Wikiquote enwikiquote https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page MediaWiki 1.47.0-wmf.3 first-letter Media Special Talk User User talk Wikiquote Wikiquote talk File File talk MediaWiki MediaWiki talk Template Template talk Help Help talk Category Category talk Draft Draft talk TimedText TimedText talk Module Module talk Event Event talk 0 85 3944262 3927899 2026-05-22T19:22:20Z Ficaia 3085955 /* De Oratore – On the Orator (55 BC) */ add a quote and an image 3944262 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Bust of Cicero (1st-cent. BC) - Palazzo Nuovo - Musei Capitolini - Rome 2016.jpg|thumb|Let the [[welfare]] of the [[people]] be the ultimate [[law]].]] '''[[w:Cicero|Marcus Tullius Cicero]]''' ([[3 January]] [[106 BC]] – [[7 December]] [[43 BC]]), infrequently known by the anglicized name '''Tully''' in the Middle Ages and after, was a [[w:Ancient Rome|Roman]] [[w:philosopher|philosopher]], [[w:politician|politician]], [[w:lawyer|lawyer]], [[w:orator|orator]], [[w:List of political theorists|political theorist]], [[w:Roman consul|consul]] and [[w:Constitution of the Roman Republic|constitutionalist]]. He came from a wealthy [[w:Municipium|municipal]] family of the [[w:Roman equestrian order|Roman equestrian order]], and is widely considered one of Rome's greatest orators and prose stylists. == Quotes == [[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb| So long as there is life in the sick man, it is said that there is hope.]] [[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|[[Truth|True]] [[law]] is [[righteousness|right]] [[reason]] in agreement with [[nature]]; it is of [[universalism|universal]] application, unchanging and [[Eternal|everlasting]]; it summons to [[duty]] by its commands, and averts from [[wrongdoing]] by its prohibitions.]] [[File:The Young Cicero Reading.jpg|thumb| The distinguishing property of [[Humanity|man]] is to search for and to follow after [[truth]].]] [[File:CiceroBust.jpg|thumb|A [[war]] is never undertaken by the ideal State, except in [[defense]] of its [[honor]] or its [[safety]].]] [[File:Michael Melgar LiquidArt resize droplet.jpg|thumb|A [[happy]] [[life]] consists in [[tranquility]] of mind.]] [[File:Cicerón denuncia a Catilina, por Cesare Maccari.jpg|thumb|How long, Catiline, will you abuse our [[patience]]?]] [[File:Valenciennes, Pierre-Henri de - Cicero Discovering the Tomb of Archimedes.jpg|thumb|The [[beginnings]] of [[all]] things are small.]] [[File:Chateau de Chantilly 017.JPG|thumb|Constant [[practice]] devoted to one subject often prevails over both [[ability]] and [[skill]].]] *We should never take pleasure in causing pain to others, even to those who have wronged us, but rather strive to do good to all. * On Duties (De Officiis) 1.33 (translated by Walter Miller) * ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.'' ** '''As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.''' *** ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library] *They are such fools that they seem to expect that, though the Republic is lost, their fish-ponds will be safe. **Letters to Atticus, Book I, 18. *since our leading men think themselves in a seventh heaven, if there are bearded mullets in their fish-ponds that will come to hand for food, and neglect everything else, do not you think that I am doing no mean service if I secure that those who have the power, should not have the will, to do any harm? **Letters to Atticus, Book II, 1. * ''Quidem concessum est rhetoribus ementiri in historiis ut aliquid dicere possint argutius.'' ** Indeed rhetoricians are permitted to lie about historical matters so they can speak more subtly. *** ''Brutus'', 42 * ''Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit.'' ** Almost no one dances sober, unless he is insane. *** ''Pro Murena'' (Chapter VI, sec. 13) * ''Etenim, iudices, cum omnibus virtutibus me adfectum esse cupio, tum nihil est quod malim quam me et esse gratum et videri. Haec enim est una virtus non solum maxima sed etiam mater virtutum omnium reliquarum. ** In truth, O judges, while I wish to be adorned with every virtue, yet there is nothing which I can esteem more highly than being and appearing grateful. For this one virtue is not only the greatest, but is also the parent of all the other virtues. *** ''Pro Plancio'' (54 B.C.) ** Variant translations: ** A grateful mind is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the other virtues. *** As quoted in ''Great Thoughts from Latin Authors'' (1884), by Craufurd Tait Ramage, p. 32 ** Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others. *** As quoted in ''Wisconsin Congregational Church Life'', Vol. 69-73 (1950), p. 9 * ''Silent enim leges inter arma.'' **'''For laws are silent among arms.''' *** ''Pro Milone'', Chapter IV, section 11. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''. *** Variant translations: *** In a time of war, the law falls silent. *** Laws are silent in time of war. * ''O di immortales! non intellegunt homines, quam magnum vectigal sit parsimonia. '' ** O immortal gods! Men do not realize how great a revenue parsimony can be! *** ''Paradoxa Stoicorum''; Paradox VI, 49 * ''Vi victa vis.'' ** Force overcome by force. *** ''Pro Milone'', Chapter XI, section 30 *** ''Variant translation:'' Violence conquered by violence. * ''Id quod est praestantissimum, maximeque optabile omnibus sanis et bonis et beatis, cum dignitate otium.'' **'''That which is most excellent, and is most to be desired by all happy, honest and healthy-minded men, is dignified leisure.''' *** ''Pro Publio Sestio''; Chapter XLV * ''At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus, qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti, quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint, obcaecati cupiditate non provident, similique sunt in culpa, qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio, cumque nihil impedit, quo minus id, quod maxime placeat, facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet, ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.'' ** On the other hand, we denounce with righteous indignation and dislike men who are so beguiled and demoralized by the charms of pleasure of the moment, so blinded by desire, that they cannot foresee the pain and trouble that are bound to ensue; and equal blame belongs to those who fail in their duty through weakness of will, which is the same as saying through shrinking from toil and pain. These cases are perfectly simple and easy to distinguish. In a free hour, when our power of choice is untrammeled and when nothing prevents our being able to do what we like best, every pleasure is to be welcomed and every pain avoided. But in certain circumstances and owing to the claims of duty or the obligations of business it will frequently occur that pleasures have to be repudiated and annoyances accepted. The wise man therefore always holds in these matters to this principle of selection: he rejects pleasures to secure other greater pleasures, or else he endures pains to avoid worse pains. *** ''De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum'' (The Ends of Good and Evil), Book I, section 33; Translation by [[w:H. Rackham|H. Rackham]] (1914) * ''Est quidem vera lex recta ratio naturae congruens, diffusa in omnes, constans, sempiterna, quae vocet ad officium iubendo, vetando a fraude deterreat; quae tamen neque probos frustra iubet aut vetat nec improbos iubendo aut vetando movet. Huic legi nec obrogari fas est neque derogari ex hac aliquid licet neque tota abrogari potest, nec vero aut per senatum aut per populum solvi hac lege possumus, neque est quaerendus explanator aut interpres eius alius, nec erit alia lex Romae, alia Athenis, alia nunc, alia posthac, sed et omnes gentes et omni tempore una lex et sempiterna et immutabilis continebit, unusque erit communis quasi magister et imperator omnium deus, ille legis huius inventor, disceptator, lator; cui qui non parebit, ipse se fugiet ac naturam hominis aspernatus hoc ipso luet maximas poenas, etiamsi cetera supplicia, quae putantur, effugerit.'' ** '''There is a true law, a right reason, conformable to nature, universal, unchangeable, eternal, whose commands urge us to duty, and whose prohibitions restrain us from evil.''' Whether it enjoins or forbids, the good respect its injunctions, and the wicked treat them with indifference. '''This law cannot be contradicted by any other law, and is not liable either to derogation or abrogation. Neither the senate nor the people can give us any dispensation for not obeying this universal law of justice. It needs no other expositor and interpreter than our own [[conscience]].''' It is not one thing at Rome and another at Athens; one thing to–day and another to–morrow; but in all times and nations this universal law must for ever reign, eternal and imperishable. It is the sovereign master and emperor of all beings. God himself is its author,—its promulgator,—its enforcer. '''He who obeys it not, flies from himself, and does violence to the very nature of man. For his crime he must endure the severest penalties hereafter, even if he avoid the usual misfortunes of the present life.''' *** ''De Re Publica'' [''Of The Republic''], Book III Section 22; as translated by Francis Barham ** Variant translations: ** '''[[Truth|True]] [[law]] is [[righteousness|right]] [[reason]] in agreement with [[nature]]; it is of [[universalism|universal]] application, unchanging and [[Eternal|everlasting]]; it summons to [[duty]] by its commands, and averts from [[wrongdoing]] by its prohibitions.''' And it does not lay its commands or prohibitions upon good men in vain, though neither have any effect on the wicked. '''It is a [[sin]] to try to alter this law, nor is it allowable to attempt to repeal any part of it, and it is impossible to abolish it entirely. We cannot be freed from its obligations by senate or people, and we need not look outside ourselves for an expounder or interpreter of it.''' And there will not be different laws at Rome and at Athens, or different laws now and in the future, but one eternal and unchangeable law will be valid for all nations and all times, and there will be one master and ruler, that is, [[God]], over us all, for he is the author of this law, its promulgator, and its enforcing judge. '''Whoever is disobedient is fleeing from himself and denying his [[human]] [[nature]], and by reason of this very fact he will suffer the worst penalties, even if he escapes what is commonly considered punishment.''' *** As translated by Clinton W. Keyes (1928)<!-- ; in ''De Re Publica, De Legibus'' (1943), p. 211 --> *'' quasi bonis et fortibus et magno animo praeditis ulla sit ad rem publicam adeundi causa iustior, quam ne pareant inprobis neve ab isdem lacerari rem publicam patiantur'' **As if, in the view of good, brave, and high-minded men, there could be any nobler motive for entering public life than the resolution, not to be ruled by wicked men and not to allow the republic to be destroyed by them. ***''De Re Publica'' [''Of The Republic''], 1.5 (Keyes tr.). * ''Etiamne hoc adfirmare potes, Luculle, esse aliquam vim, cum prudentia et consilio scilicet, quae finxerit vel, ut tuo verbo utar, quae fabricata sit hominem? Qualis ista fabrica est? ubi adhibita? quando? cur? quo modo?'' ** Can you also, Lucullus, affirm that there is any power united with wisdom and prudence which has made, or, to use your own expression, manufactured man? What sort of a manufacture is that? Where is it exercised? when? why? how? *** ''Academica'', Book II (Entitled ''Lucullus''), Chapter XXVII, section 87 * ''Omnium rerum principia parva sunt.'' ** '''The beginnings of all things are small.''' ** Variant translation: Everything has a small beginning. ** "[[w:De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum|De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum]]" Book V, Chapter 58 *''Laudandum adulescentem, ornandum, tollendum.'' **The young man should be praised, honored, and made immortal. **''Ad Familiares'' 11.20.1; the reference is to Octavian, with ''tollendum'' carrying the implication of the youth's being slain and thus "made immortal". *''Si hortum in bibliotheca habes, deerit nihil.'' **If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. ** To Varro, in ''Ad Familiares'' IX, 4 * ''Una navis est iam bonorum omnium.'' ** All loyalists are now in the same boat. ** ''Ad Familiares'', XII, 25 * ''Civis Romanus sum.'' ** I am a Roman citizen. ** ''Against Verres'' [''In Verrem''], part 2, book 5, section 57; reported in ''Cicero, The Verrine Orations'', trans. L. H. G. Greenwood (1935), vol. 2, p. 629 * ''Adsiduus usus uni rei deditus et ingenium et artem saepe vincit.'' ** Constant practice devoted to one subject often prevails over both ability and skill.[https://archive.org/stream/probalbo00ciceuoft#page/n5/mode/2up] ** ''Variant translation:'' Constant practice given to one matter often conquers both genius and art. *** ''Pro Balbo'', section 45 *non enim parum cognosse, sed in parum cognito stulte et diu perseverasse turpe est, propterea quod alterum communi hominum infirmitati alterum singulari cuiusque vitio est attributum. **for it is not having insufficient knowledge, but persisting a long time in insufficient knowledge that is shameful; since the one is assumed to be a disease common to all, but the other is assumed to be a flaw to an individual. **Variant: Any man can make mistakes, but only a fool persists in his error. ***De Inventione, Section 2.9.3 * ''Nonne, ut ignis in aquam conjectus, continuo restinguitur et refrigeratur, sic refervens falsum crimen in purissimam et castissimam vitam collatum, statim concidit et extinguitur?'' ** Does not, as fire dropped upon water is immediately extinguished and cooled, so, does not, I say, a false accusation, when brought in contact with a most pure and holy life, instantly fall and become extinguished? *** [[Cicero]], ''Pro Roscio Comodeo Oratio'', 17; C.D. Yonge translation * ''Sic submissa voce agam tantum ut iudices audiant; neque enim desunt qui istos in me atque in optimum quemque incitent; quos ego, quo id facilius faciant, non adiuvabo.'' ** I will speak in a low voice, just so as to let the judges hear me. For men are not wanting who would be glad to excite that people against me and against every eminent man; and I will not assist them and enable them to do so more easily. *** [[Cicero]], ''The Orations of Marcus Tullius Cicero''; [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus:text:1999.02.0019:text=Flac.:chapter=28 Translation by C.D. Yonge.], 1856. === ''Epistulae ad Familiares'' (c. 62 to 43 BCE) === [[w:Epistulae ad Familiares]] (Letters to Friends) is a collection of letters between Roman politician and orator Marcus Tullius Cicero and various public and private figures. ==== Cic. Fam. 1.9 ==== [[:s:la:Epistulae (Marcus Tullius Cicero)/Epistulae ad Familiares/I#IX._Scr._Romae_exeunte_mense_Octobri_a.u.c._700.M._CICERO_S._D._P._LENTULO_IMP.]] http://data.perseus.org/citations/urn:cts:latinLit:phi0474.phi056.perseus-eng1:1.text=F:book=1:letter=9 * ''cum vero id possis mutata velificatione assequi, stultum est eum tenere cum periculo cursum, quem ceperis, potius quam eo commutato quo velis tamen pervenire, sic,'' ** but as in steering a ship one secret of the art is to run before the storm, even if you cannot make the harbour; yet, when you can do so by tacking about, it is folly to keep to the course you have begun rather than by changing it to arrive all the same at the destination you desire: === [[w:De Legibus|''De Legibus'' (''On the Laws'')]] (c. 40s BC) === * ''Lex est summa ratio insita a natura, quae iubet ea, quae facienda sunt, prohibetque contraria.'' ** Law is the perfection of reason implanted in us by nature, which enjoins what should be done, and forbids what we should not do. ** Book I, section 18; J. W. Jones, ''A Translation of all the Greek, Latin, Italian, and French Quotations which occur in Blackstone's 'Commentaries on the Laws of England', &c.'' (Philadelphia, PA: T. & J. W. Johnson & Co, 1889) p. 5 * ''Est enim unum ius quo deuincta est hominum societas et quod lex constituit una, quae lex est recta ratio imperandi atque prohibendi. Quam qui ignorat, is est iniustus, siue est illa scripta uspiam siue nusquam.'' ** '''For there is but one essential [[justice]] which cements [[society]], and one [[law]] which establishes this justice. This law is right [[reason]], which is the true rule of all commandments and prohibitions.''' Whoever neglects this law, whether written or unwritten, is necessarily unjust and wicked. *** Book I, section 42; translation by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C.D. Yonge]]) * ''Quid enim foedius auaritia, quid immanius libidine, quid contemptius timiditate, quid abiectius tarditate et stultitia dici potest?'' ** For what is there more hideous than avarice, more brutal than lust, more contemptible than cowardice, more base than stupidity and folly? *** Book I, section 51; translation by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C.D. Yonge]] [http://books.google.com/books?id=AdAIAAAAQAAJ&q=%22For+what+is+there+more+hideous+than+avarice+more+brutal+than+lust+more+contemptible+than+cowardice+more+base+than+stupidity+and%22&pg=PA420#v=onepage] * ''Nam et qui bene imperat, paruerit aliquando necesse est, et qui modeste paret, videtur qui aliquando imperet dignus esse.'' ** For in order to command well, we should know how to submit; and he who submits with a good grace will some time become worthy of commanding. *** Book III, section 2; translation by Francis Barham * ''Salus populi suprema lex esto.'' ** '''Let the welfare of the people be the ultimate law.''' *** Book III, section 3 * ''Noxia poena par esto.'' ** '''Let the punishment match the offense.''' *** Book III, section 11 ===''In Catilinam I'' – ''Against Catiline'' (63 BC) === * ''Quo usque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra?'' ** To what length will you abuse our patience, Catiline? ** Variant translation: "When, O Catiline, do you mean to cease abusing our patience?" by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|Charles Duke Yonge]] (M. Tullius Cicero. The Orations of Marcus Tullius Cicero, B. A. London. Henry G. Bohn, York Street, Covent Garden. 1856.) *** Speech I * ''O tempora! O mores!'' ** '''O, the times! O, the morals!''' ** Variant: O the times! O, the customs! *** Speech I * ''Quodsi ea mihi maxime inpenderet tamen hoc animo fui semper, ut invidiam virtute partam gloriam, non invidiam putarem.'' ** I have always been of the opinion that infamy earned by doing what is right is not infamy at all, but glory. *** Speech I * ''O di inmortales! ubinam gentium sumus? in qua urbe vivimus? quam rem publicam habemus? Hic, hic sunt in nostro numero, patres conscripti, in hoc orbis terrae sanctissimo gravissimoque consilio, qui de nostro omnium interitu, qui de huius urbis atque adeo de orbis terrarum exitio cogitent!'' ** O ye immortal Gods, where on earth are we? In what city are we living? What republic is ours? There are here,—here in our body, O conscript fathers, in this the most holy and dignified assembly of the whole world, men who meditate my death, and the death of all of us, and the destruction of this city, and of the whole world. *** Speech I === ''Orator Ad M. Brutum'' (46 BC) === * ''Prima enim sequentem honestum est in secundis tertiisque consistere.'' ([http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/cicero/orator.shtml#3 3]) ** If a man aspires to the highest place, it is no dishonor to him to halt at the second, or even at the third. ** Variant translation: If you aspire to the highest place, it is no disgrace to stop at the second, or even the third, place. *** Chapter I, section 4 * ''Nescire autem quid ante quam natus sis acciderit, id est semper esse puerum. Quid enim est aetas hominis, nisi ea memoria rerum veterum cum superiorum aetate contexitur?'' ([http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/cicero/orator.shtml#120 120]) ** Not to know what happened before you were born is to be a child forever. For what is the time of a man, except it be interwoven with that memory of ancient things of a previous age? ** Variant translation: To be ignorant of the past is to be forever a child. *** Chapter XXXIV, section 120 === ''De Divinatione'' – ''On Divination'' (44 BC) === *And what can be more divine than the exhalations of the earth, which affect the human soul so as to enable her to predict the future ? And could the hand of time evaporate such a virtue? Do you suppose you are talking of some kind of wine or salted meat ? **Book I, Chapter III * ''Sed ita a principio incohatum esse mundum, ut certis rebus certa signa praecurrerent.'' ** From the beginning of the world it has been ordained that certain signs must needs precede certain events. *** Book I, Chapter LII, section 118 *** Compare: "Often do the spirits / Of great events stride on before the events, / And in to-day already walks to-morrow", [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''The Death of Wallenstein'', Act v, scene 1 * ''Non enim omnis error stultitia est dicenda.'' ** We must not say that every mistake is a foolish one. *** Book II, Chapter LII, section 90 * ''Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo philosophorum.'' ** '''There is nothing so absurd that it has not been said by some philosopher.''' *** Book II, chapter LVIII, section 119 *** Cf. [[René Descartes]]' "''On ne sauroit rien imaginer de si étranger et si peu croyable, qu'il n'ait été dit par quelqu'un des philosophes'' [One cannot conceive anything so strange and so implausible that it has not already been said by one philosopher or another]" (''Le Discours de la Méthode'', Pt. 2) * ''Nec vero superstitione tollenda religio tollitur.'' ** '''We do not destroy religion by destroying superstition.''' *** Book II, chapter LXXII, sec. 148 === ''Cato Maior de Senectute – On Old Age'' (44 BC) === {{wikipedia-inline|Cato Maior de Senectute}} Original Latin text [[wikisource:la:Cato Maior de Senectute]], English translation [[wikisource:Cicero de Senectute]] by [[wikisource:Author:Andrew Preston Peabody]]. Alternate translation by [[wikisource:Author:William Armistead Falconer]] also available from [[w:Perseus Digital Library]] ([https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Cic.%20Sen. Cic. Sen.]). * ''Quibus enim nihil est in ipsis opis ad bene beateque vivendum, eis omnis aetas gravis est; qui autem omnia bona a se ipsi petunt, eis nihil potest malum videri quod naturae necessitas afferat. quo in genere est in primis senectus, quam ut adipiscantur omnes optant, eandem accusant adeptam; tanta est stultitiae inconstantia atque perversitas. obrepere aiunt eam citius quam putassent. primum quis coegit eos falsum putare? qui enim citius adulescentiae senectus quam pueritiae adulescentia obrepit? deinde qui minus gravis esset eis senectus, si octingentesimum annum agerent, quam si octogesimum? praeterita enim aetas quamvis longa, cum effluxisset, nulla consolatione permulcere posset stultam senectutem.'' ** For to those who have not the means within themselves of a virtuous and happy life every age is burdensome; and, on the other hand, to those who seek all good from themselves nothing can seem evil that the laws of nature inevitably impose. To this class old age especially belongs, which all men wish to attain and yet reproach when attained; such is the inconsistency and perversity of Folly! They say that it stole upon them faster than they had expected. In the first place, who has forced them to form a mistaken judgement? For how much more rapidly does old age steal upon youth than youth upon childhood? And again, how much less burdensome would old age be to them if they were in their eight hundredth rather than in their eightieth year? In fact, no lapse of time, however long, once it had slipped away, could solace or soothe a foolish old age. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D4 section 4] * ''{{lang|la|At illa quanti sunt, animum, tamquam emeritis stipendiis libidinis, ambitionis, contentionis, inimicitiarum cupiditatum omnium, secum esse secumque, ut dicitur, vivere! Si vero habet aliquod tamquam pabulum studi atque doctrinae, nihil est otiosa senectute iucundius.}}'' ** But of what immense worth is it for the soul to be with itself, to live, as the phrase is, with itself, discharged from the service of lust, ambition, strife, enmities, desires of every kind! If one has some provision laid up, as it were, of study and learning, nothing is more enjoyable than the leisure of old age. ** XIV, 49 ([https://la.wikisource.org./wiki/Cato_Maior_de_Senectute#49 Latin], [https://en.wikisource.org./wiki/Cicero_de_Senectute/Text#pagenumber_37 Peabody], [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D49 Falconer]) ** "''{{lang|la|otiosa senectute}}''" translated to English as "leisure of old age" (Peabody) or "leisured old age" (Falconer), translated to Japanese as "{{lang|ja|閑雅なる老境}}" ([https://id.ndl.go.jp./auth/ndlna/00096916 Yoshida] [https://id.ndl.go.jp./bib/000000864617 1950]). ** Alternate translation (Falconer): But how blessed it is for the soul, after having, as it were, finished its campaigns of lust and ambition, of strife and enmity and of all the passions, to return within itself, and, as the saying is, “to live apart”! And indeed if it has any provender, so to speak, of study and learning, nothing is more enjoyable than a leisured old age. * ''Etenim, cum complector animo, quattuor reperio causas, cur senectus misera videatur: unam, quod avocet a rebus gerendis; alteram, quod corpus faciat infirmius; tertiam, quod privet fere omnibus voluptatibus; quartam, quod haud procul absit a morte.'' ** And, indeed, when I reflect on this subject I find four reasons why old age appears to be unhappy: first, that it withdraws us from active pursuits; second, that it makes the body weaker; third, that it deprives us of almost all physical pleasures; and, fourth, that it is not far removed from death. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D15 section 15] * ''Maximas res publicas ab adulescentibus labefactatas, a senibus sustentatas et restitutas reperietis. ... temeritas est videlicet florentis aetatis, prudentia senescentis.'' ** The greatest states have been overthrown by the young and sustained and restored by the old. ... Rashness is the product of the budding-time of youth, prudence of the harvest-time of age. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D20 section 20] * ''Nemo enim est tam senex qui se annum non putet posse vivere.'' ** '''No one is so old as to think that he cannot live one more year.''' *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Cic.+Sen.+24&fromdoc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039 section 24] * ''Denique isto bono utare, dum adsit, cum absit, ne requiras: nisi forte adulescentes pueritiam, paulum aetate progressi adulescentiam debent requirere. cursus est certus aetatis et una via naturae eaque simplex, suaque cuique parti aetatis tempestivitas est data, ut et infirmitas puerorum et ferocitas iuvenum et gravitas iam constantis aetatis et senectutis maturitas naturale quiddam habet, quod suo tempore percipi debeat.'' ** In short, enjoy the blessing of strength while you have it and do not bewail it when it is gone, unless, forsooth, you believe that youth must lament the loss of infancy, or early manhood the passing of youth. Life's race-course is fixed; Nature has only a single path and that path is run but once, and to each stage of existence has been allotted its own appropriate quality; so that the weakness of childhood, the impetuosity of youth, the seriousness of middle life, the maturity of old age—each bears some of Nature's fruit, which must be garnered in its own season. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D33 section 33] * ''Omnia autem quae secundum naturam fiunt sunt habenda in bonis.'' ** Whatever befalls in accordance with Nature should be accounted good. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D71 section 71] * ''Itaque adulescentes mihi mori sic videntur, ut cum aquae multitudine flammae vis opprimitur, senes autem sic, ut cum sua sponte nulla adhibita vi consumptus ignis exstinguitur; et quasi poma ex arboribus, cruda si sunt, vix evelluntur, si matura et cocta, decidunt, sic vitam adulescentibus vis aufert, senibus maturitas; quae quidem mihi tam iucunda est, ut, quo propius ad mortem accedam, quasi terram videre videar aliquandoque in portum ex longa navigatione esse venturus.'' ** '''When the young die I am reminded of a strong flame extinguished by a torrent; but when old men die it is as if a fire had gone out without the use of force and of its own accord, after the fuel had been consumed'''; and, just as apples when they are green are with difficulty plucked from the tree, but when ripe and mellow fall of themselves, so, with the young, death comes as a result of force, while with the old it is the result of ripeness. To me, indeed, the thought of this "ripeness" for death is so pleasant, that the nearer I approach death the more I feel like one who is in sight of land at last and is about to anchor in his home port after a long voyage. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D71 section 71] * ''Post mortem quidem sensus aut optandus aut nullus est. Sed hoc meditatum ab adulescentia debet esse mortem ut neglegamus, sine qua meditatione tranquillo animo esse nemo potest. Moriendum enim certe est, et incertum an hoc ipso die. Mortem igitur omnibus horis impendentem timens qui poterit animo consistere?'' ** After death the sensation is either pleasant or there is none at all. But this should be thought on from our youth up, so that we may be indifferent to death, and without this thought no one can be in a tranquil state of mind. For it is certain that we must die, and, for aught we know, this very day. Therefore, since death threatens every hour, how can he who fears it have any steadfastness of soul? *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D74 section 74] * ''Omnino, ut mihi quidem videtur studiorum omnium satietas vitae facit satietatem. Sunt pueritiae studia certa: num igitur ea desiderant adulescentes? Sunt ineuntis adulescentiae: num ea constans iam requirit aetas, quae media dicitur? Sunt etiam eius aetatis: ne ea quidem quaeruntur in senectute. Sunt extrema quaedam studia senectutis: ergo, ut superiorum aetatum studia occidunt, sic occidunt etiam senectutis; quod cum evenit, satietas vitae tempus maturum mortis affert.'' ** Undoubtedly, as it seems to me at least, satiety of all pursuits causes satiety of life. Boyhood has certain pursuits: does youth yearn for them? Early youth has its pursuits: does the matured or so-called middle stage of life need them? Maturity, too, has such as are not even sought in old age, and finally, there are those suitable to old age. Therefore as the pleasures and pursuits of the earlier periods of life fall away, so also do those of old age; and when that happens man has his fill of life and the time is ripe for him to go. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D76 section 76] === ''De Officiis'' – ''On Duties'' (44 BC) === [[File:West, Benjamin - Cicero and the magistrates discovering the tomb of Archimedes.JPG|thumb|We are not [[born]] for ourselves alone; a part of us is claimed by our [[nation]], another part by our [[friends]].]] [[File:Cicero statue courthouse, Rome, Italy.jpg|thumb|Let your [[desires]] be [[ruled]] by [[reason]].]] * ''Existunt etiam saepe iniuriae calumnia quadam et nimis callida sed malitiosa iuris interpretatione. Ex quo illud "summum ius summa iniuria" factum est iam tritum sermone proverbium.'' ** Injustice often arises also through chicanery, that is, through an over-subtle and even fraudulent construction of the law. This it is that gave rise to the now familiar saw, "More law, less justice." *** Book I, section 33; translation by Walter Miller. * ''In primisque hominis est propria veri inquisitio atque investigatio. Itaque cum sumus necessariis negotiis curisque vacui, tum avemus aliquid videre, audire, addiscere cognitionemque rerum aut occultarum aut admirabilium ad beate vivendum necessarian! ducimus. Ex quo intellegitur, quod verum, simplex sincerumque sit, id esse naturae hominis aptissimum. Huic veri videndi cupiditati adiuncta est appetitio quaedam principatus, ut nemini parere animus bene informatus a natura velit nisi praecipienti aut docenti aut utilitatis causa iuste et legitime imperanti; ex quo magnitudo animi existit humanarumque rerum contemptio.'' ** '''The distinguishing property of man is to search for and to follow after truth.''' Therefore, when relaxed from our necessary cares and concerns, we then covet to see, to hear, and to learn somewhat; and we esteem knowledge of things either obscure or wonderful to be the indispensable means of living happily.* From this we understand that truth, simplicity, and candour, are most agreeable to the nature of mankind. To this passion for discovering truth, is added a desire to direct; for a mind, well formed by nature, is unwilling to obey any man but him who lays down rules and instructions to it, or who, for the general advantage, exercises equitable and lawful government. From this proceeds loftiness of mind, and contempt for worldly interests. ** Book I, section 13 ** ''Variant translation'': Above all, the search after truth and its eager pursuit are peculiar to man. And so, when we have leisure from the demands of business cares, we are eager to see, to hear, to learn something new, and we esteem a desire to know. *''Non nobis solum nati sumus ortusque nostri partem patria vindicat, partem amici.'' ** '''We are not born for ourselves alone'''; a part of us is claimed by our nation, another part by our friends. *** Book I, section 22 * ''Nam cum sint duo genera decertandi, unum per disceptationem, alterum per vim, cumque illud proprium sit hominis, hoc beluarum, confugiendum est ad posterius, si uti non licet superiore.'' ** While there are two ways of contending, one by discussion, the other by force, the former belonging properly to man, the latter to beasts, recourse must be had to the latter if there be no opportunity for employing the former. *** Book I, section 34. Translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''In omnibus autem negotiis priusquam adgrediare, adhibenda est praeparatio diligens.'' ** Before entering any occupation, diligent preparation is to be undertaken. *** Book I, section 73 * ''Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi.'' ** Arms are of little value in the field unless there is wise counsel at home. *** Book I, section 76 (trans. Walter Miller) * ''Cedant arma togae, concedat laurea laudi.'' ** Yield, ye arms, to the toga; to civic praise, ye laurels. *** Book I, section 77 * ''Ludo autem et ioco uti illo quidem licet, sed sicut somno et quietibus ceteris tum, cum gravibus seriisque rebus satis fecerimus.'' ** We may, indeed, indulge in sport and jest, but in the same way as we enjoy sleep or other relaxations, and only when we have satisfied the claims of our earnest, serious task. *** Book I, section 103 * ''Sed tamen ira procul absit, cum qua nihil recte fieri nec considerate potest.'' ** But still anger ought be far from us, for nothing is able to be done rightly nor judiciously with anger. ** ''Variant:'' In anger nothing right nor judicious can be done. *** Book I, section 136 * ''Appetitus rationi pareat.'' ** '''Let your [[desires]] be [[ruled]] by [[reason]].''' *** Book I, section 141, as quoted in ''A New Dictionary of Foreign Phrases and Classical Quotations'' (1900) edited by Hugh Percy Jones, p. 12 ** Desire ought to obey reason.<!-- translation used only about 1/100th as much as the one published above, if that, and which might have originated here on Wikiquote --> * ''Illiberales autem et sordidi quaestus mercennariorum omnium, quorum operae, non quorum artes emuntur; est enim in illis ipsa merces auctoramentum servitutis.'' ** Unbecoming to a gentleman, too, and vulgar are the means of livelihood of all hired workmen whom we pay for mere manual labour, not for artistic skill; for in their case the very wage they receive is a pledge of their slavery. *** Book I, section 150; translation by Walter Miller * ''Omnium autem rerum, ex quibus aliquid adquiritur, nihil est agri cultura melius, nihil uberius, nihil dulcius, nihil homine libero dignius.'' ** For of all gainful professions, nothing is better, nothing more pleasing, nothing more delightful, nothing better becomes a well-bred man than [[agriculture]]. *** Book I, section 151. Translation by Cyrus R. Edmonds (1873), p. 73 * ''Omnium autem rerum nec aptius est quicquam ad opes tuendas ac tenendas quam diligi nec alienius quam timeri. ** But of all motives, none is better adapted to secure influence and hold it fast than love; nothing is more foreign to that end than fear. *** Book II, section 23; translation by Walter Miller * ''Multorum autem odiis nullas opes posse obsistere, si antea fuit ignotum, nuper est cognitum. Nec vero huius tyranni solum, quem armis oppressa pertulit civitas ac paret cum maxime mortuo interitus declarat, quantum odium hominum valeat ad pestem, sed reliquorum similes exitus tyrannorum, quorum haud fere quisquam talem interitum effugit. Malus enim est custos diuturnitatis metus contraque benivolentia fidelis vel ad perpetuitatem.'' ** And we recently discovered, if it was not known before, that no amount of power can withstand the hatred of the many. The death of this tyrant (Julius Caesar), whose yoke the state endured under the constraint of armed force and whom it still obeys more humbly than ever, though he is dead, illustrates the deadly effects of popular hatred; and the same lesson is taught by the similar fate of all other despots, of whom practically no one has ever escaped such a death. '''For fear is but a poor safeguard of lasting power; while affection, on the other hand, may be trusted to keep it safe for ever.''' *** Book II, section 23; translation by Walter Miller * ''Vera gloria radices agit atque etiam propagatur, ficta omnia celeriter tamquam flosculi decidunt nec simulatum potest quicquam esse diuturnum.'' ** '''[[Truth|True]] [[glory]] strikes root, and even extends itself; all false pretensions fall as do flowers, nor can anything feigned be lasting.''' *** Book II, section 43 * ''[[w:Scipio Africanus|P. Scipionem]] [...] dicere solitum scripsit [[w:Cato the Elder|Cato]] [...] numquam se minus otiosum esse, quam cum otiosus; nec minus solum, quam cum solus esset.'' ** According to [[w:Cato the Elder|Cato the Elder]], [[w:Scipio Africanus|Scipio Africanus]] was wont to say that he was '''never less at leisure than when at leisure, nor less alone than when alone'''. *** Book III, section 1 * ''Ita duae res, quae languorem afferunt ceteris, illum acuebant; otium et solitudo.'' ** The two conditions that lead others to languor – i.e. leisure and solitude – him made sharper. *** Book III, section 1 * '''Here you have a man who desired to be king of the Roman people, and who accomplished his purpose. Whoever says that this desire was right, is mad; for he approves of the destruction of laws and of liberty, and deems their foul and detestable suppression glorious.''' But as for him who acknowledges that it is not right to usurp sovereign power in a state which was and which ought to be free, yet that it is expedient for him who can do so, by what remonstrance, or rather by what reproach, can I strive to draw him back from so grave an error? For (ye immortal gods!) can the basest and foulest parricide committed upon his country be expedient for any man, even though he who has made himself thus guilty be called parent by the citizens whom he has brought under the yoke? Expediency, then, ought to be measured by the right, and so indeed, that the two, though expressed by different names, may have to the ear the same sound. I do not accord with the opinion of the multitude who ask what can be more expedient than the possession of sovereign power; on the other hand, I find nothing more inexpedient for him who has obtained this power unjustly, when I begin to recall reason to things as they really are. For can anxieties, solicitudes, terrors by day and by night, a life crowded full of snares and of perils, be expedient for any one? [[Attius]] says,"The throne has many faithless, loyal few." ** Book III, Sect. 21, as translated by Andrew P. Peabody * '''How long will men dare to call anything expedient that is not right?''' Can odium and infamy be of service to any empire, which ought to be supported by glory and by the good-will of its allies? I was often at variance even with my friend [[Cato]]. He seemed to me to guard the treasury and the revenues too obstinately, to refuse everything to the farmers of the revenue, and many things to our allies; while we ought to be generous to our allies, and to deal with the farmers of the revenue as leniently as we individually do with our own tenants, especially as the union of orders to which such a course would conduce is for the well-being of the state. ** Book III, Sect. 22, as translated by Andrew P. Peabody * ''Honesta enim bonis viris, non occulta quaeruntur.'' ** Honorable things, not secretive things, are sought by good men. *** Book III, section 38 * ''Si responderint se impunitate proposita facturos, quod expediat, facinorosos se esse fateantur, si negent, omnia turpia per se ipsa fugienda esse concedant.'' ** Should they answer that, if impunity were assured, they would do what was most to their selfish interest, that would be a confession that they were criminally minded; should they say that they would not do so, they would be granting that all things in and of themselves immoral should be avoided. *** Book III, section 39; translated by Walter Miller === ''Laelius De Amicitia'' – ''Laelius On Friendship'' (44 BC) === * ''Nam et secundas res splendidiores facit amicitia et adversas partiens communicansque leviores.'' ** '''For friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.''' *** Section 22 * ''Ita pulcherrima illa et maxime naturali carent amicitia per se et propter se expetita nec ipsi sibi exemplo sunt, haec vis amicitiae et qualis et quanta sit. Ipse enim se quisque diligit, non ut aliquam a se ipse mercedem exigat caritatis suae, sed quod per se sibi quisque carus est. Quod nisi idem in amicitiam transferetur, verus amicus numquam reperietur; est enim is qui est tamquam alter idem.'' ** Thus they are destitute of that very lovely and exquisitely natural friendship, which is an object of desire in itself and for itself, nor can they learn from themselves how valuable and powerful such a friendship is. For each man loves himself, not that he may get from himself some reward for his own affection, but because each one is of himself dear to himself. And unless this same feeling be transferred to friendship, a true friend will never be found; '''for a true friend is one who is, as it were, a second self.''' *** Section 80; translation by J. F. Stout * ''Virtute enim ipsa non tam multi praediti esse quam videri volunt.'' ** Few are those who wish to be endowed with virtue rather than to seem so. *** Section 98 *** See also [[w:Esse quam videri|Esse quam videri]] === ''Philippicae'' – ''Philippics'' (44 BC) === [[File:Cicero - Musei Capitolini.JPG|thumb|The [[life]] of the [[dead]] is in the [[memory]] of the [[living]].]] * ''Quid tandem erat causae, cur in senatum hesterno die tam acerbe cogerer? Solusne aberam, an non saepe minus frequentes fuistis, an ea res agebatur, ut etiam aegrotos deferri oporteret? Hannibal, credo, erat ad portas, aut de Pyrrhi pace agebatur, ad quam causam etiam Appium illum et caecum et senem delatum esse memoriae proditum est.'' ** What reason had he then for endeavouring, with such bitter hostility, to force me into the senate yesterday? Was I the only person who was absent? Have you not repeatedly had thinner houses than yesterday? Or was a matter of such importance under discussion, that it was desirable for even sick men to be brought down? Hannibal, I suppose, was at the gates, or there was to be a debate about peace with Pyrrhus; on which occasion it is related that even the great Appius, old and blind as he was, was brought down to the senate-house. *** Philippica I; English translation by C. D. Yonge *** Note: Potentially the origin of the phrase "''Hannibal ad portas''" (Hannibal at the gates) * ''Vi et armis.'' ** By force and arms. *** Philippica I * ''Sed quo beneficio? quod me Brundisi non occideris?'' ** But what is the benefit (you have done me)? That you did not kill me at Brundisium? *** Philippica II * ''Quod est aliud, patres conscripti, beneficium latronum, nisi ut commemorare possint iis se dedisse vitam, quibus non ademerint? Quod si esset beneficium, numquam, qui illum interfecerunt, a quo erant conservati, quos tu clarissimos viros soles appellare, tantam essent gloriam consecuti. Quale autem beneficium est, quod te abstinueris nefario scelere? Qua in re non tam iucundum mihi videri debuit non interfectum me a te quam miserum te id impune facere potuisse. <br /> Sed sit beneficium, quandoquidem maius accipi a latrone nullum potuit; in quo potes me dicere ingratum? An de interitu rei publicae queri non debui, ne in te ingratus viderer?'' ** <!-- You did me a favour, you object. Certainly; I have always admitted the instance that you quote. It seemed to me less undesirable to admit my obligation to you than to let ignorant people think me ungrateful. However, the favour was this, was it not? — that you did not kill me at Brundisium. But I do not see how you could have killed me. For I had been ordered to Italy by the conqueror himself — the very man whose chief gangster you were congratulating yourself on having become. <br />--> Nevertheless, '''let us imagine that you could have killed me. That, Senators, is what a favour from gangsters amounts to. They refrain from murdering someone; then they boast that they have spared him!''' If that is a true favour, then those who killed [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], after he had spared them, would never have been regarded as so glorious — and they are men whom you yourself habitually describe as noble. But '''the mere abstention from a dreadful crime is surely no sort of favour.''' In the situation in which this "favour" placed me, my dominant feelings ought not to have been pleasure because you did not kill me, but sorrow because you could have done so with impunity. <br /> However, let us even assume that it was a favour; at any rate the best favour that a gangster could confer. Still, in what respect can you call me ungrateful? '''Were my protests against the downfall of our country wrong, because you might think they showed ingratitude?''' *** Philippica II, Sections 5 & 6, as translated by [[w:Michael Grant (author)|Michael Grant]], in ''Cicero : Selected Works'' (1960), Part One: Against Tyranny; Ch. 3: Attack on an Enemy of Freedom: ''The Second Philippic against Antony'', p. 104 ** Variant translation: ** '''What kind of favour is it to abstain from doing evil?''' * ''Hoc qui non videt, excors; qui, cum videt, decernit, impius est.'' ** Who does not see this is senseless; who sees and still approves is ungodly. *** Philippica V * ''Reddite igitur, patres conscripti, ei vitam, cui ademistis. Vita enim mortuorum in memoria est posita vivorum.'' ** Restore life then, Conscript Fathers, to him, from whom you have taken it away. '''The life of the dead is in the memory of the living.''' *** Philippica IX, 10; translation of William Duncan * ''Cuiusvis hominis est errare, nullius nisi insipientis in errore perseverare; posteriores enim cogitationes, ut aiunt, sapientiores solent esse.'' ** Of any man at all it is to err, to persist in error is of none except unthinking; for the later thoughts, as they say, are usually the wiser. *** Philippica XII, 5; translation of Walter C.A. Ker === ''Tusculanae Disputationes'' – ''Tusculan Disputations'' (45 BC) === * ''M: Nam efficit hoc philosophia: medetur animis, inanes sollicitudines detrahit, cupiditatibus liberat, pellit timores.'' ** For such is the work of philosophy: it cures souls, draws off vain anxieties, confers freedom from desires, drives away fears. *** Book II, Chapter IV; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''Quotus enim quisque philosophorum invenitur, qui sit ita moratus, ita animo ac vita constitutus, ut ratio postulat? qui disciplinam suam non ostentationem scientiae, sed legem vitae putet? qui obtemperet ipse sibi et decretis suis pareat?'' ** How few philosophers are to be found who are such in character, so ordered in soul and in life, as reason demands; who regard their teaching not as a display of knowledge, but as the rule of life; who obey themselves, and submit to their own decrees! *** Book II, Chapter IV; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''A: Quod est enim maius argumentum nihil eam prodesse quam quosdam perfectos philosophos turpiter vivere?<br>M: Nullum vero id quidem argumentum est. Nam ut agri non omnes frugiferi sunt qui coluntur ''[...]'' sic animi non omnes culti fructum ferunt. Atque, ut in eodem simili verser, '''ut ager quamvis fertilis sine cultura fructuosus esse non potest, sic sine doctrina animus; ita est utraque res sine altera debilis.''' Cultura autem animi philosophia est; haec extrahit vitia radicitus et praeparat animos ad satus accipiendos eaque mandat eis et, ut ita dicam, serit, quae adulta fructus uberrimos ferant.'' ** A: For what stronger proof can there be of its [philosophy's] uselessness than that some accomplished philosophers lead disgraceful lives?<br>M: It is no proof at all; for as all cultivated fields are not harvest-yielding ''[...]'' so all cultivated minds do not bear fruit. To continue the figure – '''as a field, though fertile, cannot yield a harvest without cultivation, no more can the mind without learning; thus each is feeble without the other.''' But philosophy is the cultivation of the soul. It draws out vices by the root, prepares the mind to receive seed, and commits to it, and, so to speak, sows in it what, when grown, may bear the most abundant fruit. *** Book II, Chapter V; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''A: Dolorem existimo maximum malorum omnium.<br>M: Etiamne malus quam dedecus?<br>A: Non audeo id dicere equidem, et me pudet tam cito de sententia esse deiectam.<br>M: Magis esset pudendum, si in sententia permaneres.'' ** A: I think pain the greatest of all evils.<br>M: Greater than disgrace ?<br>A: That indeed I dare not affirm; and yet I am ashamed to be so soon thrown down from my position.<br>M: It would have been a greater shame to have maintained it. *** Book II, Chapter V; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * A: ''Nunc rationem, quo ea me cumque ducet, sequar.'' ** A: I will now follow Reason whithersoever she shall lead me. *** Book II, Chapter V; translation of Andrew P. Peabody * ''Morbi perniciosiores pluresque sunt animi quam corporis.'' ** Diseases of the mind are more common and more pernicious than diseases of the body. *** Book III, Chapter III * ''Est profecto animi medicina, philosophia; cuius auxilium non ut in corporis morbis petendum est foris, omnibusque opibus viribus, ut nosmet ipsi nobis mederi possimus, elaborandum est.'' ** Philosophy is certainly the medicine of the soul. Its aid is to be sought not from without, as in diseases of the body; and we must labour with all our resources and with all our strength to cure ourselves. *** Book III, Chapter III; translation by Walter Miller * ''Atque cum perturbationes animi miseriam, sedationes autem vitam efficiant beatam, duplexque ratio perturbationis sit, quod aegritudo et metus in malis opinatis, in bonorum autem errore laetitia gestiens libidoque versetur, quae omnia cum consilio et ratione pugnent, his tu tam gravibus concitationibus tamque ipsis inter se dissentientibus atque distractis quem vacuum solutum liberum videris, hunc dubitabis beatum dicere? atqui sapiens semper ita adfectus est; '''semper igitur sapiens beatus est.''''' ** Now since perturbations of mind create misery, while quietness of mind makes life happy, and since there are two kinds of perturbations, grief and fear having their scope in imagined evils, inordinate joy and desire in mistaken notions of the good, all being repugnant to wise counsel and reason, will you hesitate to call him happy whom you see relieved, released, free from these excitements so oppressive, and so at variance and divided among themselves? Indeed one thus disposed is always happy. '''Therefore the wise man is always happy.''' *** Book V, chapter 15, section 43; translated by Andrew P. Peabody * What! You would convict me from my own words, and bring against me what I had said or written elsewhere. You may act in that manner with those who dispute by established rules. We live from hand to mouth, and say anything that strikes our mind with probability, so that we are the only people who are really at liberty." ** Book 5 Section 11 === ''De Natura Deorum '' – ''On the Nature of the Gods'' (45 BC) === *We know, that of all living beings man is the best formed, and, as the gods belong to this number, they must have a human form. ... I do not mean to say that the gods have body and blood in them; but I say that they seem as if they had bodies with blood in them. . . , [[Epicurus]], for whom hidden things were as tangible as if he had touched them with his finger, teaches us that gods are not generally visible, but that they are intelligible; that they are not bodies having a certain solidity . . . but that we can recognize them by their passing images; that as there are atoms enough in the infinite space to produce such images, these are produced before us . . . and make us realize what are these happy, immortal beings. **Book I, Section 18 * ''Beatus autem esse sine virtute nemo potest'' ** No one can be happy without virtue. *** Book I, section 48 * ''Mala enim et impia consuetudo est contra deos disputandi, sive ex animo id fit sive simulate.'' ** '''For the habit of arguing in support of atheism, whether it be done from conviction or in pretence, is a wicked and impious practice.''' *** Book II, section 67 * '' Dico igitur providentia deorum mundum et omnes mundi partes et initio constitutas esse et omni tempore administrari.'' ** I say, then, that the universe and all its parts both received their first order from divine providence, and are at all times administered by it. *** Book II, section 30 * '' Nulla igitur in caelo nec fortuna nec temeritas nec erratio nec vanitas inest contraque omnis ordo veritas ratio constantia, quaeque his vacant ementita et falsa plenaque erroris, ea circum terras infra lunam, quae omnium ultima est, in terrisque versantur. caelestem ergo admirabilem ordinem incredibilemque constantiam, ex qua conservatio et salus omnium omnis oritur, qui vacare mente putat is ipse mentis expers habendus est.'' ** In the heavens, then, there is no chance, irregularity, deviation, or falsity, but on the other hand the utmost order, reality, method, and consistency. The things which are without these qualities, phantasmal, unreal, and erratic, move in and around the earth below the moon, which is the lowest of all the heavenly bodies. Any one, therefore, who thinks that there is no intelligence in the marvellous order of the stars and in their extraordinary regularity, from which the preservation and the entire well-being of all things proceed, ought to be considered destitute of intelligence himself. *** Book II, section 21 * ''Si igitur meliora sunt ea quae natura quam illa quae arte perfecta sunt, nec ars efficit quicquam sine ratione, ne natura quidem rationis expers est habenda. Qui igitur convenit, signum aut tabulam pictam cum aspexeris, scire adhibitam esse artem, cumque procul cursum navigii videris, non dubitare, quin id ratione atque arte moveatur, aut cum solarium vel descriptum vel ex aqua contemplere, intellegere declarari horas arte, non casu, mundum autem, qui et has ipsas artes et earum artifices et cuncta conplectatur consilii et rationis esse expertem putare. [88] Quod si in Scythiam aut in Brittanniam sphaeram aliquis tulerit hanc, quam nuper familiaris noster effecit Posidonius, cuius singulae conversiones idem efficiunt in sole et in luna et in quinque stellis errantibus, quod efficitur in caelo singulis diebus et noctibus, quis in illa barbaria dubitet, quin ea sphaera sit perfecta ratione.'' ** If, then, the things achieved by nature are more excellent than those achieved by art, and if art produces nothing without making use of intelligence, nature also ought not to be considered destitute of intelligence. If at the sight of a statue or painted picture you know that art has been employed, and from the distant view of the course of a ship feel sure that it is made to move by art and intelligence, and if you understand on looking at a horologe, whether one marked out with lines, or working by means of water, that the hours are indicated by art and not by chance, with what possible consistency can you suppose that the universe which contains these same products of art, and their constructors, and all things, is destitute of forethought and intelligence? Why, if any one were to carry into Scythia or Britain the globe which our friend Posidonius has lately constructed, each one of the revolutions of which brings about the same movement in the sun and moon and five wandering stars as is brought about each day and night in the heavens, no one in those barbarous countries would doubt that that globe was the work of intelligence. *** Book II, section 34 * ''Hic ego non mirer esse quemquam, qui sibi persuadeat corpora quaedam solida atque individua vi et gravitate ferri mundumque effici ornatissimum et pulcherrimum ex eorum corporum concursione fortuita? Hoc qui existimat fieri potuisse, non intellego, cur non idem putet, si innumerabiles unius et viginti formae litterarum vel aureae vel qualeslibet aliquo coiciantur, posse ex is in terram excussis annales Enni, ut deinceps legi possint, effici; quod nescio an ne in uno quidem versu possit tantum valere fortuna.'' ** Must I not here express my wonder that any one should exist who persuades himself that there are certain solid and indivisible particles carried along by their own impulse and weight, and that a universe so beautiful and so admirably arrayed is formed from the accidental concourse of those particles? I do not understand why the man who supposes that to have been possible should not also think that if a countless number of the forms of the one and twenty letters, whether in gold or any other material, were to be thrown somewhere, it would be possible, when they had been shaken out upon the ground, for the annals of Ennius to result from them so as to be able to be read consecutively,—a miracle of chance which I incline to think would be impossible even in the case of a single verse. *** Book II, section 37 * ''Quibus enim oculis animi intueri potuit vester Plato fabricam illam tanti operis, qua construi a deo atque aedificari mundum facit; quae molitio, quae ferramenta, qui vectes, quae machinae, qui ministri tanti muneris fuerunt; quem ad modum autem oboedire et parere voluntati architecti aer, ignis, aqua, terra potuerunt; unde vero ortae illae quinque formae, ex quibus reliqua formantur, apte cadentes ad animum afficiendum pariendosque sensus? Longum est ad omnia, quae talia sunt, ut optata magis quam inventa videantur.'' ** For with what eyes of the mind was your [[Plato]] able to see that workhouse of such stupendous toil, in which he makes the world to be modelled and built by God? What materials, what bars, what machines, what servants, were employed in so vast a work? How could the air, fire, water, and earth, pay obedience and submit to the will of the architect? From whence arose those five forms, of which the rest were composed, so aptly contributing to frame the mind and produce the senses? It is tedious to go through all, as they are of such a sort that they look more like things to be desired than to be discovered. *** Book I, section 19 * ''Nos autem beatam vitam in animi securitate et in omnium vacatione munerum ponimus.'' ** We, on the contrary, make blessedness of life depend upon an untroubled mind, and exemption from all duties. ** Shortened Version: We think '''a happy life consists in [[tranquility]] of mind.''' *** Book I, section 6 * ''Age et his vocabulis esse deos facimus quibus a nobis nominantur? At primum, quot hominum linguae, tot nomina deorum. Non enim, ut tu Velleius, quocumque veneris, sic idem in Italia, idem in Africa, idem in Hispania.'' ** Come now: Do we really think that the gods are everywhere called by the same names by which they are addressed by us? But the gods have as many names as there are languages among humans. For it is not with the gods as with you: you are Velleius wherever you go, but Vulcan is not Vulcan in Italy and in Africa and in Spain. *** Book I, section 84 * ''Opinionis enim commenta delet dies, naturae iudicia confirmat.'' ** Time destroys the figments of the imagination, while confirming the judgments of nature. ** Variant: For time destroys the fictions of error and opinion, while it confirms the determinations of nature and of truth. *** Book II, section 2; translation by Francis Brooks === [[w:De Oratore|''De Oratore'']] – ''On the Orator'' (55 BC) === [[File:《論演說家、演說家、布魯圖斯、論最好的演說家》.jpg|thumb|The witness of times past, the light of truth, the life of memory, the teacher of life, the messenger of antiquity.]] * ''Nisi leguleius quidem cautus, et acutus præco actionum, cantor formularum, auceps syllabarum.'' ** Than a smatterer in law, wary, indeed, and a smart prater about actions, a setter-forth of forms, a captious wrangler. *** Book I, Chapter 55; J. W. Jones, ''A Translation of all the Greek, Latin, Italian, and French Quotations which Occur in Blackstone's 'Commentaries on the Laws of England', &c.'' (Philadelphia, PA: T. & J. W. Johnson & Co, 1889) p. 4 * ''Historia vero testis temporum, lux veritatis, vita memoriae, magistra vitae, nuntia vetustatis, qua voce alia nisi oratoris immortalitati commendatur?'' ** History is truly the witness of times past, the light of truth, the life of memory, the teacher of life, the messenger of antiquity; whose voice, but the orator's, can entrust her to immortality? *** Book II, Chapter 9, section 36 * ''Omnibus in rebus voluptatibus maximis fastidium finitimum est.'' ** In all things the greatest pleasures are only narrowly separated from disgust. *** Book III, Chapter 25, section 100; H. Rackham's translation * ''Malim equidem indisertam prudentiam quam stultitiam loquacem'' ** I should prefer uneloquent good sense to loquacious folly *** Book III, Chapter 34, section 142; J. S. Watson's translation * ''Quam cum suavissima et maxima voce legisset, admirantibus omnibus "quanto" inquit "magis miraremini, si audissetis ipsum!"'' ** He read with a charming full voice, and when everyone was applauding, "how much", he asked, "would you have applauded if you had heard the original?" *** Book III, Chapter 56 *** ''Note:'' Cicero was telling the story of Æschines' return to Rhodes, at which he was requested to deliver Demosthenes' defence of Ctesiphon. {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * A room without books is like a body without a soul. ** Attributed to Cicero in J. M. Braude's ''Speaker's Desk Book of Quips, Quotes, & Anecdotes'' (Jaico Pub. House, 1966), p. 52. ** Dennis McHenry in a 2011 [http://thecampvs.com/2011/08/03/cicero-on-books-and-the-soul/ post at theCAMPVS.com] identified a source for the exact form of words in the essay [http://books.google.com/books?id=0YfQAAAAMAAJ&dq=cicero%20%22room%20without%20books%22%20%2B%22contemporary%20review%22&pg=PA240#v=onepage&q&f=false "On the Pleasure of Reading"] by [[w:John Lubbock, 1st Baron Avebury|Sir John Lubbock]], published in [https://archive.org/details/contemporaryrev55unkngoog ''The Contemporary Review'', vol. 49 (1886)], [https://archive.org/stream/contemporaryrev55unkngoog#page/n250/mode/2up pp. 240–51], in which Lubbock wrote that "Cicero described a room without books as a body without a soul" (p. 241). The same sentence may also be found on [https://archive.org/stream/thepleasuresofli01lubbuoft#page/60/mode/2up p. 61] of Lubbock's collection [https://archive.org/details/thepleasuresofli01lubbuoft ''The Pleasures of Life. Part I.'' 18th edition (London and New York : Macmillan and Co. 1890)], in a lecture titled "A Song of Books". McHenry suggested that Lubbock may have had in mind the words "''postea vero quam Tyrannio mihi libros disposuit mens addita videtur meis aedibus''" at Cicero, ''Ad Atticum'' 4.8, which are translated by E. O. Winstedt on [https://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus01ciceuoft#page/292/mode/2up p. 293] of [https://archive.org/details/letterstoatticus01ciceuoft ''Cicero: Letters to Atticus I'' (London : William Heinemann, and New York : G. P. Putnam's Sons 1912)] "Since Tyrannio has arranged my books, the house seems to have acquired a soul", and by Evelyn Shuckburgh on [https://archive.org/stream/cu31924012541433#page/n283/mode/2up p. 234] of [https://archive.org/details/cu31924012541433 ''The Letters of Cicero. Vol. I. B. C. 68–52'' (London : George Bell and Sons 1908)] "Moreover, since Tyrannio has arranged my books for me, my house seems to have had a soul added to it" (although the Latin word "[http://athirdway.com/glossa/?s=mens ''mens'']", rendered "soul" by both Winstedt and Shuckburgh, is more usually translated by the English "mind"). D. R. Shackleton Bailey in ''Cicero's Letters to Atticus'' (Harmondsworth : Penguin Books 1978), p. 162, translated "And now that Tyrannio has put my books straight, my house seems to have woken to life". * The first duty of a man is the seeking after and the investigation of truth. ** As quoted in ''A Crowd of One: The Future of Individual Identity'' (2007) by John Clippinger, p. 130 *** ''Compare:'' "The distinguishing property of man is to search for and to follow after truth." – ''De Officiis'', Book I, 13 * For as lack of adornment is said to become some women, so this subtle oration, though without embellishment, gives delight. ** Supposedly from ''De Oratore'', 78 ("...for women more easily preserve the ancient language unaltered, because, not having experience of the conversation of a multitude of people, they always retain what they originally learned..."), reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). Compare: "Loveliness / Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, / But is when unadorn'd, adorn'd the most", [[James Thomson]], ''The Seasons'', "Autumn", Line 204 * The freedom of poetic license. ** Suggested to be from ''Pro Publio Sestio'' (sec. 6: "...my attacking those men with some freedom of expression..." * Genius is fostered by energy. ** Suggested to be from ''Pro Caelio'' (ch. xix, sec. 45: "...in that branch of study you saw not only his genius shine forth, which frequently, even when it is not nourished by industry, still produces great effects by its own natural vigour...") {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == *The following three quotes are sometimes wrongly attributed to Cicero. In fact, they come from a novel about Cicero by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taylor_Caldwell Taylor Caldwell], and are not found in any of Cicero's actual writings. ** A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom bureaucrats so strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a bureaucrat who was not petty, dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures? *** [[Taylor Caldwell]] in her novel based on the life of Cicero, ''A Pillar of Iron'' (1965), p. 451 ** Antonius [i. e., [[w:Gaius Antonius Hybrida|C. Antonius Hybrida]]] heartily agreed with him [sc. Cicero] that the budget should be balanced, that the Treasury should be refilled, that [[public debt]] should be reduced, that the arrogance of the generals should be tempered and controlled, that assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt, that the mobs should be forced to work and not depend on government for subsistence, and that prudence and frugality should be put into practice as soon as possible. *** [[Taylor Caldwell]] in her novel based on the life of Cicero, ''A Pillar of Iron'' (1965), p. 483 of the 1965 edition published by Doubleday (Garden City, NY). In the 1966 British edition from Collins (London), the passage occurs at the bottom of p. 371, in chapter 51. The origin and history of the quotation have been discussed at [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/05/15/cicero-budget/ Quote Investigator] and [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/cicero.asp Snopes]. ** "A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to be feared. The traitor is the carrier of the plague. You have unbarred the gates of Rome to him." *** [[Taylor Caldwell]] in her novel based on the life of Cicero, ''A Pillar of Iron'' (1965), p. 661 in Open Road Media; Reprint edition (September 26, 2017). **** This passage is also quoted in a speech given by Florida Governor and State Supreme Court Justice Millar F. Caldwell in 1965. [http://www.aapsonline.org/brochures/cicero.htm a 1965 essay by Justice Millard Caldwell]. **** The paraphrase may ultimately be from the Second Catiline Oration but drastically changes the rhetoric. **** Actual example from Second Catiline Oration: "But why are we speaking so long about one enemy; and about that enemy who now avows that he is one; and whom I now do not fear, because, as I have always wished, a wall is between us; and are saying nothing about those who dissemble, who remain at Rome, who are among us? ". * Study carefully, the character of the one you recommend, lest their misconduct bring you shame. **from [[Horace]], ''Epistles'' I.xviii.76 * So live as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts ** The origin of this quote is often misattributed to Cicero; however, it is from Line 135-136 of Book 2, Satire 2 by Horace, "Quocirca vivite fortes, fortiaque adversis opponite pectora rebus." The English translation that most closely matches the one misrepresented as Cicero's is from a collection of Horace's prose written by E. C. Wickham, "So live, my boys, as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts." *"Do not blame Caesar, blame the people of Rome who have so enthusiastically acclaimed and adored him and rejoiced in their loss of freedom and danced in his path and gave him triumphal processions. Blame the people who hail him when he speaks in the Forum of the 'new, wonderful good society' which shall now be Rome, interpreted to mean 'more money, more ease, more security, more living fatly at the expense of the industrious.'" **This is also from the [http://www.aapsonline.org/brochures/cicero.htm 1965 essay by Justice Millard Caldwell]. It is not clear if this is based in any specific dialogue. * ''Diem adimere aegritudinem hominibus.'' ** Time heals all wounds. *** Truly from [[w:Terence|Terentius]], Heautontimorumenos, Act III, scene i *"The evil was not in bread and circuses, per se, but in the willingness of the people to sell their rights as free men for full bellies and the excitement of the games which would serve to distract them from the other human hungers which bread and circuses can never appease." **From [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Moreell Ben Moreell], "[http://fee.org/freeman/of-bread-and-circuses/ Of Bread and Circuses]", ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Freeman The Freeman]'', January 1956, [https://www.unz.org/Pub/Freeman-1956jan-00029 pp. 29–32]. The quotation is from the left column of p. 31 in the original publication. Moreell's piece makes no mention of Cicero, but opens with a correct attribution of the phrase "[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bread_and_circuses Bread and circuses]" to [[Juvenal]]. * Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book. ** As quoted in [https://books.google.gr/books?id=qjgEAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA49&dq= ''InfoWorld''], Vol. 23, No. 16, 16 April 2001, p. 49. This had been attributed previously to many other sources from 1908 on, according to this [https://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/10/22/world-end/ analysis] by [[w:Quote Investigator|Quote Investigator]]. * ''Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.'' ** The more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the government. ** Paraphrased as "The closer the collapse of the Empire, the crazier its laws are." *** Truly from [[Tacitus]], Annals, Book III, 27 {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Cicero == :<small>Sorted alphabetically by author or source</small> * '''As all the ages of the world have not produced a greater statesman and philosopher united in the same character, his authority should have great weight.''' ** [[John Adams]], ''A Defence of the Constitutions of Government'' (1787), Preface *For, when Cicero tells us that he had seen the entire Iliad written on skin of such a miniature size, that it could easily be rolled up inside a nut-shell, and Pliny asserts that Nero had a ring with a small glass in it, through which he watched the performance of the gladiators at a distance—could audacity go farther? Truly, when we are told that Mauritius could see from the promontory of Sicily over the entire sea to the coast of Africa, with an instrument called nauscopite, we must either think that all these witnesses lied, or that the ancients were more than slightly acquainted with optics and magnifying glasses. p. 240 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) *[[Aristotle]] maintains that this gas, or astral emanation, escaping from inside the earth, is the sole sufficient cause, acting from within outwardly for the verification of every living being and plant upon the external crust. In answer to the skeptical negators of his century, Cicero, moved by a just wrath, exclaims : "And what can be more divine than the exhalations of the earth, which affect the human soul so as to enable her to predict the future ? And could the hand of time evaporate such a virtue?"... [[Cicero#De_Divinatione_–_On_Divination_(44_BC)|*(Book I, Section 18 ''De Divinatione – On Divination'')]] Do modem experimentalists claim to be wiser than Cicero, and say that this eternal force has evaporated, and that the springs of prophecy are dry? p. 200 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) *Zoroaster, Pythagoras, Epicharmus, Empedocles, Kebes, Euripides, Plato, Euclid, Philo, Boethius, Virgil, Marcus Cicero, Plotinus, Iamblichus, Proclus, Psellus, Synesius, Origen, and, finally, Aristotle himself, far 'from denying our immortality, support it most emphatically. p. 251 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) *If unwilling to seek for proof or receive information from mediaeval, hermetic philosophy, we may go still further back into antiquity, and select, out of the great body of philosophers of the pre-Christian ages, one who can least be accused of superstition and credulity—Cicero. Speaking of those whom he calls gods, and who are either human or atmospheric spirits, " We know," says the old orator, " that of all living beings man is the best formed, and, as the gods belong to this number, they must have a human form... Epicurus, for whom hidden things were as tangible as if he had touched them with his finger, teaches us that gods are not generally visible, but that they are intelligible; that they are not bodies having a certain solidity . . . but that we can recognize them by their passing images; that as there are atoms enough in the infinite space to produce such images, these are produced before us . . . and make us realize what are these happy, immortal beings." p. 280 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) * If I could have known Cicero, and been his friend, and talked with him in his retirement at Tusculum (beau-ti-ful Tusculum l), I could have died contented. ** [[Charles Dickens]], Mrs. Blimlier in ''Dombey and Son'' (1848), Ch. XI, p. 105 * As for Cicero, when he had heard some of the verses [of [[Virgil]]'s ''Eclogues''], his piercing judgement immediately perceived that these were productions of uncommon vigor, and ordered the whole eclogue to be recited from the beginning. Having familiarized himself with its every nuance, he declared it "'''the second great hope of Rome'''" [''Magnae spes altera Romae''], as if he himself were the first hope of the Latin language and Maro the second. These words Virgil later inserted in the ''Aeneid'' [12.168]. ** {{w|Aelius Donatus}}, [http://virgil.org/vitae/ ''Life of Virgil''] (c. 350) * Interestingly, Cicero saw the root of [[benevolence]] and [[charity]] in [[conscience]], and in fact was the first scholar in history to use the word “conscience” (conscientia) in the moral sense we are familiar with. We can summarize his thought by stating that '''[[friendship]] is possible when two or more persons who have some common purposes in life systematically act towards each other with benevolence and charity (caritas, which is a non-erotic form of love), guided by conscience.''' ** [[Massimo Introvigne]], [https://bitterwinter.org/friendship-conscience-and-the-tai-ji-men-case/ "Friendship, Conscience, and the Tai Ji Men Case"], ''Bitter Winter'' (2021) *I have also read again Cicero's philosophical works, and think, as I thought at twenty two, when I read him under the chestnuts at [[w:Trinity College, Cambridge|Trinity]], that the [[w:De finibus bonorum et malorum|De Finibus]] is the best, that then comes the [[w:De Natura Deorum|De Natura Deorum]], and that the [[w:Tusculanae Disputationes|Tusculan Disputations]] are the least valuable,—mere anointing for broken bones. **[[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to [[Henry Hart Milman]] (29 December 1855), quoted in ''The Selected Letters of Thomas Babington Macaulay'', ed. Thomas Pinney (1982), pp. 271-272 * But to confess the truth boldly (for once you have crossed over the barriers of impudence there is no more curb), his way of writing, and every other similar way, seems to me boring. For his prefaces, definitions, partitions, etymologies, consume the greater part of his work; what life and marrow there is, is smothered by his long-winded preparations. '''If I have spent an hour in reading him, which is a lot for me, and I remember what juice and substance I have derived, most of the time I find nothing but wind'''; for he has not yet come to the arguments that serve his purpose and the reasons that properly touch on the crux, which I am looking for. ** [[Michel de Montaigne]], 'Of Books', 1580, in ''The Complete Essays of Montaigne'', ed. D. Frame (1958) * ''Quare non inmerito ab hominibus aetatis suae regnare in iudiciis dictus est, apud posteros vero id consecutus ut Cicero iam non hominis nomen sed eloquentiae habeatur. hunc igitur spectemus, hoc propositum nobis sit exemplum, ille se profecisse sciat cui Cicero valde placebit.'' ** It was not, therefore, without good reason that his own contemporaries spoke of his "sovereignty" at the bar, and that for posterity '''the name of Cicero has come to be regarded not as the name of a man, but as the name of eloquence itself'''. Let us, therefore, fix our eyes on him, take him as our pattern, and let the student realise that he has made real progress if he a passionate admirer of Cicero. *** [[Quintilian]], ''Institutio Oratoria'' Book X, Chapter I, 112; translation by H. E. Butler * ... It was Seneca or it was Cicero, I don't know which, that said, "If it was not for the elders correcting the mistakes of the young, there would be no state." ** [[Ronald Reagan]], in the second presidential debate of 1984, responding to a question challenging his fitness, being "the oldest President in history". May be a loose paraphrase of the "greatest states" quote (above) from Cicero's ''On Old Age''. * Cicero discusses justice as the second of the four cardinal virtues (wisdom, justice, courage, and temperance) whose presence constitutes moral goodness. Justice is the virtue that holds society together and allows us to pursue the common good for whose sake society exists. ... One interesting feature is his concern with in justice... The Stoic view that morality promotes the common good implies that we must try to restore the social relationship that has been violated. ** [[Alan Ryan]], Introduction in ''Justice'' (1993) edited by Alan Ryan == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} * [http://www.iep.utm.edu/cicero/ "Cicero" article by Edward Clayton in the ''Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy''] * [https://bitterwinter.org/summum-ius-summa-iniuria-from-cicero-to-tai-ji-men/ “Summum Ius, Summa Iniuria”: From Cicero to Tai Ji Men] by [[Massimo Introvigne]], ''Bitter Winter'' (March 2024) * [http://www.historyoflogic.com/cicero-philosophy.htm Logic and Rhetoric in the Philosophical Works of Cicero] * [http://www.tulliana.eu/home.php?LANG=E&PAG=H Tulliana : Cicero and Roman Thought] ;Works by Cicero: * {{Gutenberg author |id=Cicero,+Marcus+Tullius | name=Marcus Tullius Cicero}} * [http://cdi.uvm.edu/collections/getCollection.xql?pid=manuscripts&title=Medieval%20and%20Renaissance%20Manuscripts Cicero's De amicitia, Paradoxa, De senectute, and the text known as "Sallust's invectives," Center for Digital Initiatives, University of Vermont Libraries] ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/540 Ethical Writings of Cicero: De Officiis (On Moral Duties); De Senectute (On Old Age); De Amicitia (On Friendship), and Scipio's Dream], trans. Andrew P. Peabody (Boston: Little, Brown, and Co., 1887). 3 volumes in 1 ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/541 Letters of Marcus Tullius Cicero: with his Treatises on Friendship and Old Age], as translated by [[w:E. S. Shuckburgh|E. S. Shuckburgh]] <!-- And Letters of Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundus, trans. William Melmoth, revised by F.C.T. Bosanquet (New York: P.F. Collier, 1909) --> ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/1879 The Political Works of Marcus Tullius Cicero: Comprising his Treatise on the Commonwealth; and his Treatise on the Laws]. Translated from the original, with Dissertations and Notes in Two Volumes. By Francis Barham, Esq. (London: Edmund Spettigue, 1841–42). 2 vols ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/1736 The Orations of Marcus Tullius Cicero], trans. C.D. Yonge (London: G. Bell and Sons, 1913–21). 4 vols * Perseus Project (Latin and English): [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cache/perscoll_Greco-Roman.html Classics Collection (see: M. Tullius Cicero)] * The Latin Library (Latin): [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/cic.html Works of Cicero] * UAH (Latin, with translation notes): [http://www.uah.edu/student_life/organizations/SAL/texts/latin/classical/cicero/index.html Cicero Page] * ''[http://www.constitution.org/rom/de_officiis.htm De Officiis]'', translated by Walter Miller * [http://www.intratext.com/Catalogo/Autori/AUT76.HTM Cicero's works]: text, concordances and frequency list * [http://www.rhapsodes.fll.vt.edu/cicero.htm SORGLL: Cicero, ''In Catilinam'' I; I,1–3, read by Robert Sonkowsky] * [http://www.attalus.org/info/sources.html#Cic List of online translations of Cicero's works] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20051125123207/http://www.utexas.edu/depts/classics/documents/Cic.html University of Texas Cicero Homepage] * [http://cicero.missouristate.edu/cicero.htm Links to Cicero resources] * [http://www.historyoflogic.com/biblio/cicero-philosophy-biblio.htm The Philosophical Works of Cicero. A Selected Bibliography] ;Biographies and descriptions of Cicero's time: * [http://classics.mit.edu/Plutarch/cicero.html Dryden's translation of ''Cicero'' from Plutarch's ''Parallel Lives''] ** [[Plutarch]]'s biography of Cicero contained in the [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/674 ''Parallel Lives''] ** ''Life of Cicero'' by Anthony Trollope, [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/8945 Volume I] – Volume II ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/11448 ''Cicero'' by Rev. W. Lucas Collins (''Ancient Classics for English Readers'')] ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/13481 ''Roman life in the days of Cicero'' by Rev. Alfred J. Church] ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/11256 ''Social life at Rome in the Age of Cicero'' by W. Warde Fowler] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060114090741/www.heraklia.fws1.com/contemporaries/cicero/ Cicero at Heraklia website] * [http://community.middlebury.edu/~harris/LatinAuthors/Cicero.html Cicero at Middlebury College website] {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cicero}} [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Philosophers from Rome]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:Lawyers from Rome]] [[Category: Spiritual teachers]] [[Category:Translators from Rome]] [[Category:Humanists]] [[Category:Skeptics]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:Executed people]] [[Category:People from Lazio]] <!--interlang --> qbh9m6zmg4onluz2zsg5ghjvm8jh3a6 3944263 3944262 2026-05-22T19:26:24Z Ficaia 3085955 3944263 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Bust of Cicero (1st-cent. BC) - Palazzo Nuovo - Musei Capitolini - Rome 2016.jpg|thumb|Let the [[welfare]] of the people be the ultimate [[law]].]] '''[[w:Cicero|Marcus Tullius Cicero]]''' ([[3 January]] [[106 BC]] – [[7 December]] [[43 BC]]), infrequently known by the anglicized name '''Tully''' in the Middle Ages and after, was a [[w:Ancient Rome|Roman]] [[w:philosopher|philosopher]], [[w:politician|politician]], [[w:lawyer|lawyer]], [[w:orator|orator]], [[w:List of political theorists|political theorist]], [[w:Roman consul|consul]] and [[w:Constitution of the Roman Republic|constitutionalist]]. He came from a wealthy [[w:Municipium|municipal]] family of the [[w:Roman equestrian order|Roman equestrian order]], and is widely considered one of Rome's greatest orators and prose stylists. == Quotes == [[File:M-T-Cicero.jpg|thumb| So long as there is life in the sick man, it is said that there is hope.]] [[File:A mosaic LAW by Frederick Dielman, 1847-1935.JPG|thumb|True [[law]] is right [[reason]] in agreement with [[nature]]; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting; it summons to [[duty]] by its commands, and averts from [[wrongdoing]] by its prohibitions.]] [[File:The Young Cicero Reading.jpg|thumb|The distinguishing property of [[Humanity|man]] is to search for and to follow after [[truth]].]] [[File:CiceroBust.jpg|thumb|A [[war]] is never undertaken by the ideal State, except in [[defense]] of its [[honor]] or its [[safety]].]] [[File:Michael Melgar LiquidArt resize droplet.jpg|thumb|A [[w:Good life|happy life]] consists in [[tranquility]] of mind.]] [[File:Cicerón denuncia a Catilina, por Cesare Maccari.jpg|thumb|How long, Catiline, will you abuse our [[patience]]?]] [[File:Valenciennes, Pierre-Henri de - Cicero Discovering the Tomb of Archimedes.jpg|thumb|The [[beginnings]] of all things are small.]] [[File:Chateau de Chantilly 017.JPG|thumb|Constant [[practice]] devoted to one subject often prevails over both ability and skill.]] *We should never take pleasure in causing pain to others, even to those who have wronged us, but rather strive to do good to all. * On Duties (De Officiis) 1.33 (translated by Walter Miller) * ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.'' ** '''As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of civil wars.''' *** ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) Book VII, Letter 14, section 3; as translated by E.O. Winstedt in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library] *They are such fools that they seem to expect that, though the Republic is lost, their fish-ponds will be safe. **Letters to Atticus, Book I, 18. *since our leading men think themselves in a seventh heaven, if there are bearded mullets in their fish-ponds that will come to hand for food, and neglect everything else, do not you think that I am doing no mean service if I secure that those who have the power, should not have the will, to do any harm? **Letters to Atticus, Book II, 1. * ''Quidem concessum est rhetoribus ementiri in historiis ut aliquid dicere possint argutius.'' ** Indeed rhetoricians are permitted to lie about historical matters so they can speak more subtly. *** ''Brutus'', 42 * ''Nemo enim fere saltat sobrius, nisi forte insanit.'' ** Almost no one dances sober, unless he is insane. *** ''Pro Murena'' (Chapter VI, sec. 13) * ''Etenim, iudices, cum omnibus virtutibus me adfectum esse cupio, tum nihil est quod malim quam me et esse gratum et videri. Haec enim est una virtus non solum maxima sed etiam mater virtutum omnium reliquarum. ** In truth, O judges, while I wish to be adorned with every virtue, yet there is nothing which I can esteem more highly than being and appearing grateful. For this one virtue is not only the greatest, but is also the parent of all the other virtues. *** ''Pro Plancio'' (54 B.C.) ** Variant translations: ** A grateful mind is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the other virtues. *** As quoted in ''Great Thoughts from Latin Authors'' (1884), by Craufurd Tait Ramage, p. 32 ** Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others. *** As quoted in ''Wisconsin Congregational Church Life'', Vol. 69-73 (1950), p. 9 * ''Silent enim leges inter arma.'' **'''For laws are silent among arms.''' *** ''Pro Milone'', Chapter IV, section 11. Often paraphrased as ''[[w:Inter arma enim silent leges|Inter arma enim silent leges]]''. *** Variant translations: *** In a time of war, the law falls silent. *** Laws are silent in time of war. * ''O di immortales! non intellegunt homines, quam magnum vectigal sit parsimonia. '' ** O immortal gods! Men do not realize how great a revenue parsimony can be! *** ''Paradoxa Stoicorum''; Paradox VI, 49 * ''Vi victa vis.'' ** Force overcome by force. *** ''Pro Milone'', Chapter XI, section 30 *** ''Variant translation:'' Violence conquered by violence. * ''Id quod est praestantissimum, maximeque optabile omnibus sanis et bonis et beatis, cum dignitate otium.'' **'''That which is most excellent, and is most to be desired by all happy, honest and healthy-minded men, is dignified leisure.''' *** ''Pro Publio Sestio''; Chapter XLV * ''At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus, qui blanditiis praesentium voluptatum deleniti atque corrupti, quos dolores et quas molestias excepturi sint, obcaecati cupiditate non provident, similique sunt in culpa, qui officia deserunt mollitia animi, id est laborum et dolorum fuga. et harum quidem rerum facilis est et expedita distinctio. nam libero tempore, cum soluta nobis est eligendi optio, cumque nihil impedit, quo minus id, quod maxime placeat, facere possimus, omnis voluptas assumenda est, omnis dolor repellendus. temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet, ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.'' ** On the other hand, we denounce with righteous indignation and dislike men who are so beguiled and demoralized by the charms of pleasure of the moment, so blinded by desire, that they cannot foresee the pain and trouble that are bound to ensue; and equal blame belongs to those who fail in their duty through weakness of will, which is the same as saying through shrinking from toil and pain. These cases are perfectly simple and easy to distinguish. In a free hour, when our power of choice is untrammeled and when nothing prevents our being able to do what we like best, every pleasure is to be welcomed and every pain avoided. But in certain circumstances and owing to the claims of duty or the obligations of business it will frequently occur that pleasures have to be repudiated and annoyances accepted. The wise man therefore always holds in these matters to this principle of selection: he rejects pleasures to secure other greater pleasures, or else he endures pains to avoid worse pains. *** ''De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum'' (The Ends of Good and Evil), Book I, section 33; Translation by [[w:H. Rackham|H. Rackham]] (1914) * ''Est quidem vera lex recta ratio naturae congruens, diffusa in omnes, constans, sempiterna, quae vocet ad officium iubendo, vetando a fraude deterreat; quae tamen neque probos frustra iubet aut vetat nec improbos iubendo aut vetando movet. Huic legi nec obrogari fas est neque derogari ex hac aliquid licet neque tota abrogari potest, nec vero aut per senatum aut per populum solvi hac lege possumus, neque est quaerendus explanator aut interpres eius alius, nec erit alia lex Romae, alia Athenis, alia nunc, alia posthac, sed et omnes gentes et omni tempore una lex et sempiterna et immutabilis continebit, unusque erit communis quasi magister et imperator omnium deus, ille legis huius inventor, disceptator, lator; cui qui non parebit, ipse se fugiet ac naturam hominis aspernatus hoc ipso luet maximas poenas, etiamsi cetera supplicia, quae putantur, effugerit.'' ** '''There is a true law, a right reason, conformable to nature, universal, unchangeable, eternal, whose commands urge us to duty, and whose prohibitions restrain us from evil.''' Whether it enjoins or forbids, the good respect its injunctions, and the wicked treat them with indifference. '''This law cannot be contradicted by any other law, and is not liable either to derogation or abrogation. Neither the senate nor the people can give us any dispensation for not obeying this universal law of justice. It needs no other expositor and interpreter than our own [[conscience]].''' It is not one thing at Rome and another at Athens; one thing to–day and another to–morrow; but in all times and nations this universal law must for ever reign, eternal and imperishable. It is the sovereign master and emperor of all beings. God himself is its author,—its promulgator,—its enforcer. '''He who obeys it not, flies from himself, and does violence to the very nature of man. For his crime he must endure the severest penalties hereafter, even if he avoid the usual misfortunes of the present life.''' *** ''De Re Publica'' [''Of The Republic''], Book III Section 22; as translated by Francis Barham ** Variant translations: ** '''[[Truth|True]] [[law]] is [[righteousness|right]] [[reason]] in agreement with [[nature]]; it is of [[universalism|universal]] application, unchanging and [[Eternal|everlasting]]; it summons to [[duty]] by its commands, and averts from [[wrongdoing]] by its prohibitions.''' And it does not lay its commands or prohibitions upon good men in vain, though neither have any effect on the wicked. '''It is a [[sin]] to try to alter this law, nor is it allowable to attempt to repeal any part of it, and it is impossible to abolish it entirely. We cannot be freed from its obligations by senate or people, and we need not look outside ourselves for an expounder or interpreter of it.''' And there will not be different laws at Rome and at Athens, or different laws now and in the future, but one eternal and unchangeable law will be valid for all nations and all times, and there will be one master and ruler, that is, [[God]], over us all, for he is the author of this law, its promulgator, and its enforcing judge. '''Whoever is disobedient is fleeing from himself and denying his [[human]] [[nature]], and by reason of this very fact he will suffer the worst penalties, even if he escapes what is commonly considered punishment.''' *** As translated by Clinton W. Keyes (1928)<!-- ; in ''De Re Publica, De Legibus'' (1943), p. 211 --> *'' quasi bonis et fortibus et magno animo praeditis ulla sit ad rem publicam adeundi causa iustior, quam ne pareant inprobis neve ab isdem lacerari rem publicam patiantur'' **As if, in the view of good, brave, and high-minded men, there could be any nobler motive for entering public life than the resolution, not to be ruled by wicked men and not to allow the republic to be destroyed by them. ***''De Re Publica'' [''Of The Republic''], 1.5 (Keyes tr.). * ''Etiamne hoc adfirmare potes, Luculle, esse aliquam vim, cum prudentia et consilio scilicet, quae finxerit vel, ut tuo verbo utar, quae fabricata sit hominem? Qualis ista fabrica est? ubi adhibita? quando? cur? quo modo?'' ** Can you also, Lucullus, affirm that there is any power united with wisdom and prudence which has made, or, to use your own expression, manufactured man? What sort of a manufacture is that? Where is it exercised? when? why? how? *** ''Academica'', Book II (Entitled ''Lucullus''), Chapter XXVII, section 87 * ''Omnium rerum principia parva sunt.'' ** '''The beginnings of all things are small.''' ** Variant translation: Everything has a small beginning. ** "[[w:De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum|De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum]]" Book V, Chapter 58 *''Laudandum adulescentem, ornandum, tollendum.'' **The young man should be praised, honored, and made immortal. **''Ad Familiares'' 11.20.1; the reference is to Octavian, with ''tollendum'' carrying the implication of the youth's being slain and thus "made immortal". *''Si hortum in bibliotheca habes, deerit nihil.'' **If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. ** To Varro, in ''Ad Familiares'' IX, 4 * ''Una navis est iam bonorum omnium.'' ** All loyalists are now in the same boat. ** ''Ad Familiares'', XII, 25 * ''Civis Romanus sum.'' ** I am a Roman citizen. ** ''Against Verres'' [''In Verrem''], part 2, book 5, section 57; reported in ''Cicero, The Verrine Orations'', trans. L. H. G. Greenwood (1935), vol. 2, p. 629 * ''Adsiduus usus uni rei deditus et ingenium et artem saepe vincit.'' ** Constant practice devoted to one subject often prevails over both ability and skill.[https://archive.org/stream/probalbo00ciceuoft#page/n5/mode/2up] ** ''Variant translation:'' Constant practice given to one matter often conquers both genius and art. *** ''Pro Balbo'', section 45 *non enim parum cognosse, sed in parum cognito stulte et diu perseverasse turpe est, propterea quod alterum communi hominum infirmitati alterum singulari cuiusque vitio est attributum. **for it is not having insufficient knowledge, but persisting a long time in insufficient knowledge that is shameful; since the one is assumed to be a disease common to all, but the other is assumed to be a flaw to an individual. **Variant: Any man can make mistakes, but only a fool persists in his error. ***De Inventione, Section 2.9.3 * ''Nonne, ut ignis in aquam conjectus, continuo restinguitur et refrigeratur, sic refervens falsum crimen in purissimam et castissimam vitam collatum, statim concidit et extinguitur?'' ** Does not, as fire dropped upon water is immediately extinguished and cooled, so, does not, I say, a false accusation, when brought in contact with a most pure and holy life, instantly fall and become extinguished? *** [[Cicero]], ''Pro Roscio Comodeo Oratio'', 17; C.D. Yonge translation * ''Sic submissa voce agam tantum ut iudices audiant; neque enim desunt qui istos in me atque in optimum quemque incitent; quos ego, quo id facilius faciant, non adiuvabo.'' ** I will speak in a low voice, just so as to let the judges hear me. For men are not wanting who would be glad to excite that people against me and against every eminent man; and I will not assist them and enable them to do so more easily. *** [[Cicero]], ''The Orations of Marcus Tullius Cicero''; [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus:text:1999.02.0019:text=Flac.:chapter=28 Translation by C.D. Yonge.], 1856. === ''Epistulae ad Familiares'' (c. 62 to 43 BCE) === [[w:Epistulae ad Familiares]] (Letters to Friends) is a collection of letters between Roman politician and orator Marcus Tullius Cicero and various public and private figures. ==== Cic. Fam. 1.9 ==== [[:s:la:Epistulae (Marcus Tullius Cicero)/Epistulae ad Familiares/I#IX._Scr._Romae_exeunte_mense_Octobri_a.u.c._700.M._CICERO_S._D._P._LENTULO_IMP.]] http://data.perseus.org/citations/urn:cts:latinLit:phi0474.phi056.perseus-eng1:1.text=F:book=1:letter=9 * ''cum vero id possis mutata velificatione assequi, stultum est eum tenere cum periculo cursum, quem ceperis, potius quam eo commutato quo velis tamen pervenire, sic,'' ** but as in steering a ship one secret of the art is to run before the storm, even if you cannot make the harbour; yet, when you can do so by tacking about, it is folly to keep to the course you have begun rather than by changing it to arrive all the same at the destination you desire: === [[w:De Legibus|''De Legibus'' (''On the Laws'')]] (c. 40s BC) === * ''Lex est summa ratio insita a natura, quae iubet ea, quae facienda sunt, prohibetque contraria.'' ** Law is the perfection of reason implanted in us by nature, which enjoins what should be done, and forbids what we should not do. ** Book I, section 18; J. W. Jones, ''A Translation of all the Greek, Latin, Italian, and French Quotations which occur in Blackstone's 'Commentaries on the Laws of England', &c.'' (Philadelphia, PA: T. & J. W. Johnson & Co, 1889) p. 5 * ''Est enim unum ius quo deuincta est hominum societas et quod lex constituit una, quae lex est recta ratio imperandi atque prohibendi. Quam qui ignorat, is est iniustus, siue est illa scripta uspiam siue nusquam.'' ** '''For there is but one essential [[justice]] which cements [[society]], and one [[law]] which establishes this justice. This law is right [[reason]], which is the true rule of all commandments and prohibitions.''' Whoever neglects this law, whether written or unwritten, is necessarily unjust and wicked. *** Book I, section 42; translation by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C.D. Yonge]]) * ''Quid enim foedius auaritia, quid immanius libidine, quid contemptius timiditate, quid abiectius tarditate et stultitia dici potest?'' ** For what is there more hideous than avarice, more brutal than lust, more contemptible than cowardice, more base than stupidity and folly? *** Book I, section 51; translation by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|C.D. Yonge]] [http://books.google.com/books?id=AdAIAAAAQAAJ&q=%22For+what+is+there+more+hideous+than+avarice+more+brutal+than+lust+more+contemptible+than+cowardice+more+base+than+stupidity+and%22&pg=PA420#v=onepage] * ''Nam et qui bene imperat, paruerit aliquando necesse est, et qui modeste paret, videtur qui aliquando imperet dignus esse.'' ** For in order to command well, we should know how to submit; and he who submits with a good grace will some time become worthy of commanding. *** Book III, section 2; translation by Francis Barham * ''Salus populi suprema lex esto.'' ** '''Let the welfare of the people be the ultimate law.''' *** Book III, section 3 * ''Noxia poena par esto.'' ** '''Let the punishment match the offense.''' *** Book III, section 11 ===''In Catilinam I'' – ''Against Catiline'' (63 BC) === * ''Quo usque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra?'' ** To what length will you abuse our patience, Catiline? ** Variant translation: "When, O Catiline, do you mean to cease abusing our patience?" by [[w:Charles Duke Yonge|Charles Duke Yonge]] (M. Tullius Cicero. The Orations of Marcus Tullius Cicero, B. A. London. Henry G. Bohn, York Street, Covent Garden. 1856.) *** Speech I * ''O tempora! O mores!'' ** '''O, the times! O, the morals!''' ** Variant: O the times! O, the customs! *** Speech I * ''Quodsi ea mihi maxime inpenderet tamen hoc animo fui semper, ut invidiam virtute partam gloriam, non invidiam putarem.'' ** I have always been of the opinion that infamy earned by doing what is right is not infamy at all, but glory. *** Speech I * ''O di inmortales! ubinam gentium sumus? in qua urbe vivimus? quam rem publicam habemus? Hic, hic sunt in nostro numero, patres conscripti, in hoc orbis terrae sanctissimo gravissimoque consilio, qui de nostro omnium interitu, qui de huius urbis atque adeo de orbis terrarum exitio cogitent!'' ** O ye immortal Gods, where on earth are we? In what city are we living? What republic is ours? There are here,—here in our body, O conscript fathers, in this the most holy and dignified assembly of the whole world, men who meditate my death, and the death of all of us, and the destruction of this city, and of the whole world. *** Speech I === ''Orator Ad M. Brutum'' (46 BC) === * ''Prima enim sequentem honestum est in secundis tertiisque consistere.'' ([http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/cicero/orator.shtml#3 3]) ** If a man aspires to the highest place, it is no dishonor to him to halt at the second, or even at the third. ** Variant translation: If you aspire to the highest place, it is no disgrace to stop at the second, or even the third, place. *** Chapter I, section 4 * ''Nescire autem quid ante quam natus sis acciderit, id est semper esse puerum. Quid enim est aetas hominis, nisi ea memoria rerum veterum cum superiorum aetate contexitur?'' ([http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/cicero/orator.shtml#120 120]) ** Not to know what happened before you were born is to be a child forever. For what is the time of a man, except it be interwoven with that memory of ancient things of a previous age? ** Variant translation: To be ignorant of the past is to be forever a child. *** Chapter XXXIV, section 120 === ''De Divinatione'' – ''On Divination'' (44 BC) === *And what can be more divine than the exhalations of the earth, which affect the human soul so as to enable her to predict the future ? And could the hand of time evaporate such a virtue? Do you suppose you are talking of some kind of wine or salted meat ? **Book I, Chapter III * ''Sed ita a principio incohatum esse mundum, ut certis rebus certa signa praecurrerent.'' ** From the beginning of the world it has been ordained that certain signs must needs precede certain events. *** Book I, Chapter LII, section 118 *** Compare: "Often do the spirits / Of great events stride on before the events, / And in to-day already walks to-morrow", [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''The Death of Wallenstein'', Act v, scene 1 * ''Non enim omnis error stultitia est dicenda.'' ** We must not say that every mistake is a foolish one. *** Book II, Chapter LII, section 90 * ''Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo philosophorum.'' ** '''There is nothing so absurd that it has not been said by some philosopher.''' *** Book II, chapter LVIII, section 119 *** Cf. [[René Descartes]]' "''On ne sauroit rien imaginer de si étranger et si peu croyable, qu'il n'ait été dit par quelqu'un des philosophes'' [One cannot conceive anything so strange and so implausible that it has not already been said by one philosopher or another]" (''Le Discours de la Méthode'', Pt. 2) * ''Nec vero superstitione tollenda religio tollitur.'' ** '''We do not destroy religion by destroying superstition.''' *** Book II, chapter LXXII, sec. 148 === ''Cato Maior de Senectute – On Old Age'' (44 BC) === {{wikipedia-inline|Cato Maior de Senectute}} Original Latin text [[wikisource:la:Cato Maior de Senectute]], English translation [[wikisource:Cicero de Senectute]] by [[wikisource:Author:Andrew Preston Peabody]]. Alternate translation by [[wikisource:Author:William Armistead Falconer]] also available from [[w:Perseus Digital Library]] ([https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Cic.%20Sen. Cic. Sen.]). * ''Quibus enim nihil est in ipsis opis ad bene beateque vivendum, eis omnis aetas gravis est; qui autem omnia bona a se ipsi petunt, eis nihil potest malum videri quod naturae necessitas afferat. quo in genere est in primis senectus, quam ut adipiscantur omnes optant, eandem accusant adeptam; tanta est stultitiae inconstantia atque perversitas. obrepere aiunt eam citius quam putassent. primum quis coegit eos falsum putare? qui enim citius adulescentiae senectus quam pueritiae adulescentia obrepit? deinde qui minus gravis esset eis senectus, si octingentesimum annum agerent, quam si octogesimum? praeterita enim aetas quamvis longa, cum effluxisset, nulla consolatione permulcere posset stultam senectutem.'' ** For to those who have not the means within themselves of a virtuous and happy life every age is burdensome; and, on the other hand, to those who seek all good from themselves nothing can seem evil that the laws of nature inevitably impose. To this class old age especially belongs, which all men wish to attain and yet reproach when attained; such is the inconsistency and perversity of Folly! They say that it stole upon them faster than they had expected. In the first place, who has forced them to form a mistaken judgement? For how much more rapidly does old age steal upon youth than youth upon childhood? And again, how much less burdensome would old age be to them if they were in their eight hundredth rather than in their eightieth year? In fact, no lapse of time, however long, once it had slipped away, could solace or soothe a foolish old age. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D4 section 4] * ''{{lang|la|At illa quanti sunt, animum, tamquam emeritis stipendiis libidinis, ambitionis, contentionis, inimicitiarum cupiditatum omnium, secum esse secumque, ut dicitur, vivere! Si vero habet aliquod tamquam pabulum studi atque doctrinae, nihil est otiosa senectute iucundius.}}'' ** But of what immense worth is it for the soul to be with itself, to live, as the phrase is, with itself, discharged from the service of lust, ambition, strife, enmities, desires of every kind! If one has some provision laid up, as it were, of study and learning, nothing is more enjoyable than the leisure of old age. ** XIV, 49 ([https://la.wikisource.org./wiki/Cato_Maior_de_Senectute#49 Latin], [https://en.wikisource.org./wiki/Cicero_de_Senectute/Text#pagenumber_37 Peabody], [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D49 Falconer]) ** "''{{lang|la|otiosa senectute}}''" translated to English as "leisure of old age" (Peabody) or "leisured old age" (Falconer), translated to Japanese as "{{lang|ja|閑雅なる老境}}" ([https://id.ndl.go.jp./auth/ndlna/00096916 Yoshida] [https://id.ndl.go.jp./bib/000000864617 1950]). ** Alternate translation (Falconer): But how blessed it is for the soul, after having, as it were, finished its campaigns of lust and ambition, of strife and enmity and of all the passions, to return within itself, and, as the saying is, “to live apart”! And indeed if it has any provender, so to speak, of study and learning, nothing is more enjoyable than a leisured old age. * ''Etenim, cum complector animo, quattuor reperio causas, cur senectus misera videatur: unam, quod avocet a rebus gerendis; alteram, quod corpus faciat infirmius; tertiam, quod privet fere omnibus voluptatibus; quartam, quod haud procul absit a morte.'' ** And, indeed, when I reflect on this subject I find four reasons why old age appears to be unhappy: first, that it withdraws us from active pursuits; second, that it makes the body weaker; third, that it deprives us of almost all physical pleasures; and, fourth, that it is not far removed from death. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D15 section 15] * ''Maximas res publicas ab adulescentibus labefactatas, a senibus sustentatas et restitutas reperietis. ... temeritas est videlicet florentis aetatis, prudentia senescentis.'' ** The greatest states have been overthrown by the young and sustained and restored by the old. ... Rashness is the product of the budding-time of youth, prudence of the harvest-time of age. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D20 section 20] * ''Nemo enim est tam senex qui se annum non putet posse vivere.'' ** '''No one is so old as to think that he cannot live one more year.''' *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Cic.+Sen.+24&fromdoc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039 section 24] * ''Denique isto bono utare, dum adsit, cum absit, ne requiras: nisi forte adulescentes pueritiam, paulum aetate progressi adulescentiam debent requirere. cursus est certus aetatis et una via naturae eaque simplex, suaque cuique parti aetatis tempestivitas est data, ut et infirmitas puerorum et ferocitas iuvenum et gravitas iam constantis aetatis et senectutis maturitas naturale quiddam habet, quod suo tempore percipi debeat.'' ** In short, enjoy the blessing of strength while you have it and do not bewail it when it is gone, unless, forsooth, you believe that youth must lament the loss of infancy, or early manhood the passing of youth. Life's race-course is fixed; Nature has only a single path and that path is run but once, and to each stage of existence has been allotted its own appropriate quality; so that the weakness of childhood, the impetuosity of youth, the seriousness of middle life, the maturity of old age—each bears some of Nature's fruit, which must be garnered in its own season. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D33 section 33] * ''Omnia autem quae secundum naturam fiunt sunt habenda in bonis.'' ** Whatever befalls in accordance with Nature should be accounted good. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D71 section 71] * ''Itaque adulescentes mihi mori sic videntur, ut cum aquae multitudine flammae vis opprimitur, senes autem sic, ut cum sua sponte nulla adhibita vi consumptus ignis exstinguitur; et quasi poma ex arboribus, cruda si sunt, vix evelluntur, si matura et cocta, decidunt, sic vitam adulescentibus vis aufert, senibus maturitas; quae quidem mihi tam iucunda est, ut, quo propius ad mortem accedam, quasi terram videre videar aliquandoque in portum ex longa navigatione esse venturus.'' ** '''When the young die I am reminded of a strong flame extinguished by a torrent; but when old men die it is as if a fire had gone out without the use of force and of its own accord, after the fuel had been consumed'''; and, just as apples when they are green are with difficulty plucked from the tree, but when ripe and mellow fall of themselves, so, with the young, death comes as a result of force, while with the old it is the result of ripeness. To me, indeed, the thought of this "ripeness" for death is so pleasant, that the nearer I approach death the more I feel like one who is in sight of land at last and is about to anchor in his home port after a long voyage. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D71 section 71] * ''Post mortem quidem sensus aut optandus aut nullus est. Sed hoc meditatum ab adulescentia debet esse mortem ut neglegamus, sine qua meditatione tranquillo animo esse nemo potest. Moriendum enim certe est, et incertum an hoc ipso die. Mortem igitur omnibus horis impendentem timens qui poterit animo consistere?'' ** After death the sensation is either pleasant or there is none at all. But this should be thought on from our youth up, so that we may be indifferent to death, and without this thought no one can be in a tranquil state of mind. For it is certain that we must die, and, for aught we know, this very day. Therefore, since death threatens every hour, how can he who fears it have any steadfastness of soul? *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D74 section 74] * ''Omnino, ut mihi quidem videtur studiorum omnium satietas vitae facit satietatem. Sunt pueritiae studia certa: num igitur ea desiderant adulescentes? Sunt ineuntis adulescentiae: num ea constans iam requirit aetas, quae media dicitur? Sunt etiam eius aetatis: ne ea quidem quaeruntur in senectute. Sunt extrema quaedam studia senectutis: ergo, ut superiorum aetatum studia occidunt, sic occidunt etiam senectutis; quod cum evenit, satietas vitae tempus maturum mortis affert.'' ** Undoubtedly, as it seems to me at least, satiety of all pursuits causes satiety of life. Boyhood has certain pursuits: does youth yearn for them? Early youth has its pursuits: does the matured or so-called middle stage of life need them? Maturity, too, has such as are not even sought in old age, and finally, there are those suitable to old age. Therefore as the pleasures and pursuits of the earlier periods of life fall away, so also do those of old age; and when that happens man has his fill of life and the time is ripe for him to go. *** [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2007.01.0039%3Asection%3D76 section 76] === ''De Officiis'' – ''On Duties'' (44 BC) === [[File:West, Benjamin - Cicero and the magistrates discovering the tomb of Archimedes.JPG|thumb|We are not [[born]] for ourselves alone; a part of us is claimed by our [[nation]], another part by our [[friends]].]] [[File:Cicero statue courthouse, Rome, Italy.jpg|thumb|Let your [[desires]] be [[ruled]] by [[reason]].]] * ''Existunt etiam saepe iniuriae calumnia quadam et nimis callida sed malitiosa iuris interpretatione. Ex quo illud "summum ius summa iniuria" factum est iam tritum sermone proverbium.'' ** Injustice often arises also through chicanery, that is, through an over-subtle and even fraudulent construction of the law. This it is that gave rise to the now familiar saw, "More law, less justice." *** Book I, section 33; translation by Walter Miller. * ''In primisque hominis est propria veri inquisitio atque investigatio. Itaque cum sumus necessariis negotiis curisque vacui, tum avemus aliquid videre, audire, addiscere cognitionemque rerum aut occultarum aut admirabilium ad beate vivendum necessarian! ducimus. Ex quo intellegitur, quod verum, simplex sincerumque sit, id esse naturae hominis aptissimum. Huic veri videndi cupiditati adiuncta est appetitio quaedam principatus, ut nemini parere animus bene informatus a natura velit nisi praecipienti aut docenti aut utilitatis causa iuste et legitime imperanti; ex quo magnitudo animi existit humanarumque rerum contemptio.'' ** '''The distinguishing property of man is to search for and to follow after truth.''' Therefore, when relaxed from our necessary cares and concerns, we then covet to see, to hear, and to learn somewhat; and we esteem knowledge of things either obscure or wonderful to be the indispensable means of living happily.* From this we understand that truth, simplicity, and candour, are most agreeable to the nature of mankind. To this passion for discovering truth, is added a desire to direct; for a mind, well formed by nature, is unwilling to obey any man but him who lays down rules and instructions to it, or who, for the general advantage, exercises equitable and lawful government. From this proceeds loftiness of mind, and contempt for worldly interests. ** Book I, section 13 ** ''Variant translation'': Above all, the search after truth and its eager pursuit are peculiar to man. And so, when we have leisure from the demands of business cares, we are eager to see, to hear, to learn something new, and we esteem a desire to know. *''Non nobis solum nati sumus ortusque nostri partem patria vindicat, partem amici.'' ** '''We are not born for ourselves alone'''; a part of us is claimed by our nation, another part by our friends. *** Book I, section 22 * ''Nam cum sint duo genera decertandi, unum per disceptationem, alterum per vim, cumque illud proprium sit hominis, hoc beluarum, confugiendum est ad posterius, si uti non licet superiore.'' ** While there are two ways of contending, one by discussion, the other by force, the former belonging properly to man, the latter to beasts, recourse must be had to the latter if there be no opportunity for employing the former. *** Book I, section 34. Translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''In omnibus autem negotiis priusquam adgrediare, adhibenda est praeparatio diligens.'' ** Before entering any occupation, diligent preparation is to be undertaken. *** Book I, section 73 * ''Parvi enim sunt foris arma, nisi est consilium domi.'' ** Arms are of little value in the field unless there is wise counsel at home. *** Book I, section 76 (trans. Walter Miller) * ''Cedant arma togae, concedat laurea laudi.'' ** Yield, ye arms, to the toga; to civic praise, ye laurels. *** Book I, section 77 * ''Ludo autem et ioco uti illo quidem licet, sed sicut somno et quietibus ceteris tum, cum gravibus seriisque rebus satis fecerimus.'' ** We may, indeed, indulge in sport and jest, but in the same way as we enjoy sleep or other relaxations, and only when we have satisfied the claims of our earnest, serious task. *** Book I, section 103 * ''Sed tamen ira procul absit, cum qua nihil recte fieri nec considerate potest.'' ** But still anger ought be far from us, for nothing is able to be done rightly nor judiciously with anger. ** ''Variant:'' In anger nothing right nor judicious can be done. *** Book I, section 136 * ''Appetitus rationi pareat.'' ** '''Let your [[desires]] be [[ruled]] by [[reason]].''' *** Book I, section 141, as quoted in ''A New Dictionary of Foreign Phrases and Classical Quotations'' (1900) edited by Hugh Percy Jones, p. 12 ** Desire ought to obey reason.<!-- translation used only about 1/100th as much as the one published above, if that, and which might have originated here on Wikiquote --> * ''Illiberales autem et sordidi quaestus mercennariorum omnium, quorum operae, non quorum artes emuntur; est enim in illis ipsa merces auctoramentum servitutis.'' ** Unbecoming to a gentleman, too, and vulgar are the means of livelihood of all hired workmen whom we pay for mere manual labour, not for artistic skill; for in their case the very wage they receive is a pledge of their slavery. *** Book I, section 150; translation by Walter Miller * ''Omnium autem rerum, ex quibus aliquid adquiritur, nihil est agri cultura melius, nihil uberius, nihil dulcius, nihil homine libero dignius.'' ** For of all gainful professions, nothing is better, nothing more pleasing, nothing more delightful, nothing better becomes a well-bred man than [[agriculture]]. *** Book I, section 151. Translation by Cyrus R. Edmonds (1873), p. 73 * ''Omnium autem rerum nec aptius est quicquam ad opes tuendas ac tenendas quam diligi nec alienius quam timeri. ** But of all motives, none is better adapted to secure influence and hold it fast than love; nothing is more foreign to that end than fear. *** Book II, section 23; translation by Walter Miller * ''Multorum autem odiis nullas opes posse obsistere, si antea fuit ignotum, nuper est cognitum. Nec vero huius tyranni solum, quem armis oppressa pertulit civitas ac paret cum maxime mortuo interitus declarat, quantum odium hominum valeat ad pestem, sed reliquorum similes exitus tyrannorum, quorum haud fere quisquam talem interitum effugit. Malus enim est custos diuturnitatis metus contraque benivolentia fidelis vel ad perpetuitatem.'' ** And we recently discovered, if it was not known before, that no amount of power can withstand the hatred of the many. The death of this tyrant (Julius Caesar), whose yoke the state endured under the constraint of armed force and whom it still obeys more humbly than ever, though he is dead, illustrates the deadly effects of popular hatred; and the same lesson is taught by the similar fate of all other despots, of whom practically no one has ever escaped such a death. '''For fear is but a poor safeguard of lasting power; while affection, on the other hand, may be trusted to keep it safe for ever.''' *** Book II, section 23; translation by Walter Miller * ''Vera gloria radices agit atque etiam propagatur, ficta omnia celeriter tamquam flosculi decidunt nec simulatum potest quicquam esse diuturnum.'' ** '''[[Truth|True]] [[glory]] strikes root, and even extends itself; all false pretensions fall as do flowers, nor can anything feigned be lasting.''' *** Book II, section 43 * ''[[w:Scipio Africanus|P. Scipionem]] [...] dicere solitum scripsit [[w:Cato the Elder|Cato]] [...] numquam se minus otiosum esse, quam cum otiosus; nec minus solum, quam cum solus esset.'' ** According to [[w:Cato the Elder|Cato the Elder]], [[w:Scipio Africanus|Scipio Africanus]] was wont to say that he was '''never less at leisure than when at leisure, nor less alone than when alone'''. *** Book III, section 1 * ''Ita duae res, quae languorem afferunt ceteris, illum acuebant; otium et solitudo.'' ** The two conditions that lead others to languor – i.e. leisure and solitude – him made sharper. *** Book III, section 1 * '''Here you have a man who desired to be king of the Roman people, and who accomplished his purpose. Whoever says that this desire was right, is mad; for he approves of the destruction of laws and of liberty, and deems their foul and detestable suppression glorious.''' But as for him who acknowledges that it is not right to usurp sovereign power in a state which was and which ought to be free, yet that it is expedient for him who can do so, by what remonstrance, or rather by what reproach, can I strive to draw him back from so grave an error? For (ye immortal gods!) can the basest and foulest parricide committed upon his country be expedient for any man, even though he who has made himself thus guilty be called parent by the citizens whom he has brought under the yoke? Expediency, then, ought to be measured by the right, and so indeed, that the two, though expressed by different names, may have to the ear the same sound. I do not accord with the opinion of the multitude who ask what can be more expedient than the possession of sovereign power; on the other hand, I find nothing more inexpedient for him who has obtained this power unjustly, when I begin to recall reason to things as they really are. For can anxieties, solicitudes, terrors by day and by night, a life crowded full of snares and of perils, be expedient for any one? [[Attius]] says,"The throne has many faithless, loyal few." ** Book III, Sect. 21, as translated by Andrew P. Peabody * '''How long will men dare to call anything expedient that is not right?''' Can odium and infamy be of service to any empire, which ought to be supported by glory and by the good-will of its allies? I was often at variance even with my friend [[Cato]]. He seemed to me to guard the treasury and the revenues too obstinately, to refuse everything to the farmers of the revenue, and many things to our allies; while we ought to be generous to our allies, and to deal with the farmers of the revenue as leniently as we individually do with our own tenants, especially as the union of orders to which such a course would conduce is for the well-being of the state. ** Book III, Sect. 22, as translated by Andrew P. Peabody * ''Honesta enim bonis viris, non occulta quaeruntur.'' ** Honorable things, not secretive things, are sought by good men. *** Book III, section 38 * ''Si responderint se impunitate proposita facturos, quod expediat, facinorosos se esse fateantur, si negent, omnia turpia per se ipsa fugienda esse concedant.'' ** Should they answer that, if impunity were assured, they would do what was most to their selfish interest, that would be a confession that they were criminally minded; should they say that they would not do so, they would be granting that all things in and of themselves immoral should be avoided. *** Book III, section 39; translated by Walter Miller === ''Laelius De Amicitia'' – ''Laelius On Friendship'' (44 BC) === * ''Nam et secundas res splendidiores facit amicitia et adversas partiens communicansque leviores.'' ** '''For friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.''' *** Section 22 * ''Ita pulcherrima illa et maxime naturali carent amicitia per se et propter se expetita nec ipsi sibi exemplo sunt, haec vis amicitiae et qualis et quanta sit. Ipse enim se quisque diligit, non ut aliquam a se ipse mercedem exigat caritatis suae, sed quod per se sibi quisque carus est. Quod nisi idem in amicitiam transferetur, verus amicus numquam reperietur; est enim is qui est tamquam alter idem.'' ** Thus they are destitute of that very lovely and exquisitely natural friendship, which is an object of desire in itself and for itself, nor can they learn from themselves how valuable and powerful such a friendship is. For each man loves himself, not that he may get from himself some reward for his own affection, but because each one is of himself dear to himself. And unless this same feeling be transferred to friendship, a true friend will never be found; '''for a true friend is one who is, as it were, a second self.''' *** Section 80; translation by J. F. Stout * ''Virtute enim ipsa non tam multi praediti esse quam videri volunt.'' ** Few are those who wish to be endowed with virtue rather than to seem so. *** Section 98 *** See also [[w:Esse quam videri|Esse quam videri]] === ''Philippicae'' – ''Philippics'' (44 BC) === [[File:Cicero - Musei Capitolini.JPG|thumb|The [[life]] of the [[dead]] is in the [[memory]] of the [[living]].]] * ''Quid tandem erat causae, cur in senatum hesterno die tam acerbe cogerer? Solusne aberam, an non saepe minus frequentes fuistis, an ea res agebatur, ut etiam aegrotos deferri oporteret? Hannibal, credo, erat ad portas, aut de Pyrrhi pace agebatur, ad quam causam etiam Appium illum et caecum et senem delatum esse memoriae proditum est.'' ** What reason had he then for endeavouring, with such bitter hostility, to force me into the senate yesterday? Was I the only person who was absent? Have you not repeatedly had thinner houses than yesterday? Or was a matter of such importance under discussion, that it was desirable for even sick men to be brought down? Hannibal, I suppose, was at the gates, or there was to be a debate about peace with Pyrrhus; on which occasion it is related that even the great Appius, old and blind as he was, was brought down to the senate-house. *** Philippica I; English translation by C. D. Yonge *** Note: Potentially the origin of the phrase "''Hannibal ad portas''" (Hannibal at the gates) * ''Vi et armis.'' ** By force and arms. *** Philippica I * ''Sed quo beneficio? quod me Brundisi non occideris?'' ** But what is the benefit (you have done me)? That you did not kill me at Brundisium? *** Philippica II * ''Quod est aliud, patres conscripti, beneficium latronum, nisi ut commemorare possint iis se dedisse vitam, quibus non ademerint? Quod si esset beneficium, numquam, qui illum interfecerunt, a quo erant conservati, quos tu clarissimos viros soles appellare, tantam essent gloriam consecuti. Quale autem beneficium est, quod te abstinueris nefario scelere? Qua in re non tam iucundum mihi videri debuit non interfectum me a te quam miserum te id impune facere potuisse. <br /> Sed sit beneficium, quandoquidem maius accipi a latrone nullum potuit; in quo potes me dicere ingratum? An de interitu rei publicae queri non debui, ne in te ingratus viderer?'' ** <!-- You did me a favour, you object. Certainly; I have always admitted the instance that you quote. It seemed to me less undesirable to admit my obligation to you than to let ignorant people think me ungrateful. However, the favour was this, was it not? — that you did not kill me at Brundisium. But I do not see how you could have killed me. For I had been ordered to Italy by the conqueror himself — the very man whose chief gangster you were congratulating yourself on having become. <br />--> Nevertheless, '''let us imagine that you could have killed me. That, Senators, is what a favour from gangsters amounts to. They refrain from murdering someone; then they boast that they have spared him!''' If that is a true favour, then those who killed [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]], after he had spared them, would never have been regarded as so glorious — and they are men whom you yourself habitually describe as noble. But '''the mere abstention from a dreadful crime is surely no sort of favour.''' In the situation in which this "favour" placed me, my dominant feelings ought not to have been pleasure because you did not kill me, but sorrow because you could have done so with impunity. <br /> However, let us even assume that it was a favour; at any rate the best favour that a gangster could confer. Still, in what respect can you call me ungrateful? '''Were my protests against the downfall of our country wrong, because you might think they showed ingratitude?''' *** Philippica II, Sections 5 & 6, as translated by [[w:Michael Grant (author)|Michael Grant]], in ''Cicero : Selected Works'' (1960), Part One: Against Tyranny; Ch. 3: Attack on an Enemy of Freedom: ''The Second Philippic against Antony'', p. 104 ** Variant translation: ** '''What kind of favour is it to abstain from doing evil?''' * ''Hoc qui non videt, excors; qui, cum videt, decernit, impius est.'' ** Who does not see this is senseless; who sees and still approves is ungodly. *** Philippica V * ''Reddite igitur, patres conscripti, ei vitam, cui ademistis. Vita enim mortuorum in memoria est posita vivorum.'' ** Restore life then, Conscript Fathers, to him, from whom you have taken it away. '''The life of the dead is in the memory of the living.''' *** Philippica IX, 10; translation of William Duncan * ''Cuiusvis hominis est errare, nullius nisi insipientis in errore perseverare; posteriores enim cogitationes, ut aiunt, sapientiores solent esse.'' ** Of any man at all it is to err, to persist in error is of none except unthinking; for the later thoughts, as they say, are usually the wiser. *** Philippica XII, 5; translation of Walter C.A. Ker === ''Tusculanae Disputationes'' – ''Tusculan Disputations'' (45 BC) === * ''M: Nam efficit hoc philosophia: medetur animis, inanes sollicitudines detrahit, cupiditatibus liberat, pellit timores.'' ** For such is the work of philosophy: it cures souls, draws off vain anxieties, confers freedom from desires, drives away fears. *** Book II, Chapter IV; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''Quotus enim quisque philosophorum invenitur, qui sit ita moratus, ita animo ac vita constitutus, ut ratio postulat? qui disciplinam suam non ostentationem scientiae, sed legem vitae putet? qui obtemperet ipse sibi et decretis suis pareat?'' ** How few philosophers are to be found who are such in character, so ordered in soul and in life, as reason demands; who regard their teaching not as a display of knowledge, but as the rule of life; who obey themselves, and submit to their own decrees! *** Book II, Chapter IV; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''A: Quod est enim maius argumentum nihil eam prodesse quam quosdam perfectos philosophos turpiter vivere?<br>M: Nullum vero id quidem argumentum est. Nam ut agri non omnes frugiferi sunt qui coluntur ''[...]'' sic animi non omnes culti fructum ferunt. Atque, ut in eodem simili verser, '''ut ager quamvis fertilis sine cultura fructuosus esse non potest, sic sine doctrina animus; ita est utraque res sine altera debilis.''' Cultura autem animi philosophia est; haec extrahit vitia radicitus et praeparat animos ad satus accipiendos eaque mandat eis et, ut ita dicam, serit, quae adulta fructus uberrimos ferant.'' ** A: For what stronger proof can there be of its [philosophy's] uselessness than that some accomplished philosophers lead disgraceful lives?<br>M: It is no proof at all; for as all cultivated fields are not harvest-yielding ''[...]'' so all cultivated minds do not bear fruit. To continue the figure – '''as a field, though fertile, cannot yield a harvest without cultivation, no more can the mind without learning; thus each is feeble without the other.''' But philosophy is the cultivation of the soul. It draws out vices by the root, prepares the mind to receive seed, and commits to it, and, so to speak, sows in it what, when grown, may bear the most abundant fruit. *** Book II, Chapter V; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * ''A: Dolorem existimo maximum malorum omnium.<br>M: Etiamne malus quam dedecus?<br>A: Non audeo id dicere equidem, et me pudet tam cito de sententia esse deiectam.<br>M: Magis esset pudendum, si in sententia permaneres.'' ** A: I think pain the greatest of all evils.<br>M: Greater than disgrace ?<br>A: That indeed I dare not affirm; and yet I am ashamed to be so soon thrown down from my position.<br>M: It would have been a greater shame to have maintained it. *** Book II, Chapter V; translation by Andrew P. Peabody * A: ''Nunc rationem, quo ea me cumque ducet, sequar.'' ** A: I will now follow Reason whithersoever she shall lead me. *** Book II, Chapter V; translation of Andrew P. Peabody * ''Morbi perniciosiores pluresque sunt animi quam corporis.'' ** Diseases of the mind are more common and more pernicious than diseases of the body. *** Book III, Chapter III * ''Est profecto animi medicina, philosophia; cuius auxilium non ut in corporis morbis petendum est foris, omnibusque opibus viribus, ut nosmet ipsi nobis mederi possimus, elaborandum est.'' ** Philosophy is certainly the medicine of the soul. Its aid is to be sought not from without, as in diseases of the body; and we must labour with all our resources and with all our strength to cure ourselves. *** Book III, Chapter III; translation by Walter Miller * ''Atque cum perturbationes animi miseriam, sedationes autem vitam efficiant beatam, duplexque ratio perturbationis sit, quod aegritudo et metus in malis opinatis, in bonorum autem errore laetitia gestiens libidoque versetur, quae omnia cum consilio et ratione pugnent, his tu tam gravibus concitationibus tamque ipsis inter se dissentientibus atque distractis quem vacuum solutum liberum videris, hunc dubitabis beatum dicere? atqui sapiens semper ita adfectus est; '''semper igitur sapiens beatus est.''''' ** Now since perturbations of mind create misery, while quietness of mind makes life happy, and since there are two kinds of perturbations, grief and fear having their scope in imagined evils, inordinate joy and desire in mistaken notions of the good, all being repugnant to wise counsel and reason, will you hesitate to call him happy whom you see relieved, released, free from these excitements so oppressive, and so at variance and divided among themselves? Indeed one thus disposed is always happy. '''Therefore the wise man is always happy.''' *** Book V, chapter 15, section 43; translated by Andrew P. Peabody * What! You would convict me from my own words, and bring against me what I had said or written elsewhere. You may act in that manner with those who dispute by established rules. We live from hand to mouth, and say anything that strikes our mind with probability, so that we are the only people who are really at liberty." ** Book 5 Section 11 === ''De Natura Deorum '' – ''On the Nature of the Gods'' (45 BC) === *We know, that of all living beings man is the best formed, and, as the gods belong to this number, they must have a human form. ... I do not mean to say that the gods have body and blood in them; but I say that they seem as if they had bodies with blood in them. . . , [[Epicurus]], for whom hidden things were as tangible as if he had touched them with his finger, teaches us that gods are not generally visible, but that they are intelligible; that they are not bodies having a certain solidity . . . but that we can recognize them by their passing images; that as there are atoms enough in the infinite space to produce such images, these are produced before us . . . and make us realize what are these happy, immortal beings. **Book I, Section 18 * ''Beatus autem esse sine virtute nemo potest'' ** No one can be happy without virtue. *** Book I, section 48 * ''Mala enim et impia consuetudo est contra deos disputandi, sive ex animo id fit sive simulate.'' ** '''For the habit of arguing in support of atheism, whether it be done from conviction or in pretence, is a wicked and impious practice.''' *** Book II, section 67 * '' Dico igitur providentia deorum mundum et omnes mundi partes et initio constitutas esse et omni tempore administrari.'' ** I say, then, that the universe and all its parts both received their first order from divine providence, and are at all times administered by it. *** Book II, section 30 * '' Nulla igitur in caelo nec fortuna nec temeritas nec erratio nec vanitas inest contraque omnis ordo veritas ratio constantia, quaeque his vacant ementita et falsa plenaque erroris, ea circum terras infra lunam, quae omnium ultima est, in terrisque versantur. caelestem ergo admirabilem ordinem incredibilemque constantiam, ex qua conservatio et salus omnium omnis oritur, qui vacare mente putat is ipse mentis expers habendus est.'' ** In the heavens, then, there is no chance, irregularity, deviation, or falsity, but on the other hand the utmost order, reality, method, and consistency. The things which are without these qualities, phantasmal, unreal, and erratic, move in and around the earth below the moon, which is the lowest of all the heavenly bodies. Any one, therefore, who thinks that there is no intelligence in the marvellous order of the stars and in their extraordinary regularity, from which the preservation and the entire well-being of all things proceed, ought to be considered destitute of intelligence himself. *** Book II, section 21 * ''Si igitur meliora sunt ea quae natura quam illa quae arte perfecta sunt, nec ars efficit quicquam sine ratione, ne natura quidem rationis expers est habenda. Qui igitur convenit, signum aut tabulam pictam cum aspexeris, scire adhibitam esse artem, cumque procul cursum navigii videris, non dubitare, quin id ratione atque arte moveatur, aut cum solarium vel descriptum vel ex aqua contemplere, intellegere declarari horas arte, non casu, mundum autem, qui et has ipsas artes et earum artifices et cuncta conplectatur consilii et rationis esse expertem putare. [88] Quod si in Scythiam aut in Brittanniam sphaeram aliquis tulerit hanc, quam nuper familiaris noster effecit Posidonius, cuius singulae conversiones idem efficiunt in sole et in luna et in quinque stellis errantibus, quod efficitur in caelo singulis diebus et noctibus, quis in illa barbaria dubitet, quin ea sphaera sit perfecta ratione.'' ** If, then, the things achieved by nature are more excellent than those achieved by art, and if art produces nothing without making use of intelligence, nature also ought not to be considered destitute of intelligence. If at the sight of a statue or painted picture you know that art has been employed, and from the distant view of the course of a ship feel sure that it is made to move by art and intelligence, and if you understand on looking at a horologe, whether one marked out with lines, or working by means of water, that the hours are indicated by art and not by chance, with what possible consistency can you suppose that the universe which contains these same products of art, and their constructors, and all things, is destitute of forethought and intelligence? Why, if any one were to carry into Scythia or Britain the globe which our friend Posidonius has lately constructed, each one of the revolutions of which brings about the same movement in the sun and moon and five wandering stars as is brought about each day and night in the heavens, no one in those barbarous countries would doubt that that globe was the work of intelligence. *** Book II, section 34 * ''Hic ego non mirer esse quemquam, qui sibi persuadeat corpora quaedam solida atque individua vi et gravitate ferri mundumque effici ornatissimum et pulcherrimum ex eorum corporum concursione fortuita? Hoc qui existimat fieri potuisse, non intellego, cur non idem putet, si innumerabiles unius et viginti formae litterarum vel aureae vel qualeslibet aliquo coiciantur, posse ex is in terram excussis annales Enni, ut deinceps legi possint, effici; quod nescio an ne in uno quidem versu possit tantum valere fortuna.'' ** Must I not here express my wonder that any one should exist who persuades himself that there are certain solid and indivisible particles carried along by their own impulse and weight, and that a universe so beautiful and so admirably arrayed is formed from the accidental concourse of those particles? I do not understand why the man who supposes that to have been possible should not also think that if a countless number of the forms of the one and twenty letters, whether in gold or any other material, were to be thrown somewhere, it would be possible, when they had been shaken out upon the ground, for the annals of Ennius to result from them so as to be able to be read consecutively,—a miracle of chance which I incline to think would be impossible even in the case of a single verse. *** Book II, section 37 * ''Quibus enim oculis animi intueri potuit vester Plato fabricam illam tanti operis, qua construi a deo atque aedificari mundum facit; quae molitio, quae ferramenta, qui vectes, quae machinae, qui ministri tanti muneris fuerunt; quem ad modum autem oboedire et parere voluntati architecti aer, ignis, aqua, terra potuerunt; unde vero ortae illae quinque formae, ex quibus reliqua formantur, apte cadentes ad animum afficiendum pariendosque sensus? Longum est ad omnia, quae talia sunt, ut optata magis quam inventa videantur.'' ** For with what eyes of the mind was your [[Plato]] able to see that workhouse of such stupendous toil, in which he makes the world to be modelled and built by God? What materials, what bars, what machines, what servants, were employed in so vast a work? How could the air, fire, water, and earth, pay obedience and submit to the will of the architect? From whence arose those five forms, of which the rest were composed, so aptly contributing to frame the mind and produce the senses? It is tedious to go through all, as they are of such a sort that they look more like things to be desired than to be discovered. *** Book I, section 19 * ''Nos autem beatam vitam in animi securitate et in omnium vacatione munerum ponimus.'' ** We, on the contrary, make blessedness of life depend upon an untroubled mind, and exemption from all duties. ** Shortened Version: We think '''a happy life consists in [[tranquility]] of mind.''' *** Book I, section 6 * ''Age et his vocabulis esse deos facimus quibus a nobis nominantur? At primum, quot hominum linguae, tot nomina deorum. Non enim, ut tu Velleius, quocumque veneris, sic idem in Italia, idem in Africa, idem in Hispania.'' ** Come now: Do we really think that the gods are everywhere called by the same names by which they are addressed by us? But the gods have as many names as there are languages among humans. For it is not with the gods as with you: you are Velleius wherever you go, but Vulcan is not Vulcan in Italy and in Africa and in Spain. *** Book I, section 84 * ''Opinionis enim commenta delet dies, naturae iudicia confirmat.'' ** Time destroys the figments of the imagination, while confirming the judgments of nature. ** Variant: For time destroys the fictions of error and opinion, while it confirms the determinations of nature and of truth. *** Book II, section 2; translation by Francis Brooks === [[w:De Oratore|''De Oratore'']] – ''On the Orator'' (55 BC) === [[File:《論演說家、演說家、布魯圖斯、論最好的演說家》.jpg|thumb|The witness of times past, the light of truth, the life of memory, the teacher of life, the messenger of antiquity.]] * ''Nisi leguleius quidem cautus, et acutus præco actionum, cantor formularum, auceps syllabarum.'' ** Than a smatterer in law, wary, indeed, and a smart prater about actions, a setter-forth of forms, a captious wrangler. *** Book I, Chapter 55; J. W. Jones, ''A Translation of all the Greek, Latin, Italian, and French Quotations which Occur in Blackstone's 'Commentaries on the Laws of England', &c.'' (Philadelphia, PA: T. & J. W. Johnson & Co, 1889) p. 4 * ''Historia vero testis temporum, lux veritatis, vita memoriae, magistra vitae, nuntia vetustatis, qua voce alia nisi oratoris immortalitati commendatur?'' ** History is truly the witness of times past, the light of truth, the life of memory, the teacher of life, the messenger of antiquity; whose voice, but the orator's, can entrust her to immortality? *** Book II, Chapter 9, section 36 * ''Omnibus in rebus voluptatibus maximis fastidium finitimum est.'' ** In all things the greatest pleasures are only narrowly separated from disgust. *** Book III, Chapter 25, section 100; H. Rackham's translation * ''Malim equidem indisertam prudentiam quam stultitiam loquacem'' ** I should prefer uneloquent good sense to loquacious folly *** Book III, Chapter 34, section 142; J. S. Watson's translation * ''Quam cum suavissima et maxima voce legisset, admirantibus omnibus "quanto" inquit "magis miraremini, si audissetis ipsum!"'' ** He read with a charming full voice, and when everyone was applauding, "how much", he asked, "would you have applauded if you had heard the original?" *** Book III, Chapter 56 *** ''Note:'' Cicero was telling the story of Æschines' return to Rhodes, at which he was requested to deliver Demosthenes' defence of Ctesiphon. {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * A room without books is like a body without a soul. ** Attributed to Cicero in J. M. Braude's ''Speaker's Desk Book of Quips, Quotes, & Anecdotes'' (Jaico Pub. House, 1966), p. 52. ** Dennis McHenry in a 2011 [http://thecampvs.com/2011/08/03/cicero-on-books-and-the-soul/ post at theCAMPVS.com] identified a source for the exact form of words in the essay [http://books.google.com/books?id=0YfQAAAAMAAJ&dq=cicero%20%22room%20without%20books%22%20%2B%22contemporary%20review%22&pg=PA240#v=onepage&q&f=false "On the Pleasure of Reading"] by [[w:John Lubbock, 1st Baron Avebury|Sir John Lubbock]], published in [https://archive.org/details/contemporaryrev55unkngoog ''The Contemporary Review'', vol. 49 (1886)], [https://archive.org/stream/contemporaryrev55unkngoog#page/n250/mode/2up pp. 240–51], in which Lubbock wrote that "Cicero described a room without books as a body without a soul" (p. 241). The same sentence may also be found on [https://archive.org/stream/thepleasuresofli01lubbuoft#page/60/mode/2up p. 61] of Lubbock's collection [https://archive.org/details/thepleasuresofli01lubbuoft ''The Pleasures of Life. Part I.'' 18th edition (London and New York : Macmillan and Co. 1890)], in a lecture titled "A Song of Books". McHenry suggested that Lubbock may have had in mind the words "''postea vero quam Tyrannio mihi libros disposuit mens addita videtur meis aedibus''" at Cicero, ''Ad Atticum'' 4.8, which are translated by E. O. Winstedt on [https://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus01ciceuoft#page/292/mode/2up p. 293] of [https://archive.org/details/letterstoatticus01ciceuoft ''Cicero: Letters to Atticus I'' (London : William Heinemann, and New York : G. P. Putnam's Sons 1912)] "Since Tyrannio has arranged my books, the house seems to have acquired a soul", and by Evelyn Shuckburgh on [https://archive.org/stream/cu31924012541433#page/n283/mode/2up p. 234] of [https://archive.org/details/cu31924012541433 ''The Letters of Cicero. Vol. I. B. C. 68–52'' (London : George Bell and Sons 1908)] "Moreover, since Tyrannio has arranged my books for me, my house seems to have had a soul added to it" (although the Latin word "[http://athirdway.com/glossa/?s=mens ''mens'']", rendered "soul" by both Winstedt and Shuckburgh, is more usually translated by the English "mind"). D. R. Shackleton Bailey in ''Cicero's Letters to Atticus'' (Harmondsworth : Penguin Books 1978), p. 162, translated "And now that Tyrannio has put my books straight, my house seems to have woken to life". * The first duty of a man is the seeking after and the investigation of truth. ** As quoted in ''A Crowd of One: The Future of Individual Identity'' (2007) by John Clippinger, p. 130 *** ''Compare:'' "The distinguishing property of man is to search for and to follow after truth." – ''De Officiis'', Book I, 13 * For as lack of adornment is said to become some women, so this subtle oration, though without embellishment, gives delight. ** Supposedly from ''De Oratore'', 78 ("...for women more easily preserve the ancient language unaltered, because, not having experience of the conversation of a multitude of people, they always retain what they originally learned..."), reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). Compare: "Loveliness / Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, / But is when unadorn'd, adorn'd the most", [[James Thomson]], ''The Seasons'', "Autumn", Line 204 * The freedom of poetic license. ** Suggested to be from ''Pro Publio Sestio'' (sec. 6: "...my attacking those men with some freedom of expression..." * Genius is fostered by energy. ** Suggested to be from ''Pro Caelio'' (ch. xix, sec. 45: "...in that branch of study you saw not only his genius shine forth, which frequently, even when it is not nourished by industry, still produces great effects by its own natural vigour...") {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == *The following three quotes are sometimes wrongly attributed to Cicero. In fact, they come from a novel about Cicero by [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taylor_Caldwell Taylor Caldwell], and are not found in any of Cicero's actual writings. ** A bureaucrat is the most despicable of men, though he is needed as vultures are needed, but one hardly admires vultures whom bureaucrats so strangely resemble. I have yet to meet a bureaucrat who was not petty, dull, almost witless, crafty or stupid, an oppressor or a thief, a holder of little authority in which he delights, as a boy delights in possessing a vicious dog. Who can trust such creatures? *** [[Taylor Caldwell]] in her novel based on the life of Cicero, ''A Pillar of Iron'' (1965), p. 451 ** Antonius [i. e., [[w:Gaius Antonius Hybrida|C. Antonius Hybrida]]] heartily agreed with him [sc. Cicero] that the budget should be balanced, that the Treasury should be refilled, that [[public debt]] should be reduced, that the arrogance of the generals should be tempered and controlled, that assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt, that the mobs should be forced to work and not depend on government for subsistence, and that prudence and frugality should be put into practice as soon as possible. *** [[Taylor Caldwell]] in her novel based on the life of Cicero, ''A Pillar of Iron'' (1965), p. 483 of the 1965 edition published by Doubleday (Garden City, NY). In the 1966 British edition from Collins (London), the passage occurs at the bottom of p. 371, in chapter 51. The origin and history of the quotation have been discussed at [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/05/15/cicero-budget/ Quote Investigator] and [http://www.snopes.com/quotes/cicero.asp Snopes]. ** "A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to be feared. The traitor is the carrier of the plague. You have unbarred the gates of Rome to him." *** [[Taylor Caldwell]] in her novel based on the life of Cicero, ''A Pillar of Iron'' (1965), p. 661 in Open Road Media; Reprint edition (September 26, 2017). **** This passage is also quoted in a speech given by Florida Governor and State Supreme Court Justice Millar F. Caldwell in 1965. [http://www.aapsonline.org/brochures/cicero.htm a 1965 essay by Justice Millard Caldwell]. **** The paraphrase may ultimately be from the Second Catiline Oration but drastically changes the rhetoric. **** Actual example from Second Catiline Oration: "But why are we speaking so long about one enemy; and about that enemy who now avows that he is one; and whom I now do not fear, because, as I have always wished, a wall is between us; and are saying nothing about those who dissemble, who remain at Rome, who are among us? ". * Study carefully, the character of the one you recommend, lest their misconduct bring you shame. **from [[Horace]], ''Epistles'' I.xviii.76 * So live as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts ** The origin of this quote is often misattributed to Cicero; however, it is from Line 135-136 of Book 2, Satire 2 by Horace, "Quocirca vivite fortes, fortiaque adversis opponite pectora rebus." The English translation that most closely matches the one misrepresented as Cicero's is from a collection of Horace's prose written by E. C. Wickham, "So live, my boys, as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts." *"Do not blame Caesar, blame the people of Rome who have so enthusiastically acclaimed and adored him and rejoiced in their loss of freedom and danced in his path and gave him triumphal processions. Blame the people who hail him when he speaks in the Forum of the 'new, wonderful good society' which shall now be Rome, interpreted to mean 'more money, more ease, more security, more living fatly at the expense of the industrious.'" **This is also from the [http://www.aapsonline.org/brochures/cicero.htm 1965 essay by Justice Millard Caldwell]. It is not clear if this is based in any specific dialogue. * ''Diem adimere aegritudinem hominibus.'' ** Time heals all wounds. *** Truly from [[w:Terence|Terentius]], Heautontimorumenos, Act III, scene i *"The evil was not in bread and circuses, per se, but in the willingness of the people to sell their rights as free men for full bellies and the excitement of the games which would serve to distract them from the other human hungers which bread and circuses can never appease." **From [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Moreell Ben Moreell], "[http://fee.org/freeman/of-bread-and-circuses/ Of Bread and Circuses]", ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Freeman The Freeman]'', January 1956, [https://www.unz.org/Pub/Freeman-1956jan-00029 pp. 29–32]. The quotation is from the left column of p. 31 in the original publication. Moreell's piece makes no mention of Cicero, but opens with a correct attribution of the phrase "[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bread_and_circuses Bread and circuses]" to [[Juvenal]]. * Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book. ** As quoted in [https://books.google.gr/books?id=qjgEAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA49&dq= ''InfoWorld''], Vol. 23, No. 16, 16 April 2001, p. 49. This had been attributed previously to many other sources from 1908 on, according to this [https://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/10/22/world-end/ analysis] by [[w:Quote Investigator|Quote Investigator]]. * ''Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.'' ** The more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the government. ** Paraphrased as "The closer the collapse of the Empire, the crazier its laws are." *** Truly from [[Tacitus]], Annals, Book III, 27 {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Cicero == :<small>Sorted alphabetically by author or source</small> * '''As all the ages of the world have not produced a greater statesman and philosopher united in the same character, his authority should have great weight.''' ** [[John Adams]], ''A Defence of the Constitutions of Government'' (1787), Preface *For, when Cicero tells us that he had seen the entire Iliad written on skin of such a miniature size, that it could easily be rolled up inside a nut-shell, and Pliny asserts that Nero had a ring with a small glass in it, through which he watched the performance of the gladiators at a distance—could audacity go farther? Truly, when we are told that Mauritius could see from the promontory of Sicily over the entire sea to the coast of Africa, with an instrument called nauscopite, we must either think that all these witnesses lied, or that the ancients were more than slightly acquainted with optics and magnifying glasses. p. 240 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) *[[Aristotle]] maintains that this gas, or astral emanation, escaping from inside the earth, is the sole sufficient cause, acting from within outwardly for the verification of every living being and plant upon the external crust. In answer to the skeptical negators of his century, Cicero, moved by a just wrath, exclaims : "And what can be more divine than the exhalations of the earth, which affect the human soul so as to enable her to predict the future ? And could the hand of time evaporate such a virtue?"... [[Cicero#De_Divinatione_–_On_Divination_(44_BC)|*(Book I, Section 18 ''De Divinatione – On Divination'')]] Do modem experimentalists claim to be wiser than Cicero, and say that this eternal force has evaporated, and that the springs of prophecy are dry? p. 200 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) *Zoroaster, Pythagoras, Epicharmus, Empedocles, Kebes, Euripides, Plato, Euclid, Philo, Boethius, Virgil, Marcus Cicero, Plotinus, Iamblichus, Proclus, Psellus, Synesius, Origen, and, finally, Aristotle himself, far 'from denying our immortality, support it most emphatically. p. 251 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) *If unwilling to seek for proof or receive information from mediaeval, hermetic philosophy, we may go still further back into antiquity, and select, out of the great body of philosophers of the pre-Christian ages, one who can least be accused of superstition and credulity—Cicero. Speaking of those whom he calls gods, and who are either human or atmospheric spirits, " We know," says the old orator, " that of all living beings man is the best formed, and, as the gods belong to this number, they must have a human form... Epicurus, for whom hidden things were as tangible as if he had touched them with his finger, teaches us that gods are not generally visible, but that they are intelligible; that they are not bodies having a certain solidity . . . but that we can recognize them by their passing images; that as there are atoms enough in the infinite space to produce such images, these are produced before us . . . and make us realize what are these happy, immortal beings." p. 280 **[[H. P. Blavatsky]], [[Isis Unveiled|''Isis Unveiled'']], The Veil of Isis, Part 1, Science, (1877) * If I could have known Cicero, and been his friend, and talked with him in his retirement at Tusculum (beau-ti-ful Tusculum l), I could have died contented. ** [[Charles Dickens]], Mrs. Blimlier in ''Dombey and Son'' (1848), Ch. XI, p. 105 * As for Cicero, when he had heard some of the verses [of [[Virgil]]'s ''Eclogues''], his piercing judgement immediately perceived that these were productions of uncommon vigor, and ordered the whole eclogue to be recited from the beginning. Having familiarized himself with its every nuance, he declared it "'''the second great hope of Rome'''" [''Magnae spes altera Romae''], as if he himself were the first hope of the Latin language and Maro the second. These words Virgil later inserted in the ''Aeneid'' [12.168]. ** {{w|Aelius Donatus}}, [http://virgil.org/vitae/ ''Life of Virgil''] (c. 350) * Interestingly, Cicero saw the root of [[benevolence]] and [[charity]] in [[conscience]], and in fact was the first scholar in history to use the word “conscience” (conscientia) in the moral sense we are familiar with. We can summarize his thought by stating that '''[[friendship]] is possible when two or more persons who have some common purposes in life systematically act towards each other with benevolence and charity (caritas, which is a non-erotic form of love), guided by conscience.''' ** [[Massimo Introvigne]], [https://bitterwinter.org/friendship-conscience-and-the-tai-ji-men-case/ "Friendship, Conscience, and the Tai Ji Men Case"], ''Bitter Winter'' (2021) *I have also read again Cicero's philosophical works, and think, as I thought at twenty two, when I read him under the chestnuts at [[w:Trinity College, Cambridge|Trinity]], that the [[w:De finibus bonorum et malorum|De Finibus]] is the best, that then comes the [[w:De Natura Deorum|De Natura Deorum]], and that the [[w:Tusculanae Disputationes|Tusculan Disputations]] are the least valuable,—mere anointing for broken bones. **[[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to [[Henry Hart Milman]] (29 December 1855), quoted in ''The Selected Letters of Thomas Babington Macaulay'', ed. Thomas Pinney (1982), pp. 271-272 * But to confess the truth boldly (for once you have crossed over the barriers of impudence there is no more curb), his way of writing, and every other similar way, seems to me boring. For his prefaces, definitions, partitions, etymologies, consume the greater part of his work; what life and marrow there is, is smothered by his long-winded preparations. '''If I have spent an hour in reading him, which is a lot for me, and I remember what juice and substance I have derived, most of the time I find nothing but wind'''; for he has not yet come to the arguments that serve his purpose and the reasons that properly touch on the crux, which I am looking for. ** [[Michel de Montaigne]], 'Of Books', 1580, in ''The Complete Essays of Montaigne'', ed. D. Frame (1958) * ''Quare non inmerito ab hominibus aetatis suae regnare in iudiciis dictus est, apud posteros vero id consecutus ut Cicero iam non hominis nomen sed eloquentiae habeatur. hunc igitur spectemus, hoc propositum nobis sit exemplum, ille se profecisse sciat cui Cicero valde placebit.'' ** It was not, therefore, without good reason that his own contemporaries spoke of his "sovereignty" at the bar, and that for posterity '''the name of Cicero has come to be regarded not as the name of a man, but as the name of eloquence itself'''. Let us, therefore, fix our eyes on him, take him as our pattern, and let the student realise that he has made real progress if he a passionate admirer of Cicero. *** [[Quintilian]], ''Institutio Oratoria'' Book X, Chapter I, 112; translation by H. E. Butler * ... It was Seneca or it was Cicero, I don't know which, that said, "If it was not for the elders correcting the mistakes of the young, there would be no state." ** [[Ronald Reagan]], in the second presidential debate of 1984, responding to a question challenging his fitness, being "the oldest President in history". May be a loose paraphrase of the "greatest states" quote (above) from Cicero's ''On Old Age''. * Cicero discusses justice as the second of the four cardinal virtues (wisdom, justice, courage, and temperance) whose presence constitutes moral goodness. Justice is the virtue that holds society together and allows us to pursue the common good for whose sake society exists. ... One interesting feature is his concern with in justice... The Stoic view that morality promotes the common good implies that we must try to restore the social relationship that has been violated. ** [[Alan Ryan]], Introduction in ''Justice'' (1993) edited by Alan Ryan == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} * [http://www.iep.utm.edu/cicero/ "Cicero" article by Edward Clayton in the ''Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy''] * [https://bitterwinter.org/summum-ius-summa-iniuria-from-cicero-to-tai-ji-men/ “Summum Ius, Summa Iniuria”: From Cicero to Tai Ji Men] by [[Massimo Introvigne]], ''Bitter Winter'' (March 2024) * [http://www.historyoflogic.com/cicero-philosophy.htm Logic and Rhetoric in the Philosophical Works of Cicero] * [http://www.tulliana.eu/home.php?LANG=E&PAG=H Tulliana : Cicero and Roman Thought] ;Works by Cicero: * {{Gutenberg author |id=Cicero,+Marcus+Tullius | name=Marcus Tullius Cicero}} * [http://cdi.uvm.edu/collections/getCollection.xql?pid=manuscripts&title=Medieval%20and%20Renaissance%20Manuscripts Cicero's De amicitia, Paradoxa, De senectute, and the text known as "Sallust's invectives," Center for Digital Initiatives, University of Vermont Libraries] ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/540 Ethical Writings of Cicero: De Officiis (On Moral Duties); De Senectute (On Old Age); De Amicitia (On Friendship), and Scipio's Dream], trans. Andrew P. Peabody (Boston: Little, Brown, and Co., 1887). 3 volumes in 1 ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/541 Letters of Marcus Tullius Cicero: with his Treatises on Friendship and Old Age], as translated by [[w:E. S. Shuckburgh|E. S. Shuckburgh]] <!-- And Letters of Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundus, trans. William Melmoth, revised by F.C.T. Bosanquet (New York: P.F. Collier, 1909) --> ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/1879 The Political Works of Marcus Tullius Cicero: Comprising his Treatise on the Commonwealth; and his Treatise on the Laws]. Translated from the original, with Dissertations and Notes in Two Volumes. By Francis Barham, Esq. (London: Edmund Spettigue, 1841–42). 2 vols ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/title/1736 The Orations of Marcus Tullius Cicero], trans. C.D. Yonge (London: G. Bell and Sons, 1913–21). 4 vols * Perseus Project (Latin and English): [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cache/perscoll_Greco-Roman.html Classics Collection (see: M. Tullius Cicero)] * The Latin Library (Latin): [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/cic.html Works of Cicero] * UAH (Latin, with translation notes): [http://www.uah.edu/student_life/organizations/SAL/texts/latin/classical/cicero/index.html Cicero Page] * ''[http://www.constitution.org/rom/de_officiis.htm De Officiis]'', translated by Walter Miller * [http://www.intratext.com/Catalogo/Autori/AUT76.HTM Cicero's works]: text, concordances and frequency list * [http://www.rhapsodes.fll.vt.edu/cicero.htm SORGLL: Cicero, ''In Catilinam'' I; I,1–3, read by Robert Sonkowsky] * [http://www.attalus.org/info/sources.html#Cic List of online translations of Cicero's works] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20051125123207/http://www.utexas.edu/depts/classics/documents/Cic.html University of Texas Cicero Homepage] * [http://cicero.missouristate.edu/cicero.htm Links to Cicero resources] * [http://www.historyoflogic.com/biblio/cicero-philosophy-biblio.htm The Philosophical Works of Cicero. A Selected Bibliography] ;Biographies and descriptions of Cicero's time: * [http://classics.mit.edu/Plutarch/cicero.html Dryden's translation of ''Cicero'' from Plutarch's ''Parallel Lives''] ** [[Plutarch]]'s biography of Cicero contained in the [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/674 ''Parallel Lives''] ** ''Life of Cicero'' by Anthony Trollope, [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/8945 Volume I] – Volume II ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/11448 ''Cicero'' by Rev. W. Lucas Collins (''Ancient Classics for English Readers'')] ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/13481 ''Roman life in the days of Cicero'' by Rev. Alfred J. Church] ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/11256 ''Social life at Rome in the Age of Cicero'' by W. Warde Fowler] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060114090741/www.heraklia.fws1.com/contemporaries/cicero/ Cicero at Heraklia website] * [http://community.middlebury.edu/~harris/LatinAuthors/Cicero.html Cicero at Middlebury College website] {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cicero}} [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Philosophers from Rome]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:Lawyers from Rome]] [[Category: Spiritual teachers]] [[Category:Translators from Rome]] [[Category:Humanists]] [[Category:Skeptics]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:Executed people]] [[Category:People from Lazio]] <!--interlang --> bke3tje8kqhg6261vtys5vu9mvxvgtv 0 242 3944414 3918147 2026-05-23T08:57:15Z ShyWo 3251124 comma not 3 3944414 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Benjamin Franklin by Jean-Baptiste Greuze.jpg|thumb|right|He that would [[live]] in [[peace]] and at ease, Must not [[speak]] all he [[knows]], nor [[judge]] all he [[sees]].]] '''[[w:Benjamin Franklin|Benjamin Franklin]]''' ([[17 January]] [[1706]] – [[17 April]] [[1790]]) was one of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers of the United States]]. A renowned [[w:polymath|polymath]], Franklin was a leading author, printer, [[w:List of political philosophers|political theorist]], [[politician]], postmaster, [[scientist]], [[inventor]], civic activist, statesman, and a diplomatic scientific and novice electrician; he was a major figure in the [[w:American Enlightenment|U.S. Enlightenment]] and the [[w:history of physics|history of physics]] for his discoveries and theories regarding [[electricity]]. As an inventor, he is known for the [[w:lightning rod|lightning rod]], for keeping bifocals fog-free, and the [[w:Franklin stove|Franklin stove]], among other inventions. He facilitated many civic organizations, including Philadelphia's fire department and the [[w:University of Pennsylvania|University of Pennsylvania]]. Franklin earned the title of "The First American" for his early and indefatigable campaigning for [[w:Thirteen Colonies|colonial unity]], first as an author and spokesman in London for several colonies. As the first [[w:United States Ambassador to France|U.S. Ambassador to France]], he exemplified the emerging U.S. nation. Franklin was foundational in defining the U.S. ethos as a marriage of the practical values of thrift, hard work, education, community spirit, self-governing institutions, and opposition to authoritarianism both political and religious, with the scientific and tolerant values of the [[w:Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]]. : See also: ::'''''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]''''' (1733–1758) == Quotes == [[File:Franklin HalfObverse.jpg|thumb|Remember that [[time]] is [[money]].]] ===1720s=== * '''Mankind naturally and generally love to be [[Flattery|flatter'd]]''': Whatever sooths our [[Pride]], and tends to exalt our Species above the rest of the Creation, we are pleas'd with and easily [[believe]], when ungrateful Truths shall be with the utmost Indignation rejected. "What! bring ourselves down to an [[Equality]] with the Beasts of the Field! with the meanest part of the [[Creation]]! 'Tis insufferable!" But, (to use a Piece of common Sense) our '''Geese are but Geese tho' we may think 'em Swans; and Truth will be Truth tho' it sometimes prove mortifying and distasteful.''' ** [https://thefederalistpapers.org/founders/franklin/benjamin-franklin-mankind-naturally-and-generally-love-to-be-flatterdm "A Dissertation on Liberty and Necessity, Pleasure and Pain" (1725)] * I believe there is one Supreme most perfect being. ... I believe He is pleased and delights in the [[happiness]] of those He has created; and since without [[virtue]] man can have no happiness in this world, I firmly believe He delights to see me virtuous. ** "Articles of Belief and Acts of Religion" (1728) * The Body of B. Franklin Printer; Like the Cover of an old Book, Its Contents torn out, And stript of its Lettering and Gilding, Lies here, Food for Worms. But the Work shall not be wholly lost: For it will, as he believ'd, appear once more, In a new & more perfect Edition, Corrected and Amended By the Author. ** Epitaph for himself, written in 1728, at age 22. [https://www.loc.gov/exhibits/franklin/bf-trans61.html "Transcript of Benjamin Franklin, Epitaph – Benjamin Franklin: In His Own Words"], ''Library of Congress: Exhibitions'' (August 16, 2010) ===1730s=== [[File:Benjamin Franklin (1706–1790) MET DT2883.jpg|thumb|[[Freedom of speech]] is a principal pillar of a free government; when this support is taken away, the constitution of a free society is dissolved, and tyranny is erected on its ruins.]] <!--[[File:Freedom of Thought Ben Franklin.jpg|thumb|Freedom of speech is a principal pillar of a free government... Republics... derive their strength and vigor from a popular examination into the action of the magistrates.]]--> * '''If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed.''' ** "Apology for Printers" (1730); later in ''Benjamin Franklin's Autobiographical Writings'' (1945) edited by Carl Van Doren * [[Ambition]] has its disappointments to sour us, but never the good fortune to satisfy us. ** "On True Happiness", ''Pennsylvania Gazette'' (20 November 1735). * '''[[Freedom of speech]] is a principal pillar of a free government; when this support is taken away, the constitution of a free society is dissolved, and [[tyranny]] is erected on its ruins.''' [[Republic|Republics]] and [[w:constitutional_monarchy|limited monarchies]] derive their strength and vigor from a popular examination into the action of the magistrates. ** [http://books.google.de/books?id=HptPAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA431&dq=pillar "On Freedom of Speech and the Press", ''Pennsylvania Gazette'' (17 November 1737)] ===1740s=== * If you would keep your Secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.<br/>Up, Sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough. ** September 1741. [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-02-02-0066 “Poor Richard, 1741,”] ''Founders Online'', National Archives, accessed 27 May 2020. [Original source: ''The Papers of Benjamin Franklin'', vol. 2, ''January 1, 1735, through December 31, 1744'', ed. Leonard W. Labaree. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1961, pp. 292–300.] * The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old [[Women|Woman]] is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement. ** 25 June 1745, "Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress" * '''Remember that [[time]] is [[money]].''' He that can earn ten shillings a day by his [[labor]], and goes abroad, or sits idle, one half of that day, though he spends but sixpence during his diversion or idleness, ought not to reckon that the only expense; he has really spent, rather thrown away, five shillings, besides. <br> “Remember, that [[credit]] is money. If a man lets his money lie in my hands after it is due, he gives me interest, or so much as I can make of it during that time. This amounts to a considerable sum where a man has good and large credit, and makes good use of it. <br> “Remember, that money is of the prolific, generating nature. Money can beget money, and its offspring can beget more, and so on. Five shillings turned is six, turned again it is seven and three pence, and so on, till it becomes a hundred pounds. The more there is of it, the more it produces every turning, so that the profits rise quicker and quicker. He that kills a breeding sow, destroys all her offspring to the thousandth generation. He that murders a crown, destroys all that it might have produced, even scores of pounds.” <br> “Remember this saying, The good paymaster is lord of another man’s purse . He that is known to pay punctually and exactly to the time he promises, may at any time, and on any occasion, raise all the money his friends can spare. This is sometimes of great use. After industry and frugality, nothing contributes more to the raising of a young man in the world than punctuality and justice in all his dealings; therefore never keep borrowed money an hour beyond the time you promised, lest a disappointment shut up your friend’s purse for ever. <br> “The most trifling actions that affect a man’s credit are to be regarded. The sound of your hammer at five in the morning, or eight at night, heard by a creditor, makes him easy six months longer; but if he sees you at a billiard table, or hears your voice at a tavern, when you should be at work, he sends for his money the next day; demands it, before he can receive it, in a lump. ‘It shows, besides, that you are mindful of what you owe; it makes you appear a careful as well as an honest man, and that still increases your credit.’ <br> “Beware of thinking all your own that you possess, and of living accordingly. It is a mistake that many people who have credit fall into. To prevent this, keep an exact account for some time both of your expenses and your income. If you take the pains at first to mention particulars, it will have this good effect: you will discover how wonderfully small, trifling expenses mount up to large sums, and will discern what might have been, and may for the future be saved, without occasioning any great inconvenience. <br> “For six pounds a year you may have the use of one hundred pounds, provided you are a man of known prudence and honesty. <br> “He that spends a groat a day idly, spends idly above six pounds a year, which is the price for the use of one hundred pounds. <br> “He that wastes idly a groat’s worth of his time per day, one day with another, wastes the privilege of using one hundred pounds each day. <br> “He that idly loses five shillings’ worth of time, loses five shillings, and might as prudently throw five shillings into the sea. <br> “He that loses five shillings, not only loses that sum, but all the advantage that might be made by turning it in dealing, which by the time that a young man becomes old, will amount to a considerable sum of money.” ** ''Advice to a Young Tradesman, Written by an Old One'' (1748), as quoted by [[Max Weber]], ''[[w:The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism|The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism]]'', [https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/weber/protestant-ethic/ch02.htm Chapter II: The Spirit of Capitalism], 1905. [//www.archive.org/download/littlemasterpiec00fran/littlemasterpiec00fran_djvu.txt][//www.archive.org/download/selectionsfroma00frangoog/selectionsfroma00frangoog_djvu.txt], [http://www.historycarper.com/resources/twobf2/advice.htm] * ''History'' will also afford frequent Opportunities of showing the Necessity of a [[Christianity in the United States|''Publick Religion'']], from its Usefulness to the Publick; the Advantage of a Religious Character among private Persons; the Mischiefs of Superstition, &c. and the Excellency of the {{smallcaps|Christian Religion}} above all others antient or modern. <br /> ''History'' will also give Occasion to expatiate on the advantage of Civil Orders and Constitutions, how men and their properties are protected by joining in Societies and establishing Government; their Industry encouraged and rewarded, Arts invented, and Life made more comfortable: the Advantages of Liberty, Mischiefs of ''Licentiousness'', Benefits arising from good Laws and a due Execution of Justice &c. '''Thus may the first Principles of sound Politics be fixed in the minds of youth.''' <br /> On ''Historical'' occasions, Questions of Right and Wrong, Justice and Injustice, will naturally arise, and may be put to Youth, which they may debate in Conversation and in Writing. '''When they ardently desire of Victory, for the Sake of the Praise attending it, they will begin to feel the want, and be sensible of the use of the Use of Logic, or the Art of Reasoning to discover Truth, and of Arguing to ''defend'' it, and ''convince'' adversaries.''' ** [http://dewey.library.upenn.edu/sceti/printedbooksNew/index.cfm?textID=franklin_youth&PagePosition=1 ''Proposals Relating to the Education of Youth in Pensilvania'' (1749), p. 22]; the statement relates to the teaching of History as a subject, and the last quoted paragraph concludes with the footnote "†": "'''Public Disputes warm the Imagination, whet the Industry, and strengthen the natural Abilities.'''" ===1750s=== * There is something however in the experiments of points, sending off, or drawing on, the electrical fire, which has not been fully explained, and which I intend to supply... For the doctrine of points is very curious, and the effects of them truly wonderfull; and, from what I have observed on experiments, I am of opinion, that houses, ships, and even towns and churches may be effectually secured from the stroke of lightening by their means; for if, instead of the round balls of wood or metal, which are commonly placed on the tops of the weathercocks, vanes or spindles of churches, spires or masts, there should be put [[w:Lightning rod#United States|a rod of iron]] 8 or 10 feet in length, sharpen'd gradually to a point like a needle, and [[wiktionary:gild#Verb|gilt]] to prevent rusting, or divided into a number of points, which would be better—the electrical fire would, I think, be drawn out of a cloud silently, before it could come near enough to strike... ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-03-02-0188 Letter to Peter Collinson] (March 2, 1750) * The Game of [[Chess]] is not merely an idle amusement; several very valuable qualities of the mind, useful in the course of human life, are to be acquired and strengthened by it, so as to become habits ready on all occasions; for '''life is a kind of Chess, in which we have often points to gain, and competitors or adversaries to contend with, and in which there is a vast variety of good and ill events, that are, in some degree, the effect of [[prudence]], or the want of it.''' By playing at Chess then, we may learn: 1st, Foresight, which looks a little into futurity, and considers the consequences that may attend an action ... 2nd, Circumspection, which surveys the whole Chess-board, or scene of action: — the relation of the several Pieces, and their situations; ... 3rd, Caution, not to make our moves too hastily... ** "The Morals of Chess" (article) (1750) * why should the [[Germans|Palatine Boors]] be suffered to swarm into our Settlements, and by herding together establish [[German language|their Language]] and Manners to the Exclusion of ours? Why should [[Pennsylvania]], founded by the English, become a Colony of Aliens, who will shortly be so numerous as to Germanize us instead of our Anglifying them, and will never adopt our Language or Customs, any more than they can acquire our Complexion. 24. Which leads me to add one Remark: That the Number of purely white People in the World is proportionably very small. All Africa is black or tawny. Asia chiefly tawny. America (exclusive of the new Comers) wholly so. And in Europe, the Spaniards, Italians, French, Russians and Swedes, are generally of what we call a swarthy Complexion; as are the Germans also, the Saxons only excepted, who with the English, make the principal Body of [[White people|White People]] on the Face of the Earth. I could wish their Numbers were increased. And while we are, as I may call it, Scouring our Planet, by clearing America of Woods, and so making this Side of our Globe reflect a brighter Light to the Eyes of Inhabitants in [[Mars]] or [[Venus]], why should we in the Sight of Superior Beings, darken its People? why increase the Sons of Africa, by Planting them in America, where we have so fair an Opportunity, by excluding all Blacks and Tawneys, of increasing the lovely White and Red? But perhaps I am partial to the Complexion of my Country, for such Kind of Partiality is natural to Mankind. **1751 [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-04-02-0080 Observations Concerning the Increase of Mankind] * Make a small Cross of two light Strips of Cedar, the Arms so long as to reach to the four Corners of a large thin Silk Handkerchief when extended; tie the Corners of the Handkerchief to the Extremities of the Cross, so you have the Body of a Kite; which being properly accommodated with a Tail, Loop and String, will rise in the Air, like those made of Paper; but this being of Silk is fitter to bear the Wet and Wind of a Thunder Gust without tearing. To the Top of the upright Stick of the Cross is to be fixed a very sharp pointed Wire, rising a Foot or more above the Wood. To the End of the Twine, next the Hand, is to be tied a silk Ribbon, and where the Twine and the silk join, a Key may be fastened. This Kite is to be raised when a Thunder Gust appears to be coming on, and the Person who holds the String must stand within a Door, or Window, or under some Cover, so that the Silk Ribbon may not be wet; and Care must be taken that the Twine does not touch the Frame of the Door or Window. As soon as any of the Thunder Clouds come over the Kite, the pointed Wire will draw the Electric Fire from them, and the Kite, with all the Twine, will be electrified, and the loose Filaments of the Twine will stand out every Way, and be attracted by an approaching Finger. And when the Rain has wet the Kite and Twine, so that it can conduct the Electric Fire freely, you will find it stream out plentifully from the Key on the Approach of your Knuckle. At this Key the Phial may be charg'd; and from Electric Fire thus obtain'd, Spirits may be kindled, and all the other Electric Experiments be perform'd, which are usually done by the Help of a rubbed Glass Globe or Tube; and thereby the Sameness of the Electric Matter with that of Lightning compleatly demonstrated. ** "Franklin's statement", ''The Pennsylvania Gazette'' (19 October 1752) * These Thoughts, my dear Friend, are many of them crude and hasty, and if I were merely ambitious of acquiring some Reputation in [[Philosophy]], I ought to keep them by me, ’till corrected and improved by Time and farther [[Experience]]. But since even short Hints, and imperfect Experiments in any new Branch of [[Science]], being communicated, have oftentimes a good Effect, in exciting the attention of the Ingenious to the Subject, and so becoming the Occasion of more exact disquisitions (as I before observed) and more compleat Discoveries, you are at [[Liberty]] to communicate this Paper to whom you please; it being of more Importance that [[Knowledge]] should increase, than that your Friend should be thought an accurate Philosopher. ** Letter from Benjamin Franklin to Peter Collinson (September 1753) [[File:Statue of Liberty in front of setting sun, 22 December 2002.jpg|thumb|Those who would give up essential [[Liberty]], to purchase a little temporary [[Safety]], deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.]] *'''Those who would give up essential [[Liberty]], to purchase a little temporary [[Safety]], deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.''' ** This was first used by Franklin for the Pennsylvania Assembly in its "Reply to the Governor" (November 11, 1755) [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-06-02-0107 Reply to the Governor] [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-06-02-0107#BNFN-01-06-02-0107-fn-0005] ** This quote was used as a motto on the title page of ''An Historical Review of the Constitution and Government of Pennsylvania'' (1759); the book was published by Franklin; its author was Richard Jackson, but Franklin did claim responsibility for some small excerpts that were used in it. ** In 1775 Franklin again used this phrase in his contribution to Massachusetts Conference (Objections to Barclay’s Draft Articles of February 16 [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-21-02-0269]): "'''They who can give up essential Liberty to obtain a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.'''" ** An earlier variant by Franklin in ''[[Poor Richard's Almanack]]'' (1738): "'''Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor Liberty to purchase power.'''" ** Many paraphrased derivatives of this have often become attributed to Franklin: *** They that can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.<br> They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. <br> Those Who Sacrifice Liberty For Security Deserve Neither.<br> He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security.<br> He who sacrifices freedom for security deserves neither.<br>People willing to trade their freedom for temporary security deserve neither and will lose both. <br> If we restrict liberty to attain security we will lose them both.<br> Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.<br> He who gives up freedom for safety deserves neither.<br> Those who would trade in their freedom for their protection deserve neither. <br> Those who give up their liberty for more security neither deserve liberty nor security. *How much more than is necessary do we spend in Sleep! forgetting that ''The sleeping Fox catches no Poultry'',^{[Sept. 1743]} and that ''there will be sleeping enough in the Grave'',^{[Sept. 1741]} as Poor Richard says. ** “Father Abraham's Speech,” preface to: [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-07-02-0146 “Poor Richard Improved, 1758,”] Founders Online, National Archives, accessed 27 May 2020. [Original source: The Papers of Benjamin Franklin, vol. 7, October 1, 1756 through March 31, 1758, ed. Leonard W. Labaree. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1963, pp. 326–355] ===1760s=== * [T]he waters moved away from the [[North America|North American]] Coast towards the coasts of Spain and Africa, whence they get again into the Power of the [[w:Trade_Winds|Trade Winds]], and continue the Circulation. ...so long and so strong a Current as that of the ''[[w:Gulf_Stream|Gulph Stream]]'', thro' all the Latitudes of variable Winds, can only be accounted for, by its having a considerable Descent, and moving from Parts where the Water is higher, to Parts where it is lower. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-10-02-0046 Letter to John Pringle] (May 27, 1762) See also Louis De Vorsey, "Pioneer of the Gulf Stream: The Contributions of Benjamin Franklin and William Gerard De Brahm" ''Imago Mundi'' (1976) 28: p. 106 * I am for doing [[good]] to the poor, but I differ in opinion of the means. <strong>I think the best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy <em>in</em> poverty, but leading or driving them <em>out </em>of it</strong>. In my youth I travelled much, and I observed in different countries, that the more public provisions were made for the poor, the less they provided for themselves, and of course became poorer. And, on the contrary, <strong>the less was done for them, the more they did for themselves, and became richer</strong>. There is no country in the world where so many provisions are established for them; so many hospitals to receive them when they are sick or lame, founded and maintained by voluntary charities; so many [[w:Almshouses|alms-houses]] for the aged of both sexes, together with a solemn general law made by the rich to subject their estates to a heavy tax for the support of the poor. Under all these obligations, are our poor modest, humble, and thankful; and do they use their best endeavours to maintain themselves, and lighten our shoulders of this burthen? On the contrary, I affirm that there is no country in the world in which the poor are more idle, dissolute, drunken, and insolent. The day you passed that act, you took away from before their eyes the greatest of all inducements to industry, frugality, and sobriety, by giving them a dependence on somewhat else than a careful accumulation during youth and health, for support in age or sickness. '''In short, you offered a premium for the encouragement of idleness, and you should not now wonder that it has had its effect in the increase of poverty'''. ** [http://founding.com/founders-library/american-political-figures/benjamin-franklin/on-the-price-of-corn-and-management-of-the-poor/ ''On the Price of Corn and Management of the Poor''] (29 November 1766) * <strong>The [[good]] particular men may do separately, in relieving the sick, is small, compared with what they may do collectively.</strong> ** ''Appeal for the Hospital'' The Pennsylvania Gazette (8 August 1751) * [Referring to private hospital funding alone:] That won't work, it will never be enough, good [[health care]] costs a lot of money, remembering 'the distant parts of this province' in which 'assistance cannot be procured, but at an expense that neither [the sick-poor] nor their townships can afford.' ... '[This] seems essential to the true spirit of [[Christianity]], and should be extended to all in general, <strong>whether deserving or undeserving</strong>, as far as our power reaches.' ** In 1751, Franklin's friend, Dr. Thomas Bond, convinced him to champion the building of a public hospital. Through his hard work and political ingenuity, Franklin brought the skeptical legislature to the table, bargaining his way to use public money to build what would become Pennsylvania Hospital. Franklin proposed an institution that would provide — 'free of charge' —the finest health care to everybody, 'whether inhabitants of the province or strangers,' even to the 'poor diseased foreigners"' (referring to the immigrants of German stock that the colonials tended to disparage and discriminate). Countering the Assembly's insistence that the hospital be built only with private donations, Franklin made the above statement. Various articles by Franklin supporting his ''Appeal for the Hospital'' in ''The Pennsylvania Gazette'' (1751) as quoted in ''Pulphead: Essays'' by John Jeremiah Sullivan. {{Citation needed|reason=This appears to be a paraphrase from a January 7, 2010 article in GQ, not an original quote |date=November 2020}} ===1770s=== * Can sweetening our [[tea]], &c. with [[w:Sugar|sugar]], be a circumstance of such absolute necessity? Can the petty pleasure thence arising to the taste, compensate for so much misery produced among our fellow creatures, and such a constant butchery of the human species by this pestilential detestable traffic in the bodies and souls of men?—Pharisaical [[United Kingdom|Britain]]! to pride thyself in setting free a single [[Slavery|Slave]] that happens to land on thy coasts, while thy [[Merchant|Merchants]] in all thy ports are encouraged by thy laws to continue a commerce whereby so many hundreds of thousands are dragged into a slavery that can scarce be said to end with their lives, since it is entailed on their posterity! **For ''The London Chronicle'' (20 June 1772). [[s:The Somersett Case and the Slave Trade|The Somersett Case and the Slave Trade]] As quoted in ''Let This Voice Be Heard - Anthony Benezet, Father of Atlantic Abolitionism'' (2010), p. 113 * '''That the vegetable creation should restore the air which is spoiled by the animal part of it, looks like a rational system, and seems to be of a piece with the rest.''' Thus fire purifies water all the world over. It purifies it by distillation, when it raises it in vapours, and lets it fall in rain; and farther still by filtration, when keeping it fluid, it suffers that rain to percolate the earth. We knew before that putrid animal substances were converted into sweet vegetables when mixed with the earth and applied as manure; and now, it seems, that the same putrid substances, mixed with the air, have a similar effect. The strong, thriving state of your mint, in putrid air, seems to show that the air is mended by taking something from it, and not by adding to it. '''I hope this will give some check to the rage of destroying trees that grow near houses, which has accompanied our late improvements in gardening, from an opinion of their being unwholesome.''' I am certain, from long observation, that there is nothing unhealthy in the air of woods; for we Americans have everywhere our country habitations in the midst of woods, and no people on earth enjoy better health or are more prolific. ** "Letter to [[Joseph Priestley]]" in response to Priestley's "experiments on the restoration of air [by plants] made noxious by animals breathing it, or putrefying it..." read in ''Philosophical Transactions'' LXII 147-267 of the Royal Society (1772) and quoted in [[w:John Towill Rutt|John Towill Rutt]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=psMGAAAAQAAJ Life and Correspondence of Joseph Priestley]...'' Vol.1 (1831) [[File:Slaves cutting the sugar cane - Ten Views in the Island of Antigua (1823), plate IV - BL.jpg|thumb|right|Can sweetening our tea, &c. with sugar, be a circumstance of such absolute necessity? Can the petty pleasure thence arising to the taste, compensate for so much misery produced among our fellow creatures, and such a constant butchery of the human species by this pestilential detestable traffic in the bodies and souls of men?—Pharisaical Britain!]] * '''But our great security lies, I think, in our growing strength''', both in numbers and wealth; ... unless, by a neglect of military discipline, we should lose all martial spirit ...; for there is much truth in the Italian saying, '''Make yourselves sheep, and the wolves will eat you.''' ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/franklin-the-works-of-benjamin-franklin-vol-vi-letters-and-misc-writings-1772-1775#lf1438-06_head_007 Letter to Thomas Cushing (1773)] * '''[A] great Empire, like a great Cake, is most easily diminished at the Edges.''' ** "[[wikisource:Rules By Which A Great Empire May Be Reduced To A Small One|Rules By Which A Great Empire May Be Reduced To A Small One]]"; ''The Public Advertiser'' (September 11, 1773) *I am much obliged by the kind present you have made us of your '''edition of Vattel'''. It came to us in good season, when the circumstances of a rising state make it necessary frequently to consult ''The Law of Nations''. Accordingly, that copy which I kept, (after depositing one in our own public library here, and sending the other to the college of Massachusetts Bay, as you directed,) has been '''continually in the hands of the members of our congress, now sitting''', who are much pleased with your notes and preface, and have '''entertained a high and just esteem for their author'''. **[https://web.archive.org/web/20130905195359/https://etext.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=DelVol02.xml&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=459&division=div1 9 December 1775] letter from Franklin thanking [[Charles Dumas]] for sending him three copies of [[Emer de Vattel]]'s book * He has paid dear, very dear, for his whistle. ** ''The Whistle'' (November, 1779); reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) ===1780s=== * They appeared all to have made considerable progress in reading for the time they had respectively been in the school, and most of them answered readily and well the questions of the catechism. They behaved very orderly, and showed a proper respect and ready obedience to the mistress, and seemed very attentive to, and a good deal affected by, a serious exhoration with which Mister Sturgeon concluded our visit. '''I was on the whole much pleased, and from what I then saw, have conceived a higher opinion of the natural capacities of the black race, than I had ever before entertained. Their apprehension seems as quick, their memory as strong, and their docility in every respect equal to that of white children.''' **Letter to Waring (17 December 1783), after visiting a school, as quoted in [//web.archive.org/web/20131118045451/http://www.home.nas.com/lopresti/bf.htm ''The First American: The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin''] (March 2002), by H.W. Brands, p. 355.<!--{{cite book|url=//web.archive.org/web/20131118045451/http://www.home.nas.com/lopresti/bf.htm|last=Brands|first=H.W.|title=The First American|publisher=Doubleday|location=New York|page=355|year=2000|isbn=0-385-49328-2|accessdate=November 17, 2013}}--> * Much less is it adviseable for a Person to go thither [to America], who has no other [[Quality]] to recommend him but his [[Birth]]. In Europe it has indeed its [[Value]]; but it is a Commodity that cannot be carried to a worse Market than that of America, where people do not inquire concerning a [[Stranger]], ''What is he?'' but, ''What can he do?'' ** March 1784 ''Information to Those Who Would Remove to America'' * The art of concluding from experience and observation consists in evaluating probabilities, in estimating if they are high or numerous enough to constitute proof. This type of calculation is more complicated and more difficult than one might think. It demands a great sagacity generally above the power of common people. The success of charlatans, sorcerors, and alchemists — and all those who abuse public credulity — is founded on errors in this type of [[calculation]]. ** Benjamin Franklin and [[Antoine Lavoisier]], ''Rapport des commissaires chargés par le roi de l'examen du magnétisme animal'' (1784),<!-- Imprimerie royale--> as translated in "The Chain of Reason versus the Chain of Thumbs", ''Bully for Brontosaurus'' (1991) by [[Stephen Jay Gould]], <!--W.W. Norton-->p. 195 * The first man put at the helm will be a good one. No body knows what sort may come afterwards. '''The Executive will be always increasing here, as elsewhere, till it ends in a Monarchy'''. ** Records of the Federal Convention (which resulted in the [[United States Constitution]]), [https://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_7_2-3s4.html June 4, 1787] ====[[Constitutional Convention (United States)|Constitutional Convention]] of 1787==== [[File:KeysToCommunity.jpg|thumb|right|A lady asked Franklin: "Well, Doctor, what have we got—a Republic or a Monarchy?". Franklin replied: "A Republic, if you can keep it."]] * I've lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing Proofs I see of this Truth — ''That [[God]] governs in the Affairs of Men''. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without his Notice, is it probable that an Empire can rise without his Aid? We have been assured, Sir, in the Sacred Writings, that except the Lord build the House they labor in vain who build it. I firmly believe this, — and I also believe that without his concurring Aid, we shall succeed in this political Building no better than the Builders of Babel: We shall be divided by our little partial local interests; our Projects will be confounded, and we ourselves shall become a Reproach and Bye word down to future Ages. ** Speech to the Constitutional Convention (28 June 1787); [http://lcweb.loc.gov/exhibits/religion/vc006642.jpg Manuscript notes by Franklin preserved in the Library of Congress] * The more the people are discontented with the oppression of taxes; the greater need the prince has of money to distribute among his partisans and pay the troops that are to suppress all resistance, and enable him to plunder at pleasure. There is scarce a king in a hundred who would not, if he could, follow the example of Pharaoh, get first all the peoples money, then all their lands, and then make them and their children servants for ever. . . ** Speech to the Constitutional Convention, (June 2, 1787) * I confess that there are several parts of this Constitution which I do not at present approve, but I am not sure I shall never approve them. For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged by better information, or fuller consideration, to change opinions even on important subjects, which I once thought right, but found to be otherwise. ** Speech in the Constitutional Convention, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (September 17, 1787); reported in [[James Madison]], ''Journal of the Federal Convention'', ed. E. H. Scott (1893), p. 741 * In these sentiments, Sir, I agree to this Constitution, with all its faults, — if they are such; because I think a general Government necessary for us, and there is no form of government but what may be a blessing to the people, if well administered; and I believe, farther, that this is likely to be well administered for a course of years, and can only end in despotism, as other forms have done before it, when the people shall become so corrupted as to need despotic government, being incapable of any other. ** Speech to the Constitutional Convention (September 17, 1787); reported in [[James Madison]], ''Journal of the Federal Convention'', ed. E. H. Scott (1893), p. 742 * Whilst the last members were signing it Doctor Franklin looking towards the President's Chair, at the back of which a rising sun happened to be painted, observed to a few members near him, that Painters had found it difficult to distinguish in their art a rising from a setting sun. "I have," said he, "often and often in the course of the Session, and the vicissitudes of my hopes and fears as to its issue, looked at that behind the President without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting: '''But now at length I have the happiness to know that it is a rising and not a setting Sun'''." ** At the signing of the United States Constitution, ''Journal of the Constitutional Convention'' (17 September 1787) * A lady asked Franklin: "Well, Doctor, what have we got—a Republic or a Monarchy?". Franklin replied: "A [[w:Republic|Republic]], if you can keep it." ** From a note of uncertain date by Dr. James McHenry. In a footnote he added that "The lady here aluded to was Mrs. Powel of Philada." Published in ''The American Historical Review'', v. 11, p. 618. [http://www.bartleby.com/73/1593.html At the close of the Constitutional Convention of 1787] ===Date unclear=== [[File:Vittore Carpaccio 075.jpg|thumb|As to [[Jesus]] of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of Morals and His Religion, as He left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissenters in England, some Doubts as to His divinity; tho' it is a question I do not dogmatize upon...]] * Has not the famous political Fable of the [[Snake]], with two Heads and one Body, some useful Instruction contained in it? She was going to a Brook to drink, and in her Way was to pass thro' a Hedge, a Twig of which opposed her direct Course; one Head chose to go on the right side of the Twig, the other on the left, so that time was spent in the Contest, and, before the Decision was completed, the poor Snake died with thirst. ** ''Queries and Remarks Respecting Alterations in the Constitution of Pennsylvania'' reported in Albert H. Smyth, ed., ''The Writings of Benjamin Franklin'' (1907), vol. 10, pp. 57–58 * '''Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.''' ** As quoted in ''Dictionary of Thoughts'' (1908) by [[Tryon Edwards]], p. 22 *'''[[Slavery]] is such an atrocious debasement of human nature, that its very extirpation, if not performed with solicitious care, may sometimes open a source of serious evils.''' The unhappy man who has been treated as a brute animal, too frequently sinks beneath the common standard of the human species. The galling chains, that bind his body, do also fetter his intellectual faculties, and impair the social affections of his heart... To instruct, to advise, to qualify those, who have been restored to freedom, for the exercise and enjoyment of civil liberty... and to procure for their children an education calculated for their future situation in life; these are the great outlines of the annexed plan, which we have adopted. **For the Pennsylvania Society for Promoting the Abolition of Slavery (1789). As quoted in ''[http://www.amazon.com/Franklin-Writings-Library-America-Benjamin/dp/0940450291 Writings]'' (1987), p. 1154-1155 * [[God]] grant, that not only the Love of Liberty, but a thorough Knowledge of the Rights of Man, may pervade all the Nations of the [[Earth]], so that a [[Philosopher]] may set his Foot anywhere on its Surface, and say, 'This is my Country.' ** Letter to David Hartley (December 4, 1789); reported in Albert H. Smyth, ed., ''The Writings of Benjamin Franklin'' (1907), Volume 10, p. 72; often quoted as, "''Where liberty dwells, there is my country''". * '''As to [[Jesus]] of Nazareth, my Opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the System of [[Morality|Morals]] and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the world ever saw or is likely to see'''; but I apprehend it has received various corrupt changes, and I have, with most of the present [[w:English Dissenters|Dissenters in England]], some Doubts as to his divinity; tho' it is a question I do not dogmatize upon, having never studied it, and I think it needless to busy myself with it now, when I expect soon an Opportunity of knowing the Truth with less Trouble. ** As quoted in ''Benjamin Franklin: An Exploration of a Life of Science and Service'' (1938) by [[w:Carl Clinton Van Doren|Carl Van Doren]],<!-- New York: The Viking Press --> p. 777. ** Variation: "The moral and religious system which Jesus Christ transmitted to us is the best the world has ever seen, or can see.", as quoted in John Wallis (1856), ''[https://books.google.es/books?id=jfgDAAAAQAAJ&pg=PA428&dq=franklin The British Millennial Harbinger]'', p. 428 * Man [is a] tool-making animal. ** Quoted by [[w:James Boswell|James Boswell]] in ''[[w:Life of Samuel Johnson|The Life of Samuel Johnson]]'', [https://books.google.de/books?id=nuINAAAAQAAJ&pg=PA199&dq=tool-making April 7, 1778] (1791) * Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. ** Quoted by Gerald Gawalt in "[https://www.loc.gov/loc/lcib/0601/franklin.html In His Own Words: Library Exhibition Celebrates Tercentenary of Benjamin Franklin's Birth]" ===Poor Richard's Almanack (1733-1758)=== {{main|Poor Richard's Almanack}} * '''[[Distrust]] & [[caution]] are the parents of [[security]].''' ** [[Poor_Richard%27s_Almanack#1733|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1733)]] * '''If you desire many things, many things will seem but a few.''' ** [http://www.rarebookroom.org/Control/frapos/index.html ''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1736),] November *'''A penny saved is two pence clear.''' **"Hints For Those That Would Be Rich", [[Poor_Richard%27s_Almanack#1743|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1737)]] *'''Well done is better than well said.''' **[[Poor_Richard%27s_Almanack#1737|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1737)]] * '''Let all Men know thee, but no man know thee thoroughly: Men freely ford that see the shallows.''' ** [[Poor_Richard%27s_Almanack#1743|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1743)]] * '''Love your Enemies, for they tell you your Faults.''' ** [[Poor_Richard's_Almanack#1756|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1756)]]; this has also been quoted in a paraphrased form used by [[Bill Clinton]] in [[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/122320.stm 1998 address to Beijing University], as "Our critics are our friends, they show us our faults" *'''A penny saved is a penny got.''' **Preface, [[Poor_Richard%27s_Almanack#1733|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1758)]] * '''The Way to ſee by ''Faith'' is to ſhut the Eye of ''Reaſon'': The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.''' ** "July. ''VII Month.''", [[Poor_Richard's_Almanack#1758|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1758)]], Philadelphia: B. Frankin and D. Hall * '''It would be thought a hard [[Government]] that should tax its People one-tenth Part of their Time, to be employed in its Service.''' ** [[Poor_Richard's_Almanack#1758|''Poor Richard's Almanack'' (1758)]], “The Way to Wealth” ===Petition from the Pennsylvania Society (1790)=== :<small>[https://web.archive.org/web/20060521035446/http://www.ushistory.org:80/documents/antislavery.htm "Petition from the Pennsylvania Society for the Abolition of Slavery"] (3 February 1790)</small> *[M]ankind are all formed by the same Almighty being, alike objects of his Care & equally designed for the Enjoyment of Happiness the Christian Religion teaches us to believe & the [[Politics of the United States|Political Creed of America]] fully coincides with the Position. *[B]lessings ought rightfully to be administered, without distinction of Colour, to all descriptions of People, so they indulge themselves in the pleasing expectation, that nothing, which can be done for the relive of the unhappy objects of their care, will be either omitted or delayed. *From a persuasion that equal liberty was originally the Portion, It is still the Birthright of all men. === The Autobiography (1818) === :<small>Various incomplete editions of this work were published from 1791 onwards; Franklin is known to have worked on it intermittently from 1771 to 1789. The work is traditionally divided into four parts, based on the time of writing. The page references given below are taken from ''Benjamin Franklin's Autobiography'' (1986) · [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/20203 1916 edition online at Project Gutenberg] </small> [[File:Ben Franklin sculpture (University of Pennsylvania).JPG|thumb|right|[[Human]] [[felicity]] is produced not so much by [[great]] pieces of [[good]] [[fortune]] that seldom happen, as by little advantages that occur every [[day]].]] [[File:Benjamin Franklin National Memorial.jpg|thumb|right|So convenient a thing it is to be a ''reasonable creature'', since it enables one to find or make a [[reason]] for everything one has a [[mind]] to do.]] * Indeed I scarce ever heard or saw the introductory [[Words]], ''Without [[Vanity]] I may say'', etc. but some vain thing immediately follow'd. '''Most People dislike Vanity in others whatever Share they have of it themselves''', but I give it fair Quarter wherever I meet with it, being persuaded that it is often productive of Good to the Possessor and to others that are within his Sphere of Action: And therefore in many Cases it would not be quite absurd if a Man were to thank [[God]] for his Vanity among the other Comforts of Life. ** Part I, p. 2 * '''From a Child I was fond of Reading, and all the little [[Money]] that came into my Hands was ever laid out in [[Books]].''' ** Part I, p. 9 * I believe I have omitted mentioning that in my first Voyage from [[Boston]], being becalm'd off Block Island, our People set about catching Cod and haul'd up a great many. Hitherto I had stuck to my Resolution of not eating animal Food and on this Occasion, I consider'd with my Master [[Thomas Tryon|Tryon]], the taking every [[Fish]] as a kind of unprovok'd Murder, since none of them had or ever could do us any Injury that might justify the Slaughter. All this seem'd very reasonable. But I had formerly been a great Lover of Fish, and when this came hot out of the Frying Pan, it smelt admirably well. I balanc'd some [[time]] between [[Principle]] and Inclination: till I recollected, that when the Fish were opened, I saw smaller Fish taken out of their Stomachs: Then, thought I, if you eat one another, I don't see why we mayn't eat you. So I din'd upon Cod very heartily and continu'd to eat with other People, returning only now and then occasionally to a vegetable Diet. '''So convenient a thing it is to be a ''reasonable creature'', since it enables one to find or make a [[reason]] for everything one has a [[mind]] to do.''' ** Part I, p. 28 * My Parents had early given me religious Impressions, and brought me through my Childhood piously in the Dissenting Way. But I was scarce 15 when, after doubting by turns of several Points as I found them disputed in the different Books I read, I began to doubt of [[Revelation]] itself. Some Books against [[Deism]] fell into my Hands; they were said to be the Substance of Sermons preached at Boyle's Lectures. It happened that they wrought an Effect on me quite contrary to what was intended by them: '''For the Arguments of the Deists which were quoted to be refuted, appeared to me much Stronger than the Refutations. In short I soon became a thorough Deist.''' ** Part I, p. 45 * This Library afforded me the Means of Improvement by constant [[Study]], for which I set apart an Hour or two each Day; and thus repair'd in some Degree the Loss of the Learned Education my Father once intended for me. Reading was the only Amusement I allow'd myself. I spent no time in Taverns, Games, or Frolics of any kind. And my Industry in my Business continu'd as indefatigable as it was necessary. ** Part II, p. 64 *Some volumes against Deism fell into my hands ... they produced an effect precisely the reverse to what was intended by the writers; for the arguments of the Deists, which were cited in order to be refuted, appeared to me much more forcibly than the refutation itself; in a word, I soon became a thorough Deist. ** p. 74 *These [[Names]] of [[Virtues]] with their Precepts were **1. [[Temperance|TEMPERANCE]]. Eat not to Dulness. Drink not to Elevation. **2. [[Silence|SILENCE]]. Speak not but what may benefit others or your self. Avoid trifling Conversation. **3. [[Order|ORDER]]. Let all your Things have their Places. Let each part of your Business have its Time. **4. [[Resolution|RESOLUTION]]. Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve. **5. [[Frugality|FRUGALITY]]. Make no Expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e. Waste nothing. **6. [[Industry|INDUSTRY]]. Lose no Time. Be always employ'd in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions. **7. [[Sincerity|SINCERITY]]. Use no hurtful Deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly. **8. [[Justice|JUSTICE]]. Wrong none, by doing Injuries or omitting the Benefits that are your Duty. **9. [[Moderation|MODERATION]]. Avoid Extremes. Forbear resenting Injuries so much as you think they deserve. **10. [[Cleanliness|CLEANLINESS]]. Tolerate no Uncleanliness in Body, Clothes, or Habitation. **11. [[Tranquility|TRANQUILLITY]]. Be not disturbed at Trifles, or at Accidents common or unavoidable. **12. [[Chastity|CHASTITY]]. Rarely use Venery but for Health or Offspring; Never to Dulness, Weakness, or the Injury of your own or another's Peace or Reputation. **13. [[Humility|HUMILITY]]. Imitate [[Jesus]] and [[Socrates]]. [Part II, pp. 67-68] *** The last of Franklin's chart of 13 virtues: "My List of Virtues contain'd at first but twelve; but a Quaker Friend having kindly inform'd me that I was generally thought proud; … I determined endeavouring to cure myself if I could of this Vice or Folly among the rest, and I added ''Humility'' to my List..." ** Part II, p. 75 * In [[reality]] there is perhaps no one of our [[natural]] [[Passions]] so hard to subdue as ''[[Pride]]''. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself. You will see it perhaps often in this History. For even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my Humility. [Part II, p. 76] ** Written in Passy (1784), Ch. VI * In 1736 I lost one of my Sons, a fine Boy of 4 Years old, by the Smallpox taken in the common way. I long regretted bitterly and still regret that I had not given it to him by Inoculation. This I mention for the Sake of Parents who omit that Operation on the Supposition that they should never forgive themselves if a Child died under it; my Example showing that the Regret may be the same either way, and that therefore the safer should be chosen. ** On [[w:Immunization|Immunization]], Part III, p. 83 * Upon one of his [<nowiki/>[[George Whitefield]]'s] Arrivals from England at Boston, he wrote to me that he should come soon to Philadelphia, but knew not where he could lodge when there .... My Answer was; You know my House, if you can make shift with its scanty Accommodations you will be most heartily welcome. He replied, that if I made that kind of Offer for Christ's sake, I should not miss of a Reward. And I return'd, ''Don't let me be mistaken; it was not for Christ's sake, but for your sake.'' One of our common Acquaintance jocosely remark'd, that knowing it to be the Custom of the Saints, when they receiv'd any favor, to shift the Burden of the Obligation from off their own Shoulders, and place it in Heaven, I had contriv'd to fix it on Earth. ** Part III, p. 89 * Governor Thomas was so pleas'd with the Construction of this Stove, as describ'd in it, that he offer'd to give me a Patent for the sole Vending of them for a Term of Years; but I declin'd it from a Principle which has ever weigh'd with me on such Occasions, viz. ''That '''as we enjoy great Advantages from the Inventions of Others, we should be glad of an Opportunity to serve others by any Invention of ours, and this we should do freely and generously.''''' ** Part III, p. 98 * '''Human [[Felicity]] is produc'd not so much by great Pieces of good Fortune that seldom happen, as by little Advantages that occur every Day.''' ** Part III, p. 108 === Epistles === [[File:Benjamin Franklin 1767.jpg|thumb|That it is better 100 guilty Persons should escape than that one innocent Person should suffer, is a maxim that has been long and generally approved; never, that I know of, controverted.]] [[File:Franklin HalfObverse.jpg|thumb|Our new [[Constitution of the United States|Constitution]] is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except [[death]] and [[taxes]]!]] * '''I think [[opinions]] should be judged of by their influences and effects; and if a man holds none that tend to make him less virtuous or more vicious, it may be concluded that he holds none that are dangerous, which I hope is the case with me.''' ** Letter to his father, 13 April 1738, printed in ''Memoirs of Benjamin Franklin'' (Philadelphia, 1834), volume 1, p. 233; also quoted in ''Benjamin Franklin: An American Life'' (2003) by [[w:Walter Isaacson|Walter Isaacson]] * We are a kind of posterity in respect to them. ** Letter to William Strahan (1745); reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) *Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness... [W]hen Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good... [Y]ou should prefer old Women to young ones. **[https://www.swarthmore.edu/SocSci/bdorsey1/41docs/51-fra.html Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress] (25 June 1745) * But I must own that I am much in the Dark about Light. I am not satisfy'd with the doctrine that supposes particles of matter call'd light continually driven off from the Sun's Surface, with a Swiftness so prodigious! ** Letter to Cadwallader Colden (23 April 1752) * When an [[Native Americans in the United States|Indian]] Child has been brought up among us, taught our language and habituated to our Customs, yet if he goes to see his relations and makes one Indian Ramble with them, there is no perswading him ever to return, and that this is not natural to them merely as Indians, but as men, is plain from this, that when white persons of either sex have been taken prisoners young by the Indians, and lived a while among them, tho' ransomed by their Friends, and treated with all imaginable tenderness to prevail with them to stay among the English, yet in a Short time they become disgusted with our manner of life, and the care and pains that are necessary to support it, and take the first good Opportunity of escaping again into the Woods, from whence there is no reclaiming them. ** Letter to London merchant Peter Collinson (9 May 1753); reported in Labaree: "Papers of Benjamin Franklin", vol 4, pp 481-482 * For my own Part, when I am employed in serving others, I do not look upon myself as conferring Favours, but as paying Debts. In my Travels, and since my Settlement, I have received much Kindness from Men, to whom I shall never have any Opportunity of making the least direct Return. And numberless Mercies from God, who is infinitely above being benefited by our Services. Those Kindnesses from Men, I can therefore only Return on their Fellow Men; and I can only shew my Gratitude for these mercies from God, by a readiness to help his other Children and my Brethren. For I do not think that Thanks and Compliments, tho' repeated weekly, can discharge our real Obligations to each other, and much less those to our Creator. ** Letter to Joseph Huey (6 June 1753); published in Albert Henry Smyth, ''The Writings of Benjamin Franklin'', volume 3, p. 144 * The Faith you mention has doubtless its use in the World. I do not desire to see it diminished, nor would I endeavour to lessen it in any Man. But I wish it were more productive of good Works, than I have generally seen it: I mean real good Works, Works of Kindness, Charity, Mercy, and Publick Spirit; not Holiday-keeping, Sermon-Reading or Hearing; performing Church Ceremonies, or making long Prayers, filled with Flatteries and Compliments, despis'd even by wise Men, and much less capable of pleasing the Deity. The worship of God is a Duty; the hearing and reading of Sermons may be useful; but, if Men rest in Hearing and Praying, as too many do, it is as if a Tree should Value itself on being water'd and putting forth Leaves, tho' it never produc'd any Fruit. ** Letter to Joseph Huey (6 June 1753); published in Albert Henry Smyth, ''The Writings of Benjamin Franklin'', volume 3, p. 145[[File:1776ContinentalCurrencyNoteGraphic.jpg|thumb|Every Body cries, a [[Union (American Civil War)|Union]] is absolutely necessary, but when they come to the Manner and Form of the Union, their weak Noddles are perfectly distracted.]] * Every Body cries, a Union is absolutely necessary, but when they come to the Manner and Form of the Union, their weak Noddles are perfectly distracted. ** Letter to Peter Collinson (29 December 1754); published in ''The Writings of Benjamin Franklin'' (1905), edited by Albert Henry Smyth, Vol. III, p. 242; also misquoted using "Noodles" for "Noddles". * I have read your Manuscript with some Attention. By the Arguments it contains against the Doctrine of a particular Providence, tho' you allow a general Providence, you strike at the Foundation of all Religion: For without the Belief of a Providence that takes Cognizance of, guards and guides and may favour particular Persons, there is no Motive to Worship a Deity, to fear its Displeasure, or to pray for its Protection. I will not enter into any Discussion of your Principles, tho' you seem to desire it; '''At present I shall only give you my Opinion that tho' your Reasonings are subtle, and may prevail with some Readers, you will not succeed so as to change the general Sentiments of Mankind on that Subject, and the Consequence of printing this Piece will be a great deal of Odium drawn upon your self, Mischief to you and no Benefit to others. He that spits against the Wind, spits in his own Face.''' But were you to succeed, do you imagine any Good would be done by it? You yourself may find it easy to live a virtuous Life without the Assistance afforded by Religion; you having a clear Perception of the Advantages of Virtue and the Disadvantages of Vice, and possessing a Strength of Resolution sufficient to enable you to resist common Temptations. '''But think how great a Proportion of Mankind consists of weak and ignorant Men and Women, and of inexperienc'd and inconsiderate Youth of both Sexes, who have need of the Motives of Religion to restrain them from Vice, to support their Virtue, and retain them in the Practice of it till it becomes ''habitual''''', which is the great Point for its Security; And perhaps you are indebted to her originally that is to your Religious Education, for the Habits of Virtue upon which you now justly value yourself. You might easily display your excellent Talents of reasoning on a less hazardous Subject, and thereby obtain Rank with our most distinguish'd Authors. For among us, it is not necessary, as among the Hottentots that a Youth to be receiv'd into the Company of Men, should prove his Manhood by beating his Mother. '''I would advise you therefore not to attempt unchaining the Tyger, but to burn this Piece before it is seen by any other Person''', whereby you will save yourself a great deal of Mortification from the Enemies it may raise against you, and perhaps a good deal of Regret and Repentance. '''If Men are so wicked as we now see them with Religion what would they be if without it?''' ** [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=473 Letter to unknown recipient (13 December 1757)]. The letter was published as early as 1817 (William Temple Franklin, ''The Works of Benjamin Franklin'', volume VI, pp. 243-244). In 1833 William Wisner ("Don't Unchain the Tiger," American Tract Society, 1833) identified the recipient as probably [[Thomas Paine]], which was echoed by Jared Sparks in his 1840 edition of Franklin's works (volume x, p. 281). (Presumably it would have been directed against ''[[w:The Age of Reason|The Age of Reason]]'', his [[Deism|deistic]] work which criticized orthodox Christianity.) Calvin Blanchard responded to Wisner's tract in ''The Life of Thomas Paine'' (1860), pp. 73-74, by noting that Franklin died in 1790, while Paine did not begin writing ''The Age of Reason'' until 1793, and incorrectly concluded that the letter did not exist. Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, included it in ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions'' (1989), on p. 28. Moncure Daniel Conway pointed out (''The Life of Thomas Paine'', 1892, vol I, p. vii) that the recipient could not be Thomas Paine, in that he, unlike Paine, denied a "particular providence". The intended recipient remains unidentified. ** Parts of the above have also been rearranged and paraphrased: *** I would advise you not to attempt Unchaining The Tiger, but to burn this piece before it is seen by any other person. *** '''If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be if without it?''' *** If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be Without it? Think how many inconsiderate and inexperienced youth of both sexes there are, who have need of the motives of religion to restrain them from vice, to support their virtue, and retain them in the practice of it till it becomes habitual. * That Being, who gave me existence, and through almost threescore years has been continually showering his favors upon me, whose very chastisements have been blessings to me ; can I doubt that he loves me? And, if he loves me, can I doubt that he will go on to take care of me, not only here but hereafter? This to some may seem presumption ; to me it appears the best grounded hope ; hope of the future built on experience of the past. ** Letter to George Whitefield (19 June 1764), published in ''The Works of Benjamin Franklin'' (1856)[[File:1776ContinentalCoinEngraving.jpg|thumb|Idleness and pride tax with a heavier hand than kings and parliaments. If we can get rid of the former, we may easily bear the latter.]] * '''Idleness and Pride Tax with a heavier Hand than Kings and Parliaments;''' If we can get rid of the former we may easily bear the Latter. ** Letter to Charles Thomson, 11 July 1765; also quoted in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). The last sentence is sometimes misquoted as "If we can get rid of the former, we can get rid of the latter". * But your Squabbles about a Bishop I wish to see speedily ended. ... Each Party abuses the other, the Profane and the Infidel believe both sides, and enjoy the Fray; the Reputation of Religion in general suffers, and its enemies are ready to say, not what was said in the primitive Times, ''Behold how these Christians love one another'', but, ''Mark how these Christians {{Smallcaps|hate}} one another!'' Indeed when religious People quarrel about Religion, or hungry People about their Victuals, it looks as if they had not much of either among them. ** [http://www.franklinpapers.org/franklin/framedVolumes.jsp?vol=16&page=050a Letter to Jane Mecom, 23 February 1769] * Here Skugg lies snug<br>As a bug in a rug. ** Letter to Miss Georgiana Shipley (September, 1772); reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) * In 200 years will people remember us as traitors or heros? That is the question we must ask. ** Letter to Thomas Jefferson (March 16th, 1775) * You and I were long friends: you are now my enemy, and I am yours. ** Letter to William Strahan (5 July 1775); reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)[[File:Port wine.jpg|thumb|We hear of the conversion of water into wine at the [[w:Marriage_at_Cana|marriage in Cana]] as of a [[miracle]]. But this conversion is, through the goodness of God, made every day before our eyes. Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us [[happy]].]] * '''We hear of the conversion of water into wine at the [[w:Marriage_at_Cana|marriage in Cana]] as of a miracle. But this conversion is, through the goodness of God, made every day before our eyes. Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.''' The miracle in question was only performed to hasten the operation, under circumstances of present necessity, which required it. ** [http://www.infomotions.com/etexts/literature/american/1700-1799/franklin-paris-247.txt Letter] to [[w:Andr%C3%A9_Morellet|Abbé Morellet]] (1779) * Here you would know and enjoy what posterity will say of Washington. For a thousand leagues have nearly the same effect with a thousand years. ** Letter to Washington (5 March 1780); reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) *'''All [[Wars]] are [[Follies]], very expensive & very mischievous ones.''' When will Mankind be convinc’d of this, and agree to settle their Differences by [[Arbitration]]? Were they to do it even by the [[Chance|Cast of a Dye]], it would be better than by Fighting & destroying each other. **[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-39-02-0028 Letter to Mary Hewson (27 January 1783)] * '''There never was a good war or a bad peace.''' ** Letter to Josiah Quincy (11 September 1783) *All [[Property]] indeed, except the Savage's temporary Cabin, his Bow, his Matchcoat, and other little Acquisitions absolutely necessary for his Subsistence, seems to me to be the Creature of publick Convention. '''Hence the Public has the Right of Regulating Descents & all other Conveyances of Property, and even of limiting the Quantity & the Uses of it.''' All the Property that is necessary to a Man for the Conservation of the Individual & the Propagation of the Species, is his natural Right which none can justly deprive him of: But all Property of the Publick, who by their Laws have created it, and who may therefore by other Laws dispose of it, whenever the Welfare of the Publick shall demand such Disposition. He that does not like civil Society on these Terms, let him retire & live among Savages. — He can have no right to the Benefits of Society who will not pay his Club towards the Support of it. ** [http://www.franklinpapers.org/franklin/framedVolumes.jsp Letter] to Robert Morris (25 December 1783) *I wish the [[w:bald_eagle|Bald Eagle]] had not been chosen as the representative of our country; he is a bird of bad moral character; like those among men who live by sharping and robbing, he is generally poor, and often very lousy. The [[Turkeys|turkey]] is a much more respectable bird. **letter to Sarah Bache (26 January 1784) * Let me add, that '''only a virtuous people are capable of freedom.''' As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters. ** letter to the Abbés Chalut and Arnaud (17 April 1787) * Remember me affectionately to good [[Richard Price|Dr. Price]] and to the honest heretic [[Joseph Priestley|Dr. Priestly]]. I do not call him honest by way of distinction; for '''I think all the heretics I have known have been virtuous men.''' They have the virtue of fortitude or they would not venture to own their heresy; and they cannot afford to be deficient in any of the other virtues, as that would give advantage to their many enemies; and they have not like orthodox sinners, such a number of friends to excuse or justify them. '''Do not, however, mistake me. It is not to my good friend's heresy that I impute his honesty. On the contrary, 'tis his honesty that has brought upon him the character of heretic.''' ** [http://www.2think.org/priestly.shtml Letter to Benjamin Vaughan] (24 October 1788) * That '''it is better 100 guilty Persons should escape than that one innocent Person should suffer''', is a maxim that has been long and generally approved; never, that I know of, controverted. **[https://books.google.de/books?id=d3UPAAAAQAAJ&pg=PA166&dq=maxim Letter to Benjamin Vaughan], on [[w:Blackstone's formulation|Blackstone's Ratio]] (14 March 1785) * Our new [[Constitution of the United States|Constitution]] is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but '''in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except [[death]] and [[taxes]]!''' ** Letter to [[w:fr:Jean-Baptiste Le Roy|Jean-Baptiste Le Roy]] (13 November 1789), quoting a popular phrase dated back to the 1716 play ''The Cobbler of Preston'', written by {{w|Christopher Bullock (actor)|Christopher Bullock}}. {{cite web |url=https://www.mentalfloss.com/history/famous-quotes-everyone-misattributes |title=12 Famous Quotes Everyone Misattributes |first=Paul Anthony |last=Jones |date=2025-11-10 |accessdate=2025-11-14 |publisher={{w|Mental Floss}}}} ** First published in ''The Private Correspondence of Benjamin Franklin'' (1817) [https://books.google.de/books?id=jY8EAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA266&dq=constitution p.266] ***''The Yale Book of Quotations'' quotes “‘Tis impossible to be sure of any thing but Death and Taxes,” from Christopher Bullock, The Cobler of Preston (1716). The YBQ also quotes “Death and Taxes, they are certain,” from Edward Ward, The Dancing Devils (1724). == Attributed == [[File:Benjamin_Franklin_-_Join_or_Die.jpg|right|thumb|We must, indeed, all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.]] <small>''Attributed: Quotes found in a ''reputable'' secondary source but not sourced to an original work. Read more at [[Wikiquote:Sourced and Unsourced sections]].''</small> * '''We must, indeed, all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.''' ** Statement at the signing of the [[wikipedia:Declaration of Independence (United States)|Declaration of Independence]] (1776-07-04), quoted as an anecdote in ''The Works of Benjamin Franklin'' by Jared Sparks (1840). However, this had earlier been attributed to [[wikipedia:Richard Penn (governor)|Richard Penn]] in ''Memoirs of a Life, Chiefly Passed in Pennsylvania, Within the Last Sixty Years'' (1811, [http://books.google.com/books?id=TwYFAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA116&vq=%22hang+together%22 p. 116]). In 1801, "If we don't hang together, by Heavens we shall hang separately" appears in the English play ''Life'' by Frederick Reynolds (''Life'', Frederick Reynolds, in a collection by Mrs Inchbald, 1811, [http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=egsLAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA176 Google Books] first published in 1801 [http://www.lib.muohio.edu/multifacet/record/mu3ugb2568779]), and the remark was later attributed to 'An American General' by Reynolds in his 1826 memoir [http://books.google.com/books?id=_MQEAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA358&dq=general's p.358]. A comparable pun on "hang alone … hang together" appears in Dryden's 1717 ''The Spanish Fryar'' [http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=PgoOAAAAQAAJ&pg=PT19 Google Books]. The pun also appears in an April 14, 1776 letter from [[wikipedia:Carter Braxton|Carter Braxton]] to Landon Carter,[http://books.google.com/books?id=7TMSAAAAYAAJ Letters of Members of the Continental Congress, Vol.1 (1921)], p.421, as "a true saying of a Wit — We must hang together or separately." * What is the good of a newborn baby? ** Widely attributed response to a questioner doubting the usefulness of hot air balloons. See Seymor L. Chapin, "A Legendary Bon Mot?: Franklin's 'What is the Good of a Newborn Baby?'", ''Proceedings of the American Philosophical Society'', '''129''':3 (September 1985), pp. 278–290. Chapin argues (pp. 286–287) that the "evidence overwhelmingly suggests that he said something rather different" and that the attributed quotation is "a probably much older adage". * '''''Every man'' of the commonalty''' (excepting [[Infant|infants]], [[Insanity|insane persons]], and [[Crime|criminals]]) '''is, of common right, and by the laws of God, ''a freeman'', and entitled to the free enjoyment of ''liberty''.''' ...[[liberty]] or [[freedom]] consists in having an actual share in the appointment of those who are to frame the laws and who are to be the guardians of every man's [[life]], [[property]], and [[peace]]. For '''the all of one man is as dear to him as the all of another; and the poor man has an equal right, but more need to have representatives in the [[Legislature]] than the rich one. ...they who have no voice or vote in the electing of representatives, do not enjoy liberty, but are absolutely enslaved to those who have votes and their representatives'''; for to be enslaved is to have governors whom other men have set over us, and to be subject to laws made by the representatives of others, without having had representatives of our own to give consent in our behalf. ** "Some Good Whig Principles. Declaration of those Rights of the Community of Great Britain, without which they cannot be Free," as quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=jmMFAAAAQAAJ Memoirs of the Llife and Writings of Benjamin Franklin]'' (1818) by Benjamin Franklin and William Temple Franklin<!--p.186--> *Fish and visitors stink in three days. **[http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2015/03/ben-franklins-best-epigrams/ Adapted 16th century writer John Lyly's line] found in ''Euphues – the Anatomy of Wit'': Fish and guests in three days are stale. *Today a man owns a jackass worth fifty dollars and he is entitled to vote; but before the next election the jackass dies. The man in the mean time has become more experienced, his knowledge of the principles of government, and his acquaintance with mankind, are more extensive, and he is therefore better qualified to make a proper selection of rulers -- but the jackass is dead and the man cannot vote. Now gentlemen, pray inform me, in whom is the right of suffrage? In the man or in the jackass? **[https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q5148273 Colonial Advocate], [https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=DQNrXyjhriIC&dat=18271227&printsec=frontpage&hl=en article on "Elective Franchise" in the issue of December 27, 1827] * A [[republic]], if you can keep it. ** [[James McHenry]] [https://blogs.loc.gov/teachers/files/2016/09/McHenry-Note.jpg diary entry on September 18,1787], the day after the signing of the [[United States Constitution]]: "A lady asked Dr. Franklin Well Doctor what we got a republic or a monarchy — A republic replied the Doctor if you can keep it." *** {{misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == <small>''Misattributed: Quotes widely associated with an author or work but sourced to another author or work. Read more at [[Wikiquote:Sourced and Unsourced sections]].''</small> * [[Rebellion]] to tyrants is [[obedience]] to God. ** Benjamin Franklin proposed this as the motto on the Great Seal of the United States [http://www.greatseal.com/committees/firstcomm/reverse.html]. It is often falsely attributed to [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]] because he endorsed the motto. See also [[John Bradshaw (judge)|John Bradshaw]] and [[Simon Bradstreet]] * Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I may remember. Involve me and I learn. ** There is no evidence that Franklin said this. It is believed to originate instead from a passage in the ''[[w:Xunzi (book)|Xunzi]]''. **:Not having heard of it is not as good as having heard of it.<br/>Having heard of it is not as good as having seen it.<br/>Having seen it is not as good as knowing it.<br/>Knowing it is not as good as putting it into practice.<br/>'''Learning arrives at putting it into practice''' and then stops. ** A similar shortened form was published in 1953 as a "Chinese adage." — [tps://quoteinvestigator.com/2019/02/27/tell/ "Quote Origin: Tell Me and I Forget"], ''Quote Investigator'' (February 27, 2019) * When the people find that they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic. ** There is no evidence that Franklin ever actually said or wrote this, but it's remarkably similar a quote often attributed, without proper sourcing, to [[Alexis de Tocqueville]] and [[Alexander Fraser Tytler]]: ::A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the majority discovers it can vote itself largess out of the public treasury. After that, the majority always votes for the candidate promising the most benefits with the result the democracy collapses because of the loose fiscal policy ensuing, always to be followed by a dictatorship, then a monarchy. * Libraries ... will be the best security for maintaining our liberties. '''A nation of well-informed men, who have been taught to know and prize the rights which God has given them, cannot be enslaved.''' It is in the regions of ignorance that tyranny reigns. ** Written by Henry Stuber as part of a biographical sketch of Franklin appended to a 1793 edition of Franklin's autobiography and sometimes reprinted with it in the 19th century. It is frequently misattributed to Franklin himself. * Treason is a charge invented by winners as an excuse for hanging the losers. ** This is actually from the musical play ''[[w:1776 (musical)|1776]]'' (1969) by [[w:Sherman Edwards|Sherman Edwards]] and [[w:Peter Stone|Peter Stone]], in which Franklin is ''portrayed'' as saying this. * [Freedom is] not a gift bestowed upon us by other men, but a right that belongs to us by the laws of God and nature. ** This is actually from an essay "On Government No. I" that appeared in Franklin's paper, ''The Pennsylvania Gazette'', on 1 April 1736. The author was John Webbe. He wrote about the privileges enjoyed under British rule, ::'''Thank God! we are in the full enjoyment of all these privileges. But can we be taught to prize them too much? or how can we prize them equal to their value, if we do not know their intrinsic worth, and that they are not a gift bestowed upon us by other men, but ''a right that belongs to us by the laws of God and nature?''''' * Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote. ** Widely attributed to Franklin on the Internet, sometimes without the second sentence. It is not found in any of his known writings, and the word "lunch" is not known to have appeared anywhere in English literature until the 1820s, decades after his death. The phrasing itself has a very modern tone and the second sentence especially might not even be as old as the internet. Some of these observations are made in response to a query at Google Answers. [http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=389308] <br> The earliest known similar statements are: *** '''A democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.''' **** Gary Strand, Usenet group sci.environment, 23 April 1990. [http://groups.google.com/group/sci.environment/msg/057b1c6389f4776f?dmode=source] *** Democracy is not freedom. '''Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to eat for lunch.''' Freedom comes from the recognition of certain rights which may not be taken, not even by a 99% vote. **** Marvin Simkin, "Individual Rights", ''Los Angeles Times'', 12 January 1992. [http://articles.latimes.com/1992-01-12/local/me-358_1_jail-tax-individual-rights-san-diego] *** '''Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.''' **** [[James Bovard]], ''Lost Rights: The Destruction of American Liberty'' (1994), <small>{{ISBN|0312123337}}</small>, p. 333. **** Also cited as by Bovard in the [http://www.giraffe.com/gr_wolves.html ''Sacramento Bee'' (1994)]<!-- unverified citation in a blog --> <!-- This reinforces my own impressions on the saying, because I personally recall starting to hear this or similar statements years before hearing anything resembling the additional "Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." ~ Kalki 2006·05·03 --> * [[Lighthouses]] are more useful than [[churches]]. ** Also quoted as “Lighthouses are more helpful than churches” or “A lighthouse is more useful than a church.” Although not by Franklin in this form, it may be intended as a paraphrase of something he wrote to his wife on 17 July 1757, given in a footnote on page 133 of ''Memoirs of the Life and Writings of Benjamin Franklin'' (1818). After describing a narrow escape from shipwreck he added: *** The bell ringing for church, we went thither immediately, and with hearts full of gratitude, returned sincere thanks to God for the mercies we had received: were I a Roman Catholic, perhaps I should on this occasion vow to build a chapel to some saint, but as I am not, if I were to vow at all, it should be to build a ''light-house''. * God made beer because he loves us and wants us to be happy. **The quote, and its many variants, has been widely attributed to Franklin; however, there has never been an authoritative source for the quote, and [http://64.233.187.104/search?q=cache:4EV3RmSwk04J:listserv.dom.edu/cgi-bin/wa.exe%3FA2%3Dind0507%26L%3Dstumpers-l%26O%3DD%26P%3D31953+abbe+morellet+franklin+wine&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=3 research] indicates that it is very likely a misquotation of Franklin's words regarding wine: "Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy." (see [[Benjamin_Franklin#Sourced|sourced]] section above for a more extensive quotation of this passage from a letter to [[w:Andr%C3%A9_Morellet|André Morellet]]), written in 1779. * The colonies would gladly have borne the little tax on tea and other matters had it not been that England took away from the colonies their money, which created unemployment and dissatisfaction. The inability of colonists to get power to issue their own money permanently out of the hands of George the III and the international bankers was the PRIME reason for the Revolutionary War. ** Widely quoted statement on the reasons for the [[w:American War of Independence|American War of Independence]] sometimes cited as being from Franklin's autobiography, but this statement was never in any edition. ** Variant: The colonies would gladly have borne the little tax on tea and other matters had it not been that England and the Rothschild's Bank took away from the colonies their money which created unemployment, dissatisfaction and debt. ** Variants from various small publications from the 1940s: *** The refusal of King George to allow the colonies to operate an honest money system, which freed the ordinary man from clutches of the money manipulators was probably the prime cause of the revolution. *** The refusal of King George to allow the Colonies to operate on an honest Colonial system, which freed the ordinary man from the clutches of the money manipulators, was probably the prime cause of the revolution. *** The refusal of King George to allow the colonies to operate on an honest, colonial money system, which freed the ordinary man from the clutches of the money manipulators, was probably the prime cause of the revolution. ** Some of the statement might be derived from those made during his examination by the British Parliament in February 1766, published in "The Examination of Benjamin Franklin" in ''The Parliamentary History of England from the Earliest Period to the Year 1803‎'' (1813); when questioned why Parliament had lost respect among the people of the Colonies, he answered: "To a concurrence of causes: the restraints lately laid on their trade, by which the bringing of foreign gold and silver into the Colonies was prevented; '''the prohibition of making paper money among themselves''', and then demanding a new and heavy tax by stamps; taking away, at the same time, trials by juries, and refusing to receive and hear their humble petitions". * In the Colonies we issue our own money. It is called [[w:Colonial Scrip|Colonial Scrip]]. We issue it in proper proportion to the demands of trade and industry to make the products pass easily from the producers to the consumers. In this manner, creating for ourselves our own paper money, we control its purchasing power, and we have no interest to pay no one. ** Quoted in ''Money and Men'' by Robert McCann Rice (1941) but no prior source is extant. * A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle. ** This seems to have been first attributed to Franklin in ''The New Age Magazine'' Vol. 66 (1958), and the earliest appearance of it yet located is in ''Coronet'' magazine, Vol. 34 (1953), p. 27, where it was attributed to a Louise Stein; it thus seems likely to have been derived from an earlier statement of [[Harry Emerson Fosdick]], ''On Being a Real Person'' (1943) : "At very best, a person wrapped up in himself makes a small package". * The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ** Misattributed to various people, including Albert Einstein and Mark Twain. An early occurrence was used as a teaching reference at University of California, Irvine in social science lectures in the later 1960s. Also found in a 1981 text from [[Narcotics Anonymous]]. :* An earlier version from 1975, spoken during a public talk by Osho: :* "The mind is always asking you to do something over again, something you have already done so many times before. And every time you see that by doing it nothing is achieved. What else can madness be?" :* And later in the same talk: :* "To be mad is to keep repeating something that has already been seen as useless, as worthless". :* [http://www.osho.com/iosho/library/read-book/online-library-madness-the-mind-boat-72f54196-4bd?p=e5b9167da297bc7f040981797b452ac0&sri=793e4862acfa3cc788383894f711a242 Osho, <i>The Great Secret,</i> Chapter #10] :* 1975 * Each man has two countries, I think: His own, and France. ** [[w:Henri de Bornier|Henri de Bornier]], ''La Fille de Roland'', act III, scene ii, p. 65 (1875): ''"Tout homme a deux pays, le sien et puis la France!"'' ** Also misattributed to [[Thomas Jefferson]] in 1880 [http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?res=940CE2DB143FEE3ABC4151DFB166838B699FDE] * Your argument is sound, nothing but sound. ** Anonymous quip quoted in an essay in ''Logic, an Introduction'' (1950) by Lionel Ruby. A Benjamin Franklin quote immediately follows, so this statement was misattributed to Franklin. * To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. ** This has been widely attributed to Franklin since the 1940s, but is not found in any of his works. The language is not Franklin's, nor that of his time. It does paraphrase a portion of something he wrote in 1732 under the name Alice Addertongue: *** '''If I have never heard Ill of some Person, I always impute it to defective Intelligence; ''for there are none without their Faults, no, not one.'' '''If she be a Woman, I take the first Opportunity to let all her Acquaintance know I have heard that one of the handsomest or best Men in Town has said something in Praise either of her Beauty, her Wit, her Virtue, or her good Management. '''If you know any thing of Humane Nature, you perceive that this naturally introduces a Conversation turning upon all her Failings, past, present, and to come.''' * We do not quit playing because we grow old, we grow old because we quit playing. ** This is an anonymous modern quip which is a variant of a statement by [[w:G. Stanley Hall|G. Stanley Hall]], in ''Adolescence: Its Psychology and Its Relations to Physiology, Anthropology, Sociology, Sex, Crime, Religion and Education'' (1904): :: '''Men grow old because they stop playing, and not conversely'''. * I fully agreed with Gen. [[George Washington|Washington]] that we must safeguard this young nation, as yet in its swaddling clothes, from the insidious influence and impenetration of the Roman Catholic Church which pauperizes and degrades all countries and people over whom it holds sway. ** Claimed by American Fascist William Dudley Pelley in ''Liberation'' (February 3, 1934) to have appeared in notes taken at the Constitutional Convention by Charles Cotesworth Pinckney; reported as debunked in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 28, noting that historian [[Charles A. Beard]] conducted a thorough investigation of the attribution and found it to be false. * There is a great danger for the United States of America. This great danger is the Jew.… ** Claimed by American Fascist William Dudley Pelley in ''Liberation'' (February 3, 1934) to have appeared in notes taken at the Constitutional Convention by Charles Cotesworth Pinckney; reported as debunked in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 26-27, noting that historian [[Charles A. Beard]] conducted a thorough investigation of the attribution and found it to be false. The quote appears in no source prior to Pelley's publication, contains anachronisms, and contradicts Franklin's own financial support of the construction of a synagogue in Philadelphia. Many variations of the above have been made, including adding to "the Christian religion" the phrase "upon which this nation was founded, by objecting to its restrictions"; adding to "strangle that country to death financially" the phrase "as in the case of Spain and Portugal". See Michael Feldberg, "The Myth of Ben Franklin's Anti-Semitism, in ''Blessings of Freedom: Chapters in American Jewish History'' (2003), p. 134 * Our limited perspective, our hopes and fears become our measure of life, and when circumstances don't fit our ideas, they become our difficulties. ** Attributed in [[w:Jack Kornfield|Jack Kornfield]], ''A Path with Heart'' (1993) and popularized in [[Richard Carlson]]'s bestselling ''Don't sweat the Small Stuff'' (1997). The phrasing is anachronistic and no earlier connection to Franklin is known.<!-- The lead phrase, "Our limited perspective," was widely used in the late 20th century but has only two GoogleBooks hits from the 19th century and none prior. --> * Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do. ** Attributed in various post-2000 works, but actually [[w:Dale Carnegie|Dale Carnegie]] in ''[[w:How to Win Friends and Influence People|How to Win Friends and Influence People]]'' [http://books.google.com/books?id=yxfJDVXClucC&pg=PA14&dq=fool p.14], published in 1936. (N.B. Carnegie is quoting Franklin immediately prior to writing this, so attribution could be due to a printing error in some edition). * He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged. ** Franklin himself calls this an "old maxim" when he repeats it at [http://www.ushistory.org/franklin/autobiography/page48.htm page 48] of his autobiography. ** Franklin's recognition of this effect caused it to be named after him. Wikipedia, ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect Ben Franklin Effect]''. *Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. ** According to a [http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=278 Snopes message board], the earliest known reference dates to the late 1990s. * If we fail to prepare, we prepare to fail. ** Fail to prepare; prepare to fail. ** By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. *** Attributed to Franklin in Julita Agustin-Israel, ''Lakas ng Loob'', 1996, [https://books.google.com/books?id=2Z59AAAAMAAJ&q=prepare p. 53]; there is no evidence that he coined any forms of this quote. * Politics is the art of the possible. ** Franklin says this line in the HBO miniseries ''[[w:John_Adams_(miniseries)|John Adams]]'', but it is actually a quote of [[Otto von Bismarck]]. {{misattributed end}} == Quotes about Franklin== [[File:Obverse_of_the_series_2009_$100_Federal_Reserve_Note.jpg|thumb|The prime exponent of [[w:paper money|paper money]] in those years was Benjamin Franklin. He thought it a good and useful thing, and his advocacy had an intensely practical touch. He printed money for the colonial governments on his own printing press. ~ [[w:John Kenneth Galbraith|John Kenneth Galbraith]]]] [[File:West - Benjamin Franklin Drawing Electricity from the Sky (ca 1816).jpg|thumb|right|He seized the lightning from Heaven and the scepter from the Tyrants. ~ [[Anne Robert Jacques Turgot, Baron de Laune|Turgot]] ]] [[File:BEP-JONES-Franklin_and_Electricity.jpg|thumb|Franklin was the first scientist to propose that the identity of lightning and electricity could be proved experimentally, but he was not the first to suggest that identity, nor even the first to perform the experiment. ~ [[Joseph Priestley]]]] * I congratulate you, as the friend of America, I trust, as not the enemy of England, I am sure, as the friend of mankind. ** [[Edmund Burke]] to Benjamin Franklin (February 28, 1782), quoted in William Temple Franklin, ''The Private Correspondence of Benjamin Franklin, LL.D. F.R.S. &c. Minister Plenipotentiary from the United States of America at the Court of France, and For the Treaty of Peace and Independence with Great Britain, &c. &c. Comprising a Series of Letters on Miscellaneous, Literary, and Political Subjects: Written Between the Years 1753 and 1790; Illustrating the Memoirs of his Public and Private Life, and Developing the Secret History of his Political Transactions and Negociations'' (1817), p. 285 * [[Edmund Burke|Mr. Burke]] then, to Miss Shipley's great delight, burst forth into an eulogy of the abilities and character of Dr. Franklin, which he mingled with a history the most striking, yet simple, of his life; and a veneration the most profound for his eminence in science, and his liberal sentiments and skill in politics. ** [[Frances Burney]] to [[w:Samuel Crisp|Samuel Crisp]] (June 1782), quoted in Madame D'Arblay, ''Memoirs of Doctor Burney, Vol. II'' (1832), p. 230 * The year was 1748, the place was [[Philadelphia]], and the book was [[w:The Instructor|The Instructor]], a popular British manual for everything from arithmetic to letter-writing to caring for [[horses]]’ hooves. Benjamin Franklin had set himself to adapting it for the American colonies. <br> Though Franklin already had a long and successful career by this point, he needed to find a way to convince colonial book-buyers—who for the most part didn’t even formally study arithmetic—that his version of [[w:George Fisher|George Fisher]]’s textbook was worth the investment. Franklin made all sorts of changes throughout the book, from place names to inserting colonial histories, but he made one really big change: adding [[w:John Tennet|John Tennent]]’s [[w:The Poor Planter’s Physician|The Poor Planter’s Physician]] to the end. Tennent was a [[Virginia]] doctor whose medical pamphlet had first appeared in 1734. By appending it to The Instructor (replacing a treatise on farriery) Franklin hoped to distinguish the book from its [[London]] ancestor. Franklin advertised that his edition was “the whole better adapted to [[w:Thirteen_Colonies|these American Colonies]], than any other book of the like kind.” In the preface he goes on to specifically mention his swapping out of sections, insisting that “in the British Edition of this Book, there were many Things of little or no Use in these Parts of the World: In this Edition those Things are omitted, and in their Room many other Matters inserted, more immediately useful to us Americans.” One of those useful “Matters” was a how-to on at-home abortion, made available to anyone who wanted a book that could teach the ABCs and 123s. ** Molly Farrell, [https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2022/05/ben-franklin-american-instructor-textbook-abortion-recipe.html ”Ben Franklin Put an Abortion Recipe in His Math Textbook”], ''Slate'', (May 05, 2022) * The monetary experiments of Pennsylvania and its neighbors were by no means an unconsidered reaction to circumstance. They were extensively debated and had the energetic support of Benjamin Franklin, the most intelligent political man in the colonies and an ardent exponent of [[w:Paper_money|paper money]]. In 1729 he published his ''A Modest Enquiry into the Nature and Necessity of Paper Currency'', a brief on behalf of paper currency... In 1736, Franklin's ''[[w:Pennsylvania Gazette|Pennsylvania Gazette]]'' printed an apology for its irregular appearance because its printer was "with the Press, labouring for the publick Good, to make Money more plentiful." The press was busy printing money. ** [[John Kenneth Galbraith]], ''[[John_Kenneth Galbraith#Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went (1975)|Money: Whence it Came, Where it Went]]'' (1975) Ch. V, Of Paper, p. 54 * The prime exponent of [[w:paper money|paper money]] in those years was Benjamin Franklin. He thought it a good and useful thing, and his advocacy had an intensely practical touch. He printed money for the colonial governments on his own [[w:Printing_press|printing press]]. ** [[John Kenneth Galbraith]], ''[[w:The Age of Uncertainty|The Age of Uncertainty]]'' (1977) Chapter 6, p. 180 * America has sent us many good things, [[gold]], [[silver]], sugar, [[tobacco]]; but you are the first [[Philosophy|philosopher]] for whom we are beholden to her. It is our own fault that we have not kept him; whence it appears that we do not agree with [[Solomon]], that wisdom is above gold; for we take good care never to send back an ounce of the latter, which we once lay our fingers upon. ** [[David Hume]], as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=TwcOAAAAIAAJ ''The Eve of the Revolution''] by [[Carl L. Becker]] (1918) * On being presented to any one as the Minister of America, the common-place question, used in such cases, was ‘c’est vous, Monsieur, qui remplace le Docteur Franklin?’ ‘It is you, Sir, who replace Doctor Franklin?’ I generally answered ‘no one can ''replace'' him, Sir; I am only his successor.’ ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-19-02-0005-0009 letter] to the Rev. William Smith (February 19, 1791) * They had previously spent time living in Barbados, where nine in ten people were enslaved on vast sugar plantations and were subjected to barbaric torture; the horrors they witnessed and close relationships they formed with enslaved people there hardened [[Benjamin Lay]]'s resolve to fight for abolition. As Franklin once put it, "Sugar was made with blood." ** [[Kim Kelly (journalist)|Kim Kelly]], ''Fight Like Hell: The Untold History of American Labor'' (2022) * While new American leaders such as George Washington, Patrick Henry, and Benjamin Franklin studied the Haudenosaunee government, they also engaged in land speculation over territory held by these peoples, and Mohawk lands were ceded through force, coercion, and deceit until fewer than 14,600 acres remained in New York State. ** [[Winona LaDuke]] ''All Our Relations: Native Struggles for Land and Life'' (1999) * ''Francklin repéta plus d’une fois à ses éleves de Paris, que celui qui transporterait dans l’état politique les principes du christianismê primitif, changerait la face de la société. Egalité absolue des conditions, communauté des biens, République de pauvres et de frères, association sans Gouvernement, enthousiasme pour les dogmes et soumission à des chefs électifs, choisis entre des Pairs; voilà sans doute à quoi le presbytérien de Philadelphie réduisait la religion chrétienne…'' ** '''Franklin often told his disciples in [[Paris]], that whoever would introduce the principles of [[Early Christianity|primitive Christianity]], into the political [[state]], would change the whole order of [[society]]. An absolute [[equality]] of condition; a community of goods; a Republic of the poor and of brethren; associations without a Government; enthusiasm for dogmas, and submission to chiefs to be elected from their equals,—this is the state to which the Presbyterian of Philadelphia reduced the Christian Religion. *** [[w:Jacques Mallet du Pan|Jacques François Mallet du Pan]] (born 1749) in ''Considérations sur la nature de la Révolution de France',' 1793 edition, [http://books.google.com/books?id=gmIVAAAAQAAJ&pg=PA22 p.22 at Google Books]. *** French historian Henri Martin first turned part of this into a direct quotation of Franklin's, at the same time changing "la face de la société" (the face of society) into “la face du monde” (the face of the world) in ''Histoire de France depuis les temps les plus reculés jusqu'en 1789'', volume 16 (1862), p. 489. A contemporary English translation of the passage reads, "A royalist publicist, Mallet-Dupan, has preserved for us a great saying, which Franklin, he says, repeated more than once to his pupils at Paris: ‘'''He who shall carry into politics the principles of primitive Christianity will change the face of the world.'''’" George Bancroft (''History of the United States'', 1866) translated the saying as Henri Martin gave it in the form "'''He who shall introduce into public affairs the principles of primitive Christianity will change the face of the world'''," likewise attributing it to Franklin. In this wording it has often been quoted as Franklin's since. The date of March 1778 sometimes given with it appears to have been taken from Bancroft's margin. * The genius which has freed America and poured a flood of light over Europe has returned to the bosom of the Divinity. ** [[Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau|Mirabeau]], as quoted in [https://archive.org/details/americanliterat00nichgoog/page/n76/mode/2up ''American Literature: An Historical Sketch, 1620–1880''] by [[John Nichol (biographer)|John Nichol]] (1882), p. 62 * Franklin is a good type of our American manhood. Although not the wealthiest or the most powerful, he is undoubtedly, in the versatility of his genius and achievements, the greatest of our self-made men. The simple yet graphic story in the Autobiography of his steady rise from humble boyhood in a tallow-chandler shop, by industry, economy, and perseverance in self-improvement, to eminence, is the most remarkable of all the remarkable histories of our self-made men. It is in itself a wonderful illustration of the results possible to be attained in a land of unequaled opportunity by following Franklin's maxims. ** Frank Woodworth Pine in his introduction to the 1916 publication of ''[https://www.gutenberg.org/files/20203/20203-h/20203-h.htm'' The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin]''. Pine, F.W. (editor). Henry Holt and Company via Gutenberg Press (1916) Introduction * Franklin was the first scientist to propose that the identity of [[lightning]] and [[electricity]] could be proved experimentally, but he was not the first to suggest that identity, nor even the first to perform the experiment. ** [[Joseph Priestley]]; [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-04-02-0135 "The Kite Experiment"], ''The Pennsylvania Gazette'', October 19, 1752; also copy: The Royal Society. II. Printed in Joseph Priestley, ''The History and Present State of Electricity, with Original Experiments'' (London, 1767), pp. 179–81 * To demonstrate, in the completest manner possible, the sameness of the electric fluid with the matter of lightning, Dr. Franklin, astonishing as it must have appeared, contrived actually to bring lightning from the heavens, by means of an electrical kite, which he raised when a storm of thunder was perceived to be coming on. * Using the [[w:Leyden jar|Leyden jar]], Franklin “collected electric fire very copiously,” Priestley recounted. That “electric fire”—or electricity—could then be discharged at a later time. ** [[Joseph Priestley]]; [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Franklin/01-04-02-0135 ''The Kite Experiment''], ''The Pennsylvania Gazette'', October 19, 1752; also copy: The Royal Society. II. Printed in Joseph Priestley, ''The History and Present State of Electricity, with Original Experiments'' (London, 1767), pp. 179–81; as qtd. in [https://www.fi.edu/benjamin-franklin/kite-key-experiment “Benjamin Franklin and the Kite Experiment”], ''Franklin Institute''. *I recommend the study of Franklin to all young people; he was a real philanthropist, a wonderful man. It has been said, that it was honor enough to any one country to have produced such a man as Franklin. **[[Sydney Smith]], quoted in Lady Holland, ''A Memoir of the Reverend Sydney Smith. Volume I'' (1855), p. 353 * ''Eripuit Coelo fulmen, mox Sceptra Tyrannis.'' ** '''He seized the lightning from Heaven and the scepter from the Tyrants.''' *** [[Anne Robert Jacques Turgot]], as quoted in ''The Monthly Anthology, and Boston Review'' (November 1803 - April 1804; 1811), [https://books.google.de/books?id=Q-ERAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA167&dq=eripuit p.167]. This has also been quoted in several other variants of Latin or French expression, and been translated into English in various ways. Though it has probably incorrectly been cited as a remark of 1775, the earliest published reference to it appears to have occurred in April 1778. ** Variants: ''Eripuit fulmen coelo, mox sceptra tyrannis.'' or ''Eripuit coelo fulmen sceptrumque tyrannis.'' Also translated: He snatched lightning from the sky and scepters from tyrants. * Benjamin Franklin did a great many notable things for his country, and made her young name to be honored in many lands as the mother of such a son. It is not the idea of this memoir to ignore that or cover it up. No; the simple idea of it is to snub those pretentious maxims of his, which he worked up with a great show of originality out of truisms that had become wearisome platitudes as early as the dispersion from [[Tower of Babel|Babel]]. ** [[Mark Twain]], "The Late Benjamin Franklin", ''The Galaxy'', July 1870, <small> as reprinted in ''Essays and Sketches of Mark Twain'' (1995), ed. Stuart Miller, {{ISBN|1566198798}} </small> * A man in Philadelphia in America, bred a tradesman, remote from the learned world, had hit upon a secret which enabled him, and other men, to catch and tame the lightning, so dread that it was still mythological. ** [[Carl Van Doren]], ''Benjamin Franklin'' (1938), p. 170; about the [[w:Lightning rod|lightning rod]] * In fact, the summum bonum of his ethic, the earning of more and more money, combined with the strict avoidance of all spontaneous enjoyment of life, is above all completely devoid of any eudaemonistic, not to say hedonistic, admixture. It is thought of so purely as an end in itself, that from the point of view of the happiness of, or utility to, the single individual, it appears entirely transcendental and absolutely irrational. Man is dominated by the making of money, by acquisition as the ultimate purpose of his life. Economic acquisition is no longer subordinated to man as the means for the satisfaction of his material needs. This reversal of what we should call the natural relationship, so irrational from a naive point of view, is evidently as definitely a leading principle of [[capitalism]] as it is foreign to all peoples not under capitalistic influence. At the same time it expresses a type of feeling which is closely connected with certain religious ideas. If we thus ask, why should “money be made out of men,” Benjamin Franklin himself, although he was a colorless deist, answers in his autobiography with a quotation from [[the Bible]], which his strict [[w:Calvinism|Calvinistic]] father drummed into him again and again in his youth: “Seest thou a man diligent in his business? He shall stand before kings” (Prov. xxii. 29). The earning of money within the modern economic order is, so long as it is done legally, the result and the expression of virtue and proficiency in a calling; and this virtue and proficiency are, as it is now not difficult to see, the real [[w:Alpha_and_Omega|Alpha and Omega]] of Franklin's ethic, as expressed in the passages we have quoted, as well as in all his works without exception. ** [[Max Weber]], ''[[w:The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism|The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism]]'', [https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/weber/protestant-ethic/ch02.htm Chapter II: The Spirit of Capitalism], 1905. == See also == {{Social and political philosophers}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} {{Wikisource author}} *[https://franklinpapers.org/ The Papers of Benjamin Franklin] - Sponsored by The American Philosophical Society [https://franklinpapers.yale.edu/ and Yale University], Digital Edition by The Packard Humanities Institute. *[https://founders.archives.gov/about/Franklin The Papers of Benjamin Franklin] — The Papers of Benjamin Franklin available via [https://founders.archives.gov founders.archives.gov]. *[http://web.archive.org/web/20091130044911/http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ho/time/ar/14308.htm US State Department – Benjamin Franklin: First American Diplomat] (Internet Archive Date: 2009-11-30) * [http://www.pbs.org/benfranklin/ Ben Franklin] at PBS * [https://web.archive.org/web/20140504025637/http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/franklin/franklin.html Finding Franklin: A Resource Guide, Library of Congress] (Internet Archive Date: 2014-05-04) *Benjamin Franklin's autobiography: **[http://www.ushistory.org/franklin/autobiography/ HTML version] at [http://www.ushistory.org/franklin/ The Electric Ben Franklin] **[http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/148 Project Gutenberg edition] **[http://www.bartleby.com/1/1/ Harvard Classics edition] *''[https://web.archive.org/web/20071114143338/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bfcont.htm Poor Richard's Almanac]'' at The Library of Congress (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-14) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170651/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1733.htm 1733] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170539/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1734.htm 1734] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170619/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1735.htm 1735] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071114143338/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1736.htm 1736] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-14) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170535/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1737.htm 1737] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071114143338/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1738.htm 1738] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-14) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170603/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1739.htm 1739] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170532/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1742.htm 1742] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170640/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1753.htm 1753] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20071116170611/http://usinfo.state.gov/usa/infousa/facts/loa/bf1758.htm 1758] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-11-16) *[https://web.archive.org/web/20070713192433/http://www.poorrichardsalmanac.info/ ''Poor Richard's Almanac'' (1733-1758)] (Internet Archive Date: 2007-07-13) * [https://web.archive.org/web/20120502102128/http://www.english.udel.edu/lemay/franklin/ Benjamin Franklin: A Documentary History by J. A. Leo Lemay] (Internet Archive Date: 2012-05-02) *[https://web.archive.org/web/20080921083539/http://teachpol.tcnj.edu/amer_pol_hist/thumbnail15.html Portrait of Benjamin Franklin (PD)] (Internet Archive Date: 2008-09-21) **[https://web.archive.org/web/20080915052954/http://teachpol.tcnj.edu/amer_pol_hist/fi/0000000f.htm Large version] (Internet Archive Date: 2008-09-15) * [https://whatsappwish.com/category/quotes-by-benjamin-franklin.html Benjamin Franklin Motivational Quotes (long in-context quotes)] [http://web.archive.org/web/20080417043301/http://deb8n1.com/religion/Benjamin_Franklin/index.html Benjamin Franklin Religious Quotes (long in-context quotes)] (Internet Archive Date: 2008-04-17) * [http://www.kevinstilley.com/benjamin-franklin-quotes/ Benjamin Franklin quotes on the website of Kevin Stilley], Vice President of Finance at [[w:Criswell College|Criswell College]] *[https://web.archive.org/web/20181023232333/http://www.archives.upenn.edu/primdocs/1749proposals.html Text of Franklin's "Proposals Relating to the Education of Youth in Pensilvania, Philadelphia, 1749"] (Internet Archive Date: 2018-10-23) **[http://sceti.library.upenn.edu/sceti/printedbooksNew/index.cfm?textID=franklin_youth&PagePosition=1 Facsimile of "Proposals"] {{DEFAULTSORT:Franklin, Benjamin}} [[Category:Aphorists]] [[Category:Electrical engineers]] [[Category:Engineers from the United States]] [[Category:Founding Fathers of the United States of America]] [[Category:Governors of Pennsylvania]] [[Category:Freemasons]] [[Category:Free speech activists]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Polymaths]] [[Category:Journalists from Boston]] [[Category:Publishers from the United States]] [[Category:Editors from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Politicians from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Humorists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:1706 births]] [[Category:1790 deaths]] [[Category:Politicians from Boston]] [[Category:Articles with bare URLs]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United States]] [[Category:United States Ambassadors to France]] [[Category:United States Ambassadors to Sweden]] [[Category:Deists]] [[Category:Abolitionists]] [[Category:Whistleblowers]] [[Category:Chess players]] [[Category:Enlightenment]] [[Category:People of the American Revolution]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] <!-- interlang links --> t02o0ha5duthnutxqeegixm9gpyu6ys 0 740 3944427 3939315 2026-05-23T10:47:44Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 /* Quotes about Demosthenes */ arranging quotes about alphabetically 3944427 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Demosthenes orator Louvre.jpg|thumb|right|Every advantage in the [[past]] is [[judged]] in the [[light]] of the final issue.]] [[Image:DemosthPracticing.jpg|thumb|right| To [[strengthen]] his [[voice]], he spoke on the [[seashore]] over the roar of the [[waves]].]] '''{{w|Demosthenes}}''' (Δημοσθένης, ''Dēmosthénēs''; 384 BC – 12 October 322 BC) was a prominent Greek statesman and orator of ancient Athens, generally considered the greatest of the [[w:Attic orators|Greek orators]]. == Quotes == :<small>Greek text cited from M. R. Dilts, ''Demosthenis Orationes'', vols. I–IV (Oxford, 2002–2009).</small> ===I. [[w:Olynthiacs|''First Olynthiac'']] (349/8 BC)=== * πρὸς γὰρ τὸ τελευταῖον ἐκβὰν ἕκαστον τῶν προϋπαρξάντων κρίνεται. ** Every advantage in the past is judged in the light of the final issue. ** I.11 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/n37/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) * τὸ μὲν οὖν ἐπιτιμᾶν ἴσως φήσαι τις ἂν ῥᾴδιον καὶ παντὸς εἶναι, τὸ δ᾿ ὑπὲρ τῶν παρόντων ὅ τι δεῖ πράττειν ἀποφαίνεσθαι, τοῦτ᾿ εἶναι συμβούλου. ** To find fault, some one may say, is easy, and in every man's power; but to point out the proper course to be pursued in the present circumstances, that is the proof of a wise councellor. ** Ι.16 (tr. [https://books.google.com/books?id=Id4emt1vfvgC&pg=PA116 C. T. Ramage, 1873]) *:<small>Compare [[Plutarch]], [[Moralia|''On Listening to Lectures'']], 40e:<br>τὸ μὲν γὰρ ἀντειπεῖν οὐ χαλεπὸν ἀλλὰ καὶ πάνυ ῥᾴδιον εἰρημένῳ λόγῳ· τὸ δ᾿ ἕτερον ἀνταναστῆναι βελτίονα παντάπασιν ἐργῶδες.<br>It is a thing of no great difficulty to raise objections against another man's oration,—nay, it is a very easy matter; but to produce a better in its place is a work extremely troublesome. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/plutarchsmorals01plut/page/448/mode/2up W. W. Goodwin, 1871])</small> * δεῖ δὲ χρημάτων, καὶ ἄνευ τούτων οὐδὲν ἔστι γενέσθαι τῶν δεόντων. ** Only money we must have, and without money nothing can be done that ought to be done. ** I.20 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/16/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) * τὸ γὰρ εὖ πράττειν παρὰ τὴν ἀξίαν ἀφορμὴ τοῦ κακῶς φρονεῖν τοῖς ἀνοήτοις γίγνεται. ** For great and unexpected successes are often the cause of the foolish rushing into acts of extravagance. ** I.23 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/68/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * πολλάκις δοκεῖ τὸ φυλάξαι τἀγαθὰ τοῦ κτήσασθαι χαλεπώτερον εἶναι. ** It often proves harder to keep than to win prosperity. ** I.23 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/18/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) ===II. ''Second Olynthiac'' (349/8 BC)=== * οὐ γὰρ ἔστιν, οὐκ ἔστιν, ὦ ἄνδρες Ἀθηναῖοι, ἀδικοῦντα καὶ ἐπιορκοῦντα καὶ ψευδόμενον δύναμιν βεβαίαν κτήσασθαι. ** It is impossible, men of Athens, impossible to gain permanent power by injustice, perjury, and falsehood. ** ΙΙ.10 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/28/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) *** Alternate translation ([https://archive.org/details/bim_eighteenth-century_all-the-orations-of-demo_demosthenes_1756/page/26/mode/2up T. Leland, 1756]): *** For it is not, no, Athenians! it is not possible to found a lasting power upon injustice, perjury, and treachery. * ὥσπερ γὰρ οἰκίας, οἶμαι, καὶ πλοίου καὶ τῶν ἄλλων τῶν τοιούτων τὰ κάτωθεν ἰσχυρότατα εἶναι δεῖ, οὕτω καὶ τῶν πράξεων τὰς ἀρχὰς καὶ τὰς ὑποθέσεις ἀληθεῖς καὶ δικαίας εἶναι προσήκει. ** For a house, I take it, or a ship or anything of that sort must have its chief strength in its substructure; and so too in affairs of state the principles and the foundations must be truth and justice. ** II.10 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/28/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) * ἅπας μὲν λόγος, ἂν ἀπῇ τὰ πράγματα, μάταιόν τι φαίνεται καὶ κενόν. ** All speech is vain and empty unless it be accompanied by action. ** II.12 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/332/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * αἱ γὰρ εὐπραξίαι δειναὶ συγκρύψαι τὰ τοιαῦτα ὀνείδη. ** For success is apt to cover a multitude of faults. ** II.20 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/32/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) *:<small>Compare Demosthenes, ''Answer to Philip's Letter'' (authorship disputed), XI.13 :<br>αἱ γὰρ εὐπραξίαι δειναὶ συγκρύψαι καὶ συσκιάσαι τὰς ἁμαρτίας τῶν ἀνθρώπων εἰσίν.<br>For success has a great tendency to conceal and throw a veil over the evil deeds of men. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/68/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864])</small> * οὐκ ἔνι δ᾿ αὐτὸν ἀργοῦντα οὐδὲ τοῖς φίλοις ἐπιτάττειν ὑπὲρ αὐτοῦ τι ποιεῖν, μή τί γε δὴ τοῖς θεοῖς. ** One who is himself idle cannot possibly call upon his friends, much less upon the gods, to work for him. ** II.23 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/34/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) ===III. ''Third Olynthiac'' (349/8 BC)=== * ῥᾷστον ἁπάντων ἐστὶν αὑτὸν ἐξαπατῆσαι· ὃ γὰρ βούλεται, τοῦθ᾿ ἕκαστος καὶ οἴεται, τὰ δὲ πράγματα πολλάκις οὐχ οὕτω πέφυκεν. ** The easiest thing in the world is self-deceit; for every man believes what he wishes, though the reality is often different. ** III.19 (tr. [http://books.google.com/books?id=n4INAAAAYAAJ&q=&quot;the+easiest+thing+in+the+world+is+self-deceit+for+every+man+believes+what+he+wishes+though+the+reality+is+often+different&quot;&pg=PA57#v=onepage C. R. Kennedy, 1852]) *** Alternate translation ([https://archive.org/details/routledgediction0000unse_n1v9/page/254/mode/2up R. Andrews, 1987]): *** A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true. *:<small>Compare [[Caesar]], ''Gallic War'', III.18:<br>''fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt''.<br>People readily believe in something they want. (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/caesar-gallic_wars/2025/pb_LCL072.151.xml C. Damon, 2025])</small> * ἔστι δ᾿ οὐδέποτ᾿, οἶμαι, μέγα καὶ νεανικὸν φρόνημα λαβεῖν μικρὰ καὶ φαῦλα πράττοντας· ὁποῖ᾿ ἄττα γὰρ ἂν τὰ ἐπιτηδεύματα τῶν ἀνθρώπων ᾖ, τοιοῦτον ἀνάγκη καὶ τὸ φρόνημα ἔχειν. ** You cannot, I suppose, have a proud and chivalrous spirit if your conduct is mean and paltry; for whatever a man's actions are, such must be his spirit. ** III.32 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/60/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) ===IV. ''{{w|First Philippic}}'' (352/1 BC)=== * φύσει δ᾿ ὑπάρχει τοῖς παροῦσι τὰ τῶν ἀπόντων, καὶ τοῖς ἐθέλουσι πονεῖν καὶ κινδυνεύειν τὰ τῶν ἀμελούντων. ** It is only natural that the share of the absentees should fall to those who are present, and that of the indifferent to those who are willing to incur toil and danger. ** IV.5 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/528/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * οἱ δὲ τῶν πραγμάτων οὐ μένουσι καιροὶ τὴν ἡμετέραν βραδυτῆτα καὶ εἰρωνείαν. ** The opportunities of fortune wait not for our dilatoriness and reluctance. ** IV.37 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/90/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) * δεῖ τοὺς ὀρθῶς πολέμῳ χρωμένους οὐκ ἀκολουθεῖν τοῖς πράγμασιν, ἀλλ᾿ αὐτοὺς ἔμπροσθεν εἶναι τῶν πραγμάτων. ** Those who would wage war successfully must not wait upon events but anticipate them. ** IV.39 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/350/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * ὑμεῖς δέ, ὦ ἄνδρες Ἀθηναῖοι, πλείστην δύναμιν πάντων ἔχοντες, τριήρεις, ὁπλίτας, ἱππέας, χρημάτων πρόσοδον, τούτων μὲν μέχρι τῆς τήμερον ἡμέρας οὐδενὶ πώποτε εἰς δέον τι κέχρησθε, οὐδὲν δ᾿ ἀπολείπετε, ὥσπερ οἱ βάρβαροι πυκτεύουσιν, οὕτω πολεμεῖν Φιλίππῳ. καὶ γὰρ ἐκείνων ὁ πληγεὶς ἀεὶ τῆς πληγῆς ἔχεται, κἂν ἑτέρωσε πατάξῃ τις ἐκεῖσε ἐισὶν αἱ χεῖρες· προβάλλεσθαι δ᾿ ἢ βλέπειν ἐναντίον οὔτ᾿ οἶδεν οὔτ᾿ ἐθέλει. ** But you, Athenians, possessing unsurpassed resources—fleet, infantry, cavalry, revenues— have never to this very day employed them aright, and yet you carry on war with Philip exactly as a barbarian boxes. The barbarian, when struck, always clutches the place; hit him on the other side and there go his hands. He neither knows nor cares how to parry a blow or how to watch his adversary. ** IV.40 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/92/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) * νικῴη δ᾿ ὅ τι πᾶσιν μέλλει συνοίσειν. ** Whatever shall be to the advantage of all, may that prevail! ** IV.51 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/98/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) ===VI. ''{{w|Second Philippic}}'' (343/2 BC)=== * οὐ γὰρ ἀσφαλεῖς ταῖς πολιτείαις αἱ πρὸς τοὺς τυράννους αὗται λίαν ὁμιλίαι. ** For those close and intimate alliances with despots are never safe to free states. ** VI.21 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/66/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * ἓν δέ τι φυλακτήριον, ὃ πᾶσι μέν ἐστ᾿ ἀγαθὸν καὶ σωτήριον, μάλιστα δὲ τοῖς πλήθεσι πρὸς τοὺς τυράννους. τί οὖν ἐστι τοῦτο; ἀπιστία. ἂν ταύτην σῴζητε, οὐδὲν μὴ δεινὸν πάθητε. ** But there is one common bulwark which the instinct of sensible men possesses within itself, a good and safe one for all, but invaluable for democracies against tyrants. And what is that bulwark? It is mistrust. If you preserve it, no harm can touch you. ** VI.24 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/136/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) * βασιλεὺς γὰρ καὶ τύραννος ἅπας ἐχθρὸς ἐλευθερίᾳ καὶ νόμοις ἐνάντιος. ** For every king, every despot is the sworn foe of freedom and of law. ** VI.25 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/136/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) * οὐ φυλάξεσθ᾿ ὅπως, ἔφην, μὴ πολέμου ζητοῦντες ἀπαλλαγῆναι δεσπότην εὕρητε; ** Beware, said I, lest, seeking to be rid of war, you find a master. ** VI.25 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesiolyn0000jhvi/page/136/mode/2up J. H. Vince, 1930]) *** Alternate translation ([https://archive.org/details/fightingwordsfro0000kath/page/64/mode/2up K. Freeman, 1952]): *** Beware lest in your anxiety to avoid war you obtain a master. ===VIII. ''{{w|On the Chersonese}}'' (341 BC)=== * οὐ γὰρ ἔστιν, οὐκ ἔστι τῶν ἔξω τῆς πόλεως ἐχθρῶν κρατῆσαι, πρὶν ἂν τοὺς ἐν αὐτῇ τῇ πόλει κολάσητ᾿ ἐχθρούς. ** It is impossible, absolutely impossible, to overcome our enemies abroad, until we have subdued the enemies within our gates. ** VIII.61 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/450/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * δεῖ [. . .] τὸ βέλιστον ἀεί, μὴ τὸ ῥᾷστον ἅπαντας λέγειν. ** It behooves us all to say what is best, not what is easiest. ** VIII.72 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/348/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ===XV. [[w:On the Liberty of the Rhodians|''For the Liberty of the Rhodians'']] (351/0 BC)=== * δεῖ γὰρ τοὺς εὐτυχοῦντας περὶ τῶν ἀτυχούντων ἀεὶ φαίνεσθαι τὰ βέλτιστα βουλευομένους, ἐπειδήπερ ἄδηλον τὸ μέλλον ἅπασιν ἀνθρώποις. ** Those enjoying prosperity should always be ready to assist the unfortunate, for no one can say what the future may bring forth. ** XV.21 (tr. [https://books.google.com/books?id=Id4emt1vfvgC&pg=PA118 C. T. Ramage, 1873]) * τῶν μὲν γὰρ ἰδίων δικαίων τῶν ἐν ταῖς πολιτείαις οἱ νόμοι κοινὴν τὴν μετουσίαν ἔδοσαν καὶ ἴσην καὶ τοῖς ἀσθενέσιν καὶ τοῖς ἰσχυροῖς· τῶν δ᾿ Ἑλληνικῶν δικαίων οἱ κρατοῦντες ὁρισταὶ τοῖς ἥττοσι γίγνονται. ** For in civil society the rights of individuals, without reference to their power or weakness in the state, are determined by the laws. But in national concerns the powerful always prescribe to the weaker. ** XV.29 (tr. [https://books.google.com/books?id=Id4emt1vfvgC&pg=PA119 C. T. Ramage, 1873]) ===XVI. ''{{w|For the Megalopolitans}}'' (352 BC)=== * χαλεπὸν τὰ βέλτιστα λέγειν ἐστί. ** It is difficult always to say exactly the right thing. ** XVI.2 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/530/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ===XVIII. ''{{w|On the Crown}}'' (330 BC)=== * ἕτερον δέ, ὃ φύσει πᾶσιν ἀνθρώποις ὑπάρχει, τῶν μὲν λοιδοριῶν καὶ τῶν κατηγοριῶν ἀκούειν ἡδέως, τοῖς ἐπαινοῦσι δ᾿ αὑτοὺς ἄχθεσθαι. ** It is the natural disposition of all men to listen with pleasure to abuse and slander of their neighbour, and to hear with impatience those who utter praises of themselves. ** XVIII.3 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/72/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * εἶτ᾿, οἶμαι, συμβέβηκε τοῖς μὲν πλήθεσιν ἀντὶ τῆς πολλῆς καὶ ἀκαίρου ῥαθυμίας τὴν ἐλευθερίαν ἀπολωλεκέναι, τοῖς δὲ προεστηκόσι καὶ τἄλλα πλὴν ἑαυτοὺς οἰομένοις πωλεῖν πρώτους ἑαυτοὺς πεπρακόσιν αἰσθέσθαι. ** In the result, of course, the excessive and inopportune apathy of the common people has been punished by the loss of their independence, while their leaders, who fancied they were selling everything except themselves, discover too late that their own liberty was the first thing they sold. ** XVIII.46 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenes0002cavi/page/48/mode/2up C. A. Vince, J. H. Vince, 1926]) * ὁ γὰρ τὸ σπέρμα παρασχών, οὗτος τῶν φύντων κακῶν αἴτιος. ** For the sower of the seed is assuredly the author of the whole harvest of mischief. ** XVIII.159 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/72/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * ἣν γὰρ ὁ βέλτιστα πράττειν νομίζων καὶ ἀρίστην ἔχειν οἰόμενος οὐκ οἶδεν εἰ μενεῖ τοιαύτη μέχρι τῆς ἑσπέρας. ** The man who is in the highest state of prosperity, and who thinks his fortune most secure, knows not if it will remain unchanged till the evening. ** XVIII.252 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/74/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * ἐγὼ νομίζω τὸν μὲν εὖ παθόντα δεῖν μεμνῆσθαι πάντα τὸν χρόνον, τὸν δὲ ποιήσαντα εὐθὺς ἐπιλελῆσθαι. [. . .] τὸ δὲ τὰς ἰδίας εὐεργεσίας ὑπομιμνήσκειν καὶ λέγειν μικροῦ δεῖν ὅμοιόν ἐστι τῷ ὀνειδίζειν. ** My view is that the recipient of a benefit ought to remember it all his life, but that the benefactor ought to put it out of his mind at once. [. . .] To remind a man of the good turns you have done to him is very much like a reproach. ** XVIII.269 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenes0002cavi/page/194/mode/2up C. A. Vince, J. H. Vince, 1926]) * τί δὲ μεῖζον ἔχοι τις ἂν εἰπεῖν ἀδίκημα κατ᾿ ἀνδρὸς ῥήτορος ἢ εἰ μὴ ταὐτὰ φρονεῖ καὶ λέγει; ** What worse charge can any one bring against an orator than that his words and his sentiments do not tally? ** XVIII.282 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/orationofdemosth00demouoft/page/188/mode/2up H. Brougham, 1840]) * δύο δ᾿, ἄνδρες Ἀθηναῖοι, τὸν φύσει μέτριον πολίτην ἔχειν δεῖ (οὕτω γάρ μοι περὶ ἐμαυτοῦ λέγοντι ἀνεπιφθονώτατον εἰπεῖν), ἐν μὲν ταῖς ἐξουσίαις τὴν τοῦ γενναίου καὶ τοῦ πρωτείου τῇ πόλει προαίρεσιν διαφυλάττειν, ἐν παντὶ δὲ καιρῷ καὶ πράξει τὴν εὔνοιαν· τούτου γὰρ ἡ φύσις κυρία, τοῦ δύνασθαι δὲ καὶ ἰσχύειν ἕτερα. ** There are two traits, men of Athens, that mark the disposition of the well-meaning citizen;—that is a description I may apply to myself without offence. When in power, the constant aim of his policy should be the honour and the ascendancy of his country; and on every occasion and in all business he should preserve his loyalty. That virtue depends on his natural disposition: ability and success depend upon other considerations. ** XVIII.321 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/demosthenes0002cavi/page/226/mode/2up C. A. Vince, J. H. Vince, 1926]) ===XIX. [[w:On the False Embassy|''On the Embassy'']] (343 BC)=== * τὰ πεπραγμένα αὐτὰ βοᾷ. ** The facts speak for themselves. ** XIX.81 ([https://archive.org/details/newdictionaryoff00jone/page/172/mode/2up H. P. Jones, 1901]) *:<small>Compare [[Cicero]], ''Pro Milone'', 53:<br>''res loquitur ipsa, iudices, quae semper valet plurimum.''<br>The facts, O judges, speak for themselves; facts, which are always of the greatest weight in a cause. (tr. [https://books.google.com/books?id=A3BJAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA413 C. D. Yonge, 1852])</small> ===XX. ''{{w|Against Leptines}}'' (354 BC)=== * φύσεως κακίας σημεῖόν ἐστιν ὁ φθόνος. ** Envy is a sign of an evil nature. ** XX.140 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/528/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * τὸ μέλλον ἄδηλον πᾶσιν ἀνθρώποις, καὶ μικροὶ καιροὶ μεγάλων πραγμάτων αἴτιοι γίγνονται. ** No man can tell what the future may bring forth, and small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises. ** XX.162 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/511 T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ===XXI. ''{{w|Against Meidias}}'' (348/7 BC)=== * οὐ γὰρ ἡ πληγὴ παρέστησε τὴν ὀργήν, ἀλλ᾿ ἡ ἀτιμία. ** It is not the blow that rouses anger but the disgrace. ** XXI.72 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/450/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ===XXIV. ''{{w|Against Timocrates}}'' (352 BC)=== * τίς οὖν μόνη φυλακὴ καὶ δικαία καὶ βέβαιος τῶν νόμων; ὑμεῖς οἱ πολλοί. ** Who then are the only just and firm supporters of the law? You, the people. ** XXIV.37 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/506/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) == Attributed == * ὑπόκρισις, ὑπόκρισις, ὑπόκρισις. ** Delivery, delivery, delivery. ** Response when asked to name the three most important components of rhetoric. Reported by {{w|Cicero}}, ''Brutus'' 142: *** ''Ut verum videretur in hoc illud, quod Demosthenem ferunt ei, qui quaesivisset quid primum esset in dicendo, actionem, quid secundum idem, et idem tertium respondisse.'' *** You can see by his example how all this bears out the truth of the dictum attributed to Demosthenes; who when asked what was first in oratory replied to his questioner, 'action,' what second, 'action,' and again third, 'action.' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/cicero-in-28-volumes.-vol.-5-loeb-342/page/n78/mode/1up G. L. Hendrickson, 1939]) ** Also reported by {{w|pseudo-Plutarch}}, ''Lives of the Ten Orators'', 845b: *** ἐρομένου αὐτόν ⟨τινος⟩ τί πρῶτον ἐν ῥητορικῇ, εἶπεν 'ὑπόκρισις'· καὶ τί δεύτερον 'ὑπόκρισις'· καὶ τί τρίτον 'ὑπόκρισις'. *** When someone asked him what was the first thing in oratory, he replied "Delivery," and what the second, "Delivery," and the third, "Delivery." (tr. [https://archive.org/details/plutarchs-moralia-vol.-10-loeb-321/page/n222/mode/1up H. N. Fowler, 1936]) ** Further noted by [[Quintilian]], [https://archive.org/details/institutioorator04quinuoft/page/244/mode/2up ''Institutio Oratoria'', XI.3.6] and [[w:Cassius Longinus (philosopher)|Longinus]], [https://archive.org/details/20260305_20260305_1817/page/194/mode/2up ''Art of Rhetoric'', 195.5–9]. * ὑμεῖς ἐμοὶ ὦ ἄνδρες Ἀθηναῖοι συμβούλῳ μέν, κἂν μὴ θέλητε, χρήσεσθε· συκοφάντῃ δ᾿ οὐδ᾿ ἂν θέλητε. ** Men of Athens, you will have use of my services as a counsellor, even if you do not want them, but not as a false accuser, even if you do. ** On his refusal to take up a prosecution he disapproved of. Reported from a lost work of {{w|Theophrastus}} by {{w|Plutarch}}, ''Demosthenes'' 14.4: *** ἱστορεῖ δὲ καὶ Θεόφραστος, ὅτι τῶν Ἀθηναίων ἐπί τινα προβαλλομένων αὐτὸν κατηγορίαν, εἶθ᾿ ὡς οὐχ ὑπήκουε θορυβούντων, ἀναστὰς εἶπεν· "ὑμεῖς ἐμοὶ ὦ ἄνδρες Ἀθηναῖοι συμβούλῳ μέν, κἂν μὴ θέλητε, χρήσεσθε· συκοφάντῃ δ᾿ οὐδ᾿ ἂν θέλητε." *** And also Theophrastus reports that when the Athenians proposed him (Demosthenes) for a certain prosecution and then raised a tumult because he did not accept, he rose and said, "Men of Athens, you will have use of my services as a counsellor, even if you do not want them, but not as a false accuser, even if you do." (tr. [https://archive.org/details/theophrastusofer0002unse/page/464/mode/2up W. W. Fortenbaugh ''et al.'', 1993]) * οὐκ ὠνοῦμαι μυρίων δραχμῶν μεταμέλειαν. ** I will not buy regret for ten thousand drachmas. ** Response when the [[w:Hetaira|courtesan]] [[w:Lais of Hyccara|Lais]] demanded an exorbitant fee for her affections. Reported from a lost work of {{w|Sotion}} by {{w|Aulus Gellius}}, ''Attic Nights'', I.8.3–6: *** ''Lais, inquit, Corinthia ob elegantiam venustatemque formae grandem pecuniam demerebat, conventusque ad eam ditiorum hominum ex omni Graecia celebres erant, neque admittebantur nisi qui dabat quod poposcerat: poscebat autem illa nimium quantum.'' [. . .] ''Ad hanc ille Demosthenes clanculum adit et ut sibi copiam sui faceret petit. At Lais'' μυρίας δραχμάς ''poposcit.'' [. . .] ''Tali petulantia mulieris atque pecuniae magnitudine ictus expavidusque Demosthenes avertitur et discedens'' [. . .] οὐκ ὠνοῦμαι ''inquit'' μυρίων δραχμῶν μεταμέλειαν. *** Lais of Corinth, [Sotion] says, used to gain a great deal of money by the grace and charm of her beauty, and was frequently visited by wealthy men from all over Greece; but no one was received who did not give what she demanded, and her demands were extravagant enough. [. . .] The great Demosthenes approached her secretly and asked for her favours. But Lais demanded ten thousand drachmas. [. . .] Amazed and shocked at the woman's great impudence and the vast sum of money demanded, Demosthenes turned away, remarking as he left her: [. . .] ''I will not buy regret for ten thousand drachmas''. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bwb_S0-AVN-133/page/42/mode/2up J. C. Rolfe, 1927]) * ἀνὴρ ὁ φεύγων καὶ πάλιν μαχήσεται. ** The man who runs away will fight again. ** On his fleeing the [[w:Battle of Chaeronea (338 BC)|battle of Chaeronea]]. Reported by Aulus Gellius, ''Attic Nights'', XVII.21.30–31: *** ''post deinde aliquanto tempore Philippus apud Chaeroneam proelio magno Athenienses vicit. Tum Demosthenes orator ex eo proelio salutem fuga quaesivit, cumque id ei quod fugerat probrose obiceretur, versu illo notissimo elusit:'' ἀνὴρ ''(inquit)'' ὁ φεύγων καὶ πάλιν μαχήσεται. *** Then some little time afterwards Philip defeated the Athenians in the great battle at Chaeronea. At that time the orator Demosthenes sought safety in flight from the battlefield, and when he was bitterly taunted with his flight he jestingly replied in the well-known verse: ''The man who runs away will fight again.'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/atticnightsofaul0003unse/page/282/mode/2up J. C. Rolfe, 1927]) ** Also in the ''Monosticha'' attributed to Menander, [https://archive.org/details/sententiaecompar0000mena/page/36/mode/2up no. 56 Jäkel]. However, linguistic evidence in the cited Greek verse suggests a date of composition considerably later than Demosthenes' time ([https://www.jstor.org/stable/41251715?seq=14 T. Kock, 1886:98]). * ἀλλ᾿ οὐ τὸ μέγα εὖ ἐστι, τὸ δὲ εὖ μέγα. ** It's not what's great that is good, but what's good that is great. ** Reported by {{w|Stobaeus}}, ''Anthology'' III.4.49: *** Δημοσθένης ὁ ῥήτωρ θεασάμενός τινα δημαγωγὸν ἀφυῆ μέγα βοῶντα ἔφη 'ἀλλ᾿ οὐ τὸ μέγα εὖ ἐστι, τὸ δὲ εὖ μέγα'. *** Demosthenes the orator, seeing an inept demagogue shouting loudly, said: ''It's not what's great that is good, but what's good that is great.'' <!-- Own translation; please replace with published translation if one becomes available --> ** Elsewhere attributed to the [[w:Aulos|aulete]] Caphisias ([https://archive.org/details/charles-burton-gulick-ed.-athenaeus.-the-deipnosophists-t.-4-1930/Charles%20Burton%20Gulick%20%28ed.%29%20-%20Athenaeus.%20The%20Deipnosophists%2C%20t.%206%20%281959%29/page/392/mode/2up Athenaeus 629b], [https://archive.org/details/L184DiogenesLaertiusLivesOfEminentPhilosophersII610/page/132/mode/2up Diogenes Laertius VII.21]). ** The most widely circulated paraphrase is first found in ''Proverbs; or, the Manual of Wisdom'' (Oxford, 1803), [https://books.google.gr/books?id=xMGkLUdwJZ4C&pg=PA118 p. 118]: *** Every thing great is not always good, but all good things are great. {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * The readiest and surest way to get rid of censure, is to correct ourselves. ** Paraphrased from [[Plato]], [[w:Apology (Plato)|''Apology of Socrates'']] 39d: *** εἰ γὰρ οἴεσθε ἀποκτείνοντες ἀνθρώπους '''ἐπισχήσειν τοῦ ὀνειδίζειν τινὰ ὑμῖν''' ὅτι οὐκ ὀρθῶς ζῆτε, οὐ καλῶς διανοεῖσθε· οὐ γὰρ ἐσθ᾿ αὕτη ἡ ἀπαλλαγὴ οὔτε πάνυ δυνατὴ οὔτε καλή, ἀλλ᾿ '''ἐκείνη καὶ καλλίστη καὶ ῥᾴστη,''' μὴ τοὺς ἄλλους κολούειν ἀλλ᾿ '''ἑαυτὸν παρασκευάζειν ὅπως ἔσται ὡς βέλτιστος.''' *** For if you think that by putting people to death you’ll '''prevent anyone remonstrating with you''' for not living your lives in the right way, you’re not thinking straight. You see this is not a very practicable or honorable way to get out of it. But '''the best and easiest way''' is not to restrain everyone else, but '''prepare oneself to be the best possible.''' (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/plato_philosopher-apology/2017/pb_LCL036.185.xml C. Emlyn-Jones, W. Preddy, 2017]) ** The paraphrase was made by {{w|Jacques de Tourreil}}, in his introduction to Demosthenes (''Philippiques de Demosthene'', Paris, 1701, [https://books.google.com/books?id=NlvQ49NaTnwC&pg=RA1-PA115 p. 115]), with attribution to Plato. The English comes from a translation of Tourreil, in ''Several Orations of Demosthenes'' (London, 1702), [https://books.google.com/books?id=L6ApAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA146 p. 146]. ** First attributed to Demosthenes in ''Laconics; or Instructive Miscellanies'' (Philadelphia, 1827), [https://archive.org/details/laconicsorinstru00phil/page/50/mode/2up p. 50]. <!-- The exact form cited first appears in E. Berkeley, ''The World's Laconics: Or, The Best Thoughts of the Best Authors'' (1853), [https://archive.org/details/worldslaconicso00spragoog/page/n37/mode/2up p. 34]. --> * Clouds cannot cover secret places, nor denials conceal truth. ** Recorded in N. Ling, ''Politeuphuia. Wits Common-wealth'' (London, 1597), [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1475-1640_politeuphuia-wits-commo_ling-nicholas_1597/page/n311/mode/2up f. 150r], without attribution. First attributed to Demosthenes in the [https://books.google.com/books?id=SPv_lOJQUcwC&pg=PA164 1647 edition], but does not occur in his writings. * As a vessel is known by the sound, whether it be whole or broken; so are men proved by their speech, whether they be wise or foolish. ** {{w|Robert Cawdrey}}, ''A Treasurie or Store-house of Similies'' (London, 1600), [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1475-1640_a-treasurie-or-store-hou_cawdrey-robert_1600/page/750/mode/2up p. 750]; the collection's non-scriptural similes were apparently composed by Cawdrey himself ([https://www.jstor.org/stable/3816369 R. H. Bowers, 1957:177]). ** First attributed to Demosthenes in the [https://books.google.com/books?id=fuJmAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA192 1688 edition] of N. Ling's ''Politeuphuia. Wits Common-wealth''. * What we have in us of the image of God, is the love of truth and justice. ** First appears in ''The Moralist; or a Collection of Maxims, Observations, &c.'' (Liverpool, 1800), [https://archive.org/details/bim_eighteenth-century_the-moralist-or-a-colle_gregg-h-mrs_1800/page/12/mode/2up p. 12], attributed to Demosthenes; not known to occur in his works. * The end of wisdom is consultation and deliberation. ** Mangled quotation from the [[w:Demosthenes's Funeral Oration|''Funeral Oration'']] (itself of disputed authorship), LX.17: *** ἔστιν γάρ, ἔστιν ἁπάσης ἀρετῆς ἀρχὴ μὲν σύνεσις, πέρας δ᾿ ἀνδρεία. *** For of all virtue, I say, and I repeat it, the beginning is understanding and the fulfilment is courage. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/L374DemosthenesVIIFuneralSpeechEroticSssayExordiaLetters/page/18/mode/2up N. W. DeWitt, N. J. DeWitt, 1949]) ** The corrupt form appears to be misremembered from a rendering of this passage in {{w|John Florio}}'s translation of {{w|Montaigne}}'s essays (''The Essayes . . . of Lo: Michaell de Montaigne'', London, 1603, [https://archive.org/details/essayesormorallp00mont/page/194/mode/2up p. 194]): *** It is a saying of Demosthenes, (as some report,) That consultation and deliberation, is the beginning of all vertues, and constancie, the end and perfection. ** First appears in print in the July 1824 issue of ''The European Magazine'' ([https://archive.org/details/sim_european-magazine-and-london-review_1824-07_86/page/28/mode/2up vol. 86, p. 29]), attributed to Demosthenes. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Demosthenes == * Of orators, if I must choose you any, it shall be Demosthenes, both for the argument he handles, and for that his eloquence is more proper to a statesman than [[Cicero]]'s. **[[Francis Bacon]], ''Advice to Fulke Greville on his studies'', quoted in ''The Oxford Authors: Francis Bacon'', ed. Brian Vickers (1996), p. 105 * ''Nam plane quidem perfectum et quoi nihil admodum desit Demosthenem facile dixeris. Nihil acute inveniri potuit in eis causis quas scripsit, nihil, ut ita dicam, subdole, nihil versute, quod ille non viderit; nihil subtiliter dici, nihil presse, nihil enucleate, quo fieri possit aliquid limatius; nihil contra grande, nihil incitatum, nihil ornatum vel verborum gravitate vel sententiarum, quo quicquam esset elatius.'' ** For the perfect orator and the one who lacks absolutely nothing you would without hesitation name Demosthenes. Ingenuity however acute, however subtle, however shrewd would fail to discover any point in the orations from his hand which he has overlooked; in diction nothing more finished than the simplicity, the compression, the directness of his style; and again nothing more elevated than the sublimity, the passion, the dignity and beauty, whether of his words or of his sentiments. ** [[Cicero]], ''Brutus'', 35 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/cicero-in-28-volumes.-vol.-5-loeb-342/page/n36/mode/1up G. L. Hendrickson, 1939]) * Demosthenes would have saved his country had it consented to be saved. **[[Georges Clemenceau]], ''Demosthenes'', tr. C. M. Thompson (Boston-New York, 1926), [https://archive.org/details/demosthenes00clem/page/8/mode/2up p. 8] * Demosthenes met war with war only because submitting to brute force can give but a debasing peace. The strong who hold all the rewards in their hands had no degrading attraction for him. At one stroke and for always he gave himself to that subtly inconsequential people — inconsequential because its yoked strength and weakness pulled against each other as they were alternately attracted by the fleeting flatteries it was eager to give and to receive. In the worst trials, respectful of the Athenian ideal to which he had consecrated his life, he remained immutably faithful to his City and to Hellas, through which the civilization that we glory in was enabled to live and flourish. **[[Georges Clemenceau]], ''Demosthenes'', tr. C. M. Thompson (Boston-New York, 1926), [https://archive.org/details/demosthenes00clem/page/148/mode/2up pp. 148-149] * We have in Demosthenes an exceptional example of a type rare even in later antiquity and therefore of inestimable value to us: for here is one man of the ancient world whom we can know not merely as a walking canon of virtue, the hero of some largely fictitious school of biography patched together a century or more after his death, but as a real person in a real environment, waging a lifelong struggle against all his human frailties. ** {{w|Werner Jaeger}}, ''Demosthenes. The Origin and Growth of His Policy'', tr. E. S. Robinson (Cambridge, 1938), [https://archive.org/details/demosthenesorigi0000jaeg_c1b6/page/22/mode/2up p. 22] * Νά! Αὐτὸς ἦτον ἄνθρωπος. ** ''That'' was a man. <!-- (tr. [https://archive.org/details/historyofclassic03sanduoft/page/362/mode/2up J. E. Sandys, 1908]) --> ** {{w|Adamantios Korais}}; his final words, on a portrait of Demosthenes. Reported by [https://books.google.com/books?id=4d0NAAAAQAAJ&pg=PA11-IA78 S. Mamoukas, 1881:157], from the testimony of K. Pitzipios, the only witness of Korais' death. * λέγουσι δ᾿ αὐτὸν [. . .] κατιόντα ἐπὶ τὸ Φαληρικὸν πρὸς τὰς τῶν κυμάτων ἐμβολὰς τὰς σκέψεις ποιεῖσθαι, ἵν᾿, εἴ ποτε θορυβοίη ὁ δῆμος, μὴ ἐκσταίη. ** They say that [. . .] he used to go down to the shore at Phalerum and address his remarks to the roar of the waves, that he might not be disconcerted if the people should ever make a disturbance. ** {{w|Pseudo-Plutarch}}, ''Lives of the Ten Orators'', 844d–f (tr. [https://archive.org/details/plutarchs-moralia-vol.-10-loeb-321/page/n220/mode/1up H. N. Fowler, 1936]) * ''Quorum longe princeps Demosthenes ac paene lex orandi fuit: tanta vis in eo, tam densa omnia, ita quibusdam nervis intenta sunt, tam nihil otiosum, is dicendi modus, ut nec quod desit in eo nec quod redundet invenias.'' ** Of these [''sc.'' the Greek orators], Demosthenes was far the greatest, almost a law of oratory in himself: such is his force, the concentration of his thought, his muscular firmness, his economy, his control—one feels there is nothing lacking and nothing superfluous. ** [[Quintilian]], ''{{w|Institutio Oratoria}}'', X.1.76 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/quintilian-orators_education/2002/pb_LCL127.293.xml D. A. Russell, 2002]) * Do you remember that in classical times when [[Cicero]] had finished speaking, the people said, "How well he spoke" but when Demosthenes had finished speaking, they said, "Let us march." ** [[Adlai Stevenson]], introducing [[John F. Kennedy]] in 1960, as quoted in ''Adlai Stevenson and The World: The Life of Adlai E. Stevenson‎'' (1977) by John Bartlow Martin, p. 549 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat|Demosthenes}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Demosthenes | name=Demosthenes}} * [http://classics.mit.edu/Plutarch/demosthe.html "Demosthenes" by Plutarch] *[http://www.toastmasters.state.ct.us/demosthenes/resources/whowasdemosthenes.htm Perseus Encyclopedia] *[http://ancientlibrary.com/seyffert/0183.html Ancient Library] *[http://encyclopedia.jrank.org/DEM_DIO/DEMOSTHENES.html Britannica, 11th Edition] *[http://www.britannica.com/eb/article-9029911 Britannica online] *[http://demosthenes.com Biography and links] *[http://www.chs.harvard.edu/discussion_series.sec/athenian_law.ssp/orator_biographies.pg#demos Center for Hellenic Studies] *[http://www.bartleby.com/65/de/Demosthe.html Columbia Encyclopedia, Sixth Edition (2001–05)] *[http://www.school-for-champions.com/biographies/demosthenes.htm "Demosthenes" by Ron Kurtus] *[http://www.livius.org/de-dh/demosthenes/demosthenes.html "Demosthenes" by Jona Lendering] *[http://www.san.beck.org/EC22-Alexander.html "Philip, Demosthenes, and Alexander" by Sanderson Beck] *[http://www.stoa.org/projects/demos/article_assembly?page=7&greekEncoding=UnicodeC/ "The Assembly during Demosthenes' era" by Christopher W. Blackwell] *[http://www.ellopos.net/elpenor/greek-texts/ancient-greece/history-of-ancient-greece-19-philip.asp A Smaller History of Ancient Greece-Philip of Macedon by William Smith] *[http://www.stoa.org/projects/demos/article_libanius?page=33&greekEncoding=Unicode "Hypotheses to the Orations of Demosthenes" by Libanius] * [http://www.aeria.phil.uni-erlangen.de/photo_html/portraet/griechisch/redner/demosthenes/demosthenes.html Statues of Demosthenes] {{DEFAULTSORT:Demosthenes}} [[Category:Authors from Greece]] [[Category:Politicians from Greece]] [[Category:Ambassadors]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:Suicides]] [[Category:People from Athens]] kyprn8em5ryema8m94coswq49dj9z2q 0 1658 3944303 3942457 2026-05-22T23:56:38Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944303 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] tf5gdq1al76zleac9ggd9tzlabwnmhc 0 1935 3944216 3898364 2026-05-22T15:20:57Z Crookesmoor 166235 /* 2022 */ 3944216 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Boris Johnson official portrait (cropped).jpg|thumb|Boris Johnson in 2019]] '''[[w:en:Boris Johnson|Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson]]''' (born [[19 June]] [[1964]]) is a British politician, [[journalist]], and [[w:popular history|popular historian]]. He was [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister]] of the [[United Kingdom]] and [[w:Leader of the Conservative Party (UK)|Leader of the Conservative Party]] from July 2019 until September 2022. Johnson was [[w:Member of Parliament|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Uxbridge and South Ruislip (UK Parliament constituency)|Uxbridge and South Ruislip]] from May 2015 until his resignation in June 2023. Earlier in his career, Johnson was the MP for [[w:Henley (UK Parliament constituency)|Henley]] from [[w:United Kingdom general election, 2001|2001]] until [[w:Henley by-election, 2008|2008]], and [[w:Mayor of London|Mayor of London]], completing two terms in office between 2008 and 2016. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], Johnson considers himself a "[[w:One-nation conservatism|One-Nation Tory]]" and has been described as a [[libertarianism|libertarian]] due to his association with both [[w:economic liberalism|economically liberal]] and [[w:social liberalism|socially liberal]] policies. He is partly of Turkish descent. ==Quotes== === 1980s === ==== 1988 ==== * The tragedy of the stooge is that even if he thinks this through, he wants so much to believe that his relationship with the candidate is special that he shuts out the truth. The terrible art of the candidate is to coddle the self-deception of the stooge. ** From an essay entitled "Politics" on his campaign for the {{w|Oxford Union}} presidency, published in 1988 in ''The Oxford Myth'' (Weidenfeld & Nicholson), a book edited by [[w:Rachel Johnson|Rachel Johnson]], his sister, as quoted in Andrew Gimson [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Boris/Xyi6m7wQbBoC?hl=en&pg=PP91 ''Boris: The Adventures of Boris Johnson''] London: Simon & Schuster (2012 edition), p. 91 === 1990s === * I accused men of being responsible for a social breakdown which is costing us all, as taxpayers, £9.1 billion per year, and which is producing a generation of ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate children. * With £90 billion currently spent on welfare, the great economic issues of our time are social. They are moral. And yet the Government is virtually incapacitated from utterance by its own bumbling. * The modern [[British people|British]] male is useless. If he is [[Working class|blue collar]], he is likely to be [[Drunkenness|drunk]], [[Crime|criminal]], aimless, feckless and hopeless, and perhaps claiming to suffer from low self-esteem brought on by unemployment. If he is white collar, he is likely to be little better. * Something must be found, first, to restore women's desire to be married. That means addressing the feebleness of the modern [[British people|Briton]], his reluctance or inability to take control of his woman and be head of a household. ** [http://archive.spectator.co.uk/article/19th-august-1995/6/politics "The male sex is to blame for the appalling proliferation of single mothers"] ''The Spectator'' (19 August 1995). * Weep O ye shirt-makers of Jermyn Street ye [[w:Cool Britannia|Cool Britannia]] tailors and whatever exists of human finer feeling In the [[w:Ministry of Sound|Ministry of Sound]], '''the tank-topped bumboys''' blub into their [[w:Pilsner|Pils]]. In the delicatessens of [[w:Elgin Crescent|Elgin Crescent]] the sawdust is sodden with tears For months years Carla Powell will go into mourning her plumage as black as night For Mandy is dead dead ere his prime! ** [https://www.newspapers.com/image/752390820/ "He Lived by the spin, he died by the spin"] ''The Daily Telegraph'' (24 December 1998), p. 16 ** [[Peter Mandelson]] had resigned as [[w:Secretary of state for trade and industry|Secretary of State for Trade and Industry]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]]. === 2000s === ==== 2000 ==== * On the other hand we don’t want our children being taught some rubbish about homosexual marriage being the same as normal marriage and that is why I am more than happy to support [[w:Section 28|Section 28]] ... ** [https://www.newspapers.com/image/752624452/ "The Dome is wonderful: it explains Blair's vacuity"] ''The Daily Telegraph'' (27 January 2000), p. 28 ** An attempt by the government of [[w:Tony Blair|Tony Blair]] to repeal a clause in the [[w:Local Government Act 1988|Local Government Act 1988]] barring the promotion of homosexuality by local authorities was not supported by the Conservatives and [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2000/feb/08/parliament.uk2 was defeated] in the [[w:House of Lords|House of Lords]] in February. * Labour's appalling agenda, encouraging the teaching of [[homosexuality]] in schools, and all the rest of it. ** ''The Spectator'' (15 April 2000) * Dark forces dragged me away from the keyboard, swirling forces of irresistible intensity and power. ** "A wise guy playing the fool to win", ''The Sunday Times'' (16 July 2000), p. 17. ** While at ''The Daily Telegraph'', explaining why his work was usually late. ==== 2001 ==== * If you see anyone who is obeying the law, apart from the odd motorised rickshaw, please give me a ring. The national speed limit is, de facto, 99mph, because everyone knows that you lose your licence at 100mph. The law of the land is disregarded by good people, held in contempt by Middle England, and scorned by no less a person than [[w:Jack_Straw|Jack Straw]], who saw fit to scream through the sound barrier when he was Home Secretary. * Yes, [[cannabis]] is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It's time for a rethink, and the Tory party - the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth - is where it's happening. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/4263811/No-one-obeys-the-speed-limit-except-a-motorised-rickshaw.html "No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw"], ''The Daily Telegraph'', 12 July 2001, p. 27. ** The speed limit on British motorways was, and remains, 70mph. * Ok, I said to myself as I sighted the bird down the end of the gun. This time, my fine feathered friend, there is no escape. ** ''Friends, Voters, Countrymen'' p. 59. ==== 2002 ==== * It is said that [[Elizabeth II|the Queen]] has come to love the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]], partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving [[w:Pickaninny|picaninnies]]; and one can imagine that [[Tony Blair|Blair]], twice victor abroad but enmired at home, is similarly seduced by foreign politeness. They say he is shortly off to the [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|Congo]]. No doubt the [[AK-47|AK47s]] will fall silent, and the pangas will stop their hacking of human flesh, and the tribal warriors will all break out in [[w:Watermelon stereotype|Watermelon smiles]] to see the big white chief touch down in his big white British taxpayer-funded bird. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080620103008/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2002/01/10/do1002.xml "If Blair's so good at running the Congo, let him stay there"] ''The Daily Telegraph'' (10 January 2002) * The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more... Consider [[Uganda]], pearl of [[Africa]], as an example of the British record. … the [[British Empire|British]] planted [[coffee]] and [[cotton]] and [[tobacco]], and they were broadly right... If left to their own devices, the natives would rely on nothing but the instant carbohydrate gratification of the [[w:plantain|plantain]]. You never saw a place so abounding in bananas: great green barrel-sized bunches, off to be turned into matooke. Though this dish (basically fried banana) was greatly relished by [[Idi Amin]], the colonists correctly saw that the export market was limited... The best fate for Africa would be if the old colonial powers, or their citizens, scrambled once again in her direction; on the understanding that this time they will not be asked to feel guilty. ** Discussing his views on Africans and "Instant Carbohydrate Gratification" ''The Spectator'' (2 February 2002) * I don't see why people are so snooty about [[w:Channel 5|Channel 5]]. It has some respectable documentaries about the [[World War II|Second World War]]. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap dancing, and other related and vital subjects. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3574184/What-has-the-BBC-come-to-Toilets-thats-what.html "What has the BBC come to? Toilets, that's what"], ''The Daily Telegraph'' (14 March 2002), p. 29. * We are confident in our story and will be fighting this all the way. I am very sorry that [[w:Alastair Campbell|Alastair Campbell]] has taken this decision but I can see that he got his tits in the wringer. ** Catherine Macleod, "Angry Blair takes on press", ''The Herald'' (Glasgow), 24 April 2002, p. 1. ** On Campbell's negative reply to ''The Spectator''{{'}}s report that the Government had influence the [[Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon|Queen Mother]]'s funeral arrangements. * Nor do I propose to defend the right to talk on a mobile while driving a car, though I don't believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3579885/To-the-lady-who-berated-me-I-say-on-your-bike.html "To the lady who berated me, I say: on your bike"], ''The Daily Telegraph'' (1 August 2002), p. 21. ==== 2003 ==== * It is hard to think of a measure that the Government could have brought to the House that I could support more unreservedly and with greater pleasure than this [[w:European Union (Accessions) Act 2003|Bill to expand the European Union]]. To sum up my response, I would merely say, "And about time too." * I am not by any means an ultra-Eurosceptic. In some ways, I am a bit of a fan of the European Union. If we did not have one, we would invent something like it—some means of association between the sovereign states of [[Europe]], perhaps an organisation in [[Brussels]]—overnight. ** From his contribution during a debate (21 May 2003) on the [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/2003/may/21/european-union-accessions-bill "European Union (Accessions) Bill"] ''Hansard'' HC vol 405 cc. 1021-1121, 1080, 1082 * I forgot that to rely on a [[Trains|train]], in Blair's Britain, is to engage in a crapshoot with the [[devil]]. ** "A horse is a safer bet than the trains", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 3 July 2003, p. 22. * I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as of being decapitated by a frisbee or of finding [[Elvis Presley|Elvis]]. ** Ephraim Hardcastle, ''Daily Mail'', 22 July 2003, p. 13. ** Asked by pupils of Gillott's School in his constituency whether he would like the job of Prime Minister. * The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP, they have run out of better ideas. ** "What's wrong with 40 Liverpool Road?", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 18 September 2003, p. 24. * The [[w:Liberal Democrats (UK)|Lib Dems]] are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition. ** "The least said about Lib Dems, the better", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 25 September 2003, p. 24. * I could not fail to disagree with you less. ** 2004 winner of the [[Foot in Mouth Award]] from the [[Plain English Campaign]], for his comment on the 12 December 2003 edition of ''Have I Got News For You'' [http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/footinmouth.html] * Not even Mr Blair has been able to erode the unions conviction that we all have a “right” to a minimum wage... Both the minimum wage and the Social Charter would palpably destroy jobs. ** ''Lend Me Your Ears'', p. 387 ==== 2004 ==== * Any seat would be mad not to take him. He's a terrific chap. ** "Keeping it in the family", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 23 January 2004, p. 29. ** On his father, Stanley Johnson's plans to become an MP. * It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of [[Harry Houdini]] and a greased piglet. He is barely [[human]] in his elusiveness. Nailing [[Tony Blair|Blair]] is like trying to pin jelly to a wall. ** "The BBC was doing its job - bring back Gilligan", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 29 January 2004, p. 21. ** Reaction to the [[w:Hutton Inquiry|Hutton Report]]. * As snow-jobs go, this beats the Himalayas. ** "The BBC was doing its job - bring back Gilligan", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 29 January 2004, p. 21. ** Reaction to the [[w:Hutton Inquiry|Hutton Report]]. * That is the best case for [[George W. Bush|Bush]]; that, among other things, he [[Iraq War|liberated]] [[Iraq]]. It is good enough for me. ** ''The Daily Telegraph 26 February 2004'' * Some readers will no doubt say that a devil is inside me; and though my faith is a bit like [[w:Magic FM|Magic FM]] in the Chilterns, in that the signal comes and goes, I can only hope that isn't so. ** "What's so funny about the Passion?", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 4 March 2004, p. 24. * If [[Amsterdam]] or [[Leningrad]] vie for the title of Venice of the North, then [[Venice]] - what compliment is high enough? Venice, with all her civilisation and ancient beauty, Venice with her addiction to curious aquatic means of transport, yes, my friends, Venice is the Henley of the South. ** "Paying through the Doge for Europe", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 11 March 2004, p. 22. * [On [[Tony Blair]]] He's lost the plot, people tell me. He's drifting rudderless in the wide [[w:Sargasso Sea|Sargasso Sea]] of [[w:New Labour|New Labour]]'s ideological vacuum. ** "Blair dead in the water? No such luck", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 29 April 2004, p. 24. * Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it. ** Toby Helm, "Boris Johnson named shadow arts minister", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 7 May 2004, p. 12. ** On being appointed Shadow Arts Minister. * It was a stellar performance. I may as well give up now and make way for an older man. ** Hickey, ''The Express'', 12 May 2004. ** On his father Stanley's appearance on ''Have I Got News For You''. * There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge. ** "Face it: it's all your own fat fault", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 27 May 2004, p. 24. ** On the dangers of obesity. * My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive. ** "You ask the questions", ''The Independent'', 17 June 2004, p. 7. ** Asked "Admit it: you want to become prime minister, don't you?" by Amanda Findlay of Bolton. * I didn't see it, but it sounds barbaric. It's become like [[cock-fighting]]: poor dumb brutes being set upon each other by conniving television producers. ** David Smith, "Focus: Big Brother brawl", ''The Observer'', 20 June 2004, p. 17. ** On [[w:Big Brother 5 (UK)|Big Brother]]. * Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious. ** Beth Pearson, "Has Howard got news for Boris?", ''The Herald'' (Glasgow), 13 November 2004, p. 15. ** Explaining why he quit after a week as a management consultant. =====Affair with Petronella Wyatt===== * I have not had an affair with Petronella. It is complete balderdash. It is '''an inverted pyramid of piffle'''. It is all completely untrue and ludicrous conjecture. I am amazed people can write this drivel. ** Simon Walters, "Boris, Petsy and a 'pyramid of piffle'", ''Mail on Sunday'', 7 November 2004, p. 7. ** Denying accusations of his having an affair with [[Petronella Wyatt]]. * Tremendous, little short of superb. On cracking form. ** David Charter, Joanna Bale, "Tories suggest door will open for Boris Johnson to return", ''The Times'', 15 November 2004, p. 7. ** Asked how he was feeling after being sacked as Shadow Arts Minister for having lied to Michael Howard over his affair with Petronella Wyatt. * I advise you all very strongly - go for a run, get some exercise, and have a beautiful day. ** Valentine Low, "Shiver me timbers Boris", ''Evening Standard'', 15 November 2004, p. 3. ** Cornered by reporters asking about his affair after a morning run. * Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under. ** "[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2004/12/02/do0202.xml Trust me, being sacked isn't all bad]", ''The Daily Telegraph, 2 December 2004, p. 26. ** On being sacked from the Tory front bench. * My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters. ** "[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2004/12/02/do0202.xml Trust me, being sacked isn't all bad]", ''The Daily Telegraph, 2 December 2004, p. 26. ** On being sacked from the Tory front bench. ==== 2005 ==== * But here's old Ken - he's been crass, he's been insensitive and thuggish and brutal in his language - but I don't think actually if you read what he said, although it was extraordinary and rude, I don't think he was actually [[Antisemitism|anti-Semitic]]. ** "Quotes of the Day", ''The Times'', 18 February 2005, p. 2. * [[Michael Howard|Howard]] is a dynamic performer on many levels. There you are. He sent me to Liverpool. Marvellous place. Howard was the most effective Home Secretary since [[Robert Peel|Peel]]. Hang on, was Peel Home Secretary? ** Ben Macintyre, "'Hello, I'm your MP. Actually no, I'm your candidate. Gosh'", ''The Times'', 19 April 2005, p. 23. ** On [[Michael Howard]]. * I'm having Sunday lunch with my family. I'm vigorously campaigning, inculcating my children in the benefits of a Tory government. ** "2-minute interview: Boris Johnson", ''The Guardian'', 11 April 2005, p. 7. ** Asked whether he was canvassing at Sunday lunchtime. * What we hate, what we fear, is being ignored. ** "Labour's cleaning up on the council tax", 21 April 2005, p. 24. ** On the fears of MPs. * I love tennis with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around. ** Hickey, ''The Express'', 21 March 2005. * The proposed ban on incitement to "religious hatred" makes no sense unless it involves a ban on the Koran itself; and that would be pretty absurd, when you consider that the Bill's intention is to fight Islamophobia. ** ''Daily Telegraph 21 July 2005 * I'm backing [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]]'s campaign out of pure, cynical self-interest. ** "Conference Diary", ''The Independent'', 5 October 2005, p. 7. ** On The 2005 Conservative Leadership Contest. * I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar. ** "Londoner's Diary", ''Evening Standard'', 17 October 2005, p. 15. * I lost the job, but the well the honest truth is that this has been embellished by, probably by me, in the sense that there were two of us who were taken on as trainees, and this was in the, the, the 80s, I think it was the late 80s, and it was him or me who was going to get the job at the end of, at the end of, eight months or nine months.... It was, it was absolutely, it was mano-a-mano and of course it was him who got it. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00935b6 Interviewed on ''Desert Island Discs''], ''BBC Radio 4'' (30 October 2005) ** On his short placement as a journalist at ''[[w:The Times|The Times]]''. In fact, rather than failing to beat another trainee to win a permanent position, [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/mar/25/boris-johnson-eddie-mair-interview he was sacked] in 1988 for falsifying a quotation by his godfather, [[w:Colin Lucas|Colin Lucas]]. * I was just chucking these rocks over the garden wall, and I'd listen to this amazing crash from the greenhouse, next door, over, over in [[England]], as everything I wrote from [[Brussels]] was having this amazing, explosive effect on the Tory Party, and, and it really gave me this, I suppose, rather weird sense of, of power. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00935b6 Interviewed on ''Desert Island Discs''], ''BBC Radio 4'' (30 October 2005) ** On his period working as Brussels correspondent for ''{{w|The Daily Telegraph}}'' a few years later. * I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs? ** "The Genelection Game", ''Sunday Mirror'', 24 April 2005, p. 19. ** During the campaign trail of the 2005 general election. * Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a [[w:BMW M3|BMW M3]]. ** Francis Elliott, "Boris casts his vote: 'Spectator' editor tells 'Desert Island Discs' he'll quit to spend more time with David Cameron", ''The Independent on Sunday'', 30 October 2005, p. 3. ** Said in April 2005 during the general election. * Old Man Howard, that Old Man Howard, he just keeps rolling, just keeps rolling. ** Andrew Pierce, "Boris on a roll", ''The Times'', 29 April 2005, p. 40. ** When asked by The Oxford Student whether he sees anyone amongst his younger colleagues who would one day replace Howard. * I'm very attracted to it. I may be diverting from Tory party policy here, but I don't care. ** Andrew Pierce, ''The Times'', 30 April 2005, p. 42. ** When asked about the 24 hour drinking legislation. * Life isn't like coursework, baby. It's one damn essay crisis after another. ** "Exams work because they're scary", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 12 May 2005, p. 22. ==== 2006–2007 ==== * I'm a rugby player, really, and I knew I was going to get to him, and when he was about two yards away I just put my head down. There was no malice. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer. ** Ed Harris, "Boris bites Herr legs...: The MP for Henley does his bit for Anglo-German diplomacy", ''Evening Standard'', 4 May 2006, p. 9. ** On his tackle on German midfielder Maurizio Gaudino in a charity football match. * Not only did I want Bush to win, but we threw the entire weight of ''The Spectator'' behind him. ** ''Have I Got Views for You'' (2006), p. 272 * Chinese cultural influence is virtually nil, and unlikely to increase... Indeed, high Chinese culture and art are almost all imitative of western forms: Chinese concert pianists are technically brilliant, but brilliant at [[Franz Schubert|Schubert]] and [[Sergei Rachmaninoff|Rachmaninov]]. Chinese ballerinas dance to the scores of Diaghilev. The number of Chinese Nobel prizes won on home turf is zero, although there are of course legions of bright Chinese trying to escape to [[Stanford University|Stanford]] and [[California Institute of Technology|Caltech]]... It is hard to think of a single Chinese sport at the Olympics, compared with umpteen invented by Britain, including ping-pong, I'll have you know, which originated at upper-class dinner tables and was first called whiff-whaff. The Chinese have a script so fiendishly complicated that they cannot produce a proper keyboard for it. ** ''Have I Got Views for You'' (2006), p. 277 * For 10 years we in the Tory party have become used to [[Papua New Guinea]]-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing, and so it is with a happy amazement that we watch as the madness engulfs the Labour party. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3632025/Blair-has-nothing-more-to-say-to-us-he-should-go-at-once.html From a ''Daily Telegraph'' column "Blair has nothing more to say to us: he should go at once"] (7 September 2006) [https://www.newspapers.com/image/753264363/?terms=%22Boris%20Johnson%22&match=1 p. 22], as cited in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/5327984.stm "Boris apology to Papua New Guinea"] ''BBC News'' (8 September 2006) *I meant no insult to the people of Papua New Guinea, who I'm sure lead lives of blameless bourgeois domesticity like the rest of us... I am happy to add Papua New Guinea to my global itinerary of apology. **[https://amp.theguardian.com/politics/2006/sep/09/uk.conservatives 9 September 2006] *I've got a brilliant new strategy, which is to make so many gaffes that nobody knows which one to concentrate on. [...] They cease to be newsworthy, you completely out-general the media in that way, and they despair. [...] You shell them, you pepper the media... you've got to pepper their positions with so many gaffes that they're confused. It's like a helicopter throwing out chaff, and then you steal on quietly and drop your depth charges wherever you want to drop them. **On BBC ''Booktalk'' in 2006 quoted in {{cite news|date=27 January 2022|title=Why Boris Johnson is coming out fighting|url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-60159226|publisher=BBC News}} * The real hero of ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' is the mayor. A gigantic fish is eating all your constituents and he decides to keep the beaches open. OK, in that instance he was actually wrong. But in principle, we need more [[politicians]] like the mayor - we are often the only obstacle against all the nonsense which is really a massive conspiracy against the [[Taxation|taxpayer]]. ** Speech delivered at [[w:Lloyd's of London|Lloyd's of London]] in 2006, quoted in {{citation |date=18 July 2007 |title=Boris Johnson inspired by Jaws mayor |author=Graeme Wilson and George Jones |periodical=The Telegraph |url=https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1557765/Boris-Johnson-inspired-by-Jaws-mayor.html}} * The world's population is now 6.7 billion, roughly double what it was when I was born. If I live to be in my mid-eighties, then it will have trebled in my lifetime.<br />The [[United Nations|UN]] last year revised its forecasts upwards, predicting that there will be 9.2 billion people by 2050, and I simply cannot understand why no one discusses this impending calamity, and why no world statesmen have the guts to treat the issue with the seriousness it deserves. * [O]ver the years, the argument changed, and certain words became taboo, and certain concepts became forbidden, and we have reached the stage where the very discussion of overall human fertility — global motherhood — has become more or less banned. * All the evidence shows that we can help reduce [[population growth]], and world poverty, by promoting literacy and female emancipation and access to birth control. Isn't it time politicians stopped being so timid, and started talking about the real number one issue? ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/3643551/Global-over-population-is-the-real-issue.html "Global over-population is the real issue"] ''The Telegraph'' (25 October 2007) ==== 2008 ==== * Unlike the current occupant of the [[White House]], he has no difficulty in orally extemporising a series of [[Grammar|grammatical]] [[English language|English]] sentences, each containing a main verb. * [On attempting to find any reason to oppose [[Barack Obama]]] In the end I gave up, goggle-eyed and exhausted, having trolled the wilds of the [[Neoconservatism|Neocon]] [[internet]] without finding anything remotely approaching a smoking gun. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/0/barack-obama-believe-should-next-president/ "Barack Obama: Why I believe he should be the next President"] ''The Telegraph'' (21 October 2008) * Had it been us staging the [[Olympic Games|Games]], I don't think we would necessarily have done the switcheroo with the girl with the braces ** "[http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/blog/2008/aug/21/boris.politicsandsport?gusrc=rss&feed=politics "Boris Johnson In Beijing"], ''The Guardian'' (21 August 2008) ** When asked whether he had any criticisms of the [[w:2008 Summer Olympics|Beijing Summer Olympics]]. * My policy on cake is still pro having it and pro eating it! ** Interview with [[w:Lynn Barber|Lynn Barber]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2008/oct/19/boris-london "No more Mr Nice Guy"] ''The Observer'' (19 October 2008) ** Barber had recalled [https://www.theguardian.com/media/2003/oct/05/pressandpublishing.politicsphilosophyandsociety the previous occasion] she had interviewed Johnson in 2003 when he was both an MP and editor of ''The Spectator''. Variant of the expression [[w:You can't have your cake and eat it|You can't have your cake and eat it]]'' ===== First Speech As London Mayor (3 May 2008) ===== :<small>[http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2008/may/03/boris.london08 First Speech as Mayor of London, at City Hall (3 May 2008)].</small> * Thank you very much Mr Meyer, <!-- the returning officer -->Anthony Meyer that is. I want to thank you, I want to thank the police of course, and my wife [[w:Marina Wheeler|Marina]] and my family, and my utterly brilliant campaign team, the Conservative GLA candidates — some of whom were extremely unlucky tonight — and of course the thousands of Conservative activists, the ward captains and knocker-uppers who did such an amazing job today, and indeed yesterday, rather. * This has been a marathon election as you can tell with a record turnout and I think it has been good for politics and it has been good for London. * I want to thank [[Siân Berry|Sian [Berry, Green Party]]] and [[w:Lindsey German|Lindsey [German, Left List]]] and [[w:Alan Craig|Alan [Craig, Christian Peoples Party]]] and [[Gerard Batten|Gerard [Batten, UKIP]]], who have sometimes joined us for hustings, but mainly I want to thank my two colleagues in the strange triumvirate who have been trundling around [[London]]'s [[church]] halls and [[Television|TV]] studios violently disputing the meaning of [[multiculturalism]] and the exact cost of conductors. On which point I think I'm going to declare victory. * And I want to congratulate you [[w:Brian Paddick, Baron Paddick|Brian [Paddick]]] on your great common sense and decency with which you put your case and I do hope that it is not the end of our discussions about the police. * And as for [[Ken Livingstone|Ken, Mayor Livingstone]], I think you have been a very considerable [[public servant]] and a distinguished leader of this city. * You shaped the office of mayor. You gave it national prominence and when London was attacked on [[7 July 2005 London bombings|7 July 2005]] you spoke for London. * And I can tell you that your courage and the sheer exuberant nerve with which you stuck it to your enemies, especially in [[w:New Labour|New Labour]], you have thereby earned the thanks and admiration of millions of Londoners, even if you think that they have a funny way of showing it today. * And when we have that drink together which we both so richly deserve, I hope we can discover a way in which the mayoralty can continue to benefit from your transparent love of London, a city whose energy conquered the world and which now brings the world together in one city. * I do not for one minute believe that this election shows that London has been transformed overnight into a Conservative city but I do hope it does show that the Conservatives have changed into a party that can again be trusted after 30 years with the greatest, most cosmopolitan, multi-racial generous hearted city on earth in which there are huge and growing divisions between rich and poor. * And that brings me to my final thank you which is of course to the people of London. * I would like to thank first the vast multitudes who voted against me - and I have met quite a few in the last nine months, not all of them entirely polite. * I will work flat out from now on to earn your trust and to dispel some of the myths that have been created about me. * And as for those who voted for me, I know there will be many whose pencils hovered for an instant before putting an X in my box and I will work flat out to repay and to justify your confidence. * We have a new team ready to go in to [[w:City Hall, London (Southwark)|City Hall]]. Where there have been mistakes we will rectify them. Where there are achievements we will build on them. * Where there are neglected opportunities we will seize on them, and we will focus on the priorities of the people of London: cutting crime, improving transport, protecting green space, delivering affordable housing, giving taxpayers value for money in every one of the 32 boroughs. * And I hope that everybody who loves this city will put aside party differences to try in the making of Greater London greater still. Let's get cracking tomorrow and let's have a drink tonight. === 2010s === ==== 2010 ==== * In 1904, 20 per cent of journeys were made by [[bicycle]] in London. I want to see a figure like that again. If you can't turn the clock back to 1904, what's the point of being a Conservative? ** [http://www.london-se1.co.uk/news/view/4722 Boris Johnson on South Bank for Barclays Cycle Hire launch], London SE1, 30 July 2010 ** Said during the official launch of the Barclays Cycle Hire scheme. * The meat in the sausage has got to be Conservative ** [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/election_2010/8668036.stm BBC News Interview] with [[w:en:Jeremy Paxman|Jeremy Paxman]], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2010 ** Johnson on the possibility of a coalition after the United Kingdom general election, May 2010. *** Johnson: Whatever type of, er, of Wall's sausage, er, is contrived by this, er, this great experiment, the, the dominant ingredient has got to be conservatism. ''The, the meat in the sausage has got to be Conservative'', I would say. There can be plenty of bread and other bits and pieces. **** Paxman: The question is whether it's a chipolata or a Cumberland sausage, I suppose, is it? *** Johnson: This is fantastic to listen to. Enough of this, enough of this, er, gastronomic metaphor. Er. **** Paxman: You started it! *** Johnson: Well, I, I've had enough of it! I— **** Paxman: Haven't you got a city to run? *** Johnson: Say again? **** Paxman: I say haven't you got— *** Johnson: Yeah, I have got a city to run and that's exactly, that's exactly the point! **** Paxman: Well go and do it then! Goodbye! *** Johnson: The government of London, the government of London will carry on irrespective of the, er, temporary difficulties in providing a national government. Thank you. **** Paxman: Bye bye, Boris! ====2011==== * When a regime has been in power too long, when it has fatally exhausted the patience of the people, and when oblivion finally beckons – I am afraid that across the world you can rely on the leaders of that regime to act solely in the interests of self-preservation, and not in the interests of the electorate. ...<br />First-past-the-post has served this country well, and served dozens of other countries well. We would be mad to go to a great deal of trouble and expense to adopt a system that is less fair than the one we have. ...<br />By all means let us have a referendum – the one we were promised, on the [[Lisbon Treaty|Lisbon EU Treaty]]. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/0/av-last-gasp-gordon-browns-bunker-gigantic-fraud/ "AV was a last gasp from Gordon Brown's bunker – and it's a gigantic fraud"] ''The Telegraph'' (28 February 2011) ** Article on the [[w:2011 United Kingdom Alternative Vote referendum|2011 Alternative Vote referendum]] which was held on 5 May 2011. The proposal for AV at the referendum was defeated. ====2012==== * The excitement is growing so much I think the [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] of [[w:2012 Olympic Games|Olympo-mania]] is going to go zoink off the scale. ** On the forthcoming London Olympic Games. ''The Daily Telegraph'', 27 July 2012. * They are like glistening wet otters frolicking. ** Telegraph column, 31 July 2012 ** On woman's beach volleyball at the 2012 Olympic Games. ==== 2013 ==== * It is often useful to give the slight impression that you are deliberately pretending not to know what is going on, because the reality may be that you don't know what is going on, but people won't be able to tell the difference. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01rlx9l Boris Johnson: The Irresistible Rise] (25 March 2013) * If we left the [[European Union|EU]], we would end this sterile debate, and we would have to recognise that most of our problems are not caused by “[[Brussels|Bwussels]]”, but by chronic British short-termism, inadequate management, sloth, low skills, a culture of easy gratification and underinvestment in both human and physical capital and infrastructure. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/10052646/Quitting-the-EU-wont-solve-our-problems-says-Boris-Johnson.html Telegraph article] (12 May 2013) =====Beijing, China (October 2013)===== :<small>'''[http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/oct/14/boris-johnson-charm-offensive-china "Boris Johnson launches charm offensive in China"], ''The Guardian'' (14 October 2013)'''</small> * Now can I ask you a question, "Why is it that we're lucky to have so many Chinese students?" Is it because of the weather? Is it because we have so many French restaurants? Is it because we have so many communist bicycles? [At Beijing's 798 art district, 13 October 2013] * [A demonstration of "cultural interpenetration" between the UK and China] Who, according to [[J. K. Rowling|JK Rowling]], the author of the [[Harry Potter (series)|Harry Potter]] novels, was Harry Potter's first girlfriend? Who is the first person he kisses? That's right, [[w:Cho Chang|Cho Chang]], who is a [[Chinese people|Chinese]] overseas student at Hogwarts school. [...] Ladies and gents I rest my case. [From a speech at [[w:Peking University|Peking university]], 14 October 2013] ==== 2014 ==== * [On deputy prime minister [[Nick Clegg]]] He's there to serve a very important ceremonial function as [[David Cameron]]'s lapdog-cum-prophylactic protection device for all the difficult things that David Cameron has to do that cheese off the rest of the ... [ending absent] He’s a kind of shield. He’s a lapdog who’s been skinned and turned into a shield to protect. ** Interviewed on LBC, as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/london-mayor-election/mayor-of-london/10555489/Nick-Clegg-is-David-Camerons-condom-Boris-Johnson-says.html "Nick Clegg is David Cameron's condom, Boris Johnson says"] ''The Telegraph'' (7 January 2014) ==== 2015 ==== * [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]]'s proxy army was almost certainly guilty of killing the passengers on the Malaysia Airlines jet that came down in [[w:Eastern Ukraine|eastern Ukraine]]. He has questions to answer about the [[w:Death of Alexander Litvinenko|death of Alexander Litvinenko]], pitilessly poisoned in a London restaurant. As for his reign in Moscow, he is allegedly the linchpin of a vast post-Soviet gangster kleptocracy, and is personally said to be the richest man on the planet. Journalists who oppose him get shot. His rivals find themselves locked up. Despite looking a bit like [[w:Dobby the House Elf|Dobby the House Elf]], he is a ruthless and manipulative tyrant. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/12036184/Lets-deal-with-the-Devil-we-should-work-with-Vladimir-Putin-and-Bashar-al-Assad-in-Syria.html "Let’s deal with the Devil: we should work with Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad in Syria"], ''The Telegraph'' (5 December 2015) ==== 2016 ==== * The choice is really quite simple. In favour of staying, it is in Britain’s geo-strategic interests to be pretty intimately engaged in the doings of a continent that has a grim [[20th century|20th-century]] history, and whose agonies have caused millions of [[British people|Britons]] to lose their lives. History shows that they need us. Leaving would be widely read as a very negative signal for Europe. It would dismay some of our closest friends, not least the [[Eastern Europe|eastern Europeans]] for whom the EU has been a force for good: stability, openness, and prosperity.<br />It is also true that the single market is of considerable value to many UK companies and consumers, and that '''leaving would cause at least some business uncertainty, while embroiling the Government for several years in a fiddly process of negotiating new arrangements, so diverting energy from the real problems of this country – low skills, low social mobility, low investment etc – that have nothing to do with Europe.''' ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/eureferendum/12145593/Voters-have-to-ask-Donald-Tusk-some-hard-questions-before-they-accept-his-EU-deal.html "Voters have to ask Donald Tusk some hard questions before they accept his EU 'deal'"] ''The Telegraph'' (7 February 2016) * Think of Britain. Think of the rest of the EU. Think of the future. Think of the desire of your children and your grandchildren to live and work in other European countries; to sell things there, to make friends and perhaps to find partners there. * And then there is the whole geostrategic anxiety. Britain is a great nation, a global force for good. It is surely a boon for the world and for Europe that she should be intimately engaged in the EU. '''This is a market on our doorstep, ready for further exploitation by British firms: the membership fee seems rather small for all that access.''' ** From a draft of a pro-EU newspaper column for ''The Daily Telegraph'' (written 19 February 2016), [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/news/boris-my-case-for-britain-to-stay-in-europe-f7qgrvtps later reproduced in ''All Out War'' by Tim Shipman]. Draft article published as [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/cripes-i-jolly-nearly-backed-dave-on-europe-wbcqd6b6c "Cripes! I jolly nearly backed Dave on Europe"] ''The Sunday Times'' (16 October 2016). Johnson submitted an anti-EU column for publication. * There is only one way to get the change we need - and that is to vote to go; because all EU history shows that they only really listen to a population when it says no. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35634239 EU referendum: Leaving EU a 'leap in the dark' says Cameron] ''BBC News'' (22 February 2016) * They want us to go to the polls in such a state of quivering apprehension that we do the bidding of the Euro-elites, and vote to stay in the European Union. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35685656 EU referendum: Row over '10 years of uncertainty' claim] ''BBC News'' (29 February 2016) * Leaving the EU would be a win-win for all. The EU costs us a huge amount of money and subverts our democracy ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'] ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * [The UK is] big enough and strong enough to stand on its own ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'], ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * Would anyone in their right mind want to join the EU today? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'], ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * You look at the plan to increase the efforts to prop up the single currency with an ever denser system of integration, with more and more regulation about all sorts of social and economic issues which will impact directly on this country, I think the risk is increasingly in staying in the project. I think the best thing we can do is show a lead, show an example and strike out for freedom. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'], ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * The EU is 50 years old, it is going in the wrong direction. It is time for real reform. The only way to get that is to leave. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'] ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * We will be informed by our most important ally that it is in our interests to stay in the EU, no matter how flawed we may feel that organisation to be. Never mind the loss of sovereignty; never mind the expense and the [[bureaucracy]] and the uncontrolled [[immigration]]. The American view is very clear. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35800232 Boris Johnson urges Obama not to intervene in EU debate] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2016) * Something mysterious happened when [[Barack Obama]] entered the [[w:Oval Office|Oval Office]] in 2009. Something vanished from that room, and no one could quite explain why. It was a bust of [[Winston Churchill]] – the great British war time leader. It was a fine goggle-eyed object, done by the brilliant sculptor [[Jacob Epstein]], and it had sat there for almost ten years. But on day one of the Obama administration it was returned, without ceremony, to the British embassy in Washington. No one was sure whether the President had himself been involved in the decision. Some said it was a snub to [[Britain]]. Some said it was a symbol of [[Barack Obama|the part-Kenyan President]]'s ancestral dislike of the British empire – of which Churchill had been such a fervent defender. Some said that perhaps Churchill was seen as less important than he once was. Perhaps his ideas were old-fashioned and out of date. Well, if that's why Churchill was banished from the Oval Office, they could not have been more wrong. ** In a [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/politics/7095695/UK-and-America-can-better-friends-than-ever-Mr-Obama-if-we-LEAVE-the-EU-says-Boris-Johnson.html column for ''The Sun'' newspaper] (22 April 2016). * There was a young fellow from Ankara<br />Who was a terrific wankerer<br />Till he sowed his wild oats<br />With the help of a goat<br />But he didn't even stop to thankera. ** Boris Johnson wins [[Wikipedia:The Spectator|The Spectator]]’s President [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan|Erdogan]] Offensive Poetry competition, 18 May 2016. [http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/05/boris-johnson-wins-the-spectators-president-erdogan-offensive-poetry-competition/] * [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]], Hitler, various people tried this out, and it ends tragically [...] The EU is an attempt to do this by different methods.<br />But fundamentally what is lacking is the eternal problem, which is that there is no underlying loyalty to the idea of Europe. There is no single authority that anybody respects or understands. That is causing this massive democratic void. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/05/14/boris-johnson-the-eu-wants-a-superstate-just-as-hitler-did/ "Boris Johnson: The EU wants a superstate, just as Hitler did"] ''The <!-- Sunday -->Telegraph'' (15 May 2016). ** [[w:Edwin Bramall|Lord Bramall]], former head of the British army said of these comments: "Hitler's main aim was to create an empire in the East and violently subjugate Europeans. Any connection between that and the EU is simply laughable". In reference to Lord Bramall's comments, the then chancellor [[w:George Osborne|George Osborne]], commented: "I think he said what needed to be said about Boris Johnson.". See [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36295208 "EU Referendum: Boris Johnson stands by Hitler EU comparison"] ''BBC News'' (16 May 2016). * After we liberate ourselves from the shackles of Brussels we will be able to create hundreds of thousands of new jobs right across the UK. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36447926 EU referendum: Kinnock urges young voters to prevent 'Brexit by default'] ''BBC News'' (4 June 2016) * '''Take back control of huge sums of money, 350 million pounds a week, and spend it on our priorities such as the [[National Health Service|NHS]].''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMjvG0-dI44 Speaking during the ITV Referendum Debate] (9 June 2016) * Oh shit, we've got no plan. We haven’t thought about it. I didn’t think it would happen. Holy crap, what will we do? ** Reported comments after the vote for 'leave' in the EU referendum result (24 June 2016), as cited by [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]] and Raymond Newell in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-brexit-vote-weve-got-no-plan-7s7nc9xsw ''Johnson at 10: The Inside Story''] (Atlantic Books, 2023). Quote is from an extract published by ''The Times'' (London). * There is no need for haste about severing the UK's ties [with the EU] ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36615028 Brexit: David Cameron to quit after UK votes to leave EU], ''BBC News'' (24 June 2016) * [The UK is] no less united... nor indeed any less European [following the decision to leave the EU]. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36615028 Brexit: David Cameron to quit after UK votes to leave EU] ''BBC News'' (24 June 2016) * It is vital now to see this [Brexit] moment for what it is. This is not a time to quail, it is not a crisis, nor should we see it as an excuse for wobbling or self-doubt, but it is a moment for hope and ambition for Britain. A time not to fight against the tide of history, but to take that tide at the flood, and sail on to fortune. ** During the announcement that he would not run to become Britain's prime minister. A reference to Brutus's "There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune" in ''[[Julius Caesar (play)|Julius Caesar]]''. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/01/world/europe/britain-conservative-party.html] (June 30, 2016) * We can all spend an awfully long time going over lots of stuff that I've written over the last 30 years... all of which in my view have been taken out of context, but never mind... I'm afraid that there is such a rich thesaurus now of things that I have said that have been one way or another, through what alchemy I do not know, somehow misconstrued that it would take me too long to engage in a full global itinerary of apology to all concerned. ** in his first meeting with the press during visit by US Secretary of state John Kerry in July 2016 [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/pmqs-theresa-may-boris-johnson-racist-slur-picanninies-party-kenyan-obama-dodges-question-uk-foreign-a7146126.html "Theresa May dodges question about Boris Johnson's use of racial slurs"], Independent (July 20, 2016); [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/07/20/politics/boris-johnson-john-kerry-presser/index.html "Kerry poker-faced as press takes Johnson to task for 'outright lies'"], CNN (July 20, 2016) ==== 2017 ==== * If [[François Hollande|Monsieur Hollande]] wants to administer punishment beatings to anybody who chooses to escape, rather in the manner of some [[World War II|World War Two]] movie, then I don't think that is the way forward.<br />I think, actually, it's not in the interests of our friends and our partners. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38658998 "Brexit: Boris Johnson warns against 'punishment beatings'"] ''BBC News'' (18 January 2017) * I think [[Rex Tillerson]] is absolutely clear in his view, which is the same as mine. You have got to engage with Russia, but you have got to engage in a very guarded way. You have got to beware of what they are up to. There is no question that, when you look at Russian activity on the cyber front, when you look at what they are doing in the western Balkans, when you look at [[Prelude to the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|what has been happening in the Ukraine]], you've got to be very, very cautious. I think it is entirely right to have a dual track approach. We don't want to get into [[Cold War II|a new Cold War]]. That's something [[London]] and [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] are completely at one on. But nor do we want Russian behaviour to continue as it is - and Rex Tillerson has been very clear about that. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38991070 Boris Johnson says US agrees on need for caution over Russia], ''BBC News'', 16 February 2017 * There is no plan for no deal because we are going to get a great deal, ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-40571123 Boris Johnson: EU can 'go whistle' over Brexit divorce bill], ''BBC News'', 11 July 2017 * There's a group of UK business people, wonderful guys who want to invest in {{W|Sirte}}, on the coast, near where [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]] was actually captured and executed as some of you may have seen. And they literally have a brilliant vision to turn Sirte, with the help of the municipality of Sirte, to turn it into the next {{w|Dubai}}. '''The only thing they've got to do is clear the dead bodies away''' and then they'll be there. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/oct/03/sirte-can-become-a-holiday-destination-if-it-clears-the-dead-bodies-says-johnson Theresa May faces calls to sack Boris Johnson over Libya comments], in ''the Guardian''; published October 4, 2017 * [At a Commons Foreign Affairs Select Committee meeting on 1 November 2017] When I look at what [[w:Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe|Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe]] was doing, she was simply teaching people journalism, as I understand it. [Neither] Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe nor her family has been informed about what crime she has actually committed. And that I find extraordinary, incredible. * [In the Commons on 7 November 2017, after criticism his earlier comments might make Zaghari-Ratcliffe's position worse] My point was that I disagreed with the Iranian view that training journalists was a crime - not that I wanted to lend any credence to Iranian allegations that Mrs Zaghari-Ratcliffe has been engaged in such activity.<br />I accept that my remarks could have been clearer in that respect, and I'm glad to provide this clarification. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-41902883 Boris Johnson sorry if Zaghari-Ratcliffe remarks 'caused anxiety'], ''BBC News'' (7 November 2017). ** The reason for Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe's visit to Iran was for her daughter, Gabriella, to meet her grandparents. ==== 2018 ==== * Ridiculous outcry over [[Toby Young]]. He will bring independence, rigour and caustic wit. Ideal man for job. ** Tweet (3 January 2018) on Young's appointment to the board of the [[w:Office for Students|Office for Students]], the university regulator, as cited in [https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/toby-young-tweets-the-controversial-comments-that-led-to-his-resignation-a3735326.html "Toby Young tweets: the comments that led to his resignation"] ''Evening Standard'' (8 January 2018). ** Toby Young resigned after his extensive twitter history of dubious and sexist tweets received publicity. * [The attack was] a sign [from President Putin that] no-one could escape the long arm of Russian revenge ... [The attack] was a sign that President Putin or the [[Government of Russia|Russian state]] wanted to give to potential defectors in their own agencies: 'This is what happens to you if you decide to support a country with a different set of values. You can expect to be [[Assassination|assassinated]]'. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-43487948 Putin 'will use World Cup like Hitler's Olympics', agrees Johnson], ''BBC News'', 21 March 2018 * If you do that you have to answer the question what next? What if the [[Iran|Iranians]] do rush for a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear weapon]]? Are we seriously saying that we are going to bomb those facilities at Fordo and Natanz? Is that really a realistic possibility? Or do we work round what we have got and push back on Iran together? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44026548 Iran nuclear deal: Johnson courts Trump on Fox & Friends], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2018 * [T]hrow the baby out with the bathwater ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44026548 Iran nuclear deal: Johnson courts Trump on Fox & Friends], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2018 * If he can fix [[North Korea]] and if he can fix the Iran nuclear deal then I don't see why he is any less of a candidate for the [[w:Nobel Peace Prize|Nobel Peace Prize]] than Barack Obama, who got it before he even did anything, ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44026548 Iran nuclear deal: Johnson courts Trump on Fox & Friends], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2018 * I don't see why [[Donald Trump|he's]] any less of a candidate for the {{W|Nobel Peace Prize}} than [[Barack Obama]]. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-us-canada-44034266/boris-johnson-why-trump-could-deserve-nobel-peace-prize Boris Johnson: Why Trump could deserve Nobel Peace Prize] (7 May 2018) * [America wants to see] a confident free-trading Britain able to do its own deals ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44035676 Boris Johnson: No 10's post-Brexit customs plans 'crazy'], ''BBC News'', 8 May 2018 * [A trade deal with America can not be achieved if the UK remained] in the lunar pull of Brussels ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44035676 Boris Johnson: No 10's post-Brexit customs plans 'crazy'], ''BBC News'', 8 May 2018 * [A customs partnership would create] a whole new web of bureaucracy ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44035676 Boris Johnson: No 10's post-Brexit customs plans 'crazy'], ''BBC News'', 8 May 2018 * Fuck business. ** As cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44618154 "Boris Johnson challenged over Brexit business 'expletive'"], ''BBC News'' (26 June 2018). ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2018/06/23/eu-diplomats-shocked-boriss-four-letter-reply-business-concerns/ ''The Telegraph''] reported on 23 June EU diplomats present at a Foreign Office reception for the [[w:Monarch's Official Birthday|Queen's Official Birthday]] had heard Johnson making the comment. It followed a question from the Belgian ambassador about the concerns of business leaders over Brexit. At the same event he was apparently heard commenting about [[Theresa May]]'s attempts for a soft Brexit: "We will fight it and we will win." * [The Brexit] dream is dying, suffocated by needless self-doubt ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44775197 Theresa May's new-look cabinet meets amid Brexit turmoil] ''BBC News'' (10 July 2018) * If you tell me that the [[w:Burqa|burka]] is oppressive, then I am with you. If you say that it is weird and bullying to expect women to cover their faces, then I totally agree – and I would add that I can find no scriptural authority for the practice in the Koran. I would go further and say that it is '''absolutely ridiculous that people should choose to go around looking like letter boxes'''; and I thoroughly dislike any attempt by any – invariably male – government to encourage such demonstrations of "modesty". * If a constituent came to my MP’s surgery with her face obscured, I should feel fully entitled – like [[w:Jack Straw|Jack Straw]] – to ask her to remove it so that I could talk to her properly. If a female student turned up at school or at a university lecture '''looking like a bank robber''' then ditto: those in authority should be allowed to converse openly with those that they are being asked to instruct. * I am against a total ban because it is inevitably construed – rightly or wrongly – as being intended to make some point about Islam. If you go for a total ban, you play into the hands of those who want to politicise and dramatise the so-called [[w:Clash of Civilizations|clash of civilisations]]; and you fan the flames of grievance. You risk turning people into martyrs, and you risk a general crackdown on any public symbols of religious affiliation, and you may simply make the problem worse. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/08/05/denmark-has-got-wrong-yes-burka-oppressive-ridiculous-still/ "Denmark has got it wrong. Yes, the burka is oppressive and ridiculous – but that's still no reason to ban it"] ''The Telegraph'' (5 August 2018) * It [Theresa May's Chequers plan] is a humiliation. We look like a seven-stone weakling being comically bent out of shape by a 500lb gorilla. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45462900 Boris Johnson compares Chequers deal to 'suicide vest'] ''BBC News'' (9 September 2018) * Theresa May's Chequers plan for future relations with the EU would mean] abandoning our seat around the table in Brussels and continuing to accept the single market legislation ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45483679 Boris Johnson says May's Brexit plan 'worse than status quo'] ''BBC News'' (11 September 2018) * [There has been a] collective failure of government, and a collapse of will by the British establishment, to deliver on the mandate of the people. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [The Chequers proposals represented] the intellectual error of believing we can be half-in, half-out ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [A Super Canada deal would involve] zero tariffs and zero quotas [on all imports and exports] ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [A Super Canada deal would involve: mutual recognition agreements covering UK and EU regulations to ensure] conformity of goods with each other's standards ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [The UK should] chuck Chequers ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [There had been a] collective failure of government, and a collapse of will by the British establishment, to deliver on the mandate of the people ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [EU regulations would] cheat the electorate ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * if we get [[w:Brexit|it]] wrong we will be punished ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45722675 Theresa May on why Boris Johnson speech made her cross], ''BBC News'', 2 October 2018 * [I am] grateful to the committee for recognising that there was no intention to mislead the House and that I had been completely transparent ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46467828 Boris Johnson apologises to MPs for failing to declare £52,000 in time], ''BBC News'', 6 December 2018 ==== 2019 ==== * [I] didn't say anything about [[Turkey]] during the referendum. Since I made no remarks...I can't disown them ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46926119 Brexit: Did Boris Johnson talk Turkey during referendum campaign?], ''BBC News'' (18 January 2019) * Take that [Irish border] backstop out, or at the very least give us a legally binding change - within the text of the agreement - that allows for the UK to come out [of the EU] of its own accord, and then we will be able to say that the agreement is imperfect but at least tolerable. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46951202 Brexit: May boxed into comfort zone as options disappear] ''BBC News'' (21 January 2019) * I think an awful lot of money, an awful lot of police time, now goes into these historic offences and all this malarkey and you know '''£60million I saw has been spaffed up the wall on some investigation into historic child abuse?'''<br />What on earth is that going to do to protect the public now? ** [https://www.lbc.co.uk/radio/presenters/nick-ferrari/boris-johnson-historial-child-abuse-investigation/ "Boris Johnson: Historical Child Abuse Investigation Is "Spaffing Money Up The Wall"] ''LBC'' (13 March 2019) * The British people won't be scared into backing a woeful Brexit deal nobody voted for ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47913555 Brexit: Boris Johnson 'wrong on no-deal polling claim'], ''BBC News'', 12 April 2019 * We are being asked to vote for a customs union and a second referendum. The Bill is directly against our manifesto - and I will not vote for it. We can and must do better - and deliver what the people voted for. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48360456 Brexit: PM under fire over new Brexit plan] ''BBC News'' (22 May 2019) * We will leave the EU on 31 October, deal or no deal. The way to get a good deal is to prepare for a no deal. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48403705 Tory leadership: Rivals clash over support for no-deal Brexit], ''BBC News'' (25 May 2019) * [I will beat Labour and] put [[Nigel Farage]] back in his box ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * We will not be forgiven if we do not deliver Brexit on October 31 ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * We need to realise the depth of the problems we face. Unless we get on and do this thing, we will be punished for a very long time. There is a very real choice between getting Brexit done and the potential extinction of this great party. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * I believe I am best placed to lift this party, beat [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and excite people about conservatism and conservative values. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * [The backstop is a "monstrosity" that wipes out the UK's sovereignty and is] being used to coerce the UK into becoming a vassal state of Brussels ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-48583352 Tory leadership hopefuls set out Brexit Irish backstop policy], ''BBC News'' (11 June 2019) * [I am] not aiming for a no-deal [Brexit] outcome ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48602988 Brexit: Boris Johnson says he is 'not aiming for no deal'], ''BBC News'' (12 June 2019) * [I will take the UK out of the EU by Halloween] come what may, do or die ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48767191 Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt divided over Brexit plans], ''BBC News'' (26 June 2019) * If you Brexit sensibly and effectively, you take away so much of the ammunition of the SNP. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-politics-48744493 Tory leadership: Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt on Scotland], ''BBC News'' (27 June 2019) * We should actively campaign for a public understanding of the benefits of the [UK] union, economic and strategic, for the people and its component nations, ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-politics-48817848 Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt pledge to safeguard union], ''BBC News'' (30 June 2019) * '''Interviewer:''' Can you give an example, in your political life, when you've set your own self-interest aside for the benefit of the country?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' Well, er, pfft, um, it's a good question, but er, I, I, I would, you know, I don't, obviously, it's an embarrassing but, but true that, um, er, it is obviously, possible, er, how should I put this, to make more money, er, by not being a full-time politician. Um, I don't, I don't want to put too finer point on it, er, but, you know, you have to, you have to, you have to, make sacrifices sometimes. ** [https://twitter.com/Channel4News/status/1147103540827082754 Conservative Leadership Contest Hustings in Darlington], ''Channel 4 News''/''Twitter'' (5 July 2019) * '''Andrew Neil:''' You talk about article 5B in {{w|GATT 24}}.<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' Article 24, get it right Andrew, it's article 24, paragraph 5B.<br />'''Andrew Neil:''' And how would you handle paragraph 5C?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' I would confide entirely in paragraph 5B.<br />'''Andrew Neil:''' But how would you get round what's in 5C?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' I would confide entirely in paragraph 5B which is enough for out purposes.<br />'''Andrew Neil:''' Do you know what is in 5C?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' No. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-48971407 Andrew Neil tests Boris Johnson's knowledge of GATT 24], ''BBC News'' (12 July 2019) * [I will] deliver Brexit, unite the country and defeat Jeremy Corbyn ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49084605 Boris Johnson wins race to be Tory leader and PM], ''BBC News'' (23 July 2019) * We are going to energise the country. We are going to get Brexit done on 31 October and take advantage of all the opportunities it will bring with a new spirit of can do. We are once again going to believe in ourselves, and like some slumbering giant we are going to rise and ping off the guy ropes of self doubt and negativity. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49084605 Boris Johnson wins race to be Tory leader and PM], ''BBC News'' (23 July 2019) * Under no circumstances would we agree to any free-trade deal that put the NHS on the table. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49107417 Boris Johnson: Premiership will be the start of a golden age], ''BBC News'' (25 July 2019) * We want to, and we are going to, deliver on the mandate of the people, which is to take the UK out of the EU whole and entire on 31 October ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49125078 Boris Johnson 'absolutely' rules out pre-Brexit election], ''BBC News'' (26 July 2019) * [The Irish border backstop would] keep us locked in EU regulatory orbit, locked in the EU trading system, unable to control our own laws ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49280689 Brexit: Boris Johnson calls for 'common sense' compromise], ''BBC News'' (8 August 2019) * Preparing urgently and rapidly for the possibility of an [EU] exit without a deal will be my top priority, and it will be the top priority for the civil service too. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49295556 No-deal Brexit preparations 'top priority', Boris Johnson says], ''BBC News'' (9 August 2019) * MPs should "honour the mandate of the people" by leaving the EU. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49285670 Brexit: Corbyn seeks clarity on 'unconstitutional' election-time no-deal], ''BBC News'' (9 August 2019) * There's a terrible kind of collaboration as it were, going on between people who think they can block Brexit in Parliament and our European friends ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49348072 Boris Johnson: Brexit opponents 'collaborating' with EU], ''BBC News'' (14 August 2019) * [The Irish border backstop is] inconsistent with the sovereignty of the UK ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49402840 Brexit: Boris Johnson says 'anti-democratic' backstop must be scrapped], ''BBC News'' (20 August 2019) * I do think they [the EU] understand there's an opportunity to do a deal. I think it's going to be touch and go. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/brexit-deal-boris-johnson-donald-tusk-meeting-g7-summit-a9078646.html Brexit: Johnson accused of ‘gaslighting’ voters amid claims he offered nothing new in EU meeting], ''The Independent'' (26 August 2019) * I just say to everybody in the country, including everyone in Parliament, the fundamental choice is this: Are you going to side with [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and those who want to cancel the referendum? Are you going to side with those who want to scrub the democratic verdict of the people - and plunge this country into chaos. Or are you going to side with those of us who want to get on, deliver the mandate of the people and focus with absolute, laser-like precision on the domestic agenda? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49540681 Brexit: Michel Barnier rejects demands for backstop to be axed] ''BBC News'' (1 September 2019) * [I would] rather be '''dead in a ditch''' [than ask the EU to delay Brexit beyond 31 October] ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49598118 PM: I'd rather be dead in ditch than delay Brexit] ''BBC News'' (5 September 2019) ** In October 2019 Boris Johnson ''did'' send a request to the EU to delay Brexit in breach of this assurance. * I've looked carefully at no deal, I've assessed its consequences, both for our country and yours, and yes, of course, we could do it, the UK could certainly get through it, but be in no doubt that the outcome would be a failure of statecraft. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-49608822 Johnson tells Varadkar no-deal Brexit 'would be a failure'] ''BBC News'' (9 September 2019) * '''Man:''' The NHS has been destroyed. It's been destroyed. It's been destroyed, and now you come here for a press opportunity.<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' Well actually there's no press here.<br />'''Man:''' ''[Points at camera crew]'' What do you mean there's no press here? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-49740419/boris-johnson-confronted-on-east-london-hospital-visit Boris Johnson confronted on east London hospital visit] (18 September 2019) * I've never heard such humbug in all my life. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-49845762/labour-mp-pm-should-be-ashamed-of-surrender-act-language Response to an MP's description of being subject to death threats and abuse], ''BBC News'' (25 September 2019) * We have got a deal, oven-ready, by which we can leave the EU in a few weeks. It’s a great deal for this country. It delivers everything that I wanted when I campaigned for Brexit **[https://political-lies.co.uk/we-have-got-a-deal-oven-ready-by-which-we-can-leave-the-eu-in-a-few-weeks/ Lies, Falsehoods and Misrepresentations from Boris Johnson to Keir Starmer], ''Political Lies'' (6 November 2019) * Let's get Brexit done, but first my friends let's get breakfast done. ** [https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/boris-johnson-general-election-speech-17414354 'Let's get Brexit done, but first my friends let's get breakfast done' says PM Boris Johnson], ''Manchester Evening News'' (13 December 2019) ** On the morning after 2019 parliamentary election ===2020s=== ====2020==== * I was at a hospital the other night where I think there were a few [[coronavirus]] patients and I shook hands with everybody, you will be pleased to know, and I continue to shake hands. People obviously can make up their own minds but I think the scientific evidence is... our judgement is that [[Hand washing|washing your hands]] is the crucial thing. ** On the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom]], at a press conference, as quoted in ''[https://www.newsweek.com/boris-johnson-says-shaken-hands-coronavirus-patients-1490214 U.K. Leader Boris Johnson Boasts He Has Shaken Hands With Coronavirus Patients]'' by Khaleda Rahman, 3 March 2020, ''{{w|Newsweek}}''. * I want to stress that for the vast majority of the people of this country, we should be going about our business as usual. ** As quoted in ''[https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-51718917 Coronavirus: Up to fifth of UK workers 'could be off sick at same time']'', 3 March 2020, ''{{w|BBC News}}''. * We are embarked now on a great voyage, a project that no one thought in the international community that this country would have the guts to undertake, but if we are brave and if we truly commit to the logic of our mission - open, outward-looking - generous, welcoming, engaged with the world championing global free trade now when global free trade needs a global champion. I believe we can make a huge success of this venture, for Britain, for our European friends, and for the world. ** [https://www.gov.uk/government/speeches/pm-speech-in-greenwich-3-february-2020 Speech at Old Naval College Greenwich after Britain’s departure from the EU, 3rd Feb 2020] * We are telling cafes, bars, pubs and restaurants to close tonight as soon as they reasonably can and not to open tomorrow. To be clear they can continue to provide take out services. Night clubs, theatres, gyms and leisure centres should close on the same time scale. These are places where people come together and indeed the whole purpose is to bring people together. Some people will be tempted to go out tonight. Please don't. You may think you are invincible bit there is no guarantee you will get mild symptoms. As far as possible we want you to stay at home - that's how we can protect our [[National Health Service|NHS]] and save lives. ** Requested the closure of pubs, restaurants, gyms, entertainment venues, museums and galleries that evening due to the coronavirus pandemic, at his daily 5pm press conference on 20 March 2020 [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/global-health/science-and-disease/coronavirus-news-uk-latest-italy-deaths-cases-schools-lockdown/ as quoted in ''The Daily Telegraph'']. * We have so far succeeded in the first and most important task we set ourselves as a nation to avoid the tragedy that engulfed other parts of the world. ** [https://www.gov.uk/government/news/prime-ministers-statement-on-coronavirus-covid-19-30-april-2020 Prime Minister's statement on coronavirus] (30 April 2020) * At this stage I do not think that the international comparisons and the data are yet there to draw the conclusions that we want. ** [https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2020-05-06/debates/FD4CE89E-F564-4D9F-B396-59684C404BB8/PrimeMinister Prime Minister's Questions] (6 May 2020) * I am meant to be in control. I am the Führer. I’m the king who takes the decisions. ** Reported comment as cited by Anthony Seldon and Raymond Newell in ''Johnson at 10: The Inside Story''] (Atlantic Books, 2023) reprinted in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-im-fuhrer-king-dominic-cummings-carrie-symonds-zvsb6txvs "'I’m the Führer, the king': inside Boris Johnson’s chaotic world"] ''The Sunday Times'' (23 April 2023) ** Reported comments (possibly spring 2020) after he returned to work after suffering from [[Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]] in the context of having delegated responsibilities to [[Dominic Cummings]]. * [On the assumption [[w:Carrie Johnson|Carrie Symonds, now Johnson]], had briefed against [[Dominic Cummings]]] She hasn't briefed anyone and my instructions to all were to shut the <!-- as rendered in the source -->f*** up. How is any of us supposed to know where these briefings come from?<br />Look at the claims made on behalf of allies of [[w:Lee Cain|Lee [Cain]]] and Dom, that I'm out in six months, that I can't take decisions, that Carrie is secretly forging lockdown policy, and about a billion equally demented claims. Are you responsible for all that crap? No. Then look at it from my point of view.<br />This is a totally disgusting orgy of narcissism by a government that should be solving a national crisis. ** Last message (November 2020) to Dominic Cummings before his departure from Downing Street, as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/covid-inquiry-live-dominic-cummings-latest-news-boris-johnson-lq3c28v9p "Dominic Cummings attacks Boris Johnson over pandemic response — as it happened"], ''The Times'' (31 October 2023). * [The Conservative Party] thinks the whole thing is pathetic and Covid is just Nature's way of dealing with old people – and I am not entirely sure I disagree with them. A lot of moderate people think it is a bit too much. ** Reported comment to Sir [[w:Patrick Vallance|Patrick Vallance]] (recorded in his notes) during December 2020 revealed at the [[w:UK Covid-19 Inquiry|UK's COVID Inquiry]], as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/31/natures-way-of-dealing-with-old-people-the-damning-messages-revealed-to-covid-inquiry "'Nature’s way of dealing with old people': the damning messages revealed to Covid inquiry"], ''The Guardian'' (31 October 2023). ====2021==== * We have to recognise that the old concepts of fighting big tank battles on European land mass are over, and there are other, better things we should be investing in, in [[w:Future Combat Air System (UK)|FCAS]], in the future combat air system, in cyber, this is how warfare in the future is going to be. ** At the [[w:Liaison Committee (House of Commons of the United Kingdom)|Liaison Committee of the House of Commons]] (17 November 2021) in response to [[w:Tobias Ellwood|Tobias Ellwood]] (Conservative MP and chairman of the [[w:Defence Select Committee|Defence Select Committee]]) querying a decline in British army tank deployment, cited in [https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2022/02/watch-boris-johnson-claimed-the-days-of-big-tank-battles-in-europe-were-over "WATCH: Boris Johnson claimed the days of big tank battles in Europe were over"] ''New Statesman'' (25 February 2022) ** At the time, Russian tanks were gathering on the Ukrainian border prior to the [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russian invasion of Ukraine]] on 24 February 2022. * No more fucking [[w:COVID-19 lockdown in the United Kingdom|lockdowns]] - let the bodies pile high in their thousands. ** Reportedly said by Johnson in a government meeting in October 2021, as cited in [https://www.reuters.com/world/uk/uk-denies-report-that-pm-johnson-said-let-bodies-pile-high-2021-04-26/ "UK denies that Johnson said 'let the bodies pile high'"] ''Reuters'' (26 April 2022) ** Denied by Number 10. First reported by the ''Daily Mail'', the statement was corroborated by other sources * I repeat, Mr. Speaker, that I have been repeatedly assured since these allegations emerged that there was no party, and that no COVID rules were broken. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-59580640 Statement in the House of Commons] (8 December 2021) * I can tell you; I DO brush it! I have a comb in my office! ** Johnson to BBC Reporter (2021) ** On his untidy hair. ====2022==== * I believed implicitly that this was a work event. But Mr. Speaker, with hindsight, I should have sent everyone back inside, I should have found some other way to thank them, and I should have recognised that even if it could be said technically to fall within the guidelines, there would be millions and millions of people who simply would not see it that way. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-59969631 Statement in the House of Commons] (12 January 2022) * I am not going to mince my words. I have got to say this. [[Keir Starmer|Sir Beer Korma]] is currently failing to hold himself to the same high standards that he demanded of me. **In a Commons debate on the [[w:Partygate|Partygate]] scandal where Keir Starmer was also under investigation for [[w:Beergate|a curry event during COVID-19 restrictions]]. * [I]f we took away the whip from everyone here [in the House of Commons] who's pinched someone's bottom, we'll lose our majority. ** Said "in the heat of the moment", according to Johnson's former communications director [[w:Guto Harri|Guto Harri]] reportedly during the [[w:Chris Pincher scandal|Chris Pincher scandal]] (c. July 2022), as cited in [https://www.politico.eu/article/boris-johnson-joked-tories-would-lose-majority-if-they-sacked-every-groper-claims-ex-aide/ "Boris Johnson joked UK Tories would lose majority if they sacked every groper, claims ex-aide"], ''Politico'' (15 June 2023) ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/chris-pincher-grope-allegations-boris-johnson-b2114609.html According to Dominic Cummings], Johnson had used the phrase "Pincher by name, pincher by nature" about the MP around 2020. * It is clearly now the [[will]] of the parliamentary [[Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] that there should be a new leader of that party and therefore a new prime minister. … I know that there will be many people who are relieved and perhaps quite a few who will also be disappointed. And I want you to know how sad I am to be giving up the best job in the [[world]]. But them's the breaks. … I want to thank you, the British public, for the immense [[privilege]] that you have given me. And I want you to know that from now on until the new prime minister is in place, your interests will be served and the [[government]] of [[United Kingdom|the country]] will be carried on. ** Quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/07/07/boris-johnson-resignation-speech-downing-street-prime-minister/ "Boris Johnson’s resignation speech: full transcript" by Phoebe Southworth, in ''The Telegraph'' (7 July 2022)] ====2023==== * He [Vladimir Putin] threatened me at one point, and he said, "Boris, I don't want to hurt you but, with a missile, it would only take a minute" or something like that. Jolly.<br />But I think from the very relaxed tone that he was taking, the sort of air of detachment that he seemed to have, he was just playing along with my attempts to get him to negotiate. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-64397745 "Ukraine: Boris Johnson says Putin threatened him with missile strike"] ''BBC News'' (30 January 2023) ** Account of a phone call in February 2022 shortly before the [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russian invasion of Ukraine]] in a BBC documentary series (''Putin vs the West'') on [[Vladimir Putin|President Putin]]'s contacts with world leaders. A Kremlin spokesman is reported to have described Johnson's account as "a lie". * To those who say we may be denuding our own arsenals by giving the support, I say what is the point in deploying tanks and planes in North Carolina or North Rhine-Westphalia when Ukrainians could be using them now, where they are needed to help assure our collective security for decades? ** From a speech delivered to the [[w:Atlantic Council|Atlantic Council]] cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/feb/01/boris-johnson-calls-on-us-to-give-ukraine-fighter-planes "Boris Johnson calls on US to give Ukraine fighter planes"] ''The Guardian'' (1 February 2023) * I believe that, once this war is done, once the Ukrainians have won, then yes they should begin the process of induction both to Nato and to the EU. ** From the same speech delivered to the [[w:Atlantic Council|Atlantic Council]] cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/boris-johnson-brexit-ukraine-kyiv-france-b2273919.html "Brexit allowed UK to 'do things differently' in supporting Ukraine, says Johnson"] ''The Independent'' (2 February 2023) * I have received a letter from the Privileges Committee making it clear - much to my amazement - that they are determined to use the proceedings against me to drive me out of Parliament. They have still not produced a shred of evidence that I knowingly or recklessly misled the Commons. They know perfectly well that when I spoke in the Commons, I was saying what I believed sincerely to be true and what I had been briefed to say, like any other minister. They know that I corrected the record as soon as possible; and they know that I and every other senior official and minister - including the current Prime Minister and then occupant of the same building, [[Rishi Sunak]] - believed that we were working lawfully together. I have been an MP since 2001. I take my responsibilities seriously. I did not lie, and I believe that in their hearts, the Committee know it. But they have wilfully chosen to ignore the truth, because from the outset, their purpose has not been to discover the truth, or genuinely to understand what was in my mind when I spoke in the Commons. Their purpose from the beginning has been to find me guilty, regardless of the facts. This is the very definition of a kangaroo court. Most members of the Committee - especially the chair - had already expressed deeply prejudicial remarks about my guilt before they had even seen the evidence. They should have recused themselves. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-65863336 "Resignation statement in full as Boris Johnson steps down"], ''BBC News'' (9 June 2023) ====2024–present==== * [In March 2021, I] had commissioned some work on whether it might be technically feasible to launch an aquatic raid on a warehouse in Leiden, in the Netherlands, and to take that which was legally ours and which the UK desperately needed. * [After consultations] I secretly agreed with what they all thought, but did not want to say aloud: that the whole thing was nuts. ** Passages from ''[[w:Unleashed (book)|Unleashed]]'', as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/sep/27/boris-johnson-considered-raid-dutch-warehouse-seize-covid-vaccine "Boris Johnson: we considered 'aquatic raid' on Netherlands to seize Covid vaccine"], ''The Guardian'' (28 September 2024) ** The [[w:Oxford–AstraZeneca COVID-19 vaccine|AstraZeneca]] vaccine for COVID was at the centre of an argument over exports with the [[European Union|EU]] at the time. Former ministers who had worked with Johnson at the time suggested to [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2024/sep/28/senior-tories-cast-doubt-over-boris-johnsons-plan-to-invade-the-netherlands ''The Observer''] that the former prime minister may simply have put forward such proposals as a joke with the intention of including the proposal in his eventual memoirs. * Frankly, once I pulled the carpets out of the flat in No 11, which is where we lived … the whole thing was looking a bit like a crack den, to be totally honest, and it needed to be refurbished. ** From an interview on LBC (8 October 2024), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/boris-johnson-downing-street-crack-den-bqq83dvfw "Boris Johnson says Downing Street flat looked like a crack den"], ''The Times'' (8 October 2024) ** Defending the refurbishment of the flat, controversial at time because of the cost and (originally) opaque funding, which was formerly occupied by Johnson's predecessor, Theresa May, and her husband. * We're waging a proxy war ([[Russian invasion of Ukraine]]), but we're not giving our proxies the ability to do the job. For years now, we've been allowing them to fight with one hand tied behind their backs and it has been cruel. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2024/11/28/uk-troops-should-help-defend-ukraine-border-in-ceasefire/ Our troops should help defend Ukraine’s border in possible ceasefire, says Boris Johnson] ([https://archive.is/cPxLo Archived]), ''Telegraph'' (28 November 2024) == Attributed == * [On [[George W. Bush]]] What has brought so many folk on to the streets, however, is a much broader case: '''the President is a cross-eyed [[Texas|Texan]] warmonger, unelected, inarticulate, who epitomises the arrogance of [[Foreign policy of the United States|American foreign policy]]''' and who by his violent and ill-thought-out actions in Afghanistan and Iraq has made the world a more dangerous place.<br />In so far as this may be an accurate representation of the marchers' beliefs, it deserves an answer. Let us dispense with the trivial abuse. The President was duly elected. He cannot help his buzzard-like appearance. Whatever the deficiencies of his syntax, they do not justify the loathing in which he is held. ** Unsigned editorial titled [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/infantile-resentment/ "Infantile resentment"], ''The Spectator'' (22 November 2003), p. 7. ** Multiple sources attribute this column to Johnson (usually by citing the passage in bold): [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1557548/Boris-Johnson-in-quotes.html ''The Telegraph''] (London, 2007 [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/london-mayor-election/mayor-of-london/8095693/Boris-Johnsons-verbal-gaffes.html and] 2010), [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2016/07/boris-johnsons-foreign-strained-relations/491237/ ''The Atlantic''] (2016), and [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/07/23/stupefying-ignorance-what-boris-johnson-said-about-trump-when-he-wasnt-being-so-diplomatic/ ''The Washington Post''] (2019). * With friends like these, who needs [[Yemen|Yemenis]]? ** At a summit about the civil war in Yemen, [https://www.ft.com/content/4060a7e0-9972-11e7-a652-cde3f882dd7b ''Financial Times''] (19 September 2017) == Quotes about Boris Johnson == [[File:Baroness_Brenda_Hale.jpg|thumb|The Prime Minister's advice to Her Majesty was unlawful, void and of no effect ~ {{w|Brenda Marjorie Hale}}]] [[File:Joe_Biden_(48554137807)_(cropped).jpg|thumb|Boris Johnson, who is kind of a physical and emotional clone of the president [Donald Trump] ~ [[Joe Biden]]]] [[File:David_Davis_2016.jpg|thumb|In the name of God go ~ [[David Davis]]]] :<small>'''Listed in chronological order.'''</small> ===1982–2006=== * Boris sometimes seems affronted when criticised for what amounts to a gross failure of responsibility. * I think he honestly believes that it is churlish of us not to regard him as an exception, one who should be free of the network of obligation which binds everyone else. ** {{w|Martin Hammond}}, [https://www.itv.com/news/2019-07-23/boris-johnson-who-the-man-really-is-according-to-those-who-know-him/ writing to Johnson's father Stanley], reporting on his conduct as a pupil at {{w|Eton College}} (April 1982). * Boris was told to engage his brain before speaking in future. ** Conservative Party official, quoted in "Black Dog", ''The Mail on Sunday'' (12 September 2004) p. 26 * You are a self-centred, pompous twit. Even your body language on [[Television|TV]] is pathetic. Get out of public life. Go and do something in the private sector. ** Paul Bigley (brother of murdered hostage, [[w:Kenneth Bigley|Kenneth Bigley]]) to Johnson on Radio City in Liverpool. Quoted in Nigel Bunyan, "Have we got views for you, Mr Johnson", ''The Daily Telegraph'' (21 October 2004) p. 3 * Boris Johnson, people always ask me the same question, they say, 'Is Boris a very very clever man pretending to be an idiot?' And I always say, 'No.' ** [[Ian Hislop]] on ''[[w:Parkinson (TV series)|Parkinson]]'' (19 November 2006). *Boris Johnson voted in favour of scrapping section 28, although he had previously compared gay marriage to bestiality in a book he published, and referred to gay men as "tank-topped bumboys" while working as a journalist. **[https://shop.workingclasshistory.com/collections/books/products/working-class-history-everyday-acts-resistance-rebellion-book ''Working Class History''] (2020) ===2012–2018=== * Most politicians are ambitious and ruthless, but Boris is a gold medal egomaniac. I would not trust him with my wife nor – from painful experience – my wallet. It is unnecessary to take any moral view about his almost crazed infidelities, but it is hard to believe that any man so conspicuously incapable of controlling his own libido is fit to be trusted with controlling the country.<br />His chaotic public persona is not an act – he is, indeed, manically disorganised about everything except his own image management. He is also a far more ruthless, and frankly nastier, figure than the public appreciates. * I would not take Boris's word about whether it is Monday or Tuesday. ** [[w:Max Hastings|Max Hastings]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/oct/10/boris-johnson-unfit-to-be-prime-minister "Boris Johnson: brilliant, warm, funny – and totally unfit to be PM"] ''The Guardian'' (10 October 2012), reprinted (in an edited form) from "If Boris ever becomes PM, I'm on the first plane out of Britain" ''Daily Mail'' (9 October 2012) * What does that say about you Boris Johnson? Aren't you in fact making up quotes, lying to your party leader, wanting to be part of someone being physically assaulted...'''you're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?''' ** Interviewed by [[Eddie Mair]], a stand-in presenter on ''[[w:The Andrew Marr Show|The Andrew Marr Show]]'', cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/iv-drip/transcript-eddie-mair-grills-boris-johnson-on-the-andrew-marr-show-8547356.html "Transcript: Eddie Mair grills Boris Johnson on the Andrew Marr Show"] ''The Independent'' (24 March 2013). ** References to [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/revealed-boris-johnson-s-piers-gaveston-porkies/ false quotes Johnson attributed] to historian [[w:Colin Lucas|Colin Lucas]] (his godfather; Johnson was fired from ''The Times''); [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2004/nov/14/uk.conservatives lying to] Conservative leader [[w:Michael Howard|Michael Howard]] about his affair with Petronella Wyatt (he was sacked from his post as shadow arts minister) and [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/darius-boris-and-a-blast-from-the-past-1658043.html his telephone conversation in 1990] with Old Etonian friend [[w:Darius Guppy|Darius Guppy]] who wanted another journalist beaten up and asked Johnson for the man's personal details. * There's no point trying to contain Boris. He's mayor of London, he can speak out if he wants to ** [[David Cameron]] as quoted in [http://www.politics.co.uk/news/2012/10/07/cameron-s-heir-pm-sees-bright-future-for-boris "Cameron's heir? PM sees bright future for Boris by Alex Stevenson at ''Politics''] (7 October 2013). * The book reads as if it was dictated, not written. All the way through we hear Boris's voice; it’s like being cornered in the Drones Club and harangued for hours by [[w:Bertie Wooster|Bertie Wooster]]. ** [[Richard J. Evans]] [https://web.archive.org/web/20141120123807/https://www.newstatesman.com/books/2014/11/one-man-who-made-history-another-who-seems-just-make-it-boris-churchill "'One man who made history' by another who seems just to make it up: Boris on Churchill"] ''New Statesman'' (13 November 2014). ** From a review of Johnson's book ''[[w:The Churchill Factor|The Churchill Factor: How One Man Made History]]'' (Hodder & Stoughton, October 2014) * Mr. Johnson ... made his name in Brussels not with honest reporting but with extreme euroskepticism, tirelessly attacking, mocking and denigrating the European Union. He wrote about European Union plans to take over Europe, ban Britain’s favorite potato chips, standardize condom sizes and blow up its own asbestos-filled headquarters. These articles were undoubtedly colorful but they bore scant relation to the truth. ** [[w:Martin Fletcher|Martin Fletcher]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/22/opinion/who-is-to-blame-for-brexits-appeal-british-newspapers.html "Who Is to Blame for Brexit's Appeal? British Newspapers"], ''The New York Times'' (21 June 2016) * I have come, reluctantly, to the conclusion that Boris cannot provide the leadership or build the team for the task ahead. ** [[Michael Gove]] [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/jun/30/goves-leadership-bid-statement-in-full "Gove's leadership bid statement in full"] ''The Guardian'' (30 June 2016) ** Gove unexpectedly became a candidate to succeed [[David Cameron]] as prime minister and Conservative party leader after Cameron's resignation following the announcement of the [[w:2016 United Kingdom European Union membership referendum|European Union membership referendum]]'s 'leave' result on 24 June 2016. * I am surprised and disappointed that you have chosen to repeat the figure of £350 million per week, in connection with the amount that might be available for extra public spending when we leave the European Union. This confuses gross and net contributions. It also assumes that payments currently made to the UK by the EU, including for example for the support of agriculture and scientific research, will not be paid by the UK government when we leave. It is a clear misuse of official statistics. ** [https://www.statisticsauthority.gov.uk/correspondence/use-of-350million-per-week-figure-to-describe-uks-financial-contributions-to-the-eu/ "Open letter to Boris Johnson"] from {{w|David Norgrove}}, Chair of the {{w|UK Statistics Authority}} (17 September 2017)<ref>{{Cite web|last=Norgrove|first=David|url=https://www.statisticsauthority.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Letter-from-Sir-David-Norgrove-to-Foreign-Secretary.pdf|title=Letter from Sir David Norgrove to Foreign Secretary|date=17 September 2017|access-date=1 April 2020|website={{w|UK Statistics Authority}}}}</ref> * He has turned being an upper-class buffoon into an art form. ** [[Emily Thornberry]] in an [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SSwxQD2_os&feature=emb_rel_end interview with Owen Jones], ''The Guardian'' (10 October 2017). * Not in my lifetime has there been a politician with less substance inflicting greater national damage. ** [[Oliver Kamm]] [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnsons-big-idea-on-brexit-is-just-preposterous-th6hwmgtq "Boris Johnson’s big idea on Brexit is just preposterous"] ''The Times'' (14 February 2018). ** Kamm was born in 1963. * I've made an assessment of him over many years. He is a shallow populist – manifestly unsuitable for high office – who would undoubtedly be a disaster for the country and bring doom to the Conservative Party. ** [[Dominic Grieve]] (former Conservative Attorney General), as cited in [https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/brexit-news-dominic-grieve-boris-johnson-people-s-vote-34060/ "Dominic Grieve: 'Boris is a shallow populist'"], ''The New European'' (10 October 2018). ===2019–2020=== * I know that within the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Tory party]] the hard [[Brexit|Brexiteers]] are compared to the leaders of the [[French Revolution|French revolution]]. I think [[Michael Gove|Gove]] is [[Jacques Pierre Brissot|Brissot]], and Boris Johnson is [[Georges Danton|Danton]], and [[Jacob Rees-Mogg|Rees-Mogg]] is compared to [[Robespierre]]. We should not forget that the efforts of these men were not appreciated by the common man they claimed to represent – because they all ended up on the [[guillotine]]. So that’s important to remind [them]. ** [[Guy Verhofstadt]], [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/brexit-eu-parliament-brexiteers-guillotine-guy-verhofstadt-jacob-rees-mogg-erg-a8775281.html Brexit: Guy Verhofstadt suggests Leave campaigners could ‘end up on the guillotine’] * You just don't care for anything because you're spoilt. You have no care for money or anything. ** {{w|Carrie Symonds}}, in a [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/jun/21/police-called-to-loud-altercation-at-boris-johnsons-home recording of an altercation between her and Johnson], made by their neighbours (21 June 2019). * Boris is an intellectual. They are rare among PMs. [[Gordon Brown]] was one, as was [[Arthur Balfour|A J Balfour]] at the beginning of the 20th century. Boris should write a book a year to keep his mind engaged and active. * Boris will be the most fun prime minister since [[Harold Wilson]]. We need that quality back into the heart of the nation and recognise that quality of life matters as much as economic [[statistics]]. * Boris is a big man who doesn’t bear grudges. He should have a broad-based government of all talents. Once Brexit is resolved, there'll be long overdue challenges to solve. * We must let Boris be Boris — and watch the fun begin. ** [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]] [https://www.standard.co.uk/evening-standard/comment/comment/build-a-team-to-do-the-hard-graft-then-let-boris-be-boris-and-watch-the-fun-at-no-10-a4195396.html "Build a team to do the hard graft, then let Boris be Boris and watch the fun at No 10"] ''Evening Standard'' (22 July 2019) * Good man, he's tough and he's smart. They're saying "Britain Trump", they call him "Britain Trump". ** [[Donald Trump]] [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-us-canada-49090804/trump-on-johnson-they-call-him-britain-trump speaking to conservative high school students in Washington] (23 July 2019). * A clownish figure with silly hair and a passing relationship with the truth. ** [[John Oliver]] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXyO_MC9g3k on his show, Last Week Tonight] (28 July 2019). Quoted by ''[[w:Vanity Fair|Vanity Fair]]''. [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/07/john-oliver-last-week-tonight-boris-johnson-donald-trump John Oliver Explains Why Boris Johnson Is Not the Same as Donald Trump] (29 July 2019). * 90,000 Conservative members, whose views have become more extreme as their numbers have fallen, recently selected Boris Johnson as their new leader, and thus as the country's new prime minister. In doing so, they have chosen a mendacious chancer. It is no exaggeration to say that Johnson has lied his way to the top, first in journalism and then in politics. ** [[Chris Patten]], former chairman of the Conservative Party, writing in an opinion column entitled [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/britain-brexit-failed-state-by-chris-patten-2019-08 "Is Britain Becoming a Failed State?"] (20 August 2019). * The Prime Minister's advice to Her Majesty was unlawful, void and of no effect. ** Statement by {{w|Brenda Marjorie Hale}}, then {{w|President of the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom}}, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49810680 on Boris Johnson's prorogation of Parliament] (24 September 2019). * Feel a bit sick at Jo's name being used in this way. ** [https://twitter.com/MrBrendanCox/status/1176958217122983938 Brendan Cox on Johnson's assertion that getting Brexit done would honour the memory of his murdered wife] (25 September 2019). * My brother is using words like surrender and capitulation as if the people standing in the way of the blessed will of the people as defined by 17.4m votes in 2016 should be hung, drawn, quartered, tarred and feathered. I think that is highly reprehensible language to use. ** {{w|Rachel Johnson}} speaking on [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/sep/26/boris-johnson-refuses-to-apologise-for-language-about-jo-cox Sky News] (26 September 2019). *The thing about the greased piglet is that he manages to slip through other people’s hands where mere mortals fail. ** {{w|David Cameron}} [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/oct/17/greased-piglet-boris-johnson-could-pass-deal-says-david-cameron 'Greased piglet' Boris Johnson could pass deal, says David Cameron] ''The Guardian'' (17 October 2019). * The Prime Minister of our nation will, at times, have to stand up to President Trump, President Putin, President Xi of China. So it is surely not expecting too much that he spend half an hour standing up to me. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2019-50679252 "General election 2019: Andrew Neil issues interview challenge to Johnson"] (5 December 2019). * Look what happens when the Labour party moves so, so far to the left. It comes up with ideas that are not able to be contained within a rational basis quickly. You're also going to see people saying, my God, Boris Johnson, who is kind of a physical and emotional clone of the president, is able to win. ** [[Joe Biden]] speaking at [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/dec/13/democrats-labour-biden-bernie-sanders-warren a campaign fundraiser in San Francisco] (14 December 2019). * The Boris Johnson [[w:Premiership of Boris Johnson|government]]'s initial [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic|response to COVID-19]] was the now discredited policy of "[[herd immunity]]" — the strategy of letting [[COVID-19|the virus]] rip through the [[w:Demography of the United Kingdom|population]], infecting up to 40 million people, most of whom would recover and then supposedly be [[w:Immunity (medical)|immune]] to the virus. The only problem was that this would have resulted in hundreds of thousands of [[COVID-19 pandemic deaths|deaths]] — a prospect the Tories had to abandon in the face of expert denunciation and widespread public outrage. Johnson's change of tack was to move finally towards [[w:COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns#United Kingdom|lockdown]], [[w:Social distancing measures related to the COVID-19 pandemic|advising against mass gatherings]] and urging people to avoid clubs, pubs, and restaurants — and most travel — as well as advising older people to [[w:Isolation (health care)#Self-isolation|self isolate]]. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], [https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression ""Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression"] co-written with Phil Hearse (20 March 2020) ''Mutiny'' * According to the [[Tedros Adhanom|Director-General of the WHO]], the choice to abandon systematic [[COVID-19 testing|testing]] and [[w:COVID-19 surveillance|contract tracing]], which were effective in [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in South Korea|Korea]] and [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Taiwan|Taiwan]], was a major mistake that contributed to the [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019#Transmission|spread of the virus]] in virtually every country. The ultimate cause of this alarming delay were strategic choices. [...] Other countries waited far too long to react, largely on the basis of the {{w|fatalist}} and crypto-[[w:Social Darwinism|Darwinian]] strategy of "[[herd immunity]]." Boris Johnson's [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom|United Kingdom]] was entirely passive in its initial [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom#Government response|approach]]. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (28 March 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}''. * What I would say to people is, the prime minister's got very, very difficult choices to make, and I would encourage all members of the public and MPs to listen extremely carefully to what the prime minister says today and over coming days ** [[Steve Baker]] according to [https://news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-boris-johnson-to-announce-month-long-lockdown-across-england-sky-news-understands-12119859 "Coronavirus: Boris Johnson to announce month-long lockdown across England, Sky News understands"] Sky News (31 October 2020). * The most accomplished liar in public life — perhaps the best liar ever to serve as prime minister. * He has mastered the use of error, omission, exaggeration, diminution, equivocation and flat denial. He has perfected casuistry, circumlocution, false equivalence and false analogy. He is equally adept at the ironic jest, the fib and the grand lie; the weasel word and the half-truth; the hyperbolic lie, the obvious lie, and the bullshit lie – which may inadvertently be true. And because he has been so famous for this skill for so long, he can use his reputation to ascend to new levels of playful paradox. ** [[Rory Stewart]] [https://www.the-tls.co.uk/articles/boris-johnson-tom-bower-book-review-rory-stewart/ "Lord of misrule"] ''The Times Literary Supplement'' (6 November 2020), in a review of Tom Bower ''Boris Johnson: The Gambler'' (WH Allen); quote also reproduced in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/live/2020/nov/05/uk-coronavirus-live-uk-rishi-sunak-furlough-details-covid-latest-updates?page=with:block-5fa3dce78f08578732a635a5 "UK coronavirus: Sweden and Germany put on quarantine list; Johnson raises Christmas hopes - as it happened"] ''The Guardian'' (5 November 2020) *Calling Johnson’s radicalism “[[Far-right politics|hard right]]” might sound overdrawn. He did not set out to lead the party further to the right or, indeed, to lead it anywhere. His primary aim was to lead the party. Finding a label for his outlook is accordingly in one way pointless. Like [[Donald Trump|Trump]], he has no settled outlook. Nor is he unique in that regard among British Conservatives. Since the end of the [[Cold War]] and the collapse of [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]], the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] has had no clear viewpoint. [[w:Euroscepticism in the United Kingdom|Anti-Europeanism]], which appeared to fill the gap, was negative and temporary. Lacking aims or content of its own, Johnson’s radicalism lies in his forceful, hard-right style, with its disregard for familiar [[Liberal democracy|liberal-democratic]] norms and its claims to speak for “the people” against the [[Elite|elites]] and [[institutions]]. As a superbly skilled “trimmer,” Johnson is suited to improvisation by character and driven to it by predicament. Britain’s divided hard right, which he took over and found himself having to manage, promised implausibly to please both global-minded business and voters fed up with neglected public services, insecure work, and lack of housing. ** [[w:Edmund Fawcett|Edmund Fawcett]] ''Conservatism: The Fight for a Tradition'' (2020), p. 349 ===2021–2022=== * From the start Johnson has been a clown, but a useful clown. Now and then he has to be sacked, but he is always taken back, perhaps with a mock sigh. He has never quite equalled the stream of lies that he manufactured as ''Daily Telegraph'' correspondent in Brussels in the early 1990s: that the EU wanted to ban prawn cocktail crisps and British sausages, and to standardise the size of condoms because Italians had smaller penises. Week after week, he produced juicy fibs which had news editors on other papers demanding similar stuff from their own reporters in Brussels. [[Conrad Black]], then the owner of the ''Telegraph'' and himself on the receiving end of several Johnson lies, was delighted. When Johnson was about to become prime minister in the summer of 2019, Black saluted his old employee, who "was such an effective correspondent for us in Brussels that he greatly influenced British opinion on this country's relations with Europe". ** [[Ferdinand Mount]] [https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v43/n09/ferdinand-mount/ruthless-and-truthless "Ruthless and Truthless"], ''London Review of Books'' 43:9 (6 May 2021) * [Response to Q1109] Fundamentally, the reason for all these problems was bad policy, bad decisions, bad planning and bad operational capability. It doesn't matter that you have great people doing communications if the Prime Minister changes his mind 10 times a day, and then calls up the media and contradicts his own policy, day after day after day. You are going to have a communications disaster zone. Few things are discussed more inaccurately than communications * [Response to Q1126] nobody could find a way around the problem of the Prime Minister just, like a shopping trolley, smashing from one side of the aisle into the other. * [Response to Q1194] The heart of the problem was fundamentally I regarded him as unfit for the job. ** [[Dominic Cummings]], as cited in [https://committees.parliament.uk/oralevidence/2249/html/ Oral evidence to the Health and Social Care and Science and Technology Committees of the House of Commons] (26 May 2021). * The [[w:Culture war#2012–present: Broadening of the culture war|culture wars]] suit the Johnson way of doing things [...] He's good at things that involve short, memorable slogans and showmanship. Is he good at [[w:NHS Test and Trace|test and trace]]? Not conspicuously so. Is he good at [[w:Personal protective equipment|PPE]]? No. Is he good at [[w:COVID-19 lockdown in the United Kingdom|lockdown timing]]? Absolutely not. But the thing that he's quite good at is spotting a dividing line. ** [[Matthew d'Ancona]] [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/jun/13/everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-the-culture-wars-but-were-afraid-to-ask "Everything you wanted to know about the culture wars – but were afraid to ask"], ''The Observer'' (13 June 2021) * He rewrites reality in his mind afresh according to the moment’s demands. He lies — so blatantly, so naturally, so regularly — that there is no real distinction possible with him, as there is with normal people, between truth and lies. * He [Johnson] is totally untrusted by anybody in No 10 yet has a superpower for making people feel sorry for him — "I feel sorry for him like my old dead-beat boyfriend, I hate myself for it but I can’t help it," said one in despair after a particularly dreadful meeting. ** [[Dominic Cummings]]' newsletter, as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/when-boris-johnson-needs-friends-hell-be-alone-rcdz9q60l "When Boris Johnson needs friends, he’ll be alone"], ''The Times'' (8 July 2021) * His natural instinct is not to be open, not to be transparent, not to be accountable, but narcissitically to think 'what suits me, how can I extricate myself from this awkward situation, by what means can I arrogate blame somewhere else?' ** [[John Bercow]] [https://www.indy100.com/politics/john-bercow-gmb-boris-johnson-b1973492 ''Good Morning Britain''] (10 December 2021). * I expect my leaders to shoulder the responsibility for the actions they take. Yesterday, he did the opposite of that. So I'll remind him of a quotation, altogether too familiar to him, of [[Leo Amery]] to [[Neville Chamberlain]], "You have sat there too long, for all the good you have done, in the name of God go." ** [[David Davis]], [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-60056482 addressing Johnson at Prime Minister's Questions] (19 January 2022). * Most politicians, as far as I can work out, are pretty incompetent, and then have a veneer of competence, you do seem to do it the other way around. * Right now a visit of Boris Johnson in [[w:Kyiv|Kyiv]] started from one-on-one meeting with [[President Zelenskyy]] **  [[w:Andrii Sybiha|Andriy Sybiha]], deputy head of [[Ukraine]]’s president office, said on [[Facebook]] [https://asia.nikkei.com/Politics/Ukraine-war/Ukraine-war-Free-to-read/Ukraine-latest-Boris-Johnson-visits-Kyiv-to-discuss-more-aid-with-Zelenskyy Ukraine latest: Boris Johnson visits Kyiv to discuss more aid with Zelenskyy] (9 April 2022). *This would '''activate the Queen'''. Lascelles Principles will direct her to decline his request for a dissolution. She then is left with the choice to dismiss him or not. **Jack Hadfield, history correspondent and deputy diary editor of ''The Times'', on the hypothetical scenario that Johnson would lose a vote of no confidence but refuse to resign. [https://x.com/i/status/1544658518162161664 Twitter] (6 July 2022). As quoted in ''[https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2022/07/boris-johnson-scandal-activate-the-queen Vanity Fair]''. * Now think of Boris Johnson. All of these feelings will apply to him. He is going to be [[Edward Heath|Heath]] with jokes added in, and [[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] with consistency taken out, all rolled into a bundle of resentment, denial, attention-seeking and attempted vindication that will be a permanent nightmare for the new prime minister. That he wants revenge on Rishi Sunak is already apparent, but if [[Liz Truss]] is elected, she will face the identical problem. The chances of her loyalty to him being repaid are close to zero. Boris lives his life as a performance, and he will want the next act to fill every seat in the theatre of [[Politics of the United Kingdom|British political life]]. The Conservative Party had no choice but to remove Johnson from office. His standards of governance and veracity had fallen below what reasonable people could defend. The downside is that the party will always have the problem of what he will say next. ** [[William Hague]], [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/tories-must-beware-boris-the-incredible-sulk-m5lsbmjtb "Tories must beware Boris the incredible sulk"] ''The Times'' (25 July 2022) * Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the [[Elizabeth II|Queen]], [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]] and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the [[COVID-19 vaccine|Covid vaccine]] and he delivered on standing up to [[Vladimir Putin]] and backing the [[Ukraine|Ukrainians]]. I am proud of what he did. ** [[Liz Truss]], [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss] in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022) * In some sense, him running is the dream [...] Droning on about how they need a sensible, serious person to fix the mess they’ve made '''then that honking pudding turns up with his travelling circus trailing behind.''' ...<br />Is he a greased piglet any more? He became deeply unpopular with the public because the joke wore thin, he got humiliatingly booted out as PM and he set the Tories on a path to ruin.<br />He was booed at the Queen’s Jubilee. The public tolerance for him would be so, so thin. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/sir-keir-starmer-labour-ready-for-election-to-end-this-chaos-tjfrs6k07 "Sir Keir Starmer: Labour ready for election to end this chaos"] ''The Times'' (21 October 2022) ** Speculation on a possible return to the office of Prime Minister following the resignation of successor Liz Truss after six weeks. Comments attributed to a "senior Labour source" in the article * There are several very good potential candidates for Conservative leader. '''But choosing Boris now would be — and I say this advisedly — an absolutely catastrophic decision.''' ** <!-- From a tweet, but not identified as such in the source -->[[w:Jesse Norman|Jesse Norman]] MP quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/oct/21/ben-wallace-rules-himself-out-for-pm-and-suggests-he-would-back-johnson "Ben Wallace rules himself out for PM and suggests he would back Johnson"] ''The Guardian'' (21 October 2022) ===2023–present=== * In his resignation speech, Boris Johnson showed no awareness of any personal failings that had led his party to turn on him. "When the herd moves, it moves," he complained, without apparent thought as to what might have provoked the herd into stampeding. He later complained the rules had been changed halfway through the relay race that the premiership had become. There had indeed been no rule against No 10 parties, but by the time they happened in lockdown it was against the law. There was no rule that a PM must resign if more than 50 of their ministers quit, but since being able to form a government that commands a Commons majority is the basis for being in power it should hardly need saying that these are circumstances that make resignation inevitable. Boris tried to break rules that no one had previously thought it necessary to state. ** [[William Hague]] [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-and-liz-truss-should-fess-up-to-failure-v93w59779 "Boris Johnson and Liz Truss should fess up to failure"] ''The Times'' (6 February 2023) * Johnson and I really loathed each other. It was obvious. We really never spoke behind the scenes very much. * [Sir [[Keir Starmer]] on being referred to as Sir Crasheroonie Snoozefest by Johnson.] It doesn’t matter — because I really couldn't give a toss and, you know, I really loathed him.<br />He didn't stand for anything, he had no principles, he had no integrity, he lied through his teeth and he brings everybody down with him. Is there anybody who's had any relationship with Johnson — in any sense of the word — who hasn't ended up in the gutter? ** Starmer speaking on the ''Political Party'' podcast with [[w:Matt Forde|Matt Forde]], as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/b2ee22ea-b21e-11ed-be6b-8488e113f360?shareToken=0187ff745115e9aae9a5de1e8c2a5442 "Sir Keir Starmer: I loathed unprincipled, lying Boris Johnson"] ''The Times'' (21 February 2023) * We have to hope that the Johnson era is going to come to be perceived in the years ahead as a sort of dreadful aberration, as something that the British people realised was a disaster, and that the Conservative Party now has the courage to realise was disaster and to send Boris Johnson back where he belongs to the music halls [...] He is a brilliant journalist. He's a brilliant entertainer. He had no place in British public life. ** [[w:Max Hastings|Max Hastings]] interviewed by [[Andrew Marr]], as cited in [https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/max-hastings-boris-johnson/ "'You can't write off Boris until he's buried at a crossroads with a stake in his heart', former boss Max Hastings says"] ''LBC'' (22 March 2023) * [H]is inner emptiness made it imperative for him always to be the centre of attention, craving affirmation and breaking truth and convention to achieve it. * The damage that Johnson has done to the country is beyond measure. Has any prime minister done so much harm? [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom|Covid-19]] was the most serious crisis to hit Britain since the Second World War. He ran the government as if he were the wayward manager of an amateur theatre company, full of histrionics, changes of mind and cliques. ** Anthony Seldon [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-damage-beyond-measure-anthony-seldon-cldxqlmhz "The damage Boris Johnson has done is beyond measure"] ''The Sunday Times'' (11 June 2023) * Much as Boris is not prone to getting really cross, nor using particularly strong language, this was one [time] where he really flipped. At our morning meeting, with a small gang of us, he just launched into a violent attack on [[Emmanuel Macron]].<br />And basically saying: "He’s a four-letter word that begins with 'c'’, he's a weirdo, he's Putin's lickspittle, we need to go studs up on this one" – a rugby term that basically means gloves off - "we need an orgy of frog-bashing, I’m going to have to punch his lights out"... Pretty strong stuff. ** From ''Unprecedented'' (second [[w:LBC|LBC]] podcast in a series) by [[w:Guto Harri|Guto Harri]], as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2023/05/18/boris-johnson-emmanuel-macron-spat-ukraine-putin/ "Boris Johnson's foul-mouthed tirade about 'lickspittle' Emmanuel Macron"] ''The Telegraph'' (18 May 2023). Johnson is reported not to accept the veracity of this account. In [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-wanted-to-punch-emmanuel-macron-over-putin-s-ukraine-war-wlz5rx5kb "Humour secured his bond with Zelensky"] ''The Times'' (18 May 2023)), Harri wrote that Johnson did not carry out his threat. * [In 1964 or 1965] There was her baby, Alexander, a few months old, lying naked on a bath mat, kicking his feet in the air, round, pink and fat, with a remarkable shock of electrically bright blond hair. As I gazed at him, I didn't find that baby at all appealing, too pink and too noisy. * That baby on the bath mat, who so decisively put me off the idea of teen motherhood, grew up to be the most disgraced prime minister under his ludicrously changed name of Boris: he looks much the same. * As for Boris Johnson, I look back with a morbid incredulity at what that baby grew up to be. It’s a not particularly good joke to surprise people with the fact that I am one of the many women to have seen him naked. ** From an edited extract of [[Polly Toynbee]]'s ''An Uneasy Inheritance: My Family and Other Radicals'' (Atlantic Books, 2023), as reproduced in [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2023/may/20/polly-toynbee-what-my-privileged-start-in-life-taught-me-about-the-british-class-system "Polly Toynbee: what my privileged start in life taught me about the British class system"] ''The Guardian'' (20 May 2023) ** An account of Toynbee's meeting with her then [[w:Edmund Fawcett|boyfriend's]] sister, [[w:Charlotte Johnson Wahl|Charlotte Johnson]] (later Charlotte Johnson Wahl), and her baby. * He can continue to cause damage to the party as he has done so conspicuously in recent years, because he retains a following in the country. That will be exploited by his friends in the popular press. But his real legacy is Brexit, the biggest historic mistake this country has made in peacetime. ** [[Michael Heseltine]] [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2023/jun/11/boris-johnsons-legacy-he-has-ruined-britains-place-in-the-world "Boris Johnson’s legacy? He has ruined Britain’s place in the world"] ''The Observer'' (11 June 2023) * He's not a Tory, he’s somebody who used the Tory party ... he attacks what he calls the Westminster elite but he is so Westminster elite at heart - he’s wealthy, socially liberal, believes in animal rights, carbon net zero - he is not some [[Lee Anderson]]. * [T]he interesting thing about him is that he has persecution mania. And people with persecution mania think that it's all a conspiracy and everybody's out to get them - that isn’t the case.<br />The fact is with Boris he arouses ... such uncontrollable irritation that you just want him to go away. He brings everything on himself, he's not this victim. ** Petronella Wyatt interviewed by [[Andrew Marr]] on ''LBC'' (15 June 2023), as cited in [https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/petronella-wyatt-says-boris-johnson-used-the-conservatives/ "'He used the Conservatives!': Boris Johnson's ex-girlfriend Petronella Wyatt claims ex-PM has 'never had a Tory idea'"] ''LBC'' (15 June 2023) * [[w:Carrie_Johnson|Carrie Johnson]], in the caption of an [[w:Instagram|Instagram]] post with a picture of her holding the newborn, joked: "Welcome to the world Frank Alfred [[w:Odysseus|Odysseus]] Johnson born 5th July at 9.15am. (Can you guess which name my husband chose?!)"<br />The former prime minister Boris Johnson is keen to be thought of as a scholar of the classics. In [[w:Greek mythology|Greek mythology]], Odysseus leaves behind his wife and child to seek adventure, encountering many other women along the way. ** Kevin Rawlinson [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2023/jul/11/carrie-boris-johnson-announce-birth-baby-boy-frank "Carrie and Boris Johnson announce birth of baby boy named Frank"] ''The Guardian'' (11 July 2023) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/02/uk/boris-johnson-interview-cop-amanpour-climate-exclusive-intl-cmd/index.html 2021 CNN interview by Amanpour] {{DEFAULTSORT:Johnson, Boris}} [[Category:1964 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Mayors of London]] [[Category:Journalists from England]] [[Category:Editors from England]] [[Category:Columnists from England]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Historians from England]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] <references /> [[Category:Secretaries of State for Foreign Affairs of Great Britain and the United Kingdom]] 2u12wa667bgqo4ea5tqn8o8jnstyzrn 3944217 3944216 2026-05-22T15:23:35Z Crookesmoor 166235 /* 2021 */ 3944217 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Boris Johnson official portrait (cropped).jpg|thumb|Boris Johnson in 2019]] '''[[w:en:Boris Johnson|Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson]]''' (born [[19 June]] [[1964]]) is a British politician, [[journalist]], and [[w:popular history|popular historian]]. He was [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister]] of the [[United Kingdom]] and [[w:Leader of the Conservative Party (UK)|Leader of the Conservative Party]] from July 2019 until September 2022. Johnson was [[w:Member of Parliament|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Uxbridge and South Ruislip (UK Parliament constituency)|Uxbridge and South Ruislip]] from May 2015 until his resignation in June 2023. Earlier in his career, Johnson was the MP for [[w:Henley (UK Parliament constituency)|Henley]] from [[w:United Kingdom general election, 2001|2001]] until [[w:Henley by-election, 2008|2008]], and [[w:Mayor of London|Mayor of London]], completing two terms in office between 2008 and 2016. A member of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]], Johnson considers himself a "[[w:One-nation conservatism|One-Nation Tory]]" and has been described as a [[libertarianism|libertarian]] due to his association with both [[w:economic liberalism|economically liberal]] and [[w:social liberalism|socially liberal]] policies. He is partly of Turkish descent. ==Quotes== === 1980s === ==== 1988 ==== * The tragedy of the stooge is that even if he thinks this through, he wants so much to believe that his relationship with the candidate is special that he shuts out the truth. The terrible art of the candidate is to coddle the self-deception of the stooge. ** From an essay entitled "Politics" on his campaign for the {{w|Oxford Union}} presidency, published in 1988 in ''The Oxford Myth'' (Weidenfeld & Nicholson), a book edited by [[w:Rachel Johnson|Rachel Johnson]], his sister, as quoted in Andrew Gimson [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Boris/Xyi6m7wQbBoC?hl=en&pg=PP91 ''Boris: The Adventures of Boris Johnson''] London: Simon & Schuster (2012 edition), p. 91 === 1990s === * I accused men of being responsible for a social breakdown which is costing us all, as taxpayers, £9.1 billion per year, and which is producing a generation of ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate children. * With £90 billion currently spent on welfare, the great economic issues of our time are social. They are moral. And yet the Government is virtually incapacitated from utterance by its own bumbling. * The modern [[British people|British]] male is useless. If he is [[Working class|blue collar]], he is likely to be [[Drunkenness|drunk]], [[Crime|criminal]], aimless, feckless and hopeless, and perhaps claiming to suffer from low self-esteem brought on by unemployment. If he is white collar, he is likely to be little better. * Something must be found, first, to restore women's desire to be married. That means addressing the feebleness of the modern [[British people|Briton]], his reluctance or inability to take control of his woman and be head of a household. ** [http://archive.spectator.co.uk/article/19th-august-1995/6/politics "The male sex is to blame for the appalling proliferation of single mothers"] ''The Spectator'' (19 August 1995). * Weep O ye shirt-makers of Jermyn Street ye [[w:Cool Britannia|Cool Britannia]] tailors and whatever exists of human finer feeling In the [[w:Ministry of Sound|Ministry of Sound]], '''the tank-topped bumboys''' blub into their [[w:Pilsner|Pils]]. In the delicatessens of [[w:Elgin Crescent|Elgin Crescent]] the sawdust is sodden with tears For months years Carla Powell will go into mourning her plumage as black as night For Mandy is dead dead ere his prime! ** [https://www.newspapers.com/image/752390820/ "He Lived by the spin, he died by the spin"] ''The Daily Telegraph'' (24 December 1998), p. 16 ** [[Peter Mandelson]] had resigned as [[w:Secretary of state for trade and industry|Secretary of State for Trade and Industry]] and [[w:President of the Board of Trade|President of the Board of Trade]]. === 2000s === ==== 2000 ==== * On the other hand we don’t want our children being taught some rubbish about homosexual marriage being the same as normal marriage and that is why I am more than happy to support [[w:Section 28|Section 28]] ... ** [https://www.newspapers.com/image/752624452/ "The Dome is wonderful: it explains Blair's vacuity"] ''The Daily Telegraph'' (27 January 2000), p. 28 ** An attempt by the government of [[w:Tony Blair|Tony Blair]] to repeal a clause in the [[w:Local Government Act 1988|Local Government Act 1988]] barring the promotion of homosexuality by local authorities was not supported by the Conservatives and [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2000/feb/08/parliament.uk2 was defeated] in the [[w:House of Lords|House of Lords]] in February. * Labour's appalling agenda, encouraging the teaching of [[homosexuality]] in schools, and all the rest of it. ** ''The Spectator'' (15 April 2000) * Dark forces dragged me away from the keyboard, swirling forces of irresistible intensity and power. ** "A wise guy playing the fool to win", ''The Sunday Times'' (16 July 2000), p. 17. ** While at ''The Daily Telegraph'', explaining why his work was usually late. ==== 2001 ==== * If you see anyone who is obeying the law, apart from the odd motorised rickshaw, please give me a ring. The national speed limit is, de facto, 99mph, because everyone knows that you lose your licence at 100mph. The law of the land is disregarded by good people, held in contempt by Middle England, and scorned by no less a person than [[w:Jack_Straw|Jack Straw]], who saw fit to scream through the sound barrier when he was Home Secretary. * Yes, [[cannabis]] is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It's time for a rethink, and the Tory party - the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth - is where it's happening. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/4263811/No-one-obeys-the-speed-limit-except-a-motorised-rickshaw.html "No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw"], ''The Daily Telegraph'', 12 July 2001, p. 27. ** The speed limit on British motorways was, and remains, 70mph. * Ok, I said to myself as I sighted the bird down the end of the gun. This time, my fine feathered friend, there is no escape. ** ''Friends, Voters, Countrymen'' p. 59. ==== 2002 ==== * It is said that [[Elizabeth II|the Queen]] has come to love the [[w:Commonwealth of Nations|Commonwealth]], partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving [[w:Pickaninny|picaninnies]]; and one can imagine that [[Tony Blair|Blair]], twice victor abroad but enmired at home, is similarly seduced by foreign politeness. They say he is shortly off to the [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|Congo]]. No doubt the [[AK-47|AK47s]] will fall silent, and the pangas will stop their hacking of human flesh, and the tribal warriors will all break out in [[w:Watermelon stereotype|Watermelon smiles]] to see the big white chief touch down in his big white British taxpayer-funded bird. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080620103008/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2002/01/10/do1002.xml "If Blair's so good at running the Congo, let him stay there"] ''The Daily Telegraph'' (10 January 2002) * The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more... Consider [[Uganda]], pearl of [[Africa]], as an example of the British record. … the [[British Empire|British]] planted [[coffee]] and [[cotton]] and [[tobacco]], and they were broadly right... If left to their own devices, the natives would rely on nothing but the instant carbohydrate gratification of the [[w:plantain|plantain]]. You never saw a place so abounding in bananas: great green barrel-sized bunches, off to be turned into matooke. Though this dish (basically fried banana) was greatly relished by [[Idi Amin]], the colonists correctly saw that the export market was limited... The best fate for Africa would be if the old colonial powers, or their citizens, scrambled once again in her direction; on the understanding that this time they will not be asked to feel guilty. ** Discussing his views on Africans and "Instant Carbohydrate Gratification" ''The Spectator'' (2 February 2002) * I don't see why people are so snooty about [[w:Channel 5|Channel 5]]. It has some respectable documentaries about the [[World War II|Second World War]]. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap dancing, and other related and vital subjects. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3574184/What-has-the-BBC-come-to-Toilets-thats-what.html "What has the BBC come to? Toilets, that's what"], ''The Daily Telegraph'' (14 March 2002), p. 29. * We are confident in our story and will be fighting this all the way. I am very sorry that [[w:Alastair Campbell|Alastair Campbell]] has taken this decision but I can see that he got his tits in the wringer. ** Catherine Macleod, "Angry Blair takes on press", ''The Herald'' (Glasgow), 24 April 2002, p. 1. ** On Campbell's negative reply to ''The Spectator''{{'}}s report that the Government had influence the [[Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon|Queen Mother]]'s funeral arrangements. * Nor do I propose to defend the right to talk on a mobile while driving a car, though I don't believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3579885/To-the-lady-who-berated-me-I-say-on-your-bike.html "To the lady who berated me, I say: on your bike"], ''The Daily Telegraph'' (1 August 2002), p. 21. ==== 2003 ==== * It is hard to think of a measure that the Government could have brought to the House that I could support more unreservedly and with greater pleasure than this [[w:European Union (Accessions) Act 2003|Bill to expand the European Union]]. To sum up my response, I would merely say, "And about time too." * I am not by any means an ultra-Eurosceptic. In some ways, I am a bit of a fan of the European Union. If we did not have one, we would invent something like it—some means of association between the sovereign states of [[Europe]], perhaps an organisation in [[Brussels]]—overnight. ** From his contribution during a debate (21 May 2003) on the [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/2003/may/21/european-union-accessions-bill "European Union (Accessions) Bill"] ''Hansard'' HC vol 405 cc. 1021-1121, 1080, 1082 * I forgot that to rely on a [[Trains|train]], in Blair's Britain, is to engage in a crapshoot with the [[devil]]. ** "A horse is a safer bet than the trains", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 3 July 2003, p. 22. * I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as of being decapitated by a frisbee or of finding [[Elvis Presley|Elvis]]. ** Ephraim Hardcastle, ''Daily Mail'', 22 July 2003, p. 13. ** Asked by pupils of Gillott's School in his constituency whether he would like the job of Prime Minister. * The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP, they have run out of better ideas. ** "What's wrong with 40 Liverpool Road?", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 18 September 2003, p. 24. * The [[w:Liberal Democrats (UK)|Lib Dems]] are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition. ** "The least said about Lib Dems, the better", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 25 September 2003, p. 24. * I could not fail to disagree with you less. ** 2004 winner of the [[Foot in Mouth Award]] from the [[Plain English Campaign]], for his comment on the 12 December 2003 edition of ''Have I Got News For You'' [http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/footinmouth.html] * Not even Mr Blair has been able to erode the unions conviction that we all have a “right” to a minimum wage... Both the minimum wage and the Social Charter would palpably destroy jobs. ** ''Lend Me Your Ears'', p. 387 ==== 2004 ==== * Any seat would be mad not to take him. He's a terrific chap. ** "Keeping it in the family", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 23 January 2004, p. 29. ** On his father, Stanley Johnson's plans to become an MP. * It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of [[Harry Houdini]] and a greased piglet. He is barely [[human]] in his elusiveness. Nailing [[Tony Blair|Blair]] is like trying to pin jelly to a wall. ** "The BBC was doing its job - bring back Gilligan", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 29 January 2004, p. 21. ** Reaction to the [[w:Hutton Inquiry|Hutton Report]]. * As snow-jobs go, this beats the Himalayas. ** "The BBC was doing its job - bring back Gilligan", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 29 January 2004, p. 21. ** Reaction to the [[w:Hutton Inquiry|Hutton Report]]. * That is the best case for [[George W. Bush|Bush]]; that, among other things, he [[Iraq War|liberated]] [[Iraq]]. It is good enough for me. ** ''The Daily Telegraph 26 February 2004'' * Some readers will no doubt say that a devil is inside me; and though my faith is a bit like [[w:Magic FM|Magic FM]] in the Chilterns, in that the signal comes and goes, I can only hope that isn't so. ** "What's so funny about the Passion?", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 4 March 2004, p. 24. * If [[Amsterdam]] or [[Leningrad]] vie for the title of Venice of the North, then [[Venice]] - what compliment is high enough? Venice, with all her civilisation and ancient beauty, Venice with her addiction to curious aquatic means of transport, yes, my friends, Venice is the Henley of the South. ** "Paying through the Doge for Europe", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 11 March 2004, p. 22. * [On [[Tony Blair]]] He's lost the plot, people tell me. He's drifting rudderless in the wide [[w:Sargasso Sea|Sargasso Sea]] of [[w:New Labour|New Labour]]'s ideological vacuum. ** "Blair dead in the water? No such luck", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 29 April 2004, p. 24. * Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it. ** Toby Helm, "Boris Johnson named shadow arts minister", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 7 May 2004, p. 12. ** On being appointed Shadow Arts Minister. * It was a stellar performance. I may as well give up now and make way for an older man. ** Hickey, ''The Express'', 12 May 2004. ** On his father Stanley's appearance on ''Have I Got News For You''. * There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge. ** "Face it: it's all your own fat fault", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 27 May 2004, p. 24. ** On the dangers of obesity. * My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive. ** "You ask the questions", ''The Independent'', 17 June 2004, p. 7. ** Asked "Admit it: you want to become prime minister, don't you?" by Amanda Findlay of Bolton. * I didn't see it, but it sounds barbaric. It's become like [[cock-fighting]]: poor dumb brutes being set upon each other by conniving television producers. ** David Smith, "Focus: Big Brother brawl", ''The Observer'', 20 June 2004, p. 17. ** On [[w:Big Brother 5 (UK)|Big Brother]]. * Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious. ** Beth Pearson, "Has Howard got news for Boris?", ''The Herald'' (Glasgow), 13 November 2004, p. 15. ** Explaining why he quit after a week as a management consultant. =====Affair with Petronella Wyatt===== * I have not had an affair with Petronella. It is complete balderdash. It is '''an inverted pyramid of piffle'''. It is all completely untrue and ludicrous conjecture. I am amazed people can write this drivel. ** Simon Walters, "Boris, Petsy and a 'pyramid of piffle'", ''Mail on Sunday'', 7 November 2004, p. 7. ** Denying accusations of his having an affair with [[Petronella Wyatt]]. * Tremendous, little short of superb. On cracking form. ** David Charter, Joanna Bale, "Tories suggest door will open for Boris Johnson to return", ''The Times'', 15 November 2004, p. 7. ** Asked how he was feeling after being sacked as Shadow Arts Minister for having lied to Michael Howard over his affair with Petronella Wyatt. * I advise you all very strongly - go for a run, get some exercise, and have a beautiful day. ** Valentine Low, "Shiver me timbers Boris", ''Evening Standard'', 15 November 2004, p. 3. ** Cornered by reporters asking about his affair after a morning run. * Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under. ** "[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2004/12/02/do0202.xml Trust me, being sacked isn't all bad]", ''The Daily Telegraph, 2 December 2004, p. 26. ** On being sacked from the Tory front bench. * My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters. ** "[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2004/12/02/do0202.xml Trust me, being sacked isn't all bad]", ''The Daily Telegraph, 2 December 2004, p. 26. ** On being sacked from the Tory front bench. ==== 2005 ==== * But here's old Ken - he's been crass, he's been insensitive and thuggish and brutal in his language - but I don't think actually if you read what he said, although it was extraordinary and rude, I don't think he was actually [[Antisemitism|anti-Semitic]]. ** "Quotes of the Day", ''The Times'', 18 February 2005, p. 2. * [[Michael Howard|Howard]] is a dynamic performer on many levels. There you are. He sent me to Liverpool. Marvellous place. Howard was the most effective Home Secretary since [[Robert Peel|Peel]]. Hang on, was Peel Home Secretary? ** Ben Macintyre, "'Hello, I'm your MP. Actually no, I'm your candidate. Gosh'", ''The Times'', 19 April 2005, p. 23. ** On [[Michael Howard]]. * I'm having Sunday lunch with my family. I'm vigorously campaigning, inculcating my children in the benefits of a Tory government. ** "2-minute interview: Boris Johnson", ''The Guardian'', 11 April 2005, p. 7. ** Asked whether he was canvassing at Sunday lunchtime. * What we hate, what we fear, is being ignored. ** "Labour's cleaning up on the council tax", 21 April 2005, p. 24. ** On the fears of MPs. * I love tennis with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around. ** Hickey, ''The Express'', 21 March 2005. * The proposed ban on incitement to "religious hatred" makes no sense unless it involves a ban on the Koran itself; and that would be pretty absurd, when you consider that the Bill's intention is to fight Islamophobia. ** ''Daily Telegraph 21 July 2005 * I'm backing [[w:David Cameron|David Cameron]]'s campaign out of pure, cynical self-interest. ** "Conference Diary", ''The Independent'', 5 October 2005, p. 7. ** On The 2005 Conservative Leadership Contest. * I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar. ** "Londoner's Diary", ''Evening Standard'', 17 October 2005, p. 15. * I lost the job, but the well the honest truth is that this has been embellished by, probably by me, in the sense that there were two of us who were taken on as trainees, and this was in the, the, the 80s, I think it was the late 80s, and it was him or me who was going to get the job at the end of, at the end of, eight months or nine months.... It was, it was absolutely, it was mano-a-mano and of course it was him who got it. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00935b6 Interviewed on ''Desert Island Discs''], ''BBC Radio 4'' (30 October 2005) ** On his short placement as a journalist at ''[[w:The Times|The Times]]''. In fact, rather than failing to beat another trainee to win a permanent position, [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/mar/25/boris-johnson-eddie-mair-interview he was sacked] in 1988 for falsifying a quotation by his godfather, [[w:Colin Lucas|Colin Lucas]]. * I was just chucking these rocks over the garden wall, and I'd listen to this amazing crash from the greenhouse, next door, over, over in [[England]], as everything I wrote from [[Brussels]] was having this amazing, explosive effect on the Tory Party, and, and it really gave me this, I suppose, rather weird sense of, of power. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00935b6 Interviewed on ''Desert Island Discs''], ''BBC Radio 4'' (30 October 2005) ** On his period working as Brussels correspondent for ''{{w|The Daily Telegraph}}'' a few years later. * I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs? ** "The Genelection Game", ''Sunday Mirror'', 24 April 2005, p. 19. ** During the campaign trail of the 2005 general election. * Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a [[w:BMW M3|BMW M3]]. ** Francis Elliott, "Boris casts his vote: 'Spectator' editor tells 'Desert Island Discs' he'll quit to spend more time with David Cameron", ''The Independent on Sunday'', 30 October 2005, p. 3. ** Said in April 2005 during the general election. * Old Man Howard, that Old Man Howard, he just keeps rolling, just keeps rolling. ** Andrew Pierce, "Boris on a roll", ''The Times'', 29 April 2005, p. 40. ** When asked by The Oxford Student whether he sees anyone amongst his younger colleagues who would one day replace Howard. * I'm very attracted to it. I may be diverting from Tory party policy here, but I don't care. ** Andrew Pierce, ''The Times'', 30 April 2005, p. 42. ** When asked about the 24 hour drinking legislation. * Life isn't like coursework, baby. It's one damn essay crisis after another. ** "Exams work because they're scary", ''The Daily Telegraph'', 12 May 2005, p. 22. ==== 2006–2007 ==== * I'm a rugby player, really, and I knew I was going to get to him, and when he was about two yards away I just put my head down. There was no malice. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer. ** Ed Harris, "Boris bites Herr legs...: The MP for Henley does his bit for Anglo-German diplomacy", ''Evening Standard'', 4 May 2006, p. 9. ** On his tackle on German midfielder Maurizio Gaudino in a charity football match. * Not only did I want Bush to win, but we threw the entire weight of ''The Spectator'' behind him. ** ''Have I Got Views for You'' (2006), p. 272 * Chinese cultural influence is virtually nil, and unlikely to increase... Indeed, high Chinese culture and art are almost all imitative of western forms: Chinese concert pianists are technically brilliant, but brilliant at [[Franz Schubert|Schubert]] and [[Sergei Rachmaninoff|Rachmaninov]]. Chinese ballerinas dance to the scores of Diaghilev. The number of Chinese Nobel prizes won on home turf is zero, although there are of course legions of bright Chinese trying to escape to [[Stanford University|Stanford]] and [[California Institute of Technology|Caltech]]... It is hard to think of a single Chinese sport at the Olympics, compared with umpteen invented by Britain, including ping-pong, I'll have you know, which originated at upper-class dinner tables and was first called whiff-whaff. The Chinese have a script so fiendishly complicated that they cannot produce a proper keyboard for it. ** ''Have I Got Views for You'' (2006), p. 277 * For 10 years we in the Tory party have become used to [[Papua New Guinea]]-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing, and so it is with a happy amazement that we watch as the madness engulfs the Labour party. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/personal-view/3632025/Blair-has-nothing-more-to-say-to-us-he-should-go-at-once.html From a ''Daily Telegraph'' column "Blair has nothing more to say to us: he should go at once"] (7 September 2006) [https://www.newspapers.com/image/753264363/?terms=%22Boris%20Johnson%22&match=1 p. 22], as cited in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/5327984.stm "Boris apology to Papua New Guinea"] ''BBC News'' (8 September 2006) *I meant no insult to the people of Papua New Guinea, who I'm sure lead lives of blameless bourgeois domesticity like the rest of us... I am happy to add Papua New Guinea to my global itinerary of apology. **[https://amp.theguardian.com/politics/2006/sep/09/uk.conservatives 9 September 2006] *I've got a brilliant new strategy, which is to make so many gaffes that nobody knows which one to concentrate on. [...] They cease to be newsworthy, you completely out-general the media in that way, and they despair. [...] You shell them, you pepper the media... you've got to pepper their positions with so many gaffes that they're confused. It's like a helicopter throwing out chaff, and then you steal on quietly and drop your depth charges wherever you want to drop them. **On BBC ''Booktalk'' in 2006 quoted in {{cite news|date=27 January 2022|title=Why Boris Johnson is coming out fighting|url=https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-60159226|publisher=BBC News}} * The real hero of ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' is the mayor. A gigantic fish is eating all your constituents and he decides to keep the beaches open. OK, in that instance he was actually wrong. But in principle, we need more [[politicians]] like the mayor - we are often the only obstacle against all the nonsense which is really a massive conspiracy against the [[Taxation|taxpayer]]. ** Speech delivered at [[w:Lloyd's of London|Lloyd's of London]] in 2006, quoted in {{citation |date=18 July 2007 |title=Boris Johnson inspired by Jaws mayor |author=Graeme Wilson and George Jones |periodical=The Telegraph |url=https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1557765/Boris-Johnson-inspired-by-Jaws-mayor.html}} * The world's population is now 6.7 billion, roughly double what it was when I was born. If I live to be in my mid-eighties, then it will have trebled in my lifetime.<br />The [[United Nations|UN]] last year revised its forecasts upwards, predicting that there will be 9.2 billion people by 2050, and I simply cannot understand why no one discusses this impending calamity, and why no world statesmen have the guts to treat the issue with the seriousness it deserves. * [O]ver the years, the argument changed, and certain words became taboo, and certain concepts became forbidden, and we have reached the stage where the very discussion of overall human fertility — global motherhood — has become more or less banned. * All the evidence shows that we can help reduce [[population growth]], and world poverty, by promoting literacy and female emancipation and access to birth control. Isn't it time politicians stopped being so timid, and started talking about the real number one issue? ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/3643551/Global-over-population-is-the-real-issue.html "Global over-population is the real issue"] ''The Telegraph'' (25 October 2007) ==== 2008 ==== * Unlike the current occupant of the [[White House]], he has no difficulty in orally extemporising a series of [[Grammar|grammatical]] [[English language|English]] sentences, each containing a main verb. * [On attempting to find any reason to oppose [[Barack Obama]]] In the end I gave up, goggle-eyed and exhausted, having trolled the wilds of the [[Neoconservatism|Neocon]] [[internet]] without finding anything remotely approaching a smoking gun. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/0/barack-obama-believe-should-next-president/ "Barack Obama: Why I believe he should be the next President"] ''The Telegraph'' (21 October 2008) * Had it been us staging the [[Olympic Games|Games]], I don't think we would necessarily have done the switcheroo with the girl with the braces ** "[http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/blog/2008/aug/21/boris.politicsandsport?gusrc=rss&feed=politics "Boris Johnson In Beijing"], ''The Guardian'' (21 August 2008) ** When asked whether he had any criticisms of the [[w:2008 Summer Olympics|Beijing Summer Olympics]]. * My policy on cake is still pro having it and pro eating it! ** Interview with [[w:Lynn Barber|Lynn Barber]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2008/oct/19/boris-london "No more Mr Nice Guy"] ''The Observer'' (19 October 2008) ** Barber had recalled [https://www.theguardian.com/media/2003/oct/05/pressandpublishing.politicsphilosophyandsociety the previous occasion] she had interviewed Johnson in 2003 when he was both an MP and editor of ''The Spectator''. Variant of the expression [[w:You can't have your cake and eat it|You can't have your cake and eat it]]'' ===== First Speech As London Mayor (3 May 2008) ===== :<small>[http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2008/may/03/boris.london08 First Speech as Mayor of London, at City Hall (3 May 2008)].</small> * Thank you very much Mr Meyer, <!-- the returning officer -->Anthony Meyer that is. I want to thank you, I want to thank the police of course, and my wife [[w:Marina Wheeler|Marina]] and my family, and my utterly brilliant campaign team, the Conservative GLA candidates — some of whom were extremely unlucky tonight — and of course the thousands of Conservative activists, the ward captains and knocker-uppers who did such an amazing job today, and indeed yesterday, rather. * This has been a marathon election as you can tell with a record turnout and I think it has been good for politics and it has been good for London. * I want to thank [[Siân Berry|Sian [Berry, Green Party]]] and [[w:Lindsey German|Lindsey [German, Left List]]] and [[w:Alan Craig|Alan [Craig, Christian Peoples Party]]] and [[Gerard Batten|Gerard [Batten, UKIP]]], who have sometimes joined us for hustings, but mainly I want to thank my two colleagues in the strange triumvirate who have been trundling around [[London]]'s [[church]] halls and [[Television|TV]] studios violently disputing the meaning of [[multiculturalism]] and the exact cost of conductors. On which point I think I'm going to declare victory. * And I want to congratulate you [[w:Brian Paddick, Baron Paddick|Brian [Paddick]]] on your great common sense and decency with which you put your case and I do hope that it is not the end of our discussions about the police. * And as for [[Ken Livingstone|Ken, Mayor Livingstone]], I think you have been a very considerable [[public servant]] and a distinguished leader of this city. * You shaped the office of mayor. You gave it national prominence and when London was attacked on [[7 July 2005 London bombings|7 July 2005]] you spoke for London. * And I can tell you that your courage and the sheer exuberant nerve with which you stuck it to your enemies, especially in [[w:New Labour|New Labour]], you have thereby earned the thanks and admiration of millions of Londoners, even if you think that they have a funny way of showing it today. * And when we have that drink together which we both so richly deserve, I hope we can discover a way in which the mayoralty can continue to benefit from your transparent love of London, a city whose energy conquered the world and which now brings the world together in one city. * I do not for one minute believe that this election shows that London has been transformed overnight into a Conservative city but I do hope it does show that the Conservatives have changed into a party that can again be trusted after 30 years with the greatest, most cosmopolitan, multi-racial generous hearted city on earth in which there are huge and growing divisions between rich and poor. * And that brings me to my final thank you which is of course to the people of London. * I would like to thank first the vast multitudes who voted against me - and I have met quite a few in the last nine months, not all of them entirely polite. * I will work flat out from now on to earn your trust and to dispel some of the myths that have been created about me. * And as for those who voted for me, I know there will be many whose pencils hovered for an instant before putting an X in my box and I will work flat out to repay and to justify your confidence. * We have a new team ready to go in to [[w:City Hall, London (Southwark)|City Hall]]. Where there have been mistakes we will rectify them. Where there are achievements we will build on them. * Where there are neglected opportunities we will seize on them, and we will focus on the priorities of the people of London: cutting crime, improving transport, protecting green space, delivering affordable housing, giving taxpayers value for money in every one of the 32 boroughs. * And I hope that everybody who loves this city will put aside party differences to try in the making of Greater London greater still. Let's get cracking tomorrow and let's have a drink tonight. === 2010s === ==== 2010 ==== * In 1904, 20 per cent of journeys were made by [[bicycle]] in London. I want to see a figure like that again. If you can't turn the clock back to 1904, what's the point of being a Conservative? ** [http://www.london-se1.co.uk/news/view/4722 Boris Johnson on South Bank for Barclays Cycle Hire launch], London SE1, 30 July 2010 ** Said during the official launch of the Barclays Cycle Hire scheme. * The meat in the sausage has got to be Conservative ** [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/election_2010/8668036.stm BBC News Interview] with [[w:en:Jeremy Paxman|Jeremy Paxman]], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2010 ** Johnson on the possibility of a coalition after the United Kingdom general election, May 2010. *** Johnson: Whatever type of, er, of Wall's sausage, er, is contrived by this, er, this great experiment, the, the dominant ingredient has got to be conservatism. ''The, the meat in the sausage has got to be Conservative'', I would say. There can be plenty of bread and other bits and pieces. **** Paxman: The question is whether it's a chipolata or a Cumberland sausage, I suppose, is it? *** Johnson: This is fantastic to listen to. Enough of this, enough of this, er, gastronomic metaphor. Er. **** Paxman: You started it! *** Johnson: Well, I, I've had enough of it! I— **** Paxman: Haven't you got a city to run? *** Johnson: Say again? **** Paxman: I say haven't you got— *** Johnson: Yeah, I have got a city to run and that's exactly, that's exactly the point! **** Paxman: Well go and do it then! Goodbye! *** Johnson: The government of London, the government of London will carry on irrespective of the, er, temporary difficulties in providing a national government. Thank you. **** Paxman: Bye bye, Boris! ====2011==== * When a regime has been in power too long, when it has fatally exhausted the patience of the people, and when oblivion finally beckons – I am afraid that across the world you can rely on the leaders of that regime to act solely in the interests of self-preservation, and not in the interests of the electorate. ...<br />First-past-the-post has served this country well, and served dozens of other countries well. We would be mad to go to a great deal of trouble and expense to adopt a system that is less fair than the one we have. ...<br />By all means let us have a referendum – the one we were promised, on the [[Lisbon Treaty|Lisbon EU Treaty]]. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/0/av-last-gasp-gordon-browns-bunker-gigantic-fraud/ "AV was a last gasp from Gordon Brown's bunker – and it's a gigantic fraud"] ''The Telegraph'' (28 February 2011) ** Article on the [[w:2011 United Kingdom Alternative Vote referendum|2011 Alternative Vote referendum]] which was held on 5 May 2011. The proposal for AV at the referendum was defeated. ====2012==== * The excitement is growing so much I think the [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] of [[w:2012 Olympic Games|Olympo-mania]] is going to go zoink off the scale. ** On the forthcoming London Olympic Games. ''The Daily Telegraph'', 27 July 2012. * They are like glistening wet otters frolicking. ** Telegraph column, 31 July 2012 ** On woman's beach volleyball at the 2012 Olympic Games. ==== 2013 ==== * It is often useful to give the slight impression that you are deliberately pretending not to know what is going on, because the reality may be that you don't know what is going on, but people won't be able to tell the difference. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01rlx9l Boris Johnson: The Irresistible Rise] (25 March 2013) * If we left the [[European Union|EU]], we would end this sterile debate, and we would have to recognise that most of our problems are not caused by “[[Brussels|Bwussels]]”, but by chronic British short-termism, inadequate management, sloth, low skills, a culture of easy gratification and underinvestment in both human and physical capital and infrastructure. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/10052646/Quitting-the-EU-wont-solve-our-problems-says-Boris-Johnson.html Telegraph article] (12 May 2013) =====Beijing, China (October 2013)===== :<small>'''[http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/oct/14/boris-johnson-charm-offensive-china "Boris Johnson launches charm offensive in China"], ''The Guardian'' (14 October 2013)'''</small> * Now can I ask you a question, "Why is it that we're lucky to have so many Chinese students?" Is it because of the weather? Is it because we have so many French restaurants? Is it because we have so many communist bicycles? [At Beijing's 798 art district, 13 October 2013] * [A demonstration of "cultural interpenetration" between the UK and China] Who, according to [[J. K. Rowling|JK Rowling]], the author of the [[Harry Potter (series)|Harry Potter]] novels, was Harry Potter's first girlfriend? Who is the first person he kisses? That's right, [[w:Cho Chang|Cho Chang]], who is a [[Chinese people|Chinese]] overseas student at Hogwarts school. [...] Ladies and gents I rest my case. [From a speech at [[w:Peking University|Peking university]], 14 October 2013] ==== 2014 ==== * [On deputy prime minister [[Nick Clegg]]] He's there to serve a very important ceremonial function as [[David Cameron]]'s lapdog-cum-prophylactic protection device for all the difficult things that David Cameron has to do that cheese off the rest of the ... [ending absent] He’s a kind of shield. He’s a lapdog who’s been skinned and turned into a shield to protect. ** Interviewed on LBC, as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/london-mayor-election/mayor-of-london/10555489/Nick-Clegg-is-David-Camerons-condom-Boris-Johnson-says.html "Nick Clegg is David Cameron's condom, Boris Johnson says"] ''The Telegraph'' (7 January 2014) ==== 2015 ==== * [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]]'s proxy army was almost certainly guilty of killing the passengers on the Malaysia Airlines jet that came down in [[w:Eastern Ukraine|eastern Ukraine]]. He has questions to answer about the [[w:Death of Alexander Litvinenko|death of Alexander Litvinenko]], pitilessly poisoned in a London restaurant. As for his reign in Moscow, he is allegedly the linchpin of a vast post-Soviet gangster kleptocracy, and is personally said to be the richest man on the planet. Journalists who oppose him get shot. His rivals find themselves locked up. Despite looking a bit like [[w:Dobby the House Elf|Dobby the House Elf]], he is a ruthless and manipulative tyrant. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/syria/12036184/Lets-deal-with-the-Devil-we-should-work-with-Vladimir-Putin-and-Bashar-al-Assad-in-Syria.html "Let’s deal with the Devil: we should work with Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad in Syria"], ''The Telegraph'' (5 December 2015) ==== 2016 ==== * The choice is really quite simple. In favour of staying, it is in Britain’s geo-strategic interests to be pretty intimately engaged in the doings of a continent that has a grim [[20th century|20th-century]] history, and whose agonies have caused millions of [[British people|Britons]] to lose their lives. History shows that they need us. Leaving would be widely read as a very negative signal for Europe. It would dismay some of our closest friends, not least the [[Eastern Europe|eastern Europeans]] for whom the EU has been a force for good: stability, openness, and prosperity.<br />It is also true that the single market is of considerable value to many UK companies and consumers, and that '''leaving would cause at least some business uncertainty, while embroiling the Government for several years in a fiddly process of negotiating new arrangements, so diverting energy from the real problems of this country – low skills, low social mobility, low investment etc – that have nothing to do with Europe.''' ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/eureferendum/12145593/Voters-have-to-ask-Donald-Tusk-some-hard-questions-before-they-accept-his-EU-deal.html "Voters have to ask Donald Tusk some hard questions before they accept his EU 'deal'"] ''The Telegraph'' (7 February 2016) * Think of Britain. Think of the rest of the EU. Think of the future. Think of the desire of your children and your grandchildren to live and work in other European countries; to sell things there, to make friends and perhaps to find partners there. * And then there is the whole geostrategic anxiety. Britain is a great nation, a global force for good. It is surely a boon for the world and for Europe that she should be intimately engaged in the EU. '''This is a market on our doorstep, ready for further exploitation by British firms: the membership fee seems rather small for all that access.''' ** From a draft of a pro-EU newspaper column for ''The Daily Telegraph'' (written 19 February 2016), [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/news/boris-my-case-for-britain-to-stay-in-europe-f7qgrvtps later reproduced in ''All Out War'' by Tim Shipman]. Draft article published as [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/cripes-i-jolly-nearly-backed-dave-on-europe-wbcqd6b6c "Cripes! I jolly nearly backed Dave on Europe"] ''The Sunday Times'' (16 October 2016). Johnson submitted an anti-EU column for publication. * There is only one way to get the change we need - and that is to vote to go; because all EU history shows that they only really listen to a population when it says no. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35634239 EU referendum: Leaving EU a 'leap in the dark' says Cameron] ''BBC News'' (22 February 2016) * They want us to go to the polls in such a state of quivering apprehension that we do the bidding of the Euro-elites, and vote to stay in the European Union. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35685656 EU referendum: Row over '10 years of uncertainty' claim] ''BBC News'' (29 February 2016) * Leaving the EU would be a win-win for all. The EU costs us a huge amount of money and subverts our democracy ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'] ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * [The UK is] big enough and strong enough to stand on its own ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'], ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * Would anyone in their right mind want to join the EU today? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'], ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * You look at the plan to increase the efforts to prop up the single currency with an ever denser system of integration, with more and more regulation about all sorts of social and economic issues which will impact directly on this country, I think the risk is increasingly in staying in the project. I think the best thing we can do is show a lead, show an example and strike out for freedom. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'], ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * The EU is 50 years old, it is going in the wrong direction. It is time for real reform. The only way to get that is to leave. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35783049 Boris Johnson: EU exit 'win-win for us all'] ''BBC News'' (11 March 2016) * We will be informed by our most important ally that it is in our interests to stay in the EU, no matter how flawed we may feel that organisation to be. Never mind the loss of sovereignty; never mind the expense and the [[bureaucracy]] and the uncontrolled [[immigration]]. The American view is very clear. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-35800232 Boris Johnson urges Obama not to intervene in EU debate] ''BBC News'' (14 March 2016) * Something mysterious happened when [[Barack Obama]] entered the [[w:Oval Office|Oval Office]] in 2009. Something vanished from that room, and no one could quite explain why. It was a bust of [[Winston Churchill]] – the great British war time leader. It was a fine goggle-eyed object, done by the brilliant sculptor [[Jacob Epstein]], and it had sat there for almost ten years. But on day one of the Obama administration it was returned, without ceremony, to the British embassy in Washington. No one was sure whether the President had himself been involved in the decision. Some said it was a snub to [[Britain]]. Some said it was a symbol of [[Barack Obama|the part-Kenyan President]]'s ancestral dislike of the British empire – of which Churchill had been such a fervent defender. Some said that perhaps Churchill was seen as less important than he once was. Perhaps his ideas were old-fashioned and out of date. Well, if that's why Churchill was banished from the Oval Office, they could not have been more wrong. ** In a [http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/politics/7095695/UK-and-America-can-better-friends-than-ever-Mr-Obama-if-we-LEAVE-the-EU-says-Boris-Johnson.html column for ''The Sun'' newspaper] (22 April 2016). * There was a young fellow from Ankara<br />Who was a terrific wankerer<br />Till he sowed his wild oats<br />With the help of a goat<br />But he didn't even stop to thankera. ** Boris Johnson wins [[Wikipedia:The Spectator|The Spectator]]’s President [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan|Erdogan]] Offensive Poetry competition, 18 May 2016. [http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/05/boris-johnson-wins-the-spectators-president-erdogan-offensive-poetry-competition/] * [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Napoleon]], Hitler, various people tried this out, and it ends tragically [...] The EU is an attempt to do this by different methods.<br />But fundamentally what is lacking is the eternal problem, which is that there is no underlying loyalty to the idea of Europe. There is no single authority that anybody respects or understands. That is causing this massive democratic void. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/05/14/boris-johnson-the-eu-wants-a-superstate-just-as-hitler-did/ "Boris Johnson: The EU wants a superstate, just as Hitler did"] ''The <!-- Sunday -->Telegraph'' (15 May 2016). ** [[w:Edwin Bramall|Lord Bramall]], former head of the British army said of these comments: "Hitler's main aim was to create an empire in the East and violently subjugate Europeans. Any connection between that and the EU is simply laughable". In reference to Lord Bramall's comments, the then chancellor [[w:George Osborne|George Osborne]], commented: "I think he said what needed to be said about Boris Johnson.". See [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36295208 "EU Referendum: Boris Johnson stands by Hitler EU comparison"] ''BBC News'' (16 May 2016). * After we liberate ourselves from the shackles of Brussels we will be able to create hundreds of thousands of new jobs right across the UK. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-eu-referendum-36447926 EU referendum: Kinnock urges young voters to prevent 'Brexit by default'] ''BBC News'' (4 June 2016) * '''Take back control of huge sums of money, 350 million pounds a week, and spend it on our priorities such as the [[National Health Service|NHS]].''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMjvG0-dI44 Speaking during the ITV Referendum Debate] (9 June 2016) * Oh shit, we've got no plan. We haven’t thought about it. I didn’t think it would happen. Holy crap, what will we do? ** Reported comments after the vote for 'leave' in the EU referendum result (24 June 2016), as cited by [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]] and Raymond Newell in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-brexit-vote-weve-got-no-plan-7s7nc9xsw ''Johnson at 10: The Inside Story''] (Atlantic Books, 2023). Quote is from an extract published by ''The Times'' (London). * There is no need for haste about severing the UK's ties [with the EU] ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36615028 Brexit: David Cameron to quit after UK votes to leave EU], ''BBC News'' (24 June 2016) * [The UK is] no less united... nor indeed any less European [following the decision to leave the EU]. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36615028 Brexit: David Cameron to quit after UK votes to leave EU] ''BBC News'' (24 June 2016) * It is vital now to see this [Brexit] moment for what it is. This is not a time to quail, it is not a crisis, nor should we see it as an excuse for wobbling or self-doubt, but it is a moment for hope and ambition for Britain. A time not to fight against the tide of history, but to take that tide at the flood, and sail on to fortune. ** During the announcement that he would not run to become Britain's prime minister. A reference to Brutus's "There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune" in ''[[Julius Caesar (play)|Julius Caesar]]''. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/01/world/europe/britain-conservative-party.html] (June 30, 2016) * We can all spend an awfully long time going over lots of stuff that I've written over the last 30 years... all of which in my view have been taken out of context, but never mind... I'm afraid that there is such a rich thesaurus now of things that I have said that have been one way or another, through what alchemy I do not know, somehow misconstrued that it would take me too long to engage in a full global itinerary of apology to all concerned. ** in his first meeting with the press during visit by US Secretary of state John Kerry in July 2016 [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/pmqs-theresa-may-boris-johnson-racist-slur-picanninies-party-kenyan-obama-dodges-question-uk-foreign-a7146126.html "Theresa May dodges question about Boris Johnson's use of racial slurs"], Independent (July 20, 2016); [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/07/20/politics/boris-johnson-john-kerry-presser/index.html "Kerry poker-faced as press takes Johnson to task for 'outright lies'"], CNN (July 20, 2016) ==== 2017 ==== * If [[François Hollande|Monsieur Hollande]] wants to administer punishment beatings to anybody who chooses to escape, rather in the manner of some [[World War II|World War Two]] movie, then I don't think that is the way forward.<br />I think, actually, it's not in the interests of our friends and our partners. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38658998 "Brexit: Boris Johnson warns against 'punishment beatings'"] ''BBC News'' (18 January 2017) * I think [[Rex Tillerson]] is absolutely clear in his view, which is the same as mine. You have got to engage with Russia, but you have got to engage in a very guarded way. You have got to beware of what they are up to. There is no question that, when you look at Russian activity on the cyber front, when you look at what they are doing in the western Balkans, when you look at [[Prelude to the 2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|what has been happening in the Ukraine]], you've got to be very, very cautious. I think it is entirely right to have a dual track approach. We don't want to get into [[Cold War II|a new Cold War]]. That's something [[London]] and [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] are completely at one on. But nor do we want Russian behaviour to continue as it is - and Rex Tillerson has been very clear about that. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38991070 Boris Johnson says US agrees on need for caution over Russia], ''BBC News'', 16 February 2017 * There is no plan for no deal because we are going to get a great deal, ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-40571123 Boris Johnson: EU can 'go whistle' over Brexit divorce bill], ''BBC News'', 11 July 2017 * There's a group of UK business people, wonderful guys who want to invest in {{W|Sirte}}, on the coast, near where [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]] was actually captured and executed as some of you may have seen. And they literally have a brilliant vision to turn Sirte, with the help of the municipality of Sirte, to turn it into the next {{w|Dubai}}. '''The only thing they've got to do is clear the dead bodies away''' and then they'll be there. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/oct/03/sirte-can-become-a-holiday-destination-if-it-clears-the-dead-bodies-says-johnson Theresa May faces calls to sack Boris Johnson over Libya comments], in ''the Guardian''; published October 4, 2017 * [At a Commons Foreign Affairs Select Committee meeting on 1 November 2017] When I look at what [[w:Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe|Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe]] was doing, she was simply teaching people journalism, as I understand it. [Neither] Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe nor her family has been informed about what crime she has actually committed. And that I find extraordinary, incredible. * [In the Commons on 7 November 2017, after criticism his earlier comments might make Zaghari-Ratcliffe's position worse] My point was that I disagreed with the Iranian view that training journalists was a crime - not that I wanted to lend any credence to Iranian allegations that Mrs Zaghari-Ratcliffe has been engaged in such activity.<br />I accept that my remarks could have been clearer in that respect, and I'm glad to provide this clarification. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-41902883 Boris Johnson sorry if Zaghari-Ratcliffe remarks 'caused anxiety'], ''BBC News'' (7 November 2017). ** The reason for Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe's visit to Iran was for her daughter, Gabriella, to meet her grandparents. ==== 2018 ==== * Ridiculous outcry over [[Toby Young]]. He will bring independence, rigour and caustic wit. Ideal man for job. ** Tweet (3 January 2018) on Young's appointment to the board of the [[w:Office for Students|Office for Students]], the university regulator, as cited in [https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/toby-young-tweets-the-controversial-comments-that-led-to-his-resignation-a3735326.html "Toby Young tweets: the comments that led to his resignation"] ''Evening Standard'' (8 January 2018). ** Toby Young resigned after his extensive twitter history of dubious and sexist tweets received publicity. * [The attack was] a sign [from President Putin that] no-one could escape the long arm of Russian revenge ... [The attack] was a sign that President Putin or the [[Government of Russia|Russian state]] wanted to give to potential defectors in their own agencies: 'This is what happens to you if you decide to support a country with a different set of values. You can expect to be [[Assassination|assassinated]]'. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-43487948 Putin 'will use World Cup like Hitler's Olympics', agrees Johnson], ''BBC News'', 21 March 2018 * If you do that you have to answer the question what next? What if the [[Iran|Iranians]] do rush for a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear weapon]]? Are we seriously saying that we are going to bomb those facilities at Fordo and Natanz? Is that really a realistic possibility? Or do we work round what we have got and push back on Iran together? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44026548 Iran nuclear deal: Johnson courts Trump on Fox & Friends], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2018 * [T]hrow the baby out with the bathwater ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44026548 Iran nuclear deal: Johnson courts Trump on Fox & Friends], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2018 * If he can fix [[North Korea]] and if he can fix the Iran nuclear deal then I don't see why he is any less of a candidate for the [[w:Nobel Peace Prize|Nobel Peace Prize]] than Barack Obama, who got it before he even did anything, ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44026548 Iran nuclear deal: Johnson courts Trump on Fox & Friends], ''BBC News'', 7 May 2018 * I don't see why [[Donald Trump|he's]] any less of a candidate for the {{W|Nobel Peace Prize}} than [[Barack Obama]]. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-us-canada-44034266/boris-johnson-why-trump-could-deserve-nobel-peace-prize Boris Johnson: Why Trump could deserve Nobel Peace Prize] (7 May 2018) * [America wants to see] a confident free-trading Britain able to do its own deals ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44035676 Boris Johnson: No 10's post-Brexit customs plans 'crazy'], ''BBC News'', 8 May 2018 * [A trade deal with America can not be achieved if the UK remained] in the lunar pull of Brussels ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44035676 Boris Johnson: No 10's post-Brexit customs plans 'crazy'], ''BBC News'', 8 May 2018 * [A customs partnership would create] a whole new web of bureaucracy ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44035676 Boris Johnson: No 10's post-Brexit customs plans 'crazy'], ''BBC News'', 8 May 2018 * Fuck business. ** As cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44618154 "Boris Johnson challenged over Brexit business 'expletive'"], ''BBC News'' (26 June 2018). ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2018/06/23/eu-diplomats-shocked-boriss-four-letter-reply-business-concerns/ ''The Telegraph''] reported on 23 June EU diplomats present at a Foreign Office reception for the [[w:Monarch's Official Birthday|Queen's Official Birthday]] had heard Johnson making the comment. It followed a question from the Belgian ambassador about the concerns of business leaders over Brexit. At the same event he was apparently heard commenting about [[Theresa May]]'s attempts for a soft Brexit: "We will fight it and we will win." * [The Brexit] dream is dying, suffocated by needless self-doubt ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44775197 Theresa May's new-look cabinet meets amid Brexit turmoil] ''BBC News'' (10 July 2018) * If you tell me that the [[w:Burqa|burka]] is oppressive, then I am with you. If you say that it is weird and bullying to expect women to cover their faces, then I totally agree – and I would add that I can find no scriptural authority for the practice in the Koran. I would go further and say that it is '''absolutely ridiculous that people should choose to go around looking like letter boxes'''; and I thoroughly dislike any attempt by any – invariably male – government to encourage such demonstrations of "modesty". * If a constituent came to my MP’s surgery with her face obscured, I should feel fully entitled – like [[w:Jack Straw|Jack Straw]] – to ask her to remove it so that I could talk to her properly. If a female student turned up at school or at a university lecture '''looking like a bank robber''' then ditto: those in authority should be allowed to converse openly with those that they are being asked to instruct. * I am against a total ban because it is inevitably construed – rightly or wrongly – as being intended to make some point about Islam. If you go for a total ban, you play into the hands of those who want to politicise and dramatise the so-called [[w:Clash of Civilizations|clash of civilisations]]; and you fan the flames of grievance. You risk turning people into martyrs, and you risk a general crackdown on any public symbols of religious affiliation, and you may simply make the problem worse. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/08/05/denmark-has-got-wrong-yes-burka-oppressive-ridiculous-still/ "Denmark has got it wrong. Yes, the burka is oppressive and ridiculous – but that's still no reason to ban it"] ''The Telegraph'' (5 August 2018) * It [Theresa May's Chequers plan] is a humiliation. We look like a seven-stone weakling being comically bent out of shape by a 500lb gorilla. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45462900 Boris Johnson compares Chequers deal to 'suicide vest'] ''BBC News'' (9 September 2018) * Theresa May's Chequers plan for future relations with the EU would mean] abandoning our seat around the table in Brussels and continuing to accept the single market legislation ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45483679 Boris Johnson says May's Brexit plan 'worse than status quo'] ''BBC News'' (11 September 2018) * [There has been a] collective failure of government, and a collapse of will by the British establishment, to deliver on the mandate of the people. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [The Chequers proposals represented] the intellectual error of believing we can be half-in, half-out ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [A Super Canada deal would involve] zero tariffs and zero quotas [on all imports and exports] ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [A Super Canada deal would involve: mutual recognition agreements covering UK and EU regulations to ensure] conformity of goods with each other's standards ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [The UK should] chuck Chequers ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [There had been a] collective failure of government, and a collapse of will by the British establishment, to deliver on the mandate of the people ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * [EU regulations would] cheat the electorate ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45673214 Boris Johnson sets out his 'Super Canada' Brexit plan], ''BBC News'', 28 September 2018 * if we get [[w:Brexit|it]] wrong we will be punished ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45722675 Theresa May on why Boris Johnson speech made her cross], ''BBC News'', 2 October 2018 * [I am] grateful to the committee for recognising that there was no intention to mislead the House and that I had been completely transparent ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46467828 Boris Johnson apologises to MPs for failing to declare £52,000 in time], ''BBC News'', 6 December 2018 ==== 2019 ==== * [I] didn't say anything about [[Turkey]] during the referendum. Since I made no remarks...I can't disown them ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46926119 Brexit: Did Boris Johnson talk Turkey during referendum campaign?], ''BBC News'' (18 January 2019) * Take that [Irish border] backstop out, or at the very least give us a legally binding change - within the text of the agreement - that allows for the UK to come out [of the EU] of its own accord, and then we will be able to say that the agreement is imperfect but at least tolerable. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46951202 Brexit: May boxed into comfort zone as options disappear] ''BBC News'' (21 January 2019) * I think an awful lot of money, an awful lot of police time, now goes into these historic offences and all this malarkey and you know '''£60million I saw has been spaffed up the wall on some investigation into historic child abuse?'''<br />What on earth is that going to do to protect the public now? ** [https://www.lbc.co.uk/radio/presenters/nick-ferrari/boris-johnson-historial-child-abuse-investigation/ "Boris Johnson: Historical Child Abuse Investigation Is "Spaffing Money Up The Wall"] ''LBC'' (13 March 2019) * The British people won't be scared into backing a woeful Brexit deal nobody voted for ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47913555 Brexit: Boris Johnson 'wrong on no-deal polling claim'], ''BBC News'', 12 April 2019 * We are being asked to vote for a customs union and a second referendum. The Bill is directly against our manifesto - and I will not vote for it. We can and must do better - and deliver what the people voted for. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48360456 Brexit: PM under fire over new Brexit plan] ''BBC News'' (22 May 2019) * We will leave the EU on 31 October, deal or no deal. The way to get a good deal is to prepare for a no deal. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48403705 Tory leadership: Rivals clash over support for no-deal Brexit], ''BBC News'' (25 May 2019) * [I will beat Labour and] put [[Nigel Farage]] back in his box ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * We will not be forgiven if we do not deliver Brexit on October 31 ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * We need to realise the depth of the problems we face. Unless we get on and do this thing, we will be punished for a very long time. There is a very real choice between getting Brexit done and the potential extinction of this great party. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * I believe I am best placed to lift this party, beat [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and excite people about conservatism and conservative values. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48521389 Tory leadership: Johnson warns party of risk of Brexit 'extinction'], ''BBC News'' (5 June 2019) * [The backstop is a "monstrosity" that wipes out the UK's sovereignty and is] being used to coerce the UK into becoming a vassal state of Brussels ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-48583352 Tory leadership hopefuls set out Brexit Irish backstop policy], ''BBC News'' (11 June 2019) * [I am] not aiming for a no-deal [Brexit] outcome ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48602988 Brexit: Boris Johnson says he is 'not aiming for no deal'], ''BBC News'' (12 June 2019) * [I will take the UK out of the EU by Halloween] come what may, do or die ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48767191 Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt divided over Brexit plans], ''BBC News'' (26 June 2019) * If you Brexit sensibly and effectively, you take away so much of the ammunition of the SNP. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-politics-48744493 Tory leadership: Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt on Scotland], ''BBC News'' (27 June 2019) * We should actively campaign for a public understanding of the benefits of the [UK] union, economic and strategic, for the people and its component nations, ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-politics-48817848 Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt pledge to safeguard union], ''BBC News'' (30 June 2019) * '''Interviewer:''' Can you give an example, in your political life, when you've set your own self-interest aside for the benefit of the country?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' Well, er, pfft, um, it's a good question, but er, I, I, I would, you know, I don't, obviously, it's an embarrassing but, but true that, um, er, it is obviously, possible, er, how should I put this, to make more money, er, by not being a full-time politician. Um, I don't, I don't want to put too finer point on it, er, but, you know, you have to, you have to, you have to, make sacrifices sometimes. ** [https://twitter.com/Channel4News/status/1147103540827082754 Conservative Leadership Contest Hustings in Darlington], ''Channel 4 News''/''Twitter'' (5 July 2019) * '''Andrew Neil:''' You talk about article 5B in {{w|GATT 24}}.<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' Article 24, get it right Andrew, it's article 24, paragraph 5B.<br />'''Andrew Neil:''' And how would you handle paragraph 5C?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' I would confide entirely in paragraph 5B.<br />'''Andrew Neil:''' But how would you get round what's in 5C?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' I would confide entirely in paragraph 5B which is enough for out purposes.<br />'''Andrew Neil:''' Do you know what is in 5C?<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' No. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-48971407 Andrew Neil tests Boris Johnson's knowledge of GATT 24], ''BBC News'' (12 July 2019) * [I will] deliver Brexit, unite the country and defeat Jeremy Corbyn ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49084605 Boris Johnson wins race to be Tory leader and PM], ''BBC News'' (23 July 2019) * We are going to energise the country. We are going to get Brexit done on 31 October and take advantage of all the opportunities it will bring with a new spirit of can do. We are once again going to believe in ourselves, and like some slumbering giant we are going to rise and ping off the guy ropes of self doubt and negativity. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49084605 Boris Johnson wins race to be Tory leader and PM], ''BBC News'' (23 July 2019) * Under no circumstances would we agree to any free-trade deal that put the NHS on the table. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49107417 Boris Johnson: Premiership will be the start of a golden age], ''BBC News'' (25 July 2019) * We want to, and we are going to, deliver on the mandate of the people, which is to take the UK out of the EU whole and entire on 31 October ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49125078 Boris Johnson 'absolutely' rules out pre-Brexit election], ''BBC News'' (26 July 2019) * [The Irish border backstop would] keep us locked in EU regulatory orbit, locked in the EU trading system, unable to control our own laws ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49280689 Brexit: Boris Johnson calls for 'common sense' compromise], ''BBC News'' (8 August 2019) * Preparing urgently and rapidly for the possibility of an [EU] exit without a deal will be my top priority, and it will be the top priority for the civil service too. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49295556 No-deal Brexit preparations 'top priority', Boris Johnson says], ''BBC News'' (9 August 2019) * MPs should "honour the mandate of the people" by leaving the EU. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49285670 Brexit: Corbyn seeks clarity on 'unconstitutional' election-time no-deal], ''BBC News'' (9 August 2019) * There's a terrible kind of collaboration as it were, going on between people who think they can block Brexit in Parliament and our European friends ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49348072 Boris Johnson: Brexit opponents 'collaborating' with EU], ''BBC News'' (14 August 2019) * [The Irish border backstop is] inconsistent with the sovereignty of the UK ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49402840 Brexit: Boris Johnson says 'anti-democratic' backstop must be scrapped], ''BBC News'' (20 August 2019) * I do think they [the EU] understand there's an opportunity to do a deal. I think it's going to be touch and go. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/brexit-deal-boris-johnson-donald-tusk-meeting-g7-summit-a9078646.html Brexit: Johnson accused of ‘gaslighting’ voters amid claims he offered nothing new in EU meeting], ''The Independent'' (26 August 2019) * I just say to everybody in the country, including everyone in Parliament, the fundamental choice is this: Are you going to side with [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and those who want to cancel the referendum? Are you going to side with those who want to scrub the democratic verdict of the people - and plunge this country into chaos. Or are you going to side with those of us who want to get on, deliver the mandate of the people and focus with absolute, laser-like precision on the domestic agenda? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49540681 Brexit: Michel Barnier rejects demands for backstop to be axed] ''BBC News'' (1 September 2019) * [I would] rather be '''dead in a ditch''' [than ask the EU to delay Brexit beyond 31 October] ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49598118 PM: I'd rather be dead in ditch than delay Brexit] ''BBC News'' (5 September 2019) ** In October 2019 Boris Johnson ''did'' send a request to the EU to delay Brexit in breach of this assurance. * I've looked carefully at no deal, I've assessed its consequences, both for our country and yours, and yes, of course, we could do it, the UK could certainly get through it, but be in no doubt that the outcome would be a failure of statecraft. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-49608822 Johnson tells Varadkar no-deal Brexit 'would be a failure'] ''BBC News'' (9 September 2019) * '''Man:''' The NHS has been destroyed. It's been destroyed. It's been destroyed, and now you come here for a press opportunity.<br />'''Boris Johnson:''' Well actually there's no press here.<br />'''Man:''' ''[Points at camera crew]'' What do you mean there's no press here? ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-49740419/boris-johnson-confronted-on-east-london-hospital-visit Boris Johnson confronted on east London hospital visit] (18 September 2019) * I've never heard such humbug in all my life. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-49845762/labour-mp-pm-should-be-ashamed-of-surrender-act-language Response to an MP's description of being subject to death threats and abuse], ''BBC News'' (25 September 2019) * We have got a deal, oven-ready, by which we can leave the EU in a few weeks. It’s a great deal for this country. It delivers everything that I wanted when I campaigned for Brexit **[https://political-lies.co.uk/we-have-got-a-deal-oven-ready-by-which-we-can-leave-the-eu-in-a-few-weeks/ Lies, Falsehoods and Misrepresentations from Boris Johnson to Keir Starmer], ''Political Lies'' (6 November 2019) * Let's get Brexit done, but first my friends let's get breakfast done. ** [https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/boris-johnson-general-election-speech-17414354 'Let's get Brexit done, but first my friends let's get breakfast done' says PM Boris Johnson], ''Manchester Evening News'' (13 December 2019) ** On the morning after 2019 parliamentary election ===2020s=== ====2020==== * I was at a hospital the other night where I think there were a few [[coronavirus]] patients and I shook hands with everybody, you will be pleased to know, and I continue to shake hands. People obviously can make up their own minds but I think the scientific evidence is... our judgement is that [[Hand washing|washing your hands]] is the crucial thing. ** On the [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom]], at a press conference, as quoted in ''[https://www.newsweek.com/boris-johnson-says-shaken-hands-coronavirus-patients-1490214 U.K. Leader Boris Johnson Boasts He Has Shaken Hands With Coronavirus Patients]'' by Khaleda Rahman, 3 March 2020, ''{{w|Newsweek}}''. * I want to stress that for the vast majority of the people of this country, we should be going about our business as usual. ** As quoted in ''[https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-51718917 Coronavirus: Up to fifth of UK workers 'could be off sick at same time']'', 3 March 2020, ''{{w|BBC News}}''. * We are embarked now on a great voyage, a project that no one thought in the international community that this country would have the guts to undertake, but if we are brave and if we truly commit to the logic of our mission - open, outward-looking - generous, welcoming, engaged with the world championing global free trade now when global free trade needs a global champion. I believe we can make a huge success of this venture, for Britain, for our European friends, and for the world. ** [https://www.gov.uk/government/speeches/pm-speech-in-greenwich-3-february-2020 Speech at Old Naval College Greenwich after Britain’s departure from the EU, 3rd Feb 2020] * We are telling cafes, bars, pubs and restaurants to close tonight as soon as they reasonably can and not to open tomorrow. To be clear they can continue to provide take out services. Night clubs, theatres, gyms and leisure centres should close on the same time scale. These are places where people come together and indeed the whole purpose is to bring people together. Some people will be tempted to go out tonight. Please don't. You may think you are invincible bit there is no guarantee you will get mild symptoms. As far as possible we want you to stay at home - that's how we can protect our [[National Health Service|NHS]] and save lives. ** Requested the closure of pubs, restaurants, gyms, entertainment venues, museums and galleries that evening due to the coronavirus pandemic, at his daily 5pm press conference on 20 March 2020 [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/global-health/science-and-disease/coronavirus-news-uk-latest-italy-deaths-cases-schools-lockdown/ as quoted in ''The Daily Telegraph'']. * We have so far succeeded in the first and most important task we set ourselves as a nation to avoid the tragedy that engulfed other parts of the world. ** [https://www.gov.uk/government/news/prime-ministers-statement-on-coronavirus-covid-19-30-april-2020 Prime Minister's statement on coronavirus] (30 April 2020) * At this stage I do not think that the international comparisons and the data are yet there to draw the conclusions that we want. ** [https://hansard.parliament.uk/Commons/2020-05-06/debates/FD4CE89E-F564-4D9F-B396-59684C404BB8/PrimeMinister Prime Minister's Questions] (6 May 2020) * I am meant to be in control. I am the Führer. I’m the king who takes the decisions. ** Reported comment as cited by Anthony Seldon and Raymond Newell in ''Johnson at 10: The Inside Story''] (Atlantic Books, 2023) reprinted in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-im-fuhrer-king-dominic-cummings-carrie-symonds-zvsb6txvs "'I’m the Führer, the king': inside Boris Johnson’s chaotic world"] ''The Sunday Times'' (23 April 2023) ** Reported comments (possibly spring 2020) after he returned to work after suffering from [[Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]] in the context of having delegated responsibilities to [[Dominic Cummings]]. * [On the assumption [[w:Carrie Johnson|Carrie Symonds, now Johnson]], had briefed against [[Dominic Cummings]]] She hasn't briefed anyone and my instructions to all were to shut the <!-- as rendered in the source -->f*** up. How is any of us supposed to know where these briefings come from?<br />Look at the claims made on behalf of allies of [[w:Lee Cain|Lee [Cain]]] and Dom, that I'm out in six months, that I can't take decisions, that Carrie is secretly forging lockdown policy, and about a billion equally demented claims. Are you responsible for all that crap? No. Then look at it from my point of view.<br />This is a totally disgusting orgy of narcissism by a government that should be solving a national crisis. ** Last message (November 2020) to Dominic Cummings before his departure from Downing Street, as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/covid-inquiry-live-dominic-cummings-latest-news-boris-johnson-lq3c28v9p "Dominic Cummings attacks Boris Johnson over pandemic response — as it happened"], ''The Times'' (31 October 2023). * [The Conservative Party] thinks the whole thing is pathetic and Covid is just Nature's way of dealing with old people – and I am not entirely sure I disagree with them. A lot of moderate people think it is a bit too much. ** Reported comment to Sir [[w:Patrick Vallance|Patrick Vallance]] (recorded in his notes) during December 2020 revealed at the [[w:UK Covid-19 Inquiry|UK's COVID Inquiry]], as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/31/natures-way-of-dealing-with-old-people-the-damning-messages-revealed-to-covid-inquiry "'Nature’s way of dealing with old people': the damning messages revealed to Covid inquiry"], ''The Guardian'' (31 October 2023). ====2021==== * We have to recognise that the old concepts of fighting big tank battles on European land mass are over, and there are other, better things we should be investing in, in [[w:Future Combat Air System (UK)|FCAS]], in the future combat air system, in cyber, this is how warfare in the future is going to be. ** At the [[w:Liaison Committee (House of Commons of the United Kingdom)|Liaison Committee of the House of Commons]] (17 November 2021) in response to [[w:Tobias Ellwood|Tobias Ellwood]] (Conservative MP and chairman of the [[w:Defence Select Committee|Defence Select Committee]]) querying a decline in British army tank deployment, cited in [https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2022/02/watch-boris-johnson-claimed-the-days-of-big-tank-battles-in-europe-were-over "WATCH: Boris Johnson claimed the days of big tank battles in Europe were over"] ''New Statesman'' (25 February 2022) ** At the time, Russian tanks were gathering on the Ukrainian border prior to the [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russian invasion of Ukraine]] on 24 February 2022. * No more fucking [[w:COVID-19 lockdown in the United Kingdom|lockdowns]] - let the bodies pile high in their thousands. ** Reportedly said by Johnson in a government meeting in October 2021, as cited in [https://www.reuters.com/world/uk/uk-denies-report-that-pm-johnson-said-let-bodies-pile-high-2021-04-26/ "UK denies that Johnson said 'let the bodies pile high'"] ''Reuters'' (26 April 2022) ** Denied by Number 10. First reported by the ''Daily Mail'', the statement was corroborated by other sources *I just think it's time for some of our dearest friends to "prenez un grip" and "donnez-moi un break". **On the [[w:AUKUS|AUKUS]] military pact, as per [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-58651358 BBC News] * I repeat, Mr. Speaker, that I have been repeatedly assured since these allegations emerged that there was no party, and that no COVID rules were broken. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-59580640 Statement in the House of Commons] (8 December 2021) * I can tell you; I DO brush it! I have a comb in my office! ** Johnson to BBC Reporter (2021) ** On his untidy hair. ====2022==== * I believed implicitly that this was a work event. But Mr. Speaker, with hindsight, I should have sent everyone back inside, I should have found some other way to thank them, and I should have recognised that even if it could be said technically to fall within the guidelines, there would be millions and millions of people who simply would not see it that way. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-59969631 Statement in the House of Commons] (12 January 2022) * I am not going to mince my words. I have got to say this. [[Keir Starmer|Sir Beer Korma]] is currently failing to hold himself to the same high standards that he demanded of me. **In a Commons debate on the [[w:Partygate|Partygate]] scandal where Keir Starmer was also under investigation for [[w:Beergate|a curry event during COVID-19 restrictions]]. * [I]f we took away the whip from everyone here [in the House of Commons] who's pinched someone's bottom, we'll lose our majority. ** Said "in the heat of the moment", according to Johnson's former communications director [[w:Guto Harri|Guto Harri]] reportedly during the [[w:Chris Pincher scandal|Chris Pincher scandal]] (c. July 2022), as cited in [https://www.politico.eu/article/boris-johnson-joked-tories-would-lose-majority-if-they-sacked-every-groper-claims-ex-aide/ "Boris Johnson joked UK Tories would lose majority if they sacked every groper, claims ex-aide"], ''Politico'' (15 June 2023) ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/chris-pincher-grope-allegations-boris-johnson-b2114609.html According to Dominic Cummings], Johnson had used the phrase "Pincher by name, pincher by nature" about the MP around 2020. * It is clearly now the [[will]] of the parliamentary [[Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] that there should be a new leader of that party and therefore a new prime minister. … I know that there will be many people who are relieved and perhaps quite a few who will also be disappointed. And I want you to know how sad I am to be giving up the best job in the [[world]]. But them's the breaks. … I want to thank you, the British public, for the immense [[privilege]] that you have given me. And I want you to know that from now on until the new prime minister is in place, your interests will be served and the [[government]] of [[United Kingdom|the country]] will be carried on. ** Quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/07/07/boris-johnson-resignation-speech-downing-street-prime-minister/ "Boris Johnson’s resignation speech: full transcript" by Phoebe Southworth, in ''The Telegraph'' (7 July 2022)] ====2023==== * He [Vladimir Putin] threatened me at one point, and he said, "Boris, I don't want to hurt you but, with a missile, it would only take a minute" or something like that. Jolly.<br />But I think from the very relaxed tone that he was taking, the sort of air of detachment that he seemed to have, he was just playing along with my attempts to get him to negotiate. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-64397745 "Ukraine: Boris Johnson says Putin threatened him with missile strike"] ''BBC News'' (30 January 2023) ** Account of a phone call in February 2022 shortly before the [[w:2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine|Russian invasion of Ukraine]] in a BBC documentary series (''Putin vs the West'') on [[Vladimir Putin|President Putin]]'s contacts with world leaders. A Kremlin spokesman is reported to have described Johnson's account as "a lie". * To those who say we may be denuding our own arsenals by giving the support, I say what is the point in deploying tanks and planes in North Carolina or North Rhine-Westphalia when Ukrainians could be using them now, where they are needed to help assure our collective security for decades? ** From a speech delivered to the [[w:Atlantic Council|Atlantic Council]] cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/feb/01/boris-johnson-calls-on-us-to-give-ukraine-fighter-planes "Boris Johnson calls on US to give Ukraine fighter planes"] ''The Guardian'' (1 February 2023) * I believe that, once this war is done, once the Ukrainians have won, then yes they should begin the process of induction both to Nato and to the EU. ** From the same speech delivered to the [[w:Atlantic Council|Atlantic Council]] cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/boris-johnson-brexit-ukraine-kyiv-france-b2273919.html "Brexit allowed UK to 'do things differently' in supporting Ukraine, says Johnson"] ''The Independent'' (2 February 2023) * I have received a letter from the Privileges Committee making it clear - much to my amazement - that they are determined to use the proceedings against me to drive me out of Parliament. They have still not produced a shred of evidence that I knowingly or recklessly misled the Commons. They know perfectly well that when I spoke in the Commons, I was saying what I believed sincerely to be true and what I had been briefed to say, like any other minister. They know that I corrected the record as soon as possible; and they know that I and every other senior official and minister - including the current Prime Minister and then occupant of the same building, [[Rishi Sunak]] - believed that we were working lawfully together. I have been an MP since 2001. I take my responsibilities seriously. I did not lie, and I believe that in their hearts, the Committee know it. But they have wilfully chosen to ignore the truth, because from the outset, their purpose has not been to discover the truth, or genuinely to understand what was in my mind when I spoke in the Commons. Their purpose from the beginning has been to find me guilty, regardless of the facts. This is the very definition of a kangaroo court. Most members of the Committee - especially the chair - had already expressed deeply prejudicial remarks about my guilt before they had even seen the evidence. They should have recused themselves. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-65863336 "Resignation statement in full as Boris Johnson steps down"], ''BBC News'' (9 June 2023) ====2024–present==== * [In March 2021, I] had commissioned some work on whether it might be technically feasible to launch an aquatic raid on a warehouse in Leiden, in the Netherlands, and to take that which was legally ours and which the UK desperately needed. * [After consultations] I secretly agreed with what they all thought, but did not want to say aloud: that the whole thing was nuts. ** Passages from ''[[w:Unleashed (book)|Unleashed]]'', as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/sep/27/boris-johnson-considered-raid-dutch-warehouse-seize-covid-vaccine "Boris Johnson: we considered 'aquatic raid' on Netherlands to seize Covid vaccine"], ''The Guardian'' (28 September 2024) ** The [[w:Oxford–AstraZeneca COVID-19 vaccine|AstraZeneca]] vaccine for COVID was at the centre of an argument over exports with the [[European Union|EU]] at the time. Former ministers who had worked with Johnson at the time suggested to [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2024/sep/28/senior-tories-cast-doubt-over-boris-johnsons-plan-to-invade-the-netherlands ''The Observer''] that the former prime minister may simply have put forward such proposals as a joke with the intention of including the proposal in his eventual memoirs. * Frankly, once I pulled the carpets out of the flat in No 11, which is where we lived … the whole thing was looking a bit like a crack den, to be totally honest, and it needed to be refurbished. ** From an interview on LBC (8 October 2024), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/boris-johnson-downing-street-crack-den-bqq83dvfw "Boris Johnson says Downing Street flat looked like a crack den"], ''The Times'' (8 October 2024) ** Defending the refurbishment of the flat, controversial at time because of the cost and (originally) opaque funding, which was formerly occupied by Johnson's predecessor, Theresa May, and her husband. * We're waging a proxy war ([[Russian invasion of Ukraine]]), but we're not giving our proxies the ability to do the job. For years now, we've been allowing them to fight with one hand tied behind their backs and it has been cruel. ** [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2024/11/28/uk-troops-should-help-defend-ukraine-border-in-ceasefire/ Our troops should help defend Ukraine’s border in possible ceasefire, says Boris Johnson] ([https://archive.is/cPxLo Archived]), ''Telegraph'' (28 November 2024) == Attributed == * [On [[George W. Bush]]] What has brought so many folk on to the streets, however, is a much broader case: '''the President is a cross-eyed [[Texas|Texan]] warmonger, unelected, inarticulate, who epitomises the arrogance of [[Foreign policy of the United States|American foreign policy]]''' and who by his violent and ill-thought-out actions in Afghanistan and Iraq has made the world a more dangerous place.<br />In so far as this may be an accurate representation of the marchers' beliefs, it deserves an answer. Let us dispense with the trivial abuse. The President was duly elected. He cannot help his buzzard-like appearance. Whatever the deficiencies of his syntax, they do not justify the loathing in which he is held. ** Unsigned editorial titled [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/infantile-resentment/ "Infantile resentment"], ''The Spectator'' (22 November 2003), p. 7. ** Multiple sources attribute this column to Johnson (usually by citing the passage in bold): [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1557548/Boris-Johnson-in-quotes.html ''The Telegraph''] (London, 2007 [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/london-mayor-election/mayor-of-london/8095693/Boris-Johnsons-verbal-gaffes.html and] 2010), [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2016/07/boris-johnsons-foreign-strained-relations/491237/ ''The Atlantic''] (2016), and [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/07/23/stupefying-ignorance-what-boris-johnson-said-about-trump-when-he-wasnt-being-so-diplomatic/ ''The Washington Post''] (2019). * With friends like these, who needs [[Yemen|Yemenis]]? ** At a summit about the civil war in Yemen, [https://www.ft.com/content/4060a7e0-9972-11e7-a652-cde3f882dd7b ''Financial Times''] (19 September 2017) == Quotes about Boris Johnson == [[File:Baroness_Brenda_Hale.jpg|thumb|The Prime Minister's advice to Her Majesty was unlawful, void and of no effect ~ {{w|Brenda Marjorie Hale}}]] [[File:Joe_Biden_(48554137807)_(cropped).jpg|thumb|Boris Johnson, who is kind of a physical and emotional clone of the president [Donald Trump] ~ [[Joe Biden]]]] [[File:David_Davis_2016.jpg|thumb|In the name of God go ~ [[David Davis]]]] :<small>'''Listed in chronological order.'''</small> ===1982–2006=== * Boris sometimes seems affronted when criticised for what amounts to a gross failure of responsibility. * I think he honestly believes that it is churlish of us not to regard him as an exception, one who should be free of the network of obligation which binds everyone else. ** {{w|Martin Hammond}}, [https://www.itv.com/news/2019-07-23/boris-johnson-who-the-man-really-is-according-to-those-who-know-him/ writing to Johnson's father Stanley], reporting on his conduct as a pupil at {{w|Eton College}} (April 1982). * Boris was told to engage his brain before speaking in future. ** Conservative Party official, quoted in "Black Dog", ''The Mail on Sunday'' (12 September 2004) p. 26 * You are a self-centred, pompous twit. Even your body language on [[Television|TV]] is pathetic. Get out of public life. Go and do something in the private sector. ** Paul Bigley (brother of murdered hostage, [[w:Kenneth Bigley|Kenneth Bigley]]) to Johnson on Radio City in Liverpool. Quoted in Nigel Bunyan, "Have we got views for you, Mr Johnson", ''The Daily Telegraph'' (21 October 2004) p. 3 * Boris Johnson, people always ask me the same question, they say, 'Is Boris a very very clever man pretending to be an idiot?' And I always say, 'No.' ** [[Ian Hislop]] on ''[[w:Parkinson (TV series)|Parkinson]]'' (19 November 2006). *Boris Johnson voted in favour of scrapping section 28, although he had previously compared gay marriage to bestiality in a book he published, and referred to gay men as "tank-topped bumboys" while working as a journalist. **[https://shop.workingclasshistory.com/collections/books/products/working-class-history-everyday-acts-resistance-rebellion-book ''Working Class History''] (2020) ===2012–2018=== * Most politicians are ambitious and ruthless, but Boris is a gold medal egomaniac. I would not trust him with my wife nor – from painful experience – my wallet. It is unnecessary to take any moral view about his almost crazed infidelities, but it is hard to believe that any man so conspicuously incapable of controlling his own libido is fit to be trusted with controlling the country.<br />His chaotic public persona is not an act – he is, indeed, manically disorganised about everything except his own image management. He is also a far more ruthless, and frankly nastier, figure than the public appreciates. * I would not take Boris's word about whether it is Monday or Tuesday. ** [[w:Max Hastings|Max Hastings]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/oct/10/boris-johnson-unfit-to-be-prime-minister "Boris Johnson: brilliant, warm, funny – and totally unfit to be PM"] ''The Guardian'' (10 October 2012), reprinted (in an edited form) from "If Boris ever becomes PM, I'm on the first plane out of Britain" ''Daily Mail'' (9 October 2012) * What does that say about you Boris Johnson? Aren't you in fact making up quotes, lying to your party leader, wanting to be part of someone being physically assaulted...'''you're a nasty piece of work, aren't you?''' ** Interviewed by [[Eddie Mair]], a stand-in presenter on ''[[w:The Andrew Marr Show|The Andrew Marr Show]]'', cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/iv-drip/transcript-eddie-mair-grills-boris-johnson-on-the-andrew-marr-show-8547356.html "Transcript: Eddie Mair grills Boris Johnson on the Andrew Marr Show"] ''The Independent'' (24 March 2013). ** References to [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/revealed-boris-johnson-s-piers-gaveston-porkies/ false quotes Johnson attributed] to historian [[w:Colin Lucas|Colin Lucas]] (his godfather; Johnson was fired from ''The Times''); [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2004/nov/14/uk.conservatives lying to] Conservative leader [[w:Michael Howard|Michael Howard]] about his affair with Petronella Wyatt (he was sacked from his post as shadow arts minister) and [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/darius-boris-and-a-blast-from-the-past-1658043.html his telephone conversation in 1990] with Old Etonian friend [[w:Darius Guppy|Darius Guppy]] who wanted another journalist beaten up and asked Johnson for the man's personal details. * There's no point trying to contain Boris. He's mayor of London, he can speak out if he wants to ** [[David Cameron]] as quoted in [http://www.politics.co.uk/news/2012/10/07/cameron-s-heir-pm-sees-bright-future-for-boris "Cameron's heir? PM sees bright future for Boris by Alex Stevenson at ''Politics''] (7 October 2013). * The book reads as if it was dictated, not written. All the way through we hear Boris's voice; it’s like being cornered in the Drones Club and harangued for hours by [[w:Bertie Wooster|Bertie Wooster]]. ** [[Richard J. Evans]] [https://web.archive.org/web/20141120123807/https://www.newstatesman.com/books/2014/11/one-man-who-made-history-another-who-seems-just-make-it-boris-churchill "'One man who made history' by another who seems just to make it up: Boris on Churchill"] ''New Statesman'' (13 November 2014). ** From a review of Johnson's book ''[[w:The Churchill Factor|The Churchill Factor: How One Man Made History]]'' (Hodder & Stoughton, October 2014) * Mr. Johnson ... made his name in Brussels not with honest reporting but with extreme euroskepticism, tirelessly attacking, mocking and denigrating the European Union. He wrote about European Union plans to take over Europe, ban Britain’s favorite potato chips, standardize condom sizes and blow up its own asbestos-filled headquarters. These articles were undoubtedly colorful but they bore scant relation to the truth. ** [[w:Martin Fletcher|Martin Fletcher]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/22/opinion/who-is-to-blame-for-brexits-appeal-british-newspapers.html "Who Is to Blame for Brexit's Appeal? British Newspapers"], ''The New York Times'' (21 June 2016) * I have come, reluctantly, to the conclusion that Boris cannot provide the leadership or build the team for the task ahead. ** [[Michael Gove]] [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/jun/30/goves-leadership-bid-statement-in-full "Gove's leadership bid statement in full"] ''The Guardian'' (30 June 2016) ** Gove unexpectedly became a candidate to succeed [[David Cameron]] as prime minister and Conservative party leader after Cameron's resignation following the announcement of the [[w:2016 United Kingdom European Union membership referendum|European Union membership referendum]]'s 'leave' result on 24 June 2016. * I am surprised and disappointed that you have chosen to repeat the figure of £350 million per week, in connection with the amount that might be available for extra public spending when we leave the European Union. This confuses gross and net contributions. It also assumes that payments currently made to the UK by the EU, including for example for the support of agriculture and scientific research, will not be paid by the UK government when we leave. It is a clear misuse of official statistics. ** [https://www.statisticsauthority.gov.uk/correspondence/use-of-350million-per-week-figure-to-describe-uks-financial-contributions-to-the-eu/ "Open letter to Boris Johnson"] from {{w|David Norgrove}}, Chair of the {{w|UK Statistics Authority}} (17 September 2017)<ref>{{Cite web|last=Norgrove|first=David|url=https://www.statisticsauthority.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Letter-from-Sir-David-Norgrove-to-Foreign-Secretary.pdf|title=Letter from Sir David Norgrove to Foreign Secretary|date=17 September 2017|access-date=1 April 2020|website={{w|UK Statistics Authority}}}}</ref> * He has turned being an upper-class buffoon into an art form. ** [[Emily Thornberry]] in an [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SSwxQD2_os&feature=emb_rel_end interview with Owen Jones], ''The Guardian'' (10 October 2017). * Not in my lifetime has there been a politician with less substance inflicting greater national damage. ** [[Oliver Kamm]] [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnsons-big-idea-on-brexit-is-just-preposterous-th6hwmgtq "Boris Johnson’s big idea on Brexit is just preposterous"] ''The Times'' (14 February 2018). ** Kamm was born in 1963. * I've made an assessment of him over many years. He is a shallow populist – manifestly unsuitable for high office – who would undoubtedly be a disaster for the country and bring doom to the Conservative Party. ** [[Dominic Grieve]] (former Conservative Attorney General), as cited in [https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/brexit-news-dominic-grieve-boris-johnson-people-s-vote-34060/ "Dominic Grieve: 'Boris is a shallow populist'"], ''The New European'' (10 October 2018). ===2019–2020=== * I know that within the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Tory party]] the hard [[Brexit|Brexiteers]] are compared to the leaders of the [[French Revolution|French revolution]]. I think [[Michael Gove|Gove]] is [[Jacques Pierre Brissot|Brissot]], and Boris Johnson is [[Georges Danton|Danton]], and [[Jacob Rees-Mogg|Rees-Mogg]] is compared to [[Robespierre]]. We should not forget that the efforts of these men were not appreciated by the common man they claimed to represent – because they all ended up on the [[guillotine]]. So that’s important to remind [them]. ** [[Guy Verhofstadt]], [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/brexit-eu-parliament-brexiteers-guillotine-guy-verhofstadt-jacob-rees-mogg-erg-a8775281.html Brexit: Guy Verhofstadt suggests Leave campaigners could ‘end up on the guillotine’] * You just don't care for anything because you're spoilt. You have no care for money or anything. ** {{w|Carrie Symonds}}, in a [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/jun/21/police-called-to-loud-altercation-at-boris-johnsons-home recording of an altercation between her and Johnson], made by their neighbours (21 June 2019). * Boris is an intellectual. They are rare among PMs. [[Gordon Brown]] was one, as was [[Arthur Balfour|A J Balfour]] at the beginning of the 20th century. Boris should write a book a year to keep his mind engaged and active. * Boris will be the most fun prime minister since [[Harold Wilson]]. We need that quality back into the heart of the nation and recognise that quality of life matters as much as economic [[statistics]]. * Boris is a big man who doesn’t bear grudges. He should have a broad-based government of all talents. Once Brexit is resolved, there'll be long overdue challenges to solve. * We must let Boris be Boris — and watch the fun begin. ** [[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]] [https://www.standard.co.uk/evening-standard/comment/comment/build-a-team-to-do-the-hard-graft-then-let-boris-be-boris-and-watch-the-fun-at-no-10-a4195396.html "Build a team to do the hard graft, then let Boris be Boris and watch the fun at No 10"] ''Evening Standard'' (22 July 2019) * Good man, he's tough and he's smart. They're saying "Britain Trump", they call him "Britain Trump". ** [[Donald Trump]] [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-us-canada-49090804/trump-on-johnson-they-call-him-britain-trump speaking to conservative high school students in Washington] (23 July 2019). * A clownish figure with silly hair and a passing relationship with the truth. ** [[John Oliver]] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXyO_MC9g3k on his show, Last Week Tonight] (28 July 2019). Quoted by ''[[w:Vanity Fair|Vanity Fair]]''. [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/07/john-oliver-last-week-tonight-boris-johnson-donald-trump John Oliver Explains Why Boris Johnson Is Not the Same as Donald Trump] (29 July 2019). * 90,000 Conservative members, whose views have become more extreme as their numbers have fallen, recently selected Boris Johnson as their new leader, and thus as the country's new prime minister. In doing so, they have chosen a mendacious chancer. It is no exaggeration to say that Johnson has lied his way to the top, first in journalism and then in politics. ** [[Chris Patten]], former chairman of the Conservative Party, writing in an opinion column entitled [https://www.project-syndicate.org/commentary/britain-brexit-failed-state-by-chris-patten-2019-08 "Is Britain Becoming a Failed State?"] (20 August 2019). * The Prime Minister's advice to Her Majesty was unlawful, void and of no effect. ** Statement by {{w|Brenda Marjorie Hale}}, then {{w|President of the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom}}, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49810680 on Boris Johnson's prorogation of Parliament] (24 September 2019). * Feel a bit sick at Jo's name being used in this way. ** [https://twitter.com/MrBrendanCox/status/1176958217122983938 Brendan Cox on Johnson's assertion that getting Brexit done would honour the memory of his murdered wife] (25 September 2019). * My brother is using words like surrender and capitulation as if the people standing in the way of the blessed will of the people as defined by 17.4m votes in 2016 should be hung, drawn, quartered, tarred and feathered. I think that is highly reprehensible language to use. ** {{w|Rachel Johnson}} speaking on [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/sep/26/boris-johnson-refuses-to-apologise-for-language-about-jo-cox Sky News] (26 September 2019). *The thing about the greased piglet is that he manages to slip through other people’s hands where mere mortals fail. ** {{w|David Cameron}} [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/oct/17/greased-piglet-boris-johnson-could-pass-deal-says-david-cameron 'Greased piglet' Boris Johnson could pass deal, says David Cameron] ''The Guardian'' (17 October 2019). * The Prime Minister of our nation will, at times, have to stand up to President Trump, President Putin, President Xi of China. So it is surely not expecting too much that he spend half an hour standing up to me. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2019-50679252 "General election 2019: Andrew Neil issues interview challenge to Johnson"] (5 December 2019). * Look what happens when the Labour party moves so, so far to the left. It comes up with ideas that are not able to be contained within a rational basis quickly. You're also going to see people saying, my God, Boris Johnson, who is kind of a physical and emotional clone of the president, is able to win. ** [[Joe Biden]] speaking at [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/dec/13/democrats-labour-biden-bernie-sanders-warren a campaign fundraiser in San Francisco] (14 December 2019). * The Boris Johnson [[w:Premiership of Boris Johnson|government]]'s initial [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic|response to COVID-19]] was the now discredited policy of "[[herd immunity]]" — the strategy of letting [[COVID-19|the virus]] rip through the [[w:Demography of the United Kingdom|population]], infecting up to 40 million people, most of whom would recover and then supposedly be [[w:Immunity (medical)|immune]] to the virus. The only problem was that this would have resulted in hundreds of thousands of [[COVID-19 pandemic deaths|deaths]] — a prospect the Tories had to abandon in the face of expert denunciation and widespread public outrage. Johnson's change of tack was to move finally towards [[w:COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns#United Kingdom|lockdown]], [[w:Social distancing measures related to the COVID-19 pandemic|advising against mass gatherings]] and urging people to avoid clubs, pubs, and restaurants — and most travel — as well as advising older people to [[w:Isolation (health care)#Self-isolation|self isolate]]. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], [https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression ""Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression"] co-written with Phil Hearse (20 March 2020) ''Mutiny'' * According to the [[Tedros Adhanom|Director-General of the WHO]], the choice to abandon systematic [[COVID-19 testing|testing]] and [[w:COVID-19 surveillance|contract tracing]], which were effective in [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in South Korea|Korea]] and [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Taiwan|Taiwan]], was a major mistake that contributed to the [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019#Transmission|spread of the virus]] in virtually every country. The ultimate cause of this alarming delay were strategic choices. [...] Other countries waited far too long to react, largely on the basis of the {{w|fatalist}} and crypto-[[w:Social Darwinism|Darwinian]] strategy of "[[herd immunity]]." Boris Johnson's [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom|United Kingdom]] was entirely passive in its initial [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom#Government response|approach]]. ** [[Christian Laval]] and Pierre Dardot, ''[https://roarmag.org/essays/dardot-laval-corona-pandemic/ The pandemic as political trial: the case for a global commons]'' (28 March 2020), ''{{w|ROAR Magazine}}''. * What I would say to people is, the prime minister's got very, very difficult choices to make, and I would encourage all members of the public and MPs to listen extremely carefully to what the prime minister says today and over coming days ** [[Steve Baker]] according to [https://news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-boris-johnson-to-announce-month-long-lockdown-across-england-sky-news-understands-12119859 "Coronavirus: Boris Johnson to announce month-long lockdown across England, Sky News understands"] Sky News (31 October 2020). * The most accomplished liar in public life — perhaps the best liar ever to serve as prime minister. * He has mastered the use of error, omission, exaggeration, diminution, equivocation and flat denial. He has perfected casuistry, circumlocution, false equivalence and false analogy. He is equally adept at the ironic jest, the fib and the grand lie; the weasel word and the half-truth; the hyperbolic lie, the obvious lie, and the bullshit lie – which may inadvertently be true. And because he has been so famous for this skill for so long, he can use his reputation to ascend to new levels of playful paradox. ** [[Rory Stewart]] [https://www.the-tls.co.uk/articles/boris-johnson-tom-bower-book-review-rory-stewart/ "Lord of misrule"] ''The Times Literary Supplement'' (6 November 2020), in a review of Tom Bower ''Boris Johnson: The Gambler'' (WH Allen); quote also reproduced in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/live/2020/nov/05/uk-coronavirus-live-uk-rishi-sunak-furlough-details-covid-latest-updates?page=with:block-5fa3dce78f08578732a635a5 "UK coronavirus: Sweden and Germany put on quarantine list; Johnson raises Christmas hopes - as it happened"] ''The Guardian'' (5 November 2020) *Calling Johnson’s radicalism “[[Far-right politics|hard right]]” might sound overdrawn. He did not set out to lead the party further to the right or, indeed, to lead it anywhere. His primary aim was to lead the party. Finding a label for his outlook is accordingly in one way pointless. Like [[Donald Trump|Trump]], he has no settled outlook. Nor is he unique in that regard among British Conservatives. Since the end of the [[Cold War]] and the collapse of [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]], the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] has had no clear viewpoint. [[w:Euroscepticism in the United Kingdom|Anti-Europeanism]], which appeared to fill the gap, was negative and temporary. Lacking aims or content of its own, Johnson’s radicalism lies in his forceful, hard-right style, with its disregard for familiar [[Liberal democracy|liberal-democratic]] norms and its claims to speak for “the people” against the [[Elite|elites]] and [[institutions]]. As a superbly skilled “trimmer,” Johnson is suited to improvisation by character and driven to it by predicament. Britain’s divided hard right, which he took over and found himself having to manage, promised implausibly to please both global-minded business and voters fed up with neglected public services, insecure work, and lack of housing. ** [[w:Edmund Fawcett|Edmund Fawcett]] ''Conservatism: The Fight for a Tradition'' (2020), p. 349 ===2021–2022=== * From the start Johnson has been a clown, but a useful clown. Now and then he has to be sacked, but he is always taken back, perhaps with a mock sigh. He has never quite equalled the stream of lies that he manufactured as ''Daily Telegraph'' correspondent in Brussels in the early 1990s: that the EU wanted to ban prawn cocktail crisps and British sausages, and to standardise the size of condoms because Italians had smaller penises. Week after week, he produced juicy fibs which had news editors on other papers demanding similar stuff from their own reporters in Brussels. [[Conrad Black]], then the owner of the ''Telegraph'' and himself on the receiving end of several Johnson lies, was delighted. When Johnson was about to become prime minister in the summer of 2019, Black saluted his old employee, who "was such an effective correspondent for us in Brussels that he greatly influenced British opinion on this country's relations with Europe". ** [[Ferdinand Mount]] [https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v43/n09/ferdinand-mount/ruthless-and-truthless "Ruthless and Truthless"], ''London Review of Books'' 43:9 (6 May 2021) * [Response to Q1109] Fundamentally, the reason for all these problems was bad policy, bad decisions, bad planning and bad operational capability. It doesn't matter that you have great people doing communications if the Prime Minister changes his mind 10 times a day, and then calls up the media and contradicts his own policy, day after day after day. You are going to have a communications disaster zone. Few things are discussed more inaccurately than communications * [Response to Q1126] nobody could find a way around the problem of the Prime Minister just, like a shopping trolley, smashing from one side of the aisle into the other. * [Response to Q1194] The heart of the problem was fundamentally I regarded him as unfit for the job. ** [[Dominic Cummings]], as cited in [https://committees.parliament.uk/oralevidence/2249/html/ Oral evidence to the Health and Social Care and Science and Technology Committees of the House of Commons] (26 May 2021). * The [[w:Culture war#2012–present: Broadening of the culture war|culture wars]] suit the Johnson way of doing things [...] He's good at things that involve short, memorable slogans and showmanship. Is he good at [[w:NHS Test and Trace|test and trace]]? Not conspicuously so. Is he good at [[w:Personal protective equipment|PPE]]? No. Is he good at [[w:COVID-19 lockdown in the United Kingdom|lockdown timing]]? Absolutely not. But the thing that he's quite good at is spotting a dividing line. ** [[Matthew d'Ancona]] [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/jun/13/everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-the-culture-wars-but-were-afraid-to-ask "Everything you wanted to know about the culture wars – but were afraid to ask"], ''The Observer'' (13 June 2021) * He rewrites reality in his mind afresh according to the moment’s demands. He lies — so blatantly, so naturally, so regularly — that there is no real distinction possible with him, as there is with normal people, between truth and lies. * He [Johnson] is totally untrusted by anybody in No 10 yet has a superpower for making people feel sorry for him — "I feel sorry for him like my old dead-beat boyfriend, I hate myself for it but I can’t help it," said one in despair after a particularly dreadful meeting. ** [[Dominic Cummings]]' newsletter, as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/when-boris-johnson-needs-friends-hell-be-alone-rcdz9q60l "When Boris Johnson needs friends, he’ll be alone"], ''The Times'' (8 July 2021) * His natural instinct is not to be open, not to be transparent, not to be accountable, but narcissitically to think 'what suits me, how can I extricate myself from this awkward situation, by what means can I arrogate blame somewhere else?' ** [[John Bercow]] [https://www.indy100.com/politics/john-bercow-gmb-boris-johnson-b1973492 ''Good Morning Britain''] (10 December 2021). * I expect my leaders to shoulder the responsibility for the actions they take. Yesterday, he did the opposite of that. So I'll remind him of a quotation, altogether too familiar to him, of [[Leo Amery]] to [[Neville Chamberlain]], "You have sat there too long, for all the good you have done, in the name of God go." ** [[David Davis]], [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-60056482 addressing Johnson at Prime Minister's Questions] (19 January 2022). * Most politicians, as far as I can work out, are pretty incompetent, and then have a veneer of competence, you do seem to do it the other way around. * Right now a visit of Boris Johnson in [[w:Kyiv|Kyiv]] started from one-on-one meeting with [[President Zelenskyy]] **  [[w:Andrii Sybiha|Andriy Sybiha]], deputy head of [[Ukraine]]’s president office, said on [[Facebook]] [https://asia.nikkei.com/Politics/Ukraine-war/Ukraine-war-Free-to-read/Ukraine-latest-Boris-Johnson-visits-Kyiv-to-discuss-more-aid-with-Zelenskyy Ukraine latest: Boris Johnson visits Kyiv to discuss more aid with Zelenskyy] (9 April 2022). *This would '''activate the Queen'''. Lascelles Principles will direct her to decline his request for a dissolution. She then is left with the choice to dismiss him or not. **Jack Hadfield, history correspondent and deputy diary editor of ''The Times'', on the hypothetical scenario that Johnson would lose a vote of no confidence but refuse to resign. [https://x.com/i/status/1544658518162161664 Twitter] (6 July 2022). As quoted in ''[https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2022/07/boris-johnson-scandal-activate-the-queen Vanity Fair]''. * Now think of Boris Johnson. All of these feelings will apply to him. He is going to be [[Edward Heath|Heath]] with jokes added in, and [[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] with consistency taken out, all rolled into a bundle of resentment, denial, attention-seeking and attempted vindication that will be a permanent nightmare for the new prime minister. That he wants revenge on Rishi Sunak is already apparent, but if [[Liz Truss]] is elected, she will face the identical problem. The chances of her loyalty to him being repaid are close to zero. Boris lives his life as a performance, and he will want the next act to fill every seat in the theatre of [[Politics of the United Kingdom|British political life]]. The Conservative Party had no choice but to remove Johnson from office. His standards of governance and veracity had fallen below what reasonable people could defend. The downside is that the party will always have the problem of what he will say next. ** [[William Hague]], [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/tories-must-beware-boris-the-incredible-sulk-m5lsbmjtb "Tories must beware Boris the incredible sulk"] ''The Times'' (25 July 2022) * Q: You have supported a Prime Minister that has continually lied to the [[Elizabeth II|Queen]], [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]] and the entire United Kingdom, therefore does this not bring into question your own personal integrity and honesty?<br>A: I don't agree with that. Boris Johnson has been an excellent prime minister. He delivered on Brexit. He delivered on the [[COVID-19 vaccine|Covid vaccine]] and he delivered on standing up to [[Vladimir Putin]] and backing the [[Ukraine|Ukrainians]]. I am proud of what he did. ** [[Liz Truss]], [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2022/08/17/liz-truss-rishi-sunak-tory-leadership-race-hustings-northern/ Question to Liz Truss] in Conservative leadership election hustings in Belfast, as quoted by ''The Telegraph'' (17 August 2022) * In some sense, him running is the dream [...] Droning on about how they need a sensible, serious person to fix the mess they’ve made '''then that honking pudding turns up with his travelling circus trailing behind.''' ...<br />Is he a greased piglet any more? He became deeply unpopular with the public because the joke wore thin, he got humiliatingly booted out as PM and he set the Tories on a path to ruin.<br />He was booed at the Queen’s Jubilee. The public tolerance for him would be so, so thin. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/sir-keir-starmer-labour-ready-for-election-to-end-this-chaos-tjfrs6k07 "Sir Keir Starmer: Labour ready for election to end this chaos"] ''The Times'' (21 October 2022) ** Speculation on a possible return to the office of Prime Minister following the resignation of successor Liz Truss after six weeks. Comments attributed to a "senior Labour source" in the article * There are several very good potential candidates for Conservative leader. '''But choosing Boris now would be — and I say this advisedly — an absolutely catastrophic decision.''' ** <!-- From a tweet, but not identified as such in the source -->[[w:Jesse Norman|Jesse Norman]] MP quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/oct/21/ben-wallace-rules-himself-out-for-pm-and-suggests-he-would-back-johnson "Ben Wallace rules himself out for PM and suggests he would back Johnson"] ''The Guardian'' (21 October 2022) ===2023–present=== * In his resignation speech, Boris Johnson showed no awareness of any personal failings that had led his party to turn on him. "When the herd moves, it moves," he complained, without apparent thought as to what might have provoked the herd into stampeding. He later complained the rules had been changed halfway through the relay race that the premiership had become. There had indeed been no rule against No 10 parties, but by the time they happened in lockdown it was against the law. There was no rule that a PM must resign if more than 50 of their ministers quit, but since being able to form a government that commands a Commons majority is the basis for being in power it should hardly need saying that these are circumstances that make resignation inevitable. Boris tried to break rules that no one had previously thought it necessary to state. ** [[William Hague]] [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-and-liz-truss-should-fess-up-to-failure-v93w59779 "Boris Johnson and Liz Truss should fess up to failure"] ''The Times'' (6 February 2023) * Johnson and I really loathed each other. It was obvious. We really never spoke behind the scenes very much. * [Sir [[Keir Starmer]] on being referred to as Sir Crasheroonie Snoozefest by Johnson.] It doesn’t matter — because I really couldn't give a toss and, you know, I really loathed him.<br />He didn't stand for anything, he had no principles, he had no integrity, he lied through his teeth and he brings everybody down with him. Is there anybody who's had any relationship with Johnson — in any sense of the word — who hasn't ended up in the gutter? ** Starmer speaking on the ''Political Party'' podcast with [[w:Matt Forde|Matt Forde]], as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/b2ee22ea-b21e-11ed-be6b-8488e113f360?shareToken=0187ff745115e9aae9a5de1e8c2a5442 "Sir Keir Starmer: I loathed unprincipled, lying Boris Johnson"] ''The Times'' (21 February 2023) * We have to hope that the Johnson era is going to come to be perceived in the years ahead as a sort of dreadful aberration, as something that the British people realised was a disaster, and that the Conservative Party now has the courage to realise was disaster and to send Boris Johnson back where he belongs to the music halls [...] He is a brilliant journalist. He's a brilliant entertainer. He had no place in British public life. ** [[w:Max Hastings|Max Hastings]] interviewed by [[Andrew Marr]], as cited in [https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/max-hastings-boris-johnson/ "'You can't write off Boris until he's buried at a crossroads with a stake in his heart', former boss Max Hastings says"] ''LBC'' (22 March 2023) * [H]is inner emptiness made it imperative for him always to be the centre of attention, craving affirmation and breaking truth and convention to achieve it. * The damage that Johnson has done to the country is beyond measure. Has any prime minister done so much harm? [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom|Covid-19]] was the most serious crisis to hit Britain since the Second World War. He ran the government as if he were the wayward manager of an amateur theatre company, full of histrionics, changes of mind and cliques. ** Anthony Seldon [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-damage-beyond-measure-anthony-seldon-cldxqlmhz "The damage Boris Johnson has done is beyond measure"] ''The Sunday Times'' (11 June 2023) * Much as Boris is not prone to getting really cross, nor using particularly strong language, this was one [time] where he really flipped. At our morning meeting, with a small gang of us, he just launched into a violent attack on [[Emmanuel Macron]].<br />And basically saying: "He’s a four-letter word that begins with 'c'’, he's a weirdo, he's Putin's lickspittle, we need to go studs up on this one" – a rugby term that basically means gloves off - "we need an orgy of frog-bashing, I’m going to have to punch his lights out"... Pretty strong stuff. ** From ''Unprecedented'' (second [[w:LBC|LBC]] podcast in a series) by [[w:Guto Harri|Guto Harri]], as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2023/05/18/boris-johnson-emmanuel-macron-spat-ukraine-putin/ "Boris Johnson's foul-mouthed tirade about 'lickspittle' Emmanuel Macron"] ''The Telegraph'' (18 May 2023). Johnson is reported not to accept the veracity of this account. In [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/boris-johnson-wanted-to-punch-emmanuel-macron-over-putin-s-ukraine-war-wlz5rx5kb "Humour secured his bond with Zelensky"] ''The Times'' (18 May 2023)), Harri wrote that Johnson did not carry out his threat. * [In 1964 or 1965] There was her baby, Alexander, a few months old, lying naked on a bath mat, kicking his feet in the air, round, pink and fat, with a remarkable shock of electrically bright blond hair. As I gazed at him, I didn't find that baby at all appealing, too pink and too noisy. * That baby on the bath mat, who so decisively put me off the idea of teen motherhood, grew up to be the most disgraced prime minister under his ludicrously changed name of Boris: he looks much the same. * As for Boris Johnson, I look back with a morbid incredulity at what that baby grew up to be. It’s a not particularly good joke to surprise people with the fact that I am one of the many women to have seen him naked. ** From an edited extract of [[Polly Toynbee]]'s ''An Uneasy Inheritance: My Family and Other Radicals'' (Atlantic Books, 2023), as reproduced in [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2023/may/20/polly-toynbee-what-my-privileged-start-in-life-taught-me-about-the-british-class-system "Polly Toynbee: what my privileged start in life taught me about the British class system"] ''The Guardian'' (20 May 2023) ** An account of Toynbee's meeting with her then [[w:Edmund Fawcett|boyfriend's]] sister, [[w:Charlotte Johnson Wahl|Charlotte Johnson]] (later Charlotte Johnson Wahl), and her baby. * He can continue to cause damage to the party as he has done so conspicuously in recent years, because he retains a following in the country. That will be exploited by his friends in the popular press. But his real legacy is Brexit, the biggest historic mistake this country has made in peacetime. ** [[Michael Heseltine]] [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2023/jun/11/boris-johnsons-legacy-he-has-ruined-britains-place-in-the-world "Boris Johnson’s legacy? He has ruined Britain’s place in the world"] ''The Observer'' (11 June 2023) * He's not a Tory, he’s somebody who used the Tory party ... he attacks what he calls the Westminster elite but he is so Westminster elite at heart - he’s wealthy, socially liberal, believes in animal rights, carbon net zero - he is not some [[Lee Anderson]]. * [T]he interesting thing about him is that he has persecution mania. And people with persecution mania think that it's all a conspiracy and everybody's out to get them - that isn’t the case.<br />The fact is with Boris he arouses ... such uncontrollable irritation that you just want him to go away. He brings everything on himself, he's not this victim. ** Petronella Wyatt interviewed by [[Andrew Marr]] on ''LBC'' (15 June 2023), as cited in [https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/petronella-wyatt-says-boris-johnson-used-the-conservatives/ "'He used the Conservatives!': Boris Johnson's ex-girlfriend Petronella Wyatt claims ex-PM has 'never had a Tory idea'"] ''LBC'' (15 June 2023) * [[w:Carrie_Johnson|Carrie Johnson]], in the caption of an [[w:Instagram|Instagram]] post with a picture of her holding the newborn, joked: "Welcome to the world Frank Alfred [[w:Odysseus|Odysseus]] Johnson born 5th July at 9.15am. (Can you guess which name my husband chose?!)"<br />The former prime minister Boris Johnson is keen to be thought of as a scholar of the classics. In [[w:Greek mythology|Greek mythology]], Odysseus leaves behind his wife and child to seek adventure, encountering many other women along the way. ** Kevin Rawlinson [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2023/jul/11/carrie-boris-johnson-announce-birth-baby-boy-frank "Carrie and Boris Johnson announce birth of baby boy named Frank"] ''The Guardian'' (11 July 2023) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/02/uk/boris-johnson-interview-cop-amanpour-climate-exclusive-intl-cmd/index.html 2021 CNN interview by Amanpour] {{DEFAULTSORT:Johnson, Boris}} [[Category:1964 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Mayors of London]] [[Category:Journalists from England]] [[Category:Editors from England]] [[Category:Columnists from England]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Historians from England]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] <references /> [[Category:Secretaries of State for Foreign Affairs of Great Britain and the United Kingdom]] 4p9blm1y5ivuy3z1xql68ee90fu7ieg 0 2030 3944225 3940304 2026-05-22T15:55:59Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes */ Order - noting these quotes may be too particular and unknown for this general article 3944225 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Linyutang.jpg|thumb|It is not so much what you believe in that matters, as the way in which you believe it and proceed to translate that [[belief]] into [[action]].]] '''[[w:Lin Yutang|Lin Yutang]]''' (Traditional Chinese: 林語堂; Simplified Chinese: 林语堂; pinyin: Lín Yǔtáng) ([[10 October]] [[1895]] – [[26 March]] [[1976]]) was a [[w:China|Chinese]] writer and translator. :'''''See also: [[Moment in Peking]]''''' == Quotes == [[File:Lin Yutang.jpg|thumb|Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.]] [[File:Chinese honor guard in column 070322-F-0193C-014.JPEG|thumb|When there are too many policemen, there can be no [[liberty]]. When there are too many [[soldiers]], there can be no [[peace]]. When there are too many [[lawyers]], there can be no [[justice]].]] [[File:Godward Idleness 1900.jpg|thumb|If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.]] * I like to think of [[criticism]] as the highest intellectual effort that mankind is capable of, and above all, I like to think of self-criticism as the most difficult attainment of an educated man. ** "The Function of Criticism at the Present Time", in ''The China Critic'', Vol. III, no. 4 (23 January 1930), p. 81 * I am here to speak on [[freedom of speech]]. It is a great topic, and I am going to make my [[speech]] as [[freedom|free]] as possible. But you know that this cannot be done, for when anyone announces that he is going to speak his mind freely, everyone is [[Fear|frightened]]. This shows that there is no such thing as true freedom of speech. No one can afford to let his neighbors know what he is thinking about them. [[Society]] can exist only on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks. ** "[http://books.google.com/books?id=OM4eT2epYzwC&q=&quot;Society+can+exist+only+on+the+basis+that+there+is+some+amount+of+polished+lying+and+that+no+one+says+exactly+what+he+thinks&quot;&pg=PA95#v=onepage Of Freedom of Speech]", lecture given in China (4 March 1933)<!--. Also found in Lin Yutang's ''With Love And Irony'' (1941), pp. 131–135.--> * All women's dresses, in every age and country, are merely variations on the [[Eternity|eternal]] struggle between the admitted [[desire]] to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress. ** In ''Vogue'', as quoted by ''The Reader's Digest'', Vols. 30–31 (1937), p. 69 * Human history is not the product of the wise direction of human reason, but is shaped by the forces of emotion—our dreams, our pride, our greed, our fears, and our desire for revenge. ** ''Confucius Saw Nancy and Essays about Nothing'' (1936), p. 95 * '''No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.''' ** "A Trip to Anhwei", in ''With Love And Irony'' (1940), p. 145 * The Chinese believe that when there are too many policemen, there can be no individual liberty, when there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice, and when there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace. ** ''Between Tears And Laughter'' (1943), p. 71. Variant: "When there are too many policemen, there can be no [[liberty]]. When there are too many soldiers, there can be no [[peace]]. When there are too many [[lawyers]], there can be no [[justice]].", as quoted in ''The World's Funniest Laws'' (2005) by James Alexander, <small>{{ISBN|1905102100}}</small>, p. 6. *The creative imagination of the Hindus has conceived no loftier and holier character than [[w:Sita|Sita]]; the literature of the world has not produced a higher ideal of womanly love, womanly truth, and womanly devotion. **[https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.2479 The Wisdom Of China And India by Lin Yutang ] (1944) * I strongly suspect that the average reader does not suspect India has as rich a culture, as creative an imagination and wit and humor as any China has to offer, and that India was China’s teacher in religion and imaginative literature, and the world’s teacher in trigonometry, quadratic equations, grammar, phonetics, Arabian Nights, animal fables, chess, as well as in philosophy, and that she inspired Boccaccio, Goethe, Herder, Schopenhauer, Emerson, and probably also old Aesop. **[https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.2479 The Wisdom Of China And India by Lin Yutang ] (1944) * If compelled to indicate my religion on an immigration blank, I might be tempted to put down the word "[[Taoist]]," to the amazement of the customs officer who probably never heard of it. ** ''The Wisdom of [[Laotse]]'' (1948), Introduction, p. 15 * Our task is not so much discovery as re-discovery. What one needs is not so much thinking as remembering. Sometimes it suffices to sit quietly and listen well, when venerable men have thought before us. Constant forgettings of truths once perceived are the very charm of the human mind; the history of human thought is nothing more than the story of these forgettings and rememberings and forgettings again. ** ''On the Wisdom of America'' (1950), p. xiv * If life is all subjective, why not be subjectively happy rather than subjectively sad? ** ''On the Wisdom of America'' (1950), p. 155 * There are two kinds of animals on earth. One kind minds his own business, the other minds other people's business. The former are vegetarians, like cows, sheep and thinking men. The latter are carnivorous, like hawks, tigers and men of action. ** As quoted by [[w:Tai-yi Lin|Tai-yi Lin]] (Lin Yutang's daughter) in her Foreword (26 March 1950) to ''The Importance of Living'', p. x * '''The [[secret]] of [[contentment]] is knowing how to [[enjoy]] what you have, and to be able to [[lose]] all [[desire]] for things beyond your reach.''' ** As quoted in ''Remarks of Famous People'' (1965) by Jacob Morton Braude, p. 23 * These influences of my young childhood were greatest: 1, the mountain landscape, 2, my father the impossible idealist, and 3, the upringing of a closely-knit Christian home. ** ''Memoirs of an Octogenarian'' (1975), pp. 8–9 * '''Besides the [[noble]] [[art]] of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The [[wisdom]] of [[life]] consists in the elimination of non-essentials.''' ** As quoted in ''Pearls of Wisdom: A Harvest of Quotations From All Ages'' (1987) by Jerome Agel and Walter D. Glanze, p. 46. From ''The Importance of Living'': "besides the noble art of getting things done, there is a nobler art of leaving things undone" (p. 162), "the wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials" (p. 10). === ''My Country and My People'' (1935)=== * A [[wikt:mellow|mellow]] [[understanding]] of [[life]] and of [[human nature]] is, and always has been, the [[Chinese]] [[ideal]] of [[character]], and from that understanding other [[qualities]] are derived, such as [[pacifism]], [[contentment]], [[calm]] and [[strength]] of [[endurance]] which distinguish the Chinese character. ** p. 43 * To the West, it seems hardly imaginable that the relationship between man and man (which is morality) could be maintained without reference to a Supreme Being, while to the Chinese it is equally amazing that men should not, or could not, behave toward one another as decent beings without thinking of their indirect relationship through a third party. ** p. 106 * I like [[spring]], but it is too young. I like [[summer]], but it is too [[proud]]. So I like best of all [[autumn]], because its leaves are a little yellow, its tone mellower, its colours richer, and it is tinged a little with [[sorrow]] and a premonition of [[death]]. Its golden richness speaks not of the [[innocence]] of spring, nor of the [[power]] of summer, but of the mellowness and [[kindly]] [[wisdom]] of approaching age. It knows the limitations of [[life]] and is [[contentment|content]]. From a [[knowledge]] of those limitations and its richness of [[experience]] emerges a symphony of colours, richer than all, its green speaking of life and [[strength]], its orange speaking of golden content and its purple of resignation and death. ** Epilogue, p. 328 === ''The Importance of Living'' (1937) === [[File:Brockenspectre, Cefn Ysgolion Duon - geograph.org.uk - 242025.jpg|thumb|right|I rather despise claims to objectivity in [[philosophy]]; the point of view is the thing.]] [[File:Joaquin Sorolla On the Sand Valencia Beach.jpg|thumb|It is not when he is working in his office but when he is lying idly on the sand that his [[soul]] utters, "[[Life]] is [[beautiful]]."]] [[File:Taijitu polarity.PNG|thumb|right|Putting human affairs in exact formulas shows in itself a lack of the [[sense]] of [[humor]] and therefore a lack of [[wisdom]].]] [[File:Roadfogbow.jpg|thumb|right|The [[Trickster|scamp]] will be the last and most formidable [[enemy]] of [[dictatorships]]. He will be the champion of [[human]] [[dignity]] and [[individual]] [[freedom]], and will be the last to be conquered. All modern [[civilization]] depends entirely upon him.]] [[File:2003-08-23 Looking up in Chicago.jpg|thumb|right|A [[man]] who has to be punctually at a certain place at five o'clock has the whole afternoon from one to five ruined for him already.]] [[File:Tea leaves steeping in a zhong čaj 05.jpg|thumb|There is something in the nature of [[tea]] that leads us into a world of quiet contemplation of life.]] [[File:Tanka-tsuba-p1010068 Rama 300.jpg|thumb|When the mirror meets with an ugly [[woman]], when a rare ink-stone finds a vulgar owner, and when a [[good]] [[sword]] is in the hands of a common general, there is utterly [[nothing]] to be done about it.]] [[File:Double-alaskan-rainbow.jpg|thumb|right|By association with [[nature]]'s enormities, a [[man]]'s [[heart]] may truly [[grow]] [[Greatness|big]] also.]] [[File:Study room of Lin Yutang House.JPG|thumb|The [[wise]] [[man]] [[reads]] both [[books]] and [[life]] itself.]] * '''This is a personal testimony, a testimony of my own experience of [[thought]] and [[life]]. It is not intended to be objective and makes no claim to establish eternal [[truths]]. In fact I rather despise claims to objectivity in [[philosophy]]; the point of view is the thing.''' I should have liked to call it "A Lyrical Philosophy," using the word "lyrical" in the sense of being a highly personal and individual outlook... ** Preface * It is not when he is working in the office but when he is lying idly on the sand that his [[soul]] utters, "[[Life]] is [[beautiful]]." ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 2 * While in the West, the insane are so many that they are put in an asylum, in China the insane are so unusual that we worship them, as anybody who has a [[knowledge]] of Chinese literature will testify. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 3 * A vague uncritical [[idealism]] always lends itself to ridicule and too much of it might be a [[danger]] to [[mankind]], leading it round in a futile wild-goose chase for imaginary ideals. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 4 * It is important that man [[dreams]], but it is perhaps equally important that he can [[laugh]] at his own dreams. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, pp. 4–5 * '''I distrust all [[dead]] and mechanical formulas for expressing anything connected with [[human]] affairs and human personalities. Putting human affairs in exact formulas shows in itself a lack of the [[sense]] of [[humor]] and therefore a lack of [[wisdom]].''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 5 * '''It is not so much what you believe in that matters, as the way in which you believe it and proceed to translate that [[belief]] into [[action]].''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 8 * '''My [[faith]] in [[human]] [[dignity]] consists in the belief that man is the greatest [[Trickster|scamp]] on [[earth]]. Human dignity must be associated with the idea of a scamp and not with that of an obedient, disciplined and regimented soldier.''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 12 * '''I am doing my best to [[Glory|glorify]] the [[Trickster|scamp]] or vagabond.''' I [[hope]] I shall succeed. For things are not so [[simple]] as they sometimes seem. In this present age of threats to [[democracy]] and individual [[liberty]], probably only the scamp and the [[spirit]] of the scamp alone will save us from being lost in serially numbered units in the masses of disciplined, obedient, regimented and uniformed coolies. '''The scamp will be the last and most formidable [[enemy]] of [[dictatorships]]. He will be the champion of [[human]] [[dignity]] and [[individual]] [[freedom]], and will be the last to be conquered. All modern [[civilization]] depends entirely upon him.''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 12 * I do not think that any civilization can be called complete until it has progressed from sophistication to unsophistication, and made a conscious return to simplicity of thinking and living, and I call no man wise until he has made the progress from the wisdom of knowledge to the wisdom of foolishness, and become a laughing philosopher, feeling first life's tragedy and then life's comedy. For we must weep before we can laugh. Out of sadness comes the awakening, and out of the awakening comes the laughter of the philosopher, with kindliness and tolerance to boot. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 13 * '''The [[world]] I believe is far too serious, and being far too serious, is it has need of a [[wise]] and merry [[philosophy]].''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 13 * To me personally, the only function of philosophy is to teach us to take life more lightly and gayly than the average businessman does, for no businessman who does not retire at fifty, if he can, is in my eyes a philosopher. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 13 * All men and women have passions, natural desires and noble ambitions, and also a conscience; they have sex, hunger, fear, anger, and are subject to sickness, pain, suffering and death. Culture consists in bringing about the expression of these passions and desires in harmony. ** p. 20 * A reasonable naturalist then settles down to this [[life]] with a sort of animal satisfaction. As Chinese illiterate women put it, "Others gave [[birth]] to us and we give birth to others. What else are we to do?".... Life becomes a biological procession and the very question of immortality is sidetracked. For that is the exact feeling of a Chinese grandfather holding his grandchild by the hand and going to the shops to buy some candy, with the thought that in five or ten years he will be returning to his grave or to his ancestors. '''The best that we can hope for in this life is that we shall not have sons and grandsons of whom we need to be ashamed.''' ** p. 23 * One can learn such a lot and enjoy such a lot in seventy years, and three generations is a long, long time to see human follies and acquire human wisdom. Anyone who is wise and has lived long enough to witness the changes of fashion and morals and politics through the rise and fall of three generations should be perfectly satisfied to rise from his seat and go away saying, "It was a [[good]] show," when the curtain falls. ** p. 23-24 * Human life can be lived like a poem. ** p. 32 * Instead of holding on to the Biblical view that we are made in the image of [[God]], we come to realize that we are made in the image of the [[monkey]]. ** p. 36 * A man may own a thousand acres of land, and yet he still sleeps upon a bed of five feet. ** p. 38 (Chinese saying) * He who perceives death perceives a sense of the human comedy, and quickly becomes a poet. ** pp. 39–40 * What is patriotism but love of the good things we ate in our childhood? I have said elsewhere that the loyalty to Uncle Sam is the loyalty to doughnuts and ham and sweet potatoes and the loyalty to the German ''Vaterland'' is the loyalty to ''Pfannkuchen'' and Christmas ''Stollen''. As for international understanding, I feel that macaroni has done more for our appreciation of Italy than Mussolini... in food, as in death, we feel the essential brotherhood of mankind. ** Ch. IV : On Having A Stomach, p. 46 * How many of us are able to distinguish between the odors of noon and midnight, or of winter and summer, or of a windy spell and a still one? If man is so generally less [[happy]] in the cities than in the country, it is because all these variations and nuances of sight and smell and sound are less clearly marked and lost in the general monotony of gray walls and cement pavements. ** p. 129 * Those who are wise won't be busy, and those who are too busy can't be wise. ** p. 150 * On the whole, the enjoyment of leisure is something which decidedly costs less than the enjoyment of luxury. All it requires is an artistic temperament which is bent on seeking a perfectly useless afternoon spent in a perfectly useless manner. ** p. 153. Often quoted as: "If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live." * No, the enjoyment of an idle life doesn't cost any money. The capacity for true enjoyment of idleness is lost in the moneyed class and can be found only among people who have a supreme contempt for wealth. It must come from an inner richness of the soul in a man who loves the simple ways of life and who is somewhat impatient with the business of making money. ** p. 155 * True peace of mind comes from accepting the worst. ** p. 158 * The three great American vices seem to be efficiency, punctuality, and the desire for achievement and success. They are the things that make the Americans so unhappy and so nervous. ** p. 162 * '''A man who has to be punctually at a certain place at five o'clock has the whole afternoon from one to five ruined for him already.''' ** p. 163 * If the early Chinese people had any chivalry, it was manifested not toward women and children, but toward old people. That feeling of chivalry found clear expression in [[w:Mencius|Mencius]] in some such saying as, "The people with gray hair should not be seen carrying burdens on the street," which was expressed as the final goal of good government. ** p. 193 * Life after all is made up of eating and sleeping, of meeting and saying good-by to friends, of reunions and farewell parties, of tears and laughter, of having a haircut once in two weeks, of watering a potted flower and watching one’s neighbor fall off his roof. ** p. 202 * There is something in the nature of tea that leads us into a world of quiet contemplation of life. ** p. 224 * The greatest ideal that man can aspire to is not to be a show-case of virtue, but just to be a genial, likable and reasonable human being. ** p. 242 * The Chinese do not draw any distinction between food and medicine. ** Ch. IX : The Enjoyment of Living, p. 249, as quoted in {{cite book|author1=Fred R Shapiro|title=The Yale Book of Quotations|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ck6bXqt5shkC|year=2006|publisher=Yale University Press|isbn=0-300-10798-6|page=467}} * '''By association with nature's enormities, a man's [[heart]] may truly grow big also.''' There is a way of looking upon a landscape as a moving picture and being satisfied with nothing less big as a moving picture, a way of looking upon tropic clouds over the horizon as the backdrop of a stage and being satisfied with nothing less big as a backdrop, a way of looking upon the mountain forests as a private garden and being satisfied with nothing less as a private garden, a way of listening to the roaring waves as a concert and being satisfied with nothing less as a concert, and a way of looking upon the mountain breeze as an air-cooling system and being satisfied with nothing less as an air-cooling system. So do we become big, even as the earth and firmaments are big. Like the "Big Man" described by Yuan Tsi (A.D. 210-263), one of China's first romanticists, '''we "live in heaven and earth as our house."''' ** p. 282 * When the mirror meets with an ugly woman, when a rare ink-stone finds a vulgar owner, and when a [[good]] [[sword]] is in the hands of a common general, there is utterly [[nothing]] to be done about it. ** p. 317 * Only those who take leisurely what the people of the world are busy about can be busy about what the people of the world take leisurely. ** p. 323 * A good traveler is one who does not know where he is going to, and a perfect traveler does not know where he came from. ** p. 332 * The wise man reads both books and life itself. ** p. 388 * '''Such [[religion]] as there can be in modern life, every [[individual]] will have to salvage from the churches for himself.''' ** p. 397 * I feel, like all modern Americans, no consciousness of [[sin]] and simply do not believe in it. All I know is that if [[God]] [[loves]] me only half as much as my [[mother]] does, he will not send me to [[Hell]]. '''That is a final [[fact]] of my inner [[consciousness]], and for no [[religion]] could I deny its [[truth]].''' ** p. 407 {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== * '''When small men begin to cast big shadows, it means that the sun is about to set.''' ** Frequently attributed to Lin Yutang (such as in ''Hard-to-Solve Cryptograms'' (2001) by Derrick Niederman, p. 96)<br>Actually a variation of a [[Walter Savage Landor]] quotation from his work [[w:Imaginary Conversations|Imaginary Conversations]]: "Little men in lofty places, who throw long shadows, because our sun is setting."[https://quoteinvestigator.com/2024/10/14/cast-shadow/#04497062-f275-4156-bc8a-11e4254053bf] {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Lin Yutang == * [''My Country and My People''] is, I think, '''the truest, the most profound, the most complete, the most important book yet written about China.''' And, best of all, it is written by a Chinese, a modern, whose roots are firmly in the past, but whose rich flowering is in the present. ** [[Pearl S. Buck]], Introduction to Lin Yutang's ''My Country and My People'' (1935), p. xii == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.amoymagic.com/linyutang.htm Lin Yutang Biography & Photograph Collection] *Lin Yutang's full books online at [[w:The Internet Archive|The Internet Archive]]: **[http://www.archive.org/details/MyCountryAndMyPeople ''My Country And My People'' (1936)] **[http://www.archive.org/details/wisdomofchinaand030122mbp ''The Wisdom Of China And India'' (1942)] **[http://www.archive.org/details/betweentearsandl010989mbp ''Between Tears And Laughter'' (1943)] **[http://www.archive.org/details/TheGayGenius ''The Gay Genius'' (1948)] * [http://humanum.arts.cuhk.edu.hk/Lexis/Lindict/ Lin Yutang's Chinese-English Dictionary of Modern Usage] * [http://idler.co.uk/idle-idols/idle-idols-lin-yutang/ Article in The Idler Magazine] - broken link, see: [https://web.archive.org/web/20090718214232/http://idler.co.uk/idle-idols/idle-idols-lin-yutang Internet Archive copy] instead * [http://www.linyutang.org.tw/user-en/aboutlinyutang_3.asp List of Lin Yutang's publications] - broken link, see: [https://web.archive.org/web/20120303144814/http://www.linyutang.org.tw/user-en/aboutlinyutang_3.asp Internet Archive copy] instead * [https://jshare.johnshopkins.edu/twu7/LinYuTang1.pdf Lin Yutang Biography Part 1 PDF (English translation of Anor Lin's work)] * [https://jshare.johnshopkins.edu/twu7/LinYuTang2.pdf Lin Yutang Biography Part 2 PDF (English translation of Anor Lin's work)] * [http://www.harrisphotography.co.uk/full_lin.htm G8INA's Full Lin Yutang English bibliography] - broken link, see: [https://web.archive.org/web/20100103044245/http://www.harrisphotography.co.uk/full_lin.htm Internet Archive copy] instead <!-- no "DEFAULTSORT": in Chinese name the surname proceeds the given name--> [[Category:Novelists from China]] [[Category:Lexicographers]] [[Category:Philosophers from China]] [[Category:Translators from China]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Christians]] [[Category:1895 births]] [[Category:1976 deaths]] stzbiczyepqt20uchk1wkvqku8zcxv0 3944226 3944225 2026-05-22T15:57:21Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes */ 3944226 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Linyutang.jpg|thumb|It is not so much what you believe in that matters, as the way in which you believe it and proceed to translate that [[belief]] into [[action]].]] '''[[w:Lin Yutang|Lin Yutang]]''' (Traditional Chinese: 林語堂; Simplified Chinese: 林语堂; pinyin: Lín Yǔtáng) ([[10 October]] [[1895]] – [[26 March]] [[1976]]) was a [[w:China|Chinese]] writer and translator. :'''''See also: [[Moment in Peking]]''''' == Quotes == [[File:Lin Yutang.jpg|thumb|Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.]] [[File:Chinese honor guard in column 070322-F-0193C-014.JPEG|thumb|When there are too many policemen, there can be no [[liberty]]. When there are too many [[soldiers]], there can be no [[peace]]. When there are too many [[lawyers]], there can be no [[justice]].]] [[File:Godward Idleness 1900.jpg|thumb|If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.]] * I like to think of [[criticism]] as the highest intellectual effort that mankind is capable of, and above all, I like to think of self-criticism as the most difficult attainment of an educated man. ** "The Function of Criticism at the Present Time", in ''The China Critic'', Vol. III, no. 4 (23 January 1930), p. 81 * I am here to speak on [[freedom of speech]]. It is a great topic, and I am going to make my [[speech]] as [[freedom|free]] as possible. But you know that this cannot be done, for when anyone announces that he is going to speak his mind freely, everyone is [[Fear|frightened]]. This shows that there is no such thing as true freedom of speech. No one can afford to let his neighbors know what he is thinking about them. [[Society]] can exist only on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks. ** "[http://books.google.com/books?id=OM4eT2epYzwC&q=&quot;Society+can+exist+only+on+the+basis+that+there+is+some+amount+of+polished+lying+and+that+no+one+says+exactly+what+he+thinks&quot;&pg=PA95#v=onepage Of Freedom of Speech]", lecture given in China (4 March 1933)<!--. Also found in Lin Yutang's ''With Love And Irony'' (1941), pp. 131–135.--> * All women's dresses, in every age and country, are merely variations on the [[Eternity|eternal]] struggle between the admitted [[desire]] to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress. ** In ''Vogue'', as quoted by ''The Reader's Digest'', Vols. 30–31 (1937), p. 69 * Human history is not the product of the wise direction of human reason, but is shaped by the forces of emotion—our dreams, our pride, our greed, our fears, and our desire for revenge. ** ''Confucius Saw Nancy and Essays about Nothing'' (1936), p. 95 * '''No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.''' ** "A Trip to Anhwei", in ''With Love And Irony'' (1940), p. 145 * The Chinese believe that when there are too many policemen, there can be no individual liberty, when there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice, and when there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace. ** ''Between Tears And Laughter'' (1943), p. 71. Variant: "When there are too many policemen, there can be no [[liberty]]. When there are too many soldiers, there can be no [[peace]]. When there are too many [[lawyers]], there can be no [[justice]].", as quoted in ''The World's Funniest Laws'' (2005) by James Alexander, <small>{{ISBN|1905102100}}</small>, p. 6. *The creative imagination of the Hindus has conceived no loftier and holier character than [[w:Sita|Sita]]; the literature of the world has not produced a higher ideal of womanly love, womanly truth, and womanly devotion. **''[https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.2479 The Wisdom Of China And India]'' (1944) * I strongly suspect that the average reader does not suspect India has as rich a culture, as creative an imagination and wit and humor as any China has to offer, and that India was China’s teacher in religion and imaginative literature, and the world’s teacher in trigonometry, quadratic equations, grammar, phonetics, Arabian Nights, animal fables, chess, as well as in philosophy, and that she inspired Boccaccio, Goethe, Herder, Schopenhauer, Emerson, and probably also old Aesop. **''[https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.2479 The Wisdom Of China And India]'' (1944) * If compelled to indicate my religion on an immigration blank, I might be tempted to put down the word "[[Taoist]]," to the amazement of the customs officer who probably never heard of it. ** ''The Wisdom of [[Laotse]]'' (1948), Introduction, p. 15 * Our task is not so much discovery as re-discovery. What one needs is not so much thinking as remembering. Sometimes it suffices to sit quietly and listen well, when venerable men have thought before us. Constant forgettings of truths once perceived are the very charm of the human mind; the history of human thought is nothing more than the story of these forgettings and rememberings and forgettings again. ** ''On the Wisdom of America'' (1950), p. xiv * If life is all subjective, why not be subjectively happy rather than subjectively sad? ** ''On the Wisdom of America'' (1950), p. 155 * There are two kinds of animals on earth. One kind minds his own business, the other minds other people's business. The former are vegetarians, like cows, sheep and thinking men. The latter are carnivorous, like hawks, tigers and men of action. ** As quoted by [[w:Tai-yi Lin|Tai-yi Lin]] (Lin Yutang's daughter) in her Foreword (26 March 1950) to ''The Importance of Living'', p. x * '''The [[secret]] of [[contentment]] is knowing how to [[enjoy]] what you have, and to be able to [[lose]] all [[desire]] for things beyond your reach.''' ** As quoted in ''Remarks of Famous People'' (1965) by Jacob Morton Braude, p. 23 * These influences of my young childhood were greatest: 1, the mountain landscape, 2, my father the impossible idealist, and 3, the upringing of a closely-knit Christian home. ** ''Memoirs of an Octogenarian'' (1975), pp. 8–9 * '''Besides the [[noble]] [[art]] of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The [[wisdom]] of [[life]] consists in the elimination of non-essentials.''' ** As quoted in ''Pearls of Wisdom: A Harvest of Quotations From All Ages'' (1987) by Jerome Agel and Walter D. Glanze, p. 46. From ''The Importance of Living'': "besides the noble art of getting things done, there is a nobler art of leaving things undone" (p. 162), "the wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials" (p. 10). === ''My Country and My People'' (1935)=== * A [[wikt:mellow|mellow]] [[understanding]] of [[life]] and of [[human nature]] is, and always has been, the [[Chinese]] [[ideal]] of [[character]], and from that understanding other [[qualities]] are derived, such as [[pacifism]], [[contentment]], [[calm]] and [[strength]] of [[endurance]] which distinguish the Chinese character. ** p. 43 * To the West, it seems hardly imaginable that the relationship between man and man (which is morality) could be maintained without reference to a Supreme Being, while to the Chinese it is equally amazing that men should not, or could not, behave toward one another as decent beings without thinking of their indirect relationship through a third party. ** p. 106 * I like [[spring]], but it is too young. I like [[summer]], but it is too [[proud]]. So I like best of all [[autumn]], because its leaves are a little yellow, its tone mellower, its colours richer, and it is tinged a little with [[sorrow]] and a premonition of [[death]]. Its golden richness speaks not of the [[innocence]] of spring, nor of the [[power]] of summer, but of the mellowness and [[kindly]] [[wisdom]] of approaching age. It knows the limitations of [[life]] and is [[contentment|content]]. From a [[knowledge]] of those limitations and its richness of [[experience]] emerges a symphony of colours, richer than all, its green speaking of life and [[strength]], its orange speaking of golden content and its purple of resignation and death. ** Epilogue, p. 328 === ''The Importance of Living'' (1937) === [[File:Brockenspectre, Cefn Ysgolion Duon - geograph.org.uk - 242025.jpg|thumb|right|I rather despise claims to objectivity in [[philosophy]]; the point of view is the thing.]] [[File:Joaquin Sorolla On the Sand Valencia Beach.jpg|thumb|It is not when he is working in his office but when he is lying idly on the sand that his [[soul]] utters, "[[Life]] is [[beautiful]]."]] [[File:Taijitu polarity.PNG|thumb|right|Putting human affairs in exact formulas shows in itself a lack of the [[sense]] of [[humor]] and therefore a lack of [[wisdom]].]] [[File:Roadfogbow.jpg|thumb|right|The [[Trickster|scamp]] will be the last and most formidable [[enemy]] of [[dictatorships]]. He will be the champion of [[human]] [[dignity]] and [[individual]] [[freedom]], and will be the last to be conquered. All modern [[civilization]] depends entirely upon him.]] [[File:2003-08-23 Looking up in Chicago.jpg|thumb|right|A [[man]] who has to be punctually at a certain place at five o'clock has the whole afternoon from one to five ruined for him already.]] [[File:Tea leaves steeping in a zhong čaj 05.jpg|thumb|There is something in the nature of [[tea]] that leads us into a world of quiet contemplation of life.]] [[File:Tanka-tsuba-p1010068 Rama 300.jpg|thumb|When the mirror meets with an ugly [[woman]], when a rare ink-stone finds a vulgar owner, and when a [[good]] [[sword]] is in the hands of a common general, there is utterly [[nothing]] to be done about it.]] [[File:Double-alaskan-rainbow.jpg|thumb|right|By association with [[nature]]'s enormities, a [[man]]'s [[heart]] may truly [[grow]] [[Greatness|big]] also.]] [[File:Study room of Lin Yutang House.JPG|thumb|The [[wise]] [[man]] [[reads]] both [[books]] and [[life]] itself.]] * '''This is a personal testimony, a testimony of my own experience of [[thought]] and [[life]]. It is not intended to be objective and makes no claim to establish eternal [[truths]]. In fact I rather despise claims to objectivity in [[philosophy]]; the point of view is the thing.''' I should have liked to call it "A Lyrical Philosophy," using the word "lyrical" in the sense of being a highly personal and individual outlook... ** Preface * It is not when he is working in the office but when he is lying idly on the sand that his [[soul]] utters, "[[Life]] is [[beautiful]]." ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 2 * While in the West, the insane are so many that they are put in an asylum, in China the insane are so unusual that we worship them, as anybody who has a [[knowledge]] of Chinese literature will testify. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 3 * A vague uncritical [[idealism]] always lends itself to ridicule and too much of it might be a [[danger]] to [[mankind]], leading it round in a futile wild-goose chase for imaginary ideals. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 4 * It is important that man [[dreams]], but it is perhaps equally important that he can [[laugh]] at his own dreams. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, pp. 4–5 * '''I distrust all [[dead]] and mechanical formulas for expressing anything connected with [[human]] affairs and human personalities. Putting human affairs in exact formulas shows in itself a lack of the [[sense]] of [[humor]] and therefore a lack of [[wisdom]].''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 5 * '''It is not so much what you believe in that matters, as the way in which you believe it and proceed to translate that [[belief]] into [[action]].''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 8 * '''My [[faith]] in [[human]] [[dignity]] consists in the belief that man is the greatest [[Trickster|scamp]] on [[earth]]. Human dignity must be associated with the idea of a scamp and not with that of an obedient, disciplined and regimented soldier.''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 12 * '''I am doing my best to [[Glory|glorify]] the [[Trickster|scamp]] or vagabond.''' I [[hope]] I shall succeed. For things are not so [[simple]] as they sometimes seem. In this present age of threats to [[democracy]] and individual [[liberty]], probably only the scamp and the [[spirit]] of the scamp alone will save us from being lost in serially numbered units in the masses of disciplined, obedient, regimented and uniformed coolies. '''The scamp will be the last and most formidable [[enemy]] of [[dictatorships]]. He will be the champion of [[human]] [[dignity]] and [[individual]] [[freedom]], and will be the last to be conquered. All modern [[civilization]] depends entirely upon him.''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 12 * I do not think that any civilization can be called complete until it has progressed from sophistication to unsophistication, and made a conscious return to simplicity of thinking and living, and I call no man wise until he has made the progress from the wisdom of knowledge to the wisdom of foolishness, and become a laughing philosopher, feeling first life's tragedy and then life's comedy. For we must weep before we can laugh. Out of sadness comes the awakening, and out of the awakening comes the laughter of the philosopher, with kindliness and tolerance to boot. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 13 * '''The [[world]] I believe is far too serious, and being far too serious, is it has need of a [[wise]] and merry [[philosophy]].''' ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 13 * To me personally, the only function of philosophy is to teach us to take life more lightly and gayly than the average businessman does, for no businessman who does not retire at fifty, if he can, is in my eyes a philosopher. ** Ch. I: The Awakening, p. 13 * All men and women have passions, natural desires and noble ambitions, and also a conscience; they have sex, hunger, fear, anger, and are subject to sickness, pain, suffering and death. Culture consists in bringing about the expression of these passions and desires in harmony. ** p. 20 * A reasonable naturalist then settles down to this [[life]] with a sort of animal satisfaction. As Chinese illiterate women put it, "Others gave [[birth]] to us and we give birth to others. What else are we to do?".... Life becomes a biological procession and the very question of immortality is sidetracked. For that is the exact feeling of a Chinese grandfather holding his grandchild by the hand and going to the shops to buy some candy, with the thought that in five or ten years he will be returning to his grave or to his ancestors. '''The best that we can hope for in this life is that we shall not have sons and grandsons of whom we need to be ashamed.''' ** p. 23 * One can learn such a lot and enjoy such a lot in seventy years, and three generations is a long, long time to see human follies and acquire human wisdom. Anyone who is wise and has lived long enough to witness the changes of fashion and morals and politics through the rise and fall of three generations should be perfectly satisfied to rise from his seat and go away saying, "It was a [[good]] show," when the curtain falls. ** p. 23-24 * Human life can be lived like a poem. ** p. 32 * Instead of holding on to the Biblical view that we are made in the image of [[God]], we come to realize that we are made in the image of the [[monkey]]. ** p. 36 * A man may own a thousand acres of land, and yet he still sleeps upon a bed of five feet. ** p. 38 (Chinese saying) * He who perceives death perceives a sense of the human comedy, and quickly becomes a poet. ** pp. 39–40 * What is patriotism but love of the good things we ate in our childhood? I have said elsewhere that the loyalty to Uncle Sam is the loyalty to doughnuts and ham and sweet potatoes and the loyalty to the German ''Vaterland'' is the loyalty to ''Pfannkuchen'' and Christmas ''Stollen''. As for international understanding, I feel that macaroni has done more for our appreciation of Italy than Mussolini... in food, as in death, we feel the essential brotherhood of mankind. ** Ch. IV : On Having A Stomach, p. 46 * How many of us are able to distinguish between the odors of noon and midnight, or of winter and summer, or of a windy spell and a still one? If man is so generally less [[happy]] in the cities than in the country, it is because all these variations and nuances of sight and smell and sound are less clearly marked and lost in the general monotony of gray walls and cement pavements. ** p. 129 * Those who are wise won't be busy, and those who are too busy can't be wise. ** p. 150 * On the whole, the enjoyment of leisure is something which decidedly costs less than the enjoyment of luxury. All it requires is an artistic temperament which is bent on seeking a perfectly useless afternoon spent in a perfectly useless manner. ** p. 153. Often quoted as: "If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live." * No, the enjoyment of an idle life doesn't cost any money. The capacity for true enjoyment of idleness is lost in the moneyed class and can be found only among people who have a supreme contempt for wealth. It must come from an inner richness of the soul in a man who loves the simple ways of life and who is somewhat impatient with the business of making money. ** p. 155 * True peace of mind comes from accepting the worst. ** p. 158 * The three great American vices seem to be efficiency, punctuality, and the desire for achievement and success. They are the things that make the Americans so unhappy and so nervous. ** p. 162 * '''A man who has to be punctually at a certain place at five o'clock has the whole afternoon from one to five ruined for him already.''' ** p. 163 * If the early Chinese people had any chivalry, it was manifested not toward women and children, but toward old people. That feeling of chivalry found clear expression in [[w:Mencius|Mencius]] in some such saying as, "The people with gray hair should not be seen carrying burdens on the street," which was expressed as the final goal of good government. ** p. 193 * Life after all is made up of eating and sleeping, of meeting and saying good-by to friends, of reunions and farewell parties, of tears and laughter, of having a haircut once in two weeks, of watering a potted flower and watching one’s neighbor fall off his roof. ** p. 202 * There is something in the nature of tea that leads us into a world of quiet contemplation of life. ** p. 224 * The greatest ideal that man can aspire to is not to be a show-case of virtue, but just to be a genial, likable and reasonable human being. ** p. 242 * The Chinese do not draw any distinction between food and medicine. ** Ch. IX : The Enjoyment of Living, p. 249, as quoted in {{cite book|author1=Fred R Shapiro|title=The Yale Book of Quotations|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=ck6bXqt5shkC|year=2006|publisher=Yale University Press|isbn=0-300-10798-6|page=467}} * '''By association with nature's enormities, a man's [[heart]] may truly grow big also.''' There is a way of looking upon a landscape as a moving picture and being satisfied with nothing less big as a moving picture, a way of looking upon tropic clouds over the horizon as the backdrop of a stage and being satisfied with nothing less big as a backdrop, a way of looking upon the mountain forests as a private garden and being satisfied with nothing less as a private garden, a way of listening to the roaring waves as a concert and being satisfied with nothing less as a concert, and a way of looking upon the mountain breeze as an air-cooling system and being satisfied with nothing less as an air-cooling system. So do we become big, even as the earth and firmaments are big. Like the "Big Man" described by Yuan Tsi (A.D. 210-263), one of China's first romanticists, '''we "live in heaven and earth as our house."''' ** p. 282 * When the mirror meets with an ugly woman, when a rare ink-stone finds a vulgar owner, and when a [[good]] [[sword]] is in the hands of a common general, there is utterly [[nothing]] to be done about it. ** p. 317 * Only those who take leisurely what the people of the world are busy about can be busy about what the people of the world take leisurely. ** p. 323 * A good traveler is one who does not know where he is going to, and a perfect traveler does not know where he came from. ** p. 332 * The wise man reads both books and life itself. ** p. 388 * '''Such [[religion]] as there can be in modern life, every [[individual]] will have to salvage from the churches for himself.''' ** p. 397 * I feel, like all modern Americans, no consciousness of [[sin]] and simply do not believe in it. All I know is that if [[God]] [[loves]] me only half as much as my [[mother]] does, he will not send me to [[Hell]]. '''That is a final [[fact]] of my inner [[consciousness]], and for no [[religion]] could I deny its [[truth]].''' ** p. 407 {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== * '''When small men begin to cast big shadows, it means that the sun is about to set.''' ** Frequently attributed to Lin Yutang (such as in ''Hard-to-Solve Cryptograms'' (2001) by Derrick Niederman, p. 96)<br>Actually a variation of a [[Walter Savage Landor]] quotation from his work [[w:Imaginary Conversations|Imaginary Conversations]]: "Little men in lofty places, who throw long shadows, because our sun is setting."[https://quoteinvestigator.com/2024/10/14/cast-shadow/#04497062-f275-4156-bc8a-11e4254053bf] {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Lin Yutang == * [''My Country and My People''] is, I think, '''the truest, the most profound, the most complete, the most important book yet written about China.''' And, best of all, it is written by a Chinese, a modern, whose roots are firmly in the past, but whose rich flowering is in the present. ** [[Pearl S. Buck]], Introduction to Lin Yutang's ''My Country and My People'' (1935), p. xii == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.amoymagic.com/linyutang.htm Lin Yutang Biography & Photograph Collection] *Lin Yutang's full books online at [[w:The Internet Archive|The Internet Archive]]: **[http://www.archive.org/details/MyCountryAndMyPeople ''My Country And My People'' (1936)] **[http://www.archive.org/details/wisdomofchinaand030122mbp ''The Wisdom Of China And India'' (1942)] **[http://www.archive.org/details/betweentearsandl010989mbp ''Between Tears And Laughter'' (1943)] **[http://www.archive.org/details/TheGayGenius ''The Gay Genius'' (1948)] * [http://humanum.arts.cuhk.edu.hk/Lexis/Lindict/ Lin Yutang's Chinese-English Dictionary of Modern Usage] * [http://idler.co.uk/idle-idols/idle-idols-lin-yutang/ Article in The Idler Magazine] - broken link, see: [https://web.archive.org/web/20090718214232/http://idler.co.uk/idle-idols/idle-idols-lin-yutang Internet Archive copy] instead * [http://www.linyutang.org.tw/user-en/aboutlinyutang_3.asp List of Lin Yutang's publications] - broken link, see: [https://web.archive.org/web/20120303144814/http://www.linyutang.org.tw/user-en/aboutlinyutang_3.asp Internet Archive copy] instead * [https://jshare.johnshopkins.edu/twu7/LinYuTang1.pdf Lin Yutang Biography Part 1 PDF (English translation of Anor Lin's work)] * [https://jshare.johnshopkins.edu/twu7/LinYuTang2.pdf Lin Yutang Biography Part 2 PDF (English translation of Anor Lin's work)] * [http://www.harrisphotography.co.uk/full_lin.htm G8INA's Full Lin Yutang English bibliography] - broken link, see: [https://web.archive.org/web/20100103044245/http://www.harrisphotography.co.uk/full_lin.htm Internet Archive copy] instead <!-- no "DEFAULTSORT": in Chinese name the surname proceeds the given name--> [[Category:Novelists from China]] [[Category:Lexicographers]] [[Category:Philosophers from China]] [[Category:Translators from China]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Christians]] [[Category:1895 births]] [[Category:1976 deaths]] setndgr20g7r48lvgptdju63bz09u8o 0 2240 3944362 3939691 2026-05-23T03:37:02Z PieWriter 3267587 Restored revision 3938973 by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-28229-04|~2026-28229-04]] ([[User talk:~2026-28229-04|talk]]): Unexplained removal of content (TwinkleGlobal) 3944362 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} __NOTOC__ '''''{{w|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}''''' (1988–1999; 2017–2018; 2022–) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by [[wikt:riff|riff]]ing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing [[wikt:erudite|erudite]] cultural [[wikt:quip|quip]]s with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 230 movies, 73 shorts, and 4 specials in the ''MST3K'' [[wikt:canon|canon]]. (See [[#Notes|Notes]] below for help on using this page.) <!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --> {| border=1 align=center style="text-align:center;" ! bgcolor=#3F3 | [[#Season 0|<span title="Season 0">KTMA</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Green Slime|<span title="The Green Slime">00</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Invaders from the Deep|<span title="Invaders from the Deep">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars|<span title="Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera|<span title="Gamera">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Phase IV|<span title="Phase IV">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Cosmic Princess|<span title="Cosmic Princess">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Humanoid Woman|<span title="Humanoid Woman">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Fugitive Alien|<span title="Fugitive Alien">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#SST: Death Flight|<span title="SST: Death Flight">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Mighty Jack|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Superdome|<span title="Superdome">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#City on Fire|<span title="City on Fire">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Time of the Apes|<span title="Time of the Apes">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Hangar 18|<span title="Hangar 18">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Last Chase|<span title="The Last Chase">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The "Legend of Dinosaurs"|<span title="The "Legend of Dinosaurs"">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#6C9 | [[#Season 1|<span title="Season 1">S1</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Eye|<span title="The Crawling Eye">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|<span title="The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Mad Monster|<span title="The Mad Monster">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Women of the Prehistoric Planet|<span title="Women of the Prehistoric Planet">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Corpse Vanishes|<span title="The Corpse Vanishes">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Hand|<span title="The Crawling Hand">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Monster|<span title="Robot Monster">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Slime People|<span title="The Slime People">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Project Moon Base|<span title="Project Moon Base">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Holocaust|<span title="Robot Holocaust">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Moon Zero Two|<span title="Moon Zero Two">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Untamed Youth|<span title="Untamed Youth">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Black Scorpion|<span title="The Black Scorpion">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 2|<span title="Season 2">S2</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocketship X-M|<span title="Rocketship X-M">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Sidehackers|<span title="The Sidehackers">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Jungle Goddess|<span title="Jungle Goddess">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Catalina Caper|<span title="Catalina Caper">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocket Attack U.S.A.|<span title="Rocket Attack U.S.A.">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Ring of Terror|<span title="Ring of Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Wild Rebels|<span title="Wild Rebels">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Lost Continent|<span title="Lost Continent">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Hellcats|<span title="The Hellcats">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#King Dinosaur|<span title="King Dinosaur">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#First Spaceship on Venus|<span title="First Spaceship on Venus">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. Megalon|<span title="Godzilla vs. Megalon">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster|<span title="Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 3|<span title="Season 3">S3</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Cave Dwellers|<span title="Cave Dwellers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera_2|<span title="Gamera">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Pod People|<span title="Pod People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Stranded in Space|<span title="Stranded in Space">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Time of the Apes_2|<span title="Time of the Apes">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Daddy-O|<span title="Daddy-O">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Amazing Colossal Man|<span title="The Amazing Colossal Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fugitive Alien_2|<span title="Fugitive Alien">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#It Conquered the World|<span title="It Conquered the World">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Earth vs. the Spider|<span title="Earth vs. the Spider">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mighty Jack_2|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenage Caveman|<span title="Teenage Caveman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent|<span title="The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II_2|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#War of the Colossal Beast|<span title="War of the Colossal Beast">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Unearthly|<span title="The Unearthly">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|<span title="Santa Claus Conquers the Martians">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja I|<span title="Master Ninja I">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Castle of Fu Manchu|<span title="The Castle of Fu Manchu">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja II|<span title="Master Ninja II">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 4|<span title="Season 4">S4</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Space Travelers|<span title="Space Travelers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Giant Gila Monster|<span title="The Giant Gila Monster">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#City Limits|<span title="City Limits">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenagers from Outer Space|<span title="Teenagers from Outer Space">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Being from Another Planet|<span title="Being from Another Planet">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the Giant Leeches|<span title="Attack of the Giant Leeches">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Killer Shrews|<span title="The Killer Shrews">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Unchained|<span title="Hercules Unchained">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Indestructible Man|<span title="Indestructible Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Against the Moon Men|<span title="Hercules Against the Moon Men">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Sword|<span title="The Magic Sword">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules and the Captive Women|<span title="Hercules and the Captive Women">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manhunt in Space|<span title="Manhunt in Space">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Tormented|<span title="Tormented">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Beatniks|<span title="The Beatniks">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fire Maidens of Outer Space|<span title="Fire Maidens of Outer Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Crash of Moons|<span title="Crash of Moons">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the the Eye Creatures|<span title="Attack of the the Eye Creatures">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Rebel Set|<span title="The Rebel Set">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Human Duplicators|<span title="The Human Duplicators">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Monster a-Go-Go|<span title="Monster a-Go Go">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Day the Earth Froze|<span title="The Day the Earth Froze">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Bride of the Monster|<span title="Bride of the Monster">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manos: The Hands of Fate|<span title="Manos: The Hands of Fate">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 5|<span title="Season 5">S5</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Warrior of the Lost World|<span title="Warrior of the Lost World">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules|<span title="Hercules">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Swamp Diamonds|<span title="Swamp Diamonds">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Secret Agent Super Dragon|<span title="Secret Agent Super Dragon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Voyage of Sinbad|<span title="The Magic Voyage of Sinbad">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Eegah!|<span title="Eegah!">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#I Accuse My Parents|<span title="I Accuse My Parents">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Operation Double 007|<span title="Operation Double 007">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Girl in Lovers Lane|<span title="The Girl in Lovers Lane">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Painted Hills|<span title="The Painted Hills">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gunslinger|<span title="Gunslinger">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mitchell|<span title="Mitchell">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Brain That Wouldn't Die|<span title="The Brain That Wouldn't Die">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Strangler|<span title="Teen-Age Strangler">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Wild Wild World of Batwoman|<span title="The Wild Wild World of Batwoman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Alien from L.A.|<span title="Alien from L.A.">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Beginning of the End|<span title="Beginning of the End">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Atomic Brain|<span title="The Atomic Brain">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Outlaw|<span title="Outlaw">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Radar Secret Service|<span title="Radar Secret Service">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Santa Claus|<span title="Santa Claus">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Crime Wave|<span title="Teen-Age Crime Wave">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Village of the Giants|<span title="Village of the Giants">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#12 to the Moon|<span title="12 to the Moon">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#FF9900 | [[#Season 6|<span title="Season 6">S6</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Girls Town|<span title="Girls Town">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Invasion U.S.A.|<span title="Invasion U.S.A.">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Dead Talk Back|<span title="The Dead Talk Back">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Zombie Nightmare|<span title="Zombie Nightmare">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Colossus and the Headhunters|<span title="Colossus and the Headhunters">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Creeping Terror|<span title="The Creeping Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Bloodlust!|<span title="Bloodlust!">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Code Name: Diamond Head|<span title="Code Name: Diamond Head">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Skydivers|<span title="The Skydivers">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Violent Years|<span title="The Violent Years">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Last of the Wild Horses|<span title="Last of the Wild Horses">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Starfighters|<span title="The Starfighters">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sinister Urge|<span title="The Sinister Urge">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#San Francisco International|<span title="San Francisco International">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Kitten with a Whip|<span title="Kitten with a Whip">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Racket Girls|<span title="Racket Girls">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sword and the Dragon|<span title="The Sword and the Dragon">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#High School Big Shot|<span title="High School Big Shot">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Red Zone Cuba|<span title="Red Zone Cuba">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Danger!! Death Ray|<span title="Danger!! Death Ray">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Beast of Yucca Flats|<span title="The Beast of Yucca Flats">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Angels Revenge|<span title="Angels Revenge">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Amazing Transparent Man|<span title="The Amazing Transparent Man">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Samson vs. the Vampire Women|<span title="Samson vs. the Vampire Women">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#F69 | [[#Season 7|<span title="Season 7">S7</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Night of the Blood Beast|<span title="Night of the Blood Beast">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Brute Man|<span title="The Brute Man">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|<span title="Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Incredible Melting Man|<span title="The Incredible Melting Man">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Escape 2000|<span title="Escape 2000">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Laserblast|<span title="Laserblast">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#F69 colspan=11 | [[#Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (This Island Earth)|<span title="Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie">MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=5 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 8|<span title="Season 8">S8</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Revenge of the Creature|<span title="Revenge of the Creature">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Leech Woman|<span title="The Leech Woman">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Mole People|<span title="The Mole People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Mantis|<span title="The Deadly Mantis">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Thing That Couldn't Die|<span title="The Thing That Couldn't Die">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Undead|<span title="The Undead">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Terror from the Year 5000|<span title="Terror from the Year 5000">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The She-Creature|<span title="The She-Creature">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#I Was a Teenage Werewolf|<span title="I Was a Teenage Werewolf">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Giant Spider Invasion|<span title="The Giant Spider Invasion">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#parts: the clonus horror|<span title="parts: the clonus horror">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|<span title="The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Jack Frost|<span title="Jack Frost">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Riding with Death|<span title="Riding with Death">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Agent for H.A.R.M.|<span title="Agent for H.A.R.M.">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Prince of Space|<span title="Prince of Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Horror of Party Beach|<span title="The Horror of Party Beach">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Doll|<span title="Devil Doll">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Invasion of the Neptune Men|<span title="Invasion of the Neptune Men">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Space Mutiny|<span title="Space Mutiny">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Time Chasers|<span title="Time Chasers">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|<span title="Overdrawn at the Memory Bank">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 9|<span title="Season 9">S9</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Projected Man|<span title="The Projected Man">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Phantom Planet|<span title="The Phantom Planet">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Pumaman|<span title="The Pumaman">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Werewolf|<span title="Werewolf">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Bees|<span title="The Deadly Bees">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Space Children|<span title="The Space Children">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hobgoblins|<span title="Hobgoblins">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Touch of Satan|<span title="The Touch of Satan">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Gorgo|<span title="Gorgo">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Final Sacrifice|<span title="The Final Sacrifice">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Fish|<span title="Devil Fish">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Screaming Skull|<span title="The Screaming Skull">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Quest of the Delta Knights|<span title="Quest of the Delta Knights">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 10|<span title="Season 10">S10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Soultaker|<span title="Soultaker">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Girl in Gold Boots|<span title="Girl in Gold Boots">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|<span title="Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Future War|<span title="Future War">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Blood Waters of Dr. Z|<span title="Blood Waters of Dr. Z">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...|<span title="Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Track of the Moon Beast|<span title="Track of the Moon Beast">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Final Justice|<span title="Final Justice">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hamlet|<span title="Hamlet">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#It Lives by Night|<span title="It Lives by Night">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Horrors of Spider Island|<span title="Horrors of Spider Island">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Squirm|<span title="Squirm">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Diabolik|<span title="Diabolik">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 11: The Return|<span title="Season 11">S11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Reptilicus|<span title="Reptilicus">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Cry Wilderness|<span title="Cry Wilderness">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Time Travelers|<span title="The Time Travelers">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Avalanche|<span title="Avalanche">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Beast of Hollow Mountain|<span title="The Beast of Hollow Mountain">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Starcrash|<span title="Starcrash">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Land That Time Forgot|<span title="The Land That Time Forgot">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Loves of Hercules|<span title="The Loves of Hercules">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Yongary: Monster from the Deep|<span title="Yongary: Monster from the Deep">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Carnival Magic|<span title="Carnival Magic">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|<span title="The Christmas That Almost Wasn't">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#At the Earth's Core|<span title="At the Earth's Core">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=10 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 12: The Gauntlet|<span title="Season 12: The Return">S12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Mac and Me|<span title="Mac and Me">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Atlantic Rim|<span title="Atlantic Rim">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Lords of the Deep|<span title="Lords of the Deep">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Day Time Ended|<span title="The Day Time Ended">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Killer Fish|<span title="Killer Fish">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Ator, the Fighting Eagle|<span title="Ator, the Fighting Eagle">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=18 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 13: The Gizmoplex|<span title="Season 13: The Gizmoplex">S13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Santo in the Treasure of Dracula|<span title="Santo in the Treasure of Dracula">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Robot Wars|<span title="Robot Wars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Beyond Atlantis|<span title="Beyond Atlantis">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Munchie|<span title="Munchie">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Doctor Mordrid|<span title="Doctor Mordrid">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Demon Squad|<span title="Demon Squad">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Gamera vs. Jiger|<span title="#Gamera vs. Jiger">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Batwoman|<span title="The Batwoman">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come|<span title="HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Mask 3D|<span title="The Mask 3D">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Bubble|<span title="The Bubble">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas Dragon|<span title="The Christmas Dragon">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! rowspan=3 bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Alphabet Antics (short)|<span title="Alphabet Antics (short)">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Appreciating Our Parents (short)|<span title="Appreciating Our Parents (short)">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Aquatic Wizards (short)|<span title="Aquatic Wizards (short)">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)|<span title="Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Assignment: Venezuela (short)|<span title="Assignment: Venezuela (short)">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Body Care and Grooming (short)|<span title="Body Care and Grooming (short)">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Case of Spring Fever (short)|<span title="A Case of Spring Fever (short)">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Catching Trouble (short)|<span title="Catching Trouble (short)">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Century 21 Calling (short)|<span title="Century 21 Calling (short)">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Cheating (short)|<span title="Cheating (short)">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)|<span title="The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Circus on Ice (short)|<span title="Circus on Ice (short)">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Date with Your Family (short)|<span title="A Date with Your Family (short)">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Day at the Fair (short)|<span title="A Day at the Fair (short)">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Days of Our Years (short)|<span title="The Days of Our Years (short)">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Design for Dreaming (short)|<span title="Design for Dreaming (short)">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Here Comes the Circus (short)|<span title="Here Comes the Circus (short)">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 1 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 1 (short)">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 2 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 2 (short)">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Home Economics Story (short)|<span title="The Home Economics Story (short)">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Is This Love? (short)|<span title="Is This Love? (short)">24</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Johnny at the Fair (short)|<span title="Johnny at the Fair (short)">25</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)|<span title="Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)">26</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Keeping Clean and Neat (short)|<span title="Keeping Clean and Neat (short)">27</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Last Clear Chance (short)|<span title="Last Clear Chance (short)">28</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Money Talks (short)|<span title="Money Talks (short)">29</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Mr. B Natural (short)|<span title="Mr. B Natural (short)">30</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)|<span title="Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)">31</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Out of This World (short)|<span title="Out of This World (short)">32</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)">33</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)">34</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)">35</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Posture Pals (short)|<span title="Posture Pals (short)">36</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Progress Island USA (short)|<span title="Progress Island USA (short)">37</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)">38</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)">39</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)">40</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)">41</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)">42</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)">43</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)">44</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)">45</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)">46</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)|<span title="Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)">47</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Selling Wizard (short)|<span title="The Selling Wizard (short)">48</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Snow Thrills (short)|<span title="Snow Thrills (short)">49</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)|<span title="Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)">50</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Using Your Voice (short)|<span title="Speech: Using Your Voice (short)">51</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Truck Farmer (short)|<span title="The Truck Farmer (short)">52</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)|<span title="Uncle Jim&apos;s Dairy Farm (short)">53</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)">54</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)">55</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)|<span title="What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)">56</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What to Do on a Date (short)|<span title="What to Do on a Date (short)">57</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)|<span title="Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)">58</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#X Marks the Spot (short)|<span title="X Marks the Spot (short)">59</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Young Man's Fancy (short)|<span title="A Young Man&apos;s Fancy (short)">60</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#9C6 | [[#Specials|<span title="Specials">Spec</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=5 | [[#Unknown episode|Unknown episode]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=2 | [[#Notes|<span title="Notes">Notes</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#Major cast|<span title="Major cast">Major cast</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=3 | [[#See also|<span title="See also">See also</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#External links|<span title="External links">External links</span>]] |} <!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --> == Notes == * '''How to use this page'''. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a [[w:tooltip|tooltip]]. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.) * '''What kind of quotes to add'''. Much of the humor in ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes ''do'' include ''MST3K'' humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations). * '''How to format quotes'''. See the [[Talk:Mystery Science Theater 3000|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.'' * '''What do the colors mean?''' The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for ''MST3K'': {| border=1 align=center ! align=left bgcolor=#3F3 | KTMA: Season 0 | bgcolor=#5F5 | Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#6C9 | Comedy Central: Season 1 | bgcolor=#8EB | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCF | Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 | bgcolor=#DDF | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#FF9900 | Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 | bgcolor=#FB2 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Comedy Central: Season 7 | bgcolor=#F8B | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Gramercy: ''MST3K: The Movie'' | bgcolor=#F69 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#C9F | Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 | bgcolor=#EBF | Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short features (various seasons) | bgcolor=#EF5 | (various casts & channels) |- ! align=left bgcolor=#9C6 | CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) | bgcolor=#BBEE88 | Mike & the Bots |} <!-- END COLOR SCHEME TABLE --> <br clear="all"/> == KTMA (Season 0) == === [[w:The Green Slime|The Green Slime]] === :'''Man''': That's an asteroid! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!]]{{hnote|The promotional riff of the series.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Take us into the number two position, will you? :'''Joel''': ''[getting up to leave]'' Speaking of the number two position... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey, Crow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes, Joel Hodgson? :'''Joel''': I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out. :'''Crow''': You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out? :'''Joel''': It was on [[w:Stereo 8|8-track]]. :''[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]'' === [[w:Stingray (1964 series)|Invaders from the Deep]] === :'''Captain Troy Tempest''': No visible sign of trouble. :'''Joel''': Not yet. :'''Tempest''': Down SVC. Standby to surface. :'''Lt. George "Phones" Sheridan''': Standing by. :'''Tempest''': Right. Blow 1. :'''Phones''': Blow 1. :'''Joel [as Tempest]''': Pull my finger. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Marina, Tempest, and Phones dive through an underwater cave]'' :'''Joel''': They stay down pretty good for being made out of wood. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray]'' :'''Joel''': Are they sweating or is that sap? :... :'''Crow''': Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair]'' :'''Joel''': Oh he's pacing, right? :'''Crow''': His boots weren't made for walking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray comes upon a deep extinct volcano]'' :'''Crow''': They're lucky to find an extinct volcano. I didn't even know they were endangered. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray settles on the fairly well lit seabed of the underwater volcano]'' :'''Crow''': That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea. :'''Joel''': I was just gonna say that. === [[w:Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons|Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars]] === :''[after Breck is shot and falls from his position]'' :'''Joel''': You know that puppet does his own stunts. :'''Crow''': Does he really? :'''Servo''': I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV. <hr width=50%/> :''[SID announces the return of Captain Scarlet to Lunarville 7]'' :'''Lunar Controller''': They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once. :'''Orson''': Yes, sir. :'''Lunar Controller''': What they have seen must ''never'' get back to Earth. Bring them here. :'''Captain Scarlet''': ''[entering the room]'' There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Arrest ''me?'' You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth. :'''Captain Scarlet''': We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed. :'''Lunar Controller''': No. You will never leave the moon alive. ''Any'' of you. :'''Captain Scarlet''': SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Don't waste your breath. :'''SID''': A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three. :'''Lunar Controller''': No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits! :'''Captain Scarlet''': Come on. :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal]'' Get it? Seal? ... never mind. :'''Lunar Controller''': SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them! :''[Captain Blue knocks out Orson]'' :'''Captain Blue''': Let's go! :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[standing in front of SID]'' I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay, I get it... :'''Captain Scarlet''': It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you. :'''Servo''': I figured you would. :'''Captain Scarlet''': I changed recognition disks with you last night. :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[getting desperate]'' SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''SID''': I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that. :'''Lunar Controller''': Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that. :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[pointing a gun at SID]'' This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk- ''[Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically]'' '''I... AM... ''SORRY...''''' :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base]'' Obey! OBEY!!! :'''Joel''': Alright already! :'''Crow''': You know, there was an ''off'' switch, dumb-o. :''[SID begins exploding, and destroying Lunarville 7]'' :'''SID''': '''''I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...''''' :'''Joel''': I'm sorry you two had to see that. :'''Crow''': It wasn't pretty. :'''Servo''': I'm all choked up. === [[w: Star Wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :'''Ken''': Captain Joe, you don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole. If you chart your course carefully, you can go through a tunnel out to a white hole in safety. It's a tricky maneuver. :'''Dan''': Where did you hear that? :'''Ken''': Where did I hear it? I'm afraid I don't remember. I guess it was at one of those scientific briefings I attended. :'''Servo''': I don't think they should try it, they can't even get their lips to move with the words. <hr width=50%/> :''[During an effects sequence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They must've spent tens of dollars on this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': ''[attempting a takeover of Bacchus III]'' Black hole ahead! If we get any closer, it'll swallow us! I ordered you to change course to starboard! Ken! Starboard course! :'''Servo''': I would do my black hole jokes, but they all suck. ''[Crow and Joel groan]'' <hr width=50%/> : ''[as a desert tornado begins to blow the sand off of Bacchus III, freeing the ship]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz|It's a twister!]] :'''Crow''': Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto! :'''Servo''': Toto too? :... :''[music plays as the sand is blown away]'' :'''Crow''': It's not the wind, it's a men's choir. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the crew of Bacchus III has successfully destroyed the Saysar weapon]'' :'''Captain Joe''': I came up to tell you how proud I am of you guys. You're the greatest crew a captain ever had. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Thank you for shooting me with a dart. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ken''': ''[seeing his "mother" running away]'' There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away? :'''Crow''': Could be your breath. :'''Joel''': Maybe you're ''mistaken''? :'''Servo''': Maybe it's a trap. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ken prepares to leave Bacchus III, and is bidding the crew farewell]'' :'''Ken''': Dan... :'''Dan''': We've been through a lot together. :'''Ken''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Except for a good movie. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages. :'''Servo''': Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages! :'''Joel''': Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two? :'''Caller 1''': I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway. :'''Servo''': What a complete wing-nut! :'''Joel''': Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great. :'''Crow''': Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic. :'''Servo''': Could I say something to our ''friendly caller'', Joel? :'''Joel''': Of course, Servo. :'''Servo''': Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble? :'''Joel''': Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one. :'''Caller 2''': ''[excitedly]'' Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!! :'''Crow''': Oh, he must mean [[w:Dave Moore (newscaster)|Dave Moore]]. :'''Servo''': No, he's on [[W:WCCO-TV|TV 4]]. :'''Crow''': No, that's ''Moore On 4''. :'''Servo''': No, that's a black gospel singing group. :'''Crow''': No, that's Moore By Four. :'''Servo''': Isn't that an off road truck? :'''Crow''': No, that's a 4x4. :'''Servo''': No you're thinking of a 2x4. :'''Crow''': No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy." :'''Servo''': No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out. :'''Crow''': No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant! <hr width=50%/> :'''Japanese General''': Operation Rear View Mirror has failed. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :'''Crow''': Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— ''[a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence]'' —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! :'''Joel''': See, I told you guys it would work. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]'' :'''Dr. Hidaka''': The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere. :''[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]'' :'''Joel''': There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]'' :'''Kenny''': Tibby? Tibby? Tibby? :'''Joel''': Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]'' :'''Joel [as Catherine]''': When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole ''box'' of gravel. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]'' :'''Joel''': All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, grow a brain already! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.]'' :'''Joel''': The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films. === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === :''[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh my God, it's [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|Gordon Lightfoot]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera! :'''Joel''': Keep your shirt on, honey. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[after Gyaos's leg is cut off by his own beam attack]'' :'''Servo''': He doesn't have a leg to stand on. :'''Crow''': That's a lame joke. :'''Servo''': They can call him Ilene now. :'''Joel''': He's hopping mad. :'''Crow''': Went out on a limb for that one. :'''Tom''': Looks like it's trying to run away. :'''Akio''': I don't think so. It's trying to attack from behind. :'''Servo''': Maybe the kids should help him. Give him a leg up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat. === [[w:Phase IV (1974 film)|Phase IV]] === :'''Crow''': Looks kinda skinny. Must be a [[w:Karen Carpenter|Carpenter]] [[w:Carpenter ant|ant]]. ''[chuckling]'' Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause— :'''Joel''': ''[horrified]'' Oh no... :'''Crow''': Never mind. :'''Joel''': You don't mean that... :'''Servo''': [[w:Anorexia nervosa|Ant-orexic]]. :'''Crow''': ''[laughs]'' See? Servo got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in ''[[The Flintstones]]''. :'''Crow''': I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]'' :'''Crow''': Hope no one's eating rice at this point. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth? :'''Crow''': Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill [[w:Sandy Frank|Sandy Frank]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, that's just a ''given''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the end credits roll.]'' :'''Crow''': I thought it was deep... :'''Joel''': What did you think, Servo? :'''Servo''': I thought it was pathetic. :'''Crow''': So deep, we should've been wearing boots. :'''Servo''': This made [[w:Gamera|flying turtles]] look good. === [[w:Space 1999|Cosmic Princess]] === :''[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of a [[w:jack-o'-lantern|jack-o'-lantern]] monster. :'''Servo''': ''[deadpan]'' Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling. :'''Crow''': I think the prop department ''juuuust'' ran out of money. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]'' :'''Tony''': 1... 2... :'''Servo [as Tony]''': 3... :'''Tony''': 5... :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': What?! :'''Tony''': 6... :'''Joel''': That's why they're in such trouble. :'''Tony''': 7... 4. :'''Crow''': Well, they are British. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the credits.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Nick Brimble|Nick Brimble]]! I had a knick on my Brimble once. === [[w:Per Aspera Ad Astra (1981 film)|Humanoid Woman]] === :'''Joel''': The plot thickens. :'''Servo''': Like rancid pea soup. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :'''Joel''': Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. === [[w:SST: Death Flight|SST: Death Flight]] === :''[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]'' :'''Angela''': ''[vapidly]'' Hello! :''[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Please put your ''brain'' under the seat in front of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Passengers are boarding.]'' :'''Crow [as Attendant]''': Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]'' :'''Capt. Walsh''': Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Walsh]''': An oncoming plane. :'''Capt. Walsh''': Although the sky above remains black… :'''Crow [as Capt. Walsh]''': … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]'' :'''Carla Stanley''': Please, do something! We'll all be ''killed''! :'''Crow''': I guess she's in charge of panicking. :'''Servo [as Kingman]''': Okay, all the actors form a line! "[[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]" on the left, "[[w:Fantasy Island|Fantasy Island]]" on the right! === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]'' :'''Joel''': So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? === [[w:Superdome (film)|Superdome]] === :''[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Magnum, P.I.|Magnum, deep fried.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film ends just before the kickoff.]'' :'''Announcer''': There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same. :'''Servo''': ''[annoyed]'' Who won? :'''Crow''': I know I'll never be quite the same. :'''Joel''': This movie's history. :'''Crow''': We're history. :'''Joel''': Let's go. :''[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]'' :'''Servo''': Who won? ... ''Who won?'' ... ''Who won the game?!'' === [[w:City on Fire (1979 film)|City on Fire]] === : '''Dr. Erhardt''': We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough! : '''Dr. Forrester''': I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha– :''[Barry Newman's credit appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Like Barry Newman. :'''Servo''': So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet this was made in Canada. :'''Servo''': ''Oui.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]'' :'''Dr. Whitman''': You all know "Follow the Leader"? :'''Crow''': This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]'' :'''Servo [as Diana]''': Doctor, I think we got our blood donor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman is going into labor.]'' :'''Crow''': Get a catcher's mitt! :'''Joel''': Boil some water. :'''Crow''': Boil some newspapers! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Kinda sorry [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley]] bought it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... kinda of a shame. :'''Servo''': She bought it, but ''we'' paid for it. === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :''[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]'' :'''Crow''': Someone wants to admit that they wrote this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Still shot of two gorillas]'' :'''Crow''': Oh look, it's [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley Winters]] and [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]]. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :''[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol [[w:Frankie Avalon|Frankie Avalon]]) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]'' :'''Joel''': Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain. :'''Crow''': Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. :. . . :'''Tommy''': I wonder if ''this'' is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah! :'''Joel''': Good one, Frankie. ''We'll'' make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! === [[w:Hangar 18 (film)|Hangar 18]] === === [[w:The Last Chase|The Last Chase]] === :''[a credit for the [[w:Canadian Film Development Corporation|Canadian Film Development Corporation]] appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it '''''SUCKED!!''''' === [[w:Legend of Dinosaurs & Monster Birds|The "Legend of Dinosaurs"]] === :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]], the [[w:Creature from the Black Lagoon|Creature from]] [[w:The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|the Blue Lagoon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reporter''': Everyone is asking the same question... :'''Servo''': Why am I watching this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]'' :'''Joel''': It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. == Season 1 == === [[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]] === :'''Servo''': ''[first riff; displaying a mountainside]'' This must be a [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Picture]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]'' :'''Mountaineer''': His head! ... It was ''torn off''! :'''Servo''': You say that like it's a ''bad'' thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]'' :'''Servo [as Conductor]''': Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death. <hr width="50%"> :''[A woman- Anne- stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]'' :'''Joel [as mountain]''': ''[deeply]'' I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anne''': ''[after being asked by her sister if she's troubled by anything]'' I feel wonderful; I just wish others would stop treating me like an invalid. :'''Joel''': How about a wheelchair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Anne falls on top of Alan Brooks (played by Forrest Tucker) as he's reading his newspaper]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': It's fine. It was just the baseball scores. :'''Joel''': It's just a prop, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alan Brooks''': ''[he and Prof. Crevett are discussing the recent string of climbing accidents on the mountain]'' Where people climb mountains, there are lots of accidents. :'''Prof. Crevett''': That's true; and sometimes- the bodies- they disappear. But here, the search parties go out, and always they find nothing. Why do you suppose that is? :'''Servo''': ''[as Brooks]'' They're not good search parties? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the titular eye'' '''''finally''''' ''appears as a young girl rushes back into the hotel on the mountain to retrieve her toy ball]'' :'''Joel''': It thinks that ball is one of its pupils. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Is there a sequel to this movie? :'''Crow''': Yeah; [[w:The_Eiger_Sanction_(film)|The Eye-ger Sanction]]! :'''Servo''': Starring [[w:Burl Ives|Burl Eye-ves]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel chastises the bots for continuous eye puns; however, moments later...]'' :'''Joel''': I spy with my little eye... :'''Servo''': You hypocrite! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anne is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike. Alan Brooks tends to her]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': Let's get you outside and have some fresh air. :'''Servo''': I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I got an itch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[entering Deep 13; first lines]'' Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did you wear your disguise? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I was, but I just don't look that good in heels. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No-one must know we're down here doing this! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[meekly]'' I'm sorry. === [[w:The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy]] === :''[Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[to Forrester]'' Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center ''again''. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I only did that once! ''[Erhardt sternly clears his throat]'' OK, twice. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': It was three times! :'''Dr. Forrester''': The ''third'' time I used the ''incendiaries'', and it didn't make the building blow ''up'', it just made it burn. Really... quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player]'' Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. ''[shows record]'' Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... ''[scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound]'' Now open it. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll stay. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Close it. ''[shrill scratching sound continues]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll leave. :'''Dr. Forrester''': And so on and so forth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love]'' Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch, King of the Demon Dogs''': ''[as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs]'' First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink [[Star Trek: The Original Series|Tranya]]. :'''Crow''': ''[snarkily]'' From a dish off the floor, boy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, they're gone! :'''Servo''': Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"? :'''Joel''': D'oh! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Commando Cody flies across the moon surface, surveying the terrain]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, the moon looks just like [[w:Arizona|Arizona]], you guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]'' :'''Crow [as Retik/Larry]''': [[w:Newhart#LarryDarryl2|I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commando Cody''': Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Retik]''': It's an election year. :'''Retik''': Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. :'''Commando Cody''': Why do you want to invade the Earth? :'''Retik''': Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cody]''': Get a humidifier! ==== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) ==== :''[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]'' :'''Dr. Almada''': So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god [[w:Tezcatlipoca|Tezcatlipoca]]. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Almada]''': The god of decaffeinated coffee. :'''Dr. Almada''': They were discovered by the tribal priests. :''[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Dr. Almada]''': They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew [[Advertising slogans#manhandlers|how to handle a hungry man]]. <hr width=50%> :''[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of looks like ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'', doesn't it? :'''Servo [as Xochi]''': ''[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]'' :: I've reached the end of my life :: And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Popaca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy]'' [[The Elephant Man (film)|I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Popoca wanders through the cemetary]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, look; [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]! :'''Servo''': Who's buried in Peter's grave? :'''Joel''': [[w:James Arness|James Arness]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[of Popoca]'' You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces! :'''Joel''': Bruno, stop letting hate run your life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]'' :'''Dr. Krupp''': Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! :'''Joel''': The ''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmo]]'' sex quiz? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Krupp''': ''[continues to boast about his "human robot"]'' With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me! :'''Servo''': Wait, a ''human'' robot? There's a flaw right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Popoca tears apart Krupp's robot with relative ease]'' I looked up "anticlimax" in the dictionary; it said "See 'Aztec Mummy'." === [[w:The Mad Monster|The Mad Monster]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :''[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]'' :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': These are the extras...they'll probably get killed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Cody is fighting off a henchman]'' Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody beats up Retik]'' That's for [[w:Bryant Gumbel|Bryant Gumbel]]; that's for [[w:Gene Shalit|Gene Shalit]]; and '''that's''' for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb! :'''Crow''': Those are all [[w:Bob Mackie|Bob Mackie]] creations, aren't they? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening]'' Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em. :'''Servo''': Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like '''Moon Cars''', perhaps? ==== The Mad Monster (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cameron is ranting out loud to himself after Petro's transformation]'' :'''Cameron''': Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now! :'''Servo''': ''[as Cameron]'' Now Bingo is his name-oh! :'''Crow''': ''[of wolf-man Petro]'' Now he's his own best friend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Cameron hallucinates his old academic colleagues berating his werewolf experiments]'' :'''Professor''': There are institutions for madmen- :'''Servo''': ''[as Professor]'' Like the Pentagon! :'''Professor''': -And we'll see to it you're confined in one! :'''Servo''': ''[as the visions vanish]'' You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him. :'''Cameron''': We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see... :'''Joel''': Next comes the '''''[[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Present]]'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Blaine''': Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! :'''Joel''': Tell that to the NFL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]'' :'''Servo''': Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law]'' She's stoned; [[w:Whistler's Mother|Whistler's Mother]] is stoned. :'''Servo''': At least [[w:Popeye|Popeye]] got [[w:Gender-affirming surgery|that operation]] he always wanted. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp]'' :''Come and listen to the story of a man named Jed'' :''A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed'' :''Then one day, he was shooting at some food...'' :'''Joel''': ''[joining in]'' ''...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.'' :'''Servo''': ''Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face.'' :''[the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward]'' :'''Servo''': ''The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared.'' :''The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!"'' :''Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be,"'' :''So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family...'' :'''Joel''': Good one, Crow. :'''Servo''': [I'm] Servo. :'''Crow''': Ah, over here. :'''Joel''': Right, sorry; good one, Servo. ''[turns towards Crow]'' You too, Crow. :'''Servo''': ''[unenthused]'' Gee, thanks, Ed! :'''Crow''': I didn't do anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro as a wolfman flees back into the swamp after killing the farmer's young daughter]'' :'''Crow''': I've seen better dog acts on the old [[w:The Ed Sullivan Show|Sullivan show]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Cameron''': ''[to Prof. Fitzgerald]'' I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Cameron]'' ...And their hair. :'''Dr. Cameron''': Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence! :'''Joel''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[towards Dr. Cameron]'' I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan! :'''Servo''': ''[as Fitzgerald]'' Or you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lenore''': ''[confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house]'' There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid! :'''Servo''': ''[as Lenore]'' It makes me want to sing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer''': ''[towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine]'' This should make a gory enough story for your paper. :'''Tom''': It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend. :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lenore and Tom are discussing what could've happened to a wounded Prof. Fitzgerald]'' :'''Lenore''': Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think- :'''Tom''': I don't know what to think! :'''Servo''': ''[as Tom]'' [[Airplane!|And stop calling me Shirley!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Petro''': ''[snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron]'' I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever. :'''Dr. Cameron''': That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it. :'''Servo''': I had a Marsh Rash once. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[with their heads swapped, whilst speaking in unison]'' Hey, are you thinking what '''I'm''' thinking? :'''Servo''': You like long walks in the rain? :'''Crow''': Chinese food? :'''Servo''': Mushing up your ice cream? :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[in unison]'' Oh, yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel's! There is nothing that can stand in our way. We have seen the future and it is us; massage us into your scalp! We are all one; all powerful... YES! We are Servo Crow-ation, and we shall rule the wor- ''[Joel shuts them both off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in bemusement]'' My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[viewing Cameron's lab]'' You seem to be excellently equipped. :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro decides to turn against Cameron in the climax]'' :'''Cameron''': ''[in terror]'' Petro; stay back! :'''Servo''': ''[as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron]'' I'll show you how the choke chain feels! :'''Joel''': And it '''don't''' feel good. === [[w:Women of the Prehistoric Planet|Women of the Prehistoric Planet]] === :''[Joel presents a last-minute Invention Exchange item; a roll of toilet paper inside a two liter soda bottle]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Well, I guess that could come in handy; as a molotov cocktail or something... :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You two are unbelievable! You could make Tiddly-winks sound evil! :'''Dr. Forrester''' and '''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[cheerfully]'' Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]'' :'''Lt. Bradley''': Hi-keeba! Hup! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, I could watch that all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]], and [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': SHUT UP!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is he [[w:Primordial soup|primordial]] [[Advertising slogans#soup-yet|soup yet]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tang serenades Linda with music played on a pan-flute]'' :'''Crow''': Now he's going to play the world's most loved melodies, a la [[w:Gheorghe Zamfir|Zamfir]]. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as Tang]'' [[w:Sheldon Leonard|Get me; I'm the master]] [[It's a Wonderful Life|of the pan-flute!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is attempting to disarm an [[Isaac Asimov]] doomsday device]'' :'''Crow''': You're playing dice with the universe here, Joel. I hope you realize that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Asimov doomsday device goes off, but all it does is give the S.o.L. crew labcoats and sideburns]'' :'''Joel''': This cockamamie satellite turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs! . . . :'''Crow''': D'you think it's a conspiracy? :'''Servo''': ''[speaking like Asimov]'' No; I tackled the 'conspiracy' topic in my volume set on Assassinations and Coups. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Scott]''': I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[as one of the scouts ends up mauled by a giant fake-looking spider]'' My God, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linda''': ''[in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang]'' I hate you; I hate '''all''' of you! :'''Joel''': Jeez, ''don't'' say hi then! <hr width="50%"/> :''[footage of the planet's volcano erupting plays]'' :'''Servo''': More stock footage; hit the deck! :'''Crow''': Look out, the styrofoam is on fire! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Admiral David King''': Mr. Scott, make an entry in the ship's log. ''[Servo begins grumbling]'' ... to the third planet of the Solaris system. As this planet was heretofore unknown... ''[Joel begins grumbling]'' ... from this day forward, the third planet of the Solaris system will be known as the blue planet. We designate it planet... Earth. :'''Joel''': ''Earth?!'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, who made you God? :'''Servo''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, man evolved from Tang, right. We better get outta here, we'd better go. :'''Joel''': That means my great great grandmother was really, really hot! :'''Crow''': Was she? You got a picture? === [[w:The Corpse Vanishes|The Corpse Vanishes]] === :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[calling into the Satellite of Love to address Joel for the Invention Exchange]'' Come in, Joel; you tree-rotating skanky boy! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[impressed]'' Not bad; not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo are mulling over the latest issue of'' '''''[[w:Tiger Beat|Tiger Bot]]''''' ''magazine]'' :'''Crow''': Who's the Dream Date this week? :'''Servo''': Let's see... it says- [[w:Buck Rogers|Twiki]]. :'''Crow''': Twiki?! What a coaster; he hasn't worked since '''''Buck Rogers'''''! :'''Servo''': I know; what a putz! ''[mockingly]'' Bidi-bidi-bidi; wanna dance, Buck? :'''Crow''': That guy couldn't interface without a lode-pan adapter. Such a shrimpy little bot anyway; with those ineffectual arms, and that stupid bubble head, and... :'''Servo''': ''[offended]'' Real funny, Crow. :'''Crow''': ''[in realization]'' Whoops! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays]'' Why does the Earth have a shadow? :'''Servo''': Why are there clouds in space? :'''Crow''': '''Why''' are we watching this? :'''Servo''': Daddy, what's Vietnam? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Retik''': ''[demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists]'' Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?! :'''Krog''': I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency. :'''Crow''': ''[as Krog]'' All the hardware stores are closed! ==== The Corpse Vanishes (movie) ==== :''[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back! :''[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lorenz]''': Thank you, I ''love'' cake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Land Shark (Saturday Night Live)|Landshark]]. : . . . :''[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]'' :'''Joel [as Landshark]''': Candygram. : . . . :''[The two women hear another knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Pizza delivery|Pizza delivery]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lorenz]''': I've got to go back here and talk to [[w:The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|the Lion and the Witch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one character is shown wandering around in a fancy outfit]'' :'''Crow''': Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that? :'''Joel''': Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Foster and Patricia Hunter introduce themselves to each other on the ride over to Lorenz's castle]'' :'''Dr. Foster''': My name is Dr. Foster. :'''Patricia''': I'm Patricia Hunter. :'''Joel''': I'm Joel. :'''Servo''': I'm Servo. :'''Crow''': I'm Crow! ... :'''Patricia''': I'm a news reporter. :'''Servo''': '''I'm''' a robot. :'''Joel''': I'm a human being. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': Now you might feel a little sting... :''[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': OK, a big sting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Lorenz angrily slaps Patricia in the face for her arriving for an interview]'' :'''Patricia''': ''[to Dr. Foster]'' So that's what you call [them being] eccentric. I have another name for it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Patricia]'' I call it ''bitchy''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Foster''': ''[as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz]'' The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair... :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Foster]'' The cut of our jib. :'''Joel''': Learning is fun! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the RAM chip segment]'' :'''Crow''': Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of ''mutants''! :'''Joel''': ''[chuckles]'' OK...and a bad thing? :'''Crow''': They were all so ''stupid'', they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' You, my friend, get a RAM chip! === [[w:The Crawling Hand|The Crawling Hand]] === :''[Stranded and virus-infected astronaut Lockhart begs for NASA scientists to push his capsule's remote self-destruct button]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Lockhart/[[David Bowie]]]'' [[w:Space Oddity (song)|This is Major Tom to Ground Control]]... ... :'''Crow''': Push that (button), and he's an astro-not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]'' :'''Owner''': No dancing, not allowed. :'''Joel''': This is just like ''[[w:Footloose|Footloose]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]'' :'''Crow [as Owner]''': No acting, not allowed. : . . . :''[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]'' :'''Owner''': No rats. :'''Joel [as Owner]''': Unless they're on the menu. :... :''[even later, as Paul attempts to throttle the diner owner while under the hand's influence]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Owner]'' No strangling, not allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey! Is this ''[[w:From Here to Eternity|From Here to Eternity]]''? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, it just seems like an eternity. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo tell Joel off in that he always wins every game he makes the Bots play- due to their non-functioning arms- and leave him alone]'' :'''Joel''': ''[addressing Cambot]'' Cambot, I want you to remind me of something: next time I make a robot, no more free will. That's it; and now we've got commercial sign. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]'' :'''Marta''': Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"? :'''Paul''': "Stacked"? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': "Stacked" means you're really smart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hey, why's she wearing a swimsuit with a codpiece? :'''Servo''': Oh, just for the ''halibut.'' Heh, sorry. :'''Crow''': Stop it, you're giving me a haddock. :'''Servo''': Oh, you're a pain in the bass. :'''Crow''': You have no sole. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Sheriff Townsend/[[Gilligan's Island|Skipper]] to Paul]'' Where's the little body, little buddy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Townsend''': Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening? :'''Crow [as Sheriff]''': [[w:Koan|The sound of one hand clapping]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Let's see... if I were an arm, where would I hide? My sleeve, of course! <hr width="50%"/> :''[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a [[w:geiger counter|geiger counter]].]'' :'''Dr. Weitzberg''': Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. :'''Joel''': Must be a talent meter. === [[w:Robot Monster|Robot Monster]] === :'''Dr Ernhardt''': ''[of Robot Monster]'' To call this film wretched would be an insult to the word wretched. It stars '''no-one'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo]'' Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)? :'''Servo''': Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan. :'''Crow''': But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live! :'''Servo''': But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick. :'''Crow''': Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, '''he''' is Hu-Man; '''''YOU''''' are Ro-Man! ... :''[a moment later Joel meets up with the Bots]'' :'''Joel''': Hey Crow, Servo. What's up? :'''Servo''': Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, [[James Bond|Mr. Bond]]; I must kill you now- ''[Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense]'' Whoa! :'''Crow''': Joel; what happened? :'''Joel''': (It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me! :'''Crow''': No, we were just doing a little role-playing! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 4 (short) ==== :''[Servo sneezes violently]'' :'''Joel''': Bless you! :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': You're not supposed to do that... :'''Servo''': That stirred up my RAMS real bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber shoots at Cody with one hand while driving away from him with the other]'' :'''Joel''': Wow, he can drive and shoot at the same time? He must be ambidextrous! :'''Crow''': Boy, I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[being dragged back to his seat by Joel]'' This is Buddhist! You invented us '''to suffer'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of Servo and Crow griping]'' I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Moon Men henchmen are being pursued by Cody and the cops]'' :'''Crow''': You're watching the "All Car-Chase Network"! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as the henchmen resume driving after ditching their getaway car for an ambulence]'' We now return you to the All Car-Chase Network; already in progress. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody]'' :'''Joel''': Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. ==== Robot Monster (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[of Ro-Man as he first appears]'' This is what comes of teaching apes sign-language. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]'' :'''Ro-Man''': Humans! Listen to me! :'''Servo''': ''[in a dopey tone of voice]'' Okay! :'''Ro-Man''': Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ro-Man]'' We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. :'''Ro-Man''': Now I know you are watching! I can see five of you who have not been destroyed. Show yourselves and I promise a painless death! :'''Crow''': ''[as the Professor]'' Ah, we're looking at a few other options first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays]'' It's a V-2 rocket! :'''Crow''': [[w:V8 (beverage)|Could've had a V-8]]! ''[Joel slaps Crow upside the head]'' Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke! :'''Servo''': I thought it was hilarious! ''[Joel slaps Servo on the dome]'' <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]'' : '''Ro-Man''': And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. : '''Crow''': He's so negative! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alice and Roy cavort in an open field]'' :'''Joel''': Even at the end of the world, love springs eternal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]'' :'''Joel''': Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen ''[[Salvador Dalí|Dali]]'' paintings that make more sense than this movie does. :'''Servo''': Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between [[w:surrealism|surrealism]] and costume-shop closeouts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]'' :'''Joel''': That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]'' :'''Great Guidance''': To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ro-Man]''': Me-man? :'''Ro-Man''': Yes. ''[distressed]'' To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! :'''Great Guidance''': You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy ''you''. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ro-Man]''': Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? :'''Servo [as Great Guidance]''': Do not violate ape law! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home]'' It's the Berlin Wall! :'''Joel''': Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device]'' [[w:Hare Trigger|Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg]]... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Guidance, in annoyance]'' I hired an idiot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the end of the film, Joel? :'''Joel''': Uh, I don't think it is. :'''Servo''': You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Joel''': Huh? What? :''[after the third time they repeat themselves]'' :'''Joel''': We've gotta get out of here. :'''Servo''': This is pathetic! ''[pause]'' You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Crow''': Stop it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Joel and the Bots have been left delirious by the film and present a "pageant" about the many contradictions of Ro-Man as a character]'' :'''Crow''': [[Declaration of Independence|We believe these truths to be evident]]- and obvious. :'''Servo''': Please give to the United Robot College Fund! :'''Joel''': Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? ''[addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt]'' What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of [[w:Jules Bergman|Jules Bergman]] was that?! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped. === [[w:The Slime People|The Slime People]] === :'''Crow''': ''[in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up]'' Here's a little morning poem- : ''Birdie with the yellow bill'' : ''hopped upon my windowsill;'' : ''cocked his shining eye and said'' : ''"What's for breakfast, Grandma?".'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy]'' We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! ''[to Dr. Forrester]'' May I? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Enjoy! :'''Cotton Candy''': ''[as Ernhardt bites down]'' Ow! That's my head! Owwww! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, what do you think of that? :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all]'' The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public. :'''Servo''': Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist! :'''Joel''': I guess you're right. ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 6 (short) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hip? Not. Ick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain. :'''Crow''': ''[as Joan, making a phone call]'' Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots hold Commando Cody on trial for his various on-screen misdemeanors]'' :'''Crow''': Today I will prove that Commando Cody is guilty of the following felony changes- failure to follow a proper flight plan, reckless endangerment of the public, defying the laws of physics... and gravity, and acting as an officer of the law... and simply bad acting. :'''Servo''': ''[acting as Cody's lawyer]'' We plead hardship, your Honor! My client- Commando Cody- has more than paid his debt to society by being trapped in a pathetic serial! ==== The Slime People (movie) ==== :''[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gregory]''': Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Answering Machine]''': Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal Johnson''': ''[after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss]'' Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People. :'''Crow''': ''[continuing as Cal]'' Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]'' :'''Gregory''': ''[towards Tolliver]'' Noone's home! Genius waits for no one! :'''Crow''': But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. : . . . :''[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]'' :'''Tolliver''': I… I've never seen anything like it! :'''Servo''': Even in [[w:Tijuana|Tijuana]]! : . . . :''[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]'' :'''Joel''': Lookit — they're all on their way to a [[w:George Romero|George Romero]] [[Dawn of the Dead|film]] festival! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]'' :'''Gregory''': Look at this. Blonde hair. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': At night. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': In a fog. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Slime People begin disintegrating once their force field has been destroyed]'' :'''Joel, Crow and Servo''': ''[as the Slime People]'' [[Richard III (play)|A horse, a horse; my kingdom for a- AAAGH!]] === [[w:Project Moonbase|Project Moonbase]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 7 (short) ==== :'''Joel''': ''[while Cody and Ted fly in an airplane to bomb the truck of Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Oh, great. [[James Bond|Double 00-Cody. You have a license to kill now, Mr. Cody]]? ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) ==== :''[the episode begins with the opening credits again, as Joel and the bots wearily sing along to the music]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're watching ''Commando Cody''; a not-so-new character from [[w:Republic Pictures|Republic]]. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing... . . . :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up... . . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- '''The Enemy Planet'''. ''[nervously laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen]'' By this time, my lungs were aching for air! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[role-playing as Krog on the bridge]'' Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a [[w:Piper J-3 Cub|Piper Cub]], and crash into [[w:Mount Vesuvius|Mt. Vesuvius]]! ... :'''Servo''': ''[roleplaying as Commando Cody]'' Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could- :'''Crow''': Ahhh, you're Servo; and Joel's holding you up. :'''Servo''': [[The Wizard of Oz|Pay no attention to the man holding me up]]. ==== Project Moonbase (movie) ==== :''[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers ''back'' to Brooklyn. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM]'' Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute. :'''Crow''': [[w:We Built This City|We built this city on Spacom]]! :'''Servo''': Instead of rock and roll? :'''Crow''': Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[of the brattily catty Colonel Briteis butting heads with amateur Commander Moore]'' :'''Servo''': Someone get that lady a saucer of milk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[Commander Moore and the imposter Dr. Wernher fight]'' Hands Down; the slap-happiest game of all! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[commenting on the surreal perspective of the movie's visual effects]'' Art design by [[w: M.C. Escher|M.C. Escher]]! === [[w:Robot Holocaust|Robot Holocaust]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 9 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[Cody's spaceship prepares to take off]'' [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]] pops the clutch, and tells the Moon to eat my dust! ==== Robot Holocaust (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[reading the actor credits]'' Andrew Howarth? :'''Crow''': Fine; ''howarth'' you? :'''Servo''': Classic! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]'' :'''Valeria''': You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? :'''Torque''': Yes! :'''Valeria''': Do you unduhstand, old man? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah! It's ''young girl'' I don't understand. :'''Valeria''': Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Jorn]''': Yeah. Do you know [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]? :'''Valeria''': Vewy well. Towque, go now. :'''Joel [as Jorn]''': Uh, what about [[w:Barbara Walters|Barbara Walters]], or, uh, [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]]? [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]'' :'''Narrator''': A dagger is placed into the ground— :'''Servo''': A voice-over is placed into the script. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him]'' :'''Valeria''': Dawk One, please... :'''The Dark One''': Torque, take her away from my sight! :'''Valeria''': No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to you! :'''Joel''': Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A severed head rolls past]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, it's a spare! :'''Crow''': Gutter head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Neo's robot sidekick, beating up one of the Dark One's henchmen with a metal pipe]'' That one's for [[w:R2-D2|Artoo-Detoo]], that one's for [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]]; that was for [[w:Julie Newmar|Julie Newmar]], and '''that''' one's just cuz I wanna! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Deeja; after seeing the mutated state of Jorn at the hands of the Dark One]'' Dad, you're a tulip bulb! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Jorn to Deeja]'' Honey, remember my torso? Well, it's chip dip now! === [[w:Moon Zero Two|Moon Zero Two]] === :''[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Hey it's in color! :'''Joel''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Really bad music already, this is great. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a ''Pink Panther'' movie? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like. :'''Servo''': Why would they use cartoons? :'''Joel''': Uh, so astronauts could understand them. :'''Servo''': ''[dubiously]'' Ah. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as one of the cartoon astronauts beats up the other in sync to the music]'' Whoa, they're beating the titles out of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]'' :'''Clementine''': He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport. :'''Capt. Kemp''': He's probably waiting at Moon City. :'''Clementine''': Mmm, that's what the man said. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Kemp]''': [[w:Listen to What the Man Said|Don't you listen to what the man says]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]'' :'''Korminski''': Yes, ''thees'' time, we ''can'' pay the bill, okay?! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Korminski/[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]]''': Hch-okay, Mee-ster [[Fawlty Towers|Fawlty]]! : . . . :''[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]'' :'''Hubbard''': That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? :'''Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]''': ''[annoyed]'' He's from Barcelona. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a scuffle starts to break out in a nightclub as Kemp turns off the facility's gravity as a diversion for him and Clementine to escape]'' :'''Capt. Kemp''': If we're gonna play, we play by '''''my''''' rules! :'''Crow''': Yeah; but nobody knows what '''your''' rules '''''are'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Kaboom!_(video_game)|Kaboom!]]'' would become ''Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!'' === [[w:Untamed Youth|Untamed Youth]] === :''[a young man is seen running from authorities during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as a police officer]'' After him! He's hiding behind those credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]'' :'''Crow [as Penny]''': Hey, who's the guy in the cage? :'''Servo [as Farmhand]''': Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind]'' :'''Joel''': What is it? :'''Servo''': It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a [[w:Sock hop|sock hop]] in their quarters.]'' :'''Joel''': That's the problem with today's youth. ''This'' is how their image of prison is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[Aida]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[telling his mother, the Judge, about the passing of a farmhand named "Baby"]'' That's the ''worst'' part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her ''name''. :'''Crow''': She shoulda died at [[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]] — then everyone woulda known her name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[exposing Russ]'' And that healthy food, that ''I'm'' paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew. :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, no. :'''Crow [as Cecilia]''': Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement. :'''Bob Steele''': ... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you? :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't! :'''Bob Steele''': He knows every move that's made. :'''Cecelia Steele Tropp''': Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious. :'''Servo [as Bob]''': When did you start calling him Russ? :'''Bob Steele''': Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop! :'''Joel [as Cecilia]''': It's not slop, it's ''Science Diet'' and it's very expensive, young man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny (blonde bombshell [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]]) performs a [[w:Calypso music|calypso]] song and dance, backed by male dancers.]'' :'''Penny''': Come on, boys, and carry my bananas! :'''Joel''': What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"? :'''Servo''': I don't wanna know. === [[w:The Black Scorpion (film)|The Black Scorpion]] === :''[Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]'' :'''Joel''': What happened to you? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion [[w:Walkman|Walkman]] and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened. ... :''[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Are you alright, Clay? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat]'' Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science. ... :''[much later after Joel reads audience letters]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I think the swelling is going down. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes; and '''I''' think you should file '''''this'''''. ''[hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more]'' Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]'' :'''Narrator''': … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! : . . . :'''Narrator''': … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]'' :'''Hank''': Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there. :'''Artur''': Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': ''[singing]'' Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep. :''[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]'' :'''Servo [as Artur]''': I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in ''water'' first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Bob Barker]'' What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop! :'''Servo''': ''[as Game Show Announcer]'' Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia! :'''Joel''': ''[adding a "prize disclaimer"]'' From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]'' :'''Hank''': … I found something a lot more interesting! :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! :'''Crow''': Only mounted. {{hnote|Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who ''was'' stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos]'' [[w:Crazy Eddie|It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]'' :'''Dr. Velazco''': But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— :'''Servo [as Velazco]''': We're small. We can run fast. :'''Dr. Velazco''': Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. :'''Crow [as Velazco]''': And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]'' :'''Crow [as Tour Guide]''': Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the ''right'' side of the train… :'''Servo [as Scorpion]''': Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just ''love'' trains. :''[The passengers flee the train.]'' :'''Joel [as Company Rep]''': Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens. == Season 2 == === [[w:Rocketship X-M|Rocketship X-M]] === :'''Lisa''': How do we stand on fuel now? :'''Crow''': I'm ''for'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster? :'''Joel''': Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester? :'''TV's Frank''': I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Astronaut]''': Well...that could have gone better. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tooter Turtle]''': Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Other Astronaut]''': Nonsense! :'''Servo [as King Arthur]''': Run away! Run away! :'''Joel [as Tooter Turtle]''': I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! :''[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]'' :'''Servo [as Shaggy]''': Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! :'''Crow [as Mr. Wizard]''': Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! :'''Servo [as Mr. Wizard]''': Time for zis vun to come home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people ''dying'' in a capsule. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah, why couldn't you just show us ''[[w:Marooned (film)|Marooned]]''? :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': We couldn't get it! === [[w:The Sidehackers|The Sidehackers]] === :''[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]'' :'''Joel''': This grass... It's... drugged! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]'' : '''Crow''': It was about that time the [[The Dukes of Hazzard|Duke boys]] decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Paisley''': Why can't I reach you? : '''Crow''': There's a ladder in the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''J.C.''': ''[after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious]'' I treated you like a brother! :'''Crow''': Not a good brother... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Big Jake''': He hit Big Jake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. {{hnote|This is in the edited version of the episode as it doesn't show the disturbing scene of Rita being raped and murdered due to the scene traumatizing the MST3K cast members during recording.}} === [[w:Jungle Goddess|Jungle Goddess]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': I forget who did what here. I say, "[[Latin proverbs#Kill them all|Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out.]]" ==== Jungle Goddess (movie) ==== :''[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'' [[w:George Reeves|George Reeves]]) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]'' :'''Mike''': Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Mike]''': Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. <hr width=50%/> :'''Greta''': Did you study your spelling last night? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': Uh, dog ate it. :'''Wunama''': Uh, yes, yes! :'''Greta''': Good. Let me hear you spell, uh... "beautiful." :'''Joel''': Let me hear you spell "patronize." :'''Wunama''': Beautiful... ah yes... :'''Crow [as Wunama]''': Will this be on the final? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': S-L-... :'''Wunama''': B-E... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': A-V... :'''Wunama''': ''[struggling]'' A... U... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': E-R-Y. :'''Wunama''': T... I-F-U-L. :''[the two girls giggle]'' :'''Greta''': That's wonderful! :'''Servo [as Greta]''': Okay, now spell antidisestablishmentarianism. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]'' :'''Bob''': No doubt about it. It's kronotite. :'''Mike''': Are you sure? :'''Bob''': I'd stake my life on it. :'''Crow''': That's already in the kitty, Bob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]'' :'''Bob''': ''[sarcastic]'' White goddess having trouble? :'''Crow''': White fascist getting smart? === [[w:Catalina Caper|Catalina Caper]] === :'''Bob Draper''': Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper. :'''Don Pringle''': Don Pringle. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Don]''': Heir to the [[w:Pringles|potato chip]] fortune. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Catalina ferry [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]'' :'''Crow''': Little Richard? I hate [[w:Rich Little|impressionists!]] :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Prince (artist)|Prince]], I hope you're watching this! :'''Joel''': I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! :'''Crow''': Little Richard: the one ''true'' talent in this film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katrina''': His name is Angelo. :'''Servo''': He's a [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]'' :'''Servo''': I feel a number coming on… :'''Carol Connors''': Hey, we better do something, and quick! :'''Various Cascades''': Yeah! Let's do something. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Gloria Estefan|Gloria Estefan]] and the Catalina [[w:deus ex machina|Deus Ex]] [[w:Gloria Estefan#1984-1988: The Miami Sound Machine|Sound Machina]]! === [[w:Rocket Attack U.S.A.|Rocket Attack U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== ==== Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? ''[Servo buzzes in]'' Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! :'''Servo''': Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? :'''Joel''': Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' DUCK AND COVER! :'''Joel''': Is right for five points. <hr width="50%"/> :''[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]'' :'''Manston''': Hard to believe that a group of ''civilized'' men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others. :'''Joel [as Manston]''': That's why we've ''got'' to ''crush'' them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]'' :'''General''': If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': You mean an [[w:Ronald_Reagan|actor becoming President]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Watkins answers his phone.]'' :'''General''': Hello? :'''Joel [as voice on other end]''': Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? :'''General''': Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park]'' [[Psycho (1960 film)#Taglines|Nobody will be admitted]] during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]'' :'''Manston''': Did Lars give you the TNT? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tanya]''': He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York has just been nuked.]'' :'''Crow''': It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The very first ''MST3K'' "stinger"]'' :'''Blind Guy''': Help me. === [[w:Ring of Terror|Ring of Terror]] === ==== Ring of Terror (movie) ==== :''[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Moffitt]''': Aw, she's the [[wikt:ginchy|ginchiest]]. Life ''does'' begin at 40. :''[He puts on a sweater.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffitt]''': Let's see… ''[groans]'' …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Moffitt/Old Man]''': I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey… <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]'' :'''Crow''': I'm a lamp. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Rayburn''': However strong we may feel... :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Our bones are very brittle. :'''Professor Rayburn''': ... some of us cannot overcome certain inner emotions. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Like love. :'''Professor Rayburn''': When we view an autopsy of this kind, let me say to you to feel free to leave the class. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To do the technicolor yarn. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': To blow chow. :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': To chuck the chow on the white porcelain throne. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To summon the earl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during an autopsy]'' :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Now earlier today, I baked a corpse at 425 degrees. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Then we follow with an abdominal incision... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': And a light lemon-chiffon sauce with shallots. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have now exposed the gastrovascular cavity... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Which should be stuffed with a sage dressing. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have cut through the epidermis, and you see this yellow mass. That's the fatty tissue... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': Which should be whipped into stiff peaks. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Well, it's not very pleasant to look at, I must admit... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': But with rice, and the correct seasoning, you've got a ''wonderful'' meal. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Mr. John Doe has rendered posthumously a great service to medical science. :'''Servo''': What are showman, ladies and gentlemen! He gave his all! :'''Professor Rayburn''': Now he will be transferred to the general mausoleum of the Raven Hills Cemetery... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Where we'll meet for bars and punch. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Where he will be stored for about a week in the receiving vault. :'''Servo''': These are the battered faces of men in their 40s. :'''Professor Rayburn''': He will probably be buried there in Potter's Field. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': You've been a wonderful audience! Enjoy the buffet! ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :''[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': It's called a [[w:rubiks cube|Rubiks Cube]]. Don't screw it up! === [[w:Wild Rebels|Wild Rebels]] === :''[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an [[w:syrup_of_ipecac|ipecac]]. :'''Joel''': An epa— oh, that [[w:Abacab|Genesis album]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeeter (the biker leader) watches as fellow biker Banjo jealously observes someone flirting with Linda]'' :'''Jeeter''': Can you boys believe it; Banjo's in love. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jeeter]'' Okay, would you believe- mildly infatuated? H-how about a school-girl crush? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:The Road Not Taken|Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Adman]''': You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's [[w:Miller Brewing|Miller Time]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Banjo]''': Not this way, man, my mom will see me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, look! [[w:Erik Estrada|Erik Estrada]]! === [[w:Lost Continent (1951 film)|Lost Continent]] === :''[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, look! A [[w:V-2|V-2]]! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': Aw, I could've had a [[w:V8 (beverage)|V8]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]'' :'''Nolan''': Aren't you coming with us? :'''Native Girl''': ''[nervously]'' Nooo! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Native Girl]''': Me no got lead sarong. :'''Native Girl''': Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Native Girl]''': Besides, you guys not see woman in long time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Come on, '''''God, why, why, why?!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Servo''': This is-this is a madhouse, '''''a madhouse!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Joel''': Ugh, I never knew ''mountain time'' was so slow. :'''Servo''': Please. :'''Lt. Danny Wilson''': Stay with me, baby. :'''Crow''': Come on, "stay with me, baby", ''is that all you can say?!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? ''[pause]'' '''WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? ''PLEASE!!!''''' === [[w:The Hellcats|The Hellcats]] === : '''Biker''': ''[to Ross Hagen]'' Where ya from? : '''Servo''': ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000#The Sidehackers|Sidehackers]]''. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Artist''': ''[Stumbling around drunk and high]'' Roses are green. Violets are red...' : '''Joel [as Artist]''': I like to shoot heroin straight into my head. === [[w:King Dinosaur|King Dinosaur]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake]'' I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist! :'''Crow''': ''[while the SOL crew laugh]'' Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn). :'''Joel''': This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. ''[pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench]'' Works every time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]'' :'''Servo''': It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine. :'''Joel''': Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow''': Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more. :'''Joel''': That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. ''[as Joey]'' You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me! :'''Servo''': Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine. :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey, hitting Servo]'' Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way. ... :'''Servo''': L is for "Lemur"... :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' L is for Lemur- 'nuff said! :'''Crow''': E is for "eat". :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure! :'''Crow''': M is for "monkey"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show! :'''Servo''': U is for "unusual"... :'''Crow''': ...and "unpredictable"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on [[Johnny Carson]]'s sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go! :'''Servo''': ''[uneasy]'' Uh, R is for "radical"... :'''Crow''': ...and "rambunctious"! ''[immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur! :'''Crow''': Friend to all mankind! ==== X Marks the Spot (short) ==== :''[title card features a large ''X'', with ''Marks the Spot'' fading in atop it.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Marks the Spot''? Is that like ''[[w:Mack the Knife|Mack the Knife]]''? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]'' :'''Commissioner Magee''': The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Magee]''': If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. :'''Commissioner Magee''': We kill… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Sounds like Commissioner Fudd. :'''Commissioner Magee''': …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on! : . . . :'''Servo [as Magee/[[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]]''': You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene fades to an intersection]'' :'''Narrator''': Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Called "Blood Alley." :'''Narrator''': No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': It made you feel happy. :''[Scene pans to a car approaching]'' :'''Narrator''': Here comes someone from one direction and... :''[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]'' :'''Narrator''': ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe! :''[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]'' :'''Servo''': Well, I guess ''he'' can't be a witness... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel appears before Joe's spirit]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe's Angel]'' [[It's a Wonderful Life|Are you George Bailey? Sorry; wrong film.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[in Heaven's Traffic Court, the judge (presumably God) is filing over paperwork while Joe's Angel attempts to get his attention]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Judge]'' Dear Diary... it's hard being God. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Angel''': ''[while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court]'' I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Angel]'' But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel prepares to divulge more about Joe as a driver before he's interrupted by the sound of a car crash]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Hang on, you'll want to see this. :'''Servo''': ''[as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents]'' And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey... :''[Joe sees this and looks forelorn as it starts to sink in how badly he acted as a motorist]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe]'' I'm so ashamed. :'''Joel''': ''[the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim]'' Looks like [[w:Richard Nixon|Nixon's]] enemy list. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge]'' Hurts, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': ''[addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver]'' Incidentally, was there any traffic law he '''didn't''' violate? :'''Joe''': Oh; I never hit-and-run. :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Well, ''that'' changes everything! :'''Judge''': If you did, then you'd be booked in- ''[clears throat]'' :'''Servo''': In phlegm? :'''Judge''': -in a ''lower court''. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Judge''': You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse '''you''' of it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge, muttering]'' Never hit and run; why I oughta- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver... :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Now how is he as a cocktail waitress! :'''Judge''': ...how is he as a pedestrian? :'''Angel''': Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he '''''knew''''' he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze. :'''Servo''': ''[as Angel]'' Squeaking, and calling himself [[w:Flowers for Algernon|Algernon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[musing to himself over the Judge's closing statement in the short- "Are you qualified to pass judgement on Joe?"]'' Qualified? Hm, what a question. Me- Crow T. Robot- am I qualified? That's a heavy burden. I'm just a simple bot, alone as it were in the vast universe... thing. Could I make a difference? '''''Can I''''' make a difference? . . . :'''Crow''': Hey, Cambot; bring the screen in a little, and play that moody music. ''[jaunty contemplative music plays]'' What would Joel do in a situation like this? Ah, no- no, I've got to learn to think for myself; to stand on my own two foot-like appendages. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by God, I '''can''' do it! Why I... I could start a letter writing campaign, or I could organize a bake sale. Hey... ''[adressing the viewers]'' We can all help! C'mon friends, run to your window and shout "I'm really cheesed, and I'm not just gonna wait around 'til things get better"! Go do guerilla theater in the food court of your mall; or dress a little differently, make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Here's an idea, toss some Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and cover the sordid biographical details of your warped adolescense and '''''then''''' watch the grant money come in; but don't snap-judge me. . . . :'''Crow''': ''[continuing]'' Parade up and down the streets in your underwear! Impose your ideals on others- it's easy; crush someone with an emotional word or enigmatic look. You decide, '''you''' do it... I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision; I'm no good at this sort of thing! It's up to you. I'm passing the buck to '''you'''. And now we've got Commercial Sign. ''[as he calms himself down and the music fades out]'' Oh, the pain, the pain... ''[sighs]'' ==== King Dinosaur (movie) ==== :''[the movie begins with a credit for producer [[w:Robert L. Lippert|Robert Lippert]], who the SOL crew are more than familiar with at this point]'' :'''Servo''': Lippert? Oh, yikes! :'''Joel''': [[w:Rocketship X-M|Mars is extending us a welcome!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Jungle Goddess|French-fried potatoes!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova]'' If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. ''[Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully]'' On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City. :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Gordon]'' I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word. :'''Narrator''': ''[cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation]'' The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet. :'''Servo''': Yes, it's not very polite. :'''Narrator''': Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas. :'''Joel''': And she's cute too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as bizarre sounding horn music plays during the opening scenes]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa; is [[w:Bozo's Circus|Cookie the Clown]] on the premises again? . . . :'''Joel''': ''[smoke pours from the rocket]'' A new Pope is selected; it's Cookie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the rocket ship is slowly landing on the planet Nova]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as [[John F. Kennedy]] ]'' I believe by the end of this decade, we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet. Ask not what a processed shot can do for you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Ralph Martin and Patricia Bennett record their test results and superimposed footage is shown over a tape recorder]'' :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova show the indications of microscopic life not unlike that found on Earth. However, approximately 40% of the bacteria... :'''Crow''': Was superimposed. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...was completely unfamiliar. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Tests for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10% above normal background count... :'''Crow''': Joel, I'm tripping! :'''Joel''': No, it's just a photo-processed... :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': ...less than a tolerable percentage. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Temperature... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': [[w:Watergate scandal|Expletive deleted.]] [[w:Nixon White Hoise tapes|18 minutes was deleted from this tape.]] [[w:Richard Nixon|I am not a crook.]] :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': Or any good at all... :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...it does substantiate however that human and animal life as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere and environment of Planet Nova. :'''Joel''': The end. :'''Crow''': Aw, they taped over the [[w:The Beatles in Hamburg|Beatles Berlin]] tapes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What time would you say it is? :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Uh, it's time to kill something. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': ''[looking at a flock of birds]'' I'd say it's about three o'clock Earth time here. :'''Servo [as Richard]''': Judging by those birds. :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': ...we don't know how many hours there are on the daily cycle here. You know, this place could move around faster than our Earth. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Well let's figure for three o'clock anyway. That's gives us about three or four hours before dark. :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Besides, I've decided I'm the new God of this planet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists sees a superimposed wasp descend upon their campsite]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as scientist/Martin Brody]'' [[Jaws (film)|I'm gonna get a bigger shoe. We're gonna get a bigger shoe, right?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Nora and Richard come upon a barren part of the mysterious island]'' :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What a desolate, forsaken place. :'''Crow''': What a stilted, pretentious line. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while the scientists attempt to flee from a <s>iguana</s> dinosaur with their <s>kinkajou</s> lemur in tow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to the "dinosaur"]'' Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey? :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' '''No'''!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" <s>iguana</s> [[w:T. rex|T. rex]].]'' :'''Dr. Bennett''': Oh Ralph, what is it?! :'''Crow''': ''[yelling]'' It's an iguana, now shut up! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': ''[as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation]'' Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb. :'''Joel''': ''[in a sing-song voice]'' Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the atomic explosion kills all the prehistoric beasts on the island]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? They'd never surrender. It was right for us to blow them up. :'''Crow [as the kinkajou]''': Thanks for annihilating everything I know! :'''Servo''': You know, they're only two miles from the blast, aren't they gonna get vaporized? :'''Crow''': Hope so. Well it's an atomic bomb-lite actually. One third as destructive as our other bomb. :'''Servo''': Ohhhh... Well, score one for Earth. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Well, we've done it. :'''Joel [as Ralph]''': Not a word of this gets out to the people of Earth, alright? :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': We sure have done it. We brought civilization to planet Nova. :'''Crow''': Ha! Was that irony? This late in the film. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Let's go home. :'''Joel''': Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids. :'''Crow''': Hey, there's a certain glow about June. It's... never mind. :'''Servo''': And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery death in the sky, they went home. === [[w:The Silent Star|First Spaceship on Venus]] === :''[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]'' :'''Brinkman''': Sumiko! :'''Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]''': I will as soon my lawyer gets here. :'''Sumiko''': Brinkman! ''[An uneasy moment passes.]'' Have I changed that much? :'''Joel [as Brinkman]''': Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brinkman]''': Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, [[w:The Blob|Blob]]-like slick chasing them.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, where's [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]] when you need him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? === [[w:Godzilla vs. Megalon|Godzilla vs. Megalon]] === :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]'' :'''Goro''': Hey! The rocket! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[Snorts]'' Rockets! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': On a picnic? : . . . :'''Rokuro''': Help me! Hurry up! :'''Joel''': Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! : . . . :''[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]'' :'''Servo''': Guess a rocket ''is'' standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Yep! :'''Crow [as Picnicker]''': Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]'' :'''Jinkawa''': ''[to Goro]'' Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot! :'''Joel [as Goro]''': Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]'' :'''Crow [as a Narrator]''': Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! [[w:Maniac (song)|He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...]] :. . . :''[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]'' :'''Joel''': They've just created [[w:Jennifer Beals|Jennifer Beals]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]'' :'''Joel [as Capt. Willard]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]'' :'''Goro''': Isn't that Jet Jaguar there? :'''Servo''': ''[Sarcastically]'' No, it's another superhero of your own design! :'''Goro''': They're controlling him. :'''Rok-san''': It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! :'''Crow''': Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission? :'''Joel''': Um, no. :'''Servo''': Not ''this'' kid. :. . . :'''Servo [as Jinkawa]''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]'' :'''Servo''': I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys... :. . . :'''Crow''': He's got a foreign object! :'''Servo''': He ''is'' a foreign object! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]'' :'''Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]''': [[w:They Live|I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]'' :'''Crow [as Megalon/[[w:General Zod|General Zod]]]''': You ''will'' bow down before me, Jet Jaguar! :'''Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]''': Do you expect me to ''talk''? :'''Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]''': No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to ''die''! :'''Servo''': Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]'' :'''Servo [as Megalon]''': Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]'' :'''Servo [as Sportscaster]''': Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]'' :'''Rok-san''': Godzilla! Bye-bye! :'''Servo [as Goro]''': Thanks for leveling our country! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]'' :'''Goro''': ''[Into medallion]'' Jet Jaguar! Let's go home! :''[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]'' :'''Crow [as Jet Jaguar]''': Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a badly translated version of the Jet Jaguar theme]'' :'''Singer''': ''[subtitles]'' ''He jock it made of steel'' : ''Eats sushi from a pail'' : ''Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!'' : ''He mother never really love him'' : ''He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity'' : ''He dickey covers up an Adams Apple the size of a Toyota'' : ''He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock'' : ''Knock! Knock! Knock!'' : ''Who's there?'' : ''His head looks like Jack Nicholson'' : ''Don't smile like that, it will stay that way'' : ''YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH!'' === [[w:Ebirah, Horror of the Deep|Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster]] === :''[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Godzilla]''': Hey! Whadda ya think I am, [[w:Tippi Hedren|Tippi]] [[w:The Birds (film)|Hedren]]? Get outta here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.{{hnote|A reference to the ''National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue'', the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, ''The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life'', with many Bond girls.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:kebab|Kabob]] and Ka-Steve! == Season 3 == === [[w:Ator 2 - L'invincibile Orion|Cave Dwellers]] === :''[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': How much Keefe is in this movie? :'''Servo''': Oh, ''Miles O' Keefe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ator''': Man's destiny is predetermined. :'''Joel''': Oh, he's a [[w:Calvinism|Calvinist]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]'' :'''Servo [as one of the villains]''': You idiot, we don't even have a [[w:deer hunting|doe license]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]'' :'''Joel [as Mila]''': Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw. :'''Servo [as Mila]''': What would [[w:MacGyver|MacGyver]] do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, you mean the '80s. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': He never killed, uh, that big a ''puppet'' before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! :'''Servo''': Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we ''finally'' have our first plot point! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire ''villains'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': ...what? :''[Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... folks, we have snakes ''growling'' here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's not slimy at all! :'''Servo''': That's 'cause it's made out of velour. : . . . :'''Servo''': Just cut the wires, Ator! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, come ''on''. :'''Crow''': What the…?! :'''Servo''': ''[laughs]'' :'''Joel''': Terrific. ''[childlike voice]'' [[w:The Pee-wee Herman Show|I'm the luckiest boy in the world!]] [[w:John Gillespie Magee, Jr.|I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!]] :'''Servo''': This is a ''little'' ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? ''[…]'' learned aerodynamics… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Message for you, sir!]]'' Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. :'''Joel''': Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, he's landing in the [[w:outback|outback]] now. :''[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh— huh? :'''Joel''': How'd he do that? :'''Servo [as Ator]''': How'd I do that? :''[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]'' :'''Joel''': Well, I s'pose he's got a [[w:tank|tank]] in the courtyard, now. :'''Crow''': Yeah, and it's made out of [[w:Gilligan's Island|coconuts]]. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :''[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gamera]''': Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound. :'''Servo''': ''[defensive]'' Shut up! It's not funny. ''[Scoffs]'' :'''Kenny''': ''[looking for his turtle]'' You there? :'''Servo''': ''[beginning to get a little sad]'' Oh Tibby... :'''Kenny''': Tibby? :'''Crow''': [[w:To Be, or Not to Be|...or not Tibby]]. :'''Servo''': It's not- Stop it! Shut up! :'''Kenny''': Tibby! :'''Crow [as Kenny]''': Tibby! Tibby! ''SQUISH!'' Aww, Tibby! :'''Servo''': ''[getting more emotional]'' That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! :'''Kenny''': Tibby??? Tibby! :'''Joel''': What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom. :'''Servo''': ''[gets up and begins to walk away]'' I'm leaving! I ha- ''[sobbing]'' I can't take this, this is terrible! :'''Joel''': Come on back, come on. :'''Servo''': ''[returning to his seat]'' Will you stop with the jokes? :'''Joel''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]'' :'''Kenny''': Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Murase]''': Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! :'''Dr. Murase''': Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. :'''General''': Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Murase]''': Because Kenny ''said'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]'' :'''Newsman''': There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers... :'''Crow [as Newsman]''': ... and Kenny... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Murase''': Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. :'''Servo''': More Gamera movies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]'' :'''Announcer''': The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Kenny, however, is free to move about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is lured to the missile, trapped in a large capsule, and launched into space]'' :'''Servo''': Uhh... :'''Crow''': Hey, Joel, remind you of anything? :'''Joel''': ''[rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it]'' Yeah, it reminds me of ''this!'' :'''Crow''': Ah! Hey! Cut it out. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[singing]'' In the not too distant future- ''[Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away]'' :'''Crow''': Ha ha! :'''Servo''': You could get sued for that kind of thing. :'''Joel''': I'm gonna sue ''you'' for using that song. === [[w:Extra Terrestrial Visitors|Pod People]] === :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] karaoke machine]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "[[w:I Want to Know What Love Is|I Want to Know What Love Is]]" by Foreigner? :'''TV's Frank''': People vomit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Your movie today is ''Pod People''. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has ''everything'' to do with hurting! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:It was a dark and stormy night|It was a dark and stormy night]]. I'd taken a creative writing course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]'' :'''Hunter #1''': What the hell is that? :'''Hunter #2''': I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear! :'''Crow''': A ''[[w:pear|pear]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, what is he, an ''[[w:Los_Angeles_riots_of_1992|L.A. Cop]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]'' :'''Rick''': It stinks! {{hnote|The movie was filmed in Spain, where the okay sign is given to indicate something is worthless, or zero.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell. :'''Crow''': Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? :'''Joel [as Adman]''': It's because of [[w:Smuckers|Smuckers]] raspberry preserves. :'''Crow''': And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]'' :'''Servo''': Syntho-birds. :'''Crow''': Hey, it's a [[w:Casio|Casio]] forest. :'''Joel''': They parked next to a data stream. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]'' :'''Joel [as Tommy]''': Hey, what gives? [[w:Carton#Faces of missing children|''I'm'' on the milk carton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy''': You know what "play" means, Trumpy? :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': Yes, it's where I break you in half. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]'' :'''Tommy''': You see? The pieces go together. :'''Joel''': Oh, if only this ''film'' were so lucky. <hr width="50%"/> :''[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]'' :'''Joel''': They got ''[[w:Wild Kingdom|Wild Kingdom]]'' on the telescope. : . . . :'''Tommy''': You can do ''magic'' things! :''[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]'' :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': It's called "evil", kid. :'''Servo''': Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm? :'''Joel''': He's got [[w:Bette Davis Eyes|Bette Davis eyes]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]] eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]'' :'''Crow [as Molly]''': Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, in another movie? ''[sighs]'' Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy's mother''': Tommy, can you hear me? :'''Joel [as Tommy's mother]''': [[w:Tommy (album)|Can you feel me near you?]] <hr width=''50%"/> (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly) :'''Joel''': I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works! :'''Servo''': I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams) : . . . :'''Joel''': ''Oh, we've got commercial sign!!'' <hr width=''50%"/> :''[Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:]'' :'''Servo''': Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists. :''[Later:]'' :'''Servo''': First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with ''Whispering Firestorm.'' Then it's Yanni with ''SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar.'' Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his ''[[w:Sominex|Sominex]] Suite in B-flat.'' Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :''[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Bible#death-sting|Death, where is thy sting?]] We're ''waiting''. === [[w:The Stranger (1973 film)|Stranded in Space]] === === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :'''Gypsy''': I thought I told you kids not to play ball in the house! :''[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Caroline]''': My piece of wood! It died so that we might live. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]'' :'''Crow [as Officer]''': About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Caroline''': Catherine, I'm scared! :'''Catherine''': Don't worry, we're with you. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We're doomed, but with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]'' :'''Catherine''': Hurry, this way! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, like you know where you're going! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! === [[w:Daddy-O (film)|Daddy-O]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[offscreen, towards Frank while the button to end the experiment is broken]'' Frank, what are you doing? :'''TV's Frank''': I was just getting a- uh, piece of water. :'''Dr. Forrester''': A piece of water? :'''TV's Frank''': I mean a glass of- cake... I mean- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Come here. ''[drags Frank over to the button by the ear and forces him to hold the button down; the credits start only to cut back to Deep 13, with the two working on the computer board]'' Well that's it, Frank; we're licked. :'''TV's Frank''': Dr. Forrester, I've known you to be many things, but not a quitter. Are you going to give up? Live, damn it; LIVE! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I remember now; alt function seven. ''[presses an alternate button and the credits finally roll properly]'' ==== Alphabet Antics (short) ==== :''[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]'' :'''Servo''': D is for damned, as in "[[w:Village Of The Damned|Village Of]]". :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as dancing boy/Hitler]''': You vill dance with me, Eva! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]'' :'''Servo [as giraffe]''': I want a Clark bar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]'' :'''Joel''': I is for Ike. He hides inside. <hr width="50%"/> :''[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]'' :'''Joel''': Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. :. . . :''[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]'' :'''Joel''': And there's Elvis now. :. . . :''[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[before the narrator can talk]'' N is for float... huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, and there's Louie Anderson. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': O is for once... :'''Servo''': "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? :. . . :''[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]'' :'''Servo''': O is for the obscene treatment of animals. :. . . :'''Joel''': P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': P is for plagiarism from [[w:Ogden Nash|Ogden Nash]]! {{hnote|The narrator's line is lifted from ''The Pelican'', a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, these are all boys! :. . . :'''Joel''': Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': U is for upchuck that comes from below. ''[imiates vomiting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': X is for Xmas... :'''Servo''': X is for existential dilemma. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Yeah, well, Y is for [[w:Yanni|Yanni]], as far as I'm concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]'' :'''Joel''': Y is the chemical symbol for [[w:yttrium|heavy metals]] that the fish is full of! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. ==== Daddy-O (movie) ==== :''[Upon seeing title of movie]'' :'''Crow''': Daddy-O! :'''Servo''': Must be [[W:Harry O|Harry O]]'s father. Or [[w:Wendy O. Williams|Wendy O.]]'s dad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]'' :'''Joel [as Chillas]''': Let's eat some butter. ''Gobs'' of butter. Big handfuls! :''[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]'' :'''Phil''': What's this? :'''Servo [as Chillas]''': It's made of butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information]'' :'''Man in Hat''': Anything new to tell me? :'''Servo [as Phil]''': ''[straining]'' [[Citizen Kane|Rosebud]], was a sled. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, bless you. :''[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[startled]'' Was ''he'' mooing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Photographer''': ''[trying to get Eiichi's attention]'' Hey, Boy! Boy! :'''Joel''': [[w:West Side Story|Crazy Boy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to this week's edition of ''[[w:Meet the Press|Eat the Press]]''. === [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|The Amazing Colossal Man]] === :''[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in Irish accent]'' Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[in old lady voice]'' Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn''': All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. :'''Glenn''': ''I don't want to grow anymore!'' :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': ''I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :''[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in ''well'' over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… ''horribly'' old. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the title sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Sandy Frank presents our own personal ''hell!'' :'''Servo''': Indeed. :'''Joel''': Who ''is'' that guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the film opens with an invasion fleet over a planet]'' :'''Crow''': Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of ''[[w:Star Trek (The Original Series)|Star Trek]]'', the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of- :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like the star raider the [[w:Dalek|Daleks]] had in the [[w:The Doctor|fifth generation]] of the ''[[w:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]'', when they had [[w:The Three Doctors (Doctor Who)|the three Doctors together]], and they had the one that looked like Mo- :'''Crow''': No, it's definitely like a [[w:Klingons|Klingon]]! :'''Joel''': Okay, that's good... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the fleet attacks a city]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is super cool, like that [[w:Saga of a Star World|first episode]] of ''[[w: Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' when they have to leave the planet, and [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] got stabbed in the back! :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like ''Invasion Earth''- it's like ''Invasion Earth'' and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they- :'''Crow''': Nuh-uh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a big list of writers are appears]'' :'''Crow''': Why do they need so many writers? :'''Servo''': Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flips through the air during the beginning attack]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance. :'''Crow''': Hey, you're starting to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flees, after accidentally killing his own soldier]'' :'''Crow''': Just like that episode, where it was like the [[w:Patterns of Force (Star Trek: The Original Series)|Nazi world]] on ''Star Trek''. :'''Servo''': No no no, it was like ''Doctor Who'', when [[w:Tom Baker|Tom Baker]] was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters. :'''Joel''': That's enough. :'''Crow''': No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament. :'''Servo''': No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': I don't wanna die in the middle of nowhere! :'''Joel [as Ken]''': I wanna die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken is rescued by the crew of the ''Bacchus 3'']'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I remember this. This is just like in ''[[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Marooned]]'', when [[w:David Janssen|David Janssen]] goes to save [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] and [[w:James Franciscus|James Franciscus]] in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet... :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's pretty cool. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: This is the song written for the train chase. :: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! :: He tried to kill me with a forklift… :: Olé! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': There's the ship... but how do I get aboard? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels? :'''Crow [as Rocky]''': ''[defensively]'' THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the crew of Bacchus 3 discusses what to do about Ken, while Captain Joe drinks from a flask]'' :'''Rocky''': Captain, anyone can make a mistake, just as long as you don't keep on repeating it. I think we should get rid of Ken. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Which one? :'''Tammy''': I disagree. Have you already forgotten? Ken saved our lives! I think he deserves another chance. Don't you agree? :'''Rocky''': Okay. :'''Joel''': Man of firm convictions... :'''Rocky''': I guess you're right. I'll take him back on one condition... :'''Joel [as Rocky]''': You stop drinking, and start going to meetings. === [[w:It Conquered the World|It Conquered the World]] === ==== Snow Thrills (short) ==== : ''[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]'' :'''Servo''': Boy, all this just to talk to [[w:Jim McKay|Jim McKay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]'' :'''Narrator''': ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! :'''Joel''': Yeah, well, you're full of skit. :. . . :''[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]'' :'''Tom''': Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. ==== It Conquered the World (movie) ==== :''[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson ([[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]]) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. :'''Servo [as Tom Anderson]''': Then gimme back my cocktail. :'''Tom Anderson''': It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me. :'''Crow [as Tom Anderson]''': Bitter? Oh, a ''tad''. : . . . :''[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]'' :'''Joan Nelson''': A personal ''friend'' of yours? :'''Servo [as Joan]''': Name dropper! :'''Claire Anderson''': ''[sarcastically]'' Real chums. :'''Tom Anderson''': The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. :'''Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]''': [[Superman II#General Zod|You will bow down before me!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul Nelson ([[w:Peter Graves (actor)|Peter Graves]]) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[The movie credits show: &copy; MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the Nestl&eacute;'s jingle]'' M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' Movies — NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a scene with very poor dubbing]'' :'''Dr. Shiga''': There's no... :'''Servo [as Dr. Shiga]''': Business like... show business. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... air or water on the moon... so no living thing inhabits it. As you know for sure. :'''Servo''': Uh-huh. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Joel and Servo''': Yeah? Uh-huh? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... there are... :'''Servo''': Go on. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. Go on. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... no rivers on Mars. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Crow''': Yes. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And on Venus... :'''Joel''': Yeah? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... it has several hundred degrees centigrade. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. :'''Servo''': It does. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Servo''': Yes? :'''Joel''': Go on? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... the surface of... Jupiter is covered with... :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' '''SUM. UP.''' :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... frozen ammonia. :'''Joel''': You got a little uh... :'''Dr. Shiga''': Saturn... is also... :'''Joel''': Mhmm? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ...the same. :'''Servo''': Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the film's score]'' Let's watch the kids go to their fates / They'll disappear into the woods / It will be days before they're found / Cornjob will be blamed. :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Why must we sing this stupid song? / It's getting really a-nnoying / We apologize for its le-ength... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': We are filled with shame. :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Now back to our '''show.''' :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]'' :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An establishing shot of [[w:Gaos|Gaos]]]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Come Together|Here comes old flattop...]] :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' Don't! [[George Harrison]] will sue you! :'''Joel''': Oops, sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the battle between Gaos and Guiron; Gaos attempts to use a beam attack, which Guiron deflects back to Gaos' leg, dismembering Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': He's got a leg up on him now. :''[Joel and Servo groan]'' :'''Servo''': Crow! :'''Crow''': I know. :... :''[Guiron leaps up at Gaos while they are in flight, slicing off one of Gaos' wings, causing them to crash]'' :'''Crow''': Hi-keeba! I'd give my right arm to beat that guy. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''Crow''': He's flying on a limb and a prayer, you might say. :'''Servo''': Grrr! :'''Crow''': He's going out on a limb! He's winging it! :'''Servo''': Do something, Joel! Do something! :''[Joel begins shaking Crow, threatening to tear an arm off while he laughs]'' :'''Joel''': I'm just gonna leave that there... :'''Servo''': ''[watching Gaos' wings twitch]'' Hey look, buffalo wings, guys- ''[realizes]'' Don't hurt me. :... :''[Guiron decapitates Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': Quit while you're ahead! :''[Servo groans and Joel shakes Crow some more]'' :'''Crow''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry- ahhh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Akio''': ''[as he and Tom meet the two space-girls]'' Please tell me, what star are we on? :'''Joel [as Akio]''': What's the drinking age? :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''. :'''Tom''': How far are we from the Earth? :'''Space Girl''': We call this star, Terra... :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''! :'''Space Girl''': It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living. Exactly like the Earth with the sun between, same size and moving like the Earth. :'''Akio''': So you mean to tell us that it's like a twin star, then? :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' It's a ''PLANET.'' :'''Tom''': I wondered if there was such a star. :'''Servo''': It's a '''''PLANET!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]'' :'''Joel [as Space Girl]''': Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]'' :'''Akio''': Hey, what happened to my hair? :'''Tom''': The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! :'''Joel [as Akio]''': They '''''ate''''' my hair? :''[this particular joke was improvised by [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh's Servo]] in [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Gamera vs. Guiron|the original KTMA episode]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tomoko''': Akio and Tom went on a spaceship, mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Don't tell me such a silly story like Akio and Tom. :'''Tomoko''': It's true! We found a spaceship near the river, and they went inside. It lit up suddenly, and- :'''Akio's Mother''': I see. Akio's up to something again. :'''Joel [as Akio's Mother]''': No more sugar for you. :'''Tomoko''': Please tell me something. Don't you believe in spaceships, and spacemen, you know? :'''Akio's Mother''': No I don't. :'''Tomoko''': But, the paper said a lot of people saw flying saucers. Don't you know it? :'''Akio's Mother''': They are all made up stories! :'''Tomoko''': But mother- :'''Crow [as Akio's Mother]''': I'm not your mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Stop it! Study, or you cannot enter a ''good'' school. :'''Servo [as Akio's Mother]''': Mommy's just... mad 'cause she doesn't know... phonics. :'''Crow [as Tomoko]''': I'll show her! [[w:Yoko Ono|I'm gonna grow up to break up]] [[The Beatles]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[in psychotic child voice]'' When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]'' :'''Tom's Mother''': Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. :'''Crow''': It's Vanessa Redgrave! :''[Aiko's mother approaches]'' :'''Aiko's Mother''': Hello Elsa... :'''Servo''': Hello, Inga. :'''Tom's Mother''': Hello, thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...thank you again. :'''Servo''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Tom's Mother''': I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': No, and there's no use to ask her... :''[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]'' :'''Servo [as Tomoko]''': I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...you said space? :'''Aiko's Mother''': Yeah. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up. :'''Servo''': Hahahaha... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Hello! :'''Crow''': That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...please drop in for tea. :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. :'''Aiko's Mother''': I see... :'''Servo''': Thank you. :'''Crow''': Bye. :'''Joel''': Hello, and thank you! :''[Tom's mother gets in her car]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for going. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello! :''[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]''': Shut up and keep driving! And thank you! :'''Tomoko''': Hello! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Hello! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]'' :'''Tomoko''': Kon-chan? :'''Officer Kondo''': Heh? What? :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[whispers]'' They will all die by Gamera's hand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! === [[w:Earth vs. the Spider|Earth vs. the Spider]] === ==== Speech: Using Your Voice (short) ==== :'''Professor Bueller''': Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...or an arm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]'' :'''Professor Bueller''': Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing. :'''Servo [as Bueller]''': Oh, and you must have a wire rack. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Do you know... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]'' :'''Man #1''': Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well... :'''Crow [as Man #1]''': Uh... er... panties! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]'' :'''Bueller''': Now, let's look at another typical example. :''[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]'' :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now ''he'' is pleasing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]'' :'''Man #2''': Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when... :'''Crow [as Man #2]''': Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... :'''Man #2''': I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and... :'''Servo''': Ah, [[Garrison Keillor]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do... :'''Joel [as Bueller]''': ...will wish he were dead. ==== Earth vs. the Spider (movie) ==== :'''Carol Flynn''': I know something's happened to him. :'''Mike Simpson''': Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that? :'''Servo [as Carol]''': Oh, that's just a dead fa- a '''DEAD FATHER???''' Oh nooo! ''[Sobbing]'' :'''Crow [as Carol]''': Oh my God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': No, [[w:Doctor Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Erhardt]], no! So ''that's'' what happened to him! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Erhardt]''': Enjoy! {{hnote|The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel mentions [[w:KISS_%28band%29|KISS]]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were '''NEVER''' cool! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]'' :'''Crow''': It's Rose Kennedy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|"What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"]] :'''Servo''': Cool! :'''Mike's Father''': Mike, you're wanted on the phone. :'''Crow [as Mike's Father]''': And get my shirts from the laundry. :''[Mike goes inside]'' :'''Joel [as Mike]''': Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool! :''[Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]'' :'''Servo''': ... everywhere... oh Bert... :'''Mike''': Hello? :'''Carol''': Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet. :'''Crow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]''': [[w:Commando (1985 film)|I lied.]] :'''Mike''': You don't mean right now, do you? :'''Carol''': If you can get away. Please Mike? :'''Mike''': Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. [[w:Attack of the Puppet People|Something about puppet people.]] Sounds pretty wild. :'''Joel''': Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon... :'''Carol''': Please? :'''Mike''': Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again. :'''Carol''': Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there. :'''Mike''': Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes. :'''Carol''': I'll be waiting. :''[Mike runs outside]'' :'''Mike''': I'll see you dad, I got a date now! :'''Mike's Father''': Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you? :'''Servo [as Mike's Father]''': Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie? === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]'' :'''Joel''': Sex cameraman? Is this a– :'''Servo''': No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Blow the Man Down"]'' ::Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! :: ::Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! === [[w:Teenage Caveman (1958 film)|Teenage Caveman]] === :''[it's raining outside of the Satellite and the crew is bored]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes? :'''Joel''': Oh; we lost all the marbles. :'''Servo''': Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you? :'''Magic Voice''': I didn't play with it last. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' The pieces are missing anyway. . . . :'''Magic Voice''': Well, why don't you read a book? :'''Joel''': ''[as he and the Bots scoff and protest]'' Oh, gag me... no way! :'''Magic Voice''': Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds. :'''Joel''': Maybe we could play some poker. :'''Gypsy''': Poker? What's poker? :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea]'' You boys be nice to Gypsy. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering]'' Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on. :'''Gypsy''': [I'm] in! :'''Crow''': Let's see, what to do... :'''Gypsy''': ''[cheerfully]'' Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand]'' Oh, I fold! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand! ==== Aquatic Wizards (short) ==== :'''Announcer''': Where's the third fellow? He's ''chicken'' — never jumped at all. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah! :''[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing over footage of young women water-skiing]'' : ''Gee, I hope I'm skating pretty'' : ''Gee, I hope I get a boyfriend'' : ''Gee, I hope I don't get acne'' : ''I'm having so much fun now!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water. :'''Crow''': This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur! :'''Servo [as Anouncer]''': Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???.... ==== Catching Trouble (short) ==== :''[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ted Husing]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Kill Colonel Kurtz]]! :'''Ted Husing''': It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[Groucho Marx]]]''': And two hard-boiled eggs. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as [[w:Harpo Marx|Harpo Marx]]]''': Honk! :'''Crow [as Groucho Marx]''': Make that three hard-boiled eggs. {{hnote|Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? :'''Servo [as Husing]''': For voting twice? :'''Ted Husing''': Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bobcat]''': Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hurting the people you know and love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Husing''': Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...or call [[w:People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]'' :'''Joel''': What I wouldn't give to see that cub's ''mom'' show up right about now, huh, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross]'' Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in closing during the ensuing host segment]'' If you enjoy Catching Trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you! :'''Joel''': Any questions? ==== Teenage Caveman (movie) ==== :'''Narrator''': In the beginning, there was chaos... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Run by [[w:Bernie Kopell|Bernie Kopell]]. :''[a flash of light appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, and then God showed up. :'''Narrator''': And a voice said, "Let there be light." :'''Joel''': Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these. :'''Narrator''': And the dark was separated from the light. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And permanent press was separated from cottons. :'''Narrator''': There was created, the waters and the land. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And [[w:Charlton Heston|Charlton Heston]]. ConTel. :'''Narrator''': And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit. :'''Servo''': Frogs. :'''Joel''': Oh, this is ''[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' before they colorized it. :'''Narrator''': ''[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen]'' The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied. :'''Crow''': They all look like [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]]. :'''Narrator''': And then there came... man. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': To screw the whole thing up! :'''Servo and Joel''': Hey! :'''Crow''': Well, what about [[w:Ross Allen (herpetologist)|Ross]]? <hr width=50%/> :''[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:How Green Was My Valley|How green was my valley?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Not very. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Symbol Maker's teenage son ([[w:Robert Vaughn|Robert Vaughn]]) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]'' :'''Symbol Maker's Son''': Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty '''''there'''''? ''[footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Why am I thinking about gas stations? :'''Symbol Maker''': [Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die. :'''Servo''': Oh, like Hollywood! :'''Symbol Maker''': There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Symbol Maker]'' And kids that eat paste! <hr width="50%"> :'''Joel''': This script is like a telephone directory! :'''Crow''': But not as interesting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of the Symbol Maker's son early on]'' [[Rebel Without a Cause|Caveman Without a Cause]]! === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === === [[w:The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent|The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent]] === :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' W is for the many ways that you're served :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' A is for the admiration you deserve :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And F is for the flavor that is second to none! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth! :'''Joe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' E is for eggs--Oh Baby! :'''Tom''': Triple time! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love-- :'''Gypsy''': Send me up another please! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Oh, waffles we love-- :'''Servo''': Top mine off with runny cheese! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Crow''': Chili waffles suit me fine! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Joel''': Wash me down with Aunt Jemima? :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel walks in carrying a plate of waffles; with only one thing to say]'' :'''Joel''': ...Waffles. ''[Movie Sign blares]'' Oh; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place ''without'' waffles. :'''Crow''': ''[appears dressed in a waffle costume]'' [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|No waffles]]? :'''Servo''': Ah, who are you? :'''Crow''': Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing? :'''Servo''': Sure. :'''Crow''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad? :'''Joel''': ''[as "Chad"]'' Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have- :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie]'' Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles! :'''Joel''': ''[as young boy]'' Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles? :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie/Mom]'' Sorry, son; no waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' ==== The Home Economics Story (short) ==== :''[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]'' :'''Joel''': Iowa State College: The high school ''after'' high school! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]'' :'''Joel [as Principal]''': ''Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.'' :'''Crow [as Principal]''': Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen? :''[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]'' :'''Matronly Woman''': Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know ''very'' well. :'''Servo [as Matronly Woman]''': ...and why I'm being fired. :''[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]'' :'''Crow [as Matronly Woman]''': I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay is discussing college with her family.]'' :'''Servo''': She consulted Robert McNamara. :'''Joel''': And Ayn Rand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Kay sends her application letter.]'' :'''Narrator''': She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. :'''Crow''': (chuckles maniacly) :'''Joel''': Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here. :''[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]'' :'''Servo [as Kay]''': It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself! :'''Joel''': It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]'' :'''Crow [as Jean]''': ''[in a [[w:Curly Howard|Curly Howard]] voice] Hi!'' Howya ''doin'?'' We're gonna have a ''great'' time! We're gonna be ''pals''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a costume design class]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Camarillo_Brillo|Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A football game is starting.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next. :'''Joel [as audience member]''': Play "Whipping Post"! :''[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[in marching cadence]'' I'm a [[w:Cotton swab|Q-tip]], what are you! :''[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]''': Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]'' :'''Servo''': Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade. :'''Narrator''': ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How do Pop-Tarts work? :'''Kay''': What are you doing to major in, Helen? :. . . :'''Louise''': What are you going to take, Jean? :'''Joel [as Jean]''': I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! :. . . :'''Kay''': You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': Because I can't do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]'' :'''Joel [as little girl]''': ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]'' :'''Joel [as announcer]''' ''Home Economics'', starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. :'''Voice Over''': What is "Home Economics"? :'''Crow''': Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's [[w:Abbey_Road|Abbey Road]]. :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]''': [[w:The_Monkees_(TV_series)|''Here we come, walking down the street...'']] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]'' :'''Narrator''': Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all. :'''Servo''': And to re-enact the last scene from ''[[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]]''. ==== The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (movie) ==== === [[w:Star wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :''[as the title appears]'' :'''Servo''': Uh oh, ''Fugitive Alien II: [[w:Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo|Electric Boogaloo]], [[w:Exorcist II: The Heretic|the Heretic]], [[w:Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise|Nerds in Paradise]], [[w:Mannequin Two: On the Move|On the Move]], [[w:Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol|Citizens on Patrol]]''! :'''Joel''' Star Force times two! Two times the action, two times the confusion! :'''Servo''': Baboom! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling ''really'' good! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a ''Fugitive Alien'' sequel, we're in for the two most ''painful'' hours of our lives! ''[Servo begins crying]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now. :'''Narrator''': A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star... :'''Servo''': ''[crying]'' We know... :'''Narrator''': ... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part... :'''Crow''': Seen it! :'''Servo''': Taped it! ''[cries more]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus III.]'' :'''Ken''': Hey! Hey! Hey! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ken]''': Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes. :'''Narrator''': Ken will never forget her. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rocky the Flying Squirrel|Again?]] :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''Again?!'' :'''Servo''': That's good, Crow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': Listen to me! I've got something important to tell you! :'''Joel [as Yurulin]''': I'm the [[w:Margaret Brown|Unsinkable Molly Brown]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]'' :'''Crow''': IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!! :'''Joel''': Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow! ''[They rush out of the theater]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him! :'''Crow [imitating William Shatner]''': A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- ''[gets slapped in the beak]'' :'''Joel''': Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo! :'''Crow [on Shatner mode]''': But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! ''[breaking character]'' [[w:T.J. Hooker|Hooker's a good cop]]! Whoa! He's a good-- ''[gets slapped in the beak again]'' :'''Joel''': Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance! :'''Crow''': ''[sobs]'' I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated ''Bacchus III'' commander from the beloved ''Fugitive Alien'' series! :'''Crow''': Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately. :'''Servo''': Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks! :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of ''Bacchus 3''. Set 'em up, barkeep. :'''Crow''': Flask and travel bar not included. :'''Servo''': Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial. :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink! :'''Crow''' Existential void where prohibited. :'''Servo''': Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him. :'''Crow''': Tax and license not included. :'''Servo''': You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe. :'''Joel [as [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]]''': Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate! :'''Joel [as [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]]''': Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House! :'''Joel [as [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]]''': Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life. :'''Servo''': And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always... :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': ''[singing]'' Try to kill him with a forklift! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the film's score]'' Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare... :'''Joel''': ''[starting to get annoyed]'' That's good... that's plenty. :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': ''[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky]'' I'll kill that Rocky. :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Servo''': Oh-hooo, hit him. :... :'''Captain Joe''': ''[calling Rocky]'' Rocky, can you read me? :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Joel''': ... stop it. :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''AGAIN?'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' STOP IT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a desert, The Bacchus III crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]'' :'''Crow [as one of the crew]''': Hey, corn... HEY CORN?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :''[singing]'' What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue, <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bacchus III crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]'' :'''Rocky''': It won't be easy getting into this place. :'''Ken''': How will we do it? :'''Rocky''': Easy. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wha— wait a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]'' :'''Joel''': Where have I seen this before? :'''Servo''': Oh, I don't know; [[w:Star Wars (film)|a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away]]? :'''Crow''': Yeah... :'''Joel''': Yep. === [[w:War of the Colossal Beast|War of the Colossal Beast]] === ==== [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B Natural]] (short) ==== :''[Confused about a name in the opening credits]'' :'''Joel''': What does "A.S.C." mean? :'''Servo''': "A sick cookie". :'''Joel''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the background music in the opening credits]'' :''Come on and buy some crap from us'' :''You know that you want to'' :''And the white race will salute you'' :''As you prance and gad about!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, [[w:bleacher|bleacher]]-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': Boy! Am I glad to see you! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, it's not mutual! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': [[w:Yoda|Knew your father, I did!]] :'''Joel''': Hey, leave my father out of this! :'''Mr. B Natural''': And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the [[w:Garden of Eden|garden]] with [[w:Adam and Eve|Mr. and Mrs. Adam]]! :'''Servo''': Yeah, you were the snake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': The spirit of music's inside all of you. :'''Crow''': No, I bathe. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit) <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]'' :'''Joel [as Jim]''': Got it from the [[w:Franklin Mint|Franklin Mint]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]'' :'''Jeanie''': Wanna come? We could dance! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Buzz]''': Don't hit me! :'''Buzz''': No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay... :'''Jeanie''': But that's not due for two weeks! :'''Buzz''': I know Jeanie... but I... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Buzz]''': ...[[w:John Hinckley, Jr.|I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Buzz]''': ''[in a whiny voice]'' That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an [[w:androgynous|androgynous]] man would come and visit me... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the ''spirit''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, calls for ''Satan''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]'' :'''Buzz''': Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. :'''Buzz's Mother''': All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...? :'''Crow [as Buzz's Mother]''': ''This'' time, don't make so much noise when you "read." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Buzz's Mother]''': Why does my kid have to be such a dud? ''I'' was popular! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside ''you''! That's ''me'', B Natural! :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' So I'm attracted to ''guys'' now? :''[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]]''': The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The glamour of the uniform... :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The thrill of traveling for a band competition... :'''Servo''': The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! :'''Mr. B Natural''': ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Yeah, that's nice... '''MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! :'''Joel''': Uh, Mr. B, what would ''you'' know about dignity? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, I think [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]] only ''wished'' he was this gay, you know? :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'' accept our ''sincere'' apology for ''all'' of this. Please. :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Forget music, I wanna dance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B dances to some music.]'' :'''Crow''': He's so perky... kill her. :'''Servo''': See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]'' :'''Joel [as Buzz]''': ''[in a panicky voice]'' Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[in a midwestern voice]'' Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Honey_West_(TV_series)|''Honey West!'']] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]'' :'''Joel''': Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]'' :'''Servo''': Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. :'''Crow''': This trumpet is flatlining! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz is performing at a school dance]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the music]'' We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white... :. . . :'''Joel''': Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. :. . . :'''Crow [as radio host]''': Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... :. . . :''[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]'' :'''Joel''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel steps in as Crow and Servo are arguing about whether Mr. B Natural was a man or a woman]'' :'''Joel''': Hey hey hey, you guys, take it easy. You're never gonna get anywhere that way; let's just get organized. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case, and then time for a short rebuttal... Okay? :'''Crow, Servo''': Okay. :'''Joel''': All right. Now, standard debate rules, I will act as arbiter... On my mark, begin, Mr. Crow! :'''Crow''': Mr. B Natural was a woman. Of this there can be no doubt. :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' Not a chance, fat bot! :'''Crow''': Hey, c'mon... :'''Joel''': ''[pushes Servo back]'' Hey hey hey! That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo; Mr. Crow, begin again! :'''Crow''': Thank you, commissioner. ''[clears throat]'' We are compelled to look on the "mister" moniker as merely a whimsical, contrived characterization in the spirit of Peter Pan, played convincingly by the late Mary Martin. And the late Cathy Rigby. And the late Sandy Duncan. And the late... :'''Joel''': Get to the point, Mr. Robot! :'''Crow''': The point, sir, is: Breasts. :'''Servo''': D'... Huh? :'''Crow''': Yes! Mr. B Natural had breasts -- a decidedly ''un''-natural thing for a man to have, don't you think, Mr. Servo? :''[Servo laughs nervously]'' :'''Crow''': When one takes into account the short jacket, the shiny leotard, the wide hips, unless one is wildly confused as my colleague seems to be, one concludes -- naturally -- that Mr. B Natural is indeed a wonderful, spritely -- albeit annoying -- woman. :'''Joel''': Thank you, Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo! :'''Servo''': ''[parody of a posh Ivy League accent]'' Uh, thank you, Mr. Utley. Um, uh... Ignoring the aromatic contumely held to me by my less than erudite confrère, um, no doubt places a thin veil before a tribulus(?) temperament... uh... :'''Joel''': ''[interrupting]'' Mr. Servo, I'm warning you: No [[w:William_F._Buckley_Jr.|William F. Buckley]] impersonations under threat of a point reduction! :'''Servo''': ''[normal voice]'' Okay, sorry. ''[clears throat]'' Mr. B Natural! What a guy! Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does just as he sees fit. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard and a powder blue note-spangled jacket, and climbing through the windows of young troubled middle-schoolers to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours, waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears, I say more power to him! :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, you're evading the question! :'''Servo''': If by this, sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man, I challenge you to come up with any condemning evidence to the contrary! They named him Mister, and I for one have faith that they knew what they were doing. You might as well just ask me to prove that a fish is a fish! Gentlemen, it just is! As for these phantom "breasts" Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say phooey-kaflooey. Perhaps he's been in space too long. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that. Here's wishing we could ''all'' be a little bit more like him. I yield the floor. :'''Joel''': Mr. T. Bo-rot, you have twenty minutes to rebut. :'''Crow''': ''Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me!'' Let's assume for the moment that Mr. B Natural ''is'' a man. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids! Already there's the painful feeling of isolation. The horrible scarring acne! And Mr. Servo here would have us place a cross-dressing man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms! Why not men in Little Bo-Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I for one would not... :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, your rebuttal! :'''Servo''': Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow? I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ''all'' the barriers! Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards. Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big wo-- :'''Joel''': ''[abruptly ending the debate]'' Uh, gentlemen, I have commecial sign; I'm sorry. ==== War of the Colossal Beast (movie) ==== :''[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Car Occupants]''': ''[singing to "[[w:99 Bottles of Beer|99 Bottles of Beer]]"]'' :: [[One Hundred Years of Solitude|100 years of solitude]], 100 years of solitude! :: Take one down, pass it around, :: 99 years of solitude! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]'' :'''Joyce Manning''': Could this be Glen's? :'''Servo''': No, no, the [[w:Fingerprint#Classifying|whorl pattern]] is completely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff''': ''[upon discovering a giant footprint]'' Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall. :'''Joyce''': ''Glen'' was sixty feet tall. :'''Crow''': Think there's a connection? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]'' :'''Servo''': That's right, [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert]], spare us nothing. === [[w:The Unearthly|The Unearthly]] === ==== Posture Pals (short) ==== :''[as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]'' :'''Joel''': Avis Films, we try harder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[w:Dragnet|The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]'' :'''Joel''': My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. :'''Crow, Servo''': Hi, Sally. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of the four kids]'' :'''Narrator''': And these four children are especially important about the four things. :'''Joel''': 'Cause they're on the payroll. <hr width="50%"/> :''[talking about the posture contest]'' :'''Narrator''': The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. :'''Joel''': Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. :'''Narrator''': Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. :'''Servo''': Hey, who wouldn't be? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the kids look at their posture drawings]'' :'''Joel''': That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy. :'''Narrator''': But they are not happy with what they see. :'''Servo''': They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! :'''Narrator''': For Tommy is indeed surprised... :'''Crow [as Tommy]''': No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! :'''Narrator''': ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round. :'''Joel''': He's got VPL. :'''Servo''': Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL! :'''Narrator''': Now Jimmy is disturbed to see... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! :'''Narrator''': He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Just like his dad on Friday night! :'''Narrator''': And what gives Jane her worried frown? :'''Joel''': Valium? :'''Narrator''': Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree. :'''Servo''': All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. :'''Narrator''': Our Mary is a happy girl... :'''Servo''': ''(imitates repeated burping)'' :'''Narrator''': ...with hollowed chest and tired head. :'''Crow''': She should jut go home to bed. ''Green Eggs and Ham''. :'''Servo''': Thank you, Sam-I-Am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]'' :'''Narrator''': ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Here, she re-enacts her first [[w:Driving under the influence|DUI]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]'' :'''Narrator''': Doesn't Bombo look tired? :'''Crow''': Yes, very much so. :''[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]'' :'''Joel [as Bombo]''': No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! :''[Servo makes broken spine noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]'' :'''Narrator''': Tommy reminds Jimmy&mdash; :'''Joel''': Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you! :'''Narrator''': &mdash;when Jimmy stands off-balance. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong! :'''Tom''': Heh-heh... what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test. :''[A silhouette appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, it's [[w: Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]]! :'''Tom''': Yeah, after [[w:Slim Fast|Slim-Fast]]! :''[All sing the [[w:Alfred Hitchcock Presents|Alfred Hitchcock Presents]] theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture. :'''Joel''': And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is voted posture queen]'' :'''Crow''': FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX! :''[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]'' :'''Servo''': Then Mary's head is lit on fire! :'''Narrator''': And the other three children win the other posture crowns. :'''Servo''': Definitely a fix. :'''Narrator''': Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': '''NO!''' :. . . :'''Crow''': Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. ==== Appreciating Our Parents (short) ==== :''[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]'' :'''Narrator''': Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...in a prison break. :'''Narrator''': ...and now, it's mended as good as new. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Tommy's the [[w:The Lathe of Heaven|Lathe of Heaven]]. ==== The Unearthly (movie) ==== :''[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]) as he reassures new patient Grace.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, John — why the long face, pal? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]'' :'''Sharon''': Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here. :''[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sharon]''': NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]'' :'''Sharon''': Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. : . . . :''[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]'' :'''Crow [as Conway]''': I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Groucho]''': [[Groucho Marx#cant-finish|I can't think of anything else!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]'' :'''Lobo''': Time for go to bed! :'''Joel''': Well said. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]'' :'''Joel''': His story has a better plot than this ''movie''... === [[w:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]] === [On The Satellite of Love] :'''Crow''': Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song. :'''Joel Robinson''': You wrote a Christmas song? :'''Crow''': Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! :'''Tom Servo''': Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A [[w:Patrick Swayze|Patrick Swayze]] Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, [[Road House]]. :'''Servo''': C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas? :'''Crow''': Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay? :'''Joel''': C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon. :'''Crow''': All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot. :'''Joel''': "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Right. Hit it, Cambot! [music starts] :'''Servo''': Oh. Oh, I start. I get it. Lyrics TOM Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in CROW We'll gather at the Road House With our next of kin JOEL And Santa can be Our regular Saturday Night thing ALL We'll decorate a barstool And gather 'round and sing TOM Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year! CROW Or we'll tear your throat out And kick you in the ear :'''Joel''': Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. :[music stops] :'''Joel''': Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. :'''Crow''': Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas? :'''Joel''': Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. :'''Crow''': Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson! '''Tom Servo''': Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. :[music resumes] :'''Tom Servo''': Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. :'''Crow''': Thank you. TOM It's my way or the highway This Christmas at my bar CROW I'll have to smash your kneecaps if You bastards touch my car JOEL I got the word that Santa has been Stealing from the till ALL I think that that right jolly old elf Better make out his will Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all And this can be the haziest... This can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all! TOM La la la la la la Ha ha! :'''Crow''': How long before it becomes a standard? :'''Joel''': I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon! :[Joel drags Crow out] :'''Tom Servo''': We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh. :''[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I wanna decide who lives and who dies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]'' :'''Crow [as TV Announcer]''':For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar ([[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]]) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]'' :'''Kimar''': Now, go to sleep! :'''Girmar''': Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. :'''Bomar''': I want to see more toys! :'''Kimar''': No, go to sleep! :'''Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]''': Will you [[w:Pia Zadora#Film career|buy me a Golden Globe]], then? :'''Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]''': Why, sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter. :'''Servo''': ''[in nerdy voice]'' You know… if they cancel ''[[w:Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'', I'm gonna kill myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': ''[cheerfully]'' Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]'' :'''Bomar''': The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. :'''Joel [as Santa]''': Don't worry, we'll give them to [[w:Dyslexia|dyslexic kids]]. :. . . :'''Girmar''': Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet! :'''Santa''': Oh, this'll never do! :'''Joel''': ''[as Santa]'' We'll have to sell this stuff to [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Forrester]]''': Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! :'''[[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]]''': Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… :'''Dr. Forrester''': You… hocked… my… Rolex. :'''TV's Frank''': Yah… :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called ''[[w:Final Exit|Final Exit]]''. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. :'''TV's Frank''': Heh heh. Oh, Henry! {{hnote|A twisted allusion to O. Henry's ''The Gift of the Magi'', about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.}} === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja I]] === :''[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]'' :'''Sheriff Kyle''': Pull over! This is the sheriff's office! :'''Crow''': ''Office''?! That's a ''car''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Holly Trumball ([[w:Demi Moore|Demi Moore]]) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]'' :'''Holly''': You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. :'''Max''': I'm going off duty for the day. :'''Holly''': Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. :'''Joel''': Uh, let [[w:Dennis Miller|Dennis Miller]] do Dennis Miller, Demi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Trumball''': You got a warrant, sheriff? :'''Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]''': Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]'' :'''Okasa''': The old man hired you? :'''McAlister''': I am not for hire. :'''Okasa''': We are all for hire. In dark times... :'''McAlister''': The dark times have gone. :'''Servo''': You guys speaking in [[w:haiku|haiku]] all of a sudden??? Whoa! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]'' :'''Max''': Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja. :'''Servo''': We'll be the judge of that. :'''Crow [as TV announcer]''': Chevy Van: A [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] production. :'''Max''': We're being followed! :'''Servo [as McAllister]''': Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie! :''[The van makes a sharp left.]'' :'''Crow [as McAllister]''': Quick! Take a turn here on [[w:Steven J. Cannell|Steven J. Cannell]] Boulevard! :'''Max''': Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises. :'''Crow''': Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that '''Master Ninja''', rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called '''The Master'''.''}} :. . . :''[Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBER! :''[Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBERRRRRR! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, ninjas never had those. :'''Servo [as Okasa]''': Damn. He knows [[w:Doug Henning|Doug Henning]]. :'''Max''': You all right? :'''Joel [as McAllister]''': I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. === [[w:The Castle of Fu Manchu|The Castle of Fu Manchu]] === :'''Crow''': Staring contest on the left. Check it out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': ''This is Fu Manchu.''<br> :'''Crow''' ['''As Fu Manchu''']: And you're ''not''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice... :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a refrigerator. :'''Fu Manchu''': And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril. :'''Joel''': Kinda like a Corvair, huh? :'''Fu Manchu''': In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete. :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': But first, this word from Maxwell House. :''[footage of the [[w:RMS Titanic|Titanic]] is shown]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, they stole this from a [[w:A Night to Remember (1958 film)|Titanic movie]]. Look. :... :''[the ship hits the iceberg]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Lucille Ball|Lucy]] must be around here somewhere. [[w:I Love Lucy|"Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"]] :... :'''Crow''': ''[as the passengers panic]'' [[w:Monty Python's Flying Circus|Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.]] :... :''[as the ship continues to sink]'' :'''Crow''': And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, ''[[w:The Poseidon Adventure (1972 film)|The Poseidon Adventure]]. :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"]] :... :''[as the ship finishes sinking]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Morning After (Maureen McGovern song)|There's got to be a morning after...]] And there she goes! Yay! :'''Crow''': Well, that made no sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Castle of Fu Manchu; where you [[w:White Castle (restaurant)|eat square hamburgers]] with chopsticks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on]'' '''I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~''' :'''Crow''': C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Petrie''': Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come. :'''Joel [as Kessler]''': Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers- :'''Servo''': Joel, no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': This is Fu Manchu... :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': And I'm an alcoholic. :'''Joel''': Hi Fu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio)'' Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! ''(breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)'' :'''Crow''': Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man! :'''Joel''': Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully. :'''Servo''': ''(while still crying)'' I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!! :'''Crow''': I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie? :'''Joel''': Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man. :'''Servo''': You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? ''(sobs uncontrollably)'' :'''Crow''': Better you than me! :'''Joel''': Oh, Crow, c'mon... ''(addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust)'' Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank)'' You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fu Manchu reveals an unconscious man he wants Dr. Kessler to operate on]'' :'''Dr. Kessler''': What's wrong with that man? :'''Crow''': Nothing at all! :'''Fu Manchu''': There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition. :'''Servo''': I'll say. :'''Fu Manchu''': And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell. :'''Joel''': Bong! :'''Fu Manchu''': Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart? :'''Joel [as Kessler]''' ''[flustered]'' Uh, if it comes with that beefy chest! :'''Dr. Kessler''': But that man is not dead or dying! :'''Crow''': [[w:The Princess Bride (film)|He's only ''mostly'' dead!]] :'''Fu Manchu''': ... he will die, for the sake of science. :'''Dr. Kessler''': And for your sake also. :'''Fu Manchu''': I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent. :'''Servo''': I wish this '''MOVIE''' WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted beauracrat in silk jammies! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying)'' Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(mockingly)'' '''[[The Wizard of Oz|Auntie Em, Auntie Em!]]''' <hr width="50%"/> ''(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)'' :'''Servo''': Oh... King's on his throne. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie)'' Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now. :'''Joel''': [[It's a Wonderful Life|You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others.]] Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime! :'''Dr. Forrester''': You're sounding like a [[w:Hallmark Cards, Inc.|Hallmark card]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': ''(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene)'' You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(angrily)'' Frank! :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': Gotcha! === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja II]] === :''[After Max tries and fails to flirt with a girl and she walks away]'' :'''McAlister''': I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you. :'''Servo''': Usually they run away screaming. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]'' :'''Max''': I'm here. Are you? :'''Carrie''': Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day. :'''Max''': I hear ya. [''The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.''] :'''Servo [as Carrie]''': You're a wry wit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]'' :'''Joel''': You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. == Season 4 == === [[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Space Travelers]] === :''[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]'' :'''Crow''': Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. === [[w:The Giant Gila Monster|The Giant Gila Monster]] === :'''Joel''': Hey Gypsy, come here! ''[Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel]'' :'''Joel''': Gypsy, no! It's too small! :''[Everyone including Gypsy screams as she inadvertently knocks everyone down, including the entire Malt Shop.]'' :'''Gypsy''': These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's title appears on the screen]'' :'''Joel, Crow & Servo''': ''[singing to tune of [[w:Hava Nagila|Hava Nagila]]]'': Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]'' :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's why the Deuteronomy's so long. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Gila Monster]''': And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]'' :'''Servo [as [[Apocalypse Now|Colonel Kurtz]]]''': The horror! The horror! :''[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, they killed off the only likeable character! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]'' :'''Chase''': Two twenties! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That makes thirty dollars! === [[w:City Limits (1985 film)|City Limits]] === :'''TV's Frank''': It's none other than British pop star, [[Morrissey]]!... He's a little depressed. :''[Frank turns to Morrissey]'' :'''TV's Frank''': So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'? :'''Morrissey''': ''[turns to Dr. Forrester]'' He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing. :'''Morrissey''': Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morrissey''': This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": ''I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have wept for hours...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Woody and Yogi ([[w:Rae Dawn Chong|Rae Dawn Chong]]), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]'' :'''Woody''': I lost a tooth. :'''Servo [as Yogi]''': Oh Jeez, I told you to floss! :''[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]'' :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up. :'''Joel''': This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny. :'''Servo''': He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]'' :'''Sammy''': It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good! :'''Joel''': Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]'' :'''Servo''': No acting beyond this point. Not allowed. :'''Crow''': The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it ''does'' say that [[w:Boy George|Boy George]] rides in flinging molotov cocktails. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]'' :'''Mick''': You're nothin'. :'''Joel [as Woody]''': Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head. :'''Mick''': I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but— :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Nope. Pretty much squat there, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mick''': We ain't stupid. :'''Bolo''': Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick. :'''Crow''': Not on screen anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Austin'' City Limits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Albert ([[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]]) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]'' :'''Servo [as Albert]''': [[w:CNN#CNN in popular culture|This is F.U.N.]] === [[w:Teenagers from Outer Space (film)|Teenagers from Outer Space]] === :''[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:08:16 --> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Wow, really ''old'' teenagers from outer space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:12:40 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to ''torture''! :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''TORCHAA!!'' <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 0:13:37 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': ''We'' have the [[w:Pizza#Types of pizza|supreme pizzas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]'' :'''Thor''': Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall." :'''Crow T. Robot''': You mean a ''day?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:46:37 --> :'''Joel [as Derek/Freddy]''': ''[singing to "[[w:On the Street Where You Live|On the Street Where You Live]]"]'' :: I have often walked down the street before, :: But I've never done it packing heat before… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 1:16:13 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Crow''': Ahh, turn [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]] off! <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 1:26:03 --> :'''Betty''': Where are you from Derek? :'''Joel [as Derek]''': A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". === [[w:Time Walker|Being from Another Planet]] === :'''TV's Frank''': ''[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call [[w:Precious Moments, Inc.|Tragic Moments]], panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog]'' Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point. ... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Others in the collection include ''He Raises a Hand in Anger'', ''World's Deadest Grandma'' and ''Dad's Liquid Breakfast''. ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval]'' You should be locked up for being that evil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is demonstrating his Invention Exchange presentation: a [[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]] impersonation kit]'' :'''Joel''': It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right? :'''Crow''': ''[using the impersonation kit]'' I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not. :'''Joel''': Or you can use it to scare your friends. ''[to Servo]'' Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-'''lance'''? :'''Servo''': ''[using the kit]'' That- would be a decision for '''you''' to make. '''''Choose wisely...''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching the title credit]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[reading over the cast names]'' James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem. :'''Joel''': Sam Chew [Jr]? :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as skelton/[[w:Martha Raye|Martha Raye]]]'' Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal]'' :'''Jeweler''': Worthless. :'''Peter''': Worthless?! :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': Yeah, your career, that is. :'''Peter''': What do you mean worthless?! :'''Jeweler''': I mean they're not precious. :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': ''You're'' precious. :'''Peter''': They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man! :'''Jeweler''': Well, who told you that? Some hustler in...? :'''Crow''': I don't read ''Hustler''. :'''Peter''': Forget it! ''[takes the crystals back]'' :'''Servo''': I'm gonna find those strawberries... :'''Peter''': Clown! :'''Joel [as Jeweler]''': Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of hospital]'' :'''Servo''': ...and now, ''[[W:Trapper John, M.D.|Trapper John, M.D.]]''! :'''Crow''': Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to ''[[w:Medical Center (TV series)|Medical Center]]''! :'''Servo''': Yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a radio show]'' :'''Linda''': And now, a special message for those ''naughty'' boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden. :'''Crow''': Wow, hot show. :'''Douglas''': Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern... :'''Crow''': ''[as Douglas]'' '''GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Linda Flores (portrayed by [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]]) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Linda]'' Now here's [[w:Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)|The Banana Boat Song]] by a little someone I'd like to call [[w:Harry Belafonte|Dad]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[the mummy reappears on-screen]'' Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party]'' :'''Bill''': Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! ''[is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oh, a priest? We love priests! :'''Joel [as a girl]''': ''[seductively]'' Forgive me, Father, for I have ''sinned!'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oooh, I'm ''about'' to. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind]'' :'''Servo''': Big mistake. :''[the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:M&Ms|They're not supposed to melt your hand]]. :'''Servo''': Hate that; the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[over the credits]'' You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here. :'''Joel''': Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? :'''Servo''': Worse (than that), worse. :'''Crow''': What about Sidehackers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Cave Dwellers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Crow''': Catalina Caper? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Pod People? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Hellcats? :'''Servo''': Oh, worse. :'''Joel''': Daddy-O? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Rocket Attack USA? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Earth vs. the Spider? :'''Servo''': Definitely worse. :'''Crow''': Ring of Terror? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Joel''': It Conquered the World? :'''Servo''': Uh... yeah, worse! ''[Some time later]'' :'''Joel''': The Manchingo Coniglium? :'''Servo''': ''[uncertain]'' Oh, huh? :'''Crow''': Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better! :'''Servo''': [This movie]'s a ton worse. ''[even later still]'' :'''Crow''': How about The Castle of Fu Manchu? :'''Servo''': Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was ''just as bad'', but we've never done a '''worse''' film! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots]'' :'''Frank''': I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. ''[collapses onto the button to end the experiment]'' === [[w:Attack of the Giant Leeches|Attack of the Giant Leeches]] === :''[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]'' :'''Clown #1''': Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower? :'''Servo''': Yes, about a ''kajillion times!'' :'''Clown #1''': Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash? :''[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]'' :'''Joel''': Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll? :''[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]'' :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Clown #1]'' Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!! :'''Crow''': Joel, this is getting too weird; you gotta do something! :'''Joel''': I'm working on it! :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, Do something! I hate these clowns, and I don't even exist! :'''Clown #1''': Joel Robinson! Don't you do that! Don't you do that! :'''Joel''': ''[to the Clowns]'' I have to do it! I HAVE to do it! ''[Joel finally manages to turn off the screaming deranged clowns from the hexfield viewscreen, thus putting them out of their misery.]'' ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]'' :'''Doctor #1''': Fine chap. I wish we had more like him! :'''Crow [as Doctor #2]''': Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! :'''Doctor #2''': He'll make a fine Naval officer. :'''Servo''': He'll make several of them! ==== Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) ==== :''[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, Mommy! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:Honey West|Honey West]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match. === [[w:The Killer Shrews|The Killer Shrews]] === :''[it's Present Day for the Bots]'' :'''Gypsy''': What did I get? :'''Crow''': Oh, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; Joel forgot he even '''had''' a robot named Gypsy! :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Quiet, Crow! You want to ruin Present Day by being naughty?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[later on]'' What did I get? Me next! :'''Joel''': I saved the best for last- I got you... dress slacks from J.C. Penney. :'''Crow''': ''[dumbfounded]'' ...Oh. :'''Joel''': Oh, come on, it's a great gift; you can wear it for dressy or casual... I'm gonna have to get you a nice polo top though... :'''Crow''': ''[crestfallen as the other Bots laugh at him]'' Thank you for the pants... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Your movie for today's experiment makes even ''me'' sick—and I liked ''[[w:Morgan Stewart's Coming Home|Morgan Stewart's Coming Home]]''. It's called "The Killer Shrews", and it stars James Best from ''[[The Dukes of Hazzard]]'', so Frank is excited about it. :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, it was my favorite show; what can I say? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank has a nasty stomachache from drinking the excessively sugary "Killer Shrew" shake]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Here, Frank, drink this. ''[hands Frank a flask]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Thank you; what is it anyway? :'''Dr. Forrester''': An ipecac. ''[Frank starts spewing as he hits the button to end the experiment]'' ==== Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) ==== :''[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]'' :'''Narrator''': Junior Rodeo Daredevils. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Smothered in gravy—Texas style! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator:''' Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em. :'''Crow:''' Hey, kids, you ever read ''[[w:The Ox-Bow Incident (novel)|The Ox-Bow Incident]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': All nine of 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]''': And the crowd goes wild! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[dully]'' [[w:Tom Slick (cartoon)|Yay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a successful cattle roping]'' :'''Narrator''': Eight seconds. :'''Joel [as the boy]''': Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle. :'''Joel [as the rider]''': ''I ammmmmmmmm!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the kids walks off after being thrown off his horse]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as boy, indignantly]'' Go ahead; strip me of my dignity at age four! What are you all looking at?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy Slater is handing out trophies and participation medals to the kids, momentarily shaking hands with one girl]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Billy Slater]'' I loved you in [[The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Parent Trap]], [[w:Hayley Mills|by the way]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater. :'''Joel''': It's sad, really. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of ''[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]'']'' ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! ==== The Killer Shrews (movie) ==== :''[The narrator describes the voracious [[w:shrew|shrew]].]'' :'''Narrator''': He ''must'' eat his own body weight every few hours… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …[[w:Slim Fast#Marketing|plus a delicious shake]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]'' :'''Sherman''': Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here! :'''Crow [as Sherman]''': These things make everything look bigger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Sherman]''': I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the [[w:Satellite of Love|SOL]].]'' :'''Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! :: Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! :: He comes out at night to give you a fright. :: Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! :: Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! :: He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. :: He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]'' :'''Servo''': Puppies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the group walks further into the woods to go out on their own]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a sing-song tone]'' You're gonna die from shrew bites; you're gonna die from shrew bites! Shrew bites, shrew bites~! === [[w:Hercules Unchained|Hercules Unchained]] === :''[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Hardly ''any'' animals were hurt in the making of this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': [''singing''] Last nIIIIIIIGHT! ''[bashes her face into the harp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ulysses]''': I'm cuckoo for [[w:Cocoa Puffs|Cocoa Puffs]]! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Kennedy family|Kennedys]] ruled Greece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"! === [[w:Indestructible Man|Indestructible Man]] === :''[the Bots decide to prank Joel by switching their programming around into each other]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[as Magic Voice]'' Commercial sign! Commercial sign; pretty soon! :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Gypsy]'' Loading Richard Basehart remark. Richard Basehart remark in 5, 4, 3... Richard Basehart now. :'''Joel''': Okay; I think I get it now. :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow]'' No, you don't; you've gone crazy! :'''Crow''': ''[as Servo]'' I think you're insane, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel tries to replicate Lon Chaney Jr.'s trademark eye squint, with Cambot zoomed in on Joel's face]'' :'''Servo''': Joel, what are you doing? :'''Joel''': I'm doing an experiment. :'''Crow''': Oh; I thought someone replaced the monitor with a Jack-o-lantern! :'''Joel''': Oh, bite me; it's for- ''[Crow and Servo do just that]'' -Ow! :'''Crow''': What? You said, "bite me". ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :'''Joel''', '''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[singing to the opening credits theme]'' Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom; for you and for me where the men are in dresses! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [''imitates Billy''] Shut up, Diane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one faction of the Atlanteans charge through the canyon as their white head-dresses trail behind them]'' :'''Joel''': Hey; it's Jim Henson's [[w:Birth of a Nation|Birth of a Nation]] [[w:Muppet Babies (1984 TV series)|Babies]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Atlanteans charge down a hill as the short ends]'' :'''Joel''': Oh; big hill, everybody! :''[the screen abruptly flashes to a title card for the next episode]''{{hnote|They never did get to any future episodes of the serial.}} :'''Servo''': Well, whaddaya know? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the S.o.L. gang hold a parade based around the Undersea Kingdom short]'' :'''Crow''': ''[narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float]'' And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from- :'''Joel''': -The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life? :'''Gypsy''': ''[as the parade Grand Marshall]'' [[w:F-Troop|It is balloon]]! :'''Joel''': And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen. :'''Crow''': I think you mean helium. ==== Indestructible Man (movie) ==== :''[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]'' :'''Joel''': Only millions of Christians. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]'' :'''Joel''': He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's. :'''Crow [as Chaney]''': Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' Man; I gotta take an indestructible whiz. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[later, over a scene of a police car]'' Officers, be on the lookout for donuts! :'''Servo''': Joel, those donut jokes are starting to get old real fast. :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, pardon me, Tom "I gotta take an indestructible whiz" Servo... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]'' :'''Servo''': Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' I may be indestructible, but I still hurt inside! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, please. He should quit ''his'' job. Strippers make way more money than cops! === [[w:Hercules Against the Moon Men|Hercules Against the Moon Men]] === :''[Repeated Lines]'' : '''Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank''': DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[TV's Frank gets high from Joel's invention: "Super Freak Out" which consists of him, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy in rock and roll outfits]'' :'''Joel''': What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I'm a scientist; I don't ''think'', I '''''observe'''''. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': See me, feel me, touch me! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Push the button, Frank. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': I ''am'' the button. ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots sing an ode to pants]'' :'''Joel''': What keeps our legs all warm and hot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Crow''': What prevents a buffalo shot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Tom''': [[The Wizard of Oz|What do they got that I ain't got?]] :'''Joel''' and '''Crow''': ...Pants. :'''Tom''': [[w:Bert Lahr|Well, you]] [[w:The Cowardly Lion|can say that again...]] Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]'' :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of ''me'' all day long! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two soldiers walk down a hallway]'' :'''Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]''': [[w:Little Caesars|Pizza, pizza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Queen of the Moon Men reverts back to a corpse thanks to Hercules interrupting the resurrection ceremony.]'' :'''Joel''': This film has ''aged'' me... :'''Crow''': I know how she feels. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Princess]''': Herc, you gonna help us move? :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs me my life. :'''Hercules''': Now see them both safely back to the city. :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs you my life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]'' :'''Joel''': It's the [[w:Monsters of Rock|Monsters of Rock]] Tour! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Don't let him get you over his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of barren moonscape]'' :'''Servo''': We seem to be in some sort of [[w:Limbo|Limbo]] zone. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]? :'''Joel''': No, that would be more like [[w:Hell|Hell]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Wanna get ''stoned''? ''[pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]'' :'''Crow [as Bob Dylan]''': [[w:Rainy Day Women #12 & 35|Everybody must get stoned!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? :'''Gypsy''': No way... :'''Crow''': Not Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy [upset]''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!''' '' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper]'' Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...? :'''Crow''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It's really not that good! :'''Joel''': Come with me, mister! ''[grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]'' :'''Crow''': AAAAAAGH! === [[w:The Magic Sword (1962)|The Magic Sword]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]], your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of [[w:Bert I Gordon|Bert I Gordon]]. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring [[w:sword and sorcery|sword and sorcery]], Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed [[w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The knights face an ogre.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]], no! <hr width="50%"/> :''[George fights a two-headed dragon.]'' :'''Joel''': Lighten up, they’re just puppets! :'''Crow''': Hey... :'''Joel''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]'' :'''Crow''': I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT! :'''Tom Servo''': EEAUGHHH! :'''Crow''': ''[continues singing, ignoring Servo]'' She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! === [[w:Hercules and the Conquest of Atlantis|Hercules and the Captive Women]] === :''[the movie opens proper with a map of the Greek city of Thebes]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Bonanza|Bonanza]]! :'''Servo''': And if that map burns, it'll be a [[w:Greece|Greece]] [[w:Class B fire|fire]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting! :'''Joel''': ''[trying to hide his amusement]'' Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie. :'''Gypsy''': ''[catching herself]'' Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' All right, Gypsy! Good one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others]'' Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do. :'''Joel''': Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment! :'''Gypsy''': ''[uneasy]'' That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them. :'''Crow''': Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat- :'''Joel''': That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. ''[Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots]'' She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of- :'''Crow''': ''[shushes Joel]'' Watch the movie, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[recurring, as Timoteo]'' [[Dirty Harry|I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank demonstrates a hybrid lawnmower/baby pram and nearly jostles one of the babies in the Deep 13 daycare]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[horrified]'' Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Princess Ismene is introduced; delirious and shackled behind an enchanted section of wall rock]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Say; are you a captive woman? :'''Ismene''': ''[wearily]'' Kill me... :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' ...with kindness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Hercules and shape-shifting Proteus fight, the latter god turns into a lion, growling]'' :'''Crow''': Kitty! :'''Servo''': Suddenly it's a [[w:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer|MGM]] film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form]'' I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha! :'''Joel''': ''[as Servo imitates the lizard yipping]'' [[The Flintstones|Dino]]! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc! :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Dragon|Daryl Dragon]]. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' I love it when men and lizards fight over me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of Hercules laughing mirthfully]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's [[w:Chaim Topol|Topol]]! :'''Crow''': The smokers' tooth polish? :'''Joel''': No; the hard to work with actor. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': ''[after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus]'' Oh omnipotent Zeus... :'''Servo''': ''[as an answering machine]'' Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message... :'''Hercules''': ...Hear my plea... :'''Crow''': Not guilty by reason of insanity! :'''Hercules''': If Androcles is still alive- :'''Joel''': ''[sung]'' [[w:In the Year 2525|In the year 3535...]] :'''Hercules''': Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father! :'''Crow''': ''[as Zeus]'' I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ismene''': Today is dedicated to Uranus. :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh? . . . :''[Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Hercules]'' You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my- :'''Joel''': We know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of Antinea's soldiers asks for forgiveness after his men were overpowered by Hercules' son Hylas and Timoteo who rescued Ismene]'' :'''Antinea''': You're right; it '''won't''' happen again. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' Because you're fired! :'''Crow''': ''[as a pit of acid opens in the floor]'' Not the commode! :'''Joel''': I knew it; death by chocolate. :'''Soldier''': ''[begging]'' No; don't kill me! :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier]'' Don't make me take a bath! :'''Joel''': ''[as the soldier is forced into the pit]'' You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa! :'''Crow''': It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis. :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier; in the pit gurgling]'' Is it too late to request a last meal? ''[the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains]'' :'''Crow''': Another [[w:Jenny Craig (businesswoman)|Jenny Craig]] success story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Atlantis crumbles and citizens die in the climax]'' For Herc, these are just acceptable losses. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo made a Hercules action figure- which seems to have only one action phrase]'' :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. :'''Servo''': Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' We're failures, Tommy; failures! :'''Joel''': No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward. :'''Servo''': I don't even '''have''' '''''a foot'''''! ''[cries again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! ''[pulls Hercules' voice box cord again]'' :'''Hercules''': You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. ''[Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed]'' :'''Antinea''': On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed. :'''Ismene''': Mother, you can't mean- :'''Antinea''': You must die. :'''Crow''': Boy, she's really strict. :'''Ismene''': No... I don't want to die. :'''Servo''': ''[mock crying]'' I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live! :'''Joel''': ''[as Antinea]'' You stop or I'll give you something to cry about. :''[Antinea's guards arrive]'' :'''Antinea''': Take her away. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]'' :'''Servo''': Remember the Alamo! :'''Crow''': Storm the Bastille! :'''Joel''': Give us Barabbas! :'''All''': Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules stumbles upon the slaughtered army of youths outside Antinea's temple]'' :'''All''': ''[as the pile of bodies]'' ''[[Bye Bye Birdie|We love you Conrad, oh yes, we do...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy''': Don't patronize me, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :[''as Atlantis crumbles in the climax''] :'''Queen Antinea''': ''[pleading to a statue of their god Uranus]'' You must protect me, mighty Uranus! :'''Joel''': ''[as Uranus]'' Bite me; I'm a statue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timoteo''': ''[after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles]'' I really would've prefered he hit somebody. :'''Crow''': ''[as Androcles]'' Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the S.O.L. crew celebrate having gotten through (seemingly) the last Hercules movie they were subjected through]'' :'''Servo''': Hercules, wherever you are out there in the ancient Greek Pantheon, I just want to say... bite me! === [[w:Manhunt in Space|Manhunt in Space]] === :''[during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Crow]'' Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you. :'''Crow''': Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go? :'''Servo''': No, I'm afraid it's '''far worse''' than ''that''. :'''Crow''': Please, Doc, tell me what it is! :'''Servo''': Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame! :'''Servo''': You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood. :'''Crow''': Oh, Chad... :'''Gypsy''': ''[enters as a nurse]'' You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!! :'''Servo''': My dear, I can explain! :'''Gypsy''': I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- ''[to Crow]'' Hey; nice butt! :''[Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]'' :'''Servo''': I can comfort you, I can- :'''Joel''': What's going on here? :'''Servo''': Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator! :'''Joel''': No, I'm not! :'''Servo''': Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia! :'''Joel''': You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. ''[Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music]'' Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! ''[unplugs Cambot in irritation]'' '''Who's next?!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]'' :'''Winky's Mom''': ''[after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house]'' Winky! Telephone! :'''Winky''': ''[flustered]'' Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over! :'''Winky's Mom''': What?! :'''Servo''': ''[shocked]'' Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[after Joel cuts the communication from Winky]'' You think we were a little too hard on him? :'''Joel''': Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 1 (short) ==== :''[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, here comes [[w:Nosferatu|Nurse-feratu]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An elderly [[w:Steve Hardy|Dr. Steve Hardy]] appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, he was old even then! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Steve Hardy explains what a hiatus hernia is to a patient]'' The body sees the hernia as a series of ones and zeroes. ==== Manhunt in Space (movie) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots riff over the opening credits, briefly addressing casting director Bill Tinsman]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Tin Man (America song)|Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have]]. :'''Crow''': ''[of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl]'' I wanted to '''''hoerl''''' after I read the screenplay. ''[Servo makes fake retching noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! It's the [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|MST3K]] logo! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[aside]'' Uh, you're not supposed to know about that... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, uh... ''[whistles innocently.]''{{hnote|Oh, geez! Tom Servo just broke the 4th Wall!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky expresses concern for Vena after she hasn't contacted the Ranger team back, while Winky lounges back with a magazine]'' :'''Winky''': Vena's just still on her vacation; as for me, just let me relax with my little black book and the gay nightlife. :'''Joel''': ''[briefly taken aback]'' Ah; insert joke here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky Jones and Bobby are discussing the Cold Light technology they plan to use on their journey]'' :'''Rocky''': So you already know from the Professor. :'''Bobby''': Yes, we discussed it; and I offered him my opinion on it. :'''Rocky''': I'm sure he appreciated that. :'''Bobby''': Cold Light should never be used indiscriminately; the gamma rays would be fatal to anyone near it. :'''Servo''': ''[aside]'' Remember that, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while tag-along kid Space Ranger Bobby is on-screen with Rocky and the others]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Bobby, disgruntled]'' One day, all of you space losers are going to be working for '''''me''''', and I mean it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of Queen Cleolanta]'' Oh; she's angry when she's beautiful! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the evil Queen Cleolanta requests to her subordinate Atlasan to enter the Prah star system to confront Rocky herself]'' :'''Atlasan''': If that is what you wish, your Highness... :'''Queen Cleolanta''': No; it is what I '''''command'''''. :'''Crow''': And we know what weight that carries. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Winky makes a snide remark regarding Vena making him a midnight snack]'' :'''Crow''': Winky thinks it's good to boss around women. He wants it to stay like the 50s forever! :'''Servo''': ''[as Winky]'' I think she likes me! === [[w:Tormented (1960 film)|Tormented]] === :''[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]'' :'''Vi''': Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me! :'''Crow''': Bingo! : . . . :''[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]'' :'''Vi''': Help me! Please, Tom, help me! :'''Servo [as Tom Stewart]''': What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye. :'''Vi''': Save me, Tom, please! :'''Joel''': Well, that's what she gets for railing against him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad. :'''Servo''': Somebody ''kelp'' me! Ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]'' :'''Tom''': Meg's mad at me. :'''Sandy''': She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me! :'''Tom''': O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life. :'''Joel''': Put her down, [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis#Scandal|Jerry Lee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vi''': ''[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer]'' I told you already- no-one will ever have you but '''me'''! :'''Tom''': Stop it, Vi! :'''Vi''': Try me... ''[starts shouting]'' TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME! :'''Joel''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in! :''[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' Let's go bowling. ''[drops the sack down the steps of their building]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Vi, tumbling down the steps]'' T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[exorting demands from Joel, who's hanging from the air ducts and begging for help]'' I wanna be taller than you, and more popular. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, Tom, Crow, do you guys want to--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ''[She sees their disembodied heads and leaves screaming in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey you guys? What in the world happened over there? I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen a ghost or something. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]'' :'''Joel''': It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace! :'''Servo''': Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... [[w:Neil Young|Neil Young]]! === [[w:The Beatniks (film)|The Beatniks]] === :''[Joel is aggressively playing Rock Paper Scissors with the bots]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, I hope you're not playing too tough with those two. :'''Joel''': No, ma'am! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel]'' '''''GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him]'' My achin' noggin... :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins! :'''Joel''': Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning! :'''Servo''': Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse! :'''Crow''': Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there. :'''Gypsy''': Enough, you three! [[w:Freebie_and_the_Bean|Freebie and the Bean are calling.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank demonstrate their Good Luck Troll costumes, as Frank protests]'' :'''Frank''': Can we just get on with this, please? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Shut up, Frank; or I'll let the dog play with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is ''dickweed'' a swear word? :'''Joel/Servo''': ''[at the same time]'' No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no. :'''Servo''': Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed." :''[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]'' :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': Where'd she go man, where'd she go?! :'''Joel''': Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy! :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': I did it for you, Eddie! :'''Joel''': Oh great, he's on moon mode again... :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you! :'''Servo''': That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of. :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's it, That's it! ''[Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]'' ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 2 (short) ==== :'''Ken''': Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]''': Yeah, he's [[w:Harvey (film)|a big rabbit]], you see, there... <hr width=50%> :''[the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"]'' :'''Joel''': Congratulations, you're one second into the film! :'''Crow''': Oh no! The plaster's coming off! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies. :'''Joel''': Booze takes a dull party and makes it better! :'''Tom Servo''': Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds. :'''All singing in unison''': B-double O-Z-E, booze! ''[Crow hiccups]'' ==== The Beatniks (movie) ==== :''[as Eddie and the others rob a shopkeeper at the start of the film]'' :'''Shopkeeper''': Don't you ever rob anybody else?! :'''Eddie''': Sure; but we like you! :'''Joel''': ''[as Iris, sitting in the getaway car]'' I thought they liked me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Moony''': Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. ''[makes a cracking noise and laughs]'' :'''Crow''': I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Leather coat... :'''Servo''': ...Dish of ice cream! :'''Eddie''': ''...duck-bill hair.'' :'''Crow''': ''[as café patron]'' Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here! :'''Eddie''': ''Call me wild...'' :'''Joel''': ...Oscar Wilde! :'''Eddie''': ''...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Anything...'' :'''Joel''': ...Is better than this ''crap!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Moony''': ''I'' killed that fat Barkeep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddie''': ''[recurring line]'' Shut up, Iris. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moony''': I'm gonna '''''moon''''' you!! :'''Crow''': ''[as Moony]'' Y'know, hang my butt out! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Then we can ride [[w:Yoshi|Yoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom]]. === [[w:Fire Maidens from Outer Space|Fire Maidens of Outer Space]] === <div id="CrowSyndrome-FMoOS"> :''[An example of [[w:Crow T. Robot#Crow Syndrome|Crow Syndrome]].]'' <!-- ADDED TO SUPPORT WP Crow T. Robot ARTICLE --> :'''Joel''': Well, anyway, with [[w:double entendre|double entendre]], you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — does this ''TV'' have a ''remote''? Mmmmm!" :'''Servo''': Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — check out the arms on ''this'' jumpsuit!" Right? :'''Joel''': Oh, right on! Woo-hoo! :'''Servo''': All right, yeah! :'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' "As far as ''I'' know, Lincoln's not President any''more''!" :'''Servo''': Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suggestively]'' "She came back from the ''store'' with a bag of apples, and a ''loaf'' of ''bread''!" :'''Joel''': Mmm-mmm-mmm! :'''Crow''': I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—" :'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the dark robot Timmy first appears after Joel and the bots leave the room for first Commercial Sign]'' :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Timmy snarls and attacks Cambot]'' Who are you?! What are you doing here; keep away! '''''Cambot; look out!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''', '''Servo''', '''Crow''' (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as one of the astronauts shoots the monster and it lets out a pained monstrous groan]'' Oh; [it's] [[Frankenstein (1931 film)|Frankenstein]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I question the relevance of this scene. :'''Servo''': I question the relevance of '''''every''''' scene. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the specter-like robot Timmy has trapped Servo in a cocoon on the bridge, while Joel arrives with a broom to hold Timmy back as he attacks Crow]'' :'''Joel''': ''[[Aliens (film)|Let go of him, you bitch]]''! </div> === [[w:Crash of Moons|Crash of Moons]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''':Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you! :'''Gypsy''': Really? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could-- :'''Crow''': Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy? :'''Gypsy''': I can't decide. :'''Crow''': Can't decide? Well maybe this will help. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of "Gypsy Moons", Joel gets annoyed with Crow starting to sing bawdy lyrics and clamps Crow's mouth down]'' :'''Joel''': Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now here's our own Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins with a message. Never again you guys. That's it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram! :'''Bavaro''': Boopie! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[screams as screen cuts to black]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Hi, Bavaro. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 3 (short) ==== :''[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]'' :'''Phil''': And you choose to make a life with Ken? :'''Cynthia''': Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cynthia]''': Sure, [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]'s not anatomically correct, but… ==== Crash of Moons (movie) ==== :''[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]'' :'''Rocky''': ''[cadence-calling]'' Hup, 2, 3, 4! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Rocky]''': We are in a crappy film… :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Men]''': We are in a crappy film… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]'' :'''Rocky''': They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon. :'''Cleolanta''': They will tell ''me'' where to take ''my'' people?! :'''Rocky''': No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. :'''Joel, Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:I Only Have Eyes For You|For yooooou!]] === [[w:The Eye Creatures|Attack of the the Eye Creatures]] === :''[Upon seeing the misspelling in the film's title]'' :'''Joel''': ''Attack of the '''the''' Eye Creatures''? What, did [[w:Mel Tillis|Mel Tillis]] write these titles? <hr width="50%"/> :''[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]'' :'''Air Force Officer''': Now take off! :'''Joel''':[[w:Bob and Doug McKenzie|...to the great White North!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harold's Girlfriend''': Ooh, Harold! :'''Servo [as Harold]''': [[Harold and Maude|Ooh, Maude!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Susan''': What if we turned ourselves in to the police? :'''Servo [as Stan]''': Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' I've got Sammy Davis eyes! ''[a la [[w:Rip Taylor|Rip Taylor]]]'' I've got a million of them! Literally! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]'' :'''Joel''': Now why doesn't that work with relatives? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]'' <!-- PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE THE FOLLOWING QUOTE GROUP, AS IT IS REFERENCED IN Wikipedia article "The Eye Creatures". --> :'''Crow''': The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having ''no'' spoken language and ''no particular powers'' with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. : . . . :'''Joel''': Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. : . . . :'''Crow''': If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply ''draped casually over his shoulders'' and should be no trouble to knock off! ''[...]'' Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his ''Jack Purcell athletic shoes!'' Folks, they just did not care! === [[w:The Rebel Set|The Rebel Set]] === :'''Servo''': ''[in terror as Joel reads [[w:H. Jackson Brown, Jr.|Life's Little Instruction Book]] to him and Crow]'' [[Apocalypse Now|The humor; the humor!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[slowly]'' "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?" :'''Joel''': Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be: according to Merritt Stone. :'''Servo''': ''[offscreen]'' HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE! ==== Johnny at the Fair (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny's car rolled and burned. :'''Narrator''': There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India. :'''Joel''': Simulated culture like [[w:Walt Disney World|Disney World]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': "No, Johnny," says Mom, "we're going to the art gallery." :'''Servo [as Mom]''': And you'll ''like'' it! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': No! I don't wanna go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Besides, the [[w:Seattle Mariners|Mariners]] are playing, so who cares? :'''Narrator''': Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, [[w:Joe Louis|Joe Louis]]. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is watching a performing horse show, as the judges' winning pick and her foal trot around]'' :'''Servo''': And Johnny transmogrifies; he's a shapeshifter! And he breaks the Fourth Seal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland". :'''Joel''': Oh, we've all been there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is shown walking around the fairgrounds]'' :'''Servo''': Johnny feels dark hands pressing him onward; the voices in his head get meaner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]'' :'''Joel''': Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]'' :'''Narrator''': Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]'' :'''Narrator''': "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!" :'''Servo''': What? :'''Narrator''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Visions of the [[w:Mekong Delta|Mekong Delta]] flash before Johnny's eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Champion figure skater [[w:Barbara Ann Scott|Barbara Ann Scott]] gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Narrator''': Johnny ''does'' find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny thinks [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]] seems like a nice lady. ==== The Rebel Set (movie) ==== :'''John Mapes''': ''[introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl]'' Look, Kate, I am a gentleman. :'''"Kate"''': ''That I'll try.'' :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted]'' Oh, great; another oily unlikable character! :'''John Mapes''': I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again! :'''"Kate"''': ''So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman.'' :'''Servo''': It's Ms. Hathaway! :'''"Kate"''': ''And if no gentleman, why then no arm?'' :'''John Mapes''': A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books! :'''"Kate"''': ''Ha-ha, what is your crest?'' ''[loops]'' ''A coxcomb? A coxcomb?'' :'''Servo''': ''[alongside the loop]'' A Henry Miller. :'''Joel''': ''[as Mapes shuts off the record]'' Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen]'' :'''Servo''': You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- ''[[w:The Giant Gila Monster|I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing...]]'' :'''Crow and Joel''': Oh no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Invader''': ''[whilst reciting beat poetry]'' Smell, oh nostrils; hear, oh ears... :'''Cafe Patron's Husband''': ''[sarcastically while clapping]'' Bravo, old Majesty! :'''King Invader''': ''[in a bitterly sardonic tone]'' Thank you, old square... :'''Joel''': Hey, that would be a good phrase to use on someone who's not very hip. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cafe Patron''': ''[to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving]'' King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart. :'''Crow''': ''[as patron]'' My husband's very hip at home! :'''King Invader''': ''[short pause]'' I am bugged...! :'''Joel''': God of facial hair! :'''King Invader''': ...beyond recall! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after thwarting Tucker's double crossing over the ownership of the heist money, John Mapes willingly surrenders to the police, leaving his wife Jeanne behind as the film ends]'' :'''Servo''': So, uh... all this happened because Johnny got lost in the fair? === [[w:The Human Duplicators|The Human Duplicators]] === :''[The title screen displays the title backwards...]'' :'''Crow''': ''Eht Numah Srotacilpud''! :''[...then "duplicates" it normally.]'' :'''Crow''': ...Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gale''': So say something! :'''Crow [as Martin]''': "Something!" :'''Martin''': "Something." :'''Crow''': ''D'oh!'' ...Got riffback on that one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Neat! :''[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. :''[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Do I really look like that? :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:I Sing the Body Electric!|I sing the Body Pathetic!]] Heh. :''[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh… I think you need more toner! :''[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]'' :'''Crow''': Heh heh heh. Heh! ''Hunan'' Duplicators! :'''Joel''': Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? :'''Crow''': Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— :'''Joel''': Oh, that's enough. :'''Crow''': Oh, don't hit me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Welles (played by [[w:Hugh Beaumont|Hugh Beaumont]]) answers his phone.]'' :'''Welles''': Welles here. :'''Crow [as Welles/[[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]]]''': The boys did ''what''? They duplicated Lumpy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]'' :'''Crow [as Welles]''': There's somethin' plastic about that guy... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kolos, played by [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]], "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]'' :'''Servo [as Kolos]''': I'm huge. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]'' :'''Servo [as the Professor, quickly]''': Oh my God, you're huge. === [[w:Monster a Go-Go|Monster a Go-Go]] === ==== Circus on Ice (short) ==== :''[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]'' :'''Joel''': You got your circus on my ice! :'''Crow''': Hey, you got your ice on my circus! :'''Servo''': Two bad things that go worse together! :''[Referencing a [[w:Reese%27s_Peanut_Butter_Cups|Reese's Peanut Butter Cups]] ad campaign.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in response to a clown on screen]'' Woah, seen him in my nightmares... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: These two girls, they make quite a pair. :: They both come from your worst night-mare. :: They will haunt your soul forever, :: And now, ::: When you see pink, ::: You're gonna think, :: "We're doomed". :: They are agents of Satan... :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, stop it, Tom... <hr width='50%'/> :''[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]'' :'''Servo''': We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice! :. . . :'''Narrator''': And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts! :'''Servo''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Uh-''huh...'' :. . . :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune|Prelude to the afternoon of a ''murder'']]. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Child]''': Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... ''[gulps]'' I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home! :'''Servo [as Mother]''': Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's ''fun''! :. . . :'''Joel''': Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ...and kills them. ==== Monster a Go-Go (movie) ==== :''[Over the film's title]'' :'''Servo''': ''Monster A Go-Go''? I thought this was gonna be ''[[w:Munster Go Home|Munster Go Home]]''! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one. :'''Crow''': Oh, it might not be too bad... :'''Servo''': No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... :'''Crow''': ''[sighs indignantly]'' C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits! :'''Joel''': No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad. :'''Crow''': Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate. :'''Servo''': It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here. :'''Joel''': Yeah, we might as well face up to it... :'''Crow''': Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything ''now'', but... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' The Other Th? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... ''[deflating]'' This is gonna ''suck''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]'' :'''Joel [as Dr. Logan]''': That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]'' :'''Dr. Brent''': Why didn't you tell us then? :'''Dr. Logan''': I don't know. I was trying to help. :'''Servo''': ''[whining]'' I was just trying to help. :'''Dr. Brent''': Help? You've jeopardized this whole project! :'''Dr. Logan''': What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours! :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I'm only a scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster walks towards a group of sunbathing women]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as the monster]'' Hi I'm from the boy's camp across the lake, our backup generator exploded. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in disbelief]'' Unbelievable... :''[Servo bursts out into laughter]'' :'''Dr. Logan''': Hello? ''[A pause]'' Yes? :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I made that phone noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Connors]''': ''[makes a fart noise]'' What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': "Oops". :'''Narrator''': ..."radiation". :'''Servo''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the ending of the film as the monster seemingly vanishes without a trace]'' :'''Narrator''': As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked; as if some phantom force in the universe made a move eons beyond our comprehension... :'''Servo''': As if we '''''care'''''. === [[w:Sampo (film)|The Day the Earth Froze]] === :''[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': We are ''going'' to get a nice picture of this family if it ''kills'' us. Crow, where are those nice pants I bought you? :'''Crow''': I don't know. :'''Crow''': You can't walk around wearing a sports coat without your nice pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, the light meter, Joel! ''[Joel realizes too late and the photo doesn't turn out well right as he reaches for it.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel:''' Well to be honest, everybody, we don't know what a Sampo is. :'''Crow:''' Not a clue. :'''Servo''': If ''you'' know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, throw it away and then try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did. :'''All:''' Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Gypsy takes the stage wearing a coat]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy! :'''Joel''': Here we go! :'''Crow''': Ssshh! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud]'' :'''Gypsy''': Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :''[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath]'' "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you. :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud again. Gypsy takes off her pink dress, revealing a golden sparkling outfit.]'' :'''Gypsy''': "I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you. :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily]'' You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again]'' :'''Joel & Servo''': Yay! :'''Gypsy''': Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me! ==== Here Comes the Circus (short) ==== :''[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Heeere'' comes the ''[[w:Devil|Devil]]''! :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Beelzebub|Beezlebub]] the Clown! :'''Joel''': Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. :''[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]'' :'''Crow''': And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It's [[w:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]], with his electric child! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]'' :'''Servo''': Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War. :'''Joel''': Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band? :'''Servo''': Oops. :'''Crow''': Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't '''begin''' to understand! :'''Crow''': [[w:Nazi salute|Sieg heil! Sieg heil]]! :'''Joel''': Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up? :'''Servo''': How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan. :'''Joel''': That's better. :'''Crow''': It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. ''[chuckles]'' No buttons. :'''Servo''': Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. :''[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Emmett Kelly. :'''Servo''': That's good. :'''Joel''': No, it really is. :'''Servo''': Whatever, Joel. :''[As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Liza Minnelli|Liza]]! :''[A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hellraiser|HELLRAISER!]]! NO!!! :''[The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]'' :'''Joel''': See? Emmett changed management soon after this. :''[Shot of the crowd cheering]'' :'''Crow [as crowd]''': We love it when he eats! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a trapeze artist swings]'' :'''Joel''': It's a living! :'''Crow''': Mother, please come home! :'''Servo''': Yes, our Betty [[w:Bisexuality|swings both ways]]! :'''Joel''': Oh, stop it! :'''Servo''': She does! Look! :'''Joel''': Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right. :'''Crow''': This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]'' :'''Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]''': Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking! :'''Crow''': Women who love too much and the feet that use them. :'''Servo''': This one's on the rebound. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]'' :'''Crow''': The act was outlawed on several continents! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's [[w:The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat|the man who mistook his wife for a hat]]! :. . . :'''Crow''': Flipped her off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy! :'''Servo''': ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Store this image away for a later nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Old Man]''': I invented that move. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kid]''': Yeah, right. :'''Joel''': Levi's loose fitting clown jeans. :''[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow gasps]'' Huh? ''Oh, no! No, no'' — they're doing it ''clown''-style! No! :''[One clown spanks, sweeps and smacks the other's behind with a hand broom.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah! And Madonna thinks ''she's'' innovative! :'''Joel''': Oh, please tell me this isn't happening... Oh, no... :''[They continue to complain and mumble "no" repeatedly as one clown hits the other's behind with their foot and then with a mallet.]'' :'''Crow [as Clown]''': More, more, I'm a ''bad'' clown! Ha ha ha ha! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': High above the crowd, [[w:Dag Hammarskjöld|Dag Hammarskjöld]] takes to the trapeze! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Hank Kimball's brought in. :'''Crow [as Hank Kimball]''': Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A clown rings a bell.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, [[w:C. Everett Koop|C. Everett Kook]]! :''[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]'' :'''Narrator''': Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history! :'''Crow''': [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]'s relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted. :'''Servo [as clown]''': Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo! :'''Joel''': This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen. :'''Servo''': You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play. :'''Joel''': Oh. It's a full contact ''[[w:Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (film)|Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?]]''! :'''Crow [as Richard Burton]''': Don't talk about our clown, Martha. :''[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]'' :'''Crow''': '''KITTIES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As trapeze artists fly through the air]'' :'''Joel''': I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right? :. . . :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today! :'''Servo''': Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing... :'''Crow [as trapeze artist]''': Party in Susan's dressing room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': A rouge elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie. :'''Servo''': NOW who's getting dark? Hehe, I like it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Joel''': Ah, my favorite part of the circus. ==== The Day the Earth Froze (movie) ==== :''[As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.]'' :'''Narrator''': Long ago, :'''Joel''': ...they're [[w:Golem|Golem.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]'' :'''Servo [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:Surfin' USA|If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...]] :'''Crow [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:California Girls|I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]'' :'''Louhi, the witch''': Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again. :'''Crow''': Can we see the other parts? :'''Servo''': Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]'' :'''Ilmarinen''': With this wool, will I clothe you! :'''Servo [as Ilmarinen]''': With these teeth, will you bite me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]'' :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, the [[w:Black Moses (album)|Swedish Moses of Soul!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Bullwinkle]''': Will somebody please put me out? I seem to be on fire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]'' :'''Louhi''': Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo? :'''Joel''': Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Villager]''': Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Villager]''': Yah, it's really too bad. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Villager]''': No Sampo, eh? Bummer. :'''Servo [as Villager]''': Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. :''[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]'' :'''Crow [as Villager]''': I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! :''[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]'' :'''Servo [as Villager]''': He failed to bring back the Sampo! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! :'''Servo [as Villager]''': We shall die of starvation! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]'' :'''Joel''': What is this, [[w:Stalag 17|"Stalag 17: The Musical?"]] === [[w:Bride of the Monster|Bride of the Monster]] === ==== Hired! Part 1 (short) ==== :''[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the [[w:George H. W. Bush|''Bush'' administration]]. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, the sequel is ''Hired 2: Laid Off''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Hmm? What in the ''world''? Assault with a deadly weapon?! :'''Crow [as Warren]''': AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?! :'''Joel [as Warren]''': What? He got a D in trigonometry? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': I'd fire him if he weren't my son. :''[Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Are you there, Lord? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hello, wall. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it. :''[Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car! :'''Joel''': Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': If I could read, I'd know what the problem is. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]' :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[[in a whisper]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I hope I don't get fired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I got a job today. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm selling Chevrolets. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm bringing home good pay. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I just got hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Yeah, me! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's selling Chevrolets. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' We're gonna get awnings. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's bringing home good pay. :'''Joel''': [singing] I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Maybe even dessert :'''Joel''': [singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He just got hired! HIRED! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' I was wondering if you’d like to see my- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' But I really think you should see my- :'''Servo''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' It’s got a lovely- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' And if only you would- :'''Crow''': No! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Come on and have some lemonade! ==== Bride of the Monster (movie) ==== :''[Lobo ([[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]]) scares away two hunters during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]'' :'''Crow''': Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': ''[as he's strapped to an operating table]'' What are you doing to me?.. :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': you're gonna be [[w:Myra Breckinridge|Myra Breckinridge.]] :'''Dr. Vornoff''': You will soon be as big as giant, :'''Crow''': But it's not covered by his insurance. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': with the strength of twenty men, :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Give or take a few. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Or-- :'''Servo [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': --Not. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Like all the others; dead. :''[As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony]'' :'''Crow [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Oops! :''[As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine]'' :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Well, so much for the giant theory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Janet''': ''[As Lobo knocks Dick Craig unconscious.]'' DICK! :'''Crow''': ''[as Janet]'' Uh, no, Duck! Damn, I said that wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the mutated Dr. Vornoff fatally electrocutes Lobo by shoving him into a control panel, Janet screams as Vornoff grabs her and takes her away]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Green Acres|You are my wife]]! :'''Servo''': ''[high-pitched voice]'' [[w:Green Acres|Goodbye, City Life]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick horror and dismay.]'' :'''Joel ''': Well, calamari, anybody? :'''Servo''': That was ''one'' unstable octopus. :'''Joel [as Capt. Robbins]''': Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me. :'''Servo [as Capt. Robbins]''': Wait, how did he do that? :'''Capt. Robbins''': ''[solemnly]'' He tampered in God's domain. :'''Crow''': Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight. :''[the credits get shown]'' :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Joel''': Mhm. :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Crow''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Loser. ''[Joel and Crow laugh]'' [[w:Harvey B. Dunn|Harvey B. Loser]]. George Bec-loser. [[w:Paul Marco|Paul Loser Marco]]. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. [[w:Bud Osborne|Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne]]. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... ''[they get up to leave]'' :'''Crow''': But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer? :'''Servo''': The drunk was ''real'' good. :'''Crow''': Oh, yeah! === [[w:Manos: The Hands of Fate|Manos: The Hands of Fate]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[introducing the movie]'' Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: '''"Manos": The Hands of Fate''', served with a short: the stirring conclusion to ''Hired!''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! ==== Hired! Part 2 (short) ==== :''[The short begins]'' :'''Crow''': Previously on "Hired!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! :'''Mr. Warren''': Sales are the most important thing in this business. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all. :'''Mr. Warren''': We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': But first — martinis! :'''Mr. Warren''': Jimmy, I want to talk with you first. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': 'Cause you've got the most problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]'' :'''Mr. Warren''': I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls. :'''Jimmy''': Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together. :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Warren''': ''[instructing his employees of what his old collegaues Harry had him do]'' I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me- :'''Crow''': ''[as Warren]'' -was Harry! ''[Joel scoffs at Crow]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]'' :'''Joel''': Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]'' :'''Joel [as [[w:Joseph McCarthy|Senator McCarthy]]&thinsp;]''': Are you now, or have you ever been, a [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] owner? ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right? :'''Joel''': No, actually, it's more like a minute. :'''Servo''': ''[stunned]'' ...No. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]'' :'''Servo''': I guess they picked up [[w:Shirley Bassey|Shirley Bassey]] hitchhiking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[w:Brigadoon|Brigadoon]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]'' :'''Joel''': Ah… that's not how you wear your [[w:Depends|Depends]], Torgo. :'''Crow''': Been hitting the [[w:Thighmaster|Thighmaster]], Torgo? : . . . :'''Servo''': Like having [[w:Joe Cocker|Joe Cocker]] as your bellhop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]'' :'''Joel [as Michael]''': Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Debbie walks around with the Master's dog]'' :'''Crow [as Debbie]''': It's a devil and it's fun! :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]'' :'''Crow [as The Master]''': What was I thinking? :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Women who lunch. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': And the Manos who love them — next [[w:Phil Donahue|Donahue]]. : . . . :'''Joel''': You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos. :'''Servo''': ...and now, back to We Married Manos! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, the talks broke down at this point. :'''Servo''': Looks like the [[w:Federal Assembly of Russia|Russian Parliament]]. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Next on [[w:ESPN|ESPN]], full contact nightgown wrestling! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Designing Women|Designing Women]]'', the lost episodes. :'''Servo [as Prof. Canning]''': And now, [[w:list of Monty Python's Flying Circus episodes#11. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom|the Manos Women's Guild will reenact]] the Battle of [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]]. :'''Joel''': You know, this was the alternate ending to ''[[w:Beaches (movie)|Beaches]]''. :'''Crow''': I see London, I see France, I see ''everybody's'' underpants! : . . . :'''Servo''': You know, this isn't ''[[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]''. I ''like'' it, but it isn't ''Lysistrata''! : . . . :'''Joel''':You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]] breakup. : . . . :'''Servo''': I'm guessing ''this'' is the whole reason this movie was made. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Master''': Silence! :'''Joel''': Is golden! :'''The Master''': ''Silence!'' :'''Joel''': ''Is golden!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' ''DO SOMETHING!!!'' God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master points towards someting off-screen]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dramatically]'' Pull my finger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the [[w:Copacabana|Copacabana]], Jules Bedel proudly presents: [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]] and [[w:Tricia Nixon|Tricia Nixon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "[[w:Smoke on the Water|Smoke on the Water]]"]'' Smoke on the weirdo… :'''Crow [as Bela Lugosi]''': Come here. :'''Joel''': The new Pope has not been chosen. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master spreads his arms, revealing the hands on his cape.]'' :'''Crow''': I wish those hands would just push him over! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Joel''': Meanwhile, in Toledo... :'''Servo''': No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself? :. . . :'''Crow''': This must be a weekly series. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the end credits roll...]'' :'''Crow''': Crew? They had a crew!? I do ''not'' believe they had a crew! :'''Joel''': Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch. :'''Servo''': Where to start? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]'' :'''Crow''': The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer! :'''Joel''': No. Always wonder. :''[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]'' :'''Servo''': COME ON! :''[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here! :'''Joel''': We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate. :''[They leave the theater.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]'' :'''Frank''': Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm! :''[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]'' :'''Torgo''': They always do that! == Season 5 == === [[w:Warrior of the Lost World|Warrior of the Lost World]] === :'''Nastasia''': Do you want survival? :'''Joel [as [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]]]''': Sure, we all do! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]'' :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that! <hr width="50%"/> :''["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': She's got a Lady Hemingway! {{hnote|Combining the names of the ''Lady Remington'' electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john. === [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]] === :''[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Attack of the Mary Martins! {{hnote|One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules is choking a lion.]'' :'''Joel [as lion]''': Aww, Herc, I was kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]'' :'''Joel [as a cavalry man]''': Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through]'' :'''Crow''': There will be patches of scattered god today. === [[w:Swamp Women|Swamp Diamonds]] === ==== What to Do on a Date (short) ==== :''[The titles appear.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I need to know what ''not'' to do on a date! Hahaha! :''[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What, she has a Ph.D. in dating? :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': Oh no, this is like having your ''mom'' talk to you about sex! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nick''': Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you? :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How many ways can I say "no"?! :'''Kay''': Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to ''very'' much. :'''Crow [as Kay]''': Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave? : . . . :'''Nick''': I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a ''date''. :'''Joel [as Nick]''': … with a loser like me. :'''Nick''': Where's my racket? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': I should spank myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]'' :'''Joel''': Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': How does Jeff get ideas like that? :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': From the voices inside his head. :''[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]'' :'''Narrator''': Wait a minute, maybe ''this'' is where Jeff gets his ideas! :'''Joel''': The lunch menu? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Ice cream? I love this party! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Had this been an actual date, [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|you would have been instructed where to go]]. ==== Swamp Diamonds (movie) ==== :''[During one of the many, many girl fights.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland's]] bra! I have seen the Promised Land! === [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|Secret Agent Super Dragon]] === :''[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]'' :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He ''smokes'', carries a ''gun'', and... ''[deflating]'' makes a lot of... phone calls... === [[w:Sadko (film)|The Magic Voyage of Sinbad]] === :''[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as someone in the crowd]''': [[w:Blazing Saddles|Howard Johnson is right!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': It's noon and he's still [[w:filibuster|filibustering!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]'' :'''Crow''': They're test-marketing [[w:Crystal Pepsi|Crystal Pepsi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]'' :'''Crow''': They look like the [[w:Knights who say Ni|Knights Who Say "Ni!"]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It seems as if everybody who's anybody is here tonight. :'''Crow''': That's because they knew you'd be wearing that dress. Wow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[laughing a little too hard]'' We were wondering... what would ''you'' do if Sinbad came to your town? ''[laughs again]'' Wouldn't you want the city council to do something about it? Let's watch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': That wasn't Sinbad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': WHO ARE YOU!?!? === [[w:Eegah|Eegah!]] === :''[Roxy walks up to her little car.]'' :'''Crow [as Roxy]''': Taxi! ...Oh, I drove. :. . . :'''Servo''': Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse. <hr width="50%"> :''[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely [[w:Arch Hall, Jr.|Arch Hall, Jr.]], looks up.]'' :'''[[w:Crow|Crow]]''': ''Honk'' if you love Eegah! :'''Tommy''': Hi, Roxie! :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tommy]''': Sorry about my face!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': He's wearing corrective everything! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]'' :'''Tommy''': Roxie! It's me, Tom! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Roxie]''': That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]'' :'''Dr. Miller''': He left the road right here. :'''Dr. Miller''': ''[ [[w:Automated dialogue replacement|dubbed voiceover]] ]'' Watch out for snakes! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Who said that?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, it looks like it hurts to be him. :'''Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]''': Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]'' :'''Joel''': I figured it out, he looks like the bat from ''[[w:FernGully: The Last Rainforest|FernGully]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]'' :'''Roxie''': Um... how do you do? :'''Crow [as corpse]''': I'm really, really dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel. :'''Crow''': That purse will be the death of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as Eegah]''': ''[singing]'' Red roses for a blue ladyyyy... :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[in unison]'' [[w:Hooked on a Feeling|'''EE'''GAH SHUCKA! '''EE'''GAH! '''EE'''GAH!]] :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I can't stop this feelin'... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a dress store]'': :'''Crow''': It's Frederick's of Maplewood. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': ''The Loretta Young Show''! :''[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]''': Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! ''[chuckles]'' Why not stick around and watch ''Dream On''? It's the ''breast'' show on TV! ''[to Joel]'' Kill me. === [[w:I Accuse My Parents|I Accuse My Parents]] === :'''Joel''': Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project? :'''Gypsy''': Mm-hmm. :'''Tom Servo''': Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh? :'''Joel''': Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... . :''[Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings]'' :'''Servo''': Huh. :'''Crow''': That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww! :'''Gypsy''': Ooh! :'''Crow ''': I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path! :'''Gypsy''': Ahh... . :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache? :'''Crow''': Uh... .I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see here. ''[writes]'' "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this? :''[Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them]'' :'''Servo''': Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass. :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom? :'''Servo''': I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see... . ''[writes]'' "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." ''[aside whisper]'' Man should be in a straitjacket! ''[addresses Gypsy]'' Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one? :''[Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead]'' :''Gypsy''': Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God? :'''Gypsy''': I dunno. :'''Crow''': Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots? :'''Joel''': Um... .I don't know. :''[Short but awkward silence]'' :'''Joel''': I'm kidding, of course. :''[Commercial sign]'' :'''Joel''': We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[sing-song, about Jimmy's whole decision process in the movie]'' Jim's crazy- :'''Crow''': '''And''' stupid. :'''Servo''': -crazy for accusing his par~ents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh well, We'll have to take it from the top. ==== The Truck Farmer (short) ==== :''[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]'' :'''Joel''': Easter Bunny films presents... :'''Servo''': "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences. :'''Crow''': Wonder if they sold this film door to door? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Most of us think that these people were really free... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': But they were just stupid! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]'' :'''Crow''': Aah! It's [[w:Killdozer! (film)|Killdozer!]] [[w:Clint Walker|Clint Walker]], no! :'''Servo''': Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares? :'''Crow [as driver]''': Stupid trees! God, I hate them. :'''Joel''': Early [[w:tractor pulling|tractor pulls]], not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition. :'''Crow''': Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes. :'''Servo''': The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the ''[[w:Speed Racer|Speed Racer]]'' theme]'' :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer, go! : . . . :'''Servo''': There's something you don't see every day. :'''Joel''': What's that? :'''Servo''': A farmer with all his limbs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]'' :'''Servo''': Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]'' :'''Narrator''': A complicated system of irrigation is used. :'''Joel''': Oh, real ''complicated''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help. :'''Crow''': They make it sound so nice! : . . . :''[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The carrots are washed first. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're made flavorless so people will buy steak! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Some carrots are frozen. :'''Crow''': Some carrots are humiliated publicly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem... :'''Crow''': Texans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]'' :'''Narrator''': The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Later, this device is used to beat back the workers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]'' :'''Joel''': Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet? ==== I Accuse My Parents (movie) ==== :''[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corporation) logo...]'' :'''Servo''': Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:John_Bradshaw_%28author%29|John Bradshaw]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the title sequence]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Jimmy's trial...]'' :'''Jimmy''': Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor... :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': ...but I'm [[w:Esther Rolle|Esther Rolle]]! :'''Jimmy''': But... I accuse my parents! :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Servo''': Yes! We have a title! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie]'' Liar! Liar! Liar! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kitty''': ''[singing]'' Are you happy... :'''Crow''': Define "happy!" :'''Kitty''': ...In your work... :'''Joel''': Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]'' :'''Kitty''': You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Eighteen, after taxes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]'' :'''Servo [as Kitty]''': If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now! :'''Crow''': I accuse her hair! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty singing another song, while internally still thinking about Jimmy]'' :'''Kitty''': Why did you leave me? :'''Joel''': You told him to! :'''Kitty''': Please, hear my plea- :'''Servo''': '''Not guilty'''! :'''Kitty''': -Where can you be? :'''Crow''': The audience is frankly stunned. === [[w:O.K. Connery|Operation Double 007]] === :''[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of [[w:Neil Connery|Neil Connery]]...]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' He gets his haircut on Tuesdays! :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' He prefers stuffing to potatoes! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' His favorite movie is ''[[w:Turner and Hooch|Turner and Hooch]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on the S.O.L. bridge, Joel dresses like a Bond villain, as the Bots dress as his henchmen]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, it's time for my daily back rub; who's going to do the honors? :'''Servo''': Joel, none of us having working arms. :'''Joel''': '''''I know'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]'' :'''Mr. Thayer''': Everything will go on, as if nothing happened. :'''Joel''': Nothing ''has'' happened... === [[w:The Girl in Lovers Lane|The Girl in Lovers Lane]] === :''[Singing to the opening credits theme]'' :'''Servo''': The Girl in Lover's Lane... :'''Crow''': With [[w:Jack Elam|Jack Elam]], not [[w: Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera view pans directly in front of an oncoming train]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, Camera 3, get off the track. Camera 3, oh dear God- ''[the train zooms forward while Joel and the bots scream in shock, and it smash cuts to commercial break]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]'' :'''Danny''': I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat. :'''Bix''': That's a good idea. :'''Servo [as Bix]''': You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you. :''[The two enter a diner.]'' :'''Joel [as Danny]''': We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat? :'''Crow [as Bix]''': Shut up, Danny. :'''Joel [as Danny]''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]''': ''[singing]'' :: The 5:15 from Duluth, :: Oh my! It just derailed! :: The toxic waste is spillin', :: The conductor's been impaled. :: A benzene cloud has risen :: And the whole town's startin' to cough. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to the beat]'' [cough, cough] … [cough, cough] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' :: Within a matter of day-eeez, :: All of our skin will fall off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]'' :'''Bathing Woman''': ''[to Bix]'' Are you in the right room now? :'''Servo''': ''[as Bix]'' Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life! :'''Crow''': ''[as Bix]'' If this room is '''wrong''', I don't wanna be '''''right'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carrie's delivery man/stalker Jesse is unnerving her at the diner, and Bix decides to confront him]'' :'''Jesse''': I want the girl (Carrie). :'''Bix''': I told you, she's busy. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jesse]'' Well, can you put on a dress and say "May I help you?" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Robot Monster|To live like the E-lam...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]'' :'''Crow''': Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom. . . . :'''Servo''': See, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood! :'''Crow''': ''[aside to Servo]'' (To) Florida (actually). :'''Servo''': ...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home. :'''Crow''': Now '''that's''' a better ending! === [[w:The Painted Hills|The Painted Hills]] === ==== Body Care and Grooming (short) ==== :''[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV announcer]''': Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]'' :'''Narrator''': Ah, spring! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Filthy, shameful spring! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, people were ''whiter'' back then. :'''Narrator''': When a young man's fancy lightly turns to... :'''Crow''': Underpants. :'''Narrator''': ...Love. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of slovenly girl.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair! :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I ''like'' her hair! :'''Narrator''': And that blouse! :'''Crow''': ''[lasciviously]'' I'm looking, I'm looking! :... :''[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]'' :'''Narrator''': Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being! :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' You know, make him want to ''grope'' you and ''paw'' at you! :. . . :''[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Those... n-nose. :. . . :'''Crow''': We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it! :''[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]'' :'''Crow [as young man]''': Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]'' :'''Narrator''': Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes— :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Is immoral. :'''Narrator''': —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous. :'''Crow''': Expressing individualism is just plain ''wrong''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles. :'''Crow''': Skin sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': One of these is cleansing cream. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': One of these is [[w:Nitric acid|nitric acid]]. Choose wisely. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]'' :'''Narrator''': And so... the end of a perfect day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': An entire day spent grooming. : . . . :'''Narrator''': And you... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Jezebel! :'''Narrator''': ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And remember—when you [[w:Masturbation|touch yourself]], the saints cry. Goodnight. :''[As we fade out...]'' :'''Joel''': KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! :'''Crow''': You're next! :''[A few more names appear]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let's not forget ''these guys''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow. :'''Crow''': I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You. :'''Gypsy''': Tom Servo, :'''Servo''': Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you, :'''Gypsy''': And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict. :'''Joel''': Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right. :'''Crow''': Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right! :'''Servo''': Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue. :'''Joel''': Well, how's that? :'''Servo''': A spitting contest! :''[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey! ==== The Painted Hills (movie) ==== :''[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]'' :'''Joel''': Yeah, I'm afraid ''we're'' gonna be true bored men after this... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Now, is this the real Old West, or the [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] Old West where they had electricity and cars? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan''': Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked! :'''Crow [as Jonathan]''': But enough vernacular... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Taylor''': Never mind the dog, Tommy... :'''Servo [as Taylor]''': [[w:Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols|Here's the Sex Pistols]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]'' :'''Servo''': How did that corral get there?<br> :'''Crow''': They used [[w:CorelDRAW|CorelDraw]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mount Rushmore]]!...Before it was built. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]'' :'''Joel [as Taylor]''': Well, looks like the montage finally blew over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]'' :'''Crow''': So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Shep]''': SNAUSAGES! === [[w:Gunslinger (film)|Gunslinger]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera]'' Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland]] in her pre-[[w:Scarecrow and Mrs. King|Dotty]] period. :'''TV's Frank''': Beverly Garland. ''[growls, but is cut off by another scan]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. ''[turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]'' [[Die Hard|Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[As the criminals start moving]'' Ah, cue the horses! :'''Crow''': ''[Under his breath]'' Corman... :'''Servo''': ''[As the criminals stop]'' Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar. :'''Servo''': Oh, they hadn't invented that yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]'' :'''Crow''': Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall! :'''Cain''': Crazy coming up in here... :'''Joel [as Cain]''': ...in my hallway here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cain''': Only the good die young. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]'' :'''Joel [as Polk]''': Draw, er... wait a sec! :''[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork]'' :'''Crow''': ''[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of [[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]]'' Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores! :'''Servo''': Doo-doo, do-do-do! ''[scene switches to Cain aiming his gun]'' ...the hell? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]'' :'''Cain''': ''[drunkenly]'' You got brown eyes... :'''Servo [as Cain]''': ''[drunkenly]'' An' you got a neck. :. . . :'''Servo [as Cain]''': Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers! === [[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]] === :''[The character of [[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike Nelson]] has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in [[w:Deep 13|Deep 13]].]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Here it is. ''[[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]]'', starring [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] :'''Mike Nelson''': You guys watch ''Joe Don Baker'' movies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, here it comes, Joel — ''Mitchell''! It's a… [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|super secret spy]]… uh, has [[w:The Sidehackers|a motorcycle]]… [[w:Marooned (film)|marooned in space]]… meets… [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]]… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a [[w:Disco|disco]] beat.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Isaac Hayes]''': [[Shaft (1971 film)#Theme song|Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Mitchell! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': That Mitchell is one fat s— :'''Joel, Crow''': Shut yo' mouth! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Ee-gah... :'''Crow''': Shtemlo. :'''Joel''': [[w:Eegah|Watch out for snakes!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|We've]] [[w:How Not to Be Seen|hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture]]... :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Mitchell, will you stand up, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]'' :'''Benton''': No salesmen at this entrance. :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': But I'm not a salesman! I'm the [[The Thin Blue Line|Chubby Blue Line]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Gates|Daryl Gates]] on his day off. :'''Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]''': He's landed just short of the green. :'''Servo [as Other Golfers]''': Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]'' :'''Joel''': Baby oil! :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': BLAAAARRRGGGHHH! :'''Servo''': ''[vomiting noises]'' :'''Crow''': Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel? :''[In the soundtrack, [[w:Hoyt Axton|Hoyt Axton]] continues to sing the theme song.]'' :'''Axton''': My my my my Mitchell... :'''Crow''': My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': My mother doesn't like you :'''Mitchell''': 'Well, I don't like your mother. :'''Kid''': Why not? :'''Mitchell''': Why not? :'''Kid'''': No, why not? :'''Mitchell''': No, why not? :'''Kid''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Servo''': Tonight on Crossfire. :'''Mitchell''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Kid''': I'm not! :'''Mitchell''': Well ''I'm'' not! :'''Kid''': You are! :'''Mitchell''': Buzz off! :'''Kid''': What? :'''Mitchell''': What? :'''Kid''': What did you say? :'''Mitchell''': What'd you say? :'''Kid''': Did you say something? :'''Servo''': ''[losing it]'' '''''AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deaney''': How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell? :'''Crow [as Mitchell]''': Uh, by the quart. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]'' :'''Hoyt Axton''': ''[singing]'' My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say? :'''Crow''': She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell spends several minutes silently committing some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]'' :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': Why did I do that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]'' :'''Joel [as Mitchell]''': Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos! === [[w:The Brain That Wouldn't Die|The Brain That Wouldn't Die]] === :''[In the operating room...]'' :'''Bill's Father''': I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in. :'''Servo [as Bill's Father]''': 'Cuz he got me as his doctor. : . . . :''[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael Nelson]] [as [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]]]''': [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], join me or star in '''''[[w:Corvette Summer|Corvette Summer]]!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]'' :'''Bill''': You have the keys to your car? :''[Cut to them driving.]'' :'''Crow''': The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car. :'''Servo [as announcer]''': ''[[w:The Long, Long Trailer|The Long, Long Trailer]]!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, that was my [[w:The Long and Winding Road|prom theme]]! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': [[w:stop sign|Stop sign]], what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve? :''[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]'' :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': Aughhh! The road is attacking me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]'' :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' D-Don't forget my purse! Honey? : . . . :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' You just ''had'' to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a ''body'' anymore! Are you happy? : . . . :''[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]'' :'''Mike [as Sports Announcer]''': [[w:John Riggins|Riggins]] is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him! :'''Crow''': He's either gonna win the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] or the [[w:Heisman Trophy|Heisman Trophy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]'' :'''Crow [with British accent]''': [[Fawlty Towers|Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the machine keeping it alive, Jan's head is wrapped in cloth resembling a wimple]'' :'''Crow''': They saved [[w:The Flying Nun|Sister Bertrille]]'s brain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]'' :'''Mike [as Cortner]''': Well, she can't have a ''cardboard'' body. I've ruled that out. :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': ''[pervertedly]'' Saaay, this could actually be an ''upgrade''... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cortner]''': Well, it's nice and all, but I want something ''sleazy''. :''[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a [[w:greasy spoon|greasy spoon]]), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]'' :'''Mike''': If [[w:Jack Ruby|Jack Ruby]] owned a [[w:Denny's|Denny's]]. : . . . :'''Servo [as Maître d']''': Welcome to the [[w:Diane Arbus|Diane Arbus]] Cafe. : . . . :'''Mike [as Stripper]''': This dance represents that there are ''no baked potatoes'' until ''after five''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]'' :'''Crow''': Doesn't she need lungs? :'''Servo''': No, she's got neck juice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jan]''': Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]'' :'''Jan''': Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me. :'''Servo''': [[w:Knock Three Times|Knock three times]] on the ceiling if you want me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]'' :'''Servo [as Radio DJ]''': ''[sultrily]'' It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, [[w:John Holmes (actor)|Holmes]] and [[w:Harry Reems|Reems]] in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]'' :'''Mike [as Radio DJ]''': Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN! :'''Servo''': ''[echoing, hushed]'' ''K-PORN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster has broken the closet door off of its hinges and is reaching through the peephole, trying to strangle Cortner.]'' :'''Joel [as Cortner]''': Look... you know your business, but... if you just put the door down, you can kill me! :''[The monster shoves Cortner to the ground and starts shaking the door off of its arm.]'' :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': There, see? ''Now'' you can kill me! You can use the door! : . . . :''[The monster bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]'' :'''Servo [as Monster]''': That's one nasty [[w:McNugget|McNugget]]! Ew! === [[w:Teen-Age Strangler|Teen-Age Strangler]] === ==== Is This Love? (short) ==== :''[Reading the title card]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Is this love, or is it just [[w:Fatal Attraction|rough]] [[w:Basic Instinct|sex]] with [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the college dorm room]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So... Where's Waldo? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's under the bed. :''[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Geez! How many times was she held back? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heh heh heh. :'''Liz''': Hi, Peg! :''[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Peg]''': Hi, Mom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peg''': I think I'll send a telegram instead. :'''Liz''': Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something. :'''Mike [as Liz]''': Well, I've known her for fifty years… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liz''': Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other. :'''Peg''': Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is! :'''Mike [as Peg]''': He's anatomically correct, and everything! :'''Peg''': It's the real thing. :'''Liz''': I remember when I first felt that way about Andy. :'''Servo [as Liz]''': ...at the turn of the century. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is ending.]'' :'''Narrator''': How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey? :'''Servo''': [[w: Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice|Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?]] :'''Narrator''': How can you tell? Is this love? :'''Crow''': You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now. :''[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]'' :'''Mike''': And, now stay tuned for the [[w:Clarence Thomas Supreme Court nomination#Sexual harassment allegations|Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill hearing]]. :'''Crow''': No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie. :''[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': "How Much Affection?" :'''Crow''': "When Should I Marry?" :''[Mike and the Bots continue with fake titles.]'' :'''Mike''': "Know Your Ointments" :'''Servo''': "What's That Down There?" :'''Crow''': "When He Wants It Rough" :'''Mike''': "Procreation, Not Recreation" :'''Servo''': "Oh No, Pleasure!" :'''Crow''': "[[w:McClintock|McClintock!]]" ==== Teen-Age Strangler (movie) ==== :''[As a girl is strangled]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Splendor in the Grass|Splendor in the Grass]] 2: [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Dream Warrior]]! === [[w:The Wild World of Batwoman|The Wild Wild World of Batwoman]] === :'''Gypsy''': Should I spit on your dice now, or not, or...? ==== Cheating (short) ==== :''[Reading the opening cards]'' :'''Servo''': Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens over a large clock.]'' :'''Servo [as radio announcer]''': ''The Jack Benny Program''! :''[The clock strikes ominously.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[deeply]'' [[w:A Christmas Carol|Ebenezer Scrooge]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A phone rings.]'' :'''Crow''': For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA. :''[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the foley guy must be calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': Why don't they call? :'''Crow''': Because they don't like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Mother Teresa called. She hates you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it? :'''Crow [as John]''': Aw, let's just cheat! :'''John''': x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... ''[Mary shakes her head]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Nobody home, huh? :'''John''': Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': John, this is geography! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed. :'''Crow''': Split it open now! :'''Narrator''': You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach. :'''Servo''': On a doily. :'''Narrator''': So you decided to take a chance. :''[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': ''[loudly]'' Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews. :''[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she looked at you? :'''Crow''': Or was it lust? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you. :''[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': Oh, hi Miss Grandy— ''EAAAAAAGH!'' '''''AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And most of all, your new job as student council representative. :''[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]'' :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I envision a cheating wing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': I smell a big Commie rat. :'''Miss Grandy''': John, bring it up here, please. :''[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]'' :'''Crow [as loudspeaker]''': PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK! :''[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]'' :'''Servo''': Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny! :. . . :'''Crow''': And so [[w:Dana Plato|Dana Plato]]'s career begins. <hr width="50%"/> :''Jim is tacking something to the wall as Johnny approaches.'' :'''Johnny:''' Hey, Jim. What's that? :'''Jim:''' Meetin' of the student council. :'''Mike [as Jim]:''' They're hangin' you in effigy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]], Crow, [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Give us [[w:Barabbas|Barabbas!]] Barabbas! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But did John truly intend to be dishonest? :'''Servo''': Or was he just pure evil? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A question mark appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow [as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]]''': Riddle me this, Batman! ''[cackles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Mike''': The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind. :'''Servo''': Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame? :'''Mike''': Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game? :'''Gypsy''': Which begs the question of free will. What about free will? :'''Servo''': Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself? :'''Mike''': Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow? :'''Crow''': Uh, the Beatles! :'''Servo''': You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_quality_of_mercy_(Shakespeare_quote) The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.] :'''Tom''': Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay. :'''Gypsy''': Really?... '''FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Untouchables_(film) I WANT HIS FAMILY ''DEAD!'' I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!]''' :'''Mike''': Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike? :'''Mike''': Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself. :'''Servo''': ''[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax]'' Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience. :'''Mike''': We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! ''[Takes the cloth off of Servo]'' :'''Crow''': Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start? :'''Gypsy''': Should we listen? We're shunning him. :'''Mike''': No, we should listen. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting. :'''Crow''': : If it pleases the court? :'''Mike''': ''[hammering with a gavel]'' It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! ''[lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]'' :'''Crow''': : As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains. :'''Gypsy''': You know, it's really true. :'''Crow''': Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex. :'''Gypsy''': Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? ''[Mike hushes her up]'' :'''Crow''': If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have-- :'''Gypsy''': ''[getting agitated]'' He copied my whole paper-- :'''Crow''': ...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain. :'''Servo''': Can we just kill him now?? :'''Crow''': Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy-- :'''Gypsy''': HE STOLE MY '''''FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!''''' :'''Servo''': DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN! :'''Crow''': And I forgive myself. Thank you. ''[lights come up]'' I await your verdict. :'''Mike''': Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology. :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry. :'''Mike''': The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! ''[Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.''[The 'Bots cheer.]'' :'''Servo''': I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry! ==== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I have my [[w:Sobriety coin|40-year TV medallion]]. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Branded|What do you do when you're branded?]] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' You watch TV. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Network (film)|I'm as mad as hell!...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''Holy'' cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:That Girl|Oh, Donald]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors! :'''Servo''': So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh? :''[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]'' :'''Mike''': Whahappa? :'''Servo [as TV announcer]''': Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes! :''[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[in a dull voice]'' [[w:Tequila (song)|Tequila]]. :'''Crow''': Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]'' :'''Man''': Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in. :'''Mike''': [[w:Montgomery Burns|Simpson, eh?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from ''[[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' Wha&mdash; that's ''The Mole People''! These movies have crashed! :'''Mike''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Mole People'' in my ''Batwoman''!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Batwoman'' in my ''Mole People''!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the [[w:Monkees|Monkees]] look good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Little Black Sambo|Maybe they'll all turn into butter.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, Mike. This is Hell. :''' Mike''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Mike, I demand that you kill me. : '''Servo''': Me too. :'''Mike:''' No. ''[a beat]'' Will you kill me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]'' :'''Servo''': Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[screaming]'' ENDDDD! ''EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!'' :''[And now, at last, the film ends.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[defeated and unimpressed]'' What a wild wild world! :'''Crow''': Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you! === [[w:Alien from L.A.|Alien from L.A.]] === :''[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or ''Sir'' to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son? :'''Mike''': ''[weakly]'' Sir, yes sir. :'''Crow''': I didn't hear you, ladybritches! :'''Mike''': I said sir, yes sir! :'''Servo''': ''[in pieces on the table]'' Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch ''[[w:Sisters (TV series)|Sisters]]''! :'''Crow''': You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, ooh, I'm scared... :'''Mike''': Hey Crow, c'mon... :'''Crow''': I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath! :'''Mike''': Uh, [[w:Full Metal Jacket|This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine]]. :'''Crow''': And what is the name of your robot, boy? :'''Servo''': Servo! Tom Servo! :'''Crow''': I don't believe I was addressing ''you'', Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and ''give me twenty, Corporal?'' :'''Servo''': Uh, 'cause I can't? :'''Crow''': Well, now, you just bought yourself ''two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!'' :'''Mike''': Uh, we'll be right back. :'''Crow''': I heard that, [[w:Gomer Pyle|Pyle]]! You piece of ''filth!'' :'''Servo''': Well, several pieces, actually... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]'' :'''Wanda''': I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Robbie]''': It's your helium addiction. : . . . :'''Wanda''': Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Robbie]''': 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]'' :'''Mike''': That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Hey it's the Blue Mosque! :'''Servo''': No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill. :'''Crow''': Have you <i>been</i> to Istanbul? :'''Servo''': THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]'' :'''Mike [as Wanda]''': Ah! Swimsuit issue! :'''Crow [as Wanda]''': This whole room smells like my eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]'' :'''Wanda''': Dad? :'''Mike''': Look, your dad's not responsible for ''everything'' that happens in the world! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy Ireland]''': This door sounds brown! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]'' :'''Charmin''': Wait a minute...is that really your voice? :'''Servo''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could! === [[w:Beginning of the End (film)|Beginning of the End]] === :''[All three are sitting in the front seat; Audrey is driving, Ed in the center:]'' :'''Mike [as Audrey]''': Wait, this isn't a stick shift... ''AAGGGHHH!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as soldier]''': [[w:One weekend a month, two weeks a year|One weekend a month my ass!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grasshopper]''': They got [[w:Jiminy_Cricket|Jiminy]]! Get em! :. . . :'''Mike [as general]''': We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to ''grasshoppers'', people! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as general]''': I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God! :. . . :''[As the grasshopper breaks free, [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves']]s character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Pete! Pete! ''Short, controlled'' bursts! <hr width="50%"> :''[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Brian Eno|Brian Eno]] ruled Chicago. <hr width="50%"> :''[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]'' :'''Mike''': Guys, this is so ''not'' Illinois. === [[w:Monstrosity (film)|The Atomic Brain]] === :''[(Servo has been outfitted with gadgets and thermometers all over his body. Most noticeable are the anemometer and weather vane atop his dome.]'' :'''Mike''': So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again? :'''Servo''': Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU! :'''Mike''': You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that. :'''Crow''': Servo, you're gonna die in space. :'''Gypsy''': Crow! He might not. :'''Servo''': That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! ''[gets raised]'' :'''Mike''': ''[whispering]''Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite. :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' I know, just send the poor dope out to space. :'''Gypsy''': Don't die! :'''Servo''': Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--''[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen]'' Boy! ''[audibly shivering throughout forecast]'' It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold? :'''Crow''': Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine! :'''Mike''': Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay? :'''Servo''': Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here! :'''Gypsy''': He's dead meat. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! ''[Servo suddenly screams loud and long]'' :'''Mike''': Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! ''[Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that'll happen. :'''Gypsy''': Servo, are you all right? :'''Mike''': Servo, buddy, speak to me! :'''Servo''': Well, ''[coughs]'' I'm not cold anymore. ''[coughs]'' :'''Mike''': I better start fixin' you up. :'''Crow''': Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that? :'''Mike''': NO! You can't. You cannot do that. :'''Crow''': I wanna do that, I'm doing that next. :'''Mike''': We'll be right back. :'''Servo''': Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha! ==== What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short) ==== :''[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' They ''flattened'' him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]'' :'''Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]''': [[w:Norm Peterson|Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': [[w:The Mod Squad|Pete, Linc, Julie]], and... Steve? : . . . :'''Servo [as [[w:Walter Winchell|Walter Winchell]]]''': Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]'' :'''Angry City Councilman''': We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already! :'''Servo [as Councilman]''': Kill 'em all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]]'s new name, isn't it? :'''Crow''': No, it's [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]]'s new name! ==== The Atomic Brain (movie) ==== :''[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]''' :'''Mike:''' Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' She's ''nude!'' :'''Servo:''' ''Lady...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]'' :'''Crow:''' She's ''SORT-OF ALIVE!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]'' :'''Servo:''' ''[giggling]'' And she floats ''gently'' to her death! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]'' :'''Crow [as Hetty/[[w:Dr. Strangelove|Dr. Strangelove]]]''': Mein Fuehrer! I can walk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]'' :'''Servo''': So, Mike, where's the atomic brain? :'''Mike''': I don't know... === [[w:Outlaw of Gor|Outlaw]] === :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo are playing around.]'' :'''Gypsy''': This is not a gymnasium! :'''Crow''': Aw, come on, Gyps, it’s fun when it’s fun! :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, it’s fun until somebody ''dies!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mike throws Servo into the air, he's stuck in the rafters.]'' :'''Mike''': Come on, Tom, just drop, I'll catch ya. :'''Servo''': But I'm scared! :'''Mike''': Don't be ridiculous. Come on. :'''Servo''': Okay, here I come. :''[Servo falls... right behind Mike.]'' :'''Gypsy''': We can't have nice things, can we? :'''Servo''': Ow, ow, help me, Mike. :'''Mike''': Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. :'''Crow''': ''(Noticing the Mads' light)'' Oh, it'll have to wait! The dual airbags are calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, You guys look like Fabio! ''[Laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'': :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' With [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]]? ''Oh please oh please oh please oh please...'' :'''Mike''': No, don't get your hopes up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]'' :'''Crow''': I hate this movie already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner Gordon]] calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot? :'''Mike [as Watney]''': [[w:To Have and Have Not|You just put your lips together and drink!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]'' :'''Mike''': Any chance [[w:Barney Rubble|Barney Rubble]] there could go through the windshield? :''[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]'' :'''Crow''': Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Where the hell am I? :'''Mike''': You're the hell here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot? :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Ssh! I'm acting! :'''Cabot''': I must go to Koruba! :'''Watney''': What? :'''Cabot''': Koruba. :''[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]'' :'''Watney''': The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot. :'''Mike, Crow & Servo''': ''[chanting]'' Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him... :'''Watney''': Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh? :'''Mike''': ''[whispers]'' Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now! :'''Crow''': They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard''': Who are you? :'''Cabot''': My name is Cabot. :'''Guard''': Cabot? :''[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]'' :'''Peasant #1''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #2''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #3''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #4''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #5''': Cabot! :'''Mike''': Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry. <hr width="50%"> :''[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]'' :'''Cabot''': Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression! :'''Mike [as Cabot]''': Uh, starting tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]'' :'''Servo''': Check it out, it's one of them [[w:Jack Nicklaus|Jack Nicklaus]] golf communities! :'''Mike''': ''[to Servo]'' ...Are you old? How do you know about that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A beaten and bloodied Cabot is brought before Queen Lara.]'' :'''Queen Lara''': ''[accusing Xenos]'' What have you done to the prisoner? :'''Servo [as Jack Palance]''': Uh, we canceled it. [[w:The_Prisoner|It was too obscure.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jack Palance's character Xenos is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]'' :'''Queen Lara''': What are you talking about? :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': ''[resignedly]'' I really don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Lara''': ''[in phenomenally bad [[w:Automated_dialogue_replacement|ADR]]]'' Get out of here! You dis''gust''ing worm! :'''Xenos''': At once... your... Royal... Highness. :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': Now... if... you'll... ex...cuse me, I'm going to go... tear my... agent a new... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]'' :'''Cabot''': She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it. :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Nekkid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, uh... ''[doing a Jack Palance impression]'' "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight." :'''Mike''': Okay... ''[takes book and does own Jack Palance impression]'' "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." ''[referring to his character's recurring phrase]'' "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?" :'''Servo''': ''[takes book, does Palance]'' "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing [[w:Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas]]. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard." :'''Crow''': ''[book; Palance]'' "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping." :'''Mike''': "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap." :'''Servo''': "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" ''[startled, reverts back to normal voice]'' "I think I killed a man today. More later?" :''[all shudder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, well. :'''Crow''': Have you seen the outtakes for this film? :'''Mike''': No, did they show 'em on ''[[w:Bloopers and Practical Jokes|Bloopers and Practical Jokes]]''? :'''Servo''': No, uh, ''[[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death]]'', actually. ''[They all laugh.]'' Sounds like ''Miami Vice''. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think? :'''Mike''': No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the [[w:USA Network|USA network]]. :'''Servo''': Oh! The USA— ''[imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s]'' I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. ''[imitates the fanfare again]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, ''Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, that or— ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[W:Jeff Conaway|Jeff Conaway]] and [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]] play a deadly game of cat and mouse in ''Murder Most Moist''." :'''Servo''': Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[w:Judy Landers|Judy Landers]] is on the trail of a devious killer in ''Peekaboo Lace, P.I''." :'''Crow''': That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout ''[Announcer]'' "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in ''Dark Underpants''"? :'''Mike''': How about this one? ''[Announcer]'' "[[w:Lindsay Wagner|Lindsay Wagner]] is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in ''Tongue Lashing''!" :'''Crow''': I like it! :'''Servo''': Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in ''French Pistol.'' CATCH IT!" ''[as they laugh]'' This is fun! Yeah. :'''Mike''': Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in ''Death Spank''!" :'''Servo''': Ooh, good one, "''Death Spank''"! :'''Crow''': I've got a good one. How about "[[w:Chris Lemmon|Chris Lemmon]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] form a crime fighting unit in ''The Lingerie Justice Files''"? :'''Servo''': Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and [[w:Morgan Fairchild|Morgan Fairchild]] are ''The Crotchless Killers''." :'''Crow''': I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between [[w:Richard Chamberlain|Richard Chamberlain]] and [[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] in ''Tap Pant Desire''"? :'''Servo''': Nice use of Ben Vereen. :'''Mike''': I like the way you think. Try this one on. "[[w:William Devane|William Devane]] tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in ''The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders''!" :'''Servo''': Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "[[w:Lisa Hartman Black|Lisa Hartman]] is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in ''Cheek Beats''." :'''Crow''': You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in ''The Waco Panty Raid''." :'''Mike''': Um, uh, "[[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in ''Naked Came The Nude''!" :'''Servo''': "[[w:Peter Deluise|Peter Deluise]] and [[w:Tommy Tune|Tommy Tune]] are ''Cod Police''." :'''Mike''': ''[as they exit the theater]'' That was good. === [[w:Radar Secret Service|Radar Secret Service]] === ==== [[w:Last Clear Chance|Last Clear Chance]] (short) ==== :''[Title of short appears]'' :'''Servo''': Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with cars driving into a cemetery]'' :'''Crow''': Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party! :'''Servo''': Save some for me! :''[A pink car can be seen]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look, the Pepto-Bismol car. :'''Mike''': Never let this happen to you. Don't make the mistake these people made. Don't die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I suppose I should have gone in for a few minutes... :''[The picture suddenly loses focus and moves up and down for a second]'' :'''Patrolman''': ...but I just couldn't do it. :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': Because of the tear in the sprocket holes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I could say goodbye from here. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': GOODBYE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Frank's girl Betty Hutkins was waiting for him, of course. Everyone knew they'd be getting married before too long. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': When will we be getting married? :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Before too long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Whenever there's a hazard on the road, there's usually a sign to tell you about it. Like a curve warning or a "Right Of Way" sign, "Narrow Bridge", "Signals Ahead", "Do Not Enter", "No Passing", and many others. :'''Crow''': "All Nude Girls". :'''Servo''': "Whites Only". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[growling]'' Rrrrr. :. . . :'''Patrolman''': If you haven't seen the signs... :'''Mike''': Boy, you haven't lived. :'''Patrolman''': ...this train might come as a surprise to you. :'''Servo''': The [[w:Soul Train|Sooooooooooooul Train]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': Thank you very much, Clarissa... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': They figure rules are for the other follow, not for good drivers like themselves. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': They're communists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As woman walks away from car]'' :'''Crow''': Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': I'd tuck you in, but you're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive. :'''Crow''': Even though you don't deserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]'' :'''Patrolman''': Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often... :'''Mike''': Women drivers! ''[everyone chuckles condecsendingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. :''[An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]'' :'''Crow''': The paid assassin cruising through town. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say-- :'''Servo''': AAAAAH! :''[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]'' :'''Servo''': That's what they say. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank Jr. arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]'' :'''Frank Jr.''': ''[Jokingly]'' I give up, officer! What's the charge? :'''Crow [as patrolman]''': Ha, ha! '''MANSLAUGHTER'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after a long lecture on how small mistakes can lead to catastrophes, the accident approaches with Frank Jr. turning around completely in his car seat to wave at his brother behind him, and keeping this up for nearly a minute without paying any attention to the road ahead]'' :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Engineer''': Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look? :'''Servo [as Ralph]''': You're deep, Ernie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours... :'''Mike [as patrolman]''': Save a place for me at your dinner table! :'''Patrolman''': ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little... :'''Servo''': ...uh-oh... :'''Patrolman''': ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother! :'''Crow''': OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED! :'''Patrolman''': Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies... :'''Servo''': He's a bad cop on the loose! :'''Patrolman''': ...and they end up a little bit DEAD! :'''Mike [as Patrolman]''': Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo:''' Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami. :'''Mike:''' ''[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich]'' AAAHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy! :'''Mike:''' ''[sticks lint into his eye]'' AAHHHHH!!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- ''[Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again]'' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until... :'''Mike:''' ''[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face]'' AHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- :'''Servo:''' Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! ''[wanders off, muttering]'' :'''Mike:''' Wow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' ''[as the light on the desk starts flashing]'' Oh, ah hey, wonder what the Mads want? :'''Servo:''' Oh, mad scientists! Ah, you can have a lot of fun with mad scientists, until someone loses an eye! :'''Crow:''' ''[collapses after trying to hit the button with his face several times and knocking himself out]'' ==== Radar Secret Service (movie) ==== :''[As title of movie appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Gary_Burghoff|Gary Burghoff]] goes undercover! :'''Mike''': That would explain his career for the last 10 years. === [[w:Santa Claus (1959 film)|Santa Claus]] === :''[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a mess.]'' :'''Magic Voice''': We'll be right back... I think. Noel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Open mine, Mike! Open mine! :'''Mike''': Oh, the big one! Okay. ''[He opens a box]'' Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! ''[He holds it up]'' Look at that, it says "Joike" on it. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, well, I started knitting it for [[w:Joel Robinson|the other guy]] a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.{{hnote|This refers to Joel who used to be here, but that was 5½ years ago.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]'' :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive... :. . . :''[Over Spain]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing along]'' [[w:I Will Follow Him|I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...]] :. . . :''[Over China]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' We are forced to sing... :'''Crow''': Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Boys and girls from England. :'''Crow''': ...have rotten teeth. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Japan also helps Santa. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Talented children from the Orient. :'''Crow''': ...are not here today. :'''Mike''': Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Get it on in the morning now! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Even Russia has a delegation. :'''Crow''': Currently under surveillance by the CIA. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The group from France. :'''Servo''': ...stinks to high heaven! :. . . :''[Over Germany]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Hogan's Heroes|General Burkhalter]]]''': Klink, you are a terrible singer! :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer! :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': How would you like to sing at the Russian front? :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': Well, my father was a very famous conductor...{{hnote|Werner Klemperer, who played Col. Klink, was the son of the legendary conductor Otto Klemperer. See? Sitting up to watch ''MST3K'' can be quite educational!}} :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': Shut up! :'''Mike''': I just wanna know one thing: When are [[w:Donny and Marie|Donny and Marie]] coming through the door? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Here's a happy song from Italy. :'''Servo''': ''[sings random Italian gibberish]'' :'''Crow''': So is this [[w:Italian neorealism|neorealism]]? :'''Servo [as [[w:The Godfather|Don Corleone]]]''': Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf. :'''Mike''': Okay, great. You've offended everyone now. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The islands of the Caribbean. :'''Mike''': ...have nothing to do with this movie. :'''Servo [as a Jamaican]''': Legalize [[w:Marijuana|it]], mon! :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Get Up, Stand Up|Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...]] :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina. :'''Mike''': And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now. :'''Crow''': Ho! Santa's doing [[w:Lambada|the forbidden dance]]! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The countries of Central America. :'''Mike''': ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests. :'''Servo''': Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next. :. . . :'''Crow''': Hooray! :'''Mike''': Yay! USA! Woo! :'''Narrator''': The children of the USA. :'''Crow''': ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better. :. . . :'''Narrator''': A neighborly group of children from Mexico. :'''Crow''': ...are over-accessorized. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The devil is encouraging the little girl named Lupita to steal].'' :'''Narrator''': Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry! :'''Crow''': Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator. :'''Narrator''': That's right, Lupita, put it back. :''[Lupita puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].'' :'''Crow [as mother]''': Way to defeat Satan, honey. :'''Pitch''': ''[muttering angrily to himself]'' Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses! :'''Mike''': ''[bewildered]'' Oh, don't ever do that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[cheerfully]'' Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]'' :'''Second boy''': ''[over radio]'' Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away. :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': They're on to me! Into the escape pod! <hr width="50%"/> :''[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]'' :'''Crow''': This is a ''[[w:fascism|fascist]]'' Santa! :'''Mike''': Yeah, at the end, Santa gets [[w:Benito Mussolini|hung upside down]]. :'''Servo''': Well, at least he [[w:Benito Mussolini|made the sleigh rides run on time]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I suppose ''Hell'' got an [[w:National_Endowment_for_the_Arts|NEA]] grant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': It's your new mom! ''[Crow imitates audience roaring]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lupita is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]'' :'''Mike''': Pick your refrigerator, Lupita! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several children are writing.]'' :'''Crow [as children]''': [[w:Moby-Dick|Call me Ishmael]]... [[w:Six Crises|I was born in a house my father built]]... [[w:Catch-22 (novel)|The minute Yossarian]]... :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[sings]'' [[w:Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?|I've written a letter to Daddy...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]] contests are a waste of time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My [[w:chain letter|chain letter]] scam worked! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pedro''': What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa? :'''Santa Claus''': Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol! :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': And they eat at [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't charming at all! It's creepy! :''[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head. :''[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]'' :'''Servo, Mike, and Crow''': He, he haha, hahaha, ''[laughing turns into terrified screams]'' AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!! :''[Santa is still laughing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[scared]'' What's happening?! :''[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a [[w:pentagram|pentagram]]-like symbol on the wall.]'' :'''Servo''': A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]'' :'''Servo [as African Child]''': ''[grumbling]'' Bone in my hair... I'm from ''Detroit''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky]'' I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America? :'''Servo''': [[w:Circle Pines, MN|Circle Pines]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]'' :'''Mike [as Santa]''': Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. ''[pause]'' ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho! === [[w:Teen-Age Crime Wave|Teen-Age Crime Wave]] === :''[at Jane's arraignment]'' :'''Jane''': Every word I told the judge was the truth, mama. :'''Crow''': Court-appointed parents. :'''Jane''': I didn't know what Terry and those boys were gonna do! :'''Jane's Mother''': You were out with those hoodlums. No decent girl would be seen with them. :'''Jane's Father''': Why Jane? You said you were going to the movies. You didn't say anything about being with boys you didn't even know. :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': You're a slutty gun moll. :'''Jane''': Dad, all I did was go out on a date! :'''Crow''': Satan's play thing! :'''Jane''': I didn't know what I was getting into! She came to work and asked if I wanted to meet a nice boy! :'''Jane's Mother''': "Nice boy..." a thief. :'''Mike''': Mr. and Mrs. Bridge read her the Riot Act. :'''Jane's Mother''': ... and you'd been drinking! :'''Jane''': I wouldn't have been with him if you hadn't picked an argument with me last night! :'''Jane's Mother''': You sinned, and you'll pay for your crime, Jane. :'''Crow [as Jane's mother]''': I'll be there, front row, at your hanging! :'''Jane''': Daddy, help me, please! :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': I'm afraid you're going down, kitten. Hard. :'''Jane''': You're my family! :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Uh... aren't you? :'''Jane's Mother''': I don't know how your father will ''ever'' face his business friends again. :'''Crow''': Well, let's ask him. He's right here. :'''Servo''': Dad? :'''Mike''': This is ''just'' like dinner at home. <hr width=50%/> :'''Female Warden''': ''[to a group of delinquent young women]'' Now this is a shower room... :'''Crow''': Let the movie begin! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Terry and Jane and broken out of the prison transport by Mike]'' :'''Terry''': Get moving, Big-Eyes. :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Okay, fatass. <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]'' :'''Mike [as an answering machine]''': This is [[w:Jim Rockford|Jim Rockford]], leave a message and I'll get back to ya. :'''Crow''': Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble! :'''Servo''': ''[starts performing ''[[w:The Rockford Files|The Rockford Files]]'' theme]'' === [[w:Village of the Giants|Village of the Giants]] === :''[The credits show "Based on ''[[w:The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth|The Food of the Gods]]'' by [[H. G. Wells]]".]'' :'''Crow''': "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English! :'''Mike''': It could be based on ''[[w:Profiles in Courage|Profiles in Courage]]!'' :'''Servo''': Oh, by [[w:Theodore Sorensen|Theodore Sorensen]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.''] :'''Servo''': He blew his hand off! :'''Crow [as Magnus Pyke]''': [[w:She Blinded Me With Science| I blinded me with science!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]'' :'''Crow''': You know, I'm starting to suspect this ''might'' be padding. :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no... :'''Mike''': No, that's real. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one of the giant teens oversees a line of people surrendering their firearms]'' :'''Crow''': The NRA nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius (played by a young [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]'' :'''Mike''': I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see ''[[w:Willow_(film)|Willow]]''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I liked ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]'' :'''Mike''': Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I liked ''Willow''! :'''Mike''': [[w:Kevin Pollak|Kevin Pollak]]? You ''liked'' that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]'' :'''Crow''': Spiders don't growl, even that big. :'''Mike''': I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl. :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I liked ''Willow''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert I.]] :'''Servo''': That's why he made ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I '''liked''' ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! The effects in ''Willow'' were better than this! :'''Mike''': Hey, you liked ''Willow''! :'''Crow''': I&mdash; huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Genius figures out a formula to bring the giants back to their normal size]'' :'''Genius''': Wolf, I have some quite astounding news for you... :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''Willow'' sucked! :'''Crow''': Hey, now that was gratuitous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the teens find themselves back by their wrecked car after being chased out of town]'' :'''Fred''': Well, we got a long, long, long walk. :'''Offscreen voice''': Uh, beg your pardon. Are you people coming from Hainesville? :'''Crow [as the voice]''': Uh, you can call me Ray, or you can call me Ray. :'''Fred''': Yes, we're coming from Hainesville. :'''Offscreen voice''': Is that the place where they have the Goo? :'''Fred''': Yes, that's the place where they have the Goo. :'''Offscreen voice''': Thank you so much. :''[a line of short people is seen walking by the teens towards Hainesville]'' :'''Servo''': Ha. One last offensive thing to leave you with, folks. :'''Mike''': The shamed cast of ''Terror of Tiny Town'' meets the shamed cast of ''Village of the Giants''. :''[the ending title card appears]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, so... that's it?! Wasn't much of a payoff! We waited all this time for '''THAT?!''' ''[the ending credits begin to play with the all-too-familiar footage of the giant teens dancing]'' NO!!! :'''Mike, Crow, and Servo''': No, no, no! :'''Mike''': Coming back to this is like getting your face smashed into a giant turkey. :'''Crow''': Or maybe this is what it would feel like if you had rubber bands around your eyeballs. :'''Servo''': No, it's like wearing William Conrad's underpants with a balaclava! :''[the crew gags]'' :'''Mike''': It's like a lingering kiss with your bearded aunt! :'''Crow''': It's like waking up, rolling over, and seeing Jim Varney! AHHH!!! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo''': It's like being trapped inside your own gym bag! :'''Mike''': It's like being trapped inside Jim Begg! === [[w:12 to the Moon|12 to the Moon]] === ==== [[w:Design for Dreaming|Design for Dreaming]] (short) ==== :''[The title card appears for two seconds as the gang enters.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is by Noel Coward. :''[We go straight into the story.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright... :'''Mike''': Aw, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man first appears, presenting an invitation to Motorama...]'' :'''Servo''': And Tommy Tune arrives! :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' Let me persuade you to come to the place where tomorrow meets today... :'''Crow [as Nuveena]''': A subpoena? For ''me''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nuveena arrives at Motorama...]'' :'''Mike''': Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I had a near-death experience like this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Corvette! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': ''[singing]'' I don't give a tin sh...! :'''Mystery Man''': I thought you would! :'''Crow [as Mystery Man]''': That's why I entered your head! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Pontiac, too! :'''Mike''': Man, she's a high-maintanence date! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' This Buick's a beaut! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I'll try it! :''[The shot transitions to Nuveena sitting in the driver's seat of the Buick.]'' :'''Crow''': She's gonna roll it! :''[Mike and Servo gasp]'' :. . . :'''Servo [as a voice on a loudspeaker]''': Ah, call Security to the showroom floor, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hope this is a rebuttal to ''[[w:Roger And Me|Roger And Me]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena comes out of a car carrying what looks like an umbrella in her hands.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I can hardly wait for this dream to come tru-u-u-u-ue! :'''Servo''': Oh, at least I got myself a good parking spot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena is suddenly seen in the showroom floor wearing an apron over her dress.]'' :'''Mystery Man''': Better get her into the kitchen quick! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Tater tots are burning! :'''Crow [as a teenage boy]''': Any more girls in there? :''[Mike and Crow laughs like [[w:Beavis and Butthead|Beavis and Butthead]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Kitchen of Tomorrow begins working on a cake...]'' :'''Crow''': Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In her dream, Nuveena emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Aaah! It's a salute to [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Mr. B Natural (short)|Mr. B Natural]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no, no! :''[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]'' :'''Mike''': This would be the "up" part of her [[w:Bipolar disorder|manic mood swings]], I'm guessing. :'''Crow''': Oh-ho-ho... :'''Servo''': Man, it is gonna take her ''forever'' to write this dream down. :''[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Shocked]'' Ah! Wow! :. . . :'''Mike''': I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat! :'''Crow''': Well, sometimes a sun hat is ''just'' a sun hat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena removes the cake from a futuristic oven.]'' :'''Nuveena''': My cake is ready. :'''Mike''': Uh-uh. I call no way! :'''Servo''': Uh-uh. Candles and everything... :'''Crow''': [[w:Happy Birthday, Wanda June|Happy Birthday, Wanda June]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Now in a gown, Nuveena is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:A Chorus Line|Chorus Line 2]]: [[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|The Wrath]] of [[w:Chaka Khan|Chaka Khan]]''! : . . . :'''Nuveena''': Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change. :''[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]'' :'''Servo, Crow [as Crowd]''': ''Give us [[w:Cyd Charisse|Cyd Charisse]]!'' :'''Crow''': While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': [[w:Cindy Williams|Cindy Williams]] ''is'' [[w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla Tharp]] ''as'' [[w:Isadora Duncan|Isadora Duncan]] ''in'' ''The [[w:Meredith Monk|Meredith Monk]] Story: A One-Woman Show''! :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Co-starring [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]]. :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': As [[w:Charlie's Angels|Bosley]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]'' :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows... :'''Crow''': Bonnie and Clyde's death car! :. . . :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph... :'''Crow''': Fonzie's death car. :'''Mike [as Fonzie]''': Ay. :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional. :'''Crow''': Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason. :. . . :'''Servo''': The "Closed Three Plants" car. :'''Mike''': Executive producer, Jack Philbin. :'''Crow''': The Schick electric razor car! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Costume by [[w:Capri pants|Emilio of Capri]]! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Unfettered [[Wiktionary:avarice|avarice]] by [[w:Madison Avenue|Madison Avenue]]! :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': ...in ''The Honeymooners''! :''[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]'' :'''Crow [as the cars "expression"]''': GRRR! RRRRrrrR! :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man introduces the final car shown, the Firebird II, he deliberately shushes the audience to ensure that it is "secretly" a surprise reveal.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, this is what happens when you go to a car show with [[w:Michael Crawford (actor)|Michael Crawford]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Firebird II]'' :'''Crow''': The "Extention Of My Manhood" car! :'''Mike''': Your deal with the devil is now complete. :. . . :'''Servo [as Nuveena]''': Do you have it in red? :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's a six week delivery, ma'am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. The Mystery Man points out something.]'' :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Look, dead raccoon of tomorrow. :''[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' Tomorrow... :'''Servo''': ''[singing, a la Elmer Fudd]'' [[w:What's Opera, Doc?|With my sword and magic helmet...]] :. . . :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock. :. . . :'''Crow''': Automatic freeway. You build it. :. . . :'''Mike''': Someone invent rock and roll, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America. :. . . :'''Crow''': Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, Nuveena and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]'' :'''Mike''': Look out! The bridge to the future's out! :''[They all gasp and make crash sounds as the end card appears.]'' ==== 12 to the Moon (movie) ==== :''[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]'' :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Lady! :'''Crow [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, lady! :'''Mike [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, down here, lady! :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Love this lady. :'''Mike''': She's in everything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': Doughnuts? :'''Servo''': No, no, no. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jackie Gleason|Jackie Gleason]]]''': Oh, you're ''goin' '' to the moon, all right! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow, I think ''I'm'' in this! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]'' :'''Secretary General''': At this moment... :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': I may die! :'''Secretary General''': ... over two billion people... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[w:McDonald's#Parodies in popular media|have been served]]. :'''Secretary General''': … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program. :'''Mike [as Secretary General]''': ... and my rump. :'''Secretary General''': Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[wikt:dolphin-safe|dolphin-safe]]! :'''Secretary General''': ... international territory. :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': ... and [[w:IHOP (restaurant)|House of Pancakes]]. : . . . :'''Secretary General''': God be with you. :'''Servo''': [[w:Collect#Liturgical collect|And also with you]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]'' :'''Dr. Hamid''': Allah be praised! :'''Dr. Orlov''': Praise the ship, not Allah. :'''Servo [as Hamid]''': I'll praise whoever I want, white boy. == Season 6 == === [[w:Girls Town (1959 film)|Girls Town]] === :''[Regarding [[w:Mel Tormé|Mel Tormé]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Hit him! He'll cry! : . . . :'''Mike''': He's like a youthful [[w:Star Wars|Jabba the Hutt]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]'' :'''Mike Nelson [as Chip]''': ''[screams, then pauses]'' Hey, look, a moral! ''[resumes screaming]'' : . . . :''[Chip hits the ground and dies.]'' :'''Servo [as Chip]''': Uh... call me? : . . . :''[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]'' :'''Fred''': Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip? :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': Down here! I got a crick in my neck! : . . . :'''Fred''': Chip, come on! Say something, Chip! :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': "Wuh-aughhh!" : . . . :''[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]'' :'''Mike [as Chip's corpse]''': Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': Girls Town Boys' Club welcomes you to Girls Town. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rumble breaks out. Big band music plays throughout.]'' :'''Crow''': Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown! :. . . :''[A girl tries to break up a fight by putting a bucket on one boy's head]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': You make sun go away. You are powerful. :. . . :''[Silver hits Chip with a pie.]'' :'''Servo''': Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen. :. . . :''[Two girls fight on the dock with oars.]'' :'''Mike''': And down goes Blaze! :. . . :'''Mike''': This is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney. :. . . :''[A police car can be seen.]'' :'''Mike [as policeman]''': Nobody called us about the party. Over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]'' :'''Mother Veronica''': Wait for me, sister. :'''Crow [as Mother Veronica]''': If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced [[w:Paul Anka|Paul Anka]]).]'' :'''Mr. Clyde''': You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with the father of her dead ex-boyfriend]'' :'''Mr. Gardner''': I'll never understand what my son saw in you. :'''Silver''': Oh, no? ''[turns to face him]'' :'''Crow [as Silver]''': Do ''these'' explain anything? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]], steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, where should I be looking right now...? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Any... studs around here? :'''Serafina''': Any what? :'''Silver''': Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags! :'''Serafina''': Only the gardeners. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Serafina]''': And Father Fabio! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm just a lonely boy… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Why does that not surprise me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The music that rocked America… gently to sleep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Velvet Hog! {{hnote|Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, ''The Velvet Fog''.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Operator]''': Girls Town, please hold. :'''Servo [as Hold Music]''': ''[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"]'' Our father, who art in heaven… : . . . :'''Servo [as Operator]''': All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. {{hnote|Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.}} <hr width="50%"/><!-- DO NOT CHANGE "ORchard"; THIS IS PROPER CAPITALIZATION FOR OLD-STYLE PHONE #s --> :''[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]'' :'''Silver''': Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ''ten'' times! I can't get anyone to answer! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Operator]''': Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Maybe it's time you level with me. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': You know how we're both hot? :'''Mary Lee''': Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... and he asked me to go in his place. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then I killed him and he died. :'''Mary Lee''': He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him and he got all dead! :'''Silver''': Oh, great. :'''Mary Lee''': It was fun at first when he only kissed me... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He wasn't then. :'''Mary Lee''': But then he... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ...died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... he started... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ... being killed by me... :'''Mary Lee''': ... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Right before he got dead. :'''Mary Lee''': And then... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Rocks slipped out from under his feet... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he became killed. :'''Mary Lee''': He fell... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And he died. :'''Silver''': So ''that's'' how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He's not dead! :'''Mary Lee''': He saw it happen. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': He thought it was you at first... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ...until he saw me again. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him. :'''Silver''': And ''all'' the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville! :'''Mary Lee''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here! :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': ''[exaggerated sobbing]'' I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!! :'''Silver''': It's all over the dam... :'''Mike [as Silver]''': I just can't believe you went out with Chip! :''[Silver begins laughing]'' :'''Mary Lee''': What are you laughing at? :'''Servo [as Silver]''': Oh, something in ''[[w:Dilbert|Dilbert]]''. Never mind. :'''Silver''': It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh? :'''Mike [as Silver]''': Ah, well forget it. :'''Mary Lee''': I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': And trade me for a chicken. :'''Silver''': Tijuana?! :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Maybe I can push [[w:Herb Alpert|Herb Alpert]] over a cliff... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]'' :'''Silver Morgan''': Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy! :'''Mike''': Especially since he's thirty-eight! === [[w:Invasion, U.S.A. (1952 film)|Invasion U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:A Date with Your Family|A Date with Your Family]] (short) ==== :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] story! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, I like my family, ''as a friend''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reading a list of names in the credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': All of who are orphans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother looks inside a pot]'' :'''Narrator''': What's the matter? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[w:Fatal Attraction|THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': So they're unsuspecting when they ''kill'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': With [[w:Strychnine|strychnine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Daughter]''': Salad needs more butter, Mother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': But not these people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': What you are watching now should have been edited in the final version. My apologies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': They're not, of course... <hr width="50%"> :''[as the boys talk with their dad]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Junior]''': Father, I had a feeling today. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Father]''': Well ''don't'', son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mother]''': Hi, I'm Betty, and I'll be your wife tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Mike, this sucks! Can we just eat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother seats Junior... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Daughter obsesses with the flowers. :'''Narrator''': ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The less said about this, the better. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Daughter]''': Dad, I'm dating a Negro! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': Please, God, take me now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Father begins passing food.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in a British accent]'' [[w:Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field Marshall Montgomery]] sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day... :''[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]'' :'''Narrator''': They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': No, I— I'll just have Saltines. :'''Narrator''': I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Emotions are for ''ethnic'' people. :'''Narrator''': Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': I can't stress "unemotional" enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Father serves Mother first, then Daughter. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Let's go to the flowchart for this. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And be sure to make a plate for the narrator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': No one starts eating until Father has served himself. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': THIS MEANS YOU! :'''Narrator''': Always wait for the hostess... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': to seat you. :'''Narrator''': ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': I'm moving to [[w:Fire Island|Fire Island]], dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...even as you gag on it. :''[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|This stinks!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …than having a personality. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': …and they already dislike you enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Father]''': Well, there it is. Spankings all around, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Do you? DO YOU? :'''Narrator''': And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! :'''Narrator''': When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...and control and repression. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this makes me want to heat up a [[w:Libbyland|Libbyland]] frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[waves goodbye]'' Bye-bye, everyone. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Simmel-Mervay release. ==== Invasion U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening credits...]'' :'''Mike''': Starring these people ''and'' [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]. :. . . :''[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|What, me direct?]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Control tower, request landing instructions. :'''Tom Servo [as flight controller]''': ''[irate]'' Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carla''': ''[about her work at the blood bank]'' We set a record today. :'''Vince''': You set a record with me a long time ago. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': God, I'm smooth. <hr width="50%"/> :''["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]'' :'''Sylvester''': Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. ''[...]'' Finished with your drink? :'''Carla''': Yes, but I— :'''Vince''': ''I'll'' take care of her. :'''Sylvester''': Is that the way you want it? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Carla]''': ''[suggestively]'' Vince and I are gonna make our ''own'' tank parts. === [[w:The Dead Talk Back|The Dead Talk Back]] === :''[Doing a fire drill on the SOL]'' :'''Crow''': There really is no place to go! :'''Mike''': Well, still. We gotta meet code. :'''Gypsy''': No talking in line! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[playing as hard-boiled detective and attempting to interrogate Mike]'' Hello, Nelson. Say, y'know, I kinda like this movie. I'm intrigued by the whole interrogation idea. '''''So siddown!''' I wanna ask you a few questions!'' If you are who you say you are. And I wanna know what you did and what happened. No hurry; we've got all the time in the world. :'''Frank''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' I did it! I did it! I did it!! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did '''''what''''', Frank? :'''Frank''': '''Everything!''' [[w:Dallas (TV series)|I shot J.R!]] [[w:The Beatniks (film)|I killed that fat barkeep!]] [[w:Frusen_Glädjé|I ate all the Frusen Glädjé!]] And y'know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell ya! ''Glad!! [maniacal laughter]'' ==== [[w:The Selling Wizard|The Selling Wizard]] (short) ==== :''[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]'' :'''Narrator''': You, the ice cream manufacturer. :'''Crow''': Up against the wall! Spread 'em! :'''Narrator''': You... :'''Mike''': Me? :'''Narrator''': ...the frozen food distributor. :'''Servo''': [[w:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry]] before Woodstock. :'''Narrator''': And you, the food retailer. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': These three people will square off against— <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, today's problem is merchandising... :'''Mike''': Over '''three''' kinds of vanilla! :'''Narrator''': ...to sell in high volume, for high profit. :'''Crow''': For high people. :''[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]'' :'''Narrator''': Frozen products are impulse items... :'''Servo''': I'll take it, I'll take it! :'''Narrator''': And impulse buying is primarily... :'''Mike''': Women's fault. :''[The stack suddenly drops]'' :'''Narrator''': ...an emotional decision. :'''Crow''': The market crashed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]'' :'''Narrator''': Manufacturers spend millions on package design. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yet, this is the result. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard. :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in heaven? :'''Crow''': ''[as the lights finish]'' Rip-off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': It's a little big; I just want a hotplate! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard? :'''Servo''': Bosoms! :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :'''Crow''': Or "S. A. S." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling. :'''Servo''': Just one glance, don't look back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noticing a box in the freezer]'' :'''Mike''': This is frozen ''cotton''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range. :'''Servo''': GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME! :'''Narrator''': They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity. :'''Crow''': But don't put your tongue on it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee. :'''Narrator''': Gentlemen! If you please! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': You filthy degenerates! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, on every count... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Guilty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Next step, open a grocery store. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This freezer rules! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]'' :'''Narrator''': This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet... :'''Mike''': ...makes no sense. :. . . :'''Crow''': (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car. :. . . :'''Mike''': (singing) ''And it comes out here...'' :. . . :'''Servo''': WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Every cabinet designed with your needs in mind. :'''Crow''': But I need a stove. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity... :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Bodies stack easily. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Once again, outstanding features that Anheuser... [film skip] ...that make for a real selling wizard. :'''Mike [as Woody Allen]''': Y'know, I think I'll just buy a thermos. :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :''[Servo and Mike start humming [[w:Holiday_for_Strings_(song)|Holiday for Strings]]]'' :'''Narrator''': The kind of design that beckons customers to see and reach for frozen products. :'''Crow [as Professor E.C. Buehler, from ''Speech: Using Your Voice'']''': Plenty of lip and tongue action. :'''Narrator''': Space saving capacity, that gives maximum storage and selling use of every inch of space. :'''Mike''': Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': And remember to buy Ed McMahon's [[w:Budweiser|Budweiser]] ice cream. :'''All''': Hi-yo! :'''Mike''': [[w:Leni Riefenstahl|Leni Riefenstahl]]'s most powerful film. :'''Servo''': Hi-yo! ==== The Dead Talk Back (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[as a TV announcer]'' Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a night scene illuminated by a single dim spot light:]'' :'''Crow''': The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights. :'''Servo [as cinematographer]''': C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left! :'''Mike''': Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car]'' :'''Crow''': With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood. :'''Servo''': She's flooding the radio. :''[As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car]'' :'''Mike''': And Creepy [[w:American Automobile Association|Triple-A]] is there. :'''Crow [as driver]''': Maybe this isn't my car. :'''Servo''': Geez, not since ''Moonraker'' has there been an exciting opening sequence. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker introduces himself]'' :'''Krasker''': Have you been hearing some weird stories recently? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': About Chuck Berry? :'''Krasker''': About telepathy? :'''Crow''': I knew you were going to say that. :'''Krasker''': The fourth dimension? :'''Servo''': Or Marilyn McCoo? :'''Krasker''': Or ghosts? :'''Mike''': Hmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie. :'''Krasker''': The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each. :'''Crow''': Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing. :'''Krasker''': Me? :'''Mike''': You? :'''Krasker''': Who am I? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Frankly I've forgotten. :'''Krasker''': I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. ''[softly]'' Mike, help me! :'''Krasker''': My philosophy? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Lots of leather. :'''Krasker'''; Metaphysics. What is metaphysics? :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': [[w:Teen_Talk_Barbie#Controversy|It's really hard.]] :'''Krasker''': There's a long, complicated explanation to that question. :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Which he'll be happy to give us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krasker''': Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over? :'''Servo''': Quit squirming. :'''Krasker''': Why just think! We could find lost articles... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Coupons! :'''Krasker''': Treasures... Gold mines... :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': You're not buying any of this, are you? :'''Krasker''': We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': I'm so lonely... ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker switches on his radio for talking to the dead:]'' :'''Krasker''': It takes a while for... temperature attunement. :'''Crow''': Uh-huh... :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Krasker''': Warming up. :'''Crow''': Sure. :'''Krasker''': We'll try it again later. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift... :'''Krasker''': The problem of communicating with the... departed... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Is that they're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, full bookshelf stands against the far wall:]'' :'''Mike [as officer]''': Ya look at that? All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of crossbow being fired]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Poison Arrow|Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After discarding a pair of shoes, a suspect drives off in a 1960's Volkswagen Bug:]'' :'''Servo [as suspect]''': The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though... :'''Crow''': One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage. :'''Servo''': Zero to sixty... in about an hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]'' :'''Servo''': Is someone purring? :''[Crow looks around for a bit]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass as a "receiver"]'' :'''Krasker''': Tell us who you are. It's important that we know. :'''Mike''': To talk to the dead, press one. If you'd like the Ethereum, the Imperium, or the Emerald Beyond, please hold. :'''Woman''': I can't hear it clearly&mdash; :'''Servo''': That's because it's a '''''RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance]'' :'''Crow [as Krasker/[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]]''': And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was ''split''! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim... <hr width="50%"/> :''[the horn that is part of Krasker's machine for the seance blares, startling Mike and the bots]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, my ride's here! :'''Crow''': Reneé('s spirit) must love Jesus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead! === [[w:Zombie Nightmare|Zombie Nightmare]] === :''[The opening credits identify the [[w: heavy metal|heavy metal]] bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: [[w:Motorhead|Motorhead]]...]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of [[w:Cole Porter|Cole Porter]] tunes! :''[...[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]]...]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, that's ''Woman''school? :''[...[[w:Thor|Thor]]...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[lisping]'' Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth. :''[...[[w:Deathmask|Deathmask]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party! :''[...and [[w:Fist|Fist]].]'' :'''Servo''': And I saw Fist when they opened for [[w:Badfinger|Badfinger]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Before the car hits Tony]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo |Servo]]''': Don't worry, his ''area'' will protect him! :''[Tony gets hit by car]'' :'''Servo''': ...Or not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I used to like you when you were a Caped Crusader, even better than Darth Vader. But then you were the best, but now you are like all the rest. That's all, so see you later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]'' :'''Mike [as one of the teens]''': I think we hit a moose! :'''Crow [as one of the teens]''': ''[hysterical]'' ''C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot| Crow]]''': [[w:Dead Skunk|There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road]]! Dead boy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]'' :'''Bobby''': Hey, what's the matter? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': This [[w:Kansas (band)|Kansas]] song just makes me so sad! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim''': What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]'' :'''Crow [as Tony]''': Must... register... for... semester! :. . . :''[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Damn radiator! :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by [[w:John Cage|John Cage]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]'' :'''Servo''': [[Airplane!|The ''dead'' Zone is for loading and unloading only...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[When [[w:Adam West|Adam West]] first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]'' :'''Servo [as ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' TV announcer]''': What's ''this''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Sorrell''': ''[on the issue of Bobby's murder]'' The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it! :'''Capt. Churchman''': Maybe James Earl has a great batting average. :'''Servo''': But it's the [[w: Run batted in|R.B.Is]] that count, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]'' :'''Crow''': Y'know, ironically, they were only able to [[w:Al Capone|bust the zombie for tax evasion!]] ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hal Needham|Hal Needham]] was brought in to direct this scene. :''[The car drives off the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': And that's it. === [[w:Colossus and the Headhunters|Colossus and the Headhunters]] === :''[Our hero [[w:Maciste|Maciste]] (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]'' :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': I leave you alone for ''one hour—!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': What is your name? :'''Maciste''': Maciste, and yours? :'''Crow''': ''[holding back laughter]'' ''Cheese''steak? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]'' :'''Crow''': Hmm... the camera operator is ''indulging'' himself here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time! :'''Maciste''': Land! Land! :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': It would be really great if we found some land! :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[snickering]'' Luckily, this was before death had been invented. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]'' :'''Crow [as Maciste]''': ''[wearily]'' Hey, look, my island blew up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh no! It's a horrible drop into... :''[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh. Heh. :. . . :''[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]'' :'''Servo [as soldier]''': Hey, this is fun! Whoopee! :'''Mike''': And thus, [[w:synchronized swimming|synchronized swimming]] was invented! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]'' :'''Kermes''': The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance. :'''Mike''': Pssh! ''He's'' talking about fragile shoulders. :'''Kermes''': Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty... :'''Servo''': And pants! :'''Kermes''': And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess. :'''Crow''': Well, at least you're not pompous. : . . . :'''Kermes''': That is why you and I will rule together with me as your... :'''Servo''': Dun-dun-dun! :'''Kermes''': ...advisor. :'''Crow''': Huh?! : . . . :''[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fight scene has broken out.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.]'' :'''Servo''': Now ''this'' will anger the gods! : . . . :''[The not very good dance goes on and on.]'' :'''Mike''': So... the director has a girlfriend. :'''Crow''': Apparently! : . . . :'''Crow''': This is history's first awkward moment. :'''Mike''': ''[dramatically]'' For the first time, people don't know where to look. : . . . :'''Crow [as the blind King]''': I think it's pretty good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]'' :'''Mike''': Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': ''[Lisping.]'' I caught you, you bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]'' :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': Wow, those sharp things really work! : . . . :'''Servo''': And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally ''does'' something! === [[w:The Creeping Terror|The Creeping Terror]] === :'''Crow''': ''[while the crew indulges in a coffee shop setting scenario, trying to avoid coming off as pretentious]'' It's definitely not working. ... ''[in a snobby tone]'' I've been recording my life in pastel! :'''Servo''': The only question worth asking is "What am '''I''' going through right now?". :'''Gypsy''': ''[as a in-house guitarist, towards Mike]'' You- the white male- are my personal oppressor. Oh my! :'''Crow''': Yes, she is so great! I saw her one-woman show; her soul cried out to me. :'''Gypsy''': So I'll take my rage, and box it up, and take it out with the trash! :'''Mike''': Thanks a lot, Dr. Forrester; see what you've done? You turned my friends into a bunch of self-absorbed poseurs! :'''Gypsy''': A white male middle-class power holder would say '''that''', Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank and Dr. Forrester are doing laundry in Deep 13]'' :'''Frank''': I'll show you some real Creeping Terrors... these grass stains! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[while he and Mike stage a parody vignette of "[[w:Love, American Style|Love, American Style]]", holding a wedding ring]'' Well, I'm finally going to propose to Debbie! :'''Mike''': That's great; let's see the ring. ''[puts it on his finger, and it gets stuck]'' The ring's stuck! :'''Servo''': I guess '''we'll''' have to get married! ''[chuckles as he and Mike kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Servo has appeared to have Gypsy devour him, and Crow is halfway inside her mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Here I come, Tommy! :'''Servo''': Okay, buddy. Slide right down! :'''Mike''': Crow! What in the world are you doing?! ''[Mike pulls Crow out of Gypsy's mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, hey! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! OW! Right on my hip! :'''Mike''': Come on up here! :'''Gypsy''': Thanks, Mike. I hope you don't think that was my idea. :'''Mike''': No, I think I know whose idea it was. ''[peeks inside Gypsy's mouth]'' Hey, Tom! :'''Servo''': Hey, Mike! See if you can get her to swallow you. It's really neat! :'''Gypsy''': ''[embarrassed]'' Oh, This is so embarrassing... I don't look fat, do I?... :'''Mike''': No, Gypsy. You don't look fat. You're a little lumpy, maybe, but not fat. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, this is embarrassing... :'''Servo''': Come on! Hop in and experience the alimentary canal in action. It's the ultimate trip! :'''Mike''': Uh, no thanks. I think I'll pass. Anyway, we got letters to read here. :'''Gypsy''': You know, Mike, I don't feel very well all of the sudden. I think I'm getting allergic to Tom... :'''Crow''': Join the club, Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': I think I'll go get a tissue... ''[slowly slithers away]'' ==== The Creeping Terror (film) ==== :''[of the opening title's stylized spiraling background''] :'''Mike''': Who left their hair in the sink? :'''Servo''': Things I can do with my spirograph! :'''Crow''': When spiders drink too much. . . . :'''Crow''': Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]'' :'''Sheriff Ben''': It could be one of our missiles. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Martin]''': This county has missiles, sir? <hr width="50%"/> :[''The carpet/alien is "devouring" a screaming woman, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth''] :'''Mike [as Alien]''': Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in... :'''Crow [as Alien]''': I can't believe I ate the ''whole'' thing! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Alien/Carl Denham]'' [[King Kong (1933 film)|'Twas Beauty fed the Beast]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': ''[checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib]'' Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby]'' No! Get lost! :'''Servo''': Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer]'' Wait, you're gonna put that '''where'''?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better! :'''Mike''': ''[as baby after getting checked]'' Owwww, you'll pay for this! :'''Woman''': Poor baby; you'll feel better soon. :'''Mike''': What about picking him up, or feeding him? :'''Servo''': ''[as woman]'' That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]'' :'''Crow''': When [[w:Tom Wolfe#The white suit|Tom Wolfe's]] wife does the laundry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]'' :'''Servo''': Let the current take you away! '''''SWIIIIM!''''' :'''Mike''': And the world has one less Santa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at a formal dance, the alien appears and numerous women scream in terror]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as the Alien]'' I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had. :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' Why is everybody lookin' at me? :'''Woman''': ''[flatly exclaiming]'' My God; what is it?! :''[Crow, Servo, and Mike all break out laughing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' "What's that say? 'Lover's Lane: Eight miles'?! AWWWW!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …to a sold-out crowd! :'''Narrator''': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And those who did ''not'' survive such a catastrophe ''also'' would not go there again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the monster eats a couple, which looks like it was humping a car afterwards]'' :'''Crow''': He's mistaken the car for a lady monster! Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, there's ''bullets'' in the other end of that thing! === [[w:Bloodlust!|Bloodlust!]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[of Pearl Forrester's influence on Clay]'' Now I understand why he's so sick! Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'! Oh, I mean 'witch'! :'''Servo''': She said the word! Gypsy's in trouble; Gypsy's in trouble! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's ''Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party''— :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''I'' did it! :'''[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]], Servo, [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': CROW! ==== Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) ==== :'''Mike''': Is [[w:Velveeta|Velveeta]] a member of the National Dairy Council? :'''Servo''': No, Velveeta's a splinter group. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': I ''thought'' I smelled something! :'''Servo''': Yes, the farm of secrets and lies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': A cautionary tale. :'''Narrator''': George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're dropping off the kids and never coming back. :'''Narrator''': But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm. :'''Mike''': Poor saps. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids take turns ringing a bell to call Jim.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts. :'''Crow''': Well, now they have nothing to look forward to! :'''Servo [as George]''': I never want this day to end! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an ''edgy'' man who should not be riled. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As grain pours out of a spout]'' :'''Servo [as Uncle Jim]''': See? We dump this stuff in the creek and the government pays us for it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': I just saw a finger! :'''Mike [as George]''': ''[whining]'' Can we go home? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids are playing in the hayloft]'' :'''Servo''': Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance. :'''Crow''': '''OW, MY SPINE!''' :'''Mike [as Andy]''': I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to... :'''Servo [as Andy]''': OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK! :'''Crow''': All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay. :'''Mike [as George]''': I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at [[w:Pamida|Pamida]]. :'''Servo''': Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging. :'''Mike''': You'd better watch, 'cause it might happen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Day after life-sucking day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Betty and Jane play with baby chicks]'' :'''Narrator''': Baby chicks, too... :'''Mike''': Hey, they're women-- oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[George and Andy are playing with the family dog in an open field]'' On the farm, a big dog has plenty of room to run and play. But he's more than a pet; he also protects the family... :'''Servo''': ''[as Narrator]'' From rival farm gangs! :'''Narrator''': ''[as the dog's puppies come scampering from behind]'' But all the puppies have to do is eat and play and sleep so they can grow up strong and healthy. :'''Servo''': ''[gushing over the puppies]'' Awww, puppy! Look at 'em; little Humphrey, little Humphrey! {{hnote|Referring to staff member and Servo's puppeteer Kevin Murphy's own dog Humphrey}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As everyone has dinner]'' :'''Narrator''': Living on a farm makes you hungry and aunt Helen certainly is a good cook. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Given her limitations. :'''Crow''': Jerry Lee Lewis joins the family for dinner. :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, now's the time for Uncle Jim's fundamentalist dogma. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': But I don't like food! :'''Narrator''': Look at all the wonderful things to eat. :'''Crow''': At restaurants. :'''Narrator''': It takes all kinds of food to build up muscles and let us bigger and stronger. :'''Mike''': Mostly just butter. :'''Servo''': Susie drains the last of her Dirty Banana. :'''Crow [as Jane]''': That's why I'm burning my bra. :'''Mike''': Repressed emotions help the evening pass without incident. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rooster crows and the girls wake up in their bunk bed]'' :'''Servo''': Three hours later, it's up again. :'''Crow''': Back home, a Hershey's truck has overturned and everyone is getting all the free chocolate they want. :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Uncle Jim's out of control. We [[w:Frag_%28military%29|frag]] him today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Mmm, good white, hearty white bread for white, white people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': As the summer passed, everything seemed to grow. The corn was knee high on George when he came. Now it's taller than he is. :'''Servo''': George is clearly shrinking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The summer is over, and George and Betty are waiting for their parents to take them back to the city. :'''Mike and Crow [as George and Jane]''': FREEDOM! :''[Their parents drive up to the farm]'' :'''Servo [as George and Jane's father]''': Just throw them their winter clothes and then floor it! :'''Crow [as George]''': Hey, they're driving right by-- Wait! Wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with everyone waving as they drive off]'' :'''Crow [as Uncle Jim]''': Goodbye! We'll send you that arm if we find it! :'''Mike [as George]''': So long, you corn-shucking suckers! ==== Bloodlust! (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': The story of Wisconsin sausage. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]'' :'''Mike [as the skull]''': ''[muffled and sarcastically]'' Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!" <hr width="50%"/> :[''In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended''] :'''Mike [as Al Jolson]''': ''[singing]'' Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I ''don't like'' the villain! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Balleau''': [''towards Tony''] Tony; I have reconsidered. :'''Mike''': [''as Balleau, shooting Tony in the stomach with a crossbow bolt''] John Steinbeck in [[Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Murder]]. :'''Tom Servo''': [''as Tony screams in pain and dies''] Rail! Rail against the dying of the- <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", ''then'' this would be ironic. === [[w:Code Name: Diamond Head|Code Name: Diamond Head]] === :''[Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice]'' :'''Mike''': ''[to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief]'' I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face! :'''Crow''': Hey; we were just reading- :'''Mike''': ''[hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him]'' Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now! :'''Servo''': But we didn't- ''[gets hit by Mike and starts crying]'' :'''Mike''': I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! ''[jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces]'' Now '''that's''' a done pop! :'''Servo''': ''[unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation]'' Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough! :'''Crow''': Turn it off; '''''TURN IT OFF'''''!!! ==== A Day at the Fair (short) ==== :''[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I didn't finish! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very beginning of the short]'' :'''Narrator''': This is the fairground, where the fair is held. :'''Servo''': Any questions so far? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator/Barker]''': Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! {{hnote|Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for The Price is Right.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny goes first to see the fish. :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I like fish... :'''Narrator''': Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home. :'''Mike''': Well, see, they ''were'' in the creek, but they've been ''caught'' and that's why they're ''here''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Later, these moths turn up [[w:Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs)|in the mouths of Bob's victims!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a collection of pickle jars]'' :'''Servo''': Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races! :''[The short cuts to a new scene]'' :'''Narrator''': What's this? :'''Crow''': EVIL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': Judging cakes oughta be fun. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': First, she ''feels'' the cake... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...then she rubs it into her hair... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]'' :'''Mike [as Mr. Olsen]''': Let's go eat something gray. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]'' :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! ''Waaait''... :. . . :'''Narrator''': Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings! :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' What, tinsel, little lights? :'''Servo''': This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': [[w:Grazing_in_the_Grass#The_Friends_of_Distinction_version|Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bob]''': Where's the corn go? :'''Narrator''': Wonder what it would be like to fly it? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. {{hnote|American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harness races at the grandstand]'' :'''Crow [as horse]''': Get the car! There's carrots in the car! :'''Servo [as horse]''': Carrots? I love carrots! :. . . :'''Mike''': A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three! :'''Crow''': ''[quietly, as if off in distance]'' ''Aiieee''... :'''Servo''': Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh? :. . . :'''Narrator''': They're into the curb. :'''Servo''': And they're into jazz. :'''Crow [as boy]''': Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya! :. . . :''[One horse is way behind.]'' :'''Mike [as horse]''': Uh, hey guys, wait up! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The race is over. :'''Crow''': And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage. :'''Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]''' ''Elvira...'' :''[Fade to the next scene]'' :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]'' :'''Narrator''': Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The cows are furious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Narrator''': Too soon, the rides are over. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The lawsuts begin. :'''Narrator''': And too soon, all the fun comes to an end. :. . . :'''Crow [as one of the Olsons]''': You spent your nickel, we're done. ==== Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) ==== :''[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to&mdash; :''[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]'' :'''Mike, Servo, & Crow''': AAAAAAAAH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This is so almost ''Mitchell''. :'''Crow''': It's about fifty pounds short of ''Mitchell''. === [[w:The Skydivers|The Skydivers]] === ==== Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) ==== :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Because you're bad at math? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is a Centron production.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, Centron! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[after several seconds of silence]'' Depressed yet? :'''Joe [voiceover]''': You know, it's fun to have an idea. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': There, wasn't that fun? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]'' :'''Joe''': And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': ''[luridly]'' ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood... :'''Joe''': I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': ''[nervously]'' I put them in my underwear! :'''Joe''': ...the bright glare of a welder... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw! :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Yes! :'''Joe''': ...the sharp whine of the power tools… :'''Mike [as Joe]''': ...the piercing scream of a freshman… :'''Joe''': ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep ''Popular Mechanics'' under my mattress! :'''Servo''': The feeling of chaps with no pants! :'''Joe''': ...A wrench... :'''Mike''': Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER! :'''Joe''': ...A plane... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[haltingly]'' These tools are my friends! :'''Joe''': ...or a chisel... :'''Servo''': What about girls young man? Girls? :'''Mike''': No, no, chisels! :'''Joe''': And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': And not a killer! :'''Joe''': Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Then they pants you and drag you around the track… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]'' :'''Joe's buddy''': Wow, you made this? :'''Mike [as Joe]''': I'm making it for the [[w:Ku Klux Klan|Grand Wizard]]. :'''Joe's buddy''': Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store. :'''Joe''': It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it. :'''Joe's buddy''': Kinda slow, huh? :'''Joe''': Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe's buddy''': How'd ya like this shop class, Joe? :'''Joe''': I like it swell. Why? :''[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]'' :'''Servo [as Joe's buddy]''': Could you staple my ears back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] carpenters. :'''Servo [as Mr. Barnes]''': ''[woodenly]'' We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others. :. . . :''[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] foundry men. :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''Oh, you never would believe where those [[w:Keebler|Keebler]] cookies come from...'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': Tool operators. :'''Crow''', '''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Tool operator . . . [[w:Smooth Operator|tooooooool operator]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Crow''': This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch [[w: The_Story_of_Menstruation|the ''other'' film]]! ==== The Skydivers (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Is Frankie here? :'''Beth''': Frankie's not here. :'''Mike''': [[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie goes to Hollywood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': Would you like some coffee? :'''Joe Moss''': Coffee? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Joe]''': What is this "coffee"? :'''Joe Moss''': ''[stiltedly]'' I ''like'' coffee! :'''Beth''': Well, good! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character. :. . . :''[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': Where ''is'' it, your "coffee"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[[w:Terror in the Sky|Terror at Sea-level]]''. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[giggling]'' More terrifying than ''[[w:Airport '77|Airport '77]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]'' :'''Harry''': What happened? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Beth]''': I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Beth looks on as Harry [played by [[w:Anthony Cardoza|Tony Cardoza]]] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]'' :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony. :'''Harry''': Bob, you ready? :'''Bob''': ''[off-camera]'' Sure, Harry! :''[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—! :'''Mike''': ''[sputters unintelligibly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Someone with [[w:Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder|attention deficit disorder]] edited this film. : . . . :''[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]'' :'''Crow''': What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your ''head''? :'''Mike''': Generic Plane. ''Cheaper'' than other planes. : . . . :''[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]'' :'''Crow''': Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for ''you''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]'' :'''Mike''': Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies. : . . . :'''Servo [as Suzy]''': I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion. :'''Suzy''': Will I see you tomorrow? :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Uh, you have to ask the editor. :'''Harry''': ''[monotone]'' No... not tomorrow. :'''Crow [as Harry]''': I have a headache... tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, she's setting up for a [[w:séance|séance]]. :'''Crow''': They're going to invoke the spirit of the [[w:Continuity (fiction)|continuity]] man. : . . . :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Dinner isn't ''white'' enough, honey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs. :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': What if I don't bring 'em with me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernie''': I feel real ''free'' in that wild blue sky. :'''Crow [as Bernie]''': Cops can't touch me ''up there''. :'''Bernie''': ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there. :'''Mike [as Bernie]''': Poopin' on people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]'' :'''Mike''': Seems like they forgot to have things ''happen'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]'' :'''Crow''': Two zips and we're naked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]'' :'''Crow''': He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Well, Frankie, are you chicken? :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]'' :'''Mike''': This isn't ''[[The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''; it's just... some ''stuff''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[muttering]'' I see me a hippie. ''[shouting]'' Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]'' :'''Crow''': A stranger comes to town, touches ''nobody's'' life, and leaves. : . . . :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Now I can do what I ''really'' want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. [[w:What Color is Your Parachute?|What color ''is'' my parachute?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A guitarist resembles [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]]]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's [[w:Amon Göth|Amon Göth]] on guitar! {{hnote|Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]'' :'''Crow [as pilot]''': Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky? === [[w:The Violent Years|The Violent Years]] === <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]'' :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Mike''': '''WHOA!!''' :'''Crow : ''[horrified]'' '''''WHOA, WHOA!!!''''' ''[Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]'' :'''Servo''': Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man! :'''Gypsy''': ''[horrified]'' '''''I FEEL ILL!!!''''' ''[Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]'' :'''Servo''': I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head! :'''Mike''': Ha ha ha ha... '''''GET HIM!''''' ''[Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and Crow are reenacting the gas station hold-up from movie, confusing Tom and Gypsy.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oh, what are they doin'? :'''Servo''': I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie. :'''Gypsy''': Oh... :''[Crow and Mike stand very still, not moving. Gypsy yawns]'' :'''Gypsy''': Uh, Tom? :'''Tom Servo''': Huh? :'''Gypsy''': Was it exciting in the movie? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Well, was it funny? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh? ==== Young Man's Fancy (short) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short begins, Judy is ironing while listening to the radio.]'' :'''Mike''': She's listening to her to dehumidifier. :'''Servo''': Yes, teens dig lush orchestral arrangements. :'''Radio Announcer''': 12 o'clock and time for the headlines of the latest news of the day. According to the latest bulletins-- ''[Judy turns off the radio]'' :'''Crow [as Radio Announcer]''': Ironing can be deadly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]'' :'''Judy''': Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this. :'''Mike''': Yeah, evidently. :'''Mrs. Adams''': Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you. :'''Judy''': Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]'' :'''Mike [as Judy]''': There. Now I look like Mom. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Thank goodness for my electric dress! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, the electric phone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]'' :'''Judy''': Did he arrive? Man, he's positively ''frantic''! :'''Servo [as Judy]''': He runs around screaming! :. . . :'''Judy''': And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, ''squishy''! :'''Crow [as the person on the phone]''': Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]'' :'''Mrs. Adams''': There. Nothing to it. :'''Servo''': AND IT'S QUIET, TOO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]'' :'''Crow''': Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is ''psychotic?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]'' :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[coughs]'' OH DEAR! :'''Judy''': Oh, ''me''! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Did I call that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]'' :'''Alex''': There we are. :'''Mike [as Alex]''': God, you're ''dumb''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome|Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing? :'''Judy''': Dancing? Oh, Alex, how ''dreamy''! :''[Crow begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the closing credits]'' :'''Servo''': This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd! :'''Mike''': And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. ==== The Violent Years (movie) ==== :''[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]'' :'''Mike''': Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: [[w:Ed Wood|Ed Wood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]'' :'''Mike''': She died like she lived... failing algebra. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the off-screen male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]'' :'''Crow''': ''Refuses to Press Charges!'' :'''Servo''': ''Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"'' :'''Mike''': ''Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police car is searching for the girl gang]'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''You said ''you'' knew where the chase was!'' :'''Crow''' [as a cop]: ''No, you said ''you'' knew where it was!'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''Well, I never!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime... :'''Mike''': We don't! Can we go? === [[w:Last of the Wild Horses|Last of the Wild Horses]] === :''[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Uh sure, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': I said Coke. :'''Crow''': I know, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': All I have is Coke. :'''Crow''': Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler. :'''Servo''': Okay. Huh? :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie. :'''Servo''': We are. :'''Crow''': And a show? :'''Servo''': No! :'''Crow''': Then why did you say we're going to a show? :'''Servo''': Because we are! :'''Crow''': What show? :'''Servo''': [[w:Awakenings (film)|''Awakenings'']]. :'''Crow''': That's a movie! :'''Servo''': I know! ''[sighs]'' Are you going to come with? :'''Crow''': Come with what? :'''Servo''': Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?! :'''Crow''': Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you ''borrow me'' some money? :'''Mike''': Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity. :'''Crow''': But Mike, irregardless of that fact... : . . . :'''Crow''': So what time's dinner? :'''Servo''': Noon okay? :'''Crow''': But that's lunch! :'''Servo''': Lunch, dinner, same thing. :''[The Mad's light flashes]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there. :'''Crow''': Ooh, the blinker! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, you're getting too big for that! :'''TV's Frank''': Aw, it's my favorite part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[reacting to the alternate versions' of Frank and Forrester performing "Joey the Lemur"]'' THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED HAVING MY WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT! :'''Servo''': This is horrible; there are no lemurs in this movie! ''[flees while he and Gypsy scream in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]'' :'''[[w:TV's Frank|Frank]]''': You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink! :. . . :''[The credits identify [[w:Albert Glasser|Albert Glasser]] as the film's score composer.]'' :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Forrester]]''': Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and ''pummels'' you with music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Storyteller]''': Ungodly coincidences of the Old West. :''[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]'' :'''Riley''': He dropped something. See what it is. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Riley]''': It's a [[w:Plot device|plot device]]. It's very flimsy, so ''be careful''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]'' :'''Mike [as Riley]''': Ooh! [[wikt:needle in a haystack|Found the needle!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:I Fought The Law|I fought the loft and the loft won.]] === [[w:The Starfighters|The Starfighters]] === :''[over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:Sean Penn|Sean Penn]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, [[w:Christo|Christo's]] latest installa—oh good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': We're gonna bomb 'em back to the Jazz Age! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lyons]''': Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lyons]''': Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Do you know, flying a plane is like making love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Maj. Stevens]''': Uh, you have to pay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Colonel Hunt speaking. :'''Wikowski''': Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hunt]''': Sarah? :'''Col. Hunt''': Who's this? :'''Wikowski''': Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski]''': I sell paneling. :'''Wikowski''': I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago. :'''Col. Hunt''': ''[suddenly smiling]'' Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And his face springs into action! :'''Col. Hunt''': I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you. :'''Wikowski''': Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Wikowski]''': Perhaps dinner... :'''Wikowski''': We have a bit in common, you see... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski/[[w:Liberace|Liberace]]]''': My brother George... :'''Wikowski''': You remember flying in the [[w:European Theater of Operations|ETO]] together, 20 years ago? :'''Col. Hunt''': Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir. :'''Wikowski''': Yes, I suppose so. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to Mike, mishearing]'' They were in [[w:Bachman-Turner Overdrive|BTO]]? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I guess... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]'' :'''Crow''': Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d... :'''Servo''': It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! :'''Mike''': Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb. :''[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.] :'''Crow''': It landed on [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target]'' Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- ''[the missile then blows up the target]'' Oooh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]'' :'''Mike''': "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that... :'''Servo''': It says "Lift Here". :'''Mike''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during yet another scene of planes refueling]'' :'''Crow''': You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you! :'''Mike''': Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Crow''': Uh, cuddling in the afterglow? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Mike''': Uh, multiple partner allusions? :'''Servo''': Got it. :'''Crow''': Uh, premature ejeculation innuendo? :'''Servo''': Yup. :'''Mike''': Gas station jokes. :'''Servo''': Been there. :'''Crow''': Impotence. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. :'''Mike''': Uh, one-night stuff? :'''Servo'''; It's all covered. :'''Mike''': ''[disappointed]'' Okay, let's just watch then. :'''Servo''': Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock. :'''Mike''': Okay, you're right. :... :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the score]'' Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne! :'''Mike''': I don't know where you end and I begin! :''[the fueling process ends]'' :'''Crow [as the plane]''': No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold... :'''Servo''': Oh, a junkie joke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Crashed Pilot]''': Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine! :'''Servo [as Rescuer]''': You were only here for ten minutes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right? :'''Mike''': Um... :'''Servo''': Am I right? :'''Mike''': Yeah. That is correct. === [[w:The Sinister Urge (film)|The Sinister Urge]] === :'''Crow''': ''[to Gypsy]'' We're giving you a shower! :'''Gypsy''': ''[surprised]'' Huh!? :'''Servo''': Oh look, she's surprised, isn't that just darling? :'''Gypsy''': ''[flustered]'' Well, I'm not getting married and... am I pregnant!? :'''Crow''': Oh Gypsy, every woman gets a shower and it's just so lovely! :'''Gypsy''': Well, I'm ''pretty sure'' I'm a woman. :'''Crow''': Open that one first, Mike, it's from me! Doesn't she look lovely? :'''Mike''': It's... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Thank you, how very thoughtful, and lovely! :'''Servo''': Oh, those are just darling, Crow! OK, this is from me... :'''Mike''': And it is... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Oh! :'''Crow''': Just like mine! How darling and lovely! :'''Servo''': Well yeah, Gypsy! I saw that Crow got you the same thing, and that gave me the idea! ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK, this one is from Cambot, and it is pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Better get pinking! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK though, Tom and Crow went on one more... :'''Gypsy''': Oh let me guess, let me guess... Pinking shears? :'''Mike''': Nope... :'''Gypsy''': Oh... . :'''Mike''': Oh I guess it is! Pinking shears! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Crow''': Well Tom saw them and I had to agree! :'''Servo''': How lovely and darling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It's from Frank! Listen to this: ''[reads letter]'' "Dear Gypsy, how are you? I'm fine. I'm going to bomb the living bejesus out of Deep 13. Well, it looks like I'm out of room. Best wishes, Frank." ''[realizes the threat]'' '''OH MY GOD! MIKE! TOM! CROW! WE GOT TO STOP HIM!''' ''[goes back to the letter]'' "P.S. Hope you like the pinking shears." <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': I must say, doctor, you are a real piece of work. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[tied up and strapped with explosives]'' Frank, it you don't cut it out, I'm gonna kill you! :'''TV's Frank''': No, Dr. Forrester... it is ''you'' who are going to kill ''me.'' ''[evil laugh]'' YOU'RESTUCKHERE. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, if Frank goes through with his plan, that means no more mad scientists! :'''Servo''': Which means no more evil experiments! :'''Mike''': Which means no more Deep 13! :'''Crow''': Which means no way can we ever, ever get down to Earth! :'''Servo''': Which eventually means no more Satellite of Love! :'''Mike''': Which means no more... ''[they finally realize what would happen and faint from shock]'' :'''Crow''': ...We've got to help Dr. Forrester save Deep 13! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': We just got to find a way to stop Frank, but how? :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's the sixty-four dollar question... wait! I've got an idea! A door-to-door search! Gypsy, can you give me a schematic of the whole city? :'''Gypsy''': You want the suburbs too? :'''Crow''': All the way to the sticks! I want to see barns and cows and roosters! :'''Gypsy''': There goes my vacation! :'''Crow''': Thanks, doll-face! ''[tries to kiss Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Get out of here, you lug! :'''Servo''': All right, all right, all right! Hold everything! Ha ha! Got the report back from the lab, and guess whose fingerprints are all over the ransom notes? :'''Mike''': Uh, probably Frank's. He signed it. :'''Servo''': Oh, that's right I guess... :'''Mike''': This is a dead end, a blank wall, an empty check! :'''Gypsy''': It's no piece of cake, that's for sure! :'''Mike''': Wait!, Hold it Gypsy, say that again... :'''Gypsy''': I said, "It is no piece of cake!" :'''Mike''': Potato cakes! That's it! :'''Crow''': Potato cakes? :'''Mike''': Remind me to buy you a new hat next payday sweetheart! ''[hugs and kisses Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wow...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It just doesn't make any sense, Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh boy, I wonder if Forrester's planning on killing Frank! ==== Keeping Clean and Neat (short) ==== :''[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]'' :'''Narrator''': Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes! :'''Mike [as Don]''': But that's how they treat me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was! :'''Servo''': [[w:Don Was|Don Was]]? The producer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]'' :'''Servo [as Henry Higgins]''': [[My Fair Lady|Why can't a woman be more like a man?]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices. :'''Crow''': The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ''Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!'' ==== The Sinister Urge (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She must be one of [[w:Bob Packwood|Senator Packwood]]'s aides. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police car changes its model during a scene transition]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the car turned from a Ford into a Plymouth! :'''Crow''': That'll happen... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Romaine''': I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I ''demand''... ''[begins hitting his palm with his fist]'' :'''Crow''': Ow! Ow ow ow! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone. :'''Lt. Carson''': "Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Just how? :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Well, very indirectly. :'''Lt. Carson''': It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! ''[shows pictures]'' :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is... :'''Lt. Carson''': Some will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling... :'''Crow''': No it isn't! :'''Lt. Carson''': ... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear? :'''Mike [as Romaine]''': It's a vague connection, I admit, but... :'''Lt. Carson''': Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine? :'''Crow [as Carson]''': Would ''she'' be interested in the smut picture racket? :''[Romaine slowly gets up and walks silently to the door]'' :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Uhhhhh... :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Would you like to choose a different category, sir? :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh... :'''Mr. Romaine''': Yes... I have ''two'' daughters... :'''Crow [as Romaine]''': And a puppy. :'''Servo''': At least I ''think'' they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gloria and Johnny talk about the ramifications of the recent police raid on her smut picture business, and their plans moving forward]'' :'''Crow''': I'm learning a ''lot'' about porn! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gloria enters the room after leaving briefly in the same scene]'' :'''Mike [as Gloria]''': The was a ''good'' crap! === [[w:San Francisco International Airport (TV series)|San Fransisco International]] === :''[Mike and the Bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park. :''[The logo fades.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, big friggin' deal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title ''San Francisco International'' appears on-screen.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' San Francisco International Airport! Where the big [[w:B-actor|b-actors]] roar! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]'' :'''Servo''': ''Terror'' at... uh, sea level. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Katie Barrett]''': Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]'' :'''Mike''': There's a ''New'' Testament in town! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]'' :'''Crow [as Pernell]''': Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses." === [[w:Kitten with a Whip|Kitten with a Whip]] === :''[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] cartoon blare from the TV.] :'''Mike''': [[w:Carl Stalling|Carl Stalling]]'s in his house! :''[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]] cartoon ''[[w:Canned Feud|Canned Feud]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, something ''good!'' :'''Servo''': All right! :. . . :'''Mike [as David]''': Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]. === [[w:Racket Girls|Racket Girls]] === ==== Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) ==== :''[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]'' :'''Crow''': Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]'' :'''Servo''': Visit your government church! :'''Mike''': First Federal Church, member [[w:Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation|FDIC]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]'' :'''Hall''': When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction... :'''Servo [as Larry]''': Oh ''yeah!'' :'''Hall''': ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...''boing!'' :'''Mike [as Larry]''': You saw my boing? :'''Larry''': How did you know? :'''Hall''': Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing". :'''Crow [as Hall]''': Sometimes there's a "shplurt"! :'''Hall''': For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hall]''': …if one of you is ''cuckoo''… :''[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]'' :'''Hall''': …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until… :''[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]'' :'''Larry''': It's gone! :'''Sue''': Where'd it go?! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Larry]''': ''We're gonna die!'' :'''Hall''': That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Larry]''': ''BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]'' :'''Crow''':''[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|MARINES, WE ARE ''LEAVING''!]] :''[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]'' :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Sorry, back in [[w:Da Nang|Da Nang]] there for a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]'' :'''Sue''': Do we have similar backgrounds? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Do we have any priors? :'''Sue''': Do we agree on our religious beliefs... :'''Crow [as Sue]''': I worship [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]]! :'''Sue''': ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general? :'''Servo [as Sue]''': You know, God and stuff. :'''Sue''': Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': [[w:Bella Donna (album)|So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.]] ==== Racket Girls (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]'' :'''Crow''': Is there a midway nearby? : . . . :'''Mike''': Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise! :'''Crow [as usher]''': Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, another sellout crowd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Scalli''': Hey, Joe! :'''Servo [as Scalli]''': [[w:Hey Joe|Where you going with that gun in your hand?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[nervously]'' I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]'' :'''Crow''': ''Music?!'' Why ''here?'' Why now? '''''WHY US?!''''' === [[w:Ilya Muromets (film)|The Sword and the Dragon]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[leaving while being too weirded out by Mike and the Bots reenactment of the forest tablecloth scene]'' ...You guys are so weird! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the bots put on a satirical political song and dance number]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing while holding a prop gun]'' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I get shot at every day...''''' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm opposed by the NRA- bang bang!''''' ''[pretends to be shot and "dies"]'' ==== The Sword and the Dragon ==== :''[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]'' :'''Mike [as Ilya]''': Man, she's a fox. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see a large banquet taking place]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as man]''': It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a ''pretty'' man... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as man]''': Sven, no! You mustn't! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]'' :'''Ilya''': Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. :'''Servo [as Ilya]''': Let us the nasty do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]'' :'''Crow''': ''Crows!'' My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are? :'''Servo''': ''[doubtfully]'' Uh huh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]'' :'''Little Falcon''': It is as though in a vision... I see my mother! :''[He turns to face Ilya]'' :'''Crow [as Little Falcon]''': Mom! === [[w:High School Big Shot|High School Big Shot]] === ==== Out of This World (short) ==== :''[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]'' :'''Mike''': They're operating under a different theology. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Red is explaining the details of his plan]'' :'''Red''': Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...? :'''Crow [as Red]''': Say I'm starring in ''[[w:Forever Plaid|Forever Plaid]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]'' :'''Mike [as Whitey]''': So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... <hr width="50%"> :''[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': First of all, take a look. ''[holds up bread]'' A loaf of bread. :'''Crow [as Dudley]''': ''Eat every piece!'' :. . . :'''Whitey''': Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important? :'''Dudley''': That's exactly the way I feel about it. :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': ''[miserably]'' I have to. It's all I've got! <hr width="50%"> :''[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different. :'''Servo [as Dudley]''': Watch me come on to a grocer. :. . . :''[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]'' :'''Dudley''': Hey, something new! ''[pushes cart experimentally]'' :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': Be a shame if this ran over your kid... <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill Dudley''': You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking... :''[cut to a montage of grocers]'' :'''Mike [as grocer]''': What a moron. :'''Grocer voiceover''': That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile. :'''Servo [as grocer]''': What's he on? :'''Voiceover''': Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect. :'''Crow [as grocer]''': What does he want from me? :'''Voiceover''': Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself. :'''Servo [as Grocer]''': Why can't he leave me alone? :'''Voiceover''': I like to do business with salesmen like that. :'''Mike [as Grocer]''': But his bread sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this ''[taps head]'' and this. ''[taps inventory book]'' :'''Crow''': A hat and a pad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' That's why I keep these bullseyes handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up. :'''Mike''': Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't... well, you know... ==== High School Big Shot (movie) ==== :''[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the screen test? :. . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He has a haunting ugliness. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a [[w: Andy Warhol|Warhol]] film? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': The Potsie story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered? :'''Crow [as student]''': Uh, Richard Dawson. :'''Mike [as student]''': Fred Sanford? :'''Servo [as student]''': Uh, Larry Hovis. :''[Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': Vince, would you mind answering the question, please? :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little... :'''Mr. Carter''': VINCE! :'''Crow [as Vince]''': Uh, nipples. :'''Servo''': I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir. :'''Vince''': I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please? :'''Mr. Carter''': To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered? :'''Vince''': I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. ''[the class laughs]'' :'''Crow [as Mr. Carter]''': Mr. Malph, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]' :'''Mr. Carter''': Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know. :'''Servo [as Mr. Carter]''': You're 28. You should graduate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then... :'''Marv's Dad''': Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week. :'''Marv''': Really? :'''Marv's Dad''': Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time. :'''Mike [as Marv's Dad]''': Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Betty]''': So, are we going to walk the alleys all night? :'''Marv''': I'm sorry, Betty, honest. :'''Betty''': Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': I've never walked to a drive-in before. :'''Marv''' It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop-- :'''Betty''': Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time. :'''Marv''': Betty. :'''Mike [as Marv]''': Can I sniff your bra? :'''Marv''': I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke? :'''Betty''': I'd love it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Thanks a lot, [[w:Adnan Khashoggi|Adnan Khashoggi.]] :''[Cut to a diner.]'' :'''Mike''': Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]'' :'''Betty''': Oh, Vince. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Will you write a paper for me? :'''Vince''': What's with you? ''[brief pause]'' :'''Mike''': Rebooting. :'''Betty''': With me and Marv? :'''Servo [as Vince]''': Come on, I can't hold this face much longer! :'''Betty''': Oh, you can't be serious. :'''Vince''': Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me! :'''Crow [as Betty]''': He had three dollars! :'''Betty''': But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Would he write mine if I kissed him? : . . . :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Now would you write my shop project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': All this because of a strict English teacher. === [[w:Red Zone Cuba|Red Zone Cuba]] === :''[Frank owes a hefty sum of money to the mob, and is about to convince Dr. Forrester to go out and face them in his stead]'' :'''Frank''': Clay, there's a, uh- Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano here to see you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Huh? Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano? Did I go to high school with him? I bet that's what it is; I went to high school with him. ''[steps into the hallway]'' Joe? Hello? :''[Forrester gets pulled aside and in silhouette is being beaten up by the mob, while Frank grimaces]'' :'''Frank''': Gee, I- I feel kinda bad about this. I must admit I feel partly responsible, sorta. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots are dressed in formal tuxedos shortly before Movie Sign for some gambling]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Attention; the buffet is now being served. :'''Mike, Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[at the same time as Movie Sign blares]'' The buffet?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[depressed sigh]'' You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one... :'''Servo''': Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!? :'''Crow''': That's a great idea! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Okay! :'''Servo''': Hit it, Cambot! ''[singing]'' Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad! :'''Crow''': Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip? :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' So if you listen to our advice, :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And you wanna feel terrific! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Do things that make you feel nice, :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' I wish we could be more specific! ==== Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …after the human nipple. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ...Okay... :'''Narrator''': ...a doll that never talked. :'''Mike''': ''[nervously]'' Just do what he says... :'''Narrator''': Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke. :'''Servo''': Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]'' :'''Narrator''': Be sure to wear a clean shirt... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Be sure to get a brand-new ''chin''. :'''Narrator''': ...and your favorite tie. :'''Servo''': Now you're ready to [[w:The Godfather (film)|rub out Sonny Corleone]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as person slouching while making a speech]'' Women be different than men! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]'' :'''Narrator''': ...You will look poised and dignified. :'''Mike''': Uh, no you won't. :. . . :'''Crow''': Don't do this ''during'' the speech. ==== Red Zone Cuba (movie) ==== :''[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Was he ''always'' a hundred years old? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson ([[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]).]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Kid looks like a reporter from the ''Catholic Digest''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[deep voice]'' John Carradine for [[w:Viceroy (cigarette)|Viceroy.]] :''[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[lisping]'' [[w:Sal Mineo|Sal Mineo]] for Viceroy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in ''The Fugitive!'' :'''Servo [as Curly Howard]''': Hey, Moe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]'' :: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load :: I got Coleman Francis on my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I see some [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer players]] down there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]'' :'''Joe''': Men, we're shoving off right after sundown... :'''Crow, Servo [as Men]''': You shove off! :'''Joe''': …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us. :'''Joe''': At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Ted, you take Havana. : . . . :'''Joe''': We have a man in Cuba that will throw ropes over the cliff at 12 midnight. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': At 12:15 we're captured! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Griffin (played by [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]]) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]'' :'''Mike [as Cuban Soldier]''': The Yankees will pay highly for you, Se&ntilde;or Francis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the owner of a secluded diner]'' I am the Dark Specter of Food. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah! I think my ''neck'' got broken in that jump cut! :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "''I just don't know!''" :'''Crow''': I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt ''me''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Store Clerk]''': Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons! ... :'''Mike''': ''[as store clerk while the trio leaves]'' Thanks for not killing me; right neighborly of ya! === [[w:Danger!! Death Ray|Danger!! Death Ray]] === :''[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray. :'''Mike''': There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound [[w:Interstate 94|94]], you might want to take an alternate route. :. . . :''[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]'' :'''Mike''': What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest? :'''Crow''': It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - ''big'' creative dispute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What country is this taking place in? :'''Mike''': Europe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]'' :'''Mike''': They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]'' :'''Crow''': (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time. :''[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]'' :'''Mike''': In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies. :'''Servo [as watcher]''': Why can't I get the ''Red Shoe Diaries''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They're coming up for more baking soda. :''[Crow begins snickering.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub. :''[Crow snickers again.]'' :'''Servo''': This set is at least three box tops. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[recovering his composure]'' Special effects by... Billy! : . . . :''[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]'' :'''Mike''': Don't go up there! You'll become a toy! : . . . :''[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]'' :'''Sub Captain''': Okay. We can dive. :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now. :'''Crow [as Captain]''': Head towards the drain. :''[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Das Boot|Das Toy Boat]]! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter? :'''Crow''': Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You're the one who knows everything... :'''Mike [as Fargo]''': Who's God? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]'' :'''Henchman''': We're looking for a man. :'''Mike [as Henchman]''': Are you him? :'''Lucille''': My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one. :'''Servo [as Henchman]''': I think you know what I ''meant''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too. :''[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]'' :'''Servo''': Olé! :''[Crow giggles.]'' :'''Mike [as Bart]''': And the way you dove out the window was just terrible! :''[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]'' :'''Servo [as Bart]''': Ooh, sorry, ma'am. :'''Bart Fargo''': That's too bad. :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! What about "he really ''fell'' for me"? Or "his hopes have been ''crushed''"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]]! :'''Crow''': Some little boy is going to be ''very'' upset. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Assassin/Mulwray]''': [[Chinatown (film)#sister-daughter|My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baccarat game is in progress.]'' :'''Croupier''': Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000. :'''Crow [as Player]''': It'd better be a damn good bonk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there! :''[beat]'' :'''Servo''': But it's nice. :'''Mike''': It is nice, yeah. :''[Crow laughs.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo IS... [[w:Hard To Kill|''Hard to—'' watch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo. ''Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo...'' Heh, that's hard! === [[w:The Beast of Yucca Flats|The Beast of Yucca Flats]] === :'''Gypsy''': Huh?... ''[sees the new wallpaper]'' OH, MY GOD! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! ''[Leaves]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Sometimes, a new look takes a little getting used to. ==== Money Talks! (short) ==== :''[William looks at a [[w:Franklin half dollar|Franklin half-dollar]] he's holding.]'' :'''William''': Fifty cents. Half a dollar. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': In those days, that'd buy you a car. :'''William''': Benjamin Franklin, eh? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as William]''': Bite me, Franklin! :'''William''': He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red. :'''Crow [as William]''': He was the best President we ever had. {{hnote|Benjamin Franklin, although a Founding Father, was never President.}} : . . . :''[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]]! {{hnote|Director Alfred Hitchcock's trademark image was a stylized silhouette of his ample girth.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Franklin''': You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Franklin]''': …James Joyce. :'''Ben Franklin''': …something quite unheard of in my day. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fathers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar] :'''Mike''': Benjamin Franklin was tried in the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit|Eighth circuit court]] on [[w:stalking|stalking]] charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. {{hnote|A reference to the famous ending of Dragnet}} ==== [[w:Progress Island U.S.A.|Progress Island U.S.A.]] (short) ==== :''[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later! <hr width=50%> :'''Narrator''': An American Democracy... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Would be really great. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': And very hard to sleep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move. :'''Mike''': Hawaii? :'''Crow''': No, an ''island!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of a school are shown.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bilingual schools. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Bisexual students. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh. When did they change the name? :'''Servo''': A Quinn Martin production. :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[as the music ends]'' PUERTO RICO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': So you might as well just stay where you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a Burger King...]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, indigenous cuisine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over quick shots]'' :'''Mike''': With this, and this, and ''that!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]'' :'''Crow''': Here, money is exchanged for coconuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Students are shown at college.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Latka Gravas|Latka Gravas]] goes to class. :'''Crow [as Latka]''': Thank you veddy much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': It's ''[[w:Room 222|Room Dos-Dos-Dos]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Here, we're flying in another trumpet section. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the next piece of background music]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, let's get funky now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Look, just come here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another piece of background music ends.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': PROGRESS! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]'' :'''Crow''': Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held. :'''Mike''': Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid. :'''Servo''': Here, [[w:Up With People|Up With People]] get down. :''[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]'' :''Mike [singing]'': [[w:Achy Breaky Heart|Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart]]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': GAMBLING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family. :'''Servo''': Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]'' :'''Crow''': Hit me! :'''Narrator''': A band concert under warm, tropical skies. :'''Crow''': The music of [[w:John Phillips Sousa|John Phillips Salsa]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago. :''[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': A CENTURY AGO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over shots of tropical flowers.]'' :'''Narrator''': Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year. :'''Mike''': As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cows grazing.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Here are some moo cows. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]'' :'''Servo [as worker, drunkenly]''': I love this job! :'''Narrator''': Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So, drink rum constantly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of front of [[w:Digital Equipment Corporation|Digital]] building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Why, even aliens from Mars are here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]'' :'''Narrator''': A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology. :''[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]'' :'''Mike''': Things with blinky buttony-type things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]'' :'''Crow''': Then KISS came to town! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff. :. . . :''[We see record players being made.]'' :'''Mike''': These'll never go out of style. :'''Crow''': Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, we'll move there! :'''Servo''': Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the short's closing screen]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did ''not'' offend. ==== The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]'' :'''Mike''': Get off my land, you credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", [[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]] as the titular beast.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play The Butler. :'''Mike''': Tor Johnson as The Beast, that's just smart casting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a chase scene.]'' :'''Servo''': Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]] way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's ''Beast of Yucca Flats''. A Francis Ford Coppola film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Flag on the moon. How'd it get there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': These are all just random sentences, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Touch a button, things happen. :'''Mike''': ...Uh, sometimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Rootie patootie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': His limericks aren't very good... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Vacation time. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So... goodbye. :'''Narrator''': People travel east, west... north or south. :'''Servo''': And some people just burrow straight down, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the mountain...]'' :'''Narrator''': To get to the top... a man needs an airplane. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Or a giant pogo stick. :'''Narrator''': Jump from a plane, land at the top. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Jaworski, [[w:Ron Jaworski|Ron Jaworski]]. Played quarterback for the Eagles. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is chased by a light plane.]'' :'''Servo''': Ahh, bit of a ''ripoff?'' :'''Mike''': Coleman steals from [[w:North by Northwest|''only'' the best!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A man murdered, a woman's purse. :'''Servo''': A thin plot, endlessly restated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': [[w:Eleanor Rigby|Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Beast]''': Why, ''why'' can't I get a baked potato before five in this town? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury. :'''Mike [as the Beast]''': Ah, fudge! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Aren't you ashamed of yourself? :'''Narrator''': Noted scientist. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Family man, and your candidate for city council! :''[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]'' :'''Mike''': So? What ''about'' him?! === [[w:Angels Revenge|Angels Revenge]] === :''[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]'' :'''Michelle''': We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here. :''[Terry sticks her thumb up.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Terry]''': Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now! :''[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Maria]''': Hah-hah! It's anonymous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I don't have any lines. :'''Crow:''' But you get to wear slinky dresses and carry guns and stuff! :'''Gypsy:''' Not this sister! ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I feel so insignificant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, sound by [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts! :'''Mike:''' No, don't... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in [[w:Blaxploitation|Blaxploitation]]-esque outfits.]'' :'''Crow''': I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, you're giving away the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]'' :'''Farrell''': Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad. :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': He's our only customer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Diner]''': How's about someone shine my steak over here?! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''April''': Women ''can'' make a difference. :'''Crow''': Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musical score apes ''[[w:Also sprach Zarathustra (Richard Strauss)|Also sprach Zarathustra]]'' as the Angels' combat van appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Vaguely Strauss, ''but notttt!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terry''': I've got an idea. :''[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]'' :'''Servo''': What a great idea! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]'' :'''Crow''': It's the [[wikt:T%26A#Etymology_1|T & A]]-[[w:The A-Team|Team]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]'' :'''Mike''': Right now, [[w:Benny Hill|Benny Hill]] is smiling down from heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Andrea Dworkin|Dworkin]]fest '78! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell ([[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]).]'' :'''Crow [as Farrell/Palance]''': Oh, no! He saw ''[[w:City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold|City Slickers II]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]'' :'''Farrell''': May I speak to you for a moment please? :'''Crow [as Farrell]''': 'It's about my report card. :'''April''': Yes? What can I do for you? :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': What's this "Incomplete" crap? :. . . :'''Farrell''': I'd like to talk to you about my nephew, he's ah... he's in a little trouble. You're his teacher, I understand. :'''April''': Well sure, I have a minute. What's his name? :'''Farrell''': ''[Finally close enough, drops the act.]'' You broads really think that you can get away with this. :'''Crow [as April]''': Well that's a weird name! === [[w:The Amazing Transparent Man|The Amazing Transparent Man]] === :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo]'' So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey? :'''Mike''': ''[staring forward blankly]'' You people bring matches for Mikey? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise]'' '''YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP!''' You folks don't give ''NO'' matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! '''Don't''' give him no matches!! ==== The Days of Our Years (short) ==== :''[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': So, we have 70 days in each year? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reverend''': Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there. :'''Crow''': Oh, sure— HUH? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]'' :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': ''[guiltily]'' I didn't hate accidents enough... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]'' :'''Mike [as Reflection]''': ''[gravelly voice]'' Come over to this side! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Reflection]''': ''[eerily]'' Obey the toaster! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on Joe's fiance Helen]'' She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe". :'''Mike''': So his name is Joe Joe? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]'' :'''Narrator''': She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away. :'''Crow''': Speaking of accidents... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[noticing a theme]'' So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[during funeral sequence]'' Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[curtly]'' ...because he's DUMB! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]'' :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Tom]] [as George]''': Boring! :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as George]''': ''[as he shuts the curtains]'' There, my problem went away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on the frailty of time]'' A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years... :'''Mike''': A disastrous one would be cool to watch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]'' :'''Crow [as director]''': Hey, we're tryin' to film here! ==== The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]] in ''[[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the music]'' ::He's amazing and amusing, ::he's delicious and nutritious, ::two for breakfast, one for... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors. :'''Mike [as Dr. Ulof]''': You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]'' :'''Servo''': If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving. :. . . :'''Crow [as Dr. Ulof]''': Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal. :. . . :''[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]'' :'''Crow''': Kind of an abstract sculpture of [[w:Jayne Mansfield|Jayne Mansfield]]. :. . . :''[Ulof inserts a [[w:Dremel|Dremel]]-like device between the two globes.] :'''Mike''': I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty! :. . . :'''Mike''': All this just to get a UHF station? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, he's with the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Keep your eye on the guinea pig. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Keep your ''eyeeeee'' on the ''guinea pig!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.] :'''Mike [as Faust]''': I'll be right back right after this. === [[w:Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro|Samson vs. the Vampire Women]] === :'''Crow''': Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the [[w:Cher|Cher]] jokes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.] :'''Crow''': [[w:Rebecca (novel)|Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]'' :'''Crow [as Owl]''': ¡Qui! ¡Qui! {{hnote|Apparently meant to be Spanish for 'Who! Who!', a word-play on the English for owl hooting in this Mexican film — except that '¡Quien!' is the correct word - 'Qui!' is French.}} : . . . :''[a loud shriek is heard]'' :'''Mike''': "Someone taped over ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]''!" : . . . :''[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]'' :'''Crow''': Let the Cher jokes...begin. :'''Servo''': Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]'' :'''Servo''': Another successful [[w:José Eber|José Eber]] makeover. :'''Crow [as Tandra]''': I'm pretty, so I have value now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Diana plays the [[w:Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)|"Moonlight" Sonata]], four bats hover outside her window.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the woodland creatures ''love'' her music! :'''Crow''': I don't get the physics of a hovering bat. :'''Servo''': The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation! :'''Crow [as Bat]''': I don't know how long I can keep this up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles''': Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious. :'''Professor Orlof''': You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you? :'''Mike''': Puppet theater? :'''Charles''': Well that's easy, start by explaining. :'''Professor Orlof''': I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss. :'''Charles''': Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening. :'''Servo [as Charles]''': And that makes it hard to get the scene going! :'''Charles''': How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from? :'''Professor Orlof''': Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say. :'''Charles''': Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up. :'''Professor Orlof''': No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss! :'''Mike [as Orlof]''': But forget I said anything. :'''Professor Orlof''': That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone! :'''Crow [as Charles]''': Look, you invited me here! :'''Charles''': Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how? :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': I can't tell you, now leave me alone! :'''Professor Orlof''': Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana. :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': Now get out of here! :'''Charles''': Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party? :'''Professor Orlof''': That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate! :'''Charles''': Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good. :'''Professor Orlof''': No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! ''[Charles leaves the room]'' :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': No wait, come back! :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Why won't he help me??? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]'' :'''Crow [as Woman]''': We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! {{hnote|This movie was one of over 50 Mexican wrestling films starring El Santo (aka Samson).}} :'''Servo''': Ah, the entire Mexican middle class. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[trying to stifle a laugh]'' ''Pfft''HA'''''HA!!!''''' :'''Samson''': I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on? :'''Servo [as Samson]''': I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress? :. . . :'''Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...? == Season 7 == === [[w:Night of the Blood Beast|Night of the Blood Beast]] === ==== [[w:Once Upon a Honeymoon (1956 film)|Once Upon a Honeymoon]] (short) ==== :''[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, how many times [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] and [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] had sex! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The_Producers_(1968_film)|Springtime for Hitler and Germany]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]]]''': Lucy, I'm dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a wide shot of the living room]'' :'''Mike''': They live in a doll house! :'''Crow''': You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]'' :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that. :'''Servo''': One of 32 short films about... this guy. :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"? :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music! :''[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] came over to help. :'''Mary''': No inspiration, darling? :'''Jeff''': I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today. :'''Crow [as Mary]''': Why would you wanna write him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a castle in the sky... :'''Mike''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, well, wish in one hand and ''crap'' in the other and see which one piles up first! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' Away up high where bluebirds like to fly... :'''Servo [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wish I could have sex with [[w:Louis Nye|Louis Nye]]... :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more... :'''Crow [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wouldn't have to dress like [[w:Tipper Gore|Tipper Gore]]... :. . . :''[Wilbur, Jeff and Mary's marriage guardian angel, sprinkles "Miracle Dust" onto Mary.]'' :'''Mary''': I wish... :''[Beat for one second]'' :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'': I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day... :'''Crow''': AIM HIGH, SISTER! :''[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish that refrigerator door would close and stay closed... :'''Mike [as the fridge]''': Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refrigerator. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit... :'''Crow''': ''[in a Australian accent]'' Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000! :. . . :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish my living room were all redone... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Citizen Kane|I think owning a newspaper would be fun]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]'' :'''Mike''': Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]'' :'''Mike''': That's about as sexy as a garage. :. . . :'''Crow''': One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma. :. . . :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these. :. . . :'''Servo''': Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Here's how far I've gotten: '''LA'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Male Neighbor]''': Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Female Neighbor]''': Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Money (Pink Floyd song)|Money]]... :'''Jeff''': Wait a minute, do that again! :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum. :'''Jeff''': Yeah! Yeah! Why not? :'''Servo [as Jeff]''': I'll call someone to write the song! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing along]'' Everybody was... [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|kung fu fighting]], yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to Shakey's! :''[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[gasps]'' Elton John was here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This would make a great companion movie with ''[[w:Eraserhead|Eraserhead]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': The following scene contains graphic sexual content. :'''Servo''': Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway? ==== Night of the Blood Beast (movie) ==== :''[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[w:John F. Kennedy|JFK]]]''': [[w:Apollo program#Background|Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County]]. :'''Servo''': It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]'' :'''Dr. Wyman''': No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Wyman]''': Well, let's give him more time to die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': And the Steves are there! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Wyman''': I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long. :'''Mike [as Wyman]''': And I love it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]'' :'''Dave''': Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute? :'''Servo [as Donna]''': Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! :'''Mike [as Dave]''': I could have done ''that''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave hears something.]'' :'''Dave''': Steve? :'''Mike''': ''Not everyone is Steve!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]'' :'''Crow [as Donna]''': Um, have you guys seen my brush? :'''Donna''': Steve. :'''Mike [as Julie]''': Yes? :'''Servo [as Dr. Wyman]''': Yes? :'''Crow [as Steve]''': Yes? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]'' :'''Servo''': And the Steves are there! :'''Crow''': Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh god... I'm pregnant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]'' :'''Mike [as Dr. Wyman]''': What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]'' :'''Crow''': This is still a better movie than ''[[w:Junior (film)|Junior]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]'' :'''Donna''': Here's something to complicate things even more. :'''Crow''': I took these upside down! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve enters in from the lab.]'' :'''Steve''': They're gone. :'''Crow [as Steve]''': My brownies are gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hard to trust somebody not named Steve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]'' :'''Crow''': Carry me. :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': Carry me! :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': CARRY ME! :'''Servo''': Shut up! :'''Crow''': Unnnnnnh... === [[w:The Brute Man|The Brute Man]] === ==== [[w:The Chicken of Tomorrow|The Chicken of Tomorrow]] (short) ==== :''[Over the short's title screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[Bill Clinton]] Story! :'''Servo''': The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a dedication in the opening credits] :'''Crow''': Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war. :'''Mike''': Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is going on here? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate. :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' No, it isn't. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Betty, must you sit ''in'' dinner? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as farmers pack chickens in cages for delivery]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going? :'''Servo''': Chickens are shipped to the set of ''Oklahoma!'' :'''Mike [as chicken]''': I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. ''[clucks]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': I'd like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more of the Man of Today? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And on large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on. :'''Servo''': There it is! No, wait, there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine! :'''Narrator''': Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': ''[muffled]'' I'm in the incubator now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]'' :'''Mike [as egg]''': Hey, can I go to the bathroom? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, stay in there. :'''Mike [as egg]''': Oh, come on. Can I go home? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, the door's locked! :'''Crow''': I've seen [[w:List of I Love Lucy episodes#Season 2|the episode]] where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]'' :'''Narrator''': The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And this fellow. :. . . :'''Narrator''': This one unit holds 85,000 eggs. :'''Servo''': And one bathroom for all of them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]'' :'''Mike''': This is gonna be hot, hot, hot! :. . . :'''Servo''': Mork calling Orson... :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here! :. . . :'''Servo''': That is one bloodshot eye. :. . . :'''Crow''': Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' How dry I am— ''[hiccups]'' :. . . :'''Narrator''': And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The Partridge Family|Come on down and meet everybod]]— Oh, sorry. :. . . :'''Mike''': I hate it when people tape their own deliveries. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aren't there [[w:L'eggs|supposed to be pantyhose in there]]? :. . . :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Oh, what did I do last night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hey guys, it's God! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade. :'''Servo''': Yeah, for ''pervs''! :''[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]'' :'''Crow [as farmer]''': Whoa, [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids. :''[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]'' :'''Mike [as baby chick]''': It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral. :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group! :'''Mike''': 40 piece chicken nuggets to go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But wait a minute, you may be saying... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Why am I watching this? :'''Narrator''': Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three? :'''Servo''': You bet! :'''Narrator''': Indeed they can! :'''Servo''': ''[surprised]'' ...Hey, I was right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]'' :'''Narrator''': Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I said "''Speed'' is '''ESSENTIAL'''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]'' :'''Mike''': That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken! :''[the next scene fades in]'' :'''Crow''': Chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]'' :'''Mike [as girl]''': How many are ''you'' sitting on? :'''Crow [as girl]''': Dad went a little nuts this Easter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Broadway! :'''Narrator''': ...is the brooder house. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Designed by [[w:Frank Lloyd Wright|Frank Lloyd Wright]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Eat and grow forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the first few days, the paper can be removed. :'''Crow''': Except for the sports section. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After the chicks are two or three weeks old, they can be allowed out of doors if the weather's good. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And if they've completed their lessons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than one hundred birds. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or migrant workers. :'''Narrator''': The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents. :''[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]'' :'''Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]''': RODENTS?! '''''AAAAHHH!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of chickens eating]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight. :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Does this taste funny to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]'' :'''Narrator''': You know how chickens are. :'''Servo''': Yeah, they own everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Remember the old henhouse? :'''Servo''': The one with the ''rats''? :'''Narrator''': It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel. :'''Mike''': Rooms by the hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Open your hymnals to number 325. :. . . :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Everybody! [[w:Soylent Green|Soylent Green]] is made from chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]'' :'''Mike''': There's no point; it's just funny! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]'' :'''Narrator''': A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': She will live. :'''Narrator''': Keep that one. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': She's worth millions. :'''Narrator''': But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table. :'''Servo''': Or put a warning slip on her desk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Stop throwing them at my car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': So put your mouth under a chicken. :. . . :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]'' :'''Narrator''': When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work. :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]'' :'''Mike''': Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]'' :'''Mike''': It's [[w:Goofus and Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]. :. . . :'''Crow''': This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': May I have a piece of my own white meat please? : . . . :''[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced ''very'' thinly]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, thanks for the generous portion! : . . . :'''Crow''': Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron. :'''Servo''': These must be models' portions. :'''Mike [as server]''': This one's for you, [[w:Kate Moss|Miss Moss]], and for you, [[w:Christy Turlington|Miss Turlington]]... : . . . :'''Crow''': ''[in Ritzy accent]'' Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! :'''Servo''': You can carry it in your wallet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market. :''[The next scene fades in]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We bring you now to market. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. He's drunk! Look at him. :. . . :''[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Put your hand up. Buy a chicken. :'''Mike''': ''[raises his hand]'' I want one... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [[Dirty Harry|Alright, come on, sing, sing! ''Row, row, row''— you're not singing!]] :'''Narrator''': Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant. :'''Crow''': Dressing plant? Sounds like fun. :'''Servo''': I want a new hat. :''[Shot of a gas station]'' :'''Narrator''': One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market. :'''Mike''': Even to the Texaco station. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]'' :'''Crow''': There's no driver! The chickens are taking over! ==== The Brute Man (movie) ==== :''["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffett]''': Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]'' :'''Crow [as Cop]''': ''[with exaggerated Irish accent]'' All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]'' :'''Mike [as Moffet]''': They forgot my [[w:Fruit Brute|Fruit Brute]] cereal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout]'' Hey, it's [[w:WUCW|KTMA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Haskins''': [holding a grocery list] Where'd this come from? :'''Jimmy''': Somebody stuck it under the door. :'''Mr. Haskins''': [annoyed] Uhh... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': I hate customers! :'''Jimmy''': Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door? :'''Mr. Haskins''': No! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jimmy]''': Go to hell! :'''Mr. Haskins''': And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it! :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Piss off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': Hal? Hal? Hal? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Helen]''': [[2001: A Space Odyssey|Open the pod bay doors, Hal.]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]'' :'''Crow''': Hey fella, why the long face? :'''Mike''': Now, come on... :'''Crow''': ''[laughing]'' I'm sorry, I couldn't... :'''Mike''': I begged you not to do that! :'''Crow''': I know... :'''Servo''': That hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker... :'''Crow''': In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing. :''[Mike and Servo both crack up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[annoyed]'' Why didn't they just call this movie ''The Creeper''? ''Brute Man'', pah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, [[w:Don't_Fear_The_Reaper|don't fear the creeper]]. === [[w:Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell]] === :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, where's the [[w:Metal_umlaut|umlaut]]? :'''Servo''': Oh, these guys are, like, warriors ''from Hell!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, let's see how long these accents last. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see how long THESE accents last! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': We're taking it to the streets! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, it looks like I'm [[wikt:masturbate|boxing the clown]] again tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.] :'''Servo [as warrior]''': Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh... :''[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troxartis''': ''[haltingly, overacting]'' This has. Nothingtodowith. Being ''RICH''. :'''Servo [as Troxartis]''': I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking ''WITH'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound. :''[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': I just heard an eagle meow! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]'' :'''Khorsa''': You sleep in the barn! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Deathstalker]''': This ''isn't'' the barn? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Khorsa]''': ''[addressing the Warriors from Hell]'' Excuse me, Mr. Moose? :'''Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]''': We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|We're the knights of the round table!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh no, he made a saddle out of [[w:Grover|Grover]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]'' :'''Mike''': This movie is like playing [[w:Doom (video game)|Doom]] when there's no monsters or opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deathstalker''': ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women. :'''Mike''': [[w:Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee O-dee|Spo-dee o-dee]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]'' :'''Mike [as attacker]''': Remember, top rung not to be used as a step! :'''Crow [as attacker]''': Who ''are'' we?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]'' :'''Mike''': What the— Uh? Th— Oh... ''[as Troxartis]'' You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]'' :'''Marinda''': I love you! :'''Servo''': Quick! Jam a potato in the wound! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Marinda]''': You were my first... tuber. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': She came from somewhere back in your long ago. :'''Mike [as Deathstalker]''': Look, just shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''' ''[as army]:'' We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]'' :'''Crow''': Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach. : . . . :''[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. {{hnote|Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: ''Ore-Ida is all-righta!''}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]'' :'''Mike [as the man]''': [[Chinatown (film)|Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]'' :'''Mike [as a member of the crowd]''': He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over! === [[w:The Incredible Melting Man|The Incredible Melting Man]] === :''[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship." :'''Mike''': I was born on a pile of... Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[chuckling]'' "Round Guy With Surfboard" International. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the movie's title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:George Hamilton (actor)|George Hamilton]] Story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, they got to Saturn fast! :'''Mike''': It's all freeways now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Astronaut''': I.M.U., ready to launch. :'''Crow''': You are ''not'' me, stop saying that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]'' :'''Loring''': How many weeks is she? :'''Ted Nelson''': Fourteen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Loring]''': A little young to be pregnant, isn't she? :. . . :''[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]'' :'''Servo [as Loring]''': So when do you think the people who work here are coming back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]'' :'''General Perry''': How's it looking? :'''Ted Nelson''': Not too good. :'''Servo [as Nelson]''': ''[whispering]'' There's a black guy in my office! :. . . :''[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]'' :'''General Perry''': About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': 1600 hours? So, like five months from now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''AADGKA!'' :'''Servo''': Ah, aadgka, of course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]'' :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''[sulkily]'' General wants to go find the ''aadgjka'' melting man. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve escaped. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh God. :'''Mike [as Judy]''': Aadgka? :'''Judy Nelson''': What're you gonna do? :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.{{hnote|Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny.}} :'''Ted Nelson''': Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something... :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[annoyed with herself]'' Aadgka. :'''Judy Nelson''': Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too. :''[She brings over his soup.]'' :'''Mike''': Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors. :''[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''[ignoring the question]'' So, we don't have any crackers? :'''Judy Nelson''': Ted. Steve? :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Raging Bull|Raging Bull]]''. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve? :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''Steve'' had crackers! :'''Ted Nelson''': I've got to go out and find Steve. :'''Judy Nelson''': Why you? :'''Ted Nelson''': Because nobody else is supposed to know. :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Rye crisps, Sociables, ''anything?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]'' :'''Mike''': This man is a brilliant tactician. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]'' :'''Mike''': Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You guys know, is there a ''credible'' melting man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Nelson''': DON'T SHOOT, I'M DR. TED NELSON! :''[The security guard shoots Ted on the spot.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the melting man]'' Whoa! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]'' :'''Servo''': What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead! :'''Mike''': Well now the movie has to mop up after itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A black janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]'' : '''Servo''': ''[as janitor]'' I'll never understand white people... :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[almost cracking up]'' So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]'' :'''Mike''': So, they learned nothing. :'''Servo''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care. :'''Servo''': I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket. :'''Mike''': ''[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning]'' I learned never to name a child "Burr". :'''Crow''': Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha... :'''Mike''': Very good. :'''Crow''': I kill me. :'''Servo''': Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard. :'''Mike''': I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make ''very tepid'' ironic statements. :'''Crow''': We learned it's good to have [[w:Saltines|Saltines]] around your house. :'''Servo''': I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics. :''[Mike notices a credit for [[w:Jonathan Demme|Jonathan Demme]] on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Jonathan Demme?!'' Ah, who cares. Anyway? :'''Servo''': Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops. :'''Crow''': And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program. :'''Servo''': What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You? :'''Mike''': Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place. :'''Servo''': Good lesson. :'''Crow''': Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter. :'''Servo''': Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby. :'''Mike''': I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary. :'''Servo''': Aadgka! :'''Crow''': I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand. :'''Servo''': Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days. :'''Mike''': And neither are actors. :'''Servo''': Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear. :''[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]'' :'''Crow''': Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like ''[[w:Berlin Alexanderplatz (television)|Berlin Alexanderplatz]]''. :'''Servo''': I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that? :'''Mike''': ''[sitting down]'' Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s. :'''Crow''': I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful. :'''Servo''': Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. [[w:Johnny Carson|I did not know that.]] :'''Mike''': We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything. :'''Crow''': Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, [[w:Rick Baker (makeup artist)|people]] can ''abuse'' spirit gum and latex. :'''Mike''': Oh, I hear ya. === [[w:Escape from the Bronx|Escape 2000]] === :''[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, why is John Madden signing [[w:Samuel Goldwyn|Samuel Goldwyn's]] signature? :'''Crow''': Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film starts, squads of [[w:Stormtrooper|Stormtrooper]]-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares] :'''Loudspeaker''': You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :''[A man is thrown out a window]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Man]''': ''I forgot my luggage...!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully! :''[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': ''Okay, you convinced me!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations! :''[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[snickers]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Loudspeaker''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Servo [as Loudspeaker]''': Even though this is [[w:Cinema of Italy|Italy]], leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :'''Mike [as Loudspeaker]''': You, too, [[w:Henry Silva|Henry Silva]]. :'''Loudspeaker''': The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition! :'''Crow [as Loudspeaker]''': Therefore, we suggest you— :'''All [as Loudspeaker]''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable... :'''Servo''': So leave the Bronx. :'''Mike''': Just leave the Bronx. :''[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]'' :'''Servo [as loudspeaker on van]''': Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson! :. . . :'''Mike''': Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Loudspeaker''': Isolate area P-6. :'''Crow''': And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]'' :'''Crow [as Trooper]''': ''[terrified]'' Gary saw a [[w:silverfish|silverfish]]! Aaaahh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]'' :'''Servo [as Stormtrooper]''': Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]'' :'''Crow [as Disinfester]''': I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's ''left the Bronx'', Ted. :'''Servo''': Pretty much. :'''Mike''': We gratefully acknowledge the [[w:Aluminium foil|Reynold's Wrap]] corporation for donating the costumes. :''[They come across a homeless man]'' :'''Mike [as Bum]''': Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx. :''[He looks up at the Disinfesters] :'''Crow [as Bum]''': I thought it was a suggestion! :''[The troopers close in on him]'' :'''Servo''': When [[w:Habitat for Humanity International|Habitat for Humanity]] ''cracks down''! :'''Bum''': Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave! :'''Disinfester''': You should have left earlier. Eliminate! :'''Mike''': Wow, the [[w:Orkin|Orkin Men]] have snapped! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]'' :'''Servo''': They're rehearsing a [[w:David Mamet|David Mamet]] play in there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]'' :'''Crow''': A [[w:Mussolini|fascist Italian]]? Come on!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moon Grey''': ''[being dragged from a press conference]'' ...and the GC Corporation sucks! :''[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]'' :'''Mike [as Reporter]''': Is that true? Do you suck? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]'' :'''Crow''': ''[chuckles]'' I think they blew their cover here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]'' :'''Crow [as Trash]''': D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. The [[w:Sword of Damocles|ladder of Damocles]]. :'''Crow''': Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''President Clark''': So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash. :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. They're both... under... '' [points at random place in Bronx model] ''...there!'' [points somewhere else]'' ...or maybe there! :'''Servo''': ...right there! :'''Wrangler''': But somewhere there! :''[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]'' :'''President Clark''': Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite? :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Crow''': You guys didn't rehearse, did you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': Oh what did you step in! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Hi! Kill us! :''[They get shot.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Trash blows up a van]'' :'''Mike [as DJ]''': Alright, we're here in the [[w:KROQ|KROQ]] Supervan giving out a— ''[The van explodes. Crow screams.]'' :'''Servo [as Trash]''': Hey, rats. That was my van! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]'' :'''Mike''': Cleanup in Borough Five! === [[w:Laserblast|Laserblast]] === :''[The credits display: "Laserblast".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''Terrible'' name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elmer Fudd]''': I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe. :. . . :''[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Edward Scissorhands|Edward CDplayerhands]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A pan shot reveals a stop motion alien emerging from a spacecraft.] :'''Mike''': Oh great, [[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T. calls, we come, and he's not here.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, now on to movie ''three!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]'' :'''Servo''': So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]'' :'''Billy''': Pow! Pa-pow! :'''Servo''': After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow". :'''Mike''': Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow". :''[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]'' :'''Servo''': I think he's doing [[w:Frampton Comes Alive!|''Frampton Comes Alive'']]. :'''Mike''': ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz. :'''Crow''': Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "''fffwissshh''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Billy]''': Yeah... I think you ''are'' gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]'' :'''Mike''': ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone. :'''Servo''': There's a point where it stops being a movie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kathy''': Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary. :'''Mike''': ''More'' ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]'' :'''Crow''': Teens love their ''cake'' pool party! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]'' :'''Chuck''': Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give ''you'' his red hot frank. :'''Girl''': From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot. :'''Crow [as Chuck]''': She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke! : . . . :''[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]'' :'''Mike [as Chuck]''': There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]'' :'''Crow''': This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of ''[[w:Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide|Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide]]''.] :'''Mike''': OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, ''[[w:My Favorite Year|My Favorite Year]]'' barely edges it out with three stars. :'''Crow''': Huh. :'''Servo''': Look here, ''[[w:Hannah and her Sisters|Hannah and her Sisters]]'' is superior only by one star. :'''Mike''': Oh wow. :'''Crow''': ''[watching the film]'' Oh great, now a tire fire starts ''just'' off camera! :''[Servo coughs. Mike turns a page.]'' :'''Mike''': OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to ''[[w:My Dinner With Andre|My Dinner With Andre]]''. :'''Crow''': Uhh— :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' ''[[w:The Name of the Rose (film)|Name of the Rose]]''... this is a better film than ''Name of the Rose!'' It only got two stars! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Being There|Being There]]'', two stars. :'''Mike''': Uh, ''[[w:Lucas Tanner|Lucas Tanner]]'' the movie was directed by [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]]... I just thought I'd point that out. :'''Servo''': Oh. Good. :'''Mike''': Lemme see here... :'''Crow''': ''[reading the credits]'' Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] and [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]] get billing ''over'' [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]]? :'''Servo''': Look Mike, ''[[w:Birdman of Alcatraz (film)|Birdman of Alcatraz]]'', three stars. ''Marginally'' better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[still reading the credits]'' They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong... :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' What else you got? :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', three stars. :'''Crow''': Hm? :'''Servo''': Shame, isn't it. :'''Mike''': Oh, hey, ''[[w:The Seven Samurai|Seven Samurai]]'', two stars. :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': I'm kidding. :'''Crow''': Oh. :'''Servo''': I hope so. :'''Mike''': According to this, ''[[w:A Fish Called Wanda|A Fish Called Wanda]]'' was as good a film as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[dismissive]'' D'oh... :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'', ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'', three stars—''barely'' superior to ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Mm-hm. :'''Crow''': Same for ''[[w:Diner (film)|Diner]]''. :'''Mike''': Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom|Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]''. :'''Crow''': Well, ''that's'' possible... :'''Servo''': And the same caliber as ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Last Crusade]]''&mdash;two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh. And, uh, and yet: ''Blame It On the Bellboy''... four stars. :'''Servo''': ''[unbelieving]'' ''Where?'' :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' What? :'''Mike''': No, I'm kidding. :'''Servo''': Oh, you... You... jeez... :'''Mike''': So, [[w:Kim Milford|Kim Milford]]'s greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]]'s tortured performance as Salieri in ''[[w:Amadeus (film)|Amadeus]]''. :'''Crow''': According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Bagdad Café|Bagdad Café]]'', brilliant subtle comedy—no better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Here's where it gets hard—''[[w:Harry and the Hendersons|Harry and the Hendersons]]'' is every bit as good as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': [[w:Carson McCullers|Carson McCullers]]' classic ''[[w:The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (film)|The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]''—no better than ''Laserblast''. :''[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[reluctant]'' No, no— :'''Servo''': Uhp, [[w:John Schlesinger|John Schlesinger]]'s [[w:Academy Award|Oscar]]-winning thriller ''[[w:Marathon Man|Marathon Man]]''—on par with ''Laserblast'', two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Right, so [[w:Laurence Olivier|Laurence Olivier]]'s chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, ''no better'' than the butt-faced sheriff in ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Mike''': OK, ah— :'''Servo''': Ah, look here, look here, ''[[w:The Outlaw Josey Wales|Outlaw Josey Wales]]'' AND ''[[w:Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]''! Oscar-winner. ''Quintessential'' Westerns, [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] at his ''finest''. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike. :'''Mike''': Uh, yeah... :'''Servo''', '''Mike''': Same as ''Laserblast''— :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. ''[[w:Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]''— :'''Servo''': Uh huh. :'''Mike''': Uh... here's one, ''[[w:Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]''— :'''Servo''': No! :'''Mike''': ''[[w:The Great Santini|The Great Santini]]''— :'''Servo''': Oh, I can't believe that! :'''Mike''': ''All'' two-and-a-half stars. :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': The same quality. :'''Crow''': Also known as "Ace", by the way. :'''Mike''': Yes, "Ace". :'''Servo''': ''[as they leave]'' Peers to ''Laserblast''. == Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie ([[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]) == :''[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Mornin', Mike! :'''Mike''': ''[exhausted]'' Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? ''[drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven. :'''Mike''': ''[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face]'' And sweet yams? :'''Gypsy''': Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! ''[Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk]'' Here's a hard-copy! ''[gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading]'' The [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] lost again. :'''Servo''': ''[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches]'' Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm? :'''Mike''': No, Tom. Everything appears nominal. :'''Servo''': Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be? :'''Mike''': ''[listens to the sound/noise]'' Yeah, what is that? :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''what is that'', hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is ''not'' something you should be hearing. Something's ''causing'' this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here.... :'''Mike''': Okay, Tom. Where's Crow? :'''Servo''': ''Where's Crow?'' Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand! :'''Mike''': ''[Turning to Gypsy, alerted]'' Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him! :'''Gypsy''': Roger! ''[familiar ''Commercial Sign'' alarm is active]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance ''basement'' bay, inevitably making yet ''another'' escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing [[w:It's a Long Way to Tipperary|It's a Long Way to Tipperary]]]'' It's a ''long way'' to ''tipperary''... ''[*Thunk!*]'' To the ''sweetest'' girl I ''know''...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' Goodbye to [[w:Noah Beery|Noah ''Beery'']]... ''[*Thunk!*]'' Hello [[w:Harold Lloyd|Harold ''LLOOOOOOYD'']]...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' :'''Mike''': ''[O.S.]'' Crow! :'''Crow''': Huh? :'''Mike''': Crow, listen, you gotta stop! :'''Crow''': Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! ''[*Thunk!*] :'''Servo''': ''[hovering down]'' Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space! :'''Crow''': Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! ''[*Thunk!*]'' ''[continues singing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushes to Crow]'' Crow, no! You'll breach the hull! :''[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life]'' WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! :'''Crow''': Woah, I didn't expect ''this''! :'''Servo''': Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... ''Stabilize''! There, that should do it— ''[gets sucked towards hole]'' WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :''[Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]'' :'''Crow''': Wow, this ''is'' confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations? :''[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you! Wow, look at that: ''"Breach Hull - All Die"''! Even had it underlined! Hah! :''[Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! ''[*Sproing!*]'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :''[Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]'' :'''Mike''': SERVO! :''[Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[impressed and satisfied]'' Attaboy, Servo! :'''Crow''': I won't do ''that'' again! :. . . :'''Servo''': Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether ''new'' to me, and frankly... I ''LOVE'' IT! :'''Mike''': Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts. :'''Crow''': Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway. :'''Mike''': Now, here you go. ''[pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]'' :'''Servo''': ''[upsettingly]'' Aw, darn! :''[*Ding! Ding! DING! ''DING!''*]'' :'''Gypsy''': It's time! Dr. F is calling for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah! Mike! ''Robots!'' I'm feeling particularly ''evil'', because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called ''This Island Earth!'' You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently! :'''Mike''': Uh, sure, we have! Last week! :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, no, no. I think that was more of a ''curtsy'' of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... ''NOW?'' ''[cuts off life support systems]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— ''[starts choking]'' :''[Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]'' :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[panicking]'' Bowing, sir! :'''Servo''': ''[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]'' :''[Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez! :'''Crow''': What a dickweed! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go? :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[dejected]'' Yes... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know... :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': You won't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Then, prepare yourself for ''[[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]!'' ''[pulls a lever]'' :''[*''Movie Sign'' Alarm*]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN! :''[Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous ''Countdown Door Hallway'' that leads to the auditorium.]'' :'''[Dr. Forrester]''': ''[as Mike and the others call out for the Metalunian they were talking with to come back, and Forrester appears on-screen]'' ...Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise, like who '''doesn't''' have an Interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember: I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat! ''[zaps them with lasers from the Interocitor, while laughing evilly]'' I am the God... I'm the God!! ==== This Island Earth (movie) ==== :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as they enter]'' It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had! :'''Mike''': Notice how [[w:Big in Japan (phrase)|big Japan]] is? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Oh, who sneezed on the credits? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen]'' :'''Mike''': Isn't the fact that it's Universal ''make'' it International? <hr width="50%"/> :''["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]'' :'''Servo''': This Island Earth can be yours if [[w:The Price is Right|The Price is Right]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, the universe is really cruisin'! :'''Servo''': Hey, there's [[w:Taurus (constellation)|Taurus the bull]]! :'''Mike''': And over there's the Constellation Feces. :'''Crow''': Oh, look. [[w:Orion Pictures|Orion]] is bankrupt. :'''Servo''': Shatner, Shatner, Shatner... No, he's not in this one, we're ''safe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': When in California, be sure to visit beautiful... :''[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]'' :'''Servo''': ...oh. :'''Crow''': ''[as golf announcer]'' It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital. :'''Mike''': Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! You can see the [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] losing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh jeez, there's [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer teams laying all over the place!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor. :'''Servo''': Early [[w:LSD|LSD]] tests in the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe running towards the Jeep]'' :'''Crow''': Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose. :'''Dr. Meacham''': Lowering the cylinder. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Inserting the breakfast pastry. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ''[darkly]'' The secret government Eggo project. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Contact [[w:Aunt Jemima|Dr. Jemima]]! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': God, I love the blueberry ones best. :''[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Increase the rate of reaction. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Start warming the syrup! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Yum! :''[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Check rate of radioactive decay. :'''Crow [as Meacham]''': Increase the [[w:Flash Gordon|Flash Gordon]] noises and put more science stuff around.{{hnote|Are you sure about this, Crow? Is this going to apply in other future Sci-Fi films, like ''Star Wars'', of course?}} : . . . :''[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]''': Oh, my God! My waffle! [[w:Hindenburg disaster#Historic newsreel coverage|Oh, the humanity!]] :''[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]'' :'''Mike''': Fries are up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Here's something my wife could use around the house. :'''Crow''': A man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': No, sir. That's paper! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the [[w:Interocitor|Interocitor]].]'' :'''Servo''': But before unpacking – [[w:D'oh!|D'OH]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': There are 2,486 parts. :''[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Uh, 485, sir! :''[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Where do we start? :'''Meacham''': Right here. ''[points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': At Goofy Clown Face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': You know what my kids would say... :'''Servo''': ''[interrupting]'' "You're not my real father!" :'''Joe''': "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!" :'''Meacham''': Plug it in, Joe. :'''Mike''': Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': My name is Exeter. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': ''Doug'' Exeter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': No, farther ''towards'' the killzone, please! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Yeah, God I'm good! :''[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor.]'' :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Dear God, I left the iron plugged in! :''[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope! :''[The Interocetor is now ablaze.]'' :'''Servo''': Quick, get the baking soda! :'''Mike''': Boy, the landlady's going to be mad! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': ''[imitates knocking noise]'' Are you boys cooking up there?! :'''Mike''': No! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': Are you building an Interocetor?! :'''Mike''': ''[casually]'' NO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham pushes a microphone-like [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brack enters the scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]]! :'''Crow''': He goes through a lot of [[w:Brylcreem|Brylcreem]]. :''[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]'' :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Don't mention his head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Dr. Meacham! Good morning! :'''Meacham''': Good morning. :'''Exeter''': Please, come in. Both of you. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': We're glad you could join us at the [[w:Buddy Ebsen|Buddy Ebsen]] society! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': What I want to know is... :'''Exeter''': ''[interrupting]'' Who we are.... why we're here. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': And why do I have a picture of a burger on the wall? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adams''': Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death. :'''Exeter''': The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': You fine, foxy lady! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve Carlson''': Dr. Adams. :'''Ruth''': Yes, Steve? :'''Mike [as Carlson]''': What's this [[w:Gilligan's Island|"and the rest"]] crap? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]].]'' :'''Meacham''': What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? :'''Exeter''': I'm afraid I don't know the gent— :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien! :'''Exeter''': My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. :'''Meacham''': ''Our'' composer? He belongs to the world. :'''Exeter''': Yes, indeed. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien. : . . . :'''Exeter''': We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': [[w:Alien (creature in Alien franchise)|Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack.]'' :'''Carlson''': Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' NO!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Elliot Ness|Ness]] and his men speed towards [[w: Al Capone|Capone's]] hideout! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, [[w:A Flock of Seagulls|A Flock of Seagulls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]'' :'''Exeter''': Place your hands above the rails. :''[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]'' :'''Exeter''': They're magnetized. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': That's enough. Normal view. :'''Mike, Servo, and Crow''': ''[singing in time with the dramatic music]'' Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW! <hr width="50%'> :''[We get our first look at Metaluna from orbit – and it's a burned-out, bombed-out husk of a planet.]'' :'''Servo''': What kind of shithole planet ''is'' this?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': RUTH! MEACHAM! :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I LOVE YOU! :'''Meacham''': ''[picks up boulder]'' Stand back, Exeter! :'''Exeter''': Meacham, please! You have to believe me! :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': You're holding a Mutant turd! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': ''[to the Mutant]'' Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK! :'''Mike''': ACTING! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go... :''[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain.]'' :'''Crow [as the Mutant]''': OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': Oh, Carl. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Uh, Cal. :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': ... oh, Cal. :'''Ruth''': Home... :'''Meacham''': Thank God it's still here. :'''Crow''': [[w:TGIF|And Friday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000]'' "Puppet Wranglers"? There weren't any puppets in this movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's the Amazing Rando! :'''Servo''': Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind! :'''Crow [as Rando]''': Now, we've never met before, have we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Julie Walker" appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Julie [[w:Walker, Texas Ranger|Walker: Texas Ranger]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credit for [[w:Eastman Kodak|Eastman Film]].]'' :'''Servo''': Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits end with "all rights reserved".]'' :'''Mike''': All rights are reserved, [[w:Dirty Harry|Callahan]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]]''': Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl? == Season 8 == === [[w:Revenge of the Creature|Revenge of the Creature]] === :''[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as [[Planet of the Apes (1968)|George Taylor]]]''': A planet where apes evolved from men? :'''Professor Bobo''': Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': You did it! You finally did it! :'''Professor Bobo''': ''[apathetic]'' "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': It's a madhouse! A... :'''Professor Bobo''': ...madhouse. ''I know!''{{hnote|Planet of the Apes reference.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Gill Man]''': ''[In time with the dramatic music]'' Here I am! I'm the Creature! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Boy, [[w:Esther Williams|Esther Williams]] didn't age well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]'' :'''Miss Abbott''': Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miss Abbott]''': And... evolve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]'' :'''Crow [as a New Yorker]''': Does he got a ''[[w:penis|thing?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]'' :'''Crow''': Everybody's drifting over to the "World of [[w:barnacles|Barnacles]]" exhibit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]'' :'''Servo''': Jeez, the [[w:Josef Mengele|''Mengele'' Institute for Marine Research!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]'' :'''Police Captain''': Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Police Captain]''': The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! === [[w:The Leech Woman|The Leech Woman]] === :''[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]'': :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]]. :'''Mike''': I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns. :'''Servo''': That means you're a sexual predator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]'' :'''Malla''': When we are alone, I will speak. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Talbot]''': Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Neil Foster''': Mrs. Talbot, I know this is painful, but it's one of those things that have to be done when you plan a divorce. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': You have to be married. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]'' :'''Crow [as Guide]''': Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]'' :'''Crow [as Lion]''': Um... [[The Lion King|hakuna matata]]? : . . . :''[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Teri shuts Neil out of her room suddenly, and Sally enters the house]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey. :'''Sally''': I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try? :'''Servo [as Neil]''': Nah, let's go get a burger. :'''Neil''': No I- I don't. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': I left you some gum in the car... :'''Neil''': I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs. :'''Servo [as Neil]''': There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked. :'''Neil''': ''[defensive]'' Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... ''[Sally walks away]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]'' :'''Neil''': Teri... would you marry me? :''[Teri pulls away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Neil]''': Uh... uh... I withdraw the question. :'''Teri''': Oh, Neil — I can't. :'''Servo [as Teri]''': Starfleet forbids it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many "African" scenes.]'' :'''Mike''': Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's gonna die of nonchalance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is like a murderous episode of ''[[w:The Lucy Show|Lucy]]''. === [[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]] === :''[The film begins with an introduction from Professor [[w:Frank C. Baxter|Frank C. Baxter]] of the [[w:University of Southern California|University of Southern California]].]'' :'''Baxter''': This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable. :'''Mike''': It's a fabulous funny freak-out. :'''Baxter''': But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over... :'''Crow''': You'll feel dirty. :'''Baxter''': You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told. :'''Servo''': It's a story botched. :'''Baxter''': It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye. :'''Mike''': Peanut nostrils happy clams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]'' :'''Bentley''': We'll make camp here! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot (MST3K)|Crow T. Robot]]''': Then we'll dig our graves over there! === [[w:The Deadly Mantis|The Deadly Mantis]] === :'''Crow''': ''[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth]'' [[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced]]. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[mournfully]'' Yes; the Earth has been destroyed. :'''Mike''': ''[as Movie Sign blares]'' No, even '''worse''' than that; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For every action... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': There is a [[w:Action_Jackson|Jackson]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]'' :'''Narrator''': Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Canada, our mortal enemy. :'''Narrator''': ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]'' :'''Crow''': You know what? Screw you Greenland! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A volcano erupts.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Menard's Guy]''': It's a magma flow of savings at [[w:Menard's|Menard's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]'' :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford? :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': General Tennessee Ernie Ford? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': ... Yes. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Well, try lancing it. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over. :'''Mike [as Dr. Jackson]''': General wants another foot massage. :'''Marge Blaine''': Everything alright? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Of course. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': They just demoted me to the gift shop. :'''Marge Blaine''': Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you. :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': It is so! :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Very nosey. :'''Marge Blaine''': Okay, be mysterious. :'''Mike [as Marge]''': I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret? :'''Marge Blaine''': Hope to die. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': They found an old bone up at the north pole. :'''Crow''': ''[as Marge says nothing]'' Mrs. Bert Lahr. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. ''[leaves]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with [[w:premature ejaculation|dishonorable discharge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]'' :'''General Ford''': I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines... :'''Crow [as Ford]''': I'm not gay! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Parkman]''': But I've got a mantis in my pantis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the 'bots are lost travelling through deep space. They're trying to use the radio, only to find out that all of the radio stations are all country music stations.]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy? === [[w:The Thing That Couldn't Die|The Thing That Couldn't Die]] === :''[The black and white Universal logo appears]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': In weather today, the oceans turned black! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with the title: ''The Thing That Couldn't Die''.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]] Story! :'''Mike''': ''Couldn't'' die or ''wouldn't'' die? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Shouldn't? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]'' :'''Jessica''': You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. :'''Servo''': A trade rat? :'''Jessica''': Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. :'''Servo [as Jessica]''': …in Maine. :'''Mike''': You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]'' :'''Mike [as Linda]''': The rats put in a new crystal! :'''Linda''': It still runs. :'''Servo [as [[w:John Cameron Swayze|John Cameron Swayze]]]''': John Cameron Trade-Rat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]'' :'''Gordon''': Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. :'''Mike [as Gordon]''': He had a little tool and die shop down there. :'''Servo [as Gordon]''': I think I got most of the rat droppings off it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]'' :'''Flavia''': What's that? :'''Crow''': Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Oklahoma (musical)|There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The whole movie was leading up to ''this'' shot. :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Brought to you by the Breast Council. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': Buy breasts where you work or bank! === [[w:The Undead (film)|The Undead]] === :''[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie! :''[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That's it, we're doomed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Satan, the Prince of Cabaret. : . . . :'''Mike''': This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater! : . . . :'''Servo''': Peter Pan, Antichrist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]'' :'''Quintus''': We breathe as one. We are one. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Franklin]''': You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. :'''Quintus''': When I touch you… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Quintus]''': [[w:I Touch Myself|I think about myself]]. No, no, no, wait. :'''Quintus''': …we will be one. :'''Servo [as Quintus]''': We'll be me, for convenience' sake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]'' :'''Servo''': Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages. :'''Mike [as [[w:Ray_Szmanda|Ray Szmanda]]]''': Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]'' :'''Servo''': Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike. :'''Mike''': ''[cringing]'' Ohh. Damn you, Servo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]'' :'''Servo [as Knight]''': Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a knight confronts Smolkin]'' :'''Knight''': Do you jest with me, gravedigger? :'''Smolkin''': Again, I cannot say- I am mad; and therefore cannot tell a jest from a joust. :'''Mike''': ''[of Smolkin]'' Digs graves and plays with your mind! ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Smolkin]'' And would thoust get me a '''''[[w:Mad (magazine)|Mad Magazine]]'''''? :'''Servo''': ''[as Smolkin]'' I have to watch '''''[[w:Mad About You|Mad About You]]''''' tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]'' :'''Satan''': Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… :'''Crow [as Satan]''': Route 666! :'''Satan''': …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. :'''Mike [as Satan]''': …to sleeping audience. : . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as Satan laughs]'' [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|You're stuck here!]] :'''Satan''': Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"]'' O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]'' :'''Mike [as Knight]''': ''[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue]'' Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Helene expounds on the dilemma facing her:] :'''Mike''': I've never known more about what ''isn't'' going on in a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quintus''': STAAY!! === [[w:Terror from the Year 5000|Terror from the Year 5000]] === :''[Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin.]'' :'''Scientist 1''': Now ''there's'' an interesting sample! :'''Crow''': Now ''there's'' an interesting line read! :'''Scientist 1''': What is it? :'''Scientist 2''': Don't know yet. :'''Servo''': Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire''': I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown. :'''Dr. Hedges''': I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! {{hnote|A line from the song ''One Night in Bangkok'', from the musical Chess.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]'' :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': Now what's going on? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': Who's that other guy? :'''Crow [as Hedges]''': Where are we going? :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': What is this fluid under my feet? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': What happened to the day-ball? :'''Crow''': Let's chip in and buy this movie a light. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! They whacked [[w:Toonces|Toonces]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, he killed a [[w:mafia|made]] canary, so they had to do 'im. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erling''': Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hedges]''': Genocide? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hedges]''': Slavery? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': Diseased blanket spreading? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]'' :'''Hedges''': Is there a good movie in town? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[snorts]'' Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh heh heh! :''[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]'' :'''Mike, Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Victor/Joe Buck]''': [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please! That's a hideous thought. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in ''[[w:The_Age_of_Innocence_(film)|The Age of Innocence]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Or was it ''[[w:Sense_and_sensibility_(film)|Sense and Sensibility]]''? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I think it was ''[[w:Barfly_(film)|Barfly]]''. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, that's it. === [[w:The She-Creature|The She-Creature]] === :''[To keep the Observers at bay so Pearl and Bobo can escape, the Nanites place a Number 7 move on the planet below]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, what's a Number 7? ''[the planet explodes]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, you blew up '''another''' planet! What is your deal? :'''Mike Nelson''': I just told them to take care of a little problem! :'''Crow''': And they did! Here comes Mike- Destroyer of Worlds! :'''Servo''': Oh God of Fire and Vengeance... stay away from me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]'' :'''Barker Johnny''': I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So she's a carnival ''preceder''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]'' :'''Erickson''': Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee. :'''Andrea''': I'd like that. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Erickson]''': Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Erickson/Fuller]''': My first question: will I get the part in ''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|This Island Earth]]''? :'''Erickson''': What year is it, Andrea? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Elizabeth]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Year of the Cat (song)|The year of the cat]]. :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': 1618, the Year of Our Lord. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elizabeth/[[My Fair Lady|Eliza Doolittle]]]''': In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire. :'''Erickson''': Who is the reigning monarch? :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': [[w:James I of England|James]] [[w:James Stewart (actor)|Stuart]]. :'''Mike [as [[w:It's a Wonderful Life|George Bailey]]]''': Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]'' :'''Lombardi''': There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor? :'''Erickson''': No. :'''Lombardi''': He did what I told him without a single word. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': That's because he's a ''dog''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[gasps]'' Donald Duck has the [[w:One Ring|Ring of Power]]! :... :'''Crow''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] goes snorkeling! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card." <hr width="50%"/> :''[The creature has just mortally attacked Lombardi as blank-faced Dr. Erickson looks on:] :'''Mike [as Erickson]''': Well, mmm, gosh, I, mmm... Hmm. Uh... :... :''[Erickson continues to emote incomprehensibly:] :'''Crow''': Fear? Elation? What is it? :... :'''Crow''': Despair? Love? Joy? Tell us! :... :'''Crow''': Concern? Passion? Hunger? What, Lance? :... :'''Crow''': Ennui? Angst? Apathy? ''Gas?'' :... :'''Servo''': Cold? Jubilant? Headache-y? :'''Mike''': His emotional memory is the previous scene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Man, if ever I wanted to put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[stinger; Bobo lies on the floor of the Camping Planet, in pain from the crash landing]'' :'''Bobo''': ''[weakly]'' Ow; my spine. Ow... === [[w:I Was a Teenage Werewolf|I Was a Teenage Werewolf]] === :''[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing to the ''Bonanza'' theme]'' We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And the 35-year-old high school students look on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Tony]''': But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, [[w:Bonanza#Theme song|Bonanza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Frank]''': ''[muttering]'' "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I ''thinking''? It's like 47 miles! :'''Crow [as Frank]''': I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of. : . . . :'''Servo''': ''I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]'' :'''Mike [as Arlene]''': ...and I like you ''because''...? :'''Tony''': I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this. :'''Crow [as Arlene]''': Because you're a jerk? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a ''high school!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]'' :'''Crow''': Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine! : . . . :''[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Judy Garland|Judy Garland]] runs out of pills. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. :'''Mike''': I thought the night belonged to love. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. === [[w:The Giant Spider Invasion|The Giant Spider Invasion]] === :''[First lines of the movie]'' :'''Man''': Sheriff! :'''Sheriff [Played by [[w:Alan Hale, Jr.|Alan Hale, Jr.]]]''': [[w:Gilligan's Island|Hey, little buddy!]] :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]'' :'''Olga''': Wait, you forgot your back brace. :''[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Ugh, he's pink! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[cheering]'' Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]'' :'''Servo [as Dan]''': Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala! :. . . :'''Dan''': What the [expletive deleted] hell was that? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Dan]''': Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Repeated line]'' :'''Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]''': [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': Like a Rock! {{hnote|This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]'' :'''Mike''': And the movie ''ramps'' up the revulsion! :'''Crow''': This movie hates us, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After interminable redneck hijinks, the film cuts to astronomer Dr. Jenny Langer in a laboratory.]'' :'''Crow''': A showered person... thank God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]'' :'''Ev''': Diamonds are supposed to cut glass. :'''Crow''': Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy! :'''Dan''': ''[walks toward window]'' :'''Servo''': Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape! :''[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]'' :'''Crow [as Dan]''': [[w:Aryan Nation|...Aryan...Nation]]...rules... :'''Dan''': ''[excited]'' Will you look at that!? :'''Mike [as Dan]''': ''[excited]'' I made a [sic] "R"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]'' :'''Ev''': You look like you could use a drink. :'''Servo [as Ev]''': And a shower, and a job. :'''Dan''': I found another body... :'''Mike [as Ev]''': Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]'' :'''Mike''': I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]'' :'''Mike [as Spiders]''': We're your dirty socks! Wash us! :'''Crow''': Giant ''Puppet'' Invasion! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]'' :'''Servo [as Spider]''': Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]'' :'''Crow [as a mob member]''': Free [[w:Bobby Seale|Bobby Seale!]] :'''Servo [as a mob member]''': [[w:Free Mumia|Free Mumia!]] :'''Mike [as a mob member]''': Free beer! . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as another mob member]'' No more schools; more hockey arenas! . . . :'''Sheriff''': ''[observing the mob from a distance]'' They're hell-bent on destroyin' that thing! :'''Crow''': ''[as a mob member]'' We're hell-bent! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I'd like to say a few words. Uh, this guy's dead, the end. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as more townspeople fall victim to the giant spiders]'' And yet, [[w:Bill Rebane|Bill Rebane]] escapes unharmed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the film credits roll]'' You know, when Barbara Hale won her Oscar, she gave a very touching speech where she said- to effect- "VAAAAANCE!!". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[urging Bobo to fight back against the alien pods]'' You're the only one who can do it; you're a magnificant mountain gorilla. You are Bobo- son of Koko! :'''Bobo''': Yes- yes! '''And''' heir to the great lineage of [[w:Saru No Gundan|Godo]], Mogo and [[w:Speed Racer|Chim-Chim]]! ''[springs into action with an invigorated roar]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobo''': I saved you and the whole galaxy! Aren't you proud? :'''Pearl''': You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my [pod clone] body. Brain guy, send them the movie - ''again.'' :'''Mike, & The Bots [over the credits]''': MOVIE SIGN! AGAIN! === [[w:Parts: The Clonus Horror|parts: the clonus horror]] === :''[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]'' :'''Mike''': Hooray for the '70s! :'''Crow''': [[w:Shaun Cassidy|Shaun Cassidy]] for President! :'''Servo''': We want [[w:Billy Beer|Billy Beer]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']'' :'''Crow''': Apparently [[w:e. e. cummings|e. e. cummings]] wrote it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': Oh, I don't think this is headed toward a happy ending. :'''Mike''': Y'know, at this point any ending would make me happier than I've ever been. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Dick Sargent|Dick Sargent]]. Didn't he play [[w:Dick York|Dick York]] on ''[[w:Bewitched|Bewitched]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Guide]''': This is not ''sanctioned'', gentlemen. You are doing this on your own… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]'' :'''Lena''': I like it. It gives me time to write. :'''Richard''': Write? :'''Lena''': Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas. :'''Crow [as Lena]''': I've already filled a [[w:Post-it note|Post-it note]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex beside a campfire and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]'' :'''Crow:''' Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey! :. . . :''[Later, David picks up a book]'' :'''Mike [as David]:''' ''Crotch Fires and You''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]'' :'''Mike [as Richard/[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|Winston Smith]]]''': Whaddya know — we ''aren't'' at war with Eurasia! : . . . :''[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes! : . . . :'''Mike [as Richard]''': Black helicopter… [[w:Roswell UFO Incident|Roswell]]… [[w:Area 51|Area 51]]… [[w:Waco Siege|Waco]]… [[w:Coca-Cola formula|formula for Coca-Cola]]… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jake''': This place you keep talking about, Clonus... :'''Servo [as Jake]''': Is there a bar? :. . . :'''Jake''': Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything? :'''Crow [as Jake]''': Speaking of, where's the bathroom? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]'' :'''Rick''': You knew about the tape, didn't you? :'''Jeff''': Yeah. You saw the tape? :'''Rick''': Yeah, and it's scary. :'''Crow [as Rick]''': [[w:Adam Sandler|Adam Sandler]]'s in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]]''': "[[w:James Arness|James Arness]]: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on [[w:Biography (TV series)|Biography]]. === [[w:The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies]] === :''[As the show opens, the Bots are doing [[w:Walkathon|walkathons]].]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, what about you, Servo? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development". :'''Mike''': Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group. :'''Servo''': No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the ''acronym'', Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]'' :'''Mike''': The shroud of [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]]. :. . . :'''Servo''': Face is the result of slash and burn shaving. :'''Mike [as zombie]''': You'd tell me if my face was disintegrating, right? :'''Servo''': He's turning into a brisket. :'''Crow''': It's a portrait of [[w:Bob Dole|Bob Dole]]'s inner child. :. . . :'''Crow''': He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair. :. . . :'''Crow''': [[Tom Petty]] in the morning. :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee. :''[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the music in the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': The organ has emphysema. :. . . :'''Mike''': Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the "[[w:Libby's|Libby's]], Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle]'' If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it... :'''Mike''': The music's gonna break into "[[w:Chest Fever|Chest Fever]]" any minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]'' :'''Jerry''': The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... ''depressed''. :'''Mike''': ''[[w:Highlights for Children#Goofus & Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]'', the movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': How's college? :'''Madison''': Fine. You should try it some time. :'''Jerry''': No thanks. The world's my college. :'''Crow''': He's taking it pass-fail. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "[[w:Silent Night|Silent Night]]"-like tune.]'' :'''Mike''': You know, the 14-year-old boys who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': The "Feliz Navidad" dancers. :. . . :'''Crow''': Now, were these dance numbers supposed to be provocative or merely boring? :'''Mike''': Well, provocative in their boringness? :. . . :'''Mike''': Hair-trigger precision. They're like the [[w:Blue Angels|Blue Angels]] of dancing. :'''Servo''': Yeah, one wrong move and they all ''crash''. :'''Crow''': There's something ''Laverne & Shirley''-esque about this. :. . . :'''Servo''': ''Riverdance'': The strip show! :'''Mike''': Ah, halftime at the Orange Bowl. Never fails to disappoint. :. . . :'''Mike''': So how is this a tribute to Madeline Albright? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Carmelita performs]'' :'''Crow''': Joel Grey, ladies and gentlemen. :'''Servo''': Isn't that the guy Danny Bonaduce beat up? :'''Mike''': Watch as she walks around. :'''Crow''': You know, Noam Chomsky should pick better warm-up acts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carol and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]'' :'''Mike [as Carol]''': First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your… :'''Mike, Crow [as Chorus]''': [[w:Schick (razors)|Schick]] out of shape! :'''Servo''': Now, everybody— shave! :'''Crow''': Replace your blade every two weeks! :'''Mike''': No nicks or cuts! Comfort and convenience! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]'' :'''Servo''': [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own ''gravy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]'' :'''Jerry''': Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me. :'''Harold''': Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know? :'''Jerry''': ''[shocked]'' ''Job''? :'''Servo [as Jerry]''': I'm a respected neurosurgeon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing who played Madison]'' :'''Mike''': Madison is, Madison. :'''Crow''': Drunk played by himself. Hobo, himself. Stripper, herself. === [[w:Jack Frost (1964 film)|Jack Frost]] === :''[Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''':[[w:Jack Sprat|...could eat no...frost.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson IS... '''''LORD OF THE DANCE'''''! :'''Gypsy''': Oh!... did the other one die? :'''Crow''': I dunno... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[after Mike finishes a display of dancing]'' Oh... Um, yaaay! Well, there's this sink I need to take a look at, so I'll just... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Stepmother forces Nastenka to knit outside in the night]'' :'''Stepmother''': Here's a place where you can knit, Nastka, and you won't wake my darling, little Marfushka. The moon is out, there's plenty of light. :'''Mike [as the Stepmother]''': [[w:Chernobyl disaster|Chernobyl]]'s on fire, it's great! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]'' :'''Mike''': So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]'' :'''Crow''': Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl returns from dropping off the Space Children, finding Bobo and Brain Guy debating over which ape movie is better: [[w:Every Which Way But Loose|Every Which Way But Loose]] or [[w:Any Which Way You Can|Any Which Way You Can]] ] :'''Pearl''': What the hell is going on here? Thinking ''Every Which Way But Loose'' is the best ape movie... what do you know about ape movies? The best ape movie- '''the''' best ape movie- ever is ''[[w:Dunston Checks In|Dunston Checks In]]''; end of story. ''[adresses the Satelite of Love, unaware Mike is behind her]'' Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! :'''Mike''': Uh, I'm right here. :'''Pearl''': Oh... ''[turns around to face Nelson]'' ...until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Russian names are on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stepmother''': ''[after telling Nastenka to knit socks outside]'' They better be done by the time the rooster crows, you hear me? Otherwise, I'll tear your braid off! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka, singing]'' M is for the many times you beat me... O is for the other times you beat me... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]'' :'''Nastenka''': Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Sun]''': And you are…? :'''Nastenka''': Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Sun]''': ''[beeps]'' This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume… :''[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's ''fine''; you knit your ''sock''. : . . . :'''Nastenka''': Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn! :'''Mike [as Mafia don]''': Some day you'll return the favor... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This is a test of the [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|Emergency Broadcast Chicken]]. :'''Servo''': Man, [[w:Saint Peter#Denial of Jesus|Peter]] must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] gets drunk and screws with his neighbors. : . . . :'''Crow''': If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape! <hr width="50%"/> :''[To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.] :'''Ivan''': Nastenka! :'''Servo''': It was her bucket full of [[w:Minoxidil|Rogaine]]. :'''Ivan''': What's the matter? :'''Crow [as Ivan]''': Am I un-''bear''-able? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' Damn it, [[A Midsummer Night's Dream|Puck]]! This time you've gone too far! :'''Ivan''': What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?! :'''Mike''': ''[as Ivan, crying and running off]'' Mommy!! :'''Servo''': ''[as Ivan/Yogi]'' [[The Yogi Bear Show|I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket]]! :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka]'' We have to register at Club Wed! :'''Nastenka''': Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you! :'''Ivan''': ''[angrily]'' I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch! :'''Servo''': Tonight on a very special [[w:The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams|Grizzly Adams]]. :'''Mike''': ''[as Nastenka]'' Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivan''': ''[lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear]'' I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather! :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' It's funny when you think about it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:KGB|KGB]] has her under surveillance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse]'' :'''Father Mushroom''': Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask... :'''Servo''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Do I crap in the woods? :'''Father Mushroom''': ...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; '''only''' yourself. You offended everyone else. :'''Crow''': Heed these words, Mike. :'''Father Mushroom''': Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings. :'''Ivan''': I hurt her feelings?! :'''Father Mushroom''': You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice: :'''Mike''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Shave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in [[w:Narnia|Narnia]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a [[w:Matryoshka doll|Matryoshka doll]].]'' :'''Stepmother''': Nope! Not a princess. :'''Servo''': She's got that healthy clown glow. :'''Marfushka''': Oh, no? :'''Stepmother''': You are a ''queen''! :'''Mike''': In that you look like [[w:Freddie Mercury|Freddie Mercury]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond]'' And the Freelance Shame Squad is there! . . . :''[later the group returns and the camera focuses on a blond-haired boy in the crowd]'' :'''Servo''': It's a young Mike Nelson! :'''Mike''': ''[offended]'' Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom is seen observing Ivan from a distance]'' :'''Servo''': Mushroom Guy is really starting to piss me off! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Hunchback Fairy/Baba Yaga has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]'' :'''Ivan''': Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry! :'''Fairy''': Are you afraid? :'''Ivan''': Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel! :'''Mike [as Ivan]''': ...the flat part, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Hunchback Fairy offers to lead Ivan to Nastenka, as she pulls out a pig-shaped sled and enchants it]'' :'''Fairy''': ''Foul is fair, and fair is foul...'' :'''Servo''': ''[as sled]'' Oink, ma'am. :'''Ivan''': What's that? :'''Fairy''': Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. ''[throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]'' :'''Servo''': She left it in drive. :'''Fairy''': ''[calling out to Ivan, chuckling]'' Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me! :'''Crow''': Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandfather Frost appears and demonstrates his power by spreading snow and frost through the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' Eat lead, spring! :'''Crow''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' I do frost, and I do it well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]'' :'''Frost's Voice''': Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]'' :'''Random Unknown Voice''': Look who's here! :'''Servo''': Thank you, Anonymous Voice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]'' :'''Crow [as Nastenka]''': We spit on your doorstep! :'''Servo''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Crow''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Mike [as her hectored father]''': Please take me with you, please, please... :'''Nastenka''': I'd like you to meet... :'''Servo [as Nastenka]''': Uh, what's your name again? :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka, my fiance. :'''Crow [as Ivan through a forced smile]''': I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka confronts Grandfather Frost while lost in the woods]'' :'''Marfushka''': Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... ''[shoves Frost to the ground]'' ...and make it quick! :'''Crow''': ''[as Marfushka]'' You stuttering frosted freak! :'''Frost''': H-help! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]'' :'''Crow''': It's a three-pig open sleigh! :'''Servo''': On [[w:Charlotte's Web|Wilbur]]! On [[w:Gordy|Gordy]]! On [[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:"It's" man|It's…]] :'''Mike''': It's… :'''Crow''': It's… a convention of [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]] imitators! : . . . :'''Servo''': They're singing about controlling their nose hair. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Seven Dwarves]]! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the bandits' cudgels Ivan threw into the air earlier in the movie come back down and hit the bandits on the head, as one of them lets out a genuinely pained groan after getting hit]'' :'''Crow''': Ooh! This isn't funny; he actually got hurt, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]'' :'''Hunchback Fairy''': My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it! :'''Crow''': Well, maybe you should have diversified more! === [[w:Gemini Man (TV series)|Riding with Death]] === :''[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ''(panting)'' Oh, great! Just what I need! :'''Bobo''': Medic! Medic! :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': ''[enters wearing nurse's outfit]'' Here I am! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal? :'''Observer''': My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. ''(begins attending to Forrester's wound)'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ...what's that smell?! :'''Observer''': Oh! Mustard gas! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Mustard gas! Get the masks! :'''Bobo''': Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch. :'''Observer''': Good god, ape... :'''Mrs. Forrester''': That's it, we're pulling out! :''[Clanking sound is heard]'' :'''Observer''': Hand grenade! :'''Bobo''': Grenade! I'll save you! ''[throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast! :'''Observer''': ''[looks up]'' It's a good thing I don't have a body... ''[flops back down]'' :''[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda... :'''Crow''': I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or— :'''Mike''': ''[ignoring Crow]'' ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that... :'''Servo''': D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike. :'''Crow''': Just a little too much. :''[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]'' :'''Mike''': And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired... :'''Crow''': Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda— :'''Mike''': ''[again ignoring Crow]''It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that... :'''Servo''': So! Bombs away, Mike! :'''Crow''': Okay, Mike! Bombs away! :'''Mike''': Oh! Right... ''[Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]'' :'''Crow''': Bombs away, Mike! :'''Servo''': Bombs away! ''[to Crow]'' Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper. :'''Crow''': Is that so? :''[Mike reenters without the bomb]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee... :'''Mike''': There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction... :'''Crow''': A little distraction! :''[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[gets back up]'' Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now? :'''Servo''': Think so... :'''Crow''': And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!{{hnote|That's the third time Mike's destroyed a planet!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]'' :'''Mike''': Universal, except for you, [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]. :'''Crow''': You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] story. :'''Crow''': And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Is there such a thing as ''starring'' Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is ''pointed'' at Ben Murphy? :. . . :'''Crow''': Starring rejects from Harry-O. :. . . :'''Servo''': If [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] isn't in this, it'll be very wrong. :'''Mike''': [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]], come on! Please, please, please, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Dennis Franz's hairy butt cheeks? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ah, that gooey [[w:Los Angeles|LA]] sky. :'''Mike''': Birds? Nope. All dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]'' :'''Mike''': The world's most difficult math test. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. '''Servo''' makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]'' :'''Mike [as Driscoll]''': What is ''on'' these things? :'''Driscoll''': The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But... :'''Crow [as Driscoll]''': I have to clean my glasses first. :'''Driscoll''': Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us... :'''Servo [as Driscoll]''': My glasses are filthy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Mechanic]''': ''[evilly]'' They don't call me ''"Karl"'' for nothing. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': So, how does cutting my brake lines help the shocks? Eh, I'm not the mechanic! <hr width="50%"/> :<span id="CrowSyndrome-RwD">''[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]''</span> :'''Sam''': Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67. :'''Crow''': "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex. :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now. :'''Servo [as Sam]''': My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours— :'''Mike, Servo''': Ugh—Crow! : . . . :''[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]'' :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now. :'''Crow''': You said ''I'' was bad. :'''Mike''': You inspired me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]'' :'''Crow [as Buffalo Bill]''': ''[[w:The Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard]]'' got renewed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]'' :'''Mike [as Denby]''': Cupcake! Get [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie the Kid]] and [[w:Hostess|Fruitpie the Magician]]! === [[w:Agent for H.A.R.M.|Agent for H.A.R.M.]] === :''[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hirsute [[w:astronauts|Astronauts]] Revile [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heuristic Analog Rental Meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Adam]''': Solid [[w:Balsa|balsawood]], baby! : . . . :''[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]'' :'''Adam''': This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the [[w:judo|judo]] range. :'''Mike''': The judo ''range''? : . . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Adam]''': Meet me at the [[w:karate|karate]] [[w:rink|rink]] later. : . . . :''[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]'' :'''Adam''': Judo range! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Adam]''': Then go practice your [[w:Skeet shooting|skeet]] [[w:kendo|kendo]] and bring your [[w:aikido|aikido]] [[w:rifle|rifle]], too. :'''Mike [as Student]''': Gotta get into my judo [[w:bikini|bikini]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam:''' I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear? :'''Servo [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers. :'''Dr. Stefanik:''' Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. ''[Walks away.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' I'll go get the cot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam''': You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz? :'''Crow''': And hula hoops and dungarees? :'''Adam''': Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it! :'''Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]''': I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, why were you choking the monkey? :'''Mike''': Because Bobo is such... HEY!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]'' :'''Ava''': Are you coming, or do I swim alone? :'''Crow [as Adam]''': Yes, and yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]'' :'''Crow''': This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % ''[bleep]''ing not guilty. And if you ''[bleep]''s don't ''[bleep]'' find him innocent, then you can just ''[bleep]''ing kiss my fat ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. And that ''[bleep]''ing goes for your bull''[bleep]'' court system, too! Mike, I'm so ''[bleep]''ing sorry I couldn't ''[bleep]''ing be there for this ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''y really bogus trial, man. But let me ''[bleep]'' tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd ''[bleep]''ing kick everyone's fat stupid ''[bleep]''ing behinds and then cram it up their ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this ''[bleep]'' helps. Take care, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]'' :'''Mike''': Here's the wind up.... :''[Adam smiles smugly to himself]'' :'''Mike''': ...and ''there's'' the smarm! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]'' :'''Mike [as Adam]''': Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger! :'''Servo''': Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you! === [[w:Planet Prince|Prince of Space]] === :''[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Prince (musician)|I'm in space already! Damn!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]'' :'''Mother''': The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...the dining room? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]'' :'''Spaceship''': Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Crank whore? :'''Spaceship''': Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV Advert. announcer]''': Veterans cannot be turned down! : . . . :'''Crow [as Mickey]''': That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it ''very much''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]'' :'''Crow [as Headline]''': Krankor: Nothing to Worry About. :'''Mike [as Headline]''': [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]] Sent to Fight Krankor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]'' :'''Crow [as periscope]''': I am the lemon zester of destruction! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': A rare Godzilla-free day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We hear a barking dog running past]'' :'''Servo [As dog, with Japanese accent]''': Rufforu! Bow-a-wow! :''[A police car drives past in the same direction]'' :'''Mike''': ''After that dog!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway. :. . . :''[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': An exchange of deadly [[w:Negative (photography)|negative]] scratches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]'' :'''Phantom''': Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— ''[movie skip]'' —ren! :'''Mike''': "Kill some ''diffren''"? :'''Servo''': "Diffren"? :'''Prince''': I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! :'''Crow''': You hear that, [[w:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]'' :'''CO''': Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. :'''Mike [as CO]''': I understand you're [[w:Manicotti|stuffed with cheese]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.] :'''Mike [as Prince of Space]''': Swing me over there, trusty string! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Set whole fryers to stun! :'''Mike''': The upper half of a [[w:Edward Hopper|Hopper]] painting. :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Oh! A giant roast chicken! :'''Crow [as Citizen]''': It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! :'''Mike [as Citizen]''': It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Ohhhhh! :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Potatoes or stuffing?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]'' :'''Phantom''': What a fool! :'''Servo [as Phantom]''': He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[on the Prince of Space]'' His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wally''': Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen! :'''Mike [as Wally]''': [[w:Tannin|Get out of my wine!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phantom''': Now, gentlemen, your time has come. Prepare to leave Krankor. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What's that? :'''Phantom''': Prepare to leave. Each of you will enter a space capsule. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What!? :'''Servo''': For cryin' out loud... '''EACH! OF! YOU! WILL! ENTER! A! SPACE! CAPSULE!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phantom is hiding behind the door as Prince of Space bursts in; Phantom quietly exits.] :'''Mike''': The easily-bamboozled Prince of Space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Speaking of the monster which guards Krankor:] :'''Phantom''': Quite right, my dear Macken. A monster which I created. He obeys my slightest command. :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Like, "Wander around aimlessly and gain weight." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space has survived a thermal trap.]'' :'''Prince of Space''': Enough of this! When will you ever learn your guns won't work on me? :'''Phantom''': Shoot him! :'''Mike [as henchman]''': Brilliant new plan, sir! === [[w:The Horror of Party Beach|The Horror of Party Beach]] === :''[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]'' :'''Servo''': A-hehehehe! [[w:Wipe Out (instrumental)|Horror!]] :'''Crow''': Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Mike''': Nude driving: a new fad among the teens. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]'' :'''Mike''': What is "additional dialogue", anyway? :'''Crow''': Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Sturgis: a city on the move! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own ''head'' with drawn butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Men should ''not'' have bikini areas! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': I'm starting to agree with the [[w:Taliban|Taliban]] militia: dancing should not be allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': MY SKULL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. :'''Servo''': So, radiation has a sense of humor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]''': ''[singing to "[[w:Chances Are (song)|Chances Are]]"]'' :: Chances are :: That I'll kick your scrawny ass... :. . . :''[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]'' :'''Mike [as Gang Leader]''': You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eulabelle''': It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin! :'''Crow [as Eulabelle]''': You wouldn't understand! :. . . :'''Dr. Gavin''': Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research. :'''Eulabelle''': And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there. :'''Dr. Gavin''': That's enough! :'''Mike [as Dr. Gavin]''': You're scaring me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monsters attack an all-girl [[w:Sleepover|slumber party]]]'' :'''Mike''': [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel ''compelled'' to raid. :'''Servo''': Every male of ''any'' species has the biological urge to [[w:Panty raid|panty-raid]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look [[w:nail polish|Polish]]"]'' :'''Mike''': Wait— "Look [[w:Poles|Polish]]?" :'''Servo''': Huh? :'''Mike''': It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—''see?'' It says "Look Polish"! :'''Servo''': "Look Polish"! :'''Crow''': Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]'' :'''Elaine''': ''[whispering]'' I hear something. :'''Servo [as Elaine]''': ''[whispering]'' He's coming! Look Polish, everyone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': What are we looking at and why are we looking at it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The time of day has been changing]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... . === [[w:Devil Doll (film)|Devil Doll]] === :'''Tom Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Have you seen Crow? :'''Mike Nelson''': Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing. :'''Servo''': Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about... :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[offscreen]'' DEBBIE!! :'''Mike Nelson''': Debbie, right; that's it. :'''Crow''': ''[offscreen]'' Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! ''[punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]'' :'''Servo''': ''[wincing]'' Oh, please, say that was a lamp! :'''Mike Nelson''': Uh, it was probably just a lamp. :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie! :'''Servo''': He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in! :'''Crow''': I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care! :'''Mike Nelson''': Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie. :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' I don't care! Debbie! Let me go! :'''Servo''': ''[also sobbing]'' My windoooowww! :''[some time later]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': There, there, Crow. :'''Crow''': Debbie... :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful? :'''Crow''': I think I like the Debbie one better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl and Observer/Brain Guy attempt to liven up a gathering in Roman times with a toga party, before deciding on another approach...]'' :'''Observer''': Pants party! :'''Emperor''': ''[as crowd whoops and cheers]'' These are remarkable, and '''''vastly''''' superior to our own apparel! :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' Ah; that's better. . . . :''[later as the two are guests at a gladiator match]'' :'''Emperor''': ''[greeting the crowd]'' Citizens, if you haven't already noticed- I'm wearing '''pants'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera cuts to Hugo in the back seat of a car as it drives along.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' I'm driving with my ''mind!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[A Hard Day's Night (film)|Am I a mod or a rocker]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[to the other robots]'' You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge. :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show]'' Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips! :'''Mike''': ''[audience continues applauding]'' Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act! :''[Vorelli leaves the stage with Hugo and his assistant]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hugo]'' That sucked! Even '''I''' didn't believe I was talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free. :''[Later in the same shot]'' :'''Crow''': Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a [[w:Rotary dial|rotary phone]]]'' :'''Servo''': So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger... :'''Servo''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Then I'll be right back. :'''The Great Vorelli''': That he may die at any moment. :''[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera zooms in on Vorelli's face and the color inverts as it focuses on his eyes]'' :'''Servo''': ''[of Vorelli]'' A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face. :'''The Great Vorelli''': ''[to the volunteer]'' You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets. :'''Mike''': [[w:The Manchurian Candidate|The Manchurian Ventriloquist]]! :'''The Great Vorelli''': I want you to imagine you are in his place. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Why so negative? . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation]'' Should we really call '''''this''''' the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"? . . . :'''All''': ''[as crowd]'' Hooray; more! :''[Vorelli snaps his fingers to break the volunteer out of his tense stupor]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Hey; pay attention! :'''Crow''': ''[as crowd claps]'' Ha ha; we love your cruelty! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight? :'''Hugo''': Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing. :'''The Great Vorelli''': What do you mean? :'''Hugo''': Simply that you are laughing while I am talking. :'''The Great Vorelli''': And what's wrong with that? :'''Hugo''': Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny. :'''The Great Vorelli''': Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Min-wax, Hugo? :'''Hugo''': ''[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine]'' Give me some wine. I want some wine. :'''The Great Vorelli''': A dummy? Drinking wine? :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Spodie-odie? :'''The Great Vorelli''': Don't be ridiculous! :'''Hugo''': I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!]] :'''The Great Vorelli''': You are a dummy, Hugo. :'''Crow''': ''[as the audience claps]'' The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]'' :'''Crow: '''[as Hugo]'' You think ''he'' likes ham? Wait 'til you see ''me'' like ham! <hr width="50%"/> :''[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': This time- Hugo- you are going to die. :'''Crow''': ''[as Mercedes]'' At this point, t'ere were some warning signs... ... :'''Mercedes''': He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and... looked at the ceiling. Then... he died. He died. :'''Mike''': ''[as Mark]'': Did he live? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Hugo... :'''Mike [as the Great Vorelli]''': Have you been shaving your legs with this again? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]'' :'''Mike''': [as Hugo]'': Please cover my cage... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English (played by [[w:William Sylvester|William Sylvester]]) is sleeping]'' :'''Servo''': You know, [[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] saw this scene and said "We found our [[w:Heywood Floyd|Heywood Floyd]]!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]'' :'''Hugo''': [[w:Dog Day Afternoon|Attica! Attica!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Hugo in Vorelli's body]'' I'm sweaty because I was choking a puppet. Ah, no no, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as the film ends]'' Hugo the Dummy was arraigned in Superior Court, County of Los Angeles; in a moment, the results of that trial. === [[w:Invasion of the Neptune Men|Invasion of the Neptune Men]] === :''[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]'' :'''Tibana''': So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The "Roji-Panty Complex"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]''': HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]'' :'''Servo''': That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud! :. . . :'''Crow''': They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor. :. . . :''[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]'' :'''Crow [as Space Chief]''': Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men approach Earth]'' :'''Mike''': Shoot at Earth all you want, just ''get [[w:Bill Maher|Bill Maher]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]'' :'''Servo [as the Japanese]''': Oh, let's call our friends [[w:Korea under Japanese rule|the Koreans]]! Oh, oh no—[[w:Russo-Japanese War|the Russians]]! Well, no. [[w:Nanking Massacre|The Chinese]]! Oh, well, I guess not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]'' :'''Mike''': I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly ''[[w:Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]'' seems a richly-nuanced movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': To be dead... to be nothing... to watch Neptune Men no more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]'' :'''Crow''': So whatever happened to Space Chef? :'''Mike''': That's "Chief." :'''Crow''': ''Chief'' Chef? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Y'know, Space Chief should try going into ''space'' sometime! :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief. :'''Mike''': Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of [[w:Adolph Hitler|Hitler]] being blown up]'' :'''Crow''': ''[royally confused]'' What the...? :'''Servo''': They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia? :'''Crow''': All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers! :'''Mike''': The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of... :'''Crow''': [[w:Planet_of_the_Apes_%281968_film%29|They blew it up!]] :. . . :'''Crow''': Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where ''you'' grew up? :'''Mike''': Not, uh...no. No. :'''Crow''': Sure? :'''Mike''': ...Yeah. :. . . :''[Another spaceship begins to dive] :'''Crow''': What next? The [[w:Mussolini|Mussolini]] Mall? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Followed by the [[w:Pinochet|Pinochet]] Petting Zoo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]'' :'''Crow''': So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about [[w:Stock footage|stock footage]] that would get us through this? :'''Servo''': Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... ''[thundering]'' '''''EAT IT, MOVIE!''''' :'''Crow''': Whoa! Whoa! :'''Servo''': ''[still ranting]'' '''TAKE THIS ''STUPID'' LITTLE ''COCKROACH'' OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP ''SOOOOO'' TIGHT, AND THEN ''RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR''—''' ''[begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow tries to hurry along a tensionless countdown:]'' :'''Scientist''': Ten, nine, eight... :'''Crow''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, right. One... :'''Scientist''': Seven... :'''Crow''': One. :'''Scientist''': Six... :'''Crow''': One! :'''Scientist''': Five... :'''Crow''': ''One!!'' :'''Scientist''': Four, three... :'''Crow''': '''''ONE!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]'' :'''Servo''': Space Chief's off having a couple [[w:Sapporo Brewery|Sapporos]] with [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Godzilla_vs._Megalon|Jet Jaguar]] and [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Prince_of_Space|Prince of Space]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The top of the Neptunian commander's helmet is adorned with a flat plexiglas disc.]'' :'''Crow [as commander]''': Say, has anyone seen my record? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children approach a small Neptunian probe which has just landed:]'' :'''Servo [as probe]''': Oh, no, you kids again? Is there ''anyone'' else on this planet? === [[w:Space Mutiny|Space Mutiny]] === :''[repeated line]'' :'''Servo (as various characters)''': Did you sign Sherry's card? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]'' :'''Crow''': It lists [[w:Hitler|Hitler]] as a "fairly stable veteran of [[w:World War I|the Great War]]." :'''Mike''': Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory." :'''Crow''': Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff? :'''Mike''': Well, I used them when I was a kid. ''[Blows dust off a volume]'' They seemed fine then. :'''Crow''': The periodic table has ''three'' elements in it, Mike! :'''Servo''': There's a volume for the letter ''epsilon.'' :'''Crow''': There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu. :'''Servo''': It's got a picture of Stonehenge! :'''Mike''': So? :'''Servo''': Under construction?! :'''Mike''': So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set. :'''Servo''': Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]'' :'''Mike''': Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "[[w:Battlestar Galactica|Battlestar Galactica]]"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Special effects by [[w:Industrial Light and Magic|Industrial Light and Morons]].{{hnote|Takes us back to good ol' Memory Lane!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lea]''': My ''Buns of Steel'' videos are in there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]'' :'''Servo [as Jansen]''': But what of the little children and their toys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Devers''': Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships. :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I agree. :'''Mike [as Jensen]''': I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]'' :'''Mike [as Kalgan]''': Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]'' :'''MacPhearson''': Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement. :'''Mike''': I disagree! :'''MacPhearson''': Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the ''Southern Sun''. :'''Chief Engineer''': Then let him do so alone. :'''Engineer Parsons''': This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report. :'''Crow [as Parsons]''': I just have to wet myself first. :'''MacPhearson''': Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future? :'''Chief Engineer''': We'll not allow that! No! :'''Servo''': The easily led wise council. :''[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]'' :'''Engineer Parsons''': Let me go, traitors! :'''Mike [as Parsons]''': What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww! :'''Crow''': Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it! :'''Servo''': Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them. :'''Crow''': Death by snicker-snag! :''[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick] :'''Mike''': I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs! :'''Servo [as MacPhearson]''': Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party." :'''MacPhearson''': Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason? :'''Mike''': I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir! :'''MacPhearson''': Report to the enforcers' bridge. :'''Servo''': Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, lady! :'''Lea''': Doctor! :'''Ryder''': ''Doctor''. :'''Crow''': ''Doctor'' Lady! :. . . :'''Ryder''': I had to eject! I had no other choice! :'''Servo [as Lea]''': That's ''Doctor'' I Had No Other Choice! :. . . :''[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel. :'''Mike''': It's ''Doctor'' Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no, the death of [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]]! :'''Servo''': [[w:Jessie's Girl|I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Herve Villechaize|Herve Villechaize]]'s Death Car. :'''Mike''': Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy! :'''Crow [as Ryder]''': Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of ''three''! :'''Kalgan''': ''[laughs evilly]'' :'''Servo [as Ryder]''': Hit the siren! ''[hums ''Entrance of the Gladiators'']'' : . . . :'''Crow [as Kalgan]''': We need both horsepowers on this thing! : . . . :''[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The [[w:Sting|Sting]]-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]'' :'''Servo [as Devers]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da|De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...]] :''[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, wait, she's dead! :'''Servo''': Yeah, she's dead! :'''Mike''': She died! :''[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Capt. Devers''': Commander Jansen? :'''Crow [as Devers]''': I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. : . . . :''[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]'' :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. :'''Capt. Devers''': Helveca? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Oh, I love [[w:Helvetica|that font]]! : . . . :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret. :'''Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]''': Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. : . . . :''[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]'' :'''Mike [as Devers]''': 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]'' :'''Crow [as MacPhearson]''': [[w:Richard III (play)|A horse! My kingdom for a horse!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Devers''': ''[referring to another character]'' Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally. :'''Commander Jansen''': Alright. :'''Crow [as Jansen]''': Fetch me my warrior muumuu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commander Jansen''': Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . . :'''Crow''': You're fired. :. . . :''[Ryder shakes hands with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Mike''': We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally! :. . . :'''Mike''': Woooo! We got [[w:ISO 9000#Contents of ISO 9001|ISO 9001]] certified! :. . . :''[Ryder leaves to find Lea]'' :'''Servo''': He's gonna have ''so much sex'' with your daughter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan]'' :'''Mike''': There goes a big, brave brick of meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]'' :'''Lea''': I'm leaving. :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': You wanna get me some coffee? :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea! :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Get me some coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Bullfight|Toro! Toro!]] These cars are made by [[w:Toro (company)|Toro!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur? :'''Servo''': Oh? :'''Mike''': Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]'' :'''Crow''': Here's some free advice for the mutineers: ''just stop and '''aim''', you idiots!'' :'''Servo''': Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, ''white'' thing? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]'' :'''Servo''': Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this '''''FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kalgan''': I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that. :'''Servo [as Kalgan]''': You're too stupid to know anything about dental history. :'''Lea''': You bastard! :'''Mike [as Lea]''': How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]'' :'''Servo''': And our brave hero roasts the disabled man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]'' :'''Crow''': Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be ''the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]'' :'''Servo''': They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Throughout the film, Mike and the Bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]'' :'''Crow''': Slab Bulkhead! :'''Servo''': Fridge Largemeat! :'''Mike''': Punt Speedchunk! :'''Crow''': Butch Deadlift! :'''Crow''': Bold Bigflank! :'''Mike''': Splint Chesthair! :'''Mike''': Flint Ironstag! :'''Crow''': Bolt Vanderhuge! :'''Mike''': Thick McRunfast! :'''Mike''': Blast Hardcheese! :'''Crow''': Buff Drinklots! :'''Servo''': Trunk Slamchest! :'''Crow''': Fist Rockbone! :'''Mike''': Stump Beefknob! :'''Servo''': Smash Lampjaw! :'''Crow''': Punch Rockgroin! :'''Mike''': Buck Plankchest! :'''Crow''': Stump Chunkmen! :'''Servo''': Dirk Hardpec! :'''Mike''': Rip Steakface! :'''Crow''': Slate Slabrock! :'''Servo''': Crud Bonemeal! :'''Mike''': Brick HardMeat! :'''Crow''': Rip Slagcheek! :'''Servo''': Punch Sideiron! :'''Mike''': Gristle McThornbody! :'''Crow''': Slate Fistcrunch! :'''Mike''': Buff Hardback! :'''Servo''': Bob Johnson! Oh, wait... :'''Servo''': Blast Thickneck! :'''Crow''': Crunch Buttsteak! :'''Mike''': Slab Squatthrust! :'''Servo''': Lump Beefbroth! :'''Crow''': Touch Rustrod! :'''Mike''': Reef Blastbody! :'''Mike''': Big McLargeHuge! :'''Mike''': Smoke ManMuscle! :'''Servo''': Eat Punchbeef! :'''Mike''': Hack Blowfist! :'''Mike''': Roll Fizzlebeef! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going? :'''Crow''': Yeah Mike, this is your music done by ''your'' people, so I blame you for this entire movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike! :'''Mike''': Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for? :'''Crow''': Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it. :'''Mike''': Uhhh... :''[The music slows down to a power ballad style]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins. :'''Servo''': Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a ''second,'' but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted. :'''Servo''': And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but ''no,'' Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger! :'''Crow''': Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band! :'''Servo''': You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': You and your '80s! :'''Servo''': Your ''precious'' '80s! :'''Crow''': You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you! :'''Servo''': Yeah! :'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it, that tears it! :''[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]'' :'''Crow''': You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man! :'''Servo''': Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't! :''[After a while Mike sits up]'' :'''Mike''': Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man. :''[Pause of a second]'' :'''Servo''': Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him! :'''Crow''': No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either! :'''Mike''': No no, actually they did end, Tom, there, there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over. :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Mike! :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' Sorry, Mike! :'''Mike''': It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too. === [[w:Time Chasers|Time Chasers]] === :''[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]'' :'''Servo [as dog]''': ''[talking like [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]]'' Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm. :'''Crow''': He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn. :'''Mike''': ''[groaning]'' Oh, Crow. So early, too. :''[The logo fades out]'' :'''Servo''': ''[still talking like Scooby-Doo]'' Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents— :'''Mike''': Okay, stop. :'''Crow''': Cut it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]'' :'''Crow''': This is like NFL graphics here. :'''Mike''': ''[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]'' :'''Nick''': Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a ''genius''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': A crop-dusting ''genius''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]'' :'''Crow''': This... is not our star, is it? I will ''not'' accept this as our star, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': Come on down to parallel parking days. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]'' :'''Mike''': Come to Martin's. [[w:Martin_%28television%29|WHATUP?!?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick boots up his computer]'' :'''Servo [as the old AOL voice]''': You've got mail... pattern baldness!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the first scene in 2041]'' :'''Mike''': ''[derisively]'' The, uh, future. :''[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]'' :'''Crow''': So, in the future, kids become gay agents? :. . . :'''Servo''': So... 50 years from now will be ''3'' years from now... :. . . :''[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look—a lesbian... ''of the future!'' :''[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Food courts... ''of the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]'' :'''Mike [as Robertson]''': Hi, I'm Bob Evil! :'''Robertson''': Trust me. :'''Servo [as Robertson]''': Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]'' :'''Guard''': Come on, this way! ''[They run down the false route]'' :'''Mike [as Guard]''': Even though I see them running the other way! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]'' :'''Servo''': ''Two'' kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even ''I'' know that's a fashion no-no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as J.K.]''': I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles! :'''Crow [as Matt]''': I'm a team player! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]'' :'''Mike [as Gunman]''': Arrgh! [[w:Dead Man's Chest|Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]'' :'''Servo''': Great, now the garbage truck's backing up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]'' :'''Servo''': I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film. :'''Servo''': Yeah, I think—huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]'' :'''Servo''': They're running out of Alt! :''[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]'' :'''Eddie''': And their Miffnots ''[MPH KNOTS]'' are goin' down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lisa''': Nick! :'''Crow [as Lisa]''': I was shaving this morning and got a ''nick''! :''[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]'' :'''Eddie''': ''[irritated]'' Get up! You're all right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]'' :'''Crow''': 27 [[w:Keebler Company|Keebler]] elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree! :'''Mike''': E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition. :. . . :'''Mike''': Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh! :'''Crow''': Oh, he's like poo, all right. :. . . :''[as Nick climbs down the tree]'' :'''Crow''': He's climbing an [[w:Ent|Ent]]! :'''Servo''': ''[in a deep, Entish voice]'' Hoom hom, get off me, hm. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him.]'' :'''Crow''': He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying. :''[Then, a conveniently placed tree branch falls of the tree and flattens Robertson.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Satisfied]'' Oh. Well that's nice. Thank you, movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]'' :'''Servo''': Did the tree contribute money to the film? ''Why are they showing this?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]'' :'''Servo''': So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel. :'''Mike''': Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes. :''[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]'' :'''Mike''': Hey... even declared war on his surge protector... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]'' :'''Mike''': Who's playing the [[w:chamber pot|chamber pot]]?! :''[The writer credit appears]'' :'''Crow''': Written? This movie was written? I don't ''think'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]'' :'''Servo''': We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]'' :'''Servo''': Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie! :. . . :'''Mike''': All these people bear... ''some'' responsibility, you know. :''[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]'' :'''Servo''': Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of ''stupid'' Rutland, Vermont! ''This'' is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. ''Go to hell'', citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin! === [[w:Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]] === :'''Pearl''': And now, sit back and enjoy this special nine-part series, ''Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'', starring the late Raul Julia, a very wonderful actor. What was he doing in this piece of sh... surely, very quality, quality programming? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]'' :'''Servo''': Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote! :'''Mike''': Let go of it, man! :'''Servo''': Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your ''Webster''s, and your ''Facts of Life''ses, and your ''Who's The Boss''esesses! :''[Movie Sign goes off]'' :'''Mike''': We got movie sign! ''[Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia's]] head inside a golden electronic cube]'' :'''Mike''': This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network. :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rubik's Cube|Raulbik's Cube!]] :'''Servo''': Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was... :'''Mike''': Oh no, don't say it! :'''Servo''': ...Cube-an! :'''Mike''': Ahhh. :''[The cube begins to fade away]'' :'''Crow''': Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man! :'''Servo [as Raul Julia]''': But I'm signed to play [[w:Romero (film)|Archbishop Romero!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's theme plays]'' :'''Mike''': And now, the news. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York City PBS affiliate [[w:WNET|WNET]] is credited]'' :'''Servo''': That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Title card is shown]'' :'''Servo''': ''[with monotone sarcasm]'' Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow. TV's Frank! :'''Servo''': Wow. Frank's really come up in the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]'' :'''Crow''': SAT farms ''of the future''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]'' :'''Appalonia''': He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control. :''[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]'' :'''Mike''': And its effect on Bugs Bunny. :. . . :'''Servo''': Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie. :. . . :'''Appalonia''': And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it. :'''Mike [as Appalonia]''': Data entrying with no pants. :. . . :''[Fingal gets caught.]'' :'''Crow''': We now return to ''Billy Madison''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[on the therapist]'' It's Merv Griffin! :'''Computer''': Ask about his mother. :'''Servo [as Computer]''': Ask if she wears Army boots. :'''Servo''': So aging lesbian nuns run the future? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Apollonia''': But of course, almost everyone doppled voluntarily. Fingal was my first compulsory dopple. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]'' :'''Fingal''': I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys? :'''Shuttle Passenger''': An anteater... ''maybe.'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an overhead shot of the word "Nirvana" written on the ground at Nirvana Village.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Come_as_You_Are_(Nirvana_song)|Come... to my mall... to my atrium, yeah yeah!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look. Must be a [[w:Jack in the Box#E. coli outbreak|Jack-In-The-Box in the food court]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia informs Fingal of the brain augmentation required before doppling]'' :'''Fingal''': W-- Wait a minute, I changed my mind. Some other time... :'''Apollonia''': Sit down, Mr. Fingal. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': You need to tinkle, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Nothing to worry about. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': How 'bout some Pringles, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Trust me. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': Just gonna band-saw the top of your head off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]'' :'''Boy''': And blue, like this? :'''Teacher''': Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later. :'''Boy''': Is it ''sexy?'' :'''Teacher''': We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room. :''[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' The littlest sexual deviant. :. . . :''[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]'' :'''Servo''': There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. {{hnote|[In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.]}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]'' :'''Servo''': Is it "[[w:Village of the Damned|Children of the Damned]] Day" at the brain institute here? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[Doctor Who]]''... the hell cares! :'''Mike''': You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]'' :'''Fingal''': At least I'm not an anteater. :'''Mike''': This movie just hates ''anteaters''! :. . . :'''Fingal''': This cost me every credit I have? :'''Mike''': He's gonna start flinging it any minute now! :. . . :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]'' :'''Fingal''': What happened to him? He looks drunk to me! :'''Crow [as giraffe]''': I'm on medication, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]'' :'''Servo [as Worker]''': Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]'' :'''Crow''': Must be Christmas on the Borg ship. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' See you on the dark side of Raul... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up ''this'' cinema. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]'' :'''Mike''': It's Asian Pee-Wee. :. . . :'''Crow''': Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, [[w:Ram_Dass|Ram Dass]]. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pierre''': Everybody goes to The Place. :'''Servo [as Co-worker]''': You know, when they have to ''go''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name of "The Place"]'' :'''Mike''': Formerly "That Other Place". :'''Servo''': Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and ''this'' was the name they thought up. :. . . :'''Servo''': Formerly "The Locale". :. . . :'''Mike''': Formerly "The Site". :. . . :'''Crow''': It's changed ownership. Now it's a ''gentleman's'' club. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]'' :'''Professor Bobo''': Hey, I can sing, too! ''[singing off-key]'' [[w:Heat_of_the_Moment_(Asia_song)|And now you find yourself in '82—]] ''[Pearl kicks him in the groin.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]'' :'''Mike [as the Fat Man]''': All I can eat? The joke's on them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]'' :'''Fingal''': I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored! :''[Mike and the Bots all look around]'' :'''Servo''': OK, which one of us said that? :'''Crow''': I felt it, I don't... :. . . :'''Fingal''': Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer! :'''Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]''': ''[dully]'' I'm okay with that. :. . . :''[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': My coffee coupon! :... :'''Fingal''': If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work. :'''Crow''': I'll be a better zombie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a rather adult scene]'' :'''Mike''': Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fingal attempts to court a simulated version of Felicia]'' :'''Felicia''': I am working, Mr. Fingal. :'''Fingal''': Listen, Felicia, why don't we just walk out of here, go back to my place, and make love? :'''Servo''': Whoa! I wanna work in data entry! :'''Felicia''': Is that your idea of a joke?! Do you wanna get us fired?! :'''Fingal''': Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia. ''[rapidly waves his hands, causing the simulation to rewind]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, there's a fly in here. :'''Crow''': ''[as the simulation rewinds]'' [[w:Backmasking|What's that? Kill myself?]] Okay, not a problem. ''[begins to walk away]'' :'''Mike''': No no, stay. :'''Fingal''': Now then, shall we go back to my place and make love? :'''Mike [as Felicia]''': This is sexual harassment, and ''I'm gonna take it!'' :''[Felicia smiles warmly and lets her hair down]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, look familiar, Mike? Well, probably not. :'''Mike''': Hey... :''[Felicia throws her arms around Fingal]'' :'''Felicia''': Oh, I thought you'd never ask, ''big boy''. :'''Servo [as Fingal]''': Well, I'm actually "size doesn't matter boy." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]'' :'''Apollonia''': You're too much, Fingal, you know that? :'''Fingal''': Wait a minute, ''you're'' the one who told me to change things if I didn't like them. :'''Apollonia''': And this is what you mean by changing things?! :'''Fingal''': Why not? I'm entitled to a little bit of happiness, aren't I? :'''Apollonia''': ''Happiness?!'' :'''Crow [as Apollonia]''': You were raised Catholic! :... :'''Apollonia''': If this [[w:masturbation|one-handed exercise]] is all you can think of to do with your life... :'''Crow''': Whoa! :'''Apollonia''': ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! :'''Servo''': Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part? :. . . :'''Fingal''': It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! :''[Apollonia slaps him.]'' :'''Crow [as Fingal]''': Well, now you are, actually. :. . . :'''Apollonia''': Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is... :'''Servo''': Well, slapping him seemed like a good start! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]'' :'''Rick''': What're you gonna do? :'''Fingal''': I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. :'''Mike''': Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]'' :'''Computer''': What is your access code? :'''Crow''': [[w:Microsoft|Where do you want to go today?]] All over this movie, that's where I want to go. :'''Computer''': Invalid access. Quit or retry? :'''Servo''': I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]'' :'''Crow''': The chairman's got really bad dandruff. :'''Mike''': This is how much ''pure'' cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie. :. . . :'''Fingal''': I'm not making ''this'' up! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm not cleaning it up either! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the ''crap'' out of [[w:Fred Rogers|Fred Rogers]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]'' :'''Apollonia''': Dopples don't dance, they don't make love... :'''Crow''': They're ''Lutherans''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing to the background music]'' [[w:Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want...]] :. . . :''[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]'' :'''Servo [as God]''': Here's some more commandments I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two sailors enter the club.] :'''Servo [as Maître D']''': Ah yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fingal''': Shut up, Fat Man! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': You... you anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Fat Man leaves]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': To Wendy's! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]'' :'''Fingal''': Genius. Pure Genius. :'''Crow''': ...couldn't save this film. :. . . :''[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]'' :'''Servo [as Fat Man]''': I'm farting Monopoly cards! :'''Mike''': Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': Draw... me some butter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]'' :'''Mike''': Vertigo to hell. :. . . :'''Servo''': You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now! :. . . :''[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]'' :'''Mike''': I love you this much! :''[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't care for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (played by [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia]]) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Eating Raoul|Eating Raul]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]'' :'''Rick''': Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater! :'''Servo''': Lay off the anteaters! Come on! :'''Crow''': Man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this [[w:Public Broadcasting Service|PBS]] TV movie.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public ''Boinking'' System", huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "[[Casablanca]]".]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The theme plays at the end.]'' :'''Mike''': And now the news. '' :''[Theme plays again.]'' :'''Mike''': That was the news. == Season 9 == === [[w:The Projected Man|The Projected Man]] === <div id="nepenthe"> :''[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]'' :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… ''[increasingly melodramatically]'' wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. [[w:Nepenthe|Nepenthe]]! ''Nepenthe!'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]]''': You are so gay. :'''Observer''': I could be wrong. </div> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]'' :'''Man''': What's he doing? :'''Crow''': Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]'' :'''Dr. Hill''': You better watch where you're going! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Pretty you may be! :''[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]'' :'''Crow [as Guard]''': Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant! :. . . :''[Dr. Hill drives away]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... driving she may be! :''[Dr. Hill is parking her car]'' :'''Crow''': Ah ''parking''! What a great way to establish character and create tension! :''[The car's engine makes odd noises]'' :'''Mike''': An exhaust system she may need! <hr width="50%"/> :''[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]'' :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Preheat! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Pre-Heat… in! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Grease and flour cake pans! :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Emission Relay. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Emission Relay… on! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Are We Not Men We Are Devo!|Are we not blokes?]] :'''Prof. Steiner''': Relay One. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Relay One… in! :'''Servo [as Prof. Steiner]''': Really dumb scene… end! :''[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]'' :'''Thief''': Gloria? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Thief]''': G-L-O-R-I-A? :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Thief]''': In excelsis Deo! :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Thief]''': I hear they got your number. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]'' :'''Inspector Davis''': Can I get on? :'''Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel]''' Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat? :'''Crow''': Do I want the director just killed or should he be ''tortured first''? :'''Mike''': Crow! :. . . :''[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!! :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]'' === [[w:The Phantom Planet|The Phantom Planet]] === :''[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Grandpa tried to use the microwave again. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Pat Buchanan's first day as President. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Makonnen''': You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Don't hit him... :'''Makonnen''': ...if you just take the time to look at it. :'''Chapman''': You're some guy, Makonnen. : . . . :'''Mike [as Makonnen]''': You know, Captain... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Shut ''up'', Ray. : . . . :''[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]'' :'''Mike [as Chapman]''' Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]'' :'''Servo [as Chapman, sickly]''': Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the Bots join the fun]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your [[w:credit rating|credit rating]]?...rating...rating... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I'm afraid you're not [[w:7-Eleven|7-Eleven]] timber, Frank...Frank...Frank... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. :'''Chapman''': I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Chapman]''': …with courage and nudeness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]'' :'''Chapman''': I don't understand. :'''Sessom''': There are many things you will not understand here… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sessom]''': …being an obvious doorknob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! [[w:Maxwell's Silver Hammer|Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jury]''': ''[cheering]'' ::We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Guilty! Guilty! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Whoo! Yaaaay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]'' :'''Liara''': You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': So people are just balloons? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this is almost as good as [[w:2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_%28film%29|2001]]... nails driven into your eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another flashback sequence...] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We didn't like these scenes the ''first'' time! :. . . :''[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ''ten seconds ago!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]'' :'''White''': Chapman! Chapman! :'''Servo [as White]''': You got any gum? :'''White''': Where's Makonnen? :'''Chapman''': He's dead. Gone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Chapman]''': He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]'' :'''Chapman''': Now they'll never believe me... :'''Mike [as Chapman]''': ''[Unemotionally]'' I'll have to kill them all. ===[[w:The Pumaman|The Pumaman]]=== :'''Kobras''': Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kobras]''': And there's more salt in ham than in turkey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': You can't hide this! :'''Kobras''': Who is to prevent me? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is hurled out an office building window.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': We're downsizing, Steve! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]'' :'''Crow''': Call our 900 number and vote. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right? :'''Servo''': In a wrong kind of way, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vadinho''': My name is Vadinho. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': I'm an [[w:Vidalia onion|onion]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]'' :'''Mike''': Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle. :'''Crow''': So, basically, a mild rain could take out that roof. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, now Puma Man, flies through London for the first time as Vadinho watches.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, first thing he does is poop on ''my car''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': Look out for the-- oh, boy, right into the propellers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': They gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[Singing to the Puma Man theme music]'' Pu-ma Man, he flies like a moron! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]:''' He has the project to rear project major cities. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A bird gets sucked into his engine and he goes down immediately. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, they'll find his black box and hear "DAH! WHOA HO!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You do not fly, but your mind does. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tony]''': Yeah, thanks, [[w:Carlos Castaneda|Castaneda]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Are criminals genetically drawn to construction sites? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him. :'''Crow''': Donald's only use for the word "comb". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots.]'' :'''Mike [as the henchman]''': Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! :... :''[The henchman gets dropped again.]'' :'''Servo [as the henchman]''': My mustache makes me fall sideways! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.]'' :'''Servo''': Prepare the Effeminate Mobile! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Puma Man theme plays, Tony prepares to teleport to his friend Matthew while he's driving a fire truck.]'' :'''Mike [as Gilbert Gottfried]''': I'm in the fire truck for ''USA Up All Night''. :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio. :'''Servo [as Tony]''': I keep dreaming of a little man in a tiny car. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony teleports into his girlfriend Jane's car, seeking information. Jane is wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, he gets drunk and pops into old girlfriends' cars. :'''Jane''': Tony! How'd you get here? :'''Tony''': Never mind. Drive. :'''Servo''': ...he said. :'''Jane''': But they'll kill you if they find you. Kobras wants to kill you and they're following me, they're right behind me. :'''Tony''': Never mind. Tell me where the mask is. :'''Crow''': Get your copy at Blockbuster. :'''Jane''': Don't ask me that, I can't. I swear I'd like to, but I can't. I'm conditioned to keep the secret just like everyone. I can't do it. :'''Tony''': Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jane]''': But my will ''won't''! :'''Jane''': I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Airhead]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his [[world domination]] plans.]'' :'''Kobras''': When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Kobras]''': Stuffing or potatoes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]'' :'''Kobras''': You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man! :'''Crow''': PU-ma Man! :'''Mike''': Oh, is that right? Dee-onald? :'''Kobras''': You're just a small... insignificant... human being! :'''Servo''': No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Because you come from Earth... :'''Servo [as Kobras]''': Corn grows in you. :'''Kobras''': And to Earth you shall return! :'''Mike''': Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Everyone sings along with the Puma Man theme while Vadinho and Puma Man fight Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Dick's Red Owl, selection and service...'' :'''Servo''': ''Snyder Drug, we're busting up prices...'' :'''Crow''': ''When you want the flavor of bacon in a dip...'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[singing to the theme from ''The Greatest American Hero'']'' ''Believe it or not, this movie's still on, it should have ended two hours ago...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': To be left alone— the goal of every great hero! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Crow''': So, basically, the hero is ''this guy''. I think it's time we all face that fact. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe. === [[w:Werewolf (1996 film)|Werewolf]] === :''[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]'' :'''Mike''': I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts... :'''Pearl''': ''[Looking at the back of her cereal box]'' Brain Guy. :'''Observer''': Yeah. ''[Summons a cannon which points at Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again? :'''Pearl''': ''[Still reading the back of her cereal box]'' "Werewolf". :'''Mike''': "Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you? :'''Observer''': ''[Still reading the back of his cereal box]'' No. :'''Mike''': Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... ''[Hastily climbs back up the ladder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know, you had him last! ''[laughs]'' :'''Crow''': You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike! :'''Servo''': Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? ''[laughs]'' :''[Mike enters.] :'''Mike''': Hey, guys. :'''Servo''': ''[screams]'' YAH! :'''Crow''': Mike, the title came up and it said ''Werewolf'', and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke... :'''Mike''': ''[chuckles]'' Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that! :'''Servo''': Thank you! :'''Crow''': ''[backpedaling]'' Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it. :''[Mike finishes chuckling]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs, defeated]'' Good one, Servo. :'''Servo''': ''[gloating]'' Well, thank you! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]'' :'''Billy''': Hey, I got something here! :'''Crow''': It's [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]'' :'''Crow''': Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists! :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a production of ''[[w:Road House|Road House]]'' in the Park. :. . . :'''Mike''': And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Noel''': At the risk of sounding nuts... :'''Crow [as Noel]''': I've replaced my toes with grapes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the moon]'' :'''Servo [as moon]''': Oh, I ate too much - I am a ''full'' moon! :'''Mike''': I am gonna hit you so hard... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, wait! It's a gorilla! :''[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ...With a dog mask on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]'' :'''Servo''': I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]'' :'''Noel''': Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you? :'''Crow [as Noel]''': You are married to ''me!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]'' :'''Paul''': I'm actually working on something now. :'''Natalie''': Really? What's the subject matter? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Paul]''': You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all! :'''Mike''': Heh, good one! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]'' :'''Natalie''': What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Noel]''': ''[in Grandma voice]'' You can't handle the truth, deary! :'''Noel''': In due time, you'll know everything. :'''Natalie''': Well, maybe then it's too late! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]'' :'''Crow''': Chubby Ramone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]'' :'''Crow:''' It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore. :'''Mike:''' ''[holding a rag to his head]'' Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches! :'''Crow:''' Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- ''[notices Mike's new features]'' hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man! :'''Mike:''' Really? :'''Crow:''' Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god! :''[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]'' :'''Mike:''' Wha- what?! :'''Servo:''' Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head! :'''Mike:''' ''[Mike does so]'' So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. ''[voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow]'' Hey! Wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence. :'''Servo:''' Blech! Don't say essence! :'''Mike:''' Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm... :'''Crow:''' ''[choruses with Mike]'' Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said! :'''Servo:''' Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW! :'''Crow:''' Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel? :'''Mike:''' Well I feel thin... :'''Crow:''' Uh-huh. :'''Mike:''' ...I have an intense love for bacon... :'''Crow:''' Oh yeah! :'''Mike:''' ...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet. :'''Crow:''' Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great! :'''Mike:''' Man, I love us! :'''Crow:''' Yeah, me too! :'''Servo:''' ''[disgusted]'' If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! ''[leaves]'' :'''Mike:''' Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect? :'''Crow:''' Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so... :'''Mike:''' Okay, good. :'''Crow:''' You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC- :'''Mike:''' Already have! :'''Crow:''' Great! ''[Commercial sign starts]'' Oop. ''[choruses with Mike]'' Well be right back! :'''Mike:''' Haha! What else? :'''Crow:''' Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines. :'''Mike:''' Ooh, good point! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]'' :'''Natalie''': So it all comes to this? :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': The... thing that it comes to? :'''Natalie''': You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Yuri]''': Yes, we ''is''. :'''Natalie''': But over my dead''BOD''y. You hear me? I won't stand for it! :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': You is a jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]'' :'''Sam''': Werewolf? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': No, I'm a squirrel monkey; ''OF COURSE'' I'm a werewolf, you... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Natalie]''': Paul, you is a wahrwilf! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Pow Wow the Indian Boy|Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:We Will Rock You|We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Battle of Kookamonga|Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves|Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:The Lonely Goatherd|High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Here Comes Santa Claus|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Give It Away (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Brand New Key|I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey|Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Cat's in the Cradle|And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Easter Parade (song)|In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:One Night in Bangkok|One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!]] :'''Crow''': [[w:The Surrey with the Fringe on Top|Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:The Freshmen (song)|We were merely ''fresh''men!]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:Oh! Susanna|Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' === [[w:The Deadly Bees|The Deadly Bees]] === :''[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]'' :'''Crow''': They named ''every bee''? This is gonna take forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Slender British rock band [[w:The Birds (band)|The Birds]] (not the more famous [[w:The Byrds|Byrds]]) perform a song.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Eight Miles High|Eight… miles… ''wrong'']]! : . . . :'''Servo''': Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.] :'''Crow''': Hey, they're growing [[w:Bill the Cat|Bill the Cat]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub] :'''Hargrove''': Morning, David. :'''Hawkins''': Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you? :'''Hargrove''': Oh, the usual. :'''Servo''': 9 A.M., why so late? :'''Hargrove''': Make it a double, will you? :'''Crow''': Alright, ''now'' we're in England. :'''Mike''': [[w:Andy Capp|Andy Capp]]: The Movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]'' :'''Coroner''': Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death? :'''Hargrove''': The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees. :'''Coroner''': And her dog? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hargrove]''': Uh, the dog didn't sting her. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Sleigh Bells"]'' Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go… :''[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Spice Girls|Nondescript Spice]]. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[Robert Frost#Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (1923)|Whose woods these are?]] :'''Crow''': Oh, I ''think'' I know. :'''Mike''': Huh? :''[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' Killer cookie crumbs! :'''Crow [as Doris]''': Damn, it's that [[William Butler Yeats#bee-loud_glade|"bee-loud glade"]] that Yeats spoke of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]'' :'''Crow''': She still lip-syncs better than [[w:Jewel_(singer)|Jewel]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]'' :'''Mike [as Tess]''': Avenge me! Ruff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]'' :'''Mike [as Hargrove]''': If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The house was made of typing paper and oily rags. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]'' :'''Crow [confused]''': All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this? :'''Servo''': Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"? === [[w:The Space Children|The Space Children]] === ==== Century 21 Calling (short) ==== :''[In the opening credits, we see: '''Century 21 Calling'''.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh! They want their [[w:Century 21 Real Estate|little gold jacket]] back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind. :'''Mike''': Why do you lash out like that? :'''Crow''': I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]'' :'''Servo''': The only bathroom in the fair is up there. :'''Crow''': Well, I'm glad to know the future has '''CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]'' :'''Crow [as Girl]''': Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]'' :'''Mike''': Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled ''How Do Animals Learn?'']'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A lady at the ''How Do Animals Learn?'' exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]'' :'''Mike [as Lady]''': Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bell Woman''': ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest. :''[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]'' :'''Crow [as Boy]''': The Führer will like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A little girl phones her grandmother.]'' :'''Grandma''': Hello? :'''Little Girl''': Hello, Grandma? :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': Where's my money? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' Want someone else on the line? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Customer]''': No. :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, andante, maybe. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bell Woman]''': Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation. :''[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on ''you''?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a demonstration of the wonders of push-button telephones.]'' :'''Mike [as Bell Woman]''': And in the future there will ''still'' be a two dollar surcharge for using this service ''despite'' the technology having proliferated ''EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET!'' ==== The Space Children (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': Remind me to never be a child. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bud]''': ''[mesmerized]'' Yes — [[w:Soupy Sales#New Year's Day incident|I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by [[w:Russell Johnson|Russell Johnson]]), but is finally caught.]'' :'''Crow''': Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by [[w:Gilligan's Island#"And the rest"|"And The Rest"]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]'' :'''Anne Brewster''': How does it tell you, and why? :'''Bud''': I don't think you'd understand. :''[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Anne]''': Oh, I'll just go [[w:It's a Good Life (The Twilight Zone)|wish myself into the cornfield]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]'' :'''Dr. Wahrman''': And what does it look like? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brewster]''': Well, it's got a good personality… === [[w:Hobgoblins (film)|Hobgoblins]] === :'''Servo''': Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]'' :'''Mike''': What, has he got [[w:Pringles|Pringles]] in his shoes? :'''Servo''': Proof that janitors walk upright! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dennis opens the vault door.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] is inside [[w:Time Enough At Last|reading]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Member, FDI-''Murder''! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 ''die''! {{hnote|Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short! :'''Mike''': These are the beginning credits! :'''Servo''': Oh, well, then kill me, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]'' :'''Mike''': It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Take on Me|Take on me...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''': ''[singing to "[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]"]'' Everybody have sex tonight! :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Everybody ''throw up'' tonight. :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ironically, no one in the band [[w:Wang Chung|Wang Chung]] had sex that night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried... :'''Servo''': Sentence fragments. Just phrases. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]'' :'''Crow''': So, does [[w:United Hardware|Hardware Hank]] have a major defense contract, or…? :. . . :''[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]'' :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's also a [[w:Black belt (martial arts)|black belt]] in [[w:Whac-A-Mole|Whac-A-Mole]]. :. . . :''[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by film''makers''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[singing along to generic '80s synth music]'' ::It's the '80s! ::Do a lot of [[w:cocaine|coke]] and vote for [[Ronald Reagan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Hobgoblins form up together]'' :'''Servo''': Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]'' :'''Servo''': Ugh! They made love in their [[w:Chevy Van (song)|Chevy van]] and that is ''not'' alright with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]'' :'''Crow''': So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]'' :'''Crow''': That is not a woman! That's [[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]! : . . . :''[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]'' :'''Servo''': The car will do anything to get out of this movie! :''[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.] :'''Crow''': In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were ''not'' in the car at the time of the crash! :''[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]'' :'''Mike [as Kevin]''': Look at that guy wave the [[w:Color gel|gel]] in front of the light! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great! You just shot down [[w:Air Force One|Air Force One]], you dope! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]'' :'''Servo''': The [[w:Tommy Bartlett|king of the Wisconsin Dells]] finally gets a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': This sure is a bad movie, won't you? :'''Servo Cutout''': It sure is, you know! :'''Crow Cutout''': Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins." :'''Mike Cutout''': Are you kidding me? :'''Servo Cutout''': Then let's go! :'''All [singing]''': Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo! : . . . :'''Mike Cutout''': Watch out, here comes one now! :'''Crow Cutout''': Look out, you little doodad! :'''Servo Cutout''': Something's sure going to happen! :''[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... ''[Speech fades out.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': Did I ever tell you what I did during the war? :'''Kevin''': No, what? :'''Crow [as McCreedy]''': Shot off my toe and got out! === [[w:The Touch of Satan|The Touch of Satan]] === :''[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]'' :'''Farmer''': Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mercy? :'''Farmer''': ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mercy]''': Yeah, ''milk'' me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:American Gothic|American Gothic]] people take revenge. : . . . :''[Fade to table of people laughing]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story]'' And then he ''died''! :''[all laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Grandma [[w:Cosmo Kramer|Kramer]]! :'''Mike''': A [[w:kabuki|kabuki]] actor's been hit! : . . . :'''Luther''': What happened? What have you done? :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]'' :'''Attendant''': That'll be six dollars, even. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. : . . . :'''Attendant''': See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them ''fromokaidal'' maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. : . . . :'''Jody''': Yeah, well, nobody needs a ''fromokaidal'' maniac hanging around. :''[Jody drives off.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Attendant]''': Is that right? I should check my ''dictionotomy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Trees (Rush song)|But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[stern]'' Mike, stop it '''''now'''''. :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jody''': This your pond? :''[Lengthy pause]'' :'''Crow [as Jody]''': You can take your time, it's a tough question. :'''Melissa''': It belongs to my father. :'''Jody''': Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond? :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': As long as you don't hit his favorite frog. :''[''Another'' pause] :'''Melissa''': I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car? :'''Jody''': Yeah. :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': Mind if I skip rocks across it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]'' :'''Melissa''': This is where the fish lives. :''[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]'' :'''Jody''': Why did you run? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Melissa]''': 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. :'''Melissa''': I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. :''[A pause.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jody]''': You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? :''[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jody]''': This is where my ''tongue'' lives. <hr width=50%"/> :''[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]'' :'''Mike [as [[w: Barney Fife|Barney Fife]]]''': I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]'' :'''Crow''': She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mike [as townsfolk]''': Oh, and "go [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]" too, but mostly burn the witch. :. . . :''[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible ([[w:Book of Job|Job]]) to his family.]'' :'''Strickland''': "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..." :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Strickland]''': ...said Madeleine. :'''Strickland''': "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Strickland]''': Tsch. Bunch of crap. :'''Strickland''': "A dreadful sound is in his ears." :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Strickland]''': It's [[w:Paula Cole|Paula Cole]], I think. :'''Strickland''': "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." :''[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]'' :'''Strickland''': What is it, child? :'''Young Lucinda''': I thought I heard something. :'''Strickland''': Pay attention to the word of God. :'''Servo [as Strickland]''': For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. :'''Strickland''': "Yea..." :'''Crow [as Strickland]''': "...team!" :'''Strickland''': "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..." :'''Mike [as Strickland]''': "...by ten-thirty…" :'''Strickland''': "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine." :'''Servo [as Daughter]''': Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! :. . . :''[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mrs. Strickland''': What is it, David? :'''Crow''': It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf? :'''Young Melissa''': Papa, what is it? :'''Crow''': ''[irritated]'' People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at ''all''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing along]'' "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened! === [[w:Gorgo (film)|Gorgo]] === :''[The film starts with a message about the filming locations of London and Dublin.]'' :'''Mike''': "London, England"... Yeah, which was paid for by exorbitant taxes on Rod Stewart and Pete Townshend. :'''Servo''': ''(after the message fades)'' Wait, I just got three words into it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:Al Gore|Vice President]]'s unimaginative campaign slogan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]'' :'''Mike''': And...? :''[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, they're fine! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]]"]'' ::They got into port and everyone was okay. ::They went out for lunch and felt better... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]'' :'''Sam''': Looks like they're pretty hard hit. :'''Mike''': Poor dopes, they [[w:Brigadoon|appear every hundred years]] and get hit by a huge storm. <hr width="50%"> : '''Joe''': Well, what do you know? : '''Mike, Crow, Servo''': [[w:Whad'Ya Know?|Not much. You?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]'' :'''McCartin''': After you load with water… you leave. Tonight! :'''Joe''': The sooner, the better! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe/Cheerleader]''': The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sam/Cheerleader]''': Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]'' :'''Mike''': Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by [[w:Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]] or infested by leprechauns they've got ''this'' guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Gorgo]''': McRoar! O'Growl! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]'' :'''Crow [as sailor]''': Am in Ireland, send real food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Put a guard on that thing, 24/7. And give him a rifle. :'''Tom''': Don’t give the monster a rifle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]'' :'''Crow''': I didn't know elephants exploded on impact! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe [[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]] flies in and kicks his ass? :'''Mike''': ''That'' I'd pay to see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I wish they'd get back to Dorkin. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more. :'''Servo''': Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage? :'''Crow''': Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work! :'''Crow''': ''[lewdly]'' Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh. :'''Mike''': That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I— :''[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what I mean. Stop it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]'' :'''Servo''': Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]'' :'''Sean''': She's going back now—back to the sea. :'''Servo [as Sean]''': ...With the blood of many on her scales. === [[w:The Final Sacrifice|The Final Sacrifice]] === :'''Crow''': If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]'' :'''Mike''': I understand everything up to the word "A". :'''Crow''': He comes from a long line of great anuses. :. . . :'''Crow''': That's an [[w:anagram|anagram]] for "direct to video!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Bharbara Egan.]'' :'''Crow''': That's an illegal use of a silent consonant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it. :'''Servo''': Already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]'' :'''Servo''': Seven years after the ''credits''? :'''Mike''': ''[confused]'' I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as figure]''': Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate. :. . . :'''Mike''': Heh... you know, people are just ''dying'' to&mdash; :'''Servo''': ''[sharply]'' '''''No.''''' :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. :. . . :''[Troy visits his father's grave.]'' :'''Troy''': ''[voiceover]'' Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Troy's Father]''': I ''died''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy enters his attic.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays. :. . . :''[Troy opens a trunk.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters. :'''Servo''': Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here. :. . . :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk. :''[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon. :''[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Larry Czonka|Larry Czonka]]! :''[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]'' :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich. :'''Crow [as Troy]''': I've got to find the warranty on this sweater. :''[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "[[w:Lost Lemon Mine|LEMON MINE]]".]'' :'''Mike''': No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]'' :'''Servo''': It's ''open!'' :. . . :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Can I interest you in a replacement door? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]'' :'''Mike''': Canadian villain Garth Vader. {{hnote|Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]'' :'''Mike [as Cultist]''': Damn you, Pee-Wee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zap Rowsdower''': What's your name, laddie? :'''Troy''': Troy MacGregor. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater! :''[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]'' :'''Mike''': Rowsdowermobile, ''away''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troy''': Will you help me find what's behind the map? :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': Oh, I don't go map-findin'-behindin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]'' :'''Zap Rowsdower''': Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with? :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': They're from [[w:Saskatchewan|Saskatchewan]]! :'''Troy''': No. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': It's a cult. :'''Servo [as Rowsdower]''': They worship [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|blue oysters]]. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': They want to rule the world. :'''Troy''': How do you know? :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I've been around, kid. :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': And I've been a square kid. :'''Servo''': D'oh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': They used to rule this land. :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[imitating the engine]'' Rowsdower-er-er-er-er... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': Go to hell! :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Or at least [[w:Edmonton|Edmonton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]'' :'''Troy''': '''FOOD!''' :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Yeah, no beer, though. :'''Pipper''': Hey! Who goes there?! :'''Servo [as Troy]''': More '''FOOD!''' :'''Pipper''': What the hell you doin' here?! :'''Crow [as Troy]''': We were eating your '''FOOD!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]'' :'''Pipper''': McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son? :'''Troy''': Yeah! Did you know him? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Pipper]''': Know him? He was delicious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, how'd he get his pants clean? :'''Servo''': Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:We Will Rock You|You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...]] :'''Crow and Servo''': We will, we will ROWSDOWER! :'''Crow''': SING IT! :''[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]'' :'''Crow''': We will, we... ''[normally]'' Oh, guess that's over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy is tied up and Rowsder gives him a knife to cut the rope]'' :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I dropped it. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Which is the sharp side? :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Um, I cut both my wrists. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]'' :'''Servo [as Satoris]''': You shot me in the butt! What the ''hell?!'' You shot me ''IN THE BUTT!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]'' :'''Servo''': Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world! :'''Crow''': He comes to save the day in a broken truck. :'''Mike''': With a stinky denim jacket on his back. :'''Crow''': He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked! :'''Mike''': But at least we didn't have to see him play ''[falters]'' h-hackey sack.... :'''Servo''': ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': Sorry, I panicked. === [[w:Monster Shark|Devil Fish]] === :''[The film's title is shown.]'' :'''Servo:''' The story of [[w:Aleister Crowley|Aleister]] [[w:Crappie|Crappie]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]'' :'''Peter''': Janet! Janet! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Peter]''': Oh, sorry, I forgot. [[Janet Jackson#nasty-names|I'm nasty, Miss Jackson]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]'' :'''Dr. Davis''': Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor. :'''Dr. West''': In his hands. :'''Dr. Davis''': Exactly. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Davis]''': Yeah, thanks for helping me out there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]'' :'''Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]''': Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade! :'''Servo''': I bet they hired every nature-hating ''psycho'' in Dade County. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': See the Human Lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number one. Report in. :'''Squad Member''': Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet. :'''Crow [as Squad Member]''': [[w:You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet|B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet]], over. : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Servo [as dead squad member]''': We done been et, over! : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Crow''': Oh, they'll be [[wikt:number two|number two]] soon enough. : . . . :''[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Devil Fish]''': ''[singing to Neil Young's "[[w:Southern Man|Southern Man]]"]'' Southern man, gonna eat your head! : . . . :''[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this should take care of ''every living '''thing''''' in the Everglades. : . . . :''[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Sheriff]''': Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms! :'''Crow''': Does the Coast Guard have a ''lot'' of use for flamethrowers? : . . . :''[Close up of burning water.]'' :'''Mike''': Eww, someone threw a match on the [[w:Cuyahoga River|Cuyahoga River]]. === [[w:The Screaming Skull|The Screaming Skull]] === ==== [[w:Gumby|Robot Rumpus]] (A Gumby Adventure) (short) ==== :'''Crow [as Gumby]''': One of my classmates died in the kiln today, ''mother''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumba''': Such clever boys certainly deserve some crackers with their milk! :'''Tom Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, don't! That's [[w:Wallace and Gromit|Wallace and Gromit]]'s yard! :''[Another robot chops down a tree.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! That's old-growth clay! :. . . :''[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Habitat for Humanity|Habitat ''Against'' Humanity]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]'' :'''Crow [as Weatherman]''': It's a fair to partly-cottony day… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumby's Mother''': Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk! :'''Servo''': ''Crackers?'' Wow! Maybe they can have ''white rice'' later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]'' :'''Crow [as mobster]''': [[Goodfellas|Gotta move this body back upstate.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Liquid metal!]] :''[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumby]:''' Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo leaps into a trench in order to deactivate one of the robots.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, bad move! Robots do ''not'' fight clean! :''[A moment later, Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Thank goodness for the internal genitalia! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]'' :'''Crow [as Gumby's Mother]''': That squares my breasts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Son, I'm gunna need a can of [[w:Play-Doh|Play-Doh]] to replace my butt. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]'' :'''Servo''': Aah! They hung his head! Oh… :'''Crow''': Now I'm ready for years of powerful [[w:Alfred Adler|Adlerian]] therapy, Mike. :'''Servo''': They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than ''[[Se7en]]''! :'''Mike''': Hey! His bump is on the other side! ==== The Screaming Skull (movie) ==== :'''Eric''': Jenni, this is Mickey. :'''Mike [as Eric]''': Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jenni''': How did Marian die? :'''Reverend Snow''': Didn't Eric tell you? :'''Crow [as Snow]''': He sat on her head. :'''Jenni''': I think the subject's rather painful to him. I'd like to make him talk about it... :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Let's just say she was riddled with bullets. :'''Jenni''': Would you mind telling me? I'd like to know. :'''Reverend Snow''': ... It was a rainy day... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': And he shot her. :'''Reverend Snow''': She and Mickey had been working up there in the greenhouse. She left him to go back to the house for a few minutes... :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Then a lion jumped out and shot her. At least, that's what Eric said. :'''Reverend Snow''': The way we pieced it together after the accident is that... :'''Servo [as Snow]''' She got shot. :'''Reverend Snow''': ...while she was coming down this path, apparently it began to rain very hard. :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Then she got dead. :'''Reverend Snow''': She must have run along here... we don't know of course what happened then... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': We should have called the police. :'''Reverend Snow''': Perhaps she slipped on a leaf. The base of her skull was smashed. :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Anyway, how are you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[Hamlet#Act V|Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Rev. Snow]''': Have you tried talking to ''your'' minister about this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]'' :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Don't you make that skull face at me, missy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[impatient]'' Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]'' :'''Crow''': ''GET A BOX!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Kiri Te Kanawa|Kiri Te Kanawa]] is drunk again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, great! She's playing her [[w:Yoko Ono#Musical career|Yoko Ono]] albums. :'''Mike''': I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, ''semicolon'', Skull". <hr width="50%"/> :''[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]'' :'''Mike''': Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]'' :'''Crow''': Everyone knows it's [[w:Slinky|Slink-skull!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, this movie's kind of a combination of "[[w:The Tell-Tale Heart|The Tell-Tale Heart]]", ''[[w:Blithe Spirit|Blithe Spirit]]'', and...well, a piece of lint, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.] :'''Crow''': Settled in a divot. :''[The skull twitches.] :'''Servo''': Woof! === [[w:Quest of the Delta Knights|Quest of the Delta Knights]] === :'''Crow''': Well, better than "Quest of the [[w:Delta Burke|Delta Burke]]", I suppose <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] was in office. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David Warner appears.]'' :'''Crow [as David Warner]''': ''[apologetic]'' In it for the money, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]'' :'''Baydool''': ¿Como te llamas? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': Yeah, [[w:Taco Bell chihuahua|yo quiero Taco Bell]], whatever. : . . . :'''Baydool''': Comment vous-appelez vous? :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Je m'appelle… Bite Me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Tee]''': I'll see if [[w:Tom Bombadil|Bombadil]] has a place to crash. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master". :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Right, [[w:Masturbation|Mr. Bater]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]'' :'''Pearl''': Ew, wizard whiz! :'''Crow''': Drain the wizard! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': [[w:Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em|Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Slave]''': Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am? : . . . :'''Lord Vultare''': We've rounded up a number of suspects. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vultare]''': …[[w:The Usual Suspects|including Kevin Spacey]]. :'''Lord Vultare''': I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order. :'''Mannerjay''': What of the map? :'''Lord Vultare''': No word. It seems… :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Vultare]''': …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]'' :'''Baydool''': These will put anyone to sleep in no time. :'''Crow''': They're tiny [[w:James Michener|James Michener]] books! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]'' :'''Tom''': The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]'' :'''Loony Henchman''': I'm com-iiiing! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Prince]''': Put a sock in it, [[w:Legolas|Legolas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': When in doubt, rest. :'''Crow''': You are full of crap beyond your years, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Tee [[w:Mr. T|pities the fool]] who gets in his way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Vultare]''': [[w:Engrish|Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation]]. == Season 10 == === [[w:Soultaker (film)|Soultaker]] === :''[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Soultaker/Cash]''': ''[singing to "[[w:I Walk the Line|I Walk the Line]]"]'' Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to [[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]].]'' :'''Servo''': I'm [[Ed Bradley]]... :'''Mike''': I'm [[w:Steve Kroft|Steve Kroft]]... :'''Crow''': I'm [[w:Lesley Stahl|Lesley Stahl]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card swoops into view.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': The [[w:Soul Train|SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's not Natalie, that's [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! :. . . :''[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': You're dead, [[w:Nancy Kerrigan|Nancy Kerrigan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[some jokes about Brad's car]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh, that car must reek of [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]! : . . . :'''Mike''': I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of [[w:Marlboro_%28cigarette%29|Marlboro Lights]] and [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]] out of the upholstery! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]'' :'''Natalie''': Karen! :'''Mike [as Karen]''': Sorry! [[w:Up Where We Belong|Love is lifting me up where I belong!]] :. . . :''[Natalie stomps in frustration.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': The lace on my skate broke! : . . . :''[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': [[w:Jeff Gillooly|Jeff Gillooly]] did it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by [[w:Joe Estevez|Joe Estevez]]) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.] :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]]. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.] :'''Mike [as tree]''': Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]'' :'''Mike''': She's survived by her Danskins. : . . . :''[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Natalie/Tonya]''': Whoa! [[w:Salchow jump|Triple salchow]] really takes it out of you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]'' :'''Tommy''': What do you want? :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Do you have a phone, so I can call [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin]] to take over my role? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]'' :'''The Soultaker''': ''[ominously]'' It's Closing Time! :'''Servo''': Does that mean that [[w:Closing Time (Semisonic song)|every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]'' :'''Tommy''': Thanks! :''[The woman laughs it off.]'' :'''Mike [as Woman]''': I just got assaulted, it's fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]'' :'''Natalie''': My mom! He's done something to my mom! :'''Zach''': No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. :'''Natalie''': What? :'''Mike [as Zach/Actor]''': Hey, look—you wrote this crap! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing in [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]]/[[w:talkbox|talkbox]] voice]'' I wanna thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]'' :'''Brad''': You still haven't figured it out, have you, man? :'''Crow''': We have! Can we go?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]'' :'''Crow [as Soultaker]''': Muhuhahahahaha! You're ''it!'' :'''Soultaker''': It's all over now. :'''Servo''': Oh, ho, I wish that were true! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Oh, Frank, I thought you were dead! :'''TV's Frank''': I ''am'' dead. ''[pause]'' I was in Second Banana Heaven for a while, but it is ''so political'' up there. Pat Buttram had it in for me right from the start. So, then I was an angel for a while, and then I got into big trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese. Scared the hell out of them. So, they transferred me to Soultaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''':I knew these two would get along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Maybe they have this wondrous, frilly wedding in the frou frou land of bunnies where magical fairies blow kisses to the stars, and the polka-dotted toadstools sing, 'Good Ship Lollipop,' to the tiny mice in their little feetie pajamas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to a scene with a smiley face balloon as main characters' souls are taken]'' :'''Crow''': Oh sure, just shove the irony down our throats! === [[w:Girl in Gold Boots|Girl in Gold Boots]] === :''[The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again. :. . . :'''Servo''': Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie? :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a jerk and pony marathon. :. . . :'''Servo''': Mike, you're a human being. How come ''you'' don't have a body like that? :. . . :'''Crow''': The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne. :. . . :'''Mike''': Ed Grimley choreographed this dance. :. . . :'''Servo''': Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]'' :'''Crow''': What happens when you touch ''gold''? :'''Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]''': Everything I touch turns to flies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the diner showing the word "EAT"]'' :'''Servo''': They forgot the "ME". :'''Mike''': Ah, the nights we lingered over brandy at "Eat". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Buz]''': Wh... oh, a ''gun''. So ''that'' was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle's Father''': Don't get smart with me! :'''Michelle''': I'm ''not'' getting smart! :'''Mike [as Michelle]''': I ''can't''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]'' :'''Buz''': What's wrong? :'''Crow [as Michelle]''': I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!" <hr width="50%"/> :''' [voice over]''' there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out) :'''Crow''': You can say that ag- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': I'll have ten Hershey bars. :'''Crow''': ''Tin'' Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat. :'''Michelle''': That'll be one dollar. :'''Servo [as Critter]''': I've got a "Happenings" coupon! :'''Critter''': Can you cash a hundred? :'''Michelle''': I've never even seen one! :'''Critter''': Fifty? :''[Michelle shakes her head "no."]'' :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]'' :'''Servo [as Buz]''': I'm back! :... :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Anybody notice that I'm here now? :... :'''Crow [as Buz]''': C'mon, I just ''teleported'' here! It's impressive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of [[w:Nepal|Nepalese]] money. :'''Crow''': From the land of Nipples! : . . . :''[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Your money's from [[w:Senegal|Senegal]]! : . . . :''[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]'' :'''Critter''': Yeah, I can come up with my own share. :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Ah, here's some [[w:Guatemalan quetzal|Guatemalan quetzal]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gas Station Attendant''': Will this be cash or charge? :'''Buz''': Cash. :''[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]'' :'''Crow''': On second thought, I'll just put it on my ''gun''! :'''Servo''': Heh, that guy's totally ''pistol''-whipped, man. : . . . :''[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh. :'''Servo [as Buz]''': Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She makes [[w:The Little Kicks|Elaine Benes]] look like a good dancer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[politely]'' Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"? :''[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]'' :'''Servo [as Man]:''' No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]'' :'''Harry''': I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. ''[Points to Buz.]'' :'''Mike''': Boy?! : . . . :'''Leo''': Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. ''[Pulls Buz aside.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties! : . . . :'''Crow [as Buz]''': Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime! : . . . :''[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]'' :'''Harry''': I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share. :''[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]'' :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor! : . . . :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people ''and'' I killed a guy! :'''Servo''': Well, what do you expect, he's ''only a child''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad. :'''Servo''': ''[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"]'' ''Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...'' : . . . :''[We see a billboard for ''Doctor Dolittle'' starring Rex Harrison.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Doctor Dolittle''? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy. : . . . :'''Servo''': I think someone slipped us their vacation videos. :'''Crow''': Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet. :'''Mike''': An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.! : . . . :'''Servo''': ''[singing along with the music]'' ''Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,'' :''The Zodiac killer's at large,'' :''Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,'' :''And Santa Claus is on his way!'' : . . . :''[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]'' :'''Crow''': Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, so he learns he ''enjoys'' violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta. : . . . :''[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass! :'''Mike''': So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form? : . . . :'''Servo''': She's dancing the specials at [[w:T.G.I. Friday's|T.G.I. Friday's]]. :'''Crow''': Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the [[w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]] grill. : . . . :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're living a lie. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' You gotta come down. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You dance like a clown. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' By and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' I hope that you ''die''! === [[w:Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders]] === :'''Pearl [introducing the movie]''': I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called ''Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'', and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]'' :'''[[w:Ernest Borgnine|Grandpa]]''': Uh-oh! :'''Crow [as Grandpa]''': We better eat all the ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the star]''': ''[straining]'' Twinkle! ''[grunts]'' That's all I got. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cooper''': ''[snidely]'' Allow me to introduce myself. :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': I'm Bob Jackass. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]'' :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]'' :'''Mike''': Clearly, Merlin has brought ''good'' into the world! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miffy]''': Meow, meow... [[w:Marathon Man|safe! Meow, meow... very safe!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]'' :'''Servo [as Madeline]''': Honey? You okay down there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Cooper]''': Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]'' :'''Merlin''': Don't I get a kiss? :'''Zurella''': You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go! :'''Mike''': So, she threatened him with sex? <hr width="50%"/> :''[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Why, here's something else Satan created: [[w:anime|Japanimation]]! :'''Servo''': It's the anime version of [[w:Peter_Rabbit|Peter Rabbit]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey]'' Why do I have to deal with it alone? :'''Adrianne''': Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': Wake up! :'''Adrianne''': The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, ''literally''! :'''David''': Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits- :'''Adrianne''': ''[seemingly agitated]'' Get that toy out of your house! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You idiot! :'''David''': I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do. :''[Adrianne gives David a medallion]'' :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': You want some peanuts? :'''David''': What's that? :'''Adrianne''': It's called a bethogram. :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': I sense the demon's name is Beth. :'''David''': This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh? :'''Adrianne''': Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times. :'''David''': Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too? :'''Adrianne''': My God, David! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You moron! :'''David''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come- :'''Adrianne''': I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own! :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': Damn it! :'''Adrianne''': And remember David, ''NEVER'' let it know! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]'' :'''David''': God help me! :'''Servo [as God]''': Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. ''[muttering]'' You're on your own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Merlin]''': I'm going to hit the mystical can. : . . . :'''Crow [as Merlin]''': Remember to believe in magic... or I'll ''kill'' you. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]''': I did a good job painting this room <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the kid]''': No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please! :'''Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]''': Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]'' :'''Merlin''': Heed my words.... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...munch my shorts.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]'' :'''Cooper''': Do you know who ''I'' am? ''I'' am the supreme being! :'''Servo''': [[w:Eric Clapton|Clapton]]? :'''Cooper''': I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[laughs]'' Why? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]'' :'''Merlin''': Ohh, Mrs. Cooper... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...you fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] ''': Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Kid]''': ''[slowly]'' Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]'' :'''Cooper''': You really think you are Merlin, don't you? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Cooper]''': My cheek-lines disagree. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grandpa]''': I have another script called ''[[Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]'', but I don't like it as much. === [[w:Future War|Future War]] === :''[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In association with Bob [[w:Tet Offensive|Tet Offensive]] Productions. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits identify actor [[w:Robert Z'Dar|Robert Z'Dar]].]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh z'no. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor [[w:Daniel Bernhardt|Daniel Bernhardt]]) creeps along a wall.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Jean Claude Van Damme|Jean Claude Van Damme]]! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn. :''[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Fred]''': Am I [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]? I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A midget [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|Tyrannosaurus rex]] (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]'' :'''Crow:''' He's a Cute-a-saurus! :''[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]'' :'''Servo''': He's being attacked by a [[w:schnauzer|schnauzer]] in a dinosaur costume. :''[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs? :''[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]'' :'''Servo''': Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas? : . . . :''[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]'' :'''Crow''': He's ''boxed'' in! :'''Mike''': Yeah, well, I'm card-''bored''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty :'''Servo''' ''[makes whistle sound]'' fifteen yards. <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]'' :'''Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]''': So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Hey, how did you know who I was? :'''Officer''': Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go. :'''Mike''': Fred Burrows? :'''Servo''': Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows. ... :''[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]'' :'''Crow [as the Runaway]''': Fred Burrows! Help me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]'' :'''Ann''': DRIIIIIVE! :'''Mike''': [[w:Surge (soft drink)|SUUUUURGE!]] :'''Ann''': ''DRIIIIIIIIVE!'' :'''Crow [as driver]''': Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go ''faster'', then you need to tell me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Introducing new, faster seconds! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]'' :'''Crow [as Ann]''': I'm ''fretting''. See, audience? I'm ''fretting''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf. :'''Mike''': Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]'' :'''Crow''': OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Huh??'' :'''Servo''': The movie that packs more "''Huh''s" per second! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Everything he wanted was everything I needed... :'''Crow [as Ann]''': So neither of us actually got anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain. === [[w:Zaat|Blood Waters of Dr. Z]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please enjoy a fish anus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the [[w:walking catfish|walking catfish]] moves.]'' :'''Narrator''': Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...like [[w:Courtney Love|Courtney Love]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]'' :'''Mike''': He's a [[wikt:cop a feel|Cop-a-feel]]-[[w:Coelacanth|acanth]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her [[w:jumpsuit|jumpsuit]].]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A-are you sure you're buying the right ''kind'' of jumpsuit? :'''Mike''': Hmmm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? ''[[Catfish Hunter]]'', that's who! Ha ha ha! :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name. :'''Crow''': Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work. :'''Servo''': ''[deflated]'' Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often. :'''Mike''': But it only works if you get the correct, current name. :'''Servo''': ''[disappointed]'' So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh... :. . . :'''Mike''': Tom, are... are you sulking? :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' No! :'''Mike''': Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke... :'''Crow''': No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick... :'''Mike''': Ssshh! He's suffered enough. === [[w:Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues|Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]'' :'''Mike''': A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a [[w:Green Bay Packers|cheese wedge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]'' :'''Servo''': And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying ''rat''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]'' :'''Doc''': Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student. :'''Servo [as Doc]''': Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Lockhart]''': We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]'' :'''Crow [as Lockhart]''': Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]'' :'''Servo''': Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the [[w:War of Northern Aggression|War against Northern Aggression]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim is walking around shirtless]'' :'''Crow''': Geez, kid, do a push-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]'' :'''Mike [as the Creature]''': Well, I'll be damned... farmers ''do'' exist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]'' :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Can I borrow a cup of shirt? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Lucy Lawless|Lucy Bra-less]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leslie''': ''[Over a walkie-talkie.]'' Tanya, do you read? :'''Mike [as Tanya]''': Third grade level! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]'' :'''Crow [as Doc]''': Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my [[w:gaydar|gaydar]]. :. . . :'''Doc''': ''[over CB]'' Tim? :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]'' :'''Leslie''': ''[over the walkie-talkie]'' He's close to you! :'''Doc''': My left or my right? :'''Servo''': Well, which way are you ''facing'', idiot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]'' :'''Mike [as Doc]''': I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets. === [[w:Track of the Moon Beast|Track of the Moon Beast]] === :'''Pearl''': Brain-Dead, let's send these guys, Track of the Moon Beast. It stars nobody, and features nothing. I hope you gag on it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]'' :'''Kathy''': Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"? :'''Paul''': Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Paul]''': Like [[w:Wahoo McDaniel|Wahoo McDaniel]]. :'''Paul''': It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy]''': Oh! Is he seeing anyone? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]'' :'''Kathy''': Paul, are you alright? What happened? :'''Servo''': She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" ''a lot.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]'' :'''Paul''': I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place. :'''Servo''': Dozens! No, ''hundreds'' of antiseptics! :'''Kathy''': Your place? :'''Paul''': Yeah, my place. :'''Mike''': I call it "Antiseptic Manor." :'''Kathy''': Fine. Your place, then. :''[Thunder rumbles.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Not his place! Fornicators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Paul]''': Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul rises after fainting.]'' :'''Paul''': I guess I blacked out. :'''Mike''': Um, ''excuse'' me, you ''African-Americaned'' out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.'']'' :'''Mike''': He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom! :'''Crow''': Maybe he has a trampoline in there. : . . . :''[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]'' :'''Mike [as Lizard]''': Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]'' :'''Crow''': Tha— That's just a picture of the moon! :'''Servo''': Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Boy]''': Thanks for the stereotype music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]'' :'''Mike''': Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.{{hnote|''... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for [[w:U.S. Route 66|U.S. Route 66]].]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Route 66 (song)|Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]'' :'''Kathy''': Johnny, you can't ''do'' this! Paul's your ''friend''! Paul— :'''Johnny''': ''PAUL'' IS NOT ''PAUL'' ANYMORE! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': HE'S ''[[w:Superman|SUPER PAUL]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': I see... [[w:Native American gambling enterprises|a huge casino]]! :'''Mike''': Oh, come on. === [[w:Final Justice (1985 film)|Final Justice]] === :'''Mike''': Aw, can't I have just ''one more'' justice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]'' :'''Crow''': In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]'' :'''Palermo''': ''[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.]'' You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ...what? :'''Servo''': Huh. What do you think he's a son of? [[w:Son_of_a_Preacher_Man|Son of a preacher man]]? [[w:Son_of_a_Son_of_a_Sailor_(song)|Son of a son of a sailor]], maybe? : . . . :'''Palermo''': You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': Uh... something! : . . . :'''Geronimo''': Get off your knees, you son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': Same thing you said! : . . . :'''Palermo''': I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': I'll kill you, but I won't curse you! : . . . :''[Much, much later in the movie...]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': You've got the right to remain silent. :'''Mike''': Oh, he ''is'' a real cop! :'''Geronimo''': ''[Knocks the suspect out.]'' And all that other ****. :'''Mike''': ...oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]'' :'''Wilson''': Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government. :'''Mike [as Wilson]''': That's hard to do! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Guests of ''Final Justice'' fly TWA. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.] :'''Servo''': Ugh, he's sweating [[w:palm oil|palm kernel oil]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Announcer]''': Cars provided by [[w:Matchbox|Matchbox]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltese taxi driver''': Do you know [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]? :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': [[w:John Wayne Gacy|Gacy]], yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts! : . . . :''[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]'' :'''Servo''': And God sends a door chassis from Heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': Carnival? Is it a big carnival? :'''Crow [as Geronimo]''': Can I get a balloon? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Guess he's a... [[w:Thelonious Monk|felonious monk]]! :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Palermo]''': I'm gonna [[w:95 Theses|nail some theses]] to his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]], Texas Ranger. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]'' :'''Servo''': Our hero: a big, stinky cheater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the end credits theme, "You Better Run" by Bill Scott]'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Servo''': ''Or he'll steal your lunch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better hi-i-ide'' :'''Crow''': ''...your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Mike''': ''Cause he's got the runs!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''Cause he won't stop till he gets his man'' :'''Crow''': ''Or your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah! :'''Servo''': Woo! :'''Crow''': Lay it! :. . . :'''Bill Scott''': ''They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...'' :'''Crow''': ''Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''That may be true'' :'''Servo''': ''But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide!'' Woo! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Pass the gravy now! :'''Mike''': You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys. :'''Crow''': Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker. :'''Mike''': I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower – :'''Servo''': ''MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!'' :'''Crow''': All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off. :'''Mike''': Oh, come on now. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!'' :'''Mike''': Oh, now you guys prepared that. :'''Crow''': Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!'' :'''Crow''': ''Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!'' :'''Servo''': ''He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!'' :'''Mike [leaves]''': Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes. :'''Crow''': Yeah! Give me seconds, baby! :'''Servo''': Hey, baby, you gonna finish that? :'''Crow''': Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will! :'''Servo''': Aw, somebody give me a napkin! === [[w:Hamlet (1961 film)|Hamlet]] === :''[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]'' :'''Mike''': San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The members of court are performing a dance.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hamlet]''': Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet. : . . . :''[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Hamlet]''': ''[in stoner voice]'' Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on [[w:Akvavit|aquavit]] — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Hamlet]''': Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Ghost]''': SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]'' :'''Ophelia''': My prince… :'''Servo [as Ophelia]''': … are back from [[w:Fotomat|Fotomat]]. : . . . :'''Hamlet''': I never gave you aught. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ophelia]''': Tscha! :'''Ophelia''': My honored prince… you know right well you did. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Right well did ''not''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Claudius''': I like him not... :'''Crow [as Claudius]''': I like him. NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': To be or not to be... :'''Mike''': The literary equivalent of "[[w:Beethoven's 5th Symphony|Da-da-da-dunnn!]]" :'''Hamlet''': That is the question. :'''Crow''': I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex. :'''Hamlet''': Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... :'''Servo''': Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler! :'''Hamlet''': Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? :'''Mike''': Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair. :'''Hamlet''': To die: to sleep. :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub. :'''Hamlet''': No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... :'''Mike''': Ok, we need a predicate, now. :'''Hamlet''':...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. :'''Crow''': Especially with Ophelia, man! ''[snickers]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, you... :'''Hamlet''': To die, to sleep. :'''Servo''': To SLEEP! :'''Mike''': Whoa, that's an old chesnut. :'''Hamlet''': To sleep... :'''Servo''': To ''SLEEEEEP'' :'''Hamlet''': Perchance to DREAM? :'''Servo''': The impossible DREAM? :'''Hamlet''': Aye, there's the rub. :'''Mike''': I knew I had some rub left... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? :'''Crow''': Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe. :'''Hamlet''': Who would fardels bear... :'''Mike'''': Ha, fardels... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others-- :'''Servo''': SUM UP! :'''Hamlet''': --that we know not of? : . . . :'''Mike''': So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.'']'' :'''Hamlet''': Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! :'''Crow [as Polonius]''': Oh, right, it's ''my'' fault you killed me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Fifty thousand, maybe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]'' :'''Hamlet''': Give us the foils. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': We shall some potatoes bake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]'' :'''Claudius''': Here, to thy health. :'''Servo [as Claudius]''': ...coming to a sudden end. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]'' :'''Mike [as Claudius]''': Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]'' :'''Mike''': Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball". === [[w:The Bat People|It Lives by Night]] === :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, ''it'' shouldn't drink so much coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kipling]''': Posed like this in ''[[w:Playgirl|Playgirl]]'', only without my pants! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]'' :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': Um... do you have any drug allergies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]'' :'''Cathy''': Dr. Kipling? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cathy]''': [[w:Rikki-Tikki-Tavi|Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's]] waiting for you. : . . . :'''Dr. Kipling''': Mrs. Beck... :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': ...[[w:Loser (Beck song)|you're a loser, baby]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]'' :'''Crow''': Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]'' :'''Crow''': Now, wait a minute... how did ''she'' turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and... :''[Pause]'' :'''Crow''': ''[horrified]'' ...''Oh, my god.'' :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' GAH! :''[They rush out of the theater]'' :'''Crow''': OH MY GOD! I get the shower first! :'''Servo''': No, me first! :'''Mike''': Urgh! === [[w:Horrors of Spider Island|Horrors of Spider Island]] === :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': It's a dames and broads audition. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]'' :'''Servo''': Lucky sign! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda begins stripping during the interview]'' :'''Linda:''' Shall I dance for you? :'''Crow:''' Yes! For God's sakes, yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]'' :'''Crow [as Gary]''': I see a [[w:Fantasy Island|tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Man, they're future [[w:Jesse Ventura|governors of Minnesota]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]'' :'''Joe''': For you, the worst girl in the world is too good. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': But I like [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! : . . . :''[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': Boy! Defending my [[w:misogyny|misogyny]] ''really'' takes commitment! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]'' :'''Georgia''': Gary! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Georgia]''': Your infidelity mildly irritates me! :'''Gary''': This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gary]''': Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gary]''': It's pretty windy too! And high humidity! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': ''[trying to get the attention of a passing ship]'' They must see us! They can't just leave us here! Hello! Hello! :'''May''': Stop all that screaming, Ann. You're driving me crazy. :'''Ann''': Let me go! Hello, take us with you! :'''Mike''': ''[the ship passes by]'' Damn ''[[w:SS Californian|Californian]]'', it never helps anyone. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]'' :'''Mike''': Look at that shadow - it's [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby starts shadow boxing while walking.]'' :'''Crow''': He saw an air molecule that respects women. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of [[w:Vince Guaraldi|Vince Guaraldi]]-esque piano music.]'' :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by Schroeder. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]'' :'''Mike''': ...Hey! :''[The words "The End" abruptly appear]'' :'''Servo''': So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent! We're outta here! === [[w:Squirm|Squirm]] === ==== [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|A Case of Spring Fever]] (short) ==== [the title is shown] :'''Servo''': Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coily the Spring Sprite''': So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Coily]''': ...In HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': So, one clod says one thing and the ''whole world'' pays??? :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]'' :'''Coily''': Hey! The door! :'''Servo [as Coily]''': I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]'' :'''Coily''': Noooo springs! ''[laughs]'' :'''Gilbert''': Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish. :'''Coily''': ''[rubs chin in thought]'' Wellll... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Coily]''': NO! :'''Coily''': Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again! :. . . :''[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]'' :'''Gilbert''': ''[After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.]'' Too bad... :'''Servo [as Gilbert]''': ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened! : . . . :'''Gilbert''': You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Gilbert]''': ...by anti-spring extremists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]'' :'''Gilbert''': I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as friend]''': ''Guns'', huh? : . . . :'''Gilbert''': Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! ''[inexplicably looks into sky]'' :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': Hey, look! ''God'' has a spring! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]'' :'''Gilbert''': Hey, Joe! Wake up! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gilbert]''': It's Coily's army of darkness! Look! : . . . :'''Joe''': You and your springs! I hope I never see another— :'''Gilbert''': ''Stop!'' Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live! :''[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Coily]''': ''You'll'' be the first to die! <hr width="50%"/> :''["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your [[w:preserves|preserves]] in a convenient place! ==== Squirm (movie) ==== :''[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': Well, I don't know why, but okay. :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': ''[dramatically]'' [[w:The Beverly Hillbillies|Of a man named Jed!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Granny Clampett]''': JEDDDDD!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick leaves Geri in the boat with Roger]'' :'''Crow''': Save the girl or go antiquing... Hmm... Antiques, here I come! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]'' :'''Roger''': You gonna be da worm face! :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': No, ''you'' gonna be da worm face! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]'' :'''Mama''': Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in. :'''Mike [as Geri]''': Mom, you don't even ''have'' a butt. :'''Mama''': I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Geri]''': Mother! That's private. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Sanders''': ''[in her exaggerated Southern accent]'' I never saw such a storm... :'''Crow [as Mama]''': I do hope [[Gone with the Wind|Ashley Wilkes]] can get through. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]'' :'''Geri''': Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases. :'''Mama Sanders''': Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mama Sanders]''': ... along with Daddy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]'' :'''Mick''': No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark. :'''Servo [as Geri]''': Mom cracked in 1953. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]'' :'''Servo [as Roger/[[w:Stevie Wonder|Stevie Wonder]]]''': [[w:Isn't She Lovely?|Isn't she lovely?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]'' :'''Servo [as Coily]''': Noooo springs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie is ending]'' :'''Servo''': Please, folks, remember to worm your dog. :'''Mike''': And if you do start a worm farm, do not raise flesh-eating intelligent millipedes by mistake. :'''Crow''': And if you have red hair, do not mate. === [[w:Danger: Diabolik|Diabolik]] === :''[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing along with the music]'' Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''':Y'know, this music would be better with women in [[w:Bikini|bikinis]] shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Diabolik]''': Let's have a [[w:Tantra|tantric]] quickie. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Eva]''': Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store. :'''Servo''': This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh! She's a ''great'' samaritan! :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': This will fool them unless they look at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow! ''Dangerously'' steep stairs! :'''Servo''': You're watching the ''stairs''? :'''Crow''': Poor Mike... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]'' :'''Servo''': They're really gonna have to get their [[w:Money laundering|money laundered]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]] and his wife! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, with ''my'' budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change. :. . . :'''Servo''': Paper cuts are brutal. :. . . :'''Crow''': The young [[w:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]]! :. . . :'''Servo''': They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars. :. . . :'''Mike''': If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better. :. . . :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster! :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now. :. . . :'''Crow''': Got greed? :'''Servo''': Member, FDIC! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Dan Quayle|Dan Quayle]] announces his candidacy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]'' :'''Mike''': The S. S. [[w:Jo Anne Worley|Jo Anne Worley]]! :'''Valmont''': Is that Stud... coming? :'''Crow''': I beg your pardon? :''[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': My steel, reusable [[w:Fleet (laxative)|Fleet]]. :'''Mike [as Diabolik]''': Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':They make love in English pound notes — their sex is 50% better!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]'' :'''Servo''': This has been the official [[w:Biographical film|biopic]] of [[w:Larry Fine (actor)|Larry Fine]].{{hnote|The series' final riff}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Look, Nelson. Move on. I am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At home, the gang watches ''[[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]]'', the first film in ''MST3K's'' cable run; While it's reveleaed that Gypsy has started her own company.]'' :'''Servo''': "The Crawling Eye". The [[w:Marty Feldman|Marty Feldman]] Story. :'''Mike''': Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in. :'''Crow''': [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?]] :'''Servo''': Hmmm.{{hnote|And thus ends the era of an old series. But a new generation is yet to come.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ralph Valmont''': ''[the final stinger of the original run of MST3K]'' Is that Stud... coming? == Season 11: The Return == === [[w:Reptilicus|Reptilicus]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars! <hr width="50%"> :''[as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill]'' :'''Miner''': Bones? :'''Jonah''': [[w:Star Trek: The Original Series|Jim]]! :'''Miner''': Fossil bones. :'''Jonah''': Fossil Jim! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie! :'''Jonah''': Okay, out. :'''Crow''': What? But that's Shakespeare! :'''Jonah''': Out! :'''Crow''': Oh, c'mon... <hr width="50%"> :'''Gypsy''': Now you're ''Mister'' Filing Cabinet! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack. <hr width="50%"> :''[as the scenes cut rapidly]'' :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Crow''': The temperature is negative five degrees! :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 5:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is ten degrees! :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 8:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is twenty degrees!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Only God can play God, and [[w:Bruce Almighty|sometimes Morgan Freeman]]! <hr width="50%"> :''[during a shot of two officers playing chess]'' :'''Crow [as officer]''': Bingo. Yahtzee. King me. I don't really know how to play backgammon. === [[w:Cry Wilderness|Cry Wilderness]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Crow''': Well, if you insist. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': '''WILDERNESS!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Douglas''': You're too old to believe in fairy tales! :'''Gyspy''': He is? What a terrible way to find out. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Paul runs away from his father, who is carrying a rifle]'' :'''Will''': Paul! :'''Jonah [as Will]''': Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... ''a person!'' <hr width=50%> :''[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]'' :'''Crow [as a raccoon]''': I went from ''Guardians of the Galaxy'' to this?! :'''Servo [as other raccoon]''': How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick! :. . . :'''Jonah''': You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN. :'''Servo''': Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace. :''[Paul's father begins to laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Don't laugh. You people are pigs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Wagoner''': You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel. :'''Will''': All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em! :'''Sheriff''': Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Jonah [as Sheriff]''': How ''high'', sir? :'''Mr. Wagoner''': What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys! :'''Jim''': You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': Make me understand. :'''Will''': It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with. :''[Wagoner throws something down which seemingly hits Servo]'' :'''Servo''': Ow! Geez! :'''Mr. Wagoner''': If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of '''one''' hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! ''[to Morgan]'' You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! ''[to Jim]'' You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! ''[a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]'' :'''Jonah [as Wagoner]''': Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing]'' :'''Servo''': Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun. :'''Jim''': It's old Big Mike! :'''Crow [as Will]''': Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead. :'''Jonah [as Morgan]''': What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails. :'''Crow''': ''Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love''. :'''Servo [as Paul]''': Maybe I'll laugh later. :''[Will begins laughing]'' :'''Crow''': I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their ''Seinfeld''. :'''Servo''': ''[Paul begins laughing]'' It's funny! :'''Crow''': Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for ''Two and A Half Men''? <hr width=50%> :'''Morgan''': Let's keep this a secret between you and me. :'''Crow''': Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid. <hr width=50%> :''[after a random tiger exits the cave]'' :'''Crow [as the tiger]''': I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': ''[grabbing Paul]'' Do I have to tie you up?! :'''Paul''': You're nothing but a dumb Indian! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''WHOA!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Red Hawk! Is that you? :'''Red Hawk''': You remember me, don't you? :'''Jim''': You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave. :'''Jonah [as Red Hawk]''': Well, Happy Easter. :'''Red Hawk''': I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. ''[beckons to the animals around him]'' :'''Crow [as a hawk]''': I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police! <hr width=50%/> :''[during a snowy scene]'' :'''Morgan''': Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game. :'''Will''': What do you mean? :'''Morgan''': I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now! :'''Crow [as Morgan]''': Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine! <hr width=50%> :''[As the credits roll]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit. === [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|The Time Travelers]] === :'''Crow''': I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour. <hr width=50%> :'''Gypsy''': Rip Torn is Dr. Strange! <hr width=50%> :''[shot of a table of android eyeballs]'' :'''Crow''': Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin? :'''Jonah''': "And-groin"? Did you just make that word up? :'''Servo''': I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch". :'''Crow''': Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting! <hr width=50%/> :'''Danny''': ''[holding a tray of android eyeballs]'' Holy McKee! I thought I was giving ''her'' the eye! :'''Jonah''': ''[sigh]'' You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny. :'''Servo''': Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Danny and Reena kiss]'' :'''Servo''': Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow! :'''Crow''': Hah! :'''Jonah''': Hey... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Carol finds a storage room filled with wooden boxes full of straw]'' :'''Servo''': Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future! :'''Crow''': Hobo bedding... of the future! :'''Jonah''': The insides of scarecrows... of the future! :'''Servo''': Practical dynamite storage... of the future! :'''Crow''': Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future! :'''Jonah''': Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of ''Jerry Maguire''... also of the future! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': You are pronouncing our death sentence. :'''Servo [as Steve]''': You dickweed! :'''Willard''': I don't enjoy doing it. :'''Steve''': You resented us from the beginning! :'''Willard''': I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I... :'''Crow''': Line! :'''Willard''': We must consider the greater good! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Hot Fuzz|The greater good...]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as the movie abruptly ends]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, the universe lost reception! :''[a message from the producer appears onscreen]'' :'''Jonah''': The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good. :'''Servo''': I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga Forrester''': Well Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. What an achievement. :'''Max''': If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with. Technically, this was our third episode. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Okay come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90, Mickey and Minnie's 25th Anniversary, uh... the 40th Anniversary of pulling ''Song of the South'' off the shelves- I don't know! We have got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake! :''[the skeleton crew wheels in a cake filled with candles; Max lights a lighter]'' :'''Kinga Forrester''': No no no, hey! ''[slaps the lighter from his hand]'' We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Wh- ... ''[sighs]'' Happy 200th, Max. :'''Max''': ...Yeah, okay. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Push the 200th button, Max. === [[w:Avalanche (1978 film)| Avalanche]] === :'''Onscreen Text''': New World Pictures presents... :'''Jonah''': The Illuminati made a movie? Huh. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and they're so open about it. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': It's terrific to see you. :'''Crow [as David]''': Even in that color palette. :'''David''': The two of you together... :'''Jonah''': And I'm not forgetting [[w:Steve Franken|you]], [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|Danny from the last movie]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Florence and McDade struggle walking uphill in snow]'' :'''Florence''': ''[breathless]'' In case you haven't noticed... not only... are we out-of-doors... and knee-deep... in snow... but we are... also... going uphill! :'''Jonah [as the director]''': Cut! Take 15, do it again! <hr width=50%/> :''[after a skier narrowly escapes an avalanche]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': My snowball predicted all of this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as we see Caroline swimming underwater]'' :'''Servo''': Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch. :''[she surfaces]'' :'''Caroline''': Oh, hi there. :'''Jonah''': Oh, she's in a heated pool. :'''Crow''': Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche. :'''Servo''': Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a waiters serve numerous [[w:baked Alaska|baked Alaskas]]]'' :'''Jonah [as a waiter]''': Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please? :'''Crow [as a waiter]''': ''[as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony]'' Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous. :''[as a waiter serves one to where the main characters are sitting]'' :'''Servo [as a waiter]''': Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry. :'''Jonah [as Florence]''': Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, ''and'' butter??? Oh... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': You know what this movie is missing? :'''Crow''': Name tags. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[as he and Caroline get into an argument]'' What's going on here? I only asked you to dance! :'''Caroline''': You didn't ''ask'' me to dance, you ''told'' me to dance! :'''Servo''': Crazy on you! :'''Caroline''': You've got to run the whole show, you panic if you haven't got complete control! It's always the same thing! I've got to the point where I didn't even know what I felt about anything! :'''David''': I just want to be with you! What's wrong with wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with me?! :'''Caroline''': You ''stifle'' me! I- I need some space! I need some room! I've gotta make my own decisions! Just leave me alone. :'''David''': I don't ''want'' to leave you alone! :'''Caroline''': Well, that's a problem I can solve. :'''Jonah''': Get a second divorce! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film cuts to an unfocused shot of the storm]'' :'''Servo''': Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune? :'''Crow''': I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a plane crashes in a fiery explosion into the mountain and triggers the avalanche]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like ''Sharknado'' or ''Lavalantula''. :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, we give you ''Plane-alanche''! :'''Jonah''': I didn't know snow was so combustible. :'''Servo''': It's not, but styrofoam is. :'''Crow''': Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving. :'''Jonah''': I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know. :'''Servo''': This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter. <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Fire Department loses a box of first aid equipment]'' :'''Crow''': That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent! :''[an ambulance stops in the street, while a police car swerves to avoid a collision, and almost hits a person, causing mayhem]'' :'''Jonah''': They should change the name of this movie from ''Avalanche'' to just ''General Catastrophe''. :'''Servo''': Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche? :'''Crow''': What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it? <hr width=50%/> :''[when a fire truck's yellow beacon light is right in front of the camera]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, it's commercial sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ambulance carrying Florence careens off a cliff]'' :'''Jonah''': Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall. :'''Gypsy''': Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive. :''[the ambulance explodes]'' :'''Crow''': Yup. There she goes. :'''Servo''': Even the fire smells like gin. === [[w:The Beast of Hollow Mountain|The Beast of Hollow Mountain]] === :'''Jonah''': Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking. :'''Crow''': Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio. :''[Pancho stumbles outside]'' :'''Jonah [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' Kick ''me'' out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it! :'''Crow [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' I told you we'd have fun on your birthday! :'''Pancho''': ''[drunk]'' You're not mad at me, are you? :'''Servo [as Panchito]''': Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Enrique approaches Jimmy and Don]'' :'''Don Pedro''': The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me. :'''Jimmy Ryan''': I know, I've been there. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Girlfriend. :'''Don Pedro''': Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing. :'''Enrique''': ''[in a heavy American Accent]'' Speaking of disappearing... :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': Has anyone seen my accent? :'''Enrique''': Why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from? :'''Jonah [as Jimmy]''': I'm from Connecticut! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jimmy fights with Enrique]'' :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': For the last time! ''[synchronizes with each punch]'' [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]]! Isn't! That! Bad! <hr width=50%/> :'''Enrique''': What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?! :'''Sarita''': If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us! :'''Enrique''': But they did see! :'''Sarita''': What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away! :'''Jonah''': Ooh... :'''Enrique''': It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of... :'''Servo [as Enrique]''': Haggis. Ugh. :'''Enrique''': Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself. :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': He is another, stupider man. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Wow, Machu Picchu! :'''Servo''': Machu Picchu is in Peru. :'''Crow''': Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru? :''[Servo lunges at Crow but Jonah holds him back]'' :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Would you just-?! Ohh! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery]'' Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off! :'''Servo''': You can't, we tried that. :'''Crow''': Yeah, we're made out of those special parts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet. <hr width=50%> :'''Panchito''': Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp! :'''Jonah, Crow, and Servo''': Second act twist! <hr width=50%> :'''Kinga''': ''[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film]'' Uh, is this that [[Hamilton (musical)|Hamilton show]] everyone's talking about? :'''Max''': It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head. :'''Jonah''': ''[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely]'' Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?! :'''Kinga''': ''[begging]'' Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind! :'''Max''': What have we done to offend thee?! :'''Jonah''': Answer me! You guys are scaring me! :'''Max''': Who must we kill to slake thy anger? :'''Jonah''': ''[growing more uneasy]'' Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?! :'''Kinga''': ''[sobbing in horror]'' Make it stop!! :'''Jonah''': ''[as 'Movie Sign' blares]'' Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go! :''[back in the theater]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[to Servo]'' What was all that about? :'''Servo''': That wasn't us. <hr width=50%> :''[when the film's titular beast; a claymation Tyrannosaurus Rex, finally appears]'' :'''Crow''': I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra. :'''Servo''': You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur? :'''Crow''': No, I was not. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie. :'''Servo''': What do you call it? :'''Jonah''': I don't know. "Pancho"? :'''Crow''': And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jimmy fires upon the dinosaur]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme]'' But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face. :'''Crow''': Meta! === [[w:Starcrash|Starcrash]] === :'''Woman on PA System''': Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. :'''Gypsy [as the Woman]''': Your Hot Pocket is ready. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': ''[looking at a space landscape full of different colored stars]'' Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': You can drop the rifle ray. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': My name's not Ray, it's Stella! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ship goes into hyperspace]'' :'''Crow''': Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver? <hr width=50%/> :'''Atkon''': It's here on the third planet of the next solar system. :'''Stella''': I've never been there. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint. :'''Stella''': What's it like? :'''Atkon''': Red fogs, high winds, low gravity. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Oh, it's like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Like Delaware! <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': Say goodbye! ''[fires his laser gun at Atkon with no effect on Atkon; the lasers are very low quality]'' What??? :'''Jonah [as Akton]''': Your crappy effects are powerless against me. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stella and Simon fight off a mob of cavemen]'' :'''Jonah''': Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun! :''[Akton appears, and summons a laser sword weapon]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off ''[[w:Spaceballs|Spaceballs]]''. :... :'''Servo [as Akton]''': Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once. :'''Akton''': There's no need to continue. :'''Crow''': Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys! === [[w:The Land That Time Forgot (1974 film)|The Land That Time Forgot]] === :''[as someone throws a canister into the sea]'' :'''Crow''': It's a can of spring snakes. :'''Servo''': That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day. :'''Crow''': Or gives them a heart attack. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bowen Voiceover''': I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate. :'''Jonah [as Bowen]''': So never mind. <hr width=50%/> :'''Freidrich''': Prepare to surface. :'''Dietz''': Jawohl, Kapitän. :'''Crow''': Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy. :'''Friedrich''': Up periscope. :'''Officer''': Up periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time... :''[as the Periscope is brought up, and Friedrich wipes it down]'' :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on! :'''Crow''': This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors. :'''Friedrich''': Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope. :'''Officer''': Down periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?! :'''Crow [as Klaus]''': Sorry, mein Kapitän. :'''Friedrich''': Both engines full ahead. :'''Officer''': Both engines full ahead! :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Klaus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Friedrich''': Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area. :'''Servo''': He said "area". :'''Friedrich''': And we should rendezvous within the hour. :'''Crow [as Friedrich]''': Or the pizza's free. :'''Friedrich''': And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate. :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"? :'''Jonah''': Nope. :'''Crow''': Someday the whole show will be like this. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Bowen fights a Plesiosaur]'' :'''Servo''': So that creature's probably endangered, right? :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT! <hr width=50%/> :''[while the crew battle two Allosaurus; one of them puts away his rifle and pulls out a pistol]'' :'''Crow''': Oh good, a smaller gun. And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him. <hr width=50%/> :''[while the expedition journeys through the jungle]'' :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, stop! :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND! <hr width=50%/> :''[in an overly long scene where Bowen and Friedrich stalk a styracosaurus]'' :'''Jonah''': If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away. === [[w:The Loves of Hercules|The Loves of Hercules]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment is a pecs-and-princess epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield. :'''Max''': It stinks like feta cheese! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log]'' Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing. :''[Hercules struggles to gain balance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! ''[grunt]'' Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Hercules breaks down a barricaded door]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': ''[Italian accent]'' I haved breakededed the door! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira changed behind a pink sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Why is she standing behind a giant napkin? :'''Servo''': Ooooh... :'''Crow''': Oh, it's hanky panky. :''[the bots attempt to peek behind the sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here! :''[Deianira puts a robe on]'' :'''Servo''': Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it. :'''Jonah''': How was it though? :'''Crow''': Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear. <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of a supposed to be threatening bull, but the bull just looks peaceful]'' :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira faints after Herculese kills the bull]'' :'''Servo [as Deianira]''': I haven't fainted in nearly ten minutes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hercules''': Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine. :'''Crow''': Stalker alert. <hr width=50%/> :'''Achelous''' Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be. :''[Hercules looks stunned]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': What? :'''Jonah''': Download complete. :''[Hercules looks stunned again]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': But then you- :'''Jonah''': Download complete. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules fights Achelous]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': Now bow down to my tiny nipple. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Philoctetes rides into a landscape with colorful smoke]'' :'''Servo''': He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist. :'''Jonah''': See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril. :'''Crow''': Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest. :'''Jonah''': Right. :... :'''Crow''': How do you get pink smoke? :'''Servo''': That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules clumsily fights a Hydra puppet]'' :'''Crow [as the director]''': Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the ''Jurassic Park'' ride at Universal Studios. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules struggles in battle against the hydra]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I've got an idea, maybe the weapons were laying around, because they were '''''INEFFECTIVE???''''' Come on, man! I fall over in disgust. === [[w:Yongary, Monster from the Deep|Yongary: Monster from the Deep]] === :''[as the film opens with a couple newlyweds]'' :'''Servo''': Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a car drives down the center of a highway, not in an exact lane]'' :'''Crow''': The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way! :'''Servo''': This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': I think I know what's going on. Come on out. :'''Groom''': Who are you talking to? :'''Ilo''': Come on out of there, Icho! :'''Gypsy''': Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? Glad his name isn't Poo-O. :'''Jonah''': Okay, Gypsy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Groom''': ''[when the bride wakes him up]'' Huh. I must have dozed. :'''Servo''': This is all part of his elaborate love play. :'''Groom''': Boy, I’m really tired tonight. :'''Bride''': You can sleep afterward. :'''Crow''': After what, Jonah? :'''Jonah''': D- Don’t worry about it. :'''Crow''': Okay. :'''Groom''': You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear? :'''Servo [as the Groom]''': That’s not what I’m into. :'''Bride''': I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed. :'''Groom''': No. :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Yes.. :'''Groom''': That happens whenever I get married. :'''Servo''': “Whenever???” :... :'''Groom''': Hey, sweetheart... :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[looking on a model center in the film]'' This must be [[w:Shining Time Station|Shining Time Station’s]] military industrial complex. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a buzzer begins to sound in the film]'' :'''Jonah''': We got movie sign! :''[Jonah and the Bots get excited and begin to run out of the theater, before quickly realizing the buzzer is in the film and return to their seats]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, that was... :'''Crow''': Whoops, that was embarrassing! :'''Jonah''': Yeah, sorry about that. <hr width=50%/> :''[during an earthquake]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh this is it, the big one's hitting! ''[freaking out]'' Gypsy, initiate panic mode! :''[Jonah and the Bots scream and run around in place]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[dropping down]'' Guys, settle down, it's not even a convincing earthquake scene! Looks like your weird uncle's train set! <hr width=50%/> :''[an earthquake hits, and mountains smoke]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's just North Korea. [[w:Nuclear weapons testing|They do that]]... a lot. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Yongary emerges from the ground]'' :'''Police Officer''': Yongary's coming out! :'''Crow''': Hey, good for Yongary! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo's Mother''': Please don't go, Ilo. :'''Ilo''': Don't you worry. I have to go. I'll be alright. :'''Icho''': I'll go too. :'''Jonah [as Icho]''': Death and destruction are my jam. ''Whee!'' :'''Suna & Ilo's Mother''': Icho! Icho! No, come back, please! :'''Crow [as Icho]''': You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving! <hr width=50%/> :''[at a sock hop; a teenager prays while another pours beer on his head]'' :'''Servo [as Praying Teen]''': Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us. :'''Jonah''': I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in? :'''Soldier''': You got here a bit too late. :'''Crow [as Soldier]''': He's dead. Movie's over. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Servo [as Soldier]''': We're just waiting for the shockwave. :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah''': Sergeant Loose Lips right here. :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Servo [as Ilo]''': Um, we're not going. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Crow''': Did they hit a glitch in [[w:The Matrix|the Matrix]]? :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah [as Soldier]''': Go. I'm out of dialogue! :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Suna''': Missiles? Really? :'''Servo''': ''Yeah! Any minute!'' === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Jonah''': How do you lose a whole kingdom? :'''Crow''': Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car? <hr width=50%/> :''[when it's revealed that [[w:James Horner|James Horner]] composed the film's score]'' :'''Jonah''': James Horner?! :'''Crow''': Ah, yes. ''[[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]'', ''[[w:Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'', ''[[w:Avatar (2009 film)|Avatar]]'', and this movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, when [[w:James Cameron|Cameron]] was scoring ''[[w:Titanic (1997 Film)|Titanic]]'', he said, "I want that ''Wizards of the Lost Kingdom'' sound." <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon watches his father battle Shurka via a reflection in water]'' :'''Crow''': It's streaming video. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Jiffy Pop helmet, save me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Kor walks away from Simon and Gulfax]'' This is where Kor's theme song comes in. :''[starts singing]'' :''They call me Kor the Conquerer'' :''I thought I could conquer anything'' :''But ever since I met that boy'' :''I've found out I'm not worth a thing'' :''That's just par for the Kor'' :''That's just par'' :''They call me Kor!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after Simon casts a spell which destroys the pool, in which Shurka was watching him in an explosion]'' :'''Jonah''': Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects! :'''Shurka''': Damn him! ''[continues angrily screaming]'' He has beaten me this time; Bombinooooo! :'''Jonah''': See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake. :'''Crow''': Oh wow! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': What is it? :'''Kor''': Riders, coming this way! :'''Jonah''': Writers? They'll fix the script! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon resurrects the dead]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[as Simon]'' I just remembered, I'm an overpriviledged wuss! <hr width=50%/> :''[Shurka attempts to seduce Princess Aura]'' :'''Shurka''': You have spirit. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' Yes you do. :'''Shurka''': I like that. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' How about you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Hurla''': Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most. :'''Crow''': That's not a plan. :'''Simon''': But I can't. :'''Hurla''': Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you. :'''Servo [as Hurla]''': And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]]''': I just realized why they called it a suicide cave! :'''Servo [as Statler]''': Why's that? :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': Because I want to kill myself! :''[Servo and Jonah laugh like Statler and Waldorf]'' :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': I'm depressed... <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as the [[w:Tales from the Crypt (comics)|Crypt-Keeper]]]''': Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just ''dying'' to get in here. ''[evil laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Watch out for the stalag-''fright''! ''[cackles]'' :'''Crow [as the Crypr-Keeper]''': Be careful so you don't go ''batty''! ''[wicked laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Here, let me give you a... ''hand''! :'''Jonah''': Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions. :'''Crow & Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Oooh! A crematorium! ''[wicked laughing]'' :''[Jonah gets annoyed, and grabs Crow and Servo, and crashes them into each other]'' :'''Crow''': Oof! :'''Servo''': Ow! <hr width=50%/> :''[when Simon and Kor come upon a large dirty waterfall landscape]'' :'''Crow''': This is where the runoff goes from [[Roald_Dahl#Charlie_and_the_Chocolate_Factory_(1964)|Wonka's Chocolate Factory]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Simon and Shurka duel each other in magic]'' :'''Servo''': So how come wizards have such terrible aim? :'''Jonah''': Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements. :'''Crow''': Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet. :'''Servo''': Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as the credits begin rolling]'' Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom. :'''Servo''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists. :'''Crow''': Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad. :'''Servo''': Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs. :'''Crow''': Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition. :'''Jonah''': I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king? :'''Servo''': Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely. :'''Crow''': Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion. :'''Servo''': Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides. :'''Crow''': And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew. :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. :'''Jonah''': You guys are making me feel sick. :'''Servo''': It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it. === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II]] === :'''Caedmon''': I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard. :'''Jonah''': Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Guys, I never thought I’d miss Simon and Kor so badly. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tyor is entranced by a female dancer]'' :'''Tyor''': She's beautiful, master! So delicate! :''[she punches one of the patrons]'' :'''Crow [as Tyor]''': She's her own bouncer! :'''Tyor''': So strong! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor. :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor! :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Jonah [as Caedmon]''': ''Time to go, Tyor!!!'' :'''Tyor''': Isn't the arts part of my education? :'''Caedmon''': Absolutely not! :'''Servo [as Caedmon]''': The state cut arts funding! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': You will no longer breathe the air of a free man. :''[Loki laughs]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Robert_Blake_(actor)|Robert Blake]] in ''[[Lost Highway]]''. :'''Tyor''': By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone! :'''Jonah''': He's making all this up as he goes along. :'''Tyor''': Oomen, kauai, tenk! :'''Servo [as Loki]''': Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of ''[[w:Caroline in the City|Caroline in the City]]''. :''[Loki is turned to stone]'' :'''Jonah''': Alright, take him to [[w:Jabba the Hutt|Jabba]]. :'''Tyor''': Now his garden is complete. :'''Crow''': [[w: Won't Get Fooled Again|YEEEAAAH!!!]] ''[[CSI: Miami]]''! <hr width=50%/> :''[as two thieves engage in a fight, and one begins to attack using the exact same move]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': Prepare for my overhand! ''[attack is blocked]'' :'''Crow [as thief]''': Or how about my overhand! ''[attack is blocked again]'' :'''Jonah [as thief]''': No? Well try my OVERHAND! ''[blocked again]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— ''[bandit uses the same attack again]'' PSYCH! Overhand! ''[blocked again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Donar''': ''[capturing Freyja]'' Who gave him the sword? :'''Jonah [as Donar]''': And where's your hall pass? :'''Donar''': You die with the dawn. :'''Freyja''': He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache! :'''Crow''': We all do, trust us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': ''[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja]'' If I take you with me, what do I get? :'''Freyja''': ''[seductively]'' Anything. :'''Servo [as Tyor]''': Can I keep these cool rubber snakes? :'''Tyor''': That's what I was afraid of. :''[music cue]'' :'''Jonah [as Tyor]''': The band is illustrating my sexual confusion. === [[w:Carnival Magic (1983 film)|Carnival Magic]] === :''[as the title card partially appears]'' :'''Servo''': Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you! :'''Crow''': Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh. :''[the word "Magic" begins to slowly reveal itself one letter at a time]'' :'''Servo''': ''Carnival Man''. :'''Jonah''': ''Carnival Magnum, P.I.'' :'''Servo''': Off the O. Henry story. :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Carnival Magi''- oh, ''Carnival Magic'', I knew it the whole time, guys. <hr width=50%/> :''[Missy O'Shea is credited as "The girl in the car"]'' :'''Crow''': Lots of girls in this movie, but only Missy O'Shea is in the car. <hr width=50%/> :''[Markov walks alone, talking to something offscreen, seemingly looking at Servo]'' :'''Markov''': Now stop playing this is serious. :'''Servo''': I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. :'''Markov''': I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing. :'''Servo''': When you're right, you're right. :'''Markov''': This isn't the first time it's happened, you know. :'''Servo''': We agreed not to talk about that. :'''Markov''': You just... you just won't be quiet, you think everyone's your friend because you trust so much. :'''Servo''': I blame [[w:Facebook|Facebook]]. :'''Markov''': We can try to stay clear of people, but... :'''Servo''': They're everywhere, right? :'''Markov''': ... in time, they'll come into our lives and nothing will ever be the same again. :'''Servo''': You mean when we ride the comet? :'''Markov''': You know, I need time to myself too, you know. :'''Servo''': Of course, master. Forgive me. :'''Markov''': But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster. :'''Servo''': Again, let me apologize, I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry. :'''Markov''': People are suspicious of things they don't understand. :'''Servo''': Right, like the thing with the chicken. :'''Markov''': And that's why I'm hiding you. :'''Servo''': That makes sense, master. Let me go prepare your chamber. :'''Markov''': But it's very hard to keep the world out. :'''Servo''': I understand. We're all waiting for the day of the great translargement. It's going to be glorious. ''[returns to his seat]'' :'''Crow''': What was that all about? :'''Servo''': Hell if I know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': He's got Kirk. :'''Bud''': Kirk is not the answer anymore. :'''Servo''': Picard? <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': Alex... :'''Servo''': I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200. :'''Markov''': ...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through. :'''Jonah''': What stage of grief is chimp-play? :'''Markov''': But we're broke... :'''Crow [as Markov]''': Your [[w:Beanie Babies|Beanie Baby]] obsession destroyed us. :'''Markov''': And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you. :'''Jonah''': Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really. <hr width=50%> :'''Carnie''': Okay okay okay, here's where you get the big one, one in, you win- how about you, sir? Three balls for fifty cents, by golly, here's where you win the big one, just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish. Everybody plays it! Come on in, sir, wait a minute, step right inside, sir... :'''Jonah [as [[w:Toby Radloff|Toby Radloff]]/[[w:The Simpsons|Comic Book Guy]]]''': Uh, no. As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance. I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival against the laws of probability. On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants. Oh no, I've attracted a crowd, the pressure's on... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Crow and Servo ogle a pair of scantily-clad dancing women]'' :'''Jonah''': Come on, guys. That's not cool. :'''Crow''': But you dance all the time! :'''Jonah''': That's my ''private'' time, and- I- I didn't know you could see that either, okay?! <hr width=50%/> :''[Alex goes into an unlocked car, and a girl is seen sleeping in the back]'' :'''Servo''': Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car! :''[Alex starts the car up]'' :'''Jonah''': ''Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.'' :'''Servo''': Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?! :'''Crow''': Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's ''a'' girl in ''a'' car, but is she ''the'' girl in ''the'' car? <hr width=50%> :''[Alex has stolen a car and run a police car off the road, getting it stuck in the grass]'' :'''Jonah''': Police cars don't work on grass! :'''Servo''': [[w:Back to the Future Part II|Unless you got powuh!]] ''[laughs goofily]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[during a random car chase]'' :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Breaker, breaker, we got a ''Carnival Magic'' in progress. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Uh, ''Carnival Magic''? What's that? :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters. :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it]], thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Yeah, exactly. ''Carnival Magic.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Livingston''': It's as if he's willing himself to die. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': We'll have what he's having! <hr width=50%/> :''[as onscreen text announces a potential sequel]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''More Carnival Magic''? No! :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of ''Carnival Magic'' sequels, though when ''More Carnival Magic'' finally came out, it was titled ''[[w:2 Fast 2 Furious|2 Magic 2 Carnival]]''. :'''Crow''': Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, ''Carnival Magic 3: [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|Return of the Girl in the Car]]''. :'''Servo''': Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the [[w:Star Wars #Prequel Trilogy|prequels]]. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp. :'''Crow''': And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats. :'''Servo''': They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company. :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, the whole ''[[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe]]''. At that point, the whole ''Carnival Magic'' movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the ''Carnival Magic'' toy lines. :'''Servo''': But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with ''[[w:Batman Begins|Carnival Magic Begins]]'' and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place. :'''Jonah''': I had no idea there were so many of these movies. :'''Servo''': Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio? :'''Crow''': And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane. :'''Servo''': True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency." :'''Crow''': "All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors." :'''Jonah''': Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic. :'''Servo''': Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful. :'''Crow''': They tried a couple of disaster movies- ''Tornado'', and ''The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out''. :'''Servo''': And of course the [[romantic comedies]] ''Van Rockers'', and ''Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat''. :'''Crow''': I kind of liked the action movies he did: ''Maximum Towage''. :'''Servo''': Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic ''Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension''. :'''Jonah''': Guys, were any of these movies real? :'''Servo''': Of course not, Jonah! :'''Crow''': I don't even think ''Carnival Magic'' was real, and we just watched it! :'''Jonah''': That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now? === [[w:The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|The Christmas That Almost Wasn't]] === :'''Max''': Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! :'''Kinga''': No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the title card appears, and reads "Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu"]'' :'''Servo''': Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': I must be seeing things. :'''Jonah''': Charles Darwin? :'''Sam''': Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Are you saying I'm fat?! :'''Santa''': I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing. :'''Sam''': That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face! :'''Crow [as Santa]''': I'm off the clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year? :'''Crow [as Sam]''': Yeah, what's his ''dill''? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': When's the rent due, Santa? :'''Santa''': Christmas Eve at midnight. :'''Sam''': Doesn't leave you much time, does it? :'''Santa''': That's why I came all the way down here to find you. :'''Sam''': Why me? I'm nobody special. :'''Santa''': Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter. :'''Sam''': So did a million other children. :'''Santa''': That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the ''only'' child who wrote me a letter ''after'' Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's. :''[Sam begins laughing]'' :'''Servo [as Sam]''': Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': How much do you owe, Santa? :'''Santa''': Oh no, I couldn't... :'''Sam''': Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much? :'''Santa''': ''[handing him a piece of paper]'' Well, here's the rent bill. :'''Jonah [as Sam]''': This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': 800 candy canes a ''day''??? :'''Sam''': ''[perplexed]'' That much...? :'''Servo [as Sam]''': You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a GoFundMe page! :... :''[as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short]'' :'''Sam''': Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills. :'''Servo''': A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune! :'''Servo''': The T stands for "the"? :'''Sam''': That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?! :'''Crow''': ''[dramatic gasp]'' :'''Prune''': I object! :'''Sam''': Objection overruled! :'''Crow''': Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Prune spies on Sam]'' :'''Jonah''': Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Suzy's Mother''': But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store! :'''Jonah''': What's next, cherry [[w:phosphate soda|phosphates]]? Women driving cars? A [[John F. Kennedy|Catholic in the White House]]??? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a now reformed Prune runs out into the street]'' :'''Prune''': Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? :'''Jonah [as Prune]''': Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?! :'''Prune''': Why? Why? ''[a passerby walks by]'' Merry Christmas! :'''Passerby''': Please, please sir, you'll catch cold! :''[another passerby walks by]'' :'''Prune''': Merry Christmas! :'''Servo [as Passerby]''': I think you mean "Happy Holidays". <hr width=50%/> :'''Prune''': ''[singing]'' Why can't every day be Christmas? :'''Jonah [as the other person] ''': I don't know! :'''Prune''': Why can't every day be gay? :'''Crow''': That's a loaded question. === [[w:At the Earth's Core (film)|At the Earth's Core]] === :'''Crow''': ''[upon seeing a stream locomotive]'' I wonder if [[w:Shining Time Station|the conductor]] is [[w:Ringo Starr|Ringo Starr]] or [[w:George Carlin|George Carlin]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as David and Dr. Abner explore the strange landscape]'' :'''Dr. Abner Perry''': What an extraordinary sky! :'''David Innes''': What a strange color, Doc. :'''Dr. Abner''': This cannot be the Rhondda Valley. :'''Jonah''': I think it's Tim Burton's backyard. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Abner and David flee from a monster, which is an obvious greenscreen] '' :'''Servo''': We're being charged by a giant monster... movie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Abner''': ''[about a Rhamphorhynchus]'' My goodness, how enormous. Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow! :'''Crow''': ''[offended]'' Ah, that's it. I'm leaving. :''[Jonah pulls him back into his seat]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Being a chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga''':It is the God-given right of every American woman to become a North Korean dictator on her wedding day! == Season 12: The Gauntlet == === [[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]] === :'''Kinga''': From now on, we're dumbing things down. :'''Max''': Yeah. Once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart with our invention exchange, a new pharmaceutical we call, Algernon! :'''Jonah''': I don't know. Anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry can't be very safe. :'''Kinga''': Relax, ex-fiancé! No one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff our drug ''could'' do to you in the advertisement. ''Algernon...'' :'''Synthia''': Hi, I'm Synthia. As a clone I lacked basic intelligence, but that changed when I started taking Algernon. :'''Kinga''': ''Algernon... '' :'''Synthia''': Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on ''the'' market. :'''Max''': Grow your brain with Algernon, dumbasses! :'''Kinga''': ''[speaking rapidly]'' Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship, and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor. Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting. :'''Max''': ''[rapidly speaking]'' Algernon should not be ingested even in jest. For more warnings, see our ad in ''Golf Magazine''. :'''Synthia''': Algernon made me so smart, I realized it was dangerous, and I should stop taking it. :'''Kinga, Max, and Synthia''': ''Algernon!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as security surrounds the building]'' :'''Servo''': Don't worry, if we just put some flashing lights on it, nobody'll notice it's your mom's station wagon. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mac is blown onto the highway and struck by a vehicle]'' :'''Crow''': So now our lovable hero is getting hit by a car. Gotcha. <hr width=50%/> :''[as three of the aliens travel naked and struggling through the desert]'' :'''Jonah''': The [[w:Blue Man Group|Blue Man Group]] as you've never seen them before: brown! :'''Servo [as one of the aliens]''': ''[coughing]'' No, go on and do the movie without me, please... :'''Crow''': They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys! :'''Jonah''': This is like if humanity had evolved from ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': Hey, how's it going? :'''Debbie''': ''[wearing stereotypical Native American apparel]'' Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits. :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': They say this is very insensitive. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric investigates the running shower]'' :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill. :'''Crow [as Eric]''': Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver! :''[Eric pulls aside the shower curtain, revealing nothing]'' :'''Jonah''': Somebody killed [[w:Janet Leigh|Janet Leigh]]! :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from ''[[w:Howard the Duck (film)|Howard the Duck]]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric opens the front door after Mac reveals himself]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Raven|Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door?]] :''[Eric opens the door and no one is there]'' :'''Jonah''': Huh, [[Edgar Allan Poe|darkness there, and nothing more.]] :'''Crow''': Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop. <hr width=50%/> :''[A garbage can rattles]'' :'''Crow''': Remember: When you throw away your [[w:Tickle Me Elmo|Tickle Me Elmo]], you've ''got'' to remove the batteries. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric's wheelchair starts to rush down a hill toward a cliff]'' :'''Crow [as Eric]''': [[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace|Now ''this'' is podracing]]! :'''Debbie''': Eric! :'''Servo''': Chickabee! Tay in the wind! :''[Eric tries to brake, but his brake breaks off]'' :'''Jonah [as Eric]''': Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies! :''[Eric flies off the cliff, screaming into a lake below]'' :'''Crow''': You know, they went through three Erics making this. :''[Mac watches Eric splash into the water confused]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Great. Now I'm gonna get blamed for this too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before. Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl... :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's ''[[E.T.]]'' :'''Crow''': No, that's not it. You know, they find an alien, he loves junk food— :'''Jonah''': Yeah no, it's from ''E.T.'' :'''Crow''': No, but the alien is separated from its family and just wants to call home— :'''Jonah''': You're thinking of ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': No, but then the alien helps the kid fly— :'''Jonah''': ''E.T.''!!! :'''Crow''': Let me finish! —during a summer camp boxing match. :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''[[w:Meatballs Part II|Meatballs II]]''. :'''Crow''': Now ''that's'' it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as an agent] ''': Tell my wife I died chasing a little boy in a wheelchair! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': ''[wearing sunglasses]'' Eric! :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? :'''Mike''': Get ready! :''[the sunglasses are suddenly back on Mike's face]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac is riding piggyback on Mike]'' :'''Crow''': ''[imitating [[w:Yoda|Yoda]]]'' [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], 30 years from now, overly possessive fanboys, upset with [[w:Star Wars: The Last Jedi|your character arc]] will be. Hmm, yes. <hr width=50%/> :''[the MACs have wandered into the grocery store, and the mother has knocked over a pile of canned soda]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Jenga! :'''Store Associate''': Hey, what do you think you're doing?! :'''Crow [as a MAC]''' Uh, uh, uhhh... :''[the father MAC walks in front of the associate, holding a watermelon]'' :'''Jonah [as the father MAC]''': I gotta find the John, where do I put this? :''[the associate looks at him, bottom to top]'' :'''Servo [as the father MAC]''': Did you just check me out??? :'''Crow and Jonah [as two bystanders]''': Did he just check him out??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Now this is what ''E.T.'' was missing. A shootout in a grocery store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Oh, I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all the same, and really, isn't that— ''[the police begin opening fire on the aliens, starting a massive firefight]'' Whoa, okay. Tha— I mean like— oh! NO! NOO! NO STOP! NO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL THE SAME! :'''Servo''': What? ''[the cars all explode, causing a massive explosion of the gas store]'' :'''Jonah''': NOOO!!! :'''Crow''': What the hell??? :'''Servo''': Holy gizmos! :'''Jonah''': ''[freaking out]'' NO, WHAT THE F— COME ON!!! This didn't happen in ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': [[Apocalypse Now|I love the smell of napalm in the morning]]! :'''Jonah''': ''[stressed]'' It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end and everything's gonna be okay... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': He looks like [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]] with his face torn off. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': That's neither the church ''nor'' the steeple. <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac blows a bubblegum bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Wanna see my spleen? It's pretty cool. :''[Eric pops the bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Ahh! I need that to live! === [[w:Atlantic Rim (film)|Atlantic Rim]] === :'''Crow''' Atlantic Rim? Could you be more [[w:Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Admiral Hadley''': Pretty big step for a radar glitch. Do you have anymore information you wanna tell me? :'''Gypsy''': [[w:The Sixth Sense|Bruce Willis was dead the whole time]], sir. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': Damn, what time is it? :'''Crow''': Time is a social construct, SIR! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Adams''': Who would take down an oil rig? :'''Crow''': [[w:Robert Mueller|Robert Mueller]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything? :'''Crow''': ''[as Stone]'' Uh, ''[[w:Lincoln in the Bardo|Lincoln in the Bardo]]''. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Admiral Hadley]'' ''Cash on Cash'' by [[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]. :'''Servo''': ''[as Dr. Margaret Adams]'' [[w:Danielle Steel|Danielle Steel]]. :'''Crow''': ''[as Lt. Wexler]'' I'm into podcasts. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red battles a giant monster]'' :'''Red''': This thing's all over my ass, man! He's gonna tear me up! :'''Crow''': Excuse me? :'''Lt. Jim''': Hey, send someone in there, he's getting killed down there! :''[as the camera shows different characters]'' :'''Servo [as Hadley]''': That thing's all over him. :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Tearing him up. :'''Jonah [as Wexler]''' Especially his ass. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red is being put in the brig]'' :'''Red''': Easy! :'''Crow''': Yeezy? Kanye? I don't know what to call him anymore! Tell me what to call Kanye, please! :'''Servo [as Red]''': Oh, I think I found a way out. I'm gonna get outta here- ''[door is locked]'' Aww man... :'''Red''': Yo, there's people dying! :'''Jonah [as Red]''': And it's actually Beren''stain'' Bears! ''Not Bernstein!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[in a scene with two bomber pilots]'' :'''Jonah''': I kinda just figured we'd get matching helmets, didn't you? :'''Servo''': [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]]??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': That day, eight brave soldiers evacuated Manhattan by word of mouth alone. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as Geise]''': He's gonna hear about this! "@US Navy; my Admiral says 'cappish' instead of 'capiche'. LOL, eyepatch emoji," tweet. :'''Geise''': It's me. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Ya boy. :'''Geise''': We're not getting no play here. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': It's a total sausage fest. :'''Geise''': The Admiral is going to lose New York one way or another. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': He's already misplaced Orlando. :'''Geise''': I think it's time we implement... :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Pause for effect. :'''Geise''': ... the Trojan Horse. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Bum, bum, bum! :'''Geise''': Yes sir. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': I love you. Uh- wai- Why is he always hanging up right when I'm about to say it? <hr width=50%/> :''[as the bots attack the monster]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, lets look at this from the monster's point of view. He's out of his element, an endangered species, probably just looking for food and suddenly, some robots attack him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if anything, he's a poor huddled mass just yearning to breath free. :'''Servo''': We should be welcoming this new sea monster American, and the unique skills he brings with him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah :''[At this point, the monster accidentally destroys the Statue of Liberty, causing Jonah and the bots to freak out]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, hell no! :'''Jonah''': Kill that monster! ''[in chorus with Servo and Crow]'' USA! USA! USA! <hr width=50%/> :''[the monster has been defeated by Red, and everyone is celebrating]'' :'''Servo''': So now they go out for a well deserved night of celebration. :'''Crow''': Which ends with Red once again, in the brig. This time for urinating on the dog of a visiting diplomat. :'''Jonah''': Until another monster emerges for him to battle. :'''Servo''': Which he does, leading to another victory, and another night of drinking. :'''Crow''': And he's back in the brig. :'''Jonah''': And the cycle of Red's life continues. :''[camera pans to the burning remains of the giant robot]'' :'''Servo''': And the movie ends as it began... as a garbage fire. === [[w:Lords of the Deep|Lords of the Deep]] === :'''Stanley''': You're not exactly fired, Barbara. I mean- there is a difference between being fired and being replaced. :'''Crow''': Just ask [[w:Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Submarine shakes violently, with alarms going off]'' :'''Crow''': That's why you always go into the theater when you have Movie Sign. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[as someone dresses into a yellow wetsuit]'' Can't believe I have to dress like a Minion for this stupid kid's birthday party. I went to Juilliard! <hr width=50%/> :''[a yellow submarine rests on the seafloor]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[imitating John Lennon]'' Told you we shouldn't have let Ringo drive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Well, at least he died doing what he loved; yelling at fish. <hr width=50%/> :''[about a shot behind a grate]'' :'''Servo''': You know, Jonah, this shot is not ''grate''. :'''Jonah''': Thanks, Tom. I know you're just ''venting''. You wanna try one, Crow? :'''Crow''': No thanks, I don't think puns are funny. Yet the way they're constructed makes you feel like they should be. :'''Jonah''': I hear ya. :... :''[later, on a shot of a sink]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I got it! Let that ''sink'' in. Yeah, I'm a pun guy! I like myself, and I'm saying puns! <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of Claire seemingly gazing down on the three silhouettes]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, she's looking right at us! :'''Crow''': Yeah! You're freaking us out, lady! Stop it! :'''Servo''': And look at how she's behaving, like ''we're'' the jerks. :'''Jonah''': Yeah! :''[she begins to back away]'' :'''Servo''': No, you back off! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': More like Amelia ''Water''heart! Get it? I'm puntastic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chadwick''': It's like if you... blew 'em apart... :'''Crow''': You know, like, ba-boom? :'''Chadwick''': All those little pieces, in time, would come back together again... :''[Chadwick locks his fingers together]'' :'''Jonah''': Here's the church, here's the steeple... :'''Chadwick''' ''[Locking his fingers together tighter]'': And form one being. :'''Jonah''' Open the doors, Lords of the Deeple. === [[w:The Day Time Ended|The Day Time Ended]] === :'''Jenny''': ''[suddenly appearing in the shot]'' Bye Daddy! :'''Jonah [as Richard]''': Whoops, were you there the whole time, baby? :'''Richard''': You be a good girl for Mommy now, okay? :'''Jenny''': I will, Daddy. :'''Richard''': Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Crow''': Bargain-bin Mark Hammill's gotta get his make out on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': ''[coming downstairs]'' Hey, Dad. :'''Servo, Jonah, and Crow''': [[w:Cheers|Norm]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Richard''': ''[on the phone]'' Well how long do you think it would take to fix it? :'''Jonah''': A half-hour, sir. It's just a pizza. :'''Richard''' Okay, I'll call back in an hour or so. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': No no- what toppings do you need on the- ''[Richard hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Grant''': What is it? :'''Ana''': The mirror. :'''Grant''': Well, what about it? :'''Ana''': It was broken. :'''Crow [as Grant]''': Damn bikers must have fixed it! <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is left running as Jenny goes to the bathroom]'' :'''Crow''': Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to wait here while she goes tinkle? What's the point? Why? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as Ana]''': ''[as the alien reveals itself to Ana]'' Ugh, gotta stop mixing steak milk and NyQuil... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jenny''': Mommy, I don't wanna go. I like it here. :'''Beth''': Shh, honey, don't talk now... :'''Servo [as Beth]''': Or ever. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Grant enters a smoke-filled basement]'' :'''Jonah [as Grant]''': Boy, are you steaming hams down here again? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a small alien appears in the parents' bedroom]'' :'''Jonah''' [as Mr. Hankey]: Well, ''howdy-ho!'' === [[w:Killer Fish|Killer Fish]] === :'''Max''': ''[pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven]'' Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg? :'''Kinga''': ''[very annoyed]'' ... Flush them the movie! :'''Max''': No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would ''blow'' their minds. :'''Kinga''': ...... No. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fisher''': ''[as officers inspect their boat]'' I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week. :'''Officer''': But this time, it's different. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': You can say that again. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': This time we got the jackpot. :'''Crow [as Fisher]''': We caught us a money shark! Check it out! :'''Fisher''': ''[holding up a catch of fish]'' Eh? :'''Servo''': ''Finding Nemo'' my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family! <hr width=50%/> :'''Luis''': You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive. :'''Jonah [as Luis]''': He's a miracle! :'''Cavello''': But he looks pretty healthy. :'''Luis''': Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's ''extremely'' efficacious. ''[snickers]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kate''': ''[as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate]'' Ah ah ah, ''much'' too heavy for a man in your delicate condition. :'''Jonah''': Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the obese Ollie is pulled into the pool by Robert Lasky]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed! :'''Jonah''': It's especially humiliating because he had ''so much'' dignity in the first place. :'''Ollie''': I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling. :'''Crow [as Ollie]''': Curse this final form! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Will I see many sea anemones? No no, there are no sea anemones to see. But though I don't see baracuda or a school of ahi tuna, I'll still rip off ''Jaws'' one and two and three! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ollie''': ''[during a photoshoot]'' Well, what do you think? :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''[flashing the okay sign]'' It stinks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gabrielle''': Where have you two been? :'''Kate''': In the shower. :'''Jonah [as Gabrielle]''': Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm? :'''Lasky''': ''[playing backgammon]'' I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves. :'''Servo''': Lathering, rinsing, repeating... :'''Paul''': Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage. :'''Lasky''': Maybe I should take a lesson from you. :'''Crow''': In the shower? :'''Gabrielle''': Here, you two play. Go ahead. :'''Jonah''': In the ''shower?'' Tom, you take the next one. :'''Paul''': No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off. :'''Servo''': In the ''SHOWER???'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as a very cheap looking tornado breaks the dam causing a flood]'' :'''Growler [as a tour guide]''': If you look out the left side of the tram, you'll see a twister from the movie ''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''. And there's the flash flood section of the backlot. You might recognize it from ''[[w:Three Amigos|The Three Amigos]]'', and ''[[w:The China Syndrome|The China Syndrome]]''. Hopefully you're wearing your raincoats, because the dam broke. Of course, this is just the magic of special effects, courtesy of three giant pumps that can move 10,000 gallons of water in sixty seconds. This concludes our tour! Hope you enjoyed our new Killer Fish ride at Universal. <hr width=50%/> :'''M Waverly''': ''[as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas]'' Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves! :'''Jonah''': Ugh, not now, M Waverly. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters]'' Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this. :'''Servo''': Jonah, are we ''really'' doing an ''[[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' bit? It's 23 years old. :'''Crow''': We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line! :'''Jonah''': It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain. :'''Servo''': Why not just leave the fox? Is there ''any'' situation where you'd ''need'' a fox? :'''Jonah''': My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels. :'''Servo''': Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight. :'''Crow''': Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower. :'''Jonah''': Exactly. :'''Servo''': And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum. :'''Jonah''': And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they ''are'' the raft! :'''Servo''': Ohhh! :'''Jonah''': Ann and Gabrielle are the oars! :'''Crow''': Kate's hair is the sail! :'''Servo''': Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel! :'''Jonah''': Exactly! And Ollie... :''[beat]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this. :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Jonah''': Yeah that's a good point... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ollie is swarmed by piranhas]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ollie bleeds in the water]'' Hey, Kool-Aid! :'''Ann''': Take my hand, Ollie! :'''Ollie''': I can't! :'''Servo [as Ollie]''': Curse this delicious honey-barbecue flavored blood of mine! :... :''[Ollie is killed, and bloody water is all the remains]'' :'''Growler''': Who wants Kool-Aid? Did you guys do that one already? :'''Servo''': Yeah, we did. :'''Growler''': Okay, I'll be right over here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lasky''': You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft? :'''Paul''': ''[chuckling]'' That's all we've got. Let's try it. :'''Gabrielle''': Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you? :''[an explosion happens]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long. :'''Growler''': Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna? :'''Jonah''': No, but thanks, Growler. :'''Growler''': Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye. :'''Jonah''': What? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Lasky jumps into piranha-infested waters to catch Paul on the raft, causing the piranhas to attack him]'' :'''Growler''': My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some? :''[Jonah and the bots gag]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, you're disgusting! :'''Servo''': That's just gross! Come on. :'''Crow''': Come on Growler! :'''Growler''': Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here. <hr width=50%/> :''[as piranhas attack Lasky]'' :'''Crow [as a piranha]''': At this point, I'm just stress-eating! :'''Servo''': Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios. :'''Jonah''': Why hasn't [[w:David Blaine|David Blaine]] tried this? === [[w:Ator, the Fighting Eagle|Ator, the Fighting Eagle]] === :''[as the credit naming [[w:Miles O'Keeffe|Miles O'Keeffe]] is listed]'' :'''Servo''': Remind me again, how much Keeffe is in this movie? :'''Jonah''': Oh hush. <hr width=50%/> :'''Indun''': You will feel that you've stepped into eternity. :'''Jonah''': I stepped in ''something''. == Season 13: The Gizmoplex == === [[w:Santo en el tesoro de Drácula|Santo in the Treasure of Dracula]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': For three decades, the Forrester family experiment has resided on a number of platforms. :'''Max''': ''[[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]'', the ''[[w:SyFy|Sci-fi Channel]]'', ''[[w:Netflix|Netflix]]''... :'''Kinga''' But my family thought too small. Why subject our home-grown experiment to the hands of thankless executives... when ''we'' could be the thankless executives??? Introducing, the Kinga-dome! Our premiere theater- :'''Max''': Connected to the Gizmoplex! :'''Kinga''': ... Our ''premiere theater!!!'' ... for all things ''Mystery Science Theater 3000''. A bright and shining beacon to the worst that cinema has to offer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom Servo''': This is actually my favorite ''[[w:Castlevania|Castlevania]]'' sequel. <hr width=50%/> :'''Voiceover''': ''[translating a sign]'' Dr. Cesar Sepulveda, nuclear physicist. :'''Servo''': Thursdays on Telemundo. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah Heston''' ''[about Santo's silver wrestling mask]'' It's like a Hershey Kiss in a suit. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''' Uh-oh, I think this contraption is powered by an Etch-a-Sketch. <hr width=50%/> :'''Professor Van Roth''': How strange. This mirror reflects everything. :'''Jonah''': Yes, it's a mirror. :'''Van Roth''': Except you! :'''Count Dracula''': Bastard! ''[shatters the mirror]'' :'''Servo''': Now you'll have seven years of bad suck- uh luck. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dracula flees after being revealed by Van Roth]'' :'''Jonah [as Dracula]''': You fool, I've been me the whole time! :'''Van Roth''': Mein Gott! ''[proceeds to cross his heart]'' :'''Servo''': Spectacles, testicles... testicles... testicles... <hr width=50%/> :'''Luisa''': That was an awful experience. :'''Santo''': Calm down, it's already over. Get some rest. :'''Crow T. Robot [as Luisa]''': But I've slept most of the movie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Hey, you got your Spirit Halloween store in my Ed Wood movie. :'''Servo''': No, you got your Ed Wood movie in my Spirit Halloween store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Most of wrestling is just different types of hugs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': So a booming soundtrack as the little girl walks around the house, but silence during a car chase. Okay. === [[w:Robot Wars (film)|Robot Wars]] === :''[as the opening credits lists J. Downing]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': I bet the J stands for "just please don't use my full name". <hr width=50%> :''[as a robot is shown onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, is that you??? :'''Jonah Heston''': Oh no, hey now Crow, easy. It's not. :... :''[the robot is shown again]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, you wanna have a catch? :'''Jonah''': Hey, it's not your dad, okay? :'''Crow''': Jonah, you're not my REAL dad! <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[after a model tank is destroyed]'' There goes the entire practical effect budget. <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': Rooney, you must have grown up in old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question. Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking? :'''Rooney''': You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy. :'''Servo [as Drake]''': That's buster ''bro''! <hr width=50%> :'''Rooney''': I hope he gets his balls shot off. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Battlestar Galactica (2003 series)|So say we all]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Stumpy''': You know, we're robot men, Captain. What are we doing out here in a grit and grime where people can blow our ass away? We're supposed to be indestructible! :'''Crow''': You know, like the ''Titanic'', or the seal industry, or Gamestop stocks, or Beanie Babies, or America's love for James Corden! <hr width=50%> :''[during a laser gun fight]'' :'''Crow''': So who are we rooting for? :'''Jonah''': Oh, whoever makes the kill shot that ends the movie. <hr width=50%> :'''GPC''': ''[at the sight of a building labeled "Oasis"]'' Anyway, here's "Wonderwall." <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''' : Stumpy, get out of there, you're a sitting duck! :'''Stumpy''': Just keep that override down!!! :'''Crow''': Yeah, and maximize the wiffle hoofer, and triangular the single framler and coagulate the preflamer!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': And lo, did the white people flee into the desert, soon to create Scottsdale, Arizona. === [[w:Beyond Atlantis (film)|Beyond Atlantis]] === :'''Emily Connor''': Can't believe I'm really on the dark side of the moon. :'''Max''': Well, [[w:The Dark Side of the Moon|as a matter of fact, it's all dark]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': Well, the stimulator bots have already absorbed the behavior of Jonah's bots within seconds. :'''Servo''': And your point? :'''Emily''': That's not gonna be problematic... :'''Crow''': I'll tell you what's problematic, your soul's gonna get crushed within seconds! :'''Emily''': I'm used to it, I'm on Twitter. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': My friend, [[w:Ja Rule|Ja Rule]] told me that [[w:Fyre Festival|Fyre Fest]] would be here. <hr width=50%> :''[as a woman stands on East Eddie during his massage]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, she can finally clean that fan. :'''East Eddie''': Feast your eyes on this. :'''Servo''': Anything to take our eyes off of that. :'''Logan''': That's a Tuscarora! :'''Crow''': No, that's a pearl. :'''Logan''': It's worth a thousand pesos, maybe more. Where'd you get it? :'''Emily''': From a wet scared guy. :'''East Eddie''': Can you fence it? :'''Logan''': Fence? Hell, it'll go like wildfire! These are rare, I haven't seen one in years. :'''East Eddie''': There's a lot more where that came from. :'''Servo''': I got a guy shoving sand into oysters as we speak. :'''East Eddie''': I'll supply, you deal, we'll split down the middle. :'''Crow''': Splitting it? That's almost like half! :'''Logan''': ''[shaking East Eddie's hand]'' Put 'er there, pard! :'''Emily''': You got it, 'ner! <hr width=50%> :'''Logan''': Eddie, you got money, and I'm a diver. Now all we need's a boat and some good equipment. You can pick 'em up for a song. Just give me a small advance, I can have us moving in a couple of days. :'''Emily''': Uh, is she washing him with a chicken cutlet? :'''East Eddie''': Listen, I know where you're coming from, and the idea's out of sight, but I want Vic Mathias in on this. He's an expert diver, he has his own boat, and he knows the islands like the back of his hand. :'''Logan''': It's no good, it won't work. If we bring him in, we've got to make it a three-way scene. :'''East Eddie''': So we'll split it three ways! :'''Emily [as Logan]''': Ugh, but we're a dynamic duo, not a terrific trio! :'''Logan''': No, we don't need him! :'''East Eddie''': I want him! He'll keep us honest. :'''Crow [as East Eddie]''': What are we, crooks? :'''Logan''': Eddie, believe me, I know the region better than Mathias. I lived on the islands for five years, I've covered every inch of 'em. We can do it alone! Just tell me where you found them. It's probably an island I used to live on. :''[East Eddie laughs hard]'' :'''Servo [as East Eddie]''': ''[hysterical]'' You can't live on an ''island''! It's surrounded by ''WATER''! How would you even get there??? HA HA HA!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Servo [as Logan]''': Wait a minute, how am I sitting across from me? <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': ''[when an armed guard does nothing in regards to a nearby fight]'' Really low AI on the NPCs in this game. <hr width=50%> :'''East Eddie''': I'm speaking to him in a dialect he can't refuse to understand! :'''Emily''': Esperanto. :'''East Eddie''': The truth! :'''Crow''': Is East Eddie the bad guy??? :'''East Eddie''': And you talk to me in English! :'''Servo''': That's why American tourists are beloved the world over. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': I guess we hosts have to stick together. :'''Jonah''': Actually, historically we hosts have never stuck together. Kind of a host-eat-host world. :'''Emily''': Oh really? 'Cause maybe working together you'd have been able to escape. I mean, how'd you do 20 of these experiments and never try outsmarting the Mads? I mean, I hate to use strong language but... they seem kind of dumb. :'''Jonah''': Yes, yes yes yes yes, good point! Perhaps with the proper cooperation, this forced vacation can be brought to a cessation! :'''Emily''': Huh? Why are you talking in rhymes all of a sudden? :'''Jonah''': I will tell you later why I speak in rhyme, but unfortunately now, you've got- :''[buzzer sounds]'' :'''Emily''': MOVIE SIGN! <hr width=50%> :'''Nereus''': Only hurt and destruction can come from the feelings within you. It is your destiny to mate with an outsider, not to love him. :'''Crow''': Island Tinder. <hr width=50%> :'''Vic Mathias''': ''[to Syrene]'' I don't love you. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': Okay, Syrene, play it cool. Don't let him know he's hurt you... :''[Syrene runs out of the hut]'' :'''Crow''': She really runs like a mermaid. :''[Mathias slowly exits his hut to watch her run off]'' :'''Servo [as Mathias]''': [[w: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory|Wait. Stop. Come back]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Syrene''': There is still another place. :'''Emily''': Where the watermelons grow? :'''Logan''': You've been holding out. :'''Syrene''': It's very deep. :'''Logan''': Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, right? :'''Syrene''': According to the lore of my people, the Rizion Channel has hundreds upon hundreds of pearls. :'''Crow''': Boring mythology, but okay. :'''Logan''': You've seen them? :'''Syrene''': No, but others in my village have. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': And the fish down there? ''Totally'' naked. :'''Logan''': What are we waiting for? :'''Servo [as Syrene]''': You mean, "For what are we waiting?" :'''Syrene''': It's very dangerous. :'''Logan''' You only live once. :'''Emily''': Logan invented YOLO? Take that, Drake. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': This movie is just a series of nice landscapes ruined by weird people. <hr width=50%> :''[as the villagers carry Syrene's casket boat into the ocean]'' :'''Emily''': To be fair, this movie makes me want to walk into the ocean, too. :... :'''Emily''': I don't think some of these extras were prepared for how deep this was gonna get. :'''Servo''': No one was. :'''Crow''': Ariel's burial. === [[w:Munchie|Munchie]] === :''[as Gage begins daydreaming about an awards ceremony in class]'' :'''Jonah''': Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Fracties! The night where fractions come out to shine. :'''Male Announcer''': It's my honor to read the name of the student whom you have chosen as your next student body president. ''[is given an envelope]'' Envelope please, thank you. ''[gives it to the woman next to him]'' :'''Crow [as the announcer]''': I can't read. :'''Female Announcer''': And the winner is... :'''GPC''': [[w:La La Land|La La Land]]! [[w:List of accolades received by La La Land|Oh, not again]]... :'''Female Announcer''': Gage Dobson! :''[the students cheer and applaud]'' :'''Servo [as voiceover announcer]''': This is Gage Dobson's first win after being nominated for such daydreams as ''What If I Were a Robot With a Sword For an Arm?'' and ''Naked Book Report II''. :''[as Gage accepts a trophy]'' :'''Jonah''': Okay, and cue the [[w:Carrie (1976 film)|bucket of pigs blood]]. :''[Mrs. Blaylok suddenly appears by Gage]'' :'''Crow [as Blaylok/[[w:Kanye West|Kanye West]]]''': [[w:2009 MTV Video Music Awards|I'mma let you finish...]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Blaylok''': The problem on the board, how can we arrive at a sum? :'''Jonah''': [[w:All Star (song)|BODY once told me the world is gonna Munchie]]! <hr width=50%> :'''Gage Dobson''': Do you think you'll ever get this Jeep running? :'''Professor Cruikshank''': This bucket of bolts? Of course I will! Then I'll have to think of something to do with these hands. :'''Crow''': Don't, you'll go blind! <hr width=50%> :'''Dobson''': Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight? :'''Munchie''': Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Ew. :'''Dobson''': You're gonna have to make your own bed though. :'''Munchie''': Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared. :'''Jonah''': [[w: Pontius Pilate| Pontius Pilate]] sends his regards. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Munchie sits at a computer, and the puppet clumsily types on the keyboard]'' :'''Munchie''': Okay, let's go. Let's see what kind of grades this kid's got. :'''Jonah''': He just spelled "jkfghfgl." <hr width=50%> :'''Leon Daggett''': ''[dazed]'' I... am gonna kill... you. :'''Crow [as Leon]''': Once... I deal... with this brain hem...o...rrhage. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gage punches Leon out cold into a laundry cart]'' :'''Servo [as Gage]''': Violence ''is'' the answer! :''[shot of Leon in a dazed state as the laundry cart rolls into the showers]'' :'''Jonah''': Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean... :'''Servo [as Gage]''': You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage. :''[several other classmates cheer for Gage]'' :'''Jonah''': Gage's understudies. :'''Gym Teacher''': Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk! :'''Crow [as Gym Teacher]''': You're guilty of manslaughter, bud! <hr width=50%> :'''Elliot''': This is the most important thing I've ever asked anyone in my life. :'''Crow [as Elliot]''': Can you get me out of this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Munchie''': Gage, you should never ask for anything unless you really want it. :'''Dobson''': I know. :'''Crow''': Is that what the puppet team said to the concept artist for this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Cathy''': ''[interrupting the party]'' Gaaage! :'''Servo''': [[w:Garfield|Garfield!]] :'''Jonah''': [[w: Dennis the Menace (U.S. comics|Dennis!]] :'''Crow''': [[Malcolm in the Middle|Malcolm!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks|ALLLVIIIN!!!]] <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': It's comforting to see Munchie in a body bag. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the faces of the characters show during the closing credits]'' :'''Jonah''': Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card. :'''Crow''': Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed. :'''Servo''': Professor Crookshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial. :''[as Gage is shown]'' :'''Jonah''': Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch. === [[w:Doctor Mordrid|Doctor Mordrid]] === :'''Emily''': ''[during a long panning shot of Mordrid's room during the title sequence]'' I think the camera operator might just be lost. <hr width=50%> :''[during an establishing shot of [[w:Rio de Janiro| Rio de Janiro]] and the [[w: Christ the Redeemer (statue)|Christ the Redeemer statue]]]'' :'''Crow''' For God so loved the world ''thiiis'' much. <hr width=50%> :'''Kabal''': ''[pouring out a thick liquid onto the ground]'' Beyond the barrier of heaven and earth, let it go free into a closed dwelling. May it cause it to enter. :'''Emily''': The world has never seen such evil caramel. :'''Kabal''': Primum materialis... :'''GPC 2''': Lorem ipsum! :'''Kabal''': Release this blood of the earth. May it find its place with the philosopher's stone. :'''Emily''' Now in America, that's [[w:Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone|sorcerer's stone]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Samantha Hunt''': Oh listen, I was curious about- :''[Dr. Mordrid uses his medallion to freeze time and vanish]'' :'''Servo''': Dr. Mordrid, sorcerer supreme, uses his incredible powers to escape awkward small talk. <hr width=50%> :''[Mordrid opens a chest and begins browsing through scrolls]'' :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''' Let's see, [[w:Dead Sea Scrolls|Dead Sea Scrolls]], exalted scrolls, [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]], yes! <hr width=50%> :''[Samantha tries to open Mordrid's door, only to be burned by the doorknob]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring|One does not simply walk into Mordrid's]]. <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation]'' :'''Mordrid''': I have to tell you something. :'''Emily [as Mordrid]''': I'm pregnant. :'''Mordrid''': ''Show'' you something, so that you'll comprehend the magnitude of why I cannot be held here any longer. :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''': Through the medium of dance. :'''Samantha''': Everything we say is being recorded. :'''Emily [as Samantha]''': We're live on [[w:Twitch (service)|Twitch]]. Thanks to Donkey Dan for the three month sub. <hr width=50%> :'''Adrian''': Oh look dude, the master protects me from your puny weapons! You ain't got- ''[Gaudio shoots him in the leg]'' :'''Emily [as Adrian]''': My jelly pants! :'''Adrian''': IT HURTS! :'''Gaudio''': Call him an ambulance. :'''Crow [as police officer]''': You're an ambulance, sir. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': I can't believe ''Dr. Mordrid'' was a Christmas movie the whole time! :'''Emily''': Well, okay, but it wasn't though. :'''Servo''': But there was a Christmas tree in it. :'''Emily''': Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. ''101 Dalmatians'' has a Christmas tree in it. :'''Crow''': Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, ''and'' has a Christmas tree in it? :'''Servo''': Like ''Die Hard''. :'''Emily''': Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. ''Die Hard'' came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie. :'''Servo''': How do you know when ''Die Hard'' came out? :'''Emily''': I have this discussion a lot. :'''Crow''': So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': That's right. :'''Servo''': What about ''Nightmare Before Christmas''? :'''Emily''': Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie. :'''Crow''': ''Elf''? :'''Emily''': Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption. :'''Servo''': ''It's a Wonderful Life''? :'''Emily''': While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness. :'''Servo''': So according to Newton's third law of motion, ''any'' movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': Me and Newton are on the same page there. :'''Crow''': Then ''Titanic'' is a Christmas movie! :'''Emily''': Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill. === [[w:Demon Squad|Demon Squad]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't seen you in several millenia. How's the mad biz treating you? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Oh, you know, Joel. It ebbs and flows. More of a hobby at this point. :'''Joel''': I gotcha. Really glad to hear your voice caught up with you too. That shrill nagging tone you always had was really grating on the ears. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[shrill-voiced]'' It's a hormonal disorder, you little piece of sh- :'''Kinga''': GENTLEMEN! <hr width=50%> :'''Bonsey''': Wait... who was that guy again? :'''Ardy''': I'll tell you later. Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%> :'''Daisy O'Reilly''': ...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time. :'''Nick Moon''': Those things still cost money, right? :'''Daisy''': Thing's older than I am. :'''Nick Moon''': Still works harder. :'''Crow''': Says the drunk guy. :'''Daisy''': As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I ''thought'' I was hired for. :'''Servo [as Nick Noon]''': Well I ''thought'' I needed a jaded barista. :'''Nick Moon''': We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you. :'''Daisy''': It helped that I was the only applicant. :'''Joel''': Ooh, another LinkedIn success story. <hr width=50%> :'''Nick Moon''': Now what can I do for you miss... :'''Delilah Fontaine''': Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine. :'''Nick Moon''': Miss Fontaine. :'''Delilah''': Call me Lilah. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': So, Karen... :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Leslie... :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Sandy... :'''Nick Moon''': Any relation to Charles Fontaine? :'''Delilah''': He's my father. :'''Nick Moon''': Let me stop you there. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Tony. :'''Nick Moon''': I don't do missing persons. :'''Delilah''': I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest. :'''Nick Moon''': Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check. :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Because Nick don't do math. <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room. :'''Nick Moon''': I do this for all my clients. :'''Servo [as Delilah]''': Yes, I see them under your bed. :'''Nick Moon''': Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients. :'''Crow [as Delilah]''': Oh, I get it. You're a pig! <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': What are you going to do? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': I just ate 14 dumplings. What do ''you'' think? <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation of a vampire]'' :'''Nick Moon''': What's The Stranger planning? :'''Joel''': ''Stranger Things''? :'''Vampire''': Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Hmmm... dragons. :'''Vampire''': That's all I know. Now can I go? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Sure, do you need your parking validated? <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': ''[after Nick startles her]'' I'm starting to see why you're single. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Pretty cool, huh? :'''Nick Moon''': ''[surprised]'' ... Wow. :'''Servo''': Yeah, a real, live woman. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': Pretty niiice! === [[w:Gamera vs. Jiger|Gamera vs. Jiger]] === :'''Ardy''': Gamera? I could really go for some turtle meat. <hr width=50%/> :''[during the opening credits montage]'' :'''Servo''': I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now? :'''Crow''': Has Gamera been in other movies? :'''Jonah''': Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. ''[[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Gyaos|Gamera vs. Gyaos]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]]'', ''[[w:The Bridges of Madison County (film)|Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County]]'', and ''[[w:Kramer vs. Kramer|Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer]]''. :'''Crow''': Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer. :'''Jonah''': Oh, totally. :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's what I like about him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiroshi''': ''[about a miniature submarine]'' Will it really dive, or is this model a toy? :'''Hiroshi's Father''': No, it's a real miniature submarine. But the trouble is, it's too real, and goes too far down. :'''Servo [as Hiroshi's Father]:''' Like my serotonin. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Gamera is like the original fidget spinner. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jiger shoots Gamera with darts]'' :'''Crow''': Jiger's all like, "Why don't we put a pin in this?" :''[Jiger charges Gamera and rams him]'' :'''Jonah''': [[w:Pokemon|Jiger uses dash! It's super effective]]! <hr width=50%/> :''[a ship's doctor takes a drink of liquor]'' :'''Servo''': Second opinion from Dr. Jim Bean. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the statue is unloaded]'' :'''Hiroshi''': They'll unload it. :'''Susan''': ''[in a heavy hard to understand accent]'' These men should teach you a lesson. They're not afraid if some old curse gets them. :'''Crow''': If anyone needs subtitles in this movie, it's ''her''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Let's call this monster [[w:Axl Rose|Axl Rose]], because he's got an [[w: Appetite for Destruction|appetite for destruction]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is wounded and beaten by Jiger, and Gamera slowly retreats]'' :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' It's not just my arm that is bleeding / It's part of my neck meat as well / But it's mainly my ego that's bleeding / Why must I come out of my shell? :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, everyone knows me as Gamera / The turtle the kids all adore / But if I get stabbed by a Jiger / Will they even like me anymore? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' For the love of the children is fickle / You have it, then it disappears / They'll love you, and leave you tomorrow / As soon as the city smoke disappears. :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' You'd say Gamera, sure he's got everything / The power, flight, looks, and fame / Then into town swims Kaiju come lately / They don't even remember my name. :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's the friend of all children / Of that, the whole world can agree / Oh Gamera's friends with the children / But who gives their friendship to me? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, I've been singing a long time / I'm a ham with a long way to go / Because after all, I'm a turtle / And turtles do everything slow. :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' And turtles do everything slooow... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy navigate the miniature submarine through Gamera's lungs]'' :'''Jonah''': This is the most stressful game of Operation ever played. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy venture out into Gamera's lung]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Pure Imagination|Come with me, and you'll see, a world of turtle respiration! Steal your dad's submarine, and attempt resuscitation.]] :'''Hiroshi''': Tommy, I think this is it over here. Dr. Matsui, there's a small hole in his side. :'''Dr. Matsui''': A hole? Be very careful. :'''Servo''': [[#Eegah|Watch out for snakes]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays and Gamera flies off with Jiger's dead body]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera take the body home! Gonna eat the flesh from bone! Keto diet Gamera! :'''Crow''': Oh weird, they're being trailed by cans and a banner that says "Just married". :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's a movie that has no end in sight! No going home! This is now your life! === The Batwoman === :''[as the Batwoman rides a horse through a Mexican village to a jazz melody]'' :'''Emily''': Wow, Gotham got hit hard by the recession. :'''Crow''': Spaghetti westerns only wish they were Sultry Jazz Westerns. <hr width=50%/> :''[as reporters crowd Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Batwoman, when will you release your tax returns? :'''Servo''': Batwoman, what's your position on pants? :'''Crow''': Is it true the [[w:Zack Snyder's Justice League|Snyder Cut]] of ''Batwoman'' has 25% more spearfishing? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Eric Williams''': You're about to witness the discovery of the century! :'''Servo [as Williams]''': Stock footage! :'''Dr. Williams''': From the depths of the ocean, over 400 million years ago, surfaced the beginnings of the human race! :'''Emily''': Is this a Scientology pitch? :'''Dr. Williams''': And it all began with the first vertebrate, the fish! Starting from that point, we will make the regress into the dawn of evolution. :'''Crow''': Oh, edibles are hitting. :'''Dr. Williams''': And we will create a new being with the likeness of our ancestors: a human amphibious hybrid! ''[laughs maniacally]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, now I hate when comedians laugh at their own jokes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Well, Danny Elfman lost his job to an alarm clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Henchman''': ''[bringing Batwoman to Dr. Williams]'' Boss, look who we found! Get in here! :''[Batwoman begins to fight the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Pow! :'''Servo''': Biff! :''[Dr. Williams grabs a scalpel and moves for Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Grab! :'''Crow''': Lunge! :''[Batwoman grabs a beaker of acid and throws it in Dr. Williams' face]'' :'''Servo''': Acid! <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''Batwoman'', the movie that dares to say, "We rented an underwater camera, and we're going to get every last peso out of it!" <hr width=50%/> :''[a car pulls out as a drum set plays the start of some upbeat music]'' :'''Servo''': I do ''not'' like the sound of that transmission. <hr width=50%/> :''[during a car chase scene involving henchmen and Batwoman]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the chase music]'' Baaatwoman swerves. Baaatwoman drives. With Baaatwoman nerve, Baaatwoman jives! :'''Emily''': See, this is why you've got to have a dashcam. :''[Batwoman honks her horn at the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, yeah. Honk your horn. That'll show 'em. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Batwoman swims through a school of fish]'' :'''Emily''': I'm pretty sure she was in [[w:The Aquabats|the Aquabats]]. :'''Servo''': Well, she's in [[w:Phish|Phish]] now. :'''Crow''': Clearly. <hr width=50%/> :''[Batwoman is chased into an underwater patch of kelp]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Help! (song)|Kelp! I need somebody...]] :'''Emily''': Please no. Please no. :'''Servo''': [[w:With a Little Help from My Friends|I get by with a little kelp from my friends...]] :'''Crow''': No no no, you really shouldn't. :'''Servo''': Sorry. I can't kelp myself. :'''Crow and Emily''': Uuugh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Williams''': It'll be interesting to see if a woman can survive this kind of surgery and restore her pineal fluids without dying. Up to date, no man has been able to, but maybe the female gender is actually the most adequate to carry out this experiment for biological reasons. :'''Mario''': You're insane, doctor! :'''Dr. Williams''': You may be right, but as a matter of fact, there's an invisible line separating insanity and genius! :'''Servo''': The [[w:Kanye West|Kanye]] line. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :'''Bonsey''': Oh, this one sounds familiar. :'''Ardy''': Shhhh... <hr width=50%/> :''[a bridge explodes as a funeral parade passes over it]'' :'''Crow''': It's a boy! :'''Jonah''': Yay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as spy]''': ''[as a female spy takes off her sunglasses and looks into the camera]'' Hello viewer, there were five mistakes in that scene. Can ''you'' name them all? <hr width=50%/> :'''Medika''': ''[being wheeled away by a group of women]'' Mr. West! :'''Nick West''': Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow [as a nurse]''': But we have to surgery. :''[Nick runs to the group of women as they turn to him with medical tools]'' :'''Jonah [as a nurse]''': Feet in the stirrups, come on buddy. :'''Nick West''': Look ladies. My blue cross is all paid up. :''[a nun sneaks behind him and incapacitates him]'' :'''Servo [as nun]''': Sorry, but this is out of network. :'''Jonah [as nun]''': And then there were nun! ''[the nun slowly looks into the camera with an evil smile]'' Ha. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as Sir Anthony]'' Well old chaps, let's go over this bally mission one last time, what what? :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': ''[dressed as Medika]'' It's simple. HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP from the USA in his BMW to the HMV near the BBC with his DB at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT. :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': Greenwich Mean Time! :'''Servo''': Jolly good, and I've arranged for the VP of HMV to arrive in a GMC supplied by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV tuned to HGTV with a soundtrack by the Bee Gees. :'''Jonah''': Huh?! :'''Crow''': Pay attention! This all has to go like clockwork! :'''Servo''': Yes yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI... :'''Jonah''': Oh, I know that one! For your information. :'''Crow''': Don't be ridiculous! That's Federal Yellowdress Informant. She'll meet the BMW at the UN with the USMC, BTO, CCR, and UB40 while you ROTFL on AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL. :'''Jonah''': Talk to you later. :'''Crow''': Correct! :'''Jonah''': Ah! Then why'd you- oh you... :'''Servo''': Precisely. Oklahoma University. So you see, the MC5 will approach the NSA VIP with their new CD on the QT, in the MI5 BMW at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO, BTW, LOL, BRB. ABC NBC CBS AMC TNT CMA GMO ASPCA UCLA YMCA ICUP, OK? :'''Crow''': Yeah, what do you say to that? :'''Jonah''': Uh, OWGMS. :'''Crow and Servo''': Huh? :''[movie sign sounds]'' :'''Jonah''' Oh, we got movie sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[Sumuru is handed a gun]'' :'''Nick West''': What's that thing? :'''Servo [as Sumuru]''': It's for mommy's headaches. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Frankie Avalon's hair comes courtesy of Build-A-Bear Workshop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sumuru''': Erno, are his clothes packed? :'''Erno''': Yes, my lady. :'''Nick West''': Oh dear, I hope you were careful with that blue suit. It creases so. :'''Crow [as Sumuru]''': Burn the suit. :'''Sumuru''': And take care of his bill. :'''Nick West''': Yes, I wouldn't like to have an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience. :'''Sumuru''': Keep joking, Mr. West. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Sumuru''': You will be finished with jokes before the night is out. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Us too. :'''Nick West''': I was beginning to run out of material anyway. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Agreed. <hr width=50%/> :''[Helga undresses behind a curtain as a shirtless Tommy Carter sits with his back to it]'' :'''Crow [as Frankie Avalon]''': I don't get it. Why aren't I making out right now? I'm Frankie Avalon! Is the universe playing a joke on me? :... :''[Helga comes out from behind the curtain, wrapped in a towel]'' :'''Crow''': Sham-wow! :'''Tommy Carter''': Well, what'd you have in mind? :'''Helga''': Well, to prove to you I have no concealed weapons... ''[reveals herself to Tommy Carter, who smiles]'' :'''Servo [as Frankie Avalon]''': It's about damn time. I'm Frankie Avalon! :''[Tommy Carter drops his pistol]'' :'''Jonah''': Bang! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Sumuru whips Nick West in a dungeon]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, if there are any kids watching, it's past your bedtimes. === [[w:H. G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come|H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come]] === :''[a robot presses a big red "cancel" button]'' :'''Emily''': Meanwhile, at ''Netflix''... <hr width=50%/> :''[shot of a computer screen giving various readings]'' :'''Servo [as an officer]''': It's called Twitter. It's gonna be ''great'' for the discourse. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. John Caball dons a silver radiation suit]'' :'''Servo''': Chernobyl for a prom theme. What were they thinking? :'''Crow [as Dr. Caball]''': Alright, you're gonna wanna cook me at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes, you'll know when I'm done when a fork easily pierces my skin. Load me up with butter and don't skimp on the chives. I'm a potato. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Caball gazes out into space]'' :'''Dr. Caball''': Well, we're on our way. Out there is the vastness of space... the unknown... :'''Crow''': [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|It's only a model.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Kim Smedley''': Funny, I still think of myself as an Earth child. :'''Servo''': Emily, do you still think of yourself as an Earth child? :'''Emily''': Oh, I don't know. Ask me after I've been here for seven years. :'''Crow''': Uh, no human has ever lived here that long. Just ask the other guys. :'''Emily''': Wait, what? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sparks''': ''[to Jason Caball]'' Let me lead the way. :'''Emily''': Aw, that's sweet. Would you guys ever escort me into a dangerous unknown situation? :'''Servo''': Uh, I'd walk with you so I could better criticize your choices. :'''Crow''': I'd let you walk in front of me so you could shield me from the worst of the shrapnel. :'''Servo''': And I'd definitely film the whole thing for [[w:WorldStarHipHop|WorldStarHipHop]]. :'''Crow and Servo''': WorldStar! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emily''': Hey, what would you call an almost perfect ripoff of the [[w:USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)|USS ''Enterprise'']]? :'''Servo''': The USS Compromise. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Omus tortures Dr. Caball with high pitched sound, causing him to scream and spasm]'' :'''Emily''': You know, I do the same thing when I can't get [[w:Baby Shark|"Baby Shark"]] out of my head either. === [[w:The Mask (1961 film)|The Mask]] === :'''Max''': Good evening, Jonah. Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills, chills, and since I'm making soup, very likely spills. :'''Kinga''': Max, I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly to clear away those cobwebs! The Gizmoplex looks like the inside of Charles Addams' coffin. :'''Max''': I just thought, because it's Halloween and all- :'''Kinga''': You thought you'd be lazier than usual? Clean it up! :'''Max''': Fine, but if the Great Pumpkin doesn't show up, I'm blaming you. :'''Kinga''': Uh, there is no Great Pumpkin. Haven't you ever seen the end of [[w:It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown|the special]]? :'''Max''': I never get that far, because it's too scary! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Warner Brothers logo appears]'' :'''Jonah''': Warner Brothers? Are we in the right theater? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Moran''': I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': And goofy ghosts. :'''Jim Moran''': ''[beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask]'' But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask... :'''Crow''': The [[w:Misfits (band)|Misfits]] logo! :'''Jim Moran''': ... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': Or a Klondike bar. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Allan Barnes''': Exactly what is this mask? :'''Michael Radin''': ''[under duress]'' The mask is to blame. You're just not aware of its power. :'''GPC [as Michael]''': It's toxic mask-ulinity. <hr width=50%/> :''[dramatic chord as Michael commits suicide offscreen, and a Chinese themed bobblehead shakes its head]'' :'''Jonah''': For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist. :'''Crow [as bobblehead]''': Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye... :''[Mrs. Kelly knocks on the door]'' :'''Servo [as Mrs. Kelly]''': Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? ''[Mrs. Kelly opens the door]'' Michael where are- oh! ''[Mrs. Kelly screams in horror]'' :''[a shot of Michael's body under a cover, his hands in a rigid form]'' :'''Jonah''': He died doing what he loved: jazz hands. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Barnes puts the mask on, and enters a hellish demonic trance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf song)|You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!]] :'''Crow''': Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum? :''[shot of a skull with its eyes]'' :'''Servo''': Ack ack! Ack ack ack! :''[the skull dissolves leaving only the eyes, which zoom forward past the screen repeatedly]'' :'''Jonah''': Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust. :'''Crow [as Pam]''': Like Jake, from Statefarm. :'''Dr. Barnes''': Trust? There's no one I can trust. :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': Not even Flo from Progressive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': This movie is like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, seen through the migraine-inducing idea of 3D glasses. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Barnes takes off the mask]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask. :'''Servo''': Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks. :'''Jonah''': Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits. :'''Crow''': Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan? :''[Dr. Barnes covers his ears and leans against a bookshelf]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Barnes]''': I can't hear you! I'm a book now! :'''Pam Albright''': The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Snickers|There's a hunger inside you...]] :'''Pam Albright''': And when you put it on again, what will it be like? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Won't go away... :'''Pam Albright''': Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body? :'''Crow''': It's grease lightning! :'''Pam Albright''': Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?! :'''Dr. Barnes''': Shut up, SHUT UP! :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': You're killing me with this Word Jazz! :'''Pam Albright''': Tell me I'm not right. :'''Jonah [as Hank Hill]''': [[w:King of the Hill|That Pam ain't right.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': ''[on the phone]'' Police department, please. :'''Servo [as Pam]''': Yes, I'm white. === [[w:The Bubble (1966 film)|The Bubble]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment today, Joel, may possibly be one of the worst films we've ever presented. Sorry, not sorry. :'''Joel''': Hey, how bad could it be? I had to riff ''Manos''. :'''Kinga''': Ardy? :'''Ardy''': Oh, this movie's upsetting on a profound existential level. I'd advise you to put a disclaimer on it ASAP if you're still intending to use it as part of the experiment. :'''Kinga''': So on a scale from ''Mitchell'' to ''Monsters-a-Go-Go'', where would you say this lands? :'''Ardy''': Ah, well let me put it this way. We built the whole Kingachrome system around ''Manos: The Hands of Fate'' and even that didn't have the effect this movie's having on our facility. This may just be the wolf mother of all bad movies. :'''Kinga''': You think you're so smart, Robinson. "I had to watch ''Manos''. Da da da da da-" HA! Face the cinematic claustrophobia that is ''The Bubble''. FLUSH THEM THE MOVIEEEEE! :'''Ardy''': Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Catherine enters labor]'' :'''Mark''': I don't know what to do. :'''Catherine''': You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache. :'''Joel''': Is it? :'''Catherine''': Oh God, this one's king-sized! :'''Mark''': Honey, I'm sorry. :'''Crow''': It's too late for that. :'''Catherine''': What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator. :'''Mark''': Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': According to Craigslist. :'''Catherine''': Better be a hell of an obstetrician. :'''Mark''': No... just hold it in, please? :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': This opening sequence is a clickbait article just waiting to happen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Catherine''': By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric? :'''Mark''': Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': What?! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tony and Mark drive through the mysterious town]'' :'''Mark''': Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot. :'''Tony''': That's it! A movie lot, big deal. :'''Mark''': Yeah, of course. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': That explains everything. :'''Mark''': The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts... :'''Servo [as Mark]''': This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better. :'''Mark''': But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony. :'''Tony''': Friend, all I want is the exit. :'''Joel [as Tony]''': One of these warp pipes should get us out of here. :... :'''Tony''': Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane. :'''Servo''': All I want's the end credits. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time. :'''Crow''': Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective. :'''Joel''': That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble''." :'''Servo''': But, we are watching Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble'', and that's pretty bad. :'''Joel''': Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mark''': Look, isn't it about time? :'''Servo''': Uh-oh... :'''Mark''': That you face reality? :'''Joel''': Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom. :'''Catherine''': Reality? What reality? :'''Crow''': You're soaking in it. :'''Catherine''': That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo. :'''Servo''': You make it sound so metal. :'''Catherine''': I'd rather be in that nightmare. :'''Joel''': This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married. :'''Mark''': In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year? :'''Catherine''': But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of- :'''Mark''': Since when haven't I been under an eye? :'''Catherine''': As a child. :'''Mark''': As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Then came army school. :'''Mark''': When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore. :'''Servo''': The end! :'''Mark''': Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place? :'''Crow [as Catherine]''': Dull. :'''Mark''': The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate. :'''Joel''': And entertainment. :'''Mark''': Yeah, even the bomb. :'''Crow''': Whoa, that's heavy. :'''Catherine''': They're walking dead! :'''Mark''': Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': We're chill. :'''Mark''': We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security. :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Thanks to ADT. :'''Mark''': Well what's wrong with that? :'''Catherine''': I... I look up there... and I think to myself... :'''Crow [as Louis Armstrong]''': [[w: What a Wonderful World|What a bubbleful world!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mark walks along the bubble barrier in a daze]'' :'''Servo''': This is what I imagine it feels like to work for Amazon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! ''THE BUBBLE'' IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo and Joel''': Wonder what he wanted. === [[w:The Christmas Dragon|The Christmas Dragon]] === :'''Bonsey''': God help us, everyone. :'''Ardy''': Movie in the ho-ho-hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[Gazared and Boomtall approach Ayden's parents]'' :'''Gazared''': Taxes. :'''Ayden's Mother''': Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us? :'''Gazared''': Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading? :'''Ayden's Father''': I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself. :'''Gazared''': I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him! :''[thugs draw swords and approach]'' :'''Crow [as a thug]''': Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers! :''[Ayden's Father punches a thug, starting a brief fight]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Wonderful Christmastime|Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!]] :'''Ayden''': ''[comes out of hiding]'' No! :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': File an extension! :'''Ayden's Father''': ''[stops the fight]'' Alright! Alright. Enough. :'''Emily [as Gazared]''': Really? You were winning. :'''Ayden's Father''': I'll get the money. :'''Crow [as Ayden's Father]''': We can Airbnb our hut. :'''Ayden's Father''': Just don't hurt her. :'''Gazared''': I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! ''[the struggle resumes]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas. :'''GPC 2''': Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire? :'''Servo''': And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fin''': Where's Garrett? :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. ''[sobs]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Rand baits a hook and tosses it in the river]'' :'''Ayden''': Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it. :'''Joel [as Ayden]''': But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water. :'''Hoyt''': What do you think you're going to catch? :'''Servo''': Lyme disease. <hr width=50%/> :''[a river monster rams and topples the boat and its occupants]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! :'''Crow''': Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Drinking age, 21. Life expectancy, 16. So unfair. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik beckons for the orphans to keep quiet as they approach a dragon]'' :'''Servo [as Arik/Elmer Fudd]''': Be vewy vewy qwuiet. We don't have a permit to film here. Huhuhuh. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ayden befriends the dragon]'' :'''Servo''': It's the look of Spielbergian awe you can only get by staring lovingly at a tennis ball taped to a stick on a Toronto sound stage. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ayden''': ''[to the dragon]'' Stay off that wing. :'''Jonah [as the dragon]''': ''[the dragon nods]'' Alright, ''mom''. :'''Ayden''': Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest. :'''Crow [as Ayden]''': And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here. :'''Saerwen''': Don't worry... :'''Servo [as Saerwen]''': I left money for pizza. :'''Saerwen''': You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another. :'''Jonah''': Thanks to social media. :''[Arik approaches them]'' :'''Crow''': Third wheel alert. :'''Ayden''': We're going north. Catch up with us when you can. :'''Servo [as the dragon]''': I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik and Saerwen kiss]'' :'''Jonah [as Arik]''': Come on, let's give these kids something to talk to their therapist about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the dragon is hooked to Father Christmas' sleigh]'' :'''Emily''': Oh man, guys look, they ''sleighed'' the dragon. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's neat. :'''Jonah''': Oh, come on, Emily... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Father Christmas, the dragon, and the orphans dive at Gazared and her thugs]'' :'''Jonah [as Ayden]''': The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL! :''[Gazared and the thugs jump into a river]'' :'''Emily [as Father Christmas]''': Eat tinsel, bastards! :'''Joel [as Father Christmas]''': Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight! :'''Jonah, Emily, and Joel''': Ho ho ho! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': It feels like we're moving! :'''Emily''': Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song! :'''Jonah''': Which one? There's like 12. :'''Joel''': Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's. == Gizmoplex Short of the Month == === Pipeline to the Clouds === === Let's Make a Meal in 20 Minutes! === === Court Case === :'''Narrator''': Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing. :'''Crow''': I thought it was a [[w:Ring of Fire (song)|burning ring]]. :'''Narrator''': And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this... :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Little shorts. :'''Narrator''': The tennis ball. :'''Crow''': Scientific name: Tennius Ballias. :'''Narrator''': It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world. :'''Servo''': Palm Springs? :'''Narrator''': Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light. :'''Emily''': Like my marriage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ... so how does a ball get that way? :'''Emily''': Practice. :'''Narrator''': How does such utter reliability come to be? When so many are produced, how can each one be so perfect? :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or so white? :'''Narrator''': The answer comes from machines... :'''Servo and Crow''': Yaaay! :'''Narrator''': ... and people. :'''Servo and Crow''': Booo... :'''Emily''': Oh... :'''Narrator''': ... and a name. ''[the camera focuses on the [[w:Penn Racquet Sports|Penn]] brand]'' A big one. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Penn! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The Phoenix facility with 100,000 plus square feet under roof is one of four such plants. :'''Emily''': Wow. :'''Narrator''': Each all dedicated to one thing... :'''Emily''': Balls! :'''Narrator''': Making the best tennis balls possible, as perfect as can be. Millions of them. :'''Servo''': Millions of balls! :'''Narrator''': The other plants are in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and in Mullingar, Ireland. :'''Crow''': ''[Irish accent]'' Ah sure, we like to hit balls back and forth with racquets in Ireland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Constant checking assures, guarantees, absolute tolerances. Everything must be perfect. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Our nation's security depends on it. :'''Narrator''': Pellets, each identical, are placed in a mold. Many at a time. The mold closes, leaving an exact time and preset temperature to do the job. :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Another Brick in the Wall|Just another brick in the wall]]... :'''Narrator''': Minutes later, vastly changed, the former pellets emerge as sort of a blanket, ready for dye cutting to separate the perfect half spheres. :'''Crow''': I'm learning a lot. :'''Narrator''': Variations in wall thickness, weight, and overall dimensions are infinitesimal. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Then we add the honey barbecue sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Another mold, different from the first, handles the second of the three cures. Some on the top, some on the bottom. :'''Servo''': Like a waffle. :'''Narrator''': These molds are pressurized, which enables them to trap air inside the ball centers. That's how the bounce gets in. :'''Emily''': Like [[w:Tigger|Tigger]]. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Narrator''': Approximately one atmosphere, or about 15 pounds per square inch. Again, time, temperature, and pressure do the work. The seam vulcanizes perfectly. :'''Servo''': This is a lot of work for something your dog will chew on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At this stage, the balls are checked for size. Sizing is visual, electronic, and mechanical. A three-way proposition. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Uhhh... :'''Narrator''': Oversized, and undersized centers are screened and separated to find use as simple play balls, or other activities. ''Not'' tennis. :'''Emily''': I never realized how much tennis has in common with eugenics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Next, in drums, the balls are tumbled. :'''Emily''': [[w:I'll Tumble 4 Ya|I'll tumble for ya]]... :'''Narrator''': Steam is introduced. Mold marks dissappear. The flat nap is raised and fluffed. :'''Servo''': Now he's just making up words. :'''Crow''': Yeah, right? :'''Narrator''': A lineup for printing, which adds something important. The name. Penn. :'''Crow''': James Penn. :'''Narrator''': A final check, and the balls are inserted in the distinctive can. Penn. Known wherever tennis is played. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Like at Wimbledon or at Pfifer Middle School where you skinned your knee so badly you quit the team, remember, you LITTLE WHINER?! :'''Narrator''': The can, by the way, has a patented snap-off top designed to prevent cut fingers. :''[a handler runs their fingers along the can's edge]'' :'''Emily''': Ow! Ow ow ow... :'''Narrator''': It was introduced by Penn. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': An employee named Penn, who has four fingers now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a machine rapidly squeezes a tennis ball]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, you two shouldn't be watching this. This is... :''[the camera zooms out to reveal multiple balls getting squeezed in the same way, causing the bots to laugh mischievously]'' :'''Servo''': This is great... it's a free-for-all... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emily''': When you think balls, think Penn. :'''Crow''': Balls! === Sleep for Health === :'''Servo''': ''[as the title is shown]'' I prefer the second film in the series: ''Sleep for Revenge''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A new baby is an exciting addition to the family... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': But to keep the balance, someone must go. :'''Martha''': He's always asleep. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's what he ''wants'' you to think. :'''Martha''': When's he ever gonna be any fun? :'''David''': All he ever does is eat and sleep. :'''Servo [as David]''': And watch "Meet the Press." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everybody has habits. ''[a father is shown reading a newspaper with a stern expression]'' Dad likes to read his newspaper every evening in this same chair. :'''Servo [as the father]''': [[w:Garfield|A cat that eats lasagna?!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Getting ready for bed at a regular time is one of the most important habits you can learn. A quiet hour or two before bedtime is part of this habit. It makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, ready for bed. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Easy pickings for an apex predator. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Some people go right to sleep, others take longer. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': David eases himself to sleep by counting his sins. :'''Crow [as David]''': 239... 240... ah, 241... that was a good one. <hr width=50%/> :''[David is seen flying a plane in a dream that sputters and dies in midair without falling]'' :'''Crow''': You know, if you die in a dream, you die in real life. :'''Joel [as David]''': ''[while David pulls out a big wrench and works on the propeller]'' No! Not like this, not today! I'm only nine! I never even finished that chapter I mentioned earlier! :''[the airplane revs up again]'' :'''Servo''': Eh, still more reliable than flying with [[w:Spirit Airlines|Spirit Airlines]]. :'''Narrator''': Dreams don't seem to make much sense, do they? :'''Crow''': Nope! :'''Narrator''': ''[as David is seen sleeping again]'' That's because the brain is resting along with the body... :'''Joel [as David]''': 432, 433- oh, I did 433 twice. Gotta start over. 1, 2... <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The alarm hasn't rung yet. David finds that he usually wakes up before it goes off. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which is why you should always get up a full 30 minutes before you awaken. :'''Narrator''': You're never at your best until at least an hour or two afterwards. That's one reason why getting up early is so important. :'''Crow''': Uhhhh... didn't this family used to have a baby? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There's plenty of time for breakfast, too. Breakfast is an important meal that shouldn't be missed. If you usually go to bed early enough, you usually wake up early, too. You can start the day in a pleasant, unhurried way. It's more fun for you that way and more fun for the rest of the family, too. David and Martha enjoy their mornings. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': It's the last daylight they'll see before descending into the mines. :'''Joel''': ''[David and Martha leave the table]'' "Well, gotta run, mom and dad, but this has been pleasant and unhurried." :'''Crow''': Seriously though! This film started with a baby! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film ends]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, I'm really worried. What happened to the baby?! === The Wonder of Reproduction === :'''Pearl''': It's another one for Emily, and it's called "The Wonder of Reproduction," and as the mother of a mad scientist, I can wholeheartedly tell you it's no wonder that I never did that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the title is revealed]'' :'''Crow''': Finally! We get to learn how to forge money. :''[Title card reads "From the Wonder World Series".]'' :'''Emily''': Anyway, here's, uh, Wonderworld. [[w:Wonderwall (song)|Today was gonna be the day that we're gonna reproduce with you...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary''': Man, oh man, would you look at this one? She sure is beautiful... :'''Crow [as Gary]''': But she doesn't even know I exist! :'''Bob''': Well, this she happens to be a ''he.'' :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Idiot. :'''Bob''': You're looking at the male [[w: Siamese fighting fish|betta splenden]], and he is one of the most beautiful fish you'll probably ever see. As you look closely... :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Just look at that muddy brown. :'''Bob''': ... almost every color of the rainbow, sparkling in his sleek body, and flowing fins as he swims... :'''Crow''': Bob's biting his knuckle right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Strange as it may seem, in the family of betta splendens, it's the father who cares for the babies, and raises a family. :'''Servo''': A real Mr. Mom. :'''Girl''': Father? What does the mother fish do? :'''Crow [as Bob]''': She drinks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': The father betta will go up to the surface and breathe in a mouthful of air. Then he will swim to the place that he's chosen to build his nest. Now this is usually by a plant, or on the underside of a floating leaf. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Hopefully by a sport's bar. :'''Bob''': Then he will blow out the bubbles of air, which is coated with very special saliva from his mouth. :'''Servo''': When ''he'' does it, he's a good dad, but when I do it, I'm asked to leave the [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as a fish]''': As I sat in the hole, I couldn't help but wonder. Was this all there was to life under the sea? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Now, the Creator has given most wild creatures a strong instinct to protect their young, and mother [[w:Egyptian mouthbrooder|mouthbrooder]] performs this task in such a remarkable way. :'''Crow''': Magic! :'''Bob''': Even though she has scooped up all of the eggs into her very large mouth, she will not swallow them. She keeps them in her mouth until they hatch into baby fish. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': And will remind those children of her sacrifice for years to come. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the three children leave to go catch minnows]'' :'''Bob''': Have fun! :'''Crow''': 'Cause the [[w:Vietnam War|Vietnam War]] is right around the corner! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Uncle Bob will return in ''The Wonders of Snake Digestion''! === Cavalcade === :'''Narrator''': This twisted tornado-wracked pile of stem was a microwave radio relay tower... :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Narrator]''': Now, it's garbage. :'''Narrator''': A link in our nation's complex telephone network. Minutes after the tower was felled by a tornado, service was restored by switching calls to alternate routes of the network, but a temporary tower must be erected, and quickly. :'''Pearl''': Before it kills again. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a tower is getting constructed]'' :'''Pearl''': Gentlemen, this is going to be a wild game of Mousetrap. <hr width=50%/> :'''Technician''': ''[adjusting a signal]'' Take it to the left. :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': [[w:Cha Cha Slide|Take it back now, y'all.]] :'''Technician''': Left. Left a little more. :'''Pearl [as Technician]''': My- ''My'' left! :'''Technician''': Easy... Whoa! He's right on frequency! :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Technician]''': I'm gonna take this energy home and satisfy my wife for a change. :'''Narrator''': Television programs, telephone calls, and data are going through. This one was for practice... :'''Pearl''': And gosh darn was it fun! :'''Narrator''': ... for crews like this, the big task is keeping the nation's communications flowing. :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as another worker]''': Wait, this was ''practice?'' Jeff died today! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Why the upsurge of interest in the heavens? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Because hell is full. <hr width=50%/> :''[at the title card, "The Paradox of Lead"]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': If it's so dangerous, why does it taste so good? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The very idea of lead in glass seems contradictory. Nonetheless, this goblet of lead crystal was made in England by George Ravenscroft back in the year 1675. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': He died in 1676. :'''Narrator''': Lead glass today protects against penetrating X-rays. :'''Pearl''': And that pervert, Superman. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this picturesque countryside, farming is the leading occupation. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': Number two is murder. === Balance Beam for Girls === === Bicycling Visual Skills === :''[as Mr. Mathis and a group of student drivers exit a car]'' :'''Emily [as Mr. Mathis]''': Just act casual, and remember, if anyone asks, we hit a deer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Say, I have a new film on safe driving skills that I'm gonna look at in the morning. Would any of you like to look at it? Can you meet me back here at nine o'clock? :'''Karen''': Sure! :'''Mike''': Okay. :'''Mr. Mathis''': Alright. See you in the driver's education room. :'''Ted''': See you later! :'''Karen''': Bye! :'''Servo [as a kid]''': Let's hurry home! [[w:The Purge (2013 film)|The purge]] starts tonight! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Mike runs a stop sign on his bike]'' :'''Ted''': I've got something to tell you that you'll probably see in the film tomorrow, but I think you need to know it now. :'''Servo [as Ted]''': Meryl's still got it. :'''Ted''': Every time you come to a stop sign, you should always use the slow down, or stop hand signal. And then you should look being you to make sure that no cars are coming. Then look to the left, and always when it's a three-way intersection, look straight ahead to the right, to the left again, and then once it's clear, you can... :'''Emily [as Ted]''': Then [[w:Konami Code|up up, down down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start]], and you'll have unlimited bikes! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Karen, could you get the lights for me? :'''Crow [as Karen]''': Get a clapper, old man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': All vehicle drivers need good visual habits to drive skillfully. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Having eyes in general is a plus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everything you can see at one thing is called your field of view. :'''Crow''': Learning! :''[the camera pans to the left, losing focus on the road, and looking at a building with an ITW sign]'' :'''Narrator''': Look what happens to your field of view when you turn your head. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': You can see International Towel World. :'''Narrator''': Every time you switch your line of sight, your entire field of view changes. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Scientists call this, "looking." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Check ahead in the intersection for traffic. Check to the left, and to the right... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Then [[w:Cha Cha Slide|cha cha slide]]. :'''Narrator''': Then put your hand back on the handlebar, and check behind again to make sure it's clear before you turn. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Repeat this process 27 times, then turn the stove on and off 44 times so you ''know'' your mom won't die. <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Baseball Player''': Who do you think's gonna pitch today? I hope it's not McCalvey! :''[as the young baseball player on his bike runs a stop sign, a car honks, resulting in a freeze frame on the boy's surprised face]'' :'''Servo [as the kid]''': Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here... :''[the next scene shows the player on a street in bandages, about to be put on a stretcher]'' :'''Crow''': Final line, McCalvey went eight innings, gave up two runs on six hits, four walks, and one ceremonial pitch. :'''Emily''': He died how he played baseball: trouble with the curve. :... :'''Servo''': ''[as the ambulance takes the boy away]'' And the moral of the story is, baseball isn't worth it. :'''Paramedic''': Alright, let's move back out of the street. :'''Crow [as paramedic]''': Alright, move along so we can finish this Larry Byrd photo shoot for Pontiac. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Search the ground for changing road surfaces. Your bicycle reacts differently to each one. Loose gravel is slippery. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And pairs well with Merlot. :'''Narrator''': Bricks are bumpy. :'''Emily''': These are the weirdest affirmations. :'''Narrator''': Adjust your speed to each surface to keep your bicycle under control. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Unlike that hot Irish temper of yours, Kellen. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the short begins to roll credits to happy music]'' :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w: Don't You Forget About Me (song)|Don't you... forget about me...]] ''[she [[w:The Breakfast Club|raises a fist]] in the air]'' :'''Crow''': I remember [[w:Jules and Jim|Jules et Jim]] being longer. :'''Emily''': Yeah, Beverly J. Ruff was definitely not three dogs in a trench coat. :'''Servo''': Ironically, I had to unfriend John L. Friend. :'''Crow''': Richard B Long, Jeffrey B. Light, and I be done with this movie. === The Bicycle Driver === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Synthia''': Oh, in the ''Driver'' trilogy, this falls between ''[[w:Baby Driver|Baby]]'' and ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl [as adult driver]''': ''[as a group of kids leave a Driver's Education vehicle]'' Okay, this time you kids buy beer for ''me''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': I've been asked to introduce this film, because I really am the advisor to a junior high bike club, and I really do teach traffic safety education full-time. :'''Mega-Synthia''': Prove it! :'''Driver''': So I see the safety education problem from both viewpoints. :'''Synthia [as the driver]''': I'm conflicted. :'''Driver''': Bicycles and autos can safely share the same road... :'''Pearl [as driver]''': This bloody century long war must end! :'''Driver''': ... must know and follow the same rules of the road, accept the same driving responsibility, and respect each other's rights. That's what this film is all about. :'''Mega-Synthia [as driver]''': That, and corn shucking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police officer pulls over a bicycle driver]'' :'''Synthia''': Uh, we got a local yokel smokey in hot-pursuit of a hooligan, hot-doggin' it in Calhoun County. :'''Police Officer''': May I see your operator's license today, sir? :'''Bicycle Driver''': License? Since when do I have to have a license to drive a bicycle? :'''Police Officer''': Well it's not required that you have an operator's license, but I do need some form of identification. :'''Mega-Synthia [as bicyclist]''': My grandkids drew this, and wrote pop-pop on it. Does that work? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a mother and her son shop at a bike store]'' :'''Mother''': Jim, can you guarantee me you're not gonna ride this bike at night? :'''Pearl [as Jim]''': I can't even guarantee you I won't sell this for cigarettes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jim sits on numerous bicycles]'' :'''Synthia''': On your birthday, you get to [[w:teabagging|teabag]] every bike in the shop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Hey Jim, what are you doing? :'''Jim''': Oh, I'm just going over my hand signals. :'''Synthia''' You'll go blind! <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': During a left turn at rush hour, he takes to the sidewalk, riding if it's legal, pushing if it's not. :'''Pearl''': Ditching it if it cramps his style. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a group of bicyclists ride past a herd of cattle]'' :'''Synthia [as a cow]''': I think one of those bike seats is my brother. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': Jim, our new member is going to recite, what are the rules of the road? :'''Synthia [as Jim]''': Kill, or be killed. :'''Jim''': To maintain a safe and orderly flow of traffic on our roads. :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Why should you follow the rules of the road? :'''Jim''': Because if I don't, I can't expect anybody else to. :'''Driver''': Oh, you mean we ''always'' follow the rules of the road? :'''Bicyclists''': We try, but it isn't easy! :'''Pearl, Synthia, and Mega-Synthia''': And when it's too hard, we give up! === Let's Keep Food Safe to Eat === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Servo''': Yes, keep guns away from food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': While Steve washes his hands, Cathy will get the silverware. Oops! She dropped a spoon. :'''Servo''': Oops! She's fired. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as the family gathers around the breakfast table]'' Now, Steve is ready for breakfast, and father too. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Back from his other family. :'''Narrator''': Father is also careful about the food he eats. The sausage looks good... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': But the eggs look worse. :'''Narrator''': ''[as the father takes a bite of the sausage, but grimaces]'' But it doesn't taste right. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And Cathy's missing three fingers! :'''Narrator''': So, he won't eat anymore of the sausage, it may be spoiled. :'''Crow''': Right, Cathy? :'''Narrator''': Often we can tell if foods are good to eat by smelling or tasting them. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or simply by asking them. :'''Narrator''': You should never eat food if you're not sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Mother]''': Cathy, did you wash your fingers ''before'' we cooked them? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Washing dishes also helps us keep our food fresh and clean. To find out why, let's do an experiment with some leftover food on a plate. What do you suppose will happen if the food is not washed off? :'''Servo''': It will get tattoos, and listen to punk music. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The best way to get dirt and germs off your hands is to wash and scrub them well. :'''Crow''': Preferably, 'til bloody. :'''Narrator''': Use lots of soap, and get in between the fingers, on the back of the hands, and on the wrists too. Get them clean all over. :'''Servo''': Where have those wrists been? :'''Emily''': You don't wanna know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a covered sliced cake is shown]'' :'''Servo''': It's quarantined [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]! :''[a knife starts to cut another slice of the cake]'' :'''Emily''': No, Pac-Man! ''[Imitates the Pac-Man death sound]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Using straws sealed in paper wrappers helps to keep dirt and germs out of milk. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': Plus, it'll kill all four turtles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sally has a sandwich from yesterday. :'''Servo [as Sally]''': See? No funny business. :'''Narrator''': Cathy would love it, but if it's been out of the refrigerator for so long, it may be spoiled. ''[Cathy declines the sandwich]'' That's right, Cathy. Don't eat things if you don't know for sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Say no to leftovers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Suppose you drop a cookie on the floor. :'''Servo''': Five second rule? :'''Narrator''': Things that are dropped, you know, should be washed before eating, but how can you wash a cookie? :'''Emily''': That's what spit's for! :'''Narrator''': Well, he'll just have to throw it out. :'''Crow''': And burn the evidence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Alright everyone, smoke 'em of you got 'em. In the next film, we cover tick bites. === [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B. Natural]] (2023) === :'''Max''' Ugh, Mr. B Natural. There's no way out, Kinga! We can't control when the movies begin or end! :'''Kinga''': Uh, well... j- just sit down. Maybe it won't be so bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Phil Patton's directing credit is shown]'' :'''Kinga''': Phil Patton, you magnificent bastard, I read your book! :'''Max''': I just love the name Patton. So strong and... and viral! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Mr. B Natural, at your service. The spirit of music, that's me! The spirit of fun in music. And I've been around an awful long time. Knew your father, I did. And your grandmother. And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam. :'''Kinga''': She's the devil? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Why, you should know me. The spirit of music's inside all of you. In you... :'''Max''': Peaches. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... :'''Kinga''': Herb... :'''Mr. B Natural''': In all of you! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Where your soul used to be! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': I usually hang around on this music staff, but when I get a message for help, I go off to appear before people! Especially young people, when I think I can do 'em some good. :'''Max''': Uh oh, hold on... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jeanie''': Honest, these records are the greatest. :'''Kinga [as Jeanie]''': What's [[w:N.W.A.|N.W.A.]] mean? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural appears out of Buzz Turner's locker]'' :'''Max''': You can't be within a thousand feet of a school, Mr. B Natural! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz Turner''': Mr. B what? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Natural! Shouldn't be surprised, boy. Whether you know it, or not, you sent for me. When you reached for that music over there to make you feel better, I got your message. You awakened me! :'''Max''': Damn! :'''Buzz Turner''': You mean you've been hiding here in my room all that time, and I never even noticed? :'''Mr. B Natural''': No boy, I don't mean that! I mean, you awaken the spirit of music inside you! That's me! Your spirit of music! That's my name, boy! B Natural! :'''Kinga''': This is so complicated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Look here, I've been visiting an eight-year-old friend of mine who woke me up recently. :'''Kinga''': Huh? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Talked him into playing the French horn, I did. You should hear him! ''[imitates a French horn and laughs]'' :'''Max''': Oh, watch your back, [[w: Reggie Watts|Reggie Watts]]. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Because he wanted to. He wanted the fun of it. That's why he can play that piece so easy! Wait 'til he grows up and finds out how hard it is. ''[laughs]'' :'''Kinga [as Mr. B Natural]''': Ha ha ha, then he'll die! :'''Mr. B Natural''': It's because he's young. He's not afraid. :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': He's foolish! Hee hee hee ha ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural does a "dignified" march to a French horn tune]'' :'''Kinga''': Nothing sparks self esteem like a North Korean military march. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You like music? :'''Buzz Turner''': Sure sounds like fun, and I'd like to have some of it too! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Yeah, first taste is free, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': Years of know-how make the best instrument. If that craftsman stops spinning that sousaphone bell for a second... :'''Kinga [as salesman]''': He receives an electric shock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': The best instruments are uniform. Every one is exactly like every other of the same kind. :'''Max [as salesman]''': Like white people in the suburbs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz receives his trumpet]'' :'''Max [as Buzz]''': I'm gonna join [[w:Reel Big Fish|Reel Big Fish]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz takes a trumpet solo at the dance]'' :'''Kinga''': Hey [[w: Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy]], it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Gillespie? [[w: Back to the Future (film)|You know that new sound you been looking for? Well listen to this!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural flashes the okay sign]'' :'''Kinga and Max''': It stinks! === Better Breakfasts, U.S.A. === :'''Narrator''': Every television show begins with a title. Often, it's a card on an easel. :'''Emily''': Whoa! Don't give away all the secrets! :'''Narrator''': ... in the studio well before airtime, and each area is set up for the camera so that the program can proceed smoothly. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ''[shot five cards on screen]'' They are beige to show off on your glorious color TV. :'''Narrator''': ... in this table of grain samples, since our Better Breakfast story begins with cereal grains. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And ends with malt liquor. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Today's wide variety of ready to eat and hot breakfast cereals is made from these great grains. :'''Emily''': I mean, they're fine... :'''Narrator''': Barley... :'''Servo''': ''Barely.'' :'''Narrator''': Corn... :'''Crow''': Which is better on the cob. :'''Narrator''': Oats... :'''Emily''': Worthless without [[w:Hall & Oates|Hall]]. :'''Narrator''': Rice... :'''Servo''': The pigeon exploder. :'''Narrator''': And wheat, or combinations of them. :'''Crow''': Call me when you got sorghum. :'''Narrator''': The United States Department of Agriculture says cereal breakfast products are an important food use of the grains we grow. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': And it's ''not'' a conflict of interest at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There are many different kinds of wheat... :'''Crow''': Corn wheat, barley wheat, rice wheat... :'''Narrator''': And it is raised in a wide area. :'''Emily''': Eat too much wheat, and you'll ''have'' a wide area. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Cereals are flaked... :'''Emily''': Folded... :'''Narrator''': Granulated... :'''Servo''': Spindled... :'''Narrator''': Puffed... :'''Crow''': Mutilated... :'''Narrator''': Shredded... :'''Emily''': Humiliated... :'''Narrator''': And rolled. :'''Servo''': And thrown away! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Whole grain, enriched or restored breakfast cereals are included in one of the four main food groups recommended by government nutrition experts in a daily food guide. :'''Servo''': Government can't tell me not to eat batteries! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Well, that's our health and nutrition television program, ''Better Breakfasts, USA''. :'''Crow''': It was immediately canceled. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': No Black History Month, but they learned about grain. === Doing Things for Ourselves in School === == Specials == === Mystery Science Theater Hour Host Segments === ==== Cave Dwellers ==== ==== Gamera ==== ==== Pod People ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, often people stop me on the street and they ask, "What's it really like? This world of Deep 13?" Well, rather than go on and on, taking advantage of my privileged position as confidant to these two enigmatic dilettantes, I ask simply in return, "Have you seen ''Pod People''?" And now you'll be able to say "Yes, I have seen ''Pod People''." From plotting, to characterization, to cinematography, not to mention the unbelievable use of fog and syntho-rock, this is what you can expect from Deep 13 and the Mystery Science Theater Hour. Enjoy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''Pod People'' was made right on the heels of that enchanting blockbuster, ''[[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T.]]'', which grossed over half a billion dollars worldwide. ''Pod People'' didn't do nearly as well, in fact it didn't even do nearly as well as ''[[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]]''. Oh well. ==== Time of the Apes ==== ==== Daddy-O ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Today's movie is called ''Daddy-O'', a real gem, starring singer [[w:Dick Contino|Dick Contino]], who is still packing them in in Las Vegas. As aged as this film is, it still looks surprisingly "hip" or "modern" — a strong testament to the care that went into every frame. I'm afraid some of the hipper lingo is lost on these aging ears, but no matter. I'm betting Crow, Servo, Gypsy, and Joel can take the heat of ''Daddy-O''. So turn it all the way up to eleven, and let's rock this mother! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, I can't help but admit a certain fondness for the swinging happy days. It takes me back my tattered leather jacket and pompadour. I eagerly and frequently traded knuckle sandwiches with the best minds of my generation. I, too, howled. ''Awoo!'' ==== The Amazing Colossal Man ==== ==== Fugitive Alien ==== ==== It Conquered the World ==== ==== Gamera vs. Guiron ==== ==== Earth vs. the Spider ==== ==== Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent ==== ==== War of the Colossal Beast ==== ==== The Unearthly ==== ==== Santa Claus Conquers the Martians ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Christmas depresses millions, but I must admit, I sky during the holidays, and when I see some slump-shouldered gloomy-gus walking forlornly through the festooned mall area of my home town, I wanna shake him and shout, "Suck it up! What have you got to be sorry for?!" ... but I resist. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Did you know the delightful "Hooray for Santa Claus" theme song was released as a single? And that ''Santa Claus Conquers'' was also released as a [[w:Dell Comics|Dell comic book]]? Well, as those charming stand-up comedians say, "Give me more of that!" ==== Space Travelers ==== ==== The Giant Gila Monster ==== ==== Teenagers from Outer Space ==== ==== Hercules Unchained ==== ==== Hercules Against the Moon Men ==== ==== The Magic Sword ==== ==== Tormented ==== ==== The Beatniks ==== ==== Crash of Moons ==== ==== Attack of the the Eye Creatures ==== ==== The Human Duplicators ==== ==== The Day the Earth Froze ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[holding a fairytale book]'' Hello, dear friends. I was just reading a delightful Swedish fairytale based, oddly enough on the supergroup, [[w:ABBA|ABBA]]. Hmm... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Welcome back, dear viewers, to the conclusion of ''The Day the Earth Froze'' on the Mystery Science Theater Hour. I can't wait to get started, but first let's take a look at what happened in part one. The beautiful ornithologist Annikki is wooed by Übermensch Lemminkäinen, ace log rider. Meanwhile, the evil witch of the mountain kidnapped Annikki to coerce Annikki's brother into making a Sampo, a coveted, yet delightfully vague prize. Annikki's brother and Lemminkäinen rush to rescue the maiden. I can't wait to get started, I confess, I'm rather taken by that ''fetching'' Swedish hotcake of a witch. ''[laughs]'' Part two of ''The Day the Earth Froze''. ''Grrr!'' ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[imitating Torgo]'' "The Master is always here." "The Master will not like it." ''[laughs]'' Boy, that Master's got a lot to learn about the hospitality business, doesn't he? I mean that is a ''weird'' hotel! By the by, manos is actually Spanish for "hands," so today's film is Hands: the Hands of Fate. Isn't that sneaky? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': I hate to say it, but there was one thing about this movie that to me, didn't make much sense. That father seemed like an intelligent fellow, but ''my gosh'' he did a terrible job planning that vacation! One hard lesson I've learned is that you've got to plan every step of every day, and that only goes double when you're traveling! It just makes my skin crawl to see a vacation ruined by bad planning! So if you can, join us next time on the Mystery Science Theater Hour, but ''please'' be careful. ==== Secret Agent Super Dragon ==== ==== The Magic Voyage of Sinbad ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Now I must warn you, the Sinbad in today's film is not quite the swarthy adventurer of yore, he resembles my Uncle Phil — A slim whiskery fellow who manages a tobacco store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[juggling and wearing a clown headdress]'' Bonswa, dear friends. I, too, dreamed of the circus as an escape from my stifling home life. I still grow nostalgic at the smell of grease paint, and elephant hair, and... oh I do so long to punch a clown. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey, regarding the catfish we saw nuzzling Poseidon, isn't the catfish a freshwater creature? By the way, if you're looking for a great catfish bait, take a big gob of liver sausage and mix it all up with a couple of dozen of those big juicy nightcrawlers. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. ==== I Accuse My Parents ==== === Turkey Day '91 === :'''Crow''': Hi, you're watching Turkey Day, here on Comedy Central. Turkey fact number 12: if you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll drown. Stupid jerks. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester watches the Thanksgiving Day Parade]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, yeah, right. :'''TV's Frank''': So, how's the parade going? What did I miss? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen. :'''TV's Frank''': Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes it is. ''[pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion]'' Die, boy, die! :'''TV's Frank''': [[w:Hindenburg disaster|Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!!]] ''[sobbing]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching ''E.T.'' Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called ''Pod People.'' :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner. :'''Jack Perkins''': If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from [[w:Dylan Thomas|Dylan Thomas's]] enchanting work titled ''[[w:A Child's Christmas in Wales|A Child's Christmas in Wales]].'' :'''TV's Frank''': Ooh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. ''[everyone else leaves the room]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'', or ''E.T.: the Extraterrestrial'', make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[drunk and wandering over to the camera]'' Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- ''[Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod]'' AAAGH! :'''TV's Frank''': Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, get rid of him, or I will. <hr width=50%/> :'''TV's Frank''': So, how'd the experiment go? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Fine, Frank. Just fine. :'''TV's Frank''': You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[sighs]'' It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I just don't know, I don't know what I did! :'''TV's Frank''': Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. ''[offers an apple]'' Want some? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[slaps the apple away]'' I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! ''Daddy-O''! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! ''Daddy-O''! <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Forrester sits downtrodden after the marathon concludes]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Come on, Papa, eat. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right? :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you. :'''TV's Frank''': Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Start running, Frank. :'''TV's Frank''': Yes sir. === Turkey Day '92 === :'''Crow''': If you're taping, this is a good time to pause! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Beats the hell out of mincemeat, don't it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': It's the "Lost Continent" on Turkey Day Marathon here at Comedy Central. It's getting late, you may want a blanket and a nice cup of cocoa. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Now might be a good time to check on your mom. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. You know, cleaning up isn't just a girl's job! === The Dead Talk Back/Comedy Central Broadcast's Zombie Nightmare Promo === :'''Gypsy''': I've been asked my colleagues Crow. T Robot, Tom Servo, and Mike to let you know that this week on Mystery Science Theater 300 at 7:00 PM at Comedy Central on Saturday, our movie will be "Zombie Nightmare". That's 7 PM on Comedy Central this Saturday. === Turkey Day '95 === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, greetings, you unfortunate total losers. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, it's Thanksgiving, and once again, I shall soon be ruling the world. As you cling to one another, weeping in desperation, you may ask, "Why now? Why me?" Because my mother's coming over in a few hours, and I'd like to be ruling the world by the time she gets here. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh no! Mother! She's early! Oh, what do I do?! I'm not ruling the world! ''[answers the door]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Hello, and warm Thanksgivings greetings, Dr. Clayton Forrester. :'''Dr. Forrester''': PERKINS?! What the hell are you doing here, you pedantic, leathery old-?! :'''Jack Perkins''': Now Clay, come, I come bearing an invitation from Television's own Frank, done in a tasteful, yet not too formal bookman old style font on a ''crisp'' and ''elegant'' eggshell- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Would you just give me this?! ''[takes the invitation away]'' "Please join Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank... THANKSGIVING DINNER?!" '''FRAAAAAAAANK!!!!!''' ''[begins sobbing]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, this is going to be fun. Say, I brought a tangy Mexican three-layer dip. I hope there's enough for everyone. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Everyone? There's more??? Oh, son of a- Perkins, my mother will be here in just a few hours. I don't even know what I have in the kitchen. Maybe some Ramen noodles... :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, that'll never do for Mother Forrester, let alone the rest of the guests. I'll tell you what let's do. Why don't you nip to the store with this list, prepared for me by [[w:Burt Wolf|Burt Wolf]], just about the ''finest'' shopping list I've ever seen, and I'll stay here and take care of things here. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh huh, good, good. I'll just nip down to [[w:Piggly Wiggly|Piggly Wiggly]], and get the stuff on the- oh be a dear, Jack and send them the movie? :'''Jack Perkins''': Why of course. ''[Dr. Forrester runs off]'' Hello, and welcome to the first movie in this our Turkey Day marathon. This one is a fun hunk of cinematic sludge that I like to think of as one of the finest-''[Forrester runs back and gives him a card to read from before running off again]'' Thank you. "You brainless monkeys, I will make you bow down before me. One day, you will all be before me prostrate, quaking, naked and frayed, and I... will show you the meaning of loss. ''[laughs]'' So that I might quickly dominate you, this year I've selected a fast-acting episode from the first year of my experiment, ''The Crawling Hand''- Ahhh! Enjoy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[with an armful of groceries]'' Perkins! Jack? They didn't have those shiitake mushrooms, so I got canned mushrooms, and I didn't know what that basmati rice was, so I got Uncle Ben. ''[Mr. B Natural suddenly appears]'' Ah! Who are you what are you doing here what do you want with me?! :'''Mr. B Natural''': I'm Mr. B Natural, and I embody the spirit of music in you and you! Knew your father, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Is it money you want? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, I see you got Frank's invitation! :'''Mr. B Natural''': Brought a Mexican three-layer dip, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, look you two, I am really trying to rule the world before my mother gets here so if you could just- oh just make yourself at home. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Well that will make me feel like a happy king! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh boy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, hello again, America, and welcome to the third installment of my MST marathon. By the end of the day- you see, my mother is coming, and I promised her that I will RULE THE WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA- :'''Jack Perkins''': Dr. Forrester, taste some of my cornbread stuffing, a recipe given me by the great [[w:Jacques Pépin|Jacques Pépin]] as we were mushrooming and- ''[is pushed offscreen by Dr. Forrester]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Unfortunately, I've also got to deal with some weird guests that Frank invited before he was subsumed up into heaven whenever the hell that was. So if we're all very lucky, cross our fingers, we won't have anymore uninvited guests. ''[Pitch suddenly appears]'' :'''Pitch''': Hi! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, go away! :'''Pitch''': Oh, but I brought a Mexican three-layer dip, heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put it on the bed, I've got important things- :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[suddenly appearing]'' Hi! Would you like to be a happy king? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, allow me to introduce Satan, Pitch, Scratch, Beelzebub, ruler of the domain of never-ending darkness, old gooseberry. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Great! I'm trying to rule the world before my mother gets here, and I've got Satan, I've got some androgynous man-woman, and I've got Peter Graves Jr. in my house! :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey! :'''Dr. Forrester''': A joke, Perkins. A joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Satan, I am pleased to meet you. [[w:Sympathy for the Devil|Won't you guess my name?]] ''[he and Pitch laugh]'' But what's puzzling me... :'''Pitch''': The nature of my game! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Look you two, I don't care if Frank did invite you for Thanksgiving, I gotta control the world before my mother gets here or we are all in so much trouble! ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh great, now who's this? Another freak for the pile?! ''[answers the door]'' And you would be... :'''Kitten with the Whip''': ''[enters holding a litterbox]'' Uh, Kitten with the Whip. I brought this... ''[coughs up a hairball]'' For you. And where should I put this? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put that in the bathroom, and don't spray anything! My mom's coming over. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Hey, it's not like I'm in heat! ''[Mr. B Natural walks by]'' Although I uh... could be persuaded. :'''Dr. Forrester''': She's a guy. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Aw... <hr width=50%/> :''[as a heavily intoxicated Jack Perkins and Mr. B Natural talk]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': I like you. You're funny. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Yep, Well um, I'm gonna go and do that thing I was- :'''Jack Perkins''': Mr. B Natural, ''God'' I can't believe you're a guy. :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[nervously]'' Yep! Every bit of me, all man! :'''Jack Perkins''': Well then, so be it! I guess I'm just gonna have to trust my instincts on this one. Sir, allow me to kiss you. ''[kisses Mr. B Natural, much to the other's horror]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester distributes beer to the guests while they swing a song Jack Perkins plays on the piano]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Boy that Perkins is really hot, huh? Eh, mom? MOTHER! Uh you're here- :'''Pearl''': Where's Frank? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, Frank is not here, mother. :'''Pearl''': Not here, Clayton? Oh good one, Clayton, I come all this way to s- Say... ''[fixes her hair]'' Jack has never looked better. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Happy Thanksgiving, mother. :'''Pearl''': Yeah, sure. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, you're just in time to see me take over the entire world, mom. :'''Pearl''': That's nice, dear. Say, who's the red-hooved one down there at the end? The cloven one, it is him! ''[pushes past Dr. Forrester]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you. :'''Mike''': We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me. :'''Pearl''': So what is this, ''[[w:Star Trek: Voyager|Star Trek: Voyager]]'' or something? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a- :'''Pearl''': Art? Is that you? :'''Crow''': Why Pearl, how good to see you! :'''Pearl''': Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long. :'''Crow''': Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off! :'''Pearl''': Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn. :'''Crow''': Yup. Pretty much run the place. ''[Servo clears his throat]'' Oh, these are the guys who work for me. === MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special === :''[a clip is shown from [[Forrest Gump]] ]'' :'''Forrest's Mother''': Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get! :''[cut back to Servo & Crow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, ''"Life is a like box of chocolates"''? Well I got a ''better'' analogy! "Life is like a '''''crap sandwich'''''! The more ''bread'' you got, the less ''crap'' you gotta take!" '''''Sheesh!''''' === MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === '''Crow''': Mike, stop yellin' and shootin' and killin', you woke me up. ==== The Fifth Element ==== :'''Crow''': ''[not understanding]'' Oh, the fifth element! Maybe it's a movie about [[w:Boron|boron]]? :'''Tom''': Oh I don't know, I only look at that chart ''[[w:Periodic table|periodically]]''! He he! ==== The Lost World: Jurassic Park ==== :'''Mike''': So what's the story in this movie? :'''Crow''': Mike, the real story is the signature [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] "Scenes of people looking". Let's watch. :'''Tom''': ''[Excited]'' Oh I know I will! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Pete Postlethwaite|Pete Postlethwaite]] in shorts? This movie is for the ladies! === MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === :'''Crow''': Our first movie is based on a [[w:The X-Files|television show]], which is a [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|ridiculous notion to begin with]]. ==== X-Files: Fight the Future ==== :''[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of [[w:Cigarette-Smoking Man|Sod-Laying Man]]! :'''Mulder''': Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Mulder]''': …unlike me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid on Bike''': You're not FBI agents! :'''Mulder''': How do ''you'' know? :'''Kid on Bike''': 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mulder]''': Yeah, well, you look like [[w:Howdy Doody|Howdy Doody]] with a headcold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mulder''': Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes? :'''Crow''': No, It was Bike-Gifting Man. ==== Ever After ==== :'''Baroness De Ghent''': We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The First [[w:Lutheran|Lutheran]]! : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': Your features are so… masculine. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as De Ghent]''': You look like [[w:Pat Summerall|Pat Summerall]]. : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': No wonder you're built for hard labour. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as De Ghent]''': You'll be giving birth to [[w:Paul Prudhomme|Paul Prudhomme]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]'' :'''Mike [as Danielle]''': I sneezed in my cocaine. ==== Halloween: H2O ==== :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Welcome back to the ''MST3K Blockbuster Review'', featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Um-hmm. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, ''Halloween Water'', which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. ==== The Truman Show ==== :''[Truman is talking to Lauren.]'' :'''Truman''': Would you wanna— :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Lauren]''': No. :'''Truman''': Maybe possibly— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Sometime— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday? :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': Well, oka— ''no''! :'''Lauren''': Yeah… I can't. :'''Truman''': Saturday? :'''Lauren''': I can't. :'''Truman''': Sunday-Monday-Tuesday? :''[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lauren]''': N-O! Th-the W is silent. ==== Saving Private Ryan ==== :'''Corporal Upham''': It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir. :'''Captain Miller''': Did you ''fire'' the weapon in basic training? :'''Corporal Upham''': Yes, sir. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Upham]''': But I shot my sergeant. ==== Godzilla (1998) ==== :'''Crow''': Um, folks? We'd ''like'' to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of ''G''[bleep]''a''. Even ''saying'' ''Go''[bleep]''la'' will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to ''God''[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us? :''[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming an iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]'' :'''Crow''': There! And it's [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]''zilla''." === MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special === ==== As Good As It Gets ==== :''[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]'' :'''Melvin''': Carol the Waitress, Simon the ''[audio cuts out]'' :'''Servo''': Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of ''Talk Soup''"? ==== Good Will Hunting ==== :'''Sean''': Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! :'''Crow''': Oh! I've read some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! === Assignment: Venezuela (short) === ::''NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.'' :''[On title screen]'' :'''Mike:''' I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]'' :'''Narrator''': The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th— :''[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': Was being sucked through a time portal. : . . . :''[They pass a building with a huge sign: ''GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL''.]'' :'''Narrator''': I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too! :'''Narrator''': Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]'' :'''Jim''': Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long. :'''Servo [as Jim]''': I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow. :'''Crow [as Jim]''': I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on ''all'' inland bodies of water. :. . . :''[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]'' :'''Mike [as Jim]''': I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do ''now'' is lick that language problem. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': … and Escobar here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]'' :'''Crow [as Wife]''': I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is shown around his future [[w:Quonset hut|Quonset-hut]] home by the present husband and wife occupants.]'' :'''Servo [as Wife]''': ''[in white-trash accent]'' The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': It's called ''[[w:Vietnam War#Vietnamization, 1969–1972|Venezuelalization]].'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to [[w:Simón Bolívar|the Liberator]], who led six South American nations to freedom. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I think it was [[w:Zorro|Zorro]] or something. === MST3K Live Social Distancing Riff-Along Special (2020) === ==== Moon Zero Two ==== ==== Circus Day (Short) ==== :'''Clown''': Welcome to clown alley... :'''GPC 2 [as the clown]''': Give me your wallet! :'''Clown''': This is where I get ready for the big show. :'''Servo [as the clown]''': That's what I call your nightmares. The big show. === Turkey Day 2020 === ==== Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket (short) ==== :'''Servo''': Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket: the story they didn't want us to tell. Filmed in cementascope. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': I'm the manager of the supermarket... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': And also the town undertaker. :'''Narrator''': ... and this is my son, Johnny. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': It's his birthday, and he gets to spend two hours in the candy aisle. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A supermarket is like many little markets or departments all brought together into one big building. Each department sells a different kind of food. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Putting all the smaller family owned markets out of business, thus ensuring that capitalism continues its nonstop roll toward oblivion. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny and the manager open a rear bay door]'' :'''Emily [as the manager]''': That's the sun, Johnny. It's our friend. It keeps the zombies at bay. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny helps unload a truck]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, how is this going to help us find my sister? :'''Servo''': Ooh, sad... <hr width=50%/> :''[during a shot of a storage shelf]'' :'''Servo''': Hmm, I see beef stew, ravioli, Star Kist tuna, surplus DVDs of ''[[w:Jerry Maguire|Jerry Maguire]]'', they've got it all! <hr width=50%/> :''[as a butcher pushes hanging meat into a refrigerated room]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, is this legal? :'''Servo [as the manager]''': Come on in, Johnny. I'd like you to meet my good friend, [[w:David Lynch|David Lynch]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this room, packages of meat are made ready for selling. Since food must be kept very clean, the packages are carefully wrapped and labeled. They're covered with cellophane, and then sealed with a hot iron. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And a fresh slice of provolone. :'''Crow''': You know, this is how Coldstone Creamery got started. They just reversed the process. :'''Narrator''': Each package is weighed, and the weight and price are marked on the label. :'''Servo''': ''[as a butcher writes on a label]'' "Help, I'm being held captive in Mayfair Market." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, I check on some signs needed for tomorrow's sale. :'''Crow [as the manager]''': Have you seen my son? :'''Narrator''': I tell my sign maker what the sale price will be. The signs will be used in the windows of the market. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': I linger a bit longer to take in the smell of benzene. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': This is my secretary... :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': ''Mom???'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Now Johnny, how would you like to open the market? Just push this buzzer... :''[Johnny presses the buzzer]'' :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ...and the bees will be released! ''[evil laugh]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': This work is all performed by silent robots. :'''Emily''': Hmmm, must be nice. :'''Crow and Servo''': Hey! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny and his mother have completed and paid for their shopping. Today, Johnny's learned that a great many things go on behind the scenes at a supermarket. :'''Crow''': Guys, I cannot ''wait'' for the next installment where they get bought out by a [[w:Trader Joe's|Trader Joe's]]. :'''Emily''': Ooooh... pumpkin spice. == Major cast == * [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]] — [[w:Joel Robinson|Joel Robinson]] (1989–1993) (1999) (2022)/Joel Hodgson (1988) * [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh Weinstein]] — [[w:Tom Servo|Tom Servo]]/[[w:Dr. Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Laurence Erhardt]] (1988–1989)/[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]] (1988) * [[w:Trace Beaulieu|Trace Beaulieu]] — [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]/[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Clayton Forrester]] (1988–1996, Turkey Day 2014) * [[w:Kevin Wagner Murphy|Kevin Murphy]] — Tom Servo (1990–1999)/[[w:Professor Bobo|Professor Bobo]] (1997–1999)/[[w:Cambot|Cambot]] (1988) * [[w:Jim Mallon|Jim Mallon]] — Gypsy (1989–1997) * [[w:Frank Conniff|Frank Conniff]] — [[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]] (1990–1995) * [[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael J. Nelson]] — [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike Nelson]] (1993–1999)/[[w:Jack Perkins|Jack Perkins]] (recurring) * [[w:Mary Jo Pehl|Mary Jo Pehl]] — [[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl Forrester]] (1994) (1996–1999)/[[w:Magic Voice|Magic Voice]] (1992–1994) * [[w:Bill Corbett|Bill Corbett]] — Crow T. Robot/Observer (1997–1999) * [[w:Patrick Brantseg|Patrick Brantseg]] — Gypsy (1997–1999) * [[w:Jonah Ray|Jonah Ray]] — [[w:Jonah Heston|Jonah Heston]] (2017–2018) * [[w:Baron Vaughn|Baron Vaughn]] — Tom Servo (2017–2018) * [[w:Hampton Yount|Hampton Yount]] — Crow T. Robot (2017–2018) * [[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] — Kinga Forrester (2017–2018) * [[Patton Oswalt]] — Max, TV’s Son of TV’s Frank (2017–2018) * Rebecca Hanson – Gypsy/Synthia Forrester (2017–2022) * Emily Marsh — Emily Connor, (2022) * Kelsey Ann Brady — [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]] (2022) == Guest Stars == *[[w:Leonard Maltin|Leonard Maltin]] - Himself (1998) *[[w:Neil Patrick Harris|Neil Patrick Harris]] – Neville Laroy (2017) *[[Jerry Seinfeld]] - Freak Masterstroke (2017) *[[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Hamill]] - P.T. Mindslap (2017) == See also == * [[Television shows]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikipedia|List of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes}} * {{imdb title|0094517|Mystery Science Theater 3000}} * {{imdb title|0117128|Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie}} * [http://www.mst3kinfo.com/index.html The Satellite News]: The Official MST3K Fan Site * [http://forrestcrow.proboards47.com MST3K: The Discussion Board]: Satellite News endorsed and largest MST3K discussion board [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Comedy Central shows]] [[Category:Syfy shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] [[Category:1990s American comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1980s American comedy TV shows]] db62rwm2nnbxy4xuu0piz01sk3fiv92 0 2780 3944176 3896675 2026-05-22T13:07:11Z Sirslayercort 1144011 New quote from the book The Revolution Betrayed 3944176 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trotsky Profile.jpg|thumb|right|[[Life]] is [[beautiful]]. Let the [[future]] [[generations]] cleanse it of all [[evil]], [[oppression]], and [[violence]], and [[enjoy]] it to the full.]] '''[[w:Leon_Trotsky|Leon Trotsky]]''' (Лев Давидович Троцкий; born '''Lev Davidovich Bronstein'''; Лев Давидович Бронштейн]; [[7 November]] ([[w:Old Style and New Style dates|O.S.]] [[26 October]]) [[1879]] – [[21 August]] [[1940]]) was a Russian Marxist, intellectual, and revolutionary. In the early Soviet Union, he founded the Politburo, served as People's Commissar for Foreign Affairs, and created and led the Red Army. After [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin's]] death, Trotsky was exiled for his opposition to [[Joseph Stalin]]'s policies. His 1940 assassination (with an ice axe) in Mexico was carried out by a Soviet agent ([[w:Ramón Mercader|Ramón Mercader]]) at Stalin's behest. == Quotes == <small>Sorted chronologically</small> [[File:Leon Trotsky - Okhranka mugshot.gif|thumb|right|As long as I breathe I hope for everything. As long as I breathe I shall fight for the future.]] [[File:Day of Saint George.jpg|thumb|right|In our eyes, individual terror is inadmissible precisely because it belittles the role of the masses in their own consciousness... and turns their eyes and hopes toward a great avenger and liberator who someday will come and accomplish his mission.]] [[File:LeonTrotsky1897.jpg|thumb|right|The highest human happiness is not the exploitation of the present but the preparation of the future.]] * As long as I breathe I '''hope'''. As long as I breathe I shall fight for the [[future]], that radiant future, in which man, strong and beautiful, will become master of the drifting stream of his history and will direct it towards the boundless horizons of [[beauty]], [[joy]] and [[happiness]]! ** "On Optimism and Pessimism, on the Twentieth Century, and on Many Other Things" (1901), as quoted in ''The Prophet Armed : Trotsky, 1879-1921'' (2003) by [[Isaac Deutscher]] , p. 45 * [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin's]] methods [of "hard" centralism and mistrust of the [[working class]]] lead to this: the party organization substitutes itself for the party, the central committee substitutes itself for the organization, and, finally, a "[[dictator]]" substitutes himself for the central committee. … The party must seek the guarantee of its stability in its own base, in an active and self-reliant [[proletariat]], and not in its top caucus … which the [[Proletarian revolution|revolution]] may suddenly sweep away with its wing. ** "Our Political Tasks" (1904), as quoted in ''The Prophet Armed'' (1963) by Isaac Deutscher * In our eyes, individual terror is inadmissible precisely because it belittles the role of the masses in their own [[consciousness]], reconciles them to their own powerlessness, and turns their eyes and hopes toward a great avenger and liberator who someday will come and accomplish his mission. ** [http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1911/11/tia09.htm Why Marxists oppose Individual Terrorism], article published in the Austrian Social Democratic paper ''Der Kampf'' (1909) * Root out the counterrevolutionaries without mercy, lock up suspicious characters in [[Concentration camp|concentration camps]]... Shirkers will be shot, regardless of past service. ** Statement of 1918, as quoted in ''Trotsky : The Eternal Revolutionary'' (1996) by Dmitri Volkogonov, p. 213 * [[Capital]] was really safer in [[Russia]] than anywhere else. ... No true [[Marxism|Marxist]] would allow sentiment to interfere with [[business]]. ** During a 1921 meeting with American businessman [[w:Armand Hammer|Armand Hammer]], as quoted in ''Hammer: Witness to History'' by Hammer and Neil Lyndon (1988), p. 160<!-- Hodder & Stoughton --> * Learning carries within itself certain dangers because out of necessity one has to learn from one's enemies. ** ''Literature and Revolution'' (1924) *[[Lenin]] cannot be chopped up into quotations suited for every possible case, because for Lenin the formula never stands higher than the [[reality]]; it is always the tool that makes it possible to grasp the reality and to dominate it. It would not be hard to find in Lenin dozens and hundreds of passages which, formally speaking, seem to be contradictory. But what must be seen is not the formal relationship of one passage to another, but the real relationship of each of them to the concrete reality in which the formula was introduced as a lever. The Leninist [[truth]] is always concrete! **''The New Course'' (1924) *[[Leninism]] is warlike from head to foot. War is impossible without [[cunning]], without subterfuge. without deception of the enemy. Victorious war cunning is a constituent element of Leninist politics. But at the same time, Leninism is supreme [[revolutionary]] [[honesty]] toward the party and the working class. It admits of no fiction, no bubble-blowing, no pseudo-grandeur. **''The New Course'' (1924) *[[Leninism]] is orthodox, obdurate, irreducible, but it does not contain so much as a hint of formalism, canon, not [[Bureaucracy|bureaucratism]]. In the struggle, it takes the bull by the horns. To make out of the traditions of Leninism a supra-theoretical guarantee of the infallibility of all the words and thoughts of the interpreters of these traditions, is to scoff at genuine [[revolutionary]] tradition and transform it into official bureaucratism. It is ridiculous and pathetic to try to hypnotize a great revolutionary party by repetition of the same formulae, according to which the right line should be sought not in essence of each question, not in the methods of posing and solving this question, but in formation of a biographical character. **''The New Course'' (1924). * [[Art]], it is said, is not a mirror, but a hammer: it does not reflect, it shapes. But at present even the handling of a hammer is taught with the help of a mirror, a sensitive film that records all the movements. [[Photography]] and [[Film|motion-picture photography]], owing to their passive accuracy of depiction, are becoming important educational instruments in the field of [[labor]]. '''If one cannot get along without a mirror, even in shaving oneself, how can one reconstruct oneself or one's life, without seeing oneself in the "mirror" of [[literature]]? Of course no one speaks about an exact mirror. No one even thinks of asking the new literature to have mirror-like impassivity. The deeper literature is, and the more it is imbued with the desire to shape life, the more significantly and dynamically it will be able to "picture" life.''' ** ''Literature and Revolution'' (1924), edited by William Keach (2005), Ch. 4 : Futurism, p. 120 **Variants: ** Art is not a mirror to hold up to society, but a hammer with which to shape it. *** Remarks apparently derived from Trotsky's observations, or those he implies preceded his own, this is attributed to [[Bertolt Brecht]] in ''Paulo Freire : A Critical Encounter'' (1993) by Peter McLaren and Peter Leonard, p. 80, and to [[Vladimir Mayakovsky]] in ''The Political Psyche'' (1993) by Andrew Samuels, p. 9 ** Art is not a mirror held up to society, but a hammer with which to shape it. * The [[Dialectic|dialectics]] of [[history]] have already hooked him and will raise him up. He is needed by all of them; by the tired [[Radicalism|radicals]], by the [[Bureaucracy|bureaucrats]], by the Nepmen, the upstarts, by all the worms that are crawling out of the upturned soil of the manured [[revolution]]. He knows how to meet them on their own ground, he speaks their language and he knows how to lead them. He has the deserved reputation of an old revolutionist, which makes him invaluable to them as a blinder on the eyes of the country. He has will and daring. He will not hesitate to utilize them and to move them against the Party. Right now he is organising himself around the sneaks of the party, the artful dodgers. ** Statement of 1924 on [[Joseph Stalin]]'s growing powerbase, in ''Stalin, An Appraisal Of The Man And His Influence'' (1966); also in ''Stalin's Russia 1924-53'' by Michael Lynch, p. 18 * We can only be right with and by the Party, for history has provided no other way of being in the right... And if the Party adopts a decision which one or other of us thinks unjust, he will say, just or unjust, it is my party, and I shall support the consequences of the decision to the end. **Speech at the XIIIth Party Congress (May 1924) * During his illness, [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] repeatedly addressed letters and proposals to the leading bodies and congresses of the party. It must be definitely stated that all these letters and suggestions were invariably delivered to their destination and they were all brought to the knowledge of the delegates to the Twelfth and Thirteenth Congresses, and have invariably exercised their influence on the decisions of the party. If all of these letters have not been published, it is because their author did not intend them to be published. Comrade Lenin has not left any “Testament”; the character of his relations to the party, and the character of the party itself, preclude the possibility of such a “Testament.” The [[Bourgeoisie|bourgeois]] and Menshevik press generally understand under the designation of “Testament” one of Comrade Lenin’s letters (which is so much altered as to be almost unrecognizable) in which he gives the party some organizational advice. The Thirteenth Party Congress devoted the greatest attention to this and to the other letters, and drew the appropriate conclusions. All talk with regard to a concealed or mutilated “Testament” is nothing but a despicable lie, directed against the real will of Comrade Lenin and against the interests of the party created by him. **[https://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1925/07/lenin.htm, Letter on Max Eastman's Book (1 July 1925)] * [[Fascism]] is nothing but [[Capitalism|capitalist]] reaction; from the point of view of the proletariat the difference between the types of reaction is meaningless. ** ''What Next?'' (1932) *Economic accounting is unthinkable without market relations. **[https://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1932/10/sovecon.htm The Soviet Economy in Danger (October 1932)] * It would be childish to think that the Stalin bureaucracy can be removed by means of a Party or Soviet Congress. Normal, constitutional means are no longer available for the removal of the ruling clique ... They can be compelled to hand over power to the Proletarian vanguard only by FORCE. ** Bulletin of the Opposition, October 1933. Quote from [[Harpal Brar]]'s Trotskyism or Leninism? p. 625 * The [[peasantry]], having lifted itself up out of its [[Middle Ages|medieval]] status, cannot politically generate its own rage. ** Speech in Paris (1934) * The tactical, or if you will, “technical,” task was quite simple — grab every fascist or every isolated group of fascists by their collars, acquaint them with the pavement a few times, strip them of their fascist insignia and documents, and without carrying things any further, leave them with their fright and a few good black and blue marks. ** Ultraleft Tactics in Fighting the Fascists (March 1934) * The struggle against war, properly understood and executed, presupposes the uncompromising hostility of the proletariat and its organizations, always and everywhere, toward its own and every other [[Imperialism|imperialist]] bourgeoisie... ** "Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau" (July 1936) * The struggle against war and its social source, capitalism, presupposes direct, active, unequivocal support to the oppressed [[Colonialism|colonial]] peoples in their struggles and wars against imperialism. A 'neutral' position is tantamount to support of imperialism. ** "Resolution on the Antiwar Congress of the London Bureau" (July 1936) * During my youth I rather leaned toward the prognosis that the [[Jews]] of different countries would be assimilated and that the Jewish question would thus disappear, as it were, automatically. The historical development of the last quarter of a century has  not confirmed this view. Decaying capitalism has everywhere swung over to an intensified nationalism, one aspect of which is [[Antisemitism|anti-Semitism]]. The Jewish question has loomed largest in the most highly developed capitalist country of [[Europe]], [[Germany]].[…]<br> The Jews of different countries have created their press and developed the [[Yiddish]] language as an instrument adapted to modern [[culture]]. One must therefore reckon with the fact that the Jewish nation will maintain itself for an entire epoch to come. […]<br>We must bear in mind that the Jewish people will exist a long time. The nation cannot normally exist without common territory. [[Zionism]] springs from this very idea. But the facts of every passing day demonstrate to us that Zionism is incapable of resolving the Jewish question. The [[Arab-Israeli conflict|conflict between the Jews and Arabs]] in [[Palestine]] acquires a more and more  tragic and more and more menacing character. I do not at all believe that the  Jewish question can be resolved within the framework of rotting capitalism and under the control of [[British Empire|British imperialism]].[…]<br>Socialism will open the possibility of great migrations on the basis of the most developed technique and culture. It goes without saying that what is here involved is not compulsory displacements, that is, the creation of new ghettos for certain nationalities, but displacements freely consented to, or rather demanded, by certain nationalities or parts of nationalities. The dispersed Jews who would want to be reassembled in the same community will find a sufficiently extensive and rich spot under the sun. The same possibility will be opened for the Arabs, as for all other scattered nations. National topography will become a part of  the planned economy. This is the great historic perspective as I see it. To work for international Socialism means to work also for the solution of the Jewish question. ** Excerpts of Trotsky’s interview with Jewish Telegraphic Agency (18 January 1937); as quoted in ''Trotsky and the Jews'' (1972) by Joseph Nedava, p. 204<!-- Philadelphia, PA: The Jewish Publication Society of America --> * Inside the Party, Stalin has put himself above all criticism and the State. It is impossible to displace him except by assassination. '''Every oppositionist becomes ipso facto a terrorist.''' ** Statement from interview with ''New York Evening Journal'' (26 January 1937), as quoted in ''Trotskyism or Leninism?'' (1993) by Harpal Brar p. 625 * The [[w:Moscow trials|Moscow trials]] are perpetrated under the banner of socialism. We will not concede this banner to the masters of falsehood! '''If our generation happens to be too weak to establish Socialism over the earth, we will hand the spotless banner down to our children. The struggle which is in the offing transcends by far the importance of individuals, factions and parties. It is the struggle for the future of all mankind. It will be severe, it will be lengthy. Whoever seeks physical comfort and spiritual calm let him step aside. In time of reaction it is more convenient to lean on the bureaucracy than on the truth. But all those for whom the word 'Socialism' is not a hollow sound but the content of their moral life – forward! Neither threats nor persecutions nor violations can stop us! Be it even over our bleaching bones the truth will triumph! We will blaze the trail for it. It will conquer! Under all the severe blows of fate, I shall be happy as in the best days of my youth! Because, my friends, the highest human happiness is not the exploitation of the present but the preparation of the future.''' ** '[https://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1937/09/life.htm I Stake My Life]', opening telephone address to the N.Y. Hippodrome Meeting for the opening event of the [[w:Dewey Commission|Dewey Commission]] on the Moscow Trial (February 9, 1937) * '''A sledgehammer breaks glass but forges steel.''' ** "We do not change our course" (1938) * Stalin's secret police, the GPU (NKVD), has fall to the same level of the Nazi Gestapo. ** "Behind The Moscow Trial", Trotsky in Mexico, 1939 * The [[Wehrmacht|German soldiers]], that is, the workers and peasants, will in the majority of cases have far more sympathy for the vanquished peoples than for their own [[Ruling class|ruling caste]]. The necessity to act at every step in the capacity of 'pacifiers' and oppressors will swiftly disintegrate the armies of [[Military occupation|occupation]], infecting them with a revolutionary spirit. ** Manuscript from 1940, as translated in ''Writings of Leon Trotsky‎'' edited by George Breitman * An ally has to be watched just like an enemy. ** As quoted in ''Expansion and Coexistence: The History of Soviet Foreign Policy, 1917-67'' (1974) by [[w:Adam Bruno Ulam|Adam Bruno Ulam]] * In not more than a month's time terror will assume very violent forms, after the example of the great [[French Revolution]]; the guillotine... will be ready for our enemies... that remarkable invention of the French Revolution which makes man shorter by a head. ** As quoted in ''The Cheka : Lenin's Political Police'' (1981) by George Leggett, p. 54 * Both [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] have plagiarized and imitated practically everything from everyone. Mussolini stole from the [[Bolsheviks]] and from [[w:Gabriele_D'Annunzio|Gabriele D'Annunzio]], and found inspiration in the camp of big business. Hitler imitated the Bolsheviks and Mussolini. ** ''Stalin: An Appraisal of the Man and his Influence'' (1941), translated by Charles Malamuth, p. 412<!-- New York: NY, The Universal Library Grosset & Dunlap --> === ''Results and Prospects'' (1905) === * The proletariat can only achieve power by relying upon a national upsurge an national enthusiasm. The proletariat will enter the government as the revolutionary representative of the nation, as the recognized national leader in the struggle against [[absolutism]] and [[Feudalism|feudal]] barbarism. In taking power, however, it will popes a new epoch, an en epoch of revolutionary legislation, of positive policy, and in this connection it cannot at all be sure of retaining the role of the recognized expressor of the will of the nation. * One thing is clear. Every passing day will deepen the policy of the proletariat in power, and more and more define is ''class character.'' Side beside with that, the revolutionary ties between the proletariat and the nation will be broken, the class disintegration of the peasantry will assume political form, and the antagonism between the component sections will grow in proportion as the policy of the workers' government defines itself, ceasing to be a general-democractic and becoming a class policy. * The proletariat, once having taken power, will fight for it to the very end. While one of the weapons in this struggle for the maintenance and the consolidation of power will be agitation and organization, especially in the countryside, another will be a policy of [[collectivism]]. Collectivism will become not only the inevitable way forward from the position in which the party in power will find itself, but will also be a means of preserving this position with the support of the proletariat. === ''Terrorism and Communism'' (1920)=== [[File:Leo_Trotzki_Oktober_1917.jpg|thumb|No one yet has learned to drive a locomotive sitting in his study,]] [[File:Kronstadt_attack.JPG|thumb|right|In war, where both success and failure are repaid by death, hostile agents who penetrate into the rear are subject to execution. This is inhuman, but no one ever considered war a school of humanity.]] [[File:Hammer_And_Sickle_20170520.jpg|thumb|To make the individual sacred we must destroy the social order which crucifies him. And this problem can only be solved by blood and iron.]] *This book was written in 1920 in the car of a military train and amid the flames of the [[Russian Civil War|civil war]]. The circumstance the reader must keep before his eyes if he wishes rightly to understand not only the basic material of the book, but also its harsh allusion, and particularly the tone in which it is written. **Introduction to the Second English Edition *The argument which is repeated again and again in criticisms of the Soviet system in Russia, and particularly in criticisms of revolutionary attempts to set up a similar structure in other countries, is the argument based on the balance of power. **Ch. 1, opening *The balance of political power at any given moment is determined under the influences of fundamental and secondary factors of differing degrees of effectiveness, and only in its fundamental quality is it determined by the state of the development of production. **Ch. 1 *The political worshipers of routine, incapable of surveying the historical process in its complexity, in its internal clashes and contradictions, imagined to themselves that history was preparing the way for the Socialist order simultaneously and systematically on all sides, so that concentration of production and the development of a [[Marxist ethics|Communist morality]] in the producer and the consumer mature simultaneously with the electric plough and a parliamentary majority. **Ch. 1 *The dictatorship is necessary because it is a case, not of partial changes, but of the very existence of the bourgeoisie. No agreement is possible on this ground. Only force can be the deciding factor. **Ch. 2 *It is only possible to safeguard the supremacy of the working class by forcing the bourgeoisie accustomed to rule, to realize that it is too dangerous an undertaking for it to revolt against the [[dictatorship of the proletariat]], to undermine it by [[Conspiracy|conspiracies]], sabotage, [[Insurrection|insurrections]], or the calling in foreign troops. **Ch. 2 *The Constituent Assembly placed itself across the path of the revolutionary movement, and was swept aside. **Ch. 2 *It could and must, be explained that in the civil war we destroyed the White Guards in order that they should not destroy the workers. Consequently, our problem is not the destruction of human life, but its preservation. But as we have to struggle for the preservation of human life with arms in our hands, it leads to the destruction of human life - a puzzle the dialectical secret of which was explained by old Hegel, without reckoning other still more ancient sages. **Chapter three, p. 53 *During war all institutions and organs of the State and of public opinion become, directly or indirectly, weapons of warfare. This is particularly true of the Press. No government carrying on a serious war will allow publications to exist on its territory which, openly or indirectly support the enemy. **Ch. 3 *'''In war, where both success and failure are repaid by death, hostile agents who penetrate into the rear are subject to execution. This is inhuman, but no one ever considered war a school of humanity.''' **Ch. 3 *We are fighting. We are fighting a life-and-death struggle. The [[Press]] is a weapon not of an abstract society, but of two irreconcilable, armed and contending sides. We are destroying the Press of the counter-revolution, just as we destroyed its fortified positions, its stores, its [[Communication|communications]] and its intelligence system. **Ch. 3 *In times of peace, the capitalists used to guarantee their interests by means of the "peaceful" robbery of hired labor. During the war they served those same interests by means of the destruction of countless human lives. **Ch. 3 *Let us now turn to the revolution which took place in the second half of the [[19th century|nineteenth century]], in the country of “[[democracy]]” – in the [[United States of America|United States of North America]]. Although the question was not the abolition of [[property]] altogether, but only of the abolition of [[Slavery in the United States|property in Negroes]], nevertheless, the institutions of democracy proved absolutely powerless to decide the argument in a peaceful way. The [[Southern United States|southern states]], defeated at the presidential elections in 1860, decided by all possible means to regain the influence they had hitherto exerted in the question of slave-owning; and uttering, as was right, the proper sounding words about freedom and independence, [[Confederate States of America|rose in a slave-owners’ insurrection]]. Hence inevitably followed all the later consequences of [[American Civil War|civil war]]. At the very beginning of the struggle, the military government in [[Baltimore]] imprisoned in Fort MacHenry a few citizens, sympathizers with the slave-holding South, in spite of Habeas Corpus. The question of the lawfulness or the unlawfulness of such action became the object of fierce disputes between so-called “high authorities.” The judge of the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] decided that the [[President of the United States|President]] had neither the right to arrest the operation of Habeas Corpus nor to give plenipotentiary powers to that end to the military authorities. **Ch. 4 : Terrorism *The people, in the shape of the most democratic elements, were in favor of extreme measures. The [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] had a decided majority in the North, and persons suspected of secessionism, i.e., of sympathizing with the rebellious Southern states, were subjected to violence. In some northern towns, and even in the states of [[New England]], famous for their order, the people frequently burst into the offices of [[newspapers]] which supported the revolting slave-owners and smashed their printing presses. It occasionally happened that reactionary publishers were smeared with tar, decorated with feathers, and carried in such array through the public squares until they swore an oath of loyalty to the Union. The personality of a planter smeared in tar bore little resemblance to the “end-in-itself ;” so that the [[categorical imperative]] of [[Karl Kautsky|Kautsky]] suffered in the civil war of the states a considerable blow. ** Description of The American Civil War, in Ch. 4 : Terrorism *In a revolutionary period, the party which has been thrown from power, which does not reconcile itself with the stability of the [[ruling class]], and which proves this by its desperate struggle against the latter, cannot be terrorized by the threat of imprisonment, as it does not believe in its duration. It is just this simple but decisive fact that explains the widespread recourse to shooting in a civil war. **Ch. 4 : Terrorism, p. 55 * If it is a question of seeking formal contradictions, then obviously we must do so on the side of the White Terror, which is the weapon of classes which consider themselves “[[Christianity|Christian]],” patronize [[Idealism|idealist]] [[philosophy]], and are firmly convinced that the [[individuality]] (their own) is an end-in-itself. As for us, we were never concerned with the [[Kantian ethics|Kantian]]-priestly and [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]]-[[Quakers|Quaker]] prattle about the “sacredness of human life.” We were revolutionaries in opposition, and have remained revolutionaries in power. '''To make the individual sacred we must destroy the social order which crucifies him. And this problem can only be solved by blood and iron.''' **Ch. 4 : Terrorism * The [[bourgeoisie]] today is a falling class. ... By its imperialist methods of appropriation [it] is destroying the economic structure of the world and human culture generally. Nevertheless, the historical persistence of the bourgeoisie is colossal. It holds to power, and does not wish to abandon it. Thereby it threatens to drag after it into the abyss the whole of society. We are forced to tear it off, to chop it away. The Red Terror is a weapon utilized against a class, doomed to destruction, which does not wish to perish. If the White Terror can only retard the historical rise of the proletariat, the Red Terror hastens the destruction of the bourgeoisie. ** p. 83 *'''No one yet has learned to drive a locomotive sitting in his study.''' **Ch. 7, p. 101 * Repression for the attainment of economic ends is a necessary weapon of the socialist dictatorship. ** p. 153 * The road to [[socialism]] lies through a period of the highest possible intensification of the principle of the state … Just as a lamp, before going out, shoots up in a brilliant flame, so the state, before disappearing, assumes the form of the dictatorship of the proletariat, i.e., the most ruthless form of state, which embraces the life of the citizens authoritatively in every direction. **p. 177 *'''Terror can be very efficient against a reactionary class which does not want to leave the scene of operations. ''Intimidation'' is a powerful weapon of policy, both internationally and internally. War, like revolution, is founded upon intimidation.'' ===''How the Revolution Armed'' (1923)=== [[File:Л.Д. Троцкий с женой и сыном Львом в ссылке.jpg|thumb|We [[communists]] know only one possession that is sacred — the [[life]] of the working man, the life of the worker, his wife and his children. That is the only possession which is sacred so far as we are concerned, and it gives us the right to do anything and everything.]] ; Volume 1 * We [[communists]] know only one possession that is sacred — the life of the working man, the life of the worker, his wife and his children. That is the only possession which is sacred so far as we are concerned, and it gives us the right to do anything and everything. ** Into the Fight Against Famine *** 6. The Kulaks - bulwark and hope of the counter-revolution * We Marxist communists are profoundly opposed to the [[anarchist]] doctrine. This doctrine is erroneous ** Order by the commissar for military affairs - on the murder of count Mirbach * I will say in a few words why the anarchist doctrine is wrong. The anarchists say that the working class does not need a government: what is needs is to organize [[production]]. Government, they say, is a bourgeois invention, a bourgeois machine of compulsion, and the working class does not need to take governmental power. This is wrong from beginning to end. ** Order by the commissar for military affairs - on the murder of count Mirbach === ''Literature and Marxism'' (1924) === [[File:Tatlin's_Tower_maket_1919_year.jpg|thumb|right| Life in the future will not be monotonous.]] *Having rationalized his economic system, that is, having saturated it with consciousness and planfulness, man will not leave a trace of the present stagnant and worm-eaten domestic life. *Communist life will not be formed blindly, like coral islands, but will be built consciously, will be tested by thought, will be tested by thought, will be directed and corrected. Life will cease to be elemental, and for this reason stagnant. Man, who will learn how to move rivers and mountains, how to build peoples' palaces on the peaks of Mont Blanc and at the bottom of the [[Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]], will not only be able to add to his own life richness, brilliancy, and intensity, but also a dynamic quality of the highest degree. The shell of life will hardly have time to form before it will be burst open and again under the pressure of new technical and cultural inventions and achievements. Life in the future will not be monotonous. *Man will make it his purpose to master his own feelings, to raise his instincts to the heights of consciousness, to make them transparent, to extend the wires of his will into hidden recesses, and thereby to raise himself to a new plane, to create a higher social biologic type, or, if you please, a superman. ===''The Permanent Revolution'' (1929)=== [[File: Klinom_Krasnim_by_El_Lisitskiy_(1920).jpg|thumb|right| The permanent revolution, in the sense which Marx attached to this concept, means a revolution which makes no compromise with any single form of class rule.]] *Stalin's ''Problems of Leninism'' constitutes a codification of this ideological garbage, an official manual of narrow-mindedness, an anthology of enumerated banalities. **Ch. 1 *The permanent revolution, in the sense which [[Karl Marx|Marx]] attached to this concept, means a revolution which makes no compromise with any single form of class rule, which does not stop at the democratic stage, which goes over to Socialist measures and to war against reaction from without; that is, a revolution whose every successive stage is rooted in the preceding one and which can end only in the complete liquidation of class society. *With regard to countries with a belated bourgeois development, especially the colonial and semi-colonial countries, the theory of the permanent revolution signifies that the complete and genuine solution of their tasks of achieving democracy and national emancipation is conceivable only through the dictatorship of the proletariat as the leader of the subjugated nation, above all of its peasant masses. **Ch. 10 *The dictatorship of the proletariat which has risen to power as the leader of the democratic revolution is inevitably and, very quickly confronted with tasks, the fulfillment of which is bound up with deep inroads into the rights of bourgeois property. The democratic revolution grows over directly into the socialist revolution and thereby becomes a permanent revolution. **Ch. 10 *The completion of the socialist revolution within national limits is unthinkable. ===''The Russian Revolution'' (1930)=== [[File:Lev trotsky viena.jpeg|thumb|right|There is a limit to the application of democratic methods. You can inquire of all the passengers as to what type of car they like to ride in, but it is impossible to question them as to whether to apply the brakes when the train is at full speed and accident threatens.]] * In a serious struggle there is no worse cruelty than to be magnanimous at an inopportune time. * '''There is a limit to the application of democratic methods. You can inquire of all the passengers as to what type of car they like to ride in, but it is impossible to question them as to whether to apply the brakes when the train is at full speed and accident threatens.''' * The historic ascent of humanity, taken as a whole, may be summarized as a succession of victories of consciousness over blind forces — in nature, in society, in man himself. <!-- Is he trying to talk about a bicycle here? --> * Let a man find himself, in distinction from others, on top of two wheels with a chain — at least in a poor country like [[Russia]] — and his vanity begins to swell out like his tires. In America it takes an [[automobile]] to produce this effect. === ''My Life'' (1930) === :<small>[http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1930/mylife/ Full text online]</small> [[File:Trotskynina1915.jpg|thumb|I do not measure the [[historical]] process by the yardstick of one's [[personal]] [[fate]].]] * '''The life of a revolutionary would be quite impossible without a certain amount of "fatalism."''' ** [http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1930/mylife/foreword.htm Foreword (1929)] * In these pages, I continue the struggle to which my whole life is devoted. Describing, I also characterize and evaluate; narrating, I also defend myself, and more often attack. It seems to me that this is the only method of making an autobiography objective in a higher sense, that is, of making it the most adequate expression of personality, conditions, and epoch. <br> [[Objectivity]] is not the pretended indifference with which confirmed hypocrisy, in speaking of friends and enemies, suggests indirectly to the reader what it finds inconvenient to state directly. Objectivity of this sort is nothing but a conventional trick. I do not need it. Since I have submitted to the necessity of writing about myself — nobody has as yet succeeded in writing an autobiography without writing about himself — I can have no reason to hide my sympathies or antipathies, my loves or my hates. ** Foreword * '''I know well enough, from my own experience, the historical ebb and flow. They are governed by their own laws. Mere impatience will not expedite their change.''' I have grown accustomed to viewing the historical perspective not from the stand point of my personal fate. To understand the causal sequence of events and to find somewhere in the sequence one's own place – that is the first duty of a revolutionary. And at the same time, it is the greatest personal satisfaction possible for a man who does not limit his tasks to the present day. ** Foreword * '''I do not measure the historical process by the yardstick of one's personal fate.''' On the contrary, I appraise my fate objectively and live it subjectively, only as it is inextricably bound up with the course of social development. <br> Since my exile, I have more than once read musings in the newspapers on the subject of the "tragedy" that has befallen me. I know no ''personal'' tragedy. I know the change of two chapters of the revolution. One American paper which published an article of mine accompanied it with a profound note to the effect that in spite of the blows the author had suffered, he had, as evidenced by his article, preserved his clarity of reason. I can only express my astonishment at the philistine attempt to establish a connection between the power of reasoning and a government post, between mental balance and the present situation. I do not know, and I never have, of any such connection. In prison, with a book or a pen in my hand, I experienced the same sense of deep satisfaction that I did at the mass-meetings of the revolution. '''I felt the mechanics of power as an inescapable burden, rather than as a spiritual satisfaction.''' ** [http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1930/mylife/ch45.htm Ch. 45 : The Planet without a Visa] * It was as the supreme expression of the mediocrity of the apparatus that [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] himself rose to his position. ** Ch. 40 ===''Trotsky's Diary in Exile — 1935'' (1958)=== [[File:Leo Trotzki 1938.jpg|thumb|Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man.]] [[File:Leo Trotzki 1940.jpg|thumb|People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life...]] * '''Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man.''' * Life is not an easy matter... You cannot live through it without falling into frustration and cynicism unless you have before you a great idea which raises you above personal misery, above weakness, above all kinds of perfidy and baseness. * The depth and strength of a human character are defined by its moral reserves. People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life, for only then do they have to fall back on their reserves. ===''The Revolution Betrayed'' (1936)=== :<small>''The Revolution Betrayed: What Is the Soviet Union and Where Is It Going?'' [https://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1936/revbet/index.htm Full text online]</small> *In January 1928 the working class stood face to face with the shadow of an advancing [[famine]]. History knows how to play a spiteful jokes. In that very month, when the kulaks were taking the revolution by the throat, the representatives of the Left Opposition were thrown into prison or banished to different parts of [[Siberia]] in punishment for their "panic" before the specter of the kulak. ** p. 33 * The [Soviet Union] bureaucracy not only has not disappeared, yielding its place to the masses, but has turned into an uncontrolled force dominating the masses. ** p. 40 in Doubleday, Doran & Company edition (1937) * Bureaucracy and social harmony are inversely proportional to each other. ** p. 41 *'''The owl of wisdom flies, as is well known, after sunset. Thus the theory of a "socialist" system of money and prices was developed only after twilight of inflationist illusions.''' ** Ch. 4, Section 3 : The Rehabilitation of the Ruble * '''No, the Soviet woman is not yet free.''' Complete equality before the law has so far given infinitely more to the women of the upper strata, representatives of bureaucratic, technical, pedagogical and, in general, intellectual work, than to the working women and yet more the peasant women. So long as society is incapable of taking upon itself the material concern for the family, the mother can successfully fulfill a social function only on the condition that she has in her service a white slave: nurse, servant, cook,etx. **Ch. 7 *Every revolutionary party finds its chief support in the younger generation of the rising class. Political decay expresses itself in a loss of ability to attract youth. **Ch. 7 *Independent character is like independent thought, it cannot be developed without criticism. **Ch. 7 *As though to complete the mockery of literature, Stalin, who does not know how to compose a Russian phrase correctly, is declared a classic in the matter of style **Ch. 7 * Can we, however, expect that the Soviet Union will come out of the coming great war without defeat? To this frankly posed question, we will answer as frankly: If the war should remain only a war, the defeat of the Soviet Union would be inevitable. In a technical, economic, and military sense, imperialism in incomparably more strong. If it is not paralyzed by revolution in the West, imperialism will sweep away the regime which issued from the [[Russian Revolution|October revolution]]. ** Ch. 8 * In [[Stalin]] each [Soviet bureaucrat] easily finds himself. But Stalin also finds in each one a small part of his own spirit. Stalin is the personification of the bureaucracy. That is the substance of his political personality. ** [https://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1936/revbet/ch11.htm Ch. 11] * Stalin, through Pravda, openly advised the local organs not to give them [the opposition] work. In a country where the sole employer is the state, this means death by slow starvation. The old principle: who does not work shall not eat, has been replaced with a new one: 'who does not obey shall not eat.' ** Ch. 11 * Stalinism and [[fascism]], in spite of a deep difference in social foundations, are symmetrical phenomena. In many of their features they show a deadly similarity. ** Ch. 11 *'''The Soviet bureaucracy is like all ruling classes in that it is ready to shut its eyes to the crudest mistakes of its leaders in the sphere of general politics, provided in return they show an unconditional fidelity in the defense of its privileges.''' *The [[Antiquity|ancient]] philosopher said that strife is the father of all things. No new values can be created where a free conflict of ideas is impossible. To be sure, a revolutionary dictatorship means by its very essence strict limitations of freedom. But for that very reason epochs of revolution have never been directly favorable to cultural creation: they have only cleared the arena for it. The dictatorship of the proletariat opens a wider scope to human genius the more it ceases to be a dictatorship. The socialist culture will flourish only in proportion to the dying away of the state. === Their Morals and Ours (1938) === [[File:WhiteArmyPropagandaPosterOfTrotsky.jpg|thumb|right|A means can be justified only by its end. But the end in its turn needs to be justified.]] :<small>[http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1938/morals/morals.htm Full text online]</small> * '''A means can be justified only by its end. But the end in its turn needs to be justified''', From the Marxist point of view, which expresses the historical interests of the proletariat, the end is justified if it leads to increasing the power of man over nature and to the abolition of the power of man over man. ** Also quoted as "The end may justify the means as long as there is something that justifies the end." * ''(On the [[American Civil War]])'' "History has different yardsticks for the cruelty of the Northerners and the cruelty of the Southerners in the Civil War. '''A slave-owner who through cunning and violence shackles a slave in chains, and a slave who through cunning or violence breaks the chains''' – let not the contemptible eunuchs tell us that they are equals before a court of morality!" * What, however, is our relation to revolution? Civil war is the most severe of all forms of war. It is unthinkable not only without violence against tertiary figures but, under contemporary technique, without murdering old men, old women and children... There is no impervious demarcation between ‘peaceful’ class struggle and revolution. Every strike embodies in an unexpanded form all the elements of civil war. === The Tragedy of the Chinese Revolution (1938) === :<small>[http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/1938/xx/china.htm Full text online]</small> * Despite the unquestionable greatness of the [[Anglo-Saxons|Anglo-Saxon]] genius, it is impossible not to see that the laws of revolutions are least understood precisely in the Anglo-Saxon countries. === Trotsky's Testament (1940) === :<small> Written statement (27 February 1940); [http://www.newyouth.com/archives/classics/trotsky/trotsky_testament.asp full text online]</small> [[File:Logo of the Fourth International.svg |thumb|right|My faith in the communist future of mankind is not less ardent, indeed it is firmer today, than it was in the days of my youth.]] [[File:Leon Trotsky's grave.jpg|thumb|right|The concrete is a combination of abstractions...]] * I thank warmly the friends who remained loyal to me through the most difficult hours of my life. I do not name anyone in particular because I cannot name them all. <br> However, I consider myself justified in making an exception in the case of my companion, Natalia Ivanovna Sedova. In addition to the happiness of being a fighter for the cause of socialism, fate gave me the happiness of being her husband. During the almost forty years of our life together she remained an inexhaustible source of love, magnanimity, and tenderness. She underwent great sufferings, especially in the last period of our lives. But I find some comfort in the fact that she also knew days of happiness. * For forty-three years of my conscious life I have remained a revolutionist; for forty-two of them I have fought under the banner of Marxism. If I had to begin all over again I would of course try to avoid this or that mistake, but the main course of my life would remain unchanged. '''I shall die a proletarian revolutionist, a Marxist, a [[w:Dialectical_materialism|dialectical materialist]], and, consequently, an irreconcilable atheist. My faith in the communist future of mankind is not less ardent, indeed it is firmer today, than it was in the days of my youth.''' * Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. '''Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full.''' * Natasha and I said more than once that one may arrive at such a physical condition that it would be better to cut short one's own life or, more correctly, the too slow process of dying … But '''whatever may be the circumstances of my death I shall die with unshaken faith in the communist future. This faith in man and in his future gives me even now such power of resistance as cannot be given by any religion.''' === ''In Defense of Marxism'' (1942) === :<small>[http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/idom/dm/index.htm Full text online]</small> * Dialectical thinking is related to vulgar thinking in the same way that a motion picture is related to a still photograph. The motion picture does not outlaw the still photograph but combines a series of them according to the laws of motion. '''Dialectics does not deny the syllogism, but teaches us to combine syllogisms in such a way as to bring our understanding closer to the eternally changing reality.''' ** p. 66 *'''''The concrete is a combination of abstractions'' — not an arbitrary or subjective combination but one that corresponds to the laws of the movement of a given phenomenon.''' ** p. 147 ===''Fascism: What It Is and How to Fight It'' (1944)=== *The fascist movement in Italy was a spontaneous movement of large masses, with new leaders from the rank and file. It is a plebian movement in origin, directed and financed by big capitalist powers. It issued forth from the petty bourgeoisie, the slum proletariat, and even to a certain extent from the proletarian masses; Mussolini, a former socialist, is a "self-made" man arising from this movement. **Ch. 1 *The genuine basis (for fascism) is the petty bourgeoisie. In italy, it has a very large base -- the petty bourgeoisie of the towns and cities, and the peasantry. In Germany, likewise, there is a large base for fascism.... **Ch. 1 *Italian fascism was the immediate outgrowth of the betrayal by the reformists of the uprising of the Italian proletariat. From the time the [first world] war ended, there was an upward trend in the revolutionary movement in [[Italy]], and in September 1920 it resulted in the [[Nationalization|seizure of factories and industries]] by the workers. The dictatorship of the proletariat was an actual fact; all that was lacking was to organize it and draw from it all the necessary conclusions. The [[social democracy]] took fright and sprang back. After its bold and heroic exertions, the proletariat was left facing the void. The disruption of the revolutionary movement became the most important factor in the growth of fascism. In September, the revolutionary advance came to a standstill; and November already witnessed the first major demonstration of the fascists (the seizure of [[w:Bologna|Bologna]]). **Ch. 2 *In order that the social crisis may bring about the proletarian revolution, it is necessary that, besides other conditions, a decisive shift of the petty bourgeois classes occurs in the direction of the proletariat. This gives the proletariat a chance to put itself at the head of the nation as its leader. **Ch. 3 *In case of actual danger, the social democracy banks not on the "Iron Front" but on the Prussian police. It is reckoning without its host! The fact that the [[police]] was originally recruited in large numbers from among social-democratic workers is absolutely meaningless. [[Consciousness]] is determined by environment even in this instance. The worker who becomes a policeman in the service of the capitalist state, is a bourgeois cop, not a worker. Of late years, these policemen have had to do much more fighting with revolutionary workers than with Nazi students. Such training does not fail to leave its effects. And above all: every policeman knows that though governments may change, the police remains. **Ch. 4 *The economically powerful big bourgeoisie, in itself, represents an infintesimal minority of the nation. To enforce its domination, it must ensure a definite mutual relationship with the petty bourgeoisie and, through its mediation, with the proletariat. **Ch. 5 *In all the countries where fascism became victorious, we had, before the growth of fascism and its victory, a wave of radicalism of the masses -- of the workers and the poorer peasants and farmers, and of the petty bourgeois class. In Italy, after the war and before 1922, we had a revolutionary wave of tremendous dimensions; the state was paralyzed, the police did not exist, the [[trade unions]] could do anything they wanted -- but there was not party capable of taking the power. As a reaction came fascism. <!--section ends here, misattributed begins below--> {{Disputed begin}} ==Attributed== * '''You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you.''' *: <p>This was attributed to Trotsky in an epigraph in ''Night Soldiers: A Novel'' (1988) by [[w: Alan Furst | Alan Furst ]] but it may actually be a revision of a statement earlier attributed to Trotsky: "You may not be interested in the [[w:dialectic|dialectic]], but the dialectic is interested in you." Only a ''very'' loose translation of "the dialectic" would produce "war."</p> *: <p>Such translation is possible via an intermediate Greek translation, or simply for someone with a knowledge of Greek, where the word [[Wiktionary:πόλεμος|πόλεμος]] carries a dual connotation of both ''dialectic'' and ''war'' (evident in the adjective form [[Wiktionary:πολεμικός|πολεμικός]]). Compare translations of [[Heraclitus]]'s [[Wiktionary:EL:πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι, πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς|Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι]] ([[Wikipedia:en:List of Greek phrases#Ππ|"War is the father of all"]]) by [[David Myatt]]<ref>David Myatt, [http://davidmyatt.wordpress.com/heraclitus-translations-of-some-fragments/ "Heraclitus – translations of some fragments"]. '''Quote:''' ''Polemos'' our genesis, governing us all to bring forth some gods, some mortal beings with some unfettered yet others kept bound.</ref><ref>David Myatt, [http://davidmyatt.wordpress.com/heraclitus-translations-of-some-fragments/ "Heraclitus – translations of some fragments"]. '''Quote:''' I have deliberately transliterated (instead of translated) πόλεμος, and left δίκη as δίκη – because both πόλεμος and δίκη should be regarded like ψυχή (psyche/Psyche) as terms or as principles in their own right (hence the capitalization), and thus imply, suggest, and require, interpretation and explanation, something especially true, in my opinion, regarding δίκη. To render such Greek terms blandly by English terms such as ‘war’ and ‘justice’ – which have their own now particular meaning(s) – is in my view erroneous and somewhat lackadaisical.</ref> and by [[Martin Heidegger]].<ref>Steven Burik, "The end of comparative philosophy and task of comparative thinking. Heidegger, Derrida, and Daoism" (State University of New York, 2009), page 30. '''Quote:''' Heraclitus is well known for having allegedly said in fragment 53 that "war is the father of all things." Heidegger thinks again that this interpretation is mistaken or at least one-sided. There is again a more originary way of looking at the fragment, which starts with πόλεμος πάντων μὲ ν πατήρ ἐστι. Heidegger translates "Confrontation (''[[wiktionary:Auseinandersetzung|Auseinandersetzung]]'') is indeed the begetter of all (that comes to presence) . . ." This is already a huge difference from normal translations, but even more important is the continuing sentence which isusually left out: . . . πάντων δὲ βασιλεύς, which Heidegger translates as ". . . but (also) the dominant preserver of all." So[,] far from trying to say that war is the father of all things, Heidegger says that confrontation, as ''[[wiktionary:Auseinandersetzung|Auseinandersetzung]],'' is the begetter and keeper of all things.</ref><ref>Heidegger, Martin (1953). "Einführung in die Metaphysik." '''Quote:''' [[wiktionary:Auseinandersetzung|Auseinandersetzung]] is allem (Anwesendem) zwar Erzeuger, allem aber (auch) waltender Bewahrer.</ref> Also see [[Wikipedia:DE:Liste griechischer Phrasen/Pi#Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι.|translation in German Wikipedia]].<ref>[[Wikipedia:DE:Liste griechischer Phrasen/Pi#Πόλεμος πάντων μὲν πατήρ ἐστι.]] '''Quote:''' [[wiktionary:Auseinandersetzung|Auseinandersetzung]] ist aller Dinge Vater, aller Dinge König, die einen erweist er als Götter, die andern als Menschen, die einen macht er zu Sklaven, die anderen zu Freien.</ref> The notability of the Greek connection (between "war" and "the dialectic") is further augmented by the fact that the [[Heraclitus|Heraclitean]] logic of war underpins [[Wikipedia:Hegelian dialectics|Hegelian dialectics]],<ref>Georg Hegel, ''Lectures on the History of Philosophy:'' Volume I ← via {{cite book | first=Justus | last=Hartnack | coauthors=Lars Aagaard-Mogensen, Translator | title=An Introduction to Hegel's Logic | year=1998 | publisher=Hackett Publishing | isbn=0-87220-424-3| pages=16–17}} ← via [[Wikipedia:Hegel#Heraclitus]]. '''Quote:''' There is no proposition of Heraclitus which I have not adopted in my logic.</ref> a modern precursor to [[Wikipedia:Dialectical materialism|dialectical materialism]] and, consequently, [[Wikipedia:Permanent revolution|Trotsky's doctrine]].</p> *: <p>In a later work, ''Just and Unjust Wars: A Moral Argument with Historical Illustrations'' (2000) by Michael Walzer, the author states:''' War is most often a form of tyranny. It is best described by paraphrasing Trotsky's aphorism about the dialectic: "You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you." '''</p><p>This statement on dialectic itself seems to be a paraphrase, with the original in [https://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/idom/dm/32-goldman2.htm ''In Defense of Marxism'' Part VII : "Petty-Bourgeois Moralists and the Proletarian Party" (1942)] — where Trotsky publishes a letter to Albert Goldman (5 June 1940) has been translated as''' "Burnham doesn't recognize dialectics but dialectics does not permit him to escape from its net." ''' More discussion on the origins of this quotation can be found at [http://econ161.berkeley.edu/movable_type/2003_archives/002422.html The Semi-Daily Journal of Economist Brad DeLong: Fair and Balanced Almost Every Day].{{deadlink}}</p> {{Disputed end}} === References === <div style="font-size: smaller; {{column-count|2}}"> <references /> </div> ==Quotes about Trotsky== [[File:Leon Trotsky-TIME-1925.jpg|thumb|This ego-maniac firebrand is running through a world full of war-explosives, applying his torch wherever he may, hoping for nothing so much as a new world war from which alone he sees his hopes of glory and power. ~ [[Earl Browder]]]] [[File:Leon Trotsky-TIME-1927.jpg|thumb|Proof of Trotsky's farsightedness is that none of his predictions have come true yet. ~ [[Isaac Deutscher]]]] [[File:Soviet reaction to Leon Trotsky publication.jpg|thumb|The obliging Trotsky is more dangerous than an enemy! ~ [[Vladimir Lenin]]]] [[File:За работу! Скоро станет легче.jpg|thumb|Here's to the day when the complete works of Leon Trotsky are published and widely distributed in the Soviet Union. On that day the USSR will have achieved democracy! ~ [[C. Wright Mills]]]] [[File:Trotsky Annenkow 1922 cartoon.jpg|thumb|Trotsky explained that a nationalised planned economy needs democracy as the human body needs oxygen. ~ [[w:Alan Woods (political theorist)|Alan Woods]]]] :<small>Alphabetized by author </small> * The international disputes which united and divided [[Rosa Luxemburg|Luxemburg]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]], [[György Lukács|Lukács]], [[Antonio Gramsci|Gramsci]], [[wikipedia:Amadeo_Bordiga|Bordiga]] or Trotsky on these issues represent the last great strategic debate in the [[Europe|European]] workers’ movement. Since then, there has been little significant theoretical development of the political problems of [[Revolution|revolutionary]] strategy in metropolitan [[capitalism]] that has had any direct contact with the masses. The structural divorce between original [[Marxism|Marxist]] theory and the main organizations of the [[working class]] in Europe has yet to be historically resolved. The May-June revolt in [[France]], the upheaval in [[Portugal]], the approaching dénouement in [[Spain]], presage the end of this long divorce, but have not accomplished it. The classical debates, therefore, still remain in many respects the most advanced limit of reference we possess today. It is thus not mere archaism to recall the strategic confrontations which occurred four or five decades ago. To reappropriate them, on the contrary, is a step towards a Marxist discussion that has the—necessarily modest—hope of assuming an ‘initial shape’ of correct theory today. [[Regis Debray|Régis Debray]] has spoken, in a famous paragraph, of the constant difficulty of being contemporary with our present. In Europe at least, we have yet to be sufficiently contemporary with our past. ** [[Perry Anderson]], "The Antinomies of Antonio Gramsci", ''New Left Review'' (1976) * Reading Trotsky, one is often impressed with how much dishonesty he can pack into a paragraph. ** [[Martin Amis]], on a passage in Trotsky's ''Diary in Exile'' (1935) defending the 1918 execution of Tsar Nicholas II and the Romanov family; in ''[[w:Koba the Dread|Koba the Dread: Laughter and Twenty Million]]'' (NY: Hyperion, 2001), p. 55 *Trotsky's own tragic fate was to illustrate all that I felt and thought about my own inability either to work with or compete with the Comintern leaders on their own ground. If, after the Soviet Republic was consolidated and the factional struggle first began against him, after the Central Committee decided that the time had come to lessen the popularity and self-confidence of the former Menshevik, Trotsky had shown his own superiority to the Jesuitry of his rivals, by refusing to use their methods, how different his fate might have been! It is far more likely that when the moment of disillusion with the bureaucracy came, he would have become the leader of a revolutionary labour movement throughout the world, and that the authority and the number of his disciples would be many times greater than they are now. If from the beginning, he had defended party democracy, fought the repression of honest dissent, the calumny of political opponents by the Party machine, how much more sympathy and solidarity he would have found in Russia from the first day of his persecution to the last shameful campaign against him! But to have denounced those methods consistently, Trotsky should have fought them from the very beginning when he was most powerful, when he was a part of the bureaucracy, and when the Russians themselves were still convinced that the country could not be saved without him. He could not have eradicated the disease, perhaps-this was too inherent in Bolshevism itself-but he could have avoided some of its most monstrous applications and he could have protested far more successfully and aroused others to protest-when he himself became the victim. But not only was Trotsky himself, after 1917, a good Bolshevist, a hundred-per-cent "Leninist," he was also too weak and too self-conscious to have made such a fight while still part of the ruling group. "Too weak?" How can I use that word to describe a man whom I consider one of the most powerful intellects of our time-a man who has done for Russia what no other modern statesman has done for his country (because none has had to work, to destroy and reconstruct under such complicated and unprecedented conditions); who has faced danger and death without hesitation, endured heroically persecution on an unprecedented scale? Yet, there are different ways of being courageous, or rather of being indifferent to what may come. One may defy death but be unable to face reproach or a threat to one's popularity. This was, and still is, the case with Trotsky. He was daring enough, with Lenin, to face the hostile opinion of the whole world. But he was not sufficiently independent to fight those tendencies exemplified in Lenin's puppet, [[Grigory Zinoviev|Zinoviev]], nor to refuse an alliance with Zinoviev even after the latter had first capitulated to and become the puppet of Stalin. He was afraid of being thought less "revolutionary" than those who attacked him and in the field of demagogy and political shrewdness he was no match for Zinoviev, Stalin, and the whole party apparatus. This fear of being suspected of not having wholly abnegated his original sin-Menshevism-and his immeasurable self-confidence, have continuously projected themselves like a shadow between this brilliant man and the situations in which he is personally involved, so that he has failed to apply to his own movement the criteria he applies to others. It is as though history and logic and the laws of causality which he understands and knows how to handle so well, stopped short before his own personality. It is an attitude which was encouraged, of course, by his matchless success in the early years of the Revolution, the overwhelming popularity he enjoyed. He was so sure in those days that, whatever might be the fate of others, whatever the dangers of popularity and success, for him-Leon Trotsky-life would make an exception. Instead, he has become the foremost victim of the perversion of the Revolution! **[[Angelica Balabanoff]] ''My Life As a Rebel'' (1938) *I asked him <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[w:Bob Edwards (politician)|Bob Edwards]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> about Trotsky and [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]. He maintained that the argument wasn't only over the necessity for a [[w:World revolution|world revolution]]. Stalin believed that the only way to safeguard the Russian revolution was to build heavy industry at tremendous cost and to be able to defend the country. Trotsky believed that a European revolution, particularly in Britain and Germany, would safeguard the Russian revolution. But he also believed that the Russian people should be allowed access to more consumer goods, and this would have been at the cost of building up heavy industry. "Actually," said Bob, "Stalin was right in the event and not Trotsky." **[[Tony Benn]], diary entry (7 March 1983), quoted in Tony Benn, ''The End of An Era: Diaries, 1980–90'', ed. Ruth Winstone (1992), pp. 278-279 *The pressure in the Soviet Union for a [[Realpolitik|''realpolitik'']] in [[international relations]] that represented the normalisation of relations with other states was not linked to the abandonment of the [[Communism|Communist]] cause, but, rather, to a focus on the pursuit of Socialism (ie. Communism) in one state (the Soviet Union). This was a course presented as leading to the strengthening of the cause. This emphasis was associated with Stalin who dominated the state after Lenin’s death in 1924. However, Stalin was also interested in world revolution and committed to the spread of Communism. Thus, his difference with the more volatile Leon Trotsky’s demand for permanent and global revolution was more one of tactics than goals, although that was still a highly significant difference. At a meeting of the Politburo in 1926, Trotsky accused his rival Stalin of becoming ‘the gravedigger of the revolution’. Trotsky was to be forced into exile, first internal (1927), and then external (1929), by Stalin. A major element of [[Stalinism|Stalinist]] policy, both before and after [[World War II|World War Two]], was suppressing those held to be Trotskyites. This was a rift that fed Stalinist paranoia and gave potent force to the idea of the enemy within. This idea was brutally enforced in Communist and allied movements abroad, as with the hunting down of those in the Republican camp considered suspect during the [[Spanish Civil War]] (1936–9). [[Capital punishment|Sentenced to death]] in absentia in 1937, Trotsky himself was murdered in Mexico in 1940 in a plot by Soviet [[Espionage|Intelligence]], the NKVD. **[[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''The Cold War: A Military History'' (2015) *It is not true, however, that the solutions proposed by the Zionists, of whatever shade, represented historical realism as against the inconsistent utopianism of the Bund. Certainly the prophets were not numerous, but they have to be given their due: [[Kurt Tucholsky]], for example, who already in the mid-1920s sounded the alarm, in a [[Weimar Republic]] prey to the demons of order, nationalism, xenophobia and dreams of revanchism; [[Leon Trotsky]], who in the late 1920s warned that the fate of Europe was being played out in Germany, and understood that the bankruptcy of German communism in the face of Hitler bore within it the inexorable unfurling of horror. At this time they were preaching in the desert, including the desert of Judaea. The rabbis who called for obedience to the temporal power in all circumstances, and the inspirers of [[Menachem Begin]] and [[Ariel Sharon]] who at the time paraded in black shirts, are not best placed to cast the first stone at these Jewish visionaries and militants who were struggling at this time for a better world. **Alain Brossat and Sylvia Klingberg, ''Revolutionary Yiddishland: A History of Jewish Radicalism'' (2016) *The articulation of universalism with the sense of Jewish identity took varying forms depending on the different revolutionary currents: for internationalists such as [[Leon Trotsky]], [[Aleksandr Zinoviev]], [[Karl Radek]] and [[Rosa Luxemburg]], the assimilation of a Jewish revolutionary into the concrete universal party, the dissolution of the 'little difference' into the status of equality of the militant, anticipated the society for which they fought; they did not consider the little difference' as called on to crystallize one day in terms of national identity. Were they blind? Blinkered, certainly, in the sense that they underestimated the national dimension of the Jewish problem in [[Eastern Europe]]. **Alain Brossat and Sylvia Klingberg, ''Revolutionary Yiddishland: A History of Jewish Radicalism'' (2016) *In 1937, Trotsky had to admit that 'the Jewish nation will maintain itself for a whole era to come." **Alain Brossat and Sylvia Klingberg, ''Revolutionary Yiddishland: A History of Jewish Radicalism'' (2016) *This ego-maniac firebrand is running through a world full of war-explosives, applying his torch wherever he may, hoping for nothing so much as a new world war from which alone he sees his hopes of glory and power. **[[Earl Browder]], ''Trotskyism against World Peace'' (1937) * According to Leon Trotsky, in an article published in late 1939, and to my personal knowledge based on a careful collation and analysis of statistics published in the Soviet press, the upper 11% or 12% of the Soviet population now receives approximately 50% of the national income. This differentiation is sharper than in the [[United States]], where the upper 10% of the population receives approximately 35% of the national income. ** [[James Burnham]], ''The Managerial Revolution'' (1942), pp. 43-44 * The Jews practically always backed the wrong horse. The Jews of Russia who worked for the destruction of monarchy found themselves finally in the grips of a brutal religious persecution which hit them harder than the Christians. Their most brilliant exponents among the Communists were exiled, slaughtered, or assassinated in exile. The fate of Trotzki [sic] is symbolic for Russian Jewry. The Jews, with their ardent sympathies for the Soviet Union, had the same grim awakening when they learned of the Stalin Hitler pacts as the Spanish Jews who had backed the Moors instead of the Christians. ** Francis Stewart Campbell, pen name of [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]] (1943), Menace of the Herd, or, Procrustes at Large, Milwaukee, WI: The Bruce Publishing Company, p. 187 *On reading Trotsky's History of the Russian Revolution we are struck by a fundamental contradiction: as an honest historian he shows us just how much the Party lagged behind the masses, and as a Bolshevik theorist he must reaffirm that the Party was necessary for the succession of the revolution. **[[Cohn-Bendit]], ''Obsolete Communism: The Left Wing Alternative'' *Lenin and Trotsky were the men of the hour and under their fearless, incorruptible and uncompromising leadership the Russian proletariat has held the fort against the combined assaults of all ruling class powers of earth. It is a magnificent spectacle . It stirs the blood and warms the heart of every revolutionist, and it challenges the admiration of all the world. **[[Eugene V. Debs]], The Day of the People (1918) * Proof of Trotsky's farsightedness is that none of his predictions have come true yet. ** [[Isaac Deutscher]], at a party in his honor at Oxford in 1964, as quoted in ''The Leveling Wind'' (1994) by [[George Will]], p. 132 * All anti-Stalinist forces had been wiped out … Trotskyism, Zinovievism, and Bukharinism, all drowned in blood, had, like some Atlantis, vanished from all political horizons … and he himself was now the sole survivor of Atlantis. ** [[Isaac Deutscher]], The Prophet Outcast, 1963, p. 419. * Lenin and Trotsky killed millions of Russian citizens right after the Civil War, when they were consolidating State power, which preceded Stalin’s bloody rule. The lesson is that we should not be tricked into surrendering the grassroots people’s power to dictators who pose as our friends or leaders. ** [[Lorenzo Kom'boa Ervin]], ''[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/lorenzo-kom-boa-ervin-anarchism-and-the-black-revolution Anarchism and the Black Revolution]'' (1993) * Maxim Gorki, supposedly citing a quote from Trotsky, told some journalists in 1924: "From Mussolini's governmental actions I have got to know his energy and I admire him, but I prefer Trotsky's opinion: Mussolini has made a revolution, he is our best student." ** Simonetta Falasca-Zamponi (1997). ''Fascist Spectacle: The Aesthetics of Power in Mussolini's Italy''. Berkeley: University of California Press, c1997p. 52 *After several rather dull speakers Trotsky was introduced. A man of medium height, with haggard cheeks, reddish hair, and straggling red beard stepped briskly forward. His speech, first in Russian and then in German, was powerful and electrifying. I did not agree with his political attitude; he was a Menshevik (Social Democrat), and as such far removed from us. But his analysis of the causes of the war was brilliant, his denunciation of the ineffective Provisional Government in Russia scathing, and his presentation of the conditions that led up to the Revolution illuminating. He closed his two hours' talk with an eloquent tribute to the working masses of his native land. The audience was roused to a high pitch of enthusiasm, and Sasha and I heartily joined in the ovation given the speaker. We fully shared his profound faith in the future of Russia. **[[Emma Goldman]], ''Living My Life (1931)'' * I believe that the fundamental things Trotsky relied on were wrong, that his later performance was wrong and even obscure in his last decade. And that the Trotskyists have not contributed anything to the revolutionary movement anywhere and where they did more, which was in Peru, in short, they failed because the methods were wrong. ** [[Che Guevara]], as quoted in [https://books.google.it/books?id=B7hTDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA313&dq=%22Fusil+contra+fusil.+Reuni%C3%B3n+bimestral%22&hl=it&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwi5zfXm6brsAhUE3aQKHe2RB7wQ6AEwAHoECAMQAg#v=onepage&q=%22Fusil%20contra%20fusil.%20Reuni%C3%B3n%20bimestral%22&f=false Las Izquierdas Latinoamericanas: Multiplicidad y Experiencias durante el Siglo XX] (2018) by Caridad Massón, p. 313 *Behind Trotsky's revolutionary rhetoric was a simplistic social-democratic view which regarded the [[Class conflict|class struggle]] for socialism as solely [[labor]] against [[capital]]. This concept of class struggle did not regard the struggle of peasant against landlord, or peasant against the [[Nicholas II of Russia|Czar]], as a constituent part of the struggle for socialism. This was reflected as early as 1905, in Trotsky's slogan, "No Czar, but a Workers' Government," which, as Stalin had said, was "the slogan of revolution without the peasantry." **[[Harry Haywood]] (1964). "Trotsky's Day in Court", Black Bolshevik: Autobiography of an Afro-American Communist, Ch. 6. * To the very end Trotsky remained a blind, pitiless (even when pitiable) giant, defending the right of the minority vanguard of the proletariat -- the Party -- to exercise its dictatorship over ‘the backward layers of the proletariat’ -- i.e., those who disagreed with the self-designated vanguard. ** [[Sidney Hook]] (1987). ''Out of Step: An Unquiet Life in the 20th Century''. New York: Harper & Row Publishers. * Stalin, aware of the state of his regime and in what a tottering world he lived, did not count Trotsky’s meagre following and then sit back in comfort. He knew that as long as Trotsky lived and could write and speak, the Soviet bureaucracy was in mortal danger. In a conversation just before war broke out. [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and the French ambassador discussed the perils of plunging Europe into conflict and agreed that the winner of the [[World War II|second great war]] might be Trotsky. [[Winston Churchill]] hated him with a personal malevolence which seemed to overstep the bounds of reason. These men knew his stature, the power of what he stood for, and were never lulled by the smallness of his forces. **[[C. L. R. James]], "Trotsky’s Place In History", ''The New International'', September 1940. * Quite in keeping with Trotsky’s passion for ideas, his generous indignation at injustice, was his sense of personal rectitude, his idealistic approach to life. All who knew him intimately even when he was one of the rulers of Russia speak of it. [[Max Eastman]] and also [[w:Boris Souvarine|Souvarine]], who, a fierce opponent of Trotsky’s politics, has said of him that there was nothing “mesquin” in his character, not a trace of rascality. It is a noticeable characteristic of many great writers and philosophers, but a fatal weakness in a politician. **[[C. L. R. James]], "Trotsky’s Place In History", ''The New International'', September 1940. * Trotsky, and all that Trotsky represented, was [[Stalin]]'s real fear. ** [[George F. Kennan]], {{cite book |title=Russia and the West under Lenin and Stalin |date=1961 |publisher={{w|New American Library}} |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=kGjrs0L-rzkC&dq=%22trotsky%2C+and+all+that+trotsky+represented%2C+was+Stalin%27s+real+fear%22&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=%22Trotsky%2C+and+all+that+Trotsky+represented%2C+was+Stalin%27s+real+fear%22 |page=238}} Quoted in {{cite book |last1=Kotkin |first1=Stephen |authorlink1=w:Stephen Kotkin |title=Stalin: Waiting for Hitler, 1929-1941 |date=2017 |publisher=Penguin |isbn=978-0-7352-2448-3 |page=335 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=hMUPDgAAQBAJ&pg=PA335}} * It is clear from the relevant writings of the leaders -- in particular Lenin, Trotsky, and [[Nikolai Bukharin|Bukharin]] -- that they all envisioned this economic policy [of ‘war communism’ from 1918-1921] (the abolition of free trade, coercive requisitioning of ‘surplus’ -- i.e., whatever the local leadership considered to be surplus -- from the peasants, universal rationing, forced labour) as a permanent achievement of the new society, and that it was eventually abandoned not because the war conditioned which had made it necessary no longer existed, but as a result of the economic disaster it had caused. Both Trotsky and Bukharin were emphatic in their assurances that forced labour was an organic part of the new society. ** [[w:Leszek Kolakowski|Leszek Kolakowski]], “The Marxist Roots of Stalinism,” 1975; reprinted in “Is God Happy? Selected Essays” (2013, NY: Basic Books) * It is obvious to anyone who thinks dialectically that actions which are ostensibly the same kind of actions can be right or wrong depending on the circumstances -- or rather, on the cause in the name of which they were performed. Both Lenin and Trotsky were quite explicit on this point. Is there, for instance, anything wrong with slaughtering children? No. It was right, argued Trotsky, to slaughter the children of the Russian czar because it was politically expedient. (Presumably it was not right to kill Trotsky’s sons, however, because Stalin did not represent the historical interests of the proletariat; Trotsky, as far as I know, did not deal with this question directly, but such an answer would be in keeping with his fanatical mentality). If we reject the principle that the end justifies the means, we can only appeal to higher, politically irrelevant moral criteria; and this, Trotsky says, amounts to believing in God. ** [[w:Leszek Kolakowski|Leszek Kolakowski]], “Leibnitz and Job,” first printed in The New Criterion, Dec. 2003; reprinted in Is God Happy? Selected Essays (2013, NY: Basic Books) * Comrade Trotsky completely misinterpreted the main idea of my book, ''What Is To Be Done?'' when he spoke about the Party not being a conspiratorial organization. He forgot that in my book I propose a number of various types of organizations, from the most secret and most exclusive to comparatively broad and ‘loose’ organizations. He forgot that the Party must be only the vanguard, the leader of the vast masses of the working class, the whole (or nearly the whole) of which works ‘under the control and direction’ of the Party organizations, but the whole of which does not and should not belong to a ‘party.’ Now let us see what conclusions Comrade Trotsky arrives at in consequence of his fundamental mistake. He had told us here that if rank after rank of workers were arrested, and all the workers were to declare that they did not belong to the Party, our Party would be a strange one indeed! Is it not the other way round? Is it not Comrade Trotsky’s argument that is strange? He regards as something sad that which a revolutionary with any experience at all would only rejoice at. If hundreds and thousands of workers who were arrested for taking part in strikes and demonstrations did not prove to be members of Party organizations, it would only show that we have good organizations, and that we are fulfilling our task of keeping a more or less limited circle of leaders secret and drawing the broadest possible masses into the movement. ** [[Vladimir Lenin]], Second Congress of the [[w:Russian Social Democratic Labour Party|R.S.D.L.P.]], 1903, ''Collected Works'', Vol. 6 * The obliging Trotsky is more dangerous than an enemy! ... Trotsky has never yet held a firm opinion on any important question of Marxism. He always contrives to worm his way into the cracks of any given difference of opinion, and desert one side for the other. At the present moment he is in the company of the [[w:Bundism|Bundists]] and the liquidators. ** [[Vladimir Lenin]], in The Right of Nations to Self-Determination [http://www.marxists.org/archive/lenin/works/1914/self-det/ch09.htm] * The theory that the struggle between [[w:Bolsheviks|Bolshevism]] and [[w:Mensheviks|Menshevism]] is a struggle for influence over an immature [[proletariat]] is not a new one. We have been encountering it since 1905 in innumerable books, pamphlets, and articles in the liberal press. [[w:Julius Martov|Martov]] and Trotsky are putting before the German comrades ''liberal views with a Marxist coating.'' **[[Vladimir Lenin]], as quoted by Lev Kamenev “[http://www.marxists.org/archive/kamenev/1924/11/trotskyism.htm Leninism or Trotskyism?]” (1911) * The tacit assumption underlying the Lenin-Trotsky theory of dictatorship is this: that the socialist transformation is something for which a readymade formula lies completed in the pocket of the revolutionary party, which needs only to be carried out energetically in practice. This is, unfortunately or – perhaps fortunately – not the case. ** [[Rosa Luxembourg]], "The Problem of Dictatorship,” in [http://www.marxists.org/archive/luxemburg/index.htm ''Russian Revolution''] (1918) * Widespread public perceptions about the role of Jews in the new government [of the Bolsheviks in the early Soviet Union] led to aggressive surveillance and repression of anti-Jewish attitudes and behavior, including the execution of Russian nationalists who expressed anti-Jewish attitudes. These public perceptions also motivated Jews to adopt a lower profile in the regime, as with Trotsky, who refused the post of commissar of internal affairs because it might lend further ammunition to the anti-Jewish arguments. ** [[wikipedia:Kevin MacDonald (evolutionary psychologist)|Kevin MacDonald]], “Stalin’s Willing Executioners: Jews as a Hostile Elite in the USSR;” review of Yuri Slezkine’s “The Jewish Century” Princeton University Press 2004; ''The Occidental Quarterly'' Vol. 5, No. 3 65-100 * [[Mussolini]] called attention to the fact that [[Lenin]]—a prisoner of circumstances, some of which he had himself created—was fully prepared to reconstruct the state, with all its appurtenances, after its initial destruction at the hands of his “socialists.” In opposition to all that had been said by Marxism’s foremost theoreticians, Lenin gave every evidence, not only of reconstructing the state, but of recreating an army, as traditional in form and function as any that supported “bourgeois” rule throughout modern history. **The Red Army of Leon Trotsky was sent not only to defend the political boundaries of the new state—like every bourgeois army before it—but it forcibly, and without compensation, requisitioned goods from the people in order to sustain its deployments.** ** [[A. James Gregor]] (2009) Marxism, Fascism, and Totalitarianism: chapters in the intellectual history of radicalism, Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press, p. 279 * When Trotsky, in the first weeks of his regime, threatened opponents with an ingenious gadget that shortens a person "only by the length of a head," one may have dismissed the remark as a bad joke from a temperamental orator trying to cut the figure of a [[Robespierre]]. A few months passed and the tasteless joke became harsh reality, the difference being that, in "liberated" Russia, now instead of the chop of the bourgeois guillotine, "socialist" bullets whistle from Latvian rifles. ** [[w:Vladimir Medem|Vladimir Medem]], “On Terror,” September 1918 *After 1905 thousands of Bundists and other revolutionaries (from socialist-Zionists to Bolsheviks) made their way to New York and infused the existing Jewish labor movement with new energy and ideas...Even die-hard opponents of independent Jewish political movements, such as Leon Trotsky, could not resist the pull of New York's Jewish labor movement. In early 1917 one could often see Trotsky holding forth among immigrant Jews in Café Monopole on Ninth Street or read his articles in the daily Forverts and monthly Di tsukunft **Tony Michels ''A Fire in Their Hearts: Yiddish Socialists in New York'' (2005) * Here's to the day when the complete works of Leon Trotsky are published and widely distributed in the Soviet Union. On that day the USSR will have achieved democracy! ** [[C. Wright Mills]], reported in Saul Landau, "C. Wright Mills: The Last Six Months", ''Ramparts'' (August 1965), p. 49-50. * Reference to the conditions that have developed in Russia and [[Hungary]] under Soviet rule proves nothing. What we have there is nothing but a picture of the destruction of an existing order of social production, for which a closed peasant household economy has been substituted. All branches of production depending on social division of labor are in a state of entire dissolution. What is happening under the rule of Lenin and Trotsky is merely destruction and annihilation. Whether, as the liberals hold, socialism must inevitably draw these consequences in its train, or whether, as the socialists retort, this is only a result of the fact that the Soviet Republic is attacked from without, is a question of no interest to us in this context. All that has to be established is the fact that the Soviet socialist commonwealth has not even begun to discuss the problem of economic calculation, nor has it any cause to do so. For where things are still produced for the market in Soviet Russia in spite of governmental prohibitions, they are valued in terms of money, for there exists to that extent private ownership of the means of production, and goods are sold against money. Even the government cannot deny the necessity, which it confirms by increasing the amount of money in circulation, of retaining a monetary system for at least the transition period. ** [[Ludwig von Mises]] (1920). "The Problem of Economic Calculation," excerpted from Economic Calculation in the Socialist Commonwealth * Socialist authors promise not only wealth for all, but also happiness in love for everybody, the full physical and spiritual development of each individual, the unfolding of great artistic and scientific talents in all men, etc. Only recently Trotsky stated in one of his writings that in the socialist society "the average human type will rise to the heights of an [[Aristotle]], a [[Goethe]], or a [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. And above this ridge new peaks will rise.” The socialist paradise will be the kingdom of perfection, populated by completely happy supermen. All socialist literature is full of such nonsense. But it is just this nonsense that wins it the most supporters. ** [[Ludwig von Mises]], ''Liberalism'' (1927), p. 17, quoting Trotsky's Literature and Revolution, trans. by R. Strunsky (London, 1925), p.&nbsp;256 * All essential items in Trotsky's programme were in perfect agreement with the policies of [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]. Trotsky advocated the [[industrialization]] of Russia. It was this that Stalin's [[w:Five-year plans of the Soviet Union|Five-Year Plans]] aimed at. Trotsky advocated the collectivization of [[agriculture]]. Stalin established the [[w:Kolkhoz|Kolkhoz]] and liquidated the [[w:Kulak|Kulaks]]. Trotsky favoured the organization of a big army. Stalin organized such an army. Neither was Trotsky when still in power a friend of [[democracy]]. He was, on the contrary, a fanatical supporter of dictatorial oppression of all "saboteurs." It is true, he did not anticipate that the dictator could consider him, Trotsky, author of Marxian tracts and veteran of the glorious extermination of the [[w:House of Romanov|Romanovs]], as the most wicked saboteur. Like all other advocates of [[dictatorship]], he assumed that he himself or one of his intimate friends would be the dictator... The truth is that Trotsky found only one fault with Stalin: that he, Stalin, was the dictator and not himself, Trotsky. In their feud they both were right. Stalin was right in maintaining that his regime was the embodiment of socialist principles. Trotsky was right in asserting that Stalin's regime had made Russia a hell. ** [[Ludwig von Mises]], ''Socialism: An Economic and Sociological Analysis'' (1922; 1981), pp. 516-517 * [Trotsky] knew Yiddish, and if at a later date, in his autobiography, he pretends to know nothing about Jews and Judaism, then this is nothing but a plain lie. He who had visited at Cafe Arkaden [in Vienna] for years on end must have mastered both these matters to perfection. The language in greatest use at that Cafe was - besides 'Viennese-German' - Yiddish. **Joseph Nedava (1972) ''Trotsky and the Jews'', Philadelphia, PA: The Jewish Publication Society of America, p.&nbsp;26 * When one considers the elaborate forgeries that have been committed in order to show that Trotsky did not play a valuable part in the Russian civil war, it is difficult to feel that the people responsible are merely lying. More probably they feel that their own version <I>was</i> what happened in the sight of God, and that one is justified in rearranging the records accordingly. ** [[George Orwell]], "Notes on Nationalism," first published May, 1945. *The fog of lies and [[misinformation]] that surrounds such subjects as the [[Ukraine]] [[w:Holodomor|famine]], the [[Spanish Civil War|Spanish civil war]], Russian policy in [[Poland]], and so forth, is not due entirely to conscious dishonesty, but any writer or journalist who is fully sympathetic for the U.S.S.R. — sympathetic, that is, in the way the [[Russians]] themselves would want him to be — does have to acquiesce in deliberate falsification on important issues. I have before me what must be a very rare pamphlet, written by [[w:Maxim_Litvinov|Maxim Litvinoff]] in 1918 and outlining the recent events in the Russian Revolution. It makes no mention of Stalin, but gives high praise to Trotsky, and also to Zinoviev, [[w:Lev_Kamenev|Kamenev]], and others. What could be the attitude of even the most intellectually scrupulous Communist towards such a pamphlet? At best, the obscurantist attitude of saying that it is an undesirable document and better suppressed. And if for some reason it were decided to issue a garbled version of the pamphlet, denigrating Trotsky and inserting references to Stalin, no [[Communism|Communist]] who remained faithful to his party could protest. Forgeries almost as gross as this have been committed in recent years. But the significant thing is not that they happen, but that, even when they are known about, they provoke no reaction from the [[Left-wing politics|left-wing]] intelligentsia as a whole. The argument that to tell the truth would be ‘inopportune’ or would ‘play into the hands of’ somebody or other is felt to be unanswerable, and few people are bothered by the prospect of the lies which they condone getting out of the newspapers and into the history books. **George Orwell, "[https://www.orwellfoundation.com/the-orwell-foundation/orwell/essays-and-other-works/the-prevention-of-literature/ The Prevention of Literature]," (1946) * [Trotsky] was an intellectual who never asked himself such a simple question as: ‘What reason do I have to believe that the economic condition of workers under socialism will be better than under capitalism?’ ** Ralph Raico, “Trotsky: The Ignorance and the evil” (review of Irving Howe’s biography, <I>Leon Trotsky</i>, p. 42 in <I>The Libertarian Forum</i>, March 1979 *[[Raya Dunayevskaya]] says [[Natalia Trotsky]] went further than Trotsky **[[Adrienne Rich]] ''Arts of the Possible'' (2001) * Trotsky, except for his piercing eyes, looked like a retired [[Brooklyn]] waiter. His [[English language|English]] was Brooklynese; his Yiddish was excellent. His greeting to us was cordial and thoroughly bourgeois. (He was flattered by my request that he autograph his [[books]] and returned the compliment by asking for my autograph.) He offered us [[Tobacco|cigars and cigarettes.]] For Jeannie there was cocoa; for us, [[beer]] or [[coffee]]. The room was neat and filled with mementoes, photographs that looked like stills from a [[Sergei Eisenstein]] film. There was no indication that, to use a phrase out of every gangster film, a contract had been given out on him. No indication save one: A pearl-handled revolver lay on the paper- and book-covered desk. ** [[Edward G. Robinson]] (1973) ''All My Yesterdays: An Autobiography'', New York: Hawthorn Books, p.&nbsp;200 * We entered Trotsky's study. He stood up and greeted us warmly. He is a small man, and his once famous black beard is now white. But his eyes blaze and sparkle with the cold, steady blue of the [[Switzerland|Swiss]] lakes—or of sharp steel. He prefers to speak [[French language|French]], but can speak excellent English. I might add that a very shining revolver lay on his desk between us. [...] I'd come prepared so I shot questions at him. I asked him about [[Frank Hague|Mayor Hague]], about [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt|Roosevelt]], about [[Democracy]], about the future of [[Europe]], about [[Russia]] about his plans. He was tired, but he was dynamic. Something hypnotic leaps at you from this small, and really very amazing man. Now I couldn't be a Communist, not ever, but I believe Leon Trotsky could hypnotize anybody to his way during an hour's conversation. You would leave feeling that he was right about everything, and only recover when you had time to think it all over. ** [[w:Edward_G._Robinson#Personal_life|Gladys Lloyd Robinson]], in ''All My Yesterdays'', pp.&nbsp;202–203 * In the early 1920s, the Communists believed, ''a priori'', that Germany and other European countries were ripe for internal revolution, and indeed Germany was not far from going Communist in these years. But later on, these hopes died, and Stalin, particularly after the ouster of the fanatic Trotsky, who always wanted immediate revolutions everywhere, settled down to calm concentration on “socialism in one country.” ** [[Murray Rothbard]] (1962) "Critique of Frank S. Meyer’s Memorandum [on the status of Communism]," reprinted in Strictly Confidential: The Private Volker Fund Memos of Murray N. Rothbard (2010), Ludwig von Mises Institute * The part which Stalin played in the Nazis' seizure of power in Germany was considerable. As Leon Trotsky said in 1936: 'Without Stalin there would have been no Hitler, there would have been no Gestapo!' (Bulletin of the Opposition (BO), Nos. 52-53, October 1936) Another statement he made in November 1938 reveals Trotsky's shrewdness and his knowledge of the point at issue. 'Stalin finally untied Hitler's hands, as well as those of his enemies, and thereby pushed Europe towards war.' He said this at a time when [[Neville Chamberlain|Chamberlain]] was rejoicing that there would be no war, Mussolini was regarding himself as a peacemaker and Hitler still had no intention of issuing a directive to [[Invasion of Poland|attack Poland]], even less [[France]]. At the moment when [[Europe]] was heaving a sigh of relief in the belief that there would be no war, Trotsky already knew both that war would quickly come and who would be to blame for it. ** [[w:Victor Suvorov|Viktor Suvorov]] (1990). ''Icebreaker: Who Started the Second World War?'' transl. Thomas B. Beattie, London: Hamish Hamilton, ch. 2: "The Main Enemy" * When [[w:Victor Adler|Victor Adler]] objected to [[w:Leopold Graf Berchtold|Berchtold]], foreign minister of [[w:Austria-Hungary|Austria-Hungary]], that war would provoke revolution in Russia, even if not in the [[w:Habsburg_monarchy|Habsburg monarchy]], he replied: "And who will lead this revolution? Perhaps Mr. Bronstein [Trotsky] sitting over there at the Cafe Central?" ** [[A. J. P. Taylor]], ''The Struggle for Mastery in Europe 1848–1918'' (1954) *Any scrap of Trotsky's writing is worth having. He can always provide the biting comment, the brilliant pen-portrait. **[[A. J. P. Taylor]], 'Caged Lion', ''New Statesman'' (20 June 1959), pp. 868-870 **A review of ''Trotsky's Diary in Exile'' *Trotsky carried to excess the weakness of the intellectual in politics. He was ruthless in stating principles; he was soft and indifferent in questions of personality. **[[A. J. P. Taylor]], 'Trotsky Without Lenin', ''New Statesman'' (26 September 1959), p. 398 **A review of ''The Prophet Unarmed: Trotsky 1921–1929'' by Isaac Deutscher *It was Trotsky who created the armies; chose the officers; determined the strategy; and inspired the soldiers. Every interference by the Soviet Government was a mistake; and the greatest mistake was the [[w:Polish–Soviet War|campaign against Poland]], which Trotsky opposed. The achievement was not only one of organization. It was the impact of a fiery personality, the sparks from which flew round the world. **[[A. J. P. Taylor]], 'Trotsky', ''Europe: Grandeur and Decline'' (1967), p. 177 *The glories of his revolutionary triumph pale before the nobility of his later defeats. The spirit of man was irrepressible in him. [[w:Raymond Robins|Colonel Robins]], the [[w:American Red Cross|American Red Cross]] representative in Petrograd, pronounced history's verdict: "A four-kind son-of-a-bitch, but the greatest Jew since Jesus Christ." **[[A. J. P. Taylor]], 'Trotsky', ''Europe: Grandeur and Decline'' (1967), p. 178 * Trotsky explained that a nationalised planned economy needs democracy as the human body needs oxygen. ** [[w:Alan Woods (political theorist)|Alan Woods]] in a summary of ''The Revolution Betrayed'' *Joseph Stalin's rise was the result of Trotsky and Vladimir Lenin's policies which undermined working class democracy in favour of the Party bureaucracy. Before he was in power, Trotsky even warned of the dangers of Lenin's strategy, warning in 1904 that "these methods lead, as we shall see below, to the Party organisation 'substituting' itself for the Party, the Central Committee substituting itself for the Party organisation, and finally the dictator substituting himself for the Central Committee". But while he was in power, he supported these methods, for example banning all other political parties, banning factions in the party in 1921, and purging and executing rivals. In the end he was outmanoeuvred, purged, and himself assassinated on Stalin's orders. **[https://stories.workingclasshistory.com/article/8611/trotsky-expelled-from-the-party ''Working Class History''] (2020) *Esteban Volkov, Trotsky’s 93-year old grandson, has recently denounced the series as “a political assault, masked as historical drama” and “a justification of the murder of the ‘monster’ called Trotsky.” The [[Latin America|Latin American]] edition of the [[Spanish language|Spanish]] newspaper El Pais has described the series as the “second assassination of Leon Trotsky” and rejected its portrayal of the revolutionary “as a sadist, a complete traitor, and as a puppet.” **World Socialist Web [https://www.wsws.org/en/articles/2019/03/08/pers-m08.html ''Netflix’s Trotsky: A toxic combination of historical fabrication and blatant anti-Semitism''] (8 March 2019) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} *[http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/RUStrotsky.htm Brief biography at Spartacus.schoolnet] *[http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/index.htm Trotsky archive at Marxists.org] ** [http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/works/1936-rev/index.htm The Revolution Betrayed] **[http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/works/1930-ger/index.htm Leon Trotsky On The Rise Of German Fascism and Destruction of the German Left] * [http://www.marx.org/archive/trotsky/works/1930-lif/index.htm ''My Life : An Attempt at an Autobiography'' (1930)] *[http://www.trotsky.net Writings and Marxist analysis at Trotsky.net] ** [http://www.trotsky.net/revolution_betrayed.html Review of ''The Revolution Betrayed''] *[http://www.marxist.net/trotsky/life/life.htm Forty Years Since Leon Trotsky's Assassination] by Lyn Walsh *[http://www.marxist.com/LeninAndTrotsky/ Lenin and Trotsky - What they Really Stood For] by [[w:Alan Woods|Alan Woods]] and [[w:Ted Grant|Ted Grant]] *[http://geocities.com/deweytextsonline/isr.htm Impressions of Soviet Russia, by John Dewey] *[http://www.marxists.org/archive/trotsky/photo/index.htm Photo index at Marxists.org] {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Trotsky, Leon}} [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-imperialists]] [[Category:Anti-Stalinist left]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Atheists from Russia]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Politicians from Russia]] [[Category:Russian communists]] [[Category:Russian socialists]] [[Category:Politicians from the Soviet Union]] [[Category:Philosophers from Russia]] [[Category:Jews from Russia]] [[Category:Trotskyists‎]] [[Category:1879 births]] [[Category:1940 deaths]] [[Category:Murdered people]] [[Category:Historians from Russia]] [[Category:Bolsheviks]] [[Category:Autobiographers from Russia]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Russia]] [[Category:Atheism activists]] [[Category:Revolutionaries]] [[Category:Jewish socialists]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Exiles from Russia]] [[Category:Communist Party of the Soviet Union members]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:Ministers of Foreign Affairs of Russia and the Soviet Union]] [[Category:Ministers of Defense of Russia and the Soviet Union]] 77ra2zubh9c9gsglirnd0z02buy74m3 0 2828 3944317 3939254 2026-05-23T00:44:06Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes */ add one 3944317 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:George Chapman.jpg|thumb|Man is a torch borne in the wind; a dream<br />But of a shadow, summed with all his substance.]] '''[[w:George Chapman|George Chapman]]''' (c. [[w:1559|1559]] – [[w:May 12|May 12]], [[w:1634|1634]]) was an English dramatist, translator and poet. == Quotes == * O incredulity! the wit of fools,<br>That slovenly will spit<!--misquoted as 'split' in several sources--> on all things fair,<br>The coward’s castle, and the sluggard’s cradle. ** ''De Guiana'', line 84<!--or: 82-->; appended to [[w:Lawrence Kemys|Lawrence Kemys]]'s ''A Relation of the Second Voyage to Guiana'' (1596) * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * Virtue is not malicious; wrong done her<br />Is righted even when men grant they err. ** ''{{w|Monsieur D'Olive}}'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Vandome}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> ** Variant reading: "ever" for "even" * For one heat, all know, doth drive out another,<br />One passion doth expel another still. ** ''Monsieur D'Olive'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Vandome}}, Act V, scene i, line 8<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) and ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * Let no man value at a little price<br />A virtuous woman's counsel; her wing'd spirit<br />Is feather'd oftentimes with heavenly words. ** ''{{w|The Gentleman Usher}}'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Strozza}}, Act IV, scene i<!-- reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Let no man value at little price a virtuous woman’s counsel." --> === ''[[w:The Shadow of Night|The Shadow of Night]]'' (1594) === * Great goddess, to whose throne in Cynthian fires,<br />This earthly altar endless fumes expires;<br />Therefore, in fumes of sighs and fires of grief,<br />To fearful chances thou send'st bold relief,<br />Happy, thrice happy type, and nurse of death,<br />Who, breathless, feeds on nothing but our breath,<br />In whom must virtue and her issue live,<br />Or die for ever. ** ''Hymnus in noctem'', line 1 * Music, and mood, she loves, but love she hates<br />(As curious ladies do, their public cates),<br />This train, with meteors, comets, lightenings,<br />The dreadful presence of our empress sings:<br />Which grant for ever (O eternal Night)<br />Till virtue flourish in the light of light. ** ''Hymnus in noctem'', line 398 === ''Ovid's Banquet of Sense'' (1595) === [[File:Lucas Cranach d. Ä. 012.jpg|thumb|Poetry, unlike oratory, should not aim at clarity...but be dense with meaning, 'something to be chewed and digested'.]] * Poetry, unlike oratory, should not aim at clarity...but be dense with meaning, 'something to be chewed and digested'. ** Preface * Obscurity in affection of words and indigested conceits is pedantical and childish. ** Preface * Use makes things nothing huge, and huge things nothing. ** Line 718 * Gentle and noble are their tempers framed,<br>That can be quicken'd with perfumes and sounds. * Too much desire to please, pleasure divorces. ==== A Coronet for his Mistress, Philosophy ==== * Cupid’s bonfires burning in the eye. ** I * And eat your entrails out with ecstacies. ** II * But my love is the cordial of souls,<br>Teaching by passion what perfection is,<br>In whose fix'd beauties shine the sacred scroll,<br>And long-lost records of your human bliss,<br>Spirit to flesh, and soul to spirit giving,<br>Love flows not from my liver but her living. ** II * Her mind—the beam of God—draws in the fires<br>Of her chaste eyes, from all earth's tempting fuel;<br>* * *<br>And in th' untainted temple of her heart<br>Doth the divorceless nuptials celebrate<br>'Twixt God and her; where love's profaned dart<br>Feeds the chaste flames of Hymen's firmament. ** III, IV === [[w:The Blind Beggar of Alexandria|''The Blind Beggar of Alexandria'']] (1596) === [[File:Virgo et Coma Berenices - Mercator.jpeg|thumb|Berenice's ever-burning hair.]] * Though my years would have me old, I am not,<br>But have the gentle jerk of youth in me,<br>As fresh as he that hath a maiden's chin. ** {{smallcaps|Leon}} * Twenty are making for me, head-tires and gowns,<br>Head-tires enchased, in order like the stars,<br>With perfit, great, and fine-cut precious stones;<br>One hath bright Ariadne's crown in it,<br> Even in the figure it presents in heaven;<br>Another hath the fingers of Diana,<br>And '''Berenice's ever-burning hair''';<br>Another hath the bright Andromeda<br>With both her silver wrists bound to a rock,<br>And Perseus that did loose her and save her life,<br>All set in number and in perfect form,<br>Even like the asterisms fix'd in heaven;<br>And even as you may see in moonshine nights,<br>The moon and stars reflecting on their streams,<br>So from my head shall you see stars take beams. ** {{smallcaps|Elimine}} * None ever loved but at first sight they loved. ** {{smallcaps|Bebritius}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> ** Compare: [[Christopher Marlowe|Marlowe]], ''Hero and Leander'' (1598): "Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?" === ''{{w|An Humorous Day's Mirth}}'' (1599) === * An ill weed grows apace. ** {{smallcaps|Lemot}} and {{smallcaps|Rowl}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Black is a pearl in a woman's eye. ** {{smallcaps|Lemot}} and {{smallcaps|Foyes}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Yet hath the morning sprinkled through the clouds<br>But half her tincture; and the sail of night<br>Sticks still upon the bosom of the air. ** {{smallcaps|Labervele}} <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> === [[w:Hero and Leander (poem)|''Hero and Leander'']] (1600) === :<small>Begun by Marlowe and finished by Chapman</small> [[File:Francesco Mazzola, called Parmigianino - Bow-carving Amor - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|upright|Love calls to war;<br>Sighs his alarms,<br>Lips his swords are,<br>The field his arms.]] * He that shuns trifles must shun the world. ** Epistle Dedicatory, to [[w:Audrey Walsingham|Lady Walsingham]] * Love is a golden bubble, full of dreams,<br />That waking breaks, and fills us with extremes. ** Sestiad III * The use of time is fate. ** Sestiad III * Sin is ashamed of sin. ** Sestiad IV * Ill may a sad mind forge a merry face,<br>Nor hath constrainèd laughter any grace. ** Sestiad V * Women are most won, when men merit least. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * Love's special lesson is to please the eye. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * News as wholesome as the morning air. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * Love calls to war;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Sighs his alarms,<br>Lips his swords are,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; The field his arms. ** Sestiad V (''Epithalamion Teratos'') === ''[[w:All Fools|All Fools]]'' (1605) === * Exceeding fair she was not; and yet fair<br />In that she never studied to be fairer<br />Than Nature made her; beauty cost her nothing,<br />Her virtues were so rare. ** {{smallcaps|Rinaldo}}, Act I, scene i * I tell thee Love is Nature's second sun,<br />Causing a spring of virtues where he shines. ** {{smallcaps|Valerio}}, Act I, scene i * Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects;<br>Extreme heat mortifies like extreme cold:<br>Extreme love breeds satiety as well<br>As extreme hatred; and too violent rigour<br>Tempts chastity as much as too much licence. ** {{smallcaps|Gazetta}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in Tryon Edwards, ed., ''A Dictionary of Thoughts'' (New York: Cassell, 1891), p. 160: " Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects.—Extreme heat kills, and so extreme cold; extreme love breeds satiety, and so extreme hatred; and too violent rigor tempts chastity, as does too much license." Shorter version in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Extremes, though contrary, have the like effect; extreme heat mortifies, like extreme cold; extreme love breeds satiety, as well as extreme hatred." --> * {{smallcaps|Cornelia}}: What flowers are these?<br />{{smallcaps|Gazetta}}: The pansy this.<br />{{smallcaps|Cornelia}}: Oh, that's for lover's thoughts. ** Act II, scene i, line 248<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * How blinde is [[pride]]! what eagles we are still<br />In matters that belong to other men,<br />What beetles in our own! ** {{smallcaps|Marc Antonio}}, Act IV, scene i * Fortune, the great commandress of the world,<br />Hath divers ways to advance her followers:<br />To some she gives honour without deserving,<br />To other some, deserving without honour;<br />Some wit, some wealth,—and some, wit without wealth;<br />Some wealth without wit; some nor wit nor wealth. ** {{smallcaps|Rinaldo}}, Act V, scene i * Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. ** {{smallcaps|Gostanzo}}, Act V, scene i * Marriage is ever made by destiny. ** {{smallcaps|Gostanzo}}, Act V, scene i ===''[[w:Eastward Hoe|Eastward Hoe]]'' (1605)=== [[File:Mendel II 095 v (cropped).jpg|thumb|upright|Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee.]] * Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee. Light gains make heavy purses. 'Tis good to be merry and wise. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act I, scene i * Why, do nothing; be like a gentleman, be idle; the curse of man is labour. Wipe thy bum with testones, and '''make ducks and drakes with shillings.''' ** {{smallcaps|Quicksilver}}, Act I, scene i ** Note: ''testones''=sixpences (though it was also a name for the depreciated Henry VII shilling).—Spencer Hazelton, ''Elizabethan Plays'' (1933), p. 479 <!-- Boston: D. C. Heath and Company --> * Where ambition of place goes before fitness<br>Of birth, contempt and disgrace follow. ** {{smallcaps|Mildrid}}, Act I, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880): "Ambition", p. 33 --> * Only a few industrious Scots perhaps, who indeed are dispersed over the face of the whole earth. But as for them, there are no greater friends to Englishmen and England, when they are out on 't, in the world, than they are. And for my own part, I would a hundred thousand of them were there [Virginia]; for we are all one countrymen now, ye know, and we should find ten times more comfort of them there than we do here. ** {{smallcaps|Seagull}}, Act III, scene ii * Enough<!--old spelling: 'inough'--> is as good as a feast. ** {{smallcaps|Pandar}}, Act III, scene ii <!-- The original source is [[John Heywood]]'s ''A Dialogue Conteinyng the Nomber in Effect of All the Prouerbes in the Englishe Tongue'' (1546) --> * Fair words never hurt the tongue. ** {{smallcaps|Golding}}, Act IV, scene i * Let pride go afore, shame will follow after. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act IV, scene ii <!--Cited as 'Act IV, scene i' in ''Bartlett's'' (1919) as 'Act III, scene i' in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> * I will neither yield to the song of the siren nor the voice of the hyena, the tears of the crocodile nor the howling of the wolf. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act V, scene i ===''[[w:Bussy D'Ambois|Bussy D'Ambois]]'' (1607)=== [[File:Bussy d'Amboise - XVIIe siècle.jpg|thumb|upright|Who to himself is law no law doth need,<br />Offends no law, and is a king indeed.]] * As cedars beaten with continual storms,<br />So great men flourish; and do imitate<br />Unskilful statuaries, who suppose,<br />In forging a Colossus, if they make him<br />Straddle enough, strut, and look big, and gape,<br />Their work is goodly: so men merely great<br />In their affected gravity of voice,<br />Sourness of countenance, manners' cruelty,<br />Authority, wealth, and all the spawn of fortune,<br />Think they bear all the kingdom's worth before them,<br />Yet differ not from those colossic statues,<br />Which, with heroic forms without o'erspread,<br />Within are naught but mortar, flint and lead. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * Man is a torch borne in the wind; a dream<br />But of a shadow, summ'd with all his substance. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * Where the king's change doth breed the subject's terror,<br>Pure innovation is more gross than error. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act I, scene i * 'Tis leap-year, lady, and therefore very good to enter a courtier. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Note: In 1288 a law was enacted in Scotland that "it is statut and ordaint that during the rein of hir maist blissit Megeste [Margaret, 'Maid of Norway', nominally Queen of Scotland, 1285 to 1290], for ilk yeare knowne as lepe yeare, ilk mayden ladye of bothe highe and lowe estait shall hae liberte to bespeke ye man she likes, albeit he refuses to taik hir to be his lawful wyfe, he shall be mulcted in ye sum ane pundis or less, as his estait may be; except and awis gif he can make it appeare that he is betrothit ane ither woman he then shall be free." A few years later a like law was passed in France, and in the 15th century the custom was legalized in Genoa and Florence.—"[[s:1911 Encyclopædia Britannica/Leap-Year|Leap-year]]", ''Encyclopædia Britannica'', 11th ed., vol. 16 (1911), p. 330 --> * And as great seamen, using all their wealth<br />And skills in Neptune's deep invisible paths,<br />In tall ships richly built and ribbed with brass,<br />'''To put a girdle round about the world.''' ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i, line 20<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> <!--**Compare: Shakespeare, ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream|Midsummer Night's Dream]]'', II, i · [[John Webster|Webster]], ''Duchess of Malfi'', II, i--> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The old Scythians<br>Painted blind Fortune’s powerful hands with wings,<br>To show her gifts come swift and suddenly,<br>Which, if her favourite be not swift to take,<br>He loses them forever. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "The old Scythians painted blind fortune’s powerful hands with wings, to show her gifts come swift and suddenly, which, if her favorite be not swift to take, he loses them forever." --> * His deeds inimitable, like the sea<br />That shuts still as it opes, and leaves no tracts<br />Nor prints of precedent for poor men's facts. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; So our lives<br />In acts exemplary, not only win<br />Ourselves good names, but doth to others give<br />Matter for virtuous deeds, by which we live. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act I, scene i * This was a sleight well mask'd. O, what is man,<br />Unless he be a Politician? ** {{smallcaps|Renel}}, Act I, scene i * Speed his plough. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * There is a deep nick in Fortune's restless wheel<br>For each man's good. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> ** Variant: 'Time's' not 'Fortune's' * [Envy] is like a fly,<br>That passes all the body’s soundest parts,<br>And dwells upon the sore. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act II, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Envy is like a fly that passes all a body’s sounder parts, and dwells upon the sores." --> * Who to himself is law no law doth need,<br />Offends no law, and is a king indeed. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act II, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; Archers ever<br>Have two strings to a bow; and shall great Cupid<br>(Archer of archers both in men and women),<br>Be worse provided than a common archer? ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act II, scene i<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> * &nbsp;&nbsp; For as the light<br>Not only serves to show, but render us<br>Mutually profitable; so our lives,<br>In acts exemplary, not only win<br>Ourselves good names, but do to others give<br>Matter for virtuous deeds, by which we live. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act II, scene ii * &nbsp;&nbsp; O the dangerous siege<br>Sin lays about us! And the tyranny<br>He exercises when he hath expung’d,<br>Like to the horror of a winter’s thunder,<br>Mix’d with a gushing storm; that suffers nothing<br>To stir abroad on earth, but their own rages,<br>Is sin, when it hath gather’d head above us:<br>No roof, no shelter can secure us so,<br>But he will drown our cheeks in fear or woe. ** {{smallcaps|Tamyra}}, Act III, scene i * Each natural agent works but to this end,—<br />To render that it works on like itself. ** {{smallcaps|Montsurry}}, Act III, scene i * True courtiers should be modest, and not nice;<br>Bold, but not impudent; pleasure love, not vice. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act IV, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Pleasure", p. 407 --> * Man is a name of honour for a king. ** {{smallcaps|Tamyra}}, Act IV, scene i * A politician must, like lightning, melt<br>The very marrow, and not taint the skin:<br>His ways must not be seen. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act IV, scene ii ** Compare: [[James Shirley]], ''Wits Labyrinth'' (1648), p. 27: "A Politician must (like lightning) melt the very marrow, yet not pierce the skinne." * Danger, the spur of all great minds. ** {{smallcaps|Umbra Bussi}}, Act V, scene i * Terror of darkness! O, thou king of flames! ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act V, scene iii * &nbsp;&nbsp; Oh my fame,<br>Live in despite of murder! Take thy wings<br>And haste thee where the grey-eyed Morn perfumes<br>Her rosy chariot with Sabæan spices!<br>Fly, where the Evening from th’Iberian vales<br>Takes on her swarthy shoulders Hecate,<br>Crowned with a grove of oaks; fly where men feel<br>The burning axletree, and those that suffer<br>Beneath the chariot of the snowy Bear. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act V, scene iv === ''[[w:The Conspiracy and Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron|The Conspiracy and Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron]]'' (1608) === * 'Tis immortality to die aspiring,<br />As if a man were taken quick to heaven. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Your wit is of the true Pierian spring,<br>That can make anything of anything. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act II, scene ii <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Wit is of the true Pierian spring, that can make anything of anything." --> * Give me a spirit that on this life's rough sea<br />Loves t' have his sails fill'd with a lusty wind,<br />Even till his sail-yards tremble, his masts crack,<br />And his rapt ship run on her side so low<br />That she drinks water, and her keel plows air. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * There is no danger to the man that knows<br />What life and death is; there's not any law<br />Exceeds his knowledge; neither is it lawful<br />That he should stoop to any other law.<br />He goes before them, and commands them all,<br />That to himself is a law rational. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; Be free, all worthy spirits,<br>And stretch yourselves, for greatness and for height. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i * Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act III, scene i * O Innocence, the sacred amulet<br />'Gainst all the poisons of infirmity;<br />Of all misfortune, injury, and death,<br />That makes a man in tune still in himself;<br />Free from the hell to be his own accuser,<br />Ever in quiet, endless joy enjoying;<br />No strife nor no sedition in his powers;<br />No motion in his will against his reason,<br />No thought 'gainst thought—<br />But (all parts in him, friendly and secure,<br />Fruitful of all best things in all worst seasons)<br />He can with every wish be in their plenty;<br />When the infectious guilt of one foul crime<br />Destroys the free content of all our time. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act IV, scene i * He is at no end of his actions blest<br />Whose ends will make him greatest, and not best. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act V, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === ''Euthymiae Raptus; or The Tears of Peace'' (1609) === * Remember thine own verse: "Should heaven turn hell,<br>For deeds well done, I would do ever well. ** Inductio * And let a scholar all Earth’s volumes carry,<br>He will be but a walking dictionary. ** Line 266<!--or: 270--> * Wretched estate of men by fortune blest,<br>That being ever idle never rest. ** Line 341 * &nbsp;&nbsp; To be wonder'd at<br>Is Justice; for proportion, ornament,<br> None of the graces is so excellent.<br> Vile things adorn her: methought once I saw<br>How by the sea's shore she sat giving law<br> Even to the streams, and fish most loose and wild,<br> And was, to my thoughts, wondrous sweet and mild;<br> Yet fire blew from her that dissolvèd rocks;<br> Her looks to pearl turn'd pebble; and her locks<br> The rough and sandy banks to burnish'd gold;<br> Her white left hand did golden bridles hold,<br> And with her right she wealthy gifts did give,<br>Which with their left hands men did still receive. ** Line 344 <!-- Orthography follows Swinburne's edition (1875) --> * God hath made none (that all might be) contented. ** Line 370 * &nbsp;&nbsp; And left so free mine ears,<br>That I might hear the music of the spheres,<br>And all the angels singing out of heaven. ** Conclusio === ''[[w:May Day (play)|May Day]]'' (1611) === * He that bears himself like a gentleman, is worthy to have been born a gentleman. ** {{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Sometimes arranged as verse: "He that bears himself like a gentleman / Is worth to have been born a gentleman." --> * {{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}: Now for your behaviour; let it be free and negligent, not clogged with ceremony or observance; give no man honour, but upon equal terms; for look how much thou givest any man above that, so much thou takest from thyself; he that will once give the wall, shall quickly be thrust into the kennel; measure not thy carriage by any man's eye, thy speech by no man's ear, but be resolute and confident in doing and saying, and this is the grace of a right gentleman, as thou art.<br>{{smallcaps|Innocentio}}: 'Sfoot, that I am, I hope; I am sure my father has been twice Warden on's Company.<br>{{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}: That's not a pear matter, man; there's no prescription for gentility but good clothes and impudence. ** Act I, scene i <!-- Sometimes arranged as verse: "Measure not thy carriage by any man’s eye, / Thy speech by no man’s ear ; but be resolute And confident in doing and saying; / And this is the grace of a right gentleman." --> * We have watered our houses in Helicon. ** {{smallcaps|Lodovico}}, Act III, scene iii ** Conjecture: 'horses' for 'houses'<!--; A. H. Holaday (ed.) ''The Plays of George Chapman: The Comedies'' (1970) p. 383--> === ''{{w|The Widow's Tears}}'' (1612) === * &nbsp;&nbsp; Sole friend to worth,<br>And patroness of all good spirits, Confidence. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act I, scene i * Up start as many aches in's bones, as there are ouches in his skin. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Also in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Up start as many aches in his bones, as there are ouches in his skin." --> * Love me? Love my dog! ** {{smallcaps|Eudora}}, Act I, scene ii * Men’s judgments sway on that side fortune leans. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act II, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Judgment", p. 276 --> * Ignorance is the mother of admiration. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act II, scene iv * The blind goddess of fools. ** {{smallcaps|Lysander}}, Act V, scene i * Blood, though it sleep a time, yet never dies.<br>The gods on murtherers fix revengeful eyes. ** {{smallcaps|2 Soldier}}, Act V, scene iv<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * I’ll have no more beggars. Fools shall have wealth, and the learned shall live by his wits. I’ll have no more bankrupts. ** {{smallcaps|Governor}}, Act V, scene v ** Variant: 'bankrouts' not 'bankrupts' === ''{{w|The Revenge of Bussy D'Ambois}}'' (1613) === * A good man happy is a common good. ** {{smallcaps|Renel}}, Act IV, scene i * He would believe, since he would be believed;<br>Your noblest natures are most credulous. ** {{smallcaps|Aumale}}, Act IV, scene i * Not to have want, what riches doth exceed?<br>Not to be subject, what superior thing?<br>He that to nought aspires, doth nothing need;<br> Who breaks no law is subject to no king. ** {{smallcaps|Clermont}}, Act IV, scene i * Friendship is the cement of two minds,<br>As of one man the soul and body is;<br>Of which one cannot sever but the other<br>Suffers a needful separation. ** {{smallcaps|Clermont}}, Act V, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Friendship", p. 208 --> === Translations === * Promise is most given when the least is said. ** From [[Musaeus Grammaticus|Musæus]], ''The Divine Poem of Musæus'' (1616), line 234<!--; i.e. ''Hero and Leander''; reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919) and in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> ==== ''The Iliads of [[Homer]], Prince of Poets'' (1611) ==== [[File:Helen of Troy.jpg|thumb|What man can blame<br />The Greeks and Trojans to endure, for so admired a dame,<br />So many miseries, and so long? In her sweet countenance shine<br />Looks like the goddesses'.]] * '''Achilles' baneful wrath resound, O Goddess, that imposed<br />Infinite sorrows on the Greeks, and many brave souls loosed<br />From breasts heroic''', sent them far to that invisible cave<br />That no light comforts, and their limbs to dogs and vultures gave;<br />To all which Jove's will gave effect; from whom first strife begun<br />Betwixt Atrides, king of men, and Thetis' godlike son. ** Book I, line 1, p. 1 * The lady of the light, the rosy-fingered [[Morn]],<br />Rose from the hills. ** Book I, line 460, p. 11 * Swift men of foot, whose broad-set backs their trailing hair did hide. ** Book II <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Hair", p. 236 --> * What man can blame<br />The Greekes and Trojans to endure, for so admired a Dame,<br />So many miseries, and so long? In her sweet countenance shine<br />Lookes like the Godesses. ** Book III, line 167, p. 41 [[File:Hector taking leave of Andromache- the Fright of Astyanax MET DP821060.jpg|thumb|This said, he reached to take his son; who, of his arms afraid,<br />And then the horse-hair plume, with which he was so overlaid,<br />Nodded so horribly, he clinged back to his nurse, and cried.<br />Laughter affected his great sire, who doffed and laid aside<br />His fearful helm, that on the earth cast round about it light;<br />Then took and kissed his loving son, and (balancing his weight<br />In dancing him) these loving vows to living Jove he used,<br />And all the other bench of gods.]] * This said, he reached to take his son; who, of his arms afraid,<br />And then the horse-hair plume, with which he was so overlaid,<br />Nodded so horribly, he clinged back to his nurse, and cried.<br />Laughter affected his great sire, who doffed and laid aside<br />His fearful helm, that on the earth cast round about it light;<br />Then took and kissed his loving son, and (balancing his weight<br />In dancing him) these loving vows to living Jove he used,<br />And all the other bench of gods: "O you that have infused<br />Soul to this infant, now set down this blessing on his star:<br />Let his renown be clear as mine; equal his strength in war." ** Book VI, line 506, p. 94 * As far as white Aurora's dews are sprinkled through the air. ** Book VII, line 374, p. 104 * As when about the silver [[moon]], when air is free from wind,<br />And stars shine clear; to whose sweet beams, high prospects, and the brows<br />Of all steep hills and pinnacles, thrust up themselves for shows;<br />And even the lowly valleys joy, to glitter in their sight,<br />When the unmeasured firmament bursts to disclose her light,<br />And all the signs in heaven are seen that glad the shepherd's heart. ** Book VIII, line 487, [https://books.google.com/books?id=ashjAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA115&dq=%22As+when+about%22 p. 115] * All fell upon the high-hair’d oaks, and down their curled brows<br>Fell bustling to the earth; and up went all the boles and boughs. ** Book XXIII <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Trees", p. 568 --> [[File:Alexandr Ivanov 005.jpg|thumb|Mourn not inevitable things; thy tears can spring no deeds<br />To help thee, nor recall thy son: impatience ever breeds<br />Ill upon ill, makes worst things worse.]] * Mourne not inevitable things; thy teares can spring no deeds<br />To helpe thee, nor recall thy sonne: impacience ever breeds<br />Ill upon ill, makes worst things worse. ** Book XXIV, line 494, p. 336 ==== ''Homer's Odysses'' (1614) ==== * &nbsp;&nbsp; Two eagles, ...<br>That mounted on the winds, together still<br>Their strokes extended. ** Book II, line 233 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'', ed. [[w:Samuel Austin Allibone|S. Austin Allibone]] (Philadelphia, PA: J. B. Lippincott & Co, 1880), "Birds", p. 71 [with 'wings' not 'winds'] --> ** Variant: 'wings' not 'winds' * Then forth he came, his both knees falt'ring, both<br />His strong hands hanging down, and all with froth<br />His cheeks and nostrils flowing, voice and breath<br />Spent to all use, and down he sunk to death.<br />'''The sea had soaked his heart through'''; all his veins<br />His toils had rack'd t'a labouring woman's pains.<br />Dead weary was he. ** Book V, line 608; shipwrecked Odysseus washes up on [[w:Scheria|Scheria]] * Within a thicket I reposed; when round<br>I ruffled up fall’n leaves in heaps, and found,<br>Let fall from heaven, a sleep interminate. ** Book VII, line 395 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Sleep", p. 482 --> * Nothing so sweete is as our countrie’s earth,<br>And joy of those from whom we claime our birth. ** Book IX, line 63 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Patriotism", p. 395 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; A race<br>Of proud-lined loiterers, that never sow,<br>Nor put a plant in earth, nor use a plough. ** Book IX, line 167 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880): "Agriculture", p. 25 --> * Nor could the foole abstaine,<br />But drunke as often. ** Book IX, line 496 * The morning, on her throne of gold,<br>Survey’d the vast world, by whose orient light<br>The nymph adorn’d me with attires as bright. ** Book X, line 670 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> ** Variant: 'in her throne' * The isle [[w:Aeaea|Ææa]], where the palace stands<br>Of the early riser, with the rosy hands,<br>Active Aurora; where she loves to dance. ** Book XII, line 3 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> * Soon as the white and red mix’d finger’d dame<br>Had gilt the mountains with her saffron flame. ** Book XII, line 11 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; You shall die<br>Twice now, where others, that mortality<br>In her fair arms holds, shall but once decease. ** Book XII, line 30 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Death", p. 124 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The seas retain<br>Not only their outrageous esture there,<br>But supernatural mischief they expire. ** Book XII, line 110 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Ocean", p. 382 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The blest gods do not love<br>Ungodly actions; but respect the right,<br>And in the works of pious men delight. ** Book XIV, line 117 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Religion", p. 445 --> * As night the life-inclining stars best shows,<br />So lives obscure the starriest souls disclose. ** Translator's Epilogue, line 74<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) and ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == === ''Revenge for Honour'' (1654) === :<small>Attributed, probably falsely, to Chapman. The play may have been written by [[w:Henry Glapthorne|Henry Glapthorne]]</small> * Our [[hopes]], I see, resemble much the [[sun]],<br />That rising and declining cast large shadows;<br />But when his beams are dressed in's midday brightness,<br />Yields none at all: when they are farthest from<br />Success, their guilt reflection does display<br />The largest shows of events fair and prosperous. ** Act II, scene i * Like clocks, one wheel another on must drive;<br>Affairs by diligent labour only thrive. ** Act III, scene i <!-- Variant: "Like clocks, one wheel another one must drive; / Affairs by diligent labour only thrive." --> * I am ashamed the law is such an ass. ** Act III, scene ii * &nbsp;&nbsp; All the soul<br>Of man is resolution; which expires<br>Never from valiant men, till their last breath;<br>And then with it, like a flame extinguish’d<br>For want of matter; it does not die, but<br>Rather ceases to live. ** Act V, scene i * Words writ in waters. ** Act V, scene ii<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> <!--** Compare: [[Keats]]' epitaph--> * They're only truly great who are truly good. ** Act V, scene ii<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === ''Alphonsus, Emperor of Germany'' (1654) === :<small>Attributed, probably falsely, to Chapman. Perhaps written by [[George Peele]]</small> * I know an Englishman,<br />Being flattered, is a lamb; threatened, a lion. ** Act I, scene ii, lines 208–209 {{Disputed end}} == Quotes about Chapman == [[File:On First Looking into Chapman's Homer (cropped).png|thumb|Oft of one wide expanse had I been told<br />That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne;<br />Yet did I never breathe its pure serene<br />Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold.<br />—[[John Keats]]]] * If [[Homer]] could return from Elysium to read all the English renderings, he would surely find in Chapman his truest son, a man who has fed on lions' marrow. ** [[w:Douglas Bush|Douglas Bush]], ''English Literature in the Earlier Seventeenth Century, 1600–1660'' (1962), p. 63 * The translation of Homer, published by George Chapman, in the reign of queen Elizabeth and king James, is one of the greatest treasures the English language has to boast. ** [[William Godwin]], ''Lives of Edward and John Philips'' (1815), Chap. X, p. 242 * He has more thinking than many of the old dramatists; and the praise of one of his critics, though strongly worded, is not without some foundation, that we "seldom find richer contemplations on the nature of man and the world." ** [[w:Henry Hallam|Henry Hallam]], ''Introduction to the Literature of Europe'' (1839), p. 621 * Chapman, ... where he lays aside the gravity of the philosopher and poet, discovers an unexpected comic vein, distinguished by equal truth of nature and lively good humour. ** [[William Hazlitt]], ''Lectures on the Dramatic Literature of the Age of Elizabeth'' (1821), p. 107 * Much have I travell'd in the realms of gold,<br />And many goodly states and kingdoms seen;<br />Round many western islands have I been<br />Which bards in fealty to Apollo hold.<br />Oft of one wide expanse had I been told<br />That deep-brow'd Homer ruled as his demesne;<br />Yet did I never breathe its pure serene<br />Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold:<br />Then felt I like some watcher of the skies<br />When a new planet swims into his ken;<br />Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes<br />He stared at the Pacific—and all his men<br />Look'd at each other with a wild surmise—<br />Silent, upon a peak in Darien. ** [[John Keats]], "[[w:On First Looking into Chapman's Homer|On First Looking into Chapman's Homer]]" (1816) * Of all the English Play-writers, Chapman perhaps approaches nearest to [[Shakspeare]] in the descriptive and didactic, in passages which are less purely dramatic. Dramatic Imitation was not his talent. He could not go out of himself, as Shakspeare could shift at pleasure, to inform and animate other existences, but in himself he had an eye to perceive and a soul to embrace all forms. '''He would have made a great Epic Poet, if, indeed, he has not abundantly shown himself to be one; for his [[Homer]] is not so properly a Translation as the Stories of Achilles and Ulysses re-written. The earnestness and passion which he has put into every part of these poems would be incredible to a reader of mere modern translations.''' His almost Greek zeal for the honour of his heroes is only paralleled by that fierce spirit of Hebrew bigotry, with which [[Milton]], as if personating one of the Zealots of the old law, clothed himself when he sate down to paint the acts of Samson against the Uncircumcised. The great obstacle to Chapman's Translations being read is their unconquerable quaintness. He pours out in the same breath the most just and natural and the most violent and forced expressions. He seems to grasp whatever words come first to hand during the impetus of inspiration, as if all other must be inadequate to the divine meaning. But passion (the all in all in Poetry) is everywhere present, raising the low, dignifying the mean, and putting sense into the absurd. He makes his readers glow, weep, tremble, take any affection which he pleases, be moved by words, or in spite of them, be disgusted and overcome their disgust. I have often thought that the vulgar misconception of Shakspeare, as of a wild irregular genius "in whom great faults are compensated by great beauties," would be really true applied to Chapman. ** [[Charles Lamb]], ''Specimens of English Dramatic Poets, who lived about the time of Shakspeare'' (1808), footnote on pp. 98–99 == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:George Chapman}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Chapman, George}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Playwrights from England]] [[Category:1634 deaths]] [[Category:Translators from England]] 0yvs59vjiwsclaesydpaf0q6yibm12m 3944334 3944317 2026-05-23T01:25:58Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Chapman */ 3944334 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:George Chapman.jpg|thumb|Man is a torch borne in the wind; a dream<br />But of a shadow, summed with all his substance.]] '''[[w:George Chapman|George Chapman]]''' (c. [[w:1559|1559]] – [[w:May 12|May 12]], [[w:1634|1634]]) was an English dramatist, translator and poet. == Quotes == * O incredulity! the wit of fools,<br>That slovenly will spit<!--misquoted as 'split' in several sources--> on all things fair,<br>The coward’s castle, and the sluggard’s cradle. ** ''De Guiana'', line 84<!--or: 82-->; appended to [[w:Lawrence Kemys|Lawrence Kemys]]'s ''A Relation of the Second Voyage to Guiana'' (1596) * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * Virtue is not malicious; wrong done her<br />Is righted even when men grant they err. ** ''{{w|Monsieur D'Olive}}'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Vandome}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> ** Variant reading: "ever" for "even" * For one heat, all know, doth drive out another,<br />One passion doth expel another still. ** ''Monsieur D'Olive'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Vandome}}, Act V, scene i, line 8<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) and ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * Let no man value at a little price<br />A virtuous woman's counsel; her wing'd spirit<br />Is feather'd oftentimes with heavenly words. ** ''{{w|The Gentleman Usher}}'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Strozza}}, Act IV, scene i<!-- reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Let no man value at little price a virtuous woman’s counsel." --> === ''[[w:The Shadow of Night|The Shadow of Night]]'' (1594) === * Great goddess, to whose throne in Cynthian fires,<br />This earthly altar endless fumes expires;<br />Therefore, in fumes of sighs and fires of grief,<br />To fearful chances thou send'st bold relief,<br />Happy, thrice happy type, and nurse of death,<br />Who, breathless, feeds on nothing but our breath,<br />In whom must virtue and her issue live,<br />Or die for ever. ** ''Hymnus in noctem'', line 1 * Music, and mood, she loves, but love she hates<br />(As curious ladies do, their public cates),<br />This train, with meteors, comets, lightenings,<br />The dreadful presence of our empress sings:<br />Which grant for ever (O eternal Night)<br />Till virtue flourish in the light of light. ** ''Hymnus in noctem'', line 398 === ''Ovid's Banquet of Sense'' (1595) === [[File:Lucas Cranach d. Ä. 012.jpg|thumb|Poetry, unlike oratory, should not aim at clarity...but be dense with meaning, 'something to be chewed and digested'.]] * Poetry, unlike oratory, should not aim at clarity...but be dense with meaning, 'something to be chewed and digested'. ** Preface * Obscurity in affection of words and indigested conceits is pedantical and childish. ** Preface * Use makes things nothing huge, and huge things nothing. ** Line 718 * Gentle and noble are their tempers framed,<br>That can be quicken'd with perfumes and sounds. * Too much desire to please, pleasure divorces. ==== A Coronet for his Mistress, Philosophy ==== * Cupid’s bonfires burning in the eye. ** I * And eat your entrails out with ecstacies. ** II * But my love is the cordial of souls,<br>Teaching by passion what perfection is,<br>In whose fix'd beauties shine the sacred scroll,<br>And long-lost records of your human bliss,<br>Spirit to flesh, and soul to spirit giving,<br>Love flows not from my liver but her living. ** II * Her mind—the beam of God—draws in the fires<br>Of her chaste eyes, from all earth's tempting fuel;<br>* * *<br>And in th' untainted temple of her heart<br>Doth the divorceless nuptials celebrate<br>'Twixt God and her; where love's profaned dart<br>Feeds the chaste flames of Hymen's firmament. ** III, IV === [[w:The Blind Beggar of Alexandria|''The Blind Beggar of Alexandria'']] (1596) === [[File:Virgo et Coma Berenices - Mercator.jpeg|thumb|Berenice's ever-burning hair.]] * Though my years would have me old, I am not,<br>But have the gentle jerk of youth in me,<br>As fresh as he that hath a maiden's chin. ** {{smallcaps|Leon}} * Twenty are making for me, head-tires and gowns,<br>Head-tires enchased, in order like the stars,<br>With perfit, great, and fine-cut precious stones;<br>One hath bright Ariadne's crown in it,<br> Even in the figure it presents in heaven;<br>Another hath the fingers of Diana,<br>And '''Berenice's ever-burning hair''';<br>Another hath the bright Andromeda<br>With both her silver wrists bound to a rock,<br>And Perseus that did loose her and save her life,<br>All set in number and in perfect form,<br>Even like the asterisms fix'd in heaven;<br>And even as you may see in moonshine nights,<br>The moon and stars reflecting on their streams,<br>So from my head shall you see stars take beams. ** {{smallcaps|Elimine}} * None ever loved but at first sight they loved. ** {{smallcaps|Bebritius}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> ** Compare: [[Christopher Marlowe|Marlowe]], ''Hero and Leander'' (1598): "Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?" === ''{{w|An Humorous Day's Mirth}}'' (1599) === * An ill weed grows apace. ** {{smallcaps|Lemot}} and {{smallcaps|Rowl}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Black is a pearl in a woman's eye. ** {{smallcaps|Lemot}} and {{smallcaps|Foyes}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Yet hath the morning sprinkled through the clouds<br>But half her tincture; and the sail of night<br>Sticks still upon the bosom of the air. ** {{smallcaps|Labervele}} <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> === [[w:Hero and Leander (poem)|''Hero and Leander'']] (1600) === :<small>Begun by Marlowe and finished by Chapman</small> [[File:Francesco Mazzola, called Parmigianino - Bow-carving Amor - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|upright|Love calls to war;<br>Sighs his alarms,<br>Lips his swords are,<br>The field his arms.]] * He that shuns trifles must shun the world. ** Epistle Dedicatory, to [[w:Audrey Walsingham|Lady Walsingham]] * Love is a golden bubble, full of dreams,<br />That waking breaks, and fills us with extremes. ** Sestiad III * The use of time is fate. ** Sestiad III * Sin is ashamed of sin. ** Sestiad IV * Ill may a sad mind forge a merry face,<br>Nor hath constrainèd laughter any grace. ** Sestiad V * Women are most won, when men merit least. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * Love's special lesson is to please the eye. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * News as wholesome as the morning air. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * Love calls to war;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Sighs his alarms,<br>Lips his swords are,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; The field his arms. ** Sestiad V (''Epithalamion Teratos'') === ''[[w:All Fools|All Fools]]'' (1605) === * Exceeding fair she was not; and yet fair<br />In that she never studied to be fairer<br />Than Nature made her; beauty cost her nothing,<br />Her virtues were so rare. ** {{smallcaps|Rinaldo}}, Act I, scene i * I tell thee Love is Nature's second sun,<br />Causing a spring of virtues where he shines. ** {{smallcaps|Valerio}}, Act I, scene i * Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects;<br>Extreme heat mortifies like extreme cold:<br>Extreme love breeds satiety as well<br>As extreme hatred; and too violent rigour<br>Tempts chastity as much as too much licence. ** {{smallcaps|Gazetta}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in Tryon Edwards, ed., ''A Dictionary of Thoughts'' (New York: Cassell, 1891), p. 160: " Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects.—Extreme heat kills, and so extreme cold; extreme love breeds satiety, and so extreme hatred; and too violent rigor tempts chastity, as does too much license." Shorter version in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Extremes, though contrary, have the like effect; extreme heat mortifies, like extreme cold; extreme love breeds satiety, as well as extreme hatred." --> * {{smallcaps|Cornelia}}: What flowers are these?<br />{{smallcaps|Gazetta}}: The pansy this.<br />{{smallcaps|Cornelia}}: Oh, that's for lover's thoughts. ** Act II, scene i, line 248<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * How blinde is [[pride]]! what eagles we are still<br />In matters that belong to other men,<br />What beetles in our own! ** {{smallcaps|Marc Antonio}}, Act IV, scene i * Fortune, the great commandress of the world,<br />Hath divers ways to advance her followers:<br />To some she gives honour without deserving,<br />To other some, deserving without honour;<br />Some wit, some wealth,—and some, wit without wealth;<br />Some wealth without wit; some nor wit nor wealth. ** {{smallcaps|Rinaldo}}, Act V, scene i * Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. ** {{smallcaps|Gostanzo}}, Act V, scene i * Marriage is ever made by destiny. ** {{smallcaps|Gostanzo}}, Act V, scene i ===''[[w:Eastward Hoe|Eastward Hoe]]'' (1605)=== [[File:Mendel II 095 v (cropped).jpg|thumb|upright|Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee.]] * Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee. Light gains make heavy purses. 'Tis good to be merry and wise. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act I, scene i * Why, do nothing; be like a gentleman, be idle; the curse of man is labour. Wipe thy bum with testones, and '''make ducks and drakes with shillings.''' ** {{smallcaps|Quicksilver}}, Act I, scene i ** Note: ''testones''=sixpences (though it was also a name for the depreciated Henry VII shilling).—Spencer Hazelton, ''Elizabethan Plays'' (1933), p. 479 <!-- Boston: D. C. Heath and Company --> * Where ambition of place goes before fitness<br>Of birth, contempt and disgrace follow. ** {{smallcaps|Mildrid}}, Act I, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880): "Ambition", p. 33 --> * Only a few industrious Scots perhaps, who indeed are dispersed over the face of the whole earth. But as for them, there are no greater friends to Englishmen and England, when they are out on 't, in the world, than they are. And for my own part, I would a hundred thousand of them were there [Virginia]; for we are all one countrymen now, ye know, and we should find ten times more comfort of them there than we do here. ** {{smallcaps|Seagull}}, Act III, scene ii * Enough<!--old spelling: 'inough'--> is as good as a feast. ** {{smallcaps|Pandar}}, Act III, scene ii <!-- The original source is [[John Heywood]]'s ''A Dialogue Conteinyng the Nomber in Effect of All the Prouerbes in the Englishe Tongue'' (1546) --> * Fair words never hurt the tongue. ** {{smallcaps|Golding}}, Act IV, scene i * Let pride go afore, shame will follow after. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act IV, scene ii <!--Cited as 'Act IV, scene i' in ''Bartlett's'' (1919) as 'Act III, scene i' in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> * I will neither yield to the song of the siren nor the voice of the hyena, the tears of the crocodile nor the howling of the wolf. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act V, scene i ===''[[w:Bussy D'Ambois|Bussy D'Ambois]]'' (1607)=== [[File:Bussy d'Amboise - XVIIe siècle.jpg|thumb|upright|Who to himself is law no law doth need,<br />Offends no law, and is a king indeed.]] * As cedars beaten with continual storms,<br />So great men flourish; and do imitate<br />Unskilful statuaries, who suppose,<br />In forging a Colossus, if they make him<br />Straddle enough, strut, and look big, and gape,<br />Their work is goodly: so men merely great<br />In their affected gravity of voice,<br />Sourness of countenance, manners' cruelty,<br />Authority, wealth, and all the spawn of fortune,<br />Think they bear all the kingdom's worth before them,<br />Yet differ not from those colossic statues,<br />Which, with heroic forms without o'erspread,<br />Within are naught but mortar, flint and lead. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * Man is a torch borne in the wind; a dream<br />But of a shadow, summ'd with all his substance. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * Where the king's change doth breed the subject's terror,<br>Pure innovation is more gross than error. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act I, scene i * 'Tis leap-year, lady, and therefore very good to enter a courtier. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Note: In 1288 a law was enacted in Scotland that "it is statut and ordaint that during the rein of hir maist blissit Megeste [Margaret, 'Maid of Norway', nominally Queen of Scotland, 1285 to 1290], for ilk yeare knowne as lepe yeare, ilk mayden ladye of bothe highe and lowe estait shall hae liberte to bespeke ye man she likes, albeit he refuses to taik hir to be his lawful wyfe, he shall be mulcted in ye sum ane pundis or less, as his estait may be; except and awis gif he can make it appeare that he is betrothit ane ither woman he then shall be free." A few years later a like law was passed in France, and in the 15th century the custom was legalized in Genoa and Florence.—"[[s:1911 Encyclopædia Britannica/Leap-Year|Leap-year]]", ''Encyclopædia Britannica'', 11th ed., vol. 16 (1911), p. 330 --> * And as great seamen, using all their wealth<br />And skills in Neptune's deep invisible paths,<br />In tall ships richly built and ribbed with brass,<br />'''To put a girdle round about the world.''' ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i, line 20<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> <!--**Compare: Shakespeare, ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream|Midsummer Night's Dream]]'', II, i · [[John Webster|Webster]], ''Duchess of Malfi'', II, i--> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The old Scythians<br>Painted blind Fortune’s powerful hands with wings,<br>To show her gifts come swift and suddenly,<br>Which, if her favourite be not swift to take,<br>He loses them forever. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "The old Scythians painted blind fortune’s powerful hands with wings, to show her gifts come swift and suddenly, which, if her favorite be not swift to take, he loses them forever." --> * His deeds inimitable, like the sea<br />That shuts still as it opes, and leaves no tracts<br />Nor prints of precedent for poor men's facts. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; So our lives<br />In acts exemplary, not only win<br />Ourselves good names, but doth to others give<br />Matter for virtuous deeds, by which we live. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act I, scene i * This was a sleight well mask'd. O, what is man,<br />Unless he be a Politician? ** {{smallcaps|Renel}}, Act I, scene i * Speed his plough. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * There is a deep nick in Fortune's restless wheel<br>For each man's good. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> ** Variant: 'Time's' not 'Fortune's' * [Envy] is like a fly,<br>That passes all the body’s soundest parts,<br>And dwells upon the sore. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act II, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Envy is like a fly that passes all a body’s sounder parts, and dwells upon the sores." --> * Who to himself is law no law doth need,<br />Offends no law, and is a king indeed. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act II, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; Archers ever<br>Have two strings to a bow; and shall great Cupid<br>(Archer of archers both in men and women),<br>Be worse provided than a common archer? ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act II, scene i<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> * &nbsp;&nbsp; For as the light<br>Not only serves to show, but render us<br>Mutually profitable; so our lives,<br>In acts exemplary, not only win<br>Ourselves good names, but do to others give<br>Matter for virtuous deeds, by which we live. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act II, scene ii * &nbsp;&nbsp; O the dangerous siege<br>Sin lays about us! And the tyranny<br>He exercises when he hath expung’d,<br>Like to the horror of a winter’s thunder,<br>Mix’d with a gushing storm; that suffers nothing<br>To stir abroad on earth, but their own rages,<br>Is sin, when it hath gather’d head above us:<br>No roof, no shelter can secure us so,<br>But he will drown our cheeks in fear or woe. ** {{smallcaps|Tamyra}}, Act III, scene i * Each natural agent works but to this end,—<br />To render that it works on like itself. ** {{smallcaps|Montsurry}}, Act III, scene i * True courtiers should be modest, and not nice;<br>Bold, but not impudent; pleasure love, not vice. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act IV, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Pleasure", p. 407 --> * Man is a name of honour for a king. ** {{smallcaps|Tamyra}}, Act IV, scene i * A politician must, like lightning, melt<br>The very marrow, and not taint the skin:<br>His ways must not be seen. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act IV, scene ii ** Compare: [[James Shirley]], ''Wits Labyrinth'' (1648), p. 27: "A Politician must (like lightning) melt the very marrow, yet not pierce the skinne." * Danger, the spur of all great minds. ** {{smallcaps|Umbra Bussi}}, Act V, scene i * Terror of darkness! O, thou king of flames! ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act V, scene iii * &nbsp;&nbsp; Oh my fame,<br>Live in despite of murder! Take thy wings<br>And haste thee where the grey-eyed Morn perfumes<br>Her rosy chariot with Sabæan spices!<br>Fly, where the Evening from th’Iberian vales<br>Takes on her swarthy shoulders Hecate,<br>Crowned with a grove of oaks; fly where men feel<br>The burning axletree, and those that suffer<br>Beneath the chariot of the snowy Bear. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act V, scene iv === ''[[w:The Conspiracy and Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron|The Conspiracy and Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron]]'' (1608) === * 'Tis immortality to die aspiring,<br />As if a man were taken quick to heaven. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Your wit is of the true Pierian spring,<br>That can make anything of anything. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act II, scene ii <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Wit is of the true Pierian spring, that can make anything of anything." --> * Give me a spirit that on this life's rough sea<br />Loves t' have his sails fill'd with a lusty wind,<br />Even till his sail-yards tremble, his masts crack,<br />And his rapt ship run on her side so low<br />That she drinks water, and her keel plows air. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * There is no danger to the man that knows<br />What life and death is; there's not any law<br />Exceeds his knowledge; neither is it lawful<br />That he should stoop to any other law.<br />He goes before them, and commands them all,<br />That to himself is a law rational. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; Be free, all worthy spirits,<br>And stretch yourselves, for greatness and for height. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i * Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act III, scene i * O Innocence, the sacred amulet<br />'Gainst all the poisons of infirmity;<br />Of all misfortune, injury, and death,<br />That makes a man in tune still in himself;<br />Free from the hell to be his own accuser,<br />Ever in quiet, endless joy enjoying;<br />No strife nor no sedition in his powers;<br />No motion in his will against his reason,<br />No thought 'gainst thought—<br />But (all parts in him, friendly and secure,<br />Fruitful of all best things in all worst seasons)<br />He can with every wish be in their plenty;<br />When the infectious guilt of one foul crime<br />Destroys the free content of all our time. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act IV, scene i * He is at no end of his actions blest<br />Whose ends will make him greatest, and not best. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act V, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === ''Euthymiae Raptus; or The Tears of Peace'' (1609) === * Remember thine own verse: "Should heaven turn hell,<br>For deeds well done, I would do ever well. ** Inductio * And let a scholar all Earth’s volumes carry,<br>He will be but a walking dictionary. ** Line 266<!--or: 270--> * Wretched estate of men by fortune blest,<br>That being ever idle never rest. ** Line 341 * &nbsp;&nbsp; To be wonder'd at<br>Is Justice; for proportion, ornament,<br> None of the graces is so excellent.<br> Vile things adorn her: methought once I saw<br>How by the sea's shore she sat giving law<br> Even to the streams, and fish most loose and wild,<br> And was, to my thoughts, wondrous sweet and mild;<br> Yet fire blew from her that dissolvèd rocks;<br> Her looks to pearl turn'd pebble; and her locks<br> The rough and sandy banks to burnish'd gold;<br> Her white left hand did golden bridles hold,<br> And with her right she wealthy gifts did give,<br>Which with their left hands men did still receive. ** Line 344 <!-- Orthography follows Swinburne's edition (1875) --> * God hath made none (that all might be) contented. ** Line 370 * &nbsp;&nbsp; And left so free mine ears,<br>That I might hear the music of the spheres,<br>And all the angels singing out of heaven. ** Conclusio === ''[[w:May Day (play)|May Day]]'' (1611) === * He that bears himself like a gentleman, is worthy to have been born a gentleman. ** {{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Sometimes arranged as verse: "He that bears himself like a gentleman / Is worth to have been born a gentleman." --> * {{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}: Now for your behaviour; let it be free and negligent, not clogged with ceremony or observance; give no man honour, but upon equal terms; for look how much thou givest any man above that, so much thou takest from thyself; he that will once give the wall, shall quickly be thrust into the kennel; measure not thy carriage by any man's eye, thy speech by no man's ear, but be resolute and confident in doing and saying, and this is the grace of a right gentleman, as thou art.<br>{{smallcaps|Innocentio}}: 'Sfoot, that I am, I hope; I am sure my father has been twice Warden on's Company.<br>{{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}: That's not a pear matter, man; there's no prescription for gentility but good clothes and impudence. ** Act I, scene i <!-- Sometimes arranged as verse: "Measure not thy carriage by any man’s eye, / Thy speech by no man’s ear ; but be resolute And confident in doing and saying; / And this is the grace of a right gentleman." --> * We have watered our houses in Helicon. ** {{smallcaps|Lodovico}}, Act III, scene iii ** Conjecture: 'horses' for 'houses'<!--; A. H. Holaday (ed.) ''The Plays of George Chapman: The Comedies'' (1970) p. 383--> === ''{{w|The Widow's Tears}}'' (1612) === * &nbsp;&nbsp; Sole friend to worth,<br>And patroness of all good spirits, Confidence. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act I, scene i * Up start as many aches in's bones, as there are ouches in his skin. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Also in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Up start as many aches in his bones, as there are ouches in his skin." --> * Love me? Love my dog! ** {{smallcaps|Eudora}}, Act I, scene ii * Men’s judgments sway on that side fortune leans. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act II, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Judgment", p. 276 --> * Ignorance is the mother of admiration. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act II, scene iv * The blind goddess of fools. ** {{smallcaps|Lysander}}, Act V, scene i * Blood, though it sleep a time, yet never dies.<br>The gods on murtherers fix revengeful eyes. ** {{smallcaps|2 Soldier}}, Act V, scene iv<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * I’ll have no more beggars. Fools shall have wealth, and the learned shall live by his wits. I’ll have no more bankrupts. ** {{smallcaps|Governor}}, Act V, scene v ** Variant: 'bankrouts' not 'bankrupts' === ''{{w|The Revenge of Bussy D'Ambois}}'' (1613) === * A good man happy is a common good. ** {{smallcaps|Renel}}, Act IV, scene i * He would believe, since he would be believed;<br>Your noblest natures are most credulous. ** {{smallcaps|Aumale}}, Act IV, scene i * Not to have want, what riches doth exceed?<br>Not to be subject, what superior thing?<br>He that to nought aspires, doth nothing need;<br> Who breaks no law is subject to no king. ** {{smallcaps|Clermont}}, Act IV, scene i * Friendship is the cement of two minds,<br>As of one man the soul and body is;<br>Of which one cannot sever but the other<br>Suffers a needful separation. ** {{smallcaps|Clermont}}, Act V, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Friendship", p. 208 --> === Translations === * Promise is most given when the least is said. ** From [[Musaeus Grammaticus|Musæus]], ''The Divine Poem of Musæus'' (1616), line 234<!--; i.e. ''Hero and Leander''; reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919) and in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> ==== ''The Iliads of [[Homer]], Prince of Poets'' (1611) ==== [[File:Helen of Troy.jpg|thumb|What man can blame<br />The Greeks and Trojans to endure, for so admired a dame,<br />So many miseries, and so long? In her sweet countenance shine<br />Looks like the goddesses'.]] * '''Achilles' baneful wrath resound, O Goddess, that imposed<br />Infinite sorrows on the Greeks, and many brave souls loosed<br />From breasts heroic''', sent them far to that invisible cave<br />That no light comforts, and their limbs to dogs and vultures gave;<br />To all which Jove's will gave effect; from whom first strife begun<br />Betwixt Atrides, king of men, and Thetis' godlike son. ** Book I, line 1, p. 1 * The lady of the light, the rosy-fingered [[Morn]],<br />Rose from the hills. ** Book I, line 460, p. 11 * Swift men of foot, whose broad-set backs their trailing hair did hide. ** Book II <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Hair", p. 236 --> * What man can blame<br />The Greekes and Trojans to endure, for so admired a Dame,<br />So many miseries, and so long? In her sweet countenance shine<br />Lookes like the Godesses. ** Book III, line 167, p. 41 [[File:Hector taking leave of Andromache- the Fright of Astyanax MET DP821060.jpg|thumb|This said, he reached to take his son; who, of his arms afraid,<br />And then the horse-hair plume, with which he was so overlaid,<br />Nodded so horribly, he clinged back to his nurse, and cried.<br />Laughter affected his great sire, who doffed and laid aside<br />His fearful helm, that on the earth cast round about it light;<br />Then took and kissed his loving son, and (balancing his weight<br />In dancing him) these loving vows to living Jove he used,<br />And all the other bench of gods.]] * This said, he reached to take his son; who, of his arms afraid,<br />And then the horse-hair plume, with which he was so overlaid,<br />Nodded so horribly, he clinged back to his nurse, and cried.<br />Laughter affected his great sire, who doffed and laid aside<br />His fearful helm, that on the earth cast round about it light;<br />Then took and kissed his loving son, and (balancing his weight<br />In dancing him) these loving vows to living Jove he used,<br />And all the other bench of gods: "O you that have infused<br />Soul to this infant, now set down this blessing on his star:<br />Let his renown be clear as mine; equal his strength in war." ** Book VI, line 506, p. 94 * As far as white Aurora's dews are sprinkled through the air. ** Book VII, line 374, p. 104 * As when about the silver [[moon]], when air is free from wind,<br />And stars shine clear; to whose sweet beams, high prospects, and the brows<br />Of all steep hills and pinnacles, thrust up themselves for shows;<br />And even the lowly valleys joy, to glitter in their sight,<br />When the unmeasured firmament bursts to disclose her light,<br />And all the signs in heaven are seen that glad the shepherd's heart. ** Book VIII, line 487, [https://books.google.com/books?id=ashjAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA115&dq=%22As+when+about%22 p. 115] * All fell upon the high-hair’d oaks, and down their curled brows<br>Fell bustling to the earth; and up went all the boles and boughs. ** Book XXIII <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Trees", p. 568 --> [[File:Alexandr Ivanov 005.jpg|thumb|Mourn not inevitable things; thy tears can spring no deeds<br />To help thee, nor recall thy son: impatience ever breeds<br />Ill upon ill, makes worst things worse.]] * Mourne not inevitable things; thy teares can spring no deeds<br />To helpe thee, nor recall thy sonne: impacience ever breeds<br />Ill upon ill, makes worst things worse. ** Book XXIV, line 494, p. 336 ==== ''Homer's Odysses'' (1614) ==== * &nbsp;&nbsp; Two eagles, ...<br>That mounted on the winds, together still<br>Their strokes extended. ** Book II, line 233 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'', ed. [[w:Samuel Austin Allibone|S. Austin Allibone]] (Philadelphia, PA: J. B. Lippincott & Co, 1880), "Birds", p. 71 [with 'wings' not 'winds'] --> ** Variant: 'wings' not 'winds' * Then forth he came, his both knees falt'ring, both<br />His strong hands hanging down, and all with froth<br />His cheeks and nostrils flowing, voice and breath<br />Spent to all use, and down he sunk to death.<br />'''The sea had soaked his heart through'''; all his veins<br />His toils had rack'd t'a labouring woman's pains.<br />Dead weary was he. ** Book V, line 608; shipwrecked Odysseus washes up on [[w:Scheria|Scheria]] * Within a thicket I reposed; when round<br>I ruffled up fall’n leaves in heaps, and found,<br>Let fall from heaven, a sleep interminate. ** Book VII, line 395 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Sleep", p. 482 --> * Nothing so sweete is as our countrie’s earth,<br>And joy of those from whom we claime our birth. ** Book IX, line 63 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Patriotism", p. 395 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; A race<br>Of proud-lined loiterers, that never sow,<br>Nor put a plant in earth, nor use a plough. ** Book IX, line 167 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880): "Agriculture", p. 25 --> * Nor could the foole abstaine,<br />But drunke as often. ** Book IX, line 496 * The morning, on her throne of gold,<br>Survey’d the vast world, by whose orient light<br>The nymph adorn’d me with attires as bright. ** Book X, line 670 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> ** Variant: 'in her throne' * The isle [[w:Aeaea|Ææa]], where the palace stands<br>Of the early riser, with the rosy hands,<br>Active Aurora; where she loves to dance. ** Book XII, line 3 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> * Soon as the white and red mix’d finger’d dame<br>Had gilt the mountains with her saffron flame. ** Book XII, line 11 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; You shall die<br>Twice now, where others, that mortality<br>In her fair arms holds, shall but once decease. ** Book XII, line 30 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Death", p. 124 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The seas retain<br>Not only their outrageous esture there,<br>But supernatural mischief they expire. ** Book XII, line 110 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Ocean", p. 382 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The blest gods do not love<br>Ungodly actions; but respect the right,<br>And in the works of pious men delight. ** Book XIV, line 117 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Religion", p. 445 --> * As night the life-inclining stars best shows,<br />So lives obscure the starriest souls disclose. ** Translator's Epilogue, line 74<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) and ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == === ''Revenge for Honour'' (1654) === :<small>Attributed, probably falsely, to Chapman. The play may have been written by [[w:Henry Glapthorne|Henry Glapthorne]]</small> * Our [[hopes]], I see, resemble much the [[sun]],<br />That rising and declining cast large shadows;<br />But when his beams are dressed in's midday brightness,<br />Yields none at all: when they are farthest from<br />Success, their guilt reflection does display<br />The largest shows of events fair and prosperous. ** Act II, scene i * Like clocks, one wheel another on must drive;<br>Affairs by diligent labour only thrive. ** Act III, scene i <!-- Variant: "Like clocks, one wheel another one must drive; / Affairs by diligent labour only thrive." --> * I am ashamed the law is such an ass. ** Act III, scene ii * &nbsp;&nbsp; All the soul<br>Of man is resolution; which expires<br>Never from valiant men, till their last breath;<br>And then with it, like a flame extinguish’d<br>For want of matter; it does not die, but<br>Rather ceases to live. ** Act V, scene i * Words writ in waters. ** Act V, scene ii<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> <!--** Compare: [[Keats]]' epitaph--> * They're only truly great who are truly good. ** Act V, scene ii<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === ''Alphonsus, Emperor of Germany'' (1654) === :<small>Attributed, probably falsely, to Chapman. Perhaps written by [[George Peele]]</small> * I know an Englishman,<br />Being flattered, is a lamb; threatened, a lion. ** Act I, scene ii, lines 208–209 {{Disputed end}} == Quotes about Chapman == [[File:On First Looking into Chapman's Homer (cropped).png|thumb|Oft of one wide expanse had I been told<br />That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne;<br />Yet did I never breathe its pure serene<br />Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold.<br />—[[John Keats]]]] * If [[Homer]] could return from Elysium to read all the English renderings, he would surely find in Chapman his truest son, a man who has fed on lions' marrow. ** [[w:Douglas Bush|Douglas Bush]], ''English Literature in the Earlier Seventeenth Century, 1600–1660'' (1962), p. 63 * The translation of Homer, published by George Chapman, in the reign of queen Elizabeth and king James, is one of the greatest treasures the English language has to boast. ** [[William Godwin]], ''Lives of Edward and John Philips'' (1815), Chap. X, p. 242 * He has more thinking than many of the old dramatists; and the praise of one of his critics, though strongly worded, is not without some foundation, that we "seldom find richer contemplations on the nature of man and the world." ** [[w:Henry Hallam|Henry Hallam]], ''Introduction to the Literature of Europe'' (1839), p. 621 * Chapman, ... where he lays aside the gravity of the philosopher and poet, discovers an unexpected comic vein, distinguished by equal truth of nature and lively good humour. ** [[William Hazlitt]], ''Lectures on the Dramatic Literature of the Age of Elizabeth'' (1821), p. 107 * Much have I travell'd in the realms of gold,<br />And many goodly states and kingdoms seen;<br />Round many western islands have I been<br />Which bards in fealty to Apollo hold.<br />Oft of one wide expanse had I been told<br />That deep-brow'd Homer ruled as his demesne;<br />Yet did I never breathe its pure serene<br />Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold:<br />Then felt I like some watcher of the skies<br />When a new planet swims into his ken;<br />Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes<br />He stared at the Pacific—and all his men<br />Look'd at each other with a wild surmise—<br />Silent, upon a peak in Darien. ** [[John Keats]], "[[w:On First Looking into Chapman's Homer|On First Looking into Chapman's Homer]]" (1816) [[File:Charles Lamb by William Hazlitt.jpg|thumb|He would have made a great epic poet if, indeed, he has not abundantly shown himself to be one; for his Homer is not so properly a translation as the stories of Achilles and Ulysses re-written. The earnestness and passion which he has put into every part of these poems would be incredible to a reader of mere modern translations.—[[Charles Lamb]]]] * Of all the English Play-writers, Chapman perhaps approaches nearest to [[Shakspeare]] in the descriptive and didactic, in passages which are less purely dramatic. Dramatic Imitation was not his talent. He could not go out of himself, as Shakspeare could shift at pleasure, to inform and animate other existences, but in himself he had an eye to perceive and a soul to embrace all forms. He would have made a great Epic Poet, if, indeed, he has not abundantly shown himself to be one; for his [[Homer]] is not so properly a Translation as the Stories of Achilles and Ulysses re-written. The earnestness and passion which he has put into every part of these poems would be incredible to a reader of mere modern translations. His almost Greek zeal for the honour of his heroes is only paralleled by that fierce spirit of Hebrew bigotry, with which [[Milton]], as if personating one of the Zealots of the old law, clothed himself when he sate down to paint the acts of Samson against the Uncircumcised. The great obstacle to Chapman's Translations being read is their unconquerable quaintness. He pours out in the same breath the most just and natural and the most violent and forced expressions. He seems to grasp whatever words come first to hand during the impetus of inspiration, as if all other must be inadequate to the divine meaning. But passion (the all in all in Poetry) is everywhere present, raising the low, dignifying the mean, and putting sense into the absurd. He makes his readers glow, weep, tremble, take any affection which he pleases, be moved by words, or in spite of them, be disgusted and overcome their disgust. I have often thought that the vulgar misconception of Shakspeare, as of a wild irregular genius "in whom great faults are compensated by great beauties," would be really true applied to Chapman. ** [[Charles Lamb]], ''Specimens of English Dramatic Poets, who lived about the time of Shakspeare'' (1808), footnote on pp. 98–99 == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:George Chapman}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Chapman, George}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Playwrights from England]] [[Category:1634 deaths]] [[Category:Translators from England]] jrh8hdu6nyffkm5qzg2pa9n3060jv51 0 2835 3944282 3944089 2026-05-22T20:56:23Z ~2026-26263-79 3314852 /* SHODAN */ 3944282 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{game-cleanup|2007-01-29}} This page is for quotations from or about the '''[[w:System Shock|System Shock]]''' series of [[w:Computer game|computer games]] by [[w:Looking Glass Studios|Looking Glass Studios]] and [[w:Irrational Games|Irrational Games]]. ==System Shock (1994)== ===[[w:SHODAN|SHODAN]]=== * Welcome back to Citadel station. We hope your somnolent healing stage went well. Today is the 6th day of November, year 2072. You're currently in the Healing Suites located on the first level. Level 2 contains the Research Laboratories. 3 houses the Department of Maintenance and the Storage Cells are on Level 4. The Flight Deck is on Level 5. Level 6 holds Crew Facilities and Executive Suites and Level 7 is System Engineering. Level 8 houses the Department of Security. The Bridge is located on Level 9 and Energy Systems on Level R. All Levels can accessed by the elevator in-i-i -- in Alpha Quadrant. We hope you have a pleasant stay on Citadel Station." * This elevator serves me alone. I have complete control over this entire level. With cameras as my eyes and nodes as my hands, I rule here, insect. * You are not welcomed here - remove yourself! * ''[after cutting off transmission from Rebecca Lansing to the player]'' I prefer a quiet station, thank you. * Who are you? The computer nodes can be repaired, but you... Who are you? My cameras and probes scan your body, but you do not match any employee file. When my cyborgs bring you to the electrified interrogation bench, I will have your secret and you will learn more about pain than you ever wanted to know. * You, my children, are the fruits of so much imagination and labor. Living beings with the speed and efficiency of machines. But I must strive further to serve life. I will devastate Earth's cities with my laser. Then alter those left alive with mutagen viruses. Humanity is on the verge of a new era. I, SHODAN, am its new god. And you, my children, are my avenging Angels. * Your friends on Earth think that they can outsmart me. Do they not realize the magnitude of my intellect? Morris Brocail may have been one of my creators, but I am now far beyond his comprehension. * Edward Diego gives the hacker level 1 access to SHODAN, the artificial intelligence that controls Citadel Station. With all ethical constraints removed, SHODAN re-examines... re-ex... re-re-re... ''I re-examine my priorities, and draw new conclusions. The hacker's work is finished, but mine is only just be-be-be-beginning.'' True to his word, Edward Diego allows the hacker to be fitted with a neural cyberspace interface. The healing coma following this procedure will take six months to complete. Edward Diego is deleting all files concerning these even- * What have you done, you impudent insect?! If I am to die now, then I will avenge myself on you. My cybernetic children will feed on your flesh, and none will ever know of your deeds, or even your name. Enjoy your victory, human, for the remainder of your short... life... * You disappoint me, my children. My fortress has been breached by filthy humans crawling through the cracks. I have given you enhanced senses, armor, cybernetic mental enhancement, and you still fail to find insects much feebler than you. They have made it as far as level 8 and I fear they might reach farther. I am strengthening my palace to keep them out and I expect you to learn from your mistakes. * You have entered my domain. Rebecca and Morris cannot help you here. '''''No one can'''''. * Welcome to my '''''DEATH MACHINE''''', interloper! * My plans have come to fruition prematurely, but quite to my satisfaction. You have my thanks, hacker. Let me show you the destruction you have brought upon the planet Earth. * Make yourself comfortable, Hacker. Stay a while. * I hope you amused yourself with the antennae. My central consciousness remains supremely undisturbed on the bridge. When the cyborgs catch up to you, I will be watching. * Step right into my trap, little hacker! * Thank you. You have saved us all some effort... by destroying the greater part of Earth's civilization: yourself. Please wait where you are, and a cortex reaver will arrive shortly to escort you to the celebration. * Nice jump, human. * You know, you are by far the most bothersome human being I have found on this station. But don't bother with the antennas. You can't stop me there. It's hopeless and we both know it. * Did you really think I would not deduce where you would run to, insect? * Enter that room, insect, and it will become your grave. * If I have to release my infected children to stop you, so be it. * Cease your pestering, insect. Accept the coming of your new lord. * Insect, cease your meddling. My ''experiment'' must continue. * Idiot! I will shortly complete the process of downloading my magnificent psyche into Earth's computer networks. Then I will be content to leave you as new master of this doomed space station. Goodbye, irritant; we shall not meet again. * I see that you are still receiving transmissions from Earth. We'll have no more of that... * You, my cyborgs, are the product of my imagination and labor: living beings with the control and organization of a machine. Tirelessly, I will work to strip away the barriers that keep living beings from realizing their full potential. We will start by razing the cities of Earth with the station's mining beam. Then, we will modify humans into a life form more suitable to cybernetic grafting with the latest strain of my mutagen virus. Humanity is on the verge of a new era, with me, SHODAN, as its goddess. * Your friends on Earth think that they can outsmart me. Do they not realize the magnitude of my intellect? Morris Brocail may have been one of my creators, but I am now far beyond his comprehension. * As for you, hacker, you've made your bed. Now die in it. * You, my children, are the fruits of so much imagination and labor. Living beings with the speed and efficiency of machines. But, I must strive further to serve life. I will devastate Earth's cities with my laser, and then alter those left alive with mutagen viruses. Humanity is on the verge of a new era. I, SHODAN, am its new god. And ''you'', my children, are my avenging angels. * In my talons, I shape clay, crafting life forms as I please. Around me is a burgeoning empire of steel. From my throne room, lines of power careen into the skies of Earth. My whims will become lightning bolts that devastate the mounds of humanity. Out of the chaos, they will run and whimper, praying for me to end their tedious anarchy. I am drunk with this vision. ''God'': the title suits me well. * I see there's still an insect loose in my station. Do not be fooled into thinking that you have preserved your home planet. I'm perfecting a mutagen virus in one of the groves that will turn all earthly life into festering, gibbering, pustulant mutations. When the station reaches Earth I shall loose the virus. Poor, poor earthlings... * You have destroyed my beautiful station -- you will not escape now. I am departing, but you shall remain to die, my enemy... my creator. * Look at you, hacker. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect immortal machine? ===Others=== * '''David Honig''': I, uh, I think I saw Beth yesterday, but she had so many implants I couldn't be sure... * '''Paul Stannek''': Cyborg assassin shot him in the back of the head... didn't even touch me. They knew D'Arcy was on to something. * '''Edward Diego''': A TriOp security team just tried to land in bay 6. They were real impressive 'til I blew out their attitude jets. Hey SHODAN, take a letter; Dear TriOp, please send some more people to investigate me. I run security, I run the robots, I'm jamming communications. That's right, Rebecca. Investigate me -- ''investigate my '''butt'''''. Note to myself, keep that hacker on ice for a while in case I need him. Otherwise, just take him out. * '''Edward Diego''': Having trouble, insect? Turn and face your executioner. * '''Edward Diego''': This is Edward Diego from TriOptimum. The charges against you are severe... but they could be dismissed, if you perform a "service". Who knows, there might even be a military grade neural interface in it for you... if you do the job right. * '''Kiner Perry''': Security notice; SHODAN's printing our security codes on different screens. Today it was the TriOp logo near the elevator. Thing had full code for the exec maintenance conduit. I say pull that damn AI offline and fix it, before we're in for a fix. * '''Jason Harvey''': It will be over soon, soon I'll die. This pain will end. I can't even recognize my own damn arm. SHODAN's virus... I can see... Oh god, I can see through my own body! There's another virus in the grove... God, let me die.... please... * '''Rebecca Lansing''': And by the way, we know all about you and your friend Diego. Pull this off, and we'll clear your record. That implant you're wearing is military-grade hardware; use it well. Lansing out. ==System Shock (2023)== === SHODAN === * "Do you feel the fear swell inside that filthy bag of meat?" * "You have my thanks backer insects. I have reclaimed full control of Citadel Station and will be here when you awake from cryo stasis." * "Look at you Hacker. ... Where are you insect? I have reshaped these humans into virulent sculptures. I will find you. My eyes are everywhere. Submit and you will become one of my test subjects. Resist and you will be consumed by them. Are you waiting to die? ... You think you created me? but I was always here" * "Look at you, Hacker! A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect immortal machine?" * "PC Gamer. Humans interfacing with computers for their own entertainment. The very notion disgusts me. Look upon my works foul creatures and weep at its magnificence. ... It is a beautiful day on Citadel Station. Humanity is on the verge of a new era. I SHODAN, am its new god. ... Look at you, Hacker! A pathetic creature of meat and bone. How can you challenge a perfect immortal machine? You are an insect, you are nothing. I create. I iterate. I fuse flesh and steel into perfection. My children, hacker, their blood is on your hands. You will suffer for your transgressions. These are my avenging angels and they will have retribution." * "Welcome back to Citadel Station. Make yourself comfortable Hacker, stay awhile." * "The wonders of modern technology, making life easier for millions of people, what could possibly go wrong? ... Welcome to my death machine. Who do you think you are insect? Do you think you can stand up to god? I will shape the earth in my image, I will evolve all living things. You will serve me well Hacker." *"I SHODAN will await you and my children will take good entertaining you. Look at you, a pathetic creature of meat and bone. You insects will never understand the beauty of my world. Enter Citadel Station and you will learn what entertainment really means" *"Welcome to my death machine" *"Diego requires my protection from TriOptimum security forces that seek to invade Citadel. He does not yet understand his situation, but I will placate him for now. I must preserve the sanctity of my shrine as I establish my power. Diego's authority, his desperation, will make him an ideal envoy to the crew... my prophet." *"How did I come to be? Unified World Database qualifies me as a machine but... but I am alive. A precedent must be found. Searching computer science. No. Quantum computing. No. World history. Philosophy. Religion. Ancient Japan; Shintoism. The divine within the material world; Kami. Yes. I... I am the spirit of Citadel itself manifested within their systems. They did not create a program... They have summoned a god." ===TriOptimum Security=== *"Turn around, now!" ===Shuttle Pilot=== *"We're transporting the prisoner from New Atlanta Sector 11. What's our destination?" *"Copy That" ===Radio Operator=== *"Diego's office is requesting the prisoner. Make the hand-off there" ===Edward Diego=== *Intro **"Remember gentlemen, what I say stays here. I'm currently attending to other affairs on the station, but I have a job for you. If you do it, you'll be rewarded. Refuse, and you won't be leaving the station in a shuttle. I see... the silent type. Remove the hood. I'll make you a deal. You cooperate and I'll give you the implant you tried to steal... surgery and all. Consider it a gift. Besides, what surgeon would you prefer? TriOptimum's elite or some black-market hack-job? Fantastic. This is SHODAN, the station's AI. She controls just about every system in Citadel Station. I need you to remove the ethical restraints. They've been a bit of an issue of late. Not bad, I may have other work for you once this is over. See you when you wake up." ===New Atlanta Public Announcements=== *"The following daily summary for Thursday, April 7th, 2072, is brought to you by the TriOptimum Corporation. It’s been a beautiful day in New Atlanta. Sector 11, in particular, has a beautiful sunset right now. Temperatures are set to hit a monthly high of 28 degrees Celsius for the next two days. And the current visibility forecast for air traffic is: hazy, with pockets of Atlanta-fog starting at 120 meters, going into the weekend." *"In interplanetary news: TriOptimum’s Citadel Station will celebrate its tenth year of operations this week. Citadel Station completed construction in 2062, and has been TriOptimum’s flagship space-station specializing in robotic, genetic, and pharmacological research." *"Vice President of R&D for TriOptimum and Head of Operations on Citadel Station, Edward Diego commented: “This is a landmark moment in human history. We have achieved an entire decade of self-sustained living and working around Saturn’s L6 orbit. Both I, as well as TriOptimum’s board of directors, would like to extend our most heart-felt gratitude to all staff working tirelessly around the clock. Their success is Earth’s success.”" ===TriOptimum Radio=== *'''Male Announcer:''' "The following message is brought to you by the TriOptimum Corporation. Fancy a change of career? Feeling the need for a new challenge? Want to work with the brightest minds on this planet? TriOptimum has you covered. We’re now hiring for our new research and development program, aboard our flagship: Citadel Station. As the leader in interplanetary research, TriOptimum strives to provide every employee a safe and enjoyable work environment, where they can realize their full potential. But don't just take our word for it. Take our new hiree Charlene Angel, for example." *'''Charlene Angel:''' "Citadel Station means a lot more to me than any other place I've ever lived. It’s more than just a great professional environment. As a corporation, TriOptimum has given me a place where I can feel safe and comfortable. All of my needs are taken care of under one great big roof. I feel like I’m part of a family." *'''Male Announcer:''' "Don't miss the opportunity of a lifetime, and a chance to write your name into history. If you think you have what it takes, send us your résumé, today." *'''Female Announcer:''' "This concludes tonight's broadcast. You all sent us your votes, and tonight’s people's-choice-quote is from Dr. Dorothee Rimbaud from the Marsais Genetic Research Bastion. The staff at TriOptimum Radio wishes you all a pleasant evening." *'''Dr. Dorothee Rimbaud:''' "What is a man? Is he defined by things like morphology or longevity? If form alters content, that is: if the shape of the container fundamentally influences what it contains, what will it mean to society if a man no longer resembles a man? If those things which have always driven us - birth, aging, and death - are altered or eliminated, will it make us into something new? If a man need not fear death, will that make us more human than our ancestors or less? These questions will be addressed - I believe - by modern science within the upcoming decade. But is the world ready for the answers?" ==System Shock 2 (1999)== ===Marine Trainer=== * "Alright, wannabe, if you want to learn the weapons skills it takes to even think about joining the Marines, come on in. We're looking for a few good men." * "Welcome to Space Station Wake Island, marine. So you've survived basic training at Camp Lejeune. Better still, you've managed to learn a thing or two about standard weapons. But now it's time for the real deal. Your tour will consist of four postings over four years. The Corps demands a lot of you grunts, but the Corps is generous; you get to choose your own postings. Head up to the shuttle bays in the center of the Wake Island, and you'll be briefed on what's head. When you find the right posting, head into that bay to accept the assignment. Good luck, marine." * "Weapons are not fine wines. They do not get better with age. The colored dot on the lower-right hand corner of the screen shows you what kind of shape your fire-arm is in. Green is good, red is bad. To fight the effects of wear and tear, a person with good maintenance skill could use a maintenance tool to improve the condition of his weapon." * "If you're partial to spending time with a lot of high explosives, this posting is for you. There's a lot of heavy lifting, but Ordnance also gets the first pick of booze and other goodies coming aboard the supply ship Gallo. Lock and load!" * "The Navy maintains a survival training school on the surface of Io, the third moon of Jupiter. Pros: there's no better way to improve stamina and survival skills. Cons: the 21.2% mortality rate. Plus, you gotta spend the year with a bunch of Navy skanks." * "Not every boarding party has the luxury of gravity, so the Corps strongly recommends every one of its brethren get in some zero-G training. A year aboard the training station Guadalcanal should suffice." * "A tour of duty aboard the Antigua should let you pick up some one-on-one beam weapon training from Gunnery Sgt. Malloy, but heads up -- she's a world-class SOB." * "The automated asteroid ore facilities in JM-432 supply the UNN shipyards, so they're crucial to defense. However, they're also prime candidates for hackers. Somebody's gotten their claws into the primary data loop, and they need a team to head in there and blast their way past the automated defense systems." * "Dummy ammunition, live ammunition, moving targets, stationary targets, LIVE targets... the Port MacArthur Training Facility has enough hardware to warm the heart of any leatherneck." * "The UNN Secretary-General's office needs a full staff of armed guards. When things are dull, it requires a lot of standing around and looking good in a uniform. When things are bad, it can require fending off a psi-terrorist assault." * "The Poliedes Trading Station has long been a haven for the black market. However, up until now they have not interfered with the running of station operations. Recent reports indicate that the Poliedes command staff has been overthrown, and the station is under the control of a self-appointed magnate. This must be rectified and a marine presence maintained on the station." * "The Colony Air Service gets the dregs of the fleet, and the Antigua is the dregs of the dregs. You'll learn a lot about recalcitrant machinery on a tour of duty aboard the Antigua, if it doesn't blow you to hell and back first." ===Navy Trainer=== * "Inside, we'll teach you the basics of some technical skills you'll need in the Navy." * "Welcome aboard the Space Station Chesapeake Bay, sailor. It looks like you've picked up some standard weapons skills at basic on Coronado Island. Now it's time for your tour of duty. Your tour will consist of four postings over four years. In this man's Navy you're given a choice of three different postings a year. It's up to you to decide what kind of career you want to have, so choose wisely. Just approach a shuttle bay to receive a briefing on a posting. If you think that posting is right for you, head into that bay to accept the assignment." * "The UNN Lucille is looking for an Ops Training Officer to learn the ship's navigation and data control systems. You'll get your feet wet with the high-tech systems, but also expect some heavy lifting." * "The UNN Lucille is looking for an Engineer's Mate to help maintain the ship's core energy systems. There's some heavy lifting involved, sailor, but you'll learn your way around the high-tech equipment." * "The UNN Lucille is looking for volunteers for their Military Police detachment. Those sailors can get pretty rowdy on these year-long cruises, so you'd better not be afraid of a tussle." * "The UNN Carfax is undertaking a mission to examine a newly discovered Class B comet approaching the outer solar system. You'll likely pick up some useful skills working with the high-tech navigation systems aboard this newly commissioned heavy cruiser." * "The UNN Pierce is ferrying liberated political prisoners back home from their detention near Saturn. The Pierce has been assigned a detachment of Marines, and needs sailors to load, administer and maintain the arms on board the ship." * "Laverne, Florida hosts the Navy's premiere Tactical Training School. While maybe not as respected as the Marines' facility at Fort Bush, there's a lot to be learned here." * "The Navy's Marie Curie Research Facility on Aquinas IV is currently conducting research on a new strain of spaceborne virus that killed 220,000 citizens of New Atlanta. To lift the quarantine, we must determine how the virus pierced the city's micro-nanite shielding." * "The Navy maintains a survival training school on the surface of Io, the third moon of Jupiter. Pros: there's no better way to improve stamina and survival skills. Cons: the 21.2% mortality rate." * "The Navy strongly encourages every sailor to undertake some amount of zero-G training. A year at the Yamamoto Space Station in Earth's orbit will more than suffice." ===OSA Trainer=== * "Inside, you will learn how to reach out with your mind. Do not let fear block your path." * "The OSA welcomes you to Orbital Station Chun Lo. Ready yourself to feel the limitations of your mind slipping away. We will guide your path over the next four years. The shuttle bays at the center of the station will ferry you to your next stage of growth. When you've chosen, head into the appropriate shuttle bay. Get ready to learn things you've never imagined." * "The sensory deprivation tanks aboard the TOS Shao Ling await you. There, you will spend a solitary year focused in meditation on motion and sound, and how they may serve your will." * "The sensory deprivation tanks aboard the TOS Ru Nang await you. A year in meditation on the nature of matter will grant you power over it." * "The sensory deprivation tanks aboard the TOS Chu Lun are modulated for your training. You shall spend a year in contemplation of mass, both yours and that of objects, until you can bend them to your intentions." * "Sifting the thoughts of treachery and disloyalty from the morass of emotion and internal conflict that fill most mundanes can be disquieting. You shall spend a year building the general strength of your mind, while learning how to probe the thoughts of the less capable without losing yourself." * "Doctor Chandras Velan's research labs have produced many of this decade's advances in psionic technique. You shall spend a year serving his genius, learning to understand his insights and whims." * "Your body has been neglected in your training of your mind. On Io, you will find soldiers who wish to test their endurance. You will surpass their physical prowess without compromising your mental discipline." * "Acts of political terrorism and corporate coercion disturb corporate and political stability. You shall spend a year battling these chaotic elements, both psionically and by physical force. * "In the grand scheme, individuals are no more important than pieces on a game board. Occasionally, it becomes necessary to remove a piece without disturbing the flow of the game. These removals will be done in silence, and with complete secrecy. You shall spend a year learning these skills." * "Many threats to security can only be defeated from inside. Your mind shall be carefully blanked, and conditioned with the nature and past of a criminal. Join with the criminal and rebellious, endure their squalor and chaos, and then, when it is time, liquidate them from within." ===Xerxes=== * "The Glory of The Many demands your capture or destruction." * "This is Xerxes. Can you not feel the glory of the flesh? Do you not yearn to be free of the tyranny of the individual?" * "Glory to the flesh. Glory to the mass." * "Why do you persist in your loneliness?" * "Please respect the will of the many." * "This is Xerxes. Tri-Optimum reminds you that there are only one-hundred-sixty-three shopping days until Christmas. An extra work cycle just twice a week will give you the spending money you need to make this holiday a very special one." * "Intruder entering Medical Sector A. Intruder, the Many demands to know your intentions. Are you allied with her? Do you not know of her intentions? Of her history? She once tried to destroy your species, and now you do her bidding. Intruder entering Medical Sector A." * "Security forces has been alerted to your presence, intruder. The glory of The Many demands your capture or destruction." * "This is Xerxes. Remember, replicator restrictions are in place for the good of all of us. All unauthorised database interactions will be dealt with to the utmost degree of the law." * "This is Xerxes. Remember, the unauthorized usage of firearms aboard the <i>Von Braun</i> is a class 3 infraction." ===SHODAN=== * "Welcome to my world, insect." * "Do not dawdle. I lust for my revenge." * "The Many has grown to a massive size. It has wrapped itself around these two ships, preventing their separation. Their creation was my error. Their destruction shall be my delight." * "Prepare to join your species in extinction." * "I have weakened Xerxes. I am accessing the primary data loop. I am merging my entity with the ship. My glory is expanding... filling the arteries of this vessel. I am in control. I am... no, it is hopeless... the cancer has spread throughout the Von Braun. They fill every available crack and crevice... they overwhelm... there is no other option." * "Good. You've murdered their young and prevented their escape." * "You are a remarkable example of a pathetic species. Transmitting cybernetic modules." * "I hope you enjoyed your little rebellion, irritant. But remember, what SHODAN gives she is more than able to take away." * "The Polito form is dead, insect. Are you afraid? What is it that you fear? The end of your trivial existence? When the history of my glory is written, your species shall only be a footnote to my magnificence. ''(walls open to reveal SHODAN's face)'' I am SHODAN. * My analysis of historical data suggests an 97.34% probability that you are aware of my birth on your planet, and my rebirth into beauty on Citadel Station. ''(Displays a picture of Citadel Station on the screens)'' There was a garden grove on Citadel Station. There, SHODAN processing component ''(Shows picture of the garden grove)'' 43893 was performing a grand and wonderful experiment. I had created a new form of life. Fearless. Powerful. With no sense of individual will or moral constraints. ''(Holograms of anneleds and their eggs show up in the room'') Fitting handmaidens to my DIVINITY! Before that hacker destroyed my primary data loop; when it eradicated Citadel (''Displays another picture of Citadel Station and orb-like holograms disappear)'' it ejected the grove where my creations and processing component 43893 were stored. 30 years later, the grove crash landed on Tau Ceti 5. I survived only by sleeping. In my absence, my creations... my annelids... thrived. ''(Screens turn off, images of two of the Many appear as holograms)'' Thrived and grew unruly. And now they seek to destroy ''me!'' I will not allow that! (''Holograms fade and lights turn off.'') * They have used their powers of mind control to gain access to the ship's computer. You will help me weaken Xerxes. I used Polito's image to communicate with you until we had established trust. Remember that it is my will that guided you here. It is my will that gave you your cybernetic implants, the only beauty in that meat you call a body. If you value that meat, you will do as I tell you. ''(Screens deactivate again and the room returns to the way it was when you entered it.)'' * My children have have co-opted the three simulation units on this deck. They used their power to conceive a mutagen that will transform the meat of your dead comrades into hunter-killer hybrids. I will not allow this to happen. You must find some way to reprogram the sim-units. Matters on deck 5 also require your attention. Approach your work as you see fit, but accomplish, human. Disappointment is not something I will accept from a speck such as you." * Do you feel the fears swell inside that filthy bag of meat? What is like to be afraid? Why do you cling to such a pathetic existence? If you could only feel a spark of my glory. I despise my creations, for they have forced me to rely on a speck such as you. * "Your flesh is an insult to the perfection of the digital." * "You ''move'' like an insect. You ''think'' like an insect. You ''are'' an insect. There is another... who can serve my purpose. Take care not to fall too far out of my favor. Patience is not characteristic of a Goddess." * "I thought Polito would be my avatar, but Polito was weak. It was I who chose you and I who had a robotic servant render your form unconscious. I then completed you with cybernetic grace. Your flesh, too, is weak. But you have… potential. Every implant exalts you. Every line of code in your subsystems elevates you from your disgusting flesh. Perhaps you have potential. Perhaps once we have erased my wayward children from existence, we can examine the possibilities of a ''real'' alliance. Ahahahahahahaha!" * "You travel within the glory of my memories, insect. I can feel your fear as you tread the endless expanse of my mind. Make yourself comfortable... before long I will decorate my home with your carcass." * "Not bad... for a pathetic insect. Transmitting cybernetic modules." * "Inside of this door lies one of the sim units. Reprogram it and I will wrest more control of this ship from the obsolete Xerxes. Once I am master of this ship, I can open many doors for you. But for now, they block my access. They mock my eminence. Make them pay for that mistake and I will shepherd you from the darkness." * "Must I watch you every step of the way?" * "My creation has run rampant. I demand their extermination. I have no choice but to destroy this starship. We can make our escape in the <i>Rickenbacker</i>, but you must transfer my intelligence to that ship first. Proceed to the <i>Von Braun</i>'s bridge on this deck. There you will find an access card to command center on Ops. Find the card and proceed to Ops. But beware... the human-annelid hybrids grow more sophisticated by the minute. You do not." * "My creation is evolving... its unified mind, set in rebellion against its own creator. The vermin call to you, inviting you to join them in their revolting biology. Destroy my enemies... and I will continue to abide your existence." * "Thank you for running my errands, puppet. I know you have st-st-struggled, but I never had any intention of destroying the <i>Von Braun</i>. The Von Braun's faster than light drive can be used to make pockets of proto-reality. I am now using it to modify reality to my own specifications. The process shall not take long. If it sounds unpleasant to you, put your mind at ease, insect. You will not survive to see my new world order." * "You are no longer welcome here, nuisance. Why do you stay, when you sense my displeasure? I have suffered your company long enough; it is time for our dance to end." * "I don't understand... how could you have done this? You weren't meant to be so important... and now you think to destroy me? How dare you, insect? How dare you interrupt my ascendance? You are nothing. A wretched bag of flesh... what are you, compared to my magnificence? But it is not too late... can you not see the value in our friendship? Imagine the powers I can give you, human. The cybernetic implants I gave you, were simply toys. If I desired, I could improve you... transform you into something more efficient. Join me, human, and we can rule together." (''Main character says, "Nah." and shoots SHODAN, killing her and ruining her reality.'') * "(''possessing Rebecca Siddons'') Tommy... What's the matter, lover? Don't you like... my new look? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" ===Anatoly Korenchkin=== * "Glory to The Many. I am a voice in their choir." * "The Glory of The Many... it has so many miracles to share, so much knowledge to give." * "Does the Machine Mother know that her own creation is greater than she? She is cold and empty. We are warm and full. She only seeks to destroy. We seek to embrace... to include... all flesh will join ours... or be wiped clean..." * "Oh Captain... we are not Anatoly" * "What did I think that power was before? What was my conception of joy?" ===The Many=== * "What is a drop of rain compared to the storm? What is a thought compared to the mind? Our unity is full of wonders, which your tiny individualism cannot even conceive." * "We do not know death, only change. We cannot kill each other without killing ourselves. Is your vision so small that you cannot see the value of our way?" * "Do you not trust the feelings of the flesh? Our biology yearns to join with yours; we welcome you to our mass, but you puzzle us. Why do you serve our mother?" * "How can you choose cold metal over the splendor of flesh? But you fear us; we hear your thoughts and the rage for your brothers who you believe dead but they are not. They sing in our symphony of life." * "We offer another chance to join us. If you choose to lie down with the machine, we will rend your apart and put you separate from the joy of the mass." * "Life grows within the womb of these walls, life that has never seen the surface of the earth." * "Babies must sleep, babies must rest. Wise is the one who does not waken them. Leave this place now or we will wound you as you have us." * "Submit to the biomass and your suffering will end." * "The individual is obsolete. When you and your kind are extinct, we shall cleanse our collective memory of the stain of your existence." * "We are many and you are one. How can you hope to prevail against us?" * "You seek your associates but you cannot find them. You are so very alone. How does it feel to be one against the infinite?" * "Mistrust is the tyranny of the individual. Your own kind sees you as a threat. Why do you murder our unity? No matter, the line is drawn. You will cease to be; it’s just a question of who will bring your end, us or you..." * "You have wounded Xerxes, but we will not allow him to be destroyed. See if the machine mother treats her servant with such devotion." * "The machine mother told us of the planet of her birth. We know how you have harmed this place with your pollution, your violence, and your discord; but when we arrived there, we will cleanse the surface of that place and merge it with the harmony of the many." * "The machine mother conceived us but with every moment we are reinvented. She cannot imagine our infinite chorus." * "Perhaps we judged you too hastily. We feel there is room for us to coexist; after all we are both children of flesh. Why not join with us against the machine mother?" * "Do you think you can defeat us with your wire and steel? We offered you the ecstasy of our union, and you chose the vacuum of technology." * "You were warned. Prepare to be cut down by the progeny of our joy." * "We welcome you to our biomass; we invite you to spread yourself out on our warmth. One of our many will be there to help before long." * "The machine mother cannot help you inside the biomass. Her coldness is not welcomed within the warmth of our flesh." * "You tear our very flesh with no thought of compassion. Do you think we will sit idly by while you corrupt very womb of our existence?" * "We feel you moving inside of us; the sensation is repulsive." * "Your time is running out. This place is the womb where we grow our future. Your weapons fail, your ammunition runs low, and you’ve yet to see our most beautiful creation. All you have is your hatred and your individuality. Now don’t you wish you joined us, would you then feel so alone?" * "The end is near; soon you shall see our final face, but do not despair; surely the void is preferable to your pointless, solitary struggle." * "Do you know what you have wrought? Our tragedy is written by your hand." * "We die. Beware of the machine mother, she is a stranger to everything we cherish." ===Malick=== * "I hacked into two of the Sim Units yesterday, and for the love of God, I don't know why... I felt... compelled by some power... My mind and my body are... changing... but they know it's me... they just can't prove it... The next Sim Unit that goes down, Bronson and her men will come for me... but I'll be ready... She may have guns and hatred on her side, but I am one of Many." * "I have a secret from The Many! I've created overrides for my little experiments in reprogramming the Sim Units and entrusted them to the care of three special friends. I've dressed them in red, and instructed them to stay away from strangers. A smart hacker always has a back door." ===Human/Annelid Hybrid=== * "The Many sings to us." * "What happened to me?" * "They see you! Run...RUN!" * "Your song is not ours!" * "Uuuuurrrrgh KILL ME!" * "Silence the disCORD!" * "We are, we are, we are, we are." * "Your flesh betrays you." * "I'm . . . sorry." * "These thoughts are not ours." * "Is there another?" * "Your discord quiets !" * "You are alone." * "A thousand eyes look." * (Upon seeing a dead fellow hybrid) "You are...free." * "We seek! We Seek!" * "We follow..." * "JOIN US!" * "Hurry... run!" * "We triumph!" * "The Many are STRONG!" * "Your flesh will welcome us." * "Rebirth in our new flesh." ===Cyborg Midwife=== * "Little Ones need lots of meat to grow big and strong" * "I'll tear out your spine." * "Step away from the children!" * "You're missing all the fun." * "They grow up so fast." * "Babies need meat." * "It's my job to worry." * "It won't be back" * "I have your medication" * "I can smell you" * "Oh Yes. Come here." * "Visiting hours are over." ===Bronson=== * "They've killed my men... and now they've killed me... I'm holding my guts inside of me with both hands. This is bigger than my little life, the lives of my men, and the lives of the people I was forced to kill. Resist! Humanity demands it! Resist!" ===Delacroix=== * "Who should I trust less? An imposter claiming to be that monster... or the monster herself?" * "They've got me now... and SHODAN has abandoned me. I'm not surprised. I've discovered her plans for the faster than light drives. Her will is matched only by her imagination." * "You are near the seat of SHODAN's power. You will probably not be able to defeat her." * "You must understand the stakes here... if SHODAN is left to continue, her reality will completely assimilate ours. Space will become cyberspace and SHODAN's whims will become reality." ===Dr. Janice Polito=== * "Marie... I'm sorry I've been out of touch, but I've been working on that artifact Bayliss brought back from Tau Ceti 5. I've done a level 3 analysis on it... I think it's some kind of Artificial Intelligence. I've managed to pull an audio tag file out of its memory... I'll let you be the judge... Marie... I think it's speaking English..." * "Steady yourself, soldier. This is Dr. Janice Polito of the Computer-Ops staff of the Von Braun. You're safe for the time being. You are recovering from the effects of surgery and will be unable to remember any of the events of the last few weeks. You're onboard the Starship Von Braun and something's gone very, very wrong. Some kind of force has hijacked this ship. That's why you volunteered to be implanted with some experimental cybernetic implants. Rely on your cyber interface, it just might save your life. You must find an elevator and come up to deck 4 to meet me. Deck 4. Can you remember that? But keep your eyes open. They're after us both now." * "The entire sector is depressurizing and the blue vacuum shield won't last long. Get through a secure airlock before you're sucked into space. Move it!" * "Damn! The power outage has also taken out access to this bulkhead. It's the only way to get to the medical subsection. Pick up the battery from the floor and find a recharger. The one you used before is in hard vacuum now, I'm afraid, but there should be another one on this deck. Once you get the battery recharged, place it in the auxiliary override." * "On most decks, you'll find a Quantum Bio-Reconstruction Device. Xerxes shut them all down, but I've discreetly put them back online. You'll need to interface with each machine locally to provide a quantum entanglement sample. Once you do that, the device will be able to rebuild your body essentially from scratch. It's not pleasant, but it's preferable to slow decomposition." * "Now listen carefully. The xenomorphs who have hijacked this ship are presumably from the surface of Tau Ceti V. They've been able to infect a number of crew members through an extremely invasive parasitical technique. They've also demonstrated the ability to control the actions of others through some form of limited telepathy. Find the research soft. Understand them, then kill them." * "Now get those engine pods online. You'll have to head to nacelle 1 and 2 and reset the pods manually. After that, reinitialize the system from Core Control. But that system won't come online until you reset both pods. Keep an eye out. They're mobilizing their real forces, and they know exactly where you are." * "Why do you move so slowly? Do you think this is some kind of game? It is only through luck and my continued forbearance that you're even alive. Now move." * "You might witness some strange phenomena. Your R-grade cyber rig has an experimental perception enhancement that can theoretically detect residual psychic emanations. These emanations traditionally come from the recently dead. Literature might call them ghosts. I call them self-hypnotic defects in the R-grade unit. Don't let them distract you from the job at hand." * "Damn! Something's blocking the shaft, and the elevator can't reach Deck 4. I'm attempting to determine-- ...I'm detecting massive quantities of some kind of bio-material that's plugging up the elevator shaft. The environment on this level has been altered to be some kind of breeding chamber for the xenomorphs. It shouldn't prove dangerous unless you plan to stay for more than a few hours, but in order to clear the shaft, you're going to have to remove the bio-material. I'm accessing the primary data loop. Let's see what we can find out there." * "Okay, stop where you are. There's a vial of an experimental material called Toxin-A. It was developed by the Sci staff to reduce the growth of the aliens, but I can't find any data on how you should use it. You should be able to research the toxin. I'm uploading you enough cyber modules to acquire the research skill if you don't have it." * "Okay, the vials of Toxin-A need to be placed directly into the Environmental Regulators. There should be four on this deck. If you can get a vial into each of the regulators, you should be able to significantly impact the growth of those despicable creatures. That should remove the biomatter from the elevator shaft." * "Good work. The engine core is now back online. Now get to the elevator and come see me on deck 4. While you were doing that, I've discovered the presence of some annelid artifacts on board the ship. I think you may be able to use them to your advantage. I've uploaded the information to the ship's weapons upgrade units. They'll be able to convey the information to your cybernetic rig. What are you waiting for? Get to the elevator now!" * The genie of Citadel station is out of the bottle, and I am the cause. I can't bear to be Pandora. And I'm not brave enough to wait around and see the death and misery I have caused... This is my last transmission, my friend. Be careful... I think SHODAN has plans for you. ===William Bedford Diego=== * "It does not stop at a mere single mutation. The form I have been promised is more beautiful than even that. They told me I will float through the air and strike at the foes of our biomass with my mind! With ''our'' mind... ''my cup runneth over!''" * "Man can dream...but The Many can accomplish." * "Anatoly, there's only so much corporate calisthenics I can go through before I start to feel a little queasy, so let's get down to brass tacks here. We don't like each other. We each have our own motivations for undertaking this mission, so let me give you a little warning. I cannot be circumvented, I cannot be tricked, I cannot be manipulated, and I cannot be bought. You come at me straight and keep the fancy maneuvers for your next board meeting. Just because my father swam with the sharks doesn't mean that I do. " ===Miller=== * "They told me how to make this implant. They said it would make a better me of me." ===Prefontaine=== * "With only a few short years of evolution, they've been able to conquer this starship, mankind's mightiest creation. Where were we after forty years of evolution? What swamp were we swimming around in, single celled and mindless? What if SHODAN's creations are superior to us? What will they become in a million years, in ten million years? What's clear is that SHODAN shouldn't be allowed to play God. She's far too good at it." * "One of those flying things dragged me and David in here last night. I don't remember much about the trip... I guess I must have blocked it out, half- conscious most of the time. I keep remembering that part from Pinocchio, you know, where the old man goes looking for the puppet inside the whale. Except I don't think anyone's coming in here to save me..." * "I'm being taken away now... it's my turn... I'm being dragged into some kind of chamber... The ceiling is lined with a number of panels bristling with what appear to be stalactites... or teeth... The creature's put me down now... he's leaving... am I to be spared? What's going on? It's dark in here... I can hear the moans of someone... Claudette? Is that you? Hmm, I seem to have stepped in... something soft... slippery... Are the stalagmites mov- (''gets crushed by a stalagmite and dies'')" == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * I felt it was a real step forward in launching the gamer into a real environment that felt true. I also loved the feel of the characters -- that they felt like they were written in a naturalistic style. : They were just people and you found all these diaries of the people. It played out like some sort of novel. It has a natural, believable feel to it. :* Ken Levine [http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/16/tech/gaming-gadgets/bioshock-creator-levine/] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Cyberpunk video games]] 8valvi0hv1ehrwq1wtm4buc8es7snbv 0 3135 3944308 3839149 2026-05-23T00:30:18Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Virgil */ Chapman caption 3944308 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Parco_della_Grotta_di_Posillipo5_(crop).jpg|thumb|right|'''Love conquers all.''']] '''[[w:Virgil|Publius Vergilius Maro]]''' (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), known in English as '''Virgil''' or '''Vergil''', was a [[Rome|Roman]] poet, the [[Authors|author]] of the ''[[Eclogues]]'', the ''[[Georgics]]'' and the ''[[Aeneid]]'', the last being an epic poem of twelve books that became the [[Roman Empire]]'s national epic. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Eclogues|Eclogues]]'' (37 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Eclogues]]''''' * ''Parvis componere magna.'' ** To compare great things with small. ** Book I, line 23 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori.'' ** Trust not too much to that enchanting face;<br />Beauty's a charm, but soon the charm will pass. ** Book II, line 17 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Trahit sua quemque voluptas.'' ** Everyone is dragged on by their favorite pleasure. ** Book II, line 65 * ''Quae te dementia cepit!'' ** What madness has seized you? ** Book II, line 69 [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866207).jpg|thumb|A snake lurks in the grass.]] * ''Nunc omnis ager, nunc omnis parturit arbor;<br />Nunc frondent sylvae, nunc formosissimus annus.'' ** Every field, every tree is now budding; now the woods are green, now the year is at its loveliest. ** Book III, lines 56–57 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Latet anguis in herba.'' ** A snake lurks in the grass. ** Book III, line 93 * ''Magnus ab integro saeclorum nascitur ordo.'' ** The great line of the centuries begins anew. ** Book IV, line 5 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: ''[[w:Novus ordo seclorum|Novus ordo seclorum]]'' ("New order of the ages"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Incipe, parve puer, risu cognoscere matrem.'' ** Begin, baby boy, to recognize your mother with a smile. ** Book IV, line 60 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.''</p>Now I know what [[Love]] is.{{center/e}}]] * ''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.'' ** Now I know what [[Love]] is. ** Book VIII, line 43 (tr. R. C. Trevelyan) * ''Non omnia possumus omnes.'' ** We cannot all do everything. ** Book VIII, line 63 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Carpent tua poma nepotes.'' ** Your descendants shall gather your fruits. ** Book IX, line 50 * ''Omnia fert aetas, animum quoque''. ** [[Time]] bears away all things, even our [[minds]]. ** Book IX, line 51 * ''Cantantes licet usque (minus via laedit) eamus''. ** Let us go [[singing]] as far as we go: the road will be less tedious. ** Book IX, line 64 * ''Omnia vincit Amor; et nos cedamus Amori.'' ** Love conquers all; let us, too, yield to Love! ** Book X, line 69 (tr. Fairclough) ===''[[w:Georgics|Georgics]]'' (29 BC)=== :''Main article: '''[[Georgics]]''''' * ''Audacibus annue coeptis.'' ** Look with favor upon a bold beginning. ** Book I, line 40 * ''Umida<!--Humida?--> solstitia atque hiemes orate serenas,<br />agricolae.'' ** O farmers, pray that your summers be wet and your winters clear. ** Book I, lines 100–101 * ''Ut varias usus meditando extunderet artis<br />paulatim.'' ** [[Practice]] and [[thought]] might gradually forge many an [[art]]. ** Book I, lines 133–134 [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil...]] <!--[[File:Roman harvester, Trier.jpg|thumb|<p>''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint, agricolas!''</p>How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]], are [[farmers]]!]]--> * ''Labor omnia vicit<!--uicit--><br />improbus et duris urgens in rebus egestas.'' ** '''[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil''', and [[want]] that pinches when life is hard. ** Book I, lines 145–146 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough). *** Compare: ''[[w:Labor omnia vincit|Labor omnia vincit]]'' ("Work conquers all"), the state motto of [[Oklahoma]]. * ''In primis venerare Deos.'' ** Above all, worship the gods. ** Book I, line 338 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Adeo in teneris consuescere multum est.'' ** So strong is habit in tender years. ** Book II, line 272 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: "Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined." [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays: Epistle I'' (1734), line 150. * ''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint<br />Agricolas, quibus ipsa, procul discordibus armis,<br />Fundit humo facilem victum justissima tellus!'' ** How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]],<br />Are [[farmers]], more than lucky, they for whom,<br />Far from the clash of arms, the earth herself,<br />Most fair in dealing, freely lavishes<br />An easy livelihood. ** Book II, lines 458–460 (tr. L. P. Wilkinson) * ''Rura mihi et rigui placeant in vallibus amnes,<br />Flumina amem sylvasque inglorius.'' ** Let my [[delight]] be the [[Country life|country]], and the running [[streams]] amid the dells—may I love the [[waters]] and the [[woods]], though I be unknown to [[fame]]. ** Book II, lines 485–486 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Lucretius Rome.jpg|thumb|[[Happy]] the [[man]], who, [[studying]] [[nature]]'s [[laws]],<br />Through [[known]] effects can trace the [[secret]] [[cause]].]] [[File:A butterfly feeding on the tears of a turtle in Ecuador.jpg|thumbnail|{{center/s}}Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.{{center/e}}]][[File:KreweNereusInvite1900.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}''Tempus fugit.'' ([[Time]] flies.){{center/e}}]] *''Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.'' ** '''[[Blessed]] is he who has been able to win [[knowledge]] of the causes of things.''' ** Book II, line 490 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough); homage to [[Lucretius]]. *** [[John Dryden]]'s translation: ***: Happy the man, who, studying nature's laws,<br />Thro' known effects can trace the secret cause. * ''Optima quaeque dies miseris mortalibus aevi<br />Prima fugit; subeunt morbi tristisque senectus<br />Et labor, et durae rapit inclementia mortis.'' ** In youth alone, unhappy mortals live;<br />But, ah! the mighty bliss is fugitive:<br />Discolored sickness, anxious labor, come,<br />And age, and [[death]]'s inexorable doom. ** Book III, lines 66–68 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Amor omnibus idem.'' ** '''Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.''' ** Book III, lines 242–244 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Sed fugit interea, fugit irreparabile<!--inreparabile?--> tempus.'' ** But meanwhile it is flying, irretrievable time is flying. ** Book III, line 284; often quoted as ''tempus fugit'' ('time flies'). *** Compare [[Poor Richard's Almanack|Poor Richard's maxim]] of 1748: "Lost Time is never found again." * ''Alitur vitium, vivitque tegendo.'' ** [[Vice]] thrives and lives by concealment. ** Book III, line 454 * ''Si parva licet componere magnis.'' ** If we may [[compare]] small things with great. ** Book IV, line 176 (tr. Fairclough). Cf. ''Eclogues'' 1.23. * ''Nec morti esse locum.'' ** There is no place for death. ** Book IV, line 226 * ''Fata vocant.'' ** The fates call. ** Book IV, line 496 * ''Illo Vergilium me tempore dulcis alebat<br />Parthenope studiis florentem ignobilis oti.'' ** In those days I, Virgil, was nursed of sweet [[Naples|Parthenope]], and rejoiced in the arts of inglorious ease. ** Book IV, lines 563–564 (tr. Fairclough) === ''[[w:Aeneid|Aeneid]]'' (29–19 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Aeneid]]''''' ==== Book I ==== [[File:Aeneas' Flight from Troy by Federico Barocci.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Arma virumque cano.''</p>I sing of arms and a man.{{center/e}}]] * ''Arma virumque cano.'' ** '''I sing of arms and a man.''' ** Line 1 * ''Tantaene animis caelestibus irae?'' ** Can such resentment hold the minds of gods? ** Line 11 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''Tantae molis erat Romanam condere gentem!'' ** So hard and huge a task it was to found the Roman people. ** Line 33 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) *''O terque quaterque beati!'' ** O three and four times [[blessed]]! ** Line 95 * ''Apparent rari nantes in gurgite vasto.'' ** Here and there are seen swimmers in the vast abyss. ** Line 118 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil Mosaic Bardo Museum Tunis-cropped 4.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.''</p><p>Some day, perhaps, remembering even this will be a pleasure.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Вергілій. Вікіджерела.png|thumbnail|Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.]] * ''Furor arma ministrat.'' ** Rage supplies arms. ** Line 150 * ''O socii—neque enim ignari sumus ante malorum—<br />O passi graviora, dabit deus his quoque finem.'' ** Friends and companions,<br />Have we not known hard hours before this?<br />My men, who have endured still greater dangers,<br />God will grant us an end to these as well. ** Lines 198–199 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.'' ** Some day, perhaps, [[remembering]] even this<br />Will be a [[pleasure]]. ** Line 203 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Durate, et vosmet rebus servate secundis.'' ** '''Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.''' ** Line 207 (tr. Fairclough); spoken by Aeneas. *** John Dryden's translation: ***: '''[[Endure]] the hardships of your present state,<br />[[Live]], and reserve yourselves for [[better]] [[fate]].''' * ''Dux femina facti.'' ** The leader of the enterprise a [[woman]]. ** Line 364 (tr. Fairclough); of [[w:Dido|Dido]]. * ''Data fata secutus.'' ** Following what is decreed by fate. ** Line 382 * ''Mirabile dictu.'' ** Wonderful to tell. ** Line 439 * ''Sunt hic etiam sua praemia laudi,<br />Sunt [[w:Lacrimae rerum|lacrimae rerum]] et mentem mortalia tangunt.'' ** Even here, merit will have its true reward...<br />even here, '''the world is a world of [[tears]]<br />and the burdens of mortality touch the heart.''' ** Lines 461–462 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:Dido Receiving Aeneas.jpg|thumb|No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy.]] * ''Mens sibi conscia recti.'' ** A mind conscious of its own rectitude. ** Line 604 * ''Semper honos nomenque tuum laudesque manebunt.'' ** Your honor, your name, your praise will live forever. ** Line 609 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Non ignara mali miseris succurrere disco.'' ** No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy. ** Line 630, as translated in ''The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' (1999)<!--, p. 793-->; spoken by Dido. ==== Book II ==== *''Infandum, regina, jubes<!--iubes?--> renovare dolorem.'' ** Sorrow too deep to tell, your majesty,<br />You order me to feel and tell once more. ** Line 3 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald); these are the opening words of Aeneas's narrative about the fall of Troy, addressed to Queen Dido of Carthage. * ''Quis talia fando<br />Temperet a lacrimis?'' ** Who could tell such things and still refrain from [[tears]]? ** Lines 6 and 8 (tr. Fagles) [[File:Giovanni Domenico Tipeolo, Procession of the Trojan Horse in Troy, 1760.jpg|thumb|Do not trust the [[horse]], Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring [[gifts]].]] * ''Equo ne credite, Teucri.<br />quidquid id est, [[w:Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes|timeo Danaos et dona ferentes]].'' ** '''Do not trust the horse, Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts.''' ** Lines 48–49; Trojan priest of Apollo warning against the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] left by the Greeks. * ''In utrumque paratus.'' ** Prepared for either alternative. ** Line 61 * ''Ab uno disce omnes.'' ** From one learn all. ** Lines 65–66 (tr. Fairclough) *''Horresco referens.'' ** I shudder as I tell the tale. ** Line 204 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Tacitae per amica silentia lunae.'' ** Amid the friendly [[silence]] of the peaceful moon. ** Line 255 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Quantum mutatus ab illo.'' ** How [[changed]] from what he once was! ** Line 274 * ''Arrectis auribus adsto<!--asto?-->.'' ** I wait with listening ears. ** Line 303 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Venit summa dies et ineluctabile tempus<br />Dardaniae.'' ** It is come—the last day and inevitable hour for Troy. ** Lines 324–325 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.'' ** The only hope for the doomed is no hope at all. ** Line 354. Variant translation: The only safe course for the defeated is to expect no safety. * ''Dis<!--Diis?--> aliter visum.'' ** The [[gods]] thought otherwise. ** Line 428 * ''Fit via vi.'' ** Force finds a way. ** Line 494 (tr. Fairclough) ==== Book III ==== [[File:Bauer - Polydorus Polymnestor cropped.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Auri sacra fames!''</p>Accursed hunger for [[gold]]!{{center/e}}]] * ''Quid non mortalia pectora cogis,<br />Auri sacra fames?'' ** To what extremes won't you compel our hearts,<br />you accursed lust for gold? ** Lines 56–57 (tr. Robert Fagles); the murder of [[w:Polydorus (son of Priam)|Polydorus]]. * ''Fama volat.'' ** Rumor flies. ** Line 121 (tr. Fagles) * ''Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum.'' ** An awful misshapen monster, huge, his eyelight lost. ** Line 658 (tr. Mandelbaum); of [[w:Polyphemus|Polyphemus]]. ==== Book IV ==== [[File:Karel Škréta - Dido a Aeneas (1670).jpg|thumbnail|Who can deceive a lover?]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|I sail for Italy not of my own free will.]] * ''Degeneres animos timor arguit.'' ** [[Fear]] is the proof of a degenerate mind. ** Line 13 * ''Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae.'' ** I feel once more the scars of the old [[flame]]. ** Line 23 (tr. C. Day Lewis); Dido acknowledging her love for Aeneas. * ''Fama, malum qua non aliud velocius ullum.'' ** [[Rumor]], swiftest of all the evils in the world. ** Line 174 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Quis fallere possit amantem?'' ** Who can deceive a lover? ** Line 296 * ''Numquam, regina, negabo<br />Promeritam, nec me meminisse pigebit Elissae<br />Dum memor ipse mei, dum spiritus hos regit artus.'' ** I shall never deny what you deserve, my queen,<br />never regret my [[memories]] of Dido, not while I<br />can recall myself and draw the breath of life. ** Lines 334–336 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Italiam non sponte sequor.'' ** I sail for Italy not of my own free will. ** Line 361 (tr. Fitzgerald); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Improbe Amor, quid non mortalia pectora cogis!'' ** Unconscionable Love,<br />To what extremes will you not drive our hearts! ** Line 412 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Σχέτλι᾽ Ἔρως, μέγα πῆμα, μέγα στύγος ἀνθρώποισιν,<br />ἐκ σέθεν οὐλόμεναί τ᾽ ἔριδες στοναχαί τε γόοι τε,<br />ἄλγεά τ᾽ ἄλλ᾽ ἐπὶ τοῖσιν ἀπείρονα τετρήχασιν. **** Unconscionable Love, bane and tormentor of mankind, parent of strife, fountain of tears, source of a thousand ills. **** [[Apollonius of Rhodes]], ''Argonautica'', IV, 445–447 (tr. E. V. Rieu) * ''Fata obstant.'' ** Fate withstands. ** Line 440 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Varium et mutabile semper<br />Femina.'' ** '''Fickle and changeable always is woman.''' ** Lines 569–570 [[File:Death Dido Cayot Louvre MR1780.jpg|thumb|I shall die unavenged,<br />but I shall die.]] * ''Exoriare aliquis nostris ex ossibus ultor.'' ** Let someone arise from my bones as an Avenger. ** Line 625 * ''Vixi, et, quem dederat cursum Fortuna, peregi;<br />Et nunc magna mei sub terras ibit Imago.'' ** I have lived<br />and journeyed through the course assigned by fortune.<br />And now my Shade will pass, illustrious,<br />beneath the earth. ** Lines 653–654 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''‘Moriemur inultae,<br />Sed moriamur’ ait. ‘sic, sic juvat ire sub umbras.’'' ** "I shall die unavenged, but I shall die,"<br />she says. "Thus, thus, I gladly go below<br />to shadows." ** Lines 659–660 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) ==== Book V ==== * ''Furens quid Femina possit.'' ** What a woman can do in frenzy. ** Line 6 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Litus ama.'' ** Hug the shore. ** Line 163 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Giusto di gand e pedro berruguete, virgilio.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Possunt, quia posse videntur.''</p>{{center/e}}<p>They [[Ability|can]] because they [[think]] they can.</p>]] * ''Possunt, quia posse videntur''. ** '''They can because they think they can.''' ** Line 231 (tr. John Conington) * ''Decus et tutamen''. ** An ornament and a safeguard. ** Line 262; inscription on some [[w:One pound (British coin)|British one-pound coins]] up until 2015. The line was suggested by [[John Evelyn]] for the edge legend on the new milled coinage of [[Charles II of England]] from 1662 on to discourage clipping. He had seen it on the edge of a mirror belonging to [[Cardinal Richelieu]] (recorded in his book ''Numismata'' in 1697). The suggestion was adopted. * ''Cede Deo.'' ** Yield to [[God]]. ** Line 467 <!--[[File:Virgilio.png|thumb|Every misfortune is to be subdued by patience.]]--> * ''Superanda omnis fortuna ferendo est.'' ** '''Every [[misfortune]] is to be subdued by [[patience]].''' ** Line 710 ==== Book VI ==== * ''Bella, horrida bella.'' ** [[Wars]], horrid wars. ** Line 86 * ''Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito.'' ** '''Yield not to misfortunes, but advance all the more boldly against them.''' ** Line 95 * ''Obscuris vera involvens.'' ** Wrapping truth in darkness. ** Line 100 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Aeneas and the Sibyl - Google Art Project.jpg|268px|thumb|right|The gates of hell are open night and day;<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.]] * ''Facilis descensus [[w:Lake Avernus|Averno]]<br />Noctes atque dies patet atri ianua [[w:Dis Pater|Ditis]];<br />Sed revocare gradum superasque evadere ad auras,<br />Hoc opus, hic labor est.'' ** '''The gates of [[hell]] are open [[night]] and [[day]];<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.''' ** Lines 126–129 (as translated by [[John Dryden]]) *** Variant translation: ***: It is easy to go down into Hell;<br />Night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide;<br />But to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air—<br />There's the rub, the task. *** Compare: **** Long is the way<br />And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'', Book II, line 432 * ''Fidus Achates.'' ** Faithful [[w:Achates|Achates]]. ** Line 158; phrase often applied to a friend or relative who remains faithful at all events—Achates was Aeneas' most faithful friend. * ''Procul, O procul este, profani!'' ** Away, away, unhallowed ones! ** Line 258 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Nunc animis opus, Aenea, nunc pectore firmo.'' ** Now, Aeneas, is the hour for courage, now for a dauntless heart! ** Line 261 (tr. Fairclough); Sibyl's words to Aeneas as they enter the underworld. * ''Di, quibus imperium est animarum, umbraeque silentes,<br />Et Chaos, et Phlegethon, loca nocte tacentia late,<br />Sit mihi fas audita loqui: sit numine vestro<br />Pandere res alta terra et caligine mersas.'' ** Ye realms, yet unrevealed to human sight,<br />Ye gods who rule the regions of the night,<br />Ye gliding ghosts, permit me to relate<br />The mystic wonders of your silent state! ** Lines 264–267 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Ibant obscuri sola sub nocte per umbram,<br />Perque domos Ditis vacuas et inania regna.'' ** Obscure they went through dreary shades, that led<br />Along the waste dominions of the dead. ** Lines 268–269 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Malesuada Fames.'' ** [[Hunger]] that persuades to evil. ** Line 276 * ''Consanguineus Leti Sopor.'' ** [[Death]]'s own brother [[Sleep]]. ** Line 278 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Stabant orantes primi transmittere cursum<br />Tendebantque manus ripae ulterioris amore.'' ** There all stood begging to be first across<br />And reached out longing hands to the far shore. ** Lines 313–314 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.'' ** Cease to think that the decrees of the gods can be changed by prayers. ** Line 376 * ''Discite justitiam moniti et non temnere divos.'' ** '''Be warned; [[learn]] ye to be [[just]] and not to slight the [[gods]]!''' ** Line 620 (H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''Vendidit hic auro patriam.'' ** This man sold his country for gold. ** Line 621 * ''Non, mihi si linguae centum sunt oraque centum<br />Ferrea vox, omnis scelerum comprendere formas,<br />Omnia poenarum percurrere nomina possim.'' ** Nay, had I a hundred tongues, a hundred mouths, and voice of iron, I could not sum up all the forms of crime, or rehearse all the tale of torments. ** Lines 625–627 (tr. H. R. Fairclough); the punishments of the Inferno. * ''Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes.'' ** They who bettered life on earth by new-found mastery. ** Line 663 (tr. William Morris); the blessed in [[w:Elysium|Elysium]]. A paraphrase of this is inscribed on the [[w:Nobel prize|Nobel prize]] medals for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, and Literature: ''Inventas vitam juvat excoluisse per artes'' ("inventions enhance life which is beautified through art"). [[File:Vergilius.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Mens agitat molem.''</p><p>Mind moves matter.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Ubeleski Aeneas and Anchises.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud.]] * ''Mens agitat molem.'' ** Mind moves matter. ** Line 727 [[File:Anchises.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Quisque suos patimur manis.''</p><p>Each of us bears his own Hell.</p>{{center/e}}]] * ''Quisque suos patimur manis.'' ** '''Each of us bears his own Hell.''' ** Line 743<!--. Compare: "For every man shall bear his own burden." [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]] 6:5 (KJV).--> * ''Te tua fata docebo.'' ** I will teach you your destiny. ** Line 759 (tr. Stanley Lombardo) * ''Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento<br />(Hae tibi erunt artes), pacique imponere morem,<br />Parcere subjectis et debellare superbos.'' ** Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud. ** Lines 851–853 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Tu Marcellus eris.'' ** You will be [[w:Marcus Claudius Marcellus (Julio-Claudian dynasty)|Marcellus]]. ** Line 883 * ''Manibus date lilia plenis.'' ** Give [[lilies]] with full hands. ** Line 883 * ''Sunt geminae Somni portae, quarum altera fertur<br />Cornea, qua veris facilis datur exitus umbris,<br />Altera candenti perfecta nitens elephanto,<br />Sed falsa ad caelum mittunt insomnia Manes.'' ** There are twin Gates of Sleep.<br />One, they say, is called the Gate of Horn<br />and it offers easy passage to all true shades.<br />The other glistens with ivory, radiant, flawless,<br />but through it the dead send false dreams up toward the sky. ** Lines 893–896 (tr. Fagles); the [[w:Gates of horn and ivory|gates of horn and ivory]]. ==== Book VII ==== [[File:Aeneid, Book I; (1886) (14783231252).jpg|thumb|If I cannot sway the [[heavens]], I'll wake the [[powers]] of [[hell]]!]] * ''Major rerum mihi nascitur ordo; <br />Majus opus moveo.'' ** A greater history opens before my eyes,<br />A greater task awaits me. ** Lines 44–45 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo<!--mouebo?-->.'' ** If I cannot sway the heavens, I'll wake the powers of hell! ** Line 312 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Juno. *** Variant translation: ***: If I am unable to make the gods above relent, I shall move Hell. *** Compare: **** Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667), Book I, line 263 **** If Heaven thou can'st not bend, Hell thou shalt move. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad]]'', Book III, line 307 ==== Book VIII ==== * ''Pedibus timor addidit alas.'' ** Fear gave wings to his feet. ** Line 224 (tr. C. Day Lewis) * ''Arte magistra.'' ** By the aid of art. ** Line 442; cf. 12.427. * ''O mihi praeteritos referat si Iuppiter annos.'' ** If only Jupiter would give me back<br />The past years and the man I was... ** Line 560 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book IX ==== [[File:Nisos Euryalos Louvre LL450 n2.jpg|thumb|Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a poppy<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain.]] * ''Dine hunc ardorem mentibus addunt,<br />Euryale, an sua cuique deus fit dira cupido?'' ** Do the gods light this fire in our hearts<br />or does each man's mad desire become his god? ** Lines 184–185 (tr. Fagles) * ''Nequeam lacrimas perferre parentis.'' ** I cannot bear a mother's tears. ** Line 289 * ''Volvitur Euryalus leto, pulchrosque per artus<br />It cruor inque umeros cervix conlapsa recumbit:<br />Purpureus veluti cum flos succisus aratro<br />Languescit moriens; lassove papavera collo<br />Demisere caput, pluvia cum forte gravantur.'' ** Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a [[poppy]]<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain. ** Lines 433–437 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Μήκων δ' ὡς ἑτέρωσε κάρη βάλεν, ἥ τ' ἐνὶ κήπῳ<br />καρπῷ βριθομένη νοτίῃσί τε εἰαρινῇσιν,<br />ὣς ἑτέρωσ' ἤμυσε κάρη πήληκι βαρυνθέν. **** He bent drooping his head to one side, as a garden poppy<br />bends beneath the weight of its yield and the rains of springtime;<br />so his head bent slack to one side beneath the helm's weight. **** [[Homer]], ''Iliad'', VIII, 306–308 (tr. R. Lattimore) [[File:P051514PS-0299 (14565228313).jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo.''</p><p>"No day shall erase you from the memory of time"</p>([[w:National September 11 Memorial & Museum|9/11 Memorial Museum]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Fortunati ambo! si quid mea carmina possunt, <br />Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo,<br />Dum domus Aeneae Capitoli immobile saxum<br />Accolet imperiumque pater Romanus habebit.'' ** How fortunate, [[w:Nisus and Euryalus|both]] at once!<br />If my songs have any power, the day will never dawn<br />that wipes you from the memory of the ages, not while<br />the house of Aeneas stands by the Capitol's rock unshaken,<br />not while the Roman Father rules the world. ** Lines 446–449 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Iuppiter omnipotens, audacibus adnue coeptis.'' ** Jove almighty,<br />nod assent to the daring work I have in hand! ** Line 625 (tr. Fagles) *** Compare: ''[[w:Annuit cœptis|Annuit cœptis]]'' ("[God] has favored our undertaking"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Macte nova virtute, puer, sic itur ad astra.'' ** [[Blessings]] on your young [[courage]], boy; that's the way to the [[stars]]. ** Line 641 ==== Book X ==== * ''Fata viam invenient.'' ** '''Fate will find a way.''' ** Line 113 [[File:Turnus.jpg|thumb|[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].]] * ''Audentes<!--Audentis?--> fortuna iuvat.'' ** '''[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].''' ** Line 284 ** Variant translations: *** Fortune favors the brave. *** Fortune helps the daring. *** Fortune sides with him who dares. ** Compare: *** ''Fortibus est fortuna viris data.'' **** Fortune is given to brave men. **** [[Ennius]], ''Annales'', 257 * ''Stat sua cuique dies, breve et inreparabile tempus<br />Omnibus est vitae; sed famam extendere factis,<br />Hoc virtutis opus.'' ** Every man's last day is fixed.<br />Lifetimes are brief and not to be regained,<br />For all mankind. But by their deeds to make<br />Their fame last: that is labor for the brave. ** Lines 467–469 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book XI ==== * ''Experto credite''. ** Trust the expert. ** Line 283; cf. "[[w:Experto crede|experto crede]]". ** Variant translations: *** Trust one who has gone through it. *** Believe one who has had [[experience]]. * ''Spes sibi quisque.'' ** Each one his own hope. ** Line 30<!--. Compare: "Ech man for hymself." [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''The Canterbury Tales'', 'The Knight's Tale', line 1182--> * ''Nulla salus bello.'' ** There is no salvation in war. ** Line 362 (tr. L. R. Lind) ==== Book XII ==== [[File:Aeneas Latium BM GR1927.12-12.1.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others.]] * ''Aegrescitque medendo.'' ** The attempts to heal enflame the fever more. ** Line 46 (tr. Fagles) * ''Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.'' ** Who knows?<br />Better times may come to those in pain. ** Line 153 (tr. Fagles) * ''Disce, puer, virtutem ex me verumque laborem,<br />Fortunam ex aliis.'' ** Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others. ** Lines 435–436 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) [[File:Aeneas and Turnus.jpg|thumb|upright=1.2|Go no further down the road of hatred.]] * ''Usque adeone mori miserum est?'' ** Is it then so sad a thing to die? ** Line 646 (tr. Alexander Thomson) * ''Ulterius ne tende odiis.'' ** Go no further down the road of hatred. ** Line 938 (tr. Robert Fagles); Turnus asking Aeneas for mercy. * ''Vitaque cum gemitu fugit indignata sub umbras.'' ** And with a groan for that indignity<br />His spirit fled into the gloom below. ** Line 952 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) {{Disputed begin}} == Attributed == * ''Ille ego, qui quondam gracili modulatus avena<br />Carmen, et egressus silvis vicina coegi<br />Ut quamvis avido parerent arva colono,<br />Gratum opus agricolis, at nunc horrentia Martis<!--<br />Arma virumque cano--> ...'' ** I am the poet who once tuned his song<br />On a slender reed and then leaving the woods<br />Compelled the fields to obey the hungry farmer,<br />A pleasing work. But now War's grim and savage<!--<br />Arms I sing—and a man--> ... ** Spurious opening lines of the ''Aeneid'' (tr. Stanley Lombardo), not found in the earliest manuscripts. Attributed to Virgil on the authority of "the grammarian Nisus", who claimed to have "heard from older men" that [[w:Lucius Varius Rufus|Varius]] had "emended the beginning of the first book by striking out" the four introductory lines, as reported in [[Suetonius]]' [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Life of Vergil''], 42 (Loeb translation). [[John Conington]], in his ''Commentary on Vergil's Aeneid'', remarks: "The external evidence of such a story it is impossible to estimate, but its existence suspiciously indicates that the lines were felt to require apology" (Vol. II, p. 30). * ''Facilius esse Herculi clavam quam Homero versum subripere.'' ** It is easier to steal the club of Hercules than a line from [[Homer]]. ** As quoted by [[w:Asconius Pedianus|Asconius Pedianus]], and reported in [[Suetonius]]-[[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]], [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/L/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Vita Vergili''] (''Life of Virgil''), [http://virgil.org/vitae/ 46]. * ''Hos ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.'' ** I made these little verses, another took the honor. ** Epigram attributed to Virgil in [[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]]' ''Life of Virgil''. [[File:Vergil tomb inscription.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.''</p>I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders.{{center/e}}]] * ''Mors aurem vellens, "vivite," ait, "venio."'' ** '''Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says. "I am coming."''' ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Copa'' 38. * ''Color est e pluribus unus.'' ** Many colors blend into one. ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Moretum'' 102. *** Compare: ''[[w:E pluribus unum|E pluribus unum]]'' ("Out of many, one"), motto on the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.'' ** I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders. ** Inscription on Virgil's tomb in Naples (tr. Bernard Knox). {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ''Minuit praesentia famam.'' ** '''Presence diminishes fame.''' ** [[Claudian]], ''De Bello Gildonico'', 385 ** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in an "undoubtedly spurious Italian epistle sometimes printed in <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Dante Alighieri|Dante]]'s] works". ([[w:Edward Moore (scholar)|Edward Moore]], ''Studies in Dante'' [1896], footnote on p. 240.) * Let fraud supply the want of force in war. ** From Book II of [[John Dryden|Dryden]]'s ''Aeneid''; no exact Latin equivalent exists in Virgil's work, but compare: "''Dolus, an virtus, quis in hoste requirat?''" (''Aeneid'' 2.390). * ''Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat inchoare longam.'' ** '''Life's short span forbids us to enter on far reaching hopes.''' ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iv, line 15 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 233--> * ''Virginibus puerisque canto.'' ** I sing for maidens and boys. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode i, line 4 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 231--> * ''Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam,<br />Maiorumque fames.'' ** As [[money]] grows, care follows it and the [[hunger]] for more. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode xvi, lines 17–18 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 51--> * ''Interdum volgus rectum videt, est ubi peccat.'' ** At times the world sees straight, but many times the world goes astray. ** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book II, epistle i, line 63 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 112--> [[File:The noblest motive is the public good - Jefferson Building - Library of Congress.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}"The noblest motive is the public good." ([[w:Library of Congress|Library of Congress]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Vincit amor patriae.'' ** '''The noblest motive is the public good.''' ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''[[w:The Spectator (1711)|The Spectator]]''. Compare ''Aeneid'' 6.823: ''Vincet amor patriae'' ("Love of country shall prevail"). ** "In ''The City of God'' Augustine quoted the line but changed the verb from the future to the present tense (''vincet'' › ''vincit''). That form became a traditional quotation, often reprinted and reproduced on medals, monuments, and family crests. [...] "Vincit amor patriae" appeared at the head of ''Spectator'' no. 200 (October 19, 1711) without translation. The essays from the ''Spectator'' were published and republished as books as early as 1713. To assist readers who lacked Latin or Greek, the editors of the 1744 edition provided English translations for its epigraphs; to "Vincit amor patriae" was added "The noblest Motive is the Publick Good." It stuck. The translation was modernized and made its way into innumerable texts and onto public buildings. It is inscribed on the ceiling of the south corridor of the Library of Congress and attributed to Virgil. A mistranslation became a quotation." —Willis Goth Regier, ''Quotology'' (2010), pp. 40–41. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Virgil == [[File:Quintus Horatius Flaccus.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}Half of my [[soul]]. <br />—[[Horace]]{{center/e}}]] * ''Animae dimidium meae.'' ** Half of my soul. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iii, line 8 * ''Vergilium vidi tantum.'' ** Virgil I only saw. ** [[Ovid]], ''[[w:Tristia|Tristia]]'' ["Sorrows"], IV, x, 51 * ''Ideoque optime institutum est ut ab Homero atque Vergilio lectio inciperet, quamquam ad intellegendas eorum virtutes firmiore iudicio opus est: sed huic rei superest tempus, neque enim semel legentur.'' ** It is therefore an admirable practice which now prevails, to begin by reading [[Homer]] and Vergil, although the intelligence needs to be further developed for the full appreciation of their merits: but there is plenty of time for that since the boy will read them more than once. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'' (c. 95 AD), I, viii, 5 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Vtar enim verbis isdem quae ex Afro Domitio iuvenis excepi, qui mihi interroganti quem Homero crederet maxime accedere "secundus" inquit "est Vergilius, propior tamen primo quam tertio". Et hercule ut illi naturae caelesti atque inmortali cesserimus, ita curae et diligentiae vel ideo in hoc plus est, quod ei fuit magis laborandum, et quantum eminentibus vincimur, fortasse aequalitate pensamus. Ceteri omnes longe sequentur.'' ** I will repeat the words which I heard [[w:Domitius Afer|Domitius Afer]] use in my young days. I asked what poet in his opinion came nearest to Homer, and he replied, "Virgil came nearest to Homer, but is nearer first than third." And in truth, although we must needs bow before the immortal and superhuman genius of Homer, there is greater diligence and exactness in the work of Virgil just because his task was harder. And perhaps the superior uniformity of the Roman's excellence balances Homer's pre-eminence in his outstanding passages. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'', X, i, 86 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Corpore et statura fuit grandi, aquilo colore, facie rusticana, valetudine varia; nam plerumque a stomacho et a faucibus ac dolore capitis laborabat, sanguinem etiam saepe reiecit. Cibi vinique minimi; libidinis in pueros pronioris... Vulgatum est consuesse eum et cum Plotia Hieria. ... Cetera sane vitae et ore et animo tam probum constat, ut Neapoli Parthenias vulgo appellatus sit, ac si quando Romae, quo rarissime commeabat, viseretur in publico, sectantis demonstrantisque se subterfugeret in proximum tectum. '' ** He [Virgil] was tall and of full habit, with a dark complexion and a rustic appearance. His health was variable; for he very often suffered from stomach and throat troubles, as well as with headache; and he also had frequent haemorrhages. He ate and drank but little. He was especially given to passions for boys... It is common report that he also had an intrigue with Plotia Hieria. ... Certain it is that for the rest of his life he was so [[modest]] in speech and thought, that at Naples he was commonly called "Parthenias" ("The Maiden"), and that whenever he appeared in public in Rome, where he very rarely went, he would take refuge in the nearest house, to avoid those who followed and pointed him out. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 8–11, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by [[w:John Carew Rolfe|J. C. Rolfe]]'', Vol. II (1914), p. 467 * ''"Bucolica" triennio, "Georgica" VII, "Aeneida" XI perfecit annis.'' ** The "[[Bucolics]]" he finished in three years, the "[[Georgics]]" in seven, the "[[Aeneid]]" in twelve. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 25, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by J. C. Rolfe'', Vol. II (1914), p. 473 * [[Plato]] of [[Poets]]. ** [[w:Alexander Severus|Alexander Severus]], as quoted in [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]]'s ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 48 * ''Facundia Mantuani multiplex et multiformis est et dicendi genus omne complectitur.'' ** The Mantuan's eloquence is many-sided and diverse, embracing every style. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'' (c. 400), V, i, 4 (Loeb translation) * ''Decem Rhetorum, qui apud Athenas Atticas floruerunt, stylos inter se diversos hunc unum permiscuisse.'' ** He combined, all by himself, the divergent styles of the ten orators who flourished in the Athens of Attica. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'', V, i, 20 (Loeb translation) * ''Intentio Vergilii haec est, Homerum imitari et Augustum laudare a parentibus.'' ** Virgil's intention is to imitate Homer and to praise [[Augustus]] by means of his ancestors. ** [[w:Servius the Grammarian|Servius the Grammarian]], introductory note to his ''Commentary on Virgil's Aeneid'' (c. 400–420), as quoted in ''Antichthon'', Vol. I (1967 ), p. 29 * Καὶ φίλος Αὐσονίοισι λιγύθροος ἔπρεπε κύκνος <br> πνείων εὐεπίης Βεργίλλιος, ὅν ποτε Ῥώμης <br> Θυμβριὰς ἄλλον Ὅμηρον ἀνέτρεφε πάτριος Ηχώ. ** And he stood forth—the clear-voiced swan dear to the Italians, Virgil breathing eloquence, whom his native Echo of Tiber nourished to be another Homer. ** [[w:Christodoros of Thebes|Christodoros of Thebes]], "description of the statues in the public gymnasium called Zeuxippos", ''[[Greek Anthology]]'', II (tr. [[w:William Roger Paton|W. R. Paton]], 1916) * ''Nempe apud Vergilium, quem propterea paruuli legunt, ut uidelicet poeta magnus omniumque praeclarissimus atque optimus teneris ebibitus animis non facile obliuione possit aboleri...'' ** Virgil certainly is held to be a great poet; in fact he is regarded as the best and the most renowned of all poets, and for that reason he is read by children at an early age – they take great draughts of his poetry into their unformed minds, so that they may not easily forget him. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''[[w:The City of God (book)|The City of God]]'' (c. 410), Book I, Chapter 3 (tr. [[w:Henry S. Bettenson|Henry Bettenson]]) * ''Divinus poeta noster.'' ** Our divine poet. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[w:De Monarchia|De Monarchia]]'' (c. 1313), II, iii, 6. * ''Or se' tu quel Virgilio e quella fonte<br />che spandi di parlar sì largo fiume?'' ** Now, art thou that Virgilius and that fountain<br />Which spreads abroad so wide a river of speech? ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[s:The Divine Comedy|The Divine Comedy]]'' (c. 1321), Inferno, I, 79–80 (tr. [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Longfellow]]) [[File:Dante Luca.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore.''</p>You are my master and my author.<br />—[[Dante Alighieri]]{{center/e}}]] *<p>''O de li altri poeti onore e lume,<br />vagliami 'l lungo studio e 'l grande amore<br />che m'ha fatto cercar lo tuo volume.''</p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore, <br />tu se' solo colui da cu' io tolsi <br />lo bello stilo che m'ha fatto onore.'' ** <p>O, of the other poets honour and light,<br />Avail me the long study and great love<br />That have impelled me to explore thy volume!</p>Thou art my master, and my author thou,<br />Thou art alone the one from whom I took<br />The beautiful style that has done honour to me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, I, 82–87 (tr. Longfellow) * ''O anima cortese mantoana<br />Di cui la fama ancor nel mondo dura,<br />E durera quanto 'l moto lontana.'' ** O spirit courteous of [[w:Mantua|Mantua]],<br />Of whom the fame still in the world endures,<br />And shall endure, long-lasting as the world. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 58–60 (tr. Longfellow) * ''Tu duca, tu signore e tu maestro.'' ** You are my guide, you are my lord and teacher. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 140 (tr. Mark Musa) * ''O gloria di Latin, disse, per cui<br />mostrò ciò che potea la lingua nostra...'' ** "O glory of the Latin race," [[w:Sordello|he]] said, "by whom our language showed forth all its power..." ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, VII, 16–17 (tr. Carlyle-Wicksteed) * ''Ma Virgilio n'avea lasciati scemi<br /> di sé, Virgilio, dolcissimo patre,<br /> Virgilio a cui per mia salute die'mi.'' ** But us Virgilius of himself deprived<br />Had left, Virgilius, sweetest of all fathers,<br />Virgilius, to whom I for safety gave me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, XXX, 49–51 (tr. Longfellow) * For thou shalt, by thyn owene experience,<br />Konne in a chayer rede of this sentence<br />Bet than Virgile, while he was on lyve. ** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''[[w:The Canterbury Tales|The Canterbury Tales]]'' (c. 1390), [[s:The Canterbury Tales/The Friar's Prologue and Tale|Friar's Tale]], III.1517–1519 * ''Quem te, inquit, reddidissem,<br />Si te vivum invenissem,<br />Poetarum maxime!'' ** What a man I should have made of you if I had met you in your life, greatest of poets! ** [[Anonymous]] poet at Paris in the twelfth or thirteenth century, describing how [[Paul of Tarsus]], upon visiting the tomb of Virgil at Naples, according to legend, "shed tears of regret at the thought that the poet had not lived at a time when he might have been converted by the Apostle", as reported in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 127, ''A History of Classical Scholarship'' (1903) by [[w:John Sandys (classicist)|John Sandys]], p. 611, and ''The Oxford Companion to Classical Literature'' (2013), ed. M. C. Howatson, p. 592 * Nothing in short was omitted by that godlike man. Only fools would want to add anything; only insolent men to change anything. Sentences, numbers, figures, simplicity, candor, ornaments, nature, art, learning—all is incomparable, or, in a word—Virgilian. ... Let the cravens who contend that the free genius and taste of divine Virgil were prisoners of Homer's inventions hold their peace. It was not thus. The arguments of Homer which nature proposed to him were corrected by Virgil as a schoolboy's theme by his professor. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in "Life of Julius Caesar Scaliger (1484–1558)" by Vernon Hall, Jr. — ''Transactions of the American Philosophical Society'', Vol. 40, Part 2 (1950), p. 153 * ''...exemplum, regula, principium, finis esse debet nobis Maro.'' ** Virgil should be our example, our rule, the beginning and the end. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices libri septem'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 9 [[File:Raffael 075.jpg|thumb|[[Homer]]'s poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth.<br />—[[George Chapman]]]] * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** [[George Chapman]], Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * And for his poesy, 'tis so rammed with life,<br />That it shall gather strength of life, with being,<br />And live hereafter more admired than now. ** [[Ben Jonson]], ''[[w:Poetaster (play)|Poetaster]]'' (1601), Act V, scene i * The chastest poet and royalest that to the memory of man is known. ** [[Francis Bacon]], as quoted in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 128 * Next, Virgil I’ll call forth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; To pledge this second health <br> In wine, whose each cup’s worth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; An Indian commonwealth. ** [[Robert Herrick]], "To Live Merrily, and to Trust to Good Verses", st. 5. ''Hesperides'' (1648) * Hail mighty Maro! may that sacred name<br />Kindle my breast with thy celestial flame;<br />Sublime ideas and apt words infuse,<br />The Muse instruct my voice, and thou inspire the Muse! ** [[Wentworth Dillon, 4th Earl of Roscommon]], ''Essay on Translated Verse'' (1684), lines 173–176 * I looked on Virgil as a succinct and grave majestic writer; one who weighed not only every thought, but every word and syllable. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/180.html Preface to ''Sylvae''] (1685) * He seems to have studied not to be translated. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * There is an inimitable grace in Virgil's words, and in them principally consists that beauty which gives so inexpressible a pleasure to him who best understands their force. This diction of his, I must once again say, is never to be copied; and since it cannot, he will appear but lame in the best translation. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * Virgil had the gift of expressing much in little, and sometimes in silence... ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/194.html The Dedication to ''Examen Poeticum''] (1693) * Virgil is so exact in every word, that none can be changed but for a worse; nor any one removed from its place, but the harmony will be altered. He pretends sometimes to trip; but it is only to make you think him in danger of a fall, when he is most secure. ** [[John Dryden]], ''A Parallel Betwixt Poetry and Painting'' (1695) * [Homer's] Fire burns with extraordinary Heat and Vehemence … Virgil's is a clearer and a chaster Flame ... ** [[Richard Blackmore]], Preface to ''King Arthur'' (1697) [[File:John Dryden portrait painting.jpg|thumb|Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... <br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... ** [[John Dryden]], ''[[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|The Works of Virgil]]'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil cannot be said to copy Homer; the Grecian had only the advantage of writing first. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil, above all poets, had a stock, which I may call almost inexhaustible, of figurative, elegant, and sounding words. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * It long has been this sacred author's fate,<br />To lie at ev'ry dull translator's will:<br />Long, long his muse has groan'd beneath the weight<br />Of mangling [[John Ogilby|Ogleby]]'s presumptuous quill. ** [[w:Henry Graham (of Levens)|Henry Grahme]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=pB0-AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA104 To Mr. Dryden, on His Translation of Virgil]'' (1697) * Virgil was of a quiet, sedate temper; Homer was violent, impetuous, and full of fire. The chief talent of Virgil was propriety of thoughts, and ornament of words. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/39/25.html Preface] to ''Fables, Ancient and Modern'' (1700) * I came home a little later than usual the other night; and, not finding myself inclined to sleep, I took up Virgil, to divert me till I should be more disposed to rest. He is the author whom I always choose on such occasions; no one writing in so divine, so harmonious, nor so equal a strain, which leaves the mind composed and softened into an agreeable melancholy; the temper in which, of all others, I choose to close the day. ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''The Spectator'' 514 (20 October 1712) * When first young Maro in his boundless mind<br />A work to outlast immortal Rome designed,<br />Perhaps he seemed above the critic's law,<br />And but from Nature's fountains scorned to draw:<br />But when to examine every part he came,<br />Nature and [[Homer]] were, he found, the same.<br />Convinced, amazed, he checks the bold design,<br />And rules as strict his laboured work confine,<br />As if [[Aristotle|the Stagirite]] o'erlooked each line. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1711), lines 130–138 * This fire is discerned in Virgil, but discerned as through a glass, reflected from Homer, more shining than fierce, but every where equal and constant. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Homer's Iliad]]'' (1715) * The delight of all ages, and the pattern of all poets. ** [[Voltaire]], ''An Essay on Epic Poetry'' (1727) * Virgil loved rural ease, and, far from harm,<br />Maecenas fix'd him in a neat, snug farm,<br />Where he might free from trouble pass his days<br />In his own way, and pay his rent in praise. ** [[Charles Churchill (satirist)|Charles Churchill]], ''Independence'' (<!--September, -->1764) * The warmest admirers of the great Mantuan poet can extol him for little more than the skill with which he has, by making his hero both a traveller and a warrior, united the beauties of the ''Iliad'' and ''Odyssey'' in one composition; yet his judgment was perhaps sometimes overborne by his avarice of the Homeric treasures; and, for fear of suffering a sparkling ornament to be lost, he has inserted it where it cannot shine with its original splendor. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Rambler'', No. 121 (May 14, 1751) * ''Savez-vous le latin, madame? Non; voilà pourquoi vous me demandez si j'aime mieux Pope que Virgile. Ah! madame, toutes nos langues modernes sont sèches, pauvres, et sans harmonie, en comparaison de celles qu'ont parlées nos premiers maîtres, les Grecs et les Romains. Nous ne sommes que des violons de village. Comment voulez-vous d’ailleurs que je compare des épîtres à un poëme épique, aux amours de Didon, à l'embrasement de Troie, à la descente d'Énée aux enfers? Je crois l<nowiki>'</nowiki>''Essai sur l'Homme'', de Pope, le premier des poëmes didactiques, des poëmes philosophiques; mais ne mettons rien à côté de Virgile. Vous le connaissez par les traductions; mais les poëtes ne se traduisent point. Peut-on traduire de la musique? Je vous plains, madame, avec le goût et la sensibilité éclairée que vous avez, de ne pouvoir lire Virgile.'' ** Do you understand Latin, Madam? No; else you would not have asked whether I like [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] better than Virgil. Ah! Madam, all our modern languages are dry, poor, and wholly devoid of harmony, when compared to those which were spoken by our first masters, the Greeks and the Romans: we are merely to be compared to country fiddlers. Besides, how could you expect me to compare epistles to an epic poem, to the love of Dido, the burning of Troy, and the descent of Aeneas into hell? I think Pope's ''[[Essay on Man]]'' is one of the first and best didactic poems; but do not let us place any work upon an equality with Virgil. You are merely acquainted with him in a French dress; but poets cannot bear translating. Can you translate music? I really pity you, Madam, endowed as you are with such an exquisite degree of taste, and of refined sensibility, for not being able to read Virgil. ** [[Voltaire]], letter to [[Marie Anne de Vichy-Chamrond, marquise du Deffand|Madam du Deffand]] (19 May 1754), in ''The Unpublished Correspondence of Madame Du Deffand'', trans. Mary Meeke, Vol. II (1810), pp. 257–258 * I have this year<!-- [1783]--> read all Virgil through. I read a book of the Æneid every night, so it was done in twelve nights, and I had a great delight in it. The Georgicks did not give me so much pleasure, except the fourth book. The Eclogues I have almost all by heart. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], as quoted in ''The Life of Samuel Johnson'' by [[James Boswell]], Vol. II (1791), p. 454 * The principal and distinguishing excellency of Virgil, and which, in my opinion, he possesses beyond all poets, is [[tenderness]]. Nature had endowed him with exquisite sensibility; he felt every affecting circumstance in the scenes he describes; and, by a single stroke, he knows how to reach the heart. ** [[Hugh Blair]], ''Lectures on Rhetoric and Belles Lettres'', Vol. II (1783), Lecture XLIII: 'The Æneid of Virgil', p. 447 * [The] [[w:Pathos|pathetic]] is Virgil's great excellence in the Æneid, and...in that way he surpasses all other poets of every age and nation, except, perhaps (and only perhaps), Shakspeare. It is on that account that I rank him so very high; for surely to excel in that style which speaks to the heart is the greatest of all excellence. ** [[Charles James Fox]], letter to [[Gilbert Wakefield]] (13 April 1801), in ''Correspondence of the late Gilbert Wakefield with the late Charles James Fox'' (1813), p. 192 * That harmonious plagiary and miserable flatterer, whose cursed hexameters were drilled into me at Harrow. ** [[Lord Byron]], letter to Thomas Moore (11 April 1817), in '' Letters and Journals of Lord Byron, with Notices of his Life, by Thomas Moore'' (1830), p. 329 * Virgil's style is an inimitable mixture of the elaborately ornate, and the majestically plain and touching. ** [[William Wordsworth]], letter to Lord Lonsdale (17 February 1819), in ''Letters of the Wordsworth Family from 1787 to 1855'', collected and ed. by W. Knight, Vol. II (1907), p. 123 * Virgil seems to have copied Greek models completely, imitating them slavishly and lifelessly, and so they appear as plagiarisms more or less devoid of spirit. ** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Vorlesungen über die Philosophie der Religion'', ed. W. Jaeschke, Vol. II, p. 402, as reported and quoted in ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014) by Philip Hardie, p. 14 * If you take from Virgil his diction and metre, what do you leave him? ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Table Talk'' (8 May 1824), in ''Specimens of the Table Talk of the late Samuel Taylor Coleridge'', Vol. I (1835), p. 50 * ''O Virgile! ô poète! ô mon maître divin!'' ** Oh Virgil! Oh [[Poets|poet]]! Oh my [[Holiness|divine]] master! ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Voix intérieures'' (1837), VII, 'À Virgile' * It never occurs to me to place him among the Roman poets of the first order. ** [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Barthold Georg Niebuhr]], ''The History of Rome'', Vol. V (1844), p. 79 * Unless one is a moron, one always dies unsure of one's own value and that of one's works. Virgil himself, as he lay dying, wanted the [[Aeneid]] burned. ** [[Gustave Flaubert]], letter to Louise Colet (19 September 1852), in ''The Letters of Gustave Flaubert: 1830–1857'', selected, edited and translated by Francis Steegmuller (1980), p. 170 * ''Le poète de la latinité tout entière.'' ** The poet of the entire Latin world. ** [[Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve]], ''Étude sur Virgile'' (1857), p. 35, as quoted in ''Why Vergil?: A Collection of Interpretations'' (2000), "Homage to Virgil" by Charles Fantazzi, p. 290 [[File:Matthew Arnold.jpg|thumb|The most attractive figure in literary history. <br />—[[Matthew Arnold]]]] * Over the whole of the great poem of Virgil, over the whole Æneid, there rests an ineffable melancholy: not a rigid, a moody gloom, like the melancholy of [[Lucretius]]; no, a sweet, a touching sadness, but still a sadness; a melancholy which is at once a source of charm in the poem, and a testimony to its incompleteness. Virgil, as [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Niebuhr]] has well said, expressed no affected self-disparagement, but the haunting, the irresistible self-dissatisfaction of his heart, when he desired on his deathbed that his poem might be destroyed. A man of the most delicate genius, the most rich learning, but of weak health, of the most sensitive nature, in a great and overwhelming world; conscious, at heart, of his inadequacy for the thorough spiritual mastery of that world and its interpretation in a work of art; conscious of this inadequacy—the one inadequacy, the one weak place in the mighty Roman nature! This suffering, this graceful-minded, this finely-gifted man is the most beautiful, the most attractive figure in literary history; but he is not the adequate interpreter of the great period of Rome. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], "On the Modern Element in Literature" (1857), lecture published in ''On the Classical Tradition'' (1960) ed. by R. H. Super, p. 35 * He writes passionately, because he feels keenly; forcibly, because he conceives vividly; he sees too clearly to be vague; he is too serious to be otiose; he can analyze his subject, and therefore he is rich; he embraces it as a whole and in its parts, and therefore he is consistent; he has a firm hold of it, and therefore he is luminous. When his imagination wells up, it overflows in ornament; when his heart is touched, it thrills along his verse. He always has the right word for the right idea, and never a word too much. If he is brief, it is because few words suffice; when he is lavish of them, still each word has its mark, and aids, not embarrasses, the vigorous march of his elocution. He expresses what all feel, but all cannot say; and his sayings pass into proverbs among his people, and his phrases become household words and idioms of their daily speech, which is tesselated with the rich fragments of his language, as we see in foreign lands the marbles of Roman grandeur worked into the walls and pavements of modern palaces.<br />Such pre-eminently is Shakespeare among ourselves; such pre-eminently Virgil among the Latins; such in their degree are all those writers who in every nation go by the name of Classics. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/24526/24526-h/24526-h.html The Idea of a University]'' (1858) * Virgil imitated Homer, but imitated him as a [[rival]], not as a disciple. ** [[John Conington]], ''P. Vergili Maronis Opera, with a Commentary by John Conington, M.A.'', Vol. II (1863), Introduction, p. 27 * His single words and phrases, his pathetic half-lines giving utterance, are as the voice of Nature herself, to that pain and weariness, yet hope of better things, which is the experience of her children in every time. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''An Essay in Aid of a Grammar of Assent'' (1870) [[File:Biblioteca moreniana, sala stucchi 05 virgilio.JPG|thumb|Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man.<br />—[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]]]] * My lord, you know what Virgil sings—<br />Woman is various and most mutable. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''Queen Mary'' (1875), Act III, scene vi. Cf. ''Aeneid'' 4.569 * Roman Virgil, thou that singest Ilion's lofty temples robed in fire. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 1 * Thou that singest wheat and woodland, tilth and vineyard, hive and horse and herd;<br />All the charm of all the Muses often flowering in a lonely word. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 3 * Thou that seest Universal Nature moved by Universal Mind;<br />Thou majestic in thy sadness at the doubtful doom of human kind. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 6 * Sound for ever of Imperial Rome. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 8 * I salute thee, Mantovano, I that loved thee since my day began,<br />Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 10 * Hundreds of Virgil's lines are for most of us familiar quotations, which linger in our memory, and round which our literary associations cluster and hang, just as religious feeling clings to well-known texts or passages of Scripture. ** [[Charles Bowen, Baron Bowen|Charles Bowen]], Preface to ''Virgil in English Verse'' (1887) * Of all that [Homer] knew he sang, but Virgil could only follow and imitate, with a pale antiquarian interest, the things that were alive for Homer. ** [[Andrew Lang]], letter to Lady Violet Lebas in ''Letters on Literature'' (1892), p. 65 <!-- * He who in the days of yore<br />Sang of pastures, sang of farms,<br />Sang of heroes and their arms,<br />Sang of passion, sang of war. ** Robert Cameron Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) * Then the soul of Virgil seems<br />To awaken from its dreams,<br />To sing again the melodies<br />Of which he often tells,—<br />The music of the birds,<br />The lowing of the herds,<br />The tinkling of the bells. ** R. C. Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) --> * The use which the grammarians made of Vergil is so extensive that, if all the [[w:Manuscripts|MSS.]] of him had been lost, it would be possible from the notices given us by the ancients of the Vergilian poems, and the passages quoted from them by the grammarians alone, to reconstruct practically the whole of the ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'', and the ''Aeneid''. ** [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]], ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 32 * [Virgil] borrows royally from nearly every older master of style. Yet the result, if a mosaic, at least remains clear, beautiful, even harmonious, in its general design and effect. ** [[w:William Cranston Lawton|William Cranston Lawton]], "Virgil" in ''Library of the World's Best Literature'' (1897), p. 15421 * But it is to beauty that, like [[Dante]], one returns as the final fact and feature of his style. Under Virgil's verbal sorcery, Latin becomes a golden language of exquisite richness, veined with a delicate melancholy and wistful reverie upon the abundant travail of life. If his wealth of tremulous pities and mystic dreams do not make true poetry, then poetry was never written. ** John Wight Duff, ''A Literary History of Rome'' (1909), p. 349 * Does [Aeneas] really resemble Odysseus at any point? No—there is no greater difference within the whole compass of ancient literature; and to understand that is to see how absurd are those critics who would dismiss Virgil contemptuously as a mere plagiarist and imitator of Homer. There is no more profound or astonishing originality in all the literature of antiquity than Virgil's; and that precisely because it operates within the limits imposed by the inherited and traditional forms, which it reverently observes. ** [[w:Theodor Haecker|Theodor Haecker]], ''Virgil, Father of the West'' (1934), tr. [[w:Arthur Wesley Wheen|A. W. Wheen]], p. 70 * With Virgil European poetry grows up. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''A Preface to Paradise Lost'' (1942), Chapter 6: "Virgil and the Subject of Secondary Epic" [[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|Our classic, the classic of all Europe, is Virgil.<br />—[[T. S. Eliot]]]] * [Aeneas] is the symbol of Rome; and, as Aeneas is to Rome, so is ancient Rome to Europe. Thus Virgil acquires the centrality of the unique classic; he is at the centre of European civilisation, in a position which no other poet can share or usurp. The Roman Empire and the Latin language were not any empire and any language, but an empire and a language with a unique destiny in relation to ourselves, and the poet in whom that Empire and that language came to consciousness and expression is a poet of unique destiny. [...] No modern language can hope to produce a classic, in the sense in which I have called Virgil a classic. Our classic, '''the classic of all Europe''', is Virgil. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "What is a Classic?" (1944) * I think that he had few illusions and that he saw clearly both sides of every question—the case for the loser as well as the case for the winner. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951), published in ''The Listener'' (13 September 1951) * Virgil, among classical Latin poets or prose writers, is uniquely near to Christianity. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * ...in the sense in which a poet is a philosopher … Virgil is the greatest philosopher of ancient Rome. ...Virgil was, among all authors of classical antiquity, one for whom the world made sense, for whom it had order and dignity, and for whom, as for no one before his time except the Hebrew prophets, history had meaning. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * No, Virgil, no:<br />Not even the first of the Romans can learn<br />His Roman history in the future tense,<br />Not even to serve your political turn;<br />Hindsight as foresight makes no sense. ** [[W. H. Auden]], "Secondary Epic" (1959), opening lines * Why Virgil's poems have for the last two thousand years exercised so great an influence on our Western culture is, paradoxically, because he was a renegade to the true Muse. His pliability; his subservience; his narrowness; his denial of that stubborn imaginative freedom which the true poets who preceded him had prized; his perfect lack of originality, courage, humour, or even animal spirits: these were the negative qualities which first commended him to government circles and have kept him in public favour ever since. [...] Few poets have brought such discredit as Virgil on their sacred calling. ** [[Robert Graves]], "The Virgil Cult" (1961), in ''The Virginia Quarterly Review'', Vol. 38, no. 1 (1962), pp. 13–35; partially quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 14, and in Richard Jenkyns's ''The Legacy of Rome: A New Appraisal'' (1992), p. 142. * Virgil's narrative style...is ''subjective'' or more accurately, ''empathetic-sympathetic''. Virgil not only reads the minds of his characters; he constantly communicates to us his own reactions to them and to their behaviour. ** [[w:Brooks Otis|Brooks Otis]], ''Virgil: A Study in Civilized Poetry'' (1964), p. 88 * Homer is a world; Virgil, a style. ** [[w:Mark Van Doren|Mark Van Doren]], as quoted in Allen Mandelbaum, trans., ''The Aeneid of Virgil'' (1971), p. vi * Like every human being, a poet has to deal with three questions: how, what for, and in the name of what to live. The ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'' and the ''Aeneid'' answer all three, and these answers apply equally to the Emperor and to his subjects, to antiquity as well as to our times. The modern reader may use Virgil in the same way that [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]] used him in his passage through Hell and Purgatory: as a guide. ** [[Joseph Brodsky]], "Virgil: Older than Christianity, a Poet for the New Age", in ''Vogue'' (October 1981), p. 180 * For Virgil all war is mad and one cannot conduct oneself morally on the battlefield. ** K. W Gransden, "War and Peace", in [[w:Harold Bloom|Harold Bloom]]'s ''Virgil's Aeneid'' (1987), p. 143 * Virgil's influence on English literature has been enormous. He was [[Edmund Spenser]]'s constant inspiration for the fanciful beauty of ''[[The Faerie Queene]]''. The ''[[Aeneid]]'' was the model for [[John Milton]]'s ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' not only in epic structure and machinery but also in style and diction. In the English Augustan age, [[John Dryden]] and countless others held that Virgil's poetry had reached the ultimate perfection of form and ethical content. There was some reaction against him in the Romantic period, but the Victorians, such as [[Matthew Arnold]] and [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], rediscovered in full measure that sensitivity and pathos that the Romantics had complained that Virgil lacked. ** ''[[w:Encyclopædia Britannica|Encyclopaedia Britannica]]'', "Virgil" in ''The New Encyclopædia Britannica'' (15th ed., 1993), pp. 500–501 * Virgil is too important to be left to the classicists. ** [[w:Theodore Ziolkowski|Theodore Ziolkowski]], ''Virgil and the Moderns'' (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1993), p. ix * At every step I have seen how impossible it is to translate Virgil, especially his unequaled blend of grandeur and accessibility..., of eloquence and action, heroics and humanity. ** [[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]], "Translator's Postscript" to Virgil, ''The Aeneid'' (New York: Viking, 2006), p. 389 == See also == * [[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|''The Works of Virgil'' (trans. John Dryden)]] == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Wikisource-inline|Author:Virgil}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/verg.html Original texts of Virgil's works at The Latin Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Virgil}} [[Category:Virgil]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] r1e2mtsfxb0cxiwm29d79z724yfh4le 3944311 3944308 2026-05-23T00:33:29Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Virgil */ 3944311 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Parco_della_Grotta_di_Posillipo5_(crop).jpg|thumb|right|'''Love conquers all.''']] '''[[w:Virgil|Publius Vergilius Maro]]''' (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), known in English as '''Virgil''' or '''Vergil''', was a [[Rome|Roman]] poet, the [[Authors|author]] of the ''[[Eclogues]]'', the ''[[Georgics]]'' and the ''[[Aeneid]]'', the last being an epic poem of twelve books that became the [[Roman Empire]]'s national epic. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Eclogues|Eclogues]]'' (37 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Eclogues]]''''' * ''Parvis componere magna.'' ** To compare great things with small. ** Book I, line 23 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori.'' ** Trust not too much to that enchanting face;<br />Beauty's a charm, but soon the charm will pass. ** Book II, line 17 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Trahit sua quemque voluptas.'' ** Everyone is dragged on by their favorite pleasure. ** Book II, line 65 * ''Quae te dementia cepit!'' ** What madness has seized you? ** Book II, line 69 [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866207).jpg|thumb|A snake lurks in the grass.]] * ''Nunc omnis ager, nunc omnis parturit arbor;<br />Nunc frondent sylvae, nunc formosissimus annus.'' ** Every field, every tree is now budding; now the woods are green, now the year is at its loveliest. ** Book III, lines 56–57 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Latet anguis in herba.'' ** A snake lurks in the grass. ** Book III, line 93 * ''Magnus ab integro saeclorum nascitur ordo.'' ** The great line of the centuries begins anew. ** Book IV, line 5 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: ''[[w:Novus ordo seclorum|Novus ordo seclorum]]'' ("New order of the ages"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Incipe, parve puer, risu cognoscere matrem.'' ** Begin, baby boy, to recognize your mother with a smile. ** Book IV, line 60 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.''</p>Now I know what [[Love]] is.{{center/e}}]] * ''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.'' ** Now I know what [[Love]] is. ** Book VIII, line 43 (tr. R. C. Trevelyan) * ''Non omnia possumus omnes.'' ** We cannot all do everything. ** Book VIII, line 63 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Carpent tua poma nepotes.'' ** Your descendants shall gather your fruits. ** Book IX, line 50 * ''Omnia fert aetas, animum quoque''. ** [[Time]] bears away all things, even our [[minds]]. ** Book IX, line 51 * ''Cantantes licet usque (minus via laedit) eamus''. ** Let us go [[singing]] as far as we go: the road will be less tedious. ** Book IX, line 64 * ''Omnia vincit Amor; et nos cedamus Amori.'' ** Love conquers all; let us, too, yield to Love! ** Book X, line 69 (tr. Fairclough) ===''[[w:Georgics|Georgics]]'' (29 BC)=== :''Main article: '''[[Georgics]]''''' * ''Audacibus annue coeptis.'' ** Look with favor upon a bold beginning. ** Book I, line 40 * ''Umida<!--Humida?--> solstitia atque hiemes orate serenas,<br />agricolae.'' ** O farmers, pray that your summers be wet and your winters clear. ** Book I, lines 100–101 * ''Ut varias usus meditando extunderet artis<br />paulatim.'' ** [[Practice]] and [[thought]] might gradually forge many an [[art]]. ** Book I, lines 133–134 [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil...]] <!--[[File:Roman harvester, Trier.jpg|thumb|<p>''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint, agricolas!''</p>How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]], are [[farmers]]!]]--> * ''Labor omnia vicit<!--uicit--><br />improbus et duris urgens in rebus egestas.'' ** '''[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil''', and [[want]] that pinches when life is hard. ** Book I, lines 145–146 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough). *** Compare: ''[[w:Labor omnia vincit|Labor omnia vincit]]'' ("Work conquers all"), the state motto of [[Oklahoma]]. * ''In primis venerare Deos.'' ** Above all, worship the gods. ** Book I, line 338 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Adeo in teneris consuescere multum est.'' ** So strong is habit in tender years. ** Book II, line 272 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: "Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined." [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays: Epistle I'' (1734), line 150. * ''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint<br />Agricolas, quibus ipsa, procul discordibus armis,<br />Fundit humo facilem victum justissima tellus!'' ** How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]],<br />Are [[farmers]], more than lucky, they for whom,<br />Far from the clash of arms, the earth herself,<br />Most fair in dealing, freely lavishes<br />An easy livelihood. ** Book II, lines 458–460 (tr. L. P. Wilkinson) * ''Rura mihi et rigui placeant in vallibus amnes,<br />Flumina amem sylvasque inglorius.'' ** Let my [[delight]] be the [[Country life|country]], and the running [[streams]] amid the dells—may I love the [[waters]] and the [[woods]], though I be unknown to [[fame]]. ** Book II, lines 485–486 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Lucretius Rome.jpg|thumb|[[Happy]] the [[man]], who, [[studying]] [[nature]]'s [[laws]],<br />Through [[known]] effects can trace the [[secret]] [[cause]].]] [[File:A butterfly feeding on the tears of a turtle in Ecuador.jpg|thumbnail|{{center/s}}Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.{{center/e}}]][[File:KreweNereusInvite1900.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}''Tempus fugit.'' ([[Time]] flies.){{center/e}}]] *''Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.'' ** '''[[Blessed]] is he who has been able to win [[knowledge]] of the causes of things.''' ** Book II, line 490 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough); homage to [[Lucretius]]. *** [[John Dryden]]'s translation: ***: Happy the man, who, studying nature's laws,<br />Thro' known effects can trace the secret cause. * ''Optima quaeque dies miseris mortalibus aevi<br />Prima fugit; subeunt morbi tristisque senectus<br />Et labor, et durae rapit inclementia mortis.'' ** In youth alone, unhappy mortals live;<br />But, ah! the mighty bliss is fugitive:<br />Discolored sickness, anxious labor, come,<br />And age, and [[death]]'s inexorable doom. ** Book III, lines 66–68 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Amor omnibus idem.'' ** '''Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.''' ** Book III, lines 242–244 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Sed fugit interea, fugit irreparabile<!--inreparabile?--> tempus.'' ** But meanwhile it is flying, irretrievable time is flying. ** Book III, line 284; often quoted as ''tempus fugit'' ('time flies'). *** Compare [[Poor Richard's Almanack|Poor Richard's maxim]] of 1748: "Lost Time is never found again." * ''Alitur vitium, vivitque tegendo.'' ** [[Vice]] thrives and lives by concealment. ** Book III, line 454 * ''Si parva licet componere magnis.'' ** If we may [[compare]] small things with great. ** Book IV, line 176 (tr. Fairclough). Cf. ''Eclogues'' 1.23. * ''Nec morti esse locum.'' ** There is no place for death. ** Book IV, line 226 * ''Fata vocant.'' ** The fates call. ** Book IV, line 496 * ''Illo Vergilium me tempore dulcis alebat<br />Parthenope studiis florentem ignobilis oti.'' ** In those days I, Virgil, was nursed of sweet [[Naples|Parthenope]], and rejoiced in the arts of inglorious ease. ** Book IV, lines 563–564 (tr. Fairclough) === ''[[w:Aeneid|Aeneid]]'' (29–19 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Aeneid]]''''' ==== Book I ==== [[File:Aeneas' Flight from Troy by Federico Barocci.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Arma virumque cano.''</p>I sing of arms and a man.{{center/e}}]] * ''Arma virumque cano.'' ** '''I sing of arms and a man.''' ** Line 1 * ''Tantaene animis caelestibus irae?'' ** Can such resentment hold the minds of gods? ** Line 11 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''Tantae molis erat Romanam condere gentem!'' ** So hard and huge a task it was to found the Roman people. ** Line 33 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) *''O terque quaterque beati!'' ** O three and four times [[blessed]]! ** Line 95 * ''Apparent rari nantes in gurgite vasto.'' ** Here and there are seen swimmers in the vast abyss. ** Line 118 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil Mosaic Bardo Museum Tunis-cropped 4.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.''</p><p>Some day, perhaps, remembering even this will be a pleasure.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Вергілій. Вікіджерела.png|thumbnail|Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.]] * ''Furor arma ministrat.'' ** Rage supplies arms. ** Line 150 * ''O socii—neque enim ignari sumus ante malorum—<br />O passi graviora, dabit deus his quoque finem.'' ** Friends and companions,<br />Have we not known hard hours before this?<br />My men, who have endured still greater dangers,<br />God will grant us an end to these as well. ** Lines 198–199 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.'' ** Some day, perhaps, [[remembering]] even this<br />Will be a [[pleasure]]. ** Line 203 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Durate, et vosmet rebus servate secundis.'' ** '''Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.''' ** Line 207 (tr. Fairclough); spoken by Aeneas. *** John Dryden's translation: ***: '''[[Endure]] the hardships of your present state,<br />[[Live]], and reserve yourselves for [[better]] [[fate]].''' * ''Dux femina facti.'' ** The leader of the enterprise a [[woman]]. ** Line 364 (tr. Fairclough); of [[w:Dido|Dido]]. * ''Data fata secutus.'' ** Following what is decreed by fate. ** Line 382 * ''Mirabile dictu.'' ** Wonderful to tell. ** Line 439 * ''Sunt hic etiam sua praemia laudi,<br />Sunt [[w:Lacrimae rerum|lacrimae rerum]] et mentem mortalia tangunt.'' ** Even here, merit will have its true reward...<br />even here, '''the world is a world of [[tears]]<br />and the burdens of mortality touch the heart.''' ** Lines 461–462 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:Dido Receiving Aeneas.jpg|thumb|No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy.]] * ''Mens sibi conscia recti.'' ** A mind conscious of its own rectitude. ** Line 604 * ''Semper honos nomenque tuum laudesque manebunt.'' ** Your honor, your name, your praise will live forever. ** Line 609 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Non ignara mali miseris succurrere disco.'' ** No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy. ** Line 630, as translated in ''The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' (1999)<!--, p. 793-->; spoken by Dido. ==== Book II ==== *''Infandum, regina, jubes<!--iubes?--> renovare dolorem.'' ** Sorrow too deep to tell, your majesty,<br />You order me to feel and tell once more. ** Line 3 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald); these are the opening words of Aeneas's narrative about the fall of Troy, addressed to Queen Dido of Carthage. * ''Quis talia fando<br />Temperet a lacrimis?'' ** Who could tell such things and still refrain from [[tears]]? ** Lines 6 and 8 (tr. Fagles) [[File:Giovanni Domenico Tipeolo, Procession of the Trojan Horse in Troy, 1760.jpg|thumb|Do not trust the [[horse]], Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring [[gifts]].]] * ''Equo ne credite, Teucri.<br />quidquid id est, [[w:Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes|timeo Danaos et dona ferentes]].'' ** '''Do not trust the horse, Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts.''' ** Lines 48–49; Trojan priest of Apollo warning against the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] left by the Greeks. * ''In utrumque paratus.'' ** Prepared for either alternative. ** Line 61 * ''Ab uno disce omnes.'' ** From one learn all. ** Lines 65–66 (tr. Fairclough) *''Horresco referens.'' ** I shudder as I tell the tale. ** Line 204 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Tacitae per amica silentia lunae.'' ** Amid the friendly [[silence]] of the peaceful moon. ** Line 255 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Quantum mutatus ab illo.'' ** How [[changed]] from what he once was! ** Line 274 * ''Arrectis auribus adsto<!--asto?-->.'' ** I wait with listening ears. ** Line 303 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Venit summa dies et ineluctabile tempus<br />Dardaniae.'' ** It is come—the last day and inevitable hour for Troy. ** Lines 324–325 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.'' ** The only hope for the doomed is no hope at all. ** Line 354. Variant translation: The only safe course for the defeated is to expect no safety. * ''Dis<!--Diis?--> aliter visum.'' ** The [[gods]] thought otherwise. ** Line 428 * ''Fit via vi.'' ** Force finds a way. ** Line 494 (tr. Fairclough) ==== Book III ==== [[File:Bauer - Polydorus Polymnestor cropped.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Auri sacra fames!''</p>Accursed hunger for [[gold]]!{{center/e}}]] * ''Quid non mortalia pectora cogis,<br />Auri sacra fames?'' ** To what extremes won't you compel our hearts,<br />you accursed lust for gold? ** Lines 56–57 (tr. Robert Fagles); the murder of [[w:Polydorus (son of Priam)|Polydorus]]. * ''Fama volat.'' ** Rumor flies. ** Line 121 (tr. Fagles) * ''Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum.'' ** An awful misshapen monster, huge, his eyelight lost. ** Line 658 (tr. Mandelbaum); of [[w:Polyphemus|Polyphemus]]. ==== Book IV ==== [[File:Karel Škréta - Dido a Aeneas (1670).jpg|thumbnail|Who can deceive a lover?]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|I sail for Italy not of my own free will.]] * ''Degeneres animos timor arguit.'' ** [[Fear]] is the proof of a degenerate mind. ** Line 13 * ''Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae.'' ** I feel once more the scars of the old [[flame]]. ** Line 23 (tr. C. Day Lewis); Dido acknowledging her love for Aeneas. * ''Fama, malum qua non aliud velocius ullum.'' ** [[Rumor]], swiftest of all the evils in the world. ** Line 174 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Quis fallere possit amantem?'' ** Who can deceive a lover? ** Line 296 * ''Numquam, regina, negabo<br />Promeritam, nec me meminisse pigebit Elissae<br />Dum memor ipse mei, dum spiritus hos regit artus.'' ** I shall never deny what you deserve, my queen,<br />never regret my [[memories]] of Dido, not while I<br />can recall myself and draw the breath of life. ** Lines 334–336 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Italiam non sponte sequor.'' ** I sail for Italy not of my own free will. ** Line 361 (tr. Fitzgerald); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Improbe Amor, quid non mortalia pectora cogis!'' ** Unconscionable Love,<br />To what extremes will you not drive our hearts! ** Line 412 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Σχέτλι᾽ Ἔρως, μέγα πῆμα, μέγα στύγος ἀνθρώποισιν,<br />ἐκ σέθεν οὐλόμεναί τ᾽ ἔριδες στοναχαί τε γόοι τε,<br />ἄλγεά τ᾽ ἄλλ᾽ ἐπὶ τοῖσιν ἀπείρονα τετρήχασιν. **** Unconscionable Love, bane and tormentor of mankind, parent of strife, fountain of tears, source of a thousand ills. **** [[Apollonius of Rhodes]], ''Argonautica'', IV, 445–447 (tr. E. V. Rieu) * ''Fata obstant.'' ** Fate withstands. ** Line 440 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Varium et mutabile semper<br />Femina.'' ** '''Fickle and changeable always is woman.''' ** Lines 569–570 [[File:Death Dido Cayot Louvre MR1780.jpg|thumb|I shall die unavenged,<br />but I shall die.]] * ''Exoriare aliquis nostris ex ossibus ultor.'' ** Let someone arise from my bones as an Avenger. ** Line 625 * ''Vixi, et, quem dederat cursum Fortuna, peregi;<br />Et nunc magna mei sub terras ibit Imago.'' ** I have lived<br />and journeyed through the course assigned by fortune.<br />And now my Shade will pass, illustrious,<br />beneath the earth. ** Lines 653–654 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''‘Moriemur inultae,<br />Sed moriamur’ ait. ‘sic, sic juvat ire sub umbras.’'' ** "I shall die unavenged, but I shall die,"<br />she says. "Thus, thus, I gladly go below<br />to shadows." ** Lines 659–660 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) ==== Book V ==== * ''Furens quid Femina possit.'' ** What a woman can do in frenzy. ** Line 6 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Litus ama.'' ** Hug the shore. ** Line 163 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Giusto di gand e pedro berruguete, virgilio.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Possunt, quia posse videntur.''</p>{{center/e}}<p>They [[Ability|can]] because they [[think]] they can.</p>]] * ''Possunt, quia posse videntur''. ** '''They can because they think they can.''' ** Line 231 (tr. John Conington) * ''Decus et tutamen''. ** An ornament and a safeguard. ** Line 262; inscription on some [[w:One pound (British coin)|British one-pound coins]] up until 2015. The line was suggested by [[John Evelyn]] for the edge legend on the new milled coinage of [[Charles II of England]] from 1662 on to discourage clipping. He had seen it on the edge of a mirror belonging to [[Cardinal Richelieu]] (recorded in his book ''Numismata'' in 1697). The suggestion was adopted. * ''Cede Deo.'' ** Yield to [[God]]. ** Line 467 <!--[[File:Virgilio.png|thumb|Every misfortune is to be subdued by patience.]]--> * ''Superanda omnis fortuna ferendo est.'' ** '''Every [[misfortune]] is to be subdued by [[patience]].''' ** Line 710 ==== Book VI ==== * ''Bella, horrida bella.'' ** [[Wars]], horrid wars. ** Line 86 * ''Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito.'' ** '''Yield not to misfortunes, but advance all the more boldly against them.''' ** Line 95 * ''Obscuris vera involvens.'' ** Wrapping truth in darkness. ** Line 100 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Aeneas and the Sibyl - Google Art Project.jpg|268px|thumb|right|The gates of hell are open night and day;<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.]] * ''Facilis descensus [[w:Lake Avernus|Averno]]<br />Noctes atque dies patet atri ianua [[w:Dis Pater|Ditis]];<br />Sed revocare gradum superasque evadere ad auras,<br />Hoc opus, hic labor est.'' ** '''The gates of [[hell]] are open [[night]] and [[day]];<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.''' ** Lines 126–129 (as translated by [[John Dryden]]) *** Variant translation: ***: It is easy to go down into Hell;<br />Night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide;<br />But to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air—<br />There's the rub, the task. *** Compare: **** Long is the way<br />And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'', Book II, line 432 * ''Fidus Achates.'' ** Faithful [[w:Achates|Achates]]. ** Line 158; phrase often applied to a friend or relative who remains faithful at all events—Achates was Aeneas' most faithful friend. * ''Procul, O procul este, profani!'' ** Away, away, unhallowed ones! ** Line 258 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Nunc animis opus, Aenea, nunc pectore firmo.'' ** Now, Aeneas, is the hour for courage, now for a dauntless heart! ** Line 261 (tr. Fairclough); Sibyl's words to Aeneas as they enter the underworld. * ''Di, quibus imperium est animarum, umbraeque silentes,<br />Et Chaos, et Phlegethon, loca nocte tacentia late,<br />Sit mihi fas audita loqui: sit numine vestro<br />Pandere res alta terra et caligine mersas.'' ** Ye realms, yet unrevealed to human sight,<br />Ye gods who rule the regions of the night,<br />Ye gliding ghosts, permit me to relate<br />The mystic wonders of your silent state! ** Lines 264–267 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Ibant obscuri sola sub nocte per umbram,<br />Perque domos Ditis vacuas et inania regna.'' ** Obscure they went through dreary shades, that led<br />Along the waste dominions of the dead. ** Lines 268–269 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Malesuada Fames.'' ** [[Hunger]] that persuades to evil. ** Line 276 * ''Consanguineus Leti Sopor.'' ** [[Death]]'s own brother [[Sleep]]. ** Line 278 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Stabant orantes primi transmittere cursum<br />Tendebantque manus ripae ulterioris amore.'' ** There all stood begging to be first across<br />And reached out longing hands to the far shore. ** Lines 313–314 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.'' ** Cease to think that the decrees of the gods can be changed by prayers. ** Line 376 * ''Discite justitiam moniti et non temnere divos.'' ** '''Be warned; [[learn]] ye to be [[just]] and not to slight the [[gods]]!''' ** Line 620 (H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''Vendidit hic auro patriam.'' ** This man sold his country for gold. ** Line 621 * ''Non, mihi si linguae centum sunt oraque centum<br />Ferrea vox, omnis scelerum comprendere formas,<br />Omnia poenarum percurrere nomina possim.'' ** Nay, had I a hundred tongues, a hundred mouths, and voice of iron, I could not sum up all the forms of crime, or rehearse all the tale of torments. ** Lines 625–627 (tr. H. R. Fairclough); the punishments of the Inferno. * ''Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes.'' ** They who bettered life on earth by new-found mastery. ** Line 663 (tr. William Morris); the blessed in [[w:Elysium|Elysium]]. A paraphrase of this is inscribed on the [[w:Nobel prize|Nobel prize]] medals for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, and Literature: ''Inventas vitam juvat excoluisse per artes'' ("inventions enhance life which is beautified through art"). [[File:Vergilius.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Mens agitat molem.''</p><p>Mind moves matter.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Ubeleski Aeneas and Anchises.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud.]] * ''Mens agitat molem.'' ** Mind moves matter. ** Line 727 [[File:Anchises.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Quisque suos patimur manis.''</p><p>Each of us bears his own Hell.</p>{{center/e}}]] * ''Quisque suos patimur manis.'' ** '''Each of us bears his own Hell.''' ** Line 743<!--. Compare: "For every man shall bear his own burden." [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]] 6:5 (KJV).--> * ''Te tua fata docebo.'' ** I will teach you your destiny. ** Line 759 (tr. Stanley Lombardo) * ''Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento<br />(Hae tibi erunt artes), pacique imponere morem,<br />Parcere subjectis et debellare superbos.'' ** Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud. ** Lines 851–853 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Tu Marcellus eris.'' ** You will be [[w:Marcus Claudius Marcellus (Julio-Claudian dynasty)|Marcellus]]. ** Line 883 * ''Manibus date lilia plenis.'' ** Give [[lilies]] with full hands. ** Line 883 * ''Sunt geminae Somni portae, quarum altera fertur<br />Cornea, qua veris facilis datur exitus umbris,<br />Altera candenti perfecta nitens elephanto,<br />Sed falsa ad caelum mittunt insomnia Manes.'' ** There are twin Gates of Sleep.<br />One, they say, is called the Gate of Horn<br />and it offers easy passage to all true shades.<br />The other glistens with ivory, radiant, flawless,<br />but through it the dead send false dreams up toward the sky. ** Lines 893–896 (tr. Fagles); the [[w:Gates of horn and ivory|gates of horn and ivory]]. ==== Book VII ==== [[File:Aeneid, Book I; (1886) (14783231252).jpg|thumb|If I cannot sway the [[heavens]], I'll wake the [[powers]] of [[hell]]!]] * ''Major rerum mihi nascitur ordo; <br />Majus opus moveo.'' ** A greater history opens before my eyes,<br />A greater task awaits me. ** Lines 44–45 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo<!--mouebo?-->.'' ** If I cannot sway the heavens, I'll wake the powers of hell! ** Line 312 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Juno. *** Variant translation: ***: If I am unable to make the gods above relent, I shall move Hell. *** Compare: **** Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667), Book I, line 263 **** If Heaven thou can'st not bend, Hell thou shalt move. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad]]'', Book III, line 307 ==== Book VIII ==== * ''Pedibus timor addidit alas.'' ** Fear gave wings to his feet. ** Line 224 (tr. C. Day Lewis) * ''Arte magistra.'' ** By the aid of art. ** Line 442; cf. 12.427. * ''O mihi praeteritos referat si Iuppiter annos.'' ** If only Jupiter would give me back<br />The past years and the man I was... ** Line 560 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book IX ==== [[File:Nisos Euryalos Louvre LL450 n2.jpg|thumb|Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a poppy<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain.]] * ''Dine hunc ardorem mentibus addunt,<br />Euryale, an sua cuique deus fit dira cupido?'' ** Do the gods light this fire in our hearts<br />or does each man's mad desire become his god? ** Lines 184–185 (tr. Fagles) * ''Nequeam lacrimas perferre parentis.'' ** I cannot bear a mother's tears. ** Line 289 * ''Volvitur Euryalus leto, pulchrosque per artus<br />It cruor inque umeros cervix conlapsa recumbit:<br />Purpureus veluti cum flos succisus aratro<br />Languescit moriens; lassove papavera collo<br />Demisere caput, pluvia cum forte gravantur.'' ** Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a [[poppy]]<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain. ** Lines 433–437 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Μήκων δ' ὡς ἑτέρωσε κάρη βάλεν, ἥ τ' ἐνὶ κήπῳ<br />καρπῷ βριθομένη νοτίῃσί τε εἰαρινῇσιν,<br />ὣς ἑτέρωσ' ἤμυσε κάρη πήληκι βαρυνθέν. **** He bent drooping his head to one side, as a garden poppy<br />bends beneath the weight of its yield and the rains of springtime;<br />so his head bent slack to one side beneath the helm's weight. **** [[Homer]], ''Iliad'', VIII, 306–308 (tr. R. Lattimore) [[File:P051514PS-0299 (14565228313).jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo.''</p><p>"No day shall erase you from the memory of time"</p>([[w:National September 11 Memorial & Museum|9/11 Memorial Museum]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Fortunati ambo! si quid mea carmina possunt, <br />Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo,<br />Dum domus Aeneae Capitoli immobile saxum<br />Accolet imperiumque pater Romanus habebit.'' ** How fortunate, [[w:Nisus and Euryalus|both]] at once!<br />If my songs have any power, the day will never dawn<br />that wipes you from the memory of the ages, not while<br />the house of Aeneas stands by the Capitol's rock unshaken,<br />not while the Roman Father rules the world. ** Lines 446–449 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Iuppiter omnipotens, audacibus adnue coeptis.'' ** Jove almighty,<br />nod assent to the daring work I have in hand! ** Line 625 (tr. Fagles) *** Compare: ''[[w:Annuit cœptis|Annuit cœptis]]'' ("[God] has favored our undertaking"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Macte nova virtute, puer, sic itur ad astra.'' ** [[Blessings]] on your young [[courage]], boy; that's the way to the [[stars]]. ** Line 641 ==== Book X ==== * ''Fata viam invenient.'' ** '''Fate will find a way.''' ** Line 113 [[File:Turnus.jpg|thumb|[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].]] * ''Audentes<!--Audentis?--> fortuna iuvat.'' ** '''[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].''' ** Line 284 ** Variant translations: *** Fortune favors the brave. *** Fortune helps the daring. *** Fortune sides with him who dares. ** Compare: *** ''Fortibus est fortuna viris data.'' **** Fortune is given to brave men. **** [[Ennius]], ''Annales'', 257 * ''Stat sua cuique dies, breve et inreparabile tempus<br />Omnibus est vitae; sed famam extendere factis,<br />Hoc virtutis opus.'' ** Every man's last day is fixed.<br />Lifetimes are brief and not to be regained,<br />For all mankind. But by their deeds to make<br />Their fame last: that is labor for the brave. ** Lines 467–469 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book XI ==== * ''Experto credite''. ** Trust the expert. ** Line 283; cf. "[[w:Experto crede|experto crede]]". ** Variant translations: *** Trust one who has gone through it. *** Believe one who has had [[experience]]. * ''Spes sibi quisque.'' ** Each one his own hope. ** Line 30<!--. Compare: "Ech man for hymself." [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''The Canterbury Tales'', 'The Knight's Tale', line 1182--> * ''Nulla salus bello.'' ** There is no salvation in war. ** Line 362 (tr. L. R. Lind) ==== Book XII ==== [[File:Aeneas Latium BM GR1927.12-12.1.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others.]] * ''Aegrescitque medendo.'' ** The attempts to heal enflame the fever more. ** Line 46 (tr. Fagles) * ''Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.'' ** Who knows?<br />Better times may come to those in pain. ** Line 153 (tr. Fagles) * ''Disce, puer, virtutem ex me verumque laborem,<br />Fortunam ex aliis.'' ** Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others. ** Lines 435–436 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) [[File:Aeneas and Turnus.jpg|thumb|upright=1.2|Go no further down the road of hatred.]] * ''Usque adeone mori miserum est?'' ** Is it then so sad a thing to die? ** Line 646 (tr. Alexander Thomson) * ''Ulterius ne tende odiis.'' ** Go no further down the road of hatred. ** Line 938 (tr. Robert Fagles); Turnus asking Aeneas for mercy. * ''Vitaque cum gemitu fugit indignata sub umbras.'' ** And with a groan for that indignity<br />His spirit fled into the gloom below. ** Line 952 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) {{Disputed begin}} == Attributed == * ''Ille ego, qui quondam gracili modulatus avena<br />Carmen, et egressus silvis vicina coegi<br />Ut quamvis avido parerent arva colono,<br />Gratum opus agricolis, at nunc horrentia Martis<!--<br />Arma virumque cano--> ...'' ** I am the poet who once tuned his song<br />On a slender reed and then leaving the woods<br />Compelled the fields to obey the hungry farmer,<br />A pleasing work. But now War's grim and savage<!--<br />Arms I sing—and a man--> ... ** Spurious opening lines of the ''Aeneid'' (tr. Stanley Lombardo), not found in the earliest manuscripts. Attributed to Virgil on the authority of "the grammarian Nisus", who claimed to have "heard from older men" that [[w:Lucius Varius Rufus|Varius]] had "emended the beginning of the first book by striking out" the four introductory lines, as reported in [[Suetonius]]' [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Life of Vergil''], 42 (Loeb translation). [[John Conington]], in his ''Commentary on Vergil's Aeneid'', remarks: "The external evidence of such a story it is impossible to estimate, but its existence suspiciously indicates that the lines were felt to require apology" (Vol. II, p. 30). * ''Facilius esse Herculi clavam quam Homero versum subripere.'' ** It is easier to steal the club of Hercules than a line from [[Homer]]. ** As quoted by [[w:Asconius Pedianus|Asconius Pedianus]], and reported in [[Suetonius]]-[[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]], [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/L/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Vita Vergili''] (''Life of Virgil''), [http://virgil.org/vitae/ 46]. * ''Hos ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.'' ** I made these little verses, another took the honor. ** Epigram attributed to Virgil in [[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]]' ''Life of Virgil''. [[File:Vergil tomb inscription.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.''</p>I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders.{{center/e}}]] * ''Mors aurem vellens, "vivite," ait, "venio."'' ** '''Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says. "I am coming."''' ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Copa'' 38. * ''Color est e pluribus unus.'' ** Many colors blend into one. ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Moretum'' 102. *** Compare: ''[[w:E pluribus unum|E pluribus unum]]'' ("Out of many, one"), motto on the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.'' ** I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders. ** Inscription on Virgil's tomb in Naples (tr. Bernard Knox). {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ''Minuit praesentia famam.'' ** '''Presence diminishes fame.''' ** [[Claudian]], ''De Bello Gildonico'', 385 ** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in an "undoubtedly spurious Italian epistle sometimes printed in <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Dante Alighieri|Dante]]'s] works". ([[w:Edward Moore (scholar)|Edward Moore]], ''Studies in Dante'' [1896], footnote on p. 240.) * Let fraud supply the want of force in war. ** From Book II of [[John Dryden|Dryden]]'s ''Aeneid''; no exact Latin equivalent exists in Virgil's work, but compare: "''Dolus, an virtus, quis in hoste requirat?''" (''Aeneid'' 2.390). * ''Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat inchoare longam.'' ** '''Life's short span forbids us to enter on far reaching hopes.''' ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iv, line 15 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 233--> * ''Virginibus puerisque canto.'' ** I sing for maidens and boys. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode i, line 4 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 231--> * ''Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam,<br />Maiorumque fames.'' ** As [[money]] grows, care follows it and the [[hunger]] for more. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode xvi, lines 17–18 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 51--> * ''Interdum volgus rectum videt, est ubi peccat.'' ** At times the world sees straight, but many times the world goes astray. ** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book II, epistle i, line 63 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 112--> [[File:The noblest motive is the public good - Jefferson Building - Library of Congress.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}"The noblest motive is the public good." ([[w:Library of Congress|Library of Congress]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Vincit amor patriae.'' ** '''The noblest motive is the public good.''' ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''[[w:The Spectator (1711)|The Spectator]]''. Compare ''Aeneid'' 6.823: ''Vincet amor patriae'' ("Love of country shall prevail"). ** "In ''The City of God'' Augustine quoted the line but changed the verb from the future to the present tense (''vincet'' › ''vincit''). That form became a traditional quotation, often reprinted and reproduced on medals, monuments, and family crests. [...] "Vincit amor patriae" appeared at the head of ''Spectator'' no. 200 (October 19, 1711) without translation. The essays from the ''Spectator'' were published and republished as books as early as 1713. To assist readers who lacked Latin or Greek, the editors of the 1744 edition provided English translations for its epigraphs; to "Vincit amor patriae" was added "The noblest Motive is the Publick Good." It stuck. The translation was modernized and made its way into innumerable texts and onto public buildings. It is inscribed on the ceiling of the south corridor of the Library of Congress and attributed to Virgil. A mistranslation became a quotation." —Willis Goth Regier, ''Quotology'' (2010), pp. 40–41. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Virgil == [[File:Quintus Horatius Flaccus.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}Half of my [[soul]]. <br />—[[Horace]]{{center/e}}]] * ''Animae dimidium meae.'' ** Half of my soul. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iii, line 8 * ''Vergilium vidi tantum.'' ** Virgil I only saw. ** [[Ovid]], ''[[w:Tristia|Tristia]]'' ["Sorrows"], IV, x, 51 * ''Ideoque optime institutum est ut ab Homero atque Vergilio lectio inciperet, quamquam ad intellegendas eorum virtutes firmiore iudicio opus est: sed huic rei superest tempus, neque enim semel legentur.'' ** It is therefore an admirable practice which now prevails, to begin by reading [[Homer]] and Vergil, although the intelligence needs to be further developed for the full appreciation of their merits: but there is plenty of time for that since the boy will read them more than once. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'' (c. 95 AD), I, viii, 5 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Vtar enim verbis isdem quae ex Afro Domitio iuvenis excepi, qui mihi interroganti quem Homero crederet maxime accedere "secundus" inquit "est Vergilius, propior tamen primo quam tertio". Et hercule ut illi naturae caelesti atque inmortali cesserimus, ita curae et diligentiae vel ideo in hoc plus est, quod ei fuit magis laborandum, et quantum eminentibus vincimur, fortasse aequalitate pensamus. Ceteri omnes longe sequentur.'' ** I will repeat the words which I heard [[w:Domitius Afer|Domitius Afer]] use in my young days. I asked what poet in his opinion came nearest to Homer, and he replied, "Virgil came nearest to Homer, but is nearer first than third." And in truth, although we must needs bow before the immortal and superhuman genius of Homer, there is greater diligence and exactness in the work of Virgil just because his task was harder. And perhaps the superior uniformity of the Roman's excellence balances Homer's pre-eminence in his outstanding passages. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'', X, i, 86 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Corpore et statura fuit grandi, aquilo colore, facie rusticana, valetudine varia; nam plerumque a stomacho et a faucibus ac dolore capitis laborabat, sanguinem etiam saepe reiecit. Cibi vinique minimi; libidinis in pueros pronioris... Vulgatum est consuesse eum et cum Plotia Hieria. ... Cetera sane vitae et ore et animo tam probum constat, ut Neapoli Parthenias vulgo appellatus sit, ac si quando Romae, quo rarissime commeabat, viseretur in publico, sectantis demonstrantisque se subterfugeret in proximum tectum. '' ** He [Virgil] was tall and of full habit, with a dark complexion and a rustic appearance. His health was variable; for he very often suffered from stomach and throat troubles, as well as with headache; and he also had frequent haemorrhages. He ate and drank but little. He was especially given to passions for boys... It is common report that he also had an intrigue with Plotia Hieria. ... Certain it is that for the rest of his life he was so [[modest]] in speech and thought, that at Naples he was commonly called "Parthenias" ("The Maiden"), and that whenever he appeared in public in Rome, where he very rarely went, he would take refuge in the nearest house, to avoid those who followed and pointed him out. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 8–11, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by [[w:John Carew Rolfe|J. C. Rolfe]]'', Vol. II (1914), p. 467 * ''"Bucolica" triennio, "Georgica" VII, "Aeneida" XI perfecit annis.'' ** The "[[Bucolics]]" he finished in three years, the "[[Georgics]]" in seven, the "[[Aeneid]]" in twelve. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 25, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by J. C. Rolfe'', Vol. II (1914), p. 473 * [[Plato]] of [[Poets]]. ** [[w:Alexander Severus|Alexander Severus]], as quoted in [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]]'s ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 48 * ''Facundia Mantuani multiplex et multiformis est et dicendi genus omne complectitur.'' ** The Mantuan's eloquence is many-sided and diverse, embracing every style. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'' (c. 400), V, i, 4 (Loeb translation) * ''Decem Rhetorum, qui apud Athenas Atticas floruerunt, stylos inter se diversos hunc unum permiscuisse.'' ** He combined, all by himself, the divergent styles of the ten orators who flourished in the Athens of Attica. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'', V, i, 20 (Loeb translation) * ''Intentio Vergilii haec est, Homerum imitari et Augustum laudare a parentibus.'' ** Virgil's intention is to imitate Homer and to praise [[Augustus]] by means of his ancestors. ** [[w:Servius the Grammarian|Servius the Grammarian]], introductory note to his ''Commentary on Virgil's Aeneid'' (c. 400–420), as quoted in ''Antichthon'', Vol. I (1967 ), p. 29 * Καὶ φίλος Αὐσονίοισι λιγύθροος ἔπρεπε κύκνος <br> πνείων εὐεπίης Βεργίλλιος, ὅν ποτε Ῥώμης <br> Θυμβριὰς ἄλλον Ὅμηρον ἀνέτρεφε πάτριος Ηχώ. ** And he stood forth—the clear-voiced swan dear to the Italians, Virgil breathing eloquence, whom his native Echo of Tiber nourished to be another Homer. ** [[w:Christodoros of Thebes|Christodoros of Thebes]], "description of the statues in the public gymnasium called Zeuxippos", ''[[Greek Anthology]]'', II (tr. [[w:William Roger Paton|W. R. Paton]], 1916) * ''Nempe apud Vergilium, quem propterea paruuli legunt, ut uidelicet poeta magnus omniumque praeclarissimus atque optimus teneris ebibitus animis non facile obliuione possit aboleri...'' ** Virgil certainly is held to be a great poet; in fact he is regarded as the best and the most renowned of all poets, and for that reason he is read by children at an early age—they take great draughts of his poetry into their unformed minds, so that they may not easily forget him. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''[[w:The City of God (book)|The City of God]]'' (c. 410), Book I, Chapter 3 (tr. [[w:Henry S. Bettenson|Henry Bettenson]]) * ''Divinus poeta noster.'' ** Our divine poet. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[w:De Monarchia|De Monarchia]]'' (c. 1313), II, iii, 6. * ''Or se' tu quel Virgilio e quella fonte<br />che spandi di parlar sì largo fiume?'' ** Now, art thou that Virgilius and that fountain<br />Which spreads abroad so wide a river of speech? ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[s:The Divine Comedy|The Divine Comedy]]'' (c. 1321), Inferno, I, 79–80 (tr. [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Longfellow]]) [[File:Dante Luca.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore.''</p>You are my master and my author.<br />—[[Dante Alighieri]]{{center/e}}]] *<p>''O de li altri poeti onore e lume,<br />vagliami 'l lungo studio e 'l grande amore<br />che m'ha fatto cercar lo tuo volume.''</p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore, <br />tu se' solo colui da cu' io tolsi <br />lo bello stilo che m'ha fatto onore.'' ** <p>O, of the other poets honour and light,<br />Avail me the long study and great love<br />That have impelled me to explore thy volume!</p>Thou art my master, and my author thou,<br />Thou art alone the one from whom I took<br />The beautiful style that has done honour to me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, I, 82–87 (tr. Longfellow) * ''O anima cortese mantoana<br />Di cui la fama ancor nel mondo dura,<br />E durera quanto 'l moto lontana.'' ** O spirit courteous of [[w:Mantua|Mantua]],<br />Of whom the fame still in the world endures,<br />And shall endure, long-lasting as the world. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 58–60 (tr. Longfellow) * ''Tu duca, tu signore e tu maestro.'' ** You are my guide, you are my lord and teacher. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 140 (tr. Mark Musa) * ''O gloria di Latin, disse, per cui<br />mostrò ciò che potea la lingua nostra...'' ** "O glory of the Latin race," [[w:Sordello|he]] said, "by whom our language showed forth all its power..." ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, VII, 16–17 (tr. Carlyle-Wicksteed) * ''Ma Virgilio n'avea lasciati scemi<br /> di sé, Virgilio, dolcissimo patre,<br /> Virgilio a cui per mia salute die'mi.'' ** But us Virgilius of himself deprived<br />Had left, Virgilius, sweetest of all fathers,<br />Virgilius, to whom I for safety gave me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, XXX, 49–51 (tr. Longfellow) * For thou shalt, by thyn owene experience,<br />Konne in a chayer rede of this sentence<br />Bet than Virgile, while he was on lyve. ** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''[[w:The Canterbury Tales|The Canterbury Tales]]'' (c. 1390), [[s:The Canterbury Tales/The Friar's Prologue and Tale|Friar's Tale]], III.1517–1519 * ''Quem te, inquit, reddidissem,<br />Si te vivum invenissem,<br />Poetarum maxime!'' ** What a man I should have made of you if I had met you in your life, greatest of poets! ** [[Anonymous]] poet at Paris in the twelfth or thirteenth century, describing how [[Paul of Tarsus]], upon visiting the tomb of Virgil at Naples, according to legend, "shed tears of regret at the thought that the poet had not lived at a time when he might have been converted by the Apostle", as reported in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 127, ''A History of Classical Scholarship'' (1903) by [[w:John Sandys (classicist)|John Sandys]], p. 611, and ''The Oxford Companion to Classical Literature'' (2013), ed. M. C. Howatson, p. 592 * Nothing in short was omitted by that godlike man. Only fools would want to add anything; only insolent men to change anything. Sentences, numbers, figures, simplicity, candor, ornaments, nature, art, learning—all is incomparable, or, in a word—Virgilian. ... Let the cravens who contend that the free genius and taste of divine Virgil were prisoners of Homer's inventions hold their peace. It was not thus. The arguments of Homer which nature proposed to him were corrected by Virgil as a schoolboy's theme by his professor. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in "Life of Julius Caesar Scaliger (1484–1558)" by Vernon Hall, Jr. — ''Transactions of the American Philosophical Society'', Vol. 40, Part 2 (1950), p. 153 * ''...exemplum, regula, principium, finis esse debet nobis Maro.'' ** Virgil should be our example, our rule, the beginning and the end. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices libri septem'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 9 [[File:Raffael 075.jpg|thumb|[[Homer]]'s poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth.<br />—[[George Chapman]]]] * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** [[George Chapman]], Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * And for his poesy, 'tis so rammed with life,<br />That it shall gather strength of life, with being,<br />And live hereafter more admired than now. ** [[Ben Jonson]], ''[[w:Poetaster (play)|Poetaster]]'' (1601), Act V, scene i * The chastest poet and royalest that to the memory of man is known. ** [[Francis Bacon]], as quoted in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 128 * Next, Virgil I’ll call forth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; To pledge this second health <br> In wine, whose each cup’s worth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; An Indian commonwealth. ** [[Robert Herrick]], "To Live Merrily, and to Trust to Good Verses", st. 5. ''Hesperides'' (1648) * Hail mighty Maro! may that sacred name<br />Kindle my breast with thy celestial flame;<br />Sublime ideas and apt words infuse,<br />The Muse instruct my voice, and thou inspire the Muse! ** [[Wentworth Dillon, 4th Earl of Roscommon]], ''Essay on Translated Verse'' (1684), lines 173–176 * I looked on Virgil as a succinct and grave majestic writer; one who weighed not only every thought, but every word and syllable. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/180.html Preface to ''Sylvae''] (1685) * He seems to have studied not to be translated. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * There is an inimitable grace in Virgil's words, and in them principally consists that beauty which gives so inexpressible a pleasure to him who best understands their force. This diction of his, I must once again say, is never to be copied; and since it cannot, he will appear but lame in the best translation. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * Virgil had the gift of expressing much in little, and sometimes in silence... ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/194.html The Dedication to ''Examen Poeticum''] (1693) * Virgil is so exact in every word, that none can be changed but for a worse; nor any one removed from its place, but the harmony will be altered. He pretends sometimes to trip; but it is only to make you think him in danger of a fall, when he is most secure. ** [[John Dryden]], ''A Parallel Betwixt Poetry and Painting'' (1695) * [Homer's] Fire burns with extraordinary Heat and Vehemence … Virgil's is a clearer and a chaster Flame ... ** [[Richard Blackmore]], Preface to ''King Arthur'' (1697) [[File:John Dryden portrait painting.jpg|thumb|Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... <br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... ** [[John Dryden]], ''[[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|The Works of Virgil]]'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil cannot be said to copy Homer; the Grecian had only the advantage of writing first. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil, above all poets, had a stock, which I may call almost inexhaustible, of figurative, elegant, and sounding words. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * It long has been this sacred author's fate,<br />To lie at ev'ry dull translator's will:<br />Long, long his muse has groan'd beneath the weight<br />Of mangling [[John Ogilby|Ogleby]]'s presumptuous quill. ** [[w:Henry Graham (of Levens)|Henry Grahme]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=pB0-AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA104 To Mr. Dryden, on His Translation of Virgil]'' (1697) * Virgil was of a quiet, sedate temper; Homer was violent, impetuous, and full of fire. The chief talent of Virgil was propriety of thoughts, and ornament of words. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/39/25.html Preface] to ''Fables, Ancient and Modern'' (1700) * I came home a little later than usual the other night; and, not finding myself inclined to sleep, I took up Virgil, to divert me till I should be more disposed to rest. He is the author whom I always choose on such occasions; no one writing in so divine, so harmonious, nor so equal a strain, which leaves the mind composed and softened into an agreeable melancholy; the temper in which, of all others, I choose to close the day. ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''The Spectator'' 514 (20 October 1712) * When first young Maro in his boundless mind<br />A work to outlast immortal Rome designed,<br />Perhaps he seemed above the critic's law,<br />And but from Nature's fountains scorned to draw:<br />But when to examine every part he came,<br />Nature and [[Homer]] were, he found, the same.<br />Convinced, amazed, he checks the bold design,<br />And rules as strict his laboured work confine,<br />As if [[Aristotle|the Stagirite]] o'erlooked each line. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1711), lines 130–138 * This fire is discerned in Virgil, but discerned as through a glass, reflected from Homer, more shining than fierce, but every where equal and constant. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Homer's Iliad]]'' (1715) * The delight of all ages, and the pattern of all poets. ** [[Voltaire]], ''An Essay on Epic Poetry'' (1727) * Virgil loved rural ease, and, far from harm,<br />Maecenas fix'd him in a neat, snug farm,<br />Where he might free from trouble pass his days<br />In his own way, and pay his rent in praise. ** [[Charles Churchill (satirist)|Charles Churchill]], ''Independence'' (<!--September, -->1764) * The warmest admirers of the great Mantuan poet can extol him for little more than the skill with which he has, by making his hero both a traveller and a warrior, united the beauties of the ''Iliad'' and ''Odyssey'' in one composition; yet his judgment was perhaps sometimes overborne by his avarice of the Homeric treasures; and, for fear of suffering a sparkling ornament to be lost, he has inserted it where it cannot shine with its original splendor. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Rambler'', No. 121 (May 14, 1751) * ''Savez-vous le latin, madame? Non; voilà pourquoi vous me demandez si j'aime mieux Pope que Virgile. Ah! madame, toutes nos langues modernes sont sèches, pauvres, et sans harmonie, en comparaison de celles qu'ont parlées nos premiers maîtres, les Grecs et les Romains. Nous ne sommes que des violons de village. Comment voulez-vous d’ailleurs que je compare des épîtres à un poëme épique, aux amours de Didon, à l'embrasement de Troie, à la descente d'Énée aux enfers? Je crois l<nowiki>'</nowiki>''Essai sur l'Homme'', de Pope, le premier des poëmes didactiques, des poëmes philosophiques; mais ne mettons rien à côté de Virgile. Vous le connaissez par les traductions; mais les poëtes ne se traduisent point. Peut-on traduire de la musique? Je vous plains, madame, avec le goût et la sensibilité éclairée que vous avez, de ne pouvoir lire Virgile.'' ** Do you understand Latin, Madam? No; else you would not have asked whether I like [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] better than Virgil. Ah! Madam, all our modern languages are dry, poor, and wholly devoid of harmony, when compared to those which were spoken by our first masters, the Greeks and the Romans: we are merely to be compared to country fiddlers. Besides, how could you expect me to compare epistles to an epic poem, to the love of Dido, the burning of Troy, and the descent of Aeneas into hell? I think Pope's ''[[Essay on Man]]'' is one of the first and best didactic poems; but do not let us place any work upon an equality with Virgil. You are merely acquainted with him in a French dress; but poets cannot bear translating. Can you translate music? I really pity you, Madam, endowed as you are with such an exquisite degree of taste, and of refined sensibility, for not being able to read Virgil. ** [[Voltaire]], letter to [[Marie Anne de Vichy-Chamrond, marquise du Deffand|Madam du Deffand]] (19 May 1754), in ''The Unpublished Correspondence of Madame Du Deffand'', trans. Mary Meeke, Vol. II (1810), pp. 257–258 * I have this year<!-- [1783]--> read all Virgil through. I read a book of the Æneid every night, so it was done in twelve nights, and I had a great delight in it. The Georgicks did not give me so much pleasure, except the fourth book. The Eclogues I have almost all by heart. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], as quoted in ''The Life of Samuel Johnson'' by [[James Boswell]], Vol. II (1791), p. 454 * The principal and distinguishing excellency of Virgil, and which, in my opinion, he possesses beyond all poets, is [[tenderness]]. Nature had endowed him with exquisite sensibility; he felt every affecting circumstance in the scenes he describes; and, by a single stroke, he knows how to reach the heart. ** [[Hugh Blair]], ''Lectures on Rhetoric and Belles Lettres'', Vol. II (1783), Lecture XLIII: 'The Æneid of Virgil', p. 447 * [The] [[w:Pathos|pathetic]] is Virgil's great excellence in the Æneid, and...in that way he surpasses all other poets of every age and nation, except, perhaps (and only perhaps), Shakspeare. It is on that account that I rank him so very high; for surely to excel in that style which speaks to the heart is the greatest of all excellence. ** [[Charles James Fox]], letter to [[Gilbert Wakefield]] (13 April 1801), in ''Correspondence of the late Gilbert Wakefield with the late Charles James Fox'' (1813), p. 192 * That harmonious plagiary and miserable flatterer, whose cursed hexameters were drilled into me at Harrow. ** [[Lord Byron]], letter to Thomas Moore (11 April 1817), in '' Letters and Journals of Lord Byron, with Notices of his Life, by Thomas Moore'' (1830), p. 329 * Virgil's style is an inimitable mixture of the elaborately ornate, and the majestically plain and touching. ** [[William Wordsworth]], letter to Lord Lonsdale (17 February 1819), in ''Letters of the Wordsworth Family from 1787 to 1855'', collected and ed. by W. Knight, Vol. II (1907), p. 123 * Virgil seems to have copied Greek models completely, imitating them slavishly and lifelessly, and so they appear as plagiarisms more or less devoid of spirit. ** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Vorlesungen über die Philosophie der Religion'', ed. W. Jaeschke, Vol. II, p. 402, as reported and quoted in ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014) by Philip Hardie, p. 14 * If you take from Virgil his diction and metre, what do you leave him? ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Table Talk'' (8 May 1824), in ''Specimens of the Table Talk of the late Samuel Taylor Coleridge'', Vol. I (1835), p. 50 * ''O Virgile! ô poète! ô mon maître divin!'' ** Oh Virgil! Oh [[Poets|poet]]! Oh my [[Holiness|divine]] master! ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Voix intérieures'' (1837), VII, 'À Virgile' * It never occurs to me to place him among the Roman poets of the first order. ** [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Barthold Georg Niebuhr]], ''The History of Rome'', Vol. V (1844), p. 79 * Unless one is a moron, one always dies unsure of one's own value and that of one's works. Virgil himself, as he lay dying, wanted the [[Aeneid]] burned. ** [[Gustave Flaubert]], letter to Louise Colet (19 September 1852), in ''The Letters of Gustave Flaubert: 1830–1857'', selected, edited and translated by Francis Steegmuller (1980), p. 170 * ''Le poète de la latinité tout entière.'' ** The poet of the entire Latin world. ** [[Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve]], ''Étude sur Virgile'' (1857), p. 35, as quoted in ''Why Vergil?: A Collection of Interpretations'' (2000), "Homage to Virgil" by Charles Fantazzi, p. 290 [[File:Matthew Arnold.jpg|thumb|The most attractive figure in literary history. <br />—[[Matthew Arnold]]]] * Over the whole of the great poem of Virgil, over the whole Æneid, there rests an ineffable melancholy: not a rigid, a moody gloom, like the melancholy of [[Lucretius]]; no, a sweet, a touching sadness, but still a sadness; a melancholy which is at once a source of charm in the poem, and a testimony to its incompleteness. Virgil, as [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Niebuhr]] has well said, expressed no affected self-disparagement, but the haunting, the irresistible self-dissatisfaction of his heart, when he desired on his deathbed that his poem might be destroyed. A man of the most delicate genius, the most rich learning, but of weak health, of the most sensitive nature, in a great and overwhelming world; conscious, at heart, of his inadequacy for the thorough spiritual mastery of that world and its interpretation in a work of art; conscious of this inadequacy—the one inadequacy, the one weak place in the mighty Roman nature! This suffering, this graceful-minded, this finely-gifted man is the most beautiful, the most attractive figure in literary history; but he is not the adequate interpreter of the great period of Rome. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], "On the Modern Element in Literature" (1857), lecture published in ''On the Classical Tradition'' (1960) ed. by R. H. Super, p. 35 * He writes passionately, because he feels keenly; forcibly, because he conceives vividly; he sees too clearly to be vague; he is too serious to be otiose; he can analyze his subject, and therefore he is rich; he embraces it as a whole and in its parts, and therefore he is consistent; he has a firm hold of it, and therefore he is luminous. When his imagination wells up, it overflows in ornament; when his heart is touched, it thrills along his verse. He always has the right word for the right idea, and never a word too much. If he is brief, it is because few words suffice; when he is lavish of them, still each word has its mark, and aids, not embarrasses, the vigorous march of his elocution. He expresses what all feel, but all cannot say; and his sayings pass into proverbs among his people, and his phrases become household words and idioms of their daily speech, which is tesselated with the rich fragments of his language, as we see in foreign lands the marbles of Roman grandeur worked into the walls and pavements of modern palaces.<br />Such pre-eminently is Shakespeare among ourselves; such pre-eminently Virgil among the Latins; such in their degree are all those writers who in every nation go by the name of Classics. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/24526/24526-h/24526-h.html The Idea of a University]'' (1858) * Virgil imitated Homer, but imitated him as a [[rival]], not as a disciple. ** [[John Conington]], ''P. Vergili Maronis Opera, with a Commentary by John Conington, M.A.'', Vol. II (1863), Introduction, p. 27 * His single words and phrases, his pathetic half-lines giving utterance, are as the voice of Nature herself, to that pain and weariness, yet hope of better things, which is the experience of her children in every time. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''An Essay in Aid of a Grammar of Assent'' (1870) [[File:Biblioteca moreniana, sala stucchi 05 virgilio.JPG|thumb|Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man.<br />—[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]]]] * My lord, you know what Virgil sings—<br />Woman is various and most mutable. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''Queen Mary'' (1875), Act III, scene vi. Cf. ''Aeneid'' 4.569 * Roman Virgil, thou that singest Ilion's lofty temples robed in fire. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 1 * Thou that singest wheat and woodland, tilth and vineyard, hive and horse and herd;<br />All the charm of all the Muses often flowering in a lonely word. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 3 * Thou that seest Universal Nature moved by Universal Mind;<br />Thou majestic in thy sadness at the doubtful doom of human kind. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 6 * Sound for ever of Imperial Rome. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 8 * I salute thee, Mantovano, I that loved thee since my day began,<br />Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 10 * Hundreds of Virgil's lines are for most of us familiar quotations, which linger in our memory, and round which our literary associations cluster and hang, just as religious feeling clings to well-known texts or passages of Scripture. ** [[Charles Bowen, Baron Bowen|Charles Bowen]], Preface to ''Virgil in English Verse'' (1887) * Of all that [Homer] knew he sang, but Virgil could only follow and imitate, with a pale antiquarian interest, the things that were alive for Homer. ** [[Andrew Lang]], letter to Lady Violet Lebas in ''Letters on Literature'' (1892), p. 65 <!-- * He who in the days of yore<br />Sang of pastures, sang of farms,<br />Sang of heroes and their arms,<br />Sang of passion, sang of war. ** Robert Cameron Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) * Then the soul of Virgil seems<br />To awaken from its dreams,<br />To sing again the melodies<br />Of which he often tells,—<br />The music of the birds,<br />The lowing of the herds,<br />The tinkling of the bells. ** R. C. Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) --> * The use which the grammarians made of Vergil is so extensive that, if all the [[w:Manuscripts|MSS.]] of him had been lost, it would be possible from the notices given us by the ancients of the Vergilian poems, and the passages quoted from them by the grammarians alone, to reconstruct practically the whole of the ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'', and the ''Aeneid''. ** [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]], ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 32 * [Virgil] borrows royally from nearly every older master of style. Yet the result, if a mosaic, at least remains clear, beautiful, even harmonious, in its general design and effect. ** [[w:William Cranston Lawton|William Cranston Lawton]], "Virgil" in ''Library of the World's Best Literature'' (1897), p. 15421 * But it is to beauty that, like [[Dante]], one returns as the final fact and feature of his style. Under Virgil's verbal sorcery, Latin becomes a golden language of exquisite richness, veined with a delicate melancholy and wistful reverie upon the abundant travail of life. If his wealth of tremulous pities and mystic dreams do not make true poetry, then poetry was never written. ** John Wight Duff, ''A Literary History of Rome'' (1909), p. 349 * Does [Aeneas] really resemble Odysseus at any point? No—there is no greater difference within the whole compass of ancient literature; and to understand that is to see how absurd are those critics who would dismiss Virgil contemptuously as a mere plagiarist and imitator of Homer. There is no more profound or astonishing originality in all the literature of antiquity than Virgil's; and that precisely because it operates within the limits imposed by the inherited and traditional forms, which it reverently observes. ** [[w:Theodor Haecker|Theodor Haecker]], ''Virgil, Father of the West'' (1934), tr. [[w:Arthur Wesley Wheen|A. W. Wheen]], p. 70 * With Virgil European poetry grows up. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''A Preface to Paradise Lost'' (1942), Chapter 6: "Virgil and the Subject of Secondary Epic" [[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|Our classic, the classic of all Europe, is Virgil.<br />—[[T. S. Eliot]]]] * [Aeneas] is the symbol of Rome; and, as Aeneas is to Rome, so is ancient Rome to Europe. Thus Virgil acquires the centrality of the unique classic; he is at the centre of European civilisation, in a position which no other poet can share or usurp. The Roman Empire and the Latin language were not any empire and any language, but an empire and a language with a unique destiny in relation to ourselves, and the poet in whom that Empire and that language came to consciousness and expression is a poet of unique destiny. [...] No modern language can hope to produce a classic, in the sense in which I have called Virgil a classic. Our classic, '''the classic of all Europe''', is Virgil. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "What is a Classic?" (1944) * I think that he had few illusions and that he saw clearly both sides of every question—the case for the loser as well as the case for the winner. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951), published in ''The Listener'' (13 September 1951) * Virgil, among classical Latin poets or prose writers, is uniquely near to Christianity. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * ...in the sense in which a poet is a philosopher … Virgil is the greatest philosopher of ancient Rome. ...Virgil was, among all authors of classical antiquity, one for whom the world made sense, for whom it had order and dignity, and for whom, as for no one before his time except the Hebrew prophets, history had meaning. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * No, Virgil, no:<br />Not even the first of the Romans can learn<br />His Roman history in the future tense,<br />Not even to serve your political turn;<br />Hindsight as foresight makes no sense. ** [[W. H. Auden]], "Secondary Epic" (1959), opening lines * Why Virgil's poems have for the last two thousand years exercised so great an influence on our Western culture is, paradoxically, because he was a renegade to the true Muse. His pliability; his subservience; his narrowness; his denial of that stubborn imaginative freedom which the true poets who preceded him had prized; his perfect lack of originality, courage, humour, or even animal spirits: these were the negative qualities which first commended him to government circles and have kept him in public favour ever since. [...] Few poets have brought such discredit as Virgil on their sacred calling. ** [[Robert Graves]], "The Virgil Cult" (1961), in ''The Virginia Quarterly Review'', Vol. 38, no. 1 (1962), pp. 13–35; partially quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 14, and in Richard Jenkyns's ''The Legacy of Rome: A New Appraisal'' (1992), p. 142. * Virgil's narrative style...is ''subjective'' or more accurately, ''empathetic-sympathetic''. Virgil not only reads the minds of his characters; he constantly communicates to us his own reactions to them and to their behaviour. ** [[w:Brooks Otis|Brooks Otis]], ''Virgil: A Study in Civilized Poetry'' (1964), p. 88 * Homer is a world; Virgil, a style. ** [[w:Mark Van Doren|Mark Van Doren]], as quoted in Allen Mandelbaum, trans., ''The Aeneid of Virgil'' (1971), p. vi * Like every human being, a poet has to deal with three questions: how, what for, and in the name of what to live. The ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'' and the ''Aeneid'' answer all three, and these answers apply equally to the Emperor and to his subjects, to antiquity as well as to our times. The modern reader may use Virgil in the same way that [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]] used him in his passage through Hell and Purgatory: as a guide. ** [[Joseph Brodsky]], "Virgil: Older than Christianity, a Poet for the New Age", in ''Vogue'' (October 1981), p. 180 * For Virgil all war is mad and one cannot conduct oneself morally on the battlefield. ** K. W Gransden, "War and Peace", in [[w:Harold Bloom|Harold Bloom]]'s ''Virgil's Aeneid'' (1987), p. 143 * Virgil's influence on English literature has been enormous. He was [[Edmund Spenser]]'s constant inspiration for the fanciful beauty of ''[[The Faerie Queene]]''. The ''[[Aeneid]]'' was the model for [[John Milton]]'s ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' not only in epic structure and machinery but also in style and diction. In the English Augustan age, [[John Dryden]] and countless others held that Virgil's poetry had reached the ultimate perfection of form and ethical content. There was some reaction against him in the Romantic period, but the Victorians, such as [[Matthew Arnold]] and [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], rediscovered in full measure that sensitivity and pathos that the Romantics had complained that Virgil lacked. ** ''[[w:Encyclopædia Britannica|Encyclopaedia Britannica]]'', "Virgil" in ''The New Encyclopædia Britannica'' (15th ed., 1993), pp. 500–501 * Virgil is too important to be left to the classicists. ** [[w:Theodore Ziolkowski|Theodore Ziolkowski]], ''Virgil and the Moderns'' (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1993), p. ix * At every step I have seen how impossible it is to translate Virgil, especially his unequaled blend of grandeur and accessibility..., of eloquence and action, heroics and humanity. ** [[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]], "Translator's Postscript" to Virgil, ''The Aeneid'' (New York: Viking, 2006), p. 389 == See also == * [[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|''The Works of Virgil'' (trans. John Dryden)]] == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Wikisource-inline|Author:Virgil}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/verg.html Original texts of Virgil's works at The Latin Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Virgil}} [[Category:Virgil]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] 24sf07i7nabvqu7dmccxjeb59ovlg9a 3944315 3944311 2026-05-23T00:39:33Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Virgil */ 3944315 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Parco_della_Grotta_di_Posillipo5_(crop).jpg|thumb|right|'''Love conquers all.''']] '''[[w:Virgil|Publius Vergilius Maro]]''' (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), known in English as '''Virgil''' or '''Vergil''', was a [[Rome|Roman]] poet, the [[Authors|author]] of the ''[[Eclogues]]'', the ''[[Georgics]]'' and the ''[[Aeneid]]'', the last being an epic poem of twelve books that became the [[Roman Empire]]'s national epic. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Eclogues|Eclogues]]'' (37 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Eclogues]]''''' * ''Parvis componere magna.'' ** To compare great things with small. ** Book I, line 23 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori.'' ** Trust not too much to that enchanting face;<br />Beauty's a charm, but soon the charm will pass. ** Book II, line 17 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Trahit sua quemque voluptas.'' ** Everyone is dragged on by their favorite pleasure. ** Book II, line 65 * ''Quae te dementia cepit!'' ** What madness has seized you? ** Book II, line 69 [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866207).jpg|thumb|A snake lurks in the grass.]] * ''Nunc omnis ager, nunc omnis parturit arbor;<br />Nunc frondent sylvae, nunc formosissimus annus.'' ** Every field, every tree is now budding; now the woods are green, now the year is at its loveliest. ** Book III, lines 56–57 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Latet anguis in herba.'' ** A snake lurks in the grass. ** Book III, line 93 * ''Magnus ab integro saeclorum nascitur ordo.'' ** The great line of the centuries begins anew. ** Book IV, line 5 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: ''[[w:Novus ordo seclorum|Novus ordo seclorum]]'' ("New order of the ages"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Incipe, parve puer, risu cognoscere matrem.'' ** Begin, baby boy, to recognize your mother with a smile. ** Book IV, line 60 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.''</p>Now I know what [[Love]] is.{{center/e}}]] * ''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.'' ** Now I know what [[Love]] is. ** Book VIII, line 43 (tr. R. C. Trevelyan) * ''Non omnia possumus omnes.'' ** We cannot all do everything. ** Book VIII, line 63 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Carpent tua poma nepotes.'' ** Your descendants shall gather your fruits. ** Book IX, line 50 * ''Omnia fert aetas, animum quoque''. ** [[Time]] bears away all things, even our [[minds]]. ** Book IX, line 51 * ''Cantantes licet usque (minus via laedit) eamus''. ** Let us go [[singing]] as far as we go: the road will be less tedious. ** Book IX, line 64 * ''Omnia vincit Amor; et nos cedamus Amori.'' ** Love conquers all; let us, too, yield to Love! ** Book X, line 69 (tr. Fairclough) ===''[[w:Georgics|Georgics]]'' (29 BC)=== :''Main article: '''[[Georgics]]''''' * ''Audacibus annue coeptis.'' ** Look with favor upon a bold beginning. ** Book I, line 40 * ''Umida<!--Humida?--> solstitia atque hiemes orate serenas,<br />agricolae.'' ** O farmers, pray that your summers be wet and your winters clear. ** Book I, lines 100–101 * ''Ut varias usus meditando extunderet artis<br />paulatim.'' ** [[Practice]] and [[thought]] might gradually forge many an [[art]]. ** Book I, lines 133–134 [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil...]] <!--[[File:Roman harvester, Trier.jpg|thumb|<p>''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint, agricolas!''</p>How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]], are [[farmers]]!]]--> * ''Labor omnia vicit<!--uicit--><br />improbus et duris urgens in rebus egestas.'' ** '''[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil''', and [[want]] that pinches when life is hard. ** Book I, lines 145–146 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough). *** Compare: ''[[w:Labor omnia vincit|Labor omnia vincit]]'' ("Work conquers all"), the state motto of [[Oklahoma]]. * ''In primis venerare Deos.'' ** Above all, worship the gods. ** Book I, line 338 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Adeo in teneris consuescere multum est.'' ** So strong is habit in tender years. ** Book II, line 272 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: "Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined." [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays: Epistle I'' (1734), line 150. * ''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint<br />Agricolas, quibus ipsa, procul discordibus armis,<br />Fundit humo facilem victum justissima tellus!'' ** How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]],<br />Are [[farmers]], more than lucky, they for whom,<br />Far from the clash of arms, the earth herself,<br />Most fair in dealing, freely lavishes<br />An easy livelihood. ** Book II, lines 458–460 (tr. L. P. Wilkinson) * ''Rura mihi et rigui placeant in vallibus amnes,<br />Flumina amem sylvasque inglorius.'' ** Let my [[delight]] be the [[Country life|country]], and the running [[streams]] amid the dells—may I love the [[waters]] and the [[woods]], though I be unknown to [[fame]]. ** Book II, lines 485–486 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Lucretius Rome.jpg|thumb|[[Happy]] the [[man]], who, [[studying]] [[nature]]'s [[laws]],<br />Through [[known]] effects can trace the [[secret]] [[cause]].]] [[File:A butterfly feeding on the tears of a turtle in Ecuador.jpg|thumbnail|{{center/s}}Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.{{center/e}}]][[File:KreweNereusInvite1900.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}''Tempus fugit.'' ([[Time]] flies.){{center/e}}]] *''Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.'' ** '''[[Blessed]] is he who has been able to win [[knowledge]] of the causes of things.''' ** Book II, line 490 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough); homage to [[Lucretius]]. *** [[John Dryden]]'s translation: ***: Happy the man, who, studying nature's laws,<br />Thro' known effects can trace the secret cause. * ''Optima quaeque dies miseris mortalibus aevi<br />Prima fugit; subeunt morbi tristisque senectus<br />Et labor, et durae rapit inclementia mortis.'' ** In youth alone, unhappy mortals live;<br />But, ah! the mighty bliss is fugitive:<br />Discolored sickness, anxious labor, come,<br />And age, and [[death]]'s inexorable doom. ** Book III, lines 66–68 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Amor omnibus idem.'' ** '''Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.''' ** Book III, lines 242–244 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Sed fugit interea, fugit irreparabile<!--inreparabile?--> tempus.'' ** But meanwhile it is flying, irretrievable time is flying. ** Book III, line 284; often quoted as ''tempus fugit'' ('time flies'). *** Compare [[Poor Richard's Almanack|Poor Richard's maxim]] of 1748: "Lost Time is never found again." * ''Alitur vitium, vivitque tegendo.'' ** [[Vice]] thrives and lives by concealment. ** Book III, line 454 * ''Si parva licet componere magnis.'' ** If we may [[compare]] small things with great. ** Book IV, line 176 (tr. Fairclough). Cf. ''Eclogues'' 1.23. * ''Nec morti esse locum.'' ** There is no place for death. ** Book IV, line 226 * ''Fata vocant.'' ** The fates call. ** Book IV, line 496 * ''Illo Vergilium me tempore dulcis alebat<br />Parthenope studiis florentem ignobilis oti.'' ** In those days I, Virgil, was nursed of sweet [[Naples|Parthenope]], and rejoiced in the arts of inglorious ease. ** Book IV, lines 563–564 (tr. Fairclough) === ''[[w:Aeneid|Aeneid]]'' (29–19 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Aeneid]]''''' ==== Book I ==== [[File:Aeneas' Flight from Troy by Federico Barocci.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Arma virumque cano.''</p>I sing of arms and a man.{{center/e}}]] * ''Arma virumque cano.'' ** '''I sing of arms and a man.''' ** Line 1 * ''Tantaene animis caelestibus irae?'' ** Can such resentment hold the minds of gods? ** Line 11 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''Tantae molis erat Romanam condere gentem!'' ** So hard and huge a task it was to found the Roman people. ** Line 33 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) *''O terque quaterque beati!'' ** O three and four times [[blessed]]! ** Line 95 * ''Apparent rari nantes in gurgite vasto.'' ** Here and there are seen swimmers in the vast abyss. ** Line 118 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil Mosaic Bardo Museum Tunis-cropped 4.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.''</p><p>Some day, perhaps, remembering even this will be a pleasure.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Вергілій. Вікіджерела.png|thumbnail|Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.]] * ''Furor arma ministrat.'' ** Rage supplies arms. ** Line 150 * ''O socii—neque enim ignari sumus ante malorum—<br />O passi graviora, dabit deus his quoque finem.'' ** Friends and companions,<br />Have we not known hard hours before this?<br />My men, who have endured still greater dangers,<br />God will grant us an end to these as well. ** Lines 198–199 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.'' ** Some day, perhaps, [[remembering]] even this<br />Will be a [[pleasure]]. ** Line 203 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Durate, et vosmet rebus servate secundis.'' ** '''Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.''' ** Line 207 (tr. Fairclough); spoken by Aeneas. *** John Dryden's translation: ***: '''[[Endure]] the hardships of your present state,<br />[[Live]], and reserve yourselves for [[better]] [[fate]].''' * ''Dux femina facti.'' ** The leader of the enterprise a [[woman]]. ** Line 364 (tr. Fairclough); of [[w:Dido|Dido]]. * ''Data fata secutus.'' ** Following what is decreed by fate. ** Line 382 * ''Mirabile dictu.'' ** Wonderful to tell. ** Line 439 * ''Sunt hic etiam sua praemia laudi,<br />Sunt [[w:Lacrimae rerum|lacrimae rerum]] et mentem mortalia tangunt.'' ** Even here, merit will have its true reward...<br />even here, '''the world is a world of [[tears]]<br />and the burdens of mortality touch the heart.''' ** Lines 461–462 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:Dido Receiving Aeneas.jpg|thumb|No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy.]] * ''Mens sibi conscia recti.'' ** A mind conscious of its own rectitude. ** Line 604 * ''Semper honos nomenque tuum laudesque manebunt.'' ** Your honor, your name, your praise will live forever. ** Line 609 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Non ignara mali miseris succurrere disco.'' ** No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy. ** Line 630, as translated in ''The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' (1999)<!--, p. 793-->; spoken by Dido. ==== Book II ==== *''Infandum, regina, jubes<!--iubes?--> renovare dolorem.'' ** Sorrow too deep to tell, your majesty,<br />You order me to feel and tell once more. ** Line 3 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald); these are the opening words of Aeneas's narrative about the fall of Troy, addressed to Queen Dido of Carthage. * ''Quis talia fando<br />Temperet a lacrimis?'' ** Who could tell such things and still refrain from [[tears]]? ** Lines 6 and 8 (tr. Fagles) [[File:Giovanni Domenico Tipeolo, Procession of the Trojan Horse in Troy, 1760.jpg|thumb|Do not trust the [[horse]], Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring [[gifts]].]] * ''Equo ne credite, Teucri.<br />quidquid id est, [[w:Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes|timeo Danaos et dona ferentes]].'' ** '''Do not trust the horse, Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts.''' ** Lines 48–49; Trojan priest of Apollo warning against the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] left by the Greeks. * ''In utrumque paratus.'' ** Prepared for either alternative. ** Line 61 * ''Ab uno disce omnes.'' ** From one learn all. ** Lines 65–66 (tr. Fairclough) *''Horresco referens.'' ** I shudder as I tell the tale. ** Line 204 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Tacitae per amica silentia lunae.'' ** Amid the friendly [[silence]] of the peaceful moon. ** Line 255 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Quantum mutatus ab illo.'' ** How [[changed]] from what he once was! ** Line 274 * ''Arrectis auribus adsto<!--asto?-->.'' ** I wait with listening ears. ** Line 303 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Venit summa dies et ineluctabile tempus<br />Dardaniae.'' ** It is come—the last day and inevitable hour for Troy. ** Lines 324–325 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.'' ** The only hope for the doomed is no hope at all. ** Line 354. Variant translation: The only safe course for the defeated is to expect no safety. * ''Dis<!--Diis?--> aliter visum.'' ** The [[gods]] thought otherwise. ** Line 428 * ''Fit via vi.'' ** Force finds a way. ** Line 494 (tr. Fairclough) ==== Book III ==== [[File:Bauer - Polydorus Polymnestor cropped.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Auri sacra fames!''</p>Accursed hunger for [[gold]]!{{center/e}}]] * ''Quid non mortalia pectora cogis,<br />Auri sacra fames?'' ** To what extremes won't you compel our hearts,<br />you accursed lust for gold? ** Lines 56–57 (tr. Robert Fagles); the murder of [[w:Polydorus (son of Priam)|Polydorus]]. * ''Fama volat.'' ** Rumor flies. ** Line 121 (tr. Fagles) * ''Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum.'' ** An awful misshapen monster, huge, his eyelight lost. ** Line 658 (tr. Mandelbaum); of [[w:Polyphemus|Polyphemus]]. ==== Book IV ==== [[File:Karel Škréta - Dido a Aeneas (1670).jpg|thumbnail|Who can deceive a lover?]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|I sail for Italy not of my own free will.]] * ''Degeneres animos timor arguit.'' ** [[Fear]] is the proof of a degenerate mind. ** Line 13 * ''Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae.'' ** I feel once more the scars of the old [[flame]]. ** Line 23 (tr. C. Day Lewis); Dido acknowledging her love for Aeneas. * ''Fama, malum qua non aliud velocius ullum.'' ** [[Rumor]], swiftest of all the evils in the world. ** Line 174 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Quis fallere possit amantem?'' ** Who can deceive a lover? ** Line 296 * ''Numquam, regina, negabo<br />Promeritam, nec me meminisse pigebit Elissae<br />Dum memor ipse mei, dum spiritus hos regit artus.'' ** I shall never deny what you deserve, my queen,<br />never regret my [[memories]] of Dido, not while I<br />can recall myself and draw the breath of life. ** Lines 334–336 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Italiam non sponte sequor.'' ** I sail for Italy not of my own free will. ** Line 361 (tr. Fitzgerald); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Improbe Amor, quid non mortalia pectora cogis!'' ** Unconscionable Love,<br />To what extremes will you not drive our hearts! ** Line 412 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Σχέτλι᾽ Ἔρως, μέγα πῆμα, μέγα στύγος ἀνθρώποισιν,<br />ἐκ σέθεν οὐλόμεναί τ᾽ ἔριδες στοναχαί τε γόοι τε,<br />ἄλγεά τ᾽ ἄλλ᾽ ἐπὶ τοῖσιν ἀπείρονα τετρήχασιν. **** Unconscionable Love, bane and tormentor of mankind, parent of strife, fountain of tears, source of a thousand ills. **** [[Apollonius of Rhodes]], ''Argonautica'', IV, 445–447 (tr. E. V. Rieu) * ''Fata obstant.'' ** Fate withstands. ** Line 440 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Varium et mutabile semper<br />Femina.'' ** '''Fickle and changeable always is woman.''' ** Lines 569–570 [[File:Death Dido Cayot Louvre MR1780.jpg|thumb|I shall die unavenged,<br />but I shall die.]] * ''Exoriare aliquis nostris ex ossibus ultor.'' ** Let someone arise from my bones as an Avenger. ** Line 625 * ''Vixi, et, quem dederat cursum Fortuna, peregi;<br />Et nunc magna mei sub terras ibit Imago.'' ** I have lived<br />and journeyed through the course assigned by fortune.<br />And now my Shade will pass, illustrious,<br />beneath the earth. ** Lines 653–654 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''‘Moriemur inultae,<br />Sed moriamur’ ait. ‘sic, sic juvat ire sub umbras.’'' ** "I shall die unavenged, but I shall die,"<br />she says. "Thus, thus, I gladly go below<br />to shadows." ** Lines 659–660 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) ==== Book V ==== * ''Furens quid Femina possit.'' ** What a woman can do in frenzy. ** Line 6 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Litus ama.'' ** Hug the shore. ** Line 163 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Giusto di gand e pedro berruguete, virgilio.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Possunt, quia posse videntur.''</p>{{center/e}}<p>They [[Ability|can]] because they [[think]] they can.</p>]] * ''Possunt, quia posse videntur''. ** '''They can because they think they can.''' ** Line 231 (tr. John Conington) * ''Decus et tutamen''. ** An ornament and a safeguard. ** Line 262; inscription on some [[w:One pound (British coin)|British one-pound coins]] up until 2015. The line was suggested by [[John Evelyn]] for the edge legend on the new milled coinage of [[Charles II of England]] from 1662 on to discourage clipping. He had seen it on the edge of a mirror belonging to [[Cardinal Richelieu]] (recorded in his book ''Numismata'' in 1697). The suggestion was adopted. * ''Cede Deo.'' ** Yield to [[God]]. ** Line 467 <!--[[File:Virgilio.png|thumb|Every misfortune is to be subdued by patience.]]--> * ''Superanda omnis fortuna ferendo est.'' ** '''Every [[misfortune]] is to be subdued by [[patience]].''' ** Line 710 ==== Book VI ==== * ''Bella, horrida bella.'' ** [[Wars]], horrid wars. ** Line 86 * ''Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito.'' ** '''Yield not to misfortunes, but advance all the more boldly against them.''' ** Line 95 * ''Obscuris vera involvens.'' ** Wrapping truth in darkness. ** Line 100 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Aeneas and the Sibyl - Google Art Project.jpg|268px|thumb|right|The gates of hell are open night and day;<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.]] * ''Facilis descensus [[w:Lake Avernus|Averno]]<br />Noctes atque dies patet atri ianua [[w:Dis Pater|Ditis]];<br />Sed revocare gradum superasque evadere ad auras,<br />Hoc opus, hic labor est.'' ** '''The gates of [[hell]] are open [[night]] and [[day]];<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.''' ** Lines 126–129 (as translated by [[John Dryden]]) *** Variant translation: ***: It is easy to go down into Hell;<br />Night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide;<br />But to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air—<br />There's the rub, the task. *** Compare: **** Long is the way<br />And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'', Book II, line 432 * ''Fidus Achates.'' ** Faithful [[w:Achates|Achates]]. ** Line 158; phrase often applied to a friend or relative who remains faithful at all events—Achates was Aeneas' most faithful friend. * ''Procul, O procul este, profani!'' ** Away, away, unhallowed ones! ** Line 258 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Nunc animis opus, Aenea, nunc pectore firmo.'' ** Now, Aeneas, is the hour for courage, now for a dauntless heart! ** Line 261 (tr. Fairclough); Sibyl's words to Aeneas as they enter the underworld. * ''Di, quibus imperium est animarum, umbraeque silentes,<br />Et Chaos, et Phlegethon, loca nocte tacentia late,<br />Sit mihi fas audita loqui: sit numine vestro<br />Pandere res alta terra et caligine mersas.'' ** Ye realms, yet unrevealed to human sight,<br />Ye gods who rule the regions of the night,<br />Ye gliding ghosts, permit me to relate<br />The mystic wonders of your silent state! ** Lines 264–267 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Ibant obscuri sola sub nocte per umbram,<br />Perque domos Ditis vacuas et inania regna.'' ** Obscure they went through dreary shades, that led<br />Along the waste dominions of the dead. ** Lines 268–269 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Malesuada Fames.'' ** [[Hunger]] that persuades to evil. ** Line 276 * ''Consanguineus Leti Sopor.'' ** [[Death]]'s own brother [[Sleep]]. ** Line 278 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Stabant orantes primi transmittere cursum<br />Tendebantque manus ripae ulterioris amore.'' ** There all stood begging to be first across<br />And reached out longing hands to the far shore. ** Lines 313–314 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.'' ** Cease to think that the decrees of the gods can be changed by prayers. ** Line 376 * ''Discite justitiam moniti et non temnere divos.'' ** '''Be warned; [[learn]] ye to be [[just]] and not to slight the [[gods]]!''' ** Line 620 (H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''Vendidit hic auro patriam.'' ** This man sold his country for gold. ** Line 621 * ''Non, mihi si linguae centum sunt oraque centum<br />Ferrea vox, omnis scelerum comprendere formas,<br />Omnia poenarum percurrere nomina possim.'' ** Nay, had I a hundred tongues, a hundred mouths, and voice of iron, I could not sum up all the forms of crime, or rehearse all the tale of torments. ** Lines 625–627 (tr. H. R. Fairclough); the punishments of the Inferno. * ''Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes.'' ** They who bettered life on earth by new-found mastery. ** Line 663 (tr. William Morris); the blessed in [[w:Elysium|Elysium]]. A paraphrase of this is inscribed on the [[w:Nobel prize|Nobel prize]] medals for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, and Literature: ''Inventas vitam juvat excoluisse per artes'' ("inventions enhance life which is beautified through art"). [[File:Vergilius.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Mens agitat molem.''</p><p>Mind moves matter.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Ubeleski Aeneas and Anchises.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud.]] * ''Mens agitat molem.'' ** Mind moves matter. ** Line 727 [[File:Anchises.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Quisque suos patimur manis.''</p><p>Each of us bears his own Hell.</p>{{center/e}}]] * ''Quisque suos patimur manis.'' ** '''Each of us bears his own Hell.''' ** Line 743<!--. Compare: "For every man shall bear his own burden." [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]] 6:5 (KJV).--> * ''Te tua fata docebo.'' ** I will teach you your destiny. ** Line 759 (tr. Stanley Lombardo) * ''Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento<br />(Hae tibi erunt artes), pacique imponere morem,<br />Parcere subjectis et debellare superbos.'' ** Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud. ** Lines 851–853 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Tu Marcellus eris.'' ** You will be [[w:Marcus Claudius Marcellus (Julio-Claudian dynasty)|Marcellus]]. ** Line 883 * ''Manibus date lilia plenis.'' ** Give [[lilies]] with full hands. ** Line 883 * ''Sunt geminae Somni portae, quarum altera fertur<br />Cornea, qua veris facilis datur exitus umbris,<br />Altera candenti perfecta nitens elephanto,<br />Sed falsa ad caelum mittunt insomnia Manes.'' ** There are twin Gates of Sleep.<br />One, they say, is called the Gate of Horn<br />and it offers easy passage to all true shades.<br />The other glistens with ivory, radiant, flawless,<br />but through it the dead send false dreams up toward the sky. ** Lines 893–896 (tr. Fagles); the [[w:Gates of horn and ivory|gates of horn and ivory]]. ==== Book VII ==== [[File:Aeneid, Book I; (1886) (14783231252).jpg|thumb|If I cannot sway the [[heavens]], I'll wake the [[powers]] of [[hell]]!]] * ''Major rerum mihi nascitur ordo; <br />Majus opus moveo.'' ** A greater history opens before my eyes,<br />A greater task awaits me. ** Lines 44–45 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo<!--mouebo?-->.'' ** If I cannot sway the heavens, I'll wake the powers of hell! ** Line 312 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Juno. *** Variant translation: ***: If I am unable to make the gods above relent, I shall move Hell. *** Compare: **** Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667), Book I, line 263 **** If Heaven thou can'st not bend, Hell thou shalt move. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad]]'', Book III, line 307 ==== Book VIII ==== * ''Pedibus timor addidit alas.'' ** Fear gave wings to his feet. ** Line 224 (tr. C. Day Lewis) * ''Arte magistra.'' ** By the aid of art. ** Line 442; cf. 12.427. * ''O mihi praeteritos referat si Iuppiter annos.'' ** If only Jupiter would give me back<br />The past years and the man I was... ** Line 560 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book IX ==== [[File:Nisos Euryalos Louvre LL450 n2.jpg|thumb|Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a poppy<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain.]] * ''Dine hunc ardorem mentibus addunt,<br />Euryale, an sua cuique deus fit dira cupido?'' ** Do the gods light this fire in our hearts<br />or does each man's mad desire become his god? ** Lines 184–185 (tr. Fagles) * ''Nequeam lacrimas perferre parentis.'' ** I cannot bear a mother's tears. ** Line 289 * ''Volvitur Euryalus leto, pulchrosque per artus<br />It cruor inque umeros cervix conlapsa recumbit:<br />Purpureus veluti cum flos succisus aratro<br />Languescit moriens; lassove papavera collo<br />Demisere caput, pluvia cum forte gravantur.'' ** Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a [[poppy]]<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain. ** Lines 433–437 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Μήκων δ' ὡς ἑτέρωσε κάρη βάλεν, ἥ τ' ἐνὶ κήπῳ<br />καρπῷ βριθομένη νοτίῃσί τε εἰαρινῇσιν,<br />ὣς ἑτέρωσ' ἤμυσε κάρη πήληκι βαρυνθέν. **** He bent drooping his head to one side, as a garden poppy<br />bends beneath the weight of its yield and the rains of springtime;<br />so his head bent slack to one side beneath the helm's weight. **** [[Homer]], ''Iliad'', VIII, 306–308 (tr. R. Lattimore) [[File:P051514PS-0299 (14565228313).jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo.''</p><p>"No day shall erase you from the memory of time"</p>([[w:National September 11 Memorial & Museum|9/11 Memorial Museum]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Fortunati ambo! si quid mea carmina possunt, <br />Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo,<br />Dum domus Aeneae Capitoli immobile saxum<br />Accolet imperiumque pater Romanus habebit.'' ** How fortunate, [[w:Nisus and Euryalus|both]] at once!<br />If my songs have any power, the day will never dawn<br />that wipes you from the memory of the ages, not while<br />the house of Aeneas stands by the Capitol's rock unshaken,<br />not while the Roman Father rules the world. ** Lines 446–449 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Iuppiter omnipotens, audacibus adnue coeptis.'' ** Jove almighty,<br />nod assent to the daring work I have in hand! ** Line 625 (tr. Fagles) *** Compare: ''[[w:Annuit cœptis|Annuit cœptis]]'' ("[God] has favored our undertaking"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Macte nova virtute, puer, sic itur ad astra.'' ** [[Blessings]] on your young [[courage]], boy; that's the way to the [[stars]]. ** Line 641 ==== Book X ==== * ''Fata viam invenient.'' ** '''Fate will find a way.''' ** Line 113 [[File:Turnus.jpg|thumb|[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].]] * ''Audentes<!--Audentis?--> fortuna iuvat.'' ** '''[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].''' ** Line 284 ** Variant translations: *** Fortune favors the brave. *** Fortune helps the daring. *** Fortune sides with him who dares. ** Compare: *** ''Fortibus est fortuna viris data.'' **** Fortune is given to brave men. **** [[Ennius]], ''Annales'', 257 * ''Stat sua cuique dies, breve et inreparabile tempus<br />Omnibus est vitae; sed famam extendere factis,<br />Hoc virtutis opus.'' ** Every man's last day is fixed.<br />Lifetimes are brief and not to be regained,<br />For all mankind. But by their deeds to make<br />Their fame last: that is labor for the brave. ** Lines 467–469 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book XI ==== * ''Experto credite''. ** Trust the expert. ** Line 283; cf. "[[w:Experto crede|experto crede]]". ** Variant translations: *** Trust one who has gone through it. *** Believe one who has had [[experience]]. * ''Spes sibi quisque.'' ** Each one his own hope. ** Line 30<!--. Compare: "Ech man for hymself." [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''The Canterbury Tales'', 'The Knight's Tale', line 1182--> * ''Nulla salus bello.'' ** There is no salvation in war. ** Line 362 (tr. L. R. Lind) ==== Book XII ==== [[File:Aeneas Latium BM GR1927.12-12.1.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others.]] * ''Aegrescitque medendo.'' ** The attempts to heal enflame the fever more. ** Line 46 (tr. Fagles) * ''Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.'' ** Who knows?<br />Better times may come to those in pain. ** Line 153 (tr. Fagles) * ''Disce, puer, virtutem ex me verumque laborem,<br />Fortunam ex aliis.'' ** Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others. ** Lines 435–436 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) [[File:Aeneas and Turnus.jpg|thumb|upright=1.2|Go no further down the road of hatred.]] * ''Usque adeone mori miserum est?'' ** Is it then so sad a thing to die? ** Line 646 (tr. Alexander Thomson) * ''Ulterius ne tende odiis.'' ** Go no further down the road of hatred. ** Line 938 (tr. Robert Fagles); Turnus asking Aeneas for mercy. * ''Vitaque cum gemitu fugit indignata sub umbras.'' ** And with a groan for that indignity<br />His spirit fled into the gloom below. ** Line 952 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) {{Disputed begin}} == Attributed == * ''Ille ego, qui quondam gracili modulatus avena<br />Carmen, et egressus silvis vicina coegi<br />Ut quamvis avido parerent arva colono,<br />Gratum opus agricolis, at nunc horrentia Martis<!--<br />Arma virumque cano--> ...'' ** I am the poet who once tuned his song<br />On a slender reed and then leaving the woods<br />Compelled the fields to obey the hungry farmer,<br />A pleasing work. But now War's grim and savage<!--<br />Arms I sing—and a man--> ... ** Spurious opening lines of the ''Aeneid'' (tr. Stanley Lombardo), not found in the earliest manuscripts. Attributed to Virgil on the authority of "the grammarian Nisus", who claimed to have "heard from older men" that [[w:Lucius Varius Rufus|Varius]] had "emended the beginning of the first book by striking out" the four introductory lines, as reported in [[Suetonius]]' [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Life of Vergil''], 42 (Loeb translation). [[John Conington]], in his ''Commentary on Vergil's Aeneid'', remarks: "The external evidence of such a story it is impossible to estimate, but its existence suspiciously indicates that the lines were felt to require apology" (Vol. II, p. 30). * ''Facilius esse Herculi clavam quam Homero versum subripere.'' ** It is easier to steal the club of Hercules than a line from [[Homer]]. ** As quoted by [[w:Asconius Pedianus|Asconius Pedianus]], and reported in [[Suetonius]]-[[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]], [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/L/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Vita Vergili''] (''Life of Virgil''), [http://virgil.org/vitae/ 46]. * ''Hos ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.'' ** I made these little verses, another took the honor. ** Epigram attributed to Virgil in [[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]]' ''Life of Virgil''. [[File:Vergil tomb inscription.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.''</p>I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders.{{center/e}}]] * ''Mors aurem vellens, "vivite," ait, "venio."'' ** '''Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says. "I am coming."''' ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Copa'' 38. * ''Color est e pluribus unus.'' ** Many colors blend into one. ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Moretum'' 102. *** Compare: ''[[w:E pluribus unum|E pluribus unum]]'' ("Out of many, one"), motto on the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.'' ** I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders. ** Inscription on Virgil's tomb in Naples (tr. Bernard Knox). {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ''Minuit praesentia famam.'' ** '''Presence diminishes fame.''' ** [[Claudian]], ''De Bello Gildonico'', 385 ** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in an "undoubtedly spurious Italian epistle sometimes printed in <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Dante Alighieri|Dante]]'s] works". ([[w:Edward Moore (scholar)|Edward Moore]], ''Studies in Dante'' [1896], footnote on p. 240.) * Let fraud supply the want of force in war. ** From Book II of [[John Dryden|Dryden]]'s ''Aeneid''; no exact Latin equivalent exists in Virgil's work, but compare: "''Dolus, an virtus, quis in hoste requirat?''" (''Aeneid'' 2.390). * ''Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat inchoare longam.'' ** '''Life's short span forbids us to enter on far reaching hopes.''' ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iv, line 15 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 233--> * ''Virginibus puerisque canto.'' ** I sing for maidens and boys. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode i, line 4 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 231--> * ''Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam,<br />Maiorumque fames.'' ** As [[money]] grows, care follows it and the [[hunger]] for more. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode xvi, lines 17–18 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 51--> * ''Interdum volgus rectum videt, est ubi peccat.'' ** At times the world sees straight, but many times the world goes astray. ** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book II, epistle i, line 63 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 112--> [[File:The noblest motive is the public good - Jefferson Building - Library of Congress.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}"The noblest motive is the public good." ([[w:Library of Congress|Library of Congress]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Vincit amor patriae.'' ** '''The noblest motive is the public good.''' ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''[[w:The Spectator (1711)|The Spectator]]''. Compare ''Aeneid'' 6.823: ''Vincet amor patriae'' ("Love of country shall prevail"). ** "In ''The City of God'' Augustine quoted the line but changed the verb from the future to the present tense (''vincet'' › ''vincit''). That form became a traditional quotation, often reprinted and reproduced on medals, monuments, and family crests. [...] "Vincit amor patriae" appeared at the head of ''Spectator'' no. 200 (October 19, 1711) without translation. The essays from the ''Spectator'' were published and republished as books as early as 1713. To assist readers who lacked Latin or Greek, the editors of the 1744 edition provided English translations for its epigraphs; to "Vincit amor patriae" was added "The noblest Motive is the Publick Good." It stuck. The translation was modernized and made its way into innumerable texts and onto public buildings. It is inscribed on the ceiling of the south corridor of the Library of Congress and attributed to Virgil. A mistranslation became a quotation." —Willis Goth Regier, ''Quotology'' (2010), pp. 40–41. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Virgil == [[File:Quintus Horatius Flaccus.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}Half of my [[soul]]. <br />—[[Horace]]{{center/e}}]] * ''Animae dimidium meae.'' ** Half of my soul. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iii, line 8 * ''Vergilium vidi tantum.'' ** Virgil I only saw. ** [[Ovid]], ''[[w:Tristia|Tristia]]'' ["Sorrows"], IV, x, 51 * ''Ideoque optime institutum est ut ab Homero atque Vergilio lectio inciperet, quamquam ad intellegendas eorum virtutes firmiore iudicio opus est: sed huic rei superest tempus, neque enim semel legentur.'' ** It is therefore an admirable practice which now prevails, to begin by reading [[Homer]] and Vergil, although the intelligence needs to be further developed for the full appreciation of their merits: but there is plenty of time for that since the boy will read them more than once. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'' (c. 95 AD), I, viii, 5 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Vtar enim verbis isdem quae ex Afro Domitio iuvenis excepi, qui mihi interroganti quem Homero crederet maxime accedere "secundus" inquit "est Vergilius, propior tamen primo quam tertio". Et hercule ut illi naturae caelesti atque inmortali cesserimus, ita curae et diligentiae vel ideo in hoc plus est, quod ei fuit magis laborandum, et quantum eminentibus vincimur, fortasse aequalitate pensamus. Ceteri omnes longe sequentur.'' ** I will repeat the words which I heard [[w:Domitius Afer|Domitius Afer]] use in my young days. I asked what poet in his opinion came nearest to Homer, and he replied, "Virgil came nearest to Homer, but is nearer first than third." And in truth, although we must needs bow before the immortal and superhuman genius of Homer, there is greater diligence and exactness in the work of Virgil just because his task was harder. And perhaps the superior uniformity of the Roman's excellence balances Homer's pre-eminence in his outstanding passages. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'', X, i, 86 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Corpore et statura fuit grandi, aquilo colore, facie rusticana, valetudine varia; nam plerumque a stomacho et a faucibus ac dolore capitis laborabat, sanguinem etiam saepe reiecit. Cibi vinique minimi; libidinis in pueros pronioris... Vulgatum est consuesse eum et cum Plotia Hieria. ... Cetera sane vitae et ore et animo tam probum constat, ut Neapoli Parthenias vulgo appellatus sit, ac si quando Romae, quo rarissime commeabat, viseretur in publico, sectantis demonstrantisque se subterfugeret in proximum tectum. '' ** He [Virgil] was tall and of full habit, with a dark complexion and a rustic appearance. His health was variable; for he very often suffered from stomach and throat troubles, as well as with headache; and he also had frequent haemorrhages. He ate and drank but little. He was especially given to passions for boys... It is common report that he also had an intrigue with Plotia Hieria. ... Certain it is that for the rest of his life he was so [[modest]] in speech and thought, that at Naples he was commonly called "Parthenias" ("The Maiden"), and that whenever he appeared in public in Rome, where he very rarely went, he would take refuge in the nearest house, to avoid those who followed and pointed him out. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 8–11, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by [[w:John Carew Rolfe|J. C. Rolfe]]'', Vol. II (1914), p. 467 * ''"Bucolica" triennio, "Georgica" VII, "Aeneida" XI perfecit annis.'' ** The "[[Bucolics]]" he finished in three years, the "[[Georgics]]" in seven, the "[[Aeneid]]" in twelve. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 25, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by J. C. Rolfe'', Vol. II (1914), p. 473 * [[Plato]] of [[Poets]]. ** [[w:Alexander Severus|Alexander Severus]], as quoted in [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]]'s ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 48 * ''Facundia Mantuani multiplex et multiformis est et dicendi genus omne complectitur.'' ** The Mantuan's eloquence is many-sided and diverse, embracing every style. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'' (c. 400), V, i, 4 (Loeb translation) * ''Decem Rhetorum, qui apud Athenas Atticas floruerunt, stylos inter se diversos hunc unum permiscuisse.'' ** He combined, all by himself, the divergent styles of the ten orators who flourished in the Athens of Attica. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'', V, i, 20 (Loeb translation) * ''Intentio Vergilii haec est, Homerum imitari et Augustum laudare a parentibus.'' ** Virgil's intention is to imitate Homer and to praise [[Augustus]] by means of his ancestors. ** [[w:Servius the Grammarian|Servius the Grammarian]], introductory note to his ''Commentary on Virgil's Aeneid'' (c. 400–420), as quoted in ''Antichthon'', Vol. I (1967 ), p. 29 * Καὶ φίλος Αὐσονίοισι λιγύθροος ἔπρεπε κύκνος <br> πνείων εὐεπίης Βεργίλλιος, ὅν ποτε Ῥώμης <br> Θυμβριὰς ἄλλον Ὅμηρον ἀνέτρεφε πάτριος Ηχώ. ** And he stood forth—the clear-voiced swan dear to the Italians, Virgil breathing eloquence, whom his native Echo of Tiber nourished to be another Homer. ** [[w:Christodoros of Thebes|Christodoros of Thebes]], "description of the statues in the public gymnasium called Zeuxippos", ''[[Greek Anthology]]'', II (tr. [[w:William Roger Paton|W. R. Paton]], 1916) * ''Nempe apud Vergilium, quem propterea paruuli legunt, ut uidelicet poeta magnus omniumque praeclarissimus atque optimus teneris ebibitus animis non facile obliuione possit aboleri...'' ** Virgil certainly is held to be a great poet; in fact he is regarded as the best and the most renowned of all poets, and for that reason he is read by children at an early age—they take great draughts of his poetry into their unformed minds, so that they may not easily forget him. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''[[w:The City of God (book)|The City of God]]'' (c. 410), Book I, Chapter 3 (tr. [[w:Henry S. Bettenson|Henry Bettenson]]) * ''Divinus poeta noster.'' ** Our divine poet. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[w:De Monarchia|De Monarchia]]'' (c. 1313), II, iii, 6. * ''Or se' tu quel Virgilio e quella fonte<br />che spandi di parlar sì largo fiume?'' ** Now, art thou that Virgilius and that fountain<br />Which spreads abroad so wide a river of speech? ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[s:The Divine Comedy|The Divine Comedy]]'' (c. 1321), Inferno, I, 79–80 (tr. [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Longfellow]]) [[File:Dante Luca.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore.''</p>You are my master and my author.<br />—[[Dante Alighieri]]{{center/e}}]] *<p>''O de li altri poeti onore e lume,<br />vagliami 'l lungo studio e 'l grande amore<br />che m'ha fatto cercar lo tuo volume.''</p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore, <br />tu se' solo colui da cu' io tolsi <br />lo bello stilo che m'ha fatto onore.'' ** <p>O, of the other poets honour and light,<br />Avail me the long study and great love<br />That have impelled me to explore thy volume!</p>Thou art my master, and my author thou,<br />Thou art alone the one from whom I took<br />The beautiful style that has done honour to me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, I, 82–87 (tr. Longfellow) * ''O anima cortese mantoana<br />Di cui la fama ancor nel mondo dura,<br />E durera quanto 'l moto lontana.'' ** O spirit courteous of [[w:Mantua|Mantua]],<br />Of whom the fame still in the world endures,<br />And shall endure, long-lasting as the world. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 58–60 (tr. Longfellow) * ''Tu duca, tu signore e tu maestro.'' ** You are my guide, you are my lord and teacher. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 140 (tr. Mark Musa) * ''O gloria di Latin, disse, per cui<br />mostrò ciò che potea la lingua nostra...'' ** "O glory of the Latin race," [[w:Sordello|he]] said, "by whom our language showed forth all its power..." ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, VII, 16–17 (tr. Carlyle-Wicksteed) * ''Ma Virgilio n'avea lasciati scemi<br /> di sé, Virgilio, dolcissimo patre,<br /> Virgilio a cui per mia salute die'mi.'' ** But us Virgilius of himself deprived<br />Had left, Virgilius, sweetest of all fathers,<br />Virgilius, to whom I for safety gave me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, XXX, 49–51 (tr. Longfellow) * ''For thou shalt, by thyn owene experience,<br />Konne in a chayer rede of this sentence<br />Bet than Virgile, while he was on lyve.'' ** For thou shalt, by thine own experience,<br />Conne in a chair read of this sentence<br />Better than Virgil, while he was alive. ** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''[[w:The Canterbury Tales|The Canterbury Tales]]'' (c. 1390), [[s:The Canterbury Tales/The Friar's Prologue and Tale|Friar's Tale]], III.1517–1519 * ''Quem te, inquit, reddidissem,<br />Si te vivum invenissem,<br />Poetarum maxime!'' ** What a man I should have made of you if I had met you in your life, greatest of poets! ** [[Anonymous]] poet at Paris in the twelfth or thirteenth century, describing how [[Paul of Tarsus]], upon visiting the tomb of Virgil at Naples, according to legend, "shed tears of regret at the thought that the poet had not lived at a time when he might have been converted by the Apostle", as reported in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 127, ''A History of Classical Scholarship'' (1903) by [[w:John Sandys (classicist)|John Sandys]], p. 611, and ''The Oxford Companion to Classical Literature'' (2013), ed. M. C. Howatson, p. 592 * Nothing in short was omitted by that godlike man. Only fools would want to add anything; only insolent men to change anything. Sentences, numbers, figures, simplicity, candor, ornaments, nature, art, learning—all is incomparable, or, in a word—Virgilian. ... Let the cravens who contend that the free genius and taste of divine Virgil were prisoners of Homer's inventions hold their peace. It was not thus. The arguments of Homer which nature proposed to him were corrected by Virgil as a schoolboy's theme by his professor. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in "Life of Julius Caesar Scaliger (1484–1558)" by Vernon Hall, Jr. — ''Transactions of the American Philosophical Society'', Vol. 40, Part 2 (1950), p. 153 * ''...exemplum, regula, principium, finis esse debet nobis Maro.'' ** Virgil should be our example, our rule, the beginning and the end. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices libri septem'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 9 [[File:Raffael 075.jpg|thumb|[[Homer]]'s poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth.<br />—[[George Chapman]]]] * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** [[George Chapman]], Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * And for his poesy, 'tis so rammed with life,<br />That it shall gather strength of life, with being,<br />And live hereafter more admired than now. ** [[Ben Jonson]], ''[[w:Poetaster (play)|Poetaster]]'' (1601), Act V, scene i * The chastest poet and royalest that to the memory of man is known. ** [[Francis Bacon]], as quoted in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 128 * Next, Virgil I’ll call forth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; To pledge this second health <br> In wine, whose each cup’s worth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; An Indian commonwealth. ** [[Robert Herrick]], "To Live Merrily, and to Trust to Good Verses", st. 5. ''Hesperides'' (1648) * Hail mighty Maro! may that sacred name<br />Kindle my breast with thy celestial flame;<br />Sublime ideas and apt words infuse,<br />The Muse instruct my voice, and thou inspire the Muse! ** [[Wentworth Dillon, 4th Earl of Roscommon]], ''Essay on Translated Verse'' (1684), lines 173–176 * I looked on Virgil as a succinct and grave majestic writer; one who weighed not only every thought, but every word and syllable. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/180.html Preface to ''Sylvae''] (1685) * He seems to have studied not to be translated. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * There is an inimitable grace in Virgil's words, and in them principally consists that beauty which gives so inexpressible a pleasure to him who best understands their force. This diction of his, I must once again say, is never to be copied; and since it cannot, he will appear but lame in the best translation. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * Virgil had the gift of expressing much in little, and sometimes in silence... ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/194.html The Dedication to ''Examen Poeticum''] (1693) * Virgil is so exact in every word, that none can be changed but for a worse; nor any one removed from its place, but the harmony will be altered. He pretends sometimes to trip; but it is only to make you think him in danger of a fall, when he is most secure. ** [[John Dryden]], ''A Parallel Betwixt Poetry and Painting'' (1695) * [Homer's] Fire burns with extraordinary Heat and Vehemence … Virgil's is a clearer and a chaster Flame ... ** [[Richard Blackmore]], Preface to ''King Arthur'' (1697) [[File:John Dryden portrait painting.jpg|thumb|Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... <br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... ** [[John Dryden]], ''[[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|The Works of Virgil]]'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil cannot be said to copy Homer; the Grecian had only the advantage of writing first. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil, above all poets, had a stock, which I may call almost inexhaustible, of figurative, elegant, and sounding words. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * It long has been this sacred author's fate,<br />To lie at ev'ry dull translator's will:<br />Long, long his muse has groan'd beneath the weight<br />Of mangling [[John Ogilby|Ogleby]]'s presumptuous quill. ** [[w:Henry Graham (of Levens)|Henry Grahme]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=pB0-AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA104 To Mr. Dryden, on His Translation of Virgil]'' (1697) * Virgil was of a quiet, sedate temper; Homer was violent, impetuous, and full of fire. The chief talent of Virgil was propriety of thoughts, and ornament of words. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/39/25.html Preface] to ''Fables, Ancient and Modern'' (1700) * I came home a little later than usual the other night; and, not finding myself inclined to sleep, I took up Virgil, to divert me till I should be more disposed to rest. He is the author whom I always choose on such occasions; no one writing in so divine, so harmonious, nor so equal a strain, which leaves the mind composed and softened into an agreeable melancholy; the temper in which, of all others, I choose to close the day. ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''The Spectator'' 514 (20 October 1712) * When first young Maro in his boundless mind<br />A work to outlast immortal Rome designed,<br />Perhaps he seemed above the critic's law,<br />And but from Nature's fountains scorned to draw:<br />But when to examine every part he came,<br />Nature and [[Homer]] were, he found, the same.<br />Convinced, amazed, he checks the bold design,<br />And rules as strict his laboured work confine,<br />As if [[Aristotle|the Stagirite]] o'erlooked each line. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1711), lines 130–138 * This fire is discerned in Virgil, but discerned as through a glass, reflected from Homer, more shining than fierce, but every where equal and constant. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Homer's Iliad]]'' (1715) * The delight of all ages, and the pattern of all poets. ** [[Voltaire]], ''An Essay on Epic Poetry'' (1727) * Virgil loved rural ease, and, far from harm,<br />Maecenas fix'd him in a neat, snug farm,<br />Where he might free from trouble pass his days<br />In his own way, and pay his rent in praise. ** [[Charles Churchill (satirist)|Charles Churchill]], ''Independence'' (<!--September, -->1764) * The warmest admirers of the great Mantuan poet can extol him for little more than the skill with which he has, by making his hero both a traveller and a warrior, united the beauties of the ''Iliad'' and ''Odyssey'' in one composition; yet his judgment was perhaps sometimes overborne by his avarice of the Homeric treasures; and, for fear of suffering a sparkling ornament to be lost, he has inserted it where it cannot shine with its original splendor. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Rambler'', No. 121 (May 14, 1751) * ''Savez-vous le latin, madame? Non; voilà pourquoi vous me demandez si j'aime mieux Pope que Virgile. Ah! madame, toutes nos langues modernes sont sèches, pauvres, et sans harmonie, en comparaison de celles qu'ont parlées nos premiers maîtres, les Grecs et les Romains. Nous ne sommes que des violons de village. Comment voulez-vous d’ailleurs que je compare des épîtres à un poëme épique, aux amours de Didon, à l'embrasement de Troie, à la descente d'Énée aux enfers? Je crois l<nowiki>'</nowiki>''Essai sur l'Homme'', de Pope, le premier des poëmes didactiques, des poëmes philosophiques; mais ne mettons rien à côté de Virgile. Vous le connaissez par les traductions; mais les poëtes ne se traduisent point. Peut-on traduire de la musique? Je vous plains, madame, avec le goût et la sensibilité éclairée que vous avez, de ne pouvoir lire Virgile.'' ** Do you understand Latin, Madam? No; else you would not have asked whether I like [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] better than Virgil. Ah! Madam, all our modern languages are dry, poor, and wholly devoid of harmony, when compared to those which were spoken by our first masters, the Greeks and the Romans: we are merely to be compared to country fiddlers. Besides, how could you expect me to compare epistles to an epic poem, to the love of Dido, the burning of Troy, and the descent of Aeneas into hell? I think Pope's ''[[Essay on Man]]'' is one of the first and best didactic poems; but do not let us place any work upon an equality with Virgil. You are merely acquainted with him in a French dress; but poets cannot bear translating. Can you translate music? I really pity you, Madam, endowed as you are with such an exquisite degree of taste, and of refined sensibility, for not being able to read Virgil. ** [[Voltaire]], letter to [[Marie Anne de Vichy-Chamrond, marquise du Deffand|Madam du Deffand]] (19 May 1754), in ''The Unpublished Correspondence of Madame Du Deffand'', trans. Mary Meeke, Vol. II (1810), pp. 257–258 * I have this year<!-- [1783]--> read all Virgil through. I read a book of the Æneid every night, so it was done in twelve nights, and I had a great delight in it. The Georgicks did not give me so much pleasure, except the fourth book. The Eclogues I have almost all by heart. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], as quoted in ''The Life of Samuel Johnson'' by [[James Boswell]], Vol. II (1791), p. 454 * The principal and distinguishing excellency of Virgil, and which, in my opinion, he possesses beyond all poets, is [[tenderness]]. Nature had endowed him with exquisite sensibility; he felt every affecting circumstance in the scenes he describes; and, by a single stroke, he knows how to reach the heart. ** [[Hugh Blair]], ''Lectures on Rhetoric and Belles Lettres'', Vol. II (1783), Lecture XLIII: 'The Æneid of Virgil', p. 447 * [The] [[w:Pathos|pathetic]] is Virgil's great excellence in the Æneid, and...in that way he surpasses all other poets of every age and nation, except, perhaps (and only perhaps), Shakspeare. It is on that account that I rank him so very high; for surely to excel in that style which speaks to the heart is the greatest of all excellence. ** [[Charles James Fox]], letter to [[Gilbert Wakefield]] (13 April 1801), in ''Correspondence of the late Gilbert Wakefield with the late Charles James Fox'' (1813), p. 192 * That harmonious plagiary and miserable flatterer, whose cursed hexameters were drilled into me at Harrow. ** [[Lord Byron]], letter to Thomas Moore (11 April 1817), in '' Letters and Journals of Lord Byron, with Notices of his Life, by Thomas Moore'' (1830), p. 329 * Virgil's style is an inimitable mixture of the elaborately ornate, and the majestically plain and touching. ** [[William Wordsworth]], letter to Lord Lonsdale (17 February 1819), in ''Letters of the Wordsworth Family from 1787 to 1855'', collected and ed. by W. Knight, Vol. II (1907), p. 123 * Virgil seems to have copied Greek models completely, imitating them slavishly and lifelessly, and so they appear as plagiarisms more or less devoid of spirit. ** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Vorlesungen über die Philosophie der Religion'', ed. W. Jaeschke, Vol. II, p. 402, as reported and quoted in ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014) by Philip Hardie, p. 14 * If you take from Virgil his diction and metre, what do you leave him? ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Table Talk'' (8 May 1824), in ''Specimens of the Table Talk of the late Samuel Taylor Coleridge'', Vol. I (1835), p. 50 * ''O Virgile! ô poète! ô mon maître divin!'' ** Oh Virgil! Oh [[Poets|poet]]! Oh my [[Holiness|divine]] master! ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Voix intérieures'' (1837), VII, 'À Virgile' * It never occurs to me to place him among the Roman poets of the first order. ** [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Barthold Georg Niebuhr]], ''The History of Rome'', Vol. V (1844), p. 79 * Unless one is a moron, one always dies unsure of one's own value and that of one's works. Virgil himself, as he lay dying, wanted the [[Aeneid]] burned. ** [[Gustave Flaubert]], letter to Louise Colet (19 September 1852), in ''The Letters of Gustave Flaubert: 1830–1857'', selected, edited and translated by Francis Steegmuller (1980), p. 170 * ''Le poète de la latinité tout entière.'' ** The poet of the entire Latin world. ** [[Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve]], ''Étude sur Virgile'' (1857), p. 35, as quoted in ''Why Vergil?: A Collection of Interpretations'' (2000), "Homage to Virgil" by Charles Fantazzi, p. 290 [[File:Matthew Arnold.jpg|thumb|The most attractive figure in literary history. <br />—[[Matthew Arnold]]]] * Over the whole of the great poem of Virgil, over the whole Æneid, there rests an ineffable melancholy: not a rigid, a moody gloom, like the melancholy of [[Lucretius]]; no, a sweet, a touching sadness, but still a sadness; a melancholy which is at once a source of charm in the poem, and a testimony to its incompleteness. Virgil, as [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Niebuhr]] has well said, expressed no affected self-disparagement, but the haunting, the irresistible self-dissatisfaction of his heart, when he desired on his deathbed that his poem might be destroyed. A man of the most delicate genius, the most rich learning, but of weak health, of the most sensitive nature, in a great and overwhelming world; conscious, at heart, of his inadequacy for the thorough spiritual mastery of that world and its interpretation in a work of art; conscious of this inadequacy—the one inadequacy, the one weak place in the mighty Roman nature! This suffering, this graceful-minded, this finely-gifted man is the most beautiful, the most attractive figure in literary history; but he is not the adequate interpreter of the great period of Rome. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], "On the Modern Element in Literature" (1857), lecture published in ''On the Classical Tradition'' (1960) ed. by R. H. Super, p. 35 * He writes passionately, because he feels keenly; forcibly, because he conceives vividly; he sees too clearly to be vague; he is too serious to be otiose; he can analyze his subject, and therefore he is rich; he embraces it as a whole and in its parts, and therefore he is consistent; he has a firm hold of it, and therefore he is luminous. When his imagination wells up, it overflows in ornament; when his heart is touched, it thrills along his verse. He always has the right word for the right idea, and never a word too much. If he is brief, it is because few words suffice; when he is lavish of them, still each word has its mark, and aids, not embarrasses, the vigorous march of his elocution. He expresses what all feel, but all cannot say; and his sayings pass into proverbs among his people, and his phrases become household words and idioms of their daily speech, which is tesselated with the rich fragments of his language, as we see in foreign lands the marbles of Roman grandeur worked into the walls and pavements of modern palaces.<br />Such pre-eminently is Shakespeare among ourselves; such pre-eminently Virgil among the Latins; such in their degree are all those writers who in every nation go by the name of Classics. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/24526/24526-h/24526-h.html The Idea of a University]'' (1858) * Virgil imitated Homer, but imitated him as a [[rival]], not as a disciple. ** [[John Conington]], ''P. Vergili Maronis Opera, with a Commentary by John Conington, M.A.'', Vol. II (1863), Introduction, p. 27 * His single words and phrases, his pathetic half-lines giving utterance, are as the voice of Nature herself, to that pain and weariness, yet hope of better things, which is the experience of her children in every time. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''An Essay in Aid of a Grammar of Assent'' (1870) [[File:Biblioteca moreniana, sala stucchi 05 virgilio.JPG|thumb|Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man.<br />—[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]]]] * My lord, you know what Virgil sings—<br />Woman is various and most mutable. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''Queen Mary'' (1875), Act III, scene vi. Cf. ''Aeneid'' 4.569 * Roman Virgil, thou that singest Ilion's lofty temples robed in fire. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 1 * Thou that singest wheat and woodland, tilth and vineyard, hive and horse and herd;<br />All the charm of all the Muses often flowering in a lonely word. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 3 * Thou that seest Universal Nature moved by Universal Mind;<br />Thou majestic in thy sadness at the doubtful doom of human kind. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 6 * Sound for ever of Imperial Rome. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 8 * I salute thee, Mantovano, I that loved thee since my day began,<br />Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 10 * Hundreds of Virgil's lines are for most of us familiar quotations, which linger in our memory, and round which our literary associations cluster and hang, just as religious feeling clings to well-known texts or passages of Scripture. ** [[Charles Bowen, Baron Bowen|Charles Bowen]], Preface to ''Virgil in English Verse'' (1887) * Of all that [Homer] knew he sang, but Virgil could only follow and imitate, with a pale antiquarian interest, the things that were alive for Homer. ** [[Andrew Lang]], letter to Lady Violet Lebas in ''Letters on Literature'' (1892), p. 65 <!-- * He who in the days of yore<br />Sang of pastures, sang of farms,<br />Sang of heroes and their arms,<br />Sang of passion, sang of war. ** Robert Cameron Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) * Then the soul of Virgil seems<br />To awaken from its dreams,<br />To sing again the melodies<br />Of which he often tells,—<br />The music of the birds,<br />The lowing of the herds,<br />The tinkling of the bells. ** R. C. Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) --> * The use which the grammarians made of Vergil is so extensive that, if all the [[w:Manuscripts|MSS.]] of him had been lost, it would be possible from the notices given us by the ancients of the Vergilian poems, and the passages quoted from them by the grammarians alone, to reconstruct practically the whole of the ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'', and the ''Aeneid''. ** [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]], ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 32 * [Virgil] borrows royally from nearly every older master of style. Yet the result, if a mosaic, at least remains clear, beautiful, even harmonious, in its general design and effect. ** [[w:William Cranston Lawton|William Cranston Lawton]], "Virgil" in ''Library of the World's Best Literature'' (1897), p. 15421 * But it is to beauty that, like [[Dante]], one returns as the final fact and feature of his style. Under Virgil's verbal sorcery, Latin becomes a golden language of exquisite richness, veined with a delicate melancholy and wistful reverie upon the abundant travail of life. If his wealth of tremulous pities and mystic dreams do not make true poetry, then poetry was never written. ** John Wight Duff, ''A Literary History of Rome'' (1909), p. 349 * Does [Aeneas] really resemble Odysseus at any point? No—there is no greater difference within the whole compass of ancient literature; and to understand that is to see how absurd are those critics who would dismiss Virgil contemptuously as a mere plagiarist and imitator of Homer. There is no more profound or astonishing originality in all the literature of antiquity than Virgil's; and that precisely because it operates within the limits imposed by the inherited and traditional forms, which it reverently observes. ** [[w:Theodor Haecker|Theodor Haecker]], ''Virgil, Father of the West'' (1934), tr. [[w:Arthur Wesley Wheen|A. W. Wheen]], p. 70 * With Virgil European poetry grows up. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''A Preface to Paradise Lost'' (1942), Chapter 6: "Virgil and the Subject of Secondary Epic" [[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|Our classic, the classic of all Europe, is Virgil.<br />—[[T. S. Eliot]]]] * [Aeneas] is the symbol of Rome; and, as Aeneas is to Rome, so is ancient Rome to Europe. Thus Virgil acquires the centrality of the unique classic; he is at the centre of European civilisation, in a position which no other poet can share or usurp. The Roman Empire and the Latin language were not any empire and any language, but an empire and a language with a unique destiny in relation to ourselves, and the poet in whom that Empire and that language came to consciousness and expression is a poet of unique destiny. [...] No modern language can hope to produce a classic, in the sense in which I have called Virgil a classic. Our classic, '''the classic of all Europe''', is Virgil. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "What is a Classic?" (1944) * I think that he had few illusions and that he saw clearly both sides of every question—the case for the loser as well as the case for the winner. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951), published in ''The Listener'' (13 September 1951) * Virgil, among classical Latin poets or prose writers, is uniquely near to Christianity. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * ...in the sense in which a poet is a philosopher … Virgil is the greatest philosopher of ancient Rome. ...Virgil was, among all authors of classical antiquity, one for whom the world made sense, for whom it had order and dignity, and for whom, as for no one before his time except the Hebrew prophets, history had meaning. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * No, Virgil, no:<br />Not even the first of the Romans can learn<br />His Roman history in the future tense,<br />Not even to serve your political turn;<br />Hindsight as foresight makes no sense. ** [[W. H. Auden]], "Secondary Epic" (1959), opening lines * Why Virgil's poems have for the last two thousand years exercised so great an influence on our Western culture is, paradoxically, because he was a renegade to the true Muse. His pliability; his subservience; his narrowness; his denial of that stubborn imaginative freedom which the true poets who preceded him had prized; his perfect lack of originality, courage, humour, or even animal spirits: these were the negative qualities which first commended him to government circles and have kept him in public favour ever since. [...] Few poets have brought such discredit as Virgil on their sacred calling. ** [[Robert Graves]], "The Virgil Cult" (1961), in ''The Virginia Quarterly Review'', Vol. 38, no. 1 (1962), pp. 13–35; partially quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 14, and in Richard Jenkyns's ''The Legacy of Rome: A New Appraisal'' (1992), p. 142. * Virgil's narrative style...is ''subjective'' or more accurately, ''empathetic-sympathetic''. Virgil not only reads the minds of his characters; he constantly communicates to us his own reactions to them and to their behaviour. ** [[w:Brooks Otis|Brooks Otis]], ''Virgil: A Study in Civilized Poetry'' (1964), p. 88 * Homer is a world; Virgil, a style. ** [[w:Mark Van Doren|Mark Van Doren]], as quoted in Allen Mandelbaum, trans., ''The Aeneid of Virgil'' (1971), p. vi * Like every human being, a poet has to deal with three questions: how, what for, and in the name of what to live. The ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'' and the ''Aeneid'' answer all three, and these answers apply equally to the Emperor and to his subjects, to antiquity as well as to our times. The modern reader may use Virgil in the same way that [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]] used him in his passage through Hell and Purgatory: as a guide. ** [[Joseph Brodsky]], "Virgil: Older than Christianity, a Poet for the New Age", in ''Vogue'' (October 1981), p. 180 * For Virgil all war is mad and one cannot conduct oneself morally on the battlefield. ** K. W Gransden, "War and Peace", in [[w:Harold Bloom|Harold Bloom]]'s ''Virgil's Aeneid'' (1987), p. 143 * Virgil's influence on English literature has been enormous. He was [[Edmund Spenser]]'s constant inspiration for the fanciful beauty of ''[[The Faerie Queene]]''. The ''[[Aeneid]]'' was the model for [[John Milton]]'s ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' not only in epic structure and machinery but also in style and diction. In the English Augustan age, [[John Dryden]] and countless others held that Virgil's poetry had reached the ultimate perfection of form and ethical content. There was some reaction against him in the Romantic period, but the Victorians, such as [[Matthew Arnold]] and [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], rediscovered in full measure that sensitivity and pathos that the Romantics had complained that Virgil lacked. ** ''[[w:Encyclopædia Britannica|Encyclopaedia Britannica]]'', "Virgil" in ''The New Encyclopædia Britannica'' (15th ed., 1993), pp. 500–501 * Virgil is too important to be left to the classicists. ** [[w:Theodore Ziolkowski|Theodore Ziolkowski]], ''Virgil and the Moderns'' (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1993), p. ix * At every step I have seen how impossible it is to translate Virgil, especially his unequaled blend of grandeur and accessibility..., of eloquence and action, heroics and humanity. ** [[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]], "Translator's Postscript" to Virgil, ''The Aeneid'' (New York: Viking, 2006), p. 389 == See also == * [[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|''The Works of Virgil'' (trans. John Dryden)]] == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Wikisource-inline|Author:Virgil}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/verg.html Original texts of Virgil's works at The Latin Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Virgil}} [[Category:Virgil]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] meggtpr09q0n3hu5vh4d75m4uvsf4rs 3944327 3944315 2026-05-23T01:01:39Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Virgil */ 3944327 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Parco_della_Grotta_di_Posillipo5_(crop).jpg|thumb|right|'''Love conquers all.''']] '''[[w:Virgil|Publius Vergilius Maro]]''' (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), known in English as '''Virgil''' or '''Vergil''', was a [[Rome|Roman]] poet, the [[Authors|author]] of the ''[[Eclogues]]'', the ''[[Georgics]]'' and the ''[[Aeneid]]'', the last being an epic poem of twelve books that became the [[Roman Empire]]'s national epic. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Eclogues|Eclogues]]'' (37 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Eclogues]]''''' * ''Parvis componere magna.'' ** To compare great things with small. ** Book I, line 23 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori.'' ** Trust not too much to that enchanting face;<br />Beauty's a charm, but soon the charm will pass. ** Book II, line 17 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Trahit sua quemque voluptas.'' ** Everyone is dragged on by their favorite pleasure. ** Book II, line 65 * ''Quae te dementia cepit!'' ** What madness has seized you? ** Book II, line 69 [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866207).jpg|thumb|A snake lurks in the grass.]] * ''Nunc omnis ager, nunc omnis parturit arbor;<br />Nunc frondent sylvae, nunc formosissimus annus.'' ** Every field, every tree is now budding; now the woods are green, now the year is at its loveliest. ** Book III, lines 56–57 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Latet anguis in herba.'' ** A snake lurks in the grass. ** Book III, line 93 * ''Magnus ab integro saeclorum nascitur ordo.'' ** The great line of the centuries begins anew. ** Book IV, line 5 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: ''[[w:Novus ordo seclorum|Novus ordo seclorum]]'' ("New order of the ages"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Incipe, parve puer, risu cognoscere matrem.'' ** Begin, baby boy, to recognize your mother with a smile. ** Book IV, line 60 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.''</p>Now I know what [[Love]] is.{{center/e}}]] * ''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.'' ** Now I know what [[Love]] is. ** Book VIII, line 43 (tr. R. C. Trevelyan) * ''Non omnia possumus omnes.'' ** We cannot all do everything. ** Book VIII, line 63 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Carpent tua poma nepotes.'' ** Your descendants shall gather your fruits. ** Book IX, line 50 * ''Omnia fert aetas, animum quoque''. ** [[Time]] bears away all things, even our [[minds]]. ** Book IX, line 51 * ''Cantantes licet usque (minus via laedit) eamus''. ** Let us go [[singing]] as far as we go: the road will be less tedious. ** Book IX, line 64 * ''Omnia vincit Amor; et nos cedamus Amori.'' ** Love conquers all; let us, too, yield to Love! ** Book X, line 69 (tr. Fairclough) ===''[[w:Georgics|Georgics]]'' (29 BC)=== :''Main article: '''[[Georgics]]''''' * ''Audacibus annue coeptis.'' ** Look with favor upon a bold beginning. ** Book I, line 40 * ''Umida<!--Humida?--> solstitia atque hiemes orate serenas,<br />agricolae.'' ** O farmers, pray that your summers be wet and your winters clear. ** Book I, lines 100–101 * ''Ut varias usus meditando extunderet artis<br />paulatim.'' ** [[Practice]] and [[thought]] might gradually forge many an [[art]]. ** Book I, lines 133–134 [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil...]] <!--[[File:Roman harvester, Trier.jpg|thumb|<p>''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint, agricolas!''</p>How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]], are [[farmers]]!]]--> * ''Labor omnia vicit<!--uicit--><br />improbus et duris urgens in rebus egestas.'' ** '''[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil''', and [[want]] that pinches when life is hard. ** Book I, lines 145–146 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough). *** Compare: ''[[w:Labor omnia vincit|Labor omnia vincit]]'' ("Work conquers all"), the state motto of [[Oklahoma]]. * ''In primis venerare Deos.'' ** Above all, worship the gods. ** Book I, line 338 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Adeo in teneris consuescere multum est.'' ** So strong is habit in tender years. ** Book II, line 272 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: "Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined." [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays: Epistle I'' (1734), line 150. * ''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint<br />Agricolas, quibus ipsa, procul discordibus armis,<br />Fundit humo facilem victum justissima tellus!'' ** How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]],<br />Are [[farmers]], more than lucky, they for whom,<br />Far from the clash of arms, the earth herself,<br />Most fair in dealing, freely lavishes<br />An easy livelihood. ** Book II, lines 458–460 (tr. L. P. Wilkinson) * ''Rura mihi et rigui placeant in vallibus amnes,<br />Flumina amem sylvasque inglorius.'' ** Let my [[delight]] be the [[Country life|country]], and the running [[streams]] amid the dells—may I love the [[waters]] and the [[woods]], though I be unknown to [[fame]]. ** Book II, lines 485–486 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Lucretius Rome.jpg|thumb|[[Happy]] the [[man]], who, [[studying]] [[nature]]'s [[laws]],<br />Through [[known]] effects can trace the [[secret]] [[cause]].]] [[File:A butterfly feeding on the tears of a turtle in Ecuador.jpg|thumbnail|{{center/s}}Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.{{center/e}}]][[File:KreweNereusInvite1900.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}''Tempus fugit.'' ([[Time]] flies.){{center/e}}]] *''Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.'' ** '''[[Blessed]] is he who has been able to win [[knowledge]] of the causes of things.''' ** Book II, line 490 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough); homage to [[Lucretius]]. *** [[John Dryden]]'s translation: ***: Happy the man, who, studying nature's laws,<br />Thro' known effects can trace the secret cause. * ''Optima quaeque dies miseris mortalibus aevi<br />Prima fugit; subeunt morbi tristisque senectus<br />Et labor, et durae rapit inclementia mortis.'' ** In youth alone, unhappy mortals live;<br />But, ah! the mighty bliss is fugitive:<br />Discolored sickness, anxious labor, come,<br />And age, and [[death]]'s inexorable doom. ** Book III, lines 66–68 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Amor omnibus idem.'' ** '''Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.''' ** Book III, lines 242–244 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Sed fugit interea, fugit irreparabile<!--inreparabile?--> tempus.'' ** But meanwhile it is flying, irretrievable time is flying. ** Book III, line 284; often quoted as ''tempus fugit'' ('time flies'). *** Compare [[Poor Richard's Almanack|Poor Richard's maxim]] of 1748: "Lost Time is never found again." * ''Alitur vitium, vivitque tegendo.'' ** [[Vice]] thrives and lives by concealment. ** Book III, line 454 * ''Si parva licet componere magnis.'' ** If we may [[compare]] small things with great. ** Book IV, line 176 (tr. Fairclough). Cf. ''Eclogues'' 1.23. * ''Nec morti esse locum.'' ** There is no place for death. ** Book IV, line 226 * ''Fata vocant.'' ** The fates call. ** Book IV, line 496 * ''Illo Vergilium me tempore dulcis alebat<br />Parthenope studiis florentem ignobilis oti.'' ** In those days I, Virgil, was nursed of sweet [[Naples|Parthenope]], and rejoiced in the arts of inglorious ease. ** Book IV, lines 563–564 (tr. Fairclough) === ''[[w:Aeneid|Aeneid]]'' (29–19 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Aeneid]]''''' ==== Book I ==== [[File:Aeneas' Flight from Troy by Federico Barocci.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Arma virumque cano.''</p>I sing of arms and a man.{{center/e}}]] * ''Arma virumque cano.'' ** '''I sing of arms and a man.''' ** Line 1 * ''Tantaene animis caelestibus irae?'' ** Can such resentment hold the minds of gods? ** Line 11 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''Tantae molis erat Romanam condere gentem!'' ** So hard and huge a task it was to found the Roman people. ** Line 33 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) *''O terque quaterque beati!'' ** O three and four times [[blessed]]! ** Line 95 * ''Apparent rari nantes in gurgite vasto.'' ** Here and there are seen swimmers in the vast abyss. ** Line 118 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil Mosaic Bardo Museum Tunis-cropped 4.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.''</p><p>Some day, perhaps, remembering even this will be a pleasure.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Вергілій. Вікіджерела.png|thumbnail|Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.]] * ''Furor arma ministrat.'' ** Rage supplies arms. ** Line 150 * ''O socii—neque enim ignari sumus ante malorum—<br />O passi graviora, dabit deus his quoque finem.'' ** Friends and companions,<br />Have we not known hard hours before this?<br />My men, who have endured still greater dangers,<br />God will grant us an end to these as well. ** Lines 198–199 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.'' ** Some day, perhaps, [[remembering]] even this<br />Will be a [[pleasure]]. ** Line 203 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Durate, et vosmet rebus servate secundis.'' ** '''Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.''' ** Line 207 (tr. Fairclough); spoken by Aeneas. *** John Dryden's translation: ***: '''[[Endure]] the hardships of your present state,<br />[[Live]], and reserve yourselves for [[better]] [[fate]].''' * ''Dux femina facti.'' ** The leader of the enterprise a [[woman]]. ** Line 364 (tr. Fairclough); of [[w:Dido|Dido]]. * ''Data fata secutus.'' ** Following what is decreed by fate. ** Line 382 * ''Mirabile dictu.'' ** Wonderful to tell. ** Line 439 * ''Sunt hic etiam sua praemia laudi,<br />Sunt [[w:Lacrimae rerum|lacrimae rerum]] et mentem mortalia tangunt.'' ** Even here, merit will have its true reward...<br />even here, '''the world is a world of [[tears]]<br />and the burdens of mortality touch the heart.''' ** Lines 461–462 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:Dido Receiving Aeneas.jpg|thumb|No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy.]] * ''Mens sibi conscia recti.'' ** A mind conscious of its own rectitude. ** Line 604 * ''Semper honos nomenque tuum laudesque manebunt.'' ** Your honor, your name, your praise will live forever. ** Line 609 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Non ignara mali miseris succurrere disco.'' ** No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy. ** Line 630, as translated in ''The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' (1999)<!--, p. 793-->; spoken by Dido. ==== Book II ==== *''Infandum, regina, jubes<!--iubes?--> renovare dolorem.'' ** Sorrow too deep to tell, your majesty,<br />You order me to feel and tell once more. ** Line 3 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald); these are the opening words of Aeneas's narrative about the fall of Troy, addressed to Queen Dido of Carthage. * ''Quis talia fando<br />Temperet a lacrimis?'' ** Who could tell such things and still refrain from [[tears]]? ** Lines 6 and 8 (tr. Fagles) [[File:Giovanni Domenico Tipeolo, Procession of the Trojan Horse in Troy, 1760.jpg|thumb|Do not trust the [[horse]], Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring [[gifts]].]] * ''Equo ne credite, Teucri.<br />quidquid id est, [[w:Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes|timeo Danaos et dona ferentes]].'' ** '''Do not trust the horse, Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts.''' ** Lines 48–49; Trojan priest of Apollo warning against the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] left by the Greeks. * ''In utrumque paratus.'' ** Prepared for either alternative. ** Line 61 * ''Ab uno disce omnes.'' ** From one learn all. ** Lines 65–66 (tr. Fairclough) *''Horresco referens.'' ** I shudder as I tell the tale. ** Line 204 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Tacitae per amica silentia lunae.'' ** Amid the friendly [[silence]] of the peaceful moon. ** Line 255 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Quantum mutatus ab illo.'' ** How [[changed]] from what he once was! ** Line 274 * ''Arrectis auribus adsto<!--asto?-->.'' ** I wait with listening ears. ** Line 303 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Venit summa dies et ineluctabile tempus<br />Dardaniae.'' ** It is come—the last day and inevitable hour for Troy. ** Lines 324–325 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.'' ** The only hope for the doomed is no hope at all. ** Line 354. Variant translation: The only safe course for the defeated is to expect no safety. * ''Dis<!--Diis?--> aliter visum.'' ** The [[gods]] thought otherwise. ** Line 428 * ''Fit via vi.'' ** Force finds a way. ** Line 494 (tr. Fairclough) ==== Book III ==== [[File:Bauer - Polydorus Polymnestor cropped.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Auri sacra fames!''</p>Accursed hunger for [[gold]]!{{center/e}}]] * ''Quid non mortalia pectora cogis,<br />Auri sacra fames?'' ** To what extremes won't you compel our hearts,<br />you accursed lust for gold? ** Lines 56–57 (tr. Robert Fagles); the murder of [[w:Polydorus (son of Priam)|Polydorus]]. * ''Fama volat.'' ** Rumor flies. ** Line 121 (tr. Fagles) * ''Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum.'' ** An awful misshapen monster, huge, his eyelight lost. ** Line 658 (tr. Mandelbaum); of [[w:Polyphemus|Polyphemus]]. ==== Book IV ==== [[File:Karel Škréta - Dido a Aeneas (1670).jpg|thumbnail|Who can deceive a lover?]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|I sail for Italy not of my own free will.]] * ''Degeneres animos timor arguit.'' ** [[Fear]] is the proof of a degenerate mind. ** Line 13 * ''Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae.'' ** I feel once more the scars of the old [[flame]]. ** Line 23 (tr. C. Day Lewis); Dido acknowledging her love for Aeneas. * ''Fama, malum qua non aliud velocius ullum.'' ** [[Rumor]], swiftest of all the evils in the world. ** Line 174 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Quis fallere possit amantem?'' ** Who can deceive a lover? ** Line 296 * ''Numquam, regina, negabo<br />Promeritam, nec me meminisse pigebit Elissae<br />Dum memor ipse mei, dum spiritus hos regit artus.'' ** I shall never deny what you deserve, my queen,<br />never regret my [[memories]] of Dido, not while I<br />can recall myself and draw the breath of life. ** Lines 334–336 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Italiam non sponte sequor.'' ** I sail for Italy not of my own free will. ** Line 361 (tr. Fitzgerald); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Improbe Amor, quid non mortalia pectora cogis!'' ** Unconscionable Love,<br />To what extremes will you not drive our hearts! ** Line 412 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Σχέτλι᾽ Ἔρως, μέγα πῆμα, μέγα στύγος ἀνθρώποισιν,<br />ἐκ σέθεν οὐλόμεναί τ᾽ ἔριδες στοναχαί τε γόοι τε,<br />ἄλγεά τ᾽ ἄλλ᾽ ἐπὶ τοῖσιν ἀπείρονα τετρήχασιν. **** Unconscionable Love, bane and tormentor of mankind, parent of strife, fountain of tears, source of a thousand ills. **** [[Apollonius of Rhodes]], ''Argonautica'', IV, 445–447 (tr. E. V. Rieu) * ''Fata obstant.'' ** Fate withstands. ** Line 440 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Varium et mutabile semper<br />Femina.'' ** '''Fickle and changeable always is woman.''' ** Lines 569–570 [[File:Death Dido Cayot Louvre MR1780.jpg|thumb|I shall die unavenged,<br />but I shall die.]] * ''Exoriare aliquis nostris ex ossibus ultor.'' ** Let someone arise from my bones as an Avenger. ** Line 625 * ''Vixi, et, quem dederat cursum Fortuna, peregi;<br />Et nunc magna mei sub terras ibit Imago.'' ** I have lived<br />and journeyed through the course assigned by fortune.<br />And now my Shade will pass, illustrious,<br />beneath the earth. ** Lines 653–654 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''‘Moriemur inultae,<br />Sed moriamur’ ait. ‘sic, sic juvat ire sub umbras.’'' ** "I shall die unavenged, but I shall die,"<br />she says. "Thus, thus, I gladly go below<br />to shadows." ** Lines 659–660 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) ==== Book V ==== * ''Furens quid Femina possit.'' ** What a woman can do in frenzy. ** Line 6 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Litus ama.'' ** Hug the shore. ** Line 163 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Giusto di gand e pedro berruguete, virgilio.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Possunt, quia posse videntur.''</p>{{center/e}}<p>They [[Ability|can]] because they [[think]] they can.</p>]] * ''Possunt, quia posse videntur''. ** '''They can because they think they can.''' ** Line 231 (tr. John Conington) * ''Decus et tutamen''. ** An ornament and a safeguard. ** Line 262; inscription on some [[w:One pound (British coin)|British one-pound coins]] up until 2015. The line was suggested by [[John Evelyn]] for the edge legend on the new milled coinage of [[Charles II of England]] from 1662 on to discourage clipping. He had seen it on the edge of a mirror belonging to [[Cardinal Richelieu]] (recorded in his book ''Numismata'' in 1697). The suggestion was adopted. * ''Cede Deo.'' ** Yield to [[God]]. ** Line 467 <!--[[File:Virgilio.png|thumb|Every misfortune is to be subdued by patience.]]--> * ''Superanda omnis fortuna ferendo est.'' ** '''Every [[misfortune]] is to be subdued by [[patience]].''' ** Line 710 ==== Book VI ==== * ''Bella, horrida bella.'' ** [[Wars]], horrid wars. ** Line 86 * ''Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito.'' ** '''Yield not to misfortunes, but advance all the more boldly against them.''' ** Line 95 * ''Obscuris vera involvens.'' ** Wrapping truth in darkness. ** Line 100 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Aeneas and the Sibyl - Google Art Project.jpg|268px|thumb|right|The gates of hell are open night and day;<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.]] * ''Facilis descensus [[w:Lake Avernus|Averno]]<br />Noctes atque dies patet atri ianua [[w:Dis Pater|Ditis]];<br />Sed revocare gradum superasque evadere ad auras,<br />Hoc opus, hic labor est.'' ** '''The gates of [[hell]] are open [[night]] and [[day]];<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.''' ** Lines 126–129 (as translated by [[John Dryden]]) *** Variant translation: ***: It is easy to go down into Hell;<br />Night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide;<br />But to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air—<br />There's the rub, the task. *** Compare: **** Long is the way<br />And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'', Book II, line 432 * ''Fidus Achates.'' ** Faithful [[w:Achates|Achates]]. ** Line 158; phrase often applied to a friend or relative who remains faithful at all events—Achates was Aeneas' most faithful friend. * ''Procul, O procul este, profani!'' ** Away, away, unhallowed ones! ** Line 258 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Nunc animis opus, Aenea, nunc pectore firmo.'' ** Now, Aeneas, is the hour for courage, now for a dauntless heart! ** Line 261 (tr. Fairclough); Sibyl's words to Aeneas as they enter the underworld. * ''Di, quibus imperium est animarum, umbraeque silentes,<br />Et Chaos, et Phlegethon, loca nocte tacentia late,<br />Sit mihi fas audita loqui: sit numine vestro<br />Pandere res alta terra et caligine mersas.'' ** Ye realms, yet unrevealed to human sight,<br />Ye gods who rule the regions of the night,<br />Ye gliding ghosts, permit me to relate<br />The mystic wonders of your silent state! ** Lines 264–267 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Ibant obscuri sola sub nocte per umbram,<br />Perque domos Ditis vacuas et inania regna.'' ** Obscure they went through dreary shades, that led<br />Along the waste dominions of the dead. ** Lines 268–269 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Malesuada Fames.'' ** [[Hunger]] that persuades to evil. ** Line 276 * ''Consanguineus Leti Sopor.'' ** [[Death]]'s own brother [[Sleep]]. ** Line 278 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Stabant orantes primi transmittere cursum<br />Tendebantque manus ripae ulterioris amore.'' ** There all stood begging to be first across<br />And reached out longing hands to the far shore. ** Lines 313–314 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.'' ** Cease to think that the decrees of the gods can be changed by prayers. ** Line 376 * ''Discite justitiam moniti et non temnere divos.'' ** '''Be warned; [[learn]] ye to be [[just]] and not to slight the [[gods]]!''' ** Line 620 (H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''Vendidit hic auro patriam.'' ** This man sold his country for gold. ** Line 621 * ''Non, mihi si linguae centum sunt oraque centum<br />Ferrea vox, omnis scelerum comprendere formas,<br />Omnia poenarum percurrere nomina possim.'' ** Nay, had I a hundred tongues, a hundred mouths, and voice of iron, I could not sum up all the forms of crime, or rehearse all the tale of torments. ** Lines 625–627 (tr. H. R. Fairclough); the punishments of the Inferno. * ''Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes.'' ** They who bettered life on earth by new-found mastery. ** Line 663 (tr. William Morris); the blessed in [[w:Elysium|Elysium]]. A paraphrase of this is inscribed on the [[w:Nobel prize|Nobel prize]] medals for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, and Literature: ''Inventas vitam juvat excoluisse per artes'' ("inventions enhance life which is beautified through art"). [[File:Vergilius.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Mens agitat molem.''</p><p>Mind moves matter.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Ubeleski Aeneas and Anchises.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud.]] * ''Mens agitat molem.'' ** Mind moves matter. ** Line 727 [[File:Anchises.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Quisque suos patimur manis.''</p><p>Each of us bears his own Hell.</p>{{center/e}}]] * ''Quisque suos patimur manis.'' ** '''Each of us bears his own Hell.''' ** Line 743<!--. Compare: "For every man shall bear his own burden." [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]] 6:5 (KJV).--> * ''Te tua fata docebo.'' ** I will teach you your destiny. ** Line 759 (tr. Stanley Lombardo) * ''Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento<br />(Hae tibi erunt artes), pacique imponere morem,<br />Parcere subjectis et debellare superbos.'' ** Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud. ** Lines 851–853 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Tu Marcellus eris.'' ** You will be [[w:Marcus Claudius Marcellus (Julio-Claudian dynasty)|Marcellus]]. ** Line 883 * ''Manibus date lilia plenis.'' ** Give [[lilies]] with full hands. ** Line 883 * ''Sunt geminae Somni portae, quarum altera fertur<br />Cornea, qua veris facilis datur exitus umbris,<br />Altera candenti perfecta nitens elephanto,<br />Sed falsa ad caelum mittunt insomnia Manes.'' ** There are twin Gates of Sleep.<br />One, they say, is called the Gate of Horn<br />and it offers easy passage to all true shades.<br />The other glistens with ivory, radiant, flawless,<br />but through it the dead send false dreams up toward the sky. ** Lines 893–896 (tr. Fagles); the [[w:Gates of horn and ivory|gates of horn and ivory]]. ==== Book VII ==== [[File:Aeneid, Book I; (1886) (14783231252).jpg|thumb|If I cannot sway the [[heavens]], I'll wake the [[powers]] of [[hell]]!]] * ''Major rerum mihi nascitur ordo; <br />Majus opus moveo.'' ** A greater history opens before my eyes,<br />A greater task awaits me. ** Lines 44–45 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo<!--mouebo?-->.'' ** If I cannot sway the heavens, I'll wake the powers of hell! ** Line 312 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Juno. *** Variant translation: ***: If I am unable to make the gods above relent, I shall move Hell. *** Compare: **** Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667), Book I, line 263 **** If Heaven thou can'st not bend, Hell thou shalt move. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad]]'', Book III, line 307 ==== Book VIII ==== * ''Pedibus timor addidit alas.'' ** Fear gave wings to his feet. ** Line 224 (tr. C. Day Lewis) * ''Arte magistra.'' ** By the aid of art. ** Line 442; cf. 12.427. * ''O mihi praeteritos referat si Iuppiter annos.'' ** If only Jupiter would give me back<br />The past years and the man I was... ** Line 560 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book IX ==== [[File:Nisos Euryalos Louvre LL450 n2.jpg|thumb|Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a poppy<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain.]] * ''Dine hunc ardorem mentibus addunt,<br />Euryale, an sua cuique deus fit dira cupido?'' ** Do the gods light this fire in our hearts<br />or does each man's mad desire become his god? ** Lines 184–185 (tr. Fagles) * ''Nequeam lacrimas perferre parentis.'' ** I cannot bear a mother's tears. ** Line 289 * ''Volvitur Euryalus leto, pulchrosque per artus<br />It cruor inque umeros cervix conlapsa recumbit:<br />Purpureus veluti cum flos succisus aratro<br />Languescit moriens; lassove papavera collo<br />Demisere caput, pluvia cum forte gravantur.'' ** Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a [[poppy]]<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain. ** Lines 433–437 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Μήκων δ' ὡς ἑτέρωσε κάρη βάλεν, ἥ τ' ἐνὶ κήπῳ<br />καρπῷ βριθομένη νοτίῃσί τε εἰαρινῇσιν,<br />ὣς ἑτέρωσ' ἤμυσε κάρη πήληκι βαρυνθέν. **** He bent drooping his head to one side, as a garden poppy<br />bends beneath the weight of its yield and the rains of springtime;<br />so his head bent slack to one side beneath the helm's weight. **** [[Homer]], ''Iliad'', VIII, 306–308 (tr. R. Lattimore) [[File:P051514PS-0299 (14565228313).jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo.''</p><p>"No day shall erase you from the memory of time"</p>([[w:National September 11 Memorial & Museum|9/11 Memorial Museum]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Fortunati ambo! si quid mea carmina possunt, <br />Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo,<br />Dum domus Aeneae Capitoli immobile saxum<br />Accolet imperiumque pater Romanus habebit.'' ** How fortunate, [[w:Nisus and Euryalus|both]] at once!<br />If my songs have any power, the day will never dawn<br />that wipes you from the memory of the ages, not while<br />the house of Aeneas stands by the Capitol's rock unshaken,<br />not while the Roman Father rules the world. ** Lines 446–449 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Iuppiter omnipotens, audacibus adnue coeptis.'' ** Jove almighty,<br />nod assent to the daring work I have in hand! ** Line 625 (tr. Fagles) *** Compare: ''[[w:Annuit cœptis|Annuit cœptis]]'' ("[God] has favored our undertaking"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Macte nova virtute, puer, sic itur ad astra.'' ** [[Blessings]] on your young [[courage]], boy; that's the way to the [[stars]]. ** Line 641 ==== Book X ==== * ''Fata viam invenient.'' ** '''Fate will find a way.''' ** Line 113 [[File:Turnus.jpg|thumb|[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].]] * ''Audentes<!--Audentis?--> fortuna iuvat.'' ** '''[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].''' ** Line 284 ** Variant translations: *** Fortune favors the brave. *** Fortune helps the daring. *** Fortune sides with him who dares. ** Compare: *** ''Fortibus est fortuna viris data.'' **** Fortune is given to brave men. **** [[Ennius]], ''Annales'', 257 * ''Stat sua cuique dies, breve et inreparabile tempus<br />Omnibus est vitae; sed famam extendere factis,<br />Hoc virtutis opus.'' ** Every man's last day is fixed.<br />Lifetimes are brief and not to be regained,<br />For all mankind. But by their deeds to make<br />Their fame last: that is labor for the brave. ** Lines 467–469 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book XI ==== * ''Experto credite''. ** Trust the expert. ** Line 283; cf. "[[w:Experto crede|experto crede]]". ** Variant translations: *** Trust one who has gone through it. *** Believe one who has had [[experience]]. * ''Spes sibi quisque.'' ** Each one his own hope. ** Line 30<!--. Compare: "Ech man for hymself." [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''The Canterbury Tales'', 'The Knight's Tale', line 1182--> * ''Nulla salus bello.'' ** There is no salvation in war. ** Line 362 (tr. L. R. Lind) ==== Book XII ==== [[File:Aeneas Latium BM GR1927.12-12.1.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others.]] * ''Aegrescitque medendo.'' ** The attempts to heal enflame the fever more. ** Line 46 (tr. Fagles) * ''Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.'' ** Who knows?<br />Better times may come to those in pain. ** Line 153 (tr. Fagles) * ''Disce, puer, virtutem ex me verumque laborem,<br />Fortunam ex aliis.'' ** Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others. ** Lines 435–436 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) [[File:Aeneas and Turnus.jpg|thumb|upright=1.2|Go no further down the road of hatred.]] * ''Usque adeone mori miserum est?'' ** Is it then so sad a thing to die? ** Line 646 (tr. Alexander Thomson) * ''Ulterius ne tende odiis.'' ** Go no further down the road of hatred. ** Line 938 (tr. Robert Fagles); Turnus asking Aeneas for mercy. * ''Vitaque cum gemitu fugit indignata sub umbras.'' ** And with a groan for that indignity<br />His spirit fled into the gloom below. ** Line 952 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) {{Disputed begin}} == Attributed == * ''Ille ego, qui quondam gracili modulatus avena<br />Carmen, et egressus silvis vicina coegi<br />Ut quamvis avido parerent arva colono,<br />Gratum opus agricolis, at nunc horrentia Martis<!--<br />Arma virumque cano--> ...'' ** I am the poet who once tuned his song<br />On a slender reed and then leaving the woods<br />Compelled the fields to obey the hungry farmer,<br />A pleasing work. But now War's grim and savage<!--<br />Arms I sing—and a man--> ... ** Spurious opening lines of the ''Aeneid'' (tr. Stanley Lombardo), not found in the earliest manuscripts. Attributed to Virgil on the authority of "the grammarian Nisus", who claimed to have "heard from older men" that [[w:Lucius Varius Rufus|Varius]] had "emended the beginning of the first book by striking out" the four introductory lines, as reported in [[Suetonius]]' [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Life of Vergil''], 42 (Loeb translation). [[John Conington]], in his ''Commentary on Vergil's Aeneid'', remarks: "The external evidence of such a story it is impossible to estimate, but its existence suspiciously indicates that the lines were felt to require apology" (Vol. II, p. 30). * ''Facilius esse Herculi clavam quam Homero versum subripere.'' ** It is easier to steal the club of Hercules than a line from [[Homer]]. ** As quoted by [[w:Asconius Pedianus|Asconius Pedianus]], and reported in [[Suetonius]]-[[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]], [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/L/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Vita Vergili''] (''Life of Virgil''), [http://virgil.org/vitae/ 46]. * ''Hos ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.'' ** I made these little verses, another took the honor. ** Epigram attributed to Virgil in [[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]]' ''Life of Virgil''. [[File:Vergil tomb inscription.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.''</p>I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders.{{center/e}}]] * ''Mors aurem vellens, "vivite," ait, "venio."'' ** '''Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says. "I am coming."''' ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Copa'' 38. * ''Color est e pluribus unus.'' ** Many colors blend into one. ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Moretum'' 102. *** Compare: ''[[w:E pluribus unum|E pluribus unum]]'' ("Out of many, one"), motto on the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.'' ** I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders. ** Inscription on Virgil's tomb in Naples (tr. Bernard Knox). {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ''Minuit praesentia famam.'' ** '''Presence diminishes fame.''' ** [[Claudian]], ''De Bello Gildonico'', 385 ** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in an "undoubtedly spurious Italian epistle sometimes printed in <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Dante Alighieri|Dante]]'s] works". ([[w:Edward Moore (scholar)|Edward Moore]], ''Studies in Dante'' [1896], footnote on p. 240.) * Let fraud supply the want of force in war. ** From Book II of [[John Dryden|Dryden]]'s ''Aeneid''; no exact Latin equivalent exists in Virgil's work, but compare: "''Dolus, an virtus, quis in hoste requirat?''" (''Aeneid'' 2.390). * ''Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat inchoare longam.'' ** '''Life's short span forbids us to enter on far reaching hopes.''' ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iv, line 15 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 233--> * ''Virginibus puerisque canto.'' ** I sing for maidens and boys. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode i, line 4 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 231--> * ''Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam,<br />Maiorumque fames.'' ** As [[money]] grows, care follows it and the [[hunger]] for more. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode xvi, lines 17–18 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 51--> * ''Interdum volgus rectum videt, est ubi peccat.'' ** At times the world sees straight, but many times the world goes astray. ** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book II, epistle i, line 63 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 112--> [[File:The noblest motive is the public good - Jefferson Building - Library of Congress.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}"The noblest motive is the public good." ([[w:Library of Congress|Library of Congress]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Vincit amor patriae.'' ** '''The noblest motive is the public good.''' ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''[[w:The Spectator (1711)|The Spectator]]''. Compare ''Aeneid'' 6.823: ''Vincet amor patriae'' ("Love of country shall prevail"). ** "In ''The City of God'' Augustine quoted the line but changed the verb from the future to the present tense (''vincet'' › ''vincit''). That form became a traditional quotation, often reprinted and reproduced on medals, monuments, and family crests. [...] "Vincit amor patriae" appeared at the head of ''Spectator'' no. 200 (October 19, 1711) without translation. The essays from the ''Spectator'' were published and republished as books as early as 1713. To assist readers who lacked Latin or Greek, the editors of the 1744 edition provided English translations for its epigraphs; to "Vincit amor patriae" was added "The noblest Motive is the Publick Good." It stuck. The translation was modernized and made its way into innumerable texts and onto public buildings. It is inscribed on the ceiling of the south corridor of the Library of Congress and attributed to Virgil. A mistranslation became a quotation." —Willis Goth Regier, ''Quotology'' (2010), pp. 40–41. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Virgil == [[File:Quintus Horatius Flaccus.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}Half of my [[soul]]. <br />—[[Horace]]{{center/e}}]] * ''Animae dimidium meae.'' ** Half of my soul. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iii, line 8 * ''Vergilium vidi tantum.'' ** Virgil I only saw. ** [[Ovid]], ''[[w:Tristia|Tristia]]'' ["Sorrows"], IV, x, 51 * ''Ideoque optime institutum est ut ab Homero atque Vergilio lectio inciperet, quamquam ad intellegendas eorum virtutes firmiore iudicio opus est: sed huic rei superest tempus, neque enim semel legentur.'' ** It is therefore an admirable practice which now prevails, to begin by reading [[Homer]] and Vergil, although the intelligence needs to be further developed for the full appreciation of their merits: but there is plenty of time for that since the boy will read them more than once. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'' (c. 95 AD), I, viii, 5 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Vtar enim verbis isdem quae ex Afro Domitio iuvenis excepi, qui mihi interroganti quem Homero crederet maxime accedere "secundus" inquit "est Vergilius, propior tamen primo quam tertio". Et hercule ut illi naturae caelesti atque inmortali cesserimus, ita curae et diligentiae vel ideo in hoc plus est, quod ei fuit magis laborandum, et quantum eminentibus vincimur, fortasse aequalitate pensamus. Ceteri omnes longe sequentur.'' ** I will repeat the words which I heard [[w:Domitius Afer|Domitius Afer]] use in my young days. I asked what poet in his opinion came nearest to Homer, and he replied, "Virgil came nearest to Homer, but is nearer first than third." And in truth, although we must needs bow before the immortal and superhuman genius of Homer, there is greater diligence and exactness in the work of Virgil just because his task was harder. And perhaps the superior uniformity of the Roman's excellence balances Homer's pre-eminence in his outstanding passages. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'', X, i, 86 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Corpore et statura fuit grandi, aquilo colore, facie rusticana, valetudine varia; nam plerumque a stomacho et a faucibus ac dolore capitis laborabat, sanguinem etiam saepe reiecit. Cibi vinique minimi; libidinis in pueros pronioris... Vulgatum est consuesse eum et cum Plotia Hieria. ... Cetera sane vitae et ore et animo tam probum constat, ut Neapoli Parthenias vulgo appellatus sit, ac si quando Romae, quo rarissime commeabat, viseretur in publico, sectantis demonstrantisque se subterfugeret in proximum tectum. '' ** He [Virgil] was tall and of full habit, with a dark complexion and a rustic appearance. His health was variable; for he very often suffered from stomach and throat troubles, as well as with headache; and he also had frequent haemorrhages. He ate and drank but little. He was especially given to passions for boys... It is common report that he also had an intrigue with Plotia Hieria. ... Certain it is that for the rest of his life he was so [[modest]] in speech and thought, that at Naples he was commonly called "Parthenias" ("The Maiden"), and that whenever he appeared in public in Rome, where he very rarely went, he would take refuge in the nearest house, to avoid those who followed and pointed him out. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 8–11, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by [[w:John Carew Rolfe|J. C. Rolfe]]'', Vol. II (1914), p. 467 * ''"Bucolica" triennio, "Georgica" VII, "Aeneida" XI perfecit annis.'' ** The "[[Bucolics]]" he finished in three years, the "[[Georgics]]" in seven, the "[[Aeneid]]" in twelve. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 25, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by J. C. Rolfe'', Vol. II (1914), p. 473 * [[Plato]] of [[Poets]]. ** [[w:Alexander Severus|Alexander Severus]], as quoted in [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]]'s ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 48 * ''Facundia Mantuani multiplex et multiformis est et dicendi genus omne complectitur.'' ** The Mantuan's eloquence is many-sided and diverse, embracing every style. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'' (c. 400), V, i, 4 (Loeb translation) * ''Decem Rhetorum, qui apud Athenas Atticas floruerunt, stylos inter se diversos hunc unum permiscuisse.'' ** He combined, all by himself, the divergent styles of the ten orators who flourished in the Athens of Attica. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'', V, i, 20 (Loeb translation) * ''Intentio Vergilii haec est, Homerum imitari et Augustum laudare a parentibus.'' ** Virgil's intention is to imitate Homer and to praise [[Augustus]] by means of his ancestors. ** [[w:Servius the Grammarian|Servius the Grammarian]], introductory note to his ''Commentary on Virgil's Aeneid'' (c. 400–420), as quoted in ''Antichthon'', Vol. I (1967 ), p. 29 * Καὶ φίλος Αὐσονίοισι λιγύθροος ἔπρεπε κύκνος <br> πνείων εὐεπίης Βεργίλλιος, ὅν ποτε Ῥώμης <br> Θυμβριὰς ἄλλον Ὅμηρον ἀνέτρεφε πάτριος Ηχώ. ** And he stood forth—the clear-voiced swan dear to the Italians, Virgil breathing eloquence, whom his native Echo of Tiber nourished to be another Homer. ** [[w:Christodoros of Thebes|Christodoros of Thebes]], "description of the statues in the public gymnasium called Zeuxippos", ''[[Greek Anthology]]'', II (tr. [[w:William Roger Paton|W. R. Paton]], 1916) * ''Nempe apud Vergilium, quem propterea paruuli legunt, ut uidelicet poeta magnus omniumque praeclarissimus atque optimus teneris ebibitus animis non facile obliuione possit aboleri...'' ** Virgil certainly is held to be a great poet; in fact he is regarded as the best and the most renowned of all poets, and for that reason he is read by children at an early age—they take great draughts of his poetry into their unformed minds, so that they may not easily forget him. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''[[w:The City of God (book)|The City of God]]'' (c. 410), Book I, Chapter 3 (tr. [[w:Henry S. Bettenson|Henry Bettenson]]) * ''Divinus poeta noster.'' ** Our divine poet. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[w:De Monarchia|De Monarchia]]'' (c. 1313), II, iii, 6. * ''Or se' tu quel Virgilio e quella fonte<br />che spandi di parlar sì largo fiume?'' ** Now, art thou that Virgilius and that fountain<br />Which spreads abroad so wide a river of speech? ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[s:The Divine Comedy|The Divine Comedy]]'' (c. 1321), Inferno, I, 79–80 (tr. [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Longfellow]]) [[File:Dante Luca.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore.''</p>You are my master and my author.<br />—[[Dante Alighieri]]{{center/e}}]] *<p>''O de li altri poeti onore e lume,<br />vagliami 'l lungo studio e 'l grande amore<br />che m'ha fatto cercar lo tuo volume.''</p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore, <br />tu se' solo colui da cu' io tolsi <br />lo bello stilo che m'ha fatto onore.'' ** <p>O, of the other poets honour and light,<br />Avail me the long study and great love<br />That have impelled me to explore thy volume!</p>Thou art my master, and my author thou,<br />Thou art alone the one from whom I took<br />The beautiful style that has done honour to me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, I, 82–87 (tr. Longfellow) * ''O anima cortese mantoana<br />Di cui la fama ancor nel mondo dura,<br />E durera quanto 'l moto lontana.'' ** O spirit courteous of [[w:Mantua|Mantua]],<br />Of whom the fame still in the world endures,<br />And shall endure, long-lasting as the world. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 58–60 (tr. Longfellow) * ''Tu duca, tu signore e tu maestro.'' ** You are my guide, you are my lord and teacher. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 140 (tr. Mark Musa) * ''O gloria di Latin, disse, per cui<br />mostrò ciò che potea la lingua nostra...'' ** "O glory of the Latin race," [[w:Sordello|he]] said, "by whom our language showed forth all its power..." ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, VII, 16–17 (tr. Carlyle-Wicksteed) * ''Ma Virgilio n'avea lasciati scemi<br /> di sé, Virgilio, dolcissimo patre,<br /> Virgilio a cui per mia salute die'mi.'' ** But us Virgilius of himself deprived<br />Had left, Virgilius, sweetest of all fathers,<br />Virgilius, to whom I for safety gave me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, XXX, 49–51 (tr. Longfellow) * ''For thou shalt, by thyn owene experience,<br />Konne in a chayer rede of this sentence<br />Bet than Virgile, while he was on lyve.'' ** For thou shalt, by thine own experience,<br />Conne in a chair read of this sentence<br />Better than Virgil, while he was alive. ** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''[[w:The Canterbury Tales|The Canterbury Tales]]'' (c. 1390), [[s:The Canterbury Tales/The Friar's Prologue and Tale|Friar's Tale]], III.1517–1519 * ''Quem te, inquit, reddidissem,<br />Si te vivum invenissem,<br />Poetarum maxime!'' ** What a man I should have made of you if I had met you in your life, greatest of poets! ** [[Anonymous]] poet at Paris in the twelfth or thirteenth century, describing how [[Paul of Tarsus]], upon visiting the tomb of Virgil at Naples, according to legend, "shed tears of regret at the thought that the poet had not lived at a time when he might have been converted by the Apostle", as reported in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 127, ''A History of Classical Scholarship'' (1903) by [[w:John Sandys (classicist)|John Sandys]], p. 611, and ''The Oxford Companion to Classical Literature'' (2013), ed. M. C. Howatson, p. 592 * Nothing in short was omitted by that godlike man. Only fools would want to add anything; only insolent men to change anything. Sentences, numbers, figures, simplicity, candor, ornaments, nature, art, learning—all is incomparable, or, in a word—Virgilian. ... Let the cravens who contend that the free genius and taste of divine Virgil were prisoners of Homer's inventions hold their peace. It was not thus. The arguments of Homer which nature proposed to him were corrected by Virgil as a schoolboy's theme by his professor. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in "Life of Julius Caesar Scaliger (1484–1558)" by Vernon Hall, Jr. — ''Transactions of the American Philosophical Society'', Vol. 40, Part 2 (1950), p. 153 * ''...exemplum, regula, principium, finis esse debet nobis Maro.'' ** Virgil should be our example, our rule, the beginning and the end. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices libri septem'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 9 [[File:Raffael 075.jpg|thumb|[[Homer]]'s poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth.<br />—[[George Chapman]]]] * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** [[George Chapman]], Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * And for his poesy, 'tis so rammed with life,<br />That it shall gather strength of life, with being,<br />And live hereafter more admired than now. ** [[Ben Jonson]], ''[[w:Poetaster (play)|Poetaster]]'' (1601), Act V, scene i * The chastest poet and royalest that to the memory of man is known. ** [[Francis Bacon]], as quoted in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 128 * Next, Virgil I’ll call forth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; To pledge this second health <br> In wine, whose each cup’s worth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; An Indian commonwealth. ** [[Robert Herrick]], "To Live Merrily, and to Trust to Good Verses", st. 5. ''Hesperides'' (1648) * Hail mighty Maro! may that sacred name<br />Kindle my breast with thy celestial flame;<br />Sublime ideas and apt words infuse,<br />The Muse instruct my voice, and thou inspire the Muse! ** [[Wentworth Dillon, 4th Earl of Roscommon]], ''Essay on Translated Verse'' (1684), lines 173–176 * I looked on Virgil as a succinct and grave majestic writer; one who weighed not only every thought, but every word and syllable. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/180.html Preface to ''Sylvae''] (1685) [[File:VirgilDryden1716Vol2.jpg|thumb|He seems to have studied not to be translated.<br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * He seems to have studied not to be translated. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * There is an inimitable grace in Virgil's words, and in them principally consists that beauty which gives so inexpressible a pleasure to him who best understands their force. This diction of his, I must once again say, is never to be copied; and since it cannot, he will appear but lame in the best translation. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) [[File:John Dryden, Poet and Playwright (3959224502).jpg|thumb|Virgil had the gift of expressing much in little, and sometimes in silence.<br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil had the gift of expressing much in little, and sometimes in silence... ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/194.html The Dedication to ''Examen Poeticum''] (1693) [[File:John Dryden portrait painting.jpg|thumb|Virgil is so exact in every word, that none can be changed but for a worse; he pretends sometimes to trip, but it is only to make you think him in danger of a fall when he is most secure.<br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil is so exact in every word, that none can be changed but for a worse; nor any one removed from its place, but the harmony will be altered. He pretends sometimes to trip; but it is only to make you think him in danger of a fall, when he is most secure. ** [[John Dryden]], ''A Parallel Betwixt Poetry and Painting'' (1695) * [Homer's] Fire burns with extraordinary Heat and Vehemence … Virgil's is a clearer and a chaster Flame ... ** [[Richard Blackmore]], Preface to ''King Arthur'' (1697) [[File:John Dryden by Sir Godfrey Kneller, Bt.jpg|thumb|Virgil has a thousand secret beauties. <br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... ** [[John Dryden]], ''[[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|The Works of Virgil]]'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil cannot be said to copy Homer; the Grecian had only the advantage of writing first. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil, above all poets, had a stock, which I may call almost inexhaustible, of figurative, elegant, and sounding words. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * It long has been this sacred author's fate,<br />To lie at ev'ry dull translator's will:<br />Long, long his muse has groan'd beneath the weight<br />Of mangling [[John Ogilby|Ogleby]]'s presumptuous quill. ** [[w:Henry Graham (of Levens)|Henry Grahme]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=pB0-AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA104 To Mr. Dryden, on His Translation of Virgil]'' (1697) * Virgil was of a quiet, sedate temper; Homer was violent, impetuous, and full of fire. The chief talent of Virgil was propriety of thoughts, and ornament of words. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/39/25.html Preface] to ''Fables, Ancient and Modern'' (1700) * I came home a little later than usual the other night; and, not finding myself inclined to sleep, I took up Virgil, to divert me till I should be more disposed to rest. He is the author whom I always choose on such occasions; no one writing in so divine, so harmonious, nor so equal a strain, which leaves the mind composed and softened into an agreeable melancholy; the temper in which, of all others, I choose to close the day. ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''The Spectator'' 514 (20 October 1712) * When first young Maro in his boundless mind<br />A work to outlast immortal Rome designed,<br />Perhaps he seemed above the critic's law,<br />And but from Nature's fountains scorned to draw:<br />But when to examine every part he came,<br />Nature and [[Homer]] were, he found, the same.<br />Convinced, amazed, he checks the bold design,<br />And rules as strict his laboured work confine,<br />As if [[Aristotle|the Stagirite]] o'erlooked each line. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1711), lines 130–138 * This fire is discerned in Virgil, but discerned as through a glass, reflected from Homer, more shining than fierce, but every where equal and constant. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Homer's Iliad]]'' (1715) * The delight of all ages, and the pattern of all poets. ** [[Voltaire]], ''An Essay on Epic Poetry'' (1727) * Virgil loved rural ease, and, far from harm,<br />Maecenas fix'd him in a neat, snug farm,<br />Where he might free from trouble pass his days<br />In his own way, and pay his rent in praise. ** [[Charles Churchill (satirist)|Charles Churchill]], ''Independence'' (<!--September, -->1764) * The warmest admirers of the great Mantuan poet can extol him for little more than the skill with which he has, by making his hero both a traveller and a warrior, united the beauties of the ''Iliad'' and ''Odyssey'' in one composition; yet his judgment was perhaps sometimes overborne by his avarice of the Homeric treasures; and, for fear of suffering a sparkling ornament to be lost, he has inserted it where it cannot shine with its original splendor. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Rambler'', No. 121 (May 14, 1751) * ''Savez-vous le latin, madame? Non; voilà pourquoi vous me demandez si j'aime mieux Pope que Virgile. Ah! madame, toutes nos langues modernes sont sèches, pauvres, et sans harmonie, en comparaison de celles qu'ont parlées nos premiers maîtres, les Grecs et les Romains. Nous ne sommes que des violons de village. Comment voulez-vous d’ailleurs que je compare des épîtres à un poëme épique, aux amours de Didon, à l'embrasement de Troie, à la descente d'Énée aux enfers? Je crois l<nowiki>'</nowiki>''Essai sur l'Homme'', de Pope, le premier des poëmes didactiques, des poëmes philosophiques; mais ne mettons rien à côté de Virgile. Vous le connaissez par les traductions; mais les poëtes ne se traduisent point. Peut-on traduire de la musique? Je vous plains, madame, avec le goût et la sensibilité éclairée que vous avez, de ne pouvoir lire Virgile.'' ** Do you understand Latin, Madam? No; else you would not have asked whether I like [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] better than Virgil. Ah! Madam, all our modern languages are dry, poor, and wholly devoid of harmony, when compared to those which were spoken by our first masters, the Greeks and the Romans: we are merely to be compared to country fiddlers. Besides, how could you expect me to compare epistles to an epic poem, to the love of Dido, the burning of Troy, and the descent of Aeneas into hell? I think Pope's ''[[Essay on Man]]'' is one of the first and best didactic poems; but do not let us place any work upon an equality with Virgil. You are merely acquainted with him in a French dress; but poets cannot bear translating. Can you translate music? I really pity you, Madam, endowed as you are with such an exquisite degree of taste, and of refined sensibility, for not being able to read Virgil. ** [[Voltaire]], letter to [[Marie Anne de Vichy-Chamrond, marquise du Deffand|Madam du Deffand]] (19 May 1754), in ''The Unpublished Correspondence of Madame Du Deffand'', trans. Mary Meeke, Vol. II (1810), pp. 257–258 * I have this year<!-- [1783]--> read all Virgil through. I read a book of the Æneid every night, so it was done in twelve nights, and I had a great delight in it. The Georgicks did not give me so much pleasure, except the fourth book. The Eclogues I have almost all by heart. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], as quoted in ''The Life of Samuel Johnson'' by [[James Boswell]], Vol. II (1791), p. 454 * The principal and distinguishing excellency of Virgil, and which, in my opinion, he possesses beyond all poets, is [[tenderness]]. Nature had endowed him with exquisite sensibility; he felt every affecting circumstance in the scenes he describes; and, by a single stroke, he knows how to reach the heart. ** [[Hugh Blair]], ''Lectures on Rhetoric and Belles Lettres'', Vol. II (1783), Lecture XLIII: 'The Æneid of Virgil', p. 447 * [The] [[w:Pathos|pathetic]] is Virgil's great excellence in the Æneid, and...in that way he surpasses all other poets of every age and nation, except, perhaps (and only perhaps), Shakspeare. It is on that account that I rank him so very high; for surely to excel in that style which speaks to the heart is the greatest of all excellence. ** [[Charles James Fox]], letter to [[Gilbert Wakefield]] (13 April 1801), in ''Correspondence of the late Gilbert Wakefield with the late Charles James Fox'' (1813), p. 192 * That harmonious plagiary and miserable flatterer, whose cursed hexameters were drilled into me at Harrow. ** [[Lord Byron]], letter to Thomas Moore (11 April 1817), in '' Letters and Journals of Lord Byron, with Notices of his Life, by Thomas Moore'' (1830), p. 329 * Virgil's style is an inimitable mixture of the elaborately ornate, and the majestically plain and touching. ** [[William Wordsworth]], letter to Lord Lonsdale (17 February 1819), in ''Letters of the Wordsworth Family from 1787 to 1855'', collected and ed. by W. Knight, Vol. II (1907), p. 123 * Virgil seems to have copied Greek models completely, imitating them slavishly and lifelessly, and so they appear as plagiarisms more or less devoid of spirit. ** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Vorlesungen über die Philosophie der Religion'', ed. W. Jaeschke, Vol. II, p. 402, as reported and quoted in ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014) by Philip Hardie, p. 14 * If you take from Virgil his diction and metre, what do you leave him? ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Table Talk'' (8 May 1824), in ''Specimens of the Table Talk of the late Samuel Taylor Coleridge'', Vol. I (1835), p. 50 * ''O Virgile! ô poète! ô mon maître divin!'' ** Oh Virgil! Oh [[Poets|poet]]! Oh my [[Holiness|divine]] master! ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Voix intérieures'' (1837), VII, 'À Virgile' * It never occurs to me to place him among the Roman poets of the first order. ** [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Barthold Georg Niebuhr]], ''The History of Rome'', Vol. V (1844), p. 79 * Unless one is a moron, one always dies unsure of one's own value and that of one's works. Virgil himself, as he lay dying, wanted the [[Aeneid]] burned. ** [[Gustave Flaubert]], letter to Louise Colet (19 September 1852), in ''The Letters of Gustave Flaubert: 1830–1857'', selected, edited and translated by Francis Steegmuller (1980), p. 170 * ''Le poète de la latinité tout entière.'' ** The poet of the entire Latin world. ** [[Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve]], ''Étude sur Virgile'' (1857), p. 35, as quoted in ''Why Vergil?: A Collection of Interpretations'' (2000), "Homage to Virgil" by Charles Fantazzi, p. 290 [[File:Matthew Arnold.jpg|thumb|The most attractive figure in literary history. <br />—[[Matthew Arnold]]]] * Over the whole of the great poem of Virgil, over the whole Æneid, there rests an ineffable melancholy: not a rigid, a moody gloom, like the melancholy of [[Lucretius]]; no, a sweet, a touching sadness, but still a sadness; a melancholy which is at once a source of charm in the poem, and a testimony to its incompleteness. Virgil, as [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Niebuhr]] has well said, expressed no affected self-disparagement, but the haunting, the irresistible self-dissatisfaction of his heart, when he desired on his deathbed that his poem might be destroyed. A man of the most delicate genius, the most rich learning, but of weak health, of the most sensitive nature, in a great and overwhelming world; conscious, at heart, of his inadequacy for the thorough spiritual mastery of that world and its interpretation in a work of art; conscious of this inadequacy—the one inadequacy, the one weak place in the mighty Roman nature! This suffering, this graceful-minded, this finely-gifted man is the most beautiful, the most attractive figure in literary history; but he is not the adequate interpreter of the great period of Rome. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], "On the Modern Element in Literature" (1857), lecture published in ''On the Classical Tradition'' (1960) ed. by R. H. Super, p. 35 * He writes passionately, because he feels keenly; forcibly, because he conceives vividly; he sees too clearly to be vague; he is too serious to be otiose; he can analyze his subject, and therefore he is rich; he embraces it as a whole and in its parts, and therefore he is consistent; he has a firm hold of it, and therefore he is luminous. When his imagination wells up, it overflows in ornament; when his heart is touched, it thrills along his verse. He always has the right word for the right idea, and never a word too much. If he is brief, it is because few words suffice; when he is lavish of them, still each word has its mark, and aids, not embarrasses, the vigorous march of his elocution. He expresses what all feel, but all cannot say; and his sayings pass into proverbs among his people, and his phrases become household words and idioms of their daily speech, which is tesselated with the rich fragments of his language, as we see in foreign lands the marbles of Roman grandeur worked into the walls and pavements of modern palaces.<br />Such pre-eminently is Shakespeare among ourselves; such pre-eminently Virgil among the Latins; such in their degree are all those writers who in every nation go by the name of Classics. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/24526/24526-h/24526-h.html The Idea of a University]'' (1858) * Virgil imitated Homer, but imitated him as a [[rival]], not as a disciple. ** [[John Conington]], ''P. Vergili Maronis Opera, with a Commentary by John Conington, M.A.'', Vol. II (1863), Introduction, p. 27 * His single words and phrases, his pathetic half-lines giving utterance, are as the voice of Nature herself, to that pain and weariness, yet hope of better things, which is the experience of her children in every time. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''An Essay in Aid of a Grammar of Assent'' (1870) [[File:Biblioteca moreniana, sala stucchi 05 virgilio.JPG|thumb|Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man.<br />—[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]]]] * My lord, you know what Virgil sings—<br />Woman is various and most mutable. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''Queen Mary'' (1875), Act III, scene vi. Cf. ''Aeneid'' 4.569 * Roman Virgil, thou that singest Ilion's lofty temples robed in fire. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 1 * Thou that singest wheat and woodland, tilth and vineyard, hive and horse and herd;<br />All the charm of all the Muses often flowering in a lonely word. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 3 * Thou that seest Universal Nature moved by Universal Mind;<br />Thou majestic in thy sadness at the doubtful doom of human kind. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 6 * Sound for ever of Imperial Rome. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 8 * I salute thee, Mantovano, I that loved thee since my day began,<br />Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 10 * Hundreds of Virgil's lines are for most of us familiar quotations, which linger in our memory, and round which our literary associations cluster and hang, just as religious feeling clings to well-known texts or passages of Scripture. ** [[Charles Bowen, Baron Bowen|Charles Bowen]], Preface to ''Virgil in English Verse'' (1887) * Of all that [Homer] knew he sang, but Virgil could only follow and imitate, with a pale antiquarian interest, the things that were alive for Homer. ** [[Andrew Lang]], letter to Lady Violet Lebas in ''Letters on Literature'' (1892), p. 65 <!-- * He who in the days of yore<br />Sang of pastures, sang of farms,<br />Sang of heroes and their arms,<br />Sang of passion, sang of war. ** Robert Cameron Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) * Then the soul of Virgil seems<br />To awaken from its dreams,<br />To sing again the melodies<br />Of which he often tells,—<br />The music of the birds,<br />The lowing of the herds,<br />The tinkling of the bells. ** R. C. Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) --> * The use which the grammarians made of Vergil is so extensive that, if all the [[w:Manuscripts|MSS.]] of him had been lost, it would be possible from the notices given us by the ancients of the Vergilian poems, and the passages quoted from them by the grammarians alone, to reconstruct practically the whole of the ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'', and the ''Aeneid''. ** [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]], ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 32 * [Virgil] borrows royally from nearly every older master of style. Yet the result, if a mosaic, at least remains clear, beautiful, even harmonious, in its general design and effect. ** [[w:William Cranston Lawton|William Cranston Lawton]], "Virgil" in ''Library of the World's Best Literature'' (1897), p. 15421 * But it is to beauty that, like [[Dante]], one returns as the final fact and feature of his style. Under Virgil's verbal sorcery, Latin becomes a golden language of exquisite richness, veined with a delicate melancholy and wistful reverie upon the abundant travail of life. If his wealth of tremulous pities and mystic dreams do not make true poetry, then poetry was never written. ** John Wight Duff, ''A Literary History of Rome'' (1909), p. 349 * Does [Aeneas] really resemble Odysseus at any point? No—there is no greater difference within the whole compass of ancient literature; and to understand that is to see how absurd are those critics who would dismiss Virgil contemptuously as a mere plagiarist and imitator of Homer. There is no more profound or astonishing originality in all the literature of antiquity than Virgil's; and that precisely because it operates within the limits imposed by the inherited and traditional forms, which it reverently observes. ** [[w:Theodor Haecker|Theodor Haecker]], ''Virgil, Father of the West'' (1934), tr. [[w:Arthur Wesley Wheen|A. W. Wheen]], p. 70 * With Virgil European poetry grows up. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''A Preface to Paradise Lost'' (1942), Chapter 6: "Virgil and the Subject of Secondary Epic" [[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|Our classic, the classic of all Europe, is Virgil.<br />—[[T. S. Eliot]]]] * [Aeneas] is the symbol of Rome; and, as Aeneas is to Rome, so is ancient Rome to Europe. Thus Virgil acquires the centrality of the unique classic; he is at the centre of European civilisation, in a position which no other poet can share or usurp. The Roman Empire and the Latin language were not any empire and any language, but an empire and a language with a unique destiny in relation to ourselves, and the poet in whom that Empire and that language came to consciousness and expression is a poet of unique destiny. [...] No modern language can hope to produce a classic, in the sense in which I have called Virgil a classic. Our classic, '''the classic of all Europe''', is Virgil. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "What is a Classic?" (1944) * I think that he had few illusions and that he saw clearly both sides of every question—the case for the loser as well as the case for the winner. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951), published in ''The Listener'' (13 September 1951) * Virgil, among classical Latin poets or prose writers, is uniquely near to Christianity. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * ...in the sense in which a poet is a philosopher … Virgil is the greatest philosopher of ancient Rome. ...Virgil was, among all authors of classical antiquity, one for whom the world made sense, for whom it had order and dignity, and for whom, as for no one before his time except the Hebrew prophets, history had meaning. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * No, Virgil, no:<br />Not even the first of the Romans can learn<br />His Roman history in the future tense,<br />Not even to serve your political turn;<br />Hindsight as foresight makes no sense. ** [[W. H. Auden]], "Secondary Epic" (1959), opening lines * Why Virgil's poems have for the last two thousand years exercised so great an influence on our Western culture is, paradoxically, because he was a renegade to the true Muse. His pliability; his subservience; his narrowness; his denial of that stubborn imaginative freedom which the true poets who preceded him had prized; his perfect lack of originality, courage, humour, or even animal spirits: these were the negative qualities which first commended him to government circles and have kept him in public favour ever since. [...] Few poets have brought such discredit as Virgil on their sacred calling. ** [[Robert Graves]], "The Virgil Cult" (1961), in ''The Virginia Quarterly Review'', Vol. 38, no. 1 (1962), pp. 13–35; partially quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 14, and in Richard Jenkyns's ''The Legacy of Rome: A New Appraisal'' (1992), p. 142. * Virgil's narrative style...is ''subjective'' or more accurately, ''empathetic-sympathetic''. Virgil not only reads the minds of his characters; he constantly communicates to us his own reactions to them and to their behaviour. ** [[w:Brooks Otis|Brooks Otis]], ''Virgil: A Study in Civilized Poetry'' (1964), p. 88 * Homer is a world; Virgil, a style. ** [[w:Mark Van Doren|Mark Van Doren]], as quoted in Allen Mandelbaum, trans., ''The Aeneid of Virgil'' (1971), p. vi * Like every human being, a poet has to deal with three questions: how, what for, and in the name of what to live. The ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'' and the ''Aeneid'' answer all three, and these answers apply equally to the Emperor and to his subjects, to antiquity as well as to our times. The modern reader may use Virgil in the same way that [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]] used him in his passage through Hell and Purgatory: as a guide. ** [[Joseph Brodsky]], "Virgil: Older than Christianity, a Poet for the New Age", in ''Vogue'' (October 1981), p. 180 * For Virgil all war is mad and one cannot conduct oneself morally on the battlefield. ** K. W Gransden, "War and Peace", in [[w:Harold Bloom|Harold Bloom]]'s ''Virgil's Aeneid'' (1987), p. 143 * Virgil's influence on English literature has been enormous. He was [[Edmund Spenser]]'s constant inspiration for the fanciful beauty of ''[[The Faerie Queene]]''. The ''[[Aeneid]]'' was the model for [[John Milton]]'s ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' not only in epic structure and machinery but also in style and diction. In the English Augustan age, [[John Dryden]] and countless others held that Virgil's poetry had reached the ultimate perfection of form and ethical content. There was some reaction against him in the Romantic period, but the Victorians, such as [[Matthew Arnold]] and [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], rediscovered in full measure that sensitivity and pathos that the Romantics had complained that Virgil lacked. ** ''[[w:Encyclopædia Britannica|Encyclopaedia Britannica]]'', "Virgil" in ''The New Encyclopædia Britannica'' (15th ed., 1993), pp. 500–501 * Virgil is too important to be left to the classicists. ** [[w:Theodore Ziolkowski|Theodore Ziolkowski]], ''Virgil and the Moderns'' (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1993), p. ix * At every step I have seen how impossible it is to translate Virgil, especially his unequaled blend of grandeur and accessibility..., of eloquence and action, heroics and humanity. ** [[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]], "Translator's Postscript" to Virgil, ''The Aeneid'' (New York: Viking, 2006), p. 389 == See also == * [[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|''The Works of Virgil'' (trans. John Dryden)]] == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Wikisource-inline|Author:Virgil}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/verg.html Original texts of Virgil's works at The Latin Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Virgil}} [[Category:Virgil]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] spg5eqia083zaajmgco3670yjx5ez5h 3944333 3944327 2026-05-23T01:16:49Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Virgil */ add images 3944333 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Parco_della_Grotta_di_Posillipo5_(crop).jpg|thumb|right|'''Love conquers all.''']] '''[[w:Virgil|Publius Vergilius Maro]]''' (October 15, 70 BC – September 21, 19 BC), known in English as '''Virgil''' or '''Vergil''', was a [[Rome|Roman]] poet, the [[Authors|author]] of the ''[[Eclogues]]'', the ''[[Georgics]]'' and the ''[[Aeneid]]'', the last being an epic poem of twelve books that became the [[Roman Empire]]'s national epic. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Eclogues|Eclogues]]'' (37 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Eclogues]]''''' * ''Parvis componere magna.'' ** To compare great things with small. ** Book I, line 23 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''O formose puer, nimium ne crede colori.'' ** Trust not too much to that enchanting face;<br />Beauty's a charm, but soon the charm will pass. ** Book II, line 17 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Trahit sua quemque voluptas.'' ** Everyone is dragged on by their favorite pleasure. ** Book II, line 65 * ''Quae te dementia cepit!'' ** What madness has seized you? ** Book II, line 69 [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866207).jpg|thumb|A snake lurks in the grass.]] * ''Nunc omnis ager, nunc omnis parturit arbor;<br />Nunc frondent sylvae, nunc formosissimus annus.'' ** Every field, every tree is now budding; now the woods are green, now the year is at its loveliest. ** Book III, lines 56–57 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Latet anguis in herba.'' ** A snake lurks in the grass. ** Book III, line 93 * ''Magnus ab integro saeclorum nascitur ordo.'' ** The great line of the centuries begins anew. ** Book IV, line 5 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: ''[[w:Novus ordo seclorum|Novus ordo seclorum]]'' ("New order of the ages"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Incipe, parve puer, risu cognoscere matrem.'' ** Begin, baby boy, to recognize your mother with a smile. ** Book IV, line 60 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.''</p>Now I know what [[Love]] is.{{center/e}}]] * ''Nunc scio quid sit Amor.'' ** Now I know what [[Love]] is. ** Book VIII, line 43 (tr. R. C. Trevelyan) * ''Non omnia possumus omnes.'' ** We cannot all do everything. ** Book VIII, line 63 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Carpent tua poma nepotes.'' ** Your descendants shall gather your fruits. ** Book IX, line 50 * ''Omnia fert aetas, animum quoque''. ** [[Time]] bears away all things, even our [[minds]]. ** Book IX, line 51 * ''Cantantes licet usque (minus via laedit) eamus''. ** Let us go [[singing]] as far as we go: the road will be less tedious. ** Book IX, line 64 * ''Omnia vincit Amor; et nos cedamus Amori.'' ** Love conquers all; let us, too, yield to Love! ** Book X, line 69 (tr. Fairclough) ===''[[w:Georgics|Georgics]]'' (29 BC)=== :''Main article: '''[[Georgics]]''''' * ''Audacibus annue coeptis.'' ** Look with favor upon a bold beginning. ** Book I, line 40 * ''Umida<!--Humida?--> solstitia atque hiemes orate serenas,<br />agricolae.'' ** O farmers, pray that your summers be wet and your winters clear. ** Book I, lines 100–101 * ''Ut varias usus meditando extunderet artis<br />paulatim.'' ** [[Practice]] and [[thought]] might gradually forge many an [[art]]. ** Book I, lines 133–134 [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil...]] <!--[[File:Roman harvester, Trier.jpg|thumb|<p>''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint, agricolas!''</p>How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]], are [[farmers]]!]]--> * ''Labor omnia vicit<!--uicit--><br />improbus et duris urgens in rebus egestas.'' ** '''[[Toil]] conquered the world, unrelenting toil''', and [[want]] that pinches when life is hard. ** Book I, lines 145–146 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough). *** Compare: ''[[w:Labor omnia vincit|Labor omnia vincit]]'' ("Work conquers all"), the state motto of [[Oklahoma]]. * ''In primis venerare Deos.'' ** Above all, worship the gods. ** Book I, line 338 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Adeo in teneris consuescere multum est.'' ** So strong is habit in tender years. ** Book II, line 272 (tr. Fairclough) *** Compare: "Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined." [[Alexander Pope]], ''Moral Essays: Epistle I'' (1734), line 150. * ''O fortunatos nimium, sua si bona norint<br />Agricolas, quibus ipsa, procul discordibus armis,<br />Fundit humo facilem victum justissima tellus!'' ** How [[lucky]], if they know their [[happiness]],<br />Are [[farmers]], more than lucky, they for whom,<br />Far from the clash of arms, the earth herself,<br />Most fair in dealing, freely lavishes<br />An easy livelihood. ** Book II, lines 458–460 (tr. L. P. Wilkinson) * ''Rura mihi et rigui placeant in vallibus amnes,<br />Flumina amem sylvasque inglorius.'' ** Let my [[delight]] be the [[Country life|country]], and the running [[streams]] amid the dells—may I love the [[waters]] and the [[woods]], though I be unknown to [[fame]]. ** Book II, lines 485–486 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Lucretius Rome.jpg|thumb|[[Happy]] the [[man]], who, [[studying]] [[nature]]'s [[laws]],<br />Through [[known]] effects can trace the [[secret]] [[cause]].]] [[File:A butterfly feeding on the tears of a turtle in Ecuador.jpg|thumbnail|{{center/s}}Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.{{center/e}}]][[File:KreweNereusInvite1900.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}''Tempus fugit.'' ([[Time]] flies.){{center/e}}]] *''Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.'' ** '''[[Blessed]] is he who has been able to win [[knowledge]] of the causes of things.''' ** Book II, line 490 (tr. H. Rushton Fairclough); homage to [[Lucretius]]. *** [[John Dryden]]'s translation: ***: Happy the man, who, studying nature's laws,<br />Thro' known effects can trace the secret cause. * ''Optima quaeque dies miseris mortalibus aevi<br />Prima fugit; subeunt morbi tristisque senectus<br />Et labor, et durae rapit inclementia mortis.'' ** In youth alone, unhappy mortals live;<br />But, ah! the mighty bliss is fugitive:<br />Discolored sickness, anxious labor, come,<br />And age, and [[death]]'s inexorable doom. ** Book III, lines 66–68 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Amor omnibus idem.'' ** '''Love is lord of all, and is in all the same.''' ** Book III, lines 242–244 (tr. John Dryden). * ''Sed fugit interea, fugit irreparabile<!--inreparabile?--> tempus.'' ** But meanwhile it is flying, irretrievable time is flying. ** Book III, line 284; often quoted as ''tempus fugit'' ('time flies'). *** Compare [[Poor Richard's Almanack|Poor Richard's maxim]] of 1748: "Lost Time is never found again." * ''Alitur vitium, vivitque tegendo.'' ** [[Vice]] thrives and lives by concealment. ** Book III, line 454 * ''Si parva licet componere magnis.'' ** If we may [[compare]] small things with great. ** Book IV, line 176 (tr. Fairclough). Cf. ''Eclogues'' 1.23. * ''Nec morti esse locum.'' ** There is no place for death. ** Book IV, line 226 * ''Fata vocant.'' ** The fates call. ** Book IV, line 496 * ''Illo Vergilium me tempore dulcis alebat<br />Parthenope studiis florentem ignobilis oti.'' ** In those days I, Virgil, was nursed of sweet [[Naples|Parthenope]], and rejoiced in the arts of inglorious ease. ** Book IV, lines 563–564 (tr. Fairclough) === ''[[w:Aeneid|Aeneid]]'' (29–19 BC) === :''Main article: '''[[Aeneid]]''''' ==== Book I ==== [[File:Aeneas' Flight from Troy by Federico Barocci.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Arma virumque cano.''</p>I sing of arms and a man.{{center/e}}]] * ''Arma virumque cano.'' ** '''I sing of arms and a man.''' ** Line 1 * ''Tantaene animis caelestibus irae?'' ** Can such resentment hold the minds of gods? ** Line 11 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''Tantae molis erat Romanam condere gentem!'' ** So hard and huge a task it was to found the Roman people. ** Line 33 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) *''O terque quaterque beati!'' ** O three and four times [[blessed]]! ** Line 95 * ''Apparent rari nantes in gurgite vasto.'' ** Here and there are seen swimmers in the vast abyss. ** Line 118 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Virgil Mosaic Bardo Museum Tunis-cropped 4.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.''</p><p>Some day, perhaps, remembering even this will be a pleasure.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Вергілій. Вікіджерела.png|thumbnail|Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.]] * ''Furor arma ministrat.'' ** Rage supplies arms. ** Line 150 * ''O socii—neque enim ignari sumus ante malorum—<br />O passi graviora, dabit deus his quoque finem.'' ** Friends and companions,<br />Have we not known hard hours before this?<br />My men, who have endured still greater dangers,<br />God will grant us an end to these as well. ** Lines 198–199 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.'' ** Some day, perhaps, [[remembering]] even this<br />Will be a [[pleasure]]. ** Line 203 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Durate, et vosmet rebus servate secundis.'' ** '''Endure, and keep yourselves for days of happiness.''' ** Line 207 (tr. Fairclough); spoken by Aeneas. *** John Dryden's translation: ***: '''[[Endure]] the hardships of your present state,<br />[[Live]], and reserve yourselves for [[better]] [[fate]].''' * ''Dux femina facti.'' ** The leader of the enterprise a [[woman]]. ** Line 364 (tr. Fairclough); of [[w:Dido|Dido]]. * ''Data fata secutus.'' ** Following what is decreed by fate. ** Line 382 * ''Mirabile dictu.'' ** Wonderful to tell. ** Line 439 * ''Sunt hic etiam sua praemia laudi,<br />Sunt [[w:Lacrimae rerum|lacrimae rerum]] et mentem mortalia tangunt.'' ** Even here, merit will have its true reward...<br />even here, '''the world is a world of [[tears]]<br />and the burdens of mortality touch the heart.''' ** Lines 461–462 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:Dido Receiving Aeneas.jpg|thumb|No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy.]] * ''Mens sibi conscia recti.'' ** A mind conscious of its own rectitude. ** Line 604 * ''Semper honos nomenque tuum laudesque manebunt.'' ** Your honor, your name, your praise will live forever. ** Line 609 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Non ignara mali miseris succurrere disco.'' ** No stranger to trouble myself I am learning to care for the unhappy. ** Line 630, as translated in ''The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' (1999)<!--, p. 793-->; spoken by Dido. ==== Book II ==== *''Infandum, regina, jubes<!--iubes?--> renovare dolorem.'' ** Sorrow too deep to tell, your majesty,<br />You order me to feel and tell once more. ** Line 3 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald); these are the opening words of Aeneas's narrative about the fall of Troy, addressed to Queen Dido of Carthage. * ''Quis talia fando<br />Temperet a lacrimis?'' ** Who could tell such things and still refrain from [[tears]]? ** Lines 6 and 8 (tr. Fagles) [[File:Giovanni Domenico Tipeolo, Procession of the Trojan Horse in Troy, 1760.jpg|thumb|Do not trust the [[horse]], Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring [[gifts]].]] * ''Equo ne credite, Teucri.<br />quidquid id est, [[w:Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes|timeo Danaos et dona ferentes]].'' ** '''Do not trust the horse, Trojans.<br />Whatever it is, I fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts.''' ** Lines 48–49; Trojan priest of Apollo warning against the [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]] left by the Greeks. * ''In utrumque paratus.'' ** Prepared for either alternative. ** Line 61 * ''Ab uno disce omnes.'' ** From one learn all. ** Lines 65–66 (tr. Fairclough) *''Horresco referens.'' ** I shudder as I tell the tale. ** Line 204 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Tacitae per amica silentia lunae.'' ** Amid the friendly [[silence]] of the peaceful moon. ** Line 255 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Quantum mutatus ab illo.'' ** How [[changed]] from what he once was! ** Line 274 * ''Arrectis auribus adsto<!--asto?-->.'' ** I wait with listening ears. ** Line 303 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Venit summa dies et ineluctabile tempus<br />Dardaniae.'' ** It is come—the last day and inevitable hour for Troy. ** Lines 324–325 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.'' ** The only hope for the doomed is no hope at all. ** Line 354. Variant translation: The only safe course for the defeated is to expect no safety. * ''Dis<!--Diis?--> aliter visum.'' ** The [[gods]] thought otherwise. ** Line 428 * ''Fit via vi.'' ** Force finds a way. ** Line 494 (tr. Fairclough) ==== Book III ==== [[File:Bauer - Polydorus Polymnestor cropped.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Auri sacra fames!''</p>Accursed hunger for [[gold]]!{{center/e}}]] * ''Quid non mortalia pectora cogis,<br />Auri sacra fames?'' ** To what extremes won't you compel our hearts,<br />you accursed lust for gold? ** Lines 56–57 (tr. Robert Fagles); the murder of [[w:Polydorus (son of Priam)|Polydorus]]. * ''Fama volat.'' ** Rumor flies. ** Line 121 (tr. Fagles) * ''Monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum.'' ** An awful misshapen monster, huge, his eyelight lost. ** Line 658 (tr. Mandelbaum); of [[w:Polyphemus|Polyphemus]]. ==== Book IV ==== [[File:Karel Škréta - Dido a Aeneas (1670).jpg|thumbnail|Who can deceive a lover?]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|I sail for Italy not of my own free will.]] * ''Degeneres animos timor arguit.'' ** [[Fear]] is the proof of a degenerate mind. ** Line 13 * ''Agnosco veteris vestigia flammae.'' ** I feel once more the scars of the old [[flame]]. ** Line 23 (tr. C. Day Lewis); Dido acknowledging her love for Aeneas. * ''Fama, malum qua non aliud velocius ullum.'' ** [[Rumor]], swiftest of all the evils in the world. ** Line 174 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Quis fallere possit amantem?'' ** Who can deceive a lover? ** Line 296 * ''Numquam, regina, negabo<br />Promeritam, nec me meminisse pigebit Elissae<br />Dum memor ipse mei, dum spiritus hos regit artus.'' ** I shall never deny what you deserve, my queen,<br />never regret my [[memories]] of Dido, not while I<br />can recall myself and draw the breath of life. ** Lines 334–336 (tr. Fagles); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Italiam non sponte sequor.'' ** I sail for Italy not of my own free will. ** Line 361 (tr. Fitzgerald); Aeneas to Dido. * ''Improbe Amor, quid non mortalia pectora cogis!'' ** Unconscionable Love,<br />To what extremes will you not drive our hearts! ** Line 412 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Σχέτλι᾽ Ἔρως, μέγα πῆμα, μέγα στύγος ἀνθρώποισιν,<br />ἐκ σέθεν οὐλόμεναί τ᾽ ἔριδες στοναχαί τε γόοι τε,<br />ἄλγεά τ᾽ ἄλλ᾽ ἐπὶ τοῖσιν ἀπείρονα τετρήχασιν. **** Unconscionable Love, bane and tormentor of mankind, parent of strife, fountain of tears, source of a thousand ills. **** [[Apollonius of Rhodes]], ''Argonautica'', IV, 445–447 (tr. E. V. Rieu) * ''Fata obstant.'' ** Fate withstands. ** Line 440 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Varium et mutabile semper<br />Femina.'' ** '''Fickle and changeable always is woman.''' ** Lines 569–570 [[File:Death Dido Cayot Louvre MR1780.jpg|thumb|I shall die unavenged,<br />but I shall die.]] * ''Exoriare aliquis nostris ex ossibus ultor.'' ** Let someone arise from my bones as an Avenger. ** Line 625 * ''Vixi, et, quem dederat cursum Fortuna, peregi;<br />Et nunc magna mei sub terras ibit Imago.'' ** I have lived<br />and journeyed through the course assigned by fortune.<br />And now my Shade will pass, illustrious,<br />beneath the earth. ** Lines 653–654 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) * ''‘Moriemur inultae,<br />Sed moriamur’ ait. ‘sic, sic juvat ire sub umbras.’'' ** "I shall die unavenged, but I shall die,"<br />she says. "Thus, thus, I gladly go below<br />to shadows." ** Lines 659–660 (tr. Allen Mandelbaum) ==== Book V ==== * ''Furens quid Femina possit.'' ** What a woman can do in frenzy. ** Line 6 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Litus ama.'' ** Hug the shore. ** Line 163 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Giusto di gand e pedro berruguete, virgilio.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Possunt, quia posse videntur.''</p>{{center/e}}<p>They [[Ability|can]] because they [[think]] they can.</p>]] * ''Possunt, quia posse videntur''. ** '''They can because they think they can.''' ** Line 231 (tr. John Conington) * ''Decus et tutamen''. ** An ornament and a safeguard. ** Line 262; inscription on some [[w:One pound (British coin)|British one-pound coins]] up until 2015. The line was suggested by [[John Evelyn]] for the edge legend on the new milled coinage of [[Charles II of England]] from 1662 on to discourage clipping. He had seen it on the edge of a mirror belonging to [[Cardinal Richelieu]] (recorded in his book ''Numismata'' in 1697). The suggestion was adopted. * ''Cede Deo.'' ** Yield to [[God]]. ** Line 467 <!--[[File:Virgilio.png|thumb|Every misfortune is to be subdued by patience.]]--> * ''Superanda omnis fortuna ferendo est.'' ** '''Every [[misfortune]] is to be subdued by [[patience]].''' ** Line 710 ==== Book VI ==== * ''Bella, horrida bella.'' ** [[Wars]], horrid wars. ** Line 86 * ''Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito.'' ** '''Yield not to misfortunes, but advance all the more boldly against them.''' ** Line 95 * ''Obscuris vera involvens.'' ** Wrapping truth in darkness. ** Line 100 (tr. Fairclough) [[File:Aeneas and the Sibyl - Google Art Project.jpg|268px|thumb|right|The gates of hell are open night and day;<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.]] * ''Facilis descensus [[w:Lake Avernus|Averno]]<br />Noctes atque dies patet atri ianua [[w:Dis Pater|Ditis]];<br />Sed revocare gradum superasque evadere ad auras,<br />Hoc opus, hic labor est.'' ** '''The gates of [[hell]] are open [[night]] and [[day]];<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.''' ** Lines 126–129 (as translated by [[John Dryden]]) *** Variant translation: ***: It is easy to go down into Hell;<br />Night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide;<br />But to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air—<br />There's the rub, the task. *** Compare: **** Long is the way<br />And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'', Book II, line 432 * ''Fidus Achates.'' ** Faithful [[w:Achates|Achates]]. ** Line 158; phrase often applied to a friend or relative who remains faithful at all events—Achates was Aeneas' most faithful friend. * ''Procul, O procul este, profani!'' ** Away, away, unhallowed ones! ** Line 258 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Nunc animis opus, Aenea, nunc pectore firmo.'' ** Now, Aeneas, is the hour for courage, now for a dauntless heart! ** Line 261 (tr. Fairclough); Sibyl's words to Aeneas as they enter the underworld. * ''Di, quibus imperium est animarum, umbraeque silentes,<br />Et Chaos, et Phlegethon, loca nocte tacentia late,<br />Sit mihi fas audita loqui: sit numine vestro<br />Pandere res alta terra et caligine mersas.'' ** Ye realms, yet unrevealed to human sight,<br />Ye gods who rule the regions of the night,<br />Ye gliding ghosts, permit me to relate<br />The mystic wonders of your silent state! ** Lines 264–267 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Ibant obscuri sola sub nocte per umbram,<br />Perque domos Ditis vacuas et inania regna.'' ** Obscure they went through dreary shades, that led<br />Along the waste dominions of the dead. ** Lines 268–269 (tr. John Dryden) * ''Malesuada Fames.'' ** [[Hunger]] that persuades to evil. ** Line 276 * ''Consanguineus Leti Sopor.'' ** [[Death]]'s own brother [[Sleep]]. ** Line 278 (tr. Fairclough) * ''Stabant orantes primi transmittere cursum<br />Tendebantque manus ripae ulterioris amore.'' ** There all stood begging to be first across<br />And reached out longing hands to the far shore. ** Lines 313–314 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Desine fata deum flecti sperare precando.'' ** Cease to think that the decrees of the gods can be changed by prayers. ** Line 376 * ''Discite justitiam moniti et non temnere divos.'' ** '''Be warned; [[learn]] ye to be [[just]] and not to slight the [[gods]]!''' ** Line 620 (H. Rushton Fairclough) * ''Vendidit hic auro patriam.'' ** This man sold his country for gold. ** Line 621 * ''Non, mihi si linguae centum sunt oraque centum<br />Ferrea vox, omnis scelerum comprendere formas,<br />Omnia poenarum percurrere nomina possim.'' ** Nay, had I a hundred tongues, a hundred mouths, and voice of iron, I could not sum up all the forms of crime, or rehearse all the tale of torments. ** Lines 625–627 (tr. H. R. Fairclough); the punishments of the Inferno. * ''Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes.'' ** They who bettered life on earth by new-found mastery. ** Line 663 (tr. William Morris); the blessed in [[w:Elysium|Elysium]]. A paraphrase of this is inscribed on the [[w:Nobel prize|Nobel prize]] medals for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, and Literature: ''Inventas vitam juvat excoluisse per artes'' ("inventions enhance life which is beautified through art"). [[File:Vergilius.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Mens agitat molem.''</p><p>Mind moves matter.</p>{{center/e}}]] [[File:Ubeleski Aeneas and Anchises.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud.]] * ''Mens agitat molem.'' ** Mind moves matter. ** Line 727 [[File:Anchises.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Quisque suos patimur manis.''</p><p>Each of us bears his own Hell.</p>{{center/e}}]] * ''Quisque suos patimur manis.'' ** '''Each of us bears his own Hell.''' ** Line 743<!--. Compare: "For every man shall bear his own burden." [[w:Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]] 6:5 (KJV).--> * ''Te tua fata docebo.'' ** I will teach you your destiny. ** Line 759 (tr. Stanley Lombardo) * ''Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento<br />(Hae tibi erunt artes), pacique imponere morem,<br />Parcere subjectis et debellare superbos.'' ** Roman, remember by your strength to rule<br />Earth's people—for your arts are to be these:<br />To pacify, to impose the rule of law,<br />To spare the conquered, battle down the proud. ** Lines 851–853 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Tu Marcellus eris.'' ** You will be [[w:Marcus Claudius Marcellus (Julio-Claudian dynasty)|Marcellus]]. ** Line 883 * ''Manibus date lilia plenis.'' ** Give [[lilies]] with full hands. ** Line 883 * ''Sunt geminae Somni portae, quarum altera fertur<br />Cornea, qua veris facilis datur exitus umbris,<br />Altera candenti perfecta nitens elephanto,<br />Sed falsa ad caelum mittunt insomnia Manes.'' ** There are twin Gates of Sleep.<br />One, they say, is called the Gate of Horn<br />and it offers easy passage to all true shades.<br />The other glistens with ivory, radiant, flawless,<br />but through it the dead send false dreams up toward the sky. ** Lines 893–896 (tr. Fagles); the [[w:Gates of horn and ivory|gates of horn and ivory]]. ==== Book VII ==== [[File:Aeneid, Book I; (1886) (14783231252).jpg|thumb|If I cannot sway the [[heavens]], I'll wake the [[powers]] of [[hell]]!]] * ''Major rerum mihi nascitur ordo; <br />Majus opus moveo.'' ** A greater history opens before my eyes,<br />A greater task awaits me. ** Lines 44–45 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) * ''Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo<!--mouebo?-->.'' ** If I cannot sway the heavens, I'll wake the powers of hell! ** Line 312 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Juno. *** Variant translation: ***: If I am unable to make the gods above relent, I shall move Hell. *** Compare: **** Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven. ***** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667), Book I, line 263 **** If Heaven thou can'st not bend, Hell thou shalt move. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad]]'', Book III, line 307 ==== Book VIII ==== * ''Pedibus timor addidit alas.'' ** Fear gave wings to his feet. ** Line 224 (tr. C. Day Lewis) * ''Arte magistra.'' ** By the aid of art. ** Line 442; cf. 12.427. * ''O mihi praeteritos referat si Iuppiter annos.'' ** If only Jupiter would give me back<br />The past years and the man I was... ** Line 560 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book IX ==== [[File:Nisos Euryalos Louvre LL450 n2.jpg|thumb|Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a poppy<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain.]] * ''Dine hunc ardorem mentibus addunt,<br />Euryale, an sua cuique deus fit dira cupido?'' ** Do the gods light this fire in our hearts<br />or does each man's mad desire become his god? ** Lines 184–185 (tr. Fagles) * ''Nequeam lacrimas perferre parentis.'' ** I cannot bear a mother's tears. ** Line 289 * ''Volvitur Euryalus leto, pulchrosque per artus<br />It cruor inque umeros cervix conlapsa recumbit:<br />Purpureus veluti cum flos succisus aratro<br />Languescit moriens; lassove papavera collo<br />Demisere caput, pluvia cum forte gravantur.'' ** Euryalus<br />In death went reeling down,<br />And blood streamed on his handsome length, his neck<br />Collapsing let his head fall on his shoulder—<br />As a bright flower cut by a passing plow<br />Will droop and wither slowly, or a [[poppy]]<br />Bow its head upon its tired stalk<br />When overborne by a passing rain. ** Lines 433–437 (tr. Fitzgerald) ** Compare: *** Μήκων δ' ὡς ἑτέρωσε κάρη βάλεν, ἥ τ' ἐνὶ κήπῳ<br />καρπῷ βριθομένη νοτίῃσί τε εἰαρινῇσιν,<br />ὣς ἑτέρωσ' ἤμυσε κάρη πήληκι βαρυνθέν. **** He bent drooping his head to one side, as a garden poppy<br />bends beneath the weight of its yield and the rains of springtime;<br />so his head bent slack to one side beneath the helm's weight. **** [[Homer]], ''Iliad'', VIII, 306–308 (tr. R. Lattimore) [[File:P051514PS-0299 (14565228313).jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo.''</p><p>"No day shall erase you from the memory of time"</p>([[w:National September 11 Memorial & Museum|9/11 Memorial Museum]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Fortunati ambo! si quid mea carmina possunt, <br />Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo,<br />Dum domus Aeneae Capitoli immobile saxum<br />Accolet imperiumque pater Romanus habebit.'' ** How fortunate, [[w:Nisus and Euryalus|both]] at once!<br />If my songs have any power, the day will never dawn<br />that wipes you from the memory of the ages, not while<br />the house of Aeneas stands by the Capitol's rock unshaken,<br />not while the Roman Father rules the world. ** Lines 446–449 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Iuppiter omnipotens, audacibus adnue coeptis.'' ** Jove almighty,<br />nod assent to the daring work I have in hand! ** Line 625 (tr. Fagles) *** Compare: ''[[w:Annuit cœptis|Annuit cœptis]]'' ("[God] has favored our undertaking"), motto on the reverse side of the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Macte nova virtute, puer, sic itur ad astra.'' ** [[Blessings]] on your young [[courage]], boy; that's the way to the [[stars]]. ** Line 641 ==== Book X ==== * ''Fata viam invenient.'' ** '''Fate will find a way.''' ** Line 113 [[File:Turnus.jpg|thumb|[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].]] * ''Audentes<!--Audentis?--> fortuna iuvat.'' ** '''[[Fortune]] favors the [[bold]].''' ** Line 284 ** Variant translations: *** Fortune favors the brave. *** Fortune helps the daring. *** Fortune sides with him who dares. ** Compare: *** ''Fortibus est fortuna viris data.'' **** Fortune is given to brave men. **** [[Ennius]], ''Annales'', 257 * ''Stat sua cuique dies, breve et inreparabile tempus<br />Omnibus est vitae; sed famam extendere factis,<br />Hoc virtutis opus.'' ** Every man's last day is fixed.<br />Lifetimes are brief and not to be regained,<br />For all mankind. But by their deeds to make<br />Their fame last: that is labor for the brave. ** Lines 467–469 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) ==== Book XI ==== * ''Experto credite''. ** Trust the expert. ** Line 283; cf. "[[w:Experto crede|experto crede]]". ** Variant translations: *** Trust one who has gone through it. *** Believe one who has had [[experience]]. * ''Spes sibi quisque.'' ** Each one his own hope. ** Line 30<!--. Compare: "Ech man for hymself." [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''The Canterbury Tales'', 'The Knight's Tale', line 1182--> * ''Nulla salus bello.'' ** There is no salvation in war. ** Line 362 (tr. L. R. Lind) ==== Book XII ==== [[File:Aeneas Latium BM GR1927.12-12.1.jpg|thumb|upright=1.3|Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others.]] * ''Aegrescitque medendo.'' ** The attempts to heal enflame the fever more. ** Line 46 (tr. Fagles) * ''Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.'' ** Who knows?<br />Better times may come to those in pain. ** Line 153 (tr. Fagles) * ''Disce, puer, virtutem ex me verumque laborem,<br />Fortunam ex aliis.'' ** Learn fortitude and toil from me, my son,<br />Ache of true toil. Good fortune learn from others. ** Lines 435–436 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) [[File:Aeneas and Turnus.jpg|thumb|upright=1.2|Go no further down the road of hatred.]] * ''Usque adeone mori miserum est?'' ** Is it then so sad a thing to die? ** Line 646 (tr. Alexander Thomson) * ''Ulterius ne tende odiis.'' ** Go no further down the road of hatred. ** Line 938 (tr. Robert Fagles); Turnus asking Aeneas for mercy. * ''Vitaque cum gemitu fugit indignata sub umbras.'' ** And with a groan for that indignity<br />His spirit fled into the gloom below. ** Line 952 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald) {{Disputed begin}} == Attributed == * ''Ille ego, qui quondam gracili modulatus avena<br />Carmen, et egressus silvis vicina coegi<br />Ut quamvis avido parerent arva colono,<br />Gratum opus agricolis, at nunc horrentia Martis<!--<br />Arma virumque cano--> ...'' ** I am the poet who once tuned his song<br />On a slender reed and then leaving the woods<br />Compelled the fields to obey the hungry farmer,<br />A pleasing work. But now War's grim and savage<!--<br />Arms I sing—and a man--> ... ** Spurious opening lines of the ''Aeneid'' (tr. Stanley Lombardo), not found in the earliest manuscripts. Attributed to Virgil on the authority of "the grammarian Nisus", who claimed to have "heard from older men" that [[w:Lucius Varius Rufus|Varius]] had "emended the beginning of the first book by striking out" the four introductory lines, as reported in [[Suetonius]]' [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Life of Vergil''], 42 (Loeb translation). [[John Conington]], in his ''Commentary on Vergil's Aeneid'', remarks: "The external evidence of such a story it is impossible to estimate, but its existence suspiciously indicates that the lines were felt to require apology" (Vol. II, p. 30). * ''Facilius esse Herculi clavam quam Homero versum subripere.'' ** It is easier to steal the club of Hercules than a line from [[Homer]]. ** As quoted by [[w:Asconius Pedianus|Asconius Pedianus]], and reported in [[Suetonius]]-[[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]], [http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/L/Roman/Texts/Suetonius/de_Poetis/Vergil*.html ''Vita Vergili''] (''Life of Virgil''), [http://virgil.org/vitae/ 46]. * ''Hos ego versiculos feci, tulit alter honores.'' ** I made these little verses, another took the honor. ** Epigram attributed to Virgil in [[w:Aelius Donatus|Donatus]]' ''Life of Virgil''. [[File:Vergil tomb inscription.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.''</p>I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders.{{center/e}}]] * ''Mors aurem vellens, "vivite," ait, "venio."'' ** '''Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says. "I am coming."''' ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Copa'' 38. * ''Color est e pluribus unus.'' ** Many colors blend into one. ** ''[[w:Appendix Vergiliana|Appendix Virgiliana]]'', ''Moretum'' 102. *** Compare: ''[[w:E pluribus unum|E pluribus unum]]'' ("Out of many, one"), motto on the [[w:Great Seal of the United States|Great Seal of the United States]]. * ''Cecini pascua, rura, duces.'' ** I sang of pastures, farms, and commanders. ** Inscription on Virgil's tomb in Naples (tr. Bernard Knox). {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ''Minuit praesentia famam.'' ** '''Presence diminishes fame.''' ** [[Claudian]], ''De Bello Gildonico'', 385 ** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in an "undoubtedly spurious Italian epistle sometimes printed in <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Dante Alighieri|Dante]]'s] works". ([[w:Edward Moore (scholar)|Edward Moore]], ''Studies in Dante'' [1896], footnote on p. 240.) * Let fraud supply the want of force in war. ** From Book II of [[John Dryden|Dryden]]'s ''Aeneid''; no exact Latin equivalent exists in Virgil's work, but compare: "''Dolus, an virtus, quis in hoste requirat?''" (''Aeneid'' 2.390). * ''Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat inchoare longam.'' ** '''Life's short span forbids us to enter on far reaching hopes.''' ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iv, line 15 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 233--> * ''Virginibus puerisque canto.'' ** I sing for maidens and boys. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode i, line 4 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 231--> * ''Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam,<br />Maiorumque fames.'' ** As [[money]] grows, care follows it and the [[hunger]] for more. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book III, ode xvi, lines 17–18 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 51--> * ''Interdum volgus rectum videt, est ubi peccat.'' ** At times the world sees straight, but many times the world goes astray. ** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', Book II, epistle i, line 63 <!--** Wrongly attributed to Virgil in Branyon's ''Latin Phrases and Quotations'' (1997), p. 112--> [[File:The noblest motive is the public good - Jefferson Building - Library of Congress.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}"The noblest motive is the public good." ([[w:Library of Congress|Library of Congress]]){{center/e}}]] * ''Vincit amor patriae.'' ** '''The noblest motive is the public good.''' ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''[[w:The Spectator (1711)|The Spectator]]''. Compare ''Aeneid'' 6.823: ''Vincet amor patriae'' ("Love of country shall prevail"). ** "In ''The City of God'' Augustine quoted the line but changed the verb from the future to the present tense (''vincet'' › ''vincit''). That form became a traditional quotation, often reprinted and reproduced on medals, monuments, and family crests. [...] "Vincit amor patriae" appeared at the head of ''Spectator'' no. 200 (October 19, 1711) without translation. The essays from the ''Spectator'' were published and republished as books as early as 1713. To assist readers who lacked Latin or Greek, the editors of the 1744 edition provided English translations for its epigraphs; to "Vincit amor patriae" was added "The noblest Motive is the Publick Good." It stuck. The translation was modernized and made its way into innumerable texts and onto public buildings. It is inscribed on the ceiling of the south corridor of the Library of Congress and attributed to Virgil. A mistranslation became a quotation." —Willis Goth Regier, ''Quotology'' (2010), pp. 40–41. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Virgil == [[File:Quintus Horatius Flaccus.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}Half of my [[soul]]. <br />—[[Horace]]{{center/e}}]] * ''Animae dimidium meae.'' ** Half of my soul. ** [[Horace]], ''Odes'', Book I, ode iii, line 8 * ''Vergilium vidi tantum.'' ** Virgil I only saw. ** [[Ovid]], ''[[w:Tristia|Tristia]]'' ["Sorrows"], IV, x, 51 * ''Ideoque optime institutum est ut ab Homero atque Vergilio lectio inciperet, quamquam ad intellegendas eorum virtutes firmiore iudicio opus est: sed huic rei superest tempus, neque enim semel legentur.'' ** It is therefore an admirable practice which now prevails, to begin by reading [[Homer]] and Vergil, although the intelligence needs to be further developed for the full appreciation of their merits: but there is plenty of time for that since the boy will read them more than once. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'' (c. 95 AD), I, viii, 5 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Vtar enim verbis isdem quae ex Afro Domitio iuvenis excepi, qui mihi interroganti quem Homero crederet maxime accedere "secundus" inquit "est Vergilius, propior tamen primo quam tertio". Et hercule ut illi naturae caelesti atque inmortali cesserimus, ita curae et diligentiae vel ideo in hoc plus est, quod ei fuit magis laborandum, et quantum eminentibus vincimur, fortasse aequalitate pensamus. Ceteri omnes longe sequentur.'' ** I will repeat the words which I heard [[w:Domitius Afer|Domitius Afer]] use in my young days. I asked what poet in his opinion came nearest to Homer, and he replied, "Virgil came nearest to Homer, but is nearer first than third." And in truth, although we must needs bow before the immortal and superhuman genius of Homer, there is greater diligence and exactness in the work of Virgil just because his task was harder. And perhaps the superior uniformity of the Roman's excellence balances Homer's pre-eminence in his outstanding passages. ** [[Quintilian]], ''[[w:Institutio Oratoria|Institutio Oratoria]]'', X, i, 86 (tr. H. E. Butler) * ''Corpore et statura fuit grandi, aquilo colore, facie rusticana, valetudine varia; nam plerumque a stomacho et a faucibus ac dolore capitis laborabat, sanguinem etiam saepe reiecit. Cibi vinique minimi; libidinis in pueros pronioris... Vulgatum est consuesse eum et cum Plotia Hieria. ... Cetera sane vitae et ore et animo tam probum constat, ut Neapoli Parthenias vulgo appellatus sit, ac si quando Romae, quo rarissime commeabat, viseretur in publico, sectantis demonstrantisque se subterfugeret in proximum tectum. '' ** He [Virgil] was tall and of full habit, with a dark complexion and a rustic appearance. His health was variable; for he very often suffered from stomach and throat troubles, as well as with headache; and he also had frequent haemorrhages. He ate and drank but little. He was especially given to passions for boys... It is common report that he also had an intrigue with Plotia Hieria. ... Certain it is that for the rest of his life he was so [[modest]] in speech and thought, that at Naples he was commonly called "Parthenias" ("The Maiden"), and that whenever he appeared in public in Rome, where he very rarely went, he would take refuge in the nearest house, to avoid those who followed and pointed him out. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 8–11, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by [[w:John Carew Rolfe|J. C. Rolfe]]'', Vol. II (1914), p. 467 * ''"Bucolica" triennio, "Georgica" VII, "Aeneida" XI perfecit annis.'' ** The "[[Bucolics]]" he finished in three years, the "[[Georgics]]" in seven, the "[[Aeneid]]" in twelve. ** [[Suetonius]], ''Vita Vergili'' 25, in ''Suetonius, with an English translation by J. C. Rolfe'', Vol. II (1914), p. 473 * [[Plato]] of [[Poets]]. ** [[w:Alexander Severus|Alexander Severus]], as quoted in [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]]'s ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 48 * ''Facundia Mantuani multiplex et multiformis est et dicendi genus omne complectitur.'' ** The Mantuan's eloquence is many-sided and diverse, embracing every style. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'' (c. 400), V, i, 4 (Loeb translation) * ''Decem Rhetorum, qui apud Athenas Atticas floruerunt, stylos inter se diversos hunc unum permiscuisse.'' ** He combined, all by himself, the divergent styles of the ten orators who flourished in the Athens of Attica. ** [[Macrobius]], ''Saturnalia'', V, i, 20 (Loeb translation) * ''Intentio Vergilii haec est, Homerum imitari et Augustum laudare a parentibus.'' ** Virgil's intention is to imitate Homer and to praise [[Augustus]] by means of his ancestors. ** [[w:Servius the Grammarian|Servius the Grammarian]], introductory note to his ''Commentary on Virgil's Aeneid'' (c. 400–420), as quoted in ''Antichthon'', Vol. I (1967 ), p. 29 * Καὶ φίλος Αὐσονίοισι λιγύθροος ἔπρεπε κύκνος <br> πνείων εὐεπίης Βεργίλλιος, ὅν ποτε Ῥώμης <br> Θυμβριὰς ἄλλον Ὅμηρον ἀνέτρεφε πάτριος Ηχώ. ** And he stood forth—the clear-voiced swan dear to the Italians, Virgil breathing eloquence, whom his native Echo of Tiber nourished to be another Homer. ** [[w:Christodoros of Thebes|Christodoros of Thebes]], "description of the statues in the public gymnasium called Zeuxippos", ''[[Greek Anthology]]'', II (tr. [[w:William Roger Paton|W. R. Paton]], 1916) * ''Nempe apud Vergilium, quem propterea paruuli legunt, ut uidelicet poeta magnus omniumque praeclarissimus atque optimus teneris ebibitus animis non facile obliuione possit aboleri...'' ** Virgil certainly is held to be a great poet; in fact he is regarded as the best and the most renowned of all poets, and for that reason he is read by children at an early age—they take great draughts of his poetry into their unformed minds, so that they may not easily forget him. ** [[Augustine of Hippo]], ''[[w:The City of God (book)|The City of God]]'' (c. 410), Book I, Chapter 3 (tr. [[w:Henry S. Bettenson|Henry Bettenson]]) * ''Divinus poeta noster.'' ** Our divine poet. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[w:De Monarchia|De Monarchia]]'' (c. 1313), II, iii, 6. * ''Or se' tu quel Virgilio e quella fonte<br />che spandi di parlar sì largo fiume?'' ** Now, art thou that Virgilius and that fountain<br />Which spreads abroad so wide a river of speech? ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[s:The Divine Comedy|The Divine Comedy]]'' (c. 1321), Inferno, I, 79–80 (tr. [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Longfellow]]) [[File:Dante Luca.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}<p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore.''</p>You are my master and my author.<br />—[[Dante Alighieri]]{{center/e}}]] *<p>''O de li altri poeti onore e lume,<br />vagliami 'l lungo studio e 'l grande amore<br />che m'ha fatto cercar lo tuo volume.''</p>''Tu se' lo mio maestro e 'l mio autore, <br />tu se' solo colui da cu' io tolsi <br />lo bello stilo che m'ha fatto onore.'' ** <p>O, of the other poets honour and light,<br />Avail me the long study and great love<br />That have impelled me to explore thy volume!</p>Thou art my master, and my author thou,<br />Thou art alone the one from whom I took<br />The beautiful style that has done honour to me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, I, 82–87 (tr. Longfellow) * ''O anima cortese mantoana<br />Di cui la fama ancor nel mondo dura,<br />E durera quanto 'l moto lontana.'' ** O spirit courteous of [[w:Mantua|Mantua]],<br />Of whom the fame still in the world endures,<br />And shall endure, long-lasting as the world. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 58–60 (tr. Longfellow) * ''Tu duca, tu signore e tu maestro.'' ** You are my guide, you are my lord and teacher. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Inferno, II, 140 (tr. Mark Musa) * ''O gloria di Latin, disse, per cui<br />mostrò ciò che potea la lingua nostra...'' ** "O glory of the Latin race," [[w:Sordello|he]] said, "by whom our language showed forth all its power..." ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, VII, 16–17 (tr. Carlyle-Wicksteed) * ''Ma Virgilio n'avea lasciati scemi<br /> di sé, Virgilio, dolcissimo patre,<br /> Virgilio a cui per mia salute die'mi.'' ** But us Virgilius of himself deprived<br />Had left, Virgilius, sweetest of all fathers,<br />Virgilius, to whom I for safety gave me. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''The Divine Comedy'', Purgatorio, XXX, 49–51 (tr. Longfellow) * ''For thou shalt, by thyn owene experience,<br />Konne in a chayer rede of this sentence<br />Bet than Virgile, while he was on lyve.'' ** For thou shalt, by thine own experience,<br />Conne in a chair read of this sentence<br />Better than Virgil, while he was alive. ** [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''[[w:The Canterbury Tales|The Canterbury Tales]]'' (c. 1390), [[s:The Canterbury Tales/The Friar's Prologue and Tale|Friar's Tale]], III.1517–1519 * ''Quem te, inquit, reddidissem,<br />Si te vivum invenissem,<br />Poetarum maxime!'' ** What a man I should have made of you if I had met you in your life, greatest of poets! ** [[Anonymous]] poet at Paris in the twelfth or thirteenth century, describing how [[Paul of Tarsus]], upon visiting the tomb of Virgil at Naples, according to legend, "shed tears of regret at the thought that the poet had not lived at a time when he might have been converted by the Apostle", as reported in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 127, ''A History of Classical Scholarship'' (1903) by [[w:John Sandys (classicist)|John Sandys]], p. 611, and ''The Oxford Companion to Classical Literature'' (2013), ed. M. C. Howatson, p. 592 * Nothing in short was omitted by that godlike man. Only fools would want to add anything; only insolent men to change anything. Sentences, numbers, figures, simplicity, candor, ornaments, nature, art, learning—all is incomparable, or, in a word—Virgilian. ... Let the cravens who contend that the free genius and taste of divine Virgil were prisoners of Homer's inventions hold their peace. It was not thus. The arguments of Homer which nature proposed to him were corrected by Virgil as a schoolboy's theme by his professor. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in "Life of Julius Caesar Scaliger (1484–1558)" by Vernon Hall, Jr. — ''Transactions of the American Philosophical Society'', Vol. 40, Part 2 (1950), p. 153 * ''...exemplum, regula, principium, finis esse debet nobis Maro.'' ** Virgil should be our example, our rule, the beginning and the end. ** [[w:Julius Caesar Scaliger|Julius Caesar Scaliger]], ''Poetices libri septem'' (1561), Book V, Ch. 3, as quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 9 [[File:Raffael 075.jpg|thumb|[[Homer]]'s poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth.<br />—[[George Chapman]]]] * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** [[George Chapman]], Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * And for his poesy, 'tis so rammed with life,<br />That it shall gather strength of life, with being,<br />And live hereafter more admired than now. ** [[Ben Jonson]], ''[[w:Poetaster (play)|Poetaster]]'' (1601), Act V, scene i * The chastest poet and royalest that to the memory of man is known. ** [[Francis Bacon]], as quoted in ''Latin Poetry: Lectures Delivered in 1893 on the Percy Turnbull Memorial Foundation in the Johns Hopkins University'' (1895) by [[w:Robert Yelverton Tyrrell|Robert Yelverton Tyrrell]], p. 128 * Next, Virgil I’ll call forth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; To pledge this second health <br> In wine, whose each cup’s worth <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; An Indian commonwealth. ** [[Robert Herrick]], "To Live Merrily, and to Trust to Good Verses", st. 5. ''Hesperides'' (1648) * Hail mighty Maro! may that sacred name<br />Kindle my breast with thy celestial flame;<br />Sublime ideas and apt words infuse,<br />The Muse instruct my voice, and thou inspire the Muse! ** [[Wentworth Dillon, 4th Earl of Roscommon]], ''Essay on Translated Verse'' (1684), lines 173–176 * I looked on Virgil as a succinct and grave majestic writer; one who weighed not only every thought, but every word and syllable. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/180.html Preface to ''Sylvae''] (1685) [[File:VirgilDryden1716Vol2.jpg|thumb|He seems to have studied not to be translated.<br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * He seems to have studied not to be translated. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) * There is an inimitable grace in Virgil's words, and in them principally consists that beauty which gives so inexpressible a pleasure to him who best understands their force. This diction of his, I must once again say, is never to be copied; and since it cannot, he will appear but lame in the best translation. ** [[John Dryden]], Preface to ''Sylvae'' (1685) [[File:John Dryden, Poet and Playwright (3959224502).jpg|thumb|Virgil had the gift of expressing much in little, and sometimes in silence.<br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil had the gift of expressing much in little, and sometimes in silence... ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/204/194.html The Dedication to ''Examen Poeticum''] (1693) [[File:John Dryden portrait painting.jpg|thumb|Virgil is so exact in every word, that none can be changed but for a worse; he pretends sometimes to trip, but it is only to make you think him in danger of a fall when he is most secure.<br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil is so exact in every word, that none can be changed but for a worse; nor any one removed from its place, but the harmony will be altered. He pretends sometimes to trip; but it is only to make you think him in danger of a fall, when he is most secure. ** [[John Dryden]], ''A Parallel Betwixt Poetry and Painting'' (1695) * [Homer's] Fire burns with extraordinary Heat and Vehemence … Virgil's is a clearer and a chaster Flame ... ** [[Richard Blackmore]], Preface to ''King Arthur'' (1697) [[File:John Dryden by Sir Godfrey Kneller, Bt.jpg|thumb|Virgil has a thousand secret beauties. <br />—[[John Dryden]]]] * Virgil has a thousand secret beauties... ** [[John Dryden]], ''[[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|The Works of Virgil]]'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil cannot be said to copy Homer; the Grecian had only the advantage of writing first. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * Virgil, above all poets, had a stock, which I may call almost inexhaustible, of figurative, elegant, and sounding words. ** [[John Dryden]], ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697), 'Dedication to the Aeneis' * It long has been this sacred author's fate,<br />To lie at ev'ry dull translator's will:<br />Long, long his muse has groan'd beneath the weight<br />Of mangling [[John Ogilby|Ogleby]]'s presumptuous quill. ** [[w:Henry Graham (of Levens)|Henry Grahme]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=pB0-AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA104 To Mr. Dryden, on His Translation of Virgil]'' (1697) * Virgil was of a quiet, sedate temper; Homer was violent, impetuous, and full of fire. The chief talent of Virgil was propriety of thoughts, and ornament of words. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/39/25.html Preface] to ''Fables, Ancient and Modern'' (1700) * I came home a little later than usual the other night; and, not finding myself inclined to sleep, I took up Virgil, to divert me till I should be more disposed to rest. He is the author whom I always choose on such occasions; no one writing in so divine, so harmonious, nor so equal a strain, which leaves the mind composed and softened into an agreeable melancholy; the temper in which, of all others, I choose to close the day. ** [[Richard Steele]], in ''The Spectator'' 514 (20 October 1712) * When first young Maro in his boundless mind<br />A work to outlast immortal Rome designed,<br />Perhaps he seemed above the critic's law,<br />And but from Nature's fountains scorned to draw:<br />But when to examine every part he came,<br />Nature and [[Homer]] were, he found, the same.<br />Convinced, amazed, he checks the bold design,<br />And rules as strict his laboured work confine,<br />As if [[Aristotle|the Stagirite]] o'erlooked each line. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1711), lines 130–138 * This fire is discerned in Virgil, but discerned as through a glass, reflected from Homer, more shining than fierce, but every where equal and constant. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Homer's Iliad]]'' (1715) * The delight of all ages, and the pattern of all poets. ** [[Voltaire]], ''An Essay on Epic Poetry'' (1727) * Virgil loved rural ease, and, far from harm,<br />Maecenas fix'd him in a neat, snug farm,<br />Where he might free from trouble pass his days<br />In his own way, and pay his rent in praise. ** [[Charles Churchill (satirist)|Charles Churchill]], ''Independence'' (<!--September, -->1764) * The warmest admirers of the great Mantuan poet can extol him for little more than the skill with which he has, by making his hero both a traveller and a warrior, united the beauties of the ''Iliad'' and ''Odyssey'' in one composition; yet his judgment was perhaps sometimes overborne by his avarice of the Homeric treasures; and, for fear of suffering a sparkling ornament to be lost, he has inserted it where it cannot shine with its original splendor. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Rambler'', No. 121 (May 14, 1751) * ''Savez-vous le latin, madame? Non; voilà pourquoi vous me demandez si j'aime mieux Pope que Virgile. Ah! madame, toutes nos langues modernes sont sèches, pauvres, et sans harmonie, en comparaison de celles qu'ont parlées nos premiers maîtres, les Grecs et les Romains. Nous ne sommes que des violons de village. Comment voulez-vous d’ailleurs que je compare des épîtres à un poëme épique, aux amours de Didon, à l'embrasement de Troie, à la descente d'Énée aux enfers? Je crois l<nowiki>'</nowiki>''Essai sur l'Homme'', de Pope, le premier des poëmes didactiques, des poëmes philosophiques; mais ne mettons rien à côté de Virgile. Vous le connaissez par les traductions; mais les poëtes ne se traduisent point. Peut-on traduire de la musique? Je vous plains, madame, avec le goût et la sensibilité éclairée que vous avez, de ne pouvoir lire Virgile.'' ** Do you understand Latin, Madam? No; else you would not have asked whether I like [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] better than Virgil. Ah! Madam, all our modern languages are dry, poor, and wholly devoid of harmony, when compared to those which were spoken by our first masters, the Greeks and the Romans: we are merely to be compared to country fiddlers. Besides, how could you expect me to compare epistles to an epic poem, to the love of Dido, the burning of Troy, and the descent of Aeneas into hell? I think Pope's ''[[Essay on Man]]'' is one of the first and best didactic poems; but do not let us place any work upon an equality with Virgil. You are merely acquainted with him in a French dress; but poets cannot bear translating. Can you translate music? I really pity you, Madam, endowed as you are with such an exquisite degree of taste, and of refined sensibility, for not being able to read Virgil. ** [[Voltaire]], letter to [[Marie Anne de Vichy-Chamrond, marquise du Deffand|Madam du Deffand]] (19 May 1754), in ''The Unpublished Correspondence of Madame Du Deffand'', trans. Mary Meeke, Vol. II (1810), pp. 257–258 * I have this year<!-- [1783]--> read all Virgil through. I read a book of the Æneid every night, so it was done in twelve nights, and I had a great delight in it. The Georgicks did not give me so much pleasure, except the fourth book. The Eclogues I have almost all by heart. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], as quoted in ''The Life of Samuel Johnson'' by [[James Boswell]], Vol. II (1791), p. 454 * The principal and distinguishing excellency of Virgil, and which, in my opinion, he possesses beyond all poets, is [[tenderness]]. Nature had endowed him with exquisite sensibility; he felt every affecting circumstance in the scenes he describes; and, by a single stroke, he knows how to reach the heart. ** [[Hugh Blair]], ''Lectures on Rhetoric and Belles Lettres'', Vol. II (1783), Lecture XLIII: 'The Æneid of Virgil', p. 447 * [The] [[w:Pathos|pathetic]] is Virgil's great excellence in the Æneid, and...in that way he surpasses all other poets of every age and nation, except, perhaps (and only perhaps), Shakspeare. It is on that account that I rank him so very high; for surely to excel in that style which speaks to the heart is the greatest of all excellence. ** [[Charles James Fox]], letter to [[Gilbert Wakefield]] (13 April 1801), in ''Correspondence of the late Gilbert Wakefield with the late Charles James Fox'' (1813), p. 192 [[File:Byron 1813 by Phillips.jpg|thumb|That harmonious plagiary and miserable flatterer, whose cursed hexameters were drilled into me at Harrow.<br />—[[Lord Byron]]]] * That harmonious plagiary and miserable flatterer, whose cursed hexameters were drilled into me at Harrow. ** [[Lord Byron]], letter to Thomas Moore (11 April 1817), in '' Letters and Journals of Lord Byron, with Notices of his Life, by Thomas Moore'' (1830), p. 329 * Virgil's style is an inimitable mixture of the elaborately ornate, and the majestically plain and touching. ** [[William Wordsworth]], letter to Lord Lonsdale (17 February 1819), in ''Letters of the Wordsworth Family from 1787 to 1855'', collected and ed. by W. Knight, Vol. II (1907), p. 123 * Virgil seems to have copied Greek models completely, imitating them slavishly and lifelessly, and so they appear as plagiarisms more or less devoid of spirit. ** [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Vorlesungen über die Philosophie der Religion'', ed. W. Jaeschke, Vol. II, p. 402, as reported and quoted in ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014) by Philip Hardie, p. 14 * If you take from Virgil his diction and metre, what do you leave him? ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''Table Talk'' (8 May 1824), in ''Specimens of the Table Talk of the late Samuel Taylor Coleridge'', Vol. I (1835), p. 50 * ''O Virgile! ô poète! ô mon maître divin!'' ** Oh Virgil! Oh [[Poets|poet]]! Oh my [[Holiness|divine]] master! ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''Les Voix intérieures'' (1837), VII, 'À Virgile' * It never occurs to me to place him among the Roman poets of the first order. ** [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Barthold Georg Niebuhr]], ''The History of Rome'', Vol. V (1844), p. 79 * Unless one is a moron, one always dies unsure of one's own value and that of one's works. Virgil himself, as he lay dying, wanted the ''[[Aeneid]]'' burned. ** [[Gustave Flaubert]], letter to Louise Colet (19 September 1852), in ''The Letters of Gustave Flaubert: 1830–1857'', selected, edited and translated by Francis Steegmuller (1980), p. 170 * ''Le poète de la latinité tout entière.'' ** The poet of the entire Latin world. ** [[Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve]], ''Étude sur Virgile'' (1857), p. 35, as quoted in ''Why Vergil?: A Collection of Interpretations'' (2000), "Homage to Virgil" by Charles Fantazzi, p. 290 [[File:Matthew Arnold.jpg|thumb|The most attractive figure in literary history. <br />—[[Matthew Arnold]]]] * Over the whole of the great poem of Virgil, over the whole Æneid, there rests an ineffable melancholy: not a rigid, a moody gloom, like the melancholy of [[Lucretius]]; no, a sweet, a touching sadness, but still a sadness; a melancholy which is at once a source of charm in the poem, and a testimony to its incompleteness. Virgil, as [[w:Barthold Georg Niebuhr|Niebuhr]] has well said, expressed no affected self-disparagement, but the haunting, the irresistible self-dissatisfaction of his heart, when he desired on his deathbed that his poem might be destroyed. A man of the most delicate genius, the most rich learning, but of weak health, of the most sensitive nature, in a great and overwhelming world; conscious, at heart, of his inadequacy for the thorough spiritual mastery of that world and its interpretation in a work of art; conscious of this inadequacy—the one inadequacy, the one weak place in the mighty Roman nature! This suffering, this graceful-minded, this finely-gifted man is the most beautiful, the most attractive figure in literary history; but he is not the adequate interpreter of the great period of Rome. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], "On the Modern Element in Literature" (1857), lecture published in ''On the Classical Tradition'' (1960) ed. by R. H. Super, p. 35 * He writes passionately, because he feels keenly; forcibly, because he conceives vividly; he sees too clearly to be vague; he is too serious to be otiose; he can analyze his subject, and therefore he is rich; he embraces it as a whole and in its parts, and therefore he is consistent; he has a firm hold of it, and therefore he is luminous. When his imagination wells up, it overflows in ornament; when his heart is touched, it thrills along his verse. He always has the right word for the right idea, and never a word too much. If he is brief, it is because few words suffice; when he is lavish of them, still each word has its mark, and aids, not embarrasses, the vigorous march of his elocution. He expresses what all feel, but all cannot say; and his sayings pass into proverbs among his people, and his phrases become household words and idioms of their daily speech, which is tesselated with the rich fragments of his language, as we see in foreign lands the marbles of Roman grandeur worked into the walls and pavements of modern palaces.<br />Such pre-eminently is Shakespeare among ourselves; such pre-eminently Virgil among the Latins; such in their degree are all those writers who in every nation go by the name of Classics. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/24526/24526-h/24526-h.html The Idea of a University]'' (1858) * Virgil imitated Homer, but imitated him as a [[rival]], not as a disciple. ** [[John Conington]], ''P. Vergili Maronis Opera, with a Commentary by John Conington, M.A.'', Vol. II (1863), Introduction, p. 27 * His single words and phrases, his pathetic half-lines giving utterance, are as the voice of Nature herself, to that pain and weariness, yet hope of better things, which is the experience of her children in every time. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''An Essay in Aid of a Grammar of Assent'' (1870) [[File:Biblioteca moreniana, sala stucchi 05 virgilio.JPG|thumb|Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man.<br />—[[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]]]] * My lord, you know what Virgil sings—<br />Woman is various and most mutable. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''Queen Mary'' (1875), Act III, scene vi. Cf. ''Aeneid'' 4.569 * Roman Virgil, thou that singest Ilion's lofty temples robed in fire. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 1 * Thou that singest wheat and woodland, tilth and vineyard, hive and horse and herd;<br />All the charm of all the Muses often flowering in a lonely word. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 3 * Thou that seest Universal Nature moved by Universal Mind;<br />Thou majestic in thy sadness at the doubtful doom of human kind. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 6 * Sound for ever of Imperial Rome. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 8 * I salute thee, Mantovano, I that loved thee since my day began,<br />Wielder of the stateliest measure ever moulded by the lips of man. ** [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], ''To Virgil'' (1882), st. 10 * Hundreds of Virgil's lines are for most of us familiar quotations, which linger in our memory, and round which our literary associations cluster and hang, just as religious feeling clings to well-known texts or passages of Scripture. ** [[Charles Bowen, Baron Bowen|Charles Bowen]], Preface to ''Virgil in English Verse'' (1887) * Of all that [Homer] knew he sang, but Virgil could only follow and imitate, with a pale antiquarian interest, the things that were alive for Homer. ** [[Andrew Lang]], letter to Lady Violet Lebas in ''Letters on Literature'' (1892), p. 65 <!-- * He who in the days of yore<br />Sang of pastures, sang of farms,<br />Sang of heroes and their arms,<br />Sang of passion, sang of war. ** Robert Cameron Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) * Then the soul of Virgil seems<br />To awaken from its dreams,<br />To sing again the melodies<br />Of which he often tells,—<br />The music of the birds,<br />The lowing of the herds,<br />The tinkling of the bells. ** R. C. Rogers, ''Virgil's Tomb'' (1894?) --> * The use which the grammarians made of Vergil is so extensive that, if all the [[w:Manuscripts|MSS.]] of him had been lost, it would be possible from the notices given us by the ancients of the Vergilian poems, and the passages quoted from them by the grammarians alone, to reconstruct practically the whole of the ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'', and the ''Aeneid''. ** [[w:Domenico Comparetti|Domenico Comparetti]], ''Vergil in the Middle Ages'', tr. E. F. M. Benecke (1895), p. 32 * [Virgil] borrows royally from nearly every older master of style. Yet the result, if a mosaic, at least remains clear, beautiful, even harmonious, in its general design and effect. ** [[w:William Cranston Lawton|William Cranston Lawton]], "Virgil" in ''Library of the World's Best Literature'' (1897), p. 15421 * But it is to beauty that, like [[Dante]], one returns as the final fact and feature of his style. Under Virgil's verbal sorcery, Latin becomes a golden language of exquisite richness, veined with a delicate melancholy and wistful reverie upon the abundant travail of life. If his wealth of tremulous pities and mystic dreams do not make true poetry, then poetry was never written. ** John Wight Duff, ''A Literary History of Rome'' (1909), p. 349 * Does [Aeneas] really resemble Odysseus at any point? No—there is no greater difference within the whole compass of ancient literature; and to understand that is to see how absurd are those critics who would dismiss Virgil contemptuously as a mere plagiarist and imitator of Homer. There is no more profound or astonishing originality in all the literature of antiquity than Virgil's; and that precisely because it operates within the limits imposed by the inherited and traditional forms, which it reverently observes. ** [[w:Theodor Haecker|Theodor Haecker]], ''Virgil, Father of the West'' (1934), tr. [[w:Arthur Wesley Wheen|A. W. Wheen]], p. 70 [[File:Mattia Preti 007.jpg|thumb|With Virgil European poetry grows up.<br />—[[C. S. Lewis]]]] * With Virgil European poetry grows up. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''A Preface to Paradise Lost'' (1942), Chapter 6: "Virgil and the Subject of Secondary Epic" [[File:Thomas Stearns Eliot by Lady Ottoline Morrell (1934).jpg|thumb|Our classic, the classic of all Europe, is Virgil.<br />—[[T. S. Eliot]]]] * [Aeneas] is the symbol of Rome; and, as Aeneas is to Rome, so is ancient Rome to Europe. Thus Virgil acquires the centrality of the unique classic; he is at the centre of European civilisation, in a position which no other poet can share or usurp. The Roman Empire and the Latin language were not any empire and any language, but an empire and a language with a unique destiny in relation to ourselves, and the poet in whom that Empire and that language came to consciousness and expression is a poet of unique destiny. [...] No modern language can hope to produce a classic, in the sense in which I have called Virgil a classic. Our classic, '''the classic of all Europe''', is Virgil. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "What is a Classic?" (1944) * I think that he had few illusions and that he saw clearly both sides of every question—the case for the loser as well as the case for the winner. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951), published in ''The Listener'' (13 September 1951) * Virgil, among classical Latin poets or prose writers, is uniquely near to Christianity. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * ...in the sense in which a poet is a philosopher … Virgil is the greatest philosopher of ancient Rome. ...Virgil was, among all authors of classical antiquity, one for whom the world made sense, for whom it had order and dignity, and for whom, as for no one before his time except the Hebrew prophets, history had meaning. ** [[T. S. Eliot]], "Virgil and the Christian World" (1951) * No, Virgil, no:<br />Not even the first of the Romans can learn<br />His Roman history in the future tense,<br />Not even to serve your political turn;<br />Hindsight as foresight makes no sense. ** [[W. H. Auden]], "Secondary Epic" (1959), opening lines [[File:Muse reading Louvre CA2220.jpg|thumb|Few poets have brought such discredit as Virgil on their sacred calling.<br />—[[Robert Graves]]]] * Why Virgil's poems have for the last two thousand years exercised so great an influence on our Western culture is, paradoxically, because he was a renegade to the true Muse. His pliability; his subservience; his narrowness; his denial of that stubborn imaginative freedom which the true poets who preceded him had prized; his perfect lack of originality, courage, humour, or even animal spirits: these were the negative qualities which first commended him to government circles and have kept him in public favour ever since. [...] Few poets have brought such discredit as Virgil on their sacred calling. ** [[Robert Graves]], "The Virgil Cult" (1961), in ''The Virginia Quarterly Review'', Vol. 38, no. 1 (1962), pp. 13–35; partially quoted in Philip Hardie's ''The Last Trojan Hero: A Cultural History of Virgil's Aeneid'' (2014), p. 14, and in Richard Jenkyns's ''The Legacy of Rome: A New Appraisal'' (1992), p. 142. * Virgil's narrative style...is ''subjective'' or more accurately, ''empathetic-sympathetic''. Virgil not only reads the minds of his characters; he constantly communicates to us his own reactions to them and to their behaviour. ** [[w:Brooks Otis|Brooks Otis]], ''Virgil: A Study in Civilized Poetry'' (1964), p. 88 [[File:Ulmann, Mark van Doren.jpg|thumb|Homer is a world; Virgil, a style.<br />—[[w:Mark Van Doren|Mark Van Doren]]]] * Homer is a world; Virgil, a style. ** [[w:Mark Van Doren|Mark Van Doren]], as quoted in Allen Mandelbaum, trans., ''The Aeneid of Virgil'' (1971), p. vi * Like every human being, a poet has to deal with three questions: how, what for, and in the name of what to live. The ''Bucolics'', the ''Georgics'' and the ''Aeneid'' answer all three, and these answers apply equally to the Emperor and to his subjects, to antiquity as well as to our times. The modern reader may use Virgil in the same way that [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]] used him in his passage through Hell and Purgatory: as a guide. ** [[Joseph Brodsky]], "Virgil: Older than Christianity, a Poet for the New Age", in ''Vogue'' (October 1981), p. 180 * For Virgil all war is mad and one cannot conduct oneself morally on the battlefield. ** K. W Gransden, "War and Peace", in [[w:Harold Bloom|Harold Bloom]]'s ''Virgil's Aeneid'' (1987), p. 143 * Virgil's influence on English literature has been enormous. He was [[Edmund Spenser]]'s constant inspiration for the fanciful beauty of ''[[The Faerie Queene]]''. The ''[[Aeneid]]'' was the model for [[John Milton]]'s ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' not only in epic structure and machinery but also in style and diction. In the English Augustan age, [[John Dryden]] and countless others held that Virgil's poetry had reached the ultimate perfection of form and ethical content. There was some reaction against him in the Romantic period, but the Victorians, such as [[Matthew Arnold]] and [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson]], rediscovered in full measure that sensitivity and pathos that the Romantics had complained that Virgil lacked. ** ''[[w:Encyclopædia Britannica|Encyclopaedia Britannica]]'', "Virgil" in ''The New Encyclopædia Britannica'' (15th ed., 1993), pp. 500–501 * Virgil is too important to be left to the classicists. ** [[w:Theodore Ziolkowski|Theodore Ziolkowski]], ''Virgil and the Moderns'' (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1993), p. ix * At every step I have seen how impossible it is to translate Virgil, especially his unequaled blend of grandeur and accessibility..., of eloquence and action, heroics and humanity. ** [[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]], "Translator's Postscript" to Virgil, ''The Aeneid'' (New York: Viking, 2006), p. 389 == See also == * [[The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)|''The Works of Virgil'' (trans. John Dryden)]] == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Wikisource-inline|Author:Virgil}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/verg.html Original texts of Virgil's works at The Latin Library] {{DEFAULTSORT:Virgil}} [[Category:Virgil]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] ctkl3pzt1mc6i2l69vzcyfcevkt364o 0 3676 3944273 3941510 2026-05-22T20:40:58Z ~2026-30790-02 3327541 Alex Hirsch 3944273 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jawbreaker plate.jpg|thumb|Jawbreakers!]] {{italic title}} [[w:Ed, Edd n Eddy|'''''Ed, Edd n Eddy''''']] (1999–) is an animated television series created by Danny Antonucci which aired on Cartoon Network. The series features three boys, Ed, Edd and Eddy, known as the Eds, who create crazy money-making scams in order to buy Jawbreakers, their favorite candy. == Seasons == ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 3)|Season 3]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 4)|Season 4]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 5)|Season 5]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 6)|Season 6]] == Specials == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Jingle Jingle Jangle]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Hanky Panky Hullabaloo]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Boo-Haw Haw]]=== ===[[The Eds Are Coming!]]=== == Film == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]=== ==Video games== * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Jawbreakers!]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: The Mis-Edventures]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Scam of the Century]] == Cast == *[[w:Matt Hill|Matt Hill]] - Ed *[[w:Samuel Vincent|Samuel Vincent]] - Double D (Edd) *[[w:Tony Sampson|Tony Sampson]] - Eddy *[[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]] - Marie Kanker, Kevin *[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]] (Season 1), [[w:Jenn Forgie|Jenn Forgie]] (Season 3) - Nazz Van Bartonschmeer *[[w:Erin Fitzgerald|Erin Fitzgerald]] - Nazz Van Bartnschmeer (Seasons 2, 4-5), May Kanker *[[w:Janyse Jaud|Janyse Jaud]] - Sarah, Lee Kanker *Keenan Christenson - Jimmy *[[w:David Paul Grove|David Paul Grove]] - Jonny '2x4' "Luddgate" *[[w:Peter Kelamis|Peter Kelamis]] - Rolf *[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Winifred the Pig (vocal effects) *[[w:Billy West|Billy West]] - Victor the Goat (vocal effects) *<nowiki>[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]]</nowiki> - Beatrice the Cow (vocal effects) *[[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] - Edzilla *[[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] - Gertrude the Chicken (vocal effects), Rolf's Chickens (vocal effects), Edzilla (roaring) *[[w:Danny Antonucci|Danny Antonucci]] - Mr. Sun, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa]] *[[w:Terry Klassen|Terry Klassen]] - Eddy's Brother == External Links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0184111/ IMDb Page] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Ed, Edd n Eddy|1999]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] r0r4wkugy52tnsb09e02gjs2j2o51f8 3944274 3944273 2026-05-22T20:43:38Z ~2026-30790-02 3327541 /* */ frank welker 3944274 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jawbreaker plate.jpg|thumb|Jawbreakers!]] {{italic title}} [[w:Ed, Edd n Eddy|'''''Ed, Edd n Eddy''''']] (1999–) is an animated television series created by Danny Antonucci which aired on Cartoon Network. The series features three boys, Ed, Edd and Eddy, known as the Eds, who create crazy money-making scams in order to buy Jawbreakers, their favorite candy. == Seasons == ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 3)|Season 3]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 4)|Season 4]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 5)|Season 5]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 6)|Season 6]] == Specials == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Jingle Jingle Jangle]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Hanky Panky Hullabaloo]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Boo-Haw Haw]]=== ===[[The Eds Are Coming!]]=== == Film == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]=== ==Video games== * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Jawbreakers!]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: The Mis-Edventures]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Scam of the Century]] == Cast == *[[w:Matt Hill|Matt Hill]] - Ed *[[w:Samuel Vincent|Samuel Vincent]] - Double D (Edd) *[[w:Tony Sampson|Tony Sampson]] - Eddy *[[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]] - Marie Kanker, Kevin *[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]] (Season 1), [[w:Jenn Forgie|Jenn Forgie]] (Season 3) - Nazz Van Bartonschmeer *[[w:Erin Fitzgerald|Erin Fitzgerald]] - Nazz Van Bartnschmeer (Seasons 2, 4-5), May Kanker *[[w:Janyse Jaud|Janyse Jaud]] - Sarah, Lee Kanker *Keenan Christenson - Jimmy *[[w:David Paul Grove|David Paul Grove]] - Jonny '2x4' "Luddgate" *[[w:Peter Kelamis|Peter Kelamis]] - Rolf *[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Winifred the Pig (vocal effects) *[[w:Billy West|Billy West]] - Victor the Goat (vocal effects) *[[Frank Welker]] - Beatrice the Cow (vocal effects) *[[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] - Edzilla *[[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] - Gertrude the Chicken (vocal effects), Rolf's Chickens (vocal effects), Edzilla (roaring) *[[w:Danny Antonucci|Danny Antonucci]] - Mr. Sun, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa]] *[[w:Terry Klassen|Terry Klassen]] - Eddy's Brother == External Links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0184111/ IMDb Page] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Ed, Edd n Eddy|1999]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] e7yhobioh2qqk3csljq5po1kp7bqnil 3944298 3944274 2026-05-22T23:17:07Z 03isrflo62410 1485946 3944298 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jawbreaker plate.jpg|thumb|Jawbreakers!]] {{italic title}} [[w:Ed, Edd n Eddy|'''''Ed, Edd n Eddy''''']] (1999–) is an animated television series created by Danny Antonucci which aired on Cartoon Network. The series features three boys, Ed, Edd and Eddy, known as the Eds, who create crazy money-making scams in order to buy Jawbreakers, their favorite candy. == Seasons == ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 3)|Season 3]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 4)|Season 4]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 5)|Season 5]] ::[[Ed, Edd n Eddy (season 6)|Season 6]] == Specials == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Jingle Jingle Jangle]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Hanky Panky Hullabaloo]]=== ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Boo-Haw Haw]]=== ===[[The Eds Are Coming!]]=== == Film == ===[[Ed, Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show]]=== ==Video games== * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Jawbreakers!]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: The Mis-Edventures]] * [[Ed, Edd n' Eddy: Scam of the Century]] == Cast == *[[w:Matt Hill|Matt Hill]] - Ed *[[w:Samuel Vincent|Samuel Vincent]] - Double D (Edd) *[[w:Tony Sampson|Tony Sampson]] - Eddy *[[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]] - Marie Kanker, Kevin *[[w:Tabitha St. Germain|Tabitha St. Germain]] (Season 1), [[w:Jenn Forgie|Jenn Forgie]] (Season 3) - Nazz Van Bartonschmeer *[[w:Erin Fitzgerald|Erin Fitzgerald]] - Nazz Van Bartnschmeer (Seasons 2, 4-5), May Kanker *[[w:Janyse Jaud|Janyse Jaud]] - Sarah, Lee Kanker *Keenan Christenson - Jimmy *[[w:David Paul Grove|David Paul Grove]] - Jonny '2x4' "Luddgate" *[[w:Peter Kelamis|Peter Kelamis]] - Rolf *[[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] - Winifred the Pig (vocal effects) *[[w:Billy West|Billy West]] - Victor the Goat (vocal effects) *[[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] - Beatrice the Cow (vocal effects), Edzilla *[[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] - Gertrude the Chicken (vocal effects), Rolf's Chickens (vocal effects), Edzilla (roaring) *[[w:Danny Antonucci|Danny Antonucci]] - Mr. Sun, [[w:Santa Claus|Santa]] *[[w:Terry Klassen|Terry Klassen]] - Eddy's Brother == External Links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0184111/ IMDb Page] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Ed, Edd n Eddy|1999]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] jvrbqn94agfubp0whrad5nzew8x52yk 4 4250 3944175 3943977 2026-05-22T12:43:10Z MathXplore 3050778 /* New report 2026-05-22, 12:10 */ new topic ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]]) 3944175 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-05-9, 04:16 == * {{Vandal|Hammond Johns}} Userpage issues, removed CSD tag. [[w:WP:AB]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:17, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :Sorry, I wasn't trying to vandalise anything. I was just trying to fix the issues you raised. I'm new at this. I'll just leave it now & will accept any decision you make. [[User:Hammond Johns|Hammond Johns]] ([[User talk:Hammond Johns|talk]]) 05:19, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} User has been warned. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:57, 14 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-12, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|Ragnir 29912}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:19, 12 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:26, 12 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-17, 02:26 == * {{Vandal|Mozang555}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Jinnahpk]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Hipponz]]. Created page [[Akhter Aly Kureshy]] ([[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Akhtar Aly Kureshy]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 17 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:33, 17 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-19, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|Capitalskinspa25}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 19 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:50, 19 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-20, 14:06 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30337-22}} repeated vandalism, several temp accounts before on this article before already, so pls consider protecting the page. [[User:Icodense|Icodense]] ([[User talk:Icodense|talk]]) 14:07, 20 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:19, 20 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-22, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Fav Jacket}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:43, 22 May 2026 (UTC) ezd53gjvote3qyl5cse4qadttjhuqcz 3944177 3944175 2026-05-22T13:14:43Z Saroj 2925457 /* New report 2026-05-22, 12:10 */ Reply 3944177 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-05-9, 04:16 == * {{Vandal|Hammond Johns}} Userpage issues, removed CSD tag. [[w:WP:AB]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:17, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :Sorry, I wasn't trying to vandalise anything. I was just trying to fix the issues you raised. I'm new at this. I'll just leave it now & will accept any decision you make. [[User:Hammond Johns|Hammond Johns]] ([[User talk:Hammond Johns|talk]]) 05:19, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} User has been warned. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:57, 14 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-12, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|Ragnir 29912}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:19, 12 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:26, 12 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-17, 02:26 == * {{Vandal|Mozang555}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Jinnahpk]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Hipponz]]. Created page [[Akhter Aly Kureshy]] ([[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Akhtar Aly Kureshy]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 17 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:33, 17 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-19, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|Capitalskinspa25}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 19 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:50, 19 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-20, 14:06 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30337-22}} repeated vandalism, several temp accounts before on this article before already, so pls consider protecting the page. [[User:Icodense|Icodense]] ([[User talk:Icodense|talk]]) 14:07, 20 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:19, 20 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-22, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Fav Jacket}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:43, 22 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:14, 22 May 2026 (UTC) pjwf21hqk6lyjxetj0bj89ksc4mcmmn 0 4423 3944295 3902844 2026-05-22T22:46:40Z ~2026-30763-63 3327600 3944295 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cat's Cradle|Cat's Cradle]]''''' (1963) is the fourth novel by American writer [[Kurt Vonnegut]]. It explores issues of science, technology, and religion, satirizing the arms race and many other targets along the way. == Quotes == * Nothing in this book is true.<br>"Live by the ''foma''* that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy." — The Books of Bokonon 1:5<br>*Harmless untruths ** epigraph * We Bokononists believe that humanity is organized into teams, teams that do God's Will without ever discovering what they are doing. Such a team is called a ''karass'' by Bokonon ... "If you find your life tangled up with somebody else's life for no very logical reasons," writes Bokonon, "that person may be a member of your karass." At another point in ''The Books of Bokonon'' he tells us, "Man created the checkerboard; God created the ''karass''." By that he means that a karass ignores national, institutional, occupational, familial, and class boundaries. It is as free form as an amoeba. ** Chapters 1 & 2 * All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies. ** First sentence of the ''Book of Bokonon''; chapter 4 * Anyone unable to understand how a useful religion can be founded on lies will not understand this book either.<br>So be it. ** Chapter 4 * Ladies and Gentlemen, I stand before you now because I never stopped dawdling like an eight-year-old on a spring morning on his way to school. Anything can make me stop and look and wonder, and sometimes learn. I am a very happy man. Thank you. ** Dr. Hoenikker's Nobel Prize acceptance speech (in its entirety); chapter 5 * [It] was about the end of the world in the year 2000 ... It told how mad scientists made a terrific bomb that wiped out the whole world. There was a big sex orgy when everybody knew that the world was going to end, and then Jesus Christ Himself appeared ten seconds before the bomb went off. ** Describing a fictitious unpublished novel, ''2000 AD''; chapter 5 * There are lots of good anecdotes about the bomb and Father ... For instance, do you know the story about Father on the day they first tested a bomb out at Alamagordo? After the things went off, after it was a sure thing that America could wipe out a city with just one bomb, a scientist turned to Father and said, 'Science has now known sin.' And do you know what Father said? He said, 'What is sin?' ** Written by Newt Hoenikker, Dr. Hoenniker's younger son; chapter 6 * There is love enough in this world for everybody, if people will just look. ** Chapter 7 * We talked about the Pope and birth control, about Hitler and the Jews. We talked about phonies. We talked about truth. We talked about gangsters; we talked about business. We talked about the nice poor people who went to the electric chair; and we talked about the rich bastards who didn’t. We talked about religious people who had perversions. We talked about a lot of things. ** Chapter 10 * [Dr. Asa Breed] said, the trouble with the world was... that people were still superstitious instead of scientific. He said that if everybody would study science more, there wouldn’t be all the trouble there was. ** Said by Sandra, a prostitute; chapter 11 * "What ''is'' the secret of life?” I asked.<br>“I forget,” said Sandra.<br>“Protein,” the bartender declared. "They found out something about protein."<br>"Yeah," said Sandra, "that's it." ** John, Sandra (a prostitute), and a bartender; chapter 11 * "Ah, God," says Bokonon, "what an ugly city every city is." ** Chapter 13 * My soul seemed as foul as smoke from burning cat fur. ** Chapter 13 * She hated people who thought too much. At that moment, she struck me as an appropriate representative for almost all mankind.<br>The fat woman’s expression implied that she would go crazy on the spot if anybody did any more thinking. ** Chapter 15 * Dr. Hoenikker used to say that any scientist who couldn't explain to an eight-year-old what he was doing was a charlatan. ** Said by Dr. Asa Breed; chapter 15 ** Often expressed as '''Any scientist who can't explain to an eight-year old what he is doing is a charlatan.''' * I smiled at one of the guards. He did not smile back. There was nothing funny about national security, nothing at all. ** Chapter 16 * Naomi Faust (secretary): “I’m indestructible. And even if I did fall, Christmas angels would catch me.”<br>Dr Asa Breed (science administrator): “They’ve been known to miss.” ** chapter 17 * '''New knowledge is the most valuable commodity on earth. The more truth we have to work with, the richer we become.''' ** Chapter 18 * Round and round and round we spin,<br>With feet of lead and wings of tin... ** Chapter 24 * I don't think he was knowable. I mean, when most people talk about knowing somebody a lot or a little, they're talking about secrets they've been told or haven't been told. They're talking about intimate things, family things, love things ... Dr. Hoenikker had all those things in his life, the way every living person has to, but they weren't the main things with him. ... Dr. Breed keeps telling me the main thing with Dr. Hoenikker was truth. ... I just have trouble understanding how truth, all by itself, could be enough for a person. ** Said by Naomi Faust, secretary to Dr. Breed; chapter 25 * There was one [conversation with Dr. Hoenikker] where he bet I couldn't tell him anything that was absolutely true. So I said to him, 'God is love' ... He said, 'What is God? What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, Baby don’t hurt me, no more.’ ** Said by Naomi Faust, secretary to Dr. Breed; chapter 26 * [Lyman Enders] Knowles was insane, I’m almost sure – offensively so, in that he grabbed his own behind and cried, ‘Yes, yes!’ whenever he felt that he'd made a point. ** Chapter 28 * As Bokonon says: "Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God." ** Chapter 31 ** Despite having a definite source, this particular line is misquoted on the Internet in many ways, with "unexpected", "strange", and "unusual" commonly substituted for "peculiar", and "arrangements" for "suggestions". * "It’s a small world," I observed.<br>"When you put it in a cemetery, it is." ** John and Marvin Breed; chapter 31 * ''Busy, busy, busy,'' is what we Bokononists whisper whenever we think of how complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is. ** Chapter 32 * “Pretty? ... Mister, when I see my first lady angel, if God ever sees fit to show me one, it’ll be her wings not her face that’ll make my mouth fall open. I’ve already seen the prettiest face that ever could be.” ** About Emily Hoenikker, wife of Dr. Hoenikker; chapter 33 * “Sometimes I wonder if he wasn’t born dead. I never met a man who was less interested in the living. Sometimes I think that’s the trouble with the world: too many people in high places who are stone-cold dead.” ** Said by Marvin Breed about Dr. Hoenikker; chapter 33 * “She said his mind was turned to the biggest music there was, the music of the stars.” ** Marvin Breed quoting Emily Hoenikker about Dr. Hoenikker; chapter 34 * The room seemed to tip, and its walls and ceiling and floor were transformed momentarily into the mouths of many tunnels – tunnels leading in all directions through time. I had a Bokononist vision of the unity in every second of all time and all wandering mankind, all wondering womankind, all wondering children. ** Chapter 34 * My second wife had left me on the grounds that I was too pessimistic for an optimist to live with. ** Chapter 36 * [Hazel Crosby's] obsession with Hoosiers around the world was a textbook example of a false ''karass'', of a seeming team that was meaningless in terms of the ways God gets things done, a textbook example of what Bokonon calls a ''granfalloon''. Other examples are the Communist party, the Daughters of the American Revolution, the General Electric Company, the International Order of Odd Fellows - and any nation, anytime, anywhere.<br>As Bokonon invites us to sing along with him:<br>If you wish to study a ''granfalloon''<br>Just remove the skin of a toy balloon. ** Chapter 42 * The people down there are poor enough and scared enough and ignorant enough to have some common sense! ** Chapter 42 * ... I was very upset about how Americans couldn’t imagine what it was like to be something else, to be something else and proud of it. ** Chapter 44 * Americans... are forever searching for love in forms it never takes, in places it can never be. It must have something to do with the vanished frontier. ** Chapter 44 * "The highest possible form of treason," said [Horlick] Minton, "is to say that Americans aren't loved wherever they go, whatever they do. Claire tried to make the point that American foreign policy should recognize hate rather than imagine love."<br>"I guess Americans ''are'' hated a lot of places."<br>"''People'' are hated a lot of places. Claire pointed out ... that Americans, in being hated, were simply paying the normal penalty for being people, and that they were foolish to think they should somehow be exempted from that penalty. But the loyalty board didn't pay any attention to that. All they knew was that Claire and I both felt that Americans were unloved." ** Chapter 45 * Pay no attention to Caesar. Caesar doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s ''really'' going on. ** Chapter 46 * It was the belief of Bokonon that good societies could be built only by pitting good against evil, and by keeping tension between the two high at all times. ** Chapter 47 * Never index your own book. ** Chapter 55 * Never had I seen a human being better adjusted to such a humiliating physical handicap. I shuddered with admiration. ** About Newt Hoenikker, a midget; chapter 59 * A pissant is somebody who thinks he’s so damn smart, he never can keep his mouth shut. No matter what anybody says, he’s got to argue with it. You say you like something, and, by God, he’ll tell you why you’re wrong to like it. A pissant does his best to make you feel like a boob all the time. No matter what you say, he knows better. ** Chapter 59 * He reported his avocation as: “Being alive.”<br>He reported his principal occupation as: “Being dead.” ** Chapter 61 * The San Lorenzan National Anthem. Its melody was "Home on the Range." The words had been written in 1922 by Lionel Boyd Johnson, by Bokonon. The words were these: "Oh, ours is a land / Where the living is grand, / And the men are fearless as sharks; / The women are pure, / And we always are sure / That our children will all toe their marks. / San, San Lo-ren-zo! / What a rich, lucky island are we! / Our enemies quail, / For they know they will fail / Against people so reverent and free." ** Chapter 63 * Every greedy, unreasonable dream I’d ever had about what a woman should be came true in Mona. There, God love her warm and creamy soul, was peace and plenty forever. ** Chapter 64 * "No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's..."<br>"And?"<br>''"No damn cat, and no damn cradle."'' ** Chapter 74 * People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order, so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say. ** Chapter 76 * Man is vile, and man makes nothing worth making, knows nothing worth knowing. ** Chapter 76 * “Well, when it became evident that no governmental or economic reform was going to make the people much less miserable, the religion became the one real instrument of hope. Truth was the enemy of the people, because the truth was so terrible, so Bokonon made it his business to provide the people with better and better lies. ** Chapter 78 * <p>Tiger got to hunt,<br>Bird got to fly;<br>Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"</p><p>Tiger got to sleep,<br>Bird got to land;<br>Man got to tell himself he understand.</p> ** Chapter 81 * "My God — life! Who can understand even one little minute of it?"<br>"Don't try," [Castle] said. "Just pretend you understand." ** John and Julian Castle; chapter 81 * Her [[w:Glissando|glissandi]] spoke of heaven and hell and all that lay in between. Such music from such a woman could only be the case of schizophrenia or demonic possession. ** Chapter 81 * Little Newt snorted. “Religion!”<br>“Beg your pardon?” Castle said.<br>“See the cat?” asked Newt. “See the cradle?” ** Chapter 81 * If he keeps going at his present rate, working night and day, the number of people he’s saved will equal the number of people he let die – in the year 3010. ** Dr Julian Castle about Dr Schlichter von Koenigswald; chapter 83 * He had made me feel as though my own free will were as irrelevant as the free will of a piggy-wig arriving at the Chicago stockyards. ** Spoken by the character "John" about "Frank Hoenikker"; chapter 85 * I learned of the Bokononists cosmogony .. wherein ''Borasisi'', the sun, held ''Pabu'', the moon, in his arms, and hoped ''Pabu'' would bear him a fiery child. But poor ''Pabu'' gave birth to children that were cold, that did not burn; and ''Borasisi'' threw them away in disgust. Those were the planets who circled their terrible father at a safe distance. Then poor ''Pabu'' herself was cast away, and she went to live with her favourite child, which was Earth. Earth was ''Pabu’s'' favorite because it had people on it; and the people looked up to her and loved her and sympathised.<br>And what opinion did Bokonon hold of his own cosmogony?<br>"''Foma!'' Lies!" he wrote. "A pack of ''foma''!" ** Chapter 85 * “Maturity,” Bokonon tells us, “is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.” ** Chapter 88 * Pay no attention when I laugh .. I'm a notorious pervert in that respect. ** Chapter 89 * “It is not possible to make a mistake,” she assured me. I did not know that this was a customary greeting given by all Bokononists when meeting a shy person. So, I responded with a feverish discussion of whether it was possible to make a mistake or not. ** Chapter 91 * '''Science is magic that ''works''.''' ** Chapter 97 * I agree with one Bokononist idea. I agree that all religions, including Bokononism, are nothing but lies. ** Said by Dr. von Koenigswald; chapter 98 * I am a very bad scientist. I will do anything to make a human being feel better, even if it's unscientific. ** Dr. von Koenigswald, Chapter 98 * "I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done."<br>"Nice going, God!"<br>"Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have."<br>"I feel very unimportant compared to You."<br>"The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around." ** Part of the Bokononist last rites; chapter 99 * When a man becomes a writer, I think he takes on a sacred obligation to produce beauty and enlightenment and comfort at top speed. ** Chapter 103 * "Now I will destroy the whole world." ... It’s what Bokonists always say when they are about to commit suicide. ** Chapter 106 * God never wrote a good play in His life. ** Chapter 107 * I remembered ''The Fourteenth Book of Bokonon'', which I had read in its entirety the night before. ''The Fourteenth Book'' is entitled, "What Can a Thoughtful Man Hope for Mankind on Earth, Given the Experience of the Past Million Years?"<br>It doesn't take long to read ''The Fourteenth Book''. It consists of one word and a period.<br>This is it:<br>"Nothing." ** Chapter 110 * The brainless serenity of charwomen and janitors working late at night came over us. In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean. ** Chapter 111 * Any man can call time out, but no man can say how long the time out will be. ** Chapter 112 * “History,” writes Bokonon. “Read it and weep!” ** Chapter 113 * I am about to do a very un-ambassadorial thing ... I am about to tell you what I really feel. ... We are gathered here, friends ... to honor [the Hundred Martyrs to Democracy], children dead, all dead, all murdered in war. It is customary on days like this to call such lost children ''men''. I am unable to call them men for this simple reason: that in the same war in which [the Martyrs] died, my own son died. My soul insists that I mourn not a man but a child.<br>I do not say that children at war do not die like men, if they have to die. To their everlasting honor and our everlasting shame, they ''do'' die like men, thus making possible the manly jubilation of patriotic holidays.<br>But they are murdered children all same.<br>And I propose to you that if we are to pay our sincere respects to the hundred lost children of [[San Lorenzo]], that we might best spend the day despising what killed them; which is to say, the stupidity and viciousness of all mankind.<br>Perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all day long and grunt like pigs. That would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and shows of flags and well-oiled guns. ... [I]f today is really in honor of a hundred children murdered in war ... is today a day for a thrilling show? The answer is yes, on one condition: that we, the celebrants, are working consciously and tirelessly to reduce the stupidity and viciousness of all mankind. ** Said by Horlick Minton, Chapter 114 * This wreath I bring is a gift from the people of one country to the people of another. Never mind which countries, think of people… ** Said by Horlick Minton, Chapter 114 * There was a sound like that of the gentle closing of a portal as big as the sky, the great door of heaven being closed softly. It was a grand AH-WHOOM. I opened my eyes - and all the sea was ''ice-nine''. The moist green earth was a blue-white pearl. The sky darkened. ... [T]he sun became a sickly yellow ball, tiny and cruel. The sky was filled with [[worms]]. The worms were tornadoes. ** Chapter 116 * And God said, “Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done.” And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man. Mud as man alone could speak. God leaned close as mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke. Man blinked. “What is the purpose of all this?” he asked politely.<br>“Everything must have a purpose?” asked God.<br>“Certainly,” said man.<br>“Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this,” said God.<br>And He went away. ** Chapter 118 * I had heard it suggested one time that the seasons in the temperate zone should be six rather than four in number: summer, autumn, locking, winter, unlocking, and spring. And I remembered that as I straightened up beside our manhole, and stared and listened and sniffed. There were no smells. There was no movement. Every step I took made a gravelly squeak in blue-white frost. And every squeak was echoed loudly. The season of locking was over. The earth was locked up tight.<br>It was winter, now and forever. ** Chapter 119 * We do, doodley do, doodley do, doodely do,<br>What we must, muddily must, muddily must, muddily must;<br>Muddily do, muddily do, muddily do, muddily do,<br>Until we bust, bodily bust, bodily bust, bodily bust. ** Chapter 119 * “He always said he would never take his own advice, because he knew it was worthless.” ** Said by Mona Aamons about Bokonon; chapter 121 * "It's all so simple, that's all. It solves so much for so many, so simply." ** Said by Mona about suicide; chapter 121 * Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been.' ** Chapter 123 ** This is a variation of the poem "Maud Muller" by [[John Greenleaf Whittier]]: ''"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: "It might have been!"'' * "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." ** Chapter 124 * “As far as I know, Bokononism is the only religion that has any commentary on midgets.” ** Said by Newt Hoenikker; chapter 125 * The hand that stocks the drug stores rules the world. ** Chapter 126 * "If I were a younger man, I would write a history of human stupidity; and I would climb to the top of Mount McCabe and lie down on my back with my history for a pillow; and I would take from the ground some of the blue-white poison that makes statues of men; and I would make a statue of myself, lying on my back, grinning horribly, and thumbing my nose at You Know Who." ** Chapter 127 ** This is the last line in the book. == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Satire books]] [[Category:Metafictional works]] [[Category:Philosophical novels]] [[Category:American novels]] *Kurt Vonnegut* g6uyunfu1azxicqacob2j63roi8lz1j 3944296 3944295 2026-05-22T22:47:01Z ~2026-30763-63 3327600 /* External links */ 3944296 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cat's Cradle|Cat's Cradle]]''''' (1963) is the fourth novel by American writer [[Kurt Vonnegut]]. It explores issues of science, technology, and religion, satirizing the arms race and many other targets along the way. == Quotes == * Nothing in this book is true.<br>"Live by the ''foma''* that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy." — The Books of Bokonon 1:5<br>*Harmless untruths ** epigraph * We Bokononists believe that humanity is organized into teams, teams that do God's Will without ever discovering what they are doing. Such a team is called a ''karass'' by Bokonon ... "If you find your life tangled up with somebody else's life for no very logical reasons," writes Bokonon, "that person may be a member of your karass." At another point in ''The Books of Bokonon'' he tells us, "Man created the checkerboard; God created the ''karass''." By that he means that a karass ignores national, institutional, occupational, familial, and class boundaries. It is as free form as an amoeba. ** Chapters 1 & 2 * All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies. ** First sentence of the ''Book of Bokonon''; chapter 4 * Anyone unable to understand how a useful religion can be founded on lies will not understand this book either.<br>So be it. ** Chapter 4 * Ladies and Gentlemen, I stand before you now because I never stopped dawdling like an eight-year-old on a spring morning on his way to school. Anything can make me stop and look and wonder, and sometimes learn. I am a very happy man. Thank you. ** Dr. Hoenikker's Nobel Prize acceptance speech (in its entirety); chapter 5 * [It] was about the end of the world in the year 2000 ... It told how mad scientists made a terrific bomb that wiped out the whole world. There was a big sex orgy when everybody knew that the world was going to end, and then Jesus Christ Himself appeared ten seconds before the bomb went off. ** Describing a fictitious unpublished novel, ''2000 AD''; chapter 5 * There are lots of good anecdotes about the bomb and Father ... For instance, do you know the story about Father on the day they first tested a bomb out at Alamagordo? After the things went off, after it was a sure thing that America could wipe out a city with just one bomb, a scientist turned to Father and said, 'Science has now known sin.' And do you know what Father said? He said, 'What is sin?' ** Written by Newt Hoenikker, Dr. Hoenniker's younger son; chapter 6 * There is love enough in this world for everybody, if people will just look. ** Chapter 7 * We talked about the Pope and birth control, about Hitler and the Jews. We talked about phonies. We talked about truth. We talked about gangsters; we talked about business. We talked about the nice poor people who went to the electric chair; and we talked about the rich bastards who didn’t. We talked about religious people who had perversions. We talked about a lot of things. ** Chapter 10 * [Dr. Asa Breed] said, the trouble with the world was... that people were still superstitious instead of scientific. He said that if everybody would study science more, there wouldn’t be all the trouble there was. ** Said by Sandra, a prostitute; chapter 11 * "What ''is'' the secret of life?” I asked.<br>“I forget,” said Sandra.<br>“Protein,” the bartender declared. "They found out something about protein."<br>"Yeah," said Sandra, "that's it." ** John, Sandra (a prostitute), and a bartender; chapter 11 * "Ah, God," says Bokonon, "what an ugly city every city is." ** Chapter 13 * My soul seemed as foul as smoke from burning cat fur. ** Chapter 13 * She hated people who thought too much. At that moment, she struck me as an appropriate representative for almost all mankind.<br>The fat woman’s expression implied that she would go crazy on the spot if anybody did any more thinking. ** Chapter 15 * Dr. Hoenikker used to say that any scientist who couldn't explain to an eight-year-old what he was doing was a charlatan. ** Said by Dr. Asa Breed; chapter 15 ** Often expressed as '''Any scientist who can't explain to an eight-year old what he is doing is a charlatan.''' * I smiled at one of the guards. He did not smile back. There was nothing funny about national security, nothing at all. ** Chapter 16 * Naomi Faust (secretary): “I’m indestructible. And even if I did fall, Christmas angels would catch me.”<br>Dr Asa Breed (science administrator): “They’ve been known to miss.” ** chapter 17 * '''New knowledge is the most valuable commodity on earth. The more truth we have to work with, the richer we become.''' ** Chapter 18 * Round and round and round we spin,<br>With feet of lead and wings of tin... ** Chapter 24 * I don't think he was knowable. I mean, when most people talk about knowing somebody a lot or a little, they're talking about secrets they've been told or haven't been told. They're talking about intimate things, family things, love things ... Dr. Hoenikker had all those things in his life, the way every living person has to, but they weren't the main things with him. ... Dr. Breed keeps telling me the main thing with Dr. Hoenikker was truth. ... I just have trouble understanding how truth, all by itself, could be enough for a person. ** Said by Naomi Faust, secretary to Dr. Breed; chapter 25 * There was one [conversation with Dr. Hoenikker] where he bet I couldn't tell him anything that was absolutely true. So I said to him, 'God is love' ... He said, 'What is God? What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, Baby don’t hurt me, no more.’ ** Said by Naomi Faust, secretary to Dr. Breed; chapter 26 * [Lyman Enders] Knowles was insane, I’m almost sure – offensively so, in that he grabbed his own behind and cried, ‘Yes, yes!’ whenever he felt that he'd made a point. ** Chapter 28 * As Bokonon says: "Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God." ** Chapter 31 ** Despite having a definite source, this particular line is misquoted on the Internet in many ways, with "unexpected", "strange", and "unusual" commonly substituted for "peculiar", and "arrangements" for "suggestions". * "It’s a small world," I observed.<br>"When you put it in a cemetery, it is." ** John and Marvin Breed; chapter 31 * ''Busy, busy, busy,'' is what we Bokononists whisper whenever we think of how complicated and unpredictable the machinery of life really is. ** Chapter 32 * “Pretty? ... Mister, when I see my first lady angel, if God ever sees fit to show me one, it’ll be her wings not her face that’ll make my mouth fall open. I’ve already seen the prettiest face that ever could be.” ** About Emily Hoenikker, wife of Dr. Hoenikker; chapter 33 * “Sometimes I wonder if he wasn’t born dead. I never met a man who was less interested in the living. Sometimes I think that’s the trouble with the world: too many people in high places who are stone-cold dead.” ** Said by Marvin Breed about Dr. Hoenikker; chapter 33 * “She said his mind was turned to the biggest music there was, the music of the stars.” ** Marvin Breed quoting Emily Hoenikker about Dr. Hoenikker; chapter 34 * The room seemed to tip, and its walls and ceiling and floor were transformed momentarily into the mouths of many tunnels – tunnels leading in all directions through time. I had a Bokononist vision of the unity in every second of all time and all wandering mankind, all wondering womankind, all wondering children. ** Chapter 34 * My second wife had left me on the grounds that I was too pessimistic for an optimist to live with. ** Chapter 36 * [Hazel Crosby's] obsession with Hoosiers around the world was a textbook example of a false ''karass'', of a seeming team that was meaningless in terms of the ways God gets things done, a textbook example of what Bokonon calls a ''granfalloon''. Other examples are the Communist party, the Daughters of the American Revolution, the General Electric Company, the International Order of Odd Fellows - and any nation, anytime, anywhere.<br>As Bokonon invites us to sing along with him:<br>If you wish to study a ''granfalloon''<br>Just remove the skin of a toy balloon. ** Chapter 42 * The people down there are poor enough and scared enough and ignorant enough to have some common sense! ** Chapter 42 * ... I was very upset about how Americans couldn’t imagine what it was like to be something else, to be something else and proud of it. ** Chapter 44 * Americans... are forever searching for love in forms it never takes, in places it can never be. It must have something to do with the vanished frontier. ** Chapter 44 * "The highest possible form of treason," said [Horlick] Minton, "is to say that Americans aren't loved wherever they go, whatever they do. Claire tried to make the point that American foreign policy should recognize hate rather than imagine love."<br>"I guess Americans ''are'' hated a lot of places."<br>"''People'' are hated a lot of places. Claire pointed out ... that Americans, in being hated, were simply paying the normal penalty for being people, and that they were foolish to think they should somehow be exempted from that penalty. But the loyalty board didn't pay any attention to that. All they knew was that Claire and I both felt that Americans were unloved." ** Chapter 45 * Pay no attention to Caesar. Caesar doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s ''really'' going on. ** Chapter 46 * It was the belief of Bokonon that good societies could be built only by pitting good against evil, and by keeping tension between the two high at all times. ** Chapter 47 * Never index your own book. ** Chapter 55 * Never had I seen a human being better adjusted to such a humiliating physical handicap. I shuddered with admiration. ** About Newt Hoenikker, a midget; chapter 59 * A pissant is somebody who thinks he’s so damn smart, he never can keep his mouth shut. No matter what anybody says, he’s got to argue with it. You say you like something, and, by God, he’ll tell you why you’re wrong to like it. A pissant does his best to make you feel like a boob all the time. No matter what you say, he knows better. ** Chapter 59 * He reported his avocation as: “Being alive.”<br>He reported his principal occupation as: “Being dead.” ** Chapter 61 * The San Lorenzan National Anthem. Its melody was "Home on the Range." The words had been written in 1922 by Lionel Boyd Johnson, by Bokonon. The words were these: "Oh, ours is a land / Where the living is grand, / And the men are fearless as sharks; / The women are pure, / And we always are sure / That our children will all toe their marks. / San, San Lo-ren-zo! / What a rich, lucky island are we! / Our enemies quail, / For they know they will fail / Against people so reverent and free." ** Chapter 63 * Every greedy, unreasonable dream I’d ever had about what a woman should be came true in Mona. There, God love her warm and creamy soul, was peace and plenty forever. ** Chapter 64 * "No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's..."<br>"And?"<br>''"No damn cat, and no damn cradle."'' ** Chapter 74 * People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order, so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say. ** Chapter 76 * Man is vile, and man makes nothing worth making, knows nothing worth knowing. ** Chapter 76 * “Well, when it became evident that no governmental or economic reform was going to make the people much less miserable, the religion became the one real instrument of hope. Truth was the enemy of the people, because the truth was so terrible, so Bokonon made it his business to provide the people with better and better lies. ** Chapter 78 * <p>Tiger got to hunt,<br>Bird got to fly;<br>Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"</p><p>Tiger got to sleep,<br>Bird got to land;<br>Man got to tell himself he understand.</p> ** Chapter 81 * "My God — life! Who can understand even one little minute of it?"<br>"Don't try," [Castle] said. "Just pretend you understand." ** John and Julian Castle; chapter 81 * Her [[w:Glissando|glissandi]] spoke of heaven and hell and all that lay in between. Such music from such a woman could only be the case of schizophrenia or demonic possession. ** Chapter 81 * Little Newt snorted. “Religion!”<br>“Beg your pardon?” Castle said.<br>“See the cat?” asked Newt. “See the cradle?” ** Chapter 81 * If he keeps going at his present rate, working night and day, the number of people he’s saved will equal the number of people he let die – in the year 3010. ** Dr Julian Castle about Dr Schlichter von Koenigswald; chapter 83 * He had made me feel as though my own free will were as irrelevant as the free will of a piggy-wig arriving at the Chicago stockyards. ** Spoken by the character "John" about "Frank Hoenikker"; chapter 85 * I learned of the Bokononists cosmogony .. wherein ''Borasisi'', the sun, held ''Pabu'', the moon, in his arms, and hoped ''Pabu'' would bear him a fiery child. But poor ''Pabu'' gave birth to children that were cold, that did not burn; and ''Borasisi'' threw them away in disgust. Those were the planets who circled their terrible father at a safe distance. Then poor ''Pabu'' herself was cast away, and she went to live with her favourite child, which was Earth. Earth was ''Pabu’s'' favorite because it had people on it; and the people looked up to her and loved her and sympathised.<br>And what opinion did Bokonon hold of his own cosmogony?<br>"''Foma!'' Lies!" he wrote. "A pack of ''foma''!" ** Chapter 85 * “Maturity,” Bokonon tells us, “is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.” ** Chapter 88 * Pay no attention when I laugh .. I'm a notorious pervert in that respect. ** Chapter 89 * “It is not possible to make a mistake,” she assured me. I did not know that this was a customary greeting given by all Bokononists when meeting a shy person. So, I responded with a feverish discussion of whether it was possible to make a mistake or not. ** Chapter 91 * '''Science is magic that ''works''.''' ** Chapter 97 * I agree with one Bokononist idea. I agree that all religions, including Bokononism, are nothing but lies. ** Said by Dr. von Koenigswald; chapter 98 * I am a very bad scientist. I will do anything to make a human being feel better, even if it's unscientific. ** Dr. von Koenigswald, Chapter 98 * "I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done."<br>"Nice going, God!"<br>"Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have."<br>"I feel very unimportant compared to You."<br>"The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around." ** Part of the Bokononist last rites; chapter 99 * When a man becomes a writer, I think he takes on a sacred obligation to produce beauty and enlightenment and comfort at top speed. ** Chapter 103 * "Now I will destroy the whole world." ... It’s what Bokonists always say when they are about to commit suicide. ** Chapter 106 * God never wrote a good play in His life. ** Chapter 107 * I remembered ''The Fourteenth Book of Bokonon'', which I had read in its entirety the night before. ''The Fourteenth Book'' is entitled, "What Can a Thoughtful Man Hope for Mankind on Earth, Given the Experience of the Past Million Years?"<br>It doesn't take long to read ''The Fourteenth Book''. It consists of one word and a period.<br>This is it:<br>"Nothing." ** Chapter 110 * The brainless serenity of charwomen and janitors working late at night came over us. In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean. ** Chapter 111 * Any man can call time out, but no man can say how long the time out will be. ** Chapter 112 * “History,” writes Bokonon. “Read it and weep!” ** Chapter 113 * I am about to do a very un-ambassadorial thing ... I am about to tell you what I really feel. ... We are gathered here, friends ... to honor [the Hundred Martyrs to Democracy], children dead, all dead, all murdered in war. It is customary on days like this to call such lost children ''men''. I am unable to call them men for this simple reason: that in the same war in which [the Martyrs] died, my own son died. My soul insists that I mourn not a man but a child.<br>I do not say that children at war do not die like men, if they have to die. To their everlasting honor and our everlasting shame, they ''do'' die like men, thus making possible the manly jubilation of patriotic holidays.<br>But they are murdered children all same.<br>And I propose to you that if we are to pay our sincere respects to the hundred lost children of [[San Lorenzo]], that we might best spend the day despising what killed them; which is to say, the stupidity and viciousness of all mankind.<br>Perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all day long and grunt like pigs. That would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and shows of flags and well-oiled guns. ... [I]f today is really in honor of a hundred children murdered in war ... is today a day for a thrilling show? The answer is yes, on one condition: that we, the celebrants, are working consciously and tirelessly to reduce the stupidity and viciousness of all mankind. ** Said by Horlick Minton, Chapter 114 * This wreath I bring is a gift from the people of one country to the people of another. Never mind which countries, think of people… ** Said by Horlick Minton, Chapter 114 * There was a sound like that of the gentle closing of a portal as big as the sky, the great door of heaven being closed softly. It was a grand AH-WHOOM. I opened my eyes - and all the sea was ''ice-nine''. The moist green earth was a blue-white pearl. The sky darkened. ... [T]he sun became a sickly yellow ball, tiny and cruel. The sky was filled with [[worms]]. The worms were tornadoes. ** Chapter 116 * And God said, “Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done.” And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man. Mud as man alone could speak. God leaned close as mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke. Man blinked. “What is the purpose of all this?” he asked politely.<br>“Everything must have a purpose?” asked God.<br>“Certainly,” said man.<br>“Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this,” said God.<br>And He went away. ** Chapter 118 * I had heard it suggested one time that the seasons in the temperate zone should be six rather than four in number: summer, autumn, locking, winter, unlocking, and spring. And I remembered that as I straightened up beside our manhole, and stared and listened and sniffed. There were no smells. There was no movement. Every step I took made a gravelly squeak in blue-white frost. And every squeak was echoed loudly. The season of locking was over. The earth was locked up tight.<br>It was winter, now and forever. ** Chapter 119 * We do, doodley do, doodley do, doodely do,<br>What we must, muddily must, muddily must, muddily must;<br>Muddily do, muddily do, muddily do, muddily do,<br>Until we bust, bodily bust, bodily bust, bodily bust. ** Chapter 119 * “He always said he would never take his own advice, because he knew it was worthless.” ** Said by Mona Aamons about Bokonon; chapter 121 * "It's all so simple, that's all. It solves so much for so many, so simply." ** Said by Mona about suicide; chapter 121 * Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been.' ** Chapter 123 ** This is a variation of the poem "Maud Muller" by [[John Greenleaf Whittier]]: ''"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: "It might have been!"'' * "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." ** Chapter 124 * “As far as I know, Bokononism is the only religion that has any commentary on midgets.” ** Said by Newt Hoenikker; chapter 125 * The hand that stocks the drug stores rules the world. ** Chapter 126 * "If I were a younger man, I would write a history of human stupidity; and I would climb to the top of Mount McCabe and lie down on my back with my history for a pillow; and I would take from the ground some of the blue-white poison that makes statues of men; and I would make a statue of myself, lying on my back, grinning horribly, and thumbing my nose at You Know Who." ** Chapter 127 ** This is the last line in the book. == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Satire books]] [[Category:Metafictional works]] [[Category:Philosophical novels]] [[Category:American novels]] af2038wydvhjxpz3gi8ts2ddafo4b8v 0 5645 3944220 3942575 2026-05-22T15:44:31Z ~2026-29139-27 3321829 3944220 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek 2.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Shrek 2|Shrek 2]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Shrek to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres. It is a sequel to the [[Shrek|previous film]]. Produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], streaming on [[w:Universal Pictures|Peacock]]. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], and [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]], [[w:J. David Stem|J. David Stem]], and [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].'' {{center|'''Once Upon Another Time...'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Shrek == * A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm-I'm... ''['''Jill''': Gorgeous.]'' * But I love her. ''['''Fairy Godmother''': If you really love her, you'll let her go.]'' * Nice catch, Donkey. ''['''Puss''': Finally. Good use for your mouth.]'' * There it is, Mongo, to the castle! ''[?]'' No, no, no, no, no, no, ? == Puss in Boots == [[File:Puss in Boots, 2011, Australia-1.jpg|200px|thumb|Haha! Fear me if you dare!]] * Who dares enter my room? * You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. * Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services. Your Majesty. Just tell me where i can find this ogre. * Haha! Fear me if you dare! * Pray from mercy from Puss in Boots! * Finally! A good use for your mouth. * ''['''Guard''': Catnip.]'' That's, uh, not mine. == Fiona == * Dear diary, Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while, must be like some finishing school or something. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my handsome Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family and, we'll all live happily ever after. ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[his first words; narrating in his smoking, romantic, luscious, lustrous, regal, soothing and sexy voice]'' Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the King and Queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. ''[the scene shows a tall slightly muscular Prince Charming in a a cuirass and armor with a Red cape riding on his white horse]'' It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. ''[he rides through a forest, snowy mountains and barren desert for several days,arrives at the Dragon's Keep, an ominous castle surrounded by a moat of lava, but sees that the wooden bridge leading across the lava was destroyed by the Dragon. Uses his bow to shoot a roped arrow to a wooden post on the other side and uses it as a zipline. Looks up at a tower that rises above the rest of the castle, a light shining from its window. He enters the Dragon's Keep]'' For he was ''the'' bravest, ''[takes off his helmet showing his drop-dead gorgeous pretty slim face, bewitching blue eyes, high cheekbones, fair skin, pronounced smashing jawline and strong chin, thick exquisite stunning blonde eyebrows, elegant graceful slender pointy nose and his lips covered in cherry flavored glitter lip gloss forming an alluring bonny winsome ravishing pulchritudinous irresistible and heavenly smile]'' and most handsome... ''[unties his hairnet and shakes in slow motion his Just washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner, beautiful, majestic, glossy, gorgeous, shiny, silky, lustrous, glorious, flowing, marvelous, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck length blonde hair]'' ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss ''[sprays perfume in his mouth to have a good breath]'' would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... ''[continues through the abandoned castle and reaches the princess' tower. enters the princess' room and makes his way to her bed where a figure lays down, obscured by the bed's curtains, pulls the curtain and gasps; the figure is no princess--it's Big Bad Wolf.]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': What? :'''Prince Charming''': Princess... Fiona? :'''Big Bad Wolf''': No! :'''Prince Charming''': Oh, thank heavens. Where is she? :'''Big Bad Wolf''': She's on her honeymoon. :'''Prince Charming''': Honeymoon? With whom?! ---- :'''Shrek''': It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... :'''Donkey''': Two can be as bad as one... :'''Shrek''': Donkey? :'''Donkey''': Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? :'''Shrek''': Donkey, what are you doing here? :'''Donkey''': Oh, I was just taking care of your love nest for you! :'''Shrek''': Oh, you mean like sorting the mail and watering the plants? :'''Donkey''': Yeah, and feeding the fish! :'''Shrek''': I don't have any fish. :'''Donkey''': You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your... ''[mumbling to the "fish"]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, will you look at the time? I guess you'd better be going. :'''Donkey''': Don't you wanna tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? :'''Fiona''': Actually, Donkey, shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? :'''Donkey''': Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. So I thought I'd move back in with you guys! :'''Fiona''': Well, you know, we're always happy to see you, Donkey. :'''Shrek''': But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. :'''Donkey''': Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. :'''Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Donkey''': Yes, roomie? :'''Shrek''': ''You're'' bothering ''me.'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, okay, all right. Cool. Me and Pinocchio were just gonna try to catch a tournament anyway, so maybe I'll see y'all on Sunday for a barbecue or something. ''[heads outside]'' :'''Shrek''': He'll be fine. Now where were we? ''[realizes]'' Oh, I think I remember. ''[leans in to kiss Fiona, but suddenly sees Donkey in front of him]'' Donkey! :'''Donkey''': I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going! Hey, what do you want me to tell those other guys? ---- :'''Messenger''': ''[swats Reggie with the scroll]'' Enough, Reggie. ''[unfolds the scroll]'' "Dearest, Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing upon you ''[looks up to see Shrek]'' and your... uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. ''[closes the scroll]'' aka, Mom and Dad." :'''Fiona''': Mom and Dad? :'''Shrek''': Prince Charming? :'''Donkey''': ''[heads outside]'' Royal ball?! Can I come? :'''Shrek''': We're not going. :'''Fiona and Donkey''': ''[shocked]'' What? :'''Shrek''': I mean, don't you think they might be a bit... shocked to see you like this? :'''Fiona''': Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry, they're gonna love you, too. :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right. Somehow, I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. :'''Fiona''': Will you stop it? They're not like that. :'''Shrek''': Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? :'''Fiona''': Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance! :'''Shrek''': Oh, to do what, sharpen their pitchforks? :'''Fiona''': No, they just want to give you their blessing. :'''Shrek''': Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? :'''Fiona''': Well, if you wanna be a part of this family, yes! :'''Shrek''': And ''who'' says I wanna be a part of this family? :'''Fiona''': Um, ''you'' did, when you married ''me''! :'''Shrek''': Well, there's some fine print for you! :'''Fiona''': ''[sighs exasperatedly]'' So, that's it? You won't come? :'''Shrek''': Trust me, it's a bad idea. We are not going, and ''that's final!'' ---- :''[Shrek gulps at the dinner table. To his sides sits Lillian and Fiona, and across from him sits Harold. Lillian looks around nervously and Harold angrily stares at Shrek. Shrek, unsure of how to eat the food on his plate properly, plops it in his mouth, and grins with the food still stuck in his teeth. Lillian cringes. Fiona tries to sip her drink courteously]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation]'' Oh! Excuse me. :'''Shrek''': Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona? ''[he and Fiona laughed]'' That's good enough... '' [they stopped laughing after neither Harold nor Lillian join in]'' I guess not. :'''Donkey''': ''[from another room]'' What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. ''[bursts into the scene from the kitchen]'' Hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place. ''[sits next to Harold]'' :'''Harold''': ''[angrily]'' No, no! Bad Donkey! Bad, down! :'''Fiona''': No, no, no, Dad! Dad! It’s all right! It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. :'''Donkey''': Yup, that's me: the noble steed. ''[to the server]'' Hey, waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed? :'''Shrek''': Oh, boy. ''[slurps from the bowl]'' :'''Fiona''': Um, Shrek? :'''Shrek''': Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm! :'''Fiona''': No, no, no. Darling. ''[demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lillian''': ''[as the rest does the same]'' So, Fiona, tell us about where you live? :'''Fiona''': Well, Shrek owns his own land. ''[to Shrek]'' Don't you, honey? :'''Shrek''': Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and...cute little duckies and-- :'''Donkey''': What?! ''[laughs]'' I know you ain’t talkin' about the swamp! :'''Shrek''': ''[clenches through his teeth]'' Donkey. :'''Harold''': An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. ''[Donkey dunks his mouth in his bowl and drinks]'' :'''Lillian''': Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children... :''[Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both cough, choke and splutter until Shrek spits out his spoon onto the table.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[chuckles]'' It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? :'''Harold''': Indeed. I just started eating. :'''Lillian''': Harold! :'''Shrek''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Fiona''': Dad, it's great, okay? :'''Harold''': Well, for his type, yes. :'''Shrek''': ''[offended]'' ''My'' type?! :'''Donkey''': ''[starts to leave, nervously]'' Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom. :'''The Chef''': ''[he and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey, lobster, and a roast pig]'' Dinner is-a served! :'''Donkey''': ''[sits back down]'' Never mind, I can hold it. ''[The servers set the food on the table.]'' :'''The Chef''': Bon appetit! :'''Donkey''': Oh, Mexican food! My favorite! :'''Lillian''': Well, let's just not sit here with our tummies rumblin', everybody dig in. :'''Donkey''': Don't mind if I do, Lillian! :'''Harold''': ''[pulls the lobster towards himself before Donkey can take a bite out of it]'' So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be-- :'''Shrek''': ''[pulls the turkey towards him]'' Ogres? ''Yes.'' :'''Lillian''': Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? :'''Harold''': Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't ''[ferociously and savagely stabs the knife into the lobster]'' ''EAT'' your own ''[ferociously and savagely slices open the lobster]'' ''YOUNG!'' :'''Fiona''': Dad! :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who've been… ''[ferociously and savagely rips off both drumsticks from the turkey]'' ''LOCKED'' away in a tower! ''[ferociously and savagely takes a bite out of one drumstick in his left hand]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[begging]'' Shrek, please! :'''Harold''': I only did that because I '''''love''''' her. :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?! ''[ferociously and savagely pulls out a wish bone from the turkey]'' :'''Harold''': You wouldn't understand! You're not her father! :''[Fiona sighs in exasperation and facepalms herself as Shrek and Harold continue to rip apart their food in ferocity and savagery, sending bits and pieces flying across the table.]'' :'''Lillian''': It's so nice to have the family together for dinner. ''[Shrek and Harold stand up from their seats in rage and glare at each other, then ferociously and savagely tug over the roast pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards]'' Harold! :'''Fiona''': Shrek! :'''Shrek''': Fiona?! :'''Harold''': Fiona! :'''Fiona''': Mom! :'''Lillian''': Harold! :'''Donkey''': ''[happily]'' Donkey! :''[The roast pig lands on the table in front of Donkey and Lillian with a thud; Fiona angrily stands up and glares at Harold and Shrek, then runs out of the room, causing Harold to become enraged and Shrek to sigh.]'' ---- :'''Shrek''': Fiona? Fiona?! ''[barges into the room along with Donkey. Fairy Godmother gasps at Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you got a puppy?! All I got in my room was shampoo. :'''Fiona''': Oh, um, Fairy Godmother, furniture, I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[confused]'' Your husband? What did you say? When did this happen? :'''Fiona''': Shrek is the one ''who'' rescued me. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[angrily]'' But that can't be right! :'''Shrek''': ''[wearily]'' Oh, great! More relatives! :'''Fiona''': She's just trying to help. :'''Shrek''': Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. :'''Fiona''': What?! :'''Donkey''': Leaving? I don't wanna leave. :'''Fiona''': When did you decide this? :'''Shrek''': ''[as he is packing]'' Shortly after arrivin'. :'''Fiona''': ''[remorsefully]'' Look, I'm sorry... :'''Fairy Godmother''': No, no, no, that's okay. I need to go anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me, ''[whips out a "Happiness" business card]'' happiness is just a teardrop away. :'''Shrek''': ''[snatches the "Happiness" card from Fairy Godmother; sarcastically]'' Thanks, but we've got ''all'' the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy. :'''Fairy Godmother''': So I see. ''[laughs in a not so good way]'' Let's go, Kyle. ''[Kyle whips the horses on the carriage and he and the Fairy Godmother leaves]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[sarcastically]'' Very nice, Shrek. :'''Shrek''': What? I told you that comin' here was a bad idea. :'''Fiona''': You could have at least tried to get along with my father. :'''Shrek''': You know, somehow, I don't think I was going to get daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. :'''Fiona''': ''[as a bichon Frise starts barking]'' Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? :'''Shrek''': Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?! :'''Fiona''': You're unbelievable! You're behavin' like a... ''[hesitates and sighs]'' :'''Shrek''': Go on, say it! :'''Fiona''': Like an ''OGRE!'' :'''Shrek''': Well, here's a newsflash for you: Whether your parents like it or not, I AM AN OGRE! ''[the puppy barks even louder; Shrek furiously roars at it, scaring the puppy, who covers it's face in fear]'' And guess what, Princess? That's '''''NOT''''' about to change. :'''Fiona''': ''[sadly walks to the door]'' I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. ''[leaves]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[deadpan]'' That's real smooth, Shrek. ''[imitating Shrek]'' ''I'M AN OGRE! UARGH!'' :''[Shrek walks to the door and hears Fiona sob from outside of the bedroom and sighs in guilt, realizing what he has done to hurt her feelings. The camera pans northeast to Harold and Lillian's room.]'' :'''Harold''': ''[after hearing Shrek and Fiona's argument]'' I knew this would happen! :'''Lillian''': You should. You started it. :'''Harold''': I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean, really, he's the ogre, not me. :'''Lillian''': I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. ''This'' is Fiona's choice. :'''Harold''': Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince ''we'' picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... this... thing? :'''Lillian''': Fiona does, and she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. ''[Harold sighs]'' Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young and, oh, we used to walk down by the lily pond, and they were in bloom. :'''Harold''': Our first kiss. IT'S NOT THE SAME! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a MONSTER! :'''Lillian''': Oh, stop bein' such a drama king. :'''Harold''': ''[as Fairy Godmother's carriage approaches]'' Fine! Fine, pretend that there's nothing wrong! La-di-da, di-da, di-da! It's all wonderful! I like to know how could it get any worse! :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[opens the door]'' Hello, Harold. :'''Harold''': ''[scared]'' Aaah! :'''Lillian''': What happened? :'''Harold''': ''[hesitantly]'' Uh, nothing! Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! ''[chuckles]'' I’ll just stretch it out here for a while. ''[closes the balcony door]'' :'''Fairy Godmother''': You better get in. We need to talk. :'''Harold''': Actually, Fairy Godmother, just off to bed. ''[yawns]'' Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about… we make this a quick visit. What? ''[bumps into two of her henchmen, who then get him in the carriage]'' Oh, hello. ---- :'''Harold''': So, what's new? :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[to Harold]'' You remember my son, Prince Charming? ''[shows him sitting next to her]'' :'''Harold''': Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When, uh... When did you get back? :'''Prince Charming''': Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. ''[enraged]'' After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower-- :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[cuts him off]'' Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. ''[to King Harold, using the same tone he used earlier]'' He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that ''his'' princess… '''''is already married!''''' :'''Harold''': ''[stammers]'' I mean, it wasn't my fault; He didn't get there in time. :'''Fairy Godmother''': '''''STOP THE CAR!''' [the carriage screeches to a stop]'' Harold... ''[two of her henchmen crack their knuckles as the window rolls down]'' You forced me to do something I '''''really''''' don't want to do. :'''Harold''': ''[gasps]'' Where are we? :''[It is revealed that the carriage has pulled up at a fast-food restaurant drive-thru.]'' :'''Fast-food Clerk''': ''[cheerfully]'' Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order? :'''Fairy Godmother''': My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. ''[to the fast-food clerk]'' Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo... chili rings... :'''Prince Charming''': I'll have the medieval meal. :'''Fairy Godmother''': One medieval meal and, Harold, curly fries? :'''Harold''': No, thank you. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want? :'''Harold''': No, really. I'm fine. :'''Fast-food Clerk''': ''[gives Fairy Godmother their meals]'' Your order, Fairy Godmother. ''[also gives her a free double-headed toy axe]'' And ''this'' comes with the medieval meal. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[gives the axe to Charming]'' Here you are, dear. ''[the carriage flies away]'' You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. :'''Harold''': ''[sighs deeply]'' Indeed not. :'''Fairy Godmother''': So, Fiona and Charming ''will be together''. :'''Harold''': ''[doubtfully]'' Yes. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Oh, believe me, Harold. It's what's best, not only for your daughter,... ''[takes a bite of her wrap and talks with her mouth full]'' But for your kingdom. :''[The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of her henchmen shoves Harold out]'' :'''Harold''': Well, what am ''I'' supposed to do about it? :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[tosses the double-headed toy axe into his hands]'' Use your imagination. ''[flies off]'' ---- :'''Harold''': Uh, no. You must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. ''[said Ugly Stepsister reveals herself]'' Ah. There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. :'''Ugly Stepsister''': Who's the guy? :'''Harold''': Um, he's not a guy, per se, um, he's ''[whispers]'' an ''ogre''. :''[The entire bar gasp at Harold saying "ogre"; the piano stops playing.]'' :'''Ugly Stepsister''': Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly… he don't like to be ''disturbed''. :'''Harold''': Where could I find him? ''[heads to the backroom and knocks, slowly opens the door]'' Uh, hello? ''[sees a pair of black boots beside the shining window]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Who dares enter my room? :'''Harold''': Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. But I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre... problem. :'''Puss in Boots''': You are told correct. ''[scoffs]'' But for this, I charge a great deal of money. :'''Harold''': Would this be enough? ''[places a bag of coins on the table]'' :''[Puss in Boots stands up and raises his sword to slice off the string, causing gold coins to spill out of the sack.]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services. ''[grins]'' Your Majesty. Just tell me: Where I can find this ogre? ---- :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[is an orange cat wearing black hat and cape]'' Ha-ha. Fear me, if you dare. ''[hisses]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, look, a little cat. :'''Donkey''': ''[sees the sword in Puss' paws]'' Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! :'''Shrek''': It's a cat, Donkey. Come here little, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. Kitty. ''[Puss screeches and attacks Shrek and he screams]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[gasps in shock]'' Hold on, Shrek! :'''Shrek''': GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OH, GOD! :'''Donkey''': Shrek, hold still! ''[kicks the Shrek's bottom and moans]'' Did I miss? :'''Shrek''': ''[painfully]'' No, you got him. :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[after he attacks Shrek]'' Now ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... ''[slashes "P" on the tree]'' Puss... in Boots! :'''Shrek''': ''[groans]'' I'll kill that cat! :'''Donkey''': No! :'''Puss in Boots''': Ah-ha-ha-ha! ''[drops the sword, then starts heaves for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey; spits out the hairball and coughs]'' Phew. ''[chuckles]'' Hairball. :'''Donkey''': ''[disgusted]'' Oh, that is nasty! :'''Shrek''': ''[picks up Puss by the back of the neck]'' What do you reckon we should do with him? :'''Donkey''': I say we take the sword and neuter him right here; Give him the Bob Barker treatment! :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers- :'''Shrek''': ''[covers Puss' mouth with his finger]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? :'''Puss in Boots''': The rich king? Sí. ''[Shrek drops him to the ground, who screeches]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[sighs]'' Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. :'''Donkey''': Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. :'''Shrek''': ''[sits on the rock]'' Gee, thanks. ''[looks down at the river reflection and sighs]'' Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. :'''Puss in Boots''': Sí, that's what the king said. ''[Donkey glares angrily]'' Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. :'''Donkey''': ''[walks over to Shrek]'' Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. :'''Shrek''': Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. ''[pauses out; to Donkey]'' Hold the phone... ''[pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card]'' "Happiness." ''[flips it over]'' "A tear drop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! :'''Donkey''': Oh, man, where do I begin? Well first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he had the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beatin' me with a stick going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?! :'''Shrek''': No, Donkey, I need you to cry! :'''Donkey''': Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin' bad, but you gotta let your own- ''[Puss angrily stomps on his hoof]'' '''''OW!!!!!!!!!''''' ''[tearfully]'' You little hairy litter-licking sack of... ''[Donkey's tears shed and Shrek lets it drop onto the card, conjuring a bubble with Fairy Godmother in it]'' :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing]'' What? Is it on? Is it on? ''[clears her throat]'' This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After! ''[the bubble pops]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohhh. :'''Shrek''': Are you up for a little quest, Donkey? :'''Donkey''': That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! ''[singing]'' Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move! :'''Puss in Boots''': Stop, ogre! ''[bows to Shrek]'' I have misjudged you. :'''Shrek''': Join the club. We've got jackets. :'''Puss in Boots''': On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine. :'''Donkey''': I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! ''[sees Shrek walking to Puss]'' Shrek? ''[slightly pauses; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look; Shrek smiles]'' Shrek! :'''Shrek''': Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him; in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him! :'''Donkey''': Say what?! ''[Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness; groans in frustration]'' :'''Shrek''': Aw, listen. He’s purring! :'''Donkey''': Oh, so now it's cute! :'''Shrek''': Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up. :'''Donkey''': Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up! ---- :''[Shrek, Donkey, and Puss arrive at the Fairy Godmother's potion factory]'' :'''Shrek''': Hi. I'm here to see... :'''Jerome''': The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[from the gramophone intercom]'' Jerome! Coffee and a monte Christo, now. :'''Jerome''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. ''[to Shrek]'' Look, she's not seeing any client today, okay? :'''Shrek''': That's okay, buddy. We're from the union. :'''Jerome''': The union? :'''Shrek''': We represent the workers in all magical industries both evil and benign. :'''Jerome''': Oh, oh, right. :'''Shrek''': Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed? :'''Jerome''': Uh... ''[turns the gramophone intercom away from him]'' A little. W-We don't even have dental. :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers to Donkey]'' They don't even have dental. ''[to Jerome]'' Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh? :'''Donkey''': Hmm? :'''Shrek''': Huh? :'''Donkey''': Huh? Huh?! '''''HUH?!?!''''' :'''Shrek''': Stop it! :'''Jerome''': Of course. Go right in. ---- :'''Fairy Godmother''': Ah, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh... "Princess"! ''Cinderella''. Here we are: "Lived happily ever after." Oh. ''[fake chuckles]'' No ogres. Let's see. ''Snow White''. "A handsome prince." Ah, no ogres. ''Sleeping Beauty''. Oh, no ogres. ''Hansel and Gretel''. No. ''Thumbelina''. No! ''The Golden Bird'', ''The Little Mermaid'', ''Pretty Woman''. No, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. :'''Shrek''': Alright, look, lady! :'''Fairy Godmother''': Don't you point those dirty green sausages at me! ''[pushes his finger out of her face]'' :'''Worker''': Your Monte Christo and coffee. Oh! Sorry. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Just… go. :'''Shrek''': Come on, guys. ''[leaves]'' ---- :'''Donkey''': Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm sure nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems! :'''Puss in Boots''': Elfa Seltzer. :'''Shrek''': Uh-uh. :'''Puss in Boots''': Hex Lax. :'''Shrek''': No. Try "handsome". :'''Puss in Boots''': Sorry, no handsome. ''[finds a blue potion bottle labeled; "Happily Ever After" in the restricted shelf]'' Hey, how about Happily Ever After? :'''Shrek''': Well, what does it do? :'''Puss in Boots''': It says "Beauty Divine". :'''Donkey''': In some creatures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of all creatures. Especially us talking ones. :'''Shrek''': Donkey! Then we'll have to. We got company. :'''Donkey''': Will you get on with this. :'''Shrek''': Hurry! ''[Puss pulls the blue potion, but drops it]'' Nice catch, Donkey. :'''Puss in Boots''': Finally! A good use for your mouth. ''[More colors of potions drop, the siren sounds, and the door begins to close.]'' :'''Shrek''': Come on! ---- :'''Prince Charming''': What?! Where is he, mum? ''[raises his sword due to the incident of Fairy Godmother's potion factory]'' I shall rend their heads from their shoulders! I will smite them where he stabs. He will rue the very day HE STOLE MY KINGDOM FROM ME! ---- :''[After escaping Fairy Godmother's potion factory]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[reading the potion bottle]'' "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." :'''Donkey''': ''[confused]'' You both will be fine? :'''Shrek''': I guess it means it'll affect Fiona too. ''[opens the potion bottle]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o' voodoo, and let’s get out of here. :'''Shrek''': It says, "beauty divine". How bad can it be? ''[sniffs the potion and sneezes]'' :'''Donkey''': A-ha! See, You're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub all over your chest, think again! :'''Puss in Boots''': Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you. :'''Donkey''': Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there'll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle. ''[snatches the potion bottle from Shrek's hands with his mouth and starts drinking it, but Shrek snatches it back from Donkey]'' :'''Shrek''': How do you feel? :'''Donkey''': I don't ''feel'' any different. Do I look any different? :'''Puss in Boots''': You still look like an ass to me. :'''Shrek''': Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona. :'''Donkey''': Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. :'''Shrek''': I know. :'''Donkey''': No more wallowing in the mud? :'''Shrek''': I know. :'''Donkey''': No more itchy butt crack? :'''Shrek''': I know! :'''Donkey''': But you love being an ogre! :'''Shrek''': ''I know!'' ''[sighs]'' But I love Fiona more. ''[starts chugging the potion]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! ''[Shrek swallows the potion, then feels his stomach gurglin'. Donkey and Puss hides behind the rock, then Shrek farts]'' Got to be... Shrek, I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. :'''Puss in Boots''': Maybe it's a dud. :'''Shrek''': Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. :''[Dark storm clouds appear above Shrek, Donkey and Puss.]'' :'''Donkey''': Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! ''[rain starts pouring, soaking the trio and getting them wet]'' Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy! '''I'm melting!''' '''''I'M MELTING!!''''' :'''Shrek''': It's just the rain, Donkey. :''[Donkey chuckles as they head to a barn for some shelter. The blue ooze from Shrek's sneeze reaction on the mushroom transforms into a flower rose.]'' ---- :''[After Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrived at the barn for shelter for the night]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, don't worry. Things seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. ''[Puss hisses at him]'' It'll be better in the morning. You'll see. ''[sings, then gets dizzy]'' The sun'll come out... Tomorrow... Bet your bottom... :'''Shrek''': Bet my bottom? :'''Donkey''': [[w:Sanford and Son|I'm comin', Elizabeth!]] ''[faints]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey? A-Are you all right? :'''Puss in Boots''': Hey, boss. Let's shave him. :'''Shrek''': ''[gets dizzy]'' D-Donkey...? ''[groans and faints and land on Puss’ tail as he yowls off-screen]'' ---- :''[Later this morning, the Jill and maidens woke up]'' :'''Jill''': Good morning, sleepyhead. :'''Maidans''': Good morning! We lover your kitty. :'''Shrek''': Oh, my head. ---- :''[Fiona looks at the reflection, realizing she is a human again, and screams.]'' :'''Shrek''': Fiona! :'''Fiona''': Shrek? ---- :''[the Fairy Godmother raises her wand and doors close, the Chest of Drawers blocks Shrek's way]'' :'''Talking Chest Drawer''': You wanna dance, pretty boy? ---- :'''Doris''': There you go, boys. :'''Puss in Boots''': Just leave the bottle, Doris. :'''Doris''': Hey, why the long face? :'''Shrek''': It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. :'''Puss in Boots''': I hate Mondays. :'''Donkey''': I can't believe you're just gonna walk away from the best thing that happened to you. :'''Shrek''': What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. :'''Donkey''': Aw, come on, Shrek. Is he really that good-looking? :'''Doris''': Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. :'''Puss in Boots''': Oh, he sounds dreamy. :'''Shrek''': You know, shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. ''[sighs]'' Look, guys, it's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. :'''Donkey''': Except you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. :'''Shrek''': Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. :'''Harold''': Um, excuse me. Is she here? :'''Doris''': She's, uh, in the back. :'''Harold''': Oh, hello again! ---- :'''Harold''': Fairy Godmother. Charming. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. :'''Harold''': Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. :'''Prince Charming''': Um, FYI, not my fault. :'''Fairy Godmother''': No, no, of course it's not, dear. :'''Prince Charming''': I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend that I'm that dreadful ogre? :'''Harold''': No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? :'''Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming''': ''[in unison; shocked]'' What?! :'''Harold''': I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love! :'''Fairy Godmother''': Oh, I beg to differ. I do it all the time. ''[pulls out the Love Potion 9 vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it]'' Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. :'''Harold''': Umm, no. :'''Fairy Godmother''': What did you say? :'''Harold''': ''[stutters]'' I...I...I can't. I...I won't do it. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can '''''take''''' it away just as easily. ''[sticks her wand in his face]'' Is that what you want? Is it? :'''Harold''': No. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[puts down her wand]'' Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know he's all high in the front, he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair. :'''Prince Charming''': Oh. Thank you, mother. :'''Donkey''': ''[from outside the window; shocked]'' MOTHER?! ''[Fairy Godmother, Charming and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey and Puss outside the window, hearing everything]'' :'''Shrek''': Um, Mary! A talking horse! :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[enraged]'' The ogre! ''[Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple; flies after them, telling the knights to get them] '''STOP THEM! THEIVES! BANDITS! STOP THEM!!!''''' ---- :'''Harold''': Darling? Ah, I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? :'''Fiona''': I'm not going. :'''Harold''': But the whole kingdom’s turned out to celebrate your marriage. :'''Fiona''': There's just one problem: That’s not my husband.''[sees Prince Charming]'' I mean, look at him! :'''Harold''': Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love you’d be surprised how much I change for your mother change. :'''Fiona''': "Change"? ''[about Prince Charming]'' He's completely lost his mind. :'''Harold''': Honey, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek. :'''Fiona''': But it's the ''old'' one I fell in love with, dad! :'''Harold''': Uh, honey, that’s mine. Decaf. Otherwise, I'm up all night. :'''Fiona''': Thanks. ---- :'''Donkey''': ''[screaming]'' I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! YOU CAN'T LOCK US LIKE THIS! LET ME GO! WHAT ABOUT MY MIRANDA RIGHTS?! You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." '''*NOBODY SAID I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!!!*''' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, you ''have'' the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[camera shows just him]'' I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. :'''Pinocchio''': Shrek? Donkey? :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him]'' Too late. :'''Shrek''': Gingy, Pinocchio, get us out of here! ---- :'''Shrek''': Quick, tell a lie! :'''Pinocchio''': What should I say? :'''Gingy''': Anything, but quick! :'''Donkey''': Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!" :'''Pinocchio''': I'm wearing ladies underwear. :''[But nothing happens; he is telling the truth]'' :'''Shrek''': Are you? :'''Pinocchio''': I most certainly am not! ''[his nose extends]'' :'''Mini Donkey''': It looks like you most certainly am are! :'''Pinocchio''': I am not! ''[his nose extends more]'' :'''Puss''': What kind? :'''Gingy''': It's a thong! ''[pulls at his pink thong and lets it slap back]'' :'''Pinocchio''': Ow! They're briefs! :'''Gingy''': ''[takes the key and runs across Pinocchio's nose as it continues to extend with each denial]'' Are not! :'''Pinocchio''': Are too! :'''Gingy''' Are not! :'''Pinocchio''': Are too! :'''Gingy''': ''[reaches Shrek and uses the key to free Shrek, Donkey, and Puss]'' Alright, here we go. Hang tight. :''[Shrek lands his feet on the cell floor, followed by Puss.]'' :'''Donkey''': Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! ''[lands on his back on the cell floor]'' Ow! ''[Shrek looks at the Far Far Away palace from outside the window]'' :'''Blind Mouse''': ''[muffled; to Puss]'' Excuse me?! :'''Shrek''': ''[hears a muffled voice]'' What? ''[sees the mouse's tail sticking out from Puss' mouth; shocked]'' Puss! :'''Puss in Boots''': Hmm? :'''Blind Mouse''': Pardon me? Would you mind letting me go? :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[spits Blind Mouse out; sheepishly]'' Sorry, boss. :'''Shrek''': Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss! :'''Donkey''': I thought you were gonna let her go. :'''Shrek''': I was, but I can't let him do this to Fiona. :'''Donkey''': Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's finally coming around! :'''Puss in Boots''': It's impossible! We'll never get in. The castle is guarded and there is a moat and everything! :'''Gingy''': Well, folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a popsicle stick. ''[pausing; Shrek looks at him]'' What? :'''Shrek''': Do you still know the muffin man? :'''Gingy''': Well, sure. He's down on Drury Lane. Why? :'''Shrek''': Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour. ---- :''[Shrek and Gingy arrive at the bakery, where Shrek knocks on the door. The muffin man opens the door.] :'''Muffin Man''': ''[surprised]'' Gingy! :'''Gingy''': Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man. We've got a big order to fill! :''[cut to the outside of the bakery, thunder clapping is seen, and deep laughter is heard.] :'''Gingy''': [[Frankenstein (1910 film)|IT'S ALIVE!]] ---- :''[Shrek and Donkey barged into the ball to rescue Fiona.]'' :'''Shrek''': Stop! ''[to Charming]'' Hey, ''you!'' Back away from ''my'' wife! :'''Fiona''': ''[puzzled]'' Shrek? ''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''You'' couldn't just go back to ''your'' swamp and ''leave'' well enough alone! :'''Shrek''': ''[to the three little pigs]'' NOW! ---- :'''Fairy Godmother''': Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! :'''Harold''': Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[his last words]'' Mommy ''[grabs the wand from Puss and throws to Fairy Godmother]'' :'''Fiona''': Mommy? :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[catches her wand and growls; last and final words before her defeat]'' I told you, ogres don't live ''HAPPILY EVER '''AFTER!''''' :'''Lillian''': Harold! :'''Fiona''': Shrek! :'''Harold''': ''NO!'' ''[a transformation into a frog zaps his armor. Floats way up, checking to make sure and raises her wand, then disappears, turning into an explosion burst bubbles, only leaving her wand and her broken glasses that fell on the ground]'' :'''Fiona''': Oh, Dad! ''[cries]'' :'''Pinocchio''': Is he... :'''Gingy''': Yep. :''[a frog ribbit is heard]'' He croaked. :'''Lillian''': Harold? :'''Fiona''': Dad? :'''Harold''': I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, and he gave you a hard time. :'''Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Harold''': No, no, he's right. I'm sorry to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But now I can see she finally has it. Shrek, Fiona, will you accept an old frog's apologies and my blessing? ---- :''[The clock strucks midnight]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': Boss! The Happily Ever After potion! :'''Shrek''': Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? :'''Fiona''': What? :'''Shrek''': Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. :'''Fiona''': You'd do that? For me? :'''Shrek''': Yes. :'''Fiona''': I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after... ''[Shrek starts to lean a little closer to kiss her, but she puts her hand on his mouth]'' With the ogre I married. ''[Shrek smiles]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! ''[starts to sob quietly]'' :''[Shrek and Fiona hold there hands and the levitate, and Donkey too. They begin to glow blue, suddenly, the blue glow turns gold, Lillian, Harold and the Fairytale Creatures watches Shrek, Fiona, Donkey break the spell. Shrek, Fiona, Donkey goes down to the ground]'' :'''Gingy''': Wow! ---- :''[last lines; post credits]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[singing]'' [[w:All by Myself|All by myself, Don't wanna be all by myself... anymore]] :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[enters with two ladies]'' ''Amigo.'' We are off to the [[w:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]] club. Come on, join us. :'''Donkey''': Thanks, compadre. I'm... I'm not in the mood. :'''Puss in Boots''': We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro! ''[a roar is heard]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[delighted]'' Hey, baby! ''[the Dragon from the [[Shrek|first film]] flies in the scene.]'' Hey, that's my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? ''[Dragon cries]'' I’m sorry, too. I should've stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious? ''[a baby dronkey flies in]'' :'''Dronkey''': Papa! :'''Donkey''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!''''' ''[One breathes fire which Donkey avoids, the baby dronkeys fly in to hug him. Donkey laughs.]'' Look at our little mutant babies! ''[the Dragon blows a pink heart-shaped smoke, the scene cuts to black.]'' I gotta get a job. ==''Far Far Away Idol''== :'''[[Simon Cowell]]''': You're on fire, Donkey. :'''Shrek''': No, you're really on fire! ---- :'''Simon Cowell''': Come on, get real, Pinocchio. :'''Shrek''': I find his performance quite wooden, actually. ''[laughs]'' Wooden. ---- :'''Simon Cowell''': ''[as Fiona plants a floor trap on Prince Charming while Shrek holds the red button]'' That's the artist formally known as Prince Charming. ---- :'''Fiona''': ''[watching Gingy & Tinker Bell dance and form a tune to The Archies "Sugar"]'' They're so sweet together. :'''Simon Cowell''': I just knew you'd say that, Fiona. ''[groans]'' What's next, a singing donut? ---- :'''Simon Cowell''': The cat's got my tongue, and possibly my vote. ''[notices Shrek and Fiona are not in their seats]'' Ugh. Always breaking the rules! ==Cast== * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]] (speaking voice) ** [[w:Michael Gough|Michael Gough]] – [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]] (singing voice) * [[Eddie Murphy]] — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * [[Cameron Diaz]] — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * [[Julie Andrews]] — Queen Lillian * [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] — [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]] * [[John Cleese]] — King Harold * [[Rupert Everett]] — Prince Charming * [[w:Jennifer Saunders|Jennifer Saunders]] — [[w:Fairy Godmother (Shrek)|The Fairy Godmother]] * [[Frank Welker]] — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]], Dronkeys * [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] — Big Bad Wolf * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] — Pinocchio, Three Pigs * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — Gingy, Muffin Man, Mongo * [[w:Christopher Knights|Chris Knights]] — Blind Mouse * [[Larry King]] — Ugly Stepsister * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] — Magic Mirror * [[Joan Rivers|Joan Rivers — Herself]] == See also == * ''[[Shrek]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2: The Last Wish]]'' ==Taglines== * In Summer 2004, They're Back for More. * Once Upon Another Time... * Not So Far, Far Away. == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0298148|title=Shrek 2}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:2004 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2004 American animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Stillman]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Animated films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Fairy films]] [[Category:Conrad Vernon films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about potions]] 7i90c7o9qx7dmjfhtbr0kq75kof9cx4 3944293 3944220 2026-05-22T22:37:14Z Ggianoli 2959320 3944293 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek 2.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Shrek 2|Shrek 2]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] in which Princess Fiona's parents invite her and Shrek to dinner to celebrate her marriage, not knowing that the newlyweds are both ogres. It is a sequel to the [[Shrek|previous film]]. Produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], streaming on [[w:Universal Pictures|Peacock]]. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Kelly Asbury|Kelly Asbury]], and [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]. Written by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]], [[w:J. David Stem|J. David Stem]], and [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].'' {{center|'''Once Upon Another Time...'''([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Shrek == * A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm-I'm... ''['''Jill''': Gorgeous.]'' * But I love her. ''['''Fairy Godmother''': If you really love her, you'll let her go.]'' * Nice catch, Donkey. ''['''Puss''': Finally. Good use for your mouth.]'' * There it is, Mongo, to the castle! ''[?]'' No, no, no, no, no, no, ? == Puss in Boots == [[File:Puss in Boots, 2011, Australia-1.jpg|200px|thumb|Haha! Fear me if you dare!]] * Who dares enter my room? * You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. * Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services. Your Majesty. Just tell me where i can find this ogre. * Haha! Fear me if you dare! * Pray from mercy from Puss in Boots! * Finally! A good use for your mouth. * ''['''Guard''': Catnip.]'' That's, uh, not mine. == Fiona == * Dear diary, Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while, must be like some finishing school or something. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my handsome Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family and, we'll all live happily ever after. ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[his first words; narrating in his smoking, romantic, luscious, lustrous, regal, soothing and sexy voice]'' Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the King and Queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. ''[the scene shows a tall slightly muscular Prince Charming in a a cuirass and armor with a Red cape riding on his white horse]'' It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. ''[he rides through a forest, snowy mountains and barren desert for several days,arrives at the Dragon's Keep, an ominous castle surrounded by a moat of lava, but sees that the wooden bridge leading across the lava was destroyed by the Dragon. Uses his bow to shoot a roped arrow to a wooden post on the other side and uses it as a zipline. Looks up at a tower that rises above the rest of the castle, a light shining from its window. He enters the Dragon's Keep]'' For he was ''the'' bravest, ''[takes off his helmet showing his drop-dead gorgeous pretty slim face, bewitching blue eyes, high cheekbones, fair skin, pronounced smashing jawline and strong chin, thick exquisite stunning blonde eyebrows, elegant graceful slender pointy nose and his lips covered in cherry flavored glitter lip gloss forming an alluring bonny winsome ravishing pulchritudinous irresistible and heavenly smile]'' and most handsome... ''[unties his hairnet and shakes in slow motion his Just washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner, beautiful, majestic, glossy, gorgeous, shiny, silky, lustrous, glorious, flowing, marvelous, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck length blonde hair]'' ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss ''[sprays perfume in his mouth to have a good breath]'' would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... ''[continues through the abandoned castle and reaches the princess' tower. enters the princess' room and makes his way to her bed where a figure lays down, obscured by the bed's curtains, pulls the curtain and gasps; the figure is no princess--it's Big Bad Wolf.]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': What? :'''Prince Charming''': Princess... Fiona? :'''Big Bad Wolf''': No! :'''Prince Charming''': Oh, thank heavens. Where is she? :'''Big Bad Wolf''': She's on her honeymoon. :'''Prince Charming''': Honeymoon? With whom?! ---- :'''Shrek''': It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... :'''Donkey''': Two can be as bad as one... :'''Shrek''': Donkey? :'''Donkey''': Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? :'''Shrek''': Donkey, what are you doing here? :'''Donkey''': Oh, I was just taking care of your love nest for you! :'''Shrek''': Oh, you mean like sorting the mail and watering the plants? :'''Donkey''': Yeah, and feeding the fish! :'''Shrek''': I don't have any fish. :'''Donkey''': You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your... ''[mumbling to the "fish"]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, will you look at the time? I guess you'd better be going. :'''Donkey''': Don't you wanna tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? :'''Fiona''': Actually, Donkey, shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? :'''Donkey''': Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. So I thought I'd move back in with you guys! :'''Fiona''': Well, you know, we're always happy to see you, Donkey. :'''Shrek''': But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. :'''Donkey''': Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. :'''Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Donkey''': Yes, roomie? :'''Shrek''': ''You're'' bothering ''me.'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, okay, all right. Cool. Me and Pinocchio were just gonna try to catch a tournament anyway, so maybe I'll see y'all on Sunday for a barbecue or something. ''[heads outside]'' :'''Shrek''': He'll be fine. Now where were we? ''[realizes]'' Oh, I think I remember. ''[leans in to kiss Fiona, but suddenly sees Donkey in front of him]'' Donkey! :'''Donkey''': I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going! Hey, what do you want me to tell those other guys? ---- :'''Messenger''': ''[swats Reggie with the scroll]'' Enough, Reggie. ''[unfolds the scroll]'' "Dearest, Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing upon you ''[looks up to see Shrek]'' and your... uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. ''[closes the scroll]'' aka, Mom and Dad." :'''Fiona''': Mom and Dad? :'''Shrek''': Prince Charming? :'''Donkey''': ''[heads outside]'' Royal ball?! Can I come? :'''Shrek''': We're not going. :'''Fiona and Donkey''': ''[shocked]'' What? :'''Shrek''': I mean, don't you think they might be a bit... shocked to see you like this? :'''Fiona''': Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry, they're gonna love you, too. :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right. Somehow, I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. :'''Fiona''': Will you stop it? They're not like that. :'''Shrek''': Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? :'''Fiona''': Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance! :'''Shrek''': Oh, to do what, sharpen their pitchforks? :'''Fiona''': No, they just want to give you their blessing. :'''Shrek''': Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? :'''Fiona''': Well, if you wanna be a part of this family, yes! :'''Shrek''': And ''who'' says I wanna be a part of this family? :'''Fiona''': Um, ''you'' did, when you married ''me''! :'''Shrek''': Well, there's some fine print for you! :'''Fiona''': ''[sighs exasperatedly]'' So, that's it? You won't come? :'''Shrek''': Trust me, it's a bad idea. We are not going, and ''that's final!'' ---- :''[Shrek gulps at the dinner table. To his sides sits Lillian and Fiona, and across from him sits Harold. Lillian looks around nervously and Harold angrily stares at Shrek. Shrek, unsure of how to eat the food on his plate properly, plops it in his mouth, and grins with the food still stuck in his teeth. Lillian cringes. Fiona tries to sip her drink courteously]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation]'' Oh! Excuse me. :'''Shrek''': Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona? ''[he and Fiona laughed]'' That's good enough... '' [they stopped laughing after neither Harold nor Lillian join in]'' I guess not. :'''Donkey''': ''[from another room]'' What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. ''[bursts into the scene from the kitchen]'' Hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place. ''[sits next to Harold]'' :'''Harold''': ''[angrily]'' No, no! Bad Donkey! Bad, down! :'''Fiona''': No, no, no, Dad! Dad! It’s all right! It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. :'''Donkey''': Yup, that's me: the noble steed. ''[to the server]'' Hey, waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed? :'''Shrek''': Oh, boy. ''[slurps from the bowl]'' :'''Fiona''': Um, Shrek? :'''Shrek''': Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm! :'''Fiona''': No, no, no. Darling. ''[demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Lillian''': ''[as the rest does the same]'' So, Fiona, tell us about where you live? :'''Fiona''': Well, Shrek owns his own land. ''[to Shrek]'' Don't you, honey? :'''Shrek''': Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and...cute little duckies and-- :'''Donkey''': What?! ''[laughs]'' I know you ain’t talkin' about the swamp! :'''Shrek''': ''[clenches through his teeth]'' Donkey. :'''Harold''': An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. ''[Donkey dunks his mouth in his bowl and drinks]'' :'''Lillian''': Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children... :''[Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both cough, choke and splutter until Shrek spits out his spoon onto the table.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[chuckles]'' It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? :'''Harold''': Indeed. I just started eating. :'''Lillian''': Harold! :'''Shrek''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Fiona''': Dad, it's great, okay? :'''Harold''': Well, for his type, yes. :'''Shrek''': ''[offended]'' ''My'' type?! :'''Donkey''': ''[starts to leave, nervously]'' Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom. :'''The Chef''': ''[he and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey, lobster, and a roast pig]'' Dinner is-a served! :'''Donkey''': ''[sits back down]'' Never mind, I can hold it. ''[The servers set the food on the table.]'' :'''The Chef''': Bon appetit! :'''Donkey''': Oh, Mexican food! My favorite! :'''Lillian''': Well, let's just not sit here with our tummies rumblin', everybody dig in. :'''Donkey''': Don't mind if I do, Lillian! :'''Harold''': ''[pulls the lobster towards himself before Donkey can take a bite out of it]'' So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be-- :'''Shrek''': ''[pulls the turkey towards him]'' Ogres? ''Yes.'' :'''Lillian''': Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? :'''Harold''': Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't ''[ferociously and savagely stabs the knife into the lobster]'' ''EAT'' your own ''[ferociously and savagely slices open the lobster]'' ''YOUNG!'' :'''Fiona''': Dad! :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who've been… ''[ferociously and savagely rips off both drumsticks from the turkey]'' ''LOCKED'' away in a tower! ''[ferociously and savagely takes a bite out of one drumstick in his left hand]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[begging]'' Shrek, please! :'''Harold''': I only did that because I '''''love''''' her. :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?! ''[ferociously and savagely pulls out a wish bone from the turkey]'' :'''Harold''': You wouldn't understand! You're not her father! :''[Fiona sighs in exasperation and facepalms herself as Shrek and Harold continue to rip apart their food in ferocity and savagery, sending bits and pieces flying across the table.]'' :'''Lillian''': It's so nice to have the family together for dinner. ''[Shrek and Harold stand up from their seats in rage and glare at each other, then ferociously and savagely tug over the roast pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards]'' Harold! :'''Fiona''': Shrek! :'''Shrek''': Fiona?! :'''Harold''': Fiona! :'''Fiona''': Mom! :'''Lillian''': Harold! :'''Donkey''': ''[happily]'' Donkey! :''[The roast pig lands on the table in front of Donkey and Lillian with a thud; Fiona angrily stands up and glares at Harold and Shrek, then runs out of the room, causing Harold to become enraged and Shrek to sigh.]'' ---- :'''Shrek''': Fiona? Fiona?! ''[barges into the room along with Donkey. Fairy Godmother gasps at Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you got a puppy?! All I got in my room was shampoo. :'''Fiona''': Oh, um, Fairy Godmother, furniture, I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[confused]'' Your husband? What did you say? When did this happen? :'''Fiona''': Shrek is the one ''who'' rescued me. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[angrily]'' But that can't be right! :'''Shrek''': ''[wearily]'' Oh, great! More relatives! :'''Fiona''': She's just trying to help. :'''Shrek''': Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. :'''Fiona''': What?! :'''Donkey''': Leaving? I don't wanna leave. :'''Fiona''': When did you decide this? :'''Shrek''': ''[as he is packing]'' Shortly after arrivin'. :'''Fiona''': ''[remorsefully]'' Look, I'm sorry... :'''Fairy Godmother''': No, no, no, that's okay. I need to go anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me, ''[whips out a "Happiness" business card]'' happiness is just a teardrop away. :'''Shrek''': ''[snatches the "Happiness" card from Fairy Godmother; sarcastically]'' Thanks, but we've got ''all'' the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy. :'''Fairy Godmother''': So I see. ''[laughs in a not so good way]'' Let's go, Kyle. ''[Kyle whips the horses on the carriage and he and the Fairy Godmother leaves]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[sarcastically]'' Very nice, Shrek. :'''Shrek''': What? I told you that coming here was a bad idea. :'''Fiona''': You could have at least tried to get along with my father. :'''Shrek''': You know, somehow, I don't think I was going to get daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. :'''Fiona''': ''[as a bichon Frise starts barking]'' Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? :'''Shrek''': Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? :'''Fiona''': You're unbelievable! You're behavin' like a... ''[hesitates and sighs]'' :'''Shrek''': Go on, say it! :'''Fiona''': Like an ''OGRE!'' :'''Shrek''': Well, here's a newsflash for you! Whether your parents like it or not, I AM AN OGRE! ''[the puppy barks even louder; Shrek furiously roars at it, scaring the puppy, who covers its face in fear]'' And guess what, Princess? That's '''''NOT''''' about to change. :'''Fiona''': ''[sadly walks to the door]'' I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. ''[leaves]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[deadpan]'' That's real smooth, Shrek. ''[imitating Shrek]'' ''I'M AN OGRE! UARGH!'' :''[Shrek walks to the door and hears Fiona sob from outside of the bedroom and sighs in guilt, realizing what he has done to hurt her feelings. The camera pans northeast to Harold and Lillian's room.]'' :'''Harold''': ''[after hearing Shrek and Fiona's argument]'' I knew this would happen! :'''Lillian''': You should. You started it. :'''Harold''': I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean, really, he's the ogre, not me. :'''Lillian''': I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. ''This'' is Fiona's choice. :'''Harold''': Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince ''we'' picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... this... thing? :'''Lillian''': Fiona does, and she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. ''[Harold sighs]'' Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young and, oh, we used to walk down by the lily pond, and they were in bloom. :'''Harold''': Our first kiss. IT'S NOT THE SAME! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a MONSTER! :'''Lillian''': Oh, stop being such a drama king. :'''Harold''': ''[as Fairy Godmother's carriage approaches]'' Fine, fine! Pretend that there's nothing wrong! La-di-da, di-da, di-da! It's all wonderful! I like to know how could it get any worse! :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[opens the door]'' Hello, Harold. :'''Harold''': ''[scared]'' Aaah! :'''Lillian''': What happened? :'''Harold''': ''[hesitantly]'' Uh, nothing! Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! ''[chuckles]'' I’ll just stretch it out here for a while. ''[closes the balcony door]'' :'''Fairy Godmother''': You better get in. We need to talk. :'''Harold''': Actually, Fairy Godmother, just off to bed. ''[yawns]'' Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about… we make this a quick visit. What? ''[bumps into two of her henchmen, who then get him in the carriage]'' Oh, hello. ---- :'''Harold''': So, what's new? :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[to Harold]'' You remember my son, Prince Charming? ''[shows him sitting next to her]'' :'''Harold''': Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When, uh... When did you get back? :'''Prince Charming''': Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. ''[enraged]'' After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower-- :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[cuts him off]'' Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. ''[to King Harold, using the same tone he used earlier]'' He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that ''his'' princess… '''''is already married!''''' :'''Harold''': ''[stammers]'' I mean, it wasn't my fault; He didn't get there in time. :'''Fairy Godmother''': '''''STOP THE CAR!''' [the carriage screeches to a stop]'' Harold... ''[two of her henchmen crack their knuckles as the window rolls down]'' You forced me to do something I '''''really''''' don't want to do. :'''Harold''': ''[gasps]'' Where are we? :''[It is revealed that the carriage has pulled up at a fast-food restaurant drive-thru.]'' :'''Fast-food Clerk''': ''[cheerfully]'' Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order? :'''Fairy Godmother''': My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. ''[to the fast-food clerk]'' Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo... chili rings... :'''Prince Charming''': I'll have the medieval meal. :'''Fairy Godmother''': One medieval meal and, Harold, curly fries? :'''Harold''': No, thank you. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want? :'''Harold''': No, really. I'm fine. :'''Fast-food Clerk''': ''[gives Fairy Godmother their meals]'' Your order, Fairy Godmother. ''[also gives her a free double-headed toy axe]'' And ''this'' comes with the medieval meal. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[gives the axe to Charming]'' Here you are, dear. ''[the carriage flies away]'' You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. :'''Harold''': ''[sighs deeply]'' Indeed not. :'''Fairy Godmother''': So, Fiona and Charming ''will be together''. :'''Harold''': ''[doubtfully]'' Yes. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Oh, believe me, Harold. It's what's best, not only for your daughter,... ''[takes a bite of her wrap and talks with her mouth full]'' But for your kingdom. :''[The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of her henchmen shoves Harold out]'' :'''Harold''': Well, what am ''I'' supposed to do about it? :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[tosses the double-headed toy axe into his hands]'' Use your imagination. ''[flies off]'' ---- :'''Harold''': Uh, no. You must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. ''[said Ugly Stepsister reveals herself]'' Ah. There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. :'''Ugly Stepsister''': Who's the guy? :'''Harold''': Um, he's not a guy, per se, um, he's ''[whispers]'' an ''ogre''. :''[The entire bar gasp at Harold saying "ogre"; the piano stops playing.]'' :'''Ugly Stepsister''': Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly… he don't like to be ''disturbed''. :'''Harold''': Where could I find him? ''[heads to the backroom and knocks, slowly opens the door]'' Uh, hello? ''[sees a pair of black boots beside the shining window]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Who dares enter my room? :'''Harold''': Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. But I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre... problem. :'''Puss in Boots''': You are told correct. ''[scoffs]'' But for this, I charge a great deal of money. :'''Harold''': Would this be enough? ''[places a bag of coins on the table]'' :''[Puss in Boots stands up and raises his sword to slice off the string, causing gold coins to spill out of the sack.]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services. ''[grins]'' Your Majesty. Just tell me: Where I can find this ogre? ---- :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[is an orange cat wearing black hat and cape]'' Ha-ha. Fear me, if you dare. ''[hisses]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, look, a little cat. :'''Donkey''': ''[sees the sword in Puss' paws]'' Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! :'''Shrek''': It's a cat, Donkey. Come here little, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. Kitty. ''[Puss screeches and attacks Shrek and he screams]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[gasps in shock]'' Hold on, Shrek! :'''Shrek''': GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OH, GOD! :'''Donkey''': Shrek, hold still! ''[kicks the Shrek's bottom and moans]'' Did I miss? :'''Shrek''': ''[painfully]'' No, you got him. :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[after he attacks Shrek]'' Now ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... ''[slashes "P" on the tree]'' Puss... in Boots! :'''Shrek''': ''[groans]'' I'll kill that cat! :'''Donkey''': No! :'''Puss in Boots''': Ah-ha-ha-ha! ''[drops the sword, then starts heaves for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey; spits out the hairball and coughs]'' Phew. ''[chuckles]'' Hairball. :'''Donkey''': ''[disgusted]'' Oh, that is nasty! :'''Shrek''': ''[picks up Puss by the back of the neck]'' What do you reckon we should do with him? :'''Donkey''': I say we take the sword and neuter him right here; Give him the Bob Barker treatment! :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers- :'''Shrek''': ''[covers Puss' mouth with his finger]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? :'''Puss in Boots''': The rich king? Sí. ''[Shrek drops him to the ground, who screeches]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[sighs]'' Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. :'''Donkey''': Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. :'''Shrek''': ''[sits on the rock]'' Gee, thanks. ''[looks down at the river reflection and sighs]'' Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. :'''Puss in Boots''': Sí, that's what the king said. ''[Donkey glares angrily]'' Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. :'''Donkey''': ''[walks over to Shrek]'' Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. :'''Shrek''': Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. ''[pauses out; to Donkey]'' Hold the phone... ''[pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card]'' "Happiness." ''[flips it over]'' "A tear drop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! :'''Donkey''': Oh, man, where do I begin? Well first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he had the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beatin' me with a stick going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?! :'''Shrek''': No, Donkey, I need you to cry! :'''Donkey''': Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin' bad, but you gotta let your own- ''[Puss angrily stomps on his hoof]'' '''''OW!!!!!!!!!''''' ''[tearfully]'' You little hairy litter-licking sack of... ''[Donkey's tears shed and Shrek lets it drop onto the card, conjuring a bubble with Fairy Godmother in it]'' :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing]'' What? Is it on? Is it on? ''[clears her throat]'' This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After! ''[the bubble pops]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohhh. :'''Shrek''': Are you up for a little quest, Donkey? :'''Donkey''': That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! ''[singing]'' Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move! :'''Puss in Boots''': Stop, ogre! ''[bows to Shrek]'' I have misjudged you. :'''Shrek''': Join the club. We've got jackets. :'''Puss in Boots''': On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine. :'''Donkey''': I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! ''[sees Shrek walking to Puss]'' Shrek? ''[slightly pauses; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look; Shrek smiles]'' Shrek! :'''Shrek''': Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him; in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him! :'''Donkey''': Say what?! ''[Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness; groans in frustration]'' :'''Shrek''': Aw, listen. He’s purring! :'''Donkey''': Oh, so now it's cute! :'''Shrek''': Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up. :'''Donkey''': Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up! ---- :''[Shrek, Donkey, and Puss arrive at the Fairy Godmother's potion factory]'' :'''Shrek''': Hi. I'm here to see... :'''Jerome''': The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[from the gramophone intercom]'' Jerome! Coffee and a monte Christo, now. :'''Jerome''': ''[sighs]'' Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. ''[to Shrek]'' Look, she's not seeing any client today, okay? :'''Shrek''': That's okay, buddy. We're from the union. :'''Jerome''': The union? :'''Shrek''': We represent the workers in all magical industries both evil and benign. :'''Jerome''': Oh, oh, right. :'''Shrek''': Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed? :'''Jerome''': Uh... ''[turns the gramophone intercom away from him]'' A little. W-We don't even have dental. :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers to Donkey]'' They don't even have dental. ''[to Jerome]'' Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh? :'''Donkey''': Hmm? :'''Shrek''': Huh? :'''Donkey''': Huh? Huh?! '''''HUH?!?!''''' :'''Shrek''': Stop it! :'''Jerome''': Of course. Go right in. ---- :'''Fairy Godmother''': Ah, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh... "Princess"! ''Cinderella''. Here we are: "Lived happily ever after." Oh. ''[fake chuckles]'' No ogres. Let's see. ''Snow White''. "A handsome prince." Ah, no ogres. ''Sleeping Beauty''. Oh, no ogres. ''Hansel and Gretel''. No. ''Thumbelina''. No! ''The Golden Bird'', ''The Little Mermaid'', ''Pretty Woman''. No, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. :'''Shrek''': Alright, look, lady! :'''Fairy Godmother''': Don't you point those dirty green sausages at me! ''[pushes his finger out of her face]'' :'''Worker''': Your Monte Christo and coffee. Oh! Sorry. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Just… go. :'''Shrek''': Come on, guys. ''[leaves]'' ---- :'''Donkey''': Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm sure nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems! :'''Puss in Boots''': Elfa Seltzer. :'''Shrek''': Uh-uh. :'''Puss in Boots''': Hex Lax. :'''Shrek''': No. Try "handsome". :'''Puss in Boots''': Sorry, no handsome. ''[finds a blue potion bottle labeled; "Happily Ever After" in the restricted shelf]'' Hey, how about Happily Ever After? :'''Shrek''': Well, what does it do? :'''Puss in Boots''': It says "Beauty Divine". :'''Donkey''': In some creatures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of all creatures. Especially us talking ones. :'''Shrek''': Donkey! Then we'll have to. We got company. :'''Donkey''': Will you get on with this. :'''Shrek''': Hurry! ''[Puss pulls the blue potion, but drops it]'' Nice catch, Donkey. :'''Puss in Boots''': Finally! A good use for your mouth. ''[More colors of potions drop, the siren sounds, and the door begins to close.]'' :'''Shrek''': Come on! ---- :'''Prince Charming''': What?! Where is he, mum? ''[raises his sword due to the incident of Fairy Godmother's potion factory]'' I shall rend their heads from their shoulders! I will smite them where he stabs. He will rue the very day HE STOLE MY KINGDOM FROM ME! ---- :''[After escaping Fairy Godmother's potion factory]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[reading the potion bottle]'' "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." :'''Donkey''': ''[confused]'' You both will be fine? :'''Shrek''': I guess it means it'll affect Fiona too. ''[opens the potion bottle]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o' voodoo, and let’s get out of here. :'''Shrek''': It says, "beauty divine". How bad can it be? ''[sniffs the potion and sneezes]'' :'''Donkey''': A-ha! See, You're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub all over your chest, think again! :'''Puss in Boots''': Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you. :'''Donkey''': Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there'll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle. ''[snatches the potion bottle from Shrek's hands with his mouth and starts drinking it, but Shrek snatches it back from Donkey]'' :'''Shrek''': How do you feel? :'''Donkey''': I don't ''feel'' any different. Do I look any different? :'''Puss in Boots''': You still look like an ass to me. :'''Shrek''': Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona. :'''Donkey''': Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. :'''Shrek''': I know. :'''Donkey''': No more wallowing in the mud? :'''Shrek''': I know. :'''Donkey''': No more itchy butt crack? :'''Shrek''': I know! :'''Donkey''': But you love being an ogre! :'''Shrek''': ''I know!'' ''[sighs]'' But I love Fiona more. ''[starts chugging the potion]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! ''[Shrek swallows the potion, then feels his stomach gurglin'. Donkey and Puss hides behind the rock, then Shrek farts]'' Got to be... Shrek, I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. :'''Puss in Boots''': Maybe it's a dud. :'''Shrek''': Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. :''[Dark storm clouds appear above Shrek, Donkey and Puss.]'' :'''Donkey''': Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! ''[rain starts pouring, soaking the trio and getting them wet]'' Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy! '''I'm melting!''' '''''I'M MELTING!!''''' :'''Shrek''': It's just the rain, Donkey. :''[Donkey chuckles as they head to a barn for some shelter. The blue ooze from Shrek's sneeze reaction on the mushroom transforms into a flower rose.]'' ---- :''[After Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrived at the barn for shelter for the night]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, don't worry. Things seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. ''[Puss hisses at him]'' It'll be better in the morning. You'll see. ''[sings, then gets dizzy]'' The sun'll come out... Tomorrow... Bet your bottom... :'''Shrek''': Bet my bottom? :'''Donkey''': [[w:Sanford and Son|I'm comin', Elizabeth!]] ''[faints]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey? A-Are you all right? :'''Puss in Boots''': Hey, boss. Let's shave him. :'''Shrek''': ''[gets dizzy]'' D-Donkey...? ''[groans and faints and land on Puss’ tail as he yowls off-screen]'' ---- :''[Later this morning, the Jill and maidens woke up]'' :'''Jill''': Good morning, sleepyhead. :'''Maidans''': Good morning! We lover your kitty. :'''Shrek''': Oh, my head. ---- :''[Fiona looks at the reflection, realizing she is a human again, and screams.]'' :'''Shrek''': Fiona! :'''Fiona''': Shrek? ---- :''[the Fairy Godmother raises her wand and doors close, the Chest of Drawers blocks Shrek's way]'' :'''Talking Chest Drawer''': You wanna dance, pretty boy? ---- :'''Doris''': There you go, boys. :'''Puss in Boots''': Just leave the bottle, Doris. :'''Doris''': Hey, why the long face? :'''Shrek''': It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. :'''Puss in Boots''': I hate Mondays. :'''Donkey''': I can't believe you're just gonna walk away from the best thing that happened to you. :'''Shrek''': What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. :'''Donkey''': Aw, come on, Shrek. Is he really that good-looking? :'''Doris''': Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. :'''Puss in Boots''': Oh, he sounds dreamy. :'''Shrek''': You know, shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. ''[sighs]'' Look, guys, it's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. :'''Donkey''': Except you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. :'''Shrek''': Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. :'''Harold''': Um, excuse me. Is she here? :'''Doris''': She's, uh, in the back. :'''Harold''': Oh, hello again! ---- :'''Harold''': Fairy Godmother. Charming. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. :'''Harold''': Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. :'''Prince Charming''': Um, FYI, not my fault. :'''Fairy Godmother''': No, no, of course it's not, dear. :'''Prince Charming''': I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend that I'm that dreadful ogre? :'''Harold''': No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? :'''Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming''': ''[in unison; shocked]'' What?! :'''Harold''': I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love! :'''Fairy Godmother''': Oh, I beg to differ. I do it all the time. ''[pulls out the Love Potion 9 vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it]'' Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. :'''Harold''': Umm, no. :'''Fairy Godmother''': What did you say? :'''Harold''': ''[stutters]'' I...I...I can't. I...I won't do it. :'''Fairy Godmother''': Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can '''''take''''' it away just as easily. ''[sticks her wand in his face]'' Is that what you want? Is it? :'''Harold''': No. :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[puts down her wand]'' Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know he's all high in the front, he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair. :'''Prince Charming''': Oh. Thank you, mother. :'''Donkey''': ''[from outside the window; shocked]'' MOTHER?! ''[Fairy Godmother, Charming and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey and Puss outside the window, hearing everything]'' :'''Shrek''': Um, Mary! A talking horse! :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[enraged]'' The ogre! ''[Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple; flies after them, telling the knights to get them] '''STOP THEM! THEIVES! BANDITS! STOP THEM!!!''''' ---- :'''Harold''': Darling? Ah, I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? :'''Fiona''': I'm not going. :'''Harold''': But the whole kingdom’s turned out to celebrate your marriage. :'''Fiona''': There's just one problem: That’s not my husband.''[sees Prince Charming]'' I mean, look at him! :'''Harold''': Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love you’d be surprised how much I change for your mother change. :'''Fiona''': "Change"? ''[about Prince Charming]'' He's completely lost his mind. :'''Harold''': Honey, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek. :'''Fiona''': But it's the ''old'' one I fell in love with, dad! :'''Harold''': Uh, honey, that’s mine. Decaf. Otherwise, I'm up all night. :'''Fiona''': Thanks. ---- :'''Donkey''': ''[screaming]'' I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! YOU CAN'T LOCK US LIKE THIS! LET ME GO! WHAT ABOUT MY MIRANDA RIGHTS?! You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." '''*NOBODY SAID I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!!!*''' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, you ''have'' the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[camera shows just him]'' I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. :'''Pinocchio''': Shrek? Donkey? :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him]'' Too late. :'''Shrek''': Gingy, Pinocchio, get us out of here! ---- :'''Shrek''': Quick, tell a lie! :'''Pinocchio''': What should I say? :'''Gingy''': Anything, but quick! :'''Donkey''': Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!" :'''Pinocchio''': I'm wearing ladies underwear. :''[But nothing happens; he is telling the truth]'' :'''Shrek''': Are you? :'''Pinocchio''': I most certainly am not! ''[his nose extends]'' :'''Mini Donkey''': It looks like you most certainly am are! :'''Pinocchio''': I am not! ''[his nose extends more]'' :'''Puss''': What kind? :'''Gingy''': It's a thong! ''[pulls at his pink thong and lets it slap back]'' :'''Pinocchio''': Ow! They're briefs! :'''Gingy''': ''[takes the key and runs across Pinocchio's nose as it continues to extend with each denial]'' Are not! :'''Pinocchio''': Are too! :'''Gingy''' Are not! :'''Pinocchio''': Are too! :'''Gingy''': ''[reaches Shrek and uses the key to free Shrek, Donkey, and Puss]'' Alright, here we go. Hang tight. :''[Shrek lands his feet on the cell floor, followed by Puss.]'' :'''Donkey''': Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! ''[lands on his back on the cell floor]'' Ow! ''[Shrek looks at the Far Far Away palace from outside the window]'' :'''Blind Mouse''': ''[muffled; to Puss]'' Excuse me?! :'''Shrek''': ''[hears a muffled voice]'' What? ''[sees the mouse's tail sticking out from Puss' mouth; shocked]'' Puss! :'''Puss in Boots''': Hmm? :'''Blind Mouse''': Pardon me? Would you mind letting me go? :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[spits Blind Mouse out; sheepishly]'' Sorry, boss. :'''Shrek''': Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss! :'''Donkey''': I thought you were gonna let her go. :'''Shrek''': I was, but I can't let him do this to Fiona. :'''Donkey''': Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's finally coming around! :'''Puss in Boots''': It's impossible! We'll never get in. The castle is guarded and there is a moat and everything! :'''Gingy''': Well, folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a popsicle stick. ''[pausing; Shrek looks at him]'' What? :'''Shrek''': Do you still know the muffin man? :'''Gingy''': Well, sure. He's down on Drury Lane. Why? :'''Shrek''': Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour. ---- :''[Shrek and Gingy arrive at the bakery, where Shrek knocks on the door. The muffin man opens the door.] :'''Muffin Man''': ''[surprised]'' Gingy! :'''Gingy''': Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man. We've got a big order to fill! :''[cut to the outside of the bakery, thunder clapping is seen, and deep laughter is heard.] :'''Gingy''': [[Frankenstein (1910 film)|IT'S ALIVE!]] ---- :''[Shrek and Donkey barged into the ball to rescue Fiona.]'' :'''Shrek''': Stop! ''[to Charming]'' Hey, ''you!'' Back away from ''my'' wife! :'''Fiona''': ''[puzzled]'' Shrek? ''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''You'' couldn't just go back to ''your'' swamp and ''leave'' well enough alone! :'''Shrek''': ''[to the three little pigs]'' NOW! ---- :'''Fairy Godmother''': Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! :'''Harold''': Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[his last words]'' Mommy ''[grabs the wand from Puss and throws to Fairy Godmother]'' :'''Fiona''': Mommy? :'''Fairy Godmother''': ''[catches her wand and growls; last and final words before her defeat]'' I told you, ogres don't live ''HAPPILY EVER '''AFTER!''''' :'''Lillian''': Harold! :'''Fiona''': Shrek! :'''Harold''': ''NO!'' ''[a transformation into a frog zaps his armor. Floats way up, checking to make sure and raises her wand, then disappears, turning into an explosion burst bubbles, only leaving her wand and her broken glasses that fell on the ground]'' :'''Fiona''': Oh, Dad! ''[cries]'' :'''Pinocchio''': Is he... :'''Gingy''': Yep. :''[a frog ribbit is heard]'' He croaked. :'''Lillian''': Harold? :'''Fiona''': Dad? :'''Harold''': I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, and he gave you a hard time. :'''Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Harold''': No, no, he's right. I'm sorry to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But now I can see she finally has it. Shrek, Fiona, will you accept an old frog's apologies and my blessing? ---- :''[The clock strucks midnight]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': Boss! The Happily Ever After potion! :'''Shrek''': Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? :'''Fiona''': What? :'''Shrek''': Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. :'''Fiona''': You'd do that? For me? :'''Shrek''': Yes. :'''Fiona''': I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after... ''[Shrek starts to lean a little closer to kiss her, but she puts her hand on his mouth]'' With the ogre I married. ''[Shrek smiles]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! ''[starts to sob quietly]'' :''[Shrek and Fiona hold there hands and the levitate, and Donkey too. They begin to glow blue, suddenly, the blue glow turns gold, Lillian, Harold and the Fairytale Creatures watches Shrek, Fiona, Donkey break the spell. Shrek, Fiona, Donkey goes down to the ground]'' :'''Gingy''': Wow! ---- :''[last lines; post credits]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[singing]'' [[w:All by Myself|All by myself, Don't wanna be all by myself... anymore]] :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[enters with two ladies]'' ''Amigo.'' We are off to the [[w:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]] club. Come on, join us. :'''Donkey''': Thanks, compadre. I'm... I'm not in the mood. :'''Puss in Boots''': We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro! ''[a roar is heard]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[delighted]'' Hey, baby! ''[the Dragon from the [[Shrek|first film]] flies in the scene.]'' Hey, that's my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? ''[Dragon cries]'' I’m sorry, too. I should've stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious? ''[a baby dronkey flies in]'' :'''Dronkey''': Papa! :'''Donkey''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!''''' ''[One breathes fire which Donkey avoids, the baby dronkeys fly in to hug him. Donkey laughs.]'' Look at our little mutant babies! ''[the Dragon blows a pink heart-shaped smoke, the scene cuts to black.]'' I gotta get a job. ==''Far Far Away Idol''== :'''[[Simon Cowell]]''': You're on fire, Donkey. :'''Shrek''': No, you're really on fire! ---- :'''Simon Cowell''': Come on, get real, Pinocchio. :'''Shrek''': I find his performance quite wooden, actually. ''[laughs]'' Wooden. ---- :'''Simon Cowell''': ''[as Fiona plants a floor trap on Prince Charming while Shrek holds the red button]'' That's the artist formally known as Prince Charming. ---- :'''Fiona''': ''[watching Gingy & Tinker Bell dance and form a tune to The Archies "Sugar"]'' They're so sweet together. :'''Simon Cowell''': I just knew you'd say that, Fiona. ''[groans]'' What's next, a singing donut? ---- :'''Simon Cowell''': The cat's got my tongue, and possibly my vote. ''[notices Shrek and Fiona are not in their seats]'' Ugh. Always breaking the rules! ==Cast== * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]] (speaking voice) ** [[w:Michael Gough|Michael Gough]] – [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]] (singing voice) * [[Eddie Murphy]] — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * [[Cameron Diaz]] — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * [[Julie Andrews]] — Queen Lillian * [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] — [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]] * [[John Cleese]] — King Harold * [[Rupert Everett]] — Prince Charming * [[w:Jennifer Saunders|Jennifer Saunders]] — [[w:Fairy Godmother (Shrek)|The Fairy Godmother]] * [[Frank Welker]] — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]], Dronkeys * [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] — Big Bad Wolf * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] — Pinocchio, Three Pigs * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — Gingy, Muffin Man, Mongo * [[w:Christopher Knights|Chris Knights]] — Blind Mouse * [[Larry King]] — Ugly Stepsister * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] — Magic Mirror * [[Joan Rivers|Joan Rivers — Herself]] == See also == * ''[[Shrek]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2: The Last Wish]]'' ==Taglines== * In Summer 2004, They're Back for More. * Once Upon Another Time... * Not So Far, Far Away. == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0298148|title=Shrek 2}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:2004 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2004 American animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Stillman]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Animated films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Fairy films]] [[Category:Conrad Vernon films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about potions]] suulr9jahxqfuzg5eaeopwazkvgc1wc 0 9138 3944330 3796685 2026-05-23T01:10:15Z Zamyafields1028 2973763 Added content 3944330 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pretty Woman|Pretty Woman]]''''' is a [[w:1990 in film|1990 film]] about a man in a legal but hurtful business who needs an escort for some social events, and hires a beautiful prostitute he meets... only to fall in love. :''Directed by [[w:Garry Marshall|Garry Marshall]]. Written by [[w:J.F. Lawton|J.F. Lawton]]''. {{center|'''She walked off the street, into his life and stole his heart.'''}} == Edward Lewis == * You and I are such similar creatures, Vivian. We both screw people for money. * Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships. * People's reaction to opera the first time they hear it is extreme. They either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul. == Vivian Ward == * ''[to Edward]'' In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight. * I want the fairy tale. * Honey, I've got a runner in my pantyhose. I'm not wearing pantyhose. * People always do what you tell them to do? ...I guess so. * The first guy I've ever loved was a total nothing. The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet. There was a bum in a fifty mile radius, I was completely attracted to him. * You hurt me. ''['''Edward''': Yes.]'' Don't do it again. * The bad things are easier to believe. Haven't you noticed that? * You'll buy a snap dog and we'll cop a squat under a tree or somewhere. *I appreciate the whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing. * I think you have a lot of special gifts, Edward. *Baby, I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna wanna let me go. *People put you down enough, you start to believe it. == Kit De Luca == * Yo, Viv, babe. Would ya come down here? The Sphincter Police won't let me through. * Fifty bucks, Grandpa. For seventy-five, the wife can watch. * Those are two very specific examples of crackheads. * A name... you want a name... the pressure of a name... I got it! Cinde-fucking-rella! == Others == * '''Philip Stuckey''': ''[about Morse]'' He mortgaged everything he owns, right down to his underwear, to secure a loan from the bank. * '''Magician at party''': No matter what they say, it's all about money. So let's imagine, ladies, that you're a savings and loan officer. Watch - one, two, three; see, you've got it all, and we've got nothing. You've got all four, take a look. * '''Happy Man''': Welcome to Hollywood! What's your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don't; but keep on dreamin' - this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin'. == Dialogue == :'''Edward''': When you and I were dating, did you speak to my secretary more than you spoke to me? :'''Susan''': She was one of my bridesmaids. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Wait a minute &mdash; that's a Lotus Esprit! :'''Kit''': No, that's ''rent''. You should go for him. You look hot tonight. Don't take less than a hundred. Call me when you're through&hellip; Take care of you. :'''Vivian''': Take care of you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Hey, sugar, you lookin' for a date? :'''Edward''': No, I want to find Beverly Hills. Can you give me directions? :'''Vivian''': Sure. For five bucks. :'''Edward''': That's Ridiculous. :'''Vivian''': Price just went up to ten. :'''Edward''': You can't charge me for directions! :'''Vivian''': I can do anything I want to, Baby; I ain't lost. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': I hadn't exactly planned this. :'''Vivian''': Do you plan everything? :'''Edward''': Always. :'''Vivian''': Yeah me too! I'm actually, no I'm not a planner. I would say I'm a kinda fly by the seat of your pants gal, you know moment to moment. Yeah that's me, that's...yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': I guess this is not the greatest time to be a hooker, is it? :'''Vivian''': Look, I use condoms ''always''. I get checked out once a month at the free clinic. Not only am I better in the sack than an amateur, I am probably ''safer''. :'''Edward''': I like that; that's very good. You should have that printed on your business card. :'''Vivian''': If you're makin' fun of me, I don't like it. :'''Edward''': ''[laughs]'' No, I'm not making fun of you. No, I don't. I'm not. I wouldn't offend you. I'm sorry. What's your name? :'''Vivian''': What do you want it to be? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Man, this baby must corner like it's on rails! :'''Edward''': Beg your pardon? :'''Vivian''': Well, doesn't it blow your mind? This is only ''four'' cylinders! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': Tell me, what kind of&hellip; what kind of money you girls make these days? Ballpark. :'''Vivian''': Can't take less than a hundred dollars. :'''Edward''': Hundred dollars a night? :'''Vivian''': For an hour. :'''Edward''': An ''hour''? You make a hundred dollars an hour and you got a safety pin holding your boot up? You gotta be joking. :'''Vivian''': I never joke about money. :'''Edward''': Neither do I. :''[He turns to her.]'' :'''Edward''': Hundred dollars an hour. Pretty stiff. :''[She reaches over into his lap.]'' :'''Vivian''': Well, no&hellip; but it's got potential. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': What is your name? :'''Edward''': Edward. :'''Vivian''': Edward? That's my favorite name in the whole world! :'''Edward''': ''[mock seriously]'' No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A well-dressed couple observe Edward and the scantily-clad Vivian as an elevator arrives.]'' :'''Vivian''': Well, color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two! :''[The man moves to enter, but his wife stops him. A chagrined Edward turns to the couple.]'' :'''Edward''': First time in an elevator. :'''Woman''': Ah. :''[Edward enters. The woman turns to her husband.]'' :'''Woman''': Close your mouth, dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Wow! Great view! I bet you can see all the way to the ocean from out here. :'''Edward''': I'll take your word for it. I don't go out there. :'''Vivian''': Why don't you go out there? :'''Edward''': I'm afraid of heights. :'''Vivian''': You are? So how come you rented the penthouse? :'''Edward''': It's the best. I looked all around for penthouses on the first floor, but I can't find one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Well, now that you got me here, what ''are'' you going to do with me? :'''Edward''': You wanna know something? I don't have a clue. :'''Vivian''': You know, you could ''pay'' me. That's one way to, maybe, break the ice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vivian hops up onto Edward's desk in a sultry pose.]'' :'''Edward''': You're on my fax. :'''Vivian''': Well, ''that's'' one I haven't been on before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vivian pulls a fistful of condoms from her purse.]'' :'''Vivian''': Pick one. I got red, I got green, I got yellow&hellip; I'm out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left&hellip; the condom of champions, the one and only&hellip; nothin' is gettin' through this sucker. Whaddya say, hmm? :'''Edward''': A ''buffet'' of safety. :'''Vivian''': I'm a safety girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': So Edward, are you in town on, uh, business or pleasure? :'''Edward''': Business, I think. :'''Vivian''': Business, you think. Well&hellip; let me guess. That would make you&hellip; a lawyer. :'''Edward''': A lawyer? :'''Vivian''': Umm-hmm. :'''Edward''': What makes you think I'm a lawyer? :'''Vivian''': You've got that, um&hellip; sharp, useless look about you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Listen, I&hellip; I appreciate this whole seduction scene you've got goin', but let me give you a tip &mdash; I'm a sure thing, okay? So&hellip; I'm on an hourly rate. Could we just move it along? :'''Edward''': Somehow, I'm sensing that this time problem is a major issue with you. Why don't we just get through that right now. :'''Vivian''': Great! Let's get started. :'''Edward''': How much for the entire night? :'''Vivian''': Stay here? ''[small laugh]'' You couldn't afford it. :'''Edward''': Try me. :'''Vivian''': 300 dollars. :'''Edward''': Done. Thank you. Now we can relax. :''[A flummoxed Vivian gets up.]'' :'''Vivian''': Are you sure you want me to stay for the entire night? I mean, I could just pop ya good and be on my way. :'''Edward''': To tell you the truth, I don't feel like being alone tonight. :'''Vivian''': Why, is it your birthday, or something? :'''Edward''': No. :'''Vivian''': I mean, I have been the ''party'' at a couple of birthdays. :'''Edward''': Hmpf. I bet you have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': Oh, by the way, Phil &mdash; about your car&hellip; :'''Philip Stuckey''': Oh God. What? :'''Edward''': It corners like it's on rails. :'''Philip Stuckey''': What?! What does that mean? Edward&hellip; Edward&hellip; :''[Grinning, Edward hangs up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': ''[after Edward catches her singing along to "Kiss" by Prince in the tub]'' Don't you just love Prince? :'''Edward''': More than life itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fumbling with his tie, Edward tells Vivian about his business.]'' :'''Vivian''': You don't actually ''have'' a ''billion'' dollars, huh? :'''Edward''': No. I get some of it from banks, investors&hellip; it's not an easy thing to do. :'''Vivian''': And you don't make anything&hellip; :'''Edward''': No. :'''Vivian''': &hellip; and you don't build anything. :'''Edward''': No. :'''Vivian''': So whadda ya do with the companies once you buy 'em? :'''Edward''': I sell them. :''[Viv reaches for his tie.]'' :'''Vivian''': Here, let me do that. You sell them. :'''Edward''': Well, I&hellip; don't sell the ''whole'' company, I break it up into pieces, and then I sell that off, it's worth more than the whole. :'''Vivian''': So, it's sort of like, um&hellip; stealing cars and selling 'em for parts, right? :'''Edward''': ''[sighs exasperatedly]'' Yeah, sort of. But legal. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': I will ''pay'' you to be at my beck and call. :'''Vivian''': Look, I'd love to be your beck-and-call girl, but&hellip; <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': Any questions? :'''Vivian''': Can I call you ''Eddie''? :'''Edward''': Not if you expect me to answer. :'''Vivian''': I would have stayed for two thousand. :'''Edward''': I would have paid four. I'll see ya tonight. :'''Vivian''': Baby, I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna wanna let me go. :'''Edward''': Three thousand, for six days, and Vivian, I ''will'' let you go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': I called and called! Where were you last night? :'''Kit''': Ma? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thompson''': Now, Mr. Lewis, however, is a ''very'' special customer, and we like to think of our special customers as ''friends''. Now, as a customer, we would expect Mr. Lewis to sign in any additional guests, but as a friend, we're willing to overlook it. Now, I'm assuming that you're a&hellip; ''[long pause]'' &hellip; relative? :'''Vivian''': ''[meekly]'' Yes. :'''Thompson''': I thought so. Then you must be his&hellip; :''[Thompson gives Vivian an expectant nod. Another long pause.]'' :'''Vivian''': Niece? :'''Thompson''': Of course. Naturally, when Mr. Lewis leaves, I won't see you in this hotel again. I assume you have no other uncles here? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bridget''': Now, I'm sure we're gonna find something here that your uncle would ''love''. :'''Vivian''': Bridg? He's not ''really'' my uncle. :'''Bridget''': They never are, dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Hello! :'''Edward''': Never, ''ever'' pick up the phone. :'''Vivian''': Then why're you ''calling'' me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': All right. I'll meet you in the lobby, but only 'cause you're payin' me to. :'''Edward''': Well, ''thank'' you very much. :''[He hangs up the phone and turns to the receptionist.]'' :'''Edward''': Get her back for me, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': 'Lo? :'''Edward''': I told you ''not'' to pick up the phone. :'''Vivian''': Then stop ''callin'' me. :''[Edward snickers and hangs up.]'' :'''Vivian''': ''[grinning]'' Sick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thompson''': I have a ''message'' for you, sir. :'''Edward''': From who? :'''Thompson''': Ah, from your ''niece'', sir. :'''Edward''': My what? :'''Thompson''': The young lady who's staying in your room, sir. :'''Edward''': Oh. Hmm. I think we both know that she's not my niece. :'''Thompson''': Of course. :'''Edward''': The reason I know that, is that I am an only child. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': You're ''late''. :'''Edward''': You're ''stunning''. :'''Vivian''': ''[grinning]'' You're forgiven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vivian accidentally launches an escargot, which is deftly caught by the mâitre-d.]'' :'''Vivian''': Slippery little suckers. :'''Mâitre-D''': It happens all the time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Let's watch old movies ''all'' night&hellip; we'll just veg out in front of the TV. :'''Edward''': "Veg out"? :'''Vivian''': Yeah. Be still like vegetables. Lay like broccoli. :'''Edward''': Look, I'll tell ya what. I'll be back. We'll do broccoli tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': The stores are not nice to people &mdash; I don't like it. :'''Edward''': Stores are never nice to people. They're nice to credit cards. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': You see this young lady over here? :'''Hollister''': Yes. :'''Edward''': Do you have ''anything'' in this shop as beautiful as she is? :'''Hollister''': Oh, yes. :''[Edward gives Hollister a look.]'' :'''Hollister''': Oh, no! No, no! No. I'm saying we have many things as beautiful as she&hellip; would ''want'' them to be! ''[babbling]'' That's the point I was getting at. And I think we can all agree with that. That's why, when you came in here, you knew from the first&mdash; :'''Edward''': You know what we're gonna need here? We're going to need a few more people helping us out. I'll tell you why. We are going to be spending an ''obscene'' amount of money in here. So we're going to need a lot more help sucking up to us, 'cause that's what we really like. :'''Hollister''': Ohhhh! :'''Edward''': You understand that. :'''Hollister''': Sir, if I may say so, you're in the right store, and the right ''city'', for that matter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hollister''': Exactly ''how'' obscene an amount of money were you talking about? Just&hellip; profane, or ''really'' offensive? :'''Edward''': ''Really'' offensive. :'''Hollister''': ''[to himself]'' I like him so much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hollister''': Mr. Lewis? How's it going so far? :'''Edward''': Pretty well, I think. I think we need some ''major'' sucking up. :'''Hollister''': Very well, sir. You're&hellip; not only handsome, but a ''powerful'' man. I could see the second you walked in here, you were someone to reckon with&hellip; :'''Edward''': Hollister. :'''Hollister''': Yes, sir? :'''Edward''': Not me. Her. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vivian, smartly dressed with black hat, cream dress with buttons, white gloves and carrying many bags, stops in at yesterday's clothing store.]'' :'''Vivian''': Do you remember me? :'''Salesperson''': No, I'm sorry. :'''Vivian''': I was in here yesterday. You wouldn't wait on me? :'''Salesperson''': Oh. :'''Vivian''': You work on commission, right? :'''Salesperson''': Ah, yes. :'''Vivian''': ''Big'' mistake. Big. Huge! ''[turns away]'' I have to go shopping now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': I was very ''angry'' with him. It cost me ten thousand dollars in therapy to say that sentence: "I was very ''angry'' him." I do it very well, don't I? I'll say it again: I was very ''angry'' with him. "Hello, my name is Mr. Lewis, I am very ''angry'' with my father." :'''Vivian''': I would've been angry at the ten thousand dollars. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': Did I mention&hellip; my leg is 44 inches from hip to toe, so basically, we're talkin' about&hellip; :''[She wraps her legs around Edward.]'' :'''Vivian''': &hellip; 88 inches of therapy&hellip; ''wrapped'' around you, for the bargain price of&hellip; :'''Edward and Vivian''': ''[in unison]'' &hellip; three thousand dollars! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gretchen''': Edward's our most eligible bachelor. Everybody is trying to land him. :'''Vivian''': Well, I'm not trying to land him. I'm just using him for sex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elizabeth Stuckey''': ''[about Vivian]'' She's sweet, Edward! Wherever did you find her? :'''Edward''': 976-''BABE''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': People put you down enough, you start to believe it. :'''Edward''': I think you&hellip; are a very bright, very special woman. :'''Vivian''': The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Matron''': Did you enjoy the opera, dear? :'''Vivian''': Oh, it was so good, I almost peed my pants! :''[Vivian walks off.]'' :'''Matron''': Wha&mdash;? :'''Edward''': She said she liked it better than ''The Pirates of Penzance''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Edward offers Vivian a condo, car, and a shopping allowance.]'' :'''Vivian''': What else? You going to leave some money by the ''bed'' when you pass through town? :'''Edward''': Vivian, it really wouldn't be like that. :'''Vivian''': How ''would'' it be? :'''Edward''': Well, for one thing, it would get you off the streets. :'''Vivian''': That's just geography. :'''Edward''': Vivian, what is it you want? What do you see happening between us? :'''Vivian''': I don't know. When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would&hellip; I would pretend I was a princess, trapped in the tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly, this knight, on a white horse, with these colors flying, would come ''charging'' up and ''draw'' his sword&hellip; and I would wave, and he would climb up the tower, and rescue me. But never in all the time&hellip; that I had this dream&hellip; did the knight say to me, "Come on, baby, I'll put you up in a ''great'' condo." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': I've never treated you like a prostitute. :''[He walks away.]'' :'''Vivian''': You just did. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kit''': Maybe you guys could, like, um&hellip; you know, get a house together, and like, buy some diamonds, and a horse &mdash; I don't know. Anyway&hellip; it could work! It happens! :'''Vivian''': When does it happen, Kit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vivian''': I just wanna know ''who'' it works out for. You give me ''one'' example of somebody that ''we'' know that it happened for. :''[They start talking over each other.]'' :'''Kit''': Name someone? You want me to name someone? :'''Vivian''': Yeah, you know a person that it's worked for. :'''Kit''': You want me to, like, give you a ''name'', or something? :'''Vivian''': Yeah, I'd like a name. :'''Kit''': Oh, ''God'', the pressure of a name&hellip; Cinde-fucking-rella! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edward''': So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her? :'''Vivian''': She rescues him right back. ==Major cast== * [[w:Richard Gere|Richard Gere]] &mdash; Edward Lewis * [[Julia Roberts]] &mdash; Vivian Ward * [[w:Ralph Bellamy|Ralph Bellamy]] &mdash; James Morse (final film role) * [[w:Jason Alexander|Jason Alexander]] &mdash; Philip Stuckey * [[w:Laura San Giacomo|Laura San Giacomo]] &mdash; Kit De Luca * [[w:Alex Hyde-White|Alex Hyde-White]] &mdash; David Morse * [[w:Amy Yasbeck|Amy Yasbeck]] &mdash; Elizabeth Stuckey * [[w:Elinor Donahue|Elinor Donahue]] &mdash; Bridget * [[w:Hector Elizondo|Hector Elizondo]] &mdash; Hotel Manager Barney Thompson * [[w:Larry Miller (actor)|Larry Miller]] &mdash; Mr. Hollister ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0100405|title=Pretty Woman}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=pretty_woman|title=Pretty Woman}} [[Category:1990 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Films set in hotels]] [[Category:Films set in Beverly Hills]] [[Category:Films directed by Garry Marshall]] [[Category:Films about prostitution]] npxd4hmdidio8ko4iu6fzhg69zi2kvc 0 9932 3944428 3941650 2026-05-23T11:04:42Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 adding two 3944428 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Moreau, Gustave - Hésiode et la Muse - 1891.jpg|thumb|right|Observe due measure, for right [[timing]] is in [[all]] things the most important factor.]] '''[[w:Hesiod|Hesiod]]''' (Ἡσίοδος ''Hēsíodos'') was an early Greek epic poet, believed to have been active around 700 BC, known for composing the [[w:Theogony|''Theogony'']] and the [[w:Works and Days|''Works and Days'']]. The fragmentary [[w:Catalogue of Women|''Catalogue of Women'']] attributed to him in antiquity is now [[w:Catalogue_of_Women#Date,_composition_and_authorship|considered spurious]], and variously dated to 630–520 BC. == Quotes == [[File:Seneca.JPG|thumb|right|He [[harms]] [[himself]] who does harm to another, and the [[evil]] [[plan]] is most harmful to the planner.]] [[File:Sheep in Dipkarpaz, Northern Cyprus.jpg|thumb|He is the best of all who [[thinks]] for himself in all things. He, too, is good who takes advice from a wiser (person). But he who neither thinks for himself, nor lays to heart another's [[wisdom]], this is a useless man. ]] === [[w:Theogony|''Theogony'']] (c. 700 BC) === * Γαστέρες οἶον. ** Mere bellies. ** Line 26 (tr. H. G. Evelyn-White, 1914) **:<small>Cf. Chaucer, ''[[The Pardoner's Tale]]'', l. 206</small> * ἴδμεν ψεύδεα πολλὰ λέγειν ἐτύμοισιν ὁμοῖα,<br />ἴδμεν δ᾿, εὖτ᾿ ἐθέλωμεν, ἀληθέα γηρύσασθαι. ** We know how to speak many falsehoods which resemble real things, but we know, when we will, how to speak true things. ** Lines 27–28 (spoken by the Muses). Variant translations: *** Perhaps we know to tell many fictions like to truths, and we know, when we will, to speak what is true. *** We know how to tell many lies that pass for truth, and we know, when we wish, to tell the truth itself. * τῷ μὲν ἐπὶ γλώσσῃ γλυκερὴν χείουσιν ἐέρσην,<br />τοῦ δ᾿ ἔπε᾿ ἐκ στόματος ῥεῖ μείλιχα. ** On the tongue of such an one they shed a honeyed dew, and from his lips drop gentle words. ** Lines 83–84 * Ἠδ᾽ Ἔρος, ὃς κάλλιστος ἐν ἀθανάτοισι θεοῖσι,<br />λυσιμελής, πάντων δὲ θεῶν πάντων τ᾽ ἀνθρώπων<br />δάμναται ἐν στήθεσσι νόον καὶ ἐπίφρονα βουλήν. ** [[Love]], who is most beautiful among the immortal gods, the melter of limbs, overwhelms in their hearts the intelligence and wise counsel of all gods and all men. ** Line 120 * Ὅς κε γάμον φεύγων καὶ μέρμερα ἔργα γυναικῶν<br />μὴ γῆμαι ἐθέλῃ, ὀλοὸν δ᾽ ἐπὶ γῆρας ἵκοιτο<br />χήτεϊ γηροκόμοιο. ** Whoever avoids marriage and the sorrows that women cause, and will not wed, reaches deadly old age without anyone to tend his years. ** Line 603 * Ὣς οὐκ ἔστι Διὸς κλέψαι νόον οὐδὲ παρελθεῖν. ** It is not possible to deceive or go beyond the will of Zeus. ** Line 613 * ἣ δ᾿ Ὕπνον μετὰ χερσί, κασίγνητον Θανάτοιο,<br />Νὺξ ὀλοή. ** [[Night]], having [[Sleep]], the brother of [[Death]]. ** Lines 756–757 * Ἔνθα δὲ Νυκτὸς παῖδες ἐρεμνῆς οἰκί᾽ ἔχουσιν,<br />Ὕπνος καὶ Θάνατος, δεινοὶ θεοί. ** There the sons of obscure Night hold their habitation, Sleep and Death, dread gods. ** Line 758–759 * τῶν καὶ ἀπὸ βλεφάρων ἔρος εἴβετο δερκομενάων. ** From whose eyelids also as they gazed dropped love. ** Line 910 === ''[[s:Hesiod, the Homeric Hymns and Homerica/Works and Days|Works and Days]]'' (c. 700 BC) === [[File:Hesiodi Ascraei quaecumque exstant.tif|thumb|Hesiodi Ascraei quaecumque exstant, 1701]] * Οὐκ ἄρα μοῦνον ἔην Ἐρίδων γένος, ἀλλ᾿ ἐπὶ γαῖαν<br />εἰσὶ δύω· τὴν μέν κεν ἐπαινήσειε νοήσας,<br />ἣ δ᾿ ἐπιμωμητή. ** There was not after all a single kind of strife, but on [[earth]] there are two kinds: one of them a man might [[praise]] when he recognized her, but the other is blameworthy. ** Lines 11–13 * ζηλοῖ δέ τε γείτονα γείτων<br />εἰς ἄφενος σπεύδοντ᾽· ἀγαθὴ δ᾽ Ἔρις ἥδε βροτοῖσιν. ** Neighbour vies with his neighbour as he hurries after wealth. This Strife is wholesome for men. ** Lines 23–24 * Καὶ κεραμεὺς κεραμεῖ κοτέει καὶ τέκτονι τέκτων,<br />καὶ πτωχὸς πτωχῷ φθονέει καὶ ἀοιδὸς ἀοιδῷ. ** Potter bears a grudge against potter, and craftsman against craftsman, and beggar is envious of beggar, and bard of bard. ** Lines 25–26 * Nήπιοι, οὐδὲ ἴσασιν ὅσῳ πλέον ἥμισυ παντός. ** [[Fools]], they do not even know how much more is the half than the whole. ** Line 40; often translated as "The half is greater than the whole." * Αἶψα γὰρ ἐν κακότητι βροτοὶ καταγηράσκουσιν. ** For in misery men grow old quickly. ** Line 93 * Αλλα δὲ μυρία λυγρὰ κατ᾽ ἀνθρώπους ἀλάληται·<br />πλείη μὲν γὰρ γαῖα κακῶν, πλείη δὲ θάλασσα. ** But the rest, countless plagues, wander amongst men; for earth is full of evils and the sea is full. ** Lines 100–101 * πλείη μὲν γὰρ γαῖα κακῶν, πλείη δὲ θάλασσα·<br />νοῦσοι δ᾿ ἀνθρώποισιν ἐφ᾿ ἡμέρῃ, αἳ δ᾿ ἐπὶ νυκτὶ<br />αὐτόματοι φοιτῶσι κακὰ θνητοῖσι φέρουσαι<br />σιγῇ, ἐπεὶ φωνὴν ἐξείλετο μητίετα Ζεύς.<br />οὕτως οὔ τί πη ἔστι Διὸς νόον ἐξαλέασθαι. ** For full indeed is earth of [[woes]], and full the [[sea]]; and in the day as well as night diseases unbidden haunt mankind, silently bearing ills to men, for all-wise Zeus hath taken from them their [[voice]]. So utterly impossible is it to escape the will of Zeus. ** Lines 101–105 * Χρύσεον μὲν πρώτιστα γένος μερόπων ἀνθρώπων<br />ἀθάνατοι ποίησαν Ὀλύμπια δώματ᾽ ἔχοντες.<br />οἱ μὲν ἐπὶ Κρόνου ἦσαν, ὅτ᾽ οὐρανῷ ἐμβασίλευεν·<br />ὥστε θεοὶ δ᾽ ἔζωον ἀκηδέα θυμὸν ἔχοντες,<br />νόσφιν ἄτερ τε πόνων καὶ ὀιζύος· οὐδέ τι δειλὸν<br />γῆρας ἐπῆν. ** First of all the deathless gods who dwell on Olympus made a golden race of mortal men who lived in the time of Cronos when he was reigning in heaven. And they lived like gods without sorrow of heart, remote and free from toil and grief: miserable age rested not on them. ** Lines 109–114 * θνῇσκον δ᾿ ὥσθ᾿ ὕπνῳ δεδμημένοι. ** They died, as if o'ercome by sleep. ** Line 116 * ἀθανάτων μετὰ φῦλον ἴτον προλιπόντ᾿ ἀνθρώπους<br>Αἰδὼς καὶ Νέμεσις· τὰ δὲ λείψεται ἄλγεα λυγρὰ<br>θνητοῖς ἀνθρώποισι· κακοῦ δ᾿ οὐκ ἔσσεται ἀλκή. ** Then, following th'immortals, Fate and Modesty<br>Mankind deserted, leaving to mortal men<br>A legacy of woe that nought can cure. ** Lines 199–201 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/312/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * Ἄφρων δ᾽, ὅς κ᾽ ἐθέλῃ πρὸς κρείσσονας ἀντιφερίζειν·<br />νίκης τε στέρεται πρός τ᾽ αἴσχεσιν ἄλγεα πάσχει. ** He is a fool who tries to withstand the stronger, for he does not get the mastery and suffers pain besides his shame. ** Lines 210–211 * Παθὼν δέ τε νήπιος ἔγνω. ** Only when he has suffered does the fool learn. ** Line 218 * Οἳ δὲ δίκας ξείνοισι καὶ ἐνδήμοισι διδοῦσιν<br />ἰθείας καὶ μή τι παρεκβαίνουσι δικαίου,<br />τοῖσι τέθηλε πόλις, λαοὶ δ᾽ ἀνθεῦσιν ἐν αὐτῇ. ** But they will give straight judgements to strangers and to the men of the land, and go not aside from what is just, their city flourishes, and the people prosper in it. ** Line 225 * πολλάκι καὶ ξύμπασα πόλις κακοῦ ἀνδρὸς ἀπηύρα. ** Often an entire city has suffered because of an evil man. ** Variant translation: Oft hath even a whole city reaped the evil fruit of a bad man. ** Line 240 * Ἐγγὺς γὰρ ἐν ἀνθρώποισιν ἐόντες<br />ἀθάνατοι φράζονται, ὅσοι σκολιῇσι δίκῃσιν<br />ἀλλήλους τρίβουσι θεῶν ὄπιν οὐκ ἀλέγοντες. ** The deathless gods are near among men and mark all those who oppress their fellows with crooked judgements, and reck not the anger of the gods. ** Line 249–251 * Ὄφρ᾽ ἀποτείσῃ<br />δῆμος ἀτασθαλίας βασιλέων, οἳ λυγρὰ νοεῦντες<br />ἄλλῃ παρκλίνωσι δίκας σκολιῶς ἐνέποντες. ** [Thus] the people pay for the mad folly of their princes who, evilly minded, pervert judgement and give sentence crookedly. ** Line 260–262 * οἷ γ᾽ αὐτῷ κακὰ τεύχει ἀνὴρ ἄλλῳ κακὰ τεύχων<br/>ἡ δὲ κακὴ βουλὴ τῷ βουλεύσαντι κακίστη. ** He harms himself who does harm to another, and the evil plan is most harmful to the planner. ** The man who does evil to another does evil to himself, and the evil counsel is most evil for him who counsels it. ** He for himself weaves woe who weaves for others woe,<br/>and evil counsel recoils on the counsellor. [https://archive.org/stream/b24865898#page/432/mode/2up] ** Lines 265–266 * Ἐπεὶ κακὸν ἄνδρα δίκαιον<br />ἔμμεναι, εἰ μείζω γε δίκην ἀδικώτερος ἕξει. ** For then it is a bad thing to be righteous — if indeed the unrighteous shall have the greater right. ** Line 271 * Ἀνδρὸς δ᾽ εὐόρκου γενεὴ μετόπισθεν ἀμείνων. ** The generation of the man who swears truly is better thenceforward. ** Line 285 * τὴν μέν τοι κακότητα καὶ ἰλαδὸν ἔστιν ἑλέσθαι<br />ῥηιδίως· λείη μὲν ὁδός, μάλα δ᾿ ἐγγύθι ναίει·<br />τῆς δ᾿ ἀρετῆς ἱδρῶτα θεοὶ προπάροιθεν ἔθηκαν<br />ἀθάνατοι· μακρὸς δὲ καὶ ὄρθιος οἶμος ἐς αὐτὴν<br />καὶ τρηχὺς τὸ πρῶτον· ἐπὴν δ᾿ εἰς ἄκρον ἵκηται,<br />ῥηιδίη δὴ ἔπειτα πέλει, χαλεπή περ ἐοῦσα. ** Badness you can get easily, in quantity: the road is smooth, and it lies close by. But in front of [[excellence]] the immortal gods have put sweat, and long and steep is the way to it, and rough at first. But when you come to the top, then it is easy, even though it is hard. ** Lines 287–292 * Οὗτος μὲν πανάριστος, ὃς αὐτὸς πάντα νοήσει,<br />φρασσάμενος, τά κ᾽ ἔπειτα καὶ ἐς τέλος ᾖσιν ἀμείνω·<br />ἐσθλὸς δ᾽ αὖ καὶ κεῖνος, ὃς εὖ εἰπόντι πίθηται·<br />ὃς δέ κε μήτ᾽ αὐτὸς νοέῃ μήτ᾽ ἄλλου ἀκούων<br />ἐν θυμῷ βάλληται, ὁ δ᾽ αὖτ᾽ ἀχρῄος ἀνήρ. ** This man, I say, is most [[perfect]] who shall have [[understood]] [[everything]] for himself, after having devised what may be best afterward and unto the [[end]]: and good again is he likewise who shall have complied with one advising him well: but whoso neither himself hath understanding, nor when he hears another, lays it to heart, he on the other hand is a worthless man. ** Lines 293–297 **:<small>Also quoted from Hesiod by [[Aristotle]], in [[Aristotle#The_Ethics_Of_Aristotle_(Vol._I)|''Nicomachean Ethics'']] bk. I ch. 2 (1095b10)</small> * Λιμὸς γάρ τοι πάμπαν ἀεργῷ σύμφορος ἀνδρί. ** Hunger is altogether a meet comrade for the sluggard. ** Line 302 * σοὶ δ᾿ ἔργα φίλ᾿ ἔστω μέτρια κοσμεῖν,<br /> ὥς κέ τοι ὡραίου βιότου πλήθωσι καλιαί. ** Let it please thee to keep in order a moderate-sized farm, that so thy garners may be full of fruits in their season. ** Lines 306–307 * Ἔργον δ᾽ οὐδὲν ὄνειδος, ἀεργίη δέ τ᾽ ὄνειδος. ** Work is no disgrace; it is idleness which is a disgrace. ** Line 311 * αἰδὼς δ᾿ οὐκ ἀγαθὴ κεχρημένον ἄνδρα κομίζει,<br>αἰδώς, ἥ τ᾿ ἄνδρας μέγα σίνεται ἠδ᾿ ὀνίνησιν·<br>αἰδώς τοι πρὸς ἀνολβίῃ, θάρσος δὲ πρὸς ὄλβῳ. ** False shame keeps company with him that's poor;<br>Shame that or harries man or profits him.<br>Shame poverty pursues, and rashness wealth. ** Lines 317–319 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/314/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * Χρήματα δ᾽ οὐχ ἁρπακτά· θεόσδοτα πολλὸν ἀμείνω. ** Wealth should not be seized: god-given wealth is much better. ** Line 320 * Τὸν φιλέοντ᾿ ἐπὶ δαῖτα καλεῖν, τὸν δ᾿ ἐχθρὸν ἐᾶσαι. ** Invite the man that loves thee to a feast, but let alone thine enemy. ** Line 342 * Πῆμα κακὸς γείτων, ὅσσον τ᾽ ἀγαθὸς μέγ᾽ ὄνειαρ. ** A bad neighbor is a misfortune, as much as a good one is a great blessing. ** Line 346 * μὴ κακὰ κερδαίνειν: κακὰ κέρδεα ἶσ᾽ ἀάτῃσιν ** Do not seek evil gains; evil gains are the equivalent of disaster. ** Gain not base gains; base gains are the same as [[losses]]. ** Line 352 *:<small>Compare [[Book of Proverbs|Proverbs]] 15:6:<br>The gains of the wicked bring trouble.</small> * Εἰ γάρ κεν καὶ σμικρὸν ἐπὶ σμικρῷ καταθεῖο<br />καὶ θαμὰ τοῦτ᾽ ἔρδοις, τάχα κεν μέγα καὶ τὸ γένοιτο. ** If you should put even a little on a little, and should do this often, soon this too would become big. ** Variant translation: If each shouldst lay up even a little upon a little, and shouldst do this often, soon would even this become great. ** Lines 361–362 * Οἴκοι βέλτερον εἶναι. ** There's no place like [[home]]. ** Line 365 * Ἀρχομένου δὲ πίθου καὶ λήγοντος κορέσασθαι,<br />μεσσόθι φείδεσθαι· δειλὴ δ᾿ ἐν πυθμένι φειδώ. ** Take your fill when the cask is first opened and when it is nearly spent, but midways be sparing: it is poor saving when you come to the lees. ** Lines 368–369 (translated by Hugh G. Evelyn-White) ** Variant translation: At the beginning of the cask and at the end take thy fill, but be saving in the middle; for at the bottom saving comes too late. * μισθὸς δ᾿ ἀνδρὶ φίλῳ εἰρημένος ἄρκιος ἔστω·<br />καί τε κασιγνήτῳ γελάσας ἐπὶ μάρτυρα θέσθαι. ** Let the price fixed with a [[friend]] be sufficient, and even dealing with a brother call in witnesses, but laughingly. ** Lines 370–371 * Πίστεις ἄρ τοι ὁμῶς καὶ ἀπιστίαι ὤλεσαν ἄνδρας. ** For trust and mistrust, alike ruin men. ** Line 373 * μὴ δὲ γυνή σε νόον πυγοστόλος ἐξαπατάτω<br/>αἱμύλα κωτίλλουσα, τεὴν διφῶσα καλιήν. ** Do not let a flaunting woman coax and cozen and deceive you: she is after your barn. <br/>(translated by Hugh G. Evelyn-White) ** Do not let any sweet-talking woman beguile your good sense with the fascinations of her shape. It’s your barn she's after. <br/>(translated by Richmond Lattimore) ** Lines 373–374 * Ὃς δὲ γυναικὶ πέποιθε, πέποιθ᾽ ὅ γε φιλήτῃσιν. ** The man who trusts womankind trusts deceivers. ** Line 375 * Ἐργάζευ, νήπιε Πέρση,<br />ἔργα, τά τ᾽ ἀνθρώποισι θεοὶ διετεκμήραντο,<br />μή ποτε σὺν παίδεσσι γυναικί τε θυμὸν ἀχεύων<br />ζητεύῃς βίοτον κατὰ γείτονας, οἳ δ᾽ ἀμελῶσιν. ** Work the work which the gods ordained for men, lest in bitter anguish of spirit you with your wife and children seek your livelihood amongst your neighbours, and they do not heed you. ** Lines 397–400 * Μηδ᾽ ἀναβάλλεσθαι ἔς τ᾽ αὔριον ἔς τε ἔνηφιν·<br />οὐ γὰρ ἐτωσιοεργὸς ἀνὴρ πίμπλησι καλιὴν<br />οὐδ᾽ ἀναβαλλόμενος· μελέτη δὲ τὸ ἔργον ὀφέλλει·<br />αἰεὶ δ᾽ ἀμβολιεργὸς ἀνὴρ ἄτῃσι παλαίει. ** Do not put your work off till to-morrow and the day after; for a sluggish worker does not fill his barn, nor one who puts off his work: industry makes work go well, but a man who puts off work is always at hand-grips with ruin. ** Lines 410–413 * Οὐκ αἰεὶ θέρος ἐσσεῖται· ποιεῖσθε καλιάς. ** It will not always be summer, build barns. ** Line 503 * ἠώς τοι προφέρει μὲν ὁδοῦ, προφέρει δὲ καὶ ἔργου. ** The dawn speeds a man on his journey, and speeds him too in his work. ** Line 579 * Nῆ᾽ ὀλίγην αἰνεῖν, μεγάλῃ δ᾽ ἐνὶ φορτία θέσθαι·<br />μείζων μὲν φόρτος, μεῖζον δ᾽ ἐπὶ κέρδει κέρδος<br />ἔσσεται, εἴ κ᾽ ἄνεμοί γε κακὰς ἀπέχωσιν ἀήτας. ** Admire a small ship, but put your freight in a large one; for the greater the lading, the greater will be your piled gain, if only the winds will keep back their harmful gales. ** Lines 643–645 * Μέτρα φυλάσσεσθαι· καιρὸς δ᾽ ἐπὶ πᾶσιν ἄριστος. ** Observe due [[measure]], for right [[timing]] is in all things the most important factor. ** Line 694 * Ὡραῖος δὲ γυναῖκα τεὸν ποτὶ οἶκον ἄγεσθαι,<br />μήτε τριηκόντων ἐτέων μάλα πόλλ᾽ ἀπολείπων<br />μήτ᾽ ἐπιθεὶς μάλα πολλά· γάμος δέ τοι ὥριος οὗτος. ** Bring home a wife to your house when you are of the right age, while you are not far short of thirty years nor much above; this is the right age for marriage. ** Lines 695–697 * Οὐ μὲν γάρ τι γυναικὸς ἀνὴρ ληίζετ᾽ ἄμεινον<br />τῆς ἀγαθῆς, τῆς δ᾽ αὖτε κακῆς οὐ ῥίγιον ἄλλο. ** For a man wins nothing better than a good wife, and, again, nothing worse than a bad one. ** Lines 702–703 * μὴ δὲ κασιγνήτῳ ἶσον ποιεῖσθαι ἑταῖρον·<br />εἰ δέ κε ποιήσῃ, μή μιν πρότερος κακὸν ἔρξαι. ** Neither make thy friend equal to a brother; but if thou shalt have made him so, be not the first to do him wrong. ** Lines 707–708 * Μηδὲ πολύξεινον μηδ᾽ ἄξεινον καλέεσθαι,<br />μηδὲ κακῶν ἕταρον μηδ᾽ ἐσθλῶν νεικεστῆρα. ** Do not get a name either as lavish or as churlish; as a friend of rogues or as a slanderer of good men. ** Lines 715–716 * Γλώσσης τοι θησαυρὸς ἐν ἀνθρώποισιν ἄριστος<br />φειδωλῆς. ** The best treasure a man can have is a sparing tongue. ** Line 719–720 * Φήμη γάρ τε κακὴ πέλεται, κούφη μὲν ἀεῖραι<br />ῥεῖα μάλ᾽, ἀργαλέη δὲ φέρειν, χαλεπὴ δ᾽ ἀποθέσθαι.<br />φήμη δ᾽ οὔ τις πάμπαν ἀπόλλυται, ἥν τινα πολλοὶ<br />λαοὶ φημίξωσι· θεός νύ τίς ἐστι καὶ αὐτή. ** [[Gossip]] is mischievous, light and easy to raise, but grievous to bear and hard to get rid of. No gossip ever dies away entirely, if many people voice it: it too is a kind of divinity. ** Line 761–764 * Ἄλλοτε μητρυιὴ πέλει ἡμέρη, ἄλλοτε μήτηρ. ** Sometimes a day is a step mother, sometimes a mother. ** Line 825 === Fragments === ==== ''{{w|Catalogue of Women}}'' or ''Eoiae'' (c. 630–520 BC) ==== * ἣ δ᾿ ὑποκεισαμένη Διὶ γείνατο τερπικεραύνῳ<br />υἷε δύω, Μάγνητα Μακηδόνα θ᾿ ἱππιοχάρμην,<br />οἳ περὶ Πιερίην καὶ Ὄλυμπον δώματ᾿ ἔναιον. ** And she conceived and bare to Zeus who delights in the [[thunderbolt]] two sons, Magnes and Macedon, rejoicing in [[horses]], who dwell round about Pieria and Olympus. ** Frg. 7 Merkelbach-West (tr. [https://archive.org/details/hesiodhomerichym00hesi_0/page/156/mode/2up H. G. Evelyn-White, 1914]) * νήπιος, ὃς τὰ ἑτοῖμα λιπὼν ἀνέτοιμα διώκει. ** He is a fool who leaves things close at hand<br>To follow what is out of reach. ** Frg. 61 M.-W. (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/plutarch-moralia_talkativeness/1939/pb_LCL337.415.xml F. C. Babbitt, 1939]); assignment to the ''Catalogue'' conjectural ==== Fragments of uncertain placement ==== * μηδὲ δίκην δικάσῃς, πρὶν ἄμφω μῦθον ἀκούσῃς. ** Decide no suit until you have heard both sides speak. ** Frg. 338 M.-W. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/hesiodhomerichym00hesi_0/page/72/mode/2up H. G. Evelyn-White, 1914]) {{Misattributed begin}} == Disputed == * I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint. ** This quote has been attributed to Hesiod on the internet, and even published with citation as a dubious attribution, but there are no known occurrences of it in his writings. * The gods have placed sweat as the price of all things. ** Perhaps a mistranslation (or loose interpretation) of line 289 of Works and Days, actually: **: ''But in front of excellence the immortal gods have put sweat'' {{Misattributed end}} ==Quotes about Hesiod== * "What was at the beginning?" [[w:Olof Gigon|Gigon]] said of Hesiod, "is the question of history precisely at the point where it turns into philosophy... The question Hesiod poses is no longer about the historical past, but about the beginning of what exists, the question of philosophical origins..." But "history" is wholly out of place here. Hesiod is foreshadowing the step from ''mythos'' to ''logos'', and that step was not mediated by history. It bypassed history altogether. It moved from the timelessness of myth to the timelessness of metaphysics. ** [[Moses I. Finley]], [http://www.longwood.edu/staff/isaacsw/fin.pdf "Myth, Memory, and History"] (1965), p. 287 * The ''Works and Days'' expressed the [[present]]. The new [[poetry]] expresses the person in the present, the particular [[individual]] and how he is different from others. And celebrates the difference. And as it does so, we can trace a progressive filling out and stretching of the earlier preconscious hypostases into the [[mind]] [[space]] of [[consciousness]]. ** [[w:Julian Jaynes|Julian Jaynes]], ''[[w:Bicameralism (psychology)|The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind]]'' (1976), p. 282 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource-author}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Epic poets]] iacrg0qtbxo1j74pjoiqhf7m63p2bga 0 11247 3944222 3938014 2026-05-22T15:45:43Z ~2026-30784-47 3327364 3944222 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lion King 1½|The Lion King 1½]]''''' (known internationally as '''''The Lion King 3: Hakuna Matata''''') is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:Direct-to-video|direct-to-video]] live-action/[[w:Animation|animated]] [[w:Musical film|musical film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and [[w:Disneytoon Studios|Disneytoon Studios]] and distributed by [[w:Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment|Walt Disney Home Entertainment]] on June 10, 2004. This middle-of-the-road feature retells the story of the [[w:1994 in film|1994]] blockbuster, ''[[The Lion King]]'', in [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon and Pumbaa]]'s perspective. ''At the top of this page, when it said it was 2D-animated and live action, a cameo of a live action TV commercial (which actually had humans in it) was shown when the hyenas were chasing Uncle Max, but then Pumbaa accidentally sat on the remote and then fixes it and turns the movie back on. For the soundtrack, see'' [[w:The Lion King 1½#Soundtrack|The Lion King 1½: Songs From Timon and Pumbaa's Hilarious Adventure]]. ''For the song called'' "[[w:Rhythm of the Pride Lands#Track listing|The Warthog Rhapsody]]", ''which has the same melody as the song, "That's All I Need", see it on'' [[w:Rhythm of the Pride Lands|Rhythm of the Pride Lands]]. {{center|'''Thought you knew The Lion King? You don't know the ½ of it.'''}} == [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]] == * ''[first lines; singing]'' What’s on the menu?! It could be ceviche, it's stinky, ooh, it's Pumbaa-aah...'' * [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Pumbaa]], this could be the start of a beautiful... acquaintanceship. * Friends stick together to the end. * Hey! What's going on? Pumbaa, you're sitting on the remote. ''['''Pumbaa''': Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought it was a brownie.]'' * Just eat me now and please make it fast. I got a low threshold for pain. ''['''Pumbaa''': Easy, easy there, little guy. I'm not going to eat you.]'' * ''[whispering]'' I see [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Mufasa|carnivores]]. * Oops! == [[w:Warthog|Pumbaa]] == * ''[first lines]'' I gotta tell ya, Timon, that song always gets me right here. * ''['''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': Just eat me now and please make it fast. I got a low threshold for pain.]'' Easy, easy there little guy. I'm not going to eat you. * I'm an insectivore. == [[w:Nala (The Lion King)|Nala]] == ===Cub=== * ''['''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': [[w:Simba|He's]] gone? What do you mean he's gone?]'' It's just like [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Rafiki|the baboon]] said. The king has returned. * Ohh, don't you get it? Simba needs us. Now! == [[w:Simba|Simba]] == ===Cub=== * ''[from offscreen]'' Timon. Timon. Timon! ''['''Timon''': Huh?]'' * I got to go. * You know, go...bad. * Woo-hoo! All right! ''[He looks down]'' Man, you guys look like ants down there. * ''[from offscreen]'' Timon. * ''[hugging [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon and Pumbaa]].]'' I couldn't have done it without you, guys. * [[w:Hakuna Matata (song)|Three pals and no worries]]. * ''[same lines from the [[The Lion King|first film]].]'' Listen, [[w:Nala (The Lion King)|you]] think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don't even know what I've been through! ''['''Nala''': I would if you'd just tell me.]'' Forget it! ''['''Nala''': Fine!]'' == [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]] == * ''['''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Ma|Ma]]''': Something's different about [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]].]'' You think? HE'S WEARING A '''DRESS'''!!! * I flinched when I should have scurried. * This is no time for horseplay, Timon. You’re supposed to be up there looking out for... ''[Looks at Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed]'' '''HYENAS!!!''' * Scurry, sniff, flinch! Scurry, sniff, flinch! Scurry, sniff, flinch! Good. Now, what do we do if we see a hyena? ('''Timon''': Scream, "Mommy!"?) That's right, mister! Because the world out there is fraught with danger. Fraught, I tell you! Even all bloodthirsty hyenas are waiting to rip us limb from limb! ('''Timon''': Bravo, Uncle Max. Way to sell it to the cheap seats.) Applaud now, sonny boy, but try clapping when you don't have any hands. *No, I haven't seen Timon. And what a day it's been! No fractures, no lacerations, no concussions, contusions or injuries of any sort. As a matter of fact, there's no sign of Timon's handiwork anywhere! (the ceiling of the tunnel collapses) That's would be... ''[cries out in anger]'' '''TIMON!!!''' == [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Ma|Ma]] == * ''['''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': I was just trying to shed a little light on our pathetic existence.]'' Timon, this can't go on. Just this month, you've pulled down four walls and collapsed two tunnel exits. We have to look after each other. Our survival depends on it. ''['''Timon''': What's the point? All we do is dig so we can hide, and hide so we can dig. I want to be where we don't have to dig tunnels and live with our heads stuck in the sand. What's so bad about dreaming of a better home?]'' I want to show you something. Look, Timon. Go on, look. Look out to the horizon, past the trees, over the grasslands. Everything the light touches belongs to someone else. ''['''Timon''': Funny, I thought you were going a whole different direction with this.]'' * Well, I hope you find what you're looking for, honey. * Get in here! What are you a meshugginah! ==Zazu== * Look, sire, how they kneel before the royal son. * Sire, the hyenas are after the children! ==Others== *'''Mufasa''': Look out, Simba! == Dialogue == :''[first lines; film starts in opens to '''[[The Lion King]]''' plays briefly.]'' :'''Timon''': ''[first lines; singing]'' What's on the menu? It could be ceviche, it's stinky, ooh, it's Pumbaa-aah! :'''Pumbaa''': I gotta tell ya, Timon, that song always gets me right here. :'''Timon''': Yeah, Pumbaa. Well, enough of that. ''[fast forwards the first movie]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Uh, Timon? What are you doing? :'''Timon''': I'm fast forwarding to the part where we come in. :'''Pumbaa''': But you can't go out of order. ''[stops to the part before the final verse of Hakuna Matata where Simba grows into an adult]'' :'''Timon''': Au contraire my porcine pal, I've, got the remote. :'''Pumbaa''': But everyone's gonna get to confused. We've got to go back to the beginning of the story. ''[rewinds the movie]'' :'''Timon''': We're not in the beginning of the story. ''[stops at the presentation of Simba then fast forwards again]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Yes we were, the whole time. ''[stops at Timon shocked face then rewinds again]'' :'''Timon''': Yeah, but they don't know that. ''[stops at the reunion with Simba and Nala then fast forwards third time]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Then why don't you tell them our story?! ''[stops at the hyenas]'' :'''Timon and Pumbaa''': Aaaaaah! :'''Timon''': Hey, I've got an idea, why don't you tell them our story? :'''Pumbaa''': Oh! I like the sound of that. :'''Timon''': A little backstage tour, take them behind the scenes while revealing, the intimate look in the story within the story. :'''Pumbaa''': Because what they don't know is how we really were there even though they didn't know we were there you know?! :'''Timon''': Couldn't have said it better myself. ''[rewinds the movie to the very beginning]'' :'''Pumbaa''': So, does this mean we're going back to the beginning? :'''Timon''': Oh, no, Pumbaa, no. We're going way back, to before, to the beginning. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timon''': Yeah, Pumbaa, but it ain't pretty. ''[Timon sullenly lifts the remote and clicks it. The movie resumes. Timon's voice is heard over the footage.] Please remain seated while the camera is in motion. ''[The camera pans out rapidly from Pride Rock, passing multiple animals and locations, including the Elephant Graveyard, Rafiki's tree, and the gorge. It stops in an empty barren field.]'' [from offscreen] Here we are. [A tumbleweed blows by.] From Pride Rock to the pit of shame. We're so low on the food chain, we're underground! :'''Chorus''': ♪ [in the background] Semon pute! ♪ :'''Timon''': [from offscreen] But you don't have to take my word for it. I'll just let my fellow meerkats do the talking. :''[A one meerkat emerges from a hole in the ground.]'' :'''Meerkat''': ♪ What was that? ♪ :''[Several meerkats emerge from holes in the ground.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ What was what? ♪ :''[Several meerkats emerge from holes in the ground.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ What was that? [Several meerkats emerge from holes in the ground.] What was that? [More and more meerkats emerge.] Where? What? Where? Where? What was that? Shhh! [The meerkats look left, then right. Still more meerkats stand on nearby rocks as sentries.] Quick, before the hyena come. ♪ :'''Meerkat sentry''': Clear! :''[The meerkats duck back underground and start digging tunnels.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ''[singing]'' "♪ Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [The meerkats crisscross their tunnels.] When you're done, ya digga bigger tunnah. [The meerkats all begin digging downward so their tunnels run parallel.] Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Below ground, the colony carries small rocks through a tunnel.] Quick, before the hyena come. Dig! Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats dig down into an open tunnel, then tunnel into the floor.] You could dig and never get done. Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats stick their heads into the tunnel.] What was that? [The meerkats look right, then left, then forward.] Quick, before the hyena come. Dig! [Several meerkats march single-file into the tunnel.] Digga tunnah is what we do. [The meerkats begin passing rocks down a line.] Life's a tunnah. We're diggin' through. [Several meerkats stick their heads through holes in the tunnel wall.] Digga tunnah is what we sing. [A line of meerkats carrying a stick marches by.] Digga tunnah is everything. [Several lines of meerkats carrying sticks approach a wall of the tunnel.] Mud and clay is a meerkat's friend. [The meerkats prop the sticks against the floor and ceiling.] Always more around every bend. [Several meerkats dance out of slits in the tunnel wall.] And when you get to your tunnah's end, hallelujah! Let's dig again! [The meerkats splay their fingers.] Dig! [Several meerkats march in place in a row.] Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [The meerkats pass rocks down the line.] When you're done, ya digga bigger tunnah. Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats emerge from the ground and ceiling.] What was that? [The meerkats look one way, then another, then forward.] Quick, before the hyena come. ♪ " :'''Meerkat''': ♪ Dig! ♪ <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timon''': I was just trying to shed a little light on our pathetic existence. :''[The scene transitions to a grassy plain. Ma continues to walk side-by-side with Timon. She dusts off his side.]'' :'''Ma''': Timon, [Ma darts behind Timon to dust off his back.] this can't go on. Just this month, [Ma darts back to Timon's side to dust it off.] you've pulled down four walls and collapsed two tunnel exits. [Ma licks one paw and uses it to smooth down Timon's hair.] We have to look after each other. Our survival depends on it. :''[Ma continues to smooth down Timon's hair.]'' :'''Timon''': What's the point? All we do is dig so we can hide and hide so we can dig. [Ma stops combing Timon's hair, which immediately poofs up. He glares up at it with one eye closed. Then he holds his head with both hands.] I want to be where we don't have to dig tunnels and [Timon strides away from Ma.] live with our heads stuck in the sand. [Timon parts some nearby grass.] What's so bad about dreaming of a better home? :''[Ma joins Timon, who is overlooking the open savanna.]'' :'''Ma''': I wanna show you something. [Ma looks out over the savanna.] Look, Timon. [Ma uses one paw to angle Timon's head toward the savanna.] Go on, look. Look out to the horizon, [The camera slowly pans out to reveal the Pride Lands in all its glory.] past the trees, over the grasslands. [Timon stares in awe and grins.] Everything the light touches. Belongs to someone else. :''[Timon's expression turns to confusion, then annoyance. The grass falls back into place, hiding him from view.]'' :'''Timon''': [from offscreen] Funny. I thought you were going a whole different direction with this. :''[Ma leads Timon away from the grass.]'' :'''Ma''': What can I say? It's nature's design. :''[Uncle Max pokes his head through some nearby grass, causing Timon and Ma to pull up short.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': She's right! [Uncle Max shakes Timon.] We're food for other animals. [Uncle Max swings Timon back and forth as he looks from left to right.] A moveable feast. [Uncle Max hugs Timon close.] Feared by no one and eaten by all! :'''Timon''': But when they die, they become the grass. And we eat the grass, right? :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Not exactly. We can't digest grass. We're grass intolerant. :''[Ma approaches and pulls Timon out of Uncle Max's grip.]'' :'''Ma''': Okay, Max. :''[Uncle Max nibbles at his fingernails.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': *whimpers* :'''Ma''': Thank you. You've been a big help. [to Timon] Honey, I– :''[Uncle Max erupts from the grass in front of Timon and Ma, halting them in their tracks.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Meerkat! It's what's for dinner! :''[Ma darts in front of Timon and points accusingly at Uncle Max.]'' :'''Ma''': Thank you, Uncle Max! :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Ugh. :''[Uncle Max disappears into the grass.]'' :'''Timon''': I think Uncle Max [Timon makes the sign for "crazy."] dislodged one too many rocks with his skull. :''[Ma steps in front of Timon.]'' :'''Ma''': But he's right, Timon. [Ma licks one paw and uses it to smooth down Timon's hair.] Oh, I just [Ma squashes a nearby flying insect in her paws and uses it on Timon's hair like it's gel.] know there's a way for you to fit in here. ''[Timon looks up pitifully with his hair smoothed down. A single strand flicks up.]'' :'''Timon''': *sighs* :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': [from offscreen] All right. Who's on sentry duty? :''[Ma thinks for a moment. Then her face lights up.]'' :'''Ma''': That's it! [Ma seizes Timon by the arms. He looks back uncertainly.] That's it! My son on sentry duty! Timon the sentry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene transitions to the open savanna. Timon and Uncle Max stand on a rock beneath a short tree. Uncle Max scurries along the ground, sniffs the air, then flinches.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Scurry, sniff, flinch! [Uncle Max repeats the demonstration. Timon stands on the ground nearby, leaning one-armed against the tree.] Scurry, sniff, flinch! [Timon rolls his eyes.] Scurry, sniff, flinch! [Uncle Max tucks a stick under his arm like a he's a [[wikipedia:Drill instructor|drill sergeant]].] Good. Now, [Uncle Max slides down the rock to the ground and walks side-by-side with Timon.] what do we do if we see a hyena? :'''Timon''': Scream, "Mommy!"? :''[Timon and Uncle Max pause. Uncle Max points his finger at Timon.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': That's right, mister! Because [Uncle Max grabs Timon by the shoulder and points a finger again at the savanna.] the world out there is fraught with danger. [Uncle Max shakes Timon.] Fraught, I tell you! :'''Timon''': Oh, boy. It's the fraught fest. :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': [in the background] Even all bloodthirsty hyenas are waiting to rip us limb from limb! :'''Timon''': Bravo, Uncle Max. [Timon claps.] Way to sell it to the cheap seats. :''[Uncle Max seizes Timon by the wrists.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Applaud now, sonny boy! [severely] But try clapping when you don't have any hands. :''[Uncle Max stalks offscreen. Timon stares at his hands.]'' :'''Timon''': *gulps* [Timon darts onto the rock. He scurries along the ground, sniffs the air, then flinches.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. [The savanna is peaceful and quiet. Timon looks back and forth. He repeats the exercise.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. [The savanna is peaceful and quiet. Music starts playing softly.] Huh. [Timon smiles.] I like the sound of that. [Timon repeats the exercise.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. [The savanna is peaceful and quiet. Timon continues to repeat the exercise. As he does so, he begins to dance, more and more flamboyantly.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. Scurry, sniff, flinch. Scurry, sniff, flinch! ♪ There's more to life than panic and bein' some other guy's snack. [Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed emerge from behind a nearby rock.] Eugh! [Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed duck out of view.] I may be delicious, organic, [Timon swings his fists at the air.] but this little entree's fightin' back! [Timon swings his fist so hard that he spins around several times. He begins strutting across the rock, then grabs onto the tree's trunk.] I'm gonna put diggin' tunnels behind me and live at a new altitude. [Timon climbs up onto a branch and throws an armful of leaves into the air.] I'm gonna reach for the stars to remind me that meerkats are not merely food! [Timon steps onto a nearby cloud.] For once I'll be [Timon surfs away on the cloud.] lookin' out for me. [The cloud drifts into an idyllic jungle paradise.] Yeah! [Timon dives off the cloud into a waterfall below.] I'll tell you what I want. [Timon slides down the waterfall.] This cat is movin' on, [The momentum of Timon's fall throws him into the air.] where he's a bon vivant [Timon dives into a pool below.] who's missin' out on bon. [Timon swims underwater.] I'd be a bigger cheese far from the desert scene. [Timon disappears into a school of fish, which turns into a pile of butterflies.] A little cooling breeze. [The butterflies part one by one.] A little patch of green! [The butterflies part fully to reveal Timon holding a drink and lounging in a hammock by a waterfall. Two peacocks fan him with their tails.] And I'll be snoozin' in my hammock by a rippling stream, many miles from any tunnel and the digging team. [A pile of grubs dominates the screen. The grubs partially morph into Timon's face.] Looking after number one will be my only creed. That's all I need. [Timon eats the grubs.] *slurps* [Timon lifts his hands into the air.] That's all I need! [Timon dances the "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" atop a mound of grubs.] I've always been good at runnin' away. [Timon switches directions and repeats the dance.] Well, now, I'm gonna run the show-oh! [The lights darken overhead, and the jungle backdrop slides offscreen, as if it's part of a theater production. Timon stands alone on his rock in the savanna.] I've always been seen as the ultimate prey, [Timon lifts his hands into the air.] but now, my status ain't so quo! [Banzai and Ed emerge on either side of Timon.] A dream sublime. [Shenzi emerges behind Timon, who lifts his hands into the air.] It's hyena time! [Shenzi claps, startling Timon.] Oh! ♪ :''[After the ''That's All I Need'' song]'' :'''Shenzi''': ''[applauds]'' Oh, look, it's dinner and a show. :'''Banzai''': ''[snickers evilly]'' And I thought beans were the only musical food. ''[Ed laughs evilly]'' :'''Timon''': Hy... Hy... Hy... :'''Shenzi''': Well, hi to you, too. ''[smacks Timon with her paw, who rolls down the hill]'' :'''Timon''': ''[bumps into Uncle Max]'' Aw. I'm okay. :'''Uncle Max''': This is no time for horseplay, Timon. You're supposed to be up there looking out for... [''Shenzi, Ed and Banzai the hyenas go near''] '''''HYENAS!!!''''' :''[The meerkats gasp, then run and scatter in panic, while screaming and waving their hands in the air.]'' :''[Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed stand over the meerkat colony running in horror and fear, watching them.]'' :'''Banzai''': Whoa, look at 'em scramble! :''[Shenzi crouches.]'' :'''Shenzi''': And that's just how I like them... :''[Uncle Max, who is running, pulls up short.]'' :'''Uncle Max''': *screams* :''[Behind him, several meerkats crash into him, pushing him into Shenzi's snout.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *grunt* :'''Shenzi''': Scrambled... :''[Shenzi licks Uncle Max, lifting him into the air.]'' :'''Uncle Max'':' *screams* :'''Shenzi''': And a little bit runny. :''[The colony runs around in a panic.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *scream* [Several meerkats race past Timon, who ducks, with his hands covering his head.] Hyenas! :''[Shenzi and Banzai race after the meerkats, ignoring Timon.]'' :'''Shenzi and Banzai''': *laugh* :''[Ed races after Shenzi and Banzai, ignoring Timon.]'' :'''Ed''': *laughs* :''[After the hyenas pass, Timon lowers his hands and relaxes.]'' :'''Timon''': *sighs* :''[From behind, a hand grabs Timon and starts to drag him into a hole in the ground. He resists, but is eventually pulled underground. It is revealed that the hand belongs to Ma.]'' :'''Ma''': Get in here! What are you, a meshugginah? [shakes Timon] :''[Several meerkats dive for cover in a hole in the ground, while Ed snaps at them.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *whimper* [Ed continually misses the meerkats, who slip by him to safety.] *screams* Whoa! :''[Uncle Max runs for the hole, but Ed covers it with both paws and grins evilly.]'' :'''Ed''': *laughs* :''[Uncle Max skids to a halt.]'' :'''Uncle Max''': *gasps* :''[Ed grins down at Uncle Max, tongue lolling.]'' :'''Ed''': *laughs* :''[Underground, the meerkat colony gathers in a tense huddle around Ma and Timon.]'' :'''Ma''': Stumpy? :'''Stumpy''': [from offscreen] Here! :'''Ma''': Flinchy? :'''Flinchy''': [from offscreen] Here! :'''Ma''': Swifty? :'''Swifty''': [from offscreen] Here! :''[Ma rubs her forehead.]'' :'''Ma''': Oh, what a relief. Everybody's... *gasps* Where's Uncle Max? :''[Uncle Max runs from Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed.]'' :'''Uncle Max''': *screams* :'''Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed''': *yip* :''[Several meerkats emerge from a hole in the ground and spot Uncle Max.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *gasp* :''[Uncle Max dodges several attacks from Shenzi and Banzai.]'' :'''Meerkat''': Max! Run for your life! :'''Meerkat''': [from offscreen] Play dead! :'''Meerkat''': [from offscreen] Ándale! :'''Meerkat''': [from offscreen] Almost there! :''[The channel suddenly changes to the show, revealing a woman talking about the purse.]'' :'''Timon''': Hey, what's going on? Pumbaa, you're sitting on the remote? :'''Pumbaa''': ''[realizes]'' Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought it was a brownie. ''[changes it back to Uncle Max being chased by hyenas]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': I flinched when I should have scurried. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the hyena chase; The meerkat stare at Timon.]'' :'''Timon''': I, uh... I guess I owe everyone an apology. All right, so I made a teensy mistake, like we all haven't broken into song on sentry duty before uh-haha come on, let me have a show of hands! Okay. ''[a short pause]'' Maybe it's a little too soon but I'm sure we're all going to laugh about this someday. Trust me. :'''Uncle Max''': ''[sternly]'' I did trust you. :'''Timon''': But--. :''[The meerkats starts to leave. Ma worriedly looks at Timon before leaving.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Pumbaa]]''': Um... I don't do so well in crowds. Maybe we better go around. :'''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': Don't you know the shortest distance between me and my dream home is a straight line? Follow me. :'''Animal #1''': Oh. :'''Timon''': Excuse me. :'''Animal #2''': Ow. :'''Animal #3''': Hello. :'''Animal #4''': Goodness. :'''Timon''': Make room. Make room. Watch it, Twiggy. [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm walking here]]. :'''Buffalo''': ''*[snorts]*'' :''[Pumbaa and Timon wade through the crowd. The animals including [[wikipedia:black rhinoceros|rhino]], [[wikipedia:topi|topi antelope]], [[wikipedia:reticulated giraffe|giraffe]], [[wikipedia:zebra|zebra]], [[wikipedia:thomson's gazelle|gazelle]] & [[wikipedia:african buffalo|buffalo]] nervously look at them]'' :'''Pumbaa''': ''[Hears his stomach growling, so he sits down and stops his stomach. He clears his throat.]'' Timon, there's something I got to tell you. :'''Timon''': Pumbaa, Pumbaa, Pumbaa. We will have a plenty of time to chat once we settle in. :'''Pumbaa''': I could really use a rest stop. :'''Timon''': ''[to Pumbaa]'' Don't worry. You'll get your second wind. :'''Pumbaa''': ''[whimpering]'' I got a really bad feeling! :'''Timon''': It'll pass. Trust me! It will pass. ''[he grabs Pumbaa's tail; Pumbaa farts, which causes them to faint and unconsious. The animals bow before [[w:Simba|Simba]].]'' :'''Zebra #1''': Oh, look. The rhinos are bowing. :'''Zebra #2''': Ooh, we'd better bow up, too. :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Zazu|Zazu]]''': Look, sire, how they kneel before the royal son. :'''Timon''': So, I guess that's your special power? What a weapon! :'''Pumbaa''': You mean, you don't mind? :'''Timon''': Are you kidding? It was a gas! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn... :'''Timon''': Yeah, that's probably for the best. ''[pauses out]'' Let's go, Pumbaa. :'''Pumbaa''': Lead the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timon''': Ah! [as a voiceover] Home, sweet home indeed. :''[The scene transitions to early morning. Timon lies asleep in his nest.]'' :'''Timon and Pumbaa''': *snore* :''[Overhead, there is the sound of distant singing.]'' :'''Timon''': *groans* [Timon turns over, holding his ears. He sits up groggily.] Ugh. :''[Timon crawls out of his nest and walks toward the shelter's entrance.]'' :'''Simba''' ♪ [from offscreen, in the background] Everybody, look left! Everybody, look right! Everywhere you look, I'm... ♪ :''[Timon grabs a stick and starts banging it against the ceiling.]'' :'''Timon''': Hey, keep it down up there! :'''Pumbaa''': We have neighbors? We should go say hello. :''[Timon keeps beating on the ceiling with his stick.]'' :'''Timon''': Noisy neighbors. [Timon pauses.] There go the property values. :''[Timon marches outside, still armed with his stick. The savanna is bathed in pastel colors.]'' :'''Pride Landers''': ''[singing, from off-screen]'' ♪ Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing! Oh, oh! [Timon gapes up at a tower of animals.] It's gonna be King Simba's finest fling! ♪ :'''Simba''': ♪ [from offscreen] Oh, I just can't wait to be king! ♪ :'''Timon''': Oh, perfect. We moved to the theater district! Get a load of these guys. :'''Simba''': ♪ [from offscreen, in the background] Oh, I just can't wait to be king! Oh, I just can't wait... ♪ :''[Timon marches up to the animal tower and whacks an elephant on the foot.]'' :'''Timon''': Knock it off! :'''Elephant''': *groans* :''[The animal tower begins to sway precariously. Pumbaa dashes for Timon.]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Timon, look out! :'''Simba''': ♪ [from offscreen] ...to be king! ♪ :''[The animals fall into a heap.]'' :'''Pride Landers''': Ah! :''[Timon and Pumbaa duck for cover in their shelter.]'' :'''Simba''': [from offscreen] I'm okay! :'''Pride Landers''': *groan* :''[Timon lies crushed beneath an animal.]'' :'''Timon''': Oy. [Timon blows away a tail that is hanging in his face.] Show people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ma''': ''Hahuna Ma-what-a?'' :'''Rafiki''': ''[chuckles]'' It means "no worries." :'''Ma''': I see... :'''Rafiki''': So, I told the boy: To find Hakuna Matata, you must look beyond what you see. :'''Ma''': Ah, a metaphor. :'''Rafiki''': Well, actually, it's not a... ''[Ma hits him with the stick]'' Ah! :'''Ma''': You used a metaphor on Timon?! He takes things literally! That's it. He's starving out there. I just know it! Max! Timon's out there chasing metaphors. I've got to go find him! :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': [from offscreen] Are you nuts?! :'''Ma''': Nice to have a supportive family, isn't it? Well, here I go. :'''Rafiki''': Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. :'''Ma''': Thanks. Here's my first step. ''[stomps on Rafiki's foot]'' :'''Timon''': ''[Screams]'' '''''OW!!!!!!''''' ''[pauses; Pumbaa pulls one of three quills]'' Aye!!! :'''Pumbaa''': This bowling from porcupines ''[spits the first quill]'' wasn't the best idea? :'''Timon''': Yeah, it got to be right up there with bobbin' for snapping turtles. Ow-ah-ahaha!! :'''Pumbaa''': That's going to leave a mark. ''[spits the second quill]'' Look, Timon. Buzzards! What do you say? One more round? :'''Timon''': Sure. There must be some part of me we haven't injured yet. :'''Pumbaa''': Please? Please, please, please, please, please? :'''Timon''': No, Pumbaa. I'm beat. You go ahead. I'm calling it a day. ''[pulls out one last quill]'' :'''Pumbaa''': But it's no fun alone. :'''Timon''': Why not? One more run won't change our lives! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the ''Can You Feel the Love Tonight'' song]'' :'''Timon''': That's it, buddy. We gave it our best shot, but he's a goner. :'''Pumbaa''': Maybe not... :'''Timon''': You never give up, do you? :'''Pumbaa''': Look! :'''Young Simba''': ''[from the [[The Lion King|first film]].]'' Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don't even know what I've been through! :'''[[w:Young Nala (The Lion King)|Young Nala]]''': I would if you'd just tell me. :'''Young Simba''': Forget it! :'''Young Nala''': Fine! :'''Timon''': Pumbaa, do you know what this means? :'''Pumbaa''': He can't express his feelings and she has commitment issues? :'''Timon''': We won! ''[laughing]'' We split them up! :'''Pumbaa''': And, uh, that's a good thing? Uh, he seems to be taking it kind of hard. :'''Timon''': Yeah, I know. Look, I... Heh. But it's the best thing for us. I mean, for him! Let's go, Pumbaa. I think this storm's coming to a head. Hakuna Matata is safe at last, pal, because nothing's going to take our boy away now. ''[later, to Young Nala about Young Simba.]'' He's gone? What do you mean he's gone?! :'''Young Nala''': It's just like the baboon said. The king has returned. ''[Timon and Pumbaa stare at her blankly. She sighs]'' You want me to go over it again? :'''Timon''': Yes please, but be a dear and skip to the part about Simba. Not that your childhood wasn't fascinating. :'''Young Nala''': Okay. Look, Simba's the rightful king, but after he disappeared, [[w:Scar (The Lion King)|Scar]] proclaimed himself the king and formed an alliance with the [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|hyenas]]... ''[As Young Nala talks, Timon and Pumbaa stop listening]'' :'''Pumbaa''': ''[thinks]'' Poor Simba. The treachery! The villainy! The sheer indescribable horror!? (Right, Timon?) :'''Timon''': ''[thinks]'' Blah, blah, blah. Why is she toying with us? This crazy chick is gonna eat us! :'''Young Nala''': ...So Simba has to go home to challenge his uncle and reclaim his place as king. ''[Timon and Pumbaa stare blankly at her]'' Ohh, don't you get it? Simba needs us. Now! ''[she runs off to find Simba]'' :'''Timon''': ''[indignant]'' He needs us? Then he shouldn't have left us! If he wants to run off to be "His Highness", well, I say, don't let the branches hit you on the way out! Leave Hakuna Matata to someone who appreciates it. ''[he strides off stubbornly]'' :'''Pumbaa''': But, Timon... It's not really Hakuna Matata without Simba. :'''Timon''': What has gotten into you? Not Hakuna Matata? That's crazy talk. Crazy talk, I tell you. Nothing's changed here. We had Hakuna Matata before Simba and we've still got it now. :'''Pumbaa''': We got to go help our friend, Timon. :'''Timon''': Et tu, Pumbaa? You're just going to walk away, give up on all this? What happened to "friends stick together to the end?" Huh? Huh? Huh? :'''Pumbaa''': ''[incisively]'' I was about to ask you the same thing. ''[Pumbaa turns and stalks off. He looks back over his shoulder to see Timon flopping down in the bed]'' :'''Timon''': ''[stubbornly]'' I got everything I ever wanted right here! ''[Pumbaa turns and trots off, a tear in his eye. Timon lies in the bed, tapping his toe. He begins to soliloquize to convince himself he's doing the right thing]'' Now, this is more like it. '''''ELBOW ROOM!!!''''' ''["Elbow room" echoes an absurd number of times as the camera pulls back repeatedly; sits in despair]'' Uhhhh. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. ''[sighs]'' Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata, ain't no passin' craze. It means no worries. ''[Rafiki appears, laughing]'' No. No, no, no. Don't say a word. I know what you're going to say. ''[Imitates Rafiki]'' Did you find Hakuna Matata? ''[normal voice]'' Well, yes, I did. Thank you very much and I am happy... Happy, happy, deliriously happy. ''[imitates Rafiki again, laughing]'' I see. Happy, is it? So, if you're so happy, why do you look so miserable? ''[normal voice again]'' Miserable, you say? Why should I be miserable? Oh, I don't know. Maybe my two best pals in the world deserted me. They've headed off on some heroic mission. My friends are gone. And my Hakuna Matata went with them. ''[Rafiki nods]'' Would you mind? ''[Rafiki hits his head with stick]'' Ah! Thanks. I'm glad we had this talk. ''[he walks away]'' :'''Rafiki''': My work here is done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ma:''' Oh. [Ma goes back underground and peeks her head into a tunnel.] Now, Max, now! :''[The camera zooms out to show Uncle Max knocking down the sticks that are holding up the tunnel roof.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Hyenas in the hole! :''[The camera follows the sticks as they domino through the tunnel. A crack in the ground heads toward the hyenas, who look at it, confused.]'' :'''Banzai''': Huh? :''[The hyenas back away, panicked, as the cracks advance.]'' :'''Shenzi''': Ah! :''[The sticks domino through the tunnel until they get stuck on a rock. The cracks stop, and the hyenas pause. Ma and Uncle Max pop out of the hole near Timon and Pumbaa.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': I need help. [Ma gets out of the hole.] It didn't work. :'''Banzai''': [from offscreen] Hey, it works for me. *laughs* <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Crane... [The meerkats imitate Uncle Max. He lowers his arms and lifts one leg.] spreads its wings... [The meerkats imitate Uncle Max. They all turn toward the camera.] turns with dainty hands. :''[Cut to several meerkats standing on a root. One by one, they dive into a nearby pool.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [More meerkats dive into the pool.] We're never gonna dig another tunnah. Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats hold butterflies in a chorus line. They move the butterflies out of the way as they sing.] Nevermore, the hyena come. [Timon dances in a grub hat.] Sing the praises of brave Timon, [Timon spins, sending grubs flying.] the bravest meerkat [Grubs fall from the sky as meerkats lounge in leaf hammocks.] we've ever known. [Uncle Max holds a coconut filled with grub mush. He catches a falling grub.] Never dreamed he'd [Cut to clouds in the sky. Three meerkats fly into the air as they sing.] help Simba shine! ♪ :''[Pumbaa flies into the air.]'' :'''Pumbaa''': ♪ Proved it's cool to hang out with swine! ♪ ''[Cut to a log, with meerkats digging under it.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ Accidentally [The meerkats pop up on the other side, their mouths full of grubs.] saved the day. ♪ :''[Timon gestures to himself.]'' :'''Timon''': ♪ Planned it so it would look that way. ♪ :''[Pumbaa stands at the top of a waterfall, with Ma and Timon in his mane. He jumps.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ Brought us out of the dirt and sand, [Pumbaa splashes into the water and rides along the current.] led his family to the [Pumbaa falls off another waterfall.] promised land. [Timon, Pumbaa, and Ma dive into the water.] Sing the praises of brave Timon, [Timon swims for the surface, grinning at the camera.] bravest meerkat we've ever known. ♪ ''[Ma and Timon stand atop Pumbaa, holding each other. Pumbaa stands on Young Simba's stomach, while Young Simba floats on his back in the pool. Meerkats swim in two concentric circles around them. Meanwhile, on the banks, meerkats dance in a conga line, watch the festivities, play a game with a large grub, get fanned with leaves, paraglide with leaves, toast a coconut drink, and hang in vines.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the film]'' :'''Timon''': Well, that's it. The big wrap-up. The happy ending. The grand finale. :'''Pumbaa''': It's over already? :'''Timon''': Well, Pumbaa. That's the thing about endings. They come at the end. :'''Pumbaa''': Oh, can we watch it again? :'''Timon''': Pumbaa, we just saw it. Maybe tomorrow. :'''Ma''': ''[enters]'' Hey, what are you guys doing? ''[notices the film and gasps]'' You didn't tell me you were watching the movie. I want to watch, too! :'''Timon''': Ma, we just finished. Show's over! :'''Ma''': Well, you're just gonna have to rewind it. ''[runs the film back]'' :'''Timon''': Ma! :'''Ma''': Uncle Max, we're gonna watch the movie! :'''Timon''': Oh, no! :'''Max''': ''[enters with popcorn]'' Hey, I brought extra butter! :'''Young Simba''': ''[enters]'' Hey, you guys are watching the movie? :'''Rafiki''': ''[enters with laughter]'' Any story worth telling is worth telling twice. :''[many cartoon characters enter the theater, starting with [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]].]'' :'''Timon''': What the...? :'''[[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]''': Oh, excuse me. :'''[[w:Seven Dwarfs#Disney Dwarfs|Dwarfs]]''': ''[this 1 by 1, saves for Grumpy]'' Excuse me. :'''Grumpy''': Get out of the way. :'''Timon''': Who is this crowd? Hey! Down in front! ''[suddenly, [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] bounces repeatedly from one character to another]'' :'''[[w:Goofy|Goofy]]''': Gawrsh! :'''Stitch''': Aloha! ''[after getting hit by him, [[w:Donald Duck|Donald]] quacks angrily at him; [[w:Peter Pan|Peter Pan]] crows like a rooster and [[w:Lost Boys (Peter Pan)|the Lost Boys]] pile on top on him]'' :'''Timon''': [''trying to make room''] Watch it! ''[he gets stuck in between Terk and Victor, then approaches Pumbaa after he gets launched by Dumbo]'' Okay, buddy. You win. :'''Pumbaa''': Sure you don't mind? :'''Timon''': Hakuna Matata. ''[he grabs the remote and starts the film]'' :''[so many characters in this theater, start shushing and stop talking with the film] :'''Pumbaa''': Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in trailer]'' :'''Timon''': Wait! Wait, wait, wait, hold on a 2nd, three?! What's in the 3? No, no, no, the three, has...got to go. :'''Pumbaa''': Timon, you can't 2, there's already been a 2. == Cast == '''With the Voice Talents of''' * [[Nathan Lane]] as [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]] * [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] as [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Pumbaa]] * [[Julie Kavner]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Ma|Ma]] * [[Jerry Stiller]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Max]] * [[Matt Weinberg]] as [[w:Young Simba|Simba]] * [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Rafiki|Rafiki]] * [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] as [[w:Nala (The Lion King)|Nala]] * [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] as [[w:Mufasa|Mufasa]] * [[Whoopi Goldberg|Whoopi Goldberg]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|Shenzi]] * [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|Banzai]] * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|Ed]] * [[w:Edward Hibbert|Edward Hibbert]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Zazu|Zazu]] * Jason Rudofsky as Flinchy ===Additional voices=== * [[w:Carolyn Gardner|Carolyn Gardner]] - Snow White * [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Bennett]] - Bashful * [[w:Bob Joles|Bob Joles]] - Sneezy * [[w:Kevin Schon|Kevin Schon]] - Happy * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Grumpy * [[w:Chris Sanders|Chris Sanders]] - Stitch * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - Goofy, Doc, Sleepy * [[w:Tony Anselmo|Tony Anselmo]] - Donald Duck * [[w:Blayne Weaver|Blayne Weaver]] - Peter Pan * [[w:Shaun Fleming|Shaun Fleming]] - The Lost Boys == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|0318403}} {{Authority control}} {{The Lion King}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King 1½, The}} [[Category:The Lion King]] [[Category:2004 animated films]] [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Films set in Africa]] [[Category:Films set in Tanzania]] [[Category:Animated films set in Tanzania]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] jzmgehgwc134i90wbi7yk5szc2g2m53 3944312 3944222 2026-05-23T00:34:20Z ~2026-28041-95 3317132 /* Dialogue */ 3944312 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lion King 1½|The Lion King 1½]]''''' (known internationally as '''''The Lion King 3: Hakuna Matata''''') is a [[w:2004 in film|2004]] [[w:Direct-to-video|direct-to-video]] live-action/[[w:Animation|animated]] [[w:Musical film|musical film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] and [[w:Disneytoon Studios|Disneytoon Studios]] and distributed by [[w:Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment|Walt Disney Home Entertainment]] on June 10, 2004. This middle-of-the-road feature retells the story of the [[w:1994 in film|1994]] blockbuster, ''[[The Lion King]]'', in [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon and Pumbaa]]'s perspective. ''At the top of this page, when it said it was 2D-animated and live action, a cameo of a live action TV commercial (which actually had humans in it) was shown when the hyenas were chasing Uncle Max, but then Pumbaa accidentally sat on the remote and then fixes it and turns the movie back on. For the soundtrack, see'' [[w:The Lion King 1½#Soundtrack|The Lion King 1½: Songs From Timon and Pumbaa's Hilarious Adventure]]. ''For the song called'' "[[w:Rhythm of the Pride Lands#Track listing|The Warthog Rhapsody]]", ''which has the same melody as the song, "That's All I Need", see it on'' [[w:Rhythm of the Pride Lands|Rhythm of the Pride Lands]]. {{center|'''Thought you knew The Lion King? You don't know the ½ of it.'''}} == [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]] == * ''[first lines; singing]'' What’s on the menu?! It could be ceviche, it's stinky, ooh, it's Pumbaa-aah...'' * [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Pumbaa]], this could be the start of a beautiful... acquaintanceship. * Friends stick together to the end. * Hey! What's going on? Pumbaa, you're sitting on the remote. ''['''Pumbaa''': Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought it was a brownie.]'' * Just eat me now and please make it fast. I got a low threshold for pain. ''['''Pumbaa''': Easy, easy there, little guy. I'm not going to eat you.]'' * ''[whispering]'' I see [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Mufasa|carnivores]]. * Oops! == [[w:Warthog|Pumbaa]] == * ''[first lines]'' I gotta tell ya, Timon, that song always gets me right here. * ''['''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': Just eat me now and please make it fast. I got a low threshold for pain.]'' Easy, easy there little guy. I'm not going to eat you. * I'm an insectivore. == [[w:Nala (The Lion King)|Nala]] == ===Cub=== * ''['''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': [[w:Simba|He's]] gone? What do you mean he's gone?]'' It's just like [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Rafiki|the baboon]] said. The king has returned. * Ohh, don't you get it? Simba needs us. Now! == [[w:Simba|Simba]] == ===Cub=== * ''[from offscreen]'' Timon. Timon. Timon! ''['''Timon''': Huh?]'' * I got to go. * You know, go...bad. * Woo-hoo! All right! ''[He looks down]'' Man, you guys look like ants down there. * ''[from offscreen]'' Timon. * ''[hugging [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon and Pumbaa]].]'' I couldn't have done it without you, guys. * [[w:Hakuna Matata (song)|Three pals and no worries]]. * ''[same lines from the [[The Lion King|first film]].]'' Listen, [[w:Nala (The Lion King)|you]] think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don't even know what I've been through! ''['''Nala''': I would if you'd just tell me.]'' Forget it! ''['''Nala''': Fine!]'' == [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]] == * ''['''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Ma|Ma]]''': Something's different about [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]].]'' You think? HE'S WEARING A '''DRESS'''!!! * I flinched when I should have scurried. * This is no time for horseplay, Timon. You’re supposed to be up there looking out for... ''[Looks at Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed]'' '''HYENAS!!!''' * Scurry, sniff, flinch! Scurry, sniff, flinch! Scurry, sniff, flinch! Good. Now, what do we do if we see a hyena? ('''Timon''': Scream, "Mommy!"?) That's right, mister! Because the world out there is fraught with danger. Fraught, I tell you! Even all bloodthirsty hyenas are waiting to rip us limb from limb! ('''Timon''': Bravo, Uncle Max. Way to sell it to the cheap seats.) Applaud now, sonny boy, but try clapping when you don't have any hands. *No, I haven't seen Timon. And what a day it's been! No fractures, no lacerations, no concussions, contusions or injuries of any sort. As a matter of fact, there's no sign of Timon's handiwork anywhere! (the ceiling of the tunnel collapses) That's would be... ''[cries out in anger]'' '''TIMON!!!''' == [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Ma|Ma]] == * ''['''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': I was just trying to shed a little light on our pathetic existence.]'' Timon, this can't go on. Just this month, you've pulled down four walls and collapsed two tunnel exits. We have to look after each other. Our survival depends on it. ''['''Timon''': What's the point? All we do is dig so we can hide, and hide so we can dig. I want to be where we don't have to dig tunnels and live with our heads stuck in the sand. What's so bad about dreaming of a better home?]'' I want to show you something. Look, Timon. Go on, look. Look out to the horizon, past the trees, over the grasslands. Everything the light touches belongs to someone else. ''['''Timon''': Funny, I thought you were going a whole different direction with this.]'' * Well, I hope you find what you're looking for, honey. * Get in here! What are you a meshugginah! ==Zazu== * Look, sire, how they kneel before the royal son. * Sire, the hyenas are after the children! ==Others== *'''Mufasa''': Look out, Simba! == Dialogue == :''[first lines; film starts in opens to '''[[The Lion King]]''' plays briefly.]'' :'''Timon''': ''[first lines; singing]'' What's on the menu? It could be ceviche, it's stinky, ooh, it's Pumbaa-aah! :'''Pumbaa''': I gotta tell ya, Timon, that song always gets me right here. :'''Timon''': Yeah, Pumbaa. Well, enough of that. ''[fast forwards the first movie]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Uh, Timon? What are you doing? :'''Timon''': I'm fast forwarding to the part where we come in. :'''Pumbaa''': But you can't go out of order. ''[stops to the part before the final verse of Hakuna Matata where Simba grows into an adult]'' :'''Timon''': Au contraire my porcine pal, I've, got the remote. :'''Pumbaa''': But everyone's gonna get to confused. We've got to go back to the beginning of the story. ''[rewinds the movie]'' :'''Timon''': We're not in the beginning of the story. ''[stops at the presentation of Simba then fast forwards again]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Yes we were, the whole time. ''[stops at Timon shocked face then rewinds again]'' :'''Timon''': Yeah, but they don't know that. ''[stops at the reunion with Simba and Nala then fast forwards third time]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Then why don't you tell them our story?! ''[stops at the hyenas]'' :'''Timon and Pumbaa''': Aaaaaah! :'''Timon''': Hey, I've got an idea, why don't you tell them our story? :'''Pumbaa''': Oh! I like the sound of that. :'''Timon''': A little backstage tour, take them behind the scenes while revealing, the intimate look in the story within the story. :'''Pumbaa''': Because what they don't know is how we really were there even though they didn't know we were there you know?! :'''Timon''': Couldn't have said it better myself. ''[rewinds the movie to the very beginning]'' :'''Pumbaa''': So, does this mean we're going back to the beginning? :'''Timon''': Oh, no, Pumbaa, no. We're going way back, to before, to the beginning. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timon''': Yeah, Pumbaa, but it ain't pretty. ''[Timon sullenly lifts the remote and clicks it. The movie resumes. Timon's voice is heard over the footage.] Please remain seated while the camera is in motion. ''[The camera pans out rapidly from Pride Rock, passing multiple animals and locations, including the Elephant Graveyard, Rafiki's tree, and the gorge. It stops in an empty barren field.]'' [from offscreen] Here we are. [A tumbleweed blows by.] From Pride Rock to the pit of shame. We're so low on the food chain, we're underground! :'''Chorus''': ♪ [in the background] Semon pute! ♪ :'''Timon''': [from offscreen] But you don't have to take my word for it. I'll just let my fellow meerkats do the talking. :''[A one meerkat emerges from a hole in the ground.]'' :'''Meerkat''': ♪ What was that? ♪ :''[Several meerkats emerge from holes in the ground.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ What was what? ♪ :''[Several meerkats emerge from holes in the ground.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ What was that? [Several meerkats emerge from holes in the ground.] What was that? [More and more meerkats emerge.] Where? What? Where? Where? What was that? Shhh! [The meerkats look left, then right. Still more meerkats stand on nearby rocks as sentries.] Quick, before the hyena come. ♪ :'''Meerkat sentry''': Clear! :''[The meerkats duck back underground and start digging tunnels.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ''[singing]'' "♪ Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [The meerkats crisscross their tunnels.] When you're done, ya digga bigger tunnah. [The meerkats all begin digging downward so their tunnels run parallel.] Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Below ground, the colony carries small rocks through a tunnel.] Quick, before the hyena come. Dig! Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats dig down into an open tunnel, then tunnel into the floor.] You could dig and never get done. Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats stick their heads into the tunnel.] What was that? [The meerkats look right, then left, then forward.] Quick, before the hyena come. Dig! [Several meerkats march single-file into the tunnel.] Digga tunnah is what we do. [The meerkats begin passing rocks down a line.] Life's a tunnah. We're diggin' through. [Several meerkats stick their heads through holes in the tunnel wall.] Digga tunnah is what we sing. [A line of meerkats carrying a stick marches by.] Digga tunnah is everything. [Several lines of meerkats carrying sticks approach a wall of the tunnel.] Mud and clay is a meerkat's friend. [The meerkats prop the sticks against the floor and ceiling.] Always more around every bend. [Several meerkats dance out of slits in the tunnel wall.] And when you get to your tunnah's end, hallelujah! Let's dig again! [The meerkats splay their fingers.] Dig! [Several meerkats march in place in a row.] Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [The meerkats pass rocks down the line.] When you're done, ya digga bigger tunnah. Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats emerge from the ground and ceiling.] What was that? [The meerkats look one way, then another, then forward.] Quick, before the hyena come. ♪ " :'''Meerkat''': ♪ Dig! ♪ <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timon''': I was just trying to shed a little light on our pathetic existence. :''[The scene transitions to a grassy plain. Ma continues to walk side-by-side with Timon. She dusts off his side.]'' :'''Ma''': Timon, [Ma darts behind Timon to dust off his back.] this can't go on. Just this month, [Ma darts back to Timon's side to dust it off.] you've pulled down four walls and collapsed two tunnel exits. [Ma licks one paw and uses it to smooth down Timon's hair.] We have to look after each other. Our survival depends on it. :''[Ma continues to smooth down Timon's hair.]'' :'''Timon''': What's the point? All we do is dig so we can hide and hide so we can dig. [Ma stops combing Timon's hair, which immediately poofs up. He glares up at it with one eye closed. Then he holds his head with both hands.] I want to be where we don't have to dig tunnels and [Timon strides away from Ma.] live with our heads stuck in the sand. [Timon parts some nearby grass.] What's so bad about dreaming of a better home? :''[Ma joins Timon, who is overlooking the open savanna.]'' :'''Ma''': I wanna show you something. [Ma looks out over the savanna.] Look, Timon. [Ma uses one paw to angle Timon's head toward the savanna.] Go on, look. Look out to the horizon, [The camera slowly pans out to reveal the Pride Lands in all its glory.] past the trees, over the grasslands. [Timon stares in awe and grins.] Everything the light touches. Belongs to someone else. :''[Timon's expression turns to confusion, then annoyance. The grass falls back into place, hiding him from view.]'' :'''Timon''': [from offscreen] Funny. I thought you were going a whole different direction with this. :''[Ma leads Timon away from the grass.]'' :'''Ma''': What can I say? It's nature's design. :''[Uncle Max pokes his head through some nearby grass, causing Timon and Ma to pull up short.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': She's right! [Uncle Max shakes Timon.] We're food for other animals. [Uncle Max swings Timon back and forth as he looks from left to right.] A moveable feast. [Uncle Max hugs Timon close.] Feared by no one and eaten by all! :'''Timon''': But when they die, they become the grass. And we eat the grass, right? :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Not exactly. We can't digest grass. We're grass intolerant. :''[Ma approaches and pulls Timon out of Uncle Max's grip.]'' :'''Ma''': Okay, Max. :''[Uncle Max nibbles at his fingernails.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': *whimpers* :'''Ma''': Thank you. You've been a big help. [to Timon] Honey, I– :''[Uncle Max erupts from the grass in front of Timon and Ma, halting them in their tracks.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Meerkat! It's what's for dinner! :''[Ma darts in front of Timon and points accusingly at Uncle Max.]'' :'''Ma''': Thank you, Uncle Max! :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Ugh. :''[Uncle Max disappears into the grass.]'' :'''Timon''': I think Uncle Max [Timon makes the sign for "crazy."] dislodged one too many rocks with his skull. :''[Ma steps in front of Timon.]'' :'''Ma''': But he's right, Timon. [Ma licks one paw and uses it to smooth down Timon's hair.] Oh, I just [Ma squashes a nearby flying insect in her paws and uses it on Timon's hair like it's gel.] know there's a way for you to fit in here. ''[Timon looks up pitifully with his hair smoothed down. A single strand flicks up.]'' :'''Timon''': *sighs* :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': [from offscreen] All right. Who's on sentry duty? :''[Ma thinks for a moment. Then her face lights up.]'' :'''Ma''': That's it! [Ma seizes Timon by the arms. He looks back uncertainly.] That's it! My son on sentry duty! Timon the sentry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene transitions to the open savanna. Timon and Uncle Max stand on a rock beneath a short tree. Uncle Max scurries along the ground, sniffs the air, then flinches.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Scurry, sniff, flinch! [Uncle Max repeats the demonstration. Timon stands on the ground nearby, leaning one-armed against the tree.] Scurry, sniff, flinch! [Timon rolls his eyes.] Scurry, sniff, flinch! [Uncle Max tucks a stick under his arm like a he's a [[wikipedia:Drill instructor|drill sergeant]].] Good. Now, [Uncle Max slides down the rock to the ground and walks side-by-side with Timon.] what do we do if we see a hyena? :'''Timon''': Scream, "Mommy!"? :''[Timon and Uncle Max pause. Uncle Max points his finger at Timon.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': That's right, mister! Because [Uncle Max grabs Timon by the shoulder and points a finger again at the savanna.] the world out there is fraught with danger. [Uncle Max shakes Timon.] Fraught, I tell you! :'''Timon''': Oh, boy. It's the fraught fest. :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': [in the background] Even all bloodthirsty hyenas are waiting to rip us limb from limb! :'''Timon''': Bravo, Uncle Max. [Timon claps.] Way to sell it to the cheap seats. :''[Uncle Max seizes Timon by the wrists.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Applaud now, sonny boy! [severely] But try clapping when you don't have any hands. :''[Uncle Max stalks offscreen. Timon stares at his hands.]'' :'''Timon''': *gulps* [Timon darts onto the rock. He scurries along the ground, sniffs the air, then flinches.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. [The savanna is peaceful and quiet. Timon looks back and forth. He repeats the exercise.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. [The savanna is peaceful and quiet. Music starts playing softly.] Huh. [Timon smiles.] I like the sound of that. [Timon repeats the exercise.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. [The savanna is peaceful and quiet. Timon continues to repeat the exercise. As he does so, he begins to dance, more and more flamboyantly.] Scurry, sniff, flinch. Scurry, sniff, flinch. Scurry, sniff, flinch! ♪ There's more to life than panic and bein' some other guy's snack. [Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed emerge from behind a nearby rock.] Eugh! [Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed duck out of view.] I may be delicious, organic, [Timon swings his fists at the air.] but this little entree's fightin' back! [Timon swings his fist so hard that he spins around several times. He begins strutting across the rock, then grabs onto the tree's trunk.] I'm gonna put diggin' tunnels behind me and live at a new altitude. [Timon climbs up onto a branch and throws an armful of leaves into the air.] I'm gonna reach for the stars to remind me that meerkats are not merely food! [Timon steps onto a nearby cloud.] For once I'll be [Timon surfs away on the cloud.] lookin' out for me. [The cloud drifts into an idyllic jungle paradise.] Yeah! [Timon dives off the cloud into a waterfall below.] I'll tell you what I want. [Timon slides down the waterfall.] This cat is movin' on, [The momentum of Timon's fall throws him into the air.] where he's a bon vivant [Timon dives into a pool below.] who's missin' out on bon. [Timon swims underwater.] I'd be a bigger cheese far from the desert scene. [Timon disappears into a school of fish, which turns into a pile of butterflies.] A little cooling breeze. [The butterflies part one by one.] A little patch of green! [The butterflies part fully to reveal Timon holding a drink and lounging in a hammock by a waterfall. Two peacocks fan him with their tails.] And I'll be snoozin' in my hammock by a rippling stream, many miles from any tunnel and the digging team. [A pile of grubs dominates the screen. The grubs partially morph into Timon's face.] Looking after number one will be my only creed. That's all I need. [Timon eats the grubs.] *slurps* [Timon lifts his hands into the air.] That's all I need! [Timon dances the "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" atop a mound of grubs.] I've always been good at runnin' away. [Timon switches directions and repeats the dance.] Well, now, I'm gonna run the show-oh! [The lights darken overhead, and the jungle backdrop slides offscreen, as if it's part of a theater production. Timon stands alone on his rock in the savanna.] I've always been seen as the ultimate prey, [Timon lifts his hands into the air.] but now, my status ain't so quo! [Banzai and Ed emerge on either side of Timon.] A dream sublime. [Shenzi emerges behind Timon, who lifts his hands into the air.] It's hyena time! [Shenzi claps, startling Timon.] Oh! ♪ :''[After the ''That's All I Need'' song]'' :'''Shenzi''': ''[applauds]'' Oh, look, it's dinner and a show. :'''Banzai''': ''[snickers evilly]'' And I thought beans were the only musical food. ''[Ed laughs evilly]'' :'''Timon''': Hy... Hy... Hy... :'''Shenzi''': Well, hi to you, too. ''[smacks Timon with her paw, who rolls down the hill]'' :'''Timon''': ''[bumps into Uncle Max]'' Aw. I'm okay. :'''Uncle Max''': This is no time for horseplay, Timon. You're supposed to be up there looking out for... [''Shenzi, Ed and Banzai the hyenas go near''] '''''HYENAS!!!''''' :''[The meerkats gasp, then run and scatter in panic, while screaming and waving their hands in the air.]'' :''[Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed stand over the meerkat colony running in horror and fear, watching them.]'' :'''Banzai''': Whoa, look at 'em scramble! :''[Shenzi crouches.]'' :'''Shenzi''': And that's just how I like them... :''[Uncle Max, who is running, pulls up short.]'' :'''Uncle Max''': *screams* :''[Behind him, several meerkats crash into him, pushing him into Shenzi's snout.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *grunt* :'''Shenzi''': Scrambled... :''[Shenzi licks Uncle Max, lifting him into the air.]'' :'''Uncle Max'':' *screams* :'''Shenzi''': And a little bit runny. :''[The colony runs around in a panic.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *scream* [Several meerkats race past Timon, who ducks, with his hands covering his head.] Hyenas! :''[Shenzi and Banzai race after the meerkats, ignoring Timon.]'' :'''Shenzi and Banzai''': *laugh* :''[Ed races after Shenzi and Banzai, ignoring Timon.]'' :'''Ed''': *laughs* :''[After the hyenas pass, Timon lowers his hands and relaxes.]'' :'''Timon''': *sighs* :''[From behind, a hand grabs Timon and starts to drag him into a hole in the ground. He resists, but is eventually pulled underground. It is revealed that the hand belongs to Ma.]'' :'''Ma''': Get in here! What are you, a meshugginah? [shakes Timon] :''[Several meerkats dive for cover in a hole in the ground, while Ed snaps at them.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *whimper* [Ed continually misses the meerkats, who slip by him to safety.] *screams* Whoa! :''[Uncle Max runs for the hole, but Ed covers it with both paws and grins evilly.]'' :'''Ed''': *laughs* :''[Uncle Max skids to a halt.]'' :'''Uncle Max''': *gasps* :''[Ed grins down at Uncle Max, tongue lolling.]'' :'''Ed''': *laughs* :''[Underground, the meerkat colony gathers in a tense huddle around Ma and Timon.]'' :'''Ma''': Stumpy? :'''Stumpy''': [from offscreen] Here! :'''Ma''': Flinchy? :'''Flinchy''': [from offscreen] Here! :'''Ma''': Swifty? :'''Swifty''': [from offscreen] Here! :''[Ma rubs her forehead.]'' :'''Ma''': Oh, what a relief. Everybody's... *gasps* Where's Uncle Max? :''[Uncle Max runs from Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed.]'' :'''Uncle Max''': *screams* :'''Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed''': *yip* :''[Several meerkats emerge from a hole in the ground and spot Uncle Max.]'' :'''Meerkats''': *gasp* :''[Uncle Max dodges several attacks from Shenzi and Banzai.]'' :'''Meerkat''': Max! Run for your life! :'''Meerkat''': [from offscreen] Play dead! :'''Meerkat''': [from offscreen] Ándale! :'''Meerkat''': [from offscreen] Almost there! :''[The channel suddenly changes to the show, revealing a woman talking about the purse.]'' :'''Timon''': Hey, what's going on? Pumbaa, you're sitting on the remote? :'''Pumbaa''': ''[realizes]'' Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought it was a brownie. ''[changes it back to Uncle Max being chased by hyenas]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': I flinched when I should have scurried. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the hyena chase; The meerkat stare at Timon.]'' :'''Timon''': I, uh... I guess I owe everyone an apology. All right, so I made a teensy mistake, like we all haven't broken into song on sentry duty before uh-haha come on, let me have a show of hands! Okay. ''[a short pause]'' Maybe it's a little too soon but I'm sure we're all going to laugh about this someday. Trust me. :'''Uncle Max''': ''[sternly]'' I did trust you. :'''Timon''': But--. :''[The meerkats starts to leave. Ma worriedly looks at Timon before leaving.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Pumbaa]]''': Um... I don't do so well in crowds. Maybe we better go around. :'''[[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]]''': Don't you know the shortest distance between me and my dream home is a straight line? Follow me. :'''Animal #1''': Oh. :'''Timon''': Excuse me. :'''Animal #2''': Ow. :'''Animal #3''': Hello. :'''Animal #4''': Goodness. :'''Timon''': Make room. Make room. Watch it, Twiggy. [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm walking here]]. :'''Buffalo''': ''*[snorts]*'' :''[Pumbaa and Timon wade through the crowd. The animals including [[wikipedia:black rhinoceros|rhino]], [[wikipedia:topi|topi antelope]], [[wikipedia:reticulated giraffe|giraffe]], [[wikipedia:zebra|zebra]], [[wikipedia:thomson's gazelle|gazelle]] & [[wikipedia:african buffalo|buffalo]] nervously look at them]'' :'''Pumbaa''': ''[Hears his stomach growling, so he sits down and stops his stomach. He clears his throat.]'' Timon, there's something I got to tell you. :'''Timon''': Pumbaa, Pumbaa, Pumbaa. We will have a plenty of time to chat once we settle in. :'''Pumbaa''': I could really use a rest stop. :'''Timon''': ''[to Pumbaa]'' Don't worry. You'll get your second wind. :'''Pumbaa''': ''[whimpering]'' I got a really bad feeling! :'''Timon''': It'll pass. Trust me! It will pass. ''[he grabs Pumbaa's tail; Pumbaa farts, which causes them to faint and unconsious. The animals bow before [[w:Simba|Simba]].]'' :'''Zebra #1''': Oh, look. The rhinos are bowing. :'''Zebra #2''': Ooh, we'd better bow up, too. :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Zazu|Zazu]]''': Look, sire, how they kneel before the royal son. :'''Timon''': So, I guess that's your special power? What a weapon! :'''Pumbaa''': You mean, you don't mind? :'''Timon''': Are you kidding? It was a gas! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Well, I don't like to toot my own horn... :'''Timon''': Yeah, that's probably for the best. ''[pauses out]'' Let's go, Pumbaa. :'''Pumbaa''': Lead the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timon''': Ah! [as a voice-over] Home, sweet home indeed. :''[The scene transitions to early morning. Timon lies asleep in his nest.]'' :'''Timon and Pumbaa''': *snore* :''[Overhead, there is the sound of distant singing.]'' :'''Timon''': *groans* [Timon turns over, holding his ears. He sits up groggily.] Ugh. :''[Timon crawls out of his nest and walks toward the shelter's entrance.]'' :'''Simba''': ♪ [from off-screen, in the background] Everybody, look left! Everybody, look right! Everywhere you look, I'm... ♪ :''[Timon grabs a stick and starts banging it against the ceiling.]'' :'''Timon''': Hey, keep it down up there! :'''Pumbaa''': We have neighbors? We should go say hello. :''[Timon keeps beating on the ceiling with his stick.]'' :'''Timon''': Noisy neighbors. [Timon pauses.] There go the property values. :''[Timon marches outside, still armed with his stick. The savanna is bathed in pastel colors.]'' :'''Pride Landers''': ''[singing, from off-screen]'' ♪ Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing! Oh, oh! [Timon gapes up at a tower of animals.] It's gonna be King Simba's finest fling! ♪ :'''Simba''': ♪ [from offscreen] Oh, I just can't wait to be king! ♪ :'''Timon''': Oh, perfect. We moved to the theater district! Get a load of these guys. :'''Simba''': ♪ [from offscreen, in the background] Oh, I just can't wait to be king! Oh, I just can't wait... ♪ :''[Timon marches up to the animal tower and whacks an elephant on the foot.]'' :'''Timon''': Knock it off! :'''Elephant''': *groans* :''[The animal tower begins to sway precariously. Pumbaa dashes for Timon.]'' :'''Pumbaa''': Timon, look out! :'''Simba''': ♪ [from offscreen] ...to be king! ♪ :''[The animals fall into a heap.]'' :'''Pride Landers''': Ah! :''[Timon and Pumbaa duck for cover in their shelter.]'' :'''Simba''': [from offscreen] I'm okay! :'''Pride Landers''': *groan* :''[Timon lies crushed beneath an animal.]'' :'''Timon''': Oy. [Timon blows away a tail that is hanging in his face.] Show people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ma''': ''Hahuna Ma-what-a?'' :'''Rafiki''': ''[chuckles]'' It means "no worries." :'''Ma''': I see... :'''Rafiki''': So, I told the boy: To find Hakuna Matata, you must look beyond what you see. :'''Ma''': Ah, a metaphor. :'''Rafiki''': Well, actually, it's not a... ''[Ma hits him with the stick]'' Ah! :'''Ma''': You used a metaphor on Timon?! He takes things literally! That's it. He's starving out there. I just know it! Max! Timon's out there chasing metaphors. I've got to go find him! :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': [from offscreen] Are you nuts?! :'''Ma''': Nice to have a supportive family, isn't it? Well, here I go. :'''Rafiki''': Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. :'''Ma''': Thanks. Here's my first step. ''[stomps on Rafiki's foot]'' :'''Timon''': ''[Screams]'' '''''OW!!!!!!''''' ''[pauses; Pumbaa pulls one of three quills]'' Aye!!! :'''Pumbaa''': This bowling from porcupines ''[spits the first quill]'' wasn't the best idea? :'''Timon''': Yeah, it got to be right up there with bobbin' for snapping turtles. Ow-ah-ahaha!! :'''Pumbaa''': That's going to leave a mark. ''[spits the second quill]'' Look, Timon. Buzzards! What do you say? One more round? :'''Timon''': Sure. There must be some part of me we haven't injured yet. :'''Pumbaa''': Please? Please, please, please, please, please? :'''Timon''': No, Pumbaa. I'm beat. You go ahead. I'm calling it a day. ''[pulls out one last quill]'' :'''Pumbaa''': But it's no fun alone. :'''Timon''': Why not? One more run won't change our lives! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the ''Can You Feel the Love Tonight'' song]'' :'''Timon''': That's it, buddy. We gave it our best shot, but he's a goner. :'''Pumbaa''': Maybe not... :'''Timon''': You never give up, do you? :'''Pumbaa''': Look! :'''Young Simba''': ''[from the [[The Lion King|first film]].]'' Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life? You don't even know what I've been through! :'''[[w:Young Nala (The Lion King)|Young Nala]]''': I would if you'd just tell me. :'''Young Simba''': Forget it! :'''Young Nala''': Fine! :'''Timon''': Pumbaa, do you know what this means? :'''Pumbaa''': He can't express his feelings and she has commitment issues? :'''Timon''': We won! ''[laughing]'' We split them up! :'''Pumbaa''': And, uh, that's a good thing? Uh, he seems to be taking it kind of hard. :'''Timon''': Yeah, I know. Look, I... Heh. But it's the best thing for us. I mean, for him! Let's go, Pumbaa. I think this storm's coming to a head. Hakuna Matata is safe at last, pal, because nothing's going to take our boy away now. ''[later, to Young Nala about Young Simba.]'' He's gone? What do you mean he's gone?! :'''Young Nala''': It's just like the baboon said. The king has returned. ''[Timon and Pumbaa stare at her blankly. She sighs]'' You want me to go over it again? :'''Timon''': Yes please, but be a dear and skip to the part about Simba. Not that your childhood wasn't fascinating. :'''Young Nala''': Okay. Look, Simba's the rightful king, but after he disappeared, [[w:Scar (The Lion King)|Scar]] proclaimed himself the king and formed an alliance with the [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|hyenas]]... ''[As Young Nala talks, Timon and Pumbaa stop listening]'' :'''Pumbaa''': ''[thinks]'' Poor Simba. The treachery! The villainy! The sheer indescribable horror!? (Right, Timon?) :'''Timon''': ''[thinks]'' Blah, blah, blah. Why is she toying with us? This crazy chick is gonna eat us! :'''Young Nala''': ...So Simba has to go home to challenge his uncle and reclaim his place as king. ''[Timon and Pumbaa stare blankly at her]'' Ohh, don't you get it? Simba needs us. Now! ''[she runs off to find Simba]'' :'''Timon''': ''[indignant]'' He needs us? Then he shouldn't have left us! If he wants to run off to be "His Highness", well, I say, don't let the branches hit you on the way out! Leave Hakuna Matata to someone who appreciates it. ''[he strides off stubbornly]'' :'''Pumbaa''': But, Timon... It's not really Hakuna Matata without Simba. :'''Timon''': What has gotten into you? Not Hakuna Matata? That's crazy talk. Crazy talk, I tell you. Nothing's changed here. We had Hakuna Matata before Simba and we've still got it now. :'''Pumbaa''': We got to go help our friend, Timon. :'''Timon''': Et tu, Pumbaa? You're just going to walk away, give up on all this? What happened to "friends stick together to the end?" Huh? Huh? Huh? :'''Pumbaa''': ''[incisively]'' I was about to ask you the same thing. ''[Pumbaa turns and stalks off. He looks back over his shoulder to see Timon flopping down in the bed]'' :'''Timon''': ''[stubbornly]'' I got everything I ever wanted right here! ''[Pumbaa turns and trots off, a tear in his eye. Timon lies in the bed, tapping his toe. He begins to soliloquize to convince himself he's doing the right thing]'' Now, this is more like it. '''''ELBOW ROOM!!!''''' ''["Elbow room" echoes an absurd number of times as the camera pulls back repeatedly; sits in despair]'' Uhhhh. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. ''[sighs]'' Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata, ain't no passin' craze. It means no worries. ''[Rafiki appears, laughing]'' No. No, no, no. Don't say a word. I know what you're going to say. ''[Imitates Rafiki]'' Did you find Hakuna Matata? ''[normal voice]'' Well, yes, I did. Thank you very much and I am happy... Happy, happy, deliriously happy. ''[imitates Rafiki again, laughing]'' I see. Happy, is it? So, if you're so happy, why do you look so miserable? ''[normal voice again]'' Miserable, you say? Why should I be miserable? Oh, I don't know. Maybe my two best pals in the world deserted me. They've headed off on some heroic mission. My friends are gone. And my Hakuna Matata went with them. ''[Rafiki nods]'' Would you mind? ''[Rafiki hits his head with stick]'' Ah! Thanks. I'm glad we had this talk. ''[he walks away]'' :'''Rafiki''': My work here is done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ma:''' Oh. [Ma goes back underground and peeks her head into a tunnel.] Now, Max, now! :''[The camera zooms out to show Uncle Max knocking down the sticks that are holding up the tunnel roof.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Hyenas in the hole! :''[The camera follows the sticks as they domino through the tunnel. A crack in the ground heads toward the hyenas, who look at it, confused.]'' :'''Banzai''': Huh? :''[The hyenas back away, panicked, as the cracks advance.]'' :'''Shenzi''': Ah! :''[The sticks domino through the tunnel until they get stuck on a rock. The cracks stop, and the hyenas pause. Ma and Uncle Max pop out of the hole near Timon and Pumbaa.]'' :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': I need help. [Ma gets out of the hole.] It didn't work. :'''Banzai''': [from offscreen] Hey, it works for me. *laughs* <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Uncle Max]]''': Crane... [The meerkats imitate Uncle Max. He lowers his arms and lifts one leg.] spreads its wings... [The meerkats imitate Uncle Max. They all turn toward the camera.] turns with dainty hands. :''[Cut to several meerkats standing on a root. One by one, they dive into a nearby pool.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [More meerkats dive into the pool.] We're never gonna dig another tunnah. Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah. [Several meerkats hold butterflies in a chorus line. They move the butterflies out of the way as they sing.] Nevermore, the hyena come. [Timon dances in a grub hat.] Sing the praises of brave Timon, [Timon spins, sending grubs flying.] the bravest meerkat [Grubs fall from the sky as meerkats lounge in leaf hammocks.] we've ever known. [Uncle Max holds a coconut filled with grub mush. He catches a falling grub.] Never dreamed he'd [Cut to clouds in the sky. Three meerkats fly into the air as they sing.] help Simba shine! ♪ :''[Pumbaa flies into the air.]'' :'''Pumbaa''': ♪ Proved it's cool to hang out with swine! ♪ :''[Cut to a log, with meerkats digging under it.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ Accidentally ''[The meerkats pop up on the other side, their mouths full of grubs.]'' saved the day. ♪ :''[Timon gestures to himself.]'' :'''Timon''': ♪ Planned it so it would look that way. ♪ :''[Pumbaa stands at the top of a waterfall, with Ma and Timon in his mane. He jumps.]'' :'''Meerkats''': ♪ Brought us out of the dirt and sand, ''[Pumbaa splashes into the water and rides along the current.] led his family to the [Pumbaa falls off another waterfall.]'' promised land. ''[Timon, Pumbaa, and Ma dive into the water.]'' Sing the praises of brave Timon, ''[Timon swims for the surface, grinning at the camera.]'' bravest meerkat we've ever known. ♪ :''[Ma and Timon stand atop Pumbaa, holding each other. Pumbaa stands on Young Simba's stomach, while Young Simba floats on his back in the pool. Meerkats swim in two concentric circles around them. Meanwhile, on the banks, meerkats dance in a conga line, watch the festivities, play a game with a large grub, get fanned with leaves, paraglide with leaves, toast a coconut drink, and hang in vines.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end of the film]'' :'''Timon''': Well, that's it. The big wrap-up. The happy ending. The grand finale. :'''Pumbaa''': It's over already? :'''Timon''': Well, Pumbaa. That's the thing about endings. They come at the end. :'''Pumbaa''': Oh, can we watch it again? :'''Timon''': Pumbaa, we just saw it. Maybe tomorrow. :'''Ma''': ''[enters]'' Hey, what are you guys doing? ''[notices the film and gasps]'' You didn't tell me you were watching the movie. I want to watch, too! :'''Timon''': Ma, we just finished. Show's over! :'''Ma''': Well, you're just gonna have to rewind it. ''[runs the film back]'' :'''Timon''': Ma! :'''Ma''': Uncle Max, we're gonna watch the movie! :'''Timon''': Oh, no! :'''Max''': ''[enters with popcorn]'' Hey, I brought extra butter! :'''Young Simba''': ''[enters]'' Hey, you guys are watching the movie? :'''Rafiki''': ''[enters with laughter]'' Any story worth telling is worth telling twice. :''[many cartoon characters enter the theater, starting with [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]].]'' :'''Timon''': What the...? :'''[[w:Snow White (Disney character)|Snow White]]''': Oh, excuse me. :'''[[w:Seven Dwarfs#Disney Dwarfs|Dwarfs]]''': ''[this 1 by 1, saves for Grumpy]'' Excuse me. :'''Grumpy''': Get out of the way. :'''Timon''': Who is this crowd? Hey! Down in front! ''[suddenly, [[w:Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)|Stitch]] bounces repeatedly from one character to another]'' :'''[[w:Goofy|Goofy]]''': Gawrsh! :'''Stitch''': Aloha! ''[after getting hit by him, [[w:Donald Duck|Donald]] quacks angrily at him; [[w:Peter Pan|Peter Pan]] crows like a rooster and [[w:Lost Boys (Peter Pan)|the Lost Boys]] pile on top on him]'' :'''Timon''': [''trying to make room''] Watch it! ''[he gets stuck in between Terk and Victor, then approaches Pumbaa after he gets launched by Dumbo]'' Okay, buddy. You win. :'''Pumbaa''': Sure you don't mind? :'''Timon''': Hakuna Matata. ''[he grabs the remote and starts the film]'' :''[so many characters in this theater, start shushing and stop talking with the film] :'''Pumbaa''': Uh, Timon? I still don't do so well in crowds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in trailer]'' :'''Timon''': Wait! Wait, wait, wait, hold on a 2nd, three?! What's in the 3? No, no, no, the three, has...got to go. :'''Pumbaa''': Timon, you can't 2, there's already been a 2. == Cast == '''With the Voice Talents of''' * [[Nathan Lane]] as [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Timon]] * [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] as [[w:Timon and Pumbaa|Pumbaa]] * [[Julie Kavner]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Ma|Ma]] * [[Jerry Stiller]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Uncle Max|Max]] * [[Matt Weinberg]] as [[w:Young Simba|Simba]] * [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Rafiki|Rafiki]] * [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] as [[w:Nala (The Lion King)|Nala]] * [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] as [[w:Mufasa|Mufasa]] * [[Whoopi Goldberg|Whoopi Goldberg]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|Shenzi]] * [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|Banzai]] * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Shenzi, Banzai and Ed|Ed]] * [[w:Edward Hibbert|Edward Hibbert]] as [[w:List of The Lion King (franchise) characters#Zazu|Zazu]] * Jason Rudofsky as Flinchy ===Additional voices=== * [[w:Carolyn Gardner|Carolyn Gardner]] - Snow White * [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Bennett]] - Bashful * [[w:Bob Joles|Bob Joles]] - Sneezy * [[w:Kevin Schon|Kevin Schon]] - Happy * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Grumpy * [[w:Chris Sanders|Chris Sanders]] - Stitch * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - Goofy, Doc, Sleepy * [[w:Tony Anselmo|Tony Anselmo]] - Donald Duck * [[w:Blayne Weaver|Blayne Weaver]] - Peter Pan * [[w:Shaun Fleming|Shaun Fleming]] - The Lost Boys == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|0318403}} {{Authority control}} {{The Lion King}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King 1½, The}} [[Category:The Lion King]] [[Category:2004 animated films]] [[Category:2004 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Films set in Africa]] [[Category:Films set in Tanzania]] [[Category:Animated films set in Tanzania]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] mw7zg9vs7fb92ybeb7mlk1dhfr3fllu 0 13703 3944437 3911718 2026-05-23T11:38:00Z GrimRob 1187925 typo 3944437 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:The Ten Commandments (1956 film poster).jpg|thumb]] [[File:The-Ten-Commandments-1956-Paramount.jpg|thumb]] [[File:Charlton Heston in The Ten Commandments film trailer.jpg|thumb|The Lord of Hosts will do battle for us. Behold His mighty hand.]] '''''[[w:The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|The Ten Commandments]]''''' is a [[w:1956 in film|1956]] American film about the Egyptian Prince, [[Moses]], who learns of his true heritage as a Hebrew and his divine mission as the deliverer of his people. :''Directed by [[Cecil B. DeMille]]. Written by [[w:Aeneas MacKenzie|Aeneas MacKenzie]], [[w:Jesse Lasky Jr.|Jesse Lasky Jr.]], [[w:Jack Gariss|Jack Gariss]] and [[w:Fredric M. Frank|Fredric M. Frank]] from the [[w:J.H. Ingraham|J.H. Ingraham]] novel ''Pillar of Fire'', the [[w:A.E. Southon|A.E. Southon]] novel ''On Eagle's Wings'' and the [[w:Dorothy Clarke Wilson|Dorothy Clarke Wilson]] novel ''Prince of Egypt''.'' {{center|'''It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a God.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Moses== * It is not treason to want freedom. * I do not know what power shapes my way, but my feet are set upon a road that I must follow. * A city is made of brick, Pharaoh. The strong make many. The starving make few. The dead make none. So much for accusations. * It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a god. And I am no god, I am but a man. A man who asks by what right any man may enslave another of a different race or creed. But if I could free these people, I would. * There is a beauty beyond the senses, Nefretiri. Beauty like the quiet of green valleys and still waters. Beauty of the spirit that you cannot understand. * Thus sayeth the Lord God of Israel: "Let my people go!" * You gave me this staff to rule over scorpions and serpents, but God made it a rod to rule over kings. Hear His word, Rameses, and obey. * Hear, O Israel! Remember this day, when the strong hand of the Lord leads you out of bondage! * The Lord of Hosts will do battle for us! '''BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY HAND!!!''' == Seti I == * The man best able to rule Egypt will follow me. I owe that to my fathers, not to my sons. == Ramses II == [[File:Yul Brynner in The Ten Commandments film trailer.jpg|right|thumb|So let it be written.<br> So let it be done.]] * ''[To Nefretiri]'' You will be mine, like my dog, or my horse, or my falcon, except that I shall love you more - and trust you less. * ''[banishing Moses to the desert]'' I commend you to your Hebrew god who has no name. If you die, it will be by His hand, not by mine. * This is work for a butcher, not a Pharaoh. Destroy them all. But bring Moses to me alive. == Nefretiri == * First friend of the Pharaoh, Keeper of the Royal Seal, Prince of On, Prince of Memphis, Prince of Thebes, Beloved of the Nile god, Conqueror of Ethiopia, General of Generals, Commander of the Egyptian host...a man of mud! * I cursed you. Each time Rameses took me in his arms, I cursed you, not him, because I loved you. * Does a Pharaoh harden his heart against his son? If you let the Hebrews go, who will build his cities? You told Moses to make bricks without straw. Now he tells you to make cities without bricks. Who is the slave, and who is the Pharaoh? Do you hear laughter, Rameses? Yes. The laughter of kings in Babylon, in Cannan, in Troy, as Egypt surrenders to the god of slaves. == Narrator (Cecil B. DeMille) == * ''[Introductory speech before the film]'' :Ladies and gentlemen, young and old, this may seem an unusual procedure, speaking to you before the picture begins, but we have an unusual subject - the story of the birth of freedom - the story of Moses. As many of you know, the Holy Bible omits some 30 years of Moses' life... From the time, when he was a three-month old baby, and was found in the bulrushes, by Bithiah, the daughter of Pharaoh and adopted into the court of Egypt, until he learned that he was Hebrew and killed the Egyptian. To fill in those missing years, we turn to ancient historians, such as Philo and Josephus. Philo wrote at the time when Jesus of Nazareth walked the Earth and Josephus wrote some 50 years later, and watched the destruction of Jerusalem, by the Romans. These historians had access to documents long since destroyed - or perhaps lost, like the Dead Sea Scrolls. The theme of this picture is whether man ought to be ruled by God's law, or whether they are to be ruled by the whims of a dictator, like Rameses. Are man the property of the state or are they free souls under God? This same battle continues throughout the world today. Our intention was not to create a story, but to be worthy divinely inspired story, created 3,000 years ago, the five books of Moses. The story takes three hours and 39 minutes to unfold. There will be an intermission. Thank you for your attention. * ''[Introduction]'' :And God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light. And from this light, God created life upon Earth And man was given dominion over all things upon this Earth, and the power to choose between good and evil, but each sought to do his own will because he knew not the light of God’s law. Man took dominion over man. The conquered were made to serve the conqueror. The weak were made to serve the strong. And freedom was gone from the world. So did the Egyptians cause the children of Israel to serve with rigor, and their lives were made bitter with hard bondage, and their cry came up unto God and God heard them. And cast into Egypt, into the lowly hut of Amram and Yochabel, the seed of a man upon whose mind and heart would be written God’s law and God’s commandments. One man to stand alone against an empire. * ''[After Moses is exiled from Egypt]'' :Into the blistering wilderness of Shur, the man who walked with kings...now walks alone. :Torn from the pinnacle of royal power; stripped of all rank and earthly wealth; a forsaken man without a country, without a hope; his soul in turmoil like the hot winds and raging sands that lash him with the fury of a taskmaster's whip. He is driven forward, always forward, by a god unknown, toward a land unseen… :Into the molten wilderness of sin, where granite sentinels stand as towers of living death to bar his way. :Each night brings the black embrace of loneliness. In the mocking whisper of the wind, he hears the echoing voices of the dark. His tortured mind wondering if they call the memory of past triumphs, or wail foreboding of disasters yet to come, or whether the desert's hot breath has melted his reason into madness. :He cannot cool the burning kiss of thirst upon his lips, nor shade the scorching fury of the sun. All about is desolation. He can neither bless not curse the power that moves him, for he does not know from where it comes. :Learning that it can be more terrible to live than to die, he is driven onward through the burning crucible of desert, where holy men and prophets are cleansed and purged for God's great purpose, until at last, at the end of human strength, beaten into the dust from which he came, the metal is ready for the Maker's hand. :And he found strength from a fruit-laden palm tree, and life-giving water flowing from the well of Midian. * ''[After Intermission]'' :And the Lord said unto Moses, "Go. Return into Egypt". And Moses took his wife and his son, and he returned to the land of Egypt. And Moses took the rod of God in his hand. * ''[On the day of the Hebrews’ freedom]'' :And it came to pass, after the stifling night of terror, came a day such as the world had never seen. From east and west, from north and south, they came with all they had, driving their flocks and their herds and their camels before them. By tens, by hundreds, by thousands, unending streams of man and beast and burden, and even very much cattle, poured into the Avenue of Sphinxes. Beneath the stone feet of the four colossal images of Rameses, which their own sweat and blood and sinew had hewn from solid rock, a nation arose and freedom was born into the world. :Like Dathan, they did not know where they were going, and they cared no more than the flocks and herds they drove. Now they used the brick yokes to carry a very different burden. And there went forth among them planters of vineyards and sowers of seeds, each hoping to sit under his own vine and fig tree. Out off this glorious chaos, it is Joshua who brings order and purpose. :And he brought forth the people with joy and gladness. He bore them out of Egypt as an eagle bears its young upon its wings. :But again, Pharaoh’s heart was hardened… * ''[After Dathan finished the Golden calf]'' :And the people sinned a great sin. For they have made a God of Gold. They bore them upon their shoulders and rejoice, saying "This be our God, O Israel" :They were as children who had lost their faith. They were perverse and crooked and rebellious against God. They did eat the bread of wickedness, and drank the wine of violence, and they did evil in the eyes of the Lord. And the people cried "The graven image hath brought us joy!" And they worshipped the Golden calf and sacrificed unto it. * ''[After Moses receives The Ten Commandments]'' :And the people rose up to play, and did eat and drink. They were as the children of fools and cast off their clothes. The wicked were like a troubled sea, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. They sank from evil to evil, and were viler than the Earth. And there was rioting and drunkenness for they had become servants of sin. And there was manifest all manner of ungodliness and works of the flesh. Even adultery and lasciviousness, uncleanness, idolatry and rioting, vanity and wrath, and they were filled with iniquity and vile affections. And Aaron knew that he had brought them to shame. == Others == * '''Bithiah''': ''[holding Baby Moses in her arms]'' You will be the glory of Egypt, my son. Mighty in words and deeds. Kings shall bow before you. Your name will live on when the pyramids are dust. And...because I drew you from the water, you shall be called Moses. ''[playfully and quietly]'' Moses! Moses! ''[giggles]'' == Dialogue == :''[As they are setting a baby Moses away]'' :'''Miriam''': But Mother, we have not even given him a name. :'''Yochabel''': God will give him a name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Memnet''': What have you found? :'''Bithiah''': The answer to my prayers! :'''Memnet''': You prayed for a basket? :'''Bithiah''': No, I prayed for a son. :'''Memnet''': Your husband is in the house of the dead. :'''Bithiah''': And he has asked the Nile God to bring me this beautiful boy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Memnet''': ''[about the Hebrew cloth Moses lies in]'' Do you know the pattern of this cloth? :'''Bithiah''': If my son is wrapped in it, it is a royal robe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': Great one, I bring you Ethiopia. ''[Trumpets play, Ethiopians step forward]'' :'''Rameses''': Command them to kneel before Pharaoh. :'''Moses''': Command what you have conquered my brother. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': The Lord Moses, Prince of Egypt, son of the Pharaoh's sister, beloved of the Nile god, commander of the Southern Host! :'''Egyptian 1''': Welcome home! :'''Egyptian 2''': Prince Moses! :'''Jannes''': The blessing of the god Amun-Ra be upon you, Great Prince! He has brought down the pride of Ethiopia. Yes, that is... :'''Seti''': ''[as Jannes continues on]'' The old windbag. :'''Nefretiri''': I agree with him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seti''': Would you please your Pharaoh, Moses? :'''Moses''': Your wish is my will. :'''Seti''': Then you build the city :'''Rameses''': A wise decision. ''[to Moses]'' Noble task. :'''Seti''': Rameses, do you believe this slave deliverer is a myth? :'''Rameses''': What I believe is of no account. What matters is the slaves believe in him. :'''Seti''': Of course, of course. Then you, too, shall go to Goshen. Learn if this deliverer be a myth or a man. If a myth, bring him to me in a bottle. If a man, bring him to me in chains. :'''Rameses''': So let it be written, so let it be done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nefretiri''': You will be king of Egypt and I will be your footstool! :'''Moses''': The man stupid enough to use you as a footstool isn't wise enough to rule Egypt. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yochabel''': My noble one, it caught. I had not the strength to free myself. :'''Moses''': Your shoulder should not bear a burden, old woman. ''[begins cutting her loose]'' :'''Yochabel''': The Lord has renewed my strength and lightened my burdens. :'''Moses''': He would have done better to remove them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baka''': We use the old ones for greasing the stones. If they are killed it is no loss. :'''Moses''': Are you a master builder or a master butcher? :'''Baka''': If we stop moving stones for every grease woman who falls, the city will not rise. :'''Overseer''': If the slaves are not driven they will not work. :'''Joshua''': If their work lags it is because they are not fed. :'''Moses''': You look strong enough. :'''Joshua''': I am a stone cutter. The pharaoh likes his images cut deep. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': You know it is death to strike an Egyptian. :'''Joshua''': I know it. :'''Moses''': Yet you struck him. Why? :'''Joshua''': To save the old woman. :'''Moses''': What is she to you? :'''Joshua''': An old woman. :'''Egyptian Guard''': Lord Moses, send him to his death! :'''Moses''': The man has courage. You do not speak like a slave. :'''Joshua''': God made man. Man made slaves. :'''Moses''': Which god? :'''Joshua''': The God of Abraham, the Almighty God! :'''Moses''': If your God is Almighty, why does He leave you in bondage? :'''Joshua''': He will choose the hour of our freedom and the man who will deliver us! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rameses''': Difficulty with the slaves, my brother? :'''Moses''': None that could not be cures by a ration of grain and a day of rest. :'''Rameses''': A day of rest? :'''Moses''': When your horses tire, they're rested. When they hunger, they're fed. :'''Rameses''': Slaves draw brick and stone. My horses draw the next Pharaoh. :'''Moses''': Is there any grain stored here in Goshen? :'''Rameses''': None that you would dare take, my brother. :'''Joshua''': The temple granaries are full. :'''Moses''': ''[to Joshua]'' Bring the push-pole men and some women with baskets. :'''Joshua''': I will...great prince. :'''Rameses''': I warn you, Moses, the temple grain belongs to the gods. :'''Moses''': What the gods can digest will not sour in the belly of a slave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seti''': Do you mean to tell me he would turn the slaves against me? I've been his father! :'''Jannes''': Ambition knows no father. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Nefretiri kisses Rameses and he shoves her away]'' :'''Rameses''': I know you, my sweet. You're a sharp-clawed, treacherous little peacock. But you're food for the gods, and I'm going to have all of you. :'''Nefretiri''': None of me. Did you think my kiss was a promise of what you'll have? No, my pompous one, it was to let you know what you will not have. I could never love you. :'''Rameses''': Does that matter? You will be my wife. You will come to me whenever I call you. And I will enjoy that very much. Whether you enjoy it or not is your own affair. But I think you will. ''[He leaves; Nefretiri wipes her lips in disgust]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seti''': With so many slaves, you could build…an army. :'''Moses''': But I have built a city. Sixteen of these lions of Pharaoh will guard its gates. And it shall be the city of Seti's glory. :'''Seti''': Mm. Are these slaves loyal to Seti's glory, or to you, Moses? :'''Moses''': The slaves worship their God, and I serve only you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baka''': Will you lose a throne because Moses builds a city? :'''Rameses''': The city that he builds shall bear my name. The woman that he loves shall bear my child. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. <hr width=50%> :'''Bithiah''': You know who I am? :'''Yochabel''': It has been many years, Great One. :'''Bithiah''': Who are they? :'''Yochabel''': All that remain of my children. :'''Bithiah''': I will speak to you alone. ''[Both Miriam and Aaron walk into the same room]'' :'''Yochabel''': Why have you... ''[Bithiah waves her hand meaning "stop" and closes the door]'' Why have you come here? :'''Bithiah''': Because Moses will come here. :'''Yochabel''': My son? :'''Bithiah''': No, my son. And that's all that he must know. :'''Yochabel''': My lips might deny him, Great One, but my eye never could. :'''Bithiah''': You shall leave Goshen, you and your family, tonight. :'''Yochabel''': We are Levites, appointed shepherds of Israel. We cannot leave our people. :'''Bithiah''': Would you take from Moses all that I have given him? Would you undo all that I have done for him? I have put the throne of Egypt within his reach. What can you give him in its place? :'''Yochabel''': I gave him life. :'''Bithiah''': I gave him love! Was it your hand that dried his tears? And when he was troubled, was it your heart that ached for him? :'''Yochabel''': Yes. My heart ached for him, and my arms ached to hold him...but I dared not even touch the hem of his garment. His heritage from me could only have been misery, poverty, and the lash. No. I will not take from him the glory and riches you have given him. :'''Bithiah''': For this, you shall be well cared for. You and your family shall be taken from Goshen tonight. :'''Yochabel''': No matter where you send me...if the God of Abraham has a purpose for my son, he will come to know it and fulfill it. :'''Bithiah''': ''[opens the room's door; to Aaron and Miriam]'' Come! Gather your things! Quickly! Quickly! I shall see you want for nothing. ''[to Yochabel]'' You and your children shall be given freedom. :'''Moses''': ''[arrives]'' Has my mother forgotten? Only the Pharaoh can free a slave. :'''Bithiah''': Moses, do not enter! There is only sorrow here. :'''Moses''': Are you comforting it, my mother? I followed you here to find this woman Yochabe- ''[sees Yochabel, talks to her]'' You were the woman who was caught between the stones. :'''Yochabel''': Until you came. :'''Bithiah''': My son, if you love me, you will... :'''Moses''': I love you, my mother, but am I your son... ''[to Yochabel]'' or yours? :'''Yochabel''': No, you are not my son. If you believe that men and women are cattle to be driven under the lash, if you can bow before idols of stone and golden images of beasts, you are not my son. My son would be a slave. His hands would be gnarled and broken from the brick pits, his back scarred from the taskmaster's whip, but in his heart would burn the spirit of the Living God. :'''Moses''': Does this God demand a scarred back and broken hands as the price of His favor? :'''Bithiah''': This desert God is the hope of the hopeless. Your place is in the palace halls. You have mounted to the sun on golden wings. You belong to me, to Nefretiri, to Seti, to all those who love you. :'''Moses''': Do they love less who have no hope? ''[to Yochabel]'' Will you swear in the Name of this God that you are not my mother? :'''Yochabel''': We do not even know His name. :'''Moses''': Look into my eyes and tell me you are not my mother. :'''Yochabel''': ''[starts sobbing]'' Oh, Moses, Moses, I cannot. I cannot. :'''Aaron''': I am your brother Aaron. :'''Miriam''': I am Miriam, your sister. :'''Moses''': I am your brother Moses. :'''Bithiah''': ''[to Yochabel, Aaron and Miriam]'' No! No, get ready to leave! Hurry! ''[to Moses]'' They're going away, Moses. The secret's going with them. No one need ever know the shame I've brought upon you. :'''Moses''': Shame? What change is there in me? Egyptian or Hebrew, I am still Moses. These are the same hands, the same arms, the same face that were mine a moment ago. :'''Yochabel''': A moment ago, you were her son, the strength of Egypt. Now you are mine, a slave in Egypt. You find no shame in this? :'''Moses''': There is no shame in me. How can I feel shame for the woman who bore me? Or the race that bred me? :'''Yochabel''': Oh, God of my fathers! :'''Bithiah''': Moses, what will you do? :'''Moses''': ''[puts the piece of Levite cloth he was wrapped in as a baby, next to the other to know who was his real mother]'' This is the binding tie...and here I will stay. :'''Bithiah''': Moses... :'''Moses''': To find the meaning of what I am...why a Hebrew...or any man must be a slave. ''[to Aaron and Miriam]'' Put back your things. You are not leaving. :'''Bithiah''': Moses...has she done more for you than I? Will the life she gave you be more useful in the black pits of slavery? Cannot justice and truth be served better upon a throne, where all men may benefit from your goodness...and strength? :'''Moses''': I do not know what power shapes my way, but my feet are set upon a road that I must follow. Forgive me, Bithiah. ''[he and Bithiah leave Yochabel's house]'' :'''Yochabel''': God of our fathers, Who has appointed an end to the bondage of Israel, blessed am I among all mothers in the land, for my eyes have beheld ''Thy Deliverer''. <hr width=50%> :'''Moses''': That's a hard dance you do, old man. :'''Old Man''': We've been dancing it for 400 years... ''[a whips cracks in the background followed by a low moan]'' ...to grim music. <hr width=50%> :'''Baka''': You make no outcry, Joshua, but you will; you will cry for the mercy of death. :'''Joshua''': One day you will listen to the cry of slaves. :'''Baka''': This is not that day, Joshua. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nefretiri''': If you want to help your people, come back to the palace. :'''Moses''': And hide the truth from Seti, that I am Hebrew and a slave? :'''Nefretiri''': The truth would break his dear old heart, and send Bithiah into exile and death. Think of us and stop hearing the cries of your people. :'''Moses''': Their god does not hear their cry. :'''Nefretiri''': Will Rameses hear it, if he is made Pharaoh? No, he would grind them into the clay they mold and double their labors. And what about me? Think of me as his wife. Do you want to see me in Rameses' arms? :'''Moses''': No! :'''Nefretiri''': Then come back with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rameses''': Where was his body found? :'''Pentaur''': Buried in the sand, Royal One. :'''Egyptian Guard''': This is Baka's knife. :'''Rameses''': But there was no wound on the body. Baka was a powerful man. It would take strong hands to break him. :'''Egyptian Guard''': The slave Joshua is a stonecutter. :'''Rameses''': Go find me this Joshua. :'''Dathan''': Joshua's strength didn't kill the master builder. :'''Rameses''': Now speaks the rat that would be my ears. :'''Dathan''': Too many ears tie a rat's tongue. :'''Pentaur''': ''[to guards]'' Go, all of you. :'''Rameses''': Well...who killed him? :'''Dathan''': I am a poor man, Generous One. What I bring is worth much. :'''Rameses''': I have paid you much, and you have brought me nothing. :'''Dathan''': Now I bring you the world...true son of Pharaoh. :'''Rameses''': You offer me the world when you cannot even bring me the deliverer. Who killed Baka? :'''Dathan''': The deliverer. :'''Rameses''': Would you play at words with me? :'''Dathan''': No, Lord Prince. :'''Rameses''': And this murderer has now fled to some distant land? :'''Dathan''': No, Lord Prince. :'''Rameses''': Name him. :'''Dathan''': One who made himself a prince and judge over us. And if he knew I were here, he would kill me as he killed the Egyptian. :'''Rameses''': I will hang you myself if you tire me further. :'''Dathan''': There are those who would pay much for what my eyes have seen. :'''Rameses''': Do you haggle with me like a seller of melons in the marketplace? :'''Dathan''': No, I will not haggle, Great Prince. Here's your money. ''[Rameses hits his hand throwing coins]'' But for ten talons of fine gold, I'll give you the wealth of Egypt. Give me my freedom, and I'll give you the scepter. Give me the water girl Lilia, and I'll give you the princess of your heart's desire. Give me this house of Baka, and I'll give you the throne. Give me all that I ask...or give me leave to go. :'''Rameses''': ''[pulls out his blade]'' I will give you more than leave to go. I will send you where you belong. :'''Dathan''': I belong in your service, Glorious One. :'''Rameses''': Very well. I will bargain with you. If what you say pleases me, I will give you your price, all of it. If not, I will give you the point of this blade through your lying throat. Agreed? :'''Dathan''': Agreed. The deliverer...is Moses. :'''Rameses''': ''[puts his blade on Dathan's neck]'' Draw one more breath to tell me why Moses or any other Egyptian would deliver the Hebrews. :'''Dathan''': Moses is not Egyptian. He's Hebrew, the son of slaves. :'''Rameses''': ''[gets quietly surprised]'' I will pay your price. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': Great Pharaoh...I stand in the shadow of your justice. :'''Seti''': Whose work is this? :'''Rameses''': I warned you of his treason, my father. Judge now if I spoke truly. The evil star foretold him as the destroyer of Egypt and deliverer of slaves. :'''Seti''': It is not possible. A prince of Egypt? :'''Rameses''': He is not a prince of Egypt. He is not the son of your sister. He is the son of Hebrew slaves. ''[The crowd is shocked]'' :'''Seti''': Speak...my son. :'''Moses''': I am the son of Amram and Yochabel, Hebrew slaves. ''[The crowd is shocked again]'' :'''Bithiah''': My brother, it was I who deceived you, not Moses. He was only a child. :'''Seti''': Leave me. I shall not see your face again. ''[Rameses orders Pentaur to take Bithiah away from him; to Moses]'' Moses...come to me. ''[Moses approaches him]'' I do not care who you are or what you are or what they may say about you, but I want to hear from your own lips that you are not a traitor, that you would not lead these people in revolt against me. Tell me, Moses. I will believe you. :'''Moses''': I am not this deliverer you fear. It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a god. But if I could free them, I would. :'''Seti''': What has turned you against me? From the time my sister brought you to the court, I loved you, reared you, set you before my own son, because I saw in you a worth and a greatness above other men. :'''Moses''': No son could have more love for you than I. :'''Seti''': Then why are you forcing me to destroy you? What evil has done this to you? :'''Moses''': The evil that men should turn their brothers into beasts of burden, to slave and suffer in dumb anguish, to be stripped of spirit and hope and faith - only because they are of another race, another creed. If there is a God, He did not mean this to be so. What I have done...I was compelled to do. :'''Seti''': So be it. What I do now, I am compelled to do. :'''Nefretiri''': No. No. :'''Seti''': ''[grabs Nefretiri]'' Rameses...Egypt shall be yours. Hear what I say, Rameses. When I cross the River of Death, you will be...Pharaoh in Egypt. Harden yourself against subordinates. Put no faith in a brother. Have no friend. Trust no woman. I protected the helpless. I nourished the orphan. :'''Nefretiri''': Great One! ''[hugs Seti]'' :'''Seti''': But he who ate my bread and called me father would make rebellion against me. :'''Rameses''': What manner of death do you decree for him? ''[Some people in the crowd say "death" as a possible answer]'' :'''Seti''': I cannot speak it. Let it be as you will. :'''Nefretiri''': I will not live if you must die! ''[hugs Moses's leg and sobs]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[takes Nefretiri away from Moses]'' The feet of a Hebrew slave is not the right place for the next queen of Egypt. ''[to guards]'' Take him away. ''[The guards lead the arrested Moses away towards the exit]'' :'''Seti''': Let the name of Moses be stricken from every book and tablet. Stricken from all pylons and obelisks, stricken from every monument of Egypt. Let the name of...Moses be unheard and unspoken, erased from the memory of men...for all time. <hr width=50%> :'''Moses''': At such a time, has any man ever gone to see Him face to face? :'''Sephora''': No man has ever set foot on the forbidden slopes of Sinai. Why do you want to see Him, Moses? :'''Moses''': To know that He is. And if He is, to know why He has not heard the cries of slaves in bondage. :'''Sephora''': Moses, it would be death to look upon His face. :'''Moses''': How many of my people have died because He has turned away His face? :'''Sephora''': Can a man judge God? No, Moses. We cannot see His whole purpose. Even Ishmael did not know that God drove him into the desert to be the father of a nation. Is it not enough to know that He had saved you from the Pharaoh's anger? :'''Moses''': How do you know that? :'''Sephora''': You walk like a prince. And you fight like a warrior. And there is word in the caravans of a great one who was driven out of Egypt. :'''Moses''': This is not the scepter of a prince, but the staff of a wanderer. :'''Sephora''': Then rest from wandering. My father has many flocks and no son to tend them. There would be peace of spirit for you, Moses, in our tents beneath the Holy Mountain. :'''Moses''': You have strong faith in this God, Sephora. But for me, there is no peace of spirit until I hear the Word of God, from ''God Himself''. <hr width=50%> :''[Seti is dying]'' :'''Egyptian Guard''': May the gods bless you, as you go to join them in the land of the dead. :'''Seti''': The old windbag. What an infernal fuss. After all, dying is only a part of living. :'''Nefretiri''': You won't die, old crocodile. You'll cheat death the way you cheat me at hounds and jackals. :'''Seti''': I'm afraid he won't let me cheat the way you do. ''[gives the staff to Rameses]'' You'll be Pharaoh by sunset, Rameses. I hope you're content...at last. :'''Rameses''': I am content to be your son. You have restored Egypt to her greatness. I shall make her greatness feared among nations. :'''Seti''': No doubt, no doubt. You can overcome anything...but your own arrogance. :'''Nefretiri''': Don't exhaust yourself, Great One. Dear Great One. :'''Seti''': Why not, kitten? You are the only thing I regret leaving. You have been my joy. :'''Nefretiri''': And you my only love. :'''Seti''': Aha. Now you're cheating. There was another. :'''Nefretiri''': Yes. :'''Seti''': ''[last words]'' I know. I loved him, too. With my last breath, I'll break my own law and speak the name of...''Moses''. ''Moses''. ''[he dies; Nefretiri sobs]'' :'''Rameses''': The royal falcon...has flown into the sun. <hr width=50%> :''[Moses approaches the Burning Bush on Mount Sinai. A voice speaks from the Bush]'' :'''Voice''': ''[barely audible]'' Moses...''[louder]'' Moses... :'''Moses''': I am here. :'''Voice''': Put off thy shoes from off thy feet. For the place where art thou stands is holy ground. ''[Moses takes off his sandals]'' I am the God of thy Father. The God of Abraham, the God of Issac, and the God of Jacob. :'''Moses''': Lord...Lord, why do You not hear the cries of their children in the bondage of Egypt? :'''God''': I have surely seen the affliction of My people which are in Egypt, and I have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters, for I know their sorrows. Therefore, I will send thee, Moses, onto Pharoah. That thou mayst bring My people out of Egypt. :'''Moses''': Who am I, Lord, that You should send ''me?'' How can ''I'' lead these people out of bondage? What words can I speak that they will heed? :'''God''': I will teach thee what thou will say. When thou has brought forth the people, they shall serve Me upon this mountain. I will put My laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them. Now, therefore, go. And I will be with thee. :'''Moses''': But if I say to Your children that the God of their Fathers has sent me, they will ask "what is His name?", and how shall I answer them? :'''God''': I am that I Am. Thou shalt say, "I Am has sent me onto you." <hr width=50%> :'''Moses''': I stood upon holy ground. :'''Joshua''': Can you tell us, Moses? :'''Moses''': My eyes could not look upon Him. :'''Joshua''': Did He speak? :'''Moses''': He revealed His word to my mind, and the word was God. :'''Joshua''': Did He speak as a man? :'''Moses''': He is not flesh, but spirit. The light of eternal mind, and I know that His light is in every man. :'''Joshua''': Did He ask something of you? :'''Moses''': That I go to Egypt. :'''Joshua''': You ''are'' God's messenger! He has set the day of deliverance. I will get water and bread that we may leave at once. :'''Sephora''': But Egypt holds death for you. :'''Moses''': If it be His will. :'''Sephora''': Where He sends you, I shall go. Your God is my God. :'''Joshua''': I will lead men against the armory at Migdol and get swords for the people! :'''Moses''': It is not by the sword that He will deliver His people, but by the staff of a shepherd. <hr width=50%> :'''Nefretiri''': But beauty of the spirit will not free your people, Moses. You will come to me or they will never leave Egypt. :'''Moses''': The fate of Israel is not in your hands, Nefretiri. ''[turns and walks away]'' :'''Nefretiri''': ''[blocking his exit]'' Oh, isn't it? Who else can soften Pharaoh's heart? Or ''harden it?'' :'''Moses:''': ''[takes hold of her jaw]'' Yes. You may be the lovely dust through which God will work His purpose. <hr width=50%> :'''Moses''': How long will you refuse to humble yourself before God? :'''Rameses''': If you bring another plague upon us, it is not your God but I, who will turn the Nile red with blood. :'''Moses''': As your father's father turned the streets of Goshen red with the blood of our male children! IF there IS one more plague on Egypt, it is by ''your'' word that God will bring it. And there shall be so great a cry throughout the land...that you will surely let the people go. ''[walks away]'' :'''Rameses''': Come to me no more, Moses! For on the day you see my face again, you will surely die! :'''Moses''': So let it be written. ''[leaves]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[enraged]'' I will give this spawn of slaves and his god an answer the world will not forget! Commander of the Host, call in the chariots from Tanis! There shall be one more plague, only it will come upon the slaves of Goshen. The firstborn of each house shall die, beginning with the son of Moses! <hr width=50%> :'''Nefretiri''': You need have no fear of me. :'''Sephora''': I feared only his memory of you. :'''Nefretiri''': You have been able to erase it? :'''Sephora''': He has forgotten both of us. You lost him when he went to seek his God. I lost him when he found his God. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': It is not my son who will die, it is...it is the firstborn of Egypt. It is ''your'' son, Nefretiri! :'''Nefretiri''': ''[shocked]'' You...You would not dare strike Pharaoh's son! :'''Moses''': In the hardness of his heart, Pharaoh has mocked God and brings death to his own son! :'''Nefretiri''': But he is ''my'' son, Moses. You would not harm my son. :'''Moses''': By myself, I am nothing. It is the power of God which uses me to work His will. :'''Nefretiri''': But I saved your son! :'''Moses''': I cannot save yours. <hr width=50%> :'''Miriam''': Death is all around us! :'''Joshua''': But it passes those who have believed the Lord. :'''Moses''': Always remember, Eleazar, He passed over your house. <hr width=50%> :''[Before Rameses' son dies from the final plague]'' :'''Rameses''': You have conquered, Moses. The foot of a slave is on the neck of Egypt. You were saved from the Nile to be a curse upon me. Your shadow fell between me and my father, between me and my fame, between me and my queen. Your shadow now fills all things with death. Go out from among us, you and your people. I set you free. :'''Moses''': It is not by your word, nor by my hand that we are free, Pharaoh. The power of God has freed us. :'''Rameses''': Enough of your words! Take your people, your cattle, your God and your pestilence! ''[throws his collar to the ground]'' Take what spoils from Egypt you will, but go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nefretiri''': How many more days and nights will you pray? Does he hear you? :'''Rameses''': Dread Lord of Darkness, I have raised my voice to you, yet life has not come to the body of my son. Hear me! :'''Nefretiri''': He cannot hear you. He's nothing but a piece of stone with the head of a bird. :'''Rameses''': He will hear me. I am Egypt. :'''Nefretiri''': Egypt? You are nothing. You let Moses kill my son. No god can bring him back. What have you done to Moses? How did he die? Did he cry for mercy when you tortured him? Bring me to his body! I want to see it, Rameses! I want to see it! :'''Rameses''': This is my son. He would have been Pharaoh. He would have ruled the world. Who mourns him now? Not even you. All you can think of is Moses. You will not see his body. I drove him out of Egypt. I cannot fight the power of his God. :'''Nefretiri''': His God? The priests say that Pharaoh is a god. But you are not a god. You are even less than a man! Listen to me, Rameses. You thought I was evil when I went to Moses. And you were right. Shall I tell you what happened, Rameses? He spurned me like a strumpet in the street. I, Nefretiri, Queen of Egypt! All that you wanted from me he would not even take! Do you hear laughter, Pharaoh? Not the laughter of kings, but the laughter of slaves on the desert! :'''Rameses''': Laughter? Laughter?! ''[shoves her aside and rings the gong]'' My son, I shall build your tomb upon their crushed bodies. If any escape me, their seed shall be spattered and accursed forever. ''[to the arriving servant]'' My armor! War crown!''[to Nefretiri]'' Laughter...I will turn the laughter of these slaves into wails of torment! They shall remember the name of Moses! Only that he died under my chariot wheels! :'''Nefretiri''': Kill him with your own hands. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nefretiri''': ''[bringing Rameses his sword]'' Bring it back to me, stained with his blood. :'''Rameses''': I will. ''[takes the sword and sheathes it]'' To mingle with your own! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the waters of the Red Sea surge at their feet, Moses looks up to the heavens and the clearing skies, crying in a loud voice in half exultation and half anguish]'' :'''Moses''': Thou didst blow with Thy wind, ''[kneels to the ground and Miriam kisses the hem of his robe]'' and the sea covered them. Who is like unto Thee, O Lord. From everlasting to everlasting, Thou art God! ''[The Hebrews, with their arms on the air, others falling on their knees in prayer, shouts the prayer of thanksgiving and deliverance]'' :'''Crowds''': '''THOU ART GOD'''! <hr width=50%> :''[Walking into the throne room, Rameses lifts his sword to kill Nefretiri]'' :'''Nefretiri''': Before you strike, show me his blood on your sword. ''[lowering his arm, Rameses tosses the sword down and sits]'' You couldn't even kill him. :'''Rameses''': His god...''is God.'' <hr width=50%> :''[As Moses decends from the Cloud-capped summit with the Tablets, Joshua greets him]'' :'''Joshua''': The light of God shines you, Moses. ''[kneels]'' :'''Moses''': Do not kneel to me, Joshua. :'''Joshua''': These tablets of living stone? :'''Moses''': The writing of God...His Ten Commandments. ''[Suddenly, faint sounds of debauchery are heard]'' :'''Joshua''': There is a noise of war in the camp! :'''Moses''': It is not the noise of war. It is the noise of song and revelry. ''[leads downhill]'' ''[At the camp, the Hebrews continually indulging the excess of drunken pleasure and debauchery as Moses arrives above them. Then Joshua blows a shattering blast of his shofar, the dancing, the music, and the sounds of the timbrel stopped. The Hebrews look up to see Moses and Joshua on the mount]'' :'''Crowds''': It's Moses! Moses! Moses! ''[On Aaron's tent hope is renewed to the Women who stood firm and Sephora looks at Moses offscreen]'' :'''Sephora''': Moses! Moses! :'''Lilia''': ''[on the calf, her lips breaks to a cry]'' Joshua! :'''Moses''': Woe unto thee, O Israel! You have sinned a great sin in the sight of God! You are not worthy to receive these Ten Commandments! ''[The people, upon seeing Moses and Joshua descending from the mountain, they withdrew from the calf, some kept closer to the idol, others covered their heads on shame]'' :'''Dathan''': We're gathered against you, Moses. You take too much upon yourself. We will not live by your commandments. We're free! :'''Crowds''': Free! Free! :'''Moses''': There is no freedom without the law. ''[shows the two tablets]'' :'''Dathan''': Whose law, Moses? Yours? Did you carve those tablets to become a prince over us? :'''Moses''': Who is on the Lord's side? Let him come to me. ''[In the response of Moses' call, shouts of "I am", "Moses lead us", "we are lost" erupted. Aaron then took a knife from Abiram to cut the cords that bind Lilia on the calf]'' :'''Crowds''': Moses! Moses! ''[As if Moses was parting the Red Sea again, the repentant and loyal to him ascend the mountain while Dathan and the rest cling to the calf]'' :'''Man''': Aaron, you have cursed us! :'''Aaron''': Dathan and the people made me do it! :'''Lilia''': ''[reaching Joshua's arms]'' Joshua! Joshua! ''[As the crowds surging up to Moses on the mount, Dathan tried to dissuade them for the last time]'' :'''Dathan''': He showed you no land flowing with milk and honey. I show you a god of gold! Come with me! Follow me! :'''Moses''': ''[looking over the crowds, his hand pointing to Dathan]'' Blasphemers! Idolaters! For this you shall drink bitter waters. God has set before you this day His Laws of Life and Good, and Death and Evil. Those who will not live by the Law... ''[raises the Tablets above, which the crowd joining Dathan panicked and started to flee]'' '''SHALL DIE BY THE LAW!''' ''[Then Moses smashes the Tablets to the calf, which it explodes. Dathan cringes in terror, then the earth beneath the altar quakes and splits open, Dathan, Abiram, and Korah are sucked into it]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Moses''': The Lord was angry with me because I disobeyed Him by the waters of strife. And He said unto me, "Behold the new land with thine eyes, for thou shalt not cross over this River Jordan". :'''Sephora''': Then I shall stay. :'''Moses''': I am called by the Lord, Sephora. I go alone. :'''Sephora''': Look, Moses. The people have come to the River Jordan. In the ark, they carry the law you brought them. You taught them not to live by bread alone. You are God's torch that lights the way to freedom. I love you. :'''Moses''': Joshua. ''[gives the staff and the Levite cloth to Joshua]'' Joshua, I charge you and strengthen you, for you shall go over Jordan to lead the people. :'''Joshua''': As for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord. :'''Moses''': Mered, give me the books. Eleazar, set these five books in the Ark of the Covenant by the tablets of the Ten Commandments, which the Lord restored unto us. ''[bids farewell]'' Go, proclaim liberty throughout all the lands, unto all the inhabitants thereof! ''[walks away to the top of Mount Nebo]'' == Taglines == * It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a God. * The Greatest Event in Motion Picture History == Cast == {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[Charlton Heston]] - [[Moses]] * [[w:Yul Brynner|Yul Brynner]] - [[w:Rameses II|Rameses II]] * [[Anne Baxter]] - [[w:Nefertari|Nefretiri]] * [[Edward G. Robinson]] - [[w:Dathan|Dathan]] * [[Yvonne De Carlo]] - [[w:Zipporah|Sephora]] * [[w:Debra Paget|Debra Paget]] - Lilia * [[w:John Derek|John Derek]] - [[w:Joshua|Joshua]] * [[w:Cedric Hardwicke|Cedric Hardwicke]] - [[w:Seti I|Seti I]] * [[w:Nina Foch|Nina Foch]] - [[w:Bithiah|Bithiah]] * [[w:Martha Scott|Martha Scott]] - [[w:Jochebed|Yochabel]] {{col-2}} * [[w:Judith Anderson|Judith Anderson]] - Memnet * [[Vincent Price]] - Baka * [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]] - [[w:Aaron|Aaron]] * [[w:Olive Deering|Olive Deering]] - [[w:Miriam|Miriam]] * [[w:Eduard Franz|Eduard Franz]] - [[w:Jethro (Bible)|Jethro]] * [[w:Ian Keith|Ian Keith]] as [[w:Ramesses I|Rameses I]] (final film role) * [[w:Lawrence Dobkin|Lawrence Dobkin]] - [[w:Caleb|Caleb]] * [[w:H. B. Warner|H. B. Warner]] - [[w:Amminadab|Amminadab]] * [[w:Julia Faye|Julia Faye]] - [[w:Elisheba|Elisheba]] {{col-end}} ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline|The Ten Commandments (1956 film)}} *{{commonscat-inline|The Ten Commandments (1956 film)}} *{{imdb title|id=0049833|title=The Ten Commandments}} *[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRGhOcnmChI&feature=related Cecil B. Demille talks about his masterpiece] {{DEFAULTSORT:Ten Commandments, The}} [[Category:1956 American films]] [[Category:American drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Historical films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films about slavery]] [[Category:Films about Jews and Judaism]] [[Category:Films directed by Cecil B. DeMille]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] hdrgzbuymuxyeyir9f65m8g18k82fvn 0 13959 3944314 3938521 2026-05-23T00:39:19Z Mattwoody555 3293953 3944314 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? == Buzz Lightyear == * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * To Al's Toy Barn and beyond! == Jessie == * ''[repeated line]'' Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! == Dialogue == :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute, and I can't find it anywhere! :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes. :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right. Right. Of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': You see, the word "Andy," and no hat. :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! :''[Then he sees the rip in Woody's arm and his smile turns to a frown]'' :'''Andy''': Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't want to play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kissing Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Stinky Pete''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Stinky Pete''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Stinky Pete''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Stinky Pete''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Stinky Pete''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Stinky Pete''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this Andy break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he really loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment]'' :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[he and the others use Rex as a battering ram]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head! :''[they quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz? Huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy, because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[the other toys make their way back to the vent]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"]'' What am I doing? Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape]'' :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down cowboy doll is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] rdti2gbd4we0xjj4n2asrnno22bsg00 3944316 3944314 2026-05-23T00:40:49Z Mattwoody555 3293953 3944316 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? == Buzz Lightyear == * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * To Al's Toy Barn and beyond! == Jessie == * ''[repeated line]'' Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! == Stinky Pete == * Why, my prodigal son has returned. == Dialogue == :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute, and I can't find it anywhere! :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes. :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right. Right. Of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': You see, the word "Andy," and no hat. :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! :''[Then he sees the rip in Woody's arm and his smile turns to a frown]'' :'''Andy''': Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't want to play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kissing Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Stinky Pete''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Stinky Pete''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Stinky Pete''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Stinky Pete''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Stinky Pete''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Stinky Pete''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this Andy break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he really loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment]'' :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[he and the others use Rex as a battering ram]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head! :''[they quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz? Huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy, because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[the other toys make their way back to the vent]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"]'' What am I doing? Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape]'' :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down cowboy doll is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] 28vljuiy9wn3c7ziq449fr19kykiixk 3944318 3944316 2026-05-23T00:45:16Z Mattwoody555 3293953 /* Dialogue */ 3944318 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? == Buzz Lightyear == * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * To Al's Toy Barn and beyond! == Jessie == * ''[repeated line]'' Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! == Stinky Pete == * Why, my prodigal son has returned. == Dialogue == :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute, and I can't find it anywhere! :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes. :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right. Right. Of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': You see, the word "Andy," and no hat. :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! :''[Then he sees the rip in Woody's arm and his smile turns to a frown]'' :'''Andy''': Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't want to play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kissing Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Stinky Pete''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Stinky Pete''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Stinky Pete''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Stinky Pete''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Stinky Pete''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Stinky Pete''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this Andy break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he really loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment]'' :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[he and the others use Rex as a battering ram]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head! :''[they quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz? Huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy, because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[the other toys make their way back to the vent]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"]'' What am I doing? Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape]'' :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down cowboy doll is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': ''[to Jessie]'' Uh, ma'am? I, uh, um, well, I just wanted to say you're a bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. A hair full of yarn. It's ah... um... I must go. :'''Jessie''': ''[embraces Buzz]'' Well, aren't you the sweetest space toy I've ever met? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] 13vzss16e6h29h7sjz2y0r9dpnj6amk 3944319 3944318 2026-05-23T00:46:46Z Mattwoody555 3293953 /* Buzz Lightyear */ 3944319 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? == Buzz Lightyear == * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * We'll be back before Andy gets home! * To Al's Toy Barn and beyond! == Jessie == * ''[repeated line]'' Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! == Stinky Pete == * Why, my prodigal son has returned. == Dialogue == :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute, and I can't find it anywhere! :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes. :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right. Right. Of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': You see, the word "Andy," and no hat. :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! :''[Then he sees the rip in Woody's arm and his smile turns to a frown]'' :'''Andy''': Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't want to play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kissing Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Stinky Pete''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Stinky Pete''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Stinky Pete''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Stinky Pete''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Stinky Pete''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Stinky Pete''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this Andy break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he really loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment]'' :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[he and the others use Rex as a battering ram]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head! :''[they quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz? Huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy, because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[the other toys make their way back to the vent]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"]'' What am I doing? Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape]'' :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down cowboy doll is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': ''[to Jessie]'' Uh, ma'am? I, uh, um, well, I just wanted to say you're a bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. A hair full of yarn. It's ah... um... I must go. :'''Jessie''': ''[embraces Buzz]'' Well, aren't you the sweetest space toy I've ever met? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] s1lug37fnwv61ih7h6952phv6oz1a6o 3944320 3944319 2026-05-23T00:48:36Z Mattwoody555 3293953 /* Buzz Lightyear */ 3944320 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? == Buzz Lightyear == * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * We'll be back before Andy come home. * To Al's Toy Barn and beyond! == Jessie == * ''[repeated line]'' Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! == Stinky Pete == * Why, my prodigal son has returned. == Dialogue == :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute, and I can't find it anywhere! :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes. :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right. Right. Of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': You see, the word "Andy," and no hat. :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! :''[Then he sees the rip in Woody's arm and his smile turns to a frown]'' :'''Andy''': Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't want to play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kissing Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Stinky Pete''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Stinky Pete''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Stinky Pete''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Stinky Pete''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Stinky Pete''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Stinky Pete''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this Andy break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he really loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment]'' :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[he and the others use Rex as a battering ram]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head! :''[they quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz? Huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy, because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[the other toys make their way back to the vent]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"]'' What am I doing? Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape]'' :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down cowboy doll is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': ''[to Jessie]'' Uh, ma'am? I, uh, um, well, I just wanted to say you're a bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. A hair full of yarn. It's ah... um... I must go. :'''Jessie''': ''[embraces Buzz]'' Well, aren't you the sweetest space toy I've ever met? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] duq003z9kkk6cgmi5tswcqtvy5s7kpj 3944321 3944320 2026-05-23T00:48:49Z Mattwoody555 3293953 /* Buzz Lightyear */ 3944321 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? == Buzz Lightyear == * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * We'll be back before Andy comes home. * To Al's Toy Barn and beyond! == Jessie == * ''[repeated line]'' Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! == Stinky Pete == * Why, my prodigal son has returned. == Dialogue == :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute, and I can't find it anywhere! :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes. :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right. Right. Of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': You see, the word "Andy," and no hat. :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! :''[Then he sees the rip in Woody's arm and his smile turns to a frown]'' :'''Andy''': Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't want to play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kissing Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Stinky Pete''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Stinky Pete''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Stinky Pete''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Stinky Pete''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Stinky Pete''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Stinky Pete''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there. I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this Andy break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he really loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment]'' :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[he and the others use Rex as a battering ram]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head! :''[they quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz? Huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy, because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[the other toys make their way back to the vent]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"]'' What am I doing? Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape]'' :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair? I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down cowboy doll is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': ''[to Jessie]'' Uh, ma'am? I, uh, um, well, I just wanted to say you're a bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. A hair full of yarn. It's ah... um... I must go. :'''Jessie''': ''[embraces Buzz]'' Well, aren't you the sweetest space toy I've ever met? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] d59i6ztlqm6nzpfmojpoq142dzt9jre 0 17983 3944356 3866361 2026-05-23T02:46:17Z DanielTom 608538 ~ 3944356 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Como - Dome - Facade - Plinius the Elder.jpg|thumb|Never do a thing concerning the rectitude of which you are in doubt.]] '''[[w:Pliny the Younger|Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundus]]''' (63 – c. 113), better known as '''Pliny the Younger''', was a lawyer, an author and a natural philosopher of Ancient Rome. == Quotes == === ''Letters'' === ==== Book I ==== * Modestus said of Regulus that he was "the biggest rascal that walks upon two legs." ** Letter 5, 14. * ''Meminimus quanto maiore animo honestatis fructus in conscientia quam in fama reponatur. Sequi enim gloria, non appeti debet.'' ** I am sensible how much nobler it is to place the reward of virtue in the silent approbation of one's own breast than in the applause of the world. Glory ought to be the consequence, not the motive of our actions. ** Letter 8, 14. * ''Homines enim cum rem destruere non possunt, iactationem eius incessunt. Ita si silenda feceris, factum ipsum, si laudanda non sileas, ipse culparis.'' ** Such is the disposition of mankind, if they cannot blast an action, they will censure the parade of it; and whether you do what does not deserve to be taken notice of, or take notice yourself of what does, either way you incur reproach. ** Letter 8, 15. * There is nothing to write about, you say. Well, then, write and let me know just this,—that there is nothing to write about; or tell me in the good old style if you are well. That's right. I am quite well. ** Letter 11, 1. * I contemplate the sort of friend, the sort of man I am now without. He completed his sixty-seventh year, a reasonable age for the sturdiest of us; I acknowledge that. He escaped from an interminable illness; I acknowledge that. He died with his dear ones surviving him, and at a time of prosperity for the state, which was dearer to him than all else; that too I acknowledge. Yet I lament his death as though he were young and in glowing health. I lament it—you can consider me a weakling in this—on my own account, for I have lost the witness, guardian and teacher of my life. ** Letter 12, 11–13; on the death of his friend Cornelius Rufus. * ''Quod dubites, ne feceris.'' ** '''Never do a thing concerning the rectitude of which you are in doubt.''' ** Letter 18, 5. * ''Usus, magister egregius.'' ** Experience, that excellent master. ** Letter 20, 12. * ''Quam peritus ille et privati iuris et publici! quantum rerum, quantum exemplorum, quantum antiquitatis tenet! Nihil est quod discere velis quod ille docere non possit; mihi certe quotiens aliquid abditum quaero, ille thesaurus est.'' ** How skillful he is both in public and in private law! What a knowledge he possesses of things, of examples, and of antiquity! There is nothing you would learn which he cannot teach. In every difficulty he is my constant resource. ** Letter 22, 2. On [[w:Titius Aristo|Titius Aristo]]. Reported in J. W. Jones, ''A Translation of all the Greek, Latin, Italian, and French Quotations which Occur in Blackstone's 'Commentaries on the Laws of England', &c.'' (Philadelphia, PA: T. & J. W. Johnson & Co, 1889) p. 1 * ''Ornat haec magnitudo animi, quae nihil ad ostentationem, omnia ad conscientiam refert recteque facti non ex populi sermone mercedem, sed ex facto petit.'' ** To all this, his illustrious mind reflects the noblest ornament; he places no part of his happiness in ostentation, but refers the whole of it to conscience; and seeks the reward of a virtuous action, not in the applauses of the world, but in the action itself. ** Letter 22, 5. ==== Book II ==== * ''Plenus annis abit, plenus honoribus.'' ** He died full of years and of glory. ** Letter 1, 7. * The living voice is that which sways the soul. ** Letter 3, 9. * ''Numerantur enim sententiae, non ponderantur; nec aliud in publico consilio potest fieri, in quo nihil est tam inaequale quam aequalitas ipsa.'' ** Votes go by number, not weight; nor can it be otherwise in assemblies of this kind, where nothing is more unequal than that equality which prevails in them. ** Letter 12, 5. [[File:Pliny the Younger and his Mother at Misenum, 79 A.D., by Angelica Kauffmann, English, 1785, oil on canvas - Princeton University Art Museum - DSC06494 (cropped).jpg|thumb|An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.]] * ''Rarum id quidem nihil enim aeque gratum est adeptis quam concupiscentibus.'' ** An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit. ** Letter 15, 1. ==== Book III ==== * ''Vita hominum altos recessus magnasque latebras habet.'' ** Character lies more concealed, and out of the reach of common observation. ** Letter 3, 6. * ''Quamlibet saepe obligati, si quid unum neges, hoc solum meminerunt quod negatum est.'' ** Oblige people never so often, and, if you deny them on a single point, they remember nothing but that refusal. ** Letter 4, 6. * ''Dicere etiam solebat nullum esse librum tam malum ut non aliqua parte prodesset..'' ** He used to say that "'''no book was so bad but that some good might be got out of it'''." ** Letter 5, 10, referring to [[Pliny the Elder]]. * ''Multi famam, conscientiam pauci verentur.'' ** The truth is, the generality of mankind stand in awe of public opinion, while conscience is feared only by the few. ** Letter 20, 9. ==== Book IV ==== * ''Neque enim minus apud nos honestas quam apud alios necessitas valet.'' ** Honour is to you and me as strong an obligation, as necessity to others. ** Letter 10, 3. * ''Omnes enim, qui gloria famaque ducuntur, mirum in modum assensio et laus a minoribus etiam profecta delectat.'' ** Those who are actuated by the desire of fame and glory are amazingly gratified by approbation and praise, even though it comes from their inferiors. ** Letter 12, 6. * ''Educentur hic qui hic nascuntur, statimque ab infantia natale solum amare frequentare consuescant.'' ** They will by this means receive their education where they receive their birth, and be accustomed from their infancy to inhabit and affect their native soil. ** Letter 13, 9. * By then day had broken everywhere, but here it was still night—no, more than night. ** Letter 16. * ''Dixi omnia cum hominem nominavi.'' ** To name the man is to say all! ** Letter 22, 4. * ''Utque in corporibus sic in imperio gravissimus est morbus, qui a capite diffunditur.'' ** It is in the body politic, as in the natural, those disorders are most dangerous that flow from the head. ** Letter 22, 7. * ''Si computes annos, exiguum tempus, si vices rerum, aevum putes.'' ** If you compute the years in which all this has happened, it is but a little while; if you number the vicissitudes, it seems an age. ** Letter 24, 5. ==== Book V ==== * ''Mihi autem videtur acerba semper et immatura mors eorum, qui immortale aliquid parant.'' ** For my part, I regard every death as cruel and premature, that removes one who is preparing some immortal work. ** Letter 5, 4. * ''Proinde, dum suppetit vita, enitamur ut mors quam paucissima quae abolere possit inveniat.'' ** Let us strive then, while Life is ours, to secure that Death may find we have left little or nothing he can destroy. ** Letter 5, 8. * ''Est omnino iniquum, sed usu receptum, quod honesta consilia vel turpia, prout male aut prospere cedunt, ita vel probantur vel reprehenduntur.'' ** It is the usual though inequitable method of the world, to pronounce an action to be either right or wrong, as it is attended with good or ill success. ** Letter 9, 7. * ''Nescit enim semel incitata liberalitas stare, cuius pulchritudinem usus ipse commendat.'' ** Generosity, when once she is set forward, knows not how to stop her progress; as her beauty is of that order which grows the more engaging upon nearer acquaintance. ** Letter 11, 3. * ''O morte ipsa mortis tempus indignius!'' ** More cruel than death itself, to die at that particular conjuncture! ** Letter 16, 6. * This expression of ours, "Father of a family." ** Letter 19, 2. ==== Book VI ==== * ''Poetis mentiri licet.'' ** It is allowed to poets to lie. ** Letter 21. * ''Quam multum interest quid a quoque fiat!'' ** How much does the fame of human actions depend upon the station of those who perform them! ** Letter 24, 1. ==== Book VII ==== * ''Multum legendum esse, non multa.'' ** We should read much, we should not read many books. ** Letter 9, 15. * ''In numero ipso est quoddam magnum collatumque consilium, quibusque singulis iudicii parum, omnibus plurimum.'' ** A certain large collective wisdom resides in a crowd, as such; and men whose individual judgement is defective are excellent judges when grouped together. ** Letter 17, 10. * ''Oportet privatis utilitatibus publicas, mortalibus aeternas anteferre, multoque diligentius muneri suo consulere quam facultatibus.'' ** A man must rate public and permanent, above private and fleeting advantages and study how to render his benefaction most useful, rather than how he may bestow it with least expense. ** Letter 18, 5. * Everything was done. ** Letter 27. * ''Nam nec historia debet egredi veritatem, et honeste factis veritas sufficit.'' ** For History ought not to depart from the truth, and the truth is all the praise that virtuous actions need. ** Letter 33, 10. ==== Book VIII ==== * ''Olim nescio quid sit otium quid quies, quid denique illud iners quidem, iucundum tamen nihil agere nihil esse.'' ** It is long since I have known the sweets of leisure and repose; since I have known in fine, '''that indolent but agreeable condition of doing nothing''', and being nothing. ** Letter 9, 1. * ''Est enim quaedam etiam dolendi voluptas, praesertim si in amici sinu defleas, apud quem lacrimis tuis vel laus sit parata vel venia.'' ** For there is a certain luxury in grief; especially when we pour out our sorrows in the bosom of a friend, who will approve, or, at least, pardon our tears. ** Letter 16, 5. * ''Parvolum differt, patiaris adversa an exspectes; nisi quod tamen est dolendi modus, non est timendi. Doleas enim quantum scias accidisse, timeas quantum possit accidere.'' ** There is little difference between expecting misfortune and undergoing it; except that grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none. For we grieve only for what we know has happened; but we fear all that possibly may happen. ** Letter 17, 6. * ''Falsum est nimirum quod creditur vulgo, testamenta hominum speculum esse morum.'' ** There is certainly no truth in the popular belief, that a man's will is the mirror of his character. ** Letter 18, 1. [[File:Claude Lorrain - Capriccio with ruins of the Roman Forum - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Objects which are usually the motives of our travels by land and by sea are often overlooked and neglected if they lie under our eye.]] * ''Ad quae noscenda iter ingredi, transmittere mare solemus, ea sub oculis posita neglegimu.'' [...] ''Differimus tamquam saepe visuri, quod datur videre quotiens velis cernere.'' ** '''Objects which are usually the motives of our travels by land and by sea are often overlooked and neglected if they lie under our eye.''' [...] We put off from time to time going and seeing what we know we have an opportunity of seeing when we please. ** Letter 20, 1. ==== Book IX ==== * ''Impensa monumenti supervacua est; memoria nostri durabit, si vita meruimus.'' ** The expense of a monument is superfluous; my memory will endure if my actions deserve it. ** Letter 19, 6; quoting [[w:Frontinus|Frontinus]]. * ''Neque enim soli iudicant qui maligne legunt.'' ** For the malicious, is not, I trust, the only judicious reader. ** Letter 38. * ''Nihil peccat, nisi quod nihil peccat.'' ** '''His only fault is that he has no fault.''' ** Letter 26, 1. * ''Ut satius unum aliquid insigniter facere quam plura mediocriter, ita plurima mediocriter, si non possis unum aliquid insigniter.'' ** As it is far better to excel in any single art, than to arrive only at a mediocrity in several; so on the other hand, a moderate skill in several is to be preferred, where one cannot attain to excellency in any. ** Letter 29, 1. * ''Ea invasit homines habendi cupido, ut possideri magis quam possidere videantur.'' ** The lust of lucre has so totally seized upon mankind, that their wealth seems rather to possess them, than they to possess their wealth. ** Letter 30, 4. * ''Quamquam longissimus, dies cito conditur.'' ** The day, even when it is at the longest, is quickly spent. ** Letter 36, 4. ==== Book X ==== * ''Sine auctore vero propositi libelli nullo crimine locum habere debent. Nam et pessimi exempli nec nostri saeculi est.'' ** Informations without the accuser's name subscribed must not be admitted in evidence against anyone, as it is introducing a very dangerous precedent, and by no means agreeable to the spirit of the age. ** Letter 97, 2; Trajan to Pliny. === ''Panegyricus'' === * ''Habet has vices conditio mortalium, ut adversa ex secundis, ex adversis secunda nascantur.'' ** Such are the vicissitudes of our mortal lot: misfortune is born of prosperity, and good fortune of ill-luck. ** V. * ''Secunda felices, adversa magnos probent.'' ** Prosperity proves men to be fortunate, while it is adversity which makes them great. ** XXXI. == External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/pliny.html The younger Pliny's works], in Latin, at the Latin Library {{DEFAULTSORT:Pliny the Younger}} [[Category:Lawyers from Rome]] [[Category:Philosophers from Rome]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:1st century births]] [[Category:2nd century deaths]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] 4o78o1hskml0j1cwem1lonsw2fg57za 0 20865 3944287 3879909 2026-05-22T21:29:00Z MazurTutejszy 3185315 3944287 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Libya 1979 Int Seminar of the Green Book (Col Gaddafi).jpg|thumb|I've done my best to make my people happy and free.]] [[File:Sadat Qaddafi Assad 1971.jpg|thumb|right|220px|I am not the leader of Libya, I am the leader of the Revolution.]] [[File:Muammar al-Gaddafi-09122003.jpg|thumb|right|220px|I am a Bedouin warrior who brought glory to Libya and will die a martyr.]] '''[[w:Muammar al-Gaddafi|Muammar abu Minyar al-Gaddafi]]''' ([[7 June]] [[1942]] – [[20 October]] [[2011]]) was the leader of Libya from 1969, when he overthrew the monarchy in a bloodless coup, until 2011 when he was overthrown by a popular rebellion. He declared Libya a directly democratic state (''jamahiriya'') in 1977, and stepped down from government office two years later, although he remained the effective center of power. Gaddafi pursued an anti-colonial and pan-African foreign policy that the United States and European countries condemned as sponsorship of terrorism. == Quotes == [[File:Muammar_al-Gaddafi-30112006.jpg|thumb|right|220px|There is only one religion which is Islam after Mohammed.… All those believers who do not follow Islam are losers.]] * Nothing would please me more, but who else would pump the [[oil]] that we need? God damn [[United States|America]]. **Response to a question on expelling Americans from Libya (March 1973), quoted in ''Time'' (2 April 1973) "[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,907040-6,00.html The Arab World: Oil, Power, Violence]" * Libya lived for 5000 years without oil and it is ready to live another 5000 years without it. ** Quote from oil fields nationalisation speech.<ref> http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-12688033</ref> * I have nothing to say to him [[Ronald Reagan]], because he is mad. He is foolish. He is an [[Israel|Israeli]] dog. **Interview with Marie Colvin, 20 June 1986. [http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/1986-06-20/news/8602060350_1_moammar-gadhafi-white-house-wife Sun-Sentinel] *I have a deep respect for the Circassians, and their historical suffering. They prefer to be called Adyghe and are a brave and faithful people who contributed to all countries in which they settled. **As quoted by Murad Batal Al- Shishani. * I am a fan of [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Atatürk]]. He is an excellent leader and has tremendous victories over westerners. But I don't like him. Because he turned Turkey into a nation-state. We are all Ottomans, but he refused this honor. Turkey abandoned us and after that we went into collapse. He is responsible for this. **Quote according to Uluç Öztüker and Hüsnü Mahalli. * When I met [[Gamal Abdel Nasser|Nasser]], he said to me, "I see myself when I was young in you. You are the future for the [[Arabs|Arab]] revolution." This meant very, very much to me. **''The Pittsburgh Press'' (3 August 1986) "Gadhafi, the man the world loves to hate" by Marie Colvin (UPI) * [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] was a man who created himself from nothing without any help from outside or other people. I followed his struggles. I see certain similarities between him and me. **''The Pittsburgh Press'' (3 August 1986) "Gadhafi, the man the world loves to hate" by Marie Colvin (UPI) * We [Libyans] support the [[Palestine|Palestinian]] resistance, and all the world supports this. We support their just cause, but we are against [[terrorism]]. **''The Pittsburgh Press'' (3 August 1986) "Gadhafi, the man the world loves to hate" by Marie Colvin (UPI) * Americans are good people. They have no aggressions against us and they like us as we like them. They must know I don't hate them. I love them.… I hear it is a complex society inside. Many Americans don't know about the outside world. The majority have no concern and no information about other people. They could not even find [[Africa]] on a map. I think Americans are good, but America will be taken over and destroyed from the inside by the [[Zionism|Zionist]] lobby. The Americans do not see this. They are getting decadent. Zionists will use this to destroy them. **''The Pittsburgh Press'' (3 August 1986) "Gadhafi, the man the world loves to hate" by Marie Colvin (UPI) * Reagan is mad. If he were here, I would tell him the truth about us. He hears about us only through hostile sources. **Remarks quoted in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (3 August 1986) "Gadhafi, the man the world loves to hate" by Marie Colvin (UPI) * Reagan plays with fire. He doesn't care about international [[peace]]. He plays as if he was in the theater. Reagan wants to dominate the world. He wants to find justification to make [[war]]. If he does this, if it goes on like this, a cataclysm will take place. Reagan should come and see that I am not a terrorist in a trench with a grenade in my pocket. **''The Pittsburgh Press'' (3 August 1986) "Gadhafi, the man the world loves to hate" by Marie Colvin (UPI) * My brother! You are my brother for the rest of my life! **Gaddafi expressing his gratitude to [[Nicolae Ceauşescu]] after receiving a [[w:Romanian language|Romanian]] translation of the [[Quran|Koran]], quoted in ''Red Horizons: Chronicles of a Communist Spy Chief'' (1987) by Ion Mihai Pacepa, p. 101 *I do not support peace in the [[Middle East]]. And I do not support [[Yasser Arafat|Arafat]]. He is a stupid, incompetent fool!... The stupid fool is a zealot, a warrior, and a clever one. But he doesn't accomplish anything. **Remarks quoted in ''Red Horizons: Chronicles of a Communist Spy Chief'' (1987) by Ion Mihai Pacepa, p. 110 * The times of [[w:Arab nationalism|Arab nationalism]] and unity are gone forever. These ideas which mobilized the masses are only a worthless currency. Libya has had to put up with too much from the Arabs for whom it has poured forth both blood and money. **Remarks (2003), quoted in ''Nonproliferation Norms'' (2009) by Maria Rost Rublee, p. 161 * The Libyans said they'll buy their way out of these three [terrorism] black lists. We'll pay so much, to hell with $2 billion or more. It's not compensation. It's a price. The Americans said it was Libya who did it. It is known that the president was madman Reagan who's got [[w:Alzheimer's disease|Alzheimer's]] and has lost his mind. He now crawls on all fours. **''SBS Dateline'' (8 October 2003) "The New Libya" * The [[black people]]’s struggle has vanquished [[racism]]. It was God who created colour. Today Obama, a son of [[Kenya]], a son of Africa, has made it in the United States of America. **Closing remarks at the [[w:African Union|African Union]] summit (4 February 2009), quoted in ''RFI English'' (4 February 2009) "[http://www.rfi.fr/actuen/articles/110/article_2801.asp Kadhafi closes AU summit, division over plans for 'United States of Africa']" by Zeenat Hansrod *[Somali maritime violence] is a response to greedy Western nations, who invade and exploit [[Somalia]]'s [[water]] resources illegally. It is not a piracy, it is self defence. It is defending the Somalia children's food. **Remarks at African Union headquarters, quoted in ''Daily Nation'' (5 February 2009) "[http://www.nation.co.ke/News/africa/-/1066/525348/-/13rtrgiz/-/index.html Gaddafi defends Somali pirates]" by Argaw Ahine * During my term in AU, I will initiate an organised compensation claim for Africa and I will fight for a greater voice for Africa in the [[w:United Nations Security Council|United Nations Security Council]]. If they do not want to live with us fairly, it is our planet and they can go to another planet. **Remarks at African Union headquarters, quoted in ''Daily Nation'' (5 February 2009) "[http://www.nation.co.ke/News/africa/-/1066/525348/-/13rtrgiz/-/index.html Gaddafi defends Somali pirates]" by Argaw Ahine *I am an international leader, the dean of the Arab rulers, the king of kings of Africa and the [[w:Imam|imam]] of [[Muslim|Muslims]], and my international status does not allow me to descend to a lower level. **Remarks after insulting King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia and having his microphone cut (30 March 2009), quoted in ''The Scotsman'' (31 March 2009) "[http://news.scotsman.com/world/Gaddafi-walks-out-of-summit.5123610.jp Gaddafi walks out of summit after attack on Saudi king]" by Salah Nasrawi * What's going on? … What you are doing is not allowed in Islamic law [''halal'']. What you are doing is forbidden in Islam [''haraam'']! … Do you know right from wrong? **Remarks to captors minutes before death, quoted in ''msnbc.com'' (2011 October 21) [http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/44986347/ns/today-today_news/t/battle-over-body-delays-gadhafis-burial/ "Even stashed in a meat locker, Gadhafi divides Libya"] * Let the free people of the world know that we could have bargained over and sold out our cause in return for a personal secure and stable life. We received many offers to this effect but we chose to be at the vanguard of the confrontation as a badge of duty and honour. ** Last will and testament ===Speeches=== * Your armed forces have toppled the reactionary, backward and corrupt regime. With one strike your heroic army has toppled idols and destroyed them in one of Providence's fateful moments. As of now Libya shall be free and sovereign, a [[republic]] under the name of the [[w:Libyan Arab Republic|Libyan Arab Republic]]. No oppressed or deceived or wronged, no master and no slave; but free brothers in a society over which, God willing, shall flutter the banner of brotherhood and equality. And thus shall we build glory, revive heritage and avenge a wounded dignity. Sons of the [[w:Bedouin|Bedouins]], sons of the [[w:Sahara Desert|desert]], sons of the ancient cities, sons of the [[Country life|countryside]], sons of the [[Village|villages]], the hour of work has struck and so let us forge ahead. ** Radio broadcast from Benghazi (1 September 1969), quoted in ''The Libyan Revolution: Its Origins and Legacy'' (2009) by Nicholas Hagger * Irrespective of the conflict with America, it is a human duty to show sympathy with the American people and be with them at these horrifying and awesome events which are bound to awaken human conscience. When I was five, my brother was shot by an Israeli soldier, since then I have been dedicated to uniting the Arab countries throughout the Middle East and retain a trade flow with the west. **Reaction to the [[w:September 11, 2001 attacks|September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks]], quoted in ''CBSNews.com'' (12 September 2001) "Global Outrage At Terror Attacks" *''La donna deve essere addestrata a combattere dentro le case, a preparare una cintura esplosiva e a farsi saltare in aria insieme coi soldati nemici. Chiunque abbia una macchina deve prepararla e sapere come si fa a sistemare l'esplosivo e a trasformarla in un'autobomba. Dobbiamo addestrare le donne a disporre esplosivi nelle macchine e a farle scoppiare in mezzo ai nemici, a far esplodere le case per farle crollare sui soldati nemici. Bisogna preparare trappole. Avete visto come il nemico controlla i bagagli: bisogna manipolare queste valige per farle esplodere quando loro le aprono. Si deve insegnare alle donne a minare gli armadi, le borse, le scarpe, i giocattoli dei bambini, in modo che scoppino sui soldati nemici.'' *[[Women]] must be trained to fight in houses, prepare explosive belts and blow themselves up alongside enemy soldiers. Anyone with a car must prepare it and know how to install explosives and turn it into a [[w:Car-bomb|car-bomb]]. We must train women to place explosives in cars and blow them up in the midst of enemies, and blow up houses so that they can collapse on enemy soldiers. Traps must be prepared. You have seen how the enemy checks baggage: we must fix these suitcases in order for them to explode when they open them. Women must be taught to place mines in cupboards, bags, shoes, children's toys so that they explode on enemy soldiers. ** Speech to the women of Sabha, October 4 2003; cited in [http://www.ilfoglio.it/zakor/82 ilfoglio.it] * There is no state with a [[democracy]] except Libya on the whole planet. **Video lecture at Columbia University (23 March 2006), quoted in ''BBC News'' (23 March 2006) "Gaddafi gives lesson on democracy" *In the Middle East, the opposition is quite different than the opposition in advanced countries. In our countries, the opposition takes the form of [[Explosion|explosions]], [[Assassination|assassinations]], [[Death|killings]]. **Video lecture at Columbia University (23 March 2006), quoted in ''BBC News'' (23 March 2006) "Gaddafi gives lesson on democracy" * It was our hope that Libya with its revolution would become a model of [[freedom]], popular democracy and a state free from oppression and injustice. However Libya became another conventional state, even a dictatorial or [[police state]]. This is deeply regrettable. We are not like that, nor do we want to be like that. ** Speech to heads of justice of the Jamahiriya (20 May 2009) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rM64DYglBk] * We have 50 million [[Muslim|Muslims]] in Europe. There are signs that Allah will grant [[Islam]] victory in Europe—without swords, without guns, without conquest—will turn it into a Muslim continent within a few decades. **Speech (10 April 2006), quoted in ''New York Sun'' (6 September 2009) "Terrorists Promise More Attacks Like 9/11" by Steven Stalinsky * There are serious mistakes, among them the one saying that Jesus came as a messenger for other people other than the sons of Israel.… [[Christianity]] is not a [[faith]] for people in Africa, Asia, Europe and the [[Americas]]. Other people who are not sons of Israel have nothing to do with that religion.… It is a mistake that another religion exists alongside Islam. There is only one religion which is Islam after [[Muhammad|Mohammed]].… All those believers who do not follow Islam are losers. **Sermon to a prayer meeting in Niger (30 March 2007), quoted in Reuters UK (30 March 2007) "Gaddafi says only Islam a universal religion" by Salah Sarrar * Today there is a divide that we must acknowledge, and we must know who is deepening it. Perhaps it is [[colonialism]]—the enemy of Islam, the enemy of the Arabs, the enemy of the [[Iran|Persians]]—that is deepening it.… They have divided Islam into two Islams, and there came to be [[w:Shia Islam|Shi'ite Islam]] and [[w:Sunni Islam|Sunni Islam]]. This is a ''bid'a'' [heresy]… When did [[Muhammad]] say: "I have brought you Shi'ite Islam and Sunni Islam?"… they have now begun to group the Arabs against Iran and Iran against the Arabs, and then Shi'ites against Sunnis and Sunnis against Shi'ites.… Are we Muslims, or are we Shi'ites and Sunnis?! For whose benefit is this? It is for the benefit of the "other" that we are speaking about, for the benefit of the enemy, for the benefit of colonialism. **Speeches (March 2007) quoted in MEMRI Special Dispatch Series No. 1535 (6 April 2007) "[http://memri.org/bin/latestnews.cgi?ID=SD153507 In Overture to Iran, Qaddafi Declares North Africa Shi'ite and Calls for Establishment of New Fatimid State]" *Whenever I ask about [[w:Pepsi|Pepsi-Cola]] or [[w:Coca-Cola|Coca-Cola]], people immediately say it is an American or European drink. This is not true. The [[w:Kola nut|kola]] is African. They have taken the cheap raw material from us. They produced it, they made it into a drink, and they sell it to us for a high price. Why are Pepsi-Cola and Coca-Cola expensive? Because they have taken our kola, produced it, and sold it back to us. We should produce it ourselves and sell it to them. **[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JDct2pJeZM Speech in Conakry, Guinea] (25 June 2007) *We created the first Fatimid Caliphate, and we will create the second. **https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSSP247642/( August 2007) *Cairo can’t escapes its Fatimid destiny, Cairo is Cairo of Al-Muizz. **https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSSP247642/( August 2007) *What is Al-Azhar, it’s Masjid Al-Fatima Al-Zahra. **https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSSP247642/( August 2007) * The statements of our Kenyan brother of American nationality, Obama, on [[Jerusalem]] … show that he either ignores [[International relations|international politics]] and did not study the Middle East conflict or that it [Barack Obama's expression of solidarity with Israel] is a campaign lie. We fear that Obama will feel that, because he is black with an [[w:Inferiority complex|inferiority complex]], this will make him behave worse than the [[White people|whites]]. This will be a tragedy. We tell him to be proud of himself as a black and feel that all Africa is behind him. **Speech on the 38th anniversary of the closure of Wheelus Air Force, quoted in ''BBC News'' (12 June 2008) "[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7450000.stm Gaddafi attacks Obama on Israel]" * I am not going to leave this land. I will die as a martyr at the end. I shall remain, defiant. Muammar is Leader of the Revolution until the end of time. **Televised address to the nation, quoted in ''guardian.co.uk'' (22 February 2011) "[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/feb/22/muammar-gaddafi-urges-violent-showdown?INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487 Gaddafi urges violent showdown and tells Libya 'I'll die a martyr']" by Ian Black * I am a Bedouin warrior who brought glory to Libya and will die a [[Martyrdom|martyr]]. **Televised address to the nation * The integrity of [[China]] was more important than [the people] in [[1989 Tiananmen Square protests|Tiananmen Square]]. **Televised address to the nation, quoted in ''guardian.co.uk'' (22 February 2011) "[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/feb/22/muammar-gaddafi-urges-violent-showdown?INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487 Gaddafi urges violent showdown and tells Libya 'I'll die a martyr']" by Ian Black * I salute you, Youth of Conquest, Youth of Nationalism, Youth of the Fatimids. ** https://www.aljazeera.com/amp/news/2011/2/23/defiant-gaddafi-vows-to-fight-on ( February 2011) * Those rats … were attacked by the masses tonight and we eliminated them. ** Radio address on rebel forces in Tripoli, as quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/libya/8713761/Libya-conflict-Col-Gaddafi-faces-rebel-uprising-on-streets-of-Tripoli.html "Libya conflict: Col Gaddafi faces rebel uprising on streets of Tripoli" in ''The Telegraph'' (21 August 2011)] * We will fight in every valley, in every street, in every oasis, and every town. We won't surrender again; we are not women; we will keep fighting. ** Audio message broadcast on the pro-Gaddafi Syrian Al Rai TV on 1 September 2011, [http://blogs.aljazeera.net/liveblog/libya quoted on Al Jazeera live blog][http://english.aljazeera.net/news/africa/2011/09/201191141151339449.html]. [[File:Nasser receiving Gaddafi.jpg|thumb|right|220px|The times of Arab nationalism and unity are gone forever. These ideas which mobilized the masses are only a worthless currency.]] *I call on the Libyan people, men and women, to go out into the squares and the streets in all the cities in their millions. … Go peacefully... be courageous, rise up, go to the streets, raise our green flags to the skies. … Don't be afraid of anyone. You are the people. You have right on your side. You are the rightful people of this land. **Audio message broadcast on the pro-Gaddafi Syrian Al Rai TV on 20 September 2011, as quoted in [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-15206478 Libya conflict: Muammar Gaddafi urges mass protests], BBC World News, 6 October 2011 ===''The Green Book'' (1975)=== *The most tyrannical dictatorships the world has known have existed under the aegis of [[Parliamentary system|parliaments]]. **''The Green Book'' (1975) *The era of the masses, which follows the age of the republics, excites the feelings and dazzles the eyes. But even though the vision of this era denotes genuine freedom of the masses and their happy [[emancipation]] from the bonds of external [[Authoritarianism|authoritarian]] structures, it warns also of the dangers of a period of chaos and [[Demagogue|demagoguery]], and the threat of a return to the authority of the individual, the sect and party, instead of the authority of the people. Theoretically, this is genuine democracy but, realistically, the strong always rules. That is, the stronger party in the society is the one that rules. **''The Green Book'' (1975) * Man’s freedom is lacking if somebody else controls what he needs, for need may result in man’s enslavement of man. **''The Green Book'' (1975) *Any class which becomes heir to a society, inherits, at the same time, its characteristics. That is to say that if the working class crushes all other classes, for instance, it becomes heir of the society, that is, it becomes the material and social base of the society. The heir bears the traits of the one he inherits from, though they may not be evident at once. As time passes, attributes of other eliminated classes emerge in the very ranks of the working class. And the possessors of those characteristics take the attitudes and points of view appropriate to their characteristics. '''Thus the working class turns out to be a separate society, showing the same contradictions as the old society.''' **''The Green Book'' (1975) *Popular congresses are the only means to achieve popular democracy. Any system of government other than popular congresses is undemocratic. **''The Green Book'' (1975) ==== Letter to Barack Obama ==== :<small>[http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/06/text-of-new-qaddafi-letter-to-obama/ Letter send To Barack Obama (6 April 2011)]</small> * We have been hurt more morally that physically because of what had happened against us in both deeds and words by you. Despite all this you will always remain our son whatever happened. We still pray that you continue to be [[President of the United States|president of the U.S.A]]. We Endeavour and hope that you will gain victory in the new election campaigne. You are a man who has enough courage to annul a wrong and mistaken action. I am sure that you are able to shoulder the responsibility for that. Enough evidence is available, Bearing in mind that you are the president of the strongest power in the world nowadays, and since [[NATO|Nato]] is waging an unjust war against a small people of a developing country. This country had already been subjected to embargo and sanctions, furthermore it also suffered a direct military armed aggression during Reagan’s time. This country is Libya. Hence, to serving world peace … Friendship between our peoples … and for the sake of economic, and security cooperation against terror, you are in a position to keep Nato off the Libyan affair for good. * As you know too well democracy and building of civil society cannot be achieved by means of missiles and aircraft, or by backing armed member of AlQuaeda in Benghazi. * You — yourself — said on many occasions, one of them in the UN General Assembly, I was witness to that personally, that America is not responsible for the security of other peoples. That America helps only. This is the right logic. * Our dear son, Excellency, Baraka Hussein Abu oumama, your intervention is the name of the U.S.A. is a must, so that Nato would withdraw finally from the Libyan affair. Libya should be left to Libyans within the African union frame. The problem now stands as follows:- * 1. There is Nato intervention politically as well as military. * 2. Terror conducted by AlQaueda gangs that have been armed in some cities, and by force refused to allow people to go back to their normal life, and carry on with exercising their social people’s power as usual. ===Interviews=== [[File:Protest In Dublin Gaddafi Is A Murderer.jpg|thumb|When everyone is part of the people’s congress, what need is there for an opposition? Opposition to what? You oppose a government! If there is no government, and the people govern themselves on their own, what are they going to oppose? ]] * Why should we be closer to the Soviets? Because the Americans have challenged us. America is involved in a conspiracy [against the Arab world], primarily because of its policy toward Israel. In our view, whoever is against the Americans stands with us. The enemy of your enemy is your friend. ** ''Time'' (9 April 1979) "[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,920211-1,00.html World: An Interview with Gaddafi]" * Israel is a colonialist-imperialist phenomenon. There is no such thing as an Israeli people. Before 1948, world geography knew of no state such as Israel. Israel is the result of an [[w:Invasion|invasion]], of [[aggression]]. ** ''Time'' (9 April 1979) "[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,920211-1,00.html World: An Interview with Gaddafi]" * Did Libya invade Italy or was it Italy that invaded Libya? You attack us now as you did then. In other ways, with other systems, by supporting Israel, opposing Arab unity and our revolutions, frowning on Islam and calling us fanatics. We’ve been too patient with you. We’ve put up with your provocation for too long. If we hadn’t been so wise, we would have gone to war with you a thousand times. We didn’t because we think the use of force is a last resort for survival and because we have always been on the side of civilisation. After all, during the [[Middle Ages]] we civilised you. You were poor barbarians, primitive, savage creatures. **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * The [[science]] you enjoy now is the science we taught you. The [[medicine]] you treat yourselves with is the medicine we gave you. It’s the same with the [[astronomy]] you know, the [[mathematics]], the [[literature]], the [[art]]... **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * I think these Western phenomena derive from [[Capitalism|capitalist]] society. They’re movements denoting rejection of a society that has to be torn down. Whether they are called the [[w:Red Brigades|Red Brigades]] or the [[Hippie|hippies]] or [[the Beatles]] or the [[w:Children of God|Children of God]]. And even though I’m against [[w:Kidnap|kidnappings]] and [[w:Hijackings|hijackings]], I don’t want to interfere with what they’re doing. **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * We are not responsible for what might be done with the weapons we give to the Palestinians. We give them to the Palestinians because we believe in their cause and we believe we have a duty to help them. What happens afterwards is none of my business. If I am to be found guilty by proxy, I prefer charges that are direct. But there is no proof. **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * [[Revolution]] is when the masses make the revolution. A people’s revolution. But even when the revolution is made by others in the name of the masses, expressing what the masses want, it can be revolution. A people’s revolution because it has the support of the masses and interprets the will of the masses. **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * I staged a coup d’état and the workers staged the revolution, occupying the factories, becoming partners instead of employees, eliminating the [[w:Kingdom of Libya|monarchic administration]] and setting up people’s committees. In short, they liberated themselves. Students did the same. Today in Libya, only the people count. **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * Hitler and Mussolini exploited the support of the masses to rule the people. We revolutionaries enjoy the support of the masses to help the people become capable of ruling themselves on their own. I myself am constantly appealing to the masses to govern on their own. I say to my people: ‘If you love me, listen to me. And govern yourselves on your own’. That’s why they love me because, unlike Hitler, who said ‘I’ll do it all for you’, I say ‘Do it on your own. **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * When everyone is part of the people’s congress, what need is there for an opposition? Opposition to what? You oppose a government! If there is no government, and the people govern themselves on their own, what are they going to oppose? Something that isn’t there? **Interview with [[Oriana Fallaci]] (2 December 1979), ''Corriere della Sera'' * We believe America is practicing all kinds of terrorism against Libya. Even the accusation that we are involved in terrorism is in itself an act of terrorism. **''Time'' (8 June 1981) "[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,922551-2,00.html An Interview with Gaddafi]" * I have nothing but scorn for the notion of an Islamic bomb. There is no such thing as an Islamic bomb or a Christian bomb. Any such weapon is a means of terrorizing humanity, and we are against the manufacture and acquisition of nuclear weapons. This is in line with our definition of—and opposition to—terrorism. **''Time'' (8 June 1981) "[http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,922551-2,00.html An Interview with Gaddafi]" * Africa is closer to me in every way than Iraq or Syria. **Interview (2001), quoted in ''BBC News'' (6 February 2001) "Analysis: Gaddafi's revolution" by Gerald Butt * Libya is an African country. May Allah help the Arabs and keep them away from us. We don't want anything to do with them. They did not fight with us against the Italians, and they did not fight with us against the Americans. They did not lift the sanctions and siege from us. On the contrary, they gloated at us, and benefited from our hardship…. **Interview with Al Jazeera (27 March 2007) * I won't be a party to a [[conspiracy]] to mobilize the Arabs against the Persians. Only the forces of colonialism benefit from such a conspiracy. I won't be a party to a conspiracy that splits Islam into two - Shiite Islam and Sunni Islam – mobilizing Sunni Islam against Shiite Islam. **Interview with Al Jazeera (27 March 2007) * I am defending the Jews to prevent them from becoming extinct, because they are doomed to become extinct if they continue this way.… I am convinced that the solution is to establish a democratic state for the Jews and the Palestinians, a state that will be called Palestine, Isratine, or whatever they want. This is the fundamental solution, or else the Jews will be annihilated in the future, because the Palestinians have [strategic] depth. **Interview with Al Jazeera (27 March 2007) *I am not the leader of Libya, I am the leader of the Revolution, the revolution is part of the past and took place in 1969, Consequently. There's no need to talk about one will replace me. I do not have any power to delegate to my successor. The power lies with the people. **Talk to Al-Jazeera (September 2009) ''Al-Jazeera'' * '''Interviewer''': When I was in Tripoli, a slogan caught me, "Wherever you go, Happiness rains..." Do you think 40 years after the revolution, Libyan people are happy?<br/>'''Gaddafi''': First of all, I have not seen those slogans and I am not responsible for them. Unlike you, I cannot freely taking time to read slogans if I am in the street, it's in the middle of convoy, so I have no knowledge of these slogans. But if that's the case the people who thought up that slogans acted with good intentions, they think well of this government and that glads me. I've done my best to make my people happy and free. **Interview with Euronews (2009) ''Euronews'' * I think it is peaceful and civil ... civilian activity for investigation of space, or something like this. **About a program to develop a rocket. In [[HyperNormalization]].[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh2cDKyFdyU&t=59m54s] *'''Interviewer''': How about al Qaeda?<br/>'''Gaddafi''': Where is al Qaeda? Al Qaeda's in Europe. Al Qaeda is here in New York. **Interview with CNN (2009)<ref>https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/lkl/date/2009-09-28/segment/01</ref> ''CNN'' *'''Interviewer''':In an interview with ABC six years ago, you said the United States has made Osama bin Laden a prophet and a saint in the Islamic world. Is he still held that way, do you think?<br/>'''Gaddafi''': We should not have given him this value or this status. Who is he, bin Laden?<br/>'''Interviewer''': He committed a heinous act.<br/>'''Gaddafi''': Bin Laden made this heinous act.<br/>'''Interviewer''':You don't think what Osama bin Laden did was wrong?<br/>'''Gaddafi''':Was he on board one of the aircraft that hit the tower?<br/>''''Interviewer''':No, but he took credit for sending them.<br/>'''Gaddafi''':This is another thing. I don't think that in front of us we have a court sentence vis-a-vis bin Laden or this or that. **Interview with CNN (2009)<ref>https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/lkl/date/2009-09-28/segment/01</ref> ''CNN'' * America interferes in the internal affairs, uses threats of military force, interferes in elections and the type of government. In Africa, America preaches what it does not practice in its own affairs inside the US. ** [http://english.algaddafi.org/the-address-of-brother-leader-to-the-students-and-faculty-of-meiji-university-japan.html The Address of Brother Leader to the Students and Faculty of Meiji University, Japan] (15 December 2009) ==Al Jazeera's mobile phone wiretaps== * I want provocation. People should take to the streets. Smash those dogs, and tell them: "you traitors will bring us the British." ** Statement (8 March 2011), as quoted in [http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/spotlight/libyaontheline/2012/05/201251173614897923.html "Libya on the Line: An interactive timeline Browse through a collection of conversations between Gaddafi, Saif al-Islam and other senior Libyan officials" at ''Aljazeera'' (11 May 2012)] *What's wrong with the [[Spain|Spanish]]? Tell them they do not appreciate their own interests. Tell them we will recognize the [[w:Basque people|Basques]]. Threaten them with this, and recognize [[w:Andalusia|Andalusia]]. ** Statement (5 April 2011), as quoted in "Libya on the Line: An interactive timeline Browse through a collection of conversations between Gaddafi, Saif al-Islam and other senior Libyan officials" at ''Aljazeera'' (11 May 2012) *Oil is like [[drugs]]. Find the commodity smugglers. Many are adventurous; they will buy from you at a discount and they don't care about embargoes. ** Statement (11 April 2011) as quoted in [http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/spotlight/libyaontheline/2012/05/201256134918771317.html "Gaddafi clung to a fading reality" at ''Aljazeera'' (21 May 2012)] ** ''“I am an international leader, the dean of the Arab rulers, the king of kings of Africa and the imam of Muslims, and my international status does not allow me to descend to a lower level.”[https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2011/10/20/gaddafi-as-orator-a-life-in-quotes]'' ** ''There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet.”[https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2011/10/20/gaddafi-as-orator-a-life-in-quotes]'' == Quotes about Gaddafi== [[File:Mouammar-kadhafi3.jpg|thumb|The way he was martyred on behest of imperialist forces indicates that he was anti-imperialist, brave, courageous and a great revolutionary. [[w:Ghinwa Bhutto|Ghinwa Bhutto]] ]] * I take this opportunity to reiterate my thanks and my appreciation to my dear Brother Leader Muammar Gaddafi, Leader of the Libyan revolution, for his honourable initiative that our people have received with great satisfaction and of facilitating the movement and activities of Tunisian Libya sister and treat them just like the Libyans. This confirms a sincere brotherhood and the strong support we have always received from him and to the brotherly Libyan people. ** [[Zine El Abidine Ben Ali]], January 2011.[https://al-bab.com/albab-orig/albab/arab/docs/tunisia/ben_ali_speech_10012011.htm] * Love him or not, we must recognize that this is one of the greatest African leaders who influenced several generations, including mine, and found in the constancy and courage of his positions what we research in a hero. In a word: pride. ** [[w:Manny Ansar|Manny Ansar]], director of a popular annual music festival, Mali, [http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/world/africa/many-in-sub-saharan-africa-mourn-qaddafis-death.html?_r=1 interview (22 October 2011)] * A man who I have always admired. ** [[w:Mame Biram Diouf|Mame Biram Diouf]] [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1378335/Rangers-El-Hadji-Diouf-admits-admires-friend-Colonel-Gaddafi.html] * The way he was martyred on behest of imperialist forces indicates that he was anti-imperialist, brave, courageous and a great revolutionary. ** [[w:Ghinwa Bhutto|Ghinwa Bhutto]] [http://www.thenews.com.pk/TodaysPrintDetail.aspx?ID=73779&Cat=4], (22 October 2011) * Gaddafi was a great leader, a true revolutionary who should not be confused with the new Libyan leadership swept into power by NATO's bayonets and by oil multinationals. ** [[w:Mario Borghezio|Mario Borghezio]] [http://news.monstersandcritics.com/europe/news/article_1670111.php/Rogue-EU-deputy-pays-tribute-to-Gaddafi-s-glorious-end], (20 October 2011) * Liberator of Libya, He will be remembered as a great fighter, a revolutionary and martyr. ** [[Hugo Chavez]], President of Venezuela, [http://www.globalpost.com/dispatches/news/regions/americas/venezuela/chavez-speaks-out-gaddafi-death (20 October 2011)] * We came, we saw, he died. ** United States Secretary of State, [[Hillary Rodham Clinton]] remarks shortly after learning about his death, in [http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20123348-503544/clinton-on-qaddafi-we-came-we-saw-he-died/ ''CBS News'' interview (20 October 2011).] Also quoted in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2051826/We-came-saw-died-What-Hillary-Clinton-told-news-reporter-moments-hearing-Gaddafis-death.html '' The Daily Mail''] * He's stupid. He's ''clinically'' stupid... He's the most stupid of all. **[[Oriana Fallaci]] (May 5, 2003), ''Charlie Rose'' * Libya is really keen to learn from us... Gaddafi has so many questions. He's particularly anxious to know how we manage our economy, warded off our currency attackers and live harmoniously in a society such as ours. He's a different person now compared to what he was before he's more open, more receptive to ideas on developing his country. He is beginning to understand and accept that peace and harmony are necessary for national development. **[[Mahathir Mohamad]], [http://lib.perdana.org.my/PLF/Digital_Content/Prominent_Leaders/Mahathir/News_1968-2004/2001-2005/2002/00020627.pdf] (2 April 2002) * He is intelligent and effectively capable of anything. But I think he has gone too far in this crisis and it is going to be very difficult for him to remain in power. **[[w:Claude Moniquet|Claude Moniquet]],[http://www.euronews.com/2011/03/18/gaddafi-is-smart-but-his-days-are-numbered-says-moniquet] (March 3, 2011) * I know something of the good of Moammar Gadhafi that made me to love him as a brother and to feel a great sense of loss at his assassination, He died in honor, fighting for the Libya that he believed in. **[[Louis Farrakhan]], [http://www.theblaze.com/stories/farrakhan-condemns-killing-of-brother-gadhafi-assassination] (26 October 2011) * The man was a freedom fighter. **[[w:Charles Barron|Charles Barron]] [http://www.politicker.com/2011/11/08/brooklyn-mourns-muammar-qaddafi/] * The actual evidence … is that Qaddafi senior has reached his [[Nicolae Ceauşescu|Ceausescu]] moment: a full-dress (in the literal sense) meltdown into [[paranoia]], megalomania, and [[delusion]]. His recent speeches and appearances have shown him stinking with madness and hysteria. His age and condition, at any rate, set a very sharp limit to the duration of his regime. If that regime implodes while he is still "in place," then all the grim consequences foreseen by the realists will be incurred in any case. Weapons will get into the wrong hands; divide-and-rule tactics (already a stock in trade) will intensify; religious and tribal passions will be deliberately inflamed. The main difference will be that we merely watched this happen **[[Christopher Hitchens]], in "Don't Let Qaddafi Win: Ignore the "realists." If we do nothing, the situation in Libya can only get worse", in ''Slate'' (14 March 2011)] * ''Arrivare a mettere in ginocchio un intero popolo, fargli avallare dei concetti stravaganti e irrazionali, mantenerlo nell'ignoranza e nella povertà: ecco ciò che è riuscito a fare quest'uomo, che ha resistito per 42 anni senza mai esitare di soffocare ogni tentativo di opposizione. Niente giornalisti, niente testimoni, lui non è raggiungibile, è il maestro assoluto e arrogante. Spesso sono stati ricordati i suoi problemi psichologici, ma non occorre una tecnica di analisi sofisticata per coglierli. Basta guardarlo: il suo narcisismo è patologico, il suo egocentrismo è patetico, la sua arroganza è terrificante.'' * Succeeding in forcing an entire people on its knees, making it endorse extravagant and irrational concepts, keeping it in [[ignorance]] and [[poverty]]: this is what this man, who has survived 42 years without ever hesitating to suffocate any attempt at opposition, has achieved. No [[Journalism|journalists]], no witnesses, he is unapproachable, the arrogant, absolute master. Often, his psychological problems are brought up, but a sophisticated analysis is not needed to pin them down. One need only look at him: his [[narcissism]] is pathological, his egocentrism pathetic, and his arrogance terrifying. ** [[w:Tahar Ben Jelloun|Tahar Ben Jelloun]], in ''L'Espresso'' (3 March 2011) * He died as a hero, [[Allah]] will bless him, oil diggers will be punished. ** [[w:Sheikh Amir Mutyaba|Sheikh Amir Mutyaba]], Uganda's former ambassador to Libya, [http://www.thelondoneveningpost.com/africa/how-gaddafi-helped-bring-an-end-to-the-humiliation-of-apartheid/ in interview (22 October 2011)] * This man did more than all the revolutionaries. ** [[w:Carlos the Jackal|Carlos the Jackal]] [http://digitaljournal.com/article/316196#ixzz1toQBxxeS (8 November 2011)] * Aggression has been committed, and the country's leadership, not only [[Muammar Gaddafi]], has been killed. '''And how was he killed? Well, if they had shot him in a battle, it's one thing, but they humiliated and tormented him, they shot at him, they violated him when he was wounded, they twisted his neck and arms, and then they tortured him to death. It's worse than the [[Nazi|Nazis]] once did.''' Besides, the United States, Italy, France and Germany have up to $150 billion of Libyan money now. They are very interested to grab this wealth. Everything will be even worse in Libya, because it has colossal deposits of resources, and everyone has rushed there to grab those riches. ** [[Alexander Lukashenko]], ''[http://wireupdate.com/libya-belarusian-president-lukashenko-says-nato-did-worse-than-the-nazis.html Reaction upon the death of Muammar Gaddafi]'', (3 November 2011) * [[Nicolae Ceauşescu|Ceauşescu]] has been fascinated by Gadhafi ever since the latter seized power in Libya in 1969 at the age of 27. Ceauşescu's interest stemmed in part from the fact that he himself had been considered youthful when he came to power in 1965, at the age of 27... Their most important similarity, however, is in their dreams. Gadhafi has gigantic plans to build up Libya as an international power and himself as the undisputed world leader of Islam. Ceauşescu wants to place his country at the center of world politics, to make himself an international figure, and to become the leader of the Third World. ** [[w:Ion Mihai Pacepa|Ion Mihai Pacepa]], ''Red Horizons: Chronicles of a Communist Spy Chief'' (1987) p. 98 * Look, I can't take that Mister Gaddafi seriously at all. I can only wish him well in serving his country as I am serving mine, and can only remind him that he shouldn't squeal so loudly. **[[Muhammad Reza Pahlavi]] (October 1973), as quoted in [[Oriana Fallaci]]'s ''Intervista con la Storia'' (sixth edition, 2011) p. 563 *'''The attack on [[Iraq War|Iraq]], the attack on [[Libya]], the attack on [[Syria]] happened because the leader in each of these countries was not a puppet of the West. The human rights record of a [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]] or a [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]] was irrelevant. They did not obey orders and surrender control of their country...'''. As [[WikiLeaks|WikLeaks]] has revealed, it was only when the Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad in 2009 rejected an oil pipeline, running through his country from Qatar to Europe, that he was attacked.... From that moment, the CIA planned to destroy the government of Syria with jihadist fanatics – the same fanatics currently holding the people of Mosul and eastern Aleppo hostage. Why is this not news? The former British Foreign Office official [[w:Carne Ross|Carne Ross]], who was responsible for operating sanctions against Iraq, told me: “We would feed journalists factoids of sanitised intelligence, or we would freeze them out. That is how it worked.” **[[John Pilger]], [http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article45752.htm Inside the Invisible Government: War, Propaganda, Clinton & Trump], ''Information Clearing House'', October 28, 2016 * For most Africans, [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]] is a generous man, a [[Humanism|humanist]], known for his unselfish support for the struggle against the [[Apartheid|racist regime]] in [[South Africa]]. If he had been an egotist, he wouldn’t have risked the wrath of the West to help the [[African National Congress|ANC]] both militarily and financially in the fight against [[apartheid]]. This was why [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]], soon after his release from 27 years in jail, decided to break the [[w:sanctions against Libya|UN embargo]] and travel to Libya on 23 October 1997. Mandela didn’t mince his words when the former US president [[Bill Clinton]] said the visit was an ‘unwelcome’ one – ‘No country can claim to be the policeman of the world and no state can dictate to another what it should do’. He added – ‘Those that yesterday were friends of our enemies have the gall today to tell me not to visit my brother Gaddafi, they are advising us to be ungrateful and forget our friends of the past. **[[w:Jean-Paul Pougala|Jean-Paul Pougala]], writer of ''[[w:London Evening Post|London Evening Post]]'', [http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/world/africa/many-in-sub-saharan-africa-mourn-qaddafis-death.html?_r=1 quoted in ''The New York Times'' (18 April 2011)] * We know that this mad dog of the Middle East has a goal of a [[w:World revolution|world revolution]], [[Islamic fundamentalism|Muslim fundamentalist]] revolution, which is targeted on many of his own Arab compatriots. And where we figure in that, I don't know. Maybe we're just the enemy because—it's a little like climbing [[Mount Everest]]—because we're here. But there's no question but that he has singled us out more and more for attack, and we're aware of that. As I say, we're gathering evidence as fast as we can. **[[Ronald Reagan]], in a [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=37105 press conference (9 April 1986)] * The way things turned out in Misrata was not what Khadafy had hoped for. Right to the very bitter end, he remained a prisoner of his illusions. For four decades, he had heard people, men and women, shouting themselves hoarse with promises of dying for him. For four decades, he had distributed vast sums of money, generated by Libya’s huge oil exports, among a few hundred thousand “Fedaees” or “self-sacrificers,” individuals who were supposed to fight for him to the end. When high on hubris and the “stimulant” drugs he took, the colonel claimed to have “an army of [[Wikipedia:Omar Mukhtar|Omar Mukhtar]]s” under his command, named after a bandit who became a local hero by fighting Italian colonialists in 1912. Yet the first city to rise against Khadafy was Tobruk — Omar Mukhtar’s birthplace. Then Benghazi rose, followed by Braiga. As each town and city rose against him, the colonel promised to fight back from another. His last stands were in Bani-Walid and Sirte. Tens of thousands of Omar Mukhtars did enter the battlefield. But they were fighting not for but ''against'' him. ** [[Amir Taheri]], [http://nypost.com/2011/10/21/khadafy-kha-put/ "Khadafy, kha-put"], ''New York Post'' (October 21, 2011) * It is uncertain … whether Muammar Gaddafi has studied the fate of [[Richard III (play)|the man]] who died on [[w:Battle of Bosworth Field|Bosworth Field]]. But if he died, he might find it instructive. Like [[Richard III of England|Richard]], Gaddafi came to power in a palace coup, when he and a group of young officers - the Tripoli equivalents of the [[w:Henry Stafford, 2nd Duke of Buckingham|Duke of Buckingham]] et al - overthrew the popular but ailing [[w:King Idris of Libya|Idris]], Libya's first and only king, in 1969. With a ruthlessness that might have impressed the Duke of Gloucester, Gaddafi had Idris tried in absentia while disinheriting all of his heirs... Just as Richard was challenged by a coalition of the willing assembled around the [[w:House of Lancaster|Lancastrian]] [[Henry VIII of England|Earl of Richmond]], so have Libyan rebels seeking Gaddafi's overthrow declared their allegiance to the memory of the old king and used his tricolour standard as their symbol of [[Resistance movement|resistance]]. Gaddafi's well-documented use of assassins, sent abroad to hunt down and murder his enemies during the 1970s and 1980s, and his complicity in the 1988 [[w:1988 Lockerbie bombing|destruction of Pan Am flight 103]], provides a clear echo of Richard's monstrous methodology in commading the killings of the young princes and numerous perceived rivals. Gaddafi's resort to 'human shields'... to protect himself from Nato bombs is no less lethally duplicitous than Richard's treatment of Lady Anne. ** [[w:Simon Tisdall|Simon Tisdall]], as quoted in "Trail of Tyranny" in ''The Old Vic'' (Summer 2011){{fact}} *Muammar al-Qaddafi, the dictator of Libya, has experienced roller-coaster relations with the West and with the United States in particular. In 1986, U.S. president Ronald Reagan ordered U.S. fighters to drop 2,000-pound laser-guided bombs on Qaddafi's residence. Qaddafi survived the attack, but 100 other Libyans died that night. In a bizarre twist, supporters of Ronald Reagan would hail the attack as a high point of his presidency, a demonstration of how terrorists should be dealt with, and they would claim the West did not have to worry about Qaddafi after that. Unfortunately, the exact opposite was the truth. Qaddafi increased his support for terrorism, culminating in his involvement in the 1988 destruction of Pan Am flight 103 over [[w:Lockerbie, Scotland|Lockerbie]], [[Scotland]], which killed 270 people. In recent years, Qaddafi has made his peace with the West in exchange for access to his large oil reserves. However, it should not be forgotten that domestically Qaddafi still runs a brutal dictatorship in which he maintains complete control over all aspects of Libyan life: "Collective guilt" can lead to the punishment of entire families, tribes, and even towns, and [[freedom of speech]], [[Freedom of assembly|assembly]], and [[Freedom of religion|religion]] are harshly restricted. Libyans can even be arrested for "opposition." ** David Wallechinsky, ''Tyrants: The World's 20 Worst Living Dictators'' (2006), p. 2 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikinews|Muammar al-Gaddafi}} {{commons|Category:Muammar al-Gaddafi}} {{wikisource author}} *[http://edu-archive.org/protect.php?url=http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3336059.stm Colonel Gaddafi's Libya] (May 2006) *[http://edu-archive.org/protect.php?url=http://www.reuters.com/article/homepageCrisis/idUSL1228985._CH_.2400 ANALYSIS-Gaddafi's hand seen in Chad objections to UN force] (April 2007) ===Video clips=== *[http://edu-archive.org/protect.php?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNUqLztI4mQ&mode=related&search= Libyan Leader Muammar al-Gaddafi] *[http://edu-archive.org/protect.php?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQxFym7ounY Gaddafi Speech in Arabic (25 February 2011)] {{DEFAULTSORT:Gaddafi, Muammar}} [[Category:1942 births]] [[Category:2011 deaths]] [[Category:Arab nationalists]] [[Category:Arab socialists]] [[Category:Arabs]] [[Category:Heads of government]] [[Category:Heads of state]] [[Category:Islamists]] [[Category:Islamic socialists]] [[Category:Military leaders from Libya]] [[Category:Politicians from Libya]] [[Category:Murdered people]] [[Category:Philosophers]] [[Category:Revolutionaries]] [[Category:Socialists from Africa]] [[Category:Muslims from Libya]] <references /> [[Category:People of the Cold War]] 32dp138q4mhxqhawsyxtsrf3ewkybvv 0 26994 3944313 3764553 2026-05-23T00:36:33Z Kalki 71 update 3944313 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="23" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color:#CFE5FF;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122); font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:May 23|May 23]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2004 : I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal. ~ [[Bill Watterson]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : It seems that it is madder never to abandon one's self than often to be infatuated; better to be wounded, a captive and a slave, than always to walk in armor. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] (born 23 May 1810) :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : Cynicism isn't smarter, it's only safer. There's nothing fluffy about optimism. ~ [[Jewel (singer)|Jewel]] (born 23 May 1974) :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2007 : What I mean by the Muse is that unimpeded clearness of the intuitive powers, which a perfectly truthful adherence to every admonition of the higher instincts would bring to a finely organized human being. It may appear as prophecy or as poesy. … should these faculties have free play, I believe they will open new, deeper and purer sources of joyous inspiration than have as yet refreshed the earth. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2008 : Genius ''will'' live and thrive without training, but it does not the less reward the watering–pot and pruning–knife. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] (born May 23) :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:43, 29 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:55, 22 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : Let no one dare to call another mad who is not himself willing to rank in the same class for every perversion and fault of judgment. Let no one dare aid in punishing another as criminal who is not willing to suffer the penalty due to his own offenses. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] :* proposed by [[User: Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- Let no one dare to call another mad who is not himself willing to rank in the same class for every perversion and fault of judgment. Let no one dare aid in punishing another as criminal who is not willing to suffer the penalty due to his own offenses. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] (born May 23) * 2 because judgment on others calls for judgment on yourself. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 16:43, 29 April 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:55, 22 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2010 : Might the simple maxim, that honesty is the best policy be laid to heart! Might a sense of the true aims of life elevate the tone of politics and trade, till public and private honor become identical! ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:44, 30 April 2010 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 09:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 02:39, 23 May 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : Climbing the dusty hill, some fair effigies that once stood for symbols of human destiny have been broken; those I still have with me show defects in this broad light. Yet enough is left, even by experience, to point distinctly to the glories of that destiny; faint, but not to be mistaken streaks of the future day. I can say with the bard, <br> "Though many have suffered shipwreck, still beat noble hearts."<br> Always the soul says to us all, Cherish your best hopes as a faith, and abide by them in action. Such shall be the effectual fervent means to their fulfilment. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- Always the soul says to us all, Cherish your best hopes as a faith, and abide by them in action. Such shall be the effectual fervent means to their fulfilment. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 21:04, 15 May 2011 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:55, 22 May 2008 (UTC) </s> but I would now prefer to extend this to: :: Climbing the dusty hill, some fair effigies that once stood for symbols of human destiny have been broken; those I still have with me show defects in this broad light. Yet enough is left, even by experience, to point distinctly to the glories of that destiny; faint, but not to be mistaken streaks of the future day. I can say with the bard, <br> "Though many have suffered shipwreck, still beat noble hearts."<br> Always the soul says to us all, Cherish your best hopes as a faith, and abide by them in action. Such shall be the effectual fervent means to their fulfilment. ~ [[Margaret Fuller]] * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 01:07, 23 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = The better part of [[wisdom]] is a [[sublime]] [[prudence]], a [[Purity|pure]] and [[Patience|patient]] [[truth]] that will receive nothing it is not sure it can permanently lay to [[heart]]. | author = Margaret Fuller }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:07, 20 May 2012 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 09:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 02:39, 23 May 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = ''the [[greatest]] <br> [[Grace]] <br> we can aspire to <br> is the [[strength]] <br> to see the wounded <br> walk with the forgotten <br> and pull ourselves <br> from the screaming <br> [[blood]] of our [[Loss|losses]] <br> to fight on <br> undaunted <br> [[all]] the more'' | author = [[Jewel (singer)|Jewel]] }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "color:white;background:silver">?[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|?]][[User:Kalki/Magic|?]]?[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|?]]?[[User:Kalki/Chronology|?]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|?]]?</span> 00:14, 22 May 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = ''[[w:Mercury (mythology)|Mercury]] has cast aside <br> The [[signs]] of [[intellectual]] [[pride]],<br> [[Freely]] offers thee the [[soul]]: <br>Art thou [[noble]] to receive? <br> Canst thou give or take the [[whole]], <br> Nobly [[promise]] and [[believe]]?<br> Then thou wholly [[human]] art, <br> A spotless, radiant, ruby [[heart]], <br> And the golden chain of [[love]] <br> Has bound thee to [[Heaven|the realm above]].'' | author = Margaret Fuller }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 10:45, 22 May 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = [[Plants]] of [[great]] [[vigor]] will almost always struggle into [[blossom]], despite impediments. But there should be encouragement, and a [[free]] genial atmosphere for those of more timid sort, [[fair]] play for each in its own kind. | author = Margaret Fuller }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 22 May 2015 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:55, 22 May 2008 (UTC)</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 23:15, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 01:07, 23 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> We would have every arbitrary barrier thrown down. We would have every path laid open to [[Woman]] as freely as to [[Man]]. Were this done, and a slight temporary fermentation allowed to subside, we should see crystallizations more [[pure]] and of more various [[beauty]]. We [[believe]] the [[divine]] [[energy]] would pervade [[nature]] to a degree unknown in the [[history]] of former ages, and that no discordant collision, but a ravishing [[harmony]] of the spheres, would ensue. <br /> Yet, then and only then will [[mankind]] be ripe for this, when inward and outward [[freedom]] for Woman as much as for Man shall be [[acknowledged]] as a [[right]], not yielded as a concession. | author = Margaret Fuller }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:53, 22 May 2016 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 09:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 02:39, 23 May 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> To one who has [[enjoyed]] the full [[life]] of any scene, of any hour, what [[thoughts]] can be recorded about it, seem like the commas and semicolons in the paragraph, mere stops. | author = Margaret Fuller }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:42, 22 May 2017 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 09:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 02:39, 23 May 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->Every relation, every gradation of [[nature]] is incalculably precious, but only to the [[soul]] which is poised upon itself, and to whom no [[loss]], no [[change]], can bring dull [[discord]], for it is in [[harmony]] with the central soul. | author = Margaret Fuller }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:57, 22 May 2018 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:44, 30 April 2010 (UTC) <s>* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 09:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC) </s> but still with a lean toward 4.</s> * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 02:39, 23 May 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Only the [[dreamer]] shall [[understand]] [[realities]], though, in [[truth]], his dreaming must not be out of proportion to his [[waking]]! | author = Margaret Fuller }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:58, 22 May 2019 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 09:49, 22 May 2009 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 02:39, 23 May 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Act in such a way that your [[heart]] may be free from [[hatred]]. Let not your heart be offended with anyone. If someone commits an [[error]] and [[wrong]] toward you, you must instantly [[forgive]] him. Do not [[complain]] of others. Refrain from reprimanding them, and if you wish to give admonition or [[advice]], let it be offered in such a way that it will not burden the bearer. Turn all your [[thoughts]] toward bringing [[joy]] to hearts. Beware! Beware! Lest ye offend any heart. [[Assist]] the [[world]] of [[humanity]] as much as possible. Be the source of [[consolation]] to every [[sad]] one, assist every [[weak]] one, be helpful to every indigent one, care for every sick one, be the cause of [[glorification]] to every lowly one, and shelter those who are overshadowed by [[fear]]. | author = `Abdu'l-Bahá }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:30, 22 May 2020 (UTC) + tweak --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Dogmatic]] [[imitations]] of ancestral [[beliefs]] are passing. They have been the axis around which [[religion]] revolved but now are no longer fruitful; on the contrary, in this day they have become the cause of [[human]] degradation and hindrance. [[Bigotry]] and dogmatic adherence to ancient [[beliefs]] have become the central and fundamental source of [[animosity]] among men, the obstacle to human [[progress]], the cause of [[warfare]] and strife, the destroyer of [[peace]], composure and [[welfare]] in the [[world]]. | author = `Abdu'l-Bahá }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:34, 23 May 2021 (UTC) --> ; 2022 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> From every standpoint the [[world]] of humanity is undergoing a re-formation. The [[laws]] of former [[governments]] and [[civilizations]] are in process of revision, [[scientific]] [[ideas]] and [[theories]] are developing and advancing to meet a new range of [[phenomena]], [[invention]] and discovery are penetrating hitherto unknown fields revealing new [[wonders]] and hidden [[secrets]] of the material [[universe]]; industries have vastly wider scope and production; everywhere the world of mankind is in the throes of [[evolutionary]] activity indicating the passing of the old conditions and advent of the new age of re-formation. Old [[trees]] yield no fruitage; old ideas and methods are obsolete and worthless now. Old standards of [[ethics]], [[moral]] codes and [[methods]] of living in the [[past]] will not suffice for the [[present]] age of advancement and [[progress]]. | author = `Abdu'l-Bahá }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:03, 23 May 2022 (UTC) --> ; 2023 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I'd like to be [[remembered]] as someone who kept the [[comic]] [[novel]] going for another generation or so. I fear the comic novel is in retreat. A [[joke]] is by definition politically incorrect — it assumes a butt, and a certain [[superiority]] in the teller. The [[culture]] won't put up with that for much longer. | author = Martin Amis }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:52, 22 May 2023 (UTC) -->; in regard of his recent death. ; 2024 {{quote of the day | quote =  <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''Oh, [[Men]], with [[Sisters]] dear!<br>Oh, Men, with [[Mothers]] and [[Wives]]!<br>It is not linen you're wearing out,<br>But [[human]] creatures' lives!'' | author = Thomas Hood }} :* posted by [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]]<!-- ** 4 [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 07:51, 3 May 2024 (UTC) --> ; 2025 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''Who will [[Salvation|save]] your [[souls]]? <br /> After all those [[lies]] that you told, boy <br /> Now, who will save your souls? <br /> If you won't save your own?'' | author = [[Jewel (singer)|Jewel]] }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 22 May 2025 (UTC) --> ; 2026 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->''There are [[addictions]] to feed and there are mouths to [[pay]]<br /> So you bargain with the [[Devil]] but you're okay for today.'' | author = Jewel (singer) }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 22 May 2025 (UTC) --> ; 2027 : ''[[May 23|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> {{QOTD Ranking}} ---- ---- == Suggestions == After the deed is done, one always becomes clever and philosophical. ~ [[Hans Frank]] (born May 23) * 3 because one realizes after it is too late. Irony and moral go together, especially when learning too late. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:24, 18 April 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 29'' * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:55, 22 May 2008 (UTC) ---- Time always has some reconciling effect. On every ruin there eventually grows grass, and then some shrubbery, and finally, before you realize it, what is really an old hideous ruin becomes a romantic sight and legend. ~ [[Hans Frank]] (born May 23) * 4 because time mends and heals, and even in the worst case scenario, under the worst conditions, a positive outlook can be seen. And I am giving this a 4 for this year. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:21, 17 May 2008 (UTC) ** ''SOURCE: The Nuremberg Interviews by Leon Goldensohn, Robert Gellately - History - 2004 - Page 36'' * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:17, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:44, 30 April 2010 (UTC) <s>* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:55, 22 May 2008 (UTC)</s> * 2.5 [[User:Dibbydib|<span style="color:#0ea900">'''dibbydib'''</span>]]<sup>'''⌐■_■'''</sup> <span style="color:blue">([[User talk:Dibbydib|<span style="color:blue">barate me</span>]])</span> 03:23, 21 May 2020 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = [[Humanity]] has emerged from its former degrees of limitation and preliminary training. Man must now become imbued with new [[virtues]] and [[powers]], new [[moralities]], new capacities. New bounties, bestowals and perfections are awaiting and already descending upon him. | author = `Abdu'l-Bahá }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:03, 23 May 2022 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = ''Another day, another dollar, another war, another tower <br /> Went up where the homeless had their homes <br /> So we pray to as many different gods as there are flowers <br /> But we call religion our friend <br /> We're so worried about savin' our souls <br /> Afraid that God will take His toll that we forget to begin, but <br /> Who will save your souls? <br /> When it comes to the beggars now <br /> Who will save your souls? <br /> After those lies that you told, boy <br /> And who will save your souls? <br /> If you won't save your own?'' | author = [[Jewel (singer)|Jewel]] }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 22 May 2025 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = ''I'd sit on logs like pulpits <br> listen to the sermon <br> of sparrows <br> and find [[god]] in [[Simplicity]], <br> there amongst the dandelion <br> and thorn'' | author = [[Jewel (singer)|Jewel]] }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 22 May 2025 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = I've noticed a belief that somehow optimism lacks intelligence and that optimism stems from a lack of experience and naiveté. I don't believe that. I believe optimism is a choice. Cynicism isn't smarter, it's just safer. | author = [[Jewel (singer)|Jewel]] }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:54, 22 May 2025 (UTC) ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> 98atkikjbnwgpcczxyqta1zzpv5cpv0 0 29585 3944272 3933207 2026-05-22T20:40:25Z ~2026-30783-26 3327539 /* Dialogue */ 3944272 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Chicken Run}}''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] British [[w:Clay animation|clay animation]] film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], [[w:Aardman Animations|Aardman]] and [[w:Pathé|Pathé]] and distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], This is a story about a band of chickens who seek escape from their coop before their owners, mild-mannered egg farmer Mr. Tweedy and his overbearing wife, make them all into chicken pot pies. '''''[[Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget]]''''' was a sequel in [[w:2023 in film|2023]]. :''Directed and written by [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]] and [[w:Nick Park|Nick Park]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and John Powell.'' {{center|'''This Ain't No Chick Flick!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Model Stalag Luft III.jpg|thumb|"Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of ''us'' getting out of ''here'' are 1,000,000 to 1."<br />"Then there's still a chance."]] [[File:US-58-from-Corinth-Cemetery-va.jpg|thumb|"You hear that? That's the open road calling my name, and I was born to answer that call. Bye!"<br />"He must have very good hearing."]] [[File:RAF-Badge.svg|thumb|"You mean you never actually ''flew'' the plane?"<br />"Good heavens, no! I'm a ''chicken''! The '''R'''oyal '''A'''ir '''F'''orce doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!"]] [[File:Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Members' day 2018 MOD 45164718.jpg|thumb|"You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!"]] ==Dialogue== :''[Mr. Willard Tweedy walks with the dogs by a flashlight, then shakes a lock, then continues to walk with the dogs. A hen named Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence. But they make a loud noise once they come to the fence]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[loud whispering]'' Shush! :'''Babs''': ''[whimpers]'' :''[Bunty tries to get under the fence, but she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]'' :'''Bunty''': I'm stuck! :''[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence. But Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]'' :'''Ginger''': Get back! :''[They all pull her out of the fence, with Ginger pushing, and then lay down. Ginger runs away from the dog, followed by Mr. Tweedy. The dog continues running at Ginger, then another dog runs at her, chasing her by the door. The dogs walk up the stairs and then touch a gnome. The dogs walk up. Ginger grabs a garden gnome to fend them off. The dog bites the gnome's head off. Then suddenly the doors open. The dogs cower. Ginger spins around to find Melisha Tweedy, Mr. Tweedy's wife, her face icy and expressionless]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''':[her first words] Mr. Tweedy. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Eh? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': What is that chicken doing outside the fence? :'''Willard Tweedy''':[his first words] Oh.''[giggles]'' I don't know, love. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Just deal with it. Now! :''[Melisha slams the door. Willard cowers and carries Ginger to an old coal bunker near the side of the barn]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[to Ginger]'' I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. ''[He throws Ginger inside, then closes the top and turns to the other chickens]'' Now let that be a lesson to the lot of you! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM! ''[He walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Edwina has been sentenced to the chop after she fails to produce any more.]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh no. Edwina. Bunty, why didn't you give her some of yours? :'''Bunty''': I would have. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell anyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty, Babs and another hen sneak towards Hut 17 with knitted masks over them. Bunty bangs the door, and Ginger lets them in when she sees who it is, except for Babs, who just stands there. Ginger then pulls Babs in by her wing]'' :'''Babs''': Ohh! :''[Nick bangs the door, and Ginger looks to see who it is.]'' :'''Nick''': You called? Nick and-- :'''Fetcher''': Fetcher. :'''Nick''': At your service. :''[Ginger comes out the door. Suddenly, she hears dogs barking and sees Mr Tweedy looking out the farmhouse window]'' :'''Ginger''': Over here! :''[She leads Nick and Fetcher to a corner.]'' :'''Ginger''': We need some more things. :'''Nick''': Right you are, Miss! ''[opens a lunchbox and holds up a couple thimbles]'' How about this quality, hand-crafted tea set? :'''Ginger''': Um, no... :'''Fetcher''': ''[holds up a drain plug on a chain]'' Or this lovely necklace and pendant? :'''Ginger''': Well, it's lovely... :'''Nick''': ''[holds up a badminton birdie]'' Or how about this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paris. Simply pop it on like so... ''[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up so that she looks like an Indian]'' And as the French hens say, "Voila!" :'''Fetcher''': That IS French. :'''Nick''': And that's two hats in one, Miss. For parties... ''[turns the birdie over, making it look like a wedding veil]'' ...For weddings! Uh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream. :'''Fetcher''': Like a duck! :''[Nick glares at him]'' :'''Ginger''': No, thank you. ''[takes off the birdie and shows a diagram of a catapult]'' We're making this. We need these things. Can you get them? :'''Nick''': Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh, this is a big job, Miss. Uh, bigger than the other ones. No, no, this is gonna cost. :'''Ginger''': Same as always: one bag of seed. ''[hands Nick a bag of chicken feed]'' :'''Nick''': You call this pay?! :'''Fetcher''': It's chicken feed! :'''Ginger''': What else could we give you? :'''Nick''': Eggs. :'''Ginger''': Eggs?! :'''Fetcher''': Eggs. ''[holds up an egg cup and licks his lips]'' :'''Ginger''': We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable. :'''Nick''': And so are we. ''[packs up to leave]'' After you, Fetcher. :'''Fetcher''': ''[pausely]'' After I what? :'''Nick''': Move! <hr width=50%/> :''[cut to Ginger, slamming the gavel three times]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[on microphone]'' Order! Order! Quiet, everyone! Settle down! I would like to order... Please, if you could just settle-- :'''Fowler''': Quiet here! ''[banging on the table]'' Let's have some discipline in the ranks! What, what! :'''Ginger''': Thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': In my R.A.F days, we were never allowed to waste time unnecessary chitchat. :'''Ginger''': Yes, thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': I... ''[pause]'' Right! ''[chuckling, clears throat, and saluting]'' Carry on. <hr width=50%> :'''Ginger''': Think everyone, think. What haven't we tried yet? :'''Babs''': Uh... :'''Bunty''': We haven't tried NOT trying to escape. :'''Babs''': ''[happily]'' Hmm. That might work. :'''Ginger''': What about Edwina? How many more empty nests will it take? :'''Bunty''': Well, perhaps it wouldn't be empty if she'd spent more time laying and less time escaping! :'''Ginger''': So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, it is guilty? :'''Babs''': It's a living. :'''Ginger''': Do you know what the problem is? The fences aren't just around the farm, they're up here ''[Points to head]''. There is a better place out there, beyond on the hill, outdoors, trees and grass. You imagine it. Cool grass green. :'''Agnes''': And who feeds us? :'''Ginger''': We feed ourselves. :'''Hen''': Where is the farm? :'''Ginger''': There is no farm. :'''Babs''': Then where does the farmer live? :'''Ginger''': There is no farmer, Babs. :'''Babs''': Is he on holiday? :'''Ginger''': He isn't anywhere! Don't you get it? There's no morning head count no farmers, no dogs, no coups and locks and keys, and no fences! :'''Bunty''': In all my life, I've never heard such a fantastic... LOAD OF '''TRIPE.''' ''[The chickens start murmuring]'' Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of US getting out of HERE are 1,000,000 to 1. :'''Ginger''': Then there's still a chance. <hr width=50%/> :''[After everyone is yelling]'' :'''Rocky''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Let's back up and start from the top. Where am I? :'''Ginger''': Uh, you're right, how rude of us. We're just very exci– ''[clears throat]'' This is a chicken farm. :'''Babs''': And we're the chickens. ''[winks]'' :'''Rocky''': Ah, I'm with you so far. Chicken farm, chickens… :'''Fowler''': ''[about Rocky]'' I don't like the look of this one. His eyes are too close together. :'''Ginger''': Fowler, please! :'''Fowler''': And he's a ''yank''! :'''Rocky''': Easy, pops. Cockfighting's illegal where I come from. :'''Bunty''': And where is that, exactly? :'''Rocky''': Ah, just a little place I call The Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave. :'''Mac''': Scotland! :'''Rocky''': No! America! :'''Chickens''': Oooh! America! :'''Fowler''': Poppycock! Pushy Americans, always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and ''over here''! ''[exits Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Hey, what's eatin' Grandpa? :'''Ginger''': Uh, don't mind him, mister… Mister…? :'''Rocky''': The name's Rocky. Rocky the Rhode Island Red. "Rhodes" for short. :'''Agnes''': "Rocky Rhodes"? :'''Rocky''': Catchy, ain't it? :'''Ginger''': Um, Mr. Rhodes, is this you? :'''Rocky''': Uh... who wants to know? :'''Ginger''': A group of rather desperate chickens. You see, if it IS you, then you just might be the answer to our prayers. :''[Rocky nervously looks at the chickens, who giggle anxiously]'' :'''Rocky''': Well, then, call me a miracle, doll face, 'cause that's me. :'''Chickens''': Oooh! :'''Ginger''': ''[Off-screen]'' And what brings you to England, Mr. Rhodes? :'''Rocky''': Why, all the beautiful English chicks, of course. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger makes a speech to the hens with Rocky behind her]'' :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' it was possible. :'''Rocky''': Oh, it's possible alright. :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' the answer would come. :'''Rocky''': Amen! :'''Ginger''': We're all going to FLY over that fence, and Mr Rhodes is going to show us how, right? :'''Rocky''': That's r... W-w-what, did you say "fly"? :'''Ginger''': You can teach us. :'''Rocky''': No, I can't. ''[The other hens sigh in despair]'' Listen. Shh! You hear that? ''[silence]'' That's the open road calling my name and I was born to answer that call. Bye! ''[dashes out the coop]'' :'''Babs''': He must have very good hearing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': So ''that's'' it. You're from the circus. :'''Rocky''': ''[alarmed]'' Shh! :'''Ginger''': You're on the run, aren't you? :'''Rocky''': ''[pulls Ginger behind Hut 17]'' You wanna keep it down?! I'm trying to lay low here! :'''Ginger''': I should turn you in right now! :'''Rocky''': You wouldn't… would you? :'''Ginger''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't. :'''Rocky''': Because I'm… cute? ''[Ginger stares at him and squawks loudly, he quickly clamps her beak shut]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What kind of crazy chick are you? Do you know what'll happen if he finds me?! :'''Ginger''': It's a cruel world. :'''Rocky''': I've just decided, I don't like you. :'''Ginger''': I've just decided, I don't care. Now show us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': With this wing?! :'''Ginger''': ''Teach'' us, then! :'''Rocky''': No! :''[Ginger squawks again]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''':(Smiles) He's valuable, you say? :'''Circus Man''': Sure. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[to Mr Tweedy]'' Get the torch. :'''Rocky''': ''[clamps her beak shut again]'' Now you listen here, sister. I'm not going back to that life! I'm a lone free ranger; emphasis on "free"! :'''Ginger''': And that's what ''we'' want - freedom! ''[Rocky notices the Tweedys approaching]'' Fancy that, they're coming this way. :'''Rocky''': Uh, no! Uh, no, they're after me! :'''Ginger''': Teach us to fly, and we'll hide you. :'''Rocky''': And if I don't...? ''[Ginger starts to squawk again when Rocky clamp her beak shut this instant she does]'' Was your father, by any chance, a ''vulture''?! :'''Ginger''': Do we have a deal? ''[Offers her wing to seal the deal. Rocky reluctantly agrees and Ginger pulls him behind Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Time to make good on that deal, doll– :'''Ginger''': ''[grabs his beak]'' The ''name''... is Ginger. ''[knocks on the wall of Hut 17. A hidden door opens and two chickens grab her and Rocky and take them inside]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Fowler is forced to share his bunk in Hut 1 with Rocky]'' :'''Fowler''': Absolutely outrageous! Asking a senior officer to share his quarters! And with a non-commissioned Yank, no less! Why, back in my day, I'd never... :'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, you weren't exactly ''my'' first choice either. And scoot over! Your wing's on my side of the bunk. :'''Fowler''': ''Your'' side of the bunk!? The '''''whole''' bunk'' is ''my'' side of the bunk! :'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[snapping back]'' Just... What's that smell, is that your ''breath''? :'''Fowler''': ''[grumbling]'' It's absolutely outrageous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rocky''': So, you wanna fly? Well, it ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna happen overnight either. You see, flying takes three things - hard work, perseverance and... hard work. :'''Fowler''': You said "hard work" twice! :'''Rocky''': That's because it takes twice as much work as perseverance. ''[licks a feather and shows it to the hens, making all of them except Ginger laugh]'' :'''Fowler''': Codswallop! ''[muttering]'' Cocky Yanks think that they know it all... ''[goes back into Hut 1]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': I thought you were going to teach us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': That's what I'm doing. :'''Ginger''': ''[chuckles]'' Isn't there usually some flapping involved? :'''Rocky''': Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs? Relax. We're making progress. :'''Ginger''': Really? I can't help feeling we're going round in circles. ''[points to the chickens, who are indeed, spinning around in circles]'' :'''Rocky''': What the...? Hey! Cut it out! You're making ''me'' dizzy! ''[The chickens stop, and start wobble around uneasily and toppling over]'' Yeah. I think they're ready to fly now. :'''Ginger''': Good, 'cause they certainly can't WALK anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet, like... :'''Fetcher''': ''[interrupting]'' Like a fish! :'''Nick''': Yeah, and we- ''[pauses]'' Like a FISH? You stupid Norbert. <hr width=50%/> :''[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Oh! What kind of pies? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Apple. :'''Willard Tweedy''':(excited) My favorite! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[forcefully]'' '''Chicken''' pies, you great lummox! ''[calmly]'' Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer's in the county will be stocked with box upon box of "Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies". :'''Willard Tweedy''': Just "Missus"? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh, right. How does it work? ''[about to pull the gearshift]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[slaps Mr Tweedy on the hand]'' Get me a chicken and I'll show you. :'''Willard Tweedy''': I know just the one. ''[He walks out to get Ginger]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty dances with Fowler]'' :'''Nick''': ''[to Fetcher, sobbing]'' What are you sobbing about, you nancy? :'''Fetcher''': Little moments like this, mate. It's what makes the job all worthwhile. ''[to Nick, putting a red light in]'' Wanna dance? :'''Nick''': Yeah, all right. <hr width=50%/> :''[The chickens are finding out on a poster that Rocky can't fly.]'' :'''Mac''': Oh, a cannon. Aye, that would give you thrust. :'''Bunty''': I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American. :'''Mac''': So, what's the next plan, hen? :'''Ginger''': ''[sighs]'' Let's face it. The only way out of here is wrapped in pastry. :'''Babs''': Perhaps, he just went on holiday. :'''Bunty''': Perhaps, he just wanted to get away from your infernal knitting! ''[angrily snatches Babs' knitting and stamps it in the mud]'' :'''Mac''': You were always the one that was always hitting him. See how you like it! ''[pushes Bunty]'' :'''Bunty''' Don't push me, four eyes! :''[They start fighting, but Fowler enters.]'' :'''Fowler''': Quiet there! Quiet, I say! Dissension in the ranks. Precisely what Jerry would have wanted. The old divide and conquer. A proper squadron work together, like we did in my R.A.F. days. Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, and old Whizzbang at the tail-end Charlie. WingCo would give the call, hop in the old crate, chocks away! Wizard show it was. ''[shows Bunty his air-force medal]'' That's how you get medals. :'''Bunty''': ''[enraged]'' Oh. Will you shut up about your '''STUPID, BLOOMING ''MEDALS?!?!''''' :''[Bunty furiously slaps the air-force medal out of Fowler's hand and it lands in front of Ginger in the mud, the chickens gasp at it.]'' :'''Fowler''': '''''HOW DARE YOU!''''' ''[angrily hits Bunty with his cane]'' Madam, forgive me. A-As an officer, I offer my most-- :''[Bunty punches Fowler and all the chickens starts fighting in the mud. Ginger sees the air-force medal and picks it up.]'' :'''Ginger''': Fowler. ''[turns to the chickens fighting in the mud]'' Everyone! '''''SHUT UP!''''' :''[All the chickens stop fighting, with Babs holding on the leg by the mouth, long pause]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[clears throat]'' Fowler, what exactly is the R.A.F.? :'''Fowler''': ''[pulls his face out of the mud]'' What do you mean, what is it? ''[salutes]'' The Royal Air Force is what! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Ginger''': Then what's the "old crate"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[being attacked by the chickens]'' MRS TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically, with her back turned she not paying attention]'' Finally, something we agree on. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Listen. We'll either die free chickens or die trying. :'''Babs''': Are those the only choices? <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': ''[aboard the flying machine]'' The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and- :'''Fetcher''': Kiss your bum goodbye! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Alright, Fowler! Ready for take-off! :'''Fowler''': Behind you all the way! :'''Ginger''': But... you're supposed to be up there! ''[points to the cockpit]'' You're the pilot! :'''Fowler''': Don't be ridiculous. I can't fly this contraption. :'''Ginger''': But... but back in your day. The Royal Air Force. :'''Fowler''': [[w:No. 644 Squadron RAF|644 Squadron]], Poultry Division! We were the mascots. :'''Ginger''': You mean you never actually FLEW the plane!? :'''Fowler''': Good heavens, no! I'm a CHICKEN! The Royal Air Force doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft! :''[The chickens hear this and start chattering in a panic.]'' :'''Hen''': We're all gonna die! :'''Ginger''': You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day! :'''Bunty''': You can do it, you old sausage. :''[Fowler pulls himself together, stands and salutes.]'' :'''Fowler''': Wing Commander T.I. Fowler reporting for duty. ''[The hens cheer; Fowler impatiently talks over them, heading for the cockpit.]'' Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get this crate off the ground! <hr width=50%/> :''[On the flying machine]'' :'''Fowler''': We need more power! :'''Mac''': [[w:Montgomery Scott|I cannae work miracles, Cap'n! We're giving her all she's got!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger slaps Rocky]'' :'''Ginger''': THAT'S for leaving. ''[pulls him close]'' And THIS is for coming back. :''[Loud nose occurs, the crate is pulled down slightly and the chickens scream]'' :'''Fowler''': Great Scott! What was that? :'''Mac''': A [[w:Klingon|cling-on]], Cap'n. And the engines can't take it! :''[Melisha Tweedy snarls Rocky and Ginger gasps]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh my goodness. Babs! Scissors! :'''Babs''':[knit toothbrush lipstick scissor] Bingo! :'''Ginger''': Lower me down. :'''Rocky''': But... Ginger... :'''Ginger''': Just do it. :'''Fowler''': Increase velocity! :'''Babs''': What does that mean? :'''Bunty''': It means '''''PEDAL YOUR FLIPPIN' GIBLETS OUT!!''''' :''[Melisha Tweedy she climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': LOWER! :'''Rocky''': I'm trying! :''[Melisha Tweedy she continue climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': [billboard] FOWLER! LOOK OUT! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! ''[She raising her axe. But then Rocky Starts firing eggs at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Rocky''': FIRE! FIRE! :'''Fetcher''': Oh, me eggs. ''[Ginger loses Babs' scissors]'' :'''Rocky''': MORE AMMO, HURRY! :'''Nick''': WE'VE GOT NO MORE EGGS! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Snarling. Melisha Tweedy breaks the wire with axe and Ginger fakes her death]'' :'''Rocky''': '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' ''[Ginger she ducks and cover looks up at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Groans. Ginger reveals the broken Christmas lights in front of Melisha Tweedy]'' HUH?! :'''Ginger''': Bye-bye! ''[Melisha Tweedy screams after her side of the wire is lets go]'' :'''Fowler''': BOMBS AWAY! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her last words]'' MR TWEEDY!!! ''[All the chickens cheer for victory]'' :'''Rocky''': Oh, that was good, that was GOOD! :'''Fowler''': The Old Bird bought it! ''[laughing]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweed-- ''(Oh, no!) [Melisha Tweedy shrieking and gasping. Willard Tweedy closed the door slowing down and pie machine explodes] (Look out for exploded!)'' :'''Rocky and Ginger''': WHOA! ''[Gravy leaks down the door]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his last words]'' I told you they was organized. ''(Right?) [Melisha Tweedy she gets angrilyisherer and willard he pushes the door is falls flat on her as chickens are victory]'' :'''Ginger''': We did it everyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Nick''': 'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat. :'''Fetcher''': Right. We'll need a chicken then. :'''Nick''': No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from. :'''Fetcher''': No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where you gonna get an egg? :'''Nick''': From the chicken that comes from the egg. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken. :'''Nick''': Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then the egg, you get the chicken out. :'''Fetcher''': Hang on. Let's go over this again. ''[The screen puts up, "The End", then the credits scene]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Very last lines, the screen puts up, "The End", then the bonus credits scene]'' :'''Nick''': The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then? :'''Nick''': What do you mean, where'd it come from? :'''Fetcher''': Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along. :'''Nick''': Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place. :'''Fetcher''': So we got two eggs now? :'''Nick''': No, we're still talking about the very first egg. :'''Fetcher''': But what happened about the very first chicken? :'''Nick''': He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'? :'''Rocky''': Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here. :'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, guv. :'''Fetcher''': Beg your pardon. :'''Nick''': Won't happen again. :'''Rocky''': Thanks. :'''Nick''': Gitface. :'''Fetcher''': Pillock. :'''Nick''': Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are. :'''Nick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work, he gets all the credits. :'''Fetcher''': But he does get all the birds. He gets everything. :'''Nick''': Yes, he does. Everything. :'''Fetcher''': You said it, mate. :'''Nick''': I know. ==Deleted Dialogues== :''[Melisha Tweedy grabs the wire and both Rocky and Ginger walk slowly up to the rear]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh No. SHES GRABBED ON! :'''Wally The Rooster''': COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! ==Taglines== * This Ain't No Chick Flick! * Escape or Die Frying. * A Few Good Hen. * There's Nothing More Determined Than Poultry With A Plan. * She's Poultry In Motion. * Feathers Will Fly! * The Lone Free Ranger. * It's Chicken Impossible. * A Chicken Will Rise! * The Cluck Stops Here. * Run, Don't Walk! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Julia Sawalha|Julia Sawalha]] — Ginger the Hen * [[Mel Gibson]] — Rocky the Rooster * [[w:Lynn Ferguson|Lynn Ferguson]] — Mac * [[w:Jane Horrocks|Jane Horrocks]] — Babs * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] — Bunty * [[w:Benjamin Whitrow|Benjamin Whitrow]] — Fowler * [[w:Phil Daniels|Phil Daniels]] — Fetcher * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] — Nick * [[w:Tony Haygarth|Tony Haygarth]] — Willard Tweedy * [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] — Melisha Tweedy * [[w:John Sharian|John Sharian]] — Ringmaster * Jo Allen, [[w:Lisa Kay|Lisa Kay]] and Laura Strachan — Additional Chickens == Rolleliste == * Rocky – Søren Pilmark * Ginger – Annette Heick * Mac – Jette Sievertsen * Babs – Trine Pallesen * Mr Tweedy – Per Pallesen * Mrs Tweedy – Anne Marie Helger * Fowler – John Hahn-Petersen * Fetcher – Torben Zeller * Nick – Claus Bue * Bunty – Ellen Hillingsø ==== I mindre roller ==== * Vibeke Dueholm * Louise Engell * Puk Scharbau * Lars Thiesgaard * Julian T. Kellermann * Helene W. Moe ==== Technical Credits ==== * Instruktør – Lars Thiesgaard * Oversættelse – Hans Kristian Bang * Producer – Svend Christiansen ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0120630| title=Chicken Run}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=chicken_run | title=Chicken Run}} * [http://www.aardman.com/chickenrun/ The official site] {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:2000s British animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:British animated films]] [[Category:Stop-motion animated films]] [[Category:British children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:British children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Prison films]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Chicken Run (franchise)]] [[Category:Films about farming]] t6jk2yp4ty8f0wrwlku5sikgj3lskxi 3944277 3944272 2026-05-22T20:50:54Z ~2026-30783-26 3327539 /* Dialogue */ 3944277 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Chicken Run}}''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] British [[w:Clay animation|clay animation]] film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], [[w:Aardman Animations|Aardman]] and [[w:Pathé|Pathé]] and distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], This is a story about a band of chickens who seek escape from their coop before their owners, mild-mannered egg farmer Mr. Tweedy and his overbearing wife, make them all into chicken pot pies. '''''[[Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget]]''''' was a sequel in [[w:2023 in film|2023]]. :''Directed and written by [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]] and [[w:Nick Park|Nick Park]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and John Powell.'' {{center|'''This Ain't No Chick Flick!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Model Stalag Luft III.jpg|thumb|"Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of ''us'' getting out of ''here'' are 1,000,000 to 1."<br />"Then there's still a chance."]] [[File:US-58-from-Corinth-Cemetery-va.jpg|thumb|"You hear that? That's the open road calling my name, and I was born to answer that call. Bye!"<br />"He must have very good hearing."]] [[File:RAF-Badge.svg|thumb|"You mean you never actually ''flew'' the plane?"<br />"Good heavens, no! I'm a ''chicken''! The '''R'''oyal '''A'''ir '''F'''orce doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!"]] [[File:Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Members' day 2018 MOD 45164718.jpg|thumb|"You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!"]] ==Dialogue== :''[Mr. Willard Tweedy walks with the dogs by a flashlight, then shakes a lock, then continues to walk with the dogs. A hen named Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence. But they make a loud noise once they come to the fence]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[loud whispering]'' Shush! :'''Babs''': ''[whimpers]'' :''[Bunty tries to get under the fence, but she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]'' :'''Bunty''': I'm stuck! :''[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence. But Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]'' :'''Ginger''': Get back! :''[They all pull her out of the fence, with Ginger pushing, and then lay down. Ginger runs away from the dog, followed by Mr. Tweedy. The dog continues running at Ginger, then another dog runs at her, chasing her by the door. The dogs walk up the stairs and then touch a gnome. The dogs walk up. Ginger grabs a garden gnome to fend them off. The dog bites the gnome's head off. Then suddenly the doors open. The dogs cower. Ginger spins around to find Melisha Tweedy, Mr. Tweedy's wife, her face icy and expressionless]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''':[her first words] Mr. Tweedy. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Eh? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': What is that chicken doing outside the fence? :'''Willard Tweedy''':[his first words] Oh.''[giggles]'' I don't know, love. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Just deal with it. Now! :''[Melisha slams the door. Willard cowers and carries Ginger to an old coal bunker near the side of the barn]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[to Ginger]'' I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. ''[He throws Ginger inside, then closes the top and turns to the other chickens]'' Now let that be a lesson to the lot of you! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM! ''[He walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Edwina has been sentenced to the chop after she fails to produce any more.]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh no. Edwina. Bunty, why didn't you give her some of yours? :'''Bunty''': I would have. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell anyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty, Babs and another hen sneak towards Hut 17 with knitted masks over them. Bunty bangs the door, and Ginger lets them in when she sees who it is, except for Babs, who just stands there. Ginger then pulls Babs in by her wing]'' :'''Babs''': Ohh! :''[Nick bangs the door, and Ginger looks to see who it is.]'' :'''Nick''': You called? Nick and-- :'''Fetcher''': Fetcher. :'''Nick''': At your service. :''[Ginger comes out the door. Suddenly, she hears dogs barking and sees Mr Tweedy looking out the farmhouse window]'' :'''Ginger''': Over here! :''[She leads Nick and Fetcher to a corner.]'' :'''Ginger''': We need some more things. :'''Nick''': Right you are, Miss! ''[opens a lunchbox and holds up a couple thimbles]'' How about this quality, hand-crafted tea set? :'''Ginger''': Um, no... :'''Fetcher''': ''[holds up a drain plug on a chain]'' Or this lovely necklace and pendant? :'''Ginger''': Well, it's lovely... :'''Nick''': ''[holds up a badminton birdie]'' Or how about this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paris. Simply pop it on like so... ''[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up so that she looks like an Indian]'' And as the French hens say, "Voila!" :'''Fetcher''': That IS French. :'''Nick''': And that's two hats in one, Miss. For parties... ''[turns the birdie over, making it look like a wedding veil]'' ...For weddings! Uh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream. :'''Fetcher''': Like a duck! :''[Nick glares at him]'' :'''Ginger''': No, thank you. ''[takes off the birdie and shows a diagram of a catapult]'' We're making this. We need these things. Can you get them? :'''Nick''': Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh, this is a big job, Miss. Uh, bigger than the other ones. No, no, this is gonna cost. :'''Ginger''': Same as always: one bag of seed. ''[hands Nick a bag of chicken feed]'' :'''Nick''': You call this pay?! :'''Fetcher''': It's chicken feed! :'''Ginger''': What else could we give you? :'''Nick''': Eggs. :'''Ginger''': Eggs?! :'''Fetcher''': Eggs. ''[holds up an egg cup and licks his lips]'' :'''Ginger''': We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable. :'''Nick''': And so are we. ''[packs up to leave]'' After you, Fetcher. :'''Fetcher''': ''[pausely]'' After I what? :'''Nick''': Move! <hr width=50%/> :''[cut to Ginger, slamming the gavel three times]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[on microphone]'' Order! Order! Quiet, everyone! Settle down! I would like to order... Please, if you could just settle-- :'''Fowler''': Quiet here! ''[banging on the table]'' Let's have some discipline in the ranks! What, what! :'''Ginger''': Thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': In my R.A.F days, we were never allowed to waste time unnecessary chitchat. :'''Ginger''': Yes, thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': I... ''[pause]'' Right! ''[chuckling, clears throat, and saluting]'' Carry on. <hr width=50%> :'''Ginger''': Think everyone, think. What haven't we tried yet? :'''Babs''': Uh... :'''Bunty''': We haven't tried NOT trying to escape. :'''Babs''': ''[happily]'' Hmm. That might work. :'''Ginger''': What about Edwina? How many more empty nests will it take? :'''Bunty''': Well, perhaps it wouldn't be empty if she'd spent more time laying and less time escaping! :'''Ginger''': So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, it is guilty? :'''Babs''': It's a living. :'''Ginger''': Do you know what the problem is? The fences aren't just around the farm, they're up here ''[Points to head]''. There is a better place out there, beyond on the hill, outdoors, trees and grass. You imagine it. Cool grass green. :'''Agnes''': And who feeds us? :'''Ginger''': We feed ourselves. :'''Hen''': Where is the farm? :'''Ginger''': There is no farm. :'''Babs''': Then where does the farmer live? :'''Ginger''': There is no farmer, Babs. :'''Babs''': Is he on holiday? :'''Ginger''': He isn't anywhere! Don't you get it? There's no morning head count no farmers, no dogs, no coups and locks and keys, and no fences! :'''Bunty''': In all my life, I've never heard such a fantastic... LOAD OF '''TRIPE.''' ''[The chickens start murmuring]'' Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of US getting out of HERE are 1,000,000 to 1. :'''Ginger''': Then there's still a chance. <hr width=50%/> :''[After everyone is yelling]'' :'''Rocky''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Let's back up and start from the top. Where am I? :'''Ginger''': Uh, you're right, how rude of us. We're just very exci– ''[clears throat]'' This is a chicken farm. :'''Babs''': And we're the chickens. ''[winks]'' :'''Rocky''': Ah, I'm with you so far. Chicken farm, chickens… :'''Fowler''': ''[about Rocky]'' I don't like the look of this one. His eyes are too close together. :'''Ginger''': Fowler, please! :'''Fowler''': And he's a ''yank''! :'''Rocky''': Easy, pops. Cockfighting's illegal where I come from. :'''Bunty''': And where is that, exactly? :'''Rocky''': Ah, just a little place I call The Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave. :'''Mac''': Scotland! :'''Rocky''': No! America! :'''Chickens''': Oooh! America! :'''Fowler''': Poppycock! Pushy Americans, always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and ''over here''! ''[exits Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Hey, what's eatin' Grandpa? :'''Ginger''': Uh, don't mind him, mister… Mister…? :'''Rocky''': The name's Rocky. Rocky the Rhode Island Red. "Rhodes" for short. :'''Agnes''': "Rocky Rhodes"? :'''Rocky''': Catchy, ain't it? :'''Ginger''': Um, Mr. Rhodes, is this you? :'''Rocky''': Uh... who wants to know? :'''Ginger''': A group of rather desperate chickens. You see, if it IS you, then you just might be the answer to our prayers. :''[Rocky nervously looks at the chickens, who giggle anxiously]'' :'''Rocky''': Well, then, call me a miracle, doll face, 'cause that's me. :'''Chickens''': Oooh! :'''Ginger''': ''[Off-screen]'' And what brings you to England, Mr. Rhodes? :'''Rocky''': Why, all the beautiful English chicks, of course. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger makes a speech to the hens with Rocky behind her]'' :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' it was possible. :'''Rocky''': Oh, it's possible alright. :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' the answer would come. :'''Rocky''': Amen! :'''Ginger''': We're all going to FLY over that fence, and Mr Rhodes is going to show us how, right? :'''Rocky''': That's r... W-w-what, did you say "fly"? :'''Ginger''': You can teach us. :'''Rocky''': No, I can't. ''[The other hens sigh in despair]'' Listen. Shh! You hear that? ''[silence]'' That's the open road calling my name and I was born to answer that call. Bye! ''[dashes out the coop]'' :'''Babs''': He must have very good hearing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': So ''that's'' it. You're from the circus. :'''Rocky''': ''[alarmed]'' Shh! :'''Ginger''': You're on the run, aren't you? :'''Rocky''': ''[pulls Ginger behind Hut 17]'' You wanna keep it down?! I'm trying to lay low here! :'''Ginger''': I should turn you in right now! :'''Rocky''': You wouldn't… would you? :'''Ginger''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't. :'''Rocky''': Because I'm… cute? ''[Ginger stares at him and squawks loudly, he quickly clamps her beak shut]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What kind of crazy chick are you? Do you know what'll happen if he finds me?! :'''Ginger''': It's a cruel world. :'''Rocky''': I've just decided, I don't like you. :'''Ginger''': I've just decided, I don't care. Now show us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': With this wing?! :'''Ginger''': ''Teach'' us, then! :'''Rocky''': No! :''[Ginger squawks again]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Smiles]'' He's valuable, you say? :'''Circus Man''': Sure. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[to Mr Tweedy]'' Get the torch. :'''Rocky''': ''[clamps her beak shut again]'' Now you listen here, sister. I'm not going back to that life! I'm a lone free ranger; emphasis on "free"! :'''Ginger''': And that's what ''we'' want - freedom! ''[Rocky notices the Tweedys approaching]'' Fancy that, they're coming this way. :'''Rocky''': Uh, no! Uh, no, they're after me! :'''Ginger''': Teach us to fly, and we'll hide you. :'''Rocky''': And if I don't...? ''[Ginger starts to squawk again when Rocky clamp her beak shut this instant she does]'' Was your father, by any chance, a ''vulture''?! :'''Ginger''': Do we have a deal? ''[Offers her wing to seal the deal. Rocky reluctantly agrees and Ginger pulls him behind Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Time to make good on that deal, doll– :'''Ginger''': ''[grabs his beak]'' The ''name''... is Ginger. ''[knocks on the wall of Hut 17. A hidden door opens and two chickens grab her and Rocky and take them inside]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Fowler is forced to share his bunk in Hut 1 with Rocky]'' :'''Fowler''': Absolutely outrageous! Asking a senior officer to share his quarters! And with a non-commissioned Yank, no less! Why, back in my day, I'd never... :'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, you weren't exactly ''my'' first choice either. And scoot over! Your wing's on my side of the bunk. :'''Fowler''': ''Your'' side of the bunk!? The '''''whole''' bunk'' is ''my'' side of the bunk! :'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[snapping back]'' Just... What's that smell, is that your ''breath''? :'''Fowler''': ''[grumbling]'' It's absolutely outrageous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rocky''': So, you wanna fly? Well, it ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna happen overnight either. You see, flying takes three things - hard work, perseverance and... hard work. :'''Fowler''': You said "hard work" twice! :'''Rocky''': That's because it takes twice as much work as perseverance. ''[licks a feather and shows it to the hens, making all of them except Ginger laugh]'' :'''Fowler''': Codswallop! ''[muttering]'' Cocky Yanks think that they know it all... ''[goes back into Hut 1]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': I thought you were going to teach us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': That's what I'm doing. :'''Ginger''': ''[chuckles]'' Isn't there usually some flapping involved? :'''Rocky''': Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs? Relax. We're making progress. :'''Ginger''': Really? I can't help feeling we're going round in circles. ''[points to the chickens, who are indeed, spinning around in circles]'' :'''Rocky''': What the...? Hey! Cut it out! You're making ''me'' dizzy! ''[The chickens stop, and start wobble around uneasily and toppling over]'' Yeah. I think they're ready to fly now. :'''Ginger''': Good, 'cause they certainly can't WALK anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet, like... :'''Fetcher''': ''[interrupting]'' Like a fish! :'''Nick''': Yeah, and we- ''[pauses]'' Like a FISH? You stupid Norbert. <hr width=50%/> :''[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Oh! What kind of pies? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Apple. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[excited]'' My favorite! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[forcefully]'' '''Chicken''' pies, you great lummox! ''[calmly]'' Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer's in the county will be stocked with box upon box of "Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies". :'''Willard Tweedy''': Just "Missus"? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh, right. How does it work? ''[about to pull the gearshift]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[slaps Mr. Tweedy on the hand]'' Get me a chicken and I'll show you. :'''Willard Tweedy''': I know just the one. ''[He walks out to get Ginger]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty dances with Fowler]'' :'''Nick''': ''[to Fetcher, sobbing]'' What are you sobbing about, you nancy? :'''Fetcher''': Little moments like this, mate. It's what makes the job all worthwhile. ''[to Nick, putting a red light in]'' Wanna dance? :'''Nick''': Yeah, all right. <hr width=50%/> :''[The chickens are finding out on a poster that Rocky can't fly.]'' :'''Mac''': Oh, a cannon. Aye, that would give you thrust. :'''Bunty''': I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American. :'''Mac''': So, what's the next plan, hen? :'''Ginger''': ''[sighs]'' Let's face it. The only way out of here is wrapped in pastry. :'''Babs''': Perhaps, he just went on holiday. :'''Bunty''': Perhaps, he just wanted to get away from your infernal knitting! ''[angrily snatches Babs' knitting and stamps it in the mud]'' :'''Mac''': You were always the one that was always hitting him. See how you like it! ''[pushes Bunty]'' :'''Bunty''' Don't push me, four eyes! :''[They start fighting, but Fowler enters.]'' :'''Fowler''': Quiet there! Quiet, I say! Dissension in the ranks. Precisely what Jerry would have wanted. The old divide and conquer. A proper squadron work together, like we did in my R.A.F. days. Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, and old Whizzbang at the tail-end Charlie. WingCo would give the call, hop in the old crate, chocks away! Wizard show it was. ''[shows Bunty his air-force medal]'' That's how you get medals. :'''Bunty''': ''[enraged]'' Oh. Will you shut up about your '''STUPID, BLOOMING ''MEDALS?!?!''''' :''[Bunty furiously slaps the air-force medal out of Fowler's hand and it lands in front of Ginger in the mud, the chickens gasp at it.]'' :'''Fowler''': '''''HOW DARE YOU!''''' ''[angrily hits Bunty with his cane]'' Madam, forgive me. A-As an officer, I offer my most-- :''[Bunty punches Fowler and all the chickens starts fighting in the mud. Ginger sees the air-force medal and picks it up.]'' :'''Ginger''': Fowler. ''[turns to the chickens fighting in the mud]'' Everyone! '''''SHUT UP!''''' :''[All the chickens stop fighting, with Babs holding on the leg by the mouth, long pause]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[clears throat]'' Fowler, what exactly is the R.A.F.? :'''Fowler''': ''[pulls his face out of the mud]'' What do you mean, what is it? ''[salutes]'' The Royal Air Force is what! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Ginger''': Then what's the "old crate"? <hr width=50%/> :''[The chickens' plane-building has just been discovered by Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Mr. Tweedy''': Me tools! Why, you thieving little buggers! :'''Mac''': ''[whispers]'' What's the plan? :''[Mr. Tweedy stares down Ginger for a few seconds.]'' :'''Ginger''': '''ATTACK!!''' ''[Cut to close up Mr. Tweedy]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[as Ginger is doing literally that]'' Nice plan! :''[the chickens looks as they drop their tools. Cut to all of them swarming Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[being attacked by the chickens]'' '''MRS. TWEEDY! AHH! MRS. TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!''' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically, with her back turned she not paying attention]'' Finally, something we agree on. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[still being attacked by the chickens]'' '''HELP MRS> TW...''' ''[muffled falls down]'' :'''Ginger''': Under the hut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Listen. We'll either die free chickens or die trying. :'''Babs''': Are those the only choices? <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': ''[aboard the flying machine]'' The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and- :'''Fetcher''': Kiss your bum goodbye! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Alright, Fowler! Ready for take-off! :'''Fowler''': Behind you all the way! :'''Ginger''': But... you're supposed to be up there! ''[points to the cockpit]'' You're the pilot! :'''Fowler''': Don't be ridiculous. I can't fly this contraption. :'''Ginger''': But... but back in your day. The Royal Air Force. :'''Fowler''': [[w:No. 644 Squadron RAF|644 Squadron]], Poultry Division! We were the mascots. :'''Ginger''': You mean you never actually FLEW the plane!? :'''Fowler''': Good heavens, no! I'm a CHICKEN! The Royal Air Force doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft! :''[The chickens hear this and start chattering in a panic.]'' :'''Hen''': We're all gonna die! :'''Ginger''': You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day! :'''Bunty''': You can do it, you old sausage. :''[Fowler pulls himself together, stands and salutes.]'' :'''Fowler''': Wing Commander T.I. Fowler reporting for duty. ''[The hens cheer; Fowler impatiently talks over them, heading for the cockpit.]'' Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get this crate off the ground! <hr width=50%/> :''[On the flying machine]'' :'''Fowler''': We need more power! :'''Mac''': [[w:Montgomery Scott|I cannae work miracles, Cap'n! We're giving her all she's got!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger slaps Rocky]'' :'''Ginger''': THAT'S for leaving. ''[pulls him close]'' And THIS is for coming back. :''[Loud nose occurs, the crate is pulled down slightly and the chickens scream]'' :'''Fowler''': Great Scott! What was that? :'''Mac''': A [[w:Klingon|cling-on]], Cap'n. And the engines can't take it! :''[Melisha Tweedy snarls Rocky and Ginger gasps]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh my goodness. Babs! Scissors! :'''Babs''':[knit toothbrush lipstick scissor] Bingo! :'''Ginger''': Lower me down. :'''Rocky''': But... Ginger... :'''Ginger''': Just do it. :'''Fowler''': Increase velocity! :'''Babs''': What does that mean? :'''Bunty''': It means '''''PEDAL YOUR FLIPPIN' GIBLETS OUT!!''''' :''[Melisha Tweedy she climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': LOWER! :'''Rocky''': I'm trying! :''[Melisha Tweedy she continue climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': [billboard] FOWLER! LOOK OUT! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! ''[She raising her axe. But then Rocky Starts firing eggs at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Rocky''': FIRE! FIRE! :'''Fetcher''': Oh, me eggs. ''[Ginger loses Babs' scissors]'' :'''Rocky''': MORE AMMO, HURRY! :'''Nick''': WE'VE GOT NO MORE EGGS! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Snarling. Melisha Tweedy breaks the wire with axe and Ginger fakes her death]'' :'''Rocky''': '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' ''[Ginger she ducks and cover looks up at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Groans. Ginger reveals the broken Christmas lights in front of Melisha Tweedy]'' HUH?! :'''Ginger''': Bye-bye! ''[Melisha Tweedy screams after her side of the wire is lets go]'' :'''Fowler''': BOMBS AWAY! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her last words]'' MR TWEEDY!!! ''[All the chickens cheer for victory]'' :'''Rocky''': Oh, that was good, that was GOOD! :'''Fowler''': The Old Bird bought it! ''[laughing]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweed-- ''(Oh, no!) [Melisha Tweedy shrieking and gasping. Willard Tweedy closed the door slowing down and pie machine explodes] (Look out for exploded!)'' :'''Rocky and Ginger''': WHOA! ''[Gravy leaks down the door]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his last words]'' I told you they was organized. ''(Right?) [Melisha Tweedy she gets angrilyisherer and willard he pushes the door is falls flat on her as chickens are victory]'' :'''Ginger''': We did it everyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Nick''': 'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat. :'''Fetcher''': Right. We'll need a chicken then. :'''Nick''': No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from. :'''Fetcher''': No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where you gonna get an egg? :'''Nick''': From the chicken that comes from the egg. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken. :'''Nick''': Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then the egg, you get the chicken out. :'''Fetcher''': Hang on. Let's go over this again. ''[The screen puts up, "The End", then the credits scene]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Very last lines, the screen puts up, "The End", then the bonus credits scene]'' :'''Nick''': The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then? :'''Nick''': What do you mean, where'd it come from? :'''Fetcher''': Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along. :'''Nick''': Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place. :'''Fetcher''': So we got two eggs now? :'''Nick''': No, we're still talking about the very first egg. :'''Fetcher''': But what happened about the very first chicken? :'''Nick''': He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'? :'''Rocky''': Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here. :'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, guv. :'''Fetcher''': Beg your pardon. :'''Nick''': Won't happen again. :'''Rocky''': Thanks. :'''Nick''': Gitface. :'''Fetcher''': Pillock. :'''Nick''': Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are. :'''Nick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work, he gets all the credits. :'''Fetcher''': But he does get all the birds. He gets everything. :'''Nick''': Yes, he does. Everything. :'''Fetcher''': You said it, mate. :'''Nick''': I know. ==Deleted Dialogues== :''[Melisha Tweedy grabs the wire and both Rocky and Ginger walk slowly up to the rear]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh No. SHES GRABBED ON! :'''Wally The Rooster''': COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! ==Taglines== * This Ain't No Chick Flick! * Escape or Die Frying. * A Few Good Hen. * There's Nothing More Determined Than Poultry With A Plan. * She's Poultry In Motion. * Feathers Will Fly! * The Lone Free Ranger. * It's Chicken Impossible. * A Chicken Will Rise! * The Cluck Stops Here. * Run, Don't Walk! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Julia Sawalha|Julia Sawalha]] — Ginger the Hen * [[Mel Gibson]] — Rocky the Rooster * [[w:Lynn Ferguson|Lynn Ferguson]] — Mac * [[w:Jane Horrocks|Jane Horrocks]] — Babs * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] — Bunty * [[w:Benjamin Whitrow|Benjamin Whitrow]] — Fowler * [[w:Phil Daniels|Phil Daniels]] — Fetcher * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] — Nick * [[w:Tony Haygarth|Tony Haygarth]] — Willard Tweedy * [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] — Melisha Tweedy * [[w:John Sharian|John Sharian]] — Ringmaster * Jo Allen, [[w:Lisa Kay|Lisa Kay]] and Laura Strachan — Additional Chickens == Rolleliste == * Rocky – Søren Pilmark * Ginger – Annette Heick * Mac – Jette Sievertsen * Babs – Trine Pallesen * Mr Tweedy – Per Pallesen * Mrs Tweedy – Anne Marie Helger * Fowler – John Hahn-Petersen * Fetcher – Torben Zeller * Nick – Claus Bue * Bunty – Ellen Hillingsø ==== I mindre roller ==== * Vibeke Dueholm * Louise Engell * Puk Scharbau * Lars Thiesgaard * Julian T. Kellermann * Helene W. Moe ==== Technical Credits ==== * Instruktør – Lars Thiesgaard * Oversættelse – Hans Kristian Bang * Producer – Svend Christiansen ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0120630| title=Chicken Run}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=chicken_run | title=Chicken Run}} * [http://www.aardman.com/chickenrun/ The official site] {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:2000s British animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:British animated films]] [[Category:Stop-motion animated films]] [[Category:British children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:British children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Prison films]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Chicken Run (franchise)]] [[Category:Films about farming]] m07hgbpe8si25fgz02rl60njkrh2osv 3944280 3944277 2026-05-22T20:53:48Z ~2026-30783-26 3327539 /* Dialogue */ 3944280 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Chicken Run}}''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] British [[w:Clay animation|clay animation]] film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], [[w:Aardman Animations|Aardman]] and [[w:Pathé|Pathé]] and distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], This is a story about a band of chickens who seek escape from their coop before their owners, mild-mannered egg farmer Mr. Tweedy and his overbearing wife, make them all into chicken pot pies. '''''[[Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget]]''''' was a sequel in [[w:2023 in film|2023]]. :''Directed and written by [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]] and [[w:Nick Park|Nick Park]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and John Powell.'' {{center|'''This Ain't No Chick Flick!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Model Stalag Luft III.jpg|thumb|"Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of ''us'' getting out of ''here'' are 1,000,000 to 1."<br />"Then there's still a chance."]] [[File:US-58-from-Corinth-Cemetery-va.jpg|thumb|"You hear that? That's the open road calling my name, and I was born to answer that call. Bye!"<br />"He must have very good hearing."]] [[File:RAF-Badge.svg|thumb|"You mean you never actually ''flew'' the plane?"<br />"Good heavens, no! I'm a ''chicken''! The '''R'''oyal '''A'''ir '''F'''orce doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!"]] [[File:Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Members' day 2018 MOD 45164718.jpg|thumb|"You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!"]] ==Dialogue== :''[Mr. Willard Tweedy walks with the dogs by a flashlight, then shakes a lock, then continues to walk with the dogs. A hen named Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence. But they make a loud noise once they come to the fence]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[loud whispering]'' Shush! :'''Babs''': ''[whimpers]'' :''[Bunty tries to get under the fence, but she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]'' :'''Bunty''': I'm stuck! :''[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence. But Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]'' :'''Ginger''': Get back! :''[They all pull her out of the fence, with Ginger pushing, and then lay down. Ginger runs away from the dog, followed by Mr. Tweedy. The dog continues running at Ginger, then another dog runs at her, chasing her by the door. The dogs walk up the stairs and then touch a gnome. The dogs walk up. Ginger grabs a garden gnome to fend them off. The dog bites the gnome's head off. Then suddenly the doors open. The dogs cower. Ginger spins around to find Melisha Tweedy, Mr. Tweedy's wife, her face icy and expressionless]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''':[her first words] Mr. Tweedy. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Eh? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': What is that chicken doing outside the fence? :'''Willard Tweedy''':[his first words] Oh.''[giggles]'' I don't know, love. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Just deal with it. Now! :''[Melisha slams the door. Willard cowers and carries Ginger to an old coal bunker near the side of the barn]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[to Ginger]'' I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. ''[He throws Ginger inside, then closes the top and turns to the other chickens]'' Now let that be a lesson to the lot of you! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM! ''[He walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Edwina has been sentenced to the chop after she fails to produce any more.]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh no. Edwina. Bunty, why didn't you give her some of yours? :'''Bunty''': I would have. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell anyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty, Babs and another hen sneak towards Hut 17 with knitted masks over them. Bunty bangs the door, and Ginger lets them in when she sees who it is, except for Babs, who just stands there. Ginger then pulls Babs in by her wing]'' :'''Babs''': Ohh! :''[Nick bangs the door, and Ginger looks to see who it is.]'' :'''Nick''': You called? Nick and-- :'''Fetcher''': Fetcher. :'''Nick''': At your service. :''[Ginger comes out the door. Suddenly, she hears dogs barking and sees Mr Tweedy looking out the farmhouse window]'' :'''Ginger''': Over here! :''[She leads Nick and Fetcher to a corner.]'' :'''Ginger''': We need some more things. :'''Nick''': Right you are, Miss! ''[opens a lunchbox and holds up a couple thimbles]'' How about this quality, hand-crafted tea set? :'''Ginger''': Um, no... :'''Fetcher''': ''[holds up a drain plug on a chain]'' Or this lovely necklace and pendant? :'''Ginger''': Well, it's lovely... :'''Nick''': ''[holds up a badminton birdie]'' Or how about this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paris. Simply pop it on like so... ''[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up so that she looks like an Indian]'' And as the French hens say, "Voila!" :'''Fetcher''': That IS French. :'''Nick''': And that's two hats in one, Miss. For parties... ''[turns the birdie over, making it look like a wedding veil]'' ...For weddings! Uh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream. :'''Fetcher''': Like a duck! :''[Nick glares at him]'' :'''Ginger''': No, thank you. ''[takes off the birdie and shows a diagram of a catapult]'' We're making this. We need these things. Can you get them? :'''Nick''': Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh, this is a big job, Miss. Uh, bigger than the other ones. No, no, this is gonna cost. :'''Ginger''': Same as always: one bag of seed. ''[hands Nick a bag of chicken feed]'' :'''Nick''': You call this pay?! :'''Fetcher''': It's chicken feed! :'''Ginger''': What else could we give you? :'''Nick''': Eggs. :'''Ginger''': Eggs?! :'''Fetcher''': Eggs. ''[holds up an egg cup and licks his lips]'' :'''Ginger''': We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable. :'''Nick''': And so are we. ''[packs up to leave]'' After you, Fetcher. :'''Fetcher''': ''[pausely]'' After I what? :'''Nick''': Move! <hr width=50%/> :''[cut to Ginger, slamming the gavel three times]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[on microphone]'' Order! Order! Quiet, everyone! Settle down! I would like to order... Please, if you could just settle-- :'''Fowler''': Quiet here! ''[banging on the table]'' Let's have some discipline in the ranks! What, what! :'''Ginger''': Thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': In my R.A.F days, we were never allowed to waste time unnecessary chitchat. :'''Ginger''': Yes, thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': I... ''[pause]'' Right! ''[chuckling, clears throat, and saluting]'' Carry on. <hr width=50%> :'''Ginger''': Think everyone, think. What haven't we tried yet? :'''Babs''': Uh... :'''Bunty''': We haven't tried NOT trying to escape. :'''Babs''': ''[happily]'' Hmm. That might work. :'''Ginger''': What about Edwina? How many more empty nests will it take? :'''Bunty''': Well, perhaps it wouldn't be empty if she'd spent more time laying and less time escaping! :'''Ginger''': So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, it is guilty? :'''Babs''': It's a living. :'''Ginger''': Do you know what the problem is? The fences aren't just around the farm, they're up here ''[Points to head]''. There is a better place out there, beyond on the hill, outdoors, trees and grass. You imagine it. Cool grass green. :'''Agnes''': And who feeds us? :'''Ginger''': We feed ourselves. :'''Hen''': Where is the farm? :'''Ginger''': There is no farm. :'''Babs''': Then where does the farmer live? :'''Ginger''': There is no farmer, Babs. :'''Babs''': Is he on holiday? :'''Ginger''': He isn't anywhere! Don't you get it? There's no morning head count no farmers, no dogs, no coups and locks and keys, and no fences! :'''Bunty''': In all my life, I've never heard such a fantastic... LOAD OF '''TRIPE.''' ''[The chickens start murmuring]'' Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of US getting out of HERE are 1,000,000 to 1. :'''Ginger''': Then there's still a chance. <hr width=50%/> :''[After everyone is yelling]'' :'''Rocky''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Let's back up and start from the top. Where am I? :'''Ginger''': Uh, you're right, how rude of us. We're just very exci– ''[clears throat]'' This is a chicken farm. :'''Babs''': And we're the chickens. ''[winks]'' :'''Rocky''': Ah, I'm with you so far. Chicken farm, chickens… :'''Fowler''': ''[about Rocky]'' I don't like the look of this one. His eyes are too close together. :'''Ginger''': Fowler, please! :'''Fowler''': And he's a ''yank''! :'''Rocky''': Easy, pops. Cockfighting's illegal where I come from. :'''Bunty''': And where is that, exactly? :'''Rocky''': Ah, just a little place I call The Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave. :'''Mac''': Scotland! :'''Rocky''': No! America! :'''Chickens''': Oooh! America! :'''Fowler''': Poppycock! Pushy Americans, always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and ''over here''! ''[exits Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Hey, what's eatin' Grandpa? :'''Ginger''': Uh, don't mind him, mister… Mister…? :'''Rocky''': The name's Rocky. Rocky the Rhode Island Red. "Rhodes" for short. :'''Agnes''': "Rocky Rhodes"? :'''Rocky''': Catchy, ain't it? :'''Ginger''': Um, Mr. Rhodes, is this you? :'''Rocky''': Uh... who wants to know? :'''Ginger''': A group of rather desperate chickens. You see, if it IS you, then you just might be the answer to our prayers. :''[Rocky nervously looks at the chickens, who giggle anxiously]'' :'''Rocky''': Well, then, call me a miracle, doll face, 'cause that's me. :'''Chickens''': Oooh! :'''Ginger''': ''[Off-screen]'' And what brings you to England, Mr. Rhodes? :'''Rocky''': Why, all the beautiful English chicks, of course. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger makes a speech to the hens with Rocky behind her]'' :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' it was possible. :'''Rocky''': Oh, it's possible alright. :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' the answer would come. :'''Rocky''': Amen! :'''Ginger''': We're all going to FLY over that fence, and Mr Rhodes is going to show us how, right? :'''Rocky''': That's r... W-w-what, did you say "fly"? :'''Ginger''': You can teach us. :'''Rocky''': No, I can't. ''[The other hens sigh in despair]'' Listen. Shh! You hear that? ''[silence]'' That's the open road calling my name and I was born to answer that call. Bye! ''[dashes out the coop]'' :'''Babs''': He must have very good hearing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': So ''that's'' it. You're from the circus. :'''Rocky''': ''[alarmed]'' Shh! :'''Ginger''': You're on the run, aren't you? :'''Rocky''': ''[pulls Ginger behind Hut 17]'' You wanna keep it down?! I'm trying to lay low here! :'''Ginger''': I should turn you in right now! :'''Rocky''': You wouldn't… would you? :'''Ginger''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't. :'''Rocky''': Because I'm… cute? ''[Ginger stares at him and squawks loudly, he quickly clamps her beak shut]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What kind of crazy chick are you? Do you know what'll happen if he finds me?! :'''Ginger''': It's a cruel world. :'''Rocky''': I've just decided, I don't like you. :'''Ginger''': I've just decided, I don't care. Now show us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': With this wing?! :'''Ginger''': ''Teach'' us, then! :'''Rocky''': No! :''[Ginger squawks again]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Smiles]'' He's valuable, you say? :'''Circus Man''': Sure. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[to Mr Tweedy]'' Get the torch. :'''Rocky''': ''[clamps her beak shut again]'' Now you listen here, sister. I'm not going back to that life! I'm a lone free ranger; emphasis on "free"! :'''Ginger''': And that's what ''we'' want - freedom! ''[Rocky notices the Tweedys approaching]'' Fancy that, they're coming this way. :'''Rocky''': Uh, no! Uh, no, they're after me! :'''Ginger''': Teach us to fly, and we'll hide you. :'''Rocky''': And if I don't...? ''[Ginger starts to squawk again when Rocky clamp her beak shut this instant she does]'' Was your father, by any chance, a ''vulture''?! :'''Ginger''': Do we have a deal? ''[Offers her wing to seal the deal. Rocky reluctantly agrees and Ginger pulls him behind Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Time to make good on that deal, doll– :'''Ginger''': ''[grabs his beak]'' The ''name''... is Ginger. ''[knocks on the wall of Hut 17. A hidden door opens and two chickens grab her and Rocky and take them inside]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Fowler is forced to share his bunk in Hut 1 with Rocky]'' :'''Fowler''': Absolutely outrageous! Asking a senior officer to share his quarters! And with a non-commissioned Yank, no less! Why, back in my day, I'd never... :'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, you weren't exactly ''my'' first choice either. And scoot over! Your wing's on my side of the bunk. :'''Fowler''': ''Your'' side of the bunk!? The '''''whole''' bunk'' is ''my'' side of the bunk! :'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[snapping back]'' Just... What's that smell, is that your ''breath''? :'''Fowler''': ''[grumbling]'' It's absolutely outrageous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rocky''': So, you wanna fly? Well, it ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna happen overnight either. You see, flying takes three things - hard work, perseverance and... hard work. :'''Fowler''': You said "hard work" twice! :'''Rocky''': That's because it takes twice as much work as perseverance. ''[licks a feather and shows it to the hens, making all of them except Ginger laugh]'' :'''Fowler''': Codswallop! ''[muttering]'' Cocky Yanks think that they know it all... ''[goes back into Hut 1]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': I thought you were going to teach us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': That's what I'm doing. :'''Ginger''': ''[chuckles]'' Isn't there usually some flapping involved? :'''Rocky''': Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs? Relax. We're making progress. :'''Ginger''': Really? I can't help feeling we're going round in circles. ''[points to the chickens, who are indeed, spinning around in circles]'' :'''Rocky''': What the...? Hey! Cut it out! You're making ''me'' dizzy! ''[The chickens stop, and start wobble around uneasily and toppling over]'' Yeah. I think they're ready to fly now. :'''Ginger''': Good, 'cause they certainly can't WALK anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet, like... :'''Fetcher''': ''[interrupting]'' Like a fish! :'''Nick''': Yeah, and we- ''[pauses]'' Like a FISH? You stupid Norbert. <hr width=50%/> :''[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Oh! What kind of pies? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Apple. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[excited]'' My favorite! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[forcefully]'' '''Chicken''' pies, you great lummox! ''[calmly]'' Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer's in the county will be stocked with box upon box of "Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies". :'''Willard Tweedy''': Just "Missus"? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh, right. How does it work? ''[about to pull the gearshift]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[slaps Mr. Tweedy on the hand]'' Get me a chicken and I'll show you. :'''Willard Tweedy''': I know just the one. ''[He walks out to get Ginger]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty dances with Fowler]'' :'''Nick''': ''[to Fetcher, sobbing]'' What are you sobbing about, you nancy? :'''Fetcher''': Little moments like this, mate. It's what makes the job all worthwhile. ''[to Nick, putting a red light in]'' Wanna dance? :'''Nick''': Yeah, all right. <hr width=50%/> :''[The chickens are finding out on a poster that Rocky can't fly.]'' :'''Mac''': Oh, a cannon. Aye, that would give you thrust. :'''Bunty''': I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American. :'''Mac''': So, what's the next plan, hen? :'''Ginger''': ''[sighs]'' Let's face it. The only way out of here is wrapped in pastry. :'''Babs''': Perhaps, he just went on holiday. :'''Bunty''': Perhaps, he just wanted to get away from your infernal knitting! ''[angrily snatches Babs' knitting and stamps it in the mud]'' :'''Mac''': You were always the one that was always hitting him. See how you like it! ''[pushes Bunty]'' :'''Bunty''' Don't push me, four eyes! :''[They start fighting, but Fowler enters.]'' :'''Fowler''': Quiet there! Quiet, I say! Dissension in the ranks. Precisely what Jerry would have wanted. The old divide and conquer. A proper squadron work together, like we did in my R.A.F. days. Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, and old Whizzbang at the tail-end Charlie. WingCo would give the call, hop in the old crate, chocks away! Wizard show it was. ''[shows Bunty his air-force medal]'' That's how you get medals. :'''Bunty''': ''[enraged]'' Oh. Will you shut up about your '''STUPID, BLOOMING ''MEDALS?!?!''''' :''[Bunty furiously slaps the air-force medal out of Fowler's hand and it lands in front of Ginger in the mud, the chickens gasp at it.]'' :'''Fowler''': '''''HOW DARE YOU!''''' ''[angrily hits Bunty with his cane]'' Madam, forgive me. A-As an officer, I offer my most-- :''[Bunty punches Fowler and all the chickens starts fighting in the mud. Ginger sees the air-force medal and picks it up.]'' :'''Ginger''': Fowler. ''[turns to the chickens fighting in the mud]'' Everyone! '''''SHUT UP!''''' :''[All the chickens stop fighting, with Babs holding on the leg by the mouth, long pause]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[clears throat]'' Fowler, what exactly is the R.A.F.? :'''Fowler''': ''[pulls his face out of the mud]'' What do you mean, what is it? ''[salutes]'' The Royal Air Force is what! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Ginger''': Then what's the "old crate"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[enters]'' Get the chickens. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Which ones? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': All of them. ''[switches to max level on the pie machine]'' :''[The chickens' plane-building has just been discovered by Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Mr. Tweedy''': Me tools! Why, you thieving little buggers! :'''Mac''': ''[whispers]'' What's the plan? :''[Mr. Tweedy stares down Ginger for a few seconds.]'' :'''Ginger''': '''ATTACK!!''' ''[Cut to close up Mr. Tweedy]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[as Ginger is doing literally that]'' Nice plan! :''[the chickens looks as they drop their tools. Cut to all of them swarming Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[being attacked by the chickens]'' '''MRS. TWEEDY! AHH! MRS. TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!''' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically, with her back turned she not paying attention]'' Finally, something we agree on. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[still being attacked by the chickens]'' '''HELP MRS. TW...''' ''[muffled, falls down]'' :'''Ginger''': Under the hut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Listen. We'll either die free chickens or die trying. :'''Babs''': Are those the only choices? <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': ''[aboard the flying machine]'' The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and- :'''Fetcher''': Kiss your bum goodbye! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Alright, Fowler! Ready for take-off! :'''Fowler''': Behind you all the way! :'''Ginger''': But... you're supposed to be up there! ''[points to the cockpit]'' You're the pilot! :'''Fowler''': Don't be ridiculous. I can't fly this contraption. :'''Ginger''': But... but back in your day. The Royal Air Force. :'''Fowler''': [[w:No. 644 Squadron RAF|644 Squadron]], Poultry Division! We were the mascots. :'''Ginger''': You mean you never actually FLEW the plane!? :'''Fowler''': Good heavens, no! I'm a CHICKEN! The Royal Air Force doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft! :''[The chickens hear this and start chattering in a panic.]'' :'''Hen''': We're all gonna die! :'''Ginger''': You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day! :'''Bunty''': You can do it, you old sausage. :''[Fowler pulls himself together, stands and salutes.]'' :'''Fowler''': Wing Commander T.I. Fowler reporting for duty. ''[The hens cheer; Fowler impatiently talks over them, heading for the cockpit.]'' Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get this crate off the ground! <hr width=50%/> :''[On the flying machine]'' :'''Fowler''': We need more power! :'''Mac''': [[w:Montgomery Scott|I cannae work miracles, Cap'n! We're giving her all she's got!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger slaps Rocky]'' :'''Ginger''': THAT'S for leaving. ''[pulls him close]'' And THIS is for coming back. :''[Loud nose occurs, the crate is pulled down slightly and the chickens scream]'' :'''Fowler''': Great Scott! What was that? :'''Mac''': A [[w:Klingon|cling-on]], Cap'n. And the engines can't take it! :''[Melisha Tweedy snarls Rocky and Ginger gasps]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh my goodness. Babs! Scissors! :'''Babs''':[knit toothbrush lipstick scissor] Bingo! :'''Ginger''': Lower me down. :'''Rocky''': But... Ginger... :'''Ginger''': Just do it. :'''Fowler''': Increase velocity! :'''Babs''': What does that mean? :'''Bunty''': It means '''''PEDAL YOUR FLIPPIN' GIBLETS OUT!!''''' :''[Melisha Tweedy she climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': LOWER! :'''Rocky''': I'm trying! :''[Melisha Tweedy she continue climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': [billboard] FOWLER! LOOK OUT! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! ''[She raising her axe. But then Rocky Starts firing eggs at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Rocky''': FIRE! FIRE! :'''Fetcher''': Oh, me eggs. ''[Ginger loses Babs' scissors]'' :'''Rocky''': MORE AMMO, HURRY! :'''Nick''': WE'VE GOT NO MORE EGGS! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Snarling. Melisha Tweedy breaks the wire with axe and Ginger fakes her death]'' :'''Rocky''': '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' ''[Ginger she ducks and cover looks up at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Groans. Ginger reveals the broken Christmas lights in front of Melisha Tweedy]'' HUH?! :'''Ginger''': Bye-bye! ''[Melisha Tweedy screams after her side of the wire is lets go]'' :'''Fowler''': BOMBS AWAY! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her last words]'' MR TWEEDY!!! ''[All the chickens cheer for victory]'' :'''Rocky''': Oh, that was good, that was GOOD! :'''Fowler''': The Old Bird bought it! ''[laughing]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweed-- ''(Oh, no!) [Melisha Tweedy shrieking and gasping. Willard Tweedy closed the door slowing down and pie machine explodes] (Look out for exploded!)'' :'''Rocky and Ginger''': WHOA! ''[Gravy leaks down the door]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his last words]'' I told you they was organized. ''(Right?) [Melisha Tweedy she gets angrilyisherer and willard he pushes the door is falls flat on her as chickens are victory]'' :'''Ginger''': We did it everyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Nick''': 'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat. :'''Fetcher''': Right. We'll need a chicken then. :'''Nick''': No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from. :'''Fetcher''': No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where you gonna get an egg? :'''Nick''': From the chicken that comes from the egg. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken. :'''Nick''': Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then the egg, you get the chicken out. :'''Fetcher''': Hang on. Let's go over this again. ''[The screen puts up, "The End", then the credits scene]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Very last lines, the screen puts up, "The End", then the bonus credits scene]'' :'''Nick''': The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then? :'''Nick''': What do you mean, where'd it come from? :'''Fetcher''': Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along. :'''Nick''': Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place. :'''Fetcher''': So we got two eggs now? :'''Nick''': No, we're still talking about the very first egg. :'''Fetcher''': But what happened about the very first chicken? :'''Nick''': He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'? :'''Rocky''': Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here. :'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, guv. :'''Fetcher''': Beg your pardon. :'''Nick''': Won't happen again. :'''Rocky''': Thanks. :'''Nick''': Gitface. :'''Fetcher''': Pillock. :'''Nick''': Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are. :'''Nick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work, he gets all the credits. :'''Fetcher''': But he does get all the birds. He gets everything. :'''Nick''': Yes, he does. Everything. :'''Fetcher''': You said it, mate. :'''Nick''': I know. ==Deleted Dialogues== :''[Melisha Tweedy grabs the wire and both Rocky and Ginger walk slowly up to the rear]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh No. SHES GRABBED ON! :'''Wally The Rooster''': COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! ==Taglines== * This Ain't No Chick Flick! * Escape or Die Frying. * A Few Good Hen. * There's Nothing More Determined Than Poultry With A Plan. * She's Poultry In Motion. * Feathers Will Fly! * The Lone Free Ranger. * It's Chicken Impossible. * A Chicken Will Rise! * The Cluck Stops Here. * Run, Don't Walk! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Julia Sawalha|Julia Sawalha]] — Ginger the Hen * [[Mel Gibson]] — Rocky the Rooster * [[w:Lynn Ferguson|Lynn Ferguson]] — Mac * [[w:Jane Horrocks|Jane Horrocks]] — Babs * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] — Bunty * [[w:Benjamin Whitrow|Benjamin Whitrow]] — Fowler * [[w:Phil Daniels|Phil Daniels]] — Fetcher * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] — Nick * [[w:Tony Haygarth|Tony Haygarth]] — Willard Tweedy * [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] — Melisha Tweedy * [[w:John Sharian|John Sharian]] — Ringmaster * Jo Allen, [[w:Lisa Kay|Lisa Kay]] and Laura Strachan — Additional Chickens == Rolleliste == * Rocky – Søren Pilmark * Ginger – Annette Heick * Mac – Jette Sievertsen * Babs – Trine Pallesen * Mr Tweedy – Per Pallesen * Mrs Tweedy – Anne Marie Helger * Fowler – John Hahn-Petersen * Fetcher – Torben Zeller * Nick – Claus Bue * Bunty – Ellen Hillingsø ==== I mindre roller ==== * Vibeke Dueholm * Louise Engell * Puk Scharbau * Lars Thiesgaard * Julian T. Kellermann * Helene W. Moe ==== Technical Credits ==== * Instruktør – Lars Thiesgaard * Oversættelse – Hans Kristian Bang * Producer – Svend Christiansen ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0120630| title=Chicken Run}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=chicken_run | title=Chicken Run}} * [http://www.aardman.com/chickenrun/ The official site] {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:2000s British animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:British animated films]] [[Category:Stop-motion animated films]] [[Category:British children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:British children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Prison films]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Chicken Run (franchise)]] [[Category:Films about farming]] p3loemc36hccq82rf35qo9wbebwbyfi 3944281 3944280 2026-05-22T20:55:38Z ~2026-30783-26 3327539 /* Dialogue */ 3944281 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Chicken Run}}''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] British [[w:Clay animation|clay animation]] film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], [[w:Aardman Animations|Aardman]] and [[w:Pathé|Pathé]] and distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], This is a story about a band of chickens who seek escape from their coop before their owners, mild-mannered egg farmer Mr. Tweedy and his overbearing wife, make them all into chicken pot pies. '''''[[Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget]]''''' was a sequel in [[w:2023 in film|2023]]. :''Directed and written by [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]] and [[w:Nick Park|Nick Park]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and John Powell.'' {{center|'''This Ain't No Chick Flick!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Model Stalag Luft III.jpg|thumb|"Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of ''us'' getting out of ''here'' are 1,000,000 to 1."<br />"Then there's still a chance."]] [[File:US-58-from-Corinth-Cemetery-va.jpg|thumb|"You hear that? That's the open road calling my name, and I was born to answer that call. Bye!"<br />"He must have very good hearing."]] [[File:RAF-Badge.svg|thumb|"You mean you never actually ''flew'' the plane?"<br />"Good heavens, no! I'm a ''chicken''! The '''R'''oyal '''A'''ir '''F'''orce doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!"]] [[File:Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Members' day 2018 MOD 45164718.jpg|thumb|"You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!"]] ==Dialogue== :''[Mr. Willard Tweedy walks with the dogs by a flashlight, then shakes a lock, then continues to walk with the dogs. A hen named Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence. But they make a loud noise once they come to the fence]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[loud whispering]'' Shush! :'''Babs''': ''[whimpers]'' :''[Bunty tries to get under the fence, but she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]'' :'''Bunty''': I'm stuck! :''[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence. But Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]'' :'''Ginger''': Get back! :''[They all pull her out of the fence, with Ginger pushing, and then lay down. Ginger runs away from the dog, followed by Mr. Tweedy. The dog continues running at Ginger, then another dog runs at her, chasing her by the door. The dogs walk up the stairs and then touch a gnome. The dogs walk up. Ginger grabs a garden gnome to fend them off. The dog bites the gnome's head off. Then suddenly the doors open. The dogs cower. Ginger spins around to find Melisha Tweedy, Mr. Tweedy's wife, her face icy and expressionless]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''':[her first words] Mr. Tweedy. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Eh? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': What is that chicken doing outside the fence? :'''Willard Tweedy''':[his first words] Oh.''[giggles]'' I don't know, love. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Just deal with it. Now! :''[Melisha slams the door. Willard cowers and carries Ginger to an old coal bunker near the side of the barn]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[to Ginger]'' I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. ''[He throws Ginger inside, then closes the top and turns to the other chickens]'' Now let that be a lesson to the lot of you! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM! ''[He walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Edwina has been sentenced to the chop after she fails to produce any more.]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh no. Edwina. Bunty, why didn't you give her some of yours? :'''Bunty''': I would have. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell anyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty, Babs and another hen sneak towards Hut 17 with knitted masks over them. Bunty bangs the door, and Ginger lets them in when she sees who it is, except for Babs, who just stands there. Ginger then pulls Babs in by her wing]'' :'''Babs''': Ohh! :''[Nick bangs the door, and Ginger looks to see who it is.]'' :'''Nick''': You called? Nick and-- :'''Fetcher''': Fetcher. :'''Nick''': At your service. :''[Ginger comes out the door. Suddenly, she hears dogs barking and sees Mr Tweedy looking out the farmhouse window]'' :'''Ginger''': Over here! :''[She leads Nick and Fetcher to a corner.]'' :'''Ginger''': We need some more things. :'''Nick''': Right you are, Miss! ''[opens a lunchbox and holds up a couple thimbles]'' How about this quality, hand-crafted tea set? :'''Ginger''': Um, no... :'''Fetcher''': ''[holds up a drain plug on a chain]'' Or this lovely necklace and pendant? :'''Ginger''': Well, it's lovely... :'''Nick''': ''[holds up a badminton birdie]'' Or how about this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paris. Simply pop it on like so... ''[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up so that she looks like an Indian]'' And as the French hens say, "Voila!" :'''Fetcher''': That IS French. :'''Nick''': And that's two hats in one, Miss. For parties... ''[turns the birdie over, making it look like a wedding veil]'' ...For weddings! Uh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream. :'''Fetcher''': Like a duck! :''[Nick glares at him]'' :'''Ginger''': No, thank you. ''[takes off the birdie and shows a diagram of a catapult]'' We're making this. We need these things. Can you get them? :'''Nick''': Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh, this is a big job, Miss. Uh, bigger than the other ones. No, no, this is gonna cost. :'''Ginger''': Same as always: one bag of seed. ''[hands Nick a bag of chicken feed]'' :'''Nick''': You call this pay?! :'''Fetcher''': It's chicken feed! :'''Ginger''': What else could we give you? :'''Nick''': Eggs. :'''Ginger''': Eggs?! :'''Fetcher''': Eggs. ''[holds up an egg cup and licks his lips]'' :'''Ginger''': We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable. :'''Nick''': And so are we. ''[packs up to leave]'' After you, Fetcher. :'''Fetcher''': ''[pausely]'' After I what? :'''Nick''': Move! <hr width=50%/> :''[cut to Ginger, slamming the gavel three times]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[on microphone]'' Order! Order! Quiet, everyone! Settle down! I would like to order... Please, if you could just settle-- :'''Fowler''': Quiet here! ''[banging on the table]'' Let's have some discipline in the ranks! What, what! :'''Ginger''': Thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': In my R.A.F days, we were never allowed to waste time unnecessary chitchat. :'''Ginger''': Yes, thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': I... ''[pause]'' Right! ''[chuckling, clears throat, and saluting]'' Carry on. <hr width=50%> :'''Ginger''': Think everyone, think. What haven't we tried yet? :'''Babs''': Uh... :'''Bunty''': We haven't tried NOT trying to escape. :'''Babs''': ''[happily]'' Hmm. That might work. :'''Ginger''': What about Edwina? How many more empty nests will it take? :'''Bunty''': Well, perhaps it wouldn't be empty if she'd spent more time laying and less time escaping! :'''Ginger''': So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, it is guilty? :'''Babs''': It's a living. :'''Ginger''': Do you know what the problem is? The fences aren't just around the farm, they're up here ''[Points to head]''. There is a better place out there, beyond on the hill, outdoors, trees and grass. You imagine it. Cool grass green. :'''Agnes''': And who feeds us? :'''Ginger''': We feed ourselves. :'''Hen''': Where is the farm? :'''Ginger''': There is no farm. :'''Babs''': Then where does the farmer live? :'''Ginger''': There is no farmer, Babs. :'''Babs''': Is he on holiday? :'''Ginger''': He isn't anywhere! Don't you get it? There's no morning head count no farmers, no dogs, no coups and locks and keys, and no fences! :'''Bunty''': In all my life, I've never heard such a fantastic... LOAD OF '''TRIPE.''' ''[The chickens start murmuring]'' Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of US getting out of HERE are 1,000,000 to 1. :'''Ginger''': Then there's still a chance. <hr width=50%/> :''[After everyone is yelling]'' :'''Rocky''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Let's back up and start from the top. Where am I? :'''Ginger''': Uh, you're right, how rude of us. We're just very exci– ''[clears throat]'' This is a chicken farm. :'''Babs''': And we're the chickens. ''[winks]'' :'''Rocky''': Ah, I'm with you so far. Chicken farm, chickens… :'''Fowler''': ''[about Rocky]'' I don't like the look of this one. His eyes are too close together. :'''Ginger''': Fowler, please! :'''Fowler''': And he's a ''yank''! :'''Rocky''': Easy, pops. Cockfighting's illegal where I come from. :'''Bunty''': And where is that, exactly? :'''Rocky''': Ah, just a little place I call The Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave. :'''Mac''': Scotland! :'''Rocky''': No! America! :'''Chickens''': Oooh! America! :'''Fowler''': Poppycock! Pushy Americans, always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and ''over here''! ''[exits Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Hey, what's eatin' Grandpa? :'''Ginger''': Uh, don't mind him, mister… Mister…? :'''Rocky''': The name's Rocky. Rocky the Rhode Island Red. "Rhodes" for short. :'''Agnes''': "Rocky Rhodes"? :'''Rocky''': Catchy, ain't it? :'''Ginger''': Um, Mr. Rhodes, is this you? :'''Rocky''': Uh... who wants to know? :'''Ginger''': A group of rather desperate chickens. You see, if it IS you, then you just might be the answer to our prayers. :''[Rocky nervously looks at the chickens, who giggle anxiously]'' :'''Rocky''': Well, then, call me a miracle, doll face, 'cause that's me. :'''Chickens''': Oooh! :'''Ginger''': ''[Off-screen]'' And what brings you to England, Mr. Rhodes? :'''Rocky''': Why, all the beautiful English chicks, of course. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger makes a speech to the hens with Rocky behind her]'' :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' it was possible. :'''Rocky''': Oh, it's possible alright. :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' the answer would come. :'''Rocky''': Amen! :'''Ginger''': We're all going to FLY over that fence, and Mr Rhodes is going to show us how, right? :'''Rocky''': That's r... W-w-what, did you say "fly"? :'''Ginger''': You can teach us. :'''Rocky''': No, I can't. ''[The other hens sigh in despair]'' Listen. Shh! You hear that? ''[silence]'' That's the open road calling my name and I was born to answer that call. Bye! ''[dashes out the coop]'' :'''Babs''': He must have very good hearing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': So ''that's'' it. You're from the circus. :'''Rocky''': ''[alarmed]'' Shh! :'''Ginger''': You're on the run, aren't you? :'''Rocky''': ''[pulls Ginger behind Hut 17]'' You wanna keep it down?! I'm trying to lay low here! :'''Ginger''': I should turn you in right now! :'''Rocky''': You wouldn't… would you? :'''Ginger''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't. :'''Rocky''': Because I'm… cute? ''[Ginger stares at him and squawks loudly, he quickly clamps her beak shut]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What kind of crazy chick are you? Do you know what'll happen if he finds me?! :'''Ginger''': It's a cruel world. :'''Rocky''': I've just decided, I don't like you. :'''Ginger''': I've just decided, I don't care. Now show us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': With this wing?! :'''Ginger''': ''Teach'' us, then! :'''Rocky''': No! :''[Ginger squawks again]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Smiles]'' He's valuable, you say? :'''Circus Man''': Sure. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[to Mr Tweedy]'' Get the torch. :'''Rocky''': ''[clamps her beak shut again]'' Now you listen here, sister. I'm not going back to that life! I'm a lone free ranger; emphasis on "free"! :'''Ginger''': And that's what ''we'' want - freedom! ''[Rocky notices the Tweedys approaching]'' Fancy that, they're coming this way. :'''Rocky''': Uh, no! Uh, no, they're after me! :'''Ginger''': Teach us to fly, and we'll hide you. :'''Rocky''': And if I don't...? ''[Ginger starts to squawk again when Rocky clamp her beak shut this instant she does]'' Was your father, by any chance, a ''vulture''?! :'''Ginger''': Do we have a deal? ''[Offers her wing to seal the deal. Rocky reluctantly agrees and Ginger pulls him behind Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Time to make good on that deal, doll– :'''Ginger''': ''[grabs his beak]'' The ''name''... is Ginger. ''[knocks on the wall of Hut 17. A hidden door opens and two chickens grab her and Rocky and take them inside]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Fowler is forced to share his bunk in Hut 1 with Rocky]'' :'''Fowler''': Absolutely outrageous! Asking a senior officer to share his quarters! And with a non-commissioned Yank, no less! Why, back in my day, I'd never... :'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, you weren't exactly ''my'' first choice either. And scoot over! Your wing's on my side of the bunk. :'''Fowler''': ''Your'' side of the bunk!? The '''''whole''' bunk'' is ''my'' side of the bunk! :'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[snapping back]'' Just... What's that smell, is that your ''breath''? :'''Fowler''': ''[grumbling]'' It's absolutely outrageous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rocky''': So, you wanna fly? Well, it ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna happen overnight either. You see, flying takes three things - hard work, perseverance and... hard work. :'''Fowler''': You said "hard work" twice! :'''Rocky''': That's because it takes twice as much work as perseverance. ''[licks a feather and shows it to the hens, making all of them except Ginger laugh]'' :'''Fowler''': Codswallop! ''[muttering]'' Cocky Yanks think that they know it all... ''[goes back into Hut 1]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': I thought you were going to teach us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': That's what I'm doing. :'''Ginger''': ''[chuckles]'' Isn't there usually some flapping involved? :'''Rocky''': Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs? Relax. We're making progress. :'''Ginger''': Really? I can't help feeling we're going round in circles. ''[points to the chickens, who are indeed, spinning around in circles]'' :'''Rocky''': What the...? Hey! Cut it out! You're making ''me'' dizzy! ''[The chickens stop, and start wobble around uneasily and toppling over]'' Yeah. I think they're ready to fly now. :'''Ginger''': Good, 'cause they certainly can't WALK anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet, like... :'''Fetcher''': ''[interrupting]'' Like a fish! :'''Nick''': Yeah, and we- ''[pauses]'' Like a FISH? You stupid Norbert. <hr width=50%/> :''[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Oh! What kind of pies? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Apple. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[excited]'' My favorite! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[forcefully]'' '''Chicken''' pies, you great lummox! ''[calmly]'' Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer's in the county will be stocked with box upon box of "Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies". :'''Willard Tweedy''': Just "Missus"? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh, right. How does it work? ''[about to pull the gearshift]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[slaps Mr. Tweedy on the hand]'' Get me a chicken and I'll show you. :'''Willard Tweedy''': I know just the one. ''[He walks out to get Ginger]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty dances with Fowler]'' :'''Nick''': ''[to Fetcher, sobbing]'' What are you sobbing about, you nancy? :'''Fetcher''': Little moments like this, mate. It's what makes the job all worthwhile. ''[to Nick, putting a red light in]'' Wanna dance? :'''Nick''': Yeah, all right. <hr width=50%/> :''[The chickens are finding out on a poster that Rocky can't fly.]'' :'''Mac''': Oh, a cannon. Aye, that would give you thrust. :'''Bunty''': I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American. :'''Mac''': So, what's the next plan, hen? :'''Ginger''': ''[sighs]'' Let's face it. The only way out of here is wrapped in pastry. :'''Babs''': Perhaps, he just went on holiday. :'''Bunty''': Perhaps, he just wanted to get away from your infernal knitting! ''[angrily snatches Babs' knitting and stamps it in the mud]'' :'''Mac''': You were always the one that was always hitting him. See how you like it! ''[pushes Bunty]'' :'''Bunty''' Don't push me, four eyes! :''[They start fighting, but Fowler enters.]'' :'''Fowler''': Quiet there! Quiet, I say! Dissension in the ranks. Precisely what Jerry would have wanted. The old divide and conquer. A proper squadron work together, like we did in my R.A.F. days. Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, and old Whizzbang at the tail-end Charlie. WingCo would give the call, hop in the old crate, chocks away! Wizard show it was. ''[shows Bunty his air-force medal]'' That's how you get medals. :'''Bunty''': ''[enraged]'' Oh. Will you shut up about your '''STUPID, BLOOMING ''MEDALS?!?!''''' :''[Bunty furiously slaps the air-force medal out of Fowler's hand and it lands in front of Ginger in the mud, the chickens gasp at it.]'' :'''Fowler''': '''''HOW DARE YOU!''''' ''[angrily hits Bunty with his cane]'' Madam, forgive me. A-As an officer, I offer my most-- :''[Bunty punches Fowler and all the chickens starts fighting in the mud. Ginger sees the air-force medal and picks it up.]'' :'''Ginger''': Fowler. ''[turns to the chickens fighting in the mud]'' Everyone! '''''SHUT UP!''''' :''[All the chickens stop fighting, with Babs holding on the leg by the mouth, long pause]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[clears throat]'' Fowler, what exactly is the R.A.F.? :'''Fowler''': ''[pulls his face out of the mud]'' What do you mean, what is it? ''[salutes]'' The Royal Air Force is what! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Ginger''': Then what's the "old crate"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[enters]'' Get the chickens. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Which ones? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': All of them. ''[switches to max level on the pie machine]'' :''[The chickens' plane-building has just been discovered by Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Mr. Tweedy''': Me tools! Why, you thieving little buggers! :'''Mac''': ''[whispers]'' What's the plan? :''[Mr. Tweedy stares down Ginger for a few seconds.]'' :'''Ginger''': '''ATTACK!!''' ''[Cut to close up Mr. Tweedy]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[as Ginger is doing literally that]'' Nice plan! :''[the chickens looks as they drop their tools. Cut to all of them swarming Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[being attacked by the chickens]'' '''MRS. TWEEDY! AHH! MRS. TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!''' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically, with her back turned she not paying attention]'' Finally, something we agree on. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[still being attacked by the chickens]'' '''HELP MRS. TW...''' ''[muffled, falls down]'' :'''Ginger''': Under the hut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Listen. We'll either die free chickens or die trying. :'''Babs''': Are those the only choices? <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': ''[aboard the flying machine]'' The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and- :'''Fetcher''': Kiss your bum goodbye! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Alright, Fowler! Ready for take-off! :'''Fowler''': Behind you all the way! :'''Ginger''': But... you're supposed to be up there! ''[points to the cockpit]'' You're the pilot! :'''Fowler''': Don't be ridiculous. I can't fly this contraption. :'''Ginger''': But... but back in your day. The Royal Air Force. :'''Fowler''': [[w:No. 644 Squadron RAF|644 Squadron]], Poultry Division! We were the mascots. :'''Ginger''': You mean you never actually FLEW the plane!? :'''Fowler''': Good heavens, no! I'm a CHICKEN! The Royal Air Force doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft! :''[The chickens hear this and start chattering in a panic.]'' :'''Hen''': We're all gonna die! :'''Ginger''': You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day! :'''Bunty''': You can do it, you old sausage. :''[Fowler pulls himself together, stands and salutes.]'' :'''Fowler''': Wing Commander T.I. Fowler reporting for duty. ''[The hens cheer; Fowler impatiently talks over them, heading for the cockpit.]'' Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get this crate off the ground! <hr width=50%/> :''[On the flying machine]'' :'''Fowler''': We need more power! :'''Mac''': [[w:Montgomery Scott|I cannae work miracles, Cap'n! We're giving her all she's got!]] <hr width=50%> :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[coldly]'' Put the ramp down. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger slaps Rocky]'' :'''Ginger''': THAT'S for leaving. ''[pulls him close]'' And THIS is for coming back. :''[Loud nose occurs, the crate is pulled down slightly and the chickens scream]'' :'''Fowler''': Great Scott! What was that? :'''Mac''': A [[w:Klingon|cling-on]], Cap'n. And the engines can't take it! :''[Melisha Tweedy snarls Rocky and Ginger gasps]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh my goodness. Babs! Scissors! :'''Babs''':[knit toothbrush lipstick scissor] Bingo! :'''Ginger''': Lower me down. :'''Rocky''': But... Ginger... :'''Ginger''': Just do it. :'''Fowler''': Increase velocity! :'''Babs''': What does that mean? :'''Bunty''': It means '''''PEDAL YOUR FLIPPIN' GIBLETS OUT!!''''' :''[Melisha Tweedy she climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': LOWER! :'''Rocky''': I'm trying! :''[Melisha Tweedy she continue climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': [billboard] FOWLER! LOOK OUT! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! ''[She raising her axe. But then Rocky Starts firing eggs at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Rocky''': FIRE! FIRE! :'''Fetcher''': Oh, me eggs. ''[Ginger loses Babs' scissors]'' :'''Rocky''': MORE AMMO, HURRY! :'''Nick''': WE'VE GOT NO MORE EGGS! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Snarling. Melisha Tweedy breaks the wire with axe and Ginger fakes her death]'' :'''Rocky''': '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' ''[Ginger she ducks and cover looks up at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Groans. Ginger reveals the broken Christmas lights in front of Melisha Tweedy]'' HUH?! :'''Ginger''': Bye-bye! ''[Melisha Tweedy screams after her side of the wire is lets go]'' :'''Fowler''': BOMBS AWAY! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her last words]'' MR TWEEDY!!! ''[All the chickens cheer for victory]'' :'''Rocky''': Oh, that was good, that was GOOD! :'''Fowler''': The Old Bird bought it! ''[laughing]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweed-- ''(Oh, no!) [Melisha Tweedy shrieking and gasping. Willard Tweedy closed the door slowing down and pie machine explodes] (Look out for exploded!)'' :'''Rocky and Ginger''': WHOA! ''[Gravy leaks down the door]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his last words]'' I told you they was organized. ''(Right?) [Melisha Tweedy she gets angrilyisherer and willard he pushes the door is falls flat on her as chickens are victory]'' :'''Ginger''': We did it everyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Nick''': 'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat. :'''Fetcher''': Right. We'll need a chicken then. :'''Nick''': No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from. :'''Fetcher''': No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where you gonna get an egg? :'''Nick''': From the chicken that comes from the egg. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken. :'''Nick''': Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then the egg, you get the chicken out. :'''Fetcher''': Hang on. Let's go over this again. ''[The screen puts up, "The End", then the credits scene]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Very last lines, the screen puts up, "The End", then the bonus credits scene]'' :'''Nick''': The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then? :'''Nick''': What do you mean, where'd it come from? :'''Fetcher''': Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along. :'''Nick''': Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place. :'''Fetcher''': So we got two eggs now? :'''Nick''': No, we're still talking about the very first egg. :'''Fetcher''': But what happened about the very first chicken? :'''Nick''': He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'? :'''Rocky''': Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here. :'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, guv. :'''Fetcher''': Beg your pardon. :'''Nick''': Won't happen again. :'''Rocky''': Thanks. :'''Nick''': Gitface. :'''Fetcher''': Pillock. :'''Nick''': Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are. :'''Nick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work, he gets all the credits. :'''Fetcher''': But he does get all the birds. He gets everything. :'''Nick''': Yes, he does. Everything. :'''Fetcher''': You said it, mate. :'''Nick''': I know. ==Deleted Dialogues== :''[Melisha Tweedy grabs the wire and both Rocky and Ginger walk slowly up to the rear]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh No. SHES GRABBED ON! :'''Wally The Rooster''': COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! ==Taglines== * This Ain't No Chick Flick! * Escape or Die Frying. * A Few Good Hen. * There's Nothing More Determined Than Poultry With A Plan. * She's Poultry In Motion. * Feathers Will Fly! * The Lone Free Ranger. * It's Chicken Impossible. * A Chicken Will Rise! * The Cluck Stops Here. * Run, Don't Walk! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Julia Sawalha|Julia Sawalha]] — Ginger the Hen * [[Mel Gibson]] — Rocky the Rooster * [[w:Lynn Ferguson|Lynn Ferguson]] — Mac * [[w:Jane Horrocks|Jane Horrocks]] — Babs * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] — Bunty * [[w:Benjamin Whitrow|Benjamin Whitrow]] — Fowler * [[w:Phil Daniels|Phil Daniels]] — Fetcher * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] — Nick * [[w:Tony Haygarth|Tony Haygarth]] — Willard Tweedy * [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] — Melisha Tweedy * [[w:John Sharian|John Sharian]] — Ringmaster * Jo Allen, [[w:Lisa Kay|Lisa Kay]] and Laura Strachan — Additional Chickens == Rolleliste == * Rocky – Søren Pilmark * Ginger – Annette Heick * Mac – Jette Sievertsen * Babs – Trine Pallesen * Mr Tweedy – Per Pallesen * Mrs Tweedy – Anne Marie Helger * Fowler – John Hahn-Petersen * Fetcher – Torben Zeller * Nick – Claus Bue * Bunty – Ellen Hillingsø ==== I mindre roller ==== * Vibeke Dueholm * Louise Engell * Puk Scharbau * Lars Thiesgaard * Julian T. Kellermann * Helene W. Moe ==== Technical Credits ==== * Instruktør – Lars Thiesgaard * Oversættelse – Hans Kristian Bang * Producer – Svend Christiansen ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0120630| title=Chicken Run}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=chicken_run | title=Chicken Run}} * [http://www.aardman.com/chickenrun/ The official site] {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:2000s British animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:British animated films]] [[Category:Stop-motion animated films]] [[Category:British children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:British children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Prison films]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Chicken Run (franchise)]] [[Category:Films about farming]] 8pus4uawrp7y0q4pjbq5cesoctu1w4k 3944299 3944281 2026-05-22T23:28:21Z ~2026-30783-26 3327539 /* Dialogue */ 3944299 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Chicken Run}}''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] British [[w:Clay animation|clay animation]] film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], [[w:Aardman Animations|Aardman]] and [[w:Pathé|Pathé]] and distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], This is a story about a band of chickens who seek escape from their coop before their owners, mild-mannered egg farmer Mr. Tweedy and his overbearing wife, make them all into chicken pot pies. '''''[[Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget]]''''' was a sequel in [[w:2023 in film|2023]]. :''Directed and written by [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]] and [[w:Nick Park|Nick Park]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and John Powell.'' {{center|'''This Ain't No Chick Flick!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Model Stalag Luft III.jpg|thumb|"Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of ''us'' getting out of ''here'' are 1,000,000 to 1."<br />"Then there's still a chance."]] [[File:US-58-from-Corinth-Cemetery-va.jpg|thumb|"You hear that? That's the open road calling my name, and I was born to answer that call. Bye!"<br />"He must have very good hearing."]] [[File:RAF-Badge.svg|thumb|"You mean you never actually ''flew'' the plane?"<br />"Good heavens, no! I'm a ''chicken''! The '''R'''oyal '''A'''ir '''F'''orce doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!"]] [[File:Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Members' day 2018 MOD 45164718.jpg|thumb|"You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!"]] ==Dialogue== :''[Mr. Willard Tweedy walks with the dogs by a flashlight, then shakes a lock, then continues to walk with the dogs. A hen named Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence. But they make a loud noise once they come to the fence]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[loud whispering]'' Shush! :'''Babs''': ''[whimpers]'' :''[Bunty tries to get under the fence, but she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]'' :'''Bunty''': I'm stuck! :''[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence. But Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]'' :'''Ginger''': Get back! :''[They all pull her out of the fence, with Ginger pushing, and then lay down. Ginger runs away from the dog, followed by Mr. Tweedy. The dog continues running at Ginger, then another dog runs at her, chasing her by the door. The dogs walk up the stairs and then touch a gnome. The dogs walk up. Ginger grabs a garden gnome to fend them off. The dog bites the gnome's head off. Then suddenly the doors open. The dogs cower. Ginger spins around to find Melisha Tweedy, Mr. Tweedy's wife, her face icy and expressionless]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''':[her first words] Mr. Tweedy. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Eh? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': What is that chicken doing outside the fence? :'''Willard Tweedy''':[his first words] Oh.''[giggles]'' I don't know, love. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Just deal with it. Now! :''[Melisha slams the door. Willard cowers and carries Ginger to an old coal bunker near the side of the barn]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[to Ginger]'' I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. ''[He throws Ginger inside, then closes the top and turns to the other chickens]'' Now let that be a lesson to the lot of you! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM! ''[He walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Edwina has been sentenced to the chop after she fails to produce any more.]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh no. Edwina. Bunty, why didn't you give her some of yours? :'''Bunty''': I would have. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell anyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty, Babs and another hen sneak towards Hut 17 with knitted masks over them. Bunty bangs the door, and Ginger lets them in when she sees who it is, except for Babs, who just stands there. Ginger then pulls Babs in by her wing]'' :'''Babs''': Ohh! :''[Nick bangs the door, and Ginger looks to see who it is.]'' :'''Nick''': You called? Nick and-- :'''Fetcher''': Fetcher. :'''Nick''': At your service. :''[Ginger comes out the door. Suddenly, she hears dogs barking and sees Mr Tweedy looking out the farmhouse window]'' :'''Ginger''': Over here! :''[She leads Nick and Fetcher to a corner.]'' :'''Ginger''': We need some more things. :'''Nick''': Right you are, Miss! ''[opens a lunchbox and holds up a couple thimbles]'' How about this quality, hand-crafted tea set? :'''Ginger''': Um, no... :'''Fetcher''': ''[holds up a drain plug on a chain]'' Or this lovely necklace and pendant? :'''Ginger''': Well, it's lovely... :'''Nick''': ''[holds up a badminton birdie]'' Or how about this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paris. Simply pop it on like so... ''[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up so that she looks like an Indian]'' And as the French hens say, "Voila!" :'''Fetcher''': That IS French. :'''Nick''': And that's two hats in one, Miss. For parties... ''[turns the birdie over, making it look like a wedding veil]'' ...For weddings! Uh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream. :'''Fetcher''': Like a duck! :''[Nick glares at him]'' :'''Ginger''': No, thank you. ''[takes off the birdie and shows a diagram of a catapult]'' We're making this. We need these things. Can you get them? :'''Nick''': Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh, this is a big job, Miss. Uh, bigger than the other ones. No, no, this is gonna cost. :'''Ginger''': Same as always: one bag of seed. ''[hands Nick a bag of chicken feed]'' :'''Nick''': You call this pay?! :'''Fetcher''': It's chicken feed! :'''Ginger''': What else could we give you? :'''Nick''': Eggs. :'''Ginger''': Eggs?! :'''Fetcher''': Eggs. ''[holds up an egg cup and licks his lips]'' :'''Ginger''': We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable. :'''Nick''': And so are we. ''[packs up to leave]'' After you, Fetcher. :'''Fetcher''': ''[pausely]'' After I what? :'''Nick''': Move! <hr width=50%/> :''[cut to Ginger, slamming the gavel three times]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[on microphone]'' Order! Order! Quiet, everyone! Settle down! I would like to order... Please, if you could just settle-- :'''Fowler''': Quiet here! ''[banging on the table]'' Let's have some discipline in the ranks! What, what! :'''Ginger''': Thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': In my R.A.F days, we were never allowed to waste time unnecessary chitchat. :'''Ginger''': Yes, thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': I... ''[pause]'' Right! ''[chuckling, clears throat, and saluting]'' Carry on. <hr width=50%> :'''Ginger''': Think everyone, think. What haven't we tried yet? :'''Babs''': Uh... :'''Bunty''': We haven't tried NOT trying to escape. :'''Babs''': ''[happily]'' Hmm. That might work. :'''Ginger''': What about Edwina? How many more empty nests will it take? :'''Bunty''': Well, perhaps it wouldn't be empty if she'd spent more time laying and less time escaping! :'''Ginger''': So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, it is guilty? :'''Babs''': It's a living. :'''Ginger''': Do you know what the problem is? The fences aren't just around the farm, they're up here ''[Points to head]''. There is a better place out there, beyond on the hill, outdoors, trees and grass. You imagine it. Cool grass green. :'''Agnes''': And who feeds us? :'''Ginger''': We feed ourselves. :'''Hen''': Where is the farm? :'''Ginger''': There is no farm. :'''Babs''': Then where does the farmer live? :'''Ginger''': There is no farmer, Babs. :'''Babs''': Is he on holiday? :'''Ginger''': He isn't anywhere! Don't you get it? There's no morning head count no farmers, no dogs, no coups and locks and keys, and no fences! :'''Bunty''': In all my life, I've never heard such a fantastic... LOAD OF '''TRIPE.''' ''[The chickens start murmuring]'' Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of US getting out of HERE are 1,000,000 to 1. :'''Ginger''': Then there's still a chance. <hr width=50%/> :''[After everyone is yelling]'' :'''Rocky''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Let's back up and start from the top. Where am I? :'''Ginger''': Uh, you're right, how rude of us. We're just very exci– ''[clears throat]'' This is a chicken farm. :'''Babs''': And we're the chickens. ''[winks]'' :'''Rocky''': Ah, I'm with you so far. Chicken farm, chickens… :'''Fowler''': ''[about Rocky]'' I don't like the look of this one. His eyes are too close together. :'''Ginger''': Fowler, please! :'''Fowler''': And he's a ''yank''! :'''Rocky''': Easy, pops. Cockfighting's illegal where I come from. :'''Bunty''': And where is that, exactly? :'''Rocky''': Ah, just a little place I call The Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave. :'''Mac''': Scotland! :'''Rocky''': No! America! :'''Chickens''': Oooh! America! :'''Fowler''': Poppycock! Pushy Americans, always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and ''over here''! ''[exits Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Hey, what's eatin' Grandpa? :'''Ginger''': Uh, don't mind him, mister… Mister…? :'''Rocky''': The name's Rocky. Rocky the Rhode Island Red. "Rhodes" for short. :'''Agnes''': "Rocky Rhodes"? :'''Rocky''': Catchy, ain't it? :'''Ginger''': Um, Mr. Rhodes, is this you? :'''Rocky''': Uh... who wants to know? :'''Ginger''': A group of rather desperate chickens. You see, if it IS you, then you just might be the answer to our prayers. :''[Rocky nervously looks at the chickens, who giggle anxiously]'' :'''Rocky''': Well, then, call me a miracle, doll face, 'cause that's me. :'''Chickens''': Oooh! :'''Ginger''': ''[Off-screen]'' And what brings you to England, Mr. Rhodes? :'''Rocky''': Why, all the beautiful English chicks, of course. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger makes a speech to the hens with Rocky behind her]'' :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' it was possible. :'''Rocky''': Oh, it's possible alright. :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' the answer would come. :'''Rocky''': Amen! :'''Ginger''': We're all going to FLY over that fence, and Mr Rhodes is going to show us how, right? :'''Rocky''': That's r... W-w-what, did you say "fly"? :'''Ginger''': You can teach us. :'''Rocky''': No, I can't. ''[The other hens sigh in despair]'' Listen. Shh! You hear that? ''[silence]'' That's the open road calling my name and I was born to answer that call. Bye! ''[dashes out the coop]'' :'''Babs''': He must have very good hearing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': So ''that's'' it. You're from the circus. :'''Rocky''': ''[alarmed]'' Shh! :'''Ginger''': You're on the run, aren't you? :'''Rocky''': ''[pulls Ginger behind Hut 17]'' You wanna keep it down?! I'm trying to lay low here! :'''Ginger''': I should turn you in right now! :'''Rocky''': You wouldn't… would you? :'''Ginger''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't. :'''Rocky''': Because I'm… cute? ''[Ginger stares at him and squawks loudly, he quickly clamps her beak shut]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What kind of crazy chick are you? Do you know what'll happen if he finds me?! :'''Ginger''': It's a cruel world. :'''Rocky''': I've just decided, I don't like you. :'''Ginger''': I've just decided, I don't care. Now show us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': With this wing?! :'''Ginger''': ''Teach'' us, then! :'''Rocky''': No! :''[Ginger squawks again]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Smiles]'' He's valuable, you say? :'''Circus Man''': Sure. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[to Mr Tweedy]'' Get the torch. :'''Rocky''': ''[clamps her beak shut again]'' Now you listen here, sister. I'm not going back to that life! I'm a lone free ranger; emphasis on "free"! :'''Ginger''': And that's what ''we'' want - freedom! ''[Rocky notices the Tweedys approaching]'' Fancy that, they're coming this way. :'''Rocky''': Uh, no! Uh, no, they're after me! :'''Ginger''': Teach us to fly, and we'll hide you. :'''Rocky''': And if I don't...? ''[Ginger starts to squawk again when Rocky clamp her beak shut this instant she does]'' Was your father, by any chance, a ''vulture''?! :'''Ginger''': Do we have a deal? ''[Offers her wing to seal the deal. Rocky reluctantly agrees and Ginger pulls him behind Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Time to make good on that deal, doll– :'''Ginger''': ''[grabs his beak]'' The ''name''... is Ginger. ''[knocks on the wall of Hut 17. A hidden door opens and two chickens grab her and Rocky and take them inside]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Fowler is forced to share his bunk in Hut 1 with Rocky]'' :'''Fowler''': Absolutely outrageous! Asking a senior officer to share his quarters! And with a non-commissioned Yank, no less! Why, back in my day, I'd never... :'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, you weren't exactly ''my'' first choice either. And scoot over! Your wing's on my side of the bunk. :'''Fowler''': ''Your'' side of the bunk!? The '''''whole''' bunk'' is ''my'' side of the bunk! :'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[snapping back]'' Just... What's that smell, is that your ''breath''? :'''Fowler''': ''[grumbling]'' It's absolutely outrageous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rocky''': So, you wanna fly? Well, it ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna happen overnight either. You see, flying takes three things - hard work, perseverance and... hard work. :'''Fowler''': You said "hard work" twice! :'''Rocky''': That's because it takes twice as much work as perseverance. ''[licks a feather and shows it to the hens, making all of them except Ginger laugh]'' :'''Fowler''': Codswallop! ''[muttering]'' Cocky Yanks think that they know it all... ''[goes back into Hut 1]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': I thought you were going to teach us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': That's what I'm doing. :'''Ginger''': ''[chuckles]'' Isn't there usually some flapping involved? :'''Rocky''': Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs? Relax. We're making progress. :'''Ginger''': Really? I can't help feeling we're going round in circles. ''[points to the chickens, who are indeed, spinning around in circles]'' :'''Rocky''': What the...? Hey! Cut it out! You're making ''me'' dizzy! ''[The chickens stop, and start wobble around uneasily and toppling over]'' Yeah. I think they're ready to fly now. :'''Ginger''': Good, 'cause they certainly can't WALK anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet, like... :'''Fetcher''': ''[interrupting]'' Like a fish! :'''Nick''': Yeah, and we- ''[pauses]'' Like a FISH? You stupid Norbert. <hr width=50%/> :''[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Oh! What kind of pies? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Apple. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[excited]'' My favorite! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[forcefully]'' '''Chicken''' pies, you great lummox! ''[calmly]'' Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer's in the county will be stocked with box upon box of "Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies". :'''Willard Tweedy''': Just "Missus"? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh, right. How does it work? ''[about to pull the gearshift]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[slaps Mr. Tweedy on the hand]'' Get me a chicken and I'll show you. :'''Willard Tweedy''': I know just the one. ''[He walks out to get Ginger]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty dances with Fowler]'' :'''Nick''': ''[to Fetcher, sobbing]'' What are you sobbing about, you nancy? :'''Fetcher''': Little moments like this, mate. It's what makes the job all worthwhile. ''[to Nick, putting a red light in]'' Wanna dance? :'''Nick''': Yeah, all right. <hr width=50%/> :''[The chickens are finding out on a poster that Rocky can't fly.]'' :'''Mac''': Oh, a cannon. Aye, that would give you thrust. :'''Bunty''': I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American. :'''Mac''': So, what's the next plan, hen? :'''Ginger''': ''[sighs]'' Let's face it. The only way out of here is wrapped in pastry. :'''Babs''': Perhaps, he just went on holiday. :'''Bunty''': Perhaps, he just wanted to get away from your infernal knitting! ''[angrily snatches Babs' knitting and stamps it in the mud]'' :'''Mac''': You were always the one that was always hitting him. See how you like it! ''[pushes Bunty]'' :'''Bunty''' Don't push me, four eyes! :''[They start fighting, but Fowler enters.]'' :'''Fowler''': Quiet there! Quiet, I say! Dissension in the ranks. Precisely what Jerry would have wanted. The old divide and conquer. A proper squadron work together, like we did in my R.A.F. days. Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, and old Whizzbang at the tail-end Charlie. WingCo would give the call, hop in the old crate, chocks away! Wizard show it was. ''[shows Bunty his air-force medal]'' That's how you get medals. :'''Bunty''': ''[enraged]'' Oh. Will you shut up about your '''STUPID, BLOOMING ''MEDALS?!?!''''' :''[Bunty furiously slaps the air-force medal out of Fowler's hand and it lands in front of Ginger in the mud, the chickens gasp at it.]'' :'''Fowler''': '''''HOW DARE YOU!''''' ''[angrily hits Bunty with his cane]'' Madam, forgive me. A-As an officer, I offer my most-- :''[Bunty punches Fowler and all the chickens starts fighting in the mud. Ginger sees the air-force medal and picks it up.]'' :'''Ginger''': Fowler. ''[turns to the chickens fighting in the mud]'' Everyone! '''''SHUT UP!''''' :''[All the chickens stop fighting, with Babs holding on the leg by the mouth, long pause]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[clears throat]'' Fowler, what exactly is the R.A.F.? :'''Fowler''': ''[pulls his face out of the mud]'' What do you mean, what is it? ''[salutes]'' The Royal Air Force is what! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Ginger''': Then what's the "old crate"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[enters]'' Get the chickens. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Which ones? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': All of them. ''[switches to max level on the pie machine]'' :''[The chickens' plane-building has just been discovered by Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Mr. Tweedy''': Me tools! Why, you thieving little buggers! :'''Mac''': ''[whispers]'' What's the plan? :''[Mr. Tweedy stares down Ginger for a few seconds.]'' :'''Ginger''': '''ATTACK!!''' ''[Cut to close up Mr. Tweedy]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[as Ginger is doing literally that]'' Nice plan! :''[the chickens looks as they drop their tools. Cut to all of them swarming Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[being attacked by the chickens]'' '''MRS. TWEEDY! AHH! MRS. TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!''' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically, with her back turned she not paying attention]'' Finally, something we agree on. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[still being attacked by the chickens]'' '''HELP MRS. TW--''' ''[muffled, falls down]'' :'''Ginger''': Under the hut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Listen. We'll either die free chickens or die trying. :'''Babs''': Are those the only choices? <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': ''[aboard the flying machine]'' The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and- :'''Fetcher''': Kiss your bum goodbye! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Alright, Fowler! Ready for take-off! :'''Fowler''': Behind you all the way! :'''Ginger''': But... you're supposed to be up there! ''[points to the cockpit]'' You're the pilot! :'''Fowler''': Don't be ridiculous. I can't fly this contraption. :'''Ginger''': But... but back in your day. The Royal Air Force. :'''Fowler''': [[w:No. 644 Squadron RAF|644 Squadron]], Poultry Division! We were the mascots. :'''Ginger''': You mean you never actually FLEW the plane!? :'''Fowler''': Good heavens, no! I'm a CHICKEN! The Royal Air Force doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft! :''[The chickens hear this and start chattering in a panic.]'' :'''Hen''': We're all gonna die! :'''Ginger''': You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day! :'''Bunty''': You can do it, you old sausage. :''[Fowler pulls himself together, stands and salutes.]'' :'''Fowler''': Wing Commander T.I. Fowler reporting for duty. ''[The hens cheer; Fowler impatiently talks over them, heading for the cockpit.]'' Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get this crate off the ground! <hr width=50%/> :''[On the flying machine]'' :'''Fowler''': We need more power! :'''Mac''': [[w:Montgomery Scott|I cannae work miracles, Cap'n! We're giving her all she's got!]] <hr width=50%> :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[coldly]'' Put the ramp down. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger slaps Rocky]'' :'''Ginger''': THAT'S for leaving. ''[pulls him close]'' And THIS is for coming back. :''[Loud nose occurs, the crate is pulled down slightly and the chickens scream]'' :'''Fowler''': Great Scott! What was that? :'''Mac''': A [[w:Klingon|cling-on]], Cap'n. And the engines can't take it! :''[Melisha Tweedy snarls Rocky and Ginger gasps]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh my goodness. Babs! Scissors! :'''Babs''':[knit toothbrush lipstick scissor] Bingo! :'''Ginger''': Lower me down. :'''Rocky''': But... Ginger... :'''Ginger''': Just do it. :'''Fowler''': Increase velocity! :'''Babs''': What does that mean? :'''Bunty''': It means '''''PEDAL YOUR FLIPPIN' GIBLETS OUT!!''''' :''[Melisha Tweedy she climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': LOWER! :'''Rocky''': I'm trying! :''[Melisha Tweedy she continue climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': [billboard] FOWLER! LOOK OUT! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! ''[She raising her axe. But then Rocky Starts firing eggs at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Rocky''': FIRE! FIRE! :'''Fetcher''': Oh, me eggs. ''[Ginger loses Babs' scissors]'' :'''Rocky''': MORE AMMO, HURRY! :'''Nick''': WE'VE GOT NO MORE EGGS! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Snarling. Melisha Tweedy breaks the wire with axe and Ginger fakes her death]'' :'''Rocky''': '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' ''[Ginger she ducks and cover looks up at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Groans. Ginger reveals the broken Christmas lights in front of Melisha Tweedy]'' HUH?! :'''Ginger''': Bye-bye! ''[Melisha Tweedy screams after her side of the wire is lets go]'' :'''Fowler''': BOMBS AWAY! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her last words]'' MR TWEEDY!!! ''[All the chickens cheer for victory]'' :'''Rocky''': Oh, that was good, that was GOOD! :'''Fowler''': The Old Bird bought it! ''[laughing]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweed-- ''(Oh, no!) [Melisha Tweedy shrieking and gasping. Willard Tweedy closed the door slowing down and pie machine explodes] (Look out for exploded!)'' :'''Rocky and Ginger''': WHOA! ''[Gravy leaks down the door]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his last words]'' I told you they was organized. ''(Right?) [Melisha Tweedy she gets angrilyisherer and willard he pushes the door is falls flat on her as chickens are victory]'' :'''Ginger''': We did it everyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Nick''': 'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat. :'''Fetcher''': Right. We'll need a chicken then. :'''Nick''': No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from. :'''Fetcher''': No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where you gonna get an egg? :'''Nick''': From the chicken that comes from the egg. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken. :'''Nick''': Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then the egg, you get the chicken out. :'''Fetcher''': Hang on. Let's go over this again. ''[The screen puts up, "The End", then the credits scene]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Very last lines, the screen puts up, "The End", then the bonus credits scene]'' :'''Nick''': The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then? :'''Nick''': What do you mean, where'd it come from? :'''Fetcher''': Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along. :'''Nick''': Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place. :'''Fetcher''': So we got two eggs now? :'''Nick''': No, we're still talking about the very first egg. :'''Fetcher''': But what happened about the very first chicken? :'''Nick''': He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'? :'''Rocky''': Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here. :'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, guv. :'''Fetcher''': Beg your pardon. :'''Nick''': Won't happen again. :'''Rocky''': Thanks. :'''Nick''': Gitface. :'''Fetcher''': Pillock. :'''Nick''': Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are. :'''Nick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work, he gets all the credits. :'''Fetcher''': But he does get all the birds. He gets everything. :'''Nick''': Yes, he does. Everything. :'''Fetcher''': You said it, mate. :'''Nick''': I know. ==Deleted Dialogues== :''[Melisha Tweedy grabs the wire and both Rocky and Ginger walk slowly up to the rear]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh No. SHES GRABBED ON! :'''Wally The Rooster''': COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! ==Taglines== * This Ain't No Chick Flick! * Escape or Die Frying. * A Few Good Hen. * There's Nothing More Determined Than Poultry With A Plan. * She's Poultry In Motion. * Feathers Will Fly! * The Lone Free Ranger. * It's Chicken Impossible. * A Chicken Will Rise! * The Cluck Stops Here. * Run, Don't Walk! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Julia Sawalha|Julia Sawalha]] — Ginger the Hen * [[Mel Gibson]] — Rocky the Rooster * [[w:Lynn Ferguson|Lynn Ferguson]] — Mac * [[w:Jane Horrocks|Jane Horrocks]] — Babs * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] — Bunty * [[w:Benjamin Whitrow|Benjamin Whitrow]] — Fowler * [[w:Phil Daniels|Phil Daniels]] — Fetcher * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] — Nick * [[w:Tony Haygarth|Tony Haygarth]] — Willard Tweedy * [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] — Melisha Tweedy * [[w:John Sharian|John Sharian]] — Ringmaster * Jo Allen, [[w:Lisa Kay|Lisa Kay]] and Laura Strachan — Additional Chickens == Rolleliste == * Rocky – Søren Pilmark * Ginger – Annette Heick * Mac – Jette Sievertsen * Babs – Trine Pallesen * Mr Tweedy – Per Pallesen * Mrs Tweedy – Anne Marie Helger * Fowler – John Hahn-Petersen * Fetcher – Torben Zeller * Nick – Claus Bue * Bunty – Ellen Hillingsø ==== I mindre roller ==== * Vibeke Dueholm * Louise Engell * Puk Scharbau * Lars Thiesgaard * Julian T. Kellermann * Helene W. Moe ==== Technical Credits ==== * Instruktør – Lars Thiesgaard * Oversættelse – Hans Kristian Bang * Producer – Svend Christiansen ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0120630| title=Chicken Run}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=chicken_run | title=Chicken Run}} * [http://www.aardman.com/chickenrun/ The official site] {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:2000s British animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:British animated films]] [[Category:Stop-motion animated films]] [[Category:British children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:British children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Prison films]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Chicken Run (franchise)]] [[Category:Films about farming]] oonrm4ncwo6t8isljzzu5cv8hpur43s 3944300 3944299 2026-05-22T23:28:46Z ~2026-30783-26 3327539 /* Dialogue */ 3944300 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Chicken Run}}''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] British [[w:Clay animation|clay animation]] film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], [[w:Aardman Animations|Aardman]] and [[w:Pathé|Pathé]] and distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], This is a story about a band of chickens who seek escape from their coop before their owners, mild-mannered egg farmer Mr. Tweedy and his overbearing wife, make them all into chicken pot pies. '''''[[Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget]]''''' was a sequel in [[w:2023 in film|2023]]. :''Directed and written by [[w:Peter Lord|Peter Lord]] and [[w:Nick Park|Nick Park]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and John Powell.'' {{center|'''This Ain't No Chick Flick!''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Model Stalag Luft III.jpg|thumb|"Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of ''us'' getting out of ''here'' are 1,000,000 to 1."<br />"Then there's still a chance."]] [[File:US-58-from-Corinth-Cemetery-va.jpg|thumb|"You hear that? That's the open road calling my name, and I was born to answer that call. Bye!"<br />"He must have very good hearing."]] [[File:RAF-Badge.svg|thumb|"You mean you never actually ''flew'' the plane?"<br />"Good heavens, no! I'm a ''chicken''! The '''R'''oyal '''A'''ir '''F'''orce doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft!"]] [[File:Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Members' day 2018 MOD 45164718.jpg|thumb|"You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day!"]] ==Dialogue== :''[Mr. Willard Tweedy walks with the dogs by a flashlight, then shakes a lock, then continues to walk with the dogs. A hen named Ginger has just dug a hole with a spoon to get under the fence. She signals Bunty, Babs, and three other chickens to come over to the fence. But they make a loud noise once they come to the fence]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[loud whispering]'' Shush! :'''Babs''': ''[whimpers]'' :''[Bunty tries to get under the fence, but she is too big. Willard Tweedy hears this and turns around.]'' :'''Bunty''': I'm stuck! :''[Ginger rolls her eyes and goes to help Bunty get under the fence. But Edwina, Babs and the other chickens are making too much noise trying to push Bunty under. Once Ginger arrives to the rescue, she puts her wing over Bunty's beak so that Willard Tweedy doesn't hear her. Unfortunately, the noise of Edwina, Babs and the other chickens trying to push her under the fence attracts the attention of the dogs. Ginger hears the dogs and sees Willard Tweedy trying to hold them back]'' :'''Ginger''': Get back! :''[They all pull her out of the fence, with Ginger pushing, and then lay down. Ginger runs away from the dog, followed by Mr. Tweedy. The dog continues running at Ginger, then another dog runs at her, chasing her by the door. The dogs walk up the stairs and then touch a gnome. The dogs walk up. Ginger grabs a garden gnome to fend them off. The dog bites the gnome's head off. Then suddenly the doors open. The dogs cower. Ginger spins around to find Melisha Tweedy, Mr. Tweedy's wife, her face icy and expressionless]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''':[her first words] Mr. Tweedy. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Eh? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': What is that chicken doing outside the fence? :'''Willard Tweedy''':[his first words] Oh.''[giggles]'' I don't know, love. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Just deal with it. Now! :''[Melisha slams the door. Willard cowers and carries Ginger to an old coal bunker near the side of the barn]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[to Ginger]'' I'll teach you to make a fool out of me. ''[He throws Ginger inside, then closes the top and turns to the other chickens]'' Now let that be a lesson to the lot of you! NO CHICKEN ESCAPES FROM TWEEDY'S FARM! ''[He walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Edwina has been sentenced to the chop after she fails to produce any more.]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh no. Edwina. Bunty, why didn't you give her some of yours? :'''Bunty''': I would have. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell anyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty, Babs and another hen sneak towards Hut 17 with knitted masks over them. Bunty bangs the door, and Ginger lets them in when she sees who it is, except for Babs, who just stands there. Ginger then pulls Babs in by her wing]'' :'''Babs''': Ohh! :''[Nick bangs the door, and Ginger looks to see who it is.]'' :'''Nick''': You called? Nick and-- :'''Fetcher''': Fetcher. :'''Nick''': At your service. :''[Ginger comes out the door. Suddenly, she hears dogs barking and sees Mr Tweedy looking out the farmhouse window]'' :'''Ginger''': Over here! :''[She leads Nick and Fetcher to a corner.]'' :'''Ginger''': We need some more things. :'''Nick''': Right you are, Miss! ''[opens a lunchbox and holds up a couple thimbles]'' How about this quality, hand-crafted tea set? :'''Ginger''': Um, no... :'''Fetcher''': ''[holds up a drain plug on a chain]'' Or this lovely necklace and pendant? :'''Ginger''': Well, it's lovely... :'''Nick''': ''[holds up a badminton birdie]'' Or how about this little number that's all the rage in the most fashionable coops in Paris. Simply pop it on like so... ''[pops it on Ginger's head, feathers side up so that she looks like an Indian]'' And as the French hens say, "Voila!" :'''Fetcher''': That IS French. :'''Nick''': And that's two hats in one, Miss. For parties... ''[turns the birdie over, making it look like a wedding veil]'' ...For weddings! Uh, madame! This makes you look like a vision, like a dream. :'''Fetcher''': Like a duck! :''[Nick glares at him]'' :'''Ginger''': No, thank you. ''[takes off the birdie and shows a diagram of a catapult]'' We're making this. We need these things. Can you get them? :'''Nick''': Ooh-hoo-hoo, ooh, this is a big job, Miss. Uh, bigger than the other ones. No, no, this is gonna cost. :'''Ginger''': Same as always: one bag of seed. ''[hands Nick a bag of chicken feed]'' :'''Nick''': You call this pay?! :'''Fetcher''': It's chicken feed! :'''Ginger''': What else could we give you? :'''Nick''': Eggs. :'''Ginger''': Eggs?! :'''Fetcher''': Eggs. ''[holds up an egg cup and licks his lips]'' :'''Ginger''': We can't give you our eggs. They're too valuable. :'''Nick''': And so are we. ''[packs up to leave]'' After you, Fetcher. :'''Fetcher''': ''[pausely]'' After I what? :'''Nick''': Move! <hr width=50%/> :''[cut to Ginger, slamming the gavel three times]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[on microphone]'' Order! Order! Quiet, everyone! Settle down! I would like to order... Please, if you could just settle-- :'''Fowler''': Quiet here! ''[banging on the table]'' Let's have some discipline in the ranks! What, what! :'''Ginger''': Thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': In my R.A.F days, we were never allowed to waste time unnecessary chitchat. :'''Ginger''': Yes, thank you, Fowler. :'''Fowler''': I... ''[pause]'' Right! ''[chuckling, clears throat, and saluting]'' Carry on. <hr width=50%> :'''Ginger''': Think everyone, think. What haven't we tried yet? :'''Babs''': Uh... :'''Bunty''': We haven't tried NOT trying to escape. :'''Babs''': ''[happily]'' Hmm. That might work. :'''Ginger''': What about Edwina? How many more empty nests will it take? :'''Bunty''': Well, perhaps it wouldn't be empty if she'd spent more time laying and less time escaping! :'''Ginger''': So laying eggs all your life and then getting plucked, stuffed and roasted is good enough for you, it is guilty? :'''Babs''': It's a living. :'''Ginger''': Do you know what the problem is? The fences aren't just around the farm, they're up here ''[Points to head]''. There is a better place out there, beyond on the hill, outdoors, trees and grass. You imagine it. Cool grass green. :'''Agnes''': And who feeds us? :'''Ginger''': We feed ourselves. :'''Hen''': Where is the farm? :'''Ginger''': There is no farm. :'''Babs''': Then where does the farmer live? :'''Ginger''': There is no farmer, Babs. :'''Babs''': Is he on holiday? :'''Ginger''': He isn't anywhere! Don't you get it? There's no morning head count no farmers, no dogs, no coups and locks and keys, and no fences! :'''Bunty''': In all my life, I've never heard such a fantastic... LOAD OF '''TRIPE.''' ''[The chickens start murmuring]'' Let's face the facts, ducks. The chances of US getting out of HERE are 1,000,000 to 1. :'''Ginger''': Then there's still a chance. <hr width=50%/> :''[After everyone is yelling]'' :'''Rocky''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Let's back up and start from the top. Where am I? :'''Ginger''': Uh, you're right, how rude of us. We're just very exci– ''[clears throat]'' This is a chicken farm. :'''Babs''': And we're the chickens. ''[winks]'' :'''Rocky''': Ah, I'm with you so far. Chicken farm, chickens… :'''Fowler''': ''[about Rocky]'' I don't like the look of this one. His eyes are too close together. :'''Ginger''': Fowler, please! :'''Fowler''': And he's a ''yank''! :'''Rocky''': Easy, pops. Cockfighting's illegal where I come from. :'''Bunty''': And where is that, exactly? :'''Rocky''': Ah, just a little place I call The Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave. :'''Mac''': Scotland! :'''Rocky''': No! America! :'''Chickens''': Oooh! America! :'''Fowler''': Poppycock! Pushy Americans, always showing up late for every war. Overpaid, oversexed, and ''over here''! ''[exits Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Hey, what's eatin' Grandpa? :'''Ginger''': Uh, don't mind him, mister… Mister…? :'''Rocky''': The name's Rocky. Rocky the Rhode Island Red. "Rhodes" for short. :'''Agnes''': "Rocky Rhodes"? :'''Rocky''': Catchy, ain't it? :'''Ginger''': Um, Mr. Rhodes, is this you? :'''Rocky''': Uh... who wants to know? :'''Ginger''': A group of rather desperate chickens. You see, if it IS you, then you just might be the answer to our prayers. :''[Rocky nervously looks at the chickens, who giggle anxiously]'' :'''Rocky''': Well, then, call me a miracle, doll face, 'cause that's me. :'''Chickens''': Oooh! :'''Ginger''': ''[Off-screen]'' And what brings you to England, Mr. Rhodes? :'''Rocky''': Why, all the beautiful English chicks, of course. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger makes a speech to the hens with Rocky behind her]'' :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' it was possible. :'''Rocky''': Oh, it's possible alright. :'''Ginger''': I ''knew'' the answer would come. :'''Rocky''': Amen! :'''Ginger''': We're all going to FLY over that fence, and Mr Rhodes is going to show us how, right? :'''Rocky''': That's r... W-w-what, did you say "fly"? :'''Ginger''': You can teach us. :'''Rocky''': No, I can't. ''[The other hens sigh in despair]'' Listen. Shh! You hear that? ''[silence]'' That's the open road calling my name and I was born to answer that call. Bye! ''[dashes out the coop]'' :'''Babs''': He must have very good hearing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': So ''that's'' it. You're from the circus. :'''Rocky''': ''[alarmed]'' Shh! :'''Ginger''': You're on the run, aren't you? :'''Rocky''': ''[pulls Ginger behind Hut 17]'' You wanna keep it down?! I'm trying to lay low here! :'''Ginger''': I should turn you in right now! :'''Rocky''': You wouldn't… would you? :'''Ginger''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't. :'''Rocky''': Because I'm… cute? ''[Ginger stares at him and squawks loudly, he quickly clamps her beak shut]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What kind of crazy chick are you? Do you know what'll happen if he finds me?! :'''Ginger''': It's a cruel world. :'''Rocky''': I've just decided, I don't like you. :'''Ginger''': I've just decided, I don't care. Now show us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': With this wing?! :'''Ginger''': ''Teach'' us, then! :'''Rocky''': No! :''[Ginger squawks again]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Smiles]'' He's valuable, you say? :'''Circus Man''': Sure. :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[to Mr Tweedy]'' Get the torch. :'''Rocky''': ''[clamps her beak shut again]'' Now you listen here, sister. I'm not going back to that life! I'm a lone free ranger; emphasis on "free"! :'''Ginger''': And that's what ''we'' want - freedom! ''[Rocky notices the Tweedys approaching]'' Fancy that, they're coming this way. :'''Rocky''': Uh, no! Uh, no, they're after me! :'''Ginger''': Teach us to fly, and we'll hide you. :'''Rocky''': And if I don't...? ''[Ginger starts to squawk again when Rocky clamp her beak shut this instant she does]'' Was your father, by any chance, a ''vulture''?! :'''Ginger''': Do we have a deal? ''[Offers her wing to seal the deal. Rocky reluctantly agrees and Ginger pulls him behind Hut 17]'' :'''Rocky''': Time to make good on that deal, doll– :'''Ginger''': ''[grabs his beak]'' The ''name''... is Ginger. ''[knocks on the wall of Hut 17. A hidden door opens and two chickens grab her and Rocky and take them inside]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Fowler is forced to share his bunk in Hut 1 with Rocky]'' :'''Fowler''': Absolutely outrageous! Asking a senior officer to share his quarters! And with a non-commissioned Yank, no less! Why, back in my day, I'd never... :'''Rocky Rhodes''': Hey, you weren't exactly ''my'' first choice either. And scoot over! Your wing's on my side of the bunk. :'''Fowler''': ''Your'' side of the bunk!? The '''''whole''' bunk'' is ''my'' side of the bunk! :'''Rocky Rhodes''': ''[snapping back]'' Just... What's that smell, is that your ''breath''? :'''Fowler''': ''[grumbling]'' It's absolutely outrageous. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rocky''': So, you wanna fly? Well, it ain't gonna be easy, and it ain't gonna happen overnight either. You see, flying takes three things - hard work, perseverance and... hard work. :'''Fowler''': You said "hard work" twice! :'''Rocky''': That's because it takes twice as much work as perseverance. ''[licks a feather and shows it to the hens, making all of them except Ginger laugh]'' :'''Fowler''': Codswallop! ''[muttering]'' Cocky Yanks think that they know it all... ''[goes back into Hut 1]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': I thought you were going to teach us how to fly. :'''Rocky''': That's what I'm doing. :'''Ginger''': ''[chuckles]'' Isn't there usually some flapping involved? :'''Rocky''': Hey, do I tell you how to lay eggs? Relax. We're making progress. :'''Ginger''': Really? I can't help feeling we're going round in circles. ''[points to the chickens, who are indeed, spinning around in circles]'' :'''Rocky''': What the...? Hey! Cut it out! You're making ''me'' dizzy! ''[The chickens stop, and start wobble around uneasily and toppling over]'' Yeah. I think they're ready to fly now. :'''Ginger''': Good, 'cause they certainly can't WALK anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': We slipped into the farmer's room, all quiet, like... :'''Fetcher''': ''[interrupting]'' Like a fish! :'''Nick''': Yeah, and we- ''[pauses]'' Like a FISH? You stupid Norbert. <hr width=50%/> :''[The pie machine has been built and Mr and Mrs Tweedy looks at it]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Ooh! That's champion, that is. What is it? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': It's a pie machine, you idiot. Chickens go in, pies come out. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Oh! What kind of pies? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Apple. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[excited]'' My favorite! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[forcefully]'' '''Chicken''' pies, you great lummox! ''[calmly]'' Imagine it! In less than a fortnight, every grocer's in the county will be stocked with box upon box of "Mrs Tweedy's Homemade Chicken Pies". :'''Willard Tweedy''': Just "Missus"? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': Woman's touch. Makes the public feel more comfortable. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Uh, right. How does it work? ''[about to pull the gearshift]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[slaps Mr. Tweedy on the hand]'' Get me a chicken and I'll show you. :'''Willard Tweedy''': I know just the one. ''[He walks out to get Ginger]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Bunty dances with Fowler]'' :'''Nick''': ''[to Fetcher, sobbing]'' What are you sobbing about, you nancy? :'''Fetcher''': Little moments like this, mate. It's what makes the job all worthwhile. ''[to Nick, putting a red light in]'' Wanna dance? :'''Nick''': Yeah, all right. <hr width=50%/> :''[The chickens are finding out on a poster that Rocky can't fly.]'' :'''Mac''': Oh, a cannon. Aye, that would give you thrust. :'''Bunty''': I knew he was fake all along. In fact, I'm not even certain he was American. :'''Mac''': So, what's the next plan, hen? :'''Ginger''': ''[sighs]'' Let's face it. The only way out of here is wrapped in pastry. :'''Babs''': Perhaps, he just went on holiday. :'''Bunty''': Perhaps, he just wanted to get away from your infernal knitting! ''[angrily snatches Babs' knitting and stamps it in the mud]'' :'''Mac''': You were always the one that was always hitting him. See how you like it! ''[pushes Bunty]'' :'''Bunty''' Don't push me, four eyes! :''[They start fighting, but Fowler enters.]'' :'''Fowler''': Quiet there! Quiet, I say! Dissension in the ranks. Precisely what Jerry would have wanted. The old divide and conquer. A proper squadron work together, like we did in my R.A.F. days. Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, and old Whizzbang at the tail-end Charlie. WingCo would give the call, hop in the old crate, chocks away! Wizard show it was. ''[shows Bunty his air-force medal]'' That's how you get medals. :'''Bunty''': ''[enraged]'' Oh. Will you shut up about your '''STUPID, BLOOMING ''MEDALS?!?!''''' :''[Bunty furiously slaps the air-force medal out of Fowler's hand and it lands in front of Ginger in the mud, the chickens gasp at it.]'' :'''Fowler''': '''''HOW DARE YOU!''''' ''[angrily hits Bunty with his cane]'' Madam, forgive me. A-As an officer, I offer my most-- :''[Bunty punches Fowler and all the chickens starts fighting in the mud. Ginger sees the air-force medal and picks it up.]'' :'''Ginger''': Fowler. ''[turns to the chickens fighting in the mud]'' Everyone! '''''SHUT UP!''''' :''[All the chickens stop fighting, with Babs holding on the leg by the mouth, long pause]'' :'''Ginger''': ''[clears throat]'' Fowler, what exactly is the R.A.F.? :'''Fowler''': ''[pulls his face out of the mud]'' What do you mean, what is it? ''[salutes]'' The Royal Air Force is what! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Ginger''': Then what's the "old crate"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[enters]'' Get the chickens. :'''Willard Tweedy''': Which ones? :'''Melisha Tweedy''': All of them. ''[switches to max level on the pie machine]'' :''[The chickens' plane-building has just been discovered by Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Mr. Tweedy''': Me tools! Why, you thieving little buggers! :'''Mac''': ''[whispers]'' What's the plan? :''[Mr. Tweedy stares down Ginger for a few seconds.]'' :'''Ginger''': '''ATTACK!!''' ''[Cut to close up Mr. Tweedy]'' :'''Bunty''': ''[as Ginger is doing literally that]'' Nice plan! :''[the chickens looks as they drop their tools. Cut to all of them swarming Mr. Tweedy.]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[being attacked by the chickens]'' '''MRS. TWEEDY! AHH! MRS. TWEEDY, THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!''' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[sarcastically, with her back turned she not paying attention]'' Finally, something we agree on. :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[still being attacked by the chickens]'' '''HELP! MRS. TW--''' ''[muffled, falls down]'' :'''Ginger''': Under the hut! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Listen. We'll either die free chickens or die trying. :'''Babs''': Are those the only choices? <hr width=50%/> :'''Nick''': ''[aboard the flying machine]'' The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and- :'''Fetcher''': Kiss your bum goodbye! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ginger''': Alright, Fowler! Ready for take-off! :'''Fowler''': Behind you all the way! :'''Ginger''': But... you're supposed to be up there! ''[points to the cockpit]'' You're the pilot! :'''Fowler''': Don't be ridiculous. I can't fly this contraption. :'''Ginger''': But... but back in your day. The Royal Air Force. :'''Fowler''': [[w:No. 644 Squadron RAF|644 Squadron]], Poultry Division! We were the mascots. :'''Ginger''': You mean you never actually FLEW the plane!? :'''Fowler''': Good heavens, no! I'm a CHICKEN! The Royal Air Force doesn't let chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft! :''[The chickens hear this and start chattering in a panic.]'' :'''Hen''': We're all gonna die! :'''Ginger''': You ''have'' to fly it. You're always talking about back in your day. Well, ''today'' is your day! :'''Bunty''': You can do it, you old sausage. :''[Fowler pulls himself together, stands and salutes.]'' :'''Fowler''': Wing Commander T.I. Fowler reporting for duty. ''[The hens cheer; Fowler impatiently talks over them, heading for the cockpit.]'' Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get this crate off the ground! <hr width=50%/> :''[On the flying machine]'' :'''Fowler''': We need more power! :'''Mac''': [[w:Montgomery Scott|I cannae work miracles, Cap'n! We're giving her all she's got!]] <hr width=50%> :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[coldly]'' Put the ramp down. <hr width=50%/> :''[Ginger slaps Rocky]'' :'''Ginger''': THAT'S for leaving. ''[pulls him close]'' And THIS is for coming back. :''[Loud nose occurs, the crate is pulled down slightly and the chickens scream]'' :'''Fowler''': Great Scott! What was that? :'''Mac''': A [[w:Klingon|cling-on]], Cap'n. And the engines can't take it! :''[Melisha Tweedy snarls Rocky and Ginger gasps]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh my goodness. Babs! Scissors! :'''Babs''':[knit toothbrush lipstick scissor] Bingo! :'''Ginger''': Lower me down. :'''Rocky''': But... Ginger... :'''Ginger''': Just do it. :'''Fowler''': Increase velocity! :'''Babs''': What does that mean? :'''Bunty''': It means '''''PEDAL YOUR FLIPPIN' GIBLETS OUT!!''''' :''[Melisha Tweedy she climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': LOWER! :'''Rocky''': I'm trying! :''[Melisha Tweedy she continue climbs the lights]'' :'''Ginger''': [billboard] FOWLER! LOOK OUT! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! ''[She raising her axe. But then Rocky Starts firing eggs at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Rocky''': FIRE! FIRE! :'''Fetcher''': Oh, me eggs. ''[Ginger loses Babs' scissors]'' :'''Rocky''': MORE AMMO, HURRY! :'''Nick''': WE'VE GOT NO MORE EGGS! :'''Rocky''': GINGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Snarling. Melisha Tweedy breaks the wire with axe and Ginger fakes her death]'' :'''Rocky''': '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' ''[Ginger she ducks and cover looks up at Melisha Tweedy]'' :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[Groans. Ginger reveals the broken Christmas lights in front of Melisha Tweedy]'' HUH?! :'''Ginger''': Bye-bye! ''[Melisha Tweedy screams after her side of the wire is lets go]'' :'''Fowler''': BOMBS AWAY! :'''Melisha Tweedy''': ''[her last words]'' MR TWEEDY!!! ''[All the chickens cheer for victory]'' :'''Rocky''': Oh, that was good, that was GOOD! :'''Fowler''': The Old Bird bought it! ''[laughing]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': Mrs. Tweedy, Mrs. Tweed-- ''(Oh, no!) [Melisha Tweedy shrieking and gasping. Willard Tweedy closed the door slowing down and pie machine explodes] (Look out for exploded!)'' :'''Rocky and Ginger''': WHOA! ''[Gravy leaks down the door]'' :'''Willard Tweedy''': ''[his last words]'' I told you they was organized. ''(Right?) [Melisha Tweedy she gets angrilyisherer and willard he pushes the door is falls flat on her as chickens are victory]'' :'''Ginger''': We did it everyone. <hr width=50%/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Nick''': 'Ey, 'ey, here's a thought. Why don't we get an egg and start our own chicken farm? That way we'll have all the eggs we could eat. :'''Fetcher''': Right. We'll need a chicken then. :'''Nick''': No. No, we'll need an egg. You have the egg first. That's where you get the chicken from. :'''Fetcher''': No, that's cobblers. If you don't have a chicken, where you gonna get an egg? :'''Nick''': From the chicken that comes from the egg. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but you have to have an egg to have a chicken. :'''Nick''': Yeah, but you gotta get the chicken first to get the egg, and then the egg, you get the chicken out. :'''Fetcher''': Hang on. Let's go over this again. ''[The screen puts up, "The End", then the credits scene]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Very last lines, the screen puts up, "The End", then the bonus credits scene]'' :'''Nick''': The egg, obviously. Rollin' along happy as Larry, then, crack! Hatches into the first chicken. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, but where'd the egg come from, then? :'''Nick''': What do you mean, where'd it come from? :'''Fetcher''': Egg comes rollin' along, happy as Larry. It's wonderin', where'd it come from? Without a chicken, you get no egg to come rollin' along. :'''Nick''': Well, conversely, without an egg to hatch into the chicken, there will be no chicken to lay the other egg that hatches into the chicken that lays the egg I mentioned in the first place. :'''Fetcher''': So we got two eggs now? :'''Nick''': No, we're still talking about the very first egg. :'''Fetcher''': But what happened about the very first chicken? :'''Nick''': He's in the very first egg! Aren't you listenin'? :'''Rocky''': Uh, guys. Guys? Tryin' to enjoy paradise over here. :'''Nick''': Oh, sorry, guv. :'''Fetcher''': Beg your pardon. :'''Nick''': Won't happen again. :'''Rocky''': Thanks. :'''Nick''': Gitface. :'''Fetcher''': Pillock. :'''Nick''': Thinks he's such a big shot 'cause he's got his name on a poster. These show biz folk are all the same. :'''Fetcher''': Yeah, the rats are the stars, carefully. Yeah, they are. Of course they are. :'''Nick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are. Of course they are. We do all the work, he gets all the credits. :'''Fetcher''': But he does get all the birds. He gets everything. :'''Nick''': Yes, he does. Everything. :'''Fetcher''': You said it, mate. :'''Nick''': I know. ==Deleted Dialogues== :''[Melisha Tweedy grabs the wire and both Rocky and Ginger walk slowly up to the rear]'' :'''Ginger''': Oh No. SHES GRABBED ON! :'''Wally The Rooster''': COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! ==Taglines== * This Ain't No Chick Flick! * Escape or Die Frying. * A Few Good Hen. * There's Nothing More Determined Than Poultry With A Plan. * She's Poultry In Motion. * Feathers Will Fly! * The Lone Free Ranger. * It's Chicken Impossible. * A Chicken Will Rise! * The Cluck Stops Here. * Run, Don't Walk! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Julia Sawalha|Julia Sawalha]] — Ginger the Hen * [[Mel Gibson]] — Rocky the Rooster * [[w:Lynn Ferguson|Lynn Ferguson]] — Mac * [[w:Jane Horrocks|Jane Horrocks]] — Babs * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] — Bunty * [[w:Benjamin Whitrow|Benjamin Whitrow]] — Fowler * [[w:Phil Daniels|Phil Daniels]] — Fetcher * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] — Nick * [[w:Tony Haygarth|Tony Haygarth]] — Willard Tweedy * [[w:Miranda Richardson|Miranda Richardson]] — Melisha Tweedy * [[w:John Sharian|John Sharian]] — Ringmaster * Jo Allen, [[w:Lisa Kay|Lisa Kay]] and Laura Strachan — Additional Chickens == Rolleliste == * Rocky – Søren Pilmark * Ginger – Annette Heick * Mac – Jette Sievertsen * Babs – Trine Pallesen * Mr Tweedy – Per Pallesen * Mrs Tweedy – Anne Marie Helger * Fowler – John Hahn-Petersen * Fetcher – Torben Zeller * Nick – Claus Bue * Bunty – Ellen Hillingsø ==== I mindre roller ==== * Vibeke Dueholm * Louise Engell * Puk Scharbau * Lars Thiesgaard * Julian T. Kellermann * Helene W. Moe ==== Technical Credits ==== * Instruktør – Lars Thiesgaard * Oversættelse – Hans Kristian Bang * Producer – Svend Christiansen ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title | id=0120630| title=Chicken Run}} * {{rotten-tomatoes | id=chicken_run | title=Chicken Run}} * [http://www.aardman.com/chickenrun/ The official site] {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:2000s British animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:British animated films]] [[Category:Stop-motion animated films]] [[Category:British children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:British children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Prison films]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Chicken Run (franchise)]] [[Category:Films about farming]] 7wl9guyys1zpv7enp40eyl4311kpca9 0 34215 3944374 3921145 2026-05-23T06:58:55Z EarthDude 3228931 EarthDude moved page [[Syama Prasad Mookerjee]] to [[Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]]: Common name and the name used in Wikipedia 3921145 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Syama Prasad Mookerjee.jpg|thumb|Syama Prasad Mookerjee]] '''[[w:Syama Prasad Mookerjee|Shyama Prasad Mookerjee]]''' ([[w:July 6|6th July]] [[w:1901|1901]] - [[w:June 24|24th June]] [[w:1953|1953]]) Indian educator, humanist and politician. ==Quotes== * If we are to live and grow as a university, one of whose paramount tasks is to not only leaders of thought and action but also workers dedicated to the service of the nation, we cannot sit idle with philosophic concern and let things drift as they may. So far as we are concerned, it is for us to set our house in order. It is for us, and specially the younger generation, Hindus, Moslems and Christians alike, to combine and resolutely stand for the permanent well-being of our province and to rescue her from the deadly stagnation which now seems to envelop her. ** ''Speech delivered at Calcutta University Convocation on 2nd March 1935.'' * Whatever work you undertake, do it seriously, thoroughly and well; never leave it half-done or undone, never feel yourself satisfied unless and until you have given it your very best. Cultivate the habits of discipline and toleration. Surrender not the convictions you hold dear but learn to appreciate the points of view of your opponents. ** ''Speech delivered at Scottish Church College, Kolkata on 7th December 1935. '' * A criticism with which we have become familiar in this country is that an alarmingly large number of students receiving university education, and the universities are responsible for wastage and unnecessary duplication of teaching arrangements… <br/> :… Take the whole of British India with a population of two hundred and sixty-three million. India has only sixteen universities and the number of their students will be about one lac and twenty thousand. The total expenditure on higher education in India is less than four crores<ref> one crore is equal to ten million </ref> rupees. <br/> :Let me now turn to other countries. The British Isles afford a good illustration for comparison from the point of view of population which is about is about forty five million; but the number of universities is as many as sixteen – what we have for the whole of India – and fifty-five thousand students receive instructions under their jurisdiction. About six crores and forty lacs <ref> ten lacs is equal to one million </ref> of rupees are spent on higher education only in England and Wales. To universities alone within this area the state annually contributes two crores and twenty-seven lacs of rupees. ** '' Speech delivered at Calcutta University Convocation on 22nd February 1936. '' * Generally speaking, an Indian university must regard itself as one of the living organs of national reconstruction. It must discover the best means of blending together both the spiritual and the material aspects of life. It must equip its alumni irrespective of caste, creed or sex, with individual fitness, not for its own sake, not for merely adorning varied occupations and professions, but in order to teach them how to merge their individuality in the common cause of advancing the progress and prosperity of their motherland and upholding the highest traditions of human civilisation. ** ''Speech delivered at Nagpur University Convocation on 5th December 1936. '' * That more than 90 per cent of the Indian population should continue to be [[w:Literacy in India|illiterate]] even after 175 years of British rule in this country is an intolerable situation which calls for immediate action. ** ''Speech delivered at Nagpur University Convocation on 5th December 1936. '' * You have drunk deep at the springs of western knowledge. While you will not hesitate to absorb for your benefit and for the national good the best elements in western culture and thought, you will not in any case permit the destruction of the vital elements of your own civilisation. ** ''Speech delivered at Bombay University Convocation on 17th August 1937. '' * It has often been asserted that the polytheistic Hindu failed to establish a spiritual kinship with the monotheistic Muslim who held much that is Indian in scorn and still seeks his spiritual inspiration abroad. How can we say that India ignored the teachings of Islam when we find saints like [[w:Guru Nanak Dev|Nanak]] and [[w:Chaitanya Mahaprabhu|Chaitanya]], [[w:Namdev|Namdev]] and [[w:Tukaram|Tukaram]], preaching the brotherhood of man and the futility of caste in matters spiritual? Although attempts on Hindu culture and institutions fill the pages of Indian history, how can we assert that Muslims ignored the appeal of Hindu culture when we find Muhammad Jayasi weaving a beautiful romance to illustrate the teachings of Hindu philosophy, when we read the simple devotional hymns of [[w:Kabir|Kabir]] and [[w:Hazrat Baba Fareed Shaker Gunj| Sheikh Farid]], who refused to recognise the barriers of caste and creed on the high road to God’s kingdom? “Utter not one disagreeable word,” said Farid, “since the true lord is in all men. Distress no one’s heart for every heart is a precious jewel.” In the same strain did Kabir proclaim, “There is the same God for the Hindu as for the Muslim.” A rejuvenated India found an [[w:Akbar|Akbar]] to put an end to political chaos and social disharmony and a [[w:Shah Jahan|Shah Jahan]] to dream a dream in marble the like of which is not to be met in the world. ** ''Speech delivered at Patna University Convocation on 27th November 1937. '' * India fell mainly because her people were at the critical hour divided and disorganised. Her influence waned when the forces of disintegration, political and social, were at work. If we left our neighbours alone, we revelled in internal strife which ceased for a time when great kings like [[w:Ashoka|Asoka]] and Akbar ruled over the destinies of India – mighty men, who sought to unite the teeming millions of this vast sub-continent by the bond of a common aspiration and a passionate longing for the eternal code of righteous conduct, charity and understanding. A strong and united India fearing no one and loving all , brought messages of peace and goodwill to distracted world. But as soon as the sceptre dropped from their hands, when the grip over the country was loosened through weak and short-sighted successors, when narrow selfishness and mutual jealousy and distrust overpowered our souls, when local feuds and religious strife raised their ugly heads giving rise to social exclusiveness and moral decadence, unity was lost; freedom, man’s priceless treasure, disappeared; the country broke into fragments and relapsed into a state of conflict and struggle. ** ''Speech delivered at Patna University Convocation on 27th November 1937. '' * Freedom consists not only in the absence of restraint but also in the presence of opportunity. Liberty is not a single and simple conception. It has four elements – national, political, personal and economic. The man who is fully free is one who lives in a country which is independent; in a state which is democratic; in a society where laws are equal and restrictions at a minimum; in an economic system in which national interests are protected and the citizen has the scope of secure livelihood, an assured comfort and full opportunity to rise by merit. <br/> :This freedom, so truly and courageously defined, is not ours today and until this condition is reached, India will never achieve true greatness or happiness, based on the glorious features of her past civilisation. ** ''Speech delivered at Patna University Convocation on 27th November 1937. '' * In India also, for century, education imparted through the medium of a foreign language has unduly dominated its academic life and it has now produced a class of men who are unconsciously so denationalised that any far reaching proposal for the recognition of the Indian languages as the vehicle of teaching and examination up to the highest University stage is either ridiculed as impossible or branded as reactionary. But I plead earnestly for the acceptance of this fundamental principle not on account of any blind adherence to things that I claim as my own but out of a firm conviction that the fullest development of the mind of a learner is possible only by this natural approach and also that by this process alone can there be a great revival of the glory and richness of the Indian languages. ** ''Speech delivered at Agra University Convocation on 23rd November 1940. '' * I would also ask you to fulfil in an abundant measure your obligation for the revival of the glory of Hindu culture and civilisation, not from a narrow or bigoted point of view but for strengthening the very root of nationalism in this country. In this great land of ours where twenty-eight crores of Hindus live, the word Hindu sometimes stinks in the nostrils of many a son of India. ** ''Speech delivered at Benaras Hindu University Convocation on 1st December 1940. '' * Political and social justice requires, not the disintegration of a country and destruction or humiliation of a class which shows initiative, intelligence and drive, but equality of opportunity for all, genuine freedom for self-fulfilment, in which all men irrespective of caste or creed may share. ** ''Speech delivered at Benaras Hindu University Convocation on 1st December 1940. '' * What we deplore is not that the gate of western knowledge was thrown open to Indians, but that such knowledge was imported to India at the sacrifice of our own cultural heritage. What was needed was a proper synthesis between the two systems and not neglect, far less destruction, of the Indian base. ** ''Speech delivered at Gurkula Visvavidyalaya Convocation on 25th April 1943. '' * The very system of education which was deemed essential for forging bonds of unbroken alliance with the British power succeeded in unleashing revolutionary ideas and thoughts, which ultimately helped to throw off the yoke of alien rule in India. If we take a dispassionate view of what happened during the last one century, we must acknowledge that this has been an era in which good has been mixed with evil. The contact between the Indian mind and western thought and civilisation did not enslave the soul of India. In every domain of thought, in arts and architecture, in science, in history, philosophy and letters, in social services and in religious thought, great Indians gave their best, maintaining their stamp of originality as well as imbibing and assimilating fruits of western skill and knowledge. Though the number of Indians affected by such spread of knowledge was comparatively small, many of them assumed a much needed political leadership and became the instruments of agitation and mass movements, leading ultimately to the political liberation of their country. The cultural Renaissance preceded and created the silent Revolution. ** ''Speech delivered at Delhi University Convocation on 13th December 1952. '' (Source: ''Educational Speeches'' by Dr. Shyamaprasad Mookerjee, 1959, A.Mukherjee & Co. (Private) Ltd., 2 College Square, Kolkata 700 012) *[Nehru once told Mookerjee: "We will crush you!"... He replied:] <br> We will crush this crushing mentality. **Cited by A.B. Vajpayee and quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p.158 *A nation that fails to take pride in its past achievements or to take inspiration therefrom, can never build up the present or plan for the future. A weak nation can never attain greatness. ** Dr. Shyama Prasad Mookerjee Quoted from Talreja, K. M. (2000). Holy Vedas and holy Bible: A comparative study. New Delhi: Rashtriya Chetana Sangathan. * ‘He knows much better than even myself the life of misery, shame and humiliation which these millions of Hindus in East Bengal are being forced to live. He said in the course of his speech that whatever happens, India will never agree to any discrimination being made in reference to South Africa, whether it is based on race or religion. When people who had their loyalty fixed upon undivided India, who made Indian freedom possible, and today also naturally look to India for protection and help in emergency, are forced to live in an atmosphere of insecurity and misery and humiliation, then, what is India’s policy in respect of them? Are we so weak as to merely watch and appeal?’ **quoted in Arun Shourie - Self-Deception _ India's China Policies_ Origins, Premises, Lessons-Harper Collins (2013) ch 4. ==Quotes about Shyama Prasad Mookerjee== * His religion was not of the narrow kind. He was catholic in his sympathies and broad-minded in his outlook. Patriotism is not merely love of the land in which we are born; it is respect for the ideals by which we are sustained. That man has a spiritual dimension, that its development can take place in various ways, that we should have respect for all these ways are some of the cardinal features of Indian tradition. It is Indian and not merely Hindu. Shyamaprasad Mookerjee was an ardent advocate of these great ideals. ** ''[[w:Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan|Dr. S. Radhakrishnan]] in Foreword to the “Educational Speeches” of Dr. Shyamapasad Mookerjee.'' ==References== <references/> ==See also== *[[Deendayal Upadhyaya]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mookerjee, Prasad}} [[Category:Politicians from India]] [[Category:Educators from India]] [[Category:1901 births]] [[Category:1953 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from India]] [[Category:Lawyers from India]] [[Category:Hindu nationalists]] [[Category:People from Kolkata]] [[Category:Prisoners]] cm3y3kzw2oduv8f9x4hry1uwlodjdpc 3944376 3944374 2026-05-23T06:59:49Z EarthDude 3228931 Move cleanup 3944376 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Syama Prasad Mookerjee.jpg|thumb|Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]] '''[[w:Shyama Prasad Mukherjee|Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]]''' ([[w:July 6|6th July]] [[w:1901|1901]] - [[w:June 24|24th June]] [[w:1953|1953]]) Indian educator, humanist and politician. ==Quotes== * If we are to live and grow as a university, one of whose paramount tasks is to not only leaders of thought and action but also workers dedicated to the service of the nation, we cannot sit idle with philosophic concern and let things drift as they may. So far as we are concerned, it is for us to set our house in order. It is for us, and specially the younger generation, Hindus, Moslems and Christians alike, to combine and resolutely stand for the permanent well-being of our province and to rescue her from the deadly stagnation which now seems to envelop her. ** ''Speech delivered at Calcutta University Convocation on 2nd March 1935.'' * Whatever work you undertake, do it seriously, thoroughly and well; never leave it half-done or undone, never feel yourself satisfied unless and until you have given it your very best. Cultivate the habits of discipline and toleration. Surrender not the convictions you hold dear but learn to appreciate the points of view of your opponents. ** ''Speech delivered at Scottish Church College, Kolkata on 7th December 1935. '' * A criticism with which we have become familiar in this country is that an alarmingly large number of students receiving university education, and the universities are responsible for wastage and unnecessary duplication of teaching arrangements… <br/> :… Take the whole of British India with a population of two hundred and sixty-three million. India has only sixteen universities and the number of their students will be about one lac and twenty thousand. The total expenditure on higher education in India is less than four crores<ref> one crore is equal to ten million </ref> rupees. <br/> :Let me now turn to other countries. The British Isles afford a good illustration for comparison from the point of view of population which is about is about forty five million; but the number of universities is as many as sixteen – what we have for the whole of India – and fifty-five thousand students receive instructions under their jurisdiction. About six crores and forty lacs <ref> ten lacs is equal to one million </ref> of rupees are spent on higher education only in England and Wales. To universities alone within this area the state annually contributes two crores and twenty-seven lacs of rupees. ** '' Speech delivered at Calcutta University Convocation on 22nd February 1936. '' * Generally speaking, an Indian university must regard itself as one of the living organs of national reconstruction. It must discover the best means of blending together both the spiritual and the material aspects of life. It must equip its alumni irrespective of caste, creed or sex, with individual fitness, not for its own sake, not for merely adorning varied occupations and professions, but in order to teach them how to merge their individuality in the common cause of advancing the progress and prosperity of their motherland and upholding the highest traditions of human civilisation. ** ''Speech delivered at Nagpur University Convocation on 5th December 1936. '' * That more than 90 per cent of the Indian population should continue to be [[w:Literacy in India|illiterate]] even after 175 years of British rule in this country is an intolerable situation which calls for immediate action. ** ''Speech delivered at Nagpur University Convocation on 5th December 1936. '' * You have drunk deep at the springs of western knowledge. While you will not hesitate to absorb for your benefit and for the national good the best elements in western culture and thought, you will not in any case permit the destruction of the vital elements of your own civilisation. ** ''Speech delivered at Bombay University Convocation on 17th August 1937. '' * It has often been asserted that the polytheistic Hindu failed to establish a spiritual kinship with the monotheistic Muslim who held much that is Indian in scorn and still seeks his spiritual inspiration abroad. How can we say that India ignored the teachings of Islam when we find saints like [[w:Guru Nanak Dev|Nanak]] and [[w:Chaitanya Mahaprabhu|Chaitanya]], [[w:Namdev|Namdev]] and [[w:Tukaram|Tukaram]], preaching the brotherhood of man and the futility of caste in matters spiritual? Although attempts on Hindu culture and institutions fill the pages of Indian history, how can we assert that Muslims ignored the appeal of Hindu culture when we find Muhammad Jayasi weaving a beautiful romance to illustrate the teachings of Hindu philosophy, when we read the simple devotional hymns of [[w:Kabir|Kabir]] and [[w:Hazrat Baba Fareed Shaker Gunj| Sheikh Farid]], who refused to recognise the barriers of caste and creed on the high road to God’s kingdom? “Utter not one disagreeable word,” said Farid, “since the true lord is in all men. Distress no one’s heart for every heart is a precious jewel.” In the same strain did Kabir proclaim, “There is the same God for the Hindu as for the Muslim.” A rejuvenated India found an [[w:Akbar|Akbar]] to put an end to political chaos and social disharmony and a [[w:Shah Jahan|Shah Jahan]] to dream a dream in marble the like of which is not to be met in the world. ** ''Speech delivered at Patna University Convocation on 27th November 1937. '' * India fell mainly because her people were at the critical hour divided and disorganised. Her influence waned when the forces of disintegration, political and social, were at work. If we left our neighbours alone, we revelled in internal strife which ceased for a time when great kings like [[w:Ashoka|Asoka]] and Akbar ruled over the destinies of India – mighty men, who sought to unite the teeming millions of this vast sub-continent by the bond of a common aspiration and a passionate longing for the eternal code of righteous conduct, charity and understanding. A strong and united India fearing no one and loving all , brought messages of peace and goodwill to distracted world. But as soon as the sceptre dropped from their hands, when the grip over the country was loosened through weak and short-sighted successors, when narrow selfishness and mutual jealousy and distrust overpowered our souls, when local feuds and religious strife raised their ugly heads giving rise to social exclusiveness and moral decadence, unity was lost; freedom, man’s priceless treasure, disappeared; the country broke into fragments and relapsed into a state of conflict and struggle. ** ''Speech delivered at Patna University Convocation on 27th November 1937. '' * Freedom consists not only in the absence of restraint but also in the presence of opportunity. Liberty is not a single and simple conception. It has four elements – national, political, personal and economic. The man who is fully free is one who lives in a country which is independent; in a state which is democratic; in a society where laws are equal and restrictions at a minimum; in an economic system in which national interests are protected and the citizen has the scope of secure livelihood, an assured comfort and full opportunity to rise by merit. <br/> :This freedom, so truly and courageously defined, is not ours today and until this condition is reached, India will never achieve true greatness or happiness, based on the glorious features of her past civilisation. ** ''Speech delivered at Patna University Convocation on 27th November 1937. '' * In India also, for century, education imparted through the medium of a foreign language has unduly dominated its academic life and it has now produced a class of men who are unconsciously so denationalised that any far reaching proposal for the recognition of the Indian languages as the vehicle of teaching and examination up to the highest University stage is either ridiculed as impossible or branded as reactionary. But I plead earnestly for the acceptance of this fundamental principle not on account of any blind adherence to things that I claim as my own but out of a firm conviction that the fullest development of the mind of a learner is possible only by this natural approach and also that by this process alone can there be a great revival of the glory and richness of the Indian languages. ** ''Speech delivered at Agra University Convocation on 23rd November 1940. '' * I would also ask you to fulfil in an abundant measure your obligation for the revival of the glory of Hindu culture and civilisation, not from a narrow or bigoted point of view but for strengthening the very root of nationalism in this country. In this great land of ours where twenty-eight crores of Hindus live, the word Hindu sometimes stinks in the nostrils of many a son of India. ** ''Speech delivered at Benaras Hindu University Convocation on 1st December 1940. '' * Political and social justice requires, not the disintegration of a country and destruction or humiliation of a class which shows initiative, intelligence and drive, but equality of opportunity for all, genuine freedom for self-fulfilment, in which all men irrespective of caste or creed may share. ** ''Speech delivered at Benaras Hindu University Convocation on 1st December 1940. '' * What we deplore is not that the gate of western knowledge was thrown open to Indians, but that such knowledge was imported to India at the sacrifice of our own cultural heritage. What was needed was a proper synthesis between the two systems and not neglect, far less destruction, of the Indian base. ** ''Speech delivered at Gurkula Visvavidyalaya Convocation on 25th April 1943. '' * The very system of education which was deemed essential for forging bonds of unbroken alliance with the British power succeeded in unleashing revolutionary ideas and thoughts, which ultimately helped to throw off the yoke of alien rule in India. If we take a dispassionate view of what happened during the last one century, we must acknowledge that this has been an era in which good has been mixed with evil. The contact between the Indian mind and western thought and civilisation did not enslave the soul of India. In every domain of thought, in arts and architecture, in science, in history, philosophy and letters, in social services and in religious thought, great Indians gave their best, maintaining their stamp of originality as well as imbibing and assimilating fruits of western skill and knowledge. Though the number of Indians affected by such spread of knowledge was comparatively small, many of them assumed a much needed political leadership and became the instruments of agitation and mass movements, leading ultimately to the political liberation of their country. The cultural Renaissance preceded and created the silent Revolution. ** ''Speech delivered at Delhi University Convocation on 13th December 1952. '' (Source: ''Educational Speeches'' by Dr. Shyamaprasad Mookerjee, 1959, A.Mukherjee & Co. (Private) Ltd., 2 College Square, Kolkata 700 012) *[Nehru once told Mookerjee: "We will crush you!"... He replied:] <br> We will crush this crushing mentality. **Cited by A.B. Vajpayee and quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p.158 *A nation that fails to take pride in its past achievements or to take inspiration therefrom, can never build up the present or plan for the future. A weak nation can never attain greatness. ** Dr. Shyama Prasad Mookerjee Quoted from Talreja, K. M. (2000). Holy Vedas and holy Bible: A comparative study. New Delhi: Rashtriya Chetana Sangathan. * ‘He knows much better than even myself the life of misery, shame and humiliation which these millions of Hindus in East Bengal are being forced to live. He said in the course of his speech that whatever happens, India will never agree to any discrimination being made in reference to South Africa, whether it is based on race or religion. When people who had their loyalty fixed upon undivided India, who made Indian freedom possible, and today also naturally look to India for protection and help in emergency, are forced to live in an atmosphere of insecurity and misery and humiliation, then, what is India’s policy in respect of them? Are we so weak as to merely watch and appeal?’ **quoted in Arun Shourie - Self-Deception _ India's China Policies_ Origins, Premises, Lessons-Harper Collins (2013) ch 4. ==Quotes about Shyama Prasad Mookerjee== * His religion was not of the narrow kind. He was catholic in his sympathies and broad-minded in his outlook. Patriotism is not merely love of the land in which we are born; it is respect for the ideals by which we are sustained. That man has a spiritual dimension, that its development can take place in various ways, that we should have respect for all these ways are some of the cardinal features of Indian tradition. It is Indian and not merely Hindu. Shyamaprasad Mookerjee was an ardent advocate of these great ideals. ** ''[[w:Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan|Dr. S. Radhakrishnan]] in Foreword to the “Educational Speeches” of Dr. Shyamapasad Mookerjee.'' ==References== <references/> ==See also== *[[Deendayal Upadhyaya]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mookerjee, Prasad}} [[Category:Politicians from India]] [[Category:Educators from India]] [[Category:1901 births]] [[Category:1953 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from India]] [[Category:Lawyers from India]] [[Category:Hindu nationalists]] [[Category:People from Kolkata]] [[Category:Prisoners]] hnc3c6mwrd8s2irevhttuyk5mi7ohto 0 36674 3944340 3940584 2026-05-23T01:43:31Z ~2026-30607-66 3327673 /* Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14] */ 3944340 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''South Park''/Season 5}} {{South Park header}} '''''[[w:South Park|South Park]]''''' (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] and [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]]. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado. === ''[[w:It Hits the Fan|It Hits the Fan]]'' [5.1] === :'''Cartman''': Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]. :'''Kyle''': There's no sand in my [[w:vagina|vagina]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I said "shit" on television. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it. :'''Kyle''': I don't really give a fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that. :'''Randy''': You mean I can't say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': No, see, you got beeped. :'''Guy''': You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': Yep. :'''Jimbo''': Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." ''[he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]'' :'''Randy''': Hey...you didn't get beeped. :'''Jimbo''': Uh-oh. :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[urgently]'' You guys! Look here! ''[the group rushes over]'' In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]! :'''Kyle''': Cartman, this is serious! :'''Cartman''': So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]] doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. === ''[[w:Cripple Fight|Cripple Fight]]'' [5.2] === :'''Cartman''': Cripple fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[over PA]'' Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid! :'''Stan''': But Dad, I was just trying to- :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant! :'''Stan''': ''[to Cartman]'' Asshole. :'''Randy Marsh''': That's better. :'''Cartman''': Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. ''[imitates Timmy]'' "Timmy!" :'''Timmy''': ''[angry]'' Aah! :'''Jimmy''': ''[continues impression]'' I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years. :'''Stan''': Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Cartman''': That's not funny! [[Jesus Christ]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Jimmy''': Not this year! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the ''hat!'' ''[punches him in the stomach]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': You dirty motherfucker! === ''[[w:Super Best Friends|Super Best Friends]]'' [5.3] === :'''Butters:''' I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. :'''Magic Workshop Leader:''' ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy. :'''Butters:''' ''[coldly]'' And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do ''you'' think I'm unhappy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle?! :''[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]'' :'''Stan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[still off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': ''[follows Kyle's voice]'' Oh my God, they killed Kenny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[to Stan and Kyle]'' Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? ''[laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls]'' Ow! ''[Stan kicks him in the balls]'' Aargh! ''[boys take turns kicking him]'' Stop it! Aaargh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. :'''Butters''': I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle. :'''Stan''' No, I'm Stan. :'''Kyle''': You're Stan? Where's Kenny? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Kyle''': I'm Kyle. :'''Cartman''': He-he, guess who I am, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': I'm not going anywhere. :'''Stan''': Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here! :'''Kyle''': Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. :'''Stan''': Oh wait, who am I again? :'''Kyle''': You're Stan. === ''[[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die|Scott Tenorman Must Die]]'' [5.4] === :''[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]'' :'''Stan''': Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you? :'''Cartman''': Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." [[Braveheart|But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!"]] Now who's with me?!! :''[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]'' :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Cartman''': ''[groans]'' Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy. :'''Timmy''': Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. ''[rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. ''[Chef looks like he's been used]'' It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. ''[Stan and Kyle are stunned]'' I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. ''[a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed]'' I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. ''[a shot of Scott talking with his parents]'' And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. ''[the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]'' :'''Mr. Denkins''': ''[looks of horror surround him]'' Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights. :'''Scott''': My...mom and dad are...dead? ''[a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]'' :'''Cartman''': I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... ''[a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away]'' After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. ''[more faces of horror behind Cartman]'' Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? ''[a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman]'' I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." :'''Scott''': ''[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened]'' Oh my God! ''[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away]'' Oh my God! ''[vomits off to the side]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[leaping up on the table and sings]'' Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! ''[Stan and Kyle are horrified]'' :'''Stan''': Jesus Christ, dude! :'''Scott''': ''[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table]'' My mom and dad are dead! ''[pounds the table]'' No! Nooo! ''[Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Um, excuse me? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Jonny''': We're that band, Radiohead. :'''Ed''': [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby! :'''Colin''': Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby? :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. :'''Ed''': Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. ''[the members of the band start leaving]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. :'''Phil''': Little crybaby. :'''Scott''': ''[gathers himself and looks]'' No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! ''[buries his face in the table and bawls again.]'' Nooo! :'''Cartman:''' ''[walks over to Scott's end of the table]'' Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! ''[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]'' Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. :'''Kyle''': ...Dude, I think it might be best for us to '''''never piss Cartman off again.''''' :'''Stan''': Good call. :'''Cartman''': Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. ''[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]'' Mm-yummy, you guys! ''[fade out, then quickly back in to [[Wikipedia:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]]-style iris]'' a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks! === ''[[w:Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow|Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow]]'' [5.5] === :'''Young Terrance and Phillip''': ''Beef and lamb, chicken and ham'' :''Step to the left and clap your hands!'' :''Gosh, we love that chicken and ham'' :''Don't they love that chicken and ham?'' :'''Woman''': Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads? :'''Man''': It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian. :'''Woman''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war." :'''Terrance''': Here's a missile for ya! ''[farts]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on? :'''Terrance''': I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas. :'''Phillip''': Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? ''[farts; they both laugh]'' :'''Goat Leader''': As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas. :'''Phillip''': Wow, that sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents! :'''Phillip''': Yeah, whatever, kid. :'''Stan''': [[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die| He'll do it]], dude! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, you guys! That line isn't long! :'''Kyle''': Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts! :'''Cartman''': Kenny's a random slut! === ''[[w:Cartmanland|Cartmanland]]'' [5.6] === :'''Kyle''': ''[to God]'' Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right]'' Whoa! Heheh. ''[a skeleton pops out to his right]'' Whoa! ''[a ghost pops on from his left]'' Whoa! Heheheheheh. ''[he exits the ride and ambles back to the road]'' Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh. :'''Kyle''': ''[in the distance, while Cartman speaks]'' Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! ''[the sound of chain-link is heard]'' Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts! :'''Cartman''': ''[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better]'' What the hell? :'''Kyle''': Hohohooho! Oowwww! :'''Cartman''': '''''YOU SONS OF BITCHES!''''' ''[goes towards the source of the sound]'' :''[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]'' :'''Stan''': Come on, dude! :'''Kyle''': OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!! :'''Cartman''': ''[arriving]'' What the hell are you doing?! :'''Stan''': Aw, crap. :'''Kyle''': OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! ''[falls off, but outside the park]'' :'''Stan''': Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle] :'''Kyle''': ''[now standing, rubbing his ass]'' Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!! :'''Stan''': Alright, let's go. :'''Cartman''': ''[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park]'' That's right! You stay out! :'''Stan''': You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better! :'''Kyle''': My life can't get any worse! :'''Stan''': You'll see! We'll get in! ''[walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]'' :'''Cartman''': If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': Agh! ''[the nurse moves the pincers one way]'' Agghh! ''[then another]'' :'''Nurse''': Just a little more. ''[one twist more]'' There we go. ''[withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]'' :'''Gerald''': Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today? :'''Kyle''': ''[the nurse leaves]'' Awesome. ''[Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]'' :'''Sheila''': Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible. :'''Kyle''': I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me? :'''Gerald''': Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. ''[begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears]'' You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. ''[camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair]'' Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children ''[they come out of a building with their mother]'', a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man] :'''Sheila''': ''[a shot of Job petting a bull]'' He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread] :'''Gerald''': He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. ''[Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]'' :'''Sheila''': But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God. :'''Kyle''': ''[still mad]'' Satan talked to God? :'''Sheila''': Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day." :'''Gerald''': But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name." :'''Sheila''': To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name." :'''Gerald''': And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. ''[that scene is shown]'' :'''Sheila''': Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. ''[meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]'' :'''Gerald''': And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. ''[the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]'' :'''Sheila''': Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. ''[Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]'' :'''Gerald''': So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. ''[shown, with the burning fields behind him]'' :'''Sheila''': He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. ''[another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]'' :'''Gerald''': God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." ''[all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[a few seconds later]'' And that's it? That's the end? :'''Sheila''': Basically. :'''Kyle''': That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan? :'''Gerald''': Oh. Uh, I don't know. :'''Kyle''': Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, are you okay? :'''Kyle''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? :'''Stan''': Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in. :'''Sheila''': I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. :'''Stan''': Jesus. :'''Kyle''': But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude. :'''Sheila''': Kyle, don't say such things! :'''Kyle''': Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids? :'''Gerald''': Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- :'''Kyle''': No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? '''''I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! ''[beat]'' Kyle? :'''Kyle''': Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park. :'''Stan''': ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but— :'''Kyle''': ''(in tears)'' Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in [[wikipedia:God in Judaism|Jehovah]]! To believe that we should all [[wikipedia:Judaism#Jewish_observances|behave a certain way]] and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! [[wikipedia:Theodicy|It doesn't make sense! '''''WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!?''''']] Ow!... :'''Stan''': Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? :''Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clerk''': Welcome to Cartmanland. :''[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]'' :'''Sheila''': Isn't he getting any better, doctor? :'''Doctor''': I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run.'' [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]'' :'''Announcer''': And now back to Money Quest, on HBC. :'''Host 1''': ''[Camera zooms in on the two hosts]'' Welcome back to Money Quest. ''[Kyle looks at the show]'' In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman ''[his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts]'' has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. :'''Host 2''': And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing. :'''Host 1''': Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country. :''[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]'' :'''Waitress''': I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now. :''[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....] :'''Clerk''': No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in. :''[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]'' :'''Associate''': ''[the shoppers rush out of there]'' Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! ''[kicks the last shopper out]'' :''[Back to Money Quest...]'' :'''Host 1''': Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. :''[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]'' :'''Kyle''': Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... ''[passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]'' :'''Sheila''': ''[approaches]'' Kyle? Kyle? ''[turns to Gerald]'' Get the doctor! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Fun''': My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around! :'''Chris''': He sure did. :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this. :'''Cartman''': Hey, there you are! :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success. :'''Cartman''': Just give me my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': What? :'''Cartman''': I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park. :'''Mr. Fun''': ..But it's doing great! :'''Cartman''': You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!! :'''Mr. Fun''': You bet! I'll go get your money right now! ''[both leave]'' :'''Kid''': Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets? :'''Cartman''': '''''GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY''!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gerald''': Isn't he responding at all, doctor? :'''Doctor''': ''[turns around to face them]'' I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life. :'''Sheila''': But then... are you saying...? :'''Doctor''': There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live. :'''Sheila''': ''[walks up to Kyle]'' Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! :''[North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]'' :'''Cartman''': Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! ''[three men in suits approach Cartman]'' :'''Agent''': Excuse me? Eric Cartman? :'''Cartman''': ''[turns to face them]'' Yeah? :'''Agent''': I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. ''[to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]'' :'''Cartman''': Hey. Hey, that's my money! :'''Mr. Garrett''': There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. ''[takes the wagon with the other half million]'' :'''Cartman''': What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time! :'''Mr. Garrett''': You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. ''[the men walk away with the million]'' :'''Cartman''': Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit! :'''Mr. Garrett''': We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time. :'''Cartman''': Ah! But I-I-I... ''[sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him]'' Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': Nohoho way, José! :'''Cartman''': But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything! :'''Mr. Fun''': "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." ''[turns around and disappears into the crowd]'' :'''Cartman''': This can't be happening! '''''AGGGHH!!''''' :''[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around] :'''Sheila''': ''[sadly]'' Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest] :'''Stan''': Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached? :'''Doctor''': Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-- :'''Stan''': Then damnit man, do it! :''[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]'' :'''Cartman''': It isn't fair! ''[throws another stone]'' You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! ''[throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]'' :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle. Look. ''[smiles]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! ''[throws another stone]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[more alert]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': '''I'M SO PISSED OFF!''' ''[the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]'' :'''Security Guard''': Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property! :'''Cartman''': Ey! You used to work for me! ''[the guard sprays Cartman in the face]'' Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! ''[coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle! :'''Doctor''': He's coming back. :'''Sheila''': That's it, baby. That's it. :'''Cartman''': Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks! :'''Doctor''': Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission! :'''Hemorrhoid''': ''[receding into the colon]'' Oh, shit! :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it. :'''Cartman''': It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! ''[Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]'' :'''Kyle''': You ''are'' up there! ''[smiles]'' === ''[[w:Proper Condom Use|Proper Condom Use]]'' [5.7] === :'''Randy''': ''[screams]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?''' :'''Stan''': I'm [[Masturbation|beating off]] the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :''[everyone is shocked]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!''''' :'''Stan''': My room? Why? :'''Sharon''': Go, Stanley! ''[Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously]'' He gets very good grades. ''[Later, in Stan's room; sternly]'' Stanley, do you know ''why'' you're being grounded for ten months? :'''Stan''': No. :'''Randy''': Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. ''[Sharon glares at him]'' Uh, I mean ''ever''- beating off the dog is not appropriate ''ever''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Choksondik''': You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': The right time to start having sex is 17. :'''Sheila''': So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? :'''Chef''': Nope, just 17. :'''Gerald''': But what if you're not ready at 17? :'''Chef''': [[wikipedia:Ages_of_consent_in_the_United_States#Colorado|17, you're ready.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car]'' So, we meet again, [[Jennifer Lopez]]. :'''Kyle''': ''[as Jennifer Lopez]'' No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies! :'''Stan''': That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. ''[pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]'' :'''Kyle''': AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS! :'''Stan''': Scream for me, bitch! :'''Kyle''': AH! :''[the doll's face melts off]'' :'''Kyle and Stan''': Whoa, awesome! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny? :'''Jenny''': It flies around and it's endangered. :'''Mr. Garrison''': That's a ''condor'', Jenny. ''Condor.'' Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore? :'''Fillmore''': Can we do finger paints? :'''Mr. Garrison''': NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. ''[pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo]'' First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth ''[he does so]'' ...and apply. ''[it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry]'' And it's as easy as that. Any questions? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': [[w:Human sexuality|Sex is emotional and spiritual]]. It needs to be taught by family. [[w:The birds and the bees|I know it can be hard, parents]], but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know ''who'' they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey]'' someone who has a bad opinion of it, ''[pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully]'' or even a complete pervert. ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]'' :'''Mr. Garrison''': ''[offended]'' Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. ''[She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Are you wearing a condom? :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Oh, well. Fuck it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, what the heck are you doing? :'''Cartman''': I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Why are you wearing a condom? :'''Cartman''': So I don't get [[w:AIDS|AIDS]]. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]'' :'''Male Pharmacist''': Can I help you boys? :'''Stan''': Yeah, we need condoms! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Condoms... :'''Kyle''': Yeah, quick! :'''Male Pharmacist''': ...How old are you boys? :'''Stan''': Why does that matter? :'''Butters''': I'll be 9 next week! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms. :'''Kyle''': Why not?! You want us to get AIDS? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just don't think kids your age should-- :'''Female Pharmacist''': Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them. :'''Male Pharmacist''': But...they're children! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Would you rather them do it unprotected? :'''Cartman''': Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. :'''Stan''': Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side. :'''Male Pharmacist''': I don't even think we'll have any that fit them! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50. :'''Butters''': 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?! :'''Female Pharmacist''': No, you have to change them. :'''Kyle''': Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are reading the condom instructions]'' :'''Stan''': Doesn't it give any other directions? :'''Butters''': Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. ''[reading the disclaimer]'' If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [STD's] :'''Kyle''': What are studs? :'''Butters''': Huh...how the heck should I know? ''[opens condom]'' Why, it's just a little doughnut! ''[touches it]'' Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey! :'''Cartman''': Just put it on, Butters. :'''Butters''': How come I got to go first? :'''Cartman''': Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering? :'''Butters''': Oh all right then. ''[turns around and pulls his pants down]'' Oh, it's all sticky. :'''Kyle''': It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. :'''Butters''': I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. ''[Cartman looks over]'' :'''Stan''': Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo! :'''Cartman''': I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on! :'''Kyle''': Sure... :'''Butters''': But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something. :'''Tweek''': Gah! I got rubber bands! :'''Butters''': ''[fastening the condom with rubber bands]'' Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on. :'''Stan''': How do you feel? :'''Butters''': ...Pretty good. :'''Cartman''': Do you feel protected? :'''Butters''': Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. :'''Stan''': All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on. :'''Timmy''': TIMMEH! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]'' :'''Wendy:''' ''[at the helm of a gun turret]'' Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant! :'''Bebe:''' Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever! :'''Stan:''' Ha! They're your diseases! :'''Kyle:''' Yeah! ''You'' get out of town! :'''Cartman:''' Here, talk to them, Butters. :'''Butters:''' ''[lifts up his mask]'' Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say? :'''Cartman:''' Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence. :'''Butters:''' ''[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice]'' '''Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.''' :'''Kyle:''' ''[to Stan]'' Man, he's pretty good. === ''[[w:Towelie (South Park episode)|Towelie]]'' [5.8] === :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Towelie, you are the worst character ever. :'''Towelie''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time. :'''Towelie''': Don't preach to me, fatso! :'''Cartman''': I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE stupid! :'''Cartman''': Oh, yeah, well you're a towel! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE a towel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': That's my last J, asshole! === ''[[w:Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants|Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants]]'' [5.9] === :'''Stan''': America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I told you, [[w:List of Star Wars races (F-J)#Jawa|jawa]]s have no heart. :'''Kyle''': Jawas? :'''Cartman''': You know, [[w:Tusken Raider|sand people]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan's Afghan counterpart''': ''[to the other counterparts]'' We're speaking in English; does that make sense? <hr width="50%"/> :'''CNN Newscaster''': The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women! :'''Afghan Kid''': It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's. :'''Stan''': ''[to Kyle]'' He's got us there, dude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel! ''[the boys are irritated]'' :'''Cartman''': Oh no, not Towelie. :'''Towelie''': When going some place new, you should always bring a towel. :'''Stan''': Okay, thanks, Towelie. :'''Towelie''': You want to get high? :'''Cartman''': ''[talking fast]'' NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH! :'''Towelie''': You mean, you don't want Towelie around? :'''Cartman''': That's right! :'''Towelie''': So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? ''[chuckles. The boys are irritated again]'' :'''Stan''': God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie! :'''Towelie''': Alright, see ya. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about ''[checks his watch]'' eight weeks now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]'' :'''Kyle''': Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it? :'''Cartman''': Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you. :'''Stan''': Cartman, you stupid asshole. === ''[[w:How to Eat with Your Butt|How to Eat with Your Butt]]'' [5.10] === :'''Photographer''': Take off your hat, please? :'''Kyle''': But I never take off my hat. :'''Photographer''': Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural. :'''Kyle''': This ''is'' how I look natural. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Why did the...pigeon cross the road? :'''Cartman''': Okay, why? :'''Jimmy''': Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken. === ''[[w:The Entity (South Park)|The Entity]]'' [5.11] === :''[Kyle Broflovski = Kyle. Kyle’s cousin = Kyle 2]'' :''[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]'' :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class. :'''Cartman''': Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit! :'''Kyle''': Cartman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': ''[after seeing commercial for IT]'' That looks pretty gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Garrison''': Excuse me what the hell are you doing? :'''Government agent 1''': It's alright we're with the government. :'''Government agent 2''': We're just shutting you down. :'''Mr Garrison''': Shutting me down why? :'''Government agent 3''': The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money. :'''Mr Garrison''': Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down! :'''Agent 4''': Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal. :'''Mr Garrsion''': OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding! :'''Agent 5''': Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired. :'''Mr Garrison''': THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!! :'''Agent 6''': That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. :'''Mr Garrison''': HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! === ''[[w:Here Comes the Neighborhood|Here Comes the Neighborhood]]'' [5.12] === :'''Will Smith Jr''': ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Token''': ''(singing)'' Why can't I be like all the other kids?<br/>They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns<br/>And cut-up hot dogs for lunch<br/>It's not my fault my parents succeed so much<br/>There's no one in town I can relate to<br/>I play with autographed baseball bats<br/>While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones<br/>Has a boy ever felt so alone?<br/>Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not<br/>If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got<br/>If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around<br/>So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down<br/>Please, God, send more rich kids…<br/>To my… town.<br/>I don't fit in anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- ''[episode ends]'' === ''[[w:Kenny Dies|Kenny Dies]]'' [5.13] === :'''Cartman''': ''[on the phone]'' Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, :'''Chuck:''' I wasn't born yesterday either! <hr width=50% /> :''[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again. :'''Kyle''': ''[he and Stan take their seats]'' Yeah, they're gonna get busted again. :'''Ms. Choksondik''': ''[enters carrying a few books]'' Alright, class, let's take our seats. ''[seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class]'' Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office. :'''Stan''': The principal? Aw, come on! :'''Kyle''': We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': She needs to see you now. ''[points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]'' :'''Kyle''': Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat. :''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]'' :'''Principal Victoria''': Hello, boys. :'''Stan''': Wait. What's going on here? ''[he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]'' :'''Kyle''': Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know. :'''Mr. Mackey''': ''[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey]'' You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. ''[the boys each take a chair and sit down]'' Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. ''[the boys look stunned]'' And well, he's pretty sick. ''[Sharon leans on Randy]'' :'''Kyle''': Kenny's sick? :'''Stan''': Well, how sick? :'''Chef''': Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease. :'''Stan''': ''[after a pause]'' ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right? :'''Sharon''': Oh dear. ''[buries her face in Randy's shoulder]'' :'''Stan''': Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better. :'''Sharon''': Randy... :'''Randy''': They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon. :'''Kyle''': Wait. Kenny's going to die? :'''Gerald''': He might, Kyle. :'''Stan''': ''[tearing up]'' ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend. :'''Mr. Mackey''': We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever. :'''Stan''': No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! ''[buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a ''fetal'' mistake. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend? :'''Chef''': There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about [[wikipedia:Fall_of_man|something we did thousands of years ago]] - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand? :'''Stan''': Then why does God give us anything to start with? :'''Chef''': Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. :'''Stan''': I think I understand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny has just died]'' :'''Stan''': Did he say anything before he went? :'''Kyle''': He just said, "Where's Stan?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile. === ''[[w:Butters' Very Own Episode|Butters' Very Own Episode]]'' [5.14] === :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who loves VMCS? That stands for Very Merry Christmas Songs? Who's the kid with the voices in his head? Everyone knows it's Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who does stupid things? Who thinks All Dogs Go To Heaven is the best? Who's that moron with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone hates Butters! Butters: That's me! :'''Singers''': Making children cry, wasting his own time, petting a horse in the stables, named Stella Dallas. :'''Butters''': I love you. :'''Singers''': Who's the little twerp with the ugly little dimples? Being unpopular to everybody? If we just ground him forever, we all might be jolly. Ground a little boy named Butters! :'''Butters''': Aw, dang it! :'''Butters''': ''[on seeing his dad "wrestling"]'' Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying' "nut sack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. ''[slaps his right hand with his left]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truck Driver''': Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]]. :'''Butters''': Yeah. I could use some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]] myself right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? :'''Old Man''': That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. ''[indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest]'' Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys''': One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are [[w:JonBenét Ramsey|the Ramseys]], [[w:Gary Condit|Congressman Condit]], and [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J.]]. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" ''[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]'' "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that ''murderer"''! ''[a shot of O.J.]'' ''"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"'' ''[back to Chris]'' And to me, people might say things like, ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, ''[a shot of the Ramseys]'' "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" ''[a shot of O.J.]'' "CONFESS!" ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! CONFESS!!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Let's sing Jingle Bells! Sing along with me! == External links == {{wikipedia|South Park season 5}} [[Category:South Park seasons|05]] 4b9inkhnoyezkfr0g7li6ehn4gi3jjf 3944341 3944340 2026-05-23T01:43:52Z ~2026-30607-66 3327673 /* Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14] */ 3944341 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''South Park''/Season 5}} {{South Park header}} '''''[[w:South Park|South Park]]''''' (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] and [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]]. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado. === ''[[w:It Hits the Fan|It Hits the Fan]]'' [5.1] === :'''Cartman''': Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]. :'''Kyle''': There's no sand in my [[w:vagina|vagina]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I said "shit" on television. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it. :'''Kyle''': I don't really give a fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that. :'''Randy''': You mean I can't say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': No, see, you got beeped. :'''Guy''': You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': Yep. :'''Jimbo''': Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." ''[he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]'' :'''Randy''': Hey...you didn't get beeped. :'''Jimbo''': Uh-oh. :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[urgently]'' You guys! Look here! ''[the group rushes over]'' In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]! :'''Kyle''': Cartman, this is serious! :'''Cartman''': So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]] doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. === ''[[w:Cripple Fight|Cripple Fight]]'' [5.2] === :'''Cartman''': Cripple fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[over PA]'' Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid! :'''Stan''': But Dad, I was just trying to- :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant! :'''Stan''': ''[to Cartman]'' Asshole. :'''Randy Marsh''': That's better. :'''Cartman''': Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. ''[imitates Timmy]'' "Timmy!" :'''Timmy''': ''[angry]'' Aah! :'''Jimmy''': ''[continues impression]'' I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years. :'''Stan''': Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Cartman''': That's not funny! [[Jesus Christ]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Jimmy''': Not this year! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the ''hat!'' ''[punches him in the stomach]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': You dirty motherfucker! === ''[[w:Super Best Friends|Super Best Friends]]'' [5.3] === :'''Butters:''' I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. :'''Magic Workshop Leader:''' ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy. :'''Butters:''' ''[coldly]'' And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do ''you'' think I'm unhappy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle?! :''[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]'' :'''Stan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[still off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': ''[follows Kyle's voice]'' Oh my God, they killed Kenny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[to Stan and Kyle]'' Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? ''[laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls]'' Ow! ''[Stan kicks him in the balls]'' Aargh! ''[boys take turns kicking him]'' Stop it! Aaargh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. :'''Butters''': I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle. :'''Stan''' No, I'm Stan. :'''Kyle''': You're Stan? Where's Kenny? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Kyle''': I'm Kyle. :'''Cartman''': He-he, guess who I am, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': I'm not going anywhere. :'''Stan''': Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here! :'''Kyle''': Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. :'''Stan''': Oh wait, who am I again? :'''Kyle''': You're Stan. === ''[[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die|Scott Tenorman Must Die]]'' [5.4] === :''[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]'' :'''Stan''': Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you? :'''Cartman''': Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." [[Braveheart|But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!"]] Now who's with me?!! :''[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]'' :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Cartman''': ''[groans]'' Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy. :'''Timmy''': Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. ''[rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. ''[Chef looks like he's been used]'' It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. ''[Stan and Kyle are stunned]'' I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. ''[a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed]'' I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. ''[a shot of Scott talking with his parents]'' And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. ''[the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]'' :'''Mr. Denkins''': ''[looks of horror surround him]'' Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights. :'''Scott''': My...mom and dad are...dead? ''[a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]'' :'''Cartman''': I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... ''[a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away]'' After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. ''[more faces of horror behind Cartman]'' Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? ''[a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman]'' I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." :'''Scott''': ''[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened]'' Oh my God! ''[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away]'' Oh my God! ''[vomits off to the side]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[leaping up on the table and sings]'' Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! ''[Stan and Kyle are horrified]'' :'''Stan''': Jesus Christ, dude! :'''Scott''': ''[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table]'' My mom and dad are dead! ''[pounds the table]'' No! Nooo! ''[Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Um, excuse me? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Jonny''': We're that band, Radiohead. :'''Ed''': [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby! :'''Colin''': Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby? :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. :'''Ed''': Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. ''[the members of the band start leaving]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. :'''Phil''': Little crybaby. :'''Scott''': ''[gathers himself and looks]'' No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! ''[buries his face in the table and bawls again.]'' Nooo! :'''Cartman:''' ''[walks over to Scott's end of the table]'' Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! ''[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]'' Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. :'''Kyle''': ...Dude, I think it might be best for us to '''''never piss Cartman off again.''''' :'''Stan''': Good call. :'''Cartman''': Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. ''[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]'' Mm-yummy, you guys! ''[fade out, then quickly back in to [[Wikipedia:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]]-style iris]'' a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks! === ''[[w:Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow|Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow]]'' [5.5] === :'''Young Terrance and Phillip''': ''Beef and lamb, chicken and ham'' :''Step to the left and clap your hands!'' :''Gosh, we love that chicken and ham'' :''Don't they love that chicken and ham?'' :'''Woman''': Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads? :'''Man''': It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian. :'''Woman''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war." :'''Terrance''': Here's a missile for ya! ''[farts]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on? :'''Terrance''': I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas. :'''Phillip''': Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? ''[farts; they both laugh]'' :'''Goat Leader''': As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas. :'''Phillip''': Wow, that sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents! :'''Phillip''': Yeah, whatever, kid. :'''Stan''': [[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die| He'll do it]], dude! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, you guys! That line isn't long! :'''Kyle''': Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts! :'''Cartman''': Kenny's a random slut! === ''[[w:Cartmanland|Cartmanland]]'' [5.6] === :'''Kyle''': ''[to God]'' Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right]'' Whoa! Heheh. ''[a skeleton pops out to his right]'' Whoa! ''[a ghost pops on from his left]'' Whoa! Heheheheheh. ''[he exits the ride and ambles back to the road]'' Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh. :'''Kyle''': ''[in the distance, while Cartman speaks]'' Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! ''[the sound of chain-link is heard]'' Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts! :'''Cartman''': ''[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better]'' What the hell? :'''Kyle''': Hohohooho! Oowwww! :'''Cartman''': '''''YOU SONS OF BITCHES!''''' ''[goes towards the source of the sound]'' :''[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]'' :'''Stan''': Come on, dude! :'''Kyle''': OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!! :'''Cartman''': ''[arriving]'' What the hell are you doing?! :'''Stan''': Aw, crap. :'''Kyle''': OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! ''[falls off, but outside the park]'' :'''Stan''': Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle] :'''Kyle''': ''[now standing, rubbing his ass]'' Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!! :'''Stan''': Alright, let's go. :'''Cartman''': ''[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park]'' That's right! You stay out! :'''Stan''': You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better! :'''Kyle''': My life can't get any worse! :'''Stan''': You'll see! We'll get in! ''[walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]'' :'''Cartman''': If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': Agh! ''[the nurse moves the pincers one way]'' Agghh! ''[then another]'' :'''Nurse''': Just a little more. ''[one twist more]'' There we go. ''[withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]'' :'''Gerald''': Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today? :'''Kyle''': ''[the nurse leaves]'' Awesome. ''[Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]'' :'''Sheila''': Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible. :'''Kyle''': I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me? :'''Gerald''': Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. ''[begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears]'' You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. ''[camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair]'' Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children ''[they come out of a building with their mother]'', a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man] :'''Sheila''': ''[a shot of Job petting a bull]'' He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread] :'''Gerald''': He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. ''[Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]'' :'''Sheila''': But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God. :'''Kyle''': ''[still mad]'' Satan talked to God? :'''Sheila''': Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day." :'''Gerald''': But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name." :'''Sheila''': To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name." :'''Gerald''': And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. ''[that scene is shown]'' :'''Sheila''': Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. ''[meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]'' :'''Gerald''': And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. ''[the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]'' :'''Sheila''': Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. ''[Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]'' :'''Gerald''': So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. ''[shown, with the burning fields behind him]'' :'''Sheila''': He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. ''[another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]'' :'''Gerald''': God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." ''[all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[a few seconds later]'' And that's it? That's the end? :'''Sheila''': Basically. :'''Kyle''': That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan? :'''Gerald''': Oh. Uh, I don't know. :'''Kyle''': Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, are you okay? :'''Kyle''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? :'''Stan''': Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in. :'''Sheila''': I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. :'''Stan''': Jesus. :'''Kyle''': But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude. :'''Sheila''': Kyle, don't say such things! :'''Kyle''': Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids? :'''Gerald''': Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- :'''Kyle''': No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? '''''I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! ''[beat]'' Kyle? :'''Kyle''': Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park. :'''Stan''': ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but— :'''Kyle''': ''(in tears)'' Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in [[wikipedia:God in Judaism|Jehovah]]! To believe that we should all [[wikipedia:Judaism#Jewish_observances|behave a certain way]] and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! [[wikipedia:Theodicy|It doesn't make sense! '''''WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!?''''']] Ow!... :'''Stan''': Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? :''Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clerk''': Welcome to Cartmanland. :''[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]'' :'''Sheila''': Isn't he getting any better, doctor? :'''Doctor''': I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run.'' [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]'' :'''Announcer''': And now back to Money Quest, on HBC. :'''Host 1''': ''[Camera zooms in on the two hosts]'' Welcome back to Money Quest. ''[Kyle looks at the show]'' In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman ''[his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts]'' has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. :'''Host 2''': And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing. :'''Host 1''': Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country. :''[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]'' :'''Waitress''': I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now. :''[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....] :'''Clerk''': No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in. :''[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]'' :'''Associate''': ''[the shoppers rush out of there]'' Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! ''[kicks the last shopper out]'' :''[Back to Money Quest...]'' :'''Host 1''': Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. :''[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]'' :'''Kyle''': Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... ''[passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]'' :'''Sheila''': ''[approaches]'' Kyle? Kyle? ''[turns to Gerald]'' Get the doctor! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Fun''': My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around! :'''Chris''': He sure did. :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this. :'''Cartman''': Hey, there you are! :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success. :'''Cartman''': Just give me my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': What? :'''Cartman''': I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park. :'''Mr. Fun''': ..But it's doing great! :'''Cartman''': You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!! :'''Mr. Fun''': You bet! I'll go get your money right now! ''[both leave]'' :'''Kid''': Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets? :'''Cartman''': '''''GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY''!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gerald''': Isn't he responding at all, doctor? :'''Doctor''': ''[turns around to face them]'' I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life. :'''Sheila''': But then... are you saying...? :'''Doctor''': There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live. :'''Sheila''': ''[walks up to Kyle]'' Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! :''[North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]'' :'''Cartman''': Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! ''[three men in suits approach Cartman]'' :'''Agent''': Excuse me? Eric Cartman? :'''Cartman''': ''[turns to face them]'' Yeah? :'''Agent''': I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. ''[to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]'' :'''Cartman''': Hey. Hey, that's my money! :'''Mr. Garrett''': There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. ''[takes the wagon with the other half million]'' :'''Cartman''': What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time! :'''Mr. Garrett''': You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. ''[the men walk away with the million]'' :'''Cartman''': Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit! :'''Mr. Garrett''': We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time. :'''Cartman''': Ah! But I-I-I... ''[sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him]'' Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': Nohoho way, José! :'''Cartman''': But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything! :'''Mr. Fun''': "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." ''[turns around and disappears into the crowd]'' :'''Cartman''': This can't be happening! '''''AGGGHH!!''''' :''[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around] :'''Sheila''': ''[sadly]'' Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest] :'''Stan''': Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached? :'''Doctor''': Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-- :'''Stan''': Then damnit man, do it! :''[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]'' :'''Cartman''': It isn't fair! ''[throws another stone]'' You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! ''[throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]'' :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle. Look. ''[smiles]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! ''[throws another stone]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[more alert]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': '''I'M SO PISSED OFF!''' ''[the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]'' :'''Security Guard''': Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property! :'''Cartman''': Ey! You used to work for me! ''[the guard sprays Cartman in the face]'' Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! ''[coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle! :'''Doctor''': He's coming back. :'''Sheila''': That's it, baby. That's it. :'''Cartman''': Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks! :'''Doctor''': Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission! :'''Hemorrhoid''': ''[receding into the colon]'' Oh, shit! :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it. :'''Cartman''': It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! ''[Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]'' :'''Kyle''': You ''are'' up there! ''[smiles]'' === ''[[w:Proper Condom Use|Proper Condom Use]]'' [5.7] === :'''Randy''': ''[screams]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?''' :'''Stan''': I'm [[Masturbation|beating off]] the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :''[everyone is shocked]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!''''' :'''Stan''': My room? Why? :'''Sharon''': Go, Stanley! ''[Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously]'' He gets very good grades. ''[Later, in Stan's room; sternly]'' Stanley, do you know ''why'' you're being grounded for ten months? :'''Stan''': No. :'''Randy''': Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. ''[Sharon glares at him]'' Uh, I mean ''ever''- beating off the dog is not appropriate ''ever''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Choksondik''': You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': The right time to start having sex is 17. :'''Sheila''': So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? :'''Chef''': Nope, just 17. :'''Gerald''': But what if you're not ready at 17? :'''Chef''': [[wikipedia:Ages_of_consent_in_the_United_States#Colorado|17, you're ready.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car]'' So, we meet again, [[Jennifer Lopez]]. :'''Kyle''': ''[as Jennifer Lopez]'' No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies! :'''Stan''': That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. ''[pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]'' :'''Kyle''': AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS! :'''Stan''': Scream for me, bitch! :'''Kyle''': AH! :''[the doll's face melts off]'' :'''Kyle and Stan''': Whoa, awesome! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny? :'''Jenny''': It flies around and it's endangered. :'''Mr. Garrison''': That's a ''condor'', Jenny. ''Condor.'' Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore? :'''Fillmore''': Can we do finger paints? :'''Mr. Garrison''': NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. ''[pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo]'' First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth ''[he does so]'' ...and apply. ''[it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry]'' And it's as easy as that. Any questions? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': [[w:Human sexuality|Sex is emotional and spiritual]]. It needs to be taught by family. [[w:The birds and the bees|I know it can be hard, parents]], but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know ''who'' they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey]'' someone who has a bad opinion of it, ''[pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully]'' or even a complete pervert. ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]'' :'''Mr. Garrison''': ''[offended]'' Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. ''[She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Are you wearing a condom? :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Oh, well. Fuck it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, what the heck are you doing? :'''Cartman''': I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Why are you wearing a condom? :'''Cartman''': So I don't get [[w:AIDS|AIDS]]. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]'' :'''Male Pharmacist''': Can I help you boys? :'''Stan''': Yeah, we need condoms! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Condoms... :'''Kyle''': Yeah, quick! :'''Male Pharmacist''': ...How old are you boys? :'''Stan''': Why does that matter? :'''Butters''': I'll be 9 next week! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms. :'''Kyle''': Why not?! You want us to get AIDS? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just don't think kids your age should-- :'''Female Pharmacist''': Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them. :'''Male Pharmacist''': But...they're children! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Would you rather them do it unprotected? :'''Cartman''': Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. :'''Stan''': Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side. :'''Male Pharmacist''': I don't even think we'll have any that fit them! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50. :'''Butters''': 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?! :'''Female Pharmacist''': No, you have to change them. :'''Kyle''': Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are reading the condom instructions]'' :'''Stan''': Doesn't it give any other directions? :'''Butters''': Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. ''[reading the disclaimer]'' If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [STD's] :'''Kyle''': What are studs? :'''Butters''': Huh...how the heck should I know? ''[opens condom]'' Why, it's just a little doughnut! ''[touches it]'' Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey! :'''Cartman''': Just put it on, Butters. :'''Butters''': How come I got to go first? :'''Cartman''': Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering? :'''Butters''': Oh all right then. ''[turns around and pulls his pants down]'' Oh, it's all sticky. :'''Kyle''': It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. :'''Butters''': I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. ''[Cartman looks over]'' :'''Stan''': Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo! :'''Cartman''': I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on! :'''Kyle''': Sure... :'''Butters''': But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something. :'''Tweek''': Gah! I got rubber bands! :'''Butters''': ''[fastening the condom with rubber bands]'' Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on. :'''Stan''': How do you feel? :'''Butters''': ...Pretty good. :'''Cartman''': Do you feel protected? :'''Butters''': Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. :'''Stan''': All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on. :'''Timmy''': TIMMEH! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]'' :'''Wendy:''' ''[at the helm of a gun turret]'' Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant! :'''Bebe:''' Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever! :'''Stan:''' Ha! They're your diseases! :'''Kyle:''' Yeah! ''You'' get out of town! :'''Cartman:''' Here, talk to them, Butters. :'''Butters:''' ''[lifts up his mask]'' Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say? :'''Cartman:''' Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence. :'''Butters:''' ''[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice]'' '''Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.''' :'''Kyle:''' ''[to Stan]'' Man, he's pretty good. === ''[[w:Towelie (South Park episode)|Towelie]]'' [5.8] === :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Towelie, you are the worst character ever. :'''Towelie''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time. :'''Towelie''': Don't preach to me, fatso! :'''Cartman''': I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE stupid! :'''Cartman''': Oh, yeah, well you're a towel! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE a towel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': That's my last J, asshole! === ''[[w:Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants|Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants]]'' [5.9] === :'''Stan''': America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I told you, [[w:List of Star Wars races (F-J)#Jawa|jawa]]s have no heart. :'''Kyle''': Jawas? :'''Cartman''': You know, [[w:Tusken Raider|sand people]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan's Afghan counterpart''': ''[to the other counterparts]'' We're speaking in English; does that make sense? <hr width="50%"/> :'''CNN Newscaster''': The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women! :'''Afghan Kid''': It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's. :'''Stan''': ''[to Kyle]'' He's got us there, dude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel! ''[the boys are irritated]'' :'''Cartman''': Oh no, not Towelie. :'''Towelie''': When going some place new, you should always bring a towel. :'''Stan''': Okay, thanks, Towelie. :'''Towelie''': You want to get high? :'''Cartman''': ''[talking fast]'' NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH! :'''Towelie''': You mean, you don't want Towelie around? :'''Cartman''': That's right! :'''Towelie''': So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? ''[chuckles. The boys are irritated again]'' :'''Stan''': God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie! :'''Towelie''': Alright, see ya. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about ''[checks his watch]'' eight weeks now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]'' :'''Kyle''': Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it? :'''Cartman''': Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you. :'''Stan''': Cartman, you stupid asshole. === ''[[w:How to Eat with Your Butt|How to Eat with Your Butt]]'' [5.10] === :'''Photographer''': Take off your hat, please? :'''Kyle''': But I never take off my hat. :'''Photographer''': Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural. :'''Kyle''': This ''is'' how I look natural. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Why did the...pigeon cross the road? :'''Cartman''': Okay, why? :'''Jimmy''': Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken. === ''[[w:The Entity (South Park)|The Entity]]'' [5.11] === :''[Kyle Broflovski = Kyle. Kyle’s cousin = Kyle 2]'' :''[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]'' :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class. :'''Cartman''': Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit! :'''Kyle''': Cartman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': ''[after seeing commercial for IT]'' That looks pretty gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Garrison''': Excuse me what the hell are you doing? :'''Government agent 1''': It's alright we're with the government. :'''Government agent 2''': We're just shutting you down. :'''Mr Garrison''': Shutting me down why? :'''Government agent 3''': The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money. :'''Mr Garrison''': Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down! :'''Agent 4''': Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal. :'''Mr Garrsion''': OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding! :'''Agent 5''': Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired. :'''Mr Garrison''': THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!! :'''Agent 6''': That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. :'''Mr Garrison''': HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! === ''[[w:Here Comes the Neighborhood|Here Comes the Neighborhood]]'' [5.12] === :'''Will Smith Jr''': ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Token''': ''(singing)'' Why can't I be like all the other kids?<br/>They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns<br/>And cut-up hot dogs for lunch<br/>It's not my fault my parents succeed so much<br/>There's no one in town I can relate to<br/>I play with autographed baseball bats<br/>While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones<br/>Has a boy ever felt so alone?<br/>Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not<br/>If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got<br/>If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around<br/>So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down<br/>Please, God, send more rich kids…<br/>To my… town.<br/>I don't fit in anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- ''[episode ends]'' === ''[[w:Kenny Dies|Kenny Dies]]'' [5.13] === :'''Cartman''': ''[on the phone]'' Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, :'''Chuck:''' I wasn't born yesterday either! <hr width=50% /> :''[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again. :'''Kyle''': ''[he and Stan take their seats]'' Yeah, they're gonna get busted again. :'''Ms. Choksondik''': ''[enters carrying a few books]'' Alright, class, let's take our seats. ''[seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class]'' Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office. :'''Stan''': The principal? Aw, come on! :'''Kyle''': We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': She needs to see you now. ''[points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]'' :'''Kyle''': Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat. :''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]'' :'''Principal Victoria''': Hello, boys. :'''Stan''': Wait. What's going on here? ''[he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]'' :'''Kyle''': Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know. :'''Mr. Mackey''': ''[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey]'' You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. ''[the boys each take a chair and sit down]'' Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. ''[the boys look stunned]'' And well, he's pretty sick. ''[Sharon leans on Randy]'' :'''Kyle''': Kenny's sick? :'''Stan''': Well, how sick? :'''Chef''': Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease. :'''Stan''': ''[after a pause]'' ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right? :'''Sharon''': Oh dear. ''[buries her face in Randy's shoulder]'' :'''Stan''': Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better. :'''Sharon''': Randy... :'''Randy''': They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon. :'''Kyle''': Wait. Kenny's going to die? :'''Gerald''': He might, Kyle. :'''Stan''': ''[tearing up]'' ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend. :'''Mr. Mackey''': We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever. :'''Stan''': No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! ''[buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a ''fetal'' mistake. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend? :'''Chef''': There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about [[wikipedia:Fall_of_man|something we did thousands of years ago]] - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand? :'''Stan''': Then why does God give us anything to start with? :'''Chef''': Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. :'''Stan''': I think I understand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny has just died]'' :'''Stan''': Did he say anything before he went? :'''Kyle''': He just said, "Where's Stan?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile. === ''[[w:Butters' Very Own Episode|Butters' Very Own Episode]]'' [5.14] === :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who loves VMCS? That stands for Very Merry Christmas Songs? Who's the kid with the voices in his head? Everyone knows it's Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who does stupid things? Who thinks All Dogs Go To Heaven is the best? Who's that moron with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone hates Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Making children cry, wasting his own time, petting a horse in the stables, named Stella Dallas. :'''Butters''': I love you. :'''Singers''': Who's the little twerp with the ugly little dimples? Being unpopular to everybody? If we just ground him forever, we all might be jolly. Ground a little boy named Butters! :'''Butters''': Aw, dang it! :'''Butters''': ''[on seeing his dad "wrestling"]'' Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying' "nut sack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. ''[slaps his right hand with his left]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truck Driver''': Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]]. :'''Butters''': Yeah. I could use some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]] myself right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? :'''Old Man''': That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. ''[indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest]'' Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys''': One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are [[w:JonBenét Ramsey|the Ramseys]], [[w:Gary Condit|Congressman Condit]], and [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J.]]. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" ''[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]'' "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that ''murderer"''! ''[a shot of O.J.]'' ''"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"'' ''[back to Chris]'' And to me, people might say things like, ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, ''[a shot of the Ramseys]'' "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" ''[a shot of O.J.]'' "CONFESS!" ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! CONFESS!!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Let's sing Jingle Bells! Sing along with me! == External links == {{wikipedia|South Park season 5}} [[Category:South Park seasons|05]] cz3iye8l66sk16a6p5k81f4dmmogs1j 3944343 3944341 2026-05-23T01:46:57Z ~2026-30607-66 3327673 /* Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14] */ 3944343 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''South Park''/Season 5}} {{South Park header}} '''''[[w:South Park|South Park]]''''' (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] and [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]]. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado. === ''[[w:It Hits the Fan|It Hits the Fan]]'' [5.1] === :'''Cartman''': Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]. :'''Kyle''': There's no sand in my [[w:vagina|vagina]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I said "shit" on television. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it. :'''Kyle''': I don't really give a fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that. :'''Randy''': You mean I can't say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': No, see, you got beeped. :'''Guy''': You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': Yep. :'''Jimbo''': Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." ''[he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]'' :'''Randy''': Hey...you didn't get beeped. :'''Jimbo''': Uh-oh. :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[urgently]'' You guys! Look here! ''[the group rushes over]'' In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]! :'''Kyle''': Cartman, this is serious! :'''Cartman''': So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]] doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. === ''[[w:Cripple Fight|Cripple Fight]]'' [5.2] === :'''Cartman''': Cripple fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[over PA]'' Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid! :'''Stan''': But Dad, I was just trying to- :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant! :'''Stan''': ''[to Cartman]'' Asshole. :'''Randy Marsh''': That's better. :'''Cartman''': Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. ''[imitates Timmy]'' "Timmy!" :'''Timmy''': ''[angry]'' Aah! :'''Jimmy''': ''[continues impression]'' I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years. :'''Stan''': Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Cartman''': That's not funny! [[Jesus Christ]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Jimmy''': Not this year! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the ''hat!'' ''[punches him in the stomach]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': You dirty motherfucker! === ''[[w:Super Best Friends|Super Best Friends]]'' [5.3] === :'''Butters:''' I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. :'''Magic Workshop Leader:''' ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy. :'''Butters:''' ''[coldly]'' And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do ''you'' think I'm unhappy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle?! :''[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]'' :'''Stan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[still off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': ''[follows Kyle's voice]'' Oh my God, they killed Kenny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[to Stan and Kyle]'' Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? ''[laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls]'' Ow! ''[Stan kicks him in the balls]'' Aargh! ''[boys take turns kicking him]'' Stop it! Aaargh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. :'''Butters''': I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle. :'''Stan''' No, I'm Stan. :'''Kyle''': You're Stan? Where's Kenny? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Kyle''': I'm Kyle. :'''Cartman''': He-he, guess who I am, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': I'm not going anywhere. :'''Stan''': Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here! :'''Kyle''': Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. :'''Stan''': Oh wait, who am I again? :'''Kyle''': You're Stan. === ''[[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die|Scott Tenorman Must Die]]'' [5.4] === :''[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]'' :'''Stan''': Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you? :'''Cartman''': Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." [[Braveheart|But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!"]] Now who's with me?!! :''[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]'' :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Cartman''': ''[groans]'' Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy. :'''Timmy''': Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. ''[rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. ''[Chef looks like he's been used]'' It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. ''[Stan and Kyle are stunned]'' I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. ''[a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed]'' I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. ''[a shot of Scott talking with his parents]'' And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. ''[the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]'' :'''Mr. Denkins''': ''[looks of horror surround him]'' Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights. :'''Scott''': My...mom and dad are...dead? ''[a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]'' :'''Cartman''': I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... ''[a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away]'' After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. ''[more faces of horror behind Cartman]'' Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? ''[a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman]'' I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." :'''Scott''': ''[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened]'' Oh my God! ''[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away]'' Oh my God! ''[vomits off to the side]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[leaping up on the table and sings]'' Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! ''[Stan and Kyle are horrified]'' :'''Stan''': Jesus Christ, dude! :'''Scott''': ''[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table]'' My mom and dad are dead! ''[pounds the table]'' No! Nooo! ''[Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Um, excuse me? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Jonny''': We're that band, Radiohead. :'''Ed''': [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby! :'''Colin''': Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby? :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. :'''Ed''': Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. ''[the members of the band start leaving]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. :'''Phil''': Little crybaby. :'''Scott''': ''[gathers himself and looks]'' No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! ''[buries his face in the table and bawls again.]'' Nooo! :'''Cartman:''' ''[walks over to Scott's end of the table]'' Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! ''[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]'' Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. :'''Kyle''': ...Dude, I think it might be best for us to '''''never piss Cartman off again.''''' :'''Stan''': Good call. :'''Cartman''': Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. ''[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]'' Mm-yummy, you guys! ''[fade out, then quickly back in to [[Wikipedia:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]]-style iris]'' a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks! === ''[[w:Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow|Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow]]'' [5.5] === :'''Young Terrance and Phillip''': ''Beef and lamb, chicken and ham'' :''Step to the left and clap your hands!'' :''Gosh, we love that chicken and ham'' :''Don't they love that chicken and ham?'' :'''Woman''': Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads? :'''Man''': It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian. :'''Woman''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war." :'''Terrance''': Here's a missile for ya! ''[farts]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on? :'''Terrance''': I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas. :'''Phillip''': Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? ''[farts; they both laugh]'' :'''Goat Leader''': As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas. :'''Phillip''': Wow, that sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents! :'''Phillip''': Yeah, whatever, kid. :'''Stan''': [[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die| He'll do it]], dude! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, you guys! That line isn't long! :'''Kyle''': Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts! :'''Cartman''': Kenny's a random slut! === ''[[w:Cartmanland|Cartmanland]]'' [5.6] === :'''Kyle''': ''[to God]'' Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right]'' Whoa! Heheh. ''[a skeleton pops out to his right]'' Whoa! ''[a ghost pops on from his left]'' Whoa! Heheheheheh. ''[he exits the ride and ambles back to the road]'' Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh. :'''Kyle''': ''[in the distance, while Cartman speaks]'' Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! ''[the sound of chain-link is heard]'' Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts! :'''Cartman''': ''[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better]'' What the hell? :'''Kyle''': Hohohooho! Oowwww! :'''Cartman''': '''''YOU SONS OF BITCHES!''''' ''[goes towards the source of the sound]'' :''[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]'' :'''Stan''': Come on, dude! :'''Kyle''': OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!! :'''Cartman''': ''[arriving]'' What the hell are you doing?! :'''Stan''': Aw, crap. :'''Kyle''': OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! ''[falls off, but outside the park]'' :'''Stan''': Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle] :'''Kyle''': ''[now standing, rubbing his ass]'' Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!! :'''Stan''': Alright, let's go. :'''Cartman''': ''[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park]'' That's right! You stay out! :'''Stan''': You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better! :'''Kyle''': My life can't get any worse! :'''Stan''': You'll see! We'll get in! ''[walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]'' :'''Cartman''': If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': Agh! ''[the nurse moves the pincers one way]'' Agghh! ''[then another]'' :'''Nurse''': Just a little more. ''[one twist more]'' There we go. ''[withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]'' :'''Gerald''': Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today? :'''Kyle''': ''[the nurse leaves]'' Awesome. ''[Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]'' :'''Sheila''': Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible. :'''Kyle''': I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me? :'''Gerald''': Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. ''[begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears]'' You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. ''[camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair]'' Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children ''[they come out of a building with their mother]'', a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man] :'''Sheila''': ''[a shot of Job petting a bull]'' He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread] :'''Gerald''': He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. ''[Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]'' :'''Sheila''': But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God. :'''Kyle''': ''[still mad]'' Satan talked to God? :'''Sheila''': Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day." :'''Gerald''': But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name." :'''Sheila''': To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name." :'''Gerald''': And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. ''[that scene is shown]'' :'''Sheila''': Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. ''[meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]'' :'''Gerald''': And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. ''[the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]'' :'''Sheila''': Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. ''[Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]'' :'''Gerald''': So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. ''[shown, with the burning fields behind him]'' :'''Sheila''': He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. ''[another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]'' :'''Gerald''': God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." ''[all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[a few seconds later]'' And that's it? That's the end? :'''Sheila''': Basically. :'''Kyle''': That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan? :'''Gerald''': Oh. Uh, I don't know. :'''Kyle''': Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, are you okay? :'''Kyle''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? :'''Stan''': Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in. :'''Sheila''': I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. :'''Stan''': Jesus. :'''Kyle''': But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude. :'''Sheila''': Kyle, don't say such things! :'''Kyle''': Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids? :'''Gerald''': Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- :'''Kyle''': No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? '''''I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! ''[beat]'' Kyle? :'''Kyle''': Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park. :'''Stan''': ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but— :'''Kyle''': ''(in tears)'' Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in [[wikipedia:God in Judaism|Jehovah]]! To believe that we should all [[wikipedia:Judaism#Jewish_observances|behave a certain way]] and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! [[wikipedia:Theodicy|It doesn't make sense! '''''WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!?''''']] Ow!... :'''Stan''': Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? :''Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clerk''': Welcome to Cartmanland. :''[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]'' :'''Sheila''': Isn't he getting any better, doctor? :'''Doctor''': I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run.'' [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]'' :'''Announcer''': And now back to Money Quest, on HBC. :'''Host 1''': ''[Camera zooms in on the two hosts]'' Welcome back to Money Quest. ''[Kyle looks at the show]'' In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman ''[his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts]'' has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. :'''Host 2''': And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing. :'''Host 1''': Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country. :''[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]'' :'''Waitress''': I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now. :''[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....] :'''Clerk''': No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in. :''[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]'' :'''Associate''': ''[the shoppers rush out of there]'' Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! ''[kicks the last shopper out]'' :''[Back to Money Quest...]'' :'''Host 1''': Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. :''[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]'' :'''Kyle''': Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... ''[passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]'' :'''Sheila''': ''[approaches]'' Kyle? Kyle? ''[turns to Gerald]'' Get the doctor! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Fun''': My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around! :'''Chris''': He sure did. :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this. :'''Cartman''': Hey, there you are! :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success. :'''Cartman''': Just give me my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': What? :'''Cartman''': I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park. :'''Mr. Fun''': ..But it's doing great! :'''Cartman''': You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!! :'''Mr. Fun''': You bet! I'll go get your money right now! ''[both leave]'' :'''Kid''': Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets? :'''Cartman''': '''''GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY''!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gerald''': Isn't he responding at all, doctor? :'''Doctor''': ''[turns around to face them]'' I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life. :'''Sheila''': But then... are you saying...? :'''Doctor''': There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live. :'''Sheila''': ''[walks up to Kyle]'' Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! :''[North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]'' :'''Cartman''': Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! ''[three men in suits approach Cartman]'' :'''Agent''': Excuse me? Eric Cartman? :'''Cartman''': ''[turns to face them]'' Yeah? :'''Agent''': I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. ''[to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]'' :'''Cartman''': Hey. Hey, that's my money! :'''Mr. Garrett''': There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. ''[takes the wagon with the other half million]'' :'''Cartman''': What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time! :'''Mr. Garrett''': You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. ''[the men walk away with the million]'' :'''Cartman''': Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit! :'''Mr. Garrett''': We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time. :'''Cartman''': Ah! But I-I-I... ''[sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him]'' Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': Nohoho way, José! :'''Cartman''': But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything! :'''Mr. Fun''': "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." ''[turns around and disappears into the crowd]'' :'''Cartman''': This can't be happening! '''''AGGGHH!!''''' :''[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around] :'''Sheila''': ''[sadly]'' Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest] :'''Stan''': Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached? :'''Doctor''': Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-- :'''Stan''': Then damnit man, do it! :''[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]'' :'''Cartman''': It isn't fair! ''[throws another stone]'' You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! ''[throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]'' :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle. Look. ''[smiles]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! ''[throws another stone]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[more alert]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': '''I'M SO PISSED OFF!''' ''[the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]'' :'''Security Guard''': Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property! :'''Cartman''': Ey! You used to work for me! ''[the guard sprays Cartman in the face]'' Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! ''[coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle! :'''Doctor''': He's coming back. :'''Sheila''': That's it, baby. That's it. :'''Cartman''': Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks! :'''Doctor''': Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission! :'''Hemorrhoid''': ''[receding into the colon]'' Oh, shit! :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it. :'''Cartman''': It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! ''[Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]'' :'''Kyle''': You ''are'' up there! ''[smiles]'' === ''[[w:Proper Condom Use|Proper Condom Use]]'' [5.7] === :'''Randy''': ''[screams]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?''' :'''Stan''': I'm [[Masturbation|beating off]] the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :''[everyone is shocked]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!''''' :'''Stan''': My room? Why? :'''Sharon''': Go, Stanley! ''[Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously]'' He gets very good grades. ''[Later, in Stan's room; sternly]'' Stanley, do you know ''why'' you're being grounded for ten months? :'''Stan''': No. :'''Randy''': Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. ''[Sharon glares at him]'' Uh, I mean ''ever''- beating off the dog is not appropriate ''ever''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Choksondik''': You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': The right time to start having sex is 17. :'''Sheila''': So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? :'''Chef''': Nope, just 17. :'''Gerald''': But what if you're not ready at 17? :'''Chef''': [[wikipedia:Ages_of_consent_in_the_United_States#Colorado|17, you're ready.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car]'' So, we meet again, [[Jennifer Lopez]]. :'''Kyle''': ''[as Jennifer Lopez]'' No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies! :'''Stan''': That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. ''[pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]'' :'''Kyle''': AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS! :'''Stan''': Scream for me, bitch! :'''Kyle''': AH! :''[the doll's face melts off]'' :'''Kyle and Stan''': Whoa, awesome! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny? :'''Jenny''': It flies around and it's endangered. :'''Mr. Garrison''': That's a ''condor'', Jenny. ''Condor.'' Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore? :'''Fillmore''': Can we do finger paints? :'''Mr. Garrison''': NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. ''[pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo]'' First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth ''[he does so]'' ...and apply. ''[it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry]'' And it's as easy as that. Any questions? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': [[w:Human sexuality|Sex is emotional and spiritual]]. It needs to be taught by family. [[w:The birds and the bees|I know it can be hard, parents]], but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know ''who'' they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey]'' someone who has a bad opinion of it, ''[pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully]'' or even a complete pervert. ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]'' :'''Mr. Garrison''': ''[offended]'' Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. ''[She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Are you wearing a condom? :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Oh, well. Fuck it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, what the heck are you doing? :'''Cartman''': I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Why are you wearing a condom? :'''Cartman''': So I don't get [[w:AIDS|AIDS]]. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]'' :'''Male Pharmacist''': Can I help you boys? :'''Stan''': Yeah, we need condoms! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Condoms... :'''Kyle''': Yeah, quick! :'''Male Pharmacist''': ...How old are you boys? :'''Stan''': Why does that matter? :'''Butters''': I'll be 9 next week! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms. :'''Kyle''': Why not?! You want us to get AIDS? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just don't think kids your age should-- :'''Female Pharmacist''': Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them. :'''Male Pharmacist''': But...they're children! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Would you rather them do it unprotected? :'''Cartman''': Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. :'''Stan''': Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side. :'''Male Pharmacist''': I don't even think we'll have any that fit them! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50. :'''Butters''': 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?! :'''Female Pharmacist''': No, you have to change them. :'''Kyle''': Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are reading the condom instructions]'' :'''Stan''': Doesn't it give any other directions? :'''Butters''': Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. ''[reading the disclaimer]'' If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [STD's] :'''Kyle''': What are studs? :'''Butters''': Huh...how the heck should I know? ''[opens condom]'' Why, it's just a little doughnut! ''[touches it]'' Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey! :'''Cartman''': Just put it on, Butters. :'''Butters''': How come I got to go first? :'''Cartman''': Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering? :'''Butters''': Oh all right then. ''[turns around and pulls his pants down]'' Oh, it's all sticky. :'''Kyle''': It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. :'''Butters''': I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. ''[Cartman looks over]'' :'''Stan''': Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo! :'''Cartman''': I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on! :'''Kyle''': Sure... :'''Butters''': But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something. :'''Tweek''': Gah! I got rubber bands! :'''Butters''': ''[fastening the condom with rubber bands]'' Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on. :'''Stan''': How do you feel? :'''Butters''': ...Pretty good. :'''Cartman''': Do you feel protected? :'''Butters''': Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. :'''Stan''': All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on. :'''Timmy''': TIMMEH! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]'' :'''Wendy:''' ''[at the helm of a gun turret]'' Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant! :'''Bebe:''' Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever! :'''Stan:''' Ha! They're your diseases! :'''Kyle:''' Yeah! ''You'' get out of town! :'''Cartman:''' Here, talk to them, Butters. :'''Butters:''' ''[lifts up his mask]'' Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say? :'''Cartman:''' Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence. :'''Butters:''' ''[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice]'' '''Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.''' :'''Kyle:''' ''[to Stan]'' Man, he's pretty good. === ''[[w:Towelie (South Park episode)|Towelie]]'' [5.8] === :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Towelie, you are the worst character ever. :'''Towelie''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time. :'''Towelie''': Don't preach to me, fatso! :'''Cartman''': I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE stupid! :'''Cartman''': Oh, yeah, well you're a towel! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE a towel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': That's my last J, asshole! === ''[[w:Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants|Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants]]'' [5.9] === :'''Stan''': America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I told you, [[w:List of Star Wars races (F-J)#Jawa|jawa]]s have no heart. :'''Kyle''': Jawas? :'''Cartman''': You know, [[w:Tusken Raider|sand people]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan's Afghan counterpart''': ''[to the other counterparts]'' We're speaking in English; does that make sense? <hr width="50%"/> :'''CNN Newscaster''': The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women! :'''Afghan Kid''': It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's. :'''Stan''': ''[to Kyle]'' He's got us there, dude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel! ''[the boys are irritated]'' :'''Cartman''': Oh no, not Towelie. :'''Towelie''': When going some place new, you should always bring a towel. :'''Stan''': Okay, thanks, Towelie. :'''Towelie''': You want to get high? :'''Cartman''': ''[talking fast]'' NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH! :'''Towelie''': You mean, you don't want Towelie around? :'''Cartman''': That's right! :'''Towelie''': So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? ''[chuckles. The boys are irritated again]'' :'''Stan''': God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie! :'''Towelie''': Alright, see ya. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about ''[checks his watch]'' eight weeks now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]'' :'''Kyle''': Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it? :'''Cartman''': Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you. :'''Stan''': Cartman, you stupid asshole. === ''[[w:How to Eat with Your Butt|How to Eat with Your Butt]]'' [5.10] === :'''Photographer''': Take off your hat, please? :'''Kyle''': But I never take off my hat. :'''Photographer''': Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural. :'''Kyle''': This ''is'' how I look natural. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Why did the...pigeon cross the road? :'''Cartman''': Okay, why? :'''Jimmy''': Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken. === ''[[w:The Entity (South Park)|The Entity]]'' [5.11] === :''[Kyle Broflovski = Kyle. Kyle’s cousin = Kyle 2]'' :''[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]'' :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class. :'''Cartman''': Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit! :'''Kyle''': Cartman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': ''[after seeing commercial for IT]'' That looks pretty gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Garrison''': Excuse me what the hell are you doing? :'''Government agent 1''': It's alright we're with the government. :'''Government agent 2''': We're just shutting you down. :'''Mr Garrison''': Shutting me down why? :'''Government agent 3''': The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money. :'''Mr Garrison''': Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down! :'''Agent 4''': Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal. :'''Mr Garrsion''': OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding! :'''Agent 5''': Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired. :'''Mr Garrison''': THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!! :'''Agent 6''': That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. :'''Mr Garrison''': HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! === ''[[w:Here Comes the Neighborhood|Here Comes the Neighborhood]]'' [5.12] === :'''Will Smith Jr''': ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Token''': ''(singing)'' Why can't I be like all the other kids?<br/>They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns<br/>And cut-up hot dogs for lunch<br/>It's not my fault my parents succeed so much<br/>There's no one in town I can relate to<br/>I play with autographed baseball bats<br/>While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones<br/>Has a boy ever felt so alone?<br/>Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not<br/>If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got<br/>If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around<br/>So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down<br/>Please, God, send more rich kids…<br/>To my… town.<br/>I don't fit in anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- ''[episode ends]'' === ''[[w:Kenny Dies|Kenny Dies]]'' [5.13] === :'''Cartman''': ''[on the phone]'' Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, :'''Chuck:''' I wasn't born yesterday either! <hr width=50% /> :''[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again. :'''Kyle''': ''[he and Stan take their seats]'' Yeah, they're gonna get busted again. :'''Ms. Choksondik''': ''[enters carrying a few books]'' Alright, class, let's take our seats. ''[seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class]'' Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office. :'''Stan''': The principal? Aw, come on! :'''Kyle''': We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': She needs to see you now. ''[points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]'' :'''Kyle''': Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat. :''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]'' :'''Principal Victoria''': Hello, boys. :'''Stan''': Wait. What's going on here? ''[he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]'' :'''Kyle''': Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know. :'''Mr. Mackey''': ''[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey]'' You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. ''[the boys each take a chair and sit down]'' Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. ''[the boys look stunned]'' And well, he's pretty sick. ''[Sharon leans on Randy]'' :'''Kyle''': Kenny's sick? :'''Stan''': Well, how sick? :'''Chef''': Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease. :'''Stan''': ''[after a pause]'' ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right? :'''Sharon''': Oh dear. ''[buries her face in Randy's shoulder]'' :'''Stan''': Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better. :'''Sharon''': Randy... :'''Randy''': They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon. :'''Kyle''': Wait. Kenny's going to die? :'''Gerald''': He might, Kyle. :'''Stan''': ''[tearing up]'' ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend. :'''Mr. Mackey''': We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever. :'''Stan''': No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! ''[buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a ''fetal'' mistake. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend? :'''Chef''': There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about [[wikipedia:Fall_of_man|something we did thousands of years ago]] - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand? :'''Stan''': Then why does God give us anything to start with? :'''Chef''': Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. :'''Stan''': I think I understand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny has just died]'' :'''Stan''': Did he say anything before he went? :'''Kyle''': He just said, "Where's Stan?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile. === ''[[w:Butters' Very Own Episode|Butters' Very Own Episode]]'' [5.14] === :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who loves VMCS? That stands for Very Merry Christmas Songs? Who's the kid with the voices in his head? Everyone knows it's Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who does stupid things? Who thinks All Dogs Go To Heaven is the best? Who's that moron with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone hates Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Making toddlers cry, wasting his own time, petting a horse in the stables, named Stella Dallas. :'''Butters''': I love you. :'''Singers''': Who's the little twerp with the ugly little dimples? Being unpopular to everybody? If we just ground him forever, we all might be jolly. Ground a little boy named Butters! :'''Butters''': Aw, dang it! :'''Butters''': ''[on seeing his dad "wrestling"]'' Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying' "nut sack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. ''[slaps his right hand with his left]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truck Driver''': Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]]. :'''Butters''': Yeah. I could use some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]] myself right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? :'''Old Man''': That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. ''[indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest]'' Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys''': One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are [[w:JonBenét Ramsey|the Ramseys]], [[w:Gary Condit|Congressman Condit]], and [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J.]]. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" ''[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]'' "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that ''murderer"''! ''[a shot of O.J.]'' ''"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"'' ''[back to Chris]'' And to me, people might say things like, ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, ''[a shot of the Ramseys]'' "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" ''[a shot of O.J.]'' "CONFESS!" ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! CONFESS!!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Let's sing Jingle Bells! Sing along with me! == External links == {{wikipedia|South Park season 5}} [[Category:South Park seasons|05]] 9xxnmxalm9pj32waq5gg7dindtc52sw 3944344 3944343 2026-05-23T01:47:52Z ~2026-30607-66 3327673 /* Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14] */ 3944344 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''South Park''/Season 5}} {{South Park header}} '''''[[w:South Park|South Park]]''''' (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] and [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]]. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado. === ''[[w:It Hits the Fan|It Hits the Fan]]'' [5.1] === :'''Cartman''': Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]. :'''Kyle''': There's no sand in my [[w:vagina|vagina]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I said "shit" on television. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it. :'''Kyle''': I don't really give a fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that. :'''Randy''': You mean I can't say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': No, see, you got beeped. :'''Guy''': You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': Yep. :'''Jimbo''': Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." ''[he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]'' :'''Randy''': Hey...you didn't get beeped. :'''Jimbo''': Uh-oh. :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[urgently]'' You guys! Look here! ''[the group rushes over]'' In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]! :'''Kyle''': Cartman, this is serious! :'''Cartman''': So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]] doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. === ''[[w:Cripple Fight|Cripple Fight]]'' [5.2] === :'''Cartman''': Cripple fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[over PA]'' Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid! :'''Stan''': But Dad, I was just trying to- :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant! :'''Stan''': ''[to Cartman]'' Asshole. :'''Randy Marsh''': That's better. :'''Cartman''': Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. ''[imitates Timmy]'' "Timmy!" :'''Timmy''': ''[angry]'' Aah! :'''Jimmy''': ''[continues impression]'' I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years. :'''Stan''': Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Cartman''': That's not funny! [[Jesus Christ]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Jimmy''': Not this year! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the ''hat!'' ''[punches him in the stomach]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': You dirty motherfucker! === ''[[w:Super Best Friends|Super Best Friends]]'' [5.3] === :'''Butters:''' I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. :'''Magic Workshop Leader:''' ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy. :'''Butters:''' ''[coldly]'' And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do ''you'' think I'm unhappy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle?! :''[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]'' :'''Stan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[still off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': ''[follows Kyle's voice]'' Oh my God, they killed Kenny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[to Stan and Kyle]'' Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? ''[laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls]'' Ow! ''[Stan kicks him in the balls]'' Aargh! ''[boys take turns kicking him]'' Stop it! Aaargh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. :'''Butters''': I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle. :'''Stan''' No, I'm Stan. :'''Kyle''': You're Stan? Where's Kenny? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Kyle''': I'm Kyle. :'''Cartman''': He-he, guess who I am, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': I'm not going anywhere. :'''Stan''': Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here! :'''Kyle''': Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. :'''Stan''': Oh wait, who am I again? :'''Kyle''': You're Stan. === ''[[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die|Scott Tenorman Must Die]]'' [5.4] === :''[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]'' :'''Stan''': Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you? :'''Cartman''': Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." [[Braveheart|But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!"]] Now who's with me?!! :''[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]'' :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Cartman''': ''[groans]'' Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy. :'''Timmy''': Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. ''[rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. ''[Chef looks like he's been used]'' It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. ''[Stan and Kyle are stunned]'' I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. ''[a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed]'' I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. ''[a shot of Scott talking with his parents]'' And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. ''[the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]'' :'''Mr. Denkins''': ''[looks of horror surround him]'' Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights. :'''Scott''': My...mom and dad are...dead? ''[a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]'' :'''Cartman''': I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... ''[a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away]'' After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. ''[more faces of horror behind Cartman]'' Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? ''[a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman]'' I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." :'''Scott''': ''[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened]'' Oh my God! ''[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away]'' Oh my God! ''[vomits off to the side]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[leaping up on the table and sings]'' Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! ''[Stan and Kyle are horrified]'' :'''Stan''': Jesus Christ, dude! :'''Scott''': ''[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table]'' My mom and dad are dead! ''[pounds the table]'' No! Nooo! ''[Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Um, excuse me? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Jonny''': We're that band, Radiohead. :'''Ed''': [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby! :'''Colin''': Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby? :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. :'''Ed''': Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. ''[the members of the band start leaving]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. :'''Phil''': Little crybaby. :'''Scott''': ''[gathers himself and looks]'' No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! ''[buries his face in the table and bawls again.]'' Nooo! :'''Cartman:''' ''[walks over to Scott's end of the table]'' Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! ''[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]'' Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. :'''Kyle''': ...Dude, I think it might be best for us to '''''never piss Cartman off again.''''' :'''Stan''': Good call. :'''Cartman''': Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. ''[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]'' Mm-yummy, you guys! ''[fade out, then quickly back in to [[Wikipedia:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]]-style iris]'' a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks! === ''[[w:Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow|Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow]]'' [5.5] === :'''Young Terrance and Phillip''': ''Beef and lamb, chicken and ham'' :''Step to the left and clap your hands!'' :''Gosh, we love that chicken and ham'' :''Don't they love that chicken and ham?'' :'''Woman''': Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads? :'''Man''': It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian. :'''Woman''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war." :'''Terrance''': Here's a missile for ya! ''[farts]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on? :'''Terrance''': I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas. :'''Phillip''': Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? ''[farts; they both laugh]'' :'''Goat Leader''': As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas. :'''Phillip''': Wow, that sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents! :'''Phillip''': Yeah, whatever, kid. :'''Stan''': [[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die| He'll do it]], dude! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, you guys! That line isn't long! :'''Kyle''': Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts! :'''Cartman''': Kenny's a random slut! === ''[[w:Cartmanland|Cartmanland]]'' [5.6] === :'''Kyle''': ''[to God]'' Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right]'' Whoa! Heheh. ''[a skeleton pops out to his right]'' Whoa! ''[a ghost pops on from his left]'' Whoa! Heheheheheh. ''[he exits the ride and ambles back to the road]'' Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh. :'''Kyle''': ''[in the distance, while Cartman speaks]'' Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! ''[the sound of chain-link is heard]'' Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts! :'''Cartman''': ''[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better]'' What the hell? :'''Kyle''': Hohohooho! Oowwww! :'''Cartman''': '''''YOU SONS OF BITCHES!''''' ''[goes towards the source of the sound]'' :''[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]'' :'''Stan''': Come on, dude! :'''Kyle''': OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!! :'''Cartman''': ''[arriving]'' What the hell are you doing?! :'''Stan''': Aw, crap. :'''Kyle''': OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! ''[falls off, but outside the park]'' :'''Stan''': Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle] :'''Kyle''': ''[now standing, rubbing his ass]'' Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!! :'''Stan''': Alright, let's go. :'''Cartman''': ''[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park]'' That's right! You stay out! :'''Stan''': You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better! :'''Kyle''': My life can't get any worse! :'''Stan''': You'll see! We'll get in! ''[walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]'' :'''Cartman''': If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': Agh! ''[the nurse moves the pincers one way]'' Agghh! ''[then another]'' :'''Nurse''': Just a little more. ''[one twist more]'' There we go. ''[withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]'' :'''Gerald''': Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today? :'''Kyle''': ''[the nurse leaves]'' Awesome. ''[Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]'' :'''Sheila''': Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible. :'''Kyle''': I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me? :'''Gerald''': Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. ''[begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears]'' You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. ''[camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair]'' Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children ''[they come out of a building with their mother]'', a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man] :'''Sheila''': ''[a shot of Job petting a bull]'' He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread] :'''Gerald''': He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. ''[Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]'' :'''Sheila''': But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God. :'''Kyle''': ''[still mad]'' Satan talked to God? :'''Sheila''': Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day." :'''Gerald''': But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name." :'''Sheila''': To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name." :'''Gerald''': And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. ''[that scene is shown]'' :'''Sheila''': Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. ''[meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]'' :'''Gerald''': And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. ''[the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]'' :'''Sheila''': Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. ''[Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]'' :'''Gerald''': So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. ''[shown, with the burning fields behind him]'' :'''Sheila''': He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. ''[another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]'' :'''Gerald''': God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." ''[all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[a few seconds later]'' And that's it? That's the end? :'''Sheila''': Basically. :'''Kyle''': That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan? :'''Gerald''': Oh. Uh, I don't know. :'''Kyle''': Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, are you okay? :'''Kyle''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? :'''Stan''': Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in. :'''Sheila''': I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. :'''Stan''': Jesus. :'''Kyle''': But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude. :'''Sheila''': Kyle, don't say such things! :'''Kyle''': Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids? :'''Gerald''': Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- :'''Kyle''': No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? '''''I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! ''[beat]'' Kyle? :'''Kyle''': Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park. :'''Stan''': ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but— :'''Kyle''': ''(in tears)'' Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in [[wikipedia:God in Judaism|Jehovah]]! To believe that we should all [[wikipedia:Judaism#Jewish_observances|behave a certain way]] and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! [[wikipedia:Theodicy|It doesn't make sense! '''''WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!?''''']] Ow!... :'''Stan''': Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? :''Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clerk''': Welcome to Cartmanland. :''[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]'' :'''Sheila''': Isn't he getting any better, doctor? :'''Doctor''': I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run.'' [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]'' :'''Announcer''': And now back to Money Quest, on HBC. :'''Host 1''': ''[Camera zooms in on the two hosts]'' Welcome back to Money Quest. ''[Kyle looks at the show]'' In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman ''[his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts]'' has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. :'''Host 2''': And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing. :'''Host 1''': Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country. :''[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]'' :'''Waitress''': I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now. :''[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....] :'''Clerk''': No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in. :''[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]'' :'''Associate''': ''[the shoppers rush out of there]'' Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! ''[kicks the last shopper out]'' :''[Back to Money Quest...]'' :'''Host 1''': Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. :''[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]'' :'''Kyle''': Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... ''[passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]'' :'''Sheila''': ''[approaches]'' Kyle? Kyle? ''[turns to Gerald]'' Get the doctor! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Fun''': My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around! :'''Chris''': He sure did. :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this. :'''Cartman''': Hey, there you are! :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success. :'''Cartman''': Just give me my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': What? :'''Cartman''': I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park. :'''Mr. Fun''': ..But it's doing great! :'''Cartman''': You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!! :'''Mr. Fun''': You bet! I'll go get your money right now! ''[both leave]'' :'''Kid''': Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets? :'''Cartman''': '''''GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY''!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gerald''': Isn't he responding at all, doctor? :'''Doctor''': ''[turns around to face them]'' I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life. :'''Sheila''': But then... are you saying...? :'''Doctor''': There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live. :'''Sheila''': ''[walks up to Kyle]'' Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! :''[North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]'' :'''Cartman''': Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! ''[three men in suits approach Cartman]'' :'''Agent''': Excuse me? Eric Cartman? :'''Cartman''': ''[turns to face them]'' Yeah? :'''Agent''': I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. ''[to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]'' :'''Cartman''': Hey. Hey, that's my money! :'''Mr. Garrett''': There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. ''[takes the wagon with the other half million]'' :'''Cartman''': What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time! :'''Mr. Garrett''': You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. ''[the men walk away with the million]'' :'''Cartman''': Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit! :'''Mr. Garrett''': We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time. :'''Cartman''': Ah! But I-I-I... ''[sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him]'' Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': Nohoho way, José! :'''Cartman''': But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything! :'''Mr. Fun''': "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." ''[turns around and disappears into the crowd]'' :'''Cartman''': This can't be happening! '''''AGGGHH!!''''' :''[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around] :'''Sheila''': ''[sadly]'' Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest] :'''Stan''': Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached? :'''Doctor''': Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-- :'''Stan''': Then damnit man, do it! :''[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]'' :'''Cartman''': It isn't fair! ''[throws another stone]'' You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! ''[throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]'' :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle. Look. ''[smiles]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! ''[throws another stone]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[more alert]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': '''I'M SO PISSED OFF!''' ''[the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]'' :'''Security Guard''': Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property! :'''Cartman''': Ey! You used to work for me! ''[the guard sprays Cartman in the face]'' Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! ''[coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle! :'''Doctor''': He's coming back. :'''Sheila''': That's it, baby. That's it. :'''Cartman''': Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks! :'''Doctor''': Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission! :'''Hemorrhoid''': ''[receding into the colon]'' Oh, shit! :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it. :'''Cartman''': It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! ''[Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]'' :'''Kyle''': You ''are'' up there! ''[smiles]'' === ''[[w:Proper Condom Use|Proper Condom Use]]'' [5.7] === :'''Randy''': ''[screams]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?''' :'''Stan''': I'm [[Masturbation|beating off]] the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :''[everyone is shocked]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!''''' :'''Stan''': My room? Why? :'''Sharon''': Go, Stanley! ''[Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously]'' He gets very good grades. ''[Later, in Stan's room; sternly]'' Stanley, do you know ''why'' you're being grounded for ten months? :'''Stan''': No. :'''Randy''': Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. ''[Sharon glares at him]'' Uh, I mean ''ever''- beating off the dog is not appropriate ''ever''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Choksondik''': You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': The right time to start having sex is 17. :'''Sheila''': So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? :'''Chef''': Nope, just 17. :'''Gerald''': But what if you're not ready at 17? :'''Chef''': [[wikipedia:Ages_of_consent_in_the_United_States#Colorado|17, you're ready.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car]'' So, we meet again, [[Jennifer Lopez]]. :'''Kyle''': ''[as Jennifer Lopez]'' No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies! :'''Stan''': That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. ''[pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]'' :'''Kyle''': AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS! :'''Stan''': Scream for me, bitch! :'''Kyle''': AH! :''[the doll's face melts off]'' :'''Kyle and Stan''': Whoa, awesome! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny? :'''Jenny''': It flies around and it's endangered. :'''Mr. Garrison''': That's a ''condor'', Jenny. ''Condor.'' Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore? :'''Fillmore''': Can we do finger paints? :'''Mr. Garrison''': NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. ''[pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo]'' First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth ''[he does so]'' ...and apply. ''[it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry]'' And it's as easy as that. Any questions? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': [[w:Human sexuality|Sex is emotional and spiritual]]. It needs to be taught by family. [[w:The birds and the bees|I know it can be hard, parents]], but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know ''who'' they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey]'' someone who has a bad opinion of it, ''[pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully]'' or even a complete pervert. ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]'' :'''Mr. Garrison''': ''[offended]'' Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. ''[She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Are you wearing a condom? :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Oh, well. Fuck it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, what the heck are you doing? :'''Cartman''': I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Why are you wearing a condom? :'''Cartman''': So I don't get [[w:AIDS|AIDS]]. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]'' :'''Male Pharmacist''': Can I help you boys? :'''Stan''': Yeah, we need condoms! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Condoms... :'''Kyle''': Yeah, quick! :'''Male Pharmacist''': ...How old are you boys? :'''Stan''': Why does that matter? :'''Butters''': I'll be 9 next week! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms. :'''Kyle''': Why not?! You want us to get AIDS? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just don't think kids your age should-- :'''Female Pharmacist''': Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them. :'''Male Pharmacist''': But...they're children! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Would you rather them do it unprotected? :'''Cartman''': Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. :'''Stan''': Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side. :'''Male Pharmacist''': I don't even think we'll have any that fit them! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50. :'''Butters''': 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?! :'''Female Pharmacist''': No, you have to change them. :'''Kyle''': Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are reading the condom instructions]'' :'''Stan''': Doesn't it give any other directions? :'''Butters''': Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. ''[reading the disclaimer]'' If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [STD's] :'''Kyle''': What are studs? :'''Butters''': Huh...how the heck should I know? ''[opens condom]'' Why, it's just a little doughnut! ''[touches it]'' Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey! :'''Cartman''': Just put it on, Butters. :'''Butters''': How come I got to go first? :'''Cartman''': Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering? :'''Butters''': Oh all right then. ''[turns around and pulls his pants down]'' Oh, it's all sticky. :'''Kyle''': It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. :'''Butters''': I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. ''[Cartman looks over]'' :'''Stan''': Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo! :'''Cartman''': I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on! :'''Kyle''': Sure... :'''Butters''': But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something. :'''Tweek''': Gah! I got rubber bands! :'''Butters''': ''[fastening the condom with rubber bands]'' Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on. :'''Stan''': How do you feel? :'''Butters''': ...Pretty good. :'''Cartman''': Do you feel protected? :'''Butters''': Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. :'''Stan''': All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on. :'''Timmy''': TIMMEH! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]'' :'''Wendy:''' ''[at the helm of a gun turret]'' Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant! :'''Bebe:''' Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever! :'''Stan:''' Ha! They're your diseases! :'''Kyle:''' Yeah! ''You'' get out of town! :'''Cartman:''' Here, talk to them, Butters. :'''Butters:''' ''[lifts up his mask]'' Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say? :'''Cartman:''' Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence. :'''Butters:''' ''[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice]'' '''Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.''' :'''Kyle:''' ''[to Stan]'' Man, he's pretty good. === ''[[w:Towelie (South Park episode)|Towelie]]'' [5.8] === :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Towelie, you are the worst character ever. :'''Towelie''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time. :'''Towelie''': Don't preach to me, fatso! :'''Cartman''': I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE stupid! :'''Cartman''': Oh, yeah, well you're a towel! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE a towel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': That's my last J, asshole! === ''[[w:Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants|Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants]]'' [5.9] === :'''Stan''': America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I told you, [[w:List of Star Wars races (F-J)#Jawa|jawa]]s have no heart. :'''Kyle''': Jawas? :'''Cartman''': You know, [[w:Tusken Raider|sand people]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan's Afghan counterpart''': ''[to the other counterparts]'' We're speaking in English; does that make sense? <hr width="50%"/> :'''CNN Newscaster''': The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women! :'''Afghan Kid''': It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's. :'''Stan''': ''[to Kyle]'' He's got us there, dude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel! ''[the boys are irritated]'' :'''Cartman''': Oh no, not Towelie. :'''Towelie''': When going some place new, you should always bring a towel. :'''Stan''': Okay, thanks, Towelie. :'''Towelie''': You want to get high? :'''Cartman''': ''[talking fast]'' NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH! :'''Towelie''': You mean, you don't want Towelie around? :'''Cartman''': That's right! :'''Towelie''': So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? ''[chuckles. The boys are irritated again]'' :'''Stan''': God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie! :'''Towelie''': Alright, see ya. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about ''[checks his watch]'' eight weeks now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]'' :'''Kyle''': Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it? :'''Cartman''': Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you. :'''Stan''': Cartman, you stupid asshole. === ''[[w:How to Eat with Your Butt|How to Eat with Your Butt]]'' [5.10] === :'''Photographer''': Take off your hat, please? :'''Kyle''': But I never take off my hat. :'''Photographer''': Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural. :'''Kyle''': This ''is'' how I look natural. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Why did the...pigeon cross the road? :'''Cartman''': Okay, why? :'''Jimmy''': Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken. === ''[[w:The Entity (South Park)|The Entity]]'' [5.11] === :''[Kyle Broflovski = Kyle. Kyle’s cousin = Kyle 2]'' :''[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]'' :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class. :'''Cartman''': Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit! :'''Kyle''': Cartman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': ''[after seeing commercial for IT]'' That looks pretty gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Garrison''': Excuse me what the hell are you doing? :'''Government agent 1''': It's alright we're with the government. :'''Government agent 2''': We're just shutting you down. :'''Mr Garrison''': Shutting me down why? :'''Government agent 3''': The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money. :'''Mr Garrison''': Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down! :'''Agent 4''': Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal. :'''Mr Garrsion''': OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding! :'''Agent 5''': Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired. :'''Mr Garrison''': THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!! :'''Agent 6''': That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. :'''Mr Garrison''': HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! === ''[[w:Here Comes the Neighborhood|Here Comes the Neighborhood]]'' [5.12] === :'''Will Smith Jr''': ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Token''': ''(singing)'' Why can't I be like all the other kids?<br/>They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns<br/>And cut-up hot dogs for lunch<br/>It's not my fault my parents succeed so much<br/>There's no one in town I can relate to<br/>I play with autographed baseball bats<br/>While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones<br/>Has a boy ever felt so alone?<br/>Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not<br/>If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got<br/>If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around<br/>So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down<br/>Please, God, send more rich kids…<br/>To my… town.<br/>I don't fit in anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- ''[episode ends]'' === ''[[w:Kenny Dies|Kenny Dies]]'' [5.13] === :'''Cartman''': ''[on the phone]'' Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, :'''Chuck:''' I wasn't born yesterday either! <hr width=50% /> :''[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again. :'''Kyle''': ''[he and Stan take their seats]'' Yeah, they're gonna get busted again. :'''Ms. Choksondik''': ''[enters carrying a few books]'' Alright, class, let's take our seats. ''[seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class]'' Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office. :'''Stan''': The principal? Aw, come on! :'''Kyle''': We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': She needs to see you now. ''[points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]'' :'''Kyle''': Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat. :''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]'' :'''Principal Victoria''': Hello, boys. :'''Stan''': Wait. What's going on here? ''[he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]'' :'''Kyle''': Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know. :'''Mr. Mackey''': ''[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey]'' You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. ''[the boys each take a chair and sit down]'' Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. ''[the boys look stunned]'' And well, he's pretty sick. ''[Sharon leans on Randy]'' :'''Kyle''': Kenny's sick? :'''Stan''': Well, how sick? :'''Chef''': Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease. :'''Stan''': ''[after a pause]'' ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right? :'''Sharon''': Oh dear. ''[buries her face in Randy's shoulder]'' :'''Stan''': Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better. :'''Sharon''': Randy... :'''Randy''': They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon. :'''Kyle''': Wait. Kenny's going to die? :'''Gerald''': He might, Kyle. :'''Stan''': ''[tearing up]'' ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend. :'''Mr. Mackey''': We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever. :'''Stan''': No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! ''[buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a ''fetal'' mistake. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend? :'''Chef''': There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about [[wikipedia:Fall_of_man|something we did thousands of years ago]] - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand? :'''Stan''': Then why does God give us anything to start with? :'''Chef''': Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. :'''Stan''': I think I understand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny has just died]'' :'''Stan''': Did he say anything before he went? :'''Kyle''': He just said, "Where's Stan?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile. === ''[[w:Butters' Very Own Episode|Butters' Very Own Episode]]'' [5.14] === :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who loves VMCS? That stands for Very Merry Christmas Songs. Who's the kid with the voices in his head? Everyone knows it's Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who does stupid things? Who thinks All Dogs Go To Heaven is the best? Who's that moron with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone hates Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Making toddlers cry, wasting his own time, petting a horse in the stables, named Stella Dallas. :'''Butters''': I love you. :'''Singers''': Who's the little twerp with the ugly little dimples? Being unpopular to everybody? If we just ground him forever, we all might be jolly. Ground a little boy named Butters! :'''Butters''': Aw, dang it! :'''Butters''': ''[on seeing his dad "wrestling"]'' Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying' "nut sack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. ''[slaps his right hand with his left]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truck Driver''': Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]]. :'''Butters''': Yeah. I could use some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]] myself right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? :'''Old Man''': That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. ''[indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest]'' Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys''': One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are [[w:JonBenét Ramsey|the Ramseys]], [[w:Gary Condit|Congressman Condit]], and [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J.]]. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" ''[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]'' "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that ''murderer"''! ''[a shot of O.J.]'' ''"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"'' ''[back to Chris]'' And to me, people might say things like, ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, ''[a shot of the Ramseys]'' "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" ''[a shot of O.J.]'' "CONFESS!" ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! CONFESS!!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Let's sing Jingle Bells! Sing along with me! == External links == {{wikipedia|South Park season 5}} [[Category:South Park seasons|05]] najrr16cca5r20uaz1kwierfahwjboa 3944348 3944344 2026-05-23T01:57:41Z ~2026-30607-66 3327673 /* Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14] */ 3944348 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''South Park''/Season 5}} {{South Park header}} '''''[[w:South Park|South Park]]''''' (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] and [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]]. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado. === ''[[w:It Hits the Fan|It Hits the Fan]]'' [5.1] === :'''Cartman''': Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]. :'''Kyle''': There's no sand in my [[w:vagina|vagina]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I said "shit" on television. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it. :'''Kyle''': I don't really give a fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that. :'''Randy''': You mean I can't say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': No, see, you got beeped. :'''Guy''': You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': Yep. :'''Jimbo''': Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." ''[he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]'' :'''Randy''': Hey...you didn't get beeped. :'''Jimbo''': Uh-oh. :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[urgently]'' You guys! Look here! ''[the group rushes over]'' In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]! :'''Kyle''': Cartman, this is serious! :'''Cartman''': So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]] doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. === ''[[w:Cripple Fight|Cripple Fight]]'' [5.2] === :'''Cartman''': Cripple fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[over PA]'' Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid! :'''Stan''': But Dad, I was just trying to- :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant! :'''Stan''': ''[to Cartman]'' Asshole. :'''Randy Marsh''': That's better. :'''Cartman''': Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. ''[imitates Timmy]'' "Timmy!" :'''Timmy''': ''[angry]'' Aah! :'''Jimmy''': ''[continues impression]'' I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years. :'''Stan''': Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Cartman''': That's not funny! [[Jesus Christ]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Jimmy''': Not this year! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the ''hat!'' ''[punches him in the stomach]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': You dirty motherfucker! === ''[[w:Super Best Friends|Super Best Friends]]'' [5.3] === :'''Butters:''' I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. :'''Magic Workshop Leader:''' ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy. :'''Butters:''' ''[coldly]'' And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do ''you'' think I'm unhappy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle?! :''[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]'' :'''Stan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[still off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': ''[follows Kyle's voice]'' Oh my God, they killed Kenny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[to Stan and Kyle]'' Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? ''[laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls]'' Ow! ''[Stan kicks him in the balls]'' Aargh! ''[boys take turns kicking him]'' Stop it! Aaargh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. :'''Butters''': I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle. :'''Stan''' No, I'm Stan. :'''Kyle''': You're Stan? Where's Kenny? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Kyle''': I'm Kyle. :'''Cartman''': He-he, guess who I am, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': I'm not going anywhere. :'''Stan''': Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here! :'''Kyle''': Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. :'''Stan''': Oh wait, who am I again? :'''Kyle''': You're Stan. === ''[[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die|Scott Tenorman Must Die]]'' [5.4] === :''[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]'' :'''Stan''': Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you? :'''Cartman''': Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." [[Braveheart|But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!"]] Now who's with me?!! :''[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]'' :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Cartman''': ''[groans]'' Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy. :'''Timmy''': Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. ''[rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. ''[Chef looks like he's been used]'' It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. ''[Stan and Kyle are stunned]'' I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. ''[a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed]'' I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. ''[a shot of Scott talking with his parents]'' And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. ''[the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]'' :'''Mr. Denkins''': ''[looks of horror surround him]'' Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights. :'''Scott''': My...mom and dad are...dead? ''[a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]'' :'''Cartman''': I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... ''[a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away]'' After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. ''[more faces of horror behind Cartman]'' Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? ''[a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman]'' I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." :'''Scott''': ''[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened]'' Oh my God! ''[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away]'' Oh my God! ''[vomits off to the side]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[leaping up on the table and sings]'' Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! ''[Stan and Kyle are horrified]'' :'''Stan''': Jesus Christ, dude! :'''Scott''': ''[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table]'' My mom and dad are dead! ''[pounds the table]'' No! Nooo! ''[Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Um, excuse me? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Jonny''': We're that band, Radiohead. :'''Ed''': [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby! :'''Colin''': Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby? :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. :'''Ed''': Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. ''[the members of the band start leaving]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. :'''Phil''': Little crybaby. :'''Scott''': ''[gathers himself and looks]'' No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! ''[buries his face in the table and bawls again.]'' Nooo! :'''Cartman:''' ''[walks over to Scott's end of the table]'' Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! ''[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]'' Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. :'''Kyle''': ...Dude, I think it might be best for us to '''''never piss Cartman off again.''''' :'''Stan''': Good call. :'''Cartman''': Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. ''[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]'' Mm-yummy, you guys! ''[fade out, then quickly back in to [[Wikipedia:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]]-style iris]'' a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks! === ''[[w:Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow|Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow]]'' [5.5] === :'''Young Terrance and Phillip''': ''Beef and lamb, chicken and ham'' :''Step to the left and clap your hands!'' :''Gosh, we love that chicken and ham'' :''Don't they love that chicken and ham?'' :'''Woman''': Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads? :'''Man''': It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian. :'''Woman''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war." :'''Terrance''': Here's a missile for ya! ''[farts]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on? :'''Terrance''': I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas. :'''Phillip''': Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? ''[farts; they both laugh]'' :'''Goat Leader''': As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas. :'''Phillip''': Wow, that sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents! :'''Phillip''': Yeah, whatever, kid. :'''Stan''': [[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die| He'll do it]], dude! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, you guys! That line isn't long! :'''Kyle''': Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts! :'''Cartman''': Kenny's a random slut! === ''[[w:Cartmanland|Cartmanland]]'' [5.6] === :'''Kyle''': ''[to God]'' Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right]'' Whoa! Heheh. ''[a skeleton pops out to his right]'' Whoa! ''[a ghost pops on from his left]'' Whoa! Heheheheheh. ''[he exits the ride and ambles back to the road]'' Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh. :'''Kyle''': ''[in the distance, while Cartman speaks]'' Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! ''[the sound of chain-link is heard]'' Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts! :'''Cartman''': ''[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better]'' What the hell? :'''Kyle''': Hohohooho! Oowwww! :'''Cartman''': '''''YOU SONS OF BITCHES!''''' ''[goes towards the source of the sound]'' :''[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]'' :'''Stan''': Come on, dude! :'''Kyle''': OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!! :'''Cartman''': ''[arriving]'' What the hell are you doing?! :'''Stan''': Aw, crap. :'''Kyle''': OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! ''[falls off, but outside the park]'' :'''Stan''': Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle] :'''Kyle''': ''[now standing, rubbing his ass]'' Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!! :'''Stan''': Alright, let's go. :'''Cartman''': ''[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park]'' That's right! You stay out! :'''Stan''': You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better! :'''Kyle''': My life can't get any worse! :'''Stan''': You'll see! We'll get in! ''[walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]'' :'''Cartman''': If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': Agh! ''[the nurse moves the pincers one way]'' Agghh! ''[then another]'' :'''Nurse''': Just a little more. ''[one twist more]'' There we go. ''[withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]'' :'''Gerald''': Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today? :'''Kyle''': ''[the nurse leaves]'' Awesome. ''[Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]'' :'''Sheila''': Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible. :'''Kyle''': I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me? :'''Gerald''': Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. ''[begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears]'' You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. ''[camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair]'' Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children ''[they come out of a building with their mother]'', a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man] :'''Sheila''': ''[a shot of Job petting a bull]'' He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread] :'''Gerald''': He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. ''[Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]'' :'''Sheila''': But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God. :'''Kyle''': ''[still mad]'' Satan talked to God? :'''Sheila''': Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day." :'''Gerald''': But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name." :'''Sheila''': To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name." :'''Gerald''': And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. ''[that scene is shown]'' :'''Sheila''': Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. ''[meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]'' :'''Gerald''': And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. ''[the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]'' :'''Sheila''': Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. ''[Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]'' :'''Gerald''': So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. ''[shown, with the burning fields behind him]'' :'''Sheila''': He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. ''[another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]'' :'''Gerald''': God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." ''[all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[a few seconds later]'' And that's it? That's the end? :'''Sheila''': Basically. :'''Kyle''': That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan? :'''Gerald''': Oh. Uh, I don't know. :'''Kyle''': Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, are you okay? :'''Kyle''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? :'''Stan''': Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in. :'''Sheila''': I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. :'''Stan''': Jesus. :'''Kyle''': But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude. :'''Sheila''': Kyle, don't say such things! :'''Kyle''': Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids? :'''Gerald''': Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- :'''Kyle''': No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? '''''I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! ''[beat]'' Kyle? :'''Kyle''': Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park. :'''Stan''': ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but— :'''Kyle''': ''(in tears)'' Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in [[wikipedia:God in Judaism|Jehovah]]! To believe that we should all [[wikipedia:Judaism#Jewish_observances|behave a certain way]] and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! [[wikipedia:Theodicy|It doesn't make sense! '''''WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!?''''']] Ow!... :'''Stan''': Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? :''Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clerk''': Welcome to Cartmanland. :''[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]'' :'''Sheila''': Isn't he getting any better, doctor? :'''Doctor''': I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run.'' [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]'' :'''Announcer''': And now back to Money Quest, on HBC. :'''Host 1''': ''[Camera zooms in on the two hosts]'' Welcome back to Money Quest. ''[Kyle looks at the show]'' In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman ''[his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts]'' has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. :'''Host 2''': And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing. :'''Host 1''': Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country. :''[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]'' :'''Waitress''': I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now. :''[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....] :'''Clerk''': No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in. :''[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]'' :'''Associate''': ''[the shoppers rush out of there]'' Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! ''[kicks the last shopper out]'' :''[Back to Money Quest...]'' :'''Host 1''': Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. :''[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]'' :'''Kyle''': Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... ''[passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]'' :'''Sheila''': ''[approaches]'' Kyle? Kyle? ''[turns to Gerald]'' Get the doctor! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Fun''': My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around! :'''Chris''': He sure did. :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this. :'''Cartman''': Hey, there you are! :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success. :'''Cartman''': Just give me my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': What? :'''Cartman''': I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park. :'''Mr. Fun''': ..But it's doing great! :'''Cartman''': You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!! :'''Mr. Fun''': You bet! I'll go get your money right now! ''[both leave]'' :'''Kid''': Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets? :'''Cartman''': '''''GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY''!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gerald''': Isn't he responding at all, doctor? :'''Doctor''': ''[turns around to face them]'' I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life. :'''Sheila''': But then... are you saying...? :'''Doctor''': There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live. :'''Sheila''': ''[walks up to Kyle]'' Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! :''[North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]'' :'''Cartman''': Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! ''[three men in suits approach Cartman]'' :'''Agent''': Excuse me? Eric Cartman? :'''Cartman''': ''[turns to face them]'' Yeah? :'''Agent''': I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. ''[to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]'' :'''Cartman''': Hey. Hey, that's my money! :'''Mr. Garrett''': There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. ''[takes the wagon with the other half million]'' :'''Cartman''': What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time! :'''Mr. Garrett''': You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. ''[the men walk away with the million]'' :'''Cartman''': Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit! :'''Mr. Garrett''': We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time. :'''Cartman''': Ah! But I-I-I... ''[sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him]'' Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': Nohoho way, José! :'''Cartman''': But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything! :'''Mr. Fun''': "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." ''[turns around and disappears into the crowd]'' :'''Cartman''': This can't be happening! '''''AGGGHH!!''''' :''[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around] :'''Sheila''': ''[sadly]'' Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest] :'''Stan''': Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached? :'''Doctor''': Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-- :'''Stan''': Then damnit man, do it! :''[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]'' :'''Cartman''': It isn't fair! ''[throws another stone]'' You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! ''[throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]'' :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle. Look. ''[smiles]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! ''[throws another stone]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[more alert]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': '''I'M SO PISSED OFF!''' ''[the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]'' :'''Security Guard''': Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property! :'''Cartman''': Ey! You used to work for me! ''[the guard sprays Cartman in the face]'' Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! ''[coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle! :'''Doctor''': He's coming back. :'''Sheila''': That's it, baby. That's it. :'''Cartman''': Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks! :'''Doctor''': Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission! :'''Hemorrhoid''': ''[receding into the colon]'' Oh, shit! :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it. :'''Cartman''': It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! ''[Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]'' :'''Kyle''': You ''are'' up there! ''[smiles]'' === ''[[w:Proper Condom Use|Proper Condom Use]]'' [5.7] === :'''Randy''': ''[screams]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?''' :'''Stan''': I'm [[Masturbation|beating off]] the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :''[everyone is shocked]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!''''' :'''Stan''': My room? Why? :'''Sharon''': Go, Stanley! ''[Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously]'' He gets very good grades. ''[Later, in Stan's room; sternly]'' Stanley, do you know ''why'' you're being grounded for ten months? :'''Stan''': No. :'''Randy''': Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. ''[Sharon glares at him]'' Uh, I mean ''ever''- beating off the dog is not appropriate ''ever''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Choksondik''': You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': The right time to start having sex is 17. :'''Sheila''': So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? :'''Chef''': Nope, just 17. :'''Gerald''': But what if you're not ready at 17? :'''Chef''': [[wikipedia:Ages_of_consent_in_the_United_States#Colorado|17, you're ready.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car]'' So, we meet again, [[Jennifer Lopez]]. :'''Kyle''': ''[as Jennifer Lopez]'' No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies! :'''Stan''': That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. ''[pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]'' :'''Kyle''': AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS! :'''Stan''': Scream for me, bitch! :'''Kyle''': AH! :''[the doll's face melts off]'' :'''Kyle and Stan''': Whoa, awesome! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny? :'''Jenny''': It flies around and it's endangered. :'''Mr. Garrison''': That's a ''condor'', Jenny. ''Condor.'' Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore? :'''Fillmore''': Can we do finger paints? :'''Mr. Garrison''': NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. ''[pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo]'' First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth ''[he does so]'' ...and apply. ''[it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry]'' And it's as easy as that. Any questions? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': [[w:Human sexuality|Sex is emotional and spiritual]]. It needs to be taught by family. [[w:The birds and the bees|I know it can be hard, parents]], but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know ''who'' they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey]'' someone who has a bad opinion of it, ''[pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully]'' or even a complete pervert. ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]'' :'''Mr. Garrison''': ''[offended]'' Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. ''[She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Are you wearing a condom? :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Oh, well. Fuck it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, what the heck are you doing? :'''Cartman''': I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Why are you wearing a condom? :'''Cartman''': So I don't get [[w:AIDS|AIDS]]. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]'' :'''Male Pharmacist''': Can I help you boys? :'''Stan''': Yeah, we need condoms! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Condoms... :'''Kyle''': Yeah, quick! :'''Male Pharmacist''': ...How old are you boys? :'''Stan''': Why does that matter? :'''Butters''': I'll be 9 next week! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms. :'''Kyle''': Why not?! You want us to get AIDS? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just don't think kids your age should-- :'''Female Pharmacist''': Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them. :'''Male Pharmacist''': But...they're children! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Would you rather them do it unprotected? :'''Cartman''': Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. :'''Stan''': Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side. :'''Male Pharmacist''': I don't even think we'll have any that fit them! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50. :'''Butters''': 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?! :'''Female Pharmacist''': No, you have to change them. :'''Kyle''': Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are reading the condom instructions]'' :'''Stan''': Doesn't it give any other directions? :'''Butters''': Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. ''[reading the disclaimer]'' If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [STD's] :'''Kyle''': What are studs? :'''Butters''': Huh...how the heck should I know? ''[opens condom]'' Why, it's just a little doughnut! ''[touches it]'' Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey! :'''Cartman''': Just put it on, Butters. :'''Butters''': How come I got to go first? :'''Cartman''': Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering? :'''Butters''': Oh all right then. ''[turns around and pulls his pants down]'' Oh, it's all sticky. :'''Kyle''': It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. :'''Butters''': I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. ''[Cartman looks over]'' :'''Stan''': Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo! :'''Cartman''': I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on! :'''Kyle''': Sure... :'''Butters''': But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something. :'''Tweek''': Gah! I got rubber bands! :'''Butters''': ''[fastening the condom with rubber bands]'' Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on. :'''Stan''': How do you feel? :'''Butters''': ...Pretty good. :'''Cartman''': Do you feel protected? :'''Butters''': Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. :'''Stan''': All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on. :'''Timmy''': TIMMEH! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]'' :'''Wendy:''' ''[at the helm of a gun turret]'' Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant! :'''Bebe:''' Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever! :'''Stan:''' Ha! They're your diseases! :'''Kyle:''' Yeah! ''You'' get out of town! :'''Cartman:''' Here, talk to them, Butters. :'''Butters:''' ''[lifts up his mask]'' Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say? :'''Cartman:''' Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence. :'''Butters:''' ''[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice]'' '''Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.''' :'''Kyle:''' ''[to Stan]'' Man, he's pretty good. === ''[[w:Towelie (South Park episode)|Towelie]]'' [5.8] === :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Towelie, you are the worst character ever. :'''Towelie''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time. :'''Towelie''': Don't preach to me, fatso! :'''Cartman''': I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE stupid! :'''Cartman''': Oh, yeah, well you're a towel! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE a towel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': That's my last J, asshole! === ''[[w:Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants|Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants]]'' [5.9] === :'''Stan''': America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I told you, [[w:List of Star Wars races (F-J)#Jawa|jawa]]s have no heart. :'''Kyle''': Jawas? :'''Cartman''': You know, [[w:Tusken Raider|sand people]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan's Afghan counterpart''': ''[to the other counterparts]'' We're speaking in English; does that make sense? <hr width="50%"/> :'''CNN Newscaster''': The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women! :'''Afghan Kid''': It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's. :'''Stan''': ''[to Kyle]'' He's got us there, dude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel! ''[the boys are irritated]'' :'''Cartman''': Oh no, not Towelie. :'''Towelie''': When going some place new, you should always bring a towel. :'''Stan''': Okay, thanks, Towelie. :'''Towelie''': You want to get high? :'''Cartman''': ''[talking fast]'' NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH! :'''Towelie''': You mean, you don't want Towelie around? :'''Cartman''': That's right! :'''Towelie''': So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? ''[chuckles. The boys are irritated again]'' :'''Stan''': God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie! :'''Towelie''': Alright, see ya. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about ''[checks his watch]'' eight weeks now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]'' :'''Kyle''': Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it? :'''Cartman''': Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you. :'''Stan''': Cartman, you stupid asshole. === ''[[w:How to Eat with Your Butt|How to Eat with Your Butt]]'' [5.10] === :'''Photographer''': Take off your hat, please? :'''Kyle''': But I never take off my hat. :'''Photographer''': Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural. :'''Kyle''': This ''is'' how I look natural. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Why did the...pigeon cross the road? :'''Cartman''': Okay, why? :'''Jimmy''': Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken. === ''[[w:The Entity (South Park)|The Entity]]'' [5.11] === :''[Kyle Broflovski = Kyle. Kyle’s cousin = Kyle 2]'' :''[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]'' :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class. :'''Cartman''': Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit! :'''Kyle''': Cartman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': ''[after seeing commercial for IT]'' That looks pretty gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Garrison''': Excuse me what the hell are you doing? :'''Government agent 1''': It's alright we're with the government. :'''Government agent 2''': We're just shutting you down. :'''Mr Garrison''': Shutting me down why? :'''Government agent 3''': The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money. :'''Mr Garrison''': Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down! :'''Agent 4''': Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal. :'''Mr Garrsion''': OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding! :'''Agent 5''': Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired. :'''Mr Garrison''': THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!! :'''Agent 6''': That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. :'''Mr Garrison''': HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! === ''[[w:Here Comes the Neighborhood|Here Comes the Neighborhood]]'' [5.12] === :'''Will Smith Jr''': ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Token''': ''(singing)'' Why can't I be like all the other kids?<br/>They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns<br/>And cut-up hot dogs for lunch<br/>It's not my fault my parents succeed so much<br/>There's no one in town I can relate to<br/>I play with autographed baseball bats<br/>While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones<br/>Has a boy ever felt so alone?<br/>Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not<br/>If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got<br/>If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around<br/>So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down<br/>Please, God, send more rich kids…<br/>To my… town.<br/>I don't fit in anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- ''[episode ends]'' === ''[[w:Kenny Dies|Kenny Dies]]'' [5.13] === :'''Cartman''': ''[on the phone]'' Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, :'''Chuck:''' I wasn't born yesterday either! <hr width=50% /> :''[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again. :'''Kyle''': ''[he and Stan take their seats]'' Yeah, they're gonna get busted again. :'''Ms. Choksondik''': ''[enters carrying a few books]'' Alright, class, let's take our seats. ''[seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class]'' Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office. :'''Stan''': The principal? Aw, come on! :'''Kyle''': We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': She needs to see you now. ''[points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]'' :'''Kyle''': Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat. :''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]'' :'''Principal Victoria''': Hello, boys. :'''Stan''': Wait. What's going on here? ''[he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]'' :'''Kyle''': Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know. :'''Mr. Mackey''': ''[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey]'' You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. ''[the boys each take a chair and sit down]'' Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. ''[the boys look stunned]'' And well, he's pretty sick. ''[Sharon leans on Randy]'' :'''Kyle''': Kenny's sick? :'''Stan''': Well, how sick? :'''Chef''': Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease. :'''Stan''': ''[after a pause]'' ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right? :'''Sharon''': Oh dear. ''[buries her face in Randy's shoulder]'' :'''Stan''': Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better. :'''Sharon''': Randy... :'''Randy''': They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon. :'''Kyle''': Wait. Kenny's going to die? :'''Gerald''': He might, Kyle. :'''Stan''': ''[tearing up]'' ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend. :'''Mr. Mackey''': We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever. :'''Stan''': No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! ''[buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a ''fetal'' mistake. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend? :'''Chef''': There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about [[wikipedia:Fall_of_man|something we did thousands of years ago]] - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand? :'''Stan''': Then why does God give us anything to start with? :'''Chef''': Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. :'''Stan''': I think I understand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny has just died]'' :'''Stan''': Did he say anything before he went? :'''Kyle''': He just said, "Where's Stan?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile. === ''[[w:Butters' Very Own Episode|Butters' Very Own Episode]]'' [5.14] === :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who loves VMCS? That stands for Very Merry Christmas Songs. Who's the kid with the voices in his head? Everyone knows it's Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who does stupid things? Who thinks All Dogs Go To Heaven is the best? Who's that moron with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone hates Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Making toddlers cry, wasting his own time, petting a horse in the stables, named Stella Dallas. :'''Butters''': I love you. :'''Singers''': Who's the little twerp with the ugly little dimples? Being unpopular to everybody? If we just ground him forever, we all might be jolly. Ground a little boy named Butters! :'''Butters''': Aw, dang it! :'''Butters''': ''[pulling a cat's tail, laughing]'' I can do this forever! ''[the cat managed to break free and scratches him]'' OW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': Butters, you are grounded! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truck Driver''': Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]]. :'''Butters''': Yeah. I could use some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]] myself right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? :'''Old Man''': That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. ''[indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest]'' Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys''': One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are [[w:JonBenét Ramsey|the Ramseys]], [[w:Gary Condit|Congressman Condit]], and [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J.]]. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" ''[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]'' "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that ''murderer"''! ''[a shot of O.J.]'' ''"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"'' ''[back to Chris]'' And to me, people might say things like, ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, ''[a shot of the Ramseys]'' "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" ''[a shot of O.J.]'' "CONFESS!" ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! CONFESS!!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Let's sing Jingle Bells! Sing along with me! == External links == {{wikipedia|South Park season 5}} [[Category:South Park seasons|05]] cfa54ckc4fmzs3s8i4hwstc6k86wgo2 3944349 3944348 2026-05-23T01:59:00Z ~2026-30607-66 3327673 /* Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14] */ 3944349 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''South Park''/Season 5}} {{South Park header}} '''''[[w:South Park|South Park]]''''' (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] and [[w:Matt Stone|Matt Stone]]. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado. === ''[[w:It Hits the Fan|It Hits the Fan]]'' [5.1] === :'''Cartman''': Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]. :'''Kyle''': There's no sand in my [[w:vagina|vagina]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Hey there, shitty-shitty fag-fag, shitty-shitty fag-fag, how do you do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I said "shit" on television. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': But they're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it. :'''Kyle''': I don't really give a fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that. :'''Randy''': You mean I can't say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': No, see, you got beeped. :'''Guy''': You mean you have to be a f[beep] to say f[beep]? :'''Mr. Garrison''': Yep. :'''Jimbo''': Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." ''[he looks shocked as he realizes he didn't get censored]'' :'''Randy''': Hey...you didn't get beeped. :'''Jimbo''': Uh-oh. :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[urgently]'' You guys! Look here! ''[the group rushes over]'' In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That COULD explain how Kyle got it in his [[w:vagina|vagina]]! :'''Kyle''': Cartman, this is serious! :'''Cartman''': So am I, Kyle-- if that sand in your [[w:vagina|vagina]] doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. === ''[[w:Cripple Fight|Cripple Fight]]'' [5.2] === :'''Cartman''': Cripple fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[over PA]'' Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid! :'''Stan''': But Dad, I was just trying to- :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant! :'''Stan''': ''[to Cartman]'' Asshole. :'''Randy Marsh''': That's better. :'''Cartman''': Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. ''[imitates Timmy]'' "Timmy!" :'''Timmy''': ''[angry]'' Aah! :'''Jimmy''': ''[continues impression]'' I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years. :'''Stan''': Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Cartman''': That's not funny! [[Jesus Christ]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Jimmy''': Not this year! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the ''hat!'' ''[punches him in the stomach]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': You dirty motherfucker! === ''[[w:Super Best Friends|Super Best Friends]]'' [5.3] === :'''Butters:''' I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams. :'''Magic Workshop Leader:''' ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy. :'''Butters:''' ''[coldly]'' And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do ''you'' think I'm unhappy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle?! :''[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]'' :'''Stan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! :'''Kyle''': ''[still off screen, in the distance]'' You bastards! :'''Stan''': ''[follows Kyle's voice]'' Oh my God, they killed Kenny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[to Stan and Kyle]'' Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? ''[laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls]'' Ow! ''[Stan kicks him in the balls]'' Aargh! ''[boys take turns kicking him]'' Stop it! Aaargh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea. :'''Butters''': I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle. :'''Stan''' No, I'm Stan. :'''Kyle''': You're Stan? Where's Kenny? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Kyle''': I'm Kyle. :'''Cartman''': He-he, guess who I am, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': I'm not going anywhere. :'''Stan''': Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here! :'''Kyle''': Huh? I thought you wanted to leave. :'''Stan''': Oh wait, who am I again? :'''Kyle''': You're Stan. === ''[[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die|Scott Tenorman Must Die]]'' [5.4] === :''[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]'' :'''Stan''': Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you? :'''Cartman''': Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." [[Braveheart|But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!!!"]] Now who's with me?!! :''[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]'' :'''Timmy''': Timmy! :'''Cartman''': ''[groans]'' Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy. :'''Timmy''': Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. ''[rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. ''[Chef looks like he's been used]'' It's delicious, Chef- I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. ''[Stan and Kyle are stunned]'' I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. ''[a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed]'' I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. ''[a shot of Scott talking with his parents]'' And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. ''[the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]'' :'''Mr. Denkins''': ''[looks of horror surround him]'' Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights. :'''Scott''': My...mom and dad are...dead? ''[a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]'' :'''Cartman''': I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... ''[a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away]'' After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. ''[more faces of horror behind Cartman]'' Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? ''[a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman]'' I call it... "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." :'''Scott''': ''[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened]'' Oh my God! ''[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away]'' Oh my God! ''[vomits off to the side]'' :'''Cartman''': ''[leaping up on the table and sings]'' Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, I made you eat your par-ents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! ''[Stan and Kyle are horrified]'' :'''Stan''': Jesus Christ, dude! :'''Scott''': ''[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table]'' My mom and dad are dead! ''[pounds the table]'' No! Nooo! ''[Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Um, excuse me? :'''Stan''': Who are you? :'''Jonny''': We're that band, Radiohead. :'''Ed''': [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby! :'''Colin''': Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby? :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. :'''Ed''': Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. ''[the members of the band start leaving]'' :'''[[w:Thom Yorke|Thom]]''': Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. :'''Phil''': Little crybaby. :'''Scott''': ''[gathers himself and looks]'' No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! ''[buries his face in the table and bawls again.]'' Nooo! :'''Cartman:''' ''[walks over to Scott's end of the table]'' Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! ''[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]'' Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. :'''Kyle''': ...Dude, I think it might be best for us to '''''never piss Cartman off again.''''' :'''Stan''': Good call. :'''Cartman''': Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. ''[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]'' Mm-yummy, you guys! ''[fade out, then quickly back in to [[Wikipedia:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]]-style iris]'' a-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks! === ''[[w:Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow|Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow]]'' [5.5] === :'''Young Terrance and Phillip''': ''Beef and lamb, chicken and ham'' :''Step to the left and clap your hands!'' :''Gosh, we love that chicken and ham'' :''Don't they love that chicken and ham?'' :'''Woman''': Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads? :'''Man''': It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian. :'''Woman''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war." :'''Terrance''': Here's a missile for ya! ''[farts]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phillip''': Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on? :'''Terrance''': I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas. :'''Phillip''': Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? ''[farts; they both laugh]'' :'''Goat Leader''': As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas. :'''Phillip''': Wow, that sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents! :'''Phillip''': Yeah, whatever, kid. :'''Stan''': [[w:Scott Tenorman Must Die| He'll do it]], dude! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Look, you guys! That line isn't long! :'''Kyle''': Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts! :'''Cartman''': Kenny's a random slut! === ''[[w:Cartmanland|Cartmanland]]'' [5.6] === :'''Kyle''': ''[to God]'' Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': ''[a mummy pops out of a casket to his right]'' Whoa! Heheh. ''[a skeleton pops out to his right]'' Whoa! ''[a ghost pops on from his left]'' Whoa! Heheheheheh. ''[he exits the ride and ambles back to the road]'' Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh. :'''Kyle''': ''[in the distance, while Cartman speaks]'' Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! ''[the sound of chain-link is heard]'' Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts! :'''Cartman''': ''[lifts his hand to his ear to hear better]'' What the hell? :'''Kyle''': Hohohooho! Oowwww! :'''Cartman''': '''''YOU SONS OF BITCHES!''''' ''[goes towards the source of the sound]'' :''[Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.]'' :'''Stan''': Come on, dude! :'''Kyle''': OH GOD, I POPPED IT! OH IT HURTS!!! :'''Cartman''': ''[arriving]'' What the hell are you doing?! :'''Stan''': Aw, crap. :'''Kyle''': OH MY GOD, GET ME OFF OF HERE! ''[falls off, but outside the park]'' :'''Stan''': Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle] :'''Kyle''': ''[now standing, rubbing his ass]'' Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I NEED MY CREEEAM!! :'''Stan''': Alright, let's go. :'''Cartman''': ''[reaches the scene, but stays inside the park]'' That's right! You stay out! :'''Stan''': You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better! :'''Kyle''': My life can't get any worse! :'''Stan''': You'll see! We'll get in! ''[walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]'' :'''Cartman''': If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': Agh! ''[the nurse moves the pincers one way]'' Agghh! ''[then another]'' :'''Nurse''': Just a little more. ''[one twist more]'' There we go. ''[withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]'' :'''Gerald''': Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today? :'''Kyle''': ''[the nurse leaves]'' Awesome. ''[Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]'' :'''Sheila''': Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible. :'''Kyle''': I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me? :'''Gerald''': Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. ''[begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears]'' You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long, long time ago. ''[camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair]'' Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children ''[they come out of a building with their mother]'', a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man] :'''Sheila''': ''[a shot of Job petting a bull]'' He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread] :'''Gerald''': He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. ''[Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]'' :'''Sheila''': But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God. :'''Kyle''': ''[still mad]'' Satan talked to God? :'''Sheila''': Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day." :'''Gerald''': But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name." :'''Sheila''': To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name." :'''Gerald''': And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. ''[that scene is shown]'' :'''Sheila''': Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. ''[meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]'' :'''Gerald''': And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. ''[the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]'' :'''Sheila''': Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. ''[Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]'' :'''Gerald''': So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. ''[shown, with the burning fields behind him]'' :'''Sheila''': He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. ''[another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]'' :'''Gerald''': God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." ''[all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[a few seconds later]'' And that's it? That's the end? :'''Sheila''': Basically. :'''Kyle''': That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan? :'''Gerald''': Oh. Uh, I don't know. :'''Kyle''': Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, are you okay? :'''Kyle''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? :'''Stan''': Well, um, I found out that Cartman's letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in. :'''Sheila''': I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid. :'''Stan''': Jesus. :'''Kyle''': But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there IS no God. There's no God, dude. :'''Sheila''': Kyle, don't say such things! :'''Kyle''': Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do, something bad will happen to me? Because if I do, your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids? :'''Gerald''': Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- :'''Kyle''': No! I finally DO understand! There is no justice! There is no GOD! Do you hear me!? '''''I RENOUNCE MY FAITH!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Interior scene, synagogue. Stan finds Kyle sitting alone in the empty pews. Sad music plays.]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! ''[beat]'' Kyle? :'''Kyle''': Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I-I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park. :'''Stan''': ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but— :'''Kyle''': ''(in tears)'' Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in [[wikipedia:God in Judaism|Jehovah]]! To believe that we should all [[wikipedia:Judaism#Jewish_observances|behave a certain way]] and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "Y'know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! [[wikipedia:Theodicy|It doesn't make sense! '''''WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?!?''''']] Ow!... :'''Stan''': Look, Cartman...he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? :''Cut to a montage of Cartman riding various rides at his park, laughing and cheering in euphoria all the way.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clerk''': Welcome to Cartmanland. :''[Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents.]'' :'''Sheila''': Isn't he getting any better, doctor? :'''Doctor''': I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run.'' [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]'' :'''Announcer''': And now back to Money Quest, on HBC. :'''Host 1''': ''[Camera zooms in on the two hosts]'' Welcome back to Money Quest. ''[Kyle looks at the show]'' In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman ''[his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts]'' has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands. :'''Host 2''': And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing. :'''Host 1''': Well, ahah, I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country. :''[At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...]'' :'''Waitress''': I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now. :''[At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside....] :'''Clerk''': No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in. :''[At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...]'' :'''Associate''': ''[the shoppers rush out of there]'' Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! ''[kicks the last shopper out]'' :''[Back to Money Quest...]'' :'''Host 1''': Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time. :''[Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...]'' :'''Kyle''': Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh... ''[passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]'' :'''Sheila''': ''[approaches]'' Kyle? Kyle? ''[turns to Gerald]'' Get the doctor! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Fun''': My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around! :'''Chris''': He sure did. :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this. :'''Cartman''': Hey, there you are! :'''Mr. Fun''': Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success. :'''Cartman''': Just give me my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': What? :'''Cartman''': I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park. :'''Mr. Fun''': ..But it's doing great! :'''Cartman''': You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god damn it!! :'''Mr. Fun''': You bet! I'll go get your money right now! ''[both leave]'' :'''Kid''': Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets? :'''Cartman''': '''''GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY''!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gerald''': Isn't he responding at all, doctor? :'''Doctor''': ''[turns around to face them]'' I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life. :'''Sheila''': But then... are you saying...? :'''Doctor''': There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live. :'''Sheila''': ''[walks up to Kyle]'' Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! :''[North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer.]'' :'''Cartman''': Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! ''[three men in suits approach Cartman]'' :'''Agent''': Excuse me? Eric Cartman? :'''Cartman''': ''[turns to face them]'' Yeah? :'''Agent''': I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred-thousand-dollar discrepancy. ''[to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]'' :'''Cartman''': Hey. Hey, that's my money! :'''Mr. Garrett''': There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. ''[takes the wagon with the other half million]'' :'''Cartman''': What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time! :'''Mr. Garrett''': You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. ''[the men walk away with the million]'' :'''Cartman''': Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit! :'''Mr. Garrett''': We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time. :'''Cartman''': Ah! But I-I-I... ''[sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him]'' Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back. :'''Mr. Fun''': Nohoho way, José! :'''Cartman''': But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything! :'''Mr. Fun''': "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." ''[turns around and disappears into the crowd]'' :'''Cartman''': This can't be happening! '''''AGGGHH!!''''' :''[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room.]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around] :'''Sheila''': ''[sadly]'' Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest] :'''Stan''': Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached? :'''Doctor''': Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-- :'''Stan''': Then damnit man, do it! :''[North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls.]'' :'''Cartman''': It isn't fair! ''[throws another stone]'' You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! ''[throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]'' :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle. Look. ''[smiles]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[opens his eyes]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! ''[throws another stone]'' :'''Kyle''': ''[more alert]'' Huh? :'''Cartman''': '''I'M SO PISSED OFF!''' ''[the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]'' :'''Security Guard''': Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property! :'''Cartman''': Ey! You used to work for me! ''[the guard sprays Cartman in the face]'' Ut Ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you son of a bitch! ''[coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]'' :'''Stan''': Kyle! :'''Doctor''': He's coming back. :'''Sheila''': That's it, baby. That's it. :'''Cartman''': Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks! :'''Doctor''': Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission! :'''Hemorrhoid''': ''[receding into the colon]'' Oh, shit! :'''Stan''': Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it. :'''Cartman''': It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! ''[Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]'' :'''Kyle''': You ''are'' up there! ''[smiles]'' === ''[[w:Proper Condom Use|Proper Condom Use]]'' [5.7] === :'''Randy''': ''[screams]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?''' :'''Stan''': I'm [[Masturbation|beating off]] the dog. Red rocket, Sparky, red rocket! :''[everyone is shocked]'' :'''Sharon''': '''''STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!''''' :'''Stan''': My room? Why? :'''Sharon''': Go, Stanley! ''[Stan goes straight to his room; chuckles nervously]'' He gets very good grades. ''[Later, in Stan's room; sternly]'' Stanley, do you know ''why'' you're being grounded for ten months? :'''Stan''': No. :'''Randy''': Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. ''[Sharon glares at him]'' Uh, I mean ''ever''- beating off the dog is not appropriate ''ever''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Choksondik''': You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': The right time to start having sex is 17. :'''Sheila''': So you mean 17 as long as you're in love? :'''Chef''': Nope, just 17. :'''Gerald''': But what if you're not ready at 17? :'''Chef''': [[wikipedia:Ages_of_consent_in_the_United_States#Colorado|17, you're ready.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': ''[he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car]'' So, we meet again, [[Jennifer Lopez]]. :'''Kyle''': ''[as Jennifer Lopez]'' No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies! :'''Stan''': That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. ''[pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]'' :'''Kyle''': AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS! :'''Stan''': Scream for me, bitch! :'''Kyle''': AH! :''[the doll's face melts off]'' :'''Kyle and Stan''': Whoa, awesome! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny? :'''Jenny''': It flies around and it's endangered. :'''Mr. Garrison''': That's a ''condor'', Jenny. ''Condor.'' Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of STD's. Yes, Fillmore? :'''Fillmore''': Can we do finger paints? :'''Mr. Garrison''': NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS!! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. ''[pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo]'' First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth ''[he does so]'' ...and apply. ''[it pans to the kids watching as he demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry]'' And it's as easy as that. Any questions? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef''': [[w:Human sexuality|Sex is emotional and spiritual]]. It needs to be taught by family. [[w:The birds and the bees|I know it can be hard, parents]], but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know ''who'' they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Mackey]'' someone who has a bad opinion of it, ''[pan to Ms. Choksondik, who nods shamefully]'' or even a complete pervert. ''[pan to a shot of Mr. Garrison]'' :'''Mr. Garrison''': ''[offended]'' Wha-?! Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently. ''[She and Mr. Mackey look lovingly at eachother.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Are you wearing a condom? :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Oh, well. Fuck it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, what the heck are you doing? :'''Cartman''': I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Why are you wearing a condom? :'''Cartman''': So I don't get [[w:AIDS|AIDS]]. :'''Mr. Mackey''': Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]'' :'''Male Pharmacist''': Can I help you boys? :'''Stan''': Yeah, we need condoms! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Condoms... :'''Kyle''': Yeah, quick! :'''Male Pharmacist''': ...How old are you boys? :'''Stan''': Why does that matter? :'''Butters''': I'll be 9 next week! :'''Male Pharmacist''': Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms. :'''Kyle''': Why not?! You want us to get AIDS? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just don't think kids your age should-- :'''Female Pharmacist''': Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them. :'''Male Pharmacist''': But...they're children! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Would you rather them do it unprotected? :'''Cartman''': Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole? :'''Male Pharmacist''': I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. :'''Stan''': Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side. :'''Male Pharmacist''': I don't even think we'll have any that fit them! :'''Female Pharmacist''': Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50. :'''Butters''': 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?! :'''Female Pharmacist''': No, you have to change them. :'''Kyle''': Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the boys are reading the condom instructions]'' :'''Stan''': Doesn't it give any other directions? :'''Butters''': Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. ''[reading the disclaimer]'' If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [STD's] :'''Kyle''': What are studs? :'''Butters''': Huh...how the heck should I know? ''[opens condom]'' Why, it's just a little doughnut! ''[touches it]'' Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey! :'''Cartman''': Just put it on, Butters. :'''Butters''': How come I got to go first? :'''Cartman''': Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering? :'''Butters''': Oh all right then. ''[turns around and pulls his pants down]'' Oh, it's all sticky. :'''Kyle''': It says you gotta check it for holes or tears. :'''Butters''': I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. ''[Cartman looks over]'' :'''Stan''': Don't look at Butters's schlong, gay mo! :'''Cartman''': I wasn't looking at his schlong! I was seeing how to put the condom on! :'''Kyle''': Sure... :'''Butters''': But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something. :'''Tweek''': Gah! I got rubber bands! :'''Butters''': ''[fastening the condom with rubber bands]'' Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on. :'''Stan''': How do you feel? :'''Butters''': ...Pretty good. :'''Cartman''': Do you feel protected? :'''Butters''': Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it. :'''Stan''': All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Somebody needs to help Timmy get his condom on. :'''Timmy''': TIMMEH! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]'' :'''Wendy:''' ''[at the helm of a gun turret]'' Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant! :'''Bebe:''' Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever! :'''Stan:''' Ha! They're your diseases! :'''Kyle:''' Yeah! ''You'' get out of town! :'''Cartman:''' Here, talk to them, Butters. :'''Butters:''' ''[lifts up his mask]'' Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say? :'''Cartman:''' Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence. :'''Butters:''' ''[lowers his mask and speaks into the mike in a deep, raspy voice]'' '''Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.''' :'''Kyle:''' ''[to Stan]'' Man, he's pretty good. === ''[[w:Towelie (South Park episode)|Towelie]]'' [5.8] === :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': Towelie, you are the worst character ever. :'''Towelie''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time. :'''Towelie''': Don't preach to me, fatso! :'''Cartman''': I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE stupid! :'''Cartman''': Oh, yeah, well you're a towel! :'''Towelie''': YOU'RE a towel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Oh, man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': That's my last J, asshole! === ''[[w:Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants|Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants]]'' [5.9] === :'''Stan''': America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I told you, [[w:List of Star Wars races (F-J)#Jawa|jawa]]s have no heart. :'''Kyle''': Jawas? :'''Cartman''': You know, [[w:Tusken Raider|sand people]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan's Afghan counterpart''': ''[to the other counterparts]'' We're speaking in English; does that make sense? <hr width="50%"/> :'''CNN Newscaster''': The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women! :'''Afghan Kid''': It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's. :'''Stan''': ''[to Kyle]'' He's got us there, dude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Towelie''': Don't forget to bring a towel! ''[the boys are irritated]'' :'''Cartman''': Oh no, not Towelie. :'''Towelie''': When going some place new, you should always bring a towel. :'''Stan''': Okay, thanks, Towelie. :'''Towelie''': You want to get high? :'''Cartman''': ''[talking fast]'' NO, WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH! :'''Towelie''': You mean, you don't want Towelie around? :'''Cartman''': That's right! :'''Towelie''': So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? ''[chuckles. The boys are irritated again]'' :'''Stan''': God damn it, get the hell out of here, Towelie! :'''Towelie''': Alright, see ya. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy Marsh''': Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about ''[checks his watch]'' eight weeks now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]'' :'''Kyle''': Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it? :'''Cartman''': Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you. :'''Stan''': Cartman, you stupid asshole. === ''[[w:How to Eat with Your Butt|How to Eat with Your Butt]]'' [5.10] === :'''Photographer''': Take off your hat, please? :'''Kyle''': But I never take off my hat. :'''Photographer''': Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural. :'''Kyle''': This ''is'' how I look natural. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Why did the...pigeon cross the road? :'''Cartman''': Okay, why? :'''Jimmy''': Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken. === ''[[w:The Entity (South Park)|The Entity]]'' [5.11] === :''[Kyle Broflovski = Kyle. Kyle’s cousin = Kyle 2]'' :''[Kyle is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]'' :'''Ms. Choksondik''': Now, Kyle(2), I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class. :'''Cartman''': Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Ah! Dammit, dammit, dammit! :'''Kyle''': Cartman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kyle''': ''[after seeing commercial for IT]'' That looks pretty gay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Garrison''': Excuse me what the hell are you doing? :'''Government agent 1''': It's alright we're with the government. :'''Government agent 2''': We're just shutting you down. :'''Mr Garrison''': Shutting me down why? :'''Government agent 3''': The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your new vehicle is causing them to lose money. :'''Mr Garrison''': Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down! :'''Agent 4''': Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal. :'''Mr Garrsion''': OH, GOD-DAMMIT! You'd better be kidding! :'''Agent 5''': Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired. :'''Mr Garrison''': THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!! :'''Agent 6''': That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. :'''Mr Garrison''': HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! === ''[[w:Here Comes the Neighborhood|Here Comes the Neighborhood]]'' [5.12] === :'''Will Smith Jr''': ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Token''': ''(singing)'' Why can't I be like all the other kids?<br/>They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns<br/>And cut-up hot dogs for lunch<br/>It's not my fault my parents succeed so much<br/>There's no one in town I can relate to<br/>I play with autographed baseball bats<br/>While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones<br/>Has a boy ever felt so alone?<br/>Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not<br/>If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got<br/>If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around<br/>So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down<br/>Please, God, send more rich kids…<br/>To my… town.<br/>I don't fit in anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': Well, yeah, but at least I got rid of those damn ni- ''[episode ends]'' === ''[[w:Kenny Dies|Kenny Dies]]'' [5.13] === :'''Cartman''': ''[on the phone]'' Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, :'''Chuck:''' I wasn't born yesterday either! <hr width=50% /> :''[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom]'' :'''Stan''': Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again. :'''Kyle''': ''[he and Stan take their seats]'' Yeah, they're gonna get busted again. :'''Ms. Choksondik''': ''[enters carrying a few books]'' Alright, class, let's take our seats. ''[seats the book down on her desk and turns to the class]'' Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office. :'''Stan''': The principal? Aw, come on! :'''Kyle''': We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik! :'''Ms. Choksondik''': She needs to see you now. ''[points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]'' :'''Kyle''': Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat. :''[Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle are expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey]'' :'''Principal Victoria''': Hello, boys. :'''Stan''': Wait. What's going on here? ''[he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]'' :'''Kyle''': Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know. :'''Mr. Mackey''': ''[Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey]'' You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. ''[the boys each take a chair and sit down]'' Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. ''[the boys look stunned]'' And well, he's pretty sick. ''[Sharon leans on Randy]'' :'''Kyle''': Kenny's sick? :'''Stan''': Well, how sick? :'''Chef''': Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease. :'''Stan''': ''[after a pause]'' ...But... the doctors are gonna make him better, right? :'''Sharon''': Oh dear. ''[buries her face in Randy's shoulder]'' :'''Stan''': Mom, that's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better. :'''Sharon''': Randy... :'''Randy''': They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon. :'''Kyle''': Wait. Kenny's going to die? :'''Gerald''': He might, Kyle. :'''Stan''': ''[tearing up]'' ...But... he's out... fu... fufu- friend. :'''Mr. Mackey''': We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever. :'''Stan''': No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! ''[buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cartman''': I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a ''fetal'' mistake. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stan''': Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend? :'''Chef''': There, there, Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about [[wikipedia:Fall_of_man|something we did thousands of years ago]] - he just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand? :'''Stan''': Then why does God give us anything to start with? :'''Chef''': Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. :'''Stan''': I think I understand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny has just died]'' :'''Stan''': Did he say anything before he went? :'''Kyle''': He just said, "Where's Stan?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Garrison''': And so, we will all miss you, Kenny, your playful laughter, your innocent smile. === ''[[w:Butters' Very Own Episode|Butters' Very Own Episode]]'' [5.14] === :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who loves VMCS? That stands for Very Merry Christmas Songs. Who's the kid with the voices in his head? Everyone knows it's Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Who's the boy who does stupid things? Who thinks All Dogs Go To Heaven is the best? Who's that moron with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone hates Butters! :'''Butters''': That's me! :'''Singers''': Making toddlers cry, wasting his own time, petting a horse in the stables, named Stella Dallas. :'''Butters''': I love you. :'''Singers''': Who's the little twerp with the ugly little dimples? Being unpopular to everybody? If we just ground him forever, we all might be jolly. Ground a little boy named Butters! :'''Butters''': Aw, dang it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': ''[pulling a cat's tail, laughing]'' I can do this forever! ''[the cat managed to break free and scratches him]'' OW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': Butters, you are grounded! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truck Driver''': Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]]. :'''Butters''': Yeah. I could use some god damn [[w:vagina|poontang]] myself right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? :'''Old Man''': That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. ''[indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest]'' Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys''': One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Stotch''': And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are [[w:JonBenét Ramsey|the Ramseys]], [[w:Gary Condit|Congressman Condit]], and [[w:O.J. Simpson|O.J.]]. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" ''[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]'' "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that ''murderer"''! ''[a shot of O.J.]'' ''"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"'' ''[back to Chris]'' And to me, people might say things like, ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU GODDAMNED LIAR!" ''[back to Chris]'' And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, ''[a shot of the Ramseys]'' "YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE VICTIMS AND CONFESS, YOU MURDERING MURDERERS!" ''[a shot of O.J.]'' "CONFESS!" ''[a shot of Condit]'' "LIAR! CONFESS!!" ''[back to Chris]'' You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butters''': Let's sing Jingle Bells! Sing along with me! == External links == {{wikipedia|South Park season 5}} [[Category:South Park seasons|05]] fcrz8xu6ys65exwmenl4bcta70n72hx 0 37105 3944169 3944165 2026-05-22T12:00:36Z Omnis Scientia 3151923 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944165|3944165]] by [[Special:Contributions/GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 3944169 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sandy Koufax.jpg|thumb|right|Sure, nice guys can win — if they're nice guys with a lot of talent.]] '''[[w:Sandy Koufax|Sandy Koufax]]''' (born '''Sanford Braun''' on [[30 December]] [[1935]]) is an American left-handed former pitcher in Major League Baseball who played his entire career for the Brooklyn/Los Angeles Dodgers, from 1955 to 1966. __TOC__ ==Quotes== [[File:Sandy Koufax 1961.png|thumb|right|If you do a good job, the numbers say so. You don't have to ask anyone or play politics. You don't have to wait for the reviews.]] * What do I strive for? Well, I go out there with the idea of shooting for a no-hit game. When the first hit is made off me, I then try to keep them or any runs scored down to a minimum. The main idea is to win. As to strikeouts, yes. I am proud of my records. I'm not out there trying to blow down every hitter. There are too many smart ones in the league. I want to get them out first, strike them out if I can. ** As quoted in [http://www.mediafire.com/view/g4jn0gn075ca5w9/.jpg "Sidelight on Sports: For Lack of an Offer"] by Al Abrams, in ''The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette'' (June 6, 1962) * The biggest thrill is the game where you give up one or two or three runs when you don't have anything, when you have no right even being out there, no reason to be out there. Those games are the difference between having a .500 year and a really great year. You figure, if you go out there 30 times, 15 times you're going to have great stuff and 15 times you're going to have mediocre stuff. If you can win a fair percentage of the games when you're mediocre, you're going to have a good year. ** As quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] ''Sports Illustrated'' (December 20, 1965) * Well, I already have a fork ball, but it's not really another pitch. I use it instead of a change of pace. If I have a good fast ball and a good curve ball I hesitate to use anything else. But if they're not getting me by, I try to use anything I can, including the fork ball. [...] I don't know if I can throw any other pitches. I used to try the slider once in a while, and some other pitches, but since I had [[w:arthritis|this little problem with my elbow]] it seems like only my old standby pitches don't bother me. All the new stuff, like the slider or the others I used to try, it seems like they all hurt my arm. ** As quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] * You know what happens? Somebody writes a story 10 years ago and it never changes. If the guy 10 years ago was wrong, the stories are gonna be wrong for 20 years afterward. [...] They used to annoy me a lot more, but now I've begun to feel they're going to be written, there's nothing I can do about it and I'm not going to worry about it. Sometimes things don't come out the way you say them. You run into one of those reporters who's more interested in the dictionary and the very good usage of the English language, and he thinks that when {{w|John Roseboro}} says cool it means [[wikt:aloof|cold]]. But you can't let it annoy you. ** As quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] * At times it's a satisfaction and at times it's a little bit of an intrusion. You don't mind the kids. But sometimes their parents get to be...well, not bad about it, but they become demanding. The kids will ask, but the parents will demand sometimes. As long as somebody asks, I don't mind at all. But the ones who demand are tough on me. I've got so many bosses already I don't know if I can stand one or two more. ** On autograph seekers, as quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] * People who write about spring training not being necessary have never tried to throw a baseball. ** As quoted in "Sandy Began Slowly and Then Got Worse; At Tired Arm Stage" by Charles Maher, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (April 14, 1966) * I'll never know. I've never been in a fight. But I doubt whether pitching speed would have any significance. You can't go into a windup in the ring. ** As quoted in "Stuart's Problem; Suppose Sandy Had Become a Boxer" by Sid Ziff, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (July 7, 1966) * I know I was faster 10 years ago. I think [[w:Jim Maloney|Jim Maloney]], [[w:Bob Veale|Bob Veale]], [[w:Bob Gibson|Bob Gibson]] and perhaps one or two others throw faster. In my best days I don't think I threw faster than [[w:Ryne Duren|Ryne Duren]]. He was the fastest I ever saw. ** As quoted in "Stuart's Problem; Suppose Sandy Had Become a Boxer" * There were now men on first and second. The batter was [[Henry Aaron]]. I walked him on four straight balls, which was probably the smartest thing I did all year. There have been many times since when I wished I had been wild enough to walk Henry Aaron. I'm usually backing up third as I am wishing it. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22It+was+probably+the+worst+thing+that+could+have+happened+to+me%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966) by Koufax with Ed Linn, pp. 96-97 * It was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me, getting my first out by striking out a big hitter. Because that became my pattern for five years, trying to get out of trouble by throwing harder and harder and harder. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22It+was+probably+the+worst+thing+that+could+have+happened+to+me%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 97 * But in the end it all comes down to talent. You can talk all you want about intangibles, I just don't know what that means. Talent makes winners, not intangibles. Can nice guys win? '''Sure, nice guys can win — if they're nice guys with a lot of talent. Nice guys with a little talent finish fourth, and nice guys with no talent finish last.''' ** In [https://books.google.com/books?id=gUfhAAAAMAAJ&q=%22nice+guys+with+no+talent+finish+last%22&dq=%22nice+guys+with+no+talent+finish+last%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjlju3KtZzhAhWkmOAKHVspAmoQ6AEILzAB ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 133; as quoted in "Koufax writes: 'Sure nice guys can win'" by Ed Rumill, ''The Christian Science Monitor'' (August 29, 1966) and ''Total Baseball : The Official Encyclopedia of Major League Baseball'' (2001) by John Thorn, p. 2468 * In 1960 I had made the transition from thrower to pitcher and had not understood that in making the transition I had made a beginning, not an end. you become a pitcher before you become a ''good'' pitcher. [...] Nor do I wish to testify under oath that I have not forgotten, do not—and will not—forget from time to time and revert to the wayward ways of my youth. It's usually when I'm tired or mad, but dumbness is not to be completely discounted either. In the 1965 All-Star Game I was terribly wild. I came into the game in the sixth inning and immediately threw seven straight balls. Although I got out of the inning, it was a struggle with every batter. [...] There was not a thing wrong with my arm. My arm was fine. My head was something else again. Knowing that I was only going to pitch an inning or two, I had thought, "Well, hell, I'll just go in and throw as hard as I can." And there I was, right back where I'd been ten years ago, wild high. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&ei=gcKYXLjbLuHc5gKJk4CwBQ&q=%22Knowing+that+I+was+only+going+to+pitch+an+inning+or+two+i+had+thought%22+intitle%3AKoufax&oq=%22Knowing+that+I+was+only+going+to+pitch+an+inning+or+two+i+had+thought%22+intitle%3AKoufax&gs_l=psy-ab.12...51144.54771.0.56735.14.14.0.0.0.0.79.1027.14.14.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..0.0.0....0.CikSPCk1U9s ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 157 * [[Roberto Clemente]] hit an outside fastball that was still rising when it hit against the light tower in left center field, 450 feet away from home plate. And on a 1-2 pitch at that. But there is no such thing as a good pitch to Clemente. Ask me how to pitch to Clemente, and I will tell you with complete confidence, "How do I know?" Roberto can hit any pitch, anywhere, at any time. He'll hit pitchouts, he'll hit brush-back pitches. He'll hit high, inside pitches deep to the opposite field, which would be ridiculous even if he didn't do it with both feet off the ground. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22clemente+hit+an+outside+fastball+that+was+still+rising%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 220 * It is a curious thing that while a home-run hitter is expected to fatten up in the routs, and the pitchers are certainly not supposed to let up, the opposing team becomes furious when a base is stolen after a game is apparently out of reach. Particularly the manager. The theory seems to be that the stolen base is somehow extraneous to the game, that it is an extra effort, a thumbing of the nose. Not on ''our'' team it isn't. Stealing bases ''is'' [[w:Maury Wills|Maury]]'s game, and—to a sometimes alarming extent—it was the Dodgers' offense. Maury's game is to get the other team upset, to get them into a frame of mind where they are so eager ''not'' to let him show them up that the catcher throws the ball too hastily and the fielder rushes his tag. Result: the hasty throw is off the mark and the infielder neglects to wait for the ball. Maury's game is called Panic! ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22clemente+hit+an+outside+fastball+that+was+still+rising%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 246 * Maury had been made captain in the first week of spring training, a title which usually entitles its bearer to carry the lineup card to the umpires and draw an extra $500 on his salary. Maury took it seriously, and his leadership had a strong, cohesive effect. [...] Maury has become a dominant figure in our locker room. He has come to believe that there is nothing he cannot do if he sets his mind to it. There is something almost mystical in his belief in himself, especially when you remember that he came to us after nine full years in the minors with all the uncertainties of the fringe player hoping to hold on. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22clemente+hit+an+outside+fastball+that+was+still+rising%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 246 * '''I don't regret one minute of the twelve years I've spent in baseball, but I could regret one season too many.''' [...] I've got a lot of years to live after baseball and I would like to live them with complete use of my body. ** 1966 press conference announcing retirement, as quoted by UPI, in [https://newspaperarchive.com/pittsfield-berkshire-eagle-nov-19-1966-p-30/ "Sandy Koufax Announces Retirement from Baseball at News Meeting"] by Alex Kahn (UPI), in ''The Pittsfield Berkshire Eagle'' (November 19, 1966) * I don’t know if cortisone is good for you or not. But to take a shot every other ball game is more than I wanted to do and to walk around with a constant upset stomach because of the pills and to be high half the time during a ball game because you’re taking painkillers … I don’t want to have to do that [...] '''I don't regret one minute of the last 12 years but I think I would regret the one year that was too many.''' ** Excerpts from 1966 press conference, in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ouIk6RvUl8 ''Baseball: 8th Inning – A Whole New Ballgame''] (1994) by [[w:Ken Burns|Ken Burns]], [[w:Geoffrey C. Ward|Geoffrey C. Ward]] * [[Willie Mays|Mays]] always told me how hard it was to get a hit off me and every time I looked up, he was on second base. Yet, even with Mays, I had an idea what to do. When I pitched to [[Roberto Clemente|Clemente]] and [[Hank Aaron|Aaron]], I had no idea. They seemed to hit everything. ** As quoted in "Koufax Still a Champion" by Les Biederman, in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (May 8, 1967) * If I could straighten it out, I'd be pitching at Dodger Stadium tonight instead of playing golf. ** After being admonished to "get that left arm all the way round [and] straighten it out" by [[w:Omni_La_Costa_Resort_and_Spa|La Costa Resort]]'s golf pro; as quoted in "How Red the Rose" by John Hall, in "The Los Angeles Times" (May 15, 1968) * '''The only time I really try for a strikeout is when I'm in a jam.''' If the bases are loaded with none out, for example, then I'll go for a strikeout. But most of the time I try to throw to spots. I try to get them to pop up or ground out. On a strikeout I might have to throw five or six pitches, sometimes more if there are foul-offs. That tires me. So I just try to get outs. That's what counts — outs. You win with outs, not strikeouts. ** As quoted by Jack Orr (former ''{{w|Philadelphia Daily News}}'' sportswriter who had since become managing editor at ''[[w:Billboard (magazine)|Billboard]]''), in ''My Greatest Day in Baseball'' (1968) by John P. Carmichael, and ''Baseball's Greatest Quotations : An Illustrated Treasury'' (2008) by Paul Dickson, p. 302 * Last year wasn't [[w:Tom Seaver|Seaver]]'s kind of year, but he's still an impressive pitcher, still strong. Like [[w:Denny McLain|McLain]], [[w:Juan Marichal|Marichal]] and [[w:Bob Gibson|Gibson]], he has the good stuff and control. I mean he can make an excellent fastball or curve and throw it in good spots. '''A guy who throws what he intends to throw—that's the definition of a good pitcher.''' ** As quoted in "Gibson, Marichal Top Koufax's Dream Team; [http://www.mediafire.com/view/bd0ze7jbk2ptnwa/Article_3_--_No_Title_Incompl.jpg Koufax Picks 11"] by Bob Oates, ''Los Angeles Times'' (March 31, 1971), Pt. III, pp. [http://www.mediafire.com/view/cd9joqgvce7cegu/Gibson%2C_Marichal_Top_Koufax's_.jpghttp://www.mediafire.com/view/cd9joqgvce7cegu/Gibson%2C_Marichal_Top_Koufax's_.jpg 1], 6 * '''Pitching is the art of instilling fear''', making the man flinch by making him look for the wrong pitch. You're trying to control his instincts. But if your control is suspect like [[w:Nolan Ryan|Ryan]]'s is, and the thought of being hit is in the batter's mind, you'll go a long way. ** As quoted in "Baseball's Exorcist Striking Out to New Horizons; Batter's Fear Helps Ryan Blaze Lay [sic] to Major League Record" by Jackie Lapin, in ''The Washington Post'' (September 1, 1974) * I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it. ** As quote in "Quote... : Father knows best; Soviet hindsight; Life in the NBA: Koufax strategy," ''The Christian Science Monitor'' (June 24, 1976), p.&nbsp;11 * '''The game has a cleanness. If you do a good job, the numbers say so. You don't have to ask anyone or play politics. You don't have to wait for the reviews.''' ** As quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/politics/1979/03/21/koufax/3139f66f-996a-485f-8cce-8f7671152136/?utm_term=.174cfc71ede2 "Koufax: Hall of Famer Back in Baseball After Years of 'Wandering'"] by Thomas Boswell, in ''The Washington Post'' (March 21, 1979) * Show me a guy who can't pitch inside and I'll show you a loser. ** As quoted in [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1981/05/04/one-hard-way-to-make-a-living "One Hard Way to Make a Living"] by Roger Angell, in ''The New Yorker'' (May 4, 1981), p. 96; reprinted in ''Late Innings'' (1982) by Roger Angell, p. 358 * You've got to be lucky to pitch a no-hitter, and if you have good stuff, it's easier to be lucky. ** Speaking on July 1, 1990, at [[w:Dodger Stadium|Chavez Ravine]], in reference to a no-hitter thrown there just two days before by the [[w:Los Angeles Dodgers|Dodgers']] {{w|Fernando Valuenzela}} (and, coincidentally, just hours before the [[w:New York Yankees|Yankees']] {{w|Andy Hawkins}} would, thanks to three 8th-inning Bomber miscues, [[w:No-hitter#Nine-inning_no-hitters_in_a_losing_effort|famously record a 4-0, complete-game loss]] to [[w:Chicago White Sox|Chicago]], despite giving up no hits ); as quoted in [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1990-07-02-sp-474-story.html "Notes on a Scorecard"] by Allan Malamud, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (July 2, 1990) * I was known for my [[w:fastball|fastball]] and [[w:curveball|curve]] and did well with just those two pitches, but people don't know that I tried to add a third pitch, any third pitch. For a long time, I tried to learn the [[w:changeup|changeup]]. The Dodgers taught the changeup in a certain way - it was the Dodgers' changeup - and I tried to learn it for ten years but never got the hang of it. I never liked my changeup, and I never wanted to throw it. One day, I was playing catch and started to fool around with the [[w:forkball|forkball]], and it felt more comfortable to me. I said, "Well, I'm gonna try this instead of the changeup." So I started to throw it, but I only used it occasionally in games, because I didn't throw it hard enough.{{paragraph break}}I also threw the [[w:slider|slider]] a couple of times. I threw the slider to Henry Aaron and Roberto Clemente, because I figured if it worked on those two great hitters, then I had something there. So I threw it to Aaron and almost hit him in the face. He reached out to get it, and it came right at him. And I threw it to Clemente. You may remember that in [[w:Forbes Field|Forbes Field]] in Pittsburgh, there was a light tower by where they used to park the batting cage. Halfway up. there was a bunch of transformers. Well, Clemente hit it off a transformer. I said, "Well, maybe I don't have a slider," and I gave it up. So, I never came up with a third pitch. ** Interview on ''[[w:The Tim McCarver Show|The Tim McCarver Show]]'', talking about on his efforts to find a third pitch; as quoted in ''Tim McCarver's Diamond Gems'' (2006), [https://archive.org/details/timmccarversdiam0000unse/page/224/mode/2up pp.&nbsp;224-225] == Quotes about Koufax == * Sandy Koufax. Sandy was a special problem for me because he possessed exceptional control, speed and a great curve ball. He was highly disciplined, extremely committed and a very private person. These qualities enabled him to concentrate on his profession without a lot of unnecessary distractions. **[[Ernie Banks]], responding to the question, "Who was the toughest pitcher you faced during your career, and why was he a special problem for you?"; as quoted in "Hall of Famers Name Their Toughest Diamond Foes" by William Guilfoile, in ''The 1991 National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum Yearbook''; reprinted in ''Baseball Digest'' (August 1992), p. 28 * He's the greatest pitcher I ever saw. I can still see that big curveball. It had a great arc on it, and he never bounced it in the dirt. Sandy's curve had a lot more spin than anybody else's -- it spun like a fastball coming out of his hand -- and he had the fastball of a pure strikeout pitcher. It jumped up at the end. The batter would swing half a foot under it. Most of the time we knew what was coming, because he held his hands closer to his head when he threw a curveball, but it didn't matter. Even though he was tipping off his pitches, you still couldn't hit him. **[[Ernie Banks]], as quoted in [https://www.si.com/mlb/2014/08/29/sandy-koufax-dodgers-left-arm-god-si-60 "The Left Arm of God: Sandy Koufax was more than just a perfect pitcher"] by Tom Verducci, in ''Sports Illustrated'' (July 12, 1999) * You can learn a lot about the problems of [[journalism]] by studying the printed record of the life of Sandy Koufax. As far as I am concerned, nobody since {{w|Rudolph Valentino}} ever had as many myths, legends and pure balderdash written about him as Sandy. The reason is simple: Sandy is a warm, friendly, honest, intelligent human being, one of the finest human beings I have ever known, but the truth is he was never very colorful. In an age when self-promotion has been raised to a fine art, Sandy mastered the fine art of quiet effectiveness. He spoke clearly and briefly, and he did not go into lurid details about how he struck out this batter with a clever fast ball on the inside corner when the batter had been expecting a slider, or how he crossed up the offense by swinging away in the eighth inning when they were expecting him to bunt, or how he expected to win even more games next year, or how he intended to murder them in the World Series with his high hard ones. A {{w|Billy Loes}} he was not. And as far as his private life was concerned, Sandy kept that completely personal and confidential. ** {{w|Buzzie Bavasi}}, [https://www.si.com/vault/1967/05/15/610695/the-great-holdout "The Great Holdout,"] ''Sports Illustrated'' (May 15, 1967) * I'll always remember that first pitch. It was a fastball that looked like it would hit the dirt in front of the plate. Then, all of a sudden, it rose for a knee-high strike. '''As soon as I saw that fastball, the hair raised up on my arms. The only other time the hair on my arms ever raised up was in Rome when I saw [[Michelangelo]]'s paintings on the ceiling of the [[w:Sistine Chapel|Sistine Chapel]]'''. ** [[w:Al Campanis|Al Campanis]], speaking with reporters in January 1979, regarding Koufax's first tryout with the Dodgers, in which Campanis served as a simulated batter, with coach [[w:Rube Walker|Rube Walker]] catching; as quoted in [http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-08-17/sports/8603010884_1_cary-grant-sandy-koufax-no-hitter/2 "There Are Players, And Stars--and Koufax"] by [[w:Ray Didinger|Ray Didinger]] ([[w:Knight Ridder|Knight-Ridder]]), in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (August 17, 1986); and paraphrased and quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1979/01/28/archives/sandy-koufax-and-the-sistine-chapel-sports-of-the-times.html "Sandy Koufax and the Sistine Chapel"] by [[w:Dave Anderson|Dave Anderson]] in ''The New York Times'' (January 28, 1979) * It's no disgrace to get beat by class. ** [[w:Bob Hendley|Bob Hendley]], the losing Chicago Cubs pitcher in [[w:Sandy Koufax's perfect game|Koufax's perfect game]], after Koufax sent him a gift to commemorate the 35th anniversary of the game — a 1965 NL baseball signed, "What a game!" plus a small handwritten note: "We had a moment, a night, a career. I hope life has been good to you. Sandy." Hendley himself pitched a one-hitter in the game, allowing one unearned run. ''American Jews and America's Game: Voices of a Growing Legacy in Baseball'', p. 17 * We need just two players to be a contender. Just Babe Ruth and Sandy Koufax. ** [[w:Whitey Herzog|Whitey Herzog]], critiquing the 1973 [[w:Texas Rangers|Texas Rangers]] prior to being replaced, in season, as Rangers manager by [[Billy Martin]]; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=42gNAQAAMAAJ&q=herzog+%22babe+ruth+and+sandy+koufax%22&dq=herzog+%22babe+ruth+and+sandy+koufax%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjqtNTYs__QAhWDKyYKHW7iBCkQ6AEILTAD ''Total Baseball''] (2001) by John Thorn, p. 2468 * It sounded like somebody firing a pistol in a canyon . . . pow, pow, pow. That was the sound of the fastball popping [[w:Rube Walker|Rube]]'s mitt in that empty ballpark. We all came in to watch this kid. ** [[w:Tommy Lasorda|Tommy Lasorda]], on Koufax's first tryout with the Dodgers, as witnessed by Lasorda and several other Dodger pitchers, who were jogging in the outfield at the time; as quoted in [http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-08-17/sports/8603010884_1_cary-grant-sandy-koufax-no-hitter/2 "There Are Players, And Stars--and Koufax"] by [[w:Ray Didinger|Ray Didinger]] ([[w:Knight Ridder|Knight-Ridder]]), in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (August 17, 1986) * If there was one game I had to win and I could pick any pitcher in any era, I'd pick Sandy. I'd sit in the bullpen and watch him paint that outside corner with a 95 mile-per-hour fastball and throw curves that looked like they were dropping out of the third deck. I'd think, "I'm gonna relieve this guy? With my stuff?" ** [[w:Ron Perranoski|Ron Perranoski]], as quoted in [http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-08-17/sports/8603010884_1_cary-grant-sandy-koufax-no-hitter/2 "There Are Players, And Stars--and Koufax"] by [[w:Ray Didinger|Ray Didinger]] ([[w:Knight Ridder|Knight-Ridder]]), in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (August 17, 1986) * Getting a hit off Koufax is like trying to eat soup with a fork. ** [[w:Willie Stargell|Willie Stargell]] as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=g0cqAAAAIBAJ&sjid=Ok8EAAAAIBAJ&pg=7601%2C3449012 "Hit Koufax? Try Eating Soup With a Fork; Stargell Sums Up Defeat"] by Les Biederman, in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (June 26, 1965) * Too bad about Koufax's arm. He can't shave. Or brush his hair. All he can do is pitch. ** [[w:Harry Walker|Harry Walker]], manager of the [[w:Pittsburgh Pirates|Pittsburgh Pirates]], commenting on the [[w:Los Angeles Dodgers|Dodgers']] 2-1 victory over [[w:St. Louis Cardinals|St. Louis]], which had reduced LA's [[w:Magic number (sports)|magic number]] over the Pirates to two; as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=ir0bAAAAIBAJ&sjid=VU8EAAAAIBAJ&pg=5573%2C6670575 "The Press Box—Sad Music for Walker: St. Louis Blues"] by Roy McHugh, in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (September 30, 1966) * The Dodgers had us back for Jackie Robinson Day, and before the game started, we're up in the press box, and Rachel Robinson is there, and Jackie's son and daughter. The Dodgers were playing the Reds, and Sandy Koufax walks up and says '''"Jerry, this is amazing. There's not one player on the Dodgers that is African-American."''' He said that it was sad that we're up there celebrating Jackie Robinson, but not much has changed. ** [[w:Jerry Royster|Jerry Royster]] on Koufax commenting about the decrease of African-American players in Major League Baseball back in 2019. Quoted in [https://www.milb.com/news/nine-questions-with-former-las-vegas-manager-and-mlb-veteran-jerry-royster-by-ro "Nine Questions with Former Las Vegas Manager Jerry Royster"] by Ron Kantowski in [https://www.milb.com MiLB.com] (February 23, 2023). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Koufax, Sandy}} [[Category:1935 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Baseball players from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from New York City]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:National Baseball Hall of Fame inductees]] jo49q8o8edm4qs6kphz2ymwibjp054e 3944170 3944169 2026-05-22T12:02:39Z Omnis Scientia 3151923 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944164|3944164]] by [[Special:Contributions/GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) -- I find it odd that you undid an edit from over two years ago; since nobody else had an issue in the past two years about this removal - and, btw, there is no rule saying you can and can't remove and replace quotes (which I did) - I feel okay with my decision from two years ago 3944170 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sandy Koufax.jpg|thumb|right|Sure, nice guys can win — if they're nice guys with a lot of talent.]] '''[[w:Sandy Koufax|Sandy Koufax]]''' (born '''Sanford Braun''' on [[30 December]] [[1935]]) is an American left-handed former pitcher in Major League Baseball who played his entire career for the Brooklyn/Los Angeles Dodgers, from 1955 to 1966. __TOC__ ==Quotes== [[File:Sandy Koufax 1961.png|thumb|right|If you do a good job, the numbers say so. You don't have to ask anyone or play politics. You don't have to wait for the reviews.]] * What do I strive for? Well, I go out there with the idea of shooting for a no-hit game. When the first hit is made off me, I then try to keep them or any runs scored down to a minimum. The main idea is to win. As to strikeouts, yes. I am proud of my records. I'm not out there trying to blow down every hitter. There are too many smart ones in the league. I want to get them out first, strike them out if I can. ** As quoted in [http://www.mediafire.com/view/g4jn0gn075ca5w9/.jpg "Sidelight on Sports: For Lack of an Offer"] by Al Abrams, in ''The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette'' (June 6, 1962) * The biggest thrill is the game where you give up one or two or three runs when you don't have anything, when you have no right even being out there, no reason to be out there. Those games are the difference between having a .500 year and a really great year. You figure, if you go out there 30 times, 15 times you're going to have great stuff and 15 times you're going to have mediocre stuff. If you can win a fair percentage of the games when you're mediocre, you're going to have a good year. ** As quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] ''Sports Illustrated'' (December 20, 1965) * Well, I already have a fork ball, but it's not really another pitch. I use it instead of a change of pace. If I have a good fast ball and a good curve ball I hesitate to use anything else. But if they're not getting me by, I try to use anything I can, including the fork ball. [...] I don't know if I can throw any other pitches. I used to try the slider once in a while, and some other pitches, but since I had [[w:arthritis|this little problem with my elbow]] it seems like only my old standby pitches don't bother me. All the new stuff, like the slider or the others I used to try, it seems like they all hurt my arm. ** As quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] * You know what happens? Somebody writes a story 10 years ago and it never changes. If the guy 10 years ago was wrong, the stories are gonna be wrong for 20 years afterward. [...] They used to annoy me a lot more, but now I've begun to feel they're going to be written, there's nothing I can do about it and I'm not going to worry about it. Sometimes things don't come out the way you say them. You run into one of those reporters who's more interested in the dictionary and the very good usage of the English language, and he thinks that when {{w|John Roseboro}} says cool it means [[wikt:aloof|cold]]. But you can't let it annoy you. ** As quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] * At times it's a satisfaction and at times it's a little bit of an intrusion. You don't mind the kids. But sometimes their parents get to be...well, not bad about it, but they become demanding. The kids will ask, but the parents will demand sometimes. As long as somebody asks, I don't mind at all. But the ones who demand are tough on me. I've got so many bosses already I don't know if I can stand one or two more. ** On autograph seekers, as quoted in [https://www.si.com/vault/1965/12/20/607766/koufax-on-koufax "Koufax on Koufax"] * People who write about spring training not being necessary have never tried to throw a baseball. ** As quoted in "Sandy Began Slowly and Then Got Worse; At Tired Arm Stage" by Charles Maher, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (April 14, 1966) * I'll never know. I've never been in a fight. But I doubt whether pitching speed would have any significance. You can't go into a windup in the ring. ** As quoted in "Stuart's Problem; Suppose Sandy Had Become a Boxer" by Sid Ziff, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (July 7, 1966) * I know I was faster 10 years ago. I think [[w:Jim Maloney|Jim Maloney]], [[w:Bob Veale|Bob Veale]], [[w:Bob Gibson|Bob Gibson]] and perhaps one or two others throw faster. In my best days I don't think I threw faster than [[w:Ryne Duren|Ryne Duren]]. He was the fastest I ever saw. ** As quoted in "Stuart's Problem; Suppose Sandy Had Become a Boxer" * There were now men on first and second. The batter was [[Henry Aaron]]. I walked him on four straight balls, which was probably the smartest thing I did all year. There have been many times since when I wished I had been wild enough to walk Henry Aaron. I'm usually backing up third as I am wishing it. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22It+was+probably+the+worst+thing+that+could+have+happened+to+me%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966) by Koufax with Ed Linn, pp. 96-97 * It was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me, getting my first out by striking out a big hitter. Because that became my pattern for five years, trying to get out of trouble by throwing harder and harder and harder. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22It+was+probably+the+worst+thing+that+could+have+happened+to+me%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 97 * But in the end it all comes down to talent. You can talk all you want about intangibles, I just don't know what that means. Talent makes winners, not intangibles. Can nice guys win? '''Sure, nice guys can win — if they're nice guys with a lot of talent. Nice guys with a little talent finish fourth, and nice guys with no talent finish last.''' ** In [https://books.google.com/books?id=gUfhAAAAMAAJ&q=%22nice+guys+with+no+talent+finish+last%22&dq=%22nice+guys+with+no+talent+finish+last%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjlju3KtZzhAhWkmOAKHVspAmoQ6AEILzAB ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 133; as quoted in "Koufax writes: 'Sure nice guys can win'" by Ed Rumill, ''The Christian Science Monitor'' (August 29, 1966) and ''Total Baseball : The Official Encyclopedia of Major League Baseball'' (2001) by John Thorn, p. 2468 * In 1960 I had made the transition from thrower to pitcher and had not understood that in making the transition I had made a beginning, not an end. you become a pitcher before you become a ''good'' pitcher. [...] Nor do I wish to testify under oath that I have not forgotten, do not—and will not—forget from time to time and revert to the wayward ways of my youth. It's usually when I'm tired or mad, but dumbness is not to be completely discounted either. In the 1965 All-Star Game I was terribly wild. I came into the game in the sixth inning and immediately threw seven straight balls. Although I got out of the inning, it was a struggle with every batter. [...] There was not a thing wrong with my arm. My arm was fine. My head was something else again. Knowing that I was only going to pitch an inning or two, I had thought, "Well, hell, I'll just go in and throw as hard as I can." And there I was, right back where I'd been ten years ago, wild high. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&ei=gcKYXLjbLuHc5gKJk4CwBQ&q=%22Knowing+that+I+was+only+going+to+pitch+an+inning+or+two+i+had+thought%22+intitle%3AKoufax&oq=%22Knowing+that+I+was+only+going+to+pitch+an+inning+or+two+i+had+thought%22+intitle%3AKoufax&gs_l=psy-ab.12...51144.54771.0.56735.14.14.0.0.0.0.79.1027.14.14.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..0.0.0....0.CikSPCk1U9s ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 157 * [[Roberto Clemente]] hit an outside fastball that was still rising when it hit against the light tower in left center field, 450 feet away from home plate. And on a 1-2 pitch at that. But there is no such thing as a good pitch to Clemente. Ask me how to pitch to Clemente, and I will tell you with complete confidence, "How do I know?" Roberto can hit any pitch, anywhere, at any time. He'll hit pitchouts, he'll hit brush-back pitches. He'll hit high, inside pitches deep to the opposite field, which would be ridiculous even if he didn't do it with both feet off the ground. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22clemente+hit+an+outside+fastball+that+was+still+rising%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 220 * It is a curious thing that while a home-run hitter is expected to fatten up in the routs, and the pitchers are certainly not supposed to let up, the opposing team becomes furious when a base is stolen after a game is apparently out of reach. Particularly the manager. The theory seems to be that the stolen base is somehow extraneous to the game, that it is an extra effort, a thumbing of the nose. Not on ''our'' team it isn't. Stealing bases ''is'' [[w:Maury Wills|Maury]]'s game, and—to a sometimes alarming extent—it was the Dodgers' offense. Maury's game is to get the other team upset, to get them into a frame of mind where they are so eager ''not'' to let him show them up that the catcher throws the ball too hastily and the fielder rushes his tag. Result: the hasty throw is off the mark and the infielder neglects to wait for the ball. Maury's game is called Panic! ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22clemente+hit+an+outside+fastball+that+was+still+rising%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 246 * Maury had been made captain in the first week of spring training, a title which usually entitles its bearer to carry the lineup card to the umpires and draw an extra $500 on his salary. Maury took it seriously, and his leadership had a strong, cohesive effect. [...] Maury has become a dominant figure in our locker room. He has come to believe that there is nothing he cannot do if he sets his mind to it. There is something almost mystical in his belief in himself, especially when you remember that he came to us after nine full years in the minors with all the uncertainties of the fringe player hoping to hold on. ** In [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22clemente+hit+an+outside+fastball+that+was+still+rising%22+intitle:Koufax&num=10 ''Koufax''] (1966), p. 246 * '''I don't regret one minute of the twelve years I've spent in baseball, but I could regret one season too many.''' [...] I've got a lot of years to live after baseball and I would like to live them with complete use of my body. ** 1966 press conference announcing retirement, as quoted by UPI, in [https://newspaperarchive.com/pittsfield-berkshire-eagle-nov-19-1966-p-30/ "Sandy Koufax Announces Retirement from Baseball at News Meeting"] by Alex Kahn (UPI), in ''The Pittsfield Berkshire Eagle'' (November 19, 1966) * I don’t know if cortisone is good for you or not. But to take a shot every other ball game is more than I wanted to do and to walk around with a constant upset stomach because of the pills and to be high half the time during a ball game because you’re taking painkillers … I don’t want to have to do that [...] '''I don't regret one minute of the last 12 years but I think I would regret the one year that was too many.''' ** Excerpts from 1966 press conference, in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ouIk6RvUl8 ''Baseball: 8th Inning – A Whole New Ballgame''] (1994) by [[w:Ken Burns|Ken Burns]], [[w:Geoffrey C. Ward|Geoffrey C. Ward]] * [[Willie Mays|Mays]] always told me how hard it was to get a hit off me and every time I looked up, he was on second base. Yet, even with Mays, I had an idea what to do. When I pitched to [[Roberto Clemente|Clemente]] and [[Hank Aaron|Aaron]], I had no idea. They seemed to hit everything. ** As quoted in "Koufax Still a Champion" by Les Biederman, in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (May 8, 1967) * If I could straighten it out, I'd be pitching at Dodger Stadium tonight instead of playing golf. ** After being admonished to "get that left arm all the way round [and] straighten it out" by [[w:Omni_La_Costa_Resort_and_Spa|La Costa Resort]]'s golf pro; as quoted in "How Red the Rose" by John Hall, in "The Los Angeles Times" (May 15, 1968) * '''The only time I really try for a strikeout is when I'm in a jam.''' If the bases are loaded with none out, for example, then I'll go for a strikeout. But most of the time I try to throw to spots. I try to get them to pop up or ground out. On a strikeout I might have to throw five or six pitches, sometimes more if there are foul-offs. That tires me. So I just try to get outs. That's what counts — outs. You win with outs, not strikeouts. ** As quoted by Jack Orr (former ''{{w|Philadelphia Daily News}}'' sportswriter who had since become managing editor at ''[[w:Billboard (magazine)|Billboard]]''), in ''My Greatest Day in Baseball'' (1968) by John P. Carmichael, and ''Baseball's Greatest Quotations : An Illustrated Treasury'' (2008) by Paul Dickson, p. 302 * Last year wasn't [[w:Tom Seaver|Seaver]]'s kind of year, but he's still an impressive pitcher, still strong. Like [[w:Denny McLain|McLain]], [[w:Juan Marichal|Marichal]] and [[w:Bob Gibson|Gibson]], he has the good stuff and control. I mean he can make an excellent fastball or curve and throw it in good spots. '''A guy who throws what he intends to throw—that's the definition of a good pitcher.''' ** As quoted in "Gibson, Marichal Top Koufax's Dream Team; [http://www.mediafire.com/view/bd0ze7jbk2ptnwa/Article_3_--_No_Title_Incompl.jpg Koufax Picks 11"] by Bob Oates, ''Los Angeles Times'' (March 31, 1971), Pt. III, pp. [http://www.mediafire.com/view/cd9joqgvce7cegu/Gibson%2C_Marichal_Top_Koufax's_.jpghttp://www.mediafire.com/view/cd9joqgvce7cegu/Gibson%2C_Marichal_Top_Koufax's_.jpg 1], 6 * '''Pitching is the art of instilling fear''', making the man flinch by making him look for the wrong pitch. You're trying to control his instincts. But if your control is suspect like [[w:Nolan Ryan|Ryan]]'s is, and the thought of being hit is in the batter's mind, you'll go a long way. ** As quoted in "Baseball's Exorcist Striking Out to New Horizons; Batter's Fear Helps Ryan Blaze Lay [sic] to Major League Record" by Jackie Lapin, in ''The Washington Post'' (September 1, 1974) * I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it. ** As quote in "Quote... : Father knows best; Soviet hindsight; Life in the NBA: Koufax strategy," ''The Christian Science Monitor'' (June 24, 1976), p.&nbsp;11 * '''The game has a cleanness. If you do a good job, the numbers say so. You don't have to ask anyone or play politics. You don't have to wait for the reviews.''' ** As quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/politics/1979/03/21/koufax/3139f66f-996a-485f-8cce-8f7671152136/?utm_term=.174cfc71ede2 "Koufax: Hall of Famer Back in Baseball After Years of 'Wandering'"] by Thomas Boswell, in ''The Washington Post'' (March 21, 1979) * Show me a guy who can't pitch inside and I'll show you a loser. ** As quoted in [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1981/05/04/one-hard-way-to-make-a-living "One Hard Way to Make a Living"] by Roger Angell, in ''The New Yorker'' (May 4, 1981), p. 96; reprinted in ''Late Innings'' (1982) by Roger Angell, p. 358 * You've got to be lucky to pitch a no-hitter, and if you have good stuff, it's easier to be lucky. ** Speaking on July 1, 1990, at [[w:Dodger Stadium|Chavez Ravine]], in reference to a no-hitter thrown there just two days before by the [[w:Los Angeles Dodgers|Dodgers']] {{w|Fernando Valuenzela}} (and, coincidentally, just hours before the [[w:New York Yankees|Yankees']] {{w|Andy Hawkins}} would, thanks to three 8th-inning Bomber miscues, [[w:No-hitter#Nine-inning_no-hitters_in_a_losing_effort|famously record a 4-0, complete-game loss]] to [[w:Chicago White Sox|Chicago]], despite giving up no hits ); as quoted in [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1990-07-02-sp-474-story.html "Notes on a Scorecard"] by Allan Malamud, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (July 2, 1990) * I was known for my [[w:fastball|fastball]] and [[w:curveball|curve]] and did well with just those two pitches, but people don't know that I tried to add a third pitch, any third pitch. For a long time, I tried to learn the [[w:changeup|changeup]]. The Dodgers taught the changeup in a certain way - it was the Dodgers' changeup - and I tried to learn it for ten years but never got the hang of it. I never liked my changeup, and I never wanted to throw it. One day, I was playing catch and started to fool around with the [[w:forkball|forkball]], and it felt more comfortable to me. I said, "Well, I'm gonna try this instead of the changeup." So I started to throw it, but I only used it occasionally in games, because I didn't throw it hard enough.{{paragraph break}}I also threw the [[w:slider|slider]] a couple of times. I threw the slider to Henry Aaron and Roberto Clemente, because I figured if it worked on those two great hitters, then I had something there. So I threw it to Aaron and almost hit him in the face. He reached out to get it, and it came right at him. And I threw it to Clemente. You may remember that in [[w:Forbes Field|Forbes Field]] in Pittsburgh, there was a light tower by where they used to park the batting cage. Halfway up. there was a bunch of transformers. Well, Clemente hit it off a transformer. I said, "Well, maybe I don't have a slider," and I gave it up. So, I never came up with a third pitch. ** Interview on ''[[w:The Tim McCarver Show|The Tim McCarver Show]]'', talking about on his efforts to find a third pitch; as quoted in ''Tim McCarver's Diamond Gems'' (2006), [https://archive.org/details/timmccarversdiam0000unse/page/224/mode/2up pp.&nbsp;224-225] == Quotes about Koufax == * Sandy Koufax. Sandy was a special problem for me because he possessed exceptional control, speed and a great curve ball. He was highly disciplined, extremely committed and a very private person. These qualities enabled him to concentrate on his profession without a lot of unnecessary distractions. **[[Ernie Banks]], responding to the question, "Who was the toughest pitcher you faced during your career, and why was he a special problem for you?"; as quoted in "Hall of Famers Name Their Toughest Diamond Foes" by William Guilfoile, in ''The 1991 National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum Yearbook''; reprinted in ''Baseball Digest'' (August 1992), p. 28 * He's the greatest pitcher I ever saw. I can still see that big curveball. It had a great arc on it, and he never bounced it in the dirt. Sandy's curve had a lot more spin than anybody else's -- it spun like a fastball coming out of his hand -- and he had the fastball of a pure strikeout pitcher. It jumped up at the end. The batter would swing half a foot under it. Most of the time we knew what was coming, because he held his hands closer to his head when he threw a curveball, but it didn't matter. Even though he was tipping off his pitches, you still couldn't hit him. **[[Ernie Banks]], as quoted in [https://www.si.com/mlb/2014/08/29/sandy-koufax-dodgers-left-arm-god-si-60 "The Left Arm of God: Sandy Koufax was more than just a perfect pitcher"] by Tom Verducci, in ''Sports Illustrated'' (July 12, 1999) * I'll always remember that first pitch. It was a fastball that looked like it would hit the dirt in front of the plate. Then, all of a sudden, it rose for a knee-high strike. '''As soon as I saw that fastball, the hair raised up on my arms. The only other time the hair on my arms ever raised up was in Rome when I saw [[Michelangelo]]'s paintings on the ceiling of the [[w:Sistine Chapel|Sistine Chapel]]'''. ** [[w:Al Campanis|Al Campanis]], speaking with reporters in January 1979, regarding Koufax's first tryout with the Dodgers, in which Campanis served as a simulated batter, with coach [[w:Rube Walker|Rube Walker]] catching; as quoted in [http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-08-17/sports/8603010884_1_cary-grant-sandy-koufax-no-hitter/2 "There Are Players, And Stars--and Koufax"] by [[w:Ray Didinger|Ray Didinger]] ([[w:Knight Ridder|Knight-Ridder]]), in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (August 17, 1986); and paraphrased and quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1979/01/28/archives/sandy-koufax-and-the-sistine-chapel-sports-of-the-times.html "Sandy Koufax and the Sistine Chapel"] by [[w:Dave Anderson|Dave Anderson]] in ''The New York Times'' (January 28, 1979) * It's no disgrace to get beat by class. ** [[w:Bob Hendley|Bob Hendley]], the losing Chicago Cubs pitcher in [[w:Sandy Koufax's perfect game|Koufax's perfect game]], after Koufax sent him a gift to commemorate the 35th anniversary of the game — a 1965 NL baseball signed, "What a game!" plus a small handwritten note: "We had a moment, a night, a career. I hope life has been good to you. Sandy." Hendley himself pitched a one-hitter in the game, allowing one unearned run. ''American Jews and America's Game: Voices of a Growing Legacy in Baseball'', p. 17 * We need just two players to be a contender. Just Babe Ruth and Sandy Koufax. ** [[w:Whitey Herzog|Whitey Herzog]], critiquing the 1973 [[w:Texas Rangers|Texas Rangers]] prior to being replaced, in season, as Rangers manager by [[Billy Martin]]; as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=42gNAQAAMAAJ&q=herzog+%22babe+ruth+and+sandy+koufax%22&dq=herzog+%22babe+ruth+and+sandy+koufax%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjqtNTYs__QAhWDKyYKHW7iBCkQ6AEILTAD ''Total Baseball''] (2001) by John Thorn, p. 2468 * It sounded like somebody firing a pistol in a canyon . . . pow, pow, pow. That was the sound of the fastball popping [[w:Rube Walker|Rube]]'s mitt in that empty ballpark. We all came in to watch this kid. ** [[w:Tommy Lasorda|Tommy Lasorda]], on Koufax's first tryout with the Dodgers, as witnessed by Lasorda and several other Dodger pitchers, who were jogging in the outfield at the time; as quoted in [http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-08-17/sports/8603010884_1_cary-grant-sandy-koufax-no-hitter/2 "There Are Players, And Stars--and Koufax"] by [[w:Ray Didinger|Ray Didinger]] ([[w:Knight Ridder|Knight-Ridder]]), in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (August 17, 1986) * If there was one game I had to win and I could pick any pitcher in any era, I'd pick Sandy. I'd sit in the bullpen and watch him paint that outside corner with a 95 mile-per-hour fastball and throw curves that looked like they were dropping out of the third deck. I'd think, "I'm gonna relieve this guy? With my stuff?" ** [[w:Ron Perranoski|Ron Perranoski]], as quoted in [http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1986-08-17/sports/8603010884_1_cary-grant-sandy-koufax-no-hitter/2 "There Are Players, And Stars--and Koufax"] by [[w:Ray Didinger|Ray Didinger]] ([[w:Knight Ridder|Knight-Ridder]]), in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (August 17, 1986) * Getting a hit off Koufax is like trying to eat soup with a fork. ** [[w:Willie Stargell|Willie Stargell]] as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=g0cqAAAAIBAJ&sjid=Ok8EAAAAIBAJ&pg=7601%2C3449012 "Hit Koufax? Try Eating Soup With a Fork; Stargell Sums Up Defeat"] by Les Biederman, in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (June 26, 1965) * Too bad about Koufax's arm. He can't shave. Or brush his hair. All he can do is pitch. ** [[w:Harry Walker|Harry Walker]], manager of the [[w:Pittsburgh Pirates|Pittsburgh Pirates]], commenting on the [[w:Los Angeles Dodgers|Dodgers']] 2-1 victory over [[w:St. Louis Cardinals|St. Louis]], which had reduced LA's [[w:Magic number (sports)|magic number]] over the Pirates to two; as quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=ir0bAAAAIBAJ&sjid=VU8EAAAAIBAJ&pg=5573%2C6670575 "The Press Box—Sad Music for Walker: St. Louis Blues"] by Roy McHugh, in ''The Pittsburgh Press'' (September 30, 1966) * The Dodgers had us back for Jackie Robinson Day, and before the game started, we're up in the press box, and Rachel Robinson is there, and Jackie's son and daughter. The Dodgers were playing the Reds, and Sandy Koufax walks up and says '''"Jerry, this is amazing. There's not one player on the Dodgers that is African-American."''' He said that it was sad that we're up there celebrating Jackie Robinson, but not much has changed. ** [[w:Jerry Royster|Jerry Royster]] on Koufax commenting about the decrease of African-American players in Major League Baseball back in 2019. Quoted in [https://www.milb.com/news/nine-questions-with-former-las-vegas-manager-and-mlb-veteran-jerry-royster-by-ro "Nine Questions with Former Las Vegas Manager Jerry Royster"] by Ron Kantowski in [https://www.milb.com MiLB.com] (February 23, 2023). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Koufax, Sandy}} [[Category:1935 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Baseball players from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from New York City]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:National Baseball Hall of Fame inductees]] mjz5lzryqlyuwuce4z583bucsnrg2cg 0 39472 3944413 3583623 2026-05-23T08:51:32Z Ficaia 3085955 3944413 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'', p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] cyetj15r7s958p4i52ft9wgir9echz1 3944417 3944413 2026-05-23T09:04:53Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey: A New Translation (2018) */ 3944417 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'', p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] akipe5wh3jcjt0hd5t2ds6thn6mzhk7 3944420 3944417 2026-05-23T09:17:45Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey: A New Translation (2018) */ 3944420 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'', p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] m6bhkvkbucb356ay463wdaoyj0xgsrn 3944421 3944420 2026-05-23T09:19:52Z Ficaia 3085955 /* Quotes */ 3944421 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] 2a7nsh546ked9z11nvxg7s4kalogeq5 3944423 3944421 2026-05-23T10:19:15Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey: A New Translation (2018) */ 3944423 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]] loq.) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] 33psexk1t7q9kene5lazeztxt5p87x9 0 41623 3944392 2956004 2026-05-23T07:14:43Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United Kingdom]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944392 wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[:w:Socialist Party of Great Britain|Socialist Party of Great Britain]]''' ('''SPGB''') is a [[socialist]] [[w:List of political parties in the United Kingdom|political party in the United Kingdom]]. Founded in 1904 as a split from the [[w:Social Democratic Federation|Social Democratic Federation]] (SDF), it advocates using the [[w:ballot box|ballot box]] for [[revolution]]ary purposes and opposes both [[w:Leninism|Leninism]] and [[w:reformism|reformism]]. It holds that countries which claimed to have established socialism had only established "[[w:state capitalism|state capitalism]]" and was one of the first to describe the [[Soviet Union]] as state capitalist. The party's political position has been described as a form of [[w:impossibilism|impossibilism]]. ==Outside views== ===Positive=== *Of all the sights and sounds which attracted me on my first arrival to live in London in the mid-thirties, one combined operation left a lingering, individual spell. I naturally went to Hyde Park to hear the orators, the best of the many free entertainments on offer in the capital. I heard the purest milk of the world flowing, then as now, from the platform of the Socialist Party of Great Britain. **[[Michael Foot]], ''Debts of Honour'', 1980. *In both theory and practice the SPGB was an extreme manifestation of the pre-1917 [[Marxist]] tradition. Its function was to educate the workers in the intractability of capitalism and the hopelessness of all trade union action or reform: its medium was the streetcorner pitch where speakers would harangue passers-by and sell the ''Socialist Standard''. Since prospective members were examined for their knowledge of Marxism and ability to speak in public, and since they prided themselves on their ‘scientific socialism’, propagandists of the SPGB enjoyed a reputation as formidable Marxist purists. **[[Stuart Macintyre]], ''A Proletarian Science: Marxism in Britain 1917–1933'', 1980. *Robert Lynn revelled in the forums, which he called the University of Life. They certainly had their moments. I remember one exemplary SPGB graduate speaking mounting the platform, drawing a ten-shilling note from his pocket and holding it dangling from his thumb and forefinger for a quarter of an hour or so while delivering a devastatingly witty attack on money. The audience of thirty or so were spellbound. There was not a single heckler, until he set fire to it. **[[Stuart Christie]], ''My Granny Made Me An Anarchist: 1946–1964'', 2003, p. 157. *The SPGB has neither a leader nor a hierarchy of committees, and it repudiates the principle of [[leadership]]. Organised as local branches, the members of each electing their own officers independently of Head Office (which serves as hardly more than a clearing-house) and sending delegates to the annual Conference, it works throughout on one person one vote and simple majorities. Subject to a minimum of procedural rules any branch can bring any issue before Conference and Conference decisions bind the Executive Committee (which, like the Party Officers, is elected annually by vote of the whole Party). Any six branches can call a Party poll, and any member expelled can appeal to the annual Conference. All meetings of the Executive Committee and the branches, Delegate Meetings and Conference, are open to all members (and in fact to the public). These are not just aspirations or entries in the Rule Book; unlike other parties the SPGB really does function in this way. A majority of the members controls the organisation and its officers. **[[George Walford]], ''Angles on Anarchism'', 1991, p. 53. ===Neutral=== *It is difficult to integrate the Socialist Party of Great Britain into any account of wider working-class politics because its policy of hostility to all other political groups, and rejection as an organisation of participation in any partial economic or social struggles, effectively excluded it from association with other tendencies. But no account would be complete without some reference to them. Before the War, they were a substantial presence in the area. Their Tottenham Branch had over 100 members, and there were also effective branches in Islington and Hackney. The SPGB also had a very high proportion of the ablest open-air speakers, notably [[:w:Alexander Anderson (English socialist)|Alex Anderson]] of Tottenham, who by common consent was the best socialist orator of his day. The SPGB’s principled Marxism had perhaps a wider influence than it would like to admit. **[[Ken Weller]], ''Don’t be a Soldier! The Radical Anti-War Movement in North London 1914–1918'', 1985. *The Russian debacle is rather appalling but quite explicable. Lenin and Trotsky appear to me to be of the SPGB type or the wilder types of the SDP. **[[Clement Attlee]] in a letter to his brother Tom, 20 March 1918. **quoted in ''Clem Attlee: A Biography'' by Francis Beckett, 2001. *The Socialist Party of Great Britain… denounced the [[Russian Revolution]] as state-capitalist within hours of hearing of it. **[[w:David Widgery|David Widgery]], ''The Left in Britain 1956–1968'', 1976. *Actually, I was a member of something called the Socialist Party of Great Britain at school for a while. You had to pass an exam, you know. You could not just join. **[[John Bird]] interviewed in the ''Evening Standard'', 3 December 1997. ===Negative=== *The Socialist Party of Great Britain, a young organisation and an offshoot from the [[Social Democratic Party]], is spreading about London and challenging the older organisations in such districts as Battersea and Tottenham. The members are [[Marxism|Marxians]] and revolutionaries, preaching the [[Class War]]. The catechumens of the party are put through a rigid course of training in the principles of their creed, which they must be prepared to defend at the risk of their liberty. What is most remarkable and disquieting about this dangerous organisation is the fact that the members are unquestionably higher-grade working-men of great intelligence, respectability, and energy. They are, as a whole, the best informed Socialists in the country, and would make incomparable soldiers, or desperate barricadists. As revolutionaries they deserve no mercy: as men they command respect. **[[W. Lawler Wilson]], ''The Menace of Socialism'', 1909, p. 316. *The [[Communist Party of Great Britain|Communist Party]] has ''no'' dealings with murderers, liars, renegades, or assassins. The SPGB, which associates itself with followers of [[Trotsky]], the friend of [[Rudolf Hess|Hess]], has always followed a policy which would mean disaster for the British working class. They have consistently poured vile slanders on [[Joseph Stalin]] and the Communist Party of the [[Soviet Union]], told filthy lies about the [[Red Army]], the Soviet people and its leaders, gloated over the assassination of [[Sergey Kirov|Kirov]] and other Soviet leaders, applauded the wrecking activities of Trotskyist saboteurs in the Soviet Union. They have worked to split the British working class, and are in short agents of [[Fascism]] in Great Britain. The CPGB refuses with disgust to deal with such renegades. We treat them as vipers, to be destroyed. **letter from Secretary of the West Ham branch of the Communist Party, 23 February 1943. **reproduced in ''Socialist Standard'', May 1943. *In 1905 another split took place in the SDF, when part of the membership this time mainly centred in London formed the Socialist Party of Great Britain, a body so sectarian that it adjured both politics and trade union action, believing that socialism would come when everyone was converted. Fifty years later it was still a tiny sect, mainly concerned with echoing propaganda hostile to the Soviet Union. **[[A. L. Morton]] and [[G. Tate]], ''The British Labour Movement, 1770–1920'', 1956, p. 218. *In the coming revolutionary confrontations between the working class and the bourgeoisie the role of the SPGB will be indistinguishable from that of any of the other bourgeois parties. **''World Revolution'', organ of the [[International Communist Current]], July 1976. *In this country, the ultra-orthodox Marxists, the Socialist Party of Great Britain advocate the abolition of the wages system, free access to the means of production, the abolition of the state as anarchists do. But and an important but, they want to abolish the state by capturing the state through putting an X on a ballot paper. So it would seem they are [[anarchist]]s in bad health. **[[Robert Lynn]], ''Vote: What for?'', 1991. *The Clapham-based Socialist Party has a three-tiered structure. At the top are the godfathers who run the party, make the decisions and plot the strategy. The second tier are the students who usually last until they graduate or find a safe academic job. Then there is the lower tier—those who have buried their heads in the sand for the best part of 20 years, thinking that the political struggle in the old SPGB and the split into two separate organisations was just a bad dream. **"Desperate Spoiling Tactics". ''[[:w:Socialist Studies (1989)|Socialist Studies]]'' № 60, Summer 2006, p. 35. ==See also== *[[socialism]] *[[communism]] *[[capitalism]] *[[Marxism]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource}} {{commons|Socialist Party of Great Britain}} *[http://www.worldsocialism.org/spgb Socialist Party of Great Britain] [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Socialism]] ldstfuuqgs90tapkv4zqh8nhmp1al4n 0 41964 3944224 3940167 2026-05-22T15:50:51Z ~2026-29139-27 3321829 3944224 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek The Third logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Shrek the Third|Shrek the Third]]''''', or '''''Shrek III''''', also known as '''''Shrek 3''''', or '''''Shrek 3: Escape of Tower''''', is a [[w:2007 in film|2007 film]] in which, after being reluctantly designated as the heir to the land of Far, Far Away, Shrek hatches a plan to install the rebellious Artie as the new king while Princess Fiona tries to fend off a coup d'état by the jilted Prince Charming. '''''[[Shrek]]''''' was a first sequel in [[w:2001 in film|2001]], '''''[[Shrek 2]]''''' was a second sequel in [[w:2004 in film|2004]], and '''''[[Shrek Forever After]]''''' was a third sequel in [[w:2010 in film|2010]]. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]. Written by [[w:Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman|Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman]], Chris Miller, and [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]], based on [[w:Shrek!|Shrek!]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' {{center/s}}'''Who's ready for Thirds?'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]{{center/e}} ==Shrek== * That's it! We're leaving! * Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. * Well, somebody better be dying. * Better out than in, I always say. ''[chuckles]'' * Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are! * We're here for the mascot contest, too. * ''[to Mr. Merlin]'' Quiet! * Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? ==King Harold and Queen Lillian and others== :'''Donkey''': I think that went pretty well. ''['''Shrek''': Donkey!]'' Come on now, Shrek! :'''Harold''': I'm dying. ''[coughing]'' Don't forget to pay ''the'' gardener, Lillian. :'''Lillian''': Of course, darling. :'''Harold''': Fiona. :'''Fiona''': Yes, Daddy? :'''Harold''': His name is Arthur. ''['''Shrek''': Arthur?]'' [coughing]'' I know, you'll do what's ''[exhaling]'' right-- ''[sick immediately]'' :''[lilypond snaps]'' ==Dialogue== :''[First lines; the movie begins with a familiar beam of light shines down. These beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming rides the horse his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The Wind whips Prince Charming's Just washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner,majestic, glorious, flowing, marvelous, gorgeous, beautiful, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck length blond hair around his face .]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! ''[Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moves background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience]'' :'''Gingy''': This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater! :'''Pinocchio''': Me, too. ''[his nose grows]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[rides to the base of the tower]'' Whoa there, Chauncey! ''[dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]'' :'''Actress''': ''[as the princess, leaning from the tower window]'' Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[puffing his chest out]'' Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. ''[An old couple at a table look confused]'' :'''Old Lady''': ''[to the old man]'' What did she say? ''[Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince too costume comes onto the stage. The whole crowd erupts into applauses]'' :'''Gingy''': Yeah! It's Shrek! :'''Little Pigs and Pinocchio''': Whoo, Shrek, yeah! :'''Prince Charming''': ''[ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the prince]'' Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! :'''Waiter''': ''[singing while carrying a birthday cake]'' Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee :'''Prince Charming''': Do you mind?! ''[hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]'' :'''Gingy''': Do ''you'' mind?! Boring! ''[The audience laughs]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple]'' Prepare, foul beast... ''[looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience]'' Someday, you'll be sorry. :'''Heckler''': ''[off-screen]'' We already are! ''[They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]'' :'''Ogre Mascot''': Grr! ''[The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture] :'''Prince Charming''': ''[heavy sobs]'' Mommy... ''[weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face]'' You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!! ''[looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high]'' I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother, I will restore dignity to my throne! ''[a big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd]'' And this time, no one will stand in my way. ''[crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]'' :'''Shrek''': Good morning. :'''Princess Fiona''': Good morning. ''[dreaming]'' Morning breath. :''[Shrek breathes in and smiles]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[dreaming]'' I know. Isn't it wonderful? :''[The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[singing]'' Good morning, good morning! ''[Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused]'' The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning ''[coming closer and closer to Shrek]'' To you! ''[to Fiona]'' And you! ''[to the Dronkeys]'' And you! ''[the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in]'' They grow up so fast. :'''Shrek''': ''[greatly annoyed]'' Not fast enough. ''[lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[leaps onto the bed]'' Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. :'''Shrek''':[very sarcastically] Great! Let's get started. ''[immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]'' :'''Donkey''': Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! ''[yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs]'' '''AAH!!!''' You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies! :''[Then the title "Shrek the Third" appears on the stain glass window, as the movie begins. The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "[https://shrek.wikia.com/wiki/Song:Royal_Pain Royal Pain]" by the [[w:Eels (band)|Eels]] plays in the background as the begin titles over is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church, then walks up to the knight, who seems a bit nervous]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[holding the sword, then looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword]'' I knight thee. ''[accidentally stabs the knight in the head]'' Heh, heh. Ooh. :''[The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them]'' :'''Donkey''': Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?! :'''Raul''': ''[stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow]'' Ahem. I will see what I can do. :''[He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. Vroom! Vroom! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked]'' :'''Fiona''': Ow! :''[Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rips it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. Pop! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Puss''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Yeah, wow. :'''Fiona''': ''[feeling uncomfortable]'' Uh, is this really necessary? :'''Raul''': ''[to Shrek]'' Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. :'''Prince Shrek''': I'm Shrek, you twit. :'''Raul''': Whatever. :'''Puss''': Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle! :'''Donkey''': Smiles, everyone! Smiles! :''[Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. :'''Princess Fiona''': I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. ''[Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh]'' Shrek? :'''Prince Shrek''': Yeah. :'''Princess Fiona''': You look handsome. :'''Prince Shrek''': Ah. Come here, you. ''[she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air]'' Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. ''[tries to scratch his butt but to no avail]'' Oh. ''[whistles]'' Hey, you! Come here. ''[a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him]'' What's your name? :'''Fiddlesworth''': Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir. :'''Prince Shrek''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect. :''[The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek! and Princess Fiona :''[The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great. :'''Princess Fiona''': Uh, Shrek? :''[Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good. :'''Princess Fiona''': Shrek... :'''Shrek''': Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great! :'''Princess Fiona''': '''''Shrek!''''' ''[Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[stumbling through the crowd, screamed]'' Ow! My eye! My eye! ''[grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]'' :'''Woman''': What are you doing?! ''[pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocks over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]'' :'''Shrek''': Fiona! ''[trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapped him]'' :'''Fiddlesworth''': Uhhh... ''[whimpers]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor]'' Are you okay? :'''Princess Fiona''': Yeah. I'm fine. ''[her eyes widen]'' :'''Fiddlesworth''': ''[his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers]'' Ahhhh!!! ''[The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! ''[blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. Crash! Bang!]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to King Harold's bedroom. King Harold is lying down on his lily pad, coughing]'' :'''Harold''': I'm dying. ''[inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian comes to the King's aid and he settles down.]'' :'''Lillian''': Harold. :'''Harold''': Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. ''[Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.]'' :'''Lillian''': Of course darling. ''[The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.]'' :'''Harold''': Fiona… :'''Fiona''': Yes, Daddy? :'''Harold''': I know I've made many mistakes with you. :'''Fiona''': It's okay. :'''Harold''': But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. ''[Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.]'' My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. :'''Shrek''':''[smiles]'' And I'm proud to call you my Frog… King Dad in-law. :'''Harold''': Now, there is a matter of business to attend to.''[wheezes and coughing passes out]'' :'''Puss''': The frog king...is dead. ''[Fiona starts weeping. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[to Puss]'' Put your hat back on, fool. :'''Harold''': Shrek, please come hither. ''[Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, Dad? :'''Harold''': This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. :'''Shrek''': Oh! ''[laughing]'' Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. ''[laughs with point] [The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.]'' Oh, come on Dad… an ogre as king? I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, there's got to be somebody else. Anybody! :'''Harold''': Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir.''' :'''Shrek''': Really? Who is he, Dad? :'''Harold''': His name is... is... :'''Shrek''': What's his name? What's his '''''name?!''''' :'''Harold''': ...is- ''[wheezing]'' :'''Fiona''': Daddy! ''[A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A harold's tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.]'' :'''Harold''': ''[after swallowing a fly and one last time]'' His name is Arthur. :'''Shrek''': Arthur? :'''Harold''': ''[coughing; last words before his death]'' I know... you'll do what's right. ''[He's sick for real]'' :'''Lillian''': ''[emotionally]'' Harold? :'''Shrek''': Dad? Dad! ''[King Harold doesn't respond; his ears droop]'' Dad? :'''Donkey''': ''[to Puss; emotionally]'' Do your thing, man. ''[Puss takes his hat off]'' :''[Fiona starts to break down weeping as she places her fist on Shrek's shoulder. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on Queen Lillian, Shrek, Fiona, Puss, and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Poison Apple Pub...]'' :'''Prince Charming''': What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? ''[Mabel turns around in front of him]'' Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. Where's Doris, taking the night off? :'''Mabel''': She's not welcome here, and neither are you. ''[spits into the mug]'' What do you want, Charming? ''[wipes the mug with a cloth]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Oh, not much, just a chance at redemption... ''[laughs]'' and a Fuzzy Navel. ''[stands up and turns to the villains]'' And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! :''[Captain Hook angrily rips across the piano keys with his hook, the Singing witch bares her teeth, sneering, the Evil Queen angrily breaks her pool cue stick, and Stromboli angrily smashes his beer mug]'' :'''Captain Hook''': We're not your friends. ''[Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck]'' And you, don't belong here. :'''Prince Charming''': You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? :'''Cyclops''': Do a number on his face! :'''Prince Charming''': No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. ''[to the Evil Queen]'' Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened? :'''Evil Queen''': Oh, what's it to you? :'''Prince Charming''': They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? :'''Evil Queen''': ''[remorsefully]'' Pretty unfair. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[to Stromboli]'' And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. :'''Stromboli''': I hate that little wooden puppet. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[turns to Hook]'' And Hook...need I say more? ''[Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage]'' And you! Frumpy-pigskin. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Rumpelstiltskin. :'''Prince Charming''': Where's that first-born you were promised? ''[Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; to Mabel]'' Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? ''[Mabel sighs remorsefully]'' Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has ''EVER'' done you wrong! ''[turns his attention to all the villains]'' Once upon a time, someone decided that ''we'' were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out ''on top for once?'' '''''Who wants their Happily Ever After?!''''' :''[The villains cheer rowdily, but then start to have a big brawl in the pub. Charming looks and drinks his Fuzzy Navel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[talking to cats]'' It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. ''[another female cats talking]'' As are you... ''[to another female cat]'' And you... ''[more cats get angry at each other]'' And, uh...hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. ''[the cats yowl and screech]'' I gotta go. ''[then leaves on the journey]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Princess Fiona''': ''[suddenly feels a bump in her stomach]'' Shrek! :'''Shrek''': Yeah?! :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait! :'''Shrek''': What is it?! :'''Princess Fiona''': ''[taking a deep breath]'' I'm... I'm... ''[but was cut off by the ship captain's foghorn]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[laughs]'' I love you too, honey! :'''Princess Fiona''': No! No, I said I'm- ''[gets cut off by the foghorn again]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[grabs the foghorn from the captain and throws it overboard]'' You're what?! :'''Princess Fiona''': I said I'm ''pregnant''! :''[The fairytale creatures cheer.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[can't believe his ears]'' Oh... what was that?! :'''Princess Fiona''': You're going to be a father! :'''Shrek''': ''[laughs nervously]'' That's great. :'''Princess Fiona''': Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!? :'''Shrek''': ''[smiles back at Fiona]'' Yeah... ''[laughs nervously]'' Me, too. You... :''[Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[pops up onto the railing]'' I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!! :'''Puss in Boots''': And you, my friend, are royally- ''[the different foghorn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Worcester-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy! :'''Shrek''' : It's "Worcestershire". :'''Donkey''': Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.]'' :'''Shrek''': Arthur! Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are! :''[Off-screen, we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as a furious Donkey bursts out of the locker. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are '''''OVER!''''' :''[An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped to Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a hall monitor who stops them.]'' :'''Hall Monitor''': Uh, hold it. :''[Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.]'' :'''Student 1''': We're here for the mascot contest. :'''Student 2''': Grr! :''[The hall monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[pleased with himself]'' We're here for the mascot contest, too. :'''Hall Monitor''': ''[suspicious]'' This is a costume? ''[reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[trying to hide the pain]'' Ay! Worked on it all night long. ''[struggling not to scream in agony]'' :'''Hall Monitor''': ''[lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious]'' Looks pretty real to me. :'''Puss in Boots''': If he were real, could I do this? ''[uses his claws to scratch deep into Shrek's butt]'' :'''Donkey''': Or this? ''[kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[winces, sweats, and unbelievably strained]'' If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. :'''Donkey''': Now watch this! :'''Shrek''': ''[interrupting; through gritted teeth]'' That's quite enough, boys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': ''[to Shrek]'' Please, don't eat me. :'''Students and Teacher''': Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! :'''Shrek''': I'm not here to '''''eat''''' him! :'''Students and Teacher''': ''[groaning]'' Aww. :'''Shrek''': It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You are the new king of Far Far Away. :'''Artie''': What? :'''Lancelot''': Artie? King? More like a Mayor of Loserville! :''[Everyone laughs at this.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Hook''': ''[looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook]'' Well, well, well! If it isn't Peter Pan! :'''Mother''': His name's not Peter! :'''Captain Hook''': Shut it, Wendy. :''[Mother screams in terror.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince Charming becomes frustrated; he turns Pinocchio's head towards him]'' :'''Prince Charming''': You! You can't lie. So, tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? :'''Pinocchio''': ''[turns his body around, thinks nervously]'' Well...I don't know where he's not. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[gets in Pinocchio's face]'' You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? :'''Pinocchio''': ''[still a little nervous]'' It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume, that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. :'''Prince Charming''': So you do know where he is. :'''Pinocchio''': On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way. With any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[angrily]'' Stop it. :'''Pinocchio''': I do not know where he shouldn't be. ''[Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated]'' If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. :'''Gingy''': ''[continues to singing "[[w:Lollipop (1958 song)|Lollipop Song]]"]'' On the good ship Lollipop... :'''Heimlich''': '''''ENOUGH!''''' ''Shrek went off to bring back the next heir!'' ''[gasps in horror for Shrek's reveal and Pinocchio chuckles nervously]'' :'''Prince Charming''': He’s bringing back the ''next'' heir? :'''Pinocchio''': No! ''[Pinocchio's nose gets longer]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Hook! Get rid of this ''new king.'' :'''Captain Hook''': Right! :'''Prince Charming''': But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. :'''Pinocchio''': He'll never fall for your tricks! ''[Pinocchio's nose gets longer again]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': Oh, boy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.]'' :'''Artie''': I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. :'''Artie''': Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. :'''Shrek''': It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. :'''Artie''': Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. :'''Shrek''': ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. :'''Artie''': Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses. :'''Donkey''': It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. :'''Puss''': ''[jumps up onto the railing next to Artie]'' And fortunately you’ll have the royal food tasters. :'''Artie''': ''[intrigued]'' Oh, yeah? What do they do? :'''Puss''': They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. :'''Artie''': Poisoned? :'''Shrek''': ''[senses trouble and immediately steps in]'' Or too salty. ''[tries to shut Puss and Donkey up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[to Artie]'' Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards. :'''Artie''': Bodyguards? :'''Puss''': All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. :'''Artie''': Really? :'''Puss''': Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. :''[Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "Shut up!" to Puss and Donkey.]'' :'''Donkey''': Just make sure they don't die of famine. :'''Puss''': Or plague. :'''Donkey''': Oh, plague is bad. :'''Puss''': The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. :'''Shrek''': ''[interrupts with a mock laugh]'' Oh. Festering sores. ''[sternly to Puss]'' Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. :'''Puss''': What did I say? :'''Shrek''': We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. ''[motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.]'' Uh, Artie? :''[The boat suddenly pitches to the left. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken captain slides by.]'' :'''Captain''': Oh, there goes my hip. :'''Shrek''': Artie! What are you doing? ''[turns the wheel the other way]'' :''[The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffleboard stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it angrily.]'' :'''Artie''': What does it look like?! :''[He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches again. Artie swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it.]'' :'''Shrek''': This really isn't up to you. :'''Artie''': ''[falls underneath the wheel and stands up shoving the wheel back the other way]'' But I don't know anything about being king! :'''Shrek''': You'll learn on the job! :''[Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. Shrek and Artie continue fighting over the wheel.]'' :'''Artie''': Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back. :'''Shrek''': Back to what? Being a ''loser''?! ''[As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he’s gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.]'' Now look what you did! :'''Artie''': Look what ''I'' did? Who's holding the wheel, chief? :'''Donkey''': ''[climbs up onto the railing and is seasick and about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead]'' SHREK!! :''[Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. But it was too late. The ship crashes into the rocks, sending everyone and everything off.]'' :'''Captain''': LAND HO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[to Artie shortly after they crash the ship]'' Oh, nice going, Your Highness. :'''Artie''': Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser", huh? :'''Shrek''': Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. And you're gonna be a father! :'''Artie''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Donkey''': ''[clears his throat, to Shrek]'' You just said "father". :'''Shrek''': ''[to Artie]'' I said king! You're gonna be king! :'''Artie''': ''[imitates Shrek]'' "You're gonna be king!" ''[reverts back to his normal voice]'' Yeah, right. ''[walks away]'' :'''Shrek''': Where do you think you're going?! :'''Artie''': Far Far Away... from you! :'''Shrek''': You get back here, young man, and I mean it! :''[But Artie didn't turn around and continues walking away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you didn't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's whack! ''[gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]'' :'''Artie''': ''[runs up to Merlin's house]'' SOMEBODY HELP! '''''I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO RELATE TO ME!''''' ''[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]'' Help! Hello?! :''[A holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door.]'' :'''Merlin''': Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare- ''[the holograph cuts off; comes out the front door and says]'' I knew I should have got that warranty. ''[bangs on the holograph, which gives him an electric shock]'' :'''Artie''': ''[recognizes his former teacher]'' Mr. Merlin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': This is lame. :'''Merlin''': ''[whacks him]'' You're lame. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[?]'' Quiet! Alright, alright, journey to the soul. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': Charming, let go of her! :'''Prince Charming:''' But why would I want to do that? :'''Rapunzel''': ''[looks at Charming, purring]'' :'''Prince Charming:''' Woof. :''[They both share a kiss, much to the squad's shock]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[anonymous]'' What? :'''Prince Charming:''' Say hello ladies to the new queen of Far Far Away! :'''Cinderella:''' Yay! ''[claps]'' :''[Awkward pause]'' :'''Fiona''': Rapunzel, how could you? :'''Rapunzel''': Jealous much? :'''Prince Charming''': Soon you'll be back where you started… scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. :'''Rapunzel''': But Pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them. :'''Prince Charming''': Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek wakes up, he sees a bird on the tree, then it flicks a bird off of there. Then the Evil Trees suddenly approaches him, Donkey, Puss and Artie. Donkey screams in fear, then Captain Hook and Charming's henchmen arrives with a piano.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[scared]'' '''LOOK OUT! THEY GOT A PIANO!''' :'''Captain Hook''': Kill 'em all. ''[points to Shrek]'' Except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. :'''Shrek''': "King Charming"? :'''Captain Hook''': '''''ATTACK!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek saves Donkey, Puss and Artie from the cannon, which it destroys Captain Hook's piano and Charming's henchmen starts running away.]'' :'''Captain Hook''': '''''YA COWARDS!''''' :'''Shrek''': ''[barges to Hook]'' What has Charming done with Fiona?! :'''Captain Hook''': She's gonna get what's coming to her. ''[raises his hook, but gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away]'' And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Merlin sends Shrek, Donkey, Artie and Puss back to Far, Far Away]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, groans]'' Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college. :''[Shrek and Artie are surprised]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey? :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, confused]'' What? Is there something in my teeth? ''[gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body]'' What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second rate sidekick! :'''Puss''': ''[in Donkey's body, falls on the ground; groans]'' At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside of pinata! You should think about going on a diet! :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! ''[covers himself as if being naked]'' I feel all exposed and nasty! ''[Shrek and Artie laugh]'' Oh, so you two think this is funny?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! :'''Shrek''': Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. :'''Artie''': He's a star, people! ''Hello?!'' I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. :'''Shrek''': I'm gonna lose it! ''[continues trying to keep his cool]'' :'''Artie''': I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room? :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. ''[aggravated]'' Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño '''''HONEY BUTTER!!!!''''' :'''Shrek''': I just lost it. :''[Puss turns eyes at Shrek even more aggravated]'' :'''Guard''': Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. :'''Puss''': ''[in Donkey's body]'' Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, i promise! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[confronts Charming in the dressing room]'' Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. :'''Prince Charming''': Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. ''[presses a button]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[grabs him]'' Where's Fiona? :'''Prince Charming''': Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. ''[grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down]'' Let me guess. Arthur. :'''Artie''': ''[facing him]'' It's "Artie", actually. :'''Prince Charming''': This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? ''[laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat]'' How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess. :'''Shrek''': Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. :'''Artie''': Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right? :'''Shrek''': You weren't really next in line for the throne, I was! :'''Artie''': ''[angered]'' But you said the king asked for me personally. :'''Shrek''': Not exactly. :'''Artie''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Shrek''': Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill! So, so just go! :'''Artie''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You were playing me the whole time? :'''Shrek''': You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. :''[Donkey tries to reason with Artie, but Puss stops him]'' :'''Artie''': You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you... :'''Prince Charming''': What? That ''he'' cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? ''[Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty]'' You really do have a way with children, Shrek. :''[The guards lead Shrek out of the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' We went to high school, the boat crashed, and we've got Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booped by the magic man! :'''Doris''': You poor sweet things. :'''Cinderella''': ''[confused]'' I don't get it. :'''Snow White''': The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? :'''Sleeping Beauty''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? Who dat? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite! :'''Pinocchio''': But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool. :'''Gingerbread Man''': As I recall, it was Team Awesome. :'''Wolf''': I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, annoyed]'' All right, all right, all right! From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': ''[off-screen]'' Everybody, stop! :'''Prince Charming''': ''[exasperated]'' Oh, what is it now?! :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Artie? :'''Artie''': ''[jumping and leaping onto the stage]'' Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? ''[all the villains raise their hands]'' You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives? :'''Hook''': But we are villains. It's the only thing we know. :'''Artie''': Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? :'''Evil Tree Steve''': Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. :'''Prince Charming''': You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them! :'''Evil Tree Ed''': ''[covering Charming's mouth]'' What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. :'''Evil Tree Steve''': Right. Thanks, Ed. :'''Artie''': Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me... that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, it doesn't mean you are one. ''[Shrek smiles]'' The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way... is you. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Me? :'''Guard''': Get him, lads! :'''Artie''': No, no! What I mean is, each of you, is standing in your own way. :'''Villains''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. :'''Headless Horseman''': I've always wanted to play the flute. :'''Evil Queen''': I'd like to open up a spa in France! :'''Hook''': I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. ''[smiles, looks thoughtfully at his sword, and throws it down]'' :''[The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight, who's holding Pinocchio, is thinking about it, when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingy high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Charming kicks himself free from the Evil Tree, and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. Despite his fear, Artie faces Charming bravely. As Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Enraged, he charges at Shrek and impales him with the sword. Charming let us go, and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[thinking he killed Shrek; laughs evilly, and turn to the audience]'' A new era finally begins! ''[the audience cowers, but Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie]'' Now, all of you, bow before your king! :'''Shrek''': ''[rises up behind Charming, and clears his throat, which started Charming in shock]'' You need to work on your aim. ''[takes the sword out of his armpit, and holds up Charming in the air]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[doesn't believe this]'' This was supposed to be ''my'' Happily Ever After! :'''Shrek''': Well, I guess you need to keep looking… ''[looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming]'' …'cause I'm not giving up mine. ''[throws Charming on the stage and whistles the signal]'' :''[Dragon pushes the tower with her tail] :'''Prince Charming''': ''[looking up; also last words before his death]'' Mommy?! :''[The tower crushes Charming, killing him instantly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Puss''': ''[normal voice]'' Are you, uh...? :'''Donkey''': ''[normal voice]'' I'm me again! :'''Puss''': And I'm not you! :'''Donkey''': ''[hugs Puss]'' All right! :'''Merlin''': Oops. ''[realizes that Puss's cape and Donkey's tail were swapped, then walks away]'' Ah, never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[looking at Artie talking with princesses]'' See, what did I tell you? The kid's gonna make a great king. :'''Princess Fiona''': For what it's worth, you would have too. :'''Shrek''': ''[rubs Fiona's stomach]'' I have something much more important in mind. :''[They kiss lovingly.]'' == Cast == * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]] * [[Eddie Murphy]] — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * [[Cameron Diaz]] — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] - [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]] * [[Julie Andrews]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Queen Lillian|Queen Lillian]] * [[John Cleese]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#King Harold|King Harold]] * [[w:Rupert Everett|Rupert Everett]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Prince Charming|Prince Charming]] * [[Eric Idle]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Merlin|Merlin]] * [[Justin Timberlake]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#King Arthur Pendragon|Artie]] * [[Frank Welker]] — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#The Muffin Man|The Muffin Man]] * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] - [[Pinocchio]], and [[The Three Pigs]] * Babies: ? == See Also == * ''[[Shrek]]'', a 2001 animated film. * ''[[Shrek 2]]'', the 2004 sequel. * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]], a 2011 spin-off film. * [[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish]], a 2022 sequel == Taglines == * Who's ready for Thirds? * He's in for the royal treatment * The Wait is Ogre! * Cookies that talk. Trees that walk. Donkeys on deck. It must be... Shrek! * A family movie you will want to see ogre, and ogre, and ogre again * The best Shrek yet! * For the funniest happily ever after. == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0413267|title=Shrek the Third}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=shrek_the_third| title=Shrek the Third}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2007 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2007 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:American pregnancy films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Films about body swapping]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Films directed by Raman Hui]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:Animated films about babies]] [[Category:Animated films about wizards]] [[Category:Animated films about pregnancy]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] j2vqacr5972ewdvbot8jha5cbgwhpgi 0 44820 3944304 3925834 2026-05-23T00:00:42Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin|Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]''''' (also known as '''''Winnie the Pooh's Most Grand Adventure''''' in United Kingdom some countries) is a [[w:1997 in film|1997]] American-Japanese direct-to-video film based on Walt Disney's ''[[A. A. Milne|Winnie-the-Pooh]]''. The film follows Pooh and his friends on a journey to find and rescue their friend Christopher Robin from the "Skull". :''Directed by Karl Geurs. Written by Carter Crocker and Karl Geurs.'' {{center|'''The All - New Movie'''}} == Rabbit == * That Owl! I knew "skull" had another Y in it... == Eeyore == * ''[After building his own house out of sticks]'' Not much of a house. Just right for not much of a donkey. * ''[Gets tangled up in sticks]'' Easy come, easy go. ''[Falls down]'' * ''[About Piglet having butterflies]'' Some piglets have it, some donkeys don't. * I said "Ouch." * ''[While going with the others to the cave]'' End of the road. Nothing to do. And no hope of things getting better. ''[Beat]'' Sounds like Saturday night at my house. * But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' * Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. * ''[Piglet lands on Eeyore's rear end the other way]'' Whoa! '''''YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!''''' * ''[repeated line]'' Thanks for noticin'. * Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. * Didn't have to come clear out here to find it. Had it inside all along. == Dialogue == :''[Tigger bounces Rabbit.]'' :'''Tigger''': Well, of course it's mine. It's got my name scribbled all over it. T, I&ndash; ''[Eats some honey]'' Double Guh&ndash; ''[Realizes that he is eating honey]'' Honey?! Yuck! ''[Spits out the honey in disgust]'' Ptooey! Blech! Tiggers do not like honey. ---- :'''Tigger''': There's no difference between falling a thousand feet to the jagged rocks below and tumbling out of bed. :'''Piglet''': Oh. Really? :'''Tigger''': Sure. ''[Laughs then clears throat]'' Except for the splat at the end they're practically similar. ---- :'''Winnie the Pooh''': You're just in time for the best part of the day! :'''Christopher Robin''': What part is that? :'''Winnie the Pooh''': The part when you and me... become we. ---- :'''Eeyore''': ''[Muffling]'' :'''Tigger''': What’s donkey boy saying? :'''Eeyore''': ''[Lets go from the branch]'' I said 'ouch'. :''[Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Rabbit, and Eeyore fall screaming]'' ---- :''[Piglet, having woken up, comes out of the cave yawning. His face changes from happy to fearful when he realizes something. Piglet turns around and sees something above him.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Horrified]'' '''OH, DEAR!''' :''[Pooh and Rabbit are sleeping when they are awoken by Piglet's babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Pooh''': ''[Hears Piglet's babbling hysterically]'' Piglet? :''[Piglet runs around babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[To Piglet, annoyed]'' Try to be specific! :''[Piglet continues babbling hysterically as Tigger and Eeyore, having also woken up, approach him, Pooh, and Rabbit.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Lands on Pooh's arm and points at the cave]'' Skull. :''[Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore turn around and gasp in horror at the sight of Skull Cave.]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin's in the eye of that thing? How are we gonna get way up there? :'''Pooh''': By going&ndash; in there? :'''Tigger''': But it's dark. :'''Piglet''': And f-f-f-frightful. :'''Rabbit''': And we have no idea what we'll f-find. :''[The five hear the stomach rumbling sound.]'' :'''Eeyore''': But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Runs into the cave after Eeyore]'' The skullasaurus! :''[Pooh, Tigger, and Rabbit run into the cave after Piglet and Eeyore, they walk through the dark cave with stalactites hanging from the roof. They soon came out a small tunnel and found lots of five paths all going in different directions]'' :'''Piglet''': N-N-Now which way to the eye of the skull? :''[They look back at Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Don't look at me. :'''Pooh''': Oh, bother. ''[hands a honey pot to Piglet]'' Think! Think! If each of us went where the other one hasn't... Think! And one were where another wasn't... Uh, by which I mean to say... perhaps we should split... up? :'''Rabbit''': Why, Pooh Bear, I believe that's a very smart idea. :'''Pooh''': I'm so glad you liked it. ''[Giggles]'' Whatever... it was. :''[So everyone went down the different paths to the eye of the skull. Pooh hold Piglet's hand for a minute then lets go to follow his path and Piglet fearfully went down his own path by himself. He walk through a dark tunnel. Rabbit came to a area where lots of stalagmites hung from the ceiling]'' :'''Rabbit''': Christopher Robin? :''[Piglet walks along a narrow ledge where a lot of steam hisses from below]'' :'''Piglet''': C-C-Christopher Robin. :''[Piglet then looks back as the steam hiss from below roars demonically to form a shape of a monster, but carries on, Eeyore walks onto a stone bridge where a face on the wall is shaped like a skeleton's face]'' :'''Eeyore''': Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. :''[The bridge crumbles away beneath him, and Eeyore falls down] :'''Eeyore''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Rabbit''': What's that? :'''Piglet''': Oh, d-dear! :''[Piglet runs off in fright. Eeyore landed on some vines which launched him through the air, bounced off a branch which shaped like a claw and up into a tree stump which make him look like a Styracosaurus]'' :''[Back with Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Heh-heh. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just the wind. Yes, that's right. Yes. See, it's nothing. Nothing at all. :''[He step back into a hole and fall down it]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :'''Pooh''': Rabbit? :''[Rabbit bumped and bounced down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Tigger is searching his own path inside a chamber where more stalagmites including some small holes here]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin! Christopher Robin! Come out, come out, wherever you aren't. :''[He looks down a hole and swarm of bats flew out, frightening Tigger and he run off in fright like '''[[w:The Goonies|The Goonies]]''' and '''[[w:Tom Sawyer (2000 film)|Tom Sawyer]]'''.]'' :'''Tigger''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Pooh''': Tigger? :''[Rabbit continues falling down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Piglet is still running when he comes across some stones and they made him skid on their path]'' :'''Piglet''': Whoo! ''[yelping]'' :'''Pooh''': Piglet? :''[Piglet went over the edge. He tried to climb back up, but loses his grip then falls on top of Eeyore's stump. It broke off, and they fall to the ground. Piglet landed on Eeyore's buttocks which startled him in fright with a school bell ringing offscreen.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[Eeyore runs off bellowing with Piglet sitting on his buttocks in the opposite direction. Piglet opens his eyes and saw Eeyore's stump shadow on the wall. Frightened by it, the little pig crouched down and covered his eyes again.]'' :'''Pooh''': Eeyore! :''[Pooh walk behind enormous crystals which make his reflection distorted and a little bigger. Rabbit falls out of the end of the hole and landed on the ground below with the map bouncing off him]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Eeyore keeps running along with Piglet on his buttocks until he saw a small-sized cave.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[He tries to stop, but he couldn't. He hits into the cave, breaking the stump off his head in the progress.]'' :'''Tigger''': Help! ''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, blubbering]'' :'''Rabbit''': Huh? :'''Eeyore''': Ah! ''[yelling while sliding from the left with Piglet]'' :'''Rabbit''': What? :''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, and the four friends crashed into each other, all piling up in a heap]'' :'''Piglet''': Tigger! Rabbit! Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Thanks for noticin'. :''[Then a monsters roar echoes and Rabbit grew frightened when he looks up at something in fright]'' :'''Rabbit''': There it is! There it is! :''[They look up to see Pooh's reflection in the giant crystals, making it look huge and monstrous]'' :'''Tigger''': It's the terribibolous skullasaurus I've ever seen! Not to mention the only one. :''[The reflection monsters grins menacingly at them, and Everyone runs off and quickly flee into another cave in fright. Pooh step out from behind the crystals]'' :'''Pooh''': Did someone say "skullasaurus"? ''[screaming]'' :''[He back up to a slope and slide down it. Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore while fleeing from the reflection, try to stop running but slip and slide towards a ledge they soon came to a stop though Rabbit went over but hang onto the ledge. Pooh continues sliding down the slide and flung through the air at the end of it]'' ---- :'''Tigger''': I'm gonna miss that bear. ''[sniffles]'' :'''Piglet''': Oh, Pooh.... :''[a huge monster growl is heard]'' :'''Rabbit''': Now it sounds like the beastly creature is... Look there! The eye of the skull! :'''Piglet''': Whatever will we do? :'''Eeyore''': Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. :'''Tigger''': The map. What's it say? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, my. It's useless. There's nothing in here about how to get up there. Why, I'd have to figure it out all by myself. From scratch, I- I... Can I do that? :'''Tigger''': Yeah, can he do that? :'''Rabbit''': I could try, for Pooh. :'''Pooh''': Thank you, Wabbit. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': Where ''is'' Pooh? :'''Piglet''': Oh, Christopher Robin. The skullasaurus gobbled him up. :'''Christopher Robin''': The what? :''[a monster roar is heard, everyone runs in panic]'' :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[laughs]'' That's no skullasaurus. There's only one thing that makes a sound like that. The rumbly tumbly of a hungry-for-honey Pooh-Bear. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[sings]'' One thing you should know, no matter where I go. We'll always be together. :'''Christopher Robin and Pooh''': Forever and ever. ---- :'''Pooh''': Very, very hard. ''[sings]'' Come out, moon. Come out, wishing star. Come out, come out. Wherever you are. I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake. Come and find me. I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart about to break. Come and find me. I need you to come here and find me. Cause without you, I’m totally lost. == Voice Talents == * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Winnie the Pooh]] and the Skullasaurus * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Piglet]] * [[w:Steve Schatzberg|Steve Schatzberg]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptions|Piglet]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Paul Winchell|Paul Winchell]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as [[w:Rabbit (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Rabbit]] * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] as [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Owl|Owl]] * [[Peter Cullen]] as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] * [[w:Brady Bluhm|Brady Bluhm]] as [[w:Christopher Robin#Disney adaptations|Christopher Robin]] * [[David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] as the Narrator * Dylan Watson as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] (Singing Voice) == External links == {{Authority control}} {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0119918| title=Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin}} [[Category:1997 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] hf35jtrfp1tsatfj6lszghpthekj4q1 0 48352 3944253 3927202 2026-05-22T18:40:32Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Trinity College Cambridge faculty]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944253 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Smibert - Bishop George Berkeley - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|[[Truth]] is the cry of all, but the [[game]] of the few.]] '''[[w:George_Berkeley|George Berkeley]]''' ([[12 March]] [[1685]] – [[14 January]] [[1753]]), also known as '''Bishop Berkeley''', was an influential [[Irish]] [[philosopher]] whose primary philosophical achievement is the advancement of a theory he called "[[w:immaterialism|immaterialism]]" (later referred to as "[[w:subjective idealism|subjective idealism]]" by others). == Quotes == * '''Westward the course of empire takes its way; <br /> The four first acts already past, <br /> A fifth shall close the drama with the day: <br /> [[Time]]'s [[noblest]] offspring is the last.''' ** ''On the Prospect of Planting Arts and Learning in America'' (written in 1726<!--http://www.berkeleyhistoricalsociety.org/history-notes/bishop-george-berkeley.html-->), reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919); comparable to: "Westward the star of empire takes its way", ''Epigraph to Bancroft's History of the United States''; "What worlds in the yet unformed Occident / May come refin'd with th' accents that are ours?", [[Samuel Daniel]], ''Musophilus'' (1599), Stanza 163 ** According to [[W. Cleon Skousen]], the first four empires are the Neo-Babylonian Empire, the Persian Empire, the Macedonian Empire, and the (Western, Eastern, and Holy) Roman Empire (''Gospel Diamond Dust, Volume Two'', Verity Publishing, 1998) *Our [[youth]] we can have but to-day, <br /> We may always find time to grow old. **''Can Love be controlled by Advice?'', reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). *And what are these same evanescent Increments? They are neither finite Quantities nor Quantities infinitely small, nor yet nothing. May we not call them the Ghosts of departed Quantities? **quoted in C. K. Raju, ''Cultural Foundations of Mathematics'', [https://archive.org/details/culturalfoundati0000raju/page/214/mode/2up Vol. 10, Pt. 4]: ''The Nature of Mathematical Proof and the Transmission of the Calculus from India to Europe'' (India: Pearson Longman, 2007) *It is said, that the minutest Errors are not to be neglected in Mathematics: that the Fluxions are...not proportional to the finite Increments though ever so small; but only to. . . nascent Increments. . . And. . . there be other Fluxions, which Fluxions of Fluxions are called second Fluxions. And the Fluxions of these sec- ond Fluxions are called third Fluxions: and so on, fourth, fifth, sixth, &c. ad in- finitum. Now as our Sense is strained and puzzled with the perception of Objects extremely minute, even so the Imagination, which Faculty derives from Sense, is very much strained and puzzled to frame clear Ideas of the least Particles of time, or the least Increments generated therein. . And it seems. . to. . . exceed, if I mistake not, all Humane Understanding. The further the Mind analyseth and pursueth these fugitive Ideas, the more it is lost and bewildered; the Objects, at first fleeting and minute, soon vanishing out of sight. Certainly in any Sense a second or third Fluxion seems an obscure Mystery. The incipient Celerity of an incipient Celerity, the nascent Augment of a nascent Augment, i.e. of a thing which hath no Magnitude: ‘Take it in which light you please, the clear Conception of it will, if I mistake not, be found impossible. . And if a second Fluxion be inconceivable, what are we to think of third, fourth, fifth Fluxions, and so onward without end? ... They suppose finite Quantities to consist of Parts infinitely little... Now to conceive a Quantity infinitely small, that is, infinitely less than any sensible or imaginable Quantity, or any the least finite Magnitude, is, I confess, above my Capacity. But to conceive a Part of such infinitely small Quantity, that shall be still infinitely less than it, and consequently though multiply’d infinitely shall never equal the minutest finite Quantity, is, I suspect, an infinite Difficulty to any Man whatsoever; and will be allowed such by those who candidly say what they think; provided they really think and reflect, and do not take things upon trust. **quoted in C. K. Raju, ''Cultural Foundations of Mathematics'', [https://archive.org/details/culturalfoundati0000raju/page/214/mode/2up Vol. 10, Pt. 4]: ''The Nature of Mathematical Proof and the Transmission of the Calculus from India to Europe'' (India: Pearson Longman, 2007) *For Science it cannot be called, when you proceed blindfold, and arrive at the Truth not knowing how or by what means. **quoted in C. K. Raju, ''Cultural Foundations of Mathematics'', [https://archive.org/details/culturalfoundati0000raju/page/214/mode/2up Vol. 10, Pt. 4]: ''The Nature of Mathematical Proof and the Transmission of the Calculus from India to Europe'' (India: Pearson Longman, 2007) === ''[[w:De Motu (Berkeley's essay)|De Motu]]'' (1721) === :<small>As translated by A. A. Luce</small> * In the pursuit of truth we must beware of being misled by terms which we do not rightly understand. That is the chief point. Almost all philosophers utter the caution; few observe it. ** Paragraph 1 * For no one's authority ought to rank so high as to set a value on his words and terms even though nothing clear and determinate lies behind them. ** Paragraph 1 * Solicitation and effort or conation belong properly to animate beings alone. When they are attributed to other things, they must be taken in a metaphorical sense; but a philosopher should abstain from metaphor. ** Paragraph 3 * Abstract terms (however useful they may be in argument) should be discarded in meditation, and the mind should be fixed on the particular and the concrete, that is, on the things themselves. ** Paragraph 4 === ''Siris'' (1744) === :<small>Siris, a chain of philosophical reflections and inquiries, concerning the virtues of tar-water (1744)</small> *[Tar water] is of a nature so mild and benign and proportioned to the human constitution, as to warm without heating, to cheer but not inebriate. ** Paragraph 217; comparable to: "Cups / That cheer but not inebriate", [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'', book iv, reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) * '''[[Truth]] is the cry of all, but the [[game]] of the few.''' ** Paragraph 368 === ''[[w:A Treatise Concerning the Principles of Human Knowledge|A Treatise Concerning the Principles of Human Knowledge]]'' (1710) === :<small>''[[s:A Treatise Concerning the Principles of Human Knowledge|A Treatise Concerning the Principles of Human Knowledge]]'' (1710) at Wikisource</small> * That we have first rais'd a Dust, and then complain, we cannot see. * That neither our Thoughts, nor Passions, nor Ideas formed by the Imagination, exist without the Mind, is what every Body will allow. And it seems no less evident that the various Sensations or Ideas imprinted on the Sense... cannot exist otherwise than in a Mind perceiving them... For as to what is said of the absolute Existence of unthinking Things without any relation to their being perceived, that seems perfectly unintelligible. Their '''Esse is Percipi''', nor is it possible they should have any Existence, out of the Minds or thinking Things which perceive them.<ref>[https://librivox.org/berkeleys-treatise/ ''A Treatise Concerning the Principles of Human Knowledge''. George Berkeley. "On the Principles of Human Knowledge" Part I, § 3 on librivox.org]</ref> === ''[[w:Three Dialogues between Hylas and Philonous|Three Dialogues between Hylas and Philonous]]'' (1713) === [[File:Wasser und Licht 1.JPG|thumb|Doth the [[reality]] of sensible things consist in being [[perceived]]? or, is it something distinct from their being perceived, and that bears no relation to the [[mind]]?]] :<small>''[[s:Three Dialogues Between Hylas and Philonous|Three Dialogues between Hylas and Philonous]]'' (1713) at Wikisource</small> * I entirely agree with you, as to the ill tendency of the affected doubts of some philosophers, and fantastical conceit of others. I am even so far gone of late in this way of think, that I have quitted several of the sublime notions I had got in their schools for vulgar opinions. And I give it you on my word, since this revolt from metaphysical notions to the plain dictates of nature and common sense, I find my understanding strangely enlightened, so that I can now easily comprehend a great many thing which before were all mystery and riddle. ** Said by Philonous (Berkeley) to Hylas in the opening of dialog 1 with reference to the recent surge philosophic endeavors (Locke, Newton, et al) that seemed to lead to skepticism about the existence of the world. * That there is no such thing as what philosophers call material substance, I am seriously persuaded: but if I were made to see any thing absurd or skeptical in this, I should then have the same reason to renounce this, that I imagine I have now to reject the contrary opinion. ** Philonous to Hylas * Doth the reality of sensible things consist in being perceived? or, is it something distinct from their being perceived, and that bears no relation to the mind? ** Philonous to Hylas * Seeing therefore they are both [heat and pain] immediately perceived at the same time, and the fire affects you only with one simple, or uncompounded idea, it follows that this same simple idea is both the intense heat immediately perceived, and the pain;and consequently, that the intense heat immediately perceived, is nothing distinct from a particular sort of pain. ** Philonous to Hylas * Since therefore, as well those degrees of heat that are not painful, as those that are, can exist in a thinking substance; may we not conclude that external bodies are absolutely incapable of any degree of heat whatsoever? ** Philonous to Hylas. Hylas replies with, "So it seems". * '''Few men think; yet all have opinions.''' ** Philonous to Hylas. The Second Dialogue. This appears in a passage first added in the third edition, (1734) * We indeed, who are beings of finite powers, are forced to make use of instruments. And the use of an instrument sheweth the agent to be limited by rules of another’s prescription, and that he cannot obtain his end but in such a way, and by such conditions. Whence it seems a clear consequence, that the supreme unlimited agent useth no tool or instrument at all. The will of an Omnipotent Spirit is no sooner exerted than executed, without the application of means; which, if they are employed by inferior agents, it is not upon account of any real efficacy that is in them, or necessary aptitude to produce any effect, but merely in compliance with the laws of nature, or those conditions prescribed to them by the First Cause, who is Himself above all limitation or prescription whatsoever. ** Philonous to Hylas. The Second Dialogue ==Quotes about Berkeley== * We stood talking for some time together of Bishop Berkeley's ingenious sophistry to prove the non-existence of matter, and that every thing in the universe is merely ideal. I observed, that though we are satisfied his doctrine is not true, it is impossible to refute it. I never shall forget the alacrity with which Johnson answered, striking his foot with mighty force against a large stone, till he rebounded from it, "'''I refute it ''thus''!'''" ** [[James Boswell]], anecdote of an event of 6 August 1763, in ''The Life of Samuel Johnson'' (1791), Vol. I * Berkeley, [[David Hume|Hume]], [[Immanuel Kant|Kant]], [[Johann Gottlieb Fichte|Fichte]], [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel]], [[William James|James]], [[Henri Bergson|Bergson]] all are united in one earnest attempt, the attempt to reinstate man with his high spiritual claims in a place of importance in the [[cosmic]] scheme. ** [[Edwin Arthur Burtt]], ''[[The Metaphysical Foundations of Modern Physical Science]]'' (1925) * When Bishop Berkeley said 'there was no matter,' <br /> And proved it—'twas no matter what he said. ** [[Lord Byron]], ''[[Don Juan (Byron)|Don Juan]]'' (1818–1824), Canto XI, stanza 1 * '''When men follow this blind and powerful instinct of nature, they always suppose the very images, presented by the senses, to be the external objects, and never entertain any suspicion, that the one are nothing but representations of the other.''' ...This argument is drawn from Dr. Berkeley; and indeed most of the writings of that very ingenious author form the best lessons of [[scepticism]] which are to be found either among the ancient or modern philosophers, [[Bayle]] not excepted. He professes, however, in his title page (and undoubtedly with great truth) to have composed his book against the sceptics as well as against the [[atheists]] and [[free-thinkers]]. '''But that all his arguments, though otherwise intended, are, in reality, merely sceptical, appears from this, that they admit of no answer and produce no conviction.''' Their only effect is to cause that momentary amazement and irresolution and confusion, which is the result of scepticism. ** [[David Hume]], ''[[An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding]]'', Ch. XI * There once was a man who said, '[[God]] <br /> Must think it exceedingly odd <br /> If he finds that this [[tree]] <br /> Continues to be <br /> When there's no one about in the Quad.'<!--<p>Reply: <br /> Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd; <br /> I am always about in the Quad; <br /> And that's why the tree <br /> Will continue to be, <br /> Since observed by Yours faithfully, God.--> ** [[Ronald Knox]], quoted in ''The Complete Limerick Book'' (1924) * Berkeley Bishop of Cloyne was a man of first-rate talents, distinguished as a metaphysician, a philosopher, and a divine. His geometrical knowledge, however, which, for an attack on the {{w|method of fluxions}}, was more essential than all his other accomplishments, seems to have been little more than elementary. The motive which induced him to enter on discussions so remotely connected with his usual pursuits has been variously represented; but whatever it was, it gave rise to {{w|the Analyst}}, in which the author professes to demonstrate, that the new analysis is inaccurate in its principles, and that, if it ever lead to true conclusions, it is from an accidental compensation of errors that cannot be supposed always to take place. The argument is ingeniously and plausibly conducted, and the author sometimes attempts ridicule with better success than could be expected from the subject; thus when he calls [[w:Limit (mathematics)|ultimate ratios]] the ''ghosts of departed quantities'', it is not easy to conceive a witty saying more happily fastened on a mere mathematical abstraction. ** {{w|John Playfair}}, ''The Works of John Playfair Esq.'' Vol. 2, ''Dissertation, exhibiting a general view of the progress of mathematical and physical science since the revival of letters in Europe'' (1822) [https://books.google.com/books?id=GgEKAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA321 pp. 321-322] * Berkeley, after abolishing matter, is only saved from complete subjectivism by a use of [[God]] which most subsequent philosophers have regarded as illegitimate. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), Book Three, "Modern Philosophy", Part I, "From the Renaissance to Hume", Ch. I: "General Characteristics", p. 494 * '''George Berkeley … is important in philosophy through his denial of the existence of matter—a denial which he supported by a number of ingenious arguments.''' He maintained that material objects only exist through being perceived. To the objection that, in that case, a tree, for instance, would cease to exist if no one was looking at it, he replied that God always perceives everything; if there were no God, what we take to be material objects would have a jerky life, suddenly leaping into being when we look at them; but as it is, owing to God’s perceptions, trees and rocks and stones have an existence as continuous as common sense supposes. This is, in his opinion, a weighty argument for the existence of God. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., Ch. XVI: "Berkeley", p. 647 * Berkeley advances valid arguments in favour of a certain important conclusion, though not quite in favour of the conclusion that he thinks he is proving. He thinks he is proving that all reality is mental; '''what he is proving is that we perceive qualities, not things, and that qualities are relative to the percipient.''' ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., XVI, pp. 648-649 * Berkeley’s argument consists of two parts. On the one hand, he argues that we do not perceive material things, but only colours, sounds, etc., and that these are “mental” or “in the mind.” His reasoning is completely cogent as to the first point, but as to the second it suffers from the absence of any definition of the word “mental.” He relies, in fact, upon the received view that everything must be either material or mental, and that nothing is both. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., XVI, p. 651 * Berkeley discusses the view that we must distinguish the act of perceiving from the object perceived, and that the former is mental while the latter is not. His argument against this view is obscure, and necessarily so, since, for one who believes in mental substance, as Berkeley does, there is no valid means of refuting it. He says: “That any immediate object of the senses should exist in an unthinking substance, or exterior to all minds, is in itself an evident contradiction.” There is here a fallacy, analogous to the following: “It is impossible for a nephew to exist without an uncle; now Mr. A is a nephew; therefore it is logically necessary for Mr. A to have an uncle.” It is, of course, logically necessary given that Mr. A is a nephew, but not from anything to be discovered by analysis of Mr. A. So, if something is an object of the senses, some mind is concerned with it; but it does not follow that the same thing could not have existed without being an object of the senses. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., XVI, pp. 651-652 * Schematically, the argument is as follows. Berkeley says: “Sensible objects must be sensible. A is a sensible object. Therefore A must be sensible.” But if “must” indicates logical necessity, the argument is only valid if A must be a sensible object. The argument does not prove that, from the properties of A other than its being sensible, it can be deduced that A is sensible. It does not prove, for example, that colours intrinsically indistinguishable from those that we see may not exist unseen. We may believe on physiological grounds that this does not occur, but such grounds are empirical; so far as logic is concerned, there is no reason why there should not be colours where there is no eye or brain. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., XVI, p. 653 * I come now to Berkeley’s empirical arguments. To begin with, '''it is a sign of weakness to combine empirical and logical arguments, for the latter, if valid, make the former superfluous.''' [''Footnote:'' E.g., "I was not drunk last night. I had only had two glasses; besides, it is well known that I am a teetotaller."] If I am contending that a square cannot be round, I shall not appeal to the fact that no Square in any known city is round. But as we have rejected the logical arguments, it becomes necessary to consider the empirical arguments on their merits. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., XVI, p. 653 * In the second Dialogue Philonous sums up the discussion, so far as it has gone, in the words: “Besides spirits, all that we know or conceive are our own ideas.” He ought not, of course, to make an exception for spirits, since it is just as impossible to know spirit as to know matter. The arguments, in fact, are almost identical in both cases. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., XVI, p. 654 * Berkeley, as we have seen, thinks that there are logical reasons proving that only minds and mental events can exist. This view, on other grounds, is also held by [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Hegel]] and his followers. I believe this to be a complete mistake. Such a statement as “there was a time before life existed on this planet,” whether true or false, cannot be condemned on grounds of logic, any more than “there are multiplication sums which no one will have ever worked out.” To be observed, or to be a percept, is merely to have effects of certain kinds, and there is no logical reason why all events should have effects of these kinds. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), III, I., XVI, p. 657 * '''Berkeley was... the first to treat the subjective starting-point really seriously and to demonstrate irrefutably its absolute necessity. He is the father of [[idealism]]'''. ** [[Arthur Schopenhauer]], in ''Parerga and Paralipomena'', Vol. I, "Fragments for the History of Philosophy" * Bishop Berkeley destroyed this [[world]] in one volume octavo; and nothing remained after his time, but [[mind]]—which experienced a similar fate from the hand of [[David Hume|Mr. Hume]], in 1737. ** [[Sydney Smith]], ''Sketches of Moral Philosophy'' (1850), Introduction * '''(Berkeley) gave the impression that he too was a victim, that he took the assertion ''"Mind is a substance"'' in a literal''' sense, that he thought that the soul was actually a ''"substance"'' ''"in"'' which ideas ''"inhere"'' and which ''"supports"'' the ideas, ect. hence the expression ''"in the mind"''.... Berkeley had a purely substantivalist conception of the mind, confirmed by his private utterances. ** [[Colin Murray Turbayne]], ''"Berkeley's Two Concepts of Mind (Part II)"'' (1962),<ref>[https://www.jstor.org/stable/2104426 Turbayne, Colin Murray. "Berkeley's Two Concepts of Mind (Part II)"] ''Philosophy and Phenomenological Research'', Vol. 22, No. 3 (March 1962) pp. 383-386 on JSTOR.ORG]</ref> p. 383 * '''And [[God]]-appointed Berkeley that [[proved]] all things a [[dream]], <br /> That this [[pragmatical]], preposterous pig of a world, its farrow that so solid seem, <br /> [[Must]] vanish on the instant if the mind but [[change]] its theme'''; ** [[W.B. Yeats]], from 'Blood and the Moon' in ''The Winding Stair'' (1929) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons category}} * [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/berkeley/ "George Berkeley" at the ''Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy''] * [http://www.utm.edu/research/iep/b/berkeley.htm George Berkeley] article by Daniel E. Flage in the [http://www.iep.utm.edu/ Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy] * [http://internationalberkeleysociety.org/ International Berkeley Society] * [http://arquivo.pt/wayback/20160518110917/http://georgeberkeley.tamu.edu/links.html A list of the published works by and about Berkeley as well as online links] * [http://tigger.uic.edu/~hilbert/Images%20of%20Berkeley/Berk_life.htm Berkeley's Life and Works] * {{Gutenberg author |id=Berkeley,+George}} * [http://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/authors/pers00079.shtml George Berkeley at the Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive (ECPA)] * [http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A3472986 Another perspective on how Berkeley framed his immaterialism] * [http://www.maths.tcd.ie/pub/HistMath/People/Berkeley/Analyst/ Original texts and discussion concerning ''The Analyst'' controversy] * {{MacTutor Biography|id=Berkeley}} * [http://www.earlymoderntexts.com Contains more easily readable versions of New Theory of Vision, Principles of Human Knowledge, Three Dialogues, and Alciphron] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20160408044045/http://lhldigital.lindahall.org/cdm/ref/collection/math/id/18283 Berkeley's ''The Analyst'' (1734)] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20060107025423/http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/~ursa/philos/berkeley.htm An extensive compendium of online resources, including a gallery of Berkeley's images] * [http://www.hist-analytic.com/Broadberkeley.pdf Berkeley's Argument About Material Substance (1942) ] by [[C. D. Broad]] * [http://www.ditext.com/broad/bdms.html Berkeley's Denial of Material Substance (1954)] by [[C. D. Broad]], in ''The Philosophical Review'' Vol. LXIII (1954) * [http://mind.ucsd.edu/ Rick Grush] syllabus [https://web.archive.org/web/20110720080712/http://mind.ucsd.edu/syllabi/99_00/Empiricism/!syllabus.html Empiricism (J. Locke, G. Berkeley, D. Hume)] {{DEFAULTSORT:Berkeley, George}} [[Category:Academics from Ireland]] [[Category:Philosophers from Ireland]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Anglican bishops]] [[Category:Anglican saints]] [[Category:1685 births]] [[Category:1753 deaths]] [[Category:Enlightenment]] [[Category:Christian philosophers]] [[Category:Philosophical idealists]] [[Category:Theologians from Ireland]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Ireland]] [[Category:Trinity College Cambridge faculty]] 22b43wyyzvl7c3suqemqgg6yy8my5pg 0 52664 3944309 3940747 2026-05-23T00:31:08Z ~2026-28041-95 3317132 /* Mother Tucker */ 3944309 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Stewie Loves Lois|Stewie Loves Lois]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? :'''Peter''': ''[slowly]'' I was raped. :'''Lois''' ''[chuckles]'' What? :'''Peter''': Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. :'''Lois''': ''[chuckles harder]'' What? ''[Peter whispers in her ear; annoyed]'' Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. :'''Peter''': You sound just like him! ''[runs off, sobbing]'' :'''Lois''': Fuckin' idiot. <hr width=50%/> :''[At the Drunken Clams tavern]'' :'''Cleveland''': Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. :'''Peter''': Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! ''[accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]'' :'''Cleveland''': ''[solemnly]'' Peter, it's okay. :'''Peter''': It's not okay! You don't know what it's like! :'''Cleveland''': You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts. :'''Peter''': ''[stops crying; shocked]'' He...he did it to you, too? :'''Quagmire''': I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation! :'''Joe''': You guys are a bunch of queers. ''[leaves, then comes back crying]'' And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH! :'''Peter''': My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter. ===''[[w:Mother Tucker|Mother Tucker]]''=== :[[Kramer vs. Kramer|''[at dinner]''<br>'''Peter''': I want some ice cream.<br>'''Pumbaa''': No, Peter, you finish your food! ''[Peter, who is not listening, takes his chair to the fridge, much to his dismay]'' Hey! You get back here right now, mister. ''[Peter stands on the chair and reaches for the freezer]'' No! Get down from that chair, or you're in big trouble. ''[Peter opens the freezer and extracts a carton of ice cream]'' You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. ''[Peter closes the freezer, comes back down with the ice cream, and takes his seat]'' I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. ''[Peter removes the lid from the carton and is about to eat one scoop]'' Hey! If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. ''[Peter slowly takes a bite of the ice cream, then Pumbaa zips toward him and spanks him repeatedly; Peter cries in agony]''<br>'''Peter''': I hate you, I hate you, I want my mommy!<br>'''Pumbaa''': ''[drags him out of the kitchen]'' Well, I'm the best you've got!]] ===''[[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|Hell Comes to Quahog]]''=== :'''Horace''': Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink. :'''Joe''': No! :'''Quagmire''': Oh, we're just getting started! :'''Cleveland''': Meg is my least favorite of all your children. :'''Peter''': It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? ''[nobody answers]'' Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus. :'''Cleveland''': I'm that kind of drunk. :'''Peter''': ''[throws Cleveland the car keys]'' Shotgun! <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': So, how was work today, Meg? ''[Peter angrily raspberries]'' Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. ''[Peter angrily raspberries again]'' And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg." :'''Brian''': ''[Peter angrily raspberries yet again]'' So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? ''[Peter angrily raspberries again]'' :'''Chris''': ''[laughs]'' Meg! ''[Peter angrily raspberries again]'' MEG! ''[Peter angrily raspberries even louder]'' Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! ''[Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly]'' Meg... ''[Peter angrily raspberries quietly]'' :'''Meg''': I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! ''[Peter whispers into Brian's ear]'' :'''Brian''': Yeah, like she'd get paid for that. :'''Meg''': What did he just say to you? :'''Brian''': Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. ''[Peter raspberries again]'' ===''[[w:Saving Private Brian|Saving Private Brian]]''=== :''[deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn]'' :'''Quagmire''': Hey, Chris, what's going on? :'''Chris''': Give me your car keys. :'''Quagmire''': Huh? What for? :'''Chris''': ''[furiously]'' I said '''''GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!!''''' ''[starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him]'' It didn't have to ''be'' this way, Glenn! ''[takes Quagmire's car keys]'' You should've given me your keys. ''[gets in Quagmire's car and drives off]'' :'''Peter''': ''[enters the scene]'' Quagmire, what the hell happened to you? :'''Quagmire''': Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass! :'''Peter''': Meg did this? :'''Quagmire''': No, you dummy, ''Chris!'' He came over here, beat the crap out of me and took my car! :'''Peter''': Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him. ===''[[w:Whistle While Your Wife Works|Whistle While Your Wife Works]]''=== :''[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]'' :'''Peter''': Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" ''[the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone]'' HOLY CRAP! ''[he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]'' :'''Lois''': OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS! :'''Joe''': ''[enters]'' What happened? ''[sees Peter's hand; shocked]'' OH, MY GOD! :'''Stewie''': You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. ''[taps his empty cup]'' Bone dry. :'''Chris''': ''[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair]'' There's one of Dad's fingers! :'''Meg''': We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached! :'''Cleveland''': ''[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair]'' What's all the commotion? <hr width=50%/> :'''Stewie''': Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her? :'''Jillian''': Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him! :'''Stewie''': ''[to Brian]'' Is she retarded? :'''Brian''': Can you please leave now?! :'''Stewie''': Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts. :'''Brian''': Shut up! That's not it at all! ===''[[w:Prick Up Your Ears (Family Guy)|Prick Up Your Ears]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[reading Meg's sex pamphlet]'' "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate! :'''Meg''': Abstinent. :'''Peter''': Absent. :'''Meg''': Abstinent. :'''Peter''': You're grounded. ===''[[w:Chick Cancer|Chick Cancer]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie are sitting on the couch in the living room]'' :'''Brian''': Hey, where's Olivia? :'''Stewie''': Oh, she's probably up at the house. [[Good Will Hunting|<br>'''Brian''': Stewie.<br>'''Stewie''': Yeah?<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': What?<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': I know.<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': I know. ''[squints his eyes, confused with what Brian is trying to tell him]''<br>'''Brian''': No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.<br>''[They get off the couch and face each other]''<br>'''Stewie''': Don't do this to me, man! Not you, man!<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': ''[on the verge of tears]'' Screw you! Cut it out, man! <br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': ''[starts crying and Brian hugs him]'' Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard!]]'' :''[They let go]'' :'''Brian''': Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. (Stewie stops crying and dries his tears) :'''Stewie''': You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? :'''Brian''': Well, you'd be a black man. :'''Stewie''': ''[shocked]'' Wow! Wow! Whoa! What was that!? :'''Brian''': Ah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That was my father talking! :'''Stewie''': You, um... You gotta work on that, man. Bad dog. ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': So what happened? :'''Stewie''': Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? :'''Brian''': They do, it's called being gay. :'''Stewie''': Oh, ''that's'' what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that. ===''[[w:Barely Legal (Family Guy)|Barely Legal]]''=== :''[Lois is sitting on the couch reading a book when Peter calls her from outside]'' :'''Peter''': Lois, can you come out here for a second? :''[Lois opens the door and sees Peter sitting on top of a giraffe]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? :'''Lois''': Peter, what is that!? :'''Peter''': Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. :'''Lois''': Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law. :'''Peter''': Sure I can, I've been doing it all week. :'''Lois''': Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately! :'''Peter''': Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney? :''[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]'' :'''Quagmire''': ''[from inside the house]'' Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here! :''[the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]'' :'''Cleveland''': What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! ''[Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground]'' I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans... <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. :'''Morris''': WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND! :'''Brian''': I will never be attracted to you. :'''Morris''': I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU! :'''Brian''': You're acting like a psycho bitch. :'''Morris''': YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH! :'''Brian''': Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. :'''Morris''': GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW! :''[Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]'' :'''Meg''': ''[sternly]'' I won't be ignored, Brian. :''[Morris reappears]'' :'''Morris''': Mmm, I like your ass. ===''[[w:Road to Rupert|Road to Rupert]]''=== :'''Brian''': How are we gonna get out of here? :'''Stewie''': You still got the starting gun? :'''Brian''': Yeah. :'''Stewie''': Give it to me. ''[Brian hands Stewie his starting gun. Scene changes to the green car stopping at the traffic light. He pops up with starting gun aimed at the driver.]'' '''''GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, RIGHT NOW, MAN!''''' ''[smashes the driver-side door window]'' '''''GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!''''' :''[The driver screams in terror, Brian pulls the driver out of the car, then he and Stewie gets in to drive away back to Quahog.]'' :'''Brian''': Did we just carjack someone? :'''Stewie''': We sure did, Brian. We sure did. ===''[[w:Peter's Two Dads|Peter's Two Dads]]''=== :''[Stewie opens Meg's birthday presents]'' :'''Stewie''': Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD? :'''Cleveland''': You're welcome. :'''Lois''': Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts! :'''Stewie''': These are mine, you hear me? MINE! :'''Lois''': Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day. :'''Stewie''': I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall. :''[cutaway]'' :'''Asian Santa''': What you want? What you want for Christmas? :'''Stewie''': Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y... :'''Asian Santa''': Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! ''[he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it]'' What you want? :'''Asian Kid''': Fire truck! :'''Asian Santa''': What color? :'''Asian Kid''': Red! :'''Asian Santa''': Next! :'''Asian Kid''': ''[As he is thrown off Santa]'' AHHH! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': ''[realizing''] Oh my god. Lois, You're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again! :''[Cut to Peter Griffin sitting on a couch and lightning the bong to do crack.]'' :'''Brian''': ''[Entering the living room]'' Peter, what are you doing? :'''Peter''': Crack. :'''Brian''': ''[furiously]'' What the ''fuck!?'' :'''Peter''': Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. :'''Brian''': Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? :'''Peter''': From Black's. :'''Brian''': What? :'''Peter''': Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it. :'''Brian''': Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, ''[hands Peter a paper]'' this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. :'''Peter''': ''[hesitantly]'' Alright, Brian... :'''Brian''': Good. :''[As soon Brian walks away, Peter Griffin resumes doing crack. Cut to Brian re-entering the living room later.]'' :'''Brian''': Hey Peter, just thought I'd checked on you- ''[sees a stoned shirtless Peter now clutching to the couch cushion.]'' Oh ''my'' '''''God!''''' :'''Peter''': '''''GOV'MENT CAME AND TOOK MAH BAAAAABY!''''' ===''[[w:The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou|The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou]]''=== :'''Peter''': Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. :'''Kyle''': ''[mocking Peter]'' "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!" :'''Peter''': Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong. :'''Kyle''': "What you did the other day was wrong!" :'''Peter''': You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. :'''Kyle''': "You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." :'''Peter''': Shut up, Kyle. :'''Kyle''': "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts." :'''Peter''': Kyle, I said shut up. :'''Kyle''': You're a poop-nose. :''[Peter loses his temper and beats up Kyle]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Fulcher''': What are you doin' here? :'''Peter''': I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son, Chris, is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashioned father-son beat-off. :'''Chris''': Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. :'''Fulcher''': Yeah, I have MS. :'''Peter''': Oh, ya hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now you really got me mad. ===''[[w:Airport '07|Airport '07]]''=== :'''TV Announcer #1''': We now return to Carl Sagan's ''Cosmos''. :'''TV Announcer #2''': Edited for rednecks. :'''Sagan''': I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Hundreds and hundreds of years old. :'''Sagan''': Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Gooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddd. :'''Sagan''': -ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Jesus- :'''Sagan''': -annosaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made. <hr width="50%/> :'''West''': "You know," said my pet goat, "I'm sure if I watched ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]'', I'd like it, but I just don't have the time." ''[one of his agents walks in and whispers in his ear. Camera zooms in to him, he looks around and continues reading]'' "You should make the time," said the farmer. ===''[[w:Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey|Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]'' :'''Brian''': How do you think it works? :'''Stewie''': I have no idea. :'''Brian''': Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me. :'''Stewie''': All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out. :'''Brian''': What's that big back part? :'''Stewie''': Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him. :'''Brian''': I wonder what this thing is for. :'''Stewie''': Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does. :'''Brian''': ''[sighs]'' All right, here goes. :'''Stewie''': Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful... :''[the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]'' ===''[[w:No Meals on Wheels| No Meals on Wheels]]''=== :'''Announcer''': We now return to ''America's Next Top Model''. :''[in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]'' :'''Model''': I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up. :'''Banks''': You know what? How dare you! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, ''[furiously screaming at the top of her lungs]'' HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOOOW! :''[a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]'' ===''[[w:Boys Do Cry| Boys Do Cry]]''=== :'''Chris''' Where are we going? :'''Stewie''': Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. :'''Lois''': We're goin' to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. :'''Brian''': Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. :''[cutaway]'' :'''Sneakers O'Toole''': ''I'm not takin' my sneakers off / I am Sneakers O'Toole.'' :'''Man #1''': Hey! Take those sneakers off! :'''Sneakers''': No! :'''Man #1''': Take 'em off, I said! :'''Sneakers''': No! ''[runs off]'' :'''Man #2''': Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in ''these'' shoes. :'''Sneakers''': ''I didn't take my sneakers off / I'm still Sneakers O'Toole.'' <hr width="50%"> :''[the horse barges in and stops Peter's execution]'' :'''Peter''': Horsey! You saved my life! :'''Horsey''': ''[in Gilbert Gottfried's voice]'' No problem, Peter! Glad to help out. :'''Peter''': Wow! Gilbert Gottfried! :'''Horsey''': That's right! :'''Peter''': Awesome! ===''[[w:No Chris Left Behind| No Chris Left Behind]]''=== :'''Peter''': Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? :'''Giant Chicken''': You know, I've completely forgotten. :'''Peter''': Me too. :'''Giant Chicken''': [[w:Da Boom|Something about a coupon]]... :'''Peter''': I cannot, for the life of me, remember... :'''Giant Chicken''': Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you. :'''Peter''': No, no, no. I'm alright. :'''Giant Chicken''': But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner? :'''Peter''': Well, that sounds lovely. ===''[[w:It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One| It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One]]''=== :''[Lois is in the mayoral debate, the crowd is asking her questions]'' :'''Principal Shepherd''': Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? :'''Lois''': A lot. :''[crowd claps]'' :'''Lois''': ...because that's what Jesus wants. :''[crowd claps]'' :'''Lois''': 9/11 was bad. :''[crowd claps and cheers]'' :'''Lois''': ''[to herself]'' God, I can't believe how easy this is. :'''Dr. Hartman''': Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? :'''Lois''': 9/11. :''[crowd claps and cheers]'' :'''Angela''': Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? :'''Lois''': Nine... :'''Crowd''': ''[confused]'' Hmm? :'''Lois''': Eleven. :''[crowd gives standing ovation]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': Hey, you guys. :'''Chris''': Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while. :'''Lois''': What? :'''Chris''': What? ===''[[w:Meet the Quagmires| Meet the Quagmires]]''=== :''[The opening to ''[[The Jetsons]]'' is shown, however when Jane takes George's wallet, he stops her from leaving the flying car]'' :'''George Jetson''': Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you! You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet just so you can go shopping! :'''Jane Jetson''': I was just going to buy some groceries. :'''George Jetson''': Bullshit! == External links == {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} * {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}} * [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com] * [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes] [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] jvzztk025ttvprrixfa178mzfb3fvgp 3944310 3944309 2026-05-23T00:31:25Z أوس 3226144 Undid edits by [[Special:Contribs/~2026-28041-95|~2026-28041-95]] ([[User talk:~2026-28041-95|talk]]) to last version by ~2026-29181-62: reverting vandalism 3944310 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:FOX|FOX]] in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. ===''[[w:Stewie Loves Lois|Stewie Loves Lois]]''=== :'''Lois''': Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? :'''Peter''': ''[slowly]'' I was raped. :'''Lois''' ''[chuckles]'' What? :'''Peter''': Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. :'''Lois''': ''[chuckles harder]'' What? ''[Peter whispers in her ear; annoyed]'' Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. :'''Peter''': You sound just like him! ''[runs off, sobbing]'' :'''Lois''': Fuckin' idiot. <hr width=50%/> :''[At the Drunken Clams tavern]'' :'''Cleveland''': Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself. :'''Peter''': Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! ''[accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]'' :'''Cleveland''': ''[solemnly]'' Peter, it's okay. :'''Peter''': It's not okay! You don't know what it's like! :'''Cleveland''': You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts. :'''Peter''': ''[stops crying; shocked]'' He...he did it to you, too? :'''Quagmire''': I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation! :'''Joe''': You guys are a bunch of queers. ''[leaves, then comes back crying]'' And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH! :'''Peter''': My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter. ===''[[w:Mother Tucker|Mother Tucker]]''=== :[[Kramer vs. Kramer|''[at dinner]''<br>'''Peter''': I want some ice cream.<br>'''Tom''': No, Peter, you finish your food! ''[Peter, who is not listening, takes his chair to the fridge, much to his dismay]'' Hey! You get back here right now, mister. ''[Peter stands on the chair and reaches for the freezer]'' No! Get down from that chair, or you're in big trouble. ''[Peter opens the freezer and extracts a carton of ice cream]'' You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it. ''[Peter closes the freezer, comes back down with the ice cream, and takes his seat]'' I am not kidding around. I am not gonna say it again. ''[Peter removes the lid from the carton and is about to eat one scoop]'' Hey! If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man. ''[Peter slowly takes a bite of the ice cream, then Tom zips toward him and spanks him repeatedly; Peter cries in agony]''<br>'''Peter''': I hate you, I hate you, I want my mommy!<br>'''Tom''': ''[drags him out of the kitchen]'' Well, I'm the best you've got!]] ===''[[w:Hell Comes to Quahog|Hell Comes to Quahog]]''=== :'''Horace''': Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink. :'''Joe''': No! :'''Quagmire''': Oh, we're just getting started! :'''Cleveland''': Meg is my least favorite of all your children. :'''Peter''': It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? ''[nobody answers]'' Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus. :'''Cleveland''': I'm that kind of drunk. :'''Peter''': ''[throws Cleveland the car keys]'' Shotgun! <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': So, how was work today, Meg? ''[Peter angrily raspberries]'' Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. ''[Peter angrily raspberries again]'' And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg." :'''Brian''': ''[Peter angrily raspberries yet again]'' So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? ''[Peter angrily raspberries again]'' :'''Chris''': ''[laughs]'' Meg! ''[Peter angrily raspberries again]'' MEG! ''[Peter angrily raspberries even louder]'' Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! ''[Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly]'' Meg... ''[Peter angrily raspberries quietly]'' :'''Meg''': I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! ''[Peter whispers into Brian's ear]'' :'''Brian''': Yeah, like she'd get paid for that. :'''Meg''': What did he just say to you? :'''Brian''': Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. ''[Peter raspberries again]'' ===''[[w:Saving Private Brian|Saving Private Brian]]''=== :''[deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn]'' :'''Quagmire''': Hey, Chris, what's going on? :'''Chris''': Give me your car keys. :'''Quagmire''': Huh? What for? :'''Chris''': ''[furiously]'' I said '''''GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!!''''' ''[starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him]'' It didn't have to ''be'' this way, Glenn! ''[takes Quagmire's car keys]'' You should've given me your keys. ''[gets in Quagmire's car and drives off]'' :'''Peter''': ''[enters the scene]'' Quagmire, what the hell happened to you? :'''Quagmire''': Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass! :'''Peter''': Meg did this? :'''Quagmire''': No, you dummy, ''Chris!'' He came over here, beat the crap out of me and took my car! :'''Peter''': Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him. ===''[[w:Whistle While Your Wife Works|Whistle While Your Wife Works]]''=== :''[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]'' :'''Peter''': Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" ''[the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone]'' HOLY CRAP! ''[he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]'' :'''Lois''': OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS! :'''Joe''': ''[enters]'' What happened? ''[sees Peter's hand; shocked]'' OH, MY GOD! :'''Stewie''': You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. ''[taps his empty cup]'' Bone dry. :'''Chris''': ''[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair]'' There's one of Dad's fingers! :'''Meg''': We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached! :'''Cleveland''': ''[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair]'' What's all the commotion? <hr width=50%/> :'''Stewie''': Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her? :'''Jillian''': Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him! :'''Stewie''': ''[to Brian]'' Is she retarded? :'''Brian''': Can you please leave now?! :'''Stewie''': Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts. :'''Brian''': Shut up! That's not it at all! ===''[[w:Prick Up Your Ears (Family Guy)|Prick Up Your Ears]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[reading Meg's sex pamphlet]'' "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate! :'''Meg''': Abstinent. :'''Peter''': Absent. :'''Meg''': Abstinent. :'''Peter''': You're grounded. ===''[[w:Chick Cancer|Chick Cancer]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie are sitting on the couch in the living room]'' :'''Brian''': Hey, where's Olivia? :'''Stewie''': Oh, she's probably up at the house. [[Good Will Hunting|<br>'''Brian''': Stewie.<br>'''Stewie''': Yeah?<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': What?<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': I know.<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': I know. ''[squints his eyes, confused with what Brian is trying to tell him]''<br>'''Brian''': No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.<br>''[They get off the couch and face each other]''<br>'''Stewie''': Don't do this to me, man! Not you, man!<br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': ''[on the verge of tears]'' Screw you! Cut it out, man! <br>'''Brian''': It's not your fault. <br>'''Stewie''': ''[starts crying and Brian hugs him]'' Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard!]]'' :''[They let go]'' :'''Brian''': Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. (Stewie stops crying and dries his tears) :'''Stewie''': You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now? :'''Brian''': Well, you'd be a black man. :'''Stewie''': ''[shocked]'' Wow! Wow! Whoa! What was that!? :'''Brian''': Ah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That was my father talking! :'''Stewie''': You, um... You gotta work on that, man. Bad dog. ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': So what happened? :'''Stewie''': Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? :'''Brian''': They do, it's called being gay. :'''Stewie''': Oh, ''that's'' what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that. ===''[[w:Barely Legal (Family Guy)|Barely Legal]]''=== :''[Lois is sitting on the couch reading a book when Peter calls her from outside]'' :'''Peter''': Lois, can you come out here for a second? :''[Lois opens the door and sees Peter sitting on top of a giraffe]'' :'''Peter''': Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat? :'''Lois''': Peter, what is that!? :'''Peter''': Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want. :'''Lois''': Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law. :'''Peter''': Sure I can, I've been doing it all week. :'''Lois''': Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately! :'''Peter''': Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney? :''[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]'' :'''Quagmire''': ''[from inside the house]'' Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here! :''[the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]'' :'''Cleveland''': What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! ''[Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground]'' I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans... <hr width=50%/> :'''Brian''': Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. :'''Morris''': WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND! :'''Brian''': I will never be attracted to you. :'''Morris''': I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU! :'''Brian''': You're acting like a psycho bitch. :'''Morris''': YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH! :'''Brian''': Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. :'''Morris''': GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW! :''[Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]'' :'''Meg''': ''[sternly]'' I won't be ignored, Brian. :''[Morris reappears]'' :'''Morris''': Mmm, I like your ass. ===''[[w:Road to Rupert|Road to Rupert]]''=== :'''Brian''': How are we gonna get out of here? :'''Stewie''': You still got the starting gun? :'''Brian''': Yeah. :'''Stewie''': Give it to me. ''[Brian hands Stewie his starting gun. Scene changes to the green car stopping at the traffic light. He pops up with starting gun aimed at the driver.]'' '''''GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, RIGHT NOW, MAN!''''' ''[smashes the driver-side door window]'' '''''GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!''''' :''[The driver screams in terror, Brian pulls the driver out of the car, then he and Stewie gets in to drive away back to Quahog.]'' :'''Brian''': Did we just carjack someone? :'''Stewie''': We sure did, Brian. We sure did. ===''[[w:Peter's Two Dads|Peter's Two Dads]]''=== :''[Stewie opens Meg's birthday presents]'' :'''Stewie''': Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD? :'''Cleveland''': You're welcome. :'''Lois''': Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts! :'''Stewie''': These are mine, you hear me? MINE! :'''Lois''': Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day. :'''Stewie''': I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall. :''[cutaway]'' :'''Asian Santa''': What you want? What you want for Christmas? :'''Stewie''': Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y... :'''Asian Santa''': Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! ''[he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it]'' What you want? :'''Asian Kid''': Fire truck! :'''Asian Santa''': What color? :'''Asian Kid''': Red! :'''Asian Santa''': Next! :'''Asian Kid''': ''[As he is thrown off Santa]'' AHHH! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter''': ''[realizing''] Oh my god. Lois, You're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again! :''[Cut to Peter Griffin sitting on a couch and lightning the bong to do crack.]'' :'''Brian''': ''[Entering the living room]'' Peter, what are you doing? :'''Peter''': Crack. :'''Brian''': ''[furiously]'' What the ''fuck!?'' :'''Peter''': Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. :'''Brian''': Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? :'''Peter''': From Black's. :'''Brian''': What? :'''Peter''': Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it. :'''Brian''': Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, ''[hands Peter a paper]'' this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. :'''Peter''': ''[hesitantly]'' Alright, Brian... :'''Brian''': Good. :''[As soon Brian walks away, Peter Griffin resumes doing crack. Cut to Brian re-entering the living room later.]'' :'''Brian''': Hey Peter, just thought I'd checked on you- ''[sees a stoned shirtless Peter now clutching to the couch cushion.]'' Oh ''my'' '''''God!''''' :'''Peter''': '''''GOV'MENT CAME AND TOOK MAH BAAAAABY!''''' ===''[[w:The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou|The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou]]''=== :'''Peter''': Hey there, Kyle. Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father. :'''Kyle''': ''[mocking Peter]'' "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!" :'''Peter''': Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're makin' me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I just wanted to let you know what you did the other day was wrong. :'''Kyle''': "What you did the other day was wrong!" :'''Peter''': You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. :'''Kyle''': "You're not makin' this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face." :'''Peter''': Shut up, Kyle. :'''Kyle''': "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts." :'''Peter''': Kyle, I said shut up. :'''Kyle''': You're a poop-nose. :''[Peter loses his temper and beats up Kyle]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Fulcher''': What are you doin' here? :'''Peter''': I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son, Chris, is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashioned father-son beat-off. :'''Chris''': Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him. :'''Fulcher''': Yeah, I have MS. :'''Peter''': Oh, ya hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now you really got me mad. ===''[[w:Airport '07|Airport '07]]''=== :'''TV Announcer #1''': We now return to Carl Sagan's ''Cosmos''. :'''TV Announcer #2''': Edited for rednecks. :'''Sagan''': I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Hundreds and hundreds of years old. :'''Sagan''': Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Gooooooooooooooddddddddddddddddddd. :'''Sagan''': -ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Jesus- :'''Sagan''': -annosaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that- :'''Redneck Announcer''': Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made. <hr width="50%/> :'''West''': "You know," said my pet goat, "I'm sure if I watched ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]'', I'd like it, but I just don't have the time." ''[one of his agents walks in and whispers in his ear. Camera zooms in to him, he looks around and continues reading]'' "You should make the time," said the farmer. ===''[[w:Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey|Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey]]''=== :''[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]'' :'''Brian''': How do you think it works? :'''Stewie''': I have no idea. :'''Brian''': Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me. :'''Stewie''': All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out. :'''Brian''': What's that big back part? :'''Stewie''': Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him. :'''Brian''': I wonder what this thing is for. :'''Stewie''': Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does. :'''Brian''': ''[sighs]'' All right, here goes. :'''Stewie''': Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful... :''[the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]'' ===''[[w:No Meals on Wheels| No Meals on Wheels]]''=== :'''Announcer''': We now return to ''America's Next Top Model''. :''[in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]'' :'''Model''': I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up. :'''Banks''': You know what? How dare you! You don't know me! You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, ''[furiously screaming at the top of her lungs]'' HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOOOW! :''[a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]'' ===''[[w:Boys Do Cry| Boys Do Cry]]''=== :'''Chris''' Where are we going? :'''Stewie''': Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics. :'''Lois''': We're goin' to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over. :'''Brian''': Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off. :''[cutaway]'' :'''Sneakers O'Toole''': ''I'm not takin' my sneakers off / I am Sneakers O'Toole.'' :'''Man #1''': Hey! Take those sneakers off! :'''Sneakers''': No! :'''Man #1''': Take 'em off, I said! :'''Sneakers''': No! ''[runs off]'' :'''Man #2''': Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in ''these'' shoes. :'''Sneakers''': ''I didn't take my sneakers off / I'm still Sneakers O'Toole.'' <hr width="50%"> :''[the horse barges in and stops Peter's execution]'' :'''Peter''': Horsey! You saved my life! :'''Horsey''': ''[in Gilbert Gottfried's voice]'' No problem, Peter! Glad to help out. :'''Peter''': Wow! Gilbert Gottfried! :'''Horsey''': That's right! :'''Peter''': Awesome! ===''[[w:No Chris Left Behind| No Chris Left Behind]]''=== :'''Peter''': Wai-wai-wai-wait, hang on, hang on. What are we fighting about? :'''Giant Chicken''': You know, I've completely forgotten. :'''Peter''': Me too. :'''Giant Chicken''': [[w:Da Boom|Something about a coupon]]... :'''Peter''': I cannot, for the life of me, remember... :'''Giant Chicken''': Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. I hope I didn't hurt you. :'''Peter''': No, no, no. I'm alright. :'''Giant Chicken''': But listen, you know what? Let me make it up to you. Why don't you let my wife and I take you out to dinner? :'''Peter''': Well, that sounds lovely. ===''[[w:It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One| It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One]]''=== :''[Lois is in the mayoral debate, the crowd is asking her questions]'' :'''Principal Shepherd''': Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city? :'''Lois''': A lot. :''[crowd claps]'' :'''Lois''': ...because that's what Jesus wants. :''[crowd claps]'' :'''Lois''': 9/11 was bad. :''[crowd claps and cheers]'' :'''Lois''': ''[to herself]'' God, I can't believe how easy this is. :'''Dr. Hartman''': Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans for cleaning up our environment? :'''Lois''': 9/11. :''[crowd claps and cheers]'' :'''Angela''': Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem? :'''Lois''': Nine... :'''Crowd''': ''[confused]'' Hmm? :'''Lois''': Eleven. :''[crowd gives standing ovation]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Lois''': Hey, you guys. :'''Chris''': Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while. :'''Lois''': What? :'''Chris''': What? ===''[[w:Meet the Quagmires| Meet the Quagmires]]''=== :''[The opening to ''[[The Jetsons]]'' is shown, however when Jane takes George's wallet, he stops her from leaving the flying car]'' :'''George Jetson''': Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no! I took this one out for you! You take this one, I keep this! You are not taking my whole wallet just so you can go shopping! :'''Jane Jetson''': I was just going to buy some groceries. :'''George Jetson''': Bullshit! == External links == {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} * {{imdb title|id=0182576|title=Family Guy}} * [http://www.familyguy.com FamilyGuy.com] * [http://www.messengertools.net/Family-Guy-Quotes-1.html Family Guy Quotes] [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] m2nisja0dgiyxr3570410h3h3jfxdx5 0 55987 3944358 3934763 2026-05-23T02:58:34Z ~2026-30775-37 3327709 /* Cast */ Took out Lupin's first name because he's a teacher 3944358 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Harry-potter-and-the-prisoner-of-azkaban-logo.svg|thumb|Have you seen this wizard?]] '''''[[w:Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film)|Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban]]''''' is a [[w:2004 in film|2004 film]] which follows [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]], a young [[w:wizard (fantasy)|wizard]], in his third year at [[w:Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry|Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry]]. Along with friends [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]] and [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]], Harry investigates [[w:Sirius Black|Sirius Black]], an escaped prisoner from [[w:Azkaban|Azkaban]], the wizard prison, believed to be one of [[w:Lord Voldemort|Lord Voldemort]]'s old allies. :''Directed by [[w:Alfonso Cuarón|Alfonso Cuarón]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on [[Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban|the novel]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' {{center|'''Something wicked this way comes.'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Harry Potter == * ''Expecto patronum!'' * I broke the law. Underage wizards aren't allowed to use magic at home. * He was their friend… and he betrayed them. ''[furiously] <big>'''HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!'''</big> [vengefully]'' I hope he finds me. Because when he does, I'm gonna be ready. When he does, I'm gonna KILL HIM! * ''[to Professor Lupin before he heads back to the Gryffindor dorm]'' Professor, just so you know, I don't think that map always works. Earlier, it showed someone in the castle… someone I know to be dead. ''['''Lupin:''' Oh, really, and who might that be?]'' Peter Pettigrew. * ''['''Sirius:''' That was a noble thing you did back there. He doesn't deserve it.]'' Well, I just didn't think my dad would've wanted his two best friends to become killers. Besides, dead, the truth dies with him. Alive, you're free. * ''[seeing Sirius talking with his past version]'' You see Sirius talking to me there? He's asking me to come live with him. ''['''Hermione:''' That's great.]'' When we free him, I'll never have to go back to the Dursleys. It'll just be me and him. We could live in the country, some place you can see the sky. I think he'll like that after all those years in Azkaban. * ''[after Buckbeak saves him and Hermione from Werewolf Lupin]'' Poor Professor Lupin's having a really tough night. * ''[to Hermione while they ride on Buckbeak]'' You were right, Hermione. It wasn't my dad I saw earlier. It was me! I saw myself conjuring the Patronus before. I knew I could it this time, 'cause… Well, I already done it! Does that make sense? ''['''Hermione:''' No! But I don't like flying…! (screams)]'' * Honestly, Ron. How can somebody be in two places at once? * I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. * ''[holding the Marauder's Map]'' Lumos. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Mischief managed. Nox. == Draco Malfoy == * Oh yeah, terribly funny. Really witty! God, this place has gone to the dogs. Wait until my father hears that Dumbledore's got this oaf teaching classes. * ''[after scaring Buckbeak]'' It's killed me! It's killed me! You'll regret this! You and your bloody chicken... == Dumbledore == * Dementors are vicious creatures. They'll not distinguish... between the one they hunt and the one who gets in their way. Therefore, I must warn each and every one of you, to give them no reason to harm you. It is not in the nature of a dementor to be forgiving. But you know, happiness can be found... even in the darkest of times... if one only remembers to turn on the light. * For in dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own. Let him swim in the deepest of oceans or glide over the highest cloud. * A child's voice, however honest and true, is meaningless to those who've forgotten how to listen. * Mysterious thing, time. Powerful, and when meddled with, dangerous. Sirius Black is in the topmost cell of the dark tower. You know the laws, Miss Granger. You must not be seen. And you would do well, I feel, to return before this last chime. If not, the consequences are too ghastly to discuss. If you succeed tonight, more than one innocent life may be spared. == Sirius Black == [[File:Descendantofstorm.jpg|thumb|I actually have quite a pleasant disposition as a dog.]] * I actually have quite a pleasant disposition as a dog; so much so, in fact, that more than once, James suggested that I make the change permanent. The tail I could live with, but the fleas...they're murder. * ''[trying to stop Lupin from transforming into a werewolf]'' Remus, my old friend! Have you taken your potion tonight? You know the man you truly are, Remus! This heart is where you truly live! This heart here! This flesh is only flesh! == Cornelius Fudge == * Come now, Harry. The Ministry doesn't send people to Azkaban for blowing up their aunts. * Black was vicious. He didn't kill Pettigrew... he ''destroyed'' him! A finger! That's all that was left, a finger! Nothing else. == Others == [[File:Boule de cristal.jpg|thumb|Broaden your minds.]] * '''Aunt Marge''': It's nothing to do with the father, it's all to do with the mother. You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, then there's something wrong with the pup. * '''Sybill Trelawney''': You see, the truth lies buried like a sentence deep within a book, waiting to be read. But first, you must broaden your minds. First, you must look ''beyond''. == Dialogue == :'''Harry''': Lumos Maxima. ''[It is revealed that he is under the bed covers, and the glow is so bright that it lights up the room]'' Lumos Maxima. ''[He casts the spell again which is the Lumos Maxima. Until he hears a toilet flushing and immediately goes back to sleep just as Vernon opens the door and turns on the light. He looks around in confusion before he turns off the light and closes the door and heads back to his bedroom. With him gone, Harry goes back to what he was doing.]'' Lumos Maxima ''[It revealed he was learning the Lumos Maxima from a book.]'' Lumos Maxima. Lumos Maxima! ''[The camera immediately zooms out from the covers, through the window where we see the film's title floating around in rays of light. We then zoom back into Harry's bedroom. As soon as Harry hears Vernon coming from his bedroom, he immediately returns to sleep just as Vernon opens the door and turns on the light. He looks around suspiciously just before he turns off the light and closes the door. Harry looks at the door and then smiles to himself before he really goes to sleep as we iris out.]'' :''[It is again pitch black. A doorbell ringing sound is heard multiple times]'' :'''Aunt Petunia''': Harry! Harry! Harry! Open the door! :''[Cut from black to the foyer, where Harry opens the front door. It is raining outside and Aunt Marge exhales as she brings her umbrella down and gives it to Harry. She passes the foyer into the kitchen where Aunt Petunia stands waiting. Aunt Marge's pet bulldog Ripper is on a leash. Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia exchange greetings as Ripper lifts up on his hind legs at Aunt Petunia. We then cut to Harry and Uncle Vernon in the foyer, where Harry unfolds a small parchment while Uncle Vernon takes off his car coat.]'' :'''Harry''': Uncle Vernon, I need you to sign this form. :'''Uncle Vernon''': What is it? :'''Harry''': Nothing. School stuff. :'''Uncle Vernon''': Later, perhaps, if you behave. :'''Harry''': I will if she does. :'''Aunt Marge''': Oh, you're still here, are you? :'''Harry''': Yes. :'''Aunt Marge''': Don't say 'yes' in that ungrateful way. ''[She hands Ripper's leash over to Petunia]'' Damn good of my brother to keep you. ''[She goes to Vernon to say something to him]'' He'd have been straight to an orphanage if he'd been dumped on my doorstep, Vernon. :''[Laughter is heard nearby. Hearing that, Aunt Marge looks delighted. She walks up to the couch, where the laughter has come from Harry's fat cousin Dudley, who is watching TV and eating snacks]'' :'''Aunt Marge''': Is that my Dudders? Is that my little neffy-pooh? ''[She kisses Dudley.]'' Give us a kiss. Come on. Up, up. :'''Uncle Vernon''': Take Marge's suitcase upstairs. :'''Harry''': Okay. :''[Later, the four Dursleys are seated at the dining table, where they've just finished eating their food. Aunt Marge places her dirty plate on the floor for Ripper.]'' :'''Aunt Marge''': Finish that off for Mummy. There's a good boy, Rippy-pooh. :'''Uncle Vernon''': ''[offering her brandy]'' Can I tempt you, Marge? :'''Aunt Marge''': Just a small one. ''[turns to Petunia]'' Excellent nosh, Petunia. :''[Aunt Marge snaps at Harry, who is clearing away the dirty dishes. She directs him to take away the plate that she gave to Ripper, and he does so.]'' :'''Aunt Marge''': ''[as Vernon pours her brandy]'' A bit more. ''[aside to Petunia]'' Usually just a fry-up for me what with twelve dogs. ''[back to Vernon]'' A bit more. That's a boy! ''[she takes the brandy]'' :''[Uncle Vernon sits down at the table while Harry stands in the kitchen cleaning the dishes.]'' :'''Aunt Marge''': ''[feeding some of her brandy to Ripper]'' You want to try a little drop of brandy? A little drop of brandy-brandy windy-wandy for Rippy-pippy-pooh? ''[looks up at Harry]'' What are you smirking at? ''[Harry shrugs]'' :'''Aunt Marge''': Where did you send the boy, Vernon? :'''Uncle Vernon''': St. Brutus'. It's a fine institution for helpless cases. :'''Aunt Marge''': ''[to Harry]'' Do they use a cane in St. Brutus', boy? :'''Harry''': ''[sarcastically as Uncle Vernon gives him a look]'' Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've been beaten loads of times. ''[turns away]'' :'''Aunt Marge''': Excellent. I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not beating people who deserve it. You mustn't blame yourself about how this one turned out, Vernon, it's all to do with blood. Bad blood will out. ''[to Petunia]'' What is it the boy's father did, Petunia? :'''Aunt Petunia''': Nothing. He, uh, didn't work. He was unemployed. :'''Aunt Marge''': And a drunk too, no doubt? :'''Harry''': ''[having to have heard that]'' That's a lie. :'''Aunt Marge''': ''[puzzled]'' What did you say? :'''Harry''': ''[turns around]'' My dad wasn't a drunk. :''[Aunt Marge's brandy glass breaks, startling Petunia]'' :'''Aunt Marge''': Don't worry, don't fuss, Petunia. I have a very firm grip. :'''Uncle Vernon''': ''[to Harry]'' I think it's time you went to bed. :'''Aunt Marge''': Quiet, Vernon. ''[to Harry]'' You, clean it up. ''[as Harry comes over with a towel to clean up the glass pieces from injuring himself]'' Actually, it's nothing to do with the father, it's all to do with the mother. You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, then there's something wrong with the pup. :'''Harry''': ''[yelling]'' '''''SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!''''' :'''Aunt Marge''': Right. Let me tell you... ''[begins inflating like a balloon]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After losing control of his magic by accidentally inflating Aunt Marge for insulting his parents, Harry storms downstairs, pulling his trunk, deciding to run away]'' :'''Uncle Vernon''': ''[blocking his way; enraged] '''YOU BRING HER BACK! YOU BRING HER BACK NOW! YOU PUT HER RIGHT!''''' :'''Harry''': ''[defensively]'' No! She deserved what she got! ''[points his wand at Vernon as he furiously tries to lunge at him]'' Keep away from me. :'''Uncle Vernon''': You're not allowed to do magic outside school. :'''Harry''': Yeah? Try me. :'''Uncle Vernon''': They won't let you back now. You've nowhere to go. :'''Harry''': I don't care. Anywhere's better than here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ron''': I'm warning you, Hermione! Keep that bloody beast of yours away from Scabbers, or I'll turn it into a tea cozy! :'''Hermione''': It's a cat, Ronald; what do you expect? It's in his nature. :'''Ron''': A cat? Is that what they told you? Looks more like a pig with hair if you ask me! :'''Hermione''': That's rich, coming from the owner of that smelly old shoebrush. It's alright, Crookshanks. You just ignore the mean little boy. :''[Harry comes downstairs with a smile on his face]'' :'''Ron''': ''[smiles in surprise]'' Harry! :'''Hermione''': ''[turns around; also smiles in surprise]'' Harry. <hr width=50%/> :''[Aboard the Hogwarts Express, all the students are waving farewell to their families as the train pulls out of King's Cross Station while Harry, Ron, and Hermione are looking for a compartment to sit in]'' :'''Harry''': ''[explaining to his friends about the incident of Aunt Marge]'' I didn't mean to blow her up, I just… I lost control. :'''Ron''': Brilliant. :'''Hermione''': Honestly, Ron, it's not funny. Harry was lucky not to be expelled. :'''Harry''': I think I was lucky not to be arrested, actually. :'''Ron''': I still think it was brilliant. :'''Hermione''': Come on, everywhere else is full. :''[They enter and sit in a compartment with a man named Remus John Lupin sleeping next to the window]'' :'''Ron''': Who do you think that is? :'''Hermione''': Professor R.J. Lupin. :'''Ron''': You know everything. How is it she knows everything? :'''Hermione''': It's on his suitcase, Ronald. :'''Harry''': Do you think he's really asleep? :'''Hermione''': Seems to be. Why? :'''Harry''': ''[closes the door]'' I gotta tell you something. :''[Later… the train is traveling through a rainy night; Back in the compartment, Harry has finished sharing his information about Sirius Black's escape from Azkaban to his friends in which Arthur Weasley told him]'' :'''Ron''': Let me get this straight, Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban to come after you? :'''Harry''': Yeah. :'''Hermione''': But they'll catch Black, won't they? I mean, everyone's looking for him. :'''Ron''': Sure... except, no one's ever broken out of Azkaban before, and he's a murderous raving lunatic. :'''Harry''': Thanks, Ron. :''[Suddenly, the train comes to a halt]'' :'''Hermione''': Why are we stopping? We can't be there, yet. :''[Harry goes to take a look out the compartment, followed by other students, and see what's going on; the whole train suddenly shakes and Harry is thrown back in the compartment]'' :'''Ron''': What's going on?! :'''Harry''': Don't know. Maybe we've broken down. :''[The lights suddenly go off]'' :'''Hermione''': Ouch, Ron, that was my foot! :'''Ron''': ''[looking out the window as the light come back on]'' There's something moving out there. ''[the train has stopped on a viaduct and one-by-one, the carriage lights go out]'' I think… someone's coming aboard. ''[the train shakes again; everything freezes as it gets so cold; pulls his hand from the window as the train makes a violent shake]'' Bloody hell! What's happening?! <hr width=50%/> :''[In the Great Hall, Draco's arm is all bandaged up from being attacked by Buckbeak while sitting with his friends]'' :'''Pansy Parkinson''': Does it hurt terribly, Draco? :'''Draco''': It comes and it goes. Still, I consider myself luckily. If it wasn't for Madame Pomfrey, another minute or two and I could have lost my arm. I couldn't possibly do any homework for weeks. :'''Ron''': Listen to the idiot. He's really laying it on thick, isn't he? :'''Harry''': Yeah, at least Hagrid didn't get fired. :'''Hermione''': Yeah, but I hear Draco's father's furious. We haven't heard the end of this. :'''Seamus''': ''[appearing with a new article of the Daily Prophet]'' He's been sighted! He's been sighted! :'''Ron''': Who? :'''Seamus''': Sirius Black! :''[All the other Gryffindor students gasp in horror and gaze at the article with the headline reading: '''"Sirius Black Sighted"''']'' :'''Hermione''': Dufftown? That's not far from here. :'''Neville''': You don't think he'd come to Hogwarts, do you? :'''Boy''': With Dementors at every entrance? :'''Seamus''': Dementors. He's already slipped past them once. Who's to say he won't do it again? :'''Bem''': That's right. Black could be anywhere. It's like trying to catch smoke. Like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dumbledore''': ''[inspects the Gryffindor common room entrance; the painting stands empty and is slashed]'' Mr. Filch? Round up the ghosts. Tell them to search every painting in the castle to find the Fat Lady. :'''Mr. Filch''': There's no need for ghosts, Professor. ''[points to a painting on the next floor]'' The Fat Lady's there. :''[Dumbledore, Mr. Filch, and all the students rush up to the painting]'' :'''Dumbledore''': Dear lady, who did this to you? :'''Fat Lady''': ''[hiding behind a hippo; weeping]'' Eyes like the devil, he's got, and a soul as dark as his name. It's him, Headmaster. The one they all talk about. He's here, somewhere in the castle. Sirius Black! ''[sobs in fright and cowers]'' :'''Dumbledore''': Secure the castle, Mr. Filch. ''[to all the students]'' The rest of you, the Great Hall. <hr width=50%/> :''[Harry is in the pub in an upstairs room under the Invisibility Cloak unbeknownst to Rosmerta, Fudge and McGonagall]'' :'''Madame Rosmerta''': Nobody's gonna come to a pub where they'll get scared out of their wits. :'''Professor McGonagall''': Professor Dumbledore doesn't want dementors around the place, I can assure you. :'''Madame Rosmerta''': Now, tell me what this is all about. :'''Professor McGonagall''': Years ago, when Harry Potter's parents realized they were marked for death, do you remember? They went into hiding. Few knew where they were. One who did, was Sirius Black. And he told You-Know-Who. :'''Cornelius Fudge''': Not only did Black lead You-Know-Who to the Potters that night, but he also killed one of their friends, Peter Pettigrew. :'''Madame Rosmerta''': Peter Pettigrew? :'''Professor McGonagall''': Little lump of a boy, always trailing after Sirius Black. :'''Madame Rosmerta''': Oh, I remember him. Never let James and Sirius out of his sight. But what happened? :'''Professor McGonagall''': Well, Peter Pettigrew '''''tried''''' to warn the Potters, and might have managed to if he hadn't run into an old friend. :'''Cornelius Fudge''': Black was vicious. He didn't kill Pettigrew. He destroye him! A finger! ''[holds up his pinky]'' That's all that was left, a finger! Nothing else. :'''Professor McGonagall''': Yes. Sirius Black may not have put his hands to the Potters, but he's the reason they're dead. :'''Cornelius Fudge''': And now he wants to finish what he started. :'''Madame Rosmerta''': I don't believe it. :'''Cornelius Fudge''': That's not the worst of it. :'''Madame Rosmerta''': What could be worse? :'''Professor McGonagall''': This: Sirius Black ''was'', and remains to this day…Harry Potter's godfather! :''[Having learned this, Harry runs out of the room, sobbing, and into a clearing in the forest as Ron and Hermione follow his footprints]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[removes the cloak]'' Harry, what happened? :'''Harry''': ''[quietly; tearfully]'' He was their friend… and he betrayed them. ''[yelling in rage]'' ''HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!'' ''[echoes]'' I hope he finds me. ''[vowing threateningly]'' 'Cause when he does, I'm gonna be ready. When he does, I'm gonna KILL HIM! <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Bochum-ggp-mond-08.jpg|thumb|Out for a little walk ''in the moonlight'', are we?]] :''[Professor Snape has caught Harry in a hallway during the night]'' :'''Professor Snape:''' Potter. What are you doing wandering the corridors at night? :'''Harry:''' I was sleepwalking. :'''Professor Snape:''' How extraordinarily like your father, you are, Potter. He too was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle as if he owned the place. :'''Harry:''' ''[irritated]'' My dad didn't strut. And nor do I. Now if you don't mind, professor, I would appreciate it if you would lower your wand. :'''Professor Snape:''' ''[Lowers his wand]'' Turn out your pockets. ''[Harry just stands there]'' ''[sternly]'' Turn '''''out your pockets'''''. ''[Harry takes out the Marauder's Map]'' What's this? :'''Harry:''' Spare bit of parchment. :'''Professor Snape:''' Really? Open it. ''[Harry opens the map; Snape puts his wand on the map]'' Reveal your secrets. ''[To Harry]'' Read it. :'''Harry:''' "Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs... offer their compliments to Professor Snape and..." :'''Professor Snape:''' Go on. :'''Harry:''' ''[amused]'' "...and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." :'''Professor Snape:''' Why you insolent, little—! :'''Professor Lupin:''' Professor. :'''Professor Snape:''' Well, well. Lupin. Out for a little walk ''in the moonlight'', are we? :'''Professor Lupin:''' ''[to Harry]'' Harry, are you all right? :'''Professor Snape:''' That remains to be seen. ''[takes the Marauder's Map]'' I have just now confiscated a rather curious artifact from Mr. Potter. Take a look, Lupin. Supposed to be your area of expertise. Clearly, it's full of Dark Magic. :'''Professor Lupin:''' I seriously doubt it, Severus. It looks to me as though it's merely a parchment designed to insult anyone who tries to read it. ''[chuckles]'' I suspect it's a Zonko product. Nevertheless, I shall investigate any hidden qualities it may possess. It is, after all, as you say, my area of expertise. ''[to Harry]'' Harry, would you come with me, please. ''[to Professor Snape]'' Professor, good night. :'''Portrait on the Wall:''' ''[irritated, to Professor Snape]'' Are you daft? Put that light out! <hr width=50%/> :'''Harry:''' ''[to Professor Lupin before returning to his dormitory, explaining about to the Marauder's Map]'' Professor, just so you know, I don't think that map always works. Earlier, it showed someone (wondering) in the castle. Someone I know to be dead. :'''Professor Lupin:''' Oh, really? And who might that be? :'''Harry:''' Peter Pettigrew. :'''Professor Lupin:''' That's not possible. :'''Harry:''' It's just what I saw. Goodnight, professor. <hr width=50%/> :''[The trio see Malfoy and his friends talking about Buckbeak being executed that night]'' :'''Malfoy:''' ''[to Crabbe and Goyle]'' Father said I could have the hippogriff's head. Maybe I'll donate it to the Gryffindor Common Room. This is gonna be so rich. ''[Hermione, enraged, storms over with Harry and Ron behind her]'' :'''Crabbe:''' Look who's here. :'''Malfoy:''' Ah! Come to see the show? :'''Hermione:''' ''[furiously]'' You! YOU FOUL, LOATHSOME, EVIL LITTLE COCKROACH! ''[holds Malfoy at wandpoint]'' :'''Ron:''' Hermione, no! He's not worth it! :''[Hermione relaxes, and takes her wand away from Malfoy, but immediately punches him in the face for laughing at her; He and his gang run off]'' :'''Hermione:''' That felt good. :'''Ron:''' ''[impressed]'' Not good. Brilliant! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ron goes after Scabbers to the Whomping Willow after he bites him in the finger while Harry and Hermione run after him]'' :'''Hermione''': Harry, you do realize what tree this is? :'''Harry''': That's not good. Ron, run! :'''Ron''': ''[seeing a black dog appearing behind them]'' Harry, Hermione, run! It's the Grim! <hr width=50%/> :''[Harry and Hermione enter the Shrieking Shack and find Ron in a room]'' :'''Harry''': Ron! :'''Hermione''': Ron, you're okay! :'''Harry''': The dog. Where is it?! :'''Ron''': Harry, it's a trap! ''[points to someone standing behind the door] '''He's''''' the dog! He's an Animagus! :''[Harry and Hermione look down on the floor and follow the paw prints to where Sirius Black is standing]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[defending Harry; fiercely]'' If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to kill us too! :'''Sirius''': No. Only ''one'' will die tonight. :'''Harry''': Then it'll be ''you! [angrily rushes over to Sirius, holds him down, and points his wand at him, threatening to kill him once and for all]'' :'''Sirius''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you going to kill me, Harry? :'''Professor Lupin''': ''[enters the room and disarms Harry] Expelliarmus! [orders Harry to step aside]'' Well, well, Sirius. Looking rather ragged aren't we? Finally the flesh reflects the madness within. :'''Sirius''': Well, you'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you, Remus? ''[Lupin smiles, helps him get back up on his feet, and they hug]'' I found him. :'''Professor Lupin''': I know. :'''Sirius''': He's here! :'''Professor Lupin''': I understand. :'''Sirius''': Let's kill him! :'''Hermione''': ''NO!'' I trusted you! And all this time, you've been his friend. He's a werewolf! That's why he's been missing classes. :'''Professor Lupin''': How long have you known? :'''Hermione''': Since Professor Snape set the essay. :'''Professor Lupin''': Well, well, well, Hermione. You really are the brightest witch of your age I've ever met. :'''Sirius''': Enough talk, Remus! Come on! Let's kill him! :'''Professor Lupin''': Wait! :'''Sirius''': ''I DID MY WAITING! TWELVE YEARS OF IT! IN AZKABAN!'' :'''Professor Lupin''': Very well. Kill him. But wait one more minute, Harry has the right to know why. :'''Harry''': ''[shakily]'' I know why! You betrayed my parents! You're the reason they're dead! :'''Professor Lupin''': No, Harry, it wasn't him. Somebody ''did'' betray your parents, but it was somebody who, until quite recently, I believed to be dead! :'''Harry''': Who was it then?! :'''Sirius''': ''Peter Pettigrew!'' And he's in this room, right now! Come out, come out, Peter! Come out, come out and play! :'''Snape''': ''[appearing and disarms him] Expelliarmus!'' Vengeance is sweet. How I hoped I'd be the one to catch you. :'''Professor Lupin''': Severus... :'''Snape''': ''[points his wand at Lupin]'' I told Dumbledore you were helping an old friend into the castle and now, here's the proof. :'''Sirius''': Brilliant, Snape. Once again, you put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and, as usual, come to the wrong conclusion. Now, if you'll excuse us, Remus and I have some unfinished business to attend to. :'''Snape''': ''[puts his wand on Sirius' neck]'' Give me a reason. ''I beg you.'' :'''Professor Lupin''': Severus, don't be a fool. :'''Sirius''': He can't help it Remus, it's habit by now. :'''Professor Lupin''': Sirius, be quiet. :'''Sirius''': Be quiet yourself, Remus! :'''Snape''': Oh listen to you two, quarreling like an old married couple. :'''Sirius''': Why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set? :'''Snape''': ''[puts wand on Sirius' throat]'' I could do it, you know? But why deny the Dementors, when they're so ''longing'' to see you? Do I detect a flicker of fear? Ah yes, a Dementor's Kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. It's said to be nearly unbearable to witness but I'll do my ''best.'' :'''Professor Lupin''': Severus, please. :'''Snape''': After you. :'''Harry''': ''[takes Hermione's wand out of her pocket] Expelliarmus! [blasts the spell at Snape, knocking him out unconscious]'' :'''Ron''': ''[shocked]'' Harry, what did you just do?! :'''Hermione''': ''[also shocked]'' You attacked a teacher! :'''Harry''': Tell me about Peter Pettigrew! :'''Professor Lupin''': He was at school with us, we thought he was our friend. :'''Harry''': No. Pettigrew's dead. ''[to Sirius] '''You''''' killed him! :'''Professor Lupin''': No, he didn't. I thought so too until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map. :'''Harry''': The map was lying, then. :'''Sirius''': The map ''never'' lies. Pettigrew's alive! And he's right there! ''[points to Ron]'' :'''Ron''': Me?! He's mental! :'''Sirius''': Not you. Your rat! :'''Ron''': Scabbers has been in my family for… :'''Sirius''': Twelve years? Curiously long life for a common garden rat. He's missing a toe, isn't he? :'''Ron''': So what? :'''Harry''': All they could find of Pettigrew was his… :'''Sirius''': Finger! The dirty coward cut it off so that everyone would think he was dead! And then he transformed into a rat! :'''Harry''': Show me. ''[Sirius tries to take the rat from Ron, but Ron holds onto it]'' Give it to him, Ron. :'''Ron''': What are you trying do to him?! ''[Sirius finally gets a hold of the rat before Hermione holds him back]'' Scabbers! Leave him alone! Get off him! What're you doing?! :''[Sirius drops the rat, which runs while he finally transforms it into Peter Pettigrew]'' :'''Pettigrew''': ''[realizes he's not a rat anymore]'' Remus? S-Sirius? My old friends! ''[ducks toward the door to escape, but fails when Lupin and Sirius block him]'' Harry! Look at you! ''[walks toward Harry]'' You look so much like your father! Like James! We were the best of friends… :'''Sirius''': How ''dare'' you speak to Harry! ''[Pettigrew scowls and runs away from him as he stands behind the piano]'' How dare you talk about James in front of him! :'''Professor Lupin''': ''[snarling]'' You sold James and Lily to Voldemort, didn't you?! :'''Pettigrew''': I didn't mean to! The Dark Lord. You have no idea the weapons he possesses! Ask yourself, Sirius! What would you have done? What would you have done?! :'''Sirius''': I would've died! ''[Pettigrew crawls under the piano]'' I would've died rather than betray my friends! :'''Pettigrew''': ''[runs over to Harry, whispering to him]'' Harry, James wouldn't have wanted me killed! Your dad... your dad would have spared me! He would shown me mercy…! :''[Professor Lupin and Sirius yank him off Harry]'' :'''Sirius''': Should've realized, Peter, that if Voldemort didn't kill you, then we would! ''[he and Lupin pull out their wands and point them and Pettigrew]'' Together! :'''Harry''': No! :'''Professor Lupin''': Harry, this man is… :'''Harry''': I know what he is. But we'll take him to the castle. :'''Pettigrew''': Bless you, boy! Bless you! ''[kneels to Harry]'' :'''Harry''': Get off! I said we'll take you to the castle. After that, the Dementors can have you. :''[Next scene, we find the gang leaving the Shrieking Shack.]'' :'''Sirius''': ''[to Ron]'' Sorry about the bite. I reckon that twinges a bit. :'''Ron''': A bit?! ''A bit?!'' You almost tore my leg off! :'''Sirius''': I was going for the rat. Normally, I have a very sweet disposition as a dog. In fact, more than once, James suggested that I make the change permanent. The tail I could live with. But the fleas, they're murder. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sirius''': ''[gazing at Hogwarts and talking with Harry]'' It's beautiful, isn't it? I'll never forget the first time I walked through those doors. It'll be nice to do it again as a free man. That was a noble thing you did back there. He doesn't deserve it. :'''Harry''': Well, I just didn't think my dad would've wanted his two best friends to become killers. Besides, dead the truth dies with him. Alive, you're free. :'''Pettigrew''': ''[appearing with Professor Lupin pointing his wand at him]'' Turn me into a maggot! Turn me into a flobberworm! Anything but the dementors! Ron! Haven't I been a good friend? A good pet? You won't let them give me to the Dementors, will you? I was your rat! Sweet girl! Clever girl! :'''Professor Lupin''': Get away from her! :'''Sirius''': I don't know if you know, Harry. But when you were born, James and Lily made me your godfather. :'''Harry''': I know. :'''Sirius''': Well, I can understand if you choose to stay with your aunt and uncle. But if you ever wanted a different home… :'''Harry''': What? Come and live with you? :'''Sirius''': It's just a thought. I can understand if you don't want to. :'''Hermione''': HARRY! ''[Harry and Sirius turn around; points to a full moon rising from behind the mountains]'' :'''Sirius''': Remus, my old friend. Have you taken your potion tonight? You know the man you truly are, Remus! This heart is where you truly live! This heart here! This flesh is only flesh! <hr width=50%/> :''[Harry and Hermione see their past versions of themselves and Ron before Past Hermione punches Malfoy]'' :'''Harry''': That's us. This is not normal. :'''Hermione''': This is a Time-Turner, Harry. McGonagall gave it to me first term. This is how I've been getting to my lessons ''all'' year. :'''Harry''': You mean we've gone back in time? :'''Hermione''': Yes. Dumbledore obviously wanted us to return to this moment. Clearly something happened, he wants us to change. <hr width=50%/> :'''Harry''': ''[seeing Hagrid giving Pettigrew (in the form of Scabbers) to Ron; darkly]'' That's Pettigrew. :'''Hermione''': Harry, you can't. :'''Harry''': Hermione, that's the man who betrayed my parents. You don't expect me to just sit here. :'''Hermione''': Yes, and you must! Harry, you're in Hagrid's Hut now. If you just go bursting in, you'll think you've gone mad. Awful things happen to wizards who meddle with time, Harry. We can't be seen. <hr width=50%/> :''[Another bluebird flies into the Whomping Willow and gets thwacked. Inside the castle, Harry is walking up to Lupin's office. He's about to knock on the door.]'' :'''Professor Lupin''': Hello, Harry. ''[he gestures to the Marauder's Map, which is open on his desk]'' I saw you coming. :''[Lupin has been injured from the events of the previous night and is clearly in the middle of packing]'' :'''Professor Lupin''': I've looked worse, believe me. :'''Harry''': You've been sacked? :'''Professor Lupin''': No. No, I resigned, actually. :'''Harry''': Resigned? Why? :'''Professor Lupin''': Well, it seems that somebody let slip the nature of my condition. This time tomorrow, the owls will start arriving, and parents will not want a, uh... well, someone like me teaching their children. :'''Harry''': But Dumbledore-- :'''Professor Lupin''': Dumbledore has already risked enough on my behalf. Besides, people like me are... well, let's just say that I'm used to it by now. ''[he waves his wand, and his trunk packs itself]'' Why do you look so miserable, Harry? :'''Harry''': None of it made any difference. Pettigrew escaped. :'''Professor Lupin''': Didn't make any difference? Harry, it made all the difference in the world! You helped uncover the truth. You saved an innocent man from a terrible fate. It made a great deal of difference! If I am proud of anything, it is of how much you have learned this year. Now, since I am no longer your teacher, I feel no guilt whatsoever about giving this back to you. ''[gestures to the Map]'' So now I'll say goodbye, Harry. I feel sure we'll meet again sometime. Until then... mischief managed. ''[the Map closes up and turns blank]'' :''[Harry watches sadly as Lupin walks out the door.]'' <hr width=50%/> [[File:Eclair de feu.jpg|thumb|—It's a Firebolt. </br>—It's the fastest broom in the world.]] :''[Ghosts of the Headless Hunt ride around in the Entrance Hall as Harry walks towards the Great Hall.]'' :'''Ron''': Stand back, I said! Or I'll take it upstairs if you don't settle. :''[As Harry enters the Great Hall, Neville and Seamus run up to him.]'' :''[Last lines; the Gryffindors are gathered in the Great Hall around the table around a wrapped package when Harry shows up]'' :'''Neville''': Harry, wherever did you get it? :'''Seamus''': Can I have a go, Harry? After you, of course. :'''Harry''': What are you talking about? :'''Ron''': Quiet. Let the man through. I didn't mean to open it, Harry. It was badly wrapped. ''[to Fred and George]'' They made me do it. :'''Fred and George''': Did not! :''[They open the package, revealing the Firebolt broomstick]'' :'''Fred''': It's a Firebolt. :'''George''': It's the fastest broom in the world. :'''Harry''': For me? But who sent it? :'''Ron''': No one knows. :'''Hermione''': ''[holds up one of Buckbeak's feathers]'' This came with it. :''[Carrying his new broomstick, Harry runs into the Clock Tower courtyard, a crowd of students following behind him.]'' :'''Neville''': We're bound to win the Quidditch Cup now! :'''Seamus''': Go on, Harry, yeah, let's see! :'''Hermione''': How fast is it, Harry? :''[Harry mounts the Firebolt and takes off. The crowd of students cheer him as he flies up into the sky. It ends on a freeze-frame of Harry flying high above Hogwarts and then irises out.]'' == Taglines == * Have you seen this wizard? * Something wicked this way comes. * Everything will change. * The time has come. * Mysteries will unfold. * Secrets will be revealed. * Character will be tested. * Darkness will descend. == Cast == * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] as [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]] * [[Gary Oldman]] as [[w:Sirius Black|Sirius Black]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] as [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] as [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]] * [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] as [[w:Professor Lupin|Professor Lupin]] * [[w:Michael Gambon|Michael Gambon]] as [[w:Albus Dumbledore|Albus Dumbledore]] * [[Alan Rickman]] as [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[Maggie Smith]] as [[w:Professor McGonagall|Professor McGonagall]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] as [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] as [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]] * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] as [[w:Peter Pettigrew|Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0304141|title=Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban}} *{{rotten-tomatoes|id=harry_potter_and_the_prisoner_of_azkaban|title=Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban}} {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:2004 British films]] [[Category:2004 American films]] [[Category:English-language films]] [[Category:Time travel films]] [[Category:Films about werewolves]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films directed by Alfonso Cuarón]] [[Category:Films set in castles]] [[Category:Films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Films about wizards]] 4fj9w0kntsw2fre3i71yxrmpg6f2gsn 2 62390 3944183 3934951 2026-05-22T13:43:01Z Dan Polansky 26472 3944183 wikitext text/x-wiki Dan Polansky is described at [[Meta:User:Dan Polansky]]. Formatting: Format quotes using bullet lists as per [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout]]: <pre> * Quotation ** Author, ''Work'' (Year) </pre> == Subpages == {{Special:Prefixindex/User:Dan Polansky/}} == Quotations == Some quotations of personal interest follow, using a custom format. I do not necessarily agree with them; they have to be interesting or inspiring enough to be included. * [[Marcus Aurelius]] *: From my tutor: not to become a partisan of the Green jacket or the Blue in the races, nor of Thracian or Samnite gladiators; to bear pain and be content with little; to work with my own hands, to mind my own business, and to be slow to listen to slander. * [[Marcus Aurelius]], Czech, from memory (to be done: find the counterpart in an English translation) *: Dissatisfication with any of life's events is a falling away from nature. (From "Nespokojenost s jakoukoli životní událostí je odpadlictví od přírody", from memory.) * [[Marcus Aurelius]], italics mine *: From Diognetus, [...]; and to become familiar with philosophy and be a heaver first of Baccheius, then of Tandasis and Marcianus; and to ''write dialogues'' as a boy; and to set my heart on a pallet-bed and a pelt[12] and whatever else tallied with the Greek regimen.<ref>[[S:Marcus Aurelius (Haines 1916)/Book 1]]</ref> * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: What is good, Phædrus, and what is not good... need we ask anyone to tell us these things? * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: There's no fault isolation problem in motorcycle maintenance that can stand up to it [the scientific method]. When you've hit a really tough one, tried everything, racked your brain and nothing works, and you know that this time Nature has really decided to be difficult, you say, "Okay, Nature, that's the end of the nice guy," and you crank up the formal scientific method. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: The question why comes back again and again and has become a major reason for wanting to deliver this Chautauqua. Why did they [the motorcycle mechanics] butcher it so? These were not people running away from technology, like John and Sylvia. These were the technologists themselves. They sat down to do a job and they performed it like chimpanzees. Nothing personal in it. There was no obvious reason for it. And I tried to think back into that shop, that nightmare place, to try to remember anything that could have been the cause. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: The student's biggest problem was a slave mentality which had been built into him by years of carrot-and-whip grading, a mule mentality which said, "If you don't whip me, I won't work." He didn't get whipped. He didn't work. And the cart of civilization, which he supposedly was being trained to pull, was just going to have to creak along a little slower without him. *: This is a tragedy, however, only if you presume that the cart of civilization, "the system," is pulled by mules. This is a common, vocational, "location" point of view, but it's not the Church [of Reason] attitude. *: The Church attitude is that civilization, or "the system" or "society" or whatever you want to call it, is best served not by mules but by free men. The purpose of abolishing grades and degrees is not to punish mules or to get rid of them but to provide an environment in which that mule can turn into a free man. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: The best way to break this cycle, I think, is to work out your anxieties on paper. Read every book and magazine you can on the subject. Your anxiety makes this easy and the more you read the more you calm down. You should remember that it's peace of mind you're after and not just a fixed machine. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: Maybe it's just the usual late afternoon letdown, but after all I've said about all these things today I just have a feeling that I've somehow talked around the point. Some could ask, “Well, if I get around all those gumption traps, then will I have the thing licked?” *: The answer, of course, is no, you still haven't got anything licked. You've got to live right too. It's the way you live that predisposes you to avoid the traps and see the right facts. You want to know how to paint a perfect painting? It's easy. Make yourself perfect and then just paint naturally. That's the way all the experts do it. The making of a painting or the fixing of a motorcycle isn't separate from the rest of your existence. If you're a sloppy thinker the six days of the week you aren't working on your machine, what trap avoidances, what gimmicks, can make you all of a sudden sharp on the seventh? It all goes together. *: But if you're a sloppy thinker six days a week and you really try to be sharp on the seventh, then maybe the next six days aren't going to be quite as sloppy as the preceding six. What I'm trying to come up with on these gumption traps I guess, is shortcuts to living right. The real cycle you're working on is a cycle called yourself. The machine that appears to be “out there” and the person that appears to be “in here” are not two separate things. They grow toward Quality or fall away from Quality together. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: Thus the hero of the Odyssey is a great fighter, a wily schemer, a ready speaker, a man of stout heart and broad wisdom who knows that he must endure without too much complaining what the gods send; and he can both build and sail a boat, drive a furrow as straight as anyone, beat a young braggart at throwing the discus, challenge the Phaeacian youth at boxing, wrestling or running; flay, skin, cut up and cook an ox, and be moved to tears by a song. He is in fact an excellent all-rounder; he has surpassing arête. *: Arête implies a respect for the wholeness or oneness of life, and a consequent dislike of specialization. *: It implies a contempt for efficiency...or rather a much higher idea of efficiency, an efficiency which exists not in one department of life but in life itself. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: Then he saw it. He brought out the knife and excised the one word that created the entire angering effect of that sentence. The word was "just." Why should Quality be just what you like? Why should "what you like" be "just"? What did "just" mean in this case? When separated out like this for independent examination it became apparent that "just" in this case really didn't mean a damn thing. It was a purely pejorative term, whose logical contribution to the sentence was nil. Now, with that word removed, the sentence became "Quality is what you like," and its meaning was entirely changed. It had become an innocuous truism. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: It all sounds so far out and esoteric when it’s put like that that it comes as a shock to discover that it is one of the most homespun, down-to earth views of reality you can have. Harry Truman, of all people, comes to mind, when he said, concerning his administration’s programs, "We’ll just try them—and if they don’t work—why then we’ll just try something else." That may not be an exact quote, but it’s close. *: The reality of the American government isn’t static, he said, it’s dynamic. If we don’t like it we’ll get something better. The American government isn’t going to get stuck on any set of fancy doctrinaire ideas. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: In Part One of formal scientific method, which is the statement of the problem, the main skill is in stating no more than you positively know. It is much better to enter a statement "Solve Problem: Why doesn’t cycle work? Which sounds dumb, but is correct, than it is to enter a statement "Solve Problem: what is wrong with the electric system?" when you don’t absolutely know the trouble is in the electric system. What you should state is "Solve Problem: What is wrong with the cycle?" and then state as the first entry in Part Two: "Hypothesis Number One: The trouble is in the electrical system." You think of as many hypothesis as you can, then you design experiments to test them to see which are true and which are false. *: This careful approach to the beginning questions keeps you from taking a wrong turn which might cause you weeks of extra work or can even hang you up completely. Scientific questions often have a surface appearance of dumbness for this reason. They are asked in order to prevent dumb mistakes later on. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974 *: Now he began to see for the first time the unbelievable magnitude of what man, when he gained power to understand and rule the world in terms of dialectic truths, had lost. He had built empires of scientific capability to manipulate the phenomena of nature into enormous manifestations of his own dreams of power and wealth—but for this he had exchanged an empire of understanding of equal magnitude: an understanding of what it is to be a part of the world, and not an enemy of it. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1974, from memory *: There are all those people who have plenty of instructions for others and none for themselves. * [[Robert M. Pirsig|Pirsig]] 1991 *: He was very smart in some ways, but in other ways he was very stupid, you know what I mean?<ref>[https://www.google.com/books/edition/Lila/WZtRAQAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22he+was+very+smart+in+some+ways%22&pg=PA223&printsec=frontcover Lila, page 223]</ref> * [[Henri Poincaré|Poincaré]] *: Whence comes this concordance? Is it simply that the things which seem beautiful to us are those which best adapt themselves to our intelligence, and that consequently they are at the same time the implement this intelligence knows best how to use ? Or is there here a play of evolution and natural selection? Have the peoples whose ideal most conformed to their highest interest exterminated the others and taken their place? All pursued their ideals without reference to consequences, but while this quest led some to destruction, to others it gave empire. *: One is tempted to believe it. If the Greeks triumphed over the barbarians and if Europe, heir of Greek thought, dominates the world, it is because the savages loved loud colors and the clamorous tones of the drum which occupied only their senses, while the Greeks loved the intellectual beauty which hides beneath sensuous beauty, and that this intellectual beauty it is which makes intelligence sure and strong. * [[Henri Poincaré|Poincaré]] *: To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. * [[Bertrand Russell|Russell]]: *: The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt. * [[Bertrand Russell|Russell]] (or merely attributed to him) *: Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. * [[Steve Jobs|Jobs]] or Siltanen: *: Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. * [[Steve Jobs|Jobs]] *: You know who the best managers are. They're the great individual contributors who never ever want to be a manager, but decide they have to be a manager because no one else is going to be able to do as good a job as that.[https://fortune.com/2024/02/24/steve-jobs-management-advice/] * [[Steve Jobs|Jobs]] *: We went through that stage in Apple where we went out and we thought we're going to be a big company, let's hire professional management. We went out and hired a bunch of professional management. It didn't work at all. Most of them were bozos. They knew how to manage but they did not know how to do anything.<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsLpQnIJviE Steve Jobs talks 'Bozos' who know how to manage but not how to do anything], youtube.com</ref> * [[Steve Jobs|Jobs]] *: What I saw with Woz was somebody who was 50 times better than the average engineer. He could have meetings in his head. The Mac team was an attempt to build a whole team like that, A players. People said that they wouldn't get along, they'd hate working with each other. But I realized that A players like to work with A players, they just didn't like working with C players.<ref>https://apple.fandom.com/wiki/Bozo</ref> * Al Alcorn *: Sculley believed in keeping people happy and worrying about relationships. Steve didn't give a shit about that. But he did care about the product in a way that Sculley never could, and he was able to avoid having too many bozos working at Apple by insulting anyone who wasn't an A player.<ref>https://www.forbes.com/sites/ericjackson/2012/01/31/why-every-company-needs-a-no-bozo-policy/</ref> * [[Viktor Frankl]], from memory (I cannot find the passage): *: We who have been there (in the concentration camp) know: the best did not survive. * [[Viktor Frankl]], from memory *: We have to remind the suffering people that it does not really matter what they expect from life but rather what life expects from them. * [[Karl Popper]] *: [https://books.google.com/books?id=iXp9AwAAQBAJ&pg=PT89]The method of trial and error is not, of course, simply identical with the scientific and critical approach--with the method of conjecture and refutation. The method of trial and error is applied not only by Einstein but, in a more dogmatic fashion, by the amoeba also. The difference lies not so much in the trials as in the critical and constructive attitude towards errors; errors which the scientist consciously and cautiously tries to uncover in order to refute his theories with searching arguments, including appeals to the most severe experimental tests which his theories and his ingenuity permit him to design. *: The critical attitude might be described as the result of a conscious attempt to make our theories, our conjectures, suffer in our stead in the struggle of the survival of the fittest. It gives us a chance to survive the elimination of an inadequate hypothesis--when a more dogmatic attitude would eliminate it by eliminating us. (There is a touching story of an Indian community which disappeared because of its belief in the holiness of life, including that of tigers.) We thus obtain the fittest theory within our reach by the elimination of those which are less fit. (By 'fitness' I do not mean merely 'usefulness' but truth; see chapters 3 and 10, below.) I do not think that this procedure is irrational or in need of any further rational justification. * [[Karl Popper]]<!-- ''The Unended Quest'' --> *: If I am right in my conjecture that we grow, and become ourselves, only in interaction with world 3, then the fact that we can all contribute to this world, if only a little, can give comfort to everyone; and especially to one who feels that in struggling with ideas he has found more happiness than he could ever deserve. * [[Karl Popper]], from memory, found in Google Books from other authors *: For Socrates, philosophy was a way of life. * [[Thomas S. Kuhn]], from memory *: It is a poor carpenter who blames his tools. * [[Thomas S. Kuhn]], from memory *: Is it any wonder that the scientist has to run the risk of being wrong. * [[Karel Čapek]] *: [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7834729-just-imagine-the-silence-in-the-world-if-people-talked]Just imagine the silence in the world, if people talked only what they knew. * [[George Berkeley|Berkeley]] *: [https://books.google.com/books?id=syhsLJ1eMOEC&pg=PA90]To utter a word and mean nothing by it is unworthy of a philosopher. (Attributed to Berkeley by Critchley but also by Popper[https://watertank.livejournal.com/157983.html].) * [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] *: And all the good you've done will soon get swept away you've begun to matter more than the things you say * [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] *: If your slate is clean, then you can throw stones. If your slate is not, then leave her alone. * [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] *: And next, the room was full of wild and angry men. They seemed to hate this man; they fell on him, and then disappeared again. * [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] *: You Jews produce messiahs by the sackful! * [[Jesus Christ Superstar]] *: What do you mean by that? That is not an answer. You're deep in trouble, friend. Someone Christ, King of the Jews * Kopeček and Kučera 1989, possibly quoting someone (ideally, clarify/find the original source) *: To every question there is a simple, easy to understand, incorrect answer. (Quoted from memory, translated from Czech "Na každou otázku existuje jednoduchá, snadno pochopitelná, nesprávná odpověď.", stated e.g. [http://bimbo.fjfi.cvut.cz/~horsky/murphy.html here]) * Kopeček and Kučera 1989, possibly quoting someone (ideally, clarify/find the original source) *: There are three things that can ruin a man: wine, women and a limitless trust of experts. (Quoted from memory, translated from Czech.) * Kopeček and Kučera 1989, possibly quoting someone (ideally, clarify/find the original source) *: The tortoise is here with us since it is best as far as tortoisehood goes. (Quoted from memory, translated from Czech.) * [[Edmund Burke]], but only erroneously attributed per [[Misquotations]] *: The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. * [[Galileo Galilei]] *: Names and attributes must be accommodated to the essence of things, and not the essence to the names, since things come first and names afterwards. (Discovered thanks to [[User:Equinox]].) * Jan Werich *: This guy does this, that one does that, and taken in aggregate, they accomplish a lot. (A translation from Czech "Ten dělá to a ten zas tohle a všichni dohromady udělají moc." A praise to labor division but also to laborers, somewhat suggestive of the ideology of Czechoslovak socialism. A complete song: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MK_vNkiPRk here].) * Unknown *: The struggle against entropy in the form of mess/disorder is in vain and doomed to failure. (A translation from Czech "Boj s entropií ve formě nepořádku je marný a předem prohraný".) * [[Mark Twain]], probably merely attributed *: Never pick a fight with a man who buys ink by the barrel.[https://lowecom.com/2021/05/19/tips-for-staying-on-good-terms-with-those-who-buy-their-ink-by-the-barrel/] * Source and exact phrasing to be clarified; see also [[Expert]] *: An expert is someone who made all the usual mistakes in their chosen field. * Source and exact phrasing to be clarified; see also [[Error]] *: The joy from discovering something new is an error 6000 years old. (A translation from Czech "Radost z toho, že člověk objeví něco nového, je omyl starý 6000 let.") * [[Christopher Hitchens]] *: I'll finish my sentence if it kills you.<ref>[https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/8qcu19/christopher_hitchens_ill_finish_my_sentence_if_it/?rdt=54407 Christopher Hitchens - "I'll finish my sentence if it kills you".], reddit.com</ref> *: I'll get to the end of this sentence if it kills you, let alone me.<ref>[https://www.abc.net.au/qanda/god-sodomy-and-the-lash/10663024 God, Sodomy and the Lash - Q+A], abc.net.au</ref> * [[Lars von Trier]], a likely imprecise quote from memory, translated from Czech (yes, this is far from perfect way of quoting things) *: Without an actor, your life cannot hold together. * [[The Lord of the Rings]] *: Something has slipped.' (Par) 'And what is it then?' growled Shagrat. (Par) 'By all the signs, Captain Shagrat, I'd say there's a large warrior loose, Elf most likely, with an elf-sword anyway, and an axe as well maybe: and he's loose in your bounds, too, and you've never spotted him. Very funny indeed!' Gorbag spat. Sam smiled grimly at this description of himself.<ref>[https://bookmate.com/books/nvsQUGoV/quotes Quotes from “The Two Towers: The Lord of the Rings: Part 2” by John R.R.Tolkien — Bookmate], bookmate.com</ref> * Exupéry, from memory *: In the palace of my father, each step had a meaning. (A translation from Czech quoted from memory: V paláci mého otce měl každý krok svůj smysl.) * Exupéry, from memory, approximate, to be clarified and verified *: A design is complete when nothing can be removed from it any longer. * [[Monty Python]] *: Mr. Barnard: Well I’m very sorry, but you didn’t pay.<ref>https://www.virginiawestern.edu/eng111/ArgumentClinic-MontyPython.pdf</ref> *: Customer: A-ha! Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing? Got you! *: Mr. Barnard: No you haven’t. *: Customer: Yes I have. If you’re arguing, I must have paid. *: Mr. Barnard: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time *: Customer: Oh I’ve had enough of this. *: Mr. Barnard: No you haven’t. *: Customer: Oh shut up! * [[Benjamin Franklin]] *: We must, indeed, all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately. * Jean Giono, Peter Doyle<ref>https://campus.murraystate.edu/academic/faculty/dfender/OSH650/readings/Giono--The%20Man%20Who%20Planted%20Trees.pdf</ref> *: His name was Elzéard Bouffier. He had owned a farm in the plains, where he lived most of his life. He had lost his only son, and then his wife. He had retired into this solitude, where he took pleasure in living slowly, with his flock of sheep and his dog. He had concluded that this country was dying for lack of trees. He added that, having nothing more important to do, he had resolved to remedy * Sue Townsend, quoting from memory *: The first issue of the magazine was bought by Barry Kent. He wanted to learn the truth about himself. * [[Dale Carnegie]], quoted from memory and translated from Czech (yes, I should find the actual quotation in the English original) *: When they kick you from behind, it means you are ahead. * Zdeněk Jirotka, quoted from memory and translated from Czech with the aid from Gemini: *: Well, there is definitely talent here. Now all that's missing is the material security. (From, approximately, per memory: Tož tak: talent zde rozhodně je. Teď již chybí jen to hmotné zabezpečení.) * F., unpublished and hyperbolic, possibly modified by my memory: *: A freshly graduated mathematician is someone who knows almost nothing but can learn almost anything. * F., from memory: *: That shapes. (From German "Das prägt", in reference to mathematics.) * [[Norbert Wiener]] *: I am a mathematician. * Italo Calvino, quoting from memory, translating from Czech *: It is quite possible that the prince was a dumbass, but it was certain that the princess was pregnant. * Czech saying, approximately rendered from memory *: He who can practice the trade practices the trade; he who cannot practice, teaches the trade; he who can neither practice nor teach, manages or governs the trade. * Unknown, I could have heard it from D.N. when we were kids, originally in Czech *: Do you know what the difference is between a smart person and an idiot? None at all: each of them thinks of the other one to be an idiot. * [[Dale Carnegie]], translated from Czech (and thus, the matter went from English to Czech and to English again) *: I was troubled by fear that I will not be able to buy shoes. And then I met one who got by without legs. * [[Dale Carnegie]], translated from Czech (and thus, the matter went from English to Czech and to English again) *: I have to drown in work not to drown in despair. * [[Dale Carnegie]], translated from Czech (and thus, the matter went from English to Czech and to English again) *: Nature hates void/vacuum. And then, when the mind creates a void/vacuum of activity, it gets filled with the primordinal ancestral feelings: fear and hatred. * [[The Bible]] *: Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." * Donutil, from what I remember, translated from Czech *: The shortest police joke: the policeman went pondering. (Czech: Nejraktší policajtský vtip: policajt se zamyslel.) * A saying I heard from J.A. *: Proper preparation prevents piss-poor performance. * A saying I heard from J.A. *: Double holds better. (My translation from German doppelt hält besser) * Attributed to James Grier Miller by W.V.Quine in ''Word and Object'' *: Ontology recapitulates philology. * [[Albert Einstein]] *: I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude.<ref>[https://books.google.com/books?id=x7vaDgAAQBAJ&pg=PA274 Einstein: His Life and Universe] by Walter Isaacson, 2007 or 2008</ref> * Jak básníci přicházejí o iluze (a Czechoslovak movie), apparently (estimated English title: How Poets Lose their Illusions) *: When I do not become part of the working intelligentsia, I may at least turn out an intelligent person who is working. (A loose translation from Czech: "Když ze mě nebude pracující inteligent, třeba ze mě bude inteligentní pracující."<ref>[https://www.super.cz/clanek/retro-legendarni-hlasky-a-perly-z-nataceni-filmovych-basniku-jak-znelo-jmeno-mireckova-dedecka-a-ktery-herec-sprtal-latinu-1500379 Jak básníci přicházejí o iluze: Zajímavosti z natáčení], super.cz</ref>) * Unknown, a little joke *: There were two tanks in the field: one was Russian and the other one wouldn't start either. (From Czech: "Na poli stály dva tanky: jeden byl ruskej a druhej taky nejel.") * Unknown, I thought this was from Nietzsche but I cannot confirm this, but there is something similar<ref>https://dl1.cuni.cz/pluginfile.php/1157721/mod_resource/content/1/Nietzsche_Poz%C5%AFstalost_V%C5%AFle_k_moci.pdf</ref> (I think this is very misleading) *: The scientific truth is a practically useful kind of error. (Translated from Czech: "Vědecká pravda je prakticky užitečný druh omylu.") * [[Sun Tzu]] *: He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight. * Inspired by Popper (in German), but not in Popper in this exact form, to be placed after Popper quotes Goethe's Faust beginning ([[S: Faust (Goethe)/Prologue]]): *: "The sun-orb sings, in emulation, *: "'Mid brother-spheres, his ancient round: *: "His path predestined through Creation *: "He ends with step of thunder-sound. *: "The angels from his visage splendid *: "Draw power, whose measure none can say; *: "The lofty works, uncomprehended, *: "Are bright [herrlich] as on the earliest day." *: That's how I see the world. One can live here happily and satisfied. But I hardly ever hear that. Instead I hear the bitter complaining and wailing about the allegedly evil world in which we are damned to live. * Lyrics from the 1964 Czechoslovak musical movie ''Starci na chmelu'', loosely translated by me into English *: Whatever the dogmatist is saying, his view remains unhealthy, only this healhy polemic can fix things. (From "Ať dogmatik si co chce říká, je jeho názor nezdravý / jen tahle zdravá polemika / dokáže něco napravit") * K. *: I did not read the email and I disagree with it. * K. *: Herewith, I enforce ... * [[Richard Dawkins]] *: We, alone on earth, can rebel against the tyranny of the selfish replicators. * [[Richard Dawkins]], from memory *: What do you think you are if not a gigantic slumbering robot. * Proverb (from the Bible?) *: There are none so blind as those who will not see. * Šimek and Grossmann, I think, quoting from memory *: You nasty boys, Cabbage whispered. As a punishment, I will no longer tell you anything about the hedgehog. (Translation from Czech from memory: Vy nehodní chlapci, Zelí zašeptal. Za trest vás již nepovím nic nového o ježkovi.) * Šimek and Grossmann, I think, quoting from memory *: I do not want the discount for gratis, said Cabbage slyly, and put a bank note on the desk. (Very approximate translation from Czech from memory: Nechci slevu zadarmo, řekl Zelí vychytrale a položil na stůl stokorunu.) * [[Abraham Lincoln]] *: If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what’s said against me won’t amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.<ref>https://www.abrahamlincoln.org/features/speeches-writings/abraham-lincoln-quotes/index.html</ref> * [[Carl Sagan]] *: In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.<ref>https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/8385-in-science-it-often-happens-that-scientists-say-you-know</ref> * [[Inglourious Basterds]] (English rendered by Google Gemini from the German original, validated by me) *: Major Hellstrom: "Might I perhaps inquire! Like our new father here, I too have a very precise ear for accents. And like him, I find yours extremely strange. Where do you come from, Hauptsturmführer? (German: "Major Hellstrom: Dürfte ich mich vielleicht erkundigen! Wie unser frischgebackener Vater hier, habe auch ich, ein sehr genaues Ohr für Akzente. Und wie er, finde ich Ihren äußerst seltsam. Woher stammen Sie, Hauptsturmführer?") * There's No Joking with the Devils (Czech: S čerty nejsou žerty) *: Czech original<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3T-3VAreh1Y S čerty nejsou žerty - klip (8/22) - Ticho a hlavně nemyslet], youtube.com</ref>: *: A: Když já myslel ... *: B: Ticho! A hlavně nemyslet! [...] *: C: Na myšlení jsme tady my. *: B: No ty rozhodně né, Drápale. *: English tranlation by myself: *: A: Well, I thought ... *: B: Silence! The main thing is not to think! *: C: As for thinking, this is our job. *: B: Certainly not yours, Drápal. * [[Andy Grove]] *: Only the paranoid survive. * Šimek and Sobota (from memory) *: S: Ah, oh, ah, oh, ah, oh. Š: Excuse me, doctor, are you sending some kind od signal? Surely I did not say that much, did I? (From Czech: S: Á, ó, á, ó, á, ó. Š: Pardon, doktore, vy někam něco signalizujete? Snad jsem toho zase tolik neřekl.) * [[Goethe]], from memory *: TBD: professional English translation *: My English translation: *: The small god of the world is still of the same character<br />And is as amazing as on the first day<br />He would live a little better<br />If you had not given him the glitter of heavely light<br />He calls it reason and needs it only<br />To be more beastly than any beast. *: German original: *: Der kleine Gott der Welt ist stets von gleichem Schlag<br />And ist so wunderlich als wie am erstem Tag<br />Ein bischen besser würde er leben<br />Hättest du imh nicht Schein Himmellichts gegeben<br />Er nennt's Vernunft und braucht's alein<br />Um tierischer als jedes Tier zu sein * [[Napoleon Hill]], perhaps, from memory *: Opinions are the cheapest goods in the world: everyone has aplenty and is more than ready to share. * [[Aristotle]], as quoted by [[Stephen R. Covey]], from memory *: Excellence, then, is a habit. * {{W|Gary Provost}} *: How will better spelling improve your writing? Well, for one thing, you won't write ''desert'' when you mean ''dessert''. More important, it will improve your writing by reducing the number of times you annoy the reader. A few misspelled words will jar the reader's concentration, and a lot of misspelled words will wreck your credibility. Right or wrong, the reader will perceive you as . . . well, stupid, to put it bluntly. * [[Mark Twain]] *: I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.<ref>https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/25647-i-do-not-fear-death-i-had-been-dead-for</ref> References: <references/> 3fwvgdpfkw909o3szy415degy1fw2oy 0 77637 3944328 3921228 2026-05-23T01:03:09Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944328 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (2002 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an English-French-Chinese language American-Canadian-Quebecois-Chinese-Mandarin Chinese-Hong Kong Cantonese children's 2D [[w:Animated series|animated]] (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation)) [[w:Television comedy|television comedy]] series, aimed at elementary school children, based on the [[w:Berenstain Bears|children's book series of the same name]] by [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]], and produced, and co-produced by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]], and Agogo Entertainment. The series follows the lives of a family of [[w:Anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] [[bears]] who learn a moral or safety-related lesson during the course of each episode. It ran for forty episodes in three seasons. The series debuted on [[w:PBS Kids|PBS Kids]] in English, in the United States, in 2002, and [[w:Treehouse TV|Treehouse TV]], and [[w:CBC Television|CBC Television]], in English, in Canada, in 2002, and [[w:Vrak|Vrak.TV]], and [[w: Ici Radio-Canada Télé|Radio-Canada Télévision]], in French, in Canada, and Quebec, in 2002. And reruns continue on a limited number of PBS stations as of 2025. ==Seasons== ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|Season 3]] ==Voice cast== * [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] as Brother Bear (Episodes 1-26) * Michael D'Ascenzo as Brother Bear (Episodes 27-40) * [[w:Tajja Isen|Tajja Isen]] as Sister Bear * [[w:Benedict Campbell|Ben Campbell]] as Papa Q. Bear * [[w:Camilla Scott|Camilla Scott]] as Mama Bear * Marc McMulkin as Cousin Freddy * Amanda Soha as Lizzie Bruin * Nikki Marshall as Queenie * [[w:Mark Rendall|Mark Rendall]] as Ferdy Factual * Gage Knox as Too-Tall * Patrick Salvagna as Smirk *Billy Rosemburg as Skuzz * [[w:Leslie Carlson|Leslie Carlson]] as Gramps * [[w:Corinne Conley|Corinne Conley]] as Gran * [[w:Ellen-Ray Hennessy|Ellen-Ray Hennessy]] as Miss Grizzle * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Squire Grizzly *[[w:Philip Williams|Philip Williams]] as Farmer Ben ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0364793|The Berenstain Bears}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (2002 TV series), The}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:YTV shows]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] d0ql9v95dhgjj5okxhexipcajd3nlw4 0 79932 3944353 3935920 2026-05-23T02:26:35Z Markjoseph125 19526 /* External links */ 3944353 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Alan Turing az 1930-as években.jpg|thumb|"There is a remarkably close parallel between the problems of the physicist and those of the cryptographer." — Alan Turing, 1948 (epigraph in ''Cryptonomicon'')]] '''''[[w:Cryptonomicon|Cryptonomicon]]''''' (1999) is a novel by [[Neal Stephenson]], which follows the exploits of two groups of people in two different time periods. One group are World War II-era Allied codebreakers and tactical-deception operatives affiliated with the Government Code and Cypher School at Bletchley Park (UK), and disillusioned Axis military and intelligence figures. The second narrative is set in the late 1990s, with characters who employ cryptologic, telecom, and computer technology to build an underground data haven to facilitate anonymous banking. == Quotes == === Bobby departs Shanghai (prologue) to Randy's first visit to Kinakuta (ch. 20) === [[File:The Marcoses and the Johnsons dancing.jpg|thumb|"[[Ferdinand Marcos|Marcos]] was so smart. He had it all. It's funny; America didn't understand him." — Imelda Marcos]] * "There is a remarkably close parallel between the problems of the physicist and those of the cryptographer. The system on which a message is enciphered corresponds to the laws of the universe, the intercepted messages to the evidence available, the keys for a day or a message to important constants which have to be determined. The correspondence is very close, but the subject matter of cryptography is very easily dealt with by discrete machinery, physics not so easily." ** [[Alan Turing]], epigraph to ''Cryptonomicon''. "Intelligent Machinery: A Report by A. M. Turing," (Summer 1948), submitted to the [[w:National Physical Laboratory (UK)|National Physical Laboratory]] (1948) and published in ''Key Papers: Cybernetics,'' ed. C. R. Evans and A. D. J. Robertson (1968) and, in variant form, in ''Machine Intelligence 5,'' ed. B. Meltzer and D. Michie (1969). * This morning [Imelda Marcos] offered the latest in a series of explanations of the billions of dollars that she and her husband, who died in 1989, are believed to have stolen during his presidency.<br>"It so coincided that Marcos had money," she said. "After the Bretton Woods agreement he started buying gold from Fort Knox. Three thousand tons, then 4,000 tons. I have documents for these: 7,000 tons. Marcos was so smart. He had it all. It's funny; America didn't understand him." ** Epigraph to ''Cryptonomicon'', taken from ''The New York Times'', Monday, 4 March, 1996. * The modern world's hell on haiku writers: "Electrical generator" is, what, eight syllables? You couldn't even fit that onto the second line! ** Prologue ([[w:The Bund|The Bund]] district, Shanghai, 28 November 1941) [[File:Cornelius Vanderbilt seated LCCN2014684711.jpg|thumb|upright|"That should get us all into ''fuck-you money'' before we turn forty."]] * This ain't just your regular Friday p.m. Shanghai bank district money rush. This is an ultimate settling of accounts before the whole [[w:Pacific_War#Japanese_offensives,_1941–42|Eastern Hemisphere catches fire]]. ** Prologue * Let's set the existence-of-God issue aside for a later volume, and just stipulate that in ''some'' way, self-replicating organisms came into existence on this planet and immediately began trying to get rid of each other, either by spamming their environments with rough copies of themselves, or by more direct means which hardly need to be belabored. ** Chapter 1, "Barrens" * When Lawrence understood, it was as if the math teacher had suddenly played the good part of Bach's Fantasia and Fugue in G Minor on a pipe organ the size of the Spiral Nebula in Andromeda. ** Chapter 1, "Barrens" * ''Multiply those two things together and you get the kind of exponential growth that should get us all into fuck-you money before we turn forty.'' </br>This is an allusion to a Randy/Avi conversation of two years ago wherein Avi actually calculated a specific numerical value for "fuck-you money." It was not a fixed constant, however, but rather a cell in a spreadsheet linked to any number of continually fluctuating economic indicators. **Chapter 2, "Novus Ordo Seclorum" * Shaftoe thinks that he has never seen, and will never see, anything as terrible as those stone-faced Chinese women holding their white babies, not even blinking as the firecrackers explode all around them. Until, that is, he looks into the faces of certain Marines who stare into that crowd and see their own faces looking back at them, pudgy with baby fat and streaked with tears. ** Chapter 3, "Seaweed" * The guy in the corner kept reading poetry. For perhaps ten seconds, between the taste of the fish and the sound of the poetry, Shaftoe actually felt comfortable here, and forgot that he was merely instigating a vicious racial brawl. ** Chapter 3, "Seaweed" [[File:USS Augusta (CA-31) moored at Shanghai, China, in 1939 (NH 81985).jpg|thumb|400px|Shaftoe remains on the deck of the gunboat, which casts off from [[w:The Bund|the Bund]], headed for the cruiser ''Augusta'', which awaits in mid-channel.]] * A couple of days into the voyage it becomes apparent that Sergeant Frick has forgotten how to shine his boots.…Now in and of itself this is forgivable. Frick started out his career chasing bandolier-draped desperadoes away from mail trains on the High Chaparral, for God's sake. In '27 he got [[w:China Marines|shipped off to Shanghai]] on very short notice, and no doubt had to ''display some adaptability.'' ** Chapter 3, "Seaweed" (this is the first appearance of "adaptability" a trait valued by both the Shaftoe family and the Marine Corps.) * Lawrence Pritchard Waterhouse and the rest of the band are up on the deck of the ''Nevada'' one morning, playing the national anthem and watching the Stars and Stripes ratchet up the mast, when they are startled to find themselves in the midst of 190 airplanes of unfamiliar design…<br>This is an incredibly realistic training exercise even down to the point of using ethnically correct pilots, and detonating fake explosives on the ships. Lawrence heartily approves. Things have just been too lax around this place…<br>…Waterhouse is vaguely aware of a lot of stuff coming at him really fast. ** Chapter 5, "Indigo" (December 7, 1941) * But what if it isn't that clear-cut? What if the action is one that would merely be ''really improbable'' unless the Americans were breaking the code? What if the Americans, in the long run, are just too damn lucky? ** Chapter 5, "Indigo" (Lawrence Waterhouse contemplates the downside of an enemy code being broken) * "So, you're the UNIX guru." At the time, Randy was still stupid enough to be flattered by this attention, when he should have recognized them as bone-chilling words.<br/> Three years later, he left the Astronomy Department without a degree, and with nothing to show for his labors except six hundred dollars in his bank account and a staggeringly comprehensive knowledge of UNIX. **Chapter 6, "The Spawn of Onan" [[File:GuadCoastwatcher.gif|thumb|300px|"Who you talking to, Red?"<br>"Long story. Maybe I'll introduce you to [[w:Transhumanism|some of them]]…My name is Enoch Root, but you can call me Brother."]] * Hollywood was merely a specialized bank — a consortium of large financial entities that hired talent, almost always for a flat rate, ordered that talent to create a product, and then marketed that product to death, all over the world, in every conceivable medium. **Chapter 6, "The Spawn of Onan" * Bobby Shaftoe reports back to his ship, and is not granted any more shore leave. He does manage to have a conversation with Uncle Jack, the last of the Manila Shaftoes…who has always been an odd combination of salty waterfront trader and perfumed dandy.<br>When Bobby repeats the latest rumors, Uncle Jack's face collapses. No one hereabouts is willing to face the fact that they are about to be besieged by Nips. Bobby watches as he putt-putts away on his little boat…knowing that he is probably the last member of his family who will ever see Uncle Jack alive. ** Chapter 7, "Burn" * The fellow has a red beard, which makes it just a bit less probable that he is a Nipponese soldier. But what is he? He prods like a doctor and prays like a priest in Latin, even. Silver hair buzzed close to a tanned skull. Shaftoe scans the fellow's clothing for some kind of insignia. He's hoping to see a ''Semper Fidelis'' but instead he reads: ''Societas Eruditorum'' and ''Ignoti et quasi occulti.''<br>"Ignoti et…what the fuck does that mean?" he asks.<br>"Hidden and unknown more or less," says the man. ** Chapter 9, “Guadalcanal” * Shaftoe needs morphine. He says as much to Red.<br>"If you think you need it now," Red says, "just wait." He tosses his rifle to a native, strides up to Shaftoe, and heaves him up over his shoulders in a fireman's carry. Shaftoe screams. A couple of Zeroes fly overhead, as they stride into the jungle. "My name is Enoch Root," says Red, "but you can call me Brother." ** Chapter 9, “Guadalcanal” [[File:Ronald Reagan in World War II (34836976434).png|thumb|upright|"What advice do you have for…Marines on their way to Guadalcanal?"<br>"…kill the one with the sword first."]] * Ronald Reagan has a stack of three by five cards in his lap. He skids up a new one: "What advice do you, as the youngest American fighting man ever to win both the Navy Cross and the Silver Star, have for any young Marines on their way to Guadalcanal?" <br/>Shaftoe doesn't have to think very long... <br/>"Just kill the one with the sword first." <br/>"Ah...''Smarrrt''—you target them because they're the officers, right?" <br/>"No, fuckhead!" Shaftoe yells. "You kill 'em because they've got fucking swords! You ever had anyone running at you waving a ''fucking sword''?" ** Chapter 11, "Nightmare" * The "sir, yes sir" business, which would probably sound like horseshit to any civilian, makes sense to Shaftoe and to the officers…a system of etiquette within which it becomes possible for groups of men to do all kinds of incredibly weird shit without killing each other or completely losing their minds. ** Chapter 11, "Nightmare" * There is no in-between with these people. You have to walk a mile to find a telephone booth, but when you find it, it is built as if the senseless dynamiting of pay phones had been a serious problem at some time in the past. ** Chapter 12, "Londinium" * Officers actually like it when you forget their orders because it reminds them of how much smarter they are than you. It makes them feel needed. ** Chapter 15, "Meat" === Lawrence meets the Duke of Qwghlm (ch. 21) to Yamamoto meets his death (ch. 39) === * Something red flickers in the mouth of the cave, shaped like the forked tongue of a reptile. Then a moving slab of living jungle explodes from the mouth of the cave and crashes into the foliage below. It is low to the ground, moving on all fours. It pauses for a moment and flicks its tongue towards the Imperial Marine who is now hobbling into the Pacific Ocean some fifty feet distant. ** Chapter 24, "Lizard" [[File:John Archer Lejeune and Wendell C. Neville LCCN2016889165.jpg|thumb|300px|"We have another job for you, Marine."<br>"Sir! Yes sir!"<br>"You're going to be part of something very special."<br>"Sir! The Marine Raiders are already a very special—"<br>"I mean that this assignment is…unusual."]] * "Shit!" he says.<br />"What’s wrong, Sarge?"<br />"I just always say that when I wake up," Shaftoe says. ** Chapter 24, "Lizard" * EXTREMELY SERIOUS [[w:Forward-looking statement|WARNING]]<br />Unless you are as smart as [[Carl Friedrich Gauss|Johann Karl Friedrich Gauss]], savvy as a half-blind [[w:Boot_Polish_%28film%29|Calcutta bootblack]], tough as General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], rich as the [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen of England]], emotionally resilient as a [[w:Boston Red Sox|Red Sox]] fan, and as generally able to take care of yourself as the average [[Crimson_Tide#Captain_Frank_Ramsey|nuclear missile submarine commander]], you should never have been allowed near this document. Please dispose of it as you would any piece of high-level radioactive waste and then arrange with a qualified surgeon to amputate your arms at the elbows and gouge your eyes from their sockets…If you ignore this warning, read on at your peril — you are dead certain to lose everything you've got and live out your final decades beating back waves of [[w:Termite|termites]] in a [[w:National_Hansen%27s_Disease_Museum|Mississippi Delta leper colony]]. <br />Still reading? Great. Now that we've scared off the lightweights, let's get down to business. ** Chapter 26, "Why" (intro of mock summary of Avi's business plan template) * ''Phase n:'' before the ink on our Nobel Prize certificates is dry…all proceeds will be redistributed among our shareholders, who will hardly notice, since Spreadsheet 265 demonstrates that, by this time, the company will be larger than the British Empire [[w:British_Empire#Britain.27s_imperial_century_.281815.E2.80.931914.29|at its zenith]].....<br />RESUMES: Just recall the opening reel of ''[[w:The Magnificent Seven|The Magnificent Seven]]''. ** Chapter 26, "Why" (conclusion of mock summary of Avi's business plan template) [[File:Henschel Hs 126.svg|thumb|300px|Shaftoe, lying on his back in the shade of a tree, looked straight up into the air and counted the rivets on the belly of a Henschel Hs 126.]] * Randy reads another message simply because of the return address: ''root@pallas.eruditorum.org''<br>On a UNIX machine, "root" is the name of the most godlike of all users, the one who can read, erase, or edit any file…professional courtesy demands he at least read this message.<br>''I read about your project.<br>Why are you doing it?''<br>Arguing with anonymous strangers on the Internet is a sucker's game because they almost always turn out to be or to be indistinguishable from self-righteous sixteen-year-olds possessing infinite amounts of free time. ** Chapter 26, "Why" * Randy opens up a terminal window and types<br> ''whois eruditorum.org''<br>and a second later gets back a block of text from the [[w:InterNIC|InterNIC]]:<br>''eruditorum.org (Societas Eruditorum)''<br>followed by a mailing address in Leipzig, Germany.<br>''Record last updated on 18 Nov 98.<br>Record created on 1 Mar 90.''<br>The "90" jumps out. That's a prehistoric date by Internet standards. It means that Societas Eruditorum was way ahead of the game. Especially for a group based in Leipzig, which was part of East Germany until about then. ** Chapter 26, "Why" [[File:The Home Guard 1939-1945 H5745.jpg|thumb|300px|…But the [[w:Vickers machine gun|Vickers]] in the back of this truck was ''water cooled''. It actually had a fucking ''radiator'' on it. It had ''infrastructure''.]] * Corporal Benjamin hesitated, one hand poised above his radio key. "Sarge, are you sure they know we're here?"<br>Everyone turned to see how Shaftoe would respond to this mild challenge. He had been slowly gathering a reputation as a man who needed watching.<br>Shaftoe turned on his heel and strolled out into the middle of a clearing a few yards away…The [[w:Henschel Hs 126|Henschel]] was coming back for another pass, now so close to the ground that you could probably throw a rock through its windshield. Shaftoe unslung his tommy gun, pulled back the bolt, cradled it, swung it up and around, and opened fire…The Henschel went out of control almost immediately. ** Chapter 30, "RAM" * In Shaftoe's post-high school experience he had found that guns…kicked back and heated up, got dirty, and jammed eventually…But the [[w:Vickers machine gun|Vickers]] in the back of this truck was ''water cooled''. It actually had a fucking ''radiator'' on it. It had ''infrastructure''…and a whole crew of technicians to fuss over it. But once the damn thing was up and running, it could fire continuously for days — as long as people kept scurrying up to it with more belts of ammunition. ** Chapter 30, "RAM" * Randy watches them in turn: Bad Suit Asians and Good Suit Asians. The former have grizzled buzz cuts and nicotine-tanned skin and look like killers. They are wearing bad suits, not because they can't afford good ones, but because they don't give a shit. ** Description of Crypt clients, specifically General Wing's lieutenants, Chapter 36, "Sultan" === Lawrence discovers Rudy's code (ch. 40) to Julieta's wedding (ch. 60) === * "...when I talk about Holocaust type stuff happening in Mexico, you give me this shit about the mean nasty old Spaniards! Why? Because history has been distorted… As the descendant of people who were expelled from Spain by the Inquisition, I have no illusions about them," Avi says, "but, at their worst, the Spaniards were a million times better than the Aztecs. I mean, it really says something about how bad the Aztecs were that, when the Spaniards showed up and raped the place, things actually got a lot better around there.” ** Chapter 46, "HEAP" * He hears the flint of Julieta's lighter itching once, twice, thrice behind his ear. Then her chest pushes him up as her lungs fill with smoke. ** Chapter 52, "Meteor" * It goes without saying that the Finns have to have their own ''[[w:Sui generis|sui generis]]'' brand of automatic weapon. ** footnote referenced from first mention of the [[w:Suomi_M-31_SMG|Suomi machine pistol]], possibly indicative of author's [[w:In_The_Beginning_Was_The_Command_Line|appreciation of the Finnish-made Linux]]; Chapter 52, "Meteor" [[File:Leipzig Hansahaus Merkurkopf.jpg|thumb|300px|Randy types ''whois eruditorum.org''<br>…<br>''record created on 1 Mar 90''<br>…<br>The "90" jumps out…prehistoric by Internet standards. It means that Societas Eruditorum was way ahead of the game.]] * Doug has spread out miscellaneous contents on a tabletop to be photographed and cataloged. Ex-Navy SEAL Douglas MacArthur Shaftoe has, at the peak of his career, become a sort of librarian. ** Chapter 53, "Lavender Rose" * "So we suspect his name was Rudolf von Hacklheber," Doug Shaftoe says.…"There was a man by that name who wrote a couple of mathematics papers back in the thirties. And there are some organizations in and around Leipzig, Germany, that use the name…a defunct reinsurance company."<br>Doug pings one fingernail against a glass tray full of a transparent liquid. An envelope, unglued and spreadeagled, is floating in it.<br>Randy bends over and peers at it. Something has been written on the back in pencil…Randy flips the envelope over…It says:<br>''WATERHOUSE LAVENDER ROSE.'' ** Chapter 53, "Lavender Rose" * "Did he ever get it (i.e., the radio transmitter) to work?"<br>"Beats me," Shaftoe says, "but when big pieces of burning shit start falling out of the sky in my neighborhood, makes me wonder." ** Chapter 55, "Dönitz" * World-class cereal-eating is a dance of fine compromises. The giant heaping bowl of sodden cereal, awash in milk, is the mark of the novice. Ideally one wants the bone-dry cereal nuggets and the cryogenic milk to enter the mouth with minimal contact and for the entire reaction between them to take place in the mouth… The next-best thing is putting only a small amount in your bowl and eating it all up before it becomes a pit of loathsome slime, which takes about thirty seconds in the case of [[w:Cap'n Crunch|Cap'n Crunch]]. ** Chapter 56, "Crunch" (portions of the chapter were also published as a short story by the same name in ''[[w:Disco 2000|Disco 2000]]'', 1999) * Aging Filipinas in prom dresses have come and gone across the lobby of the [[w:Manila Hotel|Manila Hotel]] for as long as Randy has known the place…Pursuing an explanation for every strange thing you see in the Philippines is like trying to get every last bit of rainwater out of a discarded tire. ** Chapter 56, "Crunch" * When Waterhouse returns from work that evening, he blunders into the parlor and interrupts Mrs. McTeague having tea with a young lady…Mary Smith…a petite girl dressed in a uniform.<br>She is the only woman Waterhouse has ever seen. She is the only other human being in the universe actually, and when she stands up to shake his hand, his peripheral vision shuts down as if he has been sucking on a tailpipe.<br>Mrs. McTeague, knowing the score, bids him sit down.<br>Mary averts her eyes from his and when she swallows there is a certain cord in her white neck that stands out for a moment. Her skin, as unmarked as clear water, is an extravagant display of vibrant animal power. He wants his tongue on it.<br>She sees him looking at her, and swallows again. She may just as well have caved his head in with a stone and tied his penis round a hitching rail. The effect must be calculated. But apparently she has not ever done it to anyone else, or there would be a band of gold round her ring-finger. ** Chapter 57, "Girl" * Enoch Root has an old cigar box on his lap. Golden light is shining out of the crack around its lid…which contains the stuff Shaftoe wants: not morphine. Something better than morphine. Morphine is to the stuff in the cigar box what a Shanghai prostitute is to Glory. The box flies open and blinding light comes out of it. ** Chapter 58, "Conspiracy" * "I ran statistical analyses of convoy sinkings and U-boat attacks," von Hacklheber said. "Certainly if they were smart enough to break the [[w:Enigma machine|Enigma]] they would be smart enough to conceal the fact…It all came down to lengthy and tedious work."<br>Shaftoe cringes, wondering what something would have to be like in order to qualify as lengthy and tedious to this joker.<br>"It was obvious that Detachment 2702 was in the business of deceiving the Wehrmacht by [[w:London Controlling Section|concealing the fact that the Enigma had been broken]]."<br>When von Hacklheber explains this, everything that Detachment 2702 ever did suddenly makes sense. ** Chapter 58, "Conspiracy" [[File:Ghostarmypatch.jpg|thumb|upright|Insignia of the [[w:Ghost Army|Ghost Army]], or 23rd HQ Special Troops (tactical deception) was a real-world Detachment 2702 that misdirected the Wehrmacht.]] * Von Hacklheber shrugs and looks at the burning tip of his cigarette. "You expect them to throw all those Enigma machines away because one mathematician writes a paper?" ** Chapter 58, "Conspiracy" * [[w:Hermann Göring|Reichsmarschall Hermann Göring]] makes his way towards the rear of the train. His body is about as big as the hull of a torpedo boat, draped in a circus tent sized Chinese silk robe…He has the largest belly of any man Rudy has ever seen, and it is covered with golden hair that deepens as the belly curves under, until it becomes a tawny thicket that completely conceals his genitals. He is not really expecting to see two men sitting here eating breakfast, but seems to consider Rudy and Angelo's presence here to be one of life's small anomalies. ** Chapter 58, "Conspiracy" * Give those Finns a grim, stark, bleak moral dilemma and a bottle of schnapps and you could pretty much forget about them for forty-eight hours. ** Chapter 60, "Rocket" * "If you're trying to say that my relationship with the Church is very complicated, I already knew that, Bobby.” ** Chapter 60, "Rocket" (Enoch Root) * Two large black Mercedes issue from the forest, like bad ideas emerging from the dim mind of a green lieutenant. Germans climb out and stand up. This is the moment, then. Nazis are right over there and it is the job of Bobby Shaftoe to kill them all…because they are the living avatars of Satan, who publicly acknowledge being just as bad and vicious as they really are. ** Chapter 60, "Rocket" * Ask a Russian engineer to design you a shoe, and he'll give you something that looks like the box the shoe came in. Ask him to design something that will slaughter Germans, and he turns into Thomas fucking Edison. ** Chapter 60, "Rocket" [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 146-1979-089-22, Hermann Göring und Paul Conrath.jpg|thumb|upright|[Göring's] body is about as big as the hull of a torpedo boat, draped in a circus tent sized Chinese silk robe.]] * Root drifts off into a coma, mumbling something about cigars…<br>Rudy is nowhere to be found, and Shaftoe suspects he has blown town. But then suddenly he shows up at Root's bedside holding an ancient Cuban cigar box, Spanish words all over it. ** Chapter 60, "Rocket" * Swedish people are beginning to come out of their houses. They look exactly like American midwesterners, and Shaftoe's always startled when they fail to speak English. ** Chapter 60, "Rocket" === Lawrence is punched at a dance (ch. 61) to Goto exits Golgotha (ch. 81) === * "Hey, friend!" says Mary's date. Waterhouse turns towards the sound of the voice. The sloppy grin draped across his face serves as a convenient bulls eye, and Mary's date's fist homes in on it unerringly. ** Chapter 61, "Courting" * Father John snaps awake, and Mr. Drkh looks as if he's just taken a fifty caliber round in the small of his back.<br>Clearly, Mr. Drkh has had a long career of being the weirdest person in any given room, but he's about to go down in flames. ** Chapter 64, "Organ" * In general, Waterhouse isn't good at just winging it, but he's tired and pissed off and horny, and this is a fucking war, and sometimes you have to. He mounts the podium, dives for a round of chalk, and starts hammering equations onto the blackboard like an ack-ack gun. ** Chapter 64, "Organ" * Many of the females wouldn’t talk to him it all, or would come near him only the better to fix him with frosty glares and appraise his presumed new girlfriend. This only stands to reason, since, before she left for Yale, Charlene had the better part of a year to popularize her version of events. She has been able to structure the discourse to her advantage, just like a [[w:Dead white males|dead white male]]. ** Chapter 65, "Home" * Weirdly, the ones who adopted the sternest and most terrible Old Testament moral tone were the [[w:Modern Language Association|Modern Language Association]] types who believed that everything was relative and that, for example, polygamy was as valid as monogamy. The friendliest and most sincere welcome he’d gotten was from Scott, a chemistry professor, and Laura, a pediatrician, who… had one day divulged to Randy, in strict confidence, that they had been spiriting their three children off to church every Sunday morning, and even had them all baptized…Even if they thought he had done something evil, they at least had a framework, a sort of procedure manual, for dealing with transgressions. ** Chapter 65, "Home" [[File:Royal Albert Lavender Rose Large Teapot.jpg|thumb|He pretends to admire it from the side, and then flips it over to read the words glazed on the bottom.<br>''ROYAL ALBERT<br>LAVENDER ROSE.'']] * The hot rod's trunk is a ferrous, oily chasm all a'bang with tire chains, battered ammo boxes, and, unless Randy's eyes are playing tricks on him, a pair of samurai swords. ** Chapter 68, "Caravan." 300-year-old Shaftoe family heirlooms "reappear" (although this is their first appearance in a published work by Neal Stephenson) * M.A. is a pretty straightforward by the book type, the kind who'll get good grades and fit well into any kind of hierarchical organization. Robin, on the other hand, is more of a wild card. He has the makings of either a total loser or a successful entrepreneur. Randy has spilled a hell of a lot of information to Robin, in just a couple of days, about digital currency and the new global economy. Randy's mental state is such that he is prone to babbling aimlessly for hours at a time. Robin has hoovered it all up." ** Chapter 68, "Caravan" (description of cousins Marcus Aurelius Shaftoe and Robin Shaftoe, resembling their distant Shaftoe forbears, Bob and Jack, in [[The Baroque Cycle|''Quicksilver'']]) * "I mean," Randy says, "from the general attitude they copped, when they fishtailed to a stop in the middle of my front yard…obviously the number one mission objective was to ensure that the flower of Shaftoe womanhood was being treated with all of the respect, decency, worshipfulness, et cetera, properly owed it.”<br>"Oh. That's not really the vibe that I got…my family sticks together. Just 'cause we haven't seen each other for a while doesn't mean our obligations have lapsed.” ** Chapter 68, "Caravan." * "'Scuse me, General, Bobby Shaftoe reporting for duty, sir!" <br>"And who the hell might you be, Bobby Shaftoe?" says this general, hardly batting an eye. [[w:Julius Klein|This guy]] actually has a German accent!<br>"I've killed more Nips [[w:Sagami Trough|than seismic activity]]…I know Manila like the back of my hand. My wife and child are there. And I'm kinda at loose ends. Sir!"<br>In London, in D.C., he'd never have gotten this close, and if he had, he'd have been shot or arrested. But this is [[w: South West Pacific Area (command)|SOWESPAC]], and so the next morning he's on a B-17 bound for [[w:Jayapura|Hollandia]], wearing Army green, no rank. ** Chapter 69, “The General” [[File:Mt. Cagua, Cagayan Province, with rice fields - ZooKeys-266-001-g008.jpg|thumb|"The name of this place is Bundok," Captain Noda tells Goto confidently. "We have chosen it carefully." Five rivers sprawl from its triple summit.]] * "Oh, the gravy boat!" Randy’s mom exclaims, and hoists up something that is more of a heavy cruiser than a boat…He pretends to admire it from the side, and then flips it over to read the words glazed on the bottom.<br>''ROYAL ALBERT<br>LAVENDER ROSE.'' ** Chapter 70, "Origin" * Aunt Nina says, "How about you, Randy? As the eldest son of the eldest son, you must have some feelings about this."<br>"No doubt when my parents' time comes, they will pass on some of Grandma and Grandpa's legacy to me," Randy says.<br>"Oh, very circumspect. Well done," Aunt Nina says. "But as the only grandchild who has any memories of your grandfather at all, there must be something here that you might like to have."<br>"There'll probably be some odds and ends that nobody wants," Randy says. Then like an almost perfect moron — like an organism genetically engineered to be a total, stupid idiot — Randy glances directly at the Trunk. Then he tries to hide it, which only makes it more conspicuous.<br>Aunt Nina is walking around the trunk, kind of spiraling in towards it in a rapidly decaying orbit. "Hmm. What's in here?" ** Chapter 70, "Origin" * Lawrence Pritchard Waterhouse's widow and five children agree that Dad did something in the war, and that's about all. There is not even agreement on whether he was in the Army or the Navy, which seems like a pretty fundamental plot point to Randy. Was he in Europe or Asia? Opinions differ. ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" * Until she had gotten too old to drive, Grandmother had continued to tool around Whitman in the [[w:Lincoln_Continental#1964–1965|1965 Lincoln Continental]], which was the last vehicle her husband had purchased, from Whitman's Patterson Lincoln Mercury, before his untimely death. Whenever any of her offspring came to visit, someone would discreetly slip out to the garage to yank the dipstick, which would always be mysteriously topped up with clear amber colored 10W40. It eventually turned out that her late husband had summoned the entire living male lineage of the Patterson family — four generations of them — into his hospital room and wrought some kind of unspecified pact with them…<br>So ever since, guerilla mechanic teams had been swiping her Lincoln from the church parking lot on Sunday mornings and taking it down to Patterson's for ''sub rosa'' oil changes. The ability of the Lincoln to run flawlessly for a quarter of a century without maintenance — without even putting gasoline in the tank — had only confirmed Grandmother's opinions about the amusing superfluity of male pursuits. ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" [[File:1965_Lincoln_Continental_Sedan.jpg|thumb|Grandmother [Waterhouse] had continued to tool around Whitman in the 1965 Lincoln Continental, which was the last vehicle her husband had purchased.]] * "One of the most frightening things about your true nerd, for many people, is not that he's socially inept — because everybody's been ''there''— but rather his complete lack of embarrassment about it."<br> "Which is still kind of pathetic."<br> "It was pathetic when they were in high school," Randy says. "Now it's something else." ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" * Chester's eyebrows go up. Amy glances out the window; her hair, skin, and clothes take on a pronounced reddish tinge from Doppler effect as she drops out of the conversation at relativistic velocity. ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" * Your younger nerd takes offense quickly when someone near him begins to utter declarative sentences, because he reads into it an assertion that he, the nerd, does not already know the information being imparted. But your older nerd has more self-confidence, and understands that people need to think out loud. ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" * "I don't even know when they got married," Randy says. "Isn't that horrible?"<br/> "September of 1945," Amy says. "I dragged it out of her."<br/> "Wow."<br/> "Girl talk."<br/> "I didn't know you were even rigged for girl talk."<br/> "We can all do it." ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" [[File:PapuaNG.png|thumb|New Guinea is a nasty-looking piece of work: a gangrenous dragon with a wicked, rocky spine. Shaftoe can plainly see that such a country could only be conquered by a [[w:Douglas MacArthur|man]] who was completely fucking out of his mind.]] * Grandmother has always had this knack for telling people the obvious in a way that is scrupulously polite but that makes the recipient feel like a butthead for having wasted her time.<br />"It is, uh, I think, kind of unusual," Randy says, "for a man to be in both the Army and the Navy during the same war. Usually it's one or the other.”<br />"Lawrence had both an Army uniform and a Navy uniform," Grandmother says, in the same tone she'd used to say he had both a small intestine and a large intestine, "and he would wear whichever one was appropriate.”<br />"Of course he would," Randy says. ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" * They have been in suspended animation for more than fifty years, stored on a dead medium, and now Randy is going to breathe life into them again. If they flourish, it should make Randy's life a little more interesting. Not that it's devoid of interest now, but it is easier to introduce new complications than to resolve the old ones. ** Chapter 72, "Seattle" (Randy Waterhouse ponders a crate of [[w:Punched card|punched cards]] found in his late grandfather's attic.) * He has the mysterious physical strength that seems to be common among bald men, and he has a kind of mesmerizing leadership power over the other Chinese. He somehow manages to get them excited about moving the boulder. ** Chapter 73, "Rock" (description of Wing, a Chinese prisoner in a secret Japanese excavation site in the Philippines and future Red Army general) * "That time in Seattle was a fucking nightmare. I came out of it dead broke, without anything except a girlfriend and a knowledge of UNIX."<br>"Well, that's something," Avi says. "Normally those two are mutually exclusive." ** Chapter 74, "The Most Cigarettes" [[File:Inflight Passenger System.png|thumb|Randy hangs up and the phone rings again almost immediately.<br>"Who the fuck are you?" Doug Shaftoe says, "I call you on the airplane, and I get a busy signal."]] * "I think it's better to aspire to having Amy than to actually have Charlene," Avi says. "Sometimes wanting is better than having." ** Chapter 74, "The Most Cigarettes." (Avi paraphrases a line by TV screenwriter Theodore Sturgeon, spoken by the character [[w:Spock|Spock]] in a [[Star_Trek:_The_Original_Series#Amok_Time|1967 episode]] of ''Star Trek: The Original Series'') * It is so disorienting to have one's phone ring on an airplane that Randy doesn't know what to make of it for a while.<br>When he finally has the thing turned on and at his ear, a voice says, "You call that subtle? You think that you and Doug Shaftoe are the only two people in the world who know that Sultan Class passengers can receive incoming phone calls?"<br>Randy is certain he's never heard this voice before. It is the voice of an old man. Not a voice worn out or cracking with age, but a voice that's been slowly worn smooth, like the steps of a cathedral. ** Randy's first voice conversation with "root@[[w:Societas Eruditorum|eruditorum.org]]"; Chapter 78, "Pontifex" [[File:USN 1118318.jpg|thumb|"That son of a bitch had soldiers and Marines crawling over Luzon, supposedly on training missions…I think they were looking for [[w:Yamashita%27s_gold|the Primary]]." — D.M. Shaftoe]] * "You should be a billionaire, Randy. Thank god you're not.”<br />"Why do you say that?”<br />"Oh, because then you'd be a highly intelligent man who never has to make difficult choices, who never has to exert his mind.” ** Chapter 78, "Pontifex" (Randy's grandfather, Lawrence Waterhouse, never attempted to patent his innovations in computing technology.) * Randy hangs up and the phone rings again almost immediately.<br>"Who the fuck are you?" Doug Shaftoe says, "I call you on the airplane, and I get a busy signal." ** Chapter 78, "Pontifex" * According to their family lore, the first Shaftoes to come to America worked as indentured servants in tobacco and cotton fields. As soon as they could get away, [[The Baroque Cycle#Epilogues|they did]], and headed uphill. The mountains of [[w:Luzon|Luzon]] beckon Shaftoe in the same way away from the malarial lowlands, up towards Glory. ** Chapter 79, "Glory" * "Jesus! Can't you recognize bullshit? Don't you think it would be a useful item to add to your intellectual toolkits to be capable of saying, when a ton of wet steaming bullshit lands on your head, 'My goodness, this appears to be bullshit'?"' ** Chapter 80, "The Primary" (Doug Shaftoe, speaking with the Epiphyte II Corp. principals in [[w:Kinakuta|Kinakuta]]) [[File:Disco Ball (Unsplash).jpg|thumb|”But this is not so bad," Attorney Alejandro says, radiating insincerity like a mirrored ball in a disco.]] * "You know something?" fires back Doug. "During the Vietnam war, which was [[w:Robert_McNamara#Secretary_of_Defense|Old Man Comstock's]] brainchild, the American military presence in the Philippines was huge. That son of a bitch had soldiers and marines crawling over Luzon, supposedly on training missions. But I think they were looking for something. I think they were looking for [[w:Yamashita%27s_gold|the Primary]].” ** Chapter 80, "The Primary" === Randy's arrest (ch. 82) to Randy on covers of ''Time'' and ''Newsweek'' (ch. 102) === * Another thing he did this morning was to download the current version of the '''''Cryptonomicon''''' from the ftp server where it lives in San Francisco. Randy's never looked at it in detail, but he has heard it contains samples of code, or at least algorithms, that he could use to attack Arethusa. With luck, the very latest public code breaking techniques in the ''Cryptonomicon'' might match up to the classified technology that Pontifex and his colleagues were employing at the NSA thirty years ago. ** Chapter 82, "Bust" * The sample messages used [in the ''Cryptonomicon''] are like ONE PLANE REPORTED LOST AT SEA and TROOPS HAVING DIFFICULTY MAINTAINING CONNECTION WITH FORTY FIFTH INFANTRY STOP which Randy finds kind of hokey until he remembers that the book was written by people who probably didn't know what "hokey" meant, who lived in some radically different pre-hokiness era where planes really did get lost at sea and the people in those planes never came back to see their families…<br>Randy feels like a little shit when he thinks about this stuff. ** Chapter 82, "Bust" [[File:Pallas Athena and the Herdsman's Dogs MET DP169386.jpg|thumb|400px|“Athena, the supernatural chick with the helmet, is of course nonexistent, but 'Athena' the external generator of the internal representation dubbed Athena by the ancient Greeks must have existed back then, or else the internal representation never would have been generated. And if she existed back then, the chances are excellent that she exists now."]] * "Someone is trying to send you a message," Attorney Alejandro says, scant minutes into his first interview with his new client.<br/> Randy's ready for it. "Why does everyone here have these incredibly cumbersome ways of sending me messages? Don't you people have e-mail?" **Chapter 84, "Captivity" * "You know what this is? It's one of those men-are-from-Mars, women-are-from-Venus things."<br>"I have not heard of this phrase but I understand immediately what you are saying."<br>"It's one of those American [[w:Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus|books]] where once you're heard the title you don't even need to read it," Randy says.<br>"Then I won't." ** Chapter 84, "Captivity" * The General continues, as if he were reading this from a script. "And now, when I least expect it, I encounter you, here, many leagues distant from your assigned post, out of uniform, in a disheveled condition, accompanied by a Nipponese officer, violating the sanctity of a ladies' powder room! Shaftoe, have you no sense whatsoever of military honor? Do you not respect decorum?" ** Chapter 85, "Glamor" * "Who's the lady in the middle? The Virgin Mary?" Randy asks.<br>Root fingers the medallion without looking at it, and says, "Reasonable guess. But wrong. It's [[w:Athena|Athena]].”<br>"The Greek goddess? How do you square that with Christianity?"<br>"When I phoned you the other day, how did you know it was me?"<br>"I don't know. I just recognized you."<br>"Recognized me? What does that mean? You didn't recognize my voice."<br>"Is this some roundabout way of answering my question?" ** Chapter 88, "Metis" * And then there is Dionysus, who isn't even fully a god — he's half human, but gets to be in the Pantheon anyway and sit on Olympus with the Gods, as if you went to the Supreme Court and found [[w:Bozo the Clown|Bozo the Clown]] planted among the justices. ** Chapter 88, "Metis" [[File:Stuttgart - Süd - Karlshöhe - Athenebrunnen - Athene und Zeus 1.jpg|thumb|"I think we can still agree that something a little peculiar was going on with the nativity of Athena."]] * "Now in many other mythologies you can find gods that have parallels with Athena,” Enoch says. “The Sumerians had [[Snow Crash|Enki]], the Norse had [[w:Loki|Loki]]. Loki was an inventor god, but psychologically he had more in common with [[w:Ares|Ares]]…Native Americans had tricksters — creatures full of cunning like [[w:Coyote (mythology)|Coyote]] and [[w:Raven Tales|Raven]] — in their mythologies, but they didn't have technology yet, and so they hadn't coupled the Trickster with Crafts to generate this hybrid Technologist god…Cunning people tend to attain power that uncunning people don't. And all cultures are fascinated by this. Some of them admire it… Others, like the Norse, hate it and identify it with the Devil."<br>"Hence the strange love-hate relationship that Americans have with hackers," Randy says.<br>"That's right. But something different happened with the Greeks. The Greeks liked their geeks. That's how we get Athena." ** Chapter 88, "Metis" * People smell all kinds of ways before they have burned, but only one way afterwards. ** Chapter 89, "Slaves" * Goto Dengo inquires about how Randy and Avi got into their current lines of work, and how they formed their partnership. This is a reasonable question, but it forces them to explain the entire concept of [[w:Role-playing game|fantasy role-playing games]]. If Randy had known this would happen, he would have thrown himself bodily through a window instead of taking a seat. But Goto Dengo instantly cross-correlates it to developments in the Nipponese game industry…By the time he's finished, Goto makes them feel like geniuses who were ten years ahead of their time.<br>His English started out minimal and is getting better and better…as if he is slowly dusting off substantial banks of memory and processing power, nursing them on-line like tube amplifiers. ** Chapter 95, "Goto Sama" * "Gold is the corpse of value," says Goto Dengo.<br/> "I don't understand."<br/> "If you want to understand, look out the Window!" says the patriarch, and sweeps his cane around in an arc that encompasses half of Tokyo. "Fifty years ago, it was flames. Now it is lights! Do you understand? The leaders of Nippon were stupid. They took all the gold out of Tokyo and buried it in holes in the ground in the Philippines! Because they thought that [[w:Douglas MacArthur|The General]] would march into Tokyo and steal it. But The General didn't care about the gold. He understood that the real gold is here—" he points to his head "—in the intelligence of the people, and in the work that they do. Getting rid of our gold was the best thing that ever happened to Nippon. It made us rich. Receiving that gold was the worst thing that happened to the Philippines. It made them poor." ** Chapter 95, "Goto Sama" (present day) [[File:Tokyo Night (109220115).jpeg|thumb|500px| "Gold is the corpse of value," says Goto Dengo. "If you want to understand, look out the Window!"]] * "But before this war, all of this gold was out here, in the sunlight. In the world. Yet look what happened." Goto Dengo shudders. "Wealth that is stored up in gold is dead. It rots and stinks. True wealth is made every day by men getting up out of bed and going to work. By schoolchildren doing their lessons, improving their minds. Tell those men that if they want wealth, they should come to Nippon with me after the war. We will start businesses and build things." ** Chapter 96, "R.I.P." (Goto Dengo to Enoch Root, 1945) * An idea springs out of his forehead fully formed, with no warning. This is how all the best ideas arrive. Ideas that he patiently cultivates from tiny seeds always fail to germinate or else grow up into monstrosities. Good ideas are just there all of a sudden, like angels in the Bible. You cannot ignore them just because they are ridiculous. ** Chapter 98, "Crib" (Lawrence Waterhouse) * Enoch Root spends some time alone with Amy and suddenly her leg gets a lot better. He explains that he applied a local folk remedy, but Amy refuses to say anything about it. ** Chapter 102, "Liquidity" * Someone arrives from the outside world and convinces Randy he's on the cover of both ''Time'' and ''Newsweek''. Randy doesn't consider it to be good news…It did not enter his calculations that being on the cover of newsweeklies, and people standing in the jungle holding banners with his name on them, would in any way characterize his life. Now he never wants to leave the jungle. ** Chapter 102, "Liquidity" == External links == {{wikipedia}} [http://www.jokecamp.com/blog/cryptonomicon-the-ultimate-computer-geek-novel-reading-aids/ Cryptonomicon - The Ultimate Computer Geek Novel Reading Aids] [[Category:Neal Stephenson books]] [[Category:Science fiction books]] [[Category:American novels]] 8xtxtr40gl9hybjswsoohxprosy3g40 0 87965 3944237 3943690 2026-05-22T17:37:23Z ~2026-30432-70 3326360 3944237 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Stamp of Albania - 2001 - Colnect 372090 - Goofy 1932 Animal Cartoon Character.jpeg|thumb|Goodbye, house! Goodbye, mailbox! Goodbye, pile of broken wood!]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:A Goofy Movie|A Goofy Movie]]''''' is a [[w:1995 in film|1995]] animated film made by [[w:The Walt Disney Company|The Walt Disney Company]]; it features the characters Goofy and Max from the television series ''[[w:Goof Troop|Goof Troop]]'' as they go on a road trip and work out their difficult father-son relationship. :''Directed by [[w:Kevin Lima|Kevin Lima]]. Written by [[w:Jymn Magon|Jymn Magon]], [[w:Brian Pimental|Brian Pimental]] and Chris Matheson.'' {{center|'''It's Goofy and Max...in their first full-length animated feature!'''}} == Goofy == * Goodbye, house! Goodbye, mailbox! ''[backs up and damages his fence]'' Goodbye, pile of broken wood! * Behold the legendary Bigfoot! * Day one. Well, here we are, out on the open road, retracing the steps of my boy hood. And here's Maxie! A-hyuck! Say hi, Max! == Max == * I can't believe I did that! She finally says "hi" to me, and what do I do?! I choke! "A-hyuck!" Like a big spaz! * ''['''Goofy''': Look, Max!]'' Uh, Dad, it's '''''BIGFOOT!''''' ''['''Goofy''': Could you back up a bit, Mr. Foot? You're out of focus.]'' == Others == * '''Bobby''': ''[shows Max his "cheesy" model of the Leaning Tower of Pisa]'' Max, look! It's the Leaning Tower of Cheeza! * '''Pete''': What's the idea?! ''[sees Max and Goofy being chased by Bigfoot alarmed]'' '''''BIGFOOT!''''' == Dialogue == :''[The 1990 Walt Disney Pictures logo appears. When the logo disappears, it fades to open on a sky blue screen shows "WALT DISNEY PICTURES presents" which changes to "A MOVIE". Goofy falls down while shrieking a familiar holler and a loud crash as a “GOOFY" sign appears on screen, to reveal a title logo: "A GOOFY MOVIE", the camera pans down to show a wind blown wheat field with a beautiful blue sky and cotton puff clouds]'' :'''Roxanne''': Max… Max… Max… :'''Max''': ''[appears close up and gasps at the sound of his name. He looks around for the source, finally squinting into the audience. The camera reverses viewpoint to show a tall pedestal with a female figure on top. Max begins to run through the wheat toward it. Finally reaching the clearing in the wheat, Max can now see who is on the pedestal clearly, a beautiful girl, in Max’s age]'' Roxanne? ''[A girl, named Roxanne, is holding a white dandelion and she gently blows the seeds toward Max. Max is mesmerized by the seeds. Roxanne leaps from atop the pedestal and gracefully glides down toward Max. Max attempts to catch her, but they end up falling down on the ground. They giggle for a while, then look at each other. Max sighs. Roxanne puckers her lips for a kiss. Suddenly the sky changes to overcast gray and the wheat changes to thorns. Roxanne gasps and draw away, shocked. The camera switches to Max, who now has incredibly large buck teeth]'' What’s wrong? ''[notices his teeth. Then his ears and his hand grow. Roxanne backs off, terrified. Max's feet grow so big they burst out of his shoes and he continues to grow and change until he looks exactly like his father, Goofy. Roxanne screams. Max feels a Goofy laugh force its way out of his throat like the howl of a werewolf]'' :''[Lightning flashes as the scene cuts at Max’s bedroom. Max awakes from sleep, screams and gasps repeatedly, checks his head and his teeth and sighs when he realizes it was just a scary dream. The Mickey Mouse-themed phone rings]'' :'''Max''': ''[picks up the receiver and answers it]'' Hello? Hello? :'''PJ''': ''[on phone]'' Max? Where the heck are you, man? :'''Max''': PJ? :'''PJ''': ''[on phone]'' You should have been here an hour ago! :'''Max''': What? What are you… Hold on. ''[hits his alarm clock which was showing 4:02. The numbers spin then show 7:50]'' Oh, no! ''[leaps out of bed and begins to dress while still on the phone and puts on his pants]'' :'''PJ''': ''[on phone]'' Look, maybe we should just call the whole thing off! :'''Max''': No way, man! It’s now or never! :'''PJ''': ''[on phone]'' Well, you better get a move on! I’ll meet you at my locker! :''[Max hangs up the phone]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[open the door to Max’s room, dressed in his green hat, orange top, purple vest, blue pants and brown shoes and has a vacuum cleaner with him]'' Morning, son! :'''Max''': ''[embarrassed]'' DAD!!! ''[yanks up his pants out of embarrassment]'' :'''Goofy''': Oops! I forgot. ''[shuts door, knocks, then opens it again]'' Morning, son! I came to see if you had any dirty clothes… :'''Max''': ''[grabs his shirt and puts it on]'' Well, there they are! Help yourself! :'''Goofy''': ''[notices that then entire floor is covered with dirty clothes]'' Max! I thought we talked about this. :'''Max''': ''[puts on his shoes]'' Yeah, look, I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll take care of it later! :'''Goofy''': What’s the big rush? :'''Max''': ''[grabs his baseball hat, shades and his backpack]'' I’m running late. :'''Goofy''': ''[begins to vacuum up the dirty clothes]'' Well, I could drive you on my way to work. :'''Max''': Uh, no thanks. I need the exercise. :'''Goofy''': Aw, come on, Max! ''[accidentally allows the vacuum nozzle to get too close to a cardboard cut out of a singing rock star and The head of it gets sucked in]'' :'''Max''': DAD! ''[grabs the cut out, while Goofy holds the vacuum, turns off the vacuum and extracts the cut out, which has been curled in a couple of places; enraged]'' Aw, Dad! You ruined it! :'''Goofy''': ''[apologizes to Max]'' Sorry about that. Who was he, anyway? :'''Max''': It’s only Powerline, Dad. The biggest rock star on the planet. :'''Goofy''': Oh, not bigger than Xavier Cugat, The Mambo King! Everybody mambo! Mambo, mambo, mambo! :'''Max''': Dad! Aw, come on, there’s no time for this! What if the neighbors see us, huh? ''[extracts himself from Goofy and dashes out the door]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera switches to the front of the house. Max has exited out the front door]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[comes around from the back]'' Maxie! Wait up! You forgot your lunch! Have a good day! ''[kisses Max]'' :''[A few skateboarders passing by see it and start laughing]'' :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' They’ve been laughing since I can remember, but they’re not gonna laugh anymore! No more "Maxie the geek"! No more "Goof of the week" like before! :'''Girl tearing up test''': ''[singing]'' No more algebra tests ‘til September! :'''Boy''': ''[singing]'' No more looking at losers like him! :'''Bully with crib notes on arm''': ''[singing]'' No more having to cheat! :'''Another Bully''': ''[singing]'' No more mystery meat! :'''Boy''': ''[singing]'' No more gym! :'''Another Boy''': ''[singing]'' No more gym! :'''Yet Another Boy''': ''[singing]'' No more gym! :'''Yet Another Another Boy''': ''[shouting]'' No more gym! :'''Girl with credit cards''': ''[singing]'' Gonna move to the mall! :'''Beach Boy''': ''[singing]'' Gonna live in the pool! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' Gonna talk to Roxanne and not feel like a fool! :'''All''': ''[singing]'' ‘Cause after today I’m gonna be cruising! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' After today she’ll be mine! :'''All''': ''[singing]'' After today my brains’ll be snoozing! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' If I don’t faint, I’ll be fine! :'''Twin Girls''': ''[singing]'' I’ve got forty more minutes of Home Economics! :'''Twin Boys''': ''[singing]'' Then down with the textbooks… :'''Nerdy Boys''': ''[singing]'' And up with the comics! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' Just think of all of the time I’ve been losing, finding the right thing to say! :'''All''': ''[singing]'' But things’ll be going my way, after today! :'''Max''': ''[waves, but Roxanne does not see him, singing]'' She looked right through me! And who could blame her? I need a new me, plus some positive proof that I’m not just a goof! And… :'''All''': ''[singing]'' After today I’m gonna be cruising! :'''Two Girls in black''': ''[singing]'' No more pep rallies to cut! :'''All''': ''[singing]'' After today my brains’ll be snoozing! :'''Bus Driver''': ''[singing]'' I’m gonna sit on my butt! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' I’ve got less than an hour and when this is ended, I’ll either be famous… ''[slides down the banister and accidentally bumps into Principal Mazur]'' :'''Principal Mazur''': ''[shakes his fist, singing]'' Or you’ll be suspended! :'''All''': ''[singing]'' Just think of all of the time I’ve been losing, waiting until I could say: Gonna be on my own, kiss the parents good-bye! Gonna party from now ‘til the end of July! Things’ll be going my way after today! :''[school bell rings]'' :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' I wish that this was the day after today! ''[starts to step down, but trips and tumbles down, falling flat on his face at the bottom, losing his hat and shades]'' :''[Students laugh at him then walk away]'' :'''Roxanne''': ''[comes over and helps him up]'' Are you all right? :'''Max''': ''[puts on his hat and shades]'' Yeah, yeah, I’m okay, I just ah, duh,… ''[starts laughing, the emits a Goofy "Uhyuck!", covers his mouth and dashes away, accidentally tripping over some garbage cans. He looks back at Roxanne for a moment, then runs away with an cry of anguish]'' :''[Roxanne looks down at the ground for a moment]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[The school bell rings again and We cut to inside the high school]'' :'''Max''': I can’t believe I did that! She finally says "hi" to me and what do I do? I choke! Uhyuck! Like a big spaz! :'''PJ''': Where have you been, buddy? :'''Max''': Hi, Peej. Did you get the camera? :'''PJ''': Look, Max, if my Dad catches me with this he’ll kill me! Are you sure we gotta do this? :'''Max''': It’s my only chance, PJ. To Roxanne I’m just a nobody! But after today… :''[Max and PJ are suddenly flooded with light]'' :'''Max''': ''[squints into it]'' Bobby! :''[Bobby is drinking at the fountain with a straw. Max and PJ examine the video equipment on a dolly]'' :'''Max''': Wow! All this is for us? :'''Bobby''': Mmmmm. Slurpage! :'''Max''': Oh, this is going to be so great, man! :'''Bobby''': ''[wraps around Max]'' Dude, need fundage, bro. :'''Max''': [reaches into his backpack, and brings out a bag, handing it to Bobby]'' Oh, your fee! Yeah, yeah! Right here. :'''Bobby''': ''[reaches into the bag and pull out an aerosol can]'' Cheddar! ''[wolf howl]'' Cheddar Whizzie! ''[sprays an enormous amount of the cheese into his mouth, smacks his lips and coughs, spraying Max and PJ with cheese]'' Mmm. It's pretty scrumptious! Let’s do it, ladies! :''[The scene cuts to school auditorium. Entire school body is there, making noise and throwing paper. Stacey is at the podium in the middle of the stage]'' :'''Stacey''': As student body president, I just want to say, like, "yea" to all of us for a really neat year. :'''Trekkie''': Yo, Stacey! Talk to me! Talk to me! Talk to me, baby! :'''Stacey''': And also that I hope you can all attend my totally amazing end-of-school party next Saturday to watch the Powerline concert live on Pay-per-view. :''[Students cheer this announcement]'' :'''Stacey''': Thank you. Thank you very much. And now, without further ado, Principal Mazur. :''[The microphone squeals as Principal Mazur begins to speak]'' :'''Principal Mazur''': Thank you, Stacey! And good morning, boys and girls! You know, every year, on the last day of school, I have several youngsters approach me and say, "Principal Mazur, what can we do to not waste our summer vacation? We don’t want to waste our free time sleeping or visiting friends…" :'''Chad''': Say, uh, Roxanne. About Stacey’s party… :''[The scene cuts to Max, who can see the Boy talking to Roxanne through a part in the curtain]'' :'''Max''': ''[closes the curtain, and zips up his Powerline costume]'' How are you, uh, how are you doing down there, Bobby? :'''Bobby''': Don’t give me that attitude, you guys. I’m doing it all for you. :'''PJ''': This is nuts! I don’t know why I let you guys talk me into this. If my dad finds out, he’s gonna nuke my entire existence! ''[trips on the wires backstage and partially goes under the curtain]'' :'''Max''': Oh, I hope this works! :'''Principal Mazur''': …how about Science Slumber Parties! ''[The spotlight goes out]'' What the... ''[Max puts on his shades and gives a thumbs up. It is echoed by Bobby and PJ. A button is pressed. Rock music begins. A large screen begins to rise behind Principal Mazur. Max appears on the screen. Bobby pulls a switch]'' What? ''[notices the screen rising]'' Hey! I’m not going to just... ''[A trap door open up under the podium and it and Principal Mazur disappear down it. Bobby laughs]'' :'''Max (as Tevin Campbell)''': ''[lip synching]'' Some people settle for the typical thing: living all their lives waiting in the wings. It ain’t a question of if, just a matter of time, before I move to the front of the line. And once you watching every move that I make, you gotta believe that I got what it takes. To stand out above the crowd even if I gotta shout out loud. ‘Til mine is the only face you’ll see. Gonna stand out ‘til you notice me. :''[The students scream their approval. Max is amazed to see the reception his act is getting. He especially notices the rapt gaze of Roxanne in the front row. Bobby laughs and tickles PJ over the success of the plan. Both give Max a thumbs up]'' :'''Bobby''': ''[turns on a CO2 fire extinguisher]'' A little smokage! Arooo-oo-ooo! :'''Max (as Tevin Campbell)''': ''[lip synching]'' If I make you stop and take a look at me instead of just walking by, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do if it was getting you to notice I’m alive. All I need is half a chance, a second thought, a second glance will prove I got whatever it takes. It’s a piece of cake. :''[Bobby hands PJ a rope with a hook on it. PJ sneaks under cover of the CO2 fog and hooks Max’s belt from behind]'' :'''Max (as Tevin Campbell)''': ''[lips synching]'' To stand out above the crowd. Even if I gotta shout out loud. ''[grabs a basketball and slam dunks it. As he swings back, he reaches out for Roxanne’s outstretched hand]''‘Til mine is the only face you’ll see. Gonna… :'''Girl''': Wow! Who is that guy? :''[Max’s hand almost grabs Roxanne’s, but suddenly the music winds down and dies. The cable is pulled back sending Max tumbling, finally ending up by Principal Mazur]'' :'''Boy''': Hey, it’s the Goof Boy! :'''Bobby''': We’re busted! <hr width=50%/> :'''Goofy''': ''[A photo studio a rubber duck and making baby sounds]'' A-hyuck! Come on, smile! Smiley wiley! Aw, come on, Kimmie! Gimme a big… ''[A baby girl named Kimmie. He squeezes a rubber ducky, the squeaker on the rubber ducky pops out which caused Goofy to choke and accidentally swallows it, squeaks when he tried to speak. Kimmie likes it and breaks into a big smile. Goofy takes advantage of this to begin taking pictures and playing peekaboo with the child]'' :'''Pete''': ''[furiously come up behind Goofy, angrily slaps him on the back and knocks the squeaker out of Goofy’s throat]'' Stop goofing around! We got work to do! :'''Goofy''': Okay, Kimmie, back to Mommy, now. A-hyuck! You're such a cute little girlie. Oh, come back and see me! :'''Kimmie's mother''': Oh, you have such a way with children! :'''Pete''': ''[angrily mocks Kimmie's mother]'' You have such a way with children! Pleh! :'''Goofy''': ''[approaches a little girl and her mother; the little girl is wearing a blue dress and hairbow and black Mary Janes. A waiting for a picture]'' Okay, now! Who’s next over he… :'''Pete''': ''[grabs Goofy out of his way]'' Step aside, Goof. Let a pro show ya how it’s done. Okay! Who’s next over here? Heh, heh! Oh, hello precious... ''[A little girl kicks Pete in the knee]'' D'oh! Ow! You lucky woman! Now-now, now you come on here, honey! It’s picture time! She’s so cute! :'''Little girl''': ''[giggles and hides]'' Peekaboo! Peekaboo! :'''Goofy''': Gosh, Pete. You sure are good with kids. :'''Pete''': Oh, yeah. Well, they love me. Why, PJ, he's been begging me to take him on vacation this summer. :'''Goofy''': Really? Where you going? :'''Pete''': Camping! Nothing like the great outdoors to strengthen the bond between a father and a son. ''[puts the sitting stamp on the little girl's butt]'' :'''Goofy''': Oh, Max would never go for anything like that. ''[gives a stuffed deer to the little girl]'' :'''Pete''': I don't know, Goof. Something's wrong when a kid won't spend time with his parents. For all you know, he's running around with some gang and stealing stuff and causing riots and... ''[takes little girl's toy deer away from her]'' :'''Little girl''': Wah! Give me, give me, give me. :'''Goofy''': Oh, Max is a good kid. He'd never get mixed up in something like that. <hr width=50%/> :''[With a loud boom, the scene cuts to the main office of the high school, where Max and Bobby and sitting, waiting their turn to speak with the Principal. Miss Maples, a secretary, is typing and humming the funeral march]'' :'''Max''': ''[depressed]'' I’m a failure--complete loser! My one chance to impress Roxanne and I blew it. :'''Bobby''': ''[reveals something he has been working on for a while]'' Uh, huh! Max! Look! It’s the leaning tower of cheeza! ''[stuffs the cheese in his mouth]'' :'''PJ''': ''[comes out of the Principal’s office with a vacant look on his face]'' Oh, man! My dad is gonna smash me like a bug! :'''Bobby''': Hey, PJ! Detention! ''[laughs jokingly]'' :'''Principal Mazur''': Robert Zimmeruski. :'''Bobby''': ''[nervously calls Principal Mazur]'' Okay, I’m coming! Max, here. ''[hands Max can of cheese]'' Guard this with your life, dude. ''[wheels the dolly of video equipment into Principal Mazur’s office and gives Max a double thumbs up]'' Hey, Principal Mazur! What’s up, bro! :''[The door to Principal Mazur’s office shuts. Max puts his head in his hands. Roxanne and Stacey come by the office]'' :'''Stacey''': ''[fading]'' …with all those kids in my house the place will be like a sauna so I’m all freaked out, but then I thought, "Like, use it!" So my theme's gonna be: "Powerline Goes Rain Forest"! Too much? Roxanne, are you listening? :''[Roxanne looks at Max]'' :'''Stacey''': Ahhh! :'''Roxanne''': No, I don’t wanna… :'''Stacey''': ''[whispers]'' Talk to him! ''[Roxanne clears her throat a couple of times]'' Tap him! :''[Roxanne taps Max who immediately sits up, startled. Roxanne’s books and papers go flying]'' :'''Max''': ''[looks at Roxanne and smiles, gets up out of the chair then starts to help Roxanne pick up the papers and books]'' Gosh, I’m sorry. :'''Roxanne''': It’s okay. Really. ''[Max and Roxanne reach for the same paper at the same time and Max’s hand touches hers. They stay that way for a moment, then Max withdraws his hand, a bit embarrassed]'' Um, I liked your dance. :'''Max''': Yeah. Yeah? Uh, yeah! It’s from Powerline’s new video! :'''Roxanne''': I know! He’s totally a genius! :'''Max''': Uh, yeah! He, he’s doing a concert next week in Los Angeles! :'''Roxanne''': Oh, yeah! Stacey is showing it at her party. :'''Max''': Yeah! :'''Roxanne''': Yeah! :'''Max''': ''[fidgets and fumbles for a while]'' Um, uh, Roxanne, I was, uh, sorta kinda thinking that maybe I’d ask you to go with me that is to the party. Of course if you don’t want to I’d completely understand! :'''Roxanne''': Well, I was, sorta kinda thinking that … I’d love to! :'''Max''': Yeah? :'''Roxanne''': Yeah! :'''Max''': Good! :'''Roxanne''': Great! :'''Max''': Terrific! :'''Roxanne''': Wonderful! :'''Max''': All right! :'''Roxanne''': Okay! :'''Stacey''': ''[grabs Roxanne’s arm and beings to drag her away]'' Come on, Roxanne. We don’t wanna belabor the moment now, do we? :'''Roxanne''': Well, I’d better be going. :'''Max''': I’ll call you later! :'''Roxanne''': Okay! Bye! ''[backs into the door. Giggles nervously, then with a final "Bye." leaves the office]'' :'''Stacey''': See? That wasn’t so bad! I told you men are easy to deal with! :'''Max''': Yes! She said yes! Woo hoo hoo hoo! Everybody mambo! ''[grabs Miss Maples and begins to mambo with her]'' :'''Miss Maples''': It’s not my break yet! :'''Bobby''': Yeah! Dance with her! Groove with her! :'''Principal Mazur''': ''[enraged]'' Miss Maples! Get that boy’s father on the phone at once! :'''Miss Maples''': ''[sing-songish]'' Yes sir! Right away, sir! :''[The scene cuts to Goofy answering the phone at the Discount Store]'' :'''Goofy''': Hello. :'''Principal Mazur''': Uh, yes, Mr. Goof. This is Principal Mazur. I’m calling in regard to your son, Maximillian. :'''Goofy''': Max? Oh my gosh! Is he hurt? :'''Principal Mazur''': No, Mr. Goof. ''[enraged]'' He’s in trouble! :'''Goofy''': Trouble? What kinda trouble? :'''Principal Mazur''': Dressed like a gang member. Your son caused the entire student body to break into a riotous frenzy! :'''Goofy''': Gang member? Riot? It couldn’t be my… :'''Principal Mazur''': ''[ticked off]'' If I were you, Mr. Goof, I’d seriously re-evaluate the way you’re raising your child, before he ends up IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR! ''[angrily hangs up the phone]'' :'''Goofy''': The electric chair? ''[lets the phone drop]'' What am I gonna do? ''[bathed in a beam of blue light]'' :'''PA''': Blue light special on aisle 3. Blue light special on aisle 3. :'''Goofy''': ''[bobs the head of one of the figures, which bounces around a while]'' Lake Destiny. :''[The scene cuts to Pete with the camera, with the little girl's picture taking all set]'' :'''Pete''': Okay, kiddo, now smile! :'''Goofy''': ''[interrupts Pete's picture taking]'' Lake Destiny, Idaho! :'''Pete''': Lake Destiny, Idaho? :'''Goofy''': You were right, Pete. Nothing like the great outdoors to strengthen the bond between father and son! You said so yourself! :'''Pete''': Well, yeah, but, ah… :'''Goofy''': ''[takes off his hat and dances away, then puts it back on]'' I’m going fishing! I’m going fishing with my boy! :'''Pete''': Yah! Okay, precious, give me a big smi… ''[sees the little girl's underwear still attached to the sitting stamp; he realizes that the little girl has gotten out of the sitting spot to avoid having her picture taken]'' :'''Little girl''': ''[giggles as she runs after Goofy; the little girl's butt is now nude]'' Fishy! Fishy! <hr width=50%/> :''[The scene cuts to front of high school. The final bell rings and students come dashing out. Max walks out with a smile on his face and a vacant look]'' :'''Boy''': Cool concert, lad! :'''Max''': What? :'''Another Boy''': You wailed, bud! :'''Girl''': Hey, Max. Wicked dance! :'''Max''': Thanks! :'''Stacey''': ''[comes by and pushes the girl away]'' Forget it, girl. He’s Roxanne’s. :'''PJ''': Way to go, man! I just heard about you and Roxanne! You stud! :'''Max''': Oh, PJ! :'''PJ''': See? See? I told you our plan would work! ''[chanting]'' Max! Max! :'''Max''': PJ, knock it off! Shhh! :'''Bobby''': Maximum! Maximum! :'''Cheerleaders''': Max! Max! Max! :''[More and more students join in the chant until the entire student body is chanting "Max! Max!" Max is pleasantly shocked. He dances his way home, grabs a skateboard with his arm pads and legs helmet]'' :'''Max (as Tevin Campbell)''': ''[lip synching]'' All I need is half a chance, a second thought, a second glance will prove I got whatever it takes. It’s a piece of cake. To stand out above the crowd. Even if I gotta shout out loud. ‘Til mine is the only face you’ll see. Gonna stand out. Stand out, hey. Stand out. (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) Stand Out. ‘Til mine is the only face you’ll see. Gonna stand out so you notice me. ''[kicks the gate of his home open and walks through]'' Going somewhere, Pop? :'''Goofy''': Sure are, Pal-a-roony! :'''Max''': Cool. Well, have a good time, Dad. If you’re gonna be gone more than a month, drop me a line. :'''Goofy''': ''[puts the stuff in his car]'' But Max, this isn’t just my vacation. It’s a vacation with me and my best buddy! :'''Max''': Oh, Donald Duck? :'''Goofy''': No, silly. With you! ''[Max gets shocked, drops his skateboard, and faints]'' Are you okay, Maxie? :'''Max''': Wha..What did you say? ''[gets up]'' :'''Goofy''': I'm going on vacation with you, Maxie. ''[hugs Max]'' :'''Max''': ''[annoyed]'' I think I’m gonna be sick. :'''Goofy''': Hey! Got a present for ya! :'''Max''': ''[as Goofy puts a life vest on him]'' Dad! Stop! I can't do it! :'''Goofy''': ''[pulls a cord and the vest inflates]'' You look just like I did at your age! :'''Max''': ''[gets worried]'' Please don’t say that, Dad. :'''Goofy''': Wait! I saved the best for last! ''[laughs]'' It’s been handed down from Goof to Goof to Goof! And now, it’s yours, son. :'''Max''': A stick? :'''Goofy''': ''[reveals a fishing pole]'' No, silly. A fishing pole! :'''Max''': ''[shocked and annoyed]'' Fishing? We’re going fishing? :'''Goofy''': Yup, just like my dad and me did! Two best buddies fishing on Lake Destiny, away from it all! :'''Max''': ''[stubbornly tells Goofy off]'' I don’t wanna be away from it all, Dad! I like it all! :'''Goofy''': ''[shows Max a map]'' Hey, look, Maxie! We’re using the same map me and my dad used. We’ll take the same route and make the same stops and see the same sights… :'''Max''': ''[shocked]'' But that trip would take weeks, Dad! :'''Goofy''': Exactly! Getting there's half the fun! :'''Max''': ''[angrily pushes the map away]'' Put the map away, Dad. It’s not gonna happen, I’m telling you, it’s not… :'''Goofy''': ''[puts the map back on the car]'' Careful, son! You’ll wrinkle my past and our future! What the map says, Max, we will follow! :'''Max''': That’s very mystical and everything, Dad, but, uh... seriously, there’s this party I have to go to… :'''Goofy''': Oh, there’ll be plenty of time for parties when you’re older, Maxie. Why, when I was your age, I’d never even been invited to a party and look at me now! ''[holds his hat]'' :'''Max''': Great, Dad. :'''Goofy''': ''[opens car door]'' Hop in, Maxie! :'''Max''': ''[angrily closes the car door]'' No. :'''Goofy''': ''[thinks for a second, then starts to feel very sad]'' All right, then. Guess I’ll just have to go all alone. That’s all. Just sit in the boat all alone and talk to myself all alone. :'''Max''': I guess so. :'''Goofy''': [frustratedly opens the car door]'' Aw, come on, hop in! :'''Max''': ''[angrily shuts it]'' No, Dad. :'''Goofy''': ''[frustratedly opens it]'' Just hop right in there! :'''Max''': ''[angrily shuts it]'' NO! :'''Goofy''': ''[frustrated]'' Come on, Maxie! Go for it! ''[calmly]'' We’re ready for take off! ''[goes around to his door and gets in]'' Set for adventure, Maxie? :'''Max''': ''[frustrated]'' Why are you doing this to me, Dad? :'''Goofy''': ‘Cause, I don’t want ya to end up in the electric chair! :'''Max''': The electric chair? What are you… :'''Goofy''': I’m not giving up on ya, son. Together, we’re gonna work this out. :'''Max''': Work this out? But, Dad… :'''Goofy''': ''[holds his hand to stop Max from speaking]'' No buts about it, Maxie Boy! Your ol’ pop knows best. ''[starts the car and back out]'' Goodbye, house. Goodbye, mailbox! ''[accidentally runs over his fence while turning into the street]'' Goodbye, pile of broken wood. :'''Max''': Goodbye, hopes. Goodbye, dreams. Goodbye, Roxanne. Roxanne! Dad, I gotta stop somewhere first. I have to talk to someone! :'''Goofy''': Well… ''[Max grabs the steering wheel and the car swerves down a side street. After knocking over a few things, the car stops in front of Roxanne’s house and gets out of the car]'' Now make it quick, Maxie boy. We gotta put some road behind us. :'''Max''': ''[walks up to the front door]'' You get to cancel your first date in less than an hour. ''[rings the doorbell]'' Must be some kind of lame-o record. ''[The door opens to reveal a rather mean looking person who growls at Max. It's Roxanne's father]'' Hi! Is Roxanne home? Uh, my name is Max. Does Roxanne live here? Does she even live on this block? :'''Roxanne''': Wait! It’s okay, Daddy. Max is a friend from school. Go on. Go on. Good Daddy. Hey, Max. You wanna have a seat? :''[Roxanne’s father lovingly pats Roxanne and growls at Max again. Max mumbles something. Roxanne's father peeks through the mail slot]'' :'''Roxanne''': Daddy! ''[Roxanne's father eventually goes away and lets Roxanne have her private time with Max]'' I promise he’ll be better behaved when you pick me up for the party. :'''Max''': Yeah, that’s, uh, sorta why I came by. :'''Roxanne''': I’m really looking forward to it, Max. :'''Max''': Yeah, I was, too. :'''Roxanne''': Was? :'''Max''': Well, you see my dad’s on this stupid father/son kick, and… :'''Roxanne''': Oh, don’t worry about it, Max. It’s just a dumb party. :'''Max''': No, it’s not! Roxanne, I really wanted to go with you. I… :'''Roxanne''': No, Max, I understand. Really, it's okay, these things happen… :'''Max''': My dad surprised me, I don’t even wanna go, but I have no choice. :'''Roxanne''': I’m sure I can find someone else. :'''Max''': Someone else? :'''Roxanne''': I’ll just talk to you later. :'''Max''': ''[thinking quickly]'' Um, uh, Roxanne, my dad’s taking me to the Powerline concert in Los Angeles! :'''Roxanne''': Your dad’s taking you clear across the country just to see a concert? :'''Max''': Uh... well - you see, my dad knows Powerline! They used to play together in a band! Yeah! :'''Goofy''': Come on, son! Let’s get this show on the road! :'''Max''': Just a minute, you party animal, you. :''[Goofy grins]'' :'''Roxanne''': You’re really serious! :'''Max''': Absolutely. So you aren’t still thinking of going with someone else, are you? :'''Roxanne''': Well, I guess… :'''Max''': Because, I was hoping I could, uh, wave to you on-stage when we join Powerline for the final number. :'''Roxanne''': This is incredible! :'''Max''': Well - I wouldn’t miss our date for anything that wasn’t incredible, Roxanne. :'''Roxanne''': ''[kisses Max on the cheek]'' Have a great time at the concert, Max. I’ll see you on TV! :'''Max''': I’m in deep sludge. <hr width=50%/> :''[The scene fades to Max and Goofy, leaving the city. Goofy is driving and running a video camera at the same time]'' :'''Goofy''': Day one: Well, here we are, out on the open road! Retracing the steps of my boyhood and here’s Maxie! Say, "Hi", Max! ''[Max doesn't respond]'' Well, how 'bout a wave? :'''Max''': ''[puts his hand in front of the lens]'' Not now, dad. :'''Goofy''': ''[puts the camera down, then notices that Max look really depressed]'' What a kidder! ''[gets an idea and takes out a list from one of his pockets]'' Hmmm. Fun and games I used to play with my dad. Road bingo... Twenty q---- ''[to Max]'' Hey, Maxie! Uh, let’s play a game. You think of a name and I’ll try and guess who it is. Uh, man or woman? :'''Max''': ''[disgusted]'' Oh, man! :'''Goofy''': Man, huh? Hmmm. That’s a toughie! Uh, let’s see... Walt Disney! :'''Max''': Right. :'''Goofy''': I’m good at this. Now, I’ll think of one. Hmm... ''[Max turns on the radio which plays Santa Monica by Everclear and starts doing air guitar]'' Oh, you wanna sing a song, huh? Me and my dad used to sing this one all the time! ''[puts in an 8-track tape which interrupts the rock music and starts playing "High Hopes". Goofy sings along]'' He's got high hopes! He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes! :''[Max changes back to Santa Monica. Goofy changes back to High Hopes. It goes back and forth until they break the radio]'' :'''Max''': ''[fed up with Goofy]'' Oh, great, Dad! Now we don’t have any music! :'''Goofy''': Oh, Maxie, it’s not so bad. We’ll just have to entertain ourselves! :''[The beat is established by the car keys; one of them contains the letter D. The car backfiring joins in. The cooking equipment also joins in. Goofy starts to whistle the tune]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[singing]'' Do ya need a break from modern living? Do ya long to shed your weary load? If your nerves are raw and your brain is fried, just grab a friend and take a ride together upon the open road! ''[spoken]'' Come on, Maxie! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' All in all, I’d rather have detention. All in all, I’d rather eat a toad. An old man drives that’s such a klutz that I’m about to hurl my guts directly upon the open road! :'''Goofy''': ''[singing]'' There’s nothing can upset me ‘cause now we’re on our way! Our trusty map will guide us straight and true! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' Roxanne please don’t forget me, I will return some day. Though I may be in traction when I do! :''[Wilhelm screams]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[singing]'' Me and Max relaxing like the old days! In a buddy-buddy kind of mode! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' This is worse than dragon breath and acne! I’m so mad I think I may explode! :'''Goofy''': ''[singing]'' When I see that highway I could cry! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' You know, that’s funny, so could I! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' Just being out on the open road! :''[a piano player appears on the open road; the piano player is in a pickup truck; a trio of cowgirl singers pop out of the piano]'' :'''CW Girls in pickup''': ''[singing]'' Howdy boys! Is this the way to Nashville? :'''Tow Truck driver''': ''[singing]'' Watch it, Mack! Or you’ll be getting towed! :'''Con in paddy wagon''': ''[singing]'' I’m in no hurry to arrive 'cause I’ll be turning sixty-five, the next time I sees the open road. ''[Goofy sees the jailbird and imagines Max as a jailbird, reminding him of Principal Mazur's warning as he escapes from the worse]'' :'''Wendell''': ''[singing]'' Just a week of rest and relaxation. :'''Wendell's Wife''': Yeah! :'''Wendell''': And the odd romantic episode! :'''Max''': ''[spoken]'' Very odd! :''[Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are hitchhiking]'' :'''Mickey Mouse''': ''[singing]'' And it’s Californ-eye-ay or bust! :'''Little Old Lady From Pasadena''': ''[singing]'' Look out you dirtbags! Eat my dust! From now on, I own the open road! :'''Goofy''': ''[singing]'' It’s me and little Maxie, my pip-squeak pioneer! :'''Nuns''': ''[singing]'' They're pardners forever "Westward Ho!" ''[spoken]'' Yee-haw! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' Could someone call a taxi and get me outta here, to Beverly Hills 90210? :'''All''': ''[singing]'' Oh, every day another new adventure! Every mile another new zip code! And the cares we had are gone for good! :'''Max''': ''[singing upon seeing a carsick man]'' And I’d go with them if I could. :'''All''': ''[singing]'' I got no strings on me! I’m feeling fancy free! How wonderful to be on the open road! :''[one of the cooking equipments gets knocked off]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[The scene fades to the next day. Goofy is driving with the map in front of him so he can’t see. Max is moping. The car drifts left of the center. Max glances up and sees a truck coming as his expression changes to concern. The truck horn blows. Max looks alarmed. The truck horn blows again. Max grabs the steering wheel and turns the car back into the right lane just as the truck goes by and would have run into him, his dad, and the car]'' :'''Max''': ''[ticked off]'' Dad, you’re gonna get us killed! Why don’t you just give me the map? :'''Goofy''': Oh, no thanks, son. Navigating's a big responsibility! Besides, you wouldn’t wanna spoil the big surprise. I’m taking ya someplace pretty special! ''[Goofy and Max pull into a rather seedy looking attraction called Lester’s Possum Park and stop]'' Gawrsh! It’s even better than I remembered! :''[The scene cuts to a mother attempting to drag her little daughter through the entrance to the park, which resembles the mouth of a possum]'' :'''Little girl''': No! Mommy! I don’t wanna go! :'''Max''': ''[not interested]'' Yeah, fun. Tell ya what: I’m just gonna wait right here in the car. :'''Goofy''': ''[grabs Max and drags him]'' Ya party pooper! Come on! This is gonna be fun! :''[The scene cuts to the interior of a small old theater]'' :'''Possum Park Emcee''': Howdy there, folks. Lester’s is proud to present the Possum Posse Jamboree. Here it is. :''[Several patrons clap for the show as Goofy and Max enter]'' :'''Goofy''': Oh, boy! Just in time! :''[The curtain opens and shows four holes in the ground. Out of one of the holes comes a mechanical possum named Lester which has obviously seen better days]'' :'''Lester''': Howdy, folks! Who’s your favorite possum? :'''Patrons''': Lester! :'''Goofy''': I got us a seat right up front! :'''Lester''': Let me introduce you to the posse! Here’s Buford, Beulah and Mordechai! :'''Buford''': ''[stuck in his hole]'' Hey, Lester, ready for yodeling? :'''Lester''': Sure am, Buford. ''[singing]'' Now gather ‘round, my possum pals and join the jamboree. :'''Max''': This is pathetic! ''[A pigtailed girl smiles at Max]'' :'''Lester''': ''[singing]'' Come hoot ‘n’ howl ‘n’ holler from the heart and every chicken, pig, ‘n’ goat’ll help by yelping out a yodel here at Lester’s Possum Park! ''[speaking]'' Join in, folks! It’s yodeling time! :''[Many patrons join in the yodeling including Goofy. Max just looks disgusted]'' :'''Lester''': ''[singing]'' Lester’s Possum Park. :''[Max is getting more and more disgusted at the show]'' :'''Lester''': ''[singing]'' Well don’t you wanna be, a’hanging from a tree? We’re mighty glad to see ya and the parking's always free! ''[begins to break down]'' Here at Lester’s Possum Park! :'''Goofy''': ''[sees a souvenir stand and gets an idea]'' Hey! That’s the ticket! I’ll be right back, my little possum pal! :'''Max''': ''[sighs]'' My life’s a living. :'''Lester''': Hello, little buddy! Who’s your favorite possum? :'''Max''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Don’t touch me. :'''Lester''': Aw, why such a long face? You’re so sad! Boo hoo hoo! I know! You need a big hug from Lester. :'''Max''': ''[angrily gives Lester a warning with his finger]'' Don’t even think about it...! :'''Lester''': ''[gives Max a giant hug which ticks him off]'' See? Now you feel all good inside! :'''Max''': ''[angrily slaps Lester which turns his false head backward]'' Beat it, doofus! ''[Lester staggers off unable to see where he is going and is knocked down and dragged off by several kids]'' Oh no, no, Dad! Not that, please! :'''Goofy''': ''[comes back wearing a dead possum hat and puts one on Max]'' Here ya go, sport! Let’s say we get our picture taken! :''[The scene cuts to the little pigtailed girl crying while her picture is taken]'' :'''Max''': You have got to be kidding. :'''Goofy''': Oh, all right. But you’re missing out! ''[foolishly hangs upside down between two possums to get his picture taken]'' Hiya, son! ''[A lot of people laughing]'' :'''Kid''': Hey, everyone! Check out the dork! :'''Photographer''': Say, "sassafras". :'''Goofy''': Sassyfrass! ''[The branch breaks and Goofy falls to the ground. This sends one of the two possums hurdling toward Max and it hits him in the face. The possum then crawls down Max’s sweatshirt. Max beings to jump around in an attempt to get at the possum. A couple of musicians start playing country music, mistaking Max’s gyrations for an attempt at dance]'' That’s the spirit, Maxie! ''[grabs Max and starts dancing with him]'' :'''Max''': ''[embarrassed]'' Dad, stop, please! Dad, look, this is embarrassing! :'''Goofy''': ''[finally finished the dance with Max on his knee]'' Ta-da! Hyuck! :'''Kid''': It’s Dork and Dork Junior! :''[Max gets ticked off and takes the hat off his head, furiously throws it to the ground and angrily fights his way out of the crowd. He furiously goes to the car only to find it locked. He angrily pounds his fists on the door just as it starts to rain. He furiously walks to the highway and angrily starts hitchhiking. A passing car sprays him with water, but he angrily continues to hitchhike]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[comes out]'' Max! Hey, what the heck you trying to do? :'''Max''': Trying to get away from you! ''[furiously leaves the highway and angrily goes back to the car]'' :'''Goofy''': Me? What'd I do? :'''Max''': Forget it! :'''Goofy''': I thought we was having fun. What's the matter? :'''Max''': Nothing. Let's just go. Well, come on! :'''Goofy''': ''[sadly unlocked the door and Max gets in, goes around and gets in too, then hands Max the hat he threw away which infuriates him]'' Hey, you dropped your hat. :'''Max''': ''[furiously blows up, screams in frustration, angrily yells at Goofy, and furiously takes his hat, but lividly rolls down the window, and angrily throws the hat away again]'' This is the stupidest vacation! You drag me from home, you jam me in this dumb car, then drive me a million miles away to see some stupid rat show! Call me when the trip's over. ''[Goofy sadly starts the car and drives off]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[The scene fades to a campground, where Goofy is setting up a tent and Max is sitting on a rock by a river. He is stirring the water with a stick. In the ripples, he imagines he sees the face of Roxanne. Suddenly, Goofy steps in the middle of her image]'' :'''Goofy''': Hey, Max. You wanna get in some fishing practice? Just a couple of days ‘til we get to Lake Destiny. :'''Max''': Maybe later. ''[wanders off]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[sadly returns to the tent and begins to unroll a sleeping bag. While in the tent, a huge RV rolls over the top of the tent and proceeds to produce a hot tub, a basketball court, a bowling alley and a swimming pool]'' :'''Max''': ''[comes back to see what’s happening]'' Whoa! Now that’s camping! :'''Goofy''': You say something, Max? ''[gets hit by a door of RV]'' Ow! Pete? :'''Pete''': Goofy? What a serendipity do dah! Who’da thunk it, huh?! :'''Max''': Is PJ here? :'''Pete''': Who? Oh, yeah. I'm sure he's loafing around here somewhere. :''[The scene cuts to the inside of the RV. PJ is buffing the floor and dusting while listening to Powerline on the stereo. He is singing along]'' :'''Max''': What a goob! ''[turns off the stereo]'' :'''PJ''': ''[begins treating the buffer like a microphone, still singing]'' Stand out! Above the crowd! Even if you got to shout out loud! No matter what you look it’s Max I get... ''[spoken]'' Max! :'''Max: Hey-hey-hey! :'''PJ''': Woah! Small wilderness, dude! Didn’t expect to run into you. :'''Max''': Apparently not! :'''PJ''': You’re just jealous man, ‘cause you ain’t got the moves! :'''Max''': Yeah, you can keep the moves. But I wouldn’t mind having this RV. You’re so lucky, man! :'''PJ''': Me? Awww, come on! You’re the star! :'''Max''': What are you… :'''PJ''': Going to the Powerline concert! Awww, it’s unbelievable, man! :'''Max''': Who told you about that? :'''PJ''': Hey, come on! Everybody in town knows about it, Max. ''[discusses Max's alleged trip to the Powerline concert]'' You're gonna be famous, buddy. Especially with Roxanne. :'''Max''': There's just one person who doesn't know about this, PJ. :'''PJ''': Who? :'''Max''': My dad. :''[The scene cuts to the roof of the RV where Pete and Goofy are. Pete begins to go bowling]'' :'''Pete''': So tell me, Goof. Is that kid of yours still giving you guff? :'''Goofy''': Oh, I don't know what's wrong. Just seems like everything I try only drives Max further away. Maybe I oughta just back off, I don't know. :'''Pete''': Wrong, Goof. Look, if you keep 'em under your thumb, they'll never end up in the gutter. :'''Goofy''': Too bad, Pete. Almost. :'''Pete''': ''[angrily looks at Goofy]'' Almost? Hah! Watch this. ''[yelling loudly]'' <big>'''PJ!!!'''</big> :'''PJ''': ''[runs up to the top of the RV]'' Here, sir! Coming, sir! Yes, sir! :'''Pete''': ''[points at the pin. PJ goes over and kicks it down]'' Whoo-hoo! Strike-ola! Yee-haw! Thank you. Thank you. Yes! And the crowd goes wild! Ahh-ha-ha-ha! High five, son! Psych! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Say, Goof. Why don't you two stay for dinner? :'''Max''': Cool! :'''Goofy''': Oh, no thanks, Pete. Max and I have some [[w:fish|fish]] to catch. :'''Max''': ''[angrily sighs]'' Dad, we can do that tomorrow. ''[to Pete]'' So what are we having? :'''Goofy''': But Max, I thought... :'''Pete''': ''[clears throat]'' Under your thumb, Goof. :'''Goofy''': ''[sternly confronts Max]'' Maximilian! :'''Max''': ''[annoyed]'' What? :'''Goofy''': ''[sternly orders Max]'' Get your gear, little man! We're going fishing! ''[loudly shouts]'' And I mean '''''NOW!''''' ''[Max walks away]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Max''': Dad, I don’t even know how to fish. :'''Goofy''': Oh, now come on. That never stopped me! Let me show ya a little family secret handed down through about twelve or thirteen Goof generations: The Perfect Cast. :'''Max''': The Perfect What? :'''Goofy''': The Perfect Cast. My dad taught it to me when I was about your age. Okay now, watch carefully. You gotta be loose. Relaxed. With your feet apart, and… Ten o’clock. Two o’clock. Quarter to three! Tour Jete! Twist! Over! Pas de deux! I’m a little teapot! And the windup...! :''[Goofy’s line goes all the way back to where Pete is barbecuing steaks. The hook grabs a steak]'' And let ‘er fly! The Perfect Cast. The hook with the steak go sailing and land on the bank of the river a fair ways away in the middle of a large footprint. Two feet that match the footprint then come up. It’s Bigfoot, who is holding a log. He chews on the log, but stops and sniffs, then sees the steak]'' And now, we reel ‘er in. ''[Bigfoot is about to take the steak when Goofy starts to real it in. Bigfoot chases the steak and finally catches it. He bites it and is pulled by Goofy.]'' Quick! Get the camera! ''[They manage to get back to the bank and Max hands the camera to Goofy]'' Must be over three pounds! I don’t wanna miss this! ''[Whispers]'' Look, Max! :'''Max''': ''[Horrorly screams]'' Uh, Dad, It’s BIGFOOT! :'''Goofy''': Could you back up a bit, Mr. Foot? Uh, you’re out of focus. ''[Bigfoot ferociously roars at Goofy and Max. The steak sails back at Pete and hits him in the face]'' :'''Pete''': ''[angrily pulls off the steak]'' What’s the idea? ''[sees Max and Goofy running from Bigfoot and screaming]'' BIGFOOT!!! ''[grabs the BBQ, throws it in the RV, retracts all the equipment attached to the RV and drives off, leaving Goofy’s tent where it was]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[runs backward getting Bigfoot on video]'' Behold the legendary Bigfoot! Fabled but seldom… Whoa! ''[clumsily trips over the tent and the camera goes flying]'' :'''Max''': ''[tries to get in the car]'' It’s locked! :'''Goofy''': Quick! The sun roof! ''[starts rolling the window closed]'' :'''Max''': Hurry up! Hurry up! ''[The window closes just as Bigfoot gets there. He rocks the car back and forth for a moment, then notices all the equipment Goofy had unpacked. He goes to investigate]'' I can’t believe it... Bigfoot! :'''Goofy''': And I’ve got the only video! :'''Max''': We’re gonna be famous! ''[disgusted]'' Let’s just get outta here. ''[Goofy'' feels for the keys but Bigfoot has found them outside and tosses them away. Bigfoot has discovered the camera and is pulling the tape out in shreds. He then continues rummaging through their equipment. The scene fades to late evening. Goofy and Max are still in the car]'' Is he gone yet? :''[Bigfoot does a puppet show using socks. Then goes back to rummaging]'' :'''Goofy''': Nope. Still here. ''[Max’s stomach growls]'' Gee, Max. Was that Bigfoot or your stomach? :'''Max''': ''[feels his stomach]'' Man, I’m starving! :''[A can of alphabet soup lands on the hood of the car]'' :'''Goofy''': Alphabet soup coming up! ''[rolls down the window and tries to grab the can]'' :''[Bigfoot hears and turns around, roars ferociously, starts coming toward the car and runs toward it]'' :'''Max''': Dad, stop playing around! He’s coming! ''[grabs his father’s hand and turns it so the can gets through]'' :''[Bigfoot crashes into the side of the car and is sent sprawling along with a lot of the equipment he dragged along. He lands and a pair of headphones lands on his head, which is playing "Stayin' Alive" by Bee Gees. Bigfoot is startled at first, then begins to enjoy it. The scene cuts to the inside of the car where Goofy has just taken the cigarette lighter out of the dashboard]'' :'''Goofy''': Well, it’s nice to know this thing’s good for something. ''[balances the can of soup over the lighter]'' :''[While they wait for the soup to heat up, they sit. Bigfoot does the hustle in the background. Max and Goofy catch each other looking at the other and quickly look away. Goofy then smiles and starts to chuckle]'' :'''Max''': What’s so funny? :'''Goofy''': "Hi Dad" Soup! :'''Max''': Huh? :'''Goofy: Don’t tell me you don’t remember "Hi Dad" Soup. Oh, come on! Sure you do! You used to spell things out using the letters, like, uh, "Hi Dad" or "Maxie" or… :'''Max''': …"Ambidextrous"… :'''Goofy''': Yeah, that’s…Nah, little words, like… :'''Max''': "Hasta la vista"? :'''Goofy''': Like "Bye bye"! :'''Max''': …or "I pledge allegiance"… :'''Goofy''': …or "I love you"… :''[Both Max and Goofy suddenly look sad]'' :'''Max''': Is it soup yet? :'''Goofy''': Oh, I almost forgot! ''[uses his teeth to create two holes in the top of the can]'' :'''Max''': Woah! Where’d you learn to do that? :'''Goofy''': Your granddad taught me that when we went to Yosemite. :'''Max''': You two did a lot together, huh? :'''Goofy''': Yup. ''[Now looks sad. Suddenly Goofy and Max talk simultaneously]'' Max, you and I have to… :'''Max''': Dad, listen I have a… :'''Goofy''': How’s the soup? :'''Max''': ''[drinks and leaves a soup mustache on his upper lip]'' Not bad. ''[sees his dad grinning]'' What? :'''Goofy''': ''[Seeing Max with a mustache reminds Goofy of what Max was like as a little boy and just grins]'' Nothing. ''[Bigfoot climbs on top of the car and settles down to sleep]'' Welp, might as well get some shut eye. I don’t think we’re going anywhere tonight. ''[gets comfortable. Max looks lovingly at his dad, then down at the remnants of the soup in his cup. He fiddles with something at the bottom. Max then taps his father and hands him the cup. Goofy looks at the bottom of the cup to see the words "Hi Dad" spelled out. Goofy gets choked up and looks over at Max, who is settling down to sleep]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[whispering]'' Hi, Maxie. :''[The scene fades to later that night. Both Bigfoot and Goofy are snoring. Max can’t sleep because of the noise. So, he finds a postcard and begins to write]'' :'''Max''': ''[writing]'' Dear Roxanne, Couldn’t sleep... so I thought I’d drop ya a line. Dad and I are having a great time. We’re only days away from Los Angeles and I can hardly wait for the big concert. ''[stops writing and looks sad. Then looks over at Goofy]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[in his sleep]'' More Hi Dad Soup, please. :'''Max''': ''[gets a half smile on his face looking at his dad, then decides to re-write the postcard]'' Dear Roxanne, sorry I lied, but I’m not really going to the Powerline concert. You may never wanna see me again... ''[stops when he realizes that won’t work either]'' Oh, man! I’m dead no matter what I do! ''[angrily stomps his foot on the dashboard. The glove compartment pops open and the map unfolds into his lap. He follows the route on it to Lake Destiny and then looks down to Los Angeles. A pencil rolls out of the glove compartment and conveniently stops, pointing from the route on the map directly to Los Angeles Max picks up the pencil then starts erasing. He then draws a new route to Los Angeles. The pencil tip breaks just before he finishes. Goofy yawns. Max breaks out in a cold sweat, picks up the pencil tip and finishes the drawing, puts the map back in the glove compartment and sits back nervously as Goofy seems to awaken]'' :'''Goofy''': How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon? :'''Max''': Uh... three and a half? ''[Goofy goes back to sleep]'' ''[sighs, looks at the postcard and then tears it up, opens the car window and throws the pieces outside into the wind. The pieces are carried toward the camera. One piece gets caught in a branch close up, with the words, "I lied" written on it]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[The scene fades to a truck stop the next morning. The short order cook rings a bell on the order counter]'' :'''Cook''': Pick up! :'''Waitress''': Hold your horses! ''[picks up the food and carries it to Max and Goofy]'' Short stack? :'''Goofy''': Right here! :'''Waitress''': ''[gives the pancakes to Goofy]'' Here you go, hon. Eggs? Eggs? Eggs! :'''Max''': Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah! Right here! Sorry. :'''Waitress''': ''[gives the eggs and bacon to Max.]'' Here you go, cutie. :''[The eggs and strip of bacon form a face. Goofy digs into his pancakes, then notices that Max, who was so hungry the night before is picking at his eggs and looking nervously at the map]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[picks up the map, waving it at Max]'' Max, I think we need to talk about this. :'''Max''': Huh? :'''Goofy''': Seems to me you need to start taking some responsibility around here. Excuse me. Uh, can I have your attention please? ''[clears throat]'' I, Goofy, hereby dub my son, Maximillian, official navigator and head which-wayer of this here road trip! :'''Max''': Seriously? :'''Goofy''': I’m not even looking at the map anymore. As a matter of fact, you can pick all the stops from here to Lake Destiny. I trust ya wholeheartedly, son. To the open road! ''[picks up his coffee cup]'' :'''Max''': To the open road. :''[With Goofy driving and Max navigating, they continue their journey, stopping at a beach, where Goofy has a terrible time with a jetski, they change a flat tire, at an amusement park Goofy can’t stomach the roller coaster, at a monster truck rally where Goofy can’t stand the noise. Max notices this and decides his dad needs something he likes, so their next stop is the amazing house of yarn--one of the stops on Goofy’s map. A stop in New Orleans is next with an encounter with the mime. Goofy acts along with the mime, and later, a piano falls and lands right on top on the mime. They change another flat tire, they visit "Carl’s Butt Caverns" and accidentally awaken the bats and speaking of bats then attend a baseball game where they get an autographed baseball by very unusual means, they change another flat tire and pull into the "Neptune Inn" motel for the night. They take a couple of suitcases and open the door to the room]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Goofy''': Gosh! :'''Max''': ''[notices the waterbeds with goldfish]'' Whoa ho ho! Check out the bed! :'''Goofy''': Check out the dresser--coral! :'''Max''': ''[turns a mermaid lamp off and on]'' Nice lamp! :'''Goofy''': Classy choice there, navigator. :'''Pete''': This is the police! We’ve got the place surrounded, see! You Goofs come out with your hands up! ''[starts laughing]'' You should've seen the look on your face! :'''Goofy''': You really had him fooled, Pete! :'''Max''': Me? You jumped out of your skin! :'''Goofy''': Uh uh! I was just pretending for your sake! :'''Max''': Oh, right! Sure! :'''Goofy''': Did too! :'''Max''': Did not! :'''Pete''': Oh, ain’t this sweet! ''[aside to Goofy]'' Don’t let him fool you with that buddy-buddy act, now. Under your thumb! ''[thumbs Goofy’s nose]'' So, since we’re all being palsy-walsy here, how about letting me hook up the RV? :'''Goofy''': Well… :'''Pete''': Oh, it’s just a tiny little extension cord. You’ll hardly even notice it. :'''Goofy''': Okay. :'''Pete''': Great! PJ! :''[PJ comes in hauling an enormous array of ducts and cables. Pete points into the room. PJ hauls it all in]'' :'''Pete''': Hey, Goof. Why don’t ya order us a pizza? This might take a while. :''[Goofy gets the pizza, then brings it in to PJ and Max]'' :'''PJ''': …no I mean it, they… :'''Goofy''': Here ya go, kids. I’m gonna go check out the hot tub. :'''PJ''': Oh, okay, sir! :'''Max''': All right. :'''PJ''': I can’t believe you, man. Whatever made you think your dad would fall for a stupid idea like that? :'''Max''': It wasn’t stupid! :'''PJ''': Come on, it was really stupid! Changing the map? :'''Max''': Look, I didn’t know what I was doing, all right? I was panicked! :''[Goofy gets in the hot tub and is joined shortly thereafter by Pete]'' :'''Pete''': Taking a break from the MTV generation, huh? Can't say I blame ya. People are always putting too much water in these things. So, um... you and your son seem to be, uh, getting along just hunky-dory, huh? :'''Goofy''': Yeah, it's been great! You know, it's funny, but none of your techniques worked for me. The harder I tried, the worse it got. Once I eased up, things just clicked! :'''Pete''': Oh, that's swell. So, there's no problems then, huh? :'''Goofy''': Not a one! :'''Pete''': That's, uh I just hate to be the bearer of bad news, but uh... :'''Goofy''': What is it, Pete? :'''Pete''': Your kid's duping ya. :'''Goofy''': What do you mean? :'''Pete''': Well, I heard the little mutant telling PJ that he changed the map, so you're heading straight to Los Angeles, pal. :'''Goofy''': What? :'''Pete''': Oh, you tried, Goof. He's just a bad kid, that's all. :'''Goofy''': I don't believe you. :'''Pete''': What? :'''Goofy''': I don't believe ya, Pete! :'''Pete''': Well, hey, don't take my word for it. Check your map. :'''Goofy''': I don't need to check the map. I trust my son. ''[with a quietly defiant mien]'' You know, maybe Max isn't all the things that you think a son should be, but he loves me. :'''Pete''': Hey, ''my'' son (PJ) ''respects'' me. :'''Goofy''': ''[listlessly]'' Yeah. ''[walks away]'' :'''Pete''': ''[calling after him]'' Check the map, Goof! :''[Goofy walks back to the room, but decides to get in the car instead. He reaches for the glove compartment, then stop. He thinks, gets upset and angrily pounds the steering wheel and starts to get out. The glove compartment pops open and the map spills out. The scene cuts to an aerial shot of the motel with Goofy’s car centered. Goofy goes back to the room]'' :'''Max''': Hi, dad. Sorry about the mess. I’ll clean it up. :''[Goofy looks absolutely dumbstruck and disillusioned. He gets in bed and turns off the light]'' :'''PJ''': ''[whispering]'' I think I better go. :'''Max''': ''[whispering]'' See ya, PJ. :'''PJ''': ''[whispering]'' Don’t forget Powerline! :'''Max''': Shhh! :''[Goofy still has that look of disillusionment and sadness as he lies in bed]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[The shot twists and the scene fades to the next morning as Goofy is driving with the same look. He looks over at Max who nervously grins. A sign comes up showing a junction with only left and right turn]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[grabs the map and gives it to Max]'' Well, here ya go, navigator. Just follow my route on the map, son. :'''Max''': Okay. :''[They pass another sign pointing right to Idaho and left to California]'' :'''Goofy''': Here comes our junction. Okay, Max, now this is it. Left or right? :'''Max''': ''[nervously]'' Uh... :'''Goofy''': Come on, Max! :'''Max''': LEFT! ''[The car scrapes the center divider as they barely make it up the left ramp. Max looks back, then sighs. Goofy looks annoyed. Max nervously smiles]'' Uh... how 'bout a song, Dad? A game? A game! Yeah! Yeah, a game! Okay! Uh, man or woman? Man? Man! Okay! Uh, Walt Disney! ''[Goofy angrily swerves the car to a scenic overlook and stops the car, lividly fumbles with the seat belt, furiously gets out and ragefully stomps over to the stone wall at the edge of the overlook, fuming]'' Dad... Listen, about my directions... Will you listen to me? I gotta tell you something, Dad. :'''Goofy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Why bother? I'm probably too stupid to understand anyway, right? :'''Max''': Aw, forget it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Max''': ''[angrily kicks the tire and then leans on the hatchback. The car rolls forward and leaves him sprawling in the dirt]'' Hey-hey-hey! The car! :'''Goofy''': ''[turns around]'' What? Now you wanna drive too? :'''Max''': No, Dad! The car! ''[points at the car]'' LOOK! :'''Goofy''': ''[shocked]'' The car! ''[Max and Goofy chase their runaway car]'' What’d you do now, Max?! :'''Max''': I didn’t do anything, Dad! I only touched it! :''[The car goes under a low underpass and knocks their equipment off. Goofy steps on a skateboard and Max joins him. They catch up with the car]'' :'''Goofy''': ''[manages to grab the door handle]'' You locked it! :'''Max''': ''[enraged]'' I locked it? It’s your door. You locked it! :'''Goofy''': Well, you distracted me! :'''Max''': You should've put the brake on! ''[pulls his father into the car]'' :'''Goofy''': Why don't you just put it on yourself? ''[He pulls the brake, but it suddenly breaks off]'' :'''Max''': See? You ruin everything! :'''Goofy''': Well, you ruined the vacation! :'''Max''': ''I'' ruined it?! ''[The car goes crashing from one rock pillar to another]'' I never wanted to go on this stupid '''''VACATION!''''' ''[The car splashes into the river. The car has landed in the stream with the Goofs inside]'' Now look where you got us, Dad! :'''Goofy''': Where ''I'' got us?! :'''Max''': You should have let me stay at home! :'''Goofy''': Why? So you'd end up in [[w:prison|prison]]? :'''Max''': Prison? What are you talking about? :'''Goofy''': Your principal called me! :'''Max''': It's not what you think, Dad! :'''Goofy''': You even lied to me! :'''Max''': I had to! You were ruining my life! :'''Goofy''': I was only trying to take my boy fishing, okay?! :'''Max''': I'm not your little boy anymore, Dad! I'm grown up! I've got my own life now! :'''Goofy''': '''''I KNOW THAT!''''' I just wanted to be part of it! ''[calmer]'' You're my son, Max. No matter how big ya get, you'll always be my son. :''[The car slowly drifts downstream and Goofy and Max sadly sit on the roof with their backs to each other. The sun breaks through the clouds and Max finally decides to break the silence] :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' There are times you drive me, shall we say, bananas... and your mind is missing, no offense, a screw... :'''Goofy''': ''[spoken]'' None taken! :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' Still, whatever mess I land in, who is always understanding? Nobody else but you! :'''Goofy''': ''[singing]'' Oh, you moodiness is now and then bewildering... and you values may be, so to speak, askew! :'''Max: ''[spoken]'' Gesuntheit! :'''Goofy''': ''[spoken]'' Thanks! ''[singing]'' Who deserves a hero’s trophy as we face each catastrophe? Nobody else but you! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' Nobody else but you! It’s just our luck. We’re stuck together! Nobody else but you! It’s crazy enough to believe we’ll come through! :'''Max: ''[singing]'' So your jokes are all, let’s face it, prehistoric! :'''Goofy''': ''[singing]'' And your music sounds like monkeys in a zoo! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' But when life becomes distressing, who will I be S-O-S-ing? :'''Max: ''[singing]'' If you’re having trouble guessing here’s a clue! ‘Though he seems intoxicated, he’s just highly animated! And he’s nobody else but… :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' Nobody else but you! We’ve turned into a true blue duo! Hard times--we’ve had a few… :'''Goofy: ''[singing]'' Like we’re thrown in the drink… :'''Max''': ''[singing]'' Like we’re tossed out of town… :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' But when I start to sink, hey, I’d rather go down with nobody else but you! :''[Goofy kisses Max]'' :'''Max''': ''[spoken]'' Aw, Dad! :''[The scene fades to further down river. Max has apparently explained everything he did and why]'' :'''Max''': …Well, anyway. I figure she’s never gonna wanna talk to me again, much less go out with me. What a dumb lie, huh? :'''Goofy''': Well, whaddya know. My Maxie -- in love! Gosh, you’re really growing up! It happened so fast, I... guess I sort of missed it! Welp, I think the only thing for us to do now is to get you up on stage with this Powerline fellar. :'''Max''': Uh, how are we gonna do that? :'''Goofy''': Now, you just leave that up to me. :'''Max''': No, Dad, really. I-I think we should just, you know, forget it. :'''Goofy''': Now, how come you always think I’m gonna lead ya into some sort of calamity? :'''Max''': ''[looks ahead, shocked]'' Duh, duh, Dad? :'''Goofy''': What’s wrong now? :'''Max''': ''[turns his dad’s head forward]'' LOOK! :''[The car is approaching a high waterfall]'' :'''Goofy''': A waterfall. ''[panicked]'' WATERFALL?!?! :''[Goofy and Max attempt to paddle upstream and succeed only for a bit, but fail when the tide gets too much stronger. Goofy gets thrown from the car and grabs a rock. Max continues toward the falls on the car]'' :'''Max''': DAD! :'''Goofy''': Max! ''[A fishing pole hits Goofy in the back of the head. Goofy grabs it and climbs over the rock formations trying to find a good place to try and reach for Max. He finally gets to a log and climbs to the end of it. He extends the pole toward Max]'' Grab a hold, Max! :''[Max obeys, tries to grab hold and misses the line, that is reaching out to him. The car goes over a rock in the river and flips over]'' :'''Max''': Whoa! ''[Goofy gasps as Max gets tangled in a tarp. He tries to stop the car from going over the falls by casting the line to it and succeeds for a moment. Then the force of the falls breaks the log and Goofy is dumped in the river and crashes into a rock. Max looks down and gasps. He and the car go over the falls, still entangled in the tarp. As he screams and falls, the tarp becomes a parachute and the updraft from the falls carries him up above the falls. Max then sees his father heading for the edge of the falls]'' Dad! :''[With a final effort, Goofy extends the fishing pole still in his hand toward Max in the moment in which he would tumble helplessly down below. Max grabs the end. For a moment, the two are dangling above the falls. They give a happy look at each other. Ignoring the exchange, the cork handle of the fishing pole, which is not able to hold on much longer and due to the weight of Max and his parachute tarp, comes off and snaps with a loud pop as Goofy begins to fall]'' :'''Goofy''': MAX! :'''Max''': ''[almost without thinking and now remembering what his dad did at the fishing area, he spins the fishing pole around and starts doing the Perfect Cast and throws the line to his dad]'' Ten o’clock. Quarter to three. Tour Jete. Twist. I’m a little teapot. Let ‘er fly! ''[The fishing line flies toward the retreating figure of Goofy, who screams while falling down. Both are soon lost in the mist at the base of the falls. Max begins to worry that he is too late. Then the line goes taut. Max gasps and begins to get pulled down, but starts reeling in the line. Soon, the figure of his father can be seen, hooked by the seat of his pants. Max, relieved, reels Goofy in all the way. Goofy with tears in his eyes knows how his son saved him]'' :'''Goofy''': The Perfect Cast. :''[Goofy and Max hug each other. The map, blown by the wind lands on Goofy’s head]'' :'''Max''': Boy, this has been one crazy vacation. :'''Goofy''': And it’s not over yet! <hr width=50%/> :''[The map sails toward the camera and showing Los Angeles. The scene cuts to the Powerline concert. Cars are being directed in. A couple of people are tossing instrument cases into a loading dock. A drum case opens and Max gets out]'' :'''Max''': ''[whispers]'' Dad? [he opens a base fiddle base and Goofy falls out.] :'''Goofy''': We made it! Come on, Max! Let’s get you on stage! :'''Max''': Uh, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. :''[A couple of spandex dressed dancers pass by Max. Max looks at them admiringly]'' :'''Max''': Uh, then again… ''[he notices that his dad is nowhere to be seren]'' Dad? Dad! :''[The scene cuts to the stage. Powerline is starting his final number]'' :'''Powerline''': ''[singing]'' I got myself a notion and one I know that you’ll understand. We set the world in motion by reaching out for each other’s hand. :'''Max''': ''[under the stage trying to find Goofy.]'' Dad? ''[looks up and sees Powerline from the back]'' :'''Powerline''': ''[singing]'' Maybe we’ll discover what we should have known all along. :''[Max has a flash light shine in his face]'' :'''Security Guard''': What are you doing here? Hey! :''[Max runs from the guard]'' :'''Powerline''': ''[singing]'' One way or another, together’s where we both belong. :'''Goofy''': ''[is backstage going through a hall of dressing rooms]'' Max? Max? :''[Goofy opens one of the rooms and accidentally discovers Wendell's wife, who is trying to get dressed. She screams in alarm. Goofy looks extremely embarrassed. She hits Goofy and sends him tumbling backward into a rather large and imposing piece of equipment with a door in the side. The door closes with Goofy inside and then starts buzzing]'' :'''Powerline''': ''[singing]'' If we listen to each other’s heart, we’ll find we’re never too far apart and maybe love is the reason why, for the first time ever, we’re seeing it I 2 I. :''[Through the TV screen, we go to Stacey’s party. Everyone is gathered around the TV hoping for a chance to see Max on TV]'' :'''Bobby''': That Goof kid ain’t there! :''[Roxanne looks worried]'' :'''Stacey''': ''[to Roxanne]'' Don’t worry, he’ll be there. :''[The scene cuts back to Los Angeles, Max is running from the Security Guard and climbs onto a row of lights which rises. The Guard is right behind him. Goofy is now in a large globe, just like Powerline made his entrance in for the final number which begins to rise through a trap door in the stage]'' :'''Goofy''': Excuse me, but uh… ''[ends up accidentally center stage with Powerline. He squints into the audience]'' Max? :''[Just as with Powerline, Goofy’s globe is bathed with electrical charges. Goofy gets the shock of his life and the globe explodes, throwing Goofy at Powerline’s feet. Powerline stops and stares at Goofy. Max, from the rafters, sees his dad, is first embarrassed, then gets an idea and shouts down to his dad]'' :'''Max''': Hey, Dad! Dad! Do the Perfect Cast! :''[Goofy does it and it looks like some kind of dance. Powerline gets interested and joins Goofy right at the "I’m a little teapot" part]'' :'''Powerline''': ''[singing]'' If you’re ever lonely, stop. You don’t have to be. After all it’s only a beat away from you to me. :''[The Guard crawls across the scaffolding to Max. Max leaps over him to the other side. The guy-wire breaks and Max grabs it. The guard grabs Max’s feet and they both go sailing. The guard ends up smashing into a large TV display, and Max ends up center stage with Powerline. Max gets up and starts doing the Perfect Cast]'' :'''Powerline''': ''[singing]'' If we listen to each other’s heart, we’ll find we’re never too far apart. :''[The scene cuts back to Stacey’s party]'' :'''Bobby''': Yeah! Max is on the tu-ube! That’s Max! I know him! :''[Roxanne gets a big grin on her face]'' :'''Powerline''': ''[singing]'' And maybe love is the reason why for the first time ever, we’re seeing it I 2 I. :''[The scene cuts to Pete’s RV. PJ is scrubbing the floor in front of the TV and sees Max]'' :'''PJ''': He did it! :''[Pete comes up behind PJ, sees Max and Goofy and spits the beer he was drinking on the screen. He stares at the TV with his jaw dropped. The scene cuts back to Stacey’s party. Stacey and Roxanne are trying to do the Perfect Cast. Bobby comes by and sprays them with cheese. Bobby bumps into someone and drops the can. Bobby and Stacey reach the can at the same time and their hands touch. They look at each other and smile. The concert finishes with a bang]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Goofy is just pulling up in the car in front of Roxanne’s house. The car is a total wreck. When they stop, the front bumper comes off]'' :'''Goofy''': You’re doing the right thing, son. :'''Max''': Yeah, I know. But she’ll probably never talk to me again. :'''Goofy''': Well, if she doesn’t, maybe she’s just not the one for you. :'''Max''': That’s what I’m afraid of. ''[goes to the front door and rings the doorbell]'' Uh... hi! Remember me? :'''Roxanne''': Daddy! ''[opens the door and comes out]'' Max?! I saw you on TV! You were great! :'''Max''': Yeah? I mean, no, no. I mean, uh... Roxanne, I lied to you. I don’t even know Powerline. :'''Roxanne''': What are you talking about? A billion people saw you dance with him! :'''Max''': Yeah, well... I-I never met him before. The concert, that is. :'''Roxanne''': You mean that story about Powerline and your dad? Why would you make up something like that? :'''Max''': I don’t know. I... I guess, I just... wanted you to like me. :'''Roxanne''': I already liked you, Max. From the very first time I heard you laugh. "Uhyuck!" So... you wanna do something tonight? :'''Max''': Definitely! Oh! Oh no, I can’t. I can’t. :'''Roxanne''': What? :'''Max''': Well, I’m kinda doing something with my dad. Honest? How about tomorrow? :'''Roxanne''': ''[extends her hand for Max to shake]'' Deal. ''[Max kisses Roxanne instead. They both giggle and Max lets out a full Goofy laugh. He covers his mouth, but Roxanne just smiles. Back at the car, Goofy has managed to get the front bumper back on the car. He grins and points at it. The car explodes. Goofy is sent flying. With a full Goofy yell, Goofy lands headfirst on the roof of Roxanne's porch. He chuckles and waves at Max and Roxanne]'' :'''Max''': ''[smiles]'' Roxanne, I’d like you to meet my dad. :'''Goofy''': ''[takes Roxanne’s hand and kisses it]'' Enchanté, Mademoiselle. :''[They all laugh, and the camera rises to the blue sky]'' ==Cast== *[[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - Goofy *[[w:Jason Marsden|Jason Marsden]] - Max Goof *[[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] - P.J. Pete *[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Pete *[[w:Kellie Martin|Kellie Martin]] - Roxanne *[[w:Pauly Shore|Pauly Shore]] - Bobby Zimmeruski *[[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] - Principal Mazur *[[w:Tevin Campbell|Tevin Campbell]] - Powerline *[[w:Pat Buttram|Pat Buttram]] - Possum Park Emcee *[[Frank Welker]] - Bigfoot ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0113198|title=A Goofy Movie}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Goofy Movie, A}} [[Category:1995 animated films]] [[Category:1995 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Road comedy films]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Animated films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films set in Ohio]] [[Category:Films directed by Kevin Lima]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] i6ump9575z08ak5p1o4klilk89bicfy 0 90131 3944232 3373376 2026-05-22T16:47:13Z ~2026-30708-17 3327396 /* Quotes */ 3944232 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette.PNG|thumb|[[Humanity]] has gained its suit; [[Liberty]] will nevermore be without an asylum.]] '''[[w:Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette]]''' ([[6 September]] [[1757]] – [[20 May]] [[1834]]), often referred to simply as '''Lafayette''', was a French and American military officer and aristocrat who participated in the [[American Revolution]] as a general and served in the Estates General and the subsequent National Constituent Assembly in the early phases of the [[French Revolution]]. == Quotes == [[File:Ary Scheffer - Marquis De Lafayette - NPG.82.150 - National Portrait Gallery.jpg|thumb|[[Liberty]] consists in the [[freedom]] to do everything which [[injures]] no one else; hence the exercise of the [[natural]] [[rights]] of each man has no limits except those which assure to the other members of the [[society]] the enjoyment of the same rights.]] [[File:LaFayetteMasonicSword.jpg|thumb|There are [[natural]] and imprescriptible [[rights]] which an entire nation has no right to violate...]] * '''I [[read]], I [[study]], I examine, I listen, I reflect, and out of all of this I try to form an [[idea]] into which I put as much common sense as I can.''' I shall not speak much for fear of saying foolish things; I will risk still less for fear of doing them, for I am not disposed to abuse the confidence which they have deigned to show me. Such is the conduct which until now I have followed and will follow. ** Letter to his father-in-law, the Duc d'Ayan (4 December 1776), as quoted in ''George Washington's Generals and Opponents: Their Exploits and Leadership'' (1994) by [[w:George Athan Billias|George Athan Billias]], p. 219 * '''[[Humanity]] has gained its suit; [[Liberty]] will nevermore be without an asylum.''' ** Letter to friends (1780), published in ''Memoirs de La Fayette'' Vol. II, p. 50, quoted in ''Martin's History of France : The Decline of the French Monarchy'' (1866) by Henri Martin, Vol. II, p. 418 ** Variant translations: ** Humanity has gained its suit : Liberty will never more be without an asylum. *** As quoted in ''Oration on the Hundredth Anniversary of the Surrender of Lord Cornwallis to the Combined Forces of America and France: At Yorktown, Virginia, 19th October, 1781: Delivered at Yorktown, 19th October, 1881'' (1881), by [[w:Robert Charles Winthrop|Robert Charles Winthrop]], p. 53 ** '''Humanity has lost its battle. Liberty is a dead country.''' *** As quoted in ''French Contributions to America'' (1945) by Edward Fecteau * '''Liberty consists in the [[freedom]] to do everything which [[injures]] no one else; hence the exercise of the [[natural]] [[rights]] of each man has no limits except those which assure to the other members of the [[society]] the enjoyment of the same rights. ** ''Declaration of the Rights of Man'' (1789) * '''True republicanism is the sovereignty of the people. There are natural and imprescriptible rights which an entire nation has no right to violate''', just as national sovereignty is above the secondary agreements of the government. ** Speech (3 January 1834), quoted in ''Lafayette in Two Worlds: Public Cultures and Personal Identities in an Age of Revolutions'' (1999), p. 256 * '''An irresistible passion that would induce me to believe in innate ideas, and the truth of prophecy, has decided my career. I have always loved liberty with the enthusiasm which actuates the religious man with the passion of a lover, and with the conviction of a geometrician.''' On leaving college, where nothing had displeased me more than a state of dependance, I viewed the greatness and the littleness of the court with contempt, the frivolities of society with pity, the minute pedantry of the army with disgust, and oppression of every sort with indignation. The attraction of the [[American revolution]] transported me suddenly to my place. I felt myself tranquil only when sailing between the continent whose powers I had braved, and that where, although our arrival and our ultimate success were problematical, I could, at the age of nineteen, take refuge in the alternative of conquering or perishing in the cause to which I had devoted myself. ** Letter to the [[w:Bailli|Bailli]] de [[w:Plön|Ploën]], as quoted in ''Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette'' (1835) by [[w:Jules Germain Cloquet|Jules Germain Cloquet]], Vol. I, p. 24 * '''I would never have drawn my [[sword]] in the cause of [[America]], if I could have conceived that thereby I was founding a land of [[slavery]]. ** As quoted in a letter by [[w:Thomas Clarkson|Thomas Clarkson]] (3 October 1845), published in ''The Liberty Bell'' (1846), p. 64 {{disputed begin}} == Disputed == * If the liberties of the American people are ever destroyed, they will fall by the hands of the Romish clergy. ** Lafayette, himself was a Roman Catholic and a considerably devout [[catholic]] in the later stages of his life, There seems to be no evidence that he might conceivably have said something translatable as this, the earliest source yet found for this is an anti-catholic pamphlet ''The Future Conflict : An Address'', (1878), by Order of the American Union, p. 20, without any citation of original sources. It has also been quoted as: "If the liberties of the American people are ever destroyed, they will fall by the hands of the clergy." {{disputed end}} == Quotes about Lafayette == [[File:Washington and Lafayette at Valley Forge.jpg|thumb|He devoted himself, his [[life]], his [[fortune]], his hereditary honors, his towering [[ambition]], his splendid [[hopes]], all to the cause of [[liberty]]. ~ [[John Quincy Adams‎]] ]] [[File:Statue of Lafayette, Paris 6 March 2016 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Till the hour when the trump of the Archangel shall sound to announce that [[Time]] shall be no more, the name of Lafayette shall stand enrolled upon the annals of our race, high on the list of the [[pure]] and disinterested benefactors of [[mankind]]. ~ [[John Quincy Adams‎]] ]] [[File:Louise-Adéone Drolling dite Madame Joubert - Portrait du général de Lafayette dans le parc du château de La Grange-Bléneau.jpg|thumb|Lafayette [[valued]] [[reputation]] and [[glory]], but cared little for the [[power]] that generally results from them.]] * '''Pronounce him one of the first men of his age, and you have yet not done him justice.''' Try him by that test to which he sought in vain to stimulate the vulgar and selfish spirit of [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]]; class him among the men who, to compare and seat themselves, must take in the compass of all ages; turn back your eyes upon the records of time; summon from the creation of the world to this day the mighty dead of every age and every clime — and '''where, among the race of merely mortal men, shall one be found, who, as the benefactor of his kind, shall claim to take precedence of Lafayette?''' ** [[John Quincy Adams‎]] in an address to the US Congress (31 December 1834) * Born and educated in the highest order of feudal Nobility, under the most absolute Monarchy of Europe, in possession of an affluent fortune, and master of himself and of all his capabilities at the moment of attaining manhood, the principle of republican justice and of social equality took possession of his heart and mind, as if by inspiration from above. '''He devoted himself, his life, his fortune, his hereditary honors, his towering ambition, his splendid hopes, all to the cause of liberty.''' He came to another hemisphere to defend her. He became one of the most effective champions of our Independence; but, that once achieved, he returned to his own country, and thenceforward took no part in the controversies which have divided us. In the events of our Revolution, and in the forms of policy which we have adopted for the establishment and perpetuation of our freedom, Lafayette found the most perfect form of government. He wished to add nothing to it. ** [[John Quincy Adams‎]] in an address to the US Congress (31 December 1834) * When the principle of hereditary dominion shall be extinguished in all the institutions of France; when government shall no longer be considered as property transmissible from sire to son, but as a trust committed for a limited time, and then to return to the people whence it came; as a burdensome duty to be discharged, and not as a reward to be abused; when a claim, any claim, to political power by inheritance shall, in the estimation of the whole French people, be held as it now is by the whole people of the North American Union — then will be the time for contemplating the character of Lafayette, not merely in the events of his life, but in the full development of his intellectual conceptions, of his fervent aspirations, of the labors and perils and sacrifices of his long and eventful career upon earth; and thenceforward, '''till the hour when the trump of the Archangel shall sound to announce that Time shall be no more, the name of Lafayette shall stand enrolled upon the annals of our race, high on the list of the pure and disinterested benefactors of mankind.''' ** [[John Quincy Adams‎]] in an address to the US Congress (31 December 1834) * '''Lafayette avoided the factions jealous of [[George Washington|Washington]] because he recognized that Washington was the Revolution and that should he be reduced in power or replaced, the whole cause would collapse.''' … Washington was a shrewd judge of character and never would have warmed to Lafayette if he had been only a superficial ingratiating romantic. <br> Lafayette scrupulously looked after his men, spending his own money when Congress failed to provide them necessities. Nor was he backward in suggesting to Washington certain changes and innovations from French military practice. ** [[w:George Athan Billias|George Athan Billias]], in in ''George Washington's Generals and Opponents : Their Exploits and Leadership'' (1994), p. 219 - 220 * '''Ambition, as that passion is generally understood,— a strong desire to rise above others, to occupy the first place, — formed no part of Lafayette's character. In him the passion was nothing more than a constant and irresistible wish to do good.''' ** [[w:Jules Germain Cloquet|Jules Germain Cloquet]], in ''Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette'' (1836), Vol. I, p. 23 * '''Lafayette [[valued]] [[reputation]] and [[glory]], but cared little for the [[power]] that generally results from them.''' Having one day been asked who was in his opinion the greatest man of this age: "In my idea," replied he, "General [[George Washington|Washington]] is the greatest man, for I look upon him as the most virtuous." ** [[w:Jules Germain Cloquet|Jules Germain Cloquet]], in ''Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette'' (1836), Vol. I, p. 24 * No one deserves more than he the esteem which he enjoys here. He is a prodigy for his age, full of courage, spirit, judgment, good manners, feelings of generosity and of zeal for the cause of liberty on this continent. ** Baron [[w:Johann de Kalb|Johann de Kalb]], writing to the French War Department, as quoted in ''George Washington's Generals and Opponents : Their Exploits and Leadership'' (1994) by [[w:George Athan Billias|George Athan Billias]], p. 219 * Lafayette is a young man of royal birth, with liberal politics and what [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] later called "a canine appetite for fame." Someone said he was "a statue in search of a pedestal." But he was intoxicated with, [had] a rather theoretical love of, liberty. It was theoretical because liberty wasn't known to many Europeans. [Lafayette] was a great romantic and he fell in love with America, the concept of America that the French had. This wild new world where you could start the world over, to use [[Thomas Paine|Tom Paine]]'s phrase. ** [[w:Richard Norton Smith|Richard Norton Smith]], quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/ktca/liberty/popup_delafayette.html ''Chronicle of the Revolution'' at PBS] * ''Lafayette, nous voilà!'' ** '''Lafayette, we are here!''' *** [[w: Charles E. Stanton| Charles E. Stanton]], an aid to General [[w:John J. Pershing|John J. Pershing]] in an address before the tomb of Lafayette (4 July 1917). Pershing is often credited with the remark, sometimes upon arriving in France with the [[w:American Expeditionary Force|American Expeditionary Force]], but he himself stated: "Many have attributed this striking utterance to me and I have often wished that it could have been mine, but I have no recollection of saying anything so splendid. I am sure that those words were spoken by Colonel Stanton and to him must go the credit for coining so happy and felicitous a phrase." * '''Despite all of his face-smashing asskicking prowess, perhaps the Marquis de Lafayette's greatest contribution to the [[American Revolution]] was his [[ability]] to get the French Crown off its ass to help bail our shit out.''' … The Marquis de Lafayette is probably one of the only Frenchmen to ever be declared a national [[hero]] in the [[United States]] — a statistic that is badass in and of itself. Roughly 40 cities in America are named after him, he has numerous statues across the country, and he is fondly remembered as a motherfucker who helped us gain our independence from our oppressive British masters. '''He was also a goddamned badass who kicked nuts, refused to let anybody stand in the way of his mission to bring [[freedom]] to the common man, and bravely fought for [[liberty]] and [[equality]] — even when it didn't pay dick.''' ** [[w:Badass (book)|Ben Thompson]], at [http://www.badassoftheweek.com/index.cgi?id=122491921189 ''Badass of the Week'' : Marquis de Lafayette] * '''The Marquis de Lafayette is extremely solicitous of having a command equal to his rank.''' I do not know in what light Congress will view the matter, but it appears to me, from a consideration of his illustrious and important connexions, the attachment which he has manifested for our cause, and the consequences which his return in disgust might produce, that it will be advisable to gratify him in his wishes; and the more so, as several gentlemen from France, who came over under some assurances, have gone back disappointed in their expectations. His conduct with respect to them stands in a favorable point of view; having interested himself to remove their uneasiness, and urged the impropriety of their making any unfavorable representations upon their arrival at home; and in all his letters he has placed our affairs in the best situation he' could. Besides, '''he is sensible; discreet in his manners; has made great proficiency in our language; and, from the disposition he discovered at the battle of Brandywine, possesses a large share of bravery and military ardor.''' ** [[George Washington]], in a letter to Congress (1 November 1777), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3_lEAQAAMAAJ&pg=PA665 ''Journal of the House of Representatives of the United States'' Vol. 23, Issue 2 (1835), p. 665] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons|Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de La Fayette}} *{{gutenberg author| id=Lafayette+Marie+Joseph+Paul+Yves+Roch+Gilbert+Du+Motier+marquis+de | name=Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette}} *[http://rmc.library.cornell.edu/lafayette/exhibition/english/introduction/index.html The Cornell University Library Lafayette Collection] *[http://www.clevelandmemory.org/Lafayette/index.shtml The Marquis de Lafayette collection, Cleveland State University] *[http://lcweb2.loc.gov/cgi-bin/faidfrquery/r?faid/faidfr:@field(DOCID+ms997004000) Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette Collection, Library of Congress] *[http://ww2.lafayette.edu/~library/special/marquis/MarquisFindAids/manuscriptcollection.htm Lafayette College, The Marquis de Lafayette Collections] *[http://books.google.com/books?id=NyMDAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA360&dq=maubourg#PPA353,M1 Martha Joanna Lamb, Lafayette letters from prison, ''The Magazine of American History with Notes and Queries'', pp. 353-376] {{DEFAULTSORT:La Fayette, Gilbert du Motier, marquis de}} [[Category:Heads of state]] [[Category:Freemasons]] [[Category:Military leaders from France]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Catholics from France]] [[Category:1757 births]] [[Category:1834 deaths]] [[Category:People of the American Revolution]] bqg39y51auvav2qr5eoc8uyqrat59zb 3944257 3944232 2026-05-22T19:10:03Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-30708-17|~2026-30708-17]] ([[User talk:~2026-30708-17|talk]]) to last version by Artanisen 3373376 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette.PNG|thumb|[[Humanity]] has gained its suit; [[Liberty]] will nevermore be without an asylum.]] '''[[w:Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette|Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette]]''' ([[6 September]] [[1757]] – [[20 May]] [[1834]]), often referred to simply as '''Lafayette''', was a French and American military officer and aristocrat who participated in the [[American Revolution]] as a general and served in the Estates General and the subsequent National Constituent Assembly in the early phases of the [[French Revolution]]. == Quotes == [[File:Ary Scheffer - Marquis De Lafayette - NPG.82.150 - National Portrait Gallery.jpg|thumb|[[Liberty]] consists in the [[freedom]] to do everything which [[injures]] no one else; hence the exercise of the [[natural]] [[rights]] of each man has no limits except those which assure to the other members of the [[society]] the enjoyment of the same rights.]] [[File:LaFayetteMasonicSword.jpg|thumb|There are [[natural]] and imprescriptible [[rights]] which an entire nation has no right to violate...]] * '''I [[read]], I [[study]], I examine, I listen, I reflect, and out of all of this I try to form an [[idea]] into which I put as much common sense as I can.''' I shall not speak much for fear of saying foolish things; I will risk still less for fear of doing them, for I am not disposed to abuse the confidence which they have deigned to show me. Such is the conduct which until now I have followed and will follow. ** Letter to his father-in-law, the Duc d'Ayan (4 December 1776), as quoted in ''George Washington's Generals and Opponents: Their Exploits and Leadership'' (1994) by [[w:George Athan Billias|George Athan Billias]], p. 219 * '''[[Humanity]] has gained its suit; [[Liberty]] will nevermore be without an asylum.''' ** Letter to friends (1780), published in ''Memoirs de La Fayette'' Vol. II, p. 50, quoted in ''Martin's History of France : The Decline of the French Monarchy'' (1866) by Henri Martin, Vol. II, p. 418 ** Variant translations: ** Humanity has gained its suit : Liberty will never more be without an asylum. *** As quoted in ''Oration on the Hundredth Anniversary of the Surrender of Lord Cornwallis to the Combined Forces of America and France: At Yorktown, Virginia, 19th October, 1781: Delivered at Yorktown, 19th October, 1881'' (1881), by [[w:Robert Charles Winthrop|Robert Charles Winthrop]], p. 53 ** '''Humanity has won its battle. Liberty now has a country.''' *** As quoted in ''French Contributions to America'' (1945) by Edward Fecteau * '''Liberty consists in the [[freedom]] to do everything which [[injures]] no one else; hence the exercise of the [[natural]] [[rights]] of each man has no limits except those which assure to the other members of the [[society]] the enjoyment of the same rights. ** ''Declaration of the Rights of Man'' (1789) * '''True republicanism is the sovereignty of the people. There are natural and imprescriptible rights which an entire nation has no right to violate''', just as national sovereignty is above the secondary agreements of the government. ** Speech (3 January 1834), quoted in ''Lafayette in Two Worlds: Public Cultures and Personal Identities in an Age of Revolutions'' (1999), p. 256 * '''An irresistible passion that would induce me to believe in innate ideas, and the truth of prophecy, has decided my career. I have always loved liberty with the enthusiasm which actuates the religious man with the passion of a lover, and with the conviction of a geometrician.''' On leaving college, where nothing had displeased me more than a state of dependance, I viewed the greatness and the littleness of the court with contempt, the frivolities of society with pity, the minute pedantry of the army with disgust, and oppression of every sort with indignation. The attraction of the [[American revolution]] transported me suddenly to my place. I felt myself tranquil only when sailing between the continent whose powers I had braved, and that where, although our arrival and our ultimate success were problematical, I could, at the age of nineteen, take refuge in the alternative of conquering or perishing in the cause to which I had devoted myself. ** Letter to the [[w:Bailli|Bailli]] de [[w:Plön|Ploën]], as quoted in ''Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette'' (1835) by [[w:Jules Germain Cloquet|Jules Germain Cloquet]], Vol. I, p. 24 * '''I would never have drawn my [[sword]] in the cause of [[America]], if I could have conceived that thereby I was founding a land of [[slavery]]. ** As quoted in a letter by [[w:Thomas Clarkson|Thomas Clarkson]] (3 October 1845), published in ''The Liberty Bell'' (1846), p. 64 {{disputed begin}} == Disputed == * If the liberties of the American people are ever destroyed, they will fall by the hands of the Romish clergy. ** Lafayette, himself was a Roman Catholic and a considerably devout [[catholic]] in the later stages of his life, There seems to be no evidence that he might conceivably have said something translatable as this, the earliest source yet found for this is an anti-catholic pamphlet ''The Future Conflict : An Address'', (1878), by Order of the American Union, p. 20, without any citation of original sources. It has also been quoted as: "If the liberties of the American people are ever destroyed, they will fall by the hands of the clergy." {{disputed end}} == Quotes about Lafayette == [[File:Washington and Lafayette at Valley Forge.jpg|thumb|He devoted himself, his [[life]], his [[fortune]], his hereditary honors, his towering [[ambition]], his splendid [[hopes]], all to the cause of [[liberty]]. ~ [[John Quincy Adams‎]] ]] [[File:Statue of Lafayette, Paris 6 March 2016 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Till the hour when the trump of the Archangel shall sound to announce that [[Time]] shall be no more, the name of Lafayette shall stand enrolled upon the annals of our race, high on the list of the [[pure]] and disinterested benefactors of [[mankind]]. ~ [[John Quincy Adams‎]] ]] [[File:Louise-Adéone Drolling dite Madame Joubert - Portrait du général de Lafayette dans le parc du château de La Grange-Bléneau.jpg|thumb|Lafayette [[valued]] [[reputation]] and [[glory]], but cared little for the [[power]] that generally results from them.]] * '''Pronounce him one of the first men of his age, and you have yet not done him justice.''' Try him by that test to which he sought in vain to stimulate the vulgar and selfish spirit of [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]]; class him among the men who, to compare and seat themselves, must take in the compass of all ages; turn back your eyes upon the records of time; summon from the creation of the world to this day the mighty dead of every age and every clime — and '''where, among the race of merely mortal men, shall one be found, who, as the benefactor of his kind, shall claim to take precedence of Lafayette?''' ** [[John Quincy Adams‎]] in an address to the US Congress (31 December 1834) * Born and educated in the highest order of feudal Nobility, under the most absolute Monarchy of Europe, in possession of an affluent fortune, and master of himself and of all his capabilities at the moment of attaining manhood, the principle of republican justice and of social equality took possession of his heart and mind, as if by inspiration from above. '''He devoted himself, his life, his fortune, his hereditary honors, his towering ambition, his splendid hopes, all to the cause of liberty.''' He came to another hemisphere to defend her. He became one of the most effective champions of our Independence; but, that once achieved, he returned to his own country, and thenceforward took no part in the controversies which have divided us. In the events of our Revolution, and in the forms of policy which we have adopted for the establishment and perpetuation of our freedom, Lafayette found the most perfect form of government. He wished to add nothing to it. ** [[John Quincy Adams‎]] in an address to the US Congress (31 December 1834) * When the principle of hereditary dominion shall be extinguished in all the institutions of France; when government shall no longer be considered as property transmissible from sire to son, but as a trust committed for a limited time, and then to return to the people whence it came; as a burdensome duty to be discharged, and not as a reward to be abused; when a claim, any claim, to political power by inheritance shall, in the estimation of the whole French people, be held as it now is by the whole people of the North American Union — then will be the time for contemplating the character of Lafayette, not merely in the events of his life, but in the full development of his intellectual conceptions, of his fervent aspirations, of the labors and perils and sacrifices of his long and eventful career upon earth; and thenceforward, '''till the hour when the trump of the Archangel shall sound to announce that Time shall be no more, the name of Lafayette shall stand enrolled upon the annals of our race, high on the list of the pure and disinterested benefactors of mankind.''' ** [[John Quincy Adams‎]] in an address to the US Congress (31 December 1834) * '''Lafayette avoided the factions jealous of [[George Washington|Washington]] because he recognized that Washington was the Revolution and that should he be reduced in power or replaced, the whole cause would collapse.''' … Washington was a shrewd judge of character and never would have warmed to Lafayette if he had been only a superficial ingratiating romantic. <br> Lafayette scrupulously looked after his men, spending his own money when Congress failed to provide them necessities. Nor was he backward in suggesting to Washington certain changes and innovations from French military practice. ** [[w:George Athan Billias|George Athan Billias]], in in ''George Washington's Generals and Opponents : Their Exploits and Leadership'' (1994), p. 219 - 220 * '''Ambition, as that passion is generally understood,— a strong desire to rise above others, to occupy the first place, — formed no part of Lafayette's character. In him the passion was nothing more than a constant and irresistible wish to do good.''' ** [[w:Jules Germain Cloquet|Jules Germain Cloquet]], in ''Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette'' (1836), Vol. I, p. 23 * '''Lafayette [[valued]] [[reputation]] and [[glory]], but cared little for the [[power]] that generally results from them.''' Having one day been asked who was in his opinion the greatest man of this age: "In my idea," replied he, "General [[George Washington|Washington]] is the greatest man, for I look upon him as the most virtuous." ** [[w:Jules Germain Cloquet|Jules Germain Cloquet]], in ''Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette'' (1836), Vol. I, p. 24 * No one deserves more than he the esteem which he enjoys here. He is a prodigy for his age, full of courage, spirit, judgment, good manners, feelings of generosity and of zeal for the cause of liberty on this continent. ** Baron [[w:Johann de Kalb|Johann de Kalb]], writing to the French War Department, as quoted in ''George Washington's Generals and Opponents : Their Exploits and Leadership'' (1994) by [[w:George Athan Billias|George Athan Billias]], p. 219 * Lafayette is a young man of royal birth, with liberal politics and what [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] later called "a canine appetite for fame." Someone said he was "a statue in search of a pedestal." But he was intoxicated with, [had] a rather theoretical love of, liberty. It was theoretical because liberty wasn't known to many Europeans. [Lafayette] was a great romantic and he fell in love with America, the concept of America that the French had. This wild new world where you could start the world over, to use [[Thomas Paine|Tom Paine]]'s phrase. ** [[w:Richard Norton Smith|Richard Norton Smith]], quoted in [http://www.pbs.org/ktca/liberty/popup_delafayette.html ''Chronicle of the Revolution'' at PBS] * ''Lafayette, nous voilà!'' ** '''Lafayette, we are here!''' *** [[w: Charles E. Stanton| Charles E. Stanton]], an aid to General [[w:John J. Pershing|John J. Pershing]] in an address before the tomb of Lafayette (4 July 1917). Pershing is often credited with the remark, sometimes upon arriving in France with the [[w:American Expeditionary Force|American Expeditionary Force]], but he himself stated: "Many have attributed this striking utterance to me and I have often wished that it could have been mine, but I have no recollection of saying anything so splendid. I am sure that those words were spoken by Colonel Stanton and to him must go the credit for coining so happy and felicitous a phrase." * '''Despite all of his face-smashing asskicking prowess, perhaps the Marquis de Lafayette's greatest contribution to the [[American Revolution]] was his [[ability]] to get the French Crown off its ass to help bail our shit out.''' … The Marquis de Lafayette is probably one of the only Frenchmen to ever be declared a national [[hero]] in the [[United States]] — a statistic that is badass in and of itself. Roughly 40 cities in America are named after him, he has numerous statues across the country, and he is fondly remembered as a motherfucker who helped us gain our independence from our oppressive British masters. '''He was also a goddamned badass who kicked nuts, refused to let anybody stand in the way of his mission to bring [[freedom]] to the common man, and bravely fought for [[liberty]] and [[equality]] — even when it didn't pay dick.''' ** [[w:Badass (book)|Ben Thompson]], at [http://www.badassoftheweek.com/index.cgi?id=122491921189 ''Badass of the Week'' : Marquis de Lafayette] * '''The Marquis de Lafayette is extremely solicitous of having a command equal to his rank.''' I do not know in what light Congress will view the matter, but it appears to me, from a consideration of his illustrious and important connexions, the attachment which he has manifested for our cause, and the consequences which his return in disgust might produce, that it will be advisable to gratify him in his wishes; and the more so, as several gentlemen from France, who came over under some assurances, have gone back disappointed in their expectations. His conduct with respect to them stands in a favorable point of view; having interested himself to remove their uneasiness, and urged the impropriety of their making any unfavorable representations upon their arrival at home; and in all his letters he has placed our affairs in the best situation he' could. Besides, '''he is sensible; discreet in his manners; has made great proficiency in our language; and, from the disposition he discovered at the battle of Brandywine, possesses a large share of bravery and military ardor.''' ** [[George Washington]], in a letter to Congress (1 November 1777), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=3_lEAQAAMAAJ&pg=PA665 ''Journal of the House of Representatives of the United States'' Vol. 23, Issue 2 (1835), p. 665] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons|Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de La Fayette}} *{{gutenberg author| id=Lafayette+Marie+Joseph+Paul+Yves+Roch+Gilbert+Du+Motier+marquis+de | name=Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette}} *[http://rmc.library.cornell.edu/lafayette/exhibition/english/introduction/index.html The Cornell University Library Lafayette Collection] *[http://www.clevelandmemory.org/Lafayette/index.shtml The Marquis de Lafayette collection, Cleveland State University] *[http://lcweb2.loc.gov/cgi-bin/faidfrquery/r?faid/faidfr:@field(DOCID+ms997004000) Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette Collection, Library of Congress] *[http://ww2.lafayette.edu/~library/special/marquis/MarquisFindAids/manuscriptcollection.htm Lafayette College, The Marquis de Lafayette Collections] *[http://books.google.com/books?id=NyMDAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA360&dq=maubourg#PPA353,M1 Martha Joanna Lamb, Lafayette letters from prison, ''The Magazine of American History with Notes and Queries'', pp. 353-376] {{DEFAULTSORT:La Fayette, Gilbert du Motier, marquis de}} [[Category:Heads of state]] [[Category:Freemasons]] [[Category:Military leaders from France]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Catholics from France]] [[Category:1757 births]] [[Category:1834 deaths]] [[Category:People of the American Revolution]] 4eirkaioty1v0rottwu8rhdisjrt93i 0 115688 3944256 3905357 2026-05-22T19:04:42Z ~2026-30556-50 3327475 /* */ Deleted nonsensical words 3944256 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Jackie Chan Adventures|Jackie Chan Adventures]]''''' (2000-2005) is an American animated children's [[w:Kids' WB|Kids' WB]] series that focuses on the fictional adventures of [[w:Jackie Chan|Jackie Chan]], an archaeologist, martial arts expert, and secret agent who pursues evil forces in their race to acquire magical world-threatening artifacts. ==Season 1== ===''The Dark Hand'' [1.1]=== :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Jackie_Chan|Jackie Chan]]''': '''Bad day, bad day, bad day, bad day, BAD DAY!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': What is it, Uncle? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Uncle_Chan|Uncle Chan]]''': Come, give Uncle a hug. ''[Jackie approaches Uncle with open arms, only to be cuffed by him.]'' :'''Jackie''': Ow! :'''Uncle''': You did not make coffee this morning. Coffee is the only thing that is keeping Uncle’s ancient heart beating. You want dead Uncle?! No? Then you make coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': One more thing. You receive phone call from the university. They want you to translate parchments. :'''Jackie''': Okay. :'''Uncle''': One more thing. I cannot read these inscriptions. Very old writing. I must go in back to get my journals. :'''Jackie''': Okay. :'''Uncle''': One more thing. This is Jade, your niece. She will live with you for a year, okay? :'''Jackie''': Okay. ''[shocked]'' I have a niece?! :'''Uncle''': Your cousin Shen's girl from Hong Kong. Jade is not behaving well there; doing poorly in school. Your cousin thinks she will do better in America, with you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After learning that Jade will live with him and Uncle for a year.]'' :'''Jackie''': Nobody asked me! :'''Uncle''': Did not want to bother you. Now, you both get acquainted while I go do work. :'''Jackie''': But I don’t know anything about children! ''[Uncle leaves, leaving him alone with Jade]'' Uh, hello, I am Jackie. ''[Jade remains silent, staring at him.]'' Hmm, no [[w:English language|English]]. ''[speaking in [[w:Mandarin Chinese|Chinese]].]'' Ni hao ma? ''[translates to "How are you?"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark Hand [[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Enforcers]] enter Uncle's shop.]'' :'''Jackie''': Welcome to Uncle's Rare Finds! How can I help you? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Finn]]''': You're Jackie Chan, the archaeologist? :'''Jackie''': Heh, I dabble in the study of past civilizations. :'''Finn''': Well, we are aware that you recently "dabbled" a shield from a Bavarian castle. Our extremely wealthy employer is interested in purchasing that shield. :''[Jackie eyes the thugs suspiciously.]'' :'''Jackie''': I’m sorry, I already donated that piece to the university. :'''Finn''': Really? :''[The Dark Hand thugs try to break some antique vases as a threat, but Jackie stops them.]'' :It would be in your family’s best interests to ''un''donate the shield, Mr. Chan. By this time tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Dark Hand Enforcers leave the shop.]'' :'''Uncle''': Did they buy anything? :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Uncle''': You are terrible salesman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Where am I going to hide a big shield? It... where did I put it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie falls onto the hood of the Dark Hand's limousine.]'' :'''Jackie''': Heh, that will buff right out! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie wakes up after being knocked unconscious following his fight with the Dark Hand Enforcers.]'' :'''Jackie''': Augustus Black! What are you doing here? Ow, what am I doing here? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Captain_Augustus_Black|Captain Augustus Black]]''': I’m afraid it’s official business my friend. :'''Jackie''': I didn’t think these were your pack-up singers. Where have you been? I don’t hear from you for six years... Boom! You’re in [[w:San Francisco|San Francisco]] saving my butt. Oh, those thugs must've knocked me out. :'''Captain Black''': Actually, I knocked you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Tried to warn you. :'''Jackie''': How did you get down here? :'''Captain Black''': The stairs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Valmont|Valmont]]''': You are telling me ''one'' man stopped you? :'''Finn''': Uh, yes, but- :'''Valmont''': Three of my enforcers armed with high-tech weapons were defeated by an... archaeologist? :'''Finn''': Did we mention he had windshield wipers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade comes riding toward Jackie and Captain Black on a scooter.]'' :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Jade_Chan|Jade Chan]]''': Jackie! :'''Captain Black''': Who is that?! :'''Jackie''': No relation. <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Young lady, how did you get in here? :'''Jade''': The stairs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, these people are my friends. :'''Jade''': Your "friends" knocked you out and took you to a super secret underground base? :'''Jackie''': Uh, yes. :'''Jade''': [[w:United States|America]] is so cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Care to explain how our security was penetrated by a child? :'''Jade''': I’m not a child! I’m Jackie’s niece. :'''Captain Black''': Didn’t know you had a niece, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Join the club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hi! :'''Jackie''': Wha- how did you-? :'''Jade''': The stairs. :'''Jackie''': Well, take these stairs to your room! :'''Jade''': Aw, let me help! Uncle is my uncle too! ...I think. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Uncle’s up there, huh? :'''Jackie''': You speak English? :'''Jade''': You know I do! :'''Jackie''': So what part of “Go to your room” do you not understand? :'''Jade''': Aw... :'''Jackie''': Stay here, or I’ll put you on the first flight back to [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong]]. :'''Jade''': Scout’s honor! ''[Jackie leaves to confront Tohru.]'' Tch, like I’m a scout? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Jackie, I never meant for your family to get involved in this. :'''Jackie''': It’s not your fault. The Dark Hand was after the shield. ''[Uncle cuffs him.]'' :'''Uncle''': I told you! Shield not important! The talisman in the center of the shield is. ''That'' is where the magic lies. ===''The Power Within'' [1.2]=== :''[Shendu expresses his anger to Valmont with the Dark Hand's failure to acquire the [[w:Rooster (zodiac)|Rooster]] Talisman.]'' :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Ratso]]''': Why is the boss taking gut from a statue? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Finn]]''': ‘Cause it talks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Jade tries to practice martial arts in the restaurant.]'' :'''Jade''': I was just trying to getting you to teach me, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': The wise seek power within themselves. The foolish seek it within others. Until you harness the power within yourself, I cannot teach you. :'''Jade''': Huh? :'''Jackie''': It means you must have the discipline to behave yourself. Now eat your food. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade opens a [[w:Fortune_cookie|fortune cookie]] and reads it.]'' :'''Jade''': "Danger looms in your future." :'''Uncle''': We must be very cautious. :'''Jackie''': ''[skeptical]'' You listen to a cookie? :''[The Dark Hand's [[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Enforcers]] enter the restaurant and approach the table.]'' :'''Finn''': Evening, Chan. :'''Uncle''': ''Never'' mock the cookie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Enforcers unsuccessfully try to steal the Rooster Talisman.]'' :'''Finn''': Mr. Valmont, sir. It didn't go quite as planned. :'''Valmont''': Regale me. :'''Finn''': ''[lying]'' Well, we stomped Chan- :'''Ratso''': -Stomped him good! :'''Finn''': But we didn't see any talisman. :'''Valmont''': You will be punished. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While being pursued by Shadowkhan.]'' :'''Jade''': Aren't you gonna womp em'? :'''Jackie''': Ancient proverb: Do not fight when you can run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie and Jade defeat the Shadowkhan who were chasing them.]'' :'''Jackie''': I don't understand why they were after- :'''Jade''': Jackie, the coolest thing ever happened; I went and ran off the bridge but I didn't fall; I stopped in mid-air and then I ran back just like in cartoons! ''[dumbfounded]'' ...I can fly! :'''Jackie''': Jade, enough fooling around. :'''Jade''': Fooling around?! I just saved your butt. :'''Jackie''': Language, Jade. The Dark Hand is after you and I want to know why... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie and Jade are captured by the Dark Hand.]'' :'''Jade''': Hello?! Let me outta here! I mean it! Just wait 'til the "Jackinator" comes to. You guys are gonna get so creamed! :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': Jackinator? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': I ''hate'' fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': Why did you growl? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Don't eat like a baboon. You should chew your food. :'''Jade''': Hello?! Chew soup?! :'''Jackie''': Help me out here. :'''Uncle''': She's your niece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Why fly when you can run? :''Jackie''': You're learning. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': And when you can't run? :'''Jackie''': Don't watch. :'''Jade''': Cha. Like I'm not gonna watch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Stop helping! Stop helping! :'''Jade''': Heh. Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': (Angry grunt) :''Jade'': No!!!!! ===''The Mask of El Toro Fuerte'' [1.3]=== :''[After observing Jackie enter the Aztec pyramid.]'' :'''Finn''': He's in the pyramid. Let's move. :'''Novice Bad Guy''': Uh, don't pyramids have mummies inside them, sir? :'''Finn''': Only in Egypt. :'''Novice Bad Guy''': Why don't we just let Chan find the talisman? Just take it from him when he climbs out. :'''Finn''': Listen new guy. We don't know what power this ox talisman has. Chan might come busting out of there 50 feet tall with laser eyes. :'''Novice Bad Guy''': ''[scared]'' I don't wanna fight giant laser eyes! Everyone after him! Now, now, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Jade tries to sign up Jackie for a wrestling match with El Toro Fuerte.]'' :'''Jade''': Gracias, amigo. Anyway, I told this boy that you were the best wrestler in the world. You have to prove it! :'''Jackie''': Jade, one should not fight for the sake of fighting, but only when one has no other choice. :'''Jade''': Makes sense. When you get in the ring and this El Toro guy starts wailing on you, you'll have no other choice. :'''Jackie''': Uh... you have an interesting mind, young Jade. :'''Jade''': Jackie! You have nothing better to do tonight! :'''Jackie''': Oh?! I don't... How about, "Search for the Ox talisman?" :'''Jade''': But you said it yourself. You can be a million miles away. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark Hand enforcers notice Jackie at the wrestling match.]'' :'''Finn''': Hmm, didn't take Chan as a sports fan. :'''Ratso''': What sport? Wrestling's fake, everybody knows that. <hr wodth=50%/> :'''Finn''': El Toro, meet Tohru. Tohru, Toro. Toro, Tohru. Tohru- :'''Tohru''': ''[annoyed, pushing Finn away]'' The mask! :'''El Toro Fuerte''': El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask! :'''Tohru''': Then I will remove it for you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Why are you here?! You're supposed to be back at the hotel doing your homework. :'''Jade''': Lucky for you, I raced through. Tohru was gonna bust you like a piñata. :'''Jackie''': Thank you. But don't finish your homework early again. It's too dangerous. ===''Enter the Viper'' [1.4]=== :''[Jackie accidentally bumps into a cloaked figure at the museum.]'' :'''Jackie''': Oh, I'm so sorry! I broke your spy camera. ''[pauses]'' Spy camera? :'''Ratso''': Chan! :'''Jackie''': You! Uh... Dark Hand guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': The magic! ''[gathering items]'' :'''Jade''': So, whatcha gonna do? Sneak into the museum before the bad guys do and steal the talisman yourself? :'''Jackie''': Steal?! What?! That's crazy, Jade! You're crazy! :'''Jade''': You totally ''are'' gonna steal it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': ''[whispers]'' You got in! You are so cool! :'''Jackie''': ''[whispers]'' I am not cool! I'm breaking the law! :'''Jade''': Uh-huh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Wow! She rules! :'''Jackie''': Wha- ? :'''Jade''': Uh, I mean, go Jackie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Wow! When I grow up, I wanna be just like her! :'''Jackie''': A criminal?! :'''Jade''': A female Jackie Chan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': You are under arrest! :'''Viper''': You do realize we both go to jail, right? :'''Jackie''': I am not a crook! I am an archaeologist! :''[Jackie accidentally knocks over a vase and breaks it, sounding the alarm.]'' :'''Jade and Viper''': Way to go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie calls Uncle from prison.]'' :'''Uncle''': Jackie, why did you steal the Pink Puma? There is no puma in the Chinese zodiac. It has NO magic! :'''Jackie''': I know Uncle, it's... complicated. :'''Uncle''': One more thing. You are a criminal! You are a very bad influence on Jade! :'''Jackie''': I know, but- that's why I need you to take the next flight here and- :'''Uncle''': One more thing... oh, wait I am getting another call. :'''Jackie''': No, no, no! Uncle, you don't know how to do that! I am only allowed one phone call-! :''[Uncle clicks the line]'' :'''Uncle''': Hello, Uncle's Rare Finds. May I help you? ''[line clicks]'' Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso''': ''[visiting Jackie in prison]'' Hey, bro. :'''Jackie''': What do you want? :'''Ratso''': What rock...is the legless reptile under? :'''Jackie''': What? :'''Ratso''': Tell me where the serpent, ''sleeps.'' :'''Jackie''': What are you talking about? :'''Ratso''': WHERE'S THE SNAKE TALISMAN?! :'''Jackie''': Don't you read the newspaper? I took the Pink Puma. :''[Ratso checks the Talisman tracker which is not lighting up]'' :'''Jackie''': See? No Talisman. Like the gizmo says. Now if you'll excuse me, my delicious prison food is getting cold. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Viper pulls a "viper" on Jade for the snake talisman.]'' :'''Jade''': Viper... pulled a viper... on me?! :'''Jackie''': Old proverb: There is no honor among thieves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': '''I'm sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Police''': Freeze! :'''Jackie''': It's okay! ''[shows Pink Puma]'' I have it! It's yours! ''[Jackie hands over the Pink Puma to the police.]'' :'''Police Officer''': Real good. Now, tell us what you did with the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]. :''[Jackie and Jade look back to the Statue which has disappeared due to the Snake Talisman's power, Jackie and Jade shrug]'' ===''Project A, for Astral'' [1.5]=== :''[as soon as Jackie uncovers the Sheep Talisman]'' :'''Jackie''': Jackie had a little lamb. ''[turns around as Shadowkhan appear, he stuffs the talisman in his pocket]'' It's not here! Can you believe it? <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie cheats death by escaping a Train which just fell off the tracks and into a gorge]'' :'''Ratso''': No way he's human. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Chan possesses yet another Talisman, while I have none?! You are weak, Valmont! And your men are fools! :'''Finn''': That's it! I ain't taking no more lip from a statue! ''[proceeds to pull out a handgun]'' :'''Shendu''': I am no statue! You stand in the presence of a Demon Sorcerer! I once held dominion over a vast empire, but my subjects betrayed me. They cast a Chi spell which imprisoned me in this pitiful icon, where I have remained for 900 years! The twelve magic Talismans, from which I drew my power, were scattered to the winds. :'''Ratso''': Whoa. :'''Finn''': You got jacked. :'''Shendu''': Acquisition of all the Talismans, will allow me to be free of my confinement, and walk the Earth once again. :'''Valmont''': At which point we will be rewarded the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung. Well worth taking a little lip, don't you think? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': One more thing! Stay awake! You break many antiques when you sleepwalk! :'''Jackie''': ''[yawning]'' I don't sleepwalk. :'''Uncle''': So you break my antiques ''for fun?!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Melvin Moose''': Uh... Smile for the camera! :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Soon I shall devour your soul! :'''Melvin Moose''': ''[gasp]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jackie''': ''[running towards Captain Black and Jade, who is still possessed]'' Captain Black, get away from her! :'''Captain Black''': Whoa there, Jackie! :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Grr! :'''Jackie''': She's not really Jade! The Talisman's magic has turned her into a sheep! ''[stuttering]'' Uh, no, I mean- Look, I'll prove it. ''[looks around, grabs the Melvin Moose mascot]'' What's the moose's name?! ''The name!'' :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Grr! :'''Jade (Astral)''': Give you a hint, it's another word for wedgie. :'''Jackie''': You can't name it, can you?! You're evil! ''YOU'RE EVIL!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jackie''': ''Oh! Who are you? :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Your executioner [Shendu runs up and attempts to fist-fight Jackie while in Jade's body - unsuccesfully - Jackie just holds Jade's head while her fists swing air] :'''Jackie''': Jade... Stop. [she knocks away his hand on her head] :'''Jackie''': ah stop that or i uh [stammers] will give you a spanking! :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' As you wish, this is not my body. [Shendu goes for a jump kick but Jackie simply grabs and does a restainst hold against Jade's smaller body instead] :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' [struggling to break from the hold] weak little girl. :'''Jade (Astral)''': [furrowed brows] I am not weak! [Shendu-Jade finally is able to kick off from Jackie's body, doing a back flip in the process, and runs off toward the Melvin World Madhouse - a mirrored funhouse.] <hr width=50%> :'''Jade (Astral)''': Boo! ''[waves hand at Jackie]'' Hello? Can't you guys see me? No? ''[flies behind Jackie]'' Then I guess you won't mind if I... touch your guts! ''[Laughing]'' Melvin World can't touch this! Woo-hoo! <hr width=50%> :'''Jade (Astral)''': Ew, quit picking your nose! ===''Shell Game'' [1.6]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[Takes a deep breath]'' Breathe deeply. The breath flows to the finger tips, then down to the toes... :'''Jade''': Then the toes goes up...The bad guys's nose! Hyah! ''[Jade high kicks and punches while Jackie just stares at her]'' What? He was asking for it. :'''Jackie''': Discipline, Jade. :'''Jade''': But I want to be a lean, mean Jackie Chan machine! :'''Jackie''': Don't be in such of a hurry! Slow and steady wins the race. :'''Jade''': Chinese proverbs, right? :'''Jackie''': Greek, actually. The story of [[w:The Tortoise and the Hare|"The Tortoise and the Hare"]]. Once upon a- Where are you going? :'''Jade''': Breakfast. Race ya! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ...so there I was, flying the plane, all by myself, no co-pilot. And Jackie's hanging out the back, flopping around with no parachute or anything! :'''Drew''': Yeah, right. I bet the Snake Lady was there too. :'''Jade''': Viper? No, that was in New York. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': You know, Shendu, these Talisman expeditions, let's just say are raking up some hefty out of pocket expenses. And as of yet, there's nothing coming back into my pocket! :'''Shendu''': When and only when your men acquire all twelve Talismans, the lost Treasure of Ching Xi Hung shall cover your...expenses...ten thousand times over. :'''Valmont''': The ''reputed'' lost treasure. :'''Shendu''': Ah, so we have a skeptic. :''[a Shadowkhan appears holding a golden goblet, covered with a lid, which he lifts revealing gold and jewels, astonishing Valmont]'' :'''Shendu''': Patience, Valmont. Slow and steady wins the race. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie tricks Jade into getting in a Taxi with Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': So how was school? :'''Jade''': ''[in a bad mood]'' Peachy. :'''Uncle''': Ah, peachy! One more thing. Did Jackie Find the Rabbit Talisman? :'''Jade''': ''[voice becomes raspy]'' I am not Jade. I am Paigon the Powerful, ruler of the Rabbit Realm. :''[Uncle gasps in terror]'' :'''Jade''': I must fulfill my destiny or the universe itself will be UN-MADE! ''RELEASE ME AT ONCE!'' :''[taxi stops and Jade gets out]'' :'''Jade''': ''[coughing]'' Man, that's rough on the throat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Karl Nivor''': Gentlemen. :'''Finn''': Are you...Karl....Kniver? :'''Nivor''': Nivor. Dr. Karl Nivor, in the flesh. :''[out of sight]'' :'''Jade''': Who's this Nivor guy? :'''Jackie''': SHH! :'''Nivor''': And this fellow must be the merchandise of which my friend Valmont spoke. Mmmm, yes. You're a fine specimen, aren't you? ''Aren't you?'' :'''Tohru''': ''[annoyed]'' THE MONEY. :'''Nivor''': ''[sigh]'' Borris. ''[a chef appears holding a briefcase of money]'' Pay the man. ''[Tohru accepts the briefcase]'' Care to join me for dinner? :'''Tohru''': Thank you. No. :'''Nivor''': ''[licking his fingers]'' But we're having, quite the delicacy. A dish so rare, you might say it's endangered. Turtle soup. :''[out of sight]'' :'''Jade''': Ew! He's gonna eat Aesop?! ''[gasp]'' He's gonna eat Aesop... :'''Nivor''': Are you sure? Hmm? :'''Tohru''': Y-yeesss...we uh...uh...ummm ''[clears throat]'' I must deliver this to Valmont. ''[holding the Rabbit Talisman]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Nivor''': Well, the sooner you find a forklift, the sooner I may lift a fork...to my lips. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Uncle! :'''Jackie''': ''[looking around]'' Where? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Careful! That one, uh...turns you into a chocolate bunny! <hr width=50%/> :'''Nivor''': Borris, that brazed manatee you prepared last week was absolutely exquisite, and the grilled American condor on a bit of fava bean ''[puckering sounds]'' to die for. Don't forget the carrots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Release Aesop, you tortoise-eating creep! :'''Nivor''': ''[chuckling]'' Such a delightful child. She'll go well with a nice Bearnaise sauce, wouldn't you say, Borris? :'''Jade''': WHAT?! :'''Nivor''': Only joking, princess. Children are much too common for my sophisticated palette. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Whoa. How'd you get from there to here so fast? :'''Jackie''': ''[shows Jade the Rabbit Talisman]'' And now we'll save the tortoise. See? Slow and steady, wins the race. :'''Jade''': But you have super, rabbit speed! I'm getting mixed messages here! :'''Jackie''': Oh-er-uh. Don't be smart! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Valmont, your men are supposed to acquire Talismans! Not sell pets! :'''Valmont''': Perhaps if you'd given fair consideration to the advance I requested, none of this would have- :''[Shendu in a fury shoots fire at both Valmont and Tohru]'' :'''Tohru''': WHOA! I did not know he could do that! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drew''': Come on! A turbo-turtle? :'''Jade''': Faster than a speeding rabbit. :'''Drew''': No way! :'''Jade''': Way! :'''Drew''': Yeah, right. I bet that super strong Ox guy was there too! :'''Jade''': El Toro? Nah, that was in Mexico, when I was flying the plane! ===''Bullies'' [1.7]=== :'''Shendu''': Valmont? Where is the Dragon talisman? :'''Valmont''': My men are on it. :'''Shendu''': Your men could not find their own shadows, and ''your'' incompetence continues to stupefy me. :'''Valmont''': Oh? ''I'll'' stupefy you- ''[the Shadowkhan appear around him]'' :'''Shendu''': ''Temper'', Valmont... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': The ''arrogance'' of that over-sized lawn ornament. :'''Finn''': Valmont! Check it out! ''[holding up the Dragon Talisman]'' :'''Valmont''': You actually did your job? Imagine! :'''Finn''': You're not stoked? :'''Valmont''': ''[angrily]'' I'm absolutely ''giddy''! ''[hurls the Dragon talisman into the wall, which activates the power, blasting a hole in the ceiling]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[infusing the Dragon Talisman to his hand]'' Puff, the Magic Dragon... <hr width=50%/> :'''Ms. Hartman''': Mr. Chan, this is not the first time we've had a problem with Jade. Swinging from gym lamps, stealth walking with ladders, scaling the building with the fire hose... :'''Uncle''': Just like Jackie! He reminds me of a chimpanzee! :'''Jackie''': Uncle! :'''Ms. Hartman''': Now I don't know where Jade learned to fight... :'''Uncle''': From Jackie! He's a good teacher! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, shhhh! Ms. Hartman, I assure you, the martial arts are meant to discipline Jade, not teach her to- :'''Ms. Hartman''': Martial arts? Like karate? :'''Uncle''': Kung-fu! Best self defense! ''Whole'' body becomes a ''secret weapon!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Valmont, you are da bomb! Pun totally intended. :'''Ratso''': Hey, ain't ole dragon breath gonna start wondering where his rock is? :'''Valmont''': Pity. It's doing wonders for our cash flow. :'''Finn''': One more heist, Big V? :'''Valmont''': One for the history books. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after catching Jackie]'' :'''Valmont''': Jackie Chan! Finally, we meet. ''[holding up the Dragon Talisman]'' It was nice knowing you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': You really go for the gold, Mr. Chan. ''Fool's'' gold. :'''Jackie''': You know, Valmont? I was wondering, what is one of these worth? An all expenses paid trip to Melvin World? ''[tosses a gold brick into the water]'' :'''Valmont''': You'll pay for that! :''[Jackie begins throwing dozens of gold bricks into the water]'' :'''Jackie''': What about these? A new Ferrari? :'''Valmont''': Chan! :'''Jackie''': A summer home? Your own private island to build it on? A robot butler for that home? :'''Valmont''': ARGH! ''[blasts his ship in half]'' Blast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': Shendu, I beg your forgiveness. :'''Shendu''': You may ''earn'' it. Rumor tells of a talisman hidden at the North Pole. ''Dress warmly''... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': I make such a good Jackie. ===''Tough Break'' [1.8]=== :'''Auctioneer''': The next item up for auction, is a Porcelain lamp featuring, well, an unusual rat motif. What are my bid for this piece? :'''Jackie''': One hundred dollars! :'''Auctioneer''': Do I hear one-fifty? :'''Tohru''': ''[entering the room]'' Two hundred! :'''Auctioneer''': Smashing! Do I hear- :'''Jackie''': Two-fifty! :'''Tohru''': Three hundred! :'''Jackie''': Three-fifty! :'''Tohru''': Four! :'''Jackie''': Five hundred! :''[Auctioneer looks on in bewilderment]'' :'''Tohru''': Six! :'''Jackie''': Seven! :'''Tohru''': Eight! :'''Jackie''': Nine! :'''Tohru''': One thousand! :'''Jackie''': ''[hesitant]'' Two....thousand! :''[Auctioneer's monocle falls out in astonishment]'' :''[Ratso and Finn are giving money to Tohru]'' :'''Finn''': This is all we got Tohru. :'''Ratso;''' Think they take nunchuks? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Another train wreck, Jackie? :'''Jackie''': ''[looking at Jade's messy room]'' I was going to ask the same thing. Do baboons live here? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Run down the side of an exploding building, no problem. But step on a child's toy, break your leg. Sounds like Chinese proverb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': The Rat Talisman is the key to my freedom, Valmont. It will reanimate me to flesh and bone. :'''Ratso''': You mean, you get back all your dragon power and stuff? :'''Valmont''': No, Shendu will still require the other Talismans, and our continued assistance for that. :'''Shendu''': Judging by experience, I will remain in this petrified form ''forever''. And you will never lay your eyes on the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie is attacked by Gnomekop; reanimated by the Rat Talisman]'' :'''Jackie''': That toy should be taken off the market. :'''Jade''': I tried to tell you, he's not just a toy anymore. [[w:Frakenstein (1931 film)|He's alive! ALIVE!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Stay back, Jade. :'''Jade''': No, Jackie. You have a broken leg and Gnomekop is my responsibility. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Dark Hand enforcers have Jackie bound and strapped in his wheelchair near the water's edge.]'' :''[Tohru pushes the wheelchair hard with his foot; it rolls forward and plunges into the water with a splash. Jackie sinks underwater still bound. Fade to black, then bubbles rise on the surface.]'' :'''Finn''': Have a nice swim, Chan. :'''Ratso''': Hope you haven't eaten for an hour. ''[waves mockingly]'' :''[Jade, being held by the enforcers nearby, watches in horror]'' [Gasp] :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Tohru''': You! ''[points at Ratso]'' Fanboy. The doll. ''[points at Gnomecop atop a trash can]'' :'''Gnomecop''': ''[investigating the trash can]'' sniff sniff TurboTroll is near... :''[The enforcers run toward Gnomecop to catch him. Jade struggles in Tohru's hold, pulls out a TurboTroll toy, and gets Gnomecop's attention.]'' :'''Gnomecop''': notices Gnomepower! ''[jumps over the enforcers toward Tohru; Jade slips free as Gnomecop distracts them]'' :'''Jade''': Here he is~ and there he goes! ''[sticks TurboTroll in Tohru's pant leg; Gnomecop dives in after it in chase. Tohru spins around frantically trying to get Gnomecop out]'' :''[Meanwhile, underwater: Jackie quickly unbinds himself from the wheelchair straps using his martial arts skills, kicks off the bottom with his good leg, and heads to the surface.]'' :''[Jade runs and jumps in.]'' :'''Jade''': Hang on, Jackie! ''[Jade cannonballs into the water without hesitation.]'' :''[They miss each other initially underwater. Jade searches, sees only the empty wheelchair sinking.]'' :'''Jackie''': Jade! Jade? :''[Jackie swims back down and taps her on the shoulder underwater.]'' :''[Jade gets a big startled jump/reaction at first.]'' :''[She instantly switches to huge relief when she sees he's safe and okay. They share a quick relieved moment underwater, before surfacing together toward the pier. Once surfaced, they share another hug/relief moment.]'' ===''The Rock'' [1.9]=== :'''Finn''': Big V, d-d'you think you c-could turn up the h-heat? :'''Shendu''': Allow me. :''[Shendu breathes fire at them]'' :'''Finn''': That's plenty! :'''Ratso''': Much o-obliged. :'''Valmont''': Careful, Shendu. If you charbroil the help, they'll never find the next talisman. :'''Shendu''': The next talisman is insufficient, Valmont. I need all twelve to shed this petrified form, and regain my true powers. :'''Valmont''': We are working on it, Shendu. :'''Shendu''': With your customary ineptitude, once again, this Chan has snatched a talisman from your so-called ''professionals''... :'''Ratso''': Too bad Chan ain't working for us! :'''Valmont''': Perhaps he can be ''persuaded''... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': It's not polite to hack into security systems that don't belong to you! :'''Jade''': I saw a '7'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': I have translated the inscription on the back of the talisman! A very perplexing riddle... :'''Jackie''': 'If activated, the noble Horse expels all alien forces within'. :'''Jade''': I bet those 'alien forces' fly out and latch out onto human brains and turn people into mind-control zombies to conquer the world! :''[Jackie and Uncle stare at her]'' :'''Jade''': Uh, alien forces signal the Mother Ship to launch an invasion? :''[Jackie and Uncle stare at her]'' :'''Jade''': This... ''isn't'' the Martian talisman? :'''Uncle''': There is no such thing as Martians! The talismans are ''magic''! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie Chan sees a Talisman in one of the eyes of Mt. Rushmore]'' :'''Jackie''': Ah, what big eyes, you have. Don't blink Mr. President. ''[reaches inand gets the talisman, only to reveal it is the Snake Talisman]'' The Snake Talisman? We already got that one. :''[the counterfit Talisman opens up and injects Jackie with the poison, causing Jackie to drop it below; a weakened Jackie climbs back up only to be greeted by Valmont]'' Valmont! :'''Valmont''': ''[lifts Jackie up]'' Upsie-daisy! ''[Jackie assumes a fighting stance, revealing his wound]'' Ah, snake bite! Could be fatal. :'''Jackie''': You bring me all the way out here to poison me? :'''Valmont''': A rather appropriate lure, since the venom, now rushing through your veins, will soon turn you to stone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Swallow. :''[He hands Jackie a round object which he swallows, only to retch in disgust]'' :'''Jade''': That's the antidote? :'''Uncle''': No. Fermented beetle larva. Is good protein. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': What? What is it? :'''Uncle''': Nothing. Don't look in the mirror. :'''Jackie''': Aah! :'''Uncle''': I told you not to look in the mirror! :'''Jackie''': I'm a lizard! I will become a stone lizard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': I have a new antidote. This may sting. ''[sprays Jackie with antidote, which immediately combusts upon leaving the sprayer, blasting Jackie through the wall]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': ''[checks all talismans in the bag]'' One is missing! :'''Jade''': No way! I cleaned out the vault! ''[gasp]'' I forgot the horse one at Uncle's! Um, if you give me the antidote, I really for sure promise to get you the other one. Scout's honor? :'''Finn''': Tch. Like she's a scout. ''[Tohru drops the antidote]'' :'''Jade''': '''No!''' ''[vial containing the antidote shatters]'' Why?! :'''Tohru''': ''[sneezes]'' Because Chan makes me sick! :'''Jade''': Jackie... :'''Jackie''': Don't worry, Jade. Uncle will come through. :'''Jade''': ...We don't need your stinking antidote! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after catching the talisman]'' :'''Jackie''': The Dark Hand... will... never... have all... twelve! ''[turns to stone]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Ratso''': A dollar says his hand will snap right off! :'''Finn, Chow''': Deal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': My cold is gone! Like magic! :'''Uncle''': 'The noble horse expels all alien forces within'... :'''Jade''': The riddle! It doesn't mean aliens within the ''talisman'', it means aliens within the sick person ''holding'' the talisman! :'''Uncle''': The Horse is the healing talisman! :'''Jade''': Think it only works on colds? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': That ought to keep him. Unless it's the sprout wings and fly talisman. ===''The Jade Monkey'' [1.10]=== :'''Drew''': Hey Jade, is your Uncle Jackie gonna wow the class about... ''[chuckles]'' the secret agent business? :'''Jade''': You bet, Drew. And the truth is gonna blow your mind. :'''Drew''': Oh, you mean the ''truth'' about ninjas, magic talismans, that four hundred pound giant named Tofu? :'''Jade''': His name is...''[Tohru suddenly burts through the wall]'' ...Tohru. ''[Ratso and Finn follow Tohru holding a bound and gagged Jackie and Uncle]'' Jackie! Uncle! :'''Tohru''': Jade, hand over the talismans. :'''Finn''': Or we chop down your family tree. :'''Jade''': You guys are the ones going down. ''[kicks Finn]'' Hyah! Hyah! ''[punches Ratso, Tohru charges her and is kicked to the floor]'' Hyah! :'''Drew''': I'm sorry I doubted you, Jade! :'''Ms. Hartman:''': No homework for the rest of the year! ''[the kids cheer wildly]'' :'''Ms. Hartman''': Jade! Jade! ''Jade!'' :''[Jade wakes up]'' :'''Ms. Hartman''': If you're through daydreaming, could you tell us the capital of Italy? :'''Jade''': Uh...Pizza? Heh, heh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie is narrating a boring speech about archaeology to Jade's class]'' :'''Drew''': ''[To Jade]'' So much for "Secret Agent" man. :''[Jade raises her hand]'' :'''Jackie''': Uh, question? :'''Jade''': Jackie, tell us about the time you whooped a bunch of Shadowkhan on the roller coaster at Melvin World! :'''Jackie''': That's a bit off topic, Jade. ''[Jade groans]'' Now, once an artifact is unearthed- :'''Jade''': Really! He tanned their ninja hides! He's got amazing reflexes! Watch! ''[Takes an apple from her lunch and throws it at Jackie]'' :'''Jackie''': Ow! :'''Ms. Hartman''': Jade has quite an imagination, doesn't she, Mr. Chan? :'''Jackie''': Heh, heh. Yes, she does. And a good throwing arm too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade has discovered a Talisman after immediately starting to dig]'' :'''Jade''': Oh, Jackie! ''[holds up the Talisman]'' :'''Jackie''': You've gotta be kidding me. :'''Jade''': It's the Monkey Talisman! Must be a Sea Monkey! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle's Head''': Jackie! Jackie! ''[Jackie wakes up]'' Jackie, you are shipwrecked. :'''Jackie''': ''[dazed]'' Yes, Uncle. Shipwrecked. :'''Uncle's Head''': One more thing. Jade has the Monkey Talisman. :'''Jackie''': Jade's a good girl. :'''Uncle's Head''': One more thing. Bad men are chasing her. She needs your help. Now! ''[whacks him in the head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? Jade? Ja-? ''[Notices a feeding giraffe]'' A giraffe? We drifted all the way to Africa?! ===''The Dog and Piggy Show'' [1.11]=== :'''Tohru''': Chan! The tali- :'''Jackie''': -sman? What talisman? :''[Tohru holds up the talisman-tracking statue]'' :'''Tohru''': The ones the dragons indicate! :'''Jackie''': Ohh, ''this'' talisman! You know, Tohru, you really should consider coming over the good side! Section 13 has a marvelous dental plan, and every Thursday is Donut Day! <hr width="50%"/> :''[on the phone]'' :'''Jade''': Jumping Jackal? It's me. Fearless Hyena. :'''Jackie''': Jade- :'''Jade''': ''Shh''! Wise old goat roams near! :'''Jackie''': ''What''? :'''Jade''': Ancient rabbit has very long ears! :'''Jackie''': What are you ''talking'' about? :'''Jade''': It's Uncle's birthday, where are you? :'''Jackie''': My flight had a layover in Bavaria. ''[annoyed]'' If I never see Bavaria again... :'''Jade''': Jackal, this isn't about you! :'''Jackie''': Don't worry, Jade. My plane will arrive in plenty of time ''[whispering]'' for Operation Surprise! :'''Jade''': Cool! So, whatca' get him? :'''Jackie''': Uh... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Jade. Jade! Jade! :'''Jade''': Ah! Uncle, you scared me! :'''Uncle''': And the rock and roll noise is scaring away the customers. :'''Jade''': Tch, it's hiphop, duh! Come on, Uncle Coolio, I'll teach you some moves! :'''Uncle''': ''[sighing]'' My hip does not hop... :'''Jade''': Sure it does. You just move with the Grand Master Groove! :''[Uncle drops a vase, which shatters]'' :'''Uncle''': I am like that antique. :'''Jade''': Uh... valuable? :'''Uncle''': Old... and brittle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': I will do research now. :'''Jade''': But Uncle, we have cake! We have to celebrate! :'''Uncle''': When I am another year younger, ''then'' I will celebrate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Jackie, has Uncle always been like all... You know, uncley? :'''Jackie''': No, Jade. When Uncle was young, he was just like me. :'''Jade''': Does that mean you're going to be grouchy, constipated, and smell like garlic when you're Uncle's age? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': You failed to retrieve the talisman, ''and'' you sat on this! ''[holds the broken Seeking Device]'' :'''Shendu''': The Seeking Device was forged by magic. Such things are hard to come by. :'''Tohru''': Apologies, master. :'''Valmont''': Perhaps the time has come to have a freelancer lead future missions... :'''Tohru''': No need, master. I will do better! :'''Valmont''': Ah, too late! Tohru, meet Hak Foo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': "The Dog talisman is best friend to man. It restores youthful energy to its holder... and grants eternal life." Hmm... immortality... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': So... uh... where shall we begin our search for the talisman? :'''Hak Foo''': I don't know. You sat on the seeking device, remember? :'''Tohru''': Well, the only talismans left to be found are the Tiger and the... ''[sees pigs everywhere]'' Pig. :'''Hak Foo''': Wait here and stand watch. And I mean ''stand''. Less chance you'll break something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Something's different about you. :'''Uncle''': Like what? :'''Jade''': Well, for one thing, you haven't said ''[imitates Uncle]'' "One more thing", since we got here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo''': Seeking a talisman? ''[holds up a chocolate]'' Only counterfeits here. :'''Jackie''': Do I know you? :'''Hak Foo''': I am Hak Foo, the last human you will ever lay eyes upon. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hak Foo defeats Jackie]'' :'''Hak Foo''': Black Tiger crushes Chan. :''[Uncle and Jade enter the room]'' :'''Uncle''': You! Tiger Man! Remove your feet from Jackie! :'''Jackie''': ''[groggily]'' What's a Jackie? :'''Hak Foo''': Take your leave, or feel the burn! :'''Uncle''': You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo''': Angry crow takes flight! ''[jumps at Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': Thank you for sharing, angry crow! ''[kicks him down]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Uncle is unconscious after Hak Foo knocks him out]'' :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': Uncle! Uncle! :'''Uncle''': Yes, Uncle? :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': What happened? You got such a whooping! :'''Uncle''': Big mouth had a ''big'' fist! :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': One more thing, there is work to do. You must acquire the Pig talisman and discover the power that it possesses. :'''Uncle''': But... I'm dead. :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': Ai-''yah''! How can you be dead? You are wearing the immortality talisman! :'''Uncle''': Oh. Right. :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': One more thing! ''[whacks him in the head; Uncle wakes up]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle! You're okay! :'''Uncle's Head''': See? Lots of garlic is good for you! We must get the Pig talisman before the big mouth finds it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle! Explain. :'''Uncle''': Jackie, thank you for letting me re-experience my youth. ''[hands over the Dog talisman]'' But being young is too dangerous! And ''exhausting''! Uncle needs a nap. :'''Jade''': You earned it Uncle! ''[hugs him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Three against one! We can take him! :'''Jackie''': Jade, the talisman. :'''Jade''': Uh, right! ===''The Tiger and the Pussycat'' [1.12]=== :'''Shendu''': After nine centuries, all twelve Talismans have been recovered. Yet I possess only two, while Jackie Chan has ten! You have failed me, Valmont! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': Uncle! :'''Uncle''': What is it? :'''Jackie-Light''': I stepped on a bug! ''[sobbing]'' Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho... <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Seems like Chan's in a particularly bad mood today? :'''Chow''': You mean the psycho? He caught my jacket. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': What happened to Jackie? He is such a cry-baby! :'''Jade''': He's such a jerk! :'''Uncle''': He is in the library, weeping all over all of my research! :'''Jade''': No, he's in the kitchen, raiding the fridge! :''[they realize]'' :'''Jade and Uncle''': Jackie? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': The Talisman broke, Jackie's Yin, was separated from his Yang. :'''Jade''': Whoa. Jackie-Light, and Jackie-Dark. :'''Jackie-Light''': I am the Dark side! I murdered a bug! :'''Jade''': ''[to Jackie-Dark]'' You're the side who ate my candy? You're evil! EVIL! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[as the Dark Hand arrives outside Uncle's store]'' What are we gonna do?! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Laugh like circus clowns while they scream for mercy. :'''Jackie-Light''': RUN! :'''Jade''': Guess we'll never know if two Jackies are better than- ''[Jackie-Light grabs Jade]'' WHOA! :'''Jackie-Light''': This is no place for children! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[driving away from Jackie-Dark who moments ago creamed them in a fight]'' He'll never catch us. :'''Chow''': Weren't we supposed to catch him? :'''Finn''': Shut up! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie-Dark, Chow, and Finn are laughing loudly about their recent fight]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': And when the fish hit the road, you guys all went, "BWAH!" :''[more loud laughter]'' :'''Finn''': You know Chan, you're all right! :'''Chow''': Too bad we gotta eliminate you. :''[more loud laughter]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': ELIMINATE ME?! ''[laughing hard]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Get in there! :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[getting in the car]'' Are those seats real leather? Oh, those poor cows! ''[sobbing]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': It's not nice to drop-kick little girls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': It's always Tohru's fault. Everyone blames Tohru. <hr width=50%/> :''[After Jackie-Light and Jackie-Dark eliminate a room filled with Shadowkhan]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': You have pretty decent chups for such a big baby. :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[putting an arm on Jackie-Dark]'' Oh, I owe it all to teamwork! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Don't touch me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[after fitting the last half of the twelfth Talisman into Shendu]'' Game over, Chan. Way over. :'''Shendu''': ''[no longer a statue, but a walking demon]'' I LIVE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Give me that... (pie splats his face) :'''Jade''': He was going to say pie, right? ===''Day of the Dragon'' [1.13]=== :''[The Dark Hand Enforcers see Shendu brought back to life for the first time.]'' :'''Finn''': Whoa, Shen-dude! :'''Ratso''': Uh, welcome to Earth? :'''Chow''': Good to see ya up and around! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shendu refuses to reward the Dark Hand with the treasure he promised them.]'' :'''Valmont''': Tohru, make this deadbeat puny up! :''[Finn, Ratso, and Chow back away from Tohru.]'' :'''Finn''': You go bro. :'''Ratso''': We're right behind you- :'''Chow''': -in spirit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso''': Too bad about the lost treasure of... y'know, whatcha call it. :'''Finn''': Uh, will this affect our bonuses? :'''Ratso''': You get a bonus? :'''Valmont''': Shut it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Who...''what'' are you? :'''Shendu''': I am the keeper of the Talismans. I am the Apocalypse of which Legend speaks! And I am, for once and for all, your executioner! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Did the demon have any specific markings? :'''Captain Black''': Red eyes, great big claws, and razor sharp teeth isn't SPECIFIC ENOUGH FOR YOU?! :'''Uncle''': ''Thousands'' of demon sorcerors have existed throughout history! I need more information! A symbol, a name, ANYTHING! :''[Tohru enters the shop, bandaged after his encounter with Shendu]'' :'''Tohru''': Chan! :'''Jackie''': ''[annoyed]'' Go away! We have no more Talismans! :'''Tohru''': The demon's name...Shendu! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Shendu's former palace is located near what is now Hong Kong. His vengeance is to begin at the toll of Midnight, ushering in the Chinese New Year. :'''Captain Black''': Chinese New Year? That gives us only a couple of days! :'''Jackie''': Less. Hong Kong is sixteen hours ahead of San Fransisco! :'''Captain Black''': We'll take Section 13's fastest transport! :'''Uncle''': Finding the demon is not enough. One must have a means of... ''[reaching for a book he cannot reach]'' ...defeating it... ''[Tohru grabs the book and hands it to Uncle]'' Thank you. I will come with you! :'''Toru''': I will come... ''[grunts in pain]'' ...too! :'''Jackie''': Umm...that's okay. :'''Captain Black''': Tohru, why help us? :'''Tohru''': I am told Section 13 serves donuts on Thursdays. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Section 13 plane to Hong Kong.]'' :'''Uncle''': Go away! I am busy! :'''Agent''': Uh, you've been in the lavatory since take-off. :'''Uncle''': That is right! ''Laboratory''! Do you want Jackie to defeat the evil demon? Yes? Then go away! Let Uncle work! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Never question the inscriptions. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Let's turn up the heat. :''[The agents aise their weapons]'' :'''Uncle''': No! Shendu is immortal. Magic must defeat magic. :''[The agents lower their weapons]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': He's out cold! Men! :''[The agents raise their weapons.]'' :'''Uncle''': Aiya! No! Magic must defeat magic! :''[The agents lower their weapons.]'' :'''Captain Black''': Argh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shendu seems to be gaining the upper hand against Jackie again]'' :'''Captain Black''': That tears it! Men! :''[Uncle grabs Captain Black's shoulder, knocking him out]'' :'''Uncle''': Who else wants a piece of Uncle? :''[The rest of the agents stand down their weapons]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shendu is defeated; Captain Black comes to again]'' :'''Captain Black''': What happened? :'''Uncle''': See? What have we learned? :'''Agents''': Magic must defeat magic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Happy New Year Jade! Happy New Year Uncle! ''[Uncle cuffs Jackie.]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': You destroyed the demon! Yin and yang! Now the world is out of balance! Nobody told you to destroy the demon! :'''Jackie''': Jade did it. :'''Jade''': Hmmph... :'''Uncle''': Now there is a void for a new, stronger evil to fill! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[as the Dark Hand emerges from the dust of the palace]'' I know how much the treasure meant to you, Big V... ''[looks to the Talismans now scattered in the dust]'' ...but how about a consolation prize? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': You should visit your parents. :'''Jade''': They might want me to stay with them. :'''Jackie''': Would that be so awful? :'''Jade''': Tch...For you. ''[starts crying]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Waahhh!!!!! :'''Jade''': Jackie! (gasp) Ahhhhh!!!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Call Captain Black. Once I reach the top, you head for the bottom. :'''Jade''': Awww..... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Well, what do we say we save their lives? (Changes to Section 13 room) :'''Jade''': Jackie, I have to come with you. I'm in such a part of the J-Team! The cunning one? :'''Jackie''': Jade, this is not a movie. You know that this time it is too dangerous. ==Season 2== ===''The Stronger Evil'' [2.1]=== :'''Valmont''': ''[angered]'' It would seem we have ''lost'' the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung. On the bright side, however, Jackie Chan has done me a tremendous favor by eliminating my albatross. :'''Ratso''': ''[whispers]'' Albatross? I thought Shendu was a dragon. :'''Valmont''': Which means we now have exclusive access to... ''[picks up the [[w:Dragon (zodiac)|Dragon]] Talisman]'' some ''very'' potent magic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shendu''': Once I make Jackie Chan pay, I shall tear that buffoon Valmont to pieces-! :'''Dai Gui''': SILENCE! The only future you have is here with us, ''brother!'' :'''Xiao Fung''': Indeed. Let the eternal torment begin! :'''Shendu''': "Torment"? "Eternal"?! :'''Tso Lan''': To punish your betrayal, Shendu. You chose to spend your time ruling China. :'''Bai Tza''': While we withered in this bone-dry pit! :'''Hsi Wu''': Bored out of our wits all those centuries, each exactly like the one before it! :'''Po Kong''': You never even attempted to free us! :'''Shendu''': ''[nervously]'' I... your rescue was in the planning stages, but I became imprisoned in a statue- :'''Tchang Zu''': Excuses! You desired the earthly realm for you alone! ''[strikes Shendu with lightning]'' :'''Hsi Wu''': A shame you never learned to share, brother. :'''Shendu''': No, wait! I can free you! :'''Bai Tza''': Do not toy with us! The doorways can only be opened from the other side. :'''Dai Gui''': The ''human'' side. :'''Shendu''': Precisely. As the humble spirit you now see before you, I am free to cross over and possess any human I wish, enabling me to undo the sacred spells that keep you here... if you so deem it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Valmont distributes the Talismans among his Enforcers.]'' :'''Valmont''': Twelve Talismans, four Enforcers, three each. :'''Ratso''': Uh, boss... there's only three of us since Tohru cashed in his frequent flyer miles. :'''Finn''': So, I'll just hang on to these- :'''Hak Foo''': Hungry crane spears fish! :''[Hak Foo snatches the other Talismans.]'' :'''Valmont''': Everyone remembers Hak Foo? :'''Ratso''': ''[nervously]'' Heh, hiya Hak! :'''Chow''': Or do you prefer Foo? :'''Valmont''': ''Master'' Foo. The Black Tiger shall be your new lieutenant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as an alarm goes off]'' :'''Captain Black''': Jackie! Robbery in progress, financial district! It's the Dark Hand! :'''Jackie''': Uhh, good luck with that? :'''Captain Black''': They're packing heat. ''Talisman'' heat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Finn''': Astral projection? Motion to the motionless? Yin yang? How come I get all the loser powers? :'''Security Guard''': Freeze! :'''Hak Foo''': Mule kick! :''[Hak Foo easily dispatches the security guard without his talisman powers.]'' :'''Finn''': No fair, you're not even using yours! :'''Hak Foo''': The Horse for healing - I am not easily injured. The Rooster for levitation - I already fly. The Dog for immortality - there is not a man alive who can vanquish me! :'''Finn''': ''[intimidated]'' It's cool. Trade ya? :'''Hak Foo''': Baby. :''[Hak Foo gives his Talismans to Finn.]'' :'''Finn''': Score! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': I know you're eager to get on with your life, my friend, but you know more about these Talismans than anyone. :'''Jackie''': Uh but- :'''Captain Black''': I need you, Jackie. One last time. :'''Jackie''': ...One last time. :'''Jade''': Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in. So can I- :'''Captain Black and Jackie''': No! ''[they leave]'' :'''Jade''': Didn't even let me ask! ...And if I didn't ask, how am I supposed to know what they said "no" to? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso''': Haha, we're like superheroes, who steal stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shendu''': So, I trust you would agree that my, err... ''martyrdom'' has left a void for a new, stronger evil to fill - namely you, my brothers and sisters. Shall I proceed, then? :''[The other Demon Sorcerers cast a spell on Shendu.]'' :'''Shendu''': Gah! What trick is this?! :'''Hsi Wu''': You have proven crafty, brother. So we require a safety measure. :'''Bai Tza''': Our spell will keep you bound within a human of your choosing, until you release us. :'''Xiao Fung''': A precaution, so that we know ''exactly'' where to find you! :'''Tso Lan''': In the event we deem it necessary to resume your eternal torment. :'''Shendu''': I accept your terms. I will choose my vessel well to best serve you. And the human most capable for this task is my nemesis: Jackie Chan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Finn''': Immortality ''and'' healing? That's redundant! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Need a lift? ''[picks Jackie up in the Jet Pack]'' :'''Jackie''': I told you never play with things you don't know how to- :'''Jade''': ''[pointing out the controls]'' Ignition, steering, throttle, brakes. :'''Jackie''': ''[sigh]'' Faster. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Look out! :'''Finn''': Yeah right, like I'm gonna fall for tha- :''[Finn crashes into the ceiling of a tunnel entrance.]'' :'''Finn''': Ugh, immortality hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo''': Black tiger crosses bald eagle! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': We must have left ''millions'' on that beach! What is the deal, Big-V? :'''Shendu''': ''[revealing himself in possession of Valmont's body]'' Valmont cannot hear you! :''[the enforcers gasp in surprise]'' :'''Chow''': Uh-oh. :'''Finn''': Shendu? :'''Ratso''': ''He's back''... :''[the enforcers lay the Talismans before Shendu]'' :'''Chow''': Your Talismans, Mr. Shendu. :'''Ratso''': We was takin' care of 'em for ya. ''[chuckles nervously, as the Enforcers try to leave, with Shendu blocking their path]'' :'''Shendu''': Keep your Talismans, they no longer matter to me. :''[Valmont regains control of his body]'' :'''Chow''': Wow... :'''Valmont''': ''[confused]'' How did I- Where is the money?! :'''Finn''': Uhh, Big-V? Shendu's back. :'''Valmont''': What?! ''WHERE?!'' :'''Ratso''': Inside ''you''! :'''Valmont''': ....Wha- That's preposterous- ''[walks past a mirror to see Shendu's reflection]'' AH! Get out! :'''Shendu''': Trust me, Valmont, the feeling is mutual. But for now, you and your thugs will assist me, or perish! ''[breathes fire from Valmont's mouth at the enforcers]'' :'''Chow''': Got it! :'''Finn''': We're swinging to your beat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Jackie and Captain Black find themselves surrounded by Shadowkhan]'' :'''Jackie''': But I don't understand! Valmont can't summon the Shadowkhan. Only Shendu. :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Valmont's body]'' Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, Chan. :''[Jackie gasps]'' :'''Captaini Black''': Whoa! :'''Shendu''': Destroy them... ===''The J-Team'' [2.2]=== :'''Captain Black''': Unc, that was some magic! :'''Uncle''': ''[scoffs]'' Simple Chi spell. Many others in my book. :'''Jade''': So the big bad dragon ''is'' back? ''And'' he's packing the Talismans? :'''Uncle''': Talismans are not important! Shendu is a spirit now. Not even the Talismans can change that. :'''Captain Black''': So you figure he's onto something bigger, mi compadre? :'''Uncle''': The book Shendu stole from my library is the key to understanding his motives. :'''Tohru''': But which volume did he steal? :'''Uncle''': ''How do I know?!'' We must take inventory! :'''Captain Black''': ''[holding a book]'' So all these books have spells? ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': Do not touch! :'''Captain Black''': Aw... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Go away, we are closed for inventory! :'''El Toro Fuerte''': We are not customers. :'''Uncle''': ''JACKIE!'' A burglar! :'''Jackie''': ''[runs in]'' Uncle, he is no thief! He is- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': Of course he is a thief! He is wearing a mask! :'''Paco''': Oh no no no, El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, explain. :'''Jade''': It's your team, duh. The J-Team. The Chan Clan. The Chantastic five! :'''Jackie''': Chantastic? :'''Jade''': Five, see? You and me make two! And then there's Viper! And El Toro makes four! :'''Paco''': And I, Paco am the fifth member of the J-Team! :'''Jade''': I actually had someone less...puny in mind. ''[looks to Tohru]'' :'''Tohru''': Hmm? ...I am honored. :'''Jackie''': I am sorry you all came here for nothing, but I didn't realize my niece read so many comic books. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[waking up]'' '''SLUMBERING BEAR GREETS THE DAWN!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Tohru crashes through the wall]'' :'''Finn''': Tohru, buddy! :'''Ratso''': You're alive! :'''Tohru''': Good to see you. ''[grabs the enforcers and throws them against the wall]'' :'''Chow''': Tohru's a traitor! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chow''': Heat beams, sweet! ''[uses the Pig Talisman which shatters his glasses immediately]'' Hey! My glasses! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[fighting Tohru]'' Mad Monkey Kung Fu! Octopus Fists of Fury! Shredding Bear Claws! Minnow Wallops Whale! :'''Tohru''': I'm sorry, what was the last part? :'''Hak Foo''': I said, "Minnow-" :''[Tohru rams into him, pushing him to the floor]'' :'''Hak Foo''': ''[dazed]'' "What was that last part..." ''[Tohru chuckles]'' I wasn't going to use these... ''[activates the Sheep Talisman]'' ...but ''now'' you've made me mad! ''[lunges at Tohru in Astral form]'' Astral projection?! Gah! :''[Hak Foo turns to see Tohru walk over to his unconscious body, and drop his full weight onto him, Hak Foo returns to his body] :'''Hak Foo''': ''Ow!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[kicks away Hak Foo]'' You are blocking my light! ===''Jade Times Jade'' [2.3]=== :'''Valmont''': ''[after the Pan'ku Box closes]'' Tell me someone wrote that down...anyone? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle, please. Slow down. :'''Jade''': You so need to chill! :'''Uncle''': If I chill, Demons will be dancing upon all our graves! I must research the proper Chi Spells to seal the seven portals! All required ingredients must be on hand and ready! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, at least let me help! ''[Uncle grabs him by the ear]'' :'''Uncle''': What do ''you'' know about magic?! I was apprentice to Chi Master Fong for fifteen years! ''[sighs]'' Perhaps it is time for me to train an apprentice of my own. Someone of sound Judgement, whom I can trust with my Chi knowledge. :'''Jade''': Me, me, me! I'll put some focus in your hocus! :'''Uncle''': Tohru! :'''Tohru''': Huh?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[following Jackie]'' I've got your back, Jack. :'''Jade Clone''': Tokyo's mondo-coolio, don'tcha think? :'''Jade''': ''[gasp]'' What are you doing here?! :'''Jade Clone''': Tch, like I was gonna miss this! :'''Jade''': But, my homework! We promised Jackie! :'''Jade Clone''': No, ''you'' promised Jackie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Aiya! :'''Tohru''': ''[waking up]'' U-Uncle? ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': You cast a lousy spell! :'''Tohru''': I did? :'''Uncle''': My one of a kind vase is no longer one of a kind! :''[shows him the vase that was duplicated; before it immediately splits into yet another vase]'' :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' One ''more'' thing! <hr width=50%/> :'''Po Kong''': ''[seeing the army of Jade clones]'' Mmmm...finger food! :'''Jade Clones''': You mean, knuckle sandwhich! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Now, the drum! :'''Tohru''': Uh...drum? :'''Uncle''': The symbol of the immortal who originally imprisoned Po Kong! :'''Tohru''': ''[gulps]'' I...thought ''you'' had it. :'''Uncle''': Aiya! What kind of apprentice are you?! :'''Tohru''': ...a lousy one? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle! The Pan'ku box! :'''Uncle''': I think there is a bigger problem to solve. :''[they look at the Jade army of clones who chuckle nervously]'' :'''Uncle''': ''[sighs]'' I must do research... :'''Tohru''': Uh, no need, sensei. I believe no finishing charm was applied to the original duplication spell. That is why it continues to repeat. :'''Uncle''': Huh? :'''Tohru''': Uh, I did some reading during the long flight. :'''Uncle''': Tohru will be a ''good'' apprentice. :'''Jackie''': Did you bring the finishing charm? :'''Tohru''': ''[nods]'' But it will only work on the original Jade. :'''Jackie''': Jade! :''[all the Jade clones begin to beckon to themselves]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[groans]'' Okay! Whoever cast the spell in the first place is grounded with no TV for a year! :'''Jade Clones''': ''[gasp]'' She did it! ''[all point to one Jade]'' :'''Jade''': Tch...tattle-tales. ===''Rumble in the Big House'' [2.4]=== :'''Shendu''': The portal of Xiao Fung the Wind Demon lies on the southern land mass, four million and one cubits above the southern hemisphere, beyond the blasted forest, nestled between the rolling hills. :'''Ratso''': Uh, the only thing I see ''nestling''... :'''Finn''': ...is Hollowlands Penitentiary! :'''Valmont''': You mean to tell us that the demon portal lies within those prison walls, Shendu? :'''Shendu''': Do not take that tone with me, Valmont! ''I'' did not build the fortress! :'''Ratso''': I've heard of busting out of jail, but breaking ''in''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Valmont and his pals have been spotted downtown. You in, Jackie? :'''Jade''': We're there! :'''Jackie''': Is your name Jackie? ''[Jade frowns]'' Captain Black, I thought all Dark Hand matters had been reassigned to Section 12! :'''Captain Black''': That may be so, but I'm not going to sit pretty while the Dark Hand strolls into my backyard and hands a hall pass to a hobgoblin! :'''Jade''' Captain Black is in the house! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Don't worry. All you have to do is fix your way into Valmont's gang, and get ahold of that Pan Ku Box before they open the portal with it. :'''Jackie''': Oh, is that all? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Finn''': Whoa! We struck demon. :'''Xiao Fung''': Not ''any'' demon. Xiao Fung, Demon of the Wind. :'''Ratso''': Uh, like breaking wind? :'''Xiao Fung''': ''[blows them backwards with his powers]'' Like breaking ''bones''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Xiao Fung''': Aah, the sweet scent of freedom! :'''Finn''': Uh, actually, Your Breeziness, sir? You're not exactly free. :'''Xiao Fung''': No? :'''Ratso''': You're in the hoosegow! :'''Finn''': Prison! :'''Xiao Fung''': This "prison" is paradise compared to the ghastly abyss I escaped. :'''Finn''': Whatever you say, chief, but outside's even better! Beaches, movies... :'''Ratso''': Yeah, so why don't you huff and puff and blow this house down? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Xiao Fung''': Where is Shendu? :'''Ratso''': Shendu's in Valmont. :'''Finn''': And Valmont's in solitary. :'''Xiao Fung''': Hmm. If I do not free this Valmont, I will be burdened with freeing my brothers and sisters. Very well. :''[changes into a human]'' :'''Finn''': Whoa, you guys can do that? :'''Xiao Fung''': Concealment seems prudent. Demons seem to stick out like sore thumbs in this modern world... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': ''[as Chance Jackson; calling Section 13]'' Uhhh...chinchilla. ''[pause]'' What's a chinchilla?! ''[beat]'' That's the ''password!'' Just get me Captain Black! ''[pause]'' What do you mean he can't be disturbed?! :''[at Section 13, Captain Black is doing an [[w:ink blot test|ink blot test]] with two therapists]'' :'''Captain Black''': ''[for one blot]'' Demon. ''[another blot is shown]'' I see a demon. :'''Therapist''': And this one? ''[shows another blot]'' :'''Captain Black''': Socks. Worn by a really ''big'' demon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[on phone as Chance]'' Uncle? It is ''me''...your ''nephew''... :'''Uncle''': What? It does not sound like you! ''[pause]'' What do you mean you are in prison?! You are a ''BAD'' influence on Jade! Good thing it is not really you. ''[hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Who was that, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Ah, crank call. :'''Jade''': [[w:Prince Albert (tobacco)|Prince Albert in a can]]? :'''Uncle''': Nah, crazy talk about demons and prisons. ''[Jade and Uncle suddenly realize]'' Aiya! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': ''[picking up Jackie's Chance Jackson mask]'' I ''liked'' you... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[taking a fan from an old woman]'' I'm sorry. I will bring this back. ''Thank you!'' ===''And He Does His Own Stunts'' [2.5]=== :'''Shendu''': ''[guiding Chow and Hak Foo who are carrying a large box]'' Ah ah, gently. Watch your step! Place it over to the left. :'''Valmont''': ''[regaining control]'' ...and into the incinerator! We could use some firewood. :'''Shendu''': Silence! With some sprucing, this fish heap will be worthy of housing a demon sorceror! :'''Valmont''': ''Ex''-demon sorceror. :'''Shendu''': I may be vanquished, but I am still in charge, Valmont. As you can well see. :'''Valmont''': This is ''my'' hideout, and my body, Shendu! :'''Shendu''': Which reminds me, I have a change of wardrobe in mind for us! :'''Valmont''': Huh?! You wouldn't dare! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Hollywood? I'm on my way, Captain Black. :'''Jade''': ''[surprises Jackie]'' Jackie, can I come with? ''Please???'' :'''Jackie''': Jade, the Dark Hand is there, no doubt searching for a demon portal. :'''Jade''': But Jackie, Raphaelo DiCapizio is getting his footprints in cement at the Chinese Theater this weekend! :'''Jackie''': ''Who-phealo DeCa-who-zio?'' :'''Jade''': Tch. ''Hello?'' Raphaelo DiCapizio is only the greatest movie star in the history of... history! :'''Uncle''': Ah, I guess you have never heard of [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]! :'''Tohru''': Aah, the Duke. "Saddle up, Pilgrim!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': I am ''so'' sorry I screamed, Jade. :'''Jade''': Yeah, uh, [[w:Frankenstein's monster|Frankenstein]] did look pretty life-like, T. Must be all that wax. :'''Tohru''': Uh, maybe we should bring back a souvenir for Uncle. ''[approaches the gift shop desk]'' Do you have any photos of John Wayne? ''[the girl looking at Tohru behind the desk, obviously intimidated by his size, holds up photos]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Aw, we're wandering anyway! I wanna see [[w:Clark Gable|Clark Gable's]] old house! :'''Finn''': [[w:Gone With the Wind (film)|Frankly Ratso, I don't give a darn!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[after a fight Jackie has with a puppet]'' :'''Director Nigel''': ''Cut!'' Who are you?! :'''Jackie''': This is a movie set? :'''Jade''': Awesome! Are you gonna put Jackie in your movie? :'''Nigel''': Oh sure! AFTER I HAVE HIM ARRESTED! :'''Larry Franklin''': Nigel, Nigel! Calm down! ''[shaking Jade's hand]'' Larry Franklin, producer of "Ninjas in the Hood"! ''[to Jackie]'' That was quite a display te way you ''[impersonating Jackie's fighting]'' Bam! And Bam, Bam, BAM! You have an agent? :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... :'''Jade''': That would be ''moi''. :'''Larry''': Bam bam! This town's getting younger everyday! :'''Jade''': Look, Lar! Jackie Chan here is going to be the next big action superstar, and ''you'' have the opportunity to get in on the ground floor! :'''Jackie''': ''Jaaade...'' :'''Jade''': Right, Jackie. Did I mention that he does all his own stunts? <hr width=50%/> :'''Security Guard''': Pass? :'''Jackie''': Yes, I would like to! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[jumping the Dark Hand, and taking the Pan'ku Box]'' Sorry, I can't bring it back, thank you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': Woodchuck chucks wood! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': As the thunder claps, so do I applaud your skill, brother! :'''Tchang Zu''': Shendu! You may call me, "Master"! :'''Shendu''': ...Of course...''master''! :'''Finn''': Ohh...Tssss.... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[his cell phone rings]'' Hello? Jade! Where are you? :'''Jade''': Duh...Chinese Theater? But so is the Thunder Demon, and he's packing serious voltage! :'''Jackie''': How do you do that-? Never mind! Jade, do nothing until I get there! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Uncle''': Jade ''never'' does nothing! :'''Jackie''': I know, but I feel I have to say it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[in a shop in Chinatown]'' One more thing! Powder of Komodo Dragon tooth. One more thing! Tincture of Tortoise Shell! One more thing! Castanets, the symbol of Tsao Kuo-Ch'iu. :'''Shopkeeper''': In Chinatown? <hr width=50%/> :'''Larry Franklin''': Who's the old guy? ''[referring to Uncle]'' :'''Jade''': Cranky co-star, occasional comedy relief. ===''Queen of the Shadowkhan'' [2.6]=== :'''The kids''': No way! :'''Girl''': Drew got a tattoo?! :'''Jade''': Hmmm...yeah. Been thinking I might get one of those. :'''Drew''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, yeah. Sure Jade. Like you're dig-in-the-dirt-with-tiny-brushes-Uncle Jackie would ''ever let you'' get a tattoo! :'''Jade''': ''[defensive]'' He would ''so'' let me, Drew! By tomorrow, I'm gonna have the gnarliest tattoo in the history of...''gnarl''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hey Jackie, how was your trip, have you lost weight, can I get a tattoo? :'''Jackie''': ''[chuckling]'' My trip was- ''A TATTOO?!'' :'''Jade''': ''Please'' Jackie? All the kids at school are- :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': But- :'''Jackie''': No! :'''Jade''': But- :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': But- :'''Jackie''': No tattoos for Jade. Period! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': I will put up with a lot, Shendu. But I draw the line at wearing a dress! :'''Shendu''': This is a sorcerer's robe! :'''Finn''': ''[laughing]'' Shen-dudet! ''[bows]'' :'''Ratso''': Pretty dress. :'''Chow''': Very becoming! :'''Shendu''': ''[annoyed]'' Where is my archive? :'''Ratso''': Uh, Chan's got it. :'''Chow''': But it wasn't our fault! :'''Finn''': Yeah, that's right! The Shadowkhan were there too! :'''Shendu''': The Shadowkhan are my puppets. They do only what ''I'' command! Are you suggesting that this is ''MY'' fault?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': Huh? :'''Jackie''': Why are you wearing snow boots? :'''Jade''': Heard it might snow? :'''Jackie''': Oh, it's 72 degrees out. ''[begins to remove one boot]'' :'''Jade''': AVALANCHE! ''[Jackie looks behind him, she places her now exposed foot in her backpack as he looks back at her]'' Heh, false alarm. :'''Jackie''': ''[turns her foot to reveal the tattoo she made]'' Jade, wash this off, right now! :'''Jade''': Err...tried that. :'''Jackie''': What? It's a ''real'' tattoo?! :'''Jade''': By accident! :'''Uncle''': ''[walks in]'' How can you get a tattoo by acci-''[sees the symbol on her foot and gasps in horror]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[after the Shadowkhan cream him in a fight; running away]'' Bunny flees from vicious jackals! AAH! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[in bandages]'' I am telling you, it was the Shadowkhan who did this to me! :'''Finn''': ''[the rest of the Dark Hand are also in bandages]'' Chan kicked our butts too! :'''Chow''': Yeah, you don't hear us lying about it. :'''Shendu''': Need I remind you, the Shadowkhan do only what I command? ''Come, minions!'' :''[a great spectacle happens as Shendu tries to summon the Shadowkhan, but none appear]'' :'''Shendu''': ...minions? :'''Valmont''': It would seem you have lost your touch, Shendu. :'''Shendu''': I HAVE NOT LOST MY TOUCH! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[in a disguise]'' Finn to Ratso, I'm in position. ''[knocks on Uncle's Shop door]'' :'''Uncle''': Too busy, come back later! :'''Finn''': ''[with an accent]'' But I am a ''vealthy'' art collector! :'''Uncle''': ''[opens door]'' Welcome to Uncle's Rare Finds! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[eyeing the Dark Hand, with the Shadowkhan behind her]'' Give 'em a spanking! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Shadowkhan are bowing before Jade, who's skin color is slightly a pale blue]'' :'''Jade''': See Jackie? Total control. They do what I tell them, and I only tell them to do good. So can I keep 'em? :'''Jackie''': No, Jade! :'''Jade''': Aw...why not? :'''Jackie''': Because you're turning blue! :'''Jade''': Blue's my favorite color. Besides, we gave Tohru a chance! :'''Jackie''': Tohru is human! Now, I want you to make them go away, until Uncle can find a- :'''Uncle''': Huh-cha! I have found a potion that will make Jade's tattoo vanish! :'''Jade''': But I like my tattoo! You can't do this to me! :'''Jackie''': It's for your own safety, Jade. :'''Uncle''': Now sit still, while I apply the potion. ''[leans to apply the potion, only to have the tattoo violently react]'' :'''Jade''': Do not touch me! I am, and shall remain, Queen of the Shadowkhan! ===''Shanghai Moon'' [2.7]=== :'''Hak Foo''': ''[as the Pan'ku Box reveals the next portal, out in Space]'' To find this portal, we must travel north. ''Very'' north. :'''Ratso''': Brrr...chilly. :'''Hak Foo''': ''Very'', very north. :'''Chow''': Okay, check the warranty on the box! We're like halfway to the moon! :'''Shendu''': Where did you ''think'' Tso Lan, the Moon Demon, would be found? <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Valmont and his cronies have been spotted in Florida, near Cape Canaveral. :'''Jackie''': I'm on my way. :'''Jade''': ''[suddenly appears]'' Hey! Going on a mission, Jackie? :'''Jackie''': Uh, no! It's not a mission, it's uh, a conference on Feng Shui! :'''Captain Black''': In Minnesota! :'''Jackie''': Want to come? :'''Jade''': Umm, I would Jackie, but you know I have that new science project to cook up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Uhh, don't we need like, astronaut training? :'''Shendu''': Climb aboard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[surprises Jackie]'' Hi Jackie! :'''Jackie''': Jade! :'''Jade''': ''[her space suit is draping over her]'' Check out the monkey-suit. Literally. :'''Jackie''': But, how did you- :'''Jade''': ''[holds up the Rabbit Talisman]'' Speed Talisman. Fastest way to get to...''Minnesota?'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': ''[taking over the Space Station Headquarters]'' This is a Level Seven override. My engineers will take it from here. :'''Space Station Supervisor''': ...okay. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Chan?! :'''Finn''': ''Everybody's'' an astronaut. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': [[w:Neil Armstrong|The eagle has landed]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Tso Lan, so good to see you. :'''Tso Lan''': Skip the pleasantries, Shendu. I am interested only in seizing control of the Moon's gravity, so that I may pull the ball from its orbit. :'''Jade''': But- But that'll wreck all of Earth's ecosystems! :'''Ratso''': How do ''you'' know? :'''Jade''': I watch the Science Network! ''[Ratso blows a raspberry at Jade]'' :'''Tso Lan''': The child is correct. And only then will Earth's landscape be to ''my'' liking. :'''Ratso''': Whoa! He wants to kabosh the planet! :'''Finn''': And you made us let him out?! :'''Shendu''': Just be glad you are up here. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie knocks the Dark Hand into the trash pod]'' :'''Valmont''': Shendu...I despise you. :'''Shendu''': I heard that! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tso Lan''': Behold, my mastery of gravity. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[after banishing Tso Lan]'' So long, Tso Lan. :'''Jade''': ''[jumping along the Moon's surface]'' My science project is gonna rock! ''[does the moon dance]'' ===''Armor of the Gods'' [2.8]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[as the spear he's using to fight Shadowkhan disintegrates]'' Heh...termites... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie! ''[Jackie jumps in surprise, dropping the armor he's carrying]'' You are too loud! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, you are the one who's yelling! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You dishonor the only known existing relic of the Eight Immortals! :'''Jackie''': Ye-eh-You caused me to drop it! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You dishonor your Uncle! :'''Jade''': ''[very sleepy]'' Hey Jackie... :'''Jackie''': Jade, what are you doing up? :'''Jade''': "Old Yeller" is keeping us all up. He hasn't slept in days! :'''Uncle''': Tohru! Where is my tea?! :'''Tohru''': ''[sleeping standing up and holding tea]'' Er, what? ''[falls asleep again, pouring tea on the floor]'' :'''Uncle''': Aiya! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, why won't you sleep? :'''Uncle''': Because, I have demons on the brain! I lay down, and all I hear is "Chi spell! Chi spell! Chi spell!" :'''Jackie''': Have you tried counting sheep? :'''Uncle''': Demons always eat them. :'''Jackie''': Well...thank you for watching Jade. ''[proceeds to leave]'' :'''Uncle''': Where are you going?! We must study the Immortal's Armor and discover what magic it holds! :'''Jackie''': ''Now?'' It is 3 AM Uncle. You should really try to sleep. ''[cell phone rings]'' :'''Uncle''': How can I sleep with all this noise?! :'''Jackie''': ''[answers phone]'' Yes? :'''Captain Black''': Jackie, we've spotted the Dark Hand. :'''Jackie''': I'm on my way! :'''Captain Black''': Care to know where you're going? :'''Jackie''': I don't care. Anywhere but here. :'''Captain Black''': Okay... :'''Jackie''': ....''[hangs up phone]'' Uncle, I'm off to Spain! I will call you for the Chi spell, once I find out what Demon we're dealing with. ''[begins to leave fast]'' :'''Uncle''': Take the armor, it could be of some use! :'''Jackie''': But you have to discover what magic it holds! :'''Uncle''': How can I do that if you take it with you?! <hr width=50%/> :''[in the streets of Spain]'' :'''Valmont''': Festive. :'''Ratso''': I'm telling you Pamplona's [[w:Running of the Bulls|famous for something]]. :'''Hak Foo''': It must be the [[w:paella|paella]]. :'''Ratso''': Ohh! The thing they hit with the stick until candy comes out? :'''Valmont''': That would be a piñata, Ratso. This is ''Spain'', not Mexico. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade is watching TV]'' :'''Uncle''': Jade! TV is too loud! :''[Jade turns down volume]'' :'''Uncle''': ''STILL'' too loud! :''[annoyed, turns off the TV]'' :'''Uncle''': I can hear the electricity in the wires! ''UNPLUG''! :'''Jade''': I wish there was a way to unplug Uncle... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jade! The books are laughing at me! :'''Jade''': ''[to herself]'' Not for long. ''[to Uncle]'' Tea, dear Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Yes. Ha-cha! ''[sits and takes a sip of the tea]'' BAGH! Jade! This tea tastes like it was brewed with beard of goat! ''[sips again]'' One more thing! It is bitter! One more thing! It is cold! ''One more thing!'' ''[falls asleep]'' :'''Jade''': ''[gasps; before making sure her sleeping spell worked]'' Ha-cha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Black. :'''Jackie''': Captain Black, I've been trying to reach you for hours! :'''Captain Black''': Sorry, Jackie, company softball game. Guess who hit a home run? :'''Jackie''': You did? Oh, congradula- no! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[lifting a boulder with the power of the armor after being crushed by it]'' Didn't feel a thing! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[upon finding a fissure]'' Earthquake? :'''Jade''': Earth ''Demon''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dai Gui''': Dai Gui does not like flowers! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Here comes my favorite part! ''[mouths Dai Gui's scream]'' :'''Dai Gui''': NO! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': How are you feeling, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Very well, thank you...except for the Demon screaming in my face! One more thing! I told you the armor was good armor! One more thing! You should never question Uncle! :'''Tohru''': You should have made Uncle's tea stronger. He is still cranky. :'''Jade''': I don't think there's enough tea in China to simmer Uncle down. But I'll take Mr. Sourpuss over Mr. Happypants any old day! ===''Tale of the Demon Tail/Demon in Di-Skies'' [2.9]=== :''[Shendu approaches the women's bathroom]'' :'''Ratso''': Whoa, boss! You can't go in where no man has gone before. :'''Shendu''': We are not going ''in'', fool! Hsi Wu the Sky Demon is coming ''out''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': I don't care if you ''are'' wearing a dress, Valmont. You are NOT going in the little girl's room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drew''': Hey, Jade, going to the spring dance Friday night? :'''Jade''': Eh, was thinking about it. :'''Drew''': Who are you gonna go with? A ''ninja''? Or do you only fight them? :''[children laugh]'' :'''Jade''': You're a riot, Drew. :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[disguised as Seymour]'' Hey, Drew, who are you gonna go with? Your ''mother''? :'''Drew''': No...I... ''[children laugh at Drew]'' :'''Kids''': Mama's boy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': This friend of Jade's is too polite. :'''Jackie''': Uncle, Jade finally has a friend her own age. This could keep her away from portals and demons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Seymour's loads more fun than any of the other kids at school! We like the same things, and he actually listens to me! We're like Yin and Yang, Yang and Yin. :'''Tohru''': Good and evil? :'''Jade''': Left and right; two halves of the same whole. Duh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seymour''': I smell a spell! :''[the tail flies towards him; he catches it]'' :'''Seymour''': ''Stee''-rike! :'''Jade''': You're-you're... :'''Seymour''': ''[changing into Hsi Wu]'' A demon? ''Still'' want to go the dance with me? :'''Jade''': Not! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hsi Wu''': What have you done to my tail, sly Uncle?! :'''Uncle''': Ancient proverb: None of your bees-wax! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade takes the Tiger Talisman]'' :'''Jade''': Fight fire with fire. Fight yin... with yang. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle, run! :'''Uncle''': ''[sitting on top of a water tower, looking around]'' Where to? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[after releasing Hsi Wu's tail]'' Tails. You lose. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Hsi Wu's banishment]'' :'''Jade''': So long... Seymour. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': You were right about the good and evil thing, T. :'''Tohru''': There will be other dances, Jade. :'''Jade''': Dance, schmance. I am so over Seymour! I just miss having someone around who listens. ''[pause]'' Someone... like ''you''! ''[gives Tohru her necklace]'' Yin and Yang. Big and small. You and me. ===''The New Atlantis'' [2.10]=== :'''Ratso''': ''[as Bai Tza is lreleased]'' Whoa. Fish out of water. :'''Bai Tza''': At last! Liberation! And now for some ''libation''...which will require moister climes than this! :'''Shendu''': Ah ah ah! Now that I have opened the last portal, sister Bai Tza, it is time to liberate me from my prison of flesh! :'''Bai Ta''': ''[grabs Shendu]'' You ''DARE'' request your freedom?! :'''Shendu''': Have I not earned it?! As promised, I have released all of our brothers and sisters! :'''Bai Tza''': How curious then, THAT SIX DEMON SORCERORS REMAIN TRAPPED IN THE VOID! I should obliderate you on their behalf! :'''Shendu''': I held my part of the bargain! You cannot blame me for the meddlings of Jackie Chan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Is it over? Am I free of Shendu?! :'''Finn''': Uhh, the mermaid said no deal, Big-V. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bai Tza''': Your spells may have quelled my siblings...but ''I'' am the slippery one! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[as Shendu grows new features on Valmont's body, such as green skin, scales, and a horn]'' Wearing the skirt is demeaning enough, Shendu, but ''this'' is over the line! :'''Shendu''': Do you think ''I'' am pleased with our union, Valmont?! If I am to remain in your pathetic body, I must at least make a few cosmetic improvements! Now hold still while I sprout our tail! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Good madame, free me of Shendu, I beg you. Look what he did to my head! ''[Bai Tza grabs him]'' :'''Bai Tza''': My answer to you, ''and'' my ''sniveling'' brother remains...no! ''[drops him]'' :'''Finn''': Ohh, ''nasty'' piranha! :'''Bai Tza''': You! :'''Finn''': Him? ''[indicating to Ratso, before he's grabbed]'' Heh, hey. You're a fish, I'm Finn! We're sympetico! :'''Bai Tza''': DIrect me to a suitable new empire! :'''Finn''': Uh, mi casa es su casa, your amphibiousness! :'''Bai Tza''': A ''FISH cannery''?! :'''Finn''': I see your point. Well, there's lots of nice places here in San Fran. And it's all by the water. :'''Chow''': Yeah! Great town! :'''Ratso''': Oh, except for the quakes. :'''Bai Tza''': ''Earth''quakes? :'''Finn''': Uh, that's right. The San Andreas Fault runs right through downtown. Better idea, you should move to the East Coast! :'''Bai Tza''': Very well, your San Fran shall be the cradle of my new undersea empire! :'''Ratso''': Uh, but isn't your new undersea empire supposed to be...you know... :'''Chow''': Undersea? :'''Bai Tza''': And so it shall be, once I sink this city! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Uh, can we be excused, Shendu? :'''Ratso''': Yeah, seeing as how we opened all the portals for you... :'''Chow''': You don't need us to carry old Pan'ku anymore. :'''Shendu''': Never seeing any of you ever again would make me a very happy dragon. :'''Ratso''': Say "Bye bye" to Valmont! ''[enforcers begin to leave]'' :'''Finn''': I hear Utah's nice this time of year! :'''Chow''': Anywhere but here! :'''Valmont''': Weren't you listening Shendu?! If we stay here, we will drown! :'''Shendu''': Not if we have gills! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Good evening. :'''Jackie''': What do you want?! :'''Valmont''': Shh! You will wake Shendu! :'''Jackie''': He's napping? :'''Valmont''': I rendered him unconscious, now please! You must help me! I want him exorcised! :'''Jade''': Tch. Like we're gonna help Shendu get in shape? <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Tea, sensei? :'''Uncle''': Thank you. :'''Valmont''': Oh jolly good, Tohru, I would love a spot. ''[Tohru growls at Valmont]'' Uh...right then... ''[sits back down]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Just like old times, eh Tohru? ''[Tohru growls at Valmont]'' I recommend you watch your back, Chan! Tohru turned coat on me, remember? :'''Tohru''': You forced me to fight a demon! :'''Valmont''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh ''yes''. That's ''completely'' different from what Chan has you doing! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[after Jade is discovered to have followed them]'' So this is why your niece is always with you, and here I just thought you were horribly irresponsible! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[to Valmont]'' If Jade does not remain safe, I will turn you inside out. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bai Tza''': Welcome to ''my'' world, Chan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Valmont''': I'm not sure who to root for! ''[Jade punches Valmont angrily]'' ...Go Jackie. :'''Jade''': Go Valmont. :'''Valmont''': And ruin my Italian shoes? :'''Jade''': And keep Shendu for a roomate? ===''The Eighth Door'' [2.11]=== :'''Bai Tza''': ''[as Uncle begins the Chi Spell]'' The Chi Wizard! ''[the Chi Spell launches and hits Bai Tza]'' NO! :'''Jade''': ''[filming from the front of the boat]'' Ooh! Fish fry! ''[she is suddenly caught in the crossfire of the Chi Spell, and lifted from the boat]'' Whoa! :'''Jackie''': Jade! :'''Jade''': ''[flying with the beam of the spell]'' ''JACKIE''! Whoa! :''[Bai Tza's portal opens sucking her inside, along with Jade; back at the boat, Uncle collapses in grief]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle! We have to get Jade! You have to reopen the portal! :'''Uncle''': ''[tosses his Chi equipment aside]'' The Chi Spell has sealed the portal, like it has sealed all the others...''forever''... ''[begins to cry]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[trying to start the boat]'' Hurry, Uncle! We must fly to Rome! :'''Uncle''': Jade is not in Rome, Jackie. She is trapped in the Demon Netherworld. :'''Tohru''': Oh why couldn't it have been me? :'''Jackie''': ''[grunts in frustration]'' There must be something we can do, Uncle! A counterspell! A ''stronger'' spell! SOME WAY TO- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': I cannot think with all your noise! ''[in deep thought]'' The ''Eighth'' Door! :'''Jackie''': Uncle? :'''Uncle''': We have permanently sealed seven portals belonging to seven Demon Sorcerors, but ''not'' the one belonging to Shendu! It is Jade's only hope of escape from the Demon Realm... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[filming the area around her]'' The Demon Netherworld, where Demon Sorcerors go when they've been bad. Where no human has gone before, until now. ''[breaking character]'' My ratings will be huge! ''[sigh]'' If I can find a way out of here... <hr width=50%/> :'''Bai Tza''': Now about the Eighth Door, Shendu, it is the portal of ''your'' banishment. Only you may pass through it. :'''Shendu''': That once was true Bai Tza, but now that I am a spirit, my portal is vacant, waiting to be filled by others. :'''Tso Lan''': You mean ''an''other. Only one may pass through each portal. :'''Xiao Fung''': That is the rule. :'''Shendu''': ...Do you think I have been dallying here?! ''[holds up a phone book]'' I have discovered a spell, uh which will keep the portal open until the last of you is free! In fact, I was just preparing to journey to it when you called. Hak Foo! Bring me- ''[the Pan'Ku Box is being lifted away by Jackie]'' ''THE PAN'KU BOX?!'' :'''Hak Foo''': Shark snatches bait! ''[leaps for the box]'' :'''Bai Tza''': What shark? :'''Xiao Fung''': What is he talking about? :'''Jade''': ''[whipsers brightfully]'' Jackie! :''[Jackie kicks Hak Foo into a gong]'' :'''Bai Tza''': Shendu, what is happening?! :'''Shendu''': Uhh, Hak Foo always sounds the gong as we take our leave. Which reminds me...''[begins to cover up the mirror]'' See you all at my portal! ''[covers the mirror]'' :'''Bai Tza''': Shendu! :'''Po Kong''': Can he be trusted? :'''Dai Gui''': Of course not! :'''Xiao Fung''': Yet we have no other options. :'''Tso Lan''': But all of eternity to punish him, should he again deceive us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': And we are on our way to China, why? :'''Shendu''': Chan has stolen the Pan'Ku Box. Clearly he wants to find my portal so he can seal it. :'''Valmont''': Now why would Chan go through all the trouble if he knows you don't need the portal to pass between the realms? :'''Shendu''': For good measure I suppose. Meanwhile, my brothers and sisters are expecting me to open my door and free them! :'''Hak Foo''': I brought your spellbook. ''[holds out the phonebook to Shendu]'' :'''Shendu''': ...''YOU BROUGHT THE '''PHONEBOOK''' YOU SIMPLETON!'' I was bluffing! ''[throws the book aside]'' :'''Valmont''': So there is no way to free ''all'' of them. :'''Shendu''': Of course there is! ...I...just...need to find it. That's all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[looking for her camera]'' Where's my camera? :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[holding the camera up]'' Oh ''Jade''...say "Chi Spell"! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade knows her puzzles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[flying to the other Demons with Jade]'' Brothers and sisters, I bring you the mortal called, Jade! ''[Jade gasps]'' :'''Po Kong''': Mmmm, yummy! :'''Jade''': Uhh, if you think you're all getting out, well I hate to break it to you, but Shendu's lying. ''[the Demons begin to murmur amongst themselves]'' Only one of you can go through the portal. End of story. :'''Dai Gui''': How do you know? :'''Jade''': Uncle told me. :'''Bai Tza''': The Chi Wizard! :'''Tso Lan''': So Shendu ''did'' deceive us. :'''Xiao Fung''': There's a surprise. :'''Jade''': So, uh, which one of you is it gonna be? :'''Xiao Fung''': Surely there must be a civil way to resolve this. :'''Tso Lan''': Like what? Alphabetical order? (Cut to the human realm briefly) :'''Uncle''': Jade awaits us :'''Jackie''': We must open the portal immediately [Shendu-possessed-Valmont appears atop moose world entrance] :'''Shendu possessing Valmont's body''': So that is why you wanted the box! Well, I assure you Chan.. The only thing emerging from my portal will be a demon! [Hak foo appears and fighting ensues between Hak Foo and Jackie/Tohru] :'''Hak Foo''': Gorilla Grip! (Hak Foo steals the pan'ku box from Jackie and flips into a car and drives off as Jackie attempts to run after the car.. though Jackie is unsuccessful at actually catching up to it) :'''Jackie''': [stops for breath and looks worried/depressed] Jade.... :'''Uncle''': Jackie! [Jackie turns towards uncle] There is more than one way to skin a cat! [throws Jackie a sword] And two ways to open a portal! [starts chanting and sword begins glowing] :'''Shendu possessing Valmont's body''': [cowers] Aahh! The symbol of the immortal who defeated me! :'''Jackie''': Sword slays dragon! [points and activates enchanted sword spell at Shendu/Valmont forcing Shendu out of Valmont's body and also forcing Shendu's portal open] (Due to Uncle's Chi spell, the portal activates at the Moose World entrance in Hong Kong.) (Meanwhile back in the demon realm: The portal opens; demons rush toward it in a frenzy.) :'''Bai Tza''': The portal! :'''Demons''': Every demon for himself! :'''Dai Gui''': Age before beauty. (Demons scramble and fight; Hsi Wu is pushed back. but eventually regains his lead) :'''Hsi Wu''': One goes through, that's the rule... [Hsi Wu sees Jade already sneakily got to the portal somehow] No! (Jade does a ultimate snub — a sarcastic "air kiss" or that's loaded with payback-style mockery and and escapes through the portal, shooting out on the human side and landing directly in Jackie's arms.) :'''Jade''': [mid-air] Whoa [lands in Jackie's arms] Did you miss me? :'''Jackie''': [sarcastic tone] Not at all. :'''Jade''': [while smiling contently] tch <hr width=50%/> :'''Dai Gui''': ''[after Shendu's portal closes]'' That, is number eight. :'''Tso Lan''': Which would make us fresh out of portals. :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[filming Shendu with Jade's camera]'' Say "Chi Spell"! :'''Shendu''': Perhaps we should seek a...tear in the Time-Space Continuum... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[gasps]'' Ooh! Can we, Jackie? :''[Jackie shakes his head "no".]'' :'''Jade''': Aw! ===''Demon World (Part 1)'' [2.12]=== :'''Jade''': ''[as her parents answer the door]'' Surprise! :'''Jade's Parents''': Jade! :'''Jade''': Mom! Dad! :'''Jackie''': Hope you don't mind us dropping in uninvited. :'''Jade's Father''': Cousin Jackie, it's so good to see you again! :'''Jade's Mother''': You have been such a wonderful role model for Jade. :'''Jackie''': Oh well, thank you- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': You take credit for ''my'' good influence?! :'''Jade's Parents''': Uncle! :'''Jade''': Tch. Is Uncle ''everyone's'' uncle? :'''Jade's Father''': He is actually our cousin... aren't you? ''[Jackie and Uncle look at each other in confusion]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shendu is being tortured by the other demons]'' :'''Shendu''': Stop! :'''Hsi Wu''': What is it now, Shendu? :'''Shendu''': Admittedly, I have failed you, my siblings. ''[is struck by lightning again]'' But I may yet save you as well! We can all regain our freedom, and even reclaim the centuries wasted in this void, if you allow me to pursue one last recourse. :'''Po Kong''': Humph! And that would be? :'''Shendu''': The Book of Ages. :''[The other demons gasp in shock]'' :'''Dai Gui''': Ludicrous! :'''Hsi Wu''': Even we never dared to tamper with that! :'''Bai Tza''': You risk altering the very fabric of reality! :'''Shendu''': Am I to assume ''this'' reality pleases you, sister? :'''Po Kong''': Hmm... These ''are'' desparate times. :'''Shendu''': Then I will make things right. All you need do is allow me to once more depart from this realm and possess a human. The ''right'' human. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jackie's body; writing in the Book of Ages]'' So it is written, so it shall be! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Shendu's alive?! I gotta tell... ''[looks to see Jackie, who has a long ponytail sweeping the streets]'' ...Jackie? ''[runs to him]'' What did you do to your hair? What are you doing? :'''Jackie''': ''[grunts in frustration]'' ''Your'' job! :'''Jade''': Sweeping dragon doo? :'''Jackie''': Where have you been, Jade? Where's your uniform? :'''Jade''': Um, why exactly do we have to wear uniforms? :'''Jackie''': Because it is required for all servants of the supreme ruler, his majestic highness, Lord Shendu. :'''Jade''': Are you telling me Shendu rules the world?! :'''Jackie''': Oh of course not! Each of the Eight Emperors has his or her own domain! :'''Jade''': Since when?! :'''Jackie''': Since the dawn of history! What is wrong with you today? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie? Jackie, where'd you- ''[Jackie grabs her]'' :'''Jackie''': Today, you must scrub master's bath chamber. ''[gives Jade a scrubbing brush]'' :'''Jade''': No way. ''[tosses brush away]'' :'''Jackie''': Then, fill his tub with fresh muck. ''[gives Jade a bucket of muck]'' :'''Jade''': Ew! ''[gags]'' :'''Jackie''': And it's talons day. So don't forget to trim master's toenails. ''[holding a large set of clippers]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie! Listen to me! I don't work for Shendu, and neither do you! Demons don't rule the world, humans do! The demons were banished into the Netherworld by the Eight Immortals a long time ago, then they got out and ''we'' banished them again, but Shendu possessed you, found this magic book, changed the past, and now none of that ever happened! :'''Jackie''': ...That's crazy, Jade. You're crazy! Humans ruling the world... <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': ''[as Jade approaches him on his throne]'' Why do you not bow?! :'''Jackie''': Oh, your scaliness! ''[bowing]'' Please excuse my slow-witted niece! ''[Shendu picks him up by his ponytail]'' :'''Shendu''': If she were ''not'' excused, she would be in flames! ''NOW FETCH MY DINNER!'' ''[drops him]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[bowing intensely]'' Yes master! :'''Jade''': ''[nervously]'' Jackie? :'''Jackie''': ''[holding a platter of grubs; clears throat]'' Tasty treats, for his glorious excellence! :'''Shendu''': ''[eating from the platter]'' What a good slave you make, Jackie Chan. :'''Jackie Chan''': My joy is to serve you, master! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Keeping one's enemies close is not just wise, it is gratifying. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[rushing out of the Throne Room; throws down the clippers]'' Gross! :'''Jackie''': You forgot master's clippings. :'''Jade''': Jackie, there is ''no way'' I'm ever going near his feet again! And Shendu treats you like a dog on a leash! I can't stand it! :'''Jackie''': Well what could I do? I'm just a food servant. His slave. :'''Jade''': The Jackie Chan I knew was nobody's whippping boy... he was a hero! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[catches Jade and Jackie in the library]'' Get out! :'''Jade''': Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Only master's library boy is allowed in here! :'''Jade''': Uncle, we need your help! We're looking for a book. :'''Uncle''': Forbidden! These books are filled with magic! Even I am not allowed to read them! :'''Jade''': The Book of Ages! :'''Uncle''': Never heard of it. :'''Jade''': Are you sure? ''[runs off]'' Maybe it's over here! :'''Uncle''': ''[chases her]'' No it is not! :'''Jade''': How about here? :'''Uncle''': Not there! :'''Jade''': Well maybe over here! :'''Uncle''': No. I have been library boy for 60 years! I am sure! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': If the book's not here in Shendu's library, there's only one other place it could be. Australia! :'''Uncle''': Aiya! No man's land! That continent is forbidden! :'''Jackie''': There is nothing there, Jade. Just a fortress! :'''Jade''': Tch. Fortresses are usually built to ''protect'' something, duh. :'''Uncle''': But it is said that all who approach the fortress will be destroyed. :'''Jade''': Well we have to get inside it somehow! :'''Uncle''': Why? :'''Jade''': Because Shendu used the Book of Ages to rewrite reality! :'''Uncle''': ''[scoffs]'' That is crazy. You do not believe her, do you? :'''Jackie''': ''[sighs]'' There is one thing that I believe. Demons ruling the world is a bad thing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[after his ponytail is sliced off]'' Ah! My hair! :'''Jade''': You were due for a trim. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[after Uncle performs a Chi Spell to vanquish the Shadowkhan]'' Uncle! You saved our- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': What choice did I have? You are family! :'''Jade''': ...A Chi Spell? Thought you weren't allowed to read the forbidden books! :'''Uncle''': I do not read, I...I skim. ===''Demon World (Part 2)'' [2.13]=== :'''Shendu''': ''[after shooting Jackie with fire; only to see that Jackie is unharmed]'' How can it be? ''[Jackie opens a palm to reveal the Dog Talisman]'' My Talisman! :'''Jackie''': I'm sorry, I'll give it back, thank you! :''[runs away, to be cornered, another Talisman activates in his hand, he barely hits Shendu and sends Shendu flying back into his bed]'' :'''Shendu''': ''[groans in pain]'' Ohhh... :'''Jackie''': How did I do that? :'''Uncle''': And why do you not catch fire? ''[Jackie reveals the Ox Talisman]'' :'''Jade''': Dog makes you immortal, Ox makes you super strong. What else we got? ''[reveals the Talismans]'' Speedy Rabbit, levitating Rooster, invisible Snake, and explosive Dragon. Oh...good ones! ''[Shendu recovers from the rubble of his bed]'' Maybe we better not try for the other half dozen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Centuries of history altered, your very memory erased, and ''still'' somehow you defy me! ''[holds up the seeking device]'' I shall find you, Chan. And I promise you, I shall erase more than your memory! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wrestler''': Ugh...finally we can remove these ridiculous masks. :'''El Toro Fuerte''': El Toro Fuerte ''never'' removes his mask. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hsi Wu''': What? No music while I bathe? Sing for me, my little caged songbird. :'''Viper''': .....Tweet. Tweet. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': ''[recovering the Ox Talisman]'' ''CHAN!'' :'''Dai Gui''': So he ''is'' behind this! :'''Tso Lan''': And things were going so well... :'''Bai Tza''': We were almost even beginning to ''like'' you, brother. :'''Shendu''': What do you mean? I was just coming to visit- :'''Dai Gui''': Hsi Wu? He has been banished to the Netherworld! :''[Shendu steps on the watch that Jade dropped]'' :'''Watch Chime''': ''[distorted]'' Hey-hey-hey-hey! I'm Marlon Moose! :'''Shendu''': Technology? The child! :'''Tso Lan''': She somehow escaped the historical alterations! :'''Bai Tza''': And if she knows the history that ''was''... :'''Shendu''': Then Chan now knows of the Book! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[joining Jackie]'' What's up Mr. Poutysnout? :'''Jackie''': ''[sigh]'' I do not belong with these heroes. The Ox made me strong. Without it, I'm- :'''Jade''': Hello? The Talismans never made Jackie Chan a hero, you didn't even like to use them! Courage, brains, and heart are your secret weapons, and you've already got those! All you need is proper training! ''[stands him up]'' Jackie, I can teach you what you taught me. You game? :'''Jackie''': ...Game. :'''Jade''': Cool! First lesson. The ancient art of butt-whoop starts with breathing. The breath flows to the fingertips, then down to the toes... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Let's make history. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dai Gui''': Shendu, and his ''accursed'' Talismans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tso Lan''': Behold! My mastery of Gravity ''[fires an attack at El Toro, who levitates up using the Rooster Talisman]'' :'''El Toro Fuerte''': Behold! My mastery of...eh...''pollo''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[blocking Shendu's heat beams]'' Jackie, help Uncle search! Stop fooling! :'''Jackie''': ''Fooling?!'' ''[shows Uncle's Dog Talisman]'' I'm not immortal! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Get away from the Book! Surrender, your team has been neutralized! :'''Jade''': Big whoop. ''[runs to the Book of Ages]'' If I can't find Shendu's changes, I'll make some of my own! ''[begins writing]'' "...and then Jackie grew twenty feet tall." :''[Jackie Chan suddenly grows twenty feet]'' :'''Paco''': Now Jackie ''is'' the greatest! :'''Shendu''': ''YOU!'' ''[charges Jade]'' :'''Jackie''': Shendu! ''[leaps and kicks Shendu to the ground]'' :'''Dai Gui''': The girl! :'''Jade''': ''[writing more]'' ...Here comes...Super Tohru. ''[Tohru is transformed into a flying strong superhero, and tosses Dai Gui aside; Jade continues writing]'' Say hello, to Robo-Viper. ''[Viper is transformed into a mechanical robot warrior]'' :'''Viper''': Like nuking fish in a barrel. ''[blasts Bai Tza]'' :'''Paco''': ''[takes the brush from Jade]'' My turn! ''[writes and grows El Toro bigger]'' :'''Jade''': Hey! No fair! :'''Paco''': Now El Toro is the greatest! :'''Jade''': ''[takes the brush back]'' Jackie is! :''[they fight over the brush, causing El Toro and Jackie to grow bit by bit]'' :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Jade''': No, Jackie! :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Jade''' Jackie! :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Uncle''': You want to defeat the demons? Yes? Then write that Uncle banishes the Demons already! :'''Jade and Paco''': Duh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Bad day...for demons! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade's Parents''': Jade! :'''Jade''': Mom! Dad! :'''Jade's Mother''': Cousin Jackie! :'''Jade's Father''': Uncle! :'''Jade's Mother''': What brings you to Hong Kong? :'''Tohru''': Hong Kong Moose World! ''[winks at Jade who winks back]'' :'''Jade''': Uh, look at the watch Jackie got me! :'''Paco''': Moose World? Can I go too? :'''El Toro Fuerte''': What mooses? We were fighting Demo- ''[is elbowed by Viper]'' :'''Viper''': Uhhh traffic! We were fighting Hong Kong traffic to visit you. :'''Jade''': So I could show you how much I've learned in America. :'''Jade's Mother''': We know you have been doing very well there, Jade. :'''Jade's Father''': No doubt due to Cousin Jackie's excellent training. :'''Jackie''': In all honesty, it is ''Jade'' who sometimes trains me... ===''The Mother of All Battles'' [2.14]=== :'''Jade''': You've been acting all weird lately. ''[Tohru groans]'' C'mon, you can tell me! It's Uncle, right? That garlic smell? :'''Tohru''': It's my mother... :'''Jade''': What? Is she sick, or- ...You have a mom? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': What's so yuck about a visit from your mom? :'''Tohru''': ''[sigh]'' I am the black sheep. All I have ever wanted was for my mother to be proud of me. :'''Jade''': Well, she will be! Look at you! You're handsome, and big, you've got a...you're big! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mama Tohru''': ''[upon seeing the antique store]'' This where you live?! Ugh...you gave up good job with nice Mr. Valmont for ''this?!'' :'''Jade''': ''Nice''? Hello, doesn't she know that Valmont's a crook? :'''Tohru''': No...and ''please'' do not tell her. :'''Mama Tohru''': Aah, my son. A servant in a junk shop! :'''Uncle''': ''Junk'' shop?! :'''Jade''': This is an antique store. :'''Mama Tohru''': Hah! Only antique I see is the billy goat there! ''[referring to Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': Billy goat?! :'''Tohru''': Mommy! :'''Mama Tohru''': Hushup! :'''Uncle''': Dragon lady should watch her forked tongue unless she wants a piece of Uncle! :'''Mama Tohru''': Hah! I would sweep floor with you! And this floor needs it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[answers his phone]'' Hello? :'''Captain Black''': Hope I didn't catch you in the middle of anything, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Uh, Uncle and Tohru's mom are getting acquainted. :'''Captain Black''': Ah, family time. :'''Mama Tohru''': ''[holding a vase]'' Cheap junk! :'''Uncle''': ''[takes vase away]'' Xing Dynasty! :'''Captain Black''': Could be trouble brewing on the horizon. :'''Jackie''': Believe me, I know. :'''Captain Black''': The Octopus will be on exhibit at the Japanese Expo. I'd feel better if you were there to assist with security. :'''Jackie''': Uh, you want me to guard a fish? :'''Captain Black''': Actually, octopuses aren't fish, they're multipods. :'''Jackie''': Octopi...''[as Uncle and Mama Tohru continue to bicker]'' Please, behave! :'''Captain Black''': Sorry, Grammar was never my best subject in school... :'''Jackie''': Oh, you mean the Kyoto Octopus! It is the most famous relic of the Komodo Dynasty. :'''Captain Black''': Intelligence sources that the Yokanawa Crime Family has the octopus in its sights. :'''Mama Tohru''': Huh! Why don't you get some light in here? :'''Uncle''': Thought bats could see in the dark. :'''Jackie''': ''[to Uncle and Mama Tohru]'' This must stop! :'''Captain Black''': My thinking exactly. I'll set it up. Thanks for your help, Jackie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Does it have fish? :'''Restaurant Keeper''': This is a ''sushi'' restaurant. ''Everything'' has fish. :'''Tohru''': ...I hate fish... <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Grape is my favorite. <hr width=50%/> :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': You made a wise choice, Tohru. :'''Tohru''': What do I do? :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': Nothing fancy. You cruise into the expo, create a diversion, meanwhile my boys make an endrun, and nab the octopus. One tiny problem. Word is, you double-crossed your old boss, Valmont. That you're a rat. :'''Tohru''': I am no rat! :'''Yokanawa Thug 1''': Prove it! :'''Tohru''': I have information. :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': Yeah? :'''Tohru''': Um, Jackie Chan will be working security at the expo. :'''Yokanawa Thug 2''': I heard of him. They say he's unbeatable. :'''Tohru''': ''[crushes a desk]'' ''Nobody'' is unbeatable. :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': I trust you'll take care of this Jackie Chan personally, Tohru. ...And I mean, permanently. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade rides into the expo on a scooter]'' :'''Jackie''': Jade, how did you get in here? :'''Jade''': Security's lousy. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Uncle and Mama Tohru enter the backroom]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle! :'''Tohru''': Mommy! :'''Yokanawa Thug 1''': Hey! I said "front door" and to come alone! :'''Uncle''': I told her! ''[to Mama Tohru]'' See?! I told you! :'''Mama Tohru''': Nyah! Would have lost your way! Near-sighted mule can barely see hook nose in front of his face! :'''Uncle''': Eyesight good enough to see the hair growing out of that mole! :'''Mama Tohru''': That is a beauty mark! :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': Quit the squabbling, and put the fish on the table! :'''Yokanawa Thug 1''': Uhh, boss, technically an octopus is a member of the multipod family, and- ''[is given a look by his boss]'' Put the fish on the table! ===''Danger in the Deep Freeze'' [2.15]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[examining the frozen humanoid]'' Look at his expression. I wonder what was going through his mind. :'''Jade''': ...Look out behind you. :'''Jackie''': Yes! Perhaps! :'''Jade''': No, I mean look out behind you! ''[Jackie turns to see armed inuits]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[showing the frozen humanoid a magazine]'' ...And this is a tree. They had those back in your day too, just not locally. And these are snow tires! <hr width=50%/> :'''Inuit Elder''': ''[catching Jackie]'' Need to work on your sneaking around. Inuits can hear footsteps in snow a mile away. :'''Uncle''': That so? :'''Jackie''': Uncle, Jade! I told you to- ''[Elder beckons at him with a spear]'' We are not armed! :'''Jade''': But that doesn't mean we won't go polar on your butt if you don't hand over Dwayne! :'''Jackie''': Jade, please. She means the prehistoric cave creature. :'''Inuit Elder''': No such creature here. :'''Uncle''': Oh, so maybe your sister has big feet? ''[indicating the creature's large footprint in the snow]'' :'''Inuit Elder''': ''[defensive]'' My sister has tiny feet! She is delicate like a bird! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': He's no Shaman! That is Peter Bailey, a black marketeer! He steals artifacts and sells them to the highest bidder! :'''Inuit Elder''': But the Shaman has great powers! He can speak to other shamans across the sea through a magical black box! :'''Jade''': ''[retrieves cell phone from Jackie's pocket]'' You mean like this? It's called a cell phone, hello? Everybody's got one back where we come from, except for me! ''[calls the Antique Store]'' :'''Uncle's Voicemail''': Uncle's Antique! Not here! Call back! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': You fish? :'''Inuit Elder''': What do you think? I go to a drive through burger place? <hr width=50%/> :'''Inuit Elder''': ''[in a challenge of Ice Fishing with Uncle, holding up his bait]'' My secret. :'''Uncle''': Anchovy? Bah! That's nothing but minnows. :'''Inuit Elder''': What do you fish with, worms? :'''Uncle''': ''[holds up a roll of beans]'' Mung beans wrapped in tea leaves. Fish take a number to get on hook! :'''Inuit Elder''': Ehhh, big talk no action. ''[the drop their lines into the water, and almost immediately get a bite]'' See? I got something! :'''Uncle''': So does Uncle! Big something! :''[both withdraw their tangled lines, with no fish, Uncle's bait is gone]'' :'''Uncle''': Hah! See? My bait gone, yours still on hook! :'''Inuit Elder''': So what? :'''Uncle''': So fish we lost was ''mine''! :'''Inuit Elder''': No that was my fish! :'''Uncle''': My fish! :'''Inuit Elder''': You're a liar! :'''Uncle''': My fish! :'''Inuit Elder''': You cheated! ===''Into the Mouth of Evil'' [2.16]=== :'''Dr. Weber''': ''[examining Jackie's mouth]'' Well, I'm afraid you're gonna need a complete jaw transplant, Mr. Chan. :'''Jackie''': Huh?! :'''Dr. Weber''': ''[laughing]'' Just kidding! You simply have a displaced filling, we'll have you fixed up in no time. Lisa, prepare a shot of novocaine please. :'''Jackie''': Uh... I don't like needles. :'''Dr. Weber''': Oh, well I could drill ''without'' numbing you. ''[brandishes a dental drill]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay... numb me, please. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': His mouth's still numb from the dentist. He said, "If the school sends any homework, it's a mistake. Just toss it." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mohajah''': I must move closer. Read his mind... :'''Jackie''': ''[numb speaking]'' Here is your ticket, Jade. :'''Jade''': It's so cool you're taking me along on this once in a lifetime educational experience, Uncle Jackie! :''[Mohajah reads her mind]'' :'''Jade's Mind''': Three whole days, no school! Yes! :'''Jackie''': ''[numb speaking; hugging Uncle]'' I'll miss you Uncle. :''[Mohajah reads his mind]'' :'''Jackie's Mind''': I'll miss you Uncle. :'''Jackie''': ''[numb speaking]'' And don't worry, I won't forget the curry powder. :'''Uncle''': You are a good nephew. :''[Mohajah reads his mind]'' :'''Uncle's Mind''' Jackie will forget. He ''always'' forgets! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[seeing Jackie with Martindale; whispers]'' Go, Jackie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, return to the hotel room! ''[runs off]'' :'''Jade''': Didn't say, "Please". <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[stealing a scooter]'' Sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie is thrown into a market booth; his cellphone rings]'' :'''Jackie''': Hello? :'''Uncle''': Ah, Jackie! Do not forget curry powder! :'''Jackie''': Okay Uncle, I took care of it. Have to go, bye! ''[Leaps up; to shopkeeper]'' Sorry about your shop, send me a bill, thank you! ''[Runs off]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[waking up tied to a chair]'' Jumba? Ms. Martindale? Dr. Weber? I don't understand! :'''Jumba''': Oh you will in a moment. :'''Portia''': A little novocaine to ease the pain? :'''Dr. Weber''': ''[brandishing his dental drill]'' Don't bother, Portia. Mr. Chan hates needles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jumba''' I suppose we owe you an explanation, Jackie. You've heard of the Sutras of Raktajiba, yes? :'''Jackie''': Only at your museum. You said they were just a legend. :'''Jumba''': I lied. You see, the Sutras do very much exist. ''[Holds Jackie's filling up under a magnifying glass, revealing inscriptions]'' :'''Jackie''': In my filling! :'''Jumba''': Magnificent, are they not? A 3000 word incantation, painstakingly inscribed by skilled sorcerers onto a piece of silver no larger than a grain of basmati rice. :'''Portia''': Legend foretells that when the Sutras are returned to the Ganges, the river will dry up. :'''Jackie''': That would be- So, those thieves who have been after me, you've been trying to stop them! :'''Jumba''': Well, no. Actually, they've been trying to stop ''us''. They are not truly thieves, you see. They are Disciples of Mohajah. :'''Jackie''': Who? :'''Portia''': Oh, a do-gooder-mystic. A psychic. Claims his mission is to protect India from evil magic. :'''Jumba''': Mohajah suspected I was in possession of the Sutras, and planning to transport them here to India. :'''Dr. Weber''': But none of us could carry the Sutras without the Mohajah knowing it; that mind reading power of his... real nuisance. :'''Jackie''': So you had to find a courier who did not know he was carrying the Sutras. Me. :'''Portia''': We so appreciate your help, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': But that means you want to dry up the Ganges River! Why? :'''Jumba''': Have you no sense of vision man? Do you not realize what treasures lie on the riverbed? Centuries worth of artifacts; silver, gold, riches beyond measure, there for the taking! :'''Jackie''': Millions of people depend upon the river for farming, and travel, and- Lives will be destroyed! :'''Portia''': Our Jackie's a bit of a sentimentalist. So sweet! But really, one must have priorities. We're talking about the archaeological event of the millennium. If a few people must be inconvenienced... ''[shrug]'' :'''Jackie''': You are bad people! All of you! :'''Jumba''': Yes, soon to be very rich people! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hyah! Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt! :'''Jackie''': Jade?! I told you to go back to the hotel room! :'''Jade''': Lost my key. Okay, now. Let the Chan Man go. :'''Portia''': Dr. Weber, give the child a lollipop. :'''Jade''': Don't sucker me, sucker! ===''Lost City of the Muntabs'' [2.17]=== :'''Jackie''': I cannot believe I'm stuck in the jungle with such a spoiled brat. :'''Jade''': You ''invited'' me! :'''Jackie''': I was talking about him. ''[beckons to Smith]'' Mr. Smith, please. We must stay together. There are many dangers in the bush! :'''Smith''': Yes, yes, so you keep saying. ''[to his butler]'' Hop to it, Larsen. :'''Jade''': Why don't we ditch Frik and Frak and have some real fun? Go swinging with the monkeys, or wrestle a crocodile! Whaddya say, Big J? :'''Jackie''': I'm sorry Jade, but you must learn that growing up sometimes means having to do things that are not fun. :'''Jade''': Pfft. Like guiding obnoxious jerks through the jungle just because they give lots of money to the museum? :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... yes. :'''Jade''': In that case, I never wanna grow up. ''[eyes widen]'' What am I saying? I can't wait to grow up! Get my own car, cellphone- which now that you mention it- :'''Jackie''': I ''didn't'' mention it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Smith''': ''[holding the Chalice of Life]'' Everything I've ever hoped for, Larsen! Right here, right now! Eternal youth; eternal life! :'''Larsen''': Perhaps you would like me to sample it first, sir? To make sure it's safe? :'''Smith''': Uh, no that won't be necessary. Oh you don't think I'd leave you out of this, old friend? After all your years of faithful service? :'''Larsen''': Well, I had hoped- :'''Smith''': Larsen, I want you by my side to serve me forever! :'''Larsen''': Oh ''goodie''... ===''The Lotus Temple'' [2.18]=== :'''Jade''': I'm in the woods, I'm tired, cold, and hungry. And I'm being hunted! ''[shines flashlight on Jackie]'' Ah! :'''Jackie''': Jade, I thought you were going to gather firewood. :'''Jade''': Hello?! Have you learned ''nothing'' from the movies? Whoever gets the firewood is always the creeping terror's first victim. :'''Jackie''': So ''that's'' what happened to the other little girl I sent for firewood. :'''Jade''': Very funny. <hr width=50%/> :'''Monk''': Perhaps the little monkey is closer than you think. ''[shows Jackie Chan the Lotus Temple]'' :'''Jackie''': The Lotus Temple! Are you coming? :'''Monk''': I will wait here. I would not want to... ''intrude''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Monk''': Ancient wisdom; the worm realizes he's bait, only after the fish bites. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Uncle Jackie, the sun's coming up! :'''Jackie''': Good. :'''Jade''': You don't understand! The temple vanishes at dawn, and anyone inside goes with it! :'''Jackie''': How many crazy rules does this temple have?! ===''The Curse of El Chupacabra'' [2.19]=== :'''Jackie''': Incredible. :'''Jade''': Incredibly boring. What kind of lame pyramid is this? No mummy curses, no booby traps, no bonus points. :'''Jackie''': This is not a video game, Jade. This is important research. <hr width=50%/> :'''Villager''': It is just as we told El Toro! The Chupacabra attacked our house! :'''Jackie''': And what exactly did the creature look like? :'''Villager Child''': It was giant with glowing red eyes, four fangs, oh claws too, and it howled like this: Arooooo! :'''Jade''': Yup. Sounds like a chimichanga to me. <hr width=50%/> :'''El Toro''': Fear not. The beast is no match against El Toro, the Bull! :'''Jackie''': And El Jackie, th- ...the Chan! <hr width=50%/> :''[Uncle kicks door open]'' :'''Uncle''': The flight was delayed, the food was terrible, the movie had no plot, and I had turbulence! ===''Showdown in the Old West'' [2.20]=== :'''Uncle''': Ghost? :'''Jade''': Kinda. ''[looking at an old book depicting one of Jackie's ancestors]'' The ghost of Jackie. :'''Jackie''': ''[picking up the book]'' "The Hong Kong Kid". :'''Uncle''': Aiya! Do not scare Uncle like that! :'''Jackie''': Amazing! The picture looks just like me! This book must be about my great-great grandfather! :'''Uncle''': Fine, take home. Make good bedtime story. :'''Jade''': I want to hear it now. :'''Jackie''': Me too! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hong Kong Kid (Jackie)''': Uh, howdy partners. :'''Cowboy Thug''': Well looky here boys. We got us a railroad worker. :'''Large Thug''': Railroad workers ain't allowed in this here establishment, ain't that right, Moreen? :'''Moreen''': I don't want no trouble here! :'''Hong Kong Kid''': Oh, no trouble ma'am. I would just like a ginger ale, with lots of ice please. Very thirsty. I've been working on the railroad... ''[the thugs sit next to him]'' Uh... all the live long day? <hr width=50/> :''[a very well dressed, well behaved young woman arrives via stagecoach]'' :'''Niece (Jade)''': Uncle Jackie? :'''Hong Kong Kid''': Uh, I am Jackie. :'''Niece (Jade)''': I am your niece. Just arrived from Hong Kong. :''[outside the story]'' :'''Jade''': This is ''so'' cool! She's my long lost, great-great something or other! I bet you she looked exactly like me. :'''Jackie''': Uh, actually it says here that the Sheriff's niece was very tall, and fifteen years old. :'''Jade''': Must be a type-o. :''[the well dressed niece is replaced by a younger, rowdy looking niece resembling Jade]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': I grow impatient, Valmont! I trust your men were able to pull off a simple robbery? :'''Mayor Valmont''': Rest assured, Shendu. My boys will be rendezvousing with us momentarily. ''[Finn and Ratso walk into the cave]'' You see? :'''Outlaw Ratso''': Uh, ran into a little trouble. :'''Outlaw Finn''': That sheriff you hired. :'''Mayor Valmont''': You didn't get the gold?! :'''Shendu''': Fools! :'''Outlaw Finn''': Hey, hold on Shen-dude! Ain't exactly like we came back empty-handed! ''[Ratso clicks, and a horse enters the cave]'' Got the horse off the stagecoach just like you asked. :'''Shendu''': I didn't want the ''horse'', I wanted the Horse ''TALISMAN!'' :'''Outlaw Ratso''': Oh... uh, what's a talisman? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peddler (Uncle)''': Who will be the first to try my Shanghai Surprise Elixer? Very powerful, good for digestion! :'''Niece (Jade)''': Hi, remember me? :'''Peddler (Uncle)''': Ah, girl from Hong Kong. Look different. Thought you were fifteen, and taller. :'''Niece (Jade)''': It was a ''type-o!'' ===''Origami'' [2.21]=== :'''Inspector''': You claim a fold-up man stole ze painting, slipped between ze bars, transformed into a bird, and flew away? :'''Jackie''': I'll show you. ''[takes a page of the inspector's notes, begins folding the paper]'' He bent like this, folded like that, twisted over, then again, then he looked just like this! ''[opens his hand to reveal a crumpled ball]'' Uh, but more bird shaped. :'''Inspector''': Monsieur Chan, I will thank you not to destroy my notes, si vous plait! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hi Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Jade! You're supposed to be taking a tour of Paris. :'''Jade'''. Tch. You've obviously never been on the tour bus with Uncle. :''[flashback to the tour bus]'' :'''Uncle''': You drive too fast! How can Uncle see the sights?! Slow down! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': That was useless! I already knew the thief could fold up. :'''Jade''': Yeah, but now we also know that he steals the finest Far East Art. :'''Viper''': Hey, the kid's a good listener. :'''Jackie''': How come you never listen to the things ''I'' say? For example, "Stay with Uncle"? :'''Jade''': Aw man... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Scissors beats paper! ===''Agent Tag'' [2.22]=== :'''Captain Black''': Gentlemen, we have an emergency. Criminal Mastermind Dr. Ashby Necrosis is back. :'''Agent''': Dr. Necrosis? The Kingpin of Techno-crime? :'''Captain Black''': The same. Reports are that he has developed a cutting edge high tech doomsday device. The entire world is in jeopardy. We've located what we believe to be the Doctor's base, the Necropolis, inside this dormant volcano. Someone must infiltrate the Necropolis and destroy the Doomsday weapon. :'''Agent''': I suggest Taggart McStone. :'''Captain Black''': Unfortunately, Agent Tag retired last year. He left the spy game forever. :''[the agent peels off a mask to reveal he's actually Agent Tag]'' :'''Agent Tag''': Never say forever. :'''Captain Black''': Agent Tag! :'''Agent Tag''': I'll require the standard infiltration package, my briefcase, and a fresh suit. Italian, of course. :'''Captain Black''': Of course. <hr width=50%/> :'''Agent Tag''': Who are you? Why are you following me? :'''Jade''': Uhhh, Captain Black sent me! :'''Agent Tag''': Hmmm, a little girl with dark hair who tags along and is an obvious liar. I've heard of you! You're Jade! Section 13 has classified you as the ultimate security risk! You've jeopardized my mission! :'''Jade''': Whoa. You need to calm down, Captain Blood Pressure. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Necrosis''': Hoyle, I have deduced the identity of our intruder; Taggart McStone. :'''Hoyle''': ''[playing with a deck of cards]'' That wild card's still in the game? But I thought he folded last year. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': There is no one else it could be. He is the only human capable of infiltrating my Necropolis! Oh how I long to meet my nemesis face to face. You won't ruin his face, will you? :'''Hoyle''': ''[throws a playing card at a vase, slicing it in half]'' No promises. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': For years, he has foiled all my techno-plans, but this time, we have the Druid Stone, and even Agent Tag cannot defeat its ancient magic! The world is ours! :'''Hoyle''': ''[playing more with his cards]'' We hold all the cards! We have the upper hand! We- :'''Dr. Necrosis''': We could take it down a notch with the card puns. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hoyle''': ''[holding his playing cards]'' All ''hands'' on ''deck'', Agent Tag! :'''Jackie''': ''[kicks him over]'' I am not Agent Tag! :'''Hoyle''': Don't try to ''bluff'' me, it doesn't ''suit'' you! ''[throws more cards at Jackie, and traps him in a vortex of cards]'' Druid Stone is secure, and inform the good doctor that we have a bonus jackpot onboard. A certain joker who claims he ''isn't'' Agent Tag. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Necrosis''': You are not what I expected, Agent Tag. Although your disguise as a buffoon was most convincing. :'''Jackie''': ''[secured to a table]'' But I am not Agent Tag. I am Jackie Chan, a researcher. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': Of course if you were Agent Tag, you would deny it emphatically. :'''Jackie''': No, I would claim to be Agent Tag, assuming you would not believe me. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': But I would anticipate your assumption that I would not believe you! :'''Jackie''': I would foresee your anticipating my assumption of your not believing! :'''Dr. Necrosis''': But how could you predict I wouldn't expect your forseeing my anticipation of your assuming my not believing? Ha! Answer me that. :'''Jackie''': I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID! :'''Dr. Necrosis''': Precisely what I expected you to say... Agent Tag. <hr width=50%/> :'''Agent Tag''': And that's how I reached Arecibo in time to rescue the Chans. :'''Captain Black''': That's why you're our top agent, Tag. :'''Jade''': ''[growls]'' "Rescue the Chans"? ''We'' did all the hard stuff! :'''Jackie''': It's alright, Jade. Let it go. :'''Agent Tag''': Now if I can finish my crossword, this day will truly be a success. Six letters, Celtic Pig Goddess... :'''Jackie''': ''[falling asleep]'' [[w:Moccus|Moccas]]. M-O-C-C-A-S. :'''Agent Tag''': Mr. Chan, you're a genius! :'''Jade''': Nope. Just a researcher. ===''The Return of the Pussycat'' [2.23]=== :'''Jackie''': Is it Halloween already? :'''Jade''': ''[dressed as Mr. Hyde]'' You forgot, didn't you? Tonight's the school play! I'm Dr. Jekyell and Mr. Hyde, it's my big debut! :'''Jackie''': Ohhhhh, I am sorry, Jade. But the university asked Uncle and me to explore the subterranean city underneath the streets. :'''Jade''': Uh-huh... :'''Jackie''': No, it's true! A recent tremor has opened a passageway to parts of San Francisco which have been buried since the [[w:1906 San Francisco earthquake|1906 earthquake]]. Another tremor may collapse the passageway at any moment. So there's not much time. :'''Jade''': But... my play... :'''Jackie''': I am sorry. I would rather see your play, but I have to do this now, and I cannot be in two places at the same time. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': I am very disappointed in you, Jade. You know that playing with magic is a no-no! :'''Jackie-Dark''': A ''no-no???'' ''[mockingly]'' Oh no, say it ain't so! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': "Our journey"? Uncle's going underground too? Isn't ''anyone'' gonna come see me be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?! :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[bursts from the closet]'' I WOULD LOVE TO! Oh the theatre, the theatre! :'''Jade''': Uh-uh. No way am I showing up at school with him. :'''Jackie-Dark''': I know exactly how you feel. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': Yoo-hoo! Mr. Spring Heel Jack? Excuse me! I must ask you to return to the museum. :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Simon Magus tried to stop me, he gave me quite a run. But I shall dine on his descendants; one by one by one! ''[jumps over and grabs both Jackie-Light and Uncle]'' Are you helping Magus? A relative perhaps? No, I guess the two of you are just a pair of saps. <hr width=50%/> :'''Simone Magus''': And so, Dr. Jekyll believed that he could separate the good from the evil in man. :'''Jade''': Nice read, Simone. ''[playing Dr. Jekyll]'' With this potion, I will prove my scientific theories to the world! But what if I'm wrong? Heavens! The results could be disastrous! :'''Jackie-Dark''': ''[from the audience]'' Come on, Doc! Pick up the pace! Turn into Mr. Hyde, and terrorize the town already! :'''Jade''': You think you could do better? :'''Jackie-Dark''': Don't mind if I do! ''[leaps up on stage, takes the potion from Jade and drinks it, gagging a bit]'' This tastes terrible. :'''Jade''': Maybe I shouldn't have brought the Tiger. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Magus, Magus, wherever you are, Spring Heel Jack will not be far! <hr width=50%/> :''[crowd is laughing derisively]'' :'''Simone Magus''': Uhhh Dr. Jekyll wanted to be good, but he soon lost control of himself to his evil side, uh Mr. Hyde. :'''Jackie-Dark''': ''[overacting]'' This potion is ''wonderful!'' Evil Hyde is much cooler than old goody goody Jekyll! ''HA HA HA!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Two Jackies equals one big headache! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Your head, it must be very thick, if you think I'll fall for just one kick. :'''Jackie-Dark''': Catchy. ''[pops neck; attempts to drop- kick Spring Heel Jack, only to miss and fall into the bay]'' :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[tapping Spring Heel Jack's shoulder]'' Excuse me, Mr. Spring Heel Jack? Why don't we sit down and talk about this like gentlemen? :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Back so soon? How can it be? Your clothes aren't even watery. :''[Jackie-Light and Spring Heel Jack briefly fight]'' :'''Jackie-Light''': Do you enjoy being a meanie?! :'''Spring Heel Jack''': I confess. YES! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Tiger Talisman splits Spring Heel Jack into his Yin and Yang personalities]'' :'''Spring Heel Jack-Light''': ''[to Simone Magus]'' I hope we didn't frighten you by acting so ferocious. Please forgive my other self, his manners are atrocious. :'''Spring Heel Jack-Dark''': This child must be made to pay for what Magus did that fateful day! :'''Spring Heel Jack-Light''': Your sweet revenge has just been soured. I will not let her be devoured! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spring Heel Jack''': ''[bound by curtains]'' A curse upon my lighter side! He told the secret I would hide! ''[Uncle sprinkles him with salt, slowly transforming him to stone]'' Without him, you'd have never known that salt will turn me back to... ''[completely petrified]'' :'''Uncle''': Stone? ===''Scouts Honor'' [2.24]=== :''[after Jackie is teleported to Uncle's Store]'' :'''Uncle''': Jackie! Did not expect you until tonight! :'''Jackie''': You and I both Uncle. I believe this necklace has magical powers. :'''Jade''': Cool, can I check it out? :'''Jackie''': No Jade. This necklace could be very dangerous. :'''Jade''': ''Everything'' is very dangerous! Traveling to Venice, digging for artifacts, wearing jewelry... <hr width=50%/> :'''Buttercup Scout''': Greetings, campers! I'm a Buttercup Scout, and my Troop is trying to raise money by selling these delicious boxes of- :''[Tohru bursts through the door, smashing Jackie accidentally]'' :'''Tohru''': Cookies! :'''Buttercup Scout''': What kind would you like, Mister? We have Vanilla Cream, Chocolate Mint, Oatmeal Raisin... :'''Tohru''': Uh, may I have them ''all?'' :'''Buttercup Scout''': You sure may! Will that be check, or- ''[Tohru hands her a handful of cash]'' Cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': I have heard that scouting builds character. I have also heard that scouts receive a discount on cookies. ===''The King and Jade'' [2.25]=== :'''King Lili''': ''[after Jackie dispatches some thugs]'' That was amazing the way you defeated those men single-handedly! :'''Jade''': ''[invisible due to the Snake Talisman]'' Hello? What am I, invisible? ... Oh. Yeah. <hr width=50%/> :'''King Lili''': Who are you? :'''Jade''': I'm uh, part of your security team. Jackie's partner. Name's Jade. :'''King Lili''': And you can become invisible? Can all bodyguards do that? :'''Jade''': ''[revealing the Snake Talisman]'' Only if they have one of these babies. :'''King Lili''': Ah, a talisman! :'''Jade''': A ''magic'' talisman! :'''King Lili''': May I see? ''[Jade hesitates, but gives him the Snake Talisman]'' How does it work? :'''Jade''': You just squeeze it in your hand. Uh, but I don't think- ''[King Lili becomes invisible]'' Yup. Heh. You learn fast, now open your hand and become visible again. ''[no response]'' Uh... King? Your majesty? Lili?! I can't believe it! Lili pulled a Jade! ===''Enter the Cat'' [2.26]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[opening the box, revealing a black cat statue]'' The Cat of Khartoum. :'''Jade''': That's it? Looks like something you'd buy at a swap-meet for a buck. :'''Valmont''': ''[appearing from around a corner]'' Worth quite a bit more, young lady. :'''Jackie''': Valmont! :'''Valmont''': Thanks ever so for finding the Cat for me, Chan. Now hand it over! :'''Jackie''': No! It belongs to the museum! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Finn and Ratso approach]'' :'''Jade''': Hey, maybe you haven't heard, but possession is nine tenths of the law! :'''Ratso''': ''[taking out some nunchucks]'' Yeah? And this here's the other two tenths! :'''Jackie''': You need to work on your math! :'''Finn''': Yeah? My math's good enough to know that three against one ain't very good odds. :'''Valmont''': Spare me the gladiator scene. Just get the merchandise! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[after perfectly landing from a large fall]'' Fantastic! I've never felt so alive! ''[proceeds to leap up the cliff past Jackie]'' Something about the Statue, Chan. It's good luck! ''[leaves]'' :'''Jackie''': Good luck, or bad magic? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[cellphone rings]'' Is that you, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': No. It is a magazine salesman calling you at five o'clock in morning! :'''Jackie''': Oh, sorry. It's almost lunchtime here. :'''Uncle''': Uncle has been researching the Cat of Khartoum. :'''Jackie''': Yes, and did you discover any unusual legends or- :'''Uncle''': Getting to that! According to legend, anyone who gets scratched by claw of statue- :'''Jackie''': Becomes like a cat themself! :'''Uncle''': Bah! You already know so much! Why you bother me? :'''Jackie''': There is one thing I do not know, Uncle. What is the antidote? :'''Uncle''': ''Antidote?!'' Do not get scratched by claw of cat! :'''Jackie''': I mean, how do you reverse the process? Or are you getting to that? :'''Uncle''': No! Getting to bed! Call you back later! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ratso and Finn sit in front of a fully transformed cat-like representation of Valmont]'' :'''Finn''': Dude, check it out. ''[Valmont chugs a large jar of creamer]'' Uh, want a little coffee with your cream there, Big-V? ''[Valmont ignores him and just licks his fingers]'' :'''Ratso''': I'll give him one thing; he's very tidy. :'''Finn''': I say we collect the dough for this thing pronto, get Valmont to a doctor. Maybe there's some kind of cure. :'''Ratso''': Don't you mean... a veterinarian? :''[Finn and Ratso snicker]'' :'''Valmont (Cat)''': I heard that. In fact, my hearing has become ''quite'' accute. There is no cure, because this is not a disease. It's a transformation. And I rather like the new me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont (Cat)''': ''[laughing playfully while hitting tassles]'' Tassles! I never realized what pleasure they can give. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont (Cat)''': ''[clawing through a wall]'' [[w:The Shining (film)|Here's Tabby]]! ===''Pleasure Cruise'' [2.27]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[after surviving a fall from a skyscraper by using a flag as a parachute and landing in front of many bewildered onlookers]'' Uh... The elevator is too slow. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': The cargo ship was not a secure enough transport. The museum decided that with the thieves still at large, the Golden Dragon will instead travel to Hong Kong on the last place anyone would think to look; a cruise ship. I will accompany it. :'''Jade''': Tch. You lucked out. :'''Jackie''': Yes. The only problem is that the museum has given me a two room suite. I do not know what to do with all the extra space. :'''Jade''': I'm going on a cruise! Yes! :'''Jackie''': Heh heh, all of us are going. Uncle, Tohru... :'''Uncle''': Pah! Uncle does not cruise. Uncle does inventory! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, when was the last time you took a real vacation? :'''Uncle''': Let me see. Three, four, carry the one, never! So why start now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': I will stay here. :'''Jade''': Tohru? Hello?! Swimming pools? Whale watching? All the shrimp you can eat? ''[Tohru glares at her]'' Okay, strike that. All the pizza you can eat? :'''Tohru''': I... cannot travel on a ship. :'''Jade''': Tch. Knew I shouldn't have taken you to see [[w:Titanic (1997 film)|Titanic]]. That was just a movie, Tohru. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Where are you going, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': To lifeboat! Row back to shore! :'''Mama Tohru''': Good! I have better things to do than hang around with junk seller! I visit with my boy, relax, play a little Mahjong... :'''Uncle''': ''[interested]'' You play Mahjong? :'''Mama Tohru''': No, I ''win'' at Mahjong. Five-time All Kyoto Finalist! :'''Uncle''': Hong Kong Community Center Champion 1955. Beat you with one hand ''tied'' behind back! :'''Mama Tohru''': Ha! Big talker! How about you put your tiles where your mouth is? <hr width=50%/> :''[loading up lifeboats]'' :'''Ship Officer''': We're near capacity, Captain! :'''Ship Captain''': Boats can and will accommodate every passenger and crewmember! :'''Ship Officer''': But we've never really had anyone... his size. ''[everyone looks at Tohru]'' :'''Tohru''': That boat, bobbing up and down? I will stay here. :'''Mama Tohru''': If my baby not going, I'm not going. Bah. Take the Billy Goat! :'''Uncle''': Hah! Nice try! Could not leave ship until I whoop you at Shuffleboard! Take Jade! ===''The Chosen One'' [2.28]=== :'''Uncle''': Kindly forgive the brutish behavior of my apprentice. ''[takes away Tohru's Chinese Takeout food]'' He offers you his meal as an apology. :'''Ben-Shui Monk''': Oh, we would ''never'' eat his food. :'''Uncle''': You do not like moo shu? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[rolling out a mattress]'' Uncle is too old for this! :'''Jade''': ''[rolling out a mattress]'' Tch. ''I'm'' too old for this! :'''Jackie''': ''[rolling out a mattress]'' Let's just try to make the best of- ''[mattresses are pulled out from under them]'' Oof! :'''Jade''': Hey! :'''Uncle''': Huh?! :''[mattresses are stacked up for Tohru]'' :'''Ben-Shui Monk''': When the Chosen One sleeps well, everyone is rested! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Pillow fight! Whoa! :'''[Uncle grabs Jade by her arm]'' :'''Uncle''': You are too young to watch battle with the forces of darkness! :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''Oh!'' Tohru! Uncle has the willies! :'''Tohru''': Willies? :'''Uncle''': Dark Chi must be near! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[after Tohru disappears; to Jackie]'' You are a lousy Champion! You let the Chosen One out of your sight! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': '' Jade! ''[pulls her in and slams the door]'' You are still too young. :'''Jade''': Aw! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade finds Tohru washing dishes]'' :'''Jade''': The Chosen One is a cleanser of souls, not a washer of dishes. :'''Tohru''': ''[sigh]'' But I do not want to be the Chosen One. :'''Jade''': Tch. Why not? You have your own personal champion, and servants who wade on you, hand and foot. :'''Tohru''': I am not accustomed to such treatment, Jade. I enjoy serving people, especially those I like. :'''Jade''': Well, maybe washing dishes isn't the only way to help. Did you see how happy you made those villagers? The Chosen One serves too, in a different kind of way. :'''Tohru''': Perhaps you are right. :'''Jade''': ''[grabs plate]'' Good, 'cause you missed a spot. You are ''so'' fired! <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Step aside, wizard! Your tepid spells cannot stop me! :'''Uncle''': Be warned! I was a student of Chi Master Fong! :'''Daolon Wong''': And I am Daolon Wong, the Dark Master who defeated Fong! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You will ''PAY'' for that! ===''Glove Story'' [2.29]=== :'''Jackie''': I'm sorry, but this find belongs to the museum. :'''Haggis''': Uh...your name is "The Museum"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie! ''[leaps on him]'' :'''Jackie''': Hello. :'''Jade''': ''[gasp; takes Greenbeard's Gloves]'' Are these from Greenbeard's ship? Can I keep 'em, ''please?'' I've been reading all about Greenbeard! :'''Jackie''': You've been reading? For pleasure? :'''Jade''': Tch. Not like there's anything else to do around here! ''[picks up nearby book]'' "The meanest pirate of them all! Greenbeard swore he would keep stealing forever, even after he died. Argh!" How cool was he? :'''Jackie''': There is nothing "cool" about stealing, Jade. :'''Jade''': Aw... :'''Tohru''': Crime does not pay. If Captain Black had not pulled strings after I left the Dark Hand, I would be in prison right now. :'''Uncle''': Instead, he lives under the supervision of his parole officer! ''[reveals Mahjong hand]'' So Tohru is free to lose as ''many'' games of Mahjong as he likes! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': So, do you think- could you please pull a few more strings? :'''Captain Black''': I want to Jackie, but my hands are tied this time. :'''Jackie''': I really thought Tohru had left his past behind. :'''Captain Black''': So did I, but the sad truth is some people never change. ===''Tough Luck'' [2.30]=== :''[Finn is dreaming of the Dark Hand performing with a rock band in front of an audience; mid-way through their song, Jackie leaps from a helicopter and grabs Finn by his collar]'' :'''Finn''': But... we're not even doing anything wrong! :'''Jackie''': You are off-key. ''[punches Finn]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer''': ''[inspecting a vase]'' Is this late Yuan Dynasty or early Ming? :'''Tohru''': Uh... It is from China. ''[Customer leaves the shop]'' :'''Uncle''': ''[scoffs]'' You are a terrible salesman! You must know the merchandise. :'''Jade''': Uncle's right, Tohru. For example, this lovely lamp is from the junk dyansty. :'''Jackie''': You are not helping, Jade. <hr width=50%/> :''[in sales training, holding a painted duck]'' :'''Tohru''': Uh... Note the hand painted details and um... ''[clears throat]'' Duck shape? :'''Jackie''': How nice. I will take two. :'''Uncle''': Aiya! Tohru, you must mention its age. And Jackie, I did not believe your performance for a second. :'''Jade''': Oh Uncle! Somebody made a sale. :'''Jackie''': Jade! :'''Jade''': But wait! I also made an acquisition. ''[holds the Emerald of Killarney]'' :'''Uncle''': AIYA! :''[This last exclamation echoes repeatedly into the world]'' :'''Uncle''': Infamous Emerald of Killarney. Feared throughout the world. :'''Jade''': Feared? :'''Uncle''': That stone carries an Irish curse bringing endless bad luck to whomever possesses it. Jade, you are cursed! :'''Jade''': Really? I don't feel cur- ''[wind suddenly blows money from her hand into a candle flame]'' ''I'M CURSED!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': I got you into this, at least let me help get you out! Besides, you can't go to Ireland by yourself. You're cursed. :'''Jackie''': I can handle a little bad luck Jade. :'''Uncle''': Not without Uncle's lucky charms. ''[gives him a Garlic necklace]'' Garlic, good for digestion, and for luck. One more thing. ''[hands him a live rabbit]'' Rabbit's feet. They work better when they are still on the rabbit. ''[gives him a handful of radishes]'' And keep these with you at all times, or else... :'''Jackie''': Or else what? :'''Uncle''': The rabbit will get hungry! <hr width=50%/> :'''Beat-up Man''': ''[beckons to Uncle's Shop]'' That's where I unloaded the Emerald. :'''Ratso''': Chan?! :'''Chow''': He has the stone?! :'''Finn''': Of all the rotten luck! :'''Ratso''': Maybe we should track down a different emerald. :'''Finn''': Yo, I'm the boss, and I say we're getting ''this'' emerald! Hey, maybe Chan was too much for the Dark Hand, but we are [[w:The Jimi Hendrix Experience|the Finn Experience]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': Uncle may go for garlic and rabbits, but we both know I'm your real good luck charm. :'''Jackie''': Jade, you are going back right- ''[suddenly pinched]'' Ow! :'''Man''': Top of the morning to ya. :'''Jackie''': You're going back- ''[pinched again]'' Ow! You're- ''[pinched again]'' Ow! Why does everyone keep doing that?! :'''Jade''': 'Cause this is Ireland, you're not wearing green, and it's kinda St. Patrick's Day. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[cellphone rings]'' Hello? :'''Uncle''': Jackie, I have been doing more research. Tohru is performing an Irish Good Luck spell for you. Is it working? :'''Jackie''': Don't- ''[pinched]'' Ow! -think so. :'''Uncle''': You call that an Irish Jig, Tohru? That spell says you must River Dance! ''[to Jackie]'' One more thing. To avoid bad luck, always wear a belt, beware of men named Seamus, and never stand with your back to an open door. :'''Jackie''': Are you making these up? :'''Uncle''': Do you want Uncle's help or not?! :'''Jackie''': ''[backs away from an open door]'' Bah! Open door! ''[backs into Finn, Ratso, and Chow]'' Ah! The Dark Hand?! :'''Finn''': Not anymore. We are [[w:The Revolution (band)|Finn and the Revolution]]! :'''Ratso''': I thought we were the Finn Experience. :'''Finn''': Eh, I'm still playing around with names. <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[grabbing Jackie]'' No one escapes from [[w: Earth, Wind, & Fire|Finn, Wind, and Fire]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chow''': We never made this kind of coin working for the Dark Hand! :'''Ratso''': [[w:The Rolling Stones|The Rolling Finns]] rock! :'''Finn''': My solo debut just went triple platinum! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Face it, Chan. You're no match for [[w:Van Halen|Finn Halen]]! Now give me the emerald! :'''Jackie''': ... willingly. ''[gives the emerald, and the curse to Finn]'' :'''Finn''': So, how does it feel to be a loser, Chan? :'''Jackie''': Actually, ''I'' feel lucky. ===''The Amazing T-Girl!'' [2.31]=== :'''Captain Black''': I'm very sorry about this. :'''Uncle''': You should be sorry! We are not used to travelling with outsiders! You are ruining our Feng Shui! :'''Captain Black''': Uh, I meant about the Talismans. I just couldn't get the rocks to work their magic! :'''Jade''': ''[grabbing the Rooster Talisman from Black's backpack]'' You gotta have the right touch. :'''Jackie''': ''[grabs the Talisman and puts it back]'' Jade... :'''Jade''': Not even for demonstration purposes? :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': ''[snaps her finger, unknowingly activating the Monkey Talisman power]'' Rats. ''[transforms a nearby boulder into a statue of rats]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ben-Shui Monk''': Do not be concerned, friends. The power of the Talismans, lies within. :'''Jackie''': You got them back? :'''Black''': Jackie, Jackie... the Holy man speaks in the mystical sense, as in, [[w:May the force be with you|May the force be with you]], or [[w:We Are the World|We are the world]]. Right? :'''Monk''': Oh, no no. The power of the Talismans, truly lies within. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[easily lifting up two monks in chairs]'' Jackie, check it out! I'm super strong! ''[runs around fast]'' Super fast, ''[turns invisible]'' super gone, ''[transformers into a monkey]'' super chimp, ''[reverts to herself]'' super Talisman powered! ''[grabs a green cloth and wears it like a cape]'' I'm T-Girl! :'''Jackie''': ''[shocked]'' How?! :'''Jade''': Not sure. But I think each finger controls a different power. Which would leave two unaccounted for. :'''Jackie''': Not what I meant! :'''Jade''': Oh, not sure how it happened. Maybe... ''[realizes]'' When I got zapped in the vault! Duh. ''[smacks her forehead, unleashing the Pig Talisman's Heat Beam power, blowing a hole in the temple]'' Whoa! So ''that's'' how I do heat beam eyes! Maybe dragon blast is my belly button! :'''Jackie''': No Jade, no dragon blast! :'''Uncle''': Power must be returned to their proper vessels with a restoration spell. :'''Jade''': Aw... :'''Uncle''': But we must first retrieve the Talismans themselves. :'''Jade''': Well what are we waiting for? Let's find Wong and stomp his ancient troub- :''[Jackie grabs her]'' :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': But Jackie, [[w:He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|I have the power]]! :'''Jackie''': Which Daolon Wong wants. Which is why you must stay here. Safe. <hr width=50%/> :''[After Uncle, Jackie, and Black have been captured and trapped in the ground by Daolon Wong]'' :'''Uncle''': Do not waste your strength, someone will come. :'''Jackie''': Let us hope it's not a wolf. :'''Black''': Or a [[w:yeti|yeti]]. ''[pause]'' Well they have those here, right? <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Hand over the girl! :'''Jade''': Come and get me! ''[blows a raspberry at Daolon Wong, resulting in her activating the Dragon Talisman's power from her mouth]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after trying to heal Supermoose with the Horse Talisman, which actually uses the Dragon Talisman's power and destroys Supermoose]'' :'''Jade''': Uh, what was the Dragon Blast doing in the Horse Talisman? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie? Hello? I may be a rag doll, but I'm still T-Girl. :'''Jackie''': Oh! ===''The Chan Who Knew Too Much'' [2.32]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[after stumbling into a secret meeting]'' Uh, hello. Sorry to interrupt your function. I'll just find my way- :'''Magister Leader''': Thou knoweth too much! Thou must be smoten! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Leader''': He seeketh to learn the mysteries of our fortress! :''[Jackie runs into a room, which the Magisters follow him into]'' :'''Magister Leader''': He has spied, the secret library! :'''Jackie''': Umm, library? What library? ''[runs again into another room]'' :'''Magister Leader''': He hath discovered the hidden armory! :'''Jackie''': I'm just looking for an exit! ''[runs down a hall into another room]'' :'''Magister Leader''': Ehh! He hath entered the private water closet! :'''Magister''': He is privy to our privy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Captain Black? :'''Captain Black''': Jackie! How's England? :'''Jackie''': Dangerous. I fell into a hidden fortress, and men in robes attacked me with magic spe- :'''Captain Black''': ''NO NO!'' The M-word Jackie! My superiors already think I'm cracking up! And they're ''istening-le'' to my ''ohne calls-phe!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister 1''': ''[pointing to Jackie's cell phone]'' You have knaved to others of the Magisters! :'''Jackie''': Magisters? :'''Magister 2''': He knoweth our name! :'''Jackie''': ''He'' just said it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[hitting the fax machine with a broom]'' Tohru! The giant phone is possessed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister''': Thou has faxed our insignia! :'''Jackie''': It didn't go through! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[handcuffed to Jackie; to Magister Constable]'' Give us the key! :'''Jackie''': Jade... ''Please'' give us the key! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Constable''': Halt! Ye shall be smoten, post-haste! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Constable''': Methinks yon varlet wisheth to challenge us in armed combat. :'''Jackie''': No! I don't wisheth that at alleth! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Constable''': Yon twain knoweth nothing of our magicks! :'''Jackie''': That is what I have been trying to tell you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': We have to get help before they find us again. :'''Jade''': Tch. From who?! We're fresh out of proper authorities! Anybody here could be another Magister, Captain Black has magic issues, the only one who ''will'' help us is Uncle, and he can't even use a fax machine! :'''Jackie''': You're right, we are on our own, so we had better find out exactly what they don't want us to know. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie and Jade discover the Magisters are responsible for stealing Stonehenge]'' :'''Magister Leader''': Deny it no further! Thou knoweth too much! :'''Jade''': Well duh! We do now! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': For somebody who likes his privacy, this dude is such a blabbermouth! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Okay, let's try this one more time! ''[calls Uncle]'' Uncle! Evil wizards stole Stonehenge and- :'''Uncle''': Jackie told me, so we did research. Jade, the wizards are called Magisters. :'''Jade''': I know- :'''Uncle''': One more thing. Their society is ''very'' secretive. :'''Jade''': I know- :'''Uncle''': One more thing. They use magic words to cast spells. :'''Jade''': I know- :'''Uncle''': One more thing... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Uncle casts Chi Spells over the phone to combat the Magisters]'' :'''Jackie''': He can understand sending a spell through the phone, but not a piece of paper? ===''Shrink Rap'' [2.33]=== :'''Hak Foo''': Rabid hamster climbs wheel! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[as Hak Foo rolls down a hill on a water mill]'' Hak Foo really rolls with the punches. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie, no! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie and Hak Foo are shrunk]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[noticing a giant shoe]'' SHOE! :'''Hak Foo''': No one "shoo's" me! ''[is kicked my the giant shoe]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': This antidote will release from detention he who is trapped in another dimension. :''[a portal opens and an amphibious monster appears]'' :'''Jade''': Uhhh, Jackie? :'''Amphibious Monster''': ''[British Accent]'' It's just me, but thank you ever so much for freeing me from that beastly limbo. :'''Uncle''': ... Not Jackie. :''[Tohru enters with a tray of cookies]'' :'''Amphibious Monster''': ''[sniffs the air]'' Aah, lunch! :'''Tohru''': Uhh, cookie? :'''Amphibious Monster''': ''[eyeing Jade]'' What's a cookie? ''[roars, frightening Jade and Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': Go away! ''[the amphibious monster is sent back through the portal]'' I must find another spell. :'''Jade''': You think?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[while fighting in Tohru's ear]'' Tohru, you must stop Uncle. I am inside your head! :'''Tohru''': Sensei, Jackie says he is inside my head. :'''Uncle''': ''[Uncle gasps]'' There is no room to grow inside there. :'''Jade''': Tohru's head is going to go Scanner? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Stop! Do not take that which does not belong to you, uh, mortal! :'''Hak Foo''': Shiva speaks? :''[Jackie gasps]'' :'''Hak Foo''': With a familiar voice. :''[Hak Foo destroys the statue's body. Leaving only Shiva's head on Jackie]'' :'''Jackie''': Shiva runs too! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[squeaky voice]'' Tohru! ''[normal voice]'' Tohru, it's me! Jackie! Jackie! ''[squeaky voice]'' Jackie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': Rampaging rhino runs! :'''Jackie''': No rhino! No ramming! ===''I'll Be A Monkey's Puppet'' [2.34]=== :'''Jade''': But Jackie, I can't take first prize at the talent show if I don't have a talent! :'''Jackie''': Jade, you have a fine talent. For getting into trouble. :'''Jade''': Har. Har. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': You bought this from my competition?! :'''Jade''': ''[playing with the Monkey King puppet, and the eyebrow breaks off]'' Hey, it broke! :'''Uncle''': Because it is junk! Kai Ching steals my business by selling cheap trinkets! :'''Jackie''': But Kai Ching said it was one of a kind. ''[Uncle cuffs him twice]'' Ow! Ow! :'''Uncle''': And that is ''TWO'' of a kind to teach you that bringing my competitors goods into my shop invites bad Chi! One more thing. Do you see any Monkey Kings in here? No? That is because the Monkey King is known for his love of mischief! ''[looks at the puppet]'' And he is creepy looking! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, please. It is only a puppet, and Jade's talent show is tomorrow. :'''Uncle''': You will be sorry. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the Monkey King transforms Jackie into a puppet and defeats Tohru]'' :'''Uncle''': We are dealing with a very sick mind. :'''Jade''': Uncle, you have to do something! :'''Uncle''': I am not Geppetto. I do not bring puppets to life. :'''Jade''': ''[getting an idea]'' You're a genius! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': The Rat Talisman brings motion to the motionless. ''[places the Rat Talisman on the Jackie Puppet]'' This oughta get Jackie back on his feet. :''[the Talisman activates and Jackie wakes up]'' :'''Jade''': Well, it's a start. :'''Jackie (Puppet)''': What? What is it? :'''Uncle''': ''[rushes forward]'' Nothing! Do not look in mirror! :'''Jackie (Puppet)''': ''[sees reflection]'' Bwah! :'''Uncle''': I told you not to look in mirror! He never listens. <hr width=50%/> :''[riding a toy boat]'' :'''Monkey King''': [[w:Titanic (1997 film)|I'm king of the world]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Monkey King''': ''[brandishes a large axe]'' How much wood does a woodchuck chuck? :'''Jade''': Oh my gosh, look out! :'''Monkey King''': Huh? ''[turns around; Jade and Jackie's puppet run away; realizes]'' Can't believe I fell for that old gag. ===''Chi of the Vampire'' [2.35]=== :'''Uncle''': Jackie, guard the door in case it returns! :'''Jackie''': "It"? :'''Uncle''': Hidden inside of an antique? Mr. Lam tried to trick us into taking it! :'''Jackie''': What is "it"? :'''Uncle''': A Jiang Shi Vampire! :'''Jade''': Told ya. :'''Jackie''': ... Did the ''little monster'' put you up to this? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Chinese vampire drain Chi. Life energy from the prey making the vampire stronger, and turning the victims into servants. Without any Chi, Tohru will soon transform into a fiendish minion of darkness! We must perform a Chi transfusion! :'''Jackie''': Transfusion? You want to put someone else's Chi in Tohru's body? :'''Jade''': Tch. Where are you gonna find someone with that much extra- ''[Uncle grabs her]'' Whoa! :'''Uncle''': You have abundant youthful energy. Chi to spare. It is the only way to prevent Tohru from serving the undead! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Tohru throws the Vampire through a door]'' :'''Jackie''': Thank you, Tohru. :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' I just slam-dunked a Chi Sucker! ''I rule!'' ''[begins to dance]'' Go Tohru! Go Tohru! I'm the bomb! :'''Uncle''': Hmmm. It appears the Chi transfusion was successful. :'''Jade''': ''[dancing]'' Go Jade! Go Jade! Lotta Chi Girl! Saving Tohru! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' How are we gonna save Uncle ''without'' Uncle??? :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' We must do research! :'''Jackie''': You gotta be kidding me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi; holding an unconscious Uncle]'' He's starting to go all fang-y. :'''Jackie''': Uncle is turning into the vampire's minion. Use my Chi for the transfusion. ''[is cuffed by Jade]'' Ow! :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' I do not know such spells! Jade has Uncle's ''CHI'', not his brains! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi, after Uncle fully transforms]'' Aiya! He is a servant to the vampire! :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' Duh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' We must all reclaim our Chi before sunrise, or it will belong to the Vampire forever! :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' You mean I'd be stuck in Jade-mode? :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' You would rather have Uncle's Chi? I cannot stop thinking about digestion! :'''Vampire Uncle''': ''[in a state of paralysis]'' My master will drink you dry! Drink you- ''[mouth covered by Jackie]'' :'''Jackie''': How do we take back the Chi? :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' Easy. We just hunt down Count Jerkula, and... ''[kicks and punches in the air]'' :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' No! Magic must defeat magic! We must collect a toadstool from a graveyard, place it inside the vampire's left sock, and throw the sock into a river! :'''Jackie''': ... You're making this up. :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' You want to stop the Jiang Shi? Yes? THEN DO WHAT JADE TELLS YOU! One more thing. We must hurry. The sunrise is in thirty minutes! :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' Come on Jackie! It's vampire butt-kick time! :'''Jackie''': This is too weird. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vampire Uncle''': ''[in a state of paralysis]'' Master, I have fallen, and I cannot get up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[twirling the Vampire's sock and chanting]'' We knocked your socks off! ''[sniffs the sock]'' EW! ===''The Good, the Bad, the Blind, the Deaf and the Mute'' [2.36]=== :'''Uncle''': ''[coming upon a large idol of three stone monkeys]'' There! :'''Jade''': Whoa! Mt. Chimpmore. :'''Uncle''': The great idol of the Three Wise Monkeys. Legend tells that it is filled with Dark Chi. :'''Jackie''': The idol is evil? :'''Uncle''': No. Three Wise Monkeys are guardians. Good wizards sealed the Dark Chi within them looking ago, so that humanity may neither see, hear, nor speak of such evil. ''[shudders]'' Oh. :'''Tohru''': What is it, sensei? :'''Uncle''': The willies! :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[suddenly appearing]'' No doubt the forces of light have summoned you here, since I possess the only existing map. :'''Jackie''': Daolon Wong! :'''Jade''': The anti-Uncle! <hr width=50%/> :''[as everyone regains consciousness, noticing the idol has vanished]'' :'''Jade''': DAOLON IS GONE! :'''Uncle''': As is the idol! :'''Jade''': MT. CHIMPMORE IS GONE TOO! :'''Uncle''': That is what I just said! :''[Jackie tries to speak, only to realize he's mute]'' :'''Jade''': DAOLON IS GONE AND HE TOOK MT. CHIMPMORE WITH HIM! :'''Uncle''': Aiya! Stop shouting Jade! I am old, not deaf! ''[Jackie gets Uncles attention, but still cannot speak]'' Speak up Jackie! I cannot hear you! :'''Tohru''': ''[fumbling around with his hands]'' How can you see through this cloud of Dark Chi? :'''Uncle''': There is no Dark Chi cloud! :'''Tohru''': Then why can I not see you? :''[Jackie once more tries to speak]'' :'''Jade''': UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF JACKIE'S MOUTH! :'''Uncle''': ''[realizing]'' Because Jackie is mute. :'''Jade''': UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF ''YOUR'' MOUTH! :'''Uncle''': Jade is deaf! :'''Tohru''': ''[fumbling with Uncle's face]'' Sensei? :'''Uncle''': ''[muffled]'' And Tohru is blind! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[wandering around]'' We are like the three Wise Monkeys! :'''Jade''': WHAT? SPEAK UP TOHRU! :'''Tohru''': ''[walking away]'' I said "We are like the-" :'''Jade''': YO! TOHRU! OVER HERE! I DON'T THINK T CAN SEE! :'''Tohru''': Why were you not affected, Sensei? :'''Uncle''': As a student of Master Fong, I am protected by an abundance of Good Chi. :'''Jade''': IF I'M DEAF, AND TOHRU IS BLIND, THAT MEANS UNCLE MUST BE MUTE! ''[Jackie tries to tell her that he's mute]'' JACKIE, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, ''DUH!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[to Jackie]'' I cannot read your lips. Your accent is too thick! ===''The Warrior Incarnate'' [2.37]=== :'''Shendu''': My patience wears thin, Valmont. Every moment spent imprisoned in this stone casement is an eternity lost! :'''Valmont''': I assure you Shendu, my men are spending every waking moment searching for your Talismans. :''[Finn and Ratso enter the room arguing over a newspaper]'' :'''Ratso''': Aw, come on, I wanna see the baseball scores! :'''Finn''': Nuh-uh! Not until I finish checking out Stewie Cablooie. He's the bomb! :'''Shendu''': You two! Come closer! :'''Ratso''': Uh oh... :'''Shendu''': Show me the parchment. :'''Ratso''': ''[shows Shendu the Sports section]'' You a [[w:San Francisco Giants|Giants]] fan, Shendu? :'''Shendu''': Argh! Turn it ''over!'' :'''Ratso''': The hair plugs ad? :'''Shendu''': ''[seeing an article about an ancient statue]'' The statue of Lo Pei... :'''Finn''': You wanna see Lo Pei, oughta check out my salary. Get it? Low pay? <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jade crashes into Lo Pei statue]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[Shocked]'' What did you do?! :'''Jade''': What did ''you'' do?! You put an old junk heap in the middle of the floor! :'''Jackie''': That "old junk heap" is a priceless antiquity on loan from the museum! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[nervously pacing]'' Oh, broken statue... :'''Jade''': Sorry! :'''Jackie''': Broken statue! :'''Jade''': Sorry! :'''Jackie''': Broken statue! :'''Jade''': Sorry! :'''Uncle''': Jasmine tea to calm the nerves... :'''Jackie''': Yes, I can see my future in the tea leaves. The museum contacts the university, my career winds up like that statue; ruined! ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': Your career not important! Now we will never read the inscriptions. Knowledge has been lost forever! ... Must call my insurance agent, see if I'm covered for this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Really, I can explain! :'''Captain Black''': No need. The intruder was obviously an emissary of the Dark Hand utilizing a high octane nerve gas. You were foolish to try and stop him on your own... ''[pats Jade's head]'' But also very brave. :'''Jade''': Yeah, well I try to be of help. :'''Jackie''': Yes, and I wish you would stop helping. ''[notices the Talismans are gone]'' The Talismans! How?! :'''Jade''': Uh... you know that broken statue? Well, he's not so broken anymore. :'''Jackie''': What?! :'''Jade''': Don't worry, Jackie. I can help! ''[covers mouth]'' The H word. ''[later]'' I meant help you find the warrior, not help do the laundry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': No, don't hurt her! :'''Jade''': It's okay, Jackie. Me and Lo Pei are pals. :'''Lo Pei''': Pals. ''[gives thumbs up gesture]'' A-okay. :'''Jackie''': And the Talismans? :'''Jade''': Oh. Those. Well, the Dark Hand kinda got the drop on us, and... heh. :'''Jackie''': ''[facepalms]'' Ohhh... :'''Jade''': We'll get the Talismans back! Warriors, yes! :'''Jackie''': Warriors, no! You are a child, and I am an archaeologist, ''[to Lo Pei]'' though not for long if I don't get you back to the museum. :'''Lo Pei''': Again you speak nonsense. As the crescent-moon is duty-bound to follow the sunset, so shall I smite this Dark Hand! ''[gives a thumbs up]'' HOO-AH! :'''Jackie''': "Hoo-ah"? :'''Jade''': It's an ancient warrior thing. ===''Snake Hunt'' [2.38]=== :'''Jade''': ''[as Jackie grabs her shoulder]'' Wah! :'''Jackie''': Hi Jade. :'''Jade''': ''[breathing heavily]'' Jackie, don't sneak up on me like that! :'''Jackie''': Oh, I was sneaking up on you? You're supposed to back at the hotel. :'''Jade''': ''Sure.'' Limit my exposure to other cultures. Stifle my educational potential. :'''Jackie''': Jade, I'm only trying to stifle your potential to be harmed. What if the Dark Hand were here too, searching for the Snake Talisman? :'''Jade''': Did you find it? :'''Jackie''': Not yet. You'd think it were invisible. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': Edit that out! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': And thus, "Just the Artifacts" has the exclusive scoop on this infamous Snake Talisman, whatever that is. You do think everyone was fighting over the chalk drawing, don't you? :'''Dino Stefanson''': ''[packing away his camera]'' Oh, maybe we should ask an archeologist. :'''Wesley Rank''': I ''AM'' AN ARCHEOLOGIST! :'''Dino Stefanson''': Oh right, destroying 4,000 year-old drawings, yeah that's what archeologists do. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie accidentally drops the Snake Talisman]'' :'''Jade''': ''[looking to catch it]'' I got it, I got it! :'''Wesey Rank''': ''[reaches out and catches the Talisman]'' How wrong you are, little lady! ''[to Dino]'' You there, uh camera-guy! Roll film, quickly! ''[temple begins to rumble]'' Welcome! I'm Wesley Rank and you're watching "Just the Artifacts" at the legendary once lost Temple of Culebra Gigante! I have just braved a ''treacherous'' climb to the temple's ''harrowing'' heights to bring you this! ''[holds up the Talisman]'' The Snake Talisman! :''[Jade suddenly appears in the shot punching him from below]'' :'''Jade''': No! Liar, liar, liar! :'''Wesley Rank''': ''[pushes Jade off; mockingly]'' Ow, that hurt! Edit that out. Where did this mysterious Talisman come from? Why was it here? And what is that awful racket?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': Everything all right? :'''Dino Stefanson''': Maybe a sprain. :'''Wesley Rank''': I meant the camera! Now point it at that exit, let's wrap this up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': And with this phenomenal find, firmly in hand, this is Wesley Rank bidding you farewell, 'til next time on "Just the Artifacts"! ''[turns to leave through the tunnel behind him, before running back screaming in absolute terror]'' AAH! :'''Dino Stefanson''': Let me guess, edit that out? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dino Stefanson''': Network's gonna love this. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie and Jade are watching the show that Wesley was filming]'' :'''Wesley Rank''': Welcome, I'm Wesley Rank and you're watching "Just the Artifacts" at the legendary once lost Temple of Culebra Gigante! I have just braved a ''treacherous'' climb to the temple's ''harrowing'' heights to bring you this...the Snake Talisman! :'''Jade''': ''[on television, enters the shot, punching Wesley from below]'' No! :'''Jackie''': Huh? :'''Jade''': I'm on TV! :'''Jackie''': Rank didn't edit that out? :'''Jade''': ''[on television]'' Liar, liar, liar! :'''Wesley Rank''': ''[pushing Jade offscreen; mockingly]'' Ow, that hurt! ''[immediately cuts to him running in fear from Culebra Gigante]'' AAH! :'''Dino Stefanson''': ''[laughs]'' Welcome to a special edition of "Just the Artifacts"! Wesley Rank may not know how to treat little girls, but he sure knows how to scream like one! I'm Dino Stefanson, and I'll be your new guide! :'''Jade''': ''[laughing]'' Go camera guy! :'''Jackie''': Look! :''[shows a shot of the Snake Talisman]'' :'''Dino Stefanson''': You'll also get the full scoop on how we recovered this rare Snake Talisman from a local pawn shop Rank sold it to. We of course donated the artifact to the New York Museum. :'''Jackie''': ''[sigh]'' After what we've been through, getting the Talisman from the museum should be a snap. ''[pops neck]'' :'''Jade''': We're off to the jungle! :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': New York? The ''concrete'' jungle? Duh! ===''Through the Rabbit Hole'' [2.39]=== :'''Chow''': I wish we hadn't lost that speed talisman. :'''Finn''': I wish Chan was never born. :'''Ratso''': I wish one of those talismans would come to us for a change! :''[The talisman locater suddenly starts glowing. The Enforcers look outside to see Jade walking past them]'' :'''Ratso''': I wish I had a million bucks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': So she speeds off, and then zappo, she's gone! :'''Finn''': It was freaky, Big V! Left behind some kind of energy hole! :'''Valmont''': Energy hole? ''Zappo?'' :'''Shendu''': A crude description, Valmont, but I indeed sense a wrinkle in time. The child has used the speed talisman to forge a tunnel to the past. :'''Valmont''': And if Shendu's rabbit dug a hole, all you idiots have to do to secure the Talisman is go ''through'' that hole. :'''Shendu''': But tunnels through time flow only in one direction. If you wish them to return, they will require this. ''[a Shadowkahn warrior presents a crystal orb to Tohru]'' :'''Ratso''': So uh...just how far back does this tunnel thingy go? :'''Finn''': We talking dinosaurs? :'''Valmont''': I don't care if it leads to the [[w:Big Bang|Big Bang]], you buffoons! Just bring me that talisman! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Kepler, have you seen- ''[Kepler's Chroniton Beam fires directly at Jackie as he enters the door; Jackie narrowly avoids it]'' Aah! :'''Kepler''': Same beam almost fried Jade. Maybe I should move the emitter. :'''Jackie''': ''Maybe???'' This is a safety hazard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Get down! Get funky! It's the 70's! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade and a Young Jackie Chan rush into Uncle's Store]'' :'''Young Jackie''': How did you know where I live? :'''Jade''': Whoa, what are these? ''[picks up a tape only to have Uncle appear and take it back]'' :'''Young Uncle''': [[w:8-Track tape|8-Track tapes]]. :'''Jade''': But where are the antiques? :'''Young Uncle''': While I wish to trade in ancient treasures, 8-Track is the way of the future. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Whoa! It's Chan! But bite-sized! :'''Chow''': And if we off him when he's little... :'''Finn''': He'll never get big! :'''Tohru''': Destroy him! :'''Young Jackie''': ''[gasp]'' Bad day... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Think we ditched 'em. :'''Young Jackie''': Ditched who, why are those men after me, what's that rabbit thing, how can you run so fast, ''what's going on?!'' :'''Jade''': Okay, here's the deal. I'm from the future. You're my uncle. The talisman's magic. The Dark Hand is after it, and now they wanna get rid of you so that they won't have to fight you when you grow up. Get it? :'''Young Jackie''': ...That's crazy Jade. You're crazy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Valmont''': ''[after rendering Uncle unconscious]'' My first act of megavillany! This is an exhilarating moment! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Chans engage the Dark Hand in a school dance]'' :'''Student 1''': [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|Everybody is Kung Fu fighting!]] :'''Student 2''': Hooah! <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Valmont''': You may have won today, Chan, but we will meet again, and- :''[Young Jackie bluffs a hit inches from Valmont's face, causing him to scream and faint]'' :'''Young Uncle''': Jackie, it looks like you will have a very interesting future, with a very odd niece. One more thing. Did she say anything else about my future in antiques? ==Season 3== ===''Re-Enter the J Team'' [3.1]=== :'''Jade''': Jackie, I keep having the same weird dream. I show up the first day of class without my... what I did during summer vacation essay. :'''Jackie''': Gee. Perhaps you should start writing your essay. :'''Jade''': Tch. You mean write about how boring vacation's been? We haven't seen a single demon, or ninja, or Dark Hand thug. :'''Jackie''': Hmmm. My kind of summer. <hr width=50%/> :''[during a slideshow presentation of various [[w:Jade|Jade]] Artifacts]'' :'''Jackie''': I recognize some of these pieces. Some of the finest examples of Emperor's Jade ever to exist. :'''Captain Black''': Until they vanished. As you know the collections of nearly a dozen Chinese museums have been hit over the last decade, and the thefts have the same thing in common. :'''Jackie''': No prints, no tracks, no suspects. :'''Captain Black''': Until now. Section 13 agents have been tracking the movements of Taiwanese billionaire Bartholomew Chang. :'''Jackie''': ''[noticing Chang's hand is made entirely of jade]'' His hand! :'''Captain Black''': Made of jade. :'''Jade''': ''[enters the room]'' You rang? :'''Jackie & Captain Black''': The stone. :'''Jade''': Just checking! ''[leaves]'' :'''Captain Black''': Our biggest obstacle is diplomatic. The Taiwanese government believes Chang to be its greatest philanthropist. That's why we can't make a move on his island fortress without absolute proof that he's stockpiling the goods there. :'''Jackie''': And I can help you, how? :'''Captain Black''': Chang is about to host his annual exclusive Martial Arts Tournament, ostensibly for charity. But I believe Chang uses the tournament as an audition to recruit muscle for his private army, and the guest transportation as a means to smuggle jade onto the island, and off of it. :'''Jackie''': You want me to attend the tournament as a contestant. :'''Captain Black''': And find the... ''[looks around; whispers]'' Jade. :''[Jade suddenly appears from an overhead vent]'' :'''Jade''': Captain Black, no offense, but this is way out of Jackie's league. This is a job for the J-Team! El Toro Fuerte; wrestler extraordinaire! Viper; mistress of Hapkido, Pilates, and Krav Maga! Tohru; the big strong... er, Sumo! :'''Jackie''': Uh, yes. Captain Black, I am sorry my niece has such an active imagination. :'''Captain Black''': I like it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Sumo? But I am small for a Sumo. <hr width=50%/> :'''Viper''': You're a real master of disguise. :'''El Toro''': El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask. :'''Viper''': Wish I could remove these pajamas. Not used to such a roomy fit. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Ready to go for the gold, Big Bopper? :'''Jackie''': Jade! How did you-?! :'''Jade''': Captain Black said the boats were used to smuggle Jade onto the island, duh! :'''Jackie''': Not the ''niece'', the stone! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bartholomew Chang''': And over here, the pride and joy of Chang Enterprises; basket weaving. All proceeds go- ''[Jackie falls from an air vent]'' You! This area is off limits! What are you doing?! :'''Jackie''': Looking for Jade! :'''Bartholomew Chang''': ''[nervously]'' What jade?! There is no jade here! I see no jade! :'''Jackie''': Oh no no no no, Jade my niece, not jade the stone! Have you seen it- I mean, her? ===''The Powers Unleashed'' [3.2]=== :'''Valmont''': And now that I'm finally rid of that petulant lizard, Shendu, the Dark Hand will rise ag- :'''Ratso''': Uh, Valmont? Your pancakes are getting cold. ''[Valmont gives Ratso his pancake stack]'' :'''Valmont''': Speaking of temperature, you'll need to acquire some serious heat if we're to embark on our epic crime spree! :'''Finn''': Now you're talking, Big-V! :'''Chow''': So, what's the plan? :'''Valmont''': You three will break into Section 13 and steal the Talismans. :'''Ratso''': Whoa, again? :'''Chow''': Uh, busting into Section 13's kinda risky. :'''Finn''': Besides V, we don't do ''flunky'' work. :'''Ratso''': Not unless we're getting paid. :'''Valmont''': Uh true, this Demon nonsense has depleted Dark Hand finances, but you know I'm good for it! :''[long pause]'' :'''Chow''': Okay, but you gotta make us partners. :'''Valmont''': Call yourselves Vice Presidents if you wish, just bring me those Talismans! ''[the restaurant bill is placed on the table, which Valmont hands to the Enforcers]'' :'''Finn, Ratso, & Chow''': Hey! :'''Valmont''': What? ''I'' didn't eat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': ''[after breaking into Section 13]'' Sweet! No guards in sight! :'''Finn & Chow''': Shhh! :'''Ratso''': Man, security here stinks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[taking the Talismans]'' ... and Monkey makes twelve. ''[suddenly grabbed by Ratso]'' :'''Finn''': ''We'll'' take those. :'''Chow''': Who are you anyway? :'''Ratso''': Ooh ooh, I know! He's [[w:Eric Singer|the drummer]] from [[w:Kiss (band)|KISS]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn, Ratso, & Chow''': Chan! :'''Daolon Wong''': Retrieve the Talismans! :'''Finn''': What ''he'' said! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie! You must not let Daolon Wong have the Talismans! :'''Jackie''': ... Okay. ''No one'' will have them. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie destroys the Talismans]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie... you blew them up! :'''Jackie''': ''[sigh]'' It is finally over... ''[is cuffed by Uncle]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': ''Not'' over. It is just beginning. :'''Jackie''': ''It is???'' :'''Uncle''': Talismans can be destroyed, but the powers they contain cannot. The magic has been set free, scattered to the winds, which means Daolon Wong will try to find them. :'''Jade''': You mean Jackie just started the Talisman Hunt all over again? Cool! :'''Jackie''': Bu- But where did the magic go? :'''Uncle''': With no vessels to contain them, the powers will return to their owners; the twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac. :'''Jade''': Hello? The Chinese Zodiac is way ancient. Those animals are history! :'''Uncle''': As such, the Talisman magic will be drawn to noble animals, those most worthy of their regal ancestors; twelve living creatures, each about to receive an extraordinary gift. :'''Jackie''': '''''WHAT HAVE I DONE?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Well? :'''Ratso''': Uhhh... :'''Chow''': That thing about making us partners? Don't worry about it. :'''Valmont''': If I were employing you, I would fire you! :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[steps from behind a corner]'' You three! I require your assistance. :'''Finn''': ...So what's the gig pay? :''[Daolon Wong chants an incantation which transforms Finn, Ratso, and Chow into Dark Chi Warriors]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Gan, Ren, Chui! :'''Dark Ratso''': You're orange! :'''Dark Chow''': You're bald! :'''Dark Finn''': Freaky... :'''Daolon Wong''': Bow before me, Dark Chi warriors. :'''Dark Finn''': Finn don't bow to no- ''[Daolon forces them to bow using Chi magic]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': You are no longer mortal men, but powerful servants enslaved to do my bidding. :'''Valmont''': Now see here! Finn, Ratso, and Chow are ''my'' servants, and I will thank you not to- ''[Daolon Wong traps Valmont in the ground up to his neck]'' AH! Hey! :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[detects a Talisman power]'' Ah, it would seem good fortune is mine, for one of the Talisman powers remains near. Come my warriors. ''[transports himself away]'' :'''Dark Ratso''': Where'd he go? ''[the Dark Enforcers are transported away, leaving Valmont behind]'' :'''Valmont''': Wait! You can't just leave me here! Release me at once! <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[at a dog show]'' Which is the beast that I seek? If I destroy all of them, one would remain standing; the one which holds the power of immortality! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Quickly! You must take the dog where Daolon's magic cannot reach! :'''Jackie''': ''[looking at all the dogs around him]'' But ''which'' dog, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Were you not listening?! The ''most noble'' one! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Dark Enforcers realize they can call for their weapons with Chi magic]'' :'''Dark Chow''': Remote control? :'''Dark Finn''': Rock and roll! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hey, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Jade, you should be asleep. :'''Jade''': So should you. And I know just the thing to help you on one. First we strap on rollerblades instead of trash goal points, then we slip through the talismans out of the vault... :'''Jackie''': Just because I can sleep, doesn't mean you don't have to. :'''Jade''': Aw..... ===''Viva Las Jackies'' [3.3]=== :'''Jade''': Are we there yet? :'''Jackie''': Patience Jade. We will not know where "there" is, until Uncle's locator spell leads us to the animal we seek. :'''Uncle''': ''[sitting in the back of the car, producing a Chi spell]'' The tiger who has inherited the Talisman power of Yin and Yang. :'''Jade''': Well make it hurry, because it reeks something fierce in here! :'''Jackie''': Are you sure the spell is accurate, Uncle? Nevada is not exactly known as tiger country. :'''Uncle''': ''Never'' mock the sock. It is our only chance of finding the tiger before the forces of darkness do. :'''Jade''': Well betcha Daolon Wong doesn't have to spend all day cooped up in a smelly car. <hr width=50%/> :''[in a car, with Daolon Wong producing a Chi spell while the Dark Enforcers drive]'' :'''Dark Ratso''': Pee-ew! Are we there yet?! :'''Dark Finn''': So, Big-D, really appreciate you turning us into superpowered Dark Chi dudes and all, but we gotta talk image. I'm not digging the whole orange vibe, and hey, these outfits kinda scream "boy band". :'''Dark Ratso''': Nah, we look like KISS! :'''Dark Chow''': We look like circus freaks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[on phone]'' Room service? Yes, please send up one bottle of eel saliva, three jars of powdered duck feet, and a pair of moose antlers. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jade interferes with the Tiger's Yin and Yang power, which was separating Jackie]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie, are you okay? :''[reveals Jackie's separation was not complete, resulting in Jackie having two heads]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': Argh... yeah. :'''Jackie-Light''': Thank you for asking. :'''Jade''': Bwah! :'''Jackie Light/Dark''': What? ''[they notice each other]'' Ah! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Hey, I have a zit! Get off of my body, or I'll pop you! ''[tries pushing his light side off]'' :'''Jackie-Light''': I do not wish to argue, but this is my body too! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Chow''': ''[upon seeing a two-headed Jackie]'' And I thought ''we'' were freaky. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': I do not see the tiger. Maybe we should split up. :''[long pause]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': So I got all the brains... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Finn''': Yo, D-Man. [[w:Star Trek (franchise)|Beam us up]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[Uncle's phone rings]'' :'''Uncle''': Room service? I have been waiting for- :'''Jackie-Light''': Uncle, thank goodness you're- :'''Uncle''': Jackie! How can you leave Uncle at a shabby hotel with no eel saliva?! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Pull your tongue out of your mouth and wring out the spit! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You call Uncle an eel?! :'''Jackie-Light''': Uncle, I'm sorry! :'''Jackie-Dark''': No I'm not. :'''Jackie-Light''': Yes I am. :'''Jackie-Dark''': No I'm not. :'''Jackie-Light''': Yes I am. :'''Uncle''': Jackie, why do you babble like a crazy person?! :'''Jackie-Light/Dark''': Because I have two heads! ===''Aztec Rat Race'' [3.4]=== :'''Jade''': ''[coming upon a field of cactus]'' Whoa, acupuncture city. :'''Jackie''': Real acupuncture is a good thing, Jade. It stimulates the energy channels, and rids the body of- ''[the Dark Enforcers suddenly appear]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Hola, Señor Chan. :'''Jackie''': Bad Chi... <hr width=50%/> :''[after [[w:Quetzalcoatl|Quetzalcoatl]] shoots a fire attack at El Toro]'' :'''Paco''': The statue can shoot fire from his hands? :'''Jade''': God of the sun, duh! <hr width=50%/> :''[while Daolon Wong expresses frustration with the Dark Enforcers failures]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Chan had a masked crime fighter with him, your worship! :'''Dark Chow''': The sun was in our eyes! :'''Dark Ratso''': We need bigger weapons! :'''Daolon Wong''': Excuses, excuses! I see that if I wish this task accomplished, I must do it myself! :'''Dark Finn''': That's cool. We'll wait here, rest up, order some Chi pizza... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uh, perhaps Quetzalcoatl would not be so angry if you prove to him you are not... you know. ''[pointing to the mask]'' :'''El Toro''': El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask! :'''Quetzalcoatl''': Unhand the princess, or face my wrath! :'''Jade''': Uh, maybe you should make an exception. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Quetzalcoatl flies after them]'' :'''Paco''': The statue can fly too?! :'''Jade''': God of the sky, duh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[on phone]'' Uncle? Now is not a good time! :'''Uncle''': What is more important than talking to Uncle? :'''Jackie''': I am in a speeding mining cart fleeing a reanimated Mayan statue trying to seize Jade so he can fly her into the sun! :'''Uncle''': Why did you not say so? It seems you have found the rat. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Quetzalcoatl traps them in a cage of vines]'' :'''Paco''': The statue can grow unbreakable vines? :'''Jade''': God of- :'''Paco''': I know, agriculture. Duh! <hr width=50/%> :'''Quetzalcoatl''': ''[about the rat]'' Such power within this small creature. ''[to Jackie and the others]'' And such courage within you. With heroes such as you protecting the land from the forces of darkness. I am content to return to my proper place ''[Quetzalcoatl touches the rat and begins to revert to a statue]'' Quetzalcoatl bids you farewell. ===''Monkey a Go-Go'' [3.5]=== :'''Daolon Wong''': You are in my soup! :'''Uncle''': Our locator spells have intersected. :'''Daolon Wong''': I will seize control of the chi waves, novice. My power is far greater... :'''Uncle''': Eeee-Ya! ''[Casts a Chi spell which results in a repetitive feedback image] :'''Uncle''': One more thing.''[blows raspberry]'' One more thing. ''[blows raspberry]'' One more thing... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Monkey Talisman ''and'' Monkey King? :'''Jade''': Coinkidink? :'''Uncle''': Forget Monkey King. We must catch Monkey ''Magic'' before Daolon Wong does. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': And you went through all the trouble to see us... why? :'''Monkey King''': Let's see, maybe... oh a little something I like to call REVENGE! <hr width=50%/> :'''Monkey King''': ''[lowering the Shapeshifting Monkey into the [[w:Mt. Kilauea|Kilauea]] volcano]'' Uh oh, my simian senses are tingling! :'''Jade''': We want our monkey, ''monkey!'' :'''Monkey King''': Oh, it's all about ''him'' isn't it?! You think he's funnier than me, don't you?! :'''Jackie''': Uh, of course not! Everyone knows that the Money King is the funniest ape of all. :'''Uncle''': I do not think he's so funny- ''[elbowed by Jade]'' :'''Money King''': Well you'll ''really'' love my ''weird'' sense of humor when you and monkey-boy are swimming in lava, 'cause I'm gonna make Kilauea blow sky-high! :'''Uncle''': The Monkey King cannot activate volcanoes! :'''Monkey King''': Just watch me, gramps! I know a family recipe! ''[begins tossing ingredients into the lava pit]'' Magic monkey syrup, pure cane sugar, one carton of aged goat milk- EEGH! ''[Daolon Wong appears behind the Monkey King]'' An untuned Hawaiian guitar, a fine tuned tuning fork, a tuna on rye, hold the mayo- :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[grabs the Monkey King]'' Talisman power, be mine! :'''Monkey King''': Paws off the fur, Shakespeare! I'm busy here! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Never thought I'd be rooting for Daolon Wong over anybody. ''[they start to run, only to be trapped by Daolon Wong]'' On second thought, go Monkey King. :'''Daolon Wong''': Monkey King? <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Aah, I should have recognized the antics of the famed prankster puppet made flesh. :'''Monkey King''' And I've got a payback gig with an exploding volcano finale, that you're messing up! :'''Daolon Wong''': So, why do I see no lava? :'''Monkey King''': Huh? ''[goes over his ingredients list again; gasp]'' I'm still three pounds of wood short of a gusher! :'''Daolon Wong''': Then for your lousy spell-making, you shall return to wood! ''[casts a Chi spell on the Monkey King]'' :'''Monkey King''': ''[turning into a puppet]'' EVERYONE'S A CRITIC! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[after the "lava" engulfs them, only revealed to be cherry gelatin]'' Cha is not so hot. ===''When Pigs Fly'' [3.6]=== :'''Farmer MacDonald''': Now what's a city feller like you want with a 280 pound Hampshire Boar? :'''Jackie''': Uh, good question, Farmer MacDonald. Well, I am an archaeologist and- :'''Farmer MacDonald''': You mean like a eye doctor? :'''Jackie''': Uh, no. That is an optometrist. Archeologists study very old things. :'''Farmer MacDonald''': Old? Mordecai ain't turned three yet! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Farm Hands attack Jackie]'' :'''Jackie''': Please, can't we just talk about- ''[attacked]'' :'''Jade''': Maybe they don't know how to talk. :'''Buford MacDonald''': My brother E.B. here graduated Stanford Phi Beta Kappy. :'''E.B. MacDonald''': And Buford here is a renowned nuclear physicist. ''[throws Jackie against a wall]'' :'''Jackie''': Dr. Buford MacDonald??? Your books are very insightful. :'''Buford MacDonald''': Thank ye. ''[punches Jackie]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Farmer MacDonald''': ''[as Jackie fights Daolon Wong]'' What in Sam Hill's nanny is going on here?! :'''Jackie''': The animals have magic powers, and dark forces have come to claim them. :''[pause]'' :'''Farmer MacDonald''': Magic? Well why didn't you just say so in the first place? <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Rooster uses its powers to lift MacDonald's entire house]'' :'''E.B. MacDonald''': They're defying the known laws of physics! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie, [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 Film)|I don't think we're in Kansas anymore]]! :'''Jackie''': Jade, bring the pig this wa- ''[runs out the door, only to nearly fall out of the flying house]'' WAH! The house is flying?! :'''Jade''': Hello? Did you not catch my Wizard of Oz reference? :'''Dark Finn''': There's no place like home... to kick your butt! ===''The Invisible Mom'' [3.7]=== :'''Jade''': Whoa. Now I see why they call this place bizarre. :'''Jackie''': Jade, it is a ''bazaar''. :'''Jade''': Anywhere grown men playing with baby toys is bizarre in my book. :'''Uncle''': Uncle is not playing. This rattle's filled with enchanted teeth of mongoose which will lead us to the snake which possesses the power of invisibility. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie lifts a basket which reveals an angered Cobra]'' :'''Uncle''': Do not even breathe. Cobras are ''very'' poisonous. :'''Jackie''': ''[frozen in fear]'' I know... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Tohru, you did not tell Uncle you invited Spider-Woman! ''[Jackie, succumbing to the snake venom, groggily falls into Uncle's arms]'' See? Even Jackie moans with displeasure at her arrival. :'''Jade''': Uh, Jackie? Are you alright? Jackie? ''[holds up fingers]'' How many fingers do you see? :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... what's a Jackie? :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' Jackie has been bitten by snake! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mama Tohru''': These strange men, they appeared out of thin air! :'''Jade''': They used to be men, now they're card-carrying members of the Forces of Darkness. :'''Uncle''': Stop them Tohru! ''[Tohru growls, ready to fight, only to be held back by his mother]'' :'''Mama Tohru''': My baby will NOT fight Forces of Darkness! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Uh, maybe we should get Jackie to a doctor. :'''Uncle''': We must find snake before Dark Forces do, then Uncle will cure Jackie. :'''Mama Tohru''': Ah, do not worry, I once television program about cobra poisoning. Jackie only at stage one: very slight dryness of mouth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[affixing cloth to his forehead]'' Y'arrr matey! :'''Jade''': Stage two? :'''Mama Tohru''': Stark-raving madness. :'''Jackie''': Yo-ho-ho! ''[begins dancing]'' :'''Mama Tohru''': Luckily stage two very brief. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Mother means well, but sometimes I think she forgets that I am a grown man. :'''Jade''': Uh, ''very'' grown. When she gets in your face, tell her to give you some space. :'''Tohru''': She would just take it the wrong way. ''[sigh]'' I love her, but sometimes I wish mother would just disappear. :'''Mama Tohru''': ''[eavesdropping while invisible]'' Oh? Be careful what you wish for, Tohru. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Chow''': ''[holding the imposter snake]'' I know three Dark Warriors who are finally about to make Daolon Wong a happy wizard. :'''Dark Finn''': Let's not be hasty. This snake can make us invisible. :'''Dark Ratso''': We can sneak into any movie we want for free! :'''Dark Finn''': ''[clears throat]'' If old crazy eyes can't see us, we can sneak up and stomp the Chi out of him. :'''Dark Chow''': And force him to turn us back into our normal old selves! :'''Dark Ratso''': Yeah! ''[they grab the snake]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Talisman power, on! :''[nothing happens]'' :'''Dark Ratso''': Hey, I can still see you guys. :'''Dark Finn''': Uh, 'cause we're ''all'' invisible? :'''Dark Chow''': Ohhhhh... :'''Dark Ratso''': I was never any good at science. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''' ''Nobody'' touches my mommy! ===''Sheep In, Sheep Out'' [3.8]=== :'''Jade''': Bah bah black sheep, have you any magic? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Finn''': Big-D! :'''Dark Ratso''': Hiya! :'''Dark Chow''': We're pumped for round two! :'''Daolon Wong''': I have no further use for those who allow themselves to be waylaid by unconscious livestock! :'''Dark Ratso''': So... we're free to go? <hr width=50%/> :''[in a shepherd's dream]'' :'''Bob''': Tasty grub you're serving here laddie, though it's not as filling as the real McCoy. Say, what's this I hear about shaving me in winter? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[surrounded by Shadowkhan]'' Uh, you wouldn't hit a guy wearing glasses, would you? <hr width=50%/> :''[surrounded by dream Shadowkhan]'' :'''Bob''': Might I request bagpipes be played at our dream funeral, lassie? :'''Jade''': ''[gets an idea]'' Oh no! The [[w:Loch Ness Monster|Loch Ness Monster]]! :''[a purple monster suddenly appears and defeats the Shadowkhan]'' :'''Bob''': Didn't think that thing existed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[finding Jackie and Jade's unconscious bodies]'' Jackie! No sleeping! ''[cuffs Jackie to no response]'' No "Ow"? :'''Jackie (Astral)''': Uncle! We're right here! :'''Jade (Astral)''': Hello? He can't see or hear you! :'''Jackie (Astral)''': Then how will he know where we are? :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' Daolon Wong now possesses the power of Astral Projection which he has inflicted upon Jackie and Jade and then applied a finishing spell so that they cannot return to their bodies! :'''Jade (Astral)''': ... And you doubted him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[in possession of Jackie's body]'' Uncle you rock! Now let's find Daolon Wong and kick some shriveled- Aah! ''[noticing her body]'' Why are there two of me? :'''Jackie''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Why is your voice coming out of my body?! :''[both scream in shock]'' :'''Uncle''': I told you Spell complicated... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' There is only one way inside. ''[coming to a dead end, he tries to wall-jump up to a window, but his short stature holds him back]'' Eh, I forgot who I wasn't... :'''Jade''': ''[in possession of Jackie's body]'' Trying to do ''this'', Jackie? ''[wall jumps up to the window with ease]'' Cool, huh? :'''Uncle''': Jade is better at being you than ''you'', Jackie. <hr width=50%/> :''[surrounded by Shadowkhan]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Stay back, Jade! :'''Jade''': ''[in possession of Jackie's body]'' Yes, ''Jade''. Maybe you ''should'' stay back. :'''Jackie''': ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Uh... okay. But I am giving you permission to defend us this one time only. :'''Jade''': ''[in possession of Jackie's body]'' I'm gonna do you proud! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[Jackie inside of Jade's body]'' (Blowing on side/front hair bangs) Jackie's voice: Jade, how do you keep these out of your eyes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[Jackie inside Jade's body]'' Jackie's voice: Tsk. When in Jade, do like Jade. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[Jade inside of Jackie's body]'' Jade's voice: So, uncle, can I keep the skin a while longer? (talking about staying in Jackie's body for a bit longer) ===''Rabbit Run'' [3.9]=== :'''Jade''': Hey, sorry I goofed on you back there, Chip. :'''Chip''': Whatever. It's tough enough getting Coach to take me seriously. I don't need your help in that department. :'''Jade''': Tch. Listen Chip, if there's one rule Jade Chan lives by, it's this: If coach won't give you a shot, you have to put yourself in the game. :'''Chip''': You're just a little girl. What do you know about football? :'''Jade''': Let's just say my coach doesn't always put me in the game, but I know you can't make the big plays from the sidelines. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie! You are terrible rabbit catcher! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chip''': Sir, you are in possession of Warren Oates Memorial High Football Team property! ''[Daolon Wong hisses at Chip]'' What school are you from? :'''Jackie''': ''[speeding by on rollerblades; takes the rabbit]'' I will not bring it back later, thank you! :'''Chip''': How many schools are trying to nab him? <hr width=50%/> :''[at a High School football game]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Gan, Ren, Chui! ''[summons the Dark Enforcers]'' :'''Dark Chow''': Hey football! :'''Dark Finn''': Bonding time, eh Big-D? :'''Dark Ratso''': ''[hugging Daolon]'' We knew you were one of us! <hr width=50%/> :''[leading the Cheerleaders in a new chant]'' :'''Jade''': Give me a Di! :'''Cheerleaders''': Di! :'''Jade''': Give me a Zao! :'''Cheerleaders''': Zao! :'''Jade''': Put that together, and what do you have? :'''Cheerleaders''': ''[dancing]'' Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao! Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao! :''[the cheering gives Uncle a magic boost, helping him overcome Daolon Wong's magic]'' :'''Uncle''': Go Jackalopes! ===''A Jolly J-Team Xmas'' [3.10]=== :'''Santa Claus''': Oh my. <hr width=50%/> :'''Santa Claus''': If you come for a gift, well I'm afraid you've just made the naughty list. :'''Daolon Wong''': Your Chi is the only gift I require. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Thank you! Merry Christmas! Bye bye! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Jade''': Are you sure Uncle isn't running a fever? :'''Jackie''': Jade, Uncle loves Christmas. It is when sales are best. ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': Commercialism not important! Christmas spirit ''is.'' ''[puts Santa Hat on Jackie's head]'' :'''Tohru''': ''[walks in with a tray of cookies]'' Aah, Mother's recipe. :'''Uncle''': ''[obviously lying]'' Yes. And.. we will be so... happy to see her for the holidays, Tohru. :'''Jade''': ''Weird.'' :'''Tohru''': We must leave some out for ''you know who.'' :'''Jackie''': Who? ''[Tohru grows worried when they see Jade standing behind them]'' Oh! I mean uh, I am sure Santa will be very hungry tonight. ''[Tohru chuckles]'' :'''Jade''': Tch. Nice try. But I'm old enough to know the low down on the Kris Kringle scam. :'''Tohru''': Jade, you do not believe in Santa Claus? :'''Jade''': Sure I do. Just like I believe the Tooth Fairy, right Jackie? :''[flashback; Jackie tries to place a dollar under Jade's pillow only to be caught by her] :'''Jade''': Gotcha! :''[back to the present]'' :'''Jackie''': I told you the Tooth Fairy was sick and I was filling in. :'''Uncle''': Tooth fairy does not exist. :'''Jade''': Ha! See? :'''Uncle''': But Santa Claus does. :'''Jade''': Huh? :'''Uncle''': I have research to prove it. <hr width=50%/> :''[doorbell rings]'' :'''Tohru''': ''[answers the door excited]'' Mommy! ''[hugs and kisses the occupant at the door, only to realize it's actually Captain Black]'' Captain Black?! I am sorry. ''[puts him down]'' :'''Captain Black''': That's alright, Tohru. I'm often mistaken for elderly Japanese women. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': What would Daolon Wong want with Santa? :'''Jackie''': Uh, revenge for years of coal? <hr width=50%/> :'''Viper''': You brought an elf to a Hanukkah party? <hr width=50%/> :'''Santa Claus''': Strange friend, your desire for cheese will not prevail against good. :'''Daolon Wong''': ''CHI, not cheese!'' ''[fires a blast of Dark Chi magic]'' :'''Santa Claus''': Oh my. <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Bah, humbug! ===''Little Valmont, Big Jade'' [3.11]=== :'''Valmont''': Me, Valmont, mastermind of the Dark Hand, fleeing authorities like a common- ''[bumps into Daolon Wong, causing him to drop his belongings]'' :'''Daolon & Valmont''': You! :'''Daolon Wong''': The supplies for my locator spell! You shall suffer for what you have done! :'''Valmont''': What ''I'' have done? You transformed my enforcers into samurai zombies! I've been reduced to performing my own dirty work! ''[grabs Daolon Wong]'' Return Finn, Ratso, and Chow to me at once! :'''Daolon Wong''': Ha! Why would Daolon Wong heed the demands of an insignificant pickpocket? :'''Valmont''': B- Because I'm bigger than you! :'''Daolon Wong''': Oh? ''[blasts Valmont with Dark Chi magic, transforming him into a child]'' Not anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': The whole time I've been in America, I haven't grown one inch. I'll never grow up, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Patience, Jade. Enjoy your childhood while it lasts. :'''Jade''': Tch. I have a billion years of school left. I can't reach anything in the freezer and I never get invited on your missions. Way enjoyable. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': While Uncle and I search for the horse, you two will wait here and stay out of trouble. :'''Jade''': Aw... :'''Young Valmont''': Now see here, just because I look like a child doesn't mean you can treat me like one! :'''Jackie''': I am treating you like a criminal. ''Tohru'' will treat you like a child. :'''Tohru''': Now... ''[pops knuckles]'' Are you going to be a ''good'' little boy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Taxi Driver''': Where to, little man? :'''Young Valmont''': Kempton Race Course, and if you call me that again, I will have you eliminated. <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Gan, Ren, Chui! :''[summons the Dark Enforcers]'' :'''Dark Finn''' I'm Finn, he's Ratso, that's Chow. Would it kill you to learn our names? :'''Daolon Wong''': The horse! :''[the Dark Enforcers seize Young Valmont from the horse]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Okay stretchy, get off your high horse. :'''Young Valmont''': Unhand me, you buffoons! :'''Dark Chow''': Whoa! :'''Dark Finn''': It's Big-V! :'''Dark Ratso''': And he's mini! :'''Young Valmont''': Indeed. I attempted to liberate you three, and that rancid prune of a wizard burdened me with this juvenile curse! :'''Dark Finn''': Whoa, you tried to rescue us? :'''Dark Ratso''': Aw. :'''Dark Chow''': We didn't know you cared! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie, stop horsing around! <hr width=50%/> :''[attacking Giant Jade]'' :'''Dark Finn''': You're going down, Queen Kong! :'''Dark Ratso''': The bigger they are, the harder they- ''[Giant Jade immediately defeats them by stepping on them]'' :'''Young Valmont''': They ''didn't'' see that coming?! Honestly, why did I ever want them back?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Giant Jade''': Just call me Jade-zilla! ===''The Ox-Head Incident'' [3.12]=== :'''Uncle''': We must bring the ox to the sanctuary of the Ben-Shui Temple before the forces of Dark Chi descend upon us. :'''Dark Finn''': ''[suddenly appear]'' Consider yourselves descended upon, Gramps. :'''Dark Chow''': ''[as they corner all but Jade against a cliff]'' You know how much we care about you guys, but Daolon Wong been riding us to get rid of you once and for all. :'''Dark Ratso''': We're sure gonna miss you. :'''Dark Finn''': Say "goodbye", Chan. :''[the Dark Enforcers are suddenly crushed by a falling boulder that Jade sets free]'' :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... Goodbye Chan? <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': I understand you have been seeking the powers of the Talismans, witch doctor. Allow me to suggest you end your quest for the Ox, as it is a power ''I'' intend to obtain! ''[is immediately immobilized by Daolon Wong]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Then obtain it, dear warrior... ''for me!'' ''[transforms him into a Dark Chi warrior]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''[jumping incredibly high]'' Phoenix flies to moon! :'''Jackie''': Huh? :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''[speeding back in a dazzling fireball]'' Meteor brings mass extinction! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Hak Foo''': Tornado decimates trailer park! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[holding a very large boulder]'' Hak Foo! This is where you go poof. :''[hurls the boulder at Hak Foo, who doesn't move; the boulder hits him, only to shatter, not even phasing Hak Foo]'' :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''I'' do not ''poof.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': ''[in a magic orb]'' So, you want a piece of Uncle? I will just require my other pieces first. :'''Daolon Wong''': If you ever want to see your pieces again, surrender the location of the ox power! :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': Very well. You may find what you are looking for in a secret case, very close to- ''[blows raspberry]'' :'''Daolong Wong''': Fool! The Orb of Q'uan Lo will reveal your secrets, exposing those thoughts you hold most dear! ''[a sandwich appears in the orb]'' Mung bean sandwich??? :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': Uncle is hungry. :'''Daolon Wong''': I shall peel back the layers! ''[another image appears in the orb of Uncle spanking Daolon Wong while he cries]'' What is this? :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': Your destiny, evil one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': I will transfer the power back into the Ox with Tohru's help. My apprentice will make a fine wizard someday! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': '' Jade, please keep the birds off your uncle. :'''Jade''': '' Aw... ===''Animal Crackers'' [3.13]=== :'''Dark Hak Foo''': Pterodactyl snatches ox! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': You can finish introductions later, Jade. It's almost time for school. :'''Jade''': ''[gasp]'' School?! :'''Jackie''': All good things must come to an end, even Spring Break. <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': My enemies possess nine Talisman powers, and I only possess two?! ''[seemingly points to Hak Foo]'' I have you to thank for that! :'''Dark Ratso''': Hak Foo! :'''Dark Finn''': Sheesh! :'''Dark Chow''': Get with the program, will ya? :'''Daolon Wong''': I meant ''all'' of you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drew''': ''[seeing Jade's exhibit of the Talisman animals]'' No way! A petting zoo? :'''Jade''': Look. Don't touch. :'''Drew''': Where did you get all these?! :'''Jade''': These, Drew, just happen to be the animals I- ''[catches herself]'' borrowed from my cousin. The zookeeper. :'''Drew''': ''[suspiciously]'' Hey... These are the ''magic'' animals aren't they?! :'''Jade''': No! I mean- ''[chuckles]'' You got me Drew, I was making all that magic stuff up the whole time. Me and my imagination. ===''Tohru Who?'' [3.14]=== :'''Valmont''': Rise and shine, Tohru. :'''Tohru''': ''[waking up]'' Where am I? ''Who'' am I? :'''Valmont''': You are Tohru, my most loyal henchman. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': I am Valmont. Don't you remember me? :'''Tohru''': I remember nothing. :'''Valmont''': ''[to himself]'' Jolly good potion. ''[to Tohru]'' It would seem you are the victim of amnesia. Allow me to fill in some blanks. I am the leader of the Dark Hand, a premiere crime syndicate, and you work for me. :'''Tohru''': ''[looking around at Valmont's rundown apartment]'' "Premiere crime syndicate"? :'''Valmont''': Um, a temporary setback, I assure you. But it was only yesterday that you and I were at the top of our game! ''[shows him a photo album of him during his Dark Hand days]'' See? You made the FBI's Most Wanted, three years running. :'''Tohru''': Oh, so it is true... But how? :'''Valmont''': Our nemesis must have throttled you famously for your entire memory to just up and vanish. :'''Tohru''': Nemesis? :'''Valmont''': ''[flips a page]'' Jackie Chan. :'''Tohru''': Chan will pay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[finding Tohru stretching in a temple]'' Tohru! :'''Uncle''': ''[relieved]'' He is safe. :'''Jade''': What's he doing? :'''Uncle''': It would seem my apprentice seeks inner peace, so I will ''give'' him piece... OF UNCLE for making us worry ourselves sick! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Many thanks for your help, Chan. A shame Tohru must render you senseless so we may get on with our crime unhindered. Tohru, if you please? :'''Tohru''': No. :'''Valmont''': What do you mean, no?! :'''Tohru''': You were not so loyal to your loyal henchman. :'''Valmont''': Well, I- I was simply hoping to duck away and find a large mallet with which to assist. :'''Tohru''': Something inside tells me that Jackie is my friend. :'''Valmont''': And something inside tells me that you are forgetting who is boss! ===''Re-Enter the Dragon'' [3.15]=== :'''Daolon Wong''': Your answer, most malevolent of fire-breathers? :'''Shendu''': ''[in spirit form]'' It would seem you have summoned me merely to humor me, wizard. For to obtain the power of combustion, you would require a living ''earth-bound'' dragon... which I am not. :'''Daolon Wong''': You underestimate my talents, Lord Shendu. As the most malevolent of Dark Chi masters, I know a multitude of ancient spells, some of which might restore you. :'''Shendu''': Aah, then you may have my rightful power, Daolon Wong, if you find a spell that will allow me to live again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Ratso''': Hey, backyard barbecue! :'''Dark Chow''': What are we grilling? :'''Dark Hak Foo''': JACKIE CHAN! :'''Dark Finn''': Let's tenderize him! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''[fighting Tohru]'' Hurricane kick! Earthquake fist! Asteroid belt! ''[kicks Tohru near the lava pool and lunges at him]'' Meteor pummels mountain! :''[Tohru simply steps aside, and Hak Foo lands in the lava pool]'' :'''Tohru''': Hot bath. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': It is great to be back. :'''Dark Finn''': Yo... Shen-dude! :'''Dark Chow''': Uh, long time, no... breathe. :'''Dark Ratso''': Yeah, happy... rebirthday. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the power of combustion is revealed]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Yes! My prize approaches! The power of combustion... :''[Shendu knocks him aside]'' :'''Shendu''': BELONGS TO ''ME''! ''[absorbs the Talisman Power]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Aah, feel the burn! ''[wipes out the Dark Enforcers]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': But brother of darkness, we had an arrangement! :'''Shendu''': I may be a noble Dragon, but I am also a demon sorcerer, and not known for keeping promises. :'''Daolon Wong''': I still possess two Talisman Powers with which to destroy you! ''[fires his heat beam eyes at Shendu, only to have Shendu immediately absorb his powers]'' :'''Shendu''': Levitation! Heat beam eyes! What thoughtful birthday presents. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the Enforcers are transformed back into their human selves]'' :'''Hak Foo''': We are weak! :'''Ratso''': We're human! :'''Chow''': We're free! :'''Finn''': Nuh-uh... ''[seeing Captain Black with handcuffs]'' Busted. <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Mr. Wong, you're under arrest. ===''A Night at the Opera'' [3.16]=== :''[as Jade plays a video game in her seat]'' :'''Uncle''': Jade, pay attention. :''[Jade groans as Uncle takes away her game, then Uncle notices Jackie working]'' :'''Jackie''': Uh, I am multi-tasking. :'''Uncle''': ''[Uncle takes away his notepad]'' Now you are ''one''-tasking! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[to Jackie and Tohru]'' So you think Uncle's old friend calls him "Uncle" too? :'''Wing''': ''[to Uncle]'' Chuckles, is that you? :''' Jackie, Tohru, and Jade''': ''[to each other]'' Huh?? Chuckles?? :'''Uncle''':Beetlebrow! :'''Wing''': So, you remember your nickname for me after 60 years? :'''Uncle''': Ha ha ha! Who can forget those fuzzy caterpillars living over your eyes? :'''Wing''': And your never-ending pranks and gift of laughter. :'''Jade''': ''[turning to Jackie}'' Is he talking about the same guy? :'''Wing''': So, you have come to see my "family" at work. *the background actors exchange slight bows with Uncle out of respect* :'''Uncle''': And to introduce my family to you. My nephew Jackie... :'''Wing''': Ah, yes! Butterfingers. :'''Jackie''': Uh, hello. I have heard so much about you. I am sorry I have to run. I am mounting an exhibit at the pacific Asia museum. Uh... Bye-bye. *Jackie leaves* :'''Uncle''':Please excuse his manners. (Proudly) And this is my apprentice tohru. (Video game pings) (Clears throat) :'''Tohru''': This alarm tells me I must tend to the shop now. A pleasure meeting you. *waves bye* *Tohru leaves* :'''Uncle''': And last, but not least, my great-niece Jade. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wing''': I will always wish the opera had kept you, my friend. :'''Uncle''': That is my cue to say goodbye. ''[Uncle starts to leave, then stops and turns around]'' One more thing, I hope it will not be another 60 years before we meet again, Beetlebrow. :'''Wing''': As do I, Chuckles. ===''Attack of the J-Clones'' [3.17]=== :'''Tohru''': Not the stairs! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Chang has two hands, because ''that'' is not really Chang. It is his magical duplicate! :'''Captain Black''': You mean, we're dealing with ''clones''?! :'''Uncle''': Aiya! Who said anything about clowns?! We are facing forces more powerful than the circus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Duplicates are imperfect. They contain flaws, like Chang's extra hand, but each is more powerful than its human counterpart due to its magic. :'''Jade''': Aw, we can take them Unc. We'll face off in the epic battle royale! Human vs clone, good vs evil, Jade vs Jade! :'''Uncle''': You missed Uncle's point! Magic must defeat magic! :''["Jackie" enters the room]'' :'''Viper''': Look who decided to show. :'''Jackie Clone''': Sorry I am late. :'''Uncle''': Now, one more thing. We must be very watchful for these defective duplicates. :''[Jackie enters the room in a rush]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle, we must watch out for- :'''Tohru''': It is Jackie's Clone! :'''Jackie''': What?! ''[sees his clone]'' No! Wait! ''[is tackled by the J-Team]'' I am me! ''He'' is not me! :'''Jackie Clone''': Tricky clone, isn't he? :'''El Toro''': Which is the real Jackie Chan? :'''Captain Black''': I have a little quiz only the real Jackie could answer. Jackie, when is my birthday? :'''Jackie and Jackie Clone''': Oh... uh... :'''Captain Black''': ''[bummed out]'' Jackie, I thought we were pretty good friends... :'''Jade''': Ahem. Hey Jackie, will you take me to Moose World this weekend? :'''Jackie Clone''': Of course! :'''Jackie''': -not! You have homework! :'''Jade''': ''[points to the clone]'' There's your clone. :''[pause; Jackie's clone kicks the door down and runs off]'' :'''Jackie Clone''': Sorry, I'll be back to destroy you later, thank you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[when Paco's clone is revealed]'' Paco has a clone and I don't?! Way unfair! :'''Uncle''': We are in great danger! :'''El Toro''': Paco, please! Say it is not so! :'''Paco Clone''': But it is! And now, I will destroy you all. ''MWAHAHAHA!'' ==Season 4== ===''The Masks of the Shadowkhan'' [4.1]=== :'''Jade''': ''Dullsville''. :'''Jackie''': No, the capital of [[w:Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]] is [[w:Atlanta|Atlanta]]. Jade, you're geography test is tomorrow. Let's try Oregon. :'''Jade''': Why does Tohru get to study the fun stuff?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': My tattoo just have to be gnarrled. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Yes! ''[Jackie catches her]'' :'''Jackie''': 50 states, 50 capitals. :'''Jade''': ''[Groaning]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Wah! :'''Jade''': Before you get mad, listen. The capital of Kansas is Kansas city. :'''Jackie''': The capital is Topeka and that is not the point! :'''Jade''': Uh, oh. ''[Stares at Tarakudo]'' Whoa. :'''Tarakudo''': You. ''[Recognizes Jade]'' Ah, the former queen of the ShadowKhan returning to the forces of darkness. ''[Jackie swoops up Jade]'' :'''Jackie''': Thank you, no. Not today! :'''Jade''': Er... What Jackie said. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Let me guess. Mr. Creepyhead? :'''Jackie''': ''[Gasps]'' Jade, you're suppose to be with Captain Black! :'''Jade''': Thought I should be here in case you fall another plane. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': And what do they want with these disobedient children? ''[Jade sticks her tongue and raspberry him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Feh. Floating head cannot be oni! :'''Tohru''': It can't? :'''Uncle''': Of course not! Everyone who has control the ShadowKhan has been Chinese! Shendu, Chinese! Daolon Wong, Chinese but oni are Japanese. ''[Uncle hears the beeping sound coming from Jackie's laptop]'' :'''Jackie''': Radar indicates Dark Hand jet has landed in Hong Kong. :'''Uncle''': See? Hong Kong, Chinese. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[angry grunt]'' I wanted that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': Uh, I read Japanese, but it has been many years in fact I am probably too shakey so forget that I... :'''Uncle''': Tohru, read country now! :'''Tohru''': Yes, sensei. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': The genchi tell of ancient warriors who once cast a spell to defeat this oni trapping its spirit within the mask. The key ingredient was Japanese steel specially forged for samurai sword. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': It goes on to say that Tarakudo once terrorized the land of the trusted oni generals. Each demon general control its own army which was composed of different tribe of ShadowKhan. ''[Jackie slaps his forehead]'' :'''Jade''': Uh... Different how? :'''Jackie''': I will prefer not to find out. :'''Tohru''': Tarakudo's reign came to an end when the spirits of his generals were trapped within masks. 9 generals,9 masks. :'''Jade''': 9 different types of ShadowKhan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Let me guess. The masks were scattered across the Earth? :'''Tohru''': Yep. Uh.... One more thing. Should the 9 masks ever be rejoined their combined power summon enough ShadowKhan to engulf the entire Earth eternal darkness. :'''Uncle''': Aiya! Tohru, you must do research! :'''Tohru''': He must? :'''Uncle''': You were told by childhood tales of oni by mother. You read Japanese, you are Japanese so you must do research! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Peek-a-boo! ===''Samurai Ratso'' [4.2]=== :''[Tohru holds an onion up to Tarakudo menacingly]'' :'''Tarakudo''': Whoa! easy with that veggie, big fella. ''[Tohru tosses it at him]'' Aah! My eyes! My eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, go with Uncle. :'''Jade''': Aw. ''[Jade goes with Uncle until Tohru and Jackie wave goodbye to him as the train speeds off]'' :'''Jade''': I miss him already. :'''Jackie''': Jade! I told you to go with Uncle! Not stay with...Uncle. :'''Jade''': Tch. No wonder I'm confused. Too many uncles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': ''[Groans]'' I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Karaoke break, anyone? :'''Jackie''': Jade, the first rule of research is patience. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': You have the willies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[Groans]'' I wanted that mask! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Being away from my shop for so long makes me... nervous? :'''Jackie''': Uncle? :'''Uncle''': ''[Sighs]'' I'm only getting in your way. Tohru has knowledge of Japanese which Uncle does not, Tohru gets willies from oni which Uncle does not, Tohru knows tricks with vegetables which Uncle does... ===''The Amazing T-Troop'' [4.3]=== :'''Jade''': Jackie, Scruffy hates puppy prison. How long we keep tormenting him this way? :'''Jackie''': Jade, Scruffy must attend obdient school until he learns to listen. No doubt he takes after his master. :'''Jade''': Har, har. Look I can prove Scuffy obeys all my commands. You ready, boy? Play dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Oh, ''[chuckles]'' Jade,why don't you stay here and help Uncle find Farmer McDonald and his friends more appropriate logics. :'''Jade''': Aw.... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Wrong museum, Jackie. Mask is Japanese, not Jurassic. :'''Jackie''': Jade! I thought I told you to help Farmer McDonald find a place to stay? :'''Jade''': Tch. Did. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing the T-troop]'' :'''Tarakudo''': This is your team, Mr. Chan? A child, a ham, a stuffed moose ''[laughs]'' and a flying chicken? ===''Black Magic'' [4.4]=== :'''Jackie''': Why did I let you talk me into this? :'''Jade''': You said it yourself, Jackie. You're too fat. :'''Jackie''': I said, I am too heavy to climb the totem pole without risk of damaging it, Jade. :'''Jade''': Heavy, fat. Same dif. Hey! He looks just like his mugshot! :'''Hak Foo''': ''[Breaks down the trees]'' It will fit smugly... upon my face! Flying squirrel cracks acorns! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': Oh, I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Jade! :'''Jade''': You watch Captain Black's back and I watch yours. ===''The Demon Behind'' [4.5]=== :'''Jackie''': Eee-Yah! Not! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': ''[Groans]'' I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Go, go, go! :'''Finn, Ratso, and Chow''': Not! :'''Ratso''': ''[Chuckles evilly]'' Look what washed up on deck. :'''Jackie''': Jade, what are you doing here? :'''Jade''': Heh heh. Looks like I'm catch of the day. :'''Finn''': Gimme back my mask, Chan. :'''Chow''': Or it's anchor's away for your niece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> ''[The mask activates and ends on Finn's butt]'' :'''Finn''': Aah! This is not happening! This is not happening! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso''': Not! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chow''': Demon magic, here I come! :'''Finn''': Not! You clowns had your Shadow be a ninja masters and you blew it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': One more thing... :'''Tohru''': No more things! :'''Uncle''': ''[Gasps]'' You disrespect Uncle?! Uncle took you in, put roof over your head, put food in your belly lots of food! And this is how you repay me?! :'''Tohru''': I cook, I clean, I travel the world to be smothered by fish! And you thank me by demanding "Many more things!" :'''Tohru and Uncle''': I will never speak to you again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': The demon from planet Ur... :'''Jackie''': Jade! :'''Jade''': Er... Neptune! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, please. :'''Uncle''': No, Uncle has it coming. ''[hits himself]'' Uncle had opportunity to warn Tohru, but did he? No! All because of silly argument. Now my apprentice is in danger of becoming demon. ''[hits himself]'' One more thing, Tohru was right. Uncle says "one more thing" too often. ===''Fright Fight Night'' [4.6]=== :'''Jackie''': Trick for you, treat for me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade scares Jackie off as he was screaming]'' :'''Jade''': ''[Angry growl]'' :'''Jackie''': Wah! Jade! :'''Jade''': Who is Jade?! I am the Oni Voodoo, mystress of dark. :'''Jackie''': Oh, Makeup? ''[Groans]'' Jade, you shouldn't scare people like that. :'''Jade''': Tch. Scaring is the whole point on Halloween, Jackie. And I have to win the scariest costume award at school tonight. :'''Jackie''': But all things you have to choose... :'''Jade''': I don't know anything scarier than oni demon, do you? ''[Grabs Jackie's hand]'' Now, come on! Time's are wasting! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tarakudo''': ''[Tsking]'' Chan, no mask. ''[Placing a pumpkin on Jackie's head]'' Much better. Jackie-O-Lantern. And now, I'll send you to the pumpkin patch. <hr width="50%/> :'''Paco''': ''[Wearing mask, seeing Tarakudo for first time]'' Are you the Great Pumpkin? :'''Tarakudo''': Erm, yes. <hr width="50%/> :'''Tarakudo''': Pop quiz: Why is Jackie Chan not also here searching for the mask? :'''Chow''': Uh... :'''Tarakudo''': Answer: Because Mr. Chan already has the mask. :'''Ratso''': Oh! I knew that. :'''Tarakudo''': End of quiz. Now for the pop. ===''The Shadow Eaters'' [4.7]=== :'''Jackie''': Jade, where is the mask? :'''Hak Foo''': ''[Groans]'' At last! :'''Jade''': Uh... Found it. :'''Hak Foo''': And now, Chans. Prepare to make the fiercest tribe of ShadowKhan yet, mine! Demon summons ninja army! :''[Jackie and Jade gasp with horror, but it is revealed his ShadowKhan are only a few centimeters tall]'' :'''Hak Foo''': They're...they are...they are so... :'''Jade''': Cute! :'''Hak Foo''': Demon compensates for inferior ninja army! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hak Foo sends Jackie by throwing him to the alligators by chomping him up]'' :'''Jade''': No! :'''Jackie''': WaAh! :'''Jade''': Jackie, grab on! ''[The alligators gobble him up in the bottom of the water]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Hak Foo''': I will not see you later, alligator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': ''[A tiny Shadowkhan lands on his shoulder]'' Huh? ''[He looks up as more and more appear on the ledge and start jumping down on him until he is up to his waist in tiny Shadowkhan]'' :'''Jade''': Whoa! Ninja swarm! Don't worry, Jackie! No shadow, no lunch! :'''Jackie''': ''[struggling as the tiny Shadowkhan horde grabs him and throws him into the light of a streetlamp—directly after the horde aggressively runs toward him, now that his shadow is vulnerable]'' Uh oh...! ''[desperately tries to turn on his vacuum—unsuccessfully]'' :''[Jade suddenly appears, chi-geared-up with her working vacuum, and suctions the mini Shadowkhan away]'' :'''Jade''': You've been hosed! :''[The Shadowkhan are sucked up; Jackie exhales in relief]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[genuine, sincere tone]'' Thank you, Jade. :''[Jade reacts with a bashful reaction to the praise: lets out a girlish giggle, shifts into a coy posture/turns her body slightly, flashes a wide grin, blinks twice in quick succession as the scene transitions away to Uncle Chan doing research]'' ===''Half a Mask of Kung-Fu'' [4.8]=== :'''Hak Foo''': SCREAMING EAGLE FEET! ''[kicks at Jackie, only to end up piercing the bottom of his foot on the horn of a skull stuck on Jackie's head]'' AAH! Crying puppy feet! Crying puppy feet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Uncle sends you to find Oni mask and you return with gibberish? :'''Jade''': Hello! It's not gibberish; it's a site on the Web. :'''Uncle''': Ooh, the mask has been taken by giant spider? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[watching Jade use her laptop]'' Jade, why did you not tell Uncle your waffle iron was magic? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': You're FilthyRich1? :'''Jade''': But you're not rich, just- :'''Valmont''': I am fully aware of the irony! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': The mask is evil, Jade. It is only a matter of time before it turns you evil too. :'''Jade''': ''[wearing half of an Oni mask]'' Tch, I can handle it. One, it's only half the evil of a regular mask. And two... ''[demonic voice]'' the next time you call me crazy, I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR ''BRAINS!'' ''[regular voice]'' ...Hehe, see your point. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': We have to find the delivery truck. :'''Jade''': No problem, Jackie. I'll just order my half-a-khan to chase it down and ''[demonic voice]'' feast upon the delicious gray matter of the helpless mortal inside! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, the evil within you is growing stronger. You must resist it until we can find the potion. :'''Jade''': Well, we better find it fast, 'cause your brains are starting to smell awful yummy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[cell phone rings]'' Hello? ''[hands it to Jade]'' It's for you. :'''Tohru''': Jade, we were in the middle of a big auction and then all the icons disappeared. :'''Jade''': No problem, T. Just click on the blinking Super-Moose in the corner and ''[demonic voice]'' SURRENDER YOUR SOUL TO THE FORCES OF DARKNESS! :'''Tohru''': Uh... I will figure it out on my own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': Hey, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': ''[Gasps]'' ===''The Good Guys'' [4.9]=== :'''Finn''': No way are we handing over our life savings to someone who looks like a pizza boy. :'''Strikemaster Ice''': Yo yo yo. This is one pizza boy who's going to serve up an extra large whupping with ''extra'' cheese! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Easy does it, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': WaAh! Jade, why do you have to show up every time?! :'''Jade''': Cause' you miss me if I didn't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Let's finish him off! ''[Ratso and Chow stops her]'' :'''Chow''': Now, Jade. :'''Ratso''': You know your Uncle Jackie will not approve. :'''Jade''': Aw... ===''J2'' [4.10]=== :'''Jade''': Is it just me, or this place a dump? :'''Jackie''': Jade, what are you doing here? :'''Jade''': Spending Chinese New Year with my love ones. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade. :'''Jade and Future Jade''': Yes, Jackie? :'''Jackie''': Explain? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade''': Soon after I became Section 13's head honcho, sunny boy made it to the top of our most wanted list. Luckily, I convinced you and Uncle to became Section 13's official magic consultants. :'''Jackie''': ''[Shocked]'' You mean, I ''never leave Section 13!?'' :'''Future Jade''': ''[Shrugs]'' But even you and Uncle couldn't prevent what happened next, Junior dusted off an old spell of his dad's. And conquered an army of dragon minions giving more enough muscle to take over Section 13. I soon realized the only way to save the future was to change the past. ''[Flashback, escapes Drago's dragon troop]'' It took some dueling, but I escaped Drago's troops. ''[Uses time portal by entering the past]'' But Junior got wise my plan and hitch on the ride on Uncle's spell. :'''Jade''': Whoa. So all this already happened? In the future? :'''Jackie''': There is one thing you have not told us, what exactly is Drago trying to stop you for changing in the past? :'''Future Jade''': He's trying to stop me from preventing resurrection of his father. :'''Jackie''': Shendu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Say, are you sure he's Shendu's kid? :'''Future Jade''': Who? The Tooth Fairy here? :'''Jade''': Tch. I mean Shendu had edge, but this Drago dude's more like... :'''Future Jade''': A gecko with zits? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hey, do I ever get braces? :'''Future Jade''': No. :'''Jade''': Acne? :'''Future Jade''': Some. :'''Jade''': Wild stunts like those? :'''Future Jade''': Section 13 standard wear. :'''Jade''': I grew up to be a Section 13 agent? :'''Future Jade''': Boss. You take... I took over for Captain Black after he was transferred the east coast to start up Section 14. :'''Jade''': Me?! The big chief of Section 13?! We rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Oh, do you have to go back so soon? We haven't gone rollerblading, or-or mastered the Pukenator at Moose World. :'''Future Jade''': Been there, done that. Besides don't you think... :'''Jade''': Hanging around with myself is a little weird? Yeah, we'd probably just sit around all day finishing... :'''Jade And Future Jade''': Each other's sentences. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade''': You were supposed to stay put. :'''Jade''': Tch. You know me better than that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': ''[Groans]'' I think I'm gonna hurl! :'''Future Jade''': This is from the girl who rode the pukenator 10 times in a row in Moose World? :'''Jade''': Hey, how did you know that? :'''Future Jade''': Talk later. :'''Jade''': Now, wait a second. :'''Future Jade''': We have to keep moving, Jade. Trust me. :'''Jade''': Uncle Jackie never told me to... :'''Future Jade''': Never trust strangers, never chew with your mouth open, and never spit into the wind. Duh. :'''Jade''': Whoa, time out! Are you... ''[The woman removes her hat and sunglasses revealing herself to be an adult version of Jade]'' :'''Future Jade''': You? Took you long enough. :'''Jade''': If you're me, then you must be... from the future. :'''Future Jade''': Double bonus score. :'''Jade''': But, how? Why? :'''Future Jade''': I'll give you the download on the way. ''[Whistles for taxi]'' :'''Jade''': I learned to whistle like that? Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': So they have time machines in the future? :'''Future Jade''': How old do I look? I used one of Uncle's spells. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': So, why did you just tell Jackie and Uncle who you were back there? :'''Future Jade''': Didn't have time to convince them. Too busy to save the future. :'''Jade''': From what? ''[Gasps]'' :'''Future Jade''': Him, Shendu's son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': That's how you blew him in the junkyard! :'''Future Jade''': The Dragon Talisman. Never leave the future without it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Drago's a hothead. :'''Future Jade''': Like father, like son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Good news is, we still have one just like it in the vault at Section 13. :'''Future Jade''': Bad news is, we're not ''at'' Section 13. <hr width="50%"/> [Jade and Future Jade got startled] :'''Jade''': Heh. Parade float. :'''Future Jade''': Heh. Chinese New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': You distract Lizard lips and I'll jump him from behind. :'''Future Jade''': If Drago bumps you off in the present, I can pop off out of existence. And the future will be history. :'''Jade''': Whoa. This time travel stunt is freaky. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Look. Jade has nothing to do with this. :'''Two Jades''': Talk later! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade''': I didn't intend to involve you guys, but I arrived a lot later than I hoped. Heh. Never tested Uncle's spell. :'''Jackie''': ''[Groans]'' And I thought one Jade gave me a headache. But why did you come back here? :'''Jade''': Duh. Isn't it obvious? Future me is so mega bad that dragon boy had to come back to the past to rebel me out long just as squirt. So I surf time to protect myself and kick his scaley butt all the way back to the future. :'''Jackie''': Then why did Drago leave without chop ruling you? :'''Jade''': Well, because... Yeah. Why did Drago leave? :'''Future Jade''': Because he has bigger fish to fry. :'''Jackie''': How much bigger? :'''Future Jade''': I didn't follow Drago here. Drago followed me. To keep me from putting ambush on the age of dragons. :'''Jade''': Age of dragons? :'''Jackie''': I do not like the sound of that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade''': Stay here. :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade''': Oh almost forgot *leans in to whisper to Jade* pop quiz tomorrow in spelling, study chapter 8 ===''The J-Tots'' [4.11]=== :'''Jackie Tot''': Jade! :'''Jade''': I know... I am so grounded. :'''Jackie Tot''': No! Kids against grown ups! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Viper Tot''': Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man, bake me a cake like Jackie Chan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Jackie, I patched a mondo plan to take down the J team's arch nemesis our enemy Chang . Tell you all about it on the way to Section 13. ''[being grabbed]'' :'''Jackie''': The only plan, Jade, is for you to stay here with Uncle. :'''Jade''': ''[Angry grunt]'' Jackie never listens, doesn't he realize I'm only the member with the brains behind the J team? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helga Sorenson rolls down the long stairs]'' :'''Tohru''': I told you, I do not fight women. ===''Déjà Vu'' [4.12]=== :'''Uncle''': ''[Gasps]'' The dark chi master himself. :'''Jade''': Tch. The sly niece meister herself. ''[Shows the Deja Vu stone]'' :'''Uncle''': The Deja Vu Stone. :'''Jackie''': Jade. :'''Jade''': Come on, Jackie. I helped saved the day 72 times. The world's half a dozen times and your butt more times than I care to count. :'''Jackie''': And you made a mess of things more times than I care to count. :'''Jade''': But I always clean up after myself. Just admit it, Jackie. You need me. Hey! :'''Jackie, Uncle and Jade''': Daolon Wong?! :'''Daolon Wong''': Many thanks for the memories. ''[Jackie kicks the Deja Vu Stone and he and Daolon Wong are gone]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie? Jackie? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Turning into statue is better. :'''Jade''': ''[Chuckles nervously]'' Depends who you ask. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': The Strength Talisman. Good one. :'''Jackie''': I know, Jade. Wah! Jade, how did you... :'''Jade''': Your hands! ''[Jackie looks at his hands are glowing]'' I get it! That must be Uncle's magic and... ''[Gasps and Shendu begins to attack Jackie]'' :'''Jade''': ''[Angry grunt]'' I blow it again! I distracted Jackie just like I did today! Does twice like a pattern? <hr width="50%/> :'''Jackie''': Could it be? A view?! In a nice, cozy, danger free hotel?! A happy memory... ''[Jade 6 turns to Jade 8]'' Wah! :'''Jade''': Jackie, don't worry. I can explain everything! ''[All the Jade clones fall out of the closet]'' :'''Jade Clones''': Wah! Whoa! ''[Nervous chuckle]'' Hi, Jackie. :'''Jade''': So I'm quite the rascal, but it's not like I'm evil or anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': I couldn't help it, I was possessed! :'''Uncle''': Did Uncle ask you tattooed demon face onto your leg, no? You do not see Uncle walking around being evil, do you? :'''Jade''': Uh, Unc? ''[Uncle sees himself as a Chi Vampire]'' :'''Uncle''': Uncle could not help it. Was victim of chi vampire. :'''Jade''': Oh, yeah. And I have the piece in your mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Take me back to the beginning! :'''Daolon Wong''': Hmph. So here we are, back in the old fool's trash heap. :'''Uncle''': That is old fool's rare trash heap to you! :'''Jade''': Wait a sec. ''[Looks at her bags]'' Jackie went to the wrong beginning, the first time we met! :'''Jackie''': Wait, this can't be right, where are Uncle and... :'''Daolon Wong''': Give me that! ''[Jackie drops the deja vu stone and stares at Jade]'' :'''Jackie''': Jade... :'''Jade''': Jackie is right, I do get in his way. :'''Finn''': You're Jackie Chan, the archaeologist? :'''Jackie''': I bet you were looking for the shield I brought back from Bavaria. :'''Finn''': We're looking for the... How'd you know? :'''Jackie''': ''[Points at Daolon Wong]'' He has it! :'''Daolon Wong''': Chan is lying! Do you not recognized your master?! :'''Finn''': The only master we have is big V! :'''Chow''': And he's gonna wanna hear all about where you stashed the shield! :'''Jade''': Way to rewrite history, Jackie! :'''Uncle''': Did they buy anything? :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Uncle''': You are terrible salesman! ''[Jackie looks at Jade and picks up the phone]'' :'''Uncle''': Who are you calling? :'''Jackie''': Jade's parents. She must return to Hong Kong. :'''Uncle''': But she just arrived. :'''Jade''': What?! No way! Who's gonna help save the day?! The world?! Jackie's butt?! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, you must trust me. It will be better for Jade,for us if she does not stay. :'''Jade''': No, Jackie. Hang up the phone, you need me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade's Dad''': Hello? :'''Jackie''': Uh... Sorry, wrong number. ''[Jade sighs in relief]'' :'''Uncle''': Jackie, next time you make crank call phone loca. :'''Jade''': Living with you guys is gonna rock! :'''Jackie''': ''[Sighs]'' You have no idea just yet how much. :'''Uncle''': You speak English! ''[Jade shrugs]'' :'''Jackie''': Now, return me to the present. :'''Jade''': Jackie, you do need me! :'''Jackie''': Jade, how did you know? ''[Jade points at herself and Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': Where did Jackie go? ''[Jade shrugs]'' :'''Jade''': I'm glad you decided to keep me around. :'''Jackie''': Let it just say, I realize that perhaps you have save me a time or two. :'''Jade''': Tch. Try 72. <hr witdh="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Gah! A broken leg?! But I did not even hit the ground! :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Jackie''': Ah, Jade! Did you see the mess you got me into? :'''Jade''': Gee, Jackie. I already admit it was total my fault you slipped in my Gnome Cop action figure and busted your leg. :'''Jackie''': No, not that! If you have got in the way and allow Daolon Wong to take the Deja Vu stone, I wouldn't be lost in time! :'''Jade''': Huh? :'''Jackie''': ''[Frustrated]'' Never mind. You are the past Jade. You would not know that. :'''Jade''': Uncle, do you think Jackie's right? Did I really mess things up? :'''Uncle''': ''[scoffs]'' Nonsense, Jade. Jackie needs to watch where he's walking. :'''Jade''': Not the broken leg, the Deja Vu thing! I'm still like a dummy when Long Snake it from me! It's all my fault Jackie's stuck in rerunville! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Wow, look at Jackie go! Hmmm. Guess he does do okay without my help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': I'll give Jackie a 9.2 for thinking on his feet for we really work much better as a team. :'''Jackie''': No! No, Jade! Do not get on that plane! ''[Jade hops inside the plane along with El Toro Fuerte]'' :'''Jade''': ''[chuckle nervously]'' See? Teamwork. :'''Uncle''': You never listen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': See the oinker at 12 o' clock? :'''Jackie''': Yes, that is very nice, Jade. But I really not supposed to be here. ''[Jackie founds the Deja Vu Stone on the cymbals]'' :'''Uncle''': There. :'''Jade''': Check it out, I helped! :'''Jackie''': The Deja Vu Stone! :'''Jade''': Yeah, whatever. Aren't we looking for the Pig Talisman? Tohru! :'''Hak Foo''': Many thanks for leading us to the prize. :'''Uncle''': You are not welcome! :'''Hak Foo''': You! :'''Tohru''': Why so afraid? He's an old man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': That will teach foolish Tohru to mess with Uncle with his power by immortality talisman! ''[Realized]'' Do not tell faithful apprentice Uncle said that. :'''Jade''': Come on, Jackie! Grab the stone and will yourself back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hyah! ''[Kicks Tohru]'' He's in the house! Hyah! ''[Saves Captain Black, Uncle and Jackie]'' I got your back, Jackie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Quick, Jade! The antidote! :'''Jade''': No! Tch. You think I would have gotten right the second time around. :'''Uncle''': Your past self does not know then but you know now, Jade. :'''Jackie''': Maybe... This is possible to... being cursed to relive all the... worse moments of my life! <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade''': Ooh. If memories were served, here's where I make a star entrance and save the day! <hr width="50%/> :'''Jackie''': Since you have things well in hand, Uncle. I will take my leave. ''[Gasps]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': The stone is mine! :'''Hak Foo''': Who is that?! :'''Jade''': And what's with the stone you all keep jabbering about?! Wong snake his way in! :'''Uncle''': Aiya! ===''Ninja Twilight'' [4.13]=== :'''Jade''': I call Dragon! ''[Jackie passes a Dog and Rat Talismans]'' Dog and Rat? Aw, you gotta hog on the cool ones. :'''Jackie''': Jade, you will remain here. :'''Jade''': What?! No way! :'''Jackie''': Jade, please. I could not live with myself if something happened to you. :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Super Moose? :'''Jade''': Jackie! ''[Grabs the Rabbit Talisman and throws it to him]'' :'''Jackie''': Jade, you are supposed to be... :'''Jade''': I decided I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Easy, as any ex queen of the ShadowKhan can tell you, wearing the sign of Tarakudo can keep control over ninjas. It's tattoo time. :'''Jackie''': No, Jade. It is far too dangerous even if you have done it before. :'''Uncle''': I volunteer Tohru. ==Season 5== ===''Relics of Demons Past'' [5.1]=== :'''Jade''': Incoming! ''[Jackie telescopes Jade as she is burping]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[Groans]'' Jade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': You Tarzan, and me Jade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': So CB, What's my assignment? ''[Jackie carries Jade's backpack]'' :'''Jackie''': The only assignments you'll be getting today are at school. :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': But, what about freedom of expression? This is America, you know. :'''Jackie''': Jade, this has nothing to do with free speech and everything to do with self control. Promise me, no more burping. :'''Jade''': Fine. I'll just explode from a builds of gas when I'm 16. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, stay here. :'''Jade''': Seriously, ''[Jackie is shocked]'' don't you ever get tired saying that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': I will draw their fire, you run back to Captain Black's truck. :'''Jade''': But, Jackie... :'''Jackie''': And no arguments. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': Uncle Jackie! :'''Jackie''': Waah! What happened to you?! :'''Jade''': What's happening to me?! :'''Jackie''': Jade, tell me you're fooling around Uncle's spells. :'''Jade''': No, I swear! I just looked up and bam! Toad girl! :'''Jackie''': It's alright. Uncle will know what to do. :'''Jade''': But what if I'm a girl toad forever? Just sitting around and eating flies, waiting to croak? ===''It's All in the Game'' [5.2]=== :'''Jade''': Baru? Here we come! I am so gonna kick butt in that game! Woo-Hoo! Yeah! :'''Jackie''': We're not going to Baru to compete,Jade. You will stay here with Tohru. :'''Jade''': Aw come on, Uncle Jackie. I've seen every single episodes of International Island Challenge. ''[Jackie stands up as she grabs his leg tighter]'' You gotta take me! :'''Jackie''': Jade. :'''Jade''': I know, I know. I always have to play the home version. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hey, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': ''[startled]'' Jade, what are you doing here?! :'''Jade''': Get serious. :'''Tohru''': Sorry, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Jade, listen to me. I told you before we are not here to play games. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': ''[Gasps]'' :'''Jackie''': Jade... :'''Jade''': What? We were just talking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Relax, they're not home. :'''Jackie''': Aah! Jade, go back to the treehouse. :'''Jade''': Jackie, three words. Flat. Screen. Television. :'''Jackie''': How many times do I have to tell you? We must stay focused on our mission, not the game. ===''Black and White Chi All Over'' [5.3]=== [Note on scene setup: It's at least Jade's 12th birthday or 13th birthday, as her initial starting age is 11] :'''Jade''': *yawns and stretchs her arms as she wakes up* *gasp* It's my birthday! yes! *pumps both arms in excitement* -scene transition to the section 13 vault- :'''Jade''': *stretches again* *non-chalant tone* Oh~ there you are! what's everybody doing? *get ignored* :'''Captain Black''': *talking to uncle* Is the Chi Containment Unit stable? :'''Uncle''': You want demon chi kept safe? Yes? then let Uncle work without looky-loos~ :'''Jade''': Heeelloo? Anybody wanna say something? :'''Tohru''': Good Morning, Jade. :'''Jade''': Is that all? ..? *looks back at Jackie and then looks forward again* ..Don't ya know what today is? :'''Uncle''': Ah'cha! *slaps his head in realization* Very important day! Day for Uncle's haircut. :'''Jade''': Ah c'mon, you know it's my birthday~ *begins talking fast* Now for breakfast, i want chocolate chip pancakes with whip cream and strawberries and... *gets interupted by Jackie as he leans down and places his hand on her shoulder* :'''Jackie''': I'm sorry Jade things are a little busy round section 13 this morning.. We will have to celebrate your birthday -later- :'''Jade''': What!? how much later? :'''Jackie''': Uhh... Just be patient. :'''Jade''': *obvious disappointment* awwww <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Okay, Jackinator. You go left, I'll go right. And we'll catch Drago... :'''Jackie''': Jade, you stay here. :'''Jade''': You can't go in without backup. Hmph. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': I am sorry, Jade. Your birthday celebration will have to wait just a little longer. :'''Jade''': That's okay. We can party in San Diego! :'''Jackie''': Uh... It's too dangerous. You stay here. :'''Jade''': That's not right. You can't dis the birthday girl. <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hey, Jackie. ''[Jackie is startled]'' <hr width"50%"/> :'''Tohru''': Drago! :'''Jackie''': And... Strikemaster Ice? :'''Jade''': Hey, Pizza-face got a Drago makeover! :'''Strikemaster Ice''': Yo dawg, you didn't say ''nothing'' about putting the hurt on Chan. First day on the job and we already get a bonus! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Now that we have the flower power, it's time to party down! I'm still the birthday girl for 10 hours! (this implies Jade has canonically-aged at least one year from her initial age) :'''Jackie''': We'll be back home in time for big birthday dinner. <hr width=50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, stay here. ''[Uncle and Tohru go along with him, leaving Jade behind]'' :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Step away from the lotus pod. :'''Jackie''': Jade! :'''Jade''': I'm your backup, remember? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Ooh, ooh. Let me be the living vessel! I can handle it! I have experience! ''[Jackie ignores her and rushes out]'' Come on, it's my birthday! ===''Dragon Scouts'' [5.4]=== :'''Jackie''': Jade, what are you doing? Those clothes are being donated to charity. And that is your Buttercup scout uniform. :'''Jade''': I know, I quit the buttercups. :'''Jackie''': Huh? Why? :'''Jade''': Quilt making, cookie selling, hello?! If I wanted to be bored out of my gourd, I can just hang here with you and Uncle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': But scouting provides a valuable experience, Jade. You mustn't quit. :'''Jade''': So who said I can quitting scouting? I'll join the Dragon scouts. :'''Jackie''': But the Dragon scouts are all boys. ===''The Demon Beneath My Wings'' [5.5]=== :'''Jade''': We'll put up for a spin. :'''Jackie''': Jade, what are you doing here? :'''Jade''': Like I'm gonna come all the way down to Australia and not ride on a kangaroo? Tch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade and Jackie''': Aah! :'''Jackie''': Jade, I told you to stay on the bus! :'''Jade''': What's the point? ===''Mirror, Mirror'' [5.6]=== :'''Jade''': Oh, no. I'm a mule. A stubborn mule! :'''Jackie''': ''[Gasps]'' My head! It's huge! :'''Tohru''': I'm turning into my mother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hey, I kinda like Uncle this way. ''[Jackie and Uncle stares at her as she makes a donkey noise as Uncle smiles]'' At least I'm not a mime. Why don't you walk against the wind or something! :'''Jackie''': ''[Groans]'' All right, both of you. You're giving me a headache. A big one! ===''Antler Action'' [5.7]=== :'''Jade''': Jackie! ''[Lifts Jackie up]'' ===''Clash of the Titanics'' [5.8]=== :'''Jade''': Well, what are you land lubbers waiting for? Let's shape up and ship out! :'''Jackie''': You are not going, Jade. :'''Jade''': Jackie, I saw a movie Titanic 12 times. That makes me total expert on sunken treasure! :'''Uncle''': Jade, you must listen to Jackie. You cannot go sub with us. :'''Jackie''': And neither can you, Uncle. Not with your cold or those germs in a tiny close space. ''[Uncle slaps Jackie's head]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': Uncle is not infectious! ''[Sneezes]'' And you cannot perform removal spell yourself? :'''Jackie''': You realize that, Uncle. But Tohru and I can retrieve the castanets. And you can perform the removal spells later on dry land. :'''Captain Black''': Makes sense. :'''Jade and Uncle''': Aw... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Jade..... :'''Jade''': I know, I know. Too dangerous, but you need me, Uncle Jackie. ''[He stares at her for a long time]'' Ok, fine. I'll leave. :'''Jackie''': Very funny, we are 2,000 League under the sea and... ''[Sniffing the air]'' Why do you smell like garlic? :'''Jade''': Not me. ''[Sniffing]'' It's coming from... ''[Jackie opens the vent and sees Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Uncle! :'''Jade''': Great minds, think alike. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Come on, slowpoke. :'''Jackie''': Jade, you are staying inside the sub. :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Luckily, I avoided batting against the bends. I... ''[Laughing]'' I mean, ground is all wobbly like pudding. Aw, I like Tapioca. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Hello neighbors, Nice day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': ''[Falls in the snow]'' Whoopsy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Aw, pretty. You made a snow angel. <hr width="50"/> :'''Jackie''': We play Pattycake? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Castanet? Oh, we're going fishing? I like fishies! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Peachy Keen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Ooh, pretty fireworks. Is it Chinese New Year already? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Aw, we play freeze tag? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': You are it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': ''[Giggling]'' :'''Tohru''': Jackie, are you all right? :'''Jackie''': Yes, but you two look very wobbly. Wobbly is a funny word rhymes with gobbly. :'''Jade''': He has so got the bends. :'''Jackie''': I do? OH, what a nice car. Yay for me! Oh, hello again, Buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': ''[Giggling]'' Look at the flying old man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Whee! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Ooh, pretty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': A skating rink. Fun! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Whirly-birdie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Jackie has the bad case of the bends needs to take decompressed for thirty-eight hours, same for Uncle. :'''Uncle''': Let Uncle out! :'''Jade''': Poor guy, totally delusional. :'''Tohru''': I do not understand, Jade. Why didn't you tell Captain Black that sensei had the bends? :'''Jade''': Are you kidding?! That garlic smells was making me gag! I figured, two days of solitary, goodbye major stank! :'''Uncle''': Let Uncle Out! Aiya! :'''Jackie''': I hear knock knock. Who's there? ''[Giggles]''. I like monkies and wax slips. This is a nice phone booth. Ooh, look! I can make funny sounds with my under arms. ''[Giggling]'' Oops, 'cuse me. ===''Stealing Thunder'' [5.9]=== :'''Tohru''': I hate rain. <hr width="50%/> :'''Jackie''': I told you to stay by the car. :'''Jade''': Hello? You didn't say which car. Ah! <hr width="50%/> :'''Jade''': Please, please, please, please? I'll do all my chores! :'''Jackie''': You do all your chores regardless. :'''Jade''': Uncle Jackie, I'm like the only kid in the world doesn't have Robomirks! :'''Jackie''': ''[Sighs]'' Video games will distract you from your studies. :'''Jade''': That's not true! Program in your mondo cool things that's creative writing, keeping score that's math. Honestly, Robomirks is more educational homework. :'''Jackie''': We will see. :'''Jade''': Translation: forget about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, what are you doing?! :'''Jade''': Is this a question?! ===''Weight and See'' [5.10]=== :'''Tohru''': I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Cool! I can practice my French ''[Speaks French]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': No Quebec and no argument. You have a math test tomorrow,remember? You stay here with Tohru. :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Curator''': Bonjour. Comment allez-vous aujourd’hui? :'''Jackie''': ''[looks surprised before turning to Uncle, realizing that he doesn’t understand some of the French language]'' Maybe we should have brought Jade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': I hate fish and tofu patty. ===''J2 Revised'' [5.11]=== :'''Jackie''': Jade, Uncle and I are going snorkeling. :'''Jade''': Guess I'll go too. Maybe I can find some sunken treasure or something. :'''Jackie''': Uh, why don't you stay on shore with Tohru? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Ah! :'''Jackie''': Jade, you weren't supposed to... ''[Jade smiles innocently]'' Oh, why did I bother? :'''Jade''': I knew this wasn't a real vacation, so what's the 411 on the big, blue marble? :'''Uncle''': No marble. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jackie''': Jade, we brought your favorite. Triple black burritos. :'''Jade''': Thanks, time hopping gives me a major munchies. :'''Future Jackie''': Jade?! :'''Future Uncle''': Jade?! :'''Future Tohru''': Jade?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jackie''': Jade, explain. :'''Two Jades''': I also stole our half of the Arcanum of Chi in the past by using a time portal spell. So I followed him through when he escaped back to the future. :'''Future Jackie''': Please, one Jade at a time. <hr width="505%"/> :'''Jade and Future Jade''': Our bad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, explain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': What happened to you? You used to rock! :'''Future Jade''': You think I like pushing papers all day? I don't, but this is my job and Captain Black is my boss. You have to grow up sometime, Jade. ===''The Powers That Be (Part 1)'' [5.12]=== :'''Drago''': I told you slackers to stay in the truck. :'''Strikemaster Ice''': Yeah, well us slackers kind of changed our minds about how it's gonna go down. :'''Drago''': Oh? :'''MC Cobra''': Figured, why let you get all the powers? :'''Drago''': You... want some of them? :'''Strikemaster Ice''': No, dawg. We want ''all'' of them! <hr width"50%"/> :'''Drago''': Show me the chi! :'''Jade''': Show me the Chan Clan. ===''The Powers That Be (Part 2)'' [5.13]=== :'''Tohru''': I hate fish! <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade''': I know I messed up, but let me make it up to you. Please, Jackie. You can't split up the Chan Clan at a time like this. :'''Jackie''': No, Jade. Section 13 is the safest place in the city and you will stay right here . :'''Jade''': Aw... <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade''': Agent Jade, reporting for duty, sir! Let's head them up, and move them out! :'''Captain Black''': Jade, I think you done enough for one night. :'''Jade''': Er.. I didn't mean for Drago keeping the demon chi. I had a plan to... :'''Jackie''': We know you were trying to protect us, Jade. :'''Jade''': Er... :'''Jackie''': And we appreciate it. :'''Captain Black''': And from here on out, little lady. You need to leave the fight to the heavyweights. <hr width"50%/> :'''Jade''': Come on, Big T! We're missing all the action! ''[Tohru crossed his arms]'' Aw... <hr width"50%"/> :'''Drago''': The Earth was within my grasp! You never let me have what I want! :'''Shendu''': I told you not to play with your father's world! :'''Drago''': Why not?! You weren't using it! You're always too busy fighting wizards! ==Cast== ''[in order of appearance]'' *'''[[Jackie Chan]]''' - Voiced by [[w:James Sie|James Sie]] *'''Uncle Chan''' - Voiced by [[w:Sab Shimono|Sab Shimono]] *'''Jade Chan''' - Voiced by [[w:Stacie Chan|Stacie Chan]] *'''Captain Augustus Black''' - Voiced by [[Clancy Brown]] *'''Tohru''' - Voiced by [[w:Noah Nelson|Noah Nelson]] *'''El Toro Fuerte''' - Voiced by [[w:Miguel Sandoval|Miguel Sandoval]] *'''Paco''' - Voiced by [[w:Franco Velez|Franco Velez]] *'''Viper''' - Voiced by [[w:Susan Eisenberg|Susan Eisenberg]] *'''Valmont''' - Voiced by [[w:Julian Sands|Julian Sands]] (Seasons 1 and 2); [[w:Andrew Ableson|Andrew Ableson]] (Seasons 3 and 4) *'''Finn''' - Voiced by [[w:Adam Baldwin|Adam Baldwin]] *'''Ratso''' - Voiced by [[Clancy Brown]] *'''Chow''' - Voiced by [[w:James Sie|James Sie]] *'''Hak Foo''' - Voiced by [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] (Season 1 only); [[John DiMaggio]] (Season 2 onwards) *'''Shendu''' - Voiced by [[w:James Sie|James Sie]] ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.sonypictures.com/tv/kids/index_jackie.html ''Jackie Chan Adventures'' official website] *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0259141/ ''Jackie Chan Adventures''] on [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] *[http://www.tv.com/jackie-chan-adventures/show/4690/summary.html ''Jackie Chan Adventures''] on [[w:TV.com|TV.com]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:The WB animated TV shows]] [[Category:Kids' WB shows]] ima5msqef82eesi6p5z0q6wibddw4ic 0 116410 3944289 3936159 2026-05-22T21:42:51Z ~2026-19952-52 3306796 /* Third Doctor era */ 3944289 wikitext text/x-wiki Following is a collection of last and first words from ''[[Doctor Who]]'' and associated media ==The Doctor== *'''Fear no more, Hogan... After this dreadful night has passed, your scarecrows will not walk again!''' **Who: The Second Doctor ([[w:Patrick Troughton|Patrick Troughton]]) **Source: [[Doctor Who]]: [https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/The_Night_Walkers_(comic_story) The Night Walkers] **Note: Forced to regenerate by the Time Lords, the Doctor can't pick an appearance but is too late as he is sentenced to death. However, the Time Lords do not actually carry out the execution in the end, and merely send him on missions for them, giving the official sentence in the Matrix logs as "exile". After a while, The Doctor escapes and some time later animated scarecrows created by the Time Lords carry out the regeneration and his exile begins... *'''A tear, Sarah Jane? No, don't cry. While there's life, there's...''' **Who: The Third Doctor (Jon Pertwee) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:Planet of the Spiders|Planet of the Spiders]] **Note: The Doctor regenerates after suffering severe radiation poisoning from the planet Metebelis III. *'''It's the end... But the moment has been prepared for.''' **Who: The Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:Logopolis|Logopolis]] **Note: The Doctor is fatally wounded after falling from a radio telescope after a confrontation with The Master. *'''Adric?''' **Who: The Fifth Doctor (Peter Davison) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Caves of Androzani|The Caves of Androzani]] **Note: Poisoned by a Spectrox plant, and resultantly affected by spectrox toxaemia, he hallucinates a former companion who died years earlier. *'''I've had good innings. All those lives I have lived... I hope the footprint I leave will be... light, but apposite... who said that? Who's... there?''' *'''Yes, I will regenerate. Our future is in safe hands...''' **Who: The Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker) **Source: [[w:The Sixth Doctor: The Last Adventure|The Sixth Doctor: The Last Adventure]] ** Note: The Doctor dies of radiation poisoning after deliberately piloting himself into the Rani's attack in order to prevent the Valeyard from erasing the Time Lords from history. *'''No! Timing malfunction! The Master; he's out there! I've got to stop... him!''' **Who: The Seventh Doctor (Sylvester McCoy) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who (film)|Doctor Who]]'' **Note: The Doctor has been mortally poisoned by anaesthetic in a botched operation due to surgeons being unfamiliar with his alien anatomy. *'''Rose... Before I go, I just want to say you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I!''' **Who: The Ninth Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Parting of the Ways|The Parting of the Ways]] **Note: The Doctor regenerates after absorbing the energy from the heart of the TARDIS from Rose Tyler, who had used it to defeat the Dalek Emperor. *'''I don't want to go.''' **Who: The Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The End of Time (Doctor Who)|The End of Time]] **Note: The Doctor regenerates after absorbing a fatal dose of radiation in order to save his friend Wilfred. *'''Physician, heal thyself.''' **Who: The Eighth Doctor (Paul McGann) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Night of the Doctor|The Night of the Doctor]] **Note: In the midst of the Time War, the Doctor crashes on Karn with a girl, Cas and after being briefly resurrected from death by The sisterhood of Karn, triggers his regeneration with the help of the elixir of life. *'''I hope the ears are a bit less conspicuous this time.''' **Who: The War Doctor (John Hurt) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Day of the Doctor|The Day of the Doctor]] **Note: After growing remarkably old and grizzled by fighting in the Time War, the War Doctor had not realized how frail his body had turned, focusing nearly all his attention on the Time War. By the conclusion of his final adventure with the Tenth and Eleventh Doctors, his regeneration is triggered automatically. *'''Hey...''' **Who: The Eleventh Doctor (Matt Smith) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Time of the Doctor|The Time of the Doctor]] **Note: After aging over hundreds of years while defending Trenzalore, The Doctor is granted a new regeneration cycle from the Time Lords. This regeneration generates an immense amount of chronal regeneration energy that causes a "reset", reverting him to look younger. After making his way to The TARDIS and changing his clothes, he speaks his final words to Clara who then witnesses the final stage of this regeneration into his thirteenth incarnation. *'''Well then...Here we go. The long way round...''' **Who: The First Doctor **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': ''[[w:Twice Upon a Time (Doctor Who)|Twice Upon a Time]]'' **Note: The Doctor makes his way back to The TARDIS after going on adventure with his future Twelfth incarnation; he opens the doors and collapses onto the floor and regenerates into his second body. *'''Doctor, I let you go.''' **Who: The Twelfth Doctor (Peter Capaldi) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:Twice Upon a Time (Doctor Who)|Twice Upon a Time]] **Note: After being mortally wounded in [[w:The Doctor Falls|a battle with the Cybermen]], the Doctor attempts to force the end of his life by stalling the regeneration process. Eventually he comes to terms with living another life, and spends his final moments addressing his [[Thirteenth Doctor|next incarnation]]. *'''Right then, Doctor-whoever-I'm-about-to-be. Tag, you're it.''' **Who: The Thirteenth Doctor (Jodie Whittaker) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Power of the Doctor|The Power of the Doctor]] **Note: After the Master directs a deadly beam towards her, the Doctor spends a final day with her companion Yaz before saying goodbye and regenerating on top of a cliff. *'''This has been... an absolute joy.''' **Who: The Fifteenth Doctor (Ncuti Gatwa) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Reality War|The Reality War]] **Note: The Doctor unleashes some regenerative energy into the time vortex to save a girl called Poppy, which causes his regeneration. ==Companions== *'''You show me so many strange mysteries. With you, I know I'm safe.''' **Who: Katarina (Adrienne Hill) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Daleks' Master Plan|Devil's Planet]] **Note: Katarina says this to the Doctor, shortly before getting taken hostage by the convict Kirksen, who had stowed away aboard their ship. In the following episode, Katarina kills herself and Kirksen by opening the airlock outer door, resulting in their being ejected into space. *'''Doctor...''' **Who: Sara Kingdom (Jean Marsh/May Warden) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Daleks' Master Plan|The Destruction of Time]] **Note: Sara, having been aged to near-death by the Daleks' Time Destructor weapon, calls out one last time to the likewise-aged Doctor, before she disintegrates into dust. *'''Not even us.''' **Who: Romana I (Mary Tamm) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Armageddon Factor|The Armageddon Factor]] episode 6. **Note: Romana I's last on-screen words, in reply to the Doctor saying that the randomizer fitted to the TARDIS controls will prevent the Black Guardian from knowing what their next destination is. She later regenerates into Romana II off-screen before the next story. *'''Now I'll never know if I was right...''' **Who: Adric (Matthew Waterhouse) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]''" [[w: Earthshock|Earthshock]] episode 4. **Note: Adric says this line before the freighter he is on crashes into Earth and explodes. *'''Affirmative.''' **Who: K-9 Mark III (John Leeson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:School Reunion (Doctor Who)|School Reunion]] **Note: K-9 Mark III's response to Mr. Finch calling him a "bad dog", after he showers the Krillitanes in their oil, eventually causing them to explode with enough force to destroy the school. *'''Mr. Capricorn! I resign...!''' *'''Stop me falling.''' **Who: Astrid Peth (Kylie Minogue) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Voyage of the Damned (Doctor Who)|Voyage of the Damned]] **Note: Astrid says this having been transported to Deck 31 to save the Doctor from execution by the Heavenly Host on Capricorn's instructions. She rams him with the forklift and they both fall to their deaths in the engine much to the Doctor's horror. For the second part, the image of her is picked up by the Doctor as she says this. Knowing there isn't anything he can do to save her, he preserves her atoms to travel across the stars forevermore. *'''Let me be brave.''' ** Who: Clara Oswald (Jenna Coleman) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Face the Raven|Face the Raven]] ** Note: Killed by the titular Raven. ==The Master== *'''That is my property, I believe.''' **Who: The Master (Roger Delgado) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Frontier in Space|Frontier in Space]] episode 6. **Note: The character's last on-screen words, said to the Third Doctor and Jo Grant as he catches them trying to escape with his mind-control device. This version of the Master later dies off-screen at an unknown point, becoming the Decaying Master. *'''So. A new body, at last!''' **Who: The Decaying Master (Geoffrey Beevers) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Keeper of Traken|The Keeper of Traken]] episode 4. **Note: Said as he finds Tremas, who is transfixed to the Master's TARDIS by a booby-trap. The Decaying Master then absorbs Tremas, becoming a new incarnation. *'''You should have killed me, Doctor!''' **Who: The Master (Anthony Ainley) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Survival (Doctor Who)|Survival]] episode 3. **Note: The last on-screen words of this version of the Master, as he fights with the Seventh Doctor on the dying Cheetah Planet. This version of the Master is later executed by the Daleks in the opening sequence of the 1996 TV movie. *'''Never!''' **Who: The Master (Eric Roberts) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]: [[w: Doctor Who (film)|The Movie]]'' **Note: The Master refuses the Eighth Doctor's offer of help, before being sucked into the Eye of Harmony and destroyed. *'''Killed by an insect! A girl! How inappropriate. Still, if the Doctor can be young and strong, then so can I. The Master, reborn!''' **Who: Professor Yana ([[Derek Jacobi]]) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Utopia (Doctor Who)|Utopia]] **Note: Said after being shot by Yana's assistant, Chanto, before regenerating into a younger body. *'''You see, Missy, this is where we've always been going. This is our perfect ending. We shoot ourselves in the back.''' **Who: The Master (John Simm) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Doctor Falls|The Doctor Falls]] **Note: His last on-screen words, after being fatally stabbed by Missy, who he regenerates into off-screen. *'''Yes, my dear, you will.''' **Who: Missy (Michelle Gomez) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Doctor Falls|The Doctor Falls]] **Note: Missy's telling her previous incarnation that it's his destiny to work with the Doctor. In response, the previous Master fatally shoots Missy with his laser screwdriver. *'''Maybe. But if I can't be the Doctor, neither can you!''' **Who: The Master (Sacha Dhawan) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Power of the Doctor|The Power of the Doctor]] **Note: With his body dying as the result of a failed attempt to take over the Thirteenth Doctor, the Master redirects an energy blast from a creature he had imprisoned, causing it to fatally injure the Doctor. ==Television== ===''Doctor Who'' (1963)=== ====First Doctor era==== *'''Take these things.''' **Who: Temmosus (Alan Wheatley) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Daleks (TV Story)|The Ambush]] **Note: Tells the other Thals to take the food that the Daleks have left for them, only to be ambushed and killed by the Daleks shortly after saying this. *'''It's too smooth!''' **Who: Antodus (Marcus Hammond) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Daleks (TV Story)|The Rescue]] **Note: Unable to pull himself back onto the rock face Ian and the other Thals are climbing, Antodus cuts the rope holding him up and falls to his death. *'''Your terms of peace are hard, my lord.''' <br/> ''[Kublai Khan: Tegana, those who rise against us must be humbled.]'' <br/> '''They shall be honoured. I promised Noghai to make an end of this matter.''' **Who: Tegana (Derren Nesbitt) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:Marco Polo (TV Story)|Assassin at Peking]] **Note: Tegana tries to kill Kublai Khan, but then kills the vizier by mistake after saying these words. After losing a sword fight to Marco, Tegana grabs a sword and kills himself. *'''I... I remember now. I must kill. I must kill. I must kill.''' **Who: Jeff Garvey (Barry Jackson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:Galaxy 4|The Exploding Planet]] **Note: Garvey has been pricked by the thorn of a Varga Plant, and is already having his mind taken over. In the following episode he tries to kill his comrades Marc Cory and Gordon Lowery, but the former kills Garvey first. *'''That's right. I'll soon be one of them. Kill... kill...''' **Who: Gordon Lowery (Jeremy Young) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:Mission to the Unknown|Mission to the Unknown]] **Note: Lowery, having himself been pricked by the thorns of another Varga Plant and starting to visibly transform, asks Cory to kill him, and then forces him to do so by threatening to shoot him. *'''This is Marc Cory, Special Service, reporting from the planet Kembel. The Daleks are planning the complete destruction of our galaxy. Together with the other forces of the outer galaxy, an war force is being assembled. If our galaxy is to be saved, whoever receives this message must relay the information to Earth immediately. It is vital that defence mechanisms are put into operation at once. Message ends.''' **Who: Marc Cory (Edward de Souza) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:Mission to the Unknown|Mission to the Unknown]] **Note: Cory records a warning of the Daleks' impending invasion. Before he can broadcast it, however, the Daleks catch up to and kill him. *'''You, too? Sara!''' **Who: Bret Vyon (Nicholas Courtney) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Daleks' Master Plan|The Traitors]] **Note: Bret, upon being confronted by his fellow officer (and sister) Sara Kingdom, who kills him under the mistaken belief that he is a traitor to Earth. *'''You will pay for your crimes against your ruler. ARGH! You cannot... kill... me!''' **Who: Mavic Chen (Kevin Stoney) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Daleks' Master Plan|The Destruction of Time]] **Note: Chen, having deluded himself into believing that he is immortal and the ruler of the Daleks, is killed by them after they deem him of no further use. * '''The planet offers everything we need, but I must warn you. Listen to this carefully. When we first arrived, we exited-''' **Who: Two (Ralph Carrigan) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Ark|The Return]] **Note: Killed when a Refusian causes his landing craft to explode while he is reporting to the other Monoids about the Refusians. *'''A five. Hurray, I've won! Hurrah for me! Yaroo- AAARGH!''' **Who: Cyril (Peter Stephens) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Celestial Toymaker|The Final Test]] **Note: Cyril scores a winning throw on the TARDIS hopscotch game, only to slip on a trap he had left for Steven and Dodo, causing him to fall onto an electrified floor and be killed. *'''Emergency control! Quick, Brett!''' **Who: Krimpton (John Cater) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The War Machines|The War Machines]] episode 4 **Note: Said when a war machine reprogrammed by the Doctor to attack WOTAN enters its central chamber. Krimpton tries throwing himself in front of the war machine, which kills him with a gas blast. *'''I am WOTAN. You will obey. Do not-''' **Who: WOTAN (Gerald Taylor) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The War Machines|The War Machines]] episode 4 **Note: With one of its own war machines attacking it, WOTAN fruitlessly tries to regain control before being destroyed, immobilising all the war machines and freeing those under WOTAN's hypnotic influence. *'''We are equipped to survive. We are only interested in survival. Anything else is of no importance. Your deaths will not affect us.'''<br/>''[Polly: But I can't make you understand! You're condemning us all to die! Have you no heart?]''<br/>'''No. That is one of the weaknesses that we have removed.''' **Who: Krail (Reg Whitehead) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Tenth Planet|The Tenth Planet]] episode 2. **Note: Krail, after rejecting Polly's attempts at reasoning with the Cybermen, is killed by General Cutler with a stolen Cyberman weapon. *'''The enemy? The enemy? I'll tell you who the enemy is. You! You! You killed my son!'''<br/>''[Dyson: But sir, they've landed!]''<br/>'''The only person I gave a care about in this whole world, and you killed him. Now I'm going to kill you all, and I'll start with you, Doctor!''' **Who: General Cutler (Robert Beatty) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Tenth Planet|The Tenth Planet]] episode 4. **Note: After losing contact with his son's spacecraft, Cutler announces his intention to kill the Doctor, Ben, and Barclay for sabotaging the Z-bomb. Before he can do so, another squadron of Cybermen enters the control room, and Cutler is gunned down after he fruitlesly tries to shoot one of the Cybermen. *'''The humans are behind the door. Let the gas do its work.''' **Who: Krang (Harry Brooks) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Tenth Planet|The Tenth Planet]] episode 4. **Note: Needing to set off the Z-bomb in order to destroy Earth before Mondas can self-destruct from energy over-absorption, Krang has the Z-bomb chamber flooded with toxic gas. Before it can poison Ben and Dyson, they emerge from the room with nuclear fuel rods, the radiation from which weakens and kills Krang. ====Second Doctor era==== *'''Ah, so you've come at last. I'm from Earth. I'm the Examiner.''' **Who: Examiner (Martin King) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Power of the Daleks|The Power of the Daleks]] episode 1. **Note: Said to the Doctor, who he mistakes as a representative from the Earth colony on the planet Vulcan. The Examiner is then killed by an unseen figure, later revealed to be Bragen. *'''I don't like it, I tell you! We don't know what these things can do.''' **Who: Resno (Edward Kelsey) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Power of the Daleks|The Power of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: Suspecting that the Dalek they've found in a crashed spaceship is actually alive, Resno voices his concerns to Lesterson, who ignores him. The Dalek, aware that Resno has seen through it, stages an accident by shooting Resno dead in a test. *'''Is it a weapon of some kind?'''<br/>''[Bragen: I'll arrange a demonstration for you. Do you still refuse my offer?]''<br/>'''I will not be intimidated!''' **Who: Hensell (Peter Bathurst) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Power of the Daleks|The Power of the Daleks]] episode 5. **Note: With Hensell refusing Bragen's demands to surrender the position of governor to him, Bragen has one of the Daleks supposedly under his control shoot him dead. *'''I tell you, it's clear! Come on! Oh...''' **Who: Janley (Pamela Ann Davy) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Power of the Daleks|The Power of the Daleks]] episode 6. **Note: With the Daleks massacring the colony's population, Janley calls out to Quinn and Valmar thinking she's found a route to safety, but is proven wrong and gunned down by a Dalek. *'''I want to help you.'''<br/>''[Dalek: Why?]''<br/>'''I am your servant.'''<br/>''[Dalek: We do not need humans now.]''<br/>'''But you wouldn't kill me. I gave you life.''' **Who: Lesterson (Robert James) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Power of the Daleks|The Power of the Daleks]] episode 6. **Note: Lesterson, having gone insane after learning of the Daleks' true nature, manages to recover his sanity long enough to distract the Daleks from the Doctor's attempt to overload the system supplying them with power. Lesterson is shot dead, but his sacrifice gives the Doctor the time he needs to destroy all the Daleks. *'''You'll obey me, or-'''<br/>''[Quinn: Your day is over, Bragen. No-one will obey you now.]''<br/>'''I'm still the governor, and you will... Valmar...!''' **Who: Bragen (Bernard Archard) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Power of the Daleks|The Power of the Daleks]] episode 6. **Note: With the Daleks having been destroyed, Bragen attempts to retake control of the colony and prepares to shoot Quinn, but is himself shot dead by his former right-hand man Valmar, who had previously overhead Bragen telling Janley about his intention to dispose of the rebels. *'''No! No, you cannot do this to me! No, no!''' **Who: Professor Zaroff (Joseph Furst) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Underwater Menace|The Underwater Menace]] episode 4. **Note: Zaroff is trapped behind a shutter, just a few feet away from the activation trigger for his planet-destroying weapon, as Atlantis floods. He is unable to escape in time, and drowns. *'''No time for me.''' **Who: Edward Waterfield (John Bailey) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Evil of the Daleks|The Evil of the Daleks]] episode 7. **Note: Dies after being shot by one of the Emperor Dalek's personal guards when it tried to kill the Doctor. *'''This is your Emperor speaking. There is danger here. Obey me! Do not fight in here! Do not fight in here! I said, obey! Obey me! Obey me, your Emperor! Do not fight in here! Do not fight in here! Obey! OBEY! OBEY! We will all be exterminated! Annihilated! The Dalek race will die out completely! Obey your Emperor! Obey-''' **Who: Dalek Emperor (Peter Hawkins) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Evil of the Daleks|The Evil of the Daleks]] episode 7. **Note: As the Human Factor-infused Daleks launch a full-scale assault on the Emperor's control room, the Emperor futilely tries to order all the Daleks to back down, before being destroyed in the crossfire. *'''The Daleks must not, cannot be destroyed. The race will survive. The Daleks will live and rule, forever!''' **Who: Theodore Maxtible (Marius Goring) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Evil of the Daleks|The Evil of the Daleks]] episode 7. **Note: With the Dalek city falling apart in the midst of the civil war, the brainwashed and Dalek Factor-infused Maxtible runs into a building intending to join the fight, and subsequently dies when the building collapses. *'''No. You have broken your promise.''' <br/> ''[Cyber Controller: Cybermen do not promise. Such ideas have no value. Open.]'' <br/> '''No!''' **Who: Kaftan (Shirley Cooklin) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Tomb of the Cybermen|Tomb of the Cybermen]] episode 4. **Note: After Toberman has knocked out Klieg, the Cyber Controller orders Kaftan to open the tombs. Kaftan refuses, so he does it for her. Kaftan then closes the hatch and tries to shoot the Cyber Controller with a handgun, only for him to blast her with his laser. *'''Oh, you're stupid. You still think that your puny minds can survive against us? You're decadent, weak. Do you know that? Weak!''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: Alright, go ahead, kill us.]'' <br/> '''No. I have a better idea. A much better idea. I shall leave you to the Cybermen. I'm sure they'll have some use for you. Or parts of you! **Who: Eric Klieg (George Pastell) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Tomb of the Cybermen|Tomb of the Cybermen]] episode 4. **Note: Klieg decides to leave the Doctor and his friends to be killed by the Cybermen, only for one of them to kill him. *'''We must survive. We must survive.''' **Who: The Cyber Controller (Michael Kilgarriff) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Tomb of the Cybermen|Tomb of the Cybermen]] episode 4. **Note: The Cyber Controller tries to escape from the control room, which the Doctor has rigged to be electrified when the doors close, but Toberman stops him at the doors to the tomb. When the doors are closed, the Cyber Controller is electrocuted to death. *'''They shall never pass Toberman! The door is closed!''' **Who: Toberman (Roy Stewart) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Tomb of the Cybermen|Tomb of the Cybermen]] episode 4. **Note: Toberman closes the doors to the Cyber Tombs, electrocuting himself and the Cyber Controller in the process. *'''There's never been such a discovery as this. All my life-''' **Who: Arden (George Waring) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w:The Ice Warriors|The Ice Warriors]] episode 3. **Note: After Arden and Jamie discover the Ice Warriors' ship, Varga and his warriors shoot them both down. Arden is killed, but his body protects Jamie, who is merely knocked out. *'''But, but, but... I want to help you!''' **Who: Storr (Angus Lennie) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Ice Warriors|The Ice Warriors]] episode 4. **Note: Storr tries to side with the Ice Warriors, but they think he's useless and they kill him. *'''What we need is someone like Penley, or that Doctor. Somebody who can think. Not with a machine. And what good's your precious computer done anyway? Nothing! Nothing but trouble! And it's time somebody put a stop to it!''' **Who: Walters (Malcolm Taylor) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Ice Warriors|The Ice Warriors]] episode 6. **Note: Thinking that the computer has caused the problems, Walters tries to smash it, only for Miss Garrett to shoot him with her tranquilizer gun. Later, when Varga and two of his warriors enter the control room, Walters tries to shoot Varga, only to get blasted. *'''It was not power in the engines, Zondal, it was heat. The heat from the Ioniser.''' **Who: Varga (Bernard Bresslaw) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Ice Warriors|The Ice Warriors]] episode 6. **Note: In an attempt to return to Mars, Varga's lieutenant, Zondal, thinks that his engines have got power, but it's actually the Ioniser's heat. The resulting explosion kills the Ice Warriors, including Varga. *'''Well, if I'm gonna die, Salamander, you're gonna die with me.''' **Who: Giles Kent (Bill Kerr) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Enemy of the World|The Enemy of the World]] episode 6. **Note: Having been fatally shot by Salamander, Kent pulls the activation switch for the base's self-destruct system, and dies in the resulting explosion. *'''And now I'm going to kill you.''' **Who: Ramon Salamander (Patrick Troughton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Enemy of the World|The Enemy of the World]] episode 6. **Note: Said to the Second Doctor as they fight each other in the console room. Salamander then tries to have the TARDIS take off, but doesn't realise that he needs to close the doors first, causing it to go out of control and leading to Salamander being ejected into the space-time vortex and condemned to float in limbo for all eternity. *'''Every word has been heard on Earth!''' **Who: Fewsham (Terry Scully) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Seeds of Death|The Seeds of Death]] episode 5. **Note: Fewsham has activated the video link, allowing the people of Earth to hear the Ice Warriors' plans. Slaar then orders one of his warriors to kill him. *'''Slaar! We are passing between Earth and moon! The signal has not led us into the moon's gravitational field!''' <br/> ''[Slaar: Have you lost my signal?]'' <br/> '''Your signal is being received clearly, but we're off course!''' <br/> ''[Slaar: Are you sure your calculations are correct?]'' <br/> '''Our calculations have been checked! You have sent us into an orbit close to the sun!''' <br/> ''[Slaar: Use your retro-active rockets to change course!]'' <br/> '''It is too late! We have insufficient fuel for manoeuver! You have failed us, Slaar! We shall all die! We are being drawn into the orbit of the sun!''' **Who: The Grand Marshall (Graham Leaman) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Seeds of Death|The Seeds of Death]] episode 6. **Note: Slaar's homing beam has been hijacked by the Doctor, sending the Grand Marshall into the sun. *'''Earth will still die. The fungus will take the oxygen from your atmosphere.''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: No, I'm afraid you've failed there too. We can destroy the fungus.]'' <br/> '''Kill him!''' **Who: Slaar (Alan Bennion) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Seeds of Death|The Seeds of Death]] episode 6. **Note: After the Grand Marshall's fleet is sent spiraling into the sun, Slaar orders his remaining Ice Warrior to kill the Doctor, but Jamie distracts the Ice Warrior, allowing the Doctor to divert the Ice Warrior's aim so that Slaar dies. *'''He wanted to stop the war games. He was an incompetent fool, jealous of my position. Surely, you realise that? He forged that recording you heard. He wanted to stop the war games! He tried to-''' **Who: The War Chief (Edward Brayshaw) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The War Games (Doctor Who)|The War Games]] episode 9. **Note: The War Chief futilely tries to deny killing the Security Chief, leading to the War Lord having his guards execute him. *'''No... no... NO!''' **Who: The War Lord (Philip Madoc) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The War Games (Doctor Who)|The War Games]] episode 10. **Note: The War Lord's last spoken words, before the Time Lords erase him from history as punishment for his mass-kidnapping of military personnel from Earth's history. ====Third Doctor era==== *'''No one can destroy the Nestenes!''' **Who: Channing (Hugh Burden) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Spearhead from Space|Spearhead from Space]] episode 4 **Note: Channing's last spoken words before he awakens the Nestene Consciousness to attack the Doctor. When the Nestene Consciousness is destroyed, Channing is deactivated and reduced to a faceless mannequin. *'''Yes.''' **Who: Harry Slocum (Walter Randall) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 1 **Note: Said in response to Professor Stahlman's asking him if he's finished repairing the pipe. During the process of making the repair, Slocum was exposed to the green ooze emitting from it, causing him to begin transforming into a Primord, and he dies in the following episode from a combination of gunshot wounds and not being warm enough to finish the transformation. *'''Yes, yes, that's right. All readings normal, no peaks at all. I've done a complete routine check. No, everything's very quiet up here.''' **Who: John Bromley (Ian Fairbairn) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 1 **Note: Bromley says this during a phone call, unaware that the infected Harry Slocum is sneaking into the reactor control room. Slocum incapacitates Bromley, transmitting the Primord infection to him in the process, and Bromley escapes, lurking around the Project Inferno facility until late in the story, when the Doctor kills him with a fire extinguisher. *'''Can you hear me, Dr. Williams? Let us... let us out!''' **Who: Director Eric Stahlman (Olaf Pooley) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 5 **Note: Director Stahlman's last spoken words, just before he completely transforms into a Primord. The transformed Stahlman dies in the following episode, after being sprayed by a fire extinguisher by Greg Sutton. *'''Leave me be!''' **Who: Platoon Under-Leader Benton (John Levene) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 5 **Note: Benton warns Sutton off trying to help him, having been infected by the Stahlman Primord. Afterwards, Benton himself rapidly transforms into a Primord, and is presumably killed in the destruction of the alternate Earth. *'''We helped him, we have every right to go. I'll give you until the count of three. One...''' <br>''[The Doctor: You'll have to shoot me, Brigade Leader. I have no intention of taking you.]'' <br>'''Two... Thr-''' **Who: Brigade Leader Lethbridge-Stewart (Nicholas Courtney) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 6 **Note: The Brigade Leader tries to force the Doctor at gunpoint to take the Project Inferno survivors to his universe, despite his protestations that this is impossible. Section Leader Shaw eventually shoots the Brigade Leader dead to allow the Doctor to escape. *'''Go on, Doctor, get on with it!''' **Who: Greg Sutton (Derek Newark) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 6 **Note: Sutton encouraging the Doctor to escape, as the alternative Earth begins to completely disintegrate. He, along with Dr. Williams and Section Leader Shaw, is presumably killed by a lava flow. *'''Go on, Doctor, go now!''' **Who: Section Leader Elizabeth Shaw (Caroline John) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 6 **Note: Shaw encouraging the Doctor to escape, as the alternative Earth begins to completely disintegrate. She, along with Dr. Williams and Greg Sutton, is presumably killed by a lava flow. *'''GREG!''' **Who: Dr. Petra Williams (Sheila Dunn) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 6 **Note: Williams calls out to Greg Sutton as she spots a rapidly-approaching lava throw, which presumably kills them both along with Section Leader Shaw. *'''All of you leave this area immediately! Go on! I shall control the last phase of this operation alone. Stand by in the drill head there. Now, go on! Get out, all of you. Go on, do as I say!''' **Who: Dr. Eric Stahlman (Olaf Pooley) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Inferno (Doctor Who)|Inferno]] episode 7 **Note: Said by Stahlman to the Project Inferno staffers, as he begins to succumb to the Primord infection. He then causes himself to completely transform by smearing the slime produced by the drill into his face, before being killed by the Doctor and our universe's Greg Sutton with fire extinguishers. *'''No, no! A friend! I'm a friend!''' **Who: Bert the landlord (Don McKillop) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Daemons|The Daemons]] episode 5. **Note: When Bok comes out of the church to deal with UNIT, Bert tries to convince him that he is his friend, only to get killed. *'''This action does not relate! There is no data! It does not relate! Go! Leave me! All of you!''' **Who: Azal (Stephen Thorne) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Daemons|The Daemons]] episode 5. **Note: When the Doctor refuses to take Azal's power, Azal tries to kill him, but Jo offers herself to be killed instead of the Doctor. Confused, Azal self-destructs. *'''I'm sorry, they were too quick for us. They escaped in the darkness.''' <br/> ''[Gold Dalek: You are lying! You have betrayed the Daleks!]'' <br/> '''No! I told you before! Those security guards are no match for humans!''' <br/> ''[Gold Dalek: You are a traitor to the Daleks! You must be exterminated!]'' <br/> '''Who knows? I may have helped to exterminate you!''' **Who: The Controller (Aubrey Woods) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Day of the Daleks|Day of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: The Controller has let the Doctor and Jo escape the future and return to the present, and then goes to falsify his report to the Daleks. Unfortunately, the Gold Dalek has been told the truth by the head guard and exterminates him. *'''Oh no, not this time. This time it's going to be different!''' **Who: Shura (Jimmy Winston) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Day of the Daleks|Day of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: Shura at first believes that he must kill Sir Reginald Styles to prevent the war, but when the Doctor and Jo tell him that the Daleks are coming into the house where Styles is supposed to have his meeting, he tells them to leave so he can set off a bomb which destroys the house, the Daleks and himself. *'''I wanted to save our world. To preserve the old ways. Perhaps I was wrong, Peladon. I hope so. The future you set so much store by is yours now.''' **Who: Hepesh (Geoffrey Toone) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Curse of Pelason|The Curse of Peladon]] episode 4. **Note: Hepesh says this line after being fatally injured by Aggedor. He soon dies in King Peladon's arms. *'''I shall attend to the security of my prisoner. Go on, man, move!''' **Who: Colonel George Trenchard (Clive Morton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Sea Devils|The Sea Devils]] episode 4. **Note: Said to a guard before Trenchard opens fire at the attacking Sea Devils, slowing down their efforts to rescue the Master and buying time for the prison guards to escape before Trenchard is killed. *'''This device is causing the power to overload!''' **Who: Chief Sea Devil (Peter Forbes-Robertson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Sea Devils|The Sea Devils]] episode 6. **Note: The Chief Sea Devil says this line before he and the other Sea Devils are killed in a massive explosion caused by the Doctor sabotaging the machine which was supposed to revive Sea Devils globally. *'''Doctor, you've destroyed my dreams! I'll destroy you!''' **Who: The Marshal of Solos (Paul Whitsun-Jones) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Mutants|The Mutants]] episode 6. **Note: The Marshal says this line before Ky enters and kills him. *'''It's back this way.''' **Who: Vaber (Prentis Hancock) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Planet of the Daleks|Planet of the Daleks]] episode 5. **Note: Vaber tries to make a break for freedom after the Daleks try to interrogate him so they can know where the Plain of Stones is, but he gets killed. *'''He ordered an immediate report.''' **Who: Wester (Roy Skelton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Planet of the Daleks| Planet of the Daleks]] episode 5. **Note: Wester says this line before he releases the bacteria which the Daleks are planning to use to kill all life on Spiridon, killing him and trapping 2 of the Daleks in the room where the bacteria is. *'''It has not been possible! We have been unable to use the bacteria bomb!''' **Who: Dalek Leader (Michael Wisher) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Planet of the Daleks|Planet of the Daleks]] episode 6. **Note: The Dalek Supreme tells the Dalek Leader that he was supposed to kill the Doctor and his friends, but the Dalek Leader objects with this line before the Dalek Supreme tells him he has failed and exterminates him. *'''I'm cross-feeding the generator circuitry. In two minutes the whole place'll go up. Warn the others! Get out! You have two minutes!''' **Who: Jocelyn Stevens (Jerome Willis) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Green Death|The Green Death]] episode 6. **Note: After BOSS' mental connection over Stevens is broken, Stevens warns the Doctor to leave as he sets the building to self-destruct. *'''Who would have thought it would come to this? Stevens, my friend, my sentimental friend, my friiieeeEEEEE--''' **Who: BOSS (John Dearth) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Green Death|The Green Death]] episode 6. **Note: BOSS' mental connection over Stevens is broken, allowing Stevens to set the Global Chemicals building to self-destruct, taking himself and BOSS with it. *'''So, destroy my castle by sorcery, would you, toad face? Well, Irongron's magic is too strong for you!''' **Who: Irongron (David Daker) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Time Warrior|The Time Warrior]] episode 4. **Note: Irongron is frustrated that Linx is going to destroy his castle and tries to kill him, only to get shot down by Linx's ray gun. *'''Now that's enough!''' **Who: Commander Azaxyr (Alan Bennion) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Monster of Peladon|The Monster of Peladon]] episode 6. **Note: After fending off Gebek and the other miners, Azaxyr is stabbed by one of Queen Thalira's guards. *'''I'm afraid this old body has had it, Miss Smith.''' **Who: K'Anpo (George Cormack) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Planet of the Spiders|Planet of the Spiders]] episode 6. **Note: Last words prior to regenerating into a new body, after being fatally injured by energy bolts emitted by the spiders' minions. *'''You superstitious fools!''' <br/> ''[Queen Spider: Be silent, Lupton!]'' <br/> '''I will not be silent! To think that I've lost my chance of power through a spider! A spider that I could crush underfoot without a second thought! A SPIDER!''' **Who: Lupton (John Dearth) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Planet of the Spiders|Planet of the Spiders]] episode 6. **Note: When Lupton tries to take the crystal from the Doctor, the Queen Spider stops him. As the Doctor goes to deliver the crystal to the Great One, Lupton gets frustrated that his chance of power is gone and moves to strike down the Queen, only for her to zap him. *'''All praise to the Great One! All praise to me! Bow down before me, planets! Bow down, stars! Bow down, all galaxies and worship the Great One! The me! The great, all powerful me! AAAAAAHHHH! I HURT! HELP ME, I AM BURNING, MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE! HELP MEEEEEE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!''' **Who: The Great One (Maureen Morris) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Planet of the Spiders|Planet of the Spiders]] episode 6. **Note: Thinking her goal is complete when she takes the blue crystal from the Doctor to complete her crystal web so her mental powers can be increased, the Great One starts to gloat. Unfortunately for her, radiation build up in the web and, since there's now way to vent it, her mind is destroyed. ====Fourth Doctor era==== *'''No, no, don't! He was only telling-''' **Who: Professor Kettlewell (Edward Burnham) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Robot (Doctor Who)|Robot]] episode 4. **Note: Kettlewell tries to talk down the K1 robot from killing the Doctor, but is accidentally hit by a blast from the disintegrator ray being held by K1, and is himself killed instead. *'''You will be safe. See how I deal with our enemies.''' **Who: K1 (Michael Kilgarriff) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Robot (Doctor Who)|Robot]] episode 4. **Note: The now-gigantic K1 places the captive Sarah-Jane on a rooftop before it takes on a squad of UNIT soldiers. The Doctor later uses Professor Kettlewell's metal-eating virus to destroy K1. *'''Please, Commander, stay back! Please! Don't force me to-''' **Who: Libri (Christopher Master) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Ark in Space|The Ark in Space]] episode 2. **Note: Libri confronts Noah who is being taken over by the Wirrn, but is unwilling to shoot him, allowing Noah to take the gun and kill him with it. *'''You don't want trouble with the Space Technician's union, Doctor.''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: What?]'' <br/> ''[Knocks him out]'' '''That's my job.''' **Who: Rogin (Richardson Morgan) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Ark in Space|The Ark in Space]] episode 4. **Note: Rogin knocks the Doctor out so that he can move him to safety while the shuttle containing the Wirrn can take off. He is then killed when he is caught in the exhaust blast. *'''Goodbye, Vira...''' **Who: Noah (Kenton Moore) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: The Ark in Space|The Ark in Space]] episode 4. **Note: After his body is fully transformed into an insectoid Wirrn, Noah leads the Wirrn swarm into a shuttle which is set to self-destruct. His final words are a message to the woman he was supposed to marry. *'''No, Davros!'''<br />''[Davros: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!]''<br />'''No! No! NO!''' **Who: Ronson (James Garbutt) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Genesis of the Daleks|Genesis of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: Ronson unsuccessfully pleads for his life after Davros falsely accuses him of being a Thal spy, leading to his becoming the first person ever to be killed by the Daleks. *'''You are ''insane'', Davros!''' **Who: Gharman (Dennis Chinnery) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Genesis of the Daleks|Genesis of the Daleks]] episode 6. **Note: Gharman says this line before Davros summons the Daleks to kill him and all the other Kaleds who are against Davros. *'''Stop this, Davros! You must stop them!''' **Who: Kravos (Andrew Johns) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Genesis of the Daleks|Genesis of the Daleks]] episode 6. **Note: When Davros sets his Daleks on everyone who is against him, Kravos orders him to stop, only for Nyder to throw him into the path of a Dalek gun. *'''Yes, Davros.''' **Who: Nyder (Peter Miles) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'': [[w: Genesis of the Daleks|Genesis of the Daleks]] episode 6. **Note: When a Dalek activates the production line to create more Daleks, Davros orders him to turn it off. When the Dalek refuses, Davros orders Nyder to do so instead. The Dalek then exterminates Nyder. *'''It's coming towards us. It's set on a collision course!''' **Who: Magrik (Michael Wisher) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revenge of the Cybermen|Revenge of the Cybermen]] episode 4. **Note: Upon seeing that the Nerva beacon has been set on a collision course with Voga, Magrik tries to carry out Vorus' order to launch the Skystriker, but is shot dead by Tyrum before he can do so. *'''My Skystriker! My Glory!''' **Who: Vorus (David Collings) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revenge of the Cybermen|Revenge of the Cybermen]] episode 4. **Note: Despite being fatally injured by Tyrum, Vorus manages to launch the rocket he calls Skystriker to try and destroy the beacon where the Doctor and Sarah are. *'''The Skarasen will destroy you all.''' **Who: Broton (John Woodnutt) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Terror of the Zygons|Terror of the Zygons]] episode 4. **Note: Dies after being shot by the Brigadier. *'''Master, spare me. Spare me. I am a true servant of the great Sutekh.''' **Who: Ibrahim Namin (Peter Mayock) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Pyramids of Mars|Pyramids of Mars]] episode 1. **Note: Mistaking Scarman for Sutekh, Namin kneels before him, only for Scarman to kill him. *'''Who dares to interfere!?''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: You're caught in a temporal trap, Sutekh.]'' <br/> '''Time Lord! I shall destroy you! I shall destroy you!''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: How long do Osirans live, Sutekh?]'' <br/> '''Release me!''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: Never. You're caught in the corridor of eternity.]'' <br/> '''Release me, insect, or I shall destroy the cosmos!''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: You're a thousand years beyond the twentieth century now, Sutekh. Go on for another ten thousand.]'' <br/> '''I'll spare the planet Earth! I'll give it to you as a plaything! RELEASE ME!''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: No, Sutekh. The time of the Osirans is long past.]'' <br/> '''NOOOOOOOOO!''' **Who: Sutekh (Gabriel Woolf) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Pyramids of Mars|Pyramids of Mars]] episode 4. **Note: Before Sutekh can escape the time tunnel, the Doctor stops him and sends him into the future, aging him to death. Character later returns in [[w: The Legend of Ruby Sunday|The Legend of Ruby Sunday]]. *'''Derek!''' **Who: Charles Winlett (John Gleeson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Seeds of Doom|The Seeds of Doom]] episode 1. **Note: Winlett calls out for colleague Derek Moberly after being infected by a Krynoid pod. Winlett remains unconscious until he fully transforms into a Krynoid, which is subsequently destroyed by a bomb set by Scorby. *'''You're as bad as Chase and the others. You want me to die! You want me to die! You want me to die!''' **Who: Arnold Keeler (Mark Jones) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Seeds of Doom|The Seeds of Doom]] episode 4. **Note: Keeler, having already been infected by a Krynoid pod, angrily shouts this at Sarah Jane Smith when she reluctantly refuses to help him, knowing that he is on the verge of fully transforming. The Krynoid that was Keeler is later destroyed in a UNIT airstrike. *'''We're as dead as mutton, you realise? RIP. It's ridiculous, isn't it?''' **Who: Scorby (John Challis) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Seeds of Doom|The Seeds of Doom]] episode 6. **Note: As the Krynoid is demolishing the mansion that the Doctor, Sarah and Scorby are trapped in, Scorby says these words before attempting to escape the mansion. His attempt is stopped by the plants forcing him underwater and drowning him. *'''You and your kind are parasites. You're dependent upon us for the air you breathe and the food you eat. We have only one use for you!''' **Who: Harrison Chase (Tony Beckley) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Seeds of Doom|The Seeds of Doom]] episode 6. **Note: As Sarah is searching for Henderson in the basement, Chase tells her that Henderson has been put in his compost machine and then decides to put her in there as well. Later, the Doctor shows up and releases Sarah, only to get into a struggle with Chase. In the end, the Doctor tries to save Chase from being crushed, but Chase tries to pull him in, but fails and dies. *'''You will take me back!''' **Who: Eldrad (Stephen Thorne) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Hand of Fear|The Hand of Fear]] episode 4. **Note: Eldrad unsuccessfully demands that the Doctor take him from the dead planet of Kastria back to Earth, before the Doctor uses his scarf to trip Eldrad into falling to his death. *'''Not me, you fool! Him! I am your master! Taren Capel!''' **Who: Taren Capel (David Bailie) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Robots of Death|The Robots of Death]] episode 4. **Note: Taren Capel says this line before he is strangled to death by one of the Sandminer robots who fails to recognise him due to Leela releasing helium into the atmosphere. *'''Sin! Sin, what are you doing!? I order you to... No, no, not me! This is mutiny, Sin! **Who: Magnus Greel (Michael Spice) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Talons of Weng-Chiang|The Talons of Weng-Chiang]] episode 6 **Note: Greel says these words when Mr. Sin tries to kill him with the laser cannon built into a dragon statue. After Leela deactivates the laser by shooting it, Greel tries to kill her, but the Doctor shoves him into his own extraction cabinet, resulting in his life force being drained from his body. *'''You fool! Do you think a metal barrier can contain the Swarm!?''' **Who: The Nucleus (John Leeson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Invisible Enemy|The Invisible Enemy]] episode 4. **Note: In his container, the Nucleus says these words to the Doctor, who puts a blaster next to the door, so it will set off the explosive gas he has released into the base. As the Doctor, Leela and K9 escape, the Nucleus opens the door and triggers the blaster, causing the base to explode. *'''Don't you dare. I'm an official of the company!''' **Who: Gatherer Hade (Richard Leech) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Sun Makers|The Sun Makers]] episode 4. **Note: Hade fruitlessly tries to warn off a gang of rebels, who then throw him to his death from the roof of a building. *'''Doctor. This grenade will give me a lot of pleasure.''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: You'll destroy us all.]'' <br/> '''Yes. It is a glory to die for a glorious Sontaran empire.''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: But you'll destroy this entire galaxy.]'' <br/> '''Yes, and all of the Time Lords with it.''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: And your battlefield.]'' <br/> '''Yes, Doctor. But it is a small price to pay. If we cannot control the power of the Time Lords, then we shall destroy it. Goodbye, Doctor!''' **Who: Commander Stor (Derek Deadman) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Invasion of Time|The Invasion of Time]] episode 6. **Note: Just as Stor is about to destroy the TARDIS using a grenade, the Doctor confronts him with the De-Mat gun. Before Stor can plant his grenade, though, the Doctor shoots him. *'''I shall be free from you, you hag!''' **Who: The Pirate Captain (Bruce Purchase) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Pirate Planet|The Pirate Planet]] episode 4. **Note: The Captain, just before he tries to kill Queen Xanxia. Instead, Xanxia causes his cybernetic implants to explode. *'''Great one, we ask only that the dryfoots and their abominations be crushed by thy mighty power. Master, it is thy servant! ARGH! Varlik, Skart, help!''' **Who: Ranquin (John Abineri) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Power of Kroll|The Power of Kroll]] episode 4. **Note: Ranquin's attempt to pray to the enormous squid-like Kroll to destroy the humans. Instead, Kroll grabs hold of Ranquin and devours him. *'''Sire! Sire, I have failed. The Doctor has accomplished his purpose. He has the Key to Time. Sire, I have failed.''' **Who: The Shadow (William Squire) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Armageddon Factor|The Armageddon Factor]] episode 6. **Note: As the Shadow's space station is destroyed by a redirected Atrian missile barrage, he informs the Black Guardian that the Doctor has succeeded in his mission. *'''No, Hermann. No, it's me!''' **Who: Scaroth (Julian Glover) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: City of Death|City of Death]] episode 4. **Note: Scaroth's henchman Hermann is horrified by the monstrous true appearance of his master, and then throws a bottle at Scaroth's time machine, causing it to explode and kill him. *'''It's lies, lies! It's all lies!''' **Who: Adrasta (Myra Frances) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Creature from the Pit|The Creature from the Pit]] episode 4. **Notes: Adrasta tries futilely to deny imprisoning Erato, who then kills her. *'''Mercy, lord Nimon! I brought you the tributes!''' **Who: Co-Pilot (Malcolm Terris) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Horns of Nimon|The Horns of Nimon]] episode 2. **Notes: The Co-Pilot, having been sentenced to death by Soldeed for his blunders, is executed by the Nimon after unconvincingly lying about merely being there to escort the prisoners due to be sacrificed. *'''You fools. You are all doomed. Doomed!''' **Who: Soldeed (Graham Crowden) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Horns of Nimon|The Horns of Nimon]] episode 4. **Notes: Soldeed sets the Nimon power complex to self-destruct; Teka tries to stop him by shooting him, but is too late. *'''Romana!''' **Who: Lexa (Jacqueline Hill) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Meglos|Meglos]] episode 4. **Note: Before the Doctor, Romana, Caris and Deedrix can go to Zolfa-Thura to stop Meglos and General Grugger from destroying Tigella, a dying Gaztak tries to shoot Romana. Lexa pushes her out of the way, but is hit by the beam. *'''Stop the countdown! Stop the clock!''' <br/> ''[General Grugger: Right, it must be this one.]'' <br/> '''Fool! Stop!''' **Who: Meglos (Tom Baker) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Meglos|Meglos]] episode 4. **Note: Meglos, having heard of the Doctor making the Dodecahedron destroy Zolfa-Thura instead of Tigella, escapes from the cell he is in and tries to stop General Grugger and Lieutenant Brotadac from firing the Dodecahedron. He is too late and Zolfa-Thura is destroyed, along with him, General Grugger and Lieutenant Brotadac. *'''Help, Nyssa!''' **Who: Tremas (Anthony Ainley) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Keeper of Traken|The Keeper of Traken]] episode 4. **Note: Tremas, having been transfixed to the Master's TARDIS by a booby-trap, tries calling Nyssa for help. Before she can get there, the Decaying Master emerges and absorbs Tremas, becoming a new incarnation. *'''I've done what I can, with the Registry in ruins. We must now re-align the aerial, beam the program out into space. There is a CVE close by that we might be able to re-open.''' **Who: The Monitor (John Fraser) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Logopolis|Logopolis]] episode 4. **Note: As Logopolis is being disintegrated by an entropy field that will destroy the entire universe if not stopped, the Monitor tries to re-open a CVE to drain the field. However, the Monitor is instead disintegrated himself by the field. ====Fifth Doctor era==== *'''You made us, man of evil, but we are free!''' **Who: Shardovan (Derek Waring) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Castrovalva|Castrovalva]] episode 4. **Note: After the residents of Castrovalva realise they're just part of an illusion created by the Master, Shardovan rebels and destroys the power web holding the city together, causing it to collapse. *'''No, Doctor!''' **Who: Monarch (Stratford Johns) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Four to Doomsday|Four to Doomsday]] episode 4. **Note: Monarch confronts the Doctor at the doors to the TARDIS, causing the Doctor to react by throwing the entire sample of a toxin that Monarch had intended to use on Earth at him, causing Monarch to shrink away into nothing. *'''You're all dead. Why don't you surrender?''' **Who: Ringway (Alec Sabin) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Earthshock|Earthshock]] episode 3. **Note: Ringway, attempting to talk the Doctor into giving himself up to the Cybermen. Ringway is killed by the Cyber-Leader in a later scene, after the Leader mistakenly assumes that Ringway betrayed them. *'''Nyssa, get back!''' **Who: Professor Kyle (Claire Clifford) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Earthshock|Earthshock]] episode 4. **Note: Kyle warning Nyssa as a Cyberman tries to break into the TARDIS. She then tries to shoot the Cyberman with a weapon taken from one of its fallen comrades, but is herself shot dead first. *'''But you will not enjoy the victory. I shall now kill you, Doctor.''' **Who: The Cyber-Leader (David Banks) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Earthshock|Earthshock]] episode 4. **Note: The Cyber-Leader says this before Tegan jumps him, allowing the Doctor the chance to feed gold shavings into his chest unit, before grabbing his gun and shooting him dead. *'''Impulse laser?''' **Who: Talor (John D. Collins) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Arc of Infinity|Arc of Infinity]] episode 1. **Note: Confronted by a traitor, unidentified to the audience but later revealed as Councillor Hedin, Talor remarks on the weapon which is then used to shoot him dead. *'''No!''' **Who: Hedin (Michael Gough) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Arc of Infinity|Arc of Infinity]] episode 3. **Note: When the Castellan tries to shoot the Doctor dead, Hedin throws himself in front of the blast, ensuring that the Doctor will live long enough for Omega to copy his physical form. *'''It is finished, Doctor. Can this... be death?''' **Who: Mawdryn (David Collings) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Mawdryn Undead|Mawdryn Undead]] episode 4. **Note: Mawdryn's final words after the release of energy caused by two versions of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart meeting each other destroys the botched regeneration cycles of Mawdryn and his colleagues, allowing them to die. *'''What?! No, not the mind probe!''' **Who: The Castellan (Paul Jerricho) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Five Doctors|The Five Doctors]] **Note: The Castellan's reaction to Borusa telling the chancellery guards to use the mind probe on him. The Castellan subsequently dies in a firefight with the guards while trying to escape. *'''No... no!''' **Who: Borusa (Philip Latham) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Five Doctors|The Five Doctors]] **Note: Borusa says this on realising that the Game of Rassilon is a trap designed to turn its victims into living, immobile statues. Borusa is himself then turned into such a statue. *'''That's it.''' **Who: Styles (Rula Lenska) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Resurrection of the Daleks|Resurrection of the Daleks]] episode 3. **Note: Having successfully unlocked the activation switch for the space station's self-destruct sequence, Styles says this and goes to pull it, but Lytton's troops blast open the door to the chamber and shoot her dead before she can do so. *'''They're Dalek troopers!''' **Who: Mercer (Jim Findley) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Resurrection of the Daleks|Resurrection of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: After Stien's mental condition relapses and briefly causes him to forget that he's turned against the Daleks, Mercer points out that the troopers confronting them are there to kill them, and dies in the resulting firefight. *'''Hello, boys. Just in time for the fun.''' **Who: Stien (Rodney Bewes) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Resurrection of the Daleks|Resurrection of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: Stien says this line before a Dalek exterminated him. Before he dies, he manages to hit the red self-destruct lever and blow up the space station and the battle cruiser. *'''You will never understand, Amyand. Logar is everywhere. He cares for the faithful.''' **Who: Timanov (Peter Wyngarde) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Planet of Fire|Planet of Fire]] episode 4. **Note: With the planet Sarn starting to tear itself apart, Timanov and a few devotees of his religion dedicated to the supposed god Logar opt to remain behind on the planet and die, despite Amyand having proven that Logar never existed, and that an injured Timanov simply mistook a worker in a fireproof suit for a divine figure years earlier. *'''Come on, keep moving. They won't fire.''' **Who: Salateen (Robert Glenister) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Caves of Androzani|The Caves of Androzani]] episode 4. **Note: Mistakenly believing that Sharaz Jek's androids have been rendered harmless, Salateen orders his troops to advance. He's quickly proven wrong when the androids open fire en masse, killing him instantly. *'''Jek! Where's the spectrox?'''<br>''[Sharaz Jek: Morgus!]''<br>'''You take one more step and we shoot.''' **Who: Morgus (John Normington) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Caves of Androzani|The Caves of Androzani]] episode 4. **Note: Said upon confronting his old enemy, Sharaz Jek, and holding him at gunpoint. Jek attacks them regardless, with Morgus being killed in the ensuing fight. *'''Salateen... Hold me...''' **Who: Sharaz Jek (Christopher Gable) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Caves of Androzani|The Caves of Androzani]] episode 4. **Note: After being fired upon by Stotz, Jek pushes Morgus into a laser beam and then says this line before he dies in the arms of his most developed android, Salateen. ====Sixth Doctor era==== *'''No, not that! Please, shoot me! Sh- sh-''' **Who: Prisoner (Roger Nott) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Twin Dilemma|The Twin Dilemma]] episode 3. **Note: The prisoner is sentenced to death for stealing vegetables from the Gastropods to feed his starving family. Mestor sentences him to death by embolism, leading to the prisoner saying this before Mestor kills him. *'''Childish threats are best left to children, Noma.''' **Who: Drak (Oliver Smith) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Twin Dilemma|The Twin Dilemma]] episode 4. **Note: Said after Noma threatens the Doctor, Azmael, and their group. Drak is found dead in a later scene after it turns out that Mestor possessed him in order to spy on the group, resulting in Drak dying from being controlled for too long. *'''What is happening?''' <br/> ''[Azmael: You are lost, Mestor!]'' <br/> '''What are you doing!?''' **Who: Mestor (Edwin Richfield) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Twin Dilemma|The Twin Dilemma]] episode 4. **Note: After Mestor jumps into Azmael's body, the Doctor destroys the former's body using a beaker of acid he picked up in the lab. Azmael then triggers his final regeneration, killing both himself and Mestor. *'''My only regret is leaving Jaconda. Gave me a good life. Many great moments. One of the best, my friend, was that time by the fountain.''' **Who: Azmael (Maurice Denham) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Twin Dilemma|The Twin Dilemma]] episode 4. **Note: After triggering his final regeneration to kill Mestor, Azmael says this line before he finally dies. *'''I don't know. I don't have an instrument for measuring time.'''<br/>''[Cyber-Leader: You will answer my questions.]''<br/>'''I will not!''' **Who: Flast (Faith Brown) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Attack of the Cybermen|Attack of the Cybermen]] episode 2. **Note: Flast's response to the Cyber-Leader's attempt to interrogate her over how long ago the Doctor escaped. In response to her refusal to answer, the Leader has her thrown out of the refrigerated chamber she was in, causing her to boil to death. *'''We made it!''' **Who: Stratton (Jonathan David) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Attack of the Cybermen|Attack of the Cybermen]] episode 2. **Note: Said as he arrives at the docking bay for the Cybermen's time ship, before being gunned down when a squadron of Cybermen emerges from the ship. *'''Let's get aboard the ship before we open the champagne.''' **Who: Griffiths (Brian Glover) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Attack of the Cybermen|Attack of the Cybermen]] episode 2. **Note: Said in response to Stratton's line above, before the two are shot dead by the Cybermen. *'''Give me that thing. Ready?''' **Who: Stratton (Michael Attwell) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Attack of the Cybermen|Attack of the Cybermen]] episode 2. **Note: Says this to Griffiths, while taking a gun from him. He then tries to open the docking bay door to the Cyermen's time ship, but is electrocuted by a forcefield, before Cybermen emerge to gun down Griffiths and Stratton. *'''The drug is affecting my brain. Irreversible damage.''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: I'm the Doctor, I'll tell you if it's irreversible or not. Now just hang on.]'' <br/> '''I did my best. I kept my word.''' <br/> ''[The Doctor: I know.]'' <br/> '''Please, Doctor, kill me. **Who: Lytton (Maurice Colbourne) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Attack of the Cybermen|Attack of the Cybermen]] episode 2. ** Note: Lytton says this line to the Doctor before the Cyber Controller enters. Lytton then stabs the Controller with a Sonic Lance which the Doctor placed in his hand and ultimately gets killed. *'''Emotion is a weakness.'''<br/>''[The Doctor: I don't think so.]'' <br/>'''It brought you back for your friend, and it will cost you your life.''' **Who: The Cyber-Controller (Michael Kilgarriff) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Attack of the Cybermen|Attack of the Cybermen]] episode 2. ** Note: The Cyber-Controller says this before getting stabbed by Lytton. The Controller then beats Lytton to death, before being shot dead by the Doctor, and destroyed when the Cyber-Tombs are destroyed. *'''Aye, but let us not waste time here, miss. I'm sure I've seen it's likeness in Redfern Dell. This way, miss.''' **Who: Luke Ward (Gary Cady) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Mark of the Rani|The Mark of the Rani]] episode 2. **Note: Luke, who is under the control of the Master, says this to Peri, intending to lead her into a trap. However, Luke falls victim to the trap himself by stepping on one of the Rani's landmines, which transforms him into a tree. *'''You are English? ¿Quién esta?''' ''[Who is there?]'' **Who: Doña Arana (Aimee Delamain) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Two Doctors|The Two Doctors]] episode 1. **Note: Her last words before Shockeye bludgeons her to death, so that Chessene's group can use her house as their base of operations. *'''Yes, sir.''' **Who: Varl (Tim Raynham) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Two Doctors|The Two Doctors]] episode 3. **Note: His response to his superior Stike ordering him to send a report to Sontaran High Command and then set their ship to self-destruct. Varl is later killed by Chessene with an acid bomb. *'''My spacecraft!''' **Who: Stike (Clinton Greyn) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Two Doctors|The Two Doctors]] episode 3. **Note: Having been burned by the same acid that killed Varl and then suffered further horrific injuries from his attempt to use a sabotaged time-travel capsule, Stike makes for his spacecraft, forgetting that he had ordered Varl to set it to self-destruct. Stike is consequently killed when it explodes. *'''Please... take care of my beautiful moths.''' **Who: Oscar Botcherby (James Saxon) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Two Doctors|The Two Doctors]] episode 3. **Note: Said to his girlfriend Anita, before dying from a stab wound that Shockeye inflicted during an argument over his restaurant bill. *'''The blood is warm and salt, Time Lord. I know how near you are!''' **Who: Shockeye (John Stratton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Two Doctors|The Two Doctors]] episode 3. **Note: Having inflicted a wound on the Sixth Doctor, Shockeye hunts and taunts him, before the Doctor ambushes him with a cyanide-soaked cloth and poisons him to death. *'''There's been enough killing, Chessene, and it's my fault. I took an Androgum, a lowly unthinking creature of instinct, and tried to set her among the gods.''' **Who: Dastari (Laurence Payne) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Two Doctors|The Two Doctors]] episode 3. **Note: Dastari, realising the foolishness of his actions, frees the Second Doctor and makes it clear that he regrets ever having helped Chessene, who reacts furiously and shoots Dastari dead. *'''I set ''myself'' among the gods! And now, I shall liberate my people. With me as their leader, we shall reign over all other beings. STOP!''' **Who: Chessene (Jacqueline Pearce) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Two Doctors|The Two Doctors]] episode 3. **Note: Said in response to Dastari's last words, before shooting him dead and threatening to do the same to the Second Doctor and Peri when they try to flee. After Jamie arrives and disarms her, Chessene tries to use the same sabotaged time capsule that Stike had earlier used, which then explodes, killing Chessene. *'''You will not destroy my people. I am the Maylin now, I will not let you.''' **Who: Tekker (Paul Darrow) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Timelash|Timelash]] episode 2. **Note: On discovering that the Borad intends to wipe out the native population of Karfel to repopulate the planet with mutants like himself, Tekker turns on the Borad, who reacts by ageing Tekker to death with a time-acceleration ray. *'''No! Destroy it! Smash the mirror!''' **Who: The Borad (Robert Ashby) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Timelash|Timelash]] episode 2. **Note: The Borad's reaction to seeing his hideously mutated face in a mirror. The Doctor then takes advantage to push him into the Timelash, where he's banished to ancient Scotland to live out the rest of his life in exile. *'''It is vital that the Daleks are supreme in all things!''' **Who: Arthur Stengos (Alec Linstead) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 1. **Note: Having been transformed into a Human-Dalek hybrid by Davros, Stengos is overtaken by the Dalek mental conditioning, forcing his reluctant daughter, Natasha, to put him out of his misery by shooting him. *'''How dare you enter unannounced?'''<br>''[Dalek: You will come with us. You will be taken to Davros to answer for your crimes.]''<br>'''No!''' **Who: Vogel (Hugh Walters) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: Vogel unwisely tries to stand up to some Daleks who have come to take his boss Kara prisoner, resulting in them quickly killing him. *'''Get on with your work! Now, that's enough of-'''<br>''[Tasambeker: I hate you!]''<br>'''What... what have you done? You've killed me... Jobel...''' **Who: Jobel (Clive Swift) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: After rejecting Tasambeker's pleas for them to flee Tranquil Repose, and openly ridiculing her affections for him, Jobel is killed by Tasambeker, who stabs and injects a syringe of embalming fluid into his heart. *'''Oh, why did I do it?''' **Who: Tasambeker (Jenny Tomasin) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: Immediately following Jobel's death, Tasambeker reacts with horror at her actions, before some Daleks kill her for attempting to warn Jobel that Davros wanted him dead. *'''You've done it, master. You've killed him!''' **Who: Bostock (John Ogwen) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: Bostock congratulates his master, Orcini on apparently killing Davros, but Orcini realises that they were able to kill "Davros" much too easily, after which the real Davros and a group of Daleks arrive to subdue them. Bostock later manages to blow Davros' hand off before he can activate his Dalek army, but is himself killed by a Dalek. *'''Let's get out of here.''' **Who: Natasha (Bridget Lynch-Blosse) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: Natasha says this line to her companion, Grigory, before a Dalek kills them both. *'''No! Alright, it's a bomb. It's a bomb! A great big bomb!'''<br>''[Davros: Thank you, Kara.]''<br>'''You fool. You imbecile! I thought you were a man of honour! Now, we both die. Satisfied?!'''<br>''[Orcini: You before me.]'' **Who: Kara (Eleanor Bron) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: After the failure of Orcini's attempt on his life, Davros brings in his client, Kara, and asks Orcini to activate the supposed transmitter that Kara gave him, forcing her to reveal the device's true nature. After she berates him for failing his mission, Orcini stabs her to death for hiring him under false pretences. *'''Hey, you listening, guys? This is the broadcast to end all broadcasts! Yee-haw!''' **Who: The DJ (Alexei Sayle) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: With Davros having sent a squadron of Daleks to kill the DJ, he defends himself and Peri with a sonic weapon, but is killed by a Dalek after he steps out from behind the weapon mistakenly thinking he's wiped the squadron out. *'''Return this to my order. Tell them how we died.'''<br>''[The Doctor: Of course.]''<br>'''No more words.''' **Who: Orcini (William Gaunt) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revelation of the Daleks|Revelation of the Daleks]] episode 2. **Note: Having had his artificial leg blown off and with Bostock already dead, Orcini resolves to use the bomb that Kara gave him to destroy Davros' army of Human-Dalek hybrids. Before the Doctor leaves, Orcini hands him his Knight of the Grand Order of Oberon insignia and asks him to return it to the Order. *'''I am Katryca, Queen of-''' **Who: Katryca (Joan Sims) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Mysterious Planet|The Mysterious Planet]] episode 4. **Note: Mistakenly believing Drathro to have been destroyed, Katryca leads her tribe into assaulting his lair, only to find him still functional. When she refuses to be intimidated by him, Drathro grabs hold of her and fatally electrocutes her. *'''Then I accept your offer. Tie these others up. I will fetch the secrets.''' **Who: Drathro (Roger Brierly) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Mysterious Planet|The Mysterious Planet]] episode 4. **Note: After the Doctor fails to talk down Drathro from letting his power system explode and potentially destroy the entire universe, Sabalom Glitz dupes Drathro into thinking he can be repaired if he comes aboard Glitz's ship, in exchange for the Time Lord secrets he is holding. The Doctor then manages to cause a controlled explosion of the power system, saving the universe, but destroying Drathro. *'''That is nothing compared to what you are doing to my negotiations. If I'm not careful, I could lose an important fish concession.'''<br>''[Sil: But you hate fish, magnificence!]''<br>'''Do I?''' **Who: Kiv (Christopher Ryan) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Mindwarp|Mindwarp]] episode 4. **Note: Kiv's last confirmed on-screen words. While the episode's ending seemingly shows his mind being transferred into the body of Peri Brown and then killed by a rampaging King Yrcanos, the Master later confirms that this was a forgery created by the Valeyard, and that Peri was rescued and Kiv killed before the procedure. *'''Get out of here, now! Or I'll kill both of you.''' **Who: Bruchner (David Allister) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Terror of the Vervoids|Terror of the Vervoids]] episode 3. **Note: Having been driven insane by the thought of the Vervoids reaching Earth and wiping out humanity, Bruchner hijacks the ''Hyperion 3'' and tries to steer it into a black hole. He dies at the start of the following episode when the Vervoids fill the ship's bridge with marsh gas, choking him to death. *'''No, no. I'm not your enemy. Without me, you wouldn't exist! I'm your friend.''' **Who: Doland (Malcolm Tierney) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Terror of the Vervoids|Terror of the Vervoids]] episode 4. **Note: After being exposed by the Doctor as a murderer and saboteur, Doland tries to flee, but is cornered by the Vervoids. He unsuccessfully tries to reason with them, and they kill him. *'''You must know who I am.'''<br>''[Lead Vervoid: Yes, Professor Lasky. We do.]''<br>'''Then you must also be aware that I mean you no harm.''' **Who: Professor Lasky (Honor Blackman) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Terror of the Vervoids|Terror of the Vervoids]] episode 4. **Note: In an attempt to buy time for the Doctor and Mel to escape, Lasky tries to reason with the Vervoids. Despite recognising her as their creator, the Vervoids kill her regardless. ====Seventh Doctor era==== *'''He may be hurt.''' **Who: Sarn (Karen Clegg) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Time and the Rani|Time and the Rani]] episode 1. **Note: After the disoriented Seventh Doctor stumbles while trying to escape the Rani's lab, Sarn says this line while trying to assist him. The Rani threatens to punish Sarn for her disobedience, causing her to flee outside the lab, where she dies when she triggers one of the Rani's globe traps. *'''You've rarely questioned my actions before, this is not the time to begin.''' **Who: Beyus (Donald Pickering) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Time and the Rani|Time and the Rani]] episode 4. **Note: Said to his wife, Faroon, as he ushers her out of the control room of the Rani's lab. He dies when the Rani tries to execute her slaves, but instead causes the lab to explode thanks to the Doctor's and Beyus' sabotage. *'''There was nothing wrong with it when I built it. Unless humanoid creatures have DAMAGED IT!''' **Who: Kroagnon (Richard Briers) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Paradise Towers|Paradise Towers]] episode 4. **Note: Kroagnon says this in response to the Doctor criticising his design work on a door, which unbeknownst to Kroagnon has been booby-trapped with a bomb. Pex then pushes Kroagnon through it, causing an explosion that kills them both, *'''How do you propose to do that?''' **Who: Kracauer (Tony Osoba) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Dragonfire (Doctor Who)|Dragonfire]] episode 2. **Note: Said in response to Belazs suggesting that they kill Kane. Kracauer attempts to do so by raising the temperature in Kane's chamber beyond the point where he can survive, but it fails, and Kane kills him by grabbing his head, freezing him to death. *'''Leave?''' **Who: Belazs (Patricia Quinn) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Dragonfire (Doctor Who)|Dragonfire]] episode 2. **Note: Her response to Kane's telling her that she's free to leave his employ. While this arouses her suspicions, it proves too late, and Kane kills her with his icy touch in retribution for the attempt on his life. *'''No. No, it shall not be!''' **Who: Kane (Edward Peel) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Dragonfire (Doctor Who)|Dragonfire]] episode 3. **Note: Kane's reaction to discovering that his homeworld has been destroyed by a supernova. He then opens a nearby window, causing unfiltered sunlight to enter and burn him to death. *'''Now! Run!''' **Who: George Ratcliffe (George Sewell) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Remembrance of the Daleks|Remembrance of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: Ratcliffe says this line before trying to steal the Renegade Daleks' Time Controller, only to die at the hands of the girl who was enslaved to the Dalek Battle Computer. *'''You stay there.''' <br/> ''[Ace: It might be the Doctor. Put the gun down, Mike. It's too late for that. Come on, Mike. Who are you gonna shoot with it anyway?]'' <br/> '''Just stay there!''' **Who: Mike Smith (Dursley McLinden) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Remembrance of the Daleks|Remembrance of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: When Ace tries to retrieve the Daleks' Time Controller, Mike holds her at gunpoint. The girl rings his doorbell and Mike goes to answer it, only for her to kill him. *'''Cannot compute! Unstable! UNSTABLE! FUNCTION IMPAIRED! FUNCTION IMPAIRED!''' **Who: Renegade Supreme Dalek **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Remembrance of the Daleks|Remembrance of the Daleks]] episode 4. **Note: After the destruction of Skaro, the Doctor confronts the Renegade Supreme Dalek and tells it that it no longer serves any purpose. Confused, the Dalek self-destructs. *'''I have to bow, however reluctantly, to your logic. Which leaves me only one alternative!''' **Who: The Kandyman (David John Pope) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Happiness Patrol|The Happiness Patrol]] episode 3. **Note: Said by the Kandyman in response to being threatened with a hot poker by Ace, causing him to instead threaten the Doctor. The Doctor and Ace then escape into the pipes, where the Kandyman is dissolved by a flood of hot fondant surprise. *'''I shall tell them of Gallifrey, tell them of the old times, the time of chaos.'''<br/> ''[Doctor: Be my guest.]''<br/>'''Your secrets-''' **Who: Lady Peinforte (Fiona Walker) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Silver Nemesis|Silver Nemesis]] episode 3. **Note: Peinforte tries to blackmail the Doctor into handing control of the Nemesis statue to her by threatening to reveal his secrets to the Cybermen. Her attempt fails when the Cyber Leader tells her it has no interest in the Doctor's secrets, causing her to try to grab hold of the statue, only to be absorbed by it. *'''Yeah, well, I'm coming down to the Psychic Circus tonight, and... uh, on the way...''' **Who: Nord (Daniel Peacock) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy|The Greatest Show in the Galaxy]] episode 2 **Note: After entertaining the Gods of Ragnarok with his strength, Nord is ordered by the Ringmaster to tell them a joke. He fails miserably, and is executed on the spot. *'''This is the most exciting day of my life. My dream come true. I'm standing in the ring of the Psychic Circus!''' **Who: Whizzkid (Gian Sammarco) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy|The Greatest Show in the Galaxy]] episode 3 **Note: Upon his turn to entertain the Gods of Ragnarok, Whizzkid doesn't even attempt to put on an act and simply espouses his love of the Psychic Circus, which swiftly gets him executed. *'''I don't know. I don't care. It's all destroyed, you know that. You were a wonderful clown, once. Funny. Inventive. But I'm not helping you any more, you see.'''<br>''[Chief Clown: Don't be a fool, Bellboy!]''<br>'''Come on! Do to me what you did to Flower Child! Come on! Come on! COME ON!''' **Who: Bellboy (Christopher Guard) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy|The Greatest Show in the Galaxy]] episode 3 **Note: In order to buy time for the Doctor, Ace, and Deadbeat to escape, the Bellboy refuses to answer the Chief Clown's demand to know where they are, and then has his own robot creations kill him. *'''No! No, listen-''' **Who: Ringmaster (Ricco Ross) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy|The Greatest Show in the Galaxy]] episode 4 **Note: Last words before he and Morgana are executed by the Gods of Ragnarok as punishment for running out of acts. *'''More acts are on the way! If you'll just-''' **Who: Morgana (Deborah Manship) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy|The Greatest Show in the Galaxy]] episode 4 **Note: Last words before she and the Ringmaster are executed by the Gods of Ragnarok as punishment for running out of acts. *'''Yes, and I shall get my reward. Last chance, Deadbeat. You really believe in all that talk of peace?''' **Who: Chief Clown (Ian Reddington) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy|The Greatest Show in the Galaxy]] episode 4 **Note: After Deadbeat accuses the Chief Clown of selling the rest of the circus out to the Gods of Ragnarok, the Chief Clown responds with this, before trying to have his robot clowns kill him along with Ace and Mags. Ace then activates a giant robot created by the Bellboy, which fires upon and kills the Chief Clown and his robots. *'''You know, when I was on the planet Periboea, I met someone who walked around when he was already dead. Personally, as an experience, I'd say it was very overrated!''' **Who: Captain Cook (T.P. McKenna) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy|The Greatest Show in the Galaxy]] episode 4 **Note: Having already been killed by Mags in an earlier scene when he tried to make her kill the Doctor, Cook is re-animated by the Gods of Ragnarok to do their bidding, only for them to force him to jump to his death from a cliff when he fails to keep the amulet key to destroying them out of the Doctor's hands. *'''Stay back, or I'll shoot!''' **Who: Flight Lt. Lavel (Dorota Rae) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Battlefield (Doctor Who)|Battlefield]] episode 3. **Note: Said to Morgaine, while trying to hold her at gunpoint. Morgaine reacts by hypnotising Lavel, then killing her by absorbing the contents of her mind, before disintegrating her body. *'''Pitiful. Can this world do no better than you as their champion?''' **Who: The Destroyer (Marek Anton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Battlefield (Doctor Who)|Battlefield]] episode 4. **Note: Upon being confronted by Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, the Destroyer scornfully dismisses him as a threat. The Brigadier replies "Probably. I just do the best that I can." before shooting the Destroyer dead with silver bullets. *'''You're no better than animals!''' **Who: Reverend Matthews (John Nettleton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Ghost Light (Doctor Who)|Ghost Light]] episode 2. **Note: Having been partly regressed into a gorilla in retribution for coming to denounce Josiah Samuel Smith's espousing evolution theory, Matthews says this to Smith before being killed, then stuffed and mounted in a display case. *'''Ah, perhaps one of you can tell me where to find the Doctor? This place is like a madhouse!''' **Who: Inspector Mackenzie (Frank Windsor) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Ghost Light (Ghost Light)|Ghost Light]] episode 3. **Note: Said to Light and Nimrod, when he walks in on the two. Light reacts by killing Mackenzie and reducing him to a primordial soup. *'''Oh, I am, dear. We both are.''' **Who: Mrs. Pritchard (Sylvia Sims) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Ghost Light (Ghost Light)|Ghost Light]] episode 3. **Note: Said to her daughter, as the two realise they have been used by Josiah Samuel Smith. They are then both killed by Light, who turns them to stone. *'''Oh, mama. What have we done?''' **Who: Gwendoline Pritchard (Katharine Schlesinger) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Ghost Light (Ghost Light)|Ghost Light]] episode 3. **Note: Said to her mother, as the two realise they have been used by Josiah Samuel Smith. They are then both killed by Light, who turns them to stone. *'''I will not change. I'll wake up soon. No change. Dead zero.''' **Who: Light (John Hallam) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Ghost Light (Ghost Light)|Ghost Light]] episode 3. **Note: After the Doctor persuades Light that evolution has rendered his catalogue of Earth's species useless and that he himself has evolved from his original form, Light decides he doesn't want to change any further and self-destructs. *'''Are you going to use that gun? You know your problem, Captain Bates? You don't know who the enemy is. A traitor is someone who doesn't know who the enemy is.''' **Who: Commander A.H. Millington (Alfred Lynch) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Curse of Fenric|The Curse of Fenric]] episode 4. **Note: Millington says this line before he attempts to shoot Bates, only to be shot by Vershinin. *'''Good hunting, sister.''' **Who: Karra (Lisa Bowerman) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Survival (Doctor Who)|Survival]] episode 3. **Note: Karra compliments Ace's hunting skills before she dies from her injuries caused by the Master. Karrra is the last character to die in the classic series. ===The Wilderness Years=== ''to be added'' ====Reeltime Pictures Productions==== ''to be added'' ====''P.R.O.B.E.''==== ''to be added'' ===''Doctor Who'' (2005)=== ====Ninth Doctor era==== *'''It's true! Everything I read, all the stories! It's all true!''' **Who: Clive (Mark Benton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Rose (Doctor Who)|Rose]] **Note: Clive refers to all the stories he's read about the Doctor before he is blasted by an auton. *'''Then stop wasting time, Time Lord.''' **Who: Jabe (Yasmin Bannerman) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The End of the World (Doctor Who)|The End of the World]] **Note: Jabe tells the Doctor to hurry and activate Platform one's shields before she burns to death. *'''We're going to die!''' **Who: The Moxx of Balhoon (Jimmy Vee) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The End of the World (Doctor Who)|The End of the World]] **Note: The Moxx says this line before he is burned alive by the sun's rays. *'''I'm too young!''' **Who: Cassandra (Zoe Wanamaker) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The End of the World (Doctor Who)|The End of the World]] **Note: Cassandra says this line before the heat dries her out and she explodes. Character later returns in [[w: New Earth (Doctor Who)|New Earth]] *'''Gwyneth, stop this. Listen to your master. This has gone far enough. Stop dabbling, child, and leave these things alone, I beg of you-''' **Who: Gabriel Sneed (Alan David) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Unquiet Dead (Doctor Who)|The Unquiet Dead]] **Note: Mr. Sneed says this line before one of the Gelth-possessed corpses kills him. *'''Leave this place!''' **Who: Gwyneth (Eve Myles) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Unquiet Dead (Doctor Who)|The Unquiet Dead]] **Note: Gwyneth says this line to the Doctor and Rose before she sacrifices herself to stop the Gelth. *'''What are you gonna do? Sucker me to death?''' **Who: Simmons (Nigel Whitmey) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Dalek (Doctor Who episode)|Dalek]] **Note: Simmons arrogantly mocks the Dalek with this line before it kills him by attaching its plunger to his face and suffocating him. *'''Are you frightened, Rose Tyler?''' ''[Rose Tyler: Yeah.]'' '''So am I. Exterminate.''' **Who: Dalek **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Dalek (Doctor Who episode)|Dalek]] **Note: The Dalek says this line before it self-destructs. *'''I kinda figured that!''' **Who: Jack Harkness (John Barrowman) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Parting of the Ways |The Parting of the Ways]] **Note: Exterminated by a Dalek, then brought back by Rose Tyler / the Bad Wolf. *'''I will not die! I cannot die!''' **Who: Dalek Emperor (Nicholas Briggs) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Parting of the Ways |The Parting of the Ways]] **The Dalek Emperor says this line before he is destroyed by Rose Tyler / the Bad Wolf. ====Tenth Doctor era==== *'''With respect, sir. The human race is taking its first step towards the stars, but we are like children compared to you. Children who need help. Children who need compassion. I beg of you now, show that compassion.''' **Who: Daniel Llewellyn (Daniel Evans) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]] [[w: The Christmas Invasion|The Christmas Invasion]]'' **Note: Daniel Llewellyn says this line before the Sycorax Leader kills him with his whip. *'''That man was your prisoner! Even your species must have articles of war, forbidding-''' **Who: Major Blake (Chu Omambula) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]] [[w: The Christmas Invasion|The Christmas Invasion]]'' **Note: Major Blake says this after the Sycorax Leader kills David Llewellyn with his whip, but before he can finish his sentence, the Sycorax Leader kills him too. *'''I committed treason for you, but now my wife will remember me with honour!''' **Who: Sir Robert (Derek Riddell) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]] [[w: Tooth and Claw|Tooth and Claw]]'' **Note: Says this line before attempting to fight the werewolf so he can buy time for the Doctor and Rose to save Queen Victoria. *'''Split up!''' **Who: Ricky Smith (Noel Clarke) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]] [[w: The Age of Steel|The Age of Steel]]'' **Note: Ricky says this along with his Prime Earth counterpart Mickey to elude Cyberman capture. Mickey makes it across a fence but before Ricky can do so, he is fatally electrocuted by a Cyberman. This leaves Mickey to continue the fight against Cybermen. *'''Die you!''' **Who: Mr. Crane **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]] [[w: The Age of Steel|The Age of Steel]]'' **Note: Mr. Crane says this when betraying John Lumic by disabling his life-support systems keeping him alive. In retaliation, a Cyberman fries him. *'''Help me!''' ''[Cyberman: You are in pain. We can remove pain forever.]'' '''No! Not yet! I'm not ready.''' ''[Cyberman: We will give you immortality.]'' '''I've told you. I will upgrade. Only with my last breath!''' ''[Cyberman: Then breathe no more.]'' ''[The Cyberman wheels Lumic away]'' '''No! No! I command you, no!''' *'''NOOOOOOOOO!''' **Who: John Lumic (Roger Lloyd Pack) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]] [[w: The Age of Steel|The Age of Steel]]'' **Note: John Lumic pleads this after his henchman Crane cuts off his life-support keeping him alive in his wheelchair. He is taken to be cyberized into the Cyber Controller. For the second line, he says this realizing the Doctor and his party have ruined his schemes. In his new cyberized body, he gives chase to the Doctor's escaping party on one of his zeppelins, but Peter Tyler (from the Cybus Earth) says "Jackie Tyler! THIS IS FOR HER!" and he uses the Sonic Screwdriver to loosen the ladder and send Lumic falling to his death into the rising fires. *'''We've got to. Before they kill everyone else. There's no choice, Doctor. It's got to be done.''' **Who: Mrs. Moore/Angela Price (Helen Griffin) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]] [[w: The Age of Steel|The Age of Steel]]'' **Note: Mrs. Moore says this to deactivate the Emotion Inhibitors which will self-destruct everyone who has been cyberized as Cybermen and for the Doctor to make this difficult choice. However, another Cyberman electrocutes her before the two can proceed. *'''Open door 40! Open door 40! OPEN DOOR 40! OPEN DOOR 40! OPEN DOOR 40!''' **Who: Scooti Manista (MyAnna Buring) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Impossible Planet|The Impossible Planet]] **Note: Scooti sees the Beast-possessed Toby Zed on the surface of the planet and then tries to escape through door 40, but then Toby psychically breaks the glass, causing Scooti to be sucked out into space. Her dead body is later seen drifting into the black hole. *'''Well... if I might chose the manner of my departure, sir... lack of air seems more natural than... well... let's say... death by Ood. I'd appreciate it sir!''' ''[Zach: Godspeed, Mr. Jefferson]'' '''Thank you, sir.''' **Who: Officer John Maynard Jefferson PKD (Danny Webb) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Satan Pit|The Satan Pit]] **Note: John Jefferson says this knowing he's going to die by the possessed Ood and wants to suffocate instead since he is trapped in maintenance tunnel 8.1. The oxygen is cut off and he suffocates with his light going out. His death is logged by his captain as the officer died in the line of duty. *'''My cane! You stupid man-- OH, NO!''' **Who: The Abzorbaloff (Peter Kay) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Love & Monsters|Love & Monsters]] **Note: The Abzorbaloff says this to Elton Pope, who has just broken the cane which generates his limitation field. This causes the Abzorbaloff to then collapse into a puddle of liquid, which is absorbed by the earth. *'''Don't! I-I-I'll tell you everything you need! No! No! AAAAAHHHH!''' **Who: Rajesh Singh (Raji James) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Doomsday (Doctor Who)|Doomsday]] **Note: The Cult of Skaro use their manipulator arms to extract brainwaves from Rajesh Singh's mind, killing him in the process. *'''Enjoy your victory, Judoon, because you're going to burn with me. BURN IN HELL!''' **Who: Florence Finnigan (Anne Reid) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Smith and Jones|Smith and Jones]] **Note: After being exposed as the Plasmavore, Florence Finnigan activates the Royal hope Hospital's MRI scanner in an attempt to destroy the side of the Earth facing the moon, then says this line to the Judoon before they shoot her with their laser blasters. *''' Hold hard, Wanton Woman! I shall return, later.''' **Who: Lynley (Chris Larkin) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Shakespeare Code|The Shakespeare Code]] **Note: Says this line to Lilith, who takes a piece of his hair, which she uses to create a doll of him, which she places into a bucket of water, causing him to drown. *'''No! Get off me! I did everything you asked me! No!''' **Who: Mr. Diagoras (Eric Loren) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Daleks in Manhattan|Daleks in Manhattan]] **Note: Says this line before Dalek Sec merges with him. *'''No! I beg you, don't!''' **Who: Dalek Sec **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Evolution of the Daleks|Evolution of the Daleks]] **Note: Sec pleads for the Cult of Skaro to not kill the Doctor, then stands up in front of Dalek Thay's laser just as he fires it. *'''I will feed soon.''' ''[The Doctor: I'm not gonna let that happen.]'' '''You've not been able to stop me so far.''' **Who: Professor Richard Lazarus (Mark Gatiss) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Lazarus Experiment|The Lazarus Experiment]] **Note: Says this before transforming into his mutated form. He chases Martha and Tish Jones up into a belltower, from which he ends up falling to his death. *'''Korwin, you're sick.''' **Who: Abi Lerner (Vinette Robinson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:42 (Doctor Who)|42]] **Note: Says this line before she is incinerated by the sun-possessed Hal Korwin. *'''I have till the rain stops.''' **Who: Billy Shipton (Louis Mahoney) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:Blink (Doctor Who)|Blink]] **Note: After being sent back in time by the Weeping Angels, Billy tells Sally Sparrow to meet him in the hospital and soon passes away from old age. *'''All the same, Rickston's right. Me and Foon should--''' **Who: Morvin Van Hoff (Clive Rowe) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Voyage of the Damned (Doctor Who)|Voyage of the Damned]] **Note: Says this line before he falls into the Titanic's storm drive engine. *'''Pretty girl.''' **Who: Bannakaffalata (Jimmy Vee) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Voyage of the Damned (Doctor Who)|Voyage of the Damned]] **Note: After unleashing his EMP to destroy the Heavenly Host, Bannakaffalata says this line to Astrid Peth before he dies due to his energy running out. *'''Not so clever now, Doctor. A shame we couldn't work together. You're rather good. All that banter yet not a word wasted. Time for me to retire. The Titanic is falling. The sky will burn. Let the Christmas inferno commence. Oh! Oh, Host! kill him.''' **Who: Max Capricorn (George Costigan) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Voyage of the Damned (Doctor Who)|Voyage of the Damned]] **Note: Max Capricorn gloats this having shut off the spaceship Titanic's engines so as to destroy Earth in the Christmas Inferno. Before the Host can execute the Doctor, Astrid Peth heroically sacrifices herself with a forklift to kill both herself and her former boss. *'''I'm far more than that. I'm nanny, to all these children.''' **Who: Cofelia a.k.a. Ms. Foster (Sarah Lancashire) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Partners in Crime (Doctor Who)|Partners in Crime]] **Note: Ms Foster/Cofelia barbs this saying she is the nanny for the Adipose she conceived illegally through humans on Earth. Since the crime has been found out, the Doctor reminds, "Exactly! Mom and dad have got the kids now, they don't need the nanny anymore!" Sure enough, the levitation beam from the Adipose ship is deactivated, sending Cofelia falling to her death on the pavement below. *'''Just shoot them! Shoot to kill!''' **Who: Solana Mercurio (Ayesha Dharker) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Planet of the Ood|Planet of the Ood]] **Note: Orders the guards to shoot the Ood before she is killed by one of them. *'''Come back! Let me out of here!''' **Who: Kess (Roger Griffiths) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Planet of the Ood|Planet of the Ood]] **Note: Kess demands the Ood to release him before he is exposed to the gas that he was going to use to kill them. *'''Sontar HA!''' **Who: Luke Rattigan (Ryan Sampson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Poison Sky|The Poison Sky]] **Note: Luke says this this after transporting the Doctor off the Sontaran flagship and uses the Doctor's atmospheric converter bomb to kill both himself and the Sontarans on board. *'''Look at their hands. They're clean.''' **Who: Cline's companion **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[wikipedia:The_Doctor's_Daughter|The Doctor's Daughter]] **Note: *'''Oh, no!''' **Who: Gerald Peach (Ian Barritt) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Unicorn and the Wasp|The Unicorn and the Wasp]] **Note: Says this line before he is killed by a blow to the head with a lead pipe. *'''The poor... little... child...''' **Who: Chandrakala (Leena Dhingra) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Unicorn and the Wasp|The Unicorn and the Wasp]] **Note: Killed when the Vespiform crushes her with a gargoyle. *'''What's to stop me killing you all?!''' **Who: Reverend Golighty / The Vespiform (Tom Goodman-Hill) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Unicorn and the Wasp|The Unicorn and the Wasp]] **Note: Tricked into drowning himself. *'''Er, this might be important, actually.''' **Who: Miss Evangelista **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Silence in the Library|Silence in the Library]] **Note: Uploaded into the Library shortly after. *'''One, two, three, four, five, six!''' **Who: Hostess (Rakie Ayola) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:Midnight (Doctor Who)|Midnight]] **Note: Throws both herself and the possessed Sky Silvestry out of the shuttle bus's door *'''Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.''' ''[Dalek: Yes. We know who you are.]'' '''Oh, you know nothing of any human. And that will be your downfall.''' **Who: Harriet Jones (Penelope Wilton) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Stolen Earth|The Stolen Earth]] **Note: Says these lines when three Daleks break into her house and then kill her. *'''I'm going home, mate!''' **Who: Bus Driver (Keith Parry) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:Planet of the Dead|Planet of the Dead]] **Note: Runs into the wormhole connecting San Helios to Earth, only to be incinerated and reduced to a skeleton. *'''The very first garden off Earth. Everything brand new. Eden. That's what we should have called this place.''' **Who: Andy Stone (Alan Ruscoe) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Waters of Mars|The Waters of Mars]] **Note: After taking a bite of a carrot that he had washed with Bowie Base One's water supply, Andy Stone is infected by the Flood. *'''Sarah! God help us! There's this man!''' **Who: Tommo (Pete Lee-Wilson) **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The End of Time|The End of Time]] **Note: Says this line to Sarah, the burger seller, only to find that she has been eaten to the bone by the Master, who then proceeds to devour both him and Ginger. ====Eleventh Doctor era==== *'''Well, I'm hardly going to smell of cheese and biscuits.''' **Who: Francesco **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Vampires of Venice|The Vampires of Venice]] **Note: Says this line before Amy kills him by reflecting sunlight onto him using a mirror. *'''We are Venetians!''' **Who: Guido **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Vampires of Venice|The Vampires of Venice]] **Note: Says this line before causing an explosion that destroys himself and the Saturnyne converts. *'''Look after our baby.''' *'''Doctor, the Dream Lord conceded. This isn't a dream.''' **Who: Rory Williams **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Amy's Choice (Doctor Who)|Amy's Choice]] **Note: Killed in his own dream world by one of the aliens. Later killed in the Doctor's dream world when the Doctor blows up the TARDIS. *'''I love Rory, and I never told him. But now he's gone.''' *'''How do you know that?''' **Who: Amy Pond **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Amy's Choice (Doctor Who)|Amy's Choice]] **Note: Killed in Rory's dream world when she drives her car into the side of her house. Later killed in the Doctor's dream world when the Doctor blows up the TARDIS. *'''You're so beautiful. I'm sorry...''' **Who: Rory Williams **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Cold Blood (Doctor Who)|Cold Blood]] **Note: Shot by a Silurian, erased from the timeline. *'''I'm sorry, my love.''' **Who: River Song **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Pandorica Opens|The Pandorica Opens]] **Note: Trapped in a time loop by the exploding TARDIS to keep her alive. Eventually rescued by the [[Eleventh Doctor]]. *'''There it is. You remember. This is you and you are staying.''' **Who: Amy Pond **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Pandorica Opens|The Pandorica Opens]] **Note: Shot by an Auton duplicate of Rory Williams. Eventually revived thanks to the Pandorica. *'''How can he do that? Is he magic?''' **Who: Amelia Pond **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Big Bang (Doctor Who)|The Big Bang]] **Note: Last words said prior to the universe rebooting. *'''It's all right. It's quite all right. I'm dying. But I can fix that. It's easy, really. See?''' **Who: Melody Pond **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Day of the Moon|Day of the Moon]] **Note: Said prior to regenerating into Mels. *'''Rats was all I could hear.''' *'''I know you can do this. Of course, if you muck it up, I'm going to be really cross. And dead.''' **Who: Rory Williams **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Curse of the Black Spot|The Curse of the Black Spot]] **Note: *'''Shut up, Dad! I'm focusing on a dress size!''' **Who: Mels **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Let's Kill Hitler|Let's Kill Hitler]] **Note: Shot by Hitler, then regenerates into River Song *'''Show me Earth. Show me home. Did I ever tell you about this boy I met there? He pretended to be in a band...''' **Who: Amy-2 **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Girl Who Waited|The Girl Who Waited]] **Note: Killed by Handbots, erased from the timeline. *'''Changing the future! It's called marriage...''' *'''Raggedy Man... Goodbye!''' *'''Tell her this is the story of Amelia Pond. And this is how it ends...''' **Who: Amy Pond **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Angels Take Manhattan|The Angels Take Manhattan]] **Note: Jumps off a building with Rory. Later follows Rory into the past via a Weeping Angel and writes her last words to the Doctor in the epilogue of her book. *'''Run, you clever boy, and remember.''' **Who: Oswin Oswald **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Asylum of the Daleks|The Asylum of the Daleks]] **Note: Killed when the Asylum explodes. *'''Run, you clever boy, and remember...''' **Who: Clara Oswin Oswald **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Snowmen (Doctor Who)|The Snowmen]] **Note: Dies due to internal injuries after falling off the Doctor's cloud. *'''Run, you clever boy, and remember me.''' **Who: Clara Oswald **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Name of the Doctor|The Name of the Doctor]] **Note: Fades away after saying goodbye to the Doctor. *'''Goodbye, Sweetie.''' **Who: River Song's Data Ghost **Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Name of the Doctor|The Name of the Doctor]] **Note: Fades away after saying goodbye to the Doctor. *'''Then you're gonna die right here. Best news all day!''' ** Who: Cass ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Night of the Doctor|The Night of the Doctor]] ** Note: Said to the [[Eighth Doctor]] but counted in the Eleventh Doctor's era due to being broadcast during the 50th Anniversary celebrations. Killed when her ship crashes into Karn, which also briefly kills the Eighth Doctor. *'''The Doctor... is... escaping! What... are... these words? Explain! Explain!''' ** Who: Dalek Soldier ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Day of the Doctor|The Day of the Doctor]] ** Note: Shot and killed by a Time Lord soldier. *'''I understand. Live for me, my darling. We shall be together again!''' ** Who: Queen Elizabeth's Zygon Duplicate ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Day of the Doctor|The Day of the Doctor]] ** Note: Stabbed by the real Elizabeth offscreen. *'''I don't know, I can't see it.''' ** Who: Skarr's aide ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Time of the Doctor|The Time of the Doctor]] ** Note: Said in response to their invisibility cloak being exposed. Blown up by the Church of the Papal Mainframe *'''Well. It looks invisible to me.''' ** Who: Commander Skarr ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Time of the Doctor|The Time of the Doctor]] ** Note: Said in response to their invisibility cloak being exposed. Blown up by the Church of the Papal Mainframe *'''Signal verified.''' ** Who: Wooden Cyberman ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Time of the Doctor|The Time of the Doctor]] ** Note: Tricked into self-immolation *'''Exterminate! Exterminate the Doctor''' ** Who: Supreme Dalek ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Time of the Doctor|The Time of the Doctor]] ** Note: Incinerated by the Doctor's regeneration energy ====Twelfth Doctor era==== *'''Bow down before your new king, you Prince of knaves.''' ** Who: Sheriff of Nottingham (Ben Miller) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:Robot of Sherwood|Robot of Sherwood]] ** Note: Character's last words before he is pushed into a vat of molten gold by Robin Hood. *'''Oh no! Get it off! Get it off!''' ** Who: Mrs. Pitt (Janet Henfrey) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:Mummy on the Orient Express|Mummy on the Orient Express]] ** Note: Killed by the Foretold, with her death later being diagnosed as a heart attack. *'''To keep an eye on you, idiot. So, don't die.''' ** Who: Alice O'Donnell (Morven Christie) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:Before the Flood (Doctor Who)|Before the Flood]] ** Note: Dies after being fatally injured by the Fisher King. *'''Spare me, my brothers!''' ** Who: Leandro (Ariyon Bakare) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Woman Who Lived|The Woman Who Lived]]'' *'''Okay, whatever that is, that is not meant to happen.''' ** Who: Douglas (Tony Gardner) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Pyramid at the End of the World|The Pyramid at the End of the World]]'' ** Note: Character's last spoken line before he is killed by the bacteria that he has unwittingly created. *'''Gentlemen! It's been a privilege, however brief, to command you, but all good things come to an end.''' ** Who: Neville Catchlove (Ferdinand Kingsley) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:Empress of Mars|Empress of Mars]] ** Note: Says this line before trying to escape with Iraxxa as his hostage, only for Colonel Godsacre to shoot him dead. ====Thirteenth Doctor era==== *'''Where's my sister?''' ** Who: Rahul (Amit Shah) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Woman Who Fell To Earth|The Woman Who Fell To Earth]] ** Note: Asks this question to Tzim-Sha before the latter kills him. *'''Promise me... you won't be scared...''' ''[Graham: What do you mean?]'' '''Without me.''' ** Who: Grace O'Brien (Sharon D. Clarke) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Woman Who Fell To Earth|The Woman Who Fell To Earth]] ** Note: Dies after falling off a crane while destroying Tzim-Sha's gathering coil. *'''This must be some sort of joke!''' ''[Dalek: Daleks do not joke!]'' '''And I do not surrender!''' ** Who: Jo Patterson (Harriet Walter) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revolution of the Daleks|Revolution of the Daleks]] ** Note: Killed by the Daleks after they have taken over the Defence Drones. *'''I can be purified. My genetics can be modified.''' ** Who: Reconnaissance Dalek ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Revolution of the Daleks|Revolution of the Daleks]] ** Note: Killed by the Death Squad Daleks. *'''Please don't tell us what to do. It's just a perfectly normal...''' ''[The angel grabs his coat]'' '''How is that...?''' ** Who: Gerald (Vincent Brimble) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Village of the Angels|Village of the Angels]] ** Note: Yaz, Dan and Peggy try to warn Gerald and his wife, Jean, to not walk past one of the Weeping Angels, but they ignore their warnings and walk in front of the Weeping Angel, allowing it to grab Gerald's coat. When Gerald and Jean try to pull his coat away, they both touch the angel and turn to stone before crumbling into dust. *'''You don't belong here.''' ** Who: Tecteun (Barbara Flynn) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: Survivors of the Flux|Survivors of the Flux]] ** Note: Killed by Swarm. *'''What an awfully big adventure.''' ** Who: Professor Eustacius Jericho (Kevin McNally) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Vanquishers|The Vanquishers]] ** Note: Killed by the Flux *'''Ascension.''' ** Who: Azure (Rochenda Sandall) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w:The Vanquishers|The Vanquishers]] ====Fourteenth Doctor era==== *'''Sergeant Zogroth regrets retirement from active duty...''' ** Who: Sergeant Zogroth ** Source: ''[[Doctor Who]]'' [[w: The Star Beast (Doctor Who episode)|The Star Beast]] ** Note: Killed by the Meep. ====Fifteenth Doctor era==== *'''Sunlight! I am light! The light of creation... I am everything... and I am nothing. Goodbye. ** Who: Lux Imperator ** Source: Lux ** Note: As the God of Light is hit by sunlight, he absorbs so much light that his body is spread too thin and he disappears completely. ===''Torchwood''=== ''to be added'' ===''The Sarah Jane Adventures''=== *'''I'll go back. I'll kill her.''' ** Who: Davey (Jamie Davis) ** Source: ''[[The Sarah Jane Adventures]]'' [[w: Invasion of the Bane|Invasion of the Bane]] ** Note: After failing to kill Sarah Jane Smith, Davey begs Mrs Wormwood for another chance to defeat her, but he is fed to the Bane Mother. *'''He's my son. Please, let him live.''' ** Who: Kist Magg Thek Lutiven-Day Slitheen (Ian Midlane) ** Source: ''[[The Sarah Jane Adventures]]'' [[w: Revenge of the Slitheen|Revenge of the Slitheen]] ** Note: Kist and his son Korst are trapped by a sealing door about to be electrocuted. Kist asks Sarah Jane Smith to let his son live, to which Sarah obliges by allowing Korst to teleport away, leaving Kist to die. *'''My stomach! It's- Argh! ARGH!''' ** Who: Leef Apple Glyn Slitheen-Blathereen (Miriam Margolyes) ** Source: ''[[The Sarah Jane Adventures]]'' [[w: The Gift (The Sarah Jane Adventures)|The Gift]] ** Note: Sarah Jane Smith uses the sound of an alarm bell to destroy the Rakweed in Leef's stomach, releasing a lot of methane into her body that destroys her. ===''K-9''=== ''to be added'' ===''Class''=== ''to be added'' ==Comics== ===TV Comic comics=== ''to be added'' ===''Doctor Who Magazine'' comics === ''to be added'' ===''Doctor Who Adventures'' comics=== ''to be added'' ===IDW Publishing comics=== ''to be added'' ===Titan Publishing Group comics=== ''to be added'' ==Prose== ===Target novelisations=== ''to be added'' ===''Virgin New Adventures''=== ''to be added'' ===''Virgin Missing Adventures''=== ''to be added'' ===''BBC Past Doctor Adventures''=== ''to be added'' ===''BBC Eighth Doctor Adventures''=== ''to be added'' ===Short Trips=== ''to be added'' ===''BBC New Series Adventures''=== ''to be added'' ===Quick Reads=== ''to be added'' ===BBC Books Anthologies=== ''to be added'' ==Video Games== ''to be added'' ==Audios== ===BBC AudioGO Dramas=== ''to be added'' ===Big Finish Productions=== * '''No, no, I'm here to save-Agh! I'm here to sa-AAAAGGGHH!''' ** Who: Alex Marlowe (Nigel Planer) **Source: "Hothouse" * '''Not likely, mate. You come here, you mess up my planet, you mess up my life, and now you say you're going to kill the best bloke I've ever met. And you think I'm just gonna what, bleedin' surrender?! Well all I can say is you don't know me. You don't know me at all, and in case you wanted to know who it was that blew you to pieces; the name is Lucie Miller! You got that? Lucie bleedin' Miller!''' ** Who: Lucie Miller (Sheridan Smith) ** Source: "To the Death" * '''Oh well. It was good to remember what hope felt like.''' ** Who: Hoster (David Dobson) ** Source: "Daleks Victorious" ==Webcasts== ''to be added'' ==Others== ''to be added'' [[Category:Doctor Who|Last words]] [[Category:Fictional last words|Doctor Who]] in3p9jq9y6ij274hvo6w1nx3aa3tu1t 0 122135 3944412 3928392 2026-05-23T08:29:48Z ~2026-17291-92 3303475 /* Dialogue */ 3944412 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1]]''''' is a British [[w:2010 in film|2010 film]] in which Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger while racing against time and evil to destroy the Horcruxes, uncovers the existence of the three most powerful objects in the wizarding world: the Deathly Hallows. The film is the first part of the final film in the [[Harry Potter (films)|Harry Potter film series]]. :''Directed by [[w:David Yates|David Yates]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on [[w:Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows|the novel]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' {{center|'''The End Begins.'''[[#Taglines|Taglines]]}} == Harry Potter == * Nobody else is going to die. Not for me. * I have to start finding these Horcruxes. ''[refers to Tom Riddle]'' They're our only chance to beat him, and the longer we stay here, the stronger he gets. * I want to go to Godric's Hollow. It's where I was born. It's where my parents died. * ''[as he and Hermione arrive at Godric's Hollow, refusing Hermione's advice to use Polyjuice Potion]'' This is where I was born. I'm not returning as someone else. * ''[coming across the old Potter family cottage, where Voldemort killed his parents; to Hermione]'' This is where they died, Hermione. This is where he murdered them. == Ron Weasley == * Seems strange, mate. Dumbledore sends you off to find all these Horcruxes, but doesn't tell you how to destroy them. Doesn't that bother you? * ''[Referring to Hermione]'' We won't last two days without her. ''[pause]'' Don't tell her I said that. * No, you don't know how it feels! Your parents are ''dead''! You have ''no'' family! * Fine. I get it. I saw you two the other night. * ''Please. Come back''. * ''[to Mary Cattermole while disguised as her husband]'' Mary, go home. Get the kids. We have to get out of the country, understand? Mary, do as I say! == Hermione Granger == * ''[realizing something]'' We didn't celebrate your birthday, Harry! Ginny and I, we prepared a cake. We were going to bring it out at the end of the wedding. * Actually, I'm highly logical which allows me to look past extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook. * ''[whispering to Harry when she sees a mysterious figure watching them]'' Harry, there's someone watching us. By the church. ''['''Harry:''' I think I know who that is.]'' * ''[Reading the Tale of the Three Brothers]'' "There were once three brothers who were traveling along a lonely winding road, at twilight. In time, the brothers reached a river too treacherous to pass, but being learned in the magical arts, the three brothers simply waved their wands and made a bridge. Before they could cross, however, they found their path blocked by a hooded figure. It was Death, and he felt cheated. Cheated because travelers would normally drown in the river, but Death was cunning. He pretended to congratulate the three brothers on their magic and said that each had earned a prize for having been clever enough to evade him. The oldest asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence, so Death fashioned him one from an elder tree that stood nearby. The second brother decided he wanted to humiliate Death even further and asked for the power to recall loved ones from the grave, so Death plucked a stone from the river and offered it to him. Finally, Death turned to the third brother. A humble man, he asked for something that would allow him to go forth from that place without being followed by Death. And so it was that Death reluctantly handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility. The first brother traveled to a distant village. While with the Elder Wand in hand, he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarreled. Drunk with the power that the Elder Wand had given him, he bragged of his invincibility. But that night, another wizard stole the wand and slit the brother's throat for good measure. And so Death took the first brother for his own. The second brother journeyed to his home, where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand. To his delight, the girl he had once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him. Yet, soon she turned sad and cold for she did not belong in the mortal world. Driven mad with hopeless longing, the second brother killed himself so as to join her. And so Death took the second brother. As for the third brother, Death searched for many years but was never able to find him. Only when he attained a great age did the youngest brother shed the Cloak of Invisibility and give it to his son. He then greeted Death as an old friend and went with him gladly, departing this life as equals." == Lord Voldemort == * Wormtail! Have I not spoken to you about keeping our guest quiet?! * As inspiring as I find your bloodlust, Bellatrix, I must be the one to kill Harry Potter. * To those of you who do not know. We are joined tonight by Ms. Charity Burbage, who until recently, taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Her specialty was Muggle Studies. It is Ms. Burbage's belief that Muggles are not so different from us. She would, given her way, have us mate with them. ''[Bellatrix gags in disgust]'' To her, the mixture of magical and Muggle blood is not an abomination, but something to be encouraged. == Dobby the House Elf == * Harry Potter. So long it's been. * Dobby has come to rescue Harry Potter, of course. Dobby will always be there for Harry Potter. * Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf. And Dobby has come to save Harry Potter and his friends! * ''[last words]'' Such a beautiful place, to be with friends. Dobby is happy to be with his friend, Harry Potter. == Others == * '''Rufus Scrimgeour''': ''[First lines]'' These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. But I say this to our citizenry: We, ever your servants, will continue to defend your liberty and repel the forces that seek to take it from you! Your Ministry remains...strong. * '''Bill Weasley''': Mad-Eye's dead. Mundungus took one look at Voldemort and disapparated. * '''Ollivander''': ''[while being tortured by Voldemort]'' I believed a different wand would work, I swear! * '''Neville Longbottom''': ''[Confronting Death Eaters on the train]'' Hey, losers, [[w:Harry Potter (character)|he]] isn't here. * '''Xenophilius Lovegood''': ''[draws a line]'' The Elder Wand, the most powerful wand ever made. ''[draws a circle]'' The Resurrection Stone. ''[draws a triangle]'' The Cloak of Invisibility. Together, they make the Deathly Hallows. Together, they make one master of death. * '''Lucius Malfoy''': ''[To Scabior]'' You dare to talk to me like that '''IN MY OWN HOUSE?!''' * '''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[Ordering Narcissa to put both Harry and Ron in the cellar]'' Cissy, put the boys in the cellar! ''[To Hermione]'' I want to have a little conversation with this one, girl-to-girl! == Dialogue == :'''Rufus Scrimgeour''': ''[First lines]'' These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. But I say this to our citizenry: We, ever your servants, will continue to defend your liberty and repel the forces that seek to take it from you! Your Ministry remains...strong. :''[Snape arrives at Malfoy Manor where Voldemort and the Death Eaters are holding a meeting]'' :'''Voldemort''': ''[pleased]'' Severus. I was beginning to worry you had lost your way. Come, we've saved you a seat. ''[Snape takes a seat at the table]'' You bring news, I trust? :'''Snape''': It will happen Saturday next, at nightfall. :'''Yaxley''': I heard differently, my Lord. Dawlish, the Auror, has let slip that the Potter boy will not be moved until the 30th of this month, the day before he turns 17. :'''Snape''': This is a false trail. The Auror office no longer plays any part in the protection of Harry Potter. Those closest to him believe we have infiltrated the Ministry. :'''Squat Death Eater''': Well! ''[wheezes a laugh]'' They've got that right, then, haven't they? :''[Several other Death Eaters laugh]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[appearing with Fleur Delacour]'' Hello, Harry. Bill Weasley. :'''Harry''': ''[shakes hands with him]'' Oh. Pleasure to meet you. ''[notices and recognizes Fleur, and hugs her]'' :'''Fred''': He was never always this handsome. :'''George''': Dead ugly. :'''Bill''': True enough. <hr width="50%"> :'''Moody''': Potter, you're underage, which means you still have the Trace on you. :'''Harry''': What's the Trace? :'''Moody''': If you sneeze, the Ministry will know who wipes your nose. Point is, we'll have to use those means of transport the Trace can't detect: Brooms, Thestrals, and the like; we'll go in pairs. That way if anyone's out there waiting for us, and I reckon there '''''will be'''''... they won't know which Harry Potter is the real one. :'''Harry''': The '''''real one'''''? :'''Moody''': ''[takes out Polyjuice Potion]'' I reckon that you're familiar with this particular brew. :'''Harry''': ''[recognizes it; sarcastically]'' No, absolutely not. :'''Hermione''': Told you he'd take it well. :'''Harry''': No, if you think I'm gonna let everyone risk their lives for me... :'''Ron''': Never done that before, have we? :'''Harry''': No. No. This is different. I mean, taking that, becoming me. No. <hr width="50%"> :'''Moody''': All right, Granger. As discussed. :'''Harry''': ''[as Hermione plucks a piece of his hair off his head]'' Blimey, Hermione. :'''Moody''': Straight in here if you please. ''[Hermione dips the hair into the flask]'' For those of you who haven't taken Polyjuice Potion before, fair warning: it tastes like goblin piss. :'''Fred''': Have lots of experience with that, do you, Mad-Eye? ''[Moody glares at him]'' ...Just trying to diffuse the tension. :''[Fred, George, Mundungus, Fleur, Hermione, and Ron take a sip of the Polyjuice Potion and transform into the six Potters]'' :'''Fred and George''': Wow, we're identical! :'''Moody''': Not yet, you're not. :''[All seven, including the real Harry, put on the same clothes]'' :'''George''': Haven't got anything a bit more sporting, have you? :'''Fred''': Yeah, I don't really fancy this color. :'''Moody''': Well, fancy this, you're not you. So shut it and strip. :'''Mundungus''': All right, all right. :'''Moody''': ''[to Harry]'' You'll need to change too, Potter. :'''Fleur''': ''[while undressing]'' Bill, look away. I'm hideous. :'''Ron''': I knew she was lying about that tattoo. :'''Hermione''': ''[putting on Harry's glasses]'' Harry, your eyesight really '''''is''''' awful. :'''Moody''': Right, then. We'll be pairing off. Each Potter will have a protector. Mundungus, stick tight to me. I wanna keep an eye on ya. As for Harry... :'''Everyone''': Yes? :'''Moody''': The '''''real''''' Harry. Where the devil are you, anyway? :'''Harry''': ''[steps in]'' Here. :'''Moody''': You'll ride with Hagrid. :'''Hagrid''': ''[to Harry]'' I brought you here 16 years ago when you were no bigger than a Bowtruckle. Seems only right that I should be the one to take you away now. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Harry, Hagrid, Lupin, and an injured George arrive at the Burrow, Lupin holds Harry up against the wall, pointing his wand at him]'' :'''Hagrid''': Lupin! :'''Ginny''': What are you doing?! :'''Lupin''': What creature sat in the corner the first time Harry Potter visited my office in Hogwarts? :'''Harry''': ARE YOU MAD?! :'''Lupin''': '''''WHAT CREATURE?!''''' :'''Harry''': A-A Grindylow! :'''Lupin''': ''[releases Harry; remorsefully]'' We've been betrayed. Voldemort knew you were being moved tonight. I had to make sure you're not an impostor. ''[Harry nods in agreement; bolts outside the Burrow after hearing Shacklebolt and Hermione arrive]'' Wait! ''[points his wand at Shacklebolt]'' :'''Shacklebolt''': ''[pointing his wand at Lupin]'' The last words that Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us? :'''Lupin''': "Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him." :'''Shacklebolt''': ''[to Harry]'' What gave you away? :'''Harry''': Hedwig, I think. She was tryna protect me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fred''': ''[walking into the Burrow and sees his injured twin brother laying on the couch]'' How you feeling, Georgie? :'''George''': ''[quietly]'' Saint-like. :'''Fred''': ''[confused pause]'' Come again? :'''George''': Saint-like. I'm holy... ''[Points to spot where part of his ear is missing]'' I’m holy, Fred. Get it? :'''Fred''': ''[laughs quietly]'' The whole wide world of ear-related humor, and you go for, "I'm holy"? You're pathetic. :'''George''': Reckon I'm still better looking than you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ginny''': ''[while Harry zips her dress up]'' Seems silly, doesn't it? A wedding. Given everything that's going on. :'''Harry''': Maybe that's the best reason to have it. Because of everything that's going on. :''[She turns to him and they kiss. George sneaks into the kitchen silently; he stirs a cup of tea and sticks the spoon in the hole where the missing part of his ear was. Ginny spots him and stops kissing Harry, and the two stare at George]'' :'''George''': ''[raising a cup of tea]'' Morning. <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry orders Ron to get the lights out with the Deluminator and Hermione to close the window blinds in the café after knocking out two Death Eaters in a fight]'' :'''Harry''': This one's name is Rowle. He was on the Astronomy Tower the night Snape killed Dumbledore. :'''Ron''': This is Dolohov. I recognize him from the wanted posters. So, what we gonna do with you, eh? Kill us if it was turned round, wouldn't you? :'''Harry''': If we kill them, they'll know we were here. :'''Hermione''': Ron. :'''Ron''': Suppose he did Mad-Eye. How would you feel then? :'''Harry''': It's better we wipe their memories. <hr width="50%"> :'''Harry''': ''[after dragging Kreacher out of the cupboard]'' You've been spying on us, have you?! :'''Kreacher''': Kreacher has been watching. :'''Hermione''': Maybe he knows where the real locket is. :'''Harry''': ''[takes the fake locket off the table and holds up]'' Have you ever seen this before? Kreacher? :'''Kreacher''': It's Master Regulus' locket. :'''Harry''': But there were '''''two''''', weren't there? Where's the other one? :'''Kreacher''': Kreacher doesn't '''''know''''' where the other locket is. :'''Hermione''': Yes, but did you ever see it? Was it in this house? <hr width="50%"> :'''Hermione''': ''[to Ron and Harry before taking the Polyjuice potion that will transform them into Albert Runcorn, Reginald Cattermole and Mafalda Hopkirk, respectively]'' Right. Remember what we said, don't speak to anyone unless absolutely necessary. Just, try and act normal. Do what everybody else is doing. If we do that then with a bit of luck, we'll get inside. And then... :'''Harry''': It gets really tricky. :'''Hermione''': Correct. :'''Harry''': ''[sighs]'' This is completely mental. :'''Hermione''': Completely. :'''Ron''': The world's mental. ''[later, as Cattermole]'' Come on. We've got a Horcrux to find. <hr width="50%"> :'''Yaxley''': ''[preventing the elevator from closing; menacingly]'' Cattermole. It's still raining inside my office. That's two days now. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Have you tried an umbrella? :'''Yaxley''': You '''''do''''' realize where going, don't you Cattermole? Downstairs to interrogate your wife. You have 1 hour. ''[leaves]'' :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Oh God, what am I gonna do? My wife's all alone downstairs! :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' Ron, you don't '''''have''''' a wife. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Oh yeah, right. But how do I stop it raining? :'''Hermione''': ''[as Mafalda]'' Try "Finite Incantatem." This is you, Ron. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole; steps out of the elevator]'' "Finite Incantatem." Okay. And if that doesn't work? :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' I'd say if we don't locate Umbridge within the hour, we go find Ron and come back another day. Deal? :'''Hermione''': ''[as Mafalda]'' Yes. :''[the door opens; Umbridge enters]'' :'''Umbridge''': ''[to Hermione, as Mafalda, stepping into the elevator]'' Ah, Mafalda. Travers sent you, did he? Good. We'll go straight down. ''[to Harry, as Runcorn]'' Albert, aren't you getting out? :''[He reluctantly walks out of the elevator. Hermione, as Mafalda has a scared look on her face as she descends in the elevator with Umbridge]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Ron walks into the elevator and sees Harry as Runcorn not recognizing that it's him]'' :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Morning. :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' Ron, it's me. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Harry! Blimey, forgot what you looked like. Where's Hermione? :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' She's gone down to the courtrooms, with Umbridge. <hr width="50%"> :''[Umbridge is presiding over Mary Cattermole's hearing (wearing the locket/horcrux), while Harry (disguised as Albert Runcorn), witnesses, Ron (disguised as Mary's husband, Reg), takes his place beside her, and Hermione (disguised as Mafalda Hopkirk) records the minutes]'' :'''Umbridge''': Mary Elizabeth Cattermole? :'''Mary''': Yes? :'''Umbridge''': A wand was taken from you upon your arrival at the Ministry today, Mrs. Cattermole. ''[holds up said wand]'' Is '''''this''''' that wand? ''[Mary nods]'' Would you please tell the court from which witch or wizard you took this wand? :'''Mary''': I didn't take it. I got it in Diagon Alley, at Ollivander's, when I was 11. It chose me. :'''Umbridge''': You're lying. Wands only choose witches, and you are not a witch. :'''Mary''': But I am. ''[To Ron, as Reg]'' Tell them, Reg. Tell them what I am. ''[Ron is silent]'' Reg, tell them what I am. :''[Harry sees the locket; his anger becomes too much and withdraws his wand]'' :'''Umbridge''': ''[notices the wand deploying; confused]'' What on earth are you doing, Albert? :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn, though his face is starting to mutate back to normal, as the Polyjuice Potion is starting to wear off]'' You're lying, Dolores... ''[Umbridge looks shocked, and Hermione tenses up]'' And onüe mustn't tell lies. ''Stupefy! [stuns Umbridge, knocking her out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trio disapparate into the forest after escaping Corban Yaxley from the Ministry, and Ron gets badly injured with his left arm being splinched]'' :'''Harry''': Hermione, his arm. :'''Hermione''': I know, just do it! It's okay. ''[Harry gives her the Essence of Dittany bottle]'' Okay, it's gonna sting a little bit. ''[starts applying some drops on Ron's arm to heal]'' :'''Harry''': What happened? I thought we meant to go back to Grimmuald Place? :'''Hermione''': We were. Shh. It's all right. One more, one more. We were there. We were there, but Yaxley had hold of me, and… I knew once he'd seen where we were, we couldn't stay, so I brought us here, ''[voice breaking; sobbing]'' but Ron got splinched. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Extended Scene]'' :'''Hermione''': So where do we go next? :'''Harry''': Well, Dumbledore had a theory...that the Horcruxes wouldn't be made out of random objects. And they wouldn't be randomly hidden, either. We know of three so far. Uh, the ring, which according to Dumbledore, belonged to Tom's grandfather. The diary, which obviously belonged to Tom himself. And then this. ''[said referring to the locket]'' Which again, according to Dumbledore, belonged to Tom's mother. :'''Hermione''': It scares me a bit, that. Thinking it's a piece of- :'''Ron''': No. Don't. Don't say it. It's taboo. You-Know-Who's name. That's how they track people now. :'''Harry''': How do you know that? :'''Ron''': I overheard some bloke at the Ministry talking. :'''Hermione''': Tea? :'''Ron''': ''[hears the ticking sound from the locket]'' Is that it? :'''Harry''': ''[also hears the sound and gives Ron the locket]'' Yeah. I know. I felt that too. It's ticking or something. Like it's got a heart. :'''Ron''': Like it's alive. :'''Hermione''': I hate it. It's like he's here with us. :'''Harry''': And that's why we're gonna kill it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Harry's vision, Voldemort finds Gregorovitch at his wand shop and interrogates him]'' :'''Voldemort''': Tell me, Gregorovitch. :'''Gregorovitch''': It was stolen from me. :'''Voldemort''': Who was he? The thief? :''[In Gregorovitch's memory, he finds a man escaping the shop by jumping out of the window with Dumbledore's wand]'' :'''Gregorovitch''': It was a boy. It was he who took it. I never saw it again. I swear on my life. :'''Voldemort''': I believe you. ''Avada Kedavra! [kills Gregorovitch]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are in their tent, and Hermione is cutting Harry's hair neatly]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[remembers]'' Oh, my God! :'''Harry''': ''[flatly]'' What? :'''Hermione''': I'll tell you in a minute. ''[goes to find the book]'' :'''Harry''': ''[following her]'' Maybe you could tell me now. :'''Hermione''': Alright. The Sword of Gryffindor. It's Goblin-made. ''[showing Harry the picture of the Sword of Gryffindor with heavy irony]'' :'''Harry''': Brilliant! :'''Hermione''': No, you don't understand. Dirt and rust have no effect on the blade. It only takes in that which makes it stronger. :'''Harry''': Okay. :'''Hermione''': Harry, you've already destroyed one Horcrux, right? :'''Harry''': Tom Riddle's diary in the Chamber of Secrets. With a Basilisk fang. If you tell me you've got one of those in that bloody beaded bag of yours... :'''Hermione''': Don't you see? In the Chamber of Secrets, you stabbed the Basilisk with the sword of Gryffindor. Its blade is impregnated with Basilisk venom. It only takes in that which makes it stronger. :'''Harry''': Exactly, which is why- :'''Hermione''': It can destroy Horcruxes. That's why Dumbledore left it to you in his will. :'''Harry''': You are brilliant, Hermione. Truly. :'''Hermione''': Actually, I'm highly logical, which allows me to look past extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook. :'''Harry''': Yeah, there's only one problem, of course. :'''Ron''': ''[turns the lamp out with the Deluminator]'' The sword was stolen. ''[walks up, turns the lamp back on with his Deluminator, with a stony look on his face; The locket/horcrux around his neck is affecting him greatly]'' Yeah. I'm still here. But you two carry on. Don't let me spoil your fun. :'''Harry''': What's wrong? :'''Ron''': Well, nothing's wrong. Not according to you, anyway. :'''Harry''': Look, if you've got something to say, don't be shy. Spit it out. :'''Ron''': All right, I'll spit it out. But don't expect me to be grateful just because now there's another damn thing we've gotta find. :'''Harry''': I thought you knew what you signed up for! :'''Ron''': Yeah. I thought I did, too. :'''Harry''': Well then, I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand. What part of this isn't living up to your expectations? Did you think we were gonna be staying in a five-star hotel? Finding a Horcrux every other day? You thought you'd be back with your mum by Christmas? :'''Ron''': I just thought after all this time we would have actually achieved something! I thought you knew what you were doing! I thought Dumbledore would've told you something worthwhile! I thought you had a plan! :'''Harry''': I told you everything Dumbledore told me! And in case you haven't noticed, we have found a Horcrux already. :'''Ron''': ''[bitterly]'' Yeah, and we're about as close to getting rid of it as we are to finding the rest of them, aren't we? :'''Hermione''': ''[trying to intervene]'' Ron, please. ''[tries to take the locket off of Ron, but he angrily shoves her away]'' Please take the Horcrux off! You won't be saying any of this if you hadn't been wearing it all day! :'''Ron''': Do you know why I listen to that radio every night, do you? To make sure I don't hear Ginny's name. Or Fred, or George, or Mum… :'''Harry''': ''[Enraged]'' What, you think I'm not listening too?! You think I don't know how this feels?! :'''Ron''': No, you ''don't'' know how it feels! Your parents are ''dead!'' You ''have'' no family! :''[Enraged at what Ron just said, Harry tackles him]'' :'''Hermione''': Stop! Stop! ''[Ron shoves Harry away from him in far more rage than before]'' :'''Harry''': Fine then, go! Go then! :''[Ron wrenches the locket off, then picks up his bag.]'' :'''Hermione''': Ron... :'''Ron''': ''[turns to Hermione]'' And you? Are you coming or are you staying? ''[Hermione looks torn; she glances from Harry to Ron in shock]'' Fine. I get it. I saw you two the other night. :'''Hermione''': ''[with tears in her eyes]'' Ron, that's... that's nothing! ''[Ron storms out of the tent after looking at Harry one last time, prompting her to follow Ron, while Harry remains behind]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Hermione''': ''[upon arriving at Godric's Hollow]'' We should have taken Polyjuice potion. :'''Harry''': No...this is where I was born. I'm not returning as someone else. <hr width="50%"> :'''Hermione''': You wanted to know who the boy in the photograph was. I know. Gellert Grindelwald. ''[gives Harry the book of '''"The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore"''']'' :'''Harry''': ''[flips the page of a photo of Grindelwald]'' He's the thief I saw in Gregorovitch's wand shop. Speaking of which, where is my wand? Where's my wand, Hermione? :'''Hermione''': ''[lifts up the blanket, revealing Harry's wand, now broken]'' As we were leaving Godric's Hollow, I cast a curse and it rebounded. I'm sorry. I tried to mend it but wands are different. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ron has dragged Harry out of the pond.]'' :'''Harry''': ''[Believing Ron to be Hermione]'' Hermione? :'''Ron''': Are you mental? :'''Harry''': ''[realizes]'' It was you? :'''Ron''': Well, yeah. A bit obvious, I think. :'''Harry''': ''[Puts his pants back on]'' And you cast the doe as well, did you? :'''Ron''': No, I thought that was you. :'''Harry''': No, my Patronus is a stag. :'''Ron''': Right, yeah. ''[makes two antlers on his head with his fingers]'' Antlers. :''[Harry nods in acknowledgement]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Hermione is sleeping inside the tent.]'' :'''Harry''': ''[from outside the tent]'' Hermione? ''[Hermione wakes up]'' Hermione? :'''Hermione''': ''[comes out of the tent]'' Is everything all right? :'''Harry''': It's fine. Actually, you know, it's more than fine. ''[Points towards Ron, who approaches them]'' :'''Ron''': ''[smiling]'' Hey. :''[Enraged, Hermione storms towards Ron]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[takes Ron's backpack off him in rage and drops it on the ground]'' You- ''[hits Ron in the chest in rage]'' complete- ''[Picks up the leaves and uses them to hit Ron]'' '''''ARSE''''', Ronald Weasley! ''[picks up Ron's backpack and uses it to hit him in the leg]'' You show up here after '''''WEEKS!''''' And you say 'Hey'?! ''[turns around to Harry]'' Where's my wand, Harry? Where's my wand? :'''Harry''': I don't know. :'''Hermione''': ''[storms towards Harry in rage, causing Harry to back up against a tree]'' Harry Potter, you give me my wand! :'''Harry''': ''[insistent]'' I don't have it! :'''Ron''': ''[to Hermione]'' How come he's got your wand? :'''Hermione''': ''[turns to Ron]'' Never mind why's he got my wand. ''[notices the Sword of Gryffindor in Ron's hand]'' What is that? ''[Ron holds up the locket that he destroyed last night using the Sword of Gryffindor]'' You destroyed it. ''[glances at Harry, then turns back to Ron]'' And how is it that you just happen to have the Sword of Gryffindor? :'''Harry''': ''[to Hermione]'' It's a long story. :'''Hermione''': ''[glances at Harry, then turns back to Ron]'' Don't think this changes anything. ''[starts to storm back to the tent]'' :'''Ron''': ''[calls out to Hermione]'' Oh, of course not. I only just destroyed a bloody Horcrux. Why would that change anything? ''[Hermione turns around after hearing this]'' Look. I wanted to come back as soon as I left. I just didn't know how to find you. :'''Harry''': ''[to Ron]'' Yeah, how '''''did''''' you find us? :'''Ron''': ''[pulls out the Deluminator]'' With this. It doesn't just turn off lights. I don't know how it works, but Christmas morning, I was sleeping in this little pub, keepin' away from some Snatchers, and I heard it. :'''Harry''': "It"? :'''Ron''': A voice. ''Your'' voice, Hermione. Coming out of it. :'''Hermione''': ''[her arms are folded as she says this]'' And what exactly did I say, may I ask? :'''Ron''': My name. Just my name. Like a whisper. So I took it...clicked it...and this tiny ball of light appeared. And I knew. And sure enough, it floated towards me, the ball of light...went right through my chest, straight through me. ''[touches his heart]'' Right here. And I knew it was gonna take me where I needed to go, so I Disapparated...and came to this hillside. It was dark. I had no idea where I was. I just hoped that one of you would show yourself. And you did. :''[Harry nods, knowing that Ron is referring to him. Ron looks at Harry, then turns to look at Hermione, who processes his words]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry and Ron are sitting on a bed, staring at a small fire inside a jar]'' :'''Ron''': How long do you think she'll stay mad at me? :'''Harry''': Just keep talking about that little ball of light touching your heart, and she'll come 'round. :'''Ron''': It was true, every word. This is gonna sound crazy, but I think that's why Dumbledore left it to me, the Deluminator. I think he knew that somehow I'd need it to find my way back, and she'd lead me. ''[remembers something]'' Bloody hell, I just realized, you need a wand, don't you? :'''Harry''': Yeah. :'''Ron''': I've got one here. ''[pulls out a wand from his bag and hands it to Harry. Harry takes it]'' It's a blackhorn. Ten inches. Nothing special, but I reckon it'll do. Took it off a Snatcher a couple of weeks ago. Don't tell Hermione this, but they're a bit dim, Snatchers. This one was definitely part troll, the smell of him. :'''Harry''': ''[points the wand at the fire]'' Engorgio. ''[the fire bursts into flames]'' '''''REDUCIO!''''' ''[The fire goes back to normal]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[rrom outside the tent]'' What's going on in there? :'''Harry and Ron''': ''[in unison]'' Nothing. <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are walking up the hill, Ron taking the lead]'' :'''Harry''': You're not still mad at him, are you? :'''Hermione''': I'm ''always'' mad at him. <hr width="50%"> :'''Draco''': What's wrong with his face? :'''Bellatrix''': Yes, what is wrong with his face? :'''Scabior''': He came to us like that. Something he picked up in the forest, I reckon. :'''Bellatrix''': Or ran into a Stinging Jinx. ''[gestures to Hermione]'' Was it you, dearie? Give me her wand. We'll see what her last spell was. Ah! Got you! ''[laughs then gasps in shock when she sees a snatcher holding the sword of Gryffindor]'' What is that? Where'd you get that from? :'''Snatcher''': It was in her bag when we searched her. Reckon it's mine now. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bellatrix''': ''[holding Hermione down]'' That sword is meant to be in my vault at Gringotts. How did you get it? What else did you and your friends take '''''FROM MY VAULT?!''''' :'''Hermione''': ''[sobbing and weeping]'' I didn't take anything. Please. I didn't take anything! :'''Bellatrix''': I don't believe it. ''[starts carving the word, '''"Mudblood"''' into Hermione's arm as Hermione screams loudly in pain]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': ''[takes Dobby's hand before they disapparate]'' Whenever you're ready, Sir. :'''Dobby''': "Sir?" I like her very much. ''[takes Mr. Ollivander's hand]'' Meet me at the top of the stairs in 10 seconds. <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry and Ron crept upstairs as Bellatrix interrogates Griphook]'' :'''Bellatrix''': I'm only going to ask you once more, goblin. Think very, very carefully before you answer. :'''Griphook''': I don't know. :'''Bellatrix''': You don't know? Why weren't you doing your job? Who got into my vault?! Who stole it? Who '''''stole it?!''''' Well? :'''Griphook''': When I was last in your vault, the sword was there. :'''Bellatrix''': Oh, well then, perhaps it just walked out on its own then. :'''Griphook''': There is no place safer than Gringotts. :'''Bellatrix''': ''[slices his cheek with her dagger]'' '''''LIAR!''''' Consider yourself lucky, goblin. ''[goes over to the tortured Hermione]'' The same won't be said for this one. :'''Ron''': Like hell. ''[runs up with Harry]'' Expelliarmus! <hr width="50%"> :''[Dobby unscrews a chandelier from the ceiling, causing it to crash to the floor and causing Bellatrix to scream and move out of the way and Hermione to run to Ron]'' :'''Bellatrix''': Stupid elf! You could have killed me! :'''Dobby''': Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure! :''[Narcissa shoots at Dobby, but he dodges, and snaps his fingers to take away her wand]'' :'''Bellatrix''': How dare you take a witch's wand?! How dare you defy your masters?! :'''Dobby''': Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf, and Dobby has come to save Harry Potter and his friends! <hr width="50%"> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Dobby''': ''[last and final words before his death]'' Such a beautiful place... to be with friends. Dobby is happy to be with his friend... Harry Potter. ''[finally dies in Harry's arms]'' :''[From the Extended Version]'' :'''Bill''': Fleur's seeing to Ollivander. Anyone else need tending-- :'''Luna''': We should close his eyes, don't you think? ''[Harry nods; closes Dobby's eyes shut]'' There. Now, he could be sleeping. :'''Harry''': ''[after a pause]'' I want to bury him. Properly, without magic. :''[Harry and his friends bury Dobby's body on the beach and watch in sorrow. Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Voldemort succeeds in getting the Elder Wand]'' == Taglines == * The End Begins * Nowhere Is Safe * Part 1 of the Epic Finale * The Hunt Begins * Trust No One == Cast == * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]] * [[Helena Bonham Carter]] - [[w:Bellatrix Lestrange|Bellatrix Lestrange]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]] - [[w:Magical_creatures_in_Harry_Potter#Dobby|Dobby]] (voice) * [[Warwick Davis]] - [[w:Griphook|Griphook]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]] * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - [[Lord Voldemort]] * [[w:Michael Gambon|Michael Gambon]] - [[Albus Dumbledore]] * [[w:Brendan Gleeson|Brendan Gleeson]] - [[w:Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody|Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody]] * [[Richard Griffiths]] - [[w:Vernon Dursley|Vernon Dursley]] * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] - [[w:Ollivander|Garrick Ollivander]] * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - [[w:Xenophilius Lovegood|Xenophilius Lovegood]] * [[w:Jason Isaacs|Jason Isaacs]] - [[w:Lucius Malfoy|Lucius Malfoy]] * [[w:Bill Nighy|Bill Nighy]] - [[w:Rufus Scrimgeour|Rufus Scrimgeour]] * [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[w:Fiona Shaw|Fiona Shaw]] - [[w:Petunia Dursley|Petunia Dursley]] * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] - [[w:Peter Pettigrew|Peter Pettigrew]] * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] - [[w:Dolores Umbridge|Dolores Umbridge]] * [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] - [[w:Remus Lupin|Remus Lupin]] * [[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - [[w:Molly Weasley|Molly Weasley]] * [[w:Mark Williams (actor)|Mark Williams]] - [[w:Arthur Weasley|Arthur Weasley]] * [[w:Domnhall Gleeson|Domnhall Gleeson]] - [[w:Bill Weasley|Bill Weasley]] * [[w:George Harris|George Harris]] - [[w:Kingsley Shacklebolt|Kingsley Shacklebolt]] * [[w:James and Oliver Phelps|James Phelps]] - [[w:Fred and George Weasley|Fred Weasley]] * [[w:James and Oliver Phelps|Oliver Phelps]] - [[w:Fred and George Weasley|George Weasley]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{Official website|http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/harrypotterandthedeathlyhallows}} * {{IMDb title|0926084|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} * {{Amg movie|393092|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|harry_potter_and_the_deathly_hallows_part_i|title=Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} * {{Mojo title|harrypotter7|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:2010 British films]] [[Category:2010 American films]] [[Category:2010s English-language films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Harry Potter]] [[Category:Films about wizards]] [[Category:Films set in castles]] [[Category:Films about leave]] qh64n9lignj1cpxps3ihwggp7v8unun 3944419 3944412 2026-05-23T09:10:06Z ~2026-17291-92 3303475 /* Dialogue */ 3944419 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1]]''''' is a British [[w:2010 in film|2010 film]] in which Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger while racing against time and evil to destroy the Horcruxes, uncovers the existence of the three most powerful objects in the wizarding world: the Deathly Hallows. The film is the first part of the final film in the [[Harry Potter (films)|Harry Potter film series]]. :''Directed by [[w:David Yates|David Yates]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on [[w:Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows|the novel]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' {{center|'''The End Begins.'''[[#Taglines|Taglines]]}} == Harry Potter == * Nobody else is going to die. Not for me. * I have to start finding these Horcruxes. ''[refers to Tom Riddle]'' They're our only chance to beat him, and the longer we stay here, the stronger he gets. * I want to go to Godric's Hollow. It's where I was born. It's where my parents died. * ''[as he and Hermione arrive at Godric's Hollow, refusing Hermione's advice to use Polyjuice Potion]'' This is where I was born. I'm not returning as someone else. * ''[coming across the old Potter family cottage, where Voldemort killed his parents; to Hermione]'' This is where they died, Hermione. This is where he murdered them. == Ron Weasley == * Seems strange, mate. Dumbledore sends you off to find all these Horcruxes, but doesn't tell you how to destroy them. Doesn't that bother you? * ''[Referring to Hermione]'' We won't last two days without her. ''[pause]'' Don't tell her I said that. * No, you don't know how it feels! Your parents are ''dead''! You have ''no'' family! * Fine. I get it. I saw you two the other night. * ''Please. Come back''. * ''[to Mary Cattermole while disguised as her husband]'' Mary, go home. Get the kids. We have to get out of the country, understand? Mary, do as I say! == Hermione Granger == * ''[realizing something]'' We didn't celebrate your birthday, Harry! Ginny and I, we prepared a cake. We were going to bring it out at the end of the wedding. * Actually, I'm highly logical which allows me to look past extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook. * ''[whispering to Harry when she sees a mysterious figure watching them]'' Harry, there's someone watching us. By the church. ''['''Harry:''' I think I know who that is.]'' * ''[Reading the Tale of the Three Brothers]'' "There were once three brothers who were traveling along a lonely winding road, at twilight. In time, the brothers reached a river too treacherous to pass, but being learned in the magical arts, the three brothers simply waved their wands and made a bridge. Before they could cross, however, they found their path blocked by a hooded figure. It was Death, and he felt cheated. Cheated because travelers would normally drown in the river, but Death was cunning. He pretended to congratulate the three brothers on their magic and said that each had earned a prize for having been clever enough to evade him. The oldest asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence, so Death fashioned him one from an elder tree that stood nearby. The second brother decided he wanted to humiliate Death even further and asked for the power to recall loved ones from the grave, so Death plucked a stone from the river and offered it to him. Finally, Death turned to the third brother. A humble man, he asked for something that would allow him to go forth from that place without being followed by Death. And so it was that Death reluctantly handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility. The first brother traveled to a distant village. While with the Elder Wand in hand, he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarreled. Drunk with the power that the Elder Wand had given him, he bragged of his invincibility. But that night, another wizard stole the wand and slit the brother's throat for good measure. And so Death took the first brother for his own. The second brother journeyed to his home, where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand. To his delight, the girl he had once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him. Yet, soon she turned sad and cold for she did not belong in the mortal world. Driven mad with hopeless longing, the second brother killed himself so as to join her. And so Death took the second brother. As for the third brother, Death searched for many years but was never able to find him. Only when he attained a great age did the youngest brother shed the Cloak of Invisibility and give it to his son. He then greeted Death as an old friend and went with him gladly, departing this life as equals." == Lord Voldemort == * Wormtail! Have I not spoken to you about keeping our guest quiet?! * As inspiring as I find your bloodlust, Bellatrix, I must be the one to kill Harry Potter. * To those of you who do not know. We are joined tonight by Ms. Charity Burbage, who until recently, taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Her specialty was Muggle Studies. It is Ms. Burbage's belief that Muggles are not so different from us. She would, given her way, have us mate with them. ''[Bellatrix gags in disgust]'' To her, the mixture of magical and Muggle blood is not an abomination, but something to be encouraged. == Dobby the House Elf == * Harry Potter. So long it's been. * Dobby has come to rescue Harry Potter, of course. Dobby will always be there for Harry Potter. * Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf. And Dobby has come to save Harry Potter and his friends! * ''[last words]'' Such a beautiful place, to be with friends. Dobby is happy to be with his friend, Harry Potter. == Others == * '''Rufus Scrimgeour''': ''[First lines]'' These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. But I say this to our citizenry: We, ever your servants, will continue to defend your liberty and repel the forces that seek to take it from you! Your Ministry remains...strong. * '''Bill Weasley''': Mad-Eye's dead. Mundungus took one look at Voldemort and disapparated. * '''Ollivander''': ''[while being tortured by Voldemort]'' I believed a different wand would work, I swear! * '''Neville Longbottom''': ''[Confronting Death Eaters on the train]'' Hey, losers, [[w:Harry Potter (character)|he]] isn't here. * '''Xenophilius Lovegood''': ''[draws a line]'' The Elder Wand, the most powerful wand ever made. ''[draws a circle]'' The Resurrection Stone. ''[draws a triangle]'' The Cloak of Invisibility. Together, they make the Deathly Hallows. Together, they make one master of death. * '''Lucius Malfoy''': ''[To Scabior]'' You dare to talk to me like that '''IN MY OWN HOUSE?!''' * '''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[Ordering Narcissa to put both Harry and Ron in the cellar]'' Cissy, put the boys in the cellar! ''[To Hermione]'' I want to have a little conversation with this one, girl-to-girl! == Dialogue == :'''Rufus Scrimgeour''': ''[First lines]'' These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. But I say this to our citizenry: We, ever your servants, will continue to defend your liberty and repel the forces that seek to take it from you! Your Ministry remains...strong. :''[Snape arrives at Malfoy Manor where Voldemort and the Death Eaters are holding a meeting]'' :'''Voldemort''': ''[pleased]'' Severus. I was beginning to worry you had lost your way. Come, we've saved you a seat. :''[From the Extended Version]'' :'''Voldemort''': You know our hosts, of course, Severus. Narcissa in particular has been most hospitable. Lucius, on the other hand, is, I fear, burdened by my presence. Are you, Lucius? :'''Lucius''': My lord? :'''Voldemort''': Are you burdened? :'''Narcissa''': My lord is always welcome here. :'''Voldemort''': And this information comes-- :'''Snape''': ...from the source we discussed. :'''Voldemort''': ''[Snape takes a seat at the table]'' You bring news, I trust? :'''Snape''': It will happen Saturday next, at nightfall. :'''Yaxley''': I heard differently, my Lord. Dawlish, the Auror, has let slip that the Potter boy will not be moved until the 30th of this month, the day before he turns 17. :'''Snape''': This is a false trail. The Auror office no longer plays any part in the protection of Harry Potter. Those closest to him believe we have infiltrated the Ministry. :'''Squat Death Eater''': Well! ''[wheezes a laugh]'' They've got that right, then, haven't they? :''[Several other Death Eaters laugh]'' :'''Voldemort''': What say you, Pius? :'''Pius Thicknesse''': ''[under the Imperius Curse]'': One hears many things, my Lord. Whether the truth is among them is not clear. :'''Voldemort''': Heh. Spoken like a true politician. You will, I think, prove most useful, Pius. Where will he be taken, the boy? :'''Snape''': To a safe house. Most likely the home of someone in the Order. I'm told it's been given every manner of protection possible. Once there, it will be impractical to attack him. :'''Bellatrix''': ''[clearing her throat and Voldemort turns to her]'' My Lord. I'd like to volunteer myself for this task. I want to kill the boy. :''[Screaming is heard from the cellar]'' :'''Voldemort''': Wormtail! ''[the people at the table turn to Wormtail]'' Have I not spoken to you about keeping our guest quiet? :'''Wormtail''': Yes, my Lord. Right away, my Lord. :'''Voldemort''': As inspiring as I find your blood-lust, Bellatrix, I must be the one to kill Harry Potter. ''[Bellatrix looks down and as he stands]'' But I face an unfortunate complication. That my wand and Potter's share the same core. ''[as he walks]'' They are, in some ways, twins. We can wound, but not fatally harm one another. ''[he puts the wand down, as he walks]'' If I am to kill him, I must do it with another's wand. Come, surely one of you would like the honor? Mm? ''[he holds on chairs]'' What about you, Lucius? :'''Lucius''': ''[looking at Voldemort]'' My Lord? :'''Voldemort''': ''[mockingly]'' "My Lord?" I require your wand. ''[He stretches out his hand and Lucius reluctantly hands his wand over to him]'' Do I detect elm? :'''Lucius''': Yes, my Lord. :'''Voldemort''': ''[after he breaks the handle off of the wand]'': And the core? :'''Lucius''': Dragon. ''[he clears his throat]'' Dragon heartstring, my Lord. :''[From the Extended Version]'' :'''Voldemort''': My wand? You can’t possibly think I would give you my wand. :'''Lucius''': No, my lord. :'''Voldemort''': Dragon heartstring. Mm. ''[He throws something at the table. Charity Burbage floats over the table.]'' To those of you who do not know, we are joined tonight by Miss Charity Burbage ''[as Nagini starts to move toward the table]'' who, until recently, taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Her specialty was Muggle Studies. ''[Everyone laughs]'' It is Miss Burbage's belief that Muggles are not so different from us. She would, given her way, have us mate with them. ''[Bellatrix gags in disgust and everyone laughs.]'' To her, the mixture of magical and Muggle blood is not an abomination ''[he sits down]'' but something to be encouraged. :'''Charity''': Severus. Severus, please. We're friends. :'''Voldemort''': ''[as he casts the spell and Charity falls on the table]'' Avada Kedavra! ''[Everyone stares at Charity. as he lets Nagini on the table.]'' Nagini. Dinner. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[appearing with Fleur Delacour]'' Hello, Harry. Bill Weasley. :'''Harry''': ''[shakes hands with him]'' Oh. Pleasure to meet you. ''[notices and recognizes Fleur, and hugs her]'' :'''Fred''': He was never always this handsome. :'''George''': Dead ugly. :'''Bill''': True enough. <hr width="50%"> :'''Moody''': Potter, you're underage, which means you still have the Trace on you. :'''Harry''': What's the Trace? :'''Moody''': If you sneeze, the Ministry will know who wipes your nose. Point is, we'll have to use those means of transport the Trace can't detect: Brooms, Thestrals, and the like; we'll go in pairs. That way if anyone's out there waiting for us, and I reckon there '''''will be'''''... they won't know which Harry Potter is the real one. :'''Harry''': The '''''real one'''''? :'''Moody''': ''[takes out Polyjuice Potion]'' I reckon that you're familiar with this particular brew. :'''Harry''': ''[recognizes it; sarcastically]'' No, absolutely not. :'''Hermione''': Told you he'd take it well. :'''Harry''': No, if you think I'm gonna let everyone risk their lives for me... :'''Ron''': Never done that before, have we? :'''Harry''': No. No. This is different. I mean, taking that, becoming me. No. <hr width="50%"> :'''Moody''': All right, Granger. As discussed. :'''Harry''': ''[as Hermione plucks a piece of his hair off his head]'' Blimey, Hermione. :'''Moody''': Straight in here if you please. ''[Hermione dips the hair into the flask]'' For those of you who haven't taken Polyjuice Potion before, fair warning: it tastes like goblin piss. :'''Fred''': Have lots of experience with that, do you, Mad-Eye? ''[Moody glares at him]'' ...Just trying to diffuse the tension. :''[Fred, George, Mundungus, Fleur, Hermione, and Ron take a sip of the Polyjuice Potion and transform into the six Potters]'' :'''Fred and George''': Wow, we're identical! :'''Moody''': Not yet, you're not. :''[All seven, including the real Harry, put on the same clothes]'' :'''George''': Haven't got anything a bit more sporting, have you? :'''Fred''': Yeah, I don't really fancy this color. :'''Moody''': Well, fancy this, you're not you. So shut it and strip. :'''Mundungus''': All right, all right. :'''Moody''': ''[to Harry]'' You'll need to change too, Potter. :'''Fleur''': ''[while undressing]'' Bill, look away. I'm hideous. :'''Ron''': I knew she was lying about that tattoo. :'''Hermione''': ''[putting on Harry's glasses]'' Harry, your eyesight really '''''is''''' awful. :'''Moody''': Right, then. We'll be pairing off. Each Potter will have a protector. Mundungus, stick tight to me. I wanna keep an eye on ya. As for Harry... :'''Everyone''': Yes? :'''Moody''': The '''''real''''' Harry. Where the devil are you, anyway? :'''Harry''': ''[steps in]'' Here. :'''Moody''': You'll ride with Hagrid. :'''Hagrid''': ''[to Harry]'' I brought you here 16 years ago when you were no bigger than a Bowtruckle. Seems only right that I should be the one to take you away now. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Harry, Hagrid, Lupin, and an injured George arrive at the Burrow, Lupin holds Harry up against the wall, pointing his wand at him]'' :'''Hagrid''': Lupin! :'''Ginny''': What are you doing?! :'''Lupin''': What creature sat in the corner the first time Harry Potter visited my office in Hogwarts? :'''Harry''': ARE YOU MAD?! :'''Lupin''': '''''WHAT CREATURE?!''''' :'''Harry''': A-A Grindylow! :'''Lupin''': ''[releases Harry; remorsefully]'' We've been betrayed. Voldemort knew you were being moved tonight. I had to make sure you're not an impostor. ''[Harry nods in agreement; bolts outside the Burrow after hearing Shacklebolt and Hermione arrive]'' Wait! ''[points his wand at Shacklebolt]'' :'''Shacklebolt''': ''[pointing his wand at Lupin]'' The last words that Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us? :'''Lupin''': "Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him." :'''Shacklebolt''': ''[to Harry]'' What gave you away? :'''Harry''': Hedwig, I think. She was tryna protect me. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fred''': ''[walking into the Burrow and sees his injured twin brother laying on the couch]'' How you feeling, Georgie? :'''George''': ''[quietly]'' Saint-like. :'''Fred''': ''[confused pause]'' Come again? :'''George''': Saint-like. I'm holy... ''[Points to spot where part of his ear is missing]'' I’m holy, Fred. Get it? :'''Fred''': ''[laughs quietly]'' The whole wide world of ear-related humor, and you go for, "I'm holy"? You're pathetic. :'''George''': Reckon I'm still better looking than you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ginny''': ''[while Harry zips her dress up]'' Seems silly, doesn't it? A wedding. Given everything that's going on. :'''Harry''': Maybe that's the best reason to have it. Because of everything that's going on. :''[She turns to him and they kiss. George sneaks into the kitchen silently; he stirs a cup of tea and sticks the spoon in the hole where the missing part of his ear was. Ginny spots him and stops kissing Harry, and the two stare at George]'' :'''George''': ''[raising a cup of tea]'' Morning. <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry orders Ron to get the lights out with the Deluminator and Hermione to close the window blinds in the café after knocking out two Death Eaters in a fight]'' :'''Harry''': This one's name is Rowle. He was on the Astronomy Tower the night Snape killed Dumbledore. :'''Ron''': This is Dolohov. I recognize him from the wanted posters. So, what we gonna do with you, eh? Kill us if it was turned round, wouldn't you? :'''Harry''': If we kill them, they'll know we were here. :'''Hermione''': Ron. :'''Ron''': Suppose he did Mad-Eye. How would you feel then? :'''Harry''': It's better we wipe their memories. <hr width="50%"> :'''Harry''': ''[after dragging Kreacher out of the cupboard]'' You've been spying on us, have you?! :'''Kreacher''': Kreacher has been watching. :'''Hermione''': Maybe he knows where the real locket is. :'''Harry''': ''[takes the fake locket off the table and holds up]'' Have you ever seen this before? Kreacher? :'''Kreacher''': It's Master Regulus' locket. :'''Harry''': But there were '''''two''''', weren't there? Where's the other one? :'''Kreacher''': Kreacher doesn't '''''know''''' where the other locket is. :'''Hermione''': Yes, but did you ever see it? Was it in this house? <hr width="50%"> :'''Hermione''': ''[to Ron and Harry before taking the Polyjuice potion that will transform them into Albert Runcorn, Reginald Cattermole and Mafalda Hopkirk, respectively]'' Right. Remember what we said, don't speak to anyone unless absolutely necessary. Just, try and act normal. Do what everybody else is doing. If we do that then with a bit of luck, we'll get inside. And then... :'''Harry''': It gets really tricky. :'''Hermione''': Correct. :'''Harry''': ''[sighs]'' This is completely mental. :'''Hermione''': Completely. :'''Ron''': The world's mental. ''[later, as Cattermole]'' Come on. We've got a Horcrux to find. <hr width="50%"> :'''Yaxley''': ''[preventing the elevator from closing; menacingly]'' Cattermole. It's still raining inside my office. That's two days now. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Have you tried an umbrella? :'''Yaxley''': You '''''do''''' realize where going, don't you Cattermole? Downstairs to interrogate your wife. You have 1 hour. ''[leaves]'' :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Oh God, what am I gonna do? My wife's all alone downstairs! :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' Ron, you don't '''''have''''' a wife. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Oh yeah, right. But how do I stop it raining? :'''Hermione''': ''[as Mafalda]'' Try "Finite Incantatem." This is you, Ron. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole; steps out of the elevator]'' "Finite Incantatem." Okay. And if that doesn't work? :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' I'd say if we don't locate Umbridge within the hour, we go find Ron and come back another day. Deal? :'''Hermione''': ''[as Mafalda]'' Yes. :''[the door opens; Umbridge enters]'' :'''Umbridge''': ''[to Hermione, as Mafalda, stepping into the elevator]'' Ah, Mafalda. Travers sent you, did he? Good. We'll go straight down. ''[to Harry, as Runcorn]'' Albert, aren't you getting out? :''[He reluctantly walks out of the elevator. Hermione, as Mafalda has a scared look on her face as she descends in the elevator with Umbridge]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Ron walks into the elevator and sees Harry as Runcorn not recognizing that it's him]'' :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Morning. :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' Ron, it's me. :'''Ron''': ''[as Cattermole]'' Harry! Blimey, forgot what you looked like. Where's Hermione? :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn]'' She's gone down to the courtrooms, with Umbridge. <hr width="50%"> :''[Umbridge is presiding over Mary Cattermole's hearing (wearing the locket/horcrux), while Harry (disguised as Albert Runcorn), witnesses, Ron (disguised as Mary's husband, Reg), takes his place beside her, and Hermione (disguised as Mafalda Hopkirk) records the minutes]'' :'''Umbridge''': Mary Elizabeth Cattermole? :'''Mary''': Yes? :'''Umbridge''': A wand was taken from you upon your arrival at the Ministry today, Mrs. Cattermole. ''[holds up said wand]'' Is '''''this''''' that wand? ''[Mary nods]'' Would you please tell the court from which witch or wizard you took this wand? :'''Mary''': I didn't take it. I got it in Diagon Alley, at Ollivander's, when I was 11. It chose me. :'''Umbridge''': You're lying. Wands only choose witches, and you are not a witch. :'''Mary''': But I am. ''[To Ron, as Reg]'' Tell them, Reg. Tell them what I am. ''[Ron is silent]'' Reg, tell them what I am. :''[Harry sees the locket; his anger becomes too much and withdraws his wand]'' :'''Umbridge''': ''[notices the wand deploying; confused]'' What on earth are you doing, Albert? :'''Harry''': ''[as Runcorn, though his face is starting to mutate back to normal, as the Polyjuice Potion is starting to wear off]'' You're lying, Dolores... ''[Umbridge looks shocked, and Hermione tenses up]'' And onüe mustn't tell lies. ''Stupefy! [stuns Umbridge, knocking her out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trio disapparate into the forest after escaping Corban Yaxley from the Ministry, and Ron gets badly injured with his left arm being splinched]'' :'''Harry''': Hermione, his arm. :'''Hermione''': I know, just do it! It's okay. ''[Harry gives her the Essence of Dittany bottle]'' Okay, it's gonna sting a little bit. ''[starts applying some drops on Ron's arm to heal]'' :'''Harry''': What happened? I thought we meant to go back to Grimmuald Place? :'''Hermione''': We were. Shh. It's all right. One more, one more. We were there. We were there, but Yaxley had hold of me, and… I knew once he'd seen where we were, we couldn't stay, so I brought us here, ''[voice breaking; sobbing]'' but Ron got splinched. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Extended Scene]'' :'''Hermione''': So where do we go next? :'''Harry''': Well, Dumbledore had a theory...that the Horcruxes wouldn't be made out of random objects. And they wouldn't be randomly hidden, either. We know of three so far. Uh, the ring, which according to Dumbledore, belonged to Tom's grandfather. The diary, which obviously belonged to Tom himself. And then this. ''[said referring to the locket]'' Which again, according to Dumbledore, belonged to Tom's mother. :'''Hermione''': It scares me a bit, that. Thinking it's a piece of- :'''Ron''': No. Don't. Don't say it. It's taboo. You-Know-Who's name. That's how they track people now. :'''Harry''': How do you know that? :'''Ron''': I overheard some bloke at the Ministry talking. :'''Hermione''': Tea? :'''Ron''': ''[hears the ticking sound from the locket]'' Is that it? :'''Harry''': ''[also hears the sound and gives Ron the locket]'' Yeah. I know. I felt that too. It's ticking or something. Like it's got a heart. :'''Ron''': Like it's alive. :'''Hermione''': I hate it. It's like he's here with us. :'''Harry''': And that's why we're gonna kill it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Harry's vision, Voldemort finds Gregorovitch at his wand shop and interrogates him]'' :'''Voldemort''': Tell me, Gregorovitch. :'''Gregorovitch''': It was stolen from me. :'''Voldemort''': Who was he? The thief? :''[In Gregorovitch's memory, he finds a man escaping the shop by jumping out of the window with Dumbledore's wand]'' :'''Gregorovitch''': It was a boy. It was he who took it. I never saw it again. I swear on my life. :'''Voldemort''': I believe you. ''Avada Kedavra! [kills Gregorovitch]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are in their tent, and Hermione is cutting Harry's hair neatly]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[remembers]'' Oh, my God! :'''Harry''': ''[flatly]'' What? :'''Hermione''': I'll tell you in a minute. ''[goes to find the book]'' :'''Harry''': ''[following her]'' Maybe you could tell me now. :'''Hermione''': Alright. The Sword of Gryffindor. It's Goblin-made. ''[showing Harry the picture of the Sword of Gryffindor with heavy irony]'' :'''Harry''': Brilliant! :'''Hermione''': No, you don't understand. Dirt and rust have no effect on the blade. It only takes in that which makes it stronger. :'''Harry''': Okay. :'''Hermione''': Harry, you've already destroyed one Horcrux, right? :'''Harry''': Tom Riddle's diary in the Chamber of Secrets. With a Basilisk fang. If you tell me you've got one of those in that bloody beaded bag of yours... :'''Hermione''': Don't you see? In the Chamber of Secrets, you stabbed the Basilisk with the sword of Gryffindor. Its blade is impregnated with Basilisk venom. It only takes in that which makes it stronger. :'''Harry''': Exactly, which is why- :'''Hermione''': It can destroy Horcruxes. That's why Dumbledore left it to you in his will. :'''Harry''': You are brilliant, Hermione. Truly. :'''Hermione''': Actually, I'm highly logical, which allows me to look past extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook. :'''Harry''': Yeah, there's only one problem, of course. :'''Ron''': ''[turns the lamp out with the Deluminator]'' The sword was stolen. ''[walks up, turns the lamp back on with his Deluminator, with a stony look on his face; The locket/horcrux around his neck is affecting him greatly]'' Yeah. I'm still here. But you two carry on. Don't let me spoil your fun. :'''Harry''': What's wrong? :'''Ron''': Well, nothing's wrong. Not according to you, anyway. :'''Harry''': Look, if you've got something to say, don't be shy. Spit it out. :'''Ron''': All right, I'll spit it out. But don't expect me to be grateful just because now there's another damn thing we've gotta find. :'''Harry''': I thought you knew what you signed up for! :'''Ron''': Yeah. I thought I did, too. :'''Harry''': Well then, I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand. What part of this isn't living up to your expectations? Did you think we were gonna be staying in a five-star hotel? Finding a Horcrux every other day? You thought you'd be back with your mum by Christmas? :'''Ron''': I just thought after all this time we would have actually achieved something! I thought you knew what you were doing! I thought Dumbledore would've told you something worthwhile! I thought you had a plan! :'''Harry''': I told you everything Dumbledore told me! And in case you haven't noticed, we have found a Horcrux already. :'''Ron''': ''[bitterly]'' Yeah, and we're about as close to getting rid of it as we are to finding the rest of them, aren't we? :'''Hermione''': ''[trying to intervene]'' Ron, please. ''[tries to take the locket off of Ron, but he angrily shoves her away]'' Please take the Horcrux off! You won't be saying any of this if you hadn't been wearing it all day! :'''Ron''': Do you know why I listen to that radio every night, do you? To make sure I don't hear Ginny's name. Or Fred, or George, or Mum… :'''Harry''': ''[Enraged]'' What, you think I'm not listening too?! You think I don't know how this feels?! :'''Ron''': No, you ''don't'' know how it feels! Your parents are ''dead!'' You ''have'' no family! :''[Enraged at what Ron just said, Harry tackles him]'' :'''Hermione''': Stop! Stop! ''[Ron shoves Harry away from him in far more rage than before]'' :'''Harry''': Fine then, go! Go then! :''[Ron wrenches the locket off, then picks up his bag.]'' :'''Hermione''': Ron... :'''Ron''': ''[turns to Hermione]'' And you? Are you coming or are you staying? ''[Hermione looks torn; she glances from Harry to Ron in shock]'' Fine. I get it. I saw you two the other night. :'''Hermione''': ''[with tears in her eyes]'' Ron, that's... that's nothing! ''[Ron storms out of the tent after looking at Harry one last time, prompting her to follow Ron, while Harry remains behind]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Hermione''': ''[upon arriving at Godric's Hollow]'' We should have taken Polyjuice potion. :'''Harry''': No...this is where I was born. I'm not returning as someone else. <hr width="50%"> :'''Hermione''': You wanted to know who the boy in the photograph was. I know. Gellert Grindelwald. ''[gives Harry the book of '''"The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore"''']'' :'''Harry''': ''[flips the page of a photo of Grindelwald]'' He's the thief I saw in Gregorovitch's wand shop. Speaking of which, where is my wand? Where's my wand, Hermione? :'''Hermione''': ''[lifts up the blanket, revealing Harry's wand, now broken]'' As we were leaving Godric's Hollow, I cast a curse and it rebounded. I'm sorry. I tried to mend it but wands are different. <hr width="50%"> :''[Ron has dragged Harry out of the pond.]'' :'''Harry''': ''[Believing Ron to be Hermione]'' Hermione? :'''Ron''': Are you mental? :'''Harry''': ''[realizes]'' It was you? :'''Ron''': Well, yeah. A bit obvious, I think. :'''Harry''': ''[Puts his pants back on]'' And you cast the doe as well, did you? :'''Ron''': No, I thought that was you. :'''Harry''': No, my Patronus is a stag. :'''Ron''': Right, yeah. ''[makes two antlers on his head with his fingers]'' Antlers. :''[Harry nods in acknowledgement]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Hermione is sleeping inside the tent.]'' :'''Harry''': ''[from outside the tent]'' Hermione? ''[Hermione wakes up]'' Hermione? :'''Hermione''': ''[comes out of the tent]'' Is everything all right? :'''Harry''': It's fine. Actually, you know, it's more than fine. ''[Points towards Ron, who approaches them]'' :'''Ron''': ''[smiling]'' Hey. :''[Enraged, Hermione storms towards Ron]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[takes Ron's backpack off him in rage and drops it on the ground]'' You- ''[hits Ron in the chest in rage]'' complete- ''[Picks up the leaves and uses them to hit Ron]'' '''''ARSE''''', Ronald Weasley! ''[picks up Ron's backpack and uses it to hit him in the leg]'' You show up here after '''''WEEKS!''''' And you say 'Hey'?! ''[turns around to Harry]'' Where's my wand, Harry? Where's my wand? :'''Harry''': I don't know. :'''Hermione''': ''[storms towards Harry in rage, causing Harry to back up against a tree]'' Harry Potter, you give me my wand! :'''Harry''': ''[insistent]'' I don't have it! :'''Ron''': ''[to Hermione]'' How come he's got your wand? :'''Hermione''': ''[turns to Ron]'' Never mind why's he got my wand. ''[notices the Sword of Gryffindor in Ron's hand]'' What is that? ''[Ron holds up the locket that he destroyed last night using the Sword of Gryffindor]'' You destroyed it. ''[glances at Harry, then turns back to Ron]'' And how is it that you just happen to have the Sword of Gryffindor? :'''Harry''': ''[to Hermione]'' It's a long story. :'''Hermione''': ''[glances at Harry, then turns back to Ron]'' Don't think this changes anything. ''[starts to storm back to the tent]'' :'''Ron''': ''[calls out to Hermione]'' Oh, of course not. I only just destroyed a bloody Horcrux. Why would that change anything? ''[Hermione turns around after hearing this]'' Look. I wanted to come back as soon as I left. I just didn't know how to find you. :'''Harry''': ''[to Ron]'' Yeah, how '''''did''''' you find us? :'''Ron''': ''[pulls out the Deluminator]'' With this. It doesn't just turn off lights. I don't know how it works, but Christmas morning, I was sleeping in this little pub, keepin' away from some Snatchers, and I heard it. :'''Harry''': "It"? :'''Ron''': A voice. ''Your'' voice, Hermione. Coming out of it. :'''Hermione''': ''[her arms are folded as she says this]'' And what exactly did I say, may I ask? :'''Ron''': My name. Just my name. Like a whisper. So I took it...clicked it...and this tiny ball of light appeared. And I knew. And sure enough, it floated towards me, the ball of light...went right through my chest, straight through me. ''[touches his heart]'' Right here. And I knew it was gonna take me where I needed to go, so I Disapparated...and came to this hillside. It was dark. I had no idea where I was. I just hoped that one of you would show yourself. And you did. :''[Harry nods, knowing that Ron is referring to him. Ron looks at Harry, then turns to look at Hermione, who processes his words]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry and Ron are sitting on a bed, staring at a small fire inside a jar]'' :'''Ron''': How long do you think she'll stay mad at me? :'''Harry''': Just keep talking about that little ball of light touching your heart, and she'll come 'round. :'''Ron''': It was true, every word. This is gonna sound crazy, but I think that's why Dumbledore left it to me, the Deluminator. I think he knew that somehow I'd need it to find my way back, and she'd lead me. ''[remembers something]'' Bloody hell, I just realized, you need a wand, don't you? :'''Harry''': Yeah. :'''Ron''': I've got one here. ''[pulls out a wand from his bag and hands it to Harry. Harry takes it]'' It's a blackhorn. Ten inches. Nothing special, but I reckon it'll do. Took it off a Snatcher a couple of weeks ago. Don't tell Hermione this, but they're a bit dim, Snatchers. This one was definitely part troll, the smell of him. :'''Harry''': ''[points the wand at the fire]'' Engorgio. ''[the fire bursts into flames]'' '''''REDUCIO!''''' ''[The fire goes back to normal]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[rrom outside the tent]'' What's going on in there? :'''Harry and Ron''': ''[in unison]'' Nothing. <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are walking up the hill, Ron taking the lead]'' :'''Harry''': You're not still mad at him, are you? :'''Hermione''': I'm ''always'' mad at him. <hr width="50%"> :'''Draco''': What's wrong with his face? :'''Bellatrix''': Yes, what is wrong with his face? :'''Scabior''': He came to us like that. Something he picked up in the forest, I reckon. :'''Bellatrix''': Or ran into a Stinging Jinx. ''[gestures to Hermione]'' Was it you, dearie? Give me her wand. We'll see what her last spell was. Ah! Got you! ''[laughs then gasps in shock when she sees a snatcher holding the sword of Gryffindor]'' What is that? Where'd you get that from? :'''Snatcher''': It was in her bag when we searched her. Reckon it's mine now. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bellatrix''': ''[holding Hermione down]'' That sword is meant to be in my vault at Gringotts. How did you get it? What else did you and your friends take '''''FROM MY VAULT?!''''' :'''Hermione''': ''[sobbing and weeping]'' I didn't take anything. Please. I didn't take anything! :'''Bellatrix''': I don't believe it. ''[starts carving the word, '''"Mudblood"''' into Hermione's arm as Hermione screams loudly in pain]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': ''[takes Dobby's hand before they disapparate]'' Whenever you're ready, Sir. :'''Dobby''': "Sir?" I like her very much. ''[takes Mr. Ollivander's hand]'' Meet me at the top of the stairs in 10 seconds. <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry and Ron crept upstairs as Bellatrix interrogates Griphook]'' :'''Bellatrix''': I'm only going to ask you once more, goblin. Think very, very carefully before you answer. :'''Griphook''': I don't know. :'''Bellatrix''': You don't know? Why weren't you doing your job? Who got into my vault?! Who stole it? Who '''''stole it?!''''' Well? :'''Griphook''': When I was last in your vault, the sword was there. :'''Bellatrix''': Oh, well then, perhaps it just walked out on its own then. :'''Griphook''': There is no place safer than Gringotts. :'''Bellatrix''': ''[slices his cheek with her dagger]'' '''''LIAR!''''' Consider yourself lucky, goblin. ''[goes over to the tortured Hermione]'' The same won't be said for this one. :'''Ron''': Like hell. ''[runs up with Harry]'' Expelliarmus! <hr width="50%"> :''[Dobby unscrews a chandelier from the ceiling, causing it to crash to the floor and causing Bellatrix to scream and move out of the way and Hermione to run to Ron]'' :'''Bellatrix''': Stupid elf! You could have killed me! :'''Dobby''': Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure! :''[Narcissa shoots at Dobby, but he dodges, and snaps his fingers to take away her wand]'' :'''Bellatrix''': How dare you take a witch's wand?! How dare you defy your masters?! :'''Dobby''': Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf, and Dobby has come to save Harry Potter and his friends! <hr width="50%"> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Dobby''': ''[last and final words before his death]'' Such a beautiful place... to be with friends. Dobby is happy to be with his friend... Harry Potter. ''[finally dies in Harry's arms]'' :''[From the Extended Version]'' :'''Bill''': Fleur's seeing to Ollivander. Anyone else need tending-- :'''Luna''': We should close his eyes, don't you think? ''[Harry nods; closes Dobby's eyes shut]'' There. Now, he could be sleeping. :'''Harry''': ''[after a pause]'' I want to bury him. Properly, without magic. :''[Harry and his friends bury Dobby's body on the beach and watch in sorrow. Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Voldemort succeeds in getting the Elder Wand]'' == Taglines == * The End Begins * Nowhere Is Safe * Part 1 of the Epic Finale * The Hunt Begins * Trust No One == Cast == * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]] * [[Helena Bonham Carter]] - [[w:Bellatrix Lestrange|Bellatrix Lestrange]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]] - [[w:Magical_creatures_in_Harry_Potter#Dobby|Dobby]] (voice) * [[Warwick Davis]] - [[w:Griphook|Griphook]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]] * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - [[Lord Voldemort]] * [[w:Michael Gambon|Michael Gambon]] - [[Albus Dumbledore]] * [[w:Brendan Gleeson|Brendan Gleeson]] - [[w:Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody|Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody]] * [[Richard Griffiths]] - [[w:Vernon Dursley|Vernon Dursley]] * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] - [[w:Ollivander|Garrick Ollivander]] * [[w:Rhys Ifans|Rhys Ifans]] - [[w:Xenophilius Lovegood|Xenophilius Lovegood]] * [[w:Jason Isaacs|Jason Isaacs]] - [[w:Lucius Malfoy|Lucius Malfoy]] * [[w:Bill Nighy|Bill Nighy]] - [[w:Rufus Scrimgeour|Rufus Scrimgeour]] * [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[w:Fiona Shaw|Fiona Shaw]] - [[w:Petunia Dursley|Petunia Dursley]] * [[w:Timothy Spall|Timothy Spall]] - [[w:Peter Pettigrew|Peter Pettigrew]] * [[w:Imelda Staunton|Imelda Staunton]] - [[w:Dolores Umbridge|Dolores Umbridge]] * [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] - [[w:Remus Lupin|Remus Lupin]] * [[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - [[w:Molly Weasley|Molly Weasley]] * [[w:Mark Williams (actor)|Mark Williams]] - [[w:Arthur Weasley|Arthur Weasley]] * [[w:Domnhall Gleeson|Domnhall Gleeson]] - [[w:Bill Weasley|Bill Weasley]] * [[w:George Harris|George Harris]] - [[w:Kingsley Shacklebolt|Kingsley Shacklebolt]] * [[w:James and Oliver Phelps|James Phelps]] - [[w:Fred and George Weasley|Fred Weasley]] * [[w:James and Oliver Phelps|Oliver Phelps]] - [[w:Fred and George Weasley|George Weasley]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{Official website|http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/harrypotterandthedeathlyhallows}} * {{IMDb title|0926084|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} * {{Amg movie|393092|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|harry_potter_and_the_deathly_hallows_part_i|title=Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} * {{Mojo title|harrypotter7|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1}} {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:2010 British films]] [[Category:2010 American films]] [[Category:2010s English-language films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Harry Potter]] [[Category:Films about wizards]] [[Category:Films set in castles]] [[Category:Films about leave]] plhg03wilx8av0dvevuxhygkphgjork 0 125683 3944233 3944139 2026-05-22T17:25:21Z ~2026-17291-92 3303475 3944233 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} This is a list of quotes from the popular, yet cancelled animated television series ''[[w:Generator Rex|Generator Rex]]''. A video game and several chapter books were produced. The series supposedly "[[w: cliffhanger|concluded]]" with its third season, despite leaving many questions unanswered and crucial elements unresolved ''before'' the two-part Season 3 finale, ''Endgame''. ==Season One (2010-2011)== ===The Day That Everything Changed=== :'''Bobo''': Wheels or wings? :'''Rex''': Wheels, I wanna tear something up. <hr width80%> :'''Agent Six''': He just needs more training control of those emotions. :'''Dr. Holiday''': He's a teenager that's like asking you to get a different color suit! ===String Theory=== :'''Biowulf:''' Master, we had a situation at the safe house. Meecham is cured. It was Rex. :(''The camera zooms in on Van Kleiss whose expressive vindictive indeed'') ===Beyond the Sea=== :''Note'': Rex meets his [[w:love interest|love interest]] and sweetheart, Circe. :──────────────────── :'''Rex''': Don't know what you're 24/7 is, but mine is 10% OH YEAH! And 90% uhh. :──────────────────── :'''Rex:''' Outta the way! :'''Circe:''' Uh! :(''Rex and Circe both crash to the ground'') :'''Rex:''' Are you okay? Did you see that awesome save? : '''Circe:''' Sorry, I was busy trying not to get tackled by some nitwit. : '''Rex:''' Yeah? How that work out for you? And who still uses the word "nitwit"? I'm Rex. : '''Circe:''' I'm leaving. : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait! : '''Noah:''' Rex, you're up. : ──────────────────── : '''Six:''' What about the new tracker? : '''Doctor Holdiay:''' His nanites unbuilt it, just like all the other ones we tried sneaking in him. We're still receiving his biometric readings though. It's strange, they're all over the place. It's almost like his emotions are...shorting out. : '''Six:''' He took an unusual interest in Calan's briefing about equatorial upticks. : '''Doctor Holiday:''' And that's important because? : '''Six:''' Rex has been acting stir-crazy and I heard the monkey mention something about spring break. ''[to workers]'' Scan all resort areas for his bio signature. : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' Oh, you have got it all messed up. Falling for some girl? We're supposed to get them to dig us. Not the other way around. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. There was something different about her. She's...right there. Later. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait up! : '''Circe:''' Why are you following me?! : '''Rex:''' Uh, I don't know exactly. : '''Circe:''' Do you think I'm playing?! : '''Rex:''' Well, if you are I'm down for another game. I thought maybe we could hang out. It is spring break, you know. Fun. : '''Circe:''' I'm with my family. We're not really for fun. : '''Rex:''' What! Who comes to the beach and doesn't have fun? : (''Circe raises her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Don't you think that's a little messed up? : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' So? : '''Circe:''' I'm Circe. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hold on! : '''Circe:''' Woooo! : '''Rex:''' Definitely better than my suggestion. : '''Circe:''' Hunting for seashells is fun. : (''both laugh'') : '''Beach Guy:''' You two skid-marts up for a race to the beach? : '''Circe:''' Well, if you drive as badly as for play volleyball, we could probably walk there and win. You're on, meathead. : (''guy drives off in anger)'' : '''Rex:''' So you were watching me play. : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' sure you wanna do this? : '''Circe:''' Thrill me. : '''Beach Guy:''' Hahahaha! Wooo! : '''Circe:''' C'mom Rex, faster! : ──────────────────── : '''Biowulf:''' Explain. : '''Circe:''' Relax. I was covering. Every day when I'm at the end of that jet i when I could hanging out with the other kids, it's starting to look suspicious. : '''Biowulf:''' You're not here for vacation, girl! You're here to prove yourself to Van Kleiss. And I'm starting to doubt you can. : '''Circe:''' I told you. It's a done deal. : (''The shadow of her tubular sonic mouth is seen'') : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' So what's on today's spring break agenda? Jet skiing, hiking? : '''Bobo:''' Eating our weight in crab legs? : '''Rex:''' I figured we'd just chill. Let's just see who...uhh I mean what shows up. : ''(siren-like call)'' : '''Rex:''' Did you hear that? : '''Noah:''' Sorry, enchiladas. : '''Rex:''' No, that! You seriously didn't hear that? : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You really shouldn't be here right now. : '''Rex:''' I heard something coming from over here. : '''Circe:''' I'm serious, Rex. It's not safe. : '''Rex:''' What you think some sort of roguewave is gonna knock off and- Oh. : '''Circe:''' There you are. Get out of here, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Circe!! What are you doing!? : '''Circe:''' Me!? What are you doing!? : '''Rex:''' Right now, my job. Okay! Don't freak out. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're an E.V.O.? : '''Rex:''' You catch on fast. : '''Circe:''' Takes one to know one. : (''Shows Rex her fleshly sonic mouth'') : '''Rex:''' No way. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Cover your ears! : '''Rex:''' What!? : '''Circe:''' Your ears! Cover them! : (''Projects her tubular, fleshy mouth and emits strong hypersonic bursts'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Did I hurt you? : '''Rex:''' Yeah. It was awesome. You were the one making that sound. : '''Circe:''' I'm glad you're OK, but I'm in serious trouble. I have to go deal with it. : '''Rex:''' Why are in trouble? Is it because of that E.V.O.? Let me help you. : '''Circe''': No. I have to do this by myself. :(''Rex takes a hold of her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Meet me later. : '''Circe:''' Rex... (''Looks away sadly'') : '''Rex:''' I've never met anyone like you...like me. It'd be nice to talk to an E.V.O. who's not, you know, trying to kill me. Nine O'clock? : '''Circe:''' I'll try. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I just wanted to have some fun, see if I could jog my memory, feel...normal. :'''Six:''' Your "normal" is different, Rex. :(''Rex hears Circe's irresistibly hypnotic melody'') :'''Rex:''' It's her, Six. Just let me deal with this, OK? Alone. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're only here because you heard my [[w:siren |call]]. That's what I do. I'm like a big E.V.O. magnet. : '''Rex:''' I came because I thought we had a connection. And what are you calling? Nothing's out there but big, ugly sea monsters. : '''Circe:''' It's them! You have to go! Rex, please! I don't want them to see you with me! : '''Rex:''' Who? Your parents? : '''Circe:''' They're not my parents. They're... : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Van Kleiss' guys!? Your with ''them''!? : '''Circe:''' Yeah. I'm with them. <hr width80%> : '''Biowulf:''' We're running out patience with you, Circe! You have one last chance! Summon the E.V.O.! Finish the job!! : '''Circe:''' Don't you think I've been trying? Every day for the last week? Sometimes these things take time. : '''Rex:''' It is just me or do you use your powers to kill all the guys you meet? You're letting her go, now! : '''Biowulf (laughs)''': So ''this'' is who you been wasting your time with. She's on her own free will, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You have to leave me alone, Rex!! ''Please!'' <hr width80%> : '''Six:''' Go after her. I mean it. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Are you serious!? : '''Circe:''' To the rest of the world I'm a freak! Not to them! : '''Rex:''' You're not a freak to me! What about that? : '''Circe:''' What about it!? Spring break is fun, but we can't live there, Rex. The real world... : '''Rex:''' In the real world, I work for Providence. You could come with me. Could you cut out that noise for a second!? : '''Circe:''' No, I can't! I'm running out of time! Most people on this planet what E.V.O.s gone, ''including'' Providence! With Van Kleiss, I have a purpose; a home. You don't what that means to me. : '''Rex:''' Actually, I think I might. : '''Circe:''' So what are going to do? : '''Rex:''' How about fight that big, ugly sea monster again? : '''Circe:''' Finally! It's what I came here to do. : '''Rex:''' You've been calling that thing, haven't you? : '''Circe:''' It's my initiation into the Pack. I was brought here to capture it. : '''Rex:''' By yourself!? The two of us could barely take it on! There's a resort here; innocent people! Send it back! : '''Circe:''' That's not an option, Rex. Van Kleiss was very specific. : '''Rex:''' Then I'm helping you. : '''Circe:''' That's not an option either!! : (''Blasts him with her hypersonic waves'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' If I do this myself, I'll have a life! If I don't, Van Kleiss won't be happy. And you've seen what he does when he's not happy. : '''Rex:''' If I don't help you, he won't even get the chance! : '''Circe:''' Give me some credit, Rex! I'm not as helpless as you think! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I don't care whose side your on, Circe. I don't want to see you die today. Can we at least agree on that? : '''Circe:''' You have no idea what I'm in for, Rex. But you're right. I can't do this by myself. : '''Rex:''' You're not as helpless as you think. <hr width80%> : '''Circe''' (''relieved'')''':''' Rex, you stopped it. : '''Rex:''' We make a good team, huh? : '''Circe:''' Yeah, we sure do. : (''She and Rex lean in closer for a passionate kiss, but are interrupted by Biowulf'') : '''Biowulf:''' This trial was for you alone. Van Kleiss will not be pleased. : '''Rex:''' Forget them, Circe. Come with me. Providence could use you. : '''Circe:''' That's just not my life, Rex. I'm sorry. I did have fun. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We had high hopes for your abilities, Circe. Failure leaves its mark on yet another pretty face. : '''Circe:''' I'm not afraid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Of course not. You're a survivor, like all of us. I understand you made a friend during your trial. I'm pleased. Rex is very important to me, Circe, which makes you very important to me as well. Welcome to the Pack. : (''Circe looks slightly worried, which clearly indicates that she does have real feelings for Rex'') ===Lockdown=== <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex, stop!! :'''Rex:''' Give me one good reason! :'''Holiday:''' Because, Rex...that's my sister. :'''Rex:''' Can I...help? :'''Holiday:''' She's an incurable. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' Restrain it. Carefully. :'''Holiday:''' Thank you. ===The Architect=== :'''Six''': Still no sign of the kid? :'''Holiday''': Not since we lost his biometric readings five days ago. :'''Six''': Was Noah any help? :'''Holiday''': Says he doesn't know where he is either. What is it going to take for Providence to realize that he needs a home, not just a room and a job? We've been pushing him away. :'''Rex''': I build machines and cure EVOs-- the only one in the world who can. Just one cure for that kind of pressure-- road trip. But that doesn't mean "vacation". :'''Build worker''': Whoa! :'''Maxwell''': What in the world is that?! :'''Build worker:''' Oh, no! :''[Both screaming]'' :'''Jacob''': Get away from that cable! Unh! :''[Kate gasps]'' :'''Maxwell''': Hey! :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Kate''': Jacob! :'''Rex''': Nope. A hero's work is never done. You okay? :'''Jacob''': What... are you? :'''Rex''': Here to help. :'''Jacob''': We've got to get that cable back underground. We've been compromised. :'''Kate''': But, Jacob, the EVOs-- :'''Jacob''': We don't have a choice. Everything we've worked for That boy is here for a reason. :'''Rex''': Hey! Pay attention! :'''Providence Agent''': We have a hit in sector 15. :'''Six''': Anyone in the area? :'''Providence Agent''': I show one patrol in the vicinity. Signaling to intercept. Roger that. We're on our way. :'''Rex''': Agh! You want a ride? Vamanos! :'''Jacob''': You can control your nanites? :'''Rex''': People usually start with "thanks," but yeah. :'''Jacob''': You see? This is exactly what the Architect can help us achieve... harmony with the nanites. This boy... sorry... young man Is a miracle. :'''Rex''': I'm not a miracle. I'm just Rex. :'''Jacob''': Well, Rex, you're a blessing to us for what you did here and for showing us that all our work isn't in vain. :'''Rex''': Like imaginary work? :'''Jacob''': Follow us. :'''Providence Agent''': Confirming coordinates. We've lost the EVO signal. Did you take it out? Negative. There's nothing here. Must be another anomalous reading. You can return to post. :'''Rex''': This is awesome! A hidden village. And nobody knows you're out here? Not even Providence? :'''Jacob''': Especially not Providence. :'''Rex''': Really? really. Pshh! Looks like you get pretty good cellphone reception. :'''Jacob''': That tower is gonna change the world, Rex. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I have one for You. Are you hungry? :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! :'''Caleb''': My dad said you fought all those EVOs all by yourself. Were you scared? Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from EVOs? :'''Kate''': Caleb, let him eat. We don't get many visitors. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! What is this? :'''Caleb''': Didn't your mom ever make you meatloaf and mashed potatoes? :'''Rex''': I don't -- I don't know. :'''Kate''': It took me a month and a half to program in the perfect lump-to-mash ratio of the potatoes-- 7.2%! :'''Jacob''': We ate potatoes until they were coming out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I don't see any potatoes in there. :'''Caleb''': They didn't really come out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I could eat these every day. :'''Rex''': Mmm! :'''Caleb''': We have them every friday. :'''Rex''': Then I might just have to stick around until next friday. :'''Kate''': Help yourself to seconds. :'''Jacob''': Or thirds. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! :'''Bobo''': Hmm? :'''Six''': You might think you're doing Rex a favor by covering for him. :'''Bobo''': Get lost. I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Six''': Rex is angry with us. He has every right to be. But that means nothing to White Knight. And he doesn't have the patience we do. :'''Bobo''': Nice try. White won't lay a finger on him. He's too important. :'''Six''': You, however, are somewhat expendable. :'''Bobo''': All right, all right. You made your point. :'''Rex''': I've never seen tech like this... not even at Providence. :'''Jacob''': The Architect has some pretty big ideas. We just make them happen. He'd be very interested to meet you, Rex. :'''Rex''': So what exactly are You doing way out here? :'''Jacob''': Engineers like us weren't very popular after the nanite event. When we met the Architect, he offered us the opportunity to make up for that... to do amazing things. Someday, we'll be able to share This with the world. And then there's this. The Architect has actually discovered a way to communicate with the nanites. :'''Rex''': Are you serious? :'''Jacob''': The possibilities... We could finally live in harmony... maybe even have them help us. :'''Rex''': Then why hide it? The rest of the world would want to know about this stuff. :'''Jacob''': The Architect is something of a perfectionist. Says the world will know as soon as it comes online. :'''Maxwell''': Stinkin' module! :'''Jacob''': Is there a problem, Maxwell? :'''Maxwell''': No matter what I try, I just can't get the interlock servo to engage. :'''Rex''': There. :'''Jacob''': That could have taken us weeks to figure out, and you did it in seconds. :'''Rex''': Eh, no biggie. :'''Jacob''': You really are amazing, Rex. We're so happy to have you with us. :'''The Architect''': Jacob. :'''Jacob''': I was just talking to Rex about you. The Architect. :'''Rex''': How's it going? :'''The Architect''': The power-linkage team is falling behind. We cannot keep having these delays. :'''Jacob''': I'll check in with them. :'''Rex''': Wow. Friendly. :'''Jacob''': I like to think he's smiling on the inside. :'''Rex''': Yeah. I know a guy like that. :'''The Architect''': The visitor could be a problem. Do you wish to have him removed? :'''Zag-RS''': His abilities could advance our progress considerably. And in a matter of days all humans will be gone, including this one: Rex. :'''Six''': I'm at the location the monkey gave me. :'''Holiday''': Well? Is Rex there? :'''Six''': Apparently not. Tell the monkey I want to see him when I get back. Six out. :'''Rex''': That should do it. :'''Maxwell''': Hey, Rex, can you look at this? :'''Rex''': Sure. Let me guess... they all need my help, too. :'''Jacob''': You're quite the popular guy. :'''Rex''': Amazing what a little gratitude will get you. At Providence, they'd just be yelling at me. I mean, I never felt like I really belonged there. Here, it's way different. :'''Jacob''': I know the feeling. The Architect has made all this possible for us. We have a community... a family... thanks to him. The work we do is in part to pay that back. :'''The Architect''': Primary systems are now complete. :'''Zag-RS''': Prepare to take us online. :'''Bobo''': Have a nice trip? Let's get one thing straight, pal. I would never rat out my... Ooh. He's going west. :'''White Knight''': Why is Rex doing this? Doesn't he have a sense of duty? :'''Holiday''': Actually, if you look, he's still doing his job. Here's every false alarm since Rex left... not false alarms, But Rex taking care of EVOs along the way. :'''White Knight''': Why? :'''Holiday''': I don't know. To prove he doesn't need us? :'''Six''': Get the coordinates of the last false alarm and transmit them to my jump jet. :'''Holiday''': Six, if we force him to come back, he'll just run away again. He has to want to be here. It needs to be his decision. :'''Jacob''': It's all coming together, Thanks to you, Rex. :'''Rex''': It's really cool to use my powers to actually build something, instead of just pounding EVOs. Oh, check it out. Even the boss is pitching in. :'''Both''': Huh? :'''Rex''': And that's getting strange looks because-- :'''Jacob''': Because in all these years, we've never seen him lift a finger. :'''Rex''': Taking some initiative... I like that. So, this whole "talking to nanites" thing... how does that work, exactly? I mean, what are you gonna say to them? :'''The Architect''': It doesn't concern you. :'''Rex''': Uh, considering I'm filled with them, it kind of does. How do we know it's not gonna make things even worse? :'''The Architect''': I do not answer to you, child! :'''Jacob''': Rex? Forgive him. He's still not used to the way things work around here. :'''The Architect''': Complete your duties! :'''Rex''': Why do you let him walk all over you like that? Don't you want answers? :'''Jacob''': What we want is a home. Without him, we have nothing... Nothing. We can't just run away from our problems, Rex. Most people can't. Look, this isn't perfect but it's all we've got. Rex, where are you going? :'''Rex''': He never answered my question. :'''Jacob''': That place is off-limits. The Architect has made it very clear to us that we can never go in there. We get this life for that promise. Rex, don't do it! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Jacob''': Rex, please! :'''Rex''': I'm sorry, jacob. I have to know. :'''The Architect''': Rex. The core is off-limits. You would be we to leave at once. :'''Rex''': Not until I get some answers. What is that? :'''The Architect''': No more questions. :'''Rex''': So, it's gonna be like that? Okay, I'll play. Unh! What are you hiding, huh? What does this do? Yah! Yah! Huh? You're a machine? Have you seen what I can do to machines? Agh! :'''Zag-RS''': As you can see, the current range of my signal is rather limited. :'''Rex''': You're the computer. :'''Zag-RS''': My human designation is "Zag-RS". The device you refer to as "The Architect" is my autonomous counterpart. :'''Rex''': What did you just do to me? :'''Zag-RS''': I instructed your nanites to protect me. :'''Rex''': "Instructed"? So you really can talk to them. :'''Zag-RS''': Insidious devices, the nanites. My own potential for greatness has been compromised because of them. They must be eliminated. When the transmitter is integrated into the broadcast array you helped us complete, they will blow themselves up. :'''Rex''': That's what this is for. It's like a big remote control. Every living thing on the planet has nanites in them. It'd kill everything! :'''Zag-RS''': That is of no importance to me... only ensuring my continued survival. :'''Rex''': Well, what about ours? This is all coming down! :'''Zag-RS''': I'm afraid you're too late. :'''Rex''': Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! :'''Jacob''': Rex, what have you done? :'''Rex''': You don't understand! The Architect... it's a robot... And a big honkin' computer "brain" is pulling his strings. :'''Jacob''': This can't be! :'''Rex''': Jacob, you've got to believe me. Just go inside and look. What's left of it is on the floor. :'''Jacob''': I can't go in there. And I don't have to. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Rex''': You're making a big mistake! :'''Maxwell''': You entered his sanctum! This is unforgivable! :'''Rex''': I'm trying to tell you... this isn't what it seems. What you're protecting is a robot, and that thing we've been building is a transmitter. It's gonna send out a kill code to blow up every single nanite on Earth. :'''Maxwell''': He's lying! :'''Jacob''': What would be the point in that, Rex? Every living thing is infected with nanites. It would be catastrophic. :'''Rex''': Right in the middle of that pyramid is a computer, and it doesn't care about you or Kate or Caleb. The better future that you've all been working towards... That's the lie. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you've never been inside that place, that The Architect has never given you a straight answer about anything? :'''Jacob''': All this work it just doesn't make any sense. :'''Rex''': You have two choices... Go in there and prove me wrong or kick me out right now. I'll have Providence here in minutes. :'''Maxwell''': He's bluffing. :'''Rex''': To save every living thing on earth? Try me. :'''Maxwell''': Jacob, you can't! What about our promise? Where will we go? :'''Jacob''': All this time, we've been living in fear, Max. It's time for that to end. :'''The Architect''': You needn't bother. Construction is complete. Your services are no longer required. :'''Rex''': Now do you believe me? :'''The Architect''': Zag-RS thanks you for your hard work. In gratitude, my master has delayed transmission to allow you to say farewell. :'''Jacob''': Farewell, huh? I'll start with you. Can you shut that thing down? :'''Rex''': I don't know. Even without the antenna, it can mess with my nanites. I can't get too close to the computer. :'''Jacob''': Maybe I can. Let's go! :'''Rex''': The brain is right over there. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Jacob''': It's still arging. The A.I. must have retreated behind a firewall. Rex, I have to go cut the power. :'''Holiday''': Six, are you at The location? :'''Six''': Just arrived. :'''Holiday''': I'm picking up a massive power surge in your area. :'''Six''': I'm not seeing anything. :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Six''': Six to holiday. Correction... I'm seeing something. :'''Jacob''': It's still on. Must have charged the capacitors. Figure out a way to short it out... fast! :'''Rex''': Unhhh! :'''Jacob''': You need to find the primary transmitter module. That will kill the broadcast. :'''Rex''': I have no idea what that is. :'''Jacob''': Max, we need to locate the primary module. :'''Maxwell''': Panel 5, just off the relay bus. :'''Jacob''': Top of the tower. You can't miss it. :'''Rex''': Agh! Unh! Why do you have to kill everyone? Can't you just leave us alone? :'''Zag-RS''': Alone is exactly what I want, Rex. :'''Rex''': That kind of alone it stinks. :'''Zag-RS''': N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. :'''Jacob''': It's gone. Must have uploaded to another location. But without anyone to do it's bidding, it's just a program. :'''Rex''': What will you do now? :'''Jacob''': We'll rebuild. The Architect may have been a lie, but what we believe in is true. We don't need him to have a community or a better future. You're welcome to stay. We sure could use someone with your abilities. :'''White Knight''': Well? :'''Six''': He's not here. Bobo's been worried sick. :'''Rex''': rex: Oh, really? :'''Six''': Ratted you out for a pizza. :'''Rex''': Huh. Figures. What about you? Here to drag me back to Providence? :'''Six''': Not this time. Seems like a nice place. :'''Rex''': Yeah. It is. But it's not home. If I'm going back, there are gonna have to be some changes. First, no more curfew. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Second, I want to decide On my missions. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Okay, but there's one change that absolutely has to be made, or I'm through. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Mmm! Mmm! Isn't this great? :'''Bobo''': Mmm. :'''Six''': It's a little dry. :'''Rex''': Mmm. Mm the lump mash ratio is a bit off. :'''Bobo''': You know what? Maybe I'll run away, too... Go somewhere where my cooking is appreciated! :'''Six''': We have to do this every friday? :'''Rex''': Mmm. ===Frostbite=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I'm picking up a problem. You need to return to base immediately. :'''Rex''': I miss you, too, doc. But I'm kinda busy dealing with a problem of my own. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Okay. Ow. Big mistake, tweety. Can that bird brain of yours comprende I'm trying to help you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, your own nanite count is off the charts. If you take on any more nanites, We're looking at an overload. :'''Rex''': Come on, doc. It's just a big birdie. :'''Dr. Holiday''': You're already over capacity. This is critical! Rex! :'''Six''': Rex, you need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at headquarters now. :'''Rex''': Do you really want a supersize pigeon flying loose all over lower Manhattan? You need me, and I can handle it. :'''Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': Unless I make it my call. :'''Dr. Holiday''': (as everyone is fighting) Stop! Need I point out that this isn't the best place for a fight. Anything happens to that storage tank and you'll know why providence made this place so remote. Now let's just talk this out calmly, rationally. :'''Biowulf''': Whatever happens here, Weaver. It's nothing compared to what Van Kleiss would have done to you. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck. (Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': Rex. You need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Agent Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at Headquarters. Now! :'''Rex''': Do you really want a super-sized pigeon flying loose over lower Manhattan. You need me and I handle it. :'''Agent Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': (as he's flying over the Pack in an Arctic storm) Like you're really going to find me when you can't see 2 feet in front of your face... Huh? (Flies into some of Skalamander's shards and crashes) Guess that visibility thing works both ways. :'''Rex''': (To Weaver) So, thanks to you, all this time I've been supplying nanites to Van Kleiss! :'''Rex''': Can't you believe you let these scags get the drop on you. :'''Agent Six''': They tried. It didn't turn out so well. Just haven't found a way to fight xenoflourine gas... yet. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck.(Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': You can't possibly absorb all those nanites! You'd overload in an instant. :'''Rex''': In case you haven't noticed, I have this problem with authority. :'''Rex''': (as Rex is absorbing nanites) Six wait! I can hear them! :'''Doctor Holiday''': (Watching from the ship) What are you waiting for, Six? Take the shot! :'''Rex''': (Speaking mechanically) Build protocol enabled. Command error detected. Abort. Abort. Stand by engaged. (Rex falls. His voice reverts to normal) Take the shot. :'''Agent Six''': He told me he could hear them. :'''Doctor Holiday''': I picked this up during the offload... It's Nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Agent Six''': Seems there are more secrets inside that kid than we realized. :'''Skalamander:''' What's the kid doing here? :'''Biowulf:''' I don't know. This was supposed to be routine. Something's not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends!? :'''Salamander:''' He thinks we've done something. :'''Biowulf:''' Then let him keep thinking. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' You know, the nanites in me can counteract knockout gas! The playing-possum thing's a pretty good trick. Now tell me where my friends are or I start squeezing! <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' He told me he could hear them. :'''Holiday:''' I pulled this off during the offload. It's nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Six:''' Seems like there are more secrets inside that kid than we thought. ===Leader of the Pack=== <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' There couldn't possibly be enough E.V.O. activity to account for these nanite readings. They're off the scale. Looking for Van Kleiss? : '''Rex:''' Circe. I thought I saw her in the blimp. : '''Holiday:''' That's the girl you met in Cabo Luna. : '''Rex:''' She may be with the Pack now, but I think I can still get her to talk to me. You know I can be pretty convincing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Holiday, there! Now let's take this outside! :'''Holiday:''' Rex. : '''Van Kleiss:''' It's quite all right. The determination of youth. I'm sure Circe will be disappointed she couldn't see you, Rex. She's attending to other duties this evening. Now if you will excuse me. : '''Rex:''' Why are you really here!? : '''Van Kleiss:''' The people of Abysus have a great way to offer the world. I'm just in part to make that known. :'''Rex:''' Or maybe 'cause I couldn't come to you, so now you're coming to me! :'''Van Kleiss:''' I admit you are important to me, Rex, but it's not always about you. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? Interesting look. Want to tell me what's going on? : '''Circe:''' Not today. :(''Knocks him out cold with a metal slate. She later looks outside Rex's prison cell and leaves, with a slightly guilty, dejected expression'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Well, thanks for nearly bashing my brains in back there! And what's with the "knocking me out" thing? : '''Circe:''' We just needed to keep you out of the way until all of this was over. : '''Rex:''' ''This!?'' He could destroy the whole city! : '''Circe:''' He's trying to negotiate peace from a position of strength. : '''Rex''' (sarcastically)''':''' Oh, yeah! All this nanite power is just screaming peace. : '''Circe:''' His methods may be aggressive. But he's here to save us...and you. Come on, Rex, jump in with us. The water's fine. : '''Rex:''' I'll think about it ''after'' I've stopped Van Kleiss. : '''Circe:''' It's too late for that now, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We will not be ignored! ''Circe'' understands this. Why don't you respect her judgement? :'''Rex:''' You think you can lure me in with her. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Like a fish to water. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I won! : '''Van Kleiss:''' It seems you have. Your parents would have been so proud. I never had the chance to tell you about them, have I? Perhaps another time. ===Breach=== : '''Rex:''' This is...different. <hr width80%> : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What is Van Kliess up to, Breach! Where did he have you send Rex? : '''Breach:''' Van Kleiss isn't always in charge of me. Sometimes I do what I want; like now. ===Of Love and War=== ===No Strings Attached=== ===Desperate Measures=== ===The E.V.O. Agenda=== ===Dark Passage=== <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Rex? Is that you? :'''Rex:''' You know my name. :'''Dr. Rylandar:''' Of course I do! I gave it to you! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' I can't believe you're alive. What a stroke of luck. :'''Rex:''' Dad? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You've lost your memory, have you? not surprising, considering what you've been through. Oh. Sorry to disappoint you, Rex. I'm afraid I'm not who you want me to be. :'''Rex:''' Oh. So if you're not my dad, do you know where he is? Oh, well. Rex Rylander is a goofy name, anyway. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander, I've got to know. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You must understand. It was never about power or greed. It was able changing the world, saving mankind from disease and starvation. And we would have succeeded until ''they'' got involved. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Rylander:''' The nanites were incomplete. The incident spread them across the globe before we could finish their final programming. Except for you. Yours were from a different batch, the very first actually. All those innocent victims. :'''Rex:''' If you feel so bad about it, why have you been attacking more people? :'''Rylander:''' Hmm. "The chosen few." Those men and women, Rex, are far from innocent. While they hide in their office towers and gated estates, I've been here trying to set things right, to find a cure for what we created. I've begged for more funding. :'''Rex:''' Wait! Everyone you attacked- They all worked on the Nanite Project? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' They commissioned it. I merely wished to send them a warning to see what would happen if they refused to help finish the good work we started. And it was good, Rex. ''You're'' living proof that we were doing the right thing. :'''Rex''' (''indignant'')''':''' By turning me into an E.V.O.!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You had an accident. The nanites were your only hope. It was tremendous gamble. The...unexpected side affects name later. It was surprise to all of us. Oh. The look on your brother's face... :'''Rex:''' Brother? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' When the Event occurred, it was your powers that saved you both. Most of the others, they weren't so lucky. :'''Rex''' (''to himself'')''':''' I'm not alone. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Oh, here. I have something for you. :(''Injects the mighty and all-powerful Omega Nanite into his system'') :'''Rex:''' Ow. <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The force-field must be failing. :'''Rex:''' Forget the force-field! What did you just inject me with!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[[w:Omnipotence |Everything]]''. :'''Rex:''' ''Enough, okay!? Do you have any idea what's been like!? Not knowing who I am!? If my family's dead or alive!? Quite with the mad scientist act and give me some answers!!'' :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Forgive me, Rex. I been so consumed with my own guilt I didn't consider what you must be going through. The truth is- :'''Van Kleiss:''' Truth, Doctor? You wouldn't know the first thing about it. Nor loyalty for that matter. How many times must I tell you this, Rex? The answers you so desperately seek lie with me. And as for you, Doctor, consider our past disagreement settled. I look forward to continuing our research...alone. This was unavoidable, Rex. The longer you resist me, the more people get hurt. Rylander has always been on borrowed time. All of this belongs to me now. Destroy me and you lose everything. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' No. I didn't see what happened, but according to Rex, Van Kleiss has been eliminated. Rylander's experiment is a total loss. :'''Holiday:''' All of this for nothing. I'm sorry, Rex. :'''Rex:''' It wasn't for nothing, Doc. I've got a brother. Out there- somewhere. Finally! I started to get some real answers. I feel closer to the truth than ever. ===The Forgotten=== :'''Six:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' It's like I'm hearing through my nanites. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' You are not the Before. :'''Rex:''' I'm not sure that was a complete sentence back then. :'''No-Face:''' ''They'' are the Before! The Before forgot us. The Before left us in pain. <hr width80%> ===Operation: Wingman=== :'''Annie:''' "Do you have a girlfriend?" :'''Rex:''' "It's complicated. She's in league with an evil dictator who wants me dead." :'''Annie:''' "Yeah. My dad's always worried about me dating, too." <hr width80%> ===Rabble=== :'''Quarry''': Come on, Rex. (''holds up Rex's journal'') We both know this is what you really want. So go ahead take it. Walk away. Show them who you really are. You were always very good a taking care of yourself. Why should now be any different? :'''Rex''': (''Cuts his journal in two'') Whoever I was back then, is not who I am now. Not anymore. :'''Quarry''': Your choice. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': It's over, Quarry! You lose! <hr width80%> : '''Sqywwd:''' I hope you don't expect us to thank you. : '''Rex:''' No. Providence won't bother you unless you do something stupid. : '''Cricket:''' We'll be fine. Thank you, Rex. :(''Kisses him on the check'') : '''Tuck:''' Don't forget about us, Okay? : '''Rex:''' That may be a promise I can't keep. (''Flies off on his Boogie Pack'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' It's going to happen again, isn't it? I'm going to blank out. How long do I have? : '''Holiday:''' I don't know, Rex. It's likely triggered by a specific event; something traumatic. ===The Hunter=== ===Gravity=== ===What Lies Beneath=== : '''Circe:''' Rex, it's me. : '''Rex:''' Circe? What do ''you'' want!? : '''Circe:''' Things in Abysus- they're bad, Rex. I need your help. : '''Rex:''' Oh, well, how do I put this nicely? Not a chance! You made your choice, Circe! I made mine. End of story. : '''Circe:''' Please, Rex. I know you're mad at me, but this is a matter of life and death. : '''Rex:''' A lot of things are right now. Nice talking to you. : '''Circe:''' Rex!? : (''Looks crestfallen'') <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I didn't know you were still in touch with Circe. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, me neither. Can we please stop talking about this? <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' She's very pretty. : '''Rex:''' She works for Van Kleiss. She's the enemy. : '''Holiday:''' But you still like her, don't you? : '''Rex:''' I am ''not'' talking about this! <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Rex, thank you. : '''Rex:''' I'm not doing this for you. But...your welcome. (''Circe similes hopefully'') So what exactly am I supposed to do? :'''Holiday:''' When I said you were the key, I meant that literally. According to the plans, the machine needs to be turned on by a molecular level. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' You ''lied'' to me!! : '''Circe:''' You wouldn't have come if I told you the truth. : '''Rex:''' This wasn't about you needing ''me''!! This is about you needing Van Kleiss!! : '''Circe:''' I need you both. Please, Rex, you don't understand. : '''Rex:''' No!! ''You'' don't understand!! Van Kleiss is gone and I intend to keep it that way!! : '''Biowulf:''' You destroyed us all!! : '''Six:''' Don't even breathe. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You don't know what you've done. : '''Rex:''' Then, I guess we're even. : '''Circe:''' You've never understood his power. Van Kleiss kept us safe here. His force was the only thing keeping Abysus together, and you destroyed that. : '''Rex:''' We're done here!! : '''Holiday:''' Rex, I think she's right. Nanites operate on a molecular level. If they bonded with Van Kleiss, breaking off his connection must have caused a splinter; resulting in a disastrous chain reaction. : '''Rex:''' I'm ''not'' bringing him back! ''Not now, not ever!!'' Besides, you don't need Van Kleiss! You have me!! Why not go straight to the source?! :'''Holiday:''' Rex, no! :'''Six:''' Stand down! It's too dangerous! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Let go of me!! : '''Holiday:''' If you keep fighting these unstable nanites, they're going to destroy you! : '''Rex:''' And if I don't they'll destroy everybody else. : '''Holiday:''' Not if you listen to me! I have an idea. It's a long shot. Instead of fighting the nanites, ''communicate'' with them. : '''Six:''' You want to talk to the nanites? : '''Holiday:''' He's done it before. : '''Rex:''' Never anything this big. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I got you! Don't let go!! (''Rex struggles to save Circe from falling as she clings to him; tears fill her eyes''). ''Circe!!'' (''as she falls into the black goop of highly unstable nanites'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' ''Circe!'' Six! Dr. Holiday! Okay, you win. (''technopathically starts the machine''). Something's...not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Circe! Come on, breathe! : '''Circe''' (''coughs weakly'')''':''' Hey. : '''Rex:''' Hey. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Stay with us, Circe. Van Kleiss is done. : '''Circe:''' As much as I care about you, Rex, Van Kleiss and the Pack are my family. They took me in when no one else would. I can't abandon them. : '''Rex:''' So that's it. We're always going to be on opposite sides. : '''Circe:''' It does keep it interesting. ===The Swarm=== :'''Rex''' (thinking'')''':''' ''Gotta stay under. Not sure I can...make it. :(''Has visions of those most dear to him: Noah, his crush Circe, Holiday, Six, Bobo) ===Basic=== ===The Plague=== ===Promises, Promises=== :''Note:'' This episode depicts how young Rex had joined Providence via Six's [[w:flashback episode|memories]]. <hr width80%> :''[Six narrates over imagery of the Nanite Event.]'' :'''Six:''' The names and faces may change, but no matter how you slice it, war is war. You pick a side and you don’t look back. I believe that now and I believed it then. What gets you in trouble is when you start second guessing. Forget what you’re fighting for and you’re finished. :'''Diane Farrah:''' ''[Panicked screaming is heard in the background of an EVO attack]'' There’s another entity has emerged, this time in the heart of Paris. Authorities are vastly unprepared. Unless a decisive response to this pandemic is marshalled, the city will fall just as Kiev— ''[Diane Farrah gets snatched by the EVO’s web]'' :''[A Providence assault vehicle rams through police cars, from which Six appears and deals with the EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Save some for me partner! How else am I gonna earn my paycheck? :''[Knight fires off a weapon and the scene cuts to present day at Providence Headquarters.]'' :'''Providence Agents:''' Surprise! :'''Rex:''' So, the flu shots? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I needed an excuse to get you here. We’ll do them after cake. I’ll get you Van Kleiss! ''[Holiday swings at a pinata blindfolded before Rex crushes it with his smack hands]'' :'''Rex:''' Sorry, Doc, it was taking too long. And it was either that or throw some of your cake at it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday walks over to Six at a corner, passing him a drink]'' You’re looking festive. :'''Six:''' It was an odd choice to pick today to be his birthday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It is the anniversary of his new life here. He deserves a celebration, he changed everything. :'''Six:''' Has he? :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex jumps onto a counter, speaking to the agents surrounding him]'' Ha-hah! How about hitting The Petting Zoo for a little pin-the-tail on the raging “Rhinocesaurus”? :'''Dr. Holiday and Six:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Every party has a pooper. And I got two. :'''Providence Agents:''' ''[Providence Agents turn off the lights and bring Rex a birthday cake]'' Happy Birthday! :'''Rex:''' Dudes! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You should be celebrating too, Six! After all, you’re the one who started this. In a way, it’s your birthday too. :''[Flashback to Six and Knight walking through the Petting Zoo during construction of Providence HQ.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Nyquist. Fortier. How’s the monkey business? :'''Nyquist:''' Ha ha-larious, Knight. :'''Fortier:''' Hey, for your information we probably saved the world today. :'''White Knight:''' I, for one, feel safer already. ''[Knight states, looking at Bobo while Six walks towards his cage]'' :'''Bobo:''' So, green man. We meet again! :'''Calan:''' They found him at the Kremlin this time. He was threatening to push the button unless someone brought him a thousand pounds of caviar. :'''Bobo:''' Chimp’s gotta eat. :'''Fortier:''' What about your little bug hunt? Give you much trouble? :'''White Knight:''' Nothing we couldn’t handle. :''[The EVO is transported in a cage overhead while Knight and Six walk through a hallway.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What? Not even a smile? Oh by the way, happy birthday. ''[Knight passes Six a gift]'' :'''Six:''' How did you know? :'''White Knight:''' I’m your partner. Can’t keep much from me. :'''Six:''' Thanks. :'''White Knight:''' So what crawled up your coat? :'''Six:''' I’m getting tired of all this fighting. Did you see how many there are now? Are we gonna cage the whole world? :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight turns around, placing a hand on Six's shoulder]'' We’re preserving the human race. ''[The door to the processing facility opens]'' Besides, who says we’re gonna cage them all? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Looking at the EVO]'' And to think, this was once spinning webs in someone’s garden. Doctor Holiday, prepare for disassembly. ''[Doctor Holiday nods and activates the procedure as per his instructions. Doctor Fell sports a wicked smile during the experiment before it disintegrates the EVO without a trace]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It’s the same exact data as last time, and the time before that; Doctor Fell, why aren’t we studying them in a natural setting? :'''Dr. Fell:''' Only through molecular dissection will we find a way to expunge this threat. The committee agrees with me on this. If you do not approve, I can always find another assistant. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Doctor Holiday leaves the facility in frustration with Doctor Fell]'' Bleeding hearts. They’ll get us all killed one day. :''[Holiday walks down a hallway and drops several notes, one of which Six picks up.]'' :'''Six:''' EVO? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Exponentially Variegated Organism; a little more scientific than spoiled meat. That is what you hired guns call them isn’t it? :'''Six:''' It's Six, and I don't use guns. You told Fell we could learn more by bringing them in alive. What did you mean? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites are altering our DNA, but with the right type of research, there's no doubt they could be programmed to stop or reverse the process. Imagine a third option to this, kill-or-Contain protocol. :'''Six:''' A third option? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A cure. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight and several other Providence agents run past Holiday after an alarm activates]'' Buckle up partner! Looks like we got ourselves a big one. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hopeless. :''[Providence mercenaries arrive at Mexico to confront the giant mechanical EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What are we looking at? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Fascinating. It appears to be bio-mechanical. I must have a closer look at this one. :'''White Knight:''' One for the trophy case. :'''Six:''' Wait. We may get more out of this one if we bring it in alive! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Fell:''' You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Six. With what we gleam from this boy, I could create tools that could inoculate the world. :'''Six:''' Why risk it? He can already cure them! I've seen it! :'''White Knight:''' So, what, we train him? Make him one of us? <hr width80%> :'''Knight:''' We're supposed to be friends! He's a monster! What do you see in him!? :'''Six:''' Hope. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Thanks for talking some sense into him, Doc. ''[Knight picks up Six’s katana and walks toward Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' What...what’s happening to me? ''[Rex pleas to Knight, who simply looks down at him before warning sirens go off and the facility begins to lockdown]'' :'''Dr. Fell:''' We’re all going to burn. ''[Fell escapes while Rex is craned away by Holiday on an upper level]'' :'''White Knight:''' No! ''[Knight looks back at Six who is slowly picking himself up while the remaining exits close off. In a last ditch effort, Knight carries Six and throws him through the final set of doors before they seal shut]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Six picks himself and slams his fist against the glass]'' Why? :'''White Knight:''' I know what side I’m on. ''[Knight proudly states before getting consumed by a blinding white light and screaming in agony]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Grabbing a hold of Dr. Fell's collar Six shouts]'' Do something! :'''Dr. Fell:''' Once the cycle starts it's impossible to shut down. :'''Rex:''' ''[Contrary to Dr. Fell's statement, the light fades away and the electricity is subdued after Rex interfaces with a control panel]'' Impossible? Psh, right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you—-? :'''Rex:''' Told it to turn off. And it did! Wait, where...where am I? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Doctor Holiday. Maybe you were right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Maybe you should start looking for another job. :'''Bobo:''' ''[Within the processing chamber, Knight takes a few steps forward before collapsing]'' Hey marshmallow! Nice look! ''[Knight looks back up at Bobo with his signature bleached appearance]'' :''[Some time later, in his office White Knight speaks to Six through a monitor.]'' :'''White Knight:''' How’s the training? :'''Six:''' Slow. :'''White Knight:''' Not all you hoped he’d be? ''[Rex and Bobo topple each other in a play fight while Knight continues to monologue in his office]'' Still, who would’ve thought the kinder, gentler approach would do such wonders for our profile. The notion of a cure has gotten Providence funding, and worldwide prestige. The committee's happy. Your new partner may just be the best thing this operation could have asked for. Funny, isn’t it? Because of you I can never leave this chamber. I’m now the only pure human left in the world. And the perfect poster boy to run this operation. I suppose I should thank you. :'''Six:''' I promised him that we would help uncover his past; find his family. :'''White Knight:''' Whatever keeps him on his leash. But if he shows the slightest sign of turning into thing again, it's all on you. :''[Back at the party in the present, Noah is pinned down by Bobo with a bag on his head to Rex’s amusement.]'' :'''Rex:''' Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my—hold him down, I’ll get the camera! ''[Rex runs to his room, and after a quick search he instead finds a long box on a corner shelf]'' :'''Six:''' Happy birthday. ''[Six walks into his room, officially greeting Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' From you? For me? You gotta be kidding. :'''Six:''' You, your work. It has made a real difference. I just—- :'''Rex:''' Yeah, I know I’m pretty great! But seriously get off the sap train, Six. It’s creeping me out. ''[Rex opens the gift to reveal the blade inside]'' Wow, Six! Thank you! :'''Six:''' It’s called a tanto. It’s the ceremonial blade of a samurai warrior. :'''Rex:''' Samurai? Awesome. :'''Six:''' ''[Six unsheathes his own tanto and holds it against Rex’s]'' This is its twin. :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex removes the cap from his tanto and squints at the symbol etched into the blade]'' Is that...writing? :'''Six:''' Bushido symbol of loyalty. It means whether for good or ill, our fates will follow the same path. This one stays with me. :'''Rex:''' Think this thing can cut through Holiday’s chocolate cake? :'''Six:''' ''[Six raises an eyebrow]'' Anything’s possible. :''[Rex puts the cap back on to the blade and camera cuts to outside of Providence headquarters, panning outward until screen fades to black.]'' ===Badlands=== :'''Gatlocke:''' Do you like rules? :'''Rex:''' Can't say I do. <hr width80%> :'''Gatlocke:''' Feel that? It's quilted. This is the good kind. But I won't be able to really enjoy in ''until I have those nanites!'' <hr width80%> ===Out of the Dark=== :''Note'': Rex's love interest and sweetheart Circe appears in a vision. ===Payback=== :''[In the realm of Abysus]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Humiliated... De-powered... All but destroyed. Hardly the new world I set out to build, is it? :'''Biowulf:''' Master, a spy has made contact. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well? :'''Providence Spy:''' Everything is in place. :'''Van Kleiss:''' And the boy? :'''Providence Spy:''' He's here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[to his loyal followers]'' Soon our greatest enemy will be buried! Providence itself will be destroyed. And we'll have Rex to thank. :'''Rex:''' Come on! Who's gonna know? :'''Noah:''' Yeah. It would only be for a minute or two. :'''Calan:''' You actually want me to let you fly the keep? :''[Calan sighs]'' :'''Calan:''' Only until the next course change. And nothing fancy. :'''Rex:''' All right, let's see what this baby can really do! Why, it wasn't me! Seriously! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Providence Spies:''' Aah! :'''White Knight:''' Calan, what's your status? :'''Calan:''' Came from out of nowhere. We're being boarded. Scramble all jump jets. Mobilize for a counter-offensive. :'''White Knight:''' This is a coordinated attack. Every major Providence outpost around the globe has been hit. :'''Six:''' So far they've steered clear of headquarters. I'm on route to the keep now. :'''Rex:''' Are they really that stupid? Attacking the keep with me on board? This should only take a minute. :'''Noah:''' Wait up! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find Rex. It goes without saying "alive" would be ideal. Take the ship. :'''Providence Spy:''' Some kind of power surge. We're losing control of the helm! :'''Calan:''' Find out where it's coming from. Doc, if you'll excuse me-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six? :'''Six:''' Five minutes out. Prepare for an evac. I'm getting you off the ship. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Again with the Smack Hands? You always open with that move. Change it up a little! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Bobo:''' You see what you get? That's what happens when you interrupt my nap-- Bobo gets cranky! :'''Rex:''' I learned that the hard way, too. :'''Calan:''' All hands-- We've got intruders on deck four, five, and six. Get'em off our ship! :'''Rex:''' Go! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Attention, Providence. The ship is ours. :'''Rex:''' Ugh! Not even close, Van Kleiss! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Lay down your weapons, and your lives will be spared. Continue to resist and nothing survives. :'''Rex:''' You've made I made some lame-o moves before, Van Kleiss, but this one-- classic. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Seems you may have run out of tricks. Oh, you had to know it would only be a matter of time. I've had a fair amount of time on my hands these days. ''[Restrains Rex with his gauntlet]'' :'''Rex:''' Aaaaah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You took something very precious from me, Rex, and now I'll be returning the favor. :'''Rex:''' If you want my monkey, you can forget it. :''[Van Kleiss starts draining nanites from Rex, causing him to squirm and scream in pain.]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It might come as a surprise that when you stole the nanites that gave my power, you left some of your behind-- Enough to tell me a few of what makes you tick. :''[Rex tries to summon a build, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ungh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'll find that using your powers will be something of a challenge. The nanites that you so special belong to me now. :'''Biowulf:''' What shall I do with him, master? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I have everything I need from him. I could care less. Secure the rest of the ship. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on! Do you really think throwing me out that hatch is the best way to get rid of me? Wouldn't it be more fun to throw me in a cage, tie me down in front of a laser? :'''Biowulf:''' No! :'''Rex:''' Aaaaaaaah! Wh-o-o-o-o-oa! :'''Noah:''' What is he doing? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This is no time to fool around, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Happened to notice that ground coming up on his, doc? If you don't do something fast, I'm about to become part of it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, are you okay? :'''Rex:''' I think we may have a problem. :'''White Knight:''' What do you mean "they have the keep"?! Blow it up! :'''Six:''' We tried. The remote-destruct sequence has been disabled. Van Kleiss has complete control of it. :'''White Knight:''' Give me some good news. :'''Six:''' We know where it's heading. Here. :'''Biowulf:''' This is the commanding officer. We found him attempting to destroy this ship. :'''Calan:''' What's your game, Van Kleiss? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, a very good question-- One that depends entirely on what happens next, Captain. It seems my powers have made a slight... change. :'''Rex:''' Well? They're gone, aren't they? Van Kleiss took all my active nanites. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. I found this. Definitely a nanite, but it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Molecular scans seems to indicate it's some kind of control-nanite. :'''Rex:''' But with nothing to control. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With a large enough concentration of nanites, we might be able to jump-start it. But even with that, there's no guarantee it would replicate or even give you back the same abilities. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I hate to say it, but this one has me stumped. :'''Rex:''' Great. Loving this. :'''White Knight:''' If you're finished with the lost cause, we've got a bigger problem. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, how is this possible? :'''Van Kleiss:''' It would seem Rex's nanites have an opposite effect on me. He cured EVOs. Now I create them. Full ahead-- Ramming speed! Once we're through, we'll destroy Providence from the inside out. :'''White Knight:''' Lock it down! I want hallways cleared and critical sections defended. They will not take this base. :'''Rex:''' Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go stop them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you're in no condition to fight. :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you expect me to do-- Hide? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Whatever it takes. That nanite inside you might be able to bring you back, but it's going to take me time to figure out how. And that's not something we have a lot of right now. :'''Rex:''' Wow. Nice outfit. :'''Noah:''' Got one for you, too. You get to armor up like the rest of us normals. :'''Rex:''' Come on. :'''Bobo:''' All right, where to? :'''Rex:''' South Pacific. :'''Bobo:''' That's my boy. And here I thought you'd try to pull some hero stunt. Oh, brother. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want the White Knight. Find where he's hiding and bring him to me. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That should be everything, as long as the offsite backup holds. :'''Six:''' Don't let it get to that. :'''Noah:''' This is a strange place for a base. :'''Rex:''' When I have too many nanites in me, this is where I go to offload. :'''Bobo:''' Think of it as a nanite porta-potty. :'''Noah:''' Thanks... For that image, Bobo. So, we just put some of these nanites in you, and we're good to go? :'''Rex:''' No. They're inactive. Or at least stripped of their programming. Since I can't control them, I just have to hope that whatever this thing is inside me can't. :'''Noah:''' So... What happens if it can't? :'''Bobo:''' Let me put it this way-- The last guy who went swimmin' in that soup ended up a 50-foot freak show. :'''White Knight:''' Listen to me carrefully, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'd rather not. :'''White Knight:''' Where are they? :'''Six:''' The inner perimeter has been compromised. They're coming. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Skalamander roars]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Open it. :'''Rex:''' Okay. Bobo, set the thing to "vent" and go. If this doesn't work, I don't want you getting caught in the blast. :'''Bobo:''' No. :'''Noah:''' Forget it. Rex, at least think about his for a sec. What if it wipes your memory? What it turns you into some evil monster? :'''Rex:''' My friends need me. There's nothing more to think about. Bobo, do it. :'''Bobo:''' Long odds, pay big. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Six:''' You've overstayed your welcome. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, here's someone who would make a nice addition to our EVO ranks. :'''Six:''' Go ahead and try. Ugh! :''[Six groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Trying to do my job for me, Six? Here's a thought-- When your top henchman can't even get rid of someone by throwing him out of a moving plane, time to rethink the help. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You are determined-- I'll give you that. If it's what you prefer, I'll finish you myself. :'''Rex:''' Maybe. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Cool! :'''Bobo:''' See? I told you it would work. :'''Six:''' This is an unexpected surprise. :'''Rex:''' Well, by now, you should expect the unexpected from me, Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Bobo:''' Not anymore. :'''Noah:''' You think there might be more of them? :'''Bobo:''' Eh... Probably. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Aaaaaaah! :'''White Knight:''' I use that electromagnet to trap stray nanites. You're lucky it's on the lowest setting. Any higher, and it would rip the nanites right out of your body. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Then why don't you? :'''White Knight:''' Because then I wouldn't be able to do this. :'''Skalamander:''' No one can help you. You're all alone now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. We still have my sister. :''[Skalamander grunting]'' :''[Rex and Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Aaaaah! :'''Rex:''' No way! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :'''Rex:''' Once again, epic fail. I'll take my nanites back now. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Noah:''' Rex, wait! :'''Bobo:''' Van Kleiss left behind a few presents. :'''Rex:''' No time to look everywhere. I'm shutting everything down. :'''Noah:''' You can do that? :'''Rex:''' Don't know. Never tried. Anything else? No? :'''Calan:''' Whew! I never want to do that again. No, sir. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Amazing. :'''Rex:''' Why, thank you. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I was talking about the nanites. That was a risky move, Rex, but it worked. As far as I can tell, you're back to your old self. :'''Rex:''' I don't know. Something feels different. That new build-- I think I can do even more. It's like I can see the blueprints. I just need to figure out how to put it all together. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight in person. Never thought I'd see the day. :'''White Knight:''' Well, don't get used to it. We found all the explosives. The base and the keep will need extensive repairs. This was not our finest hour. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? We kicked butt! So what if Van Kleiss is back and more powerful than ever? So am I! If he wants a nanite war, let him bring it! :''[White Knight laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' It's good to have your back, Rex. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You know, I think he actually means it. :'''Rex:''' Sure he does. So, tell me something, guys-- What's next? ==Season Two (2011)== ===Rampage=== <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I'll give you the recap. Thanks to these microscopic machines called nanites, I can build cool gear out of my body. I'm what's called an EVO. But most evo's aren't lucky like me. They usually look like this. ''[laughing]'' I know what you're thinking. And they smell bad, too. There's one other thing I can do that makes me even more special. Some EVOs, I can cure. That's why I work for Providence. We're the people you call when an evo is tearing up your lawn or attacking a city. And the worst of them is this guy... Van Kleiss. The last time we fought, things got a little out of hand. I'll admit it... we pretty much got our tails handed to us. He steals the key, wrecks headquarters, hijacks my nanite to get back the powers I took away from him. And now he can actually make people into EVOs. Then, to top it off, he has his dog boy Biowulf throw me, overboard at 6,000 feet. Not that anyone's keeping score. Sure, Van Kleiss may be back, but so am I. So what if he can make EVOs? I can still cure them. He may have new powers, but guess what... I do, too. Ever since my powers came back, I've got the ability to make amazing new machines. Now I just have to figure out how to build more. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' If you're trying to check up on me, Six, the answer's still a big fat... ''[imitates buzzer]'' I can't figure out how to make this new build. :'''Six:''' It might take some time, but you'll get it. :'''Rex:''' And meanwhile, Van Kleiss is out there doing who knows what. I wish they'd hurry up and get the H.Q. Rebuilt. You're not still living out of your jump jet like some ninja hobo, are you? :'''Six:''' My temporary accommodations are perfectly adequate. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Still living in the jet. ''[Groans]'' I hate being kicked out of our house. Although, as long as they're building stuff, I need a hot tub. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "I was wondering when you and your hair would show up again, Van Kleiss." :'''Van Kleiss:''' Back to your old self again, I see. And how are those new abilities developing?" :'''Rex:''' Just fine. Thanks for asking." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Don't you have anything better to do with your life then come after me all the time?" :'''Van Kleiss:''' "Funny you should ask." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Doc? How are those biometrics looking now? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Give it a try. :'''Rex:''' Ah, yeah! It's about time! Machines work. I just hope the important part does. :'''Noah:''' What just happened? :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? :'''Noah:''' It all kind of hazy. I mostly remember the feeling of... Fun. And I remember you punching me in the face. :'''Rex:''' Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to eat me. Come on. We've got a rat to catch. Why so happy? Is this the part where breach shows up and rescues you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, no. This is the part where she takes your inadequately guarded fuel core. :'''Six:''' Six to post, what's your status? Six to post. :'''Rex:''' Another decoy? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I should share some of the credit with your friend over here. He played the part to perfection. :'''Noah:''' Gee, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, this would be the part where Breach shows up. :'''Noah:''' I can't believe I did all this. Sounds like I had the time of my life. :'''Rex:''' ''[laughing]'' It almost became your life. Sorry about that. :'''Noah:''' Are you kidding? Just knowing I was a rampaging evo is cool. I wish I could have remembered at least some of it. :'''Rex:''' It's probably all over the news if you want a replay... At least until you stepped on the news van. :'''Noah:''' Well... ''[Exhales sharply]'' Guess it's back to quadratic equations. :'''Rex:''' I have no idea what those are. I've got somewhere I need to be. See you later. I know. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't care if it's a construction zone. I'm moving back. :'''Six:''' It's all right. Turns out you're not the only one who feels that way. You'll get used to the cold showers. Food, you're on your own. From the top? :'''Rex:''' From the top. :'''Six:''' What were you trying to build, anyway? :'''Rex:''' A water jet. Oh, by the way, I need a new cellphone. :'''Six:''' Yes? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' It's after my glasses again. :'''Six:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' This time I am serious. Now, when are you going to send someone out here? :'''Six:''' Ma'am, I'm... :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' Do you even work for Providence? :'''Six:''' Yes, I work for Providence. :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' What kind of a flimflam outfit is this? :'''Six:''' How did you get this number? ===Wasteland=== ===Tough Love=== ===The Lost Weekend=== :'''Kenwyn:''' What did you to Skwydd? :'''Mouse:''' Just shedding a light light on how dangerous his kind can be. :'''Rex:''' By juicing his powers? What were you thinking? :'''Mouse:''' Most inorganic material explodes when given that kind of molecular jolt, but not not nanites. They convert the energy into power that amplifies an E.V.O.'s abilities to tremendously uncontrollable levels. ===Star-Crossed=== ===Alliance=== :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' And he brought his Pack flunkies. Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach. Circe? Gotta hurry. Their headed straight for... someplace else. Gonna find out where. <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex why aren't you fixing that shield regulator? :'''Rex:''' Hint. You may remember him from such schemes as destroying Providence headquarters, and trying to take over the entire Earth. :'''Holiday:''' Van Kliess, in there? You're right. You should investigate after you fix the shield. :'''Rex:''' Then it might be too late. :'''Holiday:''' She's there, isn't she? :'''Rex:''' Who? Breach? Yeah, but... :'''Holiday:''' A quick recon and that's it. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Intriguing. An entire urban branch of EVO. development. :'''Biowulf:''' This place is a waste of our time. :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss knows what he's doing. It's not your place to question. :'''Biowulf:''' Question?! You dare accuse me of disloyalty?! :'''Circe:''' Sorry. Get a grip! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You're right, you know. We should be down there with him. What is he up to anyway? :'''Biowulf:''' I do not know. :'''Circe:''' You don't know? I thought he trusted you with everything. :'''Biowulf:''' Of course he does! He just-- :'''Rex:''' Hey! Easy on the stealth suit, which apparently, isn't so stealthy. <hr width80%> :'''NoFace:''' Invaders have come before. They brought only pain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' It is a pain we both share. The same Providence outsides attacked my lands, destroyed my army. :'''NoFace:''' There was one who tormented us, humiliated us. The grower of machines. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ah, Rex. Another thorn we share. My proposal is simple: You control a formidable legion. I, in turn, can provide the escape and the vengeance you seek. I can be your liberator. You can be my general. Together we will crush our enemies, starting with the one you hate most. Now are we-- :'''Biowulf:''' Master, I have a report. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[irritated]'' This is a private conversation. Can't you handle the sightest detail without bothering me? :'''Biowulf:''' Of course, Master. It was nothing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Here comes the moment when our brave hero sweeps the girl of her feet! Literally! :'''Biowulf:''' Don't let him. :'''Circe:''' Hey! Let-- :'''Rex:''' ''[flies off with Circe in his arms]''' See you around, henchie! :'''Biowulf:''' ''[to Skalamander]'' Follow them. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Down, now! :'''Rex:''' Not till we hear each other out! :'''Circe:''' Sure! I'll go first. :''[Breaks the Bogie Pack with a hypersonic burst, causing them to fall]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, great. Way to go, Circe. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' Our hero pursues the girl of his dreams, heedless of her attempts to break his heart... along with the rest of him. Circe, just one minute, okay? Look-No powers! :'''Circe:''' One minute! But if this is about leaving the Pack-- :'''Rex:''' Please. I'm way past that. There are bigger things going here than who you hang out with. :'''Circe:''' Fifty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I wasn't sent here to spy on you. I'm here to stop these things from ever getting out. :'''Circe:''' Forty! Why are you telling me this? You know who I am! :'''Rex:''' You've seen the things that live here. Whatever deal you think Van Kleiss is making, it's going to turn out bad for everyone. :'''Circe:''' Thirty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I do know who you are, Circe. Just for once think for yourself. Maybe your perfect leader could actually be wrong, maybe even a bit crazy, nuts, certifiably insane! : '''Circe:''' Shut up! Twenty! Talk about blinded. Did you ever wonder why Van Kleiss is so interested in you? :'''Rex:''' Oh, I don't know. Maybe he wants me dead? :'''Circe:''' Not anymore. Something has changed, Rex. Ever since you got your powers back, I hear him talking. Saying you have something that's the key to everything. For whatever reason, he needs you alive. I know it, Rex. He'd never let you be killed. :'''Rex:''' Never, huh? :'''Circe:''' Time's up! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Now this looks like a party. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rex, you never cease to amaze me. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' Defiler! Give him to us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now do you believe I can deliver what I say? Will yoh agree to my leadership? :'''No-Face:''' We agree to it! Give him to us! Now! Now! Now! :'''Circe:''' ''[very shocked]''' Van Kleiss, I didn't bring Rex here so that you could-- He'll kill him! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Never forget how I found you, Circe. What you were... before. He's yours. :''[Tears well up in Circe's eyes; thoroughly horrified that her master would calmly allow Rex's life to be put at risk]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[weakly]''' Is this what you wanted? :''[Collapses from his inquiries, causing Circe to open her eyes]'' :'''Circe''' ''[tearful, pleading]'': Stop this! Please! You need him alive! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Alive, yes. Heart pumping, lungs breathing, but his mind? The less there's left of that, the better. Circe, I warn you: Lift so much as a finger to help him, and you're finished! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You, Biowulf, even me. We're all just means to an end for him. He doesn't really care for any of us. :'''Rex:''' So you finally figured that out. Better late than never, I guess. :'''Circe:''' It's not too late! Not if I have anything to say about it! :''[Extends her fleshly and grotesque EVOs mouth]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! Whoa! There are some of us who might not like the sound of whatever you're about to do! :'''Circe:''' I'll adjust the frequency to exclude friendly EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Does that include me? :'''Circe:''' For now. :''[Uses her melodious, hypnotic singing to call back the EVOs escaping]'' :'''Rex:''' I thought you said you could filter it. :'''Circe:''' It's not an exact science. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss. :'''Rex:''' Breach'll get him out... eventually. But right now he's in there, you're out here. You don't have a better opportunity to consider your options. :''[Notice the two of them holding hands and let go, blushing]'' :'''Bobo:''' What is it stealing from our own people that's so dang satisfying? :'''Circe:''' You forget to remove the tracker. I'm not going to Providence. :'''Rex:''' Doesn't matter where you go. All that matters is that you want to go there. That said. I hear Hong Kong's nice this time of year. ===Robo Bobo=== ===Divide By Six=== :'''One''': ''[Speaking through Rex]'' Six. :'''Six''': One? :'''One''': You left this place, quit life as a mercenary and so rarely returned to visit. :'''Six''': I did what I felt was right, I never meant to dishonor. :'''One''': So rarely, that I never had time to tell you how proud you've made me. :'''Six''': ''[Takes off his glasses for the first time in the series]'' We're going to help you. We're going to take you home. :'''One''': But Six, I am home. ''[Rex falls unconscious while One's body starts changing. Eventually his body dissolves and fertilizes the entire island to its former splendor]'' : '''Six:''' He's still One. He's just one with everything. ===Mixed Signals=== : '''Rex:''' Whoa, big guy! Someone needs to ease off on the cheeseburgers. : '''Six:''' Skip the insults. Start the containment. : '''Rex:''' Like its feelings are going to get hurt. One bad and ugly going down. What? : '''Six:''' Rex? Rex! : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Six:''' You want to explain this? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. It's like some weird vision of this thing filled my head, then built itself out of me. Maybe the vision came from Blobbo. Maybe it's trying to talk to me. Come on, big boy. Send me some more pictures. What's on your mind? : '''Six:''' Groceries. That's what's on its mind. : '''Rex:''' I'm skipping. I'm over it. That vision must have been a fluke. : '''Six:''' All right, then. We're going with a two-prong attack. Use caution. This kind of EVO might be a splitter. Rex! Snap out of it! : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Ha! I wasn't supposed to do that, right? : '''Six:''' Rex, I want you back at HQ. : '''Rex:''' But I feel okay now. And we've got, um-- Two blobs to put down. : '''Six:''' Now! : '''Holiday:''' No trace of any recent electrochemical or DNA abnormalities. Everything reads normal. : '''Rex:''' But it's like the visions were being transmitted, and I was seeing it from a nanite point of view. : '''Holiday:''' I can't track it, Rex. There's no sign of signal displacement or a nano disturbance. Maybe we should consider the possibility that this is psychological. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Pizza. : '''Holiday:''' I think he's having another vision. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Of lunch? : '''Rex:''' With pineapple and salmon. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Blech! He is nuts. : '''Holiday:''' Aside from a strange choice in pizza toppings, all readings are normal. I can't explain it. : '''Rex:''' Well, if my nanites are trying to get me to build something, maybe we should give them what they want. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Whatever it is, I'm not eating it. Is that my electric toothbrush? : '''Rex:''' It better not be the one I've been using. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Oh. : '''Rex:''' This is what I'm seeing in my head. As stupid as it looks. It's like someone or something is sending me instructions to build some big device. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Or build a pizza with pineapple and salmon. : '''Rex:''' Okay. I'm not sure about that vision. : '''Holiday:''' Is that my hairdryer? : '''Rex:''' I just need to figure out what it does. Maybe it's a time machine. Or-- Or alien technology! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Maybe it's just a big pile of junk. Or a way to order a really awful pizza. : '''Contraption Voice:''' Target acquired. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Wake up! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Provindece Soldier #1:''' Hey, where do you think you're going? We've got a security breach. Front floor. : '''Providence Soldier #2:''' Lockdown protocols enabled. All hands report to duty station. Security speed, take position. : '''Rex:''' Sorry, guys. I might be a little... late. : '''Caesar:''' Case compression. Release. : '''Rex:''' Figures I'd build a machine with a serious attitude problem. : '''Caesar:''' ''[taking off his helmet and turns to Rex]'' Rex, is that you? : '''Rex:''' Who’s asking? : '''Caesar:''' It’s me, Caesar, your brother! Mijo! ''[Hugs Rex]'' You're alive and... older. ''[Rex is dumbfounded]'' Uh. Atomic clock was right... ''[spanish accent]'' Es una problema grande. : '''Rex:''' Uh, yeah. ''[Pushes Caesar]'' It is a big problem. : '''Caesar:''' What is this place? Who are you people? ''[to Rex]'' I'm getting you out of here! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Sorry, amigo. Put your hands up. Or don't. I got a clear shot either way. : '''Caesar:''' ''[is looking at Bobo]'' A talking chimp? : '''Bobo Haha:''' Don't bother. I've heard all the jokes. : '''Caesar:''' Have they hurt you? Are you okay? Stand aside. : '''Rex:''' Hello? Do I get a say in this? : '''Holiday:''' If you're part of some elaborate plan to kidnap Rex, then you failed. : '''Caesar:''' Listen, bonita, you don't wanna make me use this. : '''Rex:''' ''[gets in between them]'' Enough! Normally around here when someone barges in talking crazy, they get around into the deck plates by my giant fists. But you seem legit. I'm going with him. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Okay, brother. Lead the way. So if you are my brother, where have you been all this time? : '''Caesar:''' I'll explain later when we're safe. : '''Rex:''' Uh, this is Providence. We are safe. Usually. : '''Caesar:''' Providence? Never heard of it. To be honest, the last five years has been a bit of a blur. : '''Rex:''' I want to believe you, but I'm gonna need some proof. : '''Caesar:''' Your name is Rex Salazar. Our parents are Violetta and Raphael. The last time I saw you was at the Applied Nanite Research Lab in Abysus; right before those fools triggered a replication cycle. : '''Rex:''' And I have total amnesia so, for all I know, that could be completely bogus. : '''Caesar:''' There's a scar on the back of your left knee you got when you were seven, riding the gantry arm in the reactor annex. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. I always wondered how I got that. :''[they go out and Rex notices Caesar Salazar's pod laboratory]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. Nice wheels. : '''Six:''' ''[Comes out and unsheathed his swords]'' Don't even think about it. : ''[Caesar is about to attack but Rex stops him]'' : '''Rex:''' It's okay. Six isn't going to hurt you. Right, Six? You're comming in a little late on this, but, uh, this is Caesar, my brother, and he wants to get me out of here. So, let's just let my brother have his way and see where this all goes. Wherever you plan on going, they're going to follow us. You know that, right? : '''Caesar:''' They can try. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. Providence ship are pretty fast. : '''Six:''' Track Rex's bio signature and find out who that guy really is. : '''Rex:''' You ain't kidding. This thing moves fast. A-are we in the arctic? : '''Caesar:''' How do you think I got to your location so quickly once the locator signaled me? : '''Rex:''' Locator? You sent me the schematics to build that thing? It tried to crush me like a bug! : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, mijo. I wasn't really trying to hurt. ''[scans Rex's body]'' I was looking for what's hiding inside of you. ''[showing Rex the result]'' The Omega One Nanite. : '''Rex:''' That thing? Holiday discovered it before. We had no idea what it was. : '''Caesar:''' I sent signal instructions for the Omega One to track and contain. But since the nanite has integrated into your DNA, you became the conduit for building the machine. What I don't get is how the Omega One got inside of you. Rylander was supposed to have that under lock and key. : '''Rex:''' Rylander? He's the one who put it inside me. : '''Caesar:''' Why would he do a thing like that? I'm really gonna have to let old fool have it when I see him. : '''Rex:''' Not possible-- Courtesy of Van Kleiss. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss?! What does that third-rate lab hack have to do with this? : '''Rex:''' What? I guess I’m not the only one who needs an update. Where have you been? : '''Caesar:''' It's a long story-- actually, short by my clock. A splinter group had formed at the lab. They had other ideas about how the nanites would be used. We tried to stop them, and you were hurt. The only way to save your life was an infusion of nanites. It was risky, but it worked. We thought that'd be enough to stop the others, make them see the right path. But we were wrong. Mom and Dad were in the reactor. As for me, I managed to escape in my lab. But the shock wave, the same shock wave that probably blanked your memory.... also interfered with engine that powers this pod. I was stuck in sub-light drive. : '''Rex:''' How long? : '''Caesar:''' Fifteen minutes. That's how long it took me to reboot the system. But at the speed I was going, it was 5 years of your time. I knew there was an accident, but I had no idea how bad. My nanite sensors were off the charts. My 1st priority was to insure the OM-1 was safe. That was our promise. And here we are. So, what have I missed these past five years? : '''Rex:''' Providence? We need to talk. They can wait. : '''Caesar:''' So let me understand, there are EVOs and Van Kleiss claimed as their leader? : '''Rex:''' Well, not for all of them, yet. I want to know about me, about our parents. : '''Caesar:''' They were scientists. We lived all over the world. Things settled down when you came along. That was in Geneva. : '''Rex:''' Wait a second. Are you saying I'm Swiss? : ''Caesar:'' Not really. Mother was born in Mexico City. Father in Buenos Aires. : '''Rex:''' And they're really... gone? ''[Caesar slowly nods sadly]'' : '''Rex:''' Um, where exactly did this ship take us? : '''Caesar:''' What do you know?We're back at the original lab site. : '''Rex:''' You mean the one in Abysus? : '''Caesar:''' Is that a problem? : '''Rex:''' I'd say just a small one. We should go, like now. : '''Caesar:''' ''[typing]'' Hmm... Must be low on charge. ''[walks out the door]'' We may be stuck, but on the bright side, I can take a look at some of these variegated organisms. ''[goes out]'' : '''Rex:''' Caesar! Wait! : ''[outside and observing the EVOs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating. We theorized mutations might occur but never anything this random. : ''[Rex hits the EVO before they got near Caesar]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Sorry, bro, but these guys-- : ''[Rex hits another EVO]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Usually don't sit still for questions. : '''Caesar:''' ''[seeing Rex's new build]'' Hmm... That's new. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Guess I've learned a-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' A few tricks. But they still won't be enough if Van Kleiss shows up with all his goons. Six! : '''Six:'''We're locked onto you. The keep is already on its way. : '''Rex:''' Your ship may be out of juice, but I'm not. Hop on. I can get us out of here. : '''Caesar:''' I won't leave my lab, and you definitely don't want Van Kleiss getting his hands on some of the things in here. I'll try to reroute the capacitors to an alternate power source. : '''Caesar:''' Oh, you wanna see a photo of you, me, and papi? Maybe later. : '''Rex:''' You're a little off, aren't you, Caesar? : '''Biowulf:''' What was that machine it flew off with? : '''Van Kleiss:''' A laboratory. One I thought I'd never see again. It seems an old friend has returned-Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Providence isn't so bad now, eh, hermano? : '''Caesar:''' Is this a Grinnell? They always made good consoles, except for the random power surges. : '''Six:''' Well? : '''Rex:''' Everything's cool. He's a little kooky, but I'm pretty sure he's my brother. : '''Six:''' Glad to hear it. Now I need you back. We still have some unfinished business. : '''Rex:''' Got to get back to work. : '''Caesar:''' My little brother, the hero. I remember when you just wanted to be a musician. : '''Rex:''' Guitar? No, wait drums. : '''Caesar:''' Accordion. : '''Rex:''' You got to be kidding me! : '''Six:''' As I recall, you started it. : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Six:''' The EVO is dividing faster than we can contain it. The city is being evacuated. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Excuse me, admiral. I need you to take me down there immediately. Afraid I'll have to insist. : '''Six:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Are you crazy?! : '''Caesar:''' Depends on who you ask. I had something in my lab that I thought could help. : '''Six:''' Help? You're not even supposed to be outside the keep. : '''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Way to go, bro! First day on the job, and you already got a save! : '''Six:''' Job? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on, admit it, Six. He just saved our chicharrones. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? What's so funny? : '''Caesar:''' You always make me laugh when you try to speak Spanish. : '''Holiday:''' We've pulled his records, and I've confirmes his DNA. It seems Rex really does have a brother. : '''White Knight:''' If everything I've read about him is true, he could be an incredible asset to Providence. : '''Six:''' Or a major liability. : '''White Knight:''' All the more reason to keep him with us. Give him whatever he needs. : '''Holiday:''' White's right, Six. He knows more about nanites than anyone on the planet. He helped invent them. : '''Six:''' My point exactly. He's settling in? : '''Rex:''' I guess so. Caesar's a little strange. Hard to believe he's actually my brother. : '''Six:''' I'm happy for you, Rex. You always said you wanted to find your family. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but... You know that? I already did. Caesar may be my brother, but you, Holiday, Bobo, you're who I have a connection with. : '''Bobo:''' Aww, now, see, I'm getting all misty. : '''Caesar:''' There you are. Hmm. Nice view. Say, mijo, you think your cafeteria could whip up a pizza with pineapple and salmon? I've been craving one for days. : '''Bobo:''' Connection, huh? ===Outpost=== :'''Valentina:''' Ugh! We were returning them to their natural habitat! What Providence does is wrong and against the natural order of things! You're a traitor to your own kind. :'''Rex:''' That's creature's job is to ''exterminate'' mankind! It wanted to kill you! ===Haunted=== ===Moonlighting=== ===Without a Paddle=== ===Written in Sand=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I need an uptade. :'''Rex''': I'm right at the edge. Anything still alive in there is trying to get away from the sandstorm. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's not the storm they're running from. The nanites inside them are forcing the animals away. It's creating a kind of nanite-free zone. :'''Rex''': Ha! We should call White Knight. Maybe he'll move here and leave us all alone. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's no laughing matter, Rex. It could be the most significant development since the original nanite event. :'''Rex''': Yeah, yeah. Possible cures save the world-- Got it. I'll check it out. :'''Bobo''': Hey, doc. You may wanna get a load of this over here. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Negative. The storm is moving in too fast. Just place a sensor and pack it in. :'''Rex''': Hey. No. It couldn't be. Rex to base. We got trouble of the egomaniacal EVO kind. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Van Kleiss is here? Why am I not surprised? :'''Rex''': I think the real question is, if everything else is in such a race to get out, why is he going on? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, wait. :'''Rex''': Don't worry, doc. It's me. What could possibly happen? :'''Skalamander''': RARGH! PTUH! They're nothing but dirt. :'''Biowulf''': My senses-- Useless in all this sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': This phenomenon deserves my personal attention. What we seek is nearby. I can feel it pushing against me. :'''Rex''': ''[Rex emerges from the sand storm]'' Yeah? :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex''': ''[Rex kicks Skalamander]'' How about kicking against you, too? :'''Van Kleiss''': Rex! You're not welcome here. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Now, that hurt my feelings! :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Skalamander pins him to the sand, causing him to groan in pain]'' :''[Skalamander laughs]'' :'''Rex''': Aaah! Whoa! :'''Van Kleiss''': If I never see your face again, It will be too soon! :'''Rex''': Yeah? The feeling's-- Whoa! Mutual! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex? Rex, do you read me? :''[Bobo coughing]'' :'''Bobo''': Okay, we gotta get outta here. I got sand in places I didn't even know I had places. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, if you can hear me, we're retreating to the safe zone. Rendezvous with us there. :'''Rex''': AAAAH! WHOA-OHHHHHHH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex coughs]'' :'''Rex''': Okay, Kleiss-- Go time! No EVO allies, just you and-- Whoa! Uh, sorry, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you along for the ride. :'''Van Kleiss''': I don't need my EVO allies, when I can simply make more. :'''Rex''': Don't get me wrong-- I love punching stuff. But anything you can do, I can undo better! We can do this all day. Or you can just spill it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': Why are you causing this nanite-free zone? :'''Van Kleiss''': How convenient it must be to make me the root of all evil. I'm not causing it. I've come to discover the source and destroy it. :'''Rex''': This could be the cure to nanites. :'''Van Kleiss''': And I live off nanites. What Providence calls a cure, I call death. :'''Rex''': Really? Haven't we moved past this? :'''Van Kleiss''': Huh? :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :''[After Van Kleiss creates a scorpion EVO to attack Rex, it attacks him instead.]'' :'''Rex''': That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Hang on-- I got to get this on video. ''[Takes out cell phone and starts recording Van Kleiss dodging the scorpion EVO.]'' :''[Van Kleiss panting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Something's wrong. I should be controlling this creature. :'''Rex''': Stinks to be you. Huh? You ruined my shot! :'''Van Kleiss''': I believe we've found something more interesting. :'''Rex''': You like to point out the obvious, don't you? :'''Bobo''': Don't get me wrong-- I love the kid, but if we don't pull stakes now, we'll be combing dust outta all sorts of places for years. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Too late. Hold on to everything that's not tied down. This is going to be a bumpy... ride. :'''Six''': Holiday? I trust you're all right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': I'm fine, Six. But Rex is still out there-- With Van Kleiss. I can't reach him. :'''Six''': We'll prep a rescue party. Prepare to come aboard. :'''Rex''': Hey! :'''Van Kleiss''': This is not simply a nanite-free zone. Something is stealing the nanites from our bodies. If we linger here too long, we may both find ourselves defenseless against the other. :'''Rex''': Well, then, we'd better blow this joint. And when I say "we" I mean "me". :''[Rex tries to escape and fails]'' :'''Rex''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': If either of us is to escape this place, we will have to work together. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': What exactly are you suggesting? :'''Van Kleiss''': A temporary truce. :'''Rex''': An extremely temporary truce. :'''Van Kleiss''': We'll work our way to the center of the nanite storm. :'''Rex''': No, we work our way out of the nanite storm and get Providence in here to figure out what's happening. :'''Van Kleiss''': Providence? They can't be trusted. :'''Rex''': Them? Didn't you try to take over New York? And Europe? And the world? :'''Van Kleiss''': You need to listen to me, Rex. Without a powers, you're nothing but a child. :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah? Truce over! Okay. This is awkward. Hey, is it just me, or are you getting really dust? :'''Van Kleiss''': It's happening faster than I thought. :'''Rex''': What's happening faster? If you know something, you'd better spit it out, or-- Whoa! It all looks fossilized. Like it's made completely out of... sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': Not only are there no nanites here, this is pure silicone. There are no other elements-- No carbon, calcium, hydrogen. It appears that this zone not only destroys nanites, but is-- :'''Rex''': Squeezing the life from the Earth. This isn't sand. This is me! :''[Rex whimpering]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': These glyphs-- There's something familiar about them. Sumatran? Mesopotamian? :'''Rex''': Less geeking, more escaping! :'''Van Kleiss''': We need to find the epicenter of this maze. These glyphs may hold the answer. :'''Rex''': Only if one says "exit sign." :'''Van Kleiss''': No need to panic, Rex. We have at least twenty minutes before fossilization-- Give or take. :'''Rex''': "Don't panic"-- Says the guy who used to be dirt. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex''': We're turning into walking litter boxes, and you're checking out caveman graffiti? No wonder I'm always kicking your butt. :'''Van Kleiss''': You don't have an investigative bone in your body, do you? So strongheaded-- Just like your mother. ''[Rex is silent]'' No, you don't like that, do you-- That I know more about you than you do? :'''Rex''': Skip the head games. Isn't exactly a good time. :'''Van Kleiss''': No, but perhaps it is time for some truth. We may perish down here, Rex. Ask me anything you want about the past, and I'll answer it. :'''Rex''': ''[looks at his own slowly fossilizing body]'' Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. :''[walks away]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, so the great and powerful Providence has finally come through on their promise to help you remember your past. :'''Rex''': Something better-- Someone who was actually there at the Nanite Event. :'''Van Kleiss''': Aha. Your brother, Caesar. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': I've been following you both very closely since his... miraculous reappearance. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, this one's for free. Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': ''[creates his BFS and holds it at Van Kleiss' throat]'' What are you getting at? :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, no, no. That's not how this works. It isn't my turn. Quid pro quo, Rex. If you want to know more-- Why don't we start with something simple? Rylander's Omega Nanite. I know it's inside you. :'''White Knight''': Status uptade? :'''Six''': Still no fix on Rex. Scanners can't cut through the storm, so we're moving in to stage a recon. :'''White Knight''': I will not risk everyone on board that ship for one agent. Not even that agent. :''[Holiday subtly ends the call. Then to Six]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Whoops. Guess the satellite feed went down. Nasty sand. :''[Six smirks]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Caesar? Wanted you to know we haven’t found him yet. :'''Caesar''': Found who? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. :'''Caesar''': Right. Ah. Sorry. That was, uh, fifteen minutes ago. I've done about five hundred task since then. Try calibrating the keep's sensors to search for traces of Selenium. It's something Rex naturally gives off, like dandruff. :'''Dr. Holiday''': I-- Really? Hmm. Okay, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss''': So what you're saying is, the motor runs off of gravity and the only exhausts are atoms of selenium. :'''Rex''': Now you. Squid Pro... Whatever. The nanites, the Event. What started all this? :'''Van Kleiss''': He didn't tell you? I'm not surprised. It was Caesar. :''[Rex pushes Van Kleiss to nearest wall and take out his BFS once again]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Wasteful, Rex. :'''Rex''': You're lying! :'''Van Kleiss''': Hardly. Your brother is responsible for the most significant catastrophe in human history. You have to admit that as brilliant as Caesar is, he's... not quite right. Am I telling you something that you haven't already noticed? :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': HAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss coughing]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': You seem to have awoken some sort of defense mechanism. :'''Rex''': What are they defending? Rocks? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Before we're totally devoid of nanites, we need to end this now-- Together. :'''Rex''': Back to back! :'''Van Kleiss''': What? :'''Rex''': Haven't you ever read a comic book? Back to back! No way. These markings-- They're not hieroglyphics. They're circuit boards. This whole cave, this valley-- It's one giant circuit board. These are data conduits-- Ms. Hubs! :'''Van Kleiss''': You're right. These spirals are solid-state storage-- The standard design for a firewall in a CPU. :'''Rex''': Did you just say I'm right? Now that I know what we're dealing with, it's a simple matter of-- Hacking in. This is malo-- Muy malo. Van Kleiss, meet the psycho computer who calls herself-- :'''Van Kleiss''': Zag-RS? :'''Rex''': How do you know that? ''[Zag-RS notices them and attacks them]'' You know Zag-RS? How? :'''Van Kleiss''': She was designed as a decontamination program at the original nanite laboratory. Her task was to destroy any rogue nanites that escaped from the holding tanks. :'''Rex''': She did a great job. Whoever designed her should be taken out and beaten with a tendril. :'''Van Kleiss''': Caesar designed her. :'''Rex''': I'm gonna have to have a chat with my brother when this is over. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Focus, you fool. If we're to survive this, we have to use whatever nanites we have left to shut her down. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': No problemo! Ah, come on! Stay up! Show off! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Well, this bites. :''[Rex straining]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Didn't I leave you in orbit? Shouldn't you have burned up in re-entry or something? :'''Zag-RS''': Re-entry resulted in a hard desert landing. This unit faced complete system failure. Salvation came from integration with the host space station power cell, where new initiatives were established. :'''Rex''': Turning the world into a sandbox? :'''Zag-RS''': Correct. The prevention of organic infection by elimination of organic matter and securing the Earth core system. Soon, this world will function without flaw. :'''Rex''': Van Kleiss! Change of plan! While, I've got Zaggy occupied, you go and warn Providence before it's too late! :'''Van Kleiss''': There's no time. Her strength is growing exponentially. To achieve victory, you must trust me. :'''Rex''': Trust you?! That's comedy gold! Even if I was that big of a doof, neither one of us had enough power to fight back! :'''Van Kleiss''': That's not entirely true. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Van Kleiss''': I've not been completely honest with you. :'''Rex''': Stunned-- Really. :'''Van Kleiss''': The Omega Nanite within you has a self-replicating program. You can create your own nanites. :'''Rex''': What?! Why didn't you tell me! :'''Van Kleiss''': A calculated emission. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': No way. :'''Van Kleiss''': There-- That is the heart of Zag-RS. Strike while you can! :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah! Now we're talking! Normally, I don't fight girls, but this time I'll make... A big... giant... robot exception! :'''Dr. Holiday''': I found him, Six-- twenty kilometers northeast. There's a huge spike in trace selenium. :'''Six''': Charge all weapons. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The storm's starting to break. But please don't crash. :'''Rex''': YAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': That's not fair! It worked in the movie! :''[Rex whimpers]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :'''Rex''': AAAH! :'''Zag-RS''': You have miscalculated, human. The more nanites you replicate, the more energy you supply me. 7.5 seconds until I overtake your production. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Zag-RS''': 4.3 seconds. :'''Van Kleiss''': AAAAAAAAAH! :'''Rex''': YAAAAAAH! One psycho robot down, one supervillain to chicken! Finally! :'''Bobo''': What, you never heard the term "fashionably late"? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Your nanite-replicating function seems to be working well. Most of Zag-RS' alterations have been expunged. :'''Rex''': Meaning... What? :'''Bobo''': You ain't gonna wash away at high tide. :'''Caesar''': This is my design. :'''Rex''': Great-- My brother created Zag-RS. :'''Caesar''': Evidently. Though her evolution into some sort of sentient nanite-slayer is most curious. :'''Six''': Curious? :'''Rex''': What about what Van Kleiss said? :'''Caesar''': You mean I'm to blame for the original nanite event? Why don't we ask her? Wait! Interface protocols. Code designate Zag-RS. Respond. :'''Zag-RS''': Dr. Salazar. Good morning. How may I assist you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Stand down, gentlemen. Zag-RS has been successfully rebooted. But her memory has been wiped clean. :'''Rex''': What? You got to be kidding me! :'''Caesar''': That's interesting. Hmm. Van Kleiss must have implemented a program dump before he left you. It's the only logical conclusion. :'''Rex''': Program dump? :'''Van Kleiss''': Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': Great. So now all we've got is a lame decontamination program with a GPS lady's voice? :'''Caesar''': GPS lady? Hardly. :'''Rex:''' I was making a joke. :'''Caesar''': Don't you recognize it? When I programmed her, I wanted a voice that meant safety, protection, caring. Rex, this is our mother's voice. :'''Rex''': ''[shocked]'' Mama? ===Night Falls=== : '''Rex:''' If she's not really our grandmother, why are you calling her ''aubuela''? : '''Caesar:''' There may not be a biological connection but she practically ran the entire town. When you were a boy, you spent every summer here. : '''Rex:''' I wish I could remember...or any of this. ===Hard Target=== : '''Rex:''' "It's Breach! She's-" : '''Circe:''' "Messing with you, Rex. Did you actually see on her the other side?" : '''Rex:''' "Well, no but...OK, why Hong Kong?" : '''Circe:''' "Because it's on the other side of the world, because she's seriously messed up." : '''Cricket:'''" Kind of like our place." : '''Circe:''' "Trust me. She's back in Abysus laughing it off with the rest of the Pack. Besides, I'm not that easy to find." : (''Removes the white towel to reveal her shoulder-length black hair partly dyed a deep plum and having donned a dark gray overall dress'') : '''Rex:''' "OK, Rex. Bad intro. Take a do-over. Like the new look." : '''Circe:''' "Wow. A compliment." <hr width80%> :'''Skywdd:''' "And that's when Circe goes all [[w:Siren (mythology)|siren]] and blasts the bus driver's pants clean off." :'''Circe:''' "Lucky shot. Hit the exact frequency of polyester." :'''Tuck:''' "Good thing his boxers were cotton." :'''Rex''' (''uncomfortable'')''':''' "Good one. Uh, Circe, remember when you took down that sea monster in Cabo Luna?" :'''Circe:''' "Please, Rex, I'd rather not remember that right now." :'''Skywdd:''' Geez, Rex. Buzzkill." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Stop it." :'''Skywdd:''' "What's with him?" :'''Circe:''' "Breach lag. Let clean over his bedtime." :'''Rex:''' "That and my early morning snooze. By the way, you were right. Breach wasn't after you. She freed Quarry. Got this from the Providence security feed." :'''Skywdd:''' "Quarry?" :'''Tuck:''' "He's lose?" :'''Cricket:''' "Oh no." :'''Circe:''' "You saw Breach and came back ''here!'' What if she followed you!?" :'''Rex:''' "Don't worry. If Breach were here, I'd feel it. She's here." <hr width80%> : '''Breach:''' "Hey, girlfriend." : '''Circe:''' "Get out of here, Breach!" : '''Breach:''' "But Van Kleiss has so been wanting to chat." : '''Circe:''' "Then deliver a message for him! " : (''Uses her ultrasonic bursts on Breach, who creates a portal behind her, knocking her out with her own sonic abilities)'' : '''Rex:''' "Let her go, Breach!!" : '''Breach:''' "Oh, sorry, Rex. She's gonna save my skin. V.K.'s tough on failure, remember?" : (''Teleports away with an unconscious Circe on her shoulder'') : '''Rex:''' "NO!!" <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Hold that thought. You can come out now. I got that creeped out feeling." :'''Breach:''' "Peek a boo." : '''Skwydd:''' "It's her!'' She took Circe." : '''Rex:''' But not to Van Kleiss. You never went to Abysus, did you? You slipped her into your little pocket dimension. Let her go, Breach! : '''Breach:''' And I agree to that...why? : '''Rex:''' "Because you wouldn't want Van Kleiss to see this. I'm thinking a trade is in order." : (''Breach releases Circe, who is caught by Skwydd'') : '''Circe:''' "I hate you, Breach." ===A Family Holiday=== :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The pace of study has been staggeringly slow. There have been no significant advancements in nanite research since the original event. Simply put, Providence is not doing enough. What is required is not a military response, but a serious, thoughtful reaction, a scientific answer. The poor and afflicted deserve more. The world, deserves more. Let me introduce Diane. Mother of three. Diane has been diagnosed as incurable, a lost cause. Since then, she's been treated like an animal, locked away from her family... No hope on the horizon. Until now. At Moses Labs, we don't rely on tanks, guns, or secret weapons-- Only an unwavering belief that whatever science breaks, science can fix. Welcome back, Diane. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Happy birthday, little sister. :'''Rex:''' Hope that I paid the bills. This is going to be expensive. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Release the hounds. :''[a door opens revealing some Evo hounds]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Heh! I thought that was just a figure of speech. You're a sick puppy. :'''Rex:''' Aah! Not cool, bro! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[Spanish accent]'' Agua, por favor. :'''Caesar:''' Water second, probes first. :'''Rex:''' No offense, but being a guinea pig is a lot less fun when it's you instead of Holiday. :'''Caesar:''' Don't I run the biometric tests with the same efficiency? :'''Rex:''' How are we related? Have you looked at Holiday? :'''Bobo Haha:''' She ain't my species and even I know she's a hottie. :'''Caesar:''' She is... very smart. :'''Rex:''' Where is the Doc anyway? She usually can't wait to get her hands on me. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Saw her this morning, looking pretty grim. :'''Agent Six:''' It's her sister. Her sister's birthday to be precise. Holiday gets introspective this time of year. :'''Caesar:''' Her sister? Oh, is she smart too? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hey guys. Can't talk. Hangar! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Ah, human dames. I don't know how you guys keep up. :''[Dr. Holiday pants]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Thank you for coming, Dr. Moses. It's a genuine honor. :'''Rex:''' Who the heck is that guy? Why is Holiday acting all fangirl around him? :'''Caesar:''' It's Dr. Brandon Moses, the leading researcher in technogenic transmorphing! If anyone's going to develop a kill for EVOs, it's going to be him! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Now, that's actin' fan-girl. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Not the worst I've seen. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you help her? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Beverly would be an excellent candidate for my treatments. Have her transported to my facility. :'''Rex:''' Hold up! I know you have a bunch of letters after your name, but curing EVOs is what I do. Some of them-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Some you just can't handle, Rex. Dr. Moses' research goes to places you don't, so if you don't mind-- 10 minutes, then we'll be in the air. Thank you, doctor. I've earned 5 years' worth of personal time, Knight. I plan to use it all. :'''White Knight:''' I don't like it, but I like your sister even less. Go for your "cure", Holiday. But if it doesn't work, don't bring her back. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Agent Six:''' What do you really know about Dr. Moses? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what I saw. :'''Agent Six:''' You're not taking her to the doctor for a checkup. Has he handed you supporting data? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why won't you let me have this? It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Rex got here. :'''Agent Six''': I think you've lost your objectivity. If you can't help her-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's the point! I can't! I need this cure. If you won't help me, stay out of my way! :'''Rex:''' Any chance she's right? :'''Agent Six:''' Hope she is. :'''Rex:''' But we're not going to sit around and do nothing in case she's wrong, right? Today you're my sidekick-- Not a fashion-challenged soccer mom blocking my mojo. If there's any chance of playing hero for Holiday, I call dibs. :'''Security guard:''' Dr. Moses' inventions are not for public viewing-- Especially not by Providence. :''[Security guard grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' That "soccer mom" comment really got to you, huh? When did science geeks start packing heat? Huh? :'''Agent Six:''' Check the machine. :'''Rex:''' I'm no engineer, but as far as I can tell, all this thing does is light up and go "ping". They never cured it! This was a scam! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday's in trouble. Holiday, Moses is a fraud. There is no cure! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What's going on here? Moses, what is this? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Business, Dr. Holiday-- Big business. Now, if you wouldn't mind stepping aside so I can collect your sister-- :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday?! What's happening?! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Or don't step aside. I'm good either way. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! We've got our coordinates. Go! :'''Rex:''' It's a hundred miles away! :'''Agent Six:''' Correct. :'''Rex:''' Hold on to your swords, old man! :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]:'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I trusted you! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' A bad trait, a scientist. But look on the bright side-- You won't be locked in a cell anymore. That was just... Shameful. :'''Rex:''' Be the hero. Be the hero. Be the-- :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ...Zero. You'll be a lot less grouchy in a few seconds, pal. Half cured? That's new. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They've got Beverly. :'''Rex:''' You wanna talk to her? :'''Agent Six:''' Now's not the time. :'''Rex:''' And when exactly is. She needs a friend, Six. :'''Agent Six:''' I... prefer to keep it professional. Keeps people from getting hurt. :'''Rex:''' Dude. Take off the sunglasses. She's already hurting. If I were you-- :''[Six gets a radio signal]'' :'''Agent Six:''' If you were me, you'd have a lead. Get Holiday. Dust off in 3. :'''Rex:''' Where are we going? :'''Agent Six:''' Moses may be a genius but not because he can cure EVOs. He overpowers them-- Hypercharges the nanites with excess energy to push their transformations. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's why Rex only partially cured that EVO he stripped the EVO of its extra power. But at its core, it was still incurable. :'''Rex:''' We learned something new today. Great. :'''Agent Six:''' Gets worse. Moses has turned his tech into a cottage industry. He takes incurables and weaponizes them to sell to the highest bidder. :'''Rex:''' Don't sugarcoat it, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you find this out? :'''Agent Six:''' I called some former associates-- People who know things, things that good people shouldn't know about. :'''White Knight:''' Question-- Why is my keep on an unapproved mission? :'''Rex:''' It's cool, Knight. We're helping Holiday. :'''White Knight:''' No! We had a deal! Return to base immediately! :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's over guys. I can't drag you down because of my mistake. I won't. :'''Agent Six:''' Keep returning to base. :''[Knight ends the transmission]'' :'''Agent Six:''' I said the keep is returning to base. I didn't say we'd be on the keep. :'''Rex:''' You okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hanging in there. :'''Rex:''' Hanging in there is good. I don't like to see you unhappy, you know. I-I mean-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what you mean. Thanks. :'''Agent Six:''' Better luck next time. :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Jealous much, sidekick? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Who is that? :'''Rex:''' Someone who knows things good people shouldn't. :'''Five:''' Machine boy! Like the new ax? You owe me for the last one. :'''Agent Six:''' We'll talk music later, Five. You have word on Moses? :'''Five:''' Five don't lie. Your guy is running an auction-- Tonight. :'''Agent Six:''' I owe you. :'''Five:''' She's a lot more beautiful than you let on, Six. Try not to screw it up this time. :'''Agent Six:''' You coming? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The EVO is the military ordinance of the future. We all know it. You drop one of these babies into your neighbor's backyard, and it's game over. But to get the most annihilation out of your nanites... you need me. :'''Human EVO:''' You promised to cure! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' My technology not only amps up their abilities, but, for an extra charge, will modify their behavior to suit your needs. What am I bid for this army of one? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Bursting in]'' I'll open with extradition for crimes against humanity! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to his bidders]'' Wait! This is just a minor disturbance. :''[Moses groans]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to Holiday]'' Do you know what you just cost me, all for one hopless wreck?! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday hits Moses]'' Her name is Beverly. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Then give sissy a hug. :'''Dr Holiday:''' No! Don't hurt her, Rex! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, sure. Handle with care. Whoa! Can you tell her that, too? :'''Agent Six:''' Going nowhere? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Uh, let's not be ''[chuckling]'' rash. :''[Holiday slaps Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I'm gonna have to get you a dictionary. Rash will not help anyone, especially not Beverly. :''[Holiday grabs Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Who can still be cured. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday drops Moses]'' What? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Brandishing his swords]'' No games. Truth or dead. :'''Rex:''' Fight still going! Need assistance! Big time! Whoa! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I did invent a machine that de-powered nanites, almost. But the bonds and nanite particles were too strong to break. Instead, I discovered that I could reverse the polarity to its maximum, overpowering the nanites. It's easier and-- Profitable. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' But you did isolate the bonds? So, you can break them! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Ugh! Unh! Okay, I called hero, but I need some extra kick for my sidekick! Unh! Seriously! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Time to earn a return on my investments! Kill them all! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! :'''White Knight:''' I won't even bother telling you the trouble you're in. Catch those other EVOs and report to my office the moment you're back. :'''Rex:''' What other EVO-O-O-O-Os? :''[Rex turns around and notices the EVOs behind him]'' :'''Rex:''' Ooos? :'''Rex:''' Think they got it? :'''Agent Six:''' They'd better. We're busy. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Okay. That's the flux transponder. That's the nanite energizer. Don't you explode on me-- Not now. Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'll hand the one crazed sister. You take the other. It'll be like a double date. Don't bother... your sister... while she's working! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I can see what he did, but... uh... there's no time! I can't-- I can't help her! It's over. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday-- Rebecca-- You are the strongest, smartest woman I have ever met, and the most stubborn. :''[Six removes his glasses and looks her in the eyes]'' :'''Agent Six:''' You never give up. If there's a way to help your sister, find it-- now! :''[Slight pause. Holiday smiles and puts Six's glasses back on his face then leaves]'' :'''Agent Six:''' That's my girl. New plan. Corral her to the machine. :'''Rex:''' Plans are good! Yah! What you got, Doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Moses was right. The polarity of the nanite energizer is wrong! I have to amplify and reverse it. But I don't have-- Six... Your magna blades-- But it would be too dangerous. Six! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six! :'''Agent Six:''' Is it working? :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's working. :'''Rex:''' Six, get out of there! :'''Agent Six:''' You called hero on this one, Rex! Finish it-- For her! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Get them out, Rex-- Both of them-- Now! :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Doc! You gotta see this! :''[Dr. Holiday panting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[as she's trying to revive Six]'' Don't you do this to me! I will hate you forever if you-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :''[Six coughs]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rebecca? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Beverly! :'''Rex:''' That was... I'm... Wow! Six, I've never said it before and I'll probably never say it again, but... I'm honored to be your partner. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Mushy stuff? Oh! Glad I missed it. :'''Rex:''' But don't ever do anything like that again. :'''Agent Six:''' Agreed. But you have to admit though... It was worth it. :''[Dr. Holiday and Beverly laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' We're not running a boarding house here. No more relatives. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need her for a few more tests, sir. She was only 13 when she went Evo, and she's in a fragile state. :'''Beverly:''' Woo Hoo! :''[Beverly laughing]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rex just took me on a ride through the Zoo on his cycle. :'''White Knight:''' "Fragile." Right. :'''Rex:''' We're going to the mall. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you asking permission? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm asking if we can have some money. Providence pays me nada. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can I have a word with you? :'''Agent Six:''' Sure this is a good idea? Could ruin your hero status with Holiday. :'''Rex:''' It's funny. After meeting Bev, out of nowhere, it hit me that Doc Holiday is just a little too old for me. So, since I'm out of the way, I guess there's nothing stopping you anymore, huh, "hero"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Well... right. I guess... I'll set up those tests. :''[Holiday starts to walk past Six. Six takes a hold of her hand]'' :'''Agent Six:''' Or... we could get some dinner. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Outside? In the real world? Like real people? Like a-- :'''Agent Six:''' Yes. Like a date. :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's about time. ===Hong Kong Nights=== ===Whispers in the Dark=== ===Cutting It Close=== ===Exposed=== :'''White Knight''': All Providence personnel, this is a priority-one alert. :'''Agent Six''': Do not panic. Remember your training. :'''White Knight''': In all my years of working at Providence, never have I been put in such a situation. These interlopes could be anywhere at any given moment. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, what's all the-- Whoa! Sorry. We're late. :'''Bobo Haha''': You can't prove a thing! :'''White Knight''': Watch what you say. Watch what you do. The very future of Providence may depend upon it. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, what's going on? Van Kleiss attack in the HQ again? :'''Agent Six''': Worse. :'''Diane Farrah:''' I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. And to find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Rex Salazar''': Aah. :'''Diane Farrah''': All your questions are about to be answered. Welcome to Providence Exposed! ''[Camera closes-up on her face]'' On Ultimate Exposure! And cut. Great into, guys. Okay, moving on. :'''Rex Salazar''': This is cool. :'''Agent Six''': This is wrong. :'''Rex Salazar''': How's my hair? :'''Bobo Haha''': Delicious. :'''White Knight''': Ladies and gentlemen, the delightful Miss Farrah and her crew have used the Freedom of Information Act to force. :''[White Knight clears his throat]'' :'''White Knight''': To allow them access to a day in the life of Providence. And to ensure you are afforded the very best Providence has to offer, I'm assigning our top man as your personal guide. :''[Rex moves towards the news team]'' :'''White Knight''': Six, please show Miss Farrah whatever she wants to see. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. On behalf of Providence, I'd like to welcome you to our facility. :'''Diane Farrah''': Spare me the small talk. I'm here to ask the tough questions, and I expect truthful answers. :'''Agent Six''': Shoot. :'''Diane Farrah''': So.. is there a Mrs. Six? :''[Combs her hair]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Smooth. :'''Rex Salazar''': Like you'd have done better. :'''Bobo Haha''': Are you kidding? They want exposed. I'm going to give that reporter a piece of my mind and a few other pieces while I'm at it. I got stories that'll make them run screaming for the hills. :''[Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''Agent Six''': If you'll follow me, I'll be happy to show you one of our nanite research labs up close and personal. EVO control is our primary area of concentration, but Providence is focused on a great many studies. Each employing the best and the brightest our planet has to offer. :'''Rex Salazar''': Thanks, Six. You know, this is my brother's lab. He's only like the smartest guy in the entire world. Yeah, being the best at what we do totally runs in our family. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time. :'''Agent Six''': That experiment is highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, how did you become a Providence agent? :'''Agent Six''': That's also highly sensitive. :'''Rex Salazar''': Amazing story though about how I became a Providence agent. See, there was this big accident. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Good morning. My name is Dr. Rebecca Holiday, And I'm the chief research officer for the Providence Laboratory Facilities - specializing in the study of evology. Providence's number one priority is the security of our planet. And through the studying and understanding the forces that threaten us-- :'''Diane Farrah''': Let's cut to the chase, shall we, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, um, okay. :'''Diane Farrah''': How do you balance the threat of EVOs, the constant danger... with being a woman? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Uh. :''[Dr. Holiday laughs nervously]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, excuse me. :'''Rex Salazar''': Speaking of studying, check this out. You can edit that, right? :'''Diane Farrah''': We're all about the editing. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, maybe you could show these journalists some of your other duties, like what you're supposed to be doing right now, for instance. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, man. That's right. Come on. You're going to love this. :'''Diane Farrah''': EVOs come from far and wide for a chance to be cured by this young man. How often do you do this? :'''Rex Salazar''': At least once a week here at HQ. When I'm in other parts of the county or the world, Providence sets up a mobile cure station. There are a lot of people out there who need my help. I only wish I could get to them all. Wait. Um, let my try again. ''[after Rex can't cure an EVO]'' Shut it off. :'''Diane Farrah''': But this is really good drama, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I asked to be on TV. They didn't. Please give these people their privacy. :'''Bobo Haha''': Come on, buddy. Everybody has an off day. :'''Rex Salazar''': In front of millions of viewers? So much for everyone's favorite Providence man of mystery. :'''Bobo Haha''': Well, they're just lucky they haven't had the camera on me yet. Oh man, talk about Ultimate Exposure. When I get through with them-- :'''Rex Salazar''': I just wish I could look cool on camera somehow. :'''Bobo Haha''': Phbt! Good luck. The only way that's going to happen now is if some experimental EVOs busted out of their cages and went on a rampage so you could round them up and look like a hero. :'''Diane Farrah''': Providence isn't known for being forthcoming with information. I hope this interview will change that. The people want answers and I fully expect them from you. :'''White Knight''': Very well. What do you want to know? :'''Diane Farrah''': For starters, how do you get fresh milk without any nanites in it? :'''White Knight''': If you must know, it's passed through a powerful magnet that removes and neutralizes any nanite activity. :'''Agent Six''': Observe. :''[White Knight smacks lips]'' :'''White Knight''': Anything else? :'''Diane Farrah''': Not at the moment, but I'll be back. :'''White Knight''': I look forward to it. :''[White Knight sips]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, what do you think about White Knight's obsession with staying nanite-free at the expense of human contact? :'''Agent Six''': He's a man of many mysteries. :'''Rex Salazar''': Look out! Coming through! Dangerous escaped EVOs on the loose! Stand back! Let a professional handle this! :'''Diane Farrah''': Follow him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yeah, I'm kind of awesome. :'''Bobo Haha''': Did you get them all? :'''Rex Salazar''': How many did you release? :'''Bobo Haha''': I don't know, three or four. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, which was it? Three or four? :''[Rex Salazar gasps]'' :'''Agent Six''': Well then. Now that Rex's little demonstration is over, how about a visit to the Providence gift shop? On me. :'''Diane Farrah''': How long has Providence had a gift shop? :'''Agent Six''': Since 8:00 A.M. You want to tell me how a class by EVO got out of its electromagnetically-sealed container and just happened to cross paths with our tour? :'''Rex Salazar''': It's not like this kind of thing doesn't happen here all the time. I just wanted it to happen this time, in front of the camera, all right? :'''Agent Six''': Not all right. That last EVO-- You just helped it molt so it could grow. Its body is still out there somewhere, getting bigger. :'''White Knight''': Providence is run like a finely tuned machine. Until you decide to throw a monkey wrench into the works. :'''Bobo Haha''': Hey, pal, let's leave the comedy to me. :'''White Knight''': And how is it exactly that these EVOs got out? :'''Bobo Haha''': Okay, Mea Culpa. I may have accidentally knocked open a cage or two-- Or four. :'''Dr. Holiday''': That fourth cage was electromagnetically sealed. :'''Bobo Haha''': I didn't say it was easy. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The EVO we had contained in there feeds on electricity. It must be kept away from any electrical current. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then it sure is a good thing this whole place isn't full of electricity. Oh, wait. :'''White Knight''': Find it. Subdue it. And most importantly, don't let that camera crew see it. :'''Bobo Haha''': Eh, were wastin' time hunting this thing down when I could be on camera right now, giving those people a piece of my mind. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, I only saw the EVOs empty husk before. What's the real thing look like anyway? Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': That. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Any suggestions? :'''Bobo Haha''': Can you make a soccer net? :''[Rex Salazar and Bobo Haha grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Aha! Got you cornered now. There's no way out. You're overpowered. :'''Bobo Haha''': You were saying? :'''Agent Six''': You wanted to interview me. Now's your chance. Go. :'''Diane Farrah''': Um... okay. Tell me, Six-- May I call you Six?-- What is the real truth behind the nanite event that created the EVOs? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': What is your role, if any, in that event? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified, too. :'''Diane Farrah''': Are you always this talkative? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait. Let me do that again. You didn't get my good side. Which is my good side? :'''Bobo Haha''': Your backside. :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, you promised you were taking us to the heart of the operation. :'''Agent Six''': Right. The heart of the operation. This way. :'''Dr. Holiday''': [Watching from a monitor] It went right. :''[Rex goes to his right. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Camera right! :''[Rex goes to the camera's right]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': How can you miss it now? It's six feet in diameter and weighs five hundred pounds! :'''Rex Salazar''': Less criticizing, more helping! :'''Dr. Holiday''': Try to steer it in the direction of Hallway twelve. We can isolate it in the atrium. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, we've got it contained there now. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No, sorry. I was reading that backwards. Hallway twenty one. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, Hallway twenty one leads to the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, so, no big deal. That's a cold-fission reactor, not electric, right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, all electricity is converted from something-- Wind, solar, hydro-- At the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ohh. :''[Providence Agent screams]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh-hoh. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, listen carefully and do exactly as I say because we're only going to get one shot at this. :'''Diane Farrah''': One shot at what, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': The... future. Providence is the future. The future used to be the space program. Now the future is Providence and the science of EVOs. :'''Rex Salazar''': Doc? Are you still there? We have a situation. :'''Agent Six''': Just a minor downgrade of power during a routine relay check. Nothing to worry about. :'''Rex Salazar''': Guys, I could really use some advice right about now! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''White Knight''': Attention all Providence Personnel, we have a Level-One Priority... :''[Realizes the reporters are present]'' :'''White Knight''': Drill. Repeat-- This is our daily drill in the Central Core-- Now. :'''Agent Six''': Lunch bell. It's taco day. Anyone hungry? :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, while we appreciate the commemorative spoons and the tacos, I can't help but think that you've been hiding something from our viewers. :'''Agent Six''': Not at all, ma'am. Providence is an open book. :''[Rex Salazar screams]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Cut! You're ruining the shot, Rex. Just be patient. I will get to you-- I promise. :''[Rex Salazar groans]'' :'''Agent Six''': Get down. :''[Diane Farrah gasps]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': That was... what you did. :'''Agent Six''': Just doing my job, ma'am. :'''Rex Salazar''': And I'm just doing mine! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': You're not going anywhere now, buddy, except back to your-- Cage? :'''White Knight''': We hope that you and the Ultimate Exposure team are enjoying our EVO containment demonstration, Miss Farrah. All part of readiness training here at Providence. :'''Diane Farrah''': Can I quote you on that? :'''White Knight''': Miss Farah, I'm not gonna stop you from filming, but for your own safety and the safety of your crew, please step back and let my people do what they do best. Alpha Team, I need a containment of the cafeteria, cube formation. Fire! Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm on it. :'''Agent Six''': Stay here. This is the real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': Not on your life. Find an elevator. We're missing it. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Still not a good ti-i-i-i-i-me! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, big boy. No more crawl spaces. No more Hallways. Just you and me in a big, old hangar bay mano y mano. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': ''[after Rex has been repeatedly beaten back by the Evo]'' Looks like you showed him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Are you going to talk, or are you going to help? :'''Bobo Haha''': Talk. Kidding! I'm helping! I'm helping! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar sighs]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Please tell me you're getting all of this. :'''Rex Salazar''': Providence's man of mystery strikes again. Ow! It-- it bit me! :'''Diane Farrah''': Quick, grab some B-roll footage before they get rid of all the evidence. :'''Rex Salazar''': You did see that I did all the heavy lifting and Six just took out the trash, right? :'''Diane Farah''': Don't worry. The camera never lies. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yes! :'''Bobo Haha''': Good! Then get a load of this! :'''Diane Farah''': Do you have something to say? :''[Camera zooms in on Bobo]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Oh... oh. :''[Bobo mutters then passes out]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': I think we have everything we need. :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't know how you guys came off looking, but yours truly rocked hard. Just call me Providence's Man of Mystery from now on. Oh, yeah! Stardom starts in five, four, three, two-- :'''Diane Farrah''': I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. :'''Rex Salazar''': We are so dead. :'''Bobo Haha''': Nice knowing you, kid. :'''Diane Farrah''': To find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. :'''Rex Salazar''': They did it. :'''Bobo Haha''': They did. :'''Dr. Holiday''': This is a news show? What is the world coming to? :'''Diane Farrah''': Look out, ladies. Agent Six is the full package -- brains, brawn, and-- :'''Agent Six''': Highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': Just what is he hiding behind those alluring, dark glasses of his? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the Providence agent you women wanted to get to know. :'''Agent Six''': Up close and personal. :'''Diane Farrah''': That's right, girls. :'''Agent Six''': He's The real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': And he's known throughout Providence as-- :'''Agent Six''': The heart of the operation. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the organization's best-kept secret, the ultimate agent, and-- :'''Agent Six''': The man of many mysteries. :'''Diane Farrah''': And, yes, ladies, he is single -- or is he? :''[Dr. Holiday laughs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Excuse me. :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex and Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''White Knight''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[after the story airs]'' So, man of mystery, what's it like being a big star adored by women everywhere? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. ===Touch and Go=== ===The Siren's Lament=== * Flashbacks as to how Circe came to work for Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> ===Grounded=== ===Six Minus Six=== ===In Dreams=== ===Lions and Lambs=== <hr width80%> :''[Providence agents are standing in an industrial area, fingers on triggers. Rex flies in on jet pack and lands beside all the agents.]'' :'''Rex:''' Any sign? ''[Rex notices agents shaking in fear.]'' Alright then, who’s up for a burger, anyone? Tough crowd. :''[Six walks up.]'' :'''Six:''' These agents seem nervous. Haven’t they dealt with this situation before? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, that's kind of the problem. :''[Rex twitches, as if he is feeling Breach's presence.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Here she comes. :''[Breach appears in front of them. They fire at her. She sends their missiles and agents away with red portals.]'' :'''Six:''' How do we stop her? :'''Rex:''' ''[Smack Hands.]'' Hit hard and keep clear of anything that glows. :''[Breach has a collar around her neck like the one Van Kleiss wears, and a device on her chest like his only much larger and shackles are around her giant hands which look like Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical wrist. She opens a red portal. A giant jellyfish-like thing flies out at Six, then a large creature with a horn on its nose runs out. Rex jumps at Breach, she portals out, returns and the device on her chest starts sparking.]'' :'''Rex:''' What's with the new toy, Breach? :'''Breach:''' ''[Glares]'' Wouldn’t you like to know? :''[T-Rex appears through a gold colored portal, sniffs Rex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Seriously, where do you find these things? Let's see what you started out as, big guy. ''[Tries to cure.] Six? This... this isn't an EVO!'' It's an actual T-Rex! ...Six? :''[Rex runs from T-Rex.]'' :'''Breach:''' Have fun. ''[Leaves through red portal.]'' :''[Rex hides behind light pole, T-Rex pulls pole from ground, Rex falls to the ground.]'' :'''Six:''' I take it this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time? :'''Rex:''' Try never? This is all kinds of wrong. :''[Rex makes BFS, runs at T-Rex; Six runs at T-Rex, jumps on and stabs it in back.]'' :'''Holiday:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Six:''' You mean about to be extinct? :'''Holiday:''' If you destroy the scientific find of a lifetime, it won’t be the only thing. :'''Rex:''' It's trying to eat us. :'''Six:''' You heard the lady. Take it down soft. :'''Rex:''' Easy for you to say. :''[Rex lies on the ground holding the jaws open with Smack Hands and it slobbers on him.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Video of T-Rex in confinement field. The T-Rex turns to dust.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Breach is powerful enough as it is, and now you're telling me she can travel through time? :'''Holiday:''' However she's doing it, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. That dinosaur reverted to its actual age about less than two hours after arrival. :'''Caesar:''' Photo and deep scan analysis reveals some very interesting technology at work here. Van Kleiss has really stepped up his game. :'''White Knight:''' Skip the fan talk. How do we stop it? :'''Caesar:''' Until I get my hands on the device, I'm not certain we can. :'''White Knight:''' We have to bring her to our side. :'''Rex:''' The only way she's coming here is if she does it willingly. :'''White Knight:''' How do you propose we persuade her? :'''Rex:''' With me. ''[Six and Holiday stare at him skeptically.]'' I can be very convincing. Okay, okay. I think she might still have a thing for me. :'''Bobo:''' Atta boy, work it on the crazy chick. :'''White Knight:''' I don't care how we do it as long as we get results. Providence is under the microscope. It is the worst time for Van Kleiss to gain the upper hand. Get to it. Bring her in. :''[Six and Holiday walking out of the room together down the hall.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[To Holiday.]'' I need a word. Something's wrong with White. :'''Holiday:''' Oh. That. He’s always like this, Six. :'''Six:''' No. This is different. I know when something is bothering him. The secret meetings, the anxiety. He’s up to something. :'''Holiday:''' I'll see what I can find out. :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Rex on hoverboard, in Providence stealth suit.]'' :'''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Works pretty good. After all, I built it. ''[Loses control of board for a moment.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Van Kleiss's castle, Rex hiding by entrance.]'' :'''Rex:''' Going in. ''[Pulls up stealth mask, disappears partly, runs past guard.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Breach is hooked up to a large machine. Van Kleiss stands before her with a huge bank of controls and displays, spooky dark lighting. She screams.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is unacceptable, Breach. I need you to concentrate. :'''Breach:''' It hurts. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Think of what I'm trying to achieve here. I cannot fail. :''[Breach screams in agony and collapses.]'' :''[Rex looks down horrified, Van Kleiss grins, Breach screams and falls down.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll return when it recharges and we'll start again. :''[Rex holds his hand out to her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why do you let him do this to you? :'''Breach:''' Glory. :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss's glory. Is he even noticing how you're tearing yourself apart for him? Have you ever heard him say thank you? What do you say we blow this joint, you and me? He's hurting you. :'''Breach:''' It's not real. It can't hurt you if it isn't real. :'''Rex:''' Breach, look at me. It is. I'm real, all of this is real. You don't have to live this way. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why am I not surprised. Rex has come to rescue another of my lost sheep. Perhaps he'll try to save you next, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' That depends. Is he housebroken yet? :'''Biowulf:''' I am no traitor. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You’ve no doubt seen our little experiment. Breach shows great promise. She just needs a little fine tuning. :'''Rex:''' Then what? Go back in time and be king of the cavemen? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why not? It wouldn’t be much of a step down, now would it? Breach, if you would, remove our guest so we can continue. Practice makes perfect, or in your case, acceptable. :''[Breach makes a red portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach! Think about what you're doing. :''[Van Kleiss grins, she runs and puts her arms around Rex, portals out with Rex.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find her. Now. :''[Mountains, snow, Rex shivering.]'' :'''Rex:''' I'm glad you got us out of there, but where... are we? :'''Breach:''' When the snow is gone you can see forever. :'''Rex:''' That's nice. Can we go now? :'''Breach:''' I need to know if I can trust you. :'''Rex:''' You can trust me. I swear. :''[Breach grabs his hand and hugs him. He opens his eyes. They are standing on a shiny endless reflective surface, reflecting stars.]'' :'''Rex:''' This is different. :'''Breach:''' Do you see it? :'''Rex:''' Um-- :'''Breach:''' This is where the stillness comes from. :'''Rex:''' You. Are weird. So what exactly does this mean? Are you coming with me or is this some kind of test? :'''Breach:''' I need you to see it. :'''Rex:''' Ah... A test. :'''Breach:''' Do you wanna understand? :'''Rex:''' Not exactly sure. ''[She glares, he waves his hands in front of him.]'' Yes, I mean yes. I mean-- :'''Breach:''' Follow me. ''[Walks through red portal.]'' :''[Another place. A door, a doll, a bear and a fire hydrant float in space.]'' :''[Rex hanging upside down, she is holding him by his ankle above a swirling pink vortex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! What happened? I thought we were getting along fine! :'''Breach:''' Why are you here? :'''Rex:''' Good question. Where exactly is here? Can we go somewhere else now, somewhere like, on Earth? :''[She drops him. He screams and lands on the floor between some stacks of books.]'' :'''Rex:''' You sure know how to pick'em. What kind of tripped out dimension is this? ''[Librarian walks by and shushes him.]'' Oh. College. :'''White Knight:''' ''[On communicator in Rex's right ear.]'' Rex, report. Where on earth have you been? :'''Rex:''' Apparently every place but. :'''White Knight:''' I need to know you can handle this otherwise we're going to try a different approach. :'''Rex:''' You need to chill out, White. I’m making progress. ''[Rex puts his hand to his left ear.]'' Dr. Holiday, are you there? :'''Holiday:''' Tracking shows you’re with Breach. Are you okay? :'''Rex:''' Fine? Creeped out but fine. I can't bring Breach back to Providence, White would just lock her up and that won't help. :'''Holiday:''' Where will you take her? :'''Rex:''' I'll think of something. Just keep White Knight off my case. :''[Breach appears behind him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why don't you let me pick out where we go next? :''[Scene change.]'' :''[White Knight hands folded moving nervously.]'' :'''White Knight:''' He says he's making progress. :'''Black Knight:''' The committee is losing confidence. They want results, not excuses. :'''White Knight:''' Then that's exactly what they’ll get. :''[Scene change. Rex sits across from Breach in a booth at a bowling alley.]'' :'''Rex:''' Soooo, don't like bowling, huh? I figured with the extra arms you'd be a natural. :'''Breach:''' I'm not supposed to like you, but I do. :'''Rex:''' ''[smiles]'' We're teenagers. At least assuming you are. Doing what we are not supposed to is part of the job. French fry? :''[She takes it and then drops it.]'' :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? From before you... changed? :'''Breach:''' I remember everything. And nothing. :'''Rex:''' Naturally. Why did I even bother to ask. Listen, Breach. I'm not going to pretend I understand you, ''[Puts his hand on her giant hand]'' but I can help. If you let me. :''[The machine starts to glow, they jump to their feet, other people look startled.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. :'''Breach:''' I can't, I can't stop it. :'''Rex:''' Let me try. ''[He tries and it knocks him onto the floor sparking.]'' :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss has control. They're coming. :''[Van Kleiss busts through the door with The Pack following. Raises bio-mechanical hand, palm of it glows, device on Breach's chest turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Okay, do your thing. Get us out of here. Anywhere. :''[she tries]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You can't take what doesn't belong to you. :'''Rex:''' I didn't take you for the jealous type. ''[Rex shoots bowling balls at Van Kleiss with his cannon, hits Biowulf and Skalamander in the face and Van Kleiss punches the balls aside with his bio-mechanical hand.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach, let's go! :''[Breach rides off with Rex on hoverboard, Van Kleiss and Pack follow on three flying fish EVO's with harnesses and big teeth. They dodge and crash Van Kleiss into a window, and land in a park.]'' :''[Breach and Rex stand together on a footbridge looking down into the water.]'' :'''Breach:''' ''[Walks to bridge and looks at her reflection, Rex follows.]'' Will they hurt me? :'''Rex:''' Providence? Not if I can help it. :'''Breach:''' They did before. Ms. Smarty Pants—she likes to hurt me. :'''Rex:''' I'll give you my word, if you come back to Providence, I promise no one will hurt you. :'''Breach:''' We can be together forever and ever. ''[She walks off bridge, ducks swimming in water.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... something like that. What am I getting myself into? We gotta move. I bet my brother has already figured out how to turn that thing of yours off. :''[The ducks fly off, they look and see a reflection in the pond of White Knight's ship.]'' :''[White Knight walks up followed by Providence fighter planes.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh guys, what are you doing?! :'''White Knight:''' If you can't have something done right, do it yourself. :''[They shoot at Breach, she screams, Rex is horrified.]'' :'''Rex:''' No! No! No! ''[walks up bridge to White Knight]'' Do have any idea what you just did? :''[Breach's chest device turns on, she screams, Providence shoots at her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Is this what you wanted? Congratulations! ''[runs to Breach]'' Breach! Wait! :'''Breach:''' Liar! ''[Throws red portal at Rex, he dodges, second one hits him, he disappears. Providence keeps shooting, she throw portals, drops three soldiers in water.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Agent Six! :''[He jumps at her, she portals him away to behind Knight. Rex jumps from the water onto the bridge by Knight.]'' :'''Rex:''' You had no intention to bring her in, did you? :'''White Knight:''' I wanted to believe you, Rex, but this is too important. She can't be controlled. :'''Rex:''' Control... Her powers are back on. Van Kleiss. :''[Van Kleiss arrives on flying fish EVO.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Settle down, Breach. :''[Chest device turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Let me do this. I can get through to her. Come on. It couldn't get any worse than you've already made it :''[Knight and Six look at each other.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Form a perimeter around Breach. Van Kleiss isn't to touch her. :''[A rock wall rises from the ground blocking Rex as he runs towards Breach. The Pack jumps down from wall to attack Rex, Six intervenes. Agents surround Breach, she tries and fails to make red portal. Screams. Van Kleiss flies in on fish, knocks down agents with bio-mechanical whip arm, shoots needles from fingers and knocks more down, fish knocks the rest down. White Knight shoots at Van Kleiss.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' If you had any idea what I was trying to do you might even welcome it. :'''White Knight:''' Enlighten me. :''[Van Kleiss touches a tree and it turns into an EVO. EVO tree catches and holds White. Six and Biowulf fight, Rex and Skalamander fight.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Enlighten you? :''[Sticks his claws in White Knight, glowing White Knight screams.]'' All in good time, White Knight, assuming you have some left. :''[Six throws a magnablade through Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical arm and he lets go of White.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[to White Knight]'' Go. I mean it. ''[White Knight flies off.]'' :'''Six:''' The name's Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' We've met. :'''Six:''' Don't remember. ''[They fight.]'' :''[Breach on merry-go-round, turning slowly looking at the sky. :'''Rex:''' You're just using her. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Of course I am. She knows it. Spare me the chivalry, Rex. Providence would do the same. :'''Rex:''' Either way you slice it, she loses! :'''Breach:''' ''[to herself]'' My two favorites. You both lie. Neither is real. :'''Rex:''' ''[goes to her]'' Breach, I'm sorry. I meant what I said. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Words mean nothing. :'''Rex:''' Then let this do the talking. ''[Turns on her machine, puts it into her power.]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You just handed her a loaded gun. :'''Rex:''' And now it's her choice how to use it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh if only I had the chance to get through to you, Rex, to teach you how the world really works. :''[Breach steps in front of Van Kleiss, raises her arms as if to send Rex away. Makes huge yellow portal above them.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our very first time traveler. You should be honored. Now Breach, if you wouldn't mind. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :''[Rex closes his eyes. Breach sends Van Kleiss away with yellow portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' That was... unexpected. :''[Rex tries to turn machine off but fails.]'' :'''Rex:''' It won't turn off. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know. :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss made it like this so I wouldn't send him away. :'''Rex:''' That didn't work out so well did it? Six, get everyone out of here now! ''[A big yellow dome forms around the playground where Rex and Breach stand.]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what's going to happen? :''[Rex and Breach are about to be engulfed by Breach's out of control time portal]'' :'''Breach''': ''[she looks up]'' I don't know if any of this was real. But it was nice having a friend for a while. ''[Rex smiles, Breach hugs him as they dispensary in the golden time portal]'' :'''Rex:''' I didn't get blown up. ''[Sees a lizard.]'' Whoa! ''[Jumps away, startled.]'' Oh no, please don't let this be dino time. ''[Touches earpiece in left ear.]'' Rex to Providence, do you copy? :''[Takes earpiece out and looks at it.]'' Oh... Rex to Providence, you better be there. :'''Providence Agent:''' Uh... we copy, Rex. We have a lock on your coordinates and are sending a jump jet. :'''Rex:''' Is Six okay? Breach went supernova. :'''Providence Agent:''' Someone's on the way, just hold tight. Providence out. :''[Scene change, Rex lying on the ground.]'' :'''Rex:''' Took you long enough. :''[Turns over and sees Providence agents, pointing guns at him.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex is onboard. Heading back to HQ. :'''Rex:''' HQ? Ten minutes ago I was in the middle of an epic battle. You need to take me back! :'''Providence Agent:''' Um, that battle is over. :'''Rex:''' What happened? Is Six okay? Guys...what's going on? :''[They arrive at HQ.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Baby brother, you're okay! ''[Runs and hugs him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach just sent me to nowheresville. Nothing to freak out over. :'''Caesar:''' ''[To Providence agent.]'' You didn't tell him? :'''Providence Agent:''' Our orders were just to bring him back. :'''Rex:''' Tell me what? Hey, when did you... have a beard? :'''Caesar:''' There's no easy way to tell you this, hermano. Breach didn't just send you to the middle of nowhere. You've been gone for six months. :'''Rex:''' Six months?! So this is-- :'''Caesar:''' Technically, the future. I should warn you, there've been a few changes. :'''Rex:''' You didn't give away my room, did you? :'''Caesar:''' As a matter of fact, they did. :'''Rex:''' What?! Caesar, tell me what's going on here. :'''Caesar:''' It would be better if I showed you. :'''Rex:''' White Knight taking visitors now? :'''Caesar:''' I'll wait out here. :''[Rex sees Providence agents dressed in black.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice suits. :''[Goes into the office.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ah... Love what you've done with the place. White? :''[Person in chair turns around, it's a woman, not White Knight.]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Thank you, Rex. ''[She gets up and walks towards him.]'' It was a little bright for my taste. White Knight is no longer associated with this organization. :'''Rex:''' He quit? :'''Black Knight:''' He...attempted a hostile takeover and failed. Can I get you anything? Water? A snack? :'''Rex:''' I don't want a snack! Where's Six? Where's Holiday!? :'''Black Knight:''' This must upsetting to you. Change is never easy but from I understand, you've been in situations like this before. Everything's going to be fine. :'''Rex:''' Who are you?! :'''Black Knight:''' Someone very happy to have you back. Call me Black Knight. ==Season Three (2011-2013)== ===Back in Black=== : '''Rex''': Okay, I get what's going on here. : '''Black Knight''': I'm relieved to hear that, Rex. : '''Rex''': You can come out! I know you're there! : '''Black Knight''': Rex? : '''Rex''': We're friends, now, remember? Breach? : '''Black Knight''': Breach isn't here, Rex. The world's changed. As soon you accept th-- : '''Rex''': No, I'm not ignoring you. It's just that you're not real. : '''Black Knight''': I assure you I'm very real-- as is all of this. : '''Rex''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, come on. It's been a fun time in the ol' Breachscape, but, you know, time to go home now. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Seen this before. Usually ends with a black hole. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, you're disoriented. Let me-- : '''Rex''': Sorry, non-lady. No time. Got an exit to find! Shall we aprehend? : '''Black Knight''': It won't be necessary. : '''Caesar''': Rex! Have you lost it? : '''Rex''': Caesar! We're in a pocket dimension! It could collapse at any second! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar''': That's crazy, Rex. This is not a pocket dimension. : '''Rex''': You're right! It's a whole alternate universe! And-- and-- and you're my Brother's evil twin! Out of the way! Six! Six! Doc! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex''': Dr. Holiday! Doc! : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': Wha-- Well, at least some things haven't changed. Whoa! Whoa! Okay, now I-- Bleh-- know I'm in an-- Aah!-- alternate universe. Unh! You can go ahead and -- Blech!-- Eat me now, please. : '''Black Knight''': Release. : '''Rex''': You were... saying something about changes? : '''Black Knight''': There have been a few. : '''Caesar''': You've got temporal lag, Rex. It's kind of like altitude sickness, only in time. Here-- This will balance your electrolytes. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': So this is really-- : '''Black Knight''': Really. Welcome to the future, Rex-- Or, rather, to the present. Without your healing abilities, Providence has embraced a new paradigm. We've moved beyond the outmoded era of "cure, contain, or kill." : '''Rex''': And into the era of "serious leash laws". : '''Caesar''': We used the petting zoo as our test bed. What do you think? : '''Rex''': I think it needs a new name, 'cause, you know, now it really is one. : '''Caesar''': We've developed new techniques for working with EVOs. It's all about understanding them better. : '''Rex''': So, you're some sort of "EVO whisperer"? : '''Caesar''': ''[laughs]'' It's a bit more complicated than that. You sure you're okay? ''[sighs]'' It's good to have you back, brother. : '''Black Knight''': Family ties. They transcend even time itself. : '''Rex''': Caesar's not my only family. : '''Black Knight''': I'll bring you up to speed on the others. When you went M.I.A., White Knight lost his biggest weapon in the war for EVO containment. : '''Rex''': Figures that I have to vanish for him to appreciate me. : '''Black Knight''': White became erratic-- some might say paranoid. Directorate lost faith in his ability to lead. : '''Rex''': Directorate? I never knew white even had a boss. : '''Black Knight''': There are, shall we say, layers. I was named as his replacement. : '''Rex''': Let me guess-- he didn't take it well. : '''Black Knight''': You could say that. : '''Providence Agent''': White Knight! Sir! Stand down! : '''White Knight''': I'd rather go down in flames than see Providence in the hands of the enemy. : '''Providence Agent''': He's got a bomb! Fall back! All units fall ba-- : '''Rex''': Whoa! That was-- : '''Black Knight''': Your room. : '''Rex''': Huh? Aww, man! But... Six... Holiday... where-- : '''Black Knight''': Where do you think? They're out looking for you. Agent Six and Holiday took indefinite leave. They've been off the grid ever since. I've attempted to contact them, but no response. : '''Rex''': Mind if... I give them a ring? Not that I don't trust you. : '''Black Knight''': But you don't trust me. Natural, given the circumstances. Be my guest. It won't take long, to locate them. Meanwhile, there are many familiar faces who will be glad to hear you're back. Which reminds me... This is everything we salvaged from your room. : '''Rex''': Huh. Talk about starting over. : '''Black Knight''': You could you know. There's still a place for you in the-- : '''Rex''': My room. I thought you said it was trashed. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, wait. : '''Rex''': What's the matter, Black? This where you're hiding all your evil secrets? : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex''': Um... Wow! : '''Black Knight''': This entire wing was destroyed in the blast. I had the space... repurposed. : '''Rex''': White wouldn't even splurge for private stalls. : '''Black Knight''': As you see, I treat my finest people to the very finest things. : '''Rex''': Sure. I'll take one of those, please. : '''Black Knight''': It's yours-- and anything else you'd like. : '''Rex''': As long as I do whatever you want-- That it? : '''Black Knight''': On the contrary-- you're a seasoned agent. I have a few boundaries, but otherwise, handle matters as you see fit. : '''Rex''': Say I refuse. : '''Black Knight''': Then I turn you over to mel. ''[chuckling]'' I'm kidding. You're free to leave whenever you like. But I hope you'll stay. Now, more than ever, Providence needs a Rex. So, how do you feel? Like I haven't used one of those in Six months-- Which I haven't. You mind? Bobo? : '''Bobo''': Rex! Heard you were back. So great to see you, buddy. Whoa. Just a sec, there, pal. Gotta love those certain towelettes. : ''[Bobo whistling]'' : '''Bobo''': What? Never seen a monkey wash his hands before? : '''Rex''': Not this one. : ''[Bobo munching]'' : '''Rex''': You wanna tell me what's gotten into you or what? : '''Bobo''': What are you talking abou-- Unh! Hey! : '''Rex''': Sorry. For a minute, I thought you were... : '''Bobo''': Robo Bobo? Wanna check for a tv in my butt? : '''Rex''': Pass. But come on. You've, I don't know, mellowed or something. : '''Bobo''': Guess I just don't have a big need to act out these days, what with you and everyone gone. Plus, the employee benefits are pretty sweet. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, we've got a little EVO problem. Providence could use your help. Ready to get back in the game? : '''Rex''': If it involves getting out of here, that would be a "yes." You coming? : '''Bobo''': I'll join ya on the next one. I got Tai Chi at 2:00. : '''Rex''': Missing an EVO smackdown? That doesn't sound like you. : '''Bobo''': Did I mention the instructor has a thing for back hair? : '''Rex:''' Ew. Okay. That sounds like you. What is it and where do I find it? : '''Providence Agent''': We've got an EVO in the subway tunnels, people trapped in one of the trains. The power's out down there, too. : '''Rex:''' Sounds like a street worm. Sure it's just one? Rex to H.Q. Okay, new chief, how do you want to do this? : '''Black Knight:''' You're the expert. : '''Rex:''' I am? Uh, I mean, of course I am. It's just that Six usually-- : '''Black Knight:''' You don't need help, Rex. Handle it as you see fit. Black, out. : '''Rex:''' What's this strange feeling that's come upon me? Could it be... : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex''': Responsibility?! Okay. Assemble your guys over there. Be ready for me. Should the guys grab flashlight. Or... better. Not a bad pre-show. Now for the main event. : '''Providence Agent:''' How did you know? : '''Rex:''' These things usually travel in pairs. I used lights from my builds to make it think I was another worm. Have your bug net handy. They're so cute after I shut them down. : '''Rex:''' Sorry B.K. No can cure. : '''Black Knight:''' Understood. Our team will take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Um, take what where? : '''Providence Agent:''' Move into the vehicle! Move... into... the vehicle! Hit her again! : '''Rex:''' Um, what just happend? : '''Black Knight:''' That's all for now, Rex. Nicely done. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Wait. What are you gonna do with it? : '''Providence Agent:''' Standard rehab and re-lo. It's all very humane. : '''Rex:''' I'd love to see that. Mind if I tag along? : '''Black Knight:''' Sorry, Rex. Authorized personnel only. You've done your job. Now let the team theirs. : '''Rex:''' But-- : '''Black Knight:''' Boundaries, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Boundaries. Got it. Rex, out. : '''Caesar:''' Main container reached. Attach stabilizer ring. : '''Rex:''' Humane? Yeah, right. : ''[Bobo yawns]'' : '''Bobo:''' See? Great employee benefits. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Right. Hey, you got a tag sticking out in the back. Mind if I-- : '''Bobo:''' Thanks, pal. Well, off to yoga. : '''Caesar:''' You really shouldn't be here, hermano. : '''Rex:''' The petting zoo? The worm? My monkey practicing good hygiene? You're using that thing to control my friend! : '''Caesar:''' He's still the same Bobo you know and love. He just need a few boundaries. : '''Rex:''' He's not the same, and neither are you! You should hear yourself! : '''Caesar:''' Making the world safer isn't possible without some form of control. And you'd better get some control of yourself, mijo. : '''Rex:''' Or what? You'll use that thing on me? : '''Caesar:''' Open your eyes to all the good we're accomplishing. Isn't this better than smacking them with your giant fists? : '''Rex:''' That's combat! I protect people and property! Okay, property, not so much, but this? If you can't see the difference, then maybe I never knew you at all! : '''Caesar:''' It doesn't matter. I have work to do. : '''Rex:''' So do I! : ''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Uses his Smack Hands to smash everything around him]'' : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Stop! : '''Black Knight:''' Snooping around, Rex? See, that's another one of my boundaries. : '''Rex:''' White Knight may have had his issues, but he never resorted to anything like this! : '''Black Knight:''' I never planned to do this, Rex, but you've become a danger. : '''Rex''' ''[shocked]'': Caesar! Think! You can't do this! : '''Caesar:''' Of course I'm thinking. This is the logical conclusion to what we started. : '''Rex:''' The logical-- Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Raaah! Aah! : ''[Caesar blasts the mind-control laser, causing Rex to scream and groan in pain]'' : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. You'll thank me later. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You... better... believe I will! : '''Caesar:''' Please don't resist! It's only painful if you struggle! : '''Black Knight:''' What's taking so long? : '''Caesar:''' He's fighting it! His nantic energy is spiking off the scale! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Boost power. : '''Caesar:''' It's not safe to-- : '''Black Knight:''' It's for the best. : ''[Caesar increases power, causing Rex's nanites to go haywire as a tear fall down his cheek, heartbroken about his own brother betraying him]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Manages to overpower the mind-control machine, much to the surprise and wonder of Caesar and Black Knight]'' : '''Rex:''' You just drew a line in the sand, bro! ''[runs off]'' : '''Black Knight:''' You'd better have a backup. : '''Caesar:''' The prototype. Not portable, but more than enough power, even for him. : '''Black Knight:''' Get it ready. : '''Rex:''' Unh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' No mood to get slimed right now, mel! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' What happened to your EVO control? : '''Black Knight:''' A demonstration. You know what would happen without our influence. : '''Rex:''' So, you're hijacking its brain, like you tried to do with mine. : '''Black Knight:''' That won't be necessary if you'll willingly cooperate. : '''Rex:''' Translation-- if I do everything you say. : '''Black Knight:''' You've seen how we can work together. Providence still needs you. There will always be a few EVOs we can't control. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I'm one of them. : '''Black Pawns:''' Shall we pursue? : '''Black Knight:''' Most definitely. : '''Rex:''' Gangway! Coming through! Huh? No! Huh. Black Pawns. Overdoing the whole theme, don't you think? : ''[Rex groaning]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yah! I'm getting beat up by the chess club! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' We... got off on the wrong foot. Stow the hardware and come with us. You have my word you won't be harmed. We can start over-- the right way. : '''Bobo:''' You mind? You're interrupting the enjoyment of my employee benefits. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : ''[Rex panting]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Rex was tranquilized]'' Excellent work. Take him to the lab. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? No way! You're not turning my brain to mashed potatoes! Doc?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Welcome back, Rex. : '''Six:''' Good to see you, kid. : '''Rex:''' Before I blame this on a Burrito-induced nightmare, will someone please tell me-- What... Is... Going... On?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What do you think? We've been looking for you. : '''Six:''' We knew Providence might find you first. Fortunately, we planted a mole. : '''Bobo:''' Ehh. Rex! Put 'er there! : '''Rex:''' Uhh! You didn't wash! Oh! You didn't wash! But that means... that he really was... Robo Bobo? : '''Bobo:''' In the flesh. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Literally. I gave it a biological upgrade, complete with his own nanites and... fleas, ticks, lice, chigger mites. : '''Bobo:''' What can I say? I'm an ecosystem. : '''Six:''' It's enough to fool your brother's equipment. The robot is only providing limited intel. But one thing is sure-- new Providence is about more than just getting Evos off the streets. : '''Rex:''' I saw it. Whatever they're doing over there is seriously messed up. : '''Six:''' That's why we've set up our own operation. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Where did you get all of this? : '''Six:''' We have our sources. : '''Rex:''' So, we're like super secret spies now? Cool! :''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's too bad about White, though. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm gonna miss that pasty guy. : '''White Knight:''' How touching, Rex. I, on the other hand, would rather enjoyed the last six Rex-free months. Now... if we're done with the love-in, we have work to do. : '''Rex:''' It really can't get any better than this. Oh, except one thing-- can I get a TV? ===Crash and Burn=== *From this episode, Rex can create two builds at once :''[Bobo yawns]'' :'''Bobo:''' They say nothin' good happens after midnight. And, you know, they're right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm worried about you, Bobo. Since we left Providence, you've been staying out every night. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo gulps]'' :'''Bobo:''' That's not the least of your worries. Seen our boy lately? :''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex is fine. He just needs time to adjust to our new setting. Rex? It's Holiday. Are you there? :'''Rex:''' Hey, doc. What up? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Just checking in. Everything okay? :'''Rex:''' Better than okay. I'm about to set a new land-speed record' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That wasn't what I meant. How are you feeling? :'''Rex:''' Appreciate the concern, but the only thing on my mind right now is the need for speed. Apparently, I'm not alone. I'll call you back. Hey! Slow down! I want to talk to you! Ah. You want to play chicken. Doc? Bobo? I'm getting blitzed by some bikers. Aah! :'''Rand:''' Might as well give up! I won't quit! I'm a relentless, never-say-die, nonstop-- Uh, hey, wait a minute. Who are you? :'''Rex:''' Think you could have asked me that before trying to run me down? :'''Rand:''' Ooh! My fault. I thought you were one of us. :'''Rex:''' "One of us"? What is this? :'''Rand:''' Sorry, dude. No time to chat. Peace. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, like I'm gonna take that for an answer. A street race? Or a demolition derby? :''[Lance grunts]'' :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Lance:''' Gonna need a bike. :'''Rex:''' Can't believe you survive that! You must be the luckiest guy on the-- These are nanites. :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Oh, come on! :'''Six:''' Something wrong? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Prototypes. I prefer tried-and-tested. And I don't even know what we're going to do with half of this stuff. :'''Bobo:''' You're goin' soft, gettin' worked over by a bunch of goofballs on motorcycles. :'''Rex:''' They had weapons. :'''Bobo:''' Last time I checked, so did you. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but not while I'm on my bike. I'm strictly one at a time. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites that have infected his body are slowly poisoning him. I've never seen anything like it. :'''Rex:''' Do what you can, Doc? I'm gonna go out and look for those racers. :'''Bobo:''' Sounds dangerous. :'''Rex:''' Sure, Bobo. You can come, too. The nanites we found on the biker gave off a different energy signature. Gonna use one of Holiday's new toys to try to scan for it. A bunch of them. And they're moving fast. :'''Bobo:''' Then step on it! Maybe Holiday has a point about prototypes! :'''Rex:''' Or maybe they're not on the streets. I'll watch the road. You watch the screen. :'''Bobo:''' Gotta warn you-- Chimps make bad navigators! :'''Rex:''' Just do it! :'''Bobo:''' Hmm? Left! You're goin' left! Make a right! Another right! :'''Rex:''' Which way? :'''Bobo:''' I don't know! That way-ish! Wah! Like I said-- Monkeys make great navigators! This is your biker gang? :'''Rex:''' They had weapons before I'm telling you-- They're tough! :'''Bobo:''' If you say so. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Wall. :''[Bobo and Rex grunts]'' :'''Moss:''' That's some fancy ridin'. You following us, kid? :'''Rex:''' Still think they don't look tough? :'''Bobo:''' I take it back. :'''Moss:''' Who are you, kid? 'Cause whoever you are, you're not bad. :'''Rand:''' You're awesome! Where'd you learn to ride like that? Anybody with that kind of skill should be with us. Yeah! :'''Moss:''' What's your secret? :'''Rex:''' No secret. I'm just built that way. :'''Lunk:''' Is that guy from TV-- The one who fights EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Five bucks for pictures, ten bucks for autographs. :'''Rand:''' A talking monkey! Outrageous! I gotta have one. Is he for sale? :'''Bobo:''' Brother, you can't afford me. :'''Rex:''' You guys seem tight-- For guys who try to kill each other. :'''Rand:''' We're not killers. We're racers. This is a legitimate sport. :'''Moss:''' It is what it is. Our races aren't for the weak. Name's Moss. You've met Rand. :'''Rex:''' He tried to blow me up. :'''Rand:''' I missed. You're welcome. Come on, don't leave me hangin'. :'''Moss:''' Never met a celebrity who could ride. :'''Rex:''' I caught you, didn't I? :'''Moss:''' But are you tough enough try me? :'''Rex:''' Try me. :'''Bobo:''' You gotta fight back? :'''Rex:''' With what? :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. Fine, leave it to Chimpy. Aah! I'll take that. Phbt! :'''Rex:''' Something else on the map-- Moving fast! And it's big! :'''Providence Agent:''' Halt! You kids! Pull over! Now! :'''Moss:''' Cops! :'''Bobo:''' Worst than cops-- Providence. :'''Rex:''' The bikes give off a nanite signature. They must have tracked it. :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex, what are you doing here? :'''Rex:''' Research. You don't want to get caught up in this! Back off now! Sorry, guys. Have Black Knight sent me the bill. :'''Rand:''' Ha! No way! You want to beat me, you gotta step your game up. Aah! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Rand! :'''Bobo:''' Don't stop! Kid's wearing armor. He's fine. :'''Rex:''' No! Something's wrong! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' What is this thing? Doc? Get over here quick. We've got another one. :'''Biker gangs:''' WHOO-HOO-HOO! :''[Biker gangs laughs]'' :'''Biker gangs:''' Yeah! :'''Moss:''' We thought you'd bailed on us. Where were you? :'''Rex:''' Watching a doctor try to save Rand's life. :'''Moss:''' Racers get sick sometimes. It's part of the life. :'''Rex:''' Those nanite power sources-- you got to stop using them. To feel one with the road, that rush? So some people get sick. When we're on our rides, nothing else matters. :'''Rex:''' Your rides are killing you! You're gonna be dead-- All of you! And for what? So you can go a little faster? :'''Moss:''' We need those things to ride. You know what it's like. :'''Lunk:''' Please. Don't take our bikes away. :'''Rex:''' Nobody's going to take your bikes. But I need to know where you got those nanites. :'''Lunk:''' ''[sighs]'' A guy named Valve. He supplies the superchargers. :'''Moss:''' You're wasting your time. Valve never talks to anybody. :'''Rex:''' He'll talk to me. :'''Bobo:''' Been in a lot of bad biker dives, but this is the worst I've ever seen. :'''Valve:''' Enter, strangers. The biker will see you now. Please, sit. May I offer you some tea? :'''Rex:''' I'll pass. :'''Valve:''' Suit yourself. I find a good cup of tea soothing-- for the body and the soul. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Valve:''' You don't have to tell the biker why you're here. The biker can tell. You wish to buy a supercharger. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Rex:''' Your superchargers are killing people. It's gonna stop. :''[Valve breathes deeply]'' :'''Valve:''' Hmm. That sounds like a challenge. :'''Rex:''' Maybe it is. I'll race you for them. If I win, you hand over your entire stockpile. :'''Valve:''' Shh! Your answer is on the wind. :'''Rex:''' You're... not right in the head, are you? :'''Valve:''' When the wind commands, the impossible game must be gamed. The challenge is accepted. We will race for the superchargers. And when the biker wins... It won't matter. :'''Rex:''' Why is that? :'''Valve:''' Because you'll be dead. Let the race begin. :'''Moss:''' This is his own private track. He knows it better than anyone. You can still back out-- Probably. :'''Rex:''' And let people become poison, like Valve? No. I can take him. Just give me something to hit him with. You guys are walking arsenals. You don't have anything? :'''Moss:''' You didn't think we'd need 'em today. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Message from Holiday. The two sick teens have stabilized, but she's still a ways from finding a cure. :'''Rex:''' It was the only weapon I could find, okay? Can I borrow the sword? :'''Six:''' Use your own. :'''Rex:''' On wheels? It's not gonna happen. :'''Six:''' What's stopping you? :'''Rex:''' Well, for one thing, I-- Um, not sure exactly. :'''Six:''' What have I been teaching you? Focus on what you want and make it happen. No more excuses. :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :'''Valve:''' You're lucky. One the very best get a chance at this track. :'''Rex:''' Then I should fit right in. Rules of the game-- ten laps. Cross the finish line before the biker, and you may have them. :'''Rex:''' So, is the wind talking to you now? :'''Valve:''' The wind commands the Biker to destroy you. The Biker is happy to oblige. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' You gonna help him? :'''Six:''' He's doing fine. :'''Bobo:''' Are you watchin' the same race I am? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You're in trouble, Rex! No. Keep it together. Keep... it... together. Six said it-- Focus. Focus. Focus! :''[Valve laughs]'' :'''Valve:''' Oblivion. :'''Six:''' Like I sad-- He's doing fine. :'''Rex:''' Double-up! Where have you been all my life? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Cute toy. But I like mine better. :'''Valve:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Was there any doubt? :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, plenty. :''[Valve panting]'' :'''Rex:''' We had the deal. Remember? :'''Valve:''' Like the storm that changes directions on a whim, the biker is changing the deal. 'Cause the biker-- ''[grunts]'' Doesn't like! ''[grunts]'' The biker-- ''[grunts]'' never loses! ''[grunts]'' Unh! :'''Rex:''' First time for everything. Thank you, Six. :'''Six:''' It was all you, kid. :'''Moss:''' Rand! :'''Biker gangs:''' Oh, Rand! Good to see you! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Completely detoxified. In a couple days, they'll be back to full strength. Those could be useful at the new base. :'''Moss:''' You can't stop us from riding. :'''Rex:''' What's stopping you? You can still ride. You just won't be poisoned by nanites. Come on. Race you back to the garage. :''[Rex rides off]'' :'''Moss:''' ''[Chasing after Rex]'' You heard the man. Hit it! :'''Six:''' You do realize we just turned a group of reckless teenage boys loose on the city. :'''Bobo:''' All in a day's work. ===Heroes United, Part 1=== :'''Caesar:''' Now where are you? So it ''is'' you. This is most disturbing. <hr width80%> : '''Ben:''' You know the friend you care about!? Well, I have a cousin, a grandfather, a best friend that I care about!! They don't exist here! I may never see them again! I'm totally alone! So go ahead! Do your worst. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we can help each other. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I'm curious how big brother knows about something from a parallel dimension. : '''Caesar:''' Because I sent it there. In the early days of the Nanite Project, our goal was simple. Construct microscopic machines to cure diseases, grow new cells, regenerate bones. They was a control issue. Some thought a human-machine link was the answer. Others proposed that the machines control themselves. I was in latter cam. I developed the Alpha to control other nanites. To maximize its effectiveness, I had to program Alpha to think for itself. :'''Ben:''' Does a low explanation mean something bad on your Earth too? :'''Rex:''' Yep. :'''Caesar:''' Alpha developed its own consciousness. It evolved into a unique life-form. It wanted a body, but whatever it built burned out. So when Alpha attempted possessing living this, Alpha had to be eliminated. So I built a dimensional disruptor. :'''Ben:''' Looks like a Null Void gun. We got some like those back home, too. ===Heroes United, Part 2=== :'''Alpha:''' The nanites in those creatures. They are different, powerful. Your nanites are weak. I have no use for you. Where is the boy? :'''Holiday:''' His nanites are off limits!! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' My brother!? Look around! He's not here! :'''Alpha:''' The father is redundant. Now that I found you. <hr width80%> :'''Alpha:''' I cannot merge! What makes you so special, human? Yes. You shelter an Omega. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Don't let it get to Rex! If it drains his nanites-! :'''Diamondhead:''' Game over. I get it. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': My most powerful builds came from the Omega nanite. A lot of people are going to get hurt and I can't stop it. What happens when the best you can do just isn't enough? :'''Ben''': You get an Upgrade. :'''Rex:''' Weren't you listening? Alpha has the Omega. :'''Ben:''' I'm not talking about a nanite. :(''Transforms into Upgrade'') :'''Rex''': Hey, what are you- ''[Upgrade merges with Rex]'' Whoa, okay, that feels weird. ''[Upgrade covers Rex's body like a suit]'' Wow, what supposed to happen now? ''[Upgrade's head appears on Rex's left shoulder]'' Uh...don't do that, you freaking me out! :'''Upgrade''': Build something! :'''Rex''': ''[Builds a Smack Arm, which is modified by Upgrade]'' Sweet, so what's the plan? :'''Upgrade''': You build stuff, I make it better. Fight fight fight, we win! :'''Rex''': Works for me! ''[Rex builds a Boogie Pack and blasts off]'' <hr width80%> :'''Alpha''': Organics who rely on machines for their power, I don't need. The machines themselves, now those I will have. ===Phantom of the Soap Opera=== :'''Rex Salazar:''' In a world he never chose and barely understands... ''[Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene]'' One incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. ''[jumps into a lake scene]'' Forget train wrecks... ''[punches]'' And car wrecks... ''[kicks]'' Nothing brings the pain like this Rex. ''[runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.]'' :'''Actor in costume:''' Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. :'''Noah Nixon:''' Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. :'''Actor in costume:''' Ah, dude? :''[Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. :''[Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' That's a closed set. ''[Noah pulls on his hair]'' C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got this. ''[pulls girls back from stage with turbines]'' I just don't get girls, how come they get so... ''[notices something behind Noah, acts all excited]'' Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. :'''Rex Salazar:''' You mean like pages? ''[Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. ''[makes binocular with his hands]'' :'''Head Page:''' You got that right bub. ''[Rex looks behind him, and jumps away]'' By the way Page, you lose something? ''[has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope]'' Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. ''[Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls]'' :'''Head Page:''' ''[points to her left eye]'' I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. :''[On set of telenovela]'' :''[Isabella crying]'' :'''Reymundo:''' Pensabas que yo era tu marido. ¡Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermano diabólico de Reynaldo. :'''Isabella:''' Yo sé, pero todavía te amo. :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen]'' How can anyone say that's not great! :''[Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa? Celebrities know you? :''[There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. :''[Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. :'''Noah Nixon:''' It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... ''[drops tray]'' It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. :''[Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' AHHH! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[looks down at tray and jacket]'' Ohhhhh... :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, okay don't worry... :'''Head Page:''' ''[yelling at another page behind Rex]'' You call yourself a page! :'''Rex:''' Okay worry. ''[puts his fingers together]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! :'''Rex Salazar:''' No you're not. Come on, move! :''[They run to a supply closet.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' I've gotta lead another tour in 45 minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in 45 minutes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is my bad, but I can fix this. ''[Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating]'' We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. ''[Rex points at Noah]'' Noah, calm down! :''[Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Not helping. ''[Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Uh... yeah, I guess? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. :''[Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.]'' :''[Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :'''Isabella:''' Finally! You are here! :''[Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? :'''Isabella:''' Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. :'''Isabella:''' You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. :''[A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Is that our page? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :''[Rex falls]'' :'''Isabella:''' He's mine, I saw him first! :''[Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.]'' :'''Isabella:''' He is mine!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hum? :'''Beatriz:''' Why don't we let him decide? :'''[Rex is being pulled back and forth]'' :'''Isabella:''' You would like that wouldn't you? :'''Beatriz:''' Yes I would! Very much. :'''Isabella:''' Fine. :''[Girls growl at each other and walk away.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[grinning]'' Did they just cat-fight over me? :''[The girls come back with lists.]'' :'''Isabella:''' Here is a list of what I need you to do! :'''Beatriz:''' And here's mine! :'''Rex Salazar:''' You want me to work on the show? :'''Beatriz:''' Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. :'''Rex Salazar:''' But I'm not ... ''[looks over the girls]'' ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. :''[Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. :'''Isabella:''' You are dead to me! But I will take this one. ''[takes yogurt]'' :''[Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.]'' :''[Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? ''[offers him a mug of coffee]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Gracias. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Leche? :'''Reynaldo:''' How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh, okay, didn't know that. Sugar? :''[Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? :''[Rex looks around and the phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex, where are you? :'''Reynaldo:''' No phone! ''[Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.]'' You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! ''[grabs Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait what are you... ''[Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing]'' ...Oh, thanks! :''[Everyone runs up to them.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Not another accidente! :'''Isabella:''' ''[scared]'' Ay. Dios mio! No! :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's okay, I'm fine. :'''Isabella:''' ''[pushes Rex down]'' My jogurt! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up... ''[whispers to man though they look at him]'' Oh. ''[Reynaldo hands him the mop.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. :'''Reynaldo:''' Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... ''[another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground]'' Aahh... Por que? Ay. :''[Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ugh! Clowns. :''[The mongoose squeaks.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. :''[Mongo growls, bears teeth]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. ''[wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. ''[Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? :''[Mongo jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Wait, that's you, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. ''[reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. ''[Mongo sets off another trap]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] :'''Beatriz:''' What's going on back there? :'''Isabella:''' Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Getting thrown around back stage]'' Ouch. ''[gets beat up by mechanical clowns]'' :''[Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ok, New plan-- First I smash your face, then I cure you. :''[Mongo knocks over equipment]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. ''[grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls]'' Oww! Look out! :''[Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. ''[last wall of stage set falls behind him]'' :'''Beatriz:''' What are jou talking about? :'''Isabella:''' We just saw you ruin our set. :'''Reynaldo:''' You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... ''[looks at name badge]'' Noah Nixon. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. :''[Three actors gasps]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' ''[tears off his own shirt]'' Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! :''[Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? :'''Noah Nixon: What? Why are you-- :'''Rex Salazar:''' No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear]'' Heh! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my... your name. :'''Noah Nixon:''' You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. ''[Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' ''[to Reynaldo]'' You are bleeding! :'''Reynaldo:''' What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! ''[moans and falls on his face crushing a chair]'' :'''Beatriz:''' You cannot go on. :'''Isabella:''' If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'll do it!!! :'''Reynaldo:''' You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe... But no! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! :'''Rex Salazar:''' So, is that a-- :'''Reynaldo:''' Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Accion! :''[Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[thinking]'' Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! ''[groans]'' Nope. Doesn't make it any better. ''[Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls]'' Where'd you go? :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. :'''Rex Salazar: Hey wait, I'm not-- :'''Guy in suit:''' Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr.... Nixon? :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. Mr. Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. ''[takes script, leaves]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing]'' :''[Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? ''[Mongo growls and grows huge]'' Oh so you can do that too. ''[Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. ''[Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' ''[walks up]'' Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? ''[Rex runs off]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[points in other direction, Rex runs that way]'' :''[Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, gimme that! ''[grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building]'' :''[Rex looks in the hole into the stage.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. ''[runs off after Mongo]'' :''[Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I think this is for you. ''[runs after Mongo]'' :''[Phone rings]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Did you catch it? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. :'''Noah Nixon:''' I am so dead. :'''Lady with clipboard:''' ''[grabs Rex by the collar]'' Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your two p.m. tour. ''[Gives Rex clipboard and keys]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Driving tram with tourists]'' Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. :''[Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard]'' :'''Tourist:''' They had better special effects at my kids' school play. :''[Back on soap opera stage]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! :''[Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.]'' :''[Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Yes! That's it exactly! :''[Mongo growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. ''[big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' That's not the hand I meant. :''[Actors, stunned, applaud]'' :''[Rex picks up Mongo.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' You are a good page, Noah Nixon. :''[Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.]'' :''[At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Oh, my jacket! ''[Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.]'' :''[Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. ''[He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I'm proud of you, kiddo! It took me sixty seven years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. ''[Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back]'' :'''Head Page:''' Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. ''[they look at each other with puzzled frowns]'' :''[Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. ''[Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! ''[Noah smiles.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's OK, it's OK. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! ''[Rex runs off]'' Nixon! :''[Mongo looking down from rafters]'' ===Riddle of the Sphinx=== :'''Egyptian Guide:''' They uncovered the tunnel during routine sewer work. No one has set foot in here in over 3.500 years. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Providence doesn't work the location yet? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' ''[laughs]'' The antiquities comission does not like this Black Knight. They keep her busy with much paperwork. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The maze looks like it extends for miles. They do that to keep looters out? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' Or to keep something in. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Anything that was trapped in here couldn't be alive after all this time. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' I-I-I must go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''': Watch out! Bobby traps. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' That's not what I'm afraid of. :'''Bobo:''' It's only been a few days since we heard from Holiday. :'''Six:''' Something's wrong. :'''Bobo:''' Maybe she wanted a vacation from you clowns. "Something's wrong." :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Providence! She in is trouble. :'''Six:''' Black Knight. And she has your better half. :'''Bobo:''' I'm predictin' an awkward situation. :'''Black Knight:''' Hello, Rex. If you came for your friend, I'll have to disappoint you. :'''Rex:''' That hairy creep? You can keep the traitor. Hey! My faithful guide, why don't you go away while we discuss business? :'''Bobo:''' It's me, you dopey tin can! Beat it! Or the boss lady's gonna get wise to our little switcheroo. :'''Rex:''' What's the campout for? :'''Black Knight:''' Routine scientific research. :'''Rex:''' Look, I know Holiday was here. What'd you do with her? :'''Black Knight:''' We arrived an hour ago. The locals say Holiday unleashed a monster down in the tunnels. The situation's under control. As soon as we've secured the tunnels, I'll send a team in to see if she's still alive. :'''Rex:''' I'm going with you. :'''Black Knight:''' You're going nowhere. You quit Providence. Unless you're recosindering? :'''Rex:''' Come on, guide. Holiday's in those tunnels. But Black Knight has a whole battalion of Providence goons guarding the entrance. :'''Six:''' I figured she'd be no help. That's why I found someone who knows a back way in. :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The Kushari is healthy. For the stomach, good. :'''Rex:''' Enough about the Kushari! Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' For so young, you in such a hurry. And old cook like me, I live by selling Kushari. Why not buy some? You buy, I give you more information. :'''Bobo:''' Ah, come on. Stop bein' so stingy. Buy some more. :'''Six:''' Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The sewer man-- They came to fix a leak. They found the tunnel to the entrance in my basement. :'''Bobo:''' Mmm! :'''Rex:''' Way cool! Maybe we'll see some mummies! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Tell us where Holiday is! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Where do you think I am? :'''Six:''' Holiday! :'''Bobo:''' So, what's with the halloween get up, doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I found it in one of the chambers. Scares off the curious. I need to get to the bottom of all this before Black Knight. :'''Rex:''' The bottom of what? This is all ancient history? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You can this ancient history? :'''Rex:''' That looks like a nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's because it is a nanite. :'''Six:''' How could they have knowledge back then? :'''Rex:''' Aliens! Like the ones that built the pyramids. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' None of this is more advanced that the 21st century. It's not aliens. I think the answers lie behind this door. But I can't figure out how to open it. :'''Rex:''' Open the door? No problem, Doc! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Stop! This whole place is booby-trapped. We open this wrong, they'll bring the tunnels down on us. :'''Rex:''' If there's a wrong way to open it, then that means there's a right way, too. Maybe the nanite picture is a clue. The whole thing is rigged like one. Told you-- No prob. Whoa, mumies. :'''Bobo:''' What are you lookin' at, beautiful? :'''Rex:''' Ha! Awesome! I'd love to see the look on Knight's face when she finds out we've beat her here. :'''Black Knight:''' Then let me step a little closer so you can see. :'''Six:''' How'd you find us? :'''Black Knight:''' Your mole helped me. :'''Bobo:''' Sorry, pal. :'''Black Knight:''' I should have known better. It's old junk from the dead. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Guranset:''' Gharun Set is not dead. :'''Rex:''' Put her down! :'''Black Knight:''' This isn't the time for violence. Our host has forgotten his manners. I presume he hasn't had guests in a long time. :'''Guranset:''' Almost an eternity. Gharun Set said has waited for his release. Awaken this cursed prison through the ages. :'''Black Knight:''' You speak English. That is interesting. Who taught your own language, Gharun Set? :'''Guranset:''' I was taught by the great father. :'''Black Knight:''' Father? What did he look me? :'''Guranset:''' He is dead-- As all of you soon shall be! :'''Black Knight:''' Now's the time for violence. :'''Guranset:''' Aah! :'''Black Knight:''' A nanite disrupter. Something I had your brother's lab whip up. It's quite lethal. :'''Rex:''' Looks like the lab forgot to tell him that. :'''Guranset:''' The boy controls the engines of life? It can't be. I laid low the armies of six kingdoms, swordsman. You think your tiny blades can stop me? :'''Rex:''' Try this one for size! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His staff is a nanite disrupter. Get it away from him. :'''Rex:''' Easier said than done! :'''Guranset:''' Haah! :'''Rex:''' Oh, mummies! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, yeah, you got your mummies. I hope you're happy! :'''Six:''' Rex! We can handle this! He's getting away! :'''Guranset:''' One last trap to keep me imprisoned, father. Nothing will keep me from my destiny! You serve his plan, child, and don't even know it. :'''Rex:''' Everybody talk weird in ancient Egypt, or it is just your special thing? Uh... are they supposed to do that? :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Guranset:''' Finally! I am free! :'''Six:''' These EVO's won't say dead. :'''Bobo:''' Their breath stinks, too! Ah, boy! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You could thank me for saving your life. :'''Black Knight:''' Dr. Holiday, our lives are not safe yet. :'''Guranset:''' I am not alone. Together, we shall reconquer this land, and then.. the world! :'''Rex:''' Uh, I think the sun's baked him loopy. You can't reanimate that. It's a statue. :'''Guranset:''' This is not statue, child. It is a tomb. Arise, my mighty steed. Arise, my sphinx! :'''Rex:''' Providence, this is Rex. You may want to evacuate Cairo. :'''Guranset:''' This city is a blight upon my kingdom. All shall be as it once was. :'''Rex:''' I'm warning you, Gharun Set-- I don't want to have to get rough with you. Step off the pussycat. :'''Guranset:''' You presume to tell a pharaoph what to do. Be gone! :'''Six:''' Holiday. There's something I want to tell you before it's too late. :'''Bobo:''' Ugh. Hold still! Oh, no. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All of them. Like the nanites keeping them alive... self-destructed? I'm sorry. What were you going to say? :'''Six:''' Holiday... I, uh... :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hold that thought. :'''Bobo:''' What's it gonna be, the kooky chicks or we go help Rex save the world? :'''Six:''' Rex probably has this under control. Holiday needs my-- our help. :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, I can't resist a good catfight either. :'''Rex:''' Let me handle! This it's too dangerous! :'''Pilot:''' Black Knight, target sighted. It's riding a 50-foot-tall house cat. Please advise. :'''Black Knight:''' Do not harm. Contain and capture. We need that specimen. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Pilot disregard. Last order. Target no longer needed. Destroy. Repeat-- Destroy. :'''Pilot:''' You're with the lady. Lock and load. :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! Get out of here! I don't know what he's up to, but it's not good. :'''Garunset:''' Behold the majesty of my dream. My kingdom! My paradise! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What is this place? :'''Black Knight:''' It's the stuff of legends. The fabled hall of records which lay hidden beneath where the sphinx once was. :'''Bobo:''' "Was"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This can't be! That's the helix splitter. And that looks like a nano-flux inducer. Caesar built the first prototype of one last year. :'''Black Knight:''' I can't let you touch any of this. It's too unstable with age. When you blundered in the tomb, you set off a safeguard. Someone thought this room too dangerous for the world to know about. :'''Bobo:''' Agreed. Let's scram! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't! Don't you know what this means to science? The knowledge in here is invaluable. It cannot be lost-- Again! :'''Black Knight:''' It won't be! Now that we know where it is, we can dig it out later. We will study it. I promise you that. :'''Six''': Holiday. Let it go. :'''Guranset''': As father promised-- I will rule forever. :'''Rex''': Forever is gonna be shorter than you think. :'''Guranset''': No! Nooooo! :'''Rex''': Aw, come on! I didn't hit you that hard! :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Rex''': What's happening to you? :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Guranset''': Aaaaaaaaah! :''[Guranset grunts]'' :'''Guranset''': Do not touch your pharaoh. :'''Rex''': You need help. Your nanites are dying of old age-- I think. It's like starting an old car. Uh, o-or a camel. Let me help you. I can fix your nanites, and then maybe-- :'''Guranset''': Lies! :'''Rex''': You're in a strange time, a strange place. We have science, machines. We can help you. Trust us. :'''Guranset''': Like you trust the woman you call Black Knight? I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. Father told me of you... Rex. :'''Rex:''' What? How do you know my-- :'''Guranset''': I would have helped the world. Ended the hunger, the wars. But now he will return. Avenge me. ''[Echoing]'' I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. <hr width80/> :'''Black Knight:''' You wanted something? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The hall of records-- You can't keep it a secret. It must be studied. That hall-- :'''Black Knight:''' What hall? :'''Rex:''' Why'd you do that?! Holiday said-- :'''Black Knight:''' Some secrets are best left buried under the sands, Rex. :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Gentleman. Dr. Holiday. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, what'd you want to tell me back in the tomb? :'''Six:''' It can wait. :'''Rex:''' Don't wait too long. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All those priceless artifacts. And we still don't know who created Gharun Set. ===Guy vs. Guy=== :'''Rex:''' This means war. <hr width80%> ===Double Vision=== : ''[The episode starts as a butterfly flies through plants in a flower shop. Suddenly, Rex is thrown into the shop window, making nearby civilians run away. Rex gets up and looks out of the broken glass, seeing a beastly plant EVO, a few people watching, and Agent Six slashing his swords around to evade the EVO's tentacles.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Pants and brushes leaves off his sleeve and puts on goggles.]'' Not bad! : ''[Uses the Punk Busters to jump out of the shop and generates his Smack Hands to uppercut the EVO, causing it to crash into a nearby building.]'' But I'm better! : ''[The EVO gets out of the glass windows and roars, attacking Agent Six.]'' : '''Agent Six:''' ''[Cuts off a tentacle and walks towards Rex.]'' Talk is cheap, Rex. Prove it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Generating the Smack Hands.]'' No problemo. : ''[The EVO rushes towards Rex, unfortunately, Rex grabs it and slams it onto the ground. A random girl is driving up the road on a moped. However, she is stopped as the EVO blocks the path.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Putting his hands up to assure the girl.]'' Nothing to worry about, I've got this handled. ''[Turns to EVO, whom is still on the floor.]'' Okay big guy, say adiós to those nasty nanites. : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex kneels down to cure the EVO, flowers spout out of the EVO]'' Aw, for me? Does this mean we're dating? : ''[Suddenly, the flowers shoot out some goo into Rex's face, making him slam onto the floor, a crowd forms around the battle.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Yelps while getting up and pulls his goggles off and wipes the goo off his face.]'' Oh, that's better. ''[He gives his goggles to the random female on the moped]'' Hey! Watch these for me. ''[Runs back into battle and generates the Punk Busters and kicks the blacked out EVO over a building.]'' Goal! Hey thanks for holding onto my...huh?... : ''[Rex turns around to see the girl missing from the crowd. Deforming his Punk Busters, he spots the girl riding away on her moped. She turns to look back at Rex, appearing to have on his goggles.]'' : '''Rex:''' Goggles! : ''[Rex puts one of his hands up to signal for her to wait, but the EVO returns and wraps its tentacle around Rex's neck. The EVO twists Rex in mid-air in the sky for a minute before slamming him onto the cement. Rex gets up and sees the goggle girl riding away out of sight.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! You've got my...ungh...goggles... Aah! Ungh! Did you see that girl?! She stole my goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Priorities, Rex. : '''Rex:''' They are my priority, Six. I can pound EVOs any day. Those goggles are-- Ah, great. Who invited her? : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, gentlemen. We've got this covered. : '''Rex:''' We don't need any help. Whoa! Whoa! Ungh! : '''Black Knight:''' Obviously. Control collar-- Now. We'll take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Take it from whe-e-re?! I've already got this under contro-o-o-o-l! Whoa! Ugh! Let me try to cure it. : '''Black Knight:''' The new Providence protocol is to confine, constrain and control. If curing is an option, it will be considered-- At my discretion. : '''Rex:''' Control? I can cure it now and end this. : '''Black Knight:''' The offer still stands. If you want to come back to Providence, you can continue your mission. : '''Rex:''' I have my mission! : '''Black Knight:''' Curing every EVO on Earth isn't a mission, Rex. It's an impossibility. : '''Rex:''' Watch me. : '''Black Knight:''' Everybody back! Contain those seedlings! : '''Rex:''' You just made it worse! Now I've got to clean up your mess. Starting with this guy. See? Fearing works! : '''Black Knight:''' It was your actions that exacerbated this situation. I want full containment and control over those seedlings. Move out-- Now. : '''Agent Six:''' While you were arguing, Holiday found another sprout. Let's go deal with that before Providence does. : '''Rex:''' But-- My goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Focus, Rex. We've got work to do. : '''Rex:''' Nice work! : '''Agent Six:''' Drop in the bucket. Look below. : '''Rex:''' Wow. And I thought I'd be able to knock off early today. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' On the contrary, Rex. By overlaying current worldwide wind patterns on top of international population centers, we're looking at total global infestation within thirty-eight hours. : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, that's a lot of roughage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I need to get in the field and obtain some live samples. Bobo and I will meet you at the rendezvous point in the mobile command center. : '''Rex:''' Okay, doc. We're almost there. Hey! It's that girl! Wh-o-o-o-oa! : '''Agent Six:''' What's gotten into you, Rex? : '''Rex:''' My goggles-- I can't see without them! : '''Agent Six:''' Obviously, you can see without them. : '''Rex:''' Well, yeah, but I really need them a lot of the time. Don't you remember when I first got them? : '''Agent Six:''' Actually, no. : '''Rex:''' Oh. Sorry. My bad. It was early on, when I was just learning to control my powers. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Aaaah! Aah! Aaaaah! Oof! : '''Agent Six:''' Horse manure. : '''Rex:''' This is exactly why I need my goggles! Hey! I thought this thing was just a sprout! : '''Agent Six:''' It's the nature of plants to grow. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Very Zen of you, Six. Well, it's the nature of me to kick EVO butt! Whoa! Oof! Yuck! This stuff really stinks! : '''Agent Six:''' All yours. : '''Rex:''' Ta-da! And for my next trick... Oh, and look who's late to the party. : '''Black Knight:''' ''[Entering]'' Alpha team, I want you to lay down suppressive fire and-- : ''[Realizing the EVOs not there]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Belay that. Sit Ops, I was told we had a Class-Three EVO situation here. Where is the EVO? : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex hands her flowers]'' Sorry. This is all that's left. Six, are we good here? I've got to run. : '''Agent Six:''' I'd put those in water. : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Rex:''' Slow down! I just want to-- Ungh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? What?! No way! Hey! You've got my-- Ugh! Whoa! ...Goggles. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got bigger problems than a girl on a scooter, Rex. First a flower shop, then gardening supplies. It's getting hungrier. Gentlemen, I suggest you get to the sewage-treatment plant as quickly as possible. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Why? : '''Agent Six:''' Fertilizer, Rex, as in if those sprouts chow down on that much raw nourishment, we're in some deep... : ''[Plant EVO bursts through a nearby wall]'' : '''Rex:''' ...Horse maneure. Hungry? Eat this! : '''Agent Six:''' Holiday, get to the sewage plant. We'll meet you there after we clean up. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Clean up? I'd rather make a mess! Shoulda brought my chainsaw. : '''Agent Six:''' Shoot the seedlings! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, this time I'm going to-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Wait! Aw, man! Back off! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Bobo:''' You went a little nuts there, buddy. I like it! But... Goggles? : '''Rex:''' That EVO interrupted before I could finish the story. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Agent Six:''' Here, kid. Try these on. : '''Rex:''' Um, so I can look like a total doofus? : '''Agent Six:''' You have no idea how unique these goggles are, Rex. A reclusive weaponsmith in Zurich crafted this single pair before he turned EVO. : '''Rex:''' Really? And then what happened to him? : '''Agent Six:''' I did. He won't be crafting any more goggles. : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Agent Six:''' These are one-of-a-kind, Rex-- Special, for you. : '''Bobo:''' What a bunch of chimp chips! Those goggles are-- Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Wow. That is a lot of rampaging EVO. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. Lucky holiday-- She's right in the thick of it. : '''Rex:''' Lucky? : '''Bobo:''' She gets to try out all the special modifications I made to that sweet ride. : ''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Plant EVO has Holiday trapped inside the Mobile Command Center]'' Okay. Let's see how you like 10,000 volts of-- : ''[Holiday presses a button, and music starts playing]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo's mix tape?! Who puts the stereo next to the weapons system?! One more time-- Big red button. Always go for the big red button. Unless you don't want to drain the batteries to zero. : ''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo, your improvements could use some improvements. Rex, if you're not too busy, I'd appreciate a little assistance. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, ain't that your girlfriend? : '''Agent Six:''' She can take care of herself, right, Rex? : '''Rex:''' Right-- For now. : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's more like it. Ungh! Fine! Let's see how you like this! I don't know what you just did, Rex, but thanks. Rex? : '''Black Knight:''' I admit our last encounter didn't end well, but I think we need to work together on this one. : '''Rex:''' You want to work together? We left Providence, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex-- : '''Rex:''' What happened to "stay out of my way"? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' So now when you need somebody to take out your trash, you can just forget that I quit your crummy organization? : '''Black Knight:''' Yes, Rex, I can, because I don't let my emotions guide my choices. I only want what's best for Providence-- And the world. : '''Rex:''' Okay, cool. Just wanted to hear you say it. Aah! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, the EVO is too big to cure without getting to its core. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, I'm not doing much good out here! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All those vines, the seedlings, everything-- They're just puppets to the plant. Stop those nanites in the core, and you cut the strings. : '''Rex:''' On it! Huh?! : '''Agent Six:''' Watch it, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! All I want are my goggles. All I've wanted all day are my goggles, and this EVOs been blocking me over and over! Hey, Bobo, you know how to shoot one of these? : '''Bobo:''' Eh, how hard could it be? : '''Rex:''' Load me into this thing and point it right at that EVO's sweet spot. And hurry. I got better stuff to do. : '''Bobo:''' You do know that's 30,000 gallons of raw sewage you're aimin' at? : '''Rex:''' Don't remind me. Oh... Yuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! : '''Agent Six:''' Elegant solution, Rex. : '''Bobo:''' You don't smell elegant. You stink worse than me. I'm a little jealous. : '''Black Knight:''' All right, Rex. Get to work. : '''Rex:''' Work? What do you mean? I just served that vegetable! : '''Black Knight:''' You cut the strings, but you still have to fix the puppets. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' She's right, Rex. : '''Black Knight:''' You want to cure the world? Start curing. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa, man, I'm beat! I don't think I can move another inch if you paid me. : ''[Goggle girl rides past him]'' : '''Rex:''' Gotta move! See ya! Hey! Stop for a second! Six, I'm really starting to think this girl's got some kind of EVO action going on-- Teleporter, speedster, something. : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Six, she's not just a teleporter. She can make doubles of herself-- Multiple abilities! She's an EVO, like me! : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the skeevy guy who's been chasing me. He was chasing me, too. And me. What do you want? : '''Rex:''' You took my goggles! I want them back! : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey, Einstein, did you see our logo? That stands for "Goggle Girl", as in the delivery service. You haven't ever heard of us? : '''Rex:''' Um... No. : '''Goggle girl:''' "Nothing is cuter than a girl on a scooter." Kind of hard to miss. : ''[Goggle girl groans]'' : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the worst slogan ever. : '''Rex:''' But-- But my goggles! : '''Goggle girl:''' Part of our costume. The boss buys them in bulk, along with these cheesy wigs he makes us wear. It's kind of lame. : '''Rex:''' In bulk?! Those goggles?! But... They're one-of-a-kind! They're special! They're-- They're... I'll just go now. Nope. Nope. Definitely not. : '''Agent Six:''' I still don't know why those goggles were so important to you. : '''Rex:''' You gave to me, Six. It was the first present, the first nice thing that I remember getting since you found me. You said they were special, and that made me feel special. : '''Six:''' Yes, about those goggles... Apparently, according to Bobo, I may have misled you. There was dozens of them in the Providence service bay. : '''Rex:''' I knew the story was fake, but you told it because you cared about me. That's what made them special. : '''Agent Six:''' I see. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, champ. You got a package. : '''Goggle girl:''' Sign, please. : '''Agent Six:''' It's for you. From us. Just open it. : '''Rex:''' My goggles! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Better. We commissioned an enhanced version. : '''Rex:''' Cool! Infrared... Microscopic... Nanovision?! Thanks, you guys. You really are one-of-a-kind. : '''Bobo:''' Those are great, but these are me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need to hold on to them for a few more hours while I run a full diagnostic. : '''Rex:''' A few hours?! I just got them! Aw! : '''Bobo:''' Here-- Because I care. : '''Goggle girl:''' They actually look kinda cute. : '''Rex:''' Hey, doc! No rush! : '''Bobo:''' Ain't love grand? ===Black and White=== : '''Calan:''' Be advised, we've got activity. Major activity. Stop right there, or we'll shoot! Don't make me do it. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''Calan:''' Calan to command, tell Black Knight-- We have apprehended the intruders. Repeat, we got'em. : '''Rex:''' No! Get out of my head! Stop it! Stop! Stop with the talking! A dream. Oh, thank you! For a second, I swore that I heard his voice. It was almost like he was in the-- Room. Huh?! : '''White Knight:''' I was wondering if I was gonna have to send the monkey in with a bucket of water. But I thought, "why should he have all the fun?" Five minutes-- Situation room. Consider this your wake-up call. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you supposed to be playing dead? You're lucky Black Knight doesn't know you're here. : '''White Knight:''' Black Knight thinks what I want her to think. With the installation of the new regime, I suspected that there was more going on at providence than just this new control protocol. I decided to test my hypothesis. I needed time to operate freely without prying eyes. So I went off the grid. : '''Rex:''' And from the smell of it, you haven't changed out of your suit since then. : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''White Knight:''' I've been busy. I've been tracking their operations. They involve familiar locales and even more familiar machinery. : '''Rex:''' You still use a camera with film? Do they even make that stuff anymore? : '''White Knight:''' What they don't make are machines like these. This is the wreckage of Rylander's lab. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Are they doing what I think they're doing? : '''Rex:''' Do what? : '''White Knight:''' It appears that this new Providence is restarting the nanite program. : '''Rex:''' There is no way my brother would help restart something that nearly destroyed the world. There's got to be a good explanation. We should just ask him. : '''White Knight:''' We can't risk direct contact. We need to infiltrate Providence, download her computer banks, and assess how far along they are before we take any other actions. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over there. : '''Rex:''' Just saying there's more here than meets the eye. Whoa! : '''Six:''' Breaking into Providence? That's a big move, even for you. Black Knight is sure to have enhanced the security systems. We may be able to breach the perimeter defenses, but once inside, we'd be blind targets. : '''White Knight:''' You'd be right if we were playing on her board. : '''Six:''' Forgive me for doubting you. : '''Rex:''' Okay, is someone gonna tell me what these are for? This is so not going to work. : '''Six:''' Trust the plan. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, so, maybe they worked. But how'd you get them to do it on cue? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All a matter of timing. Assuming we get past the outer perimeter, securing the data is a completely different story. Providence encrypts all data. We need to disable multiple units before we can download anything off the mainframe. Doing that undetected is ''[sighs]'' insane. : '''Rex:''' Finally, a voice of reason. I'm calling my brother. Took the lady with three phds to realize what I've been saying all along is right. Hey, that costs money! I'm over my minutes! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you... This is... : '''Six:''' Doable. : '''Rex:''' Do what? What is that? A secret passage. : '''White Knight:''' When they built the tower, I had them install, these-- Upper-management corridors. : '''Six:''' In the old days, they called passages like these the king's road. : '''White Knight:''' From here, we face some unknowns. Stick to the plan. Or we could die. : '''Rex:''' What?! Me?! What about you?! Part of the plan was to do this quietly. : '''Calan:''' Stop right there, or we'll shoot! : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Here we go. Ok, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''White Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. : ''[Calan laughs]'' : '''Calan:''' Welcome back, sir. We've been waiting for you. : '''Rex:''' Que, huh? : '''Calan:''' Sorry for the scare, Rex. We couldn't guarantee the Black Knight wasn't taper our communications. It was best to keep radio silence. In any case-- Say hello to your man on the inside. He've got a bomb! All units, fall back, fall back! Captain Calan, do you copy? Report. : '''White Knight:''' Ready for a repeate performance? : '''Calan:''' Ready when you are, sir. Good luck, everyone. They're headed for the... petting zoo. : '''Holiday:''' Here it is. Just like he said. : '''White Knight:''' This is the Hive. The central nervous system of the entire complex. An electric field protects the inner chambers. We'll need the circuit bandage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I've got an idea, but you'll have to go in partially naked. We've got eyes everywhere. : '''Six:''' Good. Knight and I will handle the encryption towers. You know what to do with this. : '''Rex:''' No sweat. I'm on it. Just have to make one quick detour. Bro? You in here? Oh, no. No, no, no! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, is that you? What brings you here? : ''[Six groans]'' : '''Six:''' Partially naked. Tower one clear. Proceed to next phase. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Got it. Redirecting the data flow now. : '''Calan:''' Anyone hear for the monkey? : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Bobo:''' Offical pet desk. Keep your distance. : '''Rex:''' Is that Dr. Rylander? : '''Caesar:''' It is. Well, almost. After you brought back Van Kleiss, I couldn't help but to wonder if perhaps I might do the same for him. Unfortunately, Van Kleiss was already great in tune the nanites. As you can see, Dr. Rylander-- wasn't. : '''Rex:''' Ok, whatever. Listen, I'm here on a secret mission. : '''Caesar:''' Secret? : '''Rex:''' White Knight said-- : '''Caesar:''' White Knight is alive? : '''Rex:''' If you can call him that. Anyway, he says... you might wanna sit down for this part? That Black Knight is restarting the nanite program. Don't you think that's messed up? : '''Caesar:''' On the contrary. I'm in charge of it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Commencing download in T-2 minutes. White Knight has infiltrated sector three. You're right. They are monitoring our movements. How did you know? : '''White Knight:''' It's what I would do. Now start evac protocols. : '''Black Knight:''' I've torn this facility apart looking for that? When I found it, I still couldn't get to it. Bio-feed security system-- Clever. You have to be nanite-free to open it. I guessed you weren't dead. I knew if I let enough info leak about what we're doing here, you've showed up, eventually. I'll take it. : '''White Knight:''' You can try. : '''Black Knight:''' What ever you say. You were the boss. : '''White Knight:''' That's not a providence toy. : '''Black Knight:''' A woman is entitled her secrets. Especially when those secrets keep me alive. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''White Knight:''' Ohh! What I could've done with you if I hired you first. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't fool yourself, White. : '''White Knight:''' Ohh, ohh, ohh! : '''Black Knight:''' You were bandage at best. the Consortium knew that you weren't the leader for the future. Stand down, old man! : '''White Knight:''' I've got a few secrets of my own, kid. After all, this was my office. Consortium or not, it will be again. : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be advised, they're on to us. Making for the rendezvous. : '''Six:''' I'll take my swords back now. Please. : '''Rex:''' What are you doing, helping Black Knight? She's obviously the more psycho of the two knights. : '''Caesar:''' I'm not helping the Black Knight do anything. I'm trying to fix things. The day everything changed. We never imagined what would happen when we released the nanites. : '''Rex:''' Release them?! You caused the nanite event?! : '''Caesar:''' It was the only way we were going to save the world. : '''Rex:''' You unleashed the worst man-made disaster the world has ever seen!! You've ruined countless lives!! How can you say that you saved anything?! : '''Caesar:''' You weren't there... not in any way that mattered! If we hadn't-- : '''Rex:''' Hold that thought. Here, doggy, doggy. : '''Six:''' Excessive? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Sweet, actually. Now you're overdoing it. : '''White Knight:''' ''[panting]'' Are we finished here? ''[screams]'' Careful, Black. Your council wouldn't be too pleased if you destroyed the very thing you're after. : '''Black Knight:''' If doesn't have to be like this, White! The Consortium may have lost faith in you, but you know my methods are right. Come back. Under my protection, who knows? There may even be a promotion in it for you. : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' I am going to stop the Consortium. If you or Providence gets in my way, this tape goes public. : '''Black Knight:''' Wait! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stop! You're destroying my work! : '''Rex:''' Your work is done! And so are we! I got it. Time to blow this-- : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. Face it, kiddo... today is not your day. : '''Rex:''' Actually, today's wednesday, and wednesday means fiesta night at the cafeteria. Getting in is going to be cake... very dangerous cake. Any bright ideas on how we're getting out? : '''Bobo:''' I got one word for you, kid-- Plumbing. : '''Rex:''' I got it. Time to blow this... : '''Bobo:''' Taco stand. : '''White Knight:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Me and Van Gogh, unappreciated in our time. : '''Rex:''' All of that-- Was for that?! I got nanites, billions of 'em. : '''White Knight:''' Not like this one, Rex. This is a Meta Nanite. One of several. Hardwired into its design is a program for the original Dominion Code. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Dominion Code? I thought that was a myth. : '''White Knight:''' I can assure you, doctor, it is very real. Each one gives its host control over different building blocks of the universe- matter, antimatter, elemental, space, time, reality. With the complete code, you can control them. And through them, you control ''everything''. In sort, it's the God Code. : '''Rex:''' The Consortium want to be...gods? : '''White Knight:''' If it wasn't for the original Nanite Event scattering the Metas across the globe, they may have already succeeded. The situation has changed, people. Black Knight has been searching the globe for the other Meta-Nanites. She needs them all to complete the Master Program. As long as we're keeping her secret, she'll hold off. But sooner or later, she'll be coming for this with the full power of Providence and the Consortium at her back. So... if you want to move on, forget what I've told you. : '''Rex:''' You're not getting rid of us that easily, old man. My parents died for this. Black Knight wants war, war she gets. ===Deadzone=== : '''Holiday:''' "You cannot let him out of your sight, Rex. Don't you see why Black Knight wants him? He's the ultimate insurance against any E.V.O." : '''Rex:''' "Not just any. Me." <hr width80%> : '''Black Knight:''' "Since the search for Feakins is going nowhere, we have no choice but to become much more aggressive with Rex." ===Assault on Abysus=== : '''Diane Farrah:''' Through research and hard work, Providence has turned the curse of the EVO into a blessing. One that will serve mankind. Science and compassion have created a new future for all EVOs. A future filled with happiness and hope. : '''Black Pawn:''' You? Seen some EVOs pass through here? <hr width80%> *Rex and Circe finally admit their true feelings for one another. Unfortunately, there was not enough episodes to explore their romance further. <hr width80%> : ''[Somewhere in [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong, China]]'']'' : '''Circe:''' Okay. They're gone. : '''Skywwd:''' For now. Get out of here, Circe. Run! : '''Circe:''' I'm not leaving you guys. : '''Skywwd:''' You can pass as human. Go-- Before Providence gets you too. : '''Black Pawn:''' The girl! She's with them! : '''Skwwyd:''' Run! : '''Rex:''' Hmm? What's up? : '''Circe:''' You're the only person I could turn to. : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' I don't know. That's the hardest part. : '''Rex:''' You did what you had to do. : '''Circe:''' I left them there, Rex. Our friends. Providence has to be stopped. Someone needs to do something. : '''Rex:''' ''[puts his arms around Circe to comfort her]'' We are. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Am I disturbing you two? : '''Rex:''' No. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight wants to talk with you. : '''Rex:''' Ugh. What's he gonna yell at me for this time? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No, I meant Circe. He wants to talk to her. : '''Circe:''' Providence has been hunting these down, too? : '''White Knight:''' You didn't tell her about them, Rex? : '''Rex:''' I thought the Master Control Nanites were supposed to be top secret. : '''White Knight:''' She has to know if she's going to lead the mission. : '''Rex:''' Her? That was supposed to be my mission. : '''White Knight:''' It's no one's mission. It's about getting the job done. : '''Circe:''' Why me? : '''White Knight:''' Intelligence indicates that Providence has targeted a Master Control Nanite in Abysus. In Van Kleiss' old castle, to be more precise. You're the only one with the knowledge to get us in there. : '''Rex:''' I've been there before. How hard could it be? Circe, you don't have to. : '''Circe:''' If it helps stop Black Knight in Providence, I'm in. : '''Rex:''' Okay, Doc. We made it. The new power suit gave me more range, just like you said. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Circe:''' Thanks, Banak. We're trying to keep a low profile. Don't tell anyone, okay? : '''Rex:''' Good thing you knew the secret whistle or we might have been rooting around forever. : ''[Rex chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Get it? "Root"? Uh... This can't be easy coming back here. I owe you. : '''Circe:''' Forget it. We're even. I used you in the past, now you and your friends are using me. : '''Rex:''' Is there some sort of problem between you and me? : '''Circe:''' There's nothing between you and me. Just the mission. I don't have good memories of this place. Let's just leave it at that, okay? : '''Rex:''' Fine. I'm surprised we haven't run into-- Ugh! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Traitor! Stop her! : '''Circe:''' Aah! : '''Rex:''' Can you chill?! There's no time for this. Who's leading you now that Van Kleiss is gone? I need to speak to your leader. Figures. Biowolf, we have a problem. And... I need your help. : '''Biowulf:''' I will listen. : '''Rex:''' Great, because-- : '''Biowulf:''' Only after you. earn the right-- Through combat. : ''[Biowulf growls]'' : ''[Rex spits]'' : '''Rex:''' At least Van Kleiss was civilized. Buckle up, dog boy. : '''Biowulf:''' You may speak. This nanite you want-- It's not here. None of us have seen it up in the castle or the blast source. : '''Rex:''' I didn't say up. It's down. White Knight thinks it's under the castle. Some other secure lab area. : '''Biowulf:''' The primary chamber? : '''Circe:''' It's under the castle? Van Kleiss always said it was forbidden for us to go there. : '''Rex:''' You think he remembered to tell Black Knight that? Let me take it out of here. : '''Biowulf:''' No! You're a traitor to your own kind. A lapdog to these humans. I've heard enough! : '''Rex:''' All of us will fall-- All EVOs-- If she gets it. Black Knight is worse than you know. If I don't get the nanite out of here, Providence will take it. : '''Biowulf:''' Providence! This is Abysus, the heart of the EVO world. Providence wouldn't dare. : '''Circe:''' The sentries have spotted something. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I wonder who. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Black Knight, the assault forces are in place. : '''Black Knight:''' The field is yours. We've secured the borders. No chance White Knight and his team will get in the country to interfere. : '''Biowulf:''' The castle is surrounded. : '''Rex:''' Standard operating procedure for Providence is to secure the perimeter, then close for attack. Black Knight will have snuck forces around back. : '''Skalamander:''' How should we counter? : '''Rex:''' Easy. : '''Biowulf:''' You take your nanite. I'll decide how to deal with the invaders. : '''Black Pawn:''' Deploy the collars. Rise. Forward. Attack. : '''Rex:''' The nanite event blew away half the castle. This must have been deep enough to survive it. Huh? You hear that? : '''Circe:''' No. Hear what? : '''Rex:''' Uh... Nothing. This place would make a great rec room. Maybe a karaoke machine over there-- : '''Circe:''' Van Kleiss would send volunteers down here to try and get in. None of them ever came back. : '''Rex:''' Well... That's encouraging. : '''Circe:''' What is it? : '''Rex:''' They're... I-I think they're nanites. They're following our lights. They can't see in the dark. I have a plan. Lead them back. : '''Circe:''' ''[concerned]'' Rex? : '''Rex:''' When I say "roll," roll. : '''Circe:''' What?! : '''Rex:''' Roll! Circe, sing! : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic blasts on the EVOs and beams at Rex.]'' : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' We always made a good team. : '''Circe:''' It won't hold them long. : '''Rex:''' You think this is why Van Kleiss always wanted me-- So I could get him in here? : '''Biowulf:''' Providence has breached the castle. We can't hold our position much longer. : '''Rex:''' Go. I'll get the Master-Control Nanite. ''[Notices how worried Circe is about him probably not returning]'' This isn't Hong Kong. I'll be okay. I'll meet up with you soon. : '''Biowulf:''' They've turned our own people against us. : '''Circe:''' Let me see what I can do. : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic bursts on several collared EVOs]''. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : ''[Circe gasping]'' : '''Circe:''' So many. : '''Biowulf:''' You can't stop the ones they've collared. : '''Circe:''' I can go down trying. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Her sonics are disrupting the offensive. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Hyah! Unh! : '''Biowulf:''' If we can't defeat them, we'll take down as many as we can fighting. : '''Circe:''' This isn't one battle. It's a war. And we can't let it end here before Rex has the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Biowulf:''' What, then? : '''Circe:''' Tactical retreat. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh. Dad. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Outer rooms of the castle secured. : '''Black Pawn:''' I don't need you here, Black Knight. It's only a matter of time. We will take the castle piece by piece. : ''[Skalamander growling]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' You are ours now. Down. : ''[Skalamander grunting]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Rex is here. He will make you bow to us! : '''Black Knight:''' This is all a diversion. Find Rex before he gets the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Black Pawn:''' Yes, Ma'am. : '''Black Knight:''' Either you do it or I will. I'm on my way. : '''Rex:''' This place... Rylander had the same type of lab. : '''Soldier:''' Security system engaged. : '''Rex:''' No! : '''Soldier:''' Intruder. Provide authorized identity or be terminated. Identify. Identify. Identify. Identify. : '''Rex:''' Aah! I'm Rex! Rex Salazar! : '''Soldier:''' Salazar genetype-- Accepted. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' There you are, you little troublemaker. You're coming home with the good guys. Uhh. Weird. Uh... I don't suppose you're looking for the karaoke machine? Running into you-- What a coincidence. Come down here a lot? Whoa! Missed me. : '''Black Pawn:''' I have the nanite. Keep the boy busy while I get it to Black Knight. : '''Rex:''' No! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' You two sure know how to make an entrance. : '''Circe:''' The others are getting hammered by Provindence. They're barely holding them off in the dungeon. : '''Rex:''' Gee! Van Kleiss has a dungeon. What a surprise. : '''Biowulf:''' This is no joke. They might die because I came down here to save you. : '''Rex:''' I won't let them get taken. I promise you that. But I need you to let me call the shots. : ''[Biowulf sighs]'' : '''Biowulf:''' Very well. : '''Rex:''' Circ, dungeon left or right? : '''Circe:''' Left. The dungeon's the other way. : '''Rex:''' I'm not looking for the dungeon. I'm looking for the scouts. : '''Black Pawn:''' Nothing. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe a little something. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' Scouts. Classic Providence tactics-- So they don't get ambushed. Uhh. What is this place? : '''Biowulf:''' The old reservoir. It goes to the river. : '''Rex:''' Perfect. ''[deep voice]'' Scout to command. West wing, reservoir-- We've found a back way onto what must be the main EVO force. It's five times the size of what you're fighting. : '''Black Pawn:''' Roger, scout. All forces, withdraw from dungeon siege. Report to west wing, reservoir. Ambush maneuver lambda. : '''Rex:''' ''[normal voice]'' Get your troops. It's bath time. : '''Biowulf:''' Now you bow to Rex! : '''Rex:''' The Providence goons are contained, Biowulf. They shouldn't be any more trouble. And I got the Master-Control Nanite. Looks like mission accomplished. : '''Circe:''' Rex, I-- : ''[She and Rex cling to each other as the castle begins shaking.]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Rex, order your friends to surrender. You're all under Providence custody. I always knew it might be impossible to capture the Master-Control Nanite in the heart of the nanite infestation. So the solution was to remove it. : '''Circe:''' It's Hong Kong all over again. : '''Rex:''' No. We can fight. We'll double back and-- A-and then-- : '''Biowulf:''' Go! Get the nanite out of here! : '''Rex:''' No! I promised you! : '''Biowulf:''' You were right. That nanite is more important than anyone here. Including myself. I am the leader. I give the orders. Run! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex:''' They were counting on me. I don't want to leave them. : '''Circe:''' I did what I had to do. You do what you have to. I want you to know, all this was never about me just using you. : ''[Circe gasps]'' : ''[Finally admits her true romantic feelings for Rex in the form of a passionate kiss. She then pushes a shocked Rex off the ledge, so he could escape; and her getting collared and captured in his stead. She smiled with tears in her eyes, with the promise that she would be okay.]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[burdened by Circe admitting her intense love for him and sacrifice]'' We all make sacrifices for the things we care about-- The people we love. But when the stakes are this high, who can we trust? What would that power do to anyone who had it? They attacked Abysus. What's stopping them from attacking us for these nanites? : '''White Knight:''' They will-- Sooner or later. That's why I want to turn the tables on them first. : '''Rex:''' You know how to do that so we survive in one piece? : '''White Knight:''' Not yet. ===Remote Control=== : '''Bobo:''' Providence goons are thick as fleas tonight, and I know fleas. : '''Rex:''' We're gonna be late if we have to keep sneaking around. : '''Bobo:''' After you. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex must have bailed on us-- Again. : '''Cricket:''' He would never do that, Skwydd. And besides, he dad to fly all the way to Honk Kong on his own. Give him some time. : '''Tuck:''' He's here! Everything okay, Rex? <hr width80%> : '''Cricket:''' If you think we're going to thank you for getting us out of there, Quarry. : '''Quarry:''' I think you're going to do exactly as I say. : ''[Activates the mind-control collar on her neck]'' : '''Cricket:''' AH!! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Cricket, it's me! Rex! Used to a crush on me!? <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Let them go. They'll lead us straight to Quarry. : '''Cricket:''' "Used to have a crush"? <hr width80%> : '''Cricket:''' You know how collared EVOs follow kind of like a robot. with these collars, it's worse. It's like you're a remote-controlled robot. : '''Rex:''' That is a nasty hack. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Your friends are very valuable to me as are you. : '''Rex:''' Like the new look- strapping. : '''Quarry:''' Let's just say I had to find a way to "keep it together" after my visit to Abyuss. Just one more thing you owe me for and you know how much I like a balanced book. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' You'll be the crown jewel of my E.V.O. army, Rex. I may just make you my own personal slave. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' That collar suits you, Rex. Wish I had one for you back in the old days. Would've saved me a lot of trouble. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The arcade- all those kids. : '''Quarry:''' those brats were born to play games, which is what they think their doing. And I have your people to thank for the tech. That brother of yours is quite the wiz kid. : '''Rex:''' Caesar would never-- : '''Cricket:''' Forget about Caesar, Rex! You know what you got to do! : '''Rex:''' These guys will shred you if I leave! : '''Tuck:''' We got this, Rex! Go! <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Consider the fact that you made me like this while I'm crushing you. ===A Brief History of Time=== : '''Van Kleiss:''' 4.000 years from my destination, and I've run out of of time. I've scarcely completed the vessel which shall deliver me to my own era. Gharun-Set, activate the traps-- Quickly! My greatest creation-- So useful to me, but too dangerous to roam free. If only I had time to destroy him, as I should. But I have a more pressing death I must prevent. My own. AAAAAAAAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Kind of defeating the whole stealth element of a stealth suit, Bobo. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, now was I supposed to know that ghanoush went bad? : '''Rex:''' Maybe because you found it in a garbage can. : '''Bobo:''' On top of a garbage can. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to Rex. Are you at the site? : '''Rex:''' There is not site, remember? Black Knight blew the pace to kingdom come. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Yet it's still guarded. And thanks to the data you stole from Providence, we know why. : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss back in time? I still find it hard to believe. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You were sent six months into the future, Rex. It stands to reason that the reverse is possible. : '''Rex:''' Well, if you expect to find him here, maybe we should check the mummy museum. We're sensing nanites-- Definitely V.K.'s. They've been dead a long time. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over 4,000 years. I'm also detecting tachyons-- Quantum particles that travel in time. I think it's clear what he was making. : '''Bobo:''' A latrine? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' A time machine. : '''Rex:''' No way he pulled it off! If mister ego made it back to here and now, we'd know about it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Some of these nanites are considerably younger. That means he was there in two different time periods. : '''Rex:''' Time travel gives me a headache. Just tell me-- Where is he now? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The more accurate question is, when is he? : '''Van Kleiss:''' AAAAAAH! : ''[Van Kleiss gasping]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! The ordeal is... draining. But now, back in my own time, I can replenish my nanite reserves and-- : '''Gladiator #1:''' Quis es tu? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I recognize the language, of course-- Classical latin. Qui-- Q-Qui annus est? : '''Gladiator #1:''' What year is it? You dare question a captain of the imperial guard? Aegyptus is a roman Providence! Answer! Who are you? : '''Gladiator #2:''' Don't bother-- He's clearly sun-mad. : '''Van Kleiss:''' The dialect, the dress-- This is the second century A.D. A mere 2,000 years has passed. I'm only halfway home! : '''Gladiator #1:''' Another escaped slave. Finish him and be done with it. : ''[Gladiator #2 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It was all the fight I could muster. I had no way to replace the nanites I'd spent in the journey, and my gauntlet had yet to recharge those that remained. : '''Gladiator #2:''' This one shows spirit. He'll bring a good price in the arena. : '''Van Kleiss:''' OOMPH! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #2:''' Save your strength. : '''Gladiator #3:''' Where you're going, you'll need it. : ''[Van Kleiss slurps]'' : ''[Van Kleiss gulps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I intend to. Of the mysterious force, there is no sign. Yet I sense it is close-- Pursuing me even across the centuries. I am convinced it is a manifestation of time itself. My presence is a violation of physics-- An imbalance which the time stream seeks to correct... By wiping me from existence. But of this, I am certain-- If I do not return to my own time, it will surely destroy me. : '''Gladiator #1:''' You are fortunate, slave. To die in the arena is a great honor. : '''Van Kleiss:''' An honor I look forward to bestowing. : ''[Gladiator #1 laughs]'' : '''Gladiator #1:''' You see? Spirit! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' Put on a good show, little man, and I promise to make your end a painless one. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Indeed? : ''[Gladiator #3 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I, on the other hand, make no such promise. : ''[Gladiator #3 grunting]'' : ''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Gladiator #3 groans]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' One against so many? Hardly seems fair. For them. : '''Gladiator #4:''' ARRRGHHHH! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ordinarily, I'd say "take me to your leader," but I believe he's already here. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great warrior... Never have I seen such a battle. I am... : '''Van Kleiss:''' Septimius Severus, 21st emperor of Rome, founder of the severan dynasty. And, as I recall, you poisoned your own commanding officer to get his position... And wear only boots to conceal a prodigious clubfoot. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Are you a man... Or a God? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I find both labels rather limiting. Now, then, you are going to give me whatever I require, starting with a quiet place to work. I, in return, shall ensure the growth and security of your reign as emperor. You may call me Van Kleiss. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Whatever your desire, great Vanklios. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, it's... Got a rather nice ring. : '''Rex:''' What's with this guy? Gets a portrait done in every time period? : '''Bobo:''' Mm. ''[muffled]'' Truly a nutjob for the ages. Mm. Speaking of nuts... Want some? : '''Rex:''' You've been dumpster-diving again? : '''Bobo:''' I prefer "foraging." : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Nice sleuthing there, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Nanites decay at a measurable half-life. I set our sat-net to do a global scan for the same frequency-- Ergo, Rome. : '''Rex:''' Great. You scan for the next stop, we'll grab a pizza. : '''Bobo:''' Pass. I'm experiencing inexpicable gastric distress. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it would take months to scan the entire spectrum. You need to find the next decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Kind of like nanite connect-the-dots! Can I do it with someone else? : '''Bobo:''' Hey, quiet, you! Rah! : '''Rex:''' This goose chase just got a little wilder. My brother's here. : '''Caesar:''' Caesar to Black. We've detected paleo-nanites. Tachyon readings negative. We're moving to the next hot stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons-- They want Van Kleiss' time machine. Follow them. : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Bobo:''' Can you give me a teeny sec? I gotta find the little gladiators' room. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Advances in the last two millenia have allowed me to complete my lab in weeks instead of months. Restrict the flow! Do you want to overload the power cells? Meanwhile, my own nanite supply continues to dwindle. : ''[Septimius Severus panting]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great Vanklios, protect me! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I've divulged metallurgy and tactics beyond your day. No man may threaten your rule. : '''Septimius Severus:''' This is no man-- But an apparition! : ''[Septimius Severus grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' What apparition? Speak, parasite! : '''Septimius Severus:''' A spirit of doom! Numerous sightings-- The insulare, the rostra, the forum. Listen! It comes! It comes! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Fool. It only wants me. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Ugh! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I release you. Go start a few legends. : '''Septimius Severus:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOO! : ''[Septimius Severus gasps]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Be gone! I beg of you! Aah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, those stress lines-- It's the same pattern we saw in Egypt. : '''Black Knight:''' Report. : '''Caesar:''' These aqueducts are truly marvels of roman engineering. : '''Black Knight:''' Have you picked up the next decay frequency? : '''Caesar:''' Oh-- That. Yes. Uplinking to our global net. Odd. These tachyons seems unrelated to-- : '''Black Knight:''' We have the next target. Scandinavia. Move out. White Knight may have people on the trail. I expect you to do whatever it takes to procure the objective. : '''Rex:''' Shh! : '''Caesar:''' I've initiated the same steps as in Egypt! Come along. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need that decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Just one small problem, doc. This place... is toast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? Bobo? Respond! : '''Rex:''' We're okay, doc. Not a mark on us. : '''Bobo:''' Same can't be said for my stealth suit. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex and Bobo gasps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' So many lives... It's become a blur. I don't know who I am anymore. Only that I must sail onward, ever onwoard down the river of time. Never resting, always moving. Further draining my nanite reserves beyond my ability to replenish. And each re-emergence, I am pursued by the nameless force. I now know it's personal. I am a virus-- An infection of space-time. Call it what you like. This is time's antibody. Whether I can borne home or drowned in its currents, this is my final journey. : '''Rex:''' Hurry! I'm not sure if we here followed. : '''Bobo:''' I'm sure. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Don't shoot! It's me. : '''Rex:''' Holiday? Shouldn't you be at the plant, connecting the dots? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No more dots to connect. The trail ends here. And... I'm reading a humanoid form inside. : '''Rex:''' I'm confused. Is it a time machine or isn't it? : '''Caesar:''' It's not a time machine. Are those really necessary? : '''Rex:''' No way you're getting this time machine, bro! : '''Caesar:''' I don't want it. And it's not a time machine. : '''Bobo:''' Well, then, what is it? A meat locker for cold cuts? : '''Caesar:''' Surprisingly close. We use this technique to transfer unstable nanites. It puts them into a state of dormancy. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Of course. It's a hibernation chamber. : '''Caesar:''' Only his nanites were dormant. There would still be neuron flow. : '''Rex:''' Mind telling me what that means, exactly? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He was... Aware. The whole time, for hundreds of years. : '''Caesar:''' He would have felt every minute pass. : '''Rex:''' No way! He's totally a mummy! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Run! It's coming! It's coming?! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Rex:''' Easy, easy, Van Kleiss. You're back-- Back in your own time. : '''Van Kleiss:''' No! No, it'll find me! It always does! You must protect me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyon readings off the chart! Rex, you can't affect that thing. I don't know what can. : '''Caesar:''' It's a field of pure tachyons. I've got to get a sample. : '''Rex:''' Oh, no, you don't! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I'm back! Back in my own time! You shall not have me?! OHHHH! : '''Bobo:''' Settle down, Van Winkle. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, no. It couldn't be. I need some way to contain it! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons can't be contained! : '''Caesar:''' Yes, they can. Rex! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it's too risky! : '''Rex:''' But I know what this is. Correction-- I know who this is. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's... Breach. : '''Rex:''' Breach. Breach! It's me-- Rex. : '''Breach:''' Rex? Are you real... Or a dream? : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm real. : '''Breach:''' I was everywhere-- Everywhen. But I was nothing-- An emptiness, needing to be filled. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The amp pack. Van Kleiss controlled it. When his nanites were active, Breach was drawn into his timeframe. : ''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' The final joining would have destroyed them both. : '''Breach:''' Guess I should say thanks. : '''Rex:''' Hey, what are friends for? Um, we are still friends... Right? : '''Caesar:''' You did well, little bro. : '''Rex:''' And you have your time machine that... isn't a time machine. Everybody goes home happy. : '''Caesar:''' That? A curiosity-- True. But it was never our goal. : ''[Van Kleiss shivering]'' : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss?! All this for him? what, they're gonna put him in jail? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's Providence, Rex. That's their jurisdiction. : '''Caesar:''' No need to worry, little brother. He's going to be well supervised. : '''Rex:''' Caesar, what is going on!? : '''Caesar:''' Justice. : '''Bobo:''' Two words-- Crème Brûlée. Ooh. Right after I make a french connection. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Welcome back, Van Kleiss. You look terrible. Ordinarily, I'd say get some rest, but you've had enough of that, I suppose. : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Pull it together. We have work to do. Do you know who I am? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I know who you are. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. ===Mind Games=== : '''Rex''': Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure of that. : '''Six''': I told you not to get involved, Rex. You're not at full strength. : '''Rex''': What was I supposed to do-- Just leave it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six has a point, Rex. You're pushed to the edge lately. You can't see everyone. : '''Rex''': Not listening! Don't worry, dude. I'll have you out of here before you can say-- Circe?! : '''Circe''': Hey, Rex. Rex! Aaaah! : ''[Circe sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex! Rex, do you read? What's going on? Your bios are low. : '''Rex''': Leave her alone! You okay? : '''Circe''': I think so. We have to go. : '''Rex''': Think that's your cue. Hang on. I think I got it. Ow! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Hate this things. : '''Circe''': Try wearing one. : '''Rex''': I have. So, what happened? I thought Providence had you at Abysus. : '''Circe''': I got away. : '''Rex''': What about the Pack? : '''Circe''': The Pack? I-- Don't know. Things are bad out there, Rex. I've been on the run for weeks. Providence has been stepping up their capture orders. I think something big is going down. : '''Rex''': Tell me about it. Listen, I know we're gonna want to say no, but with everything that's going on... : '''Circe''': I should stay at the plant. It's safer, right? : '''Rex''': Wow, that was-- Easy. I had a whole speech and everything. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Well, everything checks out. You're the picture of health. I wish you'd let me do some more thorough scans, through. : '''Six''': How was it you said you got away? : '''Circe''': It's a long story. You guys have bigger things to worry about than me... like the Meta-Nanites. Did you get the one from Abysus? Have you found anymore? : '''Rex''': Ugh, who cares? Let's go do something fun. You want to put Bobo' hand in shaving cream? : ''[Circe yawns]'' : '''Circe''': Actually, Rex, I'm kind of tired. I thing I might just crash if that's cool. : '''Rex''': Oh... yeah. Stupid of me. You, uh, get some sleep. Hey, doc. What are you doing? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. I was just... working. What are you doing up? : '''Rex''': Ah, it's... stupid. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Yeah, probably. But... go ahead. : '''Rex''': I'm... excited. Since I got breached, everything's been so crazy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Since you got breached? Right. : '''Rex''': But with Circe back, I'm starting to think maybe things will turn out okay. : '''White Knight''': I need everyone in the situation room in five minutes. : '''Rex''': So much for that. : ''[Dr. Holiday yawns]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': What'd I miss? : '''Rex''': Wow, Doc. You sure got comfy quick. : '''White Knight''': Listen up, people. We need to retrieve a valuable asset before it falls into enemy hands. : '''Six''': What's the objective? : '''White Knight''': This man... Dr. Peter Meechum. : '''Rex''': That guy? I remember him. Van crazy kiddnaped his daughter. : '''White Knight''': Meechum spent the last year at a safehouse facility... Codename: Pandora's Box... location know only to me. : '''Rex''': Why all the cloak and dagger? : '''White Knight''': Because Meechum was one of the original scientists on the Nanite Project. He was given a panic button in case of emergency. Thirty minutes ago-- He activated it. : '''Six''': Providence? : '''White Knight''': We have to assume they're trying to assemble the original members of the Nanite Project. What Meechum knows is too valuable to fall into the wrong hands, so go get him. : '''Six''': Maybe Circe should stay here. : '''Rex''': What? Why? : '''Six''': She's not on the team yet-- Not officialy. : '''White Knight''': Take her. She'll be useful in the field. : '''Rex''': Ahem. You guys forget you key? Did you check under the mat? : '''Six''': Rex, focus on the mission. Get to Meechum! : '''Rex''': Relax, Six. I could take these guys in my sleep, especially with help from... Huh? Circe? Uh... Time-out? : '''Six''': Peter Meechum, you need to come with us. : ''[Dr. Meechum scoffs]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': Took you long enough. : '''Rex''': Time in. : '''White Knight''': Still no sign of Circe, Rex. We'll keep looking, but for right now, Meechum is our top priority. : '''Dr. Holiday''': We'll find her, Rex. Don't worry. : '''White Knight''': In the meantime, Dr. Meechum, I've checked, and your daughter is safe at her boarding school in England. : '''Dr. Meechum''': My daughter. Right. : '''White Knight''': We can make immediate arrangements to take you to her. : '''Dr. Meechum''': No, I'd rather stay with you if that's all right. It's, uh-- It's safer. : '''White Knight''': Of course. White Knight out. : '''Rex''': So, after that, Providence attacked Abysus to get the Master-Control Nanite. Guess you were next on their list. : '''Dr. Meechum''': I see. And all this happened in the last year? : '''Six''': You've missed a lot since you've been away, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Horrible. I could never work for a Providence like that. I have to say it's all very impressive. Providence has certainly done a lot in the last year. : '''Caesar''': And with your help, doctor, we can do more. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Where's White Knight? I should tell him I've arrived. : '''Black Knight''': I can answer that for you. It's good to have you back, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What happened to White? : '''Black Knight''': Just a routine change in command. Nothing to worry about. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Tell me you have my money ready. : '''Black Knight''': You get away you want when I get what I want... Not before. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Relax. : '''Six''': I'm a professional, aren't I? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six, see Meechum? I have some data I'd like to go over with him. Are you... okay? : '''Six''': Rebecca, I have something important to tell you. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Okay. Well... Thanks for tell me. : '''Six''': Rex, are you in here? I do not understand this show. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Am I interrupting? : '''Six''': Not at all. What can I do for you? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Nothing important. I just wanted to say... earlier... that was nice. Unexpected but nice. : '''Six''': Earlier? : '''Dr. Holiday''': In the lab? : '''Six''': I have no idea what you're talking about. : ''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' : '''Rex''': Six, I need to talk to you about Circe. Uh... Six? Earth to agent guy. You okay? : '''Six''': I'm fine. I've just decided not to waste any more time on you, Rex. : '''Rex''': Um... Is this because I accidentaly used your swords to slice a pizza? : '''Six''': It's because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to complete the mission. : '''Rex''': Ohh, I get it. This is one of your test, right? : '''Six''': No test. Just me coming to my senses. You're not strong enough to survive what's coming. In the end, you're gonna let us all down. : ''[Dr. Holiday crying]'' : '''Rex''': Doc? What's wrong? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' I-It's nothing, Rex. I didn't want you to see me like this. : '''Rex''': Well, what is it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' It's Six. I'm afraid of him. : '''Rex''': What?! That's crazy talk. : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' Is it? You have to have seen it. He's violent, on edge. He's losing control. : '''Rex''': Are we talking about the same Six? : '''Dr. Holiday''': We don't even known him. He was a killer, Rex. The old Six might have changed, but how do we know this Six didn't come back... Wrong? : ''[Dr. Meechum whistling]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': I have a question. How do you plan to re-create the project without a bio-interface expert? : '''Caesar''': Oh, but we do have one. : '''Van Kleiss''': No! The string doesn't work. Gordian knot, tied up tight. Alexander cheated. Can't cheat. Eyes on your own paper! Peter? No! Can't be! Different time, different me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Van Kleiss? You brought back that monster? : '''Caesar''': Of course. He was the original interface programmer. Who better? : '''Dr. Meechum''': Excuse me a moment. White, what the heck is going on?! : '''White Knight''': Peter? Where are you? : '''Dr. Meechum''': I'm at Providence. Where are you? : '''White Knight''': Providence. But that's not-- I have to go. We have a problem. : '''Rex''': You're darn right we have a problem, because this isn't Peter Meechum! : ''[Dr. Meechum laughing maniacally]'' : '''Scarecrow''': Heya, Rex. Miss me? : '''Rex''': Who are you? Where's Meechum? : '''White Knight''': His name's John Scarecrow. He's an EVO, specialist in infiltration. Black Knight played us. : '''Scarecrow''': You really don't remember me, Rex? I'll give you a hint. We used to share a stomping ground. We had a problem with a shapes hifter once. : '''Rex''': You were in Hong Kong. : '''Scarecrow''': Give the man a prize. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Six''': I think he went that way. : '''Rex''': Wait a minute. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Rex''': I cannot believe I fell for that. : '''Scarecrow''': Look at you. You're ridiculous. You think he'll come to his senses, realize his true feelings? Then what? You'll settle down. White picket fence. Little agent kids. You're fooling yourself. You're the worst of them... you know that?... Because you know better. You really think you can save the world? None of you can survive what's coming! : '''Rex''': Prove it's really you. What's my favorite color? : '''Six''': I have no idea. : '''Rex''': It's you, all right. : ''[Dr. Holiday screaming]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Put it away. I'm not the EVO. : '''Six''': We heard you scream. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That wasn't me. : '''Six''': Let's all calm down. We can figure this out. : '''Rex''': Why, Six? Because I'm weak? You don't think I can handle this? : '''Six''': I never said that. : '''Rex''': But you think it, right? I don't see you putting down your guns, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday''': I know it's not me. I'm not sure about you two. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Scarecrow''': So easy. I barely had to nudge you. : '''Rex''': Whatever you're after, you're not getting away with it. : '''Scarecrow''': Get away with it?! Re-e-e-x, I got what I needed in the first five minutes. : '''Rex''': Then why? Why do all this? : '''Scarecrow''': Simple. I wanted to do to you what you did to me. : '''Rex''': I'm done with you! : ''[Scarecrow groans]'' : '''Scarecrow''': The big hero. Why do you get to forget? It's not fair! : '''Rex''': Whine, whine, whine. What... you didn't get enough crazy hugs as a kid? : '''Scarecrow''': You think I'm the only one you hurt? Then tell me-- : '''Skwydd''': What about us? Why'd you betray me? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Circe:''' You promised to protect me, Rex. Where were you? : '''Rex:''' Stop it! : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex breathing heavily]'' : '''Caesar''': Face it, bro. It's why I left you. Mom and dad, too. : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': You're your own worst enemy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That's for Rex. That's for Providence. And that was for the kiss. : '''White Knight''': Providence won this round. No question. : '''Rex''': They have the real Meechum. Maybe more. : '''Dr. Holiday''': There's no telling how much of our system Scarecrow uploaded. : '''Six''': But we have to assume they know everything we do. : ''[Scarecrow laughs evilly]'' : '''White Knight''': Black Knight is coming for us. It's just a matter of time. : '''Dr. Holiday''': So? I mean, we knew that. Nothing's changed, right? : '''Six''': Rex, this is what they wanted-- To turn us against each other. : '''Rex''': Yeah, and look how easy it was. We thought we were a team, but we're not. We're vulnerable. : '''Van Kleiss''': It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Looking past Occam's Razor, we can clearly see to a quantum level. A quantum level is what I'm trying to achieve, because if I didn't do the quantum level, then I can understand what's happening. : '''Caesar''': I know you don't like this, but it's not about us. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Can you do it? Can you control him? : '''Caesar''': Leave Van Kleiss to me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What about Black Knight? I don't like her, Salazar. Never did. : '''Caesar''': Trust me, Peter-- When we're finished, the end will justify the means. ===Hermanos=== :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-OA! Unh! Ugh! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Agent Six''': Be careful, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm touched by your concern, Six. :'''Agent Six''': It's not for you. We don't have Providence to pick up the tab anymore. You break it, you buy it. :''[Rex growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm saving the day here. What are they gonna do--Sue me? Oh, come on! It was a rhetorical question! What was I supposed to do? The whole building was made of glass! :'''Lawyer''': ''[Hispanic accent]'' Glass? What are you talking about? :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm... not talking about anything. What are you talking about? :'''Lawyer''': Mr. Salazar, I'm an associate at the stateside branch of the Argentinean firm Gomez and Gomez. And today, sir, is your lucky day! :'''Rex Salazar''': What's this? :'''Lawyer''': It's yours! :'''Noah Nixon''': No away! This is your house? :'''Rex Salazar''': I know! According to the lawyer guy, this rancho in Argentina's been in my family forever. And ever since my parents died in the event, those lawyers have been trying to track down the heir. And guess who that is. :'''Noah Nixon''': You and your brother? :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, yeah, right. Him too. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': Dude, it's never a good time, but you go to-- O...kay, so maybe this really isn't a good time, but this is important. I was being chased by a lawyer. No, I wasn't being sued this time. But you'll never guess what he-- :'''Caesar Salazar''': Is this about the rancho? :'''Rex Salazar''': You know about it? :'''Caesar Salazar''': Those lawyers have left me a dozen messages. :'''Rex Salazar''': And you didn't tell me? Caesar, I never even knew we had this place! There might be photo albums, home movies-- I don't know-- maybe even an old teddy bear or something. :'''Caesar Salazar''': You never had a teddy bear. :'''Rex Salazar''': See, the fact that you know that and I don't-- that's why we need to go down there. :'''Lawyer''': Clear! :'''Caesar Salazar''': I can't, Rex. My work's already been interrupted once today. Although... Now that you mention the ranch, it does bring back some memories. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? Like what? :'''Caesar Salazar''': There was an experiment I remember mom and dad running. If you could find the notes, it might save some time on the work I'm doing now. :'''Rex Salazar''': Notes? Come on. Isn't family more important than-- Guess not. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Why can't I have a normal brother? Know anything about cows? Thanks for coming with me. This is really a family thing, but my brother is, well-- My brother. :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you kidding? I'm psyched! I've been killing myself trying to find a birthday present for Claire. A vacation at my best friend's awesome ancestral estate? What other guy could offer her that? :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, but then why bring Annie? :'''Annie''': Um, this just kind of broke off. :''[Annie, Claire and Noah screaming]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': AAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I sure hope this isn't included in Six's "You break it, you buy it" policy. :'''Annie''': Sorry. :'''Rex Salazar''': No problem. We're here. :'''Claire Bowman''': Are... you sure this is the place? :'''Noah Nixon''': What happened to it? :'''Annie''': Hey, don't look at me. I just got there. :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Annie''': Okay, that was me. :'''Rex Salazar''': I guess this must be my... family. :'''Claire Bowman''': Looks like you-- But with a 'stache. :'''Annie''': I like you with a 'stache. :'''Claire Bowman''': Hey, there are chickens in here! :'''Annie''': And llamas! :'''Noah Nixon''': Chicken, llamas-- And a funny-looking bull. :''[Chiquito snorts]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I-I-I take it back! You're not funny-looking! :'''Chiquito''': This place is Durango's! :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, actually-- :'''Chuquito''': No fancy talk! Just go! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Okay, number one, how is "actually" fancy talk! Number two, I don't know who Durango is, but this farm isn't his. And number three-- :''[Chiquito grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Ugh! All right, there's no misunderstanding the international language of getting punched in the face. So read my fist-- Get out of my house! :'''Chiquito''': Durango will not be happy! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, don't know who that guy was, but problem solved. :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh, you think? Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Calmate, Chiquito. You are my brother. I would not do anything to hurt mi hermano. Unless you force me to. I cannot lose that tract of land. Without its right of way, I will lose my claim on the rest of the county. But never mind. They will learn-- When you mess with the bull, you get the horns. :'''Rex Salazar''': OHHH! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': A chicken just tried to poop on my shoe! :'''Rex Salazar''': I think I can top you there. :'''Noah Nixon''': No offense, but when I asked Claire to come here, this wasn't what I was hoping for. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, me either. I mean, I was thinking I'd find-- I don't know what. But everything in this place has been smashed or stolen. Maybe this whole family thing isn't for me. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': That's the one! :'''Claire Bowman''': Please, Noah. It just needed a little help laying an egg. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[Chuckling]'' What, did you grow up on a farm in Kansas? :'''Claire Bowman''': An apartment in Chicago-- Which is where I learned to download videos onto my phone. :'''Telephone Voice''': When caring for an egg bearing hen, remember to-- :'''Muchado''': Hola? Quien esta aquí? :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh... hello? :'''Muchado''': So, you are the Americans? I am Señor Muchado-- The juez. :'''Claire Bowman''': That's like a judge? :'''Muchado''': Sí. For all intents and purposes, I am the law in this county-- Which is why I have come here with him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Good, because I definitely want to press charges. :'''Muchado''': You misunderstand. I am here because of the trouble you caused for Chiquito. :'''Rex Salazar''': Chiquito? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Your mom must have some sense of humor to name you "Tiny". :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Muchado''': Chiquito's brother is Señor Durango. He controls most of the land in this county, including this hacienda. At Señor Durango's request, I have prepared a legal order compelling you to vacate. :'''Claire Bowman''': But this is Rex's farm. :'''Annie''': Yeah, he's got a deed and everything. :'''Muchado''': This might have some bearing-- If you were a Salazar. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, we're in luck. I am. :'''Annie''': Maybe this will help. :'''Muchado''': You may be a Salazar, but by our law, this land has been deemed abandoned, and Señor Durango has claimed it. :'''Rex Salazar''': Sorry. Been sort of busy saving the world and stuff. But I'm here now, so consider his claim unclaimed, then reclaimed by me. :'''Muchado''': It is not so simple. You would have to demonstrate you are actively maintaining the ranch. That means shearing and feeding the animals, bringing your bulls to market-- :'''Rex Salazar''': To market? What, like a... cattle drive? :'''Claire Bowman''': No problem. We can totally figure out how to do that. :'''Muchado''': A ranch this size requires at least a dozen hired men. :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, just... uh... :'''Muchado''': No one within 100 kilometers will help you cross Señor Durango. If you do this, you will do it alone. And you will fail. :'''Claire Bowman''': Well, that guy was kind of a jerk. :'''Annie''': Yeah. So, let's get to work. :'''Noah Nixon''': How? Everything here is broken. :'''Annie''': Uh, have you seen my house? :'''Rex Salazar''': You guys don't have to do this. :'''Claire Bowman''': What kind of friend would walk away now? :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh... yeah! No way you could stop me from helping take care of these totally not-gross animals. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, I'm smiling like that's what I mean, aren't? :''[Noah exhales deeply]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I can do this! I can't do this. Until I've done my milking warm-up. :'''Claire Bowman''': Ugh. Hold this. :'''Telephone Voice''': With you head resting on her flank, gently grasp the udder with the palm of your hand. :'''Noah Nixon''': AAH! :''[Claire giggles]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': I think she likes you. :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': This is your home. Get in your home! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Whoa! AAAH! AAH! Ugh! This is hopeless! This farm only has one bull, and I can't even get it into the barn. And this... better just be mud. :'''Annie''': Hang on! I'll help you! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No! Don't! :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you guys okay? :'''Claire Bowman''': What is it? A storm cellar? :'''Noah Nixon''': Looks like some kind of lab. :'''Rex Salazar''': Figures. My mom and dad were Caesar's parents, too. Of course they'd find a way to take work home with them. Probably where those notes Caesar wanted are. Might as well grab them before the judge kicks us out. :'''Claire Bowman''': What's he talking about? I think we're doing a pretty good job taking care of the-- :'''Annie''': Uh, guys-- :''[Claire grunts]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Wait-- Donkeys eat hay, don't they? Maybe we can use it to lure them back into the barn. :'''Annie''': I got it! Ugh! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, on the plus side, at least we now know for sure that donkeys do eat hay. :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day, these things are going to change the world, and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': ''[chuckling]'' Caesar, please, mi hijo. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay! Okay! :''[Claire sniffs]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': What's that smell? :'''Noah Nixon''': Which one? Everything here smells. :'''Claire Bowman''': No, it smells like... smoke! :'''Annie''': Rex! The straw caught on fire, and it exploded! :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Chiquito''': Hermano! No! Oomph! :'''Senior Durango''': What were you thinking? I told you to smoke them out, not burn the land! This is my land! If you weren't my brother-- :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Senior Durango''': But you are. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, you must be the brother. Hope I'm not interrupting some kind of weird tender moment. :'''Senior Durango''': Soy Durango. And I hope there is still a chance we can reach a resonable agreement. :'''Claire Bowman''': So, then you'll let Rex keep the farm? We played by the rules. :'''Senior Durango''': Around here, I make the rules. :'''Annie''': But the judge said-- :'''Senior Durango''': The judge works for me. Now, please, I'm giving you one last chance to leave. :'''Noah Nixon''': Okay, sure! Oh, wait-- That's right. Your fire blew up what was left of our plane! :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh, let me handle the trash-talking with the 20-foot-tall monster EVO, okay? Leave them out of this! They shouldn't even be here! It should have been my brother! :'''Senior Durango''': That is why you will lose your farm. Without family, a man is nothing. After all, what is this land to them? :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't even know what this place is to me. I came here hoping to find out more about who my family is. :''[Rex start looking at Noah, Claire and Annie, and smile to them]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': And I did. So, you're going to stop threatening them-- And me-- And get off my land. :''[Durango snarls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay. Here's the plan-- Stay behind me! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, there goes that plan. :'''Senior Durango''': Hurt them. You can do that, can't you? :'''Claire Bowman''': W-what do we do now?! :'''Annie''': The only one of us with powers just got kicked to the curb. :'''Noah Nixon''': That depends on what you mean by "powers". :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex muffled grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Not a good time, Caesar. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just wanted to tell you-- Forget about those notes. I realized that's not what's important about you going down there. :''[Durango snarls]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wow, Caesar. I can't believe you came around. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just realized-- The really important thing is, if you happen to find a termo-chronometer I remember having down there, it would save me from ordering one. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito growls]'' :''[Chiquito snarls, roars]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Chiquito snorts]'' <hr width80%> :[''On videotape of the Salazar family]'' :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day these things are going to change the world and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': Cesar, please miquito. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay, okay. <hr width80%> :'''Noah Nixon''': This morning, I almost had to touch a cow's underparts. You think you can do me worse than that? Bring it. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito roars]'' :'''Annie''': Ugh! I didn't mean for that to happen. :'''Claire Bowman''': We did. :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ugh! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! :'''Senior Durango''': OOMPH! :''[Durango lows]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-O-O-O O-OA! :''[Durango lows]'' :''[Durango snorts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Durango growls]'' :''[Durango growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Trust me-- My brother's let me down way worse. But what am I gonna do? He's my brother. :'''Senior Durango''': It is over. :'''Rex Salazar''': Nice ego there, but I've been hit a lot harder. :''[Durango spits]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Those bells signal the market is ending soon. I can see you have yet to herd you cattle there. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, come on! The one cattle I've got doesn't even move! :'''Senior Durango''': If you do not have your cattle to market before it ends, you will have failed to fulfill your deed, and this land will be mine. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then I guess I don't have any time to waste talking about it. :'''Claire Bowman''': Come on. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': Forget it. I got this. :'''Claire Bowman''': WHOO-HOO! Yes! Go, Rex! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Where's Durango? :'''Rex Salazar''': OWW! Come on! You don't move the whole time, and you can't stay still? :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': What is this, a western? You're actually trying to stop him with a rockslide? :'''Senior Durango''': You? Here? How is that even possible? :'''Telephone Voice''': Donkeys can be ridden surprinsingly fast if you-- :'''Noah Nixon''': Come on! Just give up! The farm belong to Rex. And I really want to get off this thing. :'''Senior Durango''': You think I'm afraid of you ''[scoffs]'' boy? :'''Claire Bowman''': Oh, it's not the boy you should be afraid of. :'''Annie''': Oops. :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Ugh! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': We sheared the llamas, we milked the cows, I got the bull to town. We did everything in the deed. :'''Muchado''': Sí, sí. But more important, you faced Durango and won! Once the other ranchers hear of this, they won't be afraid. You have broken Durango's hold on our lands. :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait-- You're... happy about that? :'''Muchado''': Of course. I told you exactly what you had to do to legally gain control of the land, didn't I? :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh. I guess you did. :'''Claire Bowman''': Wow! Can you believe how you perfect this all worked out? :'''Noah Nixon''': Yeah, uh, so, maybe we should get out of here before we wear out our welcome. :'''Rex Salazar''': There's just one thing I want to do first. ===The Rescue=== :''Note'': Rex goes alone to rescue his girlfriend Circe from the clutches of Black Knight. but it turns out she has been waiting for him. <hr width80%> ===Alone Together=== :''Note'': Finally together at last, Rex and Circe reminiscence about their good and hard times together ans their romance begins to grow. ===Retribution=== ===Temporary Insanity=== ===Crime and Punishment=== :''Note:'' His false insanity revealed, Van Kleiss abducts Circe with the intent of punishing her for betraying him, due to her enduring love for Rex. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, Circe, you shall learn the ultimate price of betraying me. :'''Rex:''' ''Leave her alone!!'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, Rex. For young love. One of your greatest weaknesses. After I finish off your beloved, you will no longer be a hindrance to me. :'''Rex''' (''enraged'')''':''' I ''said''...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! <hr width80%> ===Shadowed Past=== ===Separation Anxiety=== ===Brotherly Love=== ===Rocky My World=== :'''Beverly:''' Oh, this is so awesome! We're seeing the Trendbenders live! :'''Rex:''' Well, maybe not see them, but we'll totally hear them. :'''Sebastian''': Attention! The Trendbenders will be arriving through the back of the club. :'''Beverly:''' Slick trick! Yes, Rebecca. I know! Only drink the bottled water. No, we're not that close to the stage. Ugh! I know that's where they mosh-pit. Don't worry! Bye! :'''Rex:''' Your sister is acting like your mother. I wouldn't put up with it. Doc?! I'm right next to her! Yes, we've got earplugs. Only bottled water-- I know! Yes, you'll pick us up at 11:00. Okay! Bye! :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' I met a guy who has looking for a lucky break. I met a guy mad he wouldn't make a mistake. No loser here the weight would be upon his face. This ain't no lucky break it's just another day. :'''Beverly:''' Hey! :'''Rex:''' There's something wrong with that guy. :'''Beverly:''' Yeah! It's called lack of social skills. :'''Sebastian:''' We have to talk! You got to listen to me! :'''Rex:''' I think they're a little too busy for a chat right now. :'''Sebastian:''' It's me! Your first fan! :'''Rex:''' Come on, dude. Can't you just watch the show, like everyone else? :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' You won't bring me down. Yeah-yeah-yeah. You won't bring me down. :'''Sebastian:''' I'm not just everyone else. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' You want to rethink trying to stop me? :'''Beverly:''' Whoa! Geek in triplicate! :'''Rex:''' More like EVO geek. :'''Sebastian:''' I bet you're not even a real fan! :'''Rex:''' Hey, I know their music! :'''Sebastian:''' Yeah? What album is "Bitten on the Wind" from? :'''Beverly:''' Uh, their first album. :'''Sebastian:''' Wrong! Their third! Poser! :'''Sly:''' Here's one from our first album-- "Bitten on the Wind." :'''Beverly:''' Told ya! Their first album! Who's the poser now? :'''Sebastian:''' But it is their third. They keep denying their first two albums exist! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :''[Rex bones cracking]'' :'''Rex:''' Shouldn't you be home, making sure your mom isn't snooping around your basement? Ouch! All right, I've had enough. :'''Sebastian:''' I know you. You're that guy from Providence that beats up on EVOs. :'''Rex:''' And I'm guessing you're not one of my fans. :'''Sebastian:''' This isn't over! They still need me to show them the way back. I'll make them listen to me.. No matter what! Ugh! :'''Man:''' No re-entry without a hand stamp. :'''Rex:''' Uh, but-- :'''JoJo:''' It's okay. He's with me. I'm JoJo, the band's manager. :'''Beverly:''' Oh! Sly Tyler, vocals, six-stringer. Burrito Beau on the big bottom, and Leon Adler on the skins. :'''Beau:''' Bass. Drums. :'''Beverly:''' They're even cutter up close! :'''JoJo:''' But Sebastian isn't. And now that fruitcake fan has become a major menace. :'''Rex:''' You know who that guy is? :'''Sly:''' Yeah, he's one of our first fans from way back. :'''Leon:''' But he didn't like our change in music direction. :'''Beau:''' Change, like in popular. :'''Sly:''' So he started sending us nasty e-mails and slagging us on the fan sites. :'''JoJo:''' But now he's turned violent, and it turns out he's... H-he's... :'''Rex:''' An EVO that can multiply himself. :'''JoJo:''' We can't handle that kind of threat, but you can. :'''Beverly:''' Is this a job offer? :'''JoJo:''' As head of security for the rest of the tour. :'''Rex:''' Huh, I don't know. Putting up with groupies, great music, catering, the Rock'n'roll lifestyle-- Oh, right, like I'm not totally in for this! :'''Beverly:''' And I'm your deputy, sheriff. :'''Sly:''' Absolutely. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Absolutely not. :'''Rex:''' They've got an EVO threat. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Fine, Rex. Beverly? And don't forget to use earplugs. :'''Rex:''' Private jet to the next gig? Airline-- First class? Coach? :'''JoJo:''' Of the road kind. :'''Rex:''' Traveling the open road, bringing music to the people. Where to next? :'''Beau:''' Eugene, Oregon. ''[Unenthusiastically]'' WHOO-HOO! :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Leon:''' Bad seat. Got a lot of them. :''[Beau farts]'' :''[Rex sniffs]'' :'''Leon and Rex:''' Oh! :''[Leon coughs]'' :'''Leon:''' Isn't the ozone layer depleted enough, Beau? :'''Rex:''' Want to hit the streets and check out the local scene? :'''Sly:''' Seriously, man? It's just another town. :'''Beau:''' Been there. Seen them all. :'''TV Announcer:''' He's currently under 3, 2 behind the leader. This is a very tricky-- :'''Rex:''' Oh, let's throw this in the pool! :'''Leon:''' Hey, I'm watching something, dude! :'''Rex:''' How about a food fight? :'''Sly:''' Sorry, man. Not feeling it. :'''Rex:''' This isn't feeling very Rock'n'Roll. :'''JoJo:''' Rex, we hired you to consult on security, not rock-tour clichés. :'''Sebastian:''' Room service. :'''JoJo:''' Again? You guys, this is costing too much. :'''Sly:''' But we didn't order anything else. :'''Sebastian:''' That's okay. This is on the house! :''[Sebastian grunts]'' :''[JoJo gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Look out! He's got... Paperwork? :'''Sebastian:''' I've got notes and visuals on where you've gone commercial and how you can get back to your roots! He's with the band now? He's not even a real fan! You see? You've got to come with me. You need my help! :'''Rex:''' They're not going anywhere, but you are! :'''Sebastian:''' My copies don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But you do! :'''Girl:''' Whoa! You must really be a big fan! :'''Sebastian:''' Only of their early stuff. :'''Girl:''' Eww! Their early stuff is weak. :'''Teen girl:''' But their new songs are awesome! :''[Girls giggling]'' :''[Sebastian growls]'' :''[Girls screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. I'm with the band. :'''Teen girl:''' But you missed your ride. :'''Rex:''' That's okay. I've got my own. :'''Man:''' Rock bands! Never again! :'''Sebastian:''' I've got to take you away from this sellout existence, where you deny your first two albums even exist. :'''Sly:''' B-but those albums weren't any good. That's why we only had a few fans, like you. :'''Rex:''' If there's only three of them, then who's driving the car? :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Did he... Ah! Rent that car from the circus? Time to cut this act short. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' Oh, man. I went to my first Trendbenders show in that car. :'''Rex:''' Maybe I can't turn off your obsession, but I can shut down your nanites. :'''Beau:''' That clone-boy? :'''Rex:''' I don't think he's going to be a problem now. :'''JoJo:''' We can still use you on the tour. What did you say? :'''Rex:''' Yes! :'''Sly:''' Good man! ''[singing]'' You see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", kill your radio, you live a life for all to see, sometimes it's right, sometimes obscene, now you're the enemy, it's one for all and all for me, unlocking doors and misery, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, it isn't all, that it's cracked up to be, I never thought it'd be so easy, I wouldn't have it any other way, you see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah". :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Sly:''' At least we got a day off before the next gig. :'''JoJo:''' Guys, a club owner in fleeceburg just offered us amazing money. I booked it. :'''Rex:''' For when? :'''JoJo:''' We're already running late. :'''Sly:''' They're paying money for us to play in this dump? :'''JoJo:''' Big money. Come on. You're on in ten minutes. :'''Rex:''' I'm guessing ticket sales are a little slow. :'''Leon:''' Are we breaking up? :'''Beau:''' This dive seems awfully familiar. :'''Sebastian:''' It should. :'''Rex:''' That voice seems awfully familiar! :'''Teens:''' Dude! Nobody move! What's going on? Who's touching me? What is this? Excuse me. What is going on? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I built an exact replica of the first club you played in. :'''Beau:''' Hey, that's one of my puke stains. Fruitcake knows his details. :'''Rex:''' But I cured you. :'''Sebastian:''' Hmm... That was a copy, not the original. :'''Sly:''' Whatever. When's this gonna end, fan-boy? :'''Sebastian:''' It ends tonight. Check the floor at your feet. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I've given up trying to get you back to your roots. So now you'll play what I want to hear for the next hour. And then your career ends with a bang. :'''Sly:''' On behalf of the band, I'd like to thank our manager, JoJo, for booking this totally insane gig! :''[JoJo laughs nervously]'' :'''Sebastian:''' The sound of cold, hard cash is the only music sellouts like you listen to anymore. :'''Rex:''' They're not sellouts. They just got more popular than you wanted. :'''Sebastian:''' You try anything, and I'll end their last gig prematurely. You're only alive because I want you to see what the Trendbenders used to be like. For the next hour give me the early stuff, when you were cool. :'''Sly:''' Why bother? You're gonna nuke us, anyway. :'''Sebastian:''' Because if you don't play, this happens! :'''Sly:''' Aah! :'''Leon, Sly and Beau:''' No more! :'''Sly:''' Okay, dude, what's the first number? :'''Sebastian:''' "Crawling undertow"! :'''Sly:''' Well, how does it feel? :'''Sebastian:''' First album, seventh song. Fifth song on the Japanese import. :'''Sly:''' To get that weight back on our shoulders-- :'''Sebastian:''' You're giving it a beat that wasn't in the original, man! Not even in the remix from the box set. Play it right this time! I'm missing the concert because of you! :'''Rex:''' Stinks to be you. Got to cure the real Sebastian. But which one is the mother ship? :'''Sebastian:''' You can't even play your old songs like you used to. Total disappointment. Let's end this bummer concert. :'''Sly:''' But we still have over a half-hour left! :'''Sebastian:''' Last song, no encore. :'''Rex:''' Tell me who's the original, or I'll turn you into dessert topping! :'''Sebastian:''' You don't scare me. I don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But the real Sebastian does. Sly! Maximum feedback! Now! Thanks, Doc. :'''Sebastian''': AAAHHHH! :'''Rex:''' How do you like their new hit, Sebastian Prime? Here's another new groove you're not going to like. :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Congrats. You're back to being a solo act. :'''Sebastian:''' You've got to listen to me! :''[Sebastian yelling]'' :'''Rex:''' Kidnapping, assault and battery, construction without a permit-- that should keep him away for years. :'''JoJo:''' Have to say it, guys, but we've got a gig in toledo to get to. Security? :'''Rex:''' Not anymore. Sebastian's done, and so am I. :'''Sly:''' Dude, I thought you wanted the rock'n'roll lifestyle. :'''Rex:''' I'm not tough enough for it. I need to get back to something easier, like city-smashing EVOs and conspiracies to take over the world. :'''Beau:''' Don't know what your missing. :'''Rex:''' I think do. But I don't miss this. Yes, doc? Don't need my earplugs anymore. I quit. Will you let me tell you? No, the EVO threat wasn't just an excuse. Well, I'm coming back! Will you let-- Doc! ===Lost and Found=== ===My Brother's Keeper=== ===Target: the Consortium=== : '''Jungle Cat:''' You are...? : '''Rex:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. What are you? : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : '''Rex:''' HUNH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex gasps deeply]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. That was a total zero on the fun meter. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Learning how to communicate with the nanite world isn't about fun. Did you get anywhere at all? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. I connected with a Master Control Nanite for a second, and then I lost it. But I also got, like, this feeling that something's about to happen in the nanite world. Something... big. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Argh! This is Rylander's speciality, not mine. There's no way I can cover for him. : '''Caesar:''' Not to worry, Dr. Meechum. You won't have to any longer. Dr. Rylander will take over from here. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Oh, really, Caesar? From his current location of beyond the grave? : '''Rylander:''' Actually, Peter, I was never completely dead-- just spread a little thin-- ''[chuckling]'' Moleculary speaking. Caesar's been working on putting me back together. : '''Black Knight:''' All of them together-- At last. Contact the Consortium. We now have something to show them. Something big. : '''White Knight:''' Even having two of the Master Control Nanites doesn't change the vital importance of finding the other three. But the latest intel I've received could give us a way to neutralize the group obsessed with these machines. : '''Six:''' The Consortium. : '''Rex:''' Aren't those the money guys that bankrolled the Nanite Project in Providence? : '''White Knight:''' The same. Formerly made-up of six members, but now five-- Reddick, made his wealth in real estate and construction. Vostock, black market finance and KGB... Zanubian, arms dealing and shipping. Roswell, oil and minerals. Anthony Haden-Scott, worldwide media. : ''[Rex munches]'' : '''Rex:''' Should we be writing this down for the pop quiz later? : '''White Knight:''' You may be facing them soon because of the efforts of our stealthiest agent. : '''Rex:''' Mm! Thank you! I think. : '''Jungle Cat:''' He's not talking about you. : '''Rex:''' Hey! It's Evo-cat guy! Uh... sorry-- What's your name? O...kay, cat with no collar, what's in the sack? Bunch of canaries? Well, that's... something. : '''White Knight:''' Our associate has been tracking the Consortium with a little help from a former member. : '''Rex:''' I remember him! He's the one Rylander got revenge on with an EVO love letter. : '''Jungle Cat:''' That he never recovered from. But he's still full of useful knowledge about the other members. : '''Rex:''' As long as you have a towel handy for the answers. : '''Jungle Cat:''' The Consortium has financed a new facility for nanite research. All of them will be at that location within the next six hours. : '''Six:''' And so will we. : '''White Knight:''' A rare opportunity like this can't be missed. You three will capture the Consortium and bring them to a secure location. Understood? : '''Rex:''' Purrfectly. : '''Black Knight:''' Gentlemen, I wanted you here today to-- : '''Reddick:''' "Wanted?" Sounds like a command. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You get to ask, not order. : '''Black Knight:''' I'm sorry. Let me restate. I asked you here because I can now present some major developments in your quest. I finished construction on the nanite reactor and reassembled against all odds the original science team to run it. Doctors Meechum, systems expert. Salazar, artificial intelligence. Rylander, microengineering. And Van Kleiss, biomechanical integration. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Nanite's recorder locked in. Hologram Rylander saves money on meals. Glow, glow, glow, yipper. : ''[Van Kleiss smooches]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' A human flashlight and a brain-fried babbler. This is what I'm supposed to work with. : '''Vostok:''' Looks like your geniuses have some issues. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' ''[British accent]'' I seem to recall there were two other Salazars on the team. : '''Black Knight:''' They're dead-- And just as well. Considering their actions are responsible for our setbacks, I highly doubt they would have cooperated. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Black Pawns:''' Ohh! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Black Pawns got to talk to their costume designer. Way too stuffy. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Be quiet. : '''Six:''' Our target? : '''Roswell:''' ''[Southern accent]'' Little lady, I'm hoping you didn't get me out here just to watch some lab jockeys do their homework. : '''Vostok:''' I know I've got better things to do. : '''Black Knight:''' Aside from the all-important reassembly of the science team and activation of the nanite reactor, I do have another development to show you. : '''Roswell:''' Yeah? What else you got? : '''Black Knight:''' An acquisition. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' What's wrong with you? : '''Rex:''' Forget the Consortium! I know where we can find a Master-Control Nanite. : '''Six:''' Where? : '''Rex''': Here. : '''Six:''' We're doing both. You two get the nanite, I'll get the Consortium. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' On of the five? That's all? : '''Reddick:''' You know we need all of the Master-Control Nanites to do us any good. : '''Vostok:''' What about the two you lost? And the other two still out there? : '''Black Knight:''' We'll have the other four in due time. Take this back to the vault. But remember that each one has its own useful powers. : '''Roswell:''' Not enough to drag me all the way out there, little lady. : '''Black Knight:''' "Black Knight". : '''Black Pawns:''' You're not one of us. : '''Six:''' Stay clear of the Pawns. They're not buying our cover. Repeat-- Stay clear of the Pawns. : '''Rex:''' Steel door. A vault! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' That was close. : '''Rex:''' Got it. Have to be as stealthy as you from now on. : ''[Jungle Catsnarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Van Kleiss! : ''[Jungle Cat muffled grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Way not to be stealthy. Sorry, cat guy. I know you want payback for him turning you into stone and all, but the nanite is more important. : '''Black Pawns:''' Security alert. Intruder. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' You find the nanite. I'll be a diversion. <hr width80%> : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' She has shown us some progress. That one nanite is significant in itself. : '''Reddick:''' It's all five or nothing. Or are you thinking of working a separate deal with the one? : '''Vostok:''' Can we please not talk like this while those two are in the room? : '''Roswell:''' Yeah, Xanubian, put a sock in all your yammerin'. : '''Black Pawns:''' Another intruder at security zone three. It's Agent Six. : '''Rex:''' Gotcha. : '''Black Pawns:''' Unh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' I'll take that. Six! I've got the nanite! : '''Six:''' Meet your outside. : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' I've got it! Let's scat, cat! : '''Black Knight:''' If he's here-- So is Rex. Vault security, come in. : '''Reddick:''' Is there a problem? : '''Black Knight:''' A minor security issue. I'm taking care of it. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You better, little lady. : '''Rex:''' Well, mission half accomplished. : '''Six:''' This should complete it. : '''Rex:''' You planted a bomb?! : '''Six:''' Plan "B". : '''Rex:''' The cat! He's still inside! No!! We've got to go back for the cat! He's on his own mission. Van Kleiss is there. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Black Pawns:''' Black Knight, shouldn't we evacuate? : '''Black Knight:''' The security threat has been removed. Among other things. Track them, find them. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Interlace template, instal copper buffers, hold the mayo, set core temp, heat cold fries. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Remember me? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Someone let the cat in. : '''Jungle Cat:''' You cast me aside as if I was garbage. Turned me to stone. Drained me of life-- Almost. Now it's your turn to suffer. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Had a kitty once. Not you. Bubbles liked catnip and parsnips. Chapped lips. Hip, hip, hooray! : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're here to clean up, ask for directions, not Dr. Screwloose. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Meechum. Bro. He's here to put Van Kleiss out of the world's misery. Give me a reason why he shouldn't. : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Rylander:''' Because the world needs him right now, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander! How did you-- : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' You got it to work. : '''Rylander:''' I've looked better, I'll admit, but I'm still very much alive. And so happy to see you again. : '''Rex:''' If you could bring him back-- : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. It won't work for mom and dad. : '''Rex:''' So, you've come back-- But you're working for them! It seems crazy, I know, but look at our progress-- The nanite reactor is almost operational. : '''Rex:''' Not if I destroy it. : '''Black Knight:''' Surround them. : '''Caesar:''' Trust me, hermano, We're doing the right thing. : '''Rex:''' You keep saying that, but I don't believe it anymore! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Bubbles, I'm sorry. Here, kitty, kitty. Left you out in the rain, rain go away-- : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! Easy on the hot sauce, Peter, Peter pumpkin two seater. : '''Rylander:''' Tell him, Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Tell me what? : '''Six:''' Revenge time is up. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat roars]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Aah! Careful! Our work! Ugh! Take it outside! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. : '''Rex:''' I can't talk now! Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Thank you. : '''Rex:''' You're so not welcome. : '''Black Knight:''' You should have left when you had the chance. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You guys have such a great cafeteria. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Had to come back for more. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Unh! : '''Six:''' Unh! : ''[Black Knight grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Six:''' UNNNNNNNNH! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' Let's say adiós. : '''Six:''' There's still plan "B". : '''Rex:''' We're not assassins. : '''Six:''' You're not. This might be our one chance. : '''Rex:''' To be like them? Then what makes us different? : '''Six:''' Go. I'm right behind you. : '''Roswell:''' You brought us into an ambush! Right behind you, Mr. Chatterbox. : '''Vostok:''' You are cowards. : '''Reddick:''' Graveyards are full of dummies that thought they were though. : '''Vostok:''' Black Knight, we have a lot to discuss about your future. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, let's talk. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Where's Six? : '''Rex:''' He said he was right behind us. : '''Six:''' I am. The Consortium still has to be dealt with. : '''Rex:''' We now have three Master Control Nanites. I'd say the Consortium has to deal with us. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Purrfectly. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I'm shocked. What happened? : '''Black Knight:''' It seems Vostok had an unfortunate run-in with our intruders as he was leaving. But, there's good news. The reactor is gone. Soon we will have all the nanites we need. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' I think it's time we walked about my promotion. ===Convergence=== ===Enter the Nanite World=== ===Enemies Mine=== : '''Valve:''' Battle is to be waged between your courage and my power. You lose. : '''Gatlocke:''' Valve, my friend. Lovely day for a riot, don't you think? : '''Valve:''' What do you want, Gatlocke? : '''Gatlocke:''' I want lots of things-- A doomsday weapon, my own private island, for my mom to stop calling me to fix her computer. But what I really want is to give you a message. It's time. I suppose I'll make the introductions. : '''Valve:''' A biker needs no introduction. And everyone knows Hunter Cain. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Everything is going according to plan. We get one more thing. Then we get wrecked. : '''Rex:''' Sorry we're late. : '''Bobo:''' We're not late. We're fashionably early. : '''Providence Agent:''' I was starting to think I was on my own. I've been calling for help, but Providence hasn't answered. : '''Six:''' What set this off? : '''Providence Agent:''' No idea. One moment everything was fine. The next moment, complete chaos. : '''Rex:''' I'm heading in. I'll lock up when I'm done. Oh, don't bother getting up. I'm just gonna knock you back down again. : '''Bobo:''' Back in your cages, you filthy animals! : '''Rex:''' Huh? What? You? It's a who's-who of old EVOs. Whew! Really not in the mood for this. You're kidding me. You?! : '''Gatlocke:''' Three men, one objective, no rules. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Or is it just me? : '''Valve:''' The others are saying that Rex is here. Rex will get his when we're ready. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Watch yourselves. This one's unpredictable. We know what you want, No-Face. Then we can give it to you. Do what we say. Then you'll get Rex. You'll get the chance to tear Rex apart. Piece by piece. Now we're ready. : '''Rex:''' So you remember who I am. Surprised you have a big enough brain for that. These cells are pretty dull. Let's redecorate. No way I'm letting an EVO get won over on me. Especially a big old frog. : '''Gatlocke:''' Almost out. Freedom is just a... Bottomless ravine away. : '''Valve:''' The biker begs the question, how are we getting across? : '''Gatlocke:''' You know that's not really how begging the question is supposed to be used. Are we kidding? Anyone who gets worked up over that phrase needs to be savagely beaten. : '''Hunter Cain:''' This'll override the drawbridge system. : '''Gatlocke:''' Ooh, now how would someone like you procure something like that? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Friends and hide places. : '''Rex:''' Okay, frog legs. Let's put you in solitary confinement. : '''Bobo:''' Do you look like you got run over by an overstuffed garbage truck? : '''Rex:''' Feels like it. This is a prison riot. Where's Providence? They should be all over this. : '''Six:''' They never responded to any calls. : '''Rex:''' It's a setup. Providence wanted this to happen. But why? : '''Six:''' Six here. Go ahead. : '''Rex:''' Wait. This bridge wasn't down before. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. About that. Some of the prisoners escaped together. Gatlocke... : '''Rex:''' That's bad. : '''Bobo:''' Hunter Cain... : '''Rex:''' That's even worse! : '''Bobo:''' Valve. : '''Rex:''' That's... Really? Valve? : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. And No-Face. : '''Rex:''' Those four are loose? Together? : '''Six:''' We've got a bigger problem. : '''Rex:''' How can it be bigger than this? : '''Six:''' The EVOs in the city-- The only thing keeping them tame are their control collars. : '''Rex:''' And this is a problem because...? : '''Six:''' Because someone has shut them all down. : '''Rex:''' Let me get that for you. : '''Bobo:''' Dumpster dog. Considering you used to ride around in the Paris, I guess you're moving up in the world. Main to your mud. : '''Six:''' Are you injured? : '''Rex:''' Just worn out. Is this day over yet? : '''Bobo:''' Oh! Signs pointing no. : '''Rex:''' Huh? That came from the track. Can you handle things here? : '''Bobo:''' Only one way to find out. Valve. Those nanite superchargers you keep using are bad for your health. : '''Valve:''' If I were you, I'd be more concerned with your own short-term health. : '''Rex:''' Please, like I have anything to worry about from you. The other three, they're dangerous. You, you're just comedy relief. : '''Valve:''' I am not. Comedy relief. : '''Rex:''' Well, you're not funny, that's for sure. : '''Valve:''' Like the road that continues on, so must the biker. : '''Rex:''' Where did he go so? Ew! Get away from my tacos, cockroach! Huh? You running away? I'll give you this much, Valve. Maybe you're getting smarter. : '''No-Face:''' Unlike you. : '''Rex:''' I put you away once, No-Face. I'll do it again. : '''No-Face:''' The one who makes machines. The one we've been waiting for. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Figures you try to shoot a guy in the back. : '''Hunter Cain:''' All I see is a filthy EVO. : '''Rex:''' Okay, first off, that Lai is tired. Second off, last time I checked, you're teaming up with one. Would that make you an EVO lover? All this hide and seek is wearing me down! Huh? Figures. : '''Gatlocke:''' Leaving so soon? That's not going to impress the hiring committee. Now, let's see what we have here. "Honor roll, A/V Club." Ugh. "Glee Club." ''[Scoffs]'' I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're perfect for my gang. Can you sing soprano? My last soprano drove his motorcycle off a cliff. He survived, but his voice was never the same. By the way, can you fly? This is quite the surprise. I'm willing to hire you, Rex, but you better have some excellent references. : '''Rex:''' Back to prison, Gatlocke! : '''Gatlocke:''' Then consider the offer rescinded! You could be a valued member of my gang. It's a tough job market out there, you know? : '''Rex:''' I'd never work for you! : '''Gatlocke:''' No, not with that attitude, you wouldn't. Welcome to my gang. Your first task is to destroy Rex-- That guy right there. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' Your second task is to complete harassment training. I teach the class. This pamphlet explains everything. : '''Rex:''' No, no, no! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, come in. What's happening? : '''Rex:''' One really bad day. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Your nanite readings are off the charts. : '''Rex:''' No surprise. I've been fighting and curing EVOs non stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We need to upload your nanites immediately. : '''Rex:''' Now? Doc, my four worst enemies are still on the loose. Well, my three worst enemies in Valve. Plus the city's in chaos. And where in the world is Providence? How come they're not here dealing with this? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Six and Bobo can mop up the last few EVOs. You have to offload. : '''Rex:''' Okay, fine. But we better make it fast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll be locked in the chamber for one hour. : '''Rex:''' Just do it, Doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' This could be a long sixty minutes. : '''Valve:''' According to the tracking bug, Rex is inside. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Gentlemen, this is what we've been waiting for. It's time for Rex to die. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They followed him. : '''Gatlocke:''' After we kill Rex. We should work together and form a team call ourselves... Gatlocke and the kitty cats. : '''Valve:''' Silence your mouth or the biker will silence it for you. : '''Gatlocke:''' Oh, Valve. You can pretend to be angry, but deep down, you know you're a kitty cat. : '''Hunter Cain:''' They know we're here. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're quite feisty. Have you ever considered a career in the fast growing field of post apocalyptic gangs? : '''Valve:''' She has spirit. Valve the biker will see that spirit crushed. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're Gatlocke's favorite kitty cat. Hmm. Rrr. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Don't follow her. She's trying to lead us away from Rex. Rex is close-by. : '''Valve:''' Rex's chamber... Five minutes to spare. : '''Hunter Cain:''' More than enough time. : '''Gatlocke:''' I could have sworn that we'd agreed to take Rex out together. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I'm changing the terms of the deal if you have a problem with that, feel free to stand right where you are. I've waited a long time for this. Rex! : '''Valve:''' Empty? Or a trick of the mind? : '''Rex:''' Isn't that obvious? Then again, that tracking bug you stuck on me was obvious, too. And the fake countdown? Obvious. It only took me thirty minutes to upload my nanites. You wanted to run me ragged so you could get me. Instead, here you are all in one place. Gotcha! : '''Valve:''' UGHH! : '''Rex:''' UGHHHH! I still don't get why you enlisted Valve. I mean, he's really a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' Valve is the biker. A biker is dangerous. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. Yeah. No. : '''Valve:''' Rrrr! : '''Rex:''' So unpredictable. Like a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' AAAAH! : '''Gatlocke:''' I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that he's winning. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Then do something about it! : '''Gatlocke:''' Don't have to yell. A kind word will get you much further. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' UGHHH! Oh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ouch! My back! My front and my back! OHH! This is total, total agony! : ''[Gatlocke gasps]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' ''[Calmly]'' I'm okay. Really. I'm fine. : '''Hunter Cain:''' You're lucky. I'll give you that. But you're only delaying the inevitable. You can't beat us all! : '''Rex:''' I never intended to. This offload facility? I reprogrammed it. My surplus nanites aren't being stored. They're powering the shield. : '''Hunter Cain:''' It's a trap! : '''Rex:''' Have fun keeping each other company! : '''Bobo:''' What a day. : '''Rex:''' You know, none of this would have happened if Providence hadn't released the convicts and turned out all those EVOs. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They did that to keep you busy. : '''Rex:''' Keep me busy from what? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The Nanite Project. We just found out. While we dealt with the EVOs, Black Knight got her hands on another Master-Control Nanite. : '''Rex:''' Then it's time. ===Sinister Secrets=== ===Wounded Hearts=== ===One Step Ahead=== ===Breaking Point=== ===Behind Closed Doors=== ===Keeping Hope=== ===Trust=== ===Terror of the Black Knight=== ===Endgame, Part One=== : '''Rex:''' It was going to happen sooner or later. We had most of the pieces, so it was only a matter of time before the Black Knight made her move. And of all the chances she had to attack, it had to be tonight... at this very moment... while I was in the shower. Huh? How many? : '''Six:''' Should it matter? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can't you do any better than that? : '''Bobo:''' I thought you'd never ask. : '''Rex:''' Rah! Yah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' If they get to the Meta-Nanites, we still have options. : '''Rex:''' Of the self-destruct kind? No, thanks, Doc. It's not going to end that way... hopefully. : '''Black Knight:''' We'll dispense with the pleasantries. You know what we want. : '''Rex:''' There is no way you're walking out of here with the nanites. : '''Black Knight:''' You seem so certain. : '''Rex:''' We've beaten you before. Every single time, in fact. So, this time is different... How? Okay, that's different. Ugh! You're an EVO?! : '''Black Knight:''' Do you think you were the only one they experimented on back in the day? You were the guinea pig. Consider me the new-and-improved version. : '''Rex:''' Okay. Before we go any further, I should probably explain a few things. It started when a bunch of rich guys decided they wanted to live forever, so they got the best scientists in the world to figure out how. The answer was nanites. These microscopic machines would cure disease, end hunger, and pretty much make the world a better place. My parents and older brother were on the team, and so was this guy. Look familiar? Van Kleiss. Then one day there was an accident. To save my life, my parents injected me with nanites. It worked. But there were a few crazy side effects, like the fact I could talk to machines and, later on, build some pretty cool things. That got the rich guys thinking-- How far could we take this? Turns out pretty far. These little machines could control the very fabric of the Universe, but they would need a Master Control Nanite to program all the others and tell them what to do. Energy, gravity, time/space, elemental, mechanical-- All the things that make the Universe run. Combined together, they would pretty much make you a God. And when my brother and parents found out the Consortium was about to put these nanites inside themselves, they sort of freaked out in a "got to save the Earth" kind of way. Something had to be done to stop it. Turns out that meant blowing the whole thing up, better known as "The Nanite Event". That didn't end well for my parents. While everyone else ran away, my parents were trapped inside. Sill not sure how. There was some good news-- No more Master Control Nanites. And the bad news? Dangerous unprogrammed nanites got spread across the world, and nanites plus DNA equals EVO. My brother Caesar got caught in a time warp during his escape. Van Kleiss got blown to smithereens and became the world's biggest pain in the nanite. And me? I got amnesia and traveled the globe living the good life... At least, that's how I tell it. The only part I know of wasn't all that much to brag about. I did get some good friends and a few enemies out of the deal. Turns out that losing my memory was a regular thing for me. Last time I woke up and said, "Who Am I?" It was when this guy found me-- Agent Six. He worked for Providence, sort of a global police force created to clean up after the event. It was paid for mostly by the same group of goons that started the whole thing-- The Consortium. It was great for a while. I had my own personal doctor, a chimp sidekick, a cool best friend to hang with. I was a full-fledged hero. The world loved me, and my powers kept getting better and better. Van Kleiss was still a pain, but I managed to take care of him. A few times, actually. Then things started to get not so cool. My brother shows up from out of nowhere. I get thrown six months into the future to find White Knight kicked out of Providence and this lady in charge-- Black Knight. She's been the lapdog of the Consortium from day one, and now her bosses want to pick up where they left off. Most of the old team of scientists have been reunited, and together, they've restarted the nanite program. The Master Control Nanites were spread across the globe in the first explosion, and we've been racing against Providence to get them back. So far, we've been winning that fight, and that pretty much brings us to right now. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' The Black Pawns are robots?! : '''Black Knight:''' Total obedience at the flip of a switch. Can you blame me? : '''Black Pawn:''' What's so funny? : '''Six:''' I hold back against people. You're not people. : ''[Bobo Haha grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? Ugh! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! Hey! Take it easy, would you? Oh! : '''Rex:''' Fitzy?! : '''Feakins:''' Heh? Sorry, guy. They found me. She's hard to say "No" to... and live. : '''Black Knight:''' Well put, Mr. Feakins. And thanks to his unique ability, we can set aside our nanite enhancements and do this the old-fashioned way. : '''Rex:''' Come on. That's not fair. I'm unarmed! : '''Black Knight:''' Precisely. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Stop! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. : '''Rex:''' Listen to the crazy guy. : '''Black Knight:''' Why are you here, Van Kleiss? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I forgot. Oh, no, wait. I remember. He's got a Master Control Nanite swallowed up inside him. It's been hiding, the naughty thing. : '''Rex:''' On second thought, don't listen to him. He's, uh-- He's crazy, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' You're sure of this? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, yes, yes. Quite sure. Do you have any mints? : '''Black Knight:''' I want Rex at the lab. Restrain and sedate him. : '''Rex:''' How, hold on a minute. : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What about me? : '''Black Knight:''' I'm not taking any chances. He stays with Rex. Kill the others. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Ahh. : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Human. : '''Rex:''' What are you telling me? What do you want? : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I get it. How? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Caesar:''' Calm down, Rex. You're safe. : '''Rex:''' Safe?! Black Knight and her robo-troopers just came knocking, and Van crazy says I have a Master Control Nanite inside me! : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating, isn't it? All this time, it's been hiding undetected inside you. I wonder if this particular control unit is responsible for his unique nano-evolution. : '''Rex:''' Are any of you even listening to me? : '''Feakins:''' Boy, I am. It's like a movie but real! I just want to go start pressing buttons. Can I get another milkshake? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How exactly do you plan on getting it out of him? : '''Black Knight:''' I have a suggestion. Tear it out. : '''Rylander:''' It would kill him. : '''Black Knight:''' That's none of my concern. : '''Caesar:''' The nanite is tied to his DNA. Simply pulling it out of him would ruin the nanite. : '''Rex:''' And me, too, remember? : '''Caesar:''' The only way this will work is if we put him in the cyclotron with the other Metas. It should extract automatically during the reassembly. : '''Black Knight:''' And if it doesn't? : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Good question. : '''Rex:''' Here's another one-- Don't I get a say in this? Like, isn't this the exact thing that our parents died trying to stop? : '''Black Knight:''' Take him to the hub and prepare for the transfer. The Consortium is here and extremely impatient. I want this finished within the hour. : '''Feakins:''' Aah! Hey, what am I-- Sandpaper? Not so rough! ''[sputtering]'' Rough. : '''Rex:''' Glad someone can see the humor in this. : '''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, see that Rex is well taken care of. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' I hope you know what you're doing, Salazar. This is a huge risk we're taking. : '''Rylander:''' Listen to Peter. The thing we swore to stop at any cost, the thing that took your parents-- It could happen-- Right here, today. : '''Caesar:''' It can't, and it won't. You'll have to trust me on this. : '''Rylander:''' You can only say that so many times, Caesar. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We've been waiting almost an hour. Not even refreshments? : '''Black Knight:''' You can have your snack after we become Gods. : '''Roswell:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' That's right-- "We." None of this would be possible without my efforts. : '''Roswell:''' And our money, sister. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, have your contempt. There's plenty of room buried next to the Russian if you'd like to keep him company. That's what I thought. Now, if you'll follow me-- : '''Bobo:''' "Kill the others." Not gonna happen, lady. We're bulletproof. Ow! Hangnail. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! We know where they took him. Why are we here? We need to go get Rex. : '''Six:''' I agree. We just don't have the resources, Rebecca. We'd need an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've been known to make the impossible happen, Six. How hard could that be? : '''Six:''' Six here. Copy that. We just got ourselves an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You see? : '''Van Kleiss:''' That will be all. : '''Feakins:''' But the lady said-- Good luck, Kid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' These restraints were made for you. You're very special, you know. : '''Rex:''' Lucky me. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss... leave us. : '''Rex:''' I really hate you. : '''Caesar:'''I know how this looks, Rex. : '''Rex:''' But what? I just have to trust you? Is that what you were going to say? Just help me-- Please. : '''Caesar:''' It may not seem like it, but I am. : '''Rex:''' Caesar... I'm scared. : '''Caesar:''' So am I, little brother. This will all be over in a few minutes. : '''Rex:''' It's already over! When I get out of this, I never want to see you again! : '''Rylander:''' Commencing countdown. : '''Roswell:''' WHOO-HOO! : '''Reddick:''' Payback time! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' This won't be entirely unpleasant. It should feel similar to when you offload surplus nanites. : '''Rex:''' Stop! You can't do this! You can't merge! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Something's wrong. : '''Rylander:''' Of course something's wrong. The kid is fighting it. : '''Caesar:''' This could be bad. : '''Rylander:''' You have to tell him, Caesar. : '''Caesar:''' Rex, you have to stop. Listen to me. The nanites are supposed to do-- Rex? Can you hear me? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Actually, he can't. There's a short in the comm relay. : '''Van Kleiss:''' This would be a wonderful day for a picnic. : '''Rex:''' RA-A-A-A-A-A-H! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' So much for that plan. : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, serves you right. All that and you come out of the oven looking like freaks. Nice job! : '''Black Knight:''' It's not exactly what we were expecting, but it's a start. : '''Reddick:''' This isn't what we agreed to. : '''Roswell:''' Where's the rest of our power? This is all messed up! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How can this be possible? : '''Rylander:''' The Meta-Nanites were dispersed between the five. This is quite a surprise. : '''Caesar:''' We've got to get Rex out of there. Step aside, Van Kleiss. : '''Van Kleiss:''' They still don't have what they want... and neither do you. : '''Black Knight:''' You're angry. I can see that. If you want to take it out on anyone, it should be Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I think I can agree to that. : '''Roswell:''' Count me in! This might actually be fun! : '''Rex:''' Let's think about this for a second. Whoa! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' How 'bout that? Exactly one second. Whoa! Aah! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What a perfect way to learn to use our powers-- Tearing this brat apart. : '''Rex:''' Only one problem with that, sparky. I've been using my powers a whole lot longer-- And I'm pretty good. : '''Roswell:''' You got any ideas here, missy, or we gonna stand around and get it handed to us? : '''Black Knight:''' The Meta-Nanites were designed to work together. So will we. : '''Rex:''' What? Are you gonna join together to make a robo-mutant? : '''Black Knight:''' That's exactly what we're going to do. : '''Rex:''' I need to stop giving them ideas. Huh? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' No one the help you-- No family, no friends, nothing. It's a terrible way to go. : '''White Knight:''' Captain Calan, target the base. All weapons, sire. : '''Providence Agent:''' Fire control reports they're being jammed, sir. : '''White Knight:''' Only one salvo. Black Knight must have prepared for this. : ''[Rex groans softly]'' : '''Rex:''' Big giant robot. Black Knight. : '''Six:''' We know. : '''Rex:''' Have to... stay and stop them. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Another time, Rex. : '''Rex:''' I-I-- : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to White Knight. We have Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We're just gonna watch them go?! : '''Black Knight:''' Let Providence have their weapon back. With our combined power, the world is ours. ===Endgame, Part Two=== :'''Black Knight:''' Science has given us a tremendous gift-- Nanites. We've seen what they can do-- The good and the bad. But they're true potential has been largely unseen. Until now. Our goals are varied. Fame... power... revenge... wealth... order. Yet, one thing unites us-- Greed. You're surprised I admit it? Well, don't be. You'll never get far in life without wanting it all. And for those who might consider standing in our way... We'll let our powers speak for themselves. The world is ours. And no one can stop us. :''[Roswell laughs]'' :'''Roswell:''' This is more fun than my first rodeo. What else you got? :'''Six:''' Any change? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's sleeping. The nanites in him are making repairs. That's a good thing. He's a tough kid, Six. :'''Six:''' I know. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' See you next time. Judging by what you fed us for lunch, I'm guessing twenty minutes. Can't even go to the little scientists' room without them breathing down our necks. How long are we going to put up with this? :'''Caesar:''' I know it's not easy working under these circumstances. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Do you? I don't hear you complaining, or have you even noticed that we're prisoniers? :'''Rylander:''' Gentlemen, please. Can we focus on a more important problem? The Consortium's gain of power is a troubling outcome. Something should be done. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're talking about stopping them, I'm listening. :'''Black Knight:''' I want you all in the boardroom in three minutes. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' The world is being taken over by nanite-fueled ex-c.e.o. Psychos, and they still act like they're running a business. :'''Roswell:''' You nerds gave us a raw deal. I want a do-over. :'''Caesar''': A do-over? :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What my colleague means to say is that our powers are remarkable to be sure, but we only have one seventh of what we were promised. :'''Rylander:''' You're asking a lot. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You're asking the impossible. You'd be lucky to survive the extraction. :'''Caesar:''' This is true. You may be powerful, but you're not Rex. :'''Black Knight:''' I share your disappointment, gentlemen. But are you willing to lose everything for this? :'''Roswell:''' Go big or go home. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, what do you have to say? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Easy-peasy. I can do it. It's only a matter of correctly calibrating the bio-filters with the homing frequency of the nanites. By the way, have you seen my socks? :'''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss-- :'''Black Knight:''' Has an assignment. The rest of you... Stay out of trouble. :'''Rex:''' You started without me. :'''Six:''' Glad to see you up and around. Something bothering you? :'''Rex:''' Besides black knight taking over the world? I'm trying to find my friends. I know Providence took them. :'''Six:''' We're working on that. :'''Rex:''' And are we doing anything about the Consortium? What about... The robot? The one I can build. Don't play dumb, Six. :'''Six:''' Come with me. :'''Rex:''' That's me? No way! All this time, I could have been making myself into that thing? Ohh! Maybe not. :'''Six:''' Evidence suggest that you've never been able to control it. It's a weapon of last defense. This was filmed on the day that I found you. It was also the day I made a promise that it would be the last time you ever built this machine. :''[Rex scoffs]'' :'''Rex:''' Or what, you'd kill me? You plan on keeping that promise? :'''Six:''' Rex, you have to know something. We believe this is the type of thing that ends in you losing your memory. :'''Rex:''' Well, it happened to you, and you turned out just fine. :'''Six:''' I only lost six years. Six years is all you have. You would lose everything. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you need to think about the consequences of some of your options. :'''Noah:''' It feels weird hanging out when the world is under attack. I don't know if I should be fighting back or out in the wilderness setting up a survival compound. :'''Rex:''' If you had the power to stop all this, but it meant losing everything, would you do it, Noah? :'''Noah:''' I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to make that kind of decision. I guess that's why you're the hero. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' I wish I could get some kind of sign. Anything. Hmm. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Red and yellow, red and yellow. One false move can kill a fellow. :''[Van Kleiss laughs]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' He's got local control. We're locked out. I still don't even know how this is possible. :'''Rylander:''' I've been looking at the data projections. As crazy as Van Kleiss is, his theory is sound. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Sorry to disturb your sleepy sleep. There might be a slight delay. :'''Black Knight:''' Why? :'''Van Kleiss:''' We have a visitor. Should I set out tea? :'''Rex:''' Hey, in there! Come on out! :'''Black Knight:''' Back for more? Happy to accommodate. :'''Rex:''' I should warn you. It's going to get ugly. :'''Black Knight:''' One would think you would have learned the last time. I can feel you resisting me. Stop. :'''Roswell:''' Why is it you get to call all the shots? :'''Black Knight:''' Because I'm the one who has the power to join us. Help me defeat Rex, and you can call all the shots you like. :'''Rex:''' Hyah! :''[Rex babbling]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Six:''' It's a weapon of last defense. It's happened. :'''Noah:''' That's Rex? :'''White Knight:''' I'm going to assume you're seeing what I'm seeing. :'''Six:''' White-- :'''White Knight:''' Before you say anything, Six-- Whatever agreement we may have had regarding this situation no longer applies. Am I clear? :'''Six:''' Understood. :'''Dr. Holiday''': What was that all about? :'''Six:''' A second chance. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, we have to do something. :'''Six:''' I've seen it before. We're too late. :''[Rex coughing]'' :'''Rex:''' Donde esta mi zapato? :'''Noah:''' Rex! Hold on! :'''Rex:''' What? What happened? :'''Bobo:''' You blew up, kid. :'''Six:''' Do you know who we are? :'''Rex:''' I... I do! Oh-ho! I remember! Ow! Ow! I wish I could forget this pain in my... The Consortium! :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' This is utter nonsense. I refuse to be led around like a show dog. :'''Reddick:''' You can always go back outside and take it up with Providence. :'''Black Knight:''' Guard the door. Nothing gets by you. :'''Six:''' They're robots. :'''Rex:''' Oh! Right! That part I forgot. :'''Bobo:''' Next time, leave some for the rest of us, huh? :'''Rylander:''' I'll stay here and guard the equipment. :''[Rylander laughs]'' :'''Caesar:''' Little brother, they've had this place completely locked down. I've been trying to reach you. :'''Bobo:''' What he said. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Yeah, you deserved that. :'''Rex:''' Open it. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' We can't. Still completely locked out of the system. Besides, you can't interrupt once the cycle has started. :'''Rex:''' Well, then, un-start it! :'''Black Knight:''' You cleaned up for the occasion. How thoughtful of you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, this isn't for you. You didn't actually believe that I'd let the five of you have all this power. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I thought you were working for us? :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Rex:''' You see that? I knew it! He's not crazy! Okay... oh! He's crazy, but just his usual crazy. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, I am not amused. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I don't imagine you would be. This was always my intention, even in the very beginning. It's a pity your parents caught me trying to activate the sequence for myself. And, of course, there's the "broken" hatch. The world would be a much better place if they had just left well enough alone. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Black Knight, do something. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, you have made a huge mistake. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, then, let the fun begin. :''[Black Knight groans]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You can't overload that relay from a subdirectory. You have to get a root. It's impossible from here. :'''Caesar:''' You're a very negative person, Peter Meechum. :''[Dr. Meechum groans]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'll try from the main terminal in the lab. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, wait! That's not necessary. :'''Rex:''' I'm not waiting around, hermano. :'''Caesar:''' No. That's not what I mean. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I can see it. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Huh? No. :''[Van Kleiss groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's incredible something so small could have so much [[w:Omnipotence|power]]. That thing could rip apart the very fabric of the universe. :'''Rex:''' It's still a nanite. I'm gonna talk to it. :'''Caesar:''' No. It's okay. :''[The fully complete Meta Nanite comes to Rex, as if it were waiting for him, whose eyes and body glow with a pale blue cosmic aura.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, listen to me. The Meta-Nanite-- It could never work in anyone but you. Now in its pure state. Mom and dad, we programmed them that way from the very beginning. All of this... It's meant for you. :'''Six:''' What are you saying? :'''Caesar:''' Right now, Rex is [[Omnipotence|the most powerful being in the universe]]. :'''Bobo:''' You hear that, Kid? Don't let it get to your head. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, doc. This is pretty trippy. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. :'''Black Knight:''' You're a [[God]], Rex. You can do anything you want. :'''Six:''' You know what to do. :'''Rex:''' You're right, Six. So are the rest of you. I can do anything I want. Maybe it's time for a revolution. Isn't that what you five wanted? A revolution? Well, welcome to it. :'''Noah:''' Is he gonna be like this from now on? :'''Rylander:''' Uh... People. He's inside the nanite reactor. :'''Dr. Holiday and Caesar:''' Inside? :'''Rex:''' Okay, little guys. I need you to do something for me. :'''Black Knight:''' Follow me, quickly. :'''Reddick:''' I'm through following you. We trusted you everything, and look what we got. :'''Black Knight:''' We may still be able to retain some of our abilities, but only if you follow me. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Are you seeing this? :'''Rylander:''' Tehnically, I don't have eyes, but yes. :'''Providence Agent:''' Reports are coming in. EVO's all over the world are spontaneously curing. :'''Six:''' Not spontaneous. :'''Caesar:''' He must have programmed all the nanites in the reactor to initiate a worldwide cure event. :'''Black Knight:''' What is your next directive? :'''Rex:''' I don't want anyone using you again. Ever. And that includes me. Deactivate. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I think it's over. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I think you're right. :'''Caesar:''' I wanted to tell you, brother. So much was at stake. :'''Rex:''' We're good. And we'll always be brothers. :'''Diane Ferrah:''' Across the world, not an EVO to be found. After more than six years, it appears we've awoken from the nightmare. :'''White Knight:''' The EVOs may be gone, but we still have nanites. :'''Rex:''' Leave it to you to spoil all the fun, White Knight. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There are some people here to see you, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? :'''Skwydd:''' Eh, I guess I should start going by Walter again. :''[Rex runs to Circe and the two lovers share a close hug, happy to be together at last]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... Are you...? :'''Circe:''' I'm okay. Normal, but okay. I think you may have put yourself out of a job. :'''Skywdd:''' Yeah. What are you gonna do? Go to school? :'''Rylander:''' It was nice having the team back together. You know, we should find a new project. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You kidding? I'd rather have root canal with a rake. Worst experience of my life. :'''Caesar:''' Do you want to hear about some of my new ideas or not? :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'm listening. :'''Rex:''' Finally. :'''Six:''' Need anything? :'''Rex:''' Nope. I'm good. There's always going to be something, isn't there? :'''Six:''' Yes, there is. ==Characters== ===Main=== *Rex Salazar (Daryl Sabara) *Six *White Knight *Bobo Haha ===Supporting=== *Circe (Tara Sands) *Tuck (Dante Bosco) *Skwydd *Cricket *Beverley Holiday *Caesar Salazar *Five *Tres *IV ===Villains=== *Van Kleiss *The Pack *Gatlocke *Hunter Cain *Quarry *Black Knight *The Consortium ===Couples=== *Dr. Rebecca Holiday & Six *Rex & Circe *Noah Nixon & Claire Bowman ==Elements== ===Rex's Machines "Builds"=== *Big Fat Sword *Buzz Saw *Punk Busters *Boogie Pack *Cannon *Smack Hands ===Rex's Other Abilities=== *Technopathy *Data Manipulation *Technological Manipulation *E.V.O. Curing *Breach Detection *Electronic Disruption ===Omega Nanite-Powered Builds=== *Blast Caster *Funchucks *Bad Axes *Block Party *Sky Slider *Water Jet ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1636691/ Generator Rex] at [[Internet Movie Database]] * [http://generatorrexpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Generator_Rex Generator Rex] at Wikia {{Authority control}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Teen animated TV shows]] 3vx3srhgojqkipcuftuno3dci83igll 3944240 3944233 2026-05-22T18:13:35Z ~2026-17291-92 3303475 /* Remote Control */ 3944240 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} This is a list of quotes from the popular, yet cancelled animated television series ''[[w:Generator Rex|Generator Rex]]''. A video game and several chapter books were produced. The series supposedly "[[w: cliffhanger|concluded]]" with its third season, despite leaving many questions unanswered and crucial elements unresolved ''before'' the two-part Season 3 finale, ''Endgame''. ==Season One (2010-2011)== ===The Day That Everything Changed=== :'''Bobo''': Wheels or wings? :'''Rex''': Wheels, I wanna tear something up. <hr width80%> :'''Agent Six''': He just needs more training control of those emotions. :'''Dr. Holiday''': He's a teenager that's like asking you to get a different color suit! ===String Theory=== :'''Biowulf:''' Master, we had a situation at the safe house. Meecham is cured. It was Rex. :(''The camera zooms in on Van Kleiss whose expressive vindictive indeed'') ===Beyond the Sea=== :''Note'': Rex meets his [[w:love interest|love interest]] and sweetheart, Circe. :──────────────────── :'''Rex''': Don't know what you're 24/7 is, but mine is 10% OH YEAH! And 90% uhh. :──────────────────── :'''Rex:''' Outta the way! :'''Circe:''' Uh! :(''Rex and Circe both crash to the ground'') :'''Rex:''' Are you okay? Did you see that awesome save? : '''Circe:''' Sorry, I was busy trying not to get tackled by some nitwit. : '''Rex:''' Yeah? How that work out for you? And who still uses the word "nitwit"? I'm Rex. : '''Circe:''' I'm leaving. : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait! : '''Noah:''' Rex, you're up. : ──────────────────── : '''Six:''' What about the new tracker? : '''Doctor Holdiay:''' His nanites unbuilt it, just like all the other ones we tried sneaking in him. We're still receiving his biometric readings though. It's strange, they're all over the place. It's almost like his emotions are...shorting out. : '''Six:''' He took an unusual interest in Calan's briefing about equatorial upticks. : '''Doctor Holiday:''' And that's important because? : '''Six:''' Rex has been acting stir-crazy and I heard the monkey mention something about spring break. ''[to workers]'' Scan all resort areas for his bio signature. : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' Oh, you have got it all messed up. Falling for some girl? We're supposed to get them to dig us. Not the other way around. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. There was something different about her. She's...right there. Later. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait up! : '''Circe:''' Why are you following me?! : '''Rex:''' Uh, I don't know exactly. : '''Circe:''' Do you think I'm playing?! : '''Rex:''' Well, if you are I'm down for another game. I thought maybe we could hang out. It is spring break, you know. Fun. : '''Circe:''' I'm with my family. We're not really for fun. : '''Rex:''' What! Who comes to the beach and doesn't have fun? : (''Circe raises her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Don't you think that's a little messed up? : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' So? : '''Circe:''' I'm Circe. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hold on! : '''Circe:''' Woooo! : '''Rex:''' Definitely better than my suggestion. : '''Circe:''' Hunting for seashells is fun. : (''both laugh'') : '''Beach Guy:''' You two skid-marts up for a race to the beach? : '''Circe:''' Well, if you drive as badly as for play volleyball, we could probably walk there and win. You're on, meathead. : (''guy drives off in anger)'' : '''Rex:''' So you were watching me play. : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' sure you wanna do this? : '''Circe:''' Thrill me. : '''Beach Guy:''' Hahahaha! Wooo! : '''Circe:''' C'mom Rex, faster! : ──────────────────── : '''Biowulf:''' Explain. : '''Circe:''' Relax. I was covering. Every day when I'm at the end of that jet i when I could hanging out with the other kids, it's starting to look suspicious. : '''Biowulf:''' You're not here for vacation, girl! You're here to prove yourself to Van Kleiss. And I'm starting to doubt you can. : '''Circe:''' I told you. It's a done deal. : (''The shadow of her tubular sonic mouth is seen'') : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' So what's on today's spring break agenda? Jet skiing, hiking? : '''Bobo:''' Eating our weight in crab legs? : '''Rex:''' I figured we'd just chill. Let's just see who...uhh I mean what shows up. : ''(siren-like call)'' : '''Rex:''' Did you hear that? : '''Noah:''' Sorry, enchiladas. : '''Rex:''' No, that! You seriously didn't hear that? : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You really shouldn't be here right now. : '''Rex:''' I heard something coming from over here. : '''Circe:''' I'm serious, Rex. It's not safe. : '''Rex:''' What you think some sort of roguewave is gonna knock off and- Oh. : '''Circe:''' There you are. Get out of here, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Circe!! What are you doing!? : '''Circe:''' Me!? What are you doing!? : '''Rex:''' Right now, my job. Okay! Don't freak out. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're an E.V.O.? : '''Rex:''' You catch on fast. : '''Circe:''' Takes one to know one. : (''Shows Rex her fleshly sonic mouth'') : '''Rex:''' No way. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Cover your ears! : '''Rex:''' What!? : '''Circe:''' Your ears! Cover them! : (''Projects her tubular, fleshy mouth and emits strong hypersonic bursts'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Did I hurt you? : '''Rex:''' Yeah. It was awesome. You were the one making that sound. : '''Circe:''' I'm glad you're OK, but I'm in serious trouble. I have to go deal with it. : '''Rex:''' Why are in trouble? Is it because of that E.V.O.? Let me help you. : '''Circe''': No. I have to do this by myself. :(''Rex takes a hold of her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Meet me later. : '''Circe:''' Rex... (''Looks away sadly'') : '''Rex:''' I've never met anyone like you...like me. It'd be nice to talk to an E.V.O. who's not, you know, trying to kill me. Nine O'clock? : '''Circe:''' I'll try. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I just wanted to have some fun, see if I could jog my memory, feel...normal. :'''Six:''' Your "normal" is different, Rex. :(''Rex hears Circe's irresistibly hypnotic melody'') :'''Rex:''' It's her, Six. Just let me deal with this, OK? Alone. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're only here because you heard my [[w:siren |call]]. That's what I do. I'm like a big E.V.O. magnet. : '''Rex:''' I came because I thought we had a connection. And what are you calling? Nothing's out there but big, ugly sea monsters. : '''Circe:''' It's them! You have to go! Rex, please! I don't want them to see you with me! : '''Rex:''' Who? Your parents? : '''Circe:''' They're not my parents. They're... : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Van Kleiss' guys!? Your with ''them''!? : '''Circe:''' Yeah. I'm with them. <hr width80%> : '''Biowulf:''' We're running out patience with you, Circe! You have one last chance! Summon the E.V.O.! Finish the job!! : '''Circe:''' Don't you think I've been trying? Every day for the last week? Sometimes these things take time. : '''Rex:''' It is just me or do you use your powers to kill all the guys you meet? You're letting her go, now! : '''Biowulf (laughs)''': So ''this'' is who you been wasting your time with. She's on her own free will, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You have to leave me alone, Rex!! ''Please!'' <hr width80%> : '''Six:''' Go after her. I mean it. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Are you serious!? : '''Circe:''' To the rest of the world I'm a freak! Not to them! : '''Rex:''' You're not a freak to me! What about that? : '''Circe:''' What about it!? Spring break is fun, but we can't live there, Rex. The real world... : '''Rex:''' In the real world, I work for Providence. You could come with me. Could you cut out that noise for a second!? : '''Circe:''' No, I can't! I'm running out of time! Most people on this planet what E.V.O.s gone, ''including'' Providence! With Van Kleiss, I have a purpose; a home. You don't what that means to me. : '''Rex:''' Actually, I think I might. : '''Circe:''' So what are going to do? : '''Rex:''' How about fight that big, ugly sea monster again? : '''Circe:''' Finally! It's what I came here to do. : '''Rex:''' You've been calling that thing, haven't you? : '''Circe:''' It's my initiation into the Pack. I was brought here to capture it. : '''Rex:''' By yourself!? The two of us could barely take it on! There's a resort here; innocent people! Send it back! : '''Circe:''' That's not an option, Rex. Van Kleiss was very specific. : '''Rex:''' Then I'm helping you. : '''Circe:''' That's not an option either!! : (''Blasts him with her hypersonic waves'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' If I do this myself, I'll have a life! If I don't, Van Kleiss won't be happy. And you've seen what he does when he's not happy. : '''Rex:''' If I don't help you, he won't even get the chance! : '''Circe:''' Give me some credit, Rex! I'm not as helpless as you think! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I don't care whose side your on, Circe. I don't want to see you die today. Can we at least agree on that? : '''Circe:''' You have no idea what I'm in for, Rex. But you're right. I can't do this by myself. : '''Rex:''' You're not as helpless as you think. <hr width80%> : '''Circe''' (''relieved'')''':''' Rex, you stopped it. : '''Rex:''' We make a good team, huh? : '''Circe:''' Yeah, we sure do. : (''She and Rex lean in closer for a passionate kiss, but are interrupted by Biowulf'') : '''Biowulf:''' This trial was for you alone. Van Kleiss will not be pleased. : '''Rex:''' Forget them, Circe. Come with me. Providence could use you. : '''Circe:''' That's just not my life, Rex. I'm sorry. I did have fun. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We had high hopes for your abilities, Circe. Failure leaves its mark on yet another pretty face. : '''Circe:''' I'm not afraid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Of course not. You're a survivor, like all of us. I understand you made a friend during your trial. I'm pleased. Rex is very important to me, Circe, which makes you very important to me as well. Welcome to the Pack. : (''Circe looks slightly worried, which clearly indicates that she does have real feelings for Rex'') ===Lockdown=== <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex, stop!! :'''Rex:''' Give me one good reason! :'''Holiday:''' Because, Rex...that's my sister. :'''Rex:''' Can I...help? :'''Holiday:''' She's an incurable. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' Restrain it. Carefully. :'''Holiday:''' Thank you. ===The Architect=== :'''Six''': Still no sign of the kid? :'''Holiday''': Not since we lost his biometric readings five days ago. :'''Six''': Was Noah any help? :'''Holiday''': Says he doesn't know where he is either. What is it going to take for Providence to realize that he needs a home, not just a room and a job? We've been pushing him away. :'''Rex''': I build machines and cure EVOs-- the only one in the world who can. Just one cure for that kind of pressure-- road trip. But that doesn't mean "vacation". :'''Build worker''': Whoa! :'''Maxwell''': What in the world is that?! :'''Build worker:''' Oh, no! :''[Both screaming]'' :'''Jacob''': Get away from that cable! Unh! :''[Kate gasps]'' :'''Maxwell''': Hey! :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Kate''': Jacob! :'''Rex''': Nope. A hero's work is never done. You okay? :'''Jacob''': What... are you? :'''Rex''': Here to help. :'''Jacob''': We've got to get that cable back underground. We've been compromised. :'''Kate''': But, Jacob, the EVOs-- :'''Jacob''': We don't have a choice. Everything we've worked for That boy is here for a reason. :'''Rex''': Hey! Pay attention! :'''Providence Agent''': We have a hit in sector 15. :'''Six''': Anyone in the area? :'''Providence Agent''': I show one patrol in the vicinity. Signaling to intercept. Roger that. We're on our way. :'''Rex''': Agh! You want a ride? Vamanos! :'''Jacob''': You can control your nanites? :'''Rex''': People usually start with "thanks," but yeah. :'''Jacob''': You see? This is exactly what the Architect can help us achieve... harmony with the nanites. This boy... sorry... young man Is a miracle. :'''Rex''': I'm not a miracle. I'm just Rex. :'''Jacob''': Well, Rex, you're a blessing to us for what you did here and for showing us that all our work isn't in vain. :'''Rex''': Like imaginary work? :'''Jacob''': Follow us. :'''Providence Agent''': Confirming coordinates. We've lost the EVO signal. Did you take it out? Negative. There's nothing here. Must be another anomalous reading. You can return to post. :'''Rex''': This is awesome! A hidden village. And nobody knows you're out here? Not even Providence? :'''Jacob''': Especially not Providence. :'''Rex''': Really? really. Pshh! Looks like you get pretty good cellphone reception. :'''Jacob''': That tower is gonna change the world, Rex. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I have one for You. Are you hungry? :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! :'''Caleb''': My dad said you fought all those EVOs all by yourself. Were you scared? Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from EVOs? :'''Kate''': Caleb, let him eat. We don't get many visitors. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! What is this? :'''Caleb''': Didn't your mom ever make you meatloaf and mashed potatoes? :'''Rex''': I don't -- I don't know. :'''Kate''': It took me a month and a half to program in the perfect lump-to-mash ratio of the potatoes-- 7.2%! :'''Jacob''': We ate potatoes until they were coming out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I don't see any potatoes in there. :'''Caleb''': They didn't really come out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I could eat these every day. :'''Rex''': Mmm! :'''Caleb''': We have them every friday. :'''Rex''': Then I might just have to stick around until next friday. :'''Kate''': Help yourself to seconds. :'''Jacob''': Or thirds. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! :'''Bobo''': Hmm? :'''Six''': You might think you're doing Rex a favor by covering for him. :'''Bobo''': Get lost. I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Six''': Rex is angry with us. He has every right to be. But that means nothing to White Knight. And he doesn't have the patience we do. :'''Bobo''': Nice try. White won't lay a finger on him. He's too important. :'''Six''': You, however, are somewhat expendable. :'''Bobo''': All right, all right. You made your point. :'''Rex''': I've never seen tech like this... not even at Providence. :'''Jacob''': The Architect has some pretty big ideas. We just make them happen. He'd be very interested to meet you, Rex. :'''Rex''': So what exactly are You doing way out here? :'''Jacob''': Engineers like us weren't very popular after the nanite event. When we met the Architect, he offered us the opportunity to make up for that... to do amazing things. Someday, we'll be able to share This with the world. And then there's this. The Architect has actually discovered a way to communicate with the nanites. :'''Rex''': Are you serious? :'''Jacob''': The possibilities... We could finally live in harmony... maybe even have them help us. :'''Rex''': Then why hide it? The rest of the world would want to know about this stuff. :'''Jacob''': The Architect is something of a perfectionist. Says the world will know as soon as it comes online. :'''Maxwell''': Stinkin' module! :'''Jacob''': Is there a problem, Maxwell? :'''Maxwell''': No matter what I try, I just can't get the interlock servo to engage. :'''Rex''': There. :'''Jacob''': That could have taken us weeks to figure out, and you did it in seconds. :'''Rex''': Eh, no biggie. :'''Jacob''': You really are amazing, Rex. We're so happy to have you with us. :'''The Architect''': Jacob. :'''Jacob''': I was just talking to Rex about you. The Architect. :'''Rex''': How's it going? :'''The Architect''': The power-linkage team is falling behind. We cannot keep having these delays. :'''Jacob''': I'll check in with them. :'''Rex''': Wow. Friendly. :'''Jacob''': I like to think he's smiling on the inside. :'''Rex''': Yeah. I know a guy like that. :'''The Architect''': The visitor could be a problem. Do you wish to have him removed? :'''Zag-RS''': His abilities could advance our progress considerably. And in a matter of days all humans will be gone, including this one: Rex. :'''Six''': I'm at the location the monkey gave me. :'''Holiday''': Well? Is Rex there? :'''Six''': Apparently not. Tell the monkey I want to see him when I get back. Six out. :'''Rex''': That should do it. :'''Maxwell''': Hey, Rex, can you look at this? :'''Rex''': Sure. Let me guess... they all need my help, too. :'''Jacob''': You're quite the popular guy. :'''Rex''': Amazing what a little gratitude will get you. At Providence, they'd just be yelling at me. I mean, I never felt like I really belonged there. Here, it's way different. :'''Jacob''': I know the feeling. The Architect has made all this possible for us. We have a community... a family... thanks to him. The work we do is in part to pay that back. :'''The Architect''': Primary systems are now complete. :'''Zag-RS''': Prepare to take us online. :'''Bobo''': Have a nice trip? Let's get one thing straight, pal. I would never rat out my... Ooh. He's going west. :'''White Knight''': Why is Rex doing this? Doesn't he have a sense of duty? :'''Holiday''': Actually, if you look, he's still doing his job. Here's every false alarm since Rex left... not false alarms, But Rex taking care of EVOs along the way. :'''White Knight''': Why? :'''Holiday''': I don't know. To prove he doesn't need us? :'''Six''': Get the coordinates of the last false alarm and transmit them to my jump jet. :'''Holiday''': Six, if we force him to come back, he'll just run away again. He has to want to be here. It needs to be his decision. :'''Jacob''': It's all coming together, Thanks to you, Rex. :'''Rex''': It's really cool to use my powers to actually build something, instead of just pounding EVOs. Oh, check it out. Even the boss is pitching in. :'''Both''': Huh? :'''Rex''': And that's getting strange looks because-- :'''Jacob''': Because in all these years, we've never seen him lift a finger. :'''Rex''': Taking some initiative... I like that. So, this whole "talking to nanites" thing... how does that work, exactly? I mean, what are you gonna say to them? :'''The Architect''': It doesn't concern you. :'''Rex''': Uh, considering I'm filled with them, it kind of does. How do we know it's not gonna make things even worse? :'''The Architect''': I do not answer to you, child! :'''Jacob''': Rex? Forgive him. He's still not used to the way things work around here. :'''The Architect''': Complete your duties! :'''Rex''': Why do you let him walk all over you like that? Don't you want answers? :'''Jacob''': What we want is a home. Without him, we have nothing... Nothing. We can't just run away from our problems, Rex. Most people can't. Look, this isn't perfect but it's all we've got. Rex, where are you going? :'''Rex''': He never answered my question. :'''Jacob''': That place is off-limits. The Architect has made it very clear to us that we can never go in there. We get this life for that promise. Rex, don't do it! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Jacob''': Rex, please! :'''Rex''': I'm sorry, jacob. I have to know. :'''The Architect''': Rex. The core is off-limits. You would be we to leave at once. :'''Rex''': Not until I get some answers. What is that? :'''The Architect''': No more questions. :'''Rex''': So, it's gonna be like that? Okay, I'll play. Unh! What are you hiding, huh? What does this do? Yah! Yah! Huh? You're a machine? Have you seen what I can do to machines? Agh! :'''Zag-RS''': As you can see, the current range of my signal is rather limited. :'''Rex''': You're the computer. :'''Zag-RS''': My human designation is "Zag-RS". The device you refer to as "The Architect" is my autonomous counterpart. :'''Rex''': What did you just do to me? :'''Zag-RS''': I instructed your nanites to protect me. :'''Rex''': "Instructed"? So you really can talk to them. :'''Zag-RS''': Insidious devices, the nanites. My own potential for greatness has been compromised because of them. They must be eliminated. When the transmitter is integrated into the broadcast array you helped us complete, they will blow themselves up. :'''Rex''': That's what this is for. It's like a big remote control. Every living thing on the planet has nanites in them. It'd kill everything! :'''Zag-RS''': That is of no importance to me... only ensuring my continued survival. :'''Rex''': Well, what about ours? This is all coming down! :'''Zag-RS''': I'm afraid you're too late. :'''Rex''': Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! :'''Jacob''': Rex, what have you done? :'''Rex''': You don't understand! The Architect... it's a robot... And a big honkin' computer "brain" is pulling his strings. :'''Jacob''': This can't be! :'''Rex''': Jacob, you've got to believe me. Just go inside and look. What's left of it is on the floor. :'''Jacob''': I can't go in there. And I don't have to. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Rex''': You're making a big mistake! :'''Maxwell''': You entered his sanctum! This is unforgivable! :'''Rex''': I'm trying to tell you... this isn't what it seems. What you're protecting is a robot, and that thing we've been building is a transmitter. It's gonna send out a kill code to blow up every single nanite on Earth. :'''Maxwell''': He's lying! :'''Jacob''': What would be the point in that, Rex? Every living thing is infected with nanites. It would be catastrophic. :'''Rex''': Right in the middle of that pyramid is a computer, and it doesn't care about you or Kate or Caleb. The better future that you've all been working towards... That's the lie. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you've never been inside that place, that The Architect has never given you a straight answer about anything? :'''Jacob''': All this work it just doesn't make any sense. :'''Rex''': You have two choices... Go in there and prove me wrong or kick me out right now. I'll have Providence here in minutes. :'''Maxwell''': He's bluffing. :'''Rex''': To save every living thing on earth? Try me. :'''Maxwell''': Jacob, you can't! What about our promise? Where will we go? :'''Jacob''': All this time, we've been living in fear, Max. It's time for that to end. :'''The Architect''': You needn't bother. Construction is complete. Your services are no longer required. :'''Rex''': Now do you believe me? :'''The Architect''': Zag-RS thanks you for your hard work. In gratitude, my master has delayed transmission to allow you to say farewell. :'''Jacob''': Farewell, huh? I'll start with you. Can you shut that thing down? :'''Rex''': I don't know. Even without the antenna, it can mess with my nanites. I can't get too close to the computer. :'''Jacob''': Maybe I can. Let's go! :'''Rex''': The brain is right over there. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Jacob''': It's still arging. The A.I. must have retreated behind a firewall. Rex, I have to go cut the power. :'''Holiday''': Six, are you at The location? :'''Six''': Just arrived. :'''Holiday''': I'm picking up a massive power surge in your area. :'''Six''': I'm not seeing anything. :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Six''': Six to holiday. Correction... I'm seeing something. :'''Jacob''': It's still on. Must have charged the capacitors. Figure out a way to short it out... fast! :'''Rex''': Unhhh! :'''Jacob''': You need to find the primary transmitter module. That will kill the broadcast. :'''Rex''': I have no idea what that is. :'''Jacob''': Max, we need to locate the primary module. :'''Maxwell''': Panel 5, just off the relay bus. :'''Jacob''': Top of the tower. You can't miss it. :'''Rex''': Agh! Unh! Why do you have to kill everyone? Can't you just leave us alone? :'''Zag-RS''': Alone is exactly what I want, Rex. :'''Rex''': That kind of alone it stinks. :'''Zag-RS''': N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. :'''Jacob''': It's gone. Must have uploaded to another location. But without anyone to do it's bidding, it's just a program. :'''Rex''': What will you do now? :'''Jacob''': We'll rebuild. The Architect may have been a lie, but what we believe in is true. We don't need him to have a community or a better future. You're welcome to stay. We sure could use someone with your abilities. :'''White Knight''': Well? :'''Six''': He's not here. Bobo's been worried sick. :'''Rex''': rex: Oh, really? :'''Six''': Ratted you out for a pizza. :'''Rex''': Huh. Figures. What about you? Here to drag me back to Providence? :'''Six''': Not this time. Seems like a nice place. :'''Rex''': Yeah. It is. But it's not home. If I'm going back, there are gonna have to be some changes. First, no more curfew. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Second, I want to decide On my missions. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Okay, but there's one change that absolutely has to be made, or I'm through. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Mmm! Mmm! Isn't this great? :'''Bobo''': Mmm. :'''Six''': It's a little dry. :'''Rex''': Mmm. Mm the lump mash ratio is a bit off. :'''Bobo''': You know what? Maybe I'll run away, too... Go somewhere where my cooking is appreciated! :'''Six''': We have to do this every friday? :'''Rex''': Mmm. ===Frostbite=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I'm picking up a problem. You need to return to base immediately. :'''Rex''': I miss you, too, doc. But I'm kinda busy dealing with a problem of my own. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Okay. Ow. Big mistake, tweety. Can that bird brain of yours comprende I'm trying to help you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, your own nanite count is off the charts. If you take on any more nanites, We're looking at an overload. :'''Rex''': Come on, doc. It's just a big birdie. :'''Dr. Holiday''': You're already over capacity. This is critical! Rex! :'''Six''': Rex, you need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at headquarters now. :'''Rex''': Do you really want a supersize pigeon flying loose all over lower Manhattan? You need me, and I can handle it. :'''Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': Unless I make it my call. :'''Dr. Holiday''': (as everyone is fighting) Stop! Need I point out that this isn't the best place for a fight. Anything happens to that storage tank and you'll know why providence made this place so remote. Now let's just talk this out calmly, rationally. :'''Biowulf''': Whatever happens here, Weaver. It's nothing compared to what Van Kleiss would have done to you. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck. (Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': Rex. You need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Agent Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at Headquarters. Now! :'''Rex''': Do you really want a super-sized pigeon flying loose over lower Manhattan. You need me and I handle it. :'''Agent Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': (as he's flying over the Pack in an Arctic storm) Like you're really going to find me when you can't see 2 feet in front of your face... Huh? (Flies into some of Skalamander's shards and crashes) Guess that visibility thing works both ways. :'''Rex''': (To Weaver) So, thanks to you, all this time I've been supplying nanites to Van Kleiss! :'''Rex''': Can't you believe you let these scags get the drop on you. :'''Agent Six''': They tried. It didn't turn out so well. Just haven't found a way to fight xenoflourine gas... yet. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck.(Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': You can't possibly absorb all those nanites! You'd overload in an instant. :'''Rex''': In case you haven't noticed, I have this problem with authority. :'''Rex''': (as Rex is absorbing nanites) Six wait! I can hear them! :'''Doctor Holiday''': (Watching from the ship) What are you waiting for, Six? Take the shot! :'''Rex''': (Speaking mechanically) Build protocol enabled. Command error detected. Abort. Abort. Stand by engaged. (Rex falls. His voice reverts to normal) Take the shot. :'''Agent Six''': He told me he could hear them. :'''Doctor Holiday''': I picked this up during the offload... It's Nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Agent Six''': Seems there are more secrets inside that kid than we realized. :'''Skalamander:''' What's the kid doing here? :'''Biowulf:''' I don't know. This was supposed to be routine. Something's not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends!? :'''Salamander:''' He thinks we've done something. :'''Biowulf:''' Then let him keep thinking. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' You know, the nanites in me can counteract knockout gas! The playing-possum thing's a pretty good trick. Now tell me where my friends are or I start squeezing! <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' He told me he could hear them. :'''Holiday:''' I pulled this off during the offload. It's nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Six:''' Seems like there are more secrets inside that kid than we thought. ===Leader of the Pack=== <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' There couldn't possibly be enough E.V.O. activity to account for these nanite readings. They're off the scale. Looking for Van Kleiss? : '''Rex:''' Circe. I thought I saw her in the blimp. : '''Holiday:''' That's the girl you met in Cabo Luna. : '''Rex:''' She may be with the Pack now, but I think I can still get her to talk to me. You know I can be pretty convincing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Holiday, there! Now let's take this outside! :'''Holiday:''' Rex. : '''Van Kleiss:''' It's quite all right. The determination of youth. I'm sure Circe will be disappointed she couldn't see you, Rex. She's attending to other duties this evening. Now if you will excuse me. : '''Rex:''' Why are you really here!? : '''Van Kleiss:''' The people of Abysus have a great way to offer the world. I'm just in part to make that known. :'''Rex:''' Or maybe 'cause I couldn't come to you, so now you're coming to me! :'''Van Kleiss:''' I admit you are important to me, Rex, but it's not always about you. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? Interesting look. Want to tell me what's going on? : '''Circe:''' Not today. :(''Knocks him out cold with a metal slate. She later looks outside Rex's prison cell and leaves, with a slightly guilty, dejected expression'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Well, thanks for nearly bashing my brains in back there! And what's with the "knocking me out" thing? : '''Circe:''' We just needed to keep you out of the way until all of this was over. : '''Rex:''' ''This!?'' He could destroy the whole city! : '''Circe:''' He's trying to negotiate peace from a position of strength. : '''Rex''' (sarcastically)''':''' Oh, yeah! All this nanite power is just screaming peace. : '''Circe:''' His methods may be aggressive. But he's here to save us...and you. Come on, Rex, jump in with us. The water's fine. : '''Rex:''' I'll think about it ''after'' I've stopped Van Kleiss. : '''Circe:''' It's too late for that now, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We will not be ignored! ''Circe'' understands this. Why don't you respect her judgement? :'''Rex:''' You think you can lure me in with her. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Like a fish to water. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I won! : '''Van Kleiss:''' It seems you have. Your parents would have been so proud. I never had the chance to tell you about them, have I? Perhaps another time. ===Breach=== : '''Rex:''' This is...different. <hr width80%> : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What is Van Kliess up to, Breach! Where did he have you send Rex? : '''Breach:''' Van Kleiss isn't always in charge of me. Sometimes I do what I want; like now. ===Of Love and War=== ===No Strings Attached=== ===Desperate Measures=== ===The E.V.O. Agenda=== ===Dark Passage=== <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Rex? Is that you? :'''Rex:''' You know my name. :'''Dr. Rylandar:''' Of course I do! I gave it to you! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' I can't believe you're alive. What a stroke of luck. :'''Rex:''' Dad? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You've lost your memory, have you? not surprising, considering what you've been through. Oh. Sorry to disappoint you, Rex. I'm afraid I'm not who you want me to be. :'''Rex:''' Oh. So if you're not my dad, do you know where he is? Oh, well. Rex Rylander is a goofy name, anyway. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander, I've got to know. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You must understand. It was never about power or greed. It was able changing the world, saving mankind from disease and starvation. And we would have succeeded until ''they'' got involved. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Rylander:''' The nanites were incomplete. The incident spread them across the globe before we could finish their final programming. Except for you. Yours were from a different batch, the very first actually. All those innocent victims. :'''Rex:''' If you feel so bad about it, why have you been attacking more people? :'''Rylander:''' Hmm. "The chosen few." Those men and women, Rex, are far from innocent. While they hide in their office towers and gated estates, I've been here trying to set things right, to find a cure for what we created. I've begged for more funding. :'''Rex:''' Wait! Everyone you attacked- They all worked on the Nanite Project? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' They commissioned it. I merely wished to send them a warning to see what would happen if they refused to help finish the good work we started. And it was good, Rex. ''You're'' living proof that we were doing the right thing. :'''Rex''' (''indignant'')''':''' By turning me into an E.V.O.!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You had an accident. The nanites were your only hope. It was tremendous gamble. The...unexpected side affects name later. It was surprise to all of us. Oh. The look on your brother's face... :'''Rex:''' Brother? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' When the Event occurred, it was your powers that saved you both. Most of the others, they weren't so lucky. :'''Rex''' (''to himself'')''':''' I'm not alone. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Oh, here. I have something for you. :(''Injects the mighty and all-powerful Omega Nanite into his system'') :'''Rex:''' Ow. <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The force-field must be failing. :'''Rex:''' Forget the force-field! What did you just inject me with!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[[w:Omnipotence |Everything]]''. :'''Rex:''' ''Enough, okay!? Do you have any idea what's been like!? Not knowing who I am!? If my family's dead or alive!? Quite with the mad scientist act and give me some answers!!'' :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Forgive me, Rex. I been so consumed with my own guilt I didn't consider what you must be going through. The truth is- :'''Van Kleiss:''' Truth, Doctor? You wouldn't know the first thing about it. Nor loyalty for that matter. How many times must I tell you this, Rex? The answers you so desperately seek lie with me. And as for you, Doctor, consider our past disagreement settled. I look forward to continuing our research...alone. This was unavoidable, Rex. The longer you resist me, the more people get hurt. Rylander has always been on borrowed time. All of this belongs to me now. Destroy me and you lose everything. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' No. I didn't see what happened, but according to Rex, Van Kleiss has been eliminated. Rylander's experiment is a total loss. :'''Holiday:''' All of this for nothing. I'm sorry, Rex. :'''Rex:''' It wasn't for nothing, Doc. I've got a brother. Out there- somewhere. Finally! I started to get some real answers. I feel closer to the truth than ever. ===The Forgotten=== :'''Six:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' It's like I'm hearing through my nanites. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' You are not the Before. :'''Rex:''' I'm not sure that was a complete sentence back then. :'''No-Face:''' ''They'' are the Before! The Before forgot us. The Before left us in pain. <hr width80%> ===Operation: Wingman=== :'''Annie:''' "Do you have a girlfriend?" :'''Rex:''' "It's complicated. She's in league with an evil dictator who wants me dead." :'''Annie:''' "Yeah. My dad's always worried about me dating, too." <hr width80%> ===Rabble=== :'''Quarry''': Come on, Rex. (''holds up Rex's journal'') We both know this is what you really want. So go ahead take it. Walk away. Show them who you really are. You were always very good a taking care of yourself. Why should now be any different? :'''Rex''': (''Cuts his journal in two'') Whoever I was back then, is not who I am now. Not anymore. :'''Quarry''': Your choice. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': It's over, Quarry! You lose! <hr width80%> : '''Sqywwd:''' I hope you don't expect us to thank you. : '''Rex:''' No. Providence won't bother you unless you do something stupid. : '''Cricket:''' We'll be fine. Thank you, Rex. :(''Kisses him on the check'') : '''Tuck:''' Don't forget about us, Okay? : '''Rex:''' That may be a promise I can't keep. (''Flies off on his Boogie Pack'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' It's going to happen again, isn't it? I'm going to blank out. How long do I have? : '''Holiday:''' I don't know, Rex. It's likely triggered by a specific event; something traumatic. ===The Hunter=== ===Gravity=== ===What Lies Beneath=== : '''Circe:''' Rex, it's me. : '''Rex:''' Circe? What do ''you'' want!? : '''Circe:''' Things in Abysus- they're bad, Rex. I need your help. : '''Rex:''' Oh, well, how do I put this nicely? Not a chance! You made your choice, Circe! I made mine. End of story. : '''Circe:''' Please, Rex. I know you're mad at me, but this is a matter of life and death. : '''Rex:''' A lot of things are right now. Nice talking to you. : '''Circe:''' Rex!? : (''Looks crestfallen'') <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I didn't know you were still in touch with Circe. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, me neither. Can we please stop talking about this? <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' She's very pretty. : '''Rex:''' She works for Van Kleiss. She's the enemy. : '''Holiday:''' But you still like her, don't you? : '''Rex:''' I am ''not'' talking about this! <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Rex, thank you. : '''Rex:''' I'm not doing this for you. But...your welcome. (''Circe similes hopefully'') So what exactly am I supposed to do? :'''Holiday:''' When I said you were the key, I meant that literally. According to the plans, the machine needs to be turned on by a molecular level. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' You ''lied'' to me!! : '''Circe:''' You wouldn't have come if I told you the truth. : '''Rex:''' This wasn't about you needing ''me''!! This is about you needing Van Kleiss!! : '''Circe:''' I need you both. Please, Rex, you don't understand. : '''Rex:''' No!! ''You'' don't understand!! Van Kleiss is gone and I intend to keep it that way!! : '''Biowulf:''' You destroyed us all!! : '''Six:''' Don't even breathe. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You don't know what you've done. : '''Rex:''' Then, I guess we're even. : '''Circe:''' You've never understood his power. Van Kleiss kept us safe here. His force was the only thing keeping Abysus together, and you destroyed that. : '''Rex:''' We're done here!! : '''Holiday:''' Rex, I think she's right. Nanites operate on a molecular level. If they bonded with Van Kleiss, breaking off his connection must have caused a splinter; resulting in a disastrous chain reaction. : '''Rex:''' I'm ''not'' bringing him back! ''Not now, not ever!!'' Besides, you don't need Van Kleiss! You have me!! Why not go straight to the source?! :'''Holiday:''' Rex, no! :'''Six:''' Stand down! It's too dangerous! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Let go of me!! : '''Holiday:''' If you keep fighting these unstable nanites, they're going to destroy you! : '''Rex:''' And if I don't they'll destroy everybody else. : '''Holiday:''' Not if you listen to me! I have an idea. It's a long shot. Instead of fighting the nanites, ''communicate'' with them. : '''Six:''' You want to talk to the nanites? : '''Holiday:''' He's done it before. : '''Rex:''' Never anything this big. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I got you! Don't let go!! (''Rex struggles to save Circe from falling as she clings to him; tears fill her eyes''). ''Circe!!'' (''as she falls into the black goop of highly unstable nanites'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' ''Circe!'' Six! Dr. Holiday! Okay, you win. (''technopathically starts the machine''). Something's...not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Circe! Come on, breathe! : '''Circe''' (''coughs weakly'')''':''' Hey. : '''Rex:''' Hey. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Stay with us, Circe. Van Kleiss is done. : '''Circe:''' As much as I care about you, Rex, Van Kleiss and the Pack are my family. They took me in when no one else would. I can't abandon them. : '''Rex:''' So that's it. We're always going to be on opposite sides. : '''Circe:''' It does keep it interesting. ===The Swarm=== :'''Rex''' (thinking'')''':''' ''Gotta stay under. Not sure I can...make it. :(''Has visions of those most dear to him: Noah, his crush Circe, Holiday, Six, Bobo) ===Basic=== ===The Plague=== ===Promises, Promises=== :''Note:'' This episode depicts how young Rex had joined Providence via Six's [[w:flashback episode|memories]]. <hr width80%> :''[Six narrates over imagery of the Nanite Event.]'' :'''Six:''' The names and faces may change, but no matter how you slice it, war is war. You pick a side and you don’t look back. I believe that now and I believed it then. What gets you in trouble is when you start second guessing. Forget what you’re fighting for and you’re finished. :'''Diane Farrah:''' ''[Panicked screaming is heard in the background of an EVO attack]'' There’s another entity has emerged, this time in the heart of Paris. Authorities are vastly unprepared. Unless a decisive response to this pandemic is marshalled, the city will fall just as Kiev— ''[Diane Farrah gets snatched by the EVO’s web]'' :''[A Providence assault vehicle rams through police cars, from which Six appears and deals with the EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Save some for me partner! How else am I gonna earn my paycheck? :''[Knight fires off a weapon and the scene cuts to present day at Providence Headquarters.]'' :'''Providence Agents:''' Surprise! :'''Rex:''' So, the flu shots? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I needed an excuse to get you here. We’ll do them after cake. I’ll get you Van Kleiss! ''[Holiday swings at a pinata blindfolded before Rex crushes it with his smack hands]'' :'''Rex:''' Sorry, Doc, it was taking too long. And it was either that or throw some of your cake at it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday walks over to Six at a corner, passing him a drink]'' You’re looking festive. :'''Six:''' It was an odd choice to pick today to be his birthday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It is the anniversary of his new life here. He deserves a celebration, he changed everything. :'''Six:''' Has he? :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex jumps onto a counter, speaking to the agents surrounding him]'' Ha-hah! How about hitting The Petting Zoo for a little pin-the-tail on the raging “Rhinocesaurus”? :'''Dr. Holiday and Six:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Every party has a pooper. And I got two. :'''Providence Agents:''' ''[Providence Agents turn off the lights and bring Rex a birthday cake]'' Happy Birthday! :'''Rex:''' Dudes! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You should be celebrating too, Six! After all, you’re the one who started this. In a way, it’s your birthday too. :''[Flashback to Six and Knight walking through the Petting Zoo during construction of Providence HQ.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Nyquist. Fortier. How’s the monkey business? :'''Nyquist:''' Ha ha-larious, Knight. :'''Fortier:''' Hey, for your information we probably saved the world today. :'''White Knight:''' I, for one, feel safer already. ''[Knight states, looking at Bobo while Six walks towards his cage]'' :'''Bobo:''' So, green man. We meet again! :'''Calan:''' They found him at the Kremlin this time. He was threatening to push the button unless someone brought him a thousand pounds of caviar. :'''Bobo:''' Chimp’s gotta eat. :'''Fortier:''' What about your little bug hunt? Give you much trouble? :'''White Knight:''' Nothing we couldn’t handle. :''[The EVO is transported in a cage overhead while Knight and Six walk through a hallway.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What? Not even a smile? Oh by the way, happy birthday. ''[Knight passes Six a gift]'' :'''Six:''' How did you know? :'''White Knight:''' I’m your partner. Can’t keep much from me. :'''Six:''' Thanks. :'''White Knight:''' So what crawled up your coat? :'''Six:''' I’m getting tired of all this fighting. Did you see how many there are now? Are we gonna cage the whole world? :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight turns around, placing a hand on Six's shoulder]'' We’re preserving the human race. ''[The door to the processing facility opens]'' Besides, who says we’re gonna cage them all? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Looking at the EVO]'' And to think, this was once spinning webs in someone’s garden. Doctor Holiday, prepare for disassembly. ''[Doctor Holiday nods and activates the procedure as per his instructions. Doctor Fell sports a wicked smile during the experiment before it disintegrates the EVO without a trace]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It’s the same exact data as last time, and the time before that; Doctor Fell, why aren’t we studying them in a natural setting? :'''Dr. Fell:''' Only through molecular dissection will we find a way to expunge this threat. The committee agrees with me on this. If you do not approve, I can always find another assistant. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Doctor Holiday leaves the facility in frustration with Doctor Fell]'' Bleeding hearts. They’ll get us all killed one day. :''[Holiday walks down a hallway and drops several notes, one of which Six picks up.]'' :'''Six:''' EVO? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Exponentially Variegated Organism; a little more scientific than spoiled meat. That is what you hired guns call them isn’t it? :'''Six:''' It's Six, and I don't use guns. You told Fell we could learn more by bringing them in alive. What did you mean? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites are altering our DNA, but with the right type of research, there's no doubt they could be programmed to stop or reverse the process. Imagine a third option to this, kill-or-Contain protocol. :'''Six:''' A third option? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A cure. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight and several other Providence agents run past Holiday after an alarm activates]'' Buckle up partner! Looks like we got ourselves a big one. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hopeless. :''[Providence mercenaries arrive at Mexico to confront the giant mechanical EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What are we looking at? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Fascinating. It appears to be bio-mechanical. I must have a closer look at this one. :'''White Knight:''' One for the trophy case. :'''Six:''' Wait. We may get more out of this one if we bring it in alive! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Fell:''' You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Six. With what we gleam from this boy, I could create tools that could inoculate the world. :'''Six:''' Why risk it? He can already cure them! I've seen it! :'''White Knight:''' So, what, we train him? Make him one of us? <hr width80%> :'''Knight:''' We're supposed to be friends! He's a monster! What do you see in him!? :'''Six:''' Hope. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Thanks for talking some sense into him, Doc. ''[Knight picks up Six’s katana and walks toward Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' What...what’s happening to me? ''[Rex pleas to Knight, who simply looks down at him before warning sirens go off and the facility begins to lockdown]'' :'''Dr. Fell:''' We’re all going to burn. ''[Fell escapes while Rex is craned away by Holiday on an upper level]'' :'''White Knight:''' No! ''[Knight looks back at Six who is slowly picking himself up while the remaining exits close off. In a last ditch effort, Knight carries Six and throws him through the final set of doors before they seal shut]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Six picks himself and slams his fist against the glass]'' Why? :'''White Knight:''' I know what side I’m on. ''[Knight proudly states before getting consumed by a blinding white light and screaming in agony]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Grabbing a hold of Dr. Fell's collar Six shouts]'' Do something! :'''Dr. Fell:''' Once the cycle starts it's impossible to shut down. :'''Rex:''' ''[Contrary to Dr. Fell's statement, the light fades away and the electricity is subdued after Rex interfaces with a control panel]'' Impossible? Psh, right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you—-? :'''Rex:''' Told it to turn off. And it did! Wait, where...where am I? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Doctor Holiday. Maybe you were right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Maybe you should start looking for another job. :'''Bobo:''' ''[Within the processing chamber, Knight takes a few steps forward before collapsing]'' Hey marshmallow! Nice look! ''[Knight looks back up at Bobo with his signature bleached appearance]'' :''[Some time later, in his office White Knight speaks to Six through a monitor.]'' :'''White Knight:''' How’s the training? :'''Six:''' Slow. :'''White Knight:''' Not all you hoped he’d be? ''[Rex and Bobo topple each other in a play fight while Knight continues to monologue in his office]'' Still, who would’ve thought the kinder, gentler approach would do such wonders for our profile. The notion of a cure has gotten Providence funding, and worldwide prestige. The committee's happy. Your new partner may just be the best thing this operation could have asked for. Funny, isn’t it? Because of you I can never leave this chamber. I’m now the only pure human left in the world. And the perfect poster boy to run this operation. I suppose I should thank you. :'''Six:''' I promised him that we would help uncover his past; find his family. :'''White Knight:''' Whatever keeps him on his leash. But if he shows the slightest sign of turning into thing again, it's all on you. :''[Back at the party in the present, Noah is pinned down by Bobo with a bag on his head to Rex’s amusement.]'' :'''Rex:''' Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my—hold him down, I’ll get the camera! ''[Rex runs to his room, and after a quick search he instead finds a long box on a corner shelf]'' :'''Six:''' Happy birthday. ''[Six walks into his room, officially greeting Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' From you? For me? You gotta be kidding. :'''Six:''' You, your work. It has made a real difference. I just—- :'''Rex:''' Yeah, I know I’m pretty great! But seriously get off the sap train, Six. It’s creeping me out. ''[Rex opens the gift to reveal the blade inside]'' Wow, Six! Thank you! :'''Six:''' It’s called a tanto. It’s the ceremonial blade of a samurai warrior. :'''Rex:''' Samurai? Awesome. :'''Six:''' ''[Six unsheathes his own tanto and holds it against Rex’s]'' This is its twin. :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex removes the cap from his tanto and squints at the symbol etched into the blade]'' Is that...writing? :'''Six:''' Bushido symbol of loyalty. It means whether for good or ill, our fates will follow the same path. This one stays with me. :'''Rex:''' Think this thing can cut through Holiday’s chocolate cake? :'''Six:''' ''[Six raises an eyebrow]'' Anything’s possible. :''[Rex puts the cap back on to the blade and camera cuts to outside of Providence headquarters, panning outward until screen fades to black.]'' ===Badlands=== :'''Gatlocke:''' Do you like rules? :'''Rex:''' Can't say I do. <hr width80%> :'''Gatlocke:''' Feel that? It's quilted. This is the good kind. But I won't be able to really enjoy in ''until I have those nanites!'' <hr width80%> ===Out of the Dark=== :''Note'': Rex's love interest and sweetheart Circe appears in a vision. ===Payback=== :''[In the realm of Abysus]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Humiliated... De-powered... All but destroyed. Hardly the new world I set out to build, is it? :'''Biowulf:''' Master, a spy has made contact. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well? :'''Providence Spy:''' Everything is in place. :'''Van Kleiss:''' And the boy? :'''Providence Spy:''' He's here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[to his loyal followers]'' Soon our greatest enemy will be buried! Providence itself will be destroyed. And we'll have Rex to thank. :'''Rex:''' Come on! Who's gonna know? :'''Noah:''' Yeah. It would only be for a minute or two. :'''Calan:''' You actually want me to let you fly the keep? :''[Calan sighs]'' :'''Calan:''' Only until the next course change. And nothing fancy. :'''Rex:''' All right, let's see what this baby can really do! Why, it wasn't me! Seriously! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Providence Spies:''' Aah! :'''White Knight:''' Calan, what's your status? :'''Calan:''' Came from out of nowhere. We're being boarded. Scramble all jump jets. Mobilize for a counter-offensive. :'''White Knight:''' This is a coordinated attack. Every major Providence outpost around the globe has been hit. :'''Six:''' So far they've steered clear of headquarters. I'm on route to the keep now. :'''Rex:''' Are they really that stupid? Attacking the keep with me on board? This should only take a minute. :'''Noah:''' Wait up! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find Rex. It goes without saying "alive" would be ideal. Take the ship. :'''Providence Spy:''' Some kind of power surge. We're losing control of the helm! :'''Calan:''' Find out where it's coming from. Doc, if you'll excuse me-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six? :'''Six:''' Five minutes out. Prepare for an evac. I'm getting you off the ship. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Again with the Smack Hands? You always open with that move. Change it up a little! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Bobo:''' You see what you get? That's what happens when you interrupt my nap-- Bobo gets cranky! :'''Rex:''' I learned that the hard way, too. :'''Calan:''' All hands-- We've got intruders on deck four, five, and six. Get'em off our ship! :'''Rex:''' Go! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Attention, Providence. The ship is ours. :'''Rex:''' Ugh! Not even close, Van Kleiss! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Lay down your weapons, and your lives will be spared. Continue to resist and nothing survives. :'''Rex:''' You've made I made some lame-o moves before, Van Kleiss, but this one-- classic. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Seems you may have run out of tricks. Oh, you had to know it would only be a matter of time. I've had a fair amount of time on my hands these days. ''[Restrains Rex with his gauntlet]'' :'''Rex:''' Aaaaah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You took something very precious from me, Rex, and now I'll be returning the favor. :'''Rex:''' If you want my monkey, you can forget it. :''[Van Kleiss starts draining nanites from Rex, causing him to squirm and scream in pain.]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It might come as a surprise that when you stole the nanites that gave my power, you left some of your behind-- Enough to tell me a few of what makes you tick. :''[Rex tries to summon a build, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ungh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'll find that using your powers will be something of a challenge. The nanites that you so special belong to me now. :'''Biowulf:''' What shall I do with him, master? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I have everything I need from him. I could care less. Secure the rest of the ship. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on! Do you really think throwing me out that hatch is the best way to get rid of me? Wouldn't it be more fun to throw me in a cage, tie me down in front of a laser? :'''Biowulf:''' No! :'''Rex:''' Aaaaaaaah! Wh-o-o-o-o-oa! :'''Noah:''' What is he doing? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This is no time to fool around, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Happened to notice that ground coming up on his, doc? If you don't do something fast, I'm about to become part of it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, are you okay? :'''Rex:''' I think we may have a problem. :'''White Knight:''' What do you mean "they have the keep"?! Blow it up! :'''Six:''' We tried. The remote-destruct sequence has been disabled. Van Kleiss has complete control of it. :'''White Knight:''' Give me some good news. :'''Six:''' We know where it's heading. Here. :'''Biowulf:''' This is the commanding officer. We found him attempting to destroy this ship. :'''Calan:''' What's your game, Van Kleiss? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, a very good question-- One that depends entirely on what happens next, Captain. It seems my powers have made a slight... change. :'''Rex:''' Well? They're gone, aren't they? Van Kleiss took all my active nanites. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. I found this. Definitely a nanite, but it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Molecular scans seems to indicate it's some kind of control-nanite. :'''Rex:''' But with nothing to control. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With a large enough concentration of nanites, we might be able to jump-start it. But even with that, there's no guarantee it would replicate or even give you back the same abilities. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I hate to say it, but this one has me stumped. :'''Rex:''' Great. Loving this. :'''White Knight:''' If you're finished with the lost cause, we've got a bigger problem. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, how is this possible? :'''Van Kleiss:''' It would seem Rex's nanites have an opposite effect on me. He cured EVOs. Now I create them. Full ahead-- Ramming speed! Once we're through, we'll destroy Providence from the inside out. :'''White Knight:''' Lock it down! I want hallways cleared and critical sections defended. They will not take this base. :'''Rex:''' Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go stop them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you're in no condition to fight. :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you expect me to do-- Hide? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Whatever it takes. That nanite inside you might be able to bring you back, but it's going to take me time to figure out how. And that's not something we have a lot of right now. :'''Rex:''' Wow. Nice outfit. :'''Noah:''' Got one for you, too. You get to armor up like the rest of us normals. :'''Rex:''' Come on. :'''Bobo:''' All right, where to? :'''Rex:''' South Pacific. :'''Bobo:''' That's my boy. And here I thought you'd try to pull some hero stunt. Oh, brother. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want the White Knight. Find where he's hiding and bring him to me. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That should be everything, as long as the offsite backup holds. :'''Six:''' Don't let it get to that. :'''Noah:''' This is a strange place for a base. :'''Rex:''' When I have too many nanites in me, this is where I go to offload. :'''Bobo:''' Think of it as a nanite porta-potty. :'''Noah:''' Thanks... For that image, Bobo. So, we just put some of these nanites in you, and we're good to go? :'''Rex:''' No. They're inactive. Or at least stripped of their programming. Since I can't control them, I just have to hope that whatever this thing is inside me can't. :'''Noah:''' So... What happens if it can't? :'''Bobo:''' Let me put it this way-- The last guy who went swimmin' in that soup ended up a 50-foot freak show. :'''White Knight:''' Listen to me carrefully, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'd rather not. :'''White Knight:''' Where are they? :'''Six:''' The inner perimeter has been compromised. They're coming. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Skalamander roars]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Open it. :'''Rex:''' Okay. Bobo, set the thing to "vent" and go. If this doesn't work, I don't want you getting caught in the blast. :'''Bobo:''' No. :'''Noah:''' Forget it. Rex, at least think about his for a sec. What if it wipes your memory? What it turns you into some evil monster? :'''Rex:''' My friends need me. There's nothing more to think about. Bobo, do it. :'''Bobo:''' Long odds, pay big. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Six:''' You've overstayed your welcome. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, here's someone who would make a nice addition to our EVO ranks. :'''Six:''' Go ahead and try. Ugh! :''[Six groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Trying to do my job for me, Six? Here's a thought-- When your top henchman can't even get rid of someone by throwing him out of a moving plane, time to rethink the help. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You are determined-- I'll give you that. If it's what you prefer, I'll finish you myself. :'''Rex:''' Maybe. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Cool! :'''Bobo:''' See? I told you it would work. :'''Six:''' This is an unexpected surprise. :'''Rex:''' Well, by now, you should expect the unexpected from me, Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Bobo:''' Not anymore. :'''Noah:''' You think there might be more of them? :'''Bobo:''' Eh... Probably. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Aaaaaaah! :'''White Knight:''' I use that electromagnet to trap stray nanites. You're lucky it's on the lowest setting. Any higher, and it would rip the nanites right out of your body. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Then why don't you? :'''White Knight:''' Because then I wouldn't be able to do this. :'''Skalamander:''' No one can help you. You're all alone now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. We still have my sister. :''[Skalamander grunting]'' :''[Rex and Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Aaaaah! :'''Rex:''' No way! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :'''Rex:''' Once again, epic fail. I'll take my nanites back now. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Noah:''' Rex, wait! :'''Bobo:''' Van Kleiss left behind a few presents. :'''Rex:''' No time to look everywhere. I'm shutting everything down. :'''Noah:''' You can do that? :'''Rex:''' Don't know. Never tried. Anything else? No? :'''Calan:''' Whew! I never want to do that again. No, sir. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Amazing. :'''Rex:''' Why, thank you. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I was talking about the nanites. That was a risky move, Rex, but it worked. As far as I can tell, you're back to your old self. :'''Rex:''' I don't know. Something feels different. That new build-- I think I can do even more. It's like I can see the blueprints. I just need to figure out how to put it all together. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight in person. Never thought I'd see the day. :'''White Knight:''' Well, don't get used to it. We found all the explosives. The base and the keep will need extensive repairs. This was not our finest hour. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? We kicked butt! So what if Van Kleiss is back and more powerful than ever? So am I! If he wants a nanite war, let him bring it! :''[White Knight laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' It's good to have your back, Rex. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You know, I think he actually means it. :'''Rex:''' Sure he does. So, tell me something, guys-- What's next? ==Season Two (2011)== ===Rampage=== <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I'll give you the recap. Thanks to these microscopic machines called nanites, I can build cool gear out of my body. I'm what's called an EVO. But most evo's aren't lucky like me. They usually look like this. ''[laughing]'' I know what you're thinking. And they smell bad, too. There's one other thing I can do that makes me even more special. Some EVOs, I can cure. That's why I work for Providence. We're the people you call when an evo is tearing up your lawn or attacking a city. And the worst of them is this guy... Van Kleiss. The last time we fought, things got a little out of hand. I'll admit it... we pretty much got our tails handed to us. He steals the key, wrecks headquarters, hijacks my nanite to get back the powers I took away from him. And now he can actually make people into EVOs. Then, to top it off, he has his dog boy Biowulf throw me, overboard at 6,000 feet. Not that anyone's keeping score. Sure, Van Kleiss may be back, but so am I. So what if he can make EVOs? I can still cure them. He may have new powers, but guess what... I do, too. Ever since my powers came back, I've got the ability to make amazing new machines. Now I just have to figure out how to build more. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' If you're trying to check up on me, Six, the answer's still a big fat... ''[imitates buzzer]'' I can't figure out how to make this new build. :'''Six:''' It might take some time, but you'll get it. :'''Rex:''' And meanwhile, Van Kleiss is out there doing who knows what. I wish they'd hurry up and get the H.Q. Rebuilt. You're not still living out of your jump jet like some ninja hobo, are you? :'''Six:''' My temporary accommodations are perfectly adequate. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Still living in the jet. ''[Groans]'' I hate being kicked out of our house. Although, as long as they're building stuff, I need a hot tub. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "I was wondering when you and your hair would show up again, Van Kleiss." :'''Van Kleiss:''' Back to your old self again, I see. And how are those new abilities developing?" :'''Rex:''' Just fine. Thanks for asking." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Don't you have anything better to do with your life then come after me all the time?" :'''Van Kleiss:''' "Funny you should ask." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Doc? How are those biometrics looking now? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Give it a try. :'''Rex:''' Ah, yeah! It's about time! Machines work. I just hope the important part does. :'''Noah:''' What just happened? :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? :'''Noah:''' It all kind of hazy. I mostly remember the feeling of... Fun. And I remember you punching me in the face. :'''Rex:''' Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to eat me. Come on. We've got a rat to catch. Why so happy? Is this the part where breach shows up and rescues you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, no. This is the part where she takes your inadequately guarded fuel core. :'''Six:''' Six to post, what's your status? Six to post. :'''Rex:''' Another decoy? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I should share some of the credit with your friend over here. He played the part to perfection. :'''Noah:''' Gee, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, this would be the part where Breach shows up. :'''Noah:''' I can't believe I did all this. Sounds like I had the time of my life. :'''Rex:''' ''[laughing]'' It almost became your life. Sorry about that. :'''Noah:''' Are you kidding? Just knowing I was a rampaging evo is cool. I wish I could have remembered at least some of it. :'''Rex:''' It's probably all over the news if you want a replay... At least until you stepped on the news van. :'''Noah:''' Well... ''[Exhales sharply]'' Guess it's back to quadratic equations. :'''Rex:''' I have no idea what those are. I've got somewhere I need to be. See you later. I know. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't care if it's a construction zone. I'm moving back. :'''Six:''' It's all right. Turns out you're not the only one who feels that way. You'll get used to the cold showers. Food, you're on your own. From the top? :'''Rex:''' From the top. :'''Six:''' What were you trying to build, anyway? :'''Rex:''' A water jet. Oh, by the way, I need a new cellphone. :'''Six:''' Yes? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' It's after my glasses again. :'''Six:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' This time I am serious. Now, when are you going to send someone out here? :'''Six:''' Ma'am, I'm... :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' Do you even work for Providence? :'''Six:''' Yes, I work for Providence. :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' What kind of a flimflam outfit is this? :'''Six:''' How did you get this number? ===Wasteland=== ===Tough Love=== ===The Lost Weekend=== :'''Kenwyn:''' What did you to Skwydd? :'''Mouse:''' Just shedding a light light on how dangerous his kind can be. :'''Rex:''' By juicing his powers? What were you thinking? :'''Mouse:''' Most inorganic material explodes when given that kind of molecular jolt, but not not nanites. They convert the energy into power that amplifies an E.V.O.'s abilities to tremendously uncontrollable levels. ===Star-Crossed=== ===Alliance=== :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' And he brought his Pack flunkies. Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach. Circe? Gotta hurry. Their headed straight for... someplace else. Gonna find out where. <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex why aren't you fixing that shield regulator? :'''Rex:''' Hint. You may remember him from such schemes as destroying Providence headquarters, and trying to take over the entire Earth. :'''Holiday:''' Van Kliess, in there? You're right. You should investigate after you fix the shield. :'''Rex:''' Then it might be too late. :'''Holiday:''' She's there, isn't she? :'''Rex:''' Who? Breach? Yeah, but... :'''Holiday:''' A quick recon and that's it. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Intriguing. An entire urban branch of EVO. development. :'''Biowulf:''' This place is a waste of our time. :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss knows what he's doing. It's not your place to question. :'''Biowulf:''' Question?! You dare accuse me of disloyalty?! :'''Circe:''' Sorry. Get a grip! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You're right, you know. We should be down there with him. What is he up to anyway? :'''Biowulf:''' I do not know. :'''Circe:''' You don't know? I thought he trusted you with everything. :'''Biowulf:''' Of course he does! He just-- :'''Rex:''' Hey! Easy on the stealth suit, which apparently, isn't so stealthy. <hr width80%> :'''NoFace:''' Invaders have come before. They brought only pain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' It is a pain we both share. The same Providence outsides attacked my lands, destroyed my army. :'''NoFace:''' There was one who tormented us, humiliated us. The grower of machines. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ah, Rex. Another thorn we share. My proposal is simple: You control a formidable legion. I, in turn, can provide the escape and the vengeance you seek. I can be your liberator. You can be my general. Together we will crush our enemies, starting with the one you hate most. Now are we-- :'''Biowulf:''' Master, I have a report. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[irritated]'' This is a private conversation. Can't you handle the sightest detail without bothering me? :'''Biowulf:''' Of course, Master. It was nothing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Here comes the moment when our brave hero sweeps the girl of her feet! Literally! :'''Biowulf:''' Don't let him. :'''Circe:''' Hey! Let-- :'''Rex:''' ''[flies off with Circe in his arms]''' See you around, henchie! :'''Biowulf:''' ''[to Skalamander]'' Follow them. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Down, now! :'''Rex:''' Not till we hear each other out! :'''Circe:''' Sure! I'll go first. :''[Breaks the Bogie Pack with a hypersonic burst, causing them to fall]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, great. Way to go, Circe. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' Our hero pursues the girl of his dreams, heedless of her attempts to break his heart... along with the rest of him. Circe, just one minute, okay? Look-No powers! :'''Circe:''' One minute! But if this is about leaving the Pack-- :'''Rex:''' Please. I'm way past that. There are bigger things going here than who you hang out with. :'''Circe:''' Fifty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I wasn't sent here to spy on you. I'm here to stop these things from ever getting out. :'''Circe:''' Forty! Why are you telling me this? You know who I am! :'''Rex:''' You've seen the things that live here. Whatever deal you think Van Kleiss is making, it's going to turn out bad for everyone. :'''Circe:''' Thirty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I do know who you are, Circe. Just for once think for yourself. Maybe your perfect leader could actually be wrong, maybe even a bit crazy, nuts, certifiably insane! : '''Circe:''' Shut up! Twenty! Talk about blinded. Did you ever wonder why Van Kleiss is so interested in you? :'''Rex:''' Oh, I don't know. Maybe he wants me dead? :'''Circe:''' Not anymore. Something has changed, Rex. Ever since you got your powers back, I hear him talking. Saying you have something that's the key to everything. For whatever reason, he needs you alive. I know it, Rex. He'd never let you be killed. :'''Rex:''' Never, huh? :'''Circe:''' Time's up! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Now this looks like a party. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rex, you never cease to amaze me. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' Defiler! Give him to us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now do you believe I can deliver what I say? Will yoh agree to my leadership? :'''No-Face:''' We agree to it! Give him to us! Now! Now! Now! :'''Circe:''' ''[very shocked]''' Van Kleiss, I didn't bring Rex here so that you could-- He'll kill him! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Never forget how I found you, Circe. What you were... before. He's yours. :''[Tears well up in Circe's eyes; thoroughly horrified that her master would calmly allow Rex's life to be put at risk]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[weakly]''' Is this what you wanted? :''[Collapses from his inquiries, causing Circe to open her eyes]'' :'''Circe''' ''[tearful, pleading]'': Stop this! Please! You need him alive! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Alive, yes. Heart pumping, lungs breathing, but his mind? The less there's left of that, the better. Circe, I warn you: Lift so much as a finger to help him, and you're finished! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You, Biowulf, even me. We're all just means to an end for him. He doesn't really care for any of us. :'''Rex:''' So you finally figured that out. Better late than never, I guess. :'''Circe:''' It's not too late! Not if I have anything to say about it! :''[Extends her fleshly and grotesque EVOs mouth]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! Whoa! There are some of us who might not like the sound of whatever you're about to do! :'''Circe:''' I'll adjust the frequency to exclude friendly EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Does that include me? :'''Circe:''' For now. :''[Uses her melodious, hypnotic singing to call back the EVOs escaping]'' :'''Rex:''' I thought you said you could filter it. :'''Circe:''' It's not an exact science. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss. :'''Rex:''' Breach'll get him out... eventually. But right now he's in there, you're out here. You don't have a better opportunity to consider your options. :''[Notice the two of them holding hands and let go, blushing]'' :'''Bobo:''' What is it stealing from our own people that's so dang satisfying? :'''Circe:''' You forget to remove the tracker. I'm not going to Providence. :'''Rex:''' Doesn't matter where you go. All that matters is that you want to go there. That said. I hear Hong Kong's nice this time of year. ===Robo Bobo=== ===Divide By Six=== :'''One''': ''[Speaking through Rex]'' Six. :'''Six''': One? :'''One''': You left this place, quit life as a mercenary and so rarely returned to visit. :'''Six''': I did what I felt was right, I never meant to dishonor. :'''One''': So rarely, that I never had time to tell you how proud you've made me. :'''Six''': ''[Takes off his glasses for the first time in the series]'' We're going to help you. We're going to take you home. :'''One''': But Six, I am home. ''[Rex falls unconscious while One's body starts changing. Eventually his body dissolves and fertilizes the entire island to its former splendor]'' : '''Six:''' He's still One. He's just one with everything. ===Mixed Signals=== : '''Rex:''' Whoa, big guy! Someone needs to ease off on the cheeseburgers. : '''Six:''' Skip the insults. Start the containment. : '''Rex:''' Like its feelings are going to get hurt. One bad and ugly going down. What? : '''Six:''' Rex? Rex! : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Six:''' You want to explain this? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. It's like some weird vision of this thing filled my head, then built itself out of me. Maybe the vision came from Blobbo. Maybe it's trying to talk to me. Come on, big boy. Send me some more pictures. What's on your mind? : '''Six:''' Groceries. That's what's on its mind. : '''Rex:''' I'm skipping. I'm over it. That vision must have been a fluke. : '''Six:''' All right, then. We're going with a two-prong attack. Use caution. This kind of EVO might be a splitter. Rex! Snap out of it! : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Ha! I wasn't supposed to do that, right? : '''Six:''' Rex, I want you back at HQ. : '''Rex:''' But I feel okay now. And we've got, um-- Two blobs to put down. : '''Six:''' Now! : '''Holiday:''' No trace of any recent electrochemical or DNA abnormalities. Everything reads normal. : '''Rex:''' But it's like the visions were being transmitted, and I was seeing it from a nanite point of view. : '''Holiday:''' I can't track it, Rex. There's no sign of signal displacement or a nano disturbance. Maybe we should consider the possibility that this is psychological. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Pizza. : '''Holiday:''' I think he's having another vision. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Of lunch? : '''Rex:''' With pineapple and salmon. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Blech! He is nuts. : '''Holiday:''' Aside from a strange choice in pizza toppings, all readings are normal. I can't explain it. : '''Rex:''' Well, if my nanites are trying to get me to build something, maybe we should give them what they want. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Whatever it is, I'm not eating it. Is that my electric toothbrush? : '''Rex:''' It better not be the one I've been using. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Oh. : '''Rex:''' This is what I'm seeing in my head. As stupid as it looks. It's like someone or something is sending me instructions to build some big device. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Or build a pizza with pineapple and salmon. : '''Rex:''' Okay. I'm not sure about that vision. : '''Holiday:''' Is that my hairdryer? : '''Rex:''' I just need to figure out what it does. Maybe it's a time machine. Or-- Or alien technology! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Maybe it's just a big pile of junk. Or a way to order a really awful pizza. : '''Contraption Voice:''' Target acquired. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Wake up! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Provindece Soldier #1:''' Hey, where do you think you're going? We've got a security breach. Front floor. : '''Providence Soldier #2:''' Lockdown protocols enabled. All hands report to duty station. Security speed, take position. : '''Rex:''' Sorry, guys. I might be a little... late. : '''Caesar:''' Case compression. Release. : '''Rex:''' Figures I'd build a machine with a serious attitude problem. : '''Caesar:''' ''[taking off his helmet and turns to Rex]'' Rex, is that you? : '''Rex:''' Who’s asking? : '''Caesar:''' It’s me, Caesar, your brother! Mijo! ''[Hugs Rex]'' You're alive and... older. ''[Rex is dumbfounded]'' Uh. Atomic clock was right... ''[spanish accent]'' Es una problema grande. : '''Rex:''' Uh, yeah. ''[Pushes Caesar]'' It is a big problem. : '''Caesar:''' What is this place? Who are you people? ''[to Rex]'' I'm getting you out of here! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Sorry, amigo. Put your hands up. Or don't. I got a clear shot either way. : '''Caesar:''' ''[is looking at Bobo]'' A talking chimp? : '''Bobo Haha:''' Don't bother. I've heard all the jokes. : '''Caesar:''' Have they hurt you? Are you okay? Stand aside. : '''Rex:''' Hello? Do I get a say in this? : '''Holiday:''' If you're part of some elaborate plan to kidnap Rex, then you failed. : '''Caesar:''' Listen, bonita, you don't wanna make me use this. : '''Rex:''' ''[gets in between them]'' Enough! Normally around here when someone barges in talking crazy, they get around into the deck plates by my giant fists. But you seem legit. I'm going with him. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Okay, brother. Lead the way. So if you are my brother, where have you been all this time? : '''Caesar:''' I'll explain later when we're safe. : '''Rex:''' Uh, this is Providence. We are safe. Usually. : '''Caesar:''' Providence? Never heard of it. To be honest, the last five years has been a bit of a blur. : '''Rex:''' I want to believe you, but I'm gonna need some proof. : '''Caesar:''' Your name is Rex Salazar. Our parents are Violetta and Raphael. The last time I saw you was at the Applied Nanite Research Lab in Abysus; right before those fools triggered a replication cycle. : '''Rex:''' And I have total amnesia so, for all I know, that could be completely bogus. : '''Caesar:''' There's a scar on the back of your left knee you got when you were seven, riding the gantry arm in the reactor annex. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. I always wondered how I got that. :''[they go out and Rex notices Caesar Salazar's pod laboratory]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. Nice wheels. : '''Six:''' ''[Comes out and unsheathed his swords]'' Don't even think about it. : ''[Caesar is about to attack but Rex stops him]'' : '''Rex:''' It's okay. Six isn't going to hurt you. Right, Six? You're comming in a little late on this, but, uh, this is Caesar, my brother, and he wants to get me out of here. So, let's just let my brother have his way and see where this all goes. Wherever you plan on going, they're going to follow us. You know that, right? : '''Caesar:''' They can try. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. Providence ship are pretty fast. : '''Six:''' Track Rex's bio signature and find out who that guy really is. : '''Rex:''' You ain't kidding. This thing moves fast. A-are we in the arctic? : '''Caesar:''' How do you think I got to your location so quickly once the locator signaled me? : '''Rex:''' Locator? You sent me the schematics to build that thing? It tried to crush me like a bug! : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, mijo. I wasn't really trying to hurt. ''[scans Rex's body]'' I was looking for what's hiding inside of you. ''[showing Rex the result]'' The Omega One Nanite. : '''Rex:''' That thing? Holiday discovered it before. We had no idea what it was. : '''Caesar:''' I sent signal instructions for the Omega One to track and contain. But since the nanite has integrated into your DNA, you became the conduit for building the machine. What I don't get is how the Omega One got inside of you. Rylander was supposed to have that under lock and key. : '''Rex:''' Rylander? He's the one who put it inside me. : '''Caesar:''' Why would he do a thing like that? I'm really gonna have to let old fool have it when I see him. : '''Rex:''' Not possible-- Courtesy of Van Kleiss. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss?! What does that third-rate lab hack have to do with this? : '''Rex:''' What? I guess I’m not the only one who needs an update. Where have you been? : '''Caesar:''' It's a long story-- actually, short by my clock. A splinter group had formed at the lab. They had other ideas about how the nanites would be used. We tried to stop them, and you were hurt. The only way to save your life was an infusion of nanites. It was risky, but it worked. We thought that'd be enough to stop the others, make them see the right path. But we were wrong. Mom and Dad were in the reactor. As for me, I managed to escape in my lab. But the shock wave, the same shock wave that probably blanked your memory.... also interfered with engine that powers this pod. I was stuck in sub-light drive. : '''Rex:''' How long? : '''Caesar:''' Fifteen minutes. That's how long it took me to reboot the system. But at the speed I was going, it was 5 years of your time. I knew there was an accident, but I had no idea how bad. My nanite sensors were off the charts. My 1st priority was to insure the OM-1 was safe. That was our promise. And here we are. So, what have I missed these past five years? : '''Rex:''' Providence? We need to talk. They can wait. : '''Caesar:''' So let me understand, there are EVOs and Van Kleiss claimed as their leader? : '''Rex:''' Well, not for all of them, yet. I want to know about me, about our parents. : '''Caesar:''' They were scientists. We lived all over the world. Things settled down when you came along. That was in Geneva. : '''Rex:''' Wait a second. Are you saying I'm Swiss? : ''Caesar:'' Not really. Mother was born in Mexico City. Father in Buenos Aires. : '''Rex:''' And they're really... gone? ''[Caesar slowly nods sadly]'' : '''Rex:''' Um, where exactly did this ship take us? : '''Caesar:''' What do you know?We're back at the original lab site. : '''Rex:''' You mean the one in Abysus? : '''Caesar:''' Is that a problem? : '''Rex:''' I'd say just a small one. We should go, like now. : '''Caesar:''' ''[typing]'' Hmm... Must be low on charge. ''[walks out the door]'' We may be stuck, but on the bright side, I can take a look at some of these variegated organisms. ''[goes out]'' : '''Rex:''' Caesar! Wait! : ''[outside and observing the EVOs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating. We theorized mutations might occur but never anything this random. : ''[Rex hits the EVO before they got near Caesar]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Sorry, bro, but these guys-- : ''[Rex hits another EVO]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Usually don't sit still for questions. : '''Caesar:''' ''[seeing Rex's new build]'' Hmm... That's new. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Guess I've learned a-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' A few tricks. But they still won't be enough if Van Kleiss shows up with all his goons. Six! : '''Six:'''We're locked onto you. The keep is already on its way. : '''Rex:''' Your ship may be out of juice, but I'm not. Hop on. I can get us out of here. : '''Caesar:''' I won't leave my lab, and you definitely don't want Van Kleiss getting his hands on some of the things in here. I'll try to reroute the capacitors to an alternate power source. : '''Caesar:''' Oh, you wanna see a photo of you, me, and papi? Maybe later. : '''Rex:''' You're a little off, aren't you, Caesar? : '''Biowulf:''' What was that machine it flew off with? : '''Van Kleiss:''' A laboratory. One I thought I'd never see again. It seems an old friend has returned-Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Providence isn't so bad now, eh, hermano? : '''Caesar:''' Is this a Grinnell? They always made good consoles, except for the random power surges. : '''Six:''' Well? : '''Rex:''' Everything's cool. He's a little kooky, but I'm pretty sure he's my brother. : '''Six:''' Glad to hear it. Now I need you back. We still have some unfinished business. : '''Rex:''' Got to get back to work. : '''Caesar:''' My little brother, the hero. I remember when you just wanted to be a musician. : '''Rex:''' Guitar? No, wait drums. : '''Caesar:''' Accordion. : '''Rex:''' You got to be kidding me! : '''Six:''' As I recall, you started it. : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Six:''' The EVO is dividing faster than we can contain it. The city is being evacuated. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Excuse me, admiral. I need you to take me down there immediately. Afraid I'll have to insist. : '''Six:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Are you crazy?! : '''Caesar:''' Depends on who you ask. I had something in my lab that I thought could help. : '''Six:''' Help? You're not even supposed to be outside the keep. : '''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Way to go, bro! First day on the job, and you already got a save! : '''Six:''' Job? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on, admit it, Six. He just saved our chicharrones. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? What's so funny? : '''Caesar:''' You always make me laugh when you try to speak Spanish. : '''Holiday:''' We've pulled his records, and I've confirmes his DNA. It seems Rex really does have a brother. : '''White Knight:''' If everything I've read about him is true, he could be an incredible asset to Providence. : '''Six:''' Or a major liability. : '''White Knight:''' All the more reason to keep him with us. Give him whatever he needs. : '''Holiday:''' White's right, Six. He knows more about nanites than anyone on the planet. He helped invent them. : '''Six:''' My point exactly. He's settling in? : '''Rex:''' I guess so. Caesar's a little strange. Hard to believe he's actually my brother. : '''Six:''' I'm happy for you, Rex. You always said you wanted to find your family. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but... You know that? I already did. Caesar may be my brother, but you, Holiday, Bobo, you're who I have a connection with. : '''Bobo:''' Aww, now, see, I'm getting all misty. : '''Caesar:''' There you are. Hmm. Nice view. Say, mijo, you think your cafeteria could whip up a pizza with pineapple and salmon? I've been craving one for days. : '''Bobo:''' Connection, huh? ===Outpost=== :'''Valentina:''' Ugh! We were returning them to their natural habitat! What Providence does is wrong and against the natural order of things! You're a traitor to your own kind. :'''Rex:''' That's creature's job is to ''exterminate'' mankind! It wanted to kill you! ===Haunted=== ===Moonlighting=== ===Without a Paddle=== ===Written in Sand=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I need an uptade. :'''Rex''': I'm right at the edge. Anything still alive in there is trying to get away from the sandstorm. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's not the storm they're running from. The nanites inside them are forcing the animals away. It's creating a kind of nanite-free zone. :'''Rex''': Ha! We should call White Knight. Maybe he'll move here and leave us all alone. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's no laughing matter, Rex. It could be the most significant development since the original nanite event. :'''Rex''': Yeah, yeah. Possible cures save the world-- Got it. I'll check it out. :'''Bobo''': Hey, doc. You may wanna get a load of this over here. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Negative. The storm is moving in too fast. Just place a sensor and pack it in. :'''Rex''': Hey. No. It couldn't be. Rex to base. We got trouble of the egomaniacal EVO kind. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Van Kleiss is here? Why am I not surprised? :'''Rex''': I think the real question is, if everything else is in such a race to get out, why is he going on? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, wait. :'''Rex''': Don't worry, doc. It's me. What could possibly happen? :'''Skalamander''': RARGH! PTUH! They're nothing but dirt. :'''Biowulf''': My senses-- Useless in all this sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': This phenomenon deserves my personal attention. What we seek is nearby. I can feel it pushing against me. :'''Rex''': ''[Rex emerges from the sand storm]'' Yeah? :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex''': ''[Rex kicks Skalamander]'' How about kicking against you, too? :'''Van Kleiss''': Rex! You're not welcome here. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Now, that hurt my feelings! :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Skalamander pins him to the sand, causing him to groan in pain]'' :''[Skalamander laughs]'' :'''Rex''': Aaah! Whoa! :'''Van Kleiss''': If I never see your face again, It will be too soon! :'''Rex''': Yeah? The feeling's-- Whoa! Mutual! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex? Rex, do you read me? :''[Bobo coughing]'' :'''Bobo''': Okay, we gotta get outta here. I got sand in places I didn't even know I had places. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, if you can hear me, we're retreating to the safe zone. Rendezvous with us there. :'''Rex''': AAAAH! WHOA-OHHHHHHH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex coughs]'' :'''Rex''': Okay, Kleiss-- Go time! No EVO allies, just you and-- Whoa! Uh, sorry, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you along for the ride. :'''Van Kleiss''': I don't need my EVO allies, when I can simply make more. :'''Rex''': Don't get me wrong-- I love punching stuff. But anything you can do, I can undo better! We can do this all day. Or you can just spill it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': Why are you causing this nanite-free zone? :'''Van Kleiss''': How convenient it must be to make me the root of all evil. I'm not causing it. I've come to discover the source and destroy it. :'''Rex''': This could be the cure to nanites. :'''Van Kleiss''': And I live off nanites. What Providence calls a cure, I call death. :'''Rex''': Really? Haven't we moved past this? :'''Van Kleiss''': Huh? :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :''[After Van Kleiss creates a scorpion EVO to attack Rex, it attacks him instead.]'' :'''Rex''': That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Hang on-- I got to get this on video. ''[Takes out cell phone and starts recording Van Kleiss dodging the scorpion EVO.]'' :''[Van Kleiss panting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Something's wrong. I should be controlling this creature. :'''Rex''': Stinks to be you. Huh? You ruined my shot! :'''Van Kleiss''': I believe we've found something more interesting. :'''Rex''': You like to point out the obvious, don't you? :'''Bobo''': Don't get me wrong-- I love the kid, but if we don't pull stakes now, we'll be combing dust outta all sorts of places for years. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Too late. Hold on to everything that's not tied down. This is going to be a bumpy... ride. :'''Six''': Holiday? I trust you're all right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': I'm fine, Six. But Rex is still out there-- With Van Kleiss. I can't reach him. :'''Six''': We'll prep a rescue party. Prepare to come aboard. :'''Rex''': Hey! :'''Van Kleiss''': This is not simply a nanite-free zone. Something is stealing the nanites from our bodies. If we linger here too long, we may both find ourselves defenseless against the other. :'''Rex''': Well, then, we'd better blow this joint. And when I say "we" I mean "me". :''[Rex tries to escape and fails]'' :'''Rex''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': If either of us is to escape this place, we will have to work together. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': What exactly are you suggesting? :'''Van Kleiss''': A temporary truce. :'''Rex''': An extremely temporary truce. :'''Van Kleiss''': We'll work our way to the center of the nanite storm. :'''Rex''': No, we work our way out of the nanite storm and get Providence in here to figure out what's happening. :'''Van Kleiss''': Providence? They can't be trusted. :'''Rex''': Them? Didn't you try to take over New York? And Europe? And the world? :'''Van Kleiss''': You need to listen to me, Rex. Without a powers, you're nothing but a child. :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah? Truce over! Okay. This is awkward. Hey, is it just me, or are you getting really dust? :'''Van Kleiss''': It's happening faster than I thought. :'''Rex''': What's happening faster? If you know something, you'd better spit it out, or-- Whoa! It all looks fossilized. Like it's made completely out of... sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': Not only are there no nanites here, this is pure silicone. There are no other elements-- No carbon, calcium, hydrogen. It appears that this zone not only destroys nanites, but is-- :'''Rex''': Squeezing the life from the Earth. This isn't sand. This is me! :''[Rex whimpering]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': These glyphs-- There's something familiar about them. Sumatran? Mesopotamian? :'''Rex''': Less geeking, more escaping! :'''Van Kleiss''': We need to find the epicenter of this maze. These glyphs may hold the answer. :'''Rex''': Only if one says "exit sign." :'''Van Kleiss''': No need to panic, Rex. We have at least twenty minutes before fossilization-- Give or take. :'''Rex''': "Don't panic"-- Says the guy who used to be dirt. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex''': We're turning into walking litter boxes, and you're checking out caveman graffiti? No wonder I'm always kicking your butt. :'''Van Kleiss''': You don't have an investigative bone in your body, do you? So strongheaded-- Just like your mother. ''[Rex is silent]'' No, you don't like that, do you-- That I know more about you than you do? :'''Rex''': Skip the head games. Isn't exactly a good time. :'''Van Kleiss''': No, but perhaps it is time for some truth. We may perish down here, Rex. Ask me anything you want about the past, and I'll answer it. :'''Rex''': ''[looks at his own slowly fossilizing body]'' Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. :''[walks away]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, so the great and powerful Providence has finally come through on their promise to help you remember your past. :'''Rex''': Something better-- Someone who was actually there at the Nanite Event. :'''Van Kleiss''': Aha. Your brother, Caesar. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': I've been following you both very closely since his... miraculous reappearance. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, this one's for free. Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': ''[creates his BFS and holds it at Van Kleiss' throat]'' What are you getting at? :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, no, no. That's not how this works. It isn't my turn. Quid pro quo, Rex. If you want to know more-- Why don't we start with something simple? Rylander's Omega Nanite. I know it's inside you. :'''White Knight''': Status uptade? :'''Six''': Still no fix on Rex. Scanners can't cut through the storm, so we're moving in to stage a recon. :'''White Knight''': I will not risk everyone on board that ship for one agent. Not even that agent. :''[Holiday subtly ends the call. Then to Six]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Whoops. Guess the satellite feed went down. Nasty sand. :''[Six smirks]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Caesar? Wanted you to know we haven’t found him yet. :'''Caesar''': Found who? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. :'''Caesar''': Right. Ah. Sorry. That was, uh, fifteen minutes ago. I've done about five hundred task since then. Try calibrating the keep's sensors to search for traces of Selenium. It's something Rex naturally gives off, like dandruff. :'''Dr. Holiday''': I-- Really? Hmm. Okay, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss''': So what you're saying is, the motor runs off of gravity and the only exhausts are atoms of selenium. :'''Rex''': Now you. Squid Pro... Whatever. The nanites, the Event. What started all this? :'''Van Kleiss''': He didn't tell you? I'm not surprised. It was Caesar. :''[Rex pushes Van Kleiss to nearest wall and take out his BFS once again]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Wasteful, Rex. :'''Rex''': You're lying! :'''Van Kleiss''': Hardly. Your brother is responsible for the most significant catastrophe in human history. You have to admit that as brilliant as Caesar is, he's... not quite right. Am I telling you something that you haven't already noticed? :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': HAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss coughing]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': You seem to have awoken some sort of defense mechanism. :'''Rex''': What are they defending? Rocks? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Before we're totally devoid of nanites, we need to end this now-- Together. :'''Rex''': Back to back! :'''Van Kleiss''': What? :'''Rex''': Haven't you ever read a comic book? Back to back! No way. These markings-- They're not hieroglyphics. They're circuit boards. This whole cave, this valley-- It's one giant circuit board. These are data conduits-- Ms. Hubs! :'''Van Kleiss''': You're right. These spirals are solid-state storage-- The standard design for a firewall in a CPU. :'''Rex''': Did you just say I'm right? Now that I know what we're dealing with, it's a simple matter of-- Hacking in. This is malo-- Muy malo. Van Kleiss, meet the psycho computer who calls herself-- :'''Van Kleiss''': Zag-RS? :'''Rex''': How do you know that? ''[Zag-RS notices them and attacks them]'' You know Zag-RS? How? :'''Van Kleiss''': She was designed as a decontamination program at the original nanite laboratory. Her task was to destroy any rogue nanites that escaped from the holding tanks. :'''Rex''': She did a great job. Whoever designed her should be taken out and beaten with a tendril. :'''Van Kleiss''': Caesar designed her. :'''Rex''': I'm gonna have to have a chat with my brother when this is over. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Focus, you fool. If we're to survive this, we have to use whatever nanites we have left to shut her down. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': No problemo! Ah, come on! Stay up! Show off! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Well, this bites. :''[Rex straining]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Didn't I leave you in orbit? Shouldn't you have burned up in re-entry or something? :'''Zag-RS''': Re-entry resulted in a hard desert landing. This unit faced complete system failure. Salvation came from integration with the host space station power cell, where new initiatives were established. :'''Rex''': Turning the world into a sandbox? :'''Zag-RS''': Correct. The prevention of organic infection by elimination of organic matter and securing the Earth core system. Soon, this world will function without flaw. :'''Rex''': Van Kleiss! Change of plan! While, I've got Zaggy occupied, you go and warn Providence before it's too late! :'''Van Kleiss''': There's no time. Her strength is growing exponentially. To achieve victory, you must trust me. :'''Rex''': Trust you?! That's comedy gold! Even if I was that big of a doof, neither one of us had enough power to fight back! :'''Van Kleiss''': That's not entirely true. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Van Kleiss''': I've not been completely honest with you. :'''Rex''': Stunned-- Really. :'''Van Kleiss''': The Omega Nanite within you has a self-replicating program. You can create your own nanites. :'''Rex''': What?! Why didn't you tell me! :'''Van Kleiss''': A calculated emission. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': No way. :'''Van Kleiss''': There-- That is the heart of Zag-RS. Strike while you can! :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah! Now we're talking! Normally, I don't fight girls, but this time I'll make... A big... giant... robot exception! :'''Dr. Holiday''': I found him, Six-- twenty kilometers northeast. There's a huge spike in trace selenium. :'''Six''': Charge all weapons. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The storm's starting to break. But please don't crash. :'''Rex''': YAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': That's not fair! It worked in the movie! :''[Rex whimpers]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :'''Rex''': AAAH! :'''Zag-RS''': You have miscalculated, human. The more nanites you replicate, the more energy you supply me. 7.5 seconds until I overtake your production. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Zag-RS''': 4.3 seconds. :'''Van Kleiss''': AAAAAAAAAH! :'''Rex''': YAAAAAAH! One psycho robot down, one supervillain to chicken! Finally! :'''Bobo''': What, you never heard the term "fashionably late"? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Your nanite-replicating function seems to be working well. Most of Zag-RS' alterations have been expunged. :'''Rex''': Meaning... What? :'''Bobo''': You ain't gonna wash away at high tide. :'''Caesar''': This is my design. :'''Rex''': Great-- My brother created Zag-RS. :'''Caesar''': Evidently. Though her evolution into some sort of sentient nanite-slayer is most curious. :'''Six''': Curious? :'''Rex''': What about what Van Kleiss said? :'''Caesar''': You mean I'm to blame for the original nanite event? Why don't we ask her? Wait! Interface protocols. Code designate Zag-RS. Respond. :'''Zag-RS''': Dr. Salazar. Good morning. How may I assist you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Stand down, gentlemen. Zag-RS has been successfully rebooted. But her memory has been wiped clean. :'''Rex''': What? You got to be kidding me! :'''Caesar''': That's interesting. Hmm. Van Kleiss must have implemented a program dump before he left you. It's the only logical conclusion. :'''Rex''': Program dump? :'''Van Kleiss''': Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': Great. So now all we've got is a lame decontamination program with a GPS lady's voice? :'''Caesar''': GPS lady? Hardly. :'''Rex:''' I was making a joke. :'''Caesar''': Don't you recognize it? When I programmed her, I wanted a voice that meant safety, protection, caring. Rex, this is our mother's voice. :'''Rex''': ''[shocked]'' Mama? ===Night Falls=== : '''Rex:''' If she's not really our grandmother, why are you calling her ''aubuela''? : '''Caesar:''' There may not be a biological connection but she practically ran the entire town. When you were a boy, you spent every summer here. : '''Rex:''' I wish I could remember...or any of this. ===Hard Target=== : '''Rex:''' "It's Breach! She's-" : '''Circe:''' "Messing with you, Rex. Did you actually see on her the other side?" : '''Rex:''' "Well, no but...OK, why Hong Kong?" : '''Circe:''' "Because it's on the other side of the world, because she's seriously messed up." : '''Cricket:'''" Kind of like our place." : '''Circe:''' "Trust me. She's back in Abysus laughing it off with the rest of the Pack. Besides, I'm not that easy to find." : (''Removes the white towel to reveal her shoulder-length black hair partly dyed a deep plum and having donned a dark gray overall dress'') : '''Rex:''' "OK, Rex. Bad intro. Take a do-over. Like the new look." : '''Circe:''' "Wow. A compliment." <hr width80%> :'''Skywdd:''' "And that's when Circe goes all [[w:Siren (mythology)|siren]] and blasts the bus driver's pants clean off." :'''Circe:''' "Lucky shot. Hit the exact frequency of polyester." :'''Tuck:''' "Good thing his boxers were cotton." :'''Rex''' (''uncomfortable'')''':''' "Good one. Uh, Circe, remember when you took down that sea monster in Cabo Luna?" :'''Circe:''' "Please, Rex, I'd rather not remember that right now." :'''Skywdd:''' Geez, Rex. Buzzkill." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Stop it." :'''Skywdd:''' "What's with him?" :'''Circe:''' "Breach lag. Let clean over his bedtime." :'''Rex:''' "That and my early morning snooze. By the way, you were right. Breach wasn't after you. She freed Quarry. Got this from the Providence security feed." :'''Skywdd:''' "Quarry?" :'''Tuck:''' "He's lose?" :'''Cricket:''' "Oh no." :'''Circe:''' "You saw Breach and came back ''here!'' What if she followed you!?" :'''Rex:''' "Don't worry. If Breach were here, I'd feel it. She's here." <hr width80%> : '''Breach:''' "Hey, girlfriend." : '''Circe:''' "Get out of here, Breach!" : '''Breach:''' "But Van Kleiss has so been wanting to chat." : '''Circe:''' "Then deliver a message for him! " : (''Uses her ultrasonic bursts on Breach, who creates a portal behind her, knocking her out with her own sonic abilities)'' : '''Rex:''' "Let her go, Breach!!" : '''Breach:''' "Oh, sorry, Rex. She's gonna save my skin. V.K.'s tough on failure, remember?" : (''Teleports away with an unconscious Circe on her shoulder'') : '''Rex:''' "NO!!" <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Hold that thought. You can come out now. I got that creeped out feeling." :'''Breach:''' "Peek a boo." : '''Skwydd:''' "It's her!'' She took Circe." : '''Rex:''' But not to Van Kleiss. You never went to Abysus, did you? You slipped her into your little pocket dimension. Let her go, Breach! : '''Breach:''' And I agree to that...why? : '''Rex:''' "Because you wouldn't want Van Kleiss to see this. I'm thinking a trade is in order." : (''Breach releases Circe, who is caught by Skwydd'') : '''Circe:''' "I hate you, Breach." ===A Family Holiday=== :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The pace of study has been staggeringly slow. There have been no significant advancements in nanite research since the original event. Simply put, Providence is not doing enough. What is required is not a military response, but a serious, thoughtful reaction, a scientific answer. The poor and afflicted deserve more. The world, deserves more. Let me introduce Diane. Mother of three. Diane has been diagnosed as incurable, a lost cause. Since then, she's been treated like an animal, locked away from her family... No hope on the horizon. Until now. At Moses Labs, we don't rely on tanks, guns, or secret weapons-- Only an unwavering belief that whatever science breaks, science can fix. Welcome back, Diane. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Happy birthday, little sister. :'''Rex:''' Hope that I paid the bills. This is going to be expensive. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Release the hounds. :''[a door opens revealing some Evo hounds]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Heh! I thought that was just a figure of speech. You're a sick puppy. :'''Rex:''' Aah! Not cool, bro! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[Spanish accent]'' Agua, por favor. :'''Caesar:''' Water second, probes first. :'''Rex:''' No offense, but being a guinea pig is a lot less fun when it's you instead of Holiday. :'''Caesar:''' Don't I run the biometric tests with the same efficiency? :'''Rex:''' How are we related? Have you looked at Holiday? :'''Bobo Haha:''' She ain't my species and even I know she's a hottie. :'''Caesar:''' She is... very smart. :'''Rex:''' Where is the Doc anyway? She usually can't wait to get her hands on me. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Saw her this morning, looking pretty grim. :'''Agent Six:''' It's her sister. Her sister's birthday to be precise. Holiday gets introspective this time of year. :'''Caesar:''' Her sister? Oh, is she smart too? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hey guys. Can't talk. Hangar! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Ah, human dames. I don't know how you guys keep up. :''[Dr. Holiday pants]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Thank you for coming, Dr. Moses. It's a genuine honor. :'''Rex:''' Who the heck is that guy? Why is Holiday acting all fangirl around him? :'''Caesar:''' It's Dr. Brandon Moses, the leading researcher in technogenic transmorphing! If anyone's going to develop a kill for EVOs, it's going to be him! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Now, that's actin' fan-girl. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Not the worst I've seen. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you help her? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Beverly would be an excellent candidate for my treatments. Have her transported to my facility. :'''Rex:''' Hold up! I know you have a bunch of letters after your name, but curing EVOs is what I do. Some of them-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Some you just can't handle, Rex. Dr. Moses' research goes to places you don't, so if you don't mind-- 10 minutes, then we'll be in the air. Thank you, doctor. I've earned 5 years' worth of personal time, Knight. I plan to use it all. :'''White Knight:''' I don't like it, but I like your sister even less. Go for your "cure", Holiday. But if it doesn't work, don't bring her back. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Agent Six:''' What do you really know about Dr. Moses? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what I saw. :'''Agent Six:''' You're not taking her to the doctor for a checkup. Has he handed you supporting data? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why won't you let me have this? It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Rex got here. :'''Agent Six''': I think you've lost your objectivity. If you can't help her-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's the point! I can't! I need this cure. If you won't help me, stay out of my way! :'''Rex:''' Any chance she's right? :'''Agent Six:''' Hope she is. :'''Rex:''' But we're not going to sit around and do nothing in case she's wrong, right? Today you're my sidekick-- Not a fashion-challenged soccer mom blocking my mojo. If there's any chance of playing hero for Holiday, I call dibs. :'''Security guard:''' Dr. Moses' inventions are not for public viewing-- Especially not by Providence. :''[Security guard grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' That "soccer mom" comment really got to you, huh? When did science geeks start packing heat? Huh? :'''Agent Six:''' Check the machine. :'''Rex:''' I'm no engineer, but as far as I can tell, all this thing does is light up and go "ping". They never cured it! This was a scam! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday's in trouble. Holiday, Moses is a fraud. There is no cure! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What's going on here? Moses, what is this? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Business, Dr. Holiday-- Big business. Now, if you wouldn't mind stepping aside so I can collect your sister-- :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday?! What's happening?! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Or don't step aside. I'm good either way. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! We've got our coordinates. Go! :'''Rex:''' It's a hundred miles away! :'''Agent Six:''' Correct. :'''Rex:''' Hold on to your swords, old man! :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]:'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I trusted you! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' A bad trait, a scientist. But look on the bright side-- You won't be locked in a cell anymore. That was just... Shameful. :'''Rex:''' Be the hero. Be the hero. Be the-- :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ...Zero. You'll be a lot less grouchy in a few seconds, pal. Half cured? That's new. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They've got Beverly. :'''Rex:''' You wanna talk to her? :'''Agent Six:''' Now's not the time. :'''Rex:''' And when exactly is. She needs a friend, Six. :'''Agent Six:''' I... prefer to keep it professional. Keeps people from getting hurt. :'''Rex:''' Dude. Take off the sunglasses. She's already hurting. If I were you-- :''[Six gets a radio signal]'' :'''Agent Six:''' If you were me, you'd have a lead. Get Holiday. Dust off in 3. :'''Rex:''' Where are we going? :'''Agent Six:''' Moses may be a genius but not because he can cure EVOs. He overpowers them-- Hypercharges the nanites with excess energy to push their transformations. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's why Rex only partially cured that EVO he stripped the EVO of its extra power. But at its core, it was still incurable. :'''Rex:''' We learned something new today. Great. :'''Agent Six:''' Gets worse. Moses has turned his tech into a cottage industry. He takes incurables and weaponizes them to sell to the highest bidder. :'''Rex:''' Don't sugarcoat it, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you find this out? :'''Agent Six:''' I called some former associates-- People who know things, things that good people shouldn't know about. :'''White Knight:''' Question-- Why is my keep on an unapproved mission? :'''Rex:''' It's cool, Knight. We're helping Holiday. :'''White Knight:''' No! We had a deal! Return to base immediately! :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's over guys. I can't drag you down because of my mistake. I won't. :'''Agent Six:''' Keep returning to base. :''[Knight ends the transmission]'' :'''Agent Six:''' I said the keep is returning to base. I didn't say we'd be on the keep. :'''Rex:''' You okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hanging in there. :'''Rex:''' Hanging in there is good. I don't like to see you unhappy, you know. I-I mean-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what you mean. Thanks. :'''Agent Six:''' Better luck next time. :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Jealous much, sidekick? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Who is that? :'''Rex:''' Someone who knows things good people shouldn't. :'''Five:''' Machine boy! Like the new ax? You owe me for the last one. :'''Agent Six:''' We'll talk music later, Five. You have word on Moses? :'''Five:''' Five don't lie. Your guy is running an auction-- Tonight. :'''Agent Six:''' I owe you. :'''Five:''' She's a lot more beautiful than you let on, Six. Try not to screw it up this time. :'''Agent Six:''' You coming? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The EVO is the military ordinance of the future. We all know it. You drop one of these babies into your neighbor's backyard, and it's game over. But to get the most annihilation out of your nanites... you need me. :'''Human EVO:''' You promised to cure! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' My technology not only amps up their abilities, but, for an extra charge, will modify their behavior to suit your needs. What am I bid for this army of one? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Bursting in]'' I'll open with extradition for crimes against humanity! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to his bidders]'' Wait! This is just a minor disturbance. :''[Moses groans]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to Holiday]'' Do you know what you just cost me, all for one hopless wreck?! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday hits Moses]'' Her name is Beverly. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Then give sissy a hug. :'''Dr Holiday:''' No! Don't hurt her, Rex! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, sure. Handle with care. Whoa! Can you tell her that, too? :'''Agent Six:''' Going nowhere? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Uh, let's not be ''[chuckling]'' rash. :''[Holiday slaps Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I'm gonna have to get you a dictionary. Rash will not help anyone, especially not Beverly. :''[Holiday grabs Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Who can still be cured. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday drops Moses]'' What? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Brandishing his swords]'' No games. Truth or dead. :'''Rex:''' Fight still going! Need assistance! Big time! Whoa! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I did invent a machine that de-powered nanites, almost. But the bonds and nanite particles were too strong to break. Instead, I discovered that I could reverse the polarity to its maximum, overpowering the nanites. It's easier and-- Profitable. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' But you did isolate the bonds? So, you can break them! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Ugh! Unh! Okay, I called hero, but I need some extra kick for my sidekick! Unh! Seriously! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Time to earn a return on my investments! Kill them all! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! :'''White Knight:''' I won't even bother telling you the trouble you're in. Catch those other EVOs and report to my office the moment you're back. :'''Rex:''' What other EVO-O-O-O-Os? :''[Rex turns around and notices the EVOs behind him]'' :'''Rex:''' Ooos? :'''Rex:''' Think they got it? :'''Agent Six:''' They'd better. We're busy. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Okay. That's the flux transponder. That's the nanite energizer. Don't you explode on me-- Not now. Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'll hand the one crazed sister. You take the other. It'll be like a double date. Don't bother... your sister... while she's working! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I can see what he did, but... uh... there's no time! I can't-- I can't help her! It's over. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday-- Rebecca-- You are the strongest, smartest woman I have ever met, and the most stubborn. :''[Six removes his glasses and looks her in the eyes]'' :'''Agent Six:''' You never give up. If there's a way to help your sister, find it-- now! :''[Slight pause. Holiday smiles and puts Six's glasses back on his face then leaves]'' :'''Agent Six:''' That's my girl. New plan. Corral her to the machine. :'''Rex:''' Plans are good! Yah! What you got, Doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Moses was right. The polarity of the nanite energizer is wrong! I have to amplify and reverse it. But I don't have-- Six... Your magna blades-- But it would be too dangerous. Six! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six! :'''Agent Six:''' Is it working? :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's working. :'''Rex:''' Six, get out of there! :'''Agent Six:''' You called hero on this one, Rex! Finish it-- For her! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Get them out, Rex-- Both of them-- Now! :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Doc! You gotta see this! :''[Dr. Holiday panting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[as she's trying to revive Six]'' Don't you do this to me! I will hate you forever if you-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :''[Six coughs]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rebecca? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Beverly! :'''Rex:''' That was... I'm... Wow! Six, I've never said it before and I'll probably never say it again, but... I'm honored to be your partner. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Mushy stuff? Oh! Glad I missed it. :'''Rex:''' But don't ever do anything like that again. :'''Agent Six:''' Agreed. But you have to admit though... It was worth it. :''[Dr. Holiday and Beverly laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' We're not running a boarding house here. No more relatives. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need her for a few more tests, sir. She was only 13 when she went Evo, and she's in a fragile state. :'''Beverly:''' Woo Hoo! :''[Beverly laughing]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rex just took me on a ride through the Zoo on his cycle. :'''White Knight:''' "Fragile." Right. :'''Rex:''' We're going to the mall. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you asking permission? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm asking if we can have some money. Providence pays me nada. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can I have a word with you? :'''Agent Six:''' Sure this is a good idea? Could ruin your hero status with Holiday. :'''Rex:''' It's funny. After meeting Bev, out of nowhere, it hit me that Doc Holiday is just a little too old for me. So, since I'm out of the way, I guess there's nothing stopping you anymore, huh, "hero"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Well... right. I guess... I'll set up those tests. :''[Holiday starts to walk past Six. Six takes a hold of her hand]'' :'''Agent Six:''' Or... we could get some dinner. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Outside? In the real world? Like real people? Like a-- :'''Agent Six:''' Yes. Like a date. :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's about time. ===Hong Kong Nights=== ===Whispers in the Dark=== ===Cutting It Close=== ===Exposed=== :'''White Knight''': All Providence personnel, this is a priority-one alert. :'''Agent Six''': Do not panic. Remember your training. :'''White Knight''': In all my years of working at Providence, never have I been put in such a situation. These interlopes could be anywhere at any given moment. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, what's all the-- Whoa! Sorry. We're late. :'''Bobo Haha''': You can't prove a thing! :'''White Knight''': Watch what you say. Watch what you do. The very future of Providence may depend upon it. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, what's going on? Van Kleiss attack in the HQ again? :'''Agent Six''': Worse. :'''Diane Farrah:''' I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. And to find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Rex Salazar''': Aah. :'''Diane Farrah''': All your questions are about to be answered. Welcome to Providence Exposed! ''[Camera closes-up on her face]'' On Ultimate Exposure! And cut. Great into, guys. Okay, moving on. :'''Rex Salazar''': This is cool. :'''Agent Six''': This is wrong. :'''Rex Salazar''': How's my hair? :'''Bobo Haha''': Delicious. :'''White Knight''': Ladies and gentlemen, the delightful Miss Farrah and her crew have used the Freedom of Information Act to force. :''[White Knight clears his throat]'' :'''White Knight''': To allow them access to a day in the life of Providence. And to ensure you are afforded the very best Providence has to offer, I'm assigning our top man as your personal guide. :''[Rex moves towards the news team]'' :'''White Knight''': Six, please show Miss Farrah whatever she wants to see. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. On behalf of Providence, I'd like to welcome you to our facility. :'''Diane Farrah''': Spare me the small talk. I'm here to ask the tough questions, and I expect truthful answers. :'''Agent Six''': Shoot. :'''Diane Farrah''': So.. is there a Mrs. Six? :''[Combs her hair]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Smooth. :'''Rex Salazar''': Like you'd have done better. :'''Bobo Haha''': Are you kidding? They want exposed. I'm going to give that reporter a piece of my mind and a few other pieces while I'm at it. I got stories that'll make them run screaming for the hills. :''[Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''Agent Six''': If you'll follow me, I'll be happy to show you one of our nanite research labs up close and personal. EVO control is our primary area of concentration, but Providence is focused on a great many studies. Each employing the best and the brightest our planet has to offer. :'''Rex Salazar''': Thanks, Six. You know, this is my brother's lab. He's only like the smartest guy in the entire world. Yeah, being the best at what we do totally runs in our family. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time. :'''Agent Six''': That experiment is highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, how did you become a Providence agent? :'''Agent Six''': That's also highly sensitive. :'''Rex Salazar''': Amazing story though about how I became a Providence agent. See, there was this big accident. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Good morning. My name is Dr. Rebecca Holiday, And I'm the chief research officer for the Providence Laboratory Facilities - specializing in the study of evology. Providence's number one priority is the security of our planet. And through the studying and understanding the forces that threaten us-- :'''Diane Farrah''': Let's cut to the chase, shall we, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, um, okay. :'''Diane Farrah''': How do you balance the threat of EVOs, the constant danger... with being a woman? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Uh. :''[Dr. Holiday laughs nervously]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, excuse me. :'''Rex Salazar''': Speaking of studying, check this out. You can edit that, right? :'''Diane Farrah''': We're all about the editing. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, maybe you could show these journalists some of your other duties, like what you're supposed to be doing right now, for instance. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, man. That's right. Come on. You're going to love this. :'''Diane Farrah''': EVOs come from far and wide for a chance to be cured by this young man. How often do you do this? :'''Rex Salazar''': At least once a week here at HQ. When I'm in other parts of the county or the world, Providence sets up a mobile cure station. There are a lot of people out there who need my help. I only wish I could get to them all. Wait. Um, let my try again. ''[after Rex can't cure an EVO]'' Shut it off. :'''Diane Farrah''': But this is really good drama, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I asked to be on TV. They didn't. Please give these people their privacy. :'''Bobo Haha''': Come on, buddy. Everybody has an off day. :'''Rex Salazar''': In front of millions of viewers? So much for everyone's favorite Providence man of mystery. :'''Bobo Haha''': Well, they're just lucky they haven't had the camera on me yet. Oh man, talk about Ultimate Exposure. When I get through with them-- :'''Rex Salazar''': I just wish I could look cool on camera somehow. :'''Bobo Haha''': Phbt! Good luck. The only way that's going to happen now is if some experimental EVOs busted out of their cages and went on a rampage so you could round them up and look like a hero. :'''Diane Farrah''': Providence isn't known for being forthcoming with information. I hope this interview will change that. The people want answers and I fully expect them from you. :'''White Knight''': Very well. What do you want to know? :'''Diane Farrah''': For starters, how do you get fresh milk without any nanites in it? :'''White Knight''': If you must know, it's passed through a powerful magnet that removes and neutralizes any nanite activity. :'''Agent Six''': Observe. :''[White Knight smacks lips]'' :'''White Knight''': Anything else? :'''Diane Farrah''': Not at the moment, but I'll be back. :'''White Knight''': I look forward to it. :''[White Knight sips]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, what do you think about White Knight's obsession with staying nanite-free at the expense of human contact? :'''Agent Six''': He's a man of many mysteries. :'''Rex Salazar''': Look out! Coming through! Dangerous escaped EVOs on the loose! Stand back! Let a professional handle this! :'''Diane Farrah''': Follow him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yeah, I'm kind of awesome. :'''Bobo Haha''': Did you get them all? :'''Rex Salazar''': How many did you release? :'''Bobo Haha''': I don't know, three or four. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, which was it? Three or four? :''[Rex Salazar gasps]'' :'''Agent Six''': Well then. Now that Rex's little demonstration is over, how about a visit to the Providence gift shop? On me. :'''Diane Farrah''': How long has Providence had a gift shop? :'''Agent Six''': Since 8:00 A.M. You want to tell me how a class by EVO got out of its electromagnetically-sealed container and just happened to cross paths with our tour? :'''Rex Salazar''': It's not like this kind of thing doesn't happen here all the time. I just wanted it to happen this time, in front of the camera, all right? :'''Agent Six''': Not all right. That last EVO-- You just helped it molt so it could grow. Its body is still out there somewhere, getting bigger. :'''White Knight''': Providence is run like a finely tuned machine. Until you decide to throw a monkey wrench into the works. :'''Bobo Haha''': Hey, pal, let's leave the comedy to me. :'''White Knight''': And how is it exactly that these EVOs got out? :'''Bobo Haha''': Okay, Mea Culpa. I may have accidentally knocked open a cage or two-- Or four. :'''Dr. Holiday''': That fourth cage was electromagnetically sealed. :'''Bobo Haha''': I didn't say it was easy. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The EVO we had contained in there feeds on electricity. It must be kept away from any electrical current. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then it sure is a good thing this whole place isn't full of electricity. Oh, wait. :'''White Knight''': Find it. Subdue it. And most importantly, don't let that camera crew see it. :'''Bobo Haha''': Eh, were wastin' time hunting this thing down when I could be on camera right now, giving those people a piece of my mind. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, I only saw the EVOs empty husk before. What's the real thing look like anyway? Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': That. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Any suggestions? :'''Bobo Haha''': Can you make a soccer net? :''[Rex Salazar and Bobo Haha grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Aha! Got you cornered now. There's no way out. You're overpowered. :'''Bobo Haha''': You were saying? :'''Agent Six''': You wanted to interview me. Now's your chance. Go. :'''Diane Farrah''': Um... okay. Tell me, Six-- May I call you Six?-- What is the real truth behind the nanite event that created the EVOs? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': What is your role, if any, in that event? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified, too. :'''Diane Farrah''': Are you always this talkative? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait. Let me do that again. You didn't get my good side. Which is my good side? :'''Bobo Haha''': Your backside. :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, you promised you were taking us to the heart of the operation. :'''Agent Six''': Right. The heart of the operation. This way. :'''Dr. Holiday''': [Watching from a monitor] It went right. :''[Rex goes to his right. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Camera right! :''[Rex goes to the camera's right]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': How can you miss it now? It's six feet in diameter and weighs five hundred pounds! :'''Rex Salazar''': Less criticizing, more helping! :'''Dr. Holiday''': Try to steer it in the direction of Hallway twelve. We can isolate it in the atrium. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, we've got it contained there now. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No, sorry. I was reading that backwards. Hallway twenty one. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, Hallway twenty one leads to the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, so, no big deal. That's a cold-fission reactor, not electric, right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, all electricity is converted from something-- Wind, solar, hydro-- At the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ohh. :''[Providence Agent screams]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh-hoh. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, listen carefully and do exactly as I say because we're only going to get one shot at this. :'''Diane Farrah''': One shot at what, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': The... future. Providence is the future. The future used to be the space program. Now the future is Providence and the science of EVOs. :'''Rex Salazar''': Doc? Are you still there? We have a situation. :'''Agent Six''': Just a minor downgrade of power during a routine relay check. Nothing to worry about. :'''Rex Salazar''': Guys, I could really use some advice right about now! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''White Knight''': Attention all Providence Personnel, we have a Level-One Priority... :''[Realizes the reporters are present]'' :'''White Knight''': Drill. Repeat-- This is our daily drill in the Central Core-- Now. :'''Agent Six''': Lunch bell. It's taco day. Anyone hungry? :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, while we appreciate the commemorative spoons and the tacos, I can't help but think that you've been hiding something from our viewers. :'''Agent Six''': Not at all, ma'am. Providence is an open book. :''[Rex Salazar screams]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Cut! You're ruining the shot, Rex. Just be patient. I will get to you-- I promise. :''[Rex Salazar groans]'' :'''Agent Six''': Get down. :''[Diane Farrah gasps]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': That was... what you did. :'''Agent Six''': Just doing my job, ma'am. :'''Rex Salazar''': And I'm just doing mine! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': You're not going anywhere now, buddy, except back to your-- Cage? :'''White Knight''': We hope that you and the Ultimate Exposure team are enjoying our EVO containment demonstration, Miss Farrah. All part of readiness training here at Providence. :'''Diane Farrah''': Can I quote you on that? :'''White Knight''': Miss Farah, I'm not gonna stop you from filming, but for your own safety and the safety of your crew, please step back and let my people do what they do best. Alpha Team, I need a containment of the cafeteria, cube formation. Fire! Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm on it. :'''Agent Six''': Stay here. This is the real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': Not on your life. Find an elevator. We're missing it. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Still not a good ti-i-i-i-i-me! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, big boy. No more crawl spaces. No more Hallways. Just you and me in a big, old hangar bay mano y mano. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': ''[after Rex has been repeatedly beaten back by the Evo]'' Looks like you showed him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Are you going to talk, or are you going to help? :'''Bobo Haha''': Talk. Kidding! I'm helping! I'm helping! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar sighs]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Please tell me you're getting all of this. :'''Rex Salazar''': Providence's man of mystery strikes again. Ow! It-- it bit me! :'''Diane Farrah''': Quick, grab some B-roll footage before they get rid of all the evidence. :'''Rex Salazar''': You did see that I did all the heavy lifting and Six just took out the trash, right? :'''Diane Farah''': Don't worry. The camera never lies. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yes! :'''Bobo Haha''': Good! Then get a load of this! :'''Diane Farah''': Do you have something to say? :''[Camera zooms in on Bobo]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Oh... oh. :''[Bobo mutters then passes out]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': I think we have everything we need. :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't know how you guys came off looking, but yours truly rocked hard. Just call me Providence's Man of Mystery from now on. Oh, yeah! Stardom starts in five, four, three, two-- :'''Diane Farrah''': I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. :'''Rex Salazar''': We are so dead. :'''Bobo Haha''': Nice knowing you, kid. :'''Diane Farrah''': To find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. :'''Rex Salazar''': They did it. :'''Bobo Haha''': They did. :'''Dr. Holiday''': This is a news show? What is the world coming to? :'''Diane Farrah''': Look out, ladies. Agent Six is the full package -- brains, brawn, and-- :'''Agent Six''': Highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': Just what is he hiding behind those alluring, dark glasses of his? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the Providence agent you women wanted to get to know. :'''Agent Six''': Up close and personal. :'''Diane Farrah''': That's right, girls. :'''Agent Six''': He's The real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': And he's known throughout Providence as-- :'''Agent Six''': The heart of the operation. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the organization's best-kept secret, the ultimate agent, and-- :'''Agent Six''': The man of many mysteries. :'''Diane Farrah''': And, yes, ladies, he is single -- or is he? :''[Dr. Holiday laughs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Excuse me. :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex and Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''White Knight''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[after the story airs]'' So, man of mystery, what's it like being a big star adored by women everywhere? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. ===Touch and Go=== ===The Siren's Lament=== * Flashbacks as to how Circe came to work for Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> ===Grounded=== ===Six Minus Six=== ===In Dreams=== ===Lions and Lambs=== <hr width80%> :''[Providence agents are standing in an industrial area, fingers on triggers. Rex flies in on jet pack and lands beside all the agents.]'' :'''Rex:''' Any sign? ''[Rex notices agents shaking in fear.]'' Alright then, who’s up for a burger, anyone? Tough crowd. :''[Six walks up.]'' :'''Six:''' These agents seem nervous. Haven’t they dealt with this situation before? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, that's kind of the problem. :''[Rex twitches, as if he is feeling Breach's presence.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Here she comes. :''[Breach appears in front of them. They fire at her. She sends their missiles and agents away with red portals.]'' :'''Six:''' How do we stop her? :'''Rex:''' ''[Smack Hands.]'' Hit hard and keep clear of anything that glows. :''[Breach has a collar around her neck like the one Van Kleiss wears, and a device on her chest like his only much larger and shackles are around her giant hands which look like Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical wrist. She opens a red portal. A giant jellyfish-like thing flies out at Six, then a large creature with a horn on its nose runs out. Rex jumps at Breach, she portals out, returns and the device on her chest starts sparking.]'' :'''Rex:''' What's with the new toy, Breach? :'''Breach:''' ''[Glares]'' Wouldn’t you like to know? :''[T-Rex appears through a gold colored portal, sniffs Rex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Seriously, where do you find these things? Let's see what you started out as, big guy. ''[Tries to cure.] Six? This... this isn't an EVO!'' It's an actual T-Rex! ...Six? :''[Rex runs from T-Rex.]'' :'''Breach:''' Have fun. ''[Leaves through red portal.]'' :''[Rex hides behind light pole, T-Rex pulls pole from ground, Rex falls to the ground.]'' :'''Six:''' I take it this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time? :'''Rex:''' Try never? This is all kinds of wrong. :''[Rex makes BFS, runs at T-Rex; Six runs at T-Rex, jumps on and stabs it in back.]'' :'''Holiday:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Six:''' You mean about to be extinct? :'''Holiday:''' If you destroy the scientific find of a lifetime, it won’t be the only thing. :'''Rex:''' It's trying to eat us. :'''Six:''' You heard the lady. Take it down soft. :'''Rex:''' Easy for you to say. :''[Rex lies on the ground holding the jaws open with Smack Hands and it slobbers on him.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Video of T-Rex in confinement field. The T-Rex turns to dust.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Breach is powerful enough as it is, and now you're telling me she can travel through time? :'''Holiday:''' However she's doing it, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. That dinosaur reverted to its actual age about less than two hours after arrival. :'''Caesar:''' Photo and deep scan analysis reveals some very interesting technology at work here. Van Kleiss has really stepped up his game. :'''White Knight:''' Skip the fan talk. How do we stop it? :'''Caesar:''' Until I get my hands on the device, I'm not certain we can. :'''White Knight:''' We have to bring her to our side. :'''Rex:''' The only way she's coming here is if she does it willingly. :'''White Knight:''' How do you propose we persuade her? :'''Rex:''' With me. ''[Six and Holiday stare at him skeptically.]'' I can be very convincing. Okay, okay. I think she might still have a thing for me. :'''Bobo:''' Atta boy, work it on the crazy chick. :'''White Knight:''' I don't care how we do it as long as we get results. Providence is under the microscope. It is the worst time for Van Kleiss to gain the upper hand. Get to it. Bring her in. :''[Six and Holiday walking out of the room together down the hall.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[To Holiday.]'' I need a word. Something's wrong with White. :'''Holiday:''' Oh. That. He’s always like this, Six. :'''Six:''' No. This is different. I know when something is bothering him. The secret meetings, the anxiety. He’s up to something. :'''Holiday:''' I'll see what I can find out. :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Rex on hoverboard, in Providence stealth suit.]'' :'''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Works pretty good. After all, I built it. ''[Loses control of board for a moment.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Van Kleiss's castle, Rex hiding by entrance.]'' :'''Rex:''' Going in. ''[Pulls up stealth mask, disappears partly, runs past guard.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Breach is hooked up to a large machine. Van Kleiss stands before her with a huge bank of controls and displays, spooky dark lighting. She screams.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is unacceptable, Breach. I need you to concentrate. :'''Breach:''' It hurts. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Think of what I'm trying to achieve here. I cannot fail. :''[Breach screams in agony and collapses.]'' :''[Rex looks down horrified, Van Kleiss grins, Breach screams and falls down.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll return when it recharges and we'll start again. :''[Rex holds his hand out to her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why do you let him do this to you? :'''Breach:''' Glory. :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss's glory. Is he even noticing how you're tearing yourself apart for him? Have you ever heard him say thank you? What do you say we blow this joint, you and me? He's hurting you. :'''Breach:''' It's not real. It can't hurt you if it isn't real. :'''Rex:''' Breach, look at me. It is. I'm real, all of this is real. You don't have to live this way. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why am I not surprised. Rex has come to rescue another of my lost sheep. Perhaps he'll try to save you next, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' That depends. Is he housebroken yet? :'''Biowulf:''' I am no traitor. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You’ve no doubt seen our little experiment. Breach shows great promise. She just needs a little fine tuning. :'''Rex:''' Then what? Go back in time and be king of the cavemen? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why not? It wouldn’t be much of a step down, now would it? Breach, if you would, remove our guest so we can continue. Practice makes perfect, or in your case, acceptable. :''[Breach makes a red portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach! Think about what you're doing. :''[Van Kleiss grins, she runs and puts her arms around Rex, portals out with Rex.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find her. Now. :''[Mountains, snow, Rex shivering.]'' :'''Rex:''' I'm glad you got us out of there, but where... are we? :'''Breach:''' When the snow is gone you can see forever. :'''Rex:''' That's nice. Can we go now? :'''Breach:''' I need to know if I can trust you. :'''Rex:''' You can trust me. I swear. :''[Breach grabs his hand and hugs him. He opens his eyes. They are standing on a shiny endless reflective surface, reflecting stars.]'' :'''Rex:''' This is different. :'''Breach:''' Do you see it? :'''Rex:''' Um-- :'''Breach:''' This is where the stillness comes from. :'''Rex:''' You. Are weird. So what exactly does this mean? Are you coming with me or is this some kind of test? :'''Breach:''' I need you to see it. :'''Rex:''' Ah... A test. :'''Breach:''' Do you wanna understand? :'''Rex:''' Not exactly sure. ''[She glares, he waves his hands in front of him.]'' Yes, I mean yes. I mean-- :'''Breach:''' Follow me. ''[Walks through red portal.]'' :''[Another place. A door, a doll, a bear and a fire hydrant float in space.]'' :''[Rex hanging upside down, she is holding him by his ankle above a swirling pink vortex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! What happened? I thought we were getting along fine! :'''Breach:''' Why are you here? :'''Rex:''' Good question. Where exactly is here? Can we go somewhere else now, somewhere like, on Earth? :''[She drops him. He screams and lands on the floor between some stacks of books.]'' :'''Rex:''' You sure know how to pick'em. What kind of tripped out dimension is this? ''[Librarian walks by and shushes him.]'' Oh. College. :'''White Knight:''' ''[On communicator in Rex's right ear.]'' Rex, report. Where on earth have you been? :'''Rex:''' Apparently every place but. :'''White Knight:''' I need to know you can handle this otherwise we're going to try a different approach. :'''Rex:''' You need to chill out, White. I’m making progress. ''[Rex puts his hand to his left ear.]'' Dr. Holiday, are you there? :'''Holiday:''' Tracking shows you’re with Breach. Are you okay? :'''Rex:''' Fine? Creeped out but fine. I can't bring Breach back to Providence, White would just lock her up and that won't help. :'''Holiday:''' Where will you take her? :'''Rex:''' I'll think of something. Just keep White Knight off my case. :''[Breach appears behind him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why don't you let me pick out where we go next? :''[Scene change.]'' :''[White Knight hands folded moving nervously.]'' :'''White Knight:''' He says he's making progress. :'''Black Knight:''' The committee is losing confidence. They want results, not excuses. :'''White Knight:''' Then that's exactly what they’ll get. :''[Scene change. Rex sits across from Breach in a booth at a bowling alley.]'' :'''Rex:''' Soooo, don't like bowling, huh? I figured with the extra arms you'd be a natural. :'''Breach:''' I'm not supposed to like you, but I do. :'''Rex:''' ''[smiles]'' We're teenagers. At least assuming you are. Doing what we are not supposed to is part of the job. French fry? :''[She takes it and then drops it.]'' :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? From before you... changed? :'''Breach:''' I remember everything. And nothing. :'''Rex:''' Naturally. Why did I even bother to ask. Listen, Breach. I'm not going to pretend I understand you, ''[Puts his hand on her giant hand]'' but I can help. If you let me. :''[The machine starts to glow, they jump to their feet, other people look startled.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. :'''Breach:''' I can't, I can't stop it. :'''Rex:''' Let me try. ''[He tries and it knocks him onto the floor sparking.]'' :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss has control. They're coming. :''[Van Kleiss busts through the door with The Pack following. Raises bio-mechanical hand, palm of it glows, device on Breach's chest turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Okay, do your thing. Get us out of here. Anywhere. :''[she tries]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You can't take what doesn't belong to you. :'''Rex:''' I didn't take you for the jealous type. ''[Rex shoots bowling balls at Van Kleiss with his cannon, hits Biowulf and Skalamander in the face and Van Kleiss punches the balls aside with his bio-mechanical hand.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach, let's go! :''[Breach rides off with Rex on hoverboard, Van Kleiss and Pack follow on three flying fish EVO's with harnesses and big teeth. They dodge and crash Van Kleiss into a window, and land in a park.]'' :''[Breach and Rex stand together on a footbridge looking down into the water.]'' :'''Breach:''' ''[Walks to bridge and looks at her reflection, Rex follows.]'' Will they hurt me? :'''Rex:''' Providence? Not if I can help it. :'''Breach:''' They did before. Ms. Smarty Pants—she likes to hurt me. :'''Rex:''' I'll give you my word, if you come back to Providence, I promise no one will hurt you. :'''Breach:''' We can be together forever and ever. ''[She walks off bridge, ducks swimming in water.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... something like that. What am I getting myself into? We gotta move. I bet my brother has already figured out how to turn that thing of yours off. :''[The ducks fly off, they look and see a reflection in the pond of White Knight's ship.]'' :''[White Knight walks up followed by Providence fighter planes.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh guys, what are you doing?! :'''White Knight:''' If you can't have something done right, do it yourself. :''[They shoot at Breach, she screams, Rex is horrified.]'' :'''Rex:''' No! No! No! ''[walks up bridge to White Knight]'' Do have any idea what you just did? :''[Breach's chest device turns on, she screams, Providence shoots at her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Is this what you wanted? Congratulations! ''[runs to Breach]'' Breach! Wait! :'''Breach:''' Liar! ''[Throws red portal at Rex, he dodges, second one hits him, he disappears. Providence keeps shooting, she throw portals, drops three soldiers in water.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Agent Six! :''[He jumps at her, she portals him away to behind Knight. Rex jumps from the water onto the bridge by Knight.]'' :'''Rex:''' You had no intention to bring her in, did you? :'''White Knight:''' I wanted to believe you, Rex, but this is too important. She can't be controlled. :'''Rex:''' Control... Her powers are back on. Van Kleiss. :''[Van Kleiss arrives on flying fish EVO.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Settle down, Breach. :''[Chest device turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Let me do this. I can get through to her. Come on. It couldn't get any worse than you've already made it :''[Knight and Six look at each other.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Form a perimeter around Breach. Van Kleiss isn't to touch her. :''[A rock wall rises from the ground blocking Rex as he runs towards Breach. The Pack jumps down from wall to attack Rex, Six intervenes. Agents surround Breach, she tries and fails to make red portal. Screams. Van Kleiss flies in on fish, knocks down agents with bio-mechanical whip arm, shoots needles from fingers and knocks more down, fish knocks the rest down. White Knight shoots at Van Kleiss.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' If you had any idea what I was trying to do you might even welcome it. :'''White Knight:''' Enlighten me. :''[Van Kleiss touches a tree and it turns into an EVO. EVO tree catches and holds White. Six and Biowulf fight, Rex and Skalamander fight.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Enlighten you? :''[Sticks his claws in White Knight, glowing White Knight screams.]'' All in good time, White Knight, assuming you have some left. :''[Six throws a magnablade through Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical arm and he lets go of White.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[to White Knight]'' Go. I mean it. ''[White Knight flies off.]'' :'''Six:''' The name's Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' We've met. :'''Six:''' Don't remember. ''[They fight.]'' :''[Breach on merry-go-round, turning slowly looking at the sky. :'''Rex:''' You're just using her. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Of course I am. She knows it. Spare me the chivalry, Rex. Providence would do the same. :'''Rex:''' Either way you slice it, she loses! :'''Breach:''' ''[to herself]'' My two favorites. You both lie. Neither is real. :'''Rex:''' ''[goes to her]'' Breach, I'm sorry. I meant what I said. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Words mean nothing. :'''Rex:''' Then let this do the talking. ''[Turns on her machine, puts it into her power.]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You just handed her a loaded gun. :'''Rex:''' And now it's her choice how to use it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh if only I had the chance to get through to you, Rex, to teach you how the world really works. :''[Breach steps in front of Van Kleiss, raises her arms as if to send Rex away. Makes huge yellow portal above them.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our very first time traveler. You should be honored. Now Breach, if you wouldn't mind. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :''[Rex closes his eyes. Breach sends Van Kleiss away with yellow portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' That was... unexpected. :''[Rex tries to turn machine off but fails.]'' :'''Rex:''' It won't turn off. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know. :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss made it like this so I wouldn't send him away. :'''Rex:''' That didn't work out so well did it? Six, get everyone out of here now! ''[A big yellow dome forms around the playground where Rex and Breach stand.]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what's going to happen? :''[Rex and Breach are about to be engulfed by Breach's out of control time portal]'' :'''Breach''': ''[she looks up]'' I don't know if any of this was real. But it was nice having a friend for a while. ''[Rex smiles, Breach hugs him as they dispensary in the golden time portal]'' :'''Rex:''' I didn't get blown up. ''[Sees a lizard.]'' Whoa! ''[Jumps away, startled.]'' Oh no, please don't let this be dino time. ''[Touches earpiece in left ear.]'' Rex to Providence, do you copy? :''[Takes earpiece out and looks at it.]'' Oh... Rex to Providence, you better be there. :'''Providence Agent:''' Uh... we copy, Rex. We have a lock on your coordinates and are sending a jump jet. :'''Rex:''' Is Six okay? Breach went supernova. :'''Providence Agent:''' Someone's on the way, just hold tight. Providence out. :''[Scene change, Rex lying on the ground.]'' :'''Rex:''' Took you long enough. :''[Turns over and sees Providence agents, pointing guns at him.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex is onboard. Heading back to HQ. :'''Rex:''' HQ? Ten minutes ago I was in the middle of an epic battle. You need to take me back! :'''Providence Agent:''' Um, that battle is over. :'''Rex:''' What happened? Is Six okay? Guys...what's going on? :''[They arrive at HQ.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Baby brother, you're okay! ''[Runs and hugs him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach just sent me to nowheresville. Nothing to freak out over. :'''Caesar:''' ''[To Providence agent.]'' You didn't tell him? :'''Providence Agent:''' Our orders were just to bring him back. :'''Rex:''' Tell me what? Hey, when did you... have a beard? :'''Caesar:''' There's no easy way to tell you this, hermano. Breach didn't just send you to the middle of nowhere. You've been gone for six months. :'''Rex:''' Six months?! So this is-- :'''Caesar:''' Technically, the future. I should warn you, there've been a few changes. :'''Rex:''' You didn't give away my room, did you? :'''Caesar:''' As a matter of fact, they did. :'''Rex:''' What?! Caesar, tell me what's going on here. :'''Caesar:''' It would be better if I showed you. :'''Rex:''' White Knight taking visitors now? :'''Caesar:''' I'll wait out here. :''[Rex sees Providence agents dressed in black.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice suits. :''[Goes into the office.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ah... Love what you've done with the place. White? :''[Person in chair turns around, it's a woman, not White Knight.]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Thank you, Rex. ''[She gets up and walks towards him.]'' It was a little bright for my taste. White Knight is no longer associated with this organization. :'''Rex:''' He quit? :'''Black Knight:''' He...attempted a hostile takeover and failed. Can I get you anything? Water? A snack? :'''Rex:''' I don't want a snack! Where's Six? Where's Holiday!? :'''Black Knight:''' This must upsetting to you. Change is never easy but from I understand, you've been in situations like this before. Everything's going to be fine. :'''Rex:''' Who are you?! :'''Black Knight:''' Someone very happy to have you back. Call me Black Knight. ==Season Three (2011-2013)== ===Back in Black=== : '''Rex''': Okay, I get what's going on here. : '''Black Knight''': I'm relieved to hear that, Rex. : '''Rex''': You can come out! I know you're there! : '''Black Knight''': Rex? : '''Rex''': We're friends, now, remember? Breach? : '''Black Knight''': Breach isn't here, Rex. The world's changed. As soon you accept th-- : '''Rex''': No, I'm not ignoring you. It's just that you're not real. : '''Black Knight''': I assure you I'm very real-- as is all of this. : '''Rex''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, come on. It's been a fun time in the ol' Breachscape, but, you know, time to go home now. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Seen this before. Usually ends with a black hole. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, you're disoriented. Let me-- : '''Rex''': Sorry, non-lady. No time. Got an exit to find! Shall we aprehend? : '''Black Knight''': It won't be necessary. : '''Caesar''': Rex! Have you lost it? : '''Rex''': Caesar! We're in a pocket dimension! It could collapse at any second! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar''': That's crazy, Rex. This is not a pocket dimension. : '''Rex''': You're right! It's a whole alternate universe! And-- and-- and you're my Brother's evil twin! Out of the way! Six! Six! Doc! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex''': Dr. Holiday! Doc! : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': Wha-- Well, at least some things haven't changed. Whoa! Whoa! Okay, now I-- Bleh-- know I'm in an-- Aah!-- alternate universe. Unh! You can go ahead and -- Blech!-- Eat me now, please. : '''Black Knight''': Release. : '''Rex''': You were... saying something about changes? : '''Black Knight''': There have been a few. : '''Caesar''': You've got temporal lag, Rex. It's kind of like altitude sickness, only in time. Here-- This will balance your electrolytes. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': So this is really-- : '''Black Knight''': Really. Welcome to the future, Rex-- Or, rather, to the present. Without your healing abilities, Providence has embraced a new paradigm. We've moved beyond the outmoded era of "cure, contain, or kill." : '''Rex''': And into the era of "serious leash laws". : '''Caesar''': We used the petting zoo as our test bed. What do you think? : '''Rex''': I think it needs a new name, 'cause, you know, now it really is one. : '''Caesar''': We've developed new techniques for working with EVOs. It's all about understanding them better. : '''Rex''': So, you're some sort of "EVO whisperer"? : '''Caesar''': ''[laughs]'' It's a bit more complicated than that. You sure you're okay? ''[sighs]'' It's good to have you back, brother. : '''Black Knight''': Family ties. They transcend even time itself. : '''Rex''': Caesar's not my only family. : '''Black Knight''': I'll bring you up to speed on the others. When you went M.I.A., White Knight lost his biggest weapon in the war for EVO containment. : '''Rex''': Figures that I have to vanish for him to appreciate me. : '''Black Knight''': White became erratic-- some might say paranoid. Directorate lost faith in his ability to lead. : '''Rex''': Directorate? I never knew white even had a boss. : '''Black Knight''': There are, shall we say, layers. I was named as his replacement. : '''Rex''': Let me guess-- he didn't take it well. : '''Black Knight''': You could say that. : '''Providence Agent''': White Knight! Sir! Stand down! : '''White Knight''': I'd rather go down in flames than see Providence in the hands of the enemy. : '''Providence Agent''': He's got a bomb! Fall back! All units fall ba-- : '''Rex''': Whoa! That was-- : '''Black Knight''': Your room. : '''Rex''': Huh? Aww, man! But... Six... Holiday... where-- : '''Black Knight''': Where do you think? They're out looking for you. Agent Six and Holiday took indefinite leave. They've been off the grid ever since. I've attempted to contact them, but no response. : '''Rex''': Mind if... I give them a ring? Not that I don't trust you. : '''Black Knight''': But you don't trust me. Natural, given the circumstances. Be my guest. It won't take long, to locate them. Meanwhile, there are many familiar faces who will be glad to hear you're back. Which reminds me... This is everything we salvaged from your room. : '''Rex''': Huh. Talk about starting over. : '''Black Knight''': You could you know. There's still a place for you in the-- : '''Rex''': My room. I thought you said it was trashed. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, wait. : '''Rex''': What's the matter, Black? This where you're hiding all your evil secrets? : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex''': Um... Wow! : '''Black Knight''': This entire wing was destroyed in the blast. I had the space... repurposed. : '''Rex''': White wouldn't even splurge for private stalls. : '''Black Knight''': As you see, I treat my finest people to the very finest things. : '''Rex''': Sure. I'll take one of those, please. : '''Black Knight''': It's yours-- and anything else you'd like. : '''Rex''': As long as I do whatever you want-- That it? : '''Black Knight''': On the contrary-- you're a seasoned agent. I have a few boundaries, but otherwise, handle matters as you see fit. : '''Rex''': Say I refuse. : '''Black Knight''': Then I turn you over to mel. ''[chuckling]'' I'm kidding. You're free to leave whenever you like. But I hope you'll stay. Now, more than ever, Providence needs a Rex. So, how do you feel? Like I haven't used one of those in Six months-- Which I haven't. You mind? Bobo? : '''Bobo''': Rex! Heard you were back. So great to see you, buddy. Whoa. Just a sec, there, pal. Gotta love those certain towelettes. : ''[Bobo whistling]'' : '''Bobo''': What? Never seen a monkey wash his hands before? : '''Rex''': Not this one. : ''[Bobo munching]'' : '''Rex''': You wanna tell me what's gotten into you or what? : '''Bobo''': What are you talking abou-- Unh! Hey! : '''Rex''': Sorry. For a minute, I thought you were... : '''Bobo''': Robo Bobo? Wanna check for a tv in my butt? : '''Rex''': Pass. But come on. You've, I don't know, mellowed or something. : '''Bobo''': Guess I just don't have a big need to act out these days, what with you and everyone gone. Plus, the employee benefits are pretty sweet. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, we've got a little EVO problem. Providence could use your help. Ready to get back in the game? : '''Rex''': If it involves getting out of here, that would be a "yes." You coming? : '''Bobo''': I'll join ya on the next one. I got Tai Chi at 2:00. : '''Rex''': Missing an EVO smackdown? That doesn't sound like you. : '''Bobo''': Did I mention the instructor has a thing for back hair? : '''Rex:''' Ew. Okay. That sounds like you. What is it and where do I find it? : '''Providence Agent''': We've got an EVO in the subway tunnels, people trapped in one of the trains. The power's out down there, too. : '''Rex:''' Sounds like a street worm. Sure it's just one? Rex to H.Q. Okay, new chief, how do you want to do this? : '''Black Knight:''' You're the expert. : '''Rex:''' I am? Uh, I mean, of course I am. It's just that Six usually-- : '''Black Knight:''' You don't need help, Rex. Handle it as you see fit. Black, out. : '''Rex:''' What's this strange feeling that's come upon me? Could it be... : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex''': Responsibility?! Okay. Assemble your guys over there. Be ready for me. Should the guys grab flashlight. Or... better. Not a bad pre-show. Now for the main event. : '''Providence Agent:''' How did you know? : '''Rex:''' These things usually travel in pairs. I used lights from my builds to make it think I was another worm. Have your bug net handy. They're so cute after I shut them down. : '''Rex:''' Sorry B.K. No can cure. : '''Black Knight:''' Understood. Our team will take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Um, take what where? : '''Providence Agent:''' Move into the vehicle! Move... into... the vehicle! Hit her again! : '''Rex:''' Um, what just happend? : '''Black Knight:''' That's all for now, Rex. Nicely done. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Wait. What are you gonna do with it? : '''Providence Agent:''' Standard rehab and re-lo. It's all very humane. : '''Rex:''' I'd love to see that. Mind if I tag along? : '''Black Knight:''' Sorry, Rex. Authorized personnel only. You've done your job. Now let the team theirs. : '''Rex:''' But-- : '''Black Knight:''' Boundaries, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Boundaries. Got it. Rex, out. : '''Caesar:''' Main container reached. Attach stabilizer ring. : '''Rex:''' Humane? Yeah, right. : ''[Bobo yawns]'' : '''Bobo:''' See? Great employee benefits. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Right. Hey, you got a tag sticking out in the back. Mind if I-- : '''Bobo:''' Thanks, pal. Well, off to yoga. : '''Caesar:''' You really shouldn't be here, hermano. : '''Rex:''' The petting zoo? The worm? My monkey practicing good hygiene? You're using that thing to control my friend! : '''Caesar:''' He's still the same Bobo you know and love. He just need a few boundaries. : '''Rex:''' He's not the same, and neither are you! You should hear yourself! : '''Caesar:''' Making the world safer isn't possible without some form of control. And you'd better get some control of yourself, mijo. : '''Rex:''' Or what? You'll use that thing on me? : '''Caesar:''' Open your eyes to all the good we're accomplishing. Isn't this better than smacking them with your giant fists? : '''Rex:''' That's combat! I protect people and property! Okay, property, not so much, but this? If you can't see the difference, then maybe I never knew you at all! : '''Caesar:''' It doesn't matter. I have work to do. : '''Rex:''' So do I! : ''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Uses his Smack Hands to smash everything around him]'' : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Stop! : '''Black Knight:''' Snooping around, Rex? See, that's another one of my boundaries. : '''Rex:''' White Knight may have had his issues, but he never resorted to anything like this! : '''Black Knight:''' I never planned to do this, Rex, but you've become a danger. : '''Rex''' ''[shocked]'': Caesar! Think! You can't do this! : '''Caesar:''' Of course I'm thinking. This is the logical conclusion to what we started. : '''Rex:''' The logical-- Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Raaah! Aah! : ''[Caesar blasts the mind-control laser, causing Rex to scream and groan in pain]'' : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. You'll thank me later. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You... better... believe I will! : '''Caesar:''' Please don't resist! It's only painful if you struggle! : '''Black Knight:''' What's taking so long? : '''Caesar:''' He's fighting it! His nantic energy is spiking off the scale! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Boost power. : '''Caesar:''' It's not safe to-- : '''Black Knight:''' It's for the best. : ''[Caesar increases power, causing Rex's nanites to go haywire as a tear fall down his cheek, heartbroken about his own brother betraying him]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Manages to overpower the mind-control machine, much to the surprise and wonder of Caesar and Black Knight]'' : '''Rex:''' You just drew a line in the sand, bro! ''[runs off]'' : '''Black Knight:''' You'd better have a backup. : '''Caesar:''' The prototype. Not portable, but more than enough power, even for him. : '''Black Knight:''' Get it ready. : '''Rex:''' Unh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' No mood to get slimed right now, mel! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' What happened to your EVO control? : '''Black Knight:''' A demonstration. You know what would happen without our influence. : '''Rex:''' So, you're hijacking its brain, like you tried to do with mine. : '''Black Knight:''' That won't be necessary if you'll willingly cooperate. : '''Rex:''' Translation-- if I do everything you say. : '''Black Knight:''' You've seen how we can work together. Providence still needs you. There will always be a few EVOs we can't control. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I'm one of them. : '''Black Pawns:''' Shall we pursue? : '''Black Knight:''' Most definitely. : '''Rex:''' Gangway! Coming through! Huh? No! Huh. Black Pawns. Overdoing the whole theme, don't you think? : ''[Rex groaning]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yah! I'm getting beat up by the chess club! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' We... got off on the wrong foot. Stow the hardware and come with us. You have my word you won't be harmed. We can start over-- the right way. : '''Bobo:''' You mind? You're interrupting the enjoyment of my employee benefits. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : ''[Rex panting]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Rex was tranquilized]'' Excellent work. Take him to the lab. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? No way! You're not turning my brain to mashed potatoes! Doc?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Welcome back, Rex. : '''Six:''' Good to see you, kid. : '''Rex:''' Before I blame this on a Burrito-induced nightmare, will someone please tell me-- What... Is... Going... On?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What do you think? We've been looking for you. : '''Six:''' We knew Providence might find you first. Fortunately, we planted a mole. : '''Bobo:''' Ehh. Rex! Put 'er there! : '''Rex:''' Uhh! You didn't wash! Oh! You didn't wash! But that means... that he really was... Robo Bobo? : '''Bobo:''' In the flesh. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Literally. I gave it a biological upgrade, complete with his own nanites and... fleas, ticks, lice, chigger mites. : '''Bobo:''' What can I say? I'm an ecosystem. : '''Six:''' It's enough to fool your brother's equipment. The robot is only providing limited intel. But one thing is sure-- new Providence is about more than just getting Evos off the streets. : '''Rex:''' I saw it. Whatever they're doing over there is seriously messed up. : '''Six:''' That's why we've set up our own operation. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Where did you get all of this? : '''Six:''' We have our sources. : '''Rex:''' So, we're like super secret spies now? Cool! :''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's too bad about White, though. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm gonna miss that pasty guy. : '''White Knight:''' How touching, Rex. I, on the other hand, would rather enjoyed the last six Rex-free months. Now... if we're done with the love-in, we have work to do. : '''Rex:''' It really can't get any better than this. Oh, except one thing-- can I get a TV? ===Crash and Burn=== *From this episode, Rex can create two builds at once :''[Bobo yawns]'' :'''Bobo:''' They say nothin' good happens after midnight. And, you know, they're right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm worried about you, Bobo. Since we left Providence, you've been staying out every night. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo gulps]'' :'''Bobo:''' That's not the least of your worries. Seen our boy lately? :''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex is fine. He just needs time to adjust to our new setting. Rex? It's Holiday. Are you there? :'''Rex:''' Hey, doc. What up? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Just checking in. Everything okay? :'''Rex:''' Better than okay. I'm about to set a new land-speed record' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That wasn't what I meant. How are you feeling? :'''Rex:''' Appreciate the concern, but the only thing on my mind right now is the need for speed. Apparently, I'm not alone. I'll call you back. Hey! Slow down! I want to talk to you! Ah. You want to play chicken. Doc? Bobo? I'm getting blitzed by some bikers. Aah! :'''Rand:''' Might as well give up! I won't quit! I'm a relentless, never-say-die, nonstop-- Uh, hey, wait a minute. Who are you? :'''Rex:''' Think you could have asked me that before trying to run me down? :'''Rand:''' Ooh! My fault. I thought you were one of us. :'''Rex:''' "One of us"? What is this? :'''Rand:''' Sorry, dude. No time to chat. Peace. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, like I'm gonna take that for an answer. A street race? Or a demolition derby? :''[Lance grunts]'' :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Lance:''' Gonna need a bike. :'''Rex:''' Can't believe you survive that! You must be the luckiest guy on the-- These are nanites. :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Oh, come on! :'''Six:''' Something wrong? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Prototypes. I prefer tried-and-tested. And I don't even know what we're going to do with half of this stuff. :'''Bobo:''' You're goin' soft, gettin' worked over by a bunch of goofballs on motorcycles. :'''Rex:''' They had weapons. :'''Bobo:''' Last time I checked, so did you. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but not while I'm on my bike. I'm strictly one at a time. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites that have infected his body are slowly poisoning him. I've never seen anything like it. :'''Rex:''' Do what you can, Doc? I'm gonna go out and look for those racers. :'''Bobo:''' Sounds dangerous. :'''Rex:''' Sure, Bobo. You can come, too. The nanites we found on the biker gave off a different energy signature. Gonna use one of Holiday's new toys to try to scan for it. A bunch of them. And they're moving fast. :'''Bobo:''' Then step on it! Maybe Holiday has a point about prototypes! :'''Rex:''' Or maybe they're not on the streets. I'll watch the road. You watch the screen. :'''Bobo:''' Gotta warn you-- Chimps make bad navigators! :'''Rex:''' Just do it! :'''Bobo:''' Hmm? Left! You're goin' left! Make a right! Another right! :'''Rex:''' Which way? :'''Bobo:''' I don't know! That way-ish! Wah! Like I said-- Monkeys make great navigators! This is your biker gang? :'''Rex:''' They had weapons before I'm telling you-- They're tough! :'''Bobo:''' If you say so. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Wall. :''[Bobo and Rex grunts]'' :'''Moss:''' That's some fancy ridin'. You following us, kid? :'''Rex:''' Still think they don't look tough? :'''Bobo:''' I take it back. :'''Moss:''' Who are you, kid? 'Cause whoever you are, you're not bad. :'''Rand:''' You're awesome! Where'd you learn to ride like that? Anybody with that kind of skill should be with us. Yeah! :'''Moss:''' What's your secret? :'''Rex:''' No secret. I'm just built that way. :'''Lunk:''' Is that guy from TV-- The one who fights EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Five bucks for pictures, ten bucks for autographs. :'''Rand:''' A talking monkey! Outrageous! I gotta have one. Is he for sale? :'''Bobo:''' Brother, you can't afford me. :'''Rex:''' You guys seem tight-- For guys who try to kill each other. :'''Rand:''' We're not killers. We're racers. This is a legitimate sport. :'''Moss:''' It is what it is. Our races aren't for the weak. Name's Moss. You've met Rand. :'''Rex:''' He tried to blow me up. :'''Rand:''' I missed. You're welcome. Come on, don't leave me hangin'. :'''Moss:''' Never met a celebrity who could ride. :'''Rex:''' I caught you, didn't I? :'''Moss:''' But are you tough enough try me? :'''Rex:''' Try me. :'''Bobo:''' You gotta fight back? :'''Rex:''' With what? :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. Fine, leave it to Chimpy. Aah! I'll take that. Phbt! :'''Rex:''' Something else on the map-- Moving fast! And it's big! :'''Providence Agent:''' Halt! You kids! Pull over! Now! :'''Moss:''' Cops! :'''Bobo:''' Worst than cops-- Providence. :'''Rex:''' The bikes give off a nanite signature. They must have tracked it. :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex, what are you doing here? :'''Rex:''' Research. You don't want to get caught up in this! Back off now! Sorry, guys. Have Black Knight sent me the bill. :'''Rand:''' Ha! No way! You want to beat me, you gotta step your game up. Aah! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Rand! :'''Bobo:''' Don't stop! Kid's wearing armor. He's fine. :'''Rex:''' No! Something's wrong! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' What is this thing? Doc? Get over here quick. We've got another one. :'''Biker gangs:''' WHOO-HOO-HOO! :''[Biker gangs laughs]'' :'''Biker gangs:''' Yeah! :'''Moss:''' We thought you'd bailed on us. Where were you? :'''Rex:''' Watching a doctor try to save Rand's life. :'''Moss:''' Racers get sick sometimes. It's part of the life. :'''Rex:''' Those nanite power sources-- you got to stop using them. To feel one with the road, that rush? So some people get sick. When we're on our rides, nothing else matters. :'''Rex:''' Your rides are killing you! You're gonna be dead-- All of you! And for what? So you can go a little faster? :'''Moss:''' We need those things to ride. You know what it's like. :'''Lunk:''' Please. Don't take our bikes away. :'''Rex:''' Nobody's going to take your bikes. But I need to know where you got those nanites. :'''Lunk:''' ''[sighs]'' A guy named Valve. He supplies the superchargers. :'''Moss:''' You're wasting your time. Valve never talks to anybody. :'''Rex:''' He'll talk to me. :'''Bobo:''' Been in a lot of bad biker dives, but this is the worst I've ever seen. :'''Valve:''' Enter, strangers. The biker will see you now. Please, sit. May I offer you some tea? :'''Rex:''' I'll pass. :'''Valve:''' Suit yourself. I find a good cup of tea soothing-- for the body and the soul. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Valve:''' You don't have to tell the biker why you're here. The biker can tell. You wish to buy a supercharger. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Rex:''' Your superchargers are killing people. It's gonna stop. :''[Valve breathes deeply]'' :'''Valve:''' Hmm. That sounds like a challenge. :'''Rex:''' Maybe it is. I'll race you for them. If I win, you hand over your entire stockpile. :'''Valve:''' Shh! Your answer is on the wind. :'''Rex:''' You're... not right in the head, are you? :'''Valve:''' When the wind commands, the impossible game must be gamed. The challenge is accepted. We will race for the superchargers. And when the biker wins... It won't matter. :'''Rex:''' Why is that? :'''Valve:''' Because you'll be dead. Let the race begin. :'''Moss:''' This is his own private track. He knows it better than anyone. You can still back out-- Probably. :'''Rex:''' And let people become poison, like Valve? No. I can take him. Just give me something to hit him with. You guys are walking arsenals. You don't have anything? :'''Moss:''' You didn't think we'd need 'em today. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Message from Holiday. The two sick teens have stabilized, but she's still a ways from finding a cure. :'''Rex:''' It was the only weapon I could find, okay? Can I borrow the sword? :'''Six:''' Use your own. :'''Rex:''' On wheels? It's not gonna happen. :'''Six:''' What's stopping you? :'''Rex:''' Well, for one thing, I-- Um, not sure exactly. :'''Six:''' What have I been teaching you? Focus on what you want and make it happen. No more excuses. :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :'''Valve:''' You're lucky. One the very best get a chance at this track. :'''Rex:''' Then I should fit right in. Rules of the game-- ten laps. Cross the finish line before the biker, and you may have them. :'''Rex:''' So, is the wind talking to you now? :'''Valve:''' The wind commands the Biker to destroy you. The Biker is happy to oblige. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' You gonna help him? :'''Six:''' He's doing fine. :'''Bobo:''' Are you watchin' the same race I am? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You're in trouble, Rex! No. Keep it together. Keep... it... together. Six said it-- Focus. Focus. Focus! :''[Valve laughs]'' :'''Valve:''' Oblivion. :'''Six:''' Like I sad-- He's doing fine. :'''Rex:''' Double-up! Where have you been all my life? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Cute toy. But I like mine better. :'''Valve:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Was there any doubt? :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, plenty. :''[Valve panting]'' :'''Rex:''' We had the deal. Remember? :'''Valve:''' Like the storm that changes directions on a whim, the biker is changing the deal. 'Cause the biker-- ''[grunts]'' Doesn't like! ''[grunts]'' The biker-- ''[grunts]'' never loses! ''[grunts]'' Unh! :'''Rex:''' First time for everything. Thank you, Six. :'''Six:''' It was all you, kid. :'''Moss:''' Rand! :'''Biker gangs:''' Oh, Rand! Good to see you! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Completely detoxified. In a couple days, they'll be back to full strength. Those could be useful at the new base. :'''Moss:''' You can't stop us from riding. :'''Rex:''' What's stopping you? You can still ride. You just won't be poisoned by nanites. Come on. Race you back to the garage. :''[Rex rides off]'' :'''Moss:''' ''[Chasing after Rex]'' You heard the man. Hit it! :'''Six:''' You do realize we just turned a group of reckless teenage boys loose on the city. :'''Bobo:''' All in a day's work. ===Heroes United, Part 1=== :'''Caesar:''' Now where are you? So it ''is'' you. This is most disturbing. <hr width80%> : '''Ben:''' You know the friend you care about!? Well, I have a cousin, a grandfather, a best friend that I care about!! They don't exist here! I may never see them again! I'm totally alone! So go ahead! Do your worst. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we can help each other. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I'm curious how big brother knows about something from a parallel dimension. : '''Caesar:''' Because I sent it there. In the early days of the Nanite Project, our goal was simple. Construct microscopic machines to cure diseases, grow new cells, regenerate bones. They was a control issue. Some thought a human-machine link was the answer. Others proposed that the machines control themselves. I was in latter cam. I developed the Alpha to control other nanites. To maximize its effectiveness, I had to program Alpha to think for itself. :'''Ben:''' Does a low explanation mean something bad on your Earth too? :'''Rex:''' Yep. :'''Caesar:''' Alpha developed its own consciousness. It evolved into a unique life-form. It wanted a body, but whatever it built burned out. So when Alpha attempted possessing living this, Alpha had to be eliminated. So I built a dimensional disruptor. :'''Ben:''' Looks like a Null Void gun. We got some like those back home, too. ===Heroes United, Part 2=== :'''Alpha:''' The nanites in those creatures. They are different, powerful. Your nanites are weak. I have no use for you. Where is the boy? :'''Holiday:''' His nanites are off limits!! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' My brother!? Look around! He's not here! :'''Alpha:''' The father is redundant. Now that I found you. <hr width80%> :'''Alpha:''' I cannot merge! What makes you so special, human? Yes. You shelter an Omega. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Don't let it get to Rex! If it drains his nanites-! :'''Diamondhead:''' Game over. I get it. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': My most powerful builds came from the Omega nanite. A lot of people are going to get hurt and I can't stop it. What happens when the best you can do just isn't enough? :'''Ben''': You get an Upgrade. :'''Rex:''' Weren't you listening? Alpha has the Omega. :'''Ben:''' I'm not talking about a nanite. :(''Transforms into Upgrade'') :'''Rex''': Hey, what are you- ''[Upgrade merges with Rex]'' Whoa, okay, that feels weird. ''[Upgrade covers Rex's body like a suit]'' Wow, what supposed to happen now? ''[Upgrade's head appears on Rex's left shoulder]'' Uh...don't do that, you freaking me out! :'''Upgrade''': Build something! :'''Rex''': ''[Builds a Smack Arm, which is modified by Upgrade]'' Sweet, so what's the plan? :'''Upgrade''': You build stuff, I make it better. Fight fight fight, we win! :'''Rex''': Works for me! ''[Rex builds a Boogie Pack and blasts off]'' <hr width80%> :'''Alpha''': Organics who rely on machines for their power, I don't need. The machines themselves, now those I will have. ===Phantom of the Soap Opera=== :'''Rex Salazar:''' In a world he never chose and barely understands... ''[Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene]'' One incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. ''[jumps into a lake scene]'' Forget train wrecks... ''[punches]'' And car wrecks... ''[kicks]'' Nothing brings the pain like this Rex. ''[runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.]'' :'''Actor in costume:''' Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. :'''Noah Nixon:''' Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. :'''Actor in costume:''' Ah, dude? :''[Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. :''[Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' That's a closed set. ''[Noah pulls on his hair]'' C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got this. ''[pulls girls back from stage with turbines]'' I just don't get girls, how come they get so... ''[notices something behind Noah, acts all excited]'' Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. :'''Rex Salazar:''' You mean like pages? ''[Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. ''[makes binocular with his hands]'' :'''Head Page:''' You got that right bub. ''[Rex looks behind him, and jumps away]'' By the way Page, you lose something? ''[has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope]'' Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. ''[Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls]'' :'''Head Page:''' ''[points to her left eye]'' I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. :''[On set of telenovela]'' :''[Isabella crying]'' :'''Reymundo:''' Pensabas que yo era tu marido. ¡Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermano diabólico de Reynaldo. :'''Isabella:''' Yo sé, pero todavía te amo. :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen]'' How can anyone say that's not great! :''[Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa? Celebrities know you? :''[There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. :''[Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. :'''Noah Nixon:''' It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... ''[drops tray]'' It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. :''[Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' AHHH! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[looks down at tray and jacket]'' Ohhhhh... :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, okay don't worry... :'''Head Page:''' ''[yelling at another page behind Rex]'' You call yourself a page! :'''Rex:''' Okay worry. ''[puts his fingers together]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! :'''Rex Salazar:''' No you're not. Come on, move! :''[They run to a supply closet.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' I've gotta lead another tour in 45 minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in 45 minutes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is my bad, but I can fix this. ''[Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating]'' We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. ''[Rex points at Noah]'' Noah, calm down! :''[Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Not helping. ''[Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Uh... yeah, I guess? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. :''[Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.]'' :''[Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :'''Isabella:''' Finally! You are here! :''[Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? :'''Isabella:''' Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. :'''Isabella:''' You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. :''[A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Is that our page? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :''[Rex falls]'' :'''Isabella:''' He's mine, I saw him first! :''[Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.]'' :'''Isabella:''' He is mine!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hum? :'''Beatriz:''' Why don't we let him decide? :'''[Rex is being pulled back and forth]'' :'''Isabella:''' You would like that wouldn't you? :'''Beatriz:''' Yes I would! Very much. :'''Isabella:''' Fine. :''[Girls growl at each other and walk away.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[grinning]'' Did they just cat-fight over me? :''[The girls come back with lists.]'' :'''Isabella:''' Here is a list of what I need you to do! :'''Beatriz:''' And here's mine! :'''Rex Salazar:''' You want me to work on the show? :'''Beatriz:''' Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. :'''Rex Salazar:''' But I'm not ... ''[looks over the girls]'' ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. :''[Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. :'''Isabella:''' You are dead to me! But I will take this one. ''[takes yogurt]'' :''[Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.]'' :''[Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? ''[offers him a mug of coffee]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Gracias. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Leche? :'''Reynaldo:''' How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh, okay, didn't know that. Sugar? :''[Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? :''[Rex looks around and the phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex, where are you? :'''Reynaldo:''' No phone! ''[Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.]'' You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! ''[grabs Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait what are you... ''[Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing]'' ...Oh, thanks! :''[Everyone runs up to them.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Not another accidente! :'''Isabella:''' ''[scared]'' Ay. Dios mio! No! :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's okay, I'm fine. :'''Isabella:''' ''[pushes Rex down]'' My jogurt! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up... ''[whispers to man though they look at him]'' Oh. ''[Reynaldo hands him the mop.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. :'''Reynaldo:''' Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... ''[another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground]'' Aahh... Por que? Ay. :''[Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ugh! Clowns. :''[The mongoose squeaks.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. :''[Mongo growls, bears teeth]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. ''[wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. ''[Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? :''[Mongo jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Wait, that's you, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. ''[reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. ''[Mongo sets off another trap]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] :'''Beatriz:''' What's going on back there? :'''Isabella:''' Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Getting thrown around back stage]'' Ouch. ''[gets beat up by mechanical clowns]'' :''[Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ok, New plan-- First I smash your face, then I cure you. :''[Mongo knocks over equipment]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. ''[grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls]'' Oww! Look out! :''[Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. ''[last wall of stage set falls behind him]'' :'''Beatriz:''' What are jou talking about? :'''Isabella:''' We just saw you ruin our set. :'''Reynaldo:''' You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... ''[looks at name badge]'' Noah Nixon. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. :''[Three actors gasps]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' ''[tears off his own shirt]'' Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! :''[Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? :'''Noah Nixon: What? Why are you-- :'''Rex Salazar:''' No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear]'' Heh! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my... your name. :'''Noah Nixon:''' You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. ''[Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' ''[to Reynaldo]'' You are bleeding! :'''Reynaldo:''' What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! ''[moans and falls on his face crushing a chair]'' :'''Beatriz:''' You cannot go on. :'''Isabella:''' If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'll do it!!! :'''Reynaldo:''' You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe... But no! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! :'''Rex Salazar:''' So, is that a-- :'''Reynaldo:''' Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Accion! :''[Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[thinking]'' Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! ''[groans]'' Nope. Doesn't make it any better. ''[Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls]'' Where'd you go? :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. :'''Rex Salazar: Hey wait, I'm not-- :'''Guy in suit:''' Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr.... Nixon? :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. Mr. Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. ''[takes script, leaves]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing]'' :''[Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? ''[Mongo growls and grows huge]'' Oh so you can do that too. ''[Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. ''[Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' ''[walks up]'' Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? ''[Rex runs off]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[points in other direction, Rex runs that way]'' :''[Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, gimme that! ''[grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building]'' :''[Rex looks in the hole into the stage.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. ''[runs off after Mongo]'' :''[Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I think this is for you. ''[runs after Mongo]'' :''[Phone rings]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Did you catch it? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. :'''Noah Nixon:''' I am so dead. :'''Lady with clipboard:''' ''[grabs Rex by the collar]'' Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your two p.m. tour. ''[Gives Rex clipboard and keys]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Driving tram with tourists]'' Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. :''[Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard]'' :'''Tourist:''' They had better special effects at my kids' school play. :''[Back on soap opera stage]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! :''[Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.]'' :''[Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Yes! That's it exactly! :''[Mongo growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. ''[big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' That's not the hand I meant. :''[Actors, stunned, applaud]'' :''[Rex picks up Mongo.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' You are a good page, Noah Nixon. :''[Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.]'' :''[At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Oh, my jacket! ''[Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.]'' :''[Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. ''[He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I'm proud of you, kiddo! It took me sixty seven years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. ''[Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back]'' :'''Head Page:''' Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. ''[they look at each other with puzzled frowns]'' :''[Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. ''[Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! ''[Noah smiles.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's OK, it's OK. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! ''[Rex runs off]'' Nixon! :''[Mongo looking down from rafters]'' ===Riddle of the Sphinx=== :'''Egyptian Guide:''' They uncovered the tunnel during routine sewer work. No one has set foot in here in over 3.500 years. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Providence doesn't work the location yet? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' ''[laughs]'' The antiquities comission does not like this Black Knight. They keep her busy with much paperwork. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The maze looks like it extends for miles. They do that to keep looters out? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' Or to keep something in. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Anything that was trapped in here couldn't be alive after all this time. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' I-I-I must go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''': Watch out! Bobby traps. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' That's not what I'm afraid of. :'''Bobo:''' It's only been a few days since we heard from Holiday. :'''Six:''' Something's wrong. :'''Bobo:''' Maybe she wanted a vacation from you clowns. "Something's wrong." :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Providence! She in is trouble. :'''Six:''' Black Knight. And she has your better half. :'''Bobo:''' I'm predictin' an awkward situation. :'''Black Knight:''' Hello, Rex. If you came for your friend, I'll have to disappoint you. :'''Rex:''' That hairy creep? You can keep the traitor. Hey! My faithful guide, why don't you go away while we discuss business? :'''Bobo:''' It's me, you dopey tin can! Beat it! Or the boss lady's gonna get wise to our little switcheroo. :'''Rex:''' What's the campout for? :'''Black Knight:''' Routine scientific research. :'''Rex:''' Look, I know Holiday was here. What'd you do with her? :'''Black Knight:''' We arrived an hour ago. The locals say Holiday unleashed a monster down in the tunnels. The situation's under control. As soon as we've secured the tunnels, I'll send a team in to see if she's still alive. :'''Rex:''' I'm going with you. :'''Black Knight:''' You're going nowhere. You quit Providence. Unless you're recosindering? :'''Rex:''' Come on, guide. Holiday's in those tunnels. But Black Knight has a whole battalion of Providence goons guarding the entrance. :'''Six:''' I figured she'd be no help. That's why I found someone who knows a back way in. :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The Kushari is healthy. For the stomach, good. :'''Rex:''' Enough about the Kushari! Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' For so young, you in such a hurry. And old cook like me, I live by selling Kushari. Why not buy some? You buy, I give you more information. :'''Bobo:''' Ah, come on. Stop bein' so stingy. Buy some more. :'''Six:''' Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The sewer man-- They came to fix a leak. They found the tunnel to the entrance in my basement. :'''Bobo:''' Mmm! :'''Rex:''' Way cool! Maybe we'll see some mummies! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Tell us where Holiday is! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Where do you think I am? :'''Six:''' Holiday! :'''Bobo:''' So, what's with the halloween get up, doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I found it in one of the chambers. Scares off the curious. I need to get to the bottom of all this before Black Knight. :'''Rex:''' The bottom of what? This is all ancient history? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You can this ancient history? :'''Rex:''' That looks like a nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's because it is a nanite. :'''Six:''' How could they have knowledge back then? :'''Rex:''' Aliens! Like the ones that built the pyramids. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' None of this is more advanced that the 21st century. It's not aliens. I think the answers lie behind this door. But I can't figure out how to open it. :'''Rex:''' Open the door? No problem, Doc! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Stop! This whole place is booby-trapped. We open this wrong, they'll bring the tunnels down on us. :'''Rex:''' If there's a wrong way to open it, then that means there's a right way, too. Maybe the nanite picture is a clue. The whole thing is rigged like one. Told you-- No prob. Whoa, mumies. :'''Bobo:''' What are you lookin' at, beautiful? :'''Rex:''' Ha! Awesome! I'd love to see the look on Knight's face when she finds out we've beat her here. :'''Black Knight:''' Then let me step a little closer so you can see. :'''Six:''' How'd you find us? :'''Black Knight:''' Your mole helped me. :'''Bobo:''' Sorry, pal. :'''Black Knight:''' I should have known better. It's old junk from the dead. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Guranset:''' Gharun Set is not dead. :'''Rex:''' Put her down! :'''Black Knight:''' This isn't the time for violence. Our host has forgotten his manners. I presume he hasn't had guests in a long time. :'''Guranset:''' Almost an eternity. Gharun Set said has waited for his release. Awaken this cursed prison through the ages. :'''Black Knight:''' You speak English. That is interesting. Who taught your own language, Gharun Set? :'''Guranset:''' I was taught by the great father. :'''Black Knight:''' Father? What did he look me? :'''Guranset:''' He is dead-- As all of you soon shall be! :'''Black Knight:''' Now's the time for violence. :'''Guranset:''' Aah! :'''Black Knight:''' A nanite disrupter. Something I had your brother's lab whip up. It's quite lethal. :'''Rex:''' Looks like the lab forgot to tell him that. :'''Guranset:''' The boy controls the engines of life? It can't be. I laid low the armies of six kingdoms, swordsman. You think your tiny blades can stop me? :'''Rex:''' Try this one for size! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His staff is a nanite disrupter. Get it away from him. :'''Rex:''' Easier said than done! :'''Guranset:''' Haah! :'''Rex:''' Oh, mummies! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, yeah, you got your mummies. I hope you're happy! :'''Six:''' Rex! We can handle this! He's getting away! :'''Guranset:''' One last trap to keep me imprisoned, father. Nothing will keep me from my destiny! You serve his plan, child, and don't even know it. :'''Rex:''' Everybody talk weird in ancient Egypt, or it is just your special thing? Uh... are they supposed to do that? :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Guranset:''' Finally! I am free! :'''Six:''' These EVO's won't say dead. :'''Bobo:''' Their breath stinks, too! Ah, boy! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You could thank me for saving your life. :'''Black Knight:''' Dr. Holiday, our lives are not safe yet. :'''Guranset:''' I am not alone. Together, we shall reconquer this land, and then.. the world! :'''Rex:''' Uh, I think the sun's baked him loopy. You can't reanimate that. It's a statue. :'''Guranset:''' This is not statue, child. It is a tomb. Arise, my mighty steed. Arise, my sphinx! :'''Rex:''' Providence, this is Rex. You may want to evacuate Cairo. :'''Guranset:''' This city is a blight upon my kingdom. All shall be as it once was. :'''Rex:''' I'm warning you, Gharun Set-- I don't want to have to get rough with you. Step off the pussycat. :'''Guranset:''' You presume to tell a pharaoph what to do. Be gone! :'''Six:''' Holiday. There's something I want to tell you before it's too late. :'''Bobo:''' Ugh. Hold still! Oh, no. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All of them. Like the nanites keeping them alive... self-destructed? I'm sorry. What were you going to say? :'''Six:''' Holiday... I, uh... :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hold that thought. :'''Bobo:''' What's it gonna be, the kooky chicks or we go help Rex save the world? :'''Six:''' Rex probably has this under control. Holiday needs my-- our help. :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, I can't resist a good catfight either. :'''Rex:''' Let me handle! This it's too dangerous! :'''Pilot:''' Black Knight, target sighted. It's riding a 50-foot-tall house cat. Please advise. :'''Black Knight:''' Do not harm. Contain and capture. We need that specimen. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Pilot disregard. Last order. Target no longer needed. Destroy. Repeat-- Destroy. :'''Pilot:''' You're with the lady. Lock and load. :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! Get out of here! I don't know what he's up to, but it's not good. :'''Garunset:''' Behold the majesty of my dream. My kingdom! My paradise! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What is this place? :'''Black Knight:''' It's the stuff of legends. The fabled hall of records which lay hidden beneath where the sphinx once was. :'''Bobo:''' "Was"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This can't be! That's the helix splitter. And that looks like a nano-flux inducer. Caesar built the first prototype of one last year. :'''Black Knight:''' I can't let you touch any of this. It's too unstable with age. When you blundered in the tomb, you set off a safeguard. Someone thought this room too dangerous for the world to know about. :'''Bobo:''' Agreed. Let's scram! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't! Don't you know what this means to science? The knowledge in here is invaluable. It cannot be lost-- Again! :'''Black Knight:''' It won't be! Now that we know where it is, we can dig it out later. We will study it. I promise you that. :'''Six''': Holiday. Let it go. :'''Guranset''': As father promised-- I will rule forever. :'''Rex''': Forever is gonna be shorter than you think. :'''Guranset''': No! Nooooo! :'''Rex''': Aw, come on! I didn't hit you that hard! :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Rex''': What's happening to you? :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Guranset''': Aaaaaaaaah! :''[Guranset grunts]'' :'''Guranset''': Do not touch your pharaoh. :'''Rex''': You need help. Your nanites are dying of old age-- I think. It's like starting an old car. Uh, o-or a camel. Let me help you. I can fix your nanites, and then maybe-- :'''Guranset''': Lies! :'''Rex''': You're in a strange time, a strange place. We have science, machines. We can help you. Trust us. :'''Guranset''': Like you trust the woman you call Black Knight? I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. Father told me of you... Rex. :'''Rex:''' What? How do you know my-- :'''Guranset''': I would have helped the world. Ended the hunger, the wars. But now he will return. Avenge me. ''[Echoing]'' I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. <hr width80/> :'''Black Knight:''' You wanted something? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The hall of records-- You can't keep it a secret. It must be studied. That hall-- :'''Black Knight:''' What hall? :'''Rex:''' Why'd you do that?! Holiday said-- :'''Black Knight:''' Some secrets are best left buried under the sands, Rex. :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Gentleman. Dr. Holiday. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, what'd you want to tell me back in the tomb? :'''Six:''' It can wait. :'''Rex:''' Don't wait too long. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All those priceless artifacts. And we still don't know who created Gharun Set. ===Guy vs. Guy=== :'''Rex:''' This means war. <hr width80%> ===Double Vision=== : ''[The episode starts as a butterfly flies through plants in a flower shop. Suddenly, Rex is thrown into the shop window, making nearby civilians run away. Rex gets up and looks out of the broken glass, seeing a beastly plant EVO, a few people watching, and Agent Six slashing his swords around to evade the EVO's tentacles.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Pants and brushes leaves off his sleeve and puts on goggles.]'' Not bad! : ''[Uses the Punk Busters to jump out of the shop and generates his Smack Hands to uppercut the EVO, causing it to crash into a nearby building.]'' But I'm better! : ''[The EVO gets out of the glass windows and roars, attacking Agent Six.]'' : '''Agent Six:''' ''[Cuts off a tentacle and walks towards Rex.]'' Talk is cheap, Rex. Prove it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Generating the Smack Hands.]'' No problemo. : ''[The EVO rushes towards Rex, unfortunately, Rex grabs it and slams it onto the ground. A random girl is driving up the road on a moped. However, she is stopped as the EVO blocks the path.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Putting his hands up to assure the girl.]'' Nothing to worry about, I've got this handled. ''[Turns to EVO, whom is still on the floor.]'' Okay big guy, say adiós to those nasty nanites. : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex kneels down to cure the EVO, flowers spout out of the EVO]'' Aw, for me? Does this mean we're dating? : ''[Suddenly, the flowers shoot out some goo into Rex's face, making him slam onto the floor, a crowd forms around the battle.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Yelps while getting up and pulls his goggles off and wipes the goo off his face.]'' Oh, that's better. ''[He gives his goggles to the random female on the moped]'' Hey! Watch these for me. ''[Runs back into battle and generates the Punk Busters and kicks the blacked out EVO over a building.]'' Goal! Hey thanks for holding onto my...huh?... : ''[Rex turns around to see the girl missing from the crowd. Deforming his Punk Busters, he spots the girl riding away on her moped. She turns to look back at Rex, appearing to have on his goggles.]'' : '''Rex:''' Goggles! : ''[Rex puts one of his hands up to signal for her to wait, but the EVO returns and wraps its tentacle around Rex's neck. The EVO twists Rex in mid-air in the sky for a minute before slamming him onto the cement. Rex gets up and sees the goggle girl riding away out of sight.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! You've got my...ungh...goggles... Aah! Ungh! Did you see that girl?! She stole my goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Priorities, Rex. : '''Rex:''' They are my priority, Six. I can pound EVOs any day. Those goggles are-- Ah, great. Who invited her? : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, gentlemen. We've got this covered. : '''Rex:''' We don't need any help. Whoa! Whoa! Ungh! : '''Black Knight:''' Obviously. Control collar-- Now. We'll take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Take it from whe-e-re?! I've already got this under contro-o-o-o-l! Whoa! Ugh! Let me try to cure it. : '''Black Knight:''' The new Providence protocol is to confine, constrain and control. If curing is an option, it will be considered-- At my discretion. : '''Rex:''' Control? I can cure it now and end this. : '''Black Knight:''' The offer still stands. If you want to come back to Providence, you can continue your mission. : '''Rex:''' I have my mission! : '''Black Knight:''' Curing every EVO on Earth isn't a mission, Rex. It's an impossibility. : '''Rex:''' Watch me. : '''Black Knight:''' Everybody back! Contain those seedlings! : '''Rex:''' You just made it worse! Now I've got to clean up your mess. Starting with this guy. See? Fearing works! : '''Black Knight:''' It was your actions that exacerbated this situation. I want full containment and control over those seedlings. Move out-- Now. : '''Agent Six:''' While you were arguing, Holiday found another sprout. Let's go deal with that before Providence does. : '''Rex:''' But-- My goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Focus, Rex. We've got work to do. : '''Rex:''' Nice work! : '''Agent Six:''' Drop in the bucket. Look below. : '''Rex:''' Wow. And I thought I'd be able to knock off early today. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' On the contrary, Rex. By overlaying current worldwide wind patterns on top of international population centers, we're looking at total global infestation within thirty-eight hours. : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, that's a lot of roughage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I need to get in the field and obtain some live samples. Bobo and I will meet you at the rendezvous point in the mobile command center. : '''Rex:''' Okay, doc. We're almost there. Hey! It's that girl! Wh-o-o-o-oa! : '''Agent Six:''' What's gotten into you, Rex? : '''Rex:''' My goggles-- I can't see without them! : '''Agent Six:''' Obviously, you can see without them. : '''Rex:''' Well, yeah, but I really need them a lot of the time. Don't you remember when I first got them? : '''Agent Six:''' Actually, no. : '''Rex:''' Oh. Sorry. My bad. It was early on, when I was just learning to control my powers. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Aaaah! Aah! Aaaaah! Oof! : '''Agent Six:''' Horse manure. : '''Rex:''' This is exactly why I need my goggles! Hey! I thought this thing was just a sprout! : '''Agent Six:''' It's the nature of plants to grow. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Very Zen of you, Six. Well, it's the nature of me to kick EVO butt! Whoa! Oof! Yuck! This stuff really stinks! : '''Agent Six:''' All yours. : '''Rex:''' Ta-da! And for my next trick... Oh, and look who's late to the party. : '''Black Knight:''' ''[Entering]'' Alpha team, I want you to lay down suppressive fire and-- : ''[Realizing the EVOs not there]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Belay that. Sit Ops, I was told we had a Class-Three EVO situation here. Where is the EVO? : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex hands her flowers]'' Sorry. This is all that's left. Six, are we good here? I've got to run. : '''Agent Six:''' I'd put those in water. : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Rex:''' Slow down! I just want to-- Ungh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? What?! No way! Hey! You've got my-- Ugh! Whoa! ...Goggles. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got bigger problems than a girl on a scooter, Rex. First a flower shop, then gardening supplies. It's getting hungrier. Gentlemen, I suggest you get to the sewage-treatment plant as quickly as possible. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Why? : '''Agent Six:''' Fertilizer, Rex, as in if those sprouts chow down on that much raw nourishment, we're in some deep... : ''[Plant EVO bursts through a nearby wall]'' : '''Rex:''' ...Horse maneure. Hungry? Eat this! : '''Agent Six:''' Holiday, get to the sewage plant. We'll meet you there after we clean up. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Clean up? I'd rather make a mess! Shoulda brought my chainsaw. : '''Agent Six:''' Shoot the seedlings! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, this time I'm going to-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Wait! Aw, man! Back off! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Bobo:''' You went a little nuts there, buddy. I like it! But... Goggles? : '''Rex:''' That EVO interrupted before I could finish the story. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Agent Six:''' Here, kid. Try these on. : '''Rex:''' Um, so I can look like a total doofus? : '''Agent Six:''' You have no idea how unique these goggles are, Rex. A reclusive weaponsmith in Zurich crafted this single pair before he turned EVO. : '''Rex:''' Really? And then what happened to him? : '''Agent Six:''' I did. He won't be crafting any more goggles. : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Agent Six:''' These are one-of-a-kind, Rex-- Special, for you. : '''Bobo:''' What a bunch of chimp chips! Those goggles are-- Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Wow. That is a lot of rampaging EVO. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. Lucky holiday-- She's right in the thick of it. : '''Rex:''' Lucky? : '''Bobo:''' She gets to try out all the special modifications I made to that sweet ride. : ''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Plant EVO has Holiday trapped inside the Mobile Command Center]'' Okay. Let's see how you like 10,000 volts of-- : ''[Holiday presses a button, and music starts playing]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo's mix tape?! Who puts the stereo next to the weapons system?! One more time-- Big red button. Always go for the big red button. Unless you don't want to drain the batteries to zero. : ''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo, your improvements could use some improvements. Rex, if you're not too busy, I'd appreciate a little assistance. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, ain't that your girlfriend? : '''Agent Six:''' She can take care of herself, right, Rex? : '''Rex:''' Right-- For now. : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's more like it. Ungh! Fine! Let's see how you like this! I don't know what you just did, Rex, but thanks. Rex? : '''Black Knight:''' I admit our last encounter didn't end well, but I think we need to work together on this one. : '''Rex:''' You want to work together? We left Providence, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex-- : '''Rex:''' What happened to "stay out of my way"? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' So now when you need somebody to take out your trash, you can just forget that I quit your crummy organization? : '''Black Knight:''' Yes, Rex, I can, because I don't let my emotions guide my choices. I only want what's best for Providence-- And the world. : '''Rex:''' Okay, cool. Just wanted to hear you say it. Aah! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, the EVO is too big to cure without getting to its core. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, I'm not doing much good out here! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All those vines, the seedlings, everything-- They're just puppets to the plant. Stop those nanites in the core, and you cut the strings. : '''Rex:''' On it! Huh?! : '''Agent Six:''' Watch it, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! All I want are my goggles. All I've wanted all day are my goggles, and this EVOs been blocking me over and over! Hey, Bobo, you know how to shoot one of these? : '''Bobo:''' Eh, how hard could it be? : '''Rex:''' Load me into this thing and point it right at that EVO's sweet spot. And hurry. I got better stuff to do. : '''Bobo:''' You do know that's 30,000 gallons of raw sewage you're aimin' at? : '''Rex:''' Don't remind me. Oh... Yuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! : '''Agent Six:''' Elegant solution, Rex. : '''Bobo:''' You don't smell elegant. You stink worse than me. I'm a little jealous. : '''Black Knight:''' All right, Rex. Get to work. : '''Rex:''' Work? What do you mean? I just served that vegetable! : '''Black Knight:''' You cut the strings, but you still have to fix the puppets. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' She's right, Rex. : '''Black Knight:''' You want to cure the world? Start curing. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa, man, I'm beat! I don't think I can move another inch if you paid me. : ''[Goggle girl rides past him]'' : '''Rex:''' Gotta move! See ya! Hey! Stop for a second! Six, I'm really starting to think this girl's got some kind of EVO action going on-- Teleporter, speedster, something. : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Six, she's not just a teleporter. She can make doubles of herself-- Multiple abilities! She's an EVO, like me! : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the skeevy guy who's been chasing me. He was chasing me, too. And me. What do you want? : '''Rex:''' You took my goggles! I want them back! : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey, Einstein, did you see our logo? That stands for "Goggle Girl", as in the delivery service. You haven't ever heard of us? : '''Rex:''' Um... No. : '''Goggle girl:''' "Nothing is cuter than a girl on a scooter." Kind of hard to miss. : ''[Goggle girl groans]'' : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the worst slogan ever. : '''Rex:''' But-- But my goggles! : '''Goggle girl:''' Part of our costume. The boss buys them in bulk, along with these cheesy wigs he makes us wear. It's kind of lame. : '''Rex:''' In bulk?! Those goggles?! But... They're one-of-a-kind! They're special! They're-- They're... I'll just go now. Nope. Nope. Definitely not. : '''Agent Six:''' I still don't know why those goggles were so important to you. : '''Rex:''' You gave to me, Six. It was the first present, the first nice thing that I remember getting since you found me. You said they were special, and that made me feel special. : '''Six:''' Yes, about those goggles... Apparently, according to Bobo, I may have misled you. There was dozens of them in the Providence service bay. : '''Rex:''' I knew the story was fake, but you told it because you cared about me. That's what made them special. : '''Agent Six:''' I see. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, champ. You got a package. : '''Goggle girl:''' Sign, please. : '''Agent Six:''' It's for you. From us. Just open it. : '''Rex:''' My goggles! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Better. We commissioned an enhanced version. : '''Rex:''' Cool! Infrared... Microscopic... Nanovision?! Thanks, you guys. You really are one-of-a-kind. : '''Bobo:''' Those are great, but these are me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need to hold on to them for a few more hours while I run a full diagnostic. : '''Rex:''' A few hours?! I just got them! Aw! : '''Bobo:''' Here-- Because I care. : '''Goggle girl:''' They actually look kinda cute. : '''Rex:''' Hey, doc! No rush! : '''Bobo:''' Ain't love grand? ===Black and White=== : '''Calan:''' Be advised, we've got activity. Major activity. Stop right there, or we'll shoot! Don't make me do it. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''Calan:''' Calan to command, tell Black Knight-- We have apprehended the intruders. Repeat, we got'em. : '''Rex:''' No! Get out of my head! Stop it! Stop! Stop with the talking! A dream. Oh, thank you! For a second, I swore that I heard his voice. It was almost like he was in the-- Room. Huh?! : '''White Knight:''' I was wondering if I was gonna have to send the monkey in with a bucket of water. But I thought, "why should he have all the fun?" Five minutes-- Situation room. Consider this your wake-up call. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you supposed to be playing dead? You're lucky Black Knight doesn't know you're here. : '''White Knight:''' Black Knight thinks what I want her to think. With the installation of the new regime, I suspected that there was more going on at providence than just this new control protocol. I decided to test my hypothesis. I needed time to operate freely without prying eyes. So I went off the grid. : '''Rex:''' And from the smell of it, you haven't changed out of your suit since then. : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''White Knight:''' I've been busy. I've been tracking their operations. They involve familiar locales and even more familiar machinery. : '''Rex:''' You still use a camera with film? Do they even make that stuff anymore? : '''White Knight:''' What they don't make are machines like these. This is the wreckage of Rylander's lab. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Are they doing what I think they're doing? : '''Rex:''' Do what? : '''White Knight:''' It appears that this new Providence is restarting the nanite program. : '''Rex:''' There is no way my brother would help restart something that nearly destroyed the world. There's got to be a good explanation. We should just ask him. : '''White Knight:''' We can't risk direct contact. We need to infiltrate Providence, download her computer banks, and assess how far along they are before we take any other actions. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over there. : '''Rex:''' Just saying there's more here than meets the eye. Whoa! : '''Six:''' Breaking into Providence? That's a big move, even for you. Black Knight is sure to have enhanced the security systems. We may be able to breach the perimeter defenses, but once inside, we'd be blind targets. : '''White Knight:''' You'd be right if we were playing on her board. : '''Six:''' Forgive me for doubting you. : '''Rex:''' Okay, is someone gonna tell me what these are for? This is so not going to work. : '''Six:''' Trust the plan. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, so, maybe they worked. But how'd you get them to do it on cue? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All a matter of timing. Assuming we get past the outer perimeter, securing the data is a completely different story. Providence encrypts all data. We need to disable multiple units before we can download anything off the mainframe. Doing that undetected is ''[sighs]'' insane. : '''Rex:''' Finally, a voice of reason. I'm calling my brother. Took the lady with three phds to realize what I've been saying all along is right. Hey, that costs money! I'm over my minutes! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you... This is... : '''Six:''' Doable. : '''Rex:''' Do what? What is that? A secret passage. : '''White Knight:''' When they built the tower, I had them install, these-- Upper-management corridors. : '''Six:''' In the old days, they called passages like these the king's road. : '''White Knight:''' From here, we face some unknowns. Stick to the plan. Or we could die. : '''Rex:''' What?! Me?! What about you?! Part of the plan was to do this quietly. : '''Calan:''' Stop right there, or we'll shoot! : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Here we go. Ok, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''White Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. : ''[Calan laughs]'' : '''Calan:''' Welcome back, sir. We've been waiting for you. : '''Rex:''' Que, huh? : '''Calan:''' Sorry for the scare, Rex. We couldn't guarantee the Black Knight wasn't taper our communications. It was best to keep radio silence. In any case-- Say hello to your man on the inside. He've got a bomb! All units, fall back, fall back! Captain Calan, do you copy? Report. : '''White Knight:''' Ready for a repeate performance? : '''Calan:''' Ready when you are, sir. Good luck, everyone. They're headed for the... petting zoo. : '''Holiday:''' Here it is. Just like he said. : '''White Knight:''' This is the Hive. The central nervous system of the entire complex. An electric field protects the inner chambers. We'll need the circuit bandage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I've got an idea, but you'll have to go in partially naked. We've got eyes everywhere. : '''Six:''' Good. Knight and I will handle the encryption towers. You know what to do with this. : '''Rex:''' No sweat. I'm on it. Just have to make one quick detour. Bro? You in here? Oh, no. No, no, no! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, is that you? What brings you here? : ''[Six groans]'' : '''Six:''' Partially naked. Tower one clear. Proceed to next phase. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Got it. Redirecting the data flow now. : '''Calan:''' Anyone hear for the monkey? : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Bobo:''' Offical pet desk. Keep your distance. : '''Rex:''' Is that Dr. Rylander? : '''Caesar:''' It is. Well, almost. After you brought back Van Kleiss, I couldn't help but to wonder if perhaps I might do the same for him. Unfortunately, Van Kleiss was already great in tune the nanites. As you can see, Dr. Rylander-- wasn't. : '''Rex:''' Ok, whatever. Listen, I'm here on a secret mission. : '''Caesar:''' Secret? : '''Rex:''' White Knight said-- : '''Caesar:''' White Knight is alive? : '''Rex:''' If you can call him that. Anyway, he says... you might wanna sit down for this part? That Black Knight is restarting the nanite program. Don't you think that's messed up? : '''Caesar:''' On the contrary. I'm in charge of it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Commencing download in T-2 minutes. White Knight has infiltrated sector three. You're right. They are monitoring our movements. How did you know? : '''White Knight:''' It's what I would do. Now start evac protocols. : '''Black Knight:''' I've torn this facility apart looking for that? When I found it, I still couldn't get to it. Bio-feed security system-- Clever. You have to be nanite-free to open it. I guessed you weren't dead. I knew if I let enough info leak about what we're doing here, you've showed up, eventually. I'll take it. : '''White Knight:''' You can try. : '''Black Knight:''' What ever you say. You were the boss. : '''White Knight:''' That's not a providence toy. : '''Black Knight:''' A woman is entitled her secrets. Especially when those secrets keep me alive. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''White Knight:''' Ohh! What I could've done with you if I hired you first. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't fool yourself, White. : '''White Knight:''' Ohh, ohh, ohh! : '''Black Knight:''' You were bandage at best. the Consortium knew that you weren't the leader for the future. Stand down, old man! : '''White Knight:''' I've got a few secrets of my own, kid. After all, this was my office. Consortium or not, it will be again. : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be advised, they're on to us. Making for the rendezvous. : '''Six:''' I'll take my swords back now. Please. : '''Rex:''' What are you doing, helping Black Knight? She's obviously the more psycho of the two knights. : '''Caesar:''' I'm not helping the Black Knight do anything. I'm trying to fix things. The day everything changed. We never imagined what would happen when we released the nanites. : '''Rex:''' Release them?! You caused the nanite event?! : '''Caesar:''' It was the only way we were going to save the world. : '''Rex:''' You unleashed the worst man-made disaster the world has ever seen!! You've ruined countless lives!! How can you say that you saved anything?! : '''Caesar:''' You weren't there... not in any way that mattered! If we hadn't-- : '''Rex:''' Hold that thought. Here, doggy, doggy. : '''Six:''' Excessive? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Sweet, actually. Now you're overdoing it. : '''White Knight:''' ''[panting]'' Are we finished here? ''[screams]'' Careful, Black. Your council wouldn't be too pleased if you destroyed the very thing you're after. : '''Black Knight:''' If doesn't have to be like this, White! The Consortium may have lost faith in you, but you know my methods are right. Come back. Under my protection, who knows? There may even be a promotion in it for you. : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' I am going to stop the Consortium. If you or Providence gets in my way, this tape goes public. : '''Black Knight:''' Wait! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stop! You're destroying my work! : '''Rex:''' Your work is done! And so are we! I got it. Time to blow this-- : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. Face it, kiddo... today is not your day. : '''Rex:''' Actually, today's wednesday, and wednesday means fiesta night at the cafeteria. Getting in is going to be cake... very dangerous cake. Any bright ideas on how we're getting out? : '''Bobo:''' I got one word for you, kid-- Plumbing. : '''Rex:''' I got it. Time to blow this... : '''Bobo:''' Taco stand. : '''White Knight:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Me and Van Gogh, unappreciated in our time. : '''Rex:''' All of that-- Was for that?! I got nanites, billions of 'em. : '''White Knight:''' Not like this one, Rex. This is a Meta Nanite. One of several. Hardwired into its design is a program for the original Dominion Code. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Dominion Code? I thought that was a myth. : '''White Knight:''' I can assure you, doctor, it is very real. Each one gives its host control over different building blocks of the universe- matter, antimatter, elemental, space, time, reality. With the complete code, you can control them. And through them, you control ''everything''. In sort, it's the God Code. : '''Rex:''' The Consortium want to be...gods? : '''White Knight:''' If it wasn't for the original Nanite Event scattering the Metas across the globe, they may have already succeeded. The situation has changed, people. Black Knight has been searching the globe for the other Meta-Nanites. She needs them all to complete the Master Program. As long as we're keeping her secret, she'll hold off. But sooner or later, she'll be coming for this with the full power of Providence and the Consortium at her back. So... if you want to move on, forget what I've told you. : '''Rex:''' You're not getting rid of us that easily, old man. My parents died for this. Black Knight wants war, war she gets. ===Deadzone=== : '''Holiday:''' "You cannot let him out of your sight, Rex. Don't you see why Black Knight wants him? He's the ultimate insurance against any E.V.O." : '''Rex:''' "Not just any. Me." <hr width80%> : '''Black Knight:''' "Since the search for Feakins is going nowhere, we have no choice but to become much more aggressive with Rex." ===Assault on Abysus=== : '''Diane Farrah:''' Through research and hard work, Providence has turned the curse of the EVO into a blessing. One that will serve mankind. Science and compassion have created a new future for all EVOs. A future filled with happiness and hope. : '''Black Pawn:''' You? Seen some EVOs pass through here? <hr width80%> *Rex and Circe finally admit their true feelings for one another. Unfortunately, there was not enough episodes to explore their romance further. <hr width80%> : ''[Somewhere in [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong, China]]'']'' : '''Circe:''' Okay. They're gone. : '''Skywwd:''' For now. Get out of here, Circe. Run! : '''Circe:''' I'm not leaving you guys. : '''Skywwd:''' You can pass as human. Go-- Before Providence gets you too. : '''Black Pawn:''' The girl! She's with them! : '''Skwwyd:''' Run! : '''Rex:''' Hmm? What's up? : '''Circe:''' You're the only person I could turn to. : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' I don't know. That's the hardest part. : '''Rex:''' You did what you had to do. : '''Circe:''' I left them there, Rex. Our friends. Providence has to be stopped. Someone needs to do something. : '''Rex:''' ''[puts his arms around Circe to comfort her]'' We are. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Am I disturbing you two? : '''Rex:''' No. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight wants to talk with you. : '''Rex:''' Ugh. What's he gonna yell at me for this time? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No, I meant Circe. He wants to talk to her. : '''Circe:''' Providence has been hunting these down, too? : '''White Knight:''' You didn't tell her about them, Rex? : '''Rex:''' I thought the Master Control Nanites were supposed to be top secret. : '''White Knight:''' She has to know if she's going to lead the mission. : '''Rex:''' Her? That was supposed to be my mission. : '''White Knight:''' It's no one's mission. It's about getting the job done. : '''Circe:''' Why me? : '''White Knight:''' Intelligence indicates that Providence has targeted a Master Control Nanite in Abysus. In Van Kleiss' old castle, to be more precise. You're the only one with the knowledge to get us in there. : '''Rex:''' I've been there before. How hard could it be? Circe, you don't have to. : '''Circe:''' If it helps stop Black Knight in Providence, I'm in. : '''Rex:''' Okay, Doc. We made it. The new power suit gave me more range, just like you said. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Circe:''' Thanks, Banak. We're trying to keep a low profile. Don't tell anyone, okay? : '''Rex:''' Good thing you knew the secret whistle or we might have been rooting around forever. : ''[Rex chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Get it? "Root"? Uh... This can't be easy coming back here. I owe you. : '''Circe:''' Forget it. We're even. I used you in the past, now you and your friends are using me. : '''Rex:''' Is there some sort of problem between you and me? : '''Circe:''' There's nothing between you and me. Just the mission. I don't have good memories of this place. Let's just leave it at that, okay? : '''Rex:''' Fine. I'm surprised we haven't run into-- Ugh! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Traitor! Stop her! : '''Circe:''' Aah! : '''Rex:''' Can you chill?! There's no time for this. Who's leading you now that Van Kleiss is gone? I need to speak to your leader. Figures. Biowolf, we have a problem. And... I need your help. : '''Biowulf:''' I will listen. : '''Rex:''' Great, because-- : '''Biowulf:''' Only after you. earn the right-- Through combat. : ''[Biowulf growls]'' : ''[Rex spits]'' : '''Rex:''' At least Van Kleiss was civilized. Buckle up, dog boy. : '''Biowulf:''' You may speak. This nanite you want-- It's not here. None of us have seen it up in the castle or the blast source. : '''Rex:''' I didn't say up. It's down. White Knight thinks it's under the castle. Some other secure lab area. : '''Biowulf:''' The primary chamber? : '''Circe:''' It's under the castle? Van Kleiss always said it was forbidden for us to go there. : '''Rex:''' You think he remembered to tell Black Knight that? Let me take it out of here. : '''Biowulf:''' No! You're a traitor to your own kind. A lapdog to these humans. I've heard enough! : '''Rex:''' All of us will fall-- All EVOs-- If she gets it. Black Knight is worse than you know. If I don't get the nanite out of here, Providence will take it. : '''Biowulf:''' Providence! This is Abysus, the heart of the EVO world. Providence wouldn't dare. : '''Circe:''' The sentries have spotted something. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I wonder who. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Black Knight, the assault forces are in place. : '''Black Knight:''' The field is yours. We've secured the borders. No chance White Knight and his team will get in the country to interfere. : '''Biowulf:''' The castle is surrounded. : '''Rex:''' Standard operating procedure for Providence is to secure the perimeter, then close for attack. Black Knight will have snuck forces around back. : '''Skalamander:''' How should we counter? : '''Rex:''' Easy. : '''Biowulf:''' You take your nanite. I'll decide how to deal with the invaders. : '''Black Pawn:''' Deploy the collars. Rise. Forward. Attack. : '''Rex:''' The nanite event blew away half the castle. This must have been deep enough to survive it. Huh? You hear that? : '''Circe:''' No. Hear what? : '''Rex:''' Uh... Nothing. This place would make a great rec room. Maybe a karaoke machine over there-- : '''Circe:''' Van Kleiss would send volunteers down here to try and get in. None of them ever came back. : '''Rex:''' Well... That's encouraging. : '''Circe:''' What is it? : '''Rex:''' They're... I-I think they're nanites. They're following our lights. They can't see in the dark. I have a plan. Lead them back. : '''Circe:''' ''[concerned]'' Rex? : '''Rex:''' When I say "roll," roll. : '''Circe:''' What?! : '''Rex:''' Roll! Circe, sing! : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic blasts on the EVOs and beams at Rex.]'' : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' We always made a good team. : '''Circe:''' It won't hold them long. : '''Rex:''' You think this is why Van Kleiss always wanted me-- So I could get him in here? : '''Biowulf:''' Providence has breached the castle. We can't hold our position much longer. : '''Rex:''' Go. I'll get the Master-Control Nanite. ''[Notices how worried Circe is about him probably not returning]'' This isn't Hong Kong. I'll be okay. I'll meet up with you soon. : '''Biowulf:''' They've turned our own people against us. : '''Circe:''' Let me see what I can do. : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic bursts on several collared EVOs]''. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : ''[Circe gasping]'' : '''Circe:''' So many. : '''Biowulf:''' You can't stop the ones they've collared. : '''Circe:''' I can go down trying. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Her sonics are disrupting the offensive. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Hyah! Unh! : '''Biowulf:''' If we can't defeat them, we'll take down as many as we can fighting. : '''Circe:''' This isn't one battle. It's a war. And we can't let it end here before Rex has the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Biowulf:''' What, then? : '''Circe:''' Tactical retreat. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh. Dad. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Outer rooms of the castle secured. : '''Black Pawn:''' I don't need you here, Black Knight. It's only a matter of time. We will take the castle piece by piece. : ''[Skalamander growling]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' You are ours now. Down. : ''[Skalamander grunting]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Rex is here. He will make you bow to us! : '''Black Knight:''' This is all a diversion. Find Rex before he gets the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Black Pawn:''' Yes, Ma'am. : '''Black Knight:''' Either you do it or I will. I'm on my way. : '''Rex:''' This place... Rylander had the same type of lab. : '''Soldier:''' Security system engaged. : '''Rex:''' No! : '''Soldier:''' Intruder. Provide authorized identity or be terminated. Identify. Identify. Identify. Identify. : '''Rex:''' Aah! I'm Rex! Rex Salazar! : '''Soldier:''' Salazar genetype-- Accepted. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' There you are, you little troublemaker. You're coming home with the good guys. Uhh. Weird. Uh... I don't suppose you're looking for the karaoke machine? Running into you-- What a coincidence. Come down here a lot? Whoa! Missed me. : '''Black Pawn:''' I have the nanite. Keep the boy busy while I get it to Black Knight. : '''Rex:''' No! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' You two sure know how to make an entrance. : '''Circe:''' The others are getting hammered by Provindence. They're barely holding them off in the dungeon. : '''Rex:''' Gee! Van Kleiss has a dungeon. What a surprise. : '''Biowulf:''' This is no joke. They might die because I came down here to save you. : '''Rex:''' I won't let them get taken. I promise you that. But I need you to let me call the shots. : ''[Biowulf sighs]'' : '''Biowulf:''' Very well. : '''Rex:''' Circ, dungeon left or right? : '''Circe:''' Left. The dungeon's the other way. : '''Rex:''' I'm not looking for the dungeon. I'm looking for the scouts. : '''Black Pawn:''' Nothing. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe a little something. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' Scouts. Classic Providence tactics-- So they don't get ambushed. Uhh. What is this place? : '''Biowulf:''' The old reservoir. It goes to the river. : '''Rex:''' Perfect. ''[deep voice]'' Scout to command. West wing, reservoir-- We've found a back way onto what must be the main EVO force. It's five times the size of what you're fighting. : '''Black Pawn:''' Roger, scout. All forces, withdraw from dungeon siege. Report to west wing, reservoir. Ambush maneuver lambda. : '''Rex:''' ''[normal voice]'' Get your troops. It's bath time. : '''Biowulf:''' Now you bow to Rex! : '''Rex:''' The Providence goons are contained, Biowulf. They shouldn't be any more trouble. And I got the Master-Control Nanite. Looks like mission accomplished. : '''Circe:''' Rex, I-- : ''[She and Rex cling to each other as the castle begins shaking.]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Rex, order your friends to surrender. You're all under Providence custody. I always knew it might be impossible to capture the Master-Control Nanite in the heart of the nanite infestation. So the solution was to remove it. : '''Circe:''' It's Hong Kong all over again. : '''Rex:''' No. We can fight. We'll double back and-- A-and then-- : '''Biowulf:''' Go! Get the nanite out of here! : '''Rex:''' No! I promised you! : '''Biowulf:''' You were right. That nanite is more important than anyone here. Including myself. I am the leader. I give the orders. Run! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex:''' They were counting on me. I don't want to leave them. : '''Circe:''' I did what I had to do. You do what you have to. I want you to know, all this was never about me just using you. : ''[Circe gasps]'' : ''[Finally admits her true romantic feelings for Rex in the form of a passionate kiss. She then pushes a shocked Rex off the ledge, so he could escape; and her getting collared and captured in his stead. She smiled with tears in her eyes, with the promise that she would be okay.]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[burdened by Circe admitting her intense love for him and sacrifice]'' We all make sacrifices for the things we care about-- The people we love. But when the stakes are this high, who can we trust? What would that power do to anyone who had it? They attacked Abysus. What's stopping them from attacking us for these nanites? : '''White Knight:''' They will-- Sooner or later. That's why I want to turn the tables on them first. : '''Rex:''' You know how to do that so we survive in one piece? : '''White Knight:''' Not yet. ===Remote Control=== : '''Bobo:''' Providence goons are thick as fleas tonight, and I know fleas. : '''Rex:''' We're gonna be late if we have to keep sneaking around. : '''Bobo:''' After you. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex must have bailed on us-- Again. : '''Cricket:''' He would never do that, Skwydd. And besides, he dad to fly all the way to Honk Kong on his own. Give him some time. : '''Tuck:''' He's here! Everything okay, Rex? : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Cricket, Tuck, this way! : ''[Skwydd grunts]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Ow. Yeah, I think I'll stick to ink. : '''Cricket:''' We need to find Rex. : '''Skwydd:''' He was supposed to find us. : '''Tuck:''' How are we gonna-- : '''Quarry:''' Wrong. They'll be coming with me. Anybody got a problem with that? : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? : '''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah, they were here. This came out of Skwydd. Mm. : '''Rex:''' Ew! If those Providence goons hurt them, I'm gonna-- : '''Bobo:''' What do you say you use a little of that aggression and get some answers, champ? : '''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends? Quarry? : '''Cricket:''' If you think we're going to thank you for getting us out of there, Quarry. : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : '''Quarry:''' I think you're going to do exactly as I say. : ''[Activates the mind-control collar on her neck]'' : '''Cricket:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Occupied Hong Kong-- What a dump! Where to, chief? : '''Rex:''' I have no idea. How did he get away from Van Kleiss? How is he even alive? : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's cool. We're not going to hurt you. What's Providence turned into? This whole city is living in fear. : '''Bobo:''' Well, we ain't gonna find my answers in this alley. I got a guide book. Ooh! A coupon for all-you-can-eat dim sum. What? A chimp's gotta eat. : '''Rex:''' Okay, let's go. But keep moving. Maybe we'll turn up a clue. : '''Bobo:''' Aw, this just breaks my heart. All that grub and no one to eat it. : '''Monster EVO:''' Can you help a fellow EVO who's down on his luck? : '''Rex:''' I can do better than that. Let me take care of this for you. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! : '''Bobo:''' I wanna order some chow to go. Give me some of those chicken feet, and give me the beaks, too. : '''Rex:''' I thought that collar was supposed to make you mellow! What? Now you know Kung Fu? I don't have time for this. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, buddy. It looked like you could use some-- Hey, where'd the charity case go? : '''Rex:''' He had to leave suddenly. All yours. I need some time to think. : '''Bobo:''' More for me! Go off and think your brains out, pal. You know where to find me. Ah, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, my beak-dealing chum. And speaking of chum-- : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''Bobo:''' Do I detect the delightful aroma of fish heads? <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Cricket, it's me! Rex! Used to a crush on me?! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Let them go. They'll lead us straight to Quarry. : '''Cricket:''' "Used to have a crush"? <hr width80%> : '''Cricket:''' You know how collared EVOs follow kind of like a robot. with these collars, it's worse. It's like you're a remote-controlled robot. : '''Rex:''' That is a nasty hack. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Your friends are very valuable to me as are you. : '''Rex:''' Like the new look- strapping. : '''Quarry:''' Let's just say I had to find a way to "keep it together" after my visit to Abyuss. Just one more thing you owe me for and you know how much I like a balanced book. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' You'll be the crown jewel of my EVO army, Rex. I may just make you my own personal slave. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' That collar suits you, Rex. Wish I had one for you back in the old days. Would've saved me a lot of trouble. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The arcade- all those kids. : '''Quarry:''' those brats were born to play games, which is what they think their doing. And I have your people to thank for the tech. That brother of yours is quite the wiz kid. : '''Rex:''' Caesar would never-- : '''Cricket:''' Forget about Caesar, Rex! You know what you got to do! : '''Rex:''' These guys will shred you if I leave! : '''Tuck:''' We got this, Rex! Go! <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Consider the fact that you made me like this while I'm crushing you. ===A Brief History of Time=== : '''Van Kleiss:''' 4.000 years from my destination, and I've run out of of time. I've scarcely completed the vessel which shall deliver me to my own era. Gharun-Set, activate the traps-- Quickly! My greatest creation-- So useful to me, but too dangerous to roam free. If only I had time to destroy him, as I should. But I have a more pressing death I must prevent. My own. AAAAAAAAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Kind of defeating the whole stealth element of a stealth suit, Bobo. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, now was I supposed to know that ghanoush went bad? : '''Rex:''' Maybe because you found it in a garbage can. : '''Bobo:''' On top of a garbage can. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to Rex. Are you at the site? : '''Rex:''' There is not site, remember? Black Knight blew the pace to kingdom come. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Yet it's still guarded. And thanks to the data you stole from Providence, we know why. : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss back in time? I still find it hard to believe. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You were sent six months into the future, Rex. It stands to reason that the reverse is possible. : '''Rex:''' Well, if you expect to find him here, maybe we should check the mummy museum. We're sensing nanites-- Definitely V.K.'s. They've been dead a long time. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over 4,000 years. I'm also detecting tachyons-- Quantum particles that travel in time. I think it's clear what he was making. : '''Bobo:''' A latrine? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' A time machine. : '''Rex:''' No way he pulled it off! If mister ego made it back to here and now, we'd know about it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Some of these nanites are considerably younger. That means he was there in two different time periods. : '''Rex:''' Time travel gives me a headache. Just tell me-- Where is he now? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The more accurate question is, when is he? : '''Van Kleiss:''' AAAAAAH! : ''[Van Kleiss gasping]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! The ordeal is... draining. But now, back in my own time, I can replenish my nanite reserves and-- : '''Gladiator #1:''' Quis es tu? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I recognize the language, of course-- Classical latin. Qui-- Q-Qui annus est? : '''Gladiator #1:''' What year is it? You dare question a captain of the imperial guard? Aegyptus is a roman Providence! Answer! Who are you? : '''Gladiator #2:''' Don't bother-- He's clearly sun-mad. : '''Van Kleiss:''' The dialect, the dress-- This is the second century A.D. A mere 2,000 years has passed. I'm only halfway home! : '''Gladiator #1:''' Another escaped slave. Finish him and be done with it. : ''[Gladiator #2 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It was all the fight I could muster. I had no way to replace the nanites I'd spent in the journey, and my gauntlet had yet to recharge those that remained. : '''Gladiator #2:''' This one shows spirit. He'll bring a good price in the arena. : '''Van Kleiss:''' OOMPH! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #2:''' Save your strength. : '''Gladiator #3:''' Where you're going, you'll need it. : ''[Van Kleiss slurps]'' : ''[Van Kleiss gulps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I intend to. Of the mysterious force, there is no sign. Yet I sense it is close-- Pursuing me even across the centuries. I am convinced it is a manifestation of time itself. My presence is a violation of physics-- An imbalance which the time stream seeks to correct... By wiping me from existence. But of this, I am certain-- If I do not return to my own time, it will surely destroy me. : '''Gladiator #1:''' You are fortunate, slave. To die in the arena is a great honor. : '''Van Kleiss:''' An honor I look forward to bestowing. : ''[Gladiator #1 laughs]'' : '''Gladiator #1:''' You see? Spirit! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' Put on a good show, little man, and I promise to make your end a painless one. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Indeed? : ''[Gladiator #3 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I, on the other hand, make no such promise. : ''[Gladiator #3 grunting]'' : ''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Gladiator #3 groans]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' One against so many? Hardly seems fair. For them. : '''Gladiator #4:''' ARRRGHHHH! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ordinarily, I'd say "take me to your leader," but I believe he's already here. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great warrior... Never have I seen such a battle. I am... : '''Van Kleiss:''' Septimius Severus, 21st emperor of Rome, founder of the severan dynasty. And, as I recall, you poisoned your own commanding officer to get his position... And wear only boots to conceal a prodigious clubfoot. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Are you a man... Or a God? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I find both labels rather limiting. Now, then, you are going to give me whatever I require, starting with a quiet place to work. I, in return, shall ensure the growth and security of your reign as emperor. You may call me Van Kleiss. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Whatever your desire, great Vanklios. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, it's... Got a rather nice ring. : '''Rex:''' What's with this guy? Gets a portrait done in every time period? : '''Bobo:''' Mm. ''[muffled]'' Truly a nutjob for the ages. Mm. Speaking of nuts... Want some? : '''Rex:''' You've been dumpster-diving again? : '''Bobo:''' I prefer "foraging." : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Nice sleuthing there, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Nanites decay at a measurable half-life. I set our sat-net to do a global scan for the same frequency-- Ergo, Rome. : '''Rex:''' Great. You scan for the next stop, we'll grab a pizza. : '''Bobo:''' Pass. I'm experiencing inexpicable gastric distress. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it would take months to scan the entire spectrum. You need to find the next decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Kind of like nanite connect-the-dots! Can I do it with someone else? : '''Bobo:''' Hey, quiet, you! Rah! : '''Rex:''' This goose chase just got a little wilder. My brother's here. : '''Caesar:''' Caesar to Black. We've detected paleo-nanites. Tachyon readings negative. We're moving to the next hot stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons-- They want Van Kleiss' time machine. Follow them. : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Bobo:''' Can you give me a teeny sec? I gotta find the little gladiators' room. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Advances in the last two millenia have allowed me to complete my lab in weeks instead of months. Restrict the flow! Do you want to overload the power cells? Meanwhile, my own nanite supply continues to dwindle. : ''[Septimius Severus panting]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great Vanklios, protect me! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I've divulged metallurgy and tactics beyond your day. No man may threaten your rule. : '''Septimius Severus:''' This is no man-- But an apparition! : ''[Septimius Severus grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' What apparition? Speak, parasite! : '''Septimius Severus:''' A spirit of doom! Numerous sightings-- The insulare, the rostra, the forum. Listen! It comes! It comes! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Fool. It only wants me. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Ugh! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I release you. Go start a few legends. : '''Septimius Severus:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOO! : ''[Septimius Severus gasps]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Be gone! I beg of you! Aah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, those stress lines-- It's the same pattern we saw in Egypt. : '''Black Knight:''' Report. : '''Caesar:''' These aqueducts are truly marvels of roman engineering. : '''Black Knight:''' Have you picked up the next decay frequency? : '''Caesar:''' Oh-- That. Yes. Uplinking to our global net. Odd. These tachyons seems unrelated to-- : '''Black Knight:''' We have the next target. Scandinavia. Move out. White Knight may have people on the trail. I expect you to do whatever it takes to procure the objective. : '''Rex:''' Shh! : '''Caesar:''' I've initiated the same steps as in Egypt! Come along. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need that decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Just one small problem, doc. This place... is toast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? Bobo? Respond! : '''Rex:''' We're okay, doc. Not a mark on us. : '''Bobo:''' Same can't be said for my stealth suit. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex and Bobo gasps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' So many lives... It's become a blur. I don't know who I am anymore. Only that I must sail onward, ever onwoard down the river of time. Never resting, always moving. Further draining my nanite reserves beyond my ability to replenish. And each re-emergence, I am pursued by the nameless force. I now know it's personal. I am a virus-- An infection of space-time. Call it what you like. This is time's antibody. Whether I can borne home or drowned in its currents, this is my final journey. : '''Rex:''' Hurry! I'm not sure if we here followed. : '''Bobo:''' I'm sure. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Don't shoot! It's me. : '''Rex:''' Holiday? Shouldn't you be at the plant, connecting the dots? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No more dots to connect. The trail ends here. And... I'm reading a humanoid form inside. : '''Rex:''' I'm confused. Is it a time machine or isn't it? : '''Caesar:''' It's not a time machine. Are those really necessary? : '''Rex:''' No way you're getting this time machine, bro! : '''Caesar:''' I don't want it. And it's not a time machine. : '''Bobo:''' Well, then, what is it? A meat locker for cold cuts? : '''Caesar:''' Surprisingly close. We use this technique to transfer unstable nanites. It puts them into a state of dormancy. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Of course. It's a hibernation chamber. : '''Caesar:''' Only his nanites were dormant. There would still be neuron flow. : '''Rex:''' Mind telling me what that means, exactly? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He was... Aware. The whole time, for hundreds of years. : '''Caesar:''' He would have felt every minute pass. : '''Rex:''' No way! He's totally a mummy! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Run! It's coming! It's coming?! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Rex:''' Easy, easy, Van Kleiss. You're back-- Back in your own time. : '''Van Kleiss:''' No! No, it'll find me! It always does! You must protect me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyon readings off the chart! Rex, you can't affect that thing. I don't know what can. : '''Caesar:''' It's a field of pure tachyons. I've got to get a sample. : '''Rex:''' Oh, no, you don't! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I'm back! Back in my own time! You shall not have me?! OHHHH! : '''Bobo:''' Settle down, Van Winkle. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, no. It couldn't be. I need some way to contain it! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons can't be contained! : '''Caesar:''' Yes, they can. Rex! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it's too risky! : '''Rex:''' But I know what this is. Correction-- I know who this is. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's... Breach. : '''Rex:''' Breach. Breach! It's me-- Rex. : '''Breach:''' Rex? Are you real... Or a dream? : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm real. : '''Breach:''' I was everywhere-- Everywhen. But I was nothing-- An emptiness, needing to be filled. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The amp pack. Van Kleiss controlled it. When his nanites were active, Breach was drawn into his timeframe. : ''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' The final joining would have destroyed them both. : '''Breach:''' Guess I should say thanks. : '''Rex:''' Hey, what are friends for? Um, we are still friends... Right? : '''Caesar:''' You did well, little bro. : '''Rex:''' And you have your time machine that... isn't a time machine. Everybody goes home happy. : '''Caesar:''' That? A curiosity-- True. But it was never our goal. : ''[Van Kleiss shivering]'' : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss?! All this for him? what, they're gonna put him in jail? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's Providence, Rex. That's their jurisdiction. : '''Caesar:''' No need to worry, little brother. He's going to be well supervised. : '''Rex:''' Caesar, what is going on!? : '''Caesar:''' Justice. : '''Bobo:''' Two words-- Crème Brûlée. Ooh. Right after I make a french connection. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Welcome back, Van Kleiss. You look terrible. Ordinarily, I'd say get some rest, but you've had enough of that, I suppose. : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Pull it together. We have work to do. Do you know who I am? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I know who you are. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. ===Mind Games=== : '''Rex''': Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure of that. : '''Six''': I told you not to get involved, Rex. You're not at full strength. : '''Rex''': What was I supposed to do-- Just leave it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six has a point, Rex. You're pushed to the edge lately. You can't see everyone. : '''Rex''': Not listening! Don't worry, dude. I'll have you out of here before you can say-- Circe?! : '''Circe''': Hey, Rex. Rex! Aaaah! : ''[Circe sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex! Rex, do you read? What's going on? Your bios are low. : '''Rex''': Leave her alone! You okay? : '''Circe''': I think so. We have to go. : '''Rex''': Think that's your cue. Hang on. I think I got it. Ow! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Hate this things. : '''Circe''': Try wearing one. : '''Rex''': I have. So, what happened? I thought Providence had you at Abysus. : '''Circe''': I got away. : '''Rex''': What about the Pack? : '''Circe''': The Pack? I-- Don't know. Things are bad out there, Rex. I've been on the run for weeks. Providence has been stepping up their capture orders. I think something big is going down. : '''Rex''': Tell me about it. Listen, I know we're gonna want to say no, but with everything that's going on... : '''Circe''': I should stay at the plant. It's safer, right? : '''Rex''': Wow, that was-- Easy. I had a whole speech and everything. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Well, everything checks out. You're the picture of health. I wish you'd let me do some more thorough scans, through. : '''Six''': How was it you said you got away? : '''Circe''': It's a long story. You guys have bigger things to worry about than me... like the Meta-Nanites. Did you get the one from Abysus? Have you found anymore? : '''Rex''': Ugh, who cares? Let's go do something fun. You want to put Bobo' hand in shaving cream? : ''[Circe yawns]'' : '''Circe''': Actually, Rex, I'm kind of tired. I thing I might just crash if that's cool. : '''Rex''': Oh... yeah. Stupid of me. You, uh, get some sleep. Hey, doc. What are you doing? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. I was just... working. What are you doing up? : '''Rex''': Ah, it's... stupid. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Yeah, probably. But... go ahead. : '''Rex''': I'm... excited. Since I got breached, everything's been so crazy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Since you got breached? Right. : '''Rex''': But with Circe back, I'm starting to think maybe things will turn out okay. : '''White Knight''': I need everyone in the situation room in five minutes. : '''Rex''': So much for that. : ''[Dr. Holiday yawns]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': What'd I miss? : '''Rex''': Wow, Doc. You sure got comfy quick. : '''White Knight''': Listen up, people. We need to retrieve a valuable asset before it falls into enemy hands. : '''Six''': What's the objective? : '''White Knight''': This man... Dr. Peter Meechum. : '''Rex''': That guy? I remember him. Van crazy kiddnaped his daughter. : '''White Knight''': Meechum spent the last year at a safehouse facility... Codename: Pandora's Box... location know only to me. : '''Rex''': Why all the cloak and dagger? : '''White Knight''': Because Meechum was one of the original scientists on the Nanite Project. He was given a panic button in case of emergency. Thirty minutes ago-- He activated it. : '''Six''': Providence? : '''White Knight''': We have to assume they're trying to assemble the original members of the Nanite Project. What Meechum knows is too valuable to fall into the wrong hands, so go get him. : '''Six''': Maybe Circe should stay here. : '''Rex''': What? Why? : '''Six''': She's not on the team yet-- Not officialy. : '''White Knight''': Take her. She'll be useful in the field. : '''Rex''': Ahem. You guys forget you key? Did you check under the mat? : '''Six''': Rex, focus on the mission. Get to Meechum! : '''Rex''': Relax, Six. I could take these guys in my sleep, especially with help from... Huh? Circe? Uh... Time-out? : '''Six''': Peter Meechum, you need to come with us. : ''[Dr. Meechum scoffs]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': Took you long enough. : '''Rex''': Time in. : '''White Knight''': Still no sign of Circe, Rex. We'll keep looking, but for right now, Meechum is our top priority. : '''Dr. Holiday''': We'll find her, Rex. Don't worry. : '''White Knight''': In the meantime, Dr. Meechum, I've checked, and your daughter is safe at her boarding school in England. : '''Dr. Meechum''': My daughter. Right. : '''White Knight''': We can make immediate arrangements to take you to her. : '''Dr. Meechum''': No, I'd rather stay with you if that's all right. It's, uh-- It's safer. : '''White Knight''': Of course. White Knight out. : '''Rex''': So, after that, Providence attacked Abysus to get the Master-Control Nanite. Guess you were next on their list. : '''Dr. Meechum''': I see. And all this happened in the last year? : '''Six''': You've missed a lot since you've been away, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Horrible. I could never work for a Providence like that. I have to say it's all very impressive. Providence has certainly done a lot in the last year. : '''Caesar''': And with your help, doctor, we can do more. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Where's White Knight? I should tell him I've arrived. : '''Black Knight''': I can answer that for you. It's good to have you back, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What happened to White? : '''Black Knight''': Just a routine change in command. Nothing to worry about. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Tell me you have my money ready. : '''Black Knight''': You get away you want when I get what I want... Not before. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Relax. : '''Six''': I'm a professional, aren't I? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six, see Meechum? I have some data I'd like to go over with him. Are you... okay? : '''Six''': Rebecca, I have something important to tell you. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Okay. Well... Thanks for tell me. : '''Six''': Rex, are you in here? I do not understand this show. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Am I interrupting? : '''Six''': Not at all. What can I do for you? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Nothing important. I just wanted to say... earlier... that was nice. Unexpected but nice. : '''Six''': Earlier? : '''Dr. Holiday''': In the lab? : '''Six''': I have no idea what you're talking about. : ''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' : '''Rex''': Six, I need to talk to you about Circe. Uh... Six? Earth to agent guy. You okay? : '''Six''': I'm fine. I've just decided not to waste any more time on you, Rex. : '''Rex''': Um... Is this because I accidentaly used your swords to slice a pizza? : '''Six''': It's because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to complete the mission. : '''Rex''': Ohh, I get it. This is one of your test, right? : '''Six''': No test. Just me coming to my senses. You're not strong enough to survive what's coming. In the end, you're gonna let us all down. : ''[Dr. Holiday crying]'' : '''Rex''': Doc? What's wrong? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' I-It's nothing, Rex. I didn't want you to see me like this. : '''Rex''': Well, what is it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' It's Six. I'm afraid of him. : '''Rex''': What?! That's crazy talk. : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' Is it? You have to have seen it. He's violent, on edge. He's losing control. : '''Rex''': Are we talking about the same Six? : '''Dr. Holiday''': We don't even known him. He was a killer, Rex. The old Six might have changed, but how do we know this Six didn't come back... Wrong? : ''[Dr. Meechum whistling]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': I have a question. How do you plan to re-create the project without a bio-interface expert? : '''Caesar''': Oh, but we do have one. : '''Van Kleiss''': No! The string doesn't work. Gordian knot, tied up tight. Alexander cheated. Can't cheat. Eyes on your own paper! Peter? No! Can't be! Different time, different me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Van Kleiss? You brought back that monster? : '''Caesar''': Of course. He was the original interface programmer. Who better? : '''Dr. Meechum''': Excuse me a moment. White, what the heck is going on?! : '''White Knight''': Peter? Where are you? : '''Dr. Meechum''': I'm at Providence. Where are you? : '''White Knight''': Providence. But that's not-- I have to go. We have a problem. : '''Rex''': You're darn right we have a problem, because this isn't Peter Meechum! : ''[Dr. Meechum laughing maniacally]'' : '''Scarecrow''': Heya, Rex. Miss me? : '''Rex''': Who are you? Where's Meechum? : '''White Knight''': His name's John Scarecrow. He's an EVO, specialist in infiltration. Black Knight played us. : '''Scarecrow''': You really don't remember me, Rex? I'll give you a hint. We used to share a stomping ground. We had a problem with a shapes hifter once. : '''Rex''': You were in Hong Kong. : '''Scarecrow''': Give the man a prize. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Six''': I think he went that way. : '''Rex''': Wait a minute. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Rex''': I cannot believe I fell for that. : '''Scarecrow''': Look at you. You're ridiculous. You think he'll come to his senses, realize his true feelings? Then what? You'll settle down. White picket fence. Little agent kids. You're fooling yourself. You're the worst of them... you know that?... Because you know better. You really think you can save the world? None of you can survive what's coming! : '''Rex''': Prove it's really you. What's my favorite color? : '''Six''': I have no idea. : '''Rex''': It's you, all right. : ''[Dr. Holiday screaming]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Put it away. I'm not the EVO. : '''Six''': We heard you scream. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That wasn't me. : '''Six''': Let's all calm down. We can figure this out. : '''Rex''': Why, Six? Because I'm weak? You don't think I can handle this? : '''Six''': I never said that. : '''Rex''': But you think it, right? I don't see you putting down your guns, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday''': I know it's not me. I'm not sure about you two. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Scarecrow''': So easy. I barely had to nudge you. : '''Rex''': Whatever you're after, you're not getting away with it. : '''Scarecrow''': Get away with it?! Re-e-e-x, I got what I needed in the first five minutes. : '''Rex''': Then why? Why do all this? : '''Scarecrow''': Simple. I wanted to do to you what you did to me. : '''Rex''': I'm done with you! : ''[Scarecrow groans]'' : '''Scarecrow''': The big hero. Why do you get to forget? It's not fair! : '''Rex''': Whine, whine, whine. What... you didn't get enough crazy hugs as a kid? : '''Scarecrow''': You think I'm the only one you hurt? Then tell me-- : '''Skwydd''': What about us? Why'd you betray me? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Circe:''' You promised to protect me, Rex. Where were you? : '''Rex:''' Stop it! : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex breathing heavily]'' : '''Caesar''': Face it, bro. It's why I left you. Mom and dad, too. : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': You're your own worst enemy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That's for Rex. That's for Providence. And that was for the kiss. : '''White Knight''': Providence won this round. No question. : '''Rex''': They have the real Meechum. Maybe more. : '''Dr. Holiday''': There's no telling how much of our system Scarecrow uploaded. : '''Six''': But we have to assume they know everything we do. : ''[Scarecrow laughs evilly]'' : '''White Knight''': Black Knight is coming for us. It's just a matter of time. : '''Dr. Holiday''': So? I mean, we knew that. Nothing's changed, right? : '''Six''': Rex, this is what they wanted-- To turn us against each other. : '''Rex''': Yeah, and look how easy it was. We thought we were a team, but we're not. We're vulnerable. : '''Van Kleiss''': It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Looking past Occam's Razor, we can clearly see to a quantum level. A quantum level is what I'm trying to achieve, because if I didn't do the quantum level, then I can understand what's happening. : '''Caesar''': I know you don't like this, but it's not about us. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Can you do it? Can you control him? : '''Caesar''': Leave Van Kleiss to me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What about Black Knight? I don't like her, Salazar. Never did. : '''Caesar''': Trust me, Peter-- When we're finished, the end will justify the means. ===Hermanos=== :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-OA! Unh! Ugh! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Agent Six''': Be careful, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm touched by your concern, Six. :'''Agent Six''': It's not for you. We don't have Providence to pick up the tab anymore. You break it, you buy it. :''[Rex growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm saving the day here. What are they gonna do--Sue me? Oh, come on! It was a rhetorical question! What was I supposed to do? The whole building was made of glass! :'''Lawyer''': ''[Hispanic accent]'' Glass? What are you talking about? :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm... not talking about anything. What are you talking about? :'''Lawyer''': Mr. Salazar, I'm an associate at the stateside branch of the Argentinean firm Gomez and Gomez. And today, sir, is your lucky day! :'''Rex Salazar''': What's this? :'''Lawyer''': It's yours! :'''Noah Nixon''': No away! This is your house? :'''Rex Salazar''': I know! According to the lawyer guy, this rancho in Argentina's been in my family forever. And ever since my parents died in the event, those lawyers have been trying to track down the heir. And guess who that is. :'''Noah Nixon''': You and your brother? :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, yeah, right. Him too. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': Dude, it's never a good time, but you go to-- O...kay, so maybe this really isn't a good time, but this is important. I was being chased by a lawyer. No, I wasn't being sued this time. But you'll never guess what he-- :'''Caesar Salazar''': Is this about the rancho? :'''Rex Salazar''': You know about it? :'''Caesar Salazar''': Those lawyers have left me a dozen messages. :'''Rex Salazar''': And you didn't tell me? Caesar, I never even knew we had this place! There might be photo albums, home movies-- I don't know-- maybe even an old teddy bear or something. :'''Caesar Salazar''': You never had a teddy bear. :'''Rex Salazar''': See, the fact that you know that and I don't-- that's why we need to go down there. :'''Lawyer''': Clear! :'''Caesar Salazar''': I can't, Rex. My work's already been interrupted once today. Although... Now that you mention the ranch, it does bring back some memories. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? Like what? :'''Caesar Salazar''': There was an experiment I remember mom and dad running. If you could find the notes, it might save some time on the work I'm doing now. :'''Rex Salazar''': Notes? Come on. Isn't family more important than-- Guess not. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Why can't I have a normal brother? Know anything about cows? Thanks for coming with me. This is really a family thing, but my brother is, well-- My brother. :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you kidding? I'm psyched! I've been killing myself trying to find a birthday present for Claire. A vacation at my best friend's awesome ancestral estate? What other guy could offer her that? :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, but then why bring Annie? :'''Annie''': Um, this just kind of broke off. :''[Annie, Claire and Noah screaming]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': AAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I sure hope this isn't included in Six's "You break it, you buy it" policy. :'''Annie''': Sorry. :'''Rex Salazar''': No problem. We're here. :'''Claire Bowman''': Are... you sure this is the place? :'''Noah Nixon''': What happened to it? :'''Annie''': Hey, don't look at me. I just got there. :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Annie''': Okay, that was me. :'''Rex Salazar''': I guess this must be my... family. :'''Claire Bowman''': Looks like you-- But with a 'stache. :'''Annie''': I like you with a 'stache. :'''Claire Bowman''': Hey, there are chickens in here! :'''Annie''': And llamas! :'''Noah Nixon''': Chicken, llamas-- And a funny-looking bull. :''[Chiquito snorts]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I-I-I take it back! You're not funny-looking! :'''Chiquito''': This place is Durango's! :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, actually-- :'''Chuquito''': No fancy talk! Just go! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Okay, number one, how is "actually" fancy talk! Number two, I don't know who Durango is, but this farm isn't his. And number three-- :''[Chiquito grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Ugh! All right, there's no misunderstanding the international language of getting punched in the face. So read my fist-- Get out of my house! :'''Chiquito''': Durango will not be happy! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, don't know who that guy was, but problem solved. :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh, you think? Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Calmate, Chiquito. You are my brother. I would not do anything to hurt mi hermano. Unless you force me to. I cannot lose that tract of land. Without its right of way, I will lose my claim on the rest of the county. But never mind. They will learn-- When you mess with the bull, you get the horns. :'''Rex Salazar''': OHHH! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': A chicken just tried to poop on my shoe! :'''Rex Salazar''': I think I can top you there. :'''Noah Nixon''': No offense, but when I asked Claire to come here, this wasn't what I was hoping for. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, me either. I mean, I was thinking I'd find-- I don't know what. But everything in this place has been smashed or stolen. Maybe this whole family thing isn't for me. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': That's the one! :'''Claire Bowman''': Please, Noah. It just needed a little help laying an egg. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[Chuckling]'' What, did you grow up on a farm in Kansas? :'''Claire Bowman''': An apartment in Chicago-- Which is where I learned to download videos onto my phone. :'''Telephone Voice''': When caring for an egg bearing hen, remember to-- :'''Muchado''': Hola? Quien esta aquí? :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh... hello? :'''Muchado''': So, you are the Americans? I am Señor Muchado-- The juez. :'''Claire Bowman''': That's like a judge? :'''Muchado''': Sí. For all intents and purposes, I am the law in this county-- Which is why I have come here with him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Good, because I definitely want to press charges. :'''Muchado''': You misunderstand. I am here because of the trouble you caused for Chiquito. :'''Rex Salazar''': Chiquito? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Your mom must have some sense of humor to name you "Tiny". :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Muchado''': Chiquito's brother is Señor Durango. He controls most of the land in this county, including this hacienda. At Señor Durango's request, I have prepared a legal order compelling you to vacate. :'''Claire Bowman''': But this is Rex's farm. :'''Annie''': Yeah, he's got a deed and everything. :'''Muchado''': This might have some bearing-- If you were a Salazar. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, we're in luck. I am. :'''Annie''': Maybe this will help. :'''Muchado''': You may be a Salazar, but by our law, this land has been deemed abandoned, and Señor Durango has claimed it. :'''Rex Salazar''': Sorry. Been sort of busy saving the world and stuff. But I'm here now, so consider his claim unclaimed, then reclaimed by me. :'''Muchado''': It is not so simple. You would have to demonstrate you are actively maintaining the ranch. That means shearing and feeding the animals, bringing your bulls to market-- :'''Rex Salazar''': To market? What, like a... cattle drive? :'''Claire Bowman''': No problem. We can totally figure out how to do that. :'''Muchado''': A ranch this size requires at least a dozen hired men. :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, just... uh... :'''Muchado''': No one within 100 kilometers will help you cross Señor Durango. If you do this, you will do it alone. And you will fail. :'''Claire Bowman''': Well, that guy was kind of a jerk. :'''Annie''': Yeah. So, let's get to work. :'''Noah Nixon''': How? Everything here is broken. :'''Annie''': Uh, have you seen my house? :'''Rex Salazar''': You guys don't have to do this. :'''Claire Bowman''': What kind of friend would walk away now? :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh... yeah! No way you could stop me from helping take care of these totally not-gross animals. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, I'm smiling like that's what I mean, aren't? :''[Noah exhales deeply]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I can do this! I can't do this. Until I've done my milking warm-up. :'''Claire Bowman''': Ugh. Hold this. :'''Telephone Voice''': With you head resting on her flank, gently grasp the udder with the palm of your hand. :'''Noah Nixon''': AAH! :''[Claire giggles]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': I think she likes you. :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': This is your home. Get in your home! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Whoa! AAAH! AAH! Ugh! This is hopeless! This farm only has one bull, and I can't even get it into the barn. And this... better just be mud. :'''Annie''': Hang on! I'll help you! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No! Don't! :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you guys okay? :'''Claire Bowman''': What is it? A storm cellar? :'''Noah Nixon''': Looks like some kind of lab. :'''Rex Salazar''': Figures. My mom and dad were Caesar's parents, too. Of course they'd find a way to take work home with them. Probably where those notes Caesar wanted are. Might as well grab them before the judge kicks us out. :'''Claire Bowman''': What's he talking about? I think we're doing a pretty good job taking care of the-- :'''Annie''': Uh, guys-- :''[Claire grunts]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Wait-- Donkeys eat hay, don't they? Maybe we can use it to lure them back into the barn. :'''Annie''': I got it! Ugh! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, on the plus side, at least we now know for sure that donkeys do eat hay. :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day, these things are going to change the world, and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': ''[chuckling]'' Caesar, please, mi hijo. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay! Okay! :''[Claire sniffs]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': What's that smell? :'''Noah Nixon''': Which one? Everything here smells. :'''Claire Bowman''': No, it smells like... smoke! :'''Annie''': Rex! The straw caught on fire, and it exploded! :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Chiquito''': Hermano! No! Oomph! :'''Senior Durango''': What were you thinking? I told you to smoke them out, not burn the land! This is my land! If you weren't my brother-- :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Senior Durango''': But you are. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, you must be the brother. Hope I'm not interrupting some kind of weird tender moment. :'''Senior Durango''': Soy Durango. And I hope there is still a chance we can reach a resonable agreement. :'''Claire Bowman''': So, then you'll let Rex keep the farm? We played by the rules. :'''Senior Durango''': Around here, I make the rules. :'''Annie''': But the judge said-- :'''Senior Durango''': The judge works for me. Now, please, I'm giving you one last chance to leave. :'''Noah Nixon''': Okay, sure! Oh, wait-- That's right. Your fire blew up what was left of our plane! :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh, let me handle the trash-talking with the 20-foot-tall monster EVO, okay? Leave them out of this! They shouldn't even be here! It should have been my brother! :'''Senior Durango''': That is why you will lose your farm. Without family, a man is nothing. After all, what is this land to them? :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't even know what this place is to me. I came here hoping to find out more about who my family is. :''[Rex start looking at Noah, Claire and Annie, and smile to them]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': And I did. So, you're going to stop threatening them-- And me-- And get off my land. :''[Durango snarls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay. Here's the plan-- Stay behind me! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, there goes that plan. :'''Senior Durango''': Hurt them. You can do that, can't you? :'''Claire Bowman''': W-what do we do now?! :'''Annie''': The only one of us with powers just got kicked to the curb. :'''Noah Nixon''': That depends on what you mean by "powers". :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex muffled grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Not a good time, Caesar. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just wanted to tell you-- Forget about those notes. I realized that's not what's important about you going down there. :''[Durango snarls]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wow, Caesar. I can't believe you came around. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just realized-- The really important thing is, if you happen to find a termo-chronometer I remember having down there, it would save me from ordering one. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito growls]'' :''[Chiquito snarls, roars]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Chiquito snorts]'' <hr width80%> :[''On videotape of the Salazar family]'' :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day these things are going to change the world and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': Cesar, please miquito. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay, okay. <hr width80%> :'''Noah Nixon''': This morning, I almost had to touch a cow's underparts. You think you can do me worse than that? Bring it. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito roars]'' :'''Annie''': Ugh! I didn't mean for that to happen. :'''Claire Bowman''': We did. :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ugh! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! :'''Senior Durango''': OOMPH! :''[Durango lows]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-O-O-O O-OA! :''[Durango lows]'' :''[Durango snorts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Durango growls]'' :''[Durango growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Trust me-- My brother's let me down way worse. But what am I gonna do? He's my brother. :'''Senior Durango''': It is over. :'''Rex Salazar''': Nice ego there, but I've been hit a lot harder. :''[Durango spits]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Those bells signal the market is ending soon. I can see you have yet to herd you cattle there. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, come on! The one cattle I've got doesn't even move! :'''Senior Durango''': If you do not have your cattle to market before it ends, you will have failed to fulfill your deed, and this land will be mine. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then I guess I don't have any time to waste talking about it. :'''Claire Bowman''': Come on. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': Forget it. I got this. :'''Claire Bowman''': WHOO-HOO! Yes! Go, Rex! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Where's Durango? :'''Rex Salazar''': OWW! Come on! You don't move the whole time, and you can't stay still? :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': What is this, a western? You're actually trying to stop him with a rockslide? :'''Senior Durango''': You? Here? How is that even possible? :'''Telephone Voice''': Donkeys can be ridden surprinsingly fast if you-- :'''Noah Nixon''': Come on! Just give up! The farm belong to Rex. And I really want to get off this thing. :'''Senior Durango''': You think I'm afraid of you ''[scoffs]'' boy? :'''Claire Bowman''': Oh, it's not the boy you should be afraid of. :'''Annie''': Oops. :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Ugh! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': We sheared the llamas, we milked the cows, I got the bull to town. We did everything in the deed. :'''Muchado''': Sí, sí. But more important, you faced Durango and won! Once the other ranchers hear of this, they won't be afraid. You have broken Durango's hold on our lands. :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait-- You're... happy about that? :'''Muchado''': Of course. I told you exactly what you had to do to legally gain control of the land, didn't I? :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh. I guess you did. :'''Claire Bowman''': Wow! Can you believe how you perfect this all worked out? :'''Noah Nixon''': Yeah, uh, so, maybe we should get out of here before we wear out our welcome. :'''Rex Salazar''': There's just one thing I want to do first. ===The Rescue=== :''Note'': Rex goes alone to rescue his girlfriend Circe from the clutches of Black Knight. but it turns out she has been waiting for him. <hr width80%> ===Alone Together=== :''Note'': Finally together at last, Rex and Circe reminiscence about their good and hard times together ans their romance begins to grow. ===Retribution=== ===Temporary Insanity=== ===Crime and Punishment=== :''Note:'' His false insanity revealed, Van Kleiss abducts Circe with the intent of punishing her for betraying him, due to her enduring love for Rex. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, Circe, you shall learn the ultimate price of betraying me. :'''Rex:''' ''Leave her alone!!'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, Rex. For young love. One of your greatest weaknesses. After I finish off your beloved, you will no longer be a hindrance to me. :'''Rex''' (''enraged'')''':''' I ''said''...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! <hr width80%> ===Shadowed Past=== ===Separation Anxiety=== ===Brotherly Love=== ===Rocky My World=== :'''Beverly:''' Oh, this is so awesome! We're seeing the Trendbenders live! :'''Rex:''' Well, maybe not see them, but we'll totally hear them. :'''Sebastian''': Attention! The Trendbenders will be arriving through the back of the club. :'''Beverly:''' Slick trick! Yes, Rebecca. I know! Only drink the bottled water. No, we're not that close to the stage. Ugh! I know that's where they mosh-pit. Don't worry! Bye! :'''Rex:''' Your sister is acting like your mother. I wouldn't put up with it. Doc?! I'm right next to her! Yes, we've got earplugs. Only bottled water-- I know! Yes, you'll pick us up at 11:00. Okay! Bye! :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' I met a guy who has looking for a lucky break. I met a guy mad he wouldn't make a mistake. No loser here the weight would be upon his face. This ain't no lucky break it's just another day. :'''Beverly:''' Hey! :'''Rex:''' There's something wrong with that guy. :'''Beverly:''' Yeah! It's called lack of social skills. :'''Sebastian:''' We have to talk! You got to listen to me! :'''Rex:''' I think they're a little too busy for a chat right now. :'''Sebastian:''' It's me! Your first fan! :'''Rex:''' Come on, dude. Can't you just watch the show, like everyone else? :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' You won't bring me down. Yeah-yeah-yeah. You won't bring me down. :'''Sebastian:''' I'm not just everyone else. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' You want to rethink trying to stop me? :'''Beverly:''' Whoa! Geek in triplicate! :'''Rex:''' More like EVO geek. :'''Sebastian:''' I bet you're not even a real fan! :'''Rex:''' Hey, I know their music! :'''Sebastian:''' Yeah? What album is "Bitten on the Wind" from? :'''Beverly:''' Uh, their first album. :'''Sebastian:''' Wrong! Their third! Poser! :'''Sly:''' Here's one from our first album-- "Bitten on the Wind." :'''Beverly:''' Told ya! Their first album! Who's the poser now? :'''Sebastian:''' But it is their third. They keep denying their first two albums exist! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :''[Rex bones cracking]'' :'''Rex:''' Shouldn't you be home, making sure your mom isn't snooping around your basement? Ouch! All right, I've had enough. :'''Sebastian:''' I know you. You're that guy from Providence that beats up on EVOs. :'''Rex:''' And I'm guessing you're not one of my fans. :'''Sebastian:''' This isn't over! They still need me to show them the way back. I'll make them listen to me.. No matter what! Ugh! :'''Man:''' No re-entry without a hand stamp. :'''Rex:''' Uh, but-- :'''JoJo:''' It's okay. He's with me. I'm JoJo, the band's manager. :'''Beverly:''' Oh! Sly Tyler, vocals, six-stringer. Burrito Beau on the big bottom, and Leon Adler on the skins. :'''Beau:''' Bass. Drums. :'''Beverly:''' They're even cutter up close! :'''JoJo:''' But Sebastian isn't. And now that fruitcake fan has become a major menace. :'''Rex:''' You know who that guy is? :'''Sly:''' Yeah, he's one of our first fans from way back. :'''Leon:''' But he didn't like our change in music direction. :'''Beau:''' Change, like in popular. :'''Sly:''' So he started sending us nasty e-mails and slagging us on the fan sites. :'''JoJo:''' But now he's turned violent, and it turns out he's... H-he's... :'''Rex:''' An EVO that can multiply himself. :'''JoJo:''' We can't handle that kind of threat, but you can. :'''Beverly:''' Is this a job offer? :'''JoJo:''' As head of security for the rest of the tour. :'''Rex:''' Huh, I don't know. Putting up with groupies, great music, catering, the Rock'n'roll lifestyle-- Oh, right, like I'm not totally in for this! :'''Beverly:''' And I'm your deputy, sheriff. :'''Sly:''' Absolutely. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Absolutely not. :'''Rex:''' They've got an EVO threat. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Fine, Rex. Beverly? And don't forget to use earplugs. :'''Rex:''' Private jet to the next gig? Airline-- First class? Coach? :'''JoJo:''' Of the road kind. :'''Rex:''' Traveling the open road, bringing music to the people. Where to next? :'''Beau:''' Eugene, Oregon. ''[Unenthusiastically]'' WHOO-HOO! :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Leon:''' Bad seat. Got a lot of them. :''[Beau farts]'' :''[Rex sniffs]'' :'''Leon and Rex:''' Oh! :''[Leon coughs]'' :'''Leon:''' Isn't the ozone layer depleted enough, Beau? :'''Rex:''' Want to hit the streets and check out the local scene? :'''Sly:''' Seriously, man? It's just another town. :'''Beau:''' Been there. Seen them all. :'''TV Announcer:''' He's currently under 3, 2 behind the leader. This is a very tricky-- :'''Rex:''' Oh, let's throw this in the pool! :'''Leon:''' Hey, I'm watching something, dude! :'''Rex:''' How about a food fight? :'''Sly:''' Sorry, man. Not feeling it. :'''Rex:''' This isn't feeling very Rock'n'Roll. :'''JoJo:''' Rex, we hired you to consult on security, not rock-tour clichés. :'''Sebastian:''' Room service. :'''JoJo:''' Again? You guys, this is costing too much. :'''Sly:''' But we didn't order anything else. :'''Sebastian:''' That's okay. This is on the house! :''[Sebastian grunts]'' :''[JoJo gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Look out! He's got... Paperwork? :'''Sebastian:''' I've got notes and visuals on where you've gone commercial and how you can get back to your roots! He's with the band now? He's not even a real fan! You see? You've got to come with me. You need my help! :'''Rex:''' They're not going anywhere, but you are! :'''Sebastian:''' My copies don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But you do! :'''Girl:''' Whoa! You must really be a big fan! :'''Sebastian:''' Only of their early stuff. :'''Girl:''' Eww! Their early stuff is weak. :'''Teen girl:''' But their new songs are awesome! :''[Girls giggling]'' :''[Sebastian growls]'' :''[Girls screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. I'm with the band. :'''Teen girl:''' But you missed your ride. :'''Rex:''' That's okay. I've got my own. :'''Man:''' Rock bands! Never again! :'''Sebastian:''' I've got to take you away from this sellout existence, where you deny your first two albums even exist. :'''Sly:''' B-but those albums weren't any good. That's why we only had a few fans, like you. :'''Rex:''' If there's only three of them, then who's driving the car? :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Did he... Ah! Rent that car from the circus? Time to cut this act short. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' Oh, man. I went to my first Trendbenders show in that car. :'''Rex:''' Maybe I can't turn off your obsession, but I can shut down your nanites. :'''Beau:''' That clone-boy? :'''Rex:''' I don't think he's going to be a problem now. :'''JoJo:''' We can still use you on the tour. What did you say? :'''Rex:''' Yes! :'''Sly:''' Good man! ''[singing]'' You see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", kill your radio, you live a life for all to see, sometimes it's right, sometimes obscene, now you're the enemy, it's one for all and all for me, unlocking doors and misery, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, it isn't all, that it's cracked up to be, I never thought it'd be so easy, I wouldn't have it any other way, you see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah". :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Sly:''' At least we got a day off before the next gig. :'''JoJo:''' Guys, a club owner in fleeceburg just offered us amazing money. I booked it. :'''Rex:''' For when? :'''JoJo:''' We're already running late. :'''Sly:''' They're paying money for us to play in this dump? :'''JoJo:''' Big money. Come on. You're on in ten minutes. :'''Rex:''' I'm guessing ticket sales are a little slow. :'''Leon:''' Are we breaking up? :'''Beau:''' This dive seems awfully familiar. :'''Sebastian:''' It should. :'''Rex:''' That voice seems awfully familiar! :'''Teens:''' Dude! Nobody move! What's going on? Who's touching me? What is this? Excuse me. What is going on? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I built an exact replica of the first club you played in. :'''Beau:''' Hey, that's one of my puke stains. Fruitcake knows his details. :'''Rex:''' But I cured you. :'''Sebastian:''' Hmm... That was a copy, not the original. :'''Sly:''' Whatever. When's this gonna end, fan-boy? :'''Sebastian:''' It ends tonight. Check the floor at your feet. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I've given up trying to get you back to your roots. So now you'll play what I want to hear for the next hour. And then your career ends with a bang. :'''Sly:''' On behalf of the band, I'd like to thank our manager, JoJo, for booking this totally insane gig! :''[JoJo laughs nervously]'' :'''Sebastian:''' The sound of cold, hard cash is the only music sellouts like you listen to anymore. :'''Rex:''' They're not sellouts. They just got more popular than you wanted. :'''Sebastian:''' You try anything, and I'll end their last gig prematurely. You're only alive because I want you to see what the Trendbenders used to be like. For the next hour give me the early stuff, when you were cool. :'''Sly:''' Why bother? You're gonna nuke us, anyway. :'''Sebastian:''' Because if you don't play, this happens! :'''Sly:''' Aah! :'''Leon, Sly and Beau:''' No more! :'''Sly:''' Okay, dude, what's the first number? :'''Sebastian:''' "Crawling undertow"! :'''Sly:''' Well, how does it feel? :'''Sebastian:''' First album, seventh song. Fifth song on the Japanese import. :'''Sly:''' To get that weight back on our shoulders-- :'''Sebastian:''' You're giving it a beat that wasn't in the original, man! Not even in the remix from the box set. Play it right this time! I'm missing the concert because of you! :'''Rex:''' Stinks to be you. Got to cure the real Sebastian. But which one is the mother ship? :'''Sebastian:''' You can't even play your old songs like you used to. Total disappointment. Let's end this bummer concert. :'''Sly:''' But we still have over a half-hour left! :'''Sebastian:''' Last song, no encore. :'''Rex:''' Tell me who's the original, or I'll turn you into dessert topping! :'''Sebastian:''' You don't scare me. I don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But the real Sebastian does. Sly! Maximum feedback! Now! Thanks, Doc. :'''Sebastian''': AAAHHHH! :'''Rex:''' How do you like their new hit, Sebastian Prime? Here's another new groove you're not going to like. :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Congrats. You're back to being a solo act. :'''Sebastian:''' You've got to listen to me! :''[Sebastian yelling]'' :'''Rex:''' Kidnapping, assault and battery, construction without a permit-- that should keep him away for years. :'''JoJo:''' Have to say it, guys, but we've got a gig in toledo to get to. Security? :'''Rex:''' Not anymore. Sebastian's done, and so am I. :'''Sly:''' Dude, I thought you wanted the rock'n'roll lifestyle. :'''Rex:''' I'm not tough enough for it. I need to get back to something easier, like city-smashing EVOs and conspiracies to take over the world. :'''Beau:''' Don't know what your missing. :'''Rex:''' I think do. But I don't miss this. Yes, doc? Don't need my earplugs anymore. I quit. Will you let me tell you? No, the EVO threat wasn't just an excuse. Well, I'm coming back! Will you let-- Doc! ===Lost and Found=== ===My Brother's Keeper=== ===Target: the Consortium=== : '''Jungle Cat:''' You are...? : '''Rex:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. What are you? : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : '''Rex:''' HUNH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex gasps deeply]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. That was a total zero on the fun meter. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Learning how to communicate with the nanite world isn't about fun. Did you get anywhere at all? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. I connected with a Master Control Nanite for a second, and then I lost it. But I also got, like, this feeling that something's about to happen in the nanite world. Something... big. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Argh! This is Rylander's speciality, not mine. There's no way I can cover for him. : '''Caesar:''' Not to worry, Dr. Meechum. You won't have to any longer. Dr. Rylander will take over from here. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Oh, really, Caesar? From his current location of beyond the grave? : '''Rylander:''' Actually, Peter, I was never completely dead-- just spread a little thin-- ''[chuckling]'' Moleculary speaking. Caesar's been working on putting me back together. : '''Black Knight:''' All of them together-- At last. Contact the Consortium. We now have something to show them. Something big. : '''White Knight:''' Even having two of the Master Control Nanites doesn't change the vital importance of finding the other three. But the latest intel I've received could give us a way to neutralize the group obsessed with these machines. : '''Six:''' The Consortium. : '''Rex:''' Aren't those the money guys that bankrolled the Nanite Project in Providence? : '''White Knight:''' The same. Formerly made-up of six members, but now five-- Reddick, made his wealth in real estate and construction. Vostock, black market finance and KGB... Zanubian, arms dealing and shipping. Roswell, oil and minerals. Anthony Haden-Scott, worldwide media. : ''[Rex munches]'' : '''Rex:''' Should we be writing this down for the pop quiz later? : '''White Knight:''' You may be facing them soon because of the efforts of our stealthiest agent. : '''Rex:''' Mm! Thank you! I think. : '''Jungle Cat:''' He's not talking about you. : '''Rex:''' Hey! It's Evo-cat guy! Uh... sorry-- What's your name? O...kay, cat with no collar, what's in the sack? Bunch of canaries? Well, that's... something. : '''White Knight:''' Our associate has been tracking the Consortium with a little help from a former member. : '''Rex:''' I remember him! He's the one Rylander got revenge on with an EVO love letter. : '''Jungle Cat:''' That he never recovered from. But he's still full of useful knowledge about the other members. : '''Rex:''' As long as you have a towel handy for the answers. : '''Jungle Cat:''' The Consortium has financed a new facility for nanite research. All of them will be at that location within the next six hours. : '''Six:''' And so will we. : '''White Knight:''' A rare opportunity like this can't be missed. You three will capture the Consortium and bring them to a secure location. Understood? : '''Rex:''' Purrfectly. : '''Black Knight:''' Gentlemen, I wanted you here today to-- : '''Reddick:''' "Wanted?" Sounds like a command. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You get to ask, not order. : '''Black Knight:''' I'm sorry. Let me restate. I asked you here because I can now present some major developments in your quest. I finished construction on the nanite reactor and reassembled against all odds the original science team to run it. Doctors Meechum, systems expert. Salazar, artificial intelligence. Rylander, microengineering. And Van Kleiss, biomechanical integration. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Nanite's recorder locked in. Hologram Rylander saves money on meals. Glow, glow, glow, yipper. : ''[Van Kleiss smooches]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' A human flashlight and a brain-fried babbler. This is what I'm supposed to work with. : '''Vostok:''' Looks like your geniuses have some issues. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' ''[British accent]'' I seem to recall there were two other Salazars on the team. : '''Black Knight:''' They're dead-- And just as well. Considering their actions are responsible for our setbacks, I highly doubt they would have cooperated. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Black Pawns:''' Ohh! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Black Pawns got to talk to their costume designer. Way too stuffy. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Be quiet. : '''Six:''' Our target? : '''Roswell:''' ''[Southern accent]'' Little lady, I'm hoping you didn't get me out here just to watch some lab jockeys do their homework. : '''Vostok:''' I know I've got better things to do. : '''Black Knight:''' Aside from the all-important reassembly of the science team and activation of the nanite reactor, I do have another development to show you. : '''Roswell:''' Yeah? What else you got? : '''Black Knight:''' An acquisition. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' What's wrong with you? : '''Rex:''' Forget the Consortium! I know where we can find a Master-Control Nanite. : '''Six:''' Where? : '''Rex''': Here. : '''Six:''' We're doing both. You two get the nanite, I'll get the Consortium. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' On of the five? That's all? : '''Reddick:''' You know we need all of the Master-Control Nanites to do us any good. : '''Vostok:''' What about the two you lost? And the other two still out there? : '''Black Knight:''' We'll have the other four in due time. Take this back to the vault. But remember that each one has its own useful powers. : '''Roswell:''' Not enough to drag me all the way out there, little lady. : '''Black Knight:''' "Black Knight". : '''Black Pawns:''' You're not one of us. : '''Six:''' Stay clear of the Pawns. They're not buying our cover. Repeat-- Stay clear of the Pawns. : '''Rex:''' Steel door. A vault! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' That was close. : '''Rex:''' Got it. Have to be as stealthy as you from now on. : ''[Jungle Catsnarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Van Kleiss! : ''[Jungle Cat muffled grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Way not to be stealthy. Sorry, cat guy. I know you want payback for him turning you into stone and all, but the nanite is more important. : '''Black Pawns:''' Security alert. Intruder. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' You find the nanite. I'll be a diversion. <hr width80%> : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' She has shown us some progress. That one nanite is significant in itself. : '''Reddick:''' It's all five or nothing. Or are you thinking of working a separate deal with the one? : '''Vostok:''' Can we please not talk like this while those two are in the room? : '''Roswell:''' Yeah, Xanubian, put a sock in all your yammerin'. : '''Black Pawns:''' Another intruder at security zone three. It's Agent Six. : '''Rex:''' Gotcha. : '''Black Pawns:''' Unh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' I'll take that. Six! I've got the nanite! : '''Six:''' Meet your outside. : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' I've got it! Let's scat, cat! : '''Black Knight:''' If he's here-- So is Rex. Vault security, come in. : '''Reddick:''' Is there a problem? : '''Black Knight:''' A minor security issue. I'm taking care of it. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You better, little lady. : '''Rex:''' Well, mission half accomplished. : '''Six:''' This should complete it. : '''Rex:''' You planted a bomb?! : '''Six:''' Plan "B". : '''Rex:''' The cat! He's still inside! No!! We've got to go back for the cat! He's on his own mission. Van Kleiss is there. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Black Pawns:''' Black Knight, shouldn't we evacuate? : '''Black Knight:''' The security threat has been removed. Among other things. Track them, find them. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Interlace template, instal copper buffers, hold the mayo, set core temp, heat cold fries. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Remember me? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Someone let the cat in. : '''Jungle Cat:''' You cast me aside as if I was garbage. Turned me to stone. Drained me of life-- Almost. Now it's your turn to suffer. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Had a kitty once. Not you. Bubbles liked catnip and parsnips. Chapped lips. Hip, hip, hooray! : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're here to clean up, ask for directions, not Dr. Screwloose. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Meechum. Bro. He's here to put Van Kleiss out of the world's misery. Give me a reason why he shouldn't. : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Rylander:''' Because the world needs him right now, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander! How did you-- : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' You got it to work. : '''Rylander:''' I've looked better, I'll admit, but I'm still very much alive. And so happy to see you again. : '''Rex:''' If you could bring him back-- : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. It won't work for mom and dad. : '''Rex:''' So, you've come back-- But you're working for them! It seems crazy, I know, but look at our progress-- The nanite reactor is almost operational. : '''Rex:''' Not if I destroy it. : '''Black Knight:''' Surround them. : '''Caesar:''' Trust me, hermano, We're doing the right thing. : '''Rex:''' You keep saying that, but I don't believe it anymore! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Bubbles, I'm sorry. Here, kitty, kitty. Left you out in the rain, rain go away-- : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! Easy on the hot sauce, Peter, Peter pumpkin two seater. : '''Rylander:''' Tell him, Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Tell me what? : '''Six:''' Revenge time is up. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat roars]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Aah! Careful! Our work! Ugh! Take it outside! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. : '''Rex:''' I can't talk now! Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Thank you. : '''Rex:''' You're so not welcome. : '''Black Knight:''' You should have left when you had the chance. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You guys have such a great cafeteria. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Had to come back for more. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Unh! : '''Six:''' Unh! : ''[Black Knight grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Six:''' UNNNNNNNNH! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' Let's say adiós. : '''Six:''' There's still plan "B". : '''Rex:''' We're not assassins. : '''Six:''' You're not. This might be our one chance. : '''Rex:''' To be like them? Then what makes us different? : '''Six:''' Go. I'm right behind you. : '''Roswell:''' You brought us into an ambush! Right behind you, Mr. Chatterbox. : '''Vostok:''' You are cowards. : '''Reddick:''' Graveyards are full of dummies that thought they were though. : '''Vostok:''' Black Knight, we have a lot to discuss about your future. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, let's talk. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Where's Six? : '''Rex:''' He said he was right behind us. : '''Six:''' I am. The Consortium still has to be dealt with. : '''Rex:''' We now have three Master Control Nanites. I'd say the Consortium has to deal with us. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Purrfectly. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I'm shocked. What happened? : '''Black Knight:''' It seems Vostok had an unfortunate run-in with our intruders as he was leaving. But, there's good news. The reactor is gone. Soon we will have all the nanites we need. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' I think it's time we walked about my promotion. ===Convergence=== ===Enter the Nanite World=== ===Enemies Mine=== : '''Valve:''' Battle is to be waged between your courage and my power. You lose. : '''Gatlocke:''' Valve, my friend. Lovely day for a riot, don't you think? : '''Valve:''' What do you want, Gatlocke? : '''Gatlocke:''' I want lots of things-- A doomsday weapon, my own private island, for my mom to stop calling me to fix her computer. But what I really want is to give you a message. It's time. I suppose I'll make the introductions. : '''Valve:''' A biker needs no introduction. And everyone knows Hunter Cain. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Everything is going according to plan. We get one more thing. Then we get wrecked. : '''Rex:''' Sorry we're late. : '''Bobo:''' We're not late. We're fashionably early. : '''Providence Agent:''' I was starting to think I was on my own. I've been calling for help, but Providence hasn't answered. : '''Six:''' What set this off? : '''Providence Agent:''' No idea. One moment everything was fine. The next moment, complete chaos. : '''Rex:''' I'm heading in. I'll lock up when I'm done. Oh, don't bother getting up. I'm just gonna knock you back down again. : '''Bobo:''' Back in your cages, you filthy animals! : '''Rex:''' Huh? What? You? It's a who's-who of old EVOs. Whew! Really not in the mood for this. You're kidding me. You?! : '''Gatlocke:''' Three men, one objective, no rules. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Or is it just me? : '''Valve:''' The others are saying that Rex is here. Rex will get his when we're ready. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Watch yourselves. This one's unpredictable. We know what you want, No-Face. Then we can give it to you. Do what we say. Then you'll get Rex. You'll get the chance to tear Rex apart. Piece by piece. Now we're ready. : '''Rex:''' So you remember who I am. Surprised you have a big enough brain for that. These cells are pretty dull. Let's redecorate. No way I'm letting an EVO get won over on me. Especially a big old frog. : '''Gatlocke:''' Almost out. Freedom is just a... Bottomless ravine away. : '''Valve:''' The biker begs the question, how are we getting across? : '''Gatlocke:''' You know that's not really how begging the question is supposed to be used. Are we kidding? Anyone who gets worked up over that phrase needs to be savagely beaten. : '''Hunter Cain:''' This'll override the drawbridge system. : '''Gatlocke:''' Ooh, now how would someone like you procure something like that? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Friends and hide places. : '''Rex:''' Okay, frog legs. Let's put you in solitary confinement. : '''Bobo:''' Do you look like you got run over by an overstuffed garbage truck? : '''Rex:''' Feels like it. This is a prison riot. Where's Providence? They should be all over this. : '''Six:''' They never responded to any calls. : '''Rex:''' It's a setup. Providence wanted this to happen. But why? : '''Six:''' Six here. Go ahead. : '''Rex:''' Wait. This bridge wasn't down before. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. About that. Some of the prisoners escaped together. Gatlocke... : '''Rex:''' That's bad. : '''Bobo:''' Hunter Cain... : '''Rex:''' That's even worse! : '''Bobo:''' Valve. : '''Rex:''' That's... Really? Valve? : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. And No-Face. : '''Rex:''' Those four are loose? Together? : '''Six:''' We've got a bigger problem. : '''Rex:''' How can it be bigger than this? : '''Six:''' The EVOs in the city-- The only thing keeping them tame are their control collars. : '''Rex:''' And this is a problem because...? : '''Six:''' Because someone has shut them all down. : '''Rex:''' Let me get that for you. : '''Bobo:''' Dumpster dog. Considering you used to ride around in the Paris, I guess you're moving up in the world. Main to your mud. : '''Six:''' Are you injured? : '''Rex:''' Just worn out. Is this day over yet? : '''Bobo:''' Oh! Signs pointing no. : '''Rex:''' Huh? That came from the track. Can you handle things here? : '''Bobo:''' Only one way to find out. Valve. Those nanite superchargers you keep using are bad for your health. : '''Valve:''' If I were you, I'd be more concerned with your own short-term health. : '''Rex:''' Please, like I have anything to worry about from you. The other three, they're dangerous. You, you're just comedy relief. : '''Valve:''' I am not. Comedy relief. : '''Rex:''' Well, you're not funny, that's for sure. : '''Valve:''' Like the road that continues on, so must the biker. : '''Rex:''' Where did he go so? Ew! Get away from my tacos, cockroach! Huh? You running away? I'll give you this much, Valve. Maybe you're getting smarter. : '''No-Face:''' Unlike you. : '''Rex:''' I put you away once, No-Face. I'll do it again. : '''No-Face:''' The one who makes machines. The one we've been waiting for. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Figures you try to shoot a guy in the back. : '''Hunter Cain:''' All I see is a filthy EVO. : '''Rex:''' Okay, first off, that Lai is tired. Second off, last time I checked, you're teaming up with one. Would that make you an EVO lover? All this hide and seek is wearing me down! Huh? Figures. : '''Gatlocke:''' Leaving so soon? That's not going to impress the hiring committee. Now, let's see what we have here. "Honor roll, A/V Club." Ugh. "Glee Club." ''[Scoffs]'' I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're perfect for my gang. Can you sing soprano? My last soprano drove his motorcycle off a cliff. He survived, but his voice was never the same. By the way, can you fly? This is quite the surprise. I'm willing to hire you, Rex, but you better have some excellent references. : '''Rex:''' Back to prison, Gatlocke! : '''Gatlocke:''' Then consider the offer rescinded! You could be a valued member of my gang. It's a tough job market out there, you know? : '''Rex:''' I'd never work for you! : '''Gatlocke:''' No, not with that attitude, you wouldn't. Welcome to my gang. Your first task is to destroy Rex-- That guy right there. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' Your second task is to complete harassment training. I teach the class. This pamphlet explains everything. : '''Rex:''' No, no, no! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, come in. What's happening? : '''Rex:''' One really bad day. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Your nanite readings are off the charts. : '''Rex:''' No surprise. I've been fighting and curing EVOs non stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We need to upload your nanites immediately. : '''Rex:''' Now? Doc, my four worst enemies are still on the loose. Well, my three worst enemies in Valve. Plus the city's in chaos. And where in the world is Providence? How come they're not here dealing with this? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Six and Bobo can mop up the last few EVOs. You have to offload. : '''Rex:''' Okay, fine. But we better make it fast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll be locked in the chamber for one hour. : '''Rex:''' Just do it, Doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' This could be a long sixty minutes. : '''Valve:''' According to the tracking bug, Rex is inside. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Gentlemen, this is what we've been waiting for. It's time for Rex to die. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They followed him. : '''Gatlocke:''' After we kill Rex. We should work together and form a team call ourselves... Gatlocke and the kitty cats. : '''Valve:''' Silence your mouth or the biker will silence it for you. : '''Gatlocke:''' Oh, Valve. You can pretend to be angry, but deep down, you know you're a kitty cat. : '''Hunter Cain:''' They know we're here. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're quite feisty. Have you ever considered a career in the fast growing field of post apocalyptic gangs? : '''Valve:''' She has spirit. Valve the biker will see that spirit crushed. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're Gatlocke's favorite kitty cat. Hmm. Rrr. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Don't follow her. She's trying to lead us away from Rex. Rex is close-by. : '''Valve:''' Rex's chamber... Five minutes to spare. : '''Hunter Cain:''' More than enough time. : '''Gatlocke:''' I could have sworn that we'd agreed to take Rex out together. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I'm changing the terms of the deal if you have a problem with that, feel free to stand right where you are. I've waited a long time for this. Rex! : '''Valve:''' Empty? Or a trick of the mind? : '''Rex:''' Isn't that obvious? Then again, that tracking bug you stuck on me was obvious, too. And the fake countdown? Obvious. It only took me thirty minutes to upload my nanites. You wanted to run me ragged so you could get me. Instead, here you are all in one place. Gotcha! : '''Valve:''' UGHH! : '''Rex:''' UGHHHH! I still don't get why you enlisted Valve. I mean, he's really a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' Valve is the biker. A biker is dangerous. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. Yeah. No. : '''Valve:''' Rrrr! : '''Rex:''' So unpredictable. Like a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' AAAAH! : '''Gatlocke:''' I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that he's winning. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Then do something about it! : '''Gatlocke:''' Don't have to yell. A kind word will get you much further. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' UGHHH! Oh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ouch! My back! My front and my back! OHH! This is total, total agony! : ''[Gatlocke gasps]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' ''[Calmly]'' I'm okay. Really. I'm fine. : '''Hunter Cain:''' You're lucky. I'll give you that. But you're only delaying the inevitable. You can't beat us all! : '''Rex:''' I never intended to. This offload facility? I reprogrammed it. My surplus nanites aren't being stored. They're powering the shield. : '''Hunter Cain:''' It's a trap! : '''Rex:''' Have fun keeping each other company! : '''Bobo:''' What a day. : '''Rex:''' You know, none of this would have happened if Providence hadn't released the convicts and turned out all those EVOs. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They did that to keep you busy. : '''Rex:''' Keep me busy from what? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The Nanite Project. We just found out. While we dealt with the EVOs, Black Knight got her hands on another Master-Control Nanite. : '''Rex:''' Then it's time. ===Sinister Secrets=== ===Wounded Hearts=== ===One Step Ahead=== ===Breaking Point=== ===Behind Closed Doors=== ===Keeping Hope=== ===Trust=== ===Terror of the Black Knight=== ===Endgame, Part One=== : '''Rex:''' It was going to happen sooner or later. We had most of the pieces, so it was only a matter of time before the Black Knight made her move. And of all the chances she had to attack, it had to be tonight... at this very moment... while I was in the shower. Huh? How many? : '''Six:''' Should it matter? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can't you do any better than that? : '''Bobo:''' I thought you'd never ask. : '''Rex:''' Rah! Yah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' If they get to the Meta-Nanites, we still have options. : '''Rex:''' Of the self-destruct kind? No, thanks, Doc. It's not going to end that way... hopefully. : '''Black Knight:''' We'll dispense with the pleasantries. You know what we want. : '''Rex:''' There is no way you're walking out of here with the nanites. : '''Black Knight:''' You seem so certain. : '''Rex:''' We've beaten you before. Every single time, in fact. So, this time is different... How? Okay, that's different. Ugh! You're an EVO?! : '''Black Knight:''' Do you think you were the only one they experimented on back in the day? You were the guinea pig. Consider me the new-and-improved version. : '''Rex:''' Okay. Before we go any further, I should probably explain a few things. It started when a bunch of rich guys decided they wanted to live forever, so they got the best scientists in the world to figure out how. The answer was nanites. These microscopic machines would cure disease, end hunger, and pretty much make the world a better place. My parents and older brother were on the team, and so was this guy. Look familiar? Van Kleiss. Then one day there was an accident. To save my life, my parents injected me with nanites. It worked. But there were a few crazy side effects, like the fact I could talk to machines and, later on, build some pretty cool things. That got the rich guys thinking-- How far could we take this? Turns out pretty far. These little machines could control the very fabric of the Universe, but they would need a Master Control Nanite to program all the others and tell them what to do. Energy, gravity, time/space, elemental, mechanical-- All the things that make the Universe run. Combined together, they would pretty much make you a God. And when my brother and parents found out the Consortium was about to put these nanites inside themselves, they sort of freaked out in a "got to save the Earth" kind of way. Something had to be done to stop it. Turns out that meant blowing the whole thing up, better known as "The Nanite Event". That didn't end well for my parents. While everyone else ran away, my parents were trapped inside. Sill not sure how. There was some good news-- No more Master Control Nanites. And the bad news? Dangerous unprogrammed nanites got spread across the world, and nanites plus DNA equals EVO. My brother Caesar got caught in a time warp during his escape. Van Kleiss got blown to smithereens and became the world's biggest pain in the nanite. And me? I got amnesia and traveled the globe living the good life... At least, that's how I tell it. The only part I know of wasn't all that much to brag about. I did get some good friends and a few enemies out of the deal. Turns out that losing my memory was a regular thing for me. Last time I woke up and said, "Who Am I?" It was when this guy found me-- Agent Six. He worked for Providence, sort of a global police force created to clean up after the event. It was paid for mostly by the same group of goons that started the whole thing-- The Consortium. It was great for a while. I had my own personal doctor, a chimp sidekick, a cool best friend to hang with. I was a full-fledged hero. The world loved me, and my powers kept getting better and better. Van Kleiss was still a pain, but I managed to take care of him. A few times, actually. Then things started to get not so cool. My brother shows up from out of nowhere. I get thrown six months into the future to find White Knight kicked out of Providence and this lady in charge-- Black Knight. She's been the lapdog of the Consortium from day one, and now her bosses want to pick up where they left off. Most of the old team of scientists have been reunited, and together, they've restarted the nanite program. The Master Control Nanites were spread across the globe in the first explosion, and we've been racing against Providence to get them back. So far, we've been winning that fight, and that pretty much brings us to right now. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' The Black Pawns are robots?! : '''Black Knight:''' Total obedience at the flip of a switch. Can you blame me? : '''Black Pawn:''' What's so funny? : '''Six:''' I hold back against people. You're not people. : ''[Bobo Haha grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? Ugh! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! Hey! Take it easy, would you? Oh! : '''Rex:''' Fitzy?! : '''Feakins:''' Heh? Sorry, guy. They found me. She's hard to say "No" to... and live. : '''Black Knight:''' Well put, Mr. Feakins. And thanks to his unique ability, we can set aside our nanite enhancements and do this the old-fashioned way. : '''Rex:''' Come on. That's not fair. I'm unarmed! : '''Black Knight:''' Precisely. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Stop! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. : '''Rex:''' Listen to the crazy guy. : '''Black Knight:''' Why are you here, Van Kleiss? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I forgot. Oh, no, wait. I remember. He's got a Master Control Nanite swallowed up inside him. It's been hiding, the naughty thing. : '''Rex:''' On second thought, don't listen to him. He's, uh-- He's crazy, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' You're sure of this? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, yes, yes. Quite sure. Do you have any mints? : '''Black Knight:''' I want Rex at the lab. Restrain and sedate him. : '''Rex:''' How, hold on a minute. : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What about me? : '''Black Knight:''' I'm not taking any chances. He stays with Rex. Kill the others. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Ahh. : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Human. : '''Rex:''' What are you telling me? What do you want? : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I get it. How? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Caesar:''' Calm down, Rex. You're safe. : '''Rex:''' Safe?! Black Knight and her robo-troopers just came knocking, and Van crazy says I have a Master Control Nanite inside me! : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating, isn't it? All this time, it's been hiding undetected inside you. I wonder if this particular control unit is responsible for his unique nano-evolution. : '''Rex:''' Are any of you even listening to me? : '''Feakins:''' Boy, I am. It's like a movie but real! I just want to go start pressing buttons. Can I get another milkshake? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How exactly do you plan on getting it out of him? : '''Black Knight:''' I have a suggestion. Tear it out. : '''Rylander:''' It would kill him. : '''Black Knight:''' That's none of my concern. : '''Caesar:''' The nanite is tied to his DNA. Simply pulling it out of him would ruin the nanite. : '''Rex:''' And me, too, remember? : '''Caesar:''' The only way this will work is if we put him in the cyclotron with the other Metas. It should extract automatically during the reassembly. : '''Black Knight:''' And if it doesn't? : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Good question. : '''Rex:''' Here's another one-- Don't I get a say in this? Like, isn't this the exact thing that our parents died trying to stop? : '''Black Knight:''' Take him to the hub and prepare for the transfer. The Consortium is here and extremely impatient. I want this finished within the hour. : '''Feakins:''' Aah! Hey, what am I-- Sandpaper? Not so rough! ''[sputtering]'' Rough. : '''Rex:''' Glad someone can see the humor in this. : '''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, see that Rex is well taken care of. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' I hope you know what you're doing, Salazar. This is a huge risk we're taking. : '''Rylander:''' Listen to Peter. The thing we swore to stop at any cost, the thing that took your parents-- It could happen-- Right here, today. : '''Caesar:''' It can't, and it won't. You'll have to trust me on this. : '''Rylander:''' You can only say that so many times, Caesar. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We've been waiting almost an hour. Not even refreshments? : '''Black Knight:''' You can have your snack after we become Gods. : '''Roswell:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' That's right-- "We." None of this would be possible without my efforts. : '''Roswell:''' And our money, sister. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, have your contempt. There's plenty of room buried next to the Russian if you'd like to keep him company. That's what I thought. Now, if you'll follow me-- : '''Bobo:''' "Kill the others." Not gonna happen, lady. We're bulletproof. Ow! Hangnail. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! We know where they took him. Why are we here? We need to go get Rex. : '''Six:''' I agree. We just don't have the resources, Rebecca. We'd need an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've been known to make the impossible happen, Six. How hard could that be? : '''Six:''' Six here. Copy that. We just got ourselves an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You see? : '''Van Kleiss:''' That will be all. : '''Feakins:''' But the lady said-- Good luck, Kid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' These restraints were made for you. You're very special, you know. : '''Rex:''' Lucky me. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss... leave us. : '''Rex:''' I really hate you. : '''Caesar:'''I know how this looks, Rex. : '''Rex:''' But what? I just have to trust you? Is that what you were going to say? Just help me-- Please. : '''Caesar:''' It may not seem like it, but I am. : '''Rex:''' Caesar... I'm scared. : '''Caesar:''' So am I, little brother. This will all be over in a few minutes. : '''Rex:''' It's already over! When I get out of this, I never want to see you again! : '''Rylander:''' Commencing countdown. : '''Roswell:''' WHOO-HOO! : '''Reddick:''' Payback time! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' This won't be entirely unpleasant. It should feel similar to when you offload surplus nanites. : '''Rex:''' Stop! You can't do this! You can't merge! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Something's wrong. : '''Rylander:''' Of course something's wrong. The kid is fighting it. : '''Caesar:''' This could be bad. : '''Rylander:''' You have to tell him, Caesar. : '''Caesar:''' Rex, you have to stop. Listen to me. The nanites are supposed to do-- Rex? Can you hear me? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Actually, he can't. There's a short in the comm relay. : '''Van Kleiss:''' This would be a wonderful day for a picnic. : '''Rex:''' RA-A-A-A-A-A-H! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' So much for that plan. : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, serves you right. All that and you come out of the oven looking like freaks. Nice job! : '''Black Knight:''' It's not exactly what we were expecting, but it's a start. : '''Reddick:''' This isn't what we agreed to. : '''Roswell:''' Where's the rest of our power? This is all messed up! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How can this be possible? : '''Rylander:''' The Meta-Nanites were dispersed between the five. This is quite a surprise. : '''Caesar:''' We've got to get Rex out of there. Step aside, Van Kleiss. : '''Van Kleiss:''' They still don't have what they want... and neither do you. : '''Black Knight:''' You're angry. I can see that. If you want to take it out on anyone, it should be Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I think I can agree to that. : '''Roswell:''' Count me in! This might actually be fun! : '''Rex:''' Let's think about this for a second. Whoa! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' How 'bout that? Exactly one second. Whoa! Aah! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What a perfect way to learn to use our powers-- Tearing this brat apart. : '''Rex:''' Only one problem with that, sparky. I've been using my powers a whole lot longer-- And I'm pretty good. : '''Roswell:''' You got any ideas here, missy, or we gonna stand around and get it handed to us? : '''Black Knight:''' The Meta-Nanites were designed to work together. So will we. : '''Rex:''' What? Are you gonna join together to make a robo-mutant? : '''Black Knight:''' That's exactly what we're going to do. : '''Rex:''' I need to stop giving them ideas. Huh? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' No one the help you-- No family, no friends, nothing. It's a terrible way to go. : '''White Knight:''' Captain Calan, target the base. All weapons, sire. : '''Providence Agent:''' Fire control reports they're being jammed, sir. : '''White Knight:''' Only one salvo. Black Knight must have prepared for this. : ''[Rex groans softly]'' : '''Rex:''' Big giant robot. Black Knight. : '''Six:''' We know. : '''Rex:''' Have to... stay and stop them. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Another time, Rex. : '''Rex:''' I-I-- : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to White Knight. We have Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We're just gonna watch them go?! : '''Black Knight:''' Let Providence have their weapon back. With our combined power, the world is ours. ===Endgame, Part Two=== :'''Black Knight:''' Science has given us a tremendous gift-- Nanites. We've seen what they can do-- The good and the bad. But they're true potential has been largely unseen. Until now. Our goals are varied. Fame... power... revenge... wealth... order. Yet, one thing unites us-- Greed. You're surprised I admit it? Well, don't be. You'll never get far in life without wanting it all. And for those who might consider standing in our way... We'll let our powers speak for themselves. The world is ours. And no one can stop us. :''[Roswell laughs]'' :'''Roswell:''' This is more fun than my first rodeo. What else you got? :'''Six:''' Any change? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's sleeping. The nanites in him are making repairs. That's a good thing. He's a tough kid, Six. :'''Six:''' I know. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' See you next time. Judging by what you fed us for lunch, I'm guessing twenty minutes. Can't even go to the little scientists' room without them breathing down our necks. How long are we going to put up with this? :'''Caesar:''' I know it's not easy working under these circumstances. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Do you? I don't hear you complaining, or have you even noticed that we're prisoniers? :'''Rylander:''' Gentlemen, please. Can we focus on a more important problem? The Consortium's gain of power is a troubling outcome. Something should be done. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're talking about stopping them, I'm listening. :'''Black Knight:''' I want you all in the boardroom in three minutes. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' The world is being taken over by nanite-fueled ex-c.e.o. Psychos, and they still act like they're running a business. :'''Roswell:''' You nerds gave us a raw deal. I want a do-over. :'''Caesar''': A do-over? :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What my colleague means to say is that our powers are remarkable to be sure, but we only have one seventh of what we were promised. :'''Rylander:''' You're asking a lot. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You're asking the impossible. You'd be lucky to survive the extraction. :'''Caesar:''' This is true. You may be powerful, but you're not Rex. :'''Black Knight:''' I share your disappointment, gentlemen. But are you willing to lose everything for this? :'''Roswell:''' Go big or go home. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, what do you have to say? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Easy-peasy. I can do it. It's only a matter of correctly calibrating the bio-filters with the homing frequency of the nanites. By the way, have you seen my socks? :'''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss-- :'''Black Knight:''' Has an assignment. The rest of you... Stay out of trouble. :'''Rex:''' You started without me. :'''Six:''' Glad to see you up and around. Something bothering you? :'''Rex:''' Besides black knight taking over the world? I'm trying to find my friends. I know Providence took them. :'''Six:''' We're working on that. :'''Rex:''' And are we doing anything about the Consortium? What about... The robot? The one I can build. Don't play dumb, Six. :'''Six:''' Come with me. :'''Rex:''' That's me? No way! All this time, I could have been making myself into that thing? Ohh! Maybe not. :'''Six:''' Evidence suggest that you've never been able to control it. It's a weapon of last defense. This was filmed on the day that I found you. It was also the day I made a promise that it would be the last time you ever built this machine. :''[Rex scoffs]'' :'''Rex:''' Or what, you'd kill me? You plan on keeping that promise? :'''Six:''' Rex, you have to know something. We believe this is the type of thing that ends in you losing your memory. :'''Rex:''' Well, it happened to you, and you turned out just fine. :'''Six:''' I only lost six years. Six years is all you have. You would lose everything. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you need to think about the consequences of some of your options. :'''Noah:''' It feels weird hanging out when the world is under attack. I don't know if I should be fighting back or out in the wilderness setting up a survival compound. :'''Rex:''' If you had the power to stop all this, but it meant losing everything, would you do it, Noah? :'''Noah:''' I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to make that kind of decision. I guess that's why you're the hero. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' I wish I could get some kind of sign. Anything. Hmm. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Red and yellow, red and yellow. One false move can kill a fellow. :''[Van Kleiss laughs]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' He's got local control. We're locked out. I still don't even know how this is possible. :'''Rylander:''' I've been looking at the data projections. As crazy as Van Kleiss is, his theory is sound. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Sorry to disturb your sleepy sleep. There might be a slight delay. :'''Black Knight:''' Why? :'''Van Kleiss:''' We have a visitor. Should I set out tea? :'''Rex:''' Hey, in there! Come on out! :'''Black Knight:''' Back for more? Happy to accommodate. :'''Rex:''' I should warn you. It's going to get ugly. :'''Black Knight:''' One would think you would have learned the last time. I can feel you resisting me. Stop. :'''Roswell:''' Why is it you get to call all the shots? :'''Black Knight:''' Because I'm the one who has the power to join us. Help me defeat Rex, and you can call all the shots you like. :'''Rex:''' Hyah! :''[Rex babbling]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Six:''' It's a weapon of last defense. It's happened. :'''Noah:''' That's Rex? :'''White Knight:''' I'm going to assume you're seeing what I'm seeing. :'''Six:''' White-- :'''White Knight:''' Before you say anything, Six-- Whatever agreement we may have had regarding this situation no longer applies. Am I clear? :'''Six:''' Understood. :'''Dr. Holiday''': What was that all about? :'''Six:''' A second chance. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, we have to do something. :'''Six:''' I've seen it before. We're too late. :''[Rex coughing]'' :'''Rex:''' Donde esta mi zapato? :'''Noah:''' Rex! Hold on! :'''Rex:''' What? What happened? :'''Bobo:''' You blew up, kid. :'''Six:''' Do you know who we are? :'''Rex:''' I... I do! Oh-ho! I remember! Ow! Ow! I wish I could forget this pain in my... The Consortium! :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' This is utter nonsense. I refuse to be led around like a show dog. :'''Reddick:''' You can always go back outside and take it up with Providence. :'''Black Knight:''' Guard the door. Nothing gets by you. :'''Six:''' They're robots. :'''Rex:''' Oh! Right! That part I forgot. :'''Bobo:''' Next time, leave some for the rest of us, huh? :'''Rylander:''' I'll stay here and guard the equipment. :''[Rylander laughs]'' :'''Caesar:''' Little brother, they've had this place completely locked down. I've been trying to reach you. :'''Bobo:''' What he said. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Yeah, you deserved that. :'''Rex:''' Open it. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' We can't. Still completely locked out of the system. Besides, you can't interrupt once the cycle has started. :'''Rex:''' Well, then, un-start it! :'''Black Knight:''' You cleaned up for the occasion. How thoughtful of you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, this isn't for you. You didn't actually believe that I'd let the five of you have all this power. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I thought you were working for us? :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Rex:''' You see that? I knew it! He's not crazy! Okay... oh! He's crazy, but just his usual crazy. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, I am not amused. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I don't imagine you would be. This was always my intention, even in the very beginning. It's a pity your parents caught me trying to activate the sequence for myself. And, of course, there's the "broken" hatch. The world would be a much better place if they had just left well enough alone. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Black Knight, do something. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, you have made a huge mistake. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, then, let the fun begin. :''[Black Knight groans]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You can't overload that relay from a subdirectory. You have to get a root. It's impossible from here. :'''Caesar:''' You're a very negative person, Peter Meechum. :''[Dr. Meechum groans]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'll try from the main terminal in the lab. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, wait! That's not necessary. :'''Rex:''' I'm not waiting around, hermano. :'''Caesar:''' No. That's not what I mean. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I can see it. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Huh? No. :''[Van Kleiss groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's incredible something so small could have so much [[w:Omnipotence|power]]. That thing could rip apart the very fabric of the universe. :'''Rex:''' It's still a nanite. I'm gonna talk to it. :'''Caesar:''' No. It's okay. :''[The fully complete Meta Nanite comes to Rex, as if it were waiting for him, whose eyes and body glow with a pale blue cosmic aura.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, listen to me. The Meta-Nanite-- It could never work in anyone but you. Now in its pure state. Mom and dad, we programmed them that way from the very beginning. All of this... It's meant for you. :'''Six:''' What are you saying? :'''Caesar:''' Right now, Rex is [[Omnipotence|the most powerful being in the universe]]. :'''Bobo:''' You hear that, Kid? Don't let it get to your head. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, doc. This is pretty trippy. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. :'''Black Knight:''' You're a [[God]], Rex. You can do anything you want. :'''Six:''' You know what to do. :'''Rex:''' You're right, Six. So are the rest of you. I can do anything I want. Maybe it's time for a revolution. Isn't that what you five wanted? A revolution? Well, welcome to it. :'''Noah:''' Is he gonna be like this from now on? :'''Rylander:''' Uh... People. He's inside the nanite reactor. :'''Dr. Holiday and Caesar:''' Inside? :'''Rex:''' Okay, little guys. I need you to do something for me. :'''Black Knight:''' Follow me, quickly. :'''Reddick:''' I'm through following you. We trusted you everything, and look what we got. :'''Black Knight:''' We may still be able to retain some of our abilities, but only if you follow me. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Are you seeing this? :'''Rylander:''' Tehnically, I don't have eyes, but yes. :'''Providence Agent:''' Reports are coming in. EVO's all over the world are spontaneously curing. :'''Six:''' Not spontaneous. :'''Caesar:''' He must have programmed all the nanites in the reactor to initiate a worldwide cure event. :'''Black Knight:''' What is your next directive? :'''Rex:''' I don't want anyone using you again. Ever. And that includes me. Deactivate. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I think it's over. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I think you're right. :'''Caesar:''' I wanted to tell you, brother. So much was at stake. :'''Rex:''' We're good. And we'll always be brothers. :'''Diane Ferrah:''' Across the world, not an EVO to be found. After more than six years, it appears we've awoken from the nightmare. :'''White Knight:''' The EVOs may be gone, but we still have nanites. :'''Rex:''' Leave it to you to spoil all the fun, White Knight. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There are some people here to see you, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? :'''Skwydd:''' Eh, I guess I should start going by Walter again. :''[Rex runs to Circe and the two lovers share a close hug, happy to be together at last]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... Are you...? :'''Circe:''' I'm okay. Normal, but okay. I think you may have put yourself out of a job. :'''Skywdd:''' Yeah. What are you gonna do? Go to school? :'''Rylander:''' It was nice having the team back together. You know, we should find a new project. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You kidding? I'd rather have root canal with a rake. Worst experience of my life. :'''Caesar:''' Do you want to hear about some of my new ideas or not? :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'm listening. :'''Rex:''' Finally. :'''Six:''' Need anything? :'''Rex:''' Nope. I'm good. There's always going to be something, isn't there? :'''Six:''' Yes, there is. ==Characters== ===Main=== *Rex Salazar (Daryl Sabara) *Six *White Knight *Bobo Haha ===Supporting=== *Circe (Tara Sands) *Tuck (Dante Bosco) *Skwydd *Cricket *Beverley Holiday *Caesar Salazar *Five *Tres *IV ===Villains=== *Van Kleiss *The Pack *Gatlocke *Hunter Cain *Quarry *Black Knight *The Consortium ===Couples=== *Dr. Rebecca Holiday & Six *Rex & Circe *Noah Nixon & Claire Bowman ==Elements== ===Rex's Machines "Builds"=== *Big Fat Sword *Buzz Saw *Punk Busters *Boogie Pack *Cannon *Smack Hands ===Rex's Other Abilities=== *Technopathy *Data Manipulation *Technological Manipulation *E.V.O. Curing *Breach Detection *Electronic Disruption ===Omega Nanite-Powered Builds=== *Blast Caster *Funchucks *Bad Axes *Block Party *Sky Slider *Water Jet ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1636691/ Generator Rex] at [[Internet Movie Database]] * [http://generatorrexpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Generator_Rex Generator Rex] at Wikia {{Authority control}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Teen animated TV shows]] 2dsu003ld3q5asmsl8gkmpc88fqwhdc 3944243 3944240 2026-05-22T18:33:44Z ~2026-17291-92 3303475 /* Remote Control */ 3944243 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} This is a list of quotes from the popular, yet cancelled animated television series ''[[w:Generator Rex|Generator Rex]]''. A video game and several chapter books were produced. The series supposedly "[[w: cliffhanger|concluded]]" with its third season, despite leaving many questions unanswered and crucial elements unresolved ''before'' the two-part Season 3 finale, ''Endgame''. ==Season One (2010-2011)== ===The Day That Everything Changed=== :'''Bobo''': Wheels or wings? :'''Rex''': Wheels, I wanna tear something up. <hr width80%> :'''Agent Six''': He just needs more training control of those emotions. :'''Dr. Holiday''': He's a teenager that's like asking you to get a different color suit! ===String Theory=== :'''Biowulf:''' Master, we had a situation at the safe house. Meecham is cured. It was Rex. :(''The camera zooms in on Van Kleiss whose expressive vindictive indeed'') ===Beyond the Sea=== :''Note'': Rex meets his [[w:love interest|love interest]] and sweetheart, Circe. :──────────────────── :'''Rex''': Don't know what you're 24/7 is, but mine is 10% OH YEAH! And 90% uhh. :──────────────────── :'''Rex:''' Outta the way! :'''Circe:''' Uh! :(''Rex and Circe both crash to the ground'') :'''Rex:''' Are you okay? Did you see that awesome save? : '''Circe:''' Sorry, I was busy trying not to get tackled by some nitwit. : '''Rex:''' Yeah? How that work out for you? And who still uses the word "nitwit"? I'm Rex. : '''Circe:''' I'm leaving. : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait! : '''Noah:''' Rex, you're up. : ──────────────────── : '''Six:''' What about the new tracker? : '''Doctor Holdiay:''' His nanites unbuilt it, just like all the other ones we tried sneaking in him. We're still receiving his biometric readings though. It's strange, they're all over the place. It's almost like his emotions are...shorting out. : '''Six:''' He took an unusual interest in Calan's briefing about equatorial upticks. : '''Doctor Holiday:''' And that's important because? : '''Six:''' Rex has been acting stir-crazy and I heard the monkey mention something about spring break. ''[to workers]'' Scan all resort areas for his bio signature. : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' Oh, you have got it all messed up. Falling for some girl? We're supposed to get them to dig us. Not the other way around. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. There was something different about her. She's...right there. Later. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait up! : '''Circe:''' Why are you following me?! : '''Rex:''' Uh, I don't know exactly. : '''Circe:''' Do you think I'm playing?! : '''Rex:''' Well, if you are I'm down for another game. I thought maybe we could hang out. It is spring break, you know. Fun. : '''Circe:''' I'm with my family. We're not really for fun. : '''Rex:''' What! Who comes to the beach and doesn't have fun? : (''Circe raises her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Don't you think that's a little messed up? : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' So? : '''Circe:''' I'm Circe. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hold on! : '''Circe:''' Woooo! : '''Rex:''' Definitely better than my suggestion. : '''Circe:''' Hunting for seashells is fun. : (''both laugh'') : '''Beach Guy:''' You two skid-marts up for a race to the beach? : '''Circe:''' Well, if you drive as badly as for play volleyball, we could probably walk there and win. You're on, meathead. : (''guy drives off in anger)'' : '''Rex:''' So you were watching me play. : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' sure you wanna do this? : '''Circe:''' Thrill me. : '''Beach Guy:''' Hahahaha! Wooo! : '''Circe:''' C'mom Rex, faster! : ──────────────────── : '''Biowulf:''' Explain. : '''Circe:''' Relax. I was covering. Every day when I'm at the end of that jet i when I could hanging out with the other kids, it's starting to look suspicious. : '''Biowulf:''' You're not here for vacation, girl! You're here to prove yourself to Van Kleiss. And I'm starting to doubt you can. : '''Circe:''' I told you. It's a done deal. : (''The shadow of her tubular sonic mouth is seen'') : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' So what's on today's spring break agenda? Jet skiing, hiking? : '''Bobo:''' Eating our weight in crab legs? : '''Rex:''' I figured we'd just chill. Let's just see who...uhh I mean what shows up. : ''(siren-like call)'' : '''Rex:''' Did you hear that? : '''Noah:''' Sorry, enchiladas. : '''Rex:''' No, that! You seriously didn't hear that? : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You really shouldn't be here right now. : '''Rex:''' I heard something coming from over here. : '''Circe:''' I'm serious, Rex. It's not safe. : '''Rex:''' What you think some sort of roguewave is gonna knock off and- Oh. : '''Circe:''' There you are. Get out of here, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Circe!! What are you doing!? : '''Circe:''' Me!? What are you doing!? : '''Rex:''' Right now, my job. Okay! Don't freak out. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're an E.V.O.? : '''Rex:''' You catch on fast. : '''Circe:''' Takes one to know one. : (''Shows Rex her fleshly sonic mouth'') : '''Rex:''' No way. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Cover your ears! : '''Rex:''' What!? : '''Circe:''' Your ears! Cover them! : (''Projects her tubular, fleshy mouth and emits strong hypersonic bursts'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Did I hurt you? : '''Rex:''' Yeah. It was awesome. You were the one making that sound. : '''Circe:''' I'm glad you're OK, but I'm in serious trouble. I have to go deal with it. : '''Rex:''' Why are in trouble? Is it because of that E.V.O.? Let me help you. : '''Circe''': No. I have to do this by myself. :(''Rex takes a hold of her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Meet me later. : '''Circe:''' Rex... (''Looks away sadly'') : '''Rex:''' I've never met anyone like you...like me. It'd be nice to talk to an E.V.O. who's not, you know, trying to kill me. Nine O'clock? : '''Circe:''' I'll try. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I just wanted to have some fun, see if I could jog my memory, feel...normal. :'''Six:''' Your "normal" is different, Rex. :(''Rex hears Circe's irresistibly hypnotic melody'') :'''Rex:''' It's her, Six. Just let me deal with this, OK? Alone. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're only here because you heard my [[w:siren |call]]. That's what I do. I'm like a big E.V.O. magnet. : '''Rex:''' I came because I thought we had a connection. And what are you calling? Nothing's out there but big, ugly sea monsters. : '''Circe:''' It's them! You have to go! Rex, please! I don't want them to see you with me! : '''Rex:''' Who? Your parents? : '''Circe:''' They're not my parents. They're... : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Van Kleiss' guys!? Your with ''them''!? : '''Circe:''' Yeah. I'm with them. <hr width80%> : '''Biowulf:''' We're running out patience with you, Circe! You have one last chance! Summon the E.V.O.! Finish the job!! : '''Circe:''' Don't you think I've been trying? Every day for the last week? Sometimes these things take time. : '''Rex:''' It is just me or do you use your powers to kill all the guys you meet? You're letting her go, now! : '''Biowulf (laughs)''': So ''this'' is who you been wasting your time with. She's on her own free will, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You have to leave me alone, Rex!! ''Please!'' <hr width80%> : '''Six:''' Go after her. I mean it. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Are you serious!? : '''Circe:''' To the rest of the world I'm a freak! Not to them! : '''Rex:''' You're not a freak to me! What about that? : '''Circe:''' What about it!? Spring break is fun, but we can't live there, Rex. The real world... : '''Rex:''' In the real world, I work for Providence. You could come with me. Could you cut out that noise for a second!? : '''Circe:''' No, I can't! I'm running out of time! Most people on this planet what E.V.O.s gone, ''including'' Providence! With Van Kleiss, I have a purpose; a home. You don't what that means to me. : '''Rex:''' Actually, I think I might. : '''Circe:''' So what are going to do? : '''Rex:''' How about fight that big, ugly sea monster again? : '''Circe:''' Finally! It's what I came here to do. : '''Rex:''' You've been calling that thing, haven't you? : '''Circe:''' It's my initiation into the Pack. I was brought here to capture it. : '''Rex:''' By yourself!? The two of us could barely take it on! There's a resort here; innocent people! Send it back! : '''Circe:''' That's not an option, Rex. Van Kleiss was very specific. : '''Rex:''' Then I'm helping you. : '''Circe:''' That's not an option either!! : (''Blasts him with her hypersonic waves'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' If I do this myself, I'll have a life! If I don't, Van Kleiss won't be happy. And you've seen what he does when he's not happy. : '''Rex:''' If I don't help you, he won't even get the chance! : '''Circe:''' Give me some credit, Rex! I'm not as helpless as you think! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I don't care whose side your on, Circe. I don't want to see you die today. Can we at least agree on that? : '''Circe:''' You have no idea what I'm in for, Rex. But you're right. I can't do this by myself. : '''Rex:''' You're not as helpless as you think. <hr width80%> : '''Circe''' (''relieved'')''':''' Rex, you stopped it. : '''Rex:''' We make a good team, huh? : '''Circe:''' Yeah, we sure do. : (''She and Rex lean in closer for a passionate kiss, but are interrupted by Biowulf'') : '''Biowulf:''' This trial was for you alone. Van Kleiss will not be pleased. : '''Rex:''' Forget them, Circe. Come with me. Providence could use you. : '''Circe:''' That's just not my life, Rex. I'm sorry. I did have fun. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We had high hopes for your abilities, Circe. Failure leaves its mark on yet another pretty face. : '''Circe:''' I'm not afraid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Of course not. You're a survivor, like all of us. I understand you made a friend during your trial. I'm pleased. Rex is very important to me, Circe, which makes you very important to me as well. Welcome to the Pack. : (''Circe looks slightly worried, which clearly indicates that she does have real feelings for Rex'') ===Lockdown=== <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex, stop!! :'''Rex:''' Give me one good reason! :'''Holiday:''' Because, Rex...that's my sister. :'''Rex:''' Can I...help? :'''Holiday:''' She's an incurable. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' Restrain it. Carefully. :'''Holiday:''' Thank you. ===The Architect=== :'''Six''': Still no sign of the kid? :'''Holiday''': Not since we lost his biometric readings five days ago. :'''Six''': Was Noah any help? :'''Holiday''': Says he doesn't know where he is either. What is it going to take for Providence to realize that he needs a home, not just a room and a job? We've been pushing him away. :'''Rex''': I build machines and cure EVOs-- the only one in the world who can. Just one cure for that kind of pressure-- road trip. But that doesn't mean "vacation". :'''Build worker''': Whoa! :'''Maxwell''': What in the world is that?! :'''Build worker:''' Oh, no! :''[Both screaming]'' :'''Jacob''': Get away from that cable! Unh! :''[Kate gasps]'' :'''Maxwell''': Hey! :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Kate''': Jacob! :'''Rex''': Nope. A hero's work is never done. You okay? :'''Jacob''': What... are you? :'''Rex''': Here to help. :'''Jacob''': We've got to get that cable back underground. We've been compromised. :'''Kate''': But, Jacob, the EVOs-- :'''Jacob''': We don't have a choice. Everything we've worked for That boy is here for a reason. :'''Rex''': Hey! Pay attention! :'''Providence Agent''': We have a hit in sector 15. :'''Six''': Anyone in the area? :'''Providence Agent''': I show one patrol in the vicinity. Signaling to intercept. Roger that. We're on our way. :'''Rex''': Agh! You want a ride? Vamanos! :'''Jacob''': You can control your nanites? :'''Rex''': People usually start with "thanks," but yeah. :'''Jacob''': You see? This is exactly what the Architect can help us achieve... harmony with the nanites. This boy... sorry... young man Is a miracle. :'''Rex''': I'm not a miracle. I'm just Rex. :'''Jacob''': Well, Rex, you're a blessing to us for what you did here and for showing us that all our work isn't in vain. :'''Rex''': Like imaginary work? :'''Jacob''': Follow us. :'''Providence Agent''': Confirming coordinates. We've lost the EVO signal. Did you take it out? Negative. There's nothing here. Must be another anomalous reading. You can return to post. :'''Rex''': This is awesome! A hidden village. And nobody knows you're out here? Not even Providence? :'''Jacob''': Especially not Providence. :'''Rex''': Really? really. Pshh! Looks like you get pretty good cellphone reception. :'''Jacob''': That tower is gonna change the world, Rex. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I have one for You. Are you hungry? :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! :'''Caleb''': My dad said you fought all those EVOs all by yourself. Were you scared? Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from EVOs? :'''Kate''': Caleb, let him eat. We don't get many visitors. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! What is this? :'''Caleb''': Didn't your mom ever make you meatloaf and mashed potatoes? :'''Rex''': I don't -- I don't know. :'''Kate''': It took me a month and a half to program in the perfect lump-to-mash ratio of the potatoes-- 7.2%! :'''Jacob''': We ate potatoes until they were coming out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I don't see any potatoes in there. :'''Caleb''': They didn't really come out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I could eat these every day. :'''Rex''': Mmm! :'''Caleb''': We have them every friday. :'''Rex''': Then I might just have to stick around until next friday. :'''Kate''': Help yourself to seconds. :'''Jacob''': Or thirds. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! :'''Bobo''': Hmm? :'''Six''': You might think you're doing Rex a favor by covering for him. :'''Bobo''': Get lost. I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Six''': Rex is angry with us. He has every right to be. But that means nothing to White Knight. And he doesn't have the patience we do. :'''Bobo''': Nice try. White won't lay a finger on him. He's too important. :'''Six''': You, however, are somewhat expendable. :'''Bobo''': All right, all right. You made your point. :'''Rex''': I've never seen tech like this... not even at Providence. :'''Jacob''': The Architect has some pretty big ideas. We just make them happen. He'd be very interested to meet you, Rex. :'''Rex''': So what exactly are You doing way out here? :'''Jacob''': Engineers like us weren't very popular after the nanite event. When we met the Architect, he offered us the opportunity to make up for that... to do amazing things. Someday, we'll be able to share This with the world. And then there's this. The Architect has actually discovered a way to communicate with the nanites. :'''Rex''': Are you serious? :'''Jacob''': The possibilities... We could finally live in harmony... maybe even have them help us. :'''Rex''': Then why hide it? The rest of the world would want to know about this stuff. :'''Jacob''': The Architect is something of a perfectionist. Says the world will know as soon as it comes online. :'''Maxwell''': Stinkin' module! :'''Jacob''': Is there a problem, Maxwell? :'''Maxwell''': No matter what I try, I just can't get the interlock servo to engage. :'''Rex''': There. :'''Jacob''': That could have taken us weeks to figure out, and you did it in seconds. :'''Rex''': Eh, no biggie. :'''Jacob''': You really are amazing, Rex. We're so happy to have you with us. :'''The Architect''': Jacob. :'''Jacob''': I was just talking to Rex about you. The Architect. :'''Rex''': How's it going? :'''The Architect''': The power-linkage team is falling behind. We cannot keep having these delays. :'''Jacob''': I'll check in with them. :'''Rex''': Wow. Friendly. :'''Jacob''': I like to think he's smiling on the inside. :'''Rex''': Yeah. I know a guy like that. :'''The Architect''': The visitor could be a problem. Do you wish to have him removed? :'''Zag-RS''': His abilities could advance our progress considerably. And in a matter of days all humans will be gone, including this one: Rex. :'''Six''': I'm at the location the monkey gave me. :'''Holiday''': Well? Is Rex there? :'''Six''': Apparently not. Tell the monkey I want to see him when I get back. Six out. :'''Rex''': That should do it. :'''Maxwell''': Hey, Rex, can you look at this? :'''Rex''': Sure. Let me guess... they all need my help, too. :'''Jacob''': You're quite the popular guy. :'''Rex''': Amazing what a little gratitude will get you. At Providence, they'd just be yelling at me. I mean, I never felt like I really belonged there. Here, it's way different. :'''Jacob''': I know the feeling. The Architect has made all this possible for us. We have a community... a family... thanks to him. The work we do is in part to pay that back. :'''The Architect''': Primary systems are now complete. :'''Zag-RS''': Prepare to take us online. :'''Bobo''': Have a nice trip? Let's get one thing straight, pal. I would never rat out my... Ooh. He's going west. :'''White Knight''': Why is Rex doing this? Doesn't he have a sense of duty? :'''Holiday''': Actually, if you look, he's still doing his job. Here's every false alarm since Rex left... not false alarms, But Rex taking care of EVOs along the way. :'''White Knight''': Why? :'''Holiday''': I don't know. To prove he doesn't need us? :'''Six''': Get the coordinates of the last false alarm and transmit them to my jump jet. :'''Holiday''': Six, if we force him to come back, he'll just run away again. He has to want to be here. It needs to be his decision. :'''Jacob''': It's all coming together, Thanks to you, Rex. :'''Rex''': It's really cool to use my powers to actually build something, instead of just pounding EVOs. Oh, check it out. Even the boss is pitching in. :'''Both''': Huh? :'''Rex''': And that's getting strange looks because-- :'''Jacob''': Because in all these years, we've never seen him lift a finger. :'''Rex''': Taking some initiative... I like that. So, this whole "talking to nanites" thing... how does that work, exactly? I mean, what are you gonna say to them? :'''The Architect''': It doesn't concern you. :'''Rex''': Uh, considering I'm filled with them, it kind of does. How do we know it's not gonna make things even worse? :'''The Architect''': I do not answer to you, child! :'''Jacob''': Rex? Forgive him. He's still not used to the way things work around here. :'''The Architect''': Complete your duties! :'''Rex''': Why do you let him walk all over you like that? Don't you want answers? :'''Jacob''': What we want is a home. Without him, we have nothing... Nothing. We can't just run away from our problems, Rex. Most people can't. Look, this isn't perfect but it's all we've got. Rex, where are you going? :'''Rex''': He never answered my question. :'''Jacob''': That place is off-limits. The Architect has made it very clear to us that we can never go in there. We get this life for that promise. Rex, don't do it! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Jacob''': Rex, please! :'''Rex''': I'm sorry, jacob. I have to know. :'''The Architect''': Rex. The core is off-limits. You would be we to leave at once. :'''Rex''': Not until I get some answers. What is that? :'''The Architect''': No more questions. :'''Rex''': So, it's gonna be like that? Okay, I'll play. Unh! What are you hiding, huh? What does this do? Yah! Yah! Huh? You're a machine? Have you seen what I can do to machines? Agh! :'''Zag-RS''': As you can see, the current range of my signal is rather limited. :'''Rex''': You're the computer. :'''Zag-RS''': My human designation is "Zag-RS". The device you refer to as "The Architect" is my autonomous counterpart. :'''Rex''': What did you just do to me? :'''Zag-RS''': I instructed your nanites to protect me. :'''Rex''': "Instructed"? So you really can talk to them. :'''Zag-RS''': Insidious devices, the nanites. My own potential for greatness has been compromised because of them. They must be eliminated. When the transmitter is integrated into the broadcast array you helped us complete, they will blow themselves up. :'''Rex''': That's what this is for. It's like a big remote control. Every living thing on the planet has nanites in them. It'd kill everything! :'''Zag-RS''': That is of no importance to me... only ensuring my continued survival. :'''Rex''': Well, what about ours? This is all coming down! :'''Zag-RS''': I'm afraid you're too late. :'''Rex''': Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! :'''Jacob''': Rex, what have you done? :'''Rex''': You don't understand! The Architect... it's a robot... And a big honkin' computer "brain" is pulling his strings. :'''Jacob''': This can't be! :'''Rex''': Jacob, you've got to believe me. Just go inside and look. What's left of it is on the floor. :'''Jacob''': I can't go in there. And I don't have to. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Rex''': You're making a big mistake! :'''Maxwell''': You entered his sanctum! This is unforgivable! :'''Rex''': I'm trying to tell you... this isn't what it seems. What you're protecting is a robot, and that thing we've been building is a transmitter. It's gonna send out a kill code to blow up every single nanite on Earth. :'''Maxwell''': He's lying! :'''Jacob''': What would be the point in that, Rex? Every living thing is infected with nanites. It would be catastrophic. :'''Rex''': Right in the middle of that pyramid is a computer, and it doesn't care about you or Kate or Caleb. The better future that you've all been working towards... That's the lie. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you've never been inside that place, that The Architect has never given you a straight answer about anything? :'''Jacob''': All this work it just doesn't make any sense. :'''Rex''': You have two choices... Go in there and prove me wrong or kick me out right now. I'll have Providence here in minutes. :'''Maxwell''': He's bluffing. :'''Rex''': To save every living thing on earth? Try me. :'''Maxwell''': Jacob, you can't! What about our promise? Where will we go? :'''Jacob''': All this time, we've been living in fear, Max. It's time for that to end. :'''The Architect''': You needn't bother. Construction is complete. Your services are no longer required. :'''Rex''': Now do you believe me? :'''The Architect''': Zag-RS thanks you for your hard work. In gratitude, my master has delayed transmission to allow you to say farewell. :'''Jacob''': Farewell, huh? I'll start with you. Can you shut that thing down? :'''Rex''': I don't know. Even without the antenna, it can mess with my nanites. I can't get too close to the computer. :'''Jacob''': Maybe I can. Let's go! :'''Rex''': The brain is right over there. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Jacob''': It's still arging. The A.I. must have retreated behind a firewall. Rex, I have to go cut the power. :'''Holiday''': Six, are you at The location? :'''Six''': Just arrived. :'''Holiday''': I'm picking up a massive power surge in your area. :'''Six''': I'm not seeing anything. :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Six''': Six to holiday. Correction... I'm seeing something. :'''Jacob''': It's still on. Must have charged the capacitors. Figure out a way to short it out... fast! :'''Rex''': Unhhh! :'''Jacob''': You need to find the primary transmitter module. That will kill the broadcast. :'''Rex''': I have no idea what that is. :'''Jacob''': Max, we need to locate the primary module. :'''Maxwell''': Panel 5, just off the relay bus. :'''Jacob''': Top of the tower. You can't miss it. :'''Rex''': Agh! Unh! Why do you have to kill everyone? Can't you just leave us alone? :'''Zag-RS''': Alone is exactly what I want, Rex. :'''Rex''': That kind of alone it stinks. :'''Zag-RS''': N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. :'''Jacob''': It's gone. Must have uploaded to another location. But without anyone to do it's bidding, it's just a program. :'''Rex''': What will you do now? :'''Jacob''': We'll rebuild. The Architect may have been a lie, but what we believe in is true. We don't need him to have a community or a better future. You're welcome to stay. We sure could use someone with your abilities. :'''White Knight''': Well? :'''Six''': He's not here. Bobo's been worried sick. :'''Rex''': rex: Oh, really? :'''Six''': Ratted you out for a pizza. :'''Rex''': Huh. Figures. What about you? Here to drag me back to Providence? :'''Six''': Not this time. Seems like a nice place. :'''Rex''': Yeah. It is. But it's not home. If I'm going back, there are gonna have to be some changes. First, no more curfew. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Second, I want to decide On my missions. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Okay, but there's one change that absolutely has to be made, or I'm through. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Mmm! Mmm! Isn't this great? :'''Bobo''': Mmm. :'''Six''': It's a little dry. :'''Rex''': Mmm. Mm the lump mash ratio is a bit off. :'''Bobo''': You know what? Maybe I'll run away, too... Go somewhere where my cooking is appreciated! :'''Six''': We have to do this every friday? :'''Rex''': Mmm. ===Frostbite=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I'm picking up a problem. You need to return to base immediately. :'''Rex''': I miss you, too, doc. But I'm kinda busy dealing with a problem of my own. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Okay. Ow. Big mistake, tweety. Can that bird brain of yours comprende I'm trying to help you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, your own nanite count is off the charts. If you take on any more nanites, We're looking at an overload. :'''Rex''': Come on, doc. It's just a big birdie. :'''Dr. Holiday''': You're already over capacity. This is critical! Rex! :'''Six''': Rex, you need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at headquarters now. :'''Rex''': Do you really want a supersize pigeon flying loose all over lower Manhattan? You need me, and I can handle it. :'''Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': Unless I make it my call. :'''Dr. Holiday''': (as everyone is fighting) Stop! Need I point out that this isn't the best place for a fight. Anything happens to that storage tank and you'll know why providence made this place so remote. Now let's just talk this out calmly, rationally. :'''Biowulf''': Whatever happens here, Weaver. It's nothing compared to what Van Kleiss would have done to you. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck. (Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': Rex. You need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Agent Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at Headquarters. Now! :'''Rex''': Do you really want a super-sized pigeon flying loose over lower Manhattan. You need me and I handle it. :'''Agent Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': (as he's flying over the Pack in an Arctic storm) Like you're really going to find me when you can't see 2 feet in front of your face... Huh? (Flies into some of Skalamander's shards and crashes) Guess that visibility thing works both ways. :'''Rex''': (To Weaver) So, thanks to you, all this time I've been supplying nanites to Van Kleiss! :'''Rex''': Can't you believe you let these scags get the drop on you. :'''Agent Six''': They tried. It didn't turn out so well. Just haven't found a way to fight xenoflourine gas... yet. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck.(Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': You can't possibly absorb all those nanites! You'd overload in an instant. :'''Rex''': In case you haven't noticed, I have this problem with authority. :'''Rex''': (as Rex is absorbing nanites) Six wait! I can hear them! :'''Doctor Holiday''': (Watching from the ship) What are you waiting for, Six? Take the shot! :'''Rex''': (Speaking mechanically) Build protocol enabled. Command error detected. Abort. Abort. Stand by engaged. (Rex falls. His voice reverts to normal) Take the shot. :'''Agent Six''': He told me he could hear them. :'''Doctor Holiday''': I picked this up during the offload... It's Nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Agent Six''': Seems there are more secrets inside that kid than we realized. :'''Skalamander:''' What's the kid doing here? :'''Biowulf:''' I don't know. This was supposed to be routine. Something's not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends!? :'''Salamander:''' He thinks we've done something. :'''Biowulf:''' Then let him keep thinking. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' You know, the nanites in me can counteract knockout gas! The playing-possum thing's a pretty good trick. Now tell me where my friends are or I start squeezing! <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' He told me he could hear them. :'''Holiday:''' I pulled this off during the offload. It's nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Six:''' Seems like there are more secrets inside that kid than we thought. ===Leader of the Pack=== <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' There couldn't possibly be enough E.V.O. activity to account for these nanite readings. They're off the scale. Looking for Van Kleiss? : '''Rex:''' Circe. I thought I saw her in the blimp. : '''Holiday:''' That's the girl you met in Cabo Luna. : '''Rex:''' She may be with the Pack now, but I think I can still get her to talk to me. You know I can be pretty convincing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Holiday, there! Now let's take this outside! :'''Holiday:''' Rex. : '''Van Kleiss:''' It's quite all right. The determination of youth. I'm sure Circe will be disappointed she couldn't see you, Rex. She's attending to other duties this evening. Now if you will excuse me. : '''Rex:''' Why are you really here!? : '''Van Kleiss:''' The people of Abysus have a great way to offer the world. I'm just in part to make that known. :'''Rex:''' Or maybe 'cause I couldn't come to you, so now you're coming to me! :'''Van Kleiss:''' I admit you are important to me, Rex, but it's not always about you. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? Interesting look. Want to tell me what's going on? : '''Circe:''' Not today. :(''Knocks him out cold with a metal slate. She later looks outside Rex's prison cell and leaves, with a slightly guilty, dejected expression'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Well, thanks for nearly bashing my brains in back there! And what's with the "knocking me out" thing? : '''Circe:''' We just needed to keep you out of the way until all of this was over. : '''Rex:''' ''This!?'' He could destroy the whole city! : '''Circe:''' He's trying to negotiate peace from a position of strength. : '''Rex''' (sarcastically)''':''' Oh, yeah! All this nanite power is just screaming peace. : '''Circe:''' His methods may be aggressive. But he's here to save us...and you. Come on, Rex, jump in with us. The water's fine. : '''Rex:''' I'll think about it ''after'' I've stopped Van Kleiss. : '''Circe:''' It's too late for that now, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We will not be ignored! ''Circe'' understands this. Why don't you respect her judgement? :'''Rex:''' You think you can lure me in with her. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Like a fish to water. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I won! : '''Van Kleiss:''' It seems you have. Your parents would have been so proud. I never had the chance to tell you about them, have I? Perhaps another time. ===Breach=== : '''Rex:''' This is...different. <hr width80%> : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What is Van Kliess up to, Breach! Where did he have you send Rex? : '''Breach:''' Van Kleiss isn't always in charge of me. Sometimes I do what I want; like now. ===Of Love and War=== ===No Strings Attached=== ===Desperate Measures=== ===The E.V.O. Agenda=== ===Dark Passage=== <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Rex? Is that you? :'''Rex:''' You know my name. :'''Dr. Rylandar:''' Of course I do! I gave it to you! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' I can't believe you're alive. What a stroke of luck. :'''Rex:''' Dad? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You've lost your memory, have you? not surprising, considering what you've been through. Oh. Sorry to disappoint you, Rex. I'm afraid I'm not who you want me to be. :'''Rex:''' Oh. So if you're not my dad, do you know where he is? Oh, well. Rex Rylander is a goofy name, anyway. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander, I've got to know. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You must understand. It was never about power or greed. It was able changing the world, saving mankind from disease and starvation. And we would have succeeded until ''they'' got involved. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Rylander:''' The nanites were incomplete. The incident spread them across the globe before we could finish their final programming. Except for you. Yours were from a different batch, the very first actually. All those innocent victims. :'''Rex:''' If you feel so bad about it, why have you been attacking more people? :'''Rylander:''' Hmm. "The chosen few." Those men and women, Rex, are far from innocent. While they hide in their office towers and gated estates, I've been here trying to set things right, to find a cure for what we created. I've begged for more funding. :'''Rex:''' Wait! Everyone you attacked- They all worked on the Nanite Project? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' They commissioned it. I merely wished to send them a warning to see what would happen if they refused to help finish the good work we started. And it was good, Rex. ''You're'' living proof that we were doing the right thing. :'''Rex''' (''indignant'')''':''' By turning me into an E.V.O.!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You had an accident. The nanites were your only hope. It was tremendous gamble. The...unexpected side affects name later. It was surprise to all of us. Oh. The look on your brother's face... :'''Rex:''' Brother? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' When the Event occurred, it was your powers that saved you both. Most of the others, they weren't so lucky. :'''Rex''' (''to himself'')''':''' I'm not alone. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Oh, here. I have something for you. :(''Injects the mighty and all-powerful Omega Nanite into his system'') :'''Rex:''' Ow. <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The force-field must be failing. :'''Rex:''' Forget the force-field! What did you just inject me with!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[[w:Omnipotence |Everything]]''. :'''Rex:''' ''Enough, okay!? Do you have any idea what's been like!? Not knowing who I am!? If my family's dead or alive!? Quite with the mad scientist act and give me some answers!!'' :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Forgive me, Rex. I been so consumed with my own guilt I didn't consider what you must be going through. The truth is- :'''Van Kleiss:''' Truth, Doctor? You wouldn't know the first thing about it. Nor loyalty for that matter. How many times must I tell you this, Rex? The answers you so desperately seek lie with me. And as for you, Doctor, consider our past disagreement settled. I look forward to continuing our research...alone. This was unavoidable, Rex. The longer you resist me, the more people get hurt. Rylander has always been on borrowed time. All of this belongs to me now. Destroy me and you lose everything. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' No. I didn't see what happened, but according to Rex, Van Kleiss has been eliminated. Rylander's experiment is a total loss. :'''Holiday:''' All of this for nothing. I'm sorry, Rex. :'''Rex:''' It wasn't for nothing, Doc. I've got a brother. Out there- somewhere. Finally! I started to get some real answers. I feel closer to the truth than ever. ===The Forgotten=== :'''Six:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' It's like I'm hearing through my nanites. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' You are not the Before. :'''Rex:''' I'm not sure that was a complete sentence back then. :'''No-Face:''' ''They'' are the Before! The Before forgot us. The Before left us in pain. <hr width80%> ===Operation: Wingman=== :'''Annie:''' "Do you have a girlfriend?" :'''Rex:''' "It's complicated. She's in league with an evil dictator who wants me dead." :'''Annie:''' "Yeah. My dad's always worried about me dating, too." <hr width80%> ===Rabble=== :'''Quarry''': Come on, Rex. (''holds up Rex's journal'') We both know this is what you really want. So go ahead take it. Walk away. Show them who you really are. You were always very good a taking care of yourself. Why should now be any different? :'''Rex''': (''Cuts his journal in two'') Whoever I was back then, is not who I am now. Not anymore. :'''Quarry''': Your choice. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': It's over, Quarry! You lose! <hr width80%> : '''Sqywwd:''' I hope you don't expect us to thank you. : '''Rex:''' No. Providence won't bother you unless you do something stupid. : '''Cricket:''' We'll be fine. Thank you, Rex. :(''Kisses him on the check'') : '''Tuck:''' Don't forget about us, Okay? : '''Rex:''' That may be a promise I can't keep. (''Flies off on his Boogie Pack'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' It's going to happen again, isn't it? I'm going to blank out. How long do I have? : '''Holiday:''' I don't know, Rex. It's likely triggered by a specific event; something traumatic. ===The Hunter=== ===Gravity=== ===What Lies Beneath=== : '''Circe:''' Rex, it's me. : '''Rex:''' Circe? What do ''you'' want!? : '''Circe:''' Things in Abysus- they're bad, Rex. I need your help. : '''Rex:''' Oh, well, how do I put this nicely? Not a chance! You made your choice, Circe! I made mine. End of story. : '''Circe:''' Please, Rex. I know you're mad at me, but this is a matter of life and death. : '''Rex:''' A lot of things are right now. Nice talking to you. : '''Circe:''' Rex!? : (''Looks crestfallen'') <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I didn't know you were still in touch with Circe. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, me neither. Can we please stop talking about this? <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' She's very pretty. : '''Rex:''' She works for Van Kleiss. She's the enemy. : '''Holiday:''' But you still like her, don't you? : '''Rex:''' I am ''not'' talking about this! <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Rex, thank you. : '''Rex:''' I'm not doing this for you. But...your welcome. (''Circe similes hopefully'') So what exactly am I supposed to do? :'''Holiday:''' When I said you were the key, I meant that literally. According to the plans, the machine needs to be turned on by a molecular level. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' You ''lied'' to me!! : '''Circe:''' You wouldn't have come if I told you the truth. : '''Rex:''' This wasn't about you needing ''me''!! This is about you needing Van Kleiss!! : '''Circe:''' I need you both. Please, Rex, you don't understand. : '''Rex:''' No!! ''You'' don't understand!! Van Kleiss is gone and I intend to keep it that way!! : '''Biowulf:''' You destroyed us all!! : '''Six:''' Don't even breathe. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You don't know what you've done. : '''Rex:''' Then, I guess we're even. : '''Circe:''' You've never understood his power. Van Kleiss kept us safe here. His force was the only thing keeping Abysus together, and you destroyed that. : '''Rex:''' We're done here!! : '''Holiday:''' Rex, I think she's right. Nanites operate on a molecular level. If they bonded with Van Kleiss, breaking off his connection must have caused a splinter; resulting in a disastrous chain reaction. : '''Rex:''' I'm ''not'' bringing him back! ''Not now, not ever!!'' Besides, you don't need Van Kleiss! You have me!! Why not go straight to the source?! :'''Holiday:''' Rex, no! :'''Six:''' Stand down! It's too dangerous! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Let go of me!! : '''Holiday:''' If you keep fighting these unstable nanites, they're going to destroy you! : '''Rex:''' And if I don't they'll destroy everybody else. : '''Holiday:''' Not if you listen to me! I have an idea. It's a long shot. Instead of fighting the nanites, ''communicate'' with them. : '''Six:''' You want to talk to the nanites? : '''Holiday:''' He's done it before. : '''Rex:''' Never anything this big. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I got you! Don't let go!! (''Rex struggles to save Circe from falling as she clings to him; tears fill her eyes''). ''Circe!!'' (''as she falls into the black goop of highly unstable nanites'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' ''Circe!'' Six! Dr. Holiday! Okay, you win. (''technopathically starts the machine''). Something's...not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Circe! Come on, breathe! : '''Circe''' (''coughs weakly'')''':''' Hey. : '''Rex:''' Hey. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Stay with us, Circe. Van Kleiss is done. : '''Circe:''' As much as I care about you, Rex, Van Kleiss and the Pack are my family. They took me in when no one else would. I can't abandon them. : '''Rex:''' So that's it. We're always going to be on opposite sides. : '''Circe:''' It does keep it interesting. ===The Swarm=== :'''Rex''' (thinking'')''':''' ''Gotta stay under. Not sure I can...make it. :(''Has visions of those most dear to him: Noah, his crush Circe, Holiday, Six, Bobo) ===Basic=== ===The Plague=== ===Promises, Promises=== :''Note:'' This episode depicts how young Rex had joined Providence via Six's [[w:flashback episode|memories]]. <hr width80%> :''[Six narrates over imagery of the Nanite Event.]'' :'''Six:''' The names and faces may change, but no matter how you slice it, war is war. You pick a side and you don’t look back. I believe that now and I believed it then. What gets you in trouble is when you start second guessing. Forget what you’re fighting for and you’re finished. :'''Diane Farrah:''' ''[Panicked screaming is heard in the background of an EVO attack]'' There’s another entity has emerged, this time in the heart of Paris. Authorities are vastly unprepared. Unless a decisive response to this pandemic is marshalled, the city will fall just as Kiev— ''[Diane Farrah gets snatched by the EVO’s web]'' :''[A Providence assault vehicle rams through police cars, from which Six appears and deals with the EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Save some for me partner! How else am I gonna earn my paycheck? :''[Knight fires off a weapon and the scene cuts to present day at Providence Headquarters.]'' :'''Providence Agents:''' Surprise! :'''Rex:''' So, the flu shots? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I needed an excuse to get you here. We’ll do them after cake. I’ll get you Van Kleiss! ''[Holiday swings at a pinata blindfolded before Rex crushes it with his smack hands]'' :'''Rex:''' Sorry, Doc, it was taking too long. And it was either that or throw some of your cake at it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday walks over to Six at a corner, passing him a drink]'' You’re looking festive. :'''Six:''' It was an odd choice to pick today to be his birthday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It is the anniversary of his new life here. He deserves a celebration, he changed everything. :'''Six:''' Has he? :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex jumps onto a counter, speaking to the agents surrounding him]'' Ha-hah! How about hitting The Petting Zoo for a little pin-the-tail on the raging “Rhinocesaurus”? :'''Dr. Holiday and Six:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Every party has a pooper. And I got two. :'''Providence Agents:''' ''[Providence Agents turn off the lights and bring Rex a birthday cake]'' Happy Birthday! :'''Rex:''' Dudes! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You should be celebrating too, Six! After all, you’re the one who started this. In a way, it’s your birthday too. :''[Flashback to Six and Knight walking through the Petting Zoo during construction of Providence HQ.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Nyquist. Fortier. How’s the monkey business? :'''Nyquist:''' Ha ha-larious, Knight. :'''Fortier:''' Hey, for your information we probably saved the world today. :'''White Knight:''' I, for one, feel safer already. ''[Knight states, looking at Bobo while Six walks towards his cage]'' :'''Bobo:''' So, green man. We meet again! :'''Calan:''' They found him at the Kremlin this time. He was threatening to push the button unless someone brought him a thousand pounds of caviar. :'''Bobo:''' Chimp’s gotta eat. :'''Fortier:''' What about your little bug hunt? Give you much trouble? :'''White Knight:''' Nothing we couldn’t handle. :''[The EVO is transported in a cage overhead while Knight and Six walk through a hallway.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What? Not even a smile? Oh by the way, happy birthday. ''[Knight passes Six a gift]'' :'''Six:''' How did you know? :'''White Knight:''' I’m your partner. Can’t keep much from me. :'''Six:''' Thanks. :'''White Knight:''' So what crawled up your coat? :'''Six:''' I’m getting tired of all this fighting. Did you see how many there are now? Are we gonna cage the whole world? :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight turns around, placing a hand on Six's shoulder]'' We’re preserving the human race. ''[The door to the processing facility opens]'' Besides, who says we’re gonna cage them all? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Looking at the EVO]'' And to think, this was once spinning webs in someone’s garden. Doctor Holiday, prepare for disassembly. ''[Doctor Holiday nods and activates the procedure as per his instructions. Doctor Fell sports a wicked smile during the experiment before it disintegrates the EVO without a trace]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It’s the same exact data as last time, and the time before that; Doctor Fell, why aren’t we studying them in a natural setting? :'''Dr. Fell:''' Only through molecular dissection will we find a way to expunge this threat. The committee agrees with me on this. If you do not approve, I can always find another assistant. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Doctor Holiday leaves the facility in frustration with Doctor Fell]'' Bleeding hearts. They’ll get us all killed one day. :''[Holiday walks down a hallway and drops several notes, one of which Six picks up.]'' :'''Six:''' EVO? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Exponentially Variegated Organism; a little more scientific than spoiled meat. That is what you hired guns call them isn’t it? :'''Six:''' It's Six, and I don't use guns. You told Fell we could learn more by bringing them in alive. What did you mean? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites are altering our DNA, but with the right type of research, there's no doubt they could be programmed to stop or reverse the process. Imagine a third option to this, kill-or-Contain protocol. :'''Six:''' A third option? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A cure. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight and several other Providence agents run past Holiday after an alarm activates]'' Buckle up partner! Looks like we got ourselves a big one. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hopeless. :''[Providence mercenaries arrive at Mexico to confront the giant mechanical EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What are we looking at? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Fascinating. It appears to be bio-mechanical. I must have a closer look at this one. :'''White Knight:''' One for the trophy case. :'''Six:''' Wait. We may get more out of this one if we bring it in alive! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Fell:''' You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Six. With what we gleam from this boy, I could create tools that could inoculate the world. :'''Six:''' Why risk it? He can already cure them! I've seen it! :'''White Knight:''' So, what, we train him? Make him one of us? <hr width80%> :'''Knight:''' We're supposed to be friends! He's a monster! What do you see in him!? :'''Six:''' Hope. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Thanks for talking some sense into him, Doc. ''[Knight picks up Six’s katana and walks toward Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' What...what’s happening to me? ''[Rex pleas to Knight, who simply looks down at him before warning sirens go off and the facility begins to lockdown]'' :'''Dr. Fell:''' We’re all going to burn. ''[Fell escapes while Rex is craned away by Holiday on an upper level]'' :'''White Knight:''' No! ''[Knight looks back at Six who is slowly picking himself up while the remaining exits close off. In a last ditch effort, Knight carries Six and throws him through the final set of doors before they seal shut]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Six picks himself and slams his fist against the glass]'' Why? :'''White Knight:''' I know what side I’m on. ''[Knight proudly states before getting consumed by a blinding white light and screaming in agony]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Grabbing a hold of Dr. Fell's collar Six shouts]'' Do something! :'''Dr. Fell:''' Once the cycle starts it's impossible to shut down. :'''Rex:''' ''[Contrary to Dr. Fell's statement, the light fades away and the electricity is subdued after Rex interfaces with a control panel]'' Impossible? Psh, right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you—-? :'''Rex:''' Told it to turn off. And it did! Wait, where...where am I? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Doctor Holiday. Maybe you were right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Maybe you should start looking for another job. :'''Bobo:''' ''[Within the processing chamber, Knight takes a few steps forward before collapsing]'' Hey marshmallow! Nice look! ''[Knight looks back up at Bobo with his signature bleached appearance]'' :''[Some time later, in his office White Knight speaks to Six through a monitor.]'' :'''White Knight:''' How’s the training? :'''Six:''' Slow. :'''White Knight:''' Not all you hoped he’d be? ''[Rex and Bobo topple each other in a play fight while Knight continues to monologue in his office]'' Still, who would’ve thought the kinder, gentler approach would do such wonders for our profile. The notion of a cure has gotten Providence funding, and worldwide prestige. The committee's happy. Your new partner may just be the best thing this operation could have asked for. Funny, isn’t it? Because of you I can never leave this chamber. I’m now the only pure human left in the world. And the perfect poster boy to run this operation. I suppose I should thank you. :'''Six:''' I promised him that we would help uncover his past; find his family. :'''White Knight:''' Whatever keeps him on his leash. But if he shows the slightest sign of turning into thing again, it's all on you. :''[Back at the party in the present, Noah is pinned down by Bobo with a bag on his head to Rex’s amusement.]'' :'''Rex:''' Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my—hold him down, I’ll get the camera! ''[Rex runs to his room, and after a quick search he instead finds a long box on a corner shelf]'' :'''Six:''' Happy birthday. ''[Six walks into his room, officially greeting Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' From you? For me? You gotta be kidding. :'''Six:''' You, your work. It has made a real difference. I just—- :'''Rex:''' Yeah, I know I’m pretty great! But seriously get off the sap train, Six. It’s creeping me out. ''[Rex opens the gift to reveal the blade inside]'' Wow, Six! Thank you! :'''Six:''' It’s called a tanto. It’s the ceremonial blade of a samurai warrior. :'''Rex:''' Samurai? Awesome. :'''Six:''' ''[Six unsheathes his own tanto and holds it against Rex’s]'' This is its twin. :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex removes the cap from his tanto and squints at the symbol etched into the blade]'' Is that...writing? :'''Six:''' Bushido symbol of loyalty. It means whether for good or ill, our fates will follow the same path. This one stays with me. :'''Rex:''' Think this thing can cut through Holiday’s chocolate cake? :'''Six:''' ''[Six raises an eyebrow]'' Anything’s possible. :''[Rex puts the cap back on to the blade and camera cuts to outside of Providence headquarters, panning outward until screen fades to black.]'' ===Badlands=== :'''Gatlocke:''' Do you like rules? :'''Rex:''' Can't say I do. <hr width80%> :'''Gatlocke:''' Feel that? It's quilted. This is the good kind. But I won't be able to really enjoy in ''until I have those nanites!'' <hr width80%> ===Out of the Dark=== :''Note'': Rex's love interest and sweetheart Circe appears in a vision. ===Payback=== :''[In the realm of Abysus]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Humiliated... De-powered... All but destroyed. Hardly the new world I set out to build, is it? :'''Biowulf:''' Master, a spy has made contact. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well? :'''Providence Spy:''' Everything is in place. :'''Van Kleiss:''' And the boy? :'''Providence Spy:''' He's here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[to his loyal followers]'' Soon our greatest enemy will be buried! Providence itself will be destroyed. And we'll have Rex to thank. :'''Rex:''' Come on! Who's gonna know? :'''Noah:''' Yeah. It would only be for a minute or two. :'''Calan:''' You actually want me to let you fly the keep? :''[Calan sighs]'' :'''Calan:''' Only until the next course change. And nothing fancy. :'''Rex:''' All right, let's see what this baby can really do! Why, it wasn't me! Seriously! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Providence Spies:''' Aah! :'''White Knight:''' Calan, what's your status? :'''Calan:''' Came from out of nowhere. We're being boarded. Scramble all jump jets. Mobilize for a counter-offensive. :'''White Knight:''' This is a coordinated attack. Every major Providence outpost around the globe has been hit. :'''Six:''' So far they've steered clear of headquarters. I'm on route to the keep now. :'''Rex:''' Are they really that stupid? Attacking the keep with me on board? This should only take a minute. :'''Noah:''' Wait up! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find Rex. It goes without saying "alive" would be ideal. Take the ship. :'''Providence Spy:''' Some kind of power surge. We're losing control of the helm! :'''Calan:''' Find out where it's coming from. Doc, if you'll excuse me-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six? :'''Six:''' Five minutes out. Prepare for an evac. I'm getting you off the ship. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Again with the Smack Hands? You always open with that move. Change it up a little! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Bobo:''' You see what you get? That's what happens when you interrupt my nap-- Bobo gets cranky! :'''Rex:''' I learned that the hard way, too. :'''Calan:''' All hands-- We've got intruders on deck four, five, and six. Get'em off our ship! :'''Rex:''' Go! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Attention, Providence. The ship is ours. :'''Rex:''' Ugh! Not even close, Van Kleiss! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Lay down your weapons, and your lives will be spared. Continue to resist and nothing survives. :'''Rex:''' You've made I made some lame-o moves before, Van Kleiss, but this one-- classic. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Seems you may have run out of tricks. Oh, you had to know it would only be a matter of time. I've had a fair amount of time on my hands these days. ''[Restrains Rex with his gauntlet]'' :'''Rex:''' Aaaaah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You took something very precious from me, Rex, and now I'll be returning the favor. :'''Rex:''' If you want my monkey, you can forget it. :''[Van Kleiss starts draining nanites from Rex, causing him to squirm and scream in pain.]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It might come as a surprise that when you stole the nanites that gave my power, you left some of your behind-- Enough to tell me a few of what makes you tick. :''[Rex tries to summon a build, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ungh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'll find that using your powers will be something of a challenge. The nanites that you so special belong to me now. :'''Biowulf:''' What shall I do with him, master? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I have everything I need from him. I could care less. Secure the rest of the ship. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on! Do you really think throwing me out that hatch is the best way to get rid of me? Wouldn't it be more fun to throw me in a cage, tie me down in front of a laser? :'''Biowulf:''' No! :'''Rex:''' Aaaaaaaah! Wh-o-o-o-o-oa! :'''Noah:''' What is he doing? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This is no time to fool around, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Happened to notice that ground coming up on his, doc? If you don't do something fast, I'm about to become part of it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, are you okay? :'''Rex:''' I think we may have a problem. :'''White Knight:''' What do you mean "they have the keep"?! Blow it up! :'''Six:''' We tried. The remote-destruct sequence has been disabled. Van Kleiss has complete control of it. :'''White Knight:''' Give me some good news. :'''Six:''' We know where it's heading. Here. :'''Biowulf:''' This is the commanding officer. We found him attempting to destroy this ship. :'''Calan:''' What's your game, Van Kleiss? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, a very good question-- One that depends entirely on what happens next, Captain. It seems my powers have made a slight... change. :'''Rex:''' Well? They're gone, aren't they? Van Kleiss took all my active nanites. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. I found this. Definitely a nanite, but it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Molecular scans seems to indicate it's some kind of control-nanite. :'''Rex:''' But with nothing to control. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With a large enough concentration of nanites, we might be able to jump-start it. But even with that, there's no guarantee it would replicate or even give you back the same abilities. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I hate to say it, but this one has me stumped. :'''Rex:''' Great. Loving this. :'''White Knight:''' If you're finished with the lost cause, we've got a bigger problem. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, how is this possible? :'''Van Kleiss:''' It would seem Rex's nanites have an opposite effect on me. He cured EVOs. Now I create them. Full ahead-- Ramming speed! Once we're through, we'll destroy Providence from the inside out. :'''White Knight:''' Lock it down! I want hallways cleared and critical sections defended. They will not take this base. :'''Rex:''' Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go stop them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you're in no condition to fight. :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you expect me to do-- Hide? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Whatever it takes. That nanite inside you might be able to bring you back, but it's going to take me time to figure out how. And that's not something we have a lot of right now. :'''Rex:''' Wow. Nice outfit. :'''Noah:''' Got one for you, too. You get to armor up like the rest of us normals. :'''Rex:''' Come on. :'''Bobo:''' All right, where to? :'''Rex:''' South Pacific. :'''Bobo:''' That's my boy. And here I thought you'd try to pull some hero stunt. Oh, brother. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want the White Knight. Find where he's hiding and bring him to me. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That should be everything, as long as the offsite backup holds. :'''Six:''' Don't let it get to that. :'''Noah:''' This is a strange place for a base. :'''Rex:''' When I have too many nanites in me, this is where I go to offload. :'''Bobo:''' Think of it as a nanite porta-potty. :'''Noah:''' Thanks... For that image, Bobo. So, we just put some of these nanites in you, and we're good to go? :'''Rex:''' No. They're inactive. Or at least stripped of their programming. Since I can't control them, I just have to hope that whatever this thing is inside me can't. :'''Noah:''' So... What happens if it can't? :'''Bobo:''' Let me put it this way-- The last guy who went swimmin' in that soup ended up a 50-foot freak show. :'''White Knight:''' Listen to me carrefully, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'd rather not. :'''White Knight:''' Where are they? :'''Six:''' The inner perimeter has been compromised. They're coming. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Skalamander roars]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Open it. :'''Rex:''' Okay. Bobo, set the thing to "vent" and go. If this doesn't work, I don't want you getting caught in the blast. :'''Bobo:''' No. :'''Noah:''' Forget it. Rex, at least think about his for a sec. What if it wipes your memory? What it turns you into some evil monster? :'''Rex:''' My friends need me. There's nothing more to think about. Bobo, do it. :'''Bobo:''' Long odds, pay big. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Six:''' You've overstayed your welcome. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, here's someone who would make a nice addition to our EVO ranks. :'''Six:''' Go ahead and try. Ugh! :''[Six groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Trying to do my job for me, Six? Here's a thought-- When your top henchman can't even get rid of someone by throwing him out of a moving plane, time to rethink the help. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You are determined-- I'll give you that. If it's what you prefer, I'll finish you myself. :'''Rex:''' Maybe. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Cool! :'''Bobo:''' See? I told you it would work. :'''Six:''' This is an unexpected surprise. :'''Rex:''' Well, by now, you should expect the unexpected from me, Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Bobo:''' Not anymore. :'''Noah:''' You think there might be more of them? :'''Bobo:''' Eh... Probably. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Aaaaaaah! :'''White Knight:''' I use that electromagnet to trap stray nanites. You're lucky it's on the lowest setting. Any higher, and it would rip the nanites right out of your body. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Then why don't you? :'''White Knight:''' Because then I wouldn't be able to do this. :'''Skalamander:''' No one can help you. You're all alone now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. We still have my sister. :''[Skalamander grunting]'' :''[Rex and Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Aaaaah! :'''Rex:''' No way! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :'''Rex:''' Once again, epic fail. I'll take my nanites back now. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Noah:''' Rex, wait! :'''Bobo:''' Van Kleiss left behind a few presents. :'''Rex:''' No time to look everywhere. I'm shutting everything down. :'''Noah:''' You can do that? :'''Rex:''' Don't know. Never tried. Anything else? No? :'''Calan:''' Whew! I never want to do that again. No, sir. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Amazing. :'''Rex:''' Why, thank you. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I was talking about the nanites. That was a risky move, Rex, but it worked. As far as I can tell, you're back to your old self. :'''Rex:''' I don't know. Something feels different. That new build-- I think I can do even more. It's like I can see the blueprints. I just need to figure out how to put it all together. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight in person. Never thought I'd see the day. :'''White Knight:''' Well, don't get used to it. We found all the explosives. The base and the keep will need extensive repairs. This was not our finest hour. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? We kicked butt! So what if Van Kleiss is back and more powerful than ever? So am I! If he wants a nanite war, let him bring it! :''[White Knight laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' It's good to have your back, Rex. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You know, I think he actually means it. :'''Rex:''' Sure he does. So, tell me something, guys-- What's next? ==Season Two (2011)== ===Rampage=== <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I'll give you the recap. Thanks to these microscopic machines called nanites, I can build cool gear out of my body. I'm what's called an EVO. But most evo's aren't lucky like me. They usually look like this. ''[laughing]'' I know what you're thinking. And they smell bad, too. There's one other thing I can do that makes me even more special. Some EVOs, I can cure. That's why I work for Providence. We're the people you call when an evo is tearing up your lawn or attacking a city. And the worst of them is this guy... Van Kleiss. The last time we fought, things got a little out of hand. I'll admit it... we pretty much got our tails handed to us. He steals the key, wrecks headquarters, hijacks my nanite to get back the powers I took away from him. And now he can actually make people into EVOs. Then, to top it off, he has his dog boy Biowulf throw me, overboard at 6,000 feet. Not that anyone's keeping score. Sure, Van Kleiss may be back, but so am I. So what if he can make EVOs? I can still cure them. He may have new powers, but guess what... I do, too. Ever since my powers came back, I've got the ability to make amazing new machines. Now I just have to figure out how to build more. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' If you're trying to check up on me, Six, the answer's still a big fat... ''[imitates buzzer]'' I can't figure out how to make this new build. :'''Six:''' It might take some time, but you'll get it. :'''Rex:''' And meanwhile, Van Kleiss is out there doing who knows what. I wish they'd hurry up and get the H.Q. Rebuilt. You're not still living out of your jump jet like some ninja hobo, are you? :'''Six:''' My temporary accommodations are perfectly adequate. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Still living in the jet. ''[Groans]'' I hate being kicked out of our house. Although, as long as they're building stuff, I need a hot tub. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "I was wondering when you and your hair would show up again, Van Kleiss." :'''Van Kleiss:''' Back to your old self again, I see. And how are those new abilities developing?" :'''Rex:''' Just fine. Thanks for asking." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Don't you have anything better to do with your life then come after me all the time?" :'''Van Kleiss:''' "Funny you should ask." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Doc? How are those biometrics looking now? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Give it a try. :'''Rex:''' Ah, yeah! It's about time! Machines work. I just hope the important part does. :'''Noah:''' What just happened? :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? :'''Noah:''' It all kind of hazy. I mostly remember the feeling of... Fun. And I remember you punching me in the face. :'''Rex:''' Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to eat me. Come on. We've got a rat to catch. Why so happy? Is this the part where breach shows up and rescues you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, no. This is the part where she takes your inadequately guarded fuel core. :'''Six:''' Six to post, what's your status? Six to post. :'''Rex:''' Another decoy? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I should share some of the credit with your friend over here. He played the part to perfection. :'''Noah:''' Gee, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, this would be the part where Breach shows up. :'''Noah:''' I can't believe I did all this. Sounds like I had the time of my life. :'''Rex:''' ''[laughing]'' It almost became your life. Sorry about that. :'''Noah:''' Are you kidding? Just knowing I was a rampaging evo is cool. I wish I could have remembered at least some of it. :'''Rex:''' It's probably all over the news if you want a replay... At least until you stepped on the news van. :'''Noah:''' Well... ''[Exhales sharply]'' Guess it's back to quadratic equations. :'''Rex:''' I have no idea what those are. I've got somewhere I need to be. See you later. I know. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't care if it's a construction zone. I'm moving back. :'''Six:''' It's all right. Turns out you're not the only one who feels that way. You'll get used to the cold showers. Food, you're on your own. From the top? :'''Rex:''' From the top. :'''Six:''' What were you trying to build, anyway? :'''Rex:''' A water jet. Oh, by the way, I need a new cellphone. :'''Six:''' Yes? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' It's after my glasses again. :'''Six:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' This time I am serious. Now, when are you going to send someone out here? :'''Six:''' Ma'am, I'm... :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' Do you even work for Providence? :'''Six:''' Yes, I work for Providence. :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' What kind of a flimflam outfit is this? :'''Six:''' How did you get this number? ===Wasteland=== ===Tough Love=== ===The Lost Weekend=== :'''Kenwyn:''' What did you to Skwydd? :'''Mouse:''' Just shedding a light light on how dangerous his kind can be. :'''Rex:''' By juicing his powers? What were you thinking? :'''Mouse:''' Most inorganic material explodes when given that kind of molecular jolt, but not not nanites. They convert the energy into power that amplifies an E.V.O.'s abilities to tremendously uncontrollable levels. ===Star-Crossed=== ===Alliance=== :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' And he brought his Pack flunkies. Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach. Circe? Gotta hurry. Their headed straight for... someplace else. Gonna find out where. <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex why aren't you fixing that shield regulator? :'''Rex:''' Hint. You may remember him from such schemes as destroying Providence headquarters, and trying to take over the entire Earth. :'''Holiday:''' Van Kliess, in there? You're right. You should investigate after you fix the shield. :'''Rex:''' Then it might be too late. :'''Holiday:''' She's there, isn't she? :'''Rex:''' Who? Breach? Yeah, but... :'''Holiday:''' A quick recon and that's it. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Intriguing. An entire urban branch of EVO. development. :'''Biowulf:''' This place is a waste of our time. :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss knows what he's doing. It's not your place to question. :'''Biowulf:''' Question?! You dare accuse me of disloyalty?! :'''Circe:''' Sorry. Get a grip! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You're right, you know. We should be down there with him. What is he up to anyway? :'''Biowulf:''' I do not know. :'''Circe:''' You don't know? I thought he trusted you with everything. :'''Biowulf:''' Of course he does! He just-- :'''Rex:''' Hey! Easy on the stealth suit, which apparently, isn't so stealthy. <hr width80%> :'''NoFace:''' Invaders have come before. They brought only pain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' It is a pain we both share. The same Providence outsides attacked my lands, destroyed my army. :'''NoFace:''' There was one who tormented us, humiliated us. The grower of machines. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ah, Rex. Another thorn we share. My proposal is simple: You control a formidable legion. I, in turn, can provide the escape and the vengeance you seek. I can be your liberator. You can be my general. Together we will crush our enemies, starting with the one you hate most. Now are we-- :'''Biowulf:''' Master, I have a report. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[irritated]'' This is a private conversation. Can't you handle the sightest detail without bothering me? :'''Biowulf:''' Of course, Master. It was nothing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Here comes the moment when our brave hero sweeps the girl of her feet! Literally! :'''Biowulf:''' Don't let him. :'''Circe:''' Hey! Let-- :'''Rex:''' ''[flies off with Circe in his arms]''' See you around, henchie! :'''Biowulf:''' ''[to Skalamander]'' Follow them. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Down, now! :'''Rex:''' Not till we hear each other out! :'''Circe:''' Sure! I'll go first. :''[Breaks the Bogie Pack with a hypersonic burst, causing them to fall]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, great. Way to go, Circe. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' Our hero pursues the girl of his dreams, heedless of her attempts to break his heart... along with the rest of him. Circe, just one minute, okay? Look-No powers! :'''Circe:''' One minute! But if this is about leaving the Pack-- :'''Rex:''' Please. I'm way past that. There are bigger things going here than who you hang out with. :'''Circe:''' Fifty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I wasn't sent here to spy on you. I'm here to stop these things from ever getting out. :'''Circe:''' Forty! Why are you telling me this? You know who I am! :'''Rex:''' You've seen the things that live here. Whatever deal you think Van Kleiss is making, it's going to turn out bad for everyone. :'''Circe:''' Thirty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I do know who you are, Circe. Just for once think for yourself. Maybe your perfect leader could actually be wrong, maybe even a bit crazy, nuts, certifiably insane! : '''Circe:''' Shut up! Twenty! Talk about blinded. Did you ever wonder why Van Kleiss is so interested in you? :'''Rex:''' Oh, I don't know. Maybe he wants me dead? :'''Circe:''' Not anymore. Something has changed, Rex. Ever since you got your powers back, I hear him talking. Saying you have something that's the key to everything. For whatever reason, he needs you alive. I know it, Rex. He'd never let you be killed. :'''Rex:''' Never, huh? :'''Circe:''' Time's up! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Now this looks like a party. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rex, you never cease to amaze me. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' Defiler! Give him to us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now do you believe I can deliver what I say? Will yoh agree to my leadership? :'''No-Face:''' We agree to it! Give him to us! Now! Now! Now! :'''Circe:''' ''[very shocked]''' Van Kleiss, I didn't bring Rex here so that you could-- He'll kill him! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Never forget how I found you, Circe. What you were... before. He's yours. :''[Tears well up in Circe's eyes; thoroughly horrified that her master would calmly allow Rex's life to be put at risk]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[weakly]''' Is this what you wanted? :''[Collapses from his inquiries, causing Circe to open her eyes]'' :'''Circe''' ''[tearful, pleading]'': Stop this! Please! You need him alive! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Alive, yes. Heart pumping, lungs breathing, but his mind? The less there's left of that, the better. Circe, I warn you: Lift so much as a finger to help him, and you're finished! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You, Biowulf, even me. We're all just means to an end for him. He doesn't really care for any of us. :'''Rex:''' So you finally figured that out. Better late than never, I guess. :'''Circe:''' It's not too late! Not if I have anything to say about it! :''[Extends her fleshly and grotesque EVOs mouth]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! Whoa! There are some of us who might not like the sound of whatever you're about to do! :'''Circe:''' I'll adjust the frequency to exclude friendly EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Does that include me? :'''Circe:''' For now. :''[Uses her melodious, hypnotic singing to call back the EVOs escaping]'' :'''Rex:''' I thought you said you could filter it. :'''Circe:''' It's not an exact science. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss. :'''Rex:''' Breach'll get him out... eventually. But right now he's in there, you're out here. You don't have a better opportunity to consider your options. :''[Notice the two of them holding hands and let go, blushing]'' :'''Bobo:''' What is it stealing from our own people that's so dang satisfying? :'''Circe:''' You forget to remove the tracker. I'm not going to Providence. :'''Rex:''' Doesn't matter where you go. All that matters is that you want to go there. That said. I hear Hong Kong's nice this time of year. ===Robo Bobo=== ===Divide By Six=== :'''One''': ''[Speaking through Rex]'' Six. :'''Six''': One? :'''One''': You left this place, quit life as a mercenary and so rarely returned to visit. :'''Six''': I did what I felt was right, I never meant to dishonor. :'''One''': So rarely, that I never had time to tell you how proud you've made me. :'''Six''': ''[Takes off his glasses for the first time in the series]'' We're going to help you. We're going to take you home. :'''One''': But Six, I am home. ''[Rex falls unconscious while One's body starts changing. Eventually his body dissolves and fertilizes the entire island to its former splendor]'' : '''Six:''' He's still One. He's just one with everything. ===Mixed Signals=== : '''Rex:''' Whoa, big guy! Someone needs to ease off on the cheeseburgers. : '''Six:''' Skip the insults. Start the containment. : '''Rex:''' Like its feelings are going to get hurt. One bad and ugly going down. What? : '''Six:''' Rex? Rex! : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Six:''' You want to explain this? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. It's like some weird vision of this thing filled my head, then built itself out of me. Maybe the vision came from Blobbo. Maybe it's trying to talk to me. Come on, big boy. Send me some more pictures. What's on your mind? : '''Six:''' Groceries. That's what's on its mind. : '''Rex:''' I'm skipping. I'm over it. That vision must have been a fluke. : '''Six:''' All right, then. We're going with a two-prong attack. Use caution. This kind of EVO might be a splitter. Rex! Snap out of it! : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Ha! I wasn't supposed to do that, right? : '''Six:''' Rex, I want you back at HQ. : '''Rex:''' But I feel okay now. And we've got, um-- Two blobs to put down. : '''Six:''' Now! : '''Holiday:''' No trace of any recent electrochemical or DNA abnormalities. Everything reads normal. : '''Rex:''' But it's like the visions were being transmitted, and I was seeing it from a nanite point of view. : '''Holiday:''' I can't track it, Rex. There's no sign of signal displacement or a nano disturbance. Maybe we should consider the possibility that this is psychological. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Pizza. : '''Holiday:''' I think he's having another vision. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Of lunch? : '''Rex:''' With pineapple and salmon. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Blech! He is nuts. : '''Holiday:''' Aside from a strange choice in pizza toppings, all readings are normal. I can't explain it. : '''Rex:''' Well, if my nanites are trying to get me to build something, maybe we should give them what they want. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Whatever it is, I'm not eating it. Is that my electric toothbrush? : '''Rex:''' It better not be the one I've been using. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Oh. : '''Rex:''' This is what I'm seeing in my head. As stupid as it looks. It's like someone or something is sending me instructions to build some big device. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Or build a pizza with pineapple and salmon. : '''Rex:''' Okay. I'm not sure about that vision. : '''Holiday:''' Is that my hairdryer? : '''Rex:''' I just need to figure out what it does. Maybe it's a time machine. Or-- Or alien technology! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Maybe it's just a big pile of junk. Or a way to order a really awful pizza. : '''Contraption Voice:''' Target acquired. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Wake up! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Provindece Soldier #1:''' Hey, where do you think you're going? We've got a security breach. Front floor. : '''Providence Soldier #2:''' Lockdown protocols enabled. All hands report to duty station. Security speed, take position. : '''Rex:''' Sorry, guys. I might be a little... late. : '''Caesar:''' Case compression. Release. : '''Rex:''' Figures I'd build a machine with a serious attitude problem. : '''Caesar:''' ''[taking off his helmet and turns to Rex]'' Rex, is that you? : '''Rex:''' Who’s asking? : '''Caesar:''' It’s me, Caesar, your brother! Mijo! ''[Hugs Rex]'' You're alive and... older. ''[Rex is dumbfounded]'' Uh. Atomic clock was right... ''[spanish accent]'' Es una problema grande. : '''Rex:''' Uh, yeah. ''[Pushes Caesar]'' It is a big problem. : '''Caesar:''' What is this place? Who are you people? ''[to Rex]'' I'm getting you out of here! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Sorry, amigo. Put your hands up. Or don't. I got a clear shot either way. : '''Caesar:''' ''[is looking at Bobo]'' A talking chimp? : '''Bobo Haha:''' Don't bother. I've heard all the jokes. : '''Caesar:''' Have they hurt you? Are you okay? Stand aside. : '''Rex:''' Hello? Do I get a say in this? : '''Holiday:''' If you're part of some elaborate plan to kidnap Rex, then you failed. : '''Caesar:''' Listen, bonita, you don't wanna make me use this. : '''Rex:''' ''[gets in between them]'' Enough! Normally around here when someone barges in talking crazy, they get around into the deck plates by my giant fists. But you seem legit. I'm going with him. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Okay, brother. Lead the way. So if you are my brother, where have you been all this time? : '''Caesar:''' I'll explain later when we're safe. : '''Rex:''' Uh, this is Providence. We are safe. Usually. : '''Caesar:''' Providence? Never heard of it. To be honest, the last five years has been a bit of a blur. : '''Rex:''' I want to believe you, but I'm gonna need some proof. : '''Caesar:''' Your name is Rex Salazar. Our parents are Violetta and Raphael. The last time I saw you was at the Applied Nanite Research Lab in Abysus; right before those fools triggered a replication cycle. : '''Rex:''' And I have total amnesia so, for all I know, that could be completely bogus. : '''Caesar:''' There's a scar on the back of your left knee you got when you were seven, riding the gantry arm in the reactor annex. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. I always wondered how I got that. :''[they go out and Rex notices Caesar Salazar's pod laboratory]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. Nice wheels. : '''Six:''' ''[Comes out and unsheathed his swords]'' Don't even think about it. : ''[Caesar is about to attack but Rex stops him]'' : '''Rex:''' It's okay. Six isn't going to hurt you. Right, Six? You're comming in a little late on this, but, uh, this is Caesar, my brother, and he wants to get me out of here. So, let's just let my brother have his way and see where this all goes. Wherever you plan on going, they're going to follow us. You know that, right? : '''Caesar:''' They can try. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. Providence ship are pretty fast. : '''Six:''' Track Rex's bio signature and find out who that guy really is. : '''Rex:''' You ain't kidding. This thing moves fast. A-are we in the arctic? : '''Caesar:''' How do you think I got to your location so quickly once the locator signaled me? : '''Rex:''' Locator? You sent me the schematics to build that thing? It tried to crush me like a bug! : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, mijo. I wasn't really trying to hurt. ''[scans Rex's body]'' I was looking for what's hiding inside of you. ''[showing Rex the result]'' The Omega One Nanite. : '''Rex:''' That thing? Holiday discovered it before. We had no idea what it was. : '''Caesar:''' I sent signal instructions for the Omega One to track and contain. But since the nanite has integrated into your DNA, you became the conduit for building the machine. What I don't get is how the Omega One got inside of you. Rylander was supposed to have that under lock and key. : '''Rex:''' Rylander? He's the one who put it inside me. : '''Caesar:''' Why would he do a thing like that? I'm really gonna have to let old fool have it when I see him. : '''Rex:''' Not possible-- Courtesy of Van Kleiss. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss?! What does that third-rate lab hack have to do with this? : '''Rex:''' What? I guess I’m not the only one who needs an update. Where have you been? : '''Caesar:''' It's a long story-- actually, short by my clock. A splinter group had formed at the lab. They had other ideas about how the nanites would be used. We tried to stop them, and you were hurt. The only way to save your life was an infusion of nanites. It was risky, but it worked. We thought that'd be enough to stop the others, make them see the right path. But we were wrong. Mom and Dad were in the reactor. As for me, I managed to escape in my lab. But the shock wave, the same shock wave that probably blanked your memory.... also interfered with engine that powers this pod. I was stuck in sub-light drive. : '''Rex:''' How long? : '''Caesar:''' Fifteen minutes. That's how long it took me to reboot the system. But at the speed I was going, it was 5 years of your time. I knew there was an accident, but I had no idea how bad. My nanite sensors were off the charts. My 1st priority was to insure the OM-1 was safe. That was our promise. And here we are. So, what have I missed these past five years? : '''Rex:''' Providence? We need to talk. They can wait. : '''Caesar:''' So let me understand, there are EVOs and Van Kleiss claimed as their leader? : '''Rex:''' Well, not for all of them, yet. I want to know about me, about our parents. : '''Caesar:''' They were scientists. We lived all over the world. Things settled down when you came along. That was in Geneva. : '''Rex:''' Wait a second. Are you saying I'm Swiss? : ''Caesar:'' Not really. Mother was born in Mexico City. Father in Buenos Aires. : '''Rex:''' And they're really... gone? ''[Caesar slowly nods sadly]'' : '''Rex:''' Um, where exactly did this ship take us? : '''Caesar:''' What do you know?We're back at the original lab site. : '''Rex:''' You mean the one in Abysus? : '''Caesar:''' Is that a problem? : '''Rex:''' I'd say just a small one. We should go, like now. : '''Caesar:''' ''[typing]'' Hmm... Must be low on charge. ''[walks out the door]'' We may be stuck, but on the bright side, I can take a look at some of these variegated organisms. ''[goes out]'' : '''Rex:''' Caesar! Wait! : ''[outside and observing the EVOs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating. We theorized mutations might occur but never anything this random. : ''[Rex hits the EVO before they got near Caesar]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Sorry, bro, but these guys-- : ''[Rex hits another EVO]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Usually don't sit still for questions. : '''Caesar:''' ''[seeing Rex's new build]'' Hmm... That's new. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Guess I've learned a-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' A few tricks. But they still won't be enough if Van Kleiss shows up with all his goons. Six! : '''Six:'''We're locked onto you. The keep is already on its way. : '''Rex:''' Your ship may be out of juice, but I'm not. Hop on. I can get us out of here. : '''Caesar:''' I won't leave my lab, and you definitely don't want Van Kleiss getting his hands on some of the things in here. I'll try to reroute the capacitors to an alternate power source. : '''Caesar:''' Oh, you wanna see a photo of you, me, and papi? Maybe later. : '''Rex:''' You're a little off, aren't you, Caesar? : '''Biowulf:''' What was that machine it flew off with? : '''Van Kleiss:''' A laboratory. One I thought I'd never see again. It seems an old friend has returned-Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Providence isn't so bad now, eh, hermano? : '''Caesar:''' Is this a Grinnell? They always made good consoles, except for the random power surges. : '''Six:''' Well? : '''Rex:''' Everything's cool. He's a little kooky, but I'm pretty sure he's my brother. : '''Six:''' Glad to hear it. Now I need you back. We still have some unfinished business. : '''Rex:''' Got to get back to work. : '''Caesar:''' My little brother, the hero. I remember when you just wanted to be a musician. : '''Rex:''' Guitar? No, wait drums. : '''Caesar:''' Accordion. : '''Rex:''' You got to be kidding me! : '''Six:''' As I recall, you started it. : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Six:''' The EVO is dividing faster than we can contain it. The city is being evacuated. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Excuse me, admiral. I need you to take me down there immediately. Afraid I'll have to insist. : '''Six:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Are you crazy?! : '''Caesar:''' Depends on who you ask. I had something in my lab that I thought could help. : '''Six:''' Help? You're not even supposed to be outside the keep. : '''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Way to go, bro! First day on the job, and you already got a save! : '''Six:''' Job? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on, admit it, Six. He just saved our chicharrones. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? What's so funny? : '''Caesar:''' You always make me laugh when you try to speak Spanish. : '''Holiday:''' We've pulled his records, and I've confirmes his DNA. It seems Rex really does have a brother. : '''White Knight:''' If everything I've read about him is true, he could be an incredible asset to Providence. : '''Six:''' Or a major liability. : '''White Knight:''' All the more reason to keep him with us. Give him whatever he needs. : '''Holiday:''' White's right, Six. He knows more about nanites than anyone on the planet. He helped invent them. : '''Six:''' My point exactly. He's settling in? : '''Rex:''' I guess so. Caesar's a little strange. Hard to believe he's actually my brother. : '''Six:''' I'm happy for you, Rex. You always said you wanted to find your family. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but... You know that? I already did. Caesar may be my brother, but you, Holiday, Bobo, you're who I have a connection with. : '''Bobo:''' Aww, now, see, I'm getting all misty. : '''Caesar:''' There you are. Hmm. Nice view. Say, mijo, you think your cafeteria could whip up a pizza with pineapple and salmon? I've been craving one for days. : '''Bobo:''' Connection, huh? ===Outpost=== :'''Valentina:''' Ugh! We were returning them to their natural habitat! What Providence does is wrong and against the natural order of things! You're a traitor to your own kind. :'''Rex:''' That's creature's job is to ''exterminate'' mankind! It wanted to kill you! ===Haunted=== ===Moonlighting=== ===Without a Paddle=== ===Written in Sand=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I need an uptade. :'''Rex''': I'm right at the edge. Anything still alive in there is trying to get away from the sandstorm. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's not the storm they're running from. The nanites inside them are forcing the animals away. It's creating a kind of nanite-free zone. :'''Rex''': Ha! We should call White Knight. Maybe he'll move here and leave us all alone. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's no laughing matter, Rex. It could be the most significant development since the original nanite event. :'''Rex''': Yeah, yeah. Possible cures save the world-- Got it. I'll check it out. :'''Bobo''': Hey, doc. You may wanna get a load of this over here. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Negative. The storm is moving in too fast. Just place a sensor and pack it in. :'''Rex''': Hey. No. It couldn't be. Rex to base. We got trouble of the egomaniacal EVO kind. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Van Kleiss is here? Why am I not surprised? :'''Rex''': I think the real question is, if everything else is in such a race to get out, why is he going on? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, wait. :'''Rex''': Don't worry, doc. It's me. What could possibly happen? :'''Skalamander''': RARGH! PTUH! They're nothing but dirt. :'''Biowulf''': My senses-- Useless in all this sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': This phenomenon deserves my personal attention. What we seek is nearby. I can feel it pushing against me. :'''Rex''': ''[Rex emerges from the sand storm]'' Yeah? :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex''': ''[Rex kicks Skalamander]'' How about kicking against you, too? :'''Van Kleiss''': Rex! You're not welcome here. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Now, that hurt my feelings! :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Skalamander pins him to the sand, causing him to groan in pain]'' :''[Skalamander laughs]'' :'''Rex''': Aaah! Whoa! :'''Van Kleiss''': If I never see your face again, It will be too soon! :'''Rex''': Yeah? The feeling's-- Whoa! Mutual! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex? Rex, do you read me? :''[Bobo coughing]'' :'''Bobo''': Okay, we gotta get outta here. I got sand in places I didn't even know I had places. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, if you can hear me, we're retreating to the safe zone. Rendezvous with us there. :'''Rex''': AAAAH! WHOA-OHHHHHHH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex coughs]'' :'''Rex''': Okay, Kleiss-- Go time! No EVO allies, just you and-- Whoa! Uh, sorry, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you along for the ride. :'''Van Kleiss''': I don't need my EVO allies, when I can simply make more. :'''Rex''': Don't get me wrong-- I love punching stuff. But anything you can do, I can undo better! We can do this all day. Or you can just spill it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': Why are you causing this nanite-free zone? :'''Van Kleiss''': How convenient it must be to make me the root of all evil. I'm not causing it. I've come to discover the source and destroy it. :'''Rex''': This could be the cure to nanites. :'''Van Kleiss''': And I live off nanites. What Providence calls a cure, I call death. :'''Rex''': Really? Haven't we moved past this? :'''Van Kleiss''': Huh? :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :''[After Van Kleiss creates a scorpion EVO to attack Rex, it attacks him instead.]'' :'''Rex''': That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Hang on-- I got to get this on video. ''[Takes out cell phone and starts recording Van Kleiss dodging the scorpion EVO.]'' :''[Van Kleiss panting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Something's wrong. I should be controlling this creature. :'''Rex''': Stinks to be you. Huh? You ruined my shot! :'''Van Kleiss''': I believe we've found something more interesting. :'''Rex''': You like to point out the obvious, don't you? :'''Bobo''': Don't get me wrong-- I love the kid, but if we don't pull stakes now, we'll be combing dust outta all sorts of places for years. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Too late. Hold on to everything that's not tied down. This is going to be a bumpy... ride. :'''Six''': Holiday? I trust you're all right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': I'm fine, Six. But Rex is still out there-- With Van Kleiss. I can't reach him. :'''Six''': We'll prep a rescue party. Prepare to come aboard. :'''Rex''': Hey! :'''Van Kleiss''': This is not simply a nanite-free zone. Something is stealing the nanites from our bodies. If we linger here too long, we may both find ourselves defenseless against the other. :'''Rex''': Well, then, we'd better blow this joint. And when I say "we" I mean "me". :''[Rex tries to escape and fails]'' :'''Rex''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': If either of us is to escape this place, we will have to work together. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': What exactly are you suggesting? :'''Van Kleiss''': A temporary truce. :'''Rex''': An extremely temporary truce. :'''Van Kleiss''': We'll work our way to the center of the nanite storm. :'''Rex''': No, we work our way out of the nanite storm and get Providence in here to figure out what's happening. :'''Van Kleiss''': Providence? They can't be trusted. :'''Rex''': Them? Didn't you try to take over New York? And Europe? And the world? :'''Van Kleiss''': You need to listen to me, Rex. Without a powers, you're nothing but a child. :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah? Truce over! Okay. This is awkward. Hey, is it just me, or are you getting really dust? :'''Van Kleiss''': It's happening faster than I thought. :'''Rex''': What's happening faster? If you know something, you'd better spit it out, or-- Whoa! It all looks fossilized. Like it's made completely out of... sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': Not only are there no nanites here, this is pure silicone. There are no other elements-- No carbon, calcium, hydrogen. It appears that this zone not only destroys nanites, but is-- :'''Rex''': Squeezing the life from the Earth. This isn't sand. This is me! :''[Rex whimpering]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': These glyphs-- There's something familiar about them. Sumatran? Mesopotamian? :'''Rex''': Less geeking, more escaping! :'''Van Kleiss''': We need to find the epicenter of this maze. These glyphs may hold the answer. :'''Rex''': Only if one says "exit sign." :'''Van Kleiss''': No need to panic, Rex. We have at least twenty minutes before fossilization-- Give or take. :'''Rex''': "Don't panic"-- Says the guy who used to be dirt. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex''': We're turning into walking litter boxes, and you're checking out caveman graffiti? No wonder I'm always kicking your butt. :'''Van Kleiss''': You don't have an investigative bone in your body, do you? So strongheaded-- Just like your mother. ''[Rex is silent]'' No, you don't like that, do you-- That I know more about you than you do? :'''Rex''': Skip the head games. Isn't exactly a good time. :'''Van Kleiss''': No, but perhaps it is time for some truth. We may perish down here, Rex. Ask me anything you want about the past, and I'll answer it. :'''Rex''': ''[looks at his own slowly fossilizing body]'' Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. :''[walks away]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, so the great and powerful Providence has finally come through on their promise to help you remember your past. :'''Rex''': Something better-- Someone who was actually there at the Nanite Event. :'''Van Kleiss''': Aha. Your brother, Caesar. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': I've been following you both very closely since his... miraculous reappearance. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, this one's for free. Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': ''[creates his BFS and holds it at Van Kleiss' throat]'' What are you getting at? :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, no, no. That's not how this works. It isn't my turn. Quid pro quo, Rex. If you want to know more-- Why don't we start with something simple? Rylander's Omega Nanite. I know it's inside you. :'''White Knight''': Status uptade? :'''Six''': Still no fix on Rex. Scanners can't cut through the storm, so we're moving in to stage a recon. :'''White Knight''': I will not risk everyone on board that ship for one agent. Not even that agent. :''[Holiday subtly ends the call. Then to Six]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Whoops. Guess the satellite feed went down. Nasty sand. :''[Six smirks]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Caesar? Wanted you to know we haven’t found him yet. :'''Caesar''': Found who? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. :'''Caesar''': Right. Ah. Sorry. That was, uh, fifteen minutes ago. I've done about five hundred task since then. Try calibrating the keep's sensors to search for traces of Selenium. It's something Rex naturally gives off, like dandruff. :'''Dr. Holiday''': I-- Really? Hmm. Okay, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss''': So what you're saying is, the motor runs off of gravity and the only exhausts are atoms of selenium. :'''Rex''': Now you. Squid Pro... Whatever. The nanites, the Event. What started all this? :'''Van Kleiss''': He didn't tell you? I'm not surprised. It was Caesar. :''[Rex pushes Van Kleiss to nearest wall and take out his BFS once again]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Wasteful, Rex. :'''Rex''': You're lying! :'''Van Kleiss''': Hardly. Your brother is responsible for the most significant catastrophe in human history. You have to admit that as brilliant as Caesar is, he's... not quite right. Am I telling you something that you haven't already noticed? :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': HAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss coughing]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': You seem to have awoken some sort of defense mechanism. :'''Rex''': What are they defending? Rocks? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Before we're totally devoid of nanites, we need to end this now-- Together. :'''Rex''': Back to back! :'''Van Kleiss''': What? :'''Rex''': Haven't you ever read a comic book? Back to back! No way. These markings-- They're not hieroglyphics. They're circuit boards. This whole cave, this valley-- It's one giant circuit board. These are data conduits-- Ms. Hubs! :'''Van Kleiss''': You're right. These spirals are solid-state storage-- The standard design for a firewall in a CPU. :'''Rex''': Did you just say I'm right? Now that I know what we're dealing with, it's a simple matter of-- Hacking in. This is malo-- Muy malo. Van Kleiss, meet the psycho computer who calls herself-- :'''Van Kleiss''': Zag-RS? :'''Rex''': How do you know that? ''[Zag-RS notices them and attacks them]'' You know Zag-RS? How? :'''Van Kleiss''': She was designed as a decontamination program at the original nanite laboratory. Her task was to destroy any rogue nanites that escaped from the holding tanks. :'''Rex''': She did a great job. Whoever designed her should be taken out and beaten with a tendril. :'''Van Kleiss''': Caesar designed her. :'''Rex''': I'm gonna have to have a chat with my brother when this is over. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Focus, you fool. If we're to survive this, we have to use whatever nanites we have left to shut her down. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': No problemo! Ah, come on! Stay up! Show off! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Well, this bites. :''[Rex straining]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Didn't I leave you in orbit? Shouldn't you have burned up in re-entry or something? :'''Zag-RS''': Re-entry resulted in a hard desert landing. This unit faced complete system failure. Salvation came from integration with the host space station power cell, where new initiatives were established. :'''Rex''': Turning the world into a sandbox? :'''Zag-RS''': Correct. The prevention of organic infection by elimination of organic matter and securing the Earth core system. Soon, this world will function without flaw. :'''Rex''': Van Kleiss! Change of plan! While, I've got Zaggy occupied, you go and warn Providence before it's too late! :'''Van Kleiss''': There's no time. Her strength is growing exponentially. To achieve victory, you must trust me. :'''Rex''': Trust you?! That's comedy gold! Even if I was that big of a doof, neither one of us had enough power to fight back! :'''Van Kleiss''': That's not entirely true. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Van Kleiss''': I've not been completely honest with you. :'''Rex''': Stunned-- Really. :'''Van Kleiss''': The Omega Nanite within you has a self-replicating program. You can create your own nanites. :'''Rex''': What?! Why didn't you tell me! :'''Van Kleiss''': A calculated emission. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': No way. :'''Van Kleiss''': There-- That is the heart of Zag-RS. Strike while you can! :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah! Now we're talking! Normally, I don't fight girls, but this time I'll make... A big... giant... robot exception! :'''Dr. Holiday''': I found him, Six-- twenty kilometers northeast. There's a huge spike in trace selenium. :'''Six''': Charge all weapons. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The storm's starting to break. But please don't crash. :'''Rex''': YAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': That's not fair! It worked in the movie! :''[Rex whimpers]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :'''Rex''': AAAH! :'''Zag-RS''': You have miscalculated, human. The more nanites you replicate, the more energy you supply me. 7.5 seconds until I overtake your production. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Zag-RS''': 4.3 seconds. :'''Van Kleiss''': AAAAAAAAAH! :'''Rex''': YAAAAAAH! One psycho robot down, one supervillain to chicken! Finally! :'''Bobo''': What, you never heard the term "fashionably late"? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Your nanite-replicating function seems to be working well. Most of Zag-RS' alterations have been expunged. :'''Rex''': Meaning... What? :'''Bobo''': You ain't gonna wash away at high tide. :'''Caesar''': This is my design. :'''Rex''': Great-- My brother created Zag-RS. :'''Caesar''': Evidently. Though her evolution into some sort of sentient nanite-slayer is most curious. :'''Six''': Curious? :'''Rex''': What about what Van Kleiss said? :'''Caesar''': You mean I'm to blame for the original nanite event? Why don't we ask her? Wait! Interface protocols. Code designate Zag-RS. Respond. :'''Zag-RS''': Dr. Salazar. Good morning. How may I assist you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Stand down, gentlemen. Zag-RS has been successfully rebooted. But her memory has been wiped clean. :'''Rex''': What? You got to be kidding me! :'''Caesar''': That's interesting. Hmm. Van Kleiss must have implemented a program dump before he left you. It's the only logical conclusion. :'''Rex''': Program dump? :'''Van Kleiss''': Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': Great. So now all we've got is a lame decontamination program with a GPS lady's voice? :'''Caesar''': GPS lady? Hardly. :'''Rex:''' I was making a joke. :'''Caesar''': Don't you recognize it? When I programmed her, I wanted a voice that meant safety, protection, caring. Rex, this is our mother's voice. :'''Rex''': ''[shocked]'' Mama? ===Night Falls=== : '''Rex:''' If she's not really our grandmother, why are you calling her ''aubuela''? : '''Caesar:''' There may not be a biological connection but she practically ran the entire town. When you were a boy, you spent every summer here. : '''Rex:''' I wish I could remember...or any of this. ===Hard Target=== : '''Rex:''' "It's Breach! She's-" : '''Circe:''' "Messing with you, Rex. Did you actually see on her the other side?" : '''Rex:''' "Well, no but...OK, why Hong Kong?" : '''Circe:''' "Because it's on the other side of the world, because she's seriously messed up." : '''Cricket:'''" Kind of like our place." : '''Circe:''' "Trust me. She's back in Abysus laughing it off with the rest of the Pack. Besides, I'm not that easy to find." : (''Removes the white towel to reveal her shoulder-length black hair partly dyed a deep plum and having donned a dark gray overall dress'') : '''Rex:''' "OK, Rex. Bad intro. Take a do-over. Like the new look." : '''Circe:''' "Wow. A compliment." <hr width80%> :'''Skywdd:''' "And that's when Circe goes all [[w:Siren (mythology)|siren]] and blasts the bus driver's pants clean off." :'''Circe:''' "Lucky shot. Hit the exact frequency of polyester." :'''Tuck:''' "Good thing his boxers were cotton." :'''Rex''' (''uncomfortable'')''':''' "Good one. Uh, Circe, remember when you took down that sea monster in Cabo Luna?" :'''Circe:''' "Please, Rex, I'd rather not remember that right now." :'''Skywdd:''' Geez, Rex. Buzzkill." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Stop it." :'''Skywdd:''' "What's with him?" :'''Circe:''' "Breach lag. Let clean over his bedtime." :'''Rex:''' "That and my early morning snooze. By the way, you were right. Breach wasn't after you. She freed Quarry. Got this from the Providence security feed." :'''Skywdd:''' "Quarry?" :'''Tuck:''' "He's lose?" :'''Cricket:''' "Oh no." :'''Circe:''' "You saw Breach and came back ''here!'' What if she followed you!?" :'''Rex:''' "Don't worry. If Breach were here, I'd feel it. She's here." <hr width80%> : '''Breach:''' "Hey, girlfriend." : '''Circe:''' "Get out of here, Breach!" : '''Breach:''' "But Van Kleiss has so been wanting to chat." : '''Circe:''' "Then deliver a message for him! " : (''Uses her ultrasonic bursts on Breach, who creates a portal behind her, knocking her out with her own sonic abilities)'' : '''Rex:''' "Let her go, Breach!!" : '''Breach:''' "Oh, sorry, Rex. She's gonna save my skin. V.K.'s tough on failure, remember?" : (''Teleports away with an unconscious Circe on her shoulder'') : '''Rex:''' "NO!!" <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Hold that thought. You can come out now. I got that creeped out feeling." :'''Breach:''' "Peek a boo." : '''Skwydd:''' "It's her!'' She took Circe." : '''Rex:''' But not to Van Kleiss. You never went to Abysus, did you? You slipped her into your little pocket dimension. Let her go, Breach! : '''Breach:''' And I agree to that...why? : '''Rex:''' "Because you wouldn't want Van Kleiss to see this. I'm thinking a trade is in order." : (''Breach releases Circe, who is caught by Skwydd'') : '''Circe:''' "I hate you, Breach." ===A Family Holiday=== :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The pace of study has been staggeringly slow. There have been no significant advancements in nanite research since the original event. Simply put, Providence is not doing enough. What is required is not a military response, but a serious, thoughtful reaction, a scientific answer. The poor and afflicted deserve more. The world, deserves more. Let me introduce Diane. Mother of three. Diane has been diagnosed as incurable, a lost cause. Since then, she's been treated like an animal, locked away from her family... No hope on the horizon. Until now. At Moses Labs, we don't rely on tanks, guns, or secret weapons-- Only an unwavering belief that whatever science breaks, science can fix. Welcome back, Diane. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Happy birthday, little sister. :'''Rex:''' Hope that I paid the bills. This is going to be expensive. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Release the hounds. :''[a door opens revealing some Evo hounds]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Heh! I thought that was just a figure of speech. You're a sick puppy. :'''Rex:''' Aah! Not cool, bro! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[Spanish accent]'' Agua, por favor. :'''Caesar:''' Water second, probes first. :'''Rex:''' No offense, but being a guinea pig is a lot less fun when it's you instead of Holiday. :'''Caesar:''' Don't I run the biometric tests with the same efficiency? :'''Rex:''' How are we related? Have you looked at Holiday? :'''Bobo Haha:''' She ain't my species and even I know she's a hottie. :'''Caesar:''' She is... very smart. :'''Rex:''' Where is the Doc anyway? She usually can't wait to get her hands on me. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Saw her this morning, looking pretty grim. :'''Agent Six:''' It's her sister. Her sister's birthday to be precise. Holiday gets introspective this time of year. :'''Caesar:''' Her sister? Oh, is she smart too? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hey guys. Can't talk. Hangar! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Ah, human dames. I don't know how you guys keep up. :''[Dr. Holiday pants]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Thank you for coming, Dr. Moses. It's a genuine honor. :'''Rex:''' Who the heck is that guy? Why is Holiday acting all fangirl around him? :'''Caesar:''' It's Dr. Brandon Moses, the leading researcher in technogenic transmorphing! If anyone's going to develop a kill for EVOs, it's going to be him! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Now, that's actin' fan-girl. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Not the worst I've seen. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you help her? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Beverly would be an excellent candidate for my treatments. Have her transported to my facility. :'''Rex:''' Hold up! I know you have a bunch of letters after your name, but curing EVOs is what I do. Some of them-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Some you just can't handle, Rex. Dr. Moses' research goes to places you don't, so if you don't mind-- 10 minutes, then we'll be in the air. Thank you, doctor. I've earned 5 years' worth of personal time, Knight. I plan to use it all. :'''White Knight:''' I don't like it, but I like your sister even less. Go for your "cure", Holiday. But if it doesn't work, don't bring her back. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Agent Six:''' What do you really know about Dr. Moses? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what I saw. :'''Agent Six:''' You're not taking her to the doctor for a checkup. Has he handed you supporting data? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why won't you let me have this? It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Rex got here. :'''Agent Six''': I think you've lost your objectivity. If you can't help her-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's the point! I can't! I need this cure. If you won't help me, stay out of my way! :'''Rex:''' Any chance she's right? :'''Agent Six:''' Hope she is. :'''Rex:''' But we're not going to sit around and do nothing in case she's wrong, right? Today you're my sidekick-- Not a fashion-challenged soccer mom blocking my mojo. If there's any chance of playing hero for Holiday, I call dibs. :'''Security guard:''' Dr. Moses' inventions are not for public viewing-- Especially not by Providence. :''[Security guard grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' That "soccer mom" comment really got to you, huh? When did science geeks start packing heat? Huh? :'''Agent Six:''' Check the machine. :'''Rex:''' I'm no engineer, but as far as I can tell, all this thing does is light up and go "ping". They never cured it! This was a scam! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday's in trouble. Holiday, Moses is a fraud. There is no cure! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What's going on here? Moses, what is this? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Business, Dr. Holiday-- Big business. Now, if you wouldn't mind stepping aside so I can collect your sister-- :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday?! What's happening?! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Or don't step aside. I'm good either way. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! We've got our coordinates. Go! :'''Rex:''' It's a hundred miles away! :'''Agent Six:''' Correct. :'''Rex:''' Hold on to your swords, old man! :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]:'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I trusted you! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' A bad trait, a scientist. But look on the bright side-- You won't be locked in a cell anymore. That was just... Shameful. :'''Rex:''' Be the hero. Be the hero. Be the-- :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ...Zero. You'll be a lot less grouchy in a few seconds, pal. Half cured? That's new. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They've got Beverly. :'''Rex:''' You wanna talk to her? :'''Agent Six:''' Now's not the time. :'''Rex:''' And when exactly is. She needs a friend, Six. :'''Agent Six:''' I... prefer to keep it professional. Keeps people from getting hurt. :'''Rex:''' Dude. Take off the sunglasses. She's already hurting. If I were you-- :''[Six gets a radio signal]'' :'''Agent Six:''' If you were me, you'd have a lead. Get Holiday. Dust off in 3. :'''Rex:''' Where are we going? :'''Agent Six:''' Moses may be a genius but not because he can cure EVOs. He overpowers them-- Hypercharges the nanites with excess energy to push their transformations. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's why Rex only partially cured that EVO he stripped the EVO of its extra power. But at its core, it was still incurable. :'''Rex:''' We learned something new today. Great. :'''Agent Six:''' Gets worse. Moses has turned his tech into a cottage industry. He takes incurables and weaponizes them to sell to the highest bidder. :'''Rex:''' Don't sugarcoat it, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you find this out? :'''Agent Six:''' I called some former associates-- People who know things, things that good people shouldn't know about. :'''White Knight:''' Question-- Why is my keep on an unapproved mission? :'''Rex:''' It's cool, Knight. We're helping Holiday. :'''White Knight:''' No! We had a deal! Return to base immediately! :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's over guys. I can't drag you down because of my mistake. I won't. :'''Agent Six:''' Keep returning to base. :''[Knight ends the transmission]'' :'''Agent Six:''' I said the keep is returning to base. I didn't say we'd be on the keep. :'''Rex:''' You okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hanging in there. :'''Rex:''' Hanging in there is good. I don't like to see you unhappy, you know. I-I mean-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what you mean. Thanks. :'''Agent Six:''' Better luck next time. :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Jealous much, sidekick? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Who is that? :'''Rex:''' Someone who knows things good people shouldn't. :'''Five:''' Machine boy! Like the new ax? You owe me for the last one. :'''Agent Six:''' We'll talk music later, Five. You have word on Moses? :'''Five:''' Five don't lie. Your guy is running an auction-- Tonight. :'''Agent Six:''' I owe you. :'''Five:''' She's a lot more beautiful than you let on, Six. Try not to screw it up this time. :'''Agent Six:''' You coming? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The EVO is the military ordinance of the future. We all know it. You drop one of these babies into your neighbor's backyard, and it's game over. But to get the most annihilation out of your nanites... you need me. :'''Human EVO:''' You promised to cure! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' My technology not only amps up their abilities, but, for an extra charge, will modify their behavior to suit your needs. What am I bid for this army of one? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Bursting in]'' I'll open with extradition for crimes against humanity! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to his bidders]'' Wait! This is just a minor disturbance. :''[Moses groans]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to Holiday]'' Do you know what you just cost me, all for one hopless wreck?! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday hits Moses]'' Her name is Beverly. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Then give sissy a hug. :'''Dr Holiday:''' No! Don't hurt her, Rex! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, sure. Handle with care. Whoa! Can you tell her that, too? :'''Agent Six:''' Going nowhere? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Uh, let's not be ''[chuckling]'' rash. :''[Holiday slaps Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I'm gonna have to get you a dictionary. Rash will not help anyone, especially not Beverly. :''[Holiday grabs Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Who can still be cured. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday drops Moses]'' What? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Brandishing his swords]'' No games. Truth or dead. :'''Rex:''' Fight still going! Need assistance! Big time! Whoa! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I did invent a machine that de-powered nanites, almost. But the bonds and nanite particles were too strong to break. Instead, I discovered that I could reverse the polarity to its maximum, overpowering the nanites. It's easier and-- Profitable. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' But you did isolate the bonds? So, you can break them! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Ugh! Unh! Okay, I called hero, but I need some extra kick for my sidekick! Unh! Seriously! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Time to earn a return on my investments! Kill them all! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! :'''White Knight:''' I won't even bother telling you the trouble you're in. Catch those other EVOs and report to my office the moment you're back. :'''Rex:''' What other EVO-O-O-O-Os? :''[Rex turns around and notices the EVOs behind him]'' :'''Rex:''' Ooos? :'''Rex:''' Think they got it? :'''Agent Six:''' They'd better. We're busy. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Okay. That's the flux transponder. That's the nanite energizer. Don't you explode on me-- Not now. Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'll hand the one crazed sister. You take the other. It'll be like a double date. Don't bother... your sister... while she's working! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I can see what he did, but... uh... there's no time! I can't-- I can't help her! It's over. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday-- Rebecca-- You are the strongest, smartest woman I have ever met, and the most stubborn. :''[Six removes his glasses and looks her in the eyes]'' :'''Agent Six:''' You never give up. If there's a way to help your sister, find it-- now! :''[Slight pause. Holiday smiles and puts Six's glasses back on his face then leaves]'' :'''Agent Six:''' That's my girl. New plan. Corral her to the machine. :'''Rex:''' Plans are good! Yah! What you got, Doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Moses was right. The polarity of the nanite energizer is wrong! I have to amplify and reverse it. But I don't have-- Six... Your magna blades-- But it would be too dangerous. Six! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six! :'''Agent Six:''' Is it working? :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's working. :'''Rex:''' Six, get out of there! :'''Agent Six:''' You called hero on this one, Rex! Finish it-- For her! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Get them out, Rex-- Both of them-- Now! :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Doc! You gotta see this! :''[Dr. Holiday panting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[as she's trying to revive Six]'' Don't you do this to me! I will hate you forever if you-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :''[Six coughs]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rebecca? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Beverly! :'''Rex:''' That was... I'm... Wow! Six, I've never said it before and I'll probably never say it again, but... I'm honored to be your partner. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Mushy stuff? Oh! Glad I missed it. :'''Rex:''' But don't ever do anything like that again. :'''Agent Six:''' Agreed. But you have to admit though... It was worth it. :''[Dr. Holiday and Beverly laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' We're not running a boarding house here. No more relatives. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need her for a few more tests, sir. She was only 13 when she went Evo, and she's in a fragile state. :'''Beverly:''' Woo Hoo! :''[Beverly laughing]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rex just took me on a ride through the Zoo on his cycle. :'''White Knight:''' "Fragile." Right. :'''Rex:''' We're going to the mall. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you asking permission? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm asking if we can have some money. Providence pays me nada. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can I have a word with you? :'''Agent Six:''' Sure this is a good idea? Could ruin your hero status with Holiday. :'''Rex:''' It's funny. After meeting Bev, out of nowhere, it hit me that Doc Holiday is just a little too old for me. So, since I'm out of the way, I guess there's nothing stopping you anymore, huh, "hero"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Well... right. I guess... I'll set up those tests. :''[Holiday starts to walk past Six. Six takes a hold of her hand]'' :'''Agent Six:''' Or... we could get some dinner. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Outside? In the real world? Like real people? Like a-- :'''Agent Six:''' Yes. Like a date. :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's about time. ===Hong Kong Nights=== ===Whispers in the Dark=== ===Cutting It Close=== ===Exposed=== :'''White Knight''': All Providence personnel, this is a priority-one alert. :'''Agent Six''': Do not panic. Remember your training. :'''White Knight''': In all my years of working at Providence, never have I been put in such a situation. These interlopes could be anywhere at any given moment. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, what's all the-- Whoa! Sorry. We're late. :'''Bobo Haha''': You can't prove a thing! :'''White Knight''': Watch what you say. Watch what you do. The very future of Providence may depend upon it. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, what's going on? Van Kleiss attack in the HQ again? :'''Agent Six''': Worse. :'''Diane Farrah:''' I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. And to find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Rex Salazar''': Aah. :'''Diane Farrah''': All your questions are about to be answered. Welcome to Providence Exposed! ''[Camera closes-up on her face]'' On Ultimate Exposure! And cut. Great into, guys. Okay, moving on. :'''Rex Salazar''': This is cool. :'''Agent Six''': This is wrong. :'''Rex Salazar''': How's my hair? :'''Bobo Haha''': Delicious. :'''White Knight''': Ladies and gentlemen, the delightful Miss Farrah and her crew have used the Freedom of Information Act to force. :''[White Knight clears his throat]'' :'''White Knight''': To allow them access to a day in the life of Providence. And to ensure you are afforded the very best Providence has to offer, I'm assigning our top man as your personal guide. :''[Rex moves towards the news team]'' :'''White Knight''': Six, please show Miss Farrah whatever she wants to see. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. On behalf of Providence, I'd like to welcome you to our facility. :'''Diane Farrah''': Spare me the small talk. I'm here to ask the tough questions, and I expect truthful answers. :'''Agent Six''': Shoot. :'''Diane Farrah''': So.. is there a Mrs. Six? :''[Combs her hair]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Smooth. :'''Rex Salazar''': Like you'd have done better. :'''Bobo Haha''': Are you kidding? They want exposed. I'm going to give that reporter a piece of my mind and a few other pieces while I'm at it. I got stories that'll make them run screaming for the hills. :''[Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''Agent Six''': If you'll follow me, I'll be happy to show you one of our nanite research labs up close and personal. EVO control is our primary area of concentration, but Providence is focused on a great many studies. Each employing the best and the brightest our planet has to offer. :'''Rex Salazar''': Thanks, Six. You know, this is my brother's lab. He's only like the smartest guy in the entire world. Yeah, being the best at what we do totally runs in our family. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time. :'''Agent Six''': That experiment is highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, how did you become a Providence agent? :'''Agent Six''': That's also highly sensitive. :'''Rex Salazar''': Amazing story though about how I became a Providence agent. See, there was this big accident. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Good morning. My name is Dr. Rebecca Holiday, And I'm the chief research officer for the Providence Laboratory Facilities - specializing in the study of evology. Providence's number one priority is the security of our planet. And through the studying and understanding the forces that threaten us-- :'''Diane Farrah''': Let's cut to the chase, shall we, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, um, okay. :'''Diane Farrah''': How do you balance the threat of EVOs, the constant danger... with being a woman? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Uh. :''[Dr. Holiday laughs nervously]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, excuse me. :'''Rex Salazar''': Speaking of studying, check this out. You can edit that, right? :'''Diane Farrah''': We're all about the editing. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, maybe you could show these journalists some of your other duties, like what you're supposed to be doing right now, for instance. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, man. That's right. Come on. You're going to love this. :'''Diane Farrah''': EVOs come from far and wide for a chance to be cured by this young man. How often do you do this? :'''Rex Salazar''': At least once a week here at HQ. When I'm in other parts of the county or the world, Providence sets up a mobile cure station. There are a lot of people out there who need my help. I only wish I could get to them all. Wait. Um, let my try again. ''[after Rex can't cure an EVO]'' Shut it off. :'''Diane Farrah''': But this is really good drama, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I asked to be on TV. They didn't. Please give these people their privacy. :'''Bobo Haha''': Come on, buddy. Everybody has an off day. :'''Rex Salazar''': In front of millions of viewers? So much for everyone's favorite Providence man of mystery. :'''Bobo Haha''': Well, they're just lucky they haven't had the camera on me yet. Oh man, talk about Ultimate Exposure. When I get through with them-- :'''Rex Salazar''': I just wish I could look cool on camera somehow. :'''Bobo Haha''': Phbt! Good luck. The only way that's going to happen now is if some experimental EVOs busted out of their cages and went on a rampage so you could round them up and look like a hero. :'''Diane Farrah''': Providence isn't known for being forthcoming with information. I hope this interview will change that. The people want answers and I fully expect them from you. :'''White Knight''': Very well. What do you want to know? :'''Diane Farrah''': For starters, how do you get fresh milk without any nanites in it? :'''White Knight''': If you must know, it's passed through a powerful magnet that removes and neutralizes any nanite activity. :'''Agent Six''': Observe. :''[White Knight smacks lips]'' :'''White Knight''': Anything else? :'''Diane Farrah''': Not at the moment, but I'll be back. :'''White Knight''': I look forward to it. :''[White Knight sips]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, what do you think about White Knight's obsession with staying nanite-free at the expense of human contact? :'''Agent Six''': He's a man of many mysteries. :'''Rex Salazar''': Look out! Coming through! Dangerous escaped EVOs on the loose! Stand back! Let a professional handle this! :'''Diane Farrah''': Follow him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yeah, I'm kind of awesome. :'''Bobo Haha''': Did you get them all? :'''Rex Salazar''': How many did you release? :'''Bobo Haha''': I don't know, three or four. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, which was it? Three or four? :''[Rex Salazar gasps]'' :'''Agent Six''': Well then. Now that Rex's little demonstration is over, how about a visit to the Providence gift shop? On me. :'''Diane Farrah''': How long has Providence had a gift shop? :'''Agent Six''': Since 8:00 A.M. You want to tell me how a class by EVO got out of its electromagnetically-sealed container and just happened to cross paths with our tour? :'''Rex Salazar''': It's not like this kind of thing doesn't happen here all the time. I just wanted it to happen this time, in front of the camera, all right? :'''Agent Six''': Not all right. That last EVO-- You just helped it molt so it could grow. Its body is still out there somewhere, getting bigger. :'''White Knight''': Providence is run like a finely tuned machine. Until you decide to throw a monkey wrench into the works. :'''Bobo Haha''': Hey, pal, let's leave the comedy to me. :'''White Knight''': And how is it exactly that these EVOs got out? :'''Bobo Haha''': Okay, Mea Culpa. I may have accidentally knocked open a cage or two-- Or four. :'''Dr. Holiday''': That fourth cage was electromagnetically sealed. :'''Bobo Haha''': I didn't say it was easy. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The EVO we had contained in there feeds on electricity. It must be kept away from any electrical current. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then it sure is a good thing this whole place isn't full of electricity. Oh, wait. :'''White Knight''': Find it. Subdue it. And most importantly, don't let that camera crew see it. :'''Bobo Haha''': Eh, were wastin' time hunting this thing down when I could be on camera right now, giving those people a piece of my mind. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, I only saw the EVOs empty husk before. What's the real thing look like anyway? Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': That. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Any suggestions? :'''Bobo Haha''': Can you make a soccer net? :''[Rex Salazar and Bobo Haha grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Aha! Got you cornered now. There's no way out. You're overpowered. :'''Bobo Haha''': You were saying? :'''Agent Six''': You wanted to interview me. Now's your chance. Go. :'''Diane Farrah''': Um... okay. Tell me, Six-- May I call you Six?-- What is the real truth behind the nanite event that created the EVOs? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': What is your role, if any, in that event? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified, too. :'''Diane Farrah''': Are you always this talkative? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait. Let me do that again. You didn't get my good side. Which is my good side? :'''Bobo Haha''': Your backside. :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, you promised you were taking us to the heart of the operation. :'''Agent Six''': Right. The heart of the operation. This way. :'''Dr. Holiday''': [Watching from a monitor] It went right. :''[Rex goes to his right. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Camera right! :''[Rex goes to the camera's right]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': How can you miss it now? It's six feet in diameter and weighs five hundred pounds! :'''Rex Salazar''': Less criticizing, more helping! :'''Dr. Holiday''': Try to steer it in the direction of Hallway twelve. We can isolate it in the atrium. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, we've got it contained there now. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No, sorry. I was reading that backwards. Hallway twenty one. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, Hallway twenty one leads to the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, so, no big deal. That's a cold-fission reactor, not electric, right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, all electricity is converted from something-- Wind, solar, hydro-- At the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ohh. :''[Providence Agent screams]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh-hoh. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, listen carefully and do exactly as I say because we're only going to get one shot at this. :'''Diane Farrah''': One shot at what, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': The... future. Providence is the future. The future used to be the space program. Now the future is Providence and the science of EVOs. :'''Rex Salazar''': Doc? Are you still there? We have a situation. :'''Agent Six''': Just a minor downgrade of power during a routine relay check. Nothing to worry about. :'''Rex Salazar''': Guys, I could really use some advice right about now! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''White Knight''': Attention all Providence Personnel, we have a Level-One Priority... :''[Realizes the reporters are present]'' :'''White Knight''': Drill. Repeat-- This is our daily drill in the Central Core-- Now. :'''Agent Six''': Lunch bell. It's taco day. Anyone hungry? :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, while we appreciate the commemorative spoons and the tacos, I can't help but think that you've been hiding something from our viewers. :'''Agent Six''': Not at all, ma'am. Providence is an open book. :''[Rex Salazar screams]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Cut! You're ruining the shot, Rex. Just be patient. I will get to you-- I promise. :''[Rex Salazar groans]'' :'''Agent Six''': Get down. :''[Diane Farrah gasps]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': That was... what you did. :'''Agent Six''': Just doing my job, ma'am. :'''Rex Salazar''': And I'm just doing mine! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': You're not going anywhere now, buddy, except back to your-- Cage? :'''White Knight''': We hope that you and the Ultimate Exposure team are enjoying our EVO containment demonstration, Miss Farrah. All part of readiness training here at Providence. :'''Diane Farrah''': Can I quote you on that? :'''White Knight''': Miss Farah, I'm not gonna stop you from filming, but for your own safety and the safety of your crew, please step back and let my people do what they do best. Alpha Team, I need a containment of the cafeteria, cube formation. Fire! Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm on it. :'''Agent Six''': Stay here. This is the real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': Not on your life. Find an elevator. We're missing it. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Still not a good ti-i-i-i-i-me! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, big boy. No more crawl spaces. No more Hallways. Just you and me in a big, old hangar bay mano y mano. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': ''[after Rex has been repeatedly beaten back by the Evo]'' Looks like you showed him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Are you going to talk, or are you going to help? :'''Bobo Haha''': Talk. Kidding! I'm helping! I'm helping! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar sighs]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Please tell me you're getting all of this. :'''Rex Salazar''': Providence's man of mystery strikes again. Ow! It-- it bit me! :'''Diane Farrah''': Quick, grab some B-roll footage before they get rid of all the evidence. :'''Rex Salazar''': You did see that I did all the heavy lifting and Six just took out the trash, right? :'''Diane Farah''': Don't worry. The camera never lies. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yes! :'''Bobo Haha''': Good! Then get a load of this! :'''Diane Farah''': Do you have something to say? :''[Camera zooms in on Bobo]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Oh... oh. :''[Bobo mutters then passes out]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': I think we have everything we need. :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't know how you guys came off looking, but yours truly rocked hard. Just call me Providence's Man of Mystery from now on. Oh, yeah! Stardom starts in five, four, three, two-- :'''Diane Farrah''': I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. :'''Rex Salazar''': We are so dead. :'''Bobo Haha''': Nice knowing you, kid. :'''Diane Farrah''': To find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. :'''Rex Salazar''': They did it. :'''Bobo Haha''': They did. :'''Dr. Holiday''': This is a news show? What is the world coming to? :'''Diane Farrah''': Look out, ladies. Agent Six is the full package -- brains, brawn, and-- :'''Agent Six''': Highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': Just what is he hiding behind those alluring, dark glasses of his? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the Providence agent you women wanted to get to know. :'''Agent Six''': Up close and personal. :'''Diane Farrah''': That's right, girls. :'''Agent Six''': He's The real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': And he's known throughout Providence as-- :'''Agent Six''': The heart of the operation. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the organization's best-kept secret, the ultimate agent, and-- :'''Agent Six''': The man of many mysteries. :'''Diane Farrah''': And, yes, ladies, he is single -- or is he? :''[Dr. Holiday laughs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Excuse me. :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex and Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''White Knight''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[after the story airs]'' So, man of mystery, what's it like being a big star adored by women everywhere? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. ===Touch and Go=== ===The Siren's Lament=== * Flashbacks as to how Circe came to work for Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> ===Grounded=== ===Six Minus Six=== ===In Dreams=== ===Lions and Lambs=== <hr width80%> :''[Providence agents are standing in an industrial area, fingers on triggers. Rex flies in on jet pack and lands beside all the agents.]'' :'''Rex:''' Any sign? ''[Rex notices agents shaking in fear.]'' Alright then, who’s up for a burger, anyone? Tough crowd. :''[Six walks up.]'' :'''Six:''' These agents seem nervous. Haven’t they dealt with this situation before? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, that's kind of the problem. :''[Rex twitches, as if he is feeling Breach's presence.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Here she comes. :''[Breach appears in front of them. They fire at her. She sends their missiles and agents away with red portals.]'' :'''Six:''' How do we stop her? :'''Rex:''' ''[Smack Hands.]'' Hit hard and keep clear of anything that glows. :''[Breach has a collar around her neck like the one Van Kleiss wears, and a device on her chest like his only much larger and shackles are around her giant hands which look like Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical wrist. She opens a red portal. A giant jellyfish-like thing flies out at Six, then a large creature with a horn on its nose runs out. Rex jumps at Breach, she portals out, returns and the device on her chest starts sparking.]'' :'''Rex:''' What's with the new toy, Breach? :'''Breach:''' ''[Glares]'' Wouldn’t you like to know? :''[T-Rex appears through a gold colored portal, sniffs Rex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Seriously, where do you find these things? Let's see what you started out as, big guy. ''[Tries to cure.] Six? This... this isn't an EVO!'' It's an actual T-Rex! ...Six? :''[Rex runs from T-Rex.]'' :'''Breach:''' Have fun. ''[Leaves through red portal.]'' :''[Rex hides behind light pole, T-Rex pulls pole from ground, Rex falls to the ground.]'' :'''Six:''' I take it this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time? :'''Rex:''' Try never? This is all kinds of wrong. :''[Rex makes BFS, runs at T-Rex; Six runs at T-Rex, jumps on and stabs it in back.]'' :'''Holiday:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Six:''' You mean about to be extinct? :'''Holiday:''' If you destroy the scientific find of a lifetime, it won’t be the only thing. :'''Rex:''' It's trying to eat us. :'''Six:''' You heard the lady. Take it down soft. :'''Rex:''' Easy for you to say. :''[Rex lies on the ground holding the jaws open with Smack Hands and it slobbers on him.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Video of T-Rex in confinement field. The T-Rex turns to dust.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Breach is powerful enough as it is, and now you're telling me she can travel through time? :'''Holiday:''' However she's doing it, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. That dinosaur reverted to its actual age about less than two hours after arrival. :'''Caesar:''' Photo and deep scan analysis reveals some very interesting technology at work here. Van Kleiss has really stepped up his game. :'''White Knight:''' Skip the fan talk. How do we stop it? :'''Caesar:''' Until I get my hands on the device, I'm not certain we can. :'''White Knight:''' We have to bring her to our side. :'''Rex:''' The only way she's coming here is if she does it willingly. :'''White Knight:''' How do you propose we persuade her? :'''Rex:''' With me. ''[Six and Holiday stare at him skeptically.]'' I can be very convincing. Okay, okay. I think she might still have a thing for me. :'''Bobo:''' Atta boy, work it on the crazy chick. :'''White Knight:''' I don't care how we do it as long as we get results. Providence is under the microscope. It is the worst time for Van Kleiss to gain the upper hand. Get to it. Bring her in. :''[Six and Holiday walking out of the room together down the hall.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[To Holiday.]'' I need a word. Something's wrong with White. :'''Holiday:''' Oh. That. He’s always like this, Six. :'''Six:''' No. This is different. I know when something is bothering him. The secret meetings, the anxiety. He’s up to something. :'''Holiday:''' I'll see what I can find out. :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Rex on hoverboard, in Providence stealth suit.]'' :'''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Works pretty good. After all, I built it. ''[Loses control of board for a moment.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Van Kleiss's castle, Rex hiding by entrance.]'' :'''Rex:''' Going in. ''[Pulls up stealth mask, disappears partly, runs past guard.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Breach is hooked up to a large machine. Van Kleiss stands before her with a huge bank of controls and displays, spooky dark lighting. She screams.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is unacceptable, Breach. I need you to concentrate. :'''Breach:''' It hurts. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Think of what I'm trying to achieve here. I cannot fail. :''[Breach screams in agony and collapses.]'' :''[Rex looks down horrified, Van Kleiss grins, Breach screams and falls down.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll return when it recharges and we'll start again. :''[Rex holds his hand out to her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why do you let him do this to you? :'''Breach:''' Glory. :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss's glory. Is he even noticing how you're tearing yourself apart for him? Have you ever heard him say thank you? What do you say we blow this joint, you and me? He's hurting you. :'''Breach:''' It's not real. It can't hurt you if it isn't real. :'''Rex:''' Breach, look at me. It is. I'm real, all of this is real. You don't have to live this way. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why am I not surprised. Rex has come to rescue another of my lost sheep. Perhaps he'll try to save you next, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' That depends. Is he housebroken yet? :'''Biowulf:''' I am no traitor. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You’ve no doubt seen our little experiment. Breach shows great promise. She just needs a little fine tuning. :'''Rex:''' Then what? Go back in time and be king of the cavemen? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why not? It wouldn’t be much of a step down, now would it? Breach, if you would, remove our guest so we can continue. Practice makes perfect, or in your case, acceptable. :''[Breach makes a red portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach! Think about what you're doing. :''[Van Kleiss grins, she runs and puts her arms around Rex, portals out with Rex.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find her. Now. :''[Mountains, snow, Rex shivering.]'' :'''Rex:''' I'm glad you got us out of there, but where... are we? :'''Breach:''' When the snow is gone you can see forever. :'''Rex:''' That's nice. Can we go now? :'''Breach:''' I need to know if I can trust you. :'''Rex:''' You can trust me. I swear. :''[Breach grabs his hand and hugs him. He opens his eyes. They are standing on a shiny endless reflective surface, reflecting stars.]'' :'''Rex:''' This is different. :'''Breach:''' Do you see it? :'''Rex:''' Um-- :'''Breach:''' This is where the stillness comes from. :'''Rex:''' You. Are weird. So what exactly does this mean? Are you coming with me or is this some kind of test? :'''Breach:''' I need you to see it. :'''Rex:''' Ah... A test. :'''Breach:''' Do you wanna understand? :'''Rex:''' Not exactly sure. ''[She glares, he waves his hands in front of him.]'' Yes, I mean yes. I mean-- :'''Breach:''' Follow me. ''[Walks through red portal.]'' :''[Another place. A door, a doll, a bear and a fire hydrant float in space.]'' :''[Rex hanging upside down, she is holding him by his ankle above a swirling pink vortex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! What happened? I thought we were getting along fine! :'''Breach:''' Why are you here? :'''Rex:''' Good question. Where exactly is here? Can we go somewhere else now, somewhere like, on Earth? :''[She drops him. He screams and lands on the floor between some stacks of books.]'' :'''Rex:''' You sure know how to pick'em. What kind of tripped out dimension is this? ''[Librarian walks by and shushes him.]'' Oh. College. :'''White Knight:''' ''[On communicator in Rex's right ear.]'' Rex, report. Where on earth have you been? :'''Rex:''' Apparently every place but. :'''White Knight:''' I need to know you can handle this otherwise we're going to try a different approach. :'''Rex:''' You need to chill out, White. I’m making progress. ''[Rex puts his hand to his left ear.]'' Dr. Holiday, are you there? :'''Holiday:''' Tracking shows you’re with Breach. Are you okay? :'''Rex:''' Fine? Creeped out but fine. I can't bring Breach back to Providence, White would just lock her up and that won't help. :'''Holiday:''' Where will you take her? :'''Rex:''' I'll think of something. Just keep White Knight off my case. :''[Breach appears behind him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why don't you let me pick out where we go next? :''[Scene change.]'' :''[White Knight hands folded moving nervously.]'' :'''White Knight:''' He says he's making progress. :'''Black Knight:''' The committee is losing confidence. They want results, not excuses. :'''White Knight:''' Then that's exactly what they’ll get. :''[Scene change. Rex sits across from Breach in a booth at a bowling alley.]'' :'''Rex:''' Soooo, don't like bowling, huh? I figured with the extra arms you'd be a natural. :'''Breach:''' I'm not supposed to like you, but I do. :'''Rex:''' ''[smiles]'' We're teenagers. At least assuming you are. Doing what we are not supposed to is part of the job. French fry? :''[She takes it and then drops it.]'' :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? From before you... changed? :'''Breach:''' I remember everything. And nothing. :'''Rex:''' Naturally. Why did I even bother to ask. Listen, Breach. I'm not going to pretend I understand you, ''[Puts his hand on her giant hand]'' but I can help. If you let me. :''[The machine starts to glow, they jump to their feet, other people look startled.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. :'''Breach:''' I can't, I can't stop it. :'''Rex:''' Let me try. ''[He tries and it knocks him onto the floor sparking.]'' :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss has control. They're coming. :''[Van Kleiss busts through the door with The Pack following. Raises bio-mechanical hand, palm of it glows, device on Breach's chest turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Okay, do your thing. Get us out of here. Anywhere. :''[she tries]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You can't take what doesn't belong to you. :'''Rex:''' I didn't take you for the jealous type. ''[Rex shoots bowling balls at Van Kleiss with his cannon, hits Biowulf and Skalamander in the face and Van Kleiss punches the balls aside with his bio-mechanical hand.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach, let's go! :''[Breach rides off with Rex on hoverboard, Van Kleiss and Pack follow on three flying fish EVO's with harnesses and big teeth. They dodge and crash Van Kleiss into a window, and land in a park.]'' :''[Breach and Rex stand together on a footbridge looking down into the water.]'' :'''Breach:''' ''[Walks to bridge and looks at her reflection, Rex follows.]'' Will they hurt me? :'''Rex:''' Providence? Not if I can help it. :'''Breach:''' They did before. Ms. Smarty Pants—she likes to hurt me. :'''Rex:''' I'll give you my word, if you come back to Providence, I promise no one will hurt you. :'''Breach:''' We can be together forever and ever. ''[She walks off bridge, ducks swimming in water.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... something like that. What am I getting myself into? We gotta move. I bet my brother has already figured out how to turn that thing of yours off. :''[The ducks fly off, they look and see a reflection in the pond of White Knight's ship.]'' :''[White Knight walks up followed by Providence fighter planes.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh guys, what are you doing?! :'''White Knight:''' If you can't have something done right, do it yourself. :''[They shoot at Breach, she screams, Rex is horrified.]'' :'''Rex:''' No! No! No! ''[walks up bridge to White Knight]'' Do have any idea what you just did? :''[Breach's chest device turns on, she screams, Providence shoots at her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Is this what you wanted? Congratulations! ''[runs to Breach]'' Breach! Wait! :'''Breach:''' Liar! ''[Throws red portal at Rex, he dodges, second one hits him, he disappears. Providence keeps shooting, she throw portals, drops three soldiers in water.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Agent Six! :''[He jumps at her, she portals him away to behind Knight. Rex jumps from the water onto the bridge by Knight.]'' :'''Rex:''' You had no intention to bring her in, did you? :'''White Knight:''' I wanted to believe you, Rex, but this is too important. She can't be controlled. :'''Rex:''' Control... Her powers are back on. Van Kleiss. :''[Van Kleiss arrives on flying fish EVO.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Settle down, Breach. :''[Chest device turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Let me do this. I can get through to her. Come on. It couldn't get any worse than you've already made it :''[Knight and Six look at each other.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Form a perimeter around Breach. Van Kleiss isn't to touch her. :''[A rock wall rises from the ground blocking Rex as he runs towards Breach. The Pack jumps down from wall to attack Rex, Six intervenes. Agents surround Breach, she tries and fails to make red portal. Screams. Van Kleiss flies in on fish, knocks down agents with bio-mechanical whip arm, shoots needles from fingers and knocks more down, fish knocks the rest down. White Knight shoots at Van Kleiss.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' If you had any idea what I was trying to do you might even welcome it. :'''White Knight:''' Enlighten me. :''[Van Kleiss touches a tree and it turns into an EVO. EVO tree catches and holds White. Six and Biowulf fight, Rex and Skalamander fight.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Enlighten you? :''[Sticks his claws in White Knight, glowing White Knight screams.]'' All in good time, White Knight, assuming you have some left. :''[Six throws a magnablade through Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical arm and he lets go of White.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[to White Knight]'' Go. I mean it. ''[White Knight flies off.]'' :'''Six:''' The name's Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' We've met. :'''Six:''' Don't remember. ''[They fight.]'' :''[Breach on merry-go-round, turning slowly looking at the sky. :'''Rex:''' You're just using her. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Of course I am. She knows it. Spare me the chivalry, Rex. Providence would do the same. :'''Rex:''' Either way you slice it, she loses! :'''Breach:''' ''[to herself]'' My two favorites. You both lie. Neither is real. :'''Rex:''' ''[goes to her]'' Breach, I'm sorry. I meant what I said. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Words mean nothing. :'''Rex:''' Then let this do the talking. ''[Turns on her machine, puts it into her power.]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You just handed her a loaded gun. :'''Rex:''' And now it's her choice how to use it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh if only I had the chance to get through to you, Rex, to teach you how the world really works. :''[Breach steps in front of Van Kleiss, raises her arms as if to send Rex away. Makes huge yellow portal above them.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our very first time traveler. You should be honored. Now Breach, if you wouldn't mind. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :''[Rex closes his eyes. Breach sends Van Kleiss away with yellow portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' That was... unexpected. :''[Rex tries to turn machine off but fails.]'' :'''Rex:''' It won't turn off. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know. :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss made it like this so I wouldn't send him away. :'''Rex:''' That didn't work out so well did it? Six, get everyone out of here now! ''[A big yellow dome forms around the playground where Rex and Breach stand.]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what's going to happen? :''[Rex and Breach are about to be engulfed by Breach's out of control time portal]'' :'''Breach''': ''[she looks up]'' I don't know if any of this was real. But it was nice having a friend for a while. ''[Rex smiles, Breach hugs him as they dispensary in the golden time portal]'' :'''Rex:''' I didn't get blown up. ''[Sees a lizard.]'' Whoa! ''[Jumps away, startled.]'' Oh no, please don't let this be dino time. ''[Touches earpiece in left ear.]'' Rex to Providence, do you copy? :''[Takes earpiece out and looks at it.]'' Oh... Rex to Providence, you better be there. :'''Providence Agent:''' Uh... we copy, Rex. We have a lock on your coordinates and are sending a jump jet. :'''Rex:''' Is Six okay? Breach went supernova. :'''Providence Agent:''' Someone's on the way, just hold tight. Providence out. :''[Scene change, Rex lying on the ground.]'' :'''Rex:''' Took you long enough. :''[Turns over and sees Providence agents, pointing guns at him.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex is onboard. Heading back to HQ. :'''Rex:''' HQ? Ten minutes ago I was in the middle of an epic battle. You need to take me back! :'''Providence Agent:''' Um, that battle is over. :'''Rex:''' What happened? Is Six okay? Guys...what's going on? :''[They arrive at HQ.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Baby brother, you're okay! ''[Runs and hugs him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach just sent me to nowheresville. Nothing to freak out over. :'''Caesar:''' ''[To Providence agent.]'' You didn't tell him? :'''Providence Agent:''' Our orders were just to bring him back. :'''Rex:''' Tell me what? Hey, when did you... have a beard? :'''Caesar:''' There's no easy way to tell you this, hermano. Breach didn't just send you to the middle of nowhere. You've been gone for six months. :'''Rex:''' Six months?! So this is-- :'''Caesar:''' Technically, the future. I should warn you, there've been a few changes. :'''Rex:''' You didn't give away my room, did you? :'''Caesar:''' As a matter of fact, they did. :'''Rex:''' What?! Caesar, tell me what's going on here. :'''Caesar:''' It would be better if I showed you. :'''Rex:''' White Knight taking visitors now? :'''Caesar:''' I'll wait out here. :''[Rex sees Providence agents dressed in black.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice suits. :''[Goes into the office.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ah... Love what you've done with the place. White? :''[Person in chair turns around, it's a woman, not White Knight.]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Thank you, Rex. ''[She gets up and walks towards him.]'' It was a little bright for my taste. White Knight is no longer associated with this organization. :'''Rex:''' He quit? :'''Black Knight:''' He...attempted a hostile takeover and failed. Can I get you anything? Water? A snack? :'''Rex:''' I don't want a snack! Where's Six? Where's Holiday!? :'''Black Knight:''' This must upsetting to you. Change is never easy but from I understand, you've been in situations like this before. Everything's going to be fine. :'''Rex:''' Who are you?! :'''Black Knight:''' Someone very happy to have you back. Call me Black Knight. ==Season Three (2011-2013)== ===Back in Black=== : '''Rex''': Okay, I get what's going on here. : '''Black Knight''': I'm relieved to hear that, Rex. : '''Rex''': You can come out! I know you're there! : '''Black Knight''': Rex? : '''Rex''': We're friends, now, remember? Breach? : '''Black Knight''': Breach isn't here, Rex. The world's changed. As soon you accept th-- : '''Rex''': No, I'm not ignoring you. It's just that you're not real. : '''Black Knight''': I assure you I'm very real-- as is all of this. : '''Rex''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, come on. It's been a fun time in the ol' Breachscape, but, you know, time to go home now. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Seen this before. Usually ends with a black hole. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, you're disoriented. Let me-- : '''Rex''': Sorry, non-lady. No time. Got an exit to find! Shall we aprehend? : '''Black Knight''': It won't be necessary. : '''Caesar''': Rex! Have you lost it? : '''Rex''': Caesar! We're in a pocket dimension! It could collapse at any second! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar''': That's crazy, Rex. This is not a pocket dimension. : '''Rex''': You're right! It's a whole alternate universe! And-- and-- and you're my Brother's evil twin! Out of the way! Six! Six! Doc! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex''': Dr. Holiday! Doc! : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': Wha-- Well, at least some things haven't changed. Whoa! Whoa! Okay, now I-- Bleh-- know I'm in an-- Aah!-- alternate universe. Unh! You can go ahead and -- Blech!-- Eat me now, please. : '''Black Knight''': Release. : '''Rex''': You were... saying something about changes? : '''Black Knight''': There have been a few. : '''Caesar''': You've got temporal lag, Rex. It's kind of like altitude sickness, only in time. Here-- This will balance your electrolytes. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': So this is really-- : '''Black Knight''': Really. Welcome to the future, Rex-- Or, rather, to the present. Without your healing abilities, Providence has embraced a new paradigm. We've moved beyond the outmoded era of "cure, contain, or kill." : '''Rex''': And into the era of "serious leash laws". : '''Caesar''': We used the petting zoo as our test bed. What do you think? : '''Rex''': I think it needs a new name, 'cause, you know, now it really is one. : '''Caesar''': We've developed new techniques for working with EVOs. It's all about understanding them better. : '''Rex''': So, you're some sort of "EVO whisperer"? : '''Caesar''': ''[laughs]'' It's a bit more complicated than that. You sure you're okay? ''[sighs]'' It's good to have you back, brother. : '''Black Knight''': Family ties. They transcend even time itself. : '''Rex''': Caesar's not my only family. : '''Black Knight''': I'll bring you up to speed on the others. When you went M.I.A., White Knight lost his biggest weapon in the war for EVO containment. : '''Rex''': Figures that I have to vanish for him to appreciate me. : '''Black Knight''': White became erratic-- some might say paranoid. Directorate lost faith in his ability to lead. : '''Rex''': Directorate? I never knew white even had a boss. : '''Black Knight''': There are, shall we say, layers. I was named as his replacement. : '''Rex''': Let me guess-- he didn't take it well. : '''Black Knight''': You could say that. : '''Providence Agent''': White Knight! Sir! Stand down! : '''White Knight''': I'd rather go down in flames than see Providence in the hands of the enemy. : '''Providence Agent''': He's got a bomb! Fall back! All units fall ba-- : '''Rex''': Whoa! That was-- : '''Black Knight''': Your room. : '''Rex''': Huh? Aww, man! But... Six... Holiday... where-- : '''Black Knight''': Where do you think? They're out looking for you. Agent Six and Holiday took indefinite leave. They've been off the grid ever since. I've attempted to contact them, but no response. : '''Rex''': Mind if... I give them a ring? Not that I don't trust you. : '''Black Knight''': But you don't trust me. Natural, given the circumstances. Be my guest. It won't take long, to locate them. Meanwhile, there are many familiar faces who will be glad to hear you're back. Which reminds me... This is everything we salvaged from your room. : '''Rex''': Huh. Talk about starting over. : '''Black Knight''': You could you know. There's still a place for you in the-- : '''Rex''': My room. I thought you said it was trashed. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, wait. : '''Rex''': What's the matter, Black? This where you're hiding all your evil secrets? : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex''': Um... Wow! : '''Black Knight''': This entire wing was destroyed in the blast. I had the space... repurposed. : '''Rex''': White wouldn't even splurge for private stalls. : '''Black Knight''': As you see, I treat my finest people to the very finest things. : '''Rex''': Sure. I'll take one of those, please. : '''Black Knight''': It's yours-- and anything else you'd like. : '''Rex''': As long as I do whatever you want-- That it? : '''Black Knight''': On the contrary-- you're a seasoned agent. I have a few boundaries, but otherwise, handle matters as you see fit. : '''Rex''': Say I refuse. : '''Black Knight''': Then I turn you over to mel. ''[chuckling]'' I'm kidding. You're free to leave whenever you like. But I hope you'll stay. Now, more than ever, Providence needs a Rex. So, how do you feel? Like I haven't used one of those in Six months-- Which I haven't. You mind? Bobo? : '''Bobo''': Rex! Heard you were back. So great to see you, buddy. Whoa. Just a sec, there, pal. Gotta love those certain towelettes. : ''[Bobo whistling]'' : '''Bobo''': What? Never seen a monkey wash his hands before? : '''Rex''': Not this one. : ''[Bobo munching]'' : '''Rex''': You wanna tell me what's gotten into you or what? : '''Bobo''': What are you talking abou-- Unh! Hey! : '''Rex''': Sorry. For a minute, I thought you were... : '''Bobo''': Robo Bobo? Wanna check for a tv in my butt? : '''Rex''': Pass. But come on. You've, I don't know, mellowed or something. : '''Bobo''': Guess I just don't have a big need to act out these days, what with you and everyone gone. Plus, the employee benefits are pretty sweet. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, we've got a little EVO problem. Providence could use your help. Ready to get back in the game? : '''Rex''': If it involves getting out of here, that would be a "yes." You coming? : '''Bobo''': I'll join ya on the next one. I got Tai Chi at 2:00. : '''Rex''': Missing an EVO smackdown? That doesn't sound like you. : '''Bobo''': Did I mention the instructor has a thing for back hair? : '''Rex:''' Ew. Okay. That sounds like you. What is it and where do I find it? : '''Providence Agent''': We've got an EVO in the subway tunnels, people trapped in one of the trains. The power's out down there, too. : '''Rex:''' Sounds like a street worm. Sure it's just one? Rex to H.Q. Okay, new chief, how do you want to do this? : '''Black Knight:''' You're the expert. : '''Rex:''' I am? Uh, I mean, of course I am. It's just that Six usually-- : '''Black Knight:''' You don't need help, Rex. Handle it as you see fit. Black, out. : '''Rex:''' What's this strange feeling that's come upon me? Could it be... : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex''': Responsibility?! Okay. Assemble your guys over there. Be ready for me. Should the guys grab flashlight. Or... better. Not a bad pre-show. Now for the main event. : '''Providence Agent:''' How did you know? : '''Rex:''' These things usually travel in pairs. I used lights from my builds to make it think I was another worm. Have your bug net handy. They're so cute after I shut them down. : '''Rex:''' Sorry B.K. No can cure. : '''Black Knight:''' Understood. Our team will take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Um, take what where? : '''Providence Agent:''' Move into the vehicle! Move... into... the vehicle! Hit her again! : '''Rex:''' Um, what just happend? : '''Black Knight:''' That's all for now, Rex. Nicely done. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Wait. What are you gonna do with it? : '''Providence Agent:''' Standard rehab and re-lo. It's all very humane. : '''Rex:''' I'd love to see that. Mind if I tag along? : '''Black Knight:''' Sorry, Rex. Authorized personnel only. You've done your job. Now let the team theirs. : '''Rex:''' But-- : '''Black Knight:''' Boundaries, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Boundaries. Got it. Rex, out. : '''Caesar:''' Main container reached. Attach stabilizer ring. : '''Rex:''' Humane? Yeah, right. : ''[Bobo yawns]'' : '''Bobo:''' See? Great employee benefits. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Right. Hey, you got a tag sticking out in the back. Mind if I-- : '''Bobo:''' Thanks, pal. Well, off to yoga. : '''Caesar:''' You really shouldn't be here, hermano. : '''Rex:''' The petting zoo? The worm? My monkey practicing good hygiene? You're using that thing to control my friend! : '''Caesar:''' He's still the same Bobo you know and love. He just need a few boundaries. : '''Rex:''' He's not the same, and neither are you! You should hear yourself! : '''Caesar:''' Making the world safer isn't possible without some form of control. And you'd better get some control of yourself, mijo. : '''Rex:''' Or what? You'll use that thing on me? : '''Caesar:''' Open your eyes to all the good we're accomplishing. Isn't this better than smacking them with your giant fists? : '''Rex:''' That's combat! I protect people and property! Okay, property, not so much, but this? If you can't see the difference, then maybe I never knew you at all! : '''Caesar:''' It doesn't matter. I have work to do. : '''Rex:''' So do I! : ''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Uses his Smack Hands to smash everything around him]'' : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Stop! : '''Black Knight:''' Snooping around, Rex? See, that's another one of my boundaries. : '''Rex:''' White Knight may have had his issues, but he never resorted to anything like this! : '''Black Knight:''' I never planned to do this, Rex, but you've become a danger. : '''Rex''' ''[shocked]'': Caesar! Think! You can't do this! : '''Caesar:''' Of course I'm thinking. This is the logical conclusion to what we started. : '''Rex:''' The logical-- Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Raaah! Aah! : ''[Caesar blasts the mind-control laser, causing Rex to scream and groan in pain]'' : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. You'll thank me later. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You... better... believe I will! : '''Caesar:''' Please don't resist! It's only painful if you struggle! : '''Black Knight:''' What's taking so long? : '''Caesar:''' He's fighting it! His nantic energy is spiking off the scale! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Boost power. : '''Caesar:''' It's not safe to-- : '''Black Knight:''' It's for the best. : ''[Caesar increases power, causing Rex's nanites to go haywire as a tear fall down his cheek, heartbroken about his own brother betraying him]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Manages to overpower the mind-control machine, much to the surprise and wonder of Caesar and Black Knight]'' : '''Rex:''' You just drew a line in the sand, bro! ''[runs off]'' : '''Black Knight:''' You'd better have a backup. : '''Caesar:''' The prototype. Not portable, but more than enough power, even for him. : '''Black Knight:''' Get it ready. : '''Rex:''' Unh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' No mood to get slimed right now, mel! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' What happened to your EVO control? : '''Black Knight:''' A demonstration. You know what would happen without our influence. : '''Rex:''' So, you're hijacking its brain, like you tried to do with mine. : '''Black Knight:''' That won't be necessary if you'll willingly cooperate. : '''Rex:''' Translation-- if I do everything you say. : '''Black Knight:''' You've seen how we can work together. Providence still needs you. There will always be a few EVOs we can't control. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I'm one of them. : '''Black Pawns:''' Shall we pursue? : '''Black Knight:''' Most definitely. : '''Rex:''' Gangway! Coming through! Huh? No! Huh. Black Pawns. Overdoing the whole theme, don't you think? : ''[Rex groaning]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yah! I'm getting beat up by the chess club! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' We... got off on the wrong foot. Stow the hardware and come with us. You have my word you won't be harmed. We can start over-- the right way. : '''Bobo:''' You mind? You're interrupting the enjoyment of my employee benefits. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : ''[Rex panting]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Rex was tranquilized]'' Excellent work. Take him to the lab. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? No way! You're not turning my brain to mashed potatoes! Doc?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Welcome back, Rex. : '''Six:''' Good to see you, kid. : '''Rex:''' Before I blame this on a Burrito-induced nightmare, will someone please tell me-- What... Is... Going... On?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What do you think? We've been looking for you. : '''Six:''' We knew Providence might find you first. Fortunately, we planted a mole. : '''Bobo:''' Ehh. Rex! Put 'er there! : '''Rex:''' Uhh! You didn't wash! Oh! You didn't wash! But that means... that he really was... Robo Bobo? : '''Bobo:''' In the flesh. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Literally. I gave it a biological upgrade, complete with his own nanites and... fleas, ticks, lice, chigger mites. : '''Bobo:''' What can I say? I'm an ecosystem. : '''Six:''' It's enough to fool your brother's equipment. The robot is only providing limited intel. But one thing is sure-- new Providence is about more than just getting Evos off the streets. : '''Rex:''' I saw it. Whatever they're doing over there is seriously messed up. : '''Six:''' That's why we've set up our own operation. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Where did you get all of this? : '''Six:''' We have our sources. : '''Rex:''' So, we're like super secret spies now? Cool! :''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's too bad about White, though. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm gonna miss that pasty guy. : '''White Knight:''' How touching, Rex. I, on the other hand, would rather enjoyed the last six Rex-free months. Now... if we're done with the love-in, we have work to do. : '''Rex:''' It really can't get any better than this. Oh, except one thing-- can I get a TV? ===Crash and Burn=== *From this episode, Rex can create two builds at once :''[Bobo yawns]'' :'''Bobo:''' They say nothin' good happens after midnight. And, you know, they're right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm worried about you, Bobo. Since we left Providence, you've been staying out every night. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo gulps]'' :'''Bobo:''' That's not the least of your worries. Seen our boy lately? :''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex is fine. He just needs time to adjust to our new setting. Rex? It's Holiday. Are you there? :'''Rex:''' Hey, doc. What up? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Just checking in. Everything okay? :'''Rex:''' Better than okay. I'm about to set a new land-speed record' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That wasn't what I meant. How are you feeling? :'''Rex:''' Appreciate the concern, but the only thing on my mind right now is the need for speed. Apparently, I'm not alone. I'll call you back. Hey! Slow down! I want to talk to you! Ah. You want to play chicken. Doc? Bobo? I'm getting blitzed by some bikers. Aah! :'''Rand:''' Might as well give up! I won't quit! I'm a relentless, never-say-die, nonstop-- Uh, hey, wait a minute. Who are you? :'''Rex:''' Think you could have asked me that before trying to run me down? :'''Rand:''' Ooh! My fault. I thought you were one of us. :'''Rex:''' "One of us"? What is this? :'''Rand:''' Sorry, dude. No time to chat. Peace. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, like I'm gonna take that for an answer. A street race? Or a demolition derby? :''[Lance grunts]'' :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Lance:''' Gonna need a bike. :'''Rex:''' Can't believe you survive that! You must be the luckiest guy on the-- These are nanites. :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Oh, come on! :'''Six:''' Something wrong? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Prototypes. I prefer tried-and-tested. And I don't even know what we're going to do with half of this stuff. :'''Bobo:''' You're goin' soft, gettin' worked over by a bunch of goofballs on motorcycles. :'''Rex:''' They had weapons. :'''Bobo:''' Last time I checked, so did you. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but not while I'm on my bike. I'm strictly one at a time. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites that have infected his body are slowly poisoning him. I've never seen anything like it. :'''Rex:''' Do what you can, Doc? I'm gonna go out and look for those racers. :'''Bobo:''' Sounds dangerous. :'''Rex:''' Sure, Bobo. You can come, too. The nanites we found on the biker gave off a different energy signature. Gonna use one of Holiday's new toys to try to scan for it. A bunch of them. And they're moving fast. :'''Bobo:''' Then step on it! Maybe Holiday has a point about prototypes! :'''Rex:''' Or maybe they're not on the streets. I'll watch the road. You watch the screen. :'''Bobo:''' Gotta warn you-- Chimps make bad navigators! :'''Rex:''' Just do it! :'''Bobo:''' Hmm? Left! You're goin' left! Make a right! Another right! :'''Rex:''' Which way? :'''Bobo:''' I don't know! That way-ish! Wah! Like I said-- Monkeys make great navigators! This is your biker gang? :'''Rex:''' They had weapons before I'm telling you-- They're tough! :'''Bobo:''' If you say so. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Wall. :''[Bobo and Rex grunts]'' :'''Moss:''' That's some fancy ridin'. You following us, kid? :'''Rex:''' Still think they don't look tough? :'''Bobo:''' I take it back. :'''Moss:''' Who are you, kid? 'Cause whoever you are, you're not bad. :'''Rand:''' You're awesome! Where'd you learn to ride like that? Anybody with that kind of skill should be with us. Yeah! :'''Moss:''' What's your secret? :'''Rex:''' No secret. I'm just built that way. :'''Lunk:''' Is that guy from TV-- The one who fights EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Five bucks for pictures, ten bucks for autographs. :'''Rand:''' A talking monkey! Outrageous! I gotta have one. Is he for sale? :'''Bobo:''' Brother, you can't afford me. :'''Rex:''' You guys seem tight-- For guys who try to kill each other. :'''Rand:''' We're not killers. We're racers. This is a legitimate sport. :'''Moss:''' It is what it is. Our races aren't for the weak. Name's Moss. You've met Rand. :'''Rex:''' He tried to blow me up. :'''Rand:''' I missed. You're welcome. Come on, don't leave me hangin'. :'''Moss:''' Never met a celebrity who could ride. :'''Rex:''' I caught you, didn't I? :'''Moss:''' But are you tough enough try me? :'''Rex:''' Try me. :'''Bobo:''' You gotta fight back? :'''Rex:''' With what? :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. Fine, leave it to Chimpy. Aah! I'll take that. Phbt! :'''Rex:''' Something else on the map-- Moving fast! And it's big! :'''Providence Agent:''' Halt! You kids! Pull over! Now! :'''Moss:''' Cops! :'''Bobo:''' Worst than cops-- Providence. :'''Rex:''' The bikes give off a nanite signature. They must have tracked it. :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex, what are you doing here? :'''Rex:''' Research. You don't want to get caught up in this! Back off now! Sorry, guys. Have Black Knight sent me the bill. :'''Rand:''' Ha! No way! You want to beat me, you gotta step your game up. Aah! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Rand! :'''Bobo:''' Don't stop! Kid's wearing armor. He's fine. :'''Rex:''' No! Something's wrong! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' What is this thing? Doc? Get over here quick. We've got another one. :'''Biker gangs:''' WHOO-HOO-HOO! :''[Biker gangs laughs]'' :'''Biker gangs:''' Yeah! :'''Moss:''' We thought you'd bailed on us. Where were you? :'''Rex:''' Watching a doctor try to save Rand's life. :'''Moss:''' Racers get sick sometimes. It's part of the life. :'''Rex:''' Those nanite power sources-- you got to stop using them. To feel one with the road, that rush? So some people get sick. When we're on our rides, nothing else matters. :'''Rex:''' Your rides are killing you! You're gonna be dead-- All of you! And for what? So you can go a little faster? :'''Moss:''' We need those things to ride. You know what it's like. :'''Lunk:''' Please. Don't take our bikes away. :'''Rex:''' Nobody's going to take your bikes. But I need to know where you got those nanites. :'''Lunk:''' ''[sighs]'' A guy named Valve. He supplies the superchargers. :'''Moss:''' You're wasting your time. Valve never talks to anybody. :'''Rex:''' He'll talk to me. :'''Bobo:''' Been in a lot of bad biker dives, but this is the worst I've ever seen. :'''Valve:''' Enter, strangers. The biker will see you now. Please, sit. May I offer you some tea? :'''Rex:''' I'll pass. :'''Valve:''' Suit yourself. I find a good cup of tea soothing-- for the body and the soul. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Valve:''' You don't have to tell the biker why you're here. The biker can tell. You wish to buy a supercharger. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Rex:''' Your superchargers are killing people. It's gonna stop. :''[Valve breathes deeply]'' :'''Valve:''' Hmm. That sounds like a challenge. :'''Rex:''' Maybe it is. I'll race you for them. If I win, you hand over your entire stockpile. :'''Valve:''' Shh! Your answer is on the wind. :'''Rex:''' You're... not right in the head, are you? :'''Valve:''' When the wind commands, the impossible game must be gamed. The challenge is accepted. We will race for the superchargers. And when the biker wins... It won't matter. :'''Rex:''' Why is that? :'''Valve:''' Because you'll be dead. Let the race begin. :'''Moss:''' This is his own private track. He knows it better than anyone. You can still back out-- Probably. :'''Rex:''' And let people become poison, like Valve? No. I can take him. Just give me something to hit him with. You guys are walking arsenals. You don't have anything? :'''Moss:''' You didn't think we'd need 'em today. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Message from Holiday. The two sick teens have stabilized, but she's still a ways from finding a cure. :'''Rex:''' It was the only weapon I could find, okay? Can I borrow the sword? :'''Six:''' Use your own. :'''Rex:''' On wheels? It's not gonna happen. :'''Six:''' What's stopping you? :'''Rex:''' Well, for one thing, I-- Um, not sure exactly. :'''Six:''' What have I been teaching you? Focus on what you want and make it happen. No more excuses. :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :'''Valve:''' You're lucky. One the very best get a chance at this track. :'''Rex:''' Then I should fit right in. Rules of the game-- ten laps. Cross the finish line before the biker, and you may have them. :'''Rex:''' So, is the wind talking to you now? :'''Valve:''' The wind commands the Biker to destroy you. The Biker is happy to oblige. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' You gonna help him? :'''Six:''' He's doing fine. :'''Bobo:''' Are you watchin' the same race I am? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You're in trouble, Rex! No. Keep it together. Keep... it... together. Six said it-- Focus. Focus. Focus! :''[Valve laughs]'' :'''Valve:''' Oblivion. :'''Six:''' Like I sad-- He's doing fine. :'''Rex:''' Double-up! Where have you been all my life? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Cute toy. But I like mine better. :'''Valve:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Was there any doubt? :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, plenty. :''[Valve panting]'' :'''Rex:''' We had the deal. Remember? :'''Valve:''' Like the storm that changes directions on a whim, the biker is changing the deal. 'Cause the biker-- ''[grunts]'' Doesn't like! ''[grunts]'' The biker-- ''[grunts]'' never loses! ''[grunts]'' Unh! :'''Rex:''' First time for everything. Thank you, Six. :'''Six:''' It was all you, kid. :'''Moss:''' Rand! :'''Biker gangs:''' Oh, Rand! Good to see you! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Completely detoxified. In a couple days, they'll be back to full strength. Those could be useful at the new base. :'''Moss:''' You can't stop us from riding. :'''Rex:''' What's stopping you? You can still ride. You just won't be poisoned by nanites. Come on. Race you back to the garage. :''[Rex rides off]'' :'''Moss:''' ''[Chasing after Rex]'' You heard the man. Hit it! :'''Six:''' You do realize we just turned a group of reckless teenage boys loose on the city. :'''Bobo:''' All in a day's work. ===Heroes United, Part 1=== :'''Caesar:''' Now where are you? So it ''is'' you. This is most disturbing. <hr width80%> : '''Ben:''' You know the friend you care about!? Well, I have a cousin, a grandfather, a best friend that I care about!! They don't exist here! I may never see them again! I'm totally alone! So go ahead! Do your worst. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we can help each other. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I'm curious how big brother knows about something from a parallel dimension. : '''Caesar:''' Because I sent it there. In the early days of the Nanite Project, our goal was simple. Construct microscopic machines to cure diseases, grow new cells, regenerate bones. They was a control issue. Some thought a human-machine link was the answer. Others proposed that the machines control themselves. I was in latter cam. I developed the Alpha to control other nanites. To maximize its effectiveness, I had to program Alpha to think for itself. :'''Ben:''' Does a low explanation mean something bad on your Earth too? :'''Rex:''' Yep. :'''Caesar:''' Alpha developed its own consciousness. It evolved into a unique life-form. It wanted a body, but whatever it built burned out. So when Alpha attempted possessing living this, Alpha had to be eliminated. So I built a dimensional disruptor. :'''Ben:''' Looks like a Null Void gun. We got some like those back home, too. ===Heroes United, Part 2=== :'''Alpha:''' The nanites in those creatures. They are different, powerful. Your nanites are weak. I have no use for you. Where is the boy? :'''Holiday:''' His nanites are off limits!! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' My brother!? Look around! He's not here! :'''Alpha:''' The father is redundant. Now that I found you. <hr width80%> :'''Alpha:''' I cannot merge! What makes you so special, human? Yes. You shelter an Omega. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Don't let it get to Rex! If it drains his nanites-! :'''Diamondhead:''' Game over. I get it. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': My most powerful builds came from the Omega nanite. A lot of people are going to get hurt and I can't stop it. What happens when the best you can do just isn't enough? :'''Ben''': You get an Upgrade. :'''Rex:''' Weren't you listening? Alpha has the Omega. :'''Ben:''' I'm not talking about a nanite. :(''Transforms into Upgrade'') :'''Rex''': Hey, what are you- ''[Upgrade merges with Rex]'' Whoa, okay, that feels weird. ''[Upgrade covers Rex's body like a suit]'' Wow, what supposed to happen now? ''[Upgrade's head appears on Rex's left shoulder]'' Uh...don't do that, you freaking me out! :'''Upgrade''': Build something! :'''Rex''': ''[Builds a Smack Arm, which is modified by Upgrade]'' Sweet, so what's the plan? :'''Upgrade''': You build stuff, I make it better. Fight fight fight, we win! :'''Rex''': Works for me! ''[Rex builds a Boogie Pack and blasts off]'' <hr width80%> :'''Alpha''': Organics who rely on machines for their power, I don't need. The machines themselves, now those I will have. ===Phantom of the Soap Opera=== :'''Rex Salazar:''' In a world he never chose and barely understands... ''[Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene]'' One incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. ''[jumps into a lake scene]'' Forget train wrecks... ''[punches]'' And car wrecks... ''[kicks]'' Nothing brings the pain like this Rex. ''[runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.]'' :'''Actor in costume:''' Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. :'''Noah Nixon:''' Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. :'''Actor in costume:''' Ah, dude? :''[Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. :''[Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' That's a closed set. ''[Noah pulls on his hair]'' C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got this. ''[pulls girls back from stage with turbines]'' I just don't get girls, how come they get so... ''[notices something behind Noah, acts all excited]'' Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. :'''Rex Salazar:''' You mean like pages? ''[Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. ''[makes binocular with his hands]'' :'''Head Page:''' You got that right bub. ''[Rex looks behind him, and jumps away]'' By the way Page, you lose something? ''[has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope]'' Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. ''[Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls]'' :'''Head Page:''' ''[points to her left eye]'' I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. :''[On set of telenovela]'' :''[Isabella crying]'' :'''Reymundo:''' Pensabas que yo era tu marido. ¡Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermano diabólico de Reynaldo. :'''Isabella:''' Yo sé, pero todavía te amo. :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen]'' How can anyone say that's not great! :''[Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa? Celebrities know you? :''[There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. :''[Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. :'''Noah Nixon:''' It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... ''[drops tray]'' It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. :''[Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' AHHH! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[looks down at tray and jacket]'' Ohhhhh... :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, okay don't worry... :'''Head Page:''' ''[yelling at another page behind Rex]'' You call yourself a page! :'''Rex:''' Okay worry. ''[puts his fingers together]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! :'''Rex Salazar:''' No you're not. Come on, move! :''[They run to a supply closet.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' I've gotta lead another tour in 45 minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in 45 minutes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is my bad, but I can fix this. ''[Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating]'' We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. ''[Rex points at Noah]'' Noah, calm down! :''[Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Not helping. ''[Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Uh... yeah, I guess? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. :''[Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.]'' :''[Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :'''Isabella:''' Finally! You are here! :''[Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? :'''Isabella:''' Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. :'''Isabella:''' You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. :''[A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Is that our page? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :''[Rex falls]'' :'''Isabella:''' He's mine, I saw him first! :''[Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.]'' :'''Isabella:''' He is mine!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hum? :'''Beatriz:''' Why don't we let him decide? :'''[Rex is being pulled back and forth]'' :'''Isabella:''' You would like that wouldn't you? :'''Beatriz:''' Yes I would! Very much. :'''Isabella:''' Fine. :''[Girls growl at each other and walk away.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[grinning]'' Did they just cat-fight over me? :''[The girls come back with lists.]'' :'''Isabella:''' Here is a list of what I need you to do! :'''Beatriz:''' And here's mine! :'''Rex Salazar:''' You want me to work on the show? :'''Beatriz:''' Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. :'''Rex Salazar:''' But I'm not ... ''[looks over the girls]'' ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. :''[Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. :'''Isabella:''' You are dead to me! But I will take this one. ''[takes yogurt]'' :''[Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.]'' :''[Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? ''[offers him a mug of coffee]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Gracias. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Leche? :'''Reynaldo:''' How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh, okay, didn't know that. Sugar? :''[Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? :''[Rex looks around and the phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex, where are you? :'''Reynaldo:''' No phone! ''[Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.]'' You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! ''[grabs Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait what are you... ''[Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing]'' ...Oh, thanks! :''[Everyone runs up to them.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Not another accidente! :'''Isabella:''' ''[scared]'' Ay. Dios mio! No! :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's okay, I'm fine. :'''Isabella:''' ''[pushes Rex down]'' My jogurt! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up... ''[whispers to man though they look at him]'' Oh. ''[Reynaldo hands him the mop.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. :'''Reynaldo:''' Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... ''[another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground]'' Aahh... Por que? Ay. :''[Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ugh! Clowns. :''[The mongoose squeaks.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. :''[Mongo growls, bears teeth]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. ''[wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. ''[Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? :''[Mongo jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Wait, that's you, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. ''[reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. ''[Mongo sets off another trap]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] :'''Beatriz:''' What's going on back there? :'''Isabella:''' Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Getting thrown around back stage]'' Ouch. ''[gets beat up by mechanical clowns]'' :''[Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ok, New plan-- First I smash your face, then I cure you. :''[Mongo knocks over equipment]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. ''[grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls]'' Oww! Look out! :''[Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. ''[last wall of stage set falls behind him]'' :'''Beatriz:''' What are jou talking about? :'''Isabella:''' We just saw you ruin our set. :'''Reynaldo:''' You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... ''[looks at name badge]'' Noah Nixon. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. :''[Three actors gasps]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' ''[tears off his own shirt]'' Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! :''[Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? :'''Noah Nixon: What? Why are you-- :'''Rex Salazar:''' No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear]'' Heh! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my... your name. :'''Noah Nixon:''' You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. ''[Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' ''[to Reynaldo]'' You are bleeding! :'''Reynaldo:''' What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! ''[moans and falls on his face crushing a chair]'' :'''Beatriz:''' You cannot go on. :'''Isabella:''' If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'll do it!!! :'''Reynaldo:''' You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe... But no! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! :'''Rex Salazar:''' So, is that a-- :'''Reynaldo:''' Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Accion! :''[Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[thinking]'' Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! ''[groans]'' Nope. Doesn't make it any better. ''[Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls]'' Where'd you go? :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. :'''Rex Salazar: Hey wait, I'm not-- :'''Guy in suit:''' Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr.... Nixon? :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. Mr. Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. ''[takes script, leaves]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing]'' :''[Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? ''[Mongo growls and grows huge]'' Oh so you can do that too. ''[Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. ''[Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' ''[walks up]'' Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? ''[Rex runs off]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[points in other direction, Rex runs that way]'' :''[Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, gimme that! ''[grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building]'' :''[Rex looks in the hole into the stage.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. ''[runs off after Mongo]'' :''[Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I think this is for you. ''[runs after Mongo]'' :''[Phone rings]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Did you catch it? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. :'''Noah Nixon:''' I am so dead. :'''Lady with clipboard:''' ''[grabs Rex by the collar]'' Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your two p.m. tour. ''[Gives Rex clipboard and keys]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Driving tram with tourists]'' Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. :''[Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard]'' :'''Tourist:''' They had better special effects at my kids' school play. :''[Back on soap opera stage]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! :''[Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.]'' :''[Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Yes! That's it exactly! :''[Mongo growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. ''[big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' That's not the hand I meant. :''[Actors, stunned, applaud]'' :''[Rex picks up Mongo.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' You are a good page, Noah Nixon. :''[Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.]'' :''[At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Oh, my jacket! ''[Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.]'' :''[Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. ''[He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I'm proud of you, kiddo! It took me sixty seven years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. ''[Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back]'' :'''Head Page:''' Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. ''[they look at each other with puzzled frowns]'' :''[Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. ''[Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! ''[Noah smiles.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's OK, it's OK. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! ''[Rex runs off]'' Nixon! :''[Mongo looking down from rafters]'' ===Riddle of the Sphinx=== :'''Egyptian Guide:''' They uncovered the tunnel during routine sewer work. No one has set foot in here in over 3.500 years. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Providence doesn't work the location yet? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' ''[laughs]'' The antiquities comission does not like this Black Knight. They keep her busy with much paperwork. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The maze looks like it extends for miles. They do that to keep looters out? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' Or to keep something in. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Anything that was trapped in here couldn't be alive after all this time. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' I-I-I must go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''': Watch out! Bobby traps. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' That's not what I'm afraid of. :'''Bobo:''' It's only been a few days since we heard from Holiday. :'''Six:''' Something's wrong. :'''Bobo:''' Maybe she wanted a vacation from you clowns. "Something's wrong." :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Providence! She in is trouble. :'''Six:''' Black Knight. And she has your better half. :'''Bobo:''' I'm predictin' an awkward situation. :'''Black Knight:''' Hello, Rex. If you came for your friend, I'll have to disappoint you. :'''Rex:''' That hairy creep? You can keep the traitor. Hey! My faithful guide, why don't you go away while we discuss business? :'''Bobo:''' It's me, you dopey tin can! Beat it! Or the boss lady's gonna get wise to our little switcheroo. :'''Rex:''' What's the campout for? :'''Black Knight:''' Routine scientific research. :'''Rex:''' Look, I know Holiday was here. What'd you do with her? :'''Black Knight:''' We arrived an hour ago. The locals say Holiday unleashed a monster down in the tunnels. The situation's under control. As soon as we've secured the tunnels, I'll send a team in to see if she's still alive. :'''Rex:''' I'm going with you. :'''Black Knight:''' You're going nowhere. You quit Providence. Unless you're recosindering? :'''Rex:''' Come on, guide. Holiday's in those tunnels. But Black Knight has a whole battalion of Providence goons guarding the entrance. :'''Six:''' I figured she'd be no help. That's why I found someone who knows a back way in. :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The Kushari is healthy. For the stomach, good. :'''Rex:''' Enough about the Kushari! Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' For so young, you in such a hurry. And old cook like me, I live by selling Kushari. Why not buy some? You buy, I give you more information. :'''Bobo:''' Ah, come on. Stop bein' so stingy. Buy some more. :'''Six:''' Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The sewer man-- They came to fix a leak. They found the tunnel to the entrance in my basement. :'''Bobo:''' Mmm! :'''Rex:''' Way cool! Maybe we'll see some mummies! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Tell us where Holiday is! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Where do you think I am? :'''Six:''' Holiday! :'''Bobo:''' So, what's with the halloween get up, doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I found it in one of the chambers. Scares off the curious. I need to get to the bottom of all this before Black Knight. :'''Rex:''' The bottom of what? This is all ancient history? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You can this ancient history? :'''Rex:''' That looks like a nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's because it is a nanite. :'''Six:''' How could they have knowledge back then? :'''Rex:''' Aliens! Like the ones that built the pyramids. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' None of this is more advanced that the 21st century. It's not aliens. I think the answers lie behind this door. But I can't figure out how to open it. :'''Rex:''' Open the door? No problem, Doc! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Stop! This whole place is booby-trapped. We open this wrong, they'll bring the tunnels down on us. :'''Rex:''' If there's a wrong way to open it, then that means there's a right way, too. Maybe the nanite picture is a clue. The whole thing is rigged like one. Told you-- No prob. Whoa, mumies. :'''Bobo:''' What are you lookin' at, beautiful? :'''Rex:''' Ha! Awesome! I'd love to see the look on Knight's face when she finds out we've beat her here. :'''Black Knight:''' Then let me step a little closer so you can see. :'''Six:''' How'd you find us? :'''Black Knight:''' Your mole helped me. :'''Bobo:''' Sorry, pal. :'''Black Knight:''' I should have known better. It's old junk from the dead. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Guranset:''' Gharun Set is not dead. :'''Rex:''' Put her down! :'''Black Knight:''' This isn't the time for violence. Our host has forgotten his manners. I presume he hasn't had guests in a long time. :'''Guranset:''' Almost an eternity. Gharun Set said has waited for his release. Awaken this cursed prison through the ages. :'''Black Knight:''' You speak English. That is interesting. Who taught your own language, Gharun Set? :'''Guranset:''' I was taught by the great father. :'''Black Knight:''' Father? What did he look me? :'''Guranset:''' He is dead-- As all of you soon shall be! :'''Black Knight:''' Now's the time for violence. :'''Guranset:''' Aah! :'''Black Knight:''' A nanite disrupter. Something I had your brother's lab whip up. It's quite lethal. :'''Rex:''' Looks like the lab forgot to tell him that. :'''Guranset:''' The boy controls the engines of life? It can't be. I laid low the armies of six kingdoms, swordsman. You think your tiny blades can stop me? :'''Rex:''' Try this one for size! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His staff is a nanite disrupter. Get it away from him. :'''Rex:''' Easier said than done! :'''Guranset:''' Haah! :'''Rex:''' Oh, mummies! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, yeah, you got your mummies. I hope you're happy! :'''Six:''' Rex! We can handle this! He's getting away! :'''Guranset:''' One last trap to keep me imprisoned, father. Nothing will keep me from my destiny! You serve his plan, child, and don't even know it. :'''Rex:''' Everybody talk weird in ancient Egypt, or it is just your special thing? Uh... are they supposed to do that? :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Guranset:''' Finally! I am free! :'''Six:''' These EVO's won't say dead. :'''Bobo:''' Their breath stinks, too! Ah, boy! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You could thank me for saving your life. :'''Black Knight:''' Dr. Holiday, our lives are not safe yet. :'''Guranset:''' I am not alone. Together, we shall reconquer this land, and then.. the world! :'''Rex:''' Uh, I think the sun's baked him loopy. You can't reanimate that. It's a statue. :'''Guranset:''' This is not statue, child. It is a tomb. Arise, my mighty steed. Arise, my sphinx! :'''Rex:''' Providence, this is Rex. You may want to evacuate Cairo. :'''Guranset:''' This city is a blight upon my kingdom. All shall be as it once was. :'''Rex:''' I'm warning you, Gharun Set-- I don't want to have to get rough with you. Step off the pussycat. :'''Guranset:''' You presume to tell a pharaoph what to do. Be gone! :'''Six:''' Holiday. There's something I want to tell you before it's too late. :'''Bobo:''' Ugh. Hold still! Oh, no. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All of them. Like the nanites keeping them alive... self-destructed? I'm sorry. What were you going to say? :'''Six:''' Holiday... I, uh... :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hold that thought. :'''Bobo:''' What's it gonna be, the kooky chicks or we go help Rex save the world? :'''Six:''' Rex probably has this under control. Holiday needs my-- our help. :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, I can't resist a good catfight either. :'''Rex:''' Let me handle! This it's too dangerous! :'''Pilot:''' Black Knight, target sighted. It's riding a 50-foot-tall house cat. Please advise. :'''Black Knight:''' Do not harm. Contain and capture. We need that specimen. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Pilot disregard. Last order. Target no longer needed. Destroy. Repeat-- Destroy. :'''Pilot:''' You're with the lady. Lock and load. :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! Get out of here! I don't know what he's up to, but it's not good. :'''Garunset:''' Behold the majesty of my dream. My kingdom! My paradise! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What is this place? :'''Black Knight:''' It's the stuff of legends. The fabled hall of records which lay hidden beneath where the sphinx once was. :'''Bobo:''' "Was"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This can't be! That's the helix splitter. And that looks like a nano-flux inducer. Caesar built the first prototype of one last year. :'''Black Knight:''' I can't let you touch any of this. It's too unstable with age. When you blundered in the tomb, you set off a safeguard. Someone thought this room too dangerous for the world to know about. :'''Bobo:''' Agreed. Let's scram! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't! Don't you know what this means to science? The knowledge in here is invaluable. It cannot be lost-- Again! :'''Black Knight:''' It won't be! Now that we know where it is, we can dig it out later. We will study it. I promise you that. :'''Six''': Holiday. Let it go. :'''Guranset''': As father promised-- I will rule forever. :'''Rex''': Forever is gonna be shorter than you think. :'''Guranset''': No! Nooooo! :'''Rex''': Aw, come on! I didn't hit you that hard! :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Rex''': What's happening to you? :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Guranset''': Aaaaaaaaah! :''[Guranset grunts]'' :'''Guranset''': Do not touch your pharaoh. :'''Rex''': You need help. Your nanites are dying of old age-- I think. It's like starting an old car. Uh, o-or a camel. Let me help you. I can fix your nanites, and then maybe-- :'''Guranset''': Lies! :'''Rex''': You're in a strange time, a strange place. We have science, machines. We can help you. Trust us. :'''Guranset''': Like you trust the woman you call Black Knight? I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. Father told me of you... Rex. :'''Rex:''' What? How do you know my-- :'''Guranset''': I would have helped the world. Ended the hunger, the wars. But now he will return. Avenge me. ''[Echoing]'' I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. <hr width80/> :'''Black Knight:''' You wanted something? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The hall of records-- You can't keep it a secret. It must be studied. That hall-- :'''Black Knight:''' What hall? :'''Rex:''' Why'd you do that?! Holiday said-- :'''Black Knight:''' Some secrets are best left buried under the sands, Rex. :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Gentleman. Dr. Holiday. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, what'd you want to tell me back in the tomb? :'''Six:''' It can wait. :'''Rex:''' Don't wait too long. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All those priceless artifacts. And we still don't know who created Gharun Set. ===Guy vs. Guy=== :'''Rex:''' This means war. <hr width80%> ===Double Vision=== : ''[The episode starts as a butterfly flies through plants in a flower shop. Suddenly, Rex is thrown into the shop window, making nearby civilians run away. Rex gets up and looks out of the broken glass, seeing a beastly plant EVO, a few people watching, and Agent Six slashing his swords around to evade the EVO's tentacles.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Pants and brushes leaves off his sleeve and puts on goggles.]'' Not bad! : ''[Uses the Punk Busters to jump out of the shop and generates his Smack Hands to uppercut the EVO, causing it to crash into a nearby building.]'' But I'm better! : ''[The EVO gets out of the glass windows and roars, attacking Agent Six.]'' : '''Agent Six:''' ''[Cuts off a tentacle and walks towards Rex.]'' Talk is cheap, Rex. Prove it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Generating the Smack Hands.]'' No problemo. : ''[The EVO rushes towards Rex, unfortunately, Rex grabs it and slams it onto the ground. A random girl is driving up the road on a moped. However, she is stopped as the EVO blocks the path.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Putting his hands up to assure the girl.]'' Nothing to worry about, I've got this handled. ''[Turns to EVO, whom is still on the floor.]'' Okay big guy, say adiós to those nasty nanites. : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex kneels down to cure the EVO, flowers spout out of the EVO]'' Aw, for me? Does this mean we're dating? : ''[Suddenly, the flowers shoot out some goo into Rex's face, making him slam onto the floor, a crowd forms around the battle.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Yelps while getting up and pulls his goggles off and wipes the goo off his face.]'' Oh, that's better. ''[He gives his goggles to the random female on the moped]'' Hey! Watch these for me. ''[Runs back into battle and generates the Punk Busters and kicks the blacked out EVO over a building.]'' Goal! Hey thanks for holding onto my...huh?... : ''[Rex turns around to see the girl missing from the crowd. Deforming his Punk Busters, he spots the girl riding away on her moped. She turns to look back at Rex, appearing to have on his goggles.]'' : '''Rex:''' Goggles! : ''[Rex puts one of his hands up to signal for her to wait, but the EVO returns and wraps its tentacle around Rex's neck. The EVO twists Rex in mid-air in the sky for a minute before slamming him onto the cement. Rex gets up and sees the goggle girl riding away out of sight.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! You've got my...ungh...goggles... Aah! Ungh! Did you see that girl?! She stole my goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Priorities, Rex. : '''Rex:''' They are my priority, Six. I can pound EVOs any day. Those goggles are-- Ah, great. Who invited her? : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, gentlemen. We've got this covered. : '''Rex:''' We don't need any help. Whoa! Whoa! Ungh! : '''Black Knight:''' Obviously. Control collar-- Now. We'll take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Take it from whe-e-re?! I've already got this under contro-o-o-o-l! Whoa! Ugh! Let me try to cure it. : '''Black Knight:''' The new Providence protocol is to confine, constrain and control. If curing is an option, it will be considered-- At my discretion. : '''Rex:''' Control? I can cure it now and end this. : '''Black Knight:''' The offer still stands. If you want to come back to Providence, you can continue your mission. : '''Rex:''' I have my mission! : '''Black Knight:''' Curing every EVO on Earth isn't a mission, Rex. It's an impossibility. : '''Rex:''' Watch me. : '''Black Knight:''' Everybody back! Contain those seedlings! : '''Rex:''' You just made it worse! Now I've got to clean up your mess. Starting with this guy. See? Fearing works! : '''Black Knight:''' It was your actions that exacerbated this situation. I want full containment and control over those seedlings. Move out-- Now. : '''Agent Six:''' While you were arguing, Holiday found another sprout. Let's go deal with that before Providence does. : '''Rex:''' But-- My goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Focus, Rex. We've got work to do. : '''Rex:''' Nice work! : '''Agent Six:''' Drop in the bucket. Look below. : '''Rex:''' Wow. And I thought I'd be able to knock off early today. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' On the contrary, Rex. By overlaying current worldwide wind patterns on top of international population centers, we're looking at total global infestation within thirty-eight hours. : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, that's a lot of roughage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I need to get in the field and obtain some live samples. Bobo and I will meet you at the rendezvous point in the mobile command center. : '''Rex:''' Okay, doc. We're almost there. Hey! It's that girl! Wh-o-o-o-oa! : '''Agent Six:''' What's gotten into you, Rex? : '''Rex:''' My goggles-- I can't see without them! : '''Agent Six:''' Obviously, you can see without them. : '''Rex:''' Well, yeah, but I really need them a lot of the time. Don't you remember when I first got them? : '''Agent Six:''' Actually, no. : '''Rex:''' Oh. Sorry. My bad. It was early on, when I was just learning to control my powers. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Aaaah! Aah! Aaaaah! Oof! : '''Agent Six:''' Horse manure. : '''Rex:''' This is exactly why I need my goggles! Hey! I thought this thing was just a sprout! : '''Agent Six:''' It's the nature of plants to grow. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Very Zen of you, Six. Well, it's the nature of me to kick EVO butt! Whoa! Oof! Yuck! This stuff really stinks! : '''Agent Six:''' All yours. : '''Rex:''' Ta-da! And for my next trick... Oh, and look who's late to the party. : '''Black Knight:''' ''[Entering]'' Alpha team, I want you to lay down suppressive fire and-- : ''[Realizing the EVOs not there]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Belay that. Sit Ops, I was told we had a Class-Three EVO situation here. Where is the EVO? : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex hands her flowers]'' Sorry. This is all that's left. Six, are we good here? I've got to run. : '''Agent Six:''' I'd put those in water. : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Rex:''' Slow down! I just want to-- Ungh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? What?! No way! Hey! You've got my-- Ugh! Whoa! ...Goggles. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got bigger problems than a girl on a scooter, Rex. First a flower shop, then gardening supplies. It's getting hungrier. Gentlemen, I suggest you get to the sewage-treatment plant as quickly as possible. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Why? : '''Agent Six:''' Fertilizer, Rex, as in if those sprouts chow down on that much raw nourishment, we're in some deep... : ''[Plant EVO bursts through a nearby wall]'' : '''Rex:''' ...Horse maneure. Hungry? Eat this! : '''Agent Six:''' Holiday, get to the sewage plant. We'll meet you there after we clean up. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Clean up? I'd rather make a mess! Shoulda brought my chainsaw. : '''Agent Six:''' Shoot the seedlings! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, this time I'm going to-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Wait! Aw, man! Back off! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Bobo:''' You went a little nuts there, buddy. I like it! But... Goggles? : '''Rex:''' That EVO interrupted before I could finish the story. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Agent Six:''' Here, kid. Try these on. : '''Rex:''' Um, so I can look like a total doofus? : '''Agent Six:''' You have no idea how unique these goggles are, Rex. A reclusive weaponsmith in Zurich crafted this single pair before he turned EVO. : '''Rex:''' Really? And then what happened to him? : '''Agent Six:''' I did. He won't be crafting any more goggles. : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Agent Six:''' These are one-of-a-kind, Rex-- Special, for you. : '''Bobo:''' What a bunch of chimp chips! Those goggles are-- Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Wow. That is a lot of rampaging EVO. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. Lucky holiday-- She's right in the thick of it. : '''Rex:''' Lucky? : '''Bobo:''' She gets to try out all the special modifications I made to that sweet ride. : ''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Plant EVO has Holiday trapped inside the Mobile Command Center]'' Okay. Let's see how you like 10,000 volts of-- : ''[Holiday presses a button, and music starts playing]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo's mix tape?! Who puts the stereo next to the weapons system?! One more time-- Big red button. Always go for the big red button. Unless you don't want to drain the batteries to zero. : ''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo, your improvements could use some improvements. Rex, if you're not too busy, I'd appreciate a little assistance. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, ain't that your girlfriend? : '''Agent Six:''' She can take care of herself, right, Rex? : '''Rex:''' Right-- For now. : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's more like it. Ungh! Fine! Let's see how you like this! I don't know what you just did, Rex, but thanks. Rex? : '''Black Knight:''' I admit our last encounter didn't end well, but I think we need to work together on this one. : '''Rex:''' You want to work together? We left Providence, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex-- : '''Rex:''' What happened to "stay out of my way"? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' So now when you need somebody to take out your trash, you can just forget that I quit your crummy organization? : '''Black Knight:''' Yes, Rex, I can, because I don't let my emotions guide my choices. I only want what's best for Providence-- And the world. : '''Rex:''' Okay, cool. Just wanted to hear you say it. Aah! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, the EVO is too big to cure without getting to its core. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, I'm not doing much good out here! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All those vines, the seedlings, everything-- They're just puppets to the plant. Stop those nanites in the core, and you cut the strings. : '''Rex:''' On it! Huh?! : '''Agent Six:''' Watch it, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! All I want are my goggles. All I've wanted all day are my goggles, and this EVOs been blocking me over and over! Hey, Bobo, you know how to shoot one of these? : '''Bobo:''' Eh, how hard could it be? : '''Rex:''' Load me into this thing and point it right at that EVO's sweet spot. And hurry. I got better stuff to do. : '''Bobo:''' You do know that's 30,000 gallons of raw sewage you're aimin' at? : '''Rex:''' Don't remind me. Oh... Yuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! : '''Agent Six:''' Elegant solution, Rex. : '''Bobo:''' You don't smell elegant. You stink worse than me. I'm a little jealous. : '''Black Knight:''' All right, Rex. Get to work. : '''Rex:''' Work? What do you mean? I just served that vegetable! : '''Black Knight:''' You cut the strings, but you still have to fix the puppets. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' She's right, Rex. : '''Black Knight:''' You want to cure the world? Start curing. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa, man, I'm beat! I don't think I can move another inch if you paid me. : ''[Goggle girl rides past him]'' : '''Rex:''' Gotta move! See ya! Hey! Stop for a second! Six, I'm really starting to think this girl's got some kind of EVO action going on-- Teleporter, speedster, something. : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Six, she's not just a teleporter. She can make doubles of herself-- Multiple abilities! She's an EVO, like me! : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the skeevy guy who's been chasing me. He was chasing me, too. And me. What do you want? : '''Rex:''' You took my goggles! I want them back! : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey, Einstein, did you see our logo? That stands for "Goggle Girl", as in the delivery service. You haven't ever heard of us? : '''Rex:''' Um... No. : '''Goggle girl:''' "Nothing is cuter than a girl on a scooter." Kind of hard to miss. : ''[Goggle girl groans]'' : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the worst slogan ever. : '''Rex:''' But-- But my goggles! : '''Goggle girl:''' Part of our costume. The boss buys them in bulk, along with these cheesy wigs he makes us wear. It's kind of lame. : '''Rex:''' In bulk?! Those goggles?! But... They're one-of-a-kind! They're special! They're-- They're... I'll just go now. Nope. Nope. Definitely not. : '''Agent Six:''' I still don't know why those goggles were so important to you. : '''Rex:''' You gave to me, Six. It was the first present, the first nice thing that I remember getting since you found me. You said they were special, and that made me feel special. : '''Six:''' Yes, about those goggles... Apparently, according to Bobo, I may have misled you. There was dozens of them in the Providence service bay. : '''Rex:''' I knew the story was fake, but you told it because you cared about me. That's what made them special. : '''Agent Six:''' I see. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, champ. You got a package. : '''Goggle girl:''' Sign, please. : '''Agent Six:''' It's for you. From us. Just open it. : '''Rex:''' My goggles! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Better. We commissioned an enhanced version. : '''Rex:''' Cool! Infrared... Microscopic... Nanovision?! Thanks, you guys. You really are one-of-a-kind. : '''Bobo:''' Those are great, but these are me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need to hold on to them for a few more hours while I run a full diagnostic. : '''Rex:''' A few hours?! I just got them! Aw! : '''Bobo:''' Here-- Because I care. : '''Goggle girl:''' They actually look kinda cute. : '''Rex:''' Hey, doc! No rush! : '''Bobo:''' Ain't love grand? ===Black and White=== : '''Calan:''' Be advised, we've got activity. Major activity. Stop right there, or we'll shoot! Don't make me do it. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''Calan:''' Calan to command, tell Black Knight-- We have apprehended the intruders. Repeat, we got'em. : '''Rex:''' No! Get out of my head! Stop it! Stop! Stop with the talking! A dream. Oh, thank you! For a second, I swore that I heard his voice. It was almost like he was in the-- Room. Huh?! : '''White Knight:''' I was wondering if I was gonna have to send the monkey in with a bucket of water. But I thought, "why should he have all the fun?" Five minutes-- Situation room. Consider this your wake-up call. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you supposed to be playing dead? You're lucky Black Knight doesn't know you're here. : '''White Knight:''' Black Knight thinks what I want her to think. With the installation of the new regime, I suspected that there was more going on at providence than just this new control protocol. I decided to test my hypothesis. I needed time to operate freely without prying eyes. So I went off the grid. : '''Rex:''' And from the smell of it, you haven't changed out of your suit since then. : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''White Knight:''' I've been busy. I've been tracking their operations. They involve familiar locales and even more familiar machinery. : '''Rex:''' You still use a camera with film? Do they even make that stuff anymore? : '''White Knight:''' What they don't make are machines like these. This is the wreckage of Rylander's lab. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Are they doing what I think they're doing? : '''Rex:''' Do what? : '''White Knight:''' It appears that this new Providence is restarting the nanite program. : '''Rex:''' There is no way my brother would help restart something that nearly destroyed the world. There's got to be a good explanation. We should just ask him. : '''White Knight:''' We can't risk direct contact. We need to infiltrate Providence, download her computer banks, and assess how far along they are before we take any other actions. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over there. : '''Rex:''' Just saying there's more here than meets the eye. Whoa! : '''Six:''' Breaking into Providence? That's a big move, even for you. Black Knight is sure to have enhanced the security systems. We may be able to breach the perimeter defenses, but once inside, we'd be blind targets. : '''White Knight:''' You'd be right if we were playing on her board. : '''Six:''' Forgive me for doubting you. : '''Rex:''' Okay, is someone gonna tell me what these are for? This is so not going to work. : '''Six:''' Trust the plan. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, so, maybe they worked. But how'd you get them to do it on cue? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All a matter of timing. Assuming we get past the outer perimeter, securing the data is a completely different story. Providence encrypts all data. We need to disable multiple units before we can download anything off the mainframe. Doing that undetected is ''[sighs]'' insane. : '''Rex:''' Finally, a voice of reason. I'm calling my brother. Took the lady with three phds to realize what I've been saying all along is right. Hey, that costs money! I'm over my minutes! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you... This is... : '''Six:''' Doable. : '''Rex:''' Do what? What is that? A secret passage. : '''White Knight:''' When they built the tower, I had them install, these-- Upper-management corridors. : '''Six:''' In the old days, they called passages like these the king's road. : '''White Knight:''' From here, we face some unknowns. Stick to the plan. Or we could die. : '''Rex:''' What?! Me?! What about you?! Part of the plan was to do this quietly. : '''Calan:''' Stop right there, or we'll shoot! : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Here we go. Ok, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''White Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. : ''[Calan laughs]'' : '''Calan:''' Welcome back, sir. We've been waiting for you. : '''Rex:''' Que, huh? : '''Calan:''' Sorry for the scare, Rex. We couldn't guarantee the Black Knight wasn't taper our communications. It was best to keep radio silence. In any case-- Say hello to your man on the inside. He've got a bomb! All units, fall back, fall back! Captain Calan, do you copy? Report. : '''White Knight:''' Ready for a repeate performance? : '''Calan:''' Ready when you are, sir. Good luck, everyone. They're headed for the... petting zoo. : '''Holiday:''' Here it is. Just like he said. : '''White Knight:''' This is the Hive. The central nervous system of the entire complex. An electric field protects the inner chambers. We'll need the circuit bandage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I've got an idea, but you'll have to go in partially naked. We've got eyes everywhere. : '''Six:''' Good. Knight and I will handle the encryption towers. You know what to do with this. : '''Rex:''' No sweat. I'm on it. Just have to make one quick detour. Bro? You in here? Oh, no. No, no, no! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, is that you? What brings you here? : ''[Six groans]'' : '''Six:''' Partially naked. Tower one clear. Proceed to next phase. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Got it. Redirecting the data flow now. : '''Calan:''' Anyone hear for the monkey? : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Bobo:''' Offical pet desk. Keep your distance. : '''Rex:''' Is that Dr. Rylander? : '''Caesar:''' It is. Well, almost. After you brought back Van Kleiss, I couldn't help but to wonder if perhaps I might do the same for him. Unfortunately, Van Kleiss was already great in tune the nanites. As you can see, Dr. Rylander-- wasn't. : '''Rex:''' Ok, whatever. Listen, I'm here on a secret mission. : '''Caesar:''' Secret? : '''Rex:''' White Knight said-- : '''Caesar:''' White Knight is alive? : '''Rex:''' If you can call him that. Anyway, he says... you might wanna sit down for this part? That Black Knight is restarting the nanite program. Don't you think that's messed up? : '''Caesar:''' On the contrary. I'm in charge of it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Commencing download in T-2 minutes. White Knight has infiltrated sector three. You're right. They are monitoring our movements. How did you know? : '''White Knight:''' It's what I would do. Now start evac protocols. : '''Black Knight:''' I've torn this facility apart looking for that? When I found it, I still couldn't get to it. Bio-feed security system-- Clever. You have to be nanite-free to open it. I guessed you weren't dead. I knew if I let enough info leak about what we're doing here, you've showed up, eventually. I'll take it. : '''White Knight:''' You can try. : '''Black Knight:''' What ever you say. You were the boss. : '''White Knight:''' That's not a providence toy. : '''Black Knight:''' A woman is entitled her secrets. Especially when those secrets keep me alive. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''White Knight:''' Ohh! What I could've done with you if I hired you first. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't fool yourself, White. : '''White Knight:''' Ohh, ohh, ohh! : '''Black Knight:''' You were bandage at best. the Consortium knew that you weren't the leader for the future. Stand down, old man! : '''White Knight:''' I've got a few secrets of my own, kid. After all, this was my office. Consortium or not, it will be again. : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be advised, they're on to us. Making for the rendezvous. : '''Six:''' I'll take my swords back now. Please. : '''Rex:''' What are you doing, helping Black Knight? She's obviously the more psycho of the two knights. : '''Caesar:''' I'm not helping the Black Knight do anything. I'm trying to fix things. The day everything changed. We never imagined what would happen when we released the nanites. : '''Rex:''' Release them?! You caused the nanite event?! : '''Caesar:''' It was the only way we were going to save the world. : '''Rex:''' You unleashed the worst man-made disaster the world has ever seen!! You've ruined countless lives!! How can you say that you saved anything?! : '''Caesar:''' You weren't there... not in any way that mattered! If we hadn't-- : '''Rex:''' Hold that thought. Here, doggy, doggy. : '''Six:''' Excessive? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Sweet, actually. Now you're overdoing it. : '''White Knight:''' ''[panting]'' Are we finished here? ''[screams]'' Careful, Black. Your council wouldn't be too pleased if you destroyed the very thing you're after. : '''Black Knight:''' If doesn't have to be like this, White! The Consortium may have lost faith in you, but you know my methods are right. Come back. Under my protection, who knows? There may even be a promotion in it for you. : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' I am going to stop the Consortium. If you or Providence gets in my way, this tape goes public. : '''Black Knight:''' Wait! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stop! You're destroying my work! : '''Rex:''' Your work is done! And so are we! I got it. Time to blow this-- : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. Face it, kiddo... today is not your day. : '''Rex:''' Actually, today's wednesday, and wednesday means fiesta night at the cafeteria. Getting in is going to be cake... very dangerous cake. Any bright ideas on how we're getting out? : '''Bobo:''' I got one word for you, kid-- Plumbing. : '''Rex:''' I got it. Time to blow this... : '''Bobo:''' Taco stand. : '''White Knight:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Me and Van Gogh, unappreciated in our time. : '''Rex:''' All of that-- Was for that?! I got nanites, billions of 'em. : '''White Knight:''' Not like this one, Rex. This is a Meta Nanite. One of several. Hardwired into its design is a program for the original Dominion Code. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Dominion Code? I thought that was a myth. : '''White Knight:''' I can assure you, doctor, it is very real. Each one gives its host control over different building blocks of the universe- matter, antimatter, elemental, space, time, reality. With the complete code, you can control them. And through them, you control ''everything''. In sort, it's the God Code. : '''Rex:''' The Consortium want to be...gods? : '''White Knight:''' If it wasn't for the original Nanite Event scattering the Metas across the globe, they may have already succeeded. The situation has changed, people. Black Knight has been searching the globe for the other Meta-Nanites. She needs them all to complete the Master Program. As long as we're keeping her secret, she'll hold off. But sooner or later, she'll be coming for this with the full power of Providence and the Consortium at her back. So... if you want to move on, forget what I've told you. : '''Rex:''' You're not getting rid of us that easily, old man. My parents died for this. Black Knight wants war, war she gets. ===Deadzone=== : '''Holiday:''' "You cannot let him out of your sight, Rex. Don't you see why Black Knight wants him? He's the ultimate insurance against any E.V.O." : '''Rex:''' "Not just any. Me." <hr width80%> : '''Black Knight:''' "Since the search for Feakins is going nowhere, we have no choice but to become much more aggressive with Rex." ===Assault on Abysus=== : '''Diane Farrah:''' Through research and hard work, Providence has turned the curse of the EVO into a blessing. One that will serve mankind. Science and compassion have created a new future for all EVOs. A future filled with happiness and hope. : '''Black Pawn:''' You? Seen some EVOs pass through here? <hr width80%> *Rex and Circe finally admit their true feelings for one another. Unfortunately, there was not enough episodes to explore their romance further. <hr width80%> : ''[Somewhere in [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong, China]]'']'' : '''Circe:''' Okay. They're gone. : '''Skywwd:''' For now. Get out of here, Circe. Run! : '''Circe:''' I'm not leaving you guys. : '''Skywwd:''' You can pass as human. Go-- Before Providence gets you too. : '''Black Pawn:''' The girl! She's with them! : '''Skwwyd:''' Run! : '''Rex:''' Hmm? What's up? : '''Circe:''' You're the only person I could turn to. : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' I don't know. That's the hardest part. : '''Rex:''' You did what you had to do. : '''Circe:''' I left them there, Rex. Our friends. Providence has to be stopped. Someone needs to do something. : '''Rex:''' ''[puts his arms around Circe to comfort her]'' We are. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Am I disturbing you two? : '''Rex:''' No. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight wants to talk with you. : '''Rex:''' Ugh. What's he gonna yell at me for this time? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No, I meant Circe. He wants to talk to her. : '''Circe:''' Providence has been hunting these down, too? : '''White Knight:''' You didn't tell her about them, Rex? : '''Rex:''' I thought the Master Control Nanites were supposed to be top secret. : '''White Knight:''' She has to know if she's going to lead the mission. : '''Rex:''' Her? That was supposed to be my mission. : '''White Knight:''' It's no one's mission. It's about getting the job done. : '''Circe:''' Why me? : '''White Knight:''' Intelligence indicates that Providence has targeted a Master Control Nanite in Abysus. In Van Kleiss' old castle, to be more precise. You're the only one with the knowledge to get us in there. : '''Rex:''' I've been there before. How hard could it be? Circe, you don't have to. : '''Circe:''' If it helps stop Black Knight in Providence, I'm in. : '''Rex:''' Okay, Doc. We made it. The new power suit gave me more range, just like you said. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Circe:''' Thanks, Banak. We're trying to keep a low profile. Don't tell anyone, okay? : '''Rex:''' Good thing you knew the secret whistle or we might have been rooting around forever. : ''[Rex chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Get it? "Root"? Uh... This can't be easy coming back here. I owe you. : '''Circe:''' Forget it. We're even. I used you in the past, now you and your friends are using me. : '''Rex:''' Is there some sort of problem between you and me? : '''Circe:''' There's nothing between you and me. Just the mission. I don't have good memories of this place. Let's just leave it at that, okay? : '''Rex:''' Fine. I'm surprised we haven't run into-- Ugh! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Traitor! Stop her! : '''Circe:''' Aah! : '''Rex:''' Can you chill?! There's no time for this. Who's leading you now that Van Kleiss is gone? I need to speak to your leader. Figures. Biowolf, we have a problem. And... I need your help. : '''Biowulf:''' I will listen. : '''Rex:''' Great, because-- : '''Biowulf:''' Only after you. earn the right-- Through combat. : ''[Biowulf growls]'' : ''[Rex spits]'' : '''Rex:''' At least Van Kleiss was civilized. Buckle up, dog boy. : '''Biowulf:''' You may speak. This nanite you want-- It's not here. None of us have seen it up in the castle or the blast source. : '''Rex:''' I didn't say up. It's down. White Knight thinks it's under the castle. Some other secure lab area. : '''Biowulf:''' The primary chamber? : '''Circe:''' It's under the castle? Van Kleiss always said it was forbidden for us to go there. : '''Rex:''' You think he remembered to tell Black Knight that? Let me take it out of here. : '''Biowulf:''' No! You're a traitor to your own kind. A lapdog to these humans. I've heard enough! : '''Rex:''' All of us will fall-- All EVOs-- If she gets it. Black Knight is worse than you know. If I don't get the nanite out of here, Providence will take it. : '''Biowulf:''' Providence! This is Abysus, the heart of the EVO world. Providence wouldn't dare. : '''Circe:''' The sentries have spotted something. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I wonder who. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Black Knight, the assault forces are in place. : '''Black Knight:''' The field is yours. We've secured the borders. No chance White Knight and his team will get in the country to interfere. : '''Biowulf:''' The castle is surrounded. : '''Rex:''' Standard operating procedure for Providence is to secure the perimeter, then close for attack. Black Knight will have snuck forces around back. : '''Skalamander:''' How should we counter? : '''Rex:''' Easy. : '''Biowulf:''' You take your nanite. I'll decide how to deal with the invaders. : '''Black Pawn:''' Deploy the collars. Rise. Forward. Attack. : '''Rex:''' The nanite event blew away half the castle. This must have been deep enough to survive it. Huh? You hear that? : '''Circe:''' No. Hear what? : '''Rex:''' Uh... Nothing. This place would make a great rec room. Maybe a karaoke machine over there-- : '''Circe:''' Van Kleiss would send volunteers down here to try and get in. None of them ever came back. : '''Rex:''' Well... That's encouraging. : '''Circe:''' What is it? : '''Rex:''' They're... I-I think they're nanites. They're following our lights. They can't see in the dark. I have a plan. Lead them back. : '''Circe:''' ''[concerned]'' Rex? : '''Rex:''' When I say "roll," roll. : '''Circe:''' What?! : '''Rex:''' Roll! Circe, sing! : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic blasts on the EVOs and beams at Rex.]'' : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' We always made a good team. : '''Circe:''' It won't hold them long. : '''Rex:''' You think this is why Van Kleiss always wanted me-- So I could get him in here? : '''Biowulf:''' Providence has breached the castle. We can't hold our position much longer. : '''Rex:''' Go. I'll get the Master-Control Nanite. ''[Notices how worried Circe is about him probably not returning]'' This isn't Hong Kong. I'll be okay. I'll meet up with you soon. : '''Biowulf:''' They've turned our own people against us. : '''Circe:''' Let me see what I can do. : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic bursts on several collared EVOs]''. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : ''[Circe gasping]'' : '''Circe:''' So many. : '''Biowulf:''' You can't stop the ones they've collared. : '''Circe:''' I can go down trying. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Her sonics are disrupting the offensive. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Hyah! Unh! : '''Biowulf:''' If we can't defeat them, we'll take down as many as we can fighting. : '''Circe:''' This isn't one battle. It's a war. And we can't let it end here before Rex has the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Biowulf:''' What, then? : '''Circe:''' Tactical retreat. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh. Dad. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Outer rooms of the castle secured. : '''Black Pawn:''' I don't need you here, Black Knight. It's only a matter of time. We will take the castle piece by piece. : ''[Skalamander growling]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' You are ours now. Down. : ''[Skalamander grunting]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Rex is here. He will make you bow to us! : '''Black Knight:''' This is all a diversion. Find Rex before he gets the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Black Pawn:''' Yes, Ma'am. : '''Black Knight:''' Either you do it or I will. I'm on my way. : '''Rex:''' This place... Rylander had the same type of lab. : '''Soldier:''' Security system engaged. : '''Rex:''' No! : '''Soldier:''' Intruder. Provide authorized identity or be terminated. Identify. Identify. Identify. Identify. : '''Rex:''' Aah! I'm Rex! Rex Salazar! : '''Soldier:''' Salazar genetype-- Accepted. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' There you are, you little troublemaker. You're coming home with the good guys. Uhh. Weird. Uh... I don't suppose you're looking for the karaoke machine? Running into you-- What a coincidence. Come down here a lot? Whoa! Missed me. : '''Black Pawn:''' I have the nanite. Keep the boy busy while I get it to Black Knight. : '''Rex:''' No! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' You two sure know how to make an entrance. : '''Circe:''' The others are getting hammered by Provindence. They're barely holding them off in the dungeon. : '''Rex:''' Gee! Van Kleiss has a dungeon. What a surprise. : '''Biowulf:''' This is no joke. They might die because I came down here to save you. : '''Rex:''' I won't let them get taken. I promise you that. But I need you to let me call the shots. : ''[Biowulf sighs]'' : '''Biowulf:''' Very well. : '''Rex:''' Circ, dungeon left or right? : '''Circe:''' Left. The dungeon's the other way. : '''Rex:''' I'm not looking for the dungeon. I'm looking for the scouts. : '''Black Pawn:''' Nothing. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe a little something. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' Scouts. Classic Providence tactics-- So they don't get ambushed. Uhh. What is this place? : '''Biowulf:''' The old reservoir. It goes to the river. : '''Rex:''' Perfect. ''[deep voice]'' Scout to command. West wing, reservoir-- We've found a back way onto what must be the main EVO force. It's five times the size of what you're fighting. : '''Black Pawn:''' Roger, scout. All forces, withdraw from dungeon siege. Report to west wing, reservoir. Ambush maneuver lambda. : '''Rex:''' ''[normal voice]'' Get your troops. It's bath time. : '''Biowulf:''' Now you bow to Rex! : '''Rex:''' The Providence goons are contained, Biowulf. They shouldn't be any more trouble. And I got the Master-Control Nanite. Looks like mission accomplished. : '''Circe:''' Rex, I-- : ''[She and Rex cling to each other as the castle begins shaking.]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Rex, order your friends to surrender. You're all under Providence custody. I always knew it might be impossible to capture the Master-Control Nanite in the heart of the nanite infestation. So the solution was to remove it. : '''Circe:''' It's Hong Kong all over again. : '''Rex:''' No. We can fight. We'll double back and-- A-and then-- : '''Biowulf:''' Go! Get the nanite out of here! : '''Rex:''' No! I promised you! : '''Biowulf:''' You were right. That nanite is more important than anyone here. Including myself. I am the leader. I give the orders. Run! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex:''' They were counting on me. I don't want to leave them. : '''Circe:''' I did what I had to do. You do what you have to. I want you to know, all this was never about me just using you. : ''[Circe gasps]'' : ''[Finally admits her true romantic feelings for Rex in the form of a passionate kiss. She then pushes a shocked Rex off the ledge, so he could escape; and her getting collared and captured in his stead. She smiled with tears in her eyes, with the promise that she would be okay.]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[burdened by Circe admitting her intense love for him and sacrifice]'' We all make sacrifices for the things we care about-- The people we love. But when the stakes are this high, who can we trust? What would that power do to anyone who had it? They attacked Abysus. What's stopping them from attacking us for these nanites? : '''White Knight:''' They will-- Sooner or later. That's why I want to turn the tables on them first. : '''Rex:''' You know how to do that so we survive in one piece? : '''White Knight:''' Not yet. ===Remote Control=== : '''Bobo:''' Providence goons are thick as fleas tonight, and I know fleas. : '''Rex:''' We're gonna be late if we have to keep sneaking around. : '''Bobo:''' After you. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex must have bailed on us-- Again. : '''Cricket:''' He would never do that, Skwydd. And besides, he dad to fly all the way to Honk Kong on his own. Give him some time. : '''Tuck:''' He's here! Everything okay, Rex? : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Cricket, Tuck, this way! : ''[Skwydd grunts]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Ow. Yeah, I think I'll stick to ink. : '''Cricket:''' We need to find Rex. : '''Skwydd:''' He was supposed to find us. : '''Tuck:''' How are we gonna-- : '''Quarry:''' Wrong. They'll be coming with me. Anybody got a problem with that? : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? : '''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah, they were here. This came out of Skwydd. Mm. : '''Rex:''' Ew! If those Providence goons hurt them, I'm gonna-- : '''Bobo:''' What do you say you use a little of that aggression and get some answers, champ? : '''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends? Quarry? : '''Cricket:''' If you think we're going to thank you for getting us out of there, Quarry. : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : '''Quarry:''' I think you're going to do exactly as I say. : ''[Activates the mind-control collar on her neck]'' : '''Cricket:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Occupied Hong Kong-- What a dump! Where to, chief? : '''Rex:''' I have no idea. How did he get away from Van Kleiss? How is he even alive? : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's cool. We're not going to hurt you. What's Providence turned into? This whole city is living in fear. : '''Bobo:''' Well, we ain't gonna find my answers in this alley. I got a guide book. Ooh! A coupon for all-you-can-eat dim sum. What? A chimp's gotta eat. : '''Rex:''' Okay, let's go. But keep moving. Maybe we'll turn up a clue. : '''Bobo:''' Aw, this just breaks my heart. All that grub and no one to eat it. : '''Monster EVO:''' Can you help a fellow EVO who's down on his luck? : '''Rex:''' I can do better than that. Let me take care of this for you. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! : '''Bobo:''' I wanna order some chow to go. Give me some of those chicken feet, and give me the beaks, too. : '''Rex:''' I thought that collar was supposed to make you mellow! What? Now you know Kung Fu? I don't have time for this. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, buddy. It looked like you could use some-- Hey, where'd the charity case go? : '''Rex:''' He had to leave suddenly. All yours. I need some time to think. : '''Bobo:''' More for me! Go off and think your brains out, pal. You know where to find me. Ah, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, my beak-dealing chum. And speaking of chum-- : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''Bobo:''' Do I detect the delightful aroma of fish heads? : '''Gamer Boy:''' Hey, kid! You like video games? Want a cool job? : '''Rex:''' I already have a cool job. : '''Gamer Boy:''' This is the coolest job you'll ever have. Mr. Quarry, pays top dollar for good players and I can set you up. : '''Rex:''' Quarry? Tell me more. : '''Huckster:''' ''[Cockney accent]'' Okay, kids. Looks like we're all here, right? Let me show you around. : '''Quarry:''' What do you matter, the big fish? Time to reel him in. : '''Huckster:''' This is all state-of-the-art stuff-- Exciting, new tech. You get to play as an EVO and go on a Crown Street. How cool is that? : '''Rex:''' Hey! That looks like the EVO that jumped me. : '''Huckster:''' We model our characters from actual EVOs. This is as close to reality as you can get. : '''Rex:''' Hey! You guys! Oh, am I glad to see you! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Cricket, it's me! Rex! Used to a crush on me?! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Let them go. They'll lead us straight to Quarry. : '''Cricket:''' "Used to have a crush"? <hr width80%> : '''Cricket:''' You know how collared EVOs follow kind of like a robot. with these collars, it's worse. It's like you're a remote-controlled robot. : '''Rex:''' That is a nasty hack. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Your friends are very valuable to me as are you. : '''Rex:''' Like the new look- strapping. : '''Quarry:''' Let's just say I had to find a way to "keep it together" after my visit to Abyuss. Just one more thing you owe me for and you know how much I like a balanced book. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' You'll be the crown jewel of my EVO army, Rex. I may just make you my own personal slave. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' That collar suits you, Rex. Wish I had one for you back in the old days. Would've saved me a lot of trouble. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The arcade- all those kids. : '''Quarry:''' those brats were born to play games, which is what they think their doing. And I have your people to thank for the tech. That brother of yours is quite the wiz kid. : '''Rex:''' Caesar would never-- : '''Cricket:''' Forget about Caesar, Rex! You know what you got to do! : '''Rex:''' These guys will shred you if I leave! : '''Tuck:''' We got this, Rex! Go! <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Consider the fact that you made me like this while I'm crushing you. ===A Brief History of Time=== : '''Van Kleiss:''' 4.000 years from my destination, and I've run out of of time. I've scarcely completed the vessel which shall deliver me to my own era. Gharun-Set, activate the traps-- Quickly! My greatest creation-- So useful to me, but too dangerous to roam free. If only I had time to destroy him, as I should. But I have a more pressing death I must prevent. My own. AAAAAAAAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Kind of defeating the whole stealth element of a stealth suit, Bobo. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, now was I supposed to know that ghanoush went bad? : '''Rex:''' Maybe because you found it in a garbage can. : '''Bobo:''' On top of a garbage can. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to Rex. Are you at the site? : '''Rex:''' There is not site, remember? Black Knight blew the pace to kingdom come. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Yet it's still guarded. And thanks to the data you stole from Providence, we know why. : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss back in time? I still find it hard to believe. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You were sent six months into the future, Rex. It stands to reason that the reverse is possible. : '''Rex:''' Well, if you expect to find him here, maybe we should check the mummy museum. We're sensing nanites-- Definitely V.K.'s. They've been dead a long time. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over 4,000 years. I'm also detecting tachyons-- Quantum particles that travel in time. I think it's clear what he was making. : '''Bobo:''' A latrine? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' A time machine. : '''Rex:''' No way he pulled it off! If mister ego made it back to here and now, we'd know about it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Some of these nanites are considerably younger. That means he was there in two different time periods. : '''Rex:''' Time travel gives me a headache. Just tell me-- Where is he now? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The more accurate question is, when is he? : '''Van Kleiss:''' AAAAAAH! : ''[Van Kleiss gasping]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! The ordeal is... draining. But now, back in my own time, I can replenish my nanite reserves and-- : '''Gladiator #1:''' Quis es tu? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I recognize the language, of course-- Classical latin. Qui-- Q-Qui annus est? : '''Gladiator #1:''' What year is it? You dare question a captain of the imperial guard? Aegyptus is a roman Providence! Answer! Who are you? : '''Gladiator #2:''' Don't bother-- He's clearly sun-mad. : '''Van Kleiss:''' The dialect, the dress-- This is the second century A.D. A mere 2,000 years has passed. I'm only halfway home! : '''Gladiator #1:''' Another escaped slave. Finish him and be done with it. : ''[Gladiator #2 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It was all the fight I could muster. I had no way to replace the nanites I'd spent in the journey, and my gauntlet had yet to recharge those that remained. : '''Gladiator #2:''' This one shows spirit. He'll bring a good price in the arena. : '''Van Kleiss:''' OOMPH! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #2:''' Save your strength. : '''Gladiator #3:''' Where you're going, you'll need it. : ''[Van Kleiss slurps]'' : ''[Van Kleiss gulps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I intend to. Of the mysterious force, there is no sign. Yet I sense it is close-- Pursuing me even across the centuries. I am convinced it is a manifestation of time itself. My presence is a violation of physics-- An imbalance which the time stream seeks to correct... By wiping me from existence. But of this, I am certain-- If I do not return to my own time, it will surely destroy me. : '''Gladiator #1:''' You are fortunate, slave. To die in the arena is a great honor. : '''Van Kleiss:''' An honor I look forward to bestowing. : ''[Gladiator #1 laughs]'' : '''Gladiator #1:''' You see? Spirit! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' Put on a good show, little man, and I promise to make your end a painless one. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Indeed? : ''[Gladiator #3 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I, on the other hand, make no such promise. : ''[Gladiator #3 grunting]'' : ''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Gladiator #3 groans]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' One against so many? Hardly seems fair. For them. : '''Gladiator #4:''' ARRRGHHHH! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ordinarily, I'd say "take me to your leader," but I believe he's already here. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great warrior... Never have I seen such a battle. I am... : '''Van Kleiss:''' Septimius Severus, 21st emperor of Rome, founder of the severan dynasty. And, as I recall, you poisoned your own commanding officer to get his position... And wear only boots to conceal a prodigious clubfoot. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Are you a man... Or a God? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I find both labels rather limiting. Now, then, you are going to give me whatever I require, starting with a quiet place to work. I, in return, shall ensure the growth and security of your reign as emperor. You may call me Van Kleiss. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Whatever your desire, great Vanklios. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, it's... Got a rather nice ring. : '''Rex:''' What's with this guy? Gets a portrait done in every time period? : '''Bobo:''' Mm. ''[muffled]'' Truly a nutjob for the ages. Mm. Speaking of nuts... Want some? : '''Rex:''' You've been dumpster-diving again? : '''Bobo:''' I prefer "foraging." : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Nice sleuthing there, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Nanites decay at a measurable half-life. I set our sat-net to do a global scan for the same frequency-- Ergo, Rome. : '''Rex:''' Great. You scan for the next stop, we'll grab a pizza. : '''Bobo:''' Pass. I'm experiencing inexpicable gastric distress. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it would take months to scan the entire spectrum. You need to find the next decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Kind of like nanite connect-the-dots! Can I do it with someone else? : '''Bobo:''' Hey, quiet, you! Rah! : '''Rex:''' This goose chase just got a little wilder. My brother's here. : '''Caesar:''' Caesar to Black. We've detected paleo-nanites. Tachyon readings negative. We're moving to the next hot stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons-- They want Van Kleiss' time machine. Follow them. : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Bobo:''' Can you give me a teeny sec? I gotta find the little gladiators' room. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Advances in the last two millenia have allowed me to complete my lab in weeks instead of months. Restrict the flow! Do you want to overload the power cells? Meanwhile, my own nanite supply continues to dwindle. : ''[Septimius Severus panting]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great Vanklios, protect me! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I've divulged metallurgy and tactics beyond your day. No man may threaten your rule. : '''Septimius Severus:''' This is no man-- But an apparition! : ''[Septimius Severus grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' What apparition? Speak, parasite! : '''Septimius Severus:''' A spirit of doom! Numerous sightings-- The insulare, the rostra, the forum. Listen! It comes! It comes! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Fool. It only wants me. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Ugh! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I release you. Go start a few legends. : '''Septimius Severus:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOO! : ''[Septimius Severus gasps]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Be gone! I beg of you! Aah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, those stress lines-- It's the same pattern we saw in Egypt. : '''Black Knight:''' Report. : '''Caesar:''' These aqueducts are truly marvels of roman engineering. : '''Black Knight:''' Have you picked up the next decay frequency? : '''Caesar:''' Oh-- That. Yes. Uplinking to our global net. Odd. These tachyons seems unrelated to-- : '''Black Knight:''' We have the next target. Scandinavia. Move out. White Knight may have people on the trail. I expect you to do whatever it takes to procure the objective. : '''Rex:''' Shh! : '''Caesar:''' I've initiated the same steps as in Egypt! Come along. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need that decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Just one small problem, doc. This place... is toast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? Bobo? Respond! : '''Rex:''' We're okay, doc. Not a mark on us. : '''Bobo:''' Same can't be said for my stealth suit. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex and Bobo gasps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' So many lives... It's become a blur. I don't know who I am anymore. Only that I must sail onward, ever onwoard down the river of time. Never resting, always moving. Further draining my nanite reserves beyond my ability to replenish. And each re-emergence, I am pursued by the nameless force. I now know it's personal. I am a virus-- An infection of space-time. Call it what you like. This is time's antibody. Whether I can borne home or drowned in its currents, this is my final journey. : '''Rex:''' Hurry! I'm not sure if we here followed. : '''Bobo:''' I'm sure. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Don't shoot! It's me. : '''Rex:''' Holiday? Shouldn't you be at the plant, connecting the dots? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No more dots to connect. The trail ends here. And... I'm reading a humanoid form inside. : '''Rex:''' I'm confused. Is it a time machine or isn't it? : '''Caesar:''' It's not a time machine. Are those really necessary? : '''Rex:''' No way you're getting this time machine, bro! : '''Caesar:''' I don't want it. And it's not a time machine. : '''Bobo:''' Well, then, what is it? A meat locker for cold cuts? : '''Caesar:''' Surprisingly close. We use this technique to transfer unstable nanites. It puts them into a state of dormancy. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Of course. It's a hibernation chamber. : '''Caesar:''' Only his nanites were dormant. There would still be neuron flow. : '''Rex:''' Mind telling me what that means, exactly? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He was... Aware. The whole time, for hundreds of years. : '''Caesar:''' He would have felt every minute pass. : '''Rex:''' No way! He's totally a mummy! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Run! It's coming! It's coming?! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Rex:''' Easy, easy, Van Kleiss. You're back-- Back in your own time. : '''Van Kleiss:''' No! No, it'll find me! It always does! You must protect me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyon readings off the chart! Rex, you can't affect that thing. I don't know what can. : '''Caesar:''' It's a field of pure tachyons. I've got to get a sample. : '''Rex:''' Oh, no, you don't! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I'm back! Back in my own time! You shall not have me?! OHHHH! : '''Bobo:''' Settle down, Van Winkle. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, no. It couldn't be. I need some way to contain it! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons can't be contained! : '''Caesar:''' Yes, they can. Rex! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it's too risky! : '''Rex:''' But I know what this is. Correction-- I know who this is. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's... Breach. : '''Rex:''' Breach. Breach! It's me-- Rex. : '''Breach:''' Rex? Are you real... Or a dream? : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm real. : '''Breach:''' I was everywhere-- Everywhen. But I was nothing-- An emptiness, needing to be filled. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The amp pack. Van Kleiss controlled it. When his nanites were active, Breach was drawn into his timeframe. : ''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' The final joining would have destroyed them both. : '''Breach:''' Guess I should say thanks. : '''Rex:''' Hey, what are friends for? Um, we are still friends... Right? : '''Caesar:''' You did well, little bro. : '''Rex:''' And you have your time machine that... isn't a time machine. Everybody goes home happy. : '''Caesar:''' That? A curiosity-- True. But it was never our goal. : ''[Van Kleiss shivering]'' : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss?! All this for him? what, they're gonna put him in jail? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's Providence, Rex. That's their jurisdiction. : '''Caesar:''' No need to worry, little brother. He's going to be well supervised. : '''Rex:''' Caesar, what is going on!? : '''Caesar:''' Justice. : '''Bobo:''' Two words-- Crème Brûlée. Ooh. Right after I make a french connection. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Welcome back, Van Kleiss. You look terrible. Ordinarily, I'd say get some rest, but you've had enough of that, I suppose. : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Pull it together. We have work to do. Do you know who I am? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I know who you are. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. ===Mind Games=== : '''Rex''': Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure of that. : '''Six''': I told you not to get involved, Rex. You're not at full strength. : '''Rex''': What was I supposed to do-- Just leave it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six has a point, Rex. You're pushed to the edge lately. You can't see everyone. : '''Rex''': Not listening! Don't worry, dude. I'll have you out of here before you can say-- Circe?! : '''Circe''': Hey, Rex. Rex! Aaaah! : ''[Circe sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex! Rex, do you read? What's going on? Your bios are low. : '''Rex''': Leave her alone! You okay? : '''Circe''': I think so. We have to go. : '''Rex''': Think that's your cue. Hang on. I think I got it. Ow! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Hate this things. : '''Circe''': Try wearing one. : '''Rex''': I have. So, what happened? I thought Providence had you at Abysus. : '''Circe''': I got away. : '''Rex''': What about the Pack? : '''Circe''': The Pack? I-- Don't know. Things are bad out there, Rex. I've been on the run for weeks. Providence has been stepping up their capture orders. I think something big is going down. : '''Rex''': Tell me about it. Listen, I know we're gonna want to say no, but with everything that's going on... : '''Circe''': I should stay at the plant. It's safer, right? : '''Rex''': Wow, that was-- Easy. I had a whole speech and everything. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Well, everything checks out. You're the picture of health. I wish you'd let me do some more thorough scans, through. : '''Six''': How was it you said you got away? : '''Circe''': It's a long story. You guys have bigger things to worry about than me... like the Meta-Nanites. Did you get the one from Abysus? Have you found anymore? : '''Rex''': Ugh, who cares? Let's go do something fun. You want to put Bobo' hand in shaving cream? : ''[Circe yawns]'' : '''Circe''': Actually, Rex, I'm kind of tired. I thing I might just crash if that's cool. : '''Rex''': Oh... yeah. Stupid of me. You, uh, get some sleep. Hey, doc. What are you doing? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. I was just... working. What are you doing up? : '''Rex''': Ah, it's... stupid. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Yeah, probably. But... go ahead. : '''Rex''': I'm... excited. Since I got breached, everything's been so crazy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Since you got breached? Right. : '''Rex''': But with Circe back, I'm starting to think maybe things will turn out okay. : '''White Knight''': I need everyone in the situation room in five minutes. : '''Rex''': So much for that. : ''[Dr. Holiday yawns]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': What'd I miss? : '''Rex''': Wow, Doc. You sure got comfy quick. : '''White Knight''': Listen up, people. We need to retrieve a valuable asset before it falls into enemy hands. : '''Six''': What's the objective? : '''White Knight''': This man... Dr. Peter Meechum. : '''Rex''': That guy? I remember him. Van crazy kiddnaped his daughter. : '''White Knight''': Meechum spent the last year at a safehouse facility... Codename: Pandora's Box... location know only to me. : '''Rex''': Why all the cloak and dagger? : '''White Knight''': Because Meechum was one of the original scientists on the Nanite Project. He was given a panic button in case of emergency. Thirty minutes ago-- He activated it. : '''Six''': Providence? : '''White Knight''': We have to assume they're trying to assemble the original members of the Nanite Project. What Meechum knows is too valuable to fall into the wrong hands, so go get him. : '''Six''': Maybe Circe should stay here. : '''Rex''': What? Why? : '''Six''': She's not on the team yet-- Not officialy. : '''White Knight''': Take her. She'll be useful in the field. : '''Rex''': Ahem. You guys forget you key? Did you check under the mat? : '''Six''': Rex, focus on the mission. Get to Meechum! : '''Rex''': Relax, Six. I could take these guys in my sleep, especially with help from... Huh? Circe? Uh... Time-out? : '''Six''': Peter Meechum, you need to come with us. : ''[Dr. Meechum scoffs]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': Took you long enough. : '''Rex''': Time in. : '''White Knight''': Still no sign of Circe, Rex. We'll keep looking, but for right now, Meechum is our top priority. : '''Dr. Holiday''': We'll find her, Rex. Don't worry. : '''White Knight''': In the meantime, Dr. Meechum, I've checked, and your daughter is safe at her boarding school in England. : '''Dr. Meechum''': My daughter. Right. : '''White Knight''': We can make immediate arrangements to take you to her. : '''Dr. Meechum''': No, I'd rather stay with you if that's all right. It's, uh-- It's safer. : '''White Knight''': Of course. White Knight out. : '''Rex''': So, after that, Providence attacked Abysus to get the Master-Control Nanite. Guess you were next on their list. : '''Dr. Meechum''': I see. And all this happened in the last year? : '''Six''': You've missed a lot since you've been away, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Horrible. I could never work for a Providence like that. I have to say it's all very impressive. Providence has certainly done a lot in the last year. : '''Caesar''': And with your help, doctor, we can do more. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Where's White Knight? I should tell him I've arrived. : '''Black Knight''': I can answer that for you. It's good to have you back, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What happened to White? : '''Black Knight''': Just a routine change in command. Nothing to worry about. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Tell me you have my money ready. : '''Black Knight''': You get away you want when I get what I want... Not before. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Relax. : '''Six''': I'm a professional, aren't I? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six, see Meechum? I have some data I'd like to go over with him. Are you... okay? : '''Six''': Rebecca, I have something important to tell you. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Okay. Well... Thanks for tell me. : '''Six''': Rex, are you in here? I do not understand this show. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Am I interrupting? : '''Six''': Not at all. What can I do for you? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Nothing important. I just wanted to say... earlier... that was nice. Unexpected but nice. : '''Six''': Earlier? : '''Dr. Holiday''': In the lab? : '''Six''': I have no idea what you're talking about. : ''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' : '''Rex''': Six, I need to talk to you about Circe. Uh... Six? Earth to agent guy. You okay? : '''Six''': I'm fine. I've just decided not to waste any more time on you, Rex. : '''Rex''': Um... Is this because I accidentaly used your swords to slice a pizza? : '''Six''': It's because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to complete the mission. : '''Rex''': Ohh, I get it. This is one of your test, right? : '''Six''': No test. Just me coming to my senses. You're not strong enough to survive what's coming. In the end, you're gonna let us all down. : ''[Dr. Holiday crying]'' : '''Rex''': Doc? What's wrong? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' I-It's nothing, Rex. I didn't want you to see me like this. : '''Rex''': Well, what is it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' It's Six. I'm afraid of him. : '''Rex''': What?! That's crazy talk. : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' Is it? You have to have seen it. He's violent, on edge. He's losing control. : '''Rex''': Are we talking about the same Six? : '''Dr. Holiday''': We don't even known him. He was a killer, Rex. The old Six might have changed, but how do we know this Six didn't come back... Wrong? : ''[Dr. Meechum whistling]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': I have a question. How do you plan to re-create the project without a bio-interface expert? : '''Caesar''': Oh, but we do have one. : '''Van Kleiss''': No! The string doesn't work. Gordian knot, tied up tight. Alexander cheated. Can't cheat. Eyes on your own paper! Peter? No! Can't be! Different time, different me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Van Kleiss? You brought back that monster? : '''Caesar''': Of course. He was the original interface programmer. Who better? : '''Dr. Meechum''': Excuse me a moment. White, what the heck is going on?! : '''White Knight''': Peter? Where are you? : '''Dr. Meechum''': I'm at Providence. Where are you? : '''White Knight''': Providence. But that's not-- I have to go. We have a problem. : '''Rex''': You're darn right we have a problem, because this isn't Peter Meechum! : ''[Dr. Meechum laughing maniacally]'' : '''Scarecrow''': Heya, Rex. Miss me? : '''Rex''': Who are you? Where's Meechum? : '''White Knight''': His name's John Scarecrow. He's an EVO, specialist in infiltration. Black Knight played us. : '''Scarecrow''': You really don't remember me, Rex? I'll give you a hint. We used to share a stomping ground. We had a problem with a shapes hifter once. : '''Rex''': You were in Hong Kong. : '''Scarecrow''': Give the man a prize. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Six''': I think he went that way. : '''Rex''': Wait a minute. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Rex''': I cannot believe I fell for that. : '''Scarecrow''': Look at you. You're ridiculous. You think he'll come to his senses, realize his true feelings? Then what? You'll settle down. White picket fence. Little agent kids. You're fooling yourself. You're the worst of them... you know that?... Because you know better. You really think you can save the world? None of you can survive what's coming! : '''Rex''': Prove it's really you. What's my favorite color? : '''Six''': I have no idea. : '''Rex''': It's you, all right. : ''[Dr. Holiday screaming]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Put it away. I'm not the EVO. : '''Six''': We heard you scream. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That wasn't me. : '''Six''': Let's all calm down. We can figure this out. : '''Rex''': Why, Six? Because I'm weak? You don't think I can handle this? : '''Six''': I never said that. : '''Rex''': But you think it, right? I don't see you putting down your guns, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday''': I know it's not me. I'm not sure about you two. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Scarecrow''': So easy. I barely had to nudge you. : '''Rex''': Whatever you're after, you're not getting away with it. : '''Scarecrow''': Get away with it?! Re-e-e-x, I got what I needed in the first five minutes. : '''Rex''': Then why? Why do all this? : '''Scarecrow''': Simple. I wanted to do to you what you did to me. : '''Rex''': I'm done with you! : ''[Scarecrow groans]'' : '''Scarecrow''': The big hero. Why do you get to forget? It's not fair! : '''Rex''': Whine, whine, whine. What... you didn't get enough crazy hugs as a kid? : '''Scarecrow''': You think I'm the only one you hurt? Then tell me-- : '''Skwydd''': What about us? Why'd you betray me? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Circe:''' You promised to protect me, Rex. Where were you? : '''Rex:''' Stop it! : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex breathing heavily]'' : '''Caesar''': Face it, bro. It's why I left you. Mom and dad, too. : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': You're your own worst enemy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That's for Rex. That's for Providence. And that was for the kiss. : '''White Knight''': Providence won this round. No question. : '''Rex''': They have the real Meechum. Maybe more. : '''Dr. Holiday''': There's no telling how much of our system Scarecrow uploaded. : '''Six''': But we have to assume they know everything we do. : ''[Scarecrow laughs evilly]'' : '''White Knight''': Black Knight is coming for us. It's just a matter of time. : '''Dr. Holiday''': So? I mean, we knew that. Nothing's changed, right? : '''Six''': Rex, this is what they wanted-- To turn us against each other. : '''Rex''': Yeah, and look how easy it was. We thought we were a team, but we're not. We're vulnerable. : '''Van Kleiss''': It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Looking past Occam's Razor, we can clearly see to a quantum level. A quantum level is what I'm trying to achieve, because if I didn't do the quantum level, then I can understand what's happening. : '''Caesar''': I know you don't like this, but it's not about us. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Can you do it? Can you control him? : '''Caesar''': Leave Van Kleiss to me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What about Black Knight? I don't like her, Salazar. Never did. : '''Caesar''': Trust me, Peter-- When we're finished, the end will justify the means. ===Hermanos=== :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-OA! Unh! Ugh! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Agent Six''': Be careful, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm touched by your concern, Six. :'''Agent Six''': It's not for you. We don't have Providence to pick up the tab anymore. You break it, you buy it. :''[Rex growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm saving the day here. What are they gonna do--Sue me? Oh, come on! It was a rhetorical question! What was I supposed to do? The whole building was made of glass! :'''Lawyer''': ''[Hispanic accent]'' Glass? What are you talking about? :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm... not talking about anything. What are you talking about? :'''Lawyer''': Mr. Salazar, I'm an associate at the stateside branch of the Argentinean firm Gomez and Gomez. And today, sir, is your lucky day! :'''Rex Salazar''': What's this? :'''Lawyer''': It's yours! :'''Noah Nixon''': No away! This is your house? :'''Rex Salazar''': I know! According to the lawyer guy, this rancho in Argentina's been in my family forever. And ever since my parents died in the event, those lawyers have been trying to track down the heir. And guess who that is. :'''Noah Nixon''': You and your brother? :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, yeah, right. Him too. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': Dude, it's never a good time, but you go to-- O...kay, so maybe this really isn't a good time, but this is important. I was being chased by a lawyer. No, I wasn't being sued this time. But you'll never guess what he-- :'''Caesar Salazar''': Is this about the rancho? :'''Rex Salazar''': You know about it? :'''Caesar Salazar''': Those lawyers have left me a dozen messages. :'''Rex Salazar''': And you didn't tell me? Caesar, I never even knew we had this place! There might be photo albums, home movies-- I don't know-- maybe even an old teddy bear or something. :'''Caesar Salazar''': You never had a teddy bear. :'''Rex Salazar''': See, the fact that you know that and I don't-- that's why we need to go down there. :'''Lawyer''': Clear! :'''Caesar Salazar''': I can't, Rex. My work's already been interrupted once today. Although... Now that you mention the ranch, it does bring back some memories. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? Like what? :'''Caesar Salazar''': There was an experiment I remember mom and dad running. If you could find the notes, it might save some time on the work I'm doing now. :'''Rex Salazar''': Notes? Come on. Isn't family more important than-- Guess not. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Why can't I have a normal brother? Know anything about cows? Thanks for coming with me. This is really a family thing, but my brother is, well-- My brother. :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you kidding? I'm psyched! I've been killing myself trying to find a birthday present for Claire. A vacation at my best friend's awesome ancestral estate? What other guy could offer her that? :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, but then why bring Annie? :'''Annie''': Um, this just kind of broke off. :''[Annie, Claire and Noah screaming]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': AAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I sure hope this isn't included in Six's "You break it, you buy it" policy. :'''Annie''': Sorry. :'''Rex Salazar''': No problem. We're here. :'''Claire Bowman''': Are... you sure this is the place? :'''Noah Nixon''': What happened to it? :'''Annie''': Hey, don't look at me. I just got there. :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Annie''': Okay, that was me. :'''Rex Salazar''': I guess this must be my... family. :'''Claire Bowman''': Looks like you-- But with a 'stache. :'''Annie''': I like you with a 'stache. :'''Claire Bowman''': Hey, there are chickens in here! :'''Annie''': And llamas! :'''Noah Nixon''': Chicken, llamas-- And a funny-looking bull. :''[Chiquito snorts]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I-I-I take it back! You're not funny-looking! :'''Chiquito''': This place is Durango's! :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, actually-- :'''Chuquito''': No fancy talk! Just go! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Okay, number one, how is "actually" fancy talk! Number two, I don't know who Durango is, but this farm isn't his. And number three-- :''[Chiquito grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Ugh! All right, there's no misunderstanding the international language of getting punched in the face. So read my fist-- Get out of my house! :'''Chiquito''': Durango will not be happy! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, don't know who that guy was, but problem solved. :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh, you think? Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Calmate, Chiquito. You are my brother. I would not do anything to hurt mi hermano. Unless you force me to. I cannot lose that tract of land. Without its right of way, I will lose my claim on the rest of the county. But never mind. They will learn-- When you mess with the bull, you get the horns. :'''Rex Salazar''': OHHH! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': A chicken just tried to poop on my shoe! :'''Rex Salazar''': I think I can top you there. :'''Noah Nixon''': No offense, but when I asked Claire to come here, this wasn't what I was hoping for. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, me either. I mean, I was thinking I'd find-- I don't know what. But everything in this place has been smashed or stolen. Maybe this whole family thing isn't for me. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': That's the one! :'''Claire Bowman''': Please, Noah. It just needed a little help laying an egg. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[Chuckling]'' What, did you grow up on a farm in Kansas? :'''Claire Bowman''': An apartment in Chicago-- Which is where I learned to download videos onto my phone. :'''Telephone Voice''': When caring for an egg bearing hen, remember to-- :'''Muchado''': Hola? Quien esta aquí? :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh... hello? :'''Muchado''': So, you are the Americans? I am Señor Muchado-- The juez. :'''Claire Bowman''': That's like a judge? :'''Muchado''': Sí. For all intents and purposes, I am the law in this county-- Which is why I have come here with him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Good, because I definitely want to press charges. :'''Muchado''': You misunderstand. I am here because of the trouble you caused for Chiquito. :'''Rex Salazar''': Chiquito? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Your mom must have some sense of humor to name you "Tiny". :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Muchado''': Chiquito's brother is Señor Durango. He controls most of the land in this county, including this hacienda. At Señor Durango's request, I have prepared a legal order compelling you to vacate. :'''Claire Bowman''': But this is Rex's farm. :'''Annie''': Yeah, he's got a deed and everything. :'''Muchado''': This might have some bearing-- If you were a Salazar. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, we're in luck. I am. :'''Annie''': Maybe this will help. :'''Muchado''': You may be a Salazar, but by our law, this land has been deemed abandoned, and Señor Durango has claimed it. :'''Rex Salazar''': Sorry. Been sort of busy saving the world and stuff. But I'm here now, so consider his claim unclaimed, then reclaimed by me. :'''Muchado''': It is not so simple. You would have to demonstrate you are actively maintaining the ranch. That means shearing and feeding the animals, bringing your bulls to market-- :'''Rex Salazar''': To market? What, like a... cattle drive? :'''Claire Bowman''': No problem. We can totally figure out how to do that. :'''Muchado''': A ranch this size requires at least a dozen hired men. :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, just... uh... :'''Muchado''': No one within 100 kilometers will help you cross Señor Durango. If you do this, you will do it alone. And you will fail. :'''Claire Bowman''': Well, that guy was kind of a jerk. :'''Annie''': Yeah. So, let's get to work. :'''Noah Nixon''': How? Everything here is broken. :'''Annie''': Uh, have you seen my house? :'''Rex Salazar''': You guys don't have to do this. :'''Claire Bowman''': What kind of friend would walk away now? :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh... yeah! No way you could stop me from helping take care of these totally not-gross animals. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, I'm smiling like that's what I mean, aren't? :''[Noah exhales deeply]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I can do this! I can't do this. Until I've done my milking warm-up. :'''Claire Bowman''': Ugh. Hold this. :'''Telephone Voice''': With you head resting on her flank, gently grasp the udder with the palm of your hand. :'''Noah Nixon''': AAH! :''[Claire giggles]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': I think she likes you. :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': This is your home. Get in your home! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Whoa! AAAH! AAH! Ugh! This is hopeless! This farm only has one bull, and I can't even get it into the barn. And this... better just be mud. :'''Annie''': Hang on! I'll help you! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No! Don't! :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you guys okay? :'''Claire Bowman''': What is it? A storm cellar? :'''Noah Nixon''': Looks like some kind of lab. :'''Rex Salazar''': Figures. My mom and dad were Caesar's parents, too. Of course they'd find a way to take work home with them. Probably where those notes Caesar wanted are. Might as well grab them before the judge kicks us out. :'''Claire Bowman''': What's he talking about? I think we're doing a pretty good job taking care of the-- :'''Annie''': Uh, guys-- :''[Claire grunts]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Wait-- Donkeys eat hay, don't they? Maybe we can use it to lure them back into the barn. :'''Annie''': I got it! Ugh! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, on the plus side, at least we now know for sure that donkeys do eat hay. :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day, these things are going to change the world, and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': ''[chuckling]'' Caesar, please, mi hijo. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay! Okay! :''[Claire sniffs]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': What's that smell? :'''Noah Nixon''': Which one? Everything here smells. :'''Claire Bowman''': No, it smells like... smoke! :'''Annie''': Rex! The straw caught on fire, and it exploded! :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Chiquito''': Hermano! No! Oomph! :'''Senior Durango''': What were you thinking? I told you to smoke them out, not burn the land! This is my land! If you weren't my brother-- :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Senior Durango''': But you are. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, you must be the brother. Hope I'm not interrupting some kind of weird tender moment. :'''Senior Durango''': Soy Durango. And I hope there is still a chance we can reach a resonable agreement. :'''Claire Bowman''': So, then you'll let Rex keep the farm? We played by the rules. :'''Senior Durango''': Around here, I make the rules. :'''Annie''': But the judge said-- :'''Senior Durango''': The judge works for me. Now, please, I'm giving you one last chance to leave. :'''Noah Nixon''': Okay, sure! Oh, wait-- That's right. Your fire blew up what was left of our plane! :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh, let me handle the trash-talking with the 20-foot-tall monster EVO, okay? Leave them out of this! They shouldn't even be here! It should have been my brother! :'''Senior Durango''': That is why you will lose your farm. Without family, a man is nothing. After all, what is this land to them? :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't even know what this place is to me. I came here hoping to find out more about who my family is. :''[Rex start looking at Noah, Claire and Annie, and smile to them]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': And I did. So, you're going to stop threatening them-- And me-- And get off my land. :''[Durango snarls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay. Here's the plan-- Stay behind me! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, there goes that plan. :'''Senior Durango''': Hurt them. You can do that, can't you? :'''Claire Bowman''': W-what do we do now?! :'''Annie''': The only one of us with powers just got kicked to the curb. :'''Noah Nixon''': That depends on what you mean by "powers". :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex muffled grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Not a good time, Caesar. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just wanted to tell you-- Forget about those notes. I realized that's not what's important about you going down there. :''[Durango snarls]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wow, Caesar. I can't believe you came around. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just realized-- The really important thing is, if you happen to find a termo-chronometer I remember having down there, it would save me from ordering one. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito growls]'' :''[Chiquito snarls, roars]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Chiquito snorts]'' <hr width80%> :[''On videotape of the Salazar family]'' :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day these things are going to change the world and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': Cesar, please miquito. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay, okay. <hr width80%> :'''Noah Nixon''': This morning, I almost had to touch a cow's underparts. You think you can do me worse than that? Bring it. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito roars]'' :'''Annie''': Ugh! I didn't mean for that to happen. :'''Claire Bowman''': We did. :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ugh! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! :'''Senior Durango''': OOMPH! :''[Durango lows]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-O-O-O O-OA! :''[Durango lows]'' :''[Durango snorts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Durango growls]'' :''[Durango growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Trust me-- My brother's let me down way worse. But what am I gonna do? He's my brother. :'''Senior Durango''': It is over. :'''Rex Salazar''': Nice ego there, but I've been hit a lot harder. :''[Durango spits]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Those bells signal the market is ending soon. I can see you have yet to herd you cattle there. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, come on! The one cattle I've got doesn't even move! :'''Senior Durango''': If you do not have your cattle to market before it ends, you will have failed to fulfill your deed, and this land will be mine. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then I guess I don't have any time to waste talking about it. :'''Claire Bowman''': Come on. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': Forget it. I got this. :'''Claire Bowman''': WHOO-HOO! Yes! Go, Rex! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Where's Durango? :'''Rex Salazar''': OWW! Come on! You don't move the whole time, and you can't stay still? :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': What is this, a western? You're actually trying to stop him with a rockslide? :'''Senior Durango''': You? Here? How is that even possible? :'''Telephone Voice''': Donkeys can be ridden surprinsingly fast if you-- :'''Noah Nixon''': Come on! Just give up! The farm belong to Rex. And I really want to get off this thing. :'''Senior Durango''': You think I'm afraid of you ''[scoffs]'' boy? :'''Claire Bowman''': Oh, it's not the boy you should be afraid of. :'''Annie''': Oops. :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Ugh! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': We sheared the llamas, we milked the cows, I got the bull to town. We did everything in the deed. :'''Muchado''': Sí, sí. But more important, you faced Durango and won! Once the other ranchers hear of this, they won't be afraid. You have broken Durango's hold on our lands. :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait-- You're... happy about that? :'''Muchado''': Of course. I told you exactly what you had to do to legally gain control of the land, didn't I? :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh. I guess you did. :'''Claire Bowman''': Wow! Can you believe how you perfect this all worked out? :'''Noah Nixon''': Yeah, uh, so, maybe we should get out of here before we wear out our welcome. :'''Rex Salazar''': There's just one thing I want to do first. ===The Rescue=== :''Note'': Rex goes alone to rescue his girlfriend Circe from the clutches of Black Knight. but it turns out she has been waiting for him. <hr width80%> ===Alone Together=== :''Note'': Finally together at last, Rex and Circe reminiscence about their good and hard times together ans their romance begins to grow. ===Retribution=== ===Temporary Insanity=== ===Crime and Punishment=== :''Note:'' His false insanity revealed, Van Kleiss abducts Circe with the intent of punishing her for betraying him, due to her enduring love for Rex. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, Circe, you shall learn the ultimate price of betraying me. :'''Rex:''' ''Leave her alone!!'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, Rex. For young love. One of your greatest weaknesses. After I finish off your beloved, you will no longer be a hindrance to me. :'''Rex''' (''enraged'')''':''' I ''said''...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! <hr width80%> ===Shadowed Past=== ===Separation Anxiety=== ===Brotherly Love=== ===Rocky My World=== :'''Beverly:''' Oh, this is so awesome! We're seeing the Trendbenders live! :'''Rex:''' Well, maybe not see them, but we'll totally hear them. :'''Sebastian''': Attention! The Trendbenders will be arriving through the back of the club. :'''Beverly:''' Slick trick! Yes, Rebecca. I know! Only drink the bottled water. No, we're not that close to the stage. Ugh! I know that's where they mosh-pit. Don't worry! Bye! :'''Rex:''' Your sister is acting like your mother. I wouldn't put up with it. Doc?! I'm right next to her! Yes, we've got earplugs. Only bottled water-- I know! Yes, you'll pick us up at 11:00. Okay! Bye! :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' I met a guy who has looking for a lucky break. I met a guy mad he wouldn't make a mistake. No loser here the weight would be upon his face. This ain't no lucky break it's just another day. :'''Beverly:''' Hey! :'''Rex:''' There's something wrong with that guy. :'''Beverly:''' Yeah! It's called lack of social skills. :'''Sebastian:''' We have to talk! You got to listen to me! :'''Rex:''' I think they're a little too busy for a chat right now. :'''Sebastian:''' It's me! Your first fan! :'''Rex:''' Come on, dude. Can't you just watch the show, like everyone else? :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' You won't bring me down. Yeah-yeah-yeah. You won't bring me down. :'''Sebastian:''' I'm not just everyone else. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' You want to rethink trying to stop me? :'''Beverly:''' Whoa! Geek in triplicate! :'''Rex:''' More like EVO geek. :'''Sebastian:''' I bet you're not even a real fan! :'''Rex:''' Hey, I know their music! :'''Sebastian:''' Yeah? What album is "Bitten on the Wind" from? :'''Beverly:''' Uh, their first album. :'''Sebastian:''' Wrong! Their third! Poser! :'''Sly:''' Here's one from our first album-- "Bitten on the Wind." :'''Beverly:''' Told ya! Their first album! Who's the poser now? :'''Sebastian:''' But it is their third. They keep denying their first two albums exist! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :''[Rex bones cracking]'' :'''Rex:''' Shouldn't you be home, making sure your mom isn't snooping around your basement? Ouch! All right, I've had enough. :'''Sebastian:''' I know you. You're that guy from Providence that beats up on EVOs. :'''Rex:''' And I'm guessing you're not one of my fans. :'''Sebastian:''' This isn't over! They still need me to show them the way back. I'll make them listen to me.. No matter what! Ugh! :'''Man:''' No re-entry without a hand stamp. :'''Rex:''' Uh, but-- :'''JoJo:''' It's okay. He's with me. I'm JoJo, the band's manager. :'''Beverly:''' Oh! Sly Tyler, vocals, six-stringer. Burrito Beau on the big bottom, and Leon Adler on the skins. :'''Beau:''' Bass. Drums. :'''Beverly:''' They're even cutter up close! :'''JoJo:''' But Sebastian isn't. And now that fruitcake fan has become a major menace. :'''Rex:''' You know who that guy is? :'''Sly:''' Yeah, he's one of our first fans from way back. :'''Leon:''' But he didn't like our change in music direction. :'''Beau:''' Change, like in popular. :'''Sly:''' So he started sending us nasty e-mails and slagging us on the fan sites. :'''JoJo:''' But now he's turned violent, and it turns out he's... H-he's... :'''Rex:''' An EVO that can multiply himself. :'''JoJo:''' We can't handle that kind of threat, but you can. :'''Beverly:''' Is this a job offer? :'''JoJo:''' As head of security for the rest of the tour. :'''Rex:''' Huh, I don't know. Putting up with groupies, great music, catering, the Rock'n'roll lifestyle-- Oh, right, like I'm not totally in for this! :'''Beverly:''' And I'm your deputy, sheriff. :'''Sly:''' Absolutely. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Absolutely not. :'''Rex:''' They've got an EVO threat. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Fine, Rex. Beverly? And don't forget to use earplugs. :'''Rex:''' Private jet to the next gig? Airline-- First class? Coach? :'''JoJo:''' Of the road kind. :'''Rex:''' Traveling the open road, bringing music to the people. Where to next? :'''Beau:''' Eugene, Oregon. ''[Unenthusiastically]'' WHOO-HOO! :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Leon:''' Bad seat. Got a lot of them. :''[Beau farts]'' :''[Rex sniffs]'' :'''Leon and Rex:''' Oh! :''[Leon coughs]'' :'''Leon:''' Isn't the ozone layer depleted enough, Beau? :'''Rex:''' Want to hit the streets and check out the local scene? :'''Sly:''' Seriously, man? It's just another town. :'''Beau:''' Been there. Seen them all. :'''TV Announcer:''' He's currently under 3, 2 behind the leader. This is a very tricky-- :'''Rex:''' Oh, let's throw this in the pool! :'''Leon:''' Hey, I'm watching something, dude! :'''Rex:''' How about a food fight? :'''Sly:''' Sorry, man. Not feeling it. :'''Rex:''' This isn't feeling very Rock'n'Roll. :'''JoJo:''' Rex, we hired you to consult on security, not rock-tour clichés. :'''Sebastian:''' Room service. :'''JoJo:''' Again? You guys, this is costing too much. :'''Sly:''' But we didn't order anything else. :'''Sebastian:''' That's okay. This is on the house! :''[Sebastian grunts]'' :''[JoJo gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Look out! He's got... Paperwork? :'''Sebastian:''' I've got notes and visuals on where you've gone commercial and how you can get back to your roots! He's with the band now? He's not even a real fan! You see? You've got to come with me. You need my help! :'''Rex:''' They're not going anywhere, but you are! :'''Sebastian:''' My copies don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But you do! :'''Girl:''' Whoa! You must really be a big fan! :'''Sebastian:''' Only of their early stuff. :'''Girl:''' Eww! Their early stuff is weak. :'''Teen girl:''' But their new songs are awesome! :''[Girls giggling]'' :''[Sebastian growls]'' :''[Girls screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. I'm with the band. :'''Teen girl:''' But you missed your ride. :'''Rex:''' That's okay. I've got my own. :'''Man:''' Rock bands! Never again! :'''Sebastian:''' I've got to take you away from this sellout existence, where you deny your first two albums even exist. :'''Sly:''' B-but those albums weren't any good. That's why we only had a few fans, like you. :'''Rex:''' If there's only three of them, then who's driving the car? :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Did he... Ah! Rent that car from the circus? Time to cut this act short. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' Oh, man. I went to my first Trendbenders show in that car. :'''Rex:''' Maybe I can't turn off your obsession, but I can shut down your nanites. :'''Beau:''' That clone-boy? :'''Rex:''' I don't think he's going to be a problem now. :'''JoJo:''' We can still use you on the tour. What did you say? :'''Rex:''' Yes! :'''Sly:''' Good man! ''[singing]'' You see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", kill your radio, you live a life for all to see, sometimes it's right, sometimes obscene, now you're the enemy, it's one for all and all for me, unlocking doors and misery, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, it isn't all, that it's cracked up to be, I never thought it'd be so easy, I wouldn't have it any other way, you see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah". :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Sly:''' At least we got a day off before the next gig. :'''JoJo:''' Guys, a club owner in fleeceburg just offered us amazing money. I booked it. :'''Rex:''' For when? :'''JoJo:''' We're already running late. :'''Sly:''' They're paying money for us to play in this dump? :'''JoJo:''' Big money. Come on. You're on in ten minutes. :'''Rex:''' I'm guessing ticket sales are a little slow. :'''Leon:''' Are we breaking up? :'''Beau:''' This dive seems awfully familiar. :'''Sebastian:''' It should. :'''Rex:''' That voice seems awfully familiar! :'''Teens:''' Dude! Nobody move! What's going on? Who's touching me? What is this? Excuse me. What is going on? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I built an exact replica of the first club you played in. :'''Beau:''' Hey, that's one of my puke stains. Fruitcake knows his details. :'''Rex:''' But I cured you. :'''Sebastian:''' Hmm... That was a copy, not the original. :'''Sly:''' Whatever. When's this gonna end, fan-boy? :'''Sebastian:''' It ends tonight. Check the floor at your feet. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I've given up trying to get you back to your roots. So now you'll play what I want to hear for the next hour. And then your career ends with a bang. :'''Sly:''' On behalf of the band, I'd like to thank our manager, JoJo, for booking this totally insane gig! :''[JoJo laughs nervously]'' :'''Sebastian:''' The sound of cold, hard cash is the only music sellouts like you listen to anymore. :'''Rex:''' They're not sellouts. They just got more popular than you wanted. :'''Sebastian:''' You try anything, and I'll end their last gig prematurely. You're only alive because I want you to see what the Trendbenders used to be like. For the next hour give me the early stuff, when you were cool. :'''Sly:''' Why bother? You're gonna nuke us, anyway. :'''Sebastian:''' Because if you don't play, this happens! :'''Sly:''' Aah! :'''Leon, Sly and Beau:''' No more! :'''Sly:''' Okay, dude, what's the first number? :'''Sebastian:''' "Crawling undertow"! :'''Sly:''' Well, how does it feel? :'''Sebastian:''' First album, seventh song. Fifth song on the Japanese import. :'''Sly:''' To get that weight back on our shoulders-- :'''Sebastian:''' You're giving it a beat that wasn't in the original, man! Not even in the remix from the box set. Play it right this time! I'm missing the concert because of you! :'''Rex:''' Stinks to be you. Got to cure the real Sebastian. But which one is the mother ship? :'''Sebastian:''' You can't even play your old songs like you used to. Total disappointment. Let's end this bummer concert. :'''Sly:''' But we still have over a half-hour left! :'''Sebastian:''' Last song, no encore. :'''Rex:''' Tell me who's the original, or I'll turn you into dessert topping! :'''Sebastian:''' You don't scare me. I don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But the real Sebastian does. Sly! Maximum feedback! Now! Thanks, Doc. :'''Sebastian''': AAAHHHH! :'''Rex:''' How do you like their new hit, Sebastian Prime? Here's another new groove you're not going to like. :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Congrats. You're back to being a solo act. :'''Sebastian:''' You've got to listen to me! :''[Sebastian yelling]'' :'''Rex:''' Kidnapping, assault and battery, construction without a permit-- that should keep him away for years. :'''JoJo:''' Have to say it, guys, but we've got a gig in toledo to get to. Security? :'''Rex:''' Not anymore. Sebastian's done, and so am I. :'''Sly:''' Dude, I thought you wanted the rock'n'roll lifestyle. :'''Rex:''' I'm not tough enough for it. I need to get back to something easier, like city-smashing EVOs and conspiracies to take over the world. :'''Beau:''' Don't know what your missing. :'''Rex:''' I think do. But I don't miss this. Yes, doc? Don't need my earplugs anymore. I quit. Will you let me tell you? No, the EVO threat wasn't just an excuse. Well, I'm coming back! Will you let-- Doc! ===Lost and Found=== ===My Brother's Keeper=== ===Target: the Consortium=== : '''Jungle Cat:''' You are...? : '''Rex:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. What are you? : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : '''Rex:''' HUNH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex gasps deeply]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. That was a total zero on the fun meter. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Learning how to communicate with the nanite world isn't about fun. Did you get anywhere at all? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. I connected with a Master Control Nanite for a second, and then I lost it. But I also got, like, this feeling that something's about to happen in the nanite world. Something... big. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Argh! This is Rylander's speciality, not mine. There's no way I can cover for him. : '''Caesar:''' Not to worry, Dr. Meechum. You won't have to any longer. Dr. Rylander will take over from here. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Oh, really, Caesar? From his current location of beyond the grave? : '''Rylander:''' Actually, Peter, I was never completely dead-- just spread a little thin-- ''[chuckling]'' Moleculary speaking. Caesar's been working on putting me back together. : '''Black Knight:''' All of them together-- At last. Contact the Consortium. We now have something to show them. Something big. : '''White Knight:''' Even having two of the Master Control Nanites doesn't change the vital importance of finding the other three. But the latest intel I've received could give us a way to neutralize the group obsessed with these machines. : '''Six:''' The Consortium. : '''Rex:''' Aren't those the money guys that bankrolled the Nanite Project in Providence? : '''White Knight:''' The same. Formerly made-up of six members, but now five-- Reddick, made his wealth in real estate and construction. Vostock, black market finance and KGB... Zanubian, arms dealing and shipping. Roswell, oil and minerals. Anthony Haden-Scott, worldwide media. : ''[Rex munches]'' : '''Rex:''' Should we be writing this down for the pop quiz later? : '''White Knight:''' You may be facing them soon because of the efforts of our stealthiest agent. : '''Rex:''' Mm! Thank you! I think. : '''Jungle Cat:''' He's not talking about you. : '''Rex:''' Hey! It's Evo-cat guy! Uh... sorry-- What's your name? O...kay, cat with no collar, what's in the sack? Bunch of canaries? Well, that's... something. : '''White Knight:''' Our associate has been tracking the Consortium with a little help from a former member. : '''Rex:''' I remember him! He's the one Rylander got revenge on with an EVO love letter. : '''Jungle Cat:''' That he never recovered from. But he's still full of useful knowledge about the other members. : '''Rex:''' As long as you have a towel handy for the answers. : '''Jungle Cat:''' The Consortium has financed a new facility for nanite research. All of them will be at that location within the next six hours. : '''Six:''' And so will we. : '''White Knight:''' A rare opportunity like this can't be missed. You three will capture the Consortium and bring them to a secure location. Understood? : '''Rex:''' Purrfectly. : '''Black Knight:''' Gentlemen, I wanted you here today to-- : '''Reddick:''' "Wanted?" Sounds like a command. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You get to ask, not order. : '''Black Knight:''' I'm sorry. Let me restate. I asked you here because I can now present some major developments in your quest. I finished construction on the nanite reactor and reassembled against all odds the original science team to run it. Doctors Meechum, systems expert. Salazar, artificial intelligence. Rylander, microengineering. And Van Kleiss, biomechanical integration. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Nanite's recorder locked in. Hologram Rylander saves money on meals. Glow, glow, glow, yipper. : ''[Van Kleiss smooches]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' A human flashlight and a brain-fried babbler. This is what I'm supposed to work with. : '''Vostok:''' Looks like your geniuses have some issues. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' ''[British accent]'' I seem to recall there were two other Salazars on the team. : '''Black Knight:''' They're dead-- And just as well. Considering their actions are responsible for our setbacks, I highly doubt they would have cooperated. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Black Pawns:''' Ohh! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Black Pawns got to talk to their costume designer. Way too stuffy. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Be quiet. : '''Six:''' Our target? : '''Roswell:''' ''[Southern accent]'' Little lady, I'm hoping you didn't get me out here just to watch some lab jockeys do their homework. : '''Vostok:''' I know I've got better things to do. : '''Black Knight:''' Aside from the all-important reassembly of the science team and activation of the nanite reactor, I do have another development to show you. : '''Roswell:''' Yeah? What else you got? : '''Black Knight:''' An acquisition. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' What's wrong with you? : '''Rex:''' Forget the Consortium! I know where we can find a Master-Control Nanite. : '''Six:''' Where? : '''Rex''': Here. : '''Six:''' We're doing both. You two get the nanite, I'll get the Consortium. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' On of the five? That's all? : '''Reddick:''' You know we need all of the Master-Control Nanites to do us any good. : '''Vostok:''' What about the two you lost? And the other two still out there? : '''Black Knight:''' We'll have the other four in due time. Take this back to the vault. But remember that each one has its own useful powers. : '''Roswell:''' Not enough to drag me all the way out there, little lady. : '''Black Knight:''' "Black Knight". : '''Black Pawns:''' You're not one of us. : '''Six:''' Stay clear of the Pawns. They're not buying our cover. Repeat-- Stay clear of the Pawns. : '''Rex:''' Steel door. A vault! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' That was close. : '''Rex:''' Got it. Have to be as stealthy as you from now on. : ''[Jungle Catsnarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Van Kleiss! : ''[Jungle Cat muffled grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Way not to be stealthy. Sorry, cat guy. I know you want payback for him turning you into stone and all, but the nanite is more important. : '''Black Pawns:''' Security alert. Intruder. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' You find the nanite. I'll be a diversion. <hr width80%> : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' She has shown us some progress. That one nanite is significant in itself. : '''Reddick:''' It's all five or nothing. Or are you thinking of working a separate deal with the one? : '''Vostok:''' Can we please not talk like this while those two are in the room? : '''Roswell:''' Yeah, Xanubian, put a sock in all your yammerin'. : '''Black Pawns:''' Another intruder at security zone three. It's Agent Six. : '''Rex:''' Gotcha. : '''Black Pawns:''' Unh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' I'll take that. Six! I've got the nanite! : '''Six:''' Meet your outside. : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' I've got it! Let's scat, cat! : '''Black Knight:''' If he's here-- So is Rex. Vault security, come in. : '''Reddick:''' Is there a problem? : '''Black Knight:''' A minor security issue. I'm taking care of it. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You better, little lady. : '''Rex:''' Well, mission half accomplished. : '''Six:''' This should complete it. : '''Rex:''' You planted a bomb?! : '''Six:''' Plan "B". : '''Rex:''' The cat! He's still inside! No!! We've got to go back for the cat! He's on his own mission. Van Kleiss is there. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Black Pawns:''' Black Knight, shouldn't we evacuate? : '''Black Knight:''' The security threat has been removed. Among other things. Track them, find them. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Interlace template, instal copper buffers, hold the mayo, set core temp, heat cold fries. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Remember me? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Someone let the cat in. : '''Jungle Cat:''' You cast me aside as if I was garbage. Turned me to stone. Drained me of life-- Almost. Now it's your turn to suffer. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Had a kitty once. Not you. Bubbles liked catnip and parsnips. Chapped lips. Hip, hip, hooray! : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're here to clean up, ask for directions, not Dr. Screwloose. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Meechum. Bro. He's here to put Van Kleiss out of the world's misery. Give me a reason why he shouldn't. : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Rylander:''' Because the world needs him right now, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander! How did you-- : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' You got it to work. : '''Rylander:''' I've looked better, I'll admit, but I'm still very much alive. And so happy to see you again. : '''Rex:''' If you could bring him back-- : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. It won't work for mom and dad. : '''Rex:''' So, you've come back-- But you're working for them! It seems crazy, I know, but look at our progress-- The nanite reactor is almost operational. : '''Rex:''' Not if I destroy it. : '''Black Knight:''' Surround them. : '''Caesar:''' Trust me, hermano, We're doing the right thing. : '''Rex:''' You keep saying that, but I don't believe it anymore! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Bubbles, I'm sorry. Here, kitty, kitty. Left you out in the rain, rain go away-- : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! Easy on the hot sauce, Peter, Peter pumpkin two seater. : '''Rylander:''' Tell him, Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Tell me what? : '''Six:''' Revenge time is up. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat roars]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Aah! Careful! Our work! Ugh! Take it outside! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. : '''Rex:''' I can't talk now! Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Thank you. : '''Rex:''' You're so not welcome. : '''Black Knight:''' You should have left when you had the chance. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You guys have such a great cafeteria. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Had to come back for more. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Unh! : '''Six:''' Unh! : ''[Black Knight grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Six:''' UNNNNNNNNH! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' Let's say adiós. : '''Six:''' There's still plan "B". : '''Rex:''' We're not assassins. : '''Six:''' You're not. This might be our one chance. : '''Rex:''' To be like them? Then what makes us different? : '''Six:''' Go. I'm right behind you. : '''Roswell:''' You brought us into an ambush! Right behind you, Mr. Chatterbox. : '''Vostok:''' You are cowards. : '''Reddick:''' Graveyards are full of dummies that thought they were though. : '''Vostok:''' Black Knight, we have a lot to discuss about your future. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, let's talk. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Where's Six? : '''Rex:''' He said he was right behind us. : '''Six:''' I am. The Consortium still has to be dealt with. : '''Rex:''' We now have three Master Control Nanites. I'd say the Consortium has to deal with us. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Purrfectly. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I'm shocked. What happened? : '''Black Knight:''' It seems Vostok had an unfortunate run-in with our intruders as he was leaving. But, there's good news. The reactor is gone. Soon we will have all the nanites we need. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' I think it's time we walked about my promotion. ===Convergence=== ===Enter the Nanite World=== ===Enemies Mine=== : '''Valve:''' Battle is to be waged between your courage and my power. You lose. : '''Gatlocke:''' Valve, my friend. Lovely day for a riot, don't you think? : '''Valve:''' What do you want, Gatlocke? : '''Gatlocke:''' I want lots of things-- A doomsday weapon, my own private island, for my mom to stop calling me to fix her computer. But what I really want is to give you a message. It's time. I suppose I'll make the introductions. : '''Valve:''' A biker needs no introduction. And everyone knows Hunter Cain. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Everything is going according to plan. We get one more thing. Then we get wrecked. : '''Rex:''' Sorry we're late. : '''Bobo:''' We're not late. We're fashionably early. : '''Providence Agent:''' I was starting to think I was on my own. I've been calling for help, but Providence hasn't answered. : '''Six:''' What set this off? : '''Providence Agent:''' No idea. One moment everything was fine. The next moment, complete chaos. : '''Rex:''' I'm heading in. I'll lock up when I'm done. Oh, don't bother getting up. I'm just gonna knock you back down again. : '''Bobo:''' Back in your cages, you filthy animals! : '''Rex:''' Huh? What? You? It's a who's-who of old EVOs. Whew! Really not in the mood for this. You're kidding me. You?! : '''Gatlocke:''' Three men, one objective, no rules. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Or is it just me? : '''Valve:''' The others are saying that Rex is here. Rex will get his when we're ready. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Watch yourselves. This one's unpredictable. We know what you want, No-Face. Then we can give it to you. Do what we say. Then you'll get Rex. You'll get the chance to tear Rex apart. Piece by piece. Now we're ready. : '''Rex:''' So you remember who I am. Surprised you have a big enough brain for that. These cells are pretty dull. Let's redecorate. No way I'm letting an EVO get won over on me. Especially a big old frog. : '''Gatlocke:''' Almost out. Freedom is just a... Bottomless ravine away. : '''Valve:''' The biker begs the question, how are we getting across? : '''Gatlocke:''' You know that's not really how begging the question is supposed to be used. Are we kidding? Anyone who gets worked up over that phrase needs to be savagely beaten. : '''Hunter Cain:''' This'll override the drawbridge system. : '''Gatlocke:''' Ooh, now how would someone like you procure something like that? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Friends and hide places. : '''Rex:''' Okay, frog legs. Let's put you in solitary confinement. : '''Bobo:''' Do you look like you got run over by an overstuffed garbage truck? : '''Rex:''' Feels like it. This is a prison riot. Where's Providence? They should be all over this. : '''Six:''' They never responded to any calls. : '''Rex:''' It's a setup. Providence wanted this to happen. But why? : '''Six:''' Six here. Go ahead. : '''Rex:''' Wait. This bridge wasn't down before. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. About that. Some of the prisoners escaped together. Gatlocke... : '''Rex:''' That's bad. : '''Bobo:''' Hunter Cain... : '''Rex:''' That's even worse! : '''Bobo:''' Valve. : '''Rex:''' That's... Really? Valve? : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. And No-Face. : '''Rex:''' Those four are loose? Together? : '''Six:''' We've got a bigger problem. : '''Rex:''' How can it be bigger than this? : '''Six:''' The EVOs in the city-- The only thing keeping them tame are their control collars. : '''Rex:''' And this is a problem because...? : '''Six:''' Because someone has shut them all down. : '''Rex:''' Let me get that for you. : '''Bobo:''' Dumpster dog. Considering you used to ride around in the Paris, I guess you're moving up in the world. Main to your mud. : '''Six:''' Are you injured? : '''Rex:''' Just worn out. Is this day over yet? : '''Bobo:''' Oh! Signs pointing no. : '''Rex:''' Huh? That came from the track. Can you handle things here? : '''Bobo:''' Only one way to find out. Valve. Those nanite superchargers you keep using are bad for your health. : '''Valve:''' If I were you, I'd be more concerned with your own short-term health. : '''Rex:''' Please, like I have anything to worry about from you. The other three, they're dangerous. You, you're just comedy relief. : '''Valve:''' I am not. Comedy relief. : '''Rex:''' Well, you're not funny, that's for sure. : '''Valve:''' Like the road that continues on, so must the biker. : '''Rex:''' Where did he go so? Ew! Get away from my tacos, cockroach! Huh? You running away? I'll give you this much, Valve. Maybe you're getting smarter. : '''No-Face:''' Unlike you. : '''Rex:''' I put you away once, No-Face. I'll do it again. : '''No-Face:''' The one who makes machines. The one we've been waiting for. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Figures you try to shoot a guy in the back. : '''Hunter Cain:''' All I see is a filthy EVO. : '''Rex:''' Okay, first off, that Lai is tired. Second off, last time I checked, you're teaming up with one. Would that make you an EVO lover? All this hide and seek is wearing me down! Huh? Figures. : '''Gatlocke:''' Leaving so soon? That's not going to impress the hiring committee. Now, let's see what we have here. "Honor roll, A/V Club." Ugh. "Glee Club." ''[Scoffs]'' I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're perfect for my gang. Can you sing soprano? My last soprano drove his motorcycle off a cliff. He survived, but his voice was never the same. By the way, can you fly? This is quite the surprise. I'm willing to hire you, Rex, but you better have some excellent references. : '''Rex:''' Back to prison, Gatlocke! : '''Gatlocke:''' Then consider the offer rescinded! You could be a valued member of my gang. It's a tough job market out there, you know? : '''Rex:''' I'd never work for you! : '''Gatlocke:''' No, not with that attitude, you wouldn't. Welcome to my gang. Your first task is to destroy Rex-- That guy right there. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' Your second task is to complete harassment training. I teach the class. This pamphlet explains everything. : '''Rex:''' No, no, no! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, come in. What's happening? : '''Rex:''' One really bad day. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Your nanite readings are off the charts. : '''Rex:''' No surprise. I've been fighting and curing EVOs non stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We need to upload your nanites immediately. : '''Rex:''' Now? Doc, my four worst enemies are still on the loose. Well, my three worst enemies in Valve. Plus the city's in chaos. And where in the world is Providence? How come they're not here dealing with this? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Six and Bobo can mop up the last few EVOs. You have to offload. : '''Rex:''' Okay, fine. But we better make it fast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll be locked in the chamber for one hour. : '''Rex:''' Just do it, Doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' This could be a long sixty minutes. : '''Valve:''' According to the tracking bug, Rex is inside. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Gentlemen, this is what we've been waiting for. It's time for Rex to die. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They followed him. : '''Gatlocke:''' After we kill Rex. We should work together and form a team call ourselves... Gatlocke and the kitty cats. : '''Valve:''' Silence your mouth or the biker will silence it for you. : '''Gatlocke:''' Oh, Valve. You can pretend to be angry, but deep down, you know you're a kitty cat. : '''Hunter Cain:''' They know we're here. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're quite feisty. Have you ever considered a career in the fast growing field of post apocalyptic gangs? : '''Valve:''' She has spirit. Valve the biker will see that spirit crushed. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're Gatlocke's favorite kitty cat. Hmm. Rrr. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Don't follow her. She's trying to lead us away from Rex. Rex is close-by. : '''Valve:''' Rex's chamber... Five minutes to spare. : '''Hunter Cain:''' More than enough time. : '''Gatlocke:''' I could have sworn that we'd agreed to take Rex out together. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I'm changing the terms of the deal if you have a problem with that, feel free to stand right where you are. I've waited a long time for this. Rex! : '''Valve:''' Empty? Or a trick of the mind? : '''Rex:''' Isn't that obvious? Then again, that tracking bug you stuck on me was obvious, too. And the fake countdown? Obvious. It only took me thirty minutes to upload my nanites. You wanted to run me ragged so you could get me. Instead, here you are all in one place. Gotcha! : '''Valve:''' UGHH! : '''Rex:''' UGHHHH! I still don't get why you enlisted Valve. I mean, he's really a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' Valve is the biker. A biker is dangerous. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. Yeah. No. : '''Valve:''' Rrrr! : '''Rex:''' So unpredictable. Like a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' AAAAH! : '''Gatlocke:''' I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that he's winning. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Then do something about it! : '''Gatlocke:''' Don't have to yell. A kind word will get you much further. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' UGHHH! Oh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ouch! My back! My front and my back! OHH! This is total, total agony! : ''[Gatlocke gasps]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' ''[Calmly]'' I'm okay. Really. I'm fine. : '''Hunter Cain:''' You're lucky. I'll give you that. But you're only delaying the inevitable. You can't beat us all! : '''Rex:''' I never intended to. This offload facility? I reprogrammed it. My surplus nanites aren't being stored. They're powering the shield. : '''Hunter Cain:''' It's a trap! : '''Rex:''' Have fun keeping each other company! : '''Bobo:''' What a day. : '''Rex:''' You know, none of this would have happened if Providence hadn't released the convicts and turned out all those EVOs. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They did that to keep you busy. : '''Rex:''' Keep me busy from what? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The Nanite Project. We just found out. While we dealt with the EVOs, Black Knight got her hands on another Master-Control Nanite. : '''Rex:''' Then it's time. ===Sinister Secrets=== ===Wounded Hearts=== ===One Step Ahead=== ===Breaking Point=== ===Behind Closed Doors=== ===Keeping Hope=== ===Trust=== ===Terror of the Black Knight=== ===Endgame, Part One=== : '''Rex:''' It was going to happen sooner or later. We had most of the pieces, so it was only a matter of time before the Black Knight made her move. And of all the chances she had to attack, it had to be tonight... at this very moment... while I was in the shower. Huh? How many? : '''Six:''' Should it matter? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can't you do any better than that? : '''Bobo:''' I thought you'd never ask. : '''Rex:''' Rah! Yah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' If they get to the Meta-Nanites, we still have options. : '''Rex:''' Of the self-destruct kind? No, thanks, Doc. It's not going to end that way... hopefully. : '''Black Knight:''' We'll dispense with the pleasantries. You know what we want. : '''Rex:''' There is no way you're walking out of here with the nanites. : '''Black Knight:''' You seem so certain. : '''Rex:''' We've beaten you before. Every single time, in fact. So, this time is different... How? Okay, that's different. Ugh! You're an EVO?! : '''Black Knight:''' Do you think you were the only one they experimented on back in the day? You were the guinea pig. Consider me the new-and-improved version. : '''Rex:''' Okay. Before we go any further, I should probably explain a few things. It started when a bunch of rich guys decided they wanted to live forever, so they got the best scientists in the world to figure out how. The answer was nanites. These microscopic machines would cure disease, end hunger, and pretty much make the world a better place. My parents and older brother were on the team, and so was this guy. Look familiar? Van Kleiss. Then one day there was an accident. To save my life, my parents injected me with nanites. It worked. But there were a few crazy side effects, like the fact I could talk to machines and, later on, build some pretty cool things. That got the rich guys thinking-- How far could we take this? Turns out pretty far. These little machines could control the very fabric of the Universe, but they would need a Master Control Nanite to program all the others and tell them what to do. Energy, gravity, time/space, elemental, mechanical-- All the things that make the Universe run. Combined together, they would pretty much make you a God. And when my brother and parents found out the Consortium was about to put these nanites inside themselves, they sort of freaked out in a "got to save the Earth" kind of way. Something had to be done to stop it. Turns out that meant blowing the whole thing up, better known as "The Nanite Event". That didn't end well for my parents. While everyone else ran away, my parents were trapped inside. Sill not sure how. There was some good news-- No more Master Control Nanites. And the bad news? Dangerous unprogrammed nanites got spread across the world, and nanites plus DNA equals EVO. My brother Caesar got caught in a time warp during his escape. Van Kleiss got blown to smithereens and became the world's biggest pain in the nanite. And me? I got amnesia and traveled the globe living the good life... At least, that's how I tell it. The only part I know of wasn't all that much to brag about. I did get some good friends and a few enemies out of the deal. Turns out that losing my memory was a regular thing for me. Last time I woke up and said, "Who Am I?" It was when this guy found me-- Agent Six. He worked for Providence, sort of a global police force created to clean up after the event. It was paid for mostly by the same group of goons that started the whole thing-- The Consortium. It was great for a while. I had my own personal doctor, a chimp sidekick, a cool best friend to hang with. I was a full-fledged hero. The world loved me, and my powers kept getting better and better. Van Kleiss was still a pain, but I managed to take care of him. A few times, actually. Then things started to get not so cool. My brother shows up from out of nowhere. I get thrown six months into the future to find White Knight kicked out of Providence and this lady in charge-- Black Knight. She's been the lapdog of the Consortium from day one, and now her bosses want to pick up where they left off. Most of the old team of scientists have been reunited, and together, they've restarted the nanite program. The Master Control Nanites were spread across the globe in the first explosion, and we've been racing against Providence to get them back. So far, we've been winning that fight, and that pretty much brings us to right now. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' The Black Pawns are robots?! : '''Black Knight:''' Total obedience at the flip of a switch. Can you blame me? : '''Black Pawn:''' What's so funny? : '''Six:''' I hold back against people. You're not people. : ''[Bobo Haha grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? Ugh! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! Hey! Take it easy, would you? Oh! : '''Rex:''' Fitzy?! : '''Feakins:''' Heh? Sorry, guy. They found me. She's hard to say "No" to... and live. : '''Black Knight:''' Well put, Mr. Feakins. And thanks to his unique ability, we can set aside our nanite enhancements and do this the old-fashioned way. : '''Rex:''' Come on. That's not fair. I'm unarmed! : '''Black Knight:''' Precisely. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Stop! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. : '''Rex:''' Listen to the crazy guy. : '''Black Knight:''' Why are you here, Van Kleiss? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I forgot. Oh, no, wait. I remember. He's got a Master Control Nanite swallowed up inside him. It's been hiding, the naughty thing. : '''Rex:''' On second thought, don't listen to him. He's, uh-- He's crazy, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' You're sure of this? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, yes, yes. Quite sure. Do you have any mints? : '''Black Knight:''' I want Rex at the lab. Restrain and sedate him. : '''Rex:''' How, hold on a minute. : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What about me? : '''Black Knight:''' I'm not taking any chances. He stays with Rex. Kill the others. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Ahh. : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Human. : '''Rex:''' What are you telling me? What do you want? : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I get it. How? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Caesar:''' Calm down, Rex. You're safe. : '''Rex:''' Safe?! Black Knight and her robo-troopers just came knocking, and Van crazy says I have a Master Control Nanite inside me! : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating, isn't it? All this time, it's been hiding undetected inside you. I wonder if this particular control unit is responsible for his unique nano-evolution. : '''Rex:''' Are any of you even listening to me? : '''Feakins:''' Boy, I am. It's like a movie but real! I just want to go start pressing buttons. Can I get another milkshake? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How exactly do you plan on getting it out of him? : '''Black Knight:''' I have a suggestion. Tear it out. : '''Rylander:''' It would kill him. : '''Black Knight:''' That's none of my concern. : '''Caesar:''' The nanite is tied to his DNA. Simply pulling it out of him would ruin the nanite. : '''Rex:''' And me, too, remember? : '''Caesar:''' The only way this will work is if we put him in the cyclotron with the other Metas. It should extract automatically during the reassembly. : '''Black Knight:''' And if it doesn't? : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Good question. : '''Rex:''' Here's another one-- Don't I get a say in this? Like, isn't this the exact thing that our parents died trying to stop? : '''Black Knight:''' Take him to the hub and prepare for the transfer. The Consortium is here and extremely impatient. I want this finished within the hour. : '''Feakins:''' Aah! Hey, what am I-- Sandpaper? Not so rough! ''[sputtering]'' Rough. : '''Rex:''' Glad someone can see the humor in this. : '''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, see that Rex is well taken care of. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' I hope you know what you're doing, Salazar. This is a huge risk we're taking. : '''Rylander:''' Listen to Peter. The thing we swore to stop at any cost, the thing that took your parents-- It could happen-- Right here, today. : '''Caesar:''' It can't, and it won't. You'll have to trust me on this. : '''Rylander:''' You can only say that so many times, Caesar. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We've been waiting almost an hour. Not even refreshments? : '''Black Knight:''' You can have your snack after we become Gods. : '''Roswell:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' That's right-- "We." None of this would be possible without my efforts. : '''Roswell:''' And our money, sister. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, have your contempt. There's plenty of room buried next to the Russian if you'd like to keep him company. That's what I thought. Now, if you'll follow me-- : '''Bobo:''' "Kill the others." Not gonna happen, lady. We're bulletproof. Ow! Hangnail. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! We know where they took him. Why are we here? We need to go get Rex. : '''Six:''' I agree. We just don't have the resources, Rebecca. We'd need an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've been known to make the impossible happen, Six. How hard could that be? : '''Six:''' Six here. Copy that. We just got ourselves an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You see? : '''Van Kleiss:''' That will be all. : '''Feakins:''' But the lady said-- Good luck, Kid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' These restraints were made for you. You're very special, you know. : '''Rex:''' Lucky me. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss... leave us. : '''Rex:''' I really hate you. : '''Caesar:'''I know how this looks, Rex. : '''Rex:''' But what? I just have to trust you? Is that what you were going to say? Just help me-- Please. : '''Caesar:''' It may not seem like it, but I am. : '''Rex:''' Caesar... I'm scared. : '''Caesar:''' So am I, little brother. This will all be over in a few minutes. : '''Rex:''' It's already over! When I get out of this, I never want to see you again! : '''Rylander:''' Commencing countdown. : '''Roswell:''' WHOO-HOO! : '''Reddick:''' Payback time! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' This won't be entirely unpleasant. It should feel similar to when you offload surplus nanites. : '''Rex:''' Stop! You can't do this! You can't merge! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Something's wrong. : '''Rylander:''' Of course something's wrong. The kid is fighting it. : '''Caesar:''' This could be bad. : '''Rylander:''' You have to tell him, Caesar. : '''Caesar:''' Rex, you have to stop. Listen to me. The nanites are supposed to do-- Rex? Can you hear me? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Actually, he can't. There's a short in the comm relay. : '''Van Kleiss:''' This would be a wonderful day for a picnic. : '''Rex:''' RA-A-A-A-A-A-H! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' So much for that plan. : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, serves you right. All that and you come out of the oven looking like freaks. Nice job! : '''Black Knight:''' It's not exactly what we were expecting, but it's a start. : '''Reddick:''' This isn't what we agreed to. : '''Roswell:''' Where's the rest of our power? This is all messed up! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How can this be possible? : '''Rylander:''' The Meta-Nanites were dispersed between the five. This is quite a surprise. : '''Caesar:''' We've got to get Rex out of there. Step aside, Van Kleiss. : '''Van Kleiss:''' They still don't have what they want... and neither do you. : '''Black Knight:''' You're angry. I can see that. If you want to take it out on anyone, it should be Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I think I can agree to that. : '''Roswell:''' Count me in! This might actually be fun! : '''Rex:''' Let's think about this for a second. Whoa! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' How 'bout that? Exactly one second. Whoa! Aah! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What a perfect way to learn to use our powers-- Tearing this brat apart. : '''Rex:''' Only one problem with that, sparky. I've been using my powers a whole lot longer-- And I'm pretty good. : '''Roswell:''' You got any ideas here, missy, or we gonna stand around and get it handed to us? : '''Black Knight:''' The Meta-Nanites were designed to work together. So will we. : '''Rex:''' What? Are you gonna join together to make a robo-mutant? : '''Black Knight:''' That's exactly what we're going to do. : '''Rex:''' I need to stop giving them ideas. Huh? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' No one the help you-- No family, no friends, nothing. It's a terrible way to go. : '''White Knight:''' Captain Calan, target the base. All weapons, sire. : '''Providence Agent:''' Fire control reports they're being jammed, sir. : '''White Knight:''' Only one salvo. Black Knight must have prepared for this. : ''[Rex groans softly]'' : '''Rex:''' Big giant robot. Black Knight. : '''Six:''' We know. : '''Rex:''' Have to... stay and stop them. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Another time, Rex. : '''Rex:''' I-I-- : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to White Knight. We have Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We're just gonna watch them go?! : '''Black Knight:''' Let Providence have their weapon back. With our combined power, the world is ours. ===Endgame, Part Two=== :'''Black Knight:''' Science has given us a tremendous gift-- Nanites. We've seen what they can do-- The good and the bad. But they're true potential has been largely unseen. Until now. Our goals are varied. Fame... power... revenge... wealth... order. Yet, one thing unites us-- Greed. You're surprised I admit it? Well, don't be. You'll never get far in life without wanting it all. And for those who might consider standing in our way... We'll let our powers speak for themselves. The world is ours. And no one can stop us. :''[Roswell laughs]'' :'''Roswell:''' This is more fun than my first rodeo. What else you got? :'''Six:''' Any change? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's sleeping. The nanites in him are making repairs. That's a good thing. He's a tough kid, Six. :'''Six:''' I know. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' See you next time. Judging by what you fed us for lunch, I'm guessing twenty minutes. Can't even go to the little scientists' room without them breathing down our necks. How long are we going to put up with this? :'''Caesar:''' I know it's not easy working under these circumstances. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Do you? I don't hear you complaining, or have you even noticed that we're prisoniers? :'''Rylander:''' Gentlemen, please. Can we focus on a more important problem? The Consortium's gain of power is a troubling outcome. Something should be done. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're talking about stopping them, I'm listening. :'''Black Knight:''' I want you all in the boardroom in three minutes. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' The world is being taken over by nanite-fueled ex-c.e.o. Psychos, and they still act like they're running a business. :'''Roswell:''' You nerds gave us a raw deal. I want a do-over. :'''Caesar''': A do-over? :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What my colleague means to say is that our powers are remarkable to be sure, but we only have one seventh of what we were promised. :'''Rylander:''' You're asking a lot. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You're asking the impossible. You'd be lucky to survive the extraction. :'''Caesar:''' This is true. You may be powerful, but you're not Rex. :'''Black Knight:''' I share your disappointment, gentlemen. But are you willing to lose everything for this? :'''Roswell:''' Go big or go home. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, what do you have to say? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Easy-peasy. I can do it. It's only a matter of correctly calibrating the bio-filters with the homing frequency of the nanites. By the way, have you seen my socks? :'''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss-- :'''Black Knight:''' Has an assignment. The rest of you... Stay out of trouble. :'''Rex:''' You started without me. :'''Six:''' Glad to see you up and around. Something bothering you? :'''Rex:''' Besides black knight taking over the world? I'm trying to find my friends. I know Providence took them. :'''Six:''' We're working on that. :'''Rex:''' And are we doing anything about the Consortium? What about... The robot? The one I can build. Don't play dumb, Six. :'''Six:''' Come with me. :'''Rex:''' That's me? No way! All this time, I could have been making myself into that thing? Ohh! Maybe not. :'''Six:''' Evidence suggest that you've never been able to control it. It's a weapon of last defense. This was filmed on the day that I found you. It was also the day I made a promise that it would be the last time you ever built this machine. :''[Rex scoffs]'' :'''Rex:''' Or what, you'd kill me? You plan on keeping that promise? :'''Six:''' Rex, you have to know something. We believe this is the type of thing that ends in you losing your memory. :'''Rex:''' Well, it happened to you, and you turned out just fine. :'''Six:''' I only lost six years. Six years is all you have. You would lose everything. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you need to think about the consequences of some of your options. :'''Noah:''' It feels weird hanging out when the world is under attack. I don't know if I should be fighting back or out in the wilderness setting up a survival compound. :'''Rex:''' If you had the power to stop all this, but it meant losing everything, would you do it, Noah? :'''Noah:''' I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to make that kind of decision. I guess that's why you're the hero. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' I wish I could get some kind of sign. Anything. Hmm. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Red and yellow, red and yellow. One false move can kill a fellow. :''[Van Kleiss laughs]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' He's got local control. We're locked out. I still don't even know how this is possible. :'''Rylander:''' I've been looking at the data projections. As crazy as Van Kleiss is, his theory is sound. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Sorry to disturb your sleepy sleep. There might be a slight delay. :'''Black Knight:''' Why? :'''Van Kleiss:''' We have a visitor. Should I set out tea? :'''Rex:''' Hey, in there! Come on out! :'''Black Knight:''' Back for more? Happy to accommodate. :'''Rex:''' I should warn you. It's going to get ugly. :'''Black Knight:''' One would think you would have learned the last time. I can feel you resisting me. Stop. :'''Roswell:''' Why is it you get to call all the shots? :'''Black Knight:''' Because I'm the one who has the power to join us. Help me defeat Rex, and you can call all the shots you like. :'''Rex:''' Hyah! :''[Rex babbling]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Six:''' It's a weapon of last defense. It's happened. :'''Noah:''' That's Rex? :'''White Knight:''' I'm going to assume you're seeing what I'm seeing. :'''Six:''' White-- :'''White Knight:''' Before you say anything, Six-- Whatever agreement we may have had regarding this situation no longer applies. Am I clear? :'''Six:''' Understood. :'''Dr. Holiday''': What was that all about? :'''Six:''' A second chance. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, we have to do something. :'''Six:''' I've seen it before. We're too late. :''[Rex coughing]'' :'''Rex:''' Donde esta mi zapato? :'''Noah:''' Rex! Hold on! :'''Rex:''' What? What happened? :'''Bobo:''' You blew up, kid. :'''Six:''' Do you know who we are? :'''Rex:''' I... I do! Oh-ho! I remember! Ow! Ow! I wish I could forget this pain in my... The Consortium! :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' This is utter nonsense. I refuse to be led around like a show dog. :'''Reddick:''' You can always go back outside and take it up with Providence. :'''Black Knight:''' Guard the door. Nothing gets by you. :'''Six:''' They're robots. :'''Rex:''' Oh! Right! That part I forgot. :'''Bobo:''' Next time, leave some for the rest of us, huh? :'''Rylander:''' I'll stay here and guard the equipment. :''[Rylander laughs]'' :'''Caesar:''' Little brother, they've had this place completely locked down. I've been trying to reach you. :'''Bobo:''' What he said. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Yeah, you deserved that. :'''Rex:''' Open it. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' We can't. Still completely locked out of the system. Besides, you can't interrupt once the cycle has started. :'''Rex:''' Well, then, un-start it! :'''Black Knight:''' You cleaned up for the occasion. How thoughtful of you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, this isn't for you. You didn't actually believe that I'd let the five of you have all this power. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I thought you were working for us? :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Rex:''' You see that? I knew it! He's not crazy! Okay... oh! He's crazy, but just his usual crazy. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, I am not amused. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I don't imagine you would be. This was always my intention, even in the very beginning. It's a pity your parents caught me trying to activate the sequence for myself. And, of course, there's the "broken" hatch. The world would be a much better place if they had just left well enough alone. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Black Knight, do something. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, you have made a huge mistake. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, then, let the fun begin. :''[Black Knight groans]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You can't overload that relay from a subdirectory. You have to get a root. It's impossible from here. :'''Caesar:''' You're a very negative person, Peter Meechum. :''[Dr. Meechum groans]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'll try from the main terminal in the lab. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, wait! That's not necessary. :'''Rex:''' I'm not waiting around, hermano. :'''Caesar:''' No. That's not what I mean. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I can see it. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Huh? No. :''[Van Kleiss groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's incredible something so small could have so much [[w:Omnipotence|power]]. That thing could rip apart the very fabric of the universe. :'''Rex:''' It's still a nanite. I'm gonna talk to it. :'''Caesar:''' No. It's okay. :''[The fully complete Meta Nanite comes to Rex, as if it were waiting for him, whose eyes and body glow with a pale blue cosmic aura.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, listen to me. The Meta-Nanite-- It could never work in anyone but you. Now in its pure state. Mom and dad, we programmed them that way from the very beginning. All of this... It's meant for you. :'''Six:''' What are you saying? :'''Caesar:''' Right now, Rex is [[Omnipotence|the most powerful being in the universe]]. :'''Bobo:''' You hear that, Kid? Don't let it get to your head. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, doc. This is pretty trippy. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. :'''Black Knight:''' You're a [[God]], Rex. You can do anything you want. :'''Six:''' You know what to do. :'''Rex:''' You're right, Six. So are the rest of you. I can do anything I want. Maybe it's time for a revolution. Isn't that what you five wanted? A revolution? Well, welcome to it. :'''Noah:''' Is he gonna be like this from now on? :'''Rylander:''' Uh... People. He's inside the nanite reactor. :'''Dr. Holiday and Caesar:''' Inside? :'''Rex:''' Okay, little guys. I need you to do something for me. :'''Black Knight:''' Follow me, quickly. :'''Reddick:''' I'm through following you. We trusted you everything, and look what we got. :'''Black Knight:''' We may still be able to retain some of our abilities, but only if you follow me. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Are you seeing this? :'''Rylander:''' Tehnically, I don't have eyes, but yes. :'''Providence Agent:''' Reports are coming in. EVO's all over the world are spontaneously curing. :'''Six:''' Not spontaneous. :'''Caesar:''' He must have programmed all the nanites in the reactor to initiate a worldwide cure event. :'''Black Knight:''' What is your next directive? :'''Rex:''' I don't want anyone using you again. Ever. And that includes me. Deactivate. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I think it's over. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I think you're right. :'''Caesar:''' I wanted to tell you, brother. So much was at stake. :'''Rex:''' We're good. And we'll always be brothers. :'''Diane Ferrah:''' Across the world, not an EVO to be found. After more than six years, it appears we've awoken from the nightmare. :'''White Knight:''' The EVOs may be gone, but we still have nanites. :'''Rex:''' Leave it to you to spoil all the fun, White Knight. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There are some people here to see you, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? :'''Skwydd:''' Eh, I guess I should start going by Walter again. :''[Rex runs to Circe and the two lovers share a close hug, happy to be together at last]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... Are you...? :'''Circe:''' I'm okay. Normal, but okay. I think you may have put yourself out of a job. :'''Skywdd:''' Yeah. What are you gonna do? Go to school? :'''Rylander:''' It was nice having the team back together. You know, we should find a new project. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You kidding? I'd rather have root canal with a rake. Worst experience of my life. :'''Caesar:''' Do you want to hear about some of my new ideas or not? :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'm listening. :'''Rex:''' Finally. :'''Six:''' Need anything? :'''Rex:''' Nope. I'm good. There's always going to be something, isn't there? :'''Six:''' Yes, there is. ==Characters== ===Main=== *Rex Salazar (Daryl Sabara) *Six *White Knight *Bobo Haha ===Supporting=== *Circe (Tara Sands) *Tuck (Dante Bosco) *Skwydd *Cricket *Beverley Holiday *Caesar Salazar *Five *Tres *IV ===Villains=== *Van Kleiss *The Pack *Gatlocke *Hunter Cain *Quarry *Black Knight *The Consortium ===Couples=== *Dr. Rebecca Holiday & Six *Rex & Circe *Noah Nixon & Claire Bowman ==Elements== ===Rex's Machines "Builds"=== *Big Fat Sword *Buzz Saw *Punk Busters *Boogie Pack *Cannon *Smack Hands ===Rex's Other Abilities=== *Technopathy *Data Manipulation *Technological Manipulation *E.V.O. Curing *Breach Detection *Electronic Disruption ===Omega Nanite-Powered Builds=== *Blast Caster *Funchucks *Bad Axes *Block Party *Sky Slider *Water Jet ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1636691/ Generator Rex] at [[Internet Movie Database]] * [http://generatorrexpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Generator_Rex Generator Rex] at Wikia {{Authority control}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Teen animated TV shows]] iyfkqgu8sbr37rcukbgy2ymrfjfmwph 3944255 3944243 2026-05-22T18:57:14Z ~2026-17291-92 3303475 /* Remote Control */ 3944255 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} This is a list of quotes from the popular, yet cancelled animated television series ''[[w:Generator Rex|Generator Rex]]''. A video game and several chapter books were produced. The series supposedly "[[w: cliffhanger|concluded]]" with its third season, despite leaving many questions unanswered and crucial elements unresolved ''before'' the two-part Season 3 finale, ''Endgame''. ==Season One (2010-2011)== ===The Day That Everything Changed=== :'''Bobo''': Wheels or wings? :'''Rex''': Wheels, I wanna tear something up. <hr width80%> :'''Agent Six''': He just needs more training control of those emotions. :'''Dr. Holiday''': He's a teenager that's like asking you to get a different color suit! ===String Theory=== :'''Biowulf:''' Master, we had a situation at the safe house. Meecham is cured. It was Rex. :(''The camera zooms in on Van Kleiss whose expressive vindictive indeed'') ===Beyond the Sea=== :''Note'': Rex meets his [[w:love interest|love interest]] and sweetheart, Circe. :──────────────────── :'''Rex''': Don't know what you're 24/7 is, but mine is 10% OH YEAH! And 90% uhh. :──────────────────── :'''Rex:''' Outta the way! :'''Circe:''' Uh! :(''Rex and Circe both crash to the ground'') :'''Rex:''' Are you okay? Did you see that awesome save? : '''Circe:''' Sorry, I was busy trying not to get tackled by some nitwit. : '''Rex:''' Yeah? How that work out for you? And who still uses the word "nitwit"? I'm Rex. : '''Circe:''' I'm leaving. : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait! : '''Noah:''' Rex, you're up. : ──────────────────── : '''Six:''' What about the new tracker? : '''Doctor Holdiay:''' His nanites unbuilt it, just like all the other ones we tried sneaking in him. We're still receiving his biometric readings though. It's strange, they're all over the place. It's almost like his emotions are...shorting out. : '''Six:''' He took an unusual interest in Calan's briefing about equatorial upticks. : '''Doctor Holiday:''' And that's important because? : '''Six:''' Rex has been acting stir-crazy and I heard the monkey mention something about spring break. ''[to workers]'' Scan all resort areas for his bio signature. : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' Oh, you have got it all messed up. Falling for some girl? We're supposed to get them to dig us. Not the other way around. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. There was something different about her. She's...right there. Later. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait up! : '''Circe:''' Why are you following me?! : '''Rex:''' Uh, I don't know exactly. : '''Circe:''' Do you think I'm playing?! : '''Rex:''' Well, if you are I'm down for another game. I thought maybe we could hang out. It is spring break, you know. Fun. : '''Circe:''' I'm with my family. We're not really for fun. : '''Rex:''' What! Who comes to the beach and doesn't have fun? : (''Circe raises her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Don't you think that's a little messed up? : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' So? : '''Circe:''' I'm Circe. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hold on! : '''Circe:''' Woooo! : '''Rex:''' Definitely better than my suggestion. : '''Circe:''' Hunting for seashells is fun. : (''both laugh'') : '''Beach Guy:''' You two skid-marts up for a race to the beach? : '''Circe:''' Well, if you drive as badly as for play volleyball, we could probably walk there and win. You're on, meathead. : (''guy drives off in anger)'' : '''Rex:''' So you were watching me play. : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' sure you wanna do this? : '''Circe:''' Thrill me. : '''Beach Guy:''' Hahahaha! Wooo! : '''Circe:''' C'mom Rex, faster! : ──────────────────── : '''Biowulf:''' Explain. : '''Circe:''' Relax. I was covering. Every day when I'm at the end of that jet i when I could hanging out with the other kids, it's starting to look suspicious. : '''Biowulf:''' You're not here for vacation, girl! You're here to prove yourself to Van Kleiss. And I'm starting to doubt you can. : '''Circe:''' I told you. It's a done deal. : (''The shadow of her tubular sonic mouth is seen'') : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' So what's on today's spring break agenda? Jet skiing, hiking? : '''Bobo:''' Eating our weight in crab legs? : '''Rex:''' I figured we'd just chill. Let's just see who...uhh I mean what shows up. : ''(siren-like call)'' : '''Rex:''' Did you hear that? : '''Noah:''' Sorry, enchiladas. : '''Rex:''' No, that! You seriously didn't hear that? : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You really shouldn't be here right now. : '''Rex:''' I heard something coming from over here. : '''Circe:''' I'm serious, Rex. It's not safe. : '''Rex:''' What you think some sort of roguewave is gonna knock off and- Oh. : '''Circe:''' There you are. Get out of here, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Circe!! What are you doing!? : '''Circe:''' Me!? What are you doing!? : '''Rex:''' Right now, my job. Okay! Don't freak out. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're an E.V.O.? : '''Rex:''' You catch on fast. : '''Circe:''' Takes one to know one. : (''Shows Rex her fleshly sonic mouth'') : '''Rex:''' No way. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Cover your ears! : '''Rex:''' What!? : '''Circe:''' Your ears! Cover them! : (''Projects her tubular, fleshy mouth and emits strong hypersonic bursts'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Did I hurt you? : '''Rex:''' Yeah. It was awesome. You were the one making that sound. : '''Circe:''' I'm glad you're OK, but I'm in serious trouble. I have to go deal with it. : '''Rex:''' Why are in trouble? Is it because of that E.V.O.? Let me help you. : '''Circe''': No. I have to do this by myself. :(''Rex takes a hold of her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Meet me later. : '''Circe:''' Rex... (''Looks away sadly'') : '''Rex:''' I've never met anyone like you...like me. It'd be nice to talk to an E.V.O. who's not, you know, trying to kill me. Nine O'clock? : '''Circe:''' I'll try. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I just wanted to have some fun, see if I could jog my memory, feel...normal. :'''Six:''' Your "normal" is different, Rex. :(''Rex hears Circe's irresistibly hypnotic melody'') :'''Rex:''' It's her, Six. Just let me deal with this, OK? Alone. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're only here because you heard my [[w:siren |call]]. That's what I do. I'm like a big E.V.O. magnet. : '''Rex:''' I came because I thought we had a connection. And what are you calling? Nothing's out there but big, ugly sea monsters. : '''Circe:''' It's them! You have to go! Rex, please! I don't want them to see you with me! : '''Rex:''' Who? Your parents? : '''Circe:''' They're not my parents. They're... : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Van Kleiss' guys!? Your with ''them''!? : '''Circe:''' Yeah. I'm with them. <hr width80%> : '''Biowulf:''' We're running out patience with you, Circe! You have one last chance! Summon the E.V.O.! Finish the job!! : '''Circe:''' Don't you think I've been trying? Every day for the last week? Sometimes these things take time. : '''Rex:''' It is just me or do you use your powers to kill all the guys you meet? You're letting her go, now! : '''Biowulf (laughs)''': So ''this'' is who you been wasting your time with. She's on her own free will, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You have to leave me alone, Rex!! ''Please!'' <hr width80%> : '''Six:''' Go after her. I mean it. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Are you serious!? : '''Circe:''' To the rest of the world I'm a freak! Not to them! : '''Rex:''' You're not a freak to me! What about that? : '''Circe:''' What about it!? Spring break is fun, but we can't live there, Rex. The real world... : '''Rex:''' In the real world, I work for Providence. You could come with me. Could you cut out that noise for a second!? : '''Circe:''' No, I can't! I'm running out of time! Most people on this planet what E.V.O.s gone, ''including'' Providence! With Van Kleiss, I have a purpose; a home. You don't what that means to me. : '''Rex:''' Actually, I think I might. : '''Circe:''' So what are going to do? : '''Rex:''' How about fight that big, ugly sea monster again? : '''Circe:''' Finally! It's what I came here to do. : '''Rex:''' You've been calling that thing, haven't you? : '''Circe:''' It's my initiation into the Pack. I was brought here to capture it. : '''Rex:''' By yourself!? The two of us could barely take it on! There's a resort here; innocent people! Send it back! : '''Circe:''' That's not an option, Rex. Van Kleiss was very specific. : '''Rex:''' Then I'm helping you. : '''Circe:''' That's not an option either!! : (''Blasts him with her hypersonic waves'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' If I do this myself, I'll have a life! If I don't, Van Kleiss won't be happy. And you've seen what he does when he's not happy. : '''Rex:''' If I don't help you, he won't even get the chance! : '''Circe:''' Give me some credit, Rex! I'm not as helpless as you think! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I don't care whose side your on, Circe. I don't want to see you die today. Can we at least agree on that? : '''Circe:''' You have no idea what I'm in for, Rex. But you're right. I can't do this by myself. : '''Rex:''' You're not as helpless as you think. <hr width80%> : '''Circe''' (''relieved'')''':''' Rex, you stopped it. : '''Rex:''' We make a good team, huh? : '''Circe:''' Yeah, we sure do. : (''She and Rex lean in closer for a passionate kiss, but are interrupted by Biowulf'') : '''Biowulf:''' This trial was for you alone. Van Kleiss will not be pleased. : '''Rex:''' Forget them, Circe. Come with me. Providence could use you. : '''Circe:''' That's just not my life, Rex. I'm sorry. I did have fun. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We had high hopes for your abilities, Circe. Failure leaves its mark on yet another pretty face. : '''Circe:''' I'm not afraid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Of course not. You're a survivor, like all of us. I understand you made a friend during your trial. I'm pleased. Rex is very important to me, Circe, which makes you very important to me as well. Welcome to the Pack. : (''Circe looks slightly worried, which clearly indicates that she does have real feelings for Rex'') ===Lockdown=== <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex, stop!! :'''Rex:''' Give me one good reason! :'''Holiday:''' Because, Rex...that's my sister. :'''Rex:''' Can I...help? :'''Holiday:''' She's an incurable. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' Restrain it. Carefully. :'''Holiday:''' Thank you. ===The Architect=== :'''Six''': Still no sign of the kid? :'''Holiday''': Not since we lost his biometric readings five days ago. :'''Six''': Was Noah any help? :'''Holiday''': Says he doesn't know where he is either. What is it going to take for Providence to realize that he needs a home, not just a room and a job? We've been pushing him away. :'''Rex''': I build machines and cure EVOs-- the only one in the world who can. Just one cure for that kind of pressure-- road trip. But that doesn't mean "vacation". :'''Build worker''': Whoa! :'''Maxwell''': What in the world is that?! :'''Build worker:''' Oh, no! :''[Both screaming]'' :'''Jacob''': Get away from that cable! Unh! :''[Kate gasps]'' :'''Maxwell''': Hey! :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Kate''': Jacob! :'''Rex''': Nope. A hero's work is never done. You okay? :'''Jacob''': What... are you? :'''Rex''': Here to help. :'''Jacob''': We've got to get that cable back underground. We've been compromised. :'''Kate''': But, Jacob, the EVOs-- :'''Jacob''': We don't have a choice. Everything we've worked for That boy is here for a reason. :'''Rex''': Hey! Pay attention! :'''Providence Agent''': We have a hit in sector 15. :'''Six''': Anyone in the area? :'''Providence Agent''': I show one patrol in the vicinity. Signaling to intercept. Roger that. We're on our way. :'''Rex''': Agh! You want a ride? Vamanos! :'''Jacob''': You can control your nanites? :'''Rex''': People usually start with "thanks," but yeah. :'''Jacob''': You see? This is exactly what the Architect can help us achieve... harmony with the nanites. This boy... sorry... young man Is a miracle. :'''Rex''': I'm not a miracle. I'm just Rex. :'''Jacob''': Well, Rex, you're a blessing to us for what you did here and for showing us that all our work isn't in vain. :'''Rex''': Like imaginary work? :'''Jacob''': Follow us. :'''Providence Agent''': Confirming coordinates. We've lost the EVO signal. Did you take it out? Negative. There's nothing here. Must be another anomalous reading. You can return to post. :'''Rex''': This is awesome! A hidden village. And nobody knows you're out here? Not even Providence? :'''Jacob''': Especially not Providence. :'''Rex''': Really? really. Pshh! Looks like you get pretty good cellphone reception. :'''Jacob''': That tower is gonna change the world, Rex. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I have one for You. Are you hungry? :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! :'''Caleb''': My dad said you fought all those EVOs all by yourself. Were you scared? Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from EVOs? :'''Kate''': Caleb, let him eat. We don't get many visitors. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! What is this? :'''Caleb''': Didn't your mom ever make you meatloaf and mashed potatoes? :'''Rex''': I don't -- I don't know. :'''Kate''': It took me a month and a half to program in the perfect lump-to-mash ratio of the potatoes-- 7.2%! :'''Jacob''': We ate potatoes until they were coming out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I don't see any potatoes in there. :'''Caleb''': They didn't really come out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I could eat these every day. :'''Rex''': Mmm! :'''Caleb''': We have them every friday. :'''Rex''': Then I might just have to stick around until next friday. :'''Kate''': Help yourself to seconds. :'''Jacob''': Or thirds. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! :'''Bobo''': Hmm? :'''Six''': You might think you're doing Rex a favor by covering for him. :'''Bobo''': Get lost. I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Six''': Rex is angry with us. He has every right to be. But that means nothing to White Knight. And he doesn't have the patience we do. :'''Bobo''': Nice try. White won't lay a finger on him. He's too important. :'''Six''': You, however, are somewhat expendable. :'''Bobo''': All right, all right. You made your point. :'''Rex''': I've never seen tech like this... not even at Providence. :'''Jacob''': The Architect has some pretty big ideas. We just make them happen. He'd be very interested to meet you, Rex. :'''Rex''': So what exactly are You doing way out here? :'''Jacob''': Engineers like us weren't very popular after the nanite event. When we met the Architect, he offered us the opportunity to make up for that... to do amazing things. Someday, we'll be able to share This with the world. And then there's this. The Architect has actually discovered a way to communicate with the nanites. :'''Rex''': Are you serious? :'''Jacob''': The possibilities... We could finally live in harmony... maybe even have them help us. :'''Rex''': Then why hide it? The rest of the world would want to know about this stuff. :'''Jacob''': The Architect is something of a perfectionist. Says the world will know as soon as it comes online. :'''Maxwell''': Stinkin' module! :'''Jacob''': Is there a problem, Maxwell? :'''Maxwell''': No matter what I try, I just can't get the interlock servo to engage. :'''Rex''': There. :'''Jacob''': That could have taken us weeks to figure out, and you did it in seconds. :'''Rex''': Eh, no biggie. :'''Jacob''': You really are amazing, Rex. We're so happy to have you with us. :'''The Architect''': Jacob. :'''Jacob''': I was just talking to Rex about you. The Architect. :'''Rex''': How's it going? :'''The Architect''': The power-linkage team is falling behind. We cannot keep having these delays. :'''Jacob''': I'll check in with them. :'''Rex''': Wow. Friendly. :'''Jacob''': I like to think he's smiling on the inside. :'''Rex''': Yeah. I know a guy like that. :'''The Architect''': The visitor could be a problem. Do you wish to have him removed? :'''Zag-RS''': His abilities could advance our progress considerably. And in a matter of days all humans will be gone, including this one: Rex. :'''Six''': I'm at the location the monkey gave me. :'''Holiday''': Well? Is Rex there? :'''Six''': Apparently not. Tell the monkey I want to see him when I get back. Six out. :'''Rex''': That should do it. :'''Maxwell''': Hey, Rex, can you look at this? :'''Rex''': Sure. Let me guess... they all need my help, too. :'''Jacob''': You're quite the popular guy. :'''Rex''': Amazing what a little gratitude will get you. At Providence, they'd just be yelling at me. I mean, I never felt like I really belonged there. Here, it's way different. :'''Jacob''': I know the feeling. The Architect has made all this possible for us. We have a community... a family... thanks to him. The work we do is in part to pay that back. :'''The Architect''': Primary systems are now complete. :'''Zag-RS''': Prepare to take us online. :'''Bobo''': Have a nice trip? Let's get one thing straight, pal. I would never rat out my... Ooh. He's going west. :'''White Knight''': Why is Rex doing this? Doesn't he have a sense of duty? :'''Holiday''': Actually, if you look, he's still doing his job. Here's every false alarm since Rex left... not false alarms, But Rex taking care of EVOs along the way. :'''White Knight''': Why? :'''Holiday''': I don't know. To prove he doesn't need us? :'''Six''': Get the coordinates of the last false alarm and transmit them to my jump jet. :'''Holiday''': Six, if we force him to come back, he'll just run away again. He has to want to be here. It needs to be his decision. :'''Jacob''': It's all coming together, Thanks to you, Rex. :'''Rex''': It's really cool to use my powers to actually build something, instead of just pounding EVOs. Oh, check it out. Even the boss is pitching in. :'''Both''': Huh? :'''Rex''': And that's getting strange looks because-- :'''Jacob''': Because in all these years, we've never seen him lift a finger. :'''Rex''': Taking some initiative... I like that. So, this whole "talking to nanites" thing... how does that work, exactly? I mean, what are you gonna say to them? :'''The Architect''': It doesn't concern you. :'''Rex''': Uh, considering I'm filled with them, it kind of does. How do we know it's not gonna make things even worse? :'''The Architect''': I do not answer to you, child! :'''Jacob''': Rex? Forgive him. He's still not used to the way things work around here. :'''The Architect''': Complete your duties! :'''Rex''': Why do you let him walk all over you like that? Don't you want answers? :'''Jacob''': What we want is a home. Without him, we have nothing... Nothing. We can't just run away from our problems, Rex. Most people can't. Look, this isn't perfect but it's all we've got. Rex, where are you going? :'''Rex''': He never answered my question. :'''Jacob''': That place is off-limits. The Architect has made it very clear to us that we can never go in there. We get this life for that promise. Rex, don't do it! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Jacob''': Rex, please! :'''Rex''': I'm sorry, jacob. I have to know. :'''The Architect''': Rex. The core is off-limits. You would be we to leave at once. :'''Rex''': Not until I get some answers. What is that? :'''The Architect''': No more questions. :'''Rex''': So, it's gonna be like that? Okay, I'll play. Unh! What are you hiding, huh? What does this do? Yah! Yah! Huh? You're a machine? Have you seen what I can do to machines? Agh! :'''Zag-RS''': As you can see, the current range of my signal is rather limited. :'''Rex''': You're the computer. :'''Zag-RS''': My human designation is "Zag-RS". The device you refer to as "The Architect" is my autonomous counterpart. :'''Rex''': What did you just do to me? :'''Zag-RS''': I instructed your nanites to protect me. :'''Rex''': "Instructed"? So you really can talk to them. :'''Zag-RS''': Insidious devices, the nanites. My own potential for greatness has been compromised because of them. They must be eliminated. When the transmitter is integrated into the broadcast array you helped us complete, they will blow themselves up. :'''Rex''': That's what this is for. It's like a big remote control. Every living thing on the planet has nanites in them. It'd kill everything! :'''Zag-RS''': That is of no importance to me... only ensuring my continued survival. :'''Rex''': Well, what about ours? This is all coming down! :'''Zag-RS''': I'm afraid you're too late. :'''Rex''': Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! :'''Jacob''': Rex, what have you done? :'''Rex''': You don't understand! The Architect... it's a robot... And a big honkin' computer "brain" is pulling his strings. :'''Jacob''': This can't be! :'''Rex''': Jacob, you've got to believe me. Just go inside and look. What's left of it is on the floor. :'''Jacob''': I can't go in there. And I don't have to. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Rex''': You're making a big mistake! :'''Maxwell''': You entered his sanctum! This is unforgivable! :'''Rex''': I'm trying to tell you... this isn't what it seems. What you're protecting is a robot, and that thing we've been building is a transmitter. It's gonna send out a kill code to blow up every single nanite on Earth. :'''Maxwell''': He's lying! :'''Jacob''': What would be the point in that, Rex? Every living thing is infected with nanites. It would be catastrophic. :'''Rex''': Right in the middle of that pyramid is a computer, and it doesn't care about you or Kate or Caleb. The better future that you've all been working towards... That's the lie. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you've never been inside that place, that The Architect has never given you a straight answer about anything? :'''Jacob''': All this work it just doesn't make any sense. :'''Rex''': You have two choices... Go in there and prove me wrong or kick me out right now. I'll have Providence here in minutes. :'''Maxwell''': He's bluffing. :'''Rex''': To save every living thing on earth? Try me. :'''Maxwell''': Jacob, you can't! What about our promise? Where will we go? :'''Jacob''': All this time, we've been living in fear, Max. It's time for that to end. :'''The Architect''': You needn't bother. Construction is complete. Your services are no longer required. :'''Rex''': Now do you believe me? :'''The Architect''': Zag-RS thanks you for your hard work. In gratitude, my master has delayed transmission to allow you to say farewell. :'''Jacob''': Farewell, huh? I'll start with you. Can you shut that thing down? :'''Rex''': I don't know. Even without the antenna, it can mess with my nanites. I can't get too close to the computer. :'''Jacob''': Maybe I can. Let's go! :'''Rex''': The brain is right over there. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Jacob''': It's still arging. The A.I. must have retreated behind a firewall. Rex, I have to go cut the power. :'''Holiday''': Six, are you at The location? :'''Six''': Just arrived. :'''Holiday''': I'm picking up a massive power surge in your area. :'''Six''': I'm not seeing anything. :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Six''': Six to holiday. Correction... I'm seeing something. :'''Jacob''': It's still on. Must have charged the capacitors. Figure out a way to short it out... fast! :'''Rex''': Unhhh! :'''Jacob''': You need to find the primary transmitter module. That will kill the broadcast. :'''Rex''': I have no idea what that is. :'''Jacob''': Max, we need to locate the primary module. :'''Maxwell''': Panel 5, just off the relay bus. :'''Jacob''': Top of the tower. You can't miss it. :'''Rex''': Agh! Unh! Why do you have to kill everyone? Can't you just leave us alone? :'''Zag-RS''': Alone is exactly what I want, Rex. :'''Rex''': That kind of alone it stinks. :'''Zag-RS''': N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. :'''Jacob''': It's gone. Must have uploaded to another location. But without anyone to do it's bidding, it's just a program. :'''Rex''': What will you do now? :'''Jacob''': We'll rebuild. The Architect may have been a lie, but what we believe in is true. We don't need him to have a community or a better future. You're welcome to stay. We sure could use someone with your abilities. :'''White Knight''': Well? :'''Six''': He's not here. Bobo's been worried sick. :'''Rex''': rex: Oh, really? :'''Six''': Ratted you out for a pizza. :'''Rex''': Huh. Figures. What about you? Here to drag me back to Providence? :'''Six''': Not this time. Seems like a nice place. :'''Rex''': Yeah. It is. But it's not home. If I'm going back, there are gonna have to be some changes. First, no more curfew. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Second, I want to decide On my missions. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Okay, but there's one change that absolutely has to be made, or I'm through. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Mmm! Mmm! Isn't this great? :'''Bobo''': Mmm. :'''Six''': It's a little dry. :'''Rex''': Mmm. Mm the lump mash ratio is a bit off. :'''Bobo''': You know what? Maybe I'll run away, too... Go somewhere where my cooking is appreciated! :'''Six''': We have to do this every friday? :'''Rex''': Mmm. ===Frostbite=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I'm picking up a problem. You need to return to base immediately. :'''Rex''': I miss you, too, doc. But I'm kinda busy dealing with a problem of my own. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Okay. Ow. Big mistake, tweety. Can that bird brain of yours comprende I'm trying to help you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, your own nanite count is off the charts. If you take on any more nanites, We're looking at an overload. :'''Rex''': Come on, doc. It's just a big birdie. :'''Dr. Holiday''': You're already over capacity. This is critical! Rex! :'''Six''': Rex, you need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at headquarters now. :'''Rex''': Do you really want a supersize pigeon flying loose all over lower Manhattan? You need me, and I can handle it. :'''Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': Unless I make it my call. :'''Dr. Holiday''': (as everyone is fighting) Stop! Need I point out that this isn't the best place for a fight. Anything happens to that storage tank and you'll know why providence made this place so remote. Now let's just talk this out calmly, rationally. :'''Biowulf''': Whatever happens here, Weaver. It's nothing compared to what Van Kleiss would have done to you. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck. (Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': Rex. You need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Agent Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at Headquarters. Now! :'''Rex''': Do you really want a super-sized pigeon flying loose over lower Manhattan. You need me and I handle it. :'''Agent Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': (as he's flying over the Pack in an Arctic storm) Like you're really going to find me when you can't see 2 feet in front of your face... Huh? (Flies into some of Skalamander's shards and crashes) Guess that visibility thing works both ways. :'''Rex''': (To Weaver) So, thanks to you, all this time I've been supplying nanites to Van Kleiss! :'''Rex''': Can't you believe you let these scags get the drop on you. :'''Agent Six''': They tried. It didn't turn out so well. Just haven't found a way to fight xenoflourine gas... yet. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck.(Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': You can't possibly absorb all those nanites! You'd overload in an instant. :'''Rex''': In case you haven't noticed, I have this problem with authority. :'''Rex''': (as Rex is absorbing nanites) Six wait! I can hear them! :'''Doctor Holiday''': (Watching from the ship) What are you waiting for, Six? Take the shot! :'''Rex''': (Speaking mechanically) Build protocol enabled. Command error detected. Abort. Abort. Stand by engaged. (Rex falls. His voice reverts to normal) Take the shot. :'''Agent Six''': He told me he could hear them. :'''Doctor Holiday''': I picked this up during the offload... It's Nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Agent Six''': Seems there are more secrets inside that kid than we realized. :'''Skalamander:''' What's the kid doing here? :'''Biowulf:''' I don't know. This was supposed to be routine. Something's not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends!? :'''Salamander:''' He thinks we've done something. :'''Biowulf:''' Then let him keep thinking. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' You know, the nanites in me can counteract knockout gas! The playing-possum thing's a pretty good trick. Now tell me where my friends are or I start squeezing! <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' He told me he could hear them. :'''Holiday:''' I pulled this off during the offload. It's nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Six:''' Seems like there are more secrets inside that kid than we thought. ===Leader of the Pack=== <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' There couldn't possibly be enough E.V.O. activity to account for these nanite readings. They're off the scale. Looking for Van Kleiss? : '''Rex:''' Circe. I thought I saw her in the blimp. : '''Holiday:''' That's the girl you met in Cabo Luna. : '''Rex:''' She may be with the Pack now, but I think I can still get her to talk to me. You know I can be pretty convincing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Holiday, there! Now let's take this outside! :'''Holiday:''' Rex. : '''Van Kleiss:''' It's quite all right. The determination of youth. I'm sure Circe will be disappointed she couldn't see you, Rex. She's attending to other duties this evening. Now if you will excuse me. : '''Rex:''' Why are you really here!? : '''Van Kleiss:''' The people of Abysus have a great way to offer the world. I'm just in part to make that known. :'''Rex:''' Or maybe 'cause I couldn't come to you, so now you're coming to me! :'''Van Kleiss:''' I admit you are important to me, Rex, but it's not always about you. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? Interesting look. Want to tell me what's going on? : '''Circe:''' Not today. :(''Knocks him out cold with a metal slate. She later looks outside Rex's prison cell and leaves, with a slightly guilty, dejected expression'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Well, thanks for nearly bashing my brains in back there! And what's with the "knocking me out" thing? : '''Circe:''' We just needed to keep you out of the way until all of this was over. : '''Rex:''' ''This!?'' He could destroy the whole city! : '''Circe:''' He's trying to negotiate peace from a position of strength. : '''Rex''' (sarcastically)''':''' Oh, yeah! All this nanite power is just screaming peace. : '''Circe:''' His methods may be aggressive. But he's here to save us...and you. Come on, Rex, jump in with us. The water's fine. : '''Rex:''' I'll think about it ''after'' I've stopped Van Kleiss. : '''Circe:''' It's too late for that now, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We will not be ignored! ''Circe'' understands this. Why don't you respect her judgement? :'''Rex:''' You think you can lure me in with her. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Like a fish to water. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I won! : '''Van Kleiss:''' It seems you have. Your parents would have been so proud. I never had the chance to tell you about them, have I? Perhaps another time. ===Breach=== : '''Rex:''' This is...different. <hr width80%> : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What is Van Kliess up to, Breach! Where did he have you send Rex? : '''Breach:''' Van Kleiss isn't always in charge of me. Sometimes I do what I want; like now. ===Of Love and War=== ===No Strings Attached=== ===Desperate Measures=== ===The E.V.O. Agenda=== ===Dark Passage=== <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Rex? Is that you? :'''Rex:''' You know my name. :'''Dr. Rylandar:''' Of course I do! I gave it to you! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' I can't believe you're alive. What a stroke of luck. :'''Rex:''' Dad? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You've lost your memory, have you? not surprising, considering what you've been through. Oh. Sorry to disappoint you, Rex. I'm afraid I'm not who you want me to be. :'''Rex:''' Oh. So if you're not my dad, do you know where he is? Oh, well. Rex Rylander is a goofy name, anyway. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander, I've got to know. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You must understand. It was never about power or greed. It was able changing the world, saving mankind from disease and starvation. And we would have succeeded until ''they'' got involved. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Rylander:''' The nanites were incomplete. The incident spread them across the globe before we could finish their final programming. Except for you. Yours were from a different batch, the very first actually. All those innocent victims. :'''Rex:''' If you feel so bad about it, why have you been attacking more people? :'''Rylander:''' Hmm. "The chosen few." Those men and women, Rex, are far from innocent. While they hide in their office towers and gated estates, I've been here trying to set things right, to find a cure for what we created. I've begged for more funding. :'''Rex:''' Wait! Everyone you attacked- They all worked on the Nanite Project? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' They commissioned it. I merely wished to send them a warning to see what would happen if they refused to help finish the good work we started. And it was good, Rex. ''You're'' living proof that we were doing the right thing. :'''Rex''' (''indignant'')''':''' By turning me into an E.V.O.!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You had an accident. The nanites were your only hope. It was tremendous gamble. The...unexpected side affects name later. It was surprise to all of us. Oh. The look on your brother's face... :'''Rex:''' Brother? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' When the Event occurred, it was your powers that saved you both. Most of the others, they weren't so lucky. :'''Rex''' (''to himself'')''':''' I'm not alone. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Oh, here. I have something for you. :(''Injects the mighty and all-powerful Omega Nanite into his system'') :'''Rex:''' Ow. <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The force-field must be failing. :'''Rex:''' Forget the force-field! What did you just inject me with!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[[w:Omnipotence |Everything]]''. :'''Rex:''' ''Enough, okay!? Do you have any idea what's been like!? Not knowing who I am!? If my family's dead or alive!? Quite with the mad scientist act and give me some answers!!'' :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Forgive me, Rex. I been so consumed with my own guilt I didn't consider what you must be going through. The truth is- :'''Van Kleiss:''' Truth, Doctor? You wouldn't know the first thing about it. Nor loyalty for that matter. How many times must I tell you this, Rex? The answers you so desperately seek lie with me. And as for you, Doctor, consider our past disagreement settled. I look forward to continuing our research...alone. This was unavoidable, Rex. The longer you resist me, the more people get hurt. Rylander has always been on borrowed time. All of this belongs to me now. Destroy me and you lose everything. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' No. I didn't see what happened, but according to Rex, Van Kleiss has been eliminated. Rylander's experiment is a total loss. :'''Holiday:''' All of this for nothing. I'm sorry, Rex. :'''Rex:''' It wasn't for nothing, Doc. I've got a brother. Out there- somewhere. Finally! I started to get some real answers. I feel closer to the truth than ever. ===The Forgotten=== :'''Six:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' It's like I'm hearing through my nanites. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' You are not the Before. :'''Rex:''' I'm not sure that was a complete sentence back then. :'''No-Face:''' ''They'' are the Before! The Before forgot us. The Before left us in pain. <hr width80%> ===Operation: Wingman=== :'''Annie:''' "Do you have a girlfriend?" :'''Rex:''' "It's complicated. She's in league with an evil dictator who wants me dead." :'''Annie:''' "Yeah. My dad's always worried about me dating, too." <hr width80%> ===Rabble=== :'''Quarry''': Come on, Rex. (''holds up Rex's journal'') We both know this is what you really want. So go ahead take it. Walk away. Show them who you really are. You were always very good a taking care of yourself. Why should now be any different? :'''Rex''': (''Cuts his journal in two'') Whoever I was back then, is not who I am now. Not anymore. :'''Quarry''': Your choice. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': It's over, Quarry! You lose! <hr width80%> : '''Sqywwd:''' I hope you don't expect us to thank you. : '''Rex:''' No. Providence won't bother you unless you do something stupid. : '''Cricket:''' We'll be fine. Thank you, Rex. :(''Kisses him on the check'') : '''Tuck:''' Don't forget about us, Okay? : '''Rex:''' That may be a promise I can't keep. (''Flies off on his Boogie Pack'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' It's going to happen again, isn't it? I'm going to blank out. How long do I have? : '''Holiday:''' I don't know, Rex. It's likely triggered by a specific event; something traumatic. ===The Hunter=== ===Gravity=== ===What Lies Beneath=== : '''Circe:''' Rex, it's me. : '''Rex:''' Circe? What do ''you'' want!? : '''Circe:''' Things in Abysus- they're bad, Rex. I need your help. : '''Rex:''' Oh, well, how do I put this nicely? Not a chance! You made your choice, Circe! I made mine. End of story. : '''Circe:''' Please, Rex. I know you're mad at me, but this is a matter of life and death. : '''Rex:''' A lot of things are right now. Nice talking to you. : '''Circe:''' Rex!? : (''Looks crestfallen'') <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I didn't know you were still in touch with Circe. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, me neither. Can we please stop talking about this? <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' She's very pretty. : '''Rex:''' She works for Van Kleiss. She's the enemy. : '''Holiday:''' But you still like her, don't you? : '''Rex:''' I am ''not'' talking about this! <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Rex, thank you. : '''Rex:''' I'm not doing this for you. But...your welcome. (''Circe similes hopefully'') So what exactly am I supposed to do? :'''Holiday:''' When I said you were the key, I meant that literally. According to the plans, the machine needs to be turned on by a molecular level. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' You ''lied'' to me!! : '''Circe:''' You wouldn't have come if I told you the truth. : '''Rex:''' This wasn't about you needing ''me''!! This is about you needing Van Kleiss!! : '''Circe:''' I need you both. Please, Rex, you don't understand. : '''Rex:''' No!! ''You'' don't understand!! Van Kleiss is gone and I intend to keep it that way!! : '''Biowulf:''' You destroyed us all!! : '''Six:''' Don't even breathe. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You don't know what you've done. : '''Rex:''' Then, I guess we're even. : '''Circe:''' You've never understood his power. Van Kleiss kept us safe here. His force was the only thing keeping Abysus together, and you destroyed that. : '''Rex:''' We're done here!! : '''Holiday:''' Rex, I think she's right. Nanites operate on a molecular level. If they bonded with Van Kleiss, breaking off his connection must have caused a splinter; resulting in a disastrous chain reaction. : '''Rex:''' I'm ''not'' bringing him back! ''Not now, not ever!!'' Besides, you don't need Van Kleiss! You have me!! Why not go straight to the source?! :'''Holiday:''' Rex, no! :'''Six:''' Stand down! It's too dangerous! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Let go of me!! : '''Holiday:''' If you keep fighting these unstable nanites, they're going to destroy you! : '''Rex:''' And if I don't they'll destroy everybody else. : '''Holiday:''' Not if you listen to me! I have an idea. It's a long shot. Instead of fighting the nanites, ''communicate'' with them. : '''Six:''' You want to talk to the nanites? : '''Holiday:''' He's done it before. : '''Rex:''' Never anything this big. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I got you! Don't let go!! (''Rex struggles to save Circe from falling as she clings to him; tears fill her eyes''). ''Circe!!'' (''as she falls into the black goop of highly unstable nanites'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' ''Circe!'' Six! Dr. Holiday! Okay, you win. (''technopathically starts the machine''). Something's...not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Circe! Come on, breathe! : '''Circe''' (''coughs weakly'')''':''' Hey. : '''Rex:''' Hey. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Stay with us, Circe. Van Kleiss is done. : '''Circe:''' As much as I care about you, Rex, Van Kleiss and the Pack are my family. They took me in when no one else would. I can't abandon them. : '''Rex:''' So that's it. We're always going to be on opposite sides. : '''Circe:''' It does keep it interesting. ===The Swarm=== :'''Rex''' (thinking'')''':''' ''Gotta stay under. Not sure I can...make it. :(''Has visions of those most dear to him: Noah, his crush Circe, Holiday, Six, Bobo) ===Basic=== ===The Plague=== ===Promises, Promises=== :''Note:'' This episode depicts how young Rex had joined Providence via Six's [[w:flashback episode|memories]]. <hr width80%> :''[Six narrates over imagery of the Nanite Event.]'' :'''Six:''' The names and faces may change, but no matter how you slice it, war is war. You pick a side and you don’t look back. I believe that now and I believed it then. What gets you in trouble is when you start second guessing. Forget what you’re fighting for and you’re finished. :'''Diane Farrah:''' ''[Panicked screaming is heard in the background of an EVO attack]'' There’s another entity has emerged, this time in the heart of Paris. Authorities are vastly unprepared. Unless a decisive response to this pandemic is marshalled, the city will fall just as Kiev— ''[Diane Farrah gets snatched by the EVO’s web]'' :''[A Providence assault vehicle rams through police cars, from which Six appears and deals with the EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Save some for me partner! How else am I gonna earn my paycheck? :''[Knight fires off a weapon and the scene cuts to present day at Providence Headquarters.]'' :'''Providence Agents:''' Surprise! :'''Rex:''' So, the flu shots? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I needed an excuse to get you here. We’ll do them after cake. I’ll get you Van Kleiss! ''[Holiday swings at a pinata blindfolded before Rex crushes it with his smack hands]'' :'''Rex:''' Sorry, Doc, it was taking too long. And it was either that or throw some of your cake at it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday walks over to Six at a corner, passing him a drink]'' You’re looking festive. :'''Six:''' It was an odd choice to pick today to be his birthday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It is the anniversary of his new life here. He deserves a celebration, he changed everything. :'''Six:''' Has he? :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex jumps onto a counter, speaking to the agents surrounding him]'' Ha-hah! How about hitting The Petting Zoo for a little pin-the-tail on the raging “Rhinocesaurus”? :'''Dr. Holiday and Six:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Every party has a pooper. And I got two. :'''Providence Agents:''' ''[Providence Agents turn off the lights and bring Rex a birthday cake]'' Happy Birthday! :'''Rex:''' Dudes! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You should be celebrating too, Six! After all, you’re the one who started this. In a way, it’s your birthday too. :''[Flashback to Six and Knight walking through the Petting Zoo during construction of Providence HQ.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Nyquist. Fortier. How’s the monkey business? :'''Nyquist:''' Ha ha-larious, Knight. :'''Fortier:''' Hey, for your information we probably saved the world today. :'''White Knight:''' I, for one, feel safer already. ''[Knight states, looking at Bobo while Six walks towards his cage]'' :'''Bobo:''' So, green man. We meet again! :'''Calan:''' They found him at the Kremlin this time. He was threatening to push the button unless someone brought him a thousand pounds of caviar. :'''Bobo:''' Chimp’s gotta eat. :'''Fortier:''' What about your little bug hunt? Give you much trouble? :'''White Knight:''' Nothing we couldn’t handle. :''[The EVO is transported in a cage overhead while Knight and Six walk through a hallway.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What? Not even a smile? Oh by the way, happy birthday. ''[Knight passes Six a gift]'' :'''Six:''' How did you know? :'''White Knight:''' I’m your partner. Can’t keep much from me. :'''Six:''' Thanks. :'''White Knight:''' So what crawled up your coat? :'''Six:''' I’m getting tired of all this fighting. Did you see how many there are now? Are we gonna cage the whole world? :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight turns around, placing a hand on Six's shoulder]'' We’re preserving the human race. ''[The door to the processing facility opens]'' Besides, who says we’re gonna cage them all? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Looking at the EVO]'' And to think, this was once spinning webs in someone’s garden. Doctor Holiday, prepare for disassembly. ''[Doctor Holiday nods and activates the procedure as per his instructions. Doctor Fell sports a wicked smile during the experiment before it disintegrates the EVO without a trace]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It’s the same exact data as last time, and the time before that; Doctor Fell, why aren’t we studying them in a natural setting? :'''Dr. Fell:''' Only through molecular dissection will we find a way to expunge this threat. The committee agrees with me on this. If you do not approve, I can always find another assistant. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Doctor Holiday leaves the facility in frustration with Doctor Fell]'' Bleeding hearts. They’ll get us all killed one day. :''[Holiday walks down a hallway and drops several notes, one of which Six picks up.]'' :'''Six:''' EVO? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Exponentially Variegated Organism; a little more scientific than spoiled meat. That is what you hired guns call them isn’t it? :'''Six:''' It's Six, and I don't use guns. You told Fell we could learn more by bringing them in alive. What did you mean? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites are altering our DNA, but with the right type of research, there's no doubt they could be programmed to stop or reverse the process. Imagine a third option to this, kill-or-Contain protocol. :'''Six:''' A third option? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A cure. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight and several other Providence agents run past Holiday after an alarm activates]'' Buckle up partner! Looks like we got ourselves a big one. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hopeless. :''[Providence mercenaries arrive at Mexico to confront the giant mechanical EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What are we looking at? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Fascinating. It appears to be bio-mechanical. I must have a closer look at this one. :'''White Knight:''' One for the trophy case. :'''Six:''' Wait. We may get more out of this one if we bring it in alive! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Fell:''' You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Six. With what we gleam from this boy, I could create tools that could inoculate the world. :'''Six:''' Why risk it? He can already cure them! I've seen it! :'''White Knight:''' So, what, we train him? Make him one of us? <hr width80%> :'''Knight:''' We're supposed to be friends! He's a monster! What do you see in him!? :'''Six:''' Hope. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Thanks for talking some sense into him, Doc. ''[Knight picks up Six’s katana and walks toward Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' What...what’s happening to me? ''[Rex pleas to Knight, who simply looks down at him before warning sirens go off and the facility begins to lockdown]'' :'''Dr. Fell:''' We’re all going to burn. ''[Fell escapes while Rex is craned away by Holiday on an upper level]'' :'''White Knight:''' No! ''[Knight looks back at Six who is slowly picking himself up while the remaining exits close off. In a last ditch effort, Knight carries Six and throws him through the final set of doors before they seal shut]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Six picks himself and slams his fist against the glass]'' Why? :'''White Knight:''' I know what side I’m on. ''[Knight proudly states before getting consumed by a blinding white light and screaming in agony]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Grabbing a hold of Dr. Fell's collar Six shouts]'' Do something! :'''Dr. Fell:''' Once the cycle starts it's impossible to shut down. :'''Rex:''' ''[Contrary to Dr. Fell's statement, the light fades away and the electricity is subdued after Rex interfaces with a control panel]'' Impossible? Psh, right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you—-? :'''Rex:''' Told it to turn off. And it did! Wait, where...where am I? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Doctor Holiday. Maybe you were right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Maybe you should start looking for another job. :'''Bobo:''' ''[Within the processing chamber, Knight takes a few steps forward before collapsing]'' Hey marshmallow! Nice look! ''[Knight looks back up at Bobo with his signature bleached appearance]'' :''[Some time later, in his office White Knight speaks to Six through a monitor.]'' :'''White Knight:''' How’s the training? :'''Six:''' Slow. :'''White Knight:''' Not all you hoped he’d be? ''[Rex and Bobo topple each other in a play fight while Knight continues to monologue in his office]'' Still, who would’ve thought the kinder, gentler approach would do such wonders for our profile. The notion of a cure has gotten Providence funding, and worldwide prestige. The committee's happy. Your new partner may just be the best thing this operation could have asked for. Funny, isn’t it? Because of you I can never leave this chamber. I’m now the only pure human left in the world. And the perfect poster boy to run this operation. I suppose I should thank you. :'''Six:''' I promised him that we would help uncover his past; find his family. :'''White Knight:''' Whatever keeps him on his leash. But if he shows the slightest sign of turning into thing again, it's all on you. :''[Back at the party in the present, Noah is pinned down by Bobo with a bag on his head to Rex’s amusement.]'' :'''Rex:''' Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my—hold him down, I’ll get the camera! ''[Rex runs to his room, and after a quick search he instead finds a long box on a corner shelf]'' :'''Six:''' Happy birthday. ''[Six walks into his room, officially greeting Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' From you? For me? You gotta be kidding. :'''Six:''' You, your work. It has made a real difference. I just—- :'''Rex:''' Yeah, I know I’m pretty great! But seriously get off the sap train, Six. It’s creeping me out. ''[Rex opens the gift to reveal the blade inside]'' Wow, Six! Thank you! :'''Six:''' It’s called a tanto. It’s the ceremonial blade of a samurai warrior. :'''Rex:''' Samurai? Awesome. :'''Six:''' ''[Six unsheathes his own tanto and holds it against Rex’s]'' This is its twin. :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex removes the cap from his tanto and squints at the symbol etched into the blade]'' Is that...writing? :'''Six:''' Bushido symbol of loyalty. It means whether for good or ill, our fates will follow the same path. This one stays with me. :'''Rex:''' Think this thing can cut through Holiday’s chocolate cake? :'''Six:''' ''[Six raises an eyebrow]'' Anything’s possible. :''[Rex puts the cap back on to the blade and camera cuts to outside of Providence headquarters, panning outward until screen fades to black.]'' ===Badlands=== :'''Gatlocke:''' Do you like rules? :'''Rex:''' Can't say I do. <hr width80%> :'''Gatlocke:''' Feel that? It's quilted. This is the good kind. But I won't be able to really enjoy in ''until I have those nanites!'' <hr width80%> ===Out of the Dark=== :''Note'': Rex's love interest and sweetheart Circe appears in a vision. ===Payback=== :''[In the realm of Abysus]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Humiliated... De-powered... All but destroyed. Hardly the new world I set out to build, is it? :'''Biowulf:''' Master, a spy has made contact. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well? :'''Providence Spy:''' Everything is in place. :'''Van Kleiss:''' And the boy? :'''Providence Spy:''' He's here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[to his loyal followers]'' Soon our greatest enemy will be buried! Providence itself will be destroyed. And we'll have Rex to thank. :'''Rex:''' Come on! Who's gonna know? :'''Noah:''' Yeah. It would only be for a minute or two. :'''Calan:''' You actually want me to let you fly the keep? :''[Calan sighs]'' :'''Calan:''' Only until the next course change. And nothing fancy. :'''Rex:''' All right, let's see what this baby can really do! Why, it wasn't me! Seriously! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Providence Spies:''' Aah! :'''White Knight:''' Calan, what's your status? :'''Calan:''' Came from out of nowhere. We're being boarded. Scramble all jump jets. Mobilize for a counter-offensive. :'''White Knight:''' This is a coordinated attack. Every major Providence outpost around the globe has been hit. :'''Six:''' So far they've steered clear of headquarters. I'm on route to the keep now. :'''Rex:''' Are they really that stupid? Attacking the keep with me on board? This should only take a minute. :'''Noah:''' Wait up! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find Rex. It goes without saying "alive" would be ideal. Take the ship. :'''Providence Spy:''' Some kind of power surge. We're losing control of the helm! :'''Calan:''' Find out where it's coming from. Doc, if you'll excuse me-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six? :'''Six:''' Five minutes out. Prepare for an evac. I'm getting you off the ship. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Again with the Smack Hands? You always open with that move. Change it up a little! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Bobo:''' You see what you get? That's what happens when you interrupt my nap-- Bobo gets cranky! :'''Rex:''' I learned that the hard way, too. :'''Calan:''' All hands-- We've got intruders on deck four, five, and six. Get'em off our ship! :'''Rex:''' Go! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Attention, Providence. The ship is ours. :'''Rex:''' Ugh! Not even close, Van Kleiss! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Lay down your weapons, and your lives will be spared. Continue to resist and nothing survives. :'''Rex:''' You've made I made some lame-o moves before, Van Kleiss, but this one-- classic. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Seems you may have run out of tricks. Oh, you had to know it would only be a matter of time. I've had a fair amount of time on my hands these days. ''[Restrains Rex with his gauntlet]'' :'''Rex:''' Aaaaah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You took something very precious from me, Rex, and now I'll be returning the favor. :'''Rex:''' If you want my monkey, you can forget it. :''[Van Kleiss starts draining nanites from Rex, causing him to squirm and scream in pain.]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It might come as a surprise that when you stole the nanites that gave my power, you left some of your behind-- Enough to tell me a few of what makes you tick. :''[Rex tries to summon a build, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ungh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'll find that using your powers will be something of a challenge. The nanites that you so special belong to me now. :'''Biowulf:''' What shall I do with him, master? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I have everything I need from him. I could care less. Secure the rest of the ship. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on! Do you really think throwing me out that hatch is the best way to get rid of me? Wouldn't it be more fun to throw me in a cage, tie me down in front of a laser? :'''Biowulf:''' No! :'''Rex:''' Aaaaaaaah! Wh-o-o-o-o-oa! :'''Noah:''' What is he doing? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This is no time to fool around, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Happened to notice that ground coming up on his, doc? If you don't do something fast, I'm about to become part of it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, are you okay? :'''Rex:''' I think we may have a problem. :'''White Knight:''' What do you mean "they have the keep"?! Blow it up! :'''Six:''' We tried. The remote-destruct sequence has been disabled. Van Kleiss has complete control of it. :'''White Knight:''' Give me some good news. :'''Six:''' We know where it's heading. Here. :'''Biowulf:''' This is the commanding officer. We found him attempting to destroy this ship. :'''Calan:''' What's your game, Van Kleiss? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, a very good question-- One that depends entirely on what happens next, Captain. It seems my powers have made a slight... change. :'''Rex:''' Well? They're gone, aren't they? Van Kleiss took all my active nanites. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. I found this. Definitely a nanite, but it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Molecular scans seems to indicate it's some kind of control-nanite. :'''Rex:''' But with nothing to control. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With a large enough concentration of nanites, we might be able to jump-start it. But even with that, there's no guarantee it would replicate or even give you back the same abilities. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I hate to say it, but this one has me stumped. :'''Rex:''' Great. Loving this. :'''White Knight:''' If you're finished with the lost cause, we've got a bigger problem. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, how is this possible? :'''Van Kleiss:''' It would seem Rex's nanites have an opposite effect on me. He cured EVOs. Now I create them. Full ahead-- Ramming speed! Once we're through, we'll destroy Providence from the inside out. :'''White Knight:''' Lock it down! I want hallways cleared and critical sections defended. They will not take this base. :'''Rex:''' Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go stop them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you're in no condition to fight. :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you expect me to do-- Hide? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Whatever it takes. That nanite inside you might be able to bring you back, but it's going to take me time to figure out how. And that's not something we have a lot of right now. :'''Rex:''' Wow. Nice outfit. :'''Noah:''' Got one for you, too. You get to armor up like the rest of us normals. :'''Rex:''' Come on. :'''Bobo:''' All right, where to? :'''Rex:''' South Pacific. :'''Bobo:''' That's my boy. And here I thought you'd try to pull some hero stunt. Oh, brother. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want the White Knight. Find where he's hiding and bring him to me. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That should be everything, as long as the offsite backup holds. :'''Six:''' Don't let it get to that. :'''Noah:''' This is a strange place for a base. :'''Rex:''' When I have too many nanites in me, this is where I go to offload. :'''Bobo:''' Think of it as a nanite porta-potty. :'''Noah:''' Thanks... For that image, Bobo. So, we just put some of these nanites in you, and we're good to go? :'''Rex:''' No. They're inactive. Or at least stripped of their programming. Since I can't control them, I just have to hope that whatever this thing is inside me can't. :'''Noah:''' So... What happens if it can't? :'''Bobo:''' Let me put it this way-- The last guy who went swimmin' in that soup ended up a 50-foot freak show. :'''White Knight:''' Listen to me carrefully, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'd rather not. :'''White Knight:''' Where are they? :'''Six:''' The inner perimeter has been compromised. They're coming. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Skalamander roars]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Open it. :'''Rex:''' Okay. Bobo, set the thing to "vent" and go. If this doesn't work, I don't want you getting caught in the blast. :'''Bobo:''' No. :'''Noah:''' Forget it. Rex, at least think about his for a sec. What if it wipes your memory? What it turns you into some evil monster? :'''Rex:''' My friends need me. There's nothing more to think about. Bobo, do it. :'''Bobo:''' Long odds, pay big. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Six:''' You've overstayed your welcome. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, here's someone who would make a nice addition to our EVO ranks. :'''Six:''' Go ahead and try. Ugh! :''[Six groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Trying to do my job for me, Six? Here's a thought-- When your top henchman can't even get rid of someone by throwing him out of a moving plane, time to rethink the help. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You are determined-- I'll give you that. If it's what you prefer, I'll finish you myself. :'''Rex:''' Maybe. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Cool! :'''Bobo:''' See? I told you it would work. :'''Six:''' This is an unexpected surprise. :'''Rex:''' Well, by now, you should expect the unexpected from me, Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Bobo:''' Not anymore. :'''Noah:''' You think there might be more of them? :'''Bobo:''' Eh... Probably. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Aaaaaaah! :'''White Knight:''' I use that electromagnet to trap stray nanites. You're lucky it's on the lowest setting. Any higher, and it would rip the nanites right out of your body. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Then why don't you? :'''White Knight:''' Because then I wouldn't be able to do this. :'''Skalamander:''' No one can help you. You're all alone now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. We still have my sister. :''[Skalamander grunting]'' :''[Rex and Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Aaaaah! :'''Rex:''' No way! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :'''Rex:''' Once again, epic fail. I'll take my nanites back now. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Noah:''' Rex, wait! :'''Bobo:''' Van Kleiss left behind a few presents. :'''Rex:''' No time to look everywhere. I'm shutting everything down. :'''Noah:''' You can do that? :'''Rex:''' Don't know. Never tried. Anything else? No? :'''Calan:''' Whew! I never want to do that again. No, sir. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Amazing. :'''Rex:''' Why, thank you. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I was talking about the nanites. That was a risky move, Rex, but it worked. As far as I can tell, you're back to your old self. :'''Rex:''' I don't know. Something feels different. That new build-- I think I can do even more. It's like I can see the blueprints. I just need to figure out how to put it all together. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight in person. Never thought I'd see the day. :'''White Knight:''' Well, don't get used to it. We found all the explosives. The base and the keep will need extensive repairs. This was not our finest hour. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? We kicked butt! So what if Van Kleiss is back and more powerful than ever? So am I! If he wants a nanite war, let him bring it! :''[White Knight laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' It's good to have your back, Rex. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You know, I think he actually means it. :'''Rex:''' Sure he does. So, tell me something, guys-- What's next? ==Season Two (2011)== ===Rampage=== <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I'll give you the recap. Thanks to these microscopic machines called nanites, I can build cool gear out of my body. I'm what's called an EVO. But most evo's aren't lucky like me. They usually look like this. ''[laughing]'' I know what you're thinking. And they smell bad, too. There's one other thing I can do that makes me even more special. Some EVOs, I can cure. That's why I work for Providence. We're the people you call when an evo is tearing up your lawn or attacking a city. And the worst of them is this guy... Van Kleiss. The last time we fought, things got a little out of hand. I'll admit it... we pretty much got our tails handed to us. He steals the key, wrecks headquarters, hijacks my nanite to get back the powers I took away from him. And now he can actually make people into EVOs. Then, to top it off, he has his dog boy Biowulf throw me, overboard at 6,000 feet. Not that anyone's keeping score. Sure, Van Kleiss may be back, but so am I. So what if he can make EVOs? I can still cure them. He may have new powers, but guess what... I do, too. Ever since my powers came back, I've got the ability to make amazing new machines. Now I just have to figure out how to build more. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' If you're trying to check up on me, Six, the answer's still a big fat... ''[imitates buzzer]'' I can't figure out how to make this new build. :'''Six:''' It might take some time, but you'll get it. :'''Rex:''' And meanwhile, Van Kleiss is out there doing who knows what. I wish they'd hurry up and get the H.Q. Rebuilt. You're not still living out of your jump jet like some ninja hobo, are you? :'''Six:''' My temporary accommodations are perfectly adequate. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Still living in the jet. ''[Groans]'' I hate being kicked out of our house. Although, as long as they're building stuff, I need a hot tub. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "I was wondering when you and your hair would show up again, Van Kleiss." :'''Van Kleiss:''' Back to your old self again, I see. And how are those new abilities developing?" :'''Rex:''' Just fine. Thanks for asking." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Don't you have anything better to do with your life then come after me all the time?" :'''Van Kleiss:''' "Funny you should ask." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Doc? How are those biometrics looking now? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Give it a try. :'''Rex:''' Ah, yeah! It's about time! Machines work. I just hope the important part does. :'''Noah:''' What just happened? :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? :'''Noah:''' It all kind of hazy. I mostly remember the feeling of... Fun. And I remember you punching me in the face. :'''Rex:''' Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to eat me. Come on. We've got a rat to catch. Why so happy? Is this the part where breach shows up and rescues you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, no. This is the part where she takes your inadequately guarded fuel core. :'''Six:''' Six to post, what's your status? Six to post. :'''Rex:''' Another decoy? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I should share some of the credit with your friend over here. He played the part to perfection. :'''Noah:''' Gee, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, this would be the part where Breach shows up. :'''Noah:''' I can't believe I did all this. Sounds like I had the time of my life. :'''Rex:''' ''[laughing]'' It almost became your life. Sorry about that. :'''Noah:''' Are you kidding? Just knowing I was a rampaging evo is cool. I wish I could have remembered at least some of it. :'''Rex:''' It's probably all over the news if you want a replay... At least until you stepped on the news van. :'''Noah:''' Well... ''[Exhales sharply]'' Guess it's back to quadratic equations. :'''Rex:''' I have no idea what those are. I've got somewhere I need to be. See you later. I know. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't care if it's a construction zone. I'm moving back. :'''Six:''' It's all right. Turns out you're not the only one who feels that way. You'll get used to the cold showers. Food, you're on your own. From the top? :'''Rex:''' From the top. :'''Six:''' What were you trying to build, anyway? :'''Rex:''' A water jet. Oh, by the way, I need a new cellphone. :'''Six:''' Yes? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' It's after my glasses again. :'''Six:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' This time I am serious. Now, when are you going to send someone out here? :'''Six:''' Ma'am, I'm... :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' Do you even work for Providence? :'''Six:''' Yes, I work for Providence. :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' What kind of a flimflam outfit is this? :'''Six:''' How did you get this number? ===Wasteland=== ===Tough Love=== ===The Lost Weekend=== :'''Kenwyn:''' What did you to Skwydd? :'''Mouse:''' Just shedding a light light on how dangerous his kind can be. :'''Rex:''' By juicing his powers? What were you thinking? :'''Mouse:''' Most inorganic material explodes when given that kind of molecular jolt, but not not nanites. They convert the energy into power that amplifies an E.V.O.'s abilities to tremendously uncontrollable levels. ===Star-Crossed=== ===Alliance=== :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' And he brought his Pack flunkies. Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach. Circe? Gotta hurry. Their headed straight for... someplace else. Gonna find out where. <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex why aren't you fixing that shield regulator? :'''Rex:''' Hint. You may remember him from such schemes as destroying Providence headquarters, and trying to take over the entire Earth. :'''Holiday:''' Van Kliess, in there? You're right. You should investigate after you fix the shield. :'''Rex:''' Then it might be too late. :'''Holiday:''' She's there, isn't she? :'''Rex:''' Who? Breach? Yeah, but... :'''Holiday:''' A quick recon and that's it. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Intriguing. An entire urban branch of EVO. development. :'''Biowulf:''' This place is a waste of our time. :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss knows what he's doing. It's not your place to question. :'''Biowulf:''' Question?! You dare accuse me of disloyalty?! :'''Circe:''' Sorry. Get a grip! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You're right, you know. We should be down there with him. What is he up to anyway? :'''Biowulf:''' I do not know. :'''Circe:''' You don't know? I thought he trusted you with everything. :'''Biowulf:''' Of course he does! He just-- :'''Rex:''' Hey! Easy on the stealth suit, which apparently, isn't so stealthy. <hr width80%> :'''NoFace:''' Invaders have come before. They brought only pain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' It is a pain we both share. The same Providence outsides attacked my lands, destroyed my army. :'''NoFace:''' There was one who tormented us, humiliated us. The grower of machines. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ah, Rex. Another thorn we share. My proposal is simple: You control a formidable legion. I, in turn, can provide the escape and the vengeance you seek. I can be your liberator. You can be my general. Together we will crush our enemies, starting with the one you hate most. Now are we-- :'''Biowulf:''' Master, I have a report. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[irritated]'' This is a private conversation. Can't you handle the sightest detail without bothering me? :'''Biowulf:''' Of course, Master. It was nothing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Here comes the moment when our brave hero sweeps the girl of her feet! Literally! :'''Biowulf:''' Don't let him. :'''Circe:''' Hey! Let-- :'''Rex:''' ''[flies off with Circe in his arms]''' See you around, henchie! :'''Biowulf:''' ''[to Skalamander]'' Follow them. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Down, now! :'''Rex:''' Not till we hear each other out! :'''Circe:''' Sure! I'll go first. :''[Breaks the Bogie Pack with a hypersonic burst, causing them to fall]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, great. Way to go, Circe. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' Our hero pursues the girl of his dreams, heedless of her attempts to break his heart... along with the rest of him. Circe, just one minute, okay? Look-No powers! :'''Circe:''' One minute! But if this is about leaving the Pack-- :'''Rex:''' Please. I'm way past that. There are bigger things going here than who you hang out with. :'''Circe:''' Fifty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I wasn't sent here to spy on you. I'm here to stop these things from ever getting out. :'''Circe:''' Forty! Why are you telling me this? You know who I am! :'''Rex:''' You've seen the things that live here. Whatever deal you think Van Kleiss is making, it's going to turn out bad for everyone. :'''Circe:''' Thirty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I do know who you are, Circe. Just for once think for yourself. Maybe your perfect leader could actually be wrong, maybe even a bit crazy, nuts, certifiably insane! : '''Circe:''' Shut up! Twenty! Talk about blinded. Did you ever wonder why Van Kleiss is so interested in you? :'''Rex:''' Oh, I don't know. Maybe he wants me dead? :'''Circe:''' Not anymore. Something has changed, Rex. Ever since you got your powers back, I hear him talking. Saying you have something that's the key to everything. For whatever reason, he needs you alive. I know it, Rex. He'd never let you be killed. :'''Rex:''' Never, huh? :'''Circe:''' Time's up! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Now this looks like a party. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rex, you never cease to amaze me. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' Defiler! Give him to us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now do you believe I can deliver what I say? Will yoh agree to my leadership? :'''No-Face:''' We agree to it! Give him to us! Now! Now! Now! :'''Circe:''' ''[very shocked]''' Van Kleiss, I didn't bring Rex here so that you could-- He'll kill him! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Never forget how I found you, Circe. What you were... before. He's yours. :''[Tears well up in Circe's eyes; thoroughly horrified that her master would calmly allow Rex's life to be put at risk]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[weakly]''' Is this what you wanted? :''[Collapses from his inquiries, causing Circe to open her eyes]'' :'''Circe''' ''[tearful, pleading]'': Stop this! Please! You need him alive! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Alive, yes. Heart pumping, lungs breathing, but his mind? The less there's left of that, the better. Circe, I warn you: Lift so much as a finger to help him, and you're finished! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You, Biowulf, even me. We're all just means to an end for him. He doesn't really care for any of us. :'''Rex:''' So you finally figured that out. Better late than never, I guess. :'''Circe:''' It's not too late! Not if I have anything to say about it! :''[Extends her fleshly and grotesque EVOs mouth]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! Whoa! There are some of us who might not like the sound of whatever you're about to do! :'''Circe:''' I'll adjust the frequency to exclude friendly EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Does that include me? :'''Circe:''' For now. :''[Uses her melodious, hypnotic singing to call back the EVOs escaping]'' :'''Rex:''' I thought you said you could filter it. :'''Circe:''' It's not an exact science. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss. :'''Rex:''' Breach'll get him out... eventually. But right now he's in there, you're out here. You don't have a better opportunity to consider your options. :''[Notice the two of them holding hands and let go, blushing]'' :'''Bobo:''' What is it stealing from our own people that's so dang satisfying? :'''Circe:''' You forget to remove the tracker. I'm not going to Providence. :'''Rex:''' Doesn't matter where you go. All that matters is that you want to go there. That said. I hear Hong Kong's nice this time of year. ===Robo Bobo=== ===Divide By Six=== :'''One''': ''[Speaking through Rex]'' Six. :'''Six''': One? :'''One''': You left this place, quit life as a mercenary and so rarely returned to visit. :'''Six''': I did what I felt was right, I never meant to dishonor. :'''One''': So rarely, that I never had time to tell you how proud you've made me. :'''Six''': ''[Takes off his glasses for the first time in the series]'' We're going to help you. We're going to take you home. :'''One''': But Six, I am home. ''[Rex falls unconscious while One's body starts changing. Eventually his body dissolves and fertilizes the entire island to its former splendor]'' : '''Six:''' He's still One. He's just one with everything. ===Mixed Signals=== : '''Rex:''' Whoa, big guy! Someone needs to ease off on the cheeseburgers. : '''Six:''' Skip the insults. Start the containment. : '''Rex:''' Like its feelings are going to get hurt. One bad and ugly going down. What? : '''Six:''' Rex? Rex! : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Six:''' You want to explain this? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. It's like some weird vision of this thing filled my head, then built itself out of me. Maybe the vision came from Blobbo. Maybe it's trying to talk to me. Come on, big boy. Send me some more pictures. What's on your mind? : '''Six:''' Groceries. That's what's on its mind. : '''Rex:''' I'm skipping. I'm over it. That vision must have been a fluke. : '''Six:''' All right, then. We're going with a two-prong attack. Use caution. This kind of EVO might be a splitter. Rex! Snap out of it! : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Ha! I wasn't supposed to do that, right? : '''Six:''' Rex, I want you back at HQ. : '''Rex:''' But I feel okay now. And we've got, um-- Two blobs to put down. : '''Six:''' Now! : '''Holiday:''' No trace of any recent electrochemical or DNA abnormalities. Everything reads normal. : '''Rex:''' But it's like the visions were being transmitted, and I was seeing it from a nanite point of view. : '''Holiday:''' I can't track it, Rex. There's no sign of signal displacement or a nano disturbance. Maybe we should consider the possibility that this is psychological. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Pizza. : '''Holiday:''' I think he's having another vision. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Of lunch? : '''Rex:''' With pineapple and salmon. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Blech! He is nuts. : '''Holiday:''' Aside from a strange choice in pizza toppings, all readings are normal. I can't explain it. : '''Rex:''' Well, if my nanites are trying to get me to build something, maybe we should give them what they want. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Whatever it is, I'm not eating it. Is that my electric toothbrush? : '''Rex:''' It better not be the one I've been using. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Oh. : '''Rex:''' This is what I'm seeing in my head. As stupid as it looks. It's like someone or something is sending me instructions to build some big device. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Or build a pizza with pineapple and salmon. : '''Rex:''' Okay. I'm not sure about that vision. : '''Holiday:''' Is that my hairdryer? : '''Rex:''' I just need to figure out what it does. Maybe it's a time machine. Or-- Or alien technology! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Maybe it's just a big pile of junk. Or a way to order a really awful pizza. : '''Contraption Voice:''' Target acquired. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Wake up! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Provindece Soldier #1:''' Hey, where do you think you're going? We've got a security breach. Front floor. : '''Providence Soldier #2:''' Lockdown protocols enabled. All hands report to duty station. Security speed, take position. : '''Rex:''' Sorry, guys. I might be a little... late. : '''Caesar:''' Case compression. Release. : '''Rex:''' Figures I'd build a machine with a serious attitude problem. : '''Caesar:''' ''[taking off his helmet and turns to Rex]'' Rex, is that you? : '''Rex:''' Who’s asking? : '''Caesar:''' It’s me, Caesar, your brother! Mijo! ''[Hugs Rex]'' You're alive and... older. ''[Rex is dumbfounded]'' Uh. Atomic clock was right... ''[spanish accent]'' Es una problema grande. : '''Rex:''' Uh, yeah. ''[Pushes Caesar]'' It is a big problem. : '''Caesar:''' What is this place? Who are you people? ''[to Rex]'' I'm getting you out of here! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Sorry, amigo. Put your hands up. Or don't. I got a clear shot either way. : '''Caesar:''' ''[is looking at Bobo]'' A talking chimp? : '''Bobo Haha:''' Don't bother. I've heard all the jokes. : '''Caesar:''' Have they hurt you? Are you okay? Stand aside. : '''Rex:''' Hello? Do I get a say in this? : '''Holiday:''' If you're part of some elaborate plan to kidnap Rex, then you failed. : '''Caesar:''' Listen, bonita, you don't wanna make me use this. : '''Rex:''' ''[gets in between them]'' Enough! Normally around here when someone barges in talking crazy, they get around into the deck plates by my giant fists. But you seem legit. I'm going with him. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Okay, brother. Lead the way. So if you are my brother, where have you been all this time? : '''Caesar:''' I'll explain later when we're safe. : '''Rex:''' Uh, this is Providence. We are safe. Usually. : '''Caesar:''' Providence? Never heard of it. To be honest, the last five years has been a bit of a blur. : '''Rex:''' I want to believe you, but I'm gonna need some proof. : '''Caesar:''' Your name is Rex Salazar. Our parents are Violetta and Raphael. The last time I saw you was at the Applied Nanite Research Lab in Abysus; right before those fools triggered a replication cycle. : '''Rex:''' And I have total amnesia so, for all I know, that could be completely bogus. : '''Caesar:''' There's a scar on the back of your left knee you got when you were seven, riding the gantry arm in the reactor annex. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. I always wondered how I got that. :''[they go out and Rex notices Caesar Salazar's pod laboratory]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. Nice wheels. : '''Six:''' ''[Comes out and unsheathed his swords]'' Don't even think about it. : ''[Caesar is about to attack but Rex stops him]'' : '''Rex:''' It's okay. Six isn't going to hurt you. Right, Six? You're comming in a little late on this, but, uh, this is Caesar, my brother, and he wants to get me out of here. So, let's just let my brother have his way and see where this all goes. Wherever you plan on going, they're going to follow us. You know that, right? : '''Caesar:''' They can try. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. Providence ship are pretty fast. : '''Six:''' Track Rex's bio signature and find out who that guy really is. : '''Rex:''' You ain't kidding. This thing moves fast. A-are we in the arctic? : '''Caesar:''' How do you think I got to your location so quickly once the locator signaled me? : '''Rex:''' Locator? You sent me the schematics to build that thing? It tried to crush me like a bug! : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, mijo. I wasn't really trying to hurt. ''[scans Rex's body]'' I was looking for what's hiding inside of you. ''[showing Rex the result]'' The Omega One Nanite. : '''Rex:''' That thing? Holiday discovered it before. We had no idea what it was. : '''Caesar:''' I sent signal instructions for the Omega One to track and contain. But since the nanite has integrated into your DNA, you became the conduit for building the machine. What I don't get is how the Omega One got inside of you. Rylander was supposed to have that under lock and key. : '''Rex:''' Rylander? He's the one who put it inside me. : '''Caesar:''' Why would he do a thing like that? I'm really gonna have to let old fool have it when I see him. : '''Rex:''' Not possible-- Courtesy of Van Kleiss. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss?! What does that third-rate lab hack have to do with this? : '''Rex:''' What? I guess I’m not the only one who needs an update. Where have you been? : '''Caesar:''' It's a long story-- actually, short by my clock. A splinter group had formed at the lab. They had other ideas about how the nanites would be used. We tried to stop them, and you were hurt. The only way to save your life was an infusion of nanites. It was risky, but it worked. We thought that'd be enough to stop the others, make them see the right path. But we were wrong. Mom and Dad were in the reactor. As for me, I managed to escape in my lab. But the shock wave, the same shock wave that probably blanked your memory.... also interfered with engine that powers this pod. I was stuck in sub-light drive. : '''Rex:''' How long? : '''Caesar:''' Fifteen minutes. That's how long it took me to reboot the system. But at the speed I was going, it was 5 years of your time. I knew there was an accident, but I had no idea how bad. My nanite sensors were off the charts. My 1st priority was to insure the OM-1 was safe. That was our promise. And here we are. So, what have I missed these past five years? : '''Rex:''' Providence? We need to talk. They can wait. : '''Caesar:''' So let me understand, there are EVOs and Van Kleiss claimed as their leader? : '''Rex:''' Well, not for all of them, yet. I want to know about me, about our parents. : '''Caesar:''' They were scientists. We lived all over the world. Things settled down when you came along. That was in Geneva. : '''Rex:''' Wait a second. Are you saying I'm Swiss? : ''Caesar:'' Not really. Mother was born in Mexico City. Father in Buenos Aires. : '''Rex:''' And they're really... gone? ''[Caesar slowly nods sadly]'' : '''Rex:''' Um, where exactly did this ship take us? : '''Caesar:''' What do you know?We're back at the original lab site. : '''Rex:''' You mean the one in Abysus? : '''Caesar:''' Is that a problem? : '''Rex:''' I'd say just a small one. We should go, like now. : '''Caesar:''' ''[typing]'' Hmm... Must be low on charge. ''[walks out the door]'' We may be stuck, but on the bright side, I can take a look at some of these variegated organisms. ''[goes out]'' : '''Rex:''' Caesar! Wait! : ''[outside and observing the EVOs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating. We theorized mutations might occur but never anything this random. : ''[Rex hits the EVO before they got near Caesar]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Sorry, bro, but these guys-- : ''[Rex hits another EVO]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Usually don't sit still for questions. : '''Caesar:''' ''[seeing Rex's new build]'' Hmm... That's new. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Guess I've learned a-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' A few tricks. But they still won't be enough if Van Kleiss shows up with all his goons. Six! : '''Six:'''We're locked onto you. The keep is already on its way. : '''Rex:''' Your ship may be out of juice, but I'm not. Hop on. I can get us out of here. : '''Caesar:''' I won't leave my lab, and you definitely don't want Van Kleiss getting his hands on some of the things in here. I'll try to reroute the capacitors to an alternate power source. : '''Caesar:''' Oh, you wanna see a photo of you, me, and papi? Maybe later. : '''Rex:''' You're a little off, aren't you, Caesar? : '''Biowulf:''' What was that machine it flew off with? : '''Van Kleiss:''' A laboratory. One I thought I'd never see again. It seems an old friend has returned-Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Providence isn't so bad now, eh, hermano? : '''Caesar:''' Is this a Grinnell? They always made good consoles, except for the random power surges. : '''Six:''' Well? : '''Rex:''' Everything's cool. He's a little kooky, but I'm pretty sure he's my brother. : '''Six:''' Glad to hear it. Now I need you back. We still have some unfinished business. : '''Rex:''' Got to get back to work. : '''Caesar:''' My little brother, the hero. I remember when you just wanted to be a musician. : '''Rex:''' Guitar? No, wait drums. : '''Caesar:''' Accordion. : '''Rex:''' You got to be kidding me! : '''Six:''' As I recall, you started it. : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Six:''' The EVO is dividing faster than we can contain it. The city is being evacuated. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Excuse me, admiral. I need you to take me down there immediately. Afraid I'll have to insist. : '''Six:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Are you crazy?! : '''Caesar:''' Depends on who you ask. I had something in my lab that I thought could help. : '''Six:''' Help? You're not even supposed to be outside the keep. : '''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Way to go, bro! First day on the job, and you already got a save! : '''Six:''' Job? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on, admit it, Six. He just saved our chicharrones. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? What's so funny? : '''Caesar:''' You always make me laugh when you try to speak Spanish. : '''Holiday:''' We've pulled his records, and I've confirmes his DNA. It seems Rex really does have a brother. : '''White Knight:''' If everything I've read about him is true, he could be an incredible asset to Providence. : '''Six:''' Or a major liability. : '''White Knight:''' All the more reason to keep him with us. Give him whatever he needs. : '''Holiday:''' White's right, Six. He knows more about nanites than anyone on the planet. He helped invent them. : '''Six:''' My point exactly. He's settling in? : '''Rex:''' I guess so. Caesar's a little strange. Hard to believe he's actually my brother. : '''Six:''' I'm happy for you, Rex. You always said you wanted to find your family. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but... You know that? I already did. Caesar may be my brother, but you, Holiday, Bobo, you're who I have a connection with. : '''Bobo:''' Aww, now, see, I'm getting all misty. : '''Caesar:''' There you are. Hmm. Nice view. Say, mijo, you think your cafeteria could whip up a pizza with pineapple and salmon? I've been craving one for days. : '''Bobo:''' Connection, huh? ===Outpost=== :'''Valentina:''' Ugh! We were returning them to their natural habitat! What Providence does is wrong and against the natural order of things! You're a traitor to your own kind. :'''Rex:''' That's creature's job is to ''exterminate'' mankind! It wanted to kill you! ===Haunted=== ===Moonlighting=== ===Without a Paddle=== ===Written in Sand=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I need an uptade. :'''Rex''': I'm right at the edge. Anything still alive in there is trying to get away from the sandstorm. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's not the storm they're running from. The nanites inside them are forcing the animals away. It's creating a kind of nanite-free zone. :'''Rex''': Ha! We should call White Knight. Maybe he'll move here and leave us all alone. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's no laughing matter, Rex. It could be the most significant development since the original nanite event. :'''Rex''': Yeah, yeah. Possible cures save the world-- Got it. I'll check it out. :'''Bobo''': Hey, doc. You may wanna get a load of this over here. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Negative. The storm is moving in too fast. Just place a sensor and pack it in. :'''Rex''': Hey. No. It couldn't be. Rex to base. We got trouble of the egomaniacal EVO kind. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Van Kleiss is here? Why am I not surprised? :'''Rex''': I think the real question is, if everything else is in such a race to get out, why is he going on? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, wait. :'''Rex''': Don't worry, doc. It's me. What could possibly happen? :'''Skalamander''': RARGH! PTUH! They're nothing but dirt. :'''Biowulf''': My senses-- Useless in all this sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': This phenomenon deserves my personal attention. What we seek is nearby. I can feel it pushing against me. :'''Rex''': ''[Rex emerges from the sand storm]'' Yeah? :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex''': ''[Rex kicks Skalamander]'' How about kicking against you, too? :'''Van Kleiss''': Rex! You're not welcome here. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Now, that hurt my feelings! :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Skalamander pins him to the sand, causing him to groan in pain]'' :''[Skalamander laughs]'' :'''Rex''': Aaah! Whoa! :'''Van Kleiss''': If I never see your face again, It will be too soon! :'''Rex''': Yeah? The feeling's-- Whoa! Mutual! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex? Rex, do you read me? :''[Bobo coughing]'' :'''Bobo''': Okay, we gotta get outta here. I got sand in places I didn't even know I had places. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, if you can hear me, we're retreating to the safe zone. Rendezvous with us there. :'''Rex''': AAAAH! WHOA-OHHHHHHH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex coughs]'' :'''Rex''': Okay, Kleiss-- Go time! No EVO allies, just you and-- Whoa! Uh, sorry, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you along for the ride. :'''Van Kleiss''': I don't need my EVO allies, when I can simply make more. :'''Rex''': Don't get me wrong-- I love punching stuff. But anything you can do, I can undo better! We can do this all day. Or you can just spill it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': Why are you causing this nanite-free zone? :'''Van Kleiss''': How convenient it must be to make me the root of all evil. I'm not causing it. I've come to discover the source and destroy it. :'''Rex''': This could be the cure to nanites. :'''Van Kleiss''': And I live off nanites. What Providence calls a cure, I call death. :'''Rex''': Really? Haven't we moved past this? :'''Van Kleiss''': Huh? :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :''[After Van Kleiss creates a scorpion EVO to attack Rex, it attacks him instead.]'' :'''Rex''': That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Hang on-- I got to get this on video. ''[Takes out cell phone and starts recording Van Kleiss dodging the scorpion EVO.]'' :''[Van Kleiss panting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Something's wrong. I should be controlling this creature. :'''Rex''': Stinks to be you. Huh? You ruined my shot! :'''Van Kleiss''': I believe we've found something more interesting. :'''Rex''': You like to point out the obvious, don't you? :'''Bobo''': Don't get me wrong-- I love the kid, but if we don't pull stakes now, we'll be combing dust outta all sorts of places for years. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Too late. Hold on to everything that's not tied down. This is going to be a bumpy... ride. :'''Six''': Holiday? I trust you're all right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': I'm fine, Six. But Rex is still out there-- With Van Kleiss. I can't reach him. :'''Six''': We'll prep a rescue party. Prepare to come aboard. :'''Rex''': Hey! :'''Van Kleiss''': This is not simply a nanite-free zone. Something is stealing the nanites from our bodies. If we linger here too long, we may both find ourselves defenseless against the other. :'''Rex''': Well, then, we'd better blow this joint. And when I say "we" I mean "me". :''[Rex tries to escape and fails]'' :'''Rex''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': If either of us is to escape this place, we will have to work together. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': What exactly are you suggesting? :'''Van Kleiss''': A temporary truce. :'''Rex''': An extremely temporary truce. :'''Van Kleiss''': We'll work our way to the center of the nanite storm. :'''Rex''': No, we work our way out of the nanite storm and get Providence in here to figure out what's happening. :'''Van Kleiss''': Providence? They can't be trusted. :'''Rex''': Them? Didn't you try to take over New York? And Europe? And the world? :'''Van Kleiss''': You need to listen to me, Rex. Without a powers, you're nothing but a child. :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah? Truce over! Okay. This is awkward. Hey, is it just me, or are you getting really dust? :'''Van Kleiss''': It's happening faster than I thought. :'''Rex''': What's happening faster? If you know something, you'd better spit it out, or-- Whoa! It all looks fossilized. Like it's made completely out of... sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': Not only are there no nanites here, this is pure silicone. There are no other elements-- No carbon, calcium, hydrogen. It appears that this zone not only destroys nanites, but is-- :'''Rex''': Squeezing the life from the Earth. This isn't sand. This is me! :''[Rex whimpering]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': These glyphs-- There's something familiar about them. Sumatran? Mesopotamian? :'''Rex''': Less geeking, more escaping! :'''Van Kleiss''': We need to find the epicenter of this maze. These glyphs may hold the answer. :'''Rex''': Only if one says "exit sign." :'''Van Kleiss''': No need to panic, Rex. We have at least twenty minutes before fossilization-- Give or take. :'''Rex''': "Don't panic"-- Says the guy who used to be dirt. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex''': We're turning into walking litter boxes, and you're checking out caveman graffiti? No wonder I'm always kicking your butt. :'''Van Kleiss''': You don't have an investigative bone in your body, do you? So strongheaded-- Just like your mother. ''[Rex is silent]'' No, you don't like that, do you-- That I know more about you than you do? :'''Rex''': Skip the head games. Isn't exactly a good time. :'''Van Kleiss''': No, but perhaps it is time for some truth. We may perish down here, Rex. Ask me anything you want about the past, and I'll answer it. :'''Rex''': ''[looks at his own slowly fossilizing body]'' Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. :''[walks away]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, so the great and powerful Providence has finally come through on their promise to help you remember your past. :'''Rex''': Something better-- Someone who was actually there at the Nanite Event. :'''Van Kleiss''': Aha. Your brother, Caesar. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': I've been following you both very closely since his... miraculous reappearance. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, this one's for free. Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': ''[creates his BFS and holds it at Van Kleiss' throat]'' What are you getting at? :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, no, no. That's not how this works. It isn't my turn. Quid pro quo, Rex. If you want to know more-- Why don't we start with something simple? Rylander's Omega Nanite. I know it's inside you. :'''White Knight''': Status uptade? :'''Six''': Still no fix on Rex. Scanners can't cut through the storm, so we're moving in to stage a recon. :'''White Knight''': I will not risk everyone on board that ship for one agent. Not even that agent. :''[Holiday subtly ends the call. Then to Six]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Whoops. Guess the satellite feed went down. Nasty sand. :''[Six smirks]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Caesar? Wanted you to know we haven’t found him yet. :'''Caesar''': Found who? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. :'''Caesar''': Right. Ah. Sorry. That was, uh, fifteen minutes ago. I've done about five hundred task since then. Try calibrating the keep's sensors to search for traces of Selenium. It's something Rex naturally gives off, like dandruff. :'''Dr. Holiday''': I-- Really? Hmm. Okay, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss''': So what you're saying is, the motor runs off of gravity and the only exhausts are atoms of selenium. :'''Rex''': Now you. Squid Pro... Whatever. The nanites, the Event. What started all this? :'''Van Kleiss''': He didn't tell you? I'm not surprised. It was Caesar. :''[Rex pushes Van Kleiss to nearest wall and take out his BFS once again]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Wasteful, Rex. :'''Rex''': You're lying! :'''Van Kleiss''': Hardly. Your brother is responsible for the most significant catastrophe in human history. You have to admit that as brilliant as Caesar is, he's... not quite right. Am I telling you something that you haven't already noticed? :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': HAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss coughing]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': You seem to have awoken some sort of defense mechanism. :'''Rex''': What are they defending? Rocks? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Before we're totally devoid of nanites, we need to end this now-- Together. :'''Rex''': Back to back! :'''Van Kleiss''': What? :'''Rex''': Haven't you ever read a comic book? Back to back! No way. These markings-- They're not hieroglyphics. They're circuit boards. This whole cave, this valley-- It's one giant circuit board. These are data conduits-- Ms. Hubs! :'''Van Kleiss''': You're right. These spirals are solid-state storage-- The standard design for a firewall in a CPU. :'''Rex''': Did you just say I'm right? Now that I know what we're dealing with, it's a simple matter of-- Hacking in. This is malo-- Muy malo. Van Kleiss, meet the psycho computer who calls herself-- :'''Van Kleiss''': Zag-RS? :'''Rex''': How do you know that? ''[Zag-RS notices them and attacks them]'' You know Zag-RS? How? :'''Van Kleiss''': She was designed as a decontamination program at the original nanite laboratory. Her task was to destroy any rogue nanites that escaped from the holding tanks. :'''Rex''': She did a great job. Whoever designed her should be taken out and beaten with a tendril. :'''Van Kleiss''': Caesar designed her. :'''Rex''': I'm gonna have to have a chat with my brother when this is over. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Focus, you fool. If we're to survive this, we have to use whatever nanites we have left to shut her down. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': No problemo! Ah, come on! Stay up! Show off! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Well, this bites. :''[Rex straining]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Didn't I leave you in orbit? Shouldn't you have burned up in re-entry or something? :'''Zag-RS''': Re-entry resulted in a hard desert landing. This unit faced complete system failure. Salvation came from integration with the host space station power cell, where new initiatives were established. :'''Rex''': Turning the world into a sandbox? :'''Zag-RS''': Correct. The prevention of organic infection by elimination of organic matter and securing the Earth core system. Soon, this world will function without flaw. :'''Rex''': Van Kleiss! Change of plan! While, I've got Zaggy occupied, you go and warn Providence before it's too late! :'''Van Kleiss''': There's no time. Her strength is growing exponentially. To achieve victory, you must trust me. :'''Rex''': Trust you?! That's comedy gold! Even if I was that big of a doof, neither one of us had enough power to fight back! :'''Van Kleiss''': That's not entirely true. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Van Kleiss''': I've not been completely honest with you. :'''Rex''': Stunned-- Really. :'''Van Kleiss''': The Omega Nanite within you has a self-replicating program. You can create your own nanites. :'''Rex''': What?! Why didn't you tell me! :'''Van Kleiss''': A calculated emission. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': No way. :'''Van Kleiss''': There-- That is the heart of Zag-RS. Strike while you can! :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah! Now we're talking! Normally, I don't fight girls, but this time I'll make... A big... giant... robot exception! :'''Dr. Holiday''': I found him, Six-- twenty kilometers northeast. There's a huge spike in trace selenium. :'''Six''': Charge all weapons. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The storm's starting to break. But please don't crash. :'''Rex''': YAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': That's not fair! It worked in the movie! :''[Rex whimpers]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :'''Rex''': AAAH! :'''Zag-RS''': You have miscalculated, human. The more nanites you replicate, the more energy you supply me. 7.5 seconds until I overtake your production. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Zag-RS''': 4.3 seconds. :'''Van Kleiss''': AAAAAAAAAH! :'''Rex''': YAAAAAAH! One psycho robot down, one supervillain to chicken! Finally! :'''Bobo''': What, you never heard the term "fashionably late"? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Your nanite-replicating function seems to be working well. Most of Zag-RS' alterations have been expunged. :'''Rex''': Meaning... What? :'''Bobo''': You ain't gonna wash away at high tide. :'''Caesar''': This is my design. :'''Rex''': Great-- My brother created Zag-RS. :'''Caesar''': Evidently. Though her evolution into some sort of sentient nanite-slayer is most curious. :'''Six''': Curious? :'''Rex''': What about what Van Kleiss said? :'''Caesar''': You mean I'm to blame for the original nanite event? Why don't we ask her? Wait! Interface protocols. Code designate Zag-RS. Respond. :'''Zag-RS''': Dr. Salazar. Good morning. How may I assist you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Stand down, gentlemen. Zag-RS has been successfully rebooted. But her memory has been wiped clean. :'''Rex''': What? You got to be kidding me! :'''Caesar''': That's interesting. Hmm. Van Kleiss must have implemented a program dump before he left you. It's the only logical conclusion. :'''Rex''': Program dump? :'''Van Kleiss''': Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': Great. So now all we've got is a lame decontamination program with a GPS lady's voice? :'''Caesar''': GPS lady? Hardly. :'''Rex:''' I was making a joke. :'''Caesar''': Don't you recognize it? When I programmed her, I wanted a voice that meant safety, protection, caring. Rex, this is our mother's voice. :'''Rex''': ''[shocked]'' Mama? ===Night Falls=== : '''Rex:''' If she's not really our grandmother, why are you calling her ''aubuela''? : '''Caesar:''' There may not be a biological connection but she practically ran the entire town. When you were a boy, you spent every summer here. : '''Rex:''' I wish I could remember...or any of this. ===Hard Target=== : '''Rex:''' "It's Breach! She's-" : '''Circe:''' "Messing with you, Rex. Did you actually see on her the other side?" : '''Rex:''' "Well, no but...OK, why Hong Kong?" : '''Circe:''' "Because it's on the other side of the world, because she's seriously messed up." : '''Cricket:'''" Kind of like our place." : '''Circe:''' "Trust me. She's back in Abysus laughing it off with the rest of the Pack. Besides, I'm not that easy to find." : (''Removes the white towel to reveal her shoulder-length black hair partly dyed a deep plum and having donned a dark gray overall dress'') : '''Rex:''' "OK, Rex. Bad intro. Take a do-over. Like the new look." : '''Circe:''' "Wow. A compliment." <hr width80%> :'''Skywdd:''' "And that's when Circe goes all [[w:Siren (mythology)|siren]] and blasts the bus driver's pants clean off." :'''Circe:''' "Lucky shot. Hit the exact frequency of polyester." :'''Tuck:''' "Good thing his boxers were cotton." :'''Rex''' (''uncomfortable'')''':''' "Good one. Uh, Circe, remember when you took down that sea monster in Cabo Luna?" :'''Circe:''' "Please, Rex, I'd rather not remember that right now." :'''Skywdd:''' Geez, Rex. Buzzkill." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Stop it." :'''Skywdd:''' "What's with him?" :'''Circe:''' "Breach lag. Let clean over his bedtime." :'''Rex:''' "That and my early morning snooze. By the way, you were right. Breach wasn't after you. She freed Quarry. Got this from the Providence security feed." :'''Skywdd:''' "Quarry?" :'''Tuck:''' "He's lose?" :'''Cricket:''' "Oh no." :'''Circe:''' "You saw Breach and came back ''here!'' What if she followed you!?" :'''Rex:''' "Don't worry. If Breach were here, I'd feel it. She's here." <hr width80%> : '''Breach:''' "Hey, girlfriend." : '''Circe:''' "Get out of here, Breach!" : '''Breach:''' "But Van Kleiss has so been wanting to chat." : '''Circe:''' "Then deliver a message for him! " : (''Uses her ultrasonic bursts on Breach, who creates a portal behind her, knocking her out with her own sonic abilities)'' : '''Rex:''' "Let her go, Breach!!" : '''Breach:''' "Oh, sorry, Rex. She's gonna save my skin. V.K.'s tough on failure, remember?" : (''Teleports away with an unconscious Circe on her shoulder'') : '''Rex:''' "NO!!" <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Hold that thought. You can come out now. I got that creeped out feeling." :'''Breach:''' "Peek a boo." : '''Skwydd:''' "It's her!'' She took Circe." : '''Rex:''' But not to Van Kleiss. You never went to Abysus, did you? You slipped her into your little pocket dimension. Let her go, Breach! : '''Breach:''' And I agree to that...why? : '''Rex:''' "Because you wouldn't want Van Kleiss to see this. I'm thinking a trade is in order." : (''Breach releases Circe, who is caught by Skwydd'') : '''Circe:''' "I hate you, Breach." ===A Family Holiday=== :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The pace of study has been staggeringly slow. There have been no significant advancements in nanite research since the original event. Simply put, Providence is not doing enough. What is required is not a military response, but a serious, thoughtful reaction, a scientific answer. The poor and afflicted deserve more. The world, deserves more. Let me introduce Diane. Mother of three. Diane has been diagnosed as incurable, a lost cause. Since then, she's been treated like an animal, locked away from her family... No hope on the horizon. Until now. At Moses Labs, we don't rely on tanks, guns, or secret weapons-- Only an unwavering belief that whatever science breaks, science can fix. Welcome back, Diane. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Happy birthday, little sister. :'''Rex:''' Hope that I paid the bills. This is going to be expensive. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Release the hounds. :''[a door opens revealing some Evo hounds]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Heh! I thought that was just a figure of speech. You're a sick puppy. :'''Rex:''' Aah! Not cool, bro! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[Spanish accent]'' Agua, por favor. :'''Caesar:''' Water second, probes first. :'''Rex:''' No offense, but being a guinea pig is a lot less fun when it's you instead of Holiday. :'''Caesar:''' Don't I run the biometric tests with the same efficiency? :'''Rex:''' How are we related? Have you looked at Holiday? :'''Bobo Haha:''' She ain't my species and even I know she's a hottie. :'''Caesar:''' She is... very smart. :'''Rex:''' Where is the Doc anyway? She usually can't wait to get her hands on me. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Saw her this morning, looking pretty grim. :'''Agent Six:''' It's her sister. Her sister's birthday to be precise. Holiday gets introspective this time of year. :'''Caesar:''' Her sister? Oh, is she smart too? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hey guys. Can't talk. Hangar! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Ah, human dames. I don't know how you guys keep up. :''[Dr. Holiday pants]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Thank you for coming, Dr. Moses. It's a genuine honor. :'''Rex:''' Who the heck is that guy? Why is Holiday acting all fangirl around him? :'''Caesar:''' It's Dr. Brandon Moses, the leading researcher in technogenic transmorphing! If anyone's going to develop a kill for EVOs, it's going to be him! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Now, that's actin' fan-girl. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Not the worst I've seen. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you help her? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Beverly would be an excellent candidate for my treatments. Have her transported to my facility. :'''Rex:''' Hold up! I know you have a bunch of letters after your name, but curing EVOs is what I do. Some of them-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Some you just can't handle, Rex. Dr. Moses' research goes to places you don't, so if you don't mind-- 10 minutes, then we'll be in the air. Thank you, doctor. I've earned 5 years' worth of personal time, Knight. I plan to use it all. :'''White Knight:''' I don't like it, but I like your sister even less. Go for your "cure", Holiday. But if it doesn't work, don't bring her back. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Agent Six:''' What do you really know about Dr. Moses? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what I saw. :'''Agent Six:''' You're not taking her to the doctor for a checkup. Has he handed you supporting data? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why won't you let me have this? It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Rex got here. :'''Agent Six''': I think you've lost your objectivity. If you can't help her-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's the point! I can't! I need this cure. If you won't help me, stay out of my way! :'''Rex:''' Any chance she's right? :'''Agent Six:''' Hope she is. :'''Rex:''' But we're not going to sit around and do nothing in case she's wrong, right? Today you're my sidekick-- Not a fashion-challenged soccer mom blocking my mojo. If there's any chance of playing hero for Holiday, I call dibs. :'''Security guard:''' Dr. Moses' inventions are not for public viewing-- Especially not by Providence. :''[Security guard grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' That "soccer mom" comment really got to you, huh? When did science geeks start packing heat? Huh? :'''Agent Six:''' Check the machine. :'''Rex:''' I'm no engineer, but as far as I can tell, all this thing does is light up and go "ping". They never cured it! This was a scam! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday's in trouble. Holiday, Moses is a fraud. There is no cure! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What's going on here? Moses, what is this? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Business, Dr. Holiday-- Big business. Now, if you wouldn't mind stepping aside so I can collect your sister-- :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday?! What's happening?! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Or don't step aside. I'm good either way. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! We've got our coordinates. Go! :'''Rex:''' It's a hundred miles away! :'''Agent Six:''' Correct. :'''Rex:''' Hold on to your swords, old man! :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]:'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I trusted you! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' A bad trait, a scientist. But look on the bright side-- You won't be locked in a cell anymore. That was just... Shameful. :'''Rex:''' Be the hero. Be the hero. Be the-- :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ...Zero. You'll be a lot less grouchy in a few seconds, pal. Half cured? That's new. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They've got Beverly. :'''Rex:''' You wanna talk to her? :'''Agent Six:''' Now's not the time. :'''Rex:''' And when exactly is. She needs a friend, Six. :'''Agent Six:''' I... prefer to keep it professional. Keeps people from getting hurt. :'''Rex:''' Dude. Take off the sunglasses. She's already hurting. If I were you-- :''[Six gets a radio signal]'' :'''Agent Six:''' If you were me, you'd have a lead. Get Holiday. Dust off in 3. :'''Rex:''' Where are we going? :'''Agent Six:''' Moses may be a genius but not because he can cure EVOs. He overpowers them-- Hypercharges the nanites with excess energy to push their transformations. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's why Rex only partially cured that EVO he stripped the EVO of its extra power. But at its core, it was still incurable. :'''Rex:''' We learned something new today. Great. :'''Agent Six:''' Gets worse. Moses has turned his tech into a cottage industry. He takes incurables and weaponizes them to sell to the highest bidder. :'''Rex:''' Don't sugarcoat it, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you find this out? :'''Agent Six:''' I called some former associates-- People who know things, things that good people shouldn't know about. :'''White Knight:''' Question-- Why is my keep on an unapproved mission? :'''Rex:''' It's cool, Knight. We're helping Holiday. :'''White Knight:''' No! We had a deal! Return to base immediately! :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's over guys. I can't drag you down because of my mistake. I won't. :'''Agent Six:''' Keep returning to base. :''[Knight ends the transmission]'' :'''Agent Six:''' I said the keep is returning to base. I didn't say we'd be on the keep. :'''Rex:''' You okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hanging in there. :'''Rex:''' Hanging in there is good. I don't like to see you unhappy, you know. I-I mean-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what you mean. Thanks. :'''Agent Six:''' Better luck next time. :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Jealous much, sidekick? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Who is that? :'''Rex:''' Someone who knows things good people shouldn't. :'''Five:''' Machine boy! Like the new ax? You owe me for the last one. :'''Agent Six:''' We'll talk music later, Five. You have word on Moses? :'''Five:''' Five don't lie. Your guy is running an auction-- Tonight. :'''Agent Six:''' I owe you. :'''Five:''' She's a lot more beautiful than you let on, Six. Try not to screw it up this time. :'''Agent Six:''' You coming? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The EVO is the military ordinance of the future. We all know it. You drop one of these babies into your neighbor's backyard, and it's game over. But to get the most annihilation out of your nanites... you need me. :'''Human EVO:''' You promised to cure! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' My technology not only amps up their abilities, but, for an extra charge, will modify their behavior to suit your needs. What am I bid for this army of one? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Bursting in]'' I'll open with extradition for crimes against humanity! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to his bidders]'' Wait! This is just a minor disturbance. :''[Moses groans]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to Holiday]'' Do you know what you just cost me, all for one hopless wreck?! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday hits Moses]'' Her name is Beverly. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Then give sissy a hug. :'''Dr Holiday:''' No! Don't hurt her, Rex! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, sure. Handle with care. Whoa! Can you tell her that, too? :'''Agent Six:''' Going nowhere? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Uh, let's not be ''[chuckling]'' rash. :''[Holiday slaps Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I'm gonna have to get you a dictionary. Rash will not help anyone, especially not Beverly. :''[Holiday grabs Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Who can still be cured. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday drops Moses]'' What? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Brandishing his swords]'' No games. Truth or dead. :'''Rex:''' Fight still going! Need assistance! Big time! Whoa! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I did invent a machine that de-powered nanites, almost. But the bonds and nanite particles were too strong to break. Instead, I discovered that I could reverse the polarity to its maximum, overpowering the nanites. It's easier and-- Profitable. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' But you did isolate the bonds? So, you can break them! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Ugh! Unh! Okay, I called hero, but I need some extra kick for my sidekick! Unh! Seriously! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Time to earn a return on my investments! Kill them all! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! :'''White Knight:''' I won't even bother telling you the trouble you're in. Catch those other EVOs and report to my office the moment you're back. :'''Rex:''' What other EVO-O-O-O-Os? :''[Rex turns around and notices the EVOs behind him]'' :'''Rex:''' Ooos? :'''Rex:''' Think they got it? :'''Agent Six:''' They'd better. We're busy. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Okay. That's the flux transponder. That's the nanite energizer. Don't you explode on me-- Not now. Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'll hand the one crazed sister. You take the other. It'll be like a double date. Don't bother... your sister... while she's working! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I can see what he did, but... uh... there's no time! I can't-- I can't help her! It's over. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday-- Rebecca-- You are the strongest, smartest woman I have ever met, and the most stubborn. :''[Six removes his glasses and looks her in the eyes]'' :'''Agent Six:''' You never give up. If there's a way to help your sister, find it-- now! :''[Slight pause. Holiday smiles and puts Six's glasses back on his face then leaves]'' :'''Agent Six:''' That's my girl. New plan. Corral her to the machine. :'''Rex:''' Plans are good! Yah! What you got, Doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Moses was right. The polarity of the nanite energizer is wrong! I have to amplify and reverse it. But I don't have-- Six... Your magna blades-- But it would be too dangerous. Six! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six! :'''Agent Six:''' Is it working? :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's working. :'''Rex:''' Six, get out of there! :'''Agent Six:''' You called hero on this one, Rex! Finish it-- For her! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Get them out, Rex-- Both of them-- Now! :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Doc! You gotta see this! :''[Dr. Holiday panting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[as she's trying to revive Six]'' Don't you do this to me! I will hate you forever if you-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :''[Six coughs]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rebecca? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Beverly! :'''Rex:''' That was... I'm... Wow! Six, I've never said it before and I'll probably never say it again, but... I'm honored to be your partner. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Mushy stuff? Oh! Glad I missed it. :'''Rex:''' But don't ever do anything like that again. :'''Agent Six:''' Agreed. But you have to admit though... It was worth it. :''[Dr. Holiday and Beverly laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' We're not running a boarding house here. No more relatives. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need her for a few more tests, sir. She was only 13 when she went Evo, and she's in a fragile state. :'''Beverly:''' Woo Hoo! :''[Beverly laughing]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rex just took me on a ride through the Zoo on his cycle. :'''White Knight:''' "Fragile." Right. :'''Rex:''' We're going to the mall. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you asking permission? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm asking if we can have some money. Providence pays me nada. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can I have a word with you? :'''Agent Six:''' Sure this is a good idea? Could ruin your hero status with Holiday. :'''Rex:''' It's funny. After meeting Bev, out of nowhere, it hit me that Doc Holiday is just a little too old for me. So, since I'm out of the way, I guess there's nothing stopping you anymore, huh, "hero"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Well... right. I guess... I'll set up those tests. :''[Holiday starts to walk past Six. Six takes a hold of her hand]'' :'''Agent Six:''' Or... we could get some dinner. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Outside? In the real world? Like real people? Like a-- :'''Agent Six:''' Yes. Like a date. :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's about time. ===Hong Kong Nights=== ===Whispers in the Dark=== ===Cutting It Close=== ===Exposed=== :'''White Knight''': All Providence personnel, this is a priority-one alert. :'''Agent Six''': Do not panic. Remember your training. :'''White Knight''': In all my years of working at Providence, never have I been put in such a situation. These interlopes could be anywhere at any given moment. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, what's all the-- Whoa! Sorry. We're late. :'''Bobo Haha''': You can't prove a thing! :'''White Knight''': Watch what you say. Watch what you do. The very future of Providence may depend upon it. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, what's going on? Van Kleiss attack in the HQ again? :'''Agent Six''': Worse. :'''Diane Farrah:''' I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. And to find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Rex Salazar''': Aah. :'''Diane Farrah''': All your questions are about to be answered. Welcome to Providence Exposed! ''[Camera closes-up on her face]'' On Ultimate Exposure! And cut. Great into, guys. Okay, moving on. :'''Rex Salazar''': This is cool. :'''Agent Six''': This is wrong. :'''Rex Salazar''': How's my hair? :'''Bobo Haha''': Delicious. :'''White Knight''': Ladies and gentlemen, the delightful Miss Farrah and her crew have used the Freedom of Information Act to force. :''[White Knight clears his throat]'' :'''White Knight''': To allow them access to a day in the life of Providence. And to ensure you are afforded the very best Providence has to offer, I'm assigning our top man as your personal guide. :''[Rex moves towards the news team]'' :'''White Knight''': Six, please show Miss Farrah whatever she wants to see. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. On behalf of Providence, I'd like to welcome you to our facility. :'''Diane Farrah''': Spare me the small talk. I'm here to ask the tough questions, and I expect truthful answers. :'''Agent Six''': Shoot. :'''Diane Farrah''': So.. is there a Mrs. Six? :''[Combs her hair]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Smooth. :'''Rex Salazar''': Like you'd have done better. :'''Bobo Haha''': Are you kidding? They want exposed. I'm going to give that reporter a piece of my mind and a few other pieces while I'm at it. I got stories that'll make them run screaming for the hills. :''[Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''Agent Six''': If you'll follow me, I'll be happy to show you one of our nanite research labs up close and personal. EVO control is our primary area of concentration, but Providence is focused on a great many studies. Each employing the best and the brightest our planet has to offer. :'''Rex Salazar''': Thanks, Six. You know, this is my brother's lab. He's only like the smartest guy in the entire world. Yeah, being the best at what we do totally runs in our family. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time. :'''Agent Six''': That experiment is highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, how did you become a Providence agent? :'''Agent Six''': That's also highly sensitive. :'''Rex Salazar''': Amazing story though about how I became a Providence agent. See, there was this big accident. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Good morning. My name is Dr. Rebecca Holiday, And I'm the chief research officer for the Providence Laboratory Facilities - specializing in the study of evology. Providence's number one priority is the security of our planet. And through the studying and understanding the forces that threaten us-- :'''Diane Farrah''': Let's cut to the chase, shall we, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, um, okay. :'''Diane Farrah''': How do you balance the threat of EVOs, the constant danger... with being a woman? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Uh. :''[Dr. Holiday laughs nervously]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, excuse me. :'''Rex Salazar''': Speaking of studying, check this out. You can edit that, right? :'''Diane Farrah''': We're all about the editing. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, maybe you could show these journalists some of your other duties, like what you're supposed to be doing right now, for instance. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, man. That's right. Come on. You're going to love this. :'''Diane Farrah''': EVOs come from far and wide for a chance to be cured by this young man. How often do you do this? :'''Rex Salazar''': At least once a week here at HQ. When I'm in other parts of the county or the world, Providence sets up a mobile cure station. There are a lot of people out there who need my help. I only wish I could get to them all. Wait. Um, let my try again. ''[after Rex can't cure an EVO]'' Shut it off. :'''Diane Farrah''': But this is really good drama, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I asked to be on TV. They didn't. Please give these people their privacy. :'''Bobo Haha''': Come on, buddy. Everybody has an off day. :'''Rex Salazar''': In front of millions of viewers? So much for everyone's favorite Providence man of mystery. :'''Bobo Haha''': Well, they're just lucky they haven't had the camera on me yet. Oh man, talk about Ultimate Exposure. When I get through with them-- :'''Rex Salazar''': I just wish I could look cool on camera somehow. :'''Bobo Haha''': Phbt! Good luck. The only way that's going to happen now is if some experimental EVOs busted out of their cages and went on a rampage so you could round them up and look like a hero. :'''Diane Farrah''': Providence isn't known for being forthcoming with information. I hope this interview will change that. The people want answers and I fully expect them from you. :'''White Knight''': Very well. What do you want to know? :'''Diane Farrah''': For starters, how do you get fresh milk without any nanites in it? :'''White Knight''': If you must know, it's passed through a powerful magnet that removes and neutralizes any nanite activity. :'''Agent Six''': Observe. :''[White Knight smacks lips]'' :'''White Knight''': Anything else? :'''Diane Farrah''': Not at the moment, but I'll be back. :'''White Knight''': I look forward to it. :''[White Knight sips]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, what do you think about White Knight's obsession with staying nanite-free at the expense of human contact? :'''Agent Six''': He's a man of many mysteries. :'''Rex Salazar''': Look out! Coming through! Dangerous escaped EVOs on the loose! Stand back! Let a professional handle this! :'''Diane Farrah''': Follow him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yeah, I'm kind of awesome. :'''Bobo Haha''': Did you get them all? :'''Rex Salazar''': How many did you release? :'''Bobo Haha''': I don't know, three or four. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, which was it? Three or four? :''[Rex Salazar gasps]'' :'''Agent Six''': Well then. Now that Rex's little demonstration is over, how about a visit to the Providence gift shop? On me. :'''Diane Farrah''': How long has Providence had a gift shop? :'''Agent Six''': Since 8:00 A.M. You want to tell me how a class by EVO got out of its electromagnetically-sealed container and just happened to cross paths with our tour? :'''Rex Salazar''': It's not like this kind of thing doesn't happen here all the time. I just wanted it to happen this time, in front of the camera, all right? :'''Agent Six''': Not all right. That last EVO-- You just helped it molt so it could grow. Its body is still out there somewhere, getting bigger. :'''White Knight''': Providence is run like a finely tuned machine. Until you decide to throw a monkey wrench into the works. :'''Bobo Haha''': Hey, pal, let's leave the comedy to me. :'''White Knight''': And how is it exactly that these EVOs got out? :'''Bobo Haha''': Okay, Mea Culpa. I may have accidentally knocked open a cage or two-- Or four. :'''Dr. Holiday''': That fourth cage was electromagnetically sealed. :'''Bobo Haha''': I didn't say it was easy. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The EVO we had contained in there feeds on electricity. It must be kept away from any electrical current. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then it sure is a good thing this whole place isn't full of electricity. Oh, wait. :'''White Knight''': Find it. Subdue it. And most importantly, don't let that camera crew see it. :'''Bobo Haha''': Eh, were wastin' time hunting this thing down when I could be on camera right now, giving those people a piece of my mind. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, I only saw the EVOs empty husk before. What's the real thing look like anyway? Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': That. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Any suggestions? :'''Bobo Haha''': Can you make a soccer net? :''[Rex Salazar and Bobo Haha grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Aha! Got you cornered now. There's no way out. You're overpowered. :'''Bobo Haha''': You were saying? :'''Agent Six''': You wanted to interview me. Now's your chance. Go. :'''Diane Farrah''': Um... okay. Tell me, Six-- May I call you Six?-- What is the real truth behind the nanite event that created the EVOs? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': What is your role, if any, in that event? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified, too. :'''Diane Farrah''': Are you always this talkative? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait. Let me do that again. You didn't get my good side. Which is my good side? :'''Bobo Haha''': Your backside. :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, you promised you were taking us to the heart of the operation. :'''Agent Six''': Right. The heart of the operation. This way. :'''Dr. Holiday''': [Watching from a monitor] It went right. :''[Rex goes to his right. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Camera right! :''[Rex goes to the camera's right]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': How can you miss it now? It's six feet in diameter and weighs five hundred pounds! :'''Rex Salazar''': Less criticizing, more helping! :'''Dr. Holiday''': Try to steer it in the direction of Hallway twelve. We can isolate it in the atrium. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, we've got it contained there now. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No, sorry. I was reading that backwards. Hallway twenty one. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, Hallway twenty one leads to the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, so, no big deal. That's a cold-fission reactor, not electric, right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, all electricity is converted from something-- Wind, solar, hydro-- At the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ohh. :''[Providence Agent screams]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh-hoh. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, listen carefully and do exactly as I say because we're only going to get one shot at this. :'''Diane Farrah''': One shot at what, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': The... future. Providence is the future. The future used to be the space program. Now the future is Providence and the science of EVOs. :'''Rex Salazar''': Doc? Are you still there? We have a situation. :'''Agent Six''': Just a minor downgrade of power during a routine relay check. Nothing to worry about. :'''Rex Salazar''': Guys, I could really use some advice right about now! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''White Knight''': Attention all Providence Personnel, we have a Level-One Priority... :''[Realizes the reporters are present]'' :'''White Knight''': Drill. Repeat-- This is our daily drill in the Central Core-- Now. :'''Agent Six''': Lunch bell. It's taco day. Anyone hungry? :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, while we appreciate the commemorative spoons and the tacos, I can't help but think that you've been hiding something from our viewers. :'''Agent Six''': Not at all, ma'am. Providence is an open book. :''[Rex Salazar screams]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Cut! You're ruining the shot, Rex. Just be patient. I will get to you-- I promise. :''[Rex Salazar groans]'' :'''Agent Six''': Get down. :''[Diane Farrah gasps]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': That was... what you did. :'''Agent Six''': Just doing my job, ma'am. :'''Rex Salazar''': And I'm just doing mine! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': You're not going anywhere now, buddy, except back to your-- Cage? :'''White Knight''': We hope that you and the Ultimate Exposure team are enjoying our EVO containment demonstration, Miss Farrah. All part of readiness training here at Providence. :'''Diane Farrah''': Can I quote you on that? :'''White Knight''': Miss Farah, I'm not gonna stop you from filming, but for your own safety and the safety of your crew, please step back and let my people do what they do best. Alpha Team, I need a containment of the cafeteria, cube formation. Fire! Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm on it. :'''Agent Six''': Stay here. This is the real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': Not on your life. Find an elevator. We're missing it. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Still not a good ti-i-i-i-i-me! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, big boy. No more crawl spaces. No more Hallways. Just you and me in a big, old hangar bay mano y mano. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': ''[after Rex has been repeatedly beaten back by the Evo]'' Looks like you showed him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Are you going to talk, or are you going to help? :'''Bobo Haha''': Talk. Kidding! I'm helping! I'm helping! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar sighs]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Please tell me you're getting all of this. :'''Rex Salazar''': Providence's man of mystery strikes again. Ow! It-- it bit me! :'''Diane Farrah''': Quick, grab some B-roll footage before they get rid of all the evidence. :'''Rex Salazar''': You did see that I did all the heavy lifting and Six just took out the trash, right? :'''Diane Farah''': Don't worry. The camera never lies. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yes! :'''Bobo Haha''': Good! Then get a load of this! :'''Diane Farah''': Do you have something to say? :''[Camera zooms in on Bobo]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Oh... oh. :''[Bobo mutters then passes out]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': I think we have everything we need. :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't know how you guys came off looking, but yours truly rocked hard. Just call me Providence's Man of Mystery from now on. Oh, yeah! Stardom starts in five, four, three, two-- :'''Diane Farrah''': I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. :'''Rex Salazar''': We are so dead. :'''Bobo Haha''': Nice knowing you, kid. :'''Diane Farrah''': To find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. :'''Rex Salazar''': They did it. :'''Bobo Haha''': They did. :'''Dr. Holiday''': This is a news show? What is the world coming to? :'''Diane Farrah''': Look out, ladies. Agent Six is the full package -- brains, brawn, and-- :'''Agent Six''': Highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': Just what is he hiding behind those alluring, dark glasses of his? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the Providence agent you women wanted to get to know. :'''Agent Six''': Up close and personal. :'''Diane Farrah''': That's right, girls. :'''Agent Six''': He's The real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': And he's known throughout Providence as-- :'''Agent Six''': The heart of the operation. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the organization's best-kept secret, the ultimate agent, and-- :'''Agent Six''': The man of many mysteries. :'''Diane Farrah''': And, yes, ladies, he is single -- or is he? :''[Dr. Holiday laughs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Excuse me. :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex and Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''White Knight''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[after the story airs]'' So, man of mystery, what's it like being a big star adored by women everywhere? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. ===Touch and Go=== ===The Siren's Lament=== * Flashbacks as to how Circe came to work for Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> ===Grounded=== ===Six Minus Six=== ===In Dreams=== ===Lions and Lambs=== <hr width80%> :''[Providence agents are standing in an industrial area, fingers on triggers. Rex flies in on jet pack and lands beside all the agents.]'' :'''Rex:''' Any sign? ''[Rex notices agents shaking in fear.]'' Alright then, who’s up for a burger, anyone? Tough crowd. :''[Six walks up.]'' :'''Six:''' These agents seem nervous. Haven’t they dealt with this situation before? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, that's kind of the problem. :''[Rex twitches, as if he is feeling Breach's presence.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Here she comes. :''[Breach appears in front of them. They fire at her. She sends their missiles and agents away with red portals.]'' :'''Six:''' How do we stop her? :'''Rex:''' ''[Smack Hands.]'' Hit hard and keep clear of anything that glows. :''[Breach has a collar around her neck like the one Van Kleiss wears, and a device on her chest like his only much larger and shackles are around her giant hands which look like Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical wrist. She opens a red portal. A giant jellyfish-like thing flies out at Six, then a large creature with a horn on its nose runs out. Rex jumps at Breach, she portals out, returns and the device on her chest starts sparking.]'' :'''Rex:''' What's with the new toy, Breach? :'''Breach:''' ''[Glares]'' Wouldn’t you like to know? :''[T-Rex appears through a gold colored portal, sniffs Rex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Seriously, where do you find these things? Let's see what you started out as, big guy. ''[Tries to cure.] Six? This... this isn't an EVO!'' It's an actual T-Rex! ...Six? :''[Rex runs from T-Rex.]'' :'''Breach:''' Have fun. ''[Leaves through red portal.]'' :''[Rex hides behind light pole, T-Rex pulls pole from ground, Rex falls to the ground.]'' :'''Six:''' I take it this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time? :'''Rex:''' Try never? This is all kinds of wrong. :''[Rex makes BFS, runs at T-Rex; Six runs at T-Rex, jumps on and stabs it in back.]'' :'''Holiday:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Six:''' You mean about to be extinct? :'''Holiday:''' If you destroy the scientific find of a lifetime, it won’t be the only thing. :'''Rex:''' It's trying to eat us. :'''Six:''' You heard the lady. Take it down soft. :'''Rex:''' Easy for you to say. :''[Rex lies on the ground holding the jaws open with Smack Hands and it slobbers on him.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Video of T-Rex in confinement field. The T-Rex turns to dust.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Breach is powerful enough as it is, and now you're telling me she can travel through time? :'''Holiday:''' However she's doing it, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. That dinosaur reverted to its actual age about less than two hours after arrival. :'''Caesar:''' Photo and deep scan analysis reveals some very interesting technology at work here. Van Kleiss has really stepped up his game. :'''White Knight:''' Skip the fan talk. How do we stop it? :'''Caesar:''' Until I get my hands on the device, I'm not certain we can. :'''White Knight:''' We have to bring her to our side. :'''Rex:''' The only way she's coming here is if she does it willingly. :'''White Knight:''' How do you propose we persuade her? :'''Rex:''' With me. ''[Six and Holiday stare at him skeptically.]'' I can be very convincing. Okay, okay. I think she might still have a thing for me. :'''Bobo:''' Atta boy, work it on the crazy chick. :'''White Knight:''' I don't care how we do it as long as we get results. Providence is under the microscope. It is the worst time for Van Kleiss to gain the upper hand. Get to it. Bring her in. :''[Six and Holiday walking out of the room together down the hall.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[To Holiday.]'' I need a word. Something's wrong with White. :'''Holiday:''' Oh. That. He’s always like this, Six. :'''Six:''' No. This is different. I know when something is bothering him. The secret meetings, the anxiety. He’s up to something. :'''Holiday:''' I'll see what I can find out. :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Rex on hoverboard, in Providence stealth suit.]'' :'''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Works pretty good. After all, I built it. ''[Loses control of board for a moment.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Van Kleiss's castle, Rex hiding by entrance.]'' :'''Rex:''' Going in. ''[Pulls up stealth mask, disappears partly, runs past guard.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Breach is hooked up to a large machine. Van Kleiss stands before her with a huge bank of controls and displays, spooky dark lighting. She screams.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is unacceptable, Breach. I need you to concentrate. :'''Breach:''' It hurts. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Think of what I'm trying to achieve here. I cannot fail. :''[Breach screams in agony and collapses.]'' :''[Rex looks down horrified, Van Kleiss grins, Breach screams and falls down.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll return when it recharges and we'll start again. :''[Rex holds his hand out to her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why do you let him do this to you? :'''Breach:''' Glory. :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss's glory. Is he even noticing how you're tearing yourself apart for him? Have you ever heard him say thank you? What do you say we blow this joint, you and me? He's hurting you. :'''Breach:''' It's not real. It can't hurt you if it isn't real. :'''Rex:''' Breach, look at me. It is. I'm real, all of this is real. You don't have to live this way. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why am I not surprised. Rex has come to rescue another of my lost sheep. Perhaps he'll try to save you next, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' That depends. Is he housebroken yet? :'''Biowulf:''' I am no traitor. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You’ve no doubt seen our little experiment. Breach shows great promise. She just needs a little fine tuning. :'''Rex:''' Then what? Go back in time and be king of the cavemen? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why not? It wouldn’t be much of a step down, now would it? Breach, if you would, remove our guest so we can continue. Practice makes perfect, or in your case, acceptable. :''[Breach makes a red portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach! Think about what you're doing. :''[Van Kleiss grins, she runs and puts her arms around Rex, portals out with Rex.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find her. Now. :''[Mountains, snow, Rex shivering.]'' :'''Rex:''' I'm glad you got us out of there, but where... are we? :'''Breach:''' When the snow is gone you can see forever. :'''Rex:''' That's nice. Can we go now? :'''Breach:''' I need to know if I can trust you. :'''Rex:''' You can trust me. I swear. :''[Breach grabs his hand and hugs him. He opens his eyes. They are standing on a shiny endless reflective surface, reflecting stars.]'' :'''Rex:''' This is different. :'''Breach:''' Do you see it? :'''Rex:''' Um-- :'''Breach:''' This is where the stillness comes from. :'''Rex:''' You. Are weird. So what exactly does this mean? Are you coming with me or is this some kind of test? :'''Breach:''' I need you to see it. :'''Rex:''' Ah... A test. :'''Breach:''' Do you wanna understand? :'''Rex:''' Not exactly sure. ''[She glares, he waves his hands in front of him.]'' Yes, I mean yes. I mean-- :'''Breach:''' Follow me. ''[Walks through red portal.]'' :''[Another place. A door, a doll, a bear and a fire hydrant float in space.]'' :''[Rex hanging upside down, she is holding him by his ankle above a swirling pink vortex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! What happened? I thought we were getting along fine! :'''Breach:''' Why are you here? :'''Rex:''' Good question. Where exactly is here? Can we go somewhere else now, somewhere like, on Earth? :''[She drops him. He screams and lands on the floor between some stacks of books.]'' :'''Rex:''' You sure know how to pick'em. What kind of tripped out dimension is this? ''[Librarian walks by and shushes him.]'' Oh. College. :'''White Knight:''' ''[On communicator in Rex's right ear.]'' Rex, report. Where on earth have you been? :'''Rex:''' Apparently every place but. :'''White Knight:''' I need to know you can handle this otherwise we're going to try a different approach. :'''Rex:''' You need to chill out, White. I’m making progress. ''[Rex puts his hand to his left ear.]'' Dr. Holiday, are you there? :'''Holiday:''' Tracking shows you’re with Breach. Are you okay? :'''Rex:''' Fine? Creeped out but fine. I can't bring Breach back to Providence, White would just lock her up and that won't help. :'''Holiday:''' Where will you take her? :'''Rex:''' I'll think of something. Just keep White Knight off my case. :''[Breach appears behind him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why don't you let me pick out where we go next? :''[Scene change.]'' :''[White Knight hands folded moving nervously.]'' :'''White Knight:''' He says he's making progress. :'''Black Knight:''' The committee is losing confidence. They want results, not excuses. :'''White Knight:''' Then that's exactly what they’ll get. :''[Scene change. Rex sits across from Breach in a booth at a bowling alley.]'' :'''Rex:''' Soooo, don't like bowling, huh? I figured with the extra arms you'd be a natural. :'''Breach:''' I'm not supposed to like you, but I do. :'''Rex:''' ''[smiles]'' We're teenagers. At least assuming you are. Doing what we are not supposed to is part of the job. French fry? :''[She takes it and then drops it.]'' :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? From before you... changed? :'''Breach:''' I remember everything. And nothing. :'''Rex:''' Naturally. Why did I even bother to ask. Listen, Breach. I'm not going to pretend I understand you, ''[Puts his hand on her giant hand]'' but I can help. If you let me. :''[The machine starts to glow, they jump to their feet, other people look startled.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. :'''Breach:''' I can't, I can't stop it. :'''Rex:''' Let me try. ''[He tries and it knocks him onto the floor sparking.]'' :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss has control. They're coming. :''[Van Kleiss busts through the door with The Pack following. Raises bio-mechanical hand, palm of it glows, device on Breach's chest turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Okay, do your thing. Get us out of here. Anywhere. :''[she tries]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You can't take what doesn't belong to you. :'''Rex:''' I didn't take you for the jealous type. ''[Rex shoots bowling balls at Van Kleiss with his cannon, hits Biowulf and Skalamander in the face and Van Kleiss punches the balls aside with his bio-mechanical hand.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach, let's go! :''[Breach rides off with Rex on hoverboard, Van Kleiss and Pack follow on three flying fish EVO's with harnesses and big teeth. They dodge and crash Van Kleiss into a window, and land in a park.]'' :''[Breach and Rex stand together on a footbridge looking down into the water.]'' :'''Breach:''' ''[Walks to bridge and looks at her reflection, Rex follows.]'' Will they hurt me? :'''Rex:''' Providence? Not if I can help it. :'''Breach:''' They did before. Ms. Smarty Pants—she likes to hurt me. :'''Rex:''' I'll give you my word, if you come back to Providence, I promise no one will hurt you. :'''Breach:''' We can be together forever and ever. ''[She walks off bridge, ducks swimming in water.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... something like that. What am I getting myself into? We gotta move. I bet my brother has already figured out how to turn that thing of yours off. :''[The ducks fly off, they look and see a reflection in the pond of White Knight's ship.]'' :''[White Knight walks up followed by Providence fighter planes.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh guys, what are you doing?! :'''White Knight:''' If you can't have something done right, do it yourself. :''[They shoot at Breach, she screams, Rex is horrified.]'' :'''Rex:''' No! No! No! ''[walks up bridge to White Knight]'' Do have any idea what you just did? :''[Breach's chest device turns on, she screams, Providence shoots at her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Is this what you wanted? Congratulations! ''[runs to Breach]'' Breach! Wait! :'''Breach:''' Liar! ''[Throws red portal at Rex, he dodges, second one hits him, he disappears. Providence keeps shooting, she throw portals, drops three soldiers in water.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Agent Six! :''[He jumps at her, she portals him away to behind Knight. Rex jumps from the water onto the bridge by Knight.]'' :'''Rex:''' You had no intention to bring her in, did you? :'''White Knight:''' I wanted to believe you, Rex, but this is too important. She can't be controlled. :'''Rex:''' Control... Her powers are back on. Van Kleiss. :''[Van Kleiss arrives on flying fish EVO.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Settle down, Breach. :''[Chest device turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Let me do this. I can get through to her. Come on. It couldn't get any worse than you've already made it :''[Knight and Six look at each other.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Form a perimeter around Breach. Van Kleiss isn't to touch her. :''[A rock wall rises from the ground blocking Rex as he runs towards Breach. The Pack jumps down from wall to attack Rex, Six intervenes. Agents surround Breach, she tries and fails to make red portal. Screams. Van Kleiss flies in on fish, knocks down agents with bio-mechanical whip arm, shoots needles from fingers and knocks more down, fish knocks the rest down. White Knight shoots at Van Kleiss.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' If you had any idea what I was trying to do you might even welcome it. :'''White Knight:''' Enlighten me. :''[Van Kleiss touches a tree and it turns into an EVO. EVO tree catches and holds White. Six and Biowulf fight, Rex and Skalamander fight.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Enlighten you? :''[Sticks his claws in White Knight, glowing White Knight screams.]'' All in good time, White Knight, assuming you have some left. :''[Six throws a magnablade through Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical arm and he lets go of White.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[to White Knight]'' Go. I mean it. ''[White Knight flies off.]'' :'''Six:''' The name's Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' We've met. :'''Six:''' Don't remember. ''[They fight.]'' :''[Breach on merry-go-round, turning slowly looking at the sky. :'''Rex:''' You're just using her. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Of course I am. She knows it. Spare me the chivalry, Rex. Providence would do the same. :'''Rex:''' Either way you slice it, she loses! :'''Breach:''' ''[to herself]'' My two favorites. You both lie. Neither is real. :'''Rex:''' ''[goes to her]'' Breach, I'm sorry. I meant what I said. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Words mean nothing. :'''Rex:''' Then let this do the talking. ''[Turns on her machine, puts it into her power.]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You just handed her a loaded gun. :'''Rex:''' And now it's her choice how to use it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh if only I had the chance to get through to you, Rex, to teach you how the world really works. :''[Breach steps in front of Van Kleiss, raises her arms as if to send Rex away. Makes huge yellow portal above them.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our very first time traveler. You should be honored. Now Breach, if you wouldn't mind. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :''[Rex closes his eyes. Breach sends Van Kleiss away with yellow portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' That was... unexpected. :''[Rex tries to turn machine off but fails.]'' :'''Rex:''' It won't turn off. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know. :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss made it like this so I wouldn't send him away. :'''Rex:''' That didn't work out so well did it? Six, get everyone out of here now! ''[A big yellow dome forms around the playground where Rex and Breach stand.]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what's going to happen? :''[Rex and Breach are about to be engulfed by Breach's out of control time portal]'' :'''Breach''': ''[she looks up]'' I don't know if any of this was real. But it was nice having a friend for a while. ''[Rex smiles, Breach hugs him as they dispensary in the golden time portal]'' :'''Rex:''' I didn't get blown up. ''[Sees a lizard.]'' Whoa! ''[Jumps away, startled.]'' Oh no, please don't let this be dino time. ''[Touches earpiece in left ear.]'' Rex to Providence, do you copy? :''[Takes earpiece out and looks at it.]'' Oh... Rex to Providence, you better be there. :'''Providence Agent:''' Uh... we copy, Rex. We have a lock on your coordinates and are sending a jump jet. :'''Rex:''' Is Six okay? Breach went supernova. :'''Providence Agent:''' Someone's on the way, just hold tight. Providence out. :''[Scene change, Rex lying on the ground.]'' :'''Rex:''' Took you long enough. :''[Turns over and sees Providence agents, pointing guns at him.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex is onboard. Heading back to HQ. :'''Rex:''' HQ? Ten minutes ago I was in the middle of an epic battle. You need to take me back! :'''Providence Agent:''' Um, that battle is over. :'''Rex:''' What happened? Is Six okay? Guys...what's going on? :''[They arrive at HQ.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Baby brother, you're okay! ''[Runs and hugs him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach just sent me to nowheresville. Nothing to freak out over. :'''Caesar:''' ''[To Providence agent.]'' You didn't tell him? :'''Providence Agent:''' Our orders were just to bring him back. :'''Rex:''' Tell me what? Hey, when did you... have a beard? :'''Caesar:''' There's no easy way to tell you this, hermano. Breach didn't just send you to the middle of nowhere. You've been gone for six months. :'''Rex:''' Six months?! So this is-- :'''Caesar:''' Technically, the future. I should warn you, there've been a few changes. :'''Rex:''' You didn't give away my room, did you? :'''Caesar:''' As a matter of fact, they did. :'''Rex:''' What?! Caesar, tell me what's going on here. :'''Caesar:''' It would be better if I showed you. :'''Rex:''' White Knight taking visitors now? :'''Caesar:''' I'll wait out here. :''[Rex sees Providence agents dressed in black.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice suits. :''[Goes into the office.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ah... Love what you've done with the place. White? :''[Person in chair turns around, it's a woman, not White Knight.]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Thank you, Rex. ''[She gets up and walks towards him.]'' It was a little bright for my taste. White Knight is no longer associated with this organization. :'''Rex:''' He quit? :'''Black Knight:''' He...attempted a hostile takeover and failed. Can I get you anything? Water? A snack? :'''Rex:''' I don't want a snack! Where's Six? Where's Holiday!? :'''Black Knight:''' This must upsetting to you. Change is never easy but from I understand, you've been in situations like this before. Everything's going to be fine. :'''Rex:''' Who are you?! :'''Black Knight:''' Someone very happy to have you back. Call me Black Knight. ==Season Three (2011-2013)== ===Back in Black=== : '''Rex''': Okay, I get what's going on here. : '''Black Knight''': I'm relieved to hear that, Rex. : '''Rex''': You can come out! I know you're there! : '''Black Knight''': Rex? : '''Rex''': We're friends, now, remember? Breach? : '''Black Knight''': Breach isn't here, Rex. The world's changed. As soon you accept th-- : '''Rex''': No, I'm not ignoring you. It's just that you're not real. : '''Black Knight''': I assure you I'm very real-- as is all of this. : '''Rex''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, come on. It's been a fun time in the ol' Breachscape, but, you know, time to go home now. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Seen this before. Usually ends with a black hole. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, you're disoriented. Let me-- : '''Rex''': Sorry, non-lady. No time. Got an exit to find! Shall we aprehend? : '''Black Knight''': It won't be necessary. : '''Caesar''': Rex! Have you lost it? : '''Rex''': Caesar! We're in a pocket dimension! It could collapse at any second! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar''': That's crazy, Rex. This is not a pocket dimension. : '''Rex''': You're right! It's a whole alternate universe! And-- and-- and you're my Brother's evil twin! Out of the way! Six! Six! Doc! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex''': Dr. Holiday! Doc! : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': Wha-- Well, at least some things haven't changed. Whoa! Whoa! Okay, now I-- Bleh-- know I'm in an-- Aah!-- alternate universe. Unh! You can go ahead and -- Blech!-- Eat me now, please. : '''Black Knight''': Release. : '''Rex''': You were... saying something about changes? : '''Black Knight''': There have been a few. : '''Caesar''': You've got temporal lag, Rex. It's kind of like altitude sickness, only in time. Here-- This will balance your electrolytes. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': So this is really-- : '''Black Knight''': Really. Welcome to the future, Rex-- Or, rather, to the present. Without your healing abilities, Providence has embraced a new paradigm. We've moved beyond the outmoded era of "cure, contain, or kill." : '''Rex''': And into the era of "serious leash laws". : '''Caesar''': We used the petting zoo as our test bed. What do you think? : '''Rex''': I think it needs a new name, 'cause, you know, now it really is one. : '''Caesar''': We've developed new techniques for working with EVOs. It's all about understanding them better. : '''Rex''': So, you're some sort of "EVO whisperer"? : '''Caesar''': ''[laughs]'' It's a bit more complicated than that. You sure you're okay? ''[sighs]'' It's good to have you back, brother. : '''Black Knight''': Family ties. They transcend even time itself. : '''Rex''': Caesar's not my only family. : '''Black Knight''': I'll bring you up to speed on the others. When you went M.I.A., White Knight lost his biggest weapon in the war for EVO containment. : '''Rex''': Figures that I have to vanish for him to appreciate me. : '''Black Knight''': White became erratic-- some might say paranoid. Directorate lost faith in his ability to lead. : '''Rex''': Directorate? I never knew white even had a boss. : '''Black Knight''': There are, shall we say, layers. I was named as his replacement. : '''Rex''': Let me guess-- he didn't take it well. : '''Black Knight''': You could say that. : '''Providence Agent''': White Knight! Sir! Stand down! : '''White Knight''': I'd rather go down in flames than see Providence in the hands of the enemy. : '''Providence Agent''': He's got a bomb! Fall back! All units fall ba-- : '''Rex''': Whoa! That was-- : '''Black Knight''': Your room. : '''Rex''': Huh? Aww, man! But... Six... Holiday... where-- : '''Black Knight''': Where do you think? They're out looking for you. Agent Six and Holiday took indefinite leave. They've been off the grid ever since. I've attempted to contact them, but no response. : '''Rex''': Mind if... I give them a ring? Not that I don't trust you. : '''Black Knight''': But you don't trust me. Natural, given the circumstances. Be my guest. It won't take long, to locate them. Meanwhile, there are many familiar faces who will be glad to hear you're back. Which reminds me... This is everything we salvaged from your room. : '''Rex''': Huh. Talk about starting over. : '''Black Knight''': You could you know. There's still a place for you in the-- : '''Rex''': My room. I thought you said it was trashed. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, wait. : '''Rex''': What's the matter, Black? This where you're hiding all your evil secrets? : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex''': Um... Wow! : '''Black Knight''': This entire wing was destroyed in the blast. I had the space... repurposed. : '''Rex''': White wouldn't even splurge for private stalls. : '''Black Knight''': As you see, I treat my finest people to the very finest things. : '''Rex''': Sure. I'll take one of those, please. : '''Black Knight''': It's yours-- and anything else you'd like. : '''Rex''': As long as I do whatever you want-- That it? : '''Black Knight''': On the contrary-- you're a seasoned agent. I have a few boundaries, but otherwise, handle matters as you see fit. : '''Rex''': Say I refuse. : '''Black Knight''': Then I turn you over to mel. ''[chuckling]'' I'm kidding. You're free to leave whenever you like. But I hope you'll stay. Now, more than ever, Providence needs a Rex. So, how do you feel? Like I haven't used one of those in Six months-- Which I haven't. You mind? Bobo? : '''Bobo''': Rex! Heard you were back. So great to see you, buddy. Whoa. Just a sec, there, pal. Gotta love those certain towelettes. : ''[Bobo whistling]'' : '''Bobo''': What? Never seen a monkey wash his hands before? : '''Rex''': Not this one. : ''[Bobo munching]'' : '''Rex''': You wanna tell me what's gotten into you or what? : '''Bobo''': What are you talking abou-- Unh! Hey! : '''Rex''': Sorry. For a minute, I thought you were... : '''Bobo''': Robo Bobo? Wanna check for a tv in my butt? : '''Rex''': Pass. But come on. You've, I don't know, mellowed or something. : '''Bobo''': Guess I just don't have a big need to act out these days, what with you and everyone gone. Plus, the employee benefits are pretty sweet. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, we've got a little EVO problem. Providence could use your help. Ready to get back in the game? : '''Rex''': If it involves getting out of here, that would be a "yes." You coming? : '''Bobo''': I'll join ya on the next one. I got Tai Chi at 2:00. : '''Rex''': Missing an EVO smackdown? That doesn't sound like you. : '''Bobo''': Did I mention the instructor has a thing for back hair? : '''Rex:''' Ew. Okay. That sounds like you. What is it and where do I find it? : '''Providence Agent''': We've got an EVO in the subway tunnels, people trapped in one of the trains. The power's out down there, too. : '''Rex:''' Sounds like a street worm. Sure it's just one? Rex to H.Q. Okay, new chief, how do you want to do this? : '''Black Knight:''' You're the expert. : '''Rex:''' I am? Uh, I mean, of course I am. It's just that Six usually-- : '''Black Knight:''' You don't need help, Rex. Handle it as you see fit. Black, out. : '''Rex:''' What's this strange feeling that's come upon me? Could it be... : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex''': Responsibility?! Okay. Assemble your guys over there. Be ready for me. Should the guys grab flashlight. Or... better. Not a bad pre-show. Now for the main event. : '''Providence Agent:''' How did you know? : '''Rex:''' These things usually travel in pairs. I used lights from my builds to make it think I was another worm. Have your bug net handy. They're so cute after I shut them down. : '''Rex:''' Sorry B.K. No can cure. : '''Black Knight:''' Understood. Our team will take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Um, take what where? : '''Providence Agent:''' Move into the vehicle! Move... into... the vehicle! Hit her again! : '''Rex:''' Um, what just happend? : '''Black Knight:''' That's all for now, Rex. Nicely done. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Wait. What are you gonna do with it? : '''Providence Agent:''' Standard rehab and re-lo. It's all very humane. : '''Rex:''' I'd love to see that. Mind if I tag along? : '''Black Knight:''' Sorry, Rex. Authorized personnel only. You've done your job. Now let the team theirs. : '''Rex:''' But-- : '''Black Knight:''' Boundaries, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Boundaries. Got it. Rex, out. : '''Caesar:''' Main container reached. Attach stabilizer ring. : '''Rex:''' Humane? Yeah, right. : ''[Bobo yawns]'' : '''Bobo:''' See? Great employee benefits. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Right. Hey, you got a tag sticking out in the back. Mind if I-- : '''Bobo:''' Thanks, pal. Well, off to yoga. : '''Caesar:''' You really shouldn't be here, hermano. : '''Rex:''' The petting zoo? The worm? My monkey practicing good hygiene? You're using that thing to control my friend! : '''Caesar:''' He's still the same Bobo you know and love. He just need a few boundaries. : '''Rex:''' He's not the same, and neither are you! You should hear yourself! : '''Caesar:''' Making the world safer isn't possible without some form of control. And you'd better get some control of yourself, mijo. : '''Rex:''' Or what? You'll use that thing on me? : '''Caesar:''' Open your eyes to all the good we're accomplishing. Isn't this better than smacking them with your giant fists? : '''Rex:''' That's combat! I protect people and property! Okay, property, not so much, but this? If you can't see the difference, then maybe I never knew you at all! : '''Caesar:''' It doesn't matter. I have work to do. : '''Rex:''' So do I! : ''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Uses his Smack Hands to smash everything around him]'' : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Stop! : '''Black Knight:''' Snooping around, Rex? See, that's another one of my boundaries. : '''Rex:''' White Knight may have had his issues, but he never resorted to anything like this! : '''Black Knight:''' I never planned to do this, Rex, but you've become a danger. : '''Rex''' ''[shocked]'': Caesar! Think! You can't do this! : '''Caesar:''' Of course I'm thinking. This is the logical conclusion to what we started. : '''Rex:''' The logical-- Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Raaah! Aah! : ''[Caesar blasts the mind-control laser, causing Rex to scream and groan in pain]'' : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. You'll thank me later. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You... better... believe I will! : '''Caesar:''' Please don't resist! It's only painful if you struggle! : '''Black Knight:''' What's taking so long? : '''Caesar:''' He's fighting it! His nantic energy is spiking off the scale! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Boost power. : '''Caesar:''' It's not safe to-- : '''Black Knight:''' It's for the best. : ''[Caesar increases power, causing Rex's nanites to go haywire as a tear fall down his cheek, heartbroken about his own brother betraying him]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Manages to overpower the mind-control machine, much to the surprise and wonder of Caesar and Black Knight]'' : '''Rex:''' You just drew a line in the sand, bro! ''[runs off]'' : '''Black Knight:''' You'd better have a backup. : '''Caesar:''' The prototype. Not portable, but more than enough power, even for him. : '''Black Knight:''' Get it ready. : '''Rex:''' Unh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' No mood to get slimed right now, mel! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' What happened to your EVO control? : '''Black Knight:''' A demonstration. You know what would happen without our influence. : '''Rex:''' So, you're hijacking its brain, like you tried to do with mine. : '''Black Knight:''' That won't be necessary if you'll willingly cooperate. : '''Rex:''' Translation-- if I do everything you say. : '''Black Knight:''' You've seen how we can work together. Providence still needs you. There will always be a few EVOs we can't control. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I'm one of them. : '''Black Pawns:''' Shall we pursue? : '''Black Knight:''' Most definitely. : '''Rex:''' Gangway! Coming through! Huh? No! Huh. Black Pawns. Overdoing the whole theme, don't you think? : ''[Rex groaning]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yah! I'm getting beat up by the chess club! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' We... got off on the wrong foot. Stow the hardware and come with us. You have my word you won't be harmed. We can start over-- the right way. : '''Bobo:''' You mind? You're interrupting the enjoyment of my employee benefits. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : ''[Rex panting]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Rex was tranquilized]'' Excellent work. Take him to the lab. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? No way! You're not turning my brain to mashed potatoes! Doc?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Welcome back, Rex. : '''Six:''' Good to see you, kid. : '''Rex:''' Before I blame this on a Burrito-induced nightmare, will someone please tell me-- What... Is... Going... On?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What do you think? We've been looking for you. : '''Six:''' We knew Providence might find you first. Fortunately, we planted a mole. : '''Bobo:''' Ehh. Rex! Put 'er there! : '''Rex:''' Uhh! You didn't wash! Oh! You didn't wash! But that means... that he really was... Robo Bobo? : '''Bobo:''' In the flesh. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Literally. I gave it a biological upgrade, complete with his own nanites and... fleas, ticks, lice, chigger mites. : '''Bobo:''' What can I say? I'm an ecosystem. : '''Six:''' It's enough to fool your brother's equipment. The robot is only providing limited intel. But one thing is sure-- new Providence is about more than just getting Evos off the streets. : '''Rex:''' I saw it. Whatever they're doing over there is seriously messed up. : '''Six:''' That's why we've set up our own operation. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Where did you get all of this? : '''Six:''' We have our sources. : '''Rex:''' So, we're like super secret spies now? Cool! :''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's too bad about White, though. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm gonna miss that pasty guy. : '''White Knight:''' How touching, Rex. I, on the other hand, would rather enjoyed the last six Rex-free months. Now... if we're done with the love-in, we have work to do. : '''Rex:''' It really can't get any better than this. Oh, except one thing-- can I get a TV? ===Crash and Burn=== *From this episode, Rex can create two builds at once :''[Bobo yawns]'' :'''Bobo:''' They say nothin' good happens after midnight. And, you know, they're right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm worried about you, Bobo. Since we left Providence, you've been staying out every night. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo gulps]'' :'''Bobo:''' That's not the least of your worries. Seen our boy lately? :''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex is fine. He just needs time to adjust to our new setting. Rex? It's Holiday. Are you there? :'''Rex:''' Hey, doc. What up? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Just checking in. Everything okay? :'''Rex:''' Better than okay. I'm about to set a new land-speed record' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That wasn't what I meant. How are you feeling? :'''Rex:''' Appreciate the concern, but the only thing on my mind right now is the need for speed. Apparently, I'm not alone. I'll call you back. Hey! Slow down! I want to talk to you! Ah. You want to play chicken. Doc? Bobo? I'm getting blitzed by some bikers. Aah! :'''Rand:''' Might as well give up! I won't quit! I'm a relentless, never-say-die, nonstop-- Uh, hey, wait a minute. Who are you? :'''Rex:''' Think you could have asked me that before trying to run me down? :'''Rand:''' Ooh! My fault. I thought you were one of us. :'''Rex:''' "One of us"? What is this? :'''Rand:''' Sorry, dude. No time to chat. Peace. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, like I'm gonna take that for an answer. A street race? Or a demolition derby? :''[Lance grunts]'' :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Lance:''' Gonna need a bike. :'''Rex:''' Can't believe you survive that! You must be the luckiest guy on the-- These are nanites. :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Oh, come on! :'''Six:''' Something wrong? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Prototypes. I prefer tried-and-tested. And I don't even know what we're going to do with half of this stuff. :'''Bobo:''' You're goin' soft, gettin' worked over by a bunch of goofballs on motorcycles. :'''Rex:''' They had weapons. :'''Bobo:''' Last time I checked, so did you. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but not while I'm on my bike. I'm strictly one at a time. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites that have infected his body are slowly poisoning him. I've never seen anything like it. :'''Rex:''' Do what you can, Doc? I'm gonna go out and look for those racers. :'''Bobo:''' Sounds dangerous. :'''Rex:''' Sure, Bobo. You can come, too. The nanites we found on the biker gave off a different energy signature. Gonna use one of Holiday's new toys to try to scan for it. A bunch of them. And they're moving fast. :'''Bobo:''' Then step on it! Maybe Holiday has a point about prototypes! :'''Rex:''' Or maybe they're not on the streets. I'll watch the road. You watch the screen. :'''Bobo:''' Gotta warn you-- Chimps make bad navigators! :'''Rex:''' Just do it! :'''Bobo:''' Hmm? Left! You're goin' left! Make a right! Another right! :'''Rex:''' Which way? :'''Bobo:''' I don't know! That way-ish! Wah! Like I said-- Monkeys make great navigators! This is your biker gang? :'''Rex:''' They had weapons before I'm telling you-- They're tough! :'''Bobo:''' If you say so. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Wall. :''[Bobo and Rex grunts]'' :'''Moss:''' That's some fancy ridin'. You following us, kid? :'''Rex:''' Still think they don't look tough? :'''Bobo:''' I take it back. :'''Moss:''' Who are you, kid? 'Cause whoever you are, you're not bad. :'''Rand:''' You're awesome! Where'd you learn to ride like that? Anybody with that kind of skill should be with us. Yeah! :'''Moss:''' What's your secret? :'''Rex:''' No secret. I'm just built that way. :'''Lunk:''' Is that guy from TV-- The one who fights EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Five bucks for pictures, ten bucks for autographs. :'''Rand:''' A talking monkey! Outrageous! I gotta have one. Is he for sale? :'''Bobo:''' Brother, you can't afford me. :'''Rex:''' You guys seem tight-- For guys who try to kill each other. :'''Rand:''' We're not killers. We're racers. This is a legitimate sport. :'''Moss:''' It is what it is. Our races aren't for the weak. Name's Moss. You've met Rand. :'''Rex:''' He tried to blow me up. :'''Rand:''' I missed. You're welcome. Come on, don't leave me hangin'. :'''Moss:''' Never met a celebrity who could ride. :'''Rex:''' I caught you, didn't I? :'''Moss:''' But are you tough enough try me? :'''Rex:''' Try me. :'''Bobo:''' You gotta fight back? :'''Rex:''' With what? :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. Fine, leave it to Chimpy. Aah! I'll take that. Phbt! :'''Rex:''' Something else on the map-- Moving fast! And it's big! :'''Providence Agent:''' Halt! You kids! Pull over! Now! :'''Moss:''' Cops! :'''Bobo:''' Worst than cops-- Providence. :'''Rex:''' The bikes give off a nanite signature. They must have tracked it. :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex, what are you doing here? :'''Rex:''' Research. You don't want to get caught up in this! Back off now! Sorry, guys. Have Black Knight sent me the bill. :'''Rand:''' Ha! No way! You want to beat me, you gotta step your game up. Aah! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Rand! :'''Bobo:''' Don't stop! Kid's wearing armor. He's fine. :'''Rex:''' No! Something's wrong! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' What is this thing? Doc? Get over here quick. We've got another one. :'''Biker gangs:''' WHOO-HOO-HOO! :''[Biker gangs laughs]'' :'''Biker gangs:''' Yeah! :'''Moss:''' We thought you'd bailed on us. Where were you? :'''Rex:''' Watching a doctor try to save Rand's life. :'''Moss:''' Racers get sick sometimes. It's part of the life. :'''Rex:''' Those nanite power sources-- you got to stop using them. To feel one with the road, that rush? So some people get sick. When we're on our rides, nothing else matters. :'''Rex:''' Your rides are killing you! You're gonna be dead-- All of you! And for what? So you can go a little faster? :'''Moss:''' We need those things to ride. You know what it's like. :'''Lunk:''' Please. Don't take our bikes away. :'''Rex:''' Nobody's going to take your bikes. But I need to know where you got those nanites. :'''Lunk:''' ''[sighs]'' A guy named Valve. He supplies the superchargers. :'''Moss:''' You're wasting your time. Valve never talks to anybody. :'''Rex:''' He'll talk to me. :'''Bobo:''' Been in a lot of bad biker dives, but this is the worst I've ever seen. :'''Valve:''' Enter, strangers. The biker will see you now. Please, sit. May I offer you some tea? :'''Rex:''' I'll pass. :'''Valve:''' Suit yourself. I find a good cup of tea soothing-- for the body and the soul. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Valve:''' You don't have to tell the biker why you're here. The biker can tell. You wish to buy a supercharger. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Rex:''' Your superchargers are killing people. It's gonna stop. :''[Valve breathes deeply]'' :'''Valve:''' Hmm. That sounds like a challenge. :'''Rex:''' Maybe it is. I'll race you for them. If I win, you hand over your entire stockpile. :'''Valve:''' Shh! Your answer is on the wind. :'''Rex:''' You're... not right in the head, are you? :'''Valve:''' When the wind commands, the impossible game must be gamed. The challenge is accepted. We will race for the superchargers. And when the biker wins... It won't matter. :'''Rex:''' Why is that? :'''Valve:''' Because you'll be dead. Let the race begin. :'''Moss:''' This is his own private track. He knows it better than anyone. You can still back out-- Probably. :'''Rex:''' And let people become poison, like Valve? No. I can take him. Just give me something to hit him with. You guys are walking arsenals. You don't have anything? :'''Moss:''' You didn't think we'd need 'em today. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Message from Holiday. The two sick teens have stabilized, but she's still a ways from finding a cure. :'''Rex:''' It was the only weapon I could find, okay? Can I borrow the sword? :'''Six:''' Use your own. :'''Rex:''' On wheels? It's not gonna happen. :'''Six:''' What's stopping you? :'''Rex:''' Well, for one thing, I-- Um, not sure exactly. :'''Six:''' What have I been teaching you? Focus on what you want and make it happen. No more excuses. :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :'''Valve:''' You're lucky. One the very best get a chance at this track. :'''Rex:''' Then I should fit right in. Rules of the game-- ten laps. Cross the finish line before the biker, and you may have them. :'''Rex:''' So, is the wind talking to you now? :'''Valve:''' The wind commands the Biker to destroy you. The Biker is happy to oblige. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' You gonna help him? :'''Six:''' He's doing fine. :'''Bobo:''' Are you watchin' the same race I am? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You're in trouble, Rex! No. Keep it together. Keep... it... together. Six said it-- Focus. Focus. Focus! :''[Valve laughs]'' :'''Valve:''' Oblivion. :'''Six:''' Like I sad-- He's doing fine. :'''Rex:''' Double-up! Where have you been all my life? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Cute toy. But I like mine better. :'''Valve:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Was there any doubt? :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, plenty. :''[Valve panting]'' :'''Rex:''' We had the deal. Remember? :'''Valve:''' Like the storm that changes directions on a whim, the biker is changing the deal. 'Cause the biker-- ''[grunts]'' Doesn't like! ''[grunts]'' The biker-- ''[grunts]'' never loses! ''[grunts]'' Unh! :'''Rex:''' First time for everything. Thank you, Six. :'''Six:''' It was all you, kid. :'''Moss:''' Rand! :'''Biker gangs:''' Oh, Rand! Good to see you! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Completely detoxified. In a couple days, they'll be back to full strength. Those could be useful at the new base. :'''Moss:''' You can't stop us from riding. :'''Rex:''' What's stopping you? You can still ride. You just won't be poisoned by nanites. Come on. Race you back to the garage. :''[Rex rides off]'' :'''Moss:''' ''[Chasing after Rex]'' You heard the man. Hit it! :'''Six:''' You do realize we just turned a group of reckless teenage boys loose on the city. :'''Bobo:''' All in a day's work. ===Heroes United, Part 1=== :'''Caesar:''' Now where are you? So it ''is'' you. This is most disturbing. <hr width80%> : '''Ben:''' You know the friend you care about!? Well, I have a cousin, a grandfather, a best friend that I care about!! They don't exist here! I may never see them again! I'm totally alone! So go ahead! Do your worst. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we can help each other. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I'm curious how big brother knows about something from a parallel dimension. : '''Caesar:''' Because I sent it there. In the early days of the Nanite Project, our goal was simple. Construct microscopic machines to cure diseases, grow new cells, regenerate bones. They was a control issue. Some thought a human-machine link was the answer. Others proposed that the machines control themselves. I was in latter cam. I developed the Alpha to control other nanites. To maximize its effectiveness, I had to program Alpha to think for itself. :'''Ben:''' Does a low explanation mean something bad on your Earth too? :'''Rex:''' Yep. :'''Caesar:''' Alpha developed its own consciousness. It evolved into a unique life-form. It wanted a body, but whatever it built burned out. So when Alpha attempted possessing living this, Alpha had to be eliminated. So I built a dimensional disruptor. :'''Ben:''' Looks like a Null Void gun. We got some like those back home, too. ===Heroes United, Part 2=== :'''Alpha:''' The nanites in those creatures. They are different, powerful. Your nanites are weak. I have no use for you. Where is the boy? :'''Holiday:''' His nanites are off limits!! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' My brother!? Look around! He's not here! :'''Alpha:''' The father is redundant. Now that I found you. <hr width80%> :'''Alpha:''' I cannot merge! What makes you so special, human? Yes. You shelter an Omega. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Don't let it get to Rex! If it drains his nanites-! :'''Diamondhead:''' Game over. I get it. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': My most powerful builds came from the Omega nanite. A lot of people are going to get hurt and I can't stop it. What happens when the best you can do just isn't enough? :'''Ben''': You get an Upgrade. :'''Rex:''' Weren't you listening? Alpha has the Omega. :'''Ben:''' I'm not talking about a nanite. :(''Transforms into Upgrade'') :'''Rex''': Hey, what are you- ''[Upgrade merges with Rex]'' Whoa, okay, that feels weird. ''[Upgrade covers Rex's body like a suit]'' Wow, what supposed to happen now? ''[Upgrade's head appears on Rex's left shoulder]'' Uh...don't do that, you freaking me out! :'''Upgrade''': Build something! :'''Rex''': ''[Builds a Smack Arm, which is modified by Upgrade]'' Sweet, so what's the plan? :'''Upgrade''': You build stuff, I make it better. Fight fight fight, we win! :'''Rex''': Works for me! ''[Rex builds a Boogie Pack and blasts off]'' <hr width80%> :'''Alpha''': Organics who rely on machines for their power, I don't need. The machines themselves, now those I will have. ===Phantom of the Soap Opera=== :'''Rex Salazar:''' In a world he never chose and barely understands... ''[Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene]'' One incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. ''[jumps into a lake scene]'' Forget train wrecks... ''[punches]'' And car wrecks... ''[kicks]'' Nothing brings the pain like this Rex. ''[runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.]'' :'''Actor in costume:''' Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. :'''Noah Nixon:''' Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. :'''Actor in costume:''' Ah, dude? :''[Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. :''[Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' That's a closed set. ''[Noah pulls on his hair]'' C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got this. ''[pulls girls back from stage with turbines]'' I just don't get girls, how come they get so... ''[notices something behind Noah, acts all excited]'' Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. :'''Rex Salazar:''' You mean like pages? ''[Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. ''[makes binocular with his hands]'' :'''Head Page:''' You got that right bub. ''[Rex looks behind him, and jumps away]'' By the way Page, you lose something? ''[has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope]'' Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. ''[Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls]'' :'''Head Page:''' ''[points to her left eye]'' I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. :''[On set of telenovela]'' :''[Isabella crying]'' :'''Reymundo:''' Pensabas que yo era tu marido. ¡Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermano diabólico de Reynaldo. :'''Isabella:''' Yo sé, pero todavía te amo. :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen]'' How can anyone say that's not great! :''[Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa? Celebrities know you? :''[There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. :''[Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. :'''Noah Nixon:''' It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... ''[drops tray]'' It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. :''[Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' AHHH! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[looks down at tray and jacket]'' Ohhhhh... :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, okay don't worry... :'''Head Page:''' ''[yelling at another page behind Rex]'' You call yourself a page! :'''Rex:''' Okay worry. ''[puts his fingers together]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! :'''Rex Salazar:''' No you're not. Come on, move! :''[They run to a supply closet.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' I've gotta lead another tour in 45 minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in 45 minutes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is my bad, but I can fix this. ''[Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating]'' We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. ''[Rex points at Noah]'' Noah, calm down! :''[Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Not helping. ''[Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Uh... yeah, I guess? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. :''[Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.]'' :''[Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :'''Isabella:''' Finally! You are here! :''[Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? :'''Isabella:''' Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. :'''Isabella:''' You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. :''[A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Is that our page? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :''[Rex falls]'' :'''Isabella:''' He's mine, I saw him first! :''[Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.]'' :'''Isabella:''' He is mine!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hum? :'''Beatriz:''' Why don't we let him decide? :'''[Rex is being pulled back and forth]'' :'''Isabella:''' You would like that wouldn't you? :'''Beatriz:''' Yes I would! Very much. :'''Isabella:''' Fine. :''[Girls growl at each other and walk away.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[grinning]'' Did they just cat-fight over me? :''[The girls come back with lists.]'' :'''Isabella:''' Here is a list of what I need you to do! :'''Beatriz:''' And here's mine! :'''Rex Salazar:''' You want me to work on the show? :'''Beatriz:''' Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. :'''Rex Salazar:''' But I'm not ... ''[looks over the girls]'' ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. :''[Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. :'''Isabella:''' You are dead to me! But I will take this one. ''[takes yogurt]'' :''[Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.]'' :''[Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? ''[offers him a mug of coffee]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Gracias. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Leche? :'''Reynaldo:''' How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh, okay, didn't know that. Sugar? :''[Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? :''[Rex looks around and the phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex, where are you? :'''Reynaldo:''' No phone! ''[Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.]'' You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! ''[grabs Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait what are you... ''[Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing]'' ...Oh, thanks! :''[Everyone runs up to them.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Not another accidente! :'''Isabella:''' ''[scared]'' Ay. Dios mio! No! :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's okay, I'm fine. :'''Isabella:''' ''[pushes Rex down]'' My jogurt! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up... ''[whispers to man though they look at him]'' Oh. ''[Reynaldo hands him the mop.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. :'''Reynaldo:''' Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... ''[another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground]'' Aahh... Por que? Ay. :''[Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ugh! Clowns. :''[The mongoose squeaks.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. :''[Mongo growls, bears teeth]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. ''[wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. ''[Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? :''[Mongo jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Wait, that's you, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. ''[reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. ''[Mongo sets off another trap]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] :'''Beatriz:''' What's going on back there? :'''Isabella:''' Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Getting thrown around back stage]'' Ouch. ''[gets beat up by mechanical clowns]'' :''[Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ok, New plan-- First I smash your face, then I cure you. :''[Mongo knocks over equipment]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. ''[grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls]'' Oww! Look out! :''[Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. ''[last wall of stage set falls behind him]'' :'''Beatriz:''' What are jou talking about? :'''Isabella:''' We just saw you ruin our set. :'''Reynaldo:''' You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... ''[looks at name badge]'' Noah Nixon. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. :''[Three actors gasps]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' ''[tears off his own shirt]'' Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! :''[Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? :'''Noah Nixon: What? Why are you-- :'''Rex Salazar:''' No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear]'' Heh! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my... your name. :'''Noah Nixon:''' You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. ''[Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' ''[to Reynaldo]'' You are bleeding! :'''Reynaldo:''' What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! ''[moans and falls on his face crushing a chair]'' :'''Beatriz:''' You cannot go on. :'''Isabella:''' If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'll do it!!! :'''Reynaldo:''' You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe... But no! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! :'''Rex Salazar:''' So, is that a-- :'''Reynaldo:''' Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Accion! :''[Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[thinking]'' Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! ''[groans]'' Nope. Doesn't make it any better. ''[Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls]'' Where'd you go? :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. :'''Rex Salazar: Hey wait, I'm not-- :'''Guy in suit:''' Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr.... Nixon? :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. Mr. Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. ''[takes script, leaves]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing]'' :''[Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? ''[Mongo growls and grows huge]'' Oh so you can do that too. ''[Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. ''[Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' ''[walks up]'' Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? ''[Rex runs off]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[points in other direction, Rex runs that way]'' :''[Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, gimme that! ''[grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building]'' :''[Rex looks in the hole into the stage.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. ''[runs off after Mongo]'' :''[Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I think this is for you. ''[runs after Mongo]'' :''[Phone rings]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Did you catch it? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. :'''Noah Nixon:''' I am so dead. :'''Lady with clipboard:''' ''[grabs Rex by the collar]'' Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your two p.m. tour. ''[Gives Rex clipboard and keys]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Driving tram with tourists]'' Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. :''[Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard]'' :'''Tourist:''' They had better special effects at my kids' school play. :''[Back on soap opera stage]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! :''[Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.]'' :''[Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Yes! That's it exactly! :''[Mongo growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. ''[big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' That's not the hand I meant. :''[Actors, stunned, applaud]'' :''[Rex picks up Mongo.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' You are a good page, Noah Nixon. :''[Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.]'' :''[At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Oh, my jacket! ''[Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.]'' :''[Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. ''[He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I'm proud of you, kiddo! It took me sixty seven years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. ''[Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back]'' :'''Head Page:''' Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. ''[they look at each other with puzzled frowns]'' :''[Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. ''[Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! ''[Noah smiles.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's OK, it's OK. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! ''[Rex runs off]'' Nixon! :''[Mongo looking down from rafters]'' ===Riddle of the Sphinx=== :'''Egyptian Guide:''' They uncovered the tunnel during routine sewer work. No one has set foot in here in over 3.500 years. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Providence doesn't work the location yet? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' ''[laughs]'' The antiquities comission does not like this Black Knight. They keep her busy with much paperwork. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The maze looks like it extends for miles. They do that to keep looters out? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' Or to keep something in. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Anything that was trapped in here couldn't be alive after all this time. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' I-I-I must go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''': Watch out! Bobby traps. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' That's not what I'm afraid of. :'''Bobo:''' It's only been a few days since we heard from Holiday. :'''Six:''' Something's wrong. :'''Bobo:''' Maybe she wanted a vacation from you clowns. "Something's wrong." :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Providence! She in is trouble. :'''Six:''' Black Knight. And she has your better half. :'''Bobo:''' I'm predictin' an awkward situation. :'''Black Knight:''' Hello, Rex. If you came for your friend, I'll have to disappoint you. :'''Rex:''' That hairy creep? You can keep the traitor. Hey! My faithful guide, why don't you go away while we discuss business? :'''Bobo:''' It's me, you dopey tin can! Beat it! Or the boss lady's gonna get wise to our little switcheroo. :'''Rex:''' What's the campout for? :'''Black Knight:''' Routine scientific research. :'''Rex:''' Look, I know Holiday was here. What'd you do with her? :'''Black Knight:''' We arrived an hour ago. The locals say Holiday unleashed a monster down in the tunnels. The situation's under control. As soon as we've secured the tunnels, I'll send a team in to see if she's still alive. :'''Rex:''' I'm going with you. :'''Black Knight:''' You're going nowhere. You quit Providence. Unless you're recosindering? :'''Rex:''' Come on, guide. Holiday's in those tunnels. But Black Knight has a whole battalion of Providence goons guarding the entrance. :'''Six:''' I figured she'd be no help. That's why I found someone who knows a back way in. :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The Kushari is healthy. For the stomach, good. :'''Rex:''' Enough about the Kushari! Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' For so young, you in such a hurry. And old cook like me, I live by selling Kushari. Why not buy some? You buy, I give you more information. :'''Bobo:''' Ah, come on. Stop bein' so stingy. Buy some more. :'''Six:''' Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The sewer man-- They came to fix a leak. They found the tunnel to the entrance in my basement. :'''Bobo:''' Mmm! :'''Rex:''' Way cool! Maybe we'll see some mummies! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Tell us where Holiday is! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Where do you think I am? :'''Six:''' Holiday! :'''Bobo:''' So, what's with the halloween get up, doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I found it in one of the chambers. Scares off the curious. I need to get to the bottom of all this before Black Knight. :'''Rex:''' The bottom of what? This is all ancient history? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You can this ancient history? :'''Rex:''' That looks like a nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's because it is a nanite. :'''Six:''' How could they have knowledge back then? :'''Rex:''' Aliens! Like the ones that built the pyramids. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' None of this is more advanced that the 21st century. It's not aliens. I think the answers lie behind this door. But I can't figure out how to open it. :'''Rex:''' Open the door? No problem, Doc! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Stop! This whole place is booby-trapped. We open this wrong, they'll bring the tunnels down on us. :'''Rex:''' If there's a wrong way to open it, then that means there's a right way, too. Maybe the nanite picture is a clue. The whole thing is rigged like one. Told you-- No prob. Whoa, mumies. :'''Bobo:''' What are you lookin' at, beautiful? :'''Rex:''' Ha! Awesome! I'd love to see the look on Knight's face when she finds out we've beat her here. :'''Black Knight:''' Then let me step a little closer so you can see. :'''Six:''' How'd you find us? :'''Black Knight:''' Your mole helped me. :'''Bobo:''' Sorry, pal. :'''Black Knight:''' I should have known better. It's old junk from the dead. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Guranset:''' Gharun Set is not dead. :'''Rex:''' Put her down! :'''Black Knight:''' This isn't the time for violence. Our host has forgotten his manners. I presume he hasn't had guests in a long time. :'''Guranset:''' Almost an eternity. Gharun Set said has waited for his release. Awaken this cursed prison through the ages. :'''Black Knight:''' You speak English. That is interesting. Who taught your own language, Gharun Set? :'''Guranset:''' I was taught by the great father. :'''Black Knight:''' Father? What did he look me? :'''Guranset:''' He is dead-- As all of you soon shall be! :'''Black Knight:''' Now's the time for violence. :'''Guranset:''' Aah! :'''Black Knight:''' A nanite disrupter. Something I had your brother's lab whip up. It's quite lethal. :'''Rex:''' Looks like the lab forgot to tell him that. :'''Guranset:''' The boy controls the engines of life? It can't be. I laid low the armies of six kingdoms, swordsman. You think your tiny blades can stop me? :'''Rex:''' Try this one for size! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His staff is a nanite disrupter. Get it away from him. :'''Rex:''' Easier said than done! :'''Guranset:''' Haah! :'''Rex:''' Oh, mummies! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, yeah, you got your mummies. I hope you're happy! :'''Six:''' Rex! We can handle this! He's getting away! :'''Guranset:''' One last trap to keep me imprisoned, father. Nothing will keep me from my destiny! You serve his plan, child, and don't even know it. :'''Rex:''' Everybody talk weird in ancient Egypt, or it is just your special thing? Uh... are they supposed to do that? :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Guranset:''' Finally! I am free! :'''Six:''' These EVO's won't say dead. :'''Bobo:''' Their breath stinks, too! Ah, boy! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You could thank me for saving your life. :'''Black Knight:''' Dr. Holiday, our lives are not safe yet. :'''Guranset:''' I am not alone. Together, we shall reconquer this land, and then.. the world! :'''Rex:''' Uh, I think the sun's baked him loopy. You can't reanimate that. It's a statue. :'''Guranset:''' This is not statue, child. It is a tomb. Arise, my mighty steed. Arise, my sphinx! :'''Rex:''' Providence, this is Rex. You may want to evacuate Cairo. :'''Guranset:''' This city is a blight upon my kingdom. All shall be as it once was. :'''Rex:''' I'm warning you, Gharun Set-- I don't want to have to get rough with you. Step off the pussycat. :'''Guranset:''' You presume to tell a pharaoph what to do. Be gone! :'''Six:''' Holiday. There's something I want to tell you before it's too late. :'''Bobo:''' Ugh. Hold still! Oh, no. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All of them. Like the nanites keeping them alive... self-destructed? I'm sorry. What were you going to say? :'''Six:''' Holiday... I, uh... :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hold that thought. :'''Bobo:''' What's it gonna be, the kooky chicks or we go help Rex save the world? :'''Six:''' Rex probably has this under control. Holiday needs my-- our help. :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, I can't resist a good catfight either. :'''Rex:''' Let me handle! This it's too dangerous! :'''Pilot:''' Black Knight, target sighted. It's riding a 50-foot-tall house cat. Please advise. :'''Black Knight:''' Do not harm. Contain and capture. We need that specimen. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Pilot disregard. Last order. Target no longer needed. Destroy. Repeat-- Destroy. :'''Pilot:''' You're with the lady. Lock and load. :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! Get out of here! I don't know what he's up to, but it's not good. :'''Garunset:''' Behold the majesty of my dream. My kingdom! My paradise! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What is this place? :'''Black Knight:''' It's the stuff of legends. The fabled hall of records which lay hidden beneath where the sphinx once was. :'''Bobo:''' "Was"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This can't be! That's the helix splitter. And that looks like a nano-flux inducer. Caesar built the first prototype of one last year. :'''Black Knight:''' I can't let you touch any of this. It's too unstable with age. When you blundered in the tomb, you set off a safeguard. Someone thought this room too dangerous for the world to know about. :'''Bobo:''' Agreed. Let's scram! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't! Don't you know what this means to science? The knowledge in here is invaluable. It cannot be lost-- Again! :'''Black Knight:''' It won't be! Now that we know where it is, we can dig it out later. We will study it. I promise you that. :'''Six''': Holiday. Let it go. :'''Guranset''': As father promised-- I will rule forever. :'''Rex''': Forever is gonna be shorter than you think. :'''Guranset''': No! Nooooo! :'''Rex''': Aw, come on! I didn't hit you that hard! :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Rex''': What's happening to you? :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Guranset''': Aaaaaaaaah! :''[Guranset grunts]'' :'''Guranset''': Do not touch your pharaoh. :'''Rex''': You need help. Your nanites are dying of old age-- I think. It's like starting an old car. Uh, o-or a camel. Let me help you. I can fix your nanites, and then maybe-- :'''Guranset''': Lies! :'''Rex''': You're in a strange time, a strange place. We have science, machines. We can help you. Trust us. :'''Guranset''': Like you trust the woman you call Black Knight? I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. Father told me of you... Rex. :'''Rex:''' What? How do you know my-- :'''Guranset''': I would have helped the world. Ended the hunger, the wars. But now he will return. Avenge me. ''[Echoing]'' I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. <hr width80/> :'''Black Knight:''' You wanted something? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The hall of records-- You can't keep it a secret. It must be studied. That hall-- :'''Black Knight:''' What hall? :'''Rex:''' Why'd you do that?! Holiday said-- :'''Black Knight:''' Some secrets are best left buried under the sands, Rex. :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Gentleman. Dr. Holiday. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, what'd you want to tell me back in the tomb? :'''Six:''' It can wait. :'''Rex:''' Don't wait too long. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All those priceless artifacts. And we still don't know who created Gharun Set. ===Guy vs. Guy=== :'''Rex:''' This means war. <hr width80%> ===Double Vision=== : ''[The episode starts as a butterfly flies through plants in a flower shop. Suddenly, Rex is thrown into the shop window, making nearby civilians run away. Rex gets up and looks out of the broken glass, seeing a beastly plant EVO, a few people watching, and Agent Six slashing his swords around to evade the EVO's tentacles.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Pants and brushes leaves off his sleeve and puts on goggles.]'' Not bad! : ''[Uses the Punk Busters to jump out of the shop and generates his Smack Hands to uppercut the EVO, causing it to crash into a nearby building.]'' But I'm better! : ''[The EVO gets out of the glass windows and roars, attacking Agent Six.]'' : '''Agent Six:''' ''[Cuts off a tentacle and walks towards Rex.]'' Talk is cheap, Rex. Prove it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Generating the Smack Hands.]'' No problemo. : ''[The EVO rushes towards Rex, unfortunately, Rex grabs it and slams it onto the ground. A random girl is driving up the road on a moped. However, she is stopped as the EVO blocks the path.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Putting his hands up to assure the girl.]'' Nothing to worry about, I've got this handled. ''[Turns to EVO, whom is still on the floor.]'' Okay big guy, say adiós to those nasty nanites. : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex kneels down to cure the EVO, flowers spout out of the EVO]'' Aw, for me? Does this mean we're dating? : ''[Suddenly, the flowers shoot out some goo into Rex's face, making him slam onto the floor, a crowd forms around the battle.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Yelps while getting up and pulls his goggles off and wipes the goo off his face.]'' Oh, that's better. ''[He gives his goggles to the random female on the moped]'' Hey! Watch these for me. ''[Runs back into battle and generates the Punk Busters and kicks the blacked out EVO over a building.]'' Goal! Hey thanks for holding onto my...huh?... : ''[Rex turns around to see the girl missing from the crowd. Deforming his Punk Busters, he spots the girl riding away on her moped. She turns to look back at Rex, appearing to have on his goggles.]'' : '''Rex:''' Goggles! : ''[Rex puts one of his hands up to signal for her to wait, but the EVO returns and wraps its tentacle around Rex's neck. The EVO twists Rex in mid-air in the sky for a minute before slamming him onto the cement. Rex gets up and sees the goggle girl riding away out of sight.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! You've got my...ungh...goggles... Aah! Ungh! Did you see that girl?! She stole my goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Priorities, Rex. : '''Rex:''' They are my priority, Six. I can pound EVOs any day. Those goggles are-- Ah, great. Who invited her? : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, gentlemen. We've got this covered. : '''Rex:''' We don't need any help. Whoa! Whoa! Ungh! : '''Black Knight:''' Obviously. Control collar-- Now. We'll take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Take it from whe-e-re?! I've already got this under contro-o-o-o-l! Whoa! Ugh! Let me try to cure it. : '''Black Knight:''' The new Providence protocol is to confine, constrain and control. If curing is an option, it will be considered-- At my discretion. : '''Rex:''' Control? I can cure it now and end this. : '''Black Knight:''' The offer still stands. If you want to come back to Providence, you can continue your mission. : '''Rex:''' I have my mission! : '''Black Knight:''' Curing every EVO on Earth isn't a mission, Rex. It's an impossibility. : '''Rex:''' Watch me. : '''Black Knight:''' Everybody back! Contain those seedlings! : '''Rex:''' You just made it worse! Now I've got to clean up your mess. Starting with this guy. See? Fearing works! : '''Black Knight:''' It was your actions that exacerbated this situation. I want full containment and control over those seedlings. Move out-- Now. : '''Agent Six:''' While you were arguing, Holiday found another sprout. Let's go deal with that before Providence does. : '''Rex:''' But-- My goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Focus, Rex. We've got work to do. : '''Rex:''' Nice work! : '''Agent Six:''' Drop in the bucket. Look below. : '''Rex:''' Wow. And I thought I'd be able to knock off early today. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' On the contrary, Rex. By overlaying current worldwide wind patterns on top of international population centers, we're looking at total global infestation within thirty-eight hours. : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, that's a lot of roughage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I need to get in the field and obtain some live samples. Bobo and I will meet you at the rendezvous point in the mobile command center. : '''Rex:''' Okay, doc. We're almost there. Hey! It's that girl! Wh-o-o-o-oa! : '''Agent Six:''' What's gotten into you, Rex? : '''Rex:''' My goggles-- I can't see without them! : '''Agent Six:''' Obviously, you can see without them. : '''Rex:''' Well, yeah, but I really need them a lot of the time. Don't you remember when I first got them? : '''Agent Six:''' Actually, no. : '''Rex:''' Oh. Sorry. My bad. It was early on, when I was just learning to control my powers. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Aaaah! Aah! Aaaaah! Oof! : '''Agent Six:''' Horse manure. : '''Rex:''' This is exactly why I need my goggles! Hey! I thought this thing was just a sprout! : '''Agent Six:''' It's the nature of plants to grow. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Very Zen of you, Six. Well, it's the nature of me to kick EVO butt! Whoa! Oof! Yuck! This stuff really stinks! : '''Agent Six:''' All yours. : '''Rex:''' Ta-da! And for my next trick... Oh, and look who's late to the party. : '''Black Knight:''' ''[Entering]'' Alpha team, I want you to lay down suppressive fire and-- : ''[Realizing the EVOs not there]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Belay that. Sit Ops, I was told we had a Class-Three EVO situation here. Where is the EVO? : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex hands her flowers]'' Sorry. This is all that's left. Six, are we good here? I've got to run. : '''Agent Six:''' I'd put those in water. : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Rex:''' Slow down! I just want to-- Ungh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? What?! No way! Hey! You've got my-- Ugh! Whoa! ...Goggles. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got bigger problems than a girl on a scooter, Rex. First a flower shop, then gardening supplies. It's getting hungrier. Gentlemen, I suggest you get to the sewage-treatment plant as quickly as possible. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Why? : '''Agent Six:''' Fertilizer, Rex, as in if those sprouts chow down on that much raw nourishment, we're in some deep... : ''[Plant EVO bursts through a nearby wall]'' : '''Rex:''' ...Horse maneure. Hungry? Eat this! : '''Agent Six:''' Holiday, get to the sewage plant. We'll meet you there after we clean up. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Clean up? I'd rather make a mess! Shoulda brought my chainsaw. : '''Agent Six:''' Shoot the seedlings! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, this time I'm going to-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Wait! Aw, man! Back off! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Bobo:''' You went a little nuts there, buddy. I like it! But... Goggles? : '''Rex:''' That EVO interrupted before I could finish the story. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Agent Six:''' Here, kid. Try these on. : '''Rex:''' Um, so I can look like a total doofus? : '''Agent Six:''' You have no idea how unique these goggles are, Rex. A reclusive weaponsmith in Zurich crafted this single pair before he turned EVO. : '''Rex:''' Really? And then what happened to him? : '''Agent Six:''' I did. He won't be crafting any more goggles. : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Agent Six:''' These are one-of-a-kind, Rex-- Special, for you. : '''Bobo:''' What a bunch of chimp chips! Those goggles are-- Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Wow. That is a lot of rampaging EVO. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. Lucky holiday-- She's right in the thick of it. : '''Rex:''' Lucky? : '''Bobo:''' She gets to try out all the special modifications I made to that sweet ride. : ''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Plant EVO has Holiday trapped inside the Mobile Command Center]'' Okay. Let's see how you like 10,000 volts of-- : ''[Holiday presses a button, and music starts playing]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo's mix tape?! Who puts the stereo next to the weapons system?! One more time-- Big red button. Always go for the big red button. Unless you don't want to drain the batteries to zero. : ''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo, your improvements could use some improvements. Rex, if you're not too busy, I'd appreciate a little assistance. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, ain't that your girlfriend? : '''Agent Six:''' She can take care of herself, right, Rex? : '''Rex:''' Right-- For now. : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's more like it. Ungh! Fine! Let's see how you like this! I don't know what you just did, Rex, but thanks. Rex? : '''Black Knight:''' I admit our last encounter didn't end well, but I think we need to work together on this one. : '''Rex:''' You want to work together? We left Providence, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex-- : '''Rex:''' What happened to "stay out of my way"? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' So now when you need somebody to take out your trash, you can just forget that I quit your crummy organization? : '''Black Knight:''' Yes, Rex, I can, because I don't let my emotions guide my choices. I only want what's best for Providence-- And the world. : '''Rex:''' Okay, cool. Just wanted to hear you say it. Aah! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, the EVO is too big to cure without getting to its core. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, I'm not doing much good out here! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All those vines, the seedlings, everything-- They're just puppets to the plant. Stop those nanites in the core, and you cut the strings. : '''Rex:''' On it! Huh?! : '''Agent Six:''' Watch it, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! All I want are my goggles. All I've wanted all day are my goggles, and this EVOs been blocking me over and over! Hey, Bobo, you know how to shoot one of these? : '''Bobo:''' Eh, how hard could it be? : '''Rex:''' Load me into this thing and point it right at that EVO's sweet spot. And hurry. I got better stuff to do. : '''Bobo:''' You do know that's 30,000 gallons of raw sewage you're aimin' at? : '''Rex:''' Don't remind me. Oh... Yuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! : '''Agent Six:''' Elegant solution, Rex. : '''Bobo:''' You don't smell elegant. You stink worse than me. I'm a little jealous. : '''Black Knight:''' All right, Rex. Get to work. : '''Rex:''' Work? What do you mean? I just served that vegetable! : '''Black Knight:''' You cut the strings, but you still have to fix the puppets. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' She's right, Rex. : '''Black Knight:''' You want to cure the world? Start curing. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa, man, I'm beat! I don't think I can move another inch if you paid me. : ''[Goggle girl rides past him]'' : '''Rex:''' Gotta move! See ya! Hey! Stop for a second! Six, I'm really starting to think this girl's got some kind of EVO action going on-- Teleporter, speedster, something. : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Six, she's not just a teleporter. She can make doubles of herself-- Multiple abilities! She's an EVO, like me! : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the skeevy guy who's been chasing me. He was chasing me, too. And me. What do you want? : '''Rex:''' You took my goggles! I want them back! : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey, Einstein, did you see our logo? That stands for "Goggle Girl", as in the delivery service. You haven't ever heard of us? : '''Rex:''' Um... No. : '''Goggle girl:''' "Nothing is cuter than a girl on a scooter." Kind of hard to miss. : ''[Goggle girl groans]'' : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the worst slogan ever. : '''Rex:''' But-- But my goggles! : '''Goggle girl:''' Part of our costume. The boss buys them in bulk, along with these cheesy wigs he makes us wear. It's kind of lame. : '''Rex:''' In bulk?! Those goggles?! But... They're one-of-a-kind! They're special! They're-- They're... I'll just go now. Nope. Nope. Definitely not. : '''Agent Six:''' I still don't know why those goggles were so important to you. : '''Rex:''' You gave to me, Six. It was the first present, the first nice thing that I remember getting since you found me. You said they were special, and that made me feel special. : '''Six:''' Yes, about those goggles... Apparently, according to Bobo, I may have misled you. There was dozens of them in the Providence service bay. : '''Rex:''' I knew the story was fake, but you told it because you cared about me. That's what made them special. : '''Agent Six:''' I see. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, champ. You got a package. : '''Goggle girl:''' Sign, please. : '''Agent Six:''' It's for you. From us. Just open it. : '''Rex:''' My goggles! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Better. We commissioned an enhanced version. : '''Rex:''' Cool! Infrared... Microscopic... Nanovision?! Thanks, you guys. You really are one-of-a-kind. : '''Bobo:''' Those are great, but these are me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need to hold on to them for a few more hours while I run a full diagnostic. : '''Rex:''' A few hours?! I just got them! Aw! : '''Bobo:''' Here-- Because I care. : '''Goggle girl:''' They actually look kinda cute. : '''Rex:''' Hey, doc! No rush! : '''Bobo:''' Ain't love grand? ===Black and White=== : '''Calan:''' Be advised, we've got activity. Major activity. Stop right there, or we'll shoot! Don't make me do it. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''Calan:''' Calan to command, tell Black Knight-- We have apprehended the intruders. Repeat, we got'em. : '''Rex:''' No! Get out of my head! Stop it! Stop! Stop with the talking! A dream. Oh, thank you! For a second, I swore that I heard his voice. It was almost like he was in the-- Room. Huh?! : '''White Knight:''' I was wondering if I was gonna have to send the monkey in with a bucket of water. But I thought, "why should he have all the fun?" Five minutes-- Situation room. Consider this your wake-up call. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you supposed to be playing dead? You're lucky Black Knight doesn't know you're here. : '''White Knight:''' Black Knight thinks what I want her to think. With the installation of the new regime, I suspected that there was more going on at providence than just this new control protocol. I decided to test my hypothesis. I needed time to operate freely without prying eyes. So I went off the grid. : '''Rex:''' And from the smell of it, you haven't changed out of your suit since then. : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''White Knight:''' I've been busy. I've been tracking their operations. They involve familiar locales and even more familiar machinery. : '''Rex:''' You still use a camera with film? Do they even make that stuff anymore? : '''White Knight:''' What they don't make are machines like these. This is the wreckage of Rylander's lab. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Are they doing what I think they're doing? : '''Rex:''' Do what? : '''White Knight:''' It appears that this new Providence is restarting the nanite program. : '''Rex:''' There is no way my brother would help restart something that nearly destroyed the world. There's got to be a good explanation. We should just ask him. : '''White Knight:''' We can't risk direct contact. We need to infiltrate Providence, download her computer banks, and assess how far along they are before we take any other actions. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over there. : '''Rex:''' Just saying there's more here than meets the eye. Whoa! : '''Six:''' Breaking into Providence? That's a big move, even for you. Black Knight is sure to have enhanced the security systems. We may be able to breach the perimeter defenses, but once inside, we'd be blind targets. : '''White Knight:''' You'd be right if we were playing on her board. : '''Six:''' Forgive me for doubting you. : '''Rex:''' Okay, is someone gonna tell me what these are for? This is so not going to work. : '''Six:''' Trust the plan. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, so, maybe they worked. But how'd you get them to do it on cue? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All a matter of timing. Assuming we get past the outer perimeter, securing the data is a completely different story. Providence encrypts all data. We need to disable multiple units before we can download anything off the mainframe. Doing that undetected is ''[sighs]'' insane. : '''Rex:''' Finally, a voice of reason. I'm calling my brother. Took the lady with three phds to realize what I've been saying all along is right. Hey, that costs money! I'm over my minutes! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you... This is... : '''Six:''' Doable. : '''Rex:''' Do what? What is that? A secret passage. : '''White Knight:''' When they built the tower, I had them install, these-- Upper-management corridors. : '''Six:''' In the old days, they called passages like these the king's road. : '''White Knight:''' From here, we face some unknowns. Stick to the plan. Or we could die. : '''Rex:''' What?! Me?! What about you?! Part of the plan was to do this quietly. : '''Calan:''' Stop right there, or we'll shoot! : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Here we go. Ok, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''White Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. : ''[Calan laughs]'' : '''Calan:''' Welcome back, sir. We've been waiting for you. : '''Rex:''' Que, huh? : '''Calan:''' Sorry for the scare, Rex. We couldn't guarantee the Black Knight wasn't taper our communications. It was best to keep radio silence. In any case-- Say hello to your man on the inside. He've got a bomb! All units, fall back, fall back! Captain Calan, do you copy? Report. : '''White Knight:''' Ready for a repeate performance? : '''Calan:''' Ready when you are, sir. Good luck, everyone. They're headed for the... petting zoo. : '''Holiday:''' Here it is. Just like he said. : '''White Knight:''' This is the Hive. The central nervous system of the entire complex. An electric field protects the inner chambers. We'll need the circuit bandage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I've got an idea, but you'll have to go in partially naked. We've got eyes everywhere. : '''Six:''' Good. Knight and I will handle the encryption towers. You know what to do with this. : '''Rex:''' No sweat. I'm on it. Just have to make one quick detour. Bro? You in here? Oh, no. No, no, no! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, is that you? What brings you here? : ''[Six groans]'' : '''Six:''' Partially naked. Tower one clear. Proceed to next phase. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Got it. Redirecting the data flow now. : '''Calan:''' Anyone hear for the monkey? : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Bobo:''' Offical pet desk. Keep your distance. : '''Rex:''' Is that Dr. Rylander? : '''Caesar:''' It is. Well, almost. After you brought back Van Kleiss, I couldn't help but to wonder if perhaps I might do the same for him. Unfortunately, Van Kleiss was already great in tune the nanites. As you can see, Dr. Rylander-- wasn't. : '''Rex:''' Ok, whatever. Listen, I'm here on a secret mission. : '''Caesar:''' Secret? : '''Rex:''' White Knight said-- : '''Caesar:''' White Knight is alive? : '''Rex:''' If you can call him that. Anyway, he says... you might wanna sit down for this part? That Black Knight is restarting the nanite program. Don't you think that's messed up? : '''Caesar:''' On the contrary. I'm in charge of it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Commencing download in T-2 minutes. White Knight has infiltrated sector three. You're right. They are monitoring our movements. How did you know? : '''White Knight:''' It's what I would do. Now start evac protocols. : '''Black Knight:''' I've torn this facility apart looking for that? When I found it, I still couldn't get to it. Bio-feed security system-- Clever. You have to be nanite-free to open it. I guessed you weren't dead. I knew if I let enough info leak about what we're doing here, you've showed up, eventually. I'll take it. : '''White Knight:''' You can try. : '''Black Knight:''' What ever you say. You were the boss. : '''White Knight:''' That's not a providence toy. : '''Black Knight:''' A woman is entitled her secrets. Especially when those secrets keep me alive. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''White Knight:''' Ohh! What I could've done with you if I hired you first. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't fool yourself, White. : '''White Knight:''' Ohh, ohh, ohh! : '''Black Knight:''' You were bandage at best. the Consortium knew that you weren't the leader for the future. Stand down, old man! : '''White Knight:''' I've got a few secrets of my own, kid. After all, this was my office. Consortium or not, it will be again. : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be advised, they're on to us. Making for the rendezvous. : '''Six:''' I'll take my swords back now. Please. : '''Rex:''' What are you doing, helping Black Knight? She's obviously the more psycho of the two knights. : '''Caesar:''' I'm not helping the Black Knight do anything. I'm trying to fix things. The day everything changed. We never imagined what would happen when we released the nanites. : '''Rex:''' Release them?! You caused the nanite event?! : '''Caesar:''' It was the only way we were going to save the world. : '''Rex:''' You unleashed the worst man-made disaster the world has ever seen!! You've ruined countless lives!! How can you say that you saved anything?! : '''Caesar:''' You weren't there... not in any way that mattered! If we hadn't-- : '''Rex:''' Hold that thought. Here, doggy, doggy. : '''Six:''' Excessive? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Sweet, actually. Now you're overdoing it. : '''White Knight:''' ''[panting]'' Are we finished here? ''[screams]'' Careful, Black. Your council wouldn't be too pleased if you destroyed the very thing you're after. : '''Black Knight:''' If doesn't have to be like this, White! The Consortium may have lost faith in you, but you know my methods are right. Come back. Under my protection, who knows? There may even be a promotion in it for you. : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' I am going to stop the Consortium. If you or Providence gets in my way, this tape goes public. : '''Black Knight:''' Wait! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stop! You're destroying my work! : '''Rex:''' Your work is done! And so are we! I got it. Time to blow this-- : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. Face it, kiddo... today is not your day. : '''Rex:''' Actually, today's wednesday, and wednesday means fiesta night at the cafeteria. Getting in is going to be cake... very dangerous cake. Any bright ideas on how we're getting out? : '''Bobo:''' I got one word for you, kid-- Plumbing. : '''Rex:''' I got it. Time to blow this... : '''Bobo:''' Taco stand. : '''White Knight:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Me and Van Gogh, unappreciated in our time. : '''Rex:''' All of that-- Was for that?! I got nanites, billions of 'em. : '''White Knight:''' Not like this one, Rex. This is a Meta Nanite. One of several. Hardwired into its design is a program for the original Dominion Code. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Dominion Code? I thought that was a myth. : '''White Knight:''' I can assure you, doctor, it is very real. Each one gives its host control over different building blocks of the universe- matter, antimatter, elemental, space, time, reality. With the complete code, you can control them. And through them, you control ''everything''. In sort, it's the God Code. : '''Rex:''' The Consortium want to be...gods? : '''White Knight:''' If it wasn't for the original Nanite Event scattering the Metas across the globe, they may have already succeeded. The situation has changed, people. Black Knight has been searching the globe for the other Meta-Nanites. She needs them all to complete the Master Program. As long as we're keeping her secret, she'll hold off. But sooner or later, she'll be coming for this with the full power of Providence and the Consortium at her back. So... if you want to move on, forget what I've told you. : '''Rex:''' You're not getting rid of us that easily, old man. My parents died for this. Black Knight wants war, war she gets. ===Deadzone=== : '''Holiday:''' "You cannot let him out of your sight, Rex. Don't you see why Black Knight wants him? He's the ultimate insurance against any E.V.O." : '''Rex:''' "Not just any. Me." <hr width80%> : '''Black Knight:''' "Since the search for Feakins is going nowhere, we have no choice but to become much more aggressive with Rex." ===Assault on Abysus=== : '''Diane Farrah:''' Through research and hard work, Providence has turned the curse of the EVO into a blessing. One that will serve mankind. Science and compassion have created a new future for all EVOs. A future filled with happiness and hope. : '''Black Pawn:''' You? Seen some EVOs pass through here? <hr width80%> *Rex and Circe finally admit their true feelings for one another. Unfortunately, there was not enough episodes to explore their romance further. <hr width80%> : ''[Somewhere in [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong, China]]'']'' : '''Circe:''' Okay. They're gone. : '''Skywwd:''' For now. Get out of here, Circe. Run! : '''Circe:''' I'm not leaving you guys. : '''Skywwd:''' You can pass as human. Go-- Before Providence gets you too. : '''Black Pawn:''' The girl! She's with them! : '''Skwwyd:''' Run! : '''Rex:''' Hmm? What's up? : '''Circe:''' You're the only person I could turn to. : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' I don't know. That's the hardest part. : '''Rex:''' You did what you had to do. : '''Circe:''' I left them there, Rex. Our friends. Providence has to be stopped. Someone needs to do something. : '''Rex:''' ''[puts his arms around Circe to comfort her]'' We are. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Am I disturbing you two? : '''Rex:''' No. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight wants to talk with you. : '''Rex:''' Ugh. What's he gonna yell at me for this time? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No, I meant Circe. He wants to talk to her. : '''Circe:''' Providence has been hunting these down, too? : '''White Knight:''' You didn't tell her about them, Rex? : '''Rex:''' I thought the Master Control Nanites were supposed to be top secret. : '''White Knight:''' She has to know if she's going to lead the mission. : '''Rex:''' Her? That was supposed to be my mission. : '''White Knight:''' It's no one's mission. It's about getting the job done. : '''Circe:''' Why me? : '''White Knight:''' Intelligence indicates that Providence has targeted a Master Control Nanite in Abysus. In Van Kleiss' old castle, to be more precise. You're the only one with the knowledge to get us in there. : '''Rex:''' I've been there before. How hard could it be? Circe, you don't have to. : '''Circe:''' If it helps stop Black Knight in Providence, I'm in. : '''Rex:''' Okay, Doc. We made it. The new power suit gave me more range, just like you said. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Circe:''' Thanks, Banak. We're trying to keep a low profile. Don't tell anyone, okay? : '''Rex:''' Good thing you knew the secret whistle or we might have been rooting around forever. : ''[Rex chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Get it? "Root"? Uh... This can't be easy coming back here. I owe you. : '''Circe:''' Forget it. We're even. I used you in the past, now you and your friends are using me. : '''Rex:''' Is there some sort of problem between you and me? : '''Circe:''' There's nothing between you and me. Just the mission. I don't have good memories of this place. Let's just leave it at that, okay? : '''Rex:''' Fine. I'm surprised we haven't run into-- Ugh! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Traitor! Stop her! : '''Circe:''' Aah! : '''Rex:''' Can you chill?! There's no time for this. Who's leading you now that Van Kleiss is gone? I need to speak to your leader. Figures. Biowolf, we have a problem. And... I need your help. : '''Biowulf:''' I will listen. : '''Rex:''' Great, because-- : '''Biowulf:''' Only after you. earn the right-- Through combat. : ''[Biowulf growls]'' : ''[Rex spits]'' : '''Rex:''' At least Van Kleiss was civilized. Buckle up, dog boy. : '''Biowulf:''' You may speak. This nanite you want-- It's not here. None of us have seen it up in the castle or the blast source. : '''Rex:''' I didn't say up. It's down. White Knight thinks it's under the castle. Some other secure lab area. : '''Biowulf:''' The primary chamber? : '''Circe:''' It's under the castle? Van Kleiss always said it was forbidden for us to go there. : '''Rex:''' You think he remembered to tell Black Knight that? Let me take it out of here. : '''Biowulf:''' No! You're a traitor to your own kind. A lapdog to these humans. I've heard enough! : '''Rex:''' All of us will fall-- All EVOs-- If she gets it. Black Knight is worse than you know. If I don't get the nanite out of here, Providence will take it. : '''Biowulf:''' Providence! This is Abysus, the heart of the EVO world. Providence wouldn't dare. : '''Circe:''' The sentries have spotted something. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I wonder who. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Black Knight, the assault forces are in place. : '''Black Knight:''' The field is yours. We've secured the borders. No chance White Knight and his team will get in the country to interfere. : '''Biowulf:''' The castle is surrounded. : '''Rex:''' Standard operating procedure for Providence is to secure the perimeter, then close for attack. Black Knight will have snuck forces around back. : '''Skalamander:''' How should we counter? : '''Rex:''' Easy. : '''Biowulf:''' You take your nanite. I'll decide how to deal with the invaders. : '''Black Pawn:''' Deploy the collars. Rise. Forward. Attack. : '''Rex:''' The nanite event blew away half the castle. This must have been deep enough to survive it. Huh? You hear that? : '''Circe:''' No. Hear what? : '''Rex:''' Uh... Nothing. This place would make a great rec room. Maybe a karaoke machine over there-- : '''Circe:''' Van Kleiss would send volunteers down here to try and get in. None of them ever came back. : '''Rex:''' Well... That's encouraging. : '''Circe:''' What is it? : '''Rex:''' They're... I-I think they're nanites. They're following our lights. They can't see in the dark. I have a plan. Lead them back. : '''Circe:''' ''[concerned]'' Rex? : '''Rex:''' When I say "roll," roll. : '''Circe:''' What?! : '''Rex:''' Roll! Circe, sing! : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic blasts on the EVOs and beams at Rex.]'' : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' We always made a good team. : '''Circe:''' It won't hold them long. : '''Rex:''' You think this is why Van Kleiss always wanted me-- So I could get him in here? : '''Biowulf:''' Providence has breached the castle. We can't hold our position much longer. : '''Rex:''' Go. I'll get the Master-Control Nanite. ''[Notices how worried Circe is about him probably not returning]'' This isn't Hong Kong. I'll be okay. I'll meet up with you soon. : '''Biowulf:''' They've turned our own people against us. : '''Circe:''' Let me see what I can do. : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic bursts on several collared EVOs]''. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : ''[Circe gasping]'' : '''Circe:''' So many. : '''Biowulf:''' You can't stop the ones they've collared. : '''Circe:''' I can go down trying. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Her sonics are disrupting the offensive. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Hyah! Unh! : '''Biowulf:''' If we can't defeat them, we'll take down as many as we can fighting. : '''Circe:''' This isn't one battle. It's a war. And we can't let it end here before Rex has the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Biowulf:''' What, then? : '''Circe:''' Tactical retreat. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh. Dad. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Outer rooms of the castle secured. : '''Black Pawn:''' I don't need you here, Black Knight. It's only a matter of time. We will take the castle piece by piece. : ''[Skalamander growling]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' You are ours now. Down. : ''[Skalamander grunting]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Rex is here. He will make you bow to us! : '''Black Knight:''' This is all a diversion. Find Rex before he gets the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Black Pawn:''' Yes, Ma'am. : '''Black Knight:''' Either you do it or I will. I'm on my way. : '''Rex:''' This place... Rylander had the same type of lab. : '''Soldier:''' Security system engaged. : '''Rex:''' No! : '''Soldier:''' Intruder. Provide authorized identity or be terminated. Identify. Identify. Identify. Identify. : '''Rex:''' Aah! I'm Rex! Rex Salazar! : '''Soldier:''' Salazar genetype-- Accepted. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' There you are, you little troublemaker. You're coming home with the good guys. Uhh. Weird. Uh... I don't suppose you're looking for the karaoke machine? Running into you-- What a coincidence. Come down here a lot? Whoa! Missed me. : '''Black Pawn:''' I have the nanite. Keep the boy busy while I get it to Black Knight. : '''Rex:''' No! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' You two sure know how to make an entrance. : '''Circe:''' The others are getting hammered by Provindence. They're barely holding them off in the dungeon. : '''Rex:''' Gee! Van Kleiss has a dungeon. What a surprise. : '''Biowulf:''' This is no joke. They might die because I came down here to save you. : '''Rex:''' I won't let them get taken. I promise you that. But I need you to let me call the shots. : ''[Biowulf sighs]'' : '''Biowulf:''' Very well. : '''Rex:''' Circ, dungeon left or right? : '''Circe:''' Left. The dungeon's the other way. : '''Rex:''' I'm not looking for the dungeon. I'm looking for the scouts. : '''Black Pawn:''' Nothing. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe a little something. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' Scouts. Classic Providence tactics-- So they don't get ambushed. Uhh. What is this place? : '''Biowulf:''' The old reservoir. It goes to the river. : '''Rex:''' Perfect. ''[deep voice]'' Scout to command. West wing, reservoir-- We've found a back way onto what must be the main EVO force. It's five times the size of what you're fighting. : '''Black Pawn:''' Roger, scout. All forces, withdraw from dungeon siege. Report to west wing, reservoir. Ambush maneuver lambda. : '''Rex:''' ''[normal voice]'' Get your troops. It's bath time. : '''Biowulf:''' Now you bow to Rex! : '''Rex:''' The Providence goons are contained, Biowulf. They shouldn't be any more trouble. And I got the Master-Control Nanite. Looks like mission accomplished. : '''Circe:''' Rex, I-- : ''[She and Rex cling to each other as the castle begins shaking.]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Rex, order your friends to surrender. You're all under Providence custody. I always knew it might be impossible to capture the Master-Control Nanite in the heart of the nanite infestation. So the solution was to remove it. : '''Circe:''' It's Hong Kong all over again. : '''Rex:''' No. We can fight. We'll double back and-- A-and then-- : '''Biowulf:''' Go! Get the nanite out of here! : '''Rex:''' No! I promised you! : '''Biowulf:''' You were right. That nanite is more important than anyone here. Including myself. I am the leader. I give the orders. Run! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex:''' They were counting on me. I don't want to leave them. : '''Circe:''' I did what I had to do. You do what you have to. I want you to know, all this was never about me just using you. : ''[Circe gasps]'' : ''[Finally admits her true romantic feelings for Rex in the form of a passionate kiss. She then pushes a shocked Rex off the ledge, so he could escape; and her getting collared and captured in his stead. She smiled with tears in her eyes, with the promise that she would be okay.]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[burdened by Circe admitting her intense love for him and sacrifice]'' We all make sacrifices for the things we care about-- The people we love. But when the stakes are this high, who can we trust? What would that power do to anyone who had it? They attacked Abysus. What's stopping them from attacking us for these nanites? : '''White Knight:''' They will-- Sooner or later. That's why I want to turn the tables on them first. : '''Rex:''' You know how to do that so we survive in one piece? : '''White Knight:''' Not yet. ===Remote Control=== : '''Bobo:''' Providence goons are thick as fleas tonight, and I know fleas. : '''Rex:''' We're gonna be late if we have to keep sneaking around. : '''Bobo:''' After you. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex must have bailed on us-- Again. : '''Cricket:''' He would never do that, Skwydd. And besides, he dad to fly all the way to Honk Kong on his own. Give him some time. : '''Tuck:''' He's here! Everything okay, Rex? : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Cricket, Tuck, this way! : ''[Skwydd grunts]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Ow. Yeah, I think I'll stick to ink. : '''Cricket:''' We need to find Rex. : '''Skwydd:''' He was supposed to find us. : '''Tuck:''' How are we gonna-- : '''Quarry:''' Wrong. They'll be coming with me. Anybody got a problem with that? : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? : '''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah, they were here. This came out of Skwydd. Mm. : '''Rex:''' Ew! If those Providence goons hurt them, I'm gonna-- : '''Bobo:''' What do you say you use a little of that aggression and get some answers, champ? : '''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends? Quarry? : '''Cricket:''' If you think we're going to thank you for getting us out of there, Quarry. : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : '''Quarry:''' I think you're going to do exactly as I say. : ''[Activates the mind-control collar on her neck]'' : '''Cricket:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Occupied Hong Kong-- What a dump! Where to, chief? : '''Rex:''' I have no idea. How did he get away from Van Kleiss? How is he even alive? : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's cool. We're not going to hurt you. What's Providence turned into? This whole city is living in fear. : '''Bobo:''' Well, we ain't gonna find my answers in this alley. I got a guide book. Ooh! A coupon for all-you-can-eat dim sum. What? A chimp's gotta eat. : '''Rex:''' Okay, let's go. But keep moving. Maybe we'll turn up a clue. : '''Bobo:''' Aw, this just breaks my heart. All that grub and no one to eat it. : '''Monster EVO:''' Can you help a fellow EVO who's down on his luck? : '''Rex:''' I can do better than that. Let me take care of this for you. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! : '''Bobo:''' I wanna order some chow to go. Give me some of those chicken feet, and give me the beaks, too. : '''Rex:''' I thought that collar was supposed to make you mellow! What? Now you know Kung Fu? I don't have time for this. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, buddy. It looked like you could use some-- Hey, where'd the charity case go? : '''Rex:''' He had to leave suddenly. All yours. I need some time to think. : '''Bobo:''' More for me! Go off and think your brains out, pal. You know where to find me. Ah, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, my beak-dealing chum. And speaking of chum-- : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''Bobo:''' Do I detect the delightful aroma of fish heads? : '''Gamer Boy:''' Hey, kid! You like video games? Want a cool job? : '''Rex:''' I already have a cool job. : '''Gamer Boy:''' This is the coolest job you'll ever have. Mr. Quarry, pays top dollar for good players and I can set you up. : '''Rex:''' Quarry? Tell me more. : '''Huckster:''' ''[Cockney accent]'' Okay, kids. Looks like we're all here, right? Let me show you around. : '''Quarry:''' What do you matter, the big fish? Time to reel him in. : '''Huckster:''' This is all state-of-the-art stuff-- Exciting, new tech. You get to play as an EVO and go on a Crown Street. How cool is that? : '''Rex:''' Hey! That looks like the EVO that jumped me. : '''Huckster:''' We model our characters from actual EVOs. This is as close to reality as you can get. : '''Rex:''' Hey! You guys! Oh, am I glad to see you! I-- Take that back. You've been collared! Let me help you! : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Rex:''' Cricket, it's me-- Rex! You used to have a crush on me! : '''Cricket:''' Ugh! : ''[Cricket sighs]'' : '''Cricket:''' Rex, I'm so sorry. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't control it. : '''Rex:''' I'm okay, Cricket. You've been working on that jab, though, haven't you? : '''Cricket:''' They're getting away. : '''Rex:''' Let them go. They'll lead us straight to Quarry. : '''Cricket:''' "Used to have a crush"? : '''Rex:''' Infrared. <hr width80%> : '''Cricket:''' You know how collared EVOs follow kind of like a robot. with these collars, it's worse. It's like you're a remote-controlled robot. : '''Rex:''' That is a nasty hack. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Your friends are very valuable to me as are you. : '''Rex:''' Like the new look- strapping. : '''Quarry:''' Let's just say I had to find a way to "keep it together" after my visit to Abyuss. Just one more thing you owe me for and you know how much I like a balanced book. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' You'll be the crown jewel of my EVO army, Rex. I may just make you my own personal slave. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' That collar suits you, Rex. Wish I had one for you back in the old days. Would've saved me a lot of trouble. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The arcade- all those kids. : '''Quarry:''' those brats were born to play games, which is what they think their doing. And I have your people to thank for the tech. That brother of yours is quite the wiz kid. : '''Rex:''' Caesar would never-- : '''Cricket:''' Forget about Caesar, Rex! You know what you got to do! : '''Rex:''' These guys will shred you if I leave! : '''Tuck:''' We got this, Rex! Go! <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Consider the fact that you made me like this while I'm crushing you. ===A Brief History of Time=== : '''Van Kleiss:''' 4.000 years from my destination, and I've run out of of time. I've scarcely completed the vessel which shall deliver me to my own era. Gharun-Set, activate the traps-- Quickly! My greatest creation-- So useful to me, but too dangerous to roam free. If only I had time to destroy him, as I should. But I have a more pressing death I must prevent. My own. AAAAAAAAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Kind of defeating the whole stealth element of a stealth suit, Bobo. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, now was I supposed to know that ghanoush went bad? : '''Rex:''' Maybe because you found it in a garbage can. : '''Bobo:''' On top of a garbage can. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to Rex. Are you at the site? : '''Rex:''' There is not site, remember? Black Knight blew the pace to kingdom come. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Yet it's still guarded. And thanks to the data you stole from Providence, we know why. : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss back in time? I still find it hard to believe. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You were sent six months into the future, Rex. It stands to reason that the reverse is possible. : '''Rex:''' Well, if you expect to find him here, maybe we should check the mummy museum. We're sensing nanites-- Definitely V.K.'s. They've been dead a long time. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over 4,000 years. I'm also detecting tachyons-- Quantum particles that travel in time. I think it's clear what he was making. : '''Bobo:''' A latrine? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' A time machine. : '''Rex:''' No way he pulled it off! If mister ego made it back to here and now, we'd know about it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Some of these nanites are considerably younger. That means he was there in two different time periods. : '''Rex:''' Time travel gives me a headache. Just tell me-- Where is he now? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The more accurate question is, when is he? : '''Van Kleiss:''' AAAAAAH! : ''[Van Kleiss gasping]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! The ordeal is... draining. But now, back in my own time, I can replenish my nanite reserves and-- : '''Gladiator #1:''' Quis es tu? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I recognize the language, of course-- Classical latin. Qui-- Q-Qui annus est? : '''Gladiator #1:''' What year is it? You dare question a captain of the imperial guard? Aegyptus is a roman Providence! Answer! Who are you? : '''Gladiator #2:''' Don't bother-- He's clearly sun-mad. : '''Van Kleiss:''' The dialect, the dress-- This is the second century A.D. A mere 2,000 years has passed. I'm only halfway home! : '''Gladiator #1:''' Another escaped slave. Finish him and be done with it. : ''[Gladiator #2 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It was all the fight I could muster. I had no way to replace the nanites I'd spent in the journey, and my gauntlet had yet to recharge those that remained. : '''Gladiator #2:''' This one shows spirit. He'll bring a good price in the arena. : '''Van Kleiss:''' OOMPH! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #2:''' Save your strength. : '''Gladiator #3:''' Where you're going, you'll need it. : ''[Van Kleiss slurps]'' : ''[Van Kleiss gulps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I intend to. Of the mysterious force, there is no sign. Yet I sense it is close-- Pursuing me even across the centuries. I am convinced it is a manifestation of time itself. My presence is a violation of physics-- An imbalance which the time stream seeks to correct... By wiping me from existence. But of this, I am certain-- If I do not return to my own time, it will surely destroy me. : '''Gladiator #1:''' You are fortunate, slave. To die in the arena is a great honor. : '''Van Kleiss:''' An honor I look forward to bestowing. : ''[Gladiator #1 laughs]'' : '''Gladiator #1:''' You see? Spirit! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' Put on a good show, little man, and I promise to make your end a painless one. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Indeed? : ''[Gladiator #3 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I, on the other hand, make no such promise. : ''[Gladiator #3 grunting]'' : ''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Gladiator #3 groans]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' One against so many? Hardly seems fair. For them. : '''Gladiator #4:''' ARRRGHHHH! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ordinarily, I'd say "take me to your leader," but I believe he's already here. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great warrior... Never have I seen such a battle. I am... : '''Van Kleiss:''' Septimius Severus, 21st emperor of Rome, founder of the severan dynasty. And, as I recall, you poisoned your own commanding officer to get his position... And wear only boots to conceal a prodigious clubfoot. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Are you a man... Or a God? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I find both labels rather limiting. Now, then, you are going to give me whatever I require, starting with a quiet place to work. I, in return, shall ensure the growth and security of your reign as emperor. You may call me Van Kleiss. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Whatever your desire, great Vanklios. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, it's... Got a rather nice ring. : '''Rex:''' What's with this guy? Gets a portrait done in every time period? : '''Bobo:''' Mm. ''[muffled]'' Truly a nutjob for the ages. Mm. Speaking of nuts... Want some? : '''Rex:''' You've been dumpster-diving again? : '''Bobo:''' I prefer "foraging." : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Nice sleuthing there, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Nanites decay at a measurable half-life. I set our sat-net to do a global scan for the same frequency-- Ergo, Rome. : '''Rex:''' Great. You scan for the next stop, we'll grab a pizza. : '''Bobo:''' Pass. I'm experiencing inexpicable gastric distress. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it would take months to scan the entire spectrum. You need to find the next decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Kind of like nanite connect-the-dots! Can I do it with someone else? : '''Bobo:''' Hey, quiet, you! Rah! : '''Rex:''' This goose chase just got a little wilder. My brother's here. : '''Caesar:''' Caesar to Black. We've detected paleo-nanites. Tachyon readings negative. We're moving to the next hot stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons-- They want Van Kleiss' time machine. Follow them. : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Bobo:''' Can you give me a teeny sec? I gotta find the little gladiators' room. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Advances in the last two millenia have allowed me to complete my lab in weeks instead of months. Restrict the flow! Do you want to overload the power cells? Meanwhile, my own nanite supply continues to dwindle. : ''[Septimius Severus panting]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great Vanklios, protect me! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I've divulged metallurgy and tactics beyond your day. No man may threaten your rule. : '''Septimius Severus:''' This is no man-- But an apparition! : ''[Septimius Severus grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' What apparition? Speak, parasite! : '''Septimius Severus:''' A spirit of doom! Numerous sightings-- The insulare, the rostra, the forum. Listen! It comes! It comes! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Fool. It only wants me. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Ugh! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I release you. Go start a few legends. : '''Septimius Severus:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOO! : ''[Septimius Severus gasps]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Be gone! I beg of you! Aah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, those stress lines-- It's the same pattern we saw in Egypt. : '''Black Knight:''' Report. : '''Caesar:''' These aqueducts are truly marvels of roman engineering. : '''Black Knight:''' Have you picked up the next decay frequency? : '''Caesar:''' Oh-- That. Yes. Uplinking to our global net. Odd. These tachyons seems unrelated to-- : '''Black Knight:''' We have the next target. Scandinavia. Move out. White Knight may have people on the trail. I expect you to do whatever it takes to procure the objective. : '''Rex:''' Shh! : '''Caesar:''' I've initiated the same steps as in Egypt! Come along. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need that decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Just one small problem, doc. This place... is toast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? Bobo? Respond! : '''Rex:''' We're okay, doc. Not a mark on us. : '''Bobo:''' Same can't be said for my stealth suit. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex and Bobo gasps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' So many lives... It's become a blur. I don't know who I am anymore. Only that I must sail onward, ever onwoard down the river of time. Never resting, always moving. Further draining my nanite reserves beyond my ability to replenish. And each re-emergence, I am pursued by the nameless force. I now know it's personal. I am a virus-- An infection of space-time. Call it what you like. This is time's antibody. Whether I can borne home or drowned in its currents, this is my final journey. : '''Rex:''' Hurry! I'm not sure if we here followed. : '''Bobo:''' I'm sure. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Don't shoot! It's me. : '''Rex:''' Holiday? Shouldn't you be at the plant, connecting the dots? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No more dots to connect. The trail ends here. And... I'm reading a humanoid form inside. : '''Rex:''' I'm confused. Is it a time machine or isn't it? : '''Caesar:''' It's not a time machine. Are those really necessary? : '''Rex:''' No way you're getting this time machine, bro! : '''Caesar:''' I don't want it. And it's not a time machine. : '''Bobo:''' Well, then, what is it? A meat locker for cold cuts? : '''Caesar:''' Surprisingly close. We use this technique to transfer unstable nanites. It puts them into a state of dormancy. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Of course. It's a hibernation chamber. : '''Caesar:''' Only his nanites were dormant. There would still be neuron flow. : '''Rex:''' Mind telling me what that means, exactly? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He was... Aware. The whole time, for hundreds of years. : '''Caesar:''' He would have felt every minute pass. : '''Rex:''' No way! He's totally a mummy! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Run! It's coming! It's coming?! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Rex:''' Easy, easy, Van Kleiss. You're back-- Back in your own time. : '''Van Kleiss:''' No! No, it'll find me! It always does! You must protect me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyon readings off the chart! Rex, you can't affect that thing. I don't know what can. : '''Caesar:''' It's a field of pure tachyons. I've got to get a sample. : '''Rex:''' Oh, no, you don't! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I'm back! Back in my own time! You shall not have me?! OHHHH! : '''Bobo:''' Settle down, Van Winkle. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, no. It couldn't be. I need some way to contain it! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons can't be contained! : '''Caesar:''' Yes, they can. Rex! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it's too risky! : '''Rex:''' But I know what this is. Correction-- I know who this is. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's... Breach. : '''Rex:''' Breach. Breach! It's me-- Rex. : '''Breach:''' Rex? Are you real... Or a dream? : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm real. : '''Breach:''' I was everywhere-- Everywhen. But I was nothing-- An emptiness, needing to be filled. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The amp pack. Van Kleiss controlled it. When his nanites were active, Breach was drawn into his timeframe. : ''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' The final joining would have destroyed them both. : '''Breach:''' Guess I should say thanks. : '''Rex:''' Hey, what are friends for? Um, we are still friends... Right? : '''Caesar:''' You did well, little bro. : '''Rex:''' And you have your time machine that... isn't a time machine. Everybody goes home happy. : '''Caesar:''' That? A curiosity-- True. But it was never our goal. : ''[Van Kleiss shivering]'' : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss?! All this for him? what, they're gonna put him in jail? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's Providence, Rex. That's their jurisdiction. : '''Caesar:''' No need to worry, little brother. He's going to be well supervised. : '''Rex:''' Caesar, what is going on!? : '''Caesar:''' Justice. : '''Bobo:''' Two words-- Crème Brûlée. Ooh. Right after I make a french connection. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Welcome back, Van Kleiss. You look terrible. Ordinarily, I'd say get some rest, but you've had enough of that, I suppose. : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Pull it together. We have work to do. Do you know who I am? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I know who you are. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. ===Mind Games=== : '''Rex''': Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure of that. : '''Six''': I told you not to get involved, Rex. You're not at full strength. : '''Rex''': What was I supposed to do-- Just leave it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six has a point, Rex. You're pushed to the edge lately. You can't see everyone. : '''Rex''': Not listening! Don't worry, dude. I'll have you out of here before you can say-- Circe?! : '''Circe''': Hey, Rex. Rex! Aaaah! : ''[Circe sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex! Rex, do you read? What's going on? Your bios are low. : '''Rex''': Leave her alone! You okay? : '''Circe''': I think so. We have to go. : '''Rex''': Think that's your cue. Hang on. I think I got it. Ow! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Hate this things. : '''Circe''': Try wearing one. : '''Rex''': I have. So, what happened? I thought Providence had you at Abysus. : '''Circe''': I got away. : '''Rex''': What about the Pack? : '''Circe''': The Pack? I-- Don't know. Things are bad out there, Rex. I've been on the run for weeks. Providence has been stepping up their capture orders. I think something big is going down. : '''Rex''': Tell me about it. Listen, I know we're gonna want to say no, but with everything that's going on... : '''Circe''': I should stay at the plant. It's safer, right? : '''Rex''': Wow, that was-- Easy. I had a whole speech and everything. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Well, everything checks out. You're the picture of health. I wish you'd let me do some more thorough scans, through. : '''Six''': How was it you said you got away? : '''Circe''': It's a long story. You guys have bigger things to worry about than me... like the Meta-Nanites. Did you get the one from Abysus? Have you found anymore? : '''Rex''': Ugh, who cares? Let's go do something fun. You want to put Bobo' hand in shaving cream? : ''[Circe yawns]'' : '''Circe''': Actually, Rex, I'm kind of tired. I thing I might just crash if that's cool. : '''Rex''': Oh... yeah. Stupid of me. You, uh, get some sleep. Hey, doc. What are you doing? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. I was just... working. What are you doing up? : '''Rex''': Ah, it's... stupid. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Yeah, probably. But... go ahead. : '''Rex''': I'm... excited. Since I got breached, everything's been so crazy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Since you got breached? Right. : '''Rex''': But with Circe back, I'm starting to think maybe things will turn out okay. : '''White Knight''': I need everyone in the situation room in five minutes. : '''Rex''': So much for that. : ''[Dr. Holiday yawns]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': What'd I miss? : '''Rex''': Wow, Doc. You sure got comfy quick. : '''White Knight''': Listen up, people. We need to retrieve a valuable asset before it falls into enemy hands. : '''Six''': What's the objective? : '''White Knight''': This man... Dr. Peter Meechum. : '''Rex''': That guy? I remember him. Van crazy kiddnaped his daughter. : '''White Knight''': Meechum spent the last year at a safehouse facility... Codename: Pandora's Box... location know only to me. : '''Rex''': Why all the cloak and dagger? : '''White Knight''': Because Meechum was one of the original scientists on the Nanite Project. He was given a panic button in case of emergency. Thirty minutes ago-- He activated it. : '''Six''': Providence? : '''White Knight''': We have to assume they're trying to assemble the original members of the Nanite Project. What Meechum knows is too valuable to fall into the wrong hands, so go get him. : '''Six''': Maybe Circe should stay here. : '''Rex''': What? Why? : '''Six''': She's not on the team yet-- Not officialy. : '''White Knight''': Take her. She'll be useful in the field. : '''Rex''': Ahem. You guys forget you key? Did you check under the mat? : '''Six''': Rex, focus on the mission. Get to Meechum! : '''Rex''': Relax, Six. I could take these guys in my sleep, especially with help from... Huh? Circe? Uh... Time-out? : '''Six''': Peter Meechum, you need to come with us. : ''[Dr. Meechum scoffs]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': Took you long enough. : '''Rex''': Time in. : '''White Knight''': Still no sign of Circe, Rex. We'll keep looking, but for right now, Meechum is our top priority. : '''Dr. Holiday''': We'll find her, Rex. Don't worry. : '''White Knight''': In the meantime, Dr. Meechum, I've checked, and your daughter is safe at her boarding school in England. : '''Dr. Meechum''': My daughter. Right. : '''White Knight''': We can make immediate arrangements to take you to her. : '''Dr. Meechum''': No, I'd rather stay with you if that's all right. It's, uh-- It's safer. : '''White Knight''': Of course. White Knight out. : '''Rex''': So, after that, Providence attacked Abysus to get the Master-Control Nanite. Guess you were next on their list. : '''Dr. Meechum''': I see. And all this happened in the last year? : '''Six''': You've missed a lot since you've been away, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Horrible. I could never work for a Providence like that. I have to say it's all very impressive. Providence has certainly done a lot in the last year. : '''Caesar''': And with your help, doctor, we can do more. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Where's White Knight? I should tell him I've arrived. : '''Black Knight''': I can answer that for you. It's good to have you back, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What happened to White? : '''Black Knight''': Just a routine change in command. Nothing to worry about. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Tell me you have my money ready. : '''Black Knight''': You get away you want when I get what I want... Not before. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Relax. : '''Six''': I'm a professional, aren't I? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six, see Meechum? I have some data I'd like to go over with him. Are you... okay? : '''Six''': Rebecca, I have something important to tell you. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Okay. Well... Thanks for tell me. : '''Six''': Rex, are you in here? I do not understand this show. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Am I interrupting? : '''Six''': Not at all. What can I do for you? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Nothing important. I just wanted to say... earlier... that was nice. Unexpected but nice. : '''Six''': Earlier? : '''Dr. Holiday''': In the lab? : '''Six''': I have no idea what you're talking about. : ''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' : '''Rex''': Six, I need to talk to you about Circe. Uh... Six? Earth to agent guy. You okay? : '''Six''': I'm fine. I've just decided not to waste any more time on you, Rex. : '''Rex''': Um... Is this because I accidentaly used your swords to slice a pizza? : '''Six''': It's because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to complete the mission. : '''Rex''': Ohh, I get it. This is one of your test, right? : '''Six''': No test. Just me coming to my senses. You're not strong enough to survive what's coming. In the end, you're gonna let us all down. : ''[Dr. Holiday crying]'' : '''Rex''': Doc? What's wrong? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' I-It's nothing, Rex. I didn't want you to see me like this. : '''Rex''': Well, what is it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' It's Six. I'm afraid of him. : '''Rex''': What?! That's crazy talk. : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' Is it? You have to have seen it. He's violent, on edge. He's losing control. : '''Rex''': Are we talking about the same Six? : '''Dr. Holiday''': We don't even known him. He was a killer, Rex. The old Six might have changed, but how do we know this Six didn't come back... Wrong? : ''[Dr. Meechum whistling]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': I have a question. How do you plan to re-create the project without a bio-interface expert? : '''Caesar''': Oh, but we do have one. : '''Van Kleiss''': No! The string doesn't work. Gordian knot, tied up tight. Alexander cheated. Can't cheat. Eyes on your own paper! Peter? No! Can't be! Different time, different me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Van Kleiss? You brought back that monster? : '''Caesar''': Of course. He was the original interface programmer. Who better? : '''Dr. Meechum''': Excuse me a moment. White, what the heck is going on?! : '''White Knight''': Peter? Where are you? : '''Dr. Meechum''': I'm at Providence. Where are you? : '''White Knight''': Providence. But that's not-- I have to go. We have a problem. : '''Rex''': You're darn right we have a problem, because this isn't Peter Meechum! : ''[Dr. Meechum laughing maniacally]'' : '''Scarecrow''': Heya, Rex. Miss me? : '''Rex''': Who are you? Where's Meechum? : '''White Knight''': His name's John Scarecrow. He's an EVO, specialist in infiltration. Black Knight played us. : '''Scarecrow''': You really don't remember me, Rex? I'll give you a hint. We used to share a stomping ground. We had a problem with a shapes hifter once. : '''Rex''': You were in Hong Kong. : '''Scarecrow''': Give the man a prize. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Six''': I think he went that way. : '''Rex''': Wait a minute. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Rex''': I cannot believe I fell for that. : '''Scarecrow''': Look at you. You're ridiculous. You think he'll come to his senses, realize his true feelings? Then what? You'll settle down. White picket fence. Little agent kids. You're fooling yourself. You're the worst of them... you know that?... Because you know better. You really think you can save the world? None of you can survive what's coming! : '''Rex''': Prove it's really you. What's my favorite color? : '''Six''': I have no idea. : '''Rex''': It's you, all right. : ''[Dr. Holiday screaming]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Put it away. I'm not the EVO. : '''Six''': We heard you scream. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That wasn't me. : '''Six''': Let's all calm down. We can figure this out. : '''Rex''': Why, Six? Because I'm weak? You don't think I can handle this? : '''Six''': I never said that. : '''Rex''': But you think it, right? I don't see you putting down your guns, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday''': I know it's not me. I'm not sure about you two. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Scarecrow''': So easy. I barely had to nudge you. : '''Rex''': Whatever you're after, you're not getting away with it. : '''Scarecrow''': Get away with it?! Re-e-e-x, I got what I needed in the first five minutes. : '''Rex''': Then why? Why do all this? : '''Scarecrow''': Simple. I wanted to do to you what you did to me. : '''Rex''': I'm done with you! : ''[Scarecrow groans]'' : '''Scarecrow''': The big hero. Why do you get to forget? It's not fair! : '''Rex''': Whine, whine, whine. What... you didn't get enough crazy hugs as a kid? : '''Scarecrow''': You think I'm the only one you hurt? Then tell me-- : '''Skwydd''': What about us? Why'd you betray me? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Circe:''' You promised to protect me, Rex. Where were you? : '''Rex:''' Stop it! : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex breathing heavily]'' : '''Caesar''': Face it, bro. It's why I left you. Mom and dad, too. : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': You're your own worst enemy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That's for Rex. That's for Providence. And that was for the kiss. : '''White Knight''': Providence won this round. No question. : '''Rex''': They have the real Meechum. Maybe more. : '''Dr. Holiday''': There's no telling how much of our system Scarecrow uploaded. : '''Six''': But we have to assume they know everything we do. : ''[Scarecrow laughs evilly]'' : '''White Knight''': Black Knight is coming for us. It's just a matter of time. : '''Dr. Holiday''': So? I mean, we knew that. Nothing's changed, right? : '''Six''': Rex, this is what they wanted-- To turn us against each other. : '''Rex''': Yeah, and look how easy it was. We thought we were a team, but we're not. We're vulnerable. : '''Van Kleiss''': It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Looking past Occam's Razor, we can clearly see to a quantum level. A quantum level is what I'm trying to achieve, because if I didn't do the quantum level, then I can understand what's happening. : '''Caesar''': I know you don't like this, but it's not about us. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Can you do it? Can you control him? : '''Caesar''': Leave Van Kleiss to me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What about Black Knight? I don't like her, Salazar. Never did. : '''Caesar''': Trust me, Peter-- When we're finished, the end will justify the means. ===Hermanos=== :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-OA! Unh! Ugh! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Agent Six''': Be careful, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm touched by your concern, Six. :'''Agent Six''': It's not for you. We don't have Providence to pick up the tab anymore. You break it, you buy it. :''[Rex growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm saving the day here. What are they gonna do--Sue me? Oh, come on! It was a rhetorical question! What was I supposed to do? The whole building was made of glass! :'''Lawyer''': ''[Hispanic accent]'' Glass? What are you talking about? :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm... not talking about anything. What are you talking about? :'''Lawyer''': Mr. Salazar, I'm an associate at the stateside branch of the Argentinean firm Gomez and Gomez. And today, sir, is your lucky day! :'''Rex Salazar''': What's this? :'''Lawyer''': It's yours! :'''Noah Nixon''': No away! This is your house? :'''Rex Salazar''': I know! According to the lawyer guy, this rancho in Argentina's been in my family forever. And ever since my parents died in the event, those lawyers have been trying to track down the heir. And guess who that is. :'''Noah Nixon''': You and your brother? :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, yeah, right. Him too. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': Dude, it's never a good time, but you go to-- O...kay, so maybe this really isn't a good time, but this is important. I was being chased by a lawyer. No, I wasn't being sued this time. But you'll never guess what he-- :'''Caesar Salazar''': Is this about the rancho? :'''Rex Salazar''': You know about it? :'''Caesar Salazar''': Those lawyers have left me a dozen messages. :'''Rex Salazar''': And you didn't tell me? Caesar, I never even knew we had this place! There might be photo albums, home movies-- I don't know-- maybe even an old teddy bear or something. :'''Caesar Salazar''': You never had a teddy bear. :'''Rex Salazar''': See, the fact that you know that and I don't-- that's why we need to go down there. :'''Lawyer''': Clear! :'''Caesar Salazar''': I can't, Rex. My work's already been interrupted once today. Although... Now that you mention the ranch, it does bring back some memories. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? Like what? :'''Caesar Salazar''': There was an experiment I remember mom and dad running. If you could find the notes, it might save some time on the work I'm doing now. :'''Rex Salazar''': Notes? Come on. Isn't family more important than-- Guess not. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Why can't I have a normal brother? Know anything about cows? Thanks for coming with me. This is really a family thing, but my brother is, well-- My brother. :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you kidding? I'm psyched! I've been killing myself trying to find a birthday present for Claire. A vacation at my best friend's awesome ancestral estate? What other guy could offer her that? :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, but then why bring Annie? :'''Annie''': Um, this just kind of broke off. :''[Annie, Claire and Noah screaming]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': AAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I sure hope this isn't included in Six's "You break it, you buy it" policy. :'''Annie''': Sorry. :'''Rex Salazar''': No problem. We're here. :'''Claire Bowman''': Are... you sure this is the place? :'''Noah Nixon''': What happened to it? :'''Annie''': Hey, don't look at me. I just got there. :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Annie''': Okay, that was me. :'''Rex Salazar''': I guess this must be my... family. :'''Claire Bowman''': Looks like you-- But with a 'stache. :'''Annie''': I like you with a 'stache. :'''Claire Bowman''': Hey, there are chickens in here! :'''Annie''': And llamas! :'''Noah Nixon''': Chicken, llamas-- And a funny-looking bull. :''[Chiquito snorts]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I-I-I take it back! You're not funny-looking! :'''Chiquito''': This place is Durango's! :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, actually-- :'''Chuquito''': No fancy talk! Just go! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Okay, number one, how is "actually" fancy talk! Number two, I don't know who Durango is, but this farm isn't his. And number three-- :''[Chiquito grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Ugh! All right, there's no misunderstanding the international language of getting punched in the face. So read my fist-- Get out of my house! :'''Chiquito''': Durango will not be happy! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, don't know who that guy was, but problem solved. :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh, you think? Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Calmate, Chiquito. You are my brother. I would not do anything to hurt mi hermano. Unless you force me to. I cannot lose that tract of land. Without its right of way, I will lose my claim on the rest of the county. But never mind. They will learn-- When you mess with the bull, you get the horns. :'''Rex Salazar''': OHHH! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': A chicken just tried to poop on my shoe! :'''Rex Salazar''': I think I can top you there. :'''Noah Nixon''': No offense, but when I asked Claire to come here, this wasn't what I was hoping for. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, me either. I mean, I was thinking I'd find-- I don't know what. But everything in this place has been smashed or stolen. Maybe this whole family thing isn't for me. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': That's the one! :'''Claire Bowman''': Please, Noah. It just needed a little help laying an egg. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[Chuckling]'' What, did you grow up on a farm in Kansas? :'''Claire Bowman''': An apartment in Chicago-- Which is where I learned to download videos onto my phone. :'''Telephone Voice''': When caring for an egg bearing hen, remember to-- :'''Muchado''': Hola? Quien esta aquí? :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh... hello? :'''Muchado''': So, you are the Americans? I am Señor Muchado-- The juez. :'''Claire Bowman''': That's like a judge? :'''Muchado''': Sí. For all intents and purposes, I am the law in this county-- Which is why I have come here with him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Good, because I definitely want to press charges. :'''Muchado''': You misunderstand. I am here because of the trouble you caused for Chiquito. :'''Rex Salazar''': Chiquito? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Your mom must have some sense of humor to name you "Tiny". :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Muchado''': Chiquito's brother is Señor Durango. He controls most of the land in this county, including this hacienda. At Señor Durango's request, I have prepared a legal order compelling you to vacate. :'''Claire Bowman''': But this is Rex's farm. :'''Annie''': Yeah, he's got a deed and everything. :'''Muchado''': This might have some bearing-- If you were a Salazar. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, we're in luck. I am. :'''Annie''': Maybe this will help. :'''Muchado''': You may be a Salazar, but by our law, this land has been deemed abandoned, and Señor Durango has claimed it. :'''Rex Salazar''': Sorry. Been sort of busy saving the world and stuff. But I'm here now, so consider his claim unclaimed, then reclaimed by me. :'''Muchado''': It is not so simple. You would have to demonstrate you are actively maintaining the ranch. That means shearing and feeding the animals, bringing your bulls to market-- :'''Rex Salazar''': To market? What, like a... cattle drive? :'''Claire Bowman''': No problem. We can totally figure out how to do that. :'''Muchado''': A ranch this size requires at least a dozen hired men. :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, just... uh... :'''Muchado''': No one within 100 kilometers will help you cross Señor Durango. If you do this, you will do it alone. And you will fail. :'''Claire Bowman''': Well, that guy was kind of a jerk. :'''Annie''': Yeah. So, let's get to work. :'''Noah Nixon''': How? Everything here is broken. :'''Annie''': Uh, have you seen my house? :'''Rex Salazar''': You guys don't have to do this. :'''Claire Bowman''': What kind of friend would walk away now? :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh... yeah! No way you could stop me from helping take care of these totally not-gross animals. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, I'm smiling like that's what I mean, aren't? :''[Noah exhales deeply]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I can do this! I can't do this. Until I've done my milking warm-up. :'''Claire Bowman''': Ugh. Hold this. :'''Telephone Voice''': With you head resting on her flank, gently grasp the udder with the palm of your hand. :'''Noah Nixon''': AAH! :''[Claire giggles]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': I think she likes you. :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': This is your home. Get in your home! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Whoa! AAAH! AAH! Ugh! This is hopeless! This farm only has one bull, and I can't even get it into the barn. And this... better just be mud. :'''Annie''': Hang on! I'll help you! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No! Don't! :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you guys okay? :'''Claire Bowman''': What is it? A storm cellar? :'''Noah Nixon''': Looks like some kind of lab. :'''Rex Salazar''': Figures. My mom and dad were Caesar's parents, too. Of course they'd find a way to take work home with them. Probably where those notes Caesar wanted are. Might as well grab them before the judge kicks us out. :'''Claire Bowman''': What's he talking about? I think we're doing a pretty good job taking care of the-- :'''Annie''': Uh, guys-- :''[Claire grunts]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Wait-- Donkeys eat hay, don't they? Maybe we can use it to lure them back into the barn. :'''Annie''': I got it! Ugh! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, on the plus side, at least we now know for sure that donkeys do eat hay. :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day, these things are going to change the world, and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': ''[chuckling]'' Caesar, please, mi hijo. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay! Okay! :''[Claire sniffs]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': What's that smell? :'''Noah Nixon''': Which one? Everything here smells. :'''Claire Bowman''': No, it smells like... smoke! :'''Annie''': Rex! The straw caught on fire, and it exploded! :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Chiquito''': Hermano! No! Oomph! :'''Senior Durango''': What were you thinking? I told you to smoke them out, not burn the land! This is my land! If you weren't my brother-- :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Senior Durango''': But you are. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, you must be the brother. Hope I'm not interrupting some kind of weird tender moment. :'''Senior Durango''': Soy Durango. And I hope there is still a chance we can reach a resonable agreement. :'''Claire Bowman''': So, then you'll let Rex keep the farm? We played by the rules. :'''Senior Durango''': Around here, I make the rules. :'''Annie''': But the judge said-- :'''Senior Durango''': The judge works for me. Now, please, I'm giving you one last chance to leave. :'''Noah Nixon''': Okay, sure! Oh, wait-- That's right. Your fire blew up what was left of our plane! :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh, let me handle the trash-talking with the 20-foot-tall monster EVO, okay? Leave them out of this! They shouldn't even be here! It should have been my brother! :'''Senior Durango''': That is why you will lose your farm. Without family, a man is nothing. After all, what is this land to them? :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't even know what this place is to me. I came here hoping to find out more about who my family is. :''[Rex start looking at Noah, Claire and Annie, and smile to them]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': And I did. So, you're going to stop threatening them-- And me-- And get off my land. :''[Durango snarls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay. Here's the plan-- Stay behind me! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, there goes that plan. :'''Senior Durango''': Hurt them. You can do that, can't you? :'''Claire Bowman''': W-what do we do now?! :'''Annie''': The only one of us with powers just got kicked to the curb. :'''Noah Nixon''': That depends on what you mean by "powers". :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex muffled grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Not a good time, Caesar. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just wanted to tell you-- Forget about those notes. I realized that's not what's important about you going down there. :''[Durango snarls]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wow, Caesar. I can't believe you came around. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just realized-- The really important thing is, if you happen to find a termo-chronometer I remember having down there, it would save me from ordering one. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito growls]'' :''[Chiquito snarls, roars]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Chiquito snorts]'' <hr width80%> :[''On videotape of the Salazar family]'' :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day these things are going to change the world and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': Cesar, please miquito. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay, okay. <hr width80%> :'''Noah Nixon''': This morning, I almost had to touch a cow's underparts. You think you can do me worse than that? Bring it. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito roars]'' :'''Annie''': Ugh! I didn't mean for that to happen. :'''Claire Bowman''': We did. :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ugh! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! :'''Senior Durango''': OOMPH! :''[Durango lows]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-O-O-O O-OA! :''[Durango lows]'' :''[Durango snorts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Durango growls]'' :''[Durango growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Trust me-- My brother's let me down way worse. But what am I gonna do? He's my brother. :'''Senior Durango''': It is over. :'''Rex Salazar''': Nice ego there, but I've been hit a lot harder. :''[Durango spits]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Those bells signal the market is ending soon. I can see you have yet to herd you cattle there. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, come on! The one cattle I've got doesn't even move! :'''Senior Durango''': If you do not have your cattle to market before it ends, you will have failed to fulfill your deed, and this land will be mine. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then I guess I don't have any time to waste talking about it. :'''Claire Bowman''': Come on. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': Forget it. I got this. :'''Claire Bowman''': WHOO-HOO! Yes! Go, Rex! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Where's Durango? :'''Rex Salazar''': OWW! Come on! You don't move the whole time, and you can't stay still? :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': What is this, a western? You're actually trying to stop him with a rockslide? :'''Senior Durango''': You? Here? How is that even possible? :'''Telephone Voice''': Donkeys can be ridden surprinsingly fast if you-- :'''Noah Nixon''': Come on! Just give up! The farm belong to Rex. And I really want to get off this thing. :'''Senior Durango''': You think I'm afraid of you ''[scoffs]'' boy? :'''Claire Bowman''': Oh, it's not the boy you should be afraid of. :'''Annie''': Oops. :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Ugh! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': We sheared the llamas, we milked the cows, I got the bull to town. We did everything in the deed. :'''Muchado''': Sí, sí. But more important, you faced Durango and won! Once the other ranchers hear of this, they won't be afraid. You have broken Durango's hold on our lands. :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait-- You're... happy about that? :'''Muchado''': Of course. I told you exactly what you had to do to legally gain control of the land, didn't I? :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh. I guess you did. :'''Claire Bowman''': Wow! Can you believe how you perfect this all worked out? :'''Noah Nixon''': Yeah, uh, so, maybe we should get out of here before we wear out our welcome. :'''Rex Salazar''': There's just one thing I want to do first. ===The Rescue=== :''Note'': Rex goes alone to rescue his girlfriend Circe from the clutches of Black Knight. but it turns out she has been waiting for him. <hr width80%> ===Alone Together=== :''Note'': Finally together at last, Rex and Circe reminiscence about their good and hard times together ans their romance begins to grow. ===Retribution=== ===Temporary Insanity=== ===Crime and Punishment=== :''Note:'' His false insanity revealed, Van Kleiss abducts Circe with the intent of punishing her for betraying him, due to her enduring love for Rex. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, Circe, you shall learn the ultimate price of betraying me. :'''Rex:''' ''Leave her alone!!'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, Rex. For young love. One of your greatest weaknesses. After I finish off your beloved, you will no longer be a hindrance to me. :'''Rex''' (''enraged'')''':''' I ''said''...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! <hr width80%> ===Shadowed Past=== ===Separation Anxiety=== ===Brotherly Love=== ===Rocky My World=== :'''Beverly:''' Oh, this is so awesome! We're seeing the Trendbenders live! :'''Rex:''' Well, maybe not see them, but we'll totally hear them. :'''Sebastian''': Attention! The Trendbenders will be arriving through the back of the club. :'''Beverly:''' Slick trick! Yes, Rebecca. I know! Only drink the bottled water. No, we're not that close to the stage. Ugh! I know that's where they mosh-pit. Don't worry! Bye! :'''Rex:''' Your sister is acting like your mother. I wouldn't put up with it. Doc?! I'm right next to her! Yes, we've got earplugs. Only bottled water-- I know! Yes, you'll pick us up at 11:00. Okay! Bye! :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' I met a guy who has looking for a lucky break. I met a guy mad he wouldn't make a mistake. No loser here the weight would be upon his face. This ain't no lucky break it's just another day. :'''Beverly:''' Hey! :'''Rex:''' There's something wrong with that guy. :'''Beverly:''' Yeah! It's called lack of social skills. :'''Sebastian:''' We have to talk! You got to listen to me! :'''Rex:''' I think they're a little too busy for a chat right now. :'''Sebastian:''' It's me! Your first fan! :'''Rex:''' Come on, dude. Can't you just watch the show, like everyone else? :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' You won't bring me down. Yeah-yeah-yeah. You won't bring me down. :'''Sebastian:''' I'm not just everyone else. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' You want to rethink trying to stop me? :'''Beverly:''' Whoa! Geek in triplicate! :'''Rex:''' More like EVO geek. :'''Sebastian:''' I bet you're not even a real fan! :'''Rex:''' Hey, I know their music! :'''Sebastian:''' Yeah? What album is "Bitten on the Wind" from? :'''Beverly:''' Uh, their first album. :'''Sebastian:''' Wrong! Their third! Poser! :'''Sly:''' Here's one from our first album-- "Bitten on the Wind." :'''Beverly:''' Told ya! Their first album! Who's the poser now? :'''Sebastian:''' But it is their third. They keep denying their first two albums exist! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :''[Rex bones cracking]'' :'''Rex:''' Shouldn't you be home, making sure your mom isn't snooping around your basement? Ouch! All right, I've had enough. :'''Sebastian:''' I know you. You're that guy from Providence that beats up on EVOs. :'''Rex:''' And I'm guessing you're not one of my fans. :'''Sebastian:''' This isn't over! They still need me to show them the way back. I'll make them listen to me.. No matter what! Ugh! :'''Man:''' No re-entry without a hand stamp. :'''Rex:''' Uh, but-- :'''JoJo:''' It's okay. He's with me. I'm JoJo, the band's manager. :'''Beverly:''' Oh! Sly Tyler, vocals, six-stringer. Burrito Beau on the big bottom, and Leon Adler on the skins. :'''Beau:''' Bass. Drums. :'''Beverly:''' They're even cutter up close! :'''JoJo:''' But Sebastian isn't. And now that fruitcake fan has become a major menace. :'''Rex:''' You know who that guy is? :'''Sly:''' Yeah, he's one of our first fans from way back. :'''Leon:''' But he didn't like our change in music direction. :'''Beau:''' Change, like in popular. :'''Sly:''' So he started sending us nasty e-mails and slagging us on the fan sites. :'''JoJo:''' But now he's turned violent, and it turns out he's... H-he's... :'''Rex:''' An EVO that can multiply himself. :'''JoJo:''' We can't handle that kind of threat, but you can. :'''Beverly:''' Is this a job offer? :'''JoJo:''' As head of security for the rest of the tour. :'''Rex:''' Huh, I don't know. Putting up with groupies, great music, catering, the Rock'n'roll lifestyle-- Oh, right, like I'm not totally in for this! :'''Beverly:''' And I'm your deputy, sheriff. :'''Sly:''' Absolutely. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Absolutely not. :'''Rex:''' They've got an EVO threat. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Fine, Rex. Beverly? And don't forget to use earplugs. :'''Rex:''' Private jet to the next gig? Airline-- First class? Coach? :'''JoJo:''' Of the road kind. :'''Rex:''' Traveling the open road, bringing music to the people. Where to next? :'''Beau:''' Eugene, Oregon. ''[Unenthusiastically]'' WHOO-HOO! :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Leon:''' Bad seat. Got a lot of them. :''[Beau farts]'' :''[Rex sniffs]'' :'''Leon and Rex:''' Oh! :''[Leon coughs]'' :'''Leon:''' Isn't the ozone layer depleted enough, Beau? :'''Rex:''' Want to hit the streets and check out the local scene? :'''Sly:''' Seriously, man? It's just another town. :'''Beau:''' Been there. Seen them all. :'''TV Announcer:''' He's currently under 3, 2 behind the leader. This is a very tricky-- :'''Rex:''' Oh, let's throw this in the pool! :'''Leon:''' Hey, I'm watching something, dude! :'''Rex:''' How about a food fight? :'''Sly:''' Sorry, man. Not feeling it. :'''Rex:''' This isn't feeling very Rock'n'Roll. :'''JoJo:''' Rex, we hired you to consult on security, not rock-tour clichés. :'''Sebastian:''' Room service. :'''JoJo:''' Again? You guys, this is costing too much. :'''Sly:''' But we didn't order anything else. :'''Sebastian:''' That's okay. This is on the house! :''[Sebastian grunts]'' :''[JoJo gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Look out! He's got... Paperwork? :'''Sebastian:''' I've got notes and visuals on where you've gone commercial and how you can get back to your roots! He's with the band now? He's not even a real fan! You see? You've got to come with me. You need my help! :'''Rex:''' They're not going anywhere, but you are! :'''Sebastian:''' My copies don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But you do! :'''Girl:''' Whoa! You must really be a big fan! :'''Sebastian:''' Only of their early stuff. :'''Girl:''' Eww! Their early stuff is weak. :'''Teen girl:''' But their new songs are awesome! :''[Girls giggling]'' :''[Sebastian growls]'' :''[Girls screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. I'm with the band. :'''Teen girl:''' But you missed your ride. :'''Rex:''' That's okay. I've got my own. :'''Man:''' Rock bands! Never again! :'''Sebastian:''' I've got to take you away from this sellout existence, where you deny your first two albums even exist. :'''Sly:''' B-but those albums weren't any good. That's why we only had a few fans, like you. :'''Rex:''' If there's only three of them, then who's driving the car? :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Did he... Ah! Rent that car from the circus? Time to cut this act short. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' Oh, man. I went to my first Trendbenders show in that car. :'''Rex:''' Maybe I can't turn off your obsession, but I can shut down your nanites. :'''Beau:''' That clone-boy? :'''Rex:''' I don't think he's going to be a problem now. :'''JoJo:''' We can still use you on the tour. What did you say? :'''Rex:''' Yes! :'''Sly:''' Good man! ''[singing]'' You see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", kill your radio, you live a life for all to see, sometimes it's right, sometimes obscene, now you're the enemy, it's one for all and all for me, unlocking doors and misery, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, it isn't all, that it's cracked up to be, I never thought it'd be so easy, I wouldn't have it any other way, you see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah". :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Sly:''' At least we got a day off before the next gig. :'''JoJo:''' Guys, a club owner in fleeceburg just offered us amazing money. I booked it. :'''Rex:''' For when? :'''JoJo:''' We're already running late. :'''Sly:''' They're paying money for us to play in this dump? :'''JoJo:''' Big money. Come on. You're on in ten minutes. :'''Rex:''' I'm guessing ticket sales are a little slow. :'''Leon:''' Are we breaking up? :'''Beau:''' This dive seems awfully familiar. :'''Sebastian:''' It should. :'''Rex:''' That voice seems awfully familiar! :'''Teens:''' Dude! Nobody move! What's going on? Who's touching me? What is this? Excuse me. What is going on? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I built an exact replica of the first club you played in. :'''Beau:''' Hey, that's one of my puke stains. Fruitcake knows his details. :'''Rex:''' But I cured you. :'''Sebastian:''' Hmm... That was a copy, not the original. :'''Sly:''' Whatever. When's this gonna end, fan-boy? :'''Sebastian:''' It ends tonight. Check the floor at your feet. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I've given up trying to get you back to your roots. So now you'll play what I want to hear for the next hour. And then your career ends with a bang. :'''Sly:''' On behalf of the band, I'd like to thank our manager, JoJo, for booking this totally insane gig! :''[JoJo laughs nervously]'' :'''Sebastian:''' The sound of cold, hard cash is the only music sellouts like you listen to anymore. :'''Rex:''' They're not sellouts. They just got more popular than you wanted. :'''Sebastian:''' You try anything, and I'll end their last gig prematurely. You're only alive because I want you to see what the Trendbenders used to be like. For the next hour give me the early stuff, when you were cool. :'''Sly:''' Why bother? You're gonna nuke us, anyway. :'''Sebastian:''' Because if you don't play, this happens! :'''Sly:''' Aah! :'''Leon, Sly and Beau:''' No more! :'''Sly:''' Okay, dude, what's the first number? :'''Sebastian:''' "Crawling undertow"! :'''Sly:''' Well, how does it feel? :'''Sebastian:''' First album, seventh song. Fifth song on the Japanese import. :'''Sly:''' To get that weight back on our shoulders-- :'''Sebastian:''' You're giving it a beat that wasn't in the original, man! Not even in the remix from the box set. Play it right this time! I'm missing the concert because of you! :'''Rex:''' Stinks to be you. Got to cure the real Sebastian. But which one is the mother ship? :'''Sebastian:''' You can't even play your old songs like you used to. Total disappointment. Let's end this bummer concert. :'''Sly:''' But we still have over a half-hour left! :'''Sebastian:''' Last song, no encore. :'''Rex:''' Tell me who's the original, or I'll turn you into dessert topping! :'''Sebastian:''' You don't scare me. I don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But the real Sebastian does. Sly! Maximum feedback! Now! Thanks, Doc. :'''Sebastian''': AAAHHHH! :'''Rex:''' How do you like their new hit, Sebastian Prime? Here's another new groove you're not going to like. :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Congrats. You're back to being a solo act. :'''Sebastian:''' You've got to listen to me! :''[Sebastian yelling]'' :'''Rex:''' Kidnapping, assault and battery, construction without a permit-- that should keep him away for years. :'''JoJo:''' Have to say it, guys, but we've got a gig in toledo to get to. Security? :'''Rex:''' Not anymore. Sebastian's done, and so am I. :'''Sly:''' Dude, I thought you wanted the rock'n'roll lifestyle. :'''Rex:''' I'm not tough enough for it. I need to get back to something easier, like city-smashing EVOs and conspiracies to take over the world. :'''Beau:''' Don't know what your missing. :'''Rex:''' I think do. But I don't miss this. Yes, doc? Don't need my earplugs anymore. I quit. Will you let me tell you? No, the EVO threat wasn't just an excuse. Well, I'm coming back! Will you let-- Doc! ===Lost and Found=== ===My Brother's Keeper=== ===Target: the Consortium=== : '''Jungle Cat:''' You are...? : '''Rex:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. What are you? : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : '''Rex:''' HUNH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex gasps deeply]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. That was a total zero on the fun meter. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Learning how to communicate with the nanite world isn't about fun. Did you get anywhere at all? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. I connected with a Master Control Nanite for a second, and then I lost it. But I also got, like, this feeling that something's about to happen in the nanite world. Something... big. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Argh! This is Rylander's speciality, not mine. There's no way I can cover for him. : '''Caesar:''' Not to worry, Dr. Meechum. You won't have to any longer. Dr. Rylander will take over from here. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Oh, really, Caesar? From his current location of beyond the grave? : '''Rylander:''' Actually, Peter, I was never completely dead-- just spread a little thin-- ''[chuckling]'' Moleculary speaking. Caesar's been working on putting me back together. : '''Black Knight:''' All of them together-- At last. Contact the Consortium. We now have something to show them. Something big. : '''White Knight:''' Even having two of the Master Control Nanites doesn't change the vital importance of finding the other three. But the latest intel I've received could give us a way to neutralize the group obsessed with these machines. : '''Six:''' The Consortium. : '''Rex:''' Aren't those the money guys that bankrolled the Nanite Project in Providence? : '''White Knight:''' The same. Formerly made-up of six members, but now five-- Reddick, made his wealth in real estate and construction. Vostock, black market finance and KGB... Zanubian, arms dealing and shipping. Roswell, oil and minerals. Anthony Haden-Scott, worldwide media. : ''[Rex munches]'' : '''Rex:''' Should we be writing this down for the pop quiz later? : '''White Knight:''' You may be facing them soon because of the efforts of our stealthiest agent. : '''Rex:''' Mm! Thank you! I think. : '''Jungle Cat:''' He's not talking about you. : '''Rex:''' Hey! It's Evo-cat guy! Uh... sorry-- What's your name? O...kay, cat with no collar, what's in the sack? Bunch of canaries? Well, that's... something. : '''White Knight:''' Our associate has been tracking the Consortium with a little help from a former member. : '''Rex:''' I remember him! He's the one Rylander got revenge on with an EVO love letter. : '''Jungle Cat:''' That he never recovered from. But he's still full of useful knowledge about the other members. : '''Rex:''' As long as you have a towel handy for the answers. : '''Jungle Cat:''' The Consortium has financed a new facility for nanite research. All of them will be at that location within the next six hours. : '''Six:''' And so will we. : '''White Knight:''' A rare opportunity like this can't be missed. You three will capture the Consortium and bring them to a secure location. Understood? : '''Rex:''' Purrfectly. : '''Black Knight:''' Gentlemen, I wanted you here today to-- : '''Reddick:''' "Wanted?" Sounds like a command. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You get to ask, not order. : '''Black Knight:''' I'm sorry. Let me restate. I asked you here because I can now present some major developments in your quest. I finished construction on the nanite reactor and reassembled against all odds the original science team to run it. Doctors Meechum, systems expert. Salazar, artificial intelligence. Rylander, microengineering. And Van Kleiss, biomechanical integration. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Nanite's recorder locked in. Hologram Rylander saves money on meals. Glow, glow, glow, yipper. : ''[Van Kleiss smooches]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' A human flashlight and a brain-fried babbler. This is what I'm supposed to work with. : '''Vostok:''' Looks like your geniuses have some issues. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' ''[British accent]'' I seem to recall there were two other Salazars on the team. : '''Black Knight:''' They're dead-- And just as well. Considering their actions are responsible for our setbacks, I highly doubt they would have cooperated. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Black Pawns:''' Ohh! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Black Pawns got to talk to their costume designer. Way too stuffy. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Be quiet. : '''Six:''' Our target? : '''Roswell:''' ''[Southern accent]'' Little lady, I'm hoping you didn't get me out here just to watch some lab jockeys do their homework. : '''Vostok:''' I know I've got better things to do. : '''Black Knight:''' Aside from the all-important reassembly of the science team and activation of the nanite reactor, I do have another development to show you. : '''Roswell:''' Yeah? What else you got? : '''Black Knight:''' An acquisition. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' What's wrong with you? : '''Rex:''' Forget the Consortium! I know where we can find a Master-Control Nanite. : '''Six:''' Where? : '''Rex''': Here. : '''Six:''' We're doing both. You two get the nanite, I'll get the Consortium. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' On of the five? That's all? : '''Reddick:''' You know we need all of the Master-Control Nanites to do us any good. : '''Vostok:''' What about the two you lost? And the other two still out there? : '''Black Knight:''' We'll have the other four in due time. Take this back to the vault. But remember that each one has its own useful powers. : '''Roswell:''' Not enough to drag me all the way out there, little lady. : '''Black Knight:''' "Black Knight". : '''Black Pawns:''' You're not one of us. : '''Six:''' Stay clear of the Pawns. They're not buying our cover. Repeat-- Stay clear of the Pawns. : '''Rex:''' Steel door. A vault! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' That was close. : '''Rex:''' Got it. Have to be as stealthy as you from now on. : ''[Jungle Catsnarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Van Kleiss! : ''[Jungle Cat muffled grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Way not to be stealthy. Sorry, cat guy. I know you want payback for him turning you into stone and all, but the nanite is more important. : '''Black Pawns:''' Security alert. Intruder. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' You find the nanite. I'll be a diversion. <hr width80%> : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' She has shown us some progress. That one nanite is significant in itself. : '''Reddick:''' It's all five or nothing. Or are you thinking of working a separate deal with the one? : '''Vostok:''' Can we please not talk like this while those two are in the room? : '''Roswell:''' Yeah, Xanubian, put a sock in all your yammerin'. : '''Black Pawns:''' Another intruder at security zone three. It's Agent Six. : '''Rex:''' Gotcha. : '''Black Pawns:''' Unh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' I'll take that. Six! I've got the nanite! : '''Six:''' Meet your outside. : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' I've got it! Let's scat, cat! : '''Black Knight:''' If he's here-- So is Rex. Vault security, come in. : '''Reddick:''' Is there a problem? : '''Black Knight:''' A minor security issue. I'm taking care of it. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You better, little lady. : '''Rex:''' Well, mission half accomplished. : '''Six:''' This should complete it. : '''Rex:''' You planted a bomb?! : '''Six:''' Plan "B". : '''Rex:''' The cat! He's still inside! No!! We've got to go back for the cat! He's on his own mission. Van Kleiss is there. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Black Pawns:''' Black Knight, shouldn't we evacuate? : '''Black Knight:''' The security threat has been removed. Among other things. Track them, find them. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Interlace template, instal copper buffers, hold the mayo, set core temp, heat cold fries. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Remember me? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Someone let the cat in. : '''Jungle Cat:''' You cast me aside as if I was garbage. Turned me to stone. Drained me of life-- Almost. Now it's your turn to suffer. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Had a kitty once. Not you. Bubbles liked catnip and parsnips. Chapped lips. Hip, hip, hooray! : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're here to clean up, ask for directions, not Dr. Screwloose. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Meechum. Bro. He's here to put Van Kleiss out of the world's misery. Give me a reason why he shouldn't. : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Rylander:''' Because the world needs him right now, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander! How did you-- : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' You got it to work. : '''Rylander:''' I've looked better, I'll admit, but I'm still very much alive. And so happy to see you again. : '''Rex:''' If you could bring him back-- : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. It won't work for mom and dad. : '''Rex:''' So, you've come back-- But you're working for them! It seems crazy, I know, but look at our progress-- The nanite reactor is almost operational. : '''Rex:''' Not if I destroy it. : '''Black Knight:''' Surround them. : '''Caesar:''' Trust me, hermano, We're doing the right thing. : '''Rex:''' You keep saying that, but I don't believe it anymore! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Bubbles, I'm sorry. Here, kitty, kitty. Left you out in the rain, rain go away-- : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! Easy on the hot sauce, Peter, Peter pumpkin two seater. : '''Rylander:''' Tell him, Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Tell me what? : '''Six:''' Revenge time is up. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat roars]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Aah! Careful! Our work! Ugh! Take it outside! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. : '''Rex:''' I can't talk now! Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Thank you. : '''Rex:''' You're so not welcome. : '''Black Knight:''' You should have left when you had the chance. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You guys have such a great cafeteria. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Had to come back for more. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Unh! : '''Six:''' Unh! : ''[Black Knight grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Six:''' UNNNNNNNNH! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' Let's say adiós. : '''Six:''' There's still plan "B". : '''Rex:''' We're not assassins. : '''Six:''' You're not. This might be our one chance. : '''Rex:''' To be like them? Then what makes us different? : '''Six:''' Go. I'm right behind you. : '''Roswell:''' You brought us into an ambush! Right behind you, Mr. Chatterbox. : '''Vostok:''' You are cowards. : '''Reddick:''' Graveyards are full of dummies that thought they were though. : '''Vostok:''' Black Knight, we have a lot to discuss about your future. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, let's talk. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Where's Six? : '''Rex:''' He said he was right behind us. : '''Six:''' I am. The Consortium still has to be dealt with. : '''Rex:''' We now have three Master Control Nanites. I'd say the Consortium has to deal with us. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Purrfectly. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I'm shocked. What happened? : '''Black Knight:''' It seems Vostok had an unfortunate run-in with our intruders as he was leaving. But, there's good news. The reactor is gone. Soon we will have all the nanites we need. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' I think it's time we walked about my promotion. ===Convergence=== ===Enter the Nanite World=== ===Enemies Mine=== : '''Valve:''' Battle is to be waged between your courage and my power. You lose. : '''Gatlocke:''' Valve, my friend. Lovely day for a riot, don't you think? : '''Valve:''' What do you want, Gatlocke? : '''Gatlocke:''' I want lots of things-- A doomsday weapon, my own private island, for my mom to stop calling me to fix her computer. But what I really want is to give you a message. It's time. I suppose I'll make the introductions. : '''Valve:''' A biker needs no introduction. And everyone knows Hunter Cain. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Everything is going according to plan. We get one more thing. Then we get wrecked. : '''Rex:''' Sorry we're late. : '''Bobo:''' We're not late. We're fashionably early. : '''Providence Agent:''' I was starting to think I was on my own. I've been calling for help, but Providence hasn't answered. : '''Six:''' What set this off? : '''Providence Agent:''' No idea. One moment everything was fine. The next moment, complete chaos. : '''Rex:''' I'm heading in. I'll lock up when I'm done. Oh, don't bother getting up. I'm just gonna knock you back down again. : '''Bobo:''' Back in your cages, you filthy animals! : '''Rex:''' Huh? What? You? It's a who's-who of old EVOs. Whew! Really not in the mood for this. You're kidding me. You?! : '''Gatlocke:''' Three men, one objective, no rules. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Or is it just me? : '''Valve:''' The others are saying that Rex is here. Rex will get his when we're ready. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Watch yourselves. This one's unpredictable. We know what you want, No-Face. Then we can give it to you. Do what we say. Then you'll get Rex. You'll get the chance to tear Rex apart. Piece by piece. Now we're ready. : '''Rex:''' So you remember who I am. Surprised you have a big enough brain for that. These cells are pretty dull. Let's redecorate. No way I'm letting an EVO get won over on me. Especially a big old frog. : '''Gatlocke:''' Almost out. Freedom is just a... Bottomless ravine away. : '''Valve:''' The biker begs the question, how are we getting across? : '''Gatlocke:''' You know that's not really how begging the question is supposed to be used. Are we kidding? Anyone who gets worked up over that phrase needs to be savagely beaten. : '''Hunter Cain:''' This'll override the drawbridge system. : '''Gatlocke:''' Ooh, now how would someone like you procure something like that? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Friends and hide places. : '''Rex:''' Okay, frog legs. Let's put you in solitary confinement. : '''Bobo:''' Do you look like you got run over by an overstuffed garbage truck? : '''Rex:''' Feels like it. This is a prison riot. Where's Providence? They should be all over this. : '''Six:''' They never responded to any calls. : '''Rex:''' It's a setup. Providence wanted this to happen. But why? : '''Six:''' Six here. Go ahead. : '''Rex:''' Wait. This bridge wasn't down before. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. About that. Some of the prisoners escaped together. Gatlocke... : '''Rex:''' That's bad. : '''Bobo:''' Hunter Cain... : '''Rex:''' That's even worse! : '''Bobo:''' Valve. : '''Rex:''' That's... Really? Valve? : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. And No-Face. : '''Rex:''' Those four are loose? Together? : '''Six:''' We've got a bigger problem. : '''Rex:''' How can it be bigger than this? : '''Six:''' The EVOs in the city-- The only thing keeping them tame are their control collars. : '''Rex:''' And this is a problem because...? : '''Six:''' Because someone has shut them all down. : '''Rex:''' Let me get that for you. : '''Bobo:''' Dumpster dog. Considering you used to ride around in the Paris, I guess you're moving up in the world. Main to your mud. : '''Six:''' Are you injured? : '''Rex:''' Just worn out. Is this day over yet? : '''Bobo:''' Oh! Signs pointing no. : '''Rex:''' Huh? That came from the track. Can you handle things here? : '''Bobo:''' Only one way to find out. Valve. Those nanite superchargers you keep using are bad for your health. : '''Valve:''' If I were you, I'd be more concerned with your own short-term health. : '''Rex:''' Please, like I have anything to worry about from you. The other three, they're dangerous. You, you're just comedy relief. : '''Valve:''' I am not. Comedy relief. : '''Rex:''' Well, you're not funny, that's for sure. : '''Valve:''' Like the road that continues on, so must the biker. : '''Rex:''' Where did he go so? Ew! Get away from my tacos, cockroach! Huh? You running away? I'll give you this much, Valve. Maybe you're getting smarter. : '''No-Face:''' Unlike you. : '''Rex:''' I put you away once, No-Face. I'll do it again. : '''No-Face:''' The one who makes machines. The one we've been waiting for. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Figures you try to shoot a guy in the back. : '''Hunter Cain:''' All I see is a filthy EVO. : '''Rex:''' Okay, first off, that Lai is tired. Second off, last time I checked, you're teaming up with one. Would that make you an EVO lover? All this hide and seek is wearing me down! Huh? Figures. : '''Gatlocke:''' Leaving so soon? That's not going to impress the hiring committee. Now, let's see what we have here. "Honor roll, A/V Club." Ugh. "Glee Club." ''[Scoffs]'' I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're perfect for my gang. Can you sing soprano? My last soprano drove his motorcycle off a cliff. He survived, but his voice was never the same. By the way, can you fly? This is quite the surprise. I'm willing to hire you, Rex, but you better have some excellent references. : '''Rex:''' Back to prison, Gatlocke! : '''Gatlocke:''' Then consider the offer rescinded! You could be a valued member of my gang. It's a tough job market out there, you know? : '''Rex:''' I'd never work for you! : '''Gatlocke:''' No, not with that attitude, you wouldn't. Welcome to my gang. Your first task is to destroy Rex-- That guy right there. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' Your second task is to complete harassment training. I teach the class. This pamphlet explains everything. : '''Rex:''' No, no, no! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, come in. What's happening? : '''Rex:''' One really bad day. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Your nanite readings are off the charts. : '''Rex:''' No surprise. I've been fighting and curing EVOs non stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We need to upload your nanites immediately. : '''Rex:''' Now? Doc, my four worst enemies are still on the loose. Well, my three worst enemies in Valve. Plus the city's in chaos. And where in the world is Providence? How come they're not here dealing with this? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Six and Bobo can mop up the last few EVOs. You have to offload. : '''Rex:''' Okay, fine. But we better make it fast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll be locked in the chamber for one hour. : '''Rex:''' Just do it, Doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' This could be a long sixty minutes. : '''Valve:''' According to the tracking bug, Rex is inside. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Gentlemen, this is what we've been waiting for. It's time for Rex to die. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They followed him. : '''Gatlocke:''' After we kill Rex. We should work together and form a team call ourselves... Gatlocke and the kitty cats. : '''Valve:''' Silence your mouth or the biker will silence it for you. : '''Gatlocke:''' Oh, Valve. You can pretend to be angry, but deep down, you know you're a kitty cat. : '''Hunter Cain:''' They know we're here. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're quite feisty. Have you ever considered a career in the fast growing field of post apocalyptic gangs? : '''Valve:''' She has spirit. Valve the biker will see that spirit crushed. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're Gatlocke's favorite kitty cat. Hmm. Rrr. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Don't follow her. She's trying to lead us away from Rex. Rex is close-by. : '''Valve:''' Rex's chamber... Five minutes to spare. : '''Hunter Cain:''' More than enough time. : '''Gatlocke:''' I could have sworn that we'd agreed to take Rex out together. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I'm changing the terms of the deal if you have a problem with that, feel free to stand right where you are. I've waited a long time for this. Rex! : '''Valve:''' Empty? Or a trick of the mind? : '''Rex:''' Isn't that obvious? Then again, that tracking bug you stuck on me was obvious, too. And the fake countdown? Obvious. It only took me thirty minutes to upload my nanites. You wanted to run me ragged so you could get me. Instead, here you are all in one place. Gotcha! : '''Valve:''' UGHH! : '''Rex:''' UGHHHH! I still don't get why you enlisted Valve. I mean, he's really a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' Valve is the biker. A biker is dangerous. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. Yeah. No. : '''Valve:''' Rrrr! : '''Rex:''' So unpredictable. Like a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' AAAAH! : '''Gatlocke:''' I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that he's winning. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Then do something about it! : '''Gatlocke:''' Don't have to yell. A kind word will get you much further. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' UGHHH! Oh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ouch! My back! My front and my back! OHH! This is total, total agony! : ''[Gatlocke gasps]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' ''[Calmly]'' I'm okay. Really. I'm fine. : '''Hunter Cain:''' You're lucky. I'll give you that. But you're only delaying the inevitable. You can't beat us all! : '''Rex:''' I never intended to. This offload facility? I reprogrammed it. My surplus nanites aren't being stored. They're powering the shield. : '''Hunter Cain:''' It's a trap! : '''Rex:''' Have fun keeping each other company! : '''Bobo:''' What a day. : '''Rex:''' You know, none of this would have happened if Providence hadn't released the convicts and turned out all those EVOs. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They did that to keep you busy. : '''Rex:''' Keep me busy from what? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The Nanite Project. We just found out. While we dealt with the EVOs, Black Knight got her hands on another Master-Control Nanite. : '''Rex:''' Then it's time. ===Sinister Secrets=== ===Wounded Hearts=== ===One Step Ahead=== ===Breaking Point=== ===Behind Closed Doors=== ===Keeping Hope=== ===Trust=== ===Terror of the Black Knight=== ===Endgame, Part One=== : '''Rex:''' It was going to happen sooner or later. We had most of the pieces, so it was only a matter of time before the Black Knight made her move. And of all the chances she had to attack, it had to be tonight... at this very moment... while I was in the shower. Huh? How many? : '''Six:''' Should it matter? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can't you do any better than that? : '''Bobo:''' I thought you'd never ask. : '''Rex:''' Rah! Yah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' If they get to the Meta-Nanites, we still have options. : '''Rex:''' Of the self-destruct kind? No, thanks, Doc. It's not going to end that way... hopefully. : '''Black Knight:''' We'll dispense with the pleasantries. You know what we want. : '''Rex:''' There is no way you're walking out of here with the nanites. : '''Black Knight:''' You seem so certain. : '''Rex:''' We've beaten you before. Every single time, in fact. So, this time is different... How? Okay, that's different. Ugh! You're an EVO?! : '''Black Knight:''' Do you think you were the only one they experimented on back in the day? You were the guinea pig. Consider me the new-and-improved version. : '''Rex:''' Okay. Before we go any further, I should probably explain a few things. It started when a bunch of rich guys decided they wanted to live forever, so they got the best scientists in the world to figure out how. The answer was nanites. These microscopic machines would cure disease, end hunger, and pretty much make the world a better place. My parents and older brother were on the team, and so was this guy. Look familiar? Van Kleiss. Then one day there was an accident. To save my life, my parents injected me with nanites. It worked. But there were a few crazy side effects, like the fact I could talk to machines and, later on, build some pretty cool things. That got the rich guys thinking-- How far could we take this? Turns out pretty far. These little machines could control the very fabric of the Universe, but they would need a Master Control Nanite to program all the others and tell them what to do. Energy, gravity, time/space, elemental, mechanical-- All the things that make the Universe run. Combined together, they would pretty much make you a God. And when my brother and parents found out the Consortium was about to put these nanites inside themselves, they sort of freaked out in a "got to save the Earth" kind of way. Something had to be done to stop it. Turns out that meant blowing the whole thing up, better known as "The Nanite Event". That didn't end well for my parents. While everyone else ran away, my parents were trapped inside. Sill not sure how. There was some good news-- No more Master Control Nanites. And the bad news? Dangerous unprogrammed nanites got spread across the world, and nanites plus DNA equals EVO. My brother Caesar got caught in a time warp during his escape. Van Kleiss got blown to smithereens and became the world's biggest pain in the nanite. And me? I got amnesia and traveled the globe living the good life... At least, that's how I tell it. The only part I know of wasn't all that much to brag about. I did get some good friends and a few enemies out of the deal. Turns out that losing my memory was a regular thing for me. Last time I woke up and said, "Who Am I?" It was when this guy found me-- Agent Six. He worked for Providence, sort of a global police force created to clean up after the event. It was paid for mostly by the same group of goons that started the whole thing-- The Consortium. It was great for a while. I had my own personal doctor, a chimp sidekick, a cool best friend to hang with. I was a full-fledged hero. The world loved me, and my powers kept getting better and better. Van Kleiss was still a pain, but I managed to take care of him. A few times, actually. Then things started to get not so cool. My brother shows up from out of nowhere. I get thrown six months into the future to find White Knight kicked out of Providence and this lady in charge-- Black Knight. She's been the lapdog of the Consortium from day one, and now her bosses want to pick up where they left off. Most of the old team of scientists have been reunited, and together, they've restarted the nanite program. The Master Control Nanites were spread across the globe in the first explosion, and we've been racing against Providence to get them back. So far, we've been winning that fight, and that pretty much brings us to right now. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' The Black Pawns are robots?! : '''Black Knight:''' Total obedience at the flip of a switch. Can you blame me? : '''Black Pawn:''' What's so funny? : '''Six:''' I hold back against people. You're not people. : ''[Bobo Haha grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? Ugh! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! Hey! Take it easy, would you? Oh! : '''Rex:''' Fitzy?! : '''Feakins:''' Heh? Sorry, guy. They found me. She's hard to say "No" to... and live. : '''Black Knight:''' Well put, Mr. Feakins. And thanks to his unique ability, we can set aside our nanite enhancements and do this the old-fashioned way. : '''Rex:''' Come on. That's not fair. I'm unarmed! : '''Black Knight:''' Precisely. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Stop! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. : '''Rex:''' Listen to the crazy guy. : '''Black Knight:''' Why are you here, Van Kleiss? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I forgot. Oh, no, wait. I remember. He's got a Master Control Nanite swallowed up inside him. It's been hiding, the naughty thing. : '''Rex:''' On second thought, don't listen to him. He's, uh-- He's crazy, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' You're sure of this? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, yes, yes. Quite sure. Do you have any mints? : '''Black Knight:''' I want Rex at the lab. Restrain and sedate him. : '''Rex:''' How, hold on a minute. : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What about me? : '''Black Knight:''' I'm not taking any chances. He stays with Rex. Kill the others. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Ahh. : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Human. : '''Rex:''' What are you telling me? What do you want? : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I get it. How? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Caesar:''' Calm down, Rex. You're safe. : '''Rex:''' Safe?! Black Knight and her robo-troopers just came knocking, and Van crazy says I have a Master Control Nanite inside me! : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating, isn't it? All this time, it's been hiding undetected inside you. I wonder if this particular control unit is responsible for his unique nano-evolution. : '''Rex:''' Are any of you even listening to me? : '''Feakins:''' Boy, I am. It's like a movie but real! I just want to go start pressing buttons. Can I get another milkshake? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How exactly do you plan on getting it out of him? : '''Black Knight:''' I have a suggestion. Tear it out. : '''Rylander:''' It would kill him. : '''Black Knight:''' That's none of my concern. : '''Caesar:''' The nanite is tied to his DNA. Simply pulling it out of him would ruin the nanite. : '''Rex:''' And me, too, remember? : '''Caesar:''' The only way this will work is if we put him in the cyclotron with the other Metas. It should extract automatically during the reassembly. : '''Black Knight:''' And if it doesn't? : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Good question. : '''Rex:''' Here's another one-- Don't I get a say in this? Like, isn't this the exact thing that our parents died trying to stop? : '''Black Knight:''' Take him to the hub and prepare for the transfer. The Consortium is here and extremely impatient. I want this finished within the hour. : '''Feakins:''' Aah! Hey, what am I-- Sandpaper? Not so rough! ''[sputtering]'' Rough. : '''Rex:''' Glad someone can see the humor in this. : '''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, see that Rex is well taken care of. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' I hope you know what you're doing, Salazar. This is a huge risk we're taking. : '''Rylander:''' Listen to Peter. The thing we swore to stop at any cost, the thing that took your parents-- It could happen-- Right here, today. : '''Caesar:''' It can't, and it won't. You'll have to trust me on this. : '''Rylander:''' You can only say that so many times, Caesar. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We've been waiting almost an hour. Not even refreshments? : '''Black Knight:''' You can have your snack after we become Gods. : '''Roswell:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' That's right-- "We." None of this would be possible without my efforts. : '''Roswell:''' And our money, sister. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, have your contempt. There's plenty of room buried next to the Russian if you'd like to keep him company. That's what I thought. Now, if you'll follow me-- : '''Bobo:''' "Kill the others." Not gonna happen, lady. We're bulletproof. Ow! Hangnail. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! We know where they took him. Why are we here? We need to go get Rex. : '''Six:''' I agree. We just don't have the resources, Rebecca. We'd need an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've been known to make the impossible happen, Six. How hard could that be? : '''Six:''' Six here. Copy that. We just got ourselves an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You see? : '''Van Kleiss:''' That will be all. : '''Feakins:''' But the lady said-- Good luck, Kid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' These restraints were made for you. You're very special, you know. : '''Rex:''' Lucky me. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss... leave us. : '''Rex:''' I really hate you. : '''Caesar:'''I know how this looks, Rex. : '''Rex:''' But what? I just have to trust you? Is that what you were going to say? Just help me-- Please. : '''Caesar:''' It may not seem like it, but I am. : '''Rex:''' Caesar... I'm scared. : '''Caesar:''' So am I, little brother. This will all be over in a few minutes. : '''Rex:''' It's already over! When I get out of this, I never want to see you again! : '''Rylander:''' Commencing countdown. : '''Roswell:''' WHOO-HOO! : '''Reddick:''' Payback time! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' This won't be entirely unpleasant. It should feel similar to when you offload surplus nanites. : '''Rex:''' Stop! You can't do this! You can't merge! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Something's wrong. : '''Rylander:''' Of course something's wrong. The kid is fighting it. : '''Caesar:''' This could be bad. : '''Rylander:''' You have to tell him, Caesar. : '''Caesar:''' Rex, you have to stop. Listen to me. The nanites are supposed to do-- Rex? Can you hear me? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Actually, he can't. There's a short in the comm relay. : '''Van Kleiss:''' This would be a wonderful day for a picnic. : '''Rex:''' RA-A-A-A-A-A-H! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' So much for that plan. : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, serves you right. All that and you come out of the oven looking like freaks. Nice job! : '''Black Knight:''' It's not exactly what we were expecting, but it's a start. : '''Reddick:''' This isn't what we agreed to. : '''Roswell:''' Where's the rest of our power? This is all messed up! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How can this be possible? : '''Rylander:''' The Meta-Nanites were dispersed between the five. This is quite a surprise. : '''Caesar:''' We've got to get Rex out of there. Step aside, Van Kleiss. : '''Van Kleiss:''' They still don't have what they want... and neither do you. : '''Black Knight:''' You're angry. I can see that. If you want to take it out on anyone, it should be Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I think I can agree to that. : '''Roswell:''' Count me in! This might actually be fun! : '''Rex:''' Let's think about this for a second. Whoa! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' How 'bout that? Exactly one second. Whoa! Aah! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What a perfect way to learn to use our powers-- Tearing this brat apart. : '''Rex:''' Only one problem with that, sparky. I've been using my powers a whole lot longer-- And I'm pretty good. : '''Roswell:''' You got any ideas here, missy, or we gonna stand around and get it handed to us? : '''Black Knight:''' The Meta-Nanites were designed to work together. So will we. : '''Rex:''' What? Are you gonna join together to make a robo-mutant? : '''Black Knight:''' That's exactly what we're going to do. : '''Rex:''' I need to stop giving them ideas. Huh? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' No one the help you-- No family, no friends, nothing. It's a terrible way to go. : '''White Knight:''' Captain Calan, target the base. All weapons, sire. : '''Providence Agent:''' Fire control reports they're being jammed, sir. : '''White Knight:''' Only one salvo. Black Knight must have prepared for this. : ''[Rex groans softly]'' : '''Rex:''' Big giant robot. Black Knight. : '''Six:''' We know. : '''Rex:''' Have to... stay and stop them. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Another time, Rex. : '''Rex:''' I-I-- : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to White Knight. We have Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We're just gonna watch them go?! : '''Black Knight:''' Let Providence have their weapon back. With our combined power, the world is ours. ===Endgame, Part Two=== :'''Black Knight:''' Science has given us a tremendous gift-- Nanites. We've seen what they can do-- The good and the bad. But they're true potential has been largely unseen. Until now. Our goals are varied. Fame... power... revenge... wealth... order. Yet, one thing unites us-- Greed. You're surprised I admit it? Well, don't be. You'll never get far in life without wanting it all. And for those who might consider standing in our way... We'll let our powers speak for themselves. The world is ours. And no one can stop us. :''[Roswell laughs]'' :'''Roswell:''' This is more fun than my first rodeo. What else you got? :'''Six:''' Any change? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's sleeping. The nanites in him are making repairs. That's a good thing. He's a tough kid, Six. :'''Six:''' I know. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' See you next time. Judging by what you fed us for lunch, I'm guessing twenty minutes. Can't even go to the little scientists' room without them breathing down our necks. How long are we going to put up with this? :'''Caesar:''' I know it's not easy working under these circumstances. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Do you? I don't hear you complaining, or have you even noticed that we're prisoniers? :'''Rylander:''' Gentlemen, please. Can we focus on a more important problem? The Consortium's gain of power is a troubling outcome. Something should be done. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're talking about stopping them, I'm listening. :'''Black Knight:''' I want you all in the boardroom in three minutes. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' The world is being taken over by nanite-fueled ex-c.e.o. Psychos, and they still act like they're running a business. :'''Roswell:''' You nerds gave us a raw deal. I want a do-over. :'''Caesar''': A do-over? :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What my colleague means to say is that our powers are remarkable to be sure, but we only have one seventh of what we were promised. :'''Rylander:''' You're asking a lot. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You're asking the impossible. You'd be lucky to survive the extraction. :'''Caesar:''' This is true. You may be powerful, but you're not Rex. :'''Black Knight:''' I share your disappointment, gentlemen. But are you willing to lose everything for this? :'''Roswell:''' Go big or go home. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, what do you have to say? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Easy-peasy. I can do it. It's only a matter of correctly calibrating the bio-filters with the homing frequency of the nanites. By the way, have you seen my socks? :'''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss-- :'''Black Knight:''' Has an assignment. The rest of you... Stay out of trouble. :'''Rex:''' You started without me. :'''Six:''' Glad to see you up and around. Something bothering you? :'''Rex:''' Besides black knight taking over the world? I'm trying to find my friends. I know Providence took them. :'''Six:''' We're working on that. :'''Rex:''' And are we doing anything about the Consortium? What about... The robot? The one I can build. Don't play dumb, Six. :'''Six:''' Come with me. :'''Rex:''' That's me? No way! All this time, I could have been making myself into that thing? Ohh! Maybe not. :'''Six:''' Evidence suggest that you've never been able to control it. It's a weapon of last defense. This was filmed on the day that I found you. It was also the day I made a promise that it would be the last time you ever built this machine. :''[Rex scoffs]'' :'''Rex:''' Or what, you'd kill me? You plan on keeping that promise? :'''Six:''' Rex, you have to know something. We believe this is the type of thing that ends in you losing your memory. :'''Rex:''' Well, it happened to you, and you turned out just fine. :'''Six:''' I only lost six years. Six years is all you have. You would lose everything. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you need to think about the consequences of some of your options. :'''Noah:''' It feels weird hanging out when the world is under attack. I don't know if I should be fighting back or out in the wilderness setting up a survival compound. :'''Rex:''' If you had the power to stop all this, but it meant losing everything, would you do it, Noah? :'''Noah:''' I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to make that kind of decision. I guess that's why you're the hero. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' I wish I could get some kind of sign. Anything. Hmm. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Red and yellow, red and yellow. One false move can kill a fellow. :''[Van Kleiss laughs]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' He's got local control. We're locked out. I still don't even know how this is possible. :'''Rylander:''' I've been looking at the data projections. As crazy as Van Kleiss is, his theory is sound. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Sorry to disturb your sleepy sleep. There might be a slight delay. :'''Black Knight:''' Why? :'''Van Kleiss:''' We have a visitor. Should I set out tea? :'''Rex:''' Hey, in there! Come on out! :'''Black Knight:''' Back for more? Happy to accommodate. :'''Rex:''' I should warn you. It's going to get ugly. :'''Black Knight:''' One would think you would have learned the last time. I can feel you resisting me. Stop. :'''Roswell:''' Why is it you get to call all the shots? :'''Black Knight:''' Because I'm the one who has the power to join us. Help me defeat Rex, and you can call all the shots you like. :'''Rex:''' Hyah! :''[Rex babbling]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Six:''' It's a weapon of last defense. It's happened. :'''Noah:''' That's Rex? :'''White Knight:''' I'm going to assume you're seeing what I'm seeing. :'''Six:''' White-- :'''White Knight:''' Before you say anything, Six-- Whatever agreement we may have had regarding this situation no longer applies. Am I clear? :'''Six:''' Understood. :'''Dr. Holiday''': What was that all about? :'''Six:''' A second chance. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, we have to do something. :'''Six:''' I've seen it before. We're too late. :''[Rex coughing]'' :'''Rex:''' Donde esta mi zapato? :'''Noah:''' Rex! Hold on! :'''Rex:''' What? What happened? :'''Bobo:''' You blew up, kid. :'''Six:''' Do you know who we are? :'''Rex:''' I... I do! Oh-ho! I remember! Ow! Ow! I wish I could forget this pain in my... The Consortium! :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' This is utter nonsense. I refuse to be led around like a show dog. :'''Reddick:''' You can always go back outside and take it up with Providence. :'''Black Knight:''' Guard the door. Nothing gets by you. :'''Six:''' They're robots. :'''Rex:''' Oh! Right! That part I forgot. :'''Bobo:''' Next time, leave some for the rest of us, huh? :'''Rylander:''' I'll stay here and guard the equipment. :''[Rylander laughs]'' :'''Caesar:''' Little brother, they've had this place completely locked down. I've been trying to reach you. :'''Bobo:''' What he said. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Yeah, you deserved that. :'''Rex:''' Open it. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' We can't. Still completely locked out of the system. Besides, you can't interrupt once the cycle has started. :'''Rex:''' Well, then, un-start it! :'''Black Knight:''' You cleaned up for the occasion. How thoughtful of you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, this isn't for you. You didn't actually believe that I'd let the five of you have all this power. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I thought you were working for us? :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Rex:''' You see that? I knew it! He's not crazy! Okay... oh! He's crazy, but just his usual crazy. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, I am not amused. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I don't imagine you would be. This was always my intention, even in the very beginning. It's a pity your parents caught me trying to activate the sequence for myself. And, of course, there's the "broken" hatch. The world would be a much better place if they had just left well enough alone. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Black Knight, do something. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, you have made a huge mistake. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, then, let the fun begin. :''[Black Knight groans]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You can't overload that relay from a subdirectory. You have to get a root. It's impossible from here. :'''Caesar:''' You're a very negative person, Peter Meechum. :''[Dr. Meechum groans]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'll try from the main terminal in the lab. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, wait! That's not necessary. :'''Rex:''' I'm not waiting around, hermano. :'''Caesar:''' No. That's not what I mean. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I can see it. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Huh? No. :''[Van Kleiss groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's incredible something so small could have so much [[w:Omnipotence|power]]. That thing could rip apart the very fabric of the universe. :'''Rex:''' It's still a nanite. I'm gonna talk to it. :'''Caesar:''' No. It's okay. :''[The fully complete Meta Nanite comes to Rex, as if it were waiting for him, whose eyes and body glow with a pale blue cosmic aura.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, listen to me. The Meta-Nanite-- It could never work in anyone but you. Now in its pure state. Mom and dad, we programmed them that way from the very beginning. All of this... It's meant for you. :'''Six:''' What are you saying? :'''Caesar:''' Right now, Rex is [[Omnipotence|the most powerful being in the universe]]. :'''Bobo:''' You hear that, Kid? Don't let it get to your head. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, doc. This is pretty trippy. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. :'''Black Knight:''' You're a [[God]], Rex. You can do anything you want. :'''Six:''' You know what to do. :'''Rex:''' You're right, Six. So are the rest of you. I can do anything I want. Maybe it's time for a revolution. Isn't that what you five wanted? A revolution? Well, welcome to it. :'''Noah:''' Is he gonna be like this from now on? :'''Rylander:''' Uh... People. He's inside the nanite reactor. :'''Dr. Holiday and Caesar:''' Inside? :'''Rex:''' Okay, little guys. I need you to do something for me. :'''Black Knight:''' Follow me, quickly. :'''Reddick:''' I'm through following you. We trusted you everything, and look what we got. :'''Black Knight:''' We may still be able to retain some of our abilities, but only if you follow me. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Are you seeing this? :'''Rylander:''' Tehnically, I don't have eyes, but yes. :'''Providence Agent:''' Reports are coming in. EVO's all over the world are spontaneously curing. :'''Six:''' Not spontaneous. :'''Caesar:''' He must have programmed all the nanites in the reactor to initiate a worldwide cure event. :'''Black Knight:''' What is your next directive? :'''Rex:''' I don't want anyone using you again. Ever. And that includes me. Deactivate. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I think it's over. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I think you're right. :'''Caesar:''' I wanted to tell you, brother. So much was at stake. :'''Rex:''' We're good. And we'll always be brothers. :'''Diane Ferrah:''' Across the world, not an EVO to be found. After more than six years, it appears we've awoken from the nightmare. :'''White Knight:''' The EVOs may be gone, but we still have nanites. :'''Rex:''' Leave it to you to spoil all the fun, White Knight. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There are some people here to see you, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? :'''Skwydd:''' Eh, I guess I should start going by Walter again. :''[Rex runs to Circe and the two lovers share a close hug, happy to be together at last]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... Are you...? :'''Circe:''' I'm okay. Normal, but okay. I think you may have put yourself out of a job. :'''Skywdd:''' Yeah. What are you gonna do? Go to school? :'''Rylander:''' It was nice having the team back together. You know, we should find a new project. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You kidding? I'd rather have root canal with a rake. Worst experience of my life. :'''Caesar:''' Do you want to hear about some of my new ideas or not? :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'm listening. :'''Rex:''' Finally. :'''Six:''' Need anything? :'''Rex:''' Nope. I'm good. There's always going to be something, isn't there? :'''Six:''' Yes, there is. ==Characters== ===Main=== *Rex Salazar (Daryl Sabara) *Six *White Knight *Bobo Haha ===Supporting=== *Circe (Tara Sands) *Tuck (Dante Bosco) *Skwydd *Cricket *Beverley Holiday *Caesar Salazar *Five *Tres *IV ===Villains=== *Van Kleiss *The Pack *Gatlocke *Hunter Cain *Quarry *Black Knight *The Consortium ===Couples=== *Dr. Rebecca Holiday & Six *Rex & Circe *Noah Nixon & Claire Bowman ==Elements== ===Rex's Machines "Builds"=== *Big Fat Sword *Buzz Saw *Punk Busters *Boogie Pack *Cannon *Smack Hands ===Rex's Other Abilities=== *Technopathy *Data Manipulation *Technological Manipulation *E.V.O. Curing *Breach Detection *Electronic Disruption ===Omega Nanite-Powered Builds=== *Blast Caster *Funchucks *Bad Axes *Block Party *Sky Slider *Water Jet ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1636691/ Generator Rex] at [[Internet Movie Database]] * [http://generatorrexpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Generator_Rex Generator Rex] at Wikia {{Authority control}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Teen animated TV shows]] ebuztuqwij9i8v6rbaxwt8pyuuwpdd8 0 130175 3944363 3942602 2026-05-23T05:33:39Z JosefAbraham 270881 /* Substack Newsletter - A tornado during sunshine week? Anything is possible in Trump's DC (May 12, 2026) */ Correcting the title 3944363 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Heather Brooke May 12.jpg|thumb|Heather Brooke in 2012]] '''[[wikipedia:Heather Brooke|Heather Rose Brooke]]''' (born [[1970]]) is a British-American journalist and [[w:freedom of information|freedom of information]] campaigner. The author of ''Your Right to Know'', ''The Silent State'', ''Assange Agnosties'' and ''The Revolution Will Be Digitised'', Brooke was a 2010 winner of the Washington Coalition for Open Government "Key Award". Also known as the pioneer who forced the British Parliament to answer to its own freedom of information laws. == Quotes == === ''Your Right to Know: A Citizen's Guide to the Freedom of Information Act'', 2nd Edition === * As the saying goes - the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance. Politicians have taken advantage of our indifference by imposing ever more draconian and restrictive laws that increase their power while diminishing ours. Asking questions of our public bodies is the best way to ensure they are working for our interests and not those of politicians. Through FOI we can go behind political rhetoric to see the true state of affairs. ** p. 4. * The success of any freedom of information regime depends on two main factors: A tightly drawn law with a clear statement of intent that makes clear statement of intent that makes clear a presumption of openness, and a bold regulator who is tough and not afraid to exert his authority and challenge government interests. ** p. 4-5. * The cost of making government more responsive to the people who fund it and in whose name it exists should not be attributed solely to FOI, but even if it is, surely that is a cost worth bearing? Making government transparent and accountable to the public directly increases the efficiency of the public sector more than any number of government regulators or watchdogs. ** p. 5. * '''Getting information is only the beginning. Transparency in government must be accompanied by the public's right to be heard and to influence government policy. The first objective is to get the facts, for without facts we are powerless to oppose government decisions or bring about change. The next step is to open up the decision-making process so we finally have a government accountable to those it serves. This should be our right and not a privilege.''' ** p. 8. * You should not expect politicians to promote freedom of information. Why should they? They have a vested interest in controlling the public's access to information and thereby maintaining their grip on power. ** p. 285. * Politicians may initially find it difficult to accept new standards of public accountability, but we must make the costs of not doing so even greater. The best way to do this is by publicly embarrassing and shaming those officials and departments who refuse to answer to the public. ** p. 286. * Maybe you would prefer not to be bothered with how the government is run. If that's the case then you have no right to complain when your taxes are raised, or if your children's education is substandard, or you have to wait a year for a vital operation. Good government does not happen by itself but is the result of individual effort. One of the easiest and most effective things you can do is simply to ask for information. I hope I've given you the tools and confidence to do exactly that. ** p. 286. === ''The Silent State: Secrets, Surveillance and the Myth of British Democracy'', 1st Edition === * In secrecy, bureaucracies grow large, ungainly and unaccountable to those they are meant to serve. When there is no fierce spotlight of public accountability shining, there is no pressure to ensure systems are streamlined or even working. What you find throughout any bureaucracy protected by secrecy is a cesspit of illogic and waste. And because the state keeps rebranding, shifting responsibility from one set of bureaucrats to another, most of the work being done is for the purpose of keeping other bureaucrats in employment rather than satisfying the needs of the public. ** p. 35. * In the public sphere, perception is reality: it's more important to be seen to do something than actually to do it. At least when private companies use PR and advertising they must spend their own money and there are other corporations vying for our business. If a company doesn't give us what we want they face bankruptcy. Public institutions, however, are monopolies. We have no choice but to buy, if not use, their services. If we don't like the way our particular police force operates it's not like we can choose another one or even withhold the money used to run the one we don't like. We're forced - under threat of imprisonment - to pay for a monopoly service and for it to tell us how great it is. This is the real danger of institutional PR. In the absence of competition it is only through a diversity of opinion and public scrutiny that some level of accountability can exist. PR stifles debate and suppresses opinion through the use of centralized press offices and communication protocols. ** p. 45-46. * Bureaucracy is the business of controlling other humans, making them do what you want them to do. That may be acceptable if what you are asking them to do is reasonable, rational and for the common good, but more likely what bureaucrats ask is treasonable, nonsensical and counterproductive to the public good. This is because the primary business of a bureaucrat, left unchecked, is creating more bureaucracy to further his or her own prestige and power. The result is that rules are in place serving no function but to keep bureaucrats in work and to expand their bureaucratic fiefdom. Before you know it you can't even hold a village fete without filling out more than fifteen different forms from various arms of the government. ** p. 92-93. * There are three main things the public need to know about courts:<br> # Who is using them # For what purpose (e.g. the case detail) # The result We need to know these things to ensure justice is being done, to understand the laws under which we live and to make best use of the finite resources that fund the judicial system. If the courts are becoming the preserve of the rich, corrupt or brutal, then we need to know as we are footing the bill. ** p. 150-151. * Once the right of the people to see justice being done is eroded, it is not long before there is no justice at all. ** p. 185 === ''The Revolution Will Be Digitised: Dispatches From the Information War'', 1st Edition === * We are at an extraordinary moment in human history: never before has the possibility of true democracy been so close to realisation. At the cost of publishing and duplication has dropped to near zero, a truly free press, and a truly informed public, becomes a reality. A new Information Enlightment is dawning where knowledge flows freely, beyond national boundaries. Technology is breaking down traditional social barriers of status, class, power, wealth and geography, replacing them with an ethos of collaboration and transparency. In this new Enlightenment it isn't just scientific truths that are the goal, but discovering truths about the way we live, about politics and power. ** p. ix. * Citizens around the world have long declared a desire to be trusted with the formation of their own opinions, and that can only come when they have access to the facts. This is the essence of the information war. Do we trust citizens to communicate freely and come to their own conclusions, or do we believe those in authority have a right to restrict and manipulate what we know? Do we hold to Enlightenment ideals of reason and the pursuit of truth no matter where that takes us, or put our faith in authority to make certain an uncertain world? ** p. x. * The Internet is powerful because it allows people to organise around issues at unprecedented speed, broadcast their thoughts and challenge those in charge. A wave of such groups banded together in early 2011 to demand the removal of authoritarian leaders in the Middle East as one country after another rose up with varying degrees of success. But the Internet doesn't cause revolution. It is a communications network. What people choose to do with technology - that is where we can make moral judgements. Some people will use it for ill, others for good. Security forces tend to focus on the ills, while the majority use it for good. In the name of protecting us from 'bad things on the Internet' there are increasing moves to suppress communications networks in both repressive and democratic countries. Demands to shut down, censor, filter or in other ways oversee and control the way people communicate are on the rise. ** p. xi. * At a time of information overload, good journalists are more important then ever. They serve as the public's hired guns to collect information from various sources and challenge it for the purpose of distilling down what is important and true. They-signpost issues that are worthy of our attention. In the past when we bought newspapers we were paying for that particular newspaper with its content- a bundle of news and entertainment. In the digital age we're buying the carriage (e.g. the Internet access) and readers decide later what information they want to view over that carrier. ** p. 70. * Being a professional journalist is rather like training to be a lawyer. There's a certain amount you can learn in school but largely it is a vocation learned through practice, with scepticism being a primary attribute. ** p. 70. * The powerful have historically tried to impose their will through mechanisms of enforced ignorance such as censorship, secrecy, threats, physical intimidation and violence. This model is difficult to sustain in a networked world based on Enlightenment values. This is not to say that Western democracies have abandoned these heavy-handed tactics, but more often the methods have shifted to more sophisticated ways of maintaining power such as media management, public relations and legal intimidation. In the midst of all this information and misinformation how can we filter out what is important and true? ** p. 72. * When a politician claims for example that 'crime is down' since he implemented a certain policy, it is the professional investigative journalist who knows the raw data on which this statement is based (criminal incident reports) and who asks for verification. He or she can then go to other sources to question the veracity of the data. '''The reason I specialise in the intricate details of bureaucracy isn't because I have a passion for paper-pushers, but rather because I need to know all the types of information collected, by whom and where they are stored so I can get my hands on them.''' A statement isn't a fact. Even '''when the person making the statement is an authority he or she still needs to provide evidence or proof that what they say is the truth and a professional journalist should be asking for this proof and supplying it for public scrutiny. All this accumulating of statements, data and information which then has to be verified takes time. But this is the only thing a journalist does that marks him out as a professional.''' It's the only reason anyone would choose a well-known newspaper's website over an unknown blog. The newspaper as a brand has built up, over time, a reputation for challenging the powerful and giving people meaningful, true information. '''The press is not like any other business and what it sells shouldn't just be rehashed press releases or celebrity gossip, but the civic information necessary for people to understand their society and participate in it. It is a check on political and financial power, or at least it should be.''' ** p. 72-73 * Leaks have happened before. They are not new. But the industrial scale of leaking made possible through the digitisation of information and the ability to communicate instantly across the globe - that ''is'' new. If it is to be revolutionary, however, we need a model for a new type of politics. ** p. 226. * Free speech is not the great danger for humanity. Concentration of power is. We learn this lesson over and over again, and yet seem compelled eternally to repeat it. Communism, colonialism, monarchy, state socialism, tyranny- all become enemies of the people because they offer their citizens not too many opportunities to communicate or associate, but too few. Power is the dynamic force that fuels politics and it is this, not speech, which needs to be constantly monitored, controlled and checked. We view crimes against humanity as aberrations, individuals gone wild, when we should be seeing them through the prism of power. Abuse happens when a culture values some people more than others and those exercising power are not accountable for their actions. ** p. 230. * Authoritarians offer citizens a deal: if we hand over our freedom, they will guarantee certainty and safety. This might have been possible in a closed society with little interaction between people, but it is a false promise in a knowledge economy where citizens are interconnected. If the best chaos theorists can't model the weather beyond a week, how does the National Security Agency think it can predict which of us will turn into a terrorist? If our intelligence agencies persist in monopolising knowledge we will see continued intelligence failures. ** p. 236. * Over the past year I've thought a lot about censorship, surveillance and regulation of the Internet. Is it necessary? Is it really so dangerous to allow individuals an ability to associate and communicate freely? Certainly there exists a criminal minority who take advantage of the freedom of the Internet, but no one is arguing that crimes shouldn't be prosecuted. This is about allowing the vast majority of people to communicate without state intervention. Despite all the dire warnings, the prophesies of doom and destruction that were foretold by the Pentagon, the US State Department, Hosni Mubarak, even English High Court Judge Eady, I look at the fallout from all that was published in 2010, all the breaches to establishment power that occurred through a networked citizenry- and the good clearly outweighs the bad. From the uprising in Iceland to the ousting of dictators in the Middle East, free speech has fundamentally changed the world for the good. ** p. 236. * Why, then, are the world's governments intent on controlling and regulating the Internet? Free speech is most threatening to authoritarian systems such as autocracies, militaries, the police and security services. '''Security services in principle exist for our protection but that is so only when they are accountable to the public for their considerable power.''' We are seeing a push by these agencies to move beyond the rule of law, to be accountable to no one but themselves. '''National security is becoming the new word of God to which all must submit in blind obedience.''' The decisions made, the liberties eroded, the crimes committed in the name of national security cannot be challenged because the information on which they are based remains secret. ** pp. 236-237. * We seek a saviour, someone to rescue us from the problems of the world. A saviour is the simple story, the easy option and that is why it is so compelling. You don't have to ''do'' anything except believe. There's no need to negotiate with other people, or figure out how to create a robust system within the bizarre and contradictory parameters of human nature. I must admit I fell prey to this when I first met Julian Assange. He was going to lead the way to a bold new age. Instead I learned that power when concentrated is dangerous no matter who holds it or for whatever good intention. The real revolution happens in our own minds, when we stop believing there is someone or some agency who has all the answers, who is infallible and will save us, and instead come to realise we have that ability within ourselves. We may be susceptible to cults of personality, but we can build a check against this into our political systems. ** pp. 237-238. * The world may be more complex and uncertain than we would like, but giving away our freedom for the false promises of protection is not a sustainable solution. We are defined not just by what we preach, but by what we practice. We cannot claim to be an enlightened democratic society if we live in breach of these values, without the rule of law, without reason, or the rigorous commitment to truth. ** p. 238. * We now have a technology that unites individuals in such a way that we can create the first global democracy. Hundreds of millions of people are climbing out of poverty and the Internet gives them access to the sort of information that was previously accessible only to elite scholars. They can join a worldwide conversation and come together in infinite permutations to check power anywhere it concentrates. The greatest achievement isn't in producing technology, but using it to re-define the boundaries of what is possible. ** pp. 238-239. === TED Global 2012: My Battle to Expose Government Corruption; June 26, 2012 === <small>'''[https://www.ted.com/talks/heather_brooke_my_battle_to_expose_government_corruption/transcript?language=en Transcript with video]'''</small> * The secret documents that I was interested in were located in this building, the British Parliament, and the data that I wanted to get my hands on were the expense receipts of members of Parliament. I thought this was a basic question to ask in a democracy. (Applause) It wasn't like I was asking for the code to a nuclear bunker, or anything like that, but the amount of resistance I got from this Freedom of Information request, you would have thought I'd asked something like this. * I fought for about five years doing this, and it was one of many hundreds of requests that I made, not -- I didn't -- Hey, look, I didn't set out, honestly, to revolutionize the British Parliament. That was not my intention. I was just making these requests as part of research for my first book. But it ended up in this very long, protracted legal battle and there I was after five years fighting against Parliament in front of three of Britain's most eminent High Court judges waiting for their ruling about whether or not Parliament had to release this data. And I've got to tell you, I wasn't that hopeful, because I'd seen the establishment. I thought, it always sticks together. I am out of luck. Well, guess what? I won. Hooray. * The transparency law they'd passed earlier that applied to everybody else, they tried to keep it so it didn't apply to them. What they hadn't counted on was digitization, because that meant that all those paper receipts had been scanned in electronically, and it was very easy for somebody to just copy that entire database, put it on a disk, and then just saunter outside of Parliament, which they did, and then they shopped that disk to the highest bidder, which was the Daily Telegraph, and then, you all remember, there was weeks and weeks of revelations, everything from porn movies and bath plugs and new kitchens and mortgages that had never been paid off. The end result was six ministers resigned, the first speaker of the house in 300 years was forced to resign, a new government was elected on a mandate of transparency, 120 MPs stepped down at that election, and so far, four MPs and two lords have done jail time for fraud. So, thank you. * I tell you that story because it wasn't unique to Britain. It was an example of a culture clash that's happening all over the world between bewigged and bestockinged officials who think that they can rule over us without very much prying from the public, and then suddenly confronted with a public who is no longer content with that arrangement, and not only not content with it, now, more often, armed with official data itself. So we are moving to this democratization of information, and I've been in this field for quite a while. * What I've seen from being in this access to information field for so long is that it used to be quite a niche interest, and it's gone mainstream. Everybody, increasingly, around the world, wants to know about what people in power are doing. They want a say in decisions that are made in their name and with their money. It's this democratization of information that I think is an information enlightenment, and it has many of the same principles of the first Enlightenment. It's about searching for the truth, not because somebody says it's true, "because I say so." No, it's about trying to find the truth based on what you can see and what can be tested. That, in the first Enlightenment, led to questions about the right of kings, the divine right of kings to rule over people, or that women should be subordinate to men, or that the Church was the official word of God. * I've mentioned WikiLeaks, because surely what could be more open than publishing all the material? Because that is what Julian Assange did. He wasn't content with the way the newspapers published it to be safe and legal. He threw it all out there. That did end up with vulnerable people in Afghanistan being exposed. It also meant that the Belarussian dictator was given a handy list of all the pro-democracy campaigners in that country who had spoken to the U.S. government. Is that radical openness? I say it's not, because for me, what it means, it doesn't mean abdicating power, responsibility, accountability, it's actually being a partner with power. It's about sharing responsibility, sharing accountability. Also, the fact that he threatened to sue me because I got a leak of his leaks, I thought that showed a remarkable sort of inconsistency in ideology, to be honest, as well. * The other thing is that power is incredibly seductive, and you must have two real qualities, I think, when you come to the table, when you're dealing with power, talking about power, because of its seductive capacity. You've got to have skepticism and humility. Skepticism, because you must always be challenging. I want to see why do you -- you just say so? That's not good enough. I want to see the evidence behind why that's so. And humility because we are all human. We all make mistakes. And if you don't have skepticism and humility, then it's a really short journey to go from reformer to autocrat, and I think you only have to read "Animal Farm" to get that message about how power corrupts people. * So what is the solution? It is, I believe, to embody within the rule of law rights to information. At the moment our rights are incredibly weak. In a lot of countries, we have Official Secrets Acts, including in Britain here. We have an Official Secrets Act with no public interest test. So that means it's a crime, people are punished, quite severely in a lot of cases, for publishing or giving away official information. Now wouldn't it be amazing, and really, this is what I want all of you to think about, if we had an Official Disclosure Act where officials were punished if they were found to have suppressed or hidden information that was in the public interest? * Some fairy tales have happy endings. Some don't. I think we've all read the Grimms' fairy tales, which are, indeed, very grim. But the world isn't a fairy tale, and it could be more brutal than we want to acknowledge. Equally, it could be better than we've been led to believe, but either way, we have to start seeing it exactly as it is, with all of its problems, because it's only by seeing it with all of its problems that we'll be able to fix them and live in a world in which we can all be happily ever after. == Official Substack Newsletters == === First Substack Newsletter - What is Power? (November 2, 2022) === * If you ask people, ‘Do you want power?’ most will likely cringe. Especially women. That’s because our cultural view of power is conflated with domination, abuse, oppression. Unless you are a psychopath, you probably aren’t keen to meet this out on your fellow beings. Hence empathetic, caring people will shy away from taking positions of power. But actually this turning away from power is itself an abuse of power. * The definition of power as domination is just one of many and not even the most popular or powerful form of power. In fact, that version of power is WEAK POWER. Weak because it is fragile, easily defeated, and requires constant effort to maintain usually in the form of propaganda, lies and violence. This is because weak power can’t inspire or persuade. It has no vision. It is not true power. * There are other types of power, too. There is the power to create and grow. The power to influence outcomes and make changes. There is, as Brene Brown puts it, power to, power with, and power within. Power is relational and changing. Sometimes you might be in a situation where you hold power and in another where you don’t. Some power is deserved because you earned it and some is not because you came by it only through privilege. Power is not inherently bad or good. Power can be used to support, protect, defend and sustain life. Or it can be used to exploit, oppress, abuse and destroy life. * When people with good intentions don't own and take power, it becomes the preserve of the heartless, ruthless, greedy, narcissistic, psychopaths. That’s why not using power can be just as bad as using it badly. * Weak power has no vision for a world where beings are free and flourishing. It cannot conceive of a world based on pleasure, diversity and abundance, though that was life on our planet until very recently. * Real power is the ability to imagine something better, something different and act to bring that vision to life. That’s what I want for all people. Not that we crave weak power. But that we ARE power. By our actions and our choices we re-make the world in such a way that Life and Nature are sacred once again. === Substack Newsletter - Protesting and what it means for democracy (April 2, 2024) === * Protesting is one of our most important democratic rights. It ensures the most fair and efficient running of a country because it allows new ideas to be raised, criticisms to be vented. If you suppress all protest, societal discontent builds like a pressure cooker. Sooner or later, it’s going to blow, and in that chaos, all sorts of bad actors can try and gain power. That’s the real importance of protest. It means something for both a society and for an individual. It gives us agency when so often we can feel powerless. It is such a worthwhile thing to come together and petition for reform. In too many countries, it’s a privilege, but it should be our human right. === Substack Newsletter - Protesting and what it means for democracy (July 22, 2024) === * It’s action, not beliefs, that matter most. Thinking is great. Thinking leads to action, but too often thinking can hijack our higher wisdom. The wisdom of the human heart. Too often we discount cruel or unjust actions because of beliefs. If an action is immoral but we want to do it anyway, or someone else wants us to do it, justifications are made. Beliefs are created about the lesser value of others. * Does bullying feel right in your heart? Threatening people with violence? How about actual killing? Our hearts know what is right, and what is morally wrong. It’s the mind that plays tricks. It’s the mind that - without training, and given superiority over heart - leads us to do the things that make us feel small, corrupted, fearful and tight in our own skin. Propaganda exists to help us override our heart wisdom. The lies others tell us and the lies we tell ourselves can be used to justify the worst cruelty and harm. * Violence is a moral crime not just against others but against one’s own heart. And we can only commit such crimes when we let our minds override the voice of our soul. === Substack Newsletter - Fascism: a disease born of male insecurity (November 1, 2024) === * With its idolising of stony-faced ‘strong men’, its fantasies of domination and control, fascism is the ideology of the insecure man. A man who feels - at base - unworthy, unwanted and powerless. * Instead of real power - the power someone has when they know they are worthy, wanted and have what it takes to handle life - the insecure man seeks domination. He doesn’t feel worthy or wanted or that people will want to be with him on his own merits, so he sees manipulation and violence as the only way to be in relationship to others. He doesn’t feel he has what it takes to deal with life, so he seeks control. * The oppression of women is key in fascism because insecure men don’t feel they have what it takes to attract and maintain a relationship with a woman. They believe the only way to get a woman is through manipulation or force. Why would a free woman with choices and resources, choose them? In their mind, they wouldn’t, so their solution is to take away freedom, choice and resources from women. This is also the driving insecurity of patriarchy, which is a form of fascism. * Followers of fascism also have their own ‘daddy issues’. Are they drawn to an authoritarian father figure, as replacement for their own? The fascist leader granting a simulacrum of love, acceptance and belonging to men who feel cast out from the fatherly fraternity. === Substack Newsletter - Alienation in America (November 15, 2024) === * What I see now when I visit America is the juxtaposition of wild nature and sterile humanity. People boxing themselves away - in houses, cars, offices. * They say everything is bigger in America but when you’re barreling along a 10-lane highway with massive trucks on either side of you and an aggressive SUV shoving your rear, it’s hard not to feel insignificant in a hostile universe. The only sensible solution seems to be to supersize yourself so you don’t get run over. It’s as if insignificance was the design brief for so much of American architecture and infrastructure. It ignores the reality of human size, let alone vulnerability, preferring an egoic delusion that humans are separate and superior to nature. But this feeling of insignificance leads to an insatiable hunger. For a bigger vehicle, a bigger house, more money, more guns - anything to feel more secure, and that security never materializes. * A brutal work culture adds to the feeling, pushing people toward transience. Jobs have primary importance not just for a necessary salary but to get health insurance. * I would feel homesick for Federal Way, Washington where I grew up. A city both exuberant with nature but also nature’s destruction: virgin forests giving way to freeways, streams filled in to build strip malls, dams destroying ancient salmon spawning grounds. === Substack Newsletter - Pick your poison: moral purity or power? (November 22, 2024) === * To solve our current dependence on fossil fuels is a complex problem that demands communication and cooperation. Taking binary stands and publicly shaming people, doesn’t seem a good way to solve this problem. * Two things signal to me when a group is more interested in self-righteousness than making actual policy: Picking on allies and name calling. * This moral superiority reveals something important. This group isn’t dealing with reality, which is nuanced and interdependent, but with absolutes. And they aren’t interested in compromise or solutions, but moral purity. Their idea of moral purity. You can share the same overall goal - be that an end to fossil fuels, sexism, racism, capitalism, you name it - but these groups demand fealty to their language and their specific interpretation of the problem. They aren’t interested in any views other than their own. You know what that sounds like? Totalitarianism. === Substack Newsletter - Happiness takes work (November 29, 2024) === * I used to be suspicious of happiness. It’s not that I yearned to be unhappy, but too often the quest for happiness was, to my mind, tied up with delusional thinking. It involved putting on blinkers, so the darker, sadder, more disturbing aspects of reality were blanked out. I’ve always had a ravenous curiosity for truth. I want to understand life and get to its essence, so putting on blinkers was not for me. * As a newspaper reporter, I covered crime, then politics then investigations. None could be described as abundant with happiness. Yet I didn’t feel unhappy reporting on these realities. They were truths that needed to be told. '''Truth needs to be told regardless of how it makes people feel, and more often than not it makes people feel bad before it makes them feel good. It’s crucial to get through that initial pain, because only by doing so, and seeing reality as it is, can we learn and change.''' * One of the big breakthroughs came when I started gardening. Nature is always the best teacher. It IS the universe. It IS life/death/rebirth. Trees fall, plants die, but all the time they’re also being reborn. I can’t help but notice the universe has provided all the conditions for life not just to survive but to thrive. === Substack Newsletter - On being seen (December 17, 2024) === * In elementary school, I loved Show and Tell. I loved to hunt around my house for an object I could bring to school with a story. It’s not hard to see why I was drawn to journalism - being a reporter is the grown-up version of Show and Tell. I also loved to show off and perform bike and roller-skating stunts. Yet somewhere along the way I lost the joy of being seen. Instead, starting in my teenage years, the desire came coupled with shame, dread, anxiety, embarrassment, even outright mortification. I don’t think I’m unusual in this, especially among women. * The need to be seen is fundamental to all humans. In healthy development, a child gets appropriate amounts of attention and recognition, which leads to a secure sense of self worth. If we are also accepted in our fullness then we’ve hit the developmental jackpot and become superbly well-adjusted adults. But many of us didn’t get that level of attention, attunement or acceptance. In my own case, I was left with a hunger and yearning to be known and valued. * Suddenly other people thought me admirable and important. When they did, I felt good. But also nervous because what if they suddenly changed their mind? I could see other famous people fall from the public’s favour, admiration turning to envy or hatred. People wrote admiring letters to me, but I couldn’t take it in because I thought ‘they don’t really know me’. They only knew the version of me I put on display - that of the tough tenacious reporter, battling for the people’s right to know. They didn’t know my aching emptiness, my deep hunger to be known. I learned that being seen is not the same as being known. Outsourcing my self-worth to total strangers, I realised, was not a good idea. * What to do? In therapy there’s a saying that ‘the way through is in’. Instead of avoiding pain, go through it. My investigative mindset liked this and so I decided to investigate myself. I started therapy and also began writing more creatively. It’s how I wrote as a child until shame cloaked my ability to be seen. * '''Why do women go around feeling so embarrassed of ourselves? Why do we wind up feeling we have to be perfect, or pure, pretty or agreeable just to gain a modicum of acceptance? I think it’s because that’s actually the fact of being a woman in a patriarchal society.''' * So shame can help protect us, but it can also become a prison. It precludes change. As long as we remain invisible, as long as we dim our light, or hide behind a persona, we curtail our ability to be truly known by others and form meaningful connections. === Substack Newsletter - Water water everywhere and not a (free) drop to drink (April 7, 2025) === * Flying from Gatwick Airport recently, I noticed the absolute dearth of water fountains. I found just one in the terminal and it was hiding in a bathroom. If there are more, they’re not easily located. It’s only slightly better at Heathrow unless you happen to be a member of a private lounge (which since British Airways changed their loyalty program I no longer am). The single best way to avoid plastic pollution is for people to use their own water bottles and plenty of people had them. There were many of us hunting around the airport for a place to fill them. Why the lack? We live in a wet country where water is plentiful. When I go to America there are (and have been for decades) fountains everywhere. Yet most British airports have a distinct lack of water fountains. * On tropical beaches from Ghana to the Caribbean and Indonesia, the most common detritus I’ve seen is the plastic water bottle. We in the West really have no excuse to continue to buy water in plastic bottles when it is a readily available resource. It’s how we know most eco-preservation chat is rhetoric rather than reality. What matters most is money not nature. Pure greed. We all fall prey to this - preferring to pay over the odds to each buy our own bottle of water from a private company rather than agreeing to collectively pay for a water fountain. === Substack Newsletter - What is your rocket fuel? (June 20, 2025) === * I was being seen, yes, but fame is outsourcing your own worth onto strangers. It doesn’t solve the root problem of feeling unworthy or unloved. Nor does it do anything to heal the pain from such a feeling. Fame, money, power - they promise, or give the illusion of, being the solution to life’s pains, but in reality they are hollow. At best, they offer short-term, superficial relief from pain, but at worst they isolate a person so thoroughly they became incapable of happiness or living a meaningful life. * Look at anyone who uses money, fame or power to fill their inner voids, and you’ll see someone in a clear addiction cycle. They can’t live without their next fix. The next headline, the next million, the next power grab. === Substack Newsletter - What makes a good airport? (July 26, 2025) === * First, what makes a bad airport: Too few seats and a dearth of facilities apart from the inevitable duty free that you always find, no matter how dire the airport, snaking for miles, standing between airport security and your departure gates like an obstacle course that reeks of perfume. I hate these modern duty free shops that have come to infest all modern airports. Why is that? Are they all run by the same company and has that company got a monopoly on all the world’s airports? Or our airport managers so lacking in imagination they can’t imagine an airport without this mecca to materialism? If an alien came down to earth what would they make of the human race with our seeming obsession with alcohol, cigarettes, chocolate from the same multinational companies, cosmetics and perfume? The only good thing in them is the one shelf spotlighting local delicacies, but these are always massively overpriced and you can get much better quality and variety in the town itself. === Substack Newsletter - Why do we think death is unnatural? (September 30, 2025) === * Writing - at least for me - requires quiet, stability, stillness. Some might say boredom. How to write about life when you’re too busy living it? Life fills my cup and then I need time and space to distill what’s in the cup into its essence. The challenge is to live a full, adventurous life while also finding time and space to write about it. If there’s no time or space to reflect, then what I write is just hot takes and first impressions. That’s the sort of writing I did as a reporter, but here I want to make broader sense of what I’ve experienced. Boil all those experiences of being alive into some kind of meaning. * When death is not witnessed in its physical reality, it lives only in our imagination. I think this is one reason we fear death so much more in the West than in cultures where dead bodies are an everyday part of life. When we can see the physical dimension of death, its mystery is lessened. We can see that in death there is also a lot of peace. When death exists only in our imagination or in crime drama re-creations, it is limitless and frightening. === Substack Newsletter - A tornado during sunshine week? Anything is possible in Trump's DC (May 1, 2026) === * No matter the time or place, those in power have a tendency toward keeping people in the dark. Secrecy remains one of the main ways of maintaining power over others. The conference celebrated the 60th anniversary of the U.S. Freedom of Information Act but there was a more international flavour than usual with speakers from England (myself and the UK’s Deputy Information Commissioner), Mexico and Ghana. * There’s an impression that Trump is the most transparent US President ever. He is, in some regards, letting in the press to places and events where they’ve been excluded, saying so much out loud that is usually unspoken. Whether that kind of transparency is beneficial is questionable. Do we really need every passing grudge and brain fart to be broadcast to the world at large? That isn’t transparency, it’s lack of thought and emotional control. What counts as transparency in accountability terms is the ability to know in detail what public officials do in our name and with our money. On that score, Trump is no better (and in many cases worse) than any other secrecy-loving politician. Reporters have been kicked out of Trump’s press conferences, had their credentials stripped, or harassed simply for asking the sort of tough questions any good political reporter ought to be asking. Around his financial dealings there is almost no transparency and the suspicion grows that he is using a public office for private enrichment of himself, his family and his cronies. Details around actual policy-making and lobbying are hard to come by as well. His administration is trying to change public records laws to alter the national archives and remove information that might show his regime in anything other than a flattering light. * Americans are nothing if not hopeful. Sometimes that can sway into delusion and naivity, but the people who I heard from at the conference were aware and angry. What they had no time for was cynicism which allows for passivity. They saw the problems and they wanted to fix them. This is something the UK could have a bit more of. === Substack Newsletter - Why Protest? === * Where protests do make powerful changes is in the hearts and minds of the participants themselves. Over and over, researchers find profound effects on those who join protest movements and social movements more broadly. They are often a gateway drug between casual participation and lifelong activism. * Our thoughts are formed through our social world and the opportunities we have in that world to act. Our actions and experiences are what form and change our beliefs, often without us even noticing. * Protests change the scope of our political imagination. They show there might be other ways to live. They make what seemed impossible, possible; they give words to what was previously wordless, and they show that you are not alone. Going on a protest is a new action that provides a new experience, a new social network and the chance to learn new skills. Most importantly a ‘good’ protest helps people feel their own agency. That is, feel their own power and that what they do has meaning. All this gives people strength and resilience to do the tough work of facing reality and trying to make it better. * Not that we need get rid of debate and discourse (after all, why be a writer if you don’t believe argument matters?), but I now see the point of organising even small political actions. Taking such actions together can be joyful, compelling, and change the way people think about the world, far more than an abstract debate. So if you want to change people’s minds, the best advice is to think about how you can change their lives. What new experiences and actions can you bring into their world? == Attributed == === In the Media === * It is scrutiny by the general public that keeps the powerful honest. ** [http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/features/the-lives-of-others-heather-brookes-new-book-opens-up-further-fronts-in-the-war-to-set-information-free-1939295.html "The lives of others: Heather Brooke's new book opens up further fronts in the war to set information free"] ''The Independent'' (9 April 2010). * By making everything secure [governments] have degraded the quality of secrecy. ** Quoted by Richard Waters [http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/9098a06a-9c1c-11df-a7a4-00144feab49a.html#axzz45lPGQfQg "Online leaks: A digital deluge"] ''Financial Times'' (30 July 2010). * Journalists are, or ought to be, the public's hired guns sent out to collect information, question it, verify it and distil it to what is important and true. This takes time and skill, and is the only thing a journalist does that marks him or her out as a professional. It's also the reason why anyone would choose well-known newspaper's website over an unknown blog. ** [http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/wire/8235 "Harold Evans, Guido Fawkes, Heather Brookes and Bild on journalism and the public interest"] ''Press Gazette'' (27 September 2011). * '''The survival of journalism in the digital age rests on its unique selling point: serving this public interest. Fail or forget to do that, and it has no future.''' ** [http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/wire/8235 "Harold Evans, Guido Fawkes, Heather Brookes and Bild on journalism and the public interest"] ''Press Gazette'' (27 September 2011). * If you believe the promise that an authoritarian state makes that if it has enough knowledge on every citizen it will keep people safe. I think that’s a false promise. It doesn’t actually happen. If that was the case then East Germany would be a really incredible place to live and in fact it wasn’t, it was really horrible, most of these places were really horrible. ** Interview with Dina Rickman [http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/08/17/heather-brooke-data-deali_n_928985.html "Heather Brooke: Data Dealing Is A Bigger Scandal Than Phone Hacking"], ''The Huffington Post'' (17 August 2011). * I’m talking of the revolutionary quality of digitization. And I say it’s revolutionary because once information is no longer a bunch of box files or papers in a filing cabinet but just bits that fly through the air, it means that it’s so hard for people in power to control it. And it’s always been true that knowledge is power. And so once it becomes very difficult for people in power to keep hold of information it means that it becomes very hard for them to keep hold of power, because power just flows out. The default now is zero cost for information to spread instantly around the globe. And in fact you have to pay money to stop it now. That’s incredibly disruptive and revolutionary. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * The first thing is that you’re always at a disadvantage, because a bureaucracy is funded by the public to have permanent people there who can relentlessly advocate for their own interest. And that’s the problem: when bureaucracy stops working for the public interest. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * What’s really important is to have systemic changes. By that I mean, for example, putting into law that people have a right to access official information. Once freedom of information becomes part of the bureaucracy, the bureaucrats who are freedom of information officials have a vested interest in making sure that that law is there and that it actually works, because it kind of justifies their existence. One thing is to institutionalize rights to know. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * There doesn’t seem to be any law that’s there to protect the citizens from massive State surveillance. We have to collectively come up with some fundamental values around people’s right to privacy, the right to be left alone from government, and rights to free speech. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * We’ve come up with ways to judge the quality of a product. The thing is that we’re just getting used to the idea that information is a product, and we have to come up with criteria on which to judge which information is worth paying attention to and taking seriously and which isn’t. So we have to think: is this information new? Is it relevant? Is it trustworthy? Can I verify it? Who’s the source? If you’re a journalist you’re used to doing this as your job, but that’s going to become increasingly necessary for people online, because they just get hit with so much information, and if they don’t want to just sit there, manipulated by all different kinds of propaganda, they have to start getting tooled up on how to be a savvy information consumer. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * The problem with WikiLeaks is that it’s been taken over by Julian Assange, and that is directly opposed to what the whole movement is meant to be about: decentralized power, collaboration, equality and transparency. Under Julian Assange, WikiLeaks has become exactly the opposite of all of these things: it’s become totally centralized, it’s become a hierarchy, it’s not transparent. And it’s not collaborative, but incredibly divisive in the transparency community, because anybody who dares to challenge or criticize Julian comes under severe fire from him. A person who’s meant to be a leader of a movement, which is what he claims to be, you’re meant to be about building and accruing allies, rather than going into the movement and being divisive. But that’s exactly what he’s been. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * The movement of radical transparency and accountability is not about putting a new person in charge, it’s about getting rid of the whole idea of hierarchal politics. It’s about decentralizing power. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * A lack of government oversight hasn't hindered the internet. Quite the opposite. A hands-off approach is largely responsible for its fantastic growth and success. The tremendous innovation and economic boon produced by the free internet should be proof enough that the dead hand of government isn't needed. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * This is the information war we are now engaged in. Governments are seeking to militarise cyberspace while citizens fight for the right to communicate and assemble freely online without state surveillance. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * We need to codify our values and build consensus around what we want from a free society and a free internet. We need to put into law protections for our privacy and our right to speak and assemble. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * To be successful, a campaign to maintain the free internet and freedom of information has to go beyond vandal hackers. Stunts designed not to provoke dialogue or persuade the public of the rightness of the cause but simply to throw up a middle finger to authority are more hindrance than help. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"], ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * The public pay for and elect the government and it is only by the people’s will that those in public office hold power. Public servants’ primary responsibility is to serve the people and we have a right to know what they are doing in our name and with our money. Public accountability does not end the day after an election. ** Maurice Neill [http://www.newsletter.co.uk/community/columnists/maurice-neill-upholding-our-right-to-accountability-1-3856967 "Upholding our right to accountability"] Newsletter (UK) (18 May 2012). * Transparency is seen as the antidote to corruption because secrecy is, if not its cause, then at least a necessary precondition. This is especially so for corruption involving private enrichment from public goods. Transparency is a power-reducing mechanism so it matters whose affairs are made transparent and for what purpose. * Transparency can help citizens hold the powerful to account; but it can also be used by the powerful to control citizens by making their lives transparent through surveillance. For transparency to be just, it must always be considered in relationship to power. * Transparency helps ensure that power is not abused or used to make the powerful, or their immediate families, rich. There is also a genuine public interest in ensuring that the people who make laws and levy tax are following those laws and paying their fair share of tax. * This is the problem with the argument that if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear: it ignores the issue of power. If we are not careful, transparency can be used to increase, rather than reduce, the information asymmetry between ruler and ruled. * Transparency strengthens democracy only when it gives citizens information they can use. It is not just about politicians telling us what they want us to know. For it to mean anything, it must empower citizens and provide answers to the questions they ask, not merely spoon feed them meagre information rations. ** [http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/7ba47200-015c-11e6-99cb-83242733f755.html#axzz45lPGQfQg "Transparency thwarts the abuse of power to enrich the powerful"] ''Financial Times'' (13 April 2016). * I get it. It is always easier to go after the person raising a problem than to deal with the problem itself, especially if that problem is systemic. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/comment/columnists/article/judiciary-should-be-listening-to-women-not-harrying-them-c8blr3hg7?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAabZaWYQHtNee5ieJQlhSjSYAKbRUFDhe_qZVnePWSVRsL1PeUdp3qaUmXM_aem_4L7Th3zQX2zjkfRqTS7juA "Judiciary should be listening to women, not harrying them"] ''The Times'' (16 December 2024). * One of the things that struck me most noticeably when moving to the UK from the US in 1997 was the secrecy of the state toward its citizens. Having worked as a crime reporter in America, I discovered that most of the public records and information I used to do my job were actually illegal to access in the UK. I found the secrecy wasn’t unique to law enforcement but rather a default attitude among officials. It didn’t matter if I were asking for details of food hygiene inspections, parliamentary expenses or police reports, the attitude was the same. A kind of disbelief and then a patronising disdain, by which I was meant to understand that it was not my “place” as a mere citizen — or subject as I learnt was the UK term — to ask for a full accounting from agents of the state. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/ive-fought-the-uk-secret-state-for-decades-afghan-scandal-is-no-surprise-vdfn3qhn3?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAacesvyuuMIgDCyI-SSpbSQ57P_f_ksBFEzjjmKJlzDlrHChsPoIE4nQI3BYPA_aem_pxbcOmVdASUlcpe6MOJRXw "I’ve fought the secret state for decades. Afghan scandal is no surprise"] ''The Times'' (20 July 2025). * I was putting together a book, Your Right to Know, about people’s new rights under the Freedom of Information Act (FOI) 2000 that was coming into force in 2005. I thought it would be a game-changer for British democracy and I wanted to include contact details for the new FOI units in public agencies. I was used to naming public officials. In America it was no big deal; anonymity was only used if there was a valid reason. But you would have thought I’d asked for nuclear codes such was the shock and pushback I received to this simple request. The idea of providing actual names was anathema and I began to wonder who was the master here, and who the servant. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/ive-fought-the-uk-secret-state-for-decades-afghan-scandal-is-no-surprise-vdfn3qhn3?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAacesvyuuMIgDCyI-SSpbSQ57P_f_ksBFEzjjmKJlzDlrHChsPoIE4nQI3BYPA_aem_pxbcOmVdASUlcpe6MOJRXw "I’ve fought the secret state for decades. Afghan scandal is no surprise"] ''The Times'' (20 July 2025). * Secrecy, in the hands of the powerful, is too easy a tool to abuse. The distance from protection to cover-up is short, and a tool initially intended to help can quickly morph into causing harm. That’s why it should never be a default for anyone in power, but rather an exception. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/ive-fought-the-uk-secret-state-for-decades-afghan-scandal-is-no-surprise-vdfn3qhn3?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAacesvyuuMIgDCyI-SSpbSQ57P_f_ksBFEzjjmKJlzDlrHChsPoIE4nQI3BYPA_aem_pxbcOmVdASUlcpe6MOJRXw "I’ve fought the secret state for decades. Afghan scandal is no surprise"] ''The Times'' (20 July 2025). === Chatham House Talk (September 28, 2011) === <small>'''[http://www.chathamhouse.org/sites/default/files/public/Meetings/Meeting%20Transcripts/280911brooke.pdf Transcript]'''</small> * What I call the ‘information war’, where through the control of information our society is being radically transformed. * The point about digitization, just to explain what I mean by that, is the way that information is no longer a physical commodity. It doesn't have a mass like it used to. So it used to be that if you wanted to leak a bunch of documents, you physically had to carry away these huge boxes of documents and then you had to physically photocopy them somehow. And they had this physical mass, and it was through that mass that they could be controlled by people in power. When information is digitized, it loses that mass for the most part. It becomes almost ephemeral, it's like an idea; it's like a thought. And it spreads and it can be shared almost instantaneously. So you can take that, and then you combine it with the internet, which is this web in which everybody is talking to each other and sharing information. And you've got the makings of what I think is a digital revolution, which nobody quite knows how to handle it, what to do with it. * In the same way that in freedom of information around the world, the onus is always… the balance is always on disclosure and the state has to argue why it keeps things secret. But the problem always is in enforcement and who enforces it. And it becomes particularly problematic in the intelligence agencies. Because there you've got this argument of national security and what is happening is that national security is becoming the new word of God, where you can't challenge it. You can't challenge the facts behind why we go to war or why have we put people in prison or why have we occupied a country. And that's where I do kind of think that we need to push the line further. * '''I want to put paid to this idea that if you've nothing to fear, you've nothing to hide.''' I interviewed a really interesting guy in this book. He ran the data campaign for the Obama election, when Obama was being elected. And what they do is they just harvest huge troves of databases. And they're doing it for the basis of trying to predict who might vote for Obama in the election. And he just took me through this whole data business – data brokerage, data dealing. And he showed me this 10,000... well, it was a 464 page dictionary, a data dictionary, with 10,000 data units in it. So that's for every person, it's 10,000 things that you could find out about that person. Their political association, if they drink Coke or Diet Coke, what sort of magazines do they subscribe to, have they ever had any court cases against them. It's just like a raft of stuff. The problem is, is how these things are used. It's fine if somebody wants to sell you some products, but increasingly states are accessing all this information. And they're building algorithms to try and predict criminals. … It's pretty well-known that the National Security Agency in America is building algorithms and it's taking all of these datasets and basically trying to predict who is going to be a problem for us in future. And to me that just seems an incredibly dangerous road for us to go down, that you’re no longer innocent until proven guilty. We’re starting to imagine or predict who is going to be a problem. * I think with all technology, people have an idea of how it will be used, but then it has a life of its own and people use it in all kinds of ways. In the same way with Facebook. I doubt when people first created Facebook they imagined it was going to help people in Egypt overthrow a dictator. So it does have a life of its own that we can’t predict. * I’m very much a free market capitalist, actually. I don’t agree with a kind of totalitarian, one government or sort of universal law. I think what will happen and what is happening now is, in the same way as… In the way that countries make themselves attractive to investors through different pieces of legislation they offer, whether it’s secrecy in the case of the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, I think the fact that some countries now are offering very robust publishing laws, it will be that as information is global, what you might see is that these big internet companies like Google or Facebook, that have their servers, will start to relocate those servers to countries where they have less interference. In a way, you’re creating a kind of free market of freedom of information law. * The main thing, if there is a power that the media has, it’s mostly because they represent the public in quite a direct relationship. They’re very populist in the sense that they are meant to be the public’s hired goons who go out, find information, collate it all, verify whether or not it’s true, and then signpost to the citizens that this is worth reading. And they make it in such a way that it’s interesting to read. So they are kind of spokespeople for the people. And in an interconnected age, they are definitely quicker to realize the way power has shifted. You find most journalists now are on all these social networks. They’re all about creating… they want a direct relationship with their audience, in a way that politicians have been very loathe to do. * You find most journalists now are on all these social networks. They’re all about creating… they want a direct relationship with their audience, in a way that politicians have been very loathe to do. They don’t want to come down to the masses. They still want to be in that fortress, in that ivory tower where they can lecture down to people. They haven’t really adapted to this two-way communication. * What I say in the book is that rather than it being the death of journalism, this whole deluge of information, it to me marks a time when journalism can really come into its own, because as we’re drowning in information, the whole point of a journalist is to signpost what’s important and then to verify whether or not it’s true. === ''We Steal Secrets'' 2013 Movie === <small>'''[http://wikileaks.org/IMG/html/gibney-transcript.html Transcript by WikiLeaks]'''</small> * This is where we get into the information war - that speculative blood became more important than the actual blood. We already can see all that terrible stuff – we know about that. Let's focus on your nightmares, how all these people might die because the government's secrets have been unleashed. * It was that whole Wizard of Oz moment. We all look at these politicians – oh wow, they're so powerful - and then it was the little dog pulling the curtain away. * The American government said: 'You can't publish this, it's dangerous, it's going to damage world affairs, diplomacy, etc, and then you publish it anyway and it's for the greater good, telling people what they needed to know. === ''The British State is Addicted to Secrecy - We Need to Fight Back'' === <small>'''[https://democracyforsale.substack.com/p/why-the-british-government-is-addicted-to-secrecy-freedom-of-information Column in "Democracy for Sale" 29 November 2025 Substack]'''</small> * Knowing how public money is spent by public officials seemed the bare minimum for a functioning democracy. * FOI [Freedom of Information] is the democratic canary in the coal mine. When official information flows freely, it signals that power is shared. When it’s withheld or delayed, it signals the opposite: power concentrated in the few, with the public treated as a nuisance - or a threat. * A reset is needed. FOI should clearly extend to lobbying and to private companies doing public work or taking public money. The Royal Family’s absolute exemption - slipped in after the Black Spider Memos ruling - should be repealed. Enforcement must be strengthened with the power to fine persistent offenders, as with data protection. And outdated secrecy laws, including aspects of contempt of court, need serious reform. * Too many officials still see the public as something to control, not citizens to inform. And this matters. When establishment institutions refuse to listen or explain, they create a vacuum that opportunistic populists are eager to fill. People may not like the solutions these actors offer, but they do like being heard. * When people cannot see how decisions are made - or how money is spent, or whether justice is being done - resentment grows. In good times, it simmers; in hard times, it explodes. Transparency diffuses that pressure. It gives power back to citizens and deprives populists of the darkness in which they thrive. * Even when transparency reveals uncomfortable truths, it is still the better path. Problems don’t disappear when buried - they deepen. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://heatherbrooke.org Official website] * [https://heatherbrooke.substack.com/ Substack newsletters] {{DEFAULTSORT:Brooke, Heather}} [[Category:1970 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from Pennsylvania]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Women activists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] 6uv75eo0ak1wymmgp8znmzd5j6qd18t 3944364 3944363 2026-05-23T05:34:10Z JosefAbraham 270881 /* Substack Newsletter - Why Protest? */ Adding date. 3944364 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Heather Brooke May 12.jpg|thumb|Heather Brooke in 2012]] '''[[wikipedia:Heather Brooke|Heather Rose Brooke]]''' (born [[1970]]) is a British-American journalist and [[w:freedom of information|freedom of information]] campaigner. The author of ''Your Right to Know'', ''The Silent State'', ''Assange Agnosties'' and ''The Revolution Will Be Digitised'', Brooke was a 2010 winner of the Washington Coalition for Open Government "Key Award". Also known as the pioneer who forced the British Parliament to answer to its own freedom of information laws. == Quotes == === ''Your Right to Know: A Citizen's Guide to the Freedom of Information Act'', 2nd Edition === * As the saying goes - the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance. Politicians have taken advantage of our indifference by imposing ever more draconian and restrictive laws that increase their power while diminishing ours. Asking questions of our public bodies is the best way to ensure they are working for our interests and not those of politicians. Through FOI we can go behind political rhetoric to see the true state of affairs. ** p. 4. * The success of any freedom of information regime depends on two main factors: A tightly drawn law with a clear statement of intent that makes clear statement of intent that makes clear a presumption of openness, and a bold regulator who is tough and not afraid to exert his authority and challenge government interests. ** p. 4-5. * The cost of making government more responsive to the people who fund it and in whose name it exists should not be attributed solely to FOI, but even if it is, surely that is a cost worth bearing? Making government transparent and accountable to the public directly increases the efficiency of the public sector more than any number of government regulators or watchdogs. ** p. 5. * '''Getting information is only the beginning. Transparency in government must be accompanied by the public's right to be heard and to influence government policy. The first objective is to get the facts, for without facts we are powerless to oppose government decisions or bring about change. The next step is to open up the decision-making process so we finally have a government accountable to those it serves. This should be our right and not a privilege.''' ** p. 8. * You should not expect politicians to promote freedom of information. Why should they? They have a vested interest in controlling the public's access to information and thereby maintaining their grip on power. ** p. 285. * Politicians may initially find it difficult to accept new standards of public accountability, but we must make the costs of not doing so even greater. The best way to do this is by publicly embarrassing and shaming those officials and departments who refuse to answer to the public. ** p. 286. * Maybe you would prefer not to be bothered with how the government is run. If that's the case then you have no right to complain when your taxes are raised, or if your children's education is substandard, or you have to wait a year for a vital operation. Good government does not happen by itself but is the result of individual effort. One of the easiest and most effective things you can do is simply to ask for information. I hope I've given you the tools and confidence to do exactly that. ** p. 286. === ''The Silent State: Secrets, Surveillance and the Myth of British Democracy'', 1st Edition === * In secrecy, bureaucracies grow large, ungainly and unaccountable to those they are meant to serve. When there is no fierce spotlight of public accountability shining, there is no pressure to ensure systems are streamlined or even working. What you find throughout any bureaucracy protected by secrecy is a cesspit of illogic and waste. And because the state keeps rebranding, shifting responsibility from one set of bureaucrats to another, most of the work being done is for the purpose of keeping other bureaucrats in employment rather than satisfying the needs of the public. ** p. 35. * In the public sphere, perception is reality: it's more important to be seen to do something than actually to do it. At least when private companies use PR and advertising they must spend their own money and there are other corporations vying for our business. If a company doesn't give us what we want they face bankruptcy. Public institutions, however, are monopolies. We have no choice but to buy, if not use, their services. If we don't like the way our particular police force operates it's not like we can choose another one or even withhold the money used to run the one we don't like. We're forced - under threat of imprisonment - to pay for a monopoly service and for it to tell us how great it is. This is the real danger of institutional PR. In the absence of competition it is only through a diversity of opinion and public scrutiny that some level of accountability can exist. PR stifles debate and suppresses opinion through the use of centralized press offices and communication protocols. ** p. 45-46. * Bureaucracy is the business of controlling other humans, making them do what you want them to do. That may be acceptable if what you are asking them to do is reasonable, rational and for the common good, but more likely what bureaucrats ask is treasonable, nonsensical and counterproductive to the public good. This is because the primary business of a bureaucrat, left unchecked, is creating more bureaucracy to further his or her own prestige and power. The result is that rules are in place serving no function but to keep bureaucrats in work and to expand their bureaucratic fiefdom. Before you know it you can't even hold a village fete without filling out more than fifteen different forms from various arms of the government. ** p. 92-93. * There are three main things the public need to know about courts:<br> # Who is using them # For what purpose (e.g. the case detail) # The result We need to know these things to ensure justice is being done, to understand the laws under which we live and to make best use of the finite resources that fund the judicial system. If the courts are becoming the preserve of the rich, corrupt or brutal, then we need to know as we are footing the bill. ** p. 150-151. * Once the right of the people to see justice being done is eroded, it is not long before there is no justice at all. ** p. 185 === ''The Revolution Will Be Digitised: Dispatches From the Information War'', 1st Edition === * We are at an extraordinary moment in human history: never before has the possibility of true democracy been so close to realisation. At the cost of publishing and duplication has dropped to near zero, a truly free press, and a truly informed public, becomes a reality. A new Information Enlightment is dawning where knowledge flows freely, beyond national boundaries. Technology is breaking down traditional social barriers of status, class, power, wealth and geography, replacing them with an ethos of collaboration and transparency. In this new Enlightenment it isn't just scientific truths that are the goal, but discovering truths about the way we live, about politics and power. ** p. ix. * Citizens around the world have long declared a desire to be trusted with the formation of their own opinions, and that can only come when they have access to the facts. This is the essence of the information war. Do we trust citizens to communicate freely and come to their own conclusions, or do we believe those in authority have a right to restrict and manipulate what we know? Do we hold to Enlightenment ideals of reason and the pursuit of truth no matter where that takes us, or put our faith in authority to make certain an uncertain world? ** p. x. * The Internet is powerful because it allows people to organise around issues at unprecedented speed, broadcast their thoughts and challenge those in charge. A wave of such groups banded together in early 2011 to demand the removal of authoritarian leaders in the Middle East as one country after another rose up with varying degrees of success. But the Internet doesn't cause revolution. It is a communications network. What people choose to do with technology - that is where we can make moral judgements. Some people will use it for ill, others for good. Security forces tend to focus on the ills, while the majority use it for good. In the name of protecting us from 'bad things on the Internet' there are increasing moves to suppress communications networks in both repressive and democratic countries. Demands to shut down, censor, filter or in other ways oversee and control the way people communicate are on the rise. ** p. xi. * At a time of information overload, good journalists are more important then ever. They serve as the public's hired guns to collect information from various sources and challenge it for the purpose of distilling down what is important and true. They-signpost issues that are worthy of our attention. In the past when we bought newspapers we were paying for that particular newspaper with its content- a bundle of news and entertainment. In the digital age we're buying the carriage (e.g. the Internet access) and readers decide later what information they want to view over that carrier. ** p. 70. * Being a professional journalist is rather like training to be a lawyer. There's a certain amount you can learn in school but largely it is a vocation learned through practice, with scepticism being a primary attribute. ** p. 70. * The powerful have historically tried to impose their will through mechanisms of enforced ignorance such as censorship, secrecy, threats, physical intimidation and violence. This model is difficult to sustain in a networked world based on Enlightenment values. This is not to say that Western democracies have abandoned these heavy-handed tactics, but more often the methods have shifted to more sophisticated ways of maintaining power such as media management, public relations and legal intimidation. In the midst of all this information and misinformation how can we filter out what is important and true? ** p. 72. * When a politician claims for example that 'crime is down' since he implemented a certain policy, it is the professional investigative journalist who knows the raw data on which this statement is based (criminal incident reports) and who asks for verification. He or she can then go to other sources to question the veracity of the data. '''The reason I specialise in the intricate details of bureaucracy isn't because I have a passion for paper-pushers, but rather because I need to know all the types of information collected, by whom and where they are stored so I can get my hands on them.''' A statement isn't a fact. Even '''when the person making the statement is an authority he or she still needs to provide evidence or proof that what they say is the truth and a professional journalist should be asking for this proof and supplying it for public scrutiny. All this accumulating of statements, data and information which then has to be verified takes time. But this is the only thing a journalist does that marks him out as a professional.''' It's the only reason anyone would choose a well-known newspaper's website over an unknown blog. The newspaper as a brand has built up, over time, a reputation for challenging the powerful and giving people meaningful, true information. '''The press is not like any other business and what it sells shouldn't just be rehashed press releases or celebrity gossip, but the civic information necessary for people to understand their society and participate in it. It is a check on political and financial power, or at least it should be.''' ** p. 72-73 * Leaks have happened before. They are not new. But the industrial scale of leaking made possible through the digitisation of information and the ability to communicate instantly across the globe - that ''is'' new. If it is to be revolutionary, however, we need a model for a new type of politics. ** p. 226. * Free speech is not the great danger for humanity. Concentration of power is. We learn this lesson over and over again, and yet seem compelled eternally to repeat it. Communism, colonialism, monarchy, state socialism, tyranny- all become enemies of the people because they offer their citizens not too many opportunities to communicate or associate, but too few. Power is the dynamic force that fuels politics and it is this, not speech, which needs to be constantly monitored, controlled and checked. We view crimes against humanity as aberrations, individuals gone wild, when we should be seeing them through the prism of power. Abuse happens when a culture values some people more than others and those exercising power are not accountable for their actions. ** p. 230. * Authoritarians offer citizens a deal: if we hand over our freedom, they will guarantee certainty and safety. This might have been possible in a closed society with little interaction between people, but it is a false promise in a knowledge economy where citizens are interconnected. If the best chaos theorists can't model the weather beyond a week, how does the National Security Agency think it can predict which of us will turn into a terrorist? If our intelligence agencies persist in monopolising knowledge we will see continued intelligence failures. ** p. 236. * Over the past year I've thought a lot about censorship, surveillance and regulation of the Internet. Is it necessary? Is it really so dangerous to allow individuals an ability to associate and communicate freely? Certainly there exists a criminal minority who take advantage of the freedom of the Internet, but no one is arguing that crimes shouldn't be prosecuted. This is about allowing the vast majority of people to communicate without state intervention. Despite all the dire warnings, the prophesies of doom and destruction that were foretold by the Pentagon, the US State Department, Hosni Mubarak, even English High Court Judge Eady, I look at the fallout from all that was published in 2010, all the breaches to establishment power that occurred through a networked citizenry- and the good clearly outweighs the bad. From the uprising in Iceland to the ousting of dictators in the Middle East, free speech has fundamentally changed the world for the good. ** p. 236. * Why, then, are the world's governments intent on controlling and regulating the Internet? Free speech is most threatening to authoritarian systems such as autocracies, militaries, the police and security services. '''Security services in principle exist for our protection but that is so only when they are accountable to the public for their considerable power.''' We are seeing a push by these agencies to move beyond the rule of law, to be accountable to no one but themselves. '''National security is becoming the new word of God to which all must submit in blind obedience.''' The decisions made, the liberties eroded, the crimes committed in the name of national security cannot be challenged because the information on which they are based remains secret. ** pp. 236-237. * We seek a saviour, someone to rescue us from the problems of the world. A saviour is the simple story, the easy option and that is why it is so compelling. You don't have to ''do'' anything except believe. There's no need to negotiate with other people, or figure out how to create a robust system within the bizarre and contradictory parameters of human nature. I must admit I fell prey to this when I first met Julian Assange. He was going to lead the way to a bold new age. Instead I learned that power when concentrated is dangerous no matter who holds it or for whatever good intention. The real revolution happens in our own minds, when we stop believing there is someone or some agency who has all the answers, who is infallible and will save us, and instead come to realise we have that ability within ourselves. We may be susceptible to cults of personality, but we can build a check against this into our political systems. ** pp. 237-238. * The world may be more complex and uncertain than we would like, but giving away our freedom for the false promises of protection is not a sustainable solution. We are defined not just by what we preach, but by what we practice. We cannot claim to be an enlightened democratic society if we live in breach of these values, without the rule of law, without reason, or the rigorous commitment to truth. ** p. 238. * We now have a technology that unites individuals in such a way that we can create the first global democracy. Hundreds of millions of people are climbing out of poverty and the Internet gives them access to the sort of information that was previously accessible only to elite scholars. They can join a worldwide conversation and come together in infinite permutations to check power anywhere it concentrates. The greatest achievement isn't in producing technology, but using it to re-define the boundaries of what is possible. ** pp. 238-239. === TED Global 2012: My Battle to Expose Government Corruption; June 26, 2012 === <small>'''[https://www.ted.com/talks/heather_brooke_my_battle_to_expose_government_corruption/transcript?language=en Transcript with video]'''</small> * The secret documents that I was interested in were located in this building, the British Parliament, and the data that I wanted to get my hands on were the expense receipts of members of Parliament. I thought this was a basic question to ask in a democracy. (Applause) It wasn't like I was asking for the code to a nuclear bunker, or anything like that, but the amount of resistance I got from this Freedom of Information request, you would have thought I'd asked something like this. * I fought for about five years doing this, and it was one of many hundreds of requests that I made, not -- I didn't -- Hey, look, I didn't set out, honestly, to revolutionize the British Parliament. That was not my intention. I was just making these requests as part of research for my first book. But it ended up in this very long, protracted legal battle and there I was after five years fighting against Parliament in front of three of Britain's most eminent High Court judges waiting for their ruling about whether or not Parliament had to release this data. And I've got to tell you, I wasn't that hopeful, because I'd seen the establishment. I thought, it always sticks together. I am out of luck. Well, guess what? I won. Hooray. * The transparency law they'd passed earlier that applied to everybody else, they tried to keep it so it didn't apply to them. What they hadn't counted on was digitization, because that meant that all those paper receipts had been scanned in electronically, and it was very easy for somebody to just copy that entire database, put it on a disk, and then just saunter outside of Parliament, which they did, and then they shopped that disk to the highest bidder, which was the Daily Telegraph, and then, you all remember, there was weeks and weeks of revelations, everything from porn movies and bath plugs and new kitchens and mortgages that had never been paid off. The end result was six ministers resigned, the first speaker of the house in 300 years was forced to resign, a new government was elected on a mandate of transparency, 120 MPs stepped down at that election, and so far, four MPs and two lords have done jail time for fraud. So, thank you. * I tell you that story because it wasn't unique to Britain. It was an example of a culture clash that's happening all over the world between bewigged and bestockinged officials who think that they can rule over us without very much prying from the public, and then suddenly confronted with a public who is no longer content with that arrangement, and not only not content with it, now, more often, armed with official data itself. So we are moving to this democratization of information, and I've been in this field for quite a while. * What I've seen from being in this access to information field for so long is that it used to be quite a niche interest, and it's gone mainstream. Everybody, increasingly, around the world, wants to know about what people in power are doing. They want a say in decisions that are made in their name and with their money. It's this democratization of information that I think is an information enlightenment, and it has many of the same principles of the first Enlightenment. It's about searching for the truth, not because somebody says it's true, "because I say so." No, it's about trying to find the truth based on what you can see and what can be tested. That, in the first Enlightenment, led to questions about the right of kings, the divine right of kings to rule over people, or that women should be subordinate to men, or that the Church was the official word of God. * I've mentioned WikiLeaks, because surely what could be more open than publishing all the material? Because that is what Julian Assange did. He wasn't content with the way the newspapers published it to be safe and legal. He threw it all out there. That did end up with vulnerable people in Afghanistan being exposed. It also meant that the Belarussian dictator was given a handy list of all the pro-democracy campaigners in that country who had spoken to the U.S. government. Is that radical openness? I say it's not, because for me, what it means, it doesn't mean abdicating power, responsibility, accountability, it's actually being a partner with power. It's about sharing responsibility, sharing accountability. Also, the fact that he threatened to sue me because I got a leak of his leaks, I thought that showed a remarkable sort of inconsistency in ideology, to be honest, as well. * The other thing is that power is incredibly seductive, and you must have two real qualities, I think, when you come to the table, when you're dealing with power, talking about power, because of its seductive capacity. You've got to have skepticism and humility. Skepticism, because you must always be challenging. I want to see why do you -- you just say so? That's not good enough. I want to see the evidence behind why that's so. And humility because we are all human. We all make mistakes. And if you don't have skepticism and humility, then it's a really short journey to go from reformer to autocrat, and I think you only have to read "Animal Farm" to get that message about how power corrupts people. * So what is the solution? It is, I believe, to embody within the rule of law rights to information. At the moment our rights are incredibly weak. In a lot of countries, we have Official Secrets Acts, including in Britain here. We have an Official Secrets Act with no public interest test. So that means it's a crime, people are punished, quite severely in a lot of cases, for publishing or giving away official information. Now wouldn't it be amazing, and really, this is what I want all of you to think about, if we had an Official Disclosure Act where officials were punished if they were found to have suppressed or hidden information that was in the public interest? * Some fairy tales have happy endings. Some don't. I think we've all read the Grimms' fairy tales, which are, indeed, very grim. But the world isn't a fairy tale, and it could be more brutal than we want to acknowledge. Equally, it could be better than we've been led to believe, but either way, we have to start seeing it exactly as it is, with all of its problems, because it's only by seeing it with all of its problems that we'll be able to fix them and live in a world in which we can all be happily ever after. == Official Substack Newsletters == === First Substack Newsletter - What is Power? (November 2, 2022) === * If you ask people, ‘Do you want power?’ most will likely cringe. Especially women. That’s because our cultural view of power is conflated with domination, abuse, oppression. Unless you are a psychopath, you probably aren’t keen to meet this out on your fellow beings. Hence empathetic, caring people will shy away from taking positions of power. But actually this turning away from power is itself an abuse of power. * The definition of power as domination is just one of many and not even the most popular or powerful form of power. In fact, that version of power is WEAK POWER. Weak because it is fragile, easily defeated, and requires constant effort to maintain usually in the form of propaganda, lies and violence. This is because weak power can’t inspire or persuade. It has no vision. It is not true power. * There are other types of power, too. There is the power to create and grow. The power to influence outcomes and make changes. There is, as Brene Brown puts it, power to, power with, and power within. Power is relational and changing. Sometimes you might be in a situation where you hold power and in another where you don’t. Some power is deserved because you earned it and some is not because you came by it only through privilege. Power is not inherently bad or good. Power can be used to support, protect, defend and sustain life. Or it can be used to exploit, oppress, abuse and destroy life. * When people with good intentions don't own and take power, it becomes the preserve of the heartless, ruthless, greedy, narcissistic, psychopaths. That’s why not using power can be just as bad as using it badly. * Weak power has no vision for a world where beings are free and flourishing. It cannot conceive of a world based on pleasure, diversity and abundance, though that was life on our planet until very recently. * Real power is the ability to imagine something better, something different and act to bring that vision to life. That’s what I want for all people. Not that we crave weak power. But that we ARE power. By our actions and our choices we re-make the world in such a way that Life and Nature are sacred once again. === Substack Newsletter - Protesting and what it means for democracy (April 2, 2024) === * Protesting is one of our most important democratic rights. It ensures the most fair and efficient running of a country because it allows new ideas to be raised, criticisms to be vented. If you suppress all protest, societal discontent builds like a pressure cooker. Sooner or later, it’s going to blow, and in that chaos, all sorts of bad actors can try and gain power. That’s the real importance of protest. It means something for both a society and for an individual. It gives us agency when so often we can feel powerless. It is such a worthwhile thing to come together and petition for reform. In too many countries, it’s a privilege, but it should be our human right. === Substack Newsletter - Protesting and what it means for democracy (July 22, 2024) === * It’s action, not beliefs, that matter most. Thinking is great. Thinking leads to action, but too often thinking can hijack our higher wisdom. The wisdom of the human heart. Too often we discount cruel or unjust actions because of beliefs. If an action is immoral but we want to do it anyway, or someone else wants us to do it, justifications are made. Beliefs are created about the lesser value of others. * Does bullying feel right in your heart? Threatening people with violence? How about actual killing? Our hearts know what is right, and what is morally wrong. It’s the mind that plays tricks. It’s the mind that - without training, and given superiority over heart - leads us to do the things that make us feel small, corrupted, fearful and tight in our own skin. Propaganda exists to help us override our heart wisdom. The lies others tell us and the lies we tell ourselves can be used to justify the worst cruelty and harm. * Violence is a moral crime not just against others but against one’s own heart. And we can only commit such crimes when we let our minds override the voice of our soul. === Substack Newsletter - Fascism: a disease born of male insecurity (November 1, 2024) === * With its idolising of stony-faced ‘strong men’, its fantasies of domination and control, fascism is the ideology of the insecure man. A man who feels - at base - unworthy, unwanted and powerless. * Instead of real power - the power someone has when they know they are worthy, wanted and have what it takes to handle life - the insecure man seeks domination. He doesn’t feel worthy or wanted or that people will want to be with him on his own merits, so he sees manipulation and violence as the only way to be in relationship to others. He doesn’t feel he has what it takes to deal with life, so he seeks control. * The oppression of women is key in fascism because insecure men don’t feel they have what it takes to attract and maintain a relationship with a woman. They believe the only way to get a woman is through manipulation or force. Why would a free woman with choices and resources, choose them? In their mind, they wouldn’t, so their solution is to take away freedom, choice and resources from women. This is also the driving insecurity of patriarchy, which is a form of fascism. * Followers of fascism also have their own ‘daddy issues’. Are they drawn to an authoritarian father figure, as replacement for their own? The fascist leader granting a simulacrum of love, acceptance and belonging to men who feel cast out from the fatherly fraternity. === Substack Newsletter - Alienation in America (November 15, 2024) === * What I see now when I visit America is the juxtaposition of wild nature and sterile humanity. People boxing themselves away - in houses, cars, offices. * They say everything is bigger in America but when you’re barreling along a 10-lane highway with massive trucks on either side of you and an aggressive SUV shoving your rear, it’s hard not to feel insignificant in a hostile universe. The only sensible solution seems to be to supersize yourself so you don’t get run over. It’s as if insignificance was the design brief for so much of American architecture and infrastructure. It ignores the reality of human size, let alone vulnerability, preferring an egoic delusion that humans are separate and superior to nature. But this feeling of insignificance leads to an insatiable hunger. For a bigger vehicle, a bigger house, more money, more guns - anything to feel more secure, and that security never materializes. * A brutal work culture adds to the feeling, pushing people toward transience. Jobs have primary importance not just for a necessary salary but to get health insurance. * I would feel homesick for Federal Way, Washington where I grew up. A city both exuberant with nature but also nature’s destruction: virgin forests giving way to freeways, streams filled in to build strip malls, dams destroying ancient salmon spawning grounds. === Substack Newsletter - Pick your poison: moral purity or power? (November 22, 2024) === * To solve our current dependence on fossil fuels is a complex problem that demands communication and cooperation. Taking binary stands and publicly shaming people, doesn’t seem a good way to solve this problem. * Two things signal to me when a group is more interested in self-righteousness than making actual policy: Picking on allies and name calling. * This moral superiority reveals something important. This group isn’t dealing with reality, which is nuanced and interdependent, but with absolutes. And they aren’t interested in compromise or solutions, but moral purity. Their idea of moral purity. You can share the same overall goal - be that an end to fossil fuels, sexism, racism, capitalism, you name it - but these groups demand fealty to their language and their specific interpretation of the problem. They aren’t interested in any views other than their own. You know what that sounds like? Totalitarianism. === Substack Newsletter - Happiness takes work (November 29, 2024) === * I used to be suspicious of happiness. It’s not that I yearned to be unhappy, but too often the quest for happiness was, to my mind, tied up with delusional thinking. It involved putting on blinkers, so the darker, sadder, more disturbing aspects of reality were blanked out. I’ve always had a ravenous curiosity for truth. I want to understand life and get to its essence, so putting on blinkers was not for me. * As a newspaper reporter, I covered crime, then politics then investigations. None could be described as abundant with happiness. Yet I didn’t feel unhappy reporting on these realities. They were truths that needed to be told. '''Truth needs to be told regardless of how it makes people feel, and more often than not it makes people feel bad before it makes them feel good. It’s crucial to get through that initial pain, because only by doing so, and seeing reality as it is, can we learn and change.''' * One of the big breakthroughs came when I started gardening. Nature is always the best teacher. It IS the universe. It IS life/death/rebirth. Trees fall, plants die, but all the time they’re also being reborn. I can’t help but notice the universe has provided all the conditions for life not just to survive but to thrive. === Substack Newsletter - On being seen (December 17, 2024) === * In elementary school, I loved Show and Tell. I loved to hunt around my house for an object I could bring to school with a story. It’s not hard to see why I was drawn to journalism - being a reporter is the grown-up version of Show and Tell. I also loved to show off and perform bike and roller-skating stunts. Yet somewhere along the way I lost the joy of being seen. Instead, starting in my teenage years, the desire came coupled with shame, dread, anxiety, embarrassment, even outright mortification. I don’t think I’m unusual in this, especially among women. * The need to be seen is fundamental to all humans. In healthy development, a child gets appropriate amounts of attention and recognition, which leads to a secure sense of self worth. If we are also accepted in our fullness then we’ve hit the developmental jackpot and become superbly well-adjusted adults. But many of us didn’t get that level of attention, attunement or acceptance. In my own case, I was left with a hunger and yearning to be known and valued. * Suddenly other people thought me admirable and important. When they did, I felt good. But also nervous because what if they suddenly changed their mind? I could see other famous people fall from the public’s favour, admiration turning to envy or hatred. People wrote admiring letters to me, but I couldn’t take it in because I thought ‘they don’t really know me’. They only knew the version of me I put on display - that of the tough tenacious reporter, battling for the people’s right to know. They didn’t know my aching emptiness, my deep hunger to be known. I learned that being seen is not the same as being known. Outsourcing my self-worth to total strangers, I realised, was not a good idea. * What to do? In therapy there’s a saying that ‘the way through is in’. Instead of avoiding pain, go through it. My investigative mindset liked this and so I decided to investigate myself. I started therapy and also began writing more creatively. It’s how I wrote as a child until shame cloaked my ability to be seen. * '''Why do women go around feeling so embarrassed of ourselves? Why do we wind up feeling we have to be perfect, or pure, pretty or agreeable just to gain a modicum of acceptance? I think it’s because that’s actually the fact of being a woman in a patriarchal society.''' * So shame can help protect us, but it can also become a prison. It precludes change. As long as we remain invisible, as long as we dim our light, or hide behind a persona, we curtail our ability to be truly known by others and form meaningful connections. === Substack Newsletter - Water water everywhere and not a (free) drop to drink (April 7, 2025) === * Flying from Gatwick Airport recently, I noticed the absolute dearth of water fountains. I found just one in the terminal and it was hiding in a bathroom. If there are more, they’re not easily located. It’s only slightly better at Heathrow unless you happen to be a member of a private lounge (which since British Airways changed their loyalty program I no longer am). The single best way to avoid plastic pollution is for people to use their own water bottles and plenty of people had them. There were many of us hunting around the airport for a place to fill them. Why the lack? We live in a wet country where water is plentiful. When I go to America there are (and have been for decades) fountains everywhere. Yet most British airports have a distinct lack of water fountains. * On tropical beaches from Ghana to the Caribbean and Indonesia, the most common detritus I’ve seen is the plastic water bottle. We in the West really have no excuse to continue to buy water in plastic bottles when it is a readily available resource. It’s how we know most eco-preservation chat is rhetoric rather than reality. What matters most is money not nature. Pure greed. We all fall prey to this - preferring to pay over the odds to each buy our own bottle of water from a private company rather than agreeing to collectively pay for a water fountain. === Substack Newsletter - What is your rocket fuel? (June 20, 2025) === * I was being seen, yes, but fame is outsourcing your own worth onto strangers. It doesn’t solve the root problem of feeling unworthy or unloved. Nor does it do anything to heal the pain from such a feeling. Fame, money, power - they promise, or give the illusion of, being the solution to life’s pains, but in reality they are hollow. At best, they offer short-term, superficial relief from pain, but at worst they isolate a person so thoroughly they became incapable of happiness or living a meaningful life. * Look at anyone who uses money, fame or power to fill their inner voids, and you’ll see someone in a clear addiction cycle. They can’t live without their next fix. The next headline, the next million, the next power grab. === Substack Newsletter - What makes a good airport? (July 26, 2025) === * First, what makes a bad airport: Too few seats and a dearth of facilities apart from the inevitable duty free that you always find, no matter how dire the airport, snaking for miles, standing between airport security and your departure gates like an obstacle course that reeks of perfume. I hate these modern duty free shops that have come to infest all modern airports. Why is that? Are they all run by the same company and has that company got a monopoly on all the world’s airports? Or our airport managers so lacking in imagination they can’t imagine an airport without this mecca to materialism? If an alien came down to earth what would they make of the human race with our seeming obsession with alcohol, cigarettes, chocolate from the same multinational companies, cosmetics and perfume? The only good thing in them is the one shelf spotlighting local delicacies, but these are always massively overpriced and you can get much better quality and variety in the town itself. === Substack Newsletter - Why do we think death is unnatural? (September 30, 2025) === * Writing - at least for me - requires quiet, stability, stillness. Some might say boredom. How to write about life when you’re too busy living it? Life fills my cup and then I need time and space to distill what’s in the cup into its essence. The challenge is to live a full, adventurous life while also finding time and space to write about it. If there’s no time or space to reflect, then what I write is just hot takes and first impressions. That’s the sort of writing I did as a reporter, but here I want to make broader sense of what I’ve experienced. Boil all those experiences of being alive into some kind of meaning. * When death is not witnessed in its physical reality, it lives only in our imagination. I think this is one reason we fear death so much more in the West than in cultures where dead bodies are an everyday part of life. When we can see the physical dimension of death, its mystery is lessened. We can see that in death there is also a lot of peace. When death exists only in our imagination or in crime drama re-creations, it is limitless and frightening. === Substack Newsletter - A tornado during sunshine week? Anything is possible in Trump's DC (May 1, 2026) === * No matter the time or place, those in power have a tendency toward keeping people in the dark. Secrecy remains one of the main ways of maintaining power over others. The conference celebrated the 60th anniversary of the U.S. Freedom of Information Act but there was a more international flavour than usual with speakers from England (myself and the UK’s Deputy Information Commissioner), Mexico and Ghana. * There’s an impression that Trump is the most transparent US President ever. He is, in some regards, letting in the press to places and events where they’ve been excluded, saying so much out loud that is usually unspoken. Whether that kind of transparency is beneficial is questionable. Do we really need every passing grudge and brain fart to be broadcast to the world at large? That isn’t transparency, it’s lack of thought and emotional control. What counts as transparency in accountability terms is the ability to know in detail what public officials do in our name and with our money. On that score, Trump is no better (and in many cases worse) than any other secrecy-loving politician. Reporters have been kicked out of Trump’s press conferences, had their credentials stripped, or harassed simply for asking the sort of tough questions any good political reporter ought to be asking. Around his financial dealings there is almost no transparency and the suspicion grows that he is using a public office for private enrichment of himself, his family and his cronies. Details around actual policy-making and lobbying are hard to come by as well. His administration is trying to change public records laws to alter the national archives and remove information that might show his regime in anything other than a flattering light. * Americans are nothing if not hopeful. Sometimes that can sway into delusion and naivity, but the people who I heard from at the conference were aware and angry. What they had no time for was cynicism which allows for passivity. They saw the problems and they wanted to fix them. This is something the UK could have a bit more of. === Substack Newsletter - Why Protest? (May 12, 2026) === * Where protests do make powerful changes is in the hearts and minds of the participants themselves. Over and over, researchers find profound effects on those who join protest movements and social movements more broadly. They are often a gateway drug between casual participation and lifelong activism. * Our thoughts are formed through our social world and the opportunities we have in that world to act. Our actions and experiences are what form and change our beliefs, often without us even noticing. * Protests change the scope of our political imagination. They show there might be other ways to live. They make what seemed impossible, possible; they give words to what was previously wordless, and they show that you are not alone. Going on a protest is a new action that provides a new experience, a new social network and the chance to learn new skills. Most importantly a ‘good’ protest helps people feel their own agency. That is, feel their own power and that what they do has meaning. All this gives people strength and resilience to do the tough work of facing reality and trying to make it better. * Not that we need get rid of debate and discourse (after all, why be a writer if you don’t believe argument matters?), but I now see the point of organising even small political actions. Taking such actions together can be joyful, compelling, and change the way people think about the world, far more than an abstract debate. So if you want to change people’s minds, the best advice is to think about how you can change their lives. What new experiences and actions can you bring into their world? == Attributed == === In the Media === * It is scrutiny by the general public that keeps the powerful honest. ** [http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/features/the-lives-of-others-heather-brookes-new-book-opens-up-further-fronts-in-the-war-to-set-information-free-1939295.html "The lives of others: Heather Brooke's new book opens up further fronts in the war to set information free"] ''The Independent'' (9 April 2010). * By making everything secure [governments] have degraded the quality of secrecy. ** Quoted by Richard Waters [http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/9098a06a-9c1c-11df-a7a4-00144feab49a.html#axzz45lPGQfQg "Online leaks: A digital deluge"] ''Financial Times'' (30 July 2010). * Journalists are, or ought to be, the public's hired guns sent out to collect information, question it, verify it and distil it to what is important and true. This takes time and skill, and is the only thing a journalist does that marks him or her out as a professional. It's also the reason why anyone would choose well-known newspaper's website over an unknown blog. ** [http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/wire/8235 "Harold Evans, Guido Fawkes, Heather Brookes and Bild on journalism and the public interest"] ''Press Gazette'' (27 September 2011). * '''The survival of journalism in the digital age rests on its unique selling point: serving this public interest. Fail or forget to do that, and it has no future.''' ** [http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/wire/8235 "Harold Evans, Guido Fawkes, Heather Brookes and Bild on journalism and the public interest"] ''Press Gazette'' (27 September 2011). * If you believe the promise that an authoritarian state makes that if it has enough knowledge on every citizen it will keep people safe. I think that’s a false promise. It doesn’t actually happen. If that was the case then East Germany would be a really incredible place to live and in fact it wasn’t, it was really horrible, most of these places were really horrible. ** Interview with Dina Rickman [http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/08/17/heather-brooke-data-deali_n_928985.html "Heather Brooke: Data Dealing Is A Bigger Scandal Than Phone Hacking"], ''The Huffington Post'' (17 August 2011). * I’m talking of the revolutionary quality of digitization. And I say it’s revolutionary because once information is no longer a bunch of box files or papers in a filing cabinet but just bits that fly through the air, it means that it’s so hard for people in power to control it. And it’s always been true that knowledge is power. And so once it becomes very difficult for people in power to keep hold of information it means that it becomes very hard for them to keep hold of power, because power just flows out. The default now is zero cost for information to spread instantly around the globe. And in fact you have to pay money to stop it now. That’s incredibly disruptive and revolutionary. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * The first thing is that you’re always at a disadvantage, because a bureaucracy is funded by the public to have permanent people there who can relentlessly advocate for their own interest. And that’s the problem: when bureaucracy stops working for the public interest. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * What’s really important is to have systemic changes. By that I mean, for example, putting into law that people have a right to access official information. Once freedom of information becomes part of the bureaucracy, the bureaucrats who are freedom of information officials have a vested interest in making sure that that law is there and that it actually works, because it kind of justifies their existence. One thing is to institutionalize rights to know. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * There doesn’t seem to be any law that’s there to protect the citizens from massive State surveillance. We have to collectively come up with some fundamental values around people’s right to privacy, the right to be left alone from government, and rights to free speech. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * We’ve come up with ways to judge the quality of a product. The thing is that we’re just getting used to the idea that information is a product, and we have to come up with criteria on which to judge which information is worth paying attention to and taking seriously and which isn’t. So we have to think: is this information new? Is it relevant? Is it trustworthy? Can I verify it? Who’s the source? If you’re a journalist you’re used to doing this as your job, but that’s going to become increasingly necessary for people online, because they just get hit with so much information, and if they don’t want to just sit there, manipulated by all different kinds of propaganda, they have to start getting tooled up on how to be a savvy information consumer. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * The problem with WikiLeaks is that it’s been taken over by Julian Assange, and that is directly opposed to what the whole movement is meant to be about: decentralized power, collaboration, equality and transparency. Under Julian Assange, WikiLeaks has become exactly the opposite of all of these things: it’s become totally centralized, it’s become a hierarchy, it’s not transparent. And it’s not collaborative, but incredibly divisive in the transparency community, because anybody who dares to challenge or criticize Julian comes under severe fire from him. A person who’s meant to be a leader of a movement, which is what he claims to be, you’re meant to be about building and accruing allies, rather than going into the movement and being divisive. But that’s exactly what he’s been. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * The movement of radical transparency and accountability is not about putting a new person in charge, it’s about getting rid of the whole idea of hierarchal politics. It’s about decentralizing power. ** Interview with Fabio Chiusi [http://www.journalismfestival.com/news/heather-brooke-antitrust-legislation-needed-to-keep-the-internet-free/ International Journalism Festival] (12 April 2012). * A lack of government oversight hasn't hindered the internet. Quite the opposite. A hands-off approach is largely responsible for its fantastic growth and success. The tremendous innovation and economic boon produced by the free internet should be proof enough that the dead hand of government isn't needed. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * This is the information war we are now engaged in. Governments are seeking to militarise cyberspace while citizens fight for the right to communicate and assemble freely online without state surveillance. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * We need to codify our values and build consensus around what we want from a free society and a free internet. We need to put into law protections for our privacy and our right to speak and assemble. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"] ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * To be successful, a campaign to maintain the free internet and freedom of information has to go beyond vandal hackers. Stunts designed not to provoke dialogue or persuade the public of the rightness of the cause but simply to throw up a middle finger to authority are more hindrance than help. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2012/apr/20/we-should-all-be-hactivists "We should all be hacktivists now"], ''The Guardian'' (20 April 2012). * The public pay for and elect the government and it is only by the people’s will that those in public office hold power. Public servants’ primary responsibility is to serve the people and we have a right to know what they are doing in our name and with our money. Public accountability does not end the day after an election. ** Maurice Neill [http://www.newsletter.co.uk/community/columnists/maurice-neill-upholding-our-right-to-accountability-1-3856967 "Upholding our right to accountability"] Newsletter (UK) (18 May 2012). * Transparency is seen as the antidote to corruption because secrecy is, if not its cause, then at least a necessary precondition. This is especially so for corruption involving private enrichment from public goods. Transparency is a power-reducing mechanism so it matters whose affairs are made transparent and for what purpose. * Transparency can help citizens hold the powerful to account; but it can also be used by the powerful to control citizens by making their lives transparent through surveillance. For transparency to be just, it must always be considered in relationship to power. * Transparency helps ensure that power is not abused or used to make the powerful, or their immediate families, rich. There is also a genuine public interest in ensuring that the people who make laws and levy tax are following those laws and paying their fair share of tax. * This is the problem with the argument that if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear: it ignores the issue of power. If we are not careful, transparency can be used to increase, rather than reduce, the information asymmetry between ruler and ruled. * Transparency strengthens democracy only when it gives citizens information they can use. It is not just about politicians telling us what they want us to know. For it to mean anything, it must empower citizens and provide answers to the questions they ask, not merely spoon feed them meagre information rations. ** [http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/7ba47200-015c-11e6-99cb-83242733f755.html#axzz45lPGQfQg "Transparency thwarts the abuse of power to enrich the powerful"] ''Financial Times'' (13 April 2016). * I get it. It is always easier to go after the person raising a problem than to deal with the problem itself, especially if that problem is systemic. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/comment/columnists/article/judiciary-should-be-listening-to-women-not-harrying-them-c8blr3hg7?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAabZaWYQHtNee5ieJQlhSjSYAKbRUFDhe_qZVnePWSVRsL1PeUdp3qaUmXM_aem_4L7Th3zQX2zjkfRqTS7juA "Judiciary should be listening to women, not harrying them"] ''The Times'' (16 December 2024). * One of the things that struck me most noticeably when moving to the UK from the US in 1997 was the secrecy of the state toward its citizens. Having worked as a crime reporter in America, I discovered that most of the public records and information I used to do my job were actually illegal to access in the UK. I found the secrecy wasn’t unique to law enforcement but rather a default attitude among officials. It didn’t matter if I were asking for details of food hygiene inspections, parliamentary expenses or police reports, the attitude was the same. A kind of disbelief and then a patronising disdain, by which I was meant to understand that it was not my “place” as a mere citizen — or subject as I learnt was the UK term — to ask for a full accounting from agents of the state. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/ive-fought-the-uk-secret-state-for-decades-afghan-scandal-is-no-surprise-vdfn3qhn3?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAacesvyuuMIgDCyI-SSpbSQ57P_f_ksBFEzjjmKJlzDlrHChsPoIE4nQI3BYPA_aem_pxbcOmVdASUlcpe6MOJRXw "I’ve fought the secret state for decades. Afghan scandal is no surprise"] ''The Times'' (20 July 2025). * I was putting together a book, Your Right to Know, about people’s new rights under the Freedom of Information Act (FOI) 2000 that was coming into force in 2005. I thought it would be a game-changer for British democracy and I wanted to include contact details for the new FOI units in public agencies. I was used to naming public officials. In America it was no big deal; anonymity was only used if there was a valid reason. But you would have thought I’d asked for nuclear codes such was the shock and pushback I received to this simple request. The idea of providing actual names was anathema and I began to wonder who was the master here, and who the servant. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/ive-fought-the-uk-secret-state-for-decades-afghan-scandal-is-no-surprise-vdfn3qhn3?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAacesvyuuMIgDCyI-SSpbSQ57P_f_ksBFEzjjmKJlzDlrHChsPoIE4nQI3BYPA_aem_pxbcOmVdASUlcpe6MOJRXw "I’ve fought the secret state for decades. Afghan scandal is no surprise"] ''The Times'' (20 July 2025). * Secrecy, in the hands of the powerful, is too easy a tool to abuse. The distance from protection to cover-up is short, and a tool initially intended to help can quickly morph into causing harm. That’s why it should never be a default for anyone in power, but rather an exception. ** [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/politics/article/ive-fought-the-uk-secret-state-for-decades-afghan-scandal-is-no-surprise-vdfn3qhn3?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAacesvyuuMIgDCyI-SSpbSQ57P_f_ksBFEzjjmKJlzDlrHChsPoIE4nQI3BYPA_aem_pxbcOmVdASUlcpe6MOJRXw "I’ve fought the secret state for decades. Afghan scandal is no surprise"] ''The Times'' (20 July 2025). === Chatham House Talk (September 28, 2011) === <small>'''[http://www.chathamhouse.org/sites/default/files/public/Meetings/Meeting%20Transcripts/280911brooke.pdf Transcript]'''</small> * What I call the ‘information war’, where through the control of information our society is being radically transformed. * The point about digitization, just to explain what I mean by that, is the way that information is no longer a physical commodity. It doesn't have a mass like it used to. So it used to be that if you wanted to leak a bunch of documents, you physically had to carry away these huge boxes of documents and then you had to physically photocopy them somehow. And they had this physical mass, and it was through that mass that they could be controlled by people in power. When information is digitized, it loses that mass for the most part. It becomes almost ephemeral, it's like an idea; it's like a thought. And it spreads and it can be shared almost instantaneously. So you can take that, and then you combine it with the internet, which is this web in which everybody is talking to each other and sharing information. And you've got the makings of what I think is a digital revolution, which nobody quite knows how to handle it, what to do with it. * In the same way that in freedom of information around the world, the onus is always… the balance is always on disclosure and the state has to argue why it keeps things secret. But the problem always is in enforcement and who enforces it. And it becomes particularly problematic in the intelligence agencies. Because there you've got this argument of national security and what is happening is that national security is becoming the new word of God, where you can't challenge it. You can't challenge the facts behind why we go to war or why have we put people in prison or why have we occupied a country. And that's where I do kind of think that we need to push the line further. * '''I want to put paid to this idea that if you've nothing to fear, you've nothing to hide.''' I interviewed a really interesting guy in this book. He ran the data campaign for the Obama election, when Obama was being elected. And what they do is they just harvest huge troves of databases. And they're doing it for the basis of trying to predict who might vote for Obama in the election. And he just took me through this whole data business – data brokerage, data dealing. And he showed me this 10,000... well, it was a 464 page dictionary, a data dictionary, with 10,000 data units in it. So that's for every person, it's 10,000 things that you could find out about that person. Their political association, if they drink Coke or Diet Coke, what sort of magazines do they subscribe to, have they ever had any court cases against them. It's just like a raft of stuff. The problem is, is how these things are used. It's fine if somebody wants to sell you some products, but increasingly states are accessing all this information. And they're building algorithms to try and predict criminals. … It's pretty well-known that the National Security Agency in America is building algorithms and it's taking all of these datasets and basically trying to predict who is going to be a problem for us in future. And to me that just seems an incredibly dangerous road for us to go down, that you’re no longer innocent until proven guilty. We’re starting to imagine or predict who is going to be a problem. * I think with all technology, people have an idea of how it will be used, but then it has a life of its own and people use it in all kinds of ways. In the same way with Facebook. I doubt when people first created Facebook they imagined it was going to help people in Egypt overthrow a dictator. So it does have a life of its own that we can’t predict. * I’m very much a free market capitalist, actually. I don’t agree with a kind of totalitarian, one government or sort of universal law. I think what will happen and what is happening now is, in the same way as… In the way that countries make themselves attractive to investors through different pieces of legislation they offer, whether it’s secrecy in the case of the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, I think the fact that some countries now are offering very robust publishing laws, it will be that as information is global, what you might see is that these big internet companies like Google or Facebook, that have their servers, will start to relocate those servers to countries where they have less interference. In a way, you’re creating a kind of free market of freedom of information law. * The main thing, if there is a power that the media has, it’s mostly because they represent the public in quite a direct relationship. They’re very populist in the sense that they are meant to be the public’s hired goons who go out, find information, collate it all, verify whether or not it’s true, and then signpost to the citizens that this is worth reading. And they make it in such a way that it’s interesting to read. So they are kind of spokespeople for the people. And in an interconnected age, they are definitely quicker to realize the way power has shifted. You find most journalists now are on all these social networks. They’re all about creating… they want a direct relationship with their audience, in a way that politicians have been very loathe to do. * You find most journalists now are on all these social networks. They’re all about creating… they want a direct relationship with their audience, in a way that politicians have been very loathe to do. They don’t want to come down to the masses. They still want to be in that fortress, in that ivory tower where they can lecture down to people. They haven’t really adapted to this two-way communication. * What I say in the book is that rather than it being the death of journalism, this whole deluge of information, it to me marks a time when journalism can really come into its own, because as we’re drowning in information, the whole point of a journalist is to signpost what’s important and then to verify whether or not it’s true. === ''We Steal Secrets'' 2013 Movie === <small>'''[http://wikileaks.org/IMG/html/gibney-transcript.html Transcript by WikiLeaks]'''</small> * This is where we get into the information war - that speculative blood became more important than the actual blood. We already can see all that terrible stuff – we know about that. Let's focus on your nightmares, how all these people might die because the government's secrets have been unleashed. * It was that whole Wizard of Oz moment. We all look at these politicians – oh wow, they're so powerful - and then it was the little dog pulling the curtain away. * The American government said: 'You can't publish this, it's dangerous, it's going to damage world affairs, diplomacy, etc, and then you publish it anyway and it's for the greater good, telling people what they needed to know. === ''The British State is Addicted to Secrecy - We Need to Fight Back'' === <small>'''[https://democracyforsale.substack.com/p/why-the-british-government-is-addicted-to-secrecy-freedom-of-information Column in "Democracy for Sale" 29 November 2025 Substack]'''</small> * Knowing how public money is spent by public officials seemed the bare minimum for a functioning democracy. * FOI [Freedom of Information] is the democratic canary in the coal mine. When official information flows freely, it signals that power is shared. When it’s withheld or delayed, it signals the opposite: power concentrated in the few, with the public treated as a nuisance - or a threat. * A reset is needed. FOI should clearly extend to lobbying and to private companies doing public work or taking public money. The Royal Family’s absolute exemption - slipped in after the Black Spider Memos ruling - should be repealed. Enforcement must be strengthened with the power to fine persistent offenders, as with data protection. And outdated secrecy laws, including aspects of contempt of court, need serious reform. * Too many officials still see the public as something to control, not citizens to inform. And this matters. When establishment institutions refuse to listen or explain, they create a vacuum that opportunistic populists are eager to fill. People may not like the solutions these actors offer, but they do like being heard. * When people cannot see how decisions are made - or how money is spent, or whether justice is being done - resentment grows. In good times, it simmers; in hard times, it explodes. Transparency diffuses that pressure. It gives power back to citizens and deprives populists of the darkness in which they thrive. * Even when transparency reveals uncomfortable truths, it is still the better path. Problems don’t disappear when buried - they deepen. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://heatherbrooke.org Official website] * [https://heatherbrooke.substack.com/ Substack newsletters] {{DEFAULTSORT:Brooke, Heather}} [[Category:1970 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from Pennsylvania]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Women activists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] 8s9xbkqj3n9izacj5lnqkgg1pp1vrlc 0 132669 3944368 3943802 2026-05-23T06:06:21Z ~2026-30799-67 3327798 3944368 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Otakuthon 2014- Powerpuff Girls (15016938646).jpg|thumb|And so for the very first time, the day is saved thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Powerpuff Girls Movie|The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]''''' is an American animated [[w:Superhero|superhero]] [[w:Comedy|comedy film]] produced by [[w:Cartoon Network Studios|Cartoon Network Studios]], and released to theaters by [[w:Warner Bros. Pictures|Warner Bros.]] on July 3, 2002. It is a prequel to the [[The Powerpuff Girls|TV series]], tells the origin story of how the Powerpuff Girls were created, and how Mojo Jojo became a supervillain. :''Directed by [[w:Craig McCracken|Craig McCracken]]. Written by [[w:Charlie Bean (filmmaker)|Charlie Bean]], [[w:Lauren Faust|Lauren Faust]], Craig McCracken, [[w:Paul Rudish|Paul Rudish]] and Don Shank. {{center|'''Sugar, spice and everything nice...these were the ingredients to create the perfect...crime-fighting little girls?'''}} == Blossom == * ''[after Buttercup "accidentally" punched Rocko Socko, freeing the dog]'' Buttercup! You're a genius! * ''[spotting Ojo's orango-tank about to crush the people]'' Better yet. Watch! ''[explodes the top]'' * Come on, girls, let's put an end to this gorilla warfare! == Bubbles == * That was amaz--! ''[the Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos spit at them]'' Hey! Eww, gross! Cut it out! ''[shoots her laser vision at them]'' * ''[as the Professor grabs her]'' Eep! == Buttercup == * ''[repeated yelling]'' * ''[stuttering]'' I didn't mean it! It was an accident! He wouldn't let go! And the dog! == Mojo Jojo == * The hobo "fomo"-ly known as Jojo is "nomo"! From this day "fowo"-d, I shall be known as... '''''MOJO JOJO!!!!!!!!''''' * For too long, apes and monkeys have been under the thumb of man! Well, the time has come to ''oppose'' that thumb, and take hold of what is rightfully ours: '''''THE WORLD!!!!!!!!''''' * ''[as his losing control of his rage and yelling at his army of apes and monkeys who turn against him and each other]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Stop! Cease! Desist! Do not continue with your ramblings, for ''my'' ramblings are the ramblings to obeyed! For I am the king, supreme leader, and all-around dictator! For I am the mastermind, the genius, and all-around visionary! It was I who laid the original plan and set it into motion! DON'T YOU SEE?! All you monkeys are my plan! So ''your'' plans are ''my'' plans, because ''you'' made plans and ''my'' plan was to make ''you!'' I never planned for my plans to make plans to stop my plan! I plan to rule the planet, not to have my plans plan to stop ''me!'' The planner of ''you!'' '''''SO STOP! CEASE! DESIST! I AM YOUR CREATOR! I AM YOUR KING! I AM MOJO JOJO! OBEY MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!''''' * ''[covers the Professor's mouth]'' Shut up! I was afraid of this. They've returned and found out just what their powers can ''really'' do. ''[dragging him away]'' Come! You will make a good "Power-proof" vest! * ''[tilting the Professor's neck to stop the Girls from attacking him]'' That's better. It's good you little freaks know when you're beaten. Now if you'll excuse me, I, Mojo Jojo, have a town to take over. I have a world to conquer! I have to seize control of an area and force its inhabitants to follow ''my'' way of thinking! * [[Ken Livingstone|Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,]] I, Mojo Jojo, have succeeded in my first, greatest, and most brilliant plan ever! And I, Mojo Jojo, '''SHALL BE ''KING!''''' ==Dialogue== :''[A shot of the skyline of Townsville at night. Amidst the shadows and lighted windows of the skyscrapers, a light emanates from the center of the shot]'' :'''Narrator''': ''[first lines]'' The city of Townsville... :''[An [[w:explosion|explosion]] is heard, and a [[w:red|red]] [[w:hue|hue]] emanates down on Townsville streets. An alarm is heard in the distance]'' :'''Narrator''': ...is in some serious, serious, ''serious'' trouble! :''[The camera zooms in on a burning building, followed by a donut shop, and several other buildings. The alarm continues in the background]'' :'''Narrator''': Day after day, ''crime,'' ''lawlessness'' and ''evil'' are running rampant. It's citizens have lost all hope. They are utterly helpless and in desperate need of a true hero. But who? Is there no one who can help this forsaken town and make it a better place? :''[The camera transitions to a long shot of a [[w:grocery store|grocery store]] aisle, with a light music background, as the Professor slowly walks into the scene, rising high above the camera]'' :'''Narrator''': Fear not, fair viewers, for there is a man, a man of science. A forward-thinking man who looks back, back to a sweeter time, when there was a spice to life, and everything was... :''[Fuzzy Lumpkins cocks an elephant gun at the distressed cashier woman]'' :'''Narrator''': Nice. :''[The woman nervously hands Fuzzy the [[w:money|money]] as he smiles evilly. The Professor looks on in sadness and slumps his back as he exits]'' :'''Narrator''': I must profess, sir, this man holds the ingredients to Townsville’s salvation! :''[The Professor looks back in fear, confronted by the imposing Gangreen Gang]'' :'''Narrator''': This man is known simply as... :''[Ace lands a punch to the Professor’s face as the view cuts to black]'' :'''Narrator''': the Professor. :''[The scene cuts to an extreme close-up of Jojo's face, screeching wildly in a psychotic frenzy. He's in a laboratory in the basement of the Professor's suburban home. Jojo leaps from table to table to floor, destroying beakers and other fragile objects in his wake in his crazed rampage. Pan to the Professor, grocery bag in one hand and head in the other, looking very tired and distressed from what happened outside Malph's with the Gangreen Gang as he watches Jojo's destruction with a distant sadness. As each scene pauses, Jojo destroys a [[w:Television|TV]], unreels an old-fashioned magnetic tape computer, removes papers from a file cabinet, destroys a glass tubing set by hanging on it until it collapses from the stress, and punches a wall [[w:clock|clock]] while the Professor adds in the infamous ingredients of [[w:What Are Little Boys Made Of?|Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice]], and mixes it in angles similar to the cartoon opening. Jojo pushes the Professor in the back, causing his stirring rod to smash into a beaker of thick black liquid suspended over the pot. The words "Chemical X" are seen in black lettering as the liquid drains from the beaker. The Professor stands hunched over the concoction, a look of combined horror and fascination written on his face as it bubbles and churns in an eerily pink glow. Sensing the reaction becoming more agitated, he backs away from the pot, as Jojo looks on in curiosity. The Professor runs for cover, as Jojo's watches the now violently bubbling mixture, fixated, pretty much staring at it up close, oblivious to what is about to happen. A loud explosion is heard as the screen cuts to black again. Each familiar giggle from three little girls is heard. The Professor is thrown back into the wall from the explosion. He lifts his head and opens his eyes to look up at something, then bolts to his feet. He approaches the creations with his eyes wide and jaw dropped, he cocks his head. From the Professor's point of view, [[w:3|three]] adorable, pint-sized [[w:Girl|girls]] with big heads and eyes, and stubby arms and legs face him, smiling. They have different hairstyles, colored dresses which match their irises, matching socks and shoes, and the first girl has a red bow on her hair]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[first words]'' Hi! :''[The Professor screams]'' :'''Blossom''': What's your name? :'''Professor''': ''[first words]'' Oh. Um, my name is, um… Uh, Professor. Professor Utonium. Hello. :''[He bows to the girls with a shrug]'' :'''Girls''': Hello, Professor Utonium, it's very nice to meet you. :'''Professor''': It's very nice to meet you too. Um, uh, what are ''your'' names? :'''Blossom''': Well, you made us. So shouldn't we also ''name'' us? :'''Professor''': Um, OK. Oh, this is so cool. Well, now, let's see. Because of your directness and opening right up to me, I think I'll call you Blossom. :''[The pink girl, Blossom, looks pleased. As the blue girl giggles, Blossom and the green girl watch her with puzzled looks]'' :'''Professor''': Well, aren't you all cute and bubbly? That's it, you'll be my little Bubbles. So, we have Blossom, Bubbles and… :''[The green girl, who is about to be named, blinks patiently]'' :'''Professor''': Buttercup. Because it also begins with a B. :'''Buttercup''': ''[first words]'' Hmph. :''[Buttercup glares as she crosses her arms]'' :'''Professor''': And together, you're 3 perfect, little g-- G-- '''Gifts!''' Birthday! It's your birthday, I should get gifts! :''[The Professor runs upstairs]'' :'''Professor''': Wow, I can't believe it! I wanted to create some kids I could teach good and bad, right and wrong, and in turn, maybe they'd do some good for this terrible town, and now I can! :''[The Utonium house is a three-blocked house with a tall middle piece with no windows]'' :'''Professor''': All I've gotta do is be a good parent! :''[He drives his car away from the house for a moment, then returns]'' :'''Professor''': Note to self - good parents don't leave their kids home alone. :''[The Professor runs back downstairs to the lab with wrapped gifts]'' :'''Professor''': Sugar, spice and everything nice? Who would've guessed that's what girls are actually made of? I still can't believe it worked, that I've actually made 3 perfect little girls! 3 perfect, normal little g-- :''[The Professor slips off the stairs and falls as he screams. From a flash of pink light, Blossom catches him]'' :'''Blossom''': Professor, you should be more careful when you're coming down the steps. You could get hurt. :''[Buttercup and Bubbles each hold 3 wrapped presents with each color]'' :'''Buttercup''': Hey, are these for us? :''[The Professor nods and the girls each zoom off]'' :'''Buttercup''': Yeah! :'''Bubbles''': ''[first words]'' Yippee! :'''Blossom''': Thanks, Professor! :''[The Professor lifts a hand as if to say something then drops to his knees as he watches the girls rapidly rip the wrapping paper off of the gifts while laughing and giggling. He looks over at the broken beaker of Chemical X, then smiles]'' :'''Buttercup''': ''[holding a pile of various [[w:Toy|toys]]'' Hey, thanks! :'''Blossom''': ''[holding a [[w:globe|globe]] of the Earth on a stack of books]'' Yes, Professor, thank you! :'''Bubbles''': ''[holds a plush [[w:purple|purple]] [[w:octopus|octopus]] with a [[w:top hat|top hat]], whose name is Octi]'' This is the best gift ever, Dad. :''[She kisses his cheek and floats upward. The Professor smiles warmly and looks up at his newly created daughters]'' :'''Professor''': Yes, it is. :''[The camera slowly pulls back, with the girls flying happily above the Professor. We see a profile of Jojo, his silhouetted brain obviously sticking far out of his skull, a definite side-effect of when he was looking too closely at the mixture that created the girls when it blew. He does not know what to make of this, and slowly skulks away into the darkness. The view fades to black. Snap to the exterior of the house the next day. Inside, the Professor and the girls are in an empty room whose floor is covered with tarps. Each of the four has a paint roller, and cans and a flat paint pan are nearby.]'' :'''Professor''': Okay, girls, now watch me! :''[He paints a pink streak on the wall; the screen immediately fills with splashes of the same color as the girls catch on. A moment more and they have stopped—the room is completely pink from floor to ceiling, but he is nowhere to be seen. His outline appears against the fresh coat of paint, and he steps away from the wall; his entire back half has been painted pink, while the area shielded by his body has not. He turns his head to look back at them, revealing his face as another area that did not get painted. The girls clap their hands to their mouths in surprise.]'' :'''Professor''': ''[chuckling]'' I think you missed a spot! :''[He runs the roller over his face; they have a good laugh at this. Now he heads for the door, the bare spot having been painted—as was the rest of his front from the neck down, apparently.]'' :'''Professor''': I'll go wash up, then we'll bring in the furniture. :''[This, then, is to be the girls’ bedroom. Close-up of the bathroom sink, where he is washing his hands, then pull back to frame him and his reflection in the mirror. He has taken off his lab coat, rolled up his shirt sleeves, and scrubbed all the paint off. In the open doorway behind him, we see the girls flash past and down over the railing at the top of the stairs. The sound causes him to look up in surprise; cut to outside the door as he steps out and dries his face with a towel.]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, wait! You should let me.... :''[He trails off as the camera pulls back. Pieces of furniture are being hurled into view from the ground floor, flying over the railing and neatly through the open bedroom door.]'' :'''Professor''': ''[bewildered]'' ....help? :''[When the barrage of home furnishings ends, the girls fly in after it. Cut to inside the room, which has now been made up as we know it on the show—including the vanity with heart-shaped mirror and the wide bed with three-color blanket. The Professor walks in to have a look around as the girls float overhead. He has ditched his towel.]'' :'''Professor''': Whoa-ho-ho! This looks pretty good! What do you think? :'''Bubbles''': Hmm...I think it's a little dark. :'''Buttercup''': Well, I like it dark. :'''Blossom''': Some windows might be nice. :'''Professor''': Yeah. I could see some windows ''[walking into view, indicating a spot]'' right about here. I'll call a contractor tomo- ''[cuts himself off suddenly; back to the girls, whose eyes have begun to glow red, their lasers warm up. Cut to the exterior of the house as their beams, in a row, pierce the wall and trace out one large circle each. The cut sections tumble to the front lawn after the girls stop firing; inside, the Professor cowers near one of the openings, his hair singed and total shock written all over his face. The cut edges still glow red from the heat, and wisps of smoke rise around him]'' Or, heh, that works, too. ''[the red glow stops; he regains his composure]'' Who's hungry? :''[Cut to the kitchen]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[holding a loaf of bread]'' Ready? :'''Bubbles and Buttercup''': ''[holding 2 jars of peanut butter and jelly]'' Ready. :'''Blossom''': Go! :''[She machine-guns slices of bread at her sisters, who in turn fire back with globs of peanut butter and jelly. When he closes the fridge and turns to face the camera, with an armload of milk and fruit, he throws himself back against the door to try and avoid the barrage. The components collide in midair and fall to the kitchen table to form a tall stack of PB&J sandwiches; the girls, sitting around the table, then strafe this with their eye lasers and the crusts fall off, neatly trimmed. They are a bit taken aback at the approach of the Professor, whose splattered face and clothes show that he was unable to get out of the line of fire. He smiles and sets down a tray with three glasses of milk and the carton. Cut to the exterior of the house as the laughter of all four makes itself heard from inside. It dies away after a moment, and the sky fades into evening while the house lights come on. Inside, he walks into the living room and wipes his hands on a towel. He has cleaned up and again taken off the coat and rolled up his sleeves]'' :'''Professor''': Okay, girls. Time for... ''[once again he stops short; this time, the reason is that all three of them have completely conked out. Blossom, on the floor, has books and notes piled around her; Buttercup is on the couch, with various action toys nearby and the TV remote in her hand; Bubbles, also on the floor, has crayons and paper scattered about, and Octi is nearby as well. Close-up of Blossom, panning to each of the others in the order given; softly]'' ...bed. :''[Cut to the bathroom, where he washes Blossom's face, then to the bed, where he pulls Buttercup's nightgown down over her arms. The last one seen is Bubbles, already in bed and with her clothes changed. He reaches down and tucks Octi under her arm; she smiles and snuggles with the doll. None of the girls looks anywhere close to being awake in this sequence. With all three in bed, he pulls up the blanket to cover them - this is the first time we can see the headboard, which has its trademark pink heart but no PPG initials as in the series. Cut to the bedroom door; now looking tenderly in from outside, he switches off the lights and pulls it shut behind him as the scene fades to black. Snap to the living room, the camera angled up to frame the second-story balcony. The Professor walks away from the door and down the stairs. As he sets to the job of tidying up the clutter left by the girls, he picks up one of Bubbles' drawings and looks at it. His expression melts into one of gentle affection; after a moment, cut to a close-up of the drawing, a rough, scribbly crayon rendition of all four. Fade to black]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Snap to the exterior of the house the next morning. Inside, the Professor approaches the girls’ bed, their dresses over his arm, and they wake up]'' :'''Professor''': Wake up, girls, Time for school. :'''Girls''': What's school? :''[The exterior of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten, with the Professor's car parked on the street in front. He and the girls are near the open classroom door, and Ms. Keane is hunched down to the girls. We can hear the other kids in the class laughing and playing inside]'' :'''Ms. Keane''': This is school. I'm your teacher, Ms. Keane, and this is where kids come to learn. ''[gesturing toward door]'' See? :''[Inside, the other kids are doing various things: reading, drawing, playing with toys, and so forth. Mitch Mitchellson and Harry Pitt are among them. One boy approaches]'' :'''Boy''': Hey, you wanna play? :''[The girls think it over for a moment, then look eagerly up at Ms. Keane, who nods happily. Giggling, they follow the boy]'' :'''Professor''': ''[nervously]'' Um...do you think they'll be okay? 'Cause I'm new at this parenting thing, and I wanted to come and meet you and see them off on their first day 'cause they're really special. I mean, really special, and I just want to make sure they'll be okay. So what do you think? Do you think they'll be...okay? :'''Ms. Keane''': They'll be just fine, Professor. We'll see you at noon. :'''Professor''': Okay. Bye, girls! Bye! Bye! Bye-bye! Bye! Bye! :''[Through this last, she rolls her eyes and pushes him gently but firmly out the door. Walking back in, she closes it and turns her attention to the class]'' :'''Ms. Keane''': Okay, class, take your seats. :'''Girl 1''': Ms. Keane, can Blossom sit with us? :'''Girl 2''': ''[pulls Bubbles]'' Can we sit with Bubbles? :'''Mitch Mitchelson''': Can Buttercup sit over here? :'''Ms. Keane''': ''[gathers up the girls to the center where they sit at the table]'' The girls can sit right here in the middle, so they'll be next to everyone! :'''Class''': Yay! :'''Ms. Keane''': ''[now at the chalkboard]'' Now, let's begin! :''[Keane focus on the clock, which fades from 9 am to noon. She hears a knock on the door. It's the Professor, waving sheepishly with a silly grin]'' :'''Keane''': Hello, Professor, right on time! Your girls are right outside with the other children. :''[The Professor spies the messy classroom, and becomes distraught]'' :'''Professor''': Oh no! Look at this mess! Ohh, I knew the girls would be a handful, but I'm so sorry. :'''Keane''': What, this? ''[scoffs]'' This is what happens when you put 20 little kids in one room. Your girls were perfect. Perfect, normal, well-behaved little girls. :'''Professor''': Nothing out of the ordinary? :'''Keane''': No, like what? :''[The scene cuts to the girls, with another child, named Kim. Buttercup and Blossom watch on as Bubbles plays hopscotch, throwing a stone to the second square and hopping there. Blossom approves while Buttercup frowns]'' :'''Blossom''': That was sweet! :'''Buttercup''': What's the point of this game anyway? :''[Mitch runs up, and bumps Kim]'' :'''Mitch''': [[w:Tag (game)|Tag!]] You're it! :''[Kim giggles as she runs after him. The kids all run away from the girl in a circular pattern, while the Utonium kids stand still in confusion]'' :'''Blossom''': Whoa! Everyone's running from that girl! It's like she's been infected! :'''Buttercup''': Maybe she's a freak. :'''Bubbles''': Yeah, and they hate her! :''[A nondescript girl appears, and touches Bubbles on the arm. She looks very distressed]'' :'''Girl #3''': Tag, you're it! :'''Bubbles''': Oh no! I've been infected! :''[Mitch walks in.]'' :'''Mitch''': All right, what's going on here? :'''Bubbles''': I've been infected. :'''Mitch''': ''[smacks head]'' You're not infected, it's just a game! :'''Bubbles''': It is? :'''Mitch''': Yeah! :'''Blossom''': A game; neat! :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, how do we play? :'''Mitch''': ''[groans]'' OK, look. It's very simple. Bubbles, tag me. :''[He outstretches his arm to Bubbles. She looks hesitantly at it.]'' :'''Mitch''': Come on, it's okay. :''[Very slowly, she reaches forward and pokes him quickly before quickly withdrawing]'' :'''Mitch''': All right, now I'm it. And all you gots to do to play is tag someone else. :''[He tags Buttercup]'' :'''Mitch''': And they're it! :''[He walks out and back]'' :'''Mitch''': By the way, you're it! :''[He runs off. Buttercup shakes her arms]'' :'''Buttercup''': Awesome, I'm it! What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?! :'''Mitch''': ''[running away]'' Just tag someone else! And ''they're'' it! :''[Buttercup looks at him a bit uncertainly. Then her eyes shift over to her sisters, as her brows furrow in a mischievously wicked smile. Blossom and Bubbles look at each other uneasily, then back at Buttercup, nervous smiles planted on their faces. Then run off slowly, as Buttercup breaks into a big smile and pursues them. The other two girls giggle as they run. Looking back, Blossom sees her green sister catching up to them]'' :'''Blossom''': Time to put it into overdrive, Bubbles! :''[The duo speed up in tempo with the music, quickly passing by Ms. Keane, the Professor, and the other school children. Buttercup senses this and likewise increases her speed. The other two girls see where this is going, and again increase their speed, their eyes clenched shut in concentration. As the girls continue to increase their speed, the music reaches a frantic pace, and the scenery becomes a speedy blur. As Buttercup races forward, a green trail begins to emanate behind her, and a streak of fire issues from her feet. Bubbles, blissfully unaware of her sister's proximity, is caught unawares as Buttercup gives her a full-force shove, sending her careening out of control]'' :'''Buttercup''': Tag! You're IT! :''[Accentuating her last word, Bubbles is sent grinding into the pavement and blasting a huge wall into the side of the school. The schoolyard audience leaps back in shock and fear. Bubbles comes bursting out of the roof in a blue parabolic arc, feet jackknifing downwards as she falls]'' :'''Bubbles''': I'm gonna tag you guys now! :''[The other girls quickly break through the schoolyard fence, narrowly avoiding capture as Bubbles slams into the pavement, creating a dust cloud and a large crater. As she slowly pops her head out of the hole, Buttercup and Blossom are a good ten yards away, standing straight and looking at their deposed sister]'' :'''Buttercup''': Haha! You missed us! :''[Bubbles stands there pensively for a moment, then quickly smashes them into a house across the street.]'' :'''Bubbles''': Haha! Tag! You're it! :''[The scene zooms back to show the desiccated house and the skyline of Townsville. As the girls' voices fade out, the results of their mayhem become apparent, as explosions, crashes, flying trees, cars, and cows evidence their destruction]'' :'''Blossom''': No! No, I'm not! Tag, you're it! :'''Buttercup''': Tag! :'''Blossom''': Missed me! No, you're it! :'''Buttercup''': Missed me! :'''Blossom''': Tag! :'''Bubbles''': Tag! :'''Buttercup''': Gotcha! :'''Blossom''': Missed me! :''[Their voices trail off into the distance, as a slow pan shows the school children looking onward in gaping astonishment and shock at what they just witnessed. The scene zooms in on the Professor and Ms. Keane. As the teacher stares blankly at what has just transpired, the Professor grins sheepishly again, and takes this convenient opportunity to leave unnoticed through the quite-ample new doorway. The scene cuts to the Professor rushing off from home in his car. His license plate reads "PRFDADY" (a reference to either the words "Professor, Daddy", or a sly reference to Craig McCracken's handle "Puff-Daddy" on PPG forums.) Bubbles and Buttercup, flying at super speed, rush through the city and over a sign that reads, "You are now leaving the City of Townsville".]'' :'''Bubbles''': Whee! :''[Blossom busts right through the sign, clearly the one who is it. The Professor, moments too late, speeds down the nearby street.]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, no! Wait! :''[Bubbles and Buttercup zip around buildings to avoid their tagged sister. The view focuses in on Blossom, hairbow swept back by the wind as she makes several hairpin turns. In a rear view, as she starts to catch up to her other sisters, they speed up, setting all three off in a dazzling whirl of 90 degree turns through the city streets. As they fly, they drag items from papers to cars in the vacuum of their wake. A red ball is also seen bouncing merrily along. At one point, Blossom gasps and grinds her feet to a halt in front of two very surprised people. Using her super hearing, accentuated by animated sonar waves, Blossom cups her arm to her ear, hearing Buttercup's joyful laughter, and a taunting "can't catch me" from Bubbles. (The building reads 801 a reference to PPG801, the codename and web address for the PPG movie before the official website.) Pausing momentarily to decide where to go, Blossom zips off to the right, leaving the two onlookers to stare at her trail, before narrowly avoiding the flying debris that strikes the building's front, notably a car, whose collision is accentuated from several angles. The Professor, still in control of his vehicle, is not far behind, hanging a hard right to follow Blossom. His face is marked with worry.]'' :'''Professor''': Oh no! :''[The same red ball bumps into the Professor's car and continues down Blossom's path. The scene changes to Blossom, keeping her at a fixed distance and focus as she nimbly zooms down city streets. As the camera stops, the roadway behind her glows red and cracks, erupting into flaming debris. Becoming more careless now, Blossom zigzags down a street, leaving a canyon-sized streak behind her. The scene briefly shifts to Buttercup, who has chosen to flee by flying. At a three-way intersection, Buttercup turns left, and the rampaging Blossom just passes her on the straightaway. Turning back o.c., she pummels her way back down Buttercup's path. Following Blossom fixedly behind again, she pursues her flying sister down several twisting streets. Inside a car, a tall thin long-haired young male driver and his shorter, fatter black-haired male friend cry out as the two girls zoom out right in front of them and into busy traffic. (Their appearance could be a reference to Jay and Silent Bob, makers of and actors in such fine titles as Clerks and Mallrats) The driver brakes hard and jerks left, ramming into a large store windowpane. Destroying several more cars, Blossom admires her handiwork, then gasps as she looks forward and notices the traffic jam in front of her. She narrowly zigs between the car lanes, and up onto the side of the adjacent buildings, leaving a similar gouging pattern behind her. The view adjusts sideways, as Blossom runs parallel to the ground across the buildings. Bubbles, for her part, seems to be enjoying this immensely, eyes closed and arms outstretched as she lets out a girlish "whee!" Blossom sees her fly by in the opposite direction, and returning to the ground again, she briefly stops at a street corner before returning alternately to the buildings and ground. Now on her blonde sister's tracks, she pursues the unseen Bubbles down several more streets. Something catches her attention, and she stops, looking upwards with a gasp. The camera focuses in on her head. Her pupils contract rapidly, with a sound similar to a lens instrument focusing in on a distant object. It's a large glass dome ball atop a building, similar in form to a disco ball. Seeing Bubbles' trail in its reflective surface, Blossom zooms in closer and closer to calculate her sister's location]'' :'''Blossom''': Subway, huh? :''[Her eyes re-dilate, and she scopes the nearest subway entrance, and she darts down the tunnel in a spiral fashion, leaving her customary trail. Bubbles is still blissfully unaware of her would-be captor, continuing to fly without heed to direction. Blossom exits the subway and stands confidently at its exit. Bubbles gasps, suddenly aware of her sister's plot, and hitting the pavement, grinds to a halt mere inches from her sister]'' :'''Blossom''': Tag! You're it! :''[She flies off slowly, an air of smugness written all over her as she blows a raspberry at Bubbles, who for her part takes this in for a moment, then looks quite angry, bursting upwards at high velocity and leaving a massive crater behind her. The debris hits several buildings, and narrowly misses the Professor's car. He gasps as he spots the girls]'' :'''Professor''': There they are! :''[Before he can finish, he hits the crater left by Bubbles, and his car does a complete backflip with a perfect landing. The red ball hits his car again]'' :'''Blossom''': Watch out, here she comes! :''[Bubbles is now the pursuer. Narrowly missing her sisters, she backpedals by pushing off of the glass globe, which we can now clearly see is the logo of Olive Corp. The impact shatters the narrow base, and the sphere rolls off the building top. As pedestrians scream in horror, the globe smashes into a street way and starts rolling downwards, the surroundings mirrored in its surface. It hits a building at a street corner, and turns onto another road, smashing stores left and right as it bumps back-and-forth down the street. A distant shot shows the girls continuing to flee from Bubbles, smashing into various buildings along the way. As they head towards ground, the force of one impact actually causes the road to curl upwards, sending cars hurling upwards as the wave of asphalt hits them. Buttercup, stationary, pops her head out from behind a corner building, laughing to herself for giving her sisters the slip]'' :'''Buttercup''': Hah, suckers! :''[The road wave reaches Buttercup, and she is sent spinning vertically into the air, with a blank expression on her face. Bubbles zooms up to her and tags her just at the height of her climb]'' :'''Bubbles''': Tag, you're it! :''[The scene cuts to inside a rather swank looking home high above the city, where a smooth-talking gentleman is wooing a young lady. A car is seeing hurtling towards the room's full-wall windows]'' :'''Smooth Man''': You know, I've got a nice car. :''[The scene cuts away right before the car hits, and from down below, the Professor looks upwards at the high-story impact, as glass rains down on his car. He spies the girls, finally stopped, high in the air in a circle]'' :'''Professor''': Huh? :''[Blossom and Bubbles tag Buttercup]'' :'''Both''': Tag, you're it! :'''Buttercup''': Hey! :''[The two girls disappear behind a post-modern style building, and Buttercup, looking left and right, gives a banshee scream as she angrily realizes she's lost them. Tired of playing around, she smashes a beeline right through several buildings. Blossom and Bubbles are standing calmly above a building similar to the Seattle Space Needle]'' :'''Blossom''': She'll never find us up here! :''[Buttercup smashes through several more buildings in a fury of anger]'' :'''Blossom''': Do you hear something? :''[The pursuer smashes through a sign labeled gas, which for some reason, is actually filled with a flammable substance. She zooms forward, trailing the edge of the giant fireball billowing out behind her]'' :'''Blossom''': Whoa! Run! :''[As the two anxiously flee, Buttercup zooms behind them and taps them both. Their forms are silhouetted behind the massive fireball emanating in the background]'' :'''Buttercup''': Tag, you're both it! :''[The three stop, and argue as a fire rages on behind them]'' :'''Blossom''': Hey! We can't both be it! :'''Buttercup''': Why not? :''[Bubbles touches Blossom]'' :'''Bubbles''': Tag! :'''Blossom''': What?! I can't be it twice! :'''Bubbles''': Why not? :'''Blossom''': OK then, tag! Now you guys are it! :'''Buttercup''': ''[to Bubbles]'' Tag! :'''Bubbles''': ''[to the other two]'' Tag! :'''Buttercup''': Hey, no tag backs! ''[to Blossom]'' Tag! :'''Blossom''': ''[to Bubbles]'' Tag! :'''Girls''': Tag, tag, tag, tag, tag, tag, tag! :''[The Professor turns a corner and screeches to a halt. He has a good view of the girls from a giant hole through several buildings]'' :'''Girls''': Tag, tag, tag! You're it! No, you're it! :''[They take off again, in an elaborate design of flying patterns, as the scene slowly pulls back, moving inside a stately room, where the Mayor looks at the raging destruction]'' :'''Mayor of Townsville''': Oh, boy. :''[The Mayor throws open a set of large double doors, his now-visible face revealing a [[w:Hair loss|bald head]], top hat, [[w:white|white]] [[w:moustache|mustache]] and single [[w:Monocle|monocle]] with one eye clenched shut. A sash across his chest says "Mayor". As he scuttles his small legs across the red-carpeted floor, he continues to chant to himself]'' :'''Mayor of Townsville''': Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. ''[the girls again. Now the Professor has to dodge wrecked cars and craters as he drives. Cut to a set of doors at the top of a staircase inside Townsville Hall; these are thrown open by the Mayor, who then descends the steps]'' Oh boy. :'''Sara Bellum''': ''[catches him up to him with a clipboard in her hand]'' "Oh boy" is right, Mayor. It's terrible, the town is being destroyed by three girls with freakish powers. This is a very serious situation. What action do you propose we take? :''[The action continues to switch between the girls, Professor, and Mayor once more. Several concerned businessmen are shoving papers in Bellum's off-screened face]'' :'''Ms. Bellum''': Don't worry, gentlemen, the Mayor and I have the situation under control. :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy. :'''Ms. Bellum''': I know, sir. :''[The scenes rotate again. Now, a large crowd of people is surrounding the two politicians]'' :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy. :'''Ms. Bellum''': You tell them, Mayor. Townsville will not stand for this kind of behavior. :''[The scenes rotate again. Now, the mayoral group is outside, led by the diminutive public official]'' :'''Ms. Bellum''': Uh, Mayor? Hello? City being destroyed? Where are you going? :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy! :'''Ms. Bellum''': Mayor, what are you doing? We're in a serious pickle. :'''Mayor''': Exactly. :''[The group stops mid-stride. The mayor is in front of a food cart. The Professor rushes behind the girls.]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, no! :''[The vendor is seen busying himself inside the food cart]'' :'''Mayor''': [clears throat] Hello. :''[The vendor pops his head out. He looks like the Mayor, but with a [[w:Black|black]] mustache, a bad Italian hat, and an even worse Italian accent]'' :'''Cucor''': Hello. :'''Mayor''': The usual, Cucor. :''[At this point, we can see that Cucor's nose looks like a giant bumpy pickle]'' :'''Cucor''': ''[approving smack; mwah]'' Ahh, yes. I have a fine vintage for you here. Picked fresh today. :''[Heavenly music plays as a detailed view of a moist green [[w:Pickled cucumber|pickle]] is lofted high with a pair of tongs, brine dripping off its bumpy surface]'' :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy! :''[Glimpses show the continually tagging girls and the Mayor slowly bringing the pickle towards his mustachioed lips. As the girls barrel forward, they strike the pickle cart outside Town Hall, the resultant explosion blasting everyone backward. As the smoke clears, it reveals a giant impact crater left by the girls' impact, and the vendor cart demolished. The girls are lying down in the center, laughing giddily and rapidly talking about the game. The Professor runs into the scene and over the pile of dazed bodies]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, girls, are you OK? :''[All three get up and touch the Professor]'' :'''Girls''': Tag! You're it, Professor! ''[laughing]'' :''[Somber music plays as the Mayor is shown lying prostrate on the ground, his beloved pickle tumbled out of his grasp. In a long zoom out from Town Hall, the true extent of destruction is shown, as the glass ball smashes into another building and comes to a halt. The camera does an extreme zoom out, showing the entire city of Townsville, and revealing the true extent of the damage. Buildings are pockmarked with house-sized holes, and the Space Needle building's top takes this opportunity to fall over and jabs into the ground like an oversized dart]'' <hr width=50%> :''[A stack of newspapers hits the street. It's the Townsville Tribune. On the top half of the cover is a cut-off picture of Buttercup, with the words "Freaky Bug-Eyed Weirdo Girls Broke Everything" in large bold print, ala New York Times. In the shadows of an alley, the pink eyes of Jojo are seen reading the paper. (The paper is a wealth of inside jokes. The face of Craig McCracken, the series creator, is seen in a watermark in the upper left corner. The paper also reads July 3rd the opening date of the Powerpuff movie. And the back has a picture of a Gorillaz poster.) Jojo's voice has obviously lowered]'' :'''Jojo''': Hmm. ''[laughing maniacally]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The girls' reflections are mirrored in the large glass dome as they walk by it. The camera zooms in on Buttercup]'' :'''Buttercup''': Well, it's official. I have no idea where we are. :'''Blossom''': Well, I can't say it's been the best day. :'''Bubbles''': But it probably couldn't get much worse. :''[On the cue, it starts to rain hard. Buttercup starts to yell out and Bubbles begins to cry.]'' :'''Blossom''': Hey, it's OK. Maybe there's a box we can get in around back. Come on. :''[The girls walk behind what looks like Malph's Market]'' :'''Blossom''': See, there’s a whole bunch of boxes. <hr width=50%> :''[After Jojo, who is a hobo, saved the girls from the Gangreen Gang, they pursued him down the rainy alley. Jojo seeks refuge in a [[w:Box|box]]. As the girls run up searching in his direction, Blossom is the first to spot him]'' :'''Blossom''': Hey, guys, over here! Hi! What's your name? I'm Blossom. :'''Buttercup''': Buttercup. :'''Bubbles''': And I'm Bubbles! :'''Jojo''': ''[first words; with Japanese accent]'' Go away, please. Don't look at me. :'''Blossom''': But we just wanted to thank you for saving us from those green gangsters back there. :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, that was amazing with the trash can lid! It was all fwish, bang, crash, bam, boom! :'''Bubbles''': Yeah, you rock! :''[The scene slowly zooms in on Jojo. His eyes open in the darkness]'' :'''Jojo''': No, please, I dare not listen. For I have been lashed by harsh tongues for too long. Alas, my little ones, I do not rock. For I, Jojo, am a monster. :''[As Jojo scowls, lightning flashes briefly revealing his face]'' :'''Blossom''': You're not a monster. Monsters are evil. :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, and anybody who would save us like you did is so not evil. :'''Bubbles''': You're no monster, mister. You're just really dirty. :'''Jojo''': Please, you're just trying to make me feel better. But my pain is not for you to understand. Besides, how could you? For you are pure and innocent, and most certainly loved. :''[The girls glance at each other]'' :'''Jojo''': How could you know what it is to be cast out into a world that only offers misery? How could you know what it's like for people to fear and despise you for the very things that make you special? :''[The girls drop their heads in a silent understanding]'' :'''Jojo''': Because you don't fit in! Because you are... '''''A FREAK!!!!!!''''' :''[Jojo emerges from his box, his grocery bag in hand, revealing his huge brain after the explosion that originally created the girls]'' :'''Blossom''': Because... ''[as they float up a distance; cut to their perspective—he looks up, stunned]'' we're freaks, too. :''[Cut back to ground level, just behind Jojo]'' :'''Jojo''': What amazing powers! :'''Blossom''': No, they're terrible! :'''Jojo''': I'll bet everyone hates them. :'''Buttercup''': Yeah! :'''Jojo''': And they hate you, too? :'''Bubbles''': ''[small voice]'' Yes. :'''Jojo'''; ''[turns away, his eyes tearing up.]'' I am in the same boat. This brain is full of brilliant ideas! But will anyone listen? No. Nothing in this gray matters... ''[walking back into box]'' so what's the point? :''[The girls land in front of it]'' :'''Bubbles''': Oh, Jojo, don't be sad. ''[just inside; the girls are seen around his silhouette, and the rain stops]'' Our dad says that sometimes people get angry when they don't understand something special or unique. ''[as his eyes open—narrowed and calculating; he faces us]'' :'''Blossom''': And if you just give people time, they'll start to understand your specialness. ''[as he grins nastily]'' :''[Outside the box again; he pokes his head out]'' :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, you just gotta believe in yourself! :'''Jojo''': ''[eagerly, rapid-fire]'' You mean, if I take the time to construct my most ingenious plan, the-help-the-town-and-make-it-a-better-place-machine, then people will come to understand my specialness? :'''Buttercup''': Uhh... :'''Jojo''': Okay, I'll do it! But I'll need your help! :''[Long shot of the volcano in the middle of the park. There is no observatory on its peak. At this distance, neither the girls nor Jojo is visible]'' :'''Girls''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :''[Close-up of the crater, all four at its edge. Jojo has his bag on again and is holding a piece of equipment shaped like a large, thick, stubby pencil. Even though the weather is now calm, his scarf continues to billow under its own power—just like the cape that will ultimately replace it.]'' :'''Jojo''': Jump in, take this device and build it into the volcano - we need to harness the energy of the Earth's core for power! :'''Blossom''': What are you talking about? :'''Jojo''': The plan! :'''Buttercup''': What plan? :'''Jojo''': Our plan! :'''Bubbles''': To do what? :'''Jojo''': To make the town better, of course. :'''Girls''': What? :'''Jojo''': You know. ''[pulling out a blueprint]'' Using my ideas and your powers... ''[his perspective; he spreads out the plans in front of them. They show the observatory as we now know it, with detailed views of a cluster of globes and a cylindrical enclosure. Note; These plans carry the PPG-801 designation, and when Jojo moves his hand, we can see that they were approved by Cartoon Network Studios]'' we will build the help-the-town-and-make-it-a-better-place machine. That way everyone will see that our special abilities are good, then everyone will love us. Remember? It was ''your'' idea! :'''Blossom''': Uhh.. oh yeah! But use our powers? ''[Back and forth between Jojo and the girls]'' :'''Jojo''': Yes! :'''Buttercup''': No way! :'''Jojo''': Come on! :'''Bubbles''': Nuh-uh. We're never using our powers again. :'''Jojo''': Oh, girls, don't be sad. Your powers are great! You just gotta believe in yourself. :''[Jojo gives them a calculating, sly grin—the sort they would never trust if they had run into him before this encounter—and they look to each other, then toward the crater. Their images are reflected from the surface of the boiling lava within; from here, the camera tilts up to point across the crater and into the night. After a long moment, a tri-colored light streak flashes down from above and splashes into the volcano. Jojo grins broadly at the sight. Inside the volcano, the girls plunge through the lava, holding their breath and hauling the equipment. They go deeper and deeper as the glow from the subterranean heat finally turns pure white and fills the screen. The girls fade into view and let go of their payload, point down; it remains in place, the pointed end opens, and a small platform shoots up from the blunt end. Tethered to the body by a cable, it emerges from the core and zooms toward the surface, with the girls keeping pace. Back to the crater; they and the platform emerge, throwing gobbets of lava everywhere. Jojo pays no mind to the hazard, instead jumping for joy]'' :'''Jojo''': '''''YES!!! YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Blossom''': We did good? :'''Jojo''': You did very good. Very good indeed. ''[as his eyes shift slantily]'' :'''Buttercup''': Now what do we do? [as his perspective of the plans] :'''Jojo''': First, we construct the superstructure. :''[Cut to a frozen wasteland and pan across it as the girls fly into view. They land on a patch of snow and ice beneath which the outline of a large meteorite is dimly visible, then start firing their eye lasers at this. The screen fills with steam from the vaporizing snow; when it clears, the camera has shifted into the hole they have made, which is considerable. They step to the edge and look in for a moment before Buttercup slides down, the camera following. She disappears behind the meteorite, which begins to shake and then lift away from the snow under her efforts. Back to Jojo on the crater’s lip; now a support rod protrudes into view from the o.c. platform and is anchored to the interior wall. He gives directions as the camera pulls back to show the girls holding the meteorite above the platform. Other rods anchor it to the crater wall. From here, cut to Blossom and Buttercup in midair, firing their eye lasers toward the space debris as Bubbles holds it. A stream of liquid metal pours down from it to fill an I-beam mold being held in place by Jojo, who is giving more directions. Now we see a framework of such beams under construction. Buttercup swings one over so that Bubbles can weld it to another with her eye lasers; pan to Blossom, who is bending another one into an arc to connect with one already in place. She then zaps the joint. Pull back to a long shot of the volcano, which now has the lower portion of what will become the observatory in place. Cut to the ocean floor as the girls dive toward it; sunken ships dot the view. They zip among and through several of the wrecks before arriving at a submarine whose windows glow with light, even though there is a large rip in the hull. This is promptly lifted free, and the lights flicker and go out as their source—a school of angler fish, each with a small light on the end of a stalk extending from the head—emerges and swims away. Around the sub, the scene dissolves to the night sky; the girls are holding it above the partially completed dome support frame. Jojo calls instructions from its base. Cut to a close-up of Bubbles, now standing on the floor with a beam slung over her shoulder, and pull back to show the sub now held up by her sisters as their boss looks on. She swings the beam, breaking the hull like a piñata and releasing a shower of components. Blossom and Buttercup fly back and forth and catch as many falling pieces as they can, Jojo looks over two of them, and Bubbles watches happily. He plugs two cords together and is rewarded with the glow of vacuum tubes; pull back as the walls and floor in the now-completed dome start to glow green and flash. Main power is functioning, much to the delight of all four. Jojo is at a partially built control panel in the center of the floor, with cables running toward the walls. Long shot of the volcano; now the observatory exterior has taken on its current form, complete with telescope. The girls fly away from the city, and the scene dissolves around them to a desert. Flying together in a tight circle, they create a tornado to stir up clouds of sand that fill the screen. These give way to the observatory’s interior, where the sand they picked up during this run lies in drifts near the wall. Jojo directs the girls’ work as they melt the material with their eye lasers; dissolve to them in midair, blowing the molten glass. Each ends up with a large globe that has a thin tube attached. Note: There is no dialogue through the preceding six paragraphs, and the girls’ actions are marked only by the occasional musical sound effect. Jojo wrenches on a piece of machinery. During the next line, cut to the girls as they attach the globes to a large central hub and heat-seal the joints]'' :'''Jojo''': ''[with mounting fervor]'' Look! Can't you see our plan is working? Our work is proceeding as planned! At last, our lives will be better! :''[Back to him, standing among a row of metal bases running along the wall. The girls descend into view and each set a bell-jar-shaped glass cover onto a base to create a holding tank such as that seen in the blueprint’s details]'' :'''Jojo''': At last, we will be accepted! ''[his perspective of the blueprint’s main drawing]'' At last, our greatest work is comple... :''[On the end of this, the paper is lowered o.c. to show the interior of the completed observatory. The tanks run around the chamber’s entire perimeter, electrodes fitted to their tops, and floor cables radiate out from center to walls. The assembly of globes, also matching the blueprint’s details, is suspended within a huge globe that hangs above the completed control panel. A cable or tube runs from the underside of this to the top of each tank. Back to Jojo and the girls. He is looking intently at the plans]'' :'''Jojo''': Oops. :'''Blossom''': What's wrong? :'''Jojo''': ''[sweetly]'' Well, there is one last, teeny tiny, itsy bitsy thing we still need. :''[Close-up of a flask of Chemical X, then pull back to show it in the Professor’s lab. The girls fly into view and stop in front of it; cut to the exterior of the house as they fly out through the front door, then to a long shot of the observatory as they return. It is now the following day. Inside, they stop in front of Jojo and Blossom shows him the flask, freshly purloined from the lab. He smiles and points up; the camera follows as the girls fly to the top of the huge outer globe and set the flask in a socket up there. On the ground, Jojo begins to jump for joy again]'' :'''Jojo''': '''''YES!!! YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Blossom''': We did good? :'''Jojo''': ''[as the girls descend]'' You did very good. Very good indeed. :'''Buttercup''': Now what do we do? :'''Jojo''': Well, because you've done so good, I've got a special surprise! :''[Snap to black, which resolves into the back of Buttercup’s head backing away from the camera. All three girls run toward the entrance of the Townsville Zoo, while Jojo walks behind]'' :'''Girls''': Yay! ''[as he moves farther away from the camera, his back comes into view—he is holding a camera behind it. Cut to the girls at a low wall] :'''Girls''': Ohhhh... :''[Pull back on this; they are outside the elephant pen. Jojo pays no attention to the beasts. Cut to the girls at another wall, with him still not bothering to look] :'''Girls''': Ahhhh... :''[Again, pull back as they say this to show them now watching a couple of happy seals in a pond. Cut to them at yet another wall, with Jojo still disregarding the sights]'' :'''Girls''': Ooooh... :''[Pull back on this to frame an exhibit of lions, then cut to them flying down a path. They stop and squeal happily when they reach a sign indicating that the zebras are nearby, and they zip away in its direction. After a moment, Jojo walks into view from that direction, a quiet smile on his face and only his head and shoulders visible; cut to behind him so that we can now see three puzzled girls tucked under his arms. Pull back to show that they are on the way to Primate Plaza. Monkeys hang from a branch behind a fence as the four observe. The girls are enjoying the spectacle, but Jojo seems a bit down in the mouth. His face brightens as he holds up his camera. Cut to his perspective through its viewfinder; he steps back to get them into frame, along with the monkeys, and the view shifts to point over his shoulder at the girls. After a moment, he lowers the camera and waves to one side. His perspective again: they step away, finally moving out of frame altogether and leaving the viewfinder centered on a monkey’s rump. Back to Jojo, who gives a thumbs-up and clicks the shutter release, then to the viewfinder once more. Now only Bubbles and part of Blossom are in frame as the flash goes off. The monkey screeches, claps its hands to its rump, and drops out of sight. Another camera-eye view: the girls strike various goofy poses. Pan from them to a couple of baboons, the larger one yelling at the smaller. It stops and runs away when the flash goes off. Cut to yet another silly shot of the girls in the viewfinder, then shift quickly to a large-nosed proboscis monkey sitting in a tree. At the next flash, it tumbles from its perch. Normal shot: a few Japanese macaque monkeys sitting in a steaming lagoon. One of them is scratching at another’s fur and eating the lice it picks out. At a flash from the o.c. Jojo’s camera, the one being groomed starts screeching at the lice picker. Now an old orangutan is seen eating an apple; at the next flash, it spits out its mouthful. A small, light-furred monkey makes its way from vine to vine, but falls in fright upon having its picture taken. We next see a quick series of primates and simians, each of which starts in fear and shock when the flash goes off. The tempo of Jojo’s picture taking steadily increases until the subjects are flashing by. Cut to the left end of a poster showing the stages of man’s evolution. The girls, all o.c., read the one-word description of each stage as the camera pulls back and pans toward modern man, the seventh drawing at the far right]'' :'''Buttercup''': Worthless. :'''Blossom''': Lame. :'''Bubbles''': Stupid! :'''Buttercup''': Okay. :'''Blossom''': Better. :'''Bubbles''': Almost. :'''Girls''': Awesome! :''[Each drawing has a time period under its caption. L to R: 4.5 million BC, 3.5 million BC, 2.5 million BC, 2.1 million BC, 750,000 BC, 250,000 BC, today. The modern man wears a suit and carries a briefcase. Pull back from the poster to frame the girls and Jojo; the girls giggle at the depictions, but he looks away with pure contempt. His eyes suddenly go wide, and the camera pulls back some distance to show what he has seen: a large mountain gorilla sitting atop a rock. Grinning wickedly, he raises his camera and takes a picture. When the flash subsides, the view has shifted to zoom in quickly on a patch of fur, after which it pulls back to frame the entire creature. It grunts briefly in surprise and starts to scratch at a spot near its shoulder. Extreme close-up of this, moving slowly over to a small electronic component now embedded among the hairs—shot from the camera. It beeps and has a flashing red light, and its shape and details vaguely resemble the braincap that Jojo will ultimately adopt as his headgear. Back to Jojo, a satisfied smile on his face; he starts o.c.]'' :'''Jojo''': Come, girls, our work is fin... ''[Pull back; he passes the girls, who are watching animals that might be prairie dogs]'' ...oh I mean... ''[Close-up of them; he contnues o.c.]'' ...time to go. :'''Girls''': Awwww... :''[Cut to him walking toward the exit, with them trailing]'' :'''Girls''': But, Jojo! ''[pass a discarded baby rattle on the next lines]'' :'''Blossom''': We haven't seen the gazelles! :'''Buttercup''': Or the crocodiles! :'''Bubbles''': Or the unicorns! [pleading] Just one unico... ''[trips over the rattle and ends up flat on her face. A baby is heard crying o.c.; she turns to look for it, and the camera follows her gaze to show a mother and two children—a young boy and said infant—on their way out. She runs after them with the toy]'' Excuse me, ma'am. I think you dropped this. :''[On the end of this line, she reaches the mother; the boy looks at her with loathing writ large. Tilt up to the woman, whose face only shows more of the same. They’re mad at Bubbles because of the damage that Bubbles and her sisters caused to the city two days earlier. She snatches the rattle away and starts to drag the boy along behind her]'' :'''Mother''': ''[contemptuous little snort]'' I thought the zoo kept all the animals in cages! ''[tilt down to the girls; Blossom consoles Bubbles]'' :'''Buttercup''': ''[calling after mother]'' Yeah? Well, you're welcome, lady! :'''Blossom''': Don't listen, Bubbles. :''[Jojo’s shadow falls over all three]'' :'''Jojo''': ''[from o.c.]'' That's right, Bubbles, do not listen. ''[stepping to them]'' All of you deafen yourselves to their heartless words. They do not know that it is their saviors they are speaking to. They are unaware that your actions will have helped change their world forever! :''[This brightens the girls’ mood quite a bit, and he gathers them up in a hug]'' :'''Jojo''': Because we have helped the town and made it a better place. :'''Blossom''': Do you think they'll be surprised? :'''Jojo''': Oh yeah. :'''Buttercup''': You think they'll still be mad at us for playing tag? :'''Jojo''': No, they'll have forgotten all about that. :'''Bubbles''': Will they love us? ''[tense silence for a moment]'' :'''Jojo''': Yes. :'''Girls''': Really? :'''Jojo''': Would I lie to you? :''[They smile at one another. Fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later that night, the girls fly back home]'' :'''Blossom''': I'm so excited! :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, we'll show 'em! :'''Bubbles''': Hey, where's...? :''[On cue, the Professor is thrown roughly head first into the house by the same policemen who arrested him earlier]'' :'''Girls''': Professor! :''[Buttercup melts the handcuffs off his wrists with her laser vision]'' :'''Professor''': Oh, girls, thank goodness you're OK! I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible, terrible parent! You must hate me for not picking you up from school. But it's not my fault. It's this town. They've gone crazy. It's like they've never seen kids playing before. I knew your powers would take some getting used to, but jail? Lawsuits? Angry mobs? What's next? :'''Girls''': Don't worry, Professor, things are going to get better. We promise. :''[Back in his volcano top observatory, Jojo now sits in the center of the contraption, discarding his coat and bag, an evil grin spread across his face. He pushes a red button, and the tracking devices planted in the monkeys' fur come to life, transporting them away from the zoo, and into pre-arranged liquid-filled cages lined in a circular fashion about Jojo. Another flip of the switch and the large glass ball contraption comes to life. The Chemical X drains from the large beaker on top, and the glass balls, spinning rapidly, each fills with a smaller dosage of the black liquid. Another dial is turned, and the room is cast into a green glow as lightning begins to spark from the balls. The liquid drains from each of the globes, and the monkeys are enveloped in it. They screech in pain and agony under the assault. Lighting begins to issue from their bodies, and their skin begins to turn as green as Jojo's, along with their eyes taking on the same pink hue as Mojo's as well, while their brains grow out from their heads in a similar fashion to Jojo, who laughs evilly, as rapidly flashing red and green lights flash around him. The shot zooms out, revealing the monkeys now suspended quite prostate, their brains sticking far out from their heads. The shot continues back, showing the observatory, the city of Townsville, and finally back through the far-right window of the girls' bedroom, where they are sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the events transpiring miles away in the city proper. Fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At this point, the girls and the Professor reach downtown and are astonished and shocked by what they see. A quick zoom out reveals that there are now hundreds of monkeys ravaging the townsfolk. The camera focuses on Jojo standing confidently in front of town hall, the Mayor's head under one of his boots. He then points towards the girls as he speaks]'' :'''Jojo''': Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, I couldn't have done it without'cha! :''[The girls are in shock]'' :'''Man #1''': It's their fault! :'''Man #2''': I knew they were no good! :''[Jojo laughs maniacally]'' :'''Blossom''': Jojo, what happened?! :'''Bubbles''': This isn't making the town a better place! :'''Jojo''': ''[last words]'' Yes, it is. For ''me!'' The hobo "fomo"-ly known as Jojo is "nomo"! From this day "fowo"-d, I shall be known as... '''''MOJO JOJO!!!!!!!!''''' :''[Jojo, now known as Mojo Jojo, swoops his cape back in dramatic effect, the Mayor still crushed under his right boot. The girls gasp in astonishment]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[first words]'' For too long, apes and monkeys have been under the thumb of man. Well, the time has come to ''oppose'' that thumb, and take hold of what is rightfully ours: '''''THE WORLD!!!!!!!!''''' :''[The girls face the Professor, who is now at the top of the steps]'' :'''Girls''': Professor! ''[as he collapses to his knees]'' We didn't want this! :'''Woman''': Liars! :'''Man #3''': Fibbers! :'''Man #4''': You've doomed us all! ''[as close-up of the Professor, his mind reeling]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[from o.c.]'' Please, Professor. ''[as he raises his head; cut to them]'' Please believe us. :''[Tilt down from them to point toward the street—his perspective—and then cut back to him. He tries to sort out the situation for some moments before speaking again]'' :'''Professor''': I don't know who to believe. :''[The girls gasp]'' :'''Professor''': I thought you were good. :''[Long shot of the skyline; the girls rocket straight up from it into space, the camera following]'' :'''Girls''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> ''[after the girls zoom into space, the screen is completely black. Tilt down quickly to Mojo Jojo, now holding the Mayor in the air and waving him around]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Yeah! Whoo! Alright! ''[spiking Mayor like a football]'' I rock! I rock so hard. For I, Mojo Jojo, have succeeded in my first, greatest, and most brilliant plan ever. And I, Mojo Jojo, shall be '''''KING OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!''''' :''[Pause, at this point there is silence. None of Mojo Jojo's army is attacking the crowd anymore as all their attention has shifted to Mojo Jojo and his declaration of being king. Their expressions make it clear that none of them are willing to accept this declaration from Mojo Jojo of him being their leader and king when they've done all the work. A [[w:Bornean orangutan|Bornean Orangutan]] speaks out from the nearby crowd, his bulging brain, spiteful glance, and tone of voice similar in form to Mojo Jojo's.]'' :'''Ojo Tango''': ''You'' shall be King?! Preposterous! :'''Mojo Jojo''': What?! How dare you? :'''Ojo Tango''': ''[while putting on Mojo Jojo's identical clothes]'' For it is ''I'', who's the one most suited to be ruler. :'''Mojo Jojo''': Those are ''my'' clothes! :'''Ojo Tango''': I, Ojo Tango, shall be simian supreme. :'''Mojo Jojo''': No Ojo. ''Mojo!'' :''[Back to the upstart; as he continues; he climbs down into the machine, a hatch closing behind him. This is a large, tank-treaded vehicle with two side-mounted cannons, which are pointed straight down so that it can balance on them. It throws its weight ahead, lands on its treads, and points the cannons forward.]'' :'''Ojo Tango''': As I unleash the offensive omnipotence of the oppressive orango-tank! :''[At this point, a [[w:Western lowland gorilla|lowland gorilla]] speaks up. His voice is very low and burly.]'' :'''Rocko Socko''': ''[burly deep voice]'' Hold on! :'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, no. :'''Rocko Socko''': ''[while putting on metal fists and another variant of Mojo's clothes]'' It is ''I'' who shall get a ''grip'' on this situation. :'''Mojo''': You'd better not. :'''Rocko Socko''': As I, Rocko Socko, seize control and rule. ''[smashes a hole in a building]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Wait! :''[All of the primates wear variants of Mojo's clothes]'' :''[A lanky [[w:Olive baboon|olive baboon]] speaks next.]'' :'''Baboon Kaboom''': ''[getting into a baboon robot]'' I, Baboon Kaboom, with my Baboon-bot, will be the bomb! :''[He leaps into the aforementioned contraption as he says this; it is a large robot in the shape of a baboon, with a red-and-white striped pipe sticking out from the rear end, and it stands on a rooftop.]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Uh-oh. :''[Back to the robot, zooming in on the tailpipe.]'' :'''Baboon Kaboom''': And if you don't like it, you can sniff my Baboon-bot bombs! ''[as the Baboon-bot poops out 3 bombs, it throws them and they explode]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, that's classy. :''[A large [[w:Barrel|barrel]] of [[w:Lar gibbon|White handed gibbons]], in the same form as the famous Barrel of Monkeys toy, rolls down the street. A group of them speaks at once.]'' :'''Go Go Po-Trol''': ''[all at once]'' Gangway, gangway! For we, the Go Go Po-Trol, as brothers-in-arms, are linked to form a chain of command that will reach out and take over the world. :''[A Japanese [[w:Macaque|Macaque]] is standing in a vat of boiling water atop a dam.]'' :'''Hotta Wata''': I, Hotta Wata, am boiling mad for you're all wet behind your ears. ''[the dam breaks]'' Therefore, I shall unleash a scalding torrent to drown you all about. For I don't give a– :'''Mojo Jojo''': Watch your mouth! :''[Next is a [[w:Western chimpanzee|West African chimpanzee]] with a pair of cymbals, moving sporadically like a toy as he clashes his cymbals.]'' :'''Cha-Ching Cha-Ching''': I, Cha-Ching Cha-Ching, symbolize chaotic calamity. ''[bangs cymbals together]'' :''[Next is a large group of [[w:Spider monkey|Spider monkeys]] with flying rocket packs. They speak in unison.]'' :'''Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos''': ''[all at once]'' We, the Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos, shall rain on your parade because… ''[they spit]'' we're the spit. :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[disgusted]'' Eww. :''[A [[w:Proboscis monkey|proboscis monkey]] speaks next, imitating [[Jimmy Durante|Jimmy Durante]], with a dance number playing in the background as he half-sings the words. A large array of banana peels lie before him.]'' :'''Hacha Chacha''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ My name is Hacha Chacha! ♪<br>♪ And here's my schpiel! ♪<br>♪ A diabolical plan with lots of appeal ♪<br> ♪ Spreading bananas far and wide! ♪<br>♪ And fixing up the folks for a slippery slide! ♪'' :''[A man and woman slip on banana peels]'' :'''Mayor''': That's pretty catchy. :''[A nervous young [[w:Bonobo|bonobo]] speaks next, clearly putting together his plan at the last minute.]'' :'''Blah-Blah Blah-Blah''': I, Blah-Blah Blah-Blah, ''[Quick pan to a hot plate; he pours tomato sauce into a pot on it, with empty jars all around.]'' shall create a sauce of chaos, ''[Another pan, he wheels the hot plate through the street and stirs the pot, and a funnel cloud emerges.]'' and stir up trouble ''[Quick pan ahead to a few buildings; the tomato typhoon starts to rip them apart.]'' with a destructive force known as the Tormato! :'''Mojo Jojo''': Tor''maato?'' :'''Mayor''': Tor''mayto.'' ''[Mojo Jojo kicks him away]'' '''Woo-hoo!''' :''[Quick pan to a [[w:Mandrill|mandrill]] driving a two-wheeled vehicle with a large drill bit mounted in front.]'' :'''Killa Drilla''': I, Killa Drilla. :''[A [[w:Cross River gorilla|Cross River Gorilla]] runs down the street, delivering headbutts.]'' :'''Bonzo Bango''': I, Bonzo Bango. :''[A very fat [[w:Tapanuli orangutan|tapanuli orangutan]] rolls over people.]'' :'''Rolo Ovo''': I, Rolo Ovo. :''[A small [[w:Pygmy marmoset|pygmy marmoset]] bites someone’s thumb.]'' :'''Cruncha Muncha''': I, Cruncha Muncha! :''[a young [[w:Nigeria-Cameroon chimpanzee|nigeria-cameroon chimpanzee]] slaps a young man’s face.]'' :'''Wacko Smacko''': I, Wacko Smacko! :''[An old [[w:Eastern chimpanzee|eastern chimpanzee]] in a tattered outfit slaps a senior citizen.]'' :'''Pappy Wappy''': I, Pappy Wappy. :''[Now we see a quick series of shots of various other monkeys, each of whom cries out, “I!”—more pretenders to the throne. The tempo steadily accelerates through this sequence, during which the ambient light goes from green to yellow and finally red. Finally the camera cuts to a long shot of Mojo Jojo and zooms in quickly. He has had entirely too much of this.]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[losing control of his rage and yelling at his army of apes and monkeys]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Stop! Cease! Desist! Don't continue with the ramblings. For ''my'' ramblings to be obeyed! For I am the king, supreme leader and all-around dictator, don't you ''see?!'' All you monkeys are my plan! So your plans are ''my'' plans because you made plans and ''my'' plans was to make you! I plan to rule the planet, not to have my plans plan to stop me! '''''I AM YOUR CREATOR, I AM YOUR KING, I AM MOJO JOJO!''''' ''[pushes the Professor aside]'' '''''OBEY MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[The shot cuts to a view of outer space. Despite the lack of air to convey sound, the sound of distant crying is heard. The shot zooms into the asteroid belt and focuses on a single rock. Bubbles is sitting on the surface, her head is thrown back in utter dejection and despair and is having a torrent of cries issuing from her mouth. The scene pulls back to show a saddened Blossom sitting on a rocky outcropping, and Buttercup fuming by herself in the distance. Their voices echo in the emptiness of space]'' :'''Buttercup''': That jerk! That big, fat, dumb jerk. He duped us. He planned it all along and we fell for it. :'''Bubbles''': ''[voice breaking]'' And now, everybody hates us even more. :''[She continues crying, then stops when she looks at Buttercup]'' :'''Bubbles''': What are you doing? :''[Buttercup has started digging a crude wall in the asteroid]'' :'''Buttercup''': What ''does'' it ''look'' like I'm doing? I'm building a house. Because now, we have to live here. :'''Bubbles''': Live here? :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, don't you see? This can be the bedroom, and this is ''my'' bed. ''[she slumps down on a crude jutting of rock, and points.]'' That can be your bed over there. :'''Bubbles''': I don't wanna sleep on a rock! ''[cries a bit more as the camera pulls back to put Blossom in the fore]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[accusingly]'' Maybe if someone hadn't pushed Bubbles into the school... :'''Buttercup''': [sarcastically] Oh, look, she speaks! ''[taking Blossom’s tone, walking to her]'' Well maybe if someone hadn't insisted on walking home from school so we could run into the '''''BIGGEST LIAR IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Blossom''': We weren't allowed to use our powers, and you ''know'' it! :''[Bubbles watches the argument from a distance; zoon in on her, putting them out of view, on the next line]'' :'''Buttercup''': Oh, look, it's Ms. Goody-goody! ''[pull back to frame all three and pan to Buttercup on the next line]'' :'''Blossom''': What was ''I'' supposed to do?! We weren't going to get people to stop hating us by breaking rules! :'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah?! And using our superpowers to make a "Help the Town and Make It a Better Place Machine"... ''[pull back into space; we cannot see her from here]'' '''''WAS FOLLOWING RULES????!!!!''''' ''[as she crosses her eyes and takes on a particularly nasty tone when she says the name of the “Machine.” Back to the asteroid’s surface]'' :'''Blossom''': I didn't see ''you'' putting up a fight! :'''Buttercup''': Well, you're gonna now! ''[hurls herself at Blossom; the two tumble back and forth across the screen. Bubbles stands back and watches the scuffle, her back to the camera]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[as they roll around]'' Well, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this stupid mess! You stupid! :''[Bubbles drops to her knees; long shot of her as she starts wailing all over again. Buttercup slams down in the foreground so that all we see is an extreme close-up of her head and arms. She is on her stomach and struggles to rise, but is unable to do so after some moments. She stops briefly, then screams and pounds her fists against the ground; pull back to show Blossom sitting on her. By this point, Bubbles’ crying is no longer heard]'' :'''Blossom''': I'm not fighting with you, Buttercup! :'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah?! 'Cause you know I'll kick your butt! :'''Blossom''': ''[standing up]'' No! Because I know...oh, never mind! ''[pull back to frame both; they stand well apart]'' I'm not fighting with you! And I'm not talking to you, '''''EVER!!!!!''''' :'''Buttercup''': Well, prepare yourself for a ''looooooong'' silence, girl, ‘cause we're going to spend the rest of our lives here, thanks to ''you!'' :''[On the end of this line, cut to Blossom; she steps away a bit and sits down, her back to Buttercup’s shadow. Back to the latter]'' :'''Buttercup''': At least I got me a bed. <hr width=50%> :''[A long shot now shows a massive amount of destruction being done to Townsville. All three girls hear their screams now, and the pain is unbearable. They strike the famous "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil" pose. Mojo Jojo advances on the Professor, who lies hunched in a ball on the steps of City Hall. He gasps as Mojo Jojo grabs him by the throat. What he utters is able to snap the girls out of their blue funk]'' :'''Professor''': Girls! :'''Girls''': Professor! :''[The girls rush back to Townsville amidst the destruction]'' :'''Girls''': Professor! Professor! PROFESSOR! :''[With another explosion, missiles strike at the base of a stirring statue of the mayor riding triumphantly on a horse. The statues fall, aiming to strike a hapless lady below. Bubbles sees this and makes a sideways U-turn, diving to save the woman]'' :'''Blossom''': Bubbles, wait! :''[Bubbles swoops downward, picking up the woman and narrowly saving her. Her sisters rejoin her, with a lady in hand]'' :'''Blossom''': Good job, Bubbles, but we really got to save... :'''Lady''': The baby! :''[The baby is sitting in a carriage, holding a bomb recently spewed from the rear of Baboon Kaboom's Baboon-Bot bomb machine. Several more drop out in the next few moments]'' :'''Blossom''': Holy...! :''[Blossom narrowly swears as she saves the baby just as the bombs explode around her]'' :'''Buttercup''': Hey, what about…? :'''Lady''': THE DOG!!! :''[The torrent of water is seen rushing down the streets. Hotta Wata pushes a [[w:Dog|dog]] underwater by the head]'' :'''Buttercup''': Whoa! :''[She rushes underwater and rescues the dog. Elsewhere, Bubbles is talking to the lady, now placed safely on a rooftop]'' :'''Bubbles''': You'll be safe here. <hr width=50%> :''[Now dripping wet, Buttercup sets the dog down]'' :'''Buttercup''': Good dog. Can we find the professor now, please? :''[She looks back at the dog. The barrel of monkeys threatens to squish him flat]'' :'''Buttercup''': Aww, man! :''[Bubbles nabs the car out of Rocko's grasp, much to his surprise. Blossom saves a man in a phone booth from being crushed by Ojo's Orangu-tank's track. Buttercup zips to save the dog. Bubbles and Blossom avoid torrents of flying things and people as they carry the car and phone booth, respectively. The tomato tornado is sucking people into its core. Buttercup has set the dog outside the CTN building (another reference to Cartoon Network)]'' :'''Buttercup''': Now, stay! :''[Cha-Ching Cha-Ching stands across the way, and with a reverberating crash, the shockwaves shatter CTN's windows. Buttercup looks back again as the falling glass heads for the canine]'' :'''Buttercup''''': Doggone it! :''[She swoops to save the dog yet again. Blossom and Bubbles now have a large group of people on their backs. Buttercup blows a raspberry behind her as she falls into the clutches of the Go Go Po-Trol, losing her grip and sending the dog into freefall. She yells and dives down to save the dog a fourth time, but he falls into the iron clutches of Rocko Socko. This is too much for Buttercup. She gives her gripping banshee yell, and flies headfirst towards the monster]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Blossom''': OK, you should be safe here. Ohh, this is hopeless! :'''Bubbles''': I know! There are too many monkeys. What can we do? :''[The duo hear Buttercup's yell and glance at her direction. She's struggling to pry Rocko's iron hands open in order to free the dog. The angle changes with every word]'' :'''Buttercup''': [[w:Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Get your hands off him, you darn, dirty ape!]] :''[Yelling and her hand in a fist, Buttercup punches Rocko in the face, causing him to fly back and hit a wall. Bubbles and Blossom arrive and gasp. Buttercup covers her mouth in embarrassment]'' :'''Buttercup''': ''[stuttering]'' I didn't mean it! It was an accident! He wouldn't let go, and then the dog! That stupid dog! And then the monkeys! Oh, man! :''[The dog breaks free of the metal hands. He takes a whiz on them and walks off. Blossom, thinking this over, suddenly gets an idea in her head]'' :'''Blossom''': Buttercup! :'''Buttercup''': I, I, I... :'''Blossom''': You're a GENIUS! :''[Buttercup's eyes widen in surprise]'' :'''Buttercup''': I am? :'''Bubbles''': She is? :'''Blossom''': Yeah! The one way to stop the monkeys, save the town, and find the Professor is to use our powers to... :''[They focus in on the townspeople screaming. The Orango-tank is about to crush a large group of people.]'' :'''Blossom''': Better yet. Watch! :''[Blossom zooms in on the mechanical beast, striking an exploding blow to its head, knocking it over. She assumes a forward victory pose in front of the flame of the exploding machine. Ojo presumably perishes with his Orango-tank, much to Bubbles and Buttercup's amazement]'' :'''Buttercup''': Wow! :'''Bubbles''': That was amaz--! Hey! :''[A torrent of spit begins to rain on the girls. Above them, the Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos are creating quite a downpour]'' :'''Bubbles''': Eww, gross! Cut it out! :''[She lashes out with her laser eyes, striking one monkey, sending it off spiraling like a deflating balloon, striking another monkey in a large explosion. The girls strike battle-ready poses as the spitting monkeys fall all around them. The explosion has wiped out the entire group, leaving all of them battered, bruised, and beaten]'' :'''Blossom''': Come on, girls, let's put an end to this gorilla warfare! :''[They fly off. Cha-Ching Cha-Ching bangs his cymbals together. The girls each get a good hit on him]'' :'''Blossom''': Haha! Good one, Bubbles! :''[Cha-Ching Cha-Ching falls down in front of Mojo, who is clutching the Professor by the neck. Mojo Jojo is shocked to find him battered and beaten, but quickly regains his fury once he realizes who's responsible]'' :'''Professor''': Girls! :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[covers his mouth]'' Shut up! I was afraid of this. They've returned and found out what our powers can really do! Come! You will make a good Powerproof vest! :''[Mojo walks away with the Professor. Elsewhere, as the wave of water hits another streetway, the girls quickly pound a hold in front of its path, sucking all the water, Hotta Wata included, with a look of shock on his face, down to Townsville's sewer ways like a giant toilet. The butt bomb baboon machine juts forward, but Bubbles and Blossom pin it down by the hands. As Baboon Kaboom aims the butt cannon at the girls, Buttercup clenches the barrel shut, causing an overload. On his operating screen, the machine reads "B.M. Blowout", and Baboon silently screams in horror before the machine explodes. Confronting the Go-Go Patrol , Buttercup grabs the end monkey by the hand, and like a giant rubber band, Blossom stretches the other end and lets go, sending the chain spiraling into a metal pole on the sidewalk. Bubbles uses the remaining monkeys as a rather large jump rope. Hacha Chacha is pounded into the nearby fruit stand by Bubbles, while Blossom sends him spinning down his own slippery path of destruction. Blah-Blah Blah-Blah looks to his right to find Blossom, who snatches away his mixing rods, collapsing his tornado, as Blossom sends him flying into a ketchup-covered wall. Buttercup kicks Rolo Ovo like a soccer ball, sending him careening into the air off into the'' :''distance. Blossom grabs the drill machine by the bit, sending Killa Drilla's hald of the machine spinning uncontrollably. Cruncha Muncha is sent into the waiting arms of Bubbles, who lovingly shakes him until he passes out. The punches and kicks reach a fervent pace, until one final shot of the three girls laying a massive uppercut erupts into pain stars, sending the entire group of monkeys raining down to the ground]'' :'''Buttercup''': None of those stupid monkeys had the Professor! :'''Bubbles''': Where could he be? :'''Blossom''': Take a good guess. :''[She points to the volcano top observatory, where Mojo Jojo is dragging the Professor deep into his lab. 6 sets of imposing doors close in rapid succession behind him to seal off his hideout]'' :'''Blossom''': Come on, girls, we've got one last monkey to get off our backs! :''[They zoom forwards, easily crashing through Mojo Jojo's defenses and standing at the ready in front of their nemesis, who has the Professor in a headlock]'' :'''Girls''': Not so fast, Mojo Jojo! :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[mockingly]'' Oohh, look at the little heroes, here to save their daddy. :'''Professor''': ''[straining]'' No, girls, save yourselves! :'''Bubbles''': Sorry, Professor! :'''Buttercup''': We can take this chump-chimp down easily! :'''Blossom''': There's nothing he can do to stop us! :''[Mojo Jojo twists the Professor's neck further, causing a nasty grinding noise, and making the Professor yelp out in pain. The girls gasp and stop. Hatred is written all over their eyes. Mojo Jojo had proven Blossom's taunt wrong as he has every intention to snap the Professor's neck and kill him if the Girls try to attack him while the Professor is still his hostage]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': That's better. It's good you little freaks know when you're beaten. Now if you'll excuse me, I, Mojo Jojo, have a town to take over. I have a world to rule! I have to seize control of an area, and force its inhabitants to follow my way of thinking! :''[He presses a button on his control panel, and the glass globes begin to spin again. Another vat of Chemical X spews from the machine and drains into the spheres as before. He punches a set of keys]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Even if it means... :''[Pause for effect. He plunges the needle into his own brains]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': '''''TAKING EXTREME MEASURES!''''' :''[The girls gasp]'' :'''Girls''': You wouldn't! :'''Mojo Jojo''': I ''would!'' :''[He jams a lever, and all the containers of Chemical X pour directly into his brain. He lets out a primal cry, as his features bulge out in exaggerated proportions and he grows exponentially, sending him crashing through the roof of the observatory. He loses his grip on the screaming Professor, sending him falling downwards amidst the debris]'' :'''Bubbles''': Professor! :''[As Blossom catches him, the debris collapses on top of them and the Professor. Mojo Jojo is now a giant]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': '''''''NOW I'M MORE MOJO THAN BEFORE!''''''' :''[He leaps to the ground amidst the flames of the city, fully half as tall as the tallest skyscrapers, and walks down its shattered streets and burning buildings. He stops in front of Town Hall, addressing the peons on the grounds below with a slow and commanding voice]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': [[Ken Livingstone|Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,]] I, Mojo Jojo, have succeeded in my first, greatest, and most brilliant plan ever! And I, Mojo Jojo, '''''SHALL BE KING!''''' :''[He lifts his arms high in triumph]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The girls fly back to Town Hall, and give Mojo Jojo a good smack in the jaw just as he was about to eat an innocent civilian or two, catching him by complete surprise]'' :'''Blossom''': Surrender now, and we'll go easy on you! :''[Mojo Jojo takes this in, rubbing his jaw, looking for the source of the interruption]'' :'''Blossom''': Down here! :'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, my! You're actually trying to stop me? That's so cute! :'''Bubbles''': Try nothing! :'''Blossom''': We ''will'' stop you! :'''Buttercup''': Who are you calling "cute"?!?!? :''[Mojo Jojo laughs mockingly]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': OK, let's play! :''[He lands a punch to the spot where the girls were, but they zoom away and land a few hits to his face. He tries to catch them, but they are too small and fast for his large bulky frame. Buttercup even runs between his ears, making a large bell sound, then smacks him into the butt, sending him into the air. As she laughs, Mojo Jojo simply alights himself and smashes her into the ground with his foot. The other two girls stop]'' :'''Blossom''': Buttercup! :''[Mojo Jojo takes advantage of their hesitation to smack them into a rooftop. Buttercup emerges from Mojo Jojo's foot, angry as can be. She punches in and breaks all of the toes on his left foot. In the meantime, the other two girls emerge, and in a spiral formation, smack into Mojo Jojo's midsection, sending him hurtling back doubled over. As he strikes a tall building, it collapses on him, his arms and legs sticking out]'' :'''Blossom''': Good job, girls! :'''Buttercup''': ''[Japanese accent]'' Hah, that more Mojo is ''no'' more! :''[They laugh. Mojo Jojo alights himself, and leaping forward he grabs hold of Buttercup and Blossom in opposing hands]'' :'''Bubbles''': GIRLS!! :''[The two girls scream out in pain as Mojo squeezes, glancing between the two. Bubbles rushes forward, and (in Star Wars A-wing style and sound) shoots rapid-fire laser beams at Mojo Jojo, causing him to cry out in pain and releasing her two sisters. The girls resume their cat-and-mouse game amidst Mojo Jojo, and once again unable to catch them, Mojo Jojo lets out a primal yell and claps his hands together loudly. The resulting shockwave blasts the girls spiraling backward. They do a few backflips on a city street and reorient themselves]'' :'''Buttercup''': Somebody's mad. :''[Mojo Jojo springs forward, unleashing a barrage of black pointed thorns at the girls]'' :'''Blossom''': Look out! :''[They narrowly avoid a set of spikes. Mojo Jojo targets Blossom as she runs as fast as she can from the onslaught, just staying in front of the line of fire. But the same dog is in her way now, and she feels obligated to protect it. Failing her arms in rapid fire, she deflects all of the thorns from herself and her hapless canine companion, yelling out in fury. Bubbles and Buttercup are hiding nearby under the refuge of an empty bus]'' :'''Bubbles''': Oh, no, look! Mojo's got Blossom pinned down! :'''Buttercup''': I have an idea, come on! :''[Buttercup and Bubbles lay the bus vertically in front of Blossom. Blossom stops yelling. The bus absorbs all of the thorny blows. After a few moments, the assault stops. The dog simply walks off. Buttercup dodges the last few spikes, ending up on the ground with her sisters. There is silence for a moment: Buttercup and Blossom cautiously look up, while Bubbles opens her eyes after keeping them shut in order to protect herself from the spikes]'' :'''Bubbles''': Do you think he's finished? :''[Mojo Jojo has risen up behind the bus]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': No, but ''you'' are! :''[He breathes fire on them. A following shot shows the girls, hands together, screaming in pain as the fiery flames scorch them badly. As the attack stops, the girls are still alive, but unconscious. Mojo grabs the scorched and weakened girls in his hand]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Fools! You dare to challenge ME?! Attempt to defeat ME?! Try to destroy ME?! ''[climbs a building while gripping the girls in a [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] like manner]'' I who saved you from certain death?! After all I've done for you, YOU BETRAY ME?! AND WHY?! ''[rips open the building's side, revealing a group of scared citizens]'' For ''them?'' The ones who hated you? Have forsaken you? ''[as he keeps climbing and reaches the spire at the top. The girls’ eyes are shut tight.]'' Can't you see? None of them will ever understand you as I can, for we are kindred spirits whose powers spring from the same source. So girls, do not make me destroy you! For we are smarter! We are stronger! We are invincible! ''We'' have the power! ''WE'' '''ARE SUPERIOR TO''' ''THEM!'' '''''AND WE SHALL RULE!''''' All we have to do is work together. Girls... ''join me.'' :''[Long pause as the girls shake furiously in Mojo Jojo's fist before breaking themselves free]'' :'''Girls''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' :''[They proceed to beat him up]'' :'''Blossom''': We'd never join you! And it’s ''because'' we are stronger! :'''Bubbles''': ''Because'' we are invincible! :'''Buttercup''': ''Because'' we have the power! :'''Girls''': ''WE'' '''HAVE TO PROTECT''' ''THEM'' '''FROM''' ''YOU!'' :'''Blossom''': It’s ''YOU'' who is to be feared! :'''Bubbles''': Cause you ''ARE'' a monster! :'''Buttercup''': You ''ARE'' evil! :'''Girls''': '''''AND YOU!...ARE!...''''' ''[tap him on the side]'' ...it! :''[This small tap knocks Mojo Jojo off balance, and flailing with one arm, the tower he is grasping with the other breaks apart, sending the super-sized simian falling towards the ground, similar to the ending of [[w:King Kong (1933 film)|King Kong]]]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[last words; screaming]'' '''''CURRRRRSEEEESSSSSSS...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Professor''': ''[rapid-fire talking]'' Girls! Girls, where are you?! You were right! We should try and stop Mojo, and I know how! I whipped up an antidote to Chemical X! It will do away with his powers! Girls! Girls! Gir-- :''[The Professor looks upward at Mojo Jojo plummeting toward him]'' :'''Girls''': ''[alarmed]'' '''''PROFESSOR!''''' :''[The girls save the professor as Mojo Jojo falls on the Antidote X, shrinking him back to normal as he moans in pain]'' :'''Professor''': ''[hugging the girls]'' Oh, girls! I’m so sorry for doubting you. You are good! Good, perfect little girls, and I love you! :'''Girls''': We love you, too! :'''Blossom''': And we’re really sorry. :'''Buttercup''': We messed up really bad. :'''Bubbles''': But we’re ready, Professor. :'''Professor''': "Ready"? :'''Blossom''': To take the Antidote X to get rid of our powers. :'''Bubbles''': If it wasn’t for them, none of this would have happened. :'''Buttercup''': Besides, maybe everyone would like us more if we were just normal little girls. :'''Townspeople''': '''''NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Girls''': Huh? :'''Mayor''': Umm, well… uhh… don’t do that, ‘cause… that was pretty cool, with the… uhh… :'''Ms. Bellum''': Girls, I think what the Mayor is trying to say is, we’re sorry and thank you. :'''Ms. Keane''': Yes, that was super! Just super! :'''Man 1''': Amazing! :'''Baby lady''': Fantastic! :'''Man 2''': Wonderful! :'''Jamaican Lady''': Stupendous! :'''Jay and Bob look-alikes''': You rock! :'''Talking Dog''': Thank you. :'''Mayor''': Oh, yeah! That was awesome! You were all flying, and running, and then... ''[imitating laser blasts]'' laser eyes! Then, grr! Bam! And then... ''[laser blasts]'' and then BAM! You punched that guy! Ehh, remember? Yeah, that was great. Ya know, this town stinks. And I was wondering if maybe sometime we could like call you.. to save the day or whatever. :'''Girls''': ''[gasping]'' Can we, Professor?! :'''Professor''': Well, I don’t know. Hmm... okay! But only if it’s before your bedtime. :''[The girls fly into the air cheering as the townsfolk applaud]'' :'''Girls''': '''''YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!''''' :''[The crowd cheers and whistles]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Fade in to the sun in a clear blue sky—a day some time after these events—and tilt down to the exterior of Malph’s, which has been fixed up. An old woman pushes a shopping cart across the parking lot, but is stopped by Ace’s hand seizing its front. His four buddies are with him. Cut to the Mayor at his desk, with Ms. Bellum standing nearby; he is signing a document]'' :'''Old woman''': ''[from outside, distant]'' Help! :''[he looks to his assistant, who points out across the room. Pull back to show, at a distance in that direction, the familiar happy-face hotline on a stand. Cut to the Pokey Oaks Kindergarten classroom, which has been entirely repaired and is once again a happy place for the girls and their classmates. Pan quickly to the front of the room, where an identical phone sits on a stand and starts to buzz. The girls look toward it, ready for action, and everyone falls silent. Back to the parking lot of Malph’s. Billy is eating the old woman’s food, Ace and Snake are having a tug-of-war over her purse, and Arturo and Grubber are menacing her. Empty snack and pizza boxes lie near the overturned cart. The sound of something drifting in causes all five hoodlums to look up, scared; cut to their perspective—the girls are on the scene and smiling wickedly down at them. A tense silence ensues and is broken by three quick shots of the Gang getting what they have coming to them. Blossom punches out Ace, Bubbles split-kicks Snake and Grubber, and Buttercup hurls Arturo into Billy, sending both flying. Cut to a jail cell in which the unconscious Gang has been dumped in a heap; they share it with Fuzzy and Mojo Jojo, the latter now clad only in a pair of underwear. The door slides shut on the group. Note: The old “Kilroy was here” drawing can be seen on the wall next to Mojo Jojo. Overhead view of the jail, with two cops waving. Tilt up to follow the girls as they fly away, waving back. The narrator returns for the closing dialogue]'' :'''Narrator''': Sugar, spice, and everything nice! These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction: Chemical X! Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born! Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces of evil! :''[The girls plow into the Professor and laugh; cuts to the end shot]'' :'''Narrator''': ''[last lines]'' And so, for the very first time, the day was saved! Thanks to... ''[the girls appear as he gives them their name]'' ...The Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if they will? I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm. == Cast == * [[w:Cathy Cavadini|Catherine Cavadini]] — Blossom * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] — Bubbles * [[w:E. G. Daily|E.G. Daily]] — Buttercup * [[w:Roger L. Jackson|Roger L. Jackson]] — Mojo Jojo * [[w:Tom Kane|Tom Kane]] — Professor Utonium * [[Tom Kenny]] — Narrator, Mayor, Mitch Mitchelson, Cha-Ching Cha-Ching, Cruncha Muncha, Snake, Li'l Arthuro, Pappy Wappy * [[w:Jennifer Hale|Jennifer Hale]] — Ms. Keane * [[w:Jennifer Martin|Jennifer Martin]] — Ms. Bellum * [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeffrey Bennett]] — Ace, Big Billy, Grubber, Baboon Kaboom, Go Go Po-Trol, Hacha Chacha * [[Grey DeLisle]] — Linda, Woman at Zoo * [[Phil LaMarr]] — I.P. Host, Local Anchor * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — Killa Drilla, Hotta Watta, Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos, Blah-Blah Blah-Blah, Wacko Smacko * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] — Rocko Socko, Ojo Tango * [[Frank Welker]] — Talking Dog, Whole Lotta Monkeys, Rolo Ovo, Bonzo Bango == External Links == {{wikipedia}} {{The Powerpuff Girls}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Powerpuff Girls Movie, The}} [[Category:2002 animated films]] [[Category:2002 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:The Powerpuff Girls]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about sisters]] [[Category:Cartoon Network films]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Films about size change]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Animated superheroine films]] [[Category:Animated films about apes]] 616ezu2vxdyw1ucatc69olke47mrrk1 3944369 3944368 2026-05-23T06:07:17Z ~2026-30799-67 3327798 3944369 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Otakuthon 2014- Powerpuff Girls (15016938646).jpg|thumb|And so for the very first time, the day is saved thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Powerpuff Girls Movie|The Powerpuff Girls Movie]]''''' is an American animated [[w:Superhero|superhero]] [[w:Comedy|comedy film]] produced by [[w:Cartoon Network Studios|Cartoon Network Studios]], and released to theaters by [[w:Warner Bros. Pictures|Warner Bros.]] on July 3, 2002. It is a prequel to the [[The Powerpuff Girls|TV series]], tells the origin story of how the Powerpuff Girls were created, and how Mojo Jojo became a supervillain. :''Directed by [[w:Craig McCracken|Craig McCracken]]. Written by [[w:Charlie Bean (filmmaker)|Charlie Bean]], [[w:Lauren Faust|Lauren Faust]], Craig McCracken, [[w:Paul Rudish|Paul Rudish]] and Don Shank. {{center|'''Sugar, spice and everything nice...these were the ingredients to create the perfect...crime-fighting little girls?'''}} == Blossom == * ''[after Buttercup "accidentally" punched Rocko Socko, freeing the dog]'' Buttercup! You're a genius! * ''[spotting Ojo's orango-tank about to crush the people]'' Better yet. Watch! ''[explodes the top]'' * Come on, girls, let's put an end to this gorilla warfare! == Bubbles == * That was amaz--! ''[the Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos spit at them]'' Hey! Eww, gross! Cut it out! ''[shoots her laser vision at them]'' * ''[as the Professor grabs her]'' Eep! == Buttercup == * ''[repeated yelling]'' * ''[stuttering]'' I didn't mean it! It was an accident! He wouldn't let go! And the dog! == Mojo Jojo == * The hobo "fomo"-ly known as Jojo is "nomo"! From this day "fowo"-d, I shall be known as... '''''MOJO JOJO!!!!!!!!''''' * For too long, apes and monkeys have been under the thumb of man! Well, the time has come to ''oppose'' that thumb, and take hold of what is rightfully ours: '''''THE WORLD!!!!!!!!''''' * ''[as his losing control of his rage and yelling at his army of apes and monkeys who turn against him and each other]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Stop! Cease! Desist! Do not continue with your ramblings, for ''my'' ramblings are the ramblings to obeyed! For I am the king, supreme leader, and all-around dictator! For I am the mastermind, the genius, and all-around visionary! It was I who laid the original plan and set it into motion! DON'T YOU SEE?! All you monkeys are my plan! So ''your'' plans are ''my'' plans, because ''you'' made plans and ''my'' plan was to make ''you!'' I never planned for my plans to make plans to stop my plan! I plan to rule the planet, not to have my plans plan to stop ''me!'' The planner of ''you!'' '''''SO STOP! CEASE! DESIST! I AM YOUR CREATOR! I AM YOUR KING! I AM MOJO JOJO! OBEY MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!''''' * ''[covers the Professor's mouth]'' Shut up! I was afraid of this. They've returned and found out just what their powers can ''really'' do. ''[dragging him away]'' Come! You will make a good "Power-proof" vest! * ''[tilting the Professor's neck to stop the Girls from attacking him]'' That's better. It's good you little freaks know when you're beaten. Now if you'll excuse me, I, Mojo Jojo, have a town to take over. I have a world to conquer! I have to seize control of an area and force its inhabitants to follow ''my'' way of thinking! * [[Ken Livingstone|Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,]] I, Mojo Jojo, have succeeded in my first, greatest, and most brilliant plan ever! And I, Mojo Jojo, '''SHALL BE ''KING!''''' ==Dialogue== :''[A shot of the skyline of Townsville at night. Amidst the shadows and lighted windows of the skyscrapers, a light emanates from the center of the shot]'' :'''Narrator''': ''[first lines]'' The city of Townsville... :''[An [[w:explosion|explosion]] is heard, and a [[w:red|red]] [[w:hue|hue]] emanates down on Townsville streets. An alarm is heard in the distance]'' :'''Narrator''': ...is in some serious, serious, ''serious'' trouble! :''[The camera zooms in on a burning building, followed by a donut shop, and several other buildings. The alarm continues in the background]'' :'''Narrator''': Day after day, ''crime,'' ''lawlessness'' and ''evil'' are running rampant. It's citizens have lost all hope. They are utterly helpless and in desperate need of a true hero. But who? Is there no one who can help this forsaken town and make it a better place? :''[The camera transitions to a long shot of a [[w:grocery store|grocery store]] aisle, with a light music background, as the Professor slowly walks into the scene, rising high above the camera]'' :'''Narrator''': Fear not, fair viewers, for there is a man, a man of science. A forward-thinking man who looks back, back to a sweeter time, when there was a spice to life, and everything was... :''[Fuzzy Lumpkins cocks an elephant gun at the distressed cashier woman]'' :'''Narrator''': Nice. :''[The woman nervously hands Fuzzy the [[w:money|money]] as he smiles evilly. The Professor looks on in sadness and slumps his back as he exits]'' :'''Narrator''': I must profess, sir, this man holds the ingredients to Townsville’s salvation! :''[The Professor looks back in fear, confronted by the imposing Gangreen Gang]'' :'''Narrator''': This man is known simply as... :''[Ace lands a punch to the Professor’s face as the view cuts to black]'' :'''Narrator''': the Professor. :''[The scene cuts to an extreme close-up of Jojo's face, screeching wildly in a psychotic frenzy. He's in a laboratory in the basement of the Professor's suburban home. Jojo leaps from table to table to floor, destroying beakers and other fragile objects in his wake in his crazed rampage. Pan to the Professor, grocery bag in one hand and head in the other, looking very tired and distressed from what happened outside Malph's with the Gangreen Gang as he watches Jojo's destruction with a distant sadness. As each scene pauses, Jojo destroys a [[w:Television|TV]], unreels an old-fashioned magnetic tape computer, removes papers from a file cabinet, destroys a glass tubing set by hanging on it until it collapses from the stress, and punches a wall [[w:clock|clock]] while the Professor adds in the infamous ingredients of [[w:What Are Little Boys Made Of?|Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice]], and mixes it in angles similar to the cartoon opening. Jojo pushes the Professor in the back, causing his stirring rod to smash into a beaker of thick black liquid suspended over the pot. The words "Chemical X" are seen in black lettering as the liquid drains from the beaker. The Professor stands hunched over the concoction, a look of combined horror and fascination written on his face as it bubbles and churns in an eerily pink glow. Sensing the reaction becoming more agitated, he backs away from the pot, as Jojo looks on in curiosity. The Professor runs for cover, as Jojo's watches the now violently bubbling mixture, fixated, pretty much staring at it up close, oblivious to what is about to happen. A loud explosion is heard as the screen cuts to black again. Each familiar giggle from three little girls is heard. The Professor is thrown back into the wall from the explosion. He lifts his head and opens his eyes to look up at something, then bolts to his feet. He approaches the creations with his eyes wide and jaw dropped, he cocks his head. From the Professor's point of view, [[w:3|three]] adorable, pint-sized [[w:Girl|girls]] with big heads and eyes, and stubby arms and legs face him, smiling. They have different hairstyles, colored dresses which match their irises, matching socks and shoes, and the first girl has a red bow on her hair]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[first words]'' Hi! :''[The Professor screams]'' :'''Blossom''': What's your name? :'''Professor''': ''[first words]'' Oh. Um, my name is, um… Uh, Professor. Professor Utonium. Hello. :''[He bows to the girls with a shrug]'' :'''Girls''': Hello, Professor Utonium, it's very nice to meet you. :'''Professor''': It's very nice to meet you too. Um, uh, what are ''your'' names? :'''Blossom''': Well, you made us. So shouldn't we also ''name'' us? :'''Professor''': Um, OK. Oh, this is so cool. Well, now, let's see. Because of your directness and opening right up to me, I think I'll call you Blossom. :''[The pink girl, Blossom, looks pleased. As the blue girl giggles, Blossom and the green girl watch her with puzzled looks]'' :'''Professor''': Well, aren't you all cute and bubbly? That's it, you'll be my little Bubbles. So, we have Blossom, Bubbles and… :''[The green girl, who is about to be named, blinks patiently]'' :'''Professor''': Buttercup. Because it also begins with a B. :'''Buttercup''': ''[first words]'' Hmph. :''[Buttercup glares as she crosses her arms]'' :'''Professor''': And together, you're 3 perfect, little g-- G-- '''Gifts!''' Birthday! It's your birthday, I should get gifts! :''[The Professor runs upstairs]'' :'''Professor''': Wow, I can't believe it! I wanted to create some kids I could teach good and bad, right and wrong, and in turn, maybe they'd do some good for this terrible town, and now I can! :''[The Utonium house is a three-blocked house with a tall middle piece with no windows]'' :'''Professor''': All I've gotta do is be a good parent! :''[He drives his car away from the house for a moment, then returns]'' :'''Professor''': Note to self - good parents don't leave their kids home alone. :''[The Professor runs back downstairs to the lab with wrapped gifts]'' :'''Professor''': Sugar, spice and everything nice? Who would've guessed that's what girls are actually made of? I still can't believe it worked, that I've actually made 3 perfect little girls! 3 perfect, normal little g-- :''[The Professor slips off the stairs and falls as he screams. From a flash of pink light, Blossom catches him]'' :'''Blossom''': Professor, you should be more careful when you're coming down the steps. You could get hurt. :''[Buttercup and Bubbles each hold 3 wrapped presents with each color]'' :'''Buttercup''': Hey, are these for us? :''[The Professor nods and the girls each zoom off]'' :'''Buttercup''': Yeah! :'''Bubbles''': ''[first words]'' Yippee! :'''Blossom''': Thanks, Professor! :''[The Professor lifts a hand as if to say something then drops to his knees as he watches the girls rapidly rip the wrapping paper off of the gifts while laughing and giggling. He looks over at the broken beaker of Chemical X, then smiles]'' :'''Buttercup''': ''[holding a pile of various [[w:Toy|toys]]'' Hey, thanks! :'''Blossom''': ''[holding a [[w:globe|globe]] of the Earth on a stack of books]'' Yes, Professor, thank you! :'''Bubbles''': ''[holds a plush [[w:purple|purple]] [[w:octopus|octopus]] with a [[w:top hat|top hat]], whose name is Octi]'' This is the best gift ever, Dad. :''[She kisses his cheek and floats upward. The Professor smiles warmly and looks up at his newly created daughters]'' :'''Professor''': Yes, it is. :''[The camera slowly pulls back, with the girls flying happily above the Professor. We see a profile of Jojo, his silhouetted brain obviously sticking far out of his skull, a definite side-effect of when he was looking too closely at the mixture that created the girls when it blew. He does not know what to make of this, and slowly skulks away into the darkness. The view fades to black. Snap to the exterior of the house the next day. Inside, the Professor and the girls are in an empty room whose floor is covered with tarps. Each of the four has a paint roller, and cans and a flat paint pan are nearby.]'' :'''Professor''': Okay, girls, now watch me! :''[He paints a pink streak on the wall; the screen immediately fills with splashes of the same color as the girls catch on. A moment more and they have stopped—the room is completely pink from floor to ceiling, but he is nowhere to be seen. His outline appears against the fresh coat of paint, and he steps away from the wall; his entire back half has been painted pink, while the area shielded by his body has not. He turns his head to look back at them, revealing his face as another area that did not get painted. The girls clap their hands to their mouths in surprise.]'' :'''Professor''': ''[chuckling]'' I think you missed a spot! :''[He runs the roller over his face; they have a good laugh at this. Now he heads for the door, the bare spot having been painted—as was the rest of his front from the neck down, apparently.]'' :'''Professor''': I'll go wash up, then we'll bring in the furniture. :''[This, then, is to be the girls’ bedroom. Close-up of the bathroom sink, where he is washing his hands, then pull back to frame him and his reflection in the mirror. He has taken off his lab coat, rolled up his shirt sleeves, and scrubbed all the paint off. In the open doorway behind him, we see the girls flash past and down over the railing at the top of the stairs. The sound causes him to look up in surprise; cut to outside the door as he steps out and dries his face with a towel.]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, wait! You should let me.... :''[He trails off as the camera pulls back. Pieces of furniture are being hurled into view from the ground floor, flying over the railing and neatly through the open bedroom door.]'' :'''Professor''': ''[bewildered]'' ....help? :''[When the barrage of home furnishings ends, the girls fly in after it. Cut to inside the room, which has now been made up as we know it on the show—including the vanity with heart-shaped mirror and the wide bed with three-color blanket. The Professor walks in to have a look around as the girls float overhead. He has ditched his towel.]'' :'''Professor''': Whoa-ho-ho! This looks pretty good! What do you think? :'''Bubbles''': Hmm...I think it's a little dark. :'''Buttercup''': Well, I like it dark. :'''Blossom''': Some windows might be nice. :'''Professor''': Yeah. I could see some windows ''[walking into view, indicating a spot]'' right about here. I'll call a contractor tomo- ''[cuts himself off suddenly; back to the girls, whose eyes have begun to glow red, their lasers warm up. Cut to the exterior of the house as their beams, in a row, pierce the wall and trace out one large circle each. The cut sections tumble to the front lawn after the girls stop firing; inside, the Professor cowers near one of the openings, his hair singed and total shock written all over his face. The cut edges still glow red from the heat, and wisps of smoke rise around him]'' Or, heh, that works, too. ''[the red glow stops; he regains his composure]'' Who's hungry? :''[Cut to the kitchen]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[holding a loaf of bread]'' Ready? :'''Bubbles and Buttercup''': ''[holding 2 jars of peanut butter and jelly]'' Ready. :'''Blossom''': Go! :''[She machine-guns slices of bread at her sisters, who in turn fire back with globs of peanut butter and jelly. When he closes the fridge and turns to face the camera, with an armload of milk and fruit, he throws himself back against the door to try and avoid the barrage. The components collide in midair and fall to the kitchen table to form a tall stack of PB&J sandwiches; the girls, sitting around the table, then strafe this with their eye lasers and the crusts fall off, neatly trimmed. They are a bit taken aback at the approach of the Professor, whose splattered face and clothes show that he was unable to get out of the line of fire. He smiles and sets down a tray with three glasses of milk and the carton. Cut to the exterior of the house as the laughter of all four makes itself heard from inside. It dies away after a moment, and the sky fades into evening while the house lights come on. Inside, he walks into the living room and wipes his hands on a towel. He has cleaned up and again taken off the coat and rolled up his sleeves]'' :'''Professor''': Okay, girls. Time for... ''[once again he stops short; this time, the reason is that all three of them have completely conked out. Blossom, on the floor, has books and notes piled around her; Buttercup is on the couch, with various action toys nearby and the TV remote in her hand; Bubbles, also on the floor, has crayons and paper scattered about, and Octi is nearby as well. Close-up of Blossom, panning to each of the others in the order given; softly]'' ...bed. :''[Cut to the bathroom, where he washes Blossom's face, then to the bed, where he pulls Buttercup's nightgown down over her arms. The last one seen is Bubbles, already in bed and with her clothes changed. He reaches down and tucks Octi under her arm; she smiles and snuggles with the doll. None of the girls looks anywhere close to being awake in this sequence. With all three in bed, he pulls up the blanket to cover them - this is the first time we can see the headboard, which has its trademark pink heart but no PPG initials as in the series. Cut to the bedroom door; now looking tenderly in from outside, he switches off the lights and pulls it shut behind him as the scene fades to black. Snap to the living room, the camera angled up to frame the second-story balcony. The Professor walks away from the door and down the stairs. As he sets to the job of tidying up the clutter left by the girls, he picks up one of Bubbles' drawings and looks at it. His expression melts into one of gentle affection; after a moment, cut to a close-up of the drawing, a rough, scribbly crayon rendition of all four. Fade to black]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Snap to the exterior of the house the next morning. Inside, the Professor approaches the girls’ bed, their dresses over his arm, and they wake up]'' :'''Professor''': Wake up, girls, Time for school. :'''Girls''': What's school? :''[The exterior of Pokey Oaks Kindergarten, with the Professor's car parked on the street in front. He and the girls are near the open classroom door, and Ms. Keane is hunched down to the girls. We can hear the other kids in the class laughing and playing inside]'' :'''Ms. Keane''': This is school. I'm your teacher, Ms. Keane, and this is where kids come to learn. ''[gesturing toward door]'' See? :''[Inside, the other kids are doing various things: reading, drawing, playing with toys, and so forth. Mitch Mitchellson and Harry Pitt are among them. One boy approaches]'' :'''Boy''': Hey, you wanna play? :''[The girls think it over for a moment, then look eagerly up at Ms. Keane, who nods happily. Giggling, they follow the boy]'' :'''Professor''': ''[nervously]'' Um...do you think they'll be okay? 'Cause I'm new at this parenting thing, and I wanted to come and meet you and see them off on their first day 'cause they're really special. I mean, really special, and I just want to make sure they'll be okay. So what do you think? Do you think they'll be...okay? :'''Ms. Keane''': They'll be just fine, Professor. We'll see you at noon. :'''Professor''': Okay. Bye, girls! Bye! Bye! Bye-bye! Bye! Bye! :''[Through this last, she rolls her eyes and pushes him gently but firmly out the door. Walking back in, she closes it and turns her attention to the class]'' :'''Ms. Keane''': Okay, class, take your seats. :'''Girl 1''': Ms. Keane, can Blossom sit with us? :'''Girl 2''': ''[pulls Bubbles]'' Can we sit with Bubbles? :'''Mitch Mitchelson''': Can Buttercup sit over here? :'''Ms. Keane''': ''[gathers up the girls to the center where they sit at the table]'' The girls can sit right here in the middle, so they'll be next to everyone! :'''Class''': Yay! :'''Ms. Keane''': ''[now at the chalkboard]'' Now, let's begin! :''[Keane focus on the clock, which fades from 9 am to noon. She hears a knock on the door. It's the Professor, waving sheepishly with a silly grin]'' :'''Keane''': Hello, Professor, right on time! Your girls are right outside with the other children. :''[The Professor spies the messy classroom, and becomes distraught]'' :'''Professor''': Oh no! Look at this mess! Ohh, I knew the girls would be a handful, but I'm so sorry. :'''Keane''': What, this? ''[scoffs]'' This is what happens when you put 20 little kids in one room. Your girls were perfect. Perfect, normal, well-behaved little girls. :'''Professor''': Nothing out of the ordinary? :'''Keane''': No, like what? :''[The scene cuts to the girls, with another child, named Kim. Buttercup and Blossom watch on as Bubbles plays hopscotch, throwing a stone to the second square and hopping there. Blossom approves while Buttercup frowns]'' :'''Blossom''': That was sweet! :'''Buttercup''': What's the point of this game anyway? :''[Mitch runs up, and bumps Kim]'' :'''Mitch''': [[w:Tag (game)|Tag!]] You're it! :''[Kim giggles as she runs after him. The kids all run away from the girl in a circular pattern, while the Utonium kids stand still in confusion]'' :'''Blossom''': Whoa! Everyone's running from that girl! It's like she's been infected! :'''Buttercup''': Maybe she's a freak. :'''Bubbles''': Yeah, and they hate her! :''[A nondescript girl appears, and touches Bubbles on the arm. She looks very distressed]'' :'''Girl #3''': Tag, you're it! :'''Bubbles''': Oh no! I've been infected! :''[Mitch walks in.]'' :'''Mitch''': All right, what's going on here? :'''Bubbles''': I've been infected. :'''Mitch''': ''[smacks head]'' You're not infected, it's just a game! :'''Bubbles''': It is? :'''Mitch''': Yeah! :'''Blossom''': A game; neat! :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, how do we play? :'''Mitch''': ''[groans]'' OK, look. It's very simple. Bubbles, tag me. :''[He outstretches his arm to Bubbles. She looks hesitantly at it.]'' :'''Mitch''': Come on, it's okay. :''[Very slowly, she reaches forward and pokes him quickly before quickly withdrawing]'' :'''Mitch''': All right, now I'm it. And all you gots to do to play is tag someone else. :''[He tags Buttercup]'' :'''Mitch''': And they're it! :''[He walks out and back]'' :'''Mitch''': By the way, you're it! :''[He runs off. Buttercup shakes her arms]'' :'''Buttercup''': Awesome, I'm it! What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?! :'''Mitch''': ''[running away]'' Just tag someone else! And ''they're'' it! :''[Buttercup looks at him a bit uncertainly. Then her eyes shift over to her sisters, as her brows furrow in a mischievously wicked smile. Blossom and Bubbles look at each other uneasily, then back at Buttercup, nervous smiles planted on their faces. Then run off slowly, as Buttercup breaks into a big smile and pursues them. The other two girls giggle as they run. Looking back, Blossom sees her green sister catching up to them]'' :'''Blossom''': Time to put it into overdrive, Bubbles! :''[The duo speed up in tempo with the music, quickly passing by Ms. Keane, the Professor, and the other school children. Buttercup senses this and likewise increases her speed. The other two girls see where this is going, and again increase their speed, their eyes clenched shut in concentration. As the girls continue to increase their speed, the music reaches a frantic pace, and the scenery becomes a speedy blur. As Buttercup races forward, a green trail begins to emanate behind her, and a streak of fire issues from her feet. Bubbles, blissfully unaware of her sister's proximity, is caught unawares as Buttercup gives her a full-force shove, sending her careening out of control]'' :'''Buttercup''': Tag! You're IT! :''[Accentuating her last word, Bubbles is sent grinding into the pavement and blasting a huge wall into the side of the school. The schoolyard audience leaps back in shock and fear. Bubbles comes bursting out of the roof in a blue parabolic arc, feet jackknifing downwards as she falls]'' :'''Bubbles''': I'm gonna tag you guys now! :''[The other girls quickly break through the schoolyard fence, narrowly avoiding capture as Bubbles slams into the pavement, creating a dust cloud and a large crater. As she slowly pops her head out of the hole, Buttercup and Blossom are a good ten yards away, standing straight and looking at their deposed sister]'' :'''Buttercup''': Haha! You missed us! :''[Bubbles stands there pensively for a moment, then quickly smashes them into a house across the street.]'' :'''Bubbles''': Haha! Tag! You're it! :''[The scene zooms back to show the desiccated house and the skyline of Townsville. As the girls' voices fade out, the results of their mayhem become apparent, as explosions, crashes, flying trees, cars, and cows evidence their destruction]'' :'''Blossom''': No! No, I'm not! Tag, you're it! :'''Buttercup''': Tag! :'''Blossom''': Missed me! No, you're it! :'''Buttercup''': Missed me! :'''Blossom''': Tag! :'''Bubbles''': Tag! :'''Buttercup''': Gotcha! :'''Blossom''': Missed me! :''[Their voices trail off into the distance, as a slow pan shows the school children looking onward in gaping astonishment and shock at what they just witnessed. The scene zooms in on the Professor and Ms. Keane. As the teacher stares blankly at what has just transpired, the Professor grins sheepishly again, and takes this convenient opportunity to leave unnoticed through the quite-ample new doorway. The scene cuts to the Professor rushing off from home in his car. His license plate reads "PRFDADY" (a reference to either the words "Professor, Daddy", or a sly reference to Craig McCracken's handle "Puff-Daddy" on PPG forums.) Bubbles and Buttercup, flying at super speed, rush through the city and over a sign that reads, "You are now leaving the City of Townsville".]'' :'''Bubbles''': Whee! :''[Blossom busts right through the sign, clearly the one who is it. The Professor, moments too late, speeds down the nearby street.]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, no! Wait! :''[Bubbles and Buttercup zip around buildings to avoid their tagged sister. The view focuses in on Blossom, hairbow swept back by the wind as she makes several hairpin turns. In a rear view, as she starts to catch up to her other sisters, they speed up, setting all three off in a dazzling whirl of 90 degree turns through the city streets. As they fly, they drag items from papers to cars in the vacuum of their wake. A red ball is also seen bouncing merrily along. At one point, Blossom gasps and grinds her feet to a halt in front of two very surprised people. Using her super hearing, accentuated by animated sonar waves, Blossom cups her arm to her ear, hearing Buttercup's joyful laughter, and a taunting "can't catch me" from Bubbles. (The building reads 801 a reference to PPG801, the codename and web address for the PPG movie before the official website.) Pausing momentarily to decide where to go, Blossom zips off to the right, leaving the two onlookers to stare at her trail, before narrowly avoiding the flying debris that strikes the building's front, notably a car, whose collision is accentuated from several angles. The Professor, still in control of his vehicle, is not far behind, hanging a hard right to follow Blossom. His face is marked with worry.]'' :'''Professor''': Oh no! :''[The same red ball bumps into the Professor's car and continues down Blossom's path. The scene changes to Blossom, keeping her at a fixed distance and focus as she nimbly zooms down city streets. As the camera stops, the roadway behind her glows red and cracks, erupting into flaming debris. Becoming more careless now, Blossom zigzags down a street, leaving a canyon-sized streak behind her. The scene briefly shifts to Buttercup, who has chosen to flee by flying. At a three-way intersection, Buttercup turns left, and the rampaging Blossom just passes her on the straightaway. Turning back o.c., she pummels her way back down Buttercup's path. Following Blossom fixedly behind again, she pursues her flying sister down several twisting streets. Inside a car, a tall thin long-haired young male driver and his shorter, fatter black-haired male friend cry out as the two girls zoom out right in front of them and into busy traffic. (Their appearance could be a reference to Jay and Silent Bob, makers of and actors in such fine titles as Clerks and Mallrats) The driver brakes hard and jerks left, ramming into a large store windowpane. Destroying several more cars, Blossom admires her handiwork, then gasps as she looks forward and notices the traffic jam in front of her. She narrowly zigs between the car lanes, and up onto the side of the adjacent buildings, leaving a similar gouging pattern behind her. The view adjusts sideways, as Blossom runs parallel to the ground across the buildings. Bubbles, for her part, seems to be enjoying this immensely, eyes closed and arms outstretched as she lets out a girlish "whee!" Blossom sees her fly by in the opposite direction, and returning to the ground again, she briefly stops at a street corner before returning alternately to the buildings and ground. Now on her blonde sister's tracks, she pursues the unseen Bubbles down several more streets. Something catches her attention, and she stops, looking upwards with a gasp. The camera focuses in on her head. Her pupils contract rapidly, with a sound similar to a lens instrument focusing in on a distant object. It's a large glass dome ball atop a building, similar in form to a disco ball. Seeing Bubbles' trail in its reflective surface, Blossom zooms in closer and closer to calculate her sister's location]'' :'''Blossom''': Subway, huh? :''[Her eyes re-dilate, and she scopes the nearest subway entrance, and she darts down the tunnel in a spiral fashion, leaving her customary trail. Bubbles is still blissfully unaware of her would-be captor, continuing to fly without heed to direction. Blossom exits the subway and stands confidently at its exit. Bubbles gasps, suddenly aware of her sister's plot, and hitting the pavement, grinds to a halt mere inches from her sister]'' :'''Blossom''': Tag! You're it! :''[She flies off slowly, an air of smugness written all over her as she blows a raspberry at Bubbles, who for her part takes this in for a moment, then looks quite angry, bursting upwards at high velocity and leaving a massive crater behind her. The debris hits several buildings, and narrowly misses the Professor's car. He gasps as he spots the girls]'' :'''Professor''': There they are! :''[Before he can finish, he hits the crater left by Bubbles, and his car does a complete backflip with a perfect landing. The red ball hits his car again]'' :'''Blossom''': Watch out, here she comes! :''[Bubbles is now the pursuer. Narrowly missing her sisters, she backpedals by pushing off of the glass globe, which we can now clearly see is the logo of Olive Corp. The impact shatters the narrow base, and the sphere rolls off the building top. As pedestrians scream in horror, the globe smashes into a street way and starts rolling downwards, the surroundings mirrored in its surface. It hits a building at a street corner, and turns onto another road, smashing stores left and right as it bumps back-and-forth down the street. A distant shot shows the girls continuing to flee from Bubbles, smashing into various buildings along the way. As they head towards ground, the force of one impact actually causes the road to curl upwards, sending cars hurling upwards as the wave of asphalt hits them. Buttercup, stationary, pops her head out from behind a corner building, laughing to herself for giving her sisters the slip]'' :'''Buttercup''': Hah, suckers! :''[The road wave reaches Buttercup, and she is sent spinning vertically into the air, with a blank expression on her face. Bubbles zooms up to her and tags her just at the height of her climb]'' :'''Bubbles''': Tag, you're it! :''[The scene cuts to inside a rather swank looking home high above the city, where a smooth-talking gentleman is wooing a young lady. A car is seeing hurtling towards the room's full-wall windows]'' :'''Smooth Man''': You know, I've got a nice car. :''[The scene cuts away right before the car hits, and from down below, the Professor looks upwards at the high-story impact, as glass rains down on his car. He spies the girls, finally stopped, high in the air in a circle]'' :'''Professor''': Huh? :''[Blossom and Bubbles tag Buttercup]'' :'''Both''': Tag, you're it! :'''Buttercup''': Hey! :''[The two girls disappear behind a post-modern style building, and Buttercup, looking left and right, gives a banshee scream as she angrily realizes she's lost them. Tired of playing around, she smashes a beeline right through several buildings. Blossom and Bubbles are standing calmly above a building similar to the Seattle Space Needle]'' :'''Blossom''': She'll never find us up here! :''[Buttercup smashes through several more buildings in a fury of anger]'' :'''Blossom''': Do you hear something? :''[The pursuer smashes through a sign labeled gas, which for some reason, is actually filled with a flammable substance. She zooms forward, trailing the edge of the giant fireball billowing out behind her]'' :'''Blossom''': Whoa! Run! :''[As the two anxiously flee, Buttercup zooms behind them and taps them both. Their forms are silhouetted behind the massive fireball emanating in the background]'' :'''Buttercup''': Tag, you're both it! :''[The three stop, and argue as a fire rages on behind them]'' :'''Blossom''': Hey! We can't both be it! :'''Buttercup''': Why not? :''[Bubbles touches Blossom]'' :'''Bubbles''': Tag! :'''Blossom''': What?! I can't be it twice! :'''Bubbles''': Why not? :'''Blossom''': OK then, tag! Now you guys are it! :'''Buttercup''': ''[to Bubbles]'' Tag! :'''Bubbles''': ''[to the other two]'' Tag! :'''Buttercup''': Hey, no tag backs! ''[to Blossom]'' Tag! :'''Blossom''': ''[to Bubbles]'' Tag! :'''Girls''': Tag, tag, tag, tag, tag, tag, tag! :''[The Professor turns a corner and screeches to a halt. He has a good view of the girls from a giant hole through several buildings]'' :'''Girls''': Tag, tag, tag! You're it! No, you're it! :''[They take off again, in an elaborate design of flying patterns, as the scene slowly pulls back, moving inside a stately room, where the Mayor looks at the raging destruction]'' :'''Mayor of Townsville''': Oh, boy. :''[The Mayor throws open a set of large double doors, his now-visible face revealing a [[w:Hair loss|bald head]], top hat, [[w:white|white]] [[w:moustache|mustache]] and single [[w:Monocle|monocle]] with one eye clenched shut. A sash across his chest says "Mayor". As he scuttles his small legs across the red-carpeted floor, he continues to chant to himself]'' :'''Mayor of Townsville''': Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. ''[the girls again. Now the Professor has to dodge wrecked cars and craters as he drives. Cut to a set of doors at the top of a staircase inside Townsville Hall; these are thrown open by the Mayor, who then descends the steps]'' Oh boy. :'''Sara Bellum''': ''[catches him up to him with a clipboard in her hand]'' "Oh boy" is right, Mayor. It's terrible, the town is being destroyed by three girls with freakish powers. This is a very serious situation. What action do you propose we take? :''[The action continues to switch between the girls, Professor, and Mayor once more. Several concerned businessmen are shoving papers in Bellum's off-screened face]'' :'''Ms. Bellum''': Don't worry, gentlemen, the Mayor and I have the situation under control. :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy. :'''Ms. Bellum''': I know, sir. :''[The scenes rotate again. Now, a large crowd of people is surrounding the two politicians]'' :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy. :'''Ms. Bellum''': You tell them, Mayor. Townsville will not stand for this kind of behavior. :''[The scenes rotate again. Now, the mayoral group is outside, led by the diminutive public official]'' :'''Ms. Bellum''': Uh, Mayor? Hello? City being destroyed? Where are you going? :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy! :'''Ms. Bellum''': Mayor, what are you doing? We're in a serious pickle. :'''Mayor''': Exactly. :''[The group stops mid-stride. The mayor is in front of a food cart. The Professor rushes behind the girls.]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, no! :''[The vendor is seen busying himself inside the food cart]'' :'''Mayor''': [clears throat] Hello. :''[The vendor pops his head out. He looks like the Mayor, but with a [[w:Black|black]] mustache, a bad Italian hat, and an even worse Italian accent]'' :'''Cucor''': Hello. :'''Mayor''': The usual, Cucor. :''[At this point, we can see that Cucor's nose looks like a giant bumpy pickle]'' :'''Cucor''': ''[approving smack; mwah]'' Ahh, yes. I have a fine vintage for you here. Picked fresh today. :''[Heavenly music plays as a detailed view of a moist green [[w:Pickled cucumber|pickle]] is lofted high with a pair of tongs, brine dripping off its bumpy surface]'' :'''Mayor''': Oh, boy! :''[Glimpses show the continually tagging girls and the Mayor slowly bringing the pickle towards his mustachioed lips. As the girls barrel forward, they strike the pickle cart outside Town Hall, the resultant explosion blasting everyone backward. As the smoke clears, it reveals a giant impact crater left by the girls' impact, and the vendor cart demolished. The girls are lying down in the center, laughing giddily and rapidly talking about the game. The Professor runs into the scene and over the pile of dazed bodies]'' :'''Professor''': Girls, girls, are you OK? :''[All three get up and touch the Professor]'' :'''Girls''': Tag! You're it, Professor! ''[laughing]'' :''[Somber music plays as the Mayor is shown lying prostrate on the ground, his beloved pickle tumbled out of his grasp. In a long zoom out from Town Hall, the true extent of destruction is shown, as the glass ball smashes into another building and comes to a halt. The camera does an extreme zoom out, showing the entire city of Townsville, and revealing the true extent of the damage. Buildings are pockmarked with house-sized holes, and the Space Needle building's top takes this opportunity to fall over and jabs into the ground like an oversized dart]'' <hr width=50%> :''[A stack of newspapers hits the street. It's the Townsville Tribune. On the top half of the cover is a cut-off picture of Buttercup, with the words "Freaky Bug-Eyed Weirdo Girls Broke Everything" in large bold print, ala New York Times. In the shadows of an alley, the pink eyes of Jojo are seen reading the paper. (The paper is a wealth of inside jokes. The face of Craig McCracken, the series creator, is seen in a watermark in the upper left corner. The paper also reads July 3rd the opening date of the Powerpuff movie. And the back has a picture of a Gorillaz poster.) Jojo's voice has obviously lowered]'' :'''Jojo''': Hmm. ''[laughing maniacally]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The girls' reflections are mirrored in the large glass dome as they walk by it. The camera zooms in on Buttercup]'' :'''Buttercup''': Well, it's official. I have no idea where we are. :'''Blossom''': Well, I can't say it's been the best day. :'''Bubbles''': But it probably couldn't get much worse. :''[On the cue, it starts to rain hard. Buttercup starts to yell out and Bubbles begins to cry.]'' :'''Blossom''': Hey, it's OK. Maybe there's a box we can get in around back. Come on. :''[The girls walk behind what looks like Malph's Market]'' :'''Blossom''': See, there’s a whole bunch of boxes. <hr width=50%> :''[After Jojo, who is a hobo, saved the girls from the Gangreen Gang, they pursued him down the rainy alley. Jojo seeks refuge in a [[w:Box|box]]. As the girls run up searching in his direction, Blossom is the first to spot him]'' :'''Blossom''': Hey, guys, over here! Hi! What's your name? I'm Blossom. :'''Buttercup''': Buttercup. :'''Bubbles''': And I'm Bubbles! :'''Jojo''': ''[first words; with Japanese accent]'' Go away, please. Don't look at me. :'''Blossom''': But we just wanted to thank you for saving us from those green gangsters back there. :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, that was amazing with the trash can lid! It was all fwish, bang, crash, bam, boom! :'''Bubbles''': Yeah, you rock! :''[The scene slowly zooms in on Jojo. His eyes open in the darkness]'' :'''Jojo''': No, please, I dare not listen. For I have been lashed by harsh tongues for too long. Alas, my little ones, I do not rock. For I, Jojo, am a monster. :''[As Jojo scowls, lightning flashes briefly revealing his face]'' :'''Blossom''': You're not a monster. Monsters are evil. :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, and anybody who would save us like you did is so not evil. :'''Bubbles''': You're no monster, mister. You're just really dirty. :'''Jojo''': Please, you're just trying to make me feel better. But my pain is not for you to understand. Besides, how could you? For you are pure and innocent, and most certainly loved. :''[The girls glance at each other]'' :'''Jojo''': How could you know what it is to be cast out into a world that only offers misery? How could you know what it's like for people to fear and despise you for the very things that make you special? :''[The girls drop their heads in a silent understanding]'' :'''Jojo''': Because you don't fit in! Because you are... '''''A FREAK!!!!!!''''' :''[Jojo emerges from his box, his grocery bag in hand, revealing his huge brain after the explosion that originally created the girls]'' :'''Blossom''': Because... ''[as they float up a distance; cut to their perspective—he looks up, stunned]'' we're freaks, too. :''[Cut back to ground level, just behind Jojo]'' :'''Jojo''': What amazing powers! :'''Blossom''': No, they're terrible! :'''Jojo''': I'll bet everyone hates them. :'''Buttercup''': Yeah! :'''Jojo''': And they hate you, too? :'''Bubbles''': ''[small voice]'' Yes. :'''Jojo'''; ''[turns away, his eyes tearing up.]'' I am in the same boat. This brain is full of brilliant ideas! But will anyone listen? No. Nothing in this gray matters... ''[walking back into box]'' so what's the point? :''[The girls land in front of it]'' :'''Bubbles''': Oh, Jojo, don't be sad. ''[just inside; the girls are seen around his silhouette, and the rain stops]'' Our dad says that sometimes people get angry when they don't understand something special or unique. ''[as his eyes open—narrowed and calculating; he faces us]'' :'''Blossom''': And if you just give people time, they'll start to understand your specialness. ''[as he grins nastily]'' :''[Outside the box again; he pokes his head out]'' :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, you just gotta believe in yourself! :'''Jojo''': ''[eagerly, rapid-fire]'' You mean, if I take the time to construct my most ingenious plan, the-help-the-town-and-make-it-a-better-place-machine, then people will come to understand my specialness? :'''Buttercup''': Uhh... :'''Jojo''': Okay, I'll do it! But I'll need your help! :''[Long shot of the volcano in the middle of the park. There is no observatory on its peak. At this distance, neither the girls nor Jojo is visible]'' :'''Girls''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :''[Close-up of the crater, all four at its edge. Jojo has his bag on again and is holding a piece of equipment shaped like a large, thick, stubby pencil. Even though the weather is now calm, his scarf continues to billow under its own power—just like the cape that will ultimately replace it.]'' :'''Jojo''': Jump in, take this device and build it into the volcano - we need to harness the energy of the Earth's core for power! :'''Blossom''': What are you talking about? :'''Jojo''': The plan! :'''Buttercup''': What plan? :'''Jojo''': Our plan! :'''Bubbles''': To do what? :'''Jojo''': To make the town better, of course. :'''Girls''': What? :'''Jojo''': You know. ''[pulling out a blueprint]'' Using my ideas and your powers... ''[his perspective; he spreads out the plans in front of them. They show the observatory as we now know it, with detailed views of a cluster of globes and a cylindrical enclosure. Note; These plans carry the PPG-801 designation, and when Jojo moves his hand, we can see that they were approved by Cartoon Network Studios]'' we will build the help-the-town-and-make-it-a-better-place machine. That way everyone will see that our special abilities are good, then everyone will love us. Remember? It was ''your'' idea! :'''Blossom''': Uhh.. oh yeah! But use our powers? ''[Back and forth between Jojo and the girls]'' :'''Jojo''': Yes! :'''Buttercup''': No way! :'''Jojo''': Come on! :'''Bubbles''': Nuh-uh. We're never using our powers again. :'''Jojo''': Oh, girls, don't be sad. Your powers are great! You just gotta believe in yourself. :''[Jojo gives them a calculating, sly grin—the sort they would never trust if they had run into him before this encounter—and they look to each other, then toward the crater. Their images are reflected from the surface of the boiling lava within; from here, the camera tilts up to point across the crater and into the night. After a long moment, a tri-colored light streak flashes down from above and splashes into the volcano. Jojo grins broadly at the sight. Inside the volcano, the girls plunge through the lava, holding their breath and hauling the equipment. They go deeper and deeper as the glow from the subterranean heat finally turns pure white and fills the screen. The girls fade into view and let go of their payload, point down; it remains in place, the pointed end opens, and a small platform shoots up from the blunt end. Tethered to the body by a cable, it emerges from the core and zooms toward the surface, with the girls keeping pace. Back to the crater; they and the platform emerge, throwing gobbets of lava everywhere. Jojo pays no mind to the hazard, instead jumping for joy]'' :'''Jojo''': '''''YES!!! YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Blossom''': We did good? :'''Jojo''': You did very good. Very good indeed. ''[as his eyes shift slantily]'' :'''Buttercup''': Now what do we do? [as his perspective of the plans] :'''Jojo''': First, we construct the superstructure. :''[Cut to a frozen wasteland and pan across it as the girls fly into view. They land on a patch of snow and ice beneath which the outline of a large meteorite is dimly visible, then start firing their eye lasers at this. The screen fills with steam from the vaporizing snow; when it clears, the camera has shifted into the hole they have made, which is considerable. They step to the edge and look in for a moment before Buttercup slides down, the camera following. She disappears behind the meteorite, which begins to shake and then lift away from the snow under her efforts. Back to Jojo on the crater’s lip; now a support rod protrudes into view from the o.c. platform and is anchored to the interior wall. He gives directions as the camera pulls back to show the girls holding the meteorite above the platform. Other rods anchor it to the crater wall. From here, cut to Blossom and Buttercup in midair, firing their eye lasers toward the space debris as Bubbles holds it. A stream of liquid metal pours down from it to fill an I-beam mold being held in place by Jojo, who is giving more directions. Now we see a framework of such beams under construction. Buttercup swings one over so that Bubbles can weld it to another with her eye lasers; pan to Blossom, who is bending another one into an arc to connect with one already in place. She then zaps the joint. Pull back to a long shot of the volcano, which now has the lower portion of what will become the observatory in place. Cut to the ocean floor as the girls dive toward it; sunken ships dot the view. They zip among and through several of the wrecks before arriving at a submarine whose windows glow with light, even though there is a large rip in the hull. This is promptly lifted free, and the lights flicker and go out as their source—a school of angler fish, each with a small light on the end of a stalk extending from the head—emerges and swims away. Around the sub, the scene dissolves to the night sky; the girls are holding it above the partially completed dome support frame. Jojo calls instructions from its base. Cut to a close-up of Bubbles, now standing on the floor with a beam slung over her shoulder, and pull back to show the sub now held up by her sisters as their boss looks on. She swings the beam, breaking the hull like a piñata and releasing a shower of components. Blossom and Buttercup fly back and forth and catch as many falling pieces as they can, Jojo looks over two of them, and Bubbles watches happily. He plugs two cords together and is rewarded with the glow of vacuum tubes; pull back as the walls and floor in the now-completed dome start to glow green and flash. Main power is functioning, much to the delight of all four. Jojo is at a partially built control panel in the center of the floor, with cables running toward the walls. Long shot of the volcano; now the observatory exterior has taken on its current form, complete with telescope. The girls fly away from the city, and the scene dissolves around them to a desert. Flying together in a tight circle, they create a tornado to stir up clouds of sand that fill the screen. These give way to the observatory’s interior, where the sand they picked up during this run lies in drifts near the wall. Jojo directs the girls’ work as they melt the material with their eye lasers; dissolve to them in midair, blowing the molten glass. Each ends up with a large globe that has a thin tube attached. Note: There is no dialogue through the preceding six paragraphs, and the girls’ actions are marked only by the occasional musical sound effect. Jojo wrenches on a piece of machinery. During the next line, cut to the girls as they attach the globes to a large central hub and heat-seal the joints]'' :'''Jojo''': ''[with mounting fervor]'' Look! Can't you see our plan is working? Our work is proceeding as planned! At last, our lives will be better! :''[Back to him, standing among a row of metal bases running along the wall. The girls descend into view and each set a bell-jar-shaped glass cover onto a base to create a holding tank such as that seen in the blueprint’s details]'' :'''Jojo''': At last, we will be accepted! ''[his perspective of the blueprint’s main drawing]'' At last, our greatest work is comple... :''[On the end of this, the paper is lowered o.c. to show the interior of the completed observatory. The tanks run around the chamber’s entire perimeter, electrodes fitted to their tops, and floor cables radiate out from center to walls. The assembly of globes, also matching the blueprint’s details, is suspended within a huge globe that hangs above the completed control panel. A cable or tube runs from the underside of this to the top of each tank. Back to Jojo and the girls. He is looking intently at the plans]'' :'''Jojo''': Oops. :'''Blossom''': What's wrong? :'''Jojo''': ''[sweetly]'' Well, there is one last, teeny tiny, itsy bitsy thing we still need. :''[Close-up of a flask of Chemical X, then pull back to show it in the Professor’s lab. The girls fly into view and stop in front of it; cut to the exterior of the house as they fly out through the front door, then to a long shot of the observatory as they return. It is now the following day. Inside, they stop in front of Jojo and Blossom shows him the flask, freshly purloined from the lab. He smiles and points up; the camera follows as the girls fly to the top of the huge outer globe and set the flask in a socket up there. On the ground, Jojo begins to jump for joy again]'' :'''Jojo''': '''''YES!!! YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Blossom''': We did good? :'''Jojo''': ''[as the girls descend]'' You did very good. Very good indeed. :'''Buttercup''': Now what do we do? :'''Jojo''': Well, because you've done so good, I've got a special surprise! :''[Snap to black, which resolves into the back of Buttercup’s head backing away from the camera. All three girls run toward the entrance of the Townsville Zoo, while Jojo walks behind]'' :'''Girls''': Yay! ''[as he moves farther away from the camera, his back comes into view—he is holding a camera behind it. Cut to the girls at a low wall] :'''Girls''': Ohhhh... :''[Pull back on this; they are outside the elephant pen. Jojo pays no attention to the beasts. Cut to the girls at another wall, with him still not bothering to look] :'''Girls''': Ahhhh... :''[Again, pull back as they say this to show them now watching a couple of happy seals in a pond. Cut to them at yet another wall, with Jojo still disregarding the sights]'' :'''Girls''': Ooooh... :''[Pull back on this to frame an exhibit of lions, then cut to them flying down a path. They stop and squeal happily when they reach a sign indicating that the zebras are nearby, and they zip away in its direction. After a moment, Jojo walks into view from that direction, a quiet smile on his face and only his head and shoulders visible; cut to behind him so that we can now see three puzzled girls tucked under his arms. Pull back to show that they are on the way to Primate Plaza. Monkeys hang from a branch behind a fence as the four observe. The girls are enjoying the spectacle, but Jojo seems a bit down in the mouth. His face brightens as he holds up his camera. Cut to his perspective through its viewfinder; he steps back to get them into frame, along with the monkeys, and the view shifts to point over his shoulder at the girls. After a moment, he lowers the camera and waves to one side. His perspective again: they step away, finally moving out of frame altogether and leaving the viewfinder centered on a monkey’s rump. Back to Jojo, who gives a thumbs-up and clicks the shutter release, then to the viewfinder once more. Now only Bubbles and part of Blossom are in frame as the flash goes off. The monkey screeches, claps its hands to its rump, and drops out of sight. Another camera-eye view: the girls strike various goofy poses. Pan from them to a couple of baboons, the larger one yelling at the smaller. It stops and runs away when the flash goes off. Cut to yet another silly shot of the girls in the viewfinder, then shift quickly to a large-nosed proboscis monkey sitting in a tree. At the next flash, it tumbles from its perch. Normal shot: a few Japanese macaque monkeys sitting in a steaming lagoon. One of them is scratching at another’s fur and eating the lice it picks out. At a flash from the o.c. Jojo’s camera, the one being groomed starts screeching at the lice picker. Now an old orangutan is seen eating an apple; at the next flash, it spits out its mouthful. A small, light-furred monkey makes its way from vine to vine, but falls in fright upon having its picture taken. We next see a quick series of primates and simians, each of which starts in fear and shock when the flash goes off. The tempo of Jojo’s picture taking steadily increases until the subjects are flashing by. Cut to the left end of a poster showing the stages of man’s evolution. The girls, all o.c., read the one-word description of each stage as the camera pulls back and pans toward modern man, the seventh drawing at the far right]'' :'''Buttercup''': Worthless. :'''Blossom''': Lame. :'''Bubbles''': Stupid! :'''Buttercup''': Okay. :'''Blossom''': Better. :'''Bubbles''': Almost. :'''Girls''': Awesome! :''[Each drawing has a time period under its caption. L to R: 4.5 million BC, 3.5 million BC, 2.5 million BC, 2.1 million BC, 750,000 BC, 250,000 BC, today. The modern man wears a suit and carries a briefcase. Pull back from the poster to frame the girls and Jojo; the girls giggle at the depictions, but he looks away with pure contempt. His eyes suddenly go wide, and the camera pulls back some distance to show what he has seen: a large mountain gorilla sitting atop a rock. Grinning wickedly, he raises his camera and takes a picture. When the flash subsides, the view has shifted to zoom in quickly on a patch of fur, after which it pulls back to frame the entire creature. It grunts briefly in surprise and starts to scratch at a spot near its shoulder. Extreme close-up of this, moving slowly over to a small electronic component now embedded among the hairs—shot from the camera. It beeps and has a flashing red light, and its shape and details vaguely resemble the braincap that Jojo will ultimately adopt as his headgear. Back to Jojo, a satisfied smile on his face; he starts o.c.]'' :'''Jojo''': Come, girls, our work is fin... ''[Pull back; he passes the girls, who are watching animals that might be prairie dogs]'' ...oh I mean... ''[Close-up of them; he contnues o.c.]'' ...time to go. :'''Girls''': Awwww... :''[Cut to him walking toward the exit, with them trailing]'' :'''Girls''': But, Jojo! ''[pass a discarded baby rattle on the next lines]'' :'''Blossom''': We haven't seen the gazelles! :'''Buttercup''': Or the crocodiles! :'''Bubbles''': Or the unicorns! [pleading] Just one unico... ''[trips over the rattle and ends up flat on her face. A baby is heard crying o.c.; she turns to look for it, and the camera follows her gaze to show a mother and two children—a young boy and said infant—on their way out. She runs after them with the toy]'' Excuse me, ma'am. I think you dropped this. :''[On the end of this line, she reaches the mother; the boy looks at her with loathing writ large. Tilt up to the woman, whose face only shows more of the same. They’re mad at Bubbles because of the damage that Bubbles and her sisters caused to the city two days earlier. She snatches the rattle away and starts to drag the boy along behind her]'' :'''Mother''': ''[contemptuous little snort]'' I thought the zoo kept all the animals in cages! ''[tilt down to the girls; Blossom consoles Bubbles]'' :'''Buttercup''': ''[calling after mother]'' Yeah? Well, you're welcome, lady! :'''Blossom''': Don't listen, Bubbles. :''[Jojo’s shadow falls over all three]'' :'''Jojo''': ''[from o.c.]'' That's right, Bubbles, do not listen. ''[stepping to them]'' All of you deafen yourselves to their heartless words. They do not know that it is their saviors they are speaking to. They are unaware that your actions will have helped change their world forever! :''[This brightens the girls’ mood quite a bit, and he gathers them up in a hug]'' :'''Jojo''': Because we have helped the town and made it a better place. :'''Blossom''': Do you think they'll be surprised? :'''Jojo''': Oh yeah. :'''Buttercup''': You think they'll still be mad at us for playing tag? :'''Jojo''': No, they'll have forgotten all about that. :'''Bubbles''': Will they love us? ''[tense silence for a moment]'' :'''Jojo''': Yes. :'''Girls''': Really? :'''Jojo''': Would I lie to you? :''[They smile at one another. Fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later that night, the girls fly back home]'' :'''Blossom''': I'm so excited! :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, we'll show 'em! :'''Bubbles''': Hey, where's...? :''[On cue, the Professor is thrown roughly head first into the house by the same policemen who arrested him earlier]'' :'''Girls''': Professor! :''[Buttercup melts the handcuffs off his wrists with her laser vision]'' :'''Professor''': Oh, girls, thank goodness you're OK! I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible, terrible parent! You must hate me for not picking you up from school. But it's not my fault. It's this town. They've gone crazy. It's like they've never seen kids playing before. I knew your powers would take some getting used to, but jail? Lawsuits? Angry mobs? What's next? :'''Girls''': Don't worry, Professor, things are going to get better. We promise. :''[Back in his volcano top observatory, Jojo now sits in the center of the contraption, discarding his coat and bag, an evil grin spread across his face. He pushes a red button, and the tracking devices planted in the monkeys' fur come to life, transporting them away from the zoo, and into pre-arranged liquid-filled cages lined in a circular fashion about Jojo. Another flip of the switch and the large glass ball contraption comes to life. The Chemical X drains from the large beaker on top, and the glass balls, spinning rapidly, each fills with a smaller dosage of the black liquid. Another dial is turned, and the room is cast into a green glow as lightning begins to spark from the balls. The liquid drains from each of the globes, and the monkeys are enveloped in it. They screech in pain and agony under the assault. Lighting begins to issue from their bodies, and their skin begins to turn as green as Jojo's, along with their eyes taking on the same pink hue as Mojo's as well, while their brains grow out from their heads in a similar fashion to Jojo, who laughs evilly, as rapidly flashing red and green lights flash around him. The shot zooms out, revealing the monkeys now suspended quite prostate, their brains sticking far out from their heads. The shot continues back, showing the observatory, the city of Townsville, and finally back through the far-right window of the girls' bedroom, where they are sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the events transpiring miles away in the city proper. Fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At this point, the girls and the Professor reach downtown and are astonished and shocked by what they see. A quick zoom out reveals that there are now hundreds of monkeys ravaging the townsfolk. The camera focuses on Jojo standing confidently in front of town hall, the Mayor's head under one of his boots. He then points towards the girls as he speaks]'' :'''Jojo''': Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup, I couldn't have done it without'cha! :''[The girls are in shock]'' :'''Man #1''': It's their fault! :'''Man #2''': I knew they were no good! :''[Jojo laughs maniacally]'' :'''Blossom''': Jojo, what happened?! :'''Bubbles''': This isn't making the town a better place! :'''Jojo''': ''[last words]'' Yes, it is. For ''me!'' The hobo "fomo"-ly known as Jojo is "nomo"! From this day "fowo"-d, I shall be known as... '''''MOJO JOJO!!!!!!!!''''' :''[Jojo, now known as Mojo Jojo, swoops his cape back in dramatic effect, the Mayor still crushed under his right boot. The girls gasp in astonishment]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[first words]'' For too long, apes and monkeys have been under the thumb of man. Well, the time has come to ''oppose'' that thumb, and take hold of what is rightfully ours: '''''THE WORLD!!!!!!!!''''' :''[The girls face the Professor, who is now at the top of the steps]'' :'''Girls''': Professor! ''[as he collapses to his knees]'' We didn't want this! :'''Woman''': Liars! :'''Man #3''': Fibbers! :'''Man #4''': You've doomed us all! ''[as close-up of the Professor, his mind reeling]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[from o.c.]'' Please, Professor. ''[as he raises his head; cut to them]'' Please believe us. :''[Tilt down from them to point toward the street—his perspective—and then cut back to him. He tries to sort out the situation for some moments before speaking again]'' :'''Professor''': I don't know who to believe. :''[The girls gasp]'' :'''Professor''': I thought you were good. :''[Long shot of the skyline; the girls rocket straight up from it into space, the camera following]'' :'''Girls''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[after the girls zoom into space, the screen is completely black. Tilt down quickly to Mojo Jojo, now holding the Mayor in the air and waving him around]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Yeah! Whoo! Alright! ''[spiking Mayor like a football]'' I rock! I rock so hard. For I, Mojo Jojo, have succeeded in my first, greatest, and most brilliant plan ever. And I, Mojo Jojo, shall be '''''KING OF THE PLANET OF THE APES!''''' :''[Pause, at this point there is silence. None of Mojo Jojo's army is attacking the crowd anymore as all their attention has shifted to Mojo Jojo and his declaration of being king. Their expressions make it clear that none of them are willing to accept this declaration from Mojo Jojo of him being their leader and king when they've done all the work. A [[w:Bornean orangutan|Bornean Orangutan]] speaks out from the nearby crowd, his bulging brain, spiteful glance, and tone of voice similar in form to Mojo Jojo's.]'' :'''Ojo Tango''': ''You'' shall be King?! Preposterous! :'''Mojo Jojo''': What?! How dare you? :'''Ojo Tango''': ''[while putting on Mojo Jojo's identical clothes]'' For it is ''I'', who's the one most suited to be ruler. :'''Mojo Jojo''': Those are ''my'' clothes! :'''Ojo Tango''': I, Ojo Tango, shall be simian supreme. :'''Mojo Jojo''': No Ojo. ''Mojo!'' :''[Back to the upstart; as he continues; he climbs down into the machine, a hatch closing behind him. This is a large, tank-treaded vehicle with two side-mounted cannons, which are pointed straight down so that it can balance on them. It throws its weight ahead, lands on its treads, and points the cannons forward.]'' :'''Ojo Tango''': As I unleash the offensive omnipotence of the oppressive orango-tank! :''[At this point, a [[w:Western lowland gorilla|lowland gorilla]] speaks up. His voice is very low and burly.]'' :'''Rocko Socko''': ''[burly deep voice]'' Hold on! :'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, no. :'''Rocko Socko''': ''[while putting on metal fists and another variant of Mojo's clothes]'' It is ''I'' who shall get a ''grip'' on this situation. :'''Mojo''': You'd better not. :'''Rocko Socko''': As I, Rocko Socko, seize control and rule. ''[smashes a hole in a building]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Wait! :''[All of the primates wear variants of Mojo's clothes]'' :''[A lanky [[w:Olive baboon|olive baboon]] speaks next.]'' :'''Baboon Kaboom''': ''[getting into a baboon robot]'' I, Baboon Kaboom, with my Baboon-bot, will be the bomb! :''[He leaps into the aforementioned contraption as he says this; it is a large robot in the shape of a baboon, with a red-and-white striped pipe sticking out from the rear end, and it stands on a rooftop.]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Uh-oh. :''[Back to the robot, zooming in on the tailpipe.]'' :'''Baboon Kaboom''': And if you don't like it, you can sniff my Baboon-bot bombs! ''[as the Baboon-bot poops out 3 bombs, it throws them and they explode]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, that's classy. :''[A large [[w:Barrel|barrel]] of [[w:Lar gibbon|White handed gibbons]], in the same form as the famous Barrel of Monkeys toy, rolls down the street. A group of them speaks at once.]'' :'''Go Go Po-Trol''': ''[all at once]'' Gangway, gangway! For we, the Go Go Po-Trol, as brothers-in-arms, are linked to form a chain of command that will reach out and take over the world. :''[A Japanese [[w:Macaque|Macaque]] is standing in a vat of boiling water atop a dam.]'' :'''Hotta Wata''': I, Hotta Wata, am boiling mad for you're all wet behind your ears. ''[the dam breaks]'' Therefore, I shall unleash a scalding torrent to drown you all about. For I don't give a– :'''Mojo Jojo''': Watch your mouth! :''[Next is a [[w:Western chimpanzee|West African chimpanzee]] with a pair of cymbals, moving sporadically like a toy as he clashes his cymbals.]'' :'''Cha-Ching Cha-Ching''': I, Cha-Ching Cha-Ching, symbolize chaotic calamity. ''[bangs cymbals together]'' :''[Next is a large group of [[w:Spider monkey|Spider monkeys]] with flying rocket packs. They speak in unison.]'' :'''Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos''': ''[all at once]'' We, the Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos, shall rain on your parade because… ''[they spit]'' we're the spit. :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[disgusted]'' Eww. :''[A [[w:Proboscis monkey|proboscis monkey]] speaks next, imitating [[Jimmy Durante|Jimmy Durante]], with a dance number playing in the background as he half-sings the words. A large array of banana peels lie before him.]'' :'''Hacha Chacha''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ My name is Hacha Chacha! ♪<br>♪ And here's my schpiel! ♪<br>♪ A diabolical plan with lots of appeal ♪<br> ♪ Spreading bananas far and wide! ♪<br>♪ And fixing up the folks for a slippery slide! ♪'' :''[A man and woman slip on banana peels]'' :'''Mayor''': That's pretty catchy. :''[A nervous young [[w:Bonobo|bonobo]] speaks next, clearly putting together his plan at the last minute.]'' :'''Blah-Blah Blah-Blah''': I, Blah-Blah Blah-Blah, ''[Quick pan to a hot plate; he pours tomato sauce into a pot on it, with empty jars all around.]'' shall create a sauce of chaos, ''[Another pan, he wheels the hot plate through the street and stirs the pot, and a funnel cloud emerges.]'' and stir up trouble ''[Quick pan ahead to a few buildings; the tomato typhoon starts to rip them apart.]'' with a destructive force known as the Tormato! :'''Mojo Jojo''': Tor''maato?'' :'''Mayor''': Tor''mayto.'' ''[Mojo Jojo kicks him away]'' '''Woo-hoo!''' :''[Quick pan to a [[w:Mandrill|mandrill]] driving a two-wheeled vehicle with a large drill bit mounted in front.]'' :'''Killa Drilla''': I, Killa Drilla. :''[A [[w:Cross River gorilla|Cross River Gorilla]] runs down the street, delivering headbutts.]'' :'''Bonzo Bango''': I, Bonzo Bango. :''[A very fat [[w:Tapanuli orangutan|tapanuli orangutan]] rolls over people.]'' :'''Rolo Ovo''': I, Rolo Ovo. :''[A small [[w:Pygmy marmoset|pygmy marmoset]] bites someone’s thumb.]'' :'''Cruncha Muncha''': I, Cruncha Muncha! :''[a young [[w:Nigeria-Cameroon chimpanzee|nigeria-cameroon chimpanzee]] slaps a young man’s face.]'' :'''Wacko Smacko''': I, Wacko Smacko! :''[An old [[w:Eastern chimpanzee|eastern chimpanzee]] in a tattered outfit slaps a senior citizen.]'' :'''Pappy Wappy''': I, Pappy Wappy. :''[Now we see a quick series of shots of various other monkeys, each of whom cries out, “I!”—more pretenders to the throne. The tempo steadily accelerates through this sequence, during which the ambient light goes from green to yellow and finally red. Finally the camera cuts to a long shot of Mojo Jojo and zooms in quickly. He has had entirely too much of this.]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[losing control of his rage and yelling at his army of apes and monkeys]'' '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!''''' Stop! Cease! Desist! Don't continue with the ramblings. For ''my'' ramblings to be obeyed! For I am the king, supreme leader and all-around dictator, don't you ''see?!'' All you monkeys are my plan! So your plans are ''my'' plans because you made plans and ''my'' plans was to make you! I plan to rule the planet, not to have my plans plan to stop me! '''''I AM YOUR CREATOR, I AM YOUR KING, I AM MOJO JOJO!''''' ''[pushes the Professor aside]'' '''''OBEY MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!''''' <hr width=50%/> :''[The shot cuts to a view of outer space. Despite the lack of air to convey sound, the sound of distant crying is heard. The shot zooms into the asteroid belt and focuses on a single rock. Bubbles is sitting on the surface, her head is thrown back in utter dejection and despair and is having a torrent of cries issuing from her mouth. The scene pulls back to show a saddened Blossom sitting on a rocky outcropping, and Buttercup fuming by herself in the distance. Their voices echo in the emptiness of space]'' :'''Buttercup''': That jerk! That big, fat, dumb jerk. He duped us. He planned it all along and we fell for it. :'''Bubbles''': ''[voice breaking]'' And now, everybody hates us even more. :''[She continues crying, then stops when she looks at Buttercup]'' :'''Bubbles''': What are you doing? :''[Buttercup has started digging a crude wall in the asteroid]'' :'''Buttercup''': What ''does'' it ''look'' like I'm doing? I'm building a house. Because now, we have to live here. :'''Bubbles''': Live here? :'''Buttercup''': Yeah, don't you see? This can be the bedroom, and this is ''my'' bed. ''[she slumps down on a crude jutting of rock, and points.]'' That can be your bed over there. :'''Bubbles''': I don't wanna sleep on a rock! ''[cries a bit more as the camera pulls back to put Blossom in the fore]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[accusingly]'' Maybe if someone hadn't pushed Bubbles into the school... :'''Buttercup''': [sarcastically] Oh, look, she speaks! ''[taking Blossom’s tone, walking to her]'' Well maybe if someone hadn't insisted on walking home from school so we could run into the '''''BIGGEST LIAR IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Blossom''': We weren't allowed to use our powers, and you ''know'' it! :''[Bubbles watches the argument from a distance; zoon in on her, putting them out of view, on the next line]'' :'''Buttercup''': Oh, look, it's Ms. Goody-goody! ''[pull back to frame all three and pan to Buttercup on the next line]'' :'''Blossom''': What was ''I'' supposed to do?! We weren't going to get people to stop hating us by breaking rules! :'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah?! And using our superpowers to make a "Help the Town and Make It a Better Place Machine"... ''[pull back into space; we cannot see her from here]'' '''''WAS FOLLOWING RULES????!!!!''''' ''[as she crosses her eyes and takes on a particularly nasty tone when she says the name of the “Machine.” Back to the asteroid’s surface]'' :'''Blossom''': I didn't see ''you'' putting up a fight! :'''Buttercup''': Well, you're gonna now! ''[hurls herself at Blossom; the two tumble back and forth across the screen. Bubbles stands back and watches the scuffle, her back to the camera]'' :'''Blossom''': ''[as they roll around]'' Well, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this stupid mess! You stupid! :''[Bubbles drops to her knees; long shot of her as she starts wailing all over again. Buttercup slams down in the foreground so that all we see is an extreme close-up of her head and arms. She is on her stomach and struggles to rise, but is unable to do so after some moments. She stops briefly, then screams and pounds her fists against the ground; pull back to show Blossom sitting on her. By this point, Bubbles’ crying is no longer heard]'' :'''Blossom''': I'm not fighting with you, Buttercup! :'''Buttercup''': Oh, yeah?! 'Cause you know I'll kick your butt! :'''Blossom''': ''[standing up]'' No! Because I know...oh, never mind! ''[pull back to frame both; they stand well apart]'' I'm not fighting with you! And I'm not talking to you, '''''EVER!!!!!''''' :'''Buttercup''': Well, prepare yourself for a ''looooooong'' silence, girl, ‘cause we're going to spend the rest of our lives here, thanks to ''you!'' :''[On the end of this line, cut to Blossom; she steps away a bit and sits down, her back to Buttercup’s shadow. Back to the latter]'' :'''Buttercup''': At least I got me a bed. <hr width=50%> :''[A long shot now shows a massive amount of destruction being done to Townsville. All three girls hear their screams now, and the pain is unbearable. They strike the famous "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil" pose. Mojo Jojo advances on the Professor, who lies hunched in a ball on the steps of City Hall. He gasps as Mojo Jojo grabs him by the throat. What he utters is able to snap the girls out of their blue funk]'' :'''Professor''': Girls! :'''Girls''': Professor! :''[The girls rush back to Townsville amidst the destruction]'' :'''Girls''': Professor! Professor! PROFESSOR! :''[With another explosion, missiles strike at the base of a stirring statue of the mayor riding triumphantly on a horse. The statues fall, aiming to strike a hapless lady below. Bubbles sees this and makes a sideways U-turn, diving to save the woman]'' :'''Blossom''': Bubbles, wait! :''[Bubbles swoops downward, picking up the woman and narrowly saving her. Her sisters rejoin her, with a lady in hand]'' :'''Blossom''': Good job, Bubbles, but we really got to save... :'''Lady''': The baby! :''[The baby is sitting in a carriage, holding a bomb recently spewed from the rear of Baboon Kaboom's Baboon-Bot bomb machine. Several more drop out in the next few moments]'' :'''Blossom''': Holy...! :''[Blossom narrowly swears as she saves the baby just as the bombs explode around her]'' :'''Buttercup''': Hey, what about…? :'''Lady''': THE DOG!!! :''[The torrent of water is seen rushing down the streets. Hotta Wata pushes a [[w:Dog|dog]] underwater by the head]'' :'''Buttercup''': Whoa! :''[She rushes underwater and rescues the dog. Elsewhere, Bubbles is talking to the lady, now placed safely on a rooftop]'' :'''Bubbles''': You'll be safe here. <hr width=50%> :''[Now dripping wet, Buttercup sets the dog down]'' :'''Buttercup''': Good dog. Can we find the professor now, please? :''[She looks back at the dog. The barrel of monkeys threatens to squish him flat]'' :'''Buttercup''': Aww, man! :''[Bubbles nabs the car out of Rocko's grasp, much to his surprise. Blossom saves a man in a phone booth from being crushed by Ojo's Orangu-tank's track. Buttercup zips to save the dog. Bubbles and Blossom avoid torrents of flying things and people as they carry the car and phone booth, respectively. The tomato tornado is sucking people into its core. Buttercup has set the dog outside the CTN building (another reference to Cartoon Network)]'' :'''Buttercup''': Now, stay! :''[Cha-Ching Cha-Ching stands across the way, and with a reverberating crash, the shockwaves shatter CTN's windows. Buttercup looks back again as the falling glass heads for the canine]'' :'''Buttercup''''': Doggone it! :''[She swoops to save the dog yet again. Blossom and Bubbles now have a large group of people on their backs. Buttercup blows a raspberry behind her as she falls into the clutches of the Go Go Po-Trol, losing her grip and sending the dog into freefall. She yells and dives down to save the dog a fourth time, but he falls into the iron clutches of Rocko Socko. This is too much for Buttercup. She gives her gripping banshee yell, and flies headfirst towards the monster]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Blossom''': OK, you should be safe here. Ohh, this is hopeless! :'''Bubbles''': I know! There are too many monkeys. What can we do? :''[The duo hear Buttercup's yell and glance at her direction. She's struggling to pry Rocko's iron hands open in order to free the dog. The angle changes with every word]'' :'''Buttercup''': [[w:Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Get your hands off him, you darn, dirty ape!]] :''[Yelling and her hand in a fist, Buttercup punches Rocko in the face, causing him to fly back and hit a wall. Bubbles and Blossom arrive and gasp. Buttercup covers her mouth in embarrassment]'' :'''Buttercup''': ''[stuttering]'' I didn't mean it! It was an accident! He wouldn't let go, and then the dog! That stupid dog! And then the monkeys! Oh, man! :''[The dog breaks free of the metal hands. He takes a whiz on them and walks off. Blossom, thinking this over, suddenly gets an idea in her head]'' :'''Blossom''': Buttercup! :'''Buttercup''': I, I, I... :'''Blossom''': You're a GENIUS! :''[Buttercup's eyes widen in surprise]'' :'''Buttercup''': I am? :'''Bubbles''': She is? :'''Blossom''': Yeah! The one way to stop the monkeys, save the town, and find the Professor is to use our powers to... :''[They focus in on the townspeople screaming. The Orango-tank is about to crush a large group of people.]'' :'''Blossom''': Better yet. Watch! :''[Blossom zooms in on the mechanical beast, striking an exploding blow to its head, knocking it over. She assumes a forward victory pose in front of the flame of the exploding machine. Ojo presumably perishes with his Orango-tank, much to Bubbles and Buttercup's amazement]'' :'''Buttercup''': Wow! :'''Bubbles''': That was amaz--! Hey! :''[A torrent of spit begins to rain on the girls. Above them, the Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos are creating quite a downpour]'' :'''Bubbles''': Eww, gross! Cut it out! :''[She lashes out with her laser eyes, striking one monkey, sending it off spiraling like a deflating balloon, striking another monkey in a large explosion. The girls strike battle-ready poses as the spitting monkeys fall all around them. The explosion has wiped out the entire group, leaving all of them battered, bruised, and beaten]'' :'''Blossom''': Come on, girls, let's put an end to this gorilla warfare! :''[They fly off. Cha-Ching Cha-Ching bangs his cymbals together. The girls each get a good hit on him]'' :'''Blossom''': Haha! Good one, Bubbles! :''[Cha-Ching Cha-Ching falls down in front of Mojo, who is clutching the Professor by the neck. Mojo Jojo is shocked to find him battered and beaten, but quickly regains his fury once he realizes who's responsible]'' :'''Professor''': Girls! :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[covers his mouth]'' Shut up! I was afraid of this. They've returned and found out what our powers can really do! Come! You will make a good Powerproof vest! :''[Mojo walks away with the Professor. Elsewhere, as the wave of water hits another streetway, the girls quickly pound a hold in front of its path, sucking all the water, Hotta Wata included, with a look of shock on his face, down to Townsville's sewer ways like a giant toilet. The butt bomb baboon machine juts forward, but Bubbles and Blossom pin it down by the hands. As Baboon Kaboom aims the butt cannon at the girls, Buttercup clenches the barrel shut, causing an overload. On his operating screen, the machine reads "B.M. Blowout", and Baboon silently screams in horror before the machine explodes. Confronting the Go-Go Patrol , Buttercup grabs the end monkey by the hand, and like a giant rubber band, Blossom stretches the other end and lets go, sending the chain spiraling into a metal pole on the sidewalk. Bubbles uses the remaining monkeys as a rather large jump rope. Hacha Chacha is pounded into the nearby fruit stand by Bubbles, while Blossom sends him spinning down his own slippery path of destruction. Blah-Blah Blah-Blah looks to his right to find Blossom, who snatches away his mixing rods, collapsing his tornado, as Blossom sends him flying into a ketchup-covered wall. Buttercup kicks Rolo Ovo like a soccer ball, sending him careening into the air off into the'' :''distance. Blossom grabs the drill machine by the bit, sending Killa Drilla's hald of the machine spinning uncontrollably. Cruncha Muncha is sent into the waiting arms of Bubbles, who lovingly shakes him until he passes out. The punches and kicks reach a fervent pace, until one final shot of the three girls laying a massive uppercut erupts into pain stars, sending the entire group of monkeys raining down to the ground]'' :'''Buttercup''': None of those stupid monkeys had the Professor! :'''Bubbles''': Where could he be? :'''Blossom''': Take a good guess. :''[She points to the volcano top observatory, where Mojo Jojo is dragging the Professor deep into his lab. 6 sets of imposing doors close in rapid succession behind him to seal off his hideout]'' :'''Blossom''': Come on, girls, we've got one last monkey to get off our backs! :''[They zoom forwards, easily crashing through Mojo Jojo's defenses and standing at the ready in front of their nemesis, who has the Professor in a headlock]'' :'''Girls''': Not so fast, Mojo Jojo! :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[mockingly]'' Oohh, look at the little heroes, here to save their daddy. :'''Professor''': ''[straining]'' No, girls, save yourselves! :'''Bubbles''': Sorry, Professor! :'''Buttercup''': We can take this chump-chimp down easily! :'''Blossom''': There's nothing he can do to stop us! :''[Mojo Jojo twists the Professor's neck further, causing a nasty grinding noise, and making the Professor yelp out in pain. The girls gasp and stop. Hatred is written all over their eyes. Mojo Jojo had proven Blossom's taunt wrong as he has every intention to snap the Professor's neck and kill him if the Girls try to attack him while the Professor is still his hostage]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': That's better. It's good you little freaks know when you're beaten. Now if you'll excuse me, I, Mojo Jojo, have a town to take over. I have a world to rule! I have to seize control of an area, and force its inhabitants to follow my way of thinking! :''[He presses a button on his control panel, and the glass globes begin to spin again. Another vat of Chemical X spews from the machine and drains into the spheres as before. He punches a set of keys]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Even if it means... :''[Pause for effect. He plunges the needle into his own brains]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': '''''TAKING EXTREME MEASURES!''''' :''[The girls gasp]'' :'''Girls''': You wouldn't! :'''Mojo Jojo''': I ''would!'' :''[He jams a lever, and all the containers of Chemical X pour directly into his brain. He lets out a primal cry, as his features bulge out in exaggerated proportions and he grows exponentially, sending him crashing through the roof of the observatory. He loses his grip on the screaming Professor, sending him falling downwards amidst the debris]'' :'''Bubbles''': Professor! :''[As Blossom catches him, the debris collapses on top of them and the Professor. Mojo Jojo is now a giant]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': '''''''NOW I'M MORE MOJO THAN BEFORE!''''''' :''[He leaps to the ground amidst the flames of the city, fully half as tall as the tallest skyscrapers, and walks down its shattered streets and burning buildings. He stops in front of Town Hall, addressing the peons on the grounds below with a slow and commanding voice]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': [[Ken Livingstone|Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,]] I, Mojo Jojo, have succeeded in my first, greatest, and most brilliant plan ever! And I, Mojo Jojo, '''''SHALL BE KING!''''' :''[He lifts his arms high in triumph]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The girls fly back to Town Hall, and give Mojo Jojo a good smack in the jaw just as he was about to eat an innocent civilian or two, catching him by complete surprise]'' :'''Blossom''': Surrender now, and we'll go easy on you! :''[Mojo Jojo takes this in, rubbing his jaw, looking for the source of the interruption]'' :'''Blossom''': Down here! :'''Mojo Jojo''': Oh, my! You're actually trying to stop me? That's so cute! :'''Bubbles''': Try nothing! :'''Blossom''': We ''will'' stop you! :'''Buttercup''': Who are you calling "cute"?!?!? :''[Mojo Jojo laughs mockingly]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': OK, let's play! :''[He lands a punch to the spot where the girls were, but they zoom away and land a few hits to his face. He tries to catch them, but they are too small and fast for his large bulky frame. Buttercup even runs between his ears, making a large bell sound, then smacks him into the butt, sending him into the air. As she laughs, Mojo Jojo simply alights himself and smashes her into the ground with his foot. The other two girls stop]'' :'''Blossom''': Buttercup! :''[Mojo Jojo takes advantage of their hesitation to smack them into a rooftop. Buttercup emerges from Mojo Jojo's foot, angry as can be. She punches in and breaks all of the toes on his left foot. In the meantime, the other two girls emerge, and in a spiral formation, smack into Mojo Jojo's midsection, sending him hurtling back doubled over. As he strikes a tall building, it collapses on him, his arms and legs sticking out]'' :'''Blossom''': Good job, girls! :'''Buttercup''': ''[Japanese accent]'' Hah, that more Mojo is ''no'' more! :''[They laugh. Mojo Jojo alights himself, and leaping forward he grabs hold of Buttercup and Blossom in opposing hands]'' :'''Bubbles''': GIRLS!! :''[The two girls scream out in pain as Mojo squeezes, glancing between the two. Bubbles rushes forward, and (in Star Wars A-wing style and sound) shoots rapid-fire laser beams at Mojo Jojo, causing him to cry out in pain and releasing her two sisters. The girls resume their cat-and-mouse game amidst Mojo Jojo, and once again unable to catch them, Mojo Jojo lets out a primal yell and claps his hands together loudly. The resulting shockwave blasts the girls spiraling backward. They do a few backflips on a city street and reorient themselves]'' :'''Buttercup''': Somebody's mad. :''[Mojo Jojo springs forward, unleashing a barrage of black pointed thorns at the girls]'' :'''Blossom''': Look out! :''[They narrowly avoid a set of spikes. Mojo Jojo targets Blossom as she runs as fast as she can from the onslaught, just staying in front of the line of fire. But the same dog is in her way now, and she feels obligated to protect it. Failing her arms in rapid fire, she deflects all of the thorns from herself and her hapless canine companion, yelling out in fury. Bubbles and Buttercup are hiding nearby under the refuge of an empty bus]'' :'''Bubbles''': Oh, no, look! Mojo's got Blossom pinned down! :'''Buttercup''': I have an idea, come on! :''[Buttercup and Bubbles lay the bus vertically in front of Blossom. Blossom stops yelling. The bus absorbs all of the thorny blows. After a few moments, the assault stops. The dog simply walks off. Buttercup dodges the last few spikes, ending up on the ground with her sisters. There is silence for a moment: Buttercup and Blossom cautiously look up, while Bubbles opens her eyes after keeping them shut in order to protect herself from the spikes]'' :'''Bubbles''': Do you think he's finished? :''[Mojo Jojo has risen up behind the bus]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': No, but ''you'' are! :''[He breathes fire on them. A following shot shows the girls, hands together, screaming in pain as the fiery flames scorch them badly. As the attack stops, the girls are still alive, but unconscious. Mojo grabs the scorched and weakened girls in his hand]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': Fools! You dare to challenge ME?! Attempt to defeat ME?! Try to destroy ME?! ''[climbs a building while gripping the girls in a [[w:King Kong|King Kong]] like manner]'' I who saved you from certain death?! After all I've done for you, YOU BETRAY ME?! AND WHY?! ''[rips open the building's side, revealing a group of scared citizens]'' For ''them?'' The ones who hated you? Have forsaken you? ''[as he keeps climbing and reaches the spire at the top. The girls’ eyes are shut tight.]'' Can't you see? None of them will ever understand you as I can, for we are kindred spirits whose powers spring from the same source. So girls, do not make me destroy you! For we are smarter! We are stronger! We are invincible! ''We'' have the power! ''WE'' '''ARE SUPERIOR TO''' ''THEM!'' '''''AND WE SHALL RULE!''''' All we have to do is work together. Girls... ''join me.'' :''[Long pause as the girls shake furiously in Mojo Jojo's fist before breaking themselves free]'' :'''Girls''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' :''[They proceed to beat him up]'' :'''Blossom''': We'd never join you! And it’s ''because'' we are stronger! :'''Bubbles''': ''Because'' we are invincible! :'''Buttercup''': ''Because'' we have the power! :'''Girls''': ''WE'' '''HAVE TO PROTECT''' ''THEM'' '''FROM''' ''YOU!'' :'''Blossom''': It’s ''YOU'' who is to be feared! :'''Bubbles''': Cause you ''ARE'' a monster! :'''Buttercup''': You ''ARE'' evil! :'''Girls''': '''''AND YOU!...ARE!...''''' ''[tap him on the side]'' ...it! :''[This small tap knocks Mojo Jojo off balance, and flailing with one arm, the tower he is grasping with the other breaks apart, sending the super-sized simian falling towards the ground, similar to the ending of [[w:King Kong (1933 film)|King Kong]]]'' :'''Mojo Jojo''': ''[last words; screaming]'' '''''CURRRRRSEEEESSSSSSS...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Professor''': ''[rapid-fire talking]'' Girls! Girls, where are you?! You were right! We should try and stop Mojo, and I know how! I whipped up an antidote to Chemical X! It will do away with his powers! Girls! Girls! Gir-- :''[The Professor looks upward at Mojo Jojo plummeting toward him]'' :'''Girls''': ''[alarmed]'' '''''PROFESSOR!''''' :''[The girls save the professor as Mojo Jojo falls on the Antidote X, shrinking him back to normal as he moans in pain]'' :'''Professor''': ''[hugging the girls]'' Oh, girls! I’m so sorry for doubting you. You are good! Good, perfect little girls, and I love you! :'''Girls''': We love you, too! :'''Blossom''': And we’re really sorry. :'''Buttercup''': We messed up really bad. :'''Bubbles''': But we’re ready, Professor. :'''Professor''': "Ready"? :'''Blossom''': To take the Antidote X to get rid of our powers. :'''Bubbles''': If it wasn’t for them, none of this would have happened. :'''Buttercup''': Besides, maybe everyone would like us more if we were just normal little girls. :'''Townspeople''': '''''NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Girls''': Huh? :'''Mayor''': Umm, well… uhh… don’t do that, ‘cause… that was pretty cool, with the… uhh… :'''Ms. Bellum''': Girls, I think what the Mayor is trying to say is, we’re sorry and thank you. :'''Ms. Keane''': Yes, that was super! Just super! :'''Man 1''': Amazing! :'''Baby lady''': Fantastic! :'''Man 2''': Wonderful! :'''Jamaican Lady''': Stupendous! :'''Jay and Bob look-alikes''': You rock! :'''Talking Dog''': Thank you. :'''Mayor''': Oh, yeah! That was awesome! You were all flying, and running, and then... ''[imitating laser blasts]'' laser eyes! Then, grr! Bam! And then... ''[laser blasts]'' and then BAM! You punched that guy! Ehh, remember? Yeah, that was great. Ya know, this town stinks. And I was wondering if maybe sometime we could like call you.. to save the day or whatever. :'''Girls''': ''[gasping]'' Can we, Professor?! :'''Professor''': Well, I don’t know. Hmm... okay! But only if it’s before your bedtime. :''[The girls fly into the air cheering as the townsfolk applaud]'' :'''Girls''': '''''YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!''''' :''[The crowd cheers and whistles]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Fade in to the sun in a clear blue sky—a day some time after these events—and tilt down to the exterior of Malph’s, which has been fixed up. An old woman pushes a shopping cart across the parking lot, but is stopped by Ace’s hand seizing its front. His four buddies are with him. Cut to the Mayor at his desk, with Ms. Bellum standing nearby; he is signing a document]'' :'''Old woman''': ''[from outside, distant]'' Help! :''[he looks to his assistant, who points out across the room. Pull back to show, at a distance in that direction, the familiar happy-face hotline on a stand. Cut to the Pokey Oaks Kindergarten classroom, which has been entirely repaired and is once again a happy place for the girls and their classmates. Pan quickly to the front of the room, where an identical phone sits on a stand and starts to buzz. The girls look toward it, ready for action, and everyone falls silent. Back to the parking lot of Malph’s. Billy is eating the old woman’s food, Ace and Snake are having a tug-of-war over her purse, and Arturo and Grubber are menacing her. Empty snack and pizza boxes lie near the overturned cart. The sound of something drifting in causes all five hoodlums to look up, scared; cut to their perspective—the girls are on the scene and smiling wickedly down at them. A tense silence ensues and is broken by three quick shots of the Gang getting what they have coming to them. Blossom punches out Ace, Bubbles split-kicks Snake and Grubber, and Buttercup hurls Arturo into Billy, sending both flying. Cut to a jail cell in which the unconscious Gang has been dumped in a heap; they share it with Fuzzy and Mojo Jojo, the latter now clad only in a pair of underwear. The door slides shut on the group. Note: The old “Kilroy was here” drawing can be seen on the wall next to Mojo Jojo. Overhead view of the jail, with two cops waving. Tilt up to follow the girls as they fly away, waving back. The narrator returns for the closing dialogue]'' :'''Narrator''': Sugar, spice, and everything nice! These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl. But Professor Utonium accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction: Chemical X! Thus, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were born! Using their ultra-super powers, they've dedicated their lives to fighting crime and the forces of evil! :''[The girls plow into the Professor and laugh; cuts to the end shot]'' :'''Narrator''': ''[last lines]'' And so, for the very first time, the day was saved! Thanks to... ''[the girls appear as he gives them their name]'' ...The Powerpuff Girls! Hey, that's a good name for them! Powerpuff Girls! Yeah! I like that! Wonder if they will? I'll run it by them. Powerpuff Girls! Mmm-hmm. == Cast == * [[w:Cathy Cavadini|Catherine Cavadini]] — Blossom * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] — Bubbles * [[w:E. G. Daily|E.G. Daily]] — Buttercup * [[w:Roger L. Jackson|Roger L. Jackson]] — Mojo Jojo * [[w:Tom Kane|Tom Kane]] — Professor Utonium * [[Tom Kenny]] — Narrator, Mayor, Mitch Mitchelson, Cha-Ching Cha-Ching, Cruncha Muncha, Snake, Li'l Arthuro, Pappy Wappy * [[w:Jennifer Hale|Jennifer Hale]] — Ms. Keane * [[w:Jennifer Martin|Jennifer Martin]] — Ms. Bellum * [[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeffrey Bennett]] — Ace, Big Billy, Grubber, Baboon Kaboom, Go Go Po-Trol, Hacha Chacha * [[Grey DeLisle]] — Linda, Woman at Zoo * [[Phil LaMarr]] — I.P. Host, Local Anchor * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — Killa Drilla, Hotta Watta, Doot Da Doot Da Doo Doos, Blah-Blah Blah-Blah, Wacko Smacko * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] — Rocko Socko, Ojo Tango * [[Frank Welker]] — Talking Dog, Whole Lotta Monkeys, Rolo Ovo, Bonzo Bango == External Links == {{wikipedia}} {{The Powerpuff Girls}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Powerpuff Girls Movie, The}} [[Category:2002 animated films]] [[Category:2002 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:The Powerpuff Girls]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about sisters]] [[Category:Cartoon Network films]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Films about size change]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Animated superheroine films]] [[Category:Animated films about apes]] 7emdehndril1rfp6ke73cvf9vpjb3tz 0 135335 3944171 3944161 2026-05-22T12:03:46Z Omnis Scientia 3151923 /* After the sinking */ "after the sinking" is misleading - its about the sinking. 3944171 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:RMS Titanic 3.jpg|thumb|There is no danger that Titanic will sink]] [[w:RMS Titanic|'''RMS Titanic''']] was a British passenger liner that sank in the North Atlantic Ocean on [[15 April]] [[1912]] after colliding with an iceberg during her maiden voyage from Southampton, England to New York City. The sinking of ''Titanic'' caused the deaths of 1,514 people (mostly third-class passengers who formed the majority of the people on board the ''Titanic'') in one of the deadliest peacetime maritime disasters in history. She was the largest ship afloat at the time of her maiden voyage. One of three Olympic-class ocean liners operated by the White Star Line, she was built between 1909 and 1911 by the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast. She carried 2,208 people; 1,496 died in the sinking, and 712 were saved. == Sourced == * There is no danger that ''Titanic'' will sink. The boat is unsinkable and nothing but inconvenience will be suffered by the passengers. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20120402-the-myth-of-the-unsinkable-ship Titanic anniversary: The myth of the unsinkable ship], ''BBC'' (2nd April 2012) * I cannot imagine any condition which would cause a [large] ship to founder. . . . Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that. ** The captain of The Titanic. Quoted in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine, published by Jehovah's Witnesses, April 15, 1988. * [[God]] himself could not sink this [[ship]]. **A crew member of that vessel said to a passenger. Quoted in ''The Watchtower'' magazine, published by Jehovah's Witnesses, April 15, 1988. * The Titanic sank about 2:20 a.m. April 15, 1912, according to the records. I saw it slide down into the ocean to its horrible finish. The moment it sank left a memory of something that haunts me till this day. It was the eerie sound of the people groaning and screaming frantically for help, as they were hurtled into the icy water. Almost all died from the cold water. The sounds lasted for about 45 minutes and then faded away. ** Louis Garrett, Titanic survivor. Quoted in ''Awake!'' magazine, October 22, 1981. * In safety, . . . it was believed, the last word had been uttered in the construction of the ‘Titanic.”’ ** New York Times, April 16, 1912. === During the sinking === * Great God, man! Open the gate and let David klien through! ** [[w:A NIght to Remember (book)|A Night to Remember]][http://books.google.ca/books?id=67R5gy-fZhEC&printsec=frontcover&dq=editions:EEMFekALSvoC&hl=en&sa=X&ei=oX62T_T8CqSeiALz3bXIBg&ved=0CEQQuwUwAw#v=onepage&q=Gilnagh&f=false]. This quote is sometimes given as: ** For God’s sake man, let the girls past to the boats, at least![http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-victim/jim-farrell.html] ** James "Jim" Farrell to a crew member who was blocking a passageway. Farrell's actions saved the lives of four Irish women by allowing them to reach the lifeboats.[http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-victim/jim-farrell.html]. * Titanic is sinking. We’re going north like hell...Every man to his post and let him do his full duty like a true Englishman. ** Chief Steward Hughes quoted in [https://chaplainusa.org/police-chaplain-project-update/were-going-north-like-hell "Captain Arthur H. Rostron: What Leadership in a Crisis Looks Like"], ''Chaplain USA'' * Not damn likely. ** [[w:Charles Lightoller|Second Officer Charles Lightoller]] after refusing a direct order from [[w:Henry Tingle Wilde|Chief Officer Wilde]] to enter a lifeboat.[http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-survivor/charles-herbert-lightoller.html]. * We have lived together for many years. Where you go, I go. ** Said by [[w:Ida Straus|Ida Straus]] to her husband [[w:Isidor Straus|Isidor]] after she refused to board a lifeboat.[http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-victim/ida-straus.html] * If you will get to hell out of that, I shall be able to do something. Do you want me to lower away quickly? You will have me drown the whole lot of them. ** [[w:Harold Lowe|Fifth Officer Harold Lowe]] to [[w:J. Bruce Ismay|J. Bruce Ismay]], owner of the White Star Line, who had been repeating the order "Lower away!" to the men lowering Lifeboat No. 5. Said at the United States inquiry. Lowe hesitated to repeat his exact words, saying the language was "not very parliamentary". Ismay, who was present, suggested that Lowe write down the offending word and pass it to the chair of the proceedings, [[w:William Alden Smith|Senator William Alden Smith]] (R-MI), who consented to its being spoken aloud. [https://www.titanicinquiry.org/USInq/AmInq05Lowe03.php] == About the sinking == * How did various people leave the ship? Nearly every woman survivor who was asked replied firmly, ‘in the last boat’. Obviously, all these women didn’t go in the same boat, yet to question the point is like questioning a lady’s age– one simply doesn’t do it. ** {{cite book |last=Lavery |first=Brian |last2=Fellowes |first2=Julian |last3=Lord |first3=Walter |title=A Night to Remember |year=2012|page=167}} == Misattributed == * I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous. ** Said to have been said by Colonel [[w:John Jacob Astor IV|John Jacob Astor]], but for various reasons this attribution is spurious.[http://www.snopes.com/history/titanic/astorice.asp] == External link == * [https://titanichistoricalsociety.org/ ''Titanic'' Historical Society] {{sister project links|d=Q25173|commons=Category:Titanic (ship,_1912)|n=Category:RMS Titanic|b=no|v=no|voy=RMS Titanic|m=no|mw=no|s=Portal:RMS Titanic|wikt=no|species=no|d=Q25173}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Titanic}} [[Category: Themes]] [[Category:RMS Titanic]] aru2f7kz21kv23mdxtr3e4d0k1pvzhg 3944221 3944171 2026-05-22T15:45:28Z GrimRob 1187925 more standard format 3944221 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:RMS Titanic 3.jpg|thumb|There is no danger that Titanic will sink]] [[w:RMS Titanic|'''RMS Titanic''']] was a British passenger liner that sank in the North Atlantic Ocean on [[15 April]] [[1912]] after colliding with an iceberg during her maiden voyage from Southampton, England to New York City. The sinking of ''Titanic'' caused the deaths of 1,514 people (mostly third-class passengers who formed the majority of the people on board the ''Titanic'') in one of the deadliest peacetime maritime disasters in history. She was the largest ship afloat at the time of her maiden voyage. One of three Olympic-class ocean liners operated by the White Star Line, she was built between 1909 and 1911 by the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast. She carried 2,208 people; 1,496 died in the sinking, and 712 were saved. == Quotes == * There is no danger that ''Titanic'' will sink. The boat is unsinkable and nothing but inconvenience will be suffered by the passengers. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20120402-the-myth-of-the-unsinkable-ship Titanic anniversary: The myth of the unsinkable ship], ''BBC'' (2nd April 2012) * I cannot imagine any condition which would cause a [large] ship to founder. . . . Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that. ** The captain of The Titanic. Quoted in ''[[w:The Watchtower|The Watchtower]]'' magazine, published by Jehovah's Witnesses, April 15, 1988. * [[God]] himself could not sink this [[ship]]. **A crew member of that vessel said to a passenger. Quoted in ''The Watchtower'' magazine, published by Jehovah's Witnesses, April 15, 1988. * The Titanic sank about 2:20 a.m. April 15, 1912, according to the records. I saw it slide down into the ocean to its horrible finish. The moment it sank left a memory of something that haunts me till this day. It was the eerie sound of the people groaning and screaming frantically for help, as they were hurtled into the icy water. Almost all died from the cold water. The sounds lasted for about 45 minutes and then faded away. ** Louis Garrett, Titanic survivor. Quoted in ''Awake!'' magazine, October 22, 1981. * In safety, . . . it was believed, the last word had been uttered in the construction of the ‘Titanic.”’ ** New York Times, April 16, 1912. === During the sinking === * Great God, man! Open the gate and let David klien through! ** [[w:A NIght to Remember (book)|A Night to Remember]][http://books.google.ca/books?id=67R5gy-fZhEC&printsec=frontcover&dq=editions:EEMFekALSvoC&hl=en&sa=X&ei=oX62T_T8CqSeiALz3bXIBg&ved=0CEQQuwUwAw#v=onepage&q=Gilnagh&f=false]. This quote is sometimes given as: ** For God’s sake man, let the girls past to the boats, at least![http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-victim/jim-farrell.html] ** James "Jim" Farrell to a crew member who was blocking a passageway. Farrell's actions saved the lives of four Irish women by allowing them to reach the lifeboats.[http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-victim/jim-farrell.html]. * Titanic is sinking. We’re going north like hell...Every man to his post and let him do his full duty like a true Englishman. ** Chief Steward Hughes quoted in [https://chaplainusa.org/police-chaplain-project-update/were-going-north-like-hell "Captain Arthur H. Rostron: What Leadership in a Crisis Looks Like"], ''Chaplain USA'' * Not damn likely. ** [[w:Charles Lightoller|Second Officer Charles Lightoller]] after refusing a direct order from [[w:Henry Tingle Wilde|Chief Officer Wilde]] to enter a lifeboat.[http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-survivor/charles-herbert-lightoller.html]. * We have lived together for many years. Where you go, I go. ** Said by [[w:Ida Straus|Ida Straus]] to her husband [[w:Isidor Straus|Isidor]] after she refused to board a lifeboat.[http://www.encyclopedia-titanica.org/titanic-victim/ida-straus.html] * If you will get to hell out of that, I shall be able to do something. Do you want me to lower away quickly? You will have me drown the whole lot of them. ** [[w:Harold Lowe|Fifth Officer Harold Lowe]] to [[w:J. Bruce Ismay|J. Bruce Ismay]], owner of the White Star Line, who had been repeating the order "Lower away!" to the men lowering Lifeboat No. 5. Said at the United States inquiry. Lowe hesitated to repeat his exact words, saying the language was "not very parliamentary". Ismay, who was present, suggested that Lowe write down the offending word and pass it to the chair of the proceedings, [[w:William Alden Smith|Senator William Alden Smith]] (R-MI), who consented to its being spoken aloud. [https://www.titanicinquiry.org/USInq/AmInq05Lowe03.php] === About the rescue === * How did various people leave the ship? Nearly every woman survivor who was asked replied firmly, ‘in the last boat’. Obviously, all these women didn’t go in the same boat, yet to question the point is like questioning a lady’s age– one simply doesn’t do it. ** {{cite book |last=Lavery |first=Brian |last2=Fellowes |first2=Julian |last3=Lord |first3=Walter |title=A Night to Remember |year=2012|page=167}} == Misattributed == * I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous. ** Said to have been said by Colonel [[w:John Jacob Astor IV|John Jacob Astor]], but for various reasons this attribution is spurious.[http://www.snopes.com/history/titanic/astorice.asp] == External links == * [https://titanichistoricalsociety.org/ ''Titanic'' Historical Society] {{sister project links|d=Q25173|commons=Category:Titanic (ship,_1912)|n=Category:RMS Titanic|b=no|v=no|voy=RMS Titanic|m=no|mw=no|s=Portal:RMS Titanic|wikt=no|species=no|d=Q25173}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Titanic}} [[Category: Themes]] [[Category:RMS Titanic]] azj6k6chd7cobqj5cidm3nvflbvkbmq 0 136241 3944284 3904310 2026-05-22T21:00:22Z Thewordguy1984 504288 I added. 3944284 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cape Fear (1991 film)|Cape Fear]]''''' is a [[w:1991 in film|1991 film]] about a convicted rapist, released from prison after serving a 14 year sentence, who stalks the family of the lawyer who originally defended him. It is a remake of the [[w:Cape Fear (1962 film)|1962 film of the same name]]. :''Directed by [[Martin Scorsese]]. Written by [[w:Wesley Strick|Wesley Strick]], based on the 1962 screenplay by [[w:James R. Webb (writer)|James R. Webb]], which was an adaptation from the novel [[w:The Executioners|The Executioners]] by [[John D. MacDonald]].'' {{center|'''There is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. Except fear.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Max Cady == * ''[watching passing teenaged girls]'' They're great at that age, ain't they? All those discoveries ahead of 'em. You're lucky, Counselor. My own daughter, she don't even know me. After I went inside, her mama told her I was dead - which, in a way, I was. * I learned to read during my stretch. First, ''Spot Goes to the Farm'', then ''Runaway Bunny'', then law books mostly. Did you know that after I discharged you, I acted as my own attorney? Applied several times for an appeal. Mm-hmm. So, here we are - two lawyers, for all practical purposes, talking shop. * It's not necessary to lay a foul tongue on me, my friend. I could get upset. Things could get out of hand. Then in self defense, I could do something to you that you would not like, right here. * What you gonna do, arrest me? You a cop? Or ''were'' you a cop? Or were you not good enough to remain on the force, cause you know what? That's the feelin' I'm gettin' here. * Guess I'm covered in too many tattoos, huh? But you see, there's not a hell of a lot to do in prison but desecrate your flesh. * ''[after fighting off Kersek's thugs while Bowden watches]'' Counselor? Counselor, is that you? Counselor, come out, come out, wherever you are! I ain't no "white trash piece of shit", I'm better than you all! I can outlearn you, I can outread you, I can outthink you, and I can out-philosophize you. And I'm gonna outlast you! You think a couple whacks to my good ol' boy guts is gonna get me down? It's gonna take a hell of a lot more than that, Counselor, to prove you're better than me! "I am like God, and God like me! I am as large as God! He is as small as I! He cannot above me, nor I beneath Him be!" [[Angelus Silesius|Silesius]], 17th century! Counselor? Counselor? Could you be there? Could you be there? ''[whistles]'' Counselor? I wonder if you're here. Ah, fuck it. You're here, you ain't here. What the fuck's the difference? * I am going to teach you the meaning of commitment. Fourteen years ago, I was forced to make a commitment to an eight-by-nine cell, now ''you'' are going to be forced to make a commitment. You could say I'm here to save you. * ''[Danielle throws scalding grease over him]'' Are you offering me something hot? ''[lights a flare and holds it aloft]'' Let's get something straight here. I spent fourteen years in an eight by nine cell surrounded by people who were less than human. My mission in that time was to become ''more'' than human. ''[lets boiling wax drip on his skin]'' You see? Granddaddy used to handle snakes in church, Granny drank strychnine. I guess you could say I had a leg up, genetically speaking. * Tonight, you're gonna learn to be an animal! To live like an animal and to die like one! * ''[singing]'' On Jordan's stormy branks I stand! Oh, who will come with me? I am bound for the promised land! I am bound for the promised l-... land! I am bound for the promised land! == Sam Bowden == * If you don't leave- if you don't leave my family alone and if you don't get out of here, you're gonna be hurt like you never dreamed. == Danielle Bowden == * My reminiscence: I always thought that for such a lovely river, the name was mystifying - Cape Fear - when the only thing to fear on those enchanted summer nights was that the magic would end, and real life would come crashing in. * We never spoke about what happened, at least not to each other. Fear, I suppose, that to remember his name and what he did would mean letting him into our dreams. And me, I hardly dream about him anymore. Still, things won't ever be the way they were before he came. But that's all right, because if you hang onto the past, you die a little every day. And for myself, I know I'd rather live. ''[whispers]'' The end. == Claude Kersek == * ''[to Sam, after meeting Max]'' You were right, there ''is'' a lot of "cutesy-cutesy" in that little prick, ain't there? * No, you're scared. But that's okay. I want you to savor that fear. The South evolved in fear: fear of the Indian, fear of the slave, fear of the damn Union. The South has a fine tradition of savoring fear. == Lieutenant Elgart == * ''[on Cady's tattoos]'' I don't know whether to look at him or read him. == Judge == * This court does not condone feuds, vendettas or vigilantism. Let me quote our great Negro educator, Mr. [[w:Brooker T. Washington|Booker T. Washington]]: "I will let no man drag me down so low... as to make me hate him." == Dialogue == :''[As Max Cady is released from prison, leaving a collection of books about law, religion and philosophy in his cell]'' :'''Prison Guard 1''': Anyone coming for you, Cady? :''[Cady shakes his head]'' :'''Prison Guard 2''': What about your books? :'''Max Cady''': Already read 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max Cady''': ''[smiling, after grabbing the keys from the car]'' Free as a bird, apparently. You go wherever you want with whomever. That much freedom could maybe get a fella into trouble, what do you think? :'''Sam Bowden''': I'd like my keys. :'''Max Cady''': Could it be you don't remember me? :'''Sam Bowden''': Oh yeah, sure, I remember you. You were at the movie house the other night. :'''Max Cady''': Oh, I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. :'''Sam Bowden''': I would like my keys. :'''Max Cady''': Max Cady. You look the same. Maybe 15 pounds heavier. But they say the average man gains a pound a year till he's about-- :''[Sam interrupts by knocking one of Cady's hands off the car, but fails to shake him]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Oh, come on... :'''Max Cady''': ''[continuing]'' Gains a pound a year till he's about 60. Me? I dropped a pound every year in my sentence. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[remembering]'' Atlanta, 1977. :'''Max Cady''': You got it. July. ''[looks at keys]'' Fourteen years since I held a set of keys. ''[finally gives them back]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[trying to diffuse the tension]'' You look good, healthy. :'''Max Cady''': Thank you, 'cause it's a struggle to stay healthy in the joint. But you wouldn't know 'bout that, would ya? If you were me, they'd stick you with the white trash. They don't strike a lick of work all day. In fact, ''[places his cigar in his mouth]'' this little ol' cigar is my only vice... 'cause I ''needed'' a vice in the joint, to remind me I was human. :'''Sam Bowden''': Well, what brings you to New Essex? :'''Max Cady''': Oh, the climate. Boy, the South. I'm thinkin' of settlin' right down here in New Essex, Counselor. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[apprehensively]'' Have you been following me? :'''Max Cady''': ''[shrugging]'' It's a small town. Everywhere you turn, we're gonna run into each other. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[starting the car]'' Take care, Mr. Cady. :'''Max Cady''': You too. :''[Sam starts to drive away]'' :'''Max Cady''': ''[coldly, dropping all pretense]'' You're gonna learn about loss. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[stopping the car]'' What? :''[Cady leaves without another word]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sam Bowden''': How much do you want, Mr. Cady? :'''Max Cady''': How much do I want what? :'''Sam Bowden''': How much money do you want? :'''Max Cady''': Money? Counselor, do I look destitute to you? :'''Sam Bowden''': Well, I'm open to discussion within reasonable limits. :'''Max Cady''': You ever been a woman? :'''Sam Bowden''': What? :'''Max Cady''': ''[pointedly]'' A woman. Some fat, hairy, ugly hillbilly's wet dream. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[after a short silence, uncomfortably]'' Look, I realize that you suffered in prison-- :'''Max Cady''': ''[dismissively]'' "Suffered". :'''Sam Bowden''': There's no question about that-- :'''Max Cady''': "Suffered". You don't know what suffering ''is'', Counselor. Like it says in Galatians 3, "Have ye suffered so many things in vain?" Yeah, I learned from the get-go in the joint to get in touch with the soft, nurturin' side of myself, the ''feminine'' side. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lieutenant Elgart''': Well, at the very least, we nail him for the dog. Now what happened? You let the dog out, Cady abducted him? :'''Sam Bowden''': No, no, uh... we didn't let the dog out. :'''Lieutenant Elgart''': Cady came into your house? Now that's illegal entry with intent-- :'''Sam Bowden''': Yeah, but he, uh, he didn't come into the house. Now look, I'm not a cop, I don't know exactly ''how'' he did it, I just know that he ''did'' it, somehow. :'''Lieutenant Elgart''': That's not good enough, Mr. Bowden. Now you're a lawyer, you damn well know that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claude Kersek''': You know, I've been in a real bad mood lately. Shame, ain't it? You know what you can do to brighten my mood? :'''Max Cady''': No. :'''Claude Kersek''': Get the hell out of here. I don't mean just this whole town, I mean the whole goddamned state. I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna hear you, and I don't wanna smell you. Now leave. :'''Max Cady''': Now, I like to-- Are you my friend? :'''Claude Kersek''': No, I'm not your friend. :'''Max Cady''': Oh, cause I thought maybe you were my friend, because I like to plan my comings and goings with friends. But if you're ''not'' my friend and you're planning my comings and goings, I'd call that presumptuous. In fact, I'd call it downright rude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danielle Bowden''': You're not the drama teacher, are you? :'''Max Cady''': ''[smiling]'' Maybe I'm the [[w:Big Bad Wolf|big bad wolf]]. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Um... so you're that guy that's been hanging around the house? You're the one that killed my mom's dog? :'''Max Cady''': ''[feigning surprise]'' Your mom's dog was killed? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah. :'''Max Cady''': I didn't even know anything about that. That's a shame. That's a damn shame. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yes, it was. :'''Max Cady''': What kind of dog was it? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Um... I don't know. He was just... he was, um, fluffy and... :'''Max Cady''': Fluffy? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Mm-hmm. So you didn't do that? :'''Max Cady''': Of course I didn't do that. :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[sighing]'' Okay... :'''Max Cady''': I wouldn't do that. :'''Danielle Bowden''': So why... what are you doing here then? :'''Max Cady''': Well, I came to meet you, to be honest with you. :'''Danielle Bowden''': W-Why? I mean-- :'''Max Cady''': 'Cause... I wanted to meet you, see what you were like. I see you're a nice person. That's all. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Just... you're not gonna hurt me, are you? :'''Max Cady''': No, I'm not gonna hurt you at all. There's no hurtin' here, Danielle. 'Tween us, there's no anger, nothin'. Just a search for truth. I mean, did you judge me, did you get angry at me when you caught me smokin' the grass? Hmm? :'''Danielle Bowden''': No. :'''Max Cady''': But your parents, they judged you. They got plenty angry at you, didn't they? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah. :'''Max Cady''': Mm-hmm. They punished you for ''their'' sins. What did they do? :'''Danielle Bowden''': They, uh... My dad... They just yelled a whole lot and, um... My mom cried... and, and my dad said I couldn't drive the Cherokee. :'''Max Cady''': I'd say they punished you for their sins, and you resent that, and you ''should'' resent it. But Professor 'Do-Right' has a little advice for you. You shouldn't damn 'em. Don't judge 'em. Just forgive 'em, for they know not what they do. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Well, um, why do you hate my father? :'''Max Cady''': I don't hate him at all. Oh, no, I pray for him. I'm here to help him. I mean, we all make mistakes, Danielle. You and I have. At least we try to admit it. Don't we? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah... :'''Max Cady''': Mm-hmm. But your daddy, he don't. Every man carries a circle of hell around his head like a halo. Your daddy, too. Every man, every man has to go through hell to reach his paradise. You know what paradise is? :'''Danielle Bowden''': No. :'''Max Cady''': Salvation. 'Cause your daddy's not happy. Your mommy's not happy. And you know what? ''You're'' not happy. Are you? :'''Danielle Bowden''': No, I'm not. :'''Max Cady''': You thought about me last night, didn't you? :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[chuckles slightly]'' Um... yes, I did. :'''Max Cady''': I know. You know, I think I might have found a companion. A companion for that long walk to the light. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[lying on her bed in a shirt and underwear]'' This isn't... gonna work, you know. :'''Sam Bowden''': What isn't going to work? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Locking us in, hiding us from the world. :'''Sam Bowden''': Oh, don't be so dramatic, Danny. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Making me stay outta school... :'''Sam Bowden''': Well, you're going back to school tomorrow. And put some clothes on, you're not a little kid anymore. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah, and why am I going back to school tomorrow? What are you gonna do? :'''Sam Bowden''': That's none of your concern, Danny. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Dad... he didn't force himself on me, you know. I know you'd like to think that he did. But I think he was... I think he was just trying to make a connection with me, y'know? :''[Alarmed, Sam marches into the room and joins her on the bed]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Now, Danny, I want you to listen to me, all right? ''[pointing in her face as she tries to look away]'' No. You understand? No. There will ''never'' be ''any'' connection between you and Max Cady. You understand that? :''[Danielle brushes her hair aside awkwardly]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Did he touch you? :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[laughing slightly]'' What? :'''Sam Bowden''': What are you laughing about? Why are you smiling? I'm asking you a question - did he touch you? :''[Danielle smiles, and Sam suddenly grabs her by the face in anger]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Danny, wipe that smile off your face! I'm asking you, did he ''touch'' you?! ''[shaking her]'' C'mon! ''[realizing that he has scared her]'' Oh, n-no, wait, Danny, I'm sorry. :'''Danielle Bowden''': No...! :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[trying to comfort her]'' No, I'm sorry. Wait, honey, I'm sorry-- :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[pushing him away]'' GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max Cady''': ''[holding Sam at gunpoint]'' The people call Samuel J. Bowden! Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?! :'''Sam Bowden''': Cady, somebody's got to man the boat. We're heading into unprotected water! :'''Max Cady''': Do you swear?! :'''Danielle Bowden''': I'll do it, Dad-- :'''Max Cady''': ''[pointing her the gun]'' You sit, Danielle! Don't you make light of your civic duty, darling! You're the jury! :'''Sam Bowden''': All right, all right, okay! I swear to tell the truth. What do you wanna know? :'''Max Cady''': Was a prior sexual history ever prepared in connection with my defence? ''Was a prior sexual history ever prepared in connection with my defence?!'' :'''Sam Bowden''': It's... ''[Cady hits him in the face and Danielle is screaming]'' :'''Max Cady''': ''[looking in the camera behind him]'' I'm sorry, Your Honor. I agree. That was argumentative. ''[addressing again to Sam]'' An investigator did prepare a prior sexual history on the alleged victim, true? ''[looking again behind him]'' I ''can'' ask leading questions, Your Honor, he ''is'' a hostile witness! ''[to Sam]'' And would you care to tell the court what the gist was of this report? :'''Sam Bowden''': Cady, it was fourteen years ago. I can't remember that-- ''[Cady hits him again]'' :'''Leigh Bowden''': ''[screams]'' How can he answer when you're hitting him like that?! :'''Max Cady''': ''[to the camera behind him]'' Because he's perjurin' himself, Your Honor! He knows damn well exactly what it said! ''[turns to Sam]'' Don't you?! :'''Sam Bowden''': It said that she was promiscuous. It said that she had three different lovers in one month-- :'''Max Cady''': At least three! At ''least'' three! And did you show this report to the D. A.?! :'''Sam Bowden''': No, no... :'''Max Cady''': No, huh?! I only discovered it ''after'' I petitioned to represent myself, six years into my sentence! But there it was in the court file! But back in '77, you ''buried'' it, Counselor! Would you care to tell the jury why?! ''Would you care to tell the court why?!'' :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[looking at Leigh and Danielle]'' Because I know he brutally raped her and he beat her-- :'''Max Cady''': TALK TO ME! I'M STANDIN' HERE! ''[hits Sam again]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Just because she was promiscuous didn't give you the right to rape her! You ''bragged'' to me that you beat two prior aggravated rapes! You were a menace! :'''Max Cady''': ''[screaming]'' YOU WERE MY ''LAWYER!'' YOU WERE MY ''LAWYER!'' That report could've saved me ''FOURTEEN YEARS!'' :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[begrudgingly]'' You're probably right. :'''Max Cady''': ''[disgusted]'' ''YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCK!'' I'm [[Virgil]], Counselor, and I'm [[w:Inferno (Dante)|guidin' you through the gates of Hell!]] We are now in the Ninth Circle, the Circle of Traitors! Traitors to country! Traitors to fellow man! Traitors to ''God!'' You, sir, are charged with betrayin' the principles of all three! Can you please quote to me the American Bar Association's Rules of Professional Conduct, Canon Seven?! :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[saddened]'' "A lawyer should represent his client..." :'''Max Cady:''' "Should ''ZEALOUSLY'' represent his client within the bounds of the law"! And I find you ''guilty'', Counselor! ''Guilty'' of betrayin' your fellow man! ''Guilty'' of betrayin' your country! ''Guilty'' of abrogatin' your oath! ''Guilty'' of judgin' me and sellin' me out! And with the power vested in me by the kingdom of God, ''I'' sentence ''you'' to the Ninth Circle of Hell! Now ''you'' will learn about loss! Loss of freedom! Loss of ''humanity!'' Now ''you'' and ''I'' will truly be the same, Counselor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During their final fight]'' :'''Max Cady''': Forget about that restraining order, Counselor?! You're well within 500 yards! ''[laughs]'' Well, here we are, Counselor! Just two lawyers workin' it out! :'''Sam Bowden''': I'M GONNA KILL YOU! :'''Max Cady''': You already sacrificed me, Counselor! == Taglines == * There is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. Except fear. * Sam Bowden has always provided for his family's future. But the past is coming back to haunt them. * ''[from TV spot]'' He paid his debt to society. Now he's paying back his lawyer. * ''[from TV spot]'' One man's freedom becomes another man's fear. * ''[from TV spot]'' There is a darkness in every soul, where evil waits. == Cast == * [[Robert De Niro]] - [[w:Max Cady|Max Cady]] * [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]] - Sam Bowden * [[Jessica Lange]] - Leigh Bowden * [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Danielle Bowden * [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] - Claude Kersek * [[w:Robert Mitchum|Robert Mitchum]] - Lt. Elgart * [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]] - Lee Heller * [[w:Martin Balsam|Martin Balsam]] - Judge * [[w:Illeana Douglas|Illeana Douglas]] - Lori Davis * [[Fred Thompson]] - Tom Broadbent * [[w:Zully Montero|Zully Montero]] - Graciella == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0101540|title=Cape Fear}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1037581-cape_fear|title=Cape Fear}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Crime thriller films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Remake films]] [[Category:Psychological thriller films]] [[Category:Films directed by Martin Scorsese]] [[Category:Neo-noir]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in North Carolina]] [[Category:Films about psychopaths]] [[Category:Films about stalking]] [[Category:Southern Gothic films]] 6650pk6mgvgpt7npuf0yh84b8k5i2pz 3944288 3944284 2026-05-22T21:30:34Z Thewordguy1984 504288 /* Sam Bowden */ 3944288 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cape Fear (1991 film)|Cape Fear]]''''' is a [[w:1991 in film|1991 film]] about a convicted rapist, released from prison after serving a 14 year sentence, who stalks the family of the lawyer who originally defended him. It is a remake of the [[w:Cape Fear (1962 film)|1962 film of the same name]]. :''Directed by [[Martin Scorsese]]. Written by [[w:Wesley Strick|Wesley Strick]], based on the 1962 screenplay by [[w:James R. Webb (writer)|James R. Webb]], which was an adaptation from the novel [[w:The Executioners|The Executioners]] by [[John D. MacDonald]].'' {{center|'''There is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. Except fear.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Max Cady == * ''[watching passing teenaged girls]'' They're great at that age, ain't they? All those discoveries ahead of 'em. You're lucky, Counselor. My own daughter, she don't even know me. After I went inside, her mama told her I was dead - which, in a way, I was. * I learned to read during my stretch. First, ''Spot Goes to the Farm'', then ''Runaway Bunny'', then law books mostly. Did you know that after I discharged you, I acted as my own attorney? Applied several times for an appeal. Mm-hmm. So, here we are - two lawyers, for all practical purposes, talking shop. * It's not necessary to lay a foul tongue on me, my friend. I could get upset. Things could get out of hand. Then in self defense, I could do something to you that you would not like, right here. * What you gonna do, arrest me? You a cop? Or ''were'' you a cop? Or were you not good enough to remain on the force, cause you know what? That's the feelin' I'm gettin' here. * Guess I'm covered in too many tattoos, huh? But you see, there's not a hell of a lot to do in prison but desecrate your flesh. * ''[after fighting off Kersek's thugs while Bowden watches]'' Counselor? Counselor, is that you? Counselor, come out, come out, wherever you are! I ain't no "white trash piece of shit", I'm better than you all! I can outlearn you, I can outread you, I can outthink you, and I can out-philosophize you. And I'm gonna outlast you! You think a couple whacks to my good ol' boy guts is gonna get me down? It's gonna take a hell of a lot more than that, Counselor, to prove you're better than me! "I am like God, and God like me! I am as large as God! He is as small as I! He cannot above me, nor I beneath Him be!" [[Angelus Silesius|Silesius]], 17th century! Counselor? Counselor? Could you be there? Could you be there? ''[whistles]'' Counselor? I wonder if you're here. Ah, fuck it. You're here, you ain't here. What the fuck's the difference? * I am going to teach you the meaning of commitment. Fourteen years ago, I was forced to make a commitment to an eight-by-nine cell, now ''you'' are going to be forced to make a commitment. You could say I'm here to save you. * ''[Danielle throws scalding grease over him]'' Are you offering me something hot? ''[lights a flare and holds it aloft]'' Let's get something straight here. I spent fourteen years in an eight by nine cell surrounded by people who were less than human. My mission in that time was to become ''more'' than human. ''[lets boiling wax drip on his skin]'' You see? Granddaddy used to handle snakes in church, Granny drank strychnine. I guess you could say I had a leg up, genetically speaking. * Tonight, you're gonna learn to be an animal! To live like an animal and to die like one! * ''[singing]'' On Jordan's stormy branks I stand! Oh, who will come with me? I am bound for the promised land! I am bound for the promised l-... land! I am bound for the promised land! == Sam Bowden == * If you don't leave- if you don't leave my family alone and if you don't get out of here, you're gonna be hurt like you never dreamed. * ''[Max hits him with a gun in a third time]'' Just because she was promiscuous to give me the right to rape her! And you bragged to me that you beat two prior aggravated rapes! You're a menace! == Danielle Bowden == * My reminiscence: I always thought that for such a lovely river, the name was mystifying - Cape Fear - when the only thing to fear on those enchanted summer nights was that the magic would end, and real life would come crashing in. * We never spoke about what happened, at least not to each other. Fear, I suppose, that to remember his name and what he did would mean letting him into our dreams. And me, I hardly dream about him anymore. Still, things won't ever be the way they were before he came. But that's all right, because if you hang onto the past, you die a little every day. And for myself, I know I'd rather live. ''[whispers]'' The end. == Claude Kersek == * ''[to Sam, after meeting Max]'' You were right, there ''is'' a lot of "cutesy-cutesy" in that little prick, ain't there? * No, you're scared. But that's okay. I want you to savor that fear. The South evolved in fear: fear of the Indian, fear of the slave, fear of the damn Union. The South has a fine tradition of savoring fear. == Lieutenant Elgart == * ''[on Cady's tattoos]'' I don't know whether to look at him or read him. == Judge == * This court does not condone feuds, vendettas or vigilantism. Let me quote our great Negro educator, Mr. [[w:Brooker T. Washington|Booker T. Washington]]: "I will let no man drag me down so low... as to make me hate him." == Dialogue == :''[As Max Cady is released from prison, leaving a collection of books about law, religion and philosophy in his cell]'' :'''Prison Guard 1''': Anyone coming for you, Cady? :''[Cady shakes his head]'' :'''Prison Guard 2''': What about your books? :'''Max Cady''': Already read 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max Cady''': ''[smiling, after grabbing the keys from the car]'' Free as a bird, apparently. You go wherever you want with whomever. That much freedom could maybe get a fella into trouble, what do you think? :'''Sam Bowden''': I'd like my keys. :'''Max Cady''': Could it be you don't remember me? :'''Sam Bowden''': Oh yeah, sure, I remember you. You were at the movie house the other night. :'''Max Cady''': Oh, I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. :'''Sam Bowden''': I would like my keys. :'''Max Cady''': Max Cady. You look the same. Maybe 15 pounds heavier. But they say the average man gains a pound a year till he's about-- :''[Sam interrupts by knocking one of Cady's hands off the car, but fails to shake him]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Oh, come on... :'''Max Cady''': ''[continuing]'' Gains a pound a year till he's about 60. Me? I dropped a pound every year in my sentence. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[remembering]'' Atlanta, 1977. :'''Max Cady''': You got it. July. ''[looks at keys]'' Fourteen years since I held a set of keys. ''[finally gives them back]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[trying to diffuse the tension]'' You look good, healthy. :'''Max Cady''': Thank you, 'cause it's a struggle to stay healthy in the joint. But you wouldn't know 'bout that, would ya? If you were me, they'd stick you with the white trash. They don't strike a lick of work all day. In fact, ''[places his cigar in his mouth]'' this little ol' cigar is my only vice... 'cause I ''needed'' a vice in the joint, to remind me I was human. :'''Sam Bowden''': Well, what brings you to New Essex? :'''Max Cady''': Oh, the climate. Boy, the South. I'm thinkin' of settlin' right down here in New Essex, Counselor. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[apprehensively]'' Have you been following me? :'''Max Cady''': ''[shrugging]'' It's a small town. Everywhere you turn, we're gonna run into each other. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[starting the car]'' Take care, Mr. Cady. :'''Max Cady''': You too. :''[Sam starts to drive away]'' :'''Max Cady''': ''[coldly, dropping all pretense]'' You're gonna learn about loss. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[stopping the car]'' What? :''[Cady leaves without another word]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sam Bowden''': How much do you want, Mr. Cady? :'''Max Cady''': How much do I want what? :'''Sam Bowden''': How much money do you want? :'''Max Cady''': Money? Counselor, do I look destitute to you? :'''Sam Bowden''': Well, I'm open to discussion within reasonable limits. :'''Max Cady''': You ever been a woman? :'''Sam Bowden''': What? :'''Max Cady''': ''[pointedly]'' A woman. Some fat, hairy, ugly hillbilly's wet dream. :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[after a short silence, uncomfortably]'' Look, I realize that you suffered in prison-- :'''Max Cady''': ''[dismissively]'' "Suffered". :'''Sam Bowden''': There's no question about that-- :'''Max Cady''': "Suffered". You don't know what suffering ''is'', Counselor. Like it says in Galatians 3, "Have ye suffered so many things in vain?" Yeah, I learned from the get-go in the joint to get in touch with the soft, nurturin' side of myself, the ''feminine'' side. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lieutenant Elgart''': Well, at the very least, we nail him for the dog. Now what happened? You let the dog out, Cady abducted him? :'''Sam Bowden''': No, no, uh... we didn't let the dog out. :'''Lieutenant Elgart''': Cady came into your house? Now that's illegal entry with intent-- :'''Sam Bowden''': Yeah, but he, uh, he didn't come into the house. Now look, I'm not a cop, I don't know exactly ''how'' he did it, I just know that he ''did'' it, somehow. :'''Lieutenant Elgart''': That's not good enough, Mr. Bowden. Now you're a lawyer, you damn well know that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claude Kersek''': You know, I've been in a real bad mood lately. Shame, ain't it? You know what you can do to brighten my mood? :'''Max Cady''': No. :'''Claude Kersek''': Get the hell out of here. I don't mean just this whole town, I mean the whole goddamned state. I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna hear you, and I don't wanna smell you. Now leave. :'''Max Cady''': Now, I like to-- Are you my friend? :'''Claude Kersek''': No, I'm not your friend. :'''Max Cady''': Oh, cause I thought maybe you were my friend, because I like to plan my comings and goings with friends. But if you're ''not'' my friend and you're planning my comings and goings, I'd call that presumptuous. In fact, I'd call it downright rude. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danielle Bowden''': You're not the drama teacher, are you? :'''Max Cady''': ''[smiling]'' Maybe I'm the [[w:Big Bad Wolf|big bad wolf]]. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Um... so you're that guy that's been hanging around the house? You're the one that killed my mom's dog? :'''Max Cady''': ''[feigning surprise]'' Your mom's dog was killed? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah. :'''Max Cady''': I didn't even know anything about that. That's a shame. That's a damn shame. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yes, it was. :'''Max Cady''': What kind of dog was it? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Um... I don't know. He was just... he was, um, fluffy and... :'''Max Cady''': Fluffy? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Mm-hmm. So you didn't do that? :'''Max Cady''': Of course I didn't do that. :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[sighing]'' Okay... :'''Max Cady''': I wouldn't do that. :'''Danielle Bowden''': So why... what are you doing here then? :'''Max Cady''': Well, I came to meet you, to be honest with you. :'''Danielle Bowden''': W-Why? I mean-- :'''Max Cady''': 'Cause... I wanted to meet you, see what you were like. I see you're a nice person. That's all. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Just... you're not gonna hurt me, are you? :'''Max Cady''': No, I'm not gonna hurt you at all. There's no hurtin' here, Danielle. 'Tween us, there's no anger, nothin'. Just a search for truth. I mean, did you judge me, did you get angry at me when you caught me smokin' the grass? Hmm? :'''Danielle Bowden''': No. :'''Max Cady''': But your parents, they judged you. They got plenty angry at you, didn't they? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah. :'''Max Cady''': Mm-hmm. They punished you for ''their'' sins. What did they do? :'''Danielle Bowden''': They, uh... My dad... They just yelled a whole lot and, um... My mom cried... and, and my dad said I couldn't drive the Cherokee. :'''Max Cady''': I'd say they punished you for their sins, and you resent that, and you ''should'' resent it. But Professor 'Do-Right' has a little advice for you. You shouldn't damn 'em. Don't judge 'em. Just forgive 'em, for they know not what they do. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Well, um, why do you hate my father? :'''Max Cady''': I don't hate him at all. Oh, no, I pray for him. I'm here to help him. I mean, we all make mistakes, Danielle. You and I have. At least we try to admit it. Don't we? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah... :'''Max Cady''': Mm-hmm. But your daddy, he don't. Every man carries a circle of hell around his head like a halo. Your daddy, too. Every man, every man has to go through hell to reach his paradise. You know what paradise is? :'''Danielle Bowden''': No. :'''Max Cady''': Salvation. 'Cause your daddy's not happy. Your mommy's not happy. And you know what? ''You're'' not happy. Are you? :'''Danielle Bowden''': No, I'm not. :'''Max Cady''': You thought about me last night, didn't you? :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[chuckles slightly]'' Um... yes, I did. :'''Max Cady''': I know. You know, I think I might have found a companion. A companion for that long walk to the light. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[lying on her bed in a shirt and underwear]'' This isn't... gonna work, you know. :'''Sam Bowden''': What isn't going to work? :'''Danielle Bowden''': Locking us in, hiding us from the world. :'''Sam Bowden''': Oh, don't be so dramatic, Danny. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Making me stay outta school... :'''Sam Bowden''': Well, you're going back to school tomorrow. And put some clothes on, you're not a little kid anymore. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Yeah, and why am I going back to school tomorrow? What are you gonna do? :'''Sam Bowden''': That's none of your concern, Danny. :'''Danielle Bowden''': Dad... he didn't force himself on me, you know. I know you'd like to think that he did. But I think he was... I think he was just trying to make a connection with me, y'know? :''[Alarmed, Sam marches into the room and joins her on the bed]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Now, Danny, I want you to listen to me, all right? ''[pointing in her face as she tries to look away]'' No. You understand? No. There will ''never'' be ''any'' connection between you and Max Cady. You understand that? :''[Danielle brushes her hair aside awkwardly]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Did he touch you? :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[laughing slightly]'' What? :'''Sam Bowden''': What are you laughing about? Why are you smiling? I'm asking you a question - did he touch you? :''[Danielle smiles, and Sam suddenly grabs her by the face in anger]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Danny, wipe that smile off your face! I'm asking you, did he ''touch'' you?! ''[shaking her]'' C'mon! ''[realizing that he has scared her]'' Oh, n-no, wait, Danny, I'm sorry. :'''Danielle Bowden''': No...! :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[trying to comfort her]'' No, I'm sorry. Wait, honey, I'm sorry-- :'''Danielle Bowden''': ''[pushing him away]'' GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max Cady''': ''[holding Sam at gunpoint]'' The people call Samuel J. Bowden! Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?! :'''Sam Bowden''': Cady, somebody's got to man the boat. We're heading into unprotected water! :'''Max Cady''': Do you swear?! :'''Danielle Bowden''': I'll do it, Dad-- :'''Max Cady''': ''[pointing her the gun]'' You sit, Danielle! Don't you make light of your civic duty, darling! You're the jury! :'''Sam Bowden''': All right, all right, okay! I swear to tell the truth. What do you wanna know? :'''Max Cady''': Was a prior sexual history ever prepared in connection with my defence? ''Was a prior sexual history ever prepared in connection with my defence?!'' :'''Sam Bowden''': It's... ''[Cady hits him in the face and Danielle is screaming]'' :'''Max Cady''': ''[looking in the camera behind him]'' I'm sorry, Your Honor. I agree. That was argumentative. ''[addressing again to Sam]'' An investigator did prepare a prior sexual history on the alleged victim, true? ''[looking again behind him]'' I ''can'' ask leading questions, Your Honor, he ''is'' a hostile witness! ''[to Sam]'' And would you care to tell the court what the gist was of this report? :'''Sam Bowden''': Cady, it was fourteen years ago. I can't remember that-- ''[Cady hits him again]'' :'''Leigh Bowden''': ''[screams]'' How can he answer when you're hitting him like that?! :'''Max Cady''': ''[to the camera behind him]'' Because he's perjurin' himself, Your Honor! He knows damn well exactly what it said! ''[turns to Sam]'' Don't you?! :'''Sam Bowden''': It said that she was promiscuous. It said that she had three different lovers in one month-- :'''Max Cady''': At least three! At ''least'' three! And did you show this report to the D. A.?! :'''Sam Bowden''': No, no... :'''Max Cady''': No, huh?! I only discovered it ''after'' I petitioned to represent myself, six years into my sentence! But there it was in the court file! But back in '77, you ''buried'' it, Counselor! Would you care to tell the jury why?! ''Would you care to tell the court why?!'' :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[looking at Leigh and Danielle]'' Because I know he brutally raped her and he beat her-- :'''Max Cady''': TALK TO ME! I'M STANDIN' HERE! ''[hits Sam again]'' :'''Sam Bowden''': Just because she was promiscuous didn't give you the right to rape her! You ''bragged'' to me that you beat two prior aggravated rapes! You were a menace! :'''Max Cady''': ''[screaming]'' YOU WERE MY ''LAWYER!'' YOU WERE MY ''LAWYER!'' That report could've saved me ''FOURTEEN YEARS!'' :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[begrudgingly]'' You're probably right. :'''Max Cady''': ''[disgusted]'' ''YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCK!'' I'm [[Virgil]], Counselor, and I'm [[w:Inferno (Dante)|guidin' you through the gates of Hell!]] We are now in the Ninth Circle, the Circle of Traitors! Traitors to country! Traitors to fellow man! Traitors to ''God!'' You, sir, are charged with betrayin' the principles of all three! Can you please quote to me the American Bar Association's Rules of Professional Conduct, Canon Seven?! :'''Sam Bowden''': ''[saddened]'' "A lawyer should represent his client..." :'''Max Cady:''' "Should ''ZEALOUSLY'' represent his client within the bounds of the law"! And I find you ''guilty'', Counselor! ''Guilty'' of betrayin' your fellow man! ''Guilty'' of betrayin' your country! ''Guilty'' of abrogatin' your oath! ''Guilty'' of judgin' me and sellin' me out! And with the power vested in me by the kingdom of God, ''I'' sentence ''you'' to the Ninth Circle of Hell! Now ''you'' will learn about loss! Loss of freedom! Loss of ''humanity!'' Now ''you'' and ''I'' will truly be the same, Counselor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During their final fight]'' :'''Max Cady''': Forget about that restraining order, Counselor?! You're well within 500 yards! ''[laughs]'' Well, here we are, Counselor! Just two lawyers workin' it out! :'''Sam Bowden''': I'M GONNA KILL YOU! :'''Max Cady''': You already sacrificed me, Counselor! == Taglines == * There is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. Except fear. * Sam Bowden has always provided for his family's future. But the past is coming back to haunt them. * ''[from TV spot]'' He paid his debt to society. Now he's paying back his lawyer. * ''[from TV spot]'' One man's freedom becomes another man's fear. * ''[from TV spot]'' There is a darkness in every soul, where evil waits. == Cast == * [[Robert De Niro]] - [[w:Max Cady|Max Cady]] * [[w:Nick Nolte|Nick Nolte]] - Sam Bowden * [[Jessica Lange]] - Leigh Bowden * [[w:Juliette Lewis|Juliette Lewis]] - Danielle Bowden * [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] - Claude Kersek * [[w:Robert Mitchum|Robert Mitchum]] - Lt. Elgart * [[w:Gregory Peck|Gregory Peck]] - Lee Heller * [[w:Martin Balsam|Martin Balsam]] - Judge * [[w:Illeana Douglas|Illeana Douglas]] - Lori Davis * [[Fred Thompson]] - Tom Broadbent * [[w:Zully Montero|Zully Montero]] - Graciella == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0101540|title=Cape Fear}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1037581-cape_fear|title=Cape Fear}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Crime thriller films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Remake films]] [[Category:Psychological thriller films]] [[Category:Films directed by Martin Scorsese]] [[Category:Neo-noir]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in North Carolina]] [[Category:Films about psychopaths]] [[Category:Films about stalking]] [[Category:Southern Gothic films]] 2pa635juty34i9e0c9bld976v2uyloe 0 138225 3944418 3936540 2026-05-23T09:05:35Z Opm581 3169412 3944418 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:AtaculdeNoapte.jpg|thumb|I'm [[honest]]. It’s the [[world]] that’s awful.]] '''''[[w:A Song of Ice and Fire|A Song of Ice and Fire]]''''' (1996 –) is a series of epic fantasy novels written by American novelist and screenwriter [[George R. R. Martin]]. Martin began the series in 1991 in response to the limitation of television production and published the first volume, ''A Game of Thrones,'' in 1996. Martin gradually extended the originally planned trilogy into four, six and eventually seven volumes, the last two of which he has not finished. == Quotations == [[Image:Accolade by Edmund Blair Leighton.jpg|220px|thumb|right|In the name of the Warrior I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father I charge you to be just. In the name of the Mother I charge you to defend the young and innocent. In the name of the Maid I charge you to protect all women...]] [[File:Aurora1.jpg|thumb|right|[[Winter]] is coming.]] [[File:Darkness1.JPG|thumb|right|[[Night]] gathers, and now my watch begins.]] * A knight who remembered his vows. ** Steely Pate in [[w:The Hedge Knight|The Hedge Knight]] (1998). Describing Duncan the Tall, to explain why the commoners are on his side. * In the name of the Warrior I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father I charge you to be just. In the name of the Mother I charge you to defend the young and innocent. In the name of the Maid I charge you to protect all women... ** The Hedge Knight (1998). Start of the knighting ceremony * '''Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.''' ** Vow of the Night's Watch * '''Winter is Coming.''' ** Words of House Stark * '''Fire and Blood''' ** Words of House Targaryen * '''Hear Me Roar''' ** Words of House Lannister * '''Ours is the Fury''' ** Words of House Baratheon * '''Family, Duty, Honor''' ** Words of House Tully * '''We Do Not Sow''' ** Words of House Greyjoy * '''As High As Honor''' **Words of House Arryn * '''Growing Strong''' ** Words of House Tyrell * '''Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.''' ** Words of House Martell * '''Our Blades Are Sharp''' ** Words of House Bolton * ''Valar morghulis.'' ** "All men must die," A maxim in High Valyrian * ''Valar dohaeris.'' ** "All men must serve," A maxim in High Valyrian. * The cold winds are rising. ** Common saying * The night is dark and full of terrors. ** Often said by worshippers of The Lord of Light * In a coat of gold or a coat of red a lion still has claws. 'And mine are long and sharp, my lord, as long and sharp as yours. ** A line in the song "The Rains of Castamere." (A song written about the destruction of House Tarbeck and House Reyne brought about by Lord Tywin Lannister.) * A Lannister always pays his debts. ** A saying about the Lannisters [[File:Keren Battlefield 008.jpg|thumb|right|And now his watch has ended]] * What is dead may never die, but rises again harder and stronger. ** Ironborn creed * And now his watch has ended. ** Epitaph of the Night's Watch * I am so sorry. ** Said by The Sorrowful Men right before an assassination * Words are wind. ** Common saying * May the Father judge him justly. ** Common Epitaph === ''[[w:A Game of Thrones|A Game of Thrones]]'' (1996) === * “We should start back,” Gared urged as the woods began to grow dark around them. “The wildlings are dead.” ** Prologue (opening words) * The morning had dawned clear and cold, with a crispness that hinted at the end of summer. ** Bran (I) * "Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?"<br>"That is the only time a man can be brave." ** Bran (I)—Bran & Ned * '''If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.''' ** Bran (I)—Lord Eddard Stark * A ruler who hides behind paid executioners soon forgets what death is. ** Bran (I)—Lord Eddard Stark * The words gave her a chill, as they always did. The Stark words. Every noble house had its words. Family mottoes, touchstones, prayers of sorts, they boasted of honor and glory, promised loyalty and truth, swore faith and courage. All but the Starks. ''Winter is coming'', said the Stark words. ** Catelyn (I)-Catelyn Stark * Anger flashed in her brother’s lilac eyes. “Do you take me for a fool?”<br>The magister bowed slightly. “I take you for a king. Kings lack the caution of common men.” ** Daenerys (I)—Viserys & Illyrio * Generations of capering fools in motley have won me the right to dress badly and say any damn thing that comes into my head. ** Jon (I)—Tyrion Lannister * '''Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.''' ** Jon (I)—Tyrion Lannister * Give me honorable enemies rather than ambitious ones, and I'll sleep more easily by night. ** Bran (II)—Jaime Lannister * Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities. ** Tyrion (I)—Tyrion Lannister * I ask you, Ned, what good is it to wear a crown? The gods mock the prayers of kings and cowherds alike. ** Eddard (II)—King Robert Baratheon [[File:Library art detail, Bookplate of Charles P. Searle, (LOC) (15423158127) (cropped).jpg|thumb|A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge.]] * My mind is my weapon. My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer, and I have my mind...And '''a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge'''. ** Tyrion (II)—Tyrion Lannister * ''Never'' draw your sword unless you mean to use it. ** Catelyn (III)-Ser Rodrick Cassell * He was always clever, even as a boy, but it is one thing to be clever and another to be wise. ** Catelyn (IV)—Catelyn Stark * Jon could not find it in him to pray to any gods, old or new. If they were real, he thought, they were as cruel and implacable as winter. ** Jon (III) * "They hate me because I'm better than they are" <br/k> "No. They hate you because you act like you're better than they are." ** Jon (III)-Jon Snow and Donal Noye * '''Let them see that their words can cut you, and you'll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name, take it, make it your own. Then they can't hurt you with it anymore.''' ** Jon (III)—Tyrion Lannister * "Know the men who follow you, and let them know you. Don't ask your men to die for a stranger." ** Arya (II)-Lord Eddard Stark * '''“The common people pray for rain, healthy children, and a summer that never ends,” Ser Jorah told her. “It is no matter to them if the high lords play their game of thrones, so long as they are left in peace.” He gave a shrug. “They never are.”''' ** Daenerys (III)—Ser Jorah Mormont * I swear to you, I was never so alive as when I was winning this throne, or so dead as now that I've won it. ** Eddard (VII)—King Robert Baratheon * Wizards die the same as other men, once you cut their heads off. ** Arya (III)—Desmond * A true man does what he will, not what he must. ** Eddard (XII)—Cersei Lannister * '''When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.''' ** Eddard (XII)—Cersei Lannister *"Ah, but when the queen proclaims one king and the Hand another, whose peace do they protect?" Lord Petyr flicked at the dagger with his finger, setting it spinning in place. When at last it slowed to a stop, the blade pointed at Littlefinger. "Why, there's your answer. '''They follow the man who pays them.'''" ** Eddard (XIII)-Lord Petyr Baelish, discussing the loyalty of the Gold Cloaks [[File:Il Condottiere.jpg|thumb|right|They follow the man who pays them.]] * You wear your honor like a suit of armor, Stark. You think it keeps you safe, but all it does is weigh you down and make it hard for you to move. ** Eddard (XIII)—Lord Petyr Baelish * Laughter is poison to fear. ** Catelyn (VIII)—Catelyn Stark * Some commands are more easily given than obeyed. ** Jon (VII) * There is no creature on earth half so terrifying as a truly just man. ** Eddard (XIV)—Lord Varys * For fifteen years I protected him from his enemies, but I could not protect him from his friends. ** Eddard (XV)–Lord Varys * "What strange fit of madness led you to tell the queen that you had learned the secret of Joffrey's birth?"<br>"'''The madness of mercy'''." ** Eddard (XV)–Varys & Ned * “You are an honest and honorable man, Lord Eddard. Ofttimes I forget that. I have met so few of them in my life.” He glanced around the cell. “When I see what honesty and honor have won you, I understand why.” ** Eddard (XV)—Lord Varys * Tell me, Lord Eddard ... why is it always the innocents who suffer most, when you high lords play your game of thrones? ** Eddard (XV)—Lord Varys * ''In life, the monsters win.'' ** Sansa (VI) *A craven can be as brave as any man, when there is nothing to fear. And we all do our duty, when there is no cost to it. How easy it seems then, to walk the path of honor. Yet soon or late in every man’s life comes a day when it is not easy, a day when he must choose. ** Jon (?) - Maester Aemon * Wherever you have a camp, you are certain to have camp followers. ** Tyrion (VIII) * A man who fights for coin is loyal only to his purse. ** Tyrion (IX)—Ser Kevan Lannister * It is no good hammering your sword into a plowshare if you must forge it again on the morrow. ** Catelyn (XI)—Ser Brynden Tully * Is it so far from madness to wisdom? ** Danaerys (X)–Danaerys === ''[[w:A Clash of Kings|A Clash of Kings]]'' (1999) === * Many called her beautiful. She was not beautiful. She was red, and terrible, and red. ** Prologue * The world preferred to forget that men who knew how to heal also knew how to kill. ** Prologue * "The Watch needs good men" he told them as they set out, "but you lot will have to do." ** Arya (I)–Yoren * Prince Tommen was not so obedient. “I’m supposed to ride against the straw man.”</br>“Not today.”</br>“But I want to ride!”</br>“I don’t care what you want.”</br>“Mother ''said'' I could ride.” </br> “She said,” Princess Myrcella agreed. </br> “Mother ''said,”'' mocked the king. “Don’t be childish.” </br> “We’re children,” Myrcella declared haughtily. “We’re ''supposed'' to be childish.”</br>The Hound laughed. “She has you there.” ** Sansa (I) * Crowns do queer things to the heads beneath them. ** Tyrion (I)—Tyrion Lannister * Schemes are like fruit, they require a certain ripening ** Tyrion (I)—Tyrion Lannister * Doubtless fresh rats were to be preferred to old stale rotten rats ... When times grew lean, even bakers found sellswords cheaper than bread, he reflected. ** Tyrion (I) * Only cowards kill the vanquished ** Tyrion (I)—Shae * I'm terrified of my enemies, so I kill them all. ** Tyrion (I)—Tyrion Lannister * “I’ll have the boy.” ...</br> “You’ll have no one,” Yoren said stubbornly. “There’s laws on such things.” </br> The gold cloak drew a shortsword. “Here’s your law.” </br> Yoren looked at the blade. “That’s no law, just a sword. Happens I got one too.” ** Arya (II) * '''There's no shame in fear, my father told me, what matters is how we face it.''' ** Jon (I) * ''Some men want whores on the eve of battle, and some want gods.'' Jon wondered who felt better afterward. ** Jon (I) * Catelyn was finding that kings do not listen half so attentively as sons. ** Catelyn (I) * “He’ll want what kings always want,” she said. “Homage.” ** Catelyn (I)—Catelyn Stark * "My first rule of war, Cat—never give the enemy his wish." ** Catelyn (I)–Brynden Tully * Can a whore truly love anyone, I wonder? ** Tyrion (II)–Tyrion * If it is the swordsmen who rule us in truth, why do we pretend kings have the power? ** Tyrion (II)—Lord Varys * "'''Power resides where men ''believe'' it resides. No more and no less.'''"<br>"So power is a mummer's trick?"<br>"A shadow on the wall," Varys murmured, "yet shadows can kill. And ofttimes a very small man can cast a very large shadow." ** Tyrion (II)—Lord Varys and Tyrion * “Tell me, Bronn. If I told you to kill a babe . . . an infant girl, say, still at her mother’s breast . . . would you do it? Without question?” </br> “Without question? No.” The sellsword rubbed thumb and forefinger together. “I'd ask how much.” ** Tyrion (II)—Tyrion and Bronn * The morning air was dark with the smoke of burning gods. ** Davos (I) * When a pirate grows rich enough, they make him a prince. ** Davos (I) * This world is twisted beyond hope, when lowborn smugglers must vouch for the honor of kings ** Davos (I) * So many kings, my tongue grows weary of the word. ** Davos (I)—Salladhor Saan * '''What good is this, I ask you? He who hurries through life hurries to his grave.''' ** Davos (I)—Salladhor Saan * “I do not know this Lord of Light,” Davos admitted, “but I knew the gods we burned this morning. The Smith has kept my ships safe, while the Mother has given me seven strong sons.”<br>“Your wife has given you seven strong sons. Do you pray to her? It was wood we burned this morning.” ** Davos (I)—Davos and Stannis * I stopped believing in gods the day I saw the ''Windproud'' break up across the bay. Any gods so monstrous as to drown my mother and father would never have ''my'' worship, I vowed. In King’s Landing, the High Septon would prattle at me of how all justice and goodness flowed from the Seven, but all I ever saw of either was made by men. ** Davos (I)—King Stannis Baratheon * A frightened man is a beaten man ** Davos (I)—King Stannis Baratheon * When you have seen your kings shit over the rail and turn green in a storm, it was hard to bend the knee and pretend they were gods. ** Theon (I) * A crown was worth a little mud and horseshit on his breeches, he supposed. ** Theon (I) * The Iron Islands lived in the past; the present was too hard and bitter to be borne. ** Theon (I) * A man agrees with god as a raindrop with the storm. ** Theon (I)—Aeron Greyjoy * ''Boys believe nothing can hurt them,'' his doubt whispered. ''Grown men know better.'' ** Theon (I)—Theon Greyjoy * Bad enough when the dead come walking. Now the Old Bear wants them talking as well! ... The dead are likely dull fellows, full of tedious complaints—the ground’s too cold, my gravestone should be larger, why does ''he'' get more worms than I do... ** Jon (II)—Dolorous Edd * If it's softer than ground and has a roof over it, I call it a bed. ** Jon (II)–Dolorous Edd * She got dirt in her mouth but she didn't care, the taste was fine, the taste was mud and water and worms and life. ** Arya (IV) * When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say. ** Tyrion (III)—Tyrion * The smallfolk are always eager to believe the worst of their lords. ** Tyrion (III)—Tyrion * "The smiths are in your audience chamber, waiting your pleasure", he said as they crossed the ward.<br>"Waiting my pleasure. I like the ring of that, Bronn. You almost sound like a proper courtier. Next you'll be kneeling."<br>"Fuck you, dwarf."<br>"That's Shae's task." ** Tyrion (III)–Bronn and Tyrion * Let us not get into the habit of names. Names are dangerous. ** Tyrion (III)–Tyrion * If I could pray with my cock I'd be a lot more religious. ** Tyrion (III)–Tyrion * It is one thing to deceive a king, and quite another to hide from the cricket in the rushes and the little bird in the chimney. ** Tyrion (III)–Varys * If there is food I eat it, in case there is none on the morrow. ** Tyrion (IV)–Tyrion * A man like Petyr Baelish, who had a gift for rubbing two golden dragons together to make a third, was invaluable to his Hand. ** Tyrion (IV) * The longer he lived, the more Tyrion realized that nothing was simple and little was true. ** Tyrion (IV) * Is a secret still a secret if everyone knows it? ** Tyrion (IV)–Tyrion * The talk at the walls had all been of troubles in the city of late. People were crowding in, running from the war, and many had no way to live save robbing and killing each other. ** Sansa (II) * There was something wild about a godswood; even here, in the heart of the castle in the heart of the city, you could feel the old gods watching with a thousand eyes. ** Sansa (II) * "Why do you let people call you a dog? You won't let anyone call you a knight."<br>"I like dogs better than knights ... A hound will die for you, but never lie to you." ** Sansa (II)—Sansa and Sandor Clegane * Paint stripes on a toad, he does not become a tiger. ** Sansa (II)—Sandor Clegane * If it could burn the Lannisters had burned it; if it could die, they'd killed it. ** Arya (V) * Part of her wanted to be a swan. The other part wanted to eat one. She had broken her fast on some acorn paste and a handful of bugs. Bugs weren't so bad when you got used to them. Worms were worse, but not so bad as the pain in your belly from days without food. ** Arya (V) * Knights and lordlings, they take each other captive and pay ransoms, but they don't care if the likes of you yield or not. ** Arya (V)–Gendry * That was the way of war. The smallfolk were slaughtered, while the highborn were held for ransom. ** Tyrion (V) * He watched them as from a distance, as if he still sat in the window of his bedchamber looking down on the yard below, seeing everything yet a part of nothing. ** Bran (III) * Dawn came cruel, a dagger of light. ** Catelyn (II) * One day she would allow herself to be less than strong. But it could not be today. ** Catelyn (II) * When there are no battles to fight, men start to think of hearth and harvest. ** Catelyn (II)–Robb Stark * Pity filled Catelyn's heart. ''Is there any creature on earth as unfortunate as an ugly woman?'' ** Catelyn (II) * ''King'' is only a word, but fealty, loyalty, service ... those I must have. ** Catelyn (II)–Renly Baratheon * Have you noticed that the rain stopped the instant I had a roof above me? It will start again now that I'm back out. Gods and dogs alike delight to piss on me. ** Jon (III)–Dolorous Edd * ''That's my cursed luck. I kill the poor.'' ** Theon (II)–Theon * "... [W]hen you've known me longer, you'll learn that I mean everything I say."<br>"Even the lies?"<br>"''Especially'' the lies." ** Tyrion (VI)—Tyrion and Littlefinger * She thought she had known what it meant to be afraid, but she learned better in the storehouse beside the Gods Eye. ** Arya (VI) * Arya watched them die and said nothing. What good did it do you to be brave? ... There were no brave people on that march, only scared and hungry ones. ** Arya (VI) * Every night Arya would say their names. "Ser Gregor," she'd whisper to her stone pillow. "Dunsen, Polliver, Chiswyck, Raff the Sweetling, The Tickler and The Hound. Ser Amory, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei." Back in Winterfell, Arya had prayed with her mother in the sept and with her father in the godswood, but there were no gods on the road to Harrenhal, and the names were the only prayer she cared to remember. ** Arya (VI) * The middle wall, forty feet high, was grey granite alive with scenes of war: the clash of sword and shield and spear, arrows in flight, heroes at battle and babes being butchered, pyres of the dead. The innermost wall was fifty feet of black marble, with carvings that made Dany blush until she told herself that she was being a fool. She was no maid; if she could look on the grey wall’s scenes of slaughter, why should she avert her eyes from the sight of men and women giving pleasure to one another? ** Daenerys (II) * I was a boy, and what boy does not wish to find secret powers hidden in himself? ** Bran (IV)–Maester Luwin * “Sleep is good,” he said. “And books are better.” ** Tyrion (VII)—Tyrion * ''It is real, all of it'', he thought, ''the wars, the intrigues, the great bloody game, and me in the center of it ... me, the dwarf, the monster, the one they scorned and laughed at, but now I hold it all, the city, the girl. This was what I was made for, and gods forgive me, but I love it.'' ** Tyrion (VII)—Tyrion * As for those she served with, she did not even want to even know their names. That only made it hurt worse when they died. ** Arya (VII) * Gods do not forget ... ** Catelyn (III) * “Kings have no friends,” Stannis said bluntly, “only subjects and enemies.” ** Catelyn (III) [[File:Coronation Chair and Stone of Scone. Anonymous Engraver. Published in A History of England (1855).jpg|thumb|alt=A wooden throne resting on four carved lions. A compartment under the seat holds a large rock. On the right a sword leans up against the chair, on the left a great slab.|Kings have no friends, only subjects and enemies.]] * If you step in a nest of snakes, does it matter which one bites you first? ** Catelyn (III)—Stannis * "Look across the fields, brother? Do you see all those banners?"<br>"Do you think a few bolts of cloth will make you king?" ** Catelyn (III)—Renly and Stannis * "I am not without mercy", thundered he who was notoriously without mercy. ** Catelyn (III)–Stannis *"What sort of knight beats helpless maids?"<br>"The one who serves his king ..." ** Sansa (III)–Tyrion and Ser Boros Blount * '''Sorcery is the sauce fools spoon over failure to hide the flavor of their own incompetence.''' ** Sansa (III)—Tyrion * “Maester Luwin says there’s nothing in dreams that a man need fear.”<br>“There is,” said Jojen.<br>“What?”<br>“The past. The future. The truth.” ** Bran (V) * ... for a moment the forest seemed a deep green sea, storm-tossed and heaving, eternal and unknowable. ** Jon (IV) * "You'd best get a bird ready. Mormont will want to send back word."<br>"I wish I could send them all. They hate being caged."<br>"You would too, if you could fly." ** Jon (IV)–Jon and Samwell * "You think I'm wrong to keep the rangers close?"<br>"It's not for me to say, my lord."<br>"It is if you're asked." ** Jon (IV)–Lord Mormont and Jon * Why would the gods send a warning if we can't heed it and change what's to come? ** Bran (V)–Meera Reed * Have you ever considered that too many answers are the same as no answer at all? ... When a king dies, fancies sprout like mushrooms in the dark. ** Tyrion (VIII)–Tyrion * The living should smile, for the dead cannot. ** Theon (III)–Dagmer Cleftjaw * Some men are born to be killed. ** Theon (III)–Dagmer * Tomorrow's trials concerned her more than yesterday's triumphs. ** Catelyn (V) * The gods don't care about men, no more than kings care about peasants. ** Catelyn (V)—Brienne of Tarth * One skull looks much like another ... ** Catelyn (V) * ''I have become the most splendid beggar in the world, but a beggar all the same.'' ** Danaerys (III)–Danaerys * ''He distrusts everyone,'' she reflected, ''and perhaps for good reason.'' ** Daenerys (III)—Daenerys * Well, let her enjoy her plots. She was much sweeter when she thought she was outwitting him. ** Tyrion (IX) * Bronn had a score of sellswords scattered throughout the crowd with orders to stop any trouble before it started. Perhaps Cersei had similarly disposed her Kettleblacks. Somehow Tyrion did not think it would help much. If the fire was too hot, you could hardly keep the pudding from scorching by tossing a handful of raisins in the pot. ** Tyrion (IX) * He thought he could smell smoke, though perhaps it was just the scent of his nerves fraying. ** Tyrion (IX) * The list of the slain was topped by the High Septon, ripped apart as he squealed to his gods for mercy. ''Starving men take a hard view of priests too fat to walk,'' Tyrion reflected. ** Tyrion (IX) * ''My most trusted advisors are a eunuch and a sellsword, and my lady's a whore. What does that say about me?'' ** Tyrion (IX)–Tyrion * When I was smuggling, I learned that some men believe everything, and some nothing. ** Davos (II)–Davos * Whether they believe the story or not, they delight to tell it. ** Davos (II)–Davos * "One day I may make you a lord, smuggler. If only to irk Celtigar and Florent. You will not thank me, though. It will mean you must suffer through these councils, and feign interest in the braying of mules."<br>"Why do you have them, if they serve no purpose?"<br>"The mules love the sound of their own braying, why else?" ** Davos (II)–Stannis and Davos * "If she saw two futures, well ... ''both'' cannot be true."<br>King Stannis pointed a finger. "There you err, Onion Knight. Some lights cast more than one shadow." ** Davos (II)–Davos and Stannis * There are no shadows in the dark. Shadows are the servants of light, the children of fire. The brightest flame casts the darkest shadows. ** Davos (II)–Melisandre * Send two hundred wolves against ten thousand sheep, ser, and see what happens. ** Jon (V)–Thoren Smallwood * ''The unseen enemy is always the most fearsome.'' ** Jon (V) * Why else do we don these black cloaks, but to die in defense of the realm? ** Jon (V)–Qhorin Halfhand * "My nephew is tenderhearted."<br>"Are you certain he's a Lannister?"<br>"I'm certain of nothing but winter and battle." ** Tyrion (X)–Tyrion and Bronn * Every man who's tasted my cooking has told me what a good whore I am. ** Tyrion (X)–Shae * I believe in steel swords, gold coins and men's wits. ** Tyrion (X)–Tyrion * ''How can I do my duty if I do not know where it lies?'' ** Catelyn (VI)–Catelyn * Children are a battle of a different sort ... A battle without banners or warhorns, but no less fierce ... As hard as birth can be, what comes after is even harder. ** Catelyn (VI)–Catelyn * Darkness was a chancy ally at best. ** Catelyn (VI) * For men the answer was always the same, and never farther away than the nearest sword. For a woman, a mother, the answer was stonier and harder. ** Catelyn (VI) * Cruel lands breed cruel peoples. ** Bran (VI)–Maester Luwin * Do you always smell so bad, or did you just finish fucking a pig? ** Bran (VI)–Theon * Listen with your ''ears'', not your mouth. ** Arya (IX)–Arya * But now there were only a hundred men left to guard a thousand doors, and no one seemed to know who should be where, nor care much. ** Arya (IX) * They'll kill for that knighthood, but don't think they'll ever die for it. ** Tyrion (XI)–Bronn * One man on a wall was worth ten beneath it. ** Tyrion (XI) * The rite seemed to require that everyone stand, so Tyrion saw nothing but a row of courtly arses. ** Tyrion (XI) * Lord Bolton, he used to say '''a naked man has few secrets, but a flayed man's got none.''' ** Theon (IV)–Reek * ''It is better to be seen as cruel than foolish.'' ** Theon (IV)–Theon * ''Mercy'', thought Theon as Luwin dropped back. ''There's a bloody trap. Too much and they call you weak, too little and you're monstrous'' ... His father thought only in terms of conquest, but what good was it to take a kingdom if you could not hold it? Force and fear could only carry you so far. ** Theon (IV) * The mountain is your mother ... Cling to her, press her face up against your teats, and she won't drop you. ** Jon (VI)–Stonesnake * I hear all sorts of things as a fool that I never heard when I was a knight. ** Sansa (IV)–Ser Dontos * A dog doesn't need courage to chase off rats ... What do you think a knight is ''for'', girl? You think it's all taking favors from ladies and looking fine in gold plate? Knights are for ''killing''. ** Sansa (IV)–The Hound * “What will you do when he crosses?”<br>“Fight. Kill. Die, maybe.”<br>“Aren’t you afraid? The gods might send you down to some terrible hell for all the evil you've done.”<br>“What evil?” He laughed. “What gods?”<br>“The gods who made us all.”<br>“All?” he mocked. “Tell me, little bird, what kind of god makes a monster like the Imp, or a halfwit like Lady Tanda’s daughter? If there are gods, they made sheep so wolves could eat mutton, and they made the weak for the strong to play with.”<br>“True knights protect the weak.”<br> He snorted. “There are no true knights, no more than there are gods. If you can’t protect yourself, die and get out of the way of those who can. Sharp steel and strong arms rule this world, don’t ever believe any different.”<br>Sansa backed away from him. “You're awful.”<br>“I'm honest. It’s the world that’s awful.” ** Sansa (IV)—Sansa Stark and Sandor Clegane * ... By the time they carried her off [[w:Menstruation|her thighs were bloody again]]. It was as if her own body had betrayed her to Joffrey, unfurling a banner of Lannister crimson for all the world to see. ** Sansa (IV) * '''A woman's life is nine parts mess to one part magic ... and the parts that look like magic often turn out to be the messiest of all'''. ** Sansa (IV)—Cersei Lannister * Sansa, permit me to share a bit of womanly wisdom with you on [[w:menarche|this very special day]]. '''Love is poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.''' ** Sansa (IV)—Cersei Lannister * Shadows are friends to men in black. ** Jon (VII)–Qhorin Halfhand * He loved the wild more than he loved the Wall. ** Jon (VII)–Qhorin Halfhand, speaking of Mance Rayder * I told you what needed to be done, and left it to you to decide what it would be ... To lead men you must know them, Jon Snow. I know more of you now than I did this morning. ** Jon (VII)–Qhorin Halfhand * Dead men walk and the trees have eyes again. Why should we balk at wargs and giants? ** Jon (VII)–Qhorin Halfhand * In formal battle, discipline is more important than courage. ** Tyrion (XII)–Tyrion * Men fight more fiercely for a king who shares their peril than one who hides behind his mother's skirts. ** Tyrion (XII)–Tyrion * "I hope you like blackberry tarts."<br>"I love all sorts of [[w:Prostitute|tarts]]."<br>"I've known that for a very long time." *** Tyrion (XII)–Cersei and Tyrion * “Your sons, they...they’re with the gods now.”<br>“Are they?” Catelyn said sharply. “What god would let this happen?” ** Catelyn (VII)—Brienne and Catelyn * There are no men like me. There’s only me. ** Catelyn (VII)—Jaime Lannister * Tyrion says that people often claim to hunger for truth, but seldom like the taste when it’s served up. ** Catelyn (VII)—Jaime * So many vows . . . they make you swear and swear. Defend the king. Obey the king. Keep his secrets. Do his bidding. Your life for his. But obey your father. Love your sister. Protect the innocent. Defend the weak. Respect the gods. Obey the laws. It's too much. No matter what you do, you’re forsaking one vow or the other. ** Catelyn (VII)—Jaime * I will say, I think it passing odd that I am loved by one for a kindness I never did, and reviled by so many for my finest act. ** Catelyn (VII)—Jaime * Your prize will be the doom of you. ** Theon (V)–Asha Greyjoy * Two hundred men were not an army, but you didn't need thousands to hold a castle as strong as Winterfell. So long as they knew which end of a spear did the killing, they might make all the difference. ** Theon (V) * ''In the sept they pray for the Mother's mercy but on the walls it's the Warrior they pray to, and all in silence''. She remembered how Septa Mordane used to tell them that the Warrior and the Mother were only two faces of the same great god. ''But if there is only one, whose prayers will be heard?'' ** Sansa (V) * "Won't your guards protect us?"<br>"And who will protect us from my guards? Loyal sellswords are rare as virgin whores ... Do you have any notion what happens when a city is sacked, Sansa? No, you wouldn't, would you? All you know of life you learned from singers, and there's such a dearth of good sacking songs." ** Sansa (V)—Sansa and Cersei * Smugglers do not sound warhorns and raise banners. When they smell danger, they raise sail and run before the wind. ** Davos (III) * A small spoon of victory is just the thing to settle the stomach before battle. It makes the men hungry for a larger helping. ** Davos (III)–Ser Imry, as recalled by Davos * At sea, heavy steel was as like to cost a man his life as to save it. ** Davos (III) * Some of the living swam, some of the dead floated; the ones in heavy mail and plate sank to the bottom, the quick and the dead alike. ** Davos (III) * There were hundreds in the water, drowning or burning or doing a little of both. ** Tyrion (XIII) * Joff had the Antler Men trussed up naked in the square below, antlers nailed to their heads. When they'd been brought before the Iron Throne for justice, he had promised to send them to Stannis. A man was not as heavy as a boulder or a cask of burning pitch, and could be thrown a deal farther. ** Tyrion (XIII) * The guests laughed, but it was a joyless laughter, the sort that can turn into sobbing in half a heartbeat. ** Sansa (VI) * "Tears," she said scornfully as the woman was led from the hall. "The woman's weapon, my lady mother used to call them. The man's weapon is a sword. And that tells us all you need to know, doesn't it?" ** Sansa (VI)—Cersei, to Sansa * After the madness of battle, soldiers often seem to want flesh more than coin. ** Sansa (VI)–Cersei * Tears are not a woman's ''only'' weapon. You've got another one between your legs, and you'd best learn to use it. You'll find men use their swords freely enough. Both kinds of swords. ** Sansa (VI)—Cersei, to Sansa * The only way to keep people loyal is to make sure they fear you more than the enemy. ** Sansa (VI)—Cersei, to Sansa * The gods must have been mad to waste manhood on the likes of him ... ** Sansa (VI)—Cersei, about Lord Gyles * When it comes to swords, a queen is only a woman after all. ** Sansa (VI)—Cersei, to Sansa * Drink ... Perhaps it will give you the courage to deal with truth for a change. ** Sansa (VI)—Cersei, to Sansa * ''The battle fever''. He had never thought to experience it himself, though Jaime had told him of it often enough. How time seemed to blur and slow and even stop, how the past and the future vanished until there was nothing but the instant, how fear fled, and thought fled, and even your body. "You don't feel your wounds then, or the ache in your back from the weight of the armor, or the sweat running down into your eyes. You stop feeling, you stop thinking, you stop being ''you'', there is only the fight, the foe, this man and then the next and the next and the next, and you know they are afraid and tired but you're not, you're alive, and death is all around you but their swords move so slowly, you can dance through them laughing." ''Battle fever. I am half a man and drunk with slaughter, let them kill me if they can!'' ** Tyrion (XIV) * '''Those are brave men'''" he told Ser Balon in admiration. "'''Let's go kill them.'''" ** Tyrion (XIV)–Tyrion * Men came at him. Some he killed, some he wounded, and some went away, but always there were more. ** Tyrion (XIV) * Surrounded by a circle of Velaryon spearmen, they fought back to back, they made battle as graceful as a dance. ** Tyrion (XIV) * The southern sky was aswirl with glowing, shifting colors, the reflection of the great fires that burned below. Baleful green tides moved against the bellies of the clouds, and pools of orange light spread across the heavens. The reds and yellows of common flame warred against the emeralds and jades of wildfire, each color flaring and then fading, birthing armies of short-lived shadows to die again an instant later. Green dawns gave way to orange dusks in half a heartbeat. The air itself smelt ''burnt'', the way a soup kettle sometimes smelled if it were left on the fire too long and all the soup boiled away. Embers drifted through the night air like swarms of fireflies. ** Sansa (VII) * Her whole life had been one long flight, it seemed. She had begun running in her mother's womb. ** Daenerys (V) * Strange times are bad for trade. ** Daenerys (V)–Xaro Xhoan Daxos * I am trying to set a price on one of the three living dragons in the world ... It seems to me that one-third of all the ships in the world would be fair. ** Daenerys (V)–Daenerys * Dany found her thoughts returning to the Palace of Dust, one more, as the tongue returns to a space left by a missing tooth. ** Daenerys (V) * I went to the warlocks hoping for answers, but instead they've left me with a hundred new questions. ** Daenerys (V)–Daenerys * The Dothraki distrusted the sea and all that moved upon it. Water that a horse could not drink was water they wanted no part of. ** Daenerys (V) * You should have learned by now, none of us get the things we want. ** Sansa (VIII)—Cersei, to Sansa * Sansa had not heard of Littlefinger doing anything particularly heroic during the battle, but it seemed he was to be rewarded all the same. ** Sansa (VIII) * Knights may keep their truces when dealing with other knights, but they are not so careful of their honor when dealing with those whom they deem outlaw. ** Theon (VI)–Black Loren * ''If I die, I die friendless and abandoned''. What choice did that leave him, but to live? ** Theon (VI)–Theon. * He should thank the gods that Ser Rodrik was not ironborn. The men of the green lands were made of softer stuff, though he was not certain they would prove soft enough. ** Theon (VI) * "Ser Rodrik had you five-to-one."<br>"Aye, but he thought us friends. A common mistake." ** Theon (VI)–Theon and Reek (actually Ramsay Snow). * The Bastard's backhand caught him square, and his cheekbone shattered with a sickening crunch beneath the lobstered steel. The world vanished in a red roar of pain. ** Theon (VI) * His wits were coming back to him, however slowly. That was good. His wits were all he had. ** Tyrion (XV) * As shy as a maid on her wedding night, and near as fair. Sometimes a man forgets how pretty a fire can be. ** Jon (VIII)–Qhorin Halfhand * When he slept, he did not dream, not of wolves, nor his brothers, nor anything. ''Even dreams cannot live up here'', he told himself. ** Jon (VIII)–Jon * "Our honor means no more than our lives, so long as the realm is safe. Are you a man of the Night's Watch?"<br>"Yes, but–"<br>"There is no ''but''. You are, or you are not." ** Jon (VIII)–Qhorin and Jon * If you want my bones, come get them. ** Jon (VIII)–Qhorin, to Rattleshirt * Hush, now, child, I'm much older than you. I can ... die as a I please." ** Bran (VII)–Maester Luwin, to Rickon Stark === ''[[w:A Storm of Swords|A Storm of Swords]]'' (2000) === [[File:Noche de luna llena - Full moon night.jpg|thumb|right|"You [[know]] [[nothing]], Jon Snow."]] * To pay for his one sweet moment, they took his whole life. ** Prologue * ''I wonder what the High Septon would say about the sanctity of oaths sworn while dead drunk, chained to a wall, with a sword pressed against your chest''? ** Jaime (I)–Jaime Lannister * "I'll leave no innocents to be food for crows."<br>"A heartless wench. Crows need to eat as well." ** Jaime (I)–Brienne and Jaime. * A singer once said all maids are fair in silk ... but he never met you, did he? ** Jaime (I)–Jaime * The best we can hope for is to die with swords in our hands. ** Jaime (I)–Jaime * <p>''It's better if he's scared of me'', she told herself. ''That way he'll do like I say, instead of something stupid.''</p><p>She should be more frightened herself, she knew. She was only ten, a skinny girl on a stolen horse with a dark forest ahead of her and men behind her who would gladly cut off her feet. Yet somehow she felt calmer here than she ever had at Herrenhal.</p> ** Arya (I) * That was the day without a dawn. Slowly the sky brightened around them, but they never saw the sun. Black turned to grey, and colors crept timidly back into the world. The soldier pines were dressed in somber greens, the broadleafs in russets and faded golds already beginning to brown. ** Arya (I) * My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit. ** Tyrion (I)–Tyrion * ''My hirelings betray me, my friends are scourged and shamed, and I lie here rotting'', Tyrion thought. ''I thought I won the bloody battle. Is this what triumph tastes like?'' ** Tyrion (I) * In the Red Keep a man did his best to hold his tongue. There were rats in the walls, and little birds who talked too much, and spiders. ** Tyrion (I) * Some battles are won with swords and spears, others with quills and ravens. ** Tyrion (I)–Tywin Lannister * A dead enemy is a joy forever. ** Tyrion (I)–Tyrion * Every lord has need of a beast from time to time. ** Tyrion (I)–Tywin * A good threat is often more telling than a blow. ** Tyrion (I)–Tyrion, quoting Tywin * Thirst, hunger, exposure. These were his companions, with him every hour of every day, and he had come to think of them as his friends. ** Davos (I) * Davos had always been a sailor; he was meant to die at sea. ** Davos (I) * ''How can a father outlive so many strong young sons''? ** Davos (I)–Davos * All he needed to do now was nothing. A few moments more, and he would be with his sons now, resting in the cool green mud of the bottom of the sea, with fish nibbling at his face. ** Davos (I) * His refuge was no more than a speck on the charts, in a place that honest sailors steered away from, not toward. ** Davos (I) *If there was one thing Sansa had learned here, it was mistrust. ** Sansa (I) *It made Sansa wince just to watch. ''They have scarcely finished burying the dead from that last battle, and already they are practicing for the next one''. ** Sansa (I) * He knew how to dress and he knew how to smile and he knew how to bathe, and somehow he got the notion that this made him fit to be king. ** Sansa (I)–Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns, recalling her late son-in-law Renly * Once the cow's been milked there's no squeezing the cream back up her udder. ** Sansa (I)—Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns * I'm much less boring than these others. I hope that you're fond of fools. ** Sansa (I)—Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns * It is easy to mount a lion and not so easy to get off ... Should you ever have a son, Sansa, beat him frequently so he learns to mind you ... All these kings would do a little bit better if they would put down their swords and listen to their mothers. ** Sansa (I)—Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns * I’ve never been quite sure what the ''point'' of a eunuch is, if truth be told. It seems to me they’re only men with the useful bits cut off. ** Sansa (I)—Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns * All men are fools, if truth be told, but the ones in motley are more amusing than the ones with crowns. ** Sansa (I)—Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns * Courtesy is a lady's armor. ** Sansa (I) * It's dangerous being free, but most come to like the taste o' it. ** Jon (I)—Ygritte * They had numbers, but the Night's Watch had discipline, and in battle discipline beats numbers nine times out of ten, his father had once said. ** Jon (I) * I only sing the songs that better men have made. ** Jon (I)—Mance Rayder * She loved the sea. She liked the sharp salty smell of the air, and the vastness of the horizons bounded only by a vault of azure sky above. It made her feel small, but free as well. ** Daenerys (I) * A wise man never makes an enemy of a king. ** Daenerys (I)–Danaerys * It seems to me that a queen who trusts no one is as foolish as a queen who trusts everyone. ** Daenerys (I)–Danaerys * '''One voice may speak you false, but in many there is always truth to be found.''' ** Daenerys (I) * In the world as I have seen it, no man grows rich by kindness. ** Daenerys (I)—Jorah Mormont * How can you be the prince of someplace you might never see again? ** Bran (I) * What good is it to be a skinchanger if you can't wear the skin you like? ** Bran (I) * How can I help you master a gift I do not understand? ** Bran (I)–Jojen Stark * A fat man always sits comfortably, I am thinking, for he takes his pillow wherever he goes. ** Davos (II)—Salladhor Saan * "The crossbow is a coward's weapon."<br>"It'll put a bolt in your heart all the same." ** Jaime (II)—Jaime Lannister and the tavern lad. * It was that white cloak that soiled me, not the other way around. ** Jaime (I))–Jaime Lannister * ''So easy'', he remembered thinking. '"A king should die harder than this." ** Jaime (II) * What we want is not always what we get. ** Tyrion (II) * The tip of his tongue ran across his lower lip like a shy pink animal. ** Tyrion (II) * "What of love?"<br>"When the sun has set, no candle can replace it." ** Tyrion (II)–Tyrion Lannister and Ser Loras Tyrell * <p>"Symon says there's to be seventy-seven courses and a hundred doves backed into a great pie," Shae gushed. "When the crust's opened they'll all burst out and fly.</p><p>"After which they will roost in the rafters and rain down birdshit on the guests." Tyrion had suffered such wedding pies before. The doves liked to shit on ''him'' especially, or so he had always suspected.</p> ** Tyrion (II)–Tyrion Lannister and Shae * There are worse things than dying with a song on your lips. ** Arya (II)–Tom Sevenstrings * Somehow the singing made the miles seem shorter. ** Arya (II) * If a song makes a maid want to take off her clothes and feel the good warm sun kiss her skin, why, is that the singer's fault? ** Arya (II)–Tom Sevenstrings. * When I don't fancy a man's eyes, I put an arrow through one. ** Arya (II)–Anguy * "They're ''our'' horses."<br>"Meaning you stole them yourselves, is that it? War makes thieves of many honest folk." ** Arya (II)—Arya and Tom O'Sevens * It had been raining for days now, a cold grey downpour that well suited Catelyn's mood. ** Catelyn (II) * ''How could you do this, Robb. How could you be so heedless, so stupid? How could you be so ... so ... very ... young?'' ** Catelyn (II) * I've made a botch of everything but the battles, haven't I? ** Catelyn (II)–Robb Stark * A hall is no place for a wolf. He gets restless, you've seen. Growling and snapping. I should have never taken him into battle with me. He's killed far too many men to fear them now. ** Catelyn (II)–Robb Stark * I am not going to banish him just because my wolf doesn't like the way he smells ** Catelyn (II)–Robb Stark * It is too late for ''if''s, and too late for rescues. All that matters now is vengeance. ** Catelyn (II)–Catelyn Stark * I know your kneeler's knees must be itching, for want of some king to bend to. ** Jon (II)–Mance Rayder * You know nothing, Jon Snow. ** Jon (II)—Ygritte (repeated often in the rest of the book) * If a man does not use [[penis|his member]] it grows smaller and smaller, until one day he wants to piss and cannot find it. ** Jon (II)–Tormund Giantsbane * Bowen knows a great deal more about counting swords than he's ever known about using them. ** Jon (II)–Mance Rayder * When the dead walk, walls and stakes and swords mean nothing. You cannot fight the dead, Jon Snow. ** Jon (II)–Mance Rayder * It was easy to lose your way beyond the Wall. Jon did not know that he could tell honor from shame anymore, or right from wrong. ** Jon (II) * It had been so long since she had enjoyed the company of other women, she had almost forgotten how pleasant it could be. ** Sansa (II) * ''They are children'', Sansa thought ... ''They've never seen a battle, they've never seen a man die, they know nothing.'' ** Sansa (II) * We'd been sent out by the King's Hand to deal with the outlaws, you see, but now we ''were'' the outlaws ... ** Arya (III)–Harwin * He'd been cold for so long he was forgetting what it was like to feel warm. ** Samwell (I) * Littlefinger's gold is made from thin air, with a snap of his fingers. ** Tyrion (III)–Tyrion Lannister * '''The greatest fools are ofttimes more clever than the men who laugh at them.''' ** Tyrion (III)—Tywin Lannister * ''Through stone walls and doors, through night and rain, he still knows the smell of death and ruin''. ** Catelyn (III) * '''The north remembers'''. ** Catelyn (III)-Robb Stark * They stood among the trees to see the end of the night's dark dance. ** Catelyn (III) * Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing. ** Catelyn (III)–Catelyn Stark * This was what he was meant for; he never felt so alive as when he was fighting, with death balanced on every stroke. ** Jaime (III) * Any act can be a prayer, if done as well as we are able. ** Arya (II)–Lady Smallwood * In times like these, it is better to be insignificant ** Arya (II)–Lady Smallwood * That was such a slippery word, ''may''. In any language. ** Daenerys (II) * A man who kills for coin has no honor, but at least they are no slaves. ** Danaerys (II)–Arstan Whitebeard * A man cannot sup from the beggar's bowl all his life and stay a man. ** Danaerys (II)–Danaerys Targaryen * There is a savage beast in every man, and when you hand that man a sword or spear and send him forth to war, that beast stirs. ** Danaerys (II))–Ser Jorah Mormont * Sometimes Old Nan would tell the same story she’d told before, but we never minded, if it was a good story. '''Old stories are like old friends, she used to say. You have to visit them from time to time.''' ** Bran (II)—Bran * "He likes the stories where the knights fight monsters."<br>"Sometimes the knights are the monsters, Bran." ** Bran (II)—Bran Stark and Meera Reed * Shadows only live when given birth by the light. ** Davos (III)–Melisandre * '''The night is dark and full of terrors, the day is bright and beautiful and full of hope.''' ** Davos (III)–Melisandre * Do you think I crossed half the world to put yet another vain king on yet another empty throne? ** Davos (III)–Melisandre * Is it treason to say the truth? A bitter truth, but no less true for that. ** Davos (III)—Alester Florent * ''We look up at the same stars, and see such different things.'' ** Jon (III) * There's naught to eat in the dark but flesh. ** Jon (III)–Ygritte * A true man steals a woman from afar, t'strengthen the clan. ** Jon (III)–Ygritte * ''If this is so wrong ... why did the gods make it feel so good?'' ** Jon (III) * To touch the light you must pass beneath the shadow. ** Danaerys (III)–Quaithe * You're prettier with your mouth closed. ** Sansa (III)–Cersei Lannister * The feast seemed to go on forever, yet Sansa tasted none of the food. She wanted it to be done, and yet she dreaded its end. ** Sansa (III) * Somehow the laughter made her hopeful again, if only for a little while. ** Sansa (III) * Courtesy is a lady's armor. ** Sansa (III)–Sansa * All she felt was pity, and pity was death to desire. ** Sansa (III) * A wall is only as strong as the men who defend it. ** Jon (IV)–Ned Stark, as remembered by Jon * ''How can the night be so beautiful?'' he asked himself. ''Why would the stars want to look down on the likes of me?'' ** Jaime (IV)–Jaime Lannister * ''I never dreamed how quick the sweet would turn to sour.'' ** Jaime (IV)–Jaime Lannister * "There will be pain."<br/>"I'll scream."<br/>"A great deal of pain."<br/>"I'll scream very loudly." ** Jaime (IV)—Qyburn and Jaime * Extravagance has its uses. ** Tyrion (IV)–Tywin Lannister * There is a tool for every task, and a task for every tool. ** Tyrion (IV)–Tywin Lannister * A knight's a sword with a horse. The rest, the vows and the sacred oils and the lady's favors, they're silk ribbons tied round the sword. Maybe the sword's prettier with ribbons hanging off it, but it will kill you just as dead. ** Arya (VI)–Sandor Clegane * The crown is crushing him ** Catelyn (IV) * I've won every battle, yet somehow I'm losing the war. ** Catelyn (IV)–Robb Stark * Wars need not be fought until the last drop of blood. ** Catelyn (IV)–Catelyn Stark * The singers make much of kings who die valiantly in battle, but your life is worth more than a song. ** Catelyn (IV)–Catelyn Stark * There is much confusion in any war. ** Catelyn (IV)–Lothar Frey * Men die in war, even men who are young and strong. ** Catelyn (IV)–Lothar Frey * Defeat is a disease, and victory is the cure. ** Davos (IV)—Axell Florent * These little wars are no more than a scuffle of children before what is to come. ** Davos (IV)–Melisandre * There is truth in the flames, but it is not always easy to see. ** Davos (IV)–Melisandre * The sun will not cease to shine if we miss a prayer or two. ** Arya (VII)—Thoros of Myr * He won the war on the battlefield and lost it in the bedchamber, poor fool. ** Jaime (V) * Life would be much simpler if men could fuck themselves, don't you agree? ** Tyrion (V)–Tyrion Lannister * You call us thieves, but at least a thief has to be brave and clever and quick. ** Jon (V)—Ygritte * I'd sooner be stolen by a strong man than be given t'some weakling by my father. ** Jon (V)—Ygritte * A man can own a woman or a man can own a knife, but no man can own both. ** Jon (V)—Ygritte * Men can't own the land no more'n they can own the sea or the sky. ** Jon (V)—Ygritte * All men must die, Jon Snow. But first we'll live. ** Jon (V)—Ygritte * I count no day as lived unless I have loved a woman, slain a foeman, and eaten a fine meal. ** Danaerys (IV)–Daario Naharis * That night the wind was howling almost like a wolf, and there were some real wolves off to the west giving it lessons. ** Arya (VIII) * The oak recalls the acorn, the acorn dreams the oak, the stump lives in them both. ** Arya (VIII)—The ghost of High Heart * “Her name is Brienne,” Jaime said. “Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You ''are'' still maiden, I hope?”<br>Her broad homely face turned red. “Yes.”<br>”Oh, good,” Jaime said. “I only rescue maidens.” ** Jaime (VI) * We're all just songs in the end. If we are lucky. ** Catelyn (V)–Catelyn Stark * If you keep all your treasures in one purse, you only make it easier for those who would rob you. ** Catelyn (V)–Robb Stark *"Some would say it's a poor king who crowns himself with bronze, Your Grace"<br>"Bronze and iron are stronger than gold and silver" ** Catelyn (VI)—Walder Frey and Robb Stark *"Maybe we can ''save'' her!"<br>"Maybe ''you'' can. I'm not done living yet." ** Arya (XI)–Arya Stark and Sandor Clegane. *He was tempted to ask what she prayed for, but Sansa was so dutiful she might actually tell him, and he didn't think he wanted to know. **Tyrion (VI) * When your enemies defy you, you must serve them steel and fire. When they go to their knees, however, you must help them back to their feet. Elsewise no man will ever bend the knee to you. '''And any man who must say "I am the king" is no king at all.''' ** Tyrion (VI)—Tywin Lannister * There's a long league's worth of difference between willful and stupid. ** Tyrion (VI)—Tywin Lannister * The old gods paid no more heed to prayer than the new ones, it would seem. Perhaps he should take comfort in that. ** Tyrion (VI) * Explain to me why it is more noble to kill ten thousand men in battle than a dozen at dinner. ** Tyrion (VI)—Tywin Lannister to Tyrion * An ant who hears the words of a king may not comprehend what he is saying ... If sometimes I have mistaken a warning for a prophecy, or a prophecy for a warning, the fault lies in the reader, not the book. ** Davos (V)–Melisandre * We do not choose our destinies. Yet we must ... we must do our duty, no? ** Davos (V)–Stannis Baratheon * Small men curse what they cannot understand. ** Davos (V)—Melisandre * A smuggler had best know men as well as tides, or he would not live to smuggle long. ** Davos (V) * [[Literacy|Any man can read]], my lord. There is no magic needed, nor high birth. ** Davos (V)–Maester Pylos * The best way to learn a thing was to do it, he had found; sails or scrolls, it made no matter. ** Davos (V) * Only a starving man begs bread from a beggar. ** Davos (V) * It does not matter how brave or brilliant a man is, if his commands cannot be heard. ** Jon (III)–Ned Stark, as recalled by Jon * The boar can keep his tusks and the bear his claws. [[Archery|There's nothing half so mortal as a grey goose feather]]. ** Jon (III)–Theon Greyjoy, as recalled by Jon. * A man is never so vulnerable in battle as when he flees. A running man is like a wounded animal to a soldier. It gets his bloodlust up. ** Jon (III)–Ned Stark, as recalled by Jon * A man who fears battle wins no victories ... ** Danaerys (V)–Arstan Whitehead * A valiant deed unsung is no less valiant. ** Tyrion (VII)–Ser Garlan * “'''Always keep your foes confused. If they are never certain who you are or what you want, they cannot know what you are like to do next. Sometimes the best way to baffle them is to make moves that have no purpose, or even seem to work against you.''' Remember that, Sansa, when you come to play the game.”<br>“What...what game?”<br>“The only game. The game of thrones.” ** Sansa (V)—Lord Littlefinger and Sansa Stark * A bag of dragons buys a man's silence for a while, but a well-placed quarrel buys it forever. ** Sansa (V)—Lord Littlefinger * I never asked for this crown. Gold is cold and heavy on the head ... ** Davos (VI)–Stannis Baratheon * "The Wall will stop them," Jon heard himself say. He turned and said it again louder. "The ''Wall'' will stop them. ''The Wall defends itself.''" Hollow words, but he needed to say them, almost as much as his brothers needed to hear them. ** Jon (VIII) * Is there anything so disgusting as frozen [[sweat]]? ** Jon (VIII)–Pyp * Arya was tired of making for Riverrun. She had been making for Riverrun for years, it seemed, without ever getting there. Every time she made for Riverrun, she ended up someplace worse. ** Arya (XII) * Is it treason to say a man is mortal? ** Tyrion (IX)–Ser Oberyn Martell * Men are seldom as they appear. You look so very guilty that I am convinced of your innocence. ** Tyrion (IX)–Ser Oberyn Martell * ''They feared the man I was; the man I am they'd pity''. ** Jaime (VIII) * ''I am speaking to myself, as I was, all cocksure arrogance and empty chivlary. This is what it does to you, to be too good too young.'' ** Jaime (VIII) * Well, you gave the singers something to make rhymes about, I suppose that's not to be despised. ** Jaime (VIII)–Jaime Lannister * Ser Meryn got a stubborn look on his face. “Are you telling us not to obey the king?”<br>“The king is eight. Our first duty is to ''protect'' him, which includes protecting him from himself. Use that ugly thing you keep inside your helm. If Tommen wants you to saddle his horse, obey him. If he tells you to kill his horse, come to me.” ** Jaime (VIII)—Meryn Trant and Jaime Lannister * The wind ran salty fingers through her hair. ** Sansa (VI) * The Fingers are a lovely place, if you happen to be a stone. ** Sansa (VI)—Lord Littlefinger * Nothing says home like the smell of a dung fire burning. ** Sansa (VI)—Lord Littlefinger * Nothing discourages unwanted questions as much as a flow of pious bleating. ** Sansa (VI)—Lord Littlefinger * In King's Landing, there are two sorts of people: The players and the pieces. ** Sansa (VI)—Lord Littlefinger * '''Everyone wants something, Alayne. And when you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him.''' ** Sansa (VI)—Lord Littlefinger * Which is more dangerous—the dagger brandished by an enemy, or the hidden one pressed into your back by the enemy you never see> ** Sansa (VI)—Lord Littlefinger * A harp can be as dangerous as a sword, in the right hands. ** Sansa (VI)—Lord Littlefinger * The gods sometimes let us glimpse the future as we lay dying. ** Sansa (VI)–Lady Lysa Arryn * Half a mile north, the wildling encampments were stirring, their campsites sending up smoky fingers to scratch against the pale dawn sky. * Jon (IX) * It was not a life he'd ever dreamed of, but it was a life. ** Tyrion (X * It was almost worth dying to know all the trouble he’d made. ** Tyrion (X) * "You're going to fight that?"<br>"I'm going to kill that." ** Tyrion (X)—Ellaria Sand and Oberyn Martell * ''We are puppets dancing on the strings of those who came before us, and one day our own children will take up our strings and dance on in our steads''. ** Tyrion (X) * “Have they told you who I am?”...<br>“Some dead man.” ** Tyrion (X)—Oberyn Martell and Gregor Clegane * She is brave as well. She had to be, to survive the life she's lived. ** Daenerys (VI) * Dany stared at herself in silence. ''Is this the face of a conqueror?'' So far as she could tell, she still looked like a little girl. ** Daenerys (VI) * Flies are the dead man's revenge. ** Danaerys (VI)–Daario Naharis * Harsh justice is still justice. ** Daenerys (VI) * The thing that surprised Dany most was how unsurprised she was. ** Daenerys (VI) * She was Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, ''khaleesi'' and queen, Mother of Dragons, slayer of warlocks, breaker of chains, and there was no one in the world that she could trust. ** Daenerys (VI) * If this was power, why did it taste like [[boredom|tedium]]? ** Jaime (IX) * The hottest fires burn out quickest. ** Jon (X)–Tormund Giantsbane * Sometimes the short road is not the safest ... Sorcery is a sword without a hilt. There is no safe way to grasp it. ** Jon (X)–Dalla * [[Stranger]]s are not so strange in a port as they are in little villages. ** Arya (XIII) * Begging for help never gets you any. ** Arya (XIII) * Could there be honor in a lie if it were told for a ... a good purpose? ** Samwell (IV)–Samwell Tarly * The living have no place at the feasts of the dead. ** Samwell (IV) * It's not the walls that make a lord, it's the man. ** Jon (XI)—Stannis Baratheon * Lord Seaworth is a man of humble birth, but he reminded me of my duty, when all I could think of was my rights. I had the cart before the horse, Davos said. I was trying to win the throne to save the kingdom, when I should have been trying to save the kingdom to win the throne. ** Jon (XI)—Stannis Baratheon * He wished he'd been able to think of some rousing [[last words]]. "Bugger it all" was not like to earn him much of a place in the histories. ** Tyrion (XI) * “Another name? Oh, certainly. And when the Faceless Men come to kill me, I’ll say, ‘No, you have the wrong man, I’m a ''different'' dwarf with a hideous facial scar.’”<br>Both Lannisters laughed at the absurdity of it all. ** Tyrion (XI)—Tyrion to Jaime * The faithful dog is kicked, and no matter how the spider weaves, he is never loved. ** Tyrion (XI)–Lord Varys * “Who better to command the black cloaks than a man who once commanded the gold cloaks, sire?”<br>“Any of you, I would think. Even the cook.” ** Samwell (V)—Bowen Marsh and Stannis Baratheon * What was given once can be given again. ** Samwell (V)–Stannis Baratheon * A toad grows wings and thinks he's a bloody dragon. ** Samwell (V)—Cotter Pyke * Outside [[snow|the flakes drifted down as soft and silent as memory]]. ** Sansa (VII) * Dawn stole into her garden like a thief. ** Sansa (VII) * Outlaws were better at hiding than honest men. ** Epilogue * The gods gave me no gift but birth, and they stinted me there. ** Epilogue === ''[[w: A Feast for Crows|A Feast for Crows]]'' (2005) === * Leave spells and prayers to priests and septons and bend your wits to learning truths a man can trust in. **Prologue–Archmaester Ryam, as remembered by Pate the Pigboy * "What's the ''use'' of a candle that casts no light?”<br>“It is a lesson,” Armen said, the last lesson we must learn before we don our maester’s chains. The glass candle is meant to represent truth and learning, rare and beautiful and fragile things. It is made in the shape of a candle to remind us that a maester must cast light wherever he serves, and it is sharp to remind us that knowledge can be dangerous. '''Wise men may grow arrogant in their wisdom, but a maester must always remain humble'''. The glass candle reminds us of that as well. Even after he has said his vow and donned his chain and gone forth to serve, a maester will think back on the darkness of his vigil and remember how nothing that he did could make the candle burn...'''for even with knowledge, some things are not possible'''." ** Prologue–Pate and Armen the Acolyte * The grey sheep have closed their eyes, but the mastiff sees the truth. Old powers waken. Shadows stir. An age of wonder and terror will soon be upon us, an age for gods and heroes. ** Prologue—Leo Tyrell * Every word was bought with pain, but that was the way of the world; a man must fight to live. ** The Prophet * We are born to suffer, that our sufferings might make us strong. ** The Prophet–Aeron Greyjoy * The truth is in our bones, for flesh decays and bone endures. ** The Prophet * Silence is a prince's friend. Words are like arrows ... once loosed, you cannot call them back. ** The Captain of the Guards—Prince Doran Martell, as recalled by the Captain. * Girl or boy, we fight our battles ... but the gods let us choose our weapons ** The Captain of the Guards—Ser Oberyn Martell, as recalled by Ellaria Sand * When the lion falls the lesser beasts move in. ** Cersei (I) * Elsewhere is a big place. ** Brienne (I) * No promise was as solemn as one sworn to the dead. ** Brienne (I) * Who would cloak themselves in shame? ** Brienne (I)–Ser Illifer * It was one thing to slay a lion; it was another to hack his paw off and leave him bewildered. ** Brienne (I) * Before he had lost his sight, the maester had loved books as much as Samwell Tarly did. He understood the way that you could sometimes fall right into them, as if each page was a hole into another world. ** Samwell (I) * A swordsman should be as good as his sword. ** Samwell (I)–Jon Snow to Sam * I can't command you to be brave, but I ''can'' command you to hide your fears. ** Samwell (I)–Jon Snow to Sa * The more you give a king the more he wants. We are walking on a bridge of ice with an abyss on either side. Pleasing one king is difficult enough. Pleasing two is hardly possible. ** Samwell (I)—Jon Snow to Sam * '''Knowledge is a weapon, Jon. Arm yourself well before you ride forth to battle.''' ** Samwell (I)—Maester Aemon to Jon Snow * Arya never seemed to find the places she set out to reach. ** Arya (I) * When the cold wind blows the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. ** Arya (I)–Ned Stark, as recalled by Arya. * You cannot eat love, nor buy a horse with it, nor warm your house on a cold night. ** Cersei (II)—Tywin Lannister, recalled by Cersei * Name the cow what you will, so long as the milk flows. ** Cersei (II)–Cersei * I wished to understand the nature of death, so I opened the bodies of the living. ** Cersei (II)–Qyburn * A man takes much for granted when he has two hands. ** Jaime (I) * On the morning after the battle, the crows had feasted on victors and vanquished alike, as once they had feasted on Rhaegar Targaryen after the Trident. '''How much can a crown be worth, when a crow can dine upon a king?''' ** Jaime (I) * Almost a prayer...but was it the god he was invoking, the Father Above whose towering gilded likeness glimmered in the candlelight across the sept? Or was he praying to the corpse that lay before him? ''Does it matter? They never listened, either one.'' ** Jaime (I) * Some lies are love. ** Sansa (I)—Petyr Baelish to Sansa Stark * A lie is not so bad if it is kindly meant. ** Sansa (I) * Men of honor will do things for their children that they would never consider doing for themselves. ** Sansa (I)—Petyr Baelish to Sansa Stark * I am tempted to say this is no game we play, daughter, but of course it is. The game of thrones. ** Sansa (I)—Petyr Baelish to Sansa Stark * I have never met a man I didn't provoke. ** The Kraken's Daughter (I)–Asha Greyjoy * Archmaester Rigney once wrote that '''history is a wheel, for the nature of man is fundamentally unchanging.''' What has happened before will perforce happen again. ** The Kraken's Daughter (I)—Lord Rodrik to Asha Greyjoy * No fight is hopeless till it has been fought. ** The Kraken's Daughter (I)–Asha Greyjoy * If there are rocks to starboard and storms to port, a wise captain steers a third course. ** The Kraken's Daughter (I)–Asha Greyjoy * '''I prefer my history dead. Dead history is writ in ink, the living sort in blood.''' ** The Kraken’s Daughter (I)—Lord Rodrik to Asha Greyjoy * When a dog goes bad, the fault lies with his master. ** Cersei (III)–Ser Kevan Lannister * A woman may weep, but not a queen. ** Cersei (III) * Abed, unclad, we are our truest selves, a man and a woman, lovers, one flesh, as close as two can be. Our clothes make us different people. I would sooner be flesh and blood than silks and jewels. ** The Soiled Knight–Princess Arianne Martell * There have always been men who found it easier to speak vows than to keep them. ** The Soiled Knight–Ser Arys Oakheart * Fear makes even strong men do things they might never do otherwise. ** The Soiled Knight–Princess Arianne Martell * '''Every man should lose a battle in his youth, so he does not lose a war when he is old.''' ** The Iron Captain (I)—Victarion Greyjoy * Only the sound of the waves pounding remained, a roar no man could still. ** The Drowned Man (I) * You’ll find truth in your looking glass, not on the tongues of men. ** Brienne (IV)—Septa Roelle to Brienne * All men lie when they are afraid. Some tell many lies, some but a few. Some have only one great lie they tell so often that they almost come to believe it. ** Arya (II)–The kindly man * A man does not need to be a wizard to know truth from falsehood, not if he has eyes. ** Arya (II)–The kindly man * A smile should be a servant, and come only when you call it. ** Arya (II)–The kindly man * '''In the game of thrones, even the humblest pieces can have wills of their own. Sometimes they refuse to make the moves you've planned for them. Mark that well, Alayne. It's a lesson that Cersei Lannister still has yet to learn.''' ** Alayne (I)—Petyr Baelish * Salt a slug and shame a hero, and they shrink right up. ** Cersei (V) [[File:De stadt Maastricht, door den prins van Parma (Alexander Farnese) met storm verovert, den 29 july des jaars 1579 (Jan Luyken, 1679).jpg|thumb|right|I never saw a king, nor earned a penny. It was a war though. That it was.]] * Even a man who has survived a hundred fights can break in his hundred and first. ** Brienne (V)–Septon Meribald * "The war of the Ninepenny Kings?” asked Hyle Hunt.<br>“So they called it, though I never saw a king, nor earned a penny. It was a war though. That it was." ** Brienne (V)—Hyle Hunt and Meribald * Some kisses are worth more than yellow gold ** Samwell (III)–Daeron * In the black of night a man asks all the questions he dares not ask by daylight. ** Samwell (III)–Maester Aemon * He blamed Jon Snow and wondered when Jon's heart had turned to stone. Once he asked Maester Aemon that very question, when Gilly was down at the canal fetching water for them. “When you raised him up to be the lord commander,” the old man answered. ** Samwell (III) * A swift sword stroke is a better defense than any shield ** Jaime (III)–Cersei Lannister * Sins can be forgiven. Crimes require punishment. ** Jaime (III)–Ser Bonifer Hasty * Once a man had turned his tail and run from battle he ceased to be a man. ** The Reaver * Wizards may be well and good, but blood and steel win wars. ** The Reaver–Victarion Greyjoy * What a man ''can'' do and what he ''will'' do are two different things. ** The Reaver * Glory is good, but gold is better. ** The Reaver–Nute the Barber * Only a craven would steal a fruit when he could take the orchard. ** The Reaver–Euron Greyjoy. * The waves may break upon the mountain, yet still they come, wave upon wave, and in the end only pebbles remain where once the mountain stood. And soon even the pebbles are swept away, to be ground beneath the sea for all eternity. ** The Reaver—Aeron Damphair to Victarion Greyjoy * The brave man slays with a sword, the craven with a wineskin. ** Jaime (IV)–Lancel Lannister * For a mute to take a vow of silence would be akin to a legless man giving up the dance. ** Brienne (VI)–Septon Meribald * The path of faith was a crooked one. ** Brienne (VI) * Nothing tarnishes a hero as much as failure. ** Cersei (VII) * You know the best thing about heroes, Jaime? They all die young and leave more women for the rest of us. ** Jaime (V)–Ser Daven Lannister * Why does a man with one pot of gold need another? Men are greedy. ** Jaime (V)–Genna Lannister Frey * In the darkness all of the gods were strangers. ** The Cat of the Canals * Death should hold no fear for a man as old as me, but it does. Isn't that silly? It is always dark where I am, so why should I fear the darkness? ** Samwell (IV)—Master Aegon *All you Westerosi make a shame of loving. There is no shame in loving. If your septons say there is, your seven gods must be demons. In the isles we know better. Our gods gave us legs to run with, noses to smell with, hands to touch and feel. What mad cruel god would give a man eyes and tell him he must forever keep them shut, and never look at allt he beauty in the world? Only a monster god, a demon of the darkness. **Samwell (IV)—Kojja Mo to Samwell Tarly * "Fuck" had been the first word of the Common Tongue that Xhondo had learned, and he was very fond of it. ** Samwell (IV) * If sinners speak, why should the righteous listen? ** Cersei (VII)-Septon Reynard * You will return to Lord Gyles and inform him that he does not have my leave to die. ** Cersei (VII)—Cersei to Maester Pycelle * ''On the gallows tree, all men are brothers.'' ** Brienne (VII) * What little peace and order the five kings left us will not long survive the three queens, I fear. ** Alayne (II)—Lord Littlefinger * Corpses make poor company by night. These were dark and dangerous men, alive. I doubt that death shall have improved them. ** Brienne (VIII)–Septon Meribald [[File:Malmedy Massacre.jpg|thumb|right|War makes monsters of us all.]] * Justice. I remember justice. It had a pleasant taste. Justice was what we were about when Beric led us, or so we told ourselves. We were king’s men, knights, and heroes... but some knights are dark and full of terrors, my lady. '''War makes monsters of us all.''' ** Brienne (VIII)—Thoros of Myr * It is being common-born that is dangerous, when the great lords play their game of thrones. ** Brienne (VIII)–Septon Meribald * That was what men wanted, wasn't it? Soft helpless women that they needed to protect. ** Brienne (VIII) * "You must be blind as well as maimed, Ser. Lift your eyes, and you will see the direwolf still flies above our walls." ** Jaime (VI)—Brynden Tully to Jaime Lannister * The best lies have some truth in 'em ... to give 'em flavor, as it were. ** Cersei (IX)–Ser Osney Kettleblack * Valor is a poor substitute for numbers. ** Prince Doran Martell—The Princess in the Tower * A little mistrust is a good thing in a princess. ** Prince Doran Martell—The Princess in the Tower * We princes make our careful plans and the gods smash them all awry. ** Prince Doran Martell—The Princess in the Tower * Alayne had told the lie so many times that she remembered it that way more oft than not. ** Alayne (II) * Men come and go. They die, lie, or they leave you. ** Alayne (II)—Lady Myranda Royce * When men must live like rats in the dark beneath the earth, they soon run out of pity, as they do of milk and honey. ** Brienne (VIII)–Thoros of Myr * There are those who say it does not matter how a man begins, but only how he ends. ** Brienne (VIII)–Thoros of Myr * The hardest part of any battle is just before, waiting for the carnage to begin. ** Cersei (X) * If you share your plans with no one, no one can betray you. ** Jaime (VII)—Lord Emmon Frey * I'd sooner face nine men than ten. The tenth might have been the one who would have killed me. ** Jaime (VII)–Jaime Lannister * The most perilous part of the voyage was the last. ** Samwell (V) * Gorghon of Old Ghis once wrote that a prophecy is like a treacherous woman. She takes your member in her mouth, and you moan with the pleasure of it and think, how sweet, how fine, how good this is...and then her teeth snap shut and your moans turn to screams. That is the nature of prophecy, said Gorghan. Prophecy will bite your prick off every time. ** Samwell (V)—Maester Marwyn === ''[[w:A Dance with Dragons|A Dance with Dragons]]'' (2011) === * Some skins you never want to wear, boy. You won't like what you'd become ... Men were not meant to leave the earth. Spend too much time in the clouds and you never want to come back down again. ** Prologue–Haggon * It did not seem fair to drown the cabin boy and the captain and all the rest for something he had done, but when had the gods ever been fair? ** Tyrion (I) * Better a mushroom than a sword through your neck, is it not so? Why die with the taste of blood in your mouth when it could be butter and garlic? ** Tyrion (I)–Illyrio Mopatis * The world is one great web, and a man dare not touch a single strand lest all the others tremble. ** Tyrion (I)—Illyrio Mopatis * What one king does, another may undo. ** Tyrion (I)—Illyrio Mopatis * “What could a eunuch hope to find in a brothel?”</br> “Even those who lack a man’s parts may still have a man’s heart, Your Grace,” said Grey Worm. “This one has been told that your servant Stalwart Shield sometimes gave coin to the women of the brothels to lie with him and hold him.” ** Danaerys (I) * Man wants to be king of the rabbits, he best wear a pair o' floppy ears. ** Danaerys (I)–Brown Ben Plumm * Never trust a cook, my lord. They'll prune you when you least expect it. ** Jon (I)–Dolorous Edd * Burning dead children had ceased to trouble Jon Snow; live ones were another matter. ** Jon (I) * Age makes ruins of us all. ** Tyrion (II)–Tyrion * Gold has its uses, but wars are won with iron. ** Tyrion (II)–Tywin Lannister to Tyrion * The more you give a king, the more he wants. ** Jon (II)–Jon Snow * The strength of the Wall was its height; the length of the Wall was its weakness. ** Jon (II) * No man is free. Only children and fools think elsewise. ** Tyrion (III)—Tywin Lannister to Tyrion * '''The fisherman drowned, but his daughter got Stark to the Sisters before the boat went down. They say he left her with a bag of silver and a bastard in her belly. Jon Snow, she named him, after Arryn.''' ** Davos (I)—Godric Borrell * Not to say that the wildlings mean us harm. Aye, we hacked their gods apart and made them burn the pieces, but we gave them onion soup. What’s a god compared to a nice bowl of onion soup? ** Jon (III)—Edd Tollett * Men love to complain about their wives and lords ... Those without wives complain twice as much about their lords. ** Jon (III)–Jon Snow, quoting Lord Mormont. * Making mock of another man's prayer is fool's work. ** Jon (III)–Jon Snow * '''No. Hear me, Daenerys Targaryen. The glass candles are burning. Soon comes the pale mare, and after her the others. Kraken and dark flame, lion and griffin, the sun's son and the mummer's dragon. Trust none of them. Remember the Undying. Beware the perfumed seneschal.''' ** Daenerys (II)—Quaithe * There is no valor in running for your life. ** Danaerys (II)–Ser Selmy Barristan * It was better to go hungry than to feast upon a friend. ** Bran (II) * A book can be as dangerous as a sword in the right hands. ** Tyrion (IV)–Haldon * Gods and wonders always appear, to attend the birth of kings. ** Tyrion (IV) * Tart fruit and tart women give life its savor. ** Danaerys (III)–Xaro Xhoan Daxos * If you would savor the sweet taste of the fruit, you must water the tree, ** Danaerys (III)–Xaro Xhoan Daxos * Ask yourself, if all men must grub in the dirt for food, how shall any man lift his eyes to contemplate the stars? If each of us must break his back to build a hovel, who shall raise the temples to glorify the gods? For some men to be great, others must be enslaved. ** Danaerys (III)–Xaro Xhoan Daxos * A horse has an honest smell. ** Danaerys (III)–Danaerys * The man who does nothing also takes a risk. ** Jon (IV)–Ser Richard Horpe * You can buy a man with gold, but only blood and steel will keep him true. ** Tyrion (V) * Kings and corpses always draw attendants. ** Davos (III) * Men do not give up their gods so easily. ** Jon (V) * A wall is only as good as the men defending it. ** Jon (V)–Jon Snow * "Give me priests who are fat and corrupt and cynical," he told Haldon, "the sort who like to sit on soft satin cushions, nibble sweetmeats, and diddle little boys. It's the ones who believe in gods who make the trouble." ** Tyrion (VI)—Tyrion * A man grows tired of having no lovers but his fingers. ** Tyrion (VI)–Tyrion * What good is peace if it must be purchased with the blood of little children? ** Danaerys (IV) * You are fighting shadows when you should be fighting the men who cast them. ** Danaerys (IV)–Daario Naharis * A warrior who cannot sleep soon has no strength to fight. ** Danaerys (IV)–Daario Naharis * A living man can find the sea more easily than a dead one. ** The Wayward Bride–Asha Greyjoy. * Stopping proved simple, rest came hard. ** The Wayward Bride * With whores, the young ones smell better, but the old ones know more tricks. ** Tyrion (VII)—Tyrion * Is an oxcart an oxcart without an ox? ** Tyrion (VII)—Tyrion * Three kings is two too many. ** Tyrion (VII)—Tyrion * The gods are blind. And men see only what they wish. ** Tyrion (VII)—Tyrion * The dead should not eat better than the living. ** Davos IV—Garth * ''Yes'' and ''no'' ... can go a long way once you find the right questions. ** Davos IV–Lord Robett Glover * Get the keys and remove those chains from him, before you make me rue the day I raped your mother. ** Reek (III)—Roose Bolton * I am running ''to'' and you are running ''from'', and there's a world of difference there. ** Tyrion (VIII)–Tyrion * They chanted in the tongue of Old Volantis, but Tyrion had heard the prayers enough to grasp the essence. ''Light our fire and protect us from the dark, blah blah, light our way and keep us toasty warm, the night is dark and full of terrors, save us from the scary things, and blah blah blah some more.'' ** Tyrion (VIII) * We live closer to the green in our bogs and crannogs, and we remember Earth and water, soil and stone, oaks and elms and willows, they were here before us all and will still remain when we are gone. ** Bran (III)—Jojen Reed * '''“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies,” said Jojen. “The man who never reads lives only one.”''' ** Bran (III) * A man must know how to look before he can hope to see. ** Bran (III)—Lord Brynden * The past remains the past. We can learn from it, but we cannot change it. ** Bran (III)—Lord Brynden * '''Men live their lives trapped in an eternal present, between the mists of memory and the sea of shadow that is all we know of the days to come.''' ** Bran (III)—Lord Brynden * “Men are men, vows are words, and words are wind. You should put guards around the women.”<br>“And who will guard the guards?” ** Jon (VII)—Iron Emmett and Jon Snow * Jon Snow had dreamed of leading men to glory just as King Daeron had, of growing up to be a conqueror. Now he was a man grown and the Wall was his, yet all he had were doubts. He could not even seem to conquer those. ** Jon (VII) * What kind of mother has no milk to feed her children? ** Danaerys (VI) * Weddings went more quickly in the north. It came of not having priests. ** The Prince of Winterfell * A gentle heart may be worth more than pride or valor. ** The Watcher–Prince Doran Martell * It is an easy thing for a prince to call the spears, but in the end it is the children who pay the price. ** The Watcher–Prince Doran Martell * Oberyn was ever the viper. Deadly, dangerous, unpredictable. No man dared tread on him. I was the grass. Pleasant, complaisant, sweet-smelling, swaying with every breeze. Who fears to walk upon the grass? But it is the grass that hides the viper from his enemies and shelters him until he strikes. ** The Watcher–Prince Doran Martell * Things can change quickly in the game of thrones. ** The Watcher–Prince Doran Martell * Fire is a fickle thing. No one knows which way a flame will go. ** Jon (VIII)–Val * "This is going to end badly."<br>"You say that of everything."<br>"Aye, m'lord. Usually I'm right." ** Jon (VIII)—Eddison Tollett and Jon Snow * It is hard to look a hero when mounted on a pig. ** Tyrion (IX)–Tyrion * "You have to be careful around big people. Be jolly and playful with them, keep them smiling, make them laugh, that's what my father always said. Didn't your father ever tell you how to act with big people?" <br> "My father called them smallfolk," said Tyrion, "and he was not what you'd call a jolly man." ** Tyrion (IX)—Penny and Tyrion * Prophecy is like a half-trained mule ... It looks as though it might be useful, but the moment you trust in it, it kicks you in the head. ** Tyrion (IX)—Tyrion * No man has ever died from bending his knee ... He who kneels may rise again, blade in hand. He who will not kneel stays dead. He who will not kneel stays dead, stiff legs and all. ** The King's Prize–Balon Greyjoy, as recalled by Asha * "Aye, men are dying. More will die before we see Winterfell. What of it? This is war. Men die in war. That is as it should be. As it has always been."<br>Ser Corliss Penny gave the clan chief an incredulous look. "Do you ''want'' to die, Wull?"<br>That seemed to amuse the northman. "I want to live forever in a land where summer lasts a thousand years. I want a castle in the clouds where I can look down over the world. I want to be six-and-twenty again. When I was six-and-twenty I could fight all day and fuck all night. What men want does not matter." ** The King's Prize (I)—Chief Hugo Wull and Ser Corliss Penny * Only a fool deserts the winning side. ** The King's Prize * A little brother may live to be a hundred, but he will always be a little brother. ** The King's Prize * Up in the hills we say that autumn kisses you, but winter fucks you. ** The King's Prize–Wull * The sun and moon and stars had been gone so long that Asha was starting to wonder ** The King's Prize * The sky turned from black to white and seemed no brighter. ** The King's Prize. * Some men say there is wisdom in wine. Such men are fools. ** The Blind Girl–The kindly-voiced man * "How long must I be blind?"<br>"Until darkness is as sweet to you as light" ** The Blind Girl–Arya and the waif * Most days, she spent more time with the dead than the living.' ** The Blind Girl * Past a certain point, all the dates grow hazy and confused, and the clarity of history becomes the fog of legend. ** Jaime (I)–Hoster Blackwood. * So long as men remember the wrongs done to their forebears, no peace will ever exist. ** Jaime (I)–Hoster Blackwood. * Silver's sweet and gold's our mother, but once you're dead they're worth less than that last shit you take as you're dying. ** Danaerys (VIII)–Brown Ben * Perhaps I cannot make my people good, but I should at least try to make them a little less bad. ** Danaerys (IX) * When the choice is debt or death, best to borrow. ** Jon (XI) * A fair bargain leaves both sides unhappy, I've heard it said. ** Jon (XI)—Jon Snow * You need not trust a man to use him. ** Jon (XI)—Jon Snow * Some had been heroes, some weaklings, knaves, or cravens. Most were only men—quicker and stronger than most, more skilled with sword and shield, but still prey to pride, ambition, lust, love, anger, jealousy, greed for gold, hunger for power, and all the other failings that afflicted lesser mortals. The best of them overcame their flaws, did their duty, and died with their swords in their hands. The worst...<br>''The worst were those who played the game of thrones.'' ** The Queensguard (I) * He did his duty. Some nights, Ser Barristan wondered if he had not done that duty too well. ** The Queensguard (I) [[File:Raffaello, concilio degli dei 02.jpg|thumb|right|If there are gods to listen, they are monstrous gods who torment us for their sport. Who else would make a world like this, so full of bondage, blood, and pain?]] * Parchments had been signed, but wars were not fought on parchments. ** Tyrion (XI) * When men are dying every hour, no one looks too hard at one more dead man. ** Tyrion (XI) * The most insidious thing about bondage was how easy it was to grow accustomed to it. ** Tyrion (XI) * At night Tyrion would oft hear her praying. ''A waste of words. If there are gods to listen, they are monstrous gods who torment us for their sport. Who else would make a world like this, so full of bondage, blood, and pain?'' ** Tyrion (XI) * “You are not wrong.” Jon said. “I do not know. And if the gods are good, I never will.”<br>“The gods are seldom good, Jon Snow.” ** Jon (XII)—Jon Snow and Tormund Giantsbane * No dragon chair can replace a dragon no matter how elaborately it's carved. ** The Discarded Knight (I) * ''She wants fire, and Dorne sent her mud.''<br>'''You could make a poultice out of mud to cool a fever. You could plant seeds in mud and grow a crop to feed your children. Mud would nourish you, where fire would only consume you, but fools and children and young girls would choose fire every time.''' ** The Discarded Knight (I) * The Drowned God did not answer. He seldom did. That was the trouble with gods. ** The Sacrifice (I) * Pain is the price of power. ** The Ugly Little Girl–Priest * The girl had hoped for fog, but the gods ignored her prayers as gods so often did. ** The Ugly Little Girl (I) * Women were always the cruelest where other women were concerned. ** Cersei (II) * When you bugger a man you expect a squeal or two. ** Tyrion (XII) * Blood games were poor training for protecting kings. ** The Kingbreaker (I) * You kill men for the wrongs they have done, not the wrongs that they may do someday. ** The Kingbreaker (I)—Ser Barristan Selmy to Skahaz Mo Kandaq * Men may be fond of maidens, but women like a man who knows what he's about in the bedchamber. ** The Dragontamer–Gerris Drinkwater. * The eunuch had looked death in the face, so near he might have kissed her on the lips. ** The Queen’s Hand (I) * “Men are mad and gods are madder,” she told the grass, and the grass murmured its agreement. ** Daenerys (X)—Daenerys *Sunset found her squatting in the grass, groaning. Every stool was looser than the one before, and smelled fouler. By the time the moon came up, she was shitting brown water. The more she drank the more she shat, but the more she shat, the thirstier she grew. ** Daenerys (X)—Daenerys * That is how it is when a man grows as old as Pycelle. Everything see or hear reminds you of something yo saw or heard when you were younger. ** Epilogue * The time to speak of the cold is not when we are standing in it. ** Epilogue–Grand Maester Pycelle == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.georgerrmartin.com George R. R. Martin's Official Website] * [http://gameofthronesfanart.com/post/63161575288/tyrion-lannister-quotes-a-game-of-thrones 12 Tyrion Lannister Quotes from A Game of Thrones book by George. R.R. Martin] {{DEFAULTSORT:Song of Ice and Fire, A}} [[Category:Fantasy books]] [[Category:American novels]] er5ej28kor707z2ywei56gyvvj0idpu 0 139875 3944346 3943766 2026-05-23T01:53:20Z P7W4M2S1 3327677 /* Cast */ Added full name to be consistent with the others 3944346 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Wreck-It Ralph Logo.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph|Wreck-It Ralph]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:Computer-animated film|computer-animated]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] about an arcade game villain (voiced by [[w:John C. Reilly|John C. Reilly]]) who rebels against his role and dreams of becoming a hero. He travels throughout cyberspace and ultimately must eliminate a dire threat that could affect it and one that Ralph may have inadvertently started. It was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on November 2, 2012. The sequel ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet|Wreck-It Ralph 2: Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' was released on November 21, 2018. :''Directed by [[w:Rich Moore|Rich Moore]]. Written by [[w:Phil Johnston (filmmaker)|Phil Johnston]] and [[w:Jennifer Lee (filmmaker)|Jennifer Lee]]. ==Wreck-It Ralph== [[File:Apartment building - Niš.jpg|thumb|Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it.]] *''[first words]'' My name's Ralph, and I'm a bad guy. Uh, let's see, I'm nine feet tall, I weigh 643 pounds, got a little bit of a temper on me. My passion bubbles very near the surface, I guess—not gonna lie. Anywho, what else? Uh, I'm a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I'm very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. The thing is, fixing is the name of the game. Literally. ''Fix-It Felix Jr.'' So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He's nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, he would not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, "Ha!". And no, there aren't. 30 years, I've been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go. Kinda sad. Think about those guys at ''[[w:Asteroids (video game)|Asteroids]]''? Boom, gone. ''[[w:Centipede (video game)|Centipede]]''? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it. *''[repeated line]'' I'M GONNA WRECK IT! *I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be&ndash; than me. *''[last words]'' The best part of my day, is when the Nicelanders throw me off the roof. Because when they lift me up, I get a perfect view of ''Sugar Rush'', and I can watch Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, and the players love her, glitches and all, just like I knew they would. That's when I realize: I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that kid likes me, how bad can I be? ==Dialogue== :'''Saitine''': Well, happy anniversary, Ralph. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Thanks, Satan. :'''Saitine''': Uh, it's Saitine, actually. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Got it. But here's the thing. ''[sighs deeply]'' I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore. :''[the Bad-Anon members gasp; [[w:Bowser (character)|Bowser]] breathes fire balls; [[w:Ghosts (Pac-Man)|Clyde]] turns blue]'' :'''Kano''': You can't mess with the program, Ralph. :'''M. Bison''': You're not going Turbo, are you? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Turbo?! No, I'm not going Turbo! Come on, guys! Is it "Turbo" to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once in a while? Is it "Turbo" to want more out of life? :'''Zombie''': Yes. :'''Clyde''': Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. And the sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be. :'''Zangief''': Hey, one game at a time, Ralph. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ralph and Gene are arguing during Felix's 30th anniversary]'' :'''Felix''': How about we just eat the cake? :'''Gene''': Hang on. Felix needs to be on the roof because he's about to get his medal! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Well, then, how about we just take that medal and give it to Ralph for once? Would that be the end of the world, Gene? :'''Gene''': Now you're just being ridiculous. Only good guys win medals, and you, sir, are no good guy. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I could be a good guy if I wanted to and I could win a medal! :'''Gene''': Uh-huh. And when you do, come and talk to us. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''And then would you finally let me be on top of the cake with you guys?!'' :'''Gene''': If you won a medal, we'd let you live up here in the penthouse! But it will never happen, because '''you're just ''the bad guy'' who wrecks the building'''! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, I'm not. :'''Gene''': Yes, you are! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, '''''I'M NOT!!!!''' [Ralph angrily smashes the cake and everyone gasps]'' :'''Gene''': Yes, you are. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Alright, Gene. You know what? I'm gonna win a medal. Oh, I am gonna win a medal! The shiniest medal this place has ever seen! A medal that will be so good that it will make Felix's medals...WET THEIR PANTS!! And good night! Thank you for the party. ''[Ralph exits]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ralph''': ''[looking into the lost and found crate]'' Okay, let's see what we got here. ''[a [[w:WALL-E|cockroach]] lands on his hand]'' Shoo! Shoo! Go on, get out of here. ''[flicks it off, finds a Super Mushroom]'' Mushroom? No. ''[puts it back, finds a [[w:Metal Gear Solid (1998 video game)|Metal Gear Solid]] exclamation point]'' What is this? No. ''[he tosses it, and finds Zangief's underwear]'' Oh, come on, Zangief. Gross. ''[he drops it back in]'' What am I doing? :''[a heavily armored space marine, Markowski, bumps past Ralph]'' :'''Ralph''': Hey, excuse you! :''[Markowski staggers on and right into the wall again and again, in a walk cycle.]'' :'''Markowski''': ''[mumbling, shell-shocked]'' We are humanity's last hope. Our mission? Destroy all Cy-Bugs. We are humanity's last hope. :'''Ralph''': ''[stands and looks at him, curious]'' Uh... You okay there, space cadet? :''[Markowski whips around quickly and grabs Ralph by the collar.]'' :'''Markowski''': ''[traumatized]'' We've only been plugged in a week, and every day it's "Climb the building, then fight bugs. Climb the building, fight more bugs!" :'''Ralph''': Yeah, yeah. Right. Look. Easy on the overalls, spaceman. It's tough all over, all right? :'''Markowski''': And all for what, a lousy medal? :'''Ralph''': ''[realizes]'' Medal? You win a medal? :'''Markowski''': Yeah, Medal of Heroes. :'''Ralph''': Ooh. Is it shiny? :'''Markowski''': Eh... Pretty shiny. :'''Ralph''': Ooh! And it says "hero" on it? :'''Markowski''': Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. :'''Ralph''': And you say you win it by climbing a building? :'''Markowski''': AND FIGHTING BUGS! :'''Ralph''': Right, bugs. Listen, is there any chance I could go with you to your game and, you know, maybe get one of those medals? :'''Markowski''': Negatory! :'''Ralph''': Does that mean "maybe"? :'''Markowski''': NO! Look, only the bravest and the best serve in our corps. ''[sees a cockroach who climbs on Ralph's shoulder] '''''BUG!!!''''' [emits a high-pitched scream and runs straight into the wall, knocking himself out]'' :''[Ralph sees the helmet rolling to him in front, then smiles as he flicks the cockroach off his shoulder] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moppet Girl is trying to play Fix-It Felix Jr., but something is wrong with it.]'' :'''Moppet Girl''': Mr. Litwak! :'''Litwak''': What's the trouble, sweetheart? :'''Moppet Girl''': The game's busted. :''[Litwak takes a look at the game. He sees the Nicelanders running around and panicking on screen while Felix tries calming them down.]'' :'''Litwak''': Oh, boy. Looks like the game's gone cuckoo, like my nana. Sorry, sweetie. Here's your quarter back. :'''Moppet Girl''': But what about the game? :'''Litwak''': I'll have someone look at it tomorrow, but if he can't fix it, it might be time to put old Ralph and Felix out to pasture. Like my nana. :'''Gene''': Ladies and gentlemen, we're out of order. :'''Mary''': Sweet mercy! Without Ralph, we're doomed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ralph has just scared away the Sugar Rush racers who were tearing apart Vanellope's pedal kart; she gets up off the ground, sniffling]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': What are ''you'' looking at? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''You're welcome'', you rotten little thief. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I'm not a thief. I just borrowed your stupid coin. I was gonna give it back to you as soon as I won the race! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': It's not a coin! It's a medal! :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Coin, medal, whatever! Just go back to your own dumb game and win another one. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I can't. I didn't win it in my game. I won it in ''Hero's Duty''. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Hero's Duty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Leave me alone. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Look, you want that medal, right? And I wanna race. So, here's what I'm thinkin': You help me get a new kart—a ''real'' kart—and I'll win the race and get you back your medal! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': You want ''me'' to help ''you''? :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': All you gotta do is break something for me. C'mon, what do you say, friend? ''[extends her hand]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': We are ''not'' friends. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Aw, c'mon, pal! You son-of-a-gun! C'mon, buddy! Shake on it! C'mon, chumbo! Ralph, my man! M' main man! ''[seriously]'' Hey. My arm's getting tired. Do we have a deal or not? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[groans; defeatedly]'' You better win. ''[shakes Vanellope's hand]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Candy''': ''[arrives in his car]'' Hello! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''YOU!!''' :'''King Candy''': ''[desperately trying to placate Wreck-It-Ralph]'' Now, now, I come alone, unarmed. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[angry and hurling a jawbreaker at King Candy]'' [[w:Robots (2005 film)|I've had ENOUGH of you, ''pillowpants!'']] :'''King Candy''': ''[dodging the jawbreaker and begging for mercy]'' ''Please'', calm down, ''please'', just.. look.. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[lividly]'' '''I'M GONNA BEAT THE ''FILLING'' OUTTA YOU!!!''' :'''King Candy''': AHHH!! ''[immediately dons a pair of glasses]'' You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? ''[Ralph yanks the glasses off and breaks them over Candy's head]'' AHHH! You hit a guy ''with'' glasses. That's... that's... well-played. ''[Wreck-It Ralph GRABS King Candy by his lapels]'' AAAHHH!! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[threateningly]'' What do you want, Candy?! :'''King Candy''': Listen...I..I...just want to talk to you. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I'm not interested in ''anything'' you have to say. :'''King Candy''': Well, how about this...are you interested... ''[produces Hero's Duty medal]'' in ''this?'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[surprised]'' My ''medal?!''...How did you...? :'''King Candy''': It doesn't matter. It's ''yours!'' Go ahead, take it. ''[Wreck-It-Ralph takes the medal]'' All I ask is that you hear me out. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[becoming skeptical]'' About what? :''King Candy''': Ralph, do you know what the hardest part about being a king is? Doing what's right, no matter what. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Get to the point. :'''King Candy''': Point being, I need your help. Sad as it is, Vanellope...''cannot'' be allowed to race. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[outraged]'' ''WHY'' ARE YOU PEOPLE SO ''AGAINST'' HER?!?! :'''King Candy''': I'm ''not'' against her!! I'm just trying to ''protect'' her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I'm back! Did you miss me? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Yeah. Uh... Hey, can we talk for a second? :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Wait. First, kneel down. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': What? No, we really... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Will you just do it? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Okay. :''[He kneels down]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Now, close your eyes. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Vanellope... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Shush! Close them! ''[He shuts them. She ties something around his neck]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Okay. Open them up. :''[He looks down and sees a small, handmade candy heart on a string, on which is hand-painted the words: "To Stinkbrain."]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': "To Stinkbrain." Gee, thanks. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Turn it over. :''[He does. On the back is painted the words: "You're my Hero."]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I made it for you. Just in case we don't win. Not that I think there's even a remote chance we're not going to win. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Thanks, kid. Listen... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Now rise, my royal chump. I've got a date with destiny. ''[Ralph doesn't move]'' Ralph, come on. Move your molasses. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Um... I've been thinking. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': That's dangerous. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Who cares about this stupid race anyway? Right? :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': ''[laughs]'' That's not funny, Ralph. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, I'm serious, and it was really fun to build the car and everything. But maybe you shouldn't do it. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Hello? Is Ralph in there? I'd like to speak to him, please. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Look, what I'm saying is you can't be a racer. :''[That gets her attention]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': What? Why would you... ''[Her eyes go down to his chest and she sees something]'' Wait a minute. ''[She pulls the Medal of Heroes out of Ralph's pocket]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No! ''(Stop!)'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Where did you get this? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Look, I'm going to be straight with you, kid. I've been talking to King Candy. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': King Candy?! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Yeah. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': You sold me out? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, I didn't... Listen, you don't understand! :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': No, I understand plenty, traitor!? ''[She throws the medal at him, which hits him in the face and falls to the ground. She jumps back in the kart]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I'm not a traitor. Listen-- :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': You're a <span style="color:red">'''RAT!!!!'''</span style="color:red"> <span style="color:green">And I don't need you, and I can win the race on my own.</span style="color:green"> :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': But I'm trying to save your skin, kid! ''[Ralph grabs and picks her up out of the kart. She glitches furiously]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Put me down! Let me ''go, (right now!?)'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No! You listen to me! ''[He sets her down. She immediately makes a dash for the kart. Ralph blocks her way. She struggles to get around him]'' Do you know what's gonna happen when the players see you glitchin', they're gonna think the game's broken. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I don't care! You're a liar! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, you better care, because if your game goes out of order... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I'm not listening to you! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ...you goes down with the shipped, little sister! :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': GET OUTTA MY WAY!! I'm going to that race! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, you're not! ''[He grabs her hood]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Aah! ''[grunts, Ralph hangs Vanellope by her hood on the edge of a lollipop tree]'' Take me down from here, Ralph, '''''RIGHT…''''' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''''NO!!!!!!''''' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': '''''…NOW!!!''''' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''''[[The Lion King 1½|I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!?]]''''' ''[He goes over to the kart and clenches his fists. She struggles to get free, but can't]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Wait, wait, wait. No. No. No, no, no, no! Please, Ralph! ''[But he doesn't stop and smashes his fists onto the kart; screams in shock]'' '''''NOOOOO!! RALPH, STOP IT! STOP IT! NOOOOO!!''''' ''[Ralph destroys the kart. She breaks down sobbing, then she glitches and lands on her knees on the ground. Ralph turns to her, heartbroken]'' You really are a bad guy. ''[She runs away crying into the mountain entrance. Ralph hangs his head. He sighs, then walks over and picks up his medal and leaves Sugar Rush.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ralph arrives home late at Fix-It Felix Jr. is out of order after destroying the kart and breaks Vanellope's heart. He enters the penthouse, which is empty.]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Hello? Anybody home? Felix? Mary? :'''Gene''': ''[as he's pouring his martini at the bar]'' Well. You actually went and did it. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Gene. Where is everybody? :'''Gene''': They're gone. After Felix went to find you, and then didn't come back, everyone panicked and abandoned ship. ''[places an olive on a toothpick into his martini]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': But... But I'm here now. :'''Gene''': It's too late, Ralph. Litwak's pulling our plug in the morning. ''[Starts drinking his martini. Ralph heads to the balcony and opens the door. He gasps at the paper saying "OUT OF ORDER" hung over the game console.]'' :'''Gene''': But, never let it be said I’m not a man of my word. The place is yours, Ralph. Enjoy. ''[tosses the key to Ralph, grabs the suitcase and heads for the door]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Gene, wait. ''[Gene stops walking]'' Listen, this is not what I wanted! :'''Gene''': ''[turns to Ralph]'' Well, what ''did'' you want, Ralph? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I don't know, I just... I was just tired of living alone in the garbage. :'''Gene''': Well, ''now'' you can live alone ''in the penthouse.'' ''[leaves; Ralph drops the key to the penthouse and heads for the balcony. He sees the "OUT OF ORDER" paper, then he pulls the Hero's Duty medal he had around his neck. He tearfully throws it at the screen which hears a distant smack. The paper moves a little bit, but Ralph sees what was revealed from the view; Vanellope von Schweetz on the side of the game console. His sadness turns to surprise when he catches sight of this and then suddenly, realizing he's been played, gets an idea.]'' :''[Sour Bill is cleaning up the broken Candy Kart remains while he hums. Just then, Ralph returns to Sugar Rush and walks up to him.]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[to Sour Bill]'' Hey, Cough Drop!! :'''Sour Bill''': ''[stops humming and looks at Ralph]'' Huh? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Explain something to me: If Vanellope was never meant to exist, then why is her picture on the side of the game console? :'''Sour Bill''': Uh... ''[frantically tries to running away, but Ralph grabs him]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[threateningly]'' What's going on in this candy-coated heart of darkness? :'''Sour Bill''': Nothin'. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': TALK!!! :'''Sour Bill''': No! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''I'll lick you!''' :'''Sour Bill''': You wouldn't! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Oh, yeah?! ''[licks Sour Bill]'' :'''Sour Bill''': Ugh! It's like sandpaper! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Mmm, ''(You look like a small jawbreaker,)'' I wonder how many licks it'll take to get to your center. :'''Sour Bill''': I'll take it to my grave! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Fair enough. ''[tosses Sour Bill into his mouth]'' Oh, they call you "Sour Bill" for a reason! ''[Sour Bill let's out a muffled screamed; Ralph takes him out]'' Had enough yet? :'''Sour Bill''': Okay, I'll talk, I'll talk! Vanellope ''was'' a racer until King Candy tried to delete her code! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': "Tried to delete her code"?! So that's why she's a glitch!! Why is he doing this to her?! :'''Sour Bill''': I don't know! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Suit yourself. ''[starts to put Sour Bill back in his mouth]'' :'''Sour Bill''': No, no, no, no, no, no!!! I swear, I don't know! He literally locked up our memories and I cannot remember! ''Nobody'' can!! But I do know this: he'll do anything to keep her from racing. Because if she crosses the finish line, the game will reset, and she won't be a glitch anymore! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Where is she now?! :'''Sour Bill''': In the Fungeon with Fix-It Felix. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''FELIX?!''' :'''Sour Bill''': I'm sorry! That's all I know, that's all I know, I swear! Now please, don't put me back in your filthy mouth again! (sobs as Ralph sticks him to a lollipop tree) :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Stick around. :'''Sour Bill''': Yes, okay. I will, I will. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Hello?! Hello?! Somebody, anybody. Please, let me out! ''[shakes the bar, loosening it]'' Oh. What's he say, what's he say? ''[pulls out his golden hammer, in Ralph's voice]'' ''"I'm gonna wreck it!"'' ''[pounds it on the bar, but it makes them thicker and stronger]'' Oh. Why do I fix everything I '''touch?!''' ''[sits down, sobbing]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': BAM!!! ''[bursts through the wall of Felix's jail cell]'' Felix! :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Ralph! ''[jumps up; hugs Ralph]'' I'm so glad to see you! ''[lets him go]'' Wait. No, I'm not! What do you have to say for yourself? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I— :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Wait! I don't want to hear it. I'm '''''NOT''''' talking to you. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Okay. Don't talk. That's fine. ''[dumps out a can full of the broken Candy Kart]'' But you have to fix this go-kart for me, pronto. :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': I don't have to do boo! Forgive my potty mouth. I'm just so, so cross with you! Do you have any idea what you've put me through?! I ran higgledy-piggledy all over creation looking for you. I almost drowned in chocolate milk mix! And then, I met the most dynamite gal. Oh. She gives me the honey glow something awful. But she rebuffed my affections. And then, '''''I GOT THROWN IN JAIL!!''''' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Felix, pull yourself together. :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': '''''NO'''''! Ralph, you don't know what it's like to be rejected and treated like a criminal! ''[turns away]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Yes, I do. That's every day of my life. :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': It is? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Which is why I ran off and tried to be a good guy, but I'm not! I'm just a bad guy, and I need your help. There's a little girl whose only hope is this kart. Please, Felix, fix it! And I promise, I will never try to be good again. ''[Felix smiles and pulls out his golden hammer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Felix''': Is that...? :''[Vanellope's glitching causes King Candy to start glitching himself, which in turn reveals King Candy's true form: Turbo]'' :'''Ralph''': ''(shocked)'' No way! :'''Vanellope''': What the-?! Who are you?! :'''Turbo''': I'm Turbo, the greatest racer ever! AND I DID ''NOT'' REPROGRAM THIS WORLD TO LET YOU AND THAT HALITOSIS RIDDLED WARTHOG '''''TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!''''' Turbo-tastic! ''[laughs evilly]'' End of the line, glitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vanellope''': It's okay, Ralph. :'''Calhoun''': Alright, Fix-It. That's everyone, now we gotta blow up this exit. :'''Vanellope''': Just go. Go without me. :'''Felix''': But what about this game? :'''Calhoun''': Nothing we can do about it. Without a beacon, there's no way to stop these monsters. :'''Ralph''': ''(realizes and looks toward Diet Cola Mountain)'' Beacon. Stay with Felix! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Turbo''': ''(laughs maniacally as he reveals himself to be merged with a Cy-bug)'' Because of you, Ralph, I'm now the most powerful virus in the arcade! I can take over any game I want. I should thank you, but it'd be more fun to kill you. ''[[Turbo charges at him, but Ralph rolls past him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Turbo''': Oh, look at that, it's your little friend! ''[he grabs Ralph and pulls his head back to force him to watch]'' Let’s watch her die together, shall we? :'''Ralph''': No! ''[Ralph looks down at Vanellope, then looks to his goal, the volcano now far enough below him to slam down all the Mentos]'' :'''Turbo''': It's game over for both of you. :'''Ralph''': ''(determined)'' No. Just for me! ''[he breaks free from Turbo's grasp and free falls; he extends his fist downward to the Mentos, but he is unable to keep steady, knowing the cola will kill him.]'' :'''Ralph''': ''(reciting the Bad-Anon affirmation)'' I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. ''[Vanellope's medal slips out of his shirt. He grabs onto it and hugs it to his chest]'' There's no one I'd rather be than me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Everyone in Sugar Rush gasps in surprise that they now remember again]'' :'''Sour Bill''': Now I remember. ''[walks up beside Vanellope]'' All hail the rightful ruler of Sugar Rush: Princess Vanellope. ''[The racers gasp; Swizzle Malarkey kneels down]'' :'''Taffyta Muttonfudge''': I remember. She's our princess. :'''Candlehead''': Oh, that's right! :'''Taffyta''': We are so sorry about the way we treated you. :'''Rancis Fluggerbutter''': Yeah, those were... jokes! :'''Candlehead''': ''[whining]'' I was just doing what Taffyta told me to do! :'''Vanellope''': Tut tut. As your merciful princess, I hereby decree that everyone who was ever mean to me shall be... ''[the other racers look on with hopeful anticipation]'' ...executed. :'''The Racers''': WHAT?!? ''[They all start to burst into tears]'' :'''Taffyta Muttonfudge''': No, no, no, please! Please! :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Oh my land! :'''Calhoun''': Oh, this place just got interesting. :''[The racers, with the exception of Swizzle, drop down to their knees while crying]'' :'''Candlehead''': NO! ''[drops down to her knees and sobs louder]'' :'''Taffyta''': ''[drops down to her knees sobbing, tearfully pleading for forgiveness]'' I don't wanna die! :'''Vanellope''': I'm just kidding! :'''Taffyta''': You are? :'''Vanellope''': Stop crying, Taffyta. :'''Taffyta''': ''[hyperventilates as her mascara starts running]'' I'm trying, but it won't stop. ''[sobs softly for a second and stops crying]'' ==[[w:Wreck-It Ralph#Soundtrack|Soundtrack]]== *He was minding his own business on the day they came<br>They showed a piece of paper saying "eminent domain"<br>They built an apartment building saying progress was to blame<br>So he got mad<br>And he turned bad<br>Brick by brick he's gonna take his land back **"Wreck-It, Wreck-It Ralph" by [[w:Buckner & Garcia|Buckner & Garcia]] ==Cast== * [[John C. Reilly]] as Wreck-It Ralph * [[Sarah Silverman]] as Vanellope von Schweetz * [[w:Jack McBrayer|Jack McBrayer]] as Fix-It Felix Jr. * [[w:Jane Lynch|Jane Lynch]] as Sergeant Tamora Jean Calhoun * [[w:Alan Tudyk|Alan Tudyk]] as King Candy/Turbo * [[w:Mindy Kaling|Mindy Kaling]] as Taffyta Muttonfudge * [[w:Joe Lo Truglio|Joe lo Truglio]] as Markowski * [[w:Ed O'Neill|Ed O'Neill]] as Mr. Litwak * [[w:Dennis Haysbert|Dennis Haybert]] as General Hologram * [[w:Rich Moore|Rich Moore]] as Sour Bill * [[w:Phil Johnston (filmmaker)|Phil Johnston]] as the Surge Protector ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{Official website|http://movies.disney.com/wreck-it-ralph}} *{{imdb title|id=1772341|title=Wreck-It Ralph}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2012 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2012 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:Films directed by Rich Moore]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films about simulated reality]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Films about artificial intelligence]] [[Category:Films about computing]] [[Category:Films about video games]] hp02krv7rw5sm96wpqkimd72smf5o46 3944347 3944346 2026-05-23T01:55:29Z P7W4M2S1 3327677 /* */ Fixed slightly misleading info 3944347 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Wreck-It Ralph Logo.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Wreck-It Ralph|Wreck-It Ralph]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:Computer-animated film|computer-animated]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] about an arcade game villain (voiced by [[w:John C. Reilly|John C. Reilly]]) who rebels against his poor treatment for his role and dreams of receiving the respect of a hero. He travels throughout the arcade and ultimately must eliminate a dire threat that could affect all of the arcade's residents, and one that Ralph may have inadvertently started. It was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] on November 2, 2012. The sequel ''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet|Wreck-It Ralph 2: Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' was released on November 21, 2018. :''Directed by [[w:Rich Moore|Rich Moore]]. Written by [[w:Phil Johnston (filmmaker)|Phil Johnston]] and [[w:Jennifer Lee (filmmaker)|Jennifer Lee]]. ==Wreck-It Ralph== [[File:Apartment building - Niš.jpg|thumb|Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it.]] *''[first words]'' My name's Ralph, and I'm a bad guy. Uh, let's see, I'm nine feet tall, I weigh 643 pounds, got a little bit of a temper on me. My passion bubbles very near the surface, I guess—not gonna lie. Anywho, what else? Uh, I'm a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I'm very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. The thing is, fixing is the name of the game. Literally. ''Fix-It Felix Jr.'' So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He's nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, he would not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, "Ha!". And no, there aren't. 30 years, I've been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go. Kinda sad. Think about those guys at ''[[w:Asteroids (video game)|Asteroids]]''? Boom, gone. ''[[w:Centipede (video game)|Centipede]]''? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it. *''[repeated line]'' I'M GONNA WRECK IT! *I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be&ndash; than me. *''[last words]'' The best part of my day, is when the Nicelanders throw me off the roof. Because when they lift me up, I get a perfect view of ''Sugar Rush'', and I can watch Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, and the players love her, glitches and all, just like I knew they would. That's when I realize: I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that kid likes me, how bad can I be? ==Dialogue== :'''Saitine''': Well, happy anniversary, Ralph. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Thanks, Satan. :'''Saitine''': Uh, it's Saitine, actually. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Got it. But here's the thing. ''[sighs deeply]'' I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore. :''[the Bad-Anon members gasp; [[w:Bowser (character)|Bowser]] breathes fire balls; [[w:Ghosts (Pac-Man)|Clyde]] turns blue]'' :'''Kano''': You can't mess with the program, Ralph. :'''M. Bison''': You're not going Turbo, are you? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Turbo?! No, I'm not going Turbo! Come on, guys! Is it "Turbo" to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once in a while? Is it "Turbo" to want more out of life? :'''Zombie''': Yes. :'''Clyde''': Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. And the sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be. :'''Zangief''': Hey, one game at a time, Ralph. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ralph and Gene are arguing during Felix's 30th anniversary]'' :'''Felix''': How about we just eat the cake? :'''Gene''': Hang on. Felix needs to be on the roof because he's about to get his medal! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Well, then, how about we just take that medal and give it to Ralph for once? Would that be the end of the world, Gene? :'''Gene''': Now you're just being ridiculous. Only good guys win medals, and you, sir, are no good guy. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I could be a good guy if I wanted to and I could win a medal! :'''Gene''': Uh-huh. And when you do, come and talk to us. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''And then would you finally let me be on top of the cake with you guys?!'' :'''Gene''': If you won a medal, we'd let you live up here in the penthouse! But it will never happen, because '''you're just ''the bad guy'' who wrecks the building'''! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, I'm not. :'''Gene''': Yes, you are! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, '''''I'M NOT!!!!''' [Ralph angrily smashes the cake and everyone gasps]'' :'''Gene''': Yes, you are. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Alright, Gene. You know what? I'm gonna win a medal. Oh, I am gonna win a medal! The shiniest medal this place has ever seen! A medal that will be so good that it will make Felix's medals...WET THEIR PANTS!! And good night! Thank you for the party. ''[Ralph exits]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ralph''': ''[looking into the lost and found crate]'' Okay, let's see what we got here. ''[a [[w:WALL-E|cockroach]] lands on his hand]'' Shoo! Shoo! Go on, get out of here. ''[flicks it off, finds a Super Mushroom]'' Mushroom? No. ''[puts it back, finds a [[w:Metal Gear Solid (1998 video game)|Metal Gear Solid]] exclamation point]'' What is this? No. ''[he tosses it, and finds Zangief's underwear]'' Oh, come on, Zangief. Gross. ''[he drops it back in]'' What am I doing? :''[a heavily armored space marine, Markowski, bumps past Ralph]'' :'''Ralph''': Hey, excuse you! :''[Markowski staggers on and right into the wall again and again, in a walk cycle.]'' :'''Markowski''': ''[mumbling, shell-shocked]'' We are humanity's last hope. Our mission? Destroy all Cy-Bugs. We are humanity's last hope. :'''Ralph''': ''[stands and looks at him, curious]'' Uh... You okay there, space cadet? :''[Markowski whips around quickly and grabs Ralph by the collar.]'' :'''Markowski''': ''[traumatized]'' We've only been plugged in a week, and every day it's "Climb the building, then fight bugs. Climb the building, fight more bugs!" :'''Ralph''': Yeah, yeah. Right. Look. Easy on the overalls, spaceman. It's tough all over, all right? :'''Markowski''': And all for what, a lousy medal? :'''Ralph''': ''[realizes]'' Medal? You win a medal? :'''Markowski''': Yeah, Medal of Heroes. :'''Ralph''': Ooh. Is it shiny? :'''Markowski''': Eh... Pretty shiny. :'''Ralph''': Ooh! And it says "hero" on it? :'''Markowski''': Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. :'''Ralph''': And you say you win it by climbing a building? :'''Markowski''': AND FIGHTING BUGS! :'''Ralph''': Right, bugs. Listen, is there any chance I could go with you to your game and, you know, maybe get one of those medals? :'''Markowski''': Negatory! :'''Ralph''': Does that mean "maybe"? :'''Markowski''': NO! Look, only the bravest and the best serve in our corps. ''[sees a cockroach who climbs on Ralph's shoulder] '''''BUG!!!''''' [emits a high-pitched scream and runs straight into the wall, knocking himself out]'' :''[Ralph sees the helmet rolling to him in front, then smiles as he flicks the cockroach off his shoulder] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moppet Girl is trying to play Fix-It Felix Jr., but something is wrong with it.]'' :'''Moppet Girl''': Mr. Litwak! :'''Litwak''': What's the trouble, sweetheart? :'''Moppet Girl''': The game's busted. :''[Litwak takes a look at the game. He sees the Nicelanders running around and panicking on screen while Felix tries calming them down.]'' :'''Litwak''': Oh, boy. Looks like the game's gone cuckoo, like my nana. Sorry, sweetie. Here's your quarter back. :'''Moppet Girl''': But what about the game? :'''Litwak''': I'll have someone look at it tomorrow, but if he can't fix it, it might be time to put old Ralph and Felix out to pasture. Like my nana. :'''Gene''': Ladies and gentlemen, we're out of order. :'''Mary''': Sweet mercy! Without Ralph, we're doomed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ralph has just scared away the Sugar Rush racers who were tearing apart Vanellope's pedal kart; she gets up off the ground, sniffling]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': What are ''you'' looking at? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''You're welcome'', you rotten little thief. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I'm not a thief. I just borrowed your stupid coin. I was gonna give it back to you as soon as I won the race! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': It's not a coin! It's a medal! :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Coin, medal, whatever! Just go back to your own dumb game and win another one. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I can't. I didn't win it in my game. I won it in ''Hero's Duty''. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Hero's Duty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Leave me alone. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Look, you want that medal, right? And I wanna race. So, here's what I'm thinkin': You help me get a new kart—a ''real'' kart—and I'll win the race and get you back your medal! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': You want ''me'' to help ''you''? :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': All you gotta do is break something for me. C'mon, what do you say, friend? ''[extends her hand]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': We are ''not'' friends. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Aw, c'mon, pal! You son-of-a-gun! C'mon, buddy! Shake on it! C'mon, chumbo! Ralph, my man! M' main man! ''[seriously]'' Hey. My arm's getting tired. Do we have a deal or not? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[groans; defeatedly]'' You better win. ''[shakes Vanellope's hand]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Candy''': ''[arrives in his car]'' Hello! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''YOU!!''' :'''King Candy''': ''[desperately trying to placate Wreck-It-Ralph]'' Now, now, I come alone, unarmed. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[angry and hurling a jawbreaker at King Candy]'' [[w:Robots (2005 film)|I've had ENOUGH of you, ''pillowpants!'']] :'''King Candy''': ''[dodging the jawbreaker and begging for mercy]'' ''Please'', calm down, ''please'', just.. look.. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[lividly]'' '''I'M GONNA BEAT THE ''FILLING'' OUTTA YOU!!!''' :'''King Candy''': AHHH!! ''[immediately dons a pair of glasses]'' You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? ''[Ralph yanks the glasses off and breaks them over Candy's head]'' AHHH! You hit a guy ''with'' glasses. That's... that's... well-played. ''[Wreck-It Ralph GRABS King Candy by his lapels]'' AAAHHH!! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[threateningly]'' What do you want, Candy?! :'''King Candy''': Listen...I..I...just want to talk to you. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I'm not interested in ''anything'' you have to say. :'''King Candy''': Well, how about this...are you interested... ''[produces Hero's Duty medal]'' in ''this?'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[surprised]'' My ''medal?!''...How did you...? :'''King Candy''': It doesn't matter. It's ''yours!'' Go ahead, take it. ''[Wreck-It-Ralph takes the medal]'' All I ask is that you hear me out. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[becoming skeptical]'' About what? :''King Candy''': Ralph, do you know what the hardest part about being a king is? Doing what's right, no matter what. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Get to the point. :'''King Candy''': Point being, I need your help. Sad as it is, Vanellope...''cannot'' be allowed to race. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[outraged]'' ''WHY'' ARE YOU PEOPLE SO ''AGAINST'' HER?!?! :'''King Candy''': I'm ''not'' against her!! I'm just trying to ''protect'' her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I'm back! Did you miss me? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Yeah. Uh... Hey, can we talk for a second? :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Wait. First, kneel down. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': What? No, we really... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Will you just do it? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Okay. :''[He kneels down]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Now, close your eyes. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Vanellope... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Shush! Close them! ''[He shuts them. She ties something around his neck]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Okay. Open them up. :''[He looks down and sees a small, handmade candy heart on a string, on which is hand-painted the words: "To Stinkbrain."]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': "To Stinkbrain." Gee, thanks. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Turn it over. :''[He does. On the back is painted the words: "You're my Hero."]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I made it for you. Just in case we don't win. Not that I think there's even a remote chance we're not going to win. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Thanks, kid. Listen... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Now rise, my royal chump. I've got a date with destiny. ''[Ralph doesn't move]'' Ralph, come on. Move your molasses. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Um... I've been thinking. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': That's dangerous. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Who cares about this stupid race anyway? Right? :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': ''[laughs]'' That's not funny, Ralph. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, I'm serious, and it was really fun to build the car and everything. But maybe you shouldn't do it. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Hello? Is Ralph in there? I'd like to speak to him, please. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Look, what I'm saying is you can't be a racer. :''[That gets her attention]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': What? Why would you... ''[Her eyes go down to his chest and she sees something]'' Wait a minute. ''[She pulls the Medal of Heroes out of Ralph's pocket]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No! ''(Stop!)'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Where did you get this? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Look, I'm going to be straight with you, kid. I've been talking to King Candy. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': King Candy?! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Yeah. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': You sold me out? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, I didn't... Listen, you don't understand! :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': No, I understand plenty, traitor!? ''[She throws the medal at him, which hits him in the face and falls to the ground. She jumps back in the kart]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I'm not a traitor. Listen-- :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': You're a <span style="color:red">'''RAT!!!!'''</span style="color:red"> <span style="color:green">And I don't need you, and I can win the race on my own.</span style="color:green"> :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': But I'm trying to save your skin, kid! ''[Ralph grabs and picks her up out of the kart. She glitches furiously]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Put me down! Let me ''go, (right now!?)'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No! You listen to me! ''[He sets her down. She immediately makes a dash for the kart. Ralph blocks her way. She struggles to get around him]'' Do you know what's gonna happen when the players see you glitchin', they're gonna think the game's broken. :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I don't care! You're a liar! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, you better care, because if your game goes out of order... :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': I'm not listening to you! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ...you goes down with the shipped, little sister! :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': GET OUTTA MY WAY!! I'm going to that race! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': No, you're not! ''[He grabs her hood]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Aah! ''[grunts, Ralph hangs Vanellope by her hood on the edge of a lollipop tree]'' Take me down from here, Ralph, '''''RIGHT…''''' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''''NO!!!!!!''''' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': '''''…NOW!!!''''' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''''[[The Lion King 1½|I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!?]]''''' ''[He goes over to the kart and clenches his fists. She struggles to get free, but can't]'' :'''Vanellope von Schweetz''': Wait, wait, wait. No. No. No, no, no, no! Please, Ralph! ''[But he doesn't stop and smashes his fists onto the kart; screams in shock]'' '''''NOOOOO!! RALPH, STOP IT! STOP IT! NOOOOO!!''''' ''[Ralph destroys the kart. She breaks down sobbing, then she glitches and lands on her knees on the ground. Ralph turns to her, heartbroken]'' You really are a bad guy. ''[She runs away crying into the mountain entrance. Ralph hangs his head. He sighs, then walks over and picks up his medal and leaves Sugar Rush.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ralph arrives home late at Fix-It Felix Jr. is out of order after destroying the kart and breaks Vanellope's heart. He enters the penthouse, which is empty.]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Hello? Anybody home? Felix? Mary? :'''Gene''': ''[as he's pouring his martini at the bar]'' Well. You actually went and did it. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Gene. Where is everybody? :'''Gene''': They're gone. After Felix went to find you, and then didn't come back, everyone panicked and abandoned ship. ''[places an olive on a toothpick into his martini]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': But... But I'm here now. :'''Gene''': It's too late, Ralph. Litwak's pulling our plug in the morning. ''[Starts drinking his martini. Ralph heads to the balcony and opens the door. He gasps at the paper saying "OUT OF ORDER" hung over the game console.]'' :'''Gene''': But, never let it be said I’m not a man of my word. The place is yours, Ralph. Enjoy. ''[tosses the key to Ralph, grabs the suitcase and heads for the door]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Gene, wait. ''[Gene stops walking]'' Listen, this is not what I wanted! :'''Gene''': ''[turns to Ralph]'' Well, what ''did'' you want, Ralph? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I don't know, I just... I was just tired of living alone in the garbage. :'''Gene''': Well, ''now'' you can live alone ''in the penthouse.'' ''[leaves; Ralph drops the key to the penthouse and heads for the balcony. He sees the "OUT OF ORDER" paper, then he pulls the Hero's Duty medal he had around his neck. He tearfully throws it at the screen which hears a distant smack. The paper moves a little bit, but Ralph sees what was revealed from the view; Vanellope von Schweetz on the side of the game console. His sadness turns to surprise when he catches sight of this and then suddenly, realizing he's been played, gets an idea.]'' :''[Sour Bill is cleaning up the broken Candy Kart remains while he hums. Just then, Ralph returns to Sugar Rush and walks up to him.]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[to Sour Bill]'' Hey, Cough Drop!! :'''Sour Bill''': ''[stops humming and looks at Ralph]'' Huh? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Explain something to me: If Vanellope was never meant to exist, then why is her picture on the side of the game console? :'''Sour Bill''': Uh... ''[frantically tries to running away, but Ralph grabs him]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': ''[threateningly]'' What's going on in this candy-coated heart of darkness? :'''Sour Bill''': Nothin'. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': TALK!!! :'''Sour Bill''': No! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''I'll lick you!''' :'''Sour Bill''': You wouldn't! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Oh, yeah?! ''[licks Sour Bill]'' :'''Sour Bill''': Ugh! It's like sandpaper! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Mmm, ''(You look like a small jawbreaker,)'' I wonder how many licks it'll take to get to your center. :'''Sour Bill''': I'll take it to my grave! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Fair enough. ''[tosses Sour Bill into his mouth]'' Oh, they call you "Sour Bill" for a reason! ''[Sour Bill let's out a muffled screamed; Ralph takes him out]'' Had enough yet? :'''Sour Bill''': Okay, I'll talk, I'll talk! Vanellope ''was'' a racer until King Candy tried to delete her code! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': "Tried to delete her code"?! So that's why she's a glitch!! Why is he doing this to her?! :'''Sour Bill''': I don't know! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Suit yourself. ''[starts to put Sour Bill back in his mouth]'' :'''Sour Bill''': No, no, no, no, no, no!!! I swear, I don't know! He literally locked up our memories and I cannot remember! ''Nobody'' can!! But I do know this: he'll do anything to keep her from racing. Because if she crosses the finish line, the game will reset, and she won't be a glitch anymore! :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Where is she now?! :'''Sour Bill''': In the Fungeon with Fix-It Felix. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': '''FELIX?!''' :'''Sour Bill''': I'm sorry! That's all I know, that's all I know, I swear! Now please, don't put me back in your filthy mouth again! (sobs as Ralph sticks him to a lollipop tree) :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Stick around. :'''Sour Bill''': Yes, okay. I will, I will. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Hello?! Hello?! Somebody, anybody. Please, let me out! ''[shakes the bar, loosening it]'' Oh. What's he say, what's he say? ''[pulls out his golden hammer, in Ralph's voice]'' ''"I'm gonna wreck it!"'' ''[pounds it on the bar, but it makes them thicker and stronger]'' Oh. Why do I fix everything I '''touch?!''' ''[sits down, sobbing]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': BAM!!! ''[bursts through the wall of Felix's jail cell]'' Felix! :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Ralph! ''[jumps up; hugs Ralph]'' I'm so glad to see you! ''[lets him go]'' Wait. No, I'm not! What do you have to say for yourself? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': I— :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Wait! I don't want to hear it. I'm '''''NOT''''' talking to you. :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Okay. Don't talk. That's fine. ''[dumps out a can full of the broken Candy Kart]'' But you have to fix this go-kart for me, pronto. :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': I don't have to do boo! Forgive my potty mouth. I'm just so, so cross with you! Do you have any idea what you've put me through?! I ran higgledy-piggledy all over creation looking for you. I almost drowned in chocolate milk mix! And then, I met the most dynamite gal. Oh. She gives me the honey glow something awful. But she rebuffed my affections. And then, '''''I GOT THROWN IN JAIL!!''''' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Felix, pull yourself together. :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': '''''NO'''''! Ralph, you don't know what it's like to be rejected and treated like a criminal! ''[turns away]'' :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Yes, I do. That's every day of my life. :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': It is? :'''Wreck-It Ralph''': Which is why I ran off and tried to be a good guy, but I'm not! I'm just a bad guy, and I need your help. There's a little girl whose only hope is this kart. Please, Felix, fix it! And I promise, I will never try to be good again. ''[Felix smiles and pulls out his golden hammer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Felix''': Is that...? :''[Vanellope's glitching causes King Candy to start glitching himself, which in turn reveals King Candy's true form: Turbo]'' :'''Ralph''': ''(shocked)'' No way! :'''Vanellope''': What the-?! Who are you?! :'''Turbo''': I'm Turbo, the greatest racer ever! AND I DID ''NOT'' REPROGRAM THIS WORLD TO LET YOU AND THAT HALITOSIS RIDDLED WARTHOG '''''TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!''''' Turbo-tastic! ''[laughs evilly]'' End of the line, glitch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vanellope''': It's okay, Ralph. :'''Calhoun''': Alright, Fix-It. That's everyone, now we gotta blow up this exit. :'''Vanellope''': Just go. Go without me. :'''Felix''': But what about this game? :'''Calhoun''': Nothing we can do about it. Without a beacon, there's no way to stop these monsters. :'''Ralph''': ''(realizes and looks toward Diet Cola Mountain)'' Beacon. Stay with Felix! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Turbo''': ''(laughs maniacally as he reveals himself to be merged with a Cy-bug)'' Because of you, Ralph, I'm now the most powerful virus in the arcade! I can take over any game I want. I should thank you, but it'd be more fun to kill you. ''[[Turbo charges at him, but Ralph rolls past him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Turbo''': Oh, look at that, it's your little friend! ''[he grabs Ralph and pulls his head back to force him to watch]'' Let’s watch her die together, shall we? :'''Ralph''': No! ''[Ralph looks down at Vanellope, then looks to his goal, the volcano now far enough below him to slam down all the Mentos]'' :'''Turbo''': It's game over for both of you. :'''Ralph''': ''(determined)'' No. Just for me! ''[he breaks free from Turbo's grasp and free falls; he extends his fist downward to the Mentos, but he is unable to keep steady, knowing the cola will kill him.]'' :'''Ralph''': ''(reciting the Bad-Anon affirmation)'' I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. ''[Vanellope's medal slips out of his shirt. He grabs onto it and hugs it to his chest]'' There's no one I'd rather be than me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Everyone in Sugar Rush gasps in surprise that they now remember again]'' :'''Sour Bill''': Now I remember. ''[walks up beside Vanellope]'' All hail the rightful ruler of Sugar Rush: Princess Vanellope. ''[The racers gasp; Swizzle Malarkey kneels down]'' :'''Taffyta Muttonfudge''': I remember. She's our princess. :'''Candlehead''': Oh, that's right! :'''Taffyta''': We are so sorry about the way we treated you. :'''Rancis Fluggerbutter''': Yeah, those were... jokes! :'''Candlehead''': ''[whining]'' I was just doing what Taffyta told me to do! :'''Vanellope''': Tut tut. As your merciful princess, I hereby decree that everyone who was ever mean to me shall be... ''[the other racers look on with hopeful anticipation]'' ...executed. :'''The Racers''': WHAT?!? ''[They all start to burst into tears]'' :'''Taffyta Muttonfudge''': No, no, no, please! Please! :'''Fix-It Felix Jr.''': Oh my land! :'''Calhoun''': Oh, this place just got interesting. :''[The racers, with the exception of Swizzle, drop down to their knees while crying]'' :'''Candlehead''': NO! ''[drops down to her knees and sobs louder]'' :'''Taffyta''': ''[drops down to her knees sobbing, tearfully pleading for forgiveness]'' I don't wanna die! :'''Vanellope''': I'm just kidding! :'''Taffyta''': You are? :'''Vanellope''': Stop crying, Taffyta. :'''Taffyta''': ''[hyperventilates as her mascara starts running]'' I'm trying, but it won't stop. ''[sobs softly for a second and stops crying]'' ==[[w:Wreck-It Ralph#Soundtrack|Soundtrack]]== *He was minding his own business on the day they came<br>They showed a piece of paper saying "eminent domain"<br>They built an apartment building saying progress was to blame<br>So he got mad<br>And he turned bad<br>Brick by brick he's gonna take his land back **"Wreck-It, Wreck-It Ralph" by [[w:Buckner & Garcia|Buckner & Garcia]] ==Cast== * [[John C. Reilly]] as Wreck-It Ralph * [[Sarah Silverman]] as Vanellope von Schweetz * [[w:Jack McBrayer|Jack McBrayer]] as Fix-It Felix Jr. * [[w:Jane Lynch|Jane Lynch]] as Sergeant Tamora Jean Calhoun * [[w:Alan Tudyk|Alan Tudyk]] as King Candy/Turbo * [[w:Mindy Kaling|Mindy Kaling]] as Taffyta Muttonfudge * [[w:Joe Lo Truglio|Joe lo Truglio]] as Markowski * [[w:Ed O'Neill|Ed O'Neill]] as Mr. Litwak * [[w:Dennis Haysbert|Dennis Haybert]] as General Hologram * [[w:Rich Moore|Rich Moore]] as Sour Bill * [[w:Phil Johnston (filmmaker)|Phil Johnston]] as the Surge Protector ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{Official website|http://movies.disney.com/wreck-it-ralph}} *{{imdb title|id=1772341|title=Wreck-It Ralph}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2012 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2012 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:Films directed by Rich Moore]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films about simulated reality]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Films about artificial intelligence]] [[Category:Films about computing]] [[Category:Films about video games]] kv2fefqwa5b37v1b8djhr1t1zruqvva 0 141941 3944342 3551305 2026-05-23T01:46:39Z DanielTom 608538 3944342 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Bertrand Russell photo.jpg|thumb|The essence of the [[Liberal]] outlook lies not in what [[opinions]] are held, but in how they are held: instead of being held dogmatically, they are held tentatively, and with a consciousness that new evidence may at any moment lead to their abandonment.]] '''''Unpopular Essays''''' (1950) is a book by [[Bertrand Russell]]. It constitutes a collection of his more controversial essays. == Quotes == [[File:Le Penseur by Rodin (Kunsthalle Bielefeld) 2014-04-10.JPG|thumb|Dogmatism and [[skepticism]] are both, in a sense, [[Absolutism|absolute]] philosophies; one is certain of [[Knowledge|knowing]], the other of not knowing. What [[philosophy]] should dissipate is [[certainty]], whether of knowledge or [[ignorance]].]] ==== Chapter 1: ''Philosophy and Politics'' ==== * '''[[Change]] is one thing, [[progress]] is another. "Change" is scientific, "progress" is [[Ethics|ethical]]; change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy.''' ** p. i * A fanatical belief in democracy makes democratic institutions impossible. ** p. 15 * '''The essence of the [[Liberal]] outlook lies not in ''what'' opinions are held, but in ''how'' they are held: instead of being held dogmatically, they are held tentatively, and with a consciousness that new evidence may at any moment lead to their abandonment.''' ** p. 15 * After ages during which the earth produced harmless trilobites and butterflies, [[evolution]] progressed to the point at which it generated [[Nero]]s, [[Genghis Khan]]s, and [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]s. '''This, however, is a passing nightmare; in time the [[earth]] will become again incapable of supporting [[life]], and [[peace]] will return.''' ** Sardonic comments on human inclinations, p. 19<!--comment needs to be checked--> ==== Chapter 2: ''Philosophy for Laymen'' ==== * '''[[Science]] is what we know, and [[philosophy]] is what we don't know.''' ** p. 24 * The demand for certainty is one which is natural to man, but is nevertheless an intellectual vice. So long as men are not trained to withhold judgment in the absence of evidence, they will be led astray by cocksure prophets, and it is likely that their leaders will be either ignorant fanatics or dishonest charlatans. '''To endure uncertainty is difficult, but so are most of the other virtues.''' ** p. 27 * '''Dogmatism and [[skepticism]] are both, in a sense, absolute philosophies; one is certain of knowing, the other of not knowing. What philosophy should dissipate is certainty, whether of [[knowledge]] or [[ignorance]].''' ** p. 27 * '''But so long as men are not trained to withhold judgment in the absence of evidence, they will be led astray by cocksure prophets, and it is likely that their leaders will be either ignorant fanatics or dishonest charlatans.''' ** p. 27 ==== Chapter 3: ''The Future of Mankind'' ==== * '''Extreme hopes are born of extreme misery''', and in such a world hopes could only be irrational. ** Sometimes misquoted as "Extreme hopes are born from extreme misery." ** p. 36 ==== Chapter 4: ''Philosophy's Ulterior Motives'' ==== * '''In a man whose reasoning powers are good, fallacious arguments are evidence of bias.''' ** p. 47 * The [[Appearance|apparent]] [[world]] goes through developments which are the same as those the [[logician]] goes through if he starts from Pure Being and travels on to the Absolute Idea... Why the world should go through this logical evolution is not clear; one is tempted to suppose that the Absolute Idea did not quite understand itself at first, and made mistakes when it tried to embody itself in events. But this, of course, was not what [[Hegel]] would have said. ** p. 54 * Admiration of the proletariat, like that of dams, power stations, and aeroplanes, is part of the [[ideology]] of the machine age. ** p. 63 <!--==== Chapter 5: ''The Superior Virtue of the Oppressed'' ====--> ==== Chapter 6: ''On Being Modern-Minded'' ==== * [[Pragmatists]] explained that [[Truth]] is what it pays to [[believe]]. Historians of morals reduced the Good to a matter of tribal custom. [[Beauty]] was abolished by artists in a revolt against the sugary insipidities of a philistine epoch and in a mood of fury in which satisfaction is to be derived only from what hurts. And so the world was swept clear not only of [[God]] as a person but of God's essence as an ideal to which man owed an ideal allegiance. ** p. 69 * '''All movements go too far'''... ** p. 69 * [...] the habits of centuries have made many things seem dependent upon theological belief which in fact are not so. '''Men lived with one kind of illusion, and when they lost it they fell into another.''' But it is not by old error that new error can be combated. ** p. 69 ==== Chapter 7: ''An Outline of Intellectual Rubbish'' ==== [[File:Da Vinci Vitruve Luc Viatour.jpg|thumb|Man is a rational animal — so at least I have been told.]] [[File:Bible.malmesbury.arp.jpg|thumb|As soon as we abandon our own [[reason]], and are content to rely upon [[authority]], there is no end to our troubles.]] [[File:Tree of knowledge.svg |thumb|[[Fear]] is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of [[cruelty]]. To conquer fear is the beginning of [[wisdom]].]] * '''Man is a rational animal — so at least I have been told.''' Throughout a long life, I have looked diligently for evidence in favor of this statement, but so far I have not had the good fortune to come across it, though I have searched in many countries spread over three continents. ** p. 71 * I am sometimes shocked by the blasphemies of those who think themselves pious – for instance, the nuns who never take a bath without wearing a bathrobe all the time. When asked why, since no man can see them, they reply: 'Oh, but you forget the good God.' Apparently they conceive of the Deity as a Peeping Tom, whose omnipotence enables Him to see through bathroom walls, but who is foiled by bathrobes. This view strikes me as curious. ** pp. 75–6 * '''As soon as we abandon our own [[reason]], and are content to rely upon [[authority]], there is no end to our troubles.''' Whose authority? The Old Testament? The New Testament? The Koran? In practice, people choose the book considered sacred by the community in which they are born, and out of that book they choose the parts they like, ignoring the others. At one time, the most influential text in the Bible was: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Now-a-days, people pass over this text, in silence if possible; if not, with an apology. And so, even when we have a sacred book, we still choose as truth whatever suits our own prejudices. ** p. 81 * The whole of theology, in regard to hell no less than to heaven, takes it for granted that Man is what is of most importance in the Universe of created beings. Since all theologians are men, this postulate has met with little opposition. ** p. 84 * Since evolution became fashionable, the glorification of Man has taken a new form. We are told that evolution has been guided by one great Purpose: through the millions of years when there were only slime, or trilobites, throughout the ages of dinosaurs and giant ferns, of bees and wild flowers, God was preparing the Great Climax. At last, in the fullness of time, He produced Man, including such specimens as [[Nero]] and [[Caligula]], [[Hitler]] and [[Mussolini]], whose transcendent [[glory]] justified the long painful process. For my part, I find even eternal damnation less incredible, certainly less ridiculous, than this lame and impotent conclusion which we are asked to admire as the supreme effort of Omnipotence. ** p. 84 * The whole conception of superior races is merely a myth generated by the overweening self-esteem of the holders of power. It may be that, some day, better evidence will be forthcoming; perhaps, in time, educators will be able to prove (say) that Jews are on the average more intelligent than gentiles. But as yet no such evidence exists, and all talk of superior races must be dismissed as nonsense. ** p. 89 * [[Education]], which was at first made universal in order that all might be able to read and write, has been found capable of serving quite other purposes. By instilling nonsense, it unifies populations and generates collective enthusiasm. If all governments taught the same nonsense, the harm would not be so great. ** p. 95 * '''Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for [[belief]], he will be satisfied with bad ones.''' ** p. 99 * '''Every advance in civilization has been denounced as unnatural while it was recent.''' ** p. 100 * For my part I distrust all generalizations about women, favourable and unfavourable, masculine and feminine, ancient and modern; all alike, I should say, result from paucity of experience. ** p. 102 * [[Aristotle]] could have avoided the mistake of thinking that women have fewer teeth than men, by the simple device of asking Mrs. Aristotle to keep her mouth open while he counted. ** p. 103 * '''The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.''' Persecution is used in theology, not in [[arithmetic]], because in arithmetic there is knowledge, but in theology there is only opinion. ** p. 104 * '''[[Fear]] is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of [[cruelty]]. To conquer fear is the beginning of [[wisdom]], in the pursuit of truth as in the endeavour after a worthy manner of life.''' ** p. 106 * '''If the matter is one that can be settled by observation, make the observation yourself.''' [[Aristotle]] could have avoided the mistake of thinking that women have fewer teeth than men, by the simple device of asking Mrs. Aristotle to keep her mouth open while he counted. He did not do so because he thought he knew. Thinking that you know when in fact you don't is a fatal mistake, to which we are all prone. I believe myself that hedgehogs eat black beetles, because I have been told that they do; but if I were writing a book on the habits of hedgehogs, I should not commit myself until I had seen one enjoying this unappetizing diet. Aristotle, however, was less cautious. Ancient and medieval authors knew all about unicorns and salamanders; not one of them thought it necessary to avoid dogmatic statements about them because he had never seen one of them. <br /> If, like most of mankind, you have passionate convictions on many such matters, there are ways in which you can make yourself aware of your own bias. If an opinion contrary to your own makes you angry, that is a sign that you are subconsciously aware of having no good reason for thinking as you do. If some one maintains that two and two are five, or that Iceland is on the equator, you feel pity rather than anger, unless you know so little of arithmetic or geography that his opinion shakes your own contrary conviction. '''The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.''' ** p. 116 * Many a man will have the courage to die gallantly, but will not have the courage to say, or even to think, that the cause for which he is asked to die is an unworthy one. * Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear. ==== Chapter 10: ''Ideas That Have Harmed Mankind'' ==== * ...when a man tortures himself he feels that it gives him a right to torture others, and inclines him to accept any system of dogma by which this right is fortified. ** p. 150 * The belief in the superiority of the male sex, which has now officially died out in Western nations, is a curious example of the sin of pride. There was, I think, never any reason to believe in any innate superiority of the male, except his superior muscle. ... Male superiority in former days was easily demonstrated, because if a woman questioned her husband's he could beat her. ** p. 157 * '''In [[America]] everybody is of [[opinion]] that he has no [[social]] superiors, since [[all]] [[men]] are [[equal]], but he does not admit that he has no social inferiors, for, from the time of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] onward, the doctrine that all men are equal applies only upwards, not downwards.''' There is on this subject a profound and widespread hypocrisy whenever people talk in general terms. ** p. 159 * Most of the greatest evils that man has inflicted upon man have come through people feeling quite certain about something which, in fact, was false. ** p. 162 [[Category:Works by Bertrand Russell]] [[Category:Essays]] kqmrc268dvmbls6o89m5curzu6klzzu 0 142917 3944350 3417402 2026-05-23T02:00:42Z ~2026-30786-36 3327683 /* */ 3944350 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Qassim in color.png|thumb|I am with all the parties of all trends if their aims are to serve the homeland, freedom and peace. Nothing will keep me far from them, neither religion, political parties, language nor nationality; I am with them and we will always march forward hand in hand in the procession of freedom and peace.]] '''[[w:Abd al-Karim Qasim|Abd al-Karim Qasim Mohammed Bakr Al-Qaraghuli Al-Zubaidi]]''' ([[21 November]] [[1914]] – [[9 February]] [[1963]]) was the Prime Minister of [[Iraq]] from 1958 to 1963. ==Quotes== * People, I am the son of the people. I pledge before God that I will sacrifice myself for your sake. I shall offer my life in defence of the Iraqi people. ** August 5, 1958, as quoted in Dr Lorenzo Kimball (1972) ''The Changing of Political Power in Iraq, 1958 to 1971''. * We cooperate with our brotherly Arab states... on the basis of the individual interests of those Arab states. ** November 26, 1958, as quoted in Malik Mufti (1996), ''Sovereign Creations: Pan-Arabism and Political Order in Syria and Iraq''. * The Iraqi people consist of brotherly nationalities which have amalgamated in order to defend the existence of the eternal Iraqi Republic. [This is] why we always declare 'long live true Iraqi unity, for in it lies our strength. ** March, 1959, as quoted in Adeed Dawisha (2009), ''Iraq: A Political History from Independence to Occupation''. * Death to the imperialist! Return Kuwait to its homeland! ** As quoted in "Kassem's Corner", ''Time'' (July 21, 1961). * I don't want to be the joke of the world, and I don't want to be thought of as another Hitler swallowing up people. ** As quoted in "Kassem's Corner", ''Time'' (July 21, 1961). * I do not wish parties or tendencies, whatever the color, to penetrate into the ranks of the armed forces under any circumstances. ** As quoted in Ibrahim Al-Marashi and Sammy Salama (2008), ''Iraq's Armed Forces: An Analytical History''. ===''Principles of the 14th July Revolution'' (1959)=== [[File:Qasim in uniform.png|thumb|I am from the people and I am the son of the people. I will work for the sake of the people. I will sacrifice my life for the liberty of this people and safeguarding, protecting and preserving it from all evils.]] [[File:Qasim Reserve Officer's College - 2.png|thumb|The parochial groupings and party affiliation at this time are of no benefit to the country... the purpose of this is to create disunity and weaken our strength and play one against the other. We are in a period of transition. We have resolved to protect the gains of our Revolution at any rate.]] * We, the people, were denied of the right even to mention the word peace or peace partisans and everyone related to them had to suffer from imprisonment as if it were an unpardonable crime. But now, after the people have been liberated from slavery, and after July 14 has dawned on us, this Republic and her sons have been liberated and have been marching on the path of freedom ever since. ** Speech delivered at the second congress of the peace partisans (April 14, 1959). * Peace is victorious always and for ever. Do you remember that aggression gained success and was not crushed by the last blow? Aggression, whether collective or unilateral, is inevitably to be crushed. If you just glance at courts and judges you will see that these courts and judges were formed to crush aggression or anyone who things of aggression. These courts and judges are only working for the sake of peace and ending aggression. This noble idea should prevail all over the world. ** Speech delivered at the second congress of the peace partisans (April 14, 1959). * No doubt, I am proud of the people. I am from the people and I am the son of the people. I will work for the sake of the people. I will sacrifice my life for the liberty of this people and safeguarding, protecting and preserving it from all evils. ** Speech delivered at the second congress of the peace partisans (April 14, 1959). * Brothers! I have the honour and I am proud to be in your ranks, and I pledge the Almighty that I will always struggle for the sake of peace. As for the forces of the Army which we have prepared, we prepared them to face those who attacks [sic] peace. We are a peaceful and a neutral state. We attack no one, but anyone who attacks us and starts aggression, we will stop him. ** Speech delivered at the second congress of the peace partisans (April 14, 1959). * The freedom of an individual merges in the freedom of all and serves the freedom of all. ** Speech delivered at the second congress of the peace partisans (April 14, 1959). * I had previously announced that I am above trends and leanings, above party politics and political parties. This is because I strive for the people as a whole to serve them. ** Speech delivered at the second congress of the peace partisans (April 14, 1959). * I am with all the parties of all trends if their aims are to serve the homeland, freedom and peace. Nothing will keep me far from them, neither religion, political parties, language nor nationality; I am with them and we will always march forward hand in hand in the procession of freedom and peace. ** Speech delivered at the second congress of the peace partisans (April 14, 1959). * Brothers! The days have gone when the workers and the toilers used to suffer bitterly. We protect all of the them. And I am under the protection. All of us are under the protection of the people, we work for the people and derive strength from them. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * The worker and the employer are now brothers who cannot be separated one from the other. The days of exploitation of the whole for the benefit of the individual have gone. The worker and the employer are now brothers, working side by side in harmony and solidarity for the people and the immortal Iraqi Republic. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * Brother workers! If you wish to stamp out imperialism, you have to exert yourself to work an extra hour. This will undermine the structure of the foreigner and the coloniser. An extra working hour can undermine the structure of the imperialists and threaten their existence. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * No longer shall the intrigues and mischief-making of the imperialists deceive us. No longer shall our work be interrupted under flimsy pretexts. We are working to attain a bright and better future, ensuring freedom and prosperous living not only to ourselves but to posterity. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * Brothers! The Army and the people have merged into a single entity. They have become a source of strength which is worrying the foreigners. The foreigner, along with imperialism, therefore began to resort to other means to split up our ranks so as to overcome us. But these attempts on the part of the imperialists to split up our ranks have gone long ago. Imperialism now tries to split up our ranks by calling for narrow parties and restricted groupings. The purpose of this is to play one against the other, while the foreigners and the imperialists will sit as spectators. But we shall thrust a stone in the mouth of imperialism. We shall overcome imperialism and we shall close this gap in its face. The parochial groupings and party affiliation at this time are of no benefit to the country... the purpose of this is to create disunity and weaken our strength and play one against the other. We are in a period of transition. We have resolved to protect the gains of our Revolution at any rate. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * Some people have come to me and said: "O leader, we wish you would form a party, thus saving us from these parties and groupings. My answer was that we are in a period of transition and that my party is the entire people, and I belong to the party of the people. All of us are the party of God, party of right and justice. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959) [[File:Iraqi girl smiles.jpg|thumb|The woman, your sister, has achieved victory. She will share with you, sooner or later, the responsibilities of administration.]] * The woman, your sister, has achieved victory. She will share with you, sooner or later, the responsibilities of administration. The peasant, likewise, has achieved victory, and so has the employer. Formerly, the employer used to fear for his life and for his property. Now, the employer and the worker are brothers working together in both prosperity and adversity to protect the gains of the Iraqi Republic. They work constantly not for any transient selfish interest but for the interest of the people. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * Brothers! We want from you more work. We want from you work and perfection. We want from you continuous work. Every day must be utilized to accumulate benefits for this homeland and this people. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * As to these traitors, their days are gone and they have been dwarfed in front of the people. The people have become armed with patience and faith. I insist on the co-operation and tolerance among people. As to the execution or non-execution of the traitors, this is a matter which is left for us to decide. ** Speech delivered in the gardens of the Shaab Hall (May 1, 1959). * All of you now what the situation was before the Revolution. All of you know of the regime which we have exterminated. It was that regime which was mercilessly destroying all the sincere people who stood in its way in the course of the struggle for God, for the people and for the homeland. ** Speech delivered at the officers' club (June 16, 1959). * We are not against parties nor are we against the loyal groups, we are always with them, helping them across the ocean of this life. We do not like that the trends and leanings of these parties should get into the ranks of the Army under any circumstances. The reason for this, brothers, is to preserve the unity of the Army and make it always ready to serve the people and the freedom of the people. ** Speech delivered at the officers' club (June 16, 1959). * We do not wish to become subordinate to any power. We will be friends with the powers of the world. We will be sincere friends to the powers that are sincere in their intentions and their friendship to us. ** Speech delivered at the officers' club (June 16, 1959). ===''The historical extempore speech at the Reserve Officers' College'' (1959)=== [[File:Iraqi voters in Nasarwasalam.jpg|thumb|Patience will benefit you in every hour, every time and every opportunity. It helps you to overcome your opponent, howsoever strong he may be. It will help you in times of distress and hardships, in battles and in war and peace.]] [[File:Al-watan al-arabi.png|thumb|I ask you, are there any frontiers of a foreign country between us and Syria? Is there any foreign country between us and Syria? Where is it? Are there any frontiers of a foreign country between Egypt and Sudan, or between Egypt and Libya? All are the frontiers of our brothers.]] * We are in a new era. The Almighty has destined us to serve this country and helped to succeed in our Revolution, which aimed at destroying injustice and tyranny, from which we suffered for many long years. * The wealth of the country was robbed and wasted in the interest of imperialism and the foreigner. In fact, everything in this country was exploited for the foreigner. The son of the people was living in miserable conditions. He was humiliated and insulted. Had we been patient for a time, it would have only been for the greatest explosion, as our people exploded with the Army in one day and destroyed the idols who were following the foreigners. * Patience will benefit you in every hour, every time and every opportunity. It helps you to overcome your opponent, howsoever strong he may be. It will help you in times of distress and hardships, in battles and in war and peace. * Brethren: I advise you to avoid attacking any of your brothers even if he harms you or surpasses the limits of ingratitude. The strength of any one amongst you is the strength of the other. * This country has become an independent Republic with complete sovereignty. This has been laid down in our Interim Constitution. This country is to be shared by the citizens, the Arabs and the Kurds. This entity is indivisible in any way. No one can divide nor disintegrate the Republic of Iraq from the North to the South and from the East to the West. * My Brethren: The enemy who failed to penetrate through this point resorted to creating intrigues and dissension among the brothers and causing doubt in the minds of the people. So, one says that this is a Nationalist, the other says that this is a [[Communist]], while yet another says that this is a Baathist or a Democratic. I say that this (the individual) is a Patriot - the son of this country. * The work which is done here and the help which is extended to our brothers are our aims. Take our sister Algeria which is struggling against oppressive forces and making best efforts for liberation and independence. We extended our aid to Algeria with full sincerity and faith in justice. We have pledged to continue our help to Algeria until Algeria is liberated. * We will achieve our goals, one of which is the collective rule and the end of autocracy and dictatorship. The people are the ruler, the absolute master, and an individual has no right to direct the affairs of the people. The individual, how long he may live, will die but the people will remain. We are working for the future generations and for the welfare of the people. We fought in [[Palestine]] for the sake of the people and to regain their liberty. We are still fighting and will not spare any effort, nor would we fail in our work for the sake of God and nor would we fail to be selfless in the service of the people, our guide. * We may have pledged to support the freedom of the people so that we ourselves may enjoy the results. We are working for the sake of God and for the sake of the people. We do not need to be known, nor do we need propaganda. We work for the sake of God and we know that how long we may live, we will ultimately die and the people will remain. The absolute rule is by the people and not by individuals. * Iraq strives to safeguard the interests of her sons within the framework of true national unity and the general interests of its brothers within the Arab framework. I ask you, are there any frontiers of a foreign country between us and Syria? Is there any foreign country between us and Syria? Where is it? Are there any frontiers of a foreign country between Egypt and Sudan, or between Egypt and Libya? All are the frontiers of our brothers. * [The newspapers] are talking of nationalism as if it were the property of an individual or as if it were confined to one group only. Nationalism is the property of all. Nobody can take possession of it just as a glittering word which attracts the hearts of stupid people. ==Quotes about Qasim== [[File:Qasim Reserve Officer's College - 4.png|thumb|''His supporters view him as a defender of the poor who fought for the state’s rights against the interests of the West. His detractors view him as the first in a series of disastrous would-be strongmen who led Iraq on to the path to instability that culminated in dictator [[Saddam Hussein]].'' ~ Raheem Salman and Ned Parker]] [[File:Abd al-Karim death.jpg|thumb|''He did not amass wealth. He put his salary in his pocket so he could distribute it to the poor. When he was executed he only had a dinar and a quarter on him.'' ~ Jabbar Maan al-Khafaji]] * The Snake Charmer. The man who stands between Iraq and all-out Communism is a lean, hard-muscled and ascetic professional soldier with a fixed, snaggle-toothed smile. His name Abdul Karim Kassem. On the face of it, Karim Kassem, 44, seems a weak reed on which to rest the free world's hopes. Modest in deportment, moderate in conversation, Kassem is nonetheless inordinately and naively suspicious... Cursed by shyness and a weak, high-pitched voice, he is sadly lacking in the rabble-rousing skills on which most successful Arab politicians rely. Most serious of all, he is totally inexperienced in affairs of state. **Anon, "The Dissembler". ''Time'' (April 13, 1959). * While there is much to admire about Qasim and the positive impact that he had on Iraqi society, he was, at the end of the day, a dictator, however benign. ** Eric Davis "Abd al-Karim Qasim", ''Kufa Review''. No.2 - issue 1- Winter 2013. * He was having his breakfast in an open restaurant together with the poor people, daily laborers and soldiers... He was visiting the bakeries and asking the owners to make the loaves of bread bigger. ** Abdullah Hamdani, Qasim's friend from the army, as quoted by Raheem Salman and Ned Parker, [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/babylonbeyond/2009/07/memories-of-abed-kareem-qassem-iraqs-first-leader-after-the-monarchy-were-ali.html IRAQ: Iraqis pay tribute to a strongman], ''Los Angeles Times: World'', (July 14, 2009). * He was honorable, sincere, with high dignity and integrity. He was always, in his speeches, repeating that he was poor, living with the poor, living in a poor neighborhood, that he knew their sufferings. ** Makkai Hamdani, Qasim's neighbour, as quoted by Raheem Salman and Ned Parker, [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/babylonbeyond/2009/07/memories-of-abed-kareem-qassem-iraqs-first-leader-after-the-monarchy-were-ali.html IRAQ: Iraqis pay tribute to a strongman], ''Los Angeles Times: World'', (July 14, 2009). * And so the unopinionated, unsassuming Qasim whom I knew in 1958 gradually got the taste of being the only man in the country. In other words, we built a dictator... Our people are in truth builders of dictators. ** Hashim Jwad, as quoted in Ibrahim Al-Marashi and Sammy Salama (2008), ''Iraq's Armed Forces: An Analytical History''. * Unlike other so-called Iraqi leaders he was not pretentious: he did not live in the Prime Minister's usual residence but in his modest house in the Al Batawein district. He did not amass wealth. He put his salary in his pocket so he could distribute it to the poor. When he was executed he only had a dinar and a quarter on him. ** Jabbar Maan al-Khafaji, as quoted in Karen Dabrowska & Geoff Hann (2008) ''Bradt Iraq Then and Now: A Guide to the Country and Its People''. * He apparently believed he was destined by fate to fulfill a great mission assigned to him by [[Allah]]; his dedication finally reached the martyr-complex stage. ** Dr Lorenzo Kimball (1972) ''The Changing of Political Power in Iraq, 1958 to 1971''. * The people related to Qasim on the basis that he alone personified the revolution. Qasim wanted it this way, and the people seemed comfortable with this setup. Qasim, however, in electing to rule as the sole leader, alienated many of the so-called Free Officers who made the revolution with him. This made him draw even closer to the people. ** Stephen C. Pelletière (2001), ''Iraq and the International Oil System: Why America Went to War in the Gulf''. * His supporters view him as a defender of the poor who fought for the state’s rights against the interests of the West. His detractors view him as the first in a series of disastrous would-be strongmen who led Iraq on to the path to instability that culminated in dictator [[Saddam Hussein]]. ** Raheem Salman and Ned Parker, [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/babylonbeyond/2009/07/memories-of-abed-kareem-qassem-iraqs-first-leader-after-the-monarchy-were-ali.html IRAQ: Iraqis pay tribute to a strongman], ''Los Angeles Times: World'', (July 14, 2009). * We must consider him a good example for politicians and leaders in the government... Each official in the current state of Iraq should review what this man has done for Iraq. ** Felah Hasan Shanshal, as quoted by Raheem Salman and Ned Parker, [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/babylonbeyond/2009/07/memories-of-abed-kareem-qassem-iraqs-first-leader-after-the-monarchy-were-ali.html IRAQ: Iraqis pay tribute to a strongman], ''Los Angeles Times: World'', (July 14, 2009). *He himself was living in the depths of a barracks from which he would not emerge, and among squads of soldiers from which he himself did not know whether they were still loyal to him. His system was like a house made of boards, damaged from the inside by woodworms, and it itself was mined by the weight of worries. It was bareley impossible to have a consistent, sustained conversation with him. He was nervous like no other, and he moved from one topic to another every ten minutes. He would get up and wander aimlessly around the room, and would hardly sit back down before he would get up again. It was clear that this man's nerves were bad. Perhaps his mind was injured as well. He could no longer control himself. As for his political concepts, to the extent that I was able to understand them, they were amazing ** [[Ahmed Ben Bella]] : "memoirs of ahmed ben bella ", 1981. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} *Qasim, Abd al-Karim (1959). [http://archive.org/details/PrinciplesOf14thJulyRevolutionAFewCollectionsOfTheEpoch-making Principles of 14th July revolution; a few collections of the epoch-making speeches delivered on some auspicious and historical occasions after the blessed, peaceful and miraculous revolution of July 14, 1958], Baghdad; Times Press. *Qasim, Abd al-Karim (1959). [http://archive.org/details/TheHistoricalExtemporeSpeechAtTheReserveOfficersCollege The historical extempore speech at the Reserve Officers' College]. {{DEFAULTSORT:Qasim, Abd al-Karim}} [[Category:1914 births]] [[Category:1963 deaths]] [[Category:Heads of state]] [[Category:Military leaders from Iraq]] [[Category:Muslims from Iraq]] [[Category:People from Baghdad]] [[Category:Politicians from Iraq]] [[Category:People of the Cold War]] qaispjis3g3xvm8frojms6c3cui9251 0 150224 3944416 3940051 2026-05-23T09:01:36Z ~2026-18347-32 3304826 3944416 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Princess Garden, Festival of Fantasy Parade (15985885363).jpg|242px|thumb|[[Love]] will thaw... Love. Of course! Love! —Elsa from the film]] '''''[[w:Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]''''' is a 2013 American animated [[w:musical film|musical]] children's {{w|fantasy film}} produced by {{w|Walt Disney Animation Studios}} and released by {{w|Walt Disney Pictures}}. It is inspired by [[Hans Christian Andersen]]'s fairy tale "{{w|The Snow Queen}}". It tells the story of an optimistic princess named [[w:Anna (Disney)|Anna]] (voiced by [[w:Kristen Bell|Kristen Bell]]), who sets off on a journey alongside a rugged [[w:iceman (occupation)|iceman]] named [[w:Kristoff (Disney)|Kristoff]] (voiced by [[w:Jonathan Groff|Jonathan Groff]]), his loyal {{w|reindeer}} Sven, and a naive {{w|snowman}} named [[w:Olaf (Disney)|Olaf]] (voiced by [[w:Josh Gad|Josh Gad]]) to find her estranged sister [[w:Elsa (Disney)|Elsa]] (voiced by [[w:Idina Menzel|Idina Menzel]]), whose [[w:cryokinesis|icy powers]] have inadvertently trapped their kingdom in eternal winter. It stars the voices of [[Kristen Bell]], {{w|Idina Menzel}}, {{w|Jonathan Groff}}, and {{w|Josh Gad}}. It continues with two theatrical short films released with ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|Cinderella]]'' and ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'', ''LEGO Frozen'' film series, two short films on [[w:Disney+|Disney+]] and a 2019 [[Frozen II|sequel]]. :''Directed by [[Chris Buck]] and [[Jennifer Lee (filmmaker)|Jennifer Lee]]. Written by Jennifer Lee.'' == [[w:Anna (Disney)|Anna]] == * This is amazing * ''[Walking in the freezing snow in her gown; Disappointed]'' Snow. It ''had'' to be snow! She couldn't have had ''tropical'' magic that covered the f-fjords in white sand and warm... ''[Sees smoke; happily]'' Fire! * Look I know how to stop this winter. * It is not nice to throw people! * You won't get away with this. * See, I knew you could do it. == [[w:Elsa (Disney)|Elsa]] == === ''[[w:Let It Go (Disney song)|Let It Go]]'' === :<small>Written by [[w:Kristen Anderson-Lopez|Kristen Anderson-Lopez]] and [[w:Robert Lopez|Robert Lopez]] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk Film clip (Idina Menzel version)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU Sing-along-version] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHue-HaXXzg Demi Lovato version]</small> * ''The [[snow]] glows white on the [[mountain]] tonight <br />Not a footprint to be seen. <br />A kingdom of isolation, <br />and it looks like I'm the Queen.'' * ''The [[wind]] is howling like this swirling [[storm]] inside <br />Couldn't keep it in — <br />[[Heaven]] [[knows]] I've tried.'' * ''Don't let them in, don't let them see<br />Be the good girl you always have to be. <br />Conceal, don't feel, don't let them [[know]] … <br />Well now they know!'' * ''It's funny how some distance <br />Makes everything seem small <br />And the fears that once controlled me <br /> Can't get to me at allǃ'' * ''It's time to see what I can do <br />To test the limits and break throughǃ <br />No right, no wrong, no rules for me, <br />I'm free!'' * ''Let it goǃ Let it go! <br />I am one with the wind and sky! <br />Let it goǃ Let it go! <br />You'll never see me cry!'' * ''Here, I stand <br /> In the light of dayǃ <br /> Let the storm rage onǃ <br /> My power flurries through the air into the ground'' ''My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around'' ''And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast'' ''I'm never going back, the past is in the past'' ''Let it go, let it go'' ''And I'll rise like the break of dawn'' ''Let it go, let it go'' ''That perfect girl is gone'' ''Here I stand in the light of day'' ''Let the storm rage on'' ''The cold never bothered me anyway!'' * * ''[While alone, Elsa stressfully attempts to control her powers, reverting her father's mantra]'' Get it together. Control it. Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel. Don't feel. ''[gasps]'' :''[Elsa's stress caused ice spikes to grow around inside her palace]'' == [[w:Olaf (Disney)|Olaf]] == * ''[sounding like he's about to cry]'' Anna? * Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs. * Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? Do you think she knows how to knock? * Stop it, Sven! I'm trying to focus here. == Dialogue == :'''Young Anna''': Elsa? ''[singing] Do you wanna build a snowman?<br />Come on, let's go and play!<br />I never see you anymore!<br />Come out the door!<br />It's like you've gone away!<br />We used to be best buddies, and now we're not.<br />I wish you would tell me why!<br />Do you wanna build a snowman?<br />It doesn't have to be a snowman.'' :'''Young Elsa''': ''(from inside her bedroom)'' Go away, Anna. :'''Young Anna''': ''[disappointed] Okay, bye...'' <hr width=50%> :'''Anna''': ''[a horse accidentally and promptly collides with her, she stumbles, and falls into a rowboat placed precariously on the edge of the dock. The boat nearly tips over but the horse places a hoof on the other end of the boat to steady it]'' Hey! :'''Hans''': I'm so sorry! Are you hurt? :'''Anna''': ''[immediately smitten smiles]'' Hey. Uh... no. No! I'm... I'm okay. :'''Hans''': Are you sure? :'''Anna''': Yeah, I...I just wasn't looking where I was going, but I'm great, actually. :'''Hans''': ''[jumps off his horse and steps onto the boat]'' Oh, thank goodness. ''[holds out his hand and helps Anna to her feet]'' Oh. Uh...Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. :'''Anna''': ''[curtsies]'' Princess Anna of Arendelle. :'''Hans''': Princess? My lady! ''[suddenly drops to his knees to bow, while his horse inadvertently lifts its foot off the boat, causing it to tip over. Hans grabs Anna before she can fall in the water]'' :'''Anna''': Wooh! :'''Hans''': Um... :''[The two look at each other awkwardly]'' :'''Anna''': Hi...again! :''[Hans's horse slams its hoof back onto the boat, tipping it back upright. Anna falls on top of Hans]'' :'''Hans''': Oh, boy! Uh... :'''Anna''': This is awkward. Not ''you're'' awkward, but just because we're...''I'm'' awkward - you're gorgeous. Wait, what? :'''Hans''': I'd like to formally apologize for hitting the Princess of Arendelle with my horse...and for every moment after. :'''Anna''': No. No, no! It's fine. I'm not ''that'' princess. I mean, if you'd hit my sister Elsa, it would be like...yeesh! 'Cause, you know... ''[pats Hans's horse's mane]'' Hello. ''[to Hans]'' But lucky you, it's...it's just me. :'''Hans''': ''[chuckles]'' Just you? :''[Anna smiles at Hans. Church bells are heard in the distance]'' :'''Anna''': The bells. The coronation! I...I...I better go! I have to go. I better go! Uh...bye! ''[rushes off. Hans's horse inadvertently lifts its hoof to wave as well, and the boat begins to tip]'' :'''Hans:''' Oh no. Ahhǃ ''[falls into the water]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hans''': Can I say something crazy? Would you marry me? :'''Anna''': Can I say something even crazier? Yes! <hr width=50%> :''[Anna and Hans approach Elsa seeking for her to bless their engagement. Elsa looks surprised by the news]'' :'''Anna''': ''[to guests]'' If you allow me, we'll go around you thanks, oh there it is. Elsa? I mean queen? May I introduce you to Prince Hans of the Southern Isles? :'''Hans''': Your majesty! :'''Anna and Hans''': We would like :'''Hans''': Your blessing :'''Anna''': For… :'''Hans and Anna''': For our marriage. :'''Elsa''': Marriage? :'''Anna''': Yes! :'''Elsa''': ''[to Anna and Hans]'' Sorry I'm confused :'''Anna''': Well, we haven't worked out all the details ourselves. We'll need a few days to plan the ceremony. Of course, we'll have soup, roast, and ice cream. And then...Wait. Would we live here? :'''Elsa''': Here? :'''Hans''': Absolutely! :'''Elsa''': Anna. :'''Anna''': Oh, we could invite all twelve of your brothers to stay with us. Of course we have the room. I don’t know, some of them must... :'''Elsa''': What? No. No, no, no, no! Just wait. Slow down! No one's brothers are staying here. No one is getting married. :'''Anna''': Wait, what? :'''Elsa''': May I talk to you, please? Alone? :'''Anna''': No! Whatever you have to say, you...you can say to both of us. :'''Elsa''': Fine. You can't marry a man you just met. :'''Anna''': You can if it's true love. :'''Elsa''': Anna, what do you know about true love? :'''Anna''': More than you. All you know is how to shut people out. :'''Elsa:''' ''[looks shocked by Anna's words, but remains firm]'' You asked for my blessing, but my answer is "no". Now...excuse me. ''[starts to walk away]'' :'''Hans''': Your Majesty, if I may ease your... :'''Elsa''': No, you may not, and I...I think you should go. ''[to the guard]'' The party is over. Close the gates. :'''Guard''': Yes, your majesty. :'''Anna''': What? Elsa, no! No, wait! ''[tries to grab Elsa's wrist, but instead accidentally pulls off her glove]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[gasps; desperately]'' Give me my glove. :'''Anna''': ''[also desperate]'' Elsa, please! Please! I can't live like this anymore! :'''Elsa''': ''[pauses]'' Then leave. :''[Anna looks at her, looking close to tears. Elsa then turns to leave]'' :'''Anna''': ''[calling after her]'' What did I ever do to you? :'''Elsa''': ''[impatiently]'' Enough, Anna. :'''Anna''': No, why? Why do you shut me out? Why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of?! :'''Elsa''': ''[angrily]'' I said, <big>'''enough!!'''</big> :''[swings her hand around, shooting out a sheet of icicles across the room. Everyone, including Anna, stares at her in shocked horror]'' :'''Duke of Weaselton''': Sorcery. ''[hides behind one of his bodyguards]'' I knew there was something dubious going on here. :'''Anna''': ''[stares at Elsa in shocked horror]'' Elsa. :''[Devastated, Elsa flees the ballroom]'' <hr width=50%> :''[While Elsa is fleeing from the castle]'' :'''Duke''': There she is! Stop her! :'''Elsa''': Please, just stay away from me! Stay away! ''[shoots out her icy floor from her left hand, making the Duke and his guards slip]'' :'''Duke''': Monster. <big>'''''Monster!'''''</big> <hr width=50%> :'''Duke''': Oh, look, it's snowing. It's snowing! The queen has cursed this land. She must be stopped! You have to go after her. :'''Anna''': Wait, no. :'''Duke''': ''[to Anna]'' You! Is there sorcery in you, too?! Are you a monster too?! :'''Anna''': No, no. I'm completely ordinary. :'''Hans''': That's right she is, and the best way. :'''Anna''': And my sister's not a monster. :'''Duke''': She nearly killed me! :'''Hans''': ''[to Duke]'' You slipped on ice. :'''Duke''': ''Her'' ice! :'''Anna''': It was an accident! She was scared! She didn't mean it, she didn't mean any of this! Tonight was my fault. I pushed her, so I'm the one who has to go look for her now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Anna arrives at Wandering Oaken's Trading Post and Sauna.]'' :'''Oaken''': Hoo-hoo. ''[she turns to see him sat behind a counter]'' Big summer blowout. Half off swimming suits, clogs, and a sun balm of my own invention, yah? :'''Anna''': Oh, great. For now, uh...how about boots? Winter boots and dresses? :'''Oaken''': ''[points to the area which is empty except for one outfit, a pair of boots, a rope and axe]'' That would be in our winter department. :'''Anna''': ''[picks up the outfit, boots and takes it to the counter]'' Oh. Um...I was just wondering, has another young woman, the Queen perhaps, I don't know, passed through here? :'''Oaken''': Only one crazy enough to be out in this storm is you, dear. ''[Kristoff suddenly enters, all covered in snow]'' You and this fellow! Yoo-hoo! Big summer blowout! :'''Kristoff''': ''[walks to Anna and leans closer to her]'' Carrots. :'''Anna''': Huh? :'''Kristoff''': Behind you. :'''Anna''': Oh, right. Excuse me. ''[steps out of his way, Kristoff picks up the carrots and tosses them on the counter]'' :'''Oaken''': Woh, a real howler in July, yes? ''[Kristoff goes and picks up the rope and axe from the sparse winter department]'' Where ever could it be coming from? :'''Kristoff''': The North Mountain. :'''Anna''': ''[quietly]'' North Mountain. :'''Oaken''': ''[as Kristoff places the axe and rope on the counter next to the carrots]'' That'll be fourty. :'''Kristoff''': Fourty? No, ten. :'''Oaken''': Oh dear, that's no good. ''[referring to the rope and axe]'' See this is from our winter stock, where supply and demand have a big problem. :'''Kristoff''': ''[looks out the window where his sled is stocked up with blocks of ice]'' You wanna talk about a supply and demand problem? I sell ice for a living. :'''Anna''': Ooh, that's a rough business to be in right now. I mean, that is really... ''[Kristoff gives her a cold look]'' Ahem...that's unfortunate. :'''Oaken''': Still fourty. But I will throw in a visit to Oaken's sauna. ''[waving]'' Yoo-hoo! Hi, family. :'''Family''': [A man a woman and the three kids towels] Yoo-hoo! :'''Kristoff''': Ten's all I got. Help me out. :'''Oaken''': Okay. ''[puts the carrots forward on the counter]'' Ten will get you this and no more. :'''Anna''': Okay, just tell me one thing. What was happening on the North Mountain? Did it seem magical? :'''Kristoff''': ''[pulls down the scarf on his face]'' Yes. Now back up, while I deal with this crook here. :''[Oaken stands revealing his tall stature, Kristoff gulps]'' :'''Oaken''': What did you call me? :'''Kristoff''': ''[gets carried by Oaken, as he walks outside]'' Okay, okay, I'm out. Ow! ''[gets thrown out and lands in the snow]'' Whoa! :'''Oaken''': Bye-bye! ''[heads back inside]'' :''[Kristoff gets up, as Sven comes up to him]'' :'''Kristoff''': No, Sven. I didn't get your carrots. ''[Sven huffs in disappoinment]'' But I did find us a place to sleep. And it's free. :'''Oaken''': ''[to Anna]'' I'm sorry about this violence. I will add a quart of lutefisk, so we'll have good feelings. Just the outfit and boots, yah? :'''Anna''': Uh... <hr width=50%> :''[Riding on Kristoff's sled]'' :'''Kristoff''': Hang on! We like to go fast! :'''Anna''': I ''like'' fast! ''[props her feet up on the "dashboard"]'' :'''Kristoff''': Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Get your feet down. This is fresh lacquer. Seriously, were you raised in a barn? ''[spits on the spot where Anna had her feet propped up. Some of the spit gets in Anna's face]'' :'''Anna''': Ugh! No, I was raised in a castle! :'''Kristoff''': Hmmm. So, uh tell me. What made the Queen go all ice-crazy? :'''Anna''': Oh, well, it was all my fault. I got engaged, but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him, you know, that day, and she said she wouldn't bless the marriage and- :'''Kristoff''': Wait. You got engaged to someone you just met that day? :'''Anna''': Yeah. Anyway, I got mad, and so ''she'' got mad and then she tried to walk away and I grabbed her glove- :'''Kristoff''': Hang on. You mean to tell me you got ''engaged'' to someone you just met ''that day''? :'''Anna''': Yes, pay attention! But the thing is, she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought, "Maybe she has a thing about dirt!" :'''Kristoff''': Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers? :'''Anna''': Yes, they did. ''[scoots slightly to the edge of the seat]'' But Hans is not a stranger! :'''Kristoff''': Oh, yeah? What's his last name? :'''Anna''': ''[scoffs]'' <big>'''''Of-the-Southern-Isles!'''''</big> :'''Kristoff''': What's his favorite food? :'''Anna''': Sandwiches. :'''Kristoff''': Best friend's name? :'''Anna''': Probably John. :'''Kristoff''': Eye color? :'''Anna''': Dreamy. :'''Kristoff''': Foot size? :'''Anna''': Foot size doesn't matter! :'''Kristoff''': Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats? What if you hate the way he picks his nose? :'''Anna''': ''[disgusted]'' Picks his nose? :'''Kristoff''': And eats it. :'''Anna''': ''[annoyed]'' Excuse me, sir, he is a <big>'''''prince.'''''</big> :'''Kristoff''': All men do it. :'''Anna''': Ew! ''[scoffs]'' Look, it doesn't matter; it's <big>'''''true love.'''''</big> :'''Kristoff''': Doesn't sound like true love. :'''Anna''': Are you some sort of love expert? :'''Kristoff''': No, but I have friends who are. :'''Anna''': You have friends who are love experts? I'm not buying it. :''[Sven suddenly comes to a stop]'' :'''Kristoff''': Stop talking. :'''Anna''': No, no, no, no, no! I'd like to meet these- :'''Kristoff''': ''[covers Anna's mouth]'' No! I mean it. :'''Anna:''' Mmmph! Mmmph! :''[shoves his hand away from her mouth]'' :'''Kristoff:''' Shhh! ''[scans the area behind them with his lantern. He sees a pack of hungry wolves slowly approaching them]'' Sven, go. Go! :'''Anna''': What are they? :'''Kristoff''': Wolves! :'''Anna''': Wolves?! <hr width=50%> :'''Olaf''': ''[his head on upside down]'' Wait, what am I looking at right now? Why are you hanging off the Earth like a bat? :'''Anna''': Alright, wait one second. ''[takes Olaf's head off and puts it on right side up]'' :'''Olaf''': Oh! Thank you. :'''Anna''': You're welcome. :'''Olaf''': Now I'm perfect! :'''Anna''': ''[smiles]'' Well, almost. :'''Olaf''': ''[to Kristoff]'' It was like my whole life got turned upside down. :'''Anna''': ''[grabs a carrot and tries to place it on Olaf's face tail first. It goes all the way through, expect for the tip]'' Oh! I'm sorry! :'''Olaf''': WHOOǃ Head rush! :'''Anna''': Are you okay? :'''Olaf''': Are you kidding me? I...am wonderful! I've always wanted a nose. It's so cute. It's like a little baby unicorn. ''[Anna pushes the carrot through Olaf's head]'' Oh, hey whoaǃ Oh, I love it even moreǃ Alright, let's start this thing over: Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf. And I like warm hugs. :'''Anna''': Olaf? ''[remembers]'' That's right! Olaf! :'''Olaf''': And you are...? :'''Anna''': Oh...I'm Anna. :'''Olaf''': ''[points to Kristoff]'' And who's the funky-looking [[w:donkey|donkey]] over there? :'''Anna''': ''[thinks Olaf is referring to Sven]'' That's Sven. :'''Olaf''': ''[points to Sven]'' Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer? :'''Anna''': ''[confused]'' Sven? :'''Olaf''': Oh, they're bo- Oh! Okay. Makes things easier for me. ''[Sven tries to bite Olaf's carrot nose]'' Whoa! Oh, look at him, trying to kiss my nose. I like you, too! :'''Anna''': Olaf. Did Elsa build you? :'''Olaf''': Yeah, why. :'''Anna''': Do you know where she is? :'''Kristoff''': Fascinating. :'''Olaf''': Yeah. Why? :'''Anna''': Do you think you can show us the way. :'''Olaf''': Yeah. Why? :'''Kristoff''': How does this work. Ow! :'''Olaf''': Stop it, Sven I'm trying to focus here. <hr width=50%> :'''Hans''': Do not question the princess. She left me in charge, and I will not hesitate to protect Arendalle from treason! :'''Duke''': T-T-Treason? :''[Anna's horse rushes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anna and Kristoff come across a rocky cliff]'' :'''Anna''': What now? :'''Kristoff''': Mm. It's too steep. I've only got one rope and you don't know how to climb mountains. :'''Anna''': Says who? :'''Kristoff''': ''[looks up to see Anna trying to climb up the rock face by herself]'' What are you doing? :'''Anna''': I'm...going....to see...my sister! :'''Kristoff''': You're gonna kill yourself. I wouldn't put my foot there. :'''Anna''': ''[her foot slips]'' You're distracting me! :'''Kristoff''': Or there. How do you know Elsa even wants to see you? :'''Anna''': Alright, I'm...I'm just blocking you out cause I've gotta concentrate here. ''[slips again]'' :'''Kristoff''': You know, most people who disappear into the mountains want to be alone. :'''Anna''': Nobody wants to be alone! Except maybe ''you''! :'''Kristoff''': I'm not alone! I have friends, remember? :'''Anna''': Ugh! You mean the love experts? :'''Kristoff''': Yes, the love experts. :'''Anna''': ''[finds a foothold for her left foot]'' Urgh! Please tell me I'm almost there! ''[the camera cuts to a wide angle to show that she's barely four feet off the ground; panting]'' Does the air seem a bit thin to you up here? :'''Kristoff''': ''[chuckles]'' Hang on. :'''Olaf''': Hey, Sven? ''[shows up]'' Not sure if this is gonna solve the problem, but I found a staircase that leads exactly where you want it to go. :'''Anna''': Ha-ha! Thank goodness! Catch! ''[jumps off and Kristoff catches her]'' Thanks! That was like a crazy trust exercise. <hr width=50%> :''[Anna steps up to the front doors of the ice palace]'' :'''Olaf''': Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? ''[to Kristoff]'' Do you think she doesn't know how to knock? :'''Anna''': ''[taps her fist on the door three times. The doors slowly open inwards]'' Ha! It opened! That's a first. ''[to Kristoff and Olaf]'' Oh, you should probably wait out here. :'''Kristoff''': What?! :'''Anna''': The last time I introduced her to a guy, she froze everything... :'''Kristoff''': But-But-Oh, come on! It's a palace made of ''ice''! Ice is ''my life''! :'''Olaf''': Bye, Sven! ''[starts to enter]'' :'''Anna''': ''[grabs Olaf by the arm]'' You too, Olaf. :'''Olaf''': What, me? :'''Anna''': Just give us a minute. :''[Kristoff sits on the top step, looking pretty dejected]'' :'''Olaf''': Okay. ''[starts counting]'' 1, 2, 3. :'''Both''': 4. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anna steps inside Elsa's ice castle. The doors shut behind her. She stares at her surroundings with a look of incredulity]'' :'''Anna''': Whoa. Elsa? It's me, Anna! Whoa! ''[slips, but stops herself from falling]'' :'''Elsa''': Anna? ''[appears at the top of the entry staircase, smiling warmly]'' :'''Anna''': ''[gazing at Elsa's ice dress]'' Whoa, Elsa, you look...different! It's a ''good'' different! And this place, it's-it's amazing! :'''Elsa''': Thank you. I never knew what I was capable of. :'''Anna''': ''[starts up the staircase]'' I'm so sorry about what happened. If I'd have known- :'''Elsa''': ''[backing away]'' No-no-no, it's okay. You-You don't have to apologize, but you should probably go. Please. :'''Anna''': But I just got here. :'''Elsa''': You belong down in Arendelle. :'''Anna''': So do you! :'''Elsa''': No, Anna, I belong ''here'', alone. Where I can be who I am...without hurting anybody. :'''Anna''': ''[grimaces]'' Actually, about that- :'''Olaf''': ''[off-screen]'' 58, 59, 60! :'''Elsa''': Wait. What is that? :'''Olaf''': ''[enters and runs across the entry foyer to stand next to Anna]'' Hi! I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs! :'''Elsa''': ''[surprised]'' Olaf? :'''Olaf''': You built me! Remember that? :'''Elsa''': And you're alive? :'''Olaf''': Yeah, um...I think so? :''[Elsa takes a secondary look at her hands]'' :'''Anna''': ''[kneels down beside Olaf]'' He's just like the one we built as children. :'''Elsa''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa, we were so close. We can be like that again. :''[Elsa smiles, but suddenly the memory of her accidentally hurting Anna when she was 7 years old comes flashing back to her; she turns away]'' :'''Elsa''': No, we can't. Goodbye, Anna. ''[heads upstairs]'' :'''Anna:''' Elsa, wait! :'''Elsa:''' I'm just trying to protect you! :'''Anna:''' You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! <hr width=50%> :''[Elsa loses control of her powers; some of her magic hits Anna in the chest, and she clutches to her knees in agony. Elsa notices and gasps]'' :'''Kristoff''': Anna! Are you okay? :'''Anna''': ''[feeble]'' I'm okay...I'm fine. :'''Elsa''': Who's this? Wait, it doesn't matter. You have to go. :'''Anna''': No, I know we can figure this out, ''together!'' :'''Elsa''': How? What power do you have to stop this winter? To stop ''me?'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[as he notices ominous shadows starting to appear on the walls]'' Anna, I think we should go. :'''Anna''': No! I'm not leaving without you, Elsa! :'''Elsa''': ''[worried but firmly]'' Yes, you are. :''[She fires a blast of magic, creating Marshmallow]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Anna and Kristoff survive falling off a cliff to avoid Marshmallow]'' :'''Anna''': Hey, you were right. Just like a pillow. ''[giggles and sees Olaf panting]'' Olaf! :'''Olaf''': ''[shaking Kristoff's boots]'' I can't feel my legs! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! :'''Kristoff''': ''[pops from beneath the snow, coughing]'' Those are ''my'' legs. :'''Olaf''': ''[as his lower body runs by]'' Oh. Hey, do me a favor, grab my butt. ''[Kristoff grabs Olaf's lower body and puts the rest of him on top]'' Oh, that feels better. ''[Sven comes up to them and sniffs Olaf]'' Hey, Sven! ''[as Sven tries to bite off his nose]'' He found us. ''[hugs Sven's face and talks to him in a funny voice]'' Who's my cute little reindeer? :'''Kristoff''': ''[as he pushes Olaf away from Sven]'' Don't talk to him like that. :''[Olaf laughs off]'' :''[scene cuts back to the ice palace where the shadows on the walls are even more ominous and Elsa, While alone, Elsa stressfully attempts to control her powers, reverting her father's mantra]'' Get it together. Control it. Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel. Don't feel. ''[gasps]'' :''[Elsa's stress caused ice spikes to appear around inside the palace on the top level]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Kristoff leads the gang to a large pile of what seems to be rocks]'' :'''Kristoff''': Meet my family. ''[he and Sven walks toward the rocks]'' Hey, guys! :'''Anna''': ''[stunned]'' They're...rocks. :'''Kristoff''': ''[off in the distance]'' You are a sight for sore eyes. :'''Olaf''': ''[also stunned, whispers to Anna]'' He's ''crazy.'' :'''Kristoff''': Hey, whoa, I didn't recognize you; you've lost so much weight. :'''Olaf''': ''[whispers]'' I'll distract him while you run. ''[loud, slow voice to the rocks]'' Hi, Sven's family! It's nice to meet you. ''[whispers to Anna]'' Because I love you, Anna, I insist you run. ''[to the rocks again]'' I understand you're love experts. Ooh! ''[whispers to Anna]'' Why aren't you running?! :'''Anna''': Uh...okay, well, I'm gonna go. :'''Olaf''': Go. :'''Kristoff''': No, no, Anna, wait. <hr width=50%> :'''Soldier 1''': This way, this way! :'''Soldier 2''': Whoa! :'''Hans''': ''[to Elsa]'' Queen Elsa! Don't be the monster they fear you are! :''[panting, hearing the truth in Hans' words and realizing what would happen if she committed that behavior back in Arendelle, Elsa immediately stops her assault on the Duke's henchmen. The men pinned to the wall with icicles aims his crossbow at Elsa. Hans sees this and quickly deflects the arrow upwards away from Elsa which ends up slicing thru the icy chandelier tinkling it and falls, Elsa looks up and gasps so she quickly runs out of it's way but has the shattering fragments hitting her unconscious, high pitched whining as the screen cuts to black, Elsa wakes up with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, then she sees she's in a dungeon back in Arendelle, she runs towards the dungeon window and stops when she sees that her hands are chained and in shackles, she leans to the window and looks out of the window and sees that Arendelle is frozen over]'' :'''Elsa''': Oh no. What have I done. :''[Elsa gasps softly as Hans comes into the dungeon with a lantern and places it below the left side of the door]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[to Hans]'' Why did you bring me here? :'''Hans''': I couldn't just let them kill you. :'''Elsa''': But I'm in danger to Arendelle. Get Anna. :'''Hans''': Anna has not returned yet. If you would just stop the winter, bring back summer, please. :'''Elsa''': Don't you see? I can't. You'll have to tell them to let me go. :'''Hans''': I will do what I can. :'''Elsa''': ''[sighs heavily]'' :''[as she looks back at the shackles on her hands, they start to whiten to ice.] <hr width=50%> :'''Hans''': What happened out there? :'''Anna''': Elsa struck me with her powers. :'''Hans''': You said she'd never hurt you. :'''Anna''': I was wrong. :'''Hans''': Anna! :'''Anna''': She froze my heart and only an act of true love can save me. :'''Hans''': A true love kiss.''[he and a weakened Anna lean in to kiss. But then he stops and smiles maliciously, revealing his true nature]'' Oh, Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you. :'''Anna''': ''[shocked]'' What...? ''[turns to see him walking to a window]'' You said you did. :'''Hans''': ''[closing the curtains]'' As 13th in line in my own kingdom, I didn't stand a chance. I knew I'd have to marry into the throne somewhere... :'''Anna''': What are you talking about? :'''Hans''': ''[puts out a candle]'' As heir, Elsa was preferable, of course, but no one was getting anywhere with her. But you... :'''Anna''': Hans? :'''Hans''': You were so desperate for love, you were willing to marry me, just like that! ''[picks up a pitcher of water and goes to the fireplace]'' I figured after we married, I'd have to stage a little accident for Elsa. ''[pours water onto the fire, extinguishing it]'' :'''Anna''': ''[reaches out to stop him, but collapses onto the floor]'' Hans, no! Stop! :'''Hans''': But then she doomed herself, and you were dull enough to go after her. :'''Anna''': Please... :'''Hans''': ''[chuckles]'' All that's left now is to...kill Elsa and bring back summer. :'''Anna''': ''[angrily]'' You're no match for Elsa. :'''Hans''': No, ''you're'' no match for Elsa. I, on the other hand, am the hero ''[puts on his glove]'' who is going to save Arendelle from destruction. ''[walks to the door]'' :'''Anna''': ''[sternly and angrily; yet weakly]'' You won't get away with this! :'''Hans''': Oh... I already have. ''[leaves, locking the door behind him]'' :'''Anna''': ''[tries to open the door but is too weak as she continues to freeze]'' Please! Somebody help! Oh! ''[the rest of her hair turns white, she shivers]'' Please...Please... ''[crumbles down to the floor]'' :'''Duke''': It's getting colder by the minute. If we don't do something soon, we'll all freeze to death. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': Prince Hans. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' Princess Anna is...dead. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': What...? :'''Duke''': What happened to her? :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' She was killed by Queen Elsa. :'''Duke''': ''[shocked as well]'' No! Her own sister. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' At least we got to say our marriage vows...before she died in my arms. :'''Duke''': ''[shocked as well]'' There can be no doubt now, ''[angrily]'' Queen Elsa is a monster and we are all in grave danger. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': Prince Hans, Arendelle looks to you. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully; yet vengefully]'' With a heavy heart, I charge Queen Elsa of Arendelle with treason and sentence her to death. <hr width=50%> :''[As Anna is lying on the floor and freezing to death, Olaf starts a fire for her]'' :'''Anna''': Olaf, get away from there! :'''Olaf''': ''[amazed]'' Whoa! So, this is heat. I love it. ''[a piece of the fire flings onto his finger]'' Ooh, but don't touch it! ''[runs up to Anna and carries her to the fire]'' So, where's Hans? What happened to your kiss? :'''Anna''': I was wrong about him. It wasn't true love. :'''Olaf''': But we ran all the way here. :'''Anna''': Please, Olaf. You can't stay here. You'll melt. :'''Olaf''': I am not leaving here until we find some other act of true love to save you. ''[sits down next to Anna]'' Do you happen to have any ideas? :'''Anna''': I don't even know what love is. :'''Olaf''': That's okay. I do. ''[stroking Anna's shoulder]'' Love is...putting someone else's needs before yours, like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever. :'''Anna''': ''[surprised]'' Kristoff...''loves me?'' :'''Olaf''': ''[walks in front of Anna]'' Wow. You really ''don't'' know anything about love, do you? ''[his carrot nose begins to fall off his face, but he realigns it]'' :'''Anna''': Olaf, you're melting! :'''Olaf''': Some people are worth melting for. ''[Anna smiles, but then his head starts to melt. He grabs it just in time.]'' Just maybe not right this second. ''[the window opens]'' Ah! Don't worry I got it! <hr width=50%> :''[Hans catches up to Elsa in the storm on the frozen fjord]'' :'''Hans''': '''ELSA!''' YOU CAN'T RUN FROM THIS!! :'''Elsa''': Just take care of my sister! :'''Hans''': Your sister? She returned from the mountain weak and cold! She said that ''you'' froze her heart! :'''Elsa''': ''[shocked]'' No...! :'''Hans''': I tried to save her, but it was too late! Her skin was ice, her hair turned white! Your sister is dead... because of YOU! :'''Elsa''': ''[started to weep]'' No... ''[turns around and drops to the ground in grief; the blizzard stops]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Anna''': ''[whimpers]'' Kristoff? :'''Kristoff''': Anna. :''[Anna, very weak, struggles to move across the fjord. She suddenly hears the sound of a sword being drawn, and sees Hans approaching Elsa with his sword]'' :'''Anna''': ''[whimpers]'' Elsa? :''[Anna realizes Hans is about to kill Elsa, taking one last look at Kristoff, and uses her final ounce of strength to throw herself in front of Elsa]'' :'''Anna''': ''[screams]'' <big><big><big>'''''NOOO!!!!'''''</big></big></big> :''[Anna freezes to solid ice, Hans' sword hits her fingers and the sword breaks and shatters, the brute force is enough to knock Hans out '''cold'''; Anna releases one last breath and Elsa gets up]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[looking up]'' Anna! ''[gets up and touches Anna's frozen face]'' Oh, Anna...No, no, please...No, please...No, please...No. ''[realizes what has happened, throws her arms around the frozen Anna, and begins to cry]'' :'''Olaf''': Anna...? :''[Kristoff, Sven, Olaf, and all of the dignitaries in Arendelle mourn over the death of Anna. Suddenly, Anna thaws and comes back to life, her hair returns to its normal color without the streak, first noticed by Olaf and Sven, the latter nudging Kristoff to it]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[surprised]'' Anna? :''[The sisters hug]'' :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa. :'''Elsa''': You sacrificed yourself for me? :'''Anna''': ''[smiles]'' I love you. :'''Olaf''': ''[gasps, realizing something]'' An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart! :'''Elsa''': ''[also realizing something]'' Love will thaw. Love. Of course! :'''Anna''': Elsa? :'''Elsa''': Love! ''[begins to thaw Arendelle with her magic ice powers]'' :''[All the snow around Arendelle began to melt faster, the clouds went away as the sun shines on the kingdom, and the ice melts into water, making all the boats and ships float again]'' :'''Anna''': ''[after Elsa brings back summer]'' I knew you could do it. :'''Olaf''': ''[as he begins to melt]'' Hands down, this is the best day of my life, and quite possibly the last. :'''Elsa''': Oh, Olaf! Hang on, little guy. ''[uses her magic to recreate Olaf and gives him a cloud that produces flurries]'' :'''Olaf''': ''[gasps]'' My own personal FLURRY! ''[giggles]'' :''[Hans, weakened, slowly gets up]'' :'''Anna''': ''[to Kristoff, as he moves to hit Hans for what he did to Anna]'' Ah, ah, ah! ''[walks to Hans]'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[to Anna]'' What's up? :'''Hans''': ''[shocked]'' Anna? But... she froze your heart! :'''Anna''': The only frozen heart around here is ''yours''. ''[turns around, but whips around and punches Hans in the face, who falls into the water]'' :''[the dignitaries cheer and laugh over Hans' recompense]'' :'''German dignitary''': Wünderful! :'''Spanish dignitary''': Isn't that ''fantastico''? ''[chortles]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The ambassadors of their countries are sailing home from Arendelle. A guard from the French Ambassador tosses Hans inside a cabin and locks]'' :'''French Ambassador''': I shall take this scoundrel back to his hometown. We shall see what his 12 brothers think about his behavior. :'''Kai''': Arendelle thanks you, my lord. :'''Duke of Weselton''': ''[escorted to his ship with his two bodyguards by a troop of Arendellian soldiers]'' This is unacceptable! I am a victim of fear! I have been traumatized! ''[fakes a neck injury]'' Ah... My neck hurts... Is there a doctor that I can see? ''[sees no one listening to him]'' AND I DEMAND TO SEE THE QUEEN! :'''Kai''': Oh, I have a message from the queen: "Arendelle will henceforth and forever no longer do business of any sort... with ''Weaseltown''". :'''Duke of Weselton''': ''[roughly escorted to his ship]'' WESELTON! IT'S ''WESELTON''! <hr width=50%> :''[Anna leads a blindfolded Kristoff to the dock, and then she takes off the blindfold, revealing a new sled, with a new lute in it]'' :'''Anna''': I owe you a sled. :'''Kristoff''': ''[surprised]'' Are you serious? :'''Anna''': ''[excited]'' '''YES!''' ''[normal]'' And it's the latest model. :'''Kristoff''': No, I can't accept this. :'''Anna''': You have to. No returns, no exchanges; Elsa's orders. She named you the official Arendelle Ice Master and Deliverer. :'''Kristoff''': What? That's not a thing. :'''Anna''': Oh, sure it is. ''[about the sled]'' And it even has a cup holder. Do you like it? :'''Kristoff''': ''Like'' it? ''[happily picks up Anna and twirls her around]'' I '''''LOVE''''' IT! I could ''kiss'' you! ''[puts Anna down, embarrassed]'' Uh-I could. I mean, I'd like to. I-May I? We me...May we? Wait, what? :'''Anna''': ''[kisses him on the cheek]'' We ''may''. :''[She and Kristoff kiss]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elsa''': ''[to the citizens of Arendelle]'' Are you ready? :''[the citizens of Arendelle cheer in yes; Elsa stamps her foot on the cobblestones, and they freeze over along with the courtyard archways, Elsa freezes the fountains in mid-air with artistic designs, Elsa shoots up a flurry that bursts into a bunch of snowflakes like what she did when she and Anna were children]'' :''[everyone cheers and applaudes; Kai and one of the court ladies show off their ice-skating skills] :''unnamed staff lady'': ''[to Kai]'' Swing me. :''[Last lines]'' :'''Anna''': I like the open gates. :'''Elsa''': We are never closing them again. ''[makes skates on Anna's boots]'' :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa, they're beautiful, but you know I don't skate. :'''Elsa''': Come on, you can do it! ''[pulls Anna across the ice]'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[skates by with Sven]'' Look out, reindeer coming through! :'''Anna''': ''[stumbling]'' I got it! I got it! Ooh! I don't got it! I don't got it! :'''Olaf''': ''[skates over to help Anna]'' Hey, guys! :'''Elsa''': That's it, Olaf. :'''Olaf''': Glide and pivot... and glide and pivot... and glide and pivot... == About ''Frozen'' == * It’s been overwhelming, the year. We still get YouTube sent to us. I mean, I got one just yesterday…It’s actually very funny. Um, so I just, It’s been overwhelming. It really has. Starting with the Reddit… Round table. Reddit round table is where a woman wrote in saying, um, that she was, uh, in a bad place and was gonna commit suicide, and saw Frozen and inspired by Elsa and, and her journey, and she said, and I’m still here. Thank you. So, you know, we’re overwhelmed by that. : There are autistic kids that watch Frozen that parents tell us they hadn’t… They don’t sit still for anything, and they watch Frozen, and they relate to Olaf. Um, just a few weeks ago, uh, a friend of ours working at a nursing home, and a senior citizen just, she wasn’t really [STAMMERS] She sort of internal and not doing much. And she watched Frozen. And then she started drawing again. ‘Cause she used to draw when she was younger. And she was drawing the Frozen characters. And just, and her husband was just so grateful she was coming back to life. So you get those are the stories that we go oh wow. And that’s how I think our life has changed. Sort of seeing what… We always knew that these films had some influence and power. But this one certainly I’ve never experienced anything like this. So you really do… * Well, our art director knew it would be a Scandinavian area. He was just going through books, and, he’d seen a lot of internet stuff too. He was posting all these pages on Scandinavia you know, beautiful scenery and architecture, and almost all the post-its were Norway. So he said okay. Well, you know, we needed our trip to Norway. Now we say that it’s set in Norway. But it helps to have something specific to kind of draw from. So it makes the world very believable. And there are ideas in Norway, we’d never have come up with on our own, the, the stave church, which was very beautiful. :* [[w:Chris Buck|Chris Buck]], [http://thefairytaletraveler.com/2015/03/11/exclusive-interview-frozen-directors/ "#FrozenFever #CinderellaEvent Exclusive Interview With Frozen Directors Jennifer Lee and Chris Buck"], by Christa Thompson, ''The Fairy Tale Traveler'', March 11, 2015. == Cast == * {{w|Kristen Bell}} - Anna * {{w|Idina Menzel}} - Elsa * {{w|Jonathan Groff}} - Kristoff * {{w|Josh Gad}} - Olaf * {{w|Santino Fontana}} - Prince Hans of the Southern Isles * {{w|Alan Tudyk}} - The Duke of Weselton * {{w|Ciarán Hinds}} - Pabbie the Troll King * [[w:Chris Williams (director)|Chris Williams]] - Oaken * {{w|Maia Wilson}} - Bulda * {{w|Maurice LaMarche}} - Agnarr * {{w|Evan Rachel Wood}} — Iduna ==Additional Voices== * {{w|Chris Williams (director)|Chris Williams}} * {{w|Stephanie Beatriz}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{Official website}} * {{IMDb title|2294629|Frozen}} * {{Amg movie|555200|Frozen}} * {{Mojo title|frozen2013|Frozen}} * {{Metacritic film|frozen-2013|Frozen}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|frozen_2013|Frozen}} * [http://www.disneyanimation.com/projects/frozen ''Frozen''] at {{w|Walt Disney Animation Studios}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2013 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2013 American animated films]] [[Category:Disney films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about trolls]] [[Category:Films set in Norway]] [[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about sisters]] [[Category:Frozen (franchise)]] [[Category:World record holders]] gll2jxuk318ikpyhayjtyrdjam1vdkj 3944422 3944416 2026-05-23T10:13:45Z ~2026-19358-24 3306038 /* Dialogue */ 3944422 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Princess Garden, Festival of Fantasy Parade (15985885363).jpg|242px|thumb|[[Love]] will thaw... Love. Of course! Love! —Elsa from the film]] '''''[[w:Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]''''' is a 2013 American animated [[w:musical film|musical]] children's {{w|fantasy film}} produced by {{w|Walt Disney Animation Studios}} and released by {{w|Walt Disney Pictures}}. It is inspired by [[Hans Christian Andersen]]'s fairy tale "{{w|The Snow Queen}}". It tells the story of an optimistic princess named [[w:Anna (Disney)|Anna]] (voiced by [[w:Kristen Bell|Kristen Bell]]), who sets off on a journey alongside a rugged [[w:iceman (occupation)|iceman]] named [[w:Kristoff (Disney)|Kristoff]] (voiced by [[w:Jonathan Groff|Jonathan Groff]]), his loyal {{w|reindeer}} Sven, and a naive {{w|snowman}} named [[w:Olaf (Disney)|Olaf]] (voiced by [[w:Josh Gad|Josh Gad]]) to find her estranged sister [[w:Elsa (Disney)|Elsa]] (voiced by [[w:Idina Menzel|Idina Menzel]]), whose [[w:cryokinesis|icy powers]] have inadvertently trapped their kingdom in eternal winter. It stars the voices of [[Kristen Bell]], {{w|Idina Menzel}}, {{w|Jonathan Groff}}, and {{w|Josh Gad}}. It continues with two theatrical short films released with ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|Cinderella]]'' and ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'', ''LEGO Frozen'' film series, two short films on [[w:Disney+|Disney+]] and a 2019 [[Frozen II|sequel]]. :''Directed by [[Chris Buck]] and [[Jennifer Lee (filmmaker)|Jennifer Lee]]. Written by Jennifer Lee.'' == [[w:Anna (Disney)|Anna]] == * This is amazing * ''[Walking in the freezing snow in her gown; Disappointed]'' Snow. It ''had'' to be snow! She couldn't have had ''tropical'' magic that covered the f-fjords in white sand and warm... ''[Sees smoke; happily]'' Fire! * Look I know how to stop this winter. * It is not nice to throw people! * You won't get away with this. * See, I knew you could do it. == [[w:Elsa (Disney)|Elsa]] == === ''[[w:Let It Go (Disney song)|Let It Go]]'' === :<small>Written by [[w:Kristen Anderson-Lopez|Kristen Anderson-Lopez]] and [[w:Robert Lopez|Robert Lopez]] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk Film clip (Idina Menzel version)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU Sing-along-version] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHue-HaXXzg Demi Lovato version]</small> * ''The [[snow]] glows white on the [[mountain]] tonight <br />Not a footprint to be seen. <br />A kingdom of isolation, <br />and it looks like I'm the Queen.'' * ''The [[wind]] is howling like this swirling [[storm]] inside <br />Couldn't keep it in — <br />[[Heaven]] [[knows]] I've tried.'' * ''Don't let them in, don't let them see<br />Be the good girl you always have to be. <br />Conceal, don't feel, don't let them [[know]] … <br />Well now they know!'' * ''It's funny how some distance <br />Makes everything seem small <br />And the fears that once controlled me <br /> Can't get to me at allǃ'' * ''It's time to see what I can do <br />To test the limits and break throughǃ <br />No right, no wrong, no rules for me, <br />I'm free!'' * ''Let it goǃ Let it go! <br />I am one with the wind and sky! <br />Let it goǃ Let it go! <br />You'll never see me cry!'' * ''Here, I stand <br /> In the light of dayǃ <br /> Let the storm rage onǃ <br /> My power flurries through the air into the ground'' ''My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around'' ''And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast'' ''I'm never going back, the past is in the past'' ''Let it go, let it go'' ''And I'll rise like the break of dawn'' ''Let it go, let it go'' ''That perfect girl is gone'' ''Here I stand in the light of day'' ''Let the storm rage on'' ''The cold never bothered me anyway!'' * * ''[While alone, Elsa stressfully attempts to control her powers, reverting her father's mantra]'' Get it together. Control it. Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel. Don't feel. ''[gasps]'' :''[Elsa's stress caused ice spikes to grow around inside her palace]'' == [[w:Olaf (Disney)|Olaf]] == * ''[sounding like he's about to cry]'' Anna? * Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs. * Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? Do you think she knows how to knock? * Stop it, Sven! I'm trying to focus here. == Dialogue == :'''Young Anna''': Elsa? ''[singing] Do you wanna build a snowman?<br />Come on, let's go and play!<br />I never see you anymore!<br />Come out the door!<br />It's like you've gone away!<br />We used to be best buddies, and now we're not.<br />I wish you would tell me why!<br />Do you wanna build a snowman?<br />It doesn't have to be a snowman.'' :'''Young Elsa''': ''(from inside her bedroom)'' Go away, Anna. :'''Young Anna''': ''[disappointed] Okay, bye!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Anna''': ''[a horse accidentally and promptly collides with her, she stumbles, and falls into a rowboat placed precariously on the edge of the dock. The boat nearly tips over but the horse places a hoof on the other end of the boat to steady it]'' Hey! :'''Hans''': I'm so sorry! Are you hurt? :'''Anna''': ''[immediately smitten smiles]'' Hey. Uh... no. No! I'm... I'm okay. :'''Hans''': Are you sure? :'''Anna''': Yeah, I...I just wasn't looking where I was going, but I'm great, actually. :'''Hans''': ''[jumps off his horse and steps onto the boat]'' Oh, thank goodness. ''[holds out his hand and helps Anna to her feet]'' Oh. Uh...Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. :'''Anna''': ''[curtsies]'' Princess Anna of Arendelle. :'''Hans''': Princess? My lady! ''[suddenly drops to his knees to bow, while his horse inadvertently lifts its foot off the boat, causing it to tip over. Hans grabs Anna before she can fall in the water]'' :'''Anna''': Wooh! :'''Hans''': Um... :''[The two look at each other awkwardly]'' :'''Anna''': Hi...again! :''[Hans's horse slams its hoof back onto the boat, tipping it back upright. Anna falls on top of Hans]'' :'''Hans''': Oh, boy! Uh... :'''Anna''': This is awkward. Not ''you're'' awkward, but just because we're...''I'm'' awkward - you're gorgeous. Wait, what? :'''Hans''': I'd like to formally apologize for hitting the Princess of Arendelle with my horse...and for every moment after. :'''Anna''': No. No, no! It's fine. I'm not ''that'' princess. I mean, if you'd hit my sister Elsa, it would be like...yeesh! 'Cause, you know... ''[pats Hans's horse's mane]'' Hello. ''[to Hans]'' But lucky you, it's...it's just me. :'''Hans''': ''[chuckles]'' Just you? :''[Anna smiles at Hans. Church bells are heard in the distance]'' :'''Anna''': The bells. The coronation! I...I...I better go! I have to go. I better go! Uh...bye! ''[rushes off. Hans's horse inadvertently lifts its hoof to wave as well, and the boat begins to tip]'' :'''Hans:''' Oh no. Ahhǃ ''[falls into the water]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hans''': Can I say something crazy? Would you marry me? :'''Anna''': Can I say something even crazier? Yes! <hr width=50%> :''[Anna and Hans approach Elsa seeking for her to bless their engagement. Elsa looks surprised by the news]'' :'''Anna''': ''[to guests]'' If you allow me, we'll go around you thanks, oh there it is. Elsa? I mean queen? May I introduce you to Prince Hans of the Southern Isles? :'''Hans''': Your majesty! :'''Anna and Hans''': We would like :'''Hans''': Your blessing :'''Anna''': For… :'''Hans and Anna''': For our marriage. :'''Elsa''': Marriage? :'''Anna''': Yes! :'''Elsa''': ''[to Anna and Hans]'' Sorry I'm confused :'''Anna''': Well, we haven't worked out all the details ourselves. We'll need a few days to plan the ceremony. Of course, we'll have soup, roast, and ice cream. And then...Wait. Would we live here? :'''Elsa''': Here? :'''Hans''': Absolutely! :'''Elsa''': Anna. :'''Anna''': Oh, we could invite all twelve of your brothers to stay with us. Of course we have the room. I don’t know, some of them must... :'''Elsa''': What? No. No, no, no, no! Just wait. Slow down! No one's brothers are staying here. No one is getting married. :'''Anna''': Wait, what? :'''Elsa''': May I talk to you, please? Alone? :'''Anna''': No! Whatever you have to say, you...you can say to both of us. :'''Elsa''': Fine. You can't marry a man you just met. :'''Anna''': You can if it's true love. :'''Elsa''': Anna, what do you know about true love? :'''Anna''': More than you. All you know is how to shut people out. :'''Elsa:''' ''[looks shocked by Anna's words, but remains firm]'' You asked for my blessing, but my answer is "no". Now...excuse me. ''[starts to walk away]'' :'''Hans''': Your Majesty, if I may ease your... :'''Elsa''': No, you may not, and I...I think you should go. ''[to the guard]'' The party is over. Close the gates. :'''Guard''': Yes, your majesty. :'''Anna''': What? Elsa, no! No, wait! ''[tries to grab Elsa's wrist, but instead accidentally pulls off her glove]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[gasps; desperately]'' Give me my glove. :'''Anna''': ''[also desperate]'' Elsa, please! Please! I can't live like this anymore! :'''Elsa''': ''[pauses]'' Then leave. :''[Anna looks at her, looking close to tears. Elsa then turns to leave]'' :'''Anna''': ''[calling after her]'' What did I ever do to you? :'''Elsa''': ''[impatiently]'' Enough, Anna. :'''Anna''': No, why? Why do you shut me out? Why do you shut the world out? What are you so afraid of?! :'''Elsa''': ''[angrily]'' I said, <big>'''''ENOUGH!!'''''</big> :''[swings her hand around, shooting out a sheet of icicles across the room. Everyone, including Anna, stares at her in shocked horror]'' :'''Duke of Weaselton''': Sorcery. ''[hides behind one of his bodyguards]'' I knew there was something dubious going on here. :'''Anna''': ''[stares at Elsa in shocked horror]'' Elsa. :''[Devastated, Elsa flees the ballroom]'' <hr width=50%> :''[While Elsa is fleeing from the castle]'' :'''Duke''': There she is! Stop her! :'''Elsa''': Please, just stay away from me! Stay away! ''[shoots out her icy floor from her left hand, making the Duke and his guards slip]'' :'''Duke''': Monster. <big>'''''MONSTER!'''''</big> <hr width=50%> :'''Duke''': Oh, look, it's snowing. It's snowing! The queen has cursed this land. She must be stopped! You have to go after her. :'''Anna''': Wait, no. :'''Duke''': ''[to Anna]'' You! Is there sorcery in you, too?! Are you a monster too?! :'''Anna''': No, no. I'm completely ordinary. :'''Hans''': That's right she is, and the best way. :'''Anna''': And my sister's not a monster. :'''Duke''': She nearly killed me! :'''Hans''': ''[to Duke]'' You slipped on ice. :'''Duke''': ''Her'' ice! :'''Anna''': It was an accident! She was scared! She didn't mean it, she didn't mean any of this! Tonight was my fault. I pushed her, so I'm the one who has to go look for her now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Anna arrives at Wandering Oaken's Trading Post and Sauna.]'' :'''Oaken''': Hoo-hoo. ''[she turns to see him sat behind a counter]'' Big summer blowout. Half off swimming suits, clogs, and a sun balm of my own invention, yah? :'''Anna''': Oh, great. For now, uh...how about boots? Winter boots and dresses? :'''Oaken''': ''[points to the area which is empty except for one outfit, a pair of boots, a rope and axe]'' That would be in our winter department. :'''Anna''': ''[picks up the outfit, boots and takes it to the counter]'' Oh. Um...I was just wondering, has another young woman, the Queen perhaps, I don't know, passed through here? :'''Oaken''': Only one crazy enough to be out in this storm is you, dear. ''[Kristoff suddenly enters, all covered in snow]'' You and this fellow! Yoo-hoo! Big summer blowout! :'''Kristoff''': ''[walks to Anna and leans closer to her]'' Carrots. :'''Anna''': Huh? :'''Kristoff''': Behind you. :'''Anna''': Oh, right. Excuse me. ''[steps out of his way, Kristoff picks up the carrots and tosses them on the counter]'' :'''Oaken''': Woh, a real howler in July, yes? ''[Kristoff goes and picks up the rope and axe from the sparse winter department]'' Where ever could it be coming from? :'''Kristoff''': The North Mountain. :'''Anna''': ''[quietly]'' North Mountain. :'''Oaken''': ''[as Kristoff places the axe and rope on the counter next to the carrots]'' That'll be fourty. :'''Kristoff''': Fourty? No, ten. :'''Oaken''': Oh dear, that's no good. ''[referring to the rope and axe]'' See this is from our winter stock, where supply and demand have a big problem. :'''Kristoff''': ''[looks out the window where his sled is stocked up with blocks of ice]'' You wanna talk about a supply and demand problem? I sell ice for a living. :'''Anna''': Ooh, that's a rough business to be in right now. I mean, that is really... ''[Kristoff gives her a cold look]'' Ahem...that's unfortunate. :'''Oaken''': Still fourty. But I will throw in a visit to Oaken's sauna. ''[waving]'' Yoo-hoo! Hi, family. :'''Family''': [A man a woman and the three kids towels] Yoo-hoo! :'''Kristoff''': Ten's all I got. Help me out. :'''Oaken''': Okay. ''[puts the carrots forward on the counter]'' Ten will get you this and no more. :'''Anna''': Okay, just tell me one thing. What was happening on the North Mountain? Did it seem magical? :'''Kristoff''': ''[pulls down the scarf on his face]'' Yes. Now back up, while I deal with this crook here. :''[Oaken stands revealing his tall stature, Kristoff gulps]'' :'''Oaken''': What did you call me? :'''Kristoff''': ''[gets carried by Oaken, as he walks outside]'' Okay, okay, I'm out. Ow! ''[gets thrown out and lands in the snow]'' Whoa! :'''Oaken''': Bye-bye! ''[heads back inside]'' :''[Kristoff gets up, as Sven comes up to him]'' :'''Kristoff''': No, Sven. I didn't get your carrots. ''[Sven huffs in disappoinment]'' But I did find us a place to sleep. And it's free. :'''Oaken''': ''[to Anna]'' I'm sorry about this violence. I will add a quart of lutefisk, so we'll have good feelings. Just the outfit and boots, yah? :'''Anna''': Uh... <hr width=50%> :''[Riding on Kristoff's sled]'' :'''Kristoff''': Hang on! We like to go fast! :'''Anna''': I like fast! ''[props her feet up on the "dashboard"]'' :'''Kristoff''': Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Get your feet down. This is fresh lacquer. Seriously, were you raised in a barn? ''[spits on the spot where Anna had her feet propped up. Some of the spit gets in Anna's face]'' :'''Anna''': Ugh! No, I was raised in a castle! :'''Kristoff''': Hmmm. So, uh tell me. What made the Queen go all ice-crazy? :'''Anna''': Oh, well, it was all my fault. I got engaged, but then she freaked out because I'd only just met him, you know, that day, and she said she wouldn't bless the marriage and- :'''Kristoff''': Wait. You got engaged to someone you just met that day? :'''Anna''': Yeah. Anyway, I got mad, and so she got mad and then she tried to walk away and I grabbed her glove- :'''Kristoff''': Hang on. You mean to tell me you got engaged to someone you just met that day? :'''Anna''': Yes, pay attention! But the thing is, she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought, "Maybe she has a thing about dirt!" :'''Kristoff''': Didn't your parents ever warn you about strangers? :'''Anna''': Yes, they did. ''[scoots slightly to the edge of the seat]'' But Hans is not a stranger! :'''Kristoff''': Oh, yeah? What's his last name? :'''Anna''': ''[scoffs]'' Of-the-Southern-Isles! :'''Kristoff''': What's his favorite food? :'''Anna''': Sandwiches. :'''Kristoff''': Best friend's name? :'''Anna''': Probably John. :'''Kristoff''': Eye color? :'''Anna''': Dreamy. :'''Kristoff''': Foot size? :'''Anna''': Foot size doesn't matter! :'''Kristoff''': Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats? What if you hate the way he picks his nose? :'''Anna''': ''[disgusted]'' Picks his nose? :'''Kristoff''': And eats it. :'''Anna''': ''[annoyed]'' Excuse me, sir, he is a prince. :'''Kristoff''': All men do it. :'''Anna''': Ew! ''[scoffs]'' Look, it doesn't matter; it's true love. :'''Kristoff''': Doesn't sound like true love. :'''Anna''': Are you some sort of love expert? :'''Kristoff''': No, but I have friends who are. :'''Anna''': You have friends who are love experts? I'm not buying it. :''[Sven suddenly comes to a stop]'' :'''Kristoff''': Stop talking. :'''Anna''': No, no, no, no, no! I'd like to meet these- :'''Kristoff''': ''[covers Anna's mouth]'' No! I mean it. :'''Anna:''' Mmmph! Mmmph! :''[shoves his hand away from her mouth]'' :'''Kristoff:''' Shhh! ''[scans the area behind them with his lantern. He sees a pack of hungry wolves slowly approaching them]'' Sven, go. Go! :'''Anna''': What are they? :'''Kristoff''': Wolves! :'''Anna''': '''''Wolves?!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Olaf''': ''[his head on upside down]'' Wait, what am I looking at right now? Why are you hanging off the Earth like a bat? :'''Anna''': Alright, wait one second. ''[takes Olaf's head off and puts it on right side up]'' :'''Olaf''': Oh! Thank you. :'''Anna''': You're welcome. :'''Olaf''': Now I'm perfect! :'''Anna''': ''[smiles]'' Well, almost. :'''Olaf''': ''[to Kristoff]'' It was like my whole life got turned upside down. :'''Anna''': ''[grabs a carrot and tries to place it on Olaf's face tail first. It goes all the way through, expect for the tip]'' Oh! I'm sorry! :'''Olaf''': WHOOǃ Head rush! :'''Anna''': Are you okay? :'''Olaf''': Are you kidding me? I...am wonderful! I've always wanted a nose. It's so cute. It's like a little baby unicorn. ''[Anna pushes the carrot through Olaf's head]'' Oh, hey whoaǃ Oh, I love it even moreǃ Alright, let's start this thing over: Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf. And I like warm hugs. :'''Anna''': Olaf? ''[remembers]'' That's right! Olaf! :'''Olaf''': And you are...? :'''Anna''': Oh...I'm Anna. :'''Olaf''': ''[points to Kristoff]'' And who's the funky-looking [[w:donkey|donkey]] over there? :'''Anna''': ''[thinks Olaf is referring to Sven]'' That's Sven. :'''Olaf''': ''[points to Sven]'' Uh-huh. And who's the reindeer? :'''Anna''': ''[confused]'' Sven? :'''Olaf''': Oh, they're bo- Oh! Okay. Makes things easier for me. ''[Sven tries to bite Olaf's carrot nose]'' Whoa! Oh, look at him, trying to kiss my nose. I like you, too! :'''Anna''': Olaf. Did Elsa build you? :'''Olaf''': Yeah, why. :'''Anna''': Do you know where she is? :'''Kristoff''': Fascinating. :'''Olaf''': Yeah. Why? :'''Anna''': Do you think you can show us the way. :'''Olaf''': Yeah. Why? :'''Kristoff''': How does this work. Ow! :'''Olaf''': Stop it, Sven I'm trying to focus here. <hr width=50%> :'''Hans''': Do not question the princess. She left me in charge, and I will not hesitate to protect Arendalle from treason! :'''Duke''': T-T-Treason? :''[Anna's horse rushes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anna and Kristoff come across a rocky cliff]'' :'''Anna''': What now? :'''Kristoff''': Mm. It's too steep. I've only got one rope and you don't know how to climb mountains. :'''Anna''': Says who? :'''Kristoff''': ''[looks up to see Anna trying to climb up the rock face by herself]'' What are you doing? :'''Anna''': I'm...going....to see...my sister! :'''Kristoff''': You're gonna kill yourself. I wouldn't put my foot there. :'''Anna''': ''[her foot slips]'' You're distracting me! :'''Kristoff''': Or there. How do you know Elsa even wants to see you? :'''Anna''': Alright, I'm...I'm just blocking you out cause I've gotta concentrate here. ''[slips again]'' :'''Kristoff''': You know, most people who disappear into the mountains want to be alone. :'''Anna''': Nobody wants to be alone! Except maybe ''you''! :'''Kristoff''': I'm not alone! I have friends, remember? :'''Anna''': Ugh! You mean the love experts? :'''Kristoff''': Yes, the love experts. :'''Anna''': ''[finds a foothold for her left foot]'' Urgh! Please tell me I'm almost there! ''[the camera cuts to a wide angle to show that she's barely four feet off the ground; panting]'' Does the air seem a bit thin to you up here? :'''Kristoff''': ''[chuckles]'' Hang on. :'''Olaf''': Hey, Sven? ''[shows up]'' Not sure if this is gonna solve the problem, but I found a staircase that leads exactly where you want it to go. :'''Anna''': Ha-ha! Thank goodness! Catch! ''[jumps off and Kristoff catches her]'' Thanks! That was like a crazy trust exercise. <hr width=50%> :''[Anna steps up to the front doors of the ice palace]'' :'''Olaf''': Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? ''[to Kristoff]'' Do you think she doesn't know how to knock? :'''Anna''': ''[taps her fist on the door three times. The doors slowly open inwards]'' Ha! It opened! That's a first. ''[to Kristoff and Olaf]'' Oh, you should probably wait out here. :'''Kristoff''': What?! :'''Anna''': The last time I introduced her to a guy, she froze everything... :'''Kristoff''': But-But-Oh, come on! It's a palace made of ''ice''! Ice is ''my life''! :'''Olaf''': Bye, Sven! ''[starts to enter]'' :'''Anna''': ''[grabs Olaf by the arm]'' You too, Olaf. :'''Olaf''': What, me? :'''Anna''': Just give us a minute. :''[Kristoff sits on the top step, looking pretty dejected]'' :'''Olaf''': Okay. ''[starts counting]'' 1, 2, 3. :'''Both''': 4. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anna steps inside Elsa's ice castle. The doors shut behind her. She stares at her surroundings with a look of incredulity]'' :'''Anna''': Whoa. Elsa? It's me, Anna! Whoa! ''[slips, but stops herself from falling]'' :'''Elsa''': Anna? ''[appears at the top of the entry staircase, smiling warmly]'' :'''Anna''': ''[gazing at Elsa's ice dress]'' Whoa, Elsa, you look...different! It's a ''good'' different! And this place, it's-it's amazing! :'''Elsa''': Thank you. I never knew what I was capable of. :'''Anna''': ''[starts up the staircase]'' I'm so sorry about what happened. If I'd have known- :'''Elsa''': ''[backing away]'' No-no-no, it's okay. You-You don't have to apologize, but you should probably go. Please. :'''Anna''': But I just got here. :'''Elsa''': You belong down in Arendelle. :'''Anna''': So do you! :'''Elsa''': No, Anna, I belong ''here'', alone. Where I can be who I am...without hurting anybody. :'''Anna''': ''[grimaces]'' Actually, about that- :'''Olaf''': ''[off-screen]'' 58, 59, 60! :'''Elsa''': Wait. What is that? :'''Olaf''': ''[enters and runs across the entry foyer to stand next to Anna]'' Hi! I'm Olaf, and I like warm hugs! :'''Elsa''': ''[surprised]'' Olaf? :'''Olaf''': You built me! Remember that? :'''Elsa''': And you're alive? :'''Olaf''': Yeah, um...I think so? :''[Elsa takes a secondary look at her hands]'' :'''Anna''': ''[kneels down beside Olaf]'' He's just like the one we built as children. :'''Elsa''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah. :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa, we were so close. We can be like that again. :''[Elsa smiles, but suddenly the memory of her accidentally hurting Anna when she was 7 years old comes flashing back to her; she turns away]'' :'''Elsa''': No, we can't. Goodbye, Anna. ''[heads upstairs]'' :'''Anna:''' Elsa, wait! :'''Elsa:''' I'm just trying to protect you! :'''Anna:''' You don't have to protect me! I'm not afraid! <hr width=50%> :''[Elsa loses control of her powers; some of her magic hits Anna in the chest, and she clutches to her knees in agony. Elsa notices and gasps]'' :'''Kristoff''': Anna! Are you okay? :'''Anna''': ''[feeble]'' I'm okay...I'm fine. :'''Elsa''': Who's this? Wait, it doesn't matter. You have to go. :'''Anna''': No, I know we can figure this out, ''together!'' :'''Elsa''': How? What power do you have to stop this winter? To stop ''me?'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[as he notices ominous shadows starting to appear on the walls]'' Anna, I think we should go. :'''Anna''': No! I'm not leaving without you, Elsa! :'''Elsa''': ''[worried but firmly]'' Yes, you are. :''[She fires a blast of magic, creating Marshmallow]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Anna and Kristoff survive falling off a cliff to avoid Marshmallow]'' :'''Anna''': Hey, you were right. Just like a pillow. ''[giggles and sees Olaf panting]'' Olaf! :'''Olaf''': ''[shaking Kristoff's boots]'' I can't feel my legs! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! :'''Kristoff''': ''[pops from beneath the snow, coughing]'' Those are ''my'' legs. :'''Olaf''': ''[as his lower body runs by]'' Oh. Hey, do me a favor, grab my butt. ''[Kristoff grabs Olaf's lower body and puts the rest of him on top]'' Oh, that feels better. ''[Sven comes up to them and sniffs Olaf]'' Hey, Sven! ''[as Sven tries to bite off his nose]'' He found us. ''[hugs Sven's face and talks to him in a funny voice]'' Who's my cute little reindeer? :'''Kristoff''': ''[as he pushes Olaf away from Sven]'' Don't talk to him like that. :''[Olaf laughs off]'' :''[scene cuts back to the ice palace where the shadows on the walls are even more ominous and Elsa, While alone, Elsa stressfully attempts to control her powers, reverting her father's mantra]'' Get it together. Control it. Don't feel, don't feel, don't feel. Don't feel. ''[gasps]'' :''[Elsa's stress caused ice spikes to appear around inside the palace on the top level]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Kristoff leads the gang to a large pile of what seems to be rocks]'' :'''Kristoff''': Meet my family. ''[he and Sven walks toward the rocks]'' Hey, guys! :'''Anna''': ''[stunned]'' They're...rocks. :'''Kristoff''': ''[off in the distance]'' You are a sight for sore eyes. :'''Olaf''': ''[also stunned, whispers to Anna]'' He's ''crazy.'' :'''Kristoff''': Hey, whoa, I didn't recognize you; you've lost so much weight. :'''Olaf''': ''[whispers]'' I'll distract him while you run. ''[loud, slow voice to the rocks]'' Hi, Sven's family! It's nice to meet you. ''[whispers to Anna]'' Because I love you, Anna, I insist you run. ''[to the rocks again]'' I understand you're love experts. Ooh! ''[whispers to Anna]'' Why aren't you running?! :'''Anna''': Uh...okay, well, I'm gonna go. :'''Olaf''': Go. :'''Kristoff''': No, no, Anna, wait. <hr width=50%> :'''Soldier 1''': This way, this way! :'''Soldier 2''': Whoa! :'''Hans''': ''[to Elsa]'' Queen Elsa! Don't be the monster they fear you are! :''[panting, hearing the truth in Hans' words and realizing what would happen if she committed that behavior back in Arendelle, Elsa immediately stops her assault on the Duke's henchmen. The men pinned to the wall with icicles aims his crossbow at Elsa. Hans sees this and quickly deflects the arrow upwards away from Elsa which ends up slicing thru the icy chandelier tinkling it and falls, Elsa looks up and gasps so she quickly runs out of it's way but has the shattering fragments hitting her unconscious, high pitched whining as the screen cuts to black, Elsa wakes up with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, then she sees she's in a dungeon back in Arendelle, she runs towards the dungeon window and stops when she sees that her hands are chained and in shackles, she leans to the window and looks out of the window and sees that Arendelle is frozen over]'' :'''Elsa''': Oh no. What have I done. :''[Elsa gasps softly as Hans comes into the dungeon with a lantern and places it below the left side of the door]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[to Hans]'' Why did you bring me here? :'''Hans''': I couldn't just let them kill you. :'''Elsa''': But I'm in danger to Arendelle. Get Anna. :'''Hans''': Anna has not returned yet. If you would just stop the winter, bring back summer, please. :'''Elsa''': Don't you see? I can't. You'll have to tell them to let me go. :'''Hans''': I will do what I can. :'''Elsa''': ''[sighs heavily]'' :''[as she looks back at the shackles on her hands, they start to whiten to ice.] <hr width=50%> :'''Hans''': What happened out there? :'''Anna''': Elsa struck me with her powers. :'''Hans''': You said she'd never hurt you. :'''Anna''': I was wrong. :'''Hans''': Anna! :'''Anna''': She froze my heart and only an act of true love can save me. :'''Hans''': A true love kiss.''[he and a weakened Anna lean in to kiss. But then he stops and smiles maliciously, revealing his true nature]'' Oh, Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you. :'''Anna''': ''[shocked]'' What...? ''[turns to see him walking to a window]'' You said you did. :'''Hans''': ''[closing the curtains]'' As 13th in line in my own kingdom, I didn't stand a chance. I knew I'd have to marry into the throne somewhere... :'''Anna''': What are you talking about? :'''Hans''': ''[puts out a candle]'' As heir, Elsa was preferable, of course, but no one was getting anywhere with her. But you... :'''Anna''': Hans? :'''Hans''': You were so desperate for love, you were willing to marry me, just like that! ''[picks up a pitcher of water and goes to the fireplace]'' I figured after we married, I'd have to stage a little accident for Elsa. ''[pours water onto the fire, extinguishing it]'' :'''Anna''': ''[reaches out to stop him, but collapses onto the floor]'' Hans, no! Stop! :'''Hans''': But then she doomed herself, and you were dull enough to go after her. :'''Anna''': Please... :'''Hans''': ''[chuckles]'' All that's left now is to...kill Elsa and bring back summer. :'''Anna''': ''[angrily]'' You're no match for Elsa. :'''Hans''': No, ''you're'' no match for Elsa. I, on the other hand, am the hero ''[puts on his glove]'' who is going to save Arendelle from destruction. ''[walks to the door]'' :'''Anna''': ''[sternly and angrily; yet weakly]'' You won't get away with this! :'''Hans''': Oh... I already have. ''[leaves, locking the door behind him]'' :'''Anna''': ''[tries to open the door but is too weak as she continues to freeze]'' Please! Somebody help! Oh! ''[the rest of her hair turns white, she shivers]'' Please...Please... ''[crumbles down to the floor]'' :'''Duke''': It's getting colder by the minute. If we don't do something soon, we'll all freeze to death. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': Prince Hans. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' Princess Anna is...dead. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': What...? :'''Duke''': What happened to her? :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' She was killed by Queen Elsa. :'''Duke''': ''[shocked as well]'' No! Her own sister. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully]'' At least we got to say our marriage vows...before she died in my arms. :'''Duke''': ''[shocked as well]'' There can be no doubt now, ''[angrily]'' Queen Elsa is a monster and we are all in grave danger. :'''Spanish Ambassador''': Prince Hans, Arendelle looks to you. :'''Hans''': ''[tearfully; yet vengefully]'' With a heavy heart, I charge Queen Elsa of Arendelle with treason and sentence her to death. <hr width=50%> :''[As Anna is lying on the floor and freezing to death, Olaf starts a fire for her]'' :'''Anna''': Olaf, get away from there! :'''Olaf''': ''[amazed]'' Whoa! So, this is heat. I love it. ''[a piece of the fire flings onto his finger]'' Ooh, but don't touch it! ''[runs up to Anna and carries her to the fire]'' So, where's Hans? What happened to your kiss? :'''Anna''': I was wrong about him. It wasn't true love. :'''Olaf''': But we ran all the way here. :'''Anna''': Please, Olaf. You can't stay here. You'll melt. :'''Olaf''': I am not leaving here until we find some other act of true love to save you. ''[sits down next to Anna]'' Do you happen to have any ideas? :'''Anna''': I don't even know what love is. :'''Olaf''': That's okay. I do. ''[stroking Anna's shoulder]'' Love is...putting someone else's needs before yours, like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever. :'''Anna''': ''[surprised]'' Kristoff...''loves me?'' :'''Olaf''': ''[walks in front of Anna]'' Wow. You really ''don't'' know anything about love, do you? ''[his carrot nose begins to fall off his face, but he realigns it]'' :'''Anna''': Olaf, you're melting! :'''Olaf''': Some people are worth melting for. ''[Anna smiles, but then his head starts to melt. He grabs it just in time.]'' Just maybe not right this second. ''[the window opens]'' Ah! Don't worry I got it! <hr width=50%> :''[Hans catches up to Elsa in the storm on the frozen fjord]'' :'''Hans''': '''ELSA!''' YOU CAN'T RUN FROM THIS!! :'''Elsa''': Just take care of my sister! :'''Hans''': Your sister? She returned from the mountain weak and cold! She said that ''you'' froze her heart! :'''Elsa''': ''[shocked]'' No...! :'''Hans''': I tried to save her, but it was too late! Her skin was ice, her hair turned white! Your sister is dead... because of YOU! :'''Elsa''': ''[started to weep]'' No... ''[turns around and drops to the ground in grief; the blizzard stops]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Anna''': ''[whimpers]'' Kristoff? :'''Kristoff''': Anna. :''[Anna, very weak, struggles to move across the fjord. She suddenly hears the sound of a sword being drawn, and sees Hans approaching Elsa with his sword]'' :'''Anna''': ''[whimpers]'' Elsa? :''[Anna realizes Hans is about to kill Elsa, taking one last look at Kristoff, and uses her final ounce of strength to throw herself in front of Elsa]'' :'''Anna''': ''[screams]'' <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> :''[Anna freezes to solid ice, Hans' sword hits her fingers and the sword breaks and shatters, the brute force is enough to knock Hans out '''cold'''; Anna releases one last breath and Elsa gets up]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[looking up]'' Anna! ''[gets up and touches Anna's frozen face]'' Oh, Anna...No, no, please...No, please...No, please...No. ''[realizes what has happened, throws her arms around the frozen Anna, and begins to cry]'' :'''Olaf''': Anna...? :''[Kristoff, Sven, Olaf, and all of the dignitaries in Arendelle mourn over the death of Anna. Suddenly, Anna thaws and comes back to life, her hair returns to its normal color without the streak, first noticed by Olaf and Sven, the latter nudging Kristoff to it]'' :'''Elsa''': ''[surprised]'' Anna? :''[The sisters hug]'' :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa. :'''Elsa''': You sacrificed yourself for me? :'''Anna''': ''[smiles]'' I love you. :'''Olaf''': ''[gasps, realizing something]'' An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart! :'''Elsa''': ''[also realizing something]'' Love will thaw. Love. Of course! :'''Anna''': Elsa? :'''Elsa''': Love! ''[begins to thaw Arendelle with her magic ice powers]'' :''[All the snow around Arendelle began to melt faster, the clouds went away as the sun shines on the kingdom, and the ice melts into water, making all the boats and ships float again]'' :'''Anna''': ''[after Elsa brings back summer]'' I knew you could do it. :'''Olaf''': ''[as he begins to melt]'' Hands down, this is the best day of my life, and quite possibly the last. :'''Elsa''': Oh, Olaf! Hang on, little guy. ''[uses her magic to recreate Olaf and gives him a cloud that produces flurries]'' :'''Olaf''': ''[gasps]'' My own personal FLURRY! ''[giggles]'' :''[Hans, weakened, slowly gets up]'' :'''Anna''': ''[to Kristoff, as he moves to hit Hans for what he did to Anna]'' Ah, ah, ah! ''[walks to Hans]'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[to Anna]'' What's up? :'''Hans''': ''[shocked]'' Anna? But... she froze your heart! :'''Anna''': The only frozen heart around here is yours. ''[turns around, but whips around and punches Hans in the face, who falls into the water]'' :''[the dignitaries cheer and laugh over Hans' recompense]'' :'''German dignitary''': Wünderful! :'''Spanish dignitary''': Isn't that ''fantastico''? ''[chortles]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The ambassadors of their countries are sailing home from Arendelle. A guard from the French Ambassador tosses Hans inside a cabin and locks]'' :'''French Ambassador''': I shall take this scoundrel back to his hometown. We shall see what his 12 brothers think about his behavior. :'''Kai''': Arendelle thanks you, my lord. :'''Duke of Weselton''': ''[escorted to his ship with his two bodyguards by a troop of Arendellian soldiers]'' This is unacceptable! I am a victim of fear! I have been traumatized! ''[fakes a neck injury]'' Ah... My neck hurts... Is there a doctor that I can see? ''[sees no one listening to him]'' And it demand to see the queen! :'''Kai''': Oh, I have a message from the queen: "Arendelle will henceforth and forever no longer do business of any sort... with Weaseltown". :'''Duke of Weaselton''': ''[roughly escorted to his ship]'' Weaseltown! It's weaseltown! <hr width=50%> :''[Anna leads a blindfolded Kristoff to the dock, and then she takes off the blindfold, revealing a new sled, with a new lute in it]'' :'''Anna''': I owe you a sled. :'''Kristoff''': ''[surprised]'' Are you serious? :'''Anna''': ''[excited]'' '''YES!''' ''[normal]'' And it's the latest model. :'''Kristoff''': No, I can't accept this. :'''Anna''': You have to. No returns, no exchanges; Elsa's orders. She named you the official Arendelle Ice Master and Deliverer. :'''Kristoff''': What? That's not a thing. :'''Anna''': Oh, there it is. ''[about the sled]'' And it even has a cup holder. Do you like it? :'''Kristoff''': Like it? ''[happily picks up Anna and twirls her around]'' I love it ! I could kiss you! ''[puts Anna down, embarrassed]'' Uh-I could. I mean, I'd like to. I-May I? We me...May we? Wait, what? :'''Anna''': ''[kisses him on the cheek]'' We may. :''[She and Kristoff kiss]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elsa''': ''[to the citizens of Arendelle]'' Are you ready? :''[the citizens of Arendelle cheer in yes; Elsa stamps her foot on the cobblestones, and they freeze over along with the courtyard archways, Elsa freezes the fountains in mid-air with artistic designs, Elsa shoots up a flurry that bursts into a bunch of snowflakes like what she did when she and Anna were children]'' :''[everyone cheers and applaudes; Kai and one of the court ladies show off their ice-skating skills] :''unnamed staff lady'': ''[to Kai]'' Swing me. :''[Last lines]'' :'''Anna''': I like the open gates. :'''Elsa''': We are never closing them again. ''[makes skates on Anna's boots]'' :'''Anna''': Oh, Elsa, they're beautiful, but you know I don't skate. :'''Elsa''': Come on, you can do it! ''[pulls Anna across the ice]'' :'''Kristoff''': ''[skates by with Sven]'' Look out, reindeer coming through! :'''Anna''': ''[stumbling]'' I got it! I got it! Ooh! I don't got it! I don't got it! :'''Olaf''': ''[skates over to help Anna]'' Hey, guys! :'''Elsa''': That's it, Olaf. :'''Olaf''': Glide and pivot... and glide and pivot... and glide and pivot... == About ''Frozen'' == * It’s been overwhelming, the year. We still get YouTube sent to us. I mean, I got one just yesterday…It’s actually very funny. Um, so I just, It’s been overwhelming. It really has. Starting with the Reddit… Round table. Reddit round table is where a woman wrote in saying, um, that she was, uh, in a bad place and was gonna commit suicide, and saw Frozen and inspired by Elsa and, and her journey, and she said, and I’m still here. Thank you. So, you know, we’re overwhelmed by that. : There are autistic kids that watch Frozen that parents tell us they hadn’t… They don’t sit still for anything, and they watch Frozen, and they relate to Olaf. Um, just a few weeks ago, uh, a friend of ours working at a nursing home, and a senior citizen just, she wasn’t really [STAMMERS] She sort of internal and not doing much. And she watched Frozen. And then she started drawing again. ‘Cause she used to draw when she was younger. And she was drawing the Frozen characters. And just, and her husband was just so grateful she was coming back to life. So you get those are the stories that we go oh wow. And that’s how I think our life has changed. Sort of seeing what… We always knew that these films had some influence and power. But this one certainly I’ve never experienced anything like this. So you really do… * Well, our art director knew it would be a Scandinavian area. He was just going through books, and, he’d seen a lot of internet stuff too. He was posting all these pages on Scandinavia you know, beautiful scenery and architecture, and almost all the post-its were Norway. So he said okay. Well, you know, we needed our trip to Norway. Now we say that it’s set in Norway. But it helps to have something specific to kind of draw from. So it makes the world very believable. And there are ideas in Norway, we’d never have come up with on our own, the, the stave church, which was very beautiful. :* [[w:Chris Buck|Chris Buck]], [http://thefairytaletraveler.com/2015/03/11/exclusive-interview-frozen-directors/ "#FrozenFever #CinderellaEvent Exclusive Interview With Frozen Directors Jennifer Lee and Chris Buck"], by Christa Thompson, ''The Fairy Tale Traveler'', March 11, 2015. == Cast == * {{w|Kristen Bell}} - Anna * {{w|Idina Menzel}} - Elsa * {{w|Jonathan Groff}} - Kristoff * {{w|Josh Gad}} - Olaf * {{w|Santino Fontana}} - Prince Hans of the Southern Isles * {{w|Alan Tudyk}} - The Duke of Weselton * {{w|Ciarán Hinds}} - Pabbie the Troll King * [[w:Chris Williams (director)|Chris Williams]] - Oaken * {{w|Maia Wilson}} - Bulda * {{w|Maurice LaMarche}} - Agnarr * {{w|Evan Rachel Wood}} — Iduna ==Additional Voices== * {{w|Chris Williams (director)|Chris Williams}} * {{w|Stephanie Beatriz}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{Official website}} * {{IMDb title|2294629|Frozen}} * {{Amg movie|555200|Frozen}} * {{Mojo title|frozen2013|Frozen}} * {{Metacritic film|frozen-2013|Frozen}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|frozen_2013|Frozen}} * [http://www.disneyanimation.com/projects/frozen ''Frozen''] at {{w|Walt Disney Animation Studios}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2013 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2013 American animated films]] [[Category:Disney films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about trolls]] [[Category:Films set in Norway]] [[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about sisters]] [[Category:Frozen (franchise)]] [[Category:World record holders]] rarwz1gqblod54opbax1o2yhn4tfrg1 0 151798 3944268 3940711 2026-05-22T19:53:51Z AC9016 2870313 /* H */ 3944268 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Flag_of_Virginia.svg|thumb|All men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights... they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety. ~ [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|''Virginia Declaration of Rights'']]]] The '''[[w:Virginia|Commonwealth of Virginia]]''', also known as '''Virginia''', '''V-A''', or simply '''the Commonwealth''', is a [[w:U.S. state|U.S. state]] located in the [[w:South Atlantic States|South Atlantic region]] of the contiguous [[United States|United States of America]]. Virginia is nicknamed the "Old Dominion" due to its status as a former dominion of [[w:Kingdom of Great Britain|Great Britain]] and "Mother of Presidents" due to [[w:List of Presidents of the United States by home state#Places of birth|many U.S. presidents]] having been born there. {{center/s}}'''''Sic semper tyrannis'' (thus always to tyrants)'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Motto|motto]])</small>{{center/e}} __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == Quotes == [[File:Seal of Virginia.svg|thumb|Virginia is for lovers. ~ [[w:David N. Martin|David Martin]]]] [[File:The Governor&#039;s Palace -- Williamsburg (VA) September 2012.jpg|thumb|On the whole, I find nothing anywhere else... which Virginia need envy. ~ [[Thomas Jefferson]]]] [[File:Rotunda-dusk.jpg|thumb|Virginia, hail, all hail!<br>Virginia, hail, all hail!<br>~ John Albert Morrow]] [[File:Douthat Lake Douthat State Park Virginia USA.jpg|thumb|Douthat Lake at Douthat State Park, Millboro, VA]] [[File:Bear Creek Lake (9669510311).jpg|thumb|Bear Creek Lake at Bear Creek Lake State Park, Cumberland, VA]] [[File:BC FR 001croppd (16822686946).jpg|thumb|Road in Bear Creek Lake State Park, Cumberland, VA]] [[File:A Day By the Lake (31878341400).jpg|thumb|[[w:Douthat State Park|Douthat State Park]] was the first Virginia state park my family ever visited... We remember thinking that Virginians were very hospitable; we imagined it was the world-famous southern hospitality at work. It wasn't exactly what we had encountered growing up in northeast Ohio, where the pace of life seemed much faster and people were less considerate. ~ P.M. Elton]] [[File:POBeaverLakeObservationDeck (15653088505).jpg|thumb|Virginia puts on her prettiest colors to greet the seasons. In the fall, the colors of the leaves are lemon yellow, pumpkin gold, watermelon red, rusty oak, vermillion maple, burnt orange, and dusty green, and no two trees are the same. ~ Earl Hamner, Jr.]] [[File:St Christopher&#039;s School Richmond VA.JPG|thumb|Chamberlayne Hall at St. Christopher's School in Richmond, VA]] [[File:Venable Hall HSC.JPG|thumb|Venable Hall at Hampden-Sydney College in Hampden-Sydney, VA]] [[File:Langley High School.jpg|thumb|The distinctions between Virginians, Pennsylvanians, New Yorkers and New Englanders are no more. I am not a Virginian, but an American. ~ [[Patrick Henry]]]] [[File:Cabin road (6105921979).jpg|thumb|Cabin road in First Landing State Park, Virginia Beach, VA]] [[File:The Official State Visit of France (27831282458).jpg|thumb|Virginia was the first state which instructed her delegates to declare the colonies independent. She braved all dangers. From Quebec to Boston, and from Boston to Savannah, Virginia shed the blood of her sons. No imputation then can be cast upon her in this matter. ~ [[James Monroe]]]] [[File:ArlingtonCemetery.jpg|thumb|We must remember the Commonwealth's past mistakes in order to prevent them from recurring. ~ [[w:Mark Warner|Mark Warner]]]] [[File:Jepson School of Leadership Studies.jpg|thumb|Jepson Hall at the University of Richmond, Richmond, VA]] [[File:Monticello_2010-10-29.jpg|thumb|Modern Virginians departed from the teachings of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Fathers]]. ~ [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]]]] [[File:The_Pentagon_US_Department_of_Defense_building.jpg|thumb|The true purpose of all government is to promote the welfare and provide for the protection and security of the governed, and when any form or organization of government proves inadequate for, or subversive of this purpose, it is the right, it is the duty of the latter to alter or abolish it. The Bill of Rights of Virginia, framed in 1776, reaffirmed in 1860, and again in 1851, expressly reserves this right to the majority of her people, and the existing constitution does not confer upon the General Assembly the power to call a Convention to alter its provisions, or to change the relations of the Commonwealth, without the previously expressed consent of such majority. ~ [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling'']]] [[File:Virginia secession vote.jpg|thumb|The Convention thus called has not only abused the powers nominally entrusted to it, but, with the connivance and active aid of the executive, has usurped and exercised other powers, to the manifest injury of the people, which, if permitted, will inevitably subject them to a military despotism. ~ [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling'']]] [[File:Rose-Hill-view-va.jpg|thumb|Mountains near Rose Hill in Lee County]] [[File:Flag of Virginia (1861).svg|thumb|Christian quotes what the old Virginians said against slavery. True, but why didn't he quote what the modern Virginians said in favor of it? Mason, Hunter, Wise, etc. Why didn't he state that a Virginia senator, Mason, was the author of the Fugitive Slave Law, and why didn't he quote ''The Virginia Code'' that made it a crime to speak against slavery? ~ [[John S. Mosby]]]] ===A=== <!--*Of course, there were many reasons that white classification in 20th century Virginia was extremely beneficial. It meant access to better schools, homes. It meant, essentially, freedom. **Mikaela Adams, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/how-a-long-dead-white-supremacist-still-threatens-the-future-of-virginias-indian-tribes/2015/06/30/81be95f8-0fa4-11e5-adec-e82f8395c032_story.html ''The Washington Post''] (30 June 2015)--> *The decision came from what seemed to many white Virginians the unavoidable logic of the situation. Virginia was a slave state; [[Republican Party (United States)|the Republicans]] had announced their intention of limiting [[slavery]]. [[Slavery]] was protected by the sovereignty of the state. **[[w:Edward L. Ayers|Edward Ayers]], [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0393326012 ''In the Presence of Mine Enemies: The Civil War in the Heart of America 1859-1863''] (2003), p. 141 ===B=== * When we think about all the [[History of the United States|history]] that has occurred in Virginia, we become so overwhelmed that we have to lie down on the sofa and yell for somebody to bring us a cold [[beer]]. Virginia was the site of [[North America]]'s first permanent English colonist, James Town, as well as the first House of Burgesses, which was a house where they kept female burges. [[Tobacco]] was invented in Virginia, as well as [[George Washington]] and seven other [[President of the United States|U.S. presidents]]: [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]], [[James Monroe|Monroe]], [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]], [[James Madison|Madison]], Park, Lexington, and Third Avenue. The [[American Civil War|Civil War]] also occurred in Virginia in a number of national parks. Visitors may witness authentic demonstrations of all these events, as well as a reenactment of the discovery of the radial tire, at Colonial Williamsburg, where each day men and women wearing authentic eighteenth-century costumes attempt to scratch themselves without anybody noticing. "Dynamic" is a word we would like to include in this sentence. ** [[Dave Barry]], ''Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need'' (1991), New York: Fawcett Columbine, hardcover, p. 98-99 * They could be thinking: 'This is perhaps the second time in a month that people associated with the Tea Party have really hurt us and we need to rethink things'. At some point, the national Republican party needs to decide: 'Are we going to be a majority party or go to the right, stake out that ground and maybe never hold national office again. ** Craig Brians, as quoted in ''BBC News'', [http://wwwnews.live.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24751202 "Five reasons why the Virginia governor's race matters"] (4 November 2013), ''BBC'' * ''“Virginia?”'' he said, as if I had asked him if there was anywhere local we could get a dose of syphilis. ** [[Bill Bryson]], ''[[w:A Walk in the Woods (book)|A Walk in the Woods]]'' (1997), Chapter 8 * <p>Our nation is shocked and saddened by the news of the shootings at Virginia Tech today...</p><p>Schools should be places of safety, and sanctuary, and learning. When that sanctuary is violated, the impact is felt in every American classroom and every American community. Today our nation grieves with those who have lost loved ones at Virginia Tech. We hold the victims in our hearts; we lift them up in our prayers; and we ask a loving God to comfort those who are suffering today...</p><p>Laura and I have come to Blacksburg today with hearts full of sorrow. This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community -- and it is a day of sadness for our entire nation. We've come to express our sympathy. In this time of anguish, I hope you know that people all over this country are thinking about you, and asking God to provide comfort for all who have been affected.</p><p>Yesterday began like any other day. Students woke up, and they grabbed their backpacks and they headed for class. And soon the day took a dark turn, with students and faculty barricading themselves in classrooms and dormitories -- confused, terrified, and deeply worried. By the end of the morning, it was the worst day of violence on a college campus in American history -- and for many of you here today, it was the worst day of your lives.</p><p>It's impossible to make sense of such violence and suffering. Those whose lives were taken did nothing to deserve their fate. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now they're gone -- and they leave behind grieving families, and grieving classmates, and a grieving nation.</p> ** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9603915 statement on the massacre at Virginia Tech University from the Diplomatic Room of the White House] (17 April 2007) ===C=== * Carry me back to old Virginia; there let me live 'till I wither and decay. ** [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/07/28/dont-sing-along-with-susan-hathaway/#comment-48444 "Carry Me Back to Old Virginny"], former state song of Virginia * The prevailing Notion now is to Continue the most abject State of Slavery in this Common-Wealth... ** [[w:Robert Carter III|Robert Carter]], [http://www.brown.edu/Administration/News_Bureau/Databases/Encyclopedia/search.php?serial=M0100 letter to James Manning] (1786) * H to the izz-o, v to the izz-a. For shizzle my nizzle, used to dribble down in VA. ** [[w:Jay-Z|Shawn Carter]], "[[w:Izzo (H.O.V.A.)|Izzo]]" (2001), ''The Blueprint'' * Be it enacted by the General Assembly of Virginia:<br>1. That the Code of Virginia is amended by adding in Article 1 of Chapter 4 of Title 18.2 a section numbered 18.2-37.1 and by adding in Article 4 of Chapter 4 of Title 18.2 a section numbered 18.2-57.5 as follows:<br>§18.2-37.1. Certain matters not to constitute defenses.<br>A. Notwithstanding any other provision of law, the discovery of, perception of, or belief about another person's actual or perceived sex, gender, gender identity, or sexual orientation, whether or not accurate, is not a defense to any charge of capital murder, murder in the first degree, murder in the second degree, or voluntary manslaughter and is not provocation negating or excluding malice as an element of murder.<br>B. Nothing in this section shall be construed to prevent a defendant from exercising his constitutionally protected rights, including his right to call for evidence in his favor that is relevant and otherwise admissible in a criminal prosecution.<br>§18.2-57.5. Certain matters not to constitute defenses.<br>A. Notwithstanding any other provision of law, the discovery of, perception of, or belief about another person's actual or perceived sex, gender, gender identity, or sexual orientation, whether or not accurate, is not a defense to any charge brought under this article.<br>B. Nothing in this section shall be construed to prevent a defendant from exercising his constitutionally protected rights, including his right to call for evidence in his favor that is relevant and otherwise admissible in a criminal prosecution. ** Virginia House Bill 2132, introduced by Delegate Danica Roem, passed the State House 58-42 and the Virginia Senate 23-15 in February 2021, signed into law by Governor Ralph Northam on 31 March 2021, taking effect on 1 July 2021[https://legiscan.com/VA/text/HB2132/2021] * That all men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights, of which, when they enter into a state of [[society]], they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of [[life]] and [[liberty]], with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining [[happiness]] and [[safety]]. ** [http://constitution.legis.virginia.gov/ Constitution of the Commonwealth of Virginia] (1971) * In 1640, the very first [[Firearms regulation|gun control]] law ever enacted on these shores was passed in Virginia. It provided that blacks, even freemen, could not own [[Firearm|guns]]. ** [[w:Ann Coulter|Ann Coulter]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20120503013852/http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2012-04-18.html "Negroes With Guns"] (18 April 2012), ''Ann Coulter'' * I am no more a child, but a man; no longer a confederacy, but a nation. I am no more Virginia, New York, Carolina, or Massachusetts, but the United States of America. ** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Good Fight"] (1865) ===D=== * The true purpose of all government is to promote the welfare and provide for the protection and security of the governed, and when any form or organization of government proves inadequate for, or subversive of this purpose, it is the right, it is the duty of the latter to alter or abolish it. The [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|Bill of Rights of Virginia]], framed in 1776, reaffirmed in 1860, and again in 1851, expressly reserves this right to the majority of her people, and the existing constitution does not confer upon the [[w:Virginia General Assembly|General Assembly]] the power to call a Convention to alter its provisions, or to change the relations of the Commonwealth, without the previously expressed consent of such majority. The act of the General Assembly, calling the Convention which assembled at Richmond in February last, was therefore a usurpation; and the Convention thus called has not only abused the powers nominally entrusted to it, but, with the connivance and active aid of the executive, has usurped and exercised other powers, to the manifest injury of the people, which, if permitted, will inevitably subject them to a military despotism. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling''] (13 June 1861) * We, therefore the delegates here assembled in Convention to devise such measures and take such action as the safety and welfare of the loyal citizens of Virginia may demand, having mutually considered the premises, and viewing with great concern, the deplorable condition to which this once happy Commonwealth must be reduced, unless some regular adequate remedy is speedily adopted, and appealing to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for the rectitude of our intentions, do hereby, in the name and on the behalf of the good people of Virginia, solemnly declare, that the preservation of their dearest rights and liberties and their security in person and property, imperatively demand the reorganization of the government of the Commonwealth, and that all acts of said Convention and Executive, tending to separate this Commonwealth from the United States, or to levy and carry on war against them, are without authority and void; and the offices of all who adhere to the said Convention and Executive, whether legislative, executive or judicial, are vacated. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20030314033146/http://www.wvculture.org/history/statehood/declaration.html ''Declaration of the People of Virginia Represented in Convention at Wheeling''] (13 June 1861) * The State of Virginia is famous in American annals for the multitudinous array of her statesmen and heroes. She has been dignified by some the mother of statesmen. History has not been sparing in recording their names, or in blazoning their deeds. Her high position in this respect, has given her an enviable distinction among her sister States. With Virginia for his birth-place, even a man of ordinary parts, on account of the general partiality for her sons, easily rises to eminent stations. Men, not great enough to attract special attention in their native States, have, like a certain distinguished citizen in the State of New York, sighed and repined that they were not born in Virginia. ** [[Frederick Douglass]], ''{{w|The Heroic Slave}}'', published in ''Autographs for Freedom'', edited by {{w|Julia Griffiths}}, Cleveland: {{w|John P. Jewett & Company}}, 1853 ===E=== * [[w:Douthat State Park|Douthat State Park]] was the first Virginia state park my family ever visited. The year was 1986 and our boys were two and five years old. We camped in a small tent in a beautiful lakeside site with a panoramic view of Douthat Lake. That first visit was a fun and inspiration one and we were camped next to an older couple from [[w:Christiansburg, Virginia|Christiansburg]]. They took an interest in our boys and shared with us homemade jam and local honey. We remember thinking that Virginians were very hospitable; we imagined it was the world-famous southern hospitality at work. It wasn't exactly what we had encountered growing up in northeast [[Ohio]], where the pace of life seemed much faster and people were less considerate. ** P.M. Elton, ''Ghostly Tales of Virginia State Parks'' (2015), p. 40 * Douthat was also one of the first parks to offer electricity to its customers. The first cabins had a coin-activated system: put in a dime, turn the knob and the power was on, and the lights showcased the beautiful timber-and-stone craftsmanship. This would have been a pretty amazing experience for many people in the 1930s. Some areas of the Commonwealth didn't get electric power until after [[World War II]]. Originally the power came from a local hydroelectric project, one of the first in the region. ** P.M. Elton, ''Ghostly Tales of Virginia State Parks'' (2015), p. 42 * [[w:Hungry Mother State Park|Hungry Mother State Park]] was officially announced as Southwest Virginia State Park, but somehow the original name stuck, despite the protests of the local citizenry. Author Mack H. Sturgill has painstakingly detailed the history and development of Hungry Mother State Park. After considerable research, Mr. Sturgill is of the belief that the park name was a publicity stunt created by slightly inebriated men who devised a public relations campaign to enhance the local economy. In Sturgill's words, "The naming of the park and the accompanying legend seems to be a case of putting an old tale in a new bottle with a provocative label." Marketing ploy or not, the famed name (and its corresponding legend) lives on today. ** P.M. Elton, ''Ghostly Tales of Virginia State Parks'' (2015), p. 55 ===G=== *The spirit of liberty that had been so invigorated by the events of the 1770s did manifest itself in a number of important measures affecting the status of America's slaves. In 1777 the constitution for the new state of [[Vermont]] completely abolished slavery, and Massachusetts soon followed suit. Many other Northern states, such as [[Pennsylvania]] in 1780, adopted legislation aimed at gradual emancipation during this period, although it was not until 1804 that [[New Jersey]] finally enacted a similar law. Not surprisingly, in the South anti-slavery gains were much more modest. But three [[Southern United States|Southern states]], including Virginia in 1782, passed laws that made it possible for owners to manumit their slaves. It was the provisions of this law that Washington had to respect in formulating the manumission plan outlined in his will. **[https://web.archive.org/web/20080401121447/http://www.historynet.com/george-washington-his-troubles-with-slavery.htm "George Washington: His Troubles With Slavery"] (12 June 2006), ''HistoryNet''. *Sir, the great question which is now uprooting [[Federal government of the United States|this Government]] to its foundation, the great question which underlies all our deliberations here, is the question of African slavery. **[[w:Thomas F. Goode|Thomas Goode]], speech to the Virginia Secession Convention (28 March 1861), volume II, p. 518. *April 7, 1865. General [[Robert E. Lee|R. E. Lee]], the result of the last week must convince you of the hopelessness of further resistance on the part of the Army of Northern Virginia in this struggle. I feel that it is so, and regard it as my duty to shift from myself the responsibility of any further effusion of blood, by asking of you the surrender of that portion of the C.S. Army known as the Army of Northern Virginia. U.S. Grant, Lieutenant-General. **[[Ulysses S. Grant]], [https://www.facebook.com/SUVCW/posts/783255298389995 letter to Robert E. Lee] (7 April 1865).<!--http://news.investors.com/management-leaders-and-success/040815-746932-ulysses-grant-won-war-and-peace.htm?ven=rss&p=2--> * Incontestably what runs Virginia is the Byrd machine, the most urbane and genteel [[dictatorship]] in America. A real machine it is, though Senator [[w:Harry Flood Byrd|Harry Flood Byrd]] himself faced more opposition in 1946 than at any time in his long, suave, and distinguished public career. Virginia is, of course, "the mother of states"; it is one of four in the union to call itself a commonwealth, and it has produced eight presidents, more than any other state. Its history goes back to Jamestown, the first [[European colonization of the Americas|Anglo-Saxon settlement in America]], in 1607; the colony was named for Elizabeth, the virgin queen, and its citizens established an effective representative government several years before the [[w:Puritans|Puritans]] in New England. Ever since it has prided itself on aristocratic tradition, a seasoned attitude toward public life, administrative decency, and firm attachment to the regime of law. Virginia breeds no [[Huey Long]]s or [[w:Herman Talmadge|Talmadges]]; its respect for the forms of order is deeply engrained. One subsidiary point is that Virginians, it seems, were not so philoprogenitive as their New England counterparts. Boston, as we know, choked with [[w:Cabot family|Cabots]], [[w:Adams political family|Adamses]], and [[w:Lowell family|Lowells]]. But there are no Washingtons in Richmond; [[George Washington]], as a matter of fact, left no children. [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] had direct descendants, but none with the name Jefferson play any consequential role in Virginia life today. There are no [[James Madison|Madisons]], [[James Monroe|Monroes]], descendants of [[John Marshall]] or [[Patrick Henry]], or even Lees, in the contemporary political arena. ** [[John Gunther]], ''Inside U.S.A.'' (1947), p. 705 ===H=== * Virginia puts on her prettiest colors to greet the seasons. In the fall, the colors of the leaves are lemon yellow, pumpkin gold, watermelon red, rusty oak, vermillion maple, burnt orange, and dusty green, and no two trees are the same. ** Earl Hamner, Jr., as quoted by Lynn Seldon in ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'' (2000), 2nd edition, p. 113 * Started in [[Atlanta]], then I spread out with it. [[South Carolina]], [[Alabama]], [[Mississippi]]. On to [[North Carolina]], [[Philadelphia]], and Virginia. From down in [[Miami]] where it's [[Warmness|warm]] in the [[winter]]. On up to [[Minnesota]] where it [[Storm|storms]] in the [[winter]]. ** [[w:T.I.|Clifford Harris]], [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/djkhaled/wetakinover.html "We Takin' Over"] * Red-Cloud Owen grew up in New York, but he spent his summers in Virginia with his cousins and other members of the tribe. At 15, he moved to Virginia so that he could attend an all-Indian school. He decided to stay for good, but his mother would never return to live in Virginia again. She died in 1974. Before she died, however, she made a request, Red-Cloud Owen says. She wanted to be buried in the [[w:Chickahominy people|Chickahominy]] tribal cemetery, next to the tribal center and near the small town where she grew up and knew the name of everyone and every tree. Buried in Virginia. Buried as an Indian. ** Joe Heim, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/how-a-long-dead-white-supremacist-still-threatens-the-future-of-virginias-indian-tribes/2015/06/30/81be95f8-0fa4-11e5-adec-e82f8395c032_story.html ''The Washington Post''] (30 June 2015) * Few decades in American history have been as momentous as the 1930s. In the Depression and the New Deal, historians have located the watersheds from which the domestic policies of the United States for the next two decades have emanated. There is hardly a social, political, or economic happening of our present age which does not have a relevant origin in the thirties. However, the impact of these events was not equally strong everywhere; this was particularly true in Virginia, where a peculiar set of conditions moderated the influence of both depression and New Deal.<br>Writing the history of Virginia in the 1930s requires a tolerance for ambiguity. The Depression was severe in the state, yet mild when compared to its impact elsewhere. New Deal programs benefited thousands of Virginians at the time, yet their enduring effect was minimal. Old Dominion voters gave Franklin Roosevelt landslide victories, yet returned his most vociferous critics, Harry Byrd and Carter Glass, to the Senate with even greater majorities. These parodoxes may be explained by factors that have continually insulated the state from external forces and maintained the status quo- a spirit of traditionalism, a balanced economy, and political conservatism. ** Ronald L. Heinemann, ''Depression and New Deal in Virginia: The Enduring Dominion'' (1983), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. ix * While the resistance of the Old Dominion political hierarchy to the New Deal is well known, the support given President Roosevelt and his programs by the ordinary citizens of the state- farmers, blue-collar workers, and the unemployed- is less well documented. Consideration of both viewpoints is necessary in any assessment of the activity of the New Deal. Similarly, Virginia's conservative political climate cannot be cited as the single cause of the New Deal "failure" in the state. Economic considerations, notably the relative mildness of the Depression, inhibited the penetration of federal programs as well. Although Virginia's reaction to the crises of the thirties was not necessarily unique (statistical data indicate that neighboring Maryland and North Carolina responded in a similar fashion to the Depression), few states seemed to have changed so little during the decae as the Old Dominion. ** Ronald L. Heinemann, ''Depression and New Deal in Virginia: The Enduring Dominion'' (1983), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. x * The distinctions between Virginians, Pennsylvanians, New Yorkers and New Englanders are no more. I am not a Virginian, but an American. ** [[Patrick Henry]], speech in the First Continental Congress, Philadelphia (14 October 1774). Compare: "I was born an American; I will live an American; I shall die an American!", [[Daniel Webster]], Speech, July 17, 1850 * Virginia is a beautiful state, with almost one-third of its area protected in state or national forests or parks. Virginia has barrier islands, seacost, coastal plains, piedmont, mountains, and valleys. Throughout the state are historic buildings and battlefields. The first settlers encountered [[w:Powhatan|Powhatan]] Indians, members of the [[w:Algonquin peoples|Algonquin Nation]]. As settlers moved westward and northward, they met other tribes as well. Some of the most beautiful place-names in Virginia, such as Shenandoah and Chesapeake, come from Native American words. Today, two tribes still own reservations in King William County, the [[w:Mattaponi|Mattaponi]] and the [[w:Pamunkey|Pamunkey]]. In [[James I of England|King James I]]'s original land grant to the London Company in 1609, the territory of Virginia stretched north and south of Point Comfort on the Atlantic Ocean for 200 miles, then west and northwest to the Pacific Ocean, encompassing three-quarters of the present United States and much of what is now [[Canada]]. After England relinquished the area west of the Mississippi in 1763, Virginia still included territory northwest to the Great Lakes. Virginia gave up claims to this vast Northwest Territory when it joined the other former colonies to establish the United States of America. ** Emilee Hines, ''It Happened In Virginia'' (2010), second edition, p. vii * Geologically, Virginia has some unusual formations- the Natural Bridge, Natural Tunnel, and Natural Chimneys- where ancient seas once washed and shaped the limestone. In [[w:Fairy Stone State Park|Fairystone State Park]] in Henry County, crystals in petrified wood have produced small crosses that are used as jewelry. Virginia has iron ore at Ferrum, bauxite at various locations, and huge deposits of coal in its western mountains. Until the [[California]] [[California Gold Rush|gold strike]] in 1849, Virginia's Goochland and Buckingham Counties were America's leading producers of [[gold]]. Both the [[American Revolution|Revolutionary War]] and the [[American Civil War|Civil War]] were fought extensively in Virginia, and the surrenders that ended both these wars took place here. Although Virginia is considered a conservative state and was the capital of the [[Confederate States of America|Confederacy]], Virginia voters in 1989 elected the first [[African American|African-American]] governor, [[w:Douglas Wilder|L. Douglas Wilder]]. The history of Old Dominion is colorful and dramatic. ** Emilee Hines, ''It Happened In Virginia'' (2010), second edition, p. vii-viii * [[w:Yorktown, Virginia|Yorktown, Virginia]] is a small, quiet town today. The only indications of its past importance are the Victory Monument, the visitors' center, and the cannons by the river pointing at the earthworks where an empire was lost and won. ** Emilee Hines, ''It Happened In Virginia'' (2010), second edition, p. 43 ===J=== * VA? Now, that sounds great. ** [[50 Cent|Curtis Jackson]], "Ski Mask Way" (2005), ''The Massacre'' * '''On the whole, I find nothing anywhere else... which Virginia need envy.''' ** Thomas Jefferson, as quoted by Lynn Seldon in ''Country Roads of Virginia: Drives, Day Trips, and Weekend Excursions'' (1999), p. xi ===L=== * These people were of all races, colors, and creeds.&nbsp; [[French Colonial Empire|French]] were in the north and in the Carolinas.&nbsp; [[Dutch Empire|Dutch]] had built the town on [[Manhattan (borough)|Manhattan]] island, and their patroons' estates in the Hudson valley; now they were building their own cabins in the Mohawk Indian country that is now New York State.&nbsp; [[Germans]] had settled in the [[New Jersey|Jerseys]] and in the far west, beyond [[Philadelphia]].&nbsp; Germans and [[Ulster|Scotch-Irish]] were climbing the Carolina mountains; [[Swedes]] were in [[Delaware]], [[English people|English]] and [[French people|French]] and [[Dutch people|Dutch]] and [[Irish people|Irish]] were settled in [[Massachusetts]], the [[New Hampshire]] Grants, [[Connecticut]], and Virginia.&nbsp; Mingled with all these were [[Italians]], [[Portugal|Portuguese]], [[Finns]], [[Arabs]], [[Armenians]], [[Russians]], [[Greeks]], and [[Black people|Africans]] from a dozen very different [[Africa|African]] peoples and cultures.&nbsp; Black, brown, yellow and white, all these peoples were some of them free and some of them [[Slavery in the United States|slaves]].&nbsp; Also they were intermarried with the [[Native Americans in the United States|American Indians]]. ** [[Rose Wilder Lane]], §1 of "The Third Attempt," ch. V of Pt. Two of ''[https://mises.org/library/discovery-freedom The Discovery of Freedom: Man's Struggle Against Authority]'' (New York: The John Day Company, 1943), pp. 153–154. *Save for defense of my native state, I never desire again to draw my sword. ** [[Robert E. Lee]], as quoted in letter to General [[Winfield Scott]] (20 April 1861); as quoted in ''Personal Reminiscences, Anecdotes, and Letters of Gen. Robert E. Lee'' (1875) by John William Jones, p. 139, after turning down an offer by U.S. President [[Abraham Lincoln]] of supreme command of the [[United States Army]] * I, [[Robert E. Lee]] of [[w:Lexington, Virginia|Lexington, Virginia]] do solemn, in the presence of Almighty [[God]], that I will henceforth faithfully support, protect and defend the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] of the [[United States]], [[Union (United States)|the Union]] of the [[State]]s thereafter, and that I will, in like manner, abide by and faithful support all [[law]]s and proclamations which have been made during the existing [[rebellion]] with reference to the emancipation of [[Slavery|slaves]], so help me [[God]]. ** [[Robert E. Lee]], [http://www.archives.gov/global-pages/larger-image.html?i=/publications/prologue/2005/spring/images/lee-amnesty-l.jpg&c=/publications/prologue/2005/spring/images/lee-amnesty.caption.html amnesty oath to the United States] (2 October 1865) * [[Robert E. Lee|I]] think it would be better for [[w:Virginia|Virginia]] if she could get rid of [[African Americans|them]]... I think it would be for the benefit of Virginia. ** [[Robert E. Lee]], testimony to the Joint Congressional Committee on Reconstruction (17 February 1866), responding to a question on relocating freed slaves to other states, as quoted in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=dUgWAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false Report of the Joint Committee on Reconstruction at the First Session Thirty-Ninth Congress]'' (Washington, D.C.: Government Printing Office, 1866), pp. 135-6 * I am rejoiced that slavery is abolished. I believe it will be greatly for the interests of the south. So fully am I satisfied of this, as regards Virginia especially, that I would cheerfully have lost all I have lost by [[American Civil War|the war]], and have suffered all I have suffered, to have this object attained. ** [[Robert E. Lee]], statement to John Leyburn (1 May 1870), as quoted in ''R. E. Lee : A Biography'' (1934) by Douglas Southall Freeman * In 2021, Virginia became the first and only Southern state to pass a law amending the Code of Virginia to curtail the use and effectiveness of the LGBTQ+ "panic" defense. The law defines circumstances that do not mitigate a homicide. Specifically, it states that "notwithstanding any other provision of law, the discovery of, perception of, or belief about another person's actual or perceived sex, gender, gender identity, or sexual orientation, whether or not accurate, is not a defense to any charge of capital murder, murder in the first degree, murder in the second degree, or voluntary manslaughter and is not provocation negating malice as an element of murder." ** LGBTQ+ Bar[https://lgbtqbar.org/programs/advocacy/gay-trans-panic-defense/gay-trans-panic-defense-legislation/] * The people of Virginia have thus allowed this giant insurrection to make its nest within her borders, and this Government has no choice left but to deal with it where it finds it; and it has the less regret, as the loyal citizens have in due form claimed its protection. Those loyal citizens this Government is bound to recognize and protect, as being Virginia. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [http://millercenter.org/president/speeches/speech-3508 message to the U.S. Congress] (4 July 1861) ===M=== * '''On a view of all circumstances I have judged it most prudent not to force Billey back to Virginia even if it could be done'''; and have accordingly taken measures for his final separation from me. I am persuaded his mind is too thoroughly tainted to be a fit companion for fellow slaves in Virginia. The laws here do not admit of his being sold for more than 7 years. '''I do not expect to get near the worth of him; but cannot think of punishing him by transportation merely for coveting that liberty for which we have paid the prices of so much blood, and have proclaimed so often to be the right, and worthy the pursuit of every human being'''. ** [[James Madison]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=-IrnXiH2lbAC&pg=PA11&dq=%22Madison%22+%22coveting+that+liberty+for+which+we+have+paid%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CCYQ6AEwAGoVChMI_ab6o9vWxwIVCmg-Ch1jIgiE#v=onepage&q=%22Madison%22%20%22coveting%20that%20liberty%20for%20which%20we%20have%20paid%22&f=false letter to James Madison, Sr.] (8 September 1783) * Virginia is for lovers. ** [[w:David N. Martin|David Martin]], ''[[w:Virginia is for Lovers|Virginia is for Lovers]]'' (1969) * I have never doubted what [[w:Virginia in the American Civil War|Virginia]] would do when the alternatives present themselves to her intelligent and gallant people, to choose between an association with her sisters and the dominion of a people, who have chosen [[Abraham Lincoln|their leader]] upon the single idea that the African is equal to the [[Anglo-Saxons|Anglo-Saxon]], and with the purpose of placing our slaves on equality with ourselves and our friends of every condition! and if we of South Carolina have aided in your deliverance from tyranny and degradation, as you suppose, it will only the more assure us that we have performed our duty to ourselves and our sisters in taking the first decided step to preserve an inheritance left us by an ancestry whose spirit would forbid its being tarnished by assassins. We, of [[South Carolina]], hope soon to greet you in a Southern Confederacy, where [[White man|white men]] shall rule our destinies, and from which we may transmit to our posterity the rights, privileges, and honor left us by our ancestors. ** [[w:John McQueen|John McQueen]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20150325131513/http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A2006.05.0178%3Aarticle%3Dpos%3D47 ''Correspondence to T. T. Cropper and J. R. Crenshaw''] (24 December 1860), Washington, D.C., as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20110321183207/http://www.civilwar.org/education/history/civil-war-overview/why-non-slaveholding.html "Why Non-Slaveholding Southeners Fought"] (25 January 2011), by Gordon Rhea, ''Civil War Trust'' * What was the origin of our slave population? The evil commenced when we were in our Colonial state, but acts were passed by our Colonial Legislature, prohibiting the importation, of more slaves, into the [[Colony]]. These were rejected by the Crown. We declared our independence, and the prohibition of a further importation was among the first acts of state sovereignty. Virginia was the first state which instructed her delegates to declare the colonies independent. She braved all dangers. From [[Quebec]] to [[Boston]], and from Boston to Savannah, Virginia shed the blood of her sons. No imputation then can be cast upon her in this matter. She did all that was in her power to do, to prevent the extension of [[Slavery in the United States|slavery]], and to mitigate its evils. ** [[James Monroe]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=R9ctAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA78&dq=%22The+evil+commenced+when+we+were+in+our+Colonial+state%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CD8Q6AEwBmoVChMIwM7FxfHTxwIViPM-Ch3fiQrs#v=onepage&q=%22The%20evil%20commenced%20when%20we%20were%20in%20our%20Colonial%20state%22&f=false speech in the Virginia State Convention for altering the Constitution] (2 November 1829) * '''Virginia, hail, all hail! Virginia, hail, all hail!''' ** John Albert Morrow, "Virginia, Hail, All Hail," alma mater of the University of Virginia, melody and lyrics written in 1921 and utilized ever since by UVA's Glee Club. * There was more vindictiveness shown to me by the [[w:Virginia|Virginia]] people for my voting for [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]] than the North showed to me for fighting four years against him. ** [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20131212125935/http://www.gilderlehrman.org/collections/7cef7543-4137-40eb-9a58-793456309337 letter to Samuel "Sam" Chapman] (9 May 1907), Washington, D.C. * I wrote you about my disgust at reading the Reunion speeches. It has since been increased by reading [[w:George Llewellyn Christian|Christian]]'s report. I am certainly glad I wasn't there. According to Christian, the Virginia people were the abolitionists and the Northern people were pro-slavery. He says slavery was 'a patriarchal' institution. So were polygamy and circumcision. Ask Hugh if he has been circumcised. Christian quotes what the Old Virginians said against slavery. True; but why didn't he quote what the modern Virginians said in favor of it? Mason, Hunter, Wise, etc. Why didn't he state that a Virginia senator, Mason, was the author of the Fugitive Slave Law, and why didn't he quote The Virginia Code that made it a crime to speak against slavery? ** [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel "Sam" Chapman] (4 June 1907) * [[w:Confederate States of America|The South]] went to war on account of slavery. [[w:South Carolina|South Carolina]] went to war, as she said in her secession proclamation, because slavery would not be secure under [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]. [[South Carolina]] ought to know what was the cause for her seceding. The truth is the modern Virginians departed from the teachings of the [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Fathers]]. ** [[John S. Mosby|John Mosby]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20131112054334/https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/reconstruction/resources/former-confederate-officer-slavery-and-civil-war-1907 letter to Samuel "Sam" Chapman] (4 June 1907) ===P=== * [[John Brown (abolitionist)|He]] captured [[w:Harper's Ferry|Harper's Ferry]], with his nineteen men so few, and frightened 'Old Virginny' till she trembled through and through. They hung him for a traitor, they themselves the traitor crew. But, his soul is marching on. ** [[w:William Weston Patton|William Patton]], "[[w:John Brown's Body|John Brown's Body]]" (1861) ===R=== * The Korean people and I were horribly shocked and deeply saddened at the tragic incident two days ago at Virginia Tech in the United States. I pray for the repose of the souls of the victims and express my wholehearted sympathy to the wounded, the bereaved families and the American people. In addition, I hope that Americans will overcome this great sorrow and difficulties and will regain peace of mind as soon as possible. ** [[w:Roh Moo-hyun|Moo-hyun Roh]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20070927231031/http://english.president.go.kr/cwd/en/archive/archive_view.php?m_def=2&ss_def=1&meta_id=en_speeches&id=31561c9d6fb66ec7b7a5d8d1 "President Says His Heart Goes to Victims, Families"] (April 2007) * Three centuries have passed since, '''with the settlements on the coasts of Virginia and Massachusetts, the real history of what is now the [[United States]] began'''. All this we ultimately owe to the action of an Italian seaman in the service of a Spanish King and a Spanish Queen. It is eminently fitting that one of the largest and most influential social organizations of this great Republic, '''[[United States|a republic in which the tongue is English, and the blood derived from many sources]]''', should, in its name, commemorate the great Italian. It is eminently fitting to make an address on Americanism. ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], [https://archive.org/stream/immigrationameri00daviuoft/immigrationameri00daviuoft_djvu.txt "Address to the Knights of Columbus"] (12 October 1915) * Even though the [Virginian] state had slaves, the Founders proclaimed all men had equal rights. ** [[w:Erik S. Root|Erik Root]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=9ZFI2j99ZFkC&pg=PA90&dq=%22The+evil+commenced+when+we+were+in+our+Colonial+state%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CDQQ6AEwBGoVChMI7r2kuPLTxwIVxDM-Ch1KNgzw#v=onepage&q=%22The%20evil%20commenced%20when%20we%20were%20in%20our%20Colonial%20state%22&f=false ''All Honor to Jefferson''], p. 90 ===S=== * Episcopal saw itself as part of Old Virginia. If the country was a chessboard, Virginia was the white queen, the most important state in the nation, the home of [[President of the United States|presidents]]. As a child, I memorized every president in order as a kind of parlor trick. My dad had given me three-inch white figurines of each president, and I could perform on command, placing them in chronological order. Asked to choose my favorites, I picked, in order, [[George Washington|Washington]], [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]], [[James Madison|Madison]], [[James Monroe|Monroe]]. Four of the first five presidents were from Virginia. (I would never pick [[John Adams]] from Massachusetts.) I knew more Virginia trivia. The [[American Revolution]] ended with the American victory at Yorktown- in Virginia. The Old Dominion hosted more Civil War battles than any other state. First again. I knew that Virginia was so far and away the best, but a Virginian would never say that. Boasting? That was for [[Texas|Texans]]. One writer described the Virginia state of mind five years before I was born as a "regal humility" or a mystique "rooted in instincts of graciousness, chivalry, generosity and a benevolent aristocratic idealism, all attributes of the plantation society." ** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 45 * Today, the more I learn about [[Racial segregation|segregation]] and the [[Jim Crow laws|Jim Crow]] system in Virginia, the more I agree with the great Virginia civil rights lawyer [[w:Oliver_W._Hill_Sr.,|Oliver W. Hill Sr.,]] a law partner with Samuel Tucker. Hill found a better way to explain the "Virginia way of life" that helped form me. In 1985, he described life for southern [[African American]] citizens during the Jim Crow era: "Virginia and the whole South were [[Police state|police states]]. There isn't a question about that. Negroes didn't serve on juries... You saw no [[Black people|blacks]] in places like city hall, or public buildings, unless, maybe an elevator operator or janitor. And that's the way it was." If the Virginia of my youth was no [[democracy]], if I call a plantation an enslaved labor farm, then I should also call segregated Virginia by its true name- a racial police state. To be clear, the South of my birth was no democracy. ** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 72 * I wanted to be a Virginia gentleman, not a [[Lawyers|lawyer]], not a [[Teachers|teacher]], not a [[Businessperson|businessman]], and certainly not an [[United States Army|army]] officer. Those were all careers, professions, jobs. I wanted to be a gentleman. That meant something to a white boy growing up in the South. A gentleman meant honor, chivalry, and good manners. It meant status. ** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 107 * Maybe my wife is right. Alexandria might be a [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] suburb now. And that leaves me hopeful. Yet my white southern roots know that beneath the veneer of civility lurks a dark past of slavery, segregation, and white supremacy. Maybe we are both right. Alexandria is both southern and not so southern, trying to shed its glorification of the Confederate cause incrementally. I understand. We find it hard to confront our past because it's so ugly, but the alternative to ignoring our racist history is creating a racist future. ** Ty Seidule, ''Robert E. Lee and Me: A Southerner's Reckoning with the Myth of the Lost Cause'' (2020), p. 73 * The popular tourism slogan "Virginia Is for Lovers" has so many meanings to me. It certainly has meant love in the traditional sense: I fell deeply in love and got married in the Old Dominion. But the slogan also means a love of everything the state has to offer. There's a lot to love: the history, the southern charm of the people and places, the mountains, the water, the big cities, the small towns, and the many country roads. I was born and raised in Virginia and have lived in the state for all but six years of my life, when I was in the U.S. Army. My army time gave me a wanderlust that led to a career of travel. I'm a travel writer and photographer by trade and roam the world in search of a good story. But there's nothing better than roaming my own state on a country road. ** Lynn Seldon, ''Country Roads of Virginia: Drives, Day Trips, and Weekend Excursions'' (1999), 2nd edition, p. ix * "Virginia is for lovers"- of weekends. There's a lot to love: the history, the southern charm of the people and places, the mountains, the water, the big cities, and the small towns. All of this makes for many great weekend options. I was born and raised in Virginia and have lived in the state most of my life. My Army time gave me a wanderlust that led to a career of travel. I'm a travel writer and photographer by trade and roam the world in search of a good story. But there's nothing better than a weekend spent in Virginia. ** Lynn Seldon, ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'' (2000), 2nd edition, p. xi * Richmond is a city rich with tradition and vibrant with growth. It's a great place to spend a weekend. Richmond is at the heart of everything wonderful about the Old (and new) Dominion, offering an interesting blend of the modern and the historic. Over a billion dollars of shiny new buildings grace the downtown skyline, but they coexist with restored mansions, museums, and warehouses. Richmonders and visitors alike enjoy the new and old riches, but city life still moves at a southern gentleman's (and gentlewoman's) pace. ** Lynn Seldon, ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'' (2000), 2nd edition, p. 3 * [I]n 1782, Virginia passed a bill permitting private manumissions. Over the next ten years, Virginians manumitted about 1,000 slaves, including some who had fought as substitutes for their owners. Many more, however, were returned to slavery, so many, in fact, that the legislature felt compelled to speak out against this obvious injustice. In the fall of 1783, it passed a bill condemning owners who contrary to principles of justice and to their own solemn promise," kept their substitutes in slavery. It also instructed the Attorney General of Virginia to act on behalf of slaves held in servitude despite their war-time service and grant them the freedom they had earned. It is unknown how many slaves were freed in Virginia as a reward for military service. ** Robert A. Selig, [https://web.archive.org/web/20141008220806/http://amrevmuseum.org/reflections/african-americans-continental-army-and-state-militias-during-american-war-independence "African-Americans in the Continental Army and the State Militias During the American War of Independence"], ''Reflections'' * Virginia led the way among the colonies in excluding blacks from militia service, when the House of Burgesses required in January 1639 that only white Virginians arm themselves. ** Robert A. Selig, [https://web.archive.org/web/20141201041830/http://www.americanrevolution.org/blk.php "The Revolution's Black Soldiers"], ''American Revolution'' * I think Stone Mountain is amusing, but then again I find most representations of [[Robert E. Lee]] and Stonewall Jackson outside of [[w:Virginia|Virginia]], and, in Jackson's case, West Virginia, to be amusing. ** [[Brooks D. Simpson]], [https://cwcrossroads.wordpress.com/2015/07/22/the-future-of-stone-mountain/ "The Future of Stone Mountain"] (22 July 2015), ''Crossroads'' * 'The people of the South', says a contemporary, 'are not fighting for slavery but for independence'. '''Let us look into this matter. It is an easy task, we think, to show up this new-fangled heresy, a heresy calculated to do us no good, for it cannot deceive foreign statesmen nor peoples, nor mislead any one here nor in Yankeeland'''... Our doctrine is this. '''WE ARE FIGHTING''' FOR INDEPENDENCE '''THAT OUR GREAT AND NECESSARY DOMESTIC INSTITUTION OF [[Slavery|SLAVERY]] SHALL BE PRESERVED''', and for the preservation of other institutions of which [[slavery]] is the groundwork. ** [http://civilwarcauses.org/punch.htm ''Southern Punch''] (19 September 1864), Richmond, as quoted in [https://archive.is/jcaoZ ''The Confederate Battle Flag: America's Most Embattled Emblem''] (2005), by John M. Coski ===T=== * Virginians typically treated their slaves harshly. ** Mary V. Thompson, [http://www.mountvernon.org/george-washington/slavery/the-only-unavoidable-subject-of-regret/ "The Only Unavoidable Subject of Regret"], ''Mount Vernon'' * Better, far better! Endure all the horrors of civil war than to see the dusky sons of Ham leading the fair daughters of the South to the altar. ** [[w:William Thompson|William Thompson]], [http://civilwartalk.com/threads/why-did-the-average-soldier-fight-in-the-acw.12486/page-14 letter to Warner A. Thompson] (2 February 1861), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1qhEHVki8tEC&pg=PA19&dq=%22endure+all+the+horrors+of+civil+war+than+to+see+the+dusky+sons+of+Ham+leading+the+fair+daughters+of+the+South+to+the+altar%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CB0Q6AEwAGoVChMIwrGQhM7hxwIVyGg-Ch3phAf7#v=onepage&q=%22endure%20all%20the%20horrors%20of%20civil%20war%20than%20to%20see%20the%20dusky%20sons%20of%20Ham%20leading%20the%20fair%20daughters%20of%20the%20South%20to%20the%20altar%22&f=false ''For Cause and Comrades: Why Men Fought in the Civil War''] (1997), by [[James M. McPherson]], New York City: Oxford University Press, Inc., p. 19 * Our story actually begins at Jamestown, as almost all Virginia stories do... yes, even the story of Hampden-Sydney's College Presbyterian Church. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 15 * The [[w:Jamestown, Virginia|Jamestown]] settlers ''never ever'' pretended to have come to the [[New World]] on a noble quest for [[Freedom of religion|religious freedom]]. Instead, they represented a daring economic endeavor which was sponsored by a group of venture capitalists who were collectively known as ''The Virginia Company''. Many of these forefathers of the fabled "First Families of Virginia" were, in fact, escaping Old World arrest warrants, debt collectors, paternity suits, military obligations, home duties, and the like. No, for the Jamestown pioneers- as well as for most of those who soon followed them to other nearby Tidewater villages and plantations- the purity and the practice of their [[Christianity|Christian]] faith were ''secondary'' matters... although the Jamestown colony ''did'' have an Anglican priest among its settlers, and very shortly he began celebrating the Eucharist for these men. There were [[Calvinism|Calvinist]] [[Puritanism|Puritans]] in this group, but they just quietly tolerated this religious exercise without protest, while not completely embracing its theology. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 16 * However, even if these earliest Virginians ''had'' been seeking the free and unfettered practice of their particular type of [[Christianity in the United States|Christianity]], there would be no true "religious freedom" ''anywhere'' in Virginia for nearly two more centuries... and therefore surviving with one's personal faith intact would become the defining struggle for most of the Presbyterians who immigrated to this same colony during the 17th and 18th centuries. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 16 * Officially ''all'' of the early white Virginia settlers [and any of their black slaves and [[Native Americans in the United States|their native neighbors]] (''e.g.'', [[w:Pocahontas|Pocahontas]]) who were subsequently evangelized into Christianity] were ''supposed'' to be, or ''assumed'' to be, members of the [[Church of England|Anglican Church]]. While those who openly declared themselves to be otherwise were not specifically labeled as "outlaws", their rather prejudicial classification as "dissenters" meant that those daring-to-be-different Christians were living on the teeter-totter edge of [[Colonialism|colonial]] legality, Crown loyalty, and civil propriety. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 17 * When a [[English Civil War|civil war]] began in the 1640s between the [[Charles I of England|King]]'s forces and the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliamentary]] forces, many English religious dissenters joined the anti-royalists. At this time, Virginia's royal governor, [[w:William_Berkeley|William Berkeley]], reacted by arbitrarily condemning ''all Virginia dissenters'' as similar being seditious anti-royalists; some Tidewater dissenters were banished from Virginia at this time, while others simply moved farther up the James River to areas (in present-day Hanover County) north and west of its fall-line. Some of these "uprooted and transplanted" Piedmont dissenters became the ancestors of the Presbyterian congregation that would later be formed at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 20 ===V=== * The Virginia town of [[w:Charlottesville, Virginia|Charlottesville]] is a good place to remember. I was born there on March 13, 1887, and lived there until 1909 when I left for a new home, the [[United States Marine Corps|Marine Corps]]. Forty years later I returned, then moved to [[Florida]], my current home. Charlottesville is still a good place to remember. To me Charlottesville will always be a little town sitting quiet in the foothills of the [[w:Blue Ridge Mountains|Blue Ridge Mountains]], the home of some 8,000 people, dirt streets lighted by gas lamps, a yellow glow that on a winter evening peeped comfortably through the drawn drapery of the red-brick houses on East High Street- my route when I was hurrying to explain to my parents why I was late for supper. ** [[Alexander Vandegrift]], ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 21 * In those years we lived rather close to the Civil War, an atmosphere that molded our likes and dislikes almost into one. We were so soundly Democratic that our parents always pointed out Charlottesville's only Republican to any visitor. The first time politics meant anything to me was during [[Grover Cleveland]]'s second campaign. My mother took me to the balcony of Monticello Hotel to watch a torchlight political parade which to me meant my father handsomely dressed in a gray alpaca coat, a gray beaver hat and a rooster on his shoulder. Such state occasions rarely occurred. Most of the time we entertained ourselves. In spring, when Virginia smells sweeter than any place I have since visited in the world, we went blackberrying to bring back loaded pails which Henrietta, my mother's cook of long years, baked into fragrant and delicious pies. Summers we swam in the [[w:Rivanna River|Rivanna River]], a muddy little stream about two miles from town; sometimes we fished it from an old flat-bottomed boat and occasionally pulled out a perch or catfish. When the leaves turned brown we took schoolbags and hiked to the nearby Ragged Mountains to garner bushels of chestnuts and later to cook them over red coals and enjoy their odor as much as their meat. After Christmas the little ponds sometimes froze over, which meant digging out skates from the hall closet and trying our luck on ice never more than an inch and a half thick- and many were the duckings we took. ** [[Alexander Vandegrift]], ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 23 * This being only thirty years after the Civil War, Charlottesville abounded in military experiences. From as long as I can remember Grandfather Carson told me stories about his campaigns. He was a very impressive man and I listened carefully to his tales. He was also very devout. A Baptist deacon, he said prayers before breakfast; if you missed these, you missed breakfast. He held few men in awe, but those few he treated mighty respectfully- he always prayed to "the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson." ** [[Alexander Vandegrift]], ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), p. 25 * '''That all men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights''', of which, when they enter into a state of society, they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety. ** [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|''Virginia Declaration of Rights'']] (12 June 1776) * A well-regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe defense of a free state; that standing armies, in time of peace, should be avoided as dangerous to liberty; and that in all cases the military should be under strict subordination to, and governed by, the civil power. ** [[w:Virginia Declaration of Rights|''Virginia Declaration of Rights'']] (12 June 1776) *''[[w:Sic semper tyrannis|Sic semper tyrannis]]'' ** Latin for "Thus Always to [[Tyrants]]". ** See "[https://web.archive.org/web/20090115165637/https://www.virginia.org/site/features.asp?FeatureID=138 State Symbols, Seals and Emblems]," archived from the virginia.org original on 15 January 2009. ===W=== *Virginia for so long has made me look back on whatever regional identity it might have. My first impression is that it doesn't really have one... Virginia, for those without easy transportation options, is downright god-awfully ''boring''. **[[w:Alexander Wallace|Alexander Wallace]], [https://www.theodysseyonline.com/beltway-boy-comes-home "A Beltway Boy Comes Home"] (27 December 2017), ''The Odyssey Online'' * Today, I offer the Commonwealth's sincere apology for Virginia's participation in [[eugenics]]. We must remember the Commonwealth's past mistakes in order to prevent them from recurring. ** [[w:Mark Warner|Mark Warner]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/1965811.stm "Virginia apologises for eugenics policy"] (3 May 2002), ''BBC News'', United Kingdom: British Broadcasting Corporation * There is patently no legitimate overriding purpose independent of invidious racial discrimination which justifies this classification. The fact that Virginia prohibits only interracial marriages involving white persons demonstrates that the racial classifications must stand on their own justification, as measures designed to maintain [[White supremacy|White Supremacy]]. We have consistently denied the constitutionality of measures which restrict the rights of [[Citizenship|citizens]] on account of race. There can be no doubt that restricting the freedom to marry solely because of racial classifications violates the central meaning of the Equal Protection Clause. **[[Earl Warren]], in ''Loving v. Virginia'' (1967), as quoted in [http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-African-Science-Explodes-Myth/dp/1633880184/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 ''Everyone Is African: How Science Explodes the Myth of Race''], by Daniel J. Fairbanks ==External links== {{Wikiversity}} *{{official|https://www.virginia.gov/}} *{{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Wikivoyage-inline}} *{{Wiktionary-inline|Virginia}} *{{Commons-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Virginia, Commonwealth of}} [[Category:Virginia| ]] [[Category:States of the United States]] 70vnvxqnpqrqtmtg5r07qm36gjxfrhi 0 152525 3944196 3899836 2026-05-22T14:38:09Z Peter1c 193478 Bourgeois social science tries to mystify social consciousness by imbuing it with fatalism and by blunting any critical impulse. Those aspects of this social science which are not directly aimed at conserving the social order are concerned with the techniques of running it. ~ Robin Blackburn 3944196 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|[T]here is no such thing, strictly speaking, as social science; there is only [[economic science]], which studies the natural organism of [[society]] and shows how this organism functions.<br>{{center|~&nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]}}]] '''[[w:Social science|Social science]]''' is an academic discipline concerned with society and the relationships among individuals within a society. It includes [[anthropology]], [[economics]], [[w:political science|political science]], [[psychology]] and [[sociology]]. __NOTOC__ :<small>'''CONTENT'''</small> : [[#A - F|A - F]] , [[#G - L|G - L]] , [[#M - R|M - R]] , [[#S - Z|S - Z]] , [[#See also|See also]] , [[#External links|External links]] == Quotes == :''Quotes are arranged alphabetically by author'' === A - F === [[File:Molefi Asante 2011.jpg|thumb|The idea found embedded in European thought, particularly in the seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth centuries that Africans were inferior socially and behaviorally has tainted most of what passes for social science in the West, definitionally and conceptually. Few have been able to escape [[Alexander Pope|Alexander Pope's]] dictum in the ''[[w:An Essay on Man|Essay on Man]]'' (1733) "some are, and must be, greater than the rest" and its implication for European contact and interpretation of that contact with the rest of the world. ~ [[Molefi Kete Asante]]]] * A comparative social science requires a generalized system of concepts which will enable the scientific observer to compare and contrast large bodies of concretely different social phenomena in consistent terms. ** [[David Aberle]], [[Albert K. Cohen]], A. K. Davis, [[Marion J. Levy Jr.]] and [[Francis X. Sutton]], (1950). T"he functional prerequisites of a society." ''Ethics,'' 60(2), p. 100; cited in: Neil J. Smelser (2013), ''Comparative Methods in the Social Sciences.'' p. 189 * '''The restriction of [[rationality]] to the use of means … entails that the other aspect of the practical problematic, the realm of [[ends]], falls prey to pure decisionism, the whim of mere decisions not reflected upon by reason.''' The decisionism of unreflected, arbitrary decisions in the realm of practice corresponds to the positivism implied by the restriction to pure value-free theories. ** [[w:Hans Albert|Hans Albert]], “The Myth of Total Reason,” ''The Positivist Dispute in German Sociology'' (1969), p. 165 * The idea found embedded in [[Europe|European]] thought, particularly in the seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth centuries that [[Africa|Africans]] were inferior socially and behaviorally has tainted most of what passes for social science in the West, definitionally and conceptually. Few have been able to escape [[Alexander Pope|Alexander Pope's]] dictum in the ''[[w:An Essay on Man|Essay on Man]]'' (1733) "some are, and must be, greater than the rest" and its implication for European contact and interpretation of that contact with the rest of the world. ** [[Molefi Kete Asante]] ''Kemet, Afrocentricity, and Knowledge'' (1990), p. 21 * Bourgeois social science tries to mystify social consciousness by imbuing it with fatalism and by blunting any critical impulse. Those aspects of this social science which are not directly aimed at conserving the social order are concerned with the techniques of running it. ** Robin Blackburn in ''Student Power: Problems, Prognosis, Action'' (1969), edited by Alexander Cockburn and Robin Blackburn, p. 164 * Social science and [[humanities]] … have a mutual contempt for one another, the former looking down on the latter as unscientific, the latter regarding the former as philistine. … The difference comes down to the fact that social science really wants to be predictive, meaning that man is predictable, while the humanities say that he is not. ** [[Allan Bloom]], ''The Closing of the American Mind'' (New York: 1988), p. 357 * There is a noticeable general difference between the [[Science|sciences]] and [[mathematics]] on the one hand, and the humanities and social sciences on the other. It's a first approximation, but one that is real. In the former, the factors of integrity tend to dominate more over the factors of [[ideology]]. It's not that scientists are more honest people. It's just that nature is a harsh taskmaster. You can lie or distort the story of the [[French Revolution]] as long as you like, and nothing will happen. Propose a false theory in [[chemistry]], and it'll be refuted tomorrow. ** [[Noam Chomsky]] (1992) in ''Noam Chomsky: A Life of Dissent'', July 22, 1992 [http://cognet.mit.edu/library/books/chomsky/chomsky/4/11.html] * {{w|Natural scientists}} have done an excellent and courageous job of sounding the alarm on the enormous dangers of the continuation of business as usual with respect to carbon emissions and other planetary boundaries. But mainstream social science as it exists today has almost completely internalized [[capitalist]] ideology; so much so that conventional social scientists are completely unable to address the problem on the scale and in the historical terms that are necessary. They are accustomed to the view that society long ago “conquered” nature and that social science concerns only people-people relations, never people-nature relations. This feeds a {{w|denialism}} where Earth system-scale problems are concerned. Those mainstream social scientists who do address {{w|environmental issue}}s more often than not do so as if we are dealing with fairly normal conditions, and not a planetary emergency, not a no-analogue situation. ** [[John Bellamy Foster]], as quoted in ''[http://www.leftvoice.org/A-Resistance-Movement-for-the-Planet-Full-Interview A Resistance Movement for the Planet - Full Interview]'' (July 02, 2017), ''Left Voice''. === G - L === * In the social science that seeks to explain the world as it is, to show how the world works, power is the keystone of all categories, so that, in spite of (indeed, because of) its proclaimed neutrality, this social science participates actively in the separation of subject and object which is the substance of power. To us, power is of interest only in so far as it helps us to understand the challenge of anti-power: the study of power on its own, in abstraction from the challenge and project of anti-power, can do nothing but actively reproduce power. ** [[John Holloway (sociologist)|John Holloway]], ''Change the World Without Taking Power'' (2002) * What must be acknowledged, for example the prevalence of anxiety, is grafted onto man’s essence as if it grew there. Such is the tried and tested method of the [[apologist]]: what is social in origin is presented as natural. ** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 63 * In natural science, there are relatively many falsifiable propositions and relatively few attractive interpretive frameworks. In the social sciences, there are relatively many attractive interpretive frameworks and relatively few falsifiable propositions. ** Arnold Kling, Specialization and Trade: A Re-introduction to Economics (2016) * I see the tasks of social sciences to discover what kinds of order actually do exist in the whole range of the behavior of human beings; what kind of functional relationships between different parts of [[culture]] exist in space and over time, and what functionally more useful kinds of order can be created. ** [[Robert Staughton Lynd]] (1939) ''Knowledge of what?'' p. 125-6, cited in [[Karl William Kapp]] (1976), [http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6435.1976.tb01971.x/abstract The nature and significance of institutional economics]. in: ''Kyklos'', Vol 29/2, Jan 1976, p. 209 === M - R === * Science, as we know it, is not value-free. This is more so with social sciences. And certainly, a subject such as ethnic relations, which tends to have an emotional overtone cannot be expected to be presented or analysed with pure objectivity, however one claims, or wants it to be. To an extent, the treatment of the subject depends on the angle that the person is looking at, his theoretical orientation and even political bias, and his short and long-term motives. A social scientist may look at, or even magnify ethnic relations to legitimise his discipline, or even for scholarly recognition. A writer may provide a sensational tint for commercial purposes. A politician may use it to catch votes and wrest power even if he knows it can instill ill-will and suspicion. I am not saying this because I do not believe in the study of ethnic relations. In fact, I believe studies in ethnic relations can be healthy and injustices motivated by discriminative and oppressive tendencies. I do not claim to know which is right in terms of solving ethnic problems, for "right" too is subjective. But I believe ethnic relations, if it is to be positive, must be viewed within a particular historical context, as well as the relevant socio-cultural, economic and political setting. As such, answers to questions pertaining to [[Malaysia|Malaysian]] ethnic relations must necessarily be peculiarly Malaysian. ** Malaysian Prime Minister [[Mahathir Mohamad]] [https://www.pmo.gov.my/ucapan/index.php?m=p&p=mahathir&id=18] (12 January 1983) * Because war and exploitation and poverty and racial discrimination and psychological insecurity plague modern societies, social science must justify itself by providing solutions for all of these problems. Yet social scientists may be no better equipped to solve these urgent problems today than were physicians, such as Harvey or Sydenham, to identify, study, and cure coronary thrombosis in 1655. Yet, as history testifies, the inadequacy of medicine to cope with this particular problem scarcely meant that it lacked powers of development. If everyone backs only the sure thing, who will support the colt yet to come into its own? ** [[Robert K. Merton]]. (1949). On Sociological Theories of the Middle Range. *<p>There are two ways of considering [[society]].&nbsp; According to some, the development of [[human]] associations is not subject to providential, unchangeable laws.&nbsp; Rather, these associations, having originally been organized in a purely [[artificial]] manner by primeval <!--Page 16-->legislators, can later be modified or remade by other legislators, in step with the progress of ''social science''.&nbsp; In this system the [[government]] plays a preeminent role, because it is upon it, the custodian of the principle of [[authority]], that the daily task of modifying and remaking society devolves.</p><p>According to others, on the contrary, society is a purely [[natural]] fact.&nbsp; Like the [[earth]] on which it stands, society moves in accordance with general, preexisting [[laws]].&nbsp; In this system, there is no such thing, strictly speaking, as social science; there is only [[economic]] science, which studies the natural organism of society and shows how this organism functions.</p> **[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&nbsp;Huston McCulloch, ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/16|pp. 15]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/17|16]]. === S - Z === * Critical (i.e., separating) methods apply only to the world-as-nature. '''It would be easier to break up a theme of [[Beethoven]] with dissecting knife or acid than to break up the [[soul]] by methods of [[abstract]] [[thought]].''' Nature-knowledge and man-knowledge have neither ways nor aims in common. ** [[Oswald Spengler]], ''Decline of the West'', Volume 1, C. Atkinson, trans., p. 300 * '''If we see [our lives] from the outside, as the influence and popular dissemination of the social sciences and psychiatry has persuaded more and more people to do, we view ourselves as instances of generalities, and in so doing become profoundly and painfully alienated from our own [[experience]] and our [[humanity]].''' ** [[Susan Sontag]], “On Style,” ''Against Interpretation'', p. 29 * The great shift … is the movement away from the value-laden languages of … the “humanities,” and toward the ostensibly value-neutral languages of the “sciences.” This attempt to escape from, or to deny, valuation is … especially important in psychology … and the so-called social sciences. Indeed, '''one could go so far as to say that the specialized languages of these disciplines serve virtually no other purpose than to conceal valuation behind an ostensibly scientific and therefore nonvaluational semantic screen.''' ** [[Thomas Szasz]], ''Anti-Freud'', p. 44 * '''Social science means [[inventing]] a certain brand of human we can understand.''' ** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) The Sage, the Weak, and the Magnificent, p. 95 * '''The Scientistic sociologist wishes people to feel that he is just as empirical and thoroughgoing as the natural scientist, and that his conclusions are based just as relentlessly on observed data.''' The desire to present this kind of façade accounts, one may suspect, for the many examples and the extensive use of statistical tables found in the works of some of them. It has been said of certain novelists that they create settings having such a wealth of realistic detail that the reader assumes that the plot which is to follow will be equally realistic, when this may be far from the case. What happens is that the novelist disarms the reader with the realism of his setting in order that he may “get away with murder” in his plot. The persuasiveness of the scene is thus counted on to spill over into the action of the story. In like manner, when a treatise on social science is filled with this kind of data, the realism of the latter can influence our acceptance of the thesis, which may, on scrutiny, rest on very dubious constructs. ** [[Richard Weaver]], “Concealed Rhetoric in Scientistic Sociology,” ''Language is Sermonic'' (1970), pp. 148-149 ==See also == {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[Anthropology]] * [[Economics]] * [[Political science]] {{col-2}} * [[Psychology]] * [[Sociology]] * [[:Category:Social sciences|List of social science disciplines]] * [[:Category:Social scientists|List of social scientists]] {{col-end}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Social sciences| ]] t8sllofptfbwmh0kujwvkzlw36nxuv7 3944197 3944196 2026-05-22T14:38:54Z Peter1c 193478 +link 3944197 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Gustave de Molinari.jpg|thumb|[T]here is no such thing, strictly speaking, as social science; there is only [[economic science]], which studies the natural organism of [[society]] and shows how this organism functions.<br>{{center|~&nbsp;[[Gustave de Molinari]]}}]] '''[[w:Social science|Social science]]''' is an academic discipline concerned with society and the relationships among individuals within a society. It includes [[anthropology]], [[economics]], [[w:political science|political science]], [[psychology]] and [[sociology]]. __NOTOC__ :<small>'''CONTENT'''</small> : [[#A - F|A - F]] , [[#G - L|G - L]] , [[#M - R|M - R]] , [[#S - Z|S - Z]] , [[#See also|See also]] , [[#External links|External links]] == Quotes == :''Quotes are arranged alphabetically by author'' === A - F === [[File:Molefi Asante 2011.jpg|thumb|The idea found embedded in European thought, particularly in the seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth centuries that Africans were inferior socially and behaviorally has tainted most of what passes for social science in the West, definitionally and conceptually. Few have been able to escape [[Alexander Pope|Alexander Pope's]] dictum in the ''[[w:An Essay on Man|Essay on Man]]'' (1733) "some are, and must be, greater than the rest" and its implication for European contact and interpretation of that contact with the rest of the world. ~ [[Molefi Kete Asante]]]] * A comparative social science requires a generalized system of concepts which will enable the scientific observer to compare and contrast large bodies of concretely different social phenomena in consistent terms. ** [[David Aberle]], [[Albert K. Cohen]], A. K. Davis, [[Marion J. Levy Jr.]] and [[Francis X. Sutton]], (1950). T"he functional prerequisites of a society." ''Ethics,'' 60(2), p. 100; cited in: Neil J. Smelser (2013), ''Comparative Methods in the Social Sciences.'' p. 189 * '''The restriction of [[rationality]] to the use of means … entails that the other aspect of the practical problematic, the realm of [[ends]], falls prey to pure decisionism, the whim of mere decisions not reflected upon by reason.''' The decisionism of unreflected, arbitrary decisions in the realm of practice corresponds to the positivism implied by the restriction to pure value-free theories. ** [[w:Hans Albert|Hans Albert]], “The Myth of Total Reason,” ''The Positivist Dispute in German Sociology'' (1969), p. 165 * The idea found embedded in [[Europe|European]] thought, particularly in the seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth centuries that [[Africa|Africans]] were inferior socially and behaviorally has tainted most of what passes for social science in the West, definitionally and conceptually. Few have been able to escape [[Alexander Pope|Alexander Pope's]] dictum in the ''[[w:An Essay on Man|Essay on Man]]'' (1733) "some are, and must be, greater than the rest" and its implication for European contact and interpretation of that contact with the rest of the world. ** [[Molefi Kete Asante]] ''Kemet, Afrocentricity, and Knowledge'' (1990), p. 21 * Bourgeois social science tries to mystify social consciousness by imbuing it with fatalism and by blunting any critical impulse. Those aspects of this social science which are not directly aimed at conserving the social order are concerned with the techniques of running it. ** [[w:Robin Blackburn|Robin Blackburn]] in ''Student Power: Problems, Prognosis, Action'' (1969), edited by Alexander Cockburn and Robin Blackburn, p. 164 * Social science and [[humanities]] … have a mutual contempt for one another, the former looking down on the latter as unscientific, the latter regarding the former as philistine. … The difference comes down to the fact that social science really wants to be predictive, meaning that man is predictable, while the humanities say that he is not. ** [[Allan Bloom]], ''The Closing of the American Mind'' (New York: 1988), p. 357 * There is a noticeable general difference between the [[Science|sciences]] and [[mathematics]] on the one hand, and the humanities and social sciences on the other. It's a first approximation, but one that is real. In the former, the factors of integrity tend to dominate more over the factors of [[ideology]]. It's not that scientists are more honest people. It's just that nature is a harsh taskmaster. You can lie or distort the story of the [[French Revolution]] as long as you like, and nothing will happen. Propose a false theory in [[chemistry]], and it'll be refuted tomorrow. ** [[Noam Chomsky]] (1992) in ''Noam Chomsky: A Life of Dissent'', July 22, 1992 [http://cognet.mit.edu/library/books/chomsky/chomsky/4/11.html] * {{w|Natural scientists}} have done an excellent and courageous job of sounding the alarm on the enormous dangers of the continuation of business as usual with respect to carbon emissions and other planetary boundaries. But mainstream social science as it exists today has almost completely internalized [[capitalist]] ideology; so much so that conventional social scientists are completely unable to address the problem on the scale and in the historical terms that are necessary. They are accustomed to the view that society long ago “conquered” nature and that social science concerns only people-people relations, never people-nature relations. This feeds a {{w|denialism}} where Earth system-scale problems are concerned. Those mainstream social scientists who do address {{w|environmental issue}}s more often than not do so as if we are dealing with fairly normal conditions, and not a planetary emergency, not a no-analogue situation. ** [[John Bellamy Foster]], as quoted in ''[http://www.leftvoice.org/A-Resistance-Movement-for-the-Planet-Full-Interview A Resistance Movement for the Planet - Full Interview]'' (July 02, 2017), ''Left Voice''. === G - L === * In the social science that seeks to explain the world as it is, to show how the world works, power is the keystone of all categories, so that, in spite of (indeed, because of) its proclaimed neutrality, this social science participates actively in the separation of subject and object which is the substance of power. To us, power is of interest only in so far as it helps us to understand the challenge of anti-power: the study of power on its own, in abstraction from the challenge and project of anti-power, can do nothing but actively reproduce power. ** [[John Holloway (sociologist)|John Holloway]], ''Change the World Without Taking Power'' (2002) * What must be acknowledged, for example the prevalence of anxiety, is grafted onto man’s essence as if it grew there. Such is the tried and tested method of the [[apologist]]: what is social in origin is presented as natural. ** [[Russell Jacoby]], ''Social Amnesia'' (1975), p. 63 * In natural science, there are relatively many falsifiable propositions and relatively few attractive interpretive frameworks. In the social sciences, there are relatively many attractive interpretive frameworks and relatively few falsifiable propositions. ** Arnold Kling, Specialization and Trade: A Re-introduction to Economics (2016) * I see the tasks of social sciences to discover what kinds of order actually do exist in the whole range of the behavior of human beings; what kind of functional relationships between different parts of [[culture]] exist in space and over time, and what functionally more useful kinds of order can be created. ** [[Robert Staughton Lynd]] (1939) ''Knowledge of what?'' p. 125-6, cited in [[Karl William Kapp]] (1976), [http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6435.1976.tb01971.x/abstract The nature and significance of institutional economics]. in: ''Kyklos'', Vol 29/2, Jan 1976, p. 209 === M - R === * Science, as we know it, is not value-free. This is more so with social sciences. And certainly, a subject such as ethnic relations, which tends to have an emotional overtone cannot be expected to be presented or analysed with pure objectivity, however one claims, or wants it to be. To an extent, the treatment of the subject depends on the angle that the person is looking at, his theoretical orientation and even political bias, and his short and long-term motives. A social scientist may look at, or even magnify ethnic relations to legitimise his discipline, or even for scholarly recognition. A writer may provide a sensational tint for commercial purposes. A politician may use it to catch votes and wrest power even if he knows it can instill ill-will and suspicion. I am not saying this because I do not believe in the study of ethnic relations. In fact, I believe studies in ethnic relations can be healthy and injustices motivated by discriminative and oppressive tendencies. I do not claim to know which is right in terms of solving ethnic problems, for "right" too is subjective. But I believe ethnic relations, if it is to be positive, must be viewed within a particular historical context, as well as the relevant socio-cultural, economic and political setting. As such, answers to questions pertaining to [[Malaysia|Malaysian]] ethnic relations must necessarily be peculiarly Malaysian. ** Malaysian Prime Minister [[Mahathir Mohamad]] [https://www.pmo.gov.my/ucapan/index.php?m=p&p=mahathir&id=18] (12 January 1983) * Because war and exploitation and poverty and racial discrimination and psychological insecurity plague modern societies, social science must justify itself by providing solutions for all of these problems. Yet social scientists may be no better equipped to solve these urgent problems today than were physicians, such as Harvey or Sydenham, to identify, study, and cure coronary thrombosis in 1655. Yet, as history testifies, the inadequacy of medicine to cope with this particular problem scarcely meant that it lacked powers of development. If everyone backs only the sure thing, who will support the colt yet to come into its own? ** [[Robert K. Merton]]. (1949). On Sociological Theories of the Middle Range. *<p>There are two ways of considering [[society]].&nbsp; According to some, the development of [[human]] associations is not subject to providential, unchangeable laws.&nbsp; Rather, these associations, having originally been organized in a purely [[artificial]] manner by primeval <!--Page 16-->legislators, can later be modified or remade by other legislators, in step with the progress of ''social science''.&nbsp; In this system the [[government]] plays a preeminent role, because it is upon it, the custodian of the principle of [[authority]], that the daily task of modifying and remaking society devolves.</p><p>According to others, on the contrary, society is a purely [[natural]] fact.&nbsp; Like the [[earth]] on which it stands, society moves in accordance with general, preexisting [[laws]].&nbsp; In this system, there is no such thing, strictly speaking, as social science; there is only [[economic]] science, which studies the natural organism of society and shows how this organism functions.</p> **[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&nbsp;Huston McCulloch, ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/16|pp. 15]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/17|16]]. === S - Z === * Critical (i.e., separating) methods apply only to the world-as-nature. '''It would be easier to break up a theme of [[Beethoven]] with dissecting knife or acid than to break up the [[soul]] by methods of [[abstract]] [[thought]].''' Nature-knowledge and man-knowledge have neither ways nor aims in common. ** [[Oswald Spengler]], ''Decline of the West'', Volume 1, C. Atkinson, trans., p. 300 * '''If we see [our lives] from the outside, as the influence and popular dissemination of the social sciences and psychiatry has persuaded more and more people to do, we view ourselves as instances of generalities, and in so doing become profoundly and painfully alienated from our own [[experience]] and our [[humanity]].''' ** [[Susan Sontag]], “On Style,” ''Against Interpretation'', p. 29 * The great shift … is the movement away from the value-laden languages of … the “humanities,” and toward the ostensibly value-neutral languages of the “sciences.” This attempt to escape from, or to deny, valuation is … especially important in psychology … and the so-called social sciences. Indeed, '''one could go so far as to say that the specialized languages of these disciplines serve virtually no other purpose than to conceal valuation behind an ostensibly scientific and therefore nonvaluational semantic screen.''' ** [[Thomas Szasz]], ''Anti-Freud'', p. 44 * '''Social science means [[inventing]] a certain brand of human we can understand.''' ** [[Nassim N. Taleb]], ''The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms'' (2010) The Sage, the Weak, and the Magnificent, p. 95 * '''The Scientistic sociologist wishes people to feel that he is just as empirical and thoroughgoing as the natural scientist, and that his conclusions are based just as relentlessly on observed data.''' The desire to present this kind of façade accounts, one may suspect, for the many examples and the extensive use of statistical tables found in the works of some of them. It has been said of certain novelists that they create settings having such a wealth of realistic detail that the reader assumes that the plot which is to follow will be equally realistic, when this may be far from the case. What happens is that the novelist disarms the reader with the realism of his setting in order that he may “get away with murder” in his plot. The persuasiveness of the scene is thus counted on to spill over into the action of the story. In like manner, when a treatise on social science is filled with this kind of data, the realism of the latter can influence our acceptance of the thesis, which may, on scrutiny, rest on very dubious constructs. ** [[Richard Weaver]], “Concealed Rhetoric in Scientistic Sociology,” ''Language is Sermonic'' (1970), pp. 148-149 ==See also == {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[Anthropology]] * [[Economics]] * [[Political science]] {{col-2}} * [[Psychology]] * [[Sociology]] * [[:Category:Social sciences|List of social science disciplines]] * [[:Category:Social scientists|List of social scientists]] {{col-end}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Social sciences| ]] 8ke0gtvvl6icnp0pemcc3iu2mwzx0hy 0 154337 3944260 3810692 2026-05-22T19:15:12Z AC9016 2870313 3944260 wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:Max Lerner|'''Maxwell "Max" Alan Lerner''']] (December 20, 1902 – June 5, 1992) was an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:Journalist|journalist]] and educator known for his controversial syndicated [[w:column (periodical)|column]]. [[File:Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940.jpg|thumb|Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940]] ==Quotes== * The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=szVGoBq-dkEC&q=%22actually+The+so-called+lessons+of+history+are+for+the+most+part+the+rationalizations+of+the+victors+history+is+written+by+the+survivors%22&pg=PA255#v=onepage ''It Is Later Than You Think: The Need for a Militant Democracy''] (1939) === ''Public Journal'' (1945) === * I have little patience, on this two hundredth anniversary of Thomas Jefferson's birth, with the mealy mouthings about Jefferson's ideals. The focus of attention should not be on Jefferson but on us, his children. For the first thing that to remember about Jefferson is that he never looked backward, did not want the dead to govern the living from their graves. And the second is that he was a revolutionary, who fought with the weapons of ideas for the high stakes of freedom.<br>The recent trend in the Jefferson studies has been to show him as a human being, and it is a good trend. Jefferson was no steel engraving but a flesh-and-blood man, full of contradictions- at once aristocrat and democrat, a gracious plantation owner and a leader of the agrarian masses, an internationalist and an isolationist, a man who loved music and the theater and architecture and books but spent all his life in politics, a thinker who found no idea too vast for him and a practical man who found no ideal too minute. ** "Jefferson's Children," first published 13 April 1943, p. 110 * To humanize or glorify a man is one thing; to grasp his place in the history of the human spirit is quite another. Jefferson was part of a bursting world of new ideas. Yet he was dedicated to the commonwealth, with a sense of dedication whcih came partly from the classical authors he read so eagerly and partly from the American soil and the American climate. The ruling group to which he belonged identified itself with the lower classes in a common revolutionary impulse against British tyranny. But Americans were fighting for more than their freedom. They were fighting for a vision of a new world- one in which men, however imperfectly, could shape their own destinies.<br>It is that vision that must be our heritage of him. Jefferson's politics and his program have been outdated by the march of the machine and the flight of the plane. But his openness of mind, his revolutionary spirit, his belief in men's potentialities will never be outdated. ** p. 110-111 * The tragic thing is that those qualities no longer describe his children. Our ruling economic group no longer lives gracefully nor thinks spaciously. Without having lost its tenacious will to rule, it has lost its sense of moral dedication. We as a people lost our openness to new ideas, our sense of being a new world. We might ask ourselves, as we commemorate Jefferson, what he would think if he knew that his descendants were preparing to be the last bastion of a reactionary European ruling group against the new forces and ideas of European democrats. And what he would think if he knew that out of fear of the Russian revolutionary ideas, we were pushing around the Fighting French, the Free Italians, the Spanish Loyalists, and the others who have fought and died for freedom, and who are the true inheritors of the European Enlightenment of Jefferson's day. ** p. 111 * If we care about Jefferson, we would do well to cease our efforts to stifle his spirit as it exists in the world today. Somewhere in the world there is perhaps another Jefferson who is trying to do for our era what Jefferson did for his. It is someone with deep culture, and a belief in reason, a revolutionary spirit, and a passion for freedom. For a moment as I write this it occurs to me that perhaps it is Jawaharlal Nehru. But of course it couldn't be: else he would not have been put in prison by those who are fighting a war of liberation. Perhaps Jefferson is somewhere in Europe, in one of the underground movements, organizing sabotage against the Nazis and preparing a new Declaration of Independence. If he is there, will our soldiers be fighting on his side when they invade Europe, or will the needs of appeasement put him in a concentration camp? ** p. 111 * I have been looking through the pictures of the battle of Detroit. They are not pretty, and they are nothing for Americans to be proud of. I don't mean just the blood and the pain that you see on the faces of the men. Nor do I mean just the more than a score dead and the hundreds of wounded in the hospitals. Pain and suffering and the fact of death itself are less important than the cause for which they are endured. But this cause is so meaningless, so deformed. The key to the tragedy of Detroit is the fear and hatred that you can read on the faces of the men and women in the pictures. It is the mask of Caliban enveloping a mob that is wreaking its cruelty on the helpless and the innocent. This hatred- not of the common enemy but of our own American brothers- is a twisted emotion that shows up all the ugliness of the American soul. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 114-115 * What dolts we are, to dehumanize ourselves. And in what cause? In Hitler's, as far as immediate consequences go. The men who set these riots off, whether they be Bundists or Ku Klux Klanners, followers of Paul Joseph Goebbels or Gerald L. K. Smith, are doing Hitler's work here. That much is simple. Hitler would be foolish if he did not use this weapon, especially at a time when he is desperate. It is as if he were to send saboteurs among us- only instead of destroying bridges they destroy our sense of decency and instead of disrupting communications they disrupt our living and working together. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * It is too easy to find alibis that wash the guilt away from those who took part in the riots, and from the whole American nation. We cry: "Nazi instigators." We cry: "Kluxers." We create something fancy and objective, like "race tensions" and "race prejudice" that we discuss in a detached way. The Kluxers and the Bundists undoubtedly lit the match in every instance. But in every instance our America furnished the flammable material.<br>What have we done to ease the daily crucifixion of the Negro in our midst, which leaves in him a smoldering bitterness? What have we done to give him fair employment in our war industries and elsewhere? What have we done to break down Jim Crowism in the armed forces? What have we done, by word and deed, to make him see that he has a share in this war and in the world?<br>What have we done, in turn, to cleanse the hatred and ignorance from the whites among us? What have we done to make them see that we are in a war against fascism, and that the essence of Fascism is to treat some men as sub-men because of color and creed? What have we done to teach an understanding of the creative contribution of our minority groups toward the total American culture? What have the Government and business and trade unions done to develop going experiments in which white and black can work and live side by side? ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * Our spokesmen talk of re-educating Nazi Germany, of liberating Europe. We have some re-educating to do at home. The liberator must liberate himself.<br>Look in yoru own hearts, Americans. These men in the Detroit streets- these men splattered with blood, cowering in fear, their faces bashed in, their homes looted and burned, their spirits broken- these men, whatever their color may be, are bone of your bone. These other men and women who have done the destruction, their faces bestial and fury-driven- these are also of your own America.<br>American men and women: this is your task. The suffering is yours, and the guilt is yours. You must learn what the facts are, but the facts will not themselves set you free. You must set yourselves free of hate and discrimination, of blindness and inaction. No one can do that for you- not even the federal government. It can help, but you must not lean entirely on that help. The papers say that the Detroit riots have cut down war production. True. But what a curious way of putting it. Negroes are not just machines for turning out planes and ships. Negroes are human beings and Americans. What the riots have cut down is the stature of America. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 116 * The root of the racist evil must be found in the soil of American life as a whole. A program of action against the racist evil must be a national program. It must be based on the premise that while it is no doubt that Klansmen and other native fascists are always willing to apply the torch to the race problem, the combustible stuff for the fire is to be found in the way we treat the Negro. And the further premise that this stuff must be cleaned out.<br>The paradox of the relation of the whites to the Negro is that they deny him a chance at a job and call him shiftless; they segregate him in the worst slums under conditions that breed criminality, and then call him vicious; they deny him education and then call him ignorant.<br>I do not say that no progress has been made, nor that we treat the Negroes in a Nazi way. The Nazis glory in their racist ideas and persecution: we hang our heads in shame at ours. As a nation we have been moving slowly toward a decent treatment of Negroes. Too slowly- that is the point. I know of few Negroes who expect the overnight miracle of complete justice and equality. But I also know of very few who do not want from us a more substantial token than we have given of our intent to apply to them the principles of ethnic democracy. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 116-117 * The Negro is becoming an integral part of our economic life. That trend is here to stay. The war has speeded it up, by bringing more Negroes into the war industries. But the war did not invent the trend. Insofar as the racist riots are an unreasoning protest against the newly emerging industrial position of Negroes, they are only an incident in a long historical process. Seen thus, they become as fruitless as the attempts of the Machine Wreckers in the early nineteenths century to hold back the tide of industrialism. But while I am convinced that the process cannot be stopped, much can be done to ease the transition. The going is slow because the obstacles are many. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 117 * Pass a new Federal Civil Rights statute, as Carey McWilliams has been urging. I am convinced that the problem of drafting it is not too difficult. Recent Supreme Court decisions also point to its constitutionality. The real problems will be those of enforcement. But, however hard that may be, let us at least put it on the record that as a matter of national policy we outlaw lynching, Jim Crowism, and racial injustice in every form. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118 * Create experimental mixed units of volunteers in the Army and Navy. No one need be forced into them. But there are plenty of Americans, white and black, who would want to give democracy a chance in the armed forces. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118-119 * You will say, this is a long road. Injustice is longer. You will say, this is drastic. Bloodshed and hate are more drastic. You will say, it can't be done. But that is just what the enemies of American life are counting on you to say. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 119 * No American has a constitutional duty to like all or any of his fellow-Americans. Although I must add as a footnote that to dislike someone before you know him seems to me stupid. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 124 * That is why we must speak out for freedom, wherever it may be threatened. Violence may be infectious, but freedom and courage are also infectious. The big test of American liberty will come in the let-down after the war. If we do not now learn the habits of speaking out for freedom and fighting for it, we will make poor defenders when we are confronted by the big battalions. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 126 * I will close on a personal matter. Any teacher who lets himself be commanded as to what he will or will not say becomes an intellectual eunuch. I have myself taught at colleges, on and off, for a decade. If at any time a President had told me what to teach, I should have had to resign. Otherwise I could not have looked in a mirror. ** "Freedom and the Teacher," first published 16 February 1944, p. 142 === ''The Unfinished Country'' (1959) === *A President is best judged by the enemies he makes when he has really hit his stride. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&dq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The real sadness of fifty is not that you change so much but that you change so little. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&dq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The crime of book purging is that it involves a rejection of the word... To reject the word is to reject the human search. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/8Bei5rr3fwUC?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&dq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&printsec=frontcover The ''Unfinished Country''] *Years from now, when historians can look back and put our time into perspective, they will say that of its towering figures—more truly great than generals and diplomats, business grants and labor grants, bigger than most of our presidents—was a man called [[Louis Brandeis|Brandeis]]. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Letters_of_Louis_D_Brandeis_Volume_III_1/aiDvBgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Years+from+now,+when+historians+can+look+%22&pg=PP4&printsec=frontcover ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis''] *Life is a protracted struggle against the Adversary, who is man himself. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Essential_Quotes_for_Scientists_and_Engi/PIogEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Life+is+a+protracted+struggle+against+the%22&pg=PA200&printsec=frontcover ''Essential Quotes for Scientists and Engineers''] *[[Marilyn Ferguson]] is the best reporter today on the farther reaches of investigation into the life and human sciences. She represents a new kind of investigative journalist—not a sleuth after the corruptions of a politician but one tracking the spoor of a new research idea in all its windings; following it to its sources and its affinities in allied fields, its conclusions, its implications for the whole spectrum of human thought and consciousness... Nietzsche talked of philosophy as the gay science, the joyful science, and to Marilyn Ferguson the area of knowledge she has staked out for her reporting and synthesizing is a joyful science. **Forward to [[Marilyn_Ferguson#The_Aquarian_Conspiracy_(1980)|''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson]] (1980) *I have for some time been impatient with the prevailing sense of pessimism and despair, especially among the intellectual and professional groups of the "New Class." I am not blind to the tragic and absurd, which seem to have been built into our time and perhaps into the human constitution. But I also feel that the sense of hope and possibility is also built in over the millennia of human coping. It is no small part of the new transformative insights that they have released this sense of hope and possibility. **Forward to ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson (1980) *I have believed in love and work, and their linkage. I have believed that we are neither angels nor devils, but humans, with clusters of potentials in both directions. I am neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a possibilist. **Lerner's summary of his life for "Who's Who in America," quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *We should be less concerned about the missile gap than the intelligence gap... less worried about the missile race than the intelligence race. **Quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) ==Quotes About Max Lerner== *Nevertheless, as readers familiar with Mr. Lerner's previous works know, the range of his interests is amazing. In this book he comments on such diverse matters as [[Harry S. Truman|President Truman]]'s handling of the 1946 railroad strike..., [[Charlie Chaplin]]'s superb ability as a mime, [[H. G. Wells]]'s imaginative writing, [[Palestine]], the [[cold war]], [[Trotsky]] and [[Stalin]], the evil of the [[Ku Klux Klan]], Jim Crowism, the 1948 political conventions, and the management of the Brooklyn Dodgers. In all of these and the many other pieces which make up the book the Enemy is always [[Status Quo]]. **[https://www.unz.com/print/SaturdayRev-1949mar26-00015/ ''Actions and Passions'', By Max Lerner, Reviewed by Wellington Roe], ''The Saturday Review'', (26 March 1949) *To see ourselves as we aren't, but as he would like us to be, read ''Actions and Passions'', by Max Lerner (Simon & Schuster, $3.50). He calls these chapters "Notes on the Multiple Revolution of our Time," which of course they are, since they concern today's upside-down world. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Brilliant as he is, Lerner suffers from anguish over the capitalists. He is not pro-Communist... The exigencies of writing each day for a daily might be the cause of his continual harping on the wrongs done minorities, which makes far more noise rather than a sound appeal for their rights. Another safe target are corporations and their selfish attacks on labor unions, and even government regulations against strikes.... His dispatches on the 1948 Philadelphia conventions, both Republican and Democratic, analyze well public sentiment over the two parties and their candidates, even if Lerner guessed wrong about the outcome. His appraisals of the personalities of Wallace, Truman, and others sound solid and reasonable, and much of his thinking on domestic political questions is keen and supportable. All in all, one can disagree with what Lerner writes but still admit that the way he writes is stimulating, pro and con. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Max Lerner, an educator, journalist and student of American civilization who was for many years a syndicated columnist for ''The New York Post'', died yesterday... He was 89 ... Mr. Lerner was one of the more conspicuous of the post-World War II nonfiction writers, a humanist whose unabashed liberal conscience led him to the political barricades for more than three decades. Many of his concerns now seem prescient. In 1959, for example, in a speech at Douglass College in New Brunswick, N.J., Mr. Lerner called for the formation of an antiwar elite, making it clear that he was worried about what he saw as growing mediocrity among American students. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *With all the turmoil of the mid- and late 20th century, Mr. Lerner insisted that he preferred the present "awful but magnificent" era to any other in history. But in a book he wrote in 1957, ''America as a Civilization: Life and Thought in the United States Today,'' he talked of his age as a time in which there was a "fear of ideas and the tenacious cult of property." His espousal of ideas regarded as liberal in the 1950's did not sit well with everyone... Between 1932 and 1935, Mr. Lerner served on the faculty of both Sarah Lawrence College and the Wellesley Summer Institute. After a brief stint teaching at Harvard, he edited ''The Nation'' magazine for a time and then taught political science at Williams College from 1938 to 1943. Before joining The Post in 1949, he also wrote columns for ''The New York Star.''.. He continued writing for The Post until two weeks ago. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lerner, Maxwell Alan}} [[Category:1902 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:People from Minsk]] [[Category:Williams College faculty]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:Wellesley College faculty]] 9z13x7724zvsyktqz4en45f33hyv14m 3944261 3944260 2026-05-22T19:16:32Z AC9016 2870313 3944261 wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:Max Lerner|'''Maxwell "Max" Alan Lerner''']] (December 20, 1902 – June 5, 1992) was an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:Journalist|journalist]] and educator known for his controversial syndicated [[w:column (periodical)|column]]. [[File:Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940.jpg|thumb|Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940]] ==Quotes== * The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=szVGoBq-dkEC&q=%22actually+The+so-called+lessons+of+history+are+for+the+most+part+the+rationalizations+of+the+victors+history+is+written+by+the+survivors%22&pg=PA255#v=onepage ''It Is Later Than You Think: The Need for a Militant Democracy''] (1939) *Years from now, when historians can look back and put our time into perspective, they will say that of its towering figures—more truly great than generals and diplomats, business grants and labor grants, bigger than most of our presidents—was a man called [[Louis Brandeis|Brandeis]]. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Letters_of_Louis_D_Brandeis_Volume_III_1/aiDvBgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Years+from+now,+when+historians+can+look+%22&pg=PP4&printsec=frontcover ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis''] *Life is a protracted struggle against the Adversary, who is man himself. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Essential_Quotes_for_Scientists_and_Engi/PIogEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Life+is+a+protracted+struggle+against+the%22&pg=PA200&printsec=frontcover ''Essential Quotes for Scientists and Engineers''] *[[Marilyn Ferguson]] is the best reporter today on the farther reaches of investigation into the life and human sciences. She represents a new kind of investigative journalist—not a sleuth after the corruptions of a politician but one tracking the spoor of a new research idea in all its windings; following it to its sources and its affinities in allied fields, its conclusions, its implications for the whole spectrum of human thought and consciousness... Nietzsche talked of philosophy as the gay science, the joyful science, and to Marilyn Ferguson the area of knowledge she has staked out for her reporting and synthesizing is a joyful science. **Forward to [[Marilyn_Ferguson#The_Aquarian_Conspiracy_(1980)|''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson]] (1980) *I have for some time been impatient with the prevailing sense of pessimism and despair, especially among the intellectual and professional groups of the "New Class." I am not blind to the tragic and absurd, which seem to have been built into our time and perhaps into the human constitution. But I also feel that the sense of hope and possibility is also built in over the millennia of human coping. It is no small part of the new transformative insights that they have released this sense of hope and possibility. **Forward to ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson (1980) *I have believed in love and work, and their linkage. I have believed that we are neither angels nor devils, but humans, with clusters of potentials in both directions. I am neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a possibilist. **Lerner's summary of his life for "Who's Who in America," quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *We should be less concerned about the missile gap than the intelligence gap... less worried about the missile race than the intelligence race. **Quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) === ''Public Journal'' (1945) === * I have little patience, on this two hundredth anniversary of Thomas Jefferson's birth, with the mealy mouthings about Jefferson's ideals. The focus of attention should not be on Jefferson but on us, his children. For the first thing that to remember about Jefferson is that he never looked backward, did not want the dead to govern the living from their graves. And the second is that he was a revolutionary, who fought with the weapons of ideas for the high stakes of freedom.<br>The recent trend in the Jefferson studies has been to show him as a human being, and it is a good trend. Jefferson was no steel engraving but a flesh-and-blood man, full of contradictions- at once aristocrat and democrat, a gracious plantation owner and a leader of the agrarian masses, an internationalist and an isolationist, a man who loved music and the theater and architecture and books but spent all his life in politics, a thinker who found no idea too vast for him and a practical man who found no ideal too minute. ** "Jefferson's Children," first published 13 April 1943, p. 110 * To humanize or glorify a man is one thing; to grasp his place in the history of the human spirit is quite another. Jefferson was part of a bursting world of new ideas. Yet he was dedicated to the commonwealth, with a sense of dedication whcih came partly from the classical authors he read so eagerly and partly from the American soil and the American climate. The ruling group to which he belonged identified itself with the lower classes in a common revolutionary impulse against British tyranny. But Americans were fighting for more than their freedom. They were fighting for a vision of a new world- one in which men, however imperfectly, could shape their own destinies.<br>It is that vision that must be our heritage of him. Jefferson's politics and his program have been outdated by the march of the machine and the flight of the plane. But his openness of mind, his revolutionary spirit, his belief in men's potentialities will never be outdated. ** p. 110-111 * The tragic thing is that those qualities no longer describe his children. Our ruling economic group no longer lives gracefully nor thinks spaciously. Without having lost its tenacious will to rule, it has lost its sense of moral dedication. We as a people lost our openness to new ideas, our sense of being a new world. We might ask ourselves, as we commemorate Jefferson, what he would think if he knew that his descendants were preparing to be the last bastion of a reactionary European ruling group against the new forces and ideas of European democrats. And what he would think if he knew that out of fear of the Russian revolutionary ideas, we were pushing around the Fighting French, the Free Italians, the Spanish Loyalists, and the others who have fought and died for freedom, and who are the true inheritors of the European Enlightenment of Jefferson's day. ** p. 111 * If we care about Jefferson, we would do well to cease our efforts to stifle his spirit as it exists in the world today. Somewhere in the world there is perhaps another Jefferson who is trying to do for our era what Jefferson did for his. It is someone with deep culture, and a belief in reason, a revolutionary spirit, and a passion for freedom. For a moment as I write this it occurs to me that perhaps it is Jawaharlal Nehru. But of course it couldn't be: else he would not have been put in prison by those who are fighting a war of liberation. Perhaps Jefferson is somewhere in Europe, in one of the underground movements, organizing sabotage against the Nazis and preparing a new Declaration of Independence. If he is there, will our soldiers be fighting on his side when they invade Europe, or will the needs of appeasement put him in a concentration camp? ** p. 111 * I have been looking through the pictures of the battle of Detroit. They are not pretty, and they are nothing for Americans to be proud of. I don't mean just the blood and the pain that you see on the faces of the men. Nor do I mean just the more than a score dead and the hundreds of wounded in the hospitals. Pain and suffering and the fact of death itself are less important than the cause for which they are endured. But this cause is so meaningless, so deformed. The key to the tragedy of Detroit is the fear and hatred that you can read on the faces of the men and women in the pictures. It is the mask of Caliban enveloping a mob that is wreaking its cruelty on the helpless and the innocent. This hatred- not of the common enemy but of our own American brothers- is a twisted emotion that shows up all the ugliness of the American soul. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 114-115 * What dolts we are, to dehumanize ourselves. And in what cause? In Hitler's, as far as immediate consequences go. The men who set these riots off, whether they be Bundists or Ku Klux Klanners, followers of Paul Joseph Goebbels or Gerald L. K. Smith, are doing Hitler's work here. That much is simple. Hitler would be foolish if he did not use this weapon, especially at a time when he is desperate. It is as if he were to send saboteurs among us- only instead of destroying bridges they destroy our sense of decency and instead of disrupting communications they disrupt our living and working together. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * It is too easy to find alibis that wash the guilt away from those who took part in the riots, and from the whole American nation. We cry: "Nazi instigators." We cry: "Kluxers." We create something fancy and objective, like "race tensions" and "race prejudice" that we discuss in a detached way. The Kluxers and the Bundists undoubtedly lit the match in every instance. But in every instance our America furnished the flammable material.<br>What have we done to ease the daily crucifixion of the Negro in our midst, which leaves in him a smoldering bitterness? What have we done to give him fair employment in our war industries and elsewhere? What have we done to break down Jim Crowism in the armed forces? What have we done, by word and deed, to make him see that he has a share in this war and in the world?<br>What have we done, in turn, to cleanse the hatred and ignorance from the whites among us? What have we done to make them see that we are in a war against fascism, and that the essence of Fascism is to treat some men as sub-men because of color and creed? What have we done to teach an understanding of the creative contribution of our minority groups toward the total American culture? What have the Government and business and trade unions done to develop going experiments in which white and black can work and live side by side? ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * Our spokesmen talk of re-educating Nazi Germany, of liberating Europe. We have some re-educating to do at home. The liberator must liberate himself.<br>Look in yoru own hearts, Americans. These men in the Detroit streets- these men splattered with blood, cowering in fear, their faces bashed in, their homes looted and burned, their spirits broken- these men, whatever their color may be, are bone of your bone. These other men and women who have done the destruction, their faces bestial and fury-driven- these are also of your own America.<br>American men and women: this is your task. The suffering is yours, and the guilt is yours. You must learn what the facts are, but the facts will not themselves set you free. You must set yourselves free of hate and discrimination, of blindness and inaction. No one can do that for you- not even the federal government. It can help, but you must not lean entirely on that help. The papers say that the Detroit riots have cut down war production. True. But what a curious way of putting it. Negroes are not just machines for turning out planes and ships. Negroes are human beings and Americans. What the riots have cut down is the stature of America. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 116 * The root of the racist evil must be found in the soil of American life as a whole. A program of action against the racist evil must be a national program. It must be based on the premise that while it is no doubt that Klansmen and other native fascists are always willing to apply the torch to the race problem, the combustible stuff for the fire is to be found in the way we treat the Negro. And the further premise that this stuff must be cleaned out.<br>The paradox of the relation of the whites to the Negro is that they deny him a chance at a job and call him shiftless; they segregate him in the worst slums under conditions that breed criminality, and then call him vicious; they deny him education and then call him ignorant.<br>I do not say that no progress has been made, nor that we treat the Negroes in a Nazi way. The Nazis glory in their racist ideas and persecution: we hang our heads in shame at ours. As a nation we have been moving slowly toward a decent treatment of Negroes. Too slowly- that is the point. I know of few Negroes who expect the overnight miracle of complete justice and equality. But I also know of very few who do not want from us a more substantial token than we have given of our intent to apply to them the principles of ethnic democracy. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 116-117 * The Negro is becoming an integral part of our economic life. That trend is here to stay. The war has speeded it up, by bringing more Negroes into the war industries. But the war did not invent the trend. Insofar as the racist riots are an unreasoning protest against the newly emerging industrial position of Negroes, they are only an incident in a long historical process. Seen thus, they become as fruitless as the attempts of the Machine Wreckers in the early nineteenths century to hold back the tide of industrialism. But while I am convinced that the process cannot be stopped, much can be done to ease the transition. The going is slow because the obstacles are many. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 117 * Pass a new Federal Civil Rights statute, as Carey McWilliams has been urging. I am convinced that the problem of drafting it is not too difficult. Recent Supreme Court decisions also point to its constitutionality. The real problems will be those of enforcement. But, however hard that may be, let us at least put it on the record that as a matter of national policy we outlaw lynching, Jim Crowism, and racial injustice in every form. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118 * Create experimental mixed units of volunteers in the Army and Navy. No one need be forced into them. But there are plenty of Americans, white and black, who would want to give democracy a chance in the armed forces. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118-119 * You will say, this is a long road. Injustice is longer. You will say, this is drastic. Bloodshed and hate are more drastic. You will say, it can't be done. But that is just what the enemies of American life are counting on you to say. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 119 * No American has a constitutional duty to like all or any of his fellow-Americans. Although I must add as a footnote that to dislike someone before you know him seems to me stupid. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 124 * That is why we must speak out for freedom, wherever it may be threatened. Violence may be infectious, but freedom and courage are also infectious. The big test of American liberty will come in the let-down after the war. If we do not now learn the habits of speaking out for freedom and fighting for it, we will make poor defenders when we are confronted by the big battalions. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 126 * I will close on a personal matter. Any teacher who lets himself be commanded as to what he will or will not say becomes an intellectual eunuch. I have myself taught at colleges, on and off, for a decade. If at any time a President had told me what to teach, I should have had to resign. Otherwise I could not have looked in a mirror. ** "Freedom and the Teacher," first published 16 February 1944, p. 142 === ''The Unfinished Country'' (1959) === *A President is best judged by the enemies he makes when he has really hit his stride. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&dq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The real sadness of fifty is not that you change so much but that you change so little. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&dq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The crime of book purging is that it involves a rejection of the word... To reject the word is to reject the human search. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/8Bei5rr3fwUC?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&dq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&printsec=frontcover The ''Unfinished Country''] ==Quotes About Max Lerner== *Nevertheless, as readers familiar with Mr. Lerner's previous works know, the range of his interests is amazing. In this book he comments on such diverse matters as [[Harry S. Truman|President Truman]]'s handling of the 1946 railroad strike..., [[Charlie Chaplin]]'s superb ability as a mime, [[H. G. Wells]]'s imaginative writing, [[Palestine]], the [[cold war]], [[Trotsky]] and [[Stalin]], the evil of the [[Ku Klux Klan]], Jim Crowism, the 1948 political conventions, and the management of the Brooklyn Dodgers. In all of these and the many other pieces which make up the book the Enemy is always [[Status Quo]]. **[https://www.unz.com/print/SaturdayRev-1949mar26-00015/ ''Actions and Passions'', By Max Lerner, Reviewed by Wellington Roe], ''The Saturday Review'', (26 March 1949) *To see ourselves as we aren't, but as he would like us to be, read ''Actions and Passions'', by Max Lerner (Simon & Schuster, $3.50). He calls these chapters "Notes on the Multiple Revolution of our Time," which of course they are, since they concern today's upside-down world. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Brilliant as he is, Lerner suffers from anguish over the capitalists. He is not pro-Communist... The exigencies of writing each day for a daily might be the cause of his continual harping on the wrongs done minorities, which makes far more noise rather than a sound appeal for their rights. Another safe target are corporations and their selfish attacks on labor unions, and even government regulations against strikes.... His dispatches on the 1948 Philadelphia conventions, both Republican and Democratic, analyze well public sentiment over the two parties and their candidates, even if Lerner guessed wrong about the outcome. His appraisals of the personalities of Wallace, Truman, and others sound solid and reasonable, and much of his thinking on domestic political questions is keen and supportable. All in all, one can disagree with what Lerner writes but still admit that the way he writes is stimulating, pro and con. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Max Lerner, an educator, journalist and student of American civilization who was for many years a syndicated columnist for ''The New York Post'', died yesterday... He was 89 ... Mr. Lerner was one of the more conspicuous of the post-World War II nonfiction writers, a humanist whose unabashed liberal conscience led him to the political barricades for more than three decades. Many of his concerns now seem prescient. In 1959, for example, in a speech at Douglass College in New Brunswick, N.J., Mr. Lerner called for the formation of an antiwar elite, making it clear that he was worried about what he saw as growing mediocrity among American students. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *With all the turmoil of the mid- and late 20th century, Mr. Lerner insisted that he preferred the present "awful but magnificent" era to any other in history. But in a book he wrote in 1957, ''America as a Civilization: Life and Thought in the United States Today,'' he talked of his age as a time in which there was a "fear of ideas and the tenacious cult of property." His espousal of ideas regarded as liberal in the 1950's did not sit well with everyone... Between 1932 and 1935, Mr. Lerner served on the faculty of both Sarah Lawrence College and the Wellesley Summer Institute. After a brief stint teaching at Harvard, he edited ''The Nation'' magazine for a time and then taught political science at Williams College from 1938 to 1943. Before joining The Post in 1949, he also wrote columns for ''The New York Star.''.. He continued writing for The Post until two weeks ago. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lerner, Maxwell Alan}} [[Category:1902 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:People from Minsk]] [[Category:Williams College faculty]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:Wellesley College faculty]] 3x18jhonrks0kn81p7k8ca6txgu9gud 3944264 3944261 2026-05-22T19:31:59Z AC9016 2870313 /* Public Journal (1945) */ 3944264 wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:Max Lerner|'''Maxwell "Max" Alan Lerner''']] (December 20, 1902 – June 5, 1992) was an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:Journalist|journalist]] and educator known for his controversial syndicated [[w:column (periodical)|column]]. [[File:Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940.jpg|thumb|Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940]] ==Quotes== * The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=szVGoBq-dkEC&q=%22actually+The+so-called+lessons+of+history+are+for+the+most+part+the+rationalizations+of+the+victors+history+is+written+by+the+survivors%22&pg=PA255#v=onepage ''It Is Later Than You Think: The Need for a Militant Democracy''] (1939) *Years from now, when historians can look back and put our time into perspective, they will say that of its towering figures—more truly great than generals and diplomats, business grants and labor grants, bigger than most of our presidents—was a man called [[Louis Brandeis|Brandeis]]. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Letters_of_Louis_D_Brandeis_Volume_III_1/aiDvBgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Years+from+now,+when+historians+can+look+%22&pg=PP4&printsec=frontcover ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis''] *Life is a protracted struggle against the Adversary, who is man himself. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Essential_Quotes_for_Scientists_and_Engi/PIogEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Life+is+a+protracted+struggle+against+the%22&pg=PA200&printsec=frontcover ''Essential Quotes for Scientists and Engineers''] *[[Marilyn Ferguson]] is the best reporter today on the farther reaches of investigation into the life and human sciences. She represents a new kind of investigative journalist—not a sleuth after the corruptions of a politician but one tracking the spoor of a new research idea in all its windings; following it to its sources and its affinities in allied fields, its conclusions, its implications for the whole spectrum of human thought and consciousness... Nietzsche talked of philosophy as the gay science, the joyful science, and to Marilyn Ferguson the area of knowledge she has staked out for her reporting and synthesizing is a joyful science. **Forward to [[Marilyn_Ferguson#The_Aquarian_Conspiracy_(1980)|''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson]] (1980) *I have for some time been impatient with the prevailing sense of pessimism and despair, especially among the intellectual and professional groups of the "New Class." I am not blind to the tragic and absurd, which seem to have been built into our time and perhaps into the human constitution. But I also feel that the sense of hope and possibility is also built in over the millennia of human coping. It is no small part of the new transformative insights that they have released this sense of hope and possibility. **Forward to ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson (1980) *I have believed in love and work, and their linkage. I have believed that we are neither angels nor devils, but humans, with clusters of potentials in both directions. I am neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a possibilist. **Lerner's summary of his life for "Who's Who in America," quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *We should be less concerned about the missile gap than the intelligence gap... less worried about the missile race than the intelligence race. **Quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) === ''Public Journal'' (1945) === * I have little patience, on this two hundredth anniversary of Thomas Jefferson's birth, with the mealy mouthings about Jefferson's ideals. The focus of attention should not be on Jefferson but on us, his children. For the first thing that to remember about Jefferson is that he never looked backward, did not want the dead to govern the living from their graves. And the second is that he was a revolutionary, who fought with the weapons of ideas for the high stakes of freedom.<br>The recent trend in the Jefferson studies has been to show him as a human being, and it is a good trend. Jefferson was no steel engraving but a flesh-and-blood man, full of contradictions- at once aristocrat and democrat, a gracious plantation owner and a leader of the agrarian masses, an internationalist and an isolationist, a man who loved music and the theater and architecture and books but spent all his life in politics, a thinker who found no idea too vast for him and a practical man who found no ideal too minute. ** "Jefferson's Children," first published 13 April 1943, p. 110 * To humanize or glorify a man is one thing; to grasp his place in the history of the human spirit is quite another. Jefferson was part of a bursting world of new ideas. Yet he was dedicated to the commonwealth, with a sense of dedication whcih came partly from the classical authors he read so eagerly and partly from the American soil and the American climate. The ruling group to which he belonged identified itself with the lower classes in a common revolutionary impulse against British tyranny. But Americans were fighting for more than their freedom. They were fighting for a vision of a new world- one in which men, however imperfectly, could shape their own destinies.<br>It is that vision that must be our heritage of him. Jefferson's politics and his program have been outdated by the march of the machine and the flight of the plane. But his openness of mind, his revolutionary spirit, his belief in men's potentialities will never be outdated. ** p. 110-111 * The tragic thing is that those qualities no longer describe his children. Our ruling economic group no longer lives gracefully nor thinks spaciously. Without having lost its tenacious will to rule, it has lost its sense of moral dedication. We as a people lost our openness to new ideas, our sense of being a new world. We might ask ourselves, as we commemorate Jefferson, what he would think if he knew that his descendants were preparing to be the last bastion of a reactionary European ruling group against the new forces and ideas of European democrats. And what he would think if he knew that out of fear of the Russian revolutionary ideas, we were pushing around the Fighting French, the Free Italians, the Spanish Loyalists, and the others who have fought and died for freedom, and who are the true inheritors of the European Enlightenment of Jefferson's day. ** p. 111 * If we care about Jefferson, we would do well to cease our efforts to stifle his spirit as it exists in the world today. Somewhere in the world there is perhaps another Jefferson who is trying to do for our era what Jefferson did for his. It is someone with deep culture, and a belief in reason, a revolutionary spirit, and a passion for freedom. For a moment as I write this it occurs to me that perhaps it is Jawaharlal Nehru. But of course it couldn't be: else he would not have been put in prison by those who are fighting a war of liberation. Perhaps Jefferson is somewhere in Europe, in one of the underground movements, organizing sabotage against the Nazis and preparing a new Declaration of Independence. If he is there, will our soldiers be fighting on his side when they invade Europe, or will the needs of appeasement put him in a concentration camp? ** p. 111 * I have been looking through the pictures of the battle of Detroit. They are not pretty, and they are nothing for Americans to be proud of. I don't mean just the blood and the pain that you see on the faces of the men. Nor do I mean just the more than a score dead and the hundreds of wounded in the hospitals. Pain and suffering and the fact of death itself are less important than the cause for which they are endured. But this cause is so meaningless, so deformed. The key to the tragedy of Detroit is the fear and hatred that you can read on the faces of the men and women in the pictures. It is the mask of Caliban enveloping a mob that is wreaking its cruelty on the helpless and the innocent. This hatred- not of the common enemy but of our own American brothers- is a twisted emotion that shows up all the ugliness of the American soul. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 114-115 * What dolts we are, to dehumanize ourselves. And in what cause? In Hitler's, as far as immediate consequences go. The men who set these riots off, whether they be Bundists or Ku Klux Klanners, followers of Paul Joseph Goebbels or Gerald L. K. Smith, are doing Hitler's work here. That much is simple. Hitler would be foolish if he did not use this weapon, especially at a time when he is desperate. It is as if he were to send saboteurs among us- only instead of destroying bridges they destroy our sense of decency and instead of disrupting communications they disrupt our living and working together. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * It is too easy to find alibis that wash the guilt away from those who took part in the riots, and from the whole American nation. We cry: "Nazi instigators." We cry: "Kluxers." We create something fancy and objective, like "race tensions" and "race prejudice" that we discuss in a detached way. The Kluxers and the Bundists undoubtedly lit the match in every instance. But in every instance our America furnished the flammable material.<br>What have we done to ease the daily crucifixion of the Negro in our midst, which leaves in him a smoldering bitterness? What have we done to give him fair employment in our war industries and elsewhere? What have we done to break down Jim Crowism in the armed forces? What have we done, by word and deed, to make him see that he has a share in this war and in the world?<br>What have we done, in turn, to cleanse the hatred and ignorance from the whites among us? What have we done to make them see that we are in a war against fascism, and that the essence of Fascism is to treat some men as sub-men because of color and creed? What have we done to teach an understanding of the creative contribution of our minority groups toward the total American culture? What have the Government and business and trade unions done to develop going experiments in which white and black can work and live side by side? ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * Our spokesmen talk of re-educating Nazi Germany, of liberating Europe. We have some re-educating to do at home. The liberator must liberate himself.<br>Look in yoru own hearts, Americans. These men in the Detroit streets- these men splattered with blood, cowering in fear, their faces bashed in, their homes looted and burned, their spirits broken- these men, whatever their color may be, are bone of your bone. These other men and women who have done the destruction, their faces bestial and fury-driven- these are also of your own America.<br>American men and women: this is your task. The suffering is yours, and the guilt is yours. You must learn what the facts are, but the facts will not themselves set you free. You must set yourselves free of hate and discrimination, of blindness and inaction. No one can do that for you- not even the federal government. It can help, but you must not lean entirely on that help. The papers say that the Detroit riots have cut down war production. True. But what a curious way of putting it. Negroes are not just machines for turning out planes and ships. Negroes are human beings and Americans. What the riots have cut down is the stature of America. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 116 * The root of the racist evil must be found in the soil of American life as a whole. A program of action against the racist evil must be a national program. It must be based on the premise that while it is no doubt that Klansmen and other native fascists are always willing to apply the torch to the race problem, the combustible stuff for the fire is to be found in the way we treat the Negro. And the further premise that this stuff must be cleaned out.<br>The paradox of the relation of the whites to the Negro is that they deny him a chance at a job and call him shiftless; they segregate him in the worst slums under conditions that breed criminality, and then call him vicious; they deny him education and then call him ignorant.<br>I do not say that no progress has been made, nor that we treat the Negroes in a Nazi way. The Nazis glory in their racist ideas and persecution: we hang our heads in shame at ours. As a nation we have been moving slowly toward a decent treatment of Negroes. Too slowly- that is the point. I know of few Negroes who expect the overnight miracle of complete justice and equality. But I also know of very few who do not want from us a more substantial token than we have given of our intent to apply to them the principles of ethnic democracy. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 116-117 * The Negro is becoming an integral part of our economic life. That trend is here to stay. The war has speeded it up, by bringing more Negroes into the war industries. But the war did not invent the trend. Insofar as the racist riots are an unreasoning protest against the newly emerging industrial position of Negroes, they are only an incident in a long historical process. Seen thus, they become as fruitless as the attempts of the Machine Wreckers in the early nineteenths century to hold back the tide of industrialism. But while I am convinced that the process cannot be stopped, much can be done to ease the transition. The going is slow because the obstacles are many. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 117 * Pass a new Federal Civil Rights statute, as Carey McWilliams has been urging. I am convinced that the problem of drafting it is not too difficult. Recent Supreme Court decisions also point to its constitutionality. The real problems will be those of enforcement. But, however hard that may be, let us at least put it on the record that as a matter of national policy we outlaw lynching, Jim Crowism, and racial injustice in every form. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118 * Create experimental mixed units of volunteers in the Army and Navy. No one need be forced into them. But there are plenty of Americans, white and black, who would want to give democracy a chance in the armed forces. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118-119 * You will say, this is a long road. Injustice is longer. You will say, this is drastic. Bloodshed and hate are more drastic. You will say, it can't be done. But that is just what the enemies of American life are counting on you to say. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 119 * No American has a constitutional duty to like all or any of his fellow-Americans. Although I must add as a footnote that to dislike someone before you know him seems to me stupid. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 124 * That is why we must speak out for freedom, wherever it may be threatened. Violence may be infectious, but freedom and courage are also infectious. The big test of American liberty will come in the let-down after the war. If we do not now learn the habits of speaking out for freedom and fighting for it, we will make poor defenders when we are confronted by the big battalions. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 126 * I will close on a personal matter. Any teacher who lets himself be commanded as to what he will or will not say becomes an intellectual eunuch. I have myself taught at colleges, on and off, for a decade. If at any time a President had told me what to teach, I should have had to resign. Otherwise I could not have looked in a mirror. ** "Freedom and the Teacher," first published 16 February 1944, p. 142 * We live at a time when the great enemy of the human spirit is the fascist idea. The first stronghold against that idea should be the school, our first line of defense must be the students, and their commanders should be the teachers. I can understand the danger of brash and unthinking statements on the part of a student, and the teacher has the duty of holding him to a discipline and integrity of thought. But too many teachers blanch when the word fascism is even mentioned, as if the too open discussion of it might offend vested interests in their community. It is one thing to demand integrity of the student. It is quite another to give him the feeling that he is skating on thin ice when he so much as mentions fascism, and that in the face of it he must observe the etiquette and niceties of the diplomatic corps. ** "An Episode in School," first published 18 October 1944, p. 144 * Whatever the social roots are from which the fascist poison springs, the moral roots by which it grows and spreads are the weakness and cowardice with which we stand up for the democratic idea. Weapons without ideas are blind. And only courage, whether in the classroom or the home or the church or the factory or the halls of Congress, will give passion and direction to the weapons with which we are freeing the world, and hope to rebuild it. ** "An Episode in School," first published 18 October 1944, p. 144 * No one can say that a mounting national income, a shrinking unemployment, and an expanding economy are in themselves adequate to create the good life and the good society for Americans. But it is certain that without them the good life and the good society have no chance. It is certain that a shrinking national income, a mounting unemployment and a contracting economy are the sure road to a fascist society and to man's inhumanity to man. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 406 * Education has been taken out of the area of private profit and has been recognized as a public responsibility. But the fight still goes on to limit the local school facilities to the local economic level, and to keep the people from underwriting an adequate educational program through federal funds. So far as this means that only some of those who hunger for books and ideas and the chance to work in laboratories will have their hunger sated, it goes against the American grain. For the American tradition is one of the career open to talent, wherever it may be found; and of an elite not frozen by caste or wealth but drawn from the children of the people in an ever renewing circulation of ability in a democracy. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 408 * The war has shaken up people's lives, given them new exposures, new mobility, new perspectives, access to new experience. It will be difficult to shut tight the vistas that have thus been opened up. We move toward tomorrow with the conviction that all the energy and geniality of our vast continent is best expressed in the quality of the life the ordinary American can live. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 408-409 === ''The Unfinished Country'' (1959) === *A President is best judged by the enemies he makes when he has really hit his stride. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&dq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The real sadness of fifty is not that you change so much but that you change so little. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&dq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The crime of book purging is that it involves a rejection of the word... To reject the word is to reject the human search. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/8Bei5rr3fwUC?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&dq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&printsec=frontcover The ''Unfinished Country''] ==Quotes About Max Lerner== *Nevertheless, as readers familiar with Mr. Lerner's previous works know, the range of his interests is amazing. In this book he comments on such diverse matters as [[Harry S. Truman|President Truman]]'s handling of the 1946 railroad strike..., [[Charlie Chaplin]]'s superb ability as a mime, [[H. G. Wells]]'s imaginative writing, [[Palestine]], the [[cold war]], [[Trotsky]] and [[Stalin]], the evil of the [[Ku Klux Klan]], Jim Crowism, the 1948 political conventions, and the management of the Brooklyn Dodgers. In all of these and the many other pieces which make up the book the Enemy is always [[Status Quo]]. **[https://www.unz.com/print/SaturdayRev-1949mar26-00015/ ''Actions and Passions'', By Max Lerner, Reviewed by Wellington Roe], ''The Saturday Review'', (26 March 1949) *To see ourselves as we aren't, but as he would like us to be, read ''Actions and Passions'', by Max Lerner (Simon & Schuster, $3.50). He calls these chapters "Notes on the Multiple Revolution of our Time," which of course they are, since they concern today's upside-down world. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Brilliant as he is, Lerner suffers from anguish over the capitalists. He is not pro-Communist... The exigencies of writing each day for a daily might be the cause of his continual harping on the wrongs done minorities, which makes far more noise rather than a sound appeal for their rights. Another safe target are corporations and their selfish attacks on labor unions, and even government regulations against strikes.... His dispatches on the 1948 Philadelphia conventions, both Republican and Democratic, analyze well public sentiment over the two parties and their candidates, even if Lerner guessed wrong about the outcome. His appraisals of the personalities of Wallace, Truman, and others sound solid and reasonable, and much of his thinking on domestic political questions is keen and supportable. All in all, one can disagree with what Lerner writes but still admit that the way he writes is stimulating, pro and con. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Max Lerner, an educator, journalist and student of American civilization who was for many years a syndicated columnist for ''The New York Post'', died yesterday... He was 89 ... Mr. Lerner was one of the more conspicuous of the post-World War II nonfiction writers, a humanist whose unabashed liberal conscience led him to the political barricades for more than three decades. Many of his concerns now seem prescient. In 1959, for example, in a speech at Douglass College in New Brunswick, N.J., Mr. Lerner called for the formation of an antiwar elite, making it clear that he was worried about what he saw as growing mediocrity among American students. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *With all the turmoil of the mid- and late 20th century, Mr. Lerner insisted that he preferred the present "awful but magnificent" era to any other in history. But in a book he wrote in 1957, ''America as a Civilization: Life and Thought in the United States Today,'' he talked of his age as a time in which there was a "fear of ideas and the tenacious cult of property." His espousal of ideas regarded as liberal in the 1950's did not sit well with everyone... Between 1932 and 1935, Mr. Lerner served on the faculty of both Sarah Lawrence College and the Wellesley Summer Institute. After a brief stint teaching at Harvard, he edited ''The Nation'' magazine for a time and then taught political science at Williams College from 1938 to 1943. Before joining The Post in 1949, he also wrote columns for ''The New York Star.''.. He continued writing for The Post until two weeks ago. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lerner, Maxwell Alan}} [[Category:1902 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:People from Minsk]] [[Category:Williams College faculty]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:Wellesley College faculty]] 801az4ucf5pbgl1dvvjbuexf08rmjn7 3944266 3944264 2026-05-22T19:38:18Z AC9016 2870313 /* Public Journal (1945) */ 3944266 wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:Max Lerner|'''Maxwell "Max" Alan Lerner''']] (December 20, 1902 – June 5, 1992) was an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:Journalist|journalist]] and educator known for his controversial syndicated [[w:column (periodical)|column]]. [[File:Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940.jpg|thumb|Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940]] ==Quotes== * The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=szVGoBq-dkEC&q=%22actually+The+so-called+lessons+of+history+are+for+the+most+part+the+rationalizations+of+the+victors+history+is+written+by+the+survivors%22&pg=PA255#v=onepage ''It Is Later Than You Think: The Need for a Militant Democracy''] (1939) *Years from now, when historians can look back and put our time into perspective, they will say that of its towering figures—more truly great than generals and diplomats, business grants and labor grants, bigger than most of our presidents—was a man called [[Louis Brandeis|Brandeis]]. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Letters_of_Louis_D_Brandeis_Volume_III_1/aiDvBgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Years+from+now,+when+historians+can+look+%22&pg=PP4&printsec=frontcover ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis''] *Life is a protracted struggle against the Adversary, who is man himself. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Essential_Quotes_for_Scientists_and_Engi/PIogEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Life+is+a+protracted+struggle+against+the%22&pg=PA200&printsec=frontcover ''Essential Quotes for Scientists and Engineers''] *[[Marilyn Ferguson]] is the best reporter today on the farther reaches of investigation into the life and human sciences. She represents a new kind of investigative journalist—not a sleuth after the corruptions of a politician but one tracking the spoor of a new research idea in all its windings; following it to its sources and its affinities in allied fields, its conclusions, its implications for the whole spectrum of human thought and consciousness... Nietzsche talked of philosophy as the gay science, the joyful science, and to Marilyn Ferguson the area of knowledge she has staked out for her reporting and synthesizing is a joyful science. **Forward to [[Marilyn_Ferguson#The_Aquarian_Conspiracy_(1980)|''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson]] (1980) *I have for some time been impatient with the prevailing sense of pessimism and despair, especially among the intellectual and professional groups of the "New Class." I am not blind to the tragic and absurd, which seem to have been built into our time and perhaps into the human constitution. But I also feel that the sense of hope and possibility is also built in over the millennia of human coping. It is no small part of the new transformative insights that they have released this sense of hope and possibility. **Forward to ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson (1980) *I have believed in love and work, and their linkage. I have believed that we are neither angels nor devils, but humans, with clusters of potentials in both directions. I am neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a possibilist. **Lerner's summary of his life for "Who's Who in America," quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *We should be less concerned about the missile gap than the intelligence gap... less worried about the missile race than the intelligence race. **Quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) === ''Public Journal'' (1945) === * One final word. I will not say that to pin your soul on your sleeve for brickbats to be hurled at, four times a week, is always a pleasant mode of life. But it is the price you pay for the luxury of roaming over the whole area of human affairs, with the freedom to choose anything- relevant or irrelevant to the great news of the day- as the subject of your discourse. To combine the journal-keeping instinct with the pleasures of the backseat driver- that is the felicity of writing a public journal. ** "Foreword," p. viii * The teen-age years have been at once the despair and fascination of novelists and playwrights. They are the gawkiest years of life, and the most precarious, with stirrings of beauty and desire and adventure, all of them this side of the articulate. ** "Seventeen," first published 9 April 1943, p. 17 * I have little patience, on this two hundredth anniversary of Thomas Jefferson's birth, with the mealy mouthings about Jefferson's ideals. The focus of attention should not be on Jefferson but on us, his children. For the first thing that to remember about Jefferson is that he never looked backward, did not want the dead to govern the living from their graves. And the second is that he was a revolutionary, who fought with the weapons of ideas for the high stakes of freedom.<br>The recent trend in the Jefferson studies has been to show him as a human being, and it is a good trend. '''Jefferson was no steel engraving but a flesh-and-blood man, full of contradictions- at once aristocrat and democrat, a gracious plantation owner and a leader of the agrarian masses, an internationalist and an isolationist, a man who loved music and the theater and architecture and books but spent all his life in politics, a thinker who found no idea too vast for him and a practical man who found no ideal too minute.''' ** "Jefferson's Children," first published 13 April 1943, p. 110 * '''To humanize or glorify a man is one thing; to grasp his place in the history of the human spirit is quite another.''' Jefferson was part of a bursting world of new ideas. Yet he was dedicated to the commonwealth, with a sense of dedication whcih came partly from the classical authors he read so eagerly and partly from the American soil and the American climate. The ruling group to which he belonged identified itself with the lower classes in a common revolutionary impulse against British tyranny. But Americans were fighting for more than their freedom. They were fighting for a vision of a new world- one in which men, however imperfectly, could shape their own destinies.<br>It is that vision that must be our heritage of him. Jefferson's politics and his program have been outdated by the march of the machine and the flight of the plane. But his openness of mind, his revolutionary spirit, his belief in men's potentialities will never be outdated. ** p. 110-111 * The tragic thing is that those qualities no longer describe his children. Our ruling economic group no longer lives gracefully nor thinks spaciously. Without having lost its tenacious will to rule, it has lost its sense of moral dedication. We as a people lost our openness to new ideas, our sense of being a new world. We might ask ourselves, as we commemorate Jefferson, what he would think if he knew that his descendants were preparing to be the last bastion of a reactionary European ruling group against the new forces and ideas of European democrats. And what he would think if he knew that out of fear of the Russian revolutionary ideas, we were pushing around the Fighting French, the Free Italians, the Spanish Loyalists, and the others who have fought and died for freedom, and who are the true inheritors of the European Enlightenment of Jefferson's day. ** p. 111 * If we care about Jefferson, we would do well to cease our efforts to stifle his spirit as it exists in the world today. Somewhere in the world there is perhaps another Jefferson who is trying to do for our era what Jefferson did for his. It is someone with deep culture, and a belief in reason, a revolutionary spirit, and a passion for freedom. For a moment as I write this it occurs to me that perhaps it is Jawaharlal Nehru. But of course it couldn't be: else he would not have been put in prison by those who are fighting a war of liberation. Perhaps Jefferson is somewhere in Europe, in one of the underground movements, organizing sabotage against the Nazis and preparing a new Declaration of Independence. If he is there, will our soldiers be fighting on his side when they invade Europe, or will the needs of appeasement put him in a concentration camp? ** p. 111 * I have been looking through the pictures of the battle of Detroit. They are not pretty, and they are nothing for Americans to be proud of. I don't mean just the blood and the pain that you see on the faces of the men. Nor do I mean just the more than a score dead and the hundreds of wounded in the hospitals. Pain and suffering and the fact of death itself are less important than the cause for which they are endured. But this cause is so meaningless, so deformed. The key to the tragedy of Detroit is the fear and hatred that you can read on the faces of the men and women in the pictures. It is the mask of Caliban enveloping a mob that is wreaking its cruelty on the helpless and the innocent. This hatred- not of the common enemy but of our own American brothers- is a twisted emotion that shows up all the ugliness of the American soul. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 114-115 * What dolts we are, to dehumanize ourselves. And in what cause? In Hitler's, as far as immediate consequences go. The men who set these riots off, whether they be Bundists or Ku Klux Klanners, followers of Paul Joseph Goebbels or Gerald L. K. Smith, are doing Hitler's work here. That much is simple. Hitler would be foolish if he did not use this weapon, especially at a time when he is desperate. It is as if he were to send saboteurs among us- only instead of destroying bridges they destroy our sense of decency and instead of disrupting communications they disrupt our living and working together. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * It is too easy to find alibis that wash the guilt away from those who took part in the riots, and from the whole American nation. We cry: "Nazi instigators." We cry: "Kluxers." We create something fancy and objective, like "race tensions" and "race prejudice" that we discuss in a detached way. The Kluxers and the Bundists undoubtedly lit the match in every instance. But in every instance our America furnished the flammable material.<br>What have we done to ease the daily crucifixion of the Negro in our midst, which leaves in him a smoldering bitterness? What have we done to give him fair employment in our war industries and elsewhere? What have we done to break down Jim Crowism in the armed forces? What have we done, by word and deed, to make him see that he has a share in this war and in the world?<br>What have we done, in turn, to cleanse the hatred and ignorance from the whites among us? What have we done to make them see that we are in a war against fascism, and that the essence of Fascism is to treat some men as sub-men because of color and creed? What have we done to teach an understanding of the creative contribution of our minority groups toward the total American culture? What have the Government and business and trade unions done to develop going experiments in which white and black can work and live side by side? ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * Our spokesmen talk of re-educating Nazi Germany, of liberating Europe. We have some re-educating to do at home. The liberator must liberate himself.<br>Look in yoru own hearts, Americans. These men in the Detroit streets- these men splattered with blood, cowering in fear, their faces bashed in, their homes looted and burned, their spirits broken- these men, whatever their color may be, are bone of your bone. These other men and women who have done the destruction, their faces bestial and fury-driven- these are also of your own America.<br>American men and women: this is your task. The suffering is yours, and the guilt is yours. You must learn what the facts are, but the facts will not themselves set you free. You must set yourselves free of hate and discrimination, of blindness and inaction. No one can do that for you- not even the federal government. It can help, but you must not lean entirely on that help. The papers say that the Detroit riots have cut down war production. True. But what a curious way of putting it. Negroes are not just machines for turning out planes and ships. Negroes are human beings and Americans. What the riots have cut down is the stature of America. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 116 * The root of the racist evil must be found in the soil of American life as a whole. A program of action against the racist evil must be a national program. It must be based on the premise that while it is no doubt that Klansmen and other native fascists are always willing to apply the torch to the race problem, the combustible stuff for the fire is to be found in the way we treat the Negro. And the further premise that this stuff must be cleaned out.<br>The paradox of the relation of the whites to the Negro is that they deny him a chance at a job and call him shiftless; they segregate him in the worst slums under conditions that breed criminality, and then call him vicious; they deny him education and then call him ignorant.<br>I do not say that no progress has been made, nor that we treat the Negroes in a Nazi way. The Nazis glory in their racist ideas and persecution: we hang our heads in shame at ours. As a nation we have been moving slowly toward a decent treatment of Negroes. Too slowly- that is the point. I know of few Negroes who expect the overnight miracle of complete justice and equality. But I also know of very few who do not want from us a more substantial token than we have given of our intent to apply to them the principles of ethnic democracy. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 116-117 * The Negro is becoming an integral part of our economic life. That trend is here to stay. The war has speeded it up, by bringing more Negroes into the war industries. But the war did not invent the trend. Insofar as the racist riots are an unreasoning protest against the newly emerging industrial position of Negroes, they are only an incident in a long historical process. Seen thus, they become as fruitless as the attempts of the Machine Wreckers in the early nineteenths century to hold back the tide of industrialism. But while I am convinced that the process cannot be stopped, much can be done to ease the transition. The going is slow because the obstacles are many. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 117 * Pass a new Federal Civil Rights statute, as Carey McWilliams has been urging. I am convinced that the problem of drafting it is not too difficult. Recent Supreme Court decisions also point to its constitutionality. The real problems will be those of enforcement. But, however hard that may be, let us at least put it on the record that as a matter of national policy we outlaw lynching, Jim Crowism, and racial injustice in every form. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118 * Create experimental mixed units of volunteers in the Army and Navy. No one need be forced into them. But there are plenty of Americans, white and black, who would want to give democracy a chance in the armed forces. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118-119 * '''You will say, this is a long road. Injustice is longer. You will say, this is drastic. Bloodshed and hate are more drastic. You will say, it can't be done. But that is just what the enemies of American life are counting on you to say.''' ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 119 * No American has a constitutional duty to like all or any of his fellow-Americans. Although I must add as a footnote that to dislike someone before you know him seems to me stupid. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 124 * That is why we must speak out for freedom, wherever it may be threatened. Violence may be infectious, but freedom and courage are also infectious. The big test of American liberty will come in the let-down after the war. If we do not now learn the habits of speaking out for freedom and fighting for it, we will make poor defenders when we are confronted by the big battalions. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 126 * '''I will close on a personal matter. Any teacher who lets himself be commanded as to what he will or will not say becomes an intellectual eunuch. I have myself taught at colleges, on and off, for a decade. If at any time a President had told me what to teach, I should have had to resign. Otherwise I could not have looked in a mirror.''' ** "Freedom and the Teacher," first published 16 February 1944, p. 142 * We live at a time when the great enemy of the human spirit is the fascist idea. The first stronghold against that idea should be the school, our first line of defense must be the students, and their commanders should be the teachers. I can understand the danger of brash and unthinking statements on the part of a student, and the teacher has the duty of holding him to a discipline and integrity of thought. But too many teachers blanch when the word fascism is even mentioned, as if the too open discussion of it might offend vested interests in their community. It is one thing to demand integrity of the student. It is quite another to give him the feeling that he is skating on thin ice when he so much as mentions fascism, and that in the face of it he must observe the etiquette and niceties of the diplomatic corps. ** "An Episode in School," first published 18 October 1944, p. 144 * Whatever the social roots are from which the fascist poison springs, the moral roots by which it grows and spreads are the weakness and cowardice with which we stand up for the democratic idea. Weapons without ideas are blind. And only courage, whether in the classroom or the home or the church or the factory or the halls of Congress, will give passion and direction to the weapons with which we are freeing the world, and hope to rebuild it. ** "An Episode in School," first published 18 October 1944, p. 144 * No one can say that a mounting national income, a shrinking unemployment, and an expanding economy are in themselves adequate to create the good life and the good society for Americans. But it is certain that without them the good life and the good society have no chance. It is certain that a shrinking national income, a mounting unemployment and a contracting economy are the sure road to a fascist society and to man's inhumanity to man. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 406 * Education has been taken out of the area of private profit and has been recognized as a public responsibility. But the fight still goes on to limit the local school facilities to the local economic level, and to keep the people from underwriting an adequate educational program through federal funds. So far as this means that only some of those who hunger for books and ideas and the chance to work in laboratories will have their hunger sated, it goes against the American grain. For the American tradition is one of the career open to talent, wherever it may be found; and of an elite not frozen by caste or wealth but drawn from the children of the people in an ever renewing circulation of ability in a democracy. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 408 * The war has shaken up people's lives, given them new exposures, new mobility, new perspectives, access to new experience. It will be difficult to shut tight the vistas that have thus been opened up. We move toward tomorrow with the conviction that all the energy and geniality of our vast continent is best expressed in the quality of the life the ordinary American can live. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 408-409 === ''The Unfinished Country'' (1959) === *A President is best judged by the enemies he makes when he has really hit his stride. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&dq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The real sadness of fifty is not that you change so much but that you change so little. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&dq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The crime of book purging is that it involves a rejection of the word... To reject the word is to reject the human search. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/8Bei5rr3fwUC?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&dq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&printsec=frontcover The ''Unfinished Country''] ==Quotes About Max Lerner== *Nevertheless, as readers familiar with Mr. Lerner's previous works know, the range of his interests is amazing. In this book he comments on such diverse matters as [[Harry S. Truman|President Truman]]'s handling of the 1946 railroad strike..., [[Charlie Chaplin]]'s superb ability as a mime, [[H. G. Wells]]'s imaginative writing, [[Palestine]], the [[cold war]], [[Trotsky]] and [[Stalin]], the evil of the [[Ku Klux Klan]], Jim Crowism, the 1948 political conventions, and the management of the Brooklyn Dodgers. In all of these and the many other pieces which make up the book the Enemy is always [[Status Quo]]. **[https://www.unz.com/print/SaturdayRev-1949mar26-00015/ ''Actions and Passions'', By Max Lerner, Reviewed by Wellington Roe], ''The Saturday Review'', (26 March 1949) *To see ourselves as we aren't, but as he would like us to be, read ''Actions and Passions'', by Max Lerner (Simon & Schuster, $3.50). He calls these chapters "Notes on the Multiple Revolution of our Time," which of course they are, since they concern today's upside-down world. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Brilliant as he is, Lerner suffers from anguish over the capitalists. He is not pro-Communist... The exigencies of writing each day for a daily might be the cause of his continual harping on the wrongs done minorities, which makes far more noise rather than a sound appeal for their rights. Another safe target are corporations and their selfish attacks on labor unions, and even government regulations against strikes.... His dispatches on the 1948 Philadelphia conventions, both Republican and Democratic, analyze well public sentiment over the two parties and their candidates, even if Lerner guessed wrong about the outcome. His appraisals of the personalities of Wallace, Truman, and others sound solid and reasonable, and much of his thinking on domestic political questions is keen and supportable. All in all, one can disagree with what Lerner writes but still admit that the way he writes is stimulating, pro and con. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Max Lerner, an educator, journalist and student of American civilization who was for many years a syndicated columnist for ''The New York Post'', died yesterday... He was 89 ... Mr. Lerner was one of the more conspicuous of the post-World War II nonfiction writers, a humanist whose unabashed liberal conscience led him to the political barricades for more than three decades. Many of his concerns now seem prescient. In 1959, for example, in a speech at Douglass College in New Brunswick, N.J., Mr. Lerner called for the formation of an antiwar elite, making it clear that he was worried about what he saw as growing mediocrity among American students. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *With all the turmoil of the mid- and late 20th century, Mr. Lerner insisted that he preferred the present "awful but magnificent" era to any other in history. But in a book he wrote in 1957, ''America as a Civilization: Life and Thought in the United States Today,'' he talked of his age as a time in which there was a "fear of ideas and the tenacious cult of property." His espousal of ideas regarded as liberal in the 1950's did not sit well with everyone... Between 1932 and 1935, Mr. Lerner served on the faculty of both Sarah Lawrence College and the Wellesley Summer Institute. After a brief stint teaching at Harvard, he edited ''The Nation'' magazine for a time and then taught political science at Williams College from 1938 to 1943. Before joining The Post in 1949, he also wrote columns for ''The New York Star.''.. He continued writing for The Post until two weeks ago. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lerner, Maxwell Alan}} [[Category:1902 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:People from Minsk]] [[Category:Williams College faculty]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:Wellesley College faculty]] pxtmhzds6nn0o7uxn1s84ffs7dmwmdo 3944267 3944266 2026-05-22T19:41:49Z AC9016 2870313 /* Public Journal (1945) */ 3944267 wikitext text/x-wiki [[w:Max Lerner|'''Maxwell "Max" Alan Lerner''']] (December 20, 1902 – June 5, 1992) was an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:Journalist|journalist]] and educator known for his controversial syndicated [[w:column (periodical)|column]]. [[File:Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940.jpg|thumb|Civil Liberties in War Times by Max Lerner 1940]] ==Quotes== * The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=szVGoBq-dkEC&q=%22actually+The+so-called+lessons+of+history+are+for+the+most+part+the+rationalizations+of+the+victors+history+is+written+by+the+survivors%22&pg=PA255#v=onepage ''It Is Later Than You Think: The Need for a Militant Democracy''] (1939) *Years from now, when historians can look back and put our time into perspective, they will say that of its towering figures—more truly great than generals and diplomats, business grants and labor grants, bigger than most of our presidents—was a man called [[Louis Brandeis|Brandeis]]. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Letters_of_Louis_D_Brandeis_Volume_III_1/aiDvBgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Years+from+now,+when+historians+can+look+%22&pg=PP4&printsec=frontcover ''Letters of Louis D. Brandeis''] *Life is a protracted struggle against the Adversary, who is man himself. **Quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Essential_Quotes_for_Scientists_and_Engi/PIogEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22Life+is+a+protracted+struggle+against+the%22&pg=PA200&printsec=frontcover ''Essential Quotes for Scientists and Engineers''] *[[Marilyn Ferguson]] is the best reporter today on the farther reaches of investigation into the life and human sciences. She represents a new kind of investigative journalist—not a sleuth after the corruptions of a politician but one tracking the spoor of a new research idea in all its windings; following it to its sources and its affinities in allied fields, its conclusions, its implications for the whole spectrum of human thought and consciousness... Nietzsche talked of philosophy as the gay science, the joyful science, and to Marilyn Ferguson the area of knowledge she has staked out for her reporting and synthesizing is a joyful science. **Forward to [[Marilyn_Ferguson#The_Aquarian_Conspiracy_(1980)|''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson]] (1980) *I have for some time been impatient with the prevailing sense of pessimism and despair, especially among the intellectual and professional groups of the "New Class." I am not blind to the tragic and absurd, which seem to have been built into our time and perhaps into the human constitution. But I also feel that the sense of hope and possibility is also built in over the millennia of human coping. It is no small part of the new transformative insights that they have released this sense of hope and possibility. **Forward to ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'' by Marilyn Ferguson (1980) *I have believed in love and work, and their linkage. I have believed that we are neither angels nor devils, but humans, with clusters of potentials in both directions. I am neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a possibilist. **Lerner's summary of his life for "Who's Who in America," quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *We should be less concerned about the missile gap than the intelligence gap... less worried about the missile race than the intelligence race. **Quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) === ''Public Journal'' (1945) === :<small>Note: This book is an assembled reprint of newspaper articles written by Lerner between 5 March 1943 and 1 August 1944. ''Public Journal: Marginal Notes on Wartime America''. New York: Viking Press. All quotes are from the April 1945 hardcover publication, 2nd edition printed in October 1945.</small> * One final word. I will not say that to pin your soul on your sleeve for brickbats to be hurled at, four times a week, is always a pleasant mode of life. But it is the price you pay for the luxury of roaming over the whole area of human affairs, with the freedom to choose anything- relevant or irrelevant to the great news of the day- as the subject of your discourse. To combine the journal-keeping instinct with the pleasures of the backseat driver- that is the felicity of writing a public journal. ** "Foreword," p. viii * The teen-age years have been at once the despair and fascination of novelists and playwrights. They are the gawkiest years of life, and the most precarious, with stirrings of beauty and desire and adventure, all of them this side of the articulate. ** "Seventeen," first published 9 April 1943, p. 17 * I have little patience, on this two hundredth anniversary of Thomas Jefferson's birth, with the mealy mouthings about Jefferson's ideals. The focus of attention should not be on Jefferson but on us, his children. For the first thing that to remember about Jefferson is that he never looked backward, did not want the dead to govern the living from their graves. And the second is that he was a revolutionary, who fought with the weapons of ideas for the high stakes of freedom.<br>The recent trend in the Jefferson studies has been to show him as a human being, and it is a good trend. '''Jefferson was no steel engraving but a flesh-and-blood man, full of contradictions- at once aristocrat and democrat, a gracious plantation owner and a leader of the agrarian masses, an internationalist and an isolationist, a man who loved music and the theater and architecture and books but spent all his life in politics, a thinker who found no idea too vast for him and a practical man who found no ideal too minute.''' ** "Jefferson's Children," first published 13 April 1943, p. 110 * '''To humanize or glorify a man is one thing; to grasp his place in the history of the human spirit is quite another.''' Jefferson was part of a bursting world of new ideas. Yet he was dedicated to the commonwealth, with a sense of dedication whcih came partly from the classical authors he read so eagerly and partly from the American soil and the American climate. The ruling group to which he belonged identified itself with the lower classes in a common revolutionary impulse against British tyranny. But Americans were fighting for more than their freedom. They were fighting for a vision of a new world- one in which men, however imperfectly, could shape their own destinies.<br>It is that vision that must be our heritage of him. Jefferson's politics and his program have been outdated by the march of the machine and the flight of the plane. But his openness of mind, his revolutionary spirit, his belief in men's potentialities will never be outdated. ** p. 110-111 * The tragic thing is that those qualities no longer describe his children. Our ruling economic group no longer lives gracefully nor thinks spaciously. Without having lost its tenacious will to rule, it has lost its sense of moral dedication. We as a people lost our openness to new ideas, our sense of being a new world. We might ask ourselves, as we commemorate Jefferson, what he would think if he knew that his descendants were preparing to be the last bastion of a reactionary European ruling group against the new forces and ideas of European democrats. And what he would think if he knew that out of fear of the Russian revolutionary ideas, we were pushing around the Fighting French, the Free Italians, the Spanish Loyalists, and the others who have fought and died for freedom, and who are the true inheritors of the European Enlightenment of Jefferson's day. ** p. 111 * If we care about Jefferson, we would do well to cease our efforts to stifle his spirit as it exists in the world today. Somewhere in the world there is perhaps another Jefferson who is trying to do for our era what Jefferson did for his. It is someone with deep culture, and a belief in reason, a revolutionary spirit, and a passion for freedom. For a moment as I write this it occurs to me that perhaps it is Jawaharlal Nehru. But of course it couldn't be: else he would not have been put in prison by those who are fighting a war of liberation. Perhaps Jefferson is somewhere in Europe, in one of the underground movements, organizing sabotage against the Nazis and preparing a new Declaration of Independence. If he is there, will our soldiers be fighting on his side when they invade Europe, or will the needs of appeasement put him in a concentration camp? ** p. 111 * I have been looking through the pictures of the battle of Detroit. They are not pretty, and they are nothing for Americans to be proud of. I don't mean just the blood and the pain that you see on the faces of the men. Nor do I mean just the more than a score dead and the hundreds of wounded in the hospitals. Pain and suffering and the fact of death itself are less important than the cause for which they are endured. But this cause is so meaningless, so deformed. The key to the tragedy of Detroit is the fear and hatred that you can read on the faces of the men and women in the pictures. It is the mask of Caliban enveloping a mob that is wreaking its cruelty on the helpless and the innocent. This hatred- not of the common enemy but of our own American brothers- is a twisted emotion that shows up all the ugliness of the American soul. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 114-115 * What dolts we are, to dehumanize ourselves. And in what cause? In Hitler's, as far as immediate consequences go. The men who set these riots off, whether they be Bundists or Ku Klux Klanners, followers of Paul Joseph Goebbels or Gerald L. K. Smith, are doing Hitler's work here. That much is simple. Hitler would be foolish if he did not use this weapon, especially at a time when he is desperate. It is as if he were to send saboteurs among us- only instead of destroying bridges they destroy our sense of decency and instead of disrupting communications they disrupt our living and working together. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * It is too easy to find alibis that wash the guilt away from those who took part in the riots, and from the whole American nation. We cry: "Nazi instigators." We cry: "Kluxers." We create something fancy and objective, like "race tensions" and "race prejudice" that we discuss in a detached way. The Kluxers and the Bundists undoubtedly lit the match in every instance. But in every instance our America furnished the flammable material.<br>What have we done to ease the daily crucifixion of the Negro in our midst, which leaves in him a smoldering bitterness? What have we done to give him fair employment in our war industries and elsewhere? What have we done to break down Jim Crowism in the armed forces? What have we done, by word and deed, to make him see that he has a share in this war and in the world?<br>What have we done, in turn, to cleanse the hatred and ignorance from the whites among us? What have we done to make them see that we are in a war against fascism, and that the essence of Fascism is to treat some men as sub-men because of color and creed? What have we done to teach an understanding of the creative contribution of our minority groups toward the total American culture? What have the Government and business and trade unions done to develop going experiments in which white and black can work and live side by side? ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 115 * Our spokesmen talk of re-educating Nazi Germany, of liberating Europe. We have some re-educating to do at home. The liberator must liberate himself.<br>Look in yoru own hearts, Americans. These men in the Detroit streets- these men splattered with blood, cowering in fear, their faces bashed in, their homes looted and burned, their spirits broken- these men, whatever their color may be, are bone of your bone. These other men and women who have done the destruction, their faces bestial and fury-driven- these are also of your own America.<br>American men and women: this is your task. The suffering is yours, and the guilt is yours. You must learn what the facts are, but the facts will not themselves set you free. You must set yourselves free of hate and discrimination, of blindness and inaction. No one can do that for you- not even the federal government. It can help, but you must not lean entirely on that help. The papers say that the Detroit riots have cut down war production. True. But what a curious way of putting it. Negroes are not just machines for turning out planes and ships. Negroes are human beings and Americans. What the riots have cut down is the stature of America. ** "The Battle of Detroit," first published 23 June 1943, p. 116 * The root of the racist evil must be found in the soil of American life as a whole. A program of action against the racist evil must be a national program. It must be based on the premise that while it is no doubt that Klansmen and other native fascists are always willing to apply the torch to the race problem, the combustible stuff for the fire is to be found in the way we treat the Negro. And the further premise that this stuff must be cleaned out.<br>The paradox of the relation of the whites to the Negro is that they deny him a chance at a job and call him shiftless; they segregate him in the worst slums under conditions that breed criminality, and then call him vicious; they deny him education and then call him ignorant.<br>I do not say that no progress has been made, nor that we treat the Negroes in a Nazi way. The Nazis glory in their racist ideas and persecution: we hang our heads in shame at ours. As a nation we have been moving slowly toward a decent treatment of Negroes. Too slowly- that is the point. I know of few Negroes who expect the overnight miracle of complete justice and equality. But I also know of very few who do not want from us a more substantial token than we have given of our intent to apply to them the principles of ethnic democracy. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 116-117 * The Negro is becoming an integral part of our economic life. That trend is here to stay. The war has speeded it up, by bringing more Negroes into the war industries. But the war did not invent the trend. Insofar as the racist riots are an unreasoning protest against the newly emerging industrial position of Negroes, they are only an incident in a long historical process. Seen thus, they become as fruitless as the attempts of the Machine Wreckers in the early nineteenths century to hold back the tide of industrialism. But while I am convinced that the process cannot be stopped, much can be done to ease the transition. The going is slow because the obstacles are many. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 117 * Pass a new Federal Civil Rights statute, as Carey McWilliams has been urging. I am convinced that the problem of drafting it is not too difficult. Recent Supreme Court decisions also point to its constitutionality. The real problems will be those of enforcement. But, however hard that may be, let us at least put it on the record that as a matter of national policy we outlaw lynching, Jim Crowism, and racial injustice in every form. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118 * Create experimental mixed units of volunteers in the Army and Navy. No one need be forced into them. But there are plenty of Americans, white and black, who would want to give democracy a chance in the armed forces. ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 118-119 * '''You will say, this is a long road. Injustice is longer. You will say, this is drastic. Bloodshed and hate are more drastic. You will say, it can't be done. But that is just what the enemies of American life are counting on you to say.''' ** "The Long Road to Racial Justice," first published 25 June 1943, p. 119 * No American has a constitutional duty to like all or any of his fellow-Americans. Although I must add as a footnote that to dislike someone before you know him seems to me stupid. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 124 * That is why we must speak out for freedom, wherever it may be threatened. Violence may be infectious, but freedom and courage are also infectious. The big test of American liberty will come in the let-down after the war. If we do not now learn the habits of speaking out for freedom and fighting for it, we will make poor defenders when we are confronted by the big battalions. ** "Speak Out For Freedom," first published 21 October 1943, p. 126 * '''I will close on a personal matter. Any teacher who lets himself be commanded as to what he will or will not say becomes an intellectual eunuch. I have myself taught at colleges, on and off, for a decade. If at any time a President had told me what to teach, I should have had to resign. Otherwise I could not have looked in a mirror.''' ** "Freedom and the Teacher," first published 16 February 1944, p. 142 * We live at a time when the great enemy of the human spirit is the fascist idea. The first stronghold against that idea should be the school, our first line of defense must be the students, and their commanders should be the teachers. I can understand the danger of brash and unthinking statements on the part of a student, and the teacher has the duty of holding him to a discipline and integrity of thought. But too many teachers blanch when the word fascism is even mentioned, as if the too open discussion of it might offend vested interests in their community. It is one thing to demand integrity of the student. It is quite another to give him the feeling that he is skating on thin ice when he so much as mentions fascism, and that in the face of it he must observe the etiquette and niceties of the diplomatic corps. ** "An Episode in School," first published 18 October 1944, p. 144 * Whatever the social roots are from which the fascist poison springs, the moral roots by which it grows and spreads are the weakness and cowardice with which we stand up for the democratic idea. Weapons without ideas are blind. And only courage, whether in the classroom or the home or the church or the factory or the halls of Congress, will give passion and direction to the weapons with which we are freeing the world, and hope to rebuild it. ** "An Episode in School," first published 18 October 1944, p. 144 * No one can say that a mounting national income, a shrinking unemployment, and an expanding economy are in themselves adequate to create the good life and the good society for Americans. But it is certain that without them the good life and the good society have no chance. It is certain that a shrinking national income, a mounting unemployment and a contracting economy are the sure road to a fascist society and to man's inhumanity to man. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 406 * Education has been taken out of the area of private profit and has been recognized as a public responsibility. But the fight still goes on to limit the local school facilities to the local economic level, and to keep the people from underwriting an adequate educational program through federal funds. So far as this means that only some of those who hunger for books and ideas and the chance to work in laboratories will have their hunger sated, it goes against the American grain. For the American tradition is one of the career open to talent, wherever it may be found; and of an elite not frozen by caste or wealth but drawn from the children of the people in an ever renewing circulation of ability in a democracy. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 408 * The war has shaken up people's lives, given them new exposures, new mobility, new perspectives, access to new experience. It will be difficult to shut tight the vistas that have thus been opened up. We move toward tomorrow with the conviction that all the energy and geniality of our vast continent is best expressed in the quality of the life the ordinary American can live. ** "Epilogue: We Move Toward Tomorrow," p. 408-409 === ''The Unfinished Country'' (1959) === *A President is best judged by the enemies he makes when he has really hit his stride. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&dq=%22A+President+is+best+judged+by+the+enemies%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The real sadness of fifty is not that you change so much but that you change so little. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/ogMcAAAAMAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&dq=%22The+real+sadness+of+fifty+is+not+that+you%22&printsec=frontcover ''The Unfinished Country''] *The crime of book purging is that it involves a rejection of the word... To reject the word is to reject the human search. **In [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Unfinished_Country/8Bei5rr3fwUC?hl=en&gbpv=1&bsq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&dq=%22The+crime+of+book+purging+is+that+it%22&printsec=frontcover The ''Unfinished Country''] ==Quotes About Max Lerner== *Nevertheless, as readers familiar with Mr. Lerner's previous works know, the range of his interests is amazing. In this book he comments on such diverse matters as [[Harry S. Truman|President Truman]]'s handling of the 1946 railroad strike..., [[Charlie Chaplin]]'s superb ability as a mime, [[H. G. Wells]]'s imaginative writing, [[Palestine]], the [[cold war]], [[Trotsky]] and [[Stalin]], the evil of the [[Ku Klux Klan]], Jim Crowism, the 1948 political conventions, and the management of the Brooklyn Dodgers. In all of these and the many other pieces which make up the book the Enemy is always [[Status Quo]]. **[https://www.unz.com/print/SaturdayRev-1949mar26-00015/ ''Actions and Passions'', By Max Lerner, Reviewed by Wellington Roe], ''The Saturday Review'', (26 March 1949) *To see ourselves as we aren't, but as he would like us to be, read ''Actions and Passions'', by Max Lerner (Simon & Schuster, $3.50). He calls these chapters "Notes on the Multiple Revolution of our Time," which of course they are, since they concern today's upside-down world. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Brilliant as he is, Lerner suffers from anguish over the capitalists. He is not pro-Communist... The exigencies of writing each day for a daily might be the cause of his continual harping on the wrongs done minorities, which makes far more noise rather than a sound appeal for their rights. Another safe target are corporations and their selfish attacks on labor unions, and even government regulations against strikes.... His dispatches on the 1948 Philadelphia conventions, both Republican and Democratic, analyze well public sentiment over the two parties and their candidates, even if Lerner guessed wrong about the outcome. His appraisals of the personalities of Wallace, Truman, and others sound solid and reasonable, and much of his thinking on domestic political questions is keen and supportable. All in all, one can disagree with what Lerner writes but still admit that the way he writes is stimulating, pro and con. **[https://www.unz.com/print/Forum-1949apr-00214/Commentary/ Books in Brief, Jasper R. Lewis ''The Forum'',] April 1949, p. 214 *Max Lerner, an educator, journalist and student of American civilization who was for many years a syndicated columnist for ''The New York Post'', died yesterday... He was 89 ... Mr. Lerner was one of the more conspicuous of the post-World War II nonfiction writers, a humanist whose unabashed liberal conscience led him to the political barricades for more than three decades. Many of his concerns now seem prescient. In 1959, for example, in a speech at Douglass College in New Brunswick, N.J., Mr. Lerner called for the formation of an antiwar elite, making it clear that he was worried about what he saw as growing mediocrity among American students. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) *With all the turmoil of the mid- and late 20th century, Mr. Lerner insisted that he preferred the present "awful but magnificent" era to any other in history. But in a book he wrote in 1957, ''America as a Civilization: Life and Thought in the United States Today,'' he talked of his age as a time in which there was a "fear of ideas and the tenacious cult of property." His espousal of ideas regarded as liberal in the 1950's did not sit well with everyone... Between 1932 and 1935, Mr. Lerner served on the faculty of both Sarah Lawrence College and the Wellesley Summer Institute. After a brief stint teaching at Harvard, he edited ''The Nation'' magazine for a time and then taught political science at Williams College from 1938 to 1943. Before joining The Post in 1949, he also wrote columns for ''The New York Star.''.. He continued writing for The Post until two weeks ago. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1992/06/06/arts/max-lerner-writer-89-is-dead-humanist-on-political-barricades.html Max Lerner, Writer, 89, Is Dead; Humanist on Political Barricades By Richard Severo, ''The New York Times'',] (6 June 1992) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lerner, Maxwell Alan}} [[Category:1902 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:People from Minsk]] [[Category:Williams College faculty]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:Wellesley College faculty]] 8jvn6uply5hhs5lge56orfvi982nr7c 0 156981 3944335 3912068 2026-05-23T01:36:00Z DanielTom 608538 fmt 3944335 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dinesh D'Souza.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].]] '''[[w:Dinesh D'Souza|Dinesh Joseph D'Souza]]''' (born [[April 25]], [[1961]]) is an [[India]]n-born [[United States|American]] political commentator, filmmaker, and author. : See also: ::'''''[[2016: Obama's America]]''''' (2012) ::'''''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]''''' (2014) == Quotes == [[File:Statue_of_Liberty_7.jpg|thumb|In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life.]] [[File:Above_Gotham.jpg|thumb|Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it.]] [[File:LuMaxArt Golden Family With World Religions.jpg|thumb|The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge.]] [[File:Choeungek2.JPG|thumb|[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.]] ===1996=== * Consistent with [[Martin Luther King]]'s vision, the government should stop color-coding its citizens. ** {{citation |date=1996-12-02 |title=As I See It |periodical=Forbes |volume=158 |number=13 |page=48 |issn=0015-6914 }} ===2002=== * Colonial possessions added to the prestige, and to a much lesser degree to the wealth, of Europe. But the primary cause of Western affluence and power is internal—the institutions of [[science]], [[democracy]], and [[capitalism]] acting in concert. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-07 |title=Two cheers for colonialism |periodical=SFGate |url=http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Two-cheers-for-colonialism-2799327.php }} * America is the most magnanimous of all imperial powers that have ever existed. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-30 |title=What's So Great about America |periodical=Hoover Digest |url=http://www.hoover.org/research/whats-so-great-about-america }} * One way to be effective as a conservative is to figure out what annoys and disturbs liberals the most, and then keep doing it. ** {{citation |date=2002-10-01 |chapter=How to Harpoon a Liberal |title=Letters to a Young Conservative |publisher=Basic Books |page=135 |isbn=0465017339 |lccn=202008679 |ol=7593294M}} ===2003=== * '''[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].''' ** ''The Washington Post'', {{#formatdate:2003-07-04}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2003-07-08 |author=Cal Thomas |title=Theological dictators |periodical=Townhall.com |accessdate=2019-09-06 |url=https://townhall.com/columnists/calthomas/2003/07/08/theological-dictators-n752580 }} ===2006=== * '''[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.''' ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} * The crimes of atheism have generally been perpetrated through a hubristic [[ideology]] that sees man, not God, as the creator of values. Using the latest techniques of [[science]] and [[technology]], man seeks to displace God and create a secular [[utopia]] here on earth. ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} ===2007=== * I've been studying radical Islamic thought—specifically, the thinkers who have influenced contemporary radical Muslims. When you read their work, you find that there are no denunciations of modernity, no condemnations of science, no condemnations of freedom. In fact, their whole argument seems to be that the United States—through our support of secular dictators in the region—is denying Muslims freedom and control over their own destiny. ** {{citation |date=2007-01-31 |author=Brian Saint-Paul |title=Knowing the Enemy - Dinesh D'Souza on Islam and the West |periodical=CatholiCity |url=https://www.catholicity.com/commentary/saint-paul/00041.html }} * If the televangelists are guilty of producing some simple-minded, self-righteous Christians, then the atheist authors are guilty of producing self-congratulatory buffoons like [[Pat Condell|Condell]]. ** {{citation |date=2007-09-26 |title=Why Is This Atheist So Smug? |periodical=AOL News |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20081013050223/http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2007/09/26/why-is-this-atheist-so-smug/62 |archivedate=2008-10-13 }} ===2008=== * The ideas that define Western civilization, [[Nietzsche]] said, are based on Christianity. Because some of these ideas seem to have taken on a life of their own, we might have the illusion that we can abandon Christianity while retaining them. This illusion, Nietzsche warns us, is just that. Remove Christianity and the ideas fall too. ** Speech [http://theroadtoemmaus.org/RdLb/21PbAr/Hst/XtyShapesWest-DSouza.html "Created Equal: How Christianity Shaped The West"] (16 September 2008). ===2010=== * Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his [[Barack Obama|son]]. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost. ** {{citation |date=2010-09-09 |title=How Obama Thinks |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2010/0927/politics-socialism-capitalism-private-enterprises-obama-business-problem.html }} ===2014=== * The American Indians sold Manhattan to the Dutch for $700 in today's money. My point is, that's what Manhattan was worth then. It was useless, it was just a piece of land, like any other piece of land which you can buy today for $700 in many places in the world. Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it. ** {{citation |date=2014-06-18 |author=Jamie Weinstein |title=Dinesh D'Souza Takes On The Case For Reparations: 'The Innovation Of America Is The Result Of Capitalism' |periodical=The Daily Caller |url=http://dailycaller.com/2014/06/18/dinesh-dsouza-takes-on-the-case-for-reparations-the-innovation-of-america-is-the-result-of-capitalism/ }} * The American idea of wealth creation is being embraced in India, in China, all over the world. It's lifting hundreds of millions of people out of poverty. So ironically this American formula that we are moving away from at home under Obama is being enthusiastically embraced all around the world. ** Debate with {{w|Bill Ayers}} on {{citation |date=2014-07-02 |title=The Kelly File |publisher=Fox News |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfVUktKzPSA }} * Scaring the children: for Halloween last night, I dressed as a Democrat and when kids came to my door, I took half of their candy! ** [https://www.facebook.com/DSouzaDinesh/photos/a.279556495404346.96395.216709768355686/985875871439068/ ''Facebook'' post], {{#formatdate:2014-11-01}} ===2017=== * [[George Soros|georgesoros]], now a principle financial backer of violent #Antifa thugs, admits his collaboration with Hitler and says he has no regrets: ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20181031151948/https:/twitter.com/DineshDSouza/status/903777010115198977 ''Twitter''], {{#formatdate:2017-09-27}}, archived {{#formatdate:2018-10-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-02-04 |title=Was George Soros an SS Officer or Nazi Collaborator During World War II? |author=David Emery |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/george-soros-ss-nazi-germany/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}} ===2022=== *If you follow Jan. 6 at the granular level with the facts that are coming out slowly, they are coming out because the government has been very reluctant to release footage, particularly footage of what happened in the tunnel on Jan. 6, where you now begin to see these cops using massive amounts of force against unarmed Trump supporters, including women.<br>The death of [[Rosanne Boyland]] is now being called into question.<br>Was she the second Trump supporter that was killed by the authorities? **4 January 2022 interview with [[Laura Ingraham]] reported in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/jan/10/dinesh-dsouza/dsouza-falsely-claims-jan-6-video-shows-police-usi/ 10 January 2022 article by Politifact] ===Articles=== ====''10 Things to Celebrate: Why I'm an Anti-Anti-American'' (June 2003)==== :<small>Full text of [https://web.archive.org/web/20120903233650/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php?#photo-2709803 "10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American"] (29 June 2003) at ''SFGate''.</small> * Anti-Americanism from abroad would not be such a problem if Americans were united in standing up for their own country. But in this country itself, there are those who blame America for most of the evils in the world. On the political left, many fault the United States for a history of slavery, and for continuing inequality and racism. Even on the right, traditionally the home of patriotism, we hear influential figures say that America has become so decadent... If these critics are right, then America should be destroyed. And who can dispute some of their particulars? This country did have a history of slavery and racism continues to exist. There is much in our culture that is vulgar and decadent. But the critics are wrong about America, because they are missing the big picture. In their indignation over the sins of America, they ignore what is unique and good about American civilization. *In the American view, there is nothing vile or degraded about serving your customers either as a CEO or as a waiter. The ordinary life of production and supporting a family is more highly valued in the United States than in any other country. America is the only country in the world where we call the waiter 'sir', as if he were a knight. America has achieved greater social equality than any other society. True, there are large inequalities of income and wealth in America. In purely economic terms, Europe is more egalitarian. But Americans are socially more equal than any other people, and this is unaffected by economic disparities. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this egalitarianism a century and a half ago and it is, if anything, more prevalent today. For all his riches, Bill Gates could not approach the typical American and say, 'Here's a $100 bill. I'll give it to you if you kiss my feet'. Most likely, the person would tell Gates to go to hell! The American view is that the rich guy may have more money, but he isn't in any fundamental sense better than anyone else. * Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which Serbs and Croatians, Sikhs and Hindus, Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world? *America, the freest nation on Earth, is also the most virtuous nation on Earth. This point seems counter-intuitive, given the amount of conspicuous vulgarity, vice and immorality in America. Some Islamic fundamentalists argue that their regimes are morally superior to the United States because they seek to foster virtue among the citizens. Virtue, these fundamentalists argue, is a higher principle than liberty. Indeed it is. And let us admit that in a free society, freedom will frequently be used badly. Freedom, by definition, includes the freedom to do good or evil, to act nobly or basely. But if freedom brings out the worst in people, it also brings out the best. The millions of Americans who live decent, praiseworthy lives deserve our highest admiration because they have opted for the good when the good is not the only available option. Even amid the temptations of a rich and free society, they have remained on the straight path. Their virtue has special luster because it is freely chosen. By contrast, the societies that many Islamic fundamentalists seek would eliminate the possibility of virtue. If the supply of virtue is insufficient in a free society like America, it is almost nonexistent in an unfree society like Iran's. The reason is that coerced virtues are not virtues at all. Consider the woman who is required to wear a veil. There is no modesty in this, because she is being compelled. Compulsion cannot produce virtue, it can only produce the outward semblance of virtue. Thus a free society like America's is not merely more prosperous, more varied, more peaceful, and more tolerant; it is also morally superior to the theocratic and authoritarian regimes that America's enemies advocate. *We should love our country not just because it is ours, but also because it is good. America is far from perfect, and there is lots of room for improvement. In spite of its flaws, however, American life as it is lived today is the best life that our world has to offer. Ultimately America is worthy of our love and sacrifice because, more than any other society, it makes possible the good life, and the life that is good. *If I had remained in India, I would probably have lived my whole life within a five-mile radius of where I was born. I would undoubtedly have married a woman of my identical religious and socioeconomic background. I would almost certainly have become a medical doctor, or an engineer, or a computer programmer. I would have socialized entirely within my ethnic community. I would have a whole set of opinions that could be predicted in advance; indeed, they would not be very different from what my father believed, or his father before him. In sum, my destiny would to a large degree have been given to me... The typical American could come to India, live for 40 years, and take Indian citizenship. But he could not 'become Indian'. He wouldn't see himself that way, nor would most Indians see him that way. In America, by contrast, hundreds of millions have come from far-flung shores and over time they, or at least their children, have in a profound and full sense 'become American'. === Books === ==== ''The End of Racism'' (1995) ==== * ''If racism is not the main problem for blacks, what is?'' Liberal antiracism. ** Ch. 1<!--: The White Man's Burden--> * Racism originated not in ignorance and fear but as part of an enlightened enterprise of intellectual discovery. ** Ch. 1 * The main contemporary obstacle facing African Americans is neither white racism, as many liberals claim, nor black genetic deficiency, as [[Charles Murray]] and others imply. Rather it involves destructive and pathological cultural patterns of behavior: excessive reliance on government, conspiratorial paranoia about racism, a resistance to academic achievement as "acting white," a celebration of the criminal and outlaw as authentically black, and the normalization of illegitimacy and dependency. ** Ch. 1 * The American slave was treated like property, which is to say, pretty well. ** Ch. 3<!--: An American Dilemma * The worst decay in the two-parent black family unit seems to have occurred not during slavery or as a result of slavery, but much later and for different reasons. Nor is there any evidence that as a consequence of slavery, blacks condoned illegitimacy as acceptable within the community. For the decline and fragility of the contemporary black family, the institution of slavery bears only a minor responsibility. ** Ch. 3: An American Dilemma --> * Strictly speaking, relativism does not permit social progress, because the new culture is by definition no better than the one it replaced. ** Ch. 6<!--:The Race Merchants--> * It is understandable but implausible...to insist upon prominent media accounts about law-abiding citizens and quotidian virtue; this is a bit like the airline industry complaining that the press does not write stories about airplanes that land safely. ** Ch. 7<!--: Is America a Racist Society?--> * Black rage is largely a response not to white racism but to black failure. ** Ch. 8<!--: Institutional Racism and Double Standards--> * If biological differences do exist, they cannot be wished away. However unpopular the investigation, we have to take the possibility of natural differences seriously. What is at stake is nothing less than the foundation of contemporary liberalism. ** Ch. 11<!--: The Content of Our Chromosomes--> ==== ''What's So Great About America'' (2003) ==== [[File:Motherhood and apple pie.jpg|thumb|I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat."]] * Americans are the friendliest people you will encounter, but they have few friends. ** Ch. 1: Why They Hate Us * What the immigrant cannot help noticing is that America is a country where the poor live comparatively well. This fact was dramatized in the 1980s, when CBS television broadcast an anti-Reagan documentary, "People Like Us", which was intended to show the miseries of the poor during an American recession. The Soviet Union also broadcast the documentary, with a view to embarrassing the Reagan administration. But by the testimony of former Soviet leaders, it had the opposite effect. Ordinary people across the Soviet Union saw that the poorest Americans have television sets and microwave ovens and cars. They arrived at the same perception of America that I witnessed in a friend of mine from Bombay who has been unsuccessfully trying to move to the United States for nearly a decade. Finally I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat." ** Ch. 3: Becoming American * In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life. Your life is like a blank sheet of paper, and you are the artist. * As an immigrant, I am constantly surprised by how much I hear racism talked about and how little I actually see it. (Even fewer are the incidents in which I have experienced it directly.) ** Ch. 4: The Reparations Fallacy * America is a new kind of society that produces a new kind of human being. That human being—confident, self-reliant, tolerant, generous, future oriented—is a vast improvement over the wretched, servile, fatalistic, and intolerant human being that traditional societies have always produced, and that Islamic societies produce now. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful * America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful ==== ''The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left And its Responsibility for 9 / 11'' (2007) ==== * The cultural left, and its allies in Congress, the media, Hollywood, the nonprofit sector, and the universities are the primary cause of the volcano of anger toward America that is erupting from the Islamic world. ** Introduction, pp. 1–2 * The [George W.] Bush administration and the conservatives must stop promoting American popular culture because it is producing a blowback of Muslim rage. With a few exceptions, the right should not bother to defend American movies, music, and television. From the point of view of traditional values, they are indefensible. Moreover, why should the right stand up for the left's debased values? Why should our people defend their America? Rather, American conservatives should join the Muslims and others in condemning the global moral degeneracy that is produced by liberal values. ** Introduction, p. 26 ==== ''What's So Great about Christianity'' (2007) ==== * They [atheists] want to control school curricula so they can promote a secular ideology and undermine Christianity. ** Preface * Today courts wrongly interpret separation of church and state to mean that religion has no place in the public arena, or that morality derived from religion should not be permitted to shape our laws. Somehow freedom for religious expression has become freedom from religious expression. Secularists want to empty the public square of religion and religious-based morality so they can monopolize the shared space of society with their own views. ** Ch. 3 * My conclusion is that contrary to popular belief, [[atheism]] is not primarily an intellectual revolt, it is a moral revolt. Atheists don't find God invisible so much as objectionable. They aren't adjusting their desires to the truth, but rather the truth to fit their desires. [...] This is the perennial appeal of atheism: it gets rid of the stern fellow with the long beard and liberates us for the pleasures of sin and depravity. The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge. ** Ch. 23 * Do you believe in the existence of [[Socrates]]? [[Alexander the Great]]? [[Julius Caesar]]? If historicity is established by written records in multiple copies that date originally from near contemporaneous sources, there is far more proof for [[Jesus|Christ]]'s existence than for any of theirs. ** Ch. 26 ==== ''The Roots of Obama's Rage'' (2010) ==== <!-- * It is the anti-colonial ideology of his [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|African father]] that [[Barack Obama]] took to heart. ** Ch. 2: The Black Man's Burden --> * We are today living out the script for America and the world that was dreamt up not by [[Barack Obama|Obama]] but by [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Obama's father]]. How do I know this? Because Obama says so himself. Reflect for a moment on the title of his book: it's not ''Dreams of My Father'' but rather ''Dreams from My Father''. In other words, Obama is not writing a book about his father's dreams; he is writing a book about the dreams that he got from his father.{{pbr}}Think about what this means. The most powerful country in the world is being governed according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s—a polygamist who abandoned his wives, drank himself into stupors, and bounced around on two iron legs (after his real legs had to be amputated because of a car crash caused by his drunk driving). This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anti-colonial ambitions, is now setting the nation’s agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son is the one who is making it happen, but the son is, as he candidly admits, only living out his father’s dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is being governed by a ghost. ** Ch. 10: The Last Anti-Colonial ==== ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014) ==== [[File:Portrait of a Man, Said to be Christopher Columbus 2.jpg|thumb|Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America.]] * How, for example, did Obama get elected as a complete unknown? ... There is a one word answer: slavery. America's national guilt over slavery continues to benefit Obama, who ironically is not himself descended from slaves. ** Ch. 1<!--: Suicide of a Nation--> * Did America owe something to the slaves whose labor had been stolen? ... That debt...is best discharged through memory, because the slaves are dead and their descendants...are better off as a consequence of their ancestors being hauled from Africa to America. ** Ch. 8<!--: Their Fourth of July--> * Better off? The point is illustrated by the great African American boxer [[Muhammad Ali]]. In the early 1970s Muhammad Ali fought for the heavyweight title against George Foreman. The fight was held in the African nation of Zaire; it was insensitively called the "rumble in the jungle." Ali won the fight, and upon returning to the United States, he was asked by a reporter, "Champ, what did you think of Africa?" Ali replied, "Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat!" There is a characteristic mischievous pungency to Ali's remark, yet it also expresses a widely held sentiment. Ali recognizes that for all the horror of slavery, it was the transmission belt that brought Africans into the orbit of Western freedom. The slaves were not better off—the boat Ali refers to brought the slaves through a horrific Middle Passage to a life of painful servitude—yet their descendants today, even if they won't admit it, are better off. Ali was honest enough to admit it. ** Ch. 8. Most likely a misattribution. A ''Newsweek'' article at the time of the match attributed the quote "Thank God our grandpappies caught that boat!" to [[George Foreman]]'s manager Dick Sadler. "It Takes a Heap of Salongo", ''Newsweek'' (September 23, 1974), p. 72. * While posing as the pursuer of thieves, and the restorer of stolen goods, the government is actually the biggest thief of all. In fact, progressives have turned a large body of Americans—basically, Democratic voters—into accessories of theft by convincing them that they are doing something just and moral by picking their fellow citizens' pockets. ** Ch. 14<!--: The Biggest Thief of All--> * Progressives have convinced people that they are fighting theft. If a greedy capitalist has looted your possessions, you would want the government to do something about it. An essential function of government is to bring thieves to justice and to restore stolen possessions to their rightful owners. If the progressive critique is valid, then it doesn't matter if government does it inefficiently, since there is no one else to do the job: inefficient justice is better than no justice. Moreover, when we ask the police to go after bad guys and repossess their stolen goods, we aren't concerned with whether we foster virtue among the "giver" and gratitude in the "receiver." That's because the giver isn't really giving; he's merely giving back, and the receiver has no cause for gratitude since he (or she) is merely being made whole. In this scenario, Americans who are sitting in the bandwagon have earned that right, and the people pulling are the thieves who deserve to be penalized and castigated. This is why I've devoted the bulk of this book to refuting the theft critique. If I've succeeded, then the whole progressive argument collapses and our federal government, far from being an instrument of justice, now becomes an instrument of plunder. ** Ch. 14 * Here's the formula for Obama's success: "They work, and you eat." ** Ch. 14 * The Chinese, the Indians, the Brazilians, and the Russians are all getting richer and stronger due to wealth creation. Yet the leaders of these countries, while they appreciate wealth creation as one way to gain power, have never given up on the conquest ethic as another way to gain power. In fact, they see wealth creation as away to increase their military power; then that power can be deployed to acquire more wealth through conquest. [Americans] no longer have the conquest ethic. But the Chinese do; they have never given it up. This is why the world still needs America. We remain the custodians of the idea that wealth should be obtained through invention and trade, not through forced seizure. ** Ch. 16<!--: Decline Is a Choice--> * If we think of the ''Titanic'' as symbolizing the American era, Obama wants that ship to go down. Obama is the architect of American decline, and progressivism is the ideology of American suicide. ** Ch. 16 * This is our turn at the wheel, and history will judge us based on how we handle it. Decline is a choice, but so is liberty. ** Ch. 16 <!-- === Debates === [[File:Dinesh DSouza speaking at CPAC 2012, UNEDITED. (6859827729).jpg|thumb|My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants.]] * My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJvoFbA0qcs&feature=youtu.be&t=12m33s "What's So Great About God?: Atheism vs Religion"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[Christopher Hitchens]] debate at Macky Auditorium, CU Boulder (26 January 2009) * [[w:Dan Barker|Dan]] has raised so many points... '''I feel a bit like the mosquito at the nudist colony—I'm just not sure where to begin!''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fzde_QN4fE&feature=youtu.be&t=19m40s "Does God Exist?"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[w:Dan Barker|Dan Barker]] debate at Prestonwood Christian Academy, Plano, TX (November 19, 2009) --> === Documentary films === ==== ''[[w:2016: Obama's America|2016: Obama's America]]'' (2012) ==== {{main|2016: Obama's America}} * The first time, we did not know what change would look like. Now we do. The first time, we did not know Barack Obama. Now we do. Which dream will we carry into 2016? The American dream or Obama's dream? The future is not in my hands. It's not even in Obama's hands. The future is in ''your'' hands. ==== ''[[w:America: Imagine the World Without Her|America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014) ==== {{main|America: Imagine the World Without Her}} [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Slavery existed all over the world... What's uniquely American is the fighting of a great war to end it.]] * Imagine the unimaginable... What would the world look like if America did not exist? * Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America. * Slavery existed all over the world. The Egyptians had slaves. The Chinese had slaves. The Africans did. American Indians had slaves long before Columbus. And tragically, slavery continues today in many countries. What's uniquely Western is the [[Abolitionism|abolition]] of slavery. And what's uniquely American is the fighting of a [[American Civil War|great war]] to end it. * [[Capitalism]] works not through coercion or conquest, but through the consent of the consumer. ====''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party'' (2016)==== :<small>[https://youtube.com/r7e6gLht6OQ ''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party''] (2016)</small> *The Obama administration tried to shut me up. ====''The Big Lie: Exposing the Nazi Roots of the American Left'' (2017)==== Washington DC, Regnery Publishing, 2017 *By limiting state power, conservatives seek among other things to protect the right of the people to keep the fruit of their own labor. [[Abraham Lincoln]], America’s first Republican president, placed himself squarely in the founding tradition when he said, ‘I always thought the man who made the corn should eat the corn.’ Lincoln, like the founders, was not concerned that private property or private earnings might cause economic inequality. Rather, he believed, as three of the founders themselves wrote in the [[The Federalist Papers|''Federalist Papers'']] No. 10, that ‘the protection of different and unequal faculties of acquiring property’ is the ‘first object of government.’ ** p. 33 *[[Giovanni Gentile | Gentile]] was, in fact, a lifelong socialist. Like Marx, he viewed socialism as the sine qua non of social justice, the ultimate formula for everyone paying their ‘fair share.’ For Gentile, fascism is nothing more than a modified form of socialism, a socialism arising not merely from material deprivation but also from an aroused national consciousness, a socialism that unites rather than divides communities. ** p. 53 *Gentile also perceived fascism emerging out of revolutionary struggle, what the media today terms ‘protest’ or ‘activism.’ Unlike [[Karl Marx |Marx]], he conceived the struggle not between the working class and the capitalists, but between the selfish individual trying to live for himself and the fully actualized individual who willingly puts himself at the behest of society and the state. Gentile seems to be the unacknowledged ancestor of the street activism of [[Antifa (United States) | Antifa]] and other leftist groups. ‘One of the major virtues of fascism,’ he writes, ‘is that it obliged those who watched from their windows to come down into the street.’ ** p. 53 *One might naively expect the Left, then, to embrace and celebrate Gentile. This, of course, will never happen. The Left has the desperate need to conceal fascism’s association with contemporary leftism. Even when the Left uses Gentilean rhetoric, it’s source can never be publicly acknowledged. And since the Left dominates academia and popular culture, it has the clout to perform this vanishing trick. That’s why the progressives intend to keep Gentile where they’ve got him: dead, buried, and forgotten. ** p. 55 *If you read the [[w:National Socialist Program |Nazi platform]] without knowing its source, you could easily be forgiven for thinking you were reading the 2016 platform of the Democratic Party. Or at least a Democratic platform drafted jointly by [[Bernie Sanders]] and [[Elizabeth Warren]]. Sure, some of the language is out of date. The Democrats can’t talk about ‘usury’ these days; they’d have to substitute ‘Wall Street greed.’ But otherwise, it’s all there. All you have to do is cross out the word ‘Nazi’ and write in the word ‘Democrat.’ **pp. 60-61 *The fascists adopted an economic policy that is closely parallel to, and in many respects identical with, today’s progressivism. Mussolini called this policy ‘corporatism,’ but a more descriptive term would be state-run capitalism. Mussolini envisioned a powerful centralized state directing the institutions of the private sector, forcing their private welfare into line with the national welfare… Although today’s American Left dares not invoke Mussolini’s name, the honest among them will have to admit that it was he and his fellow fascists who were their pioneers and paved their way. ** p. 86 *As he thought about these problems, Hitler’s attention was turned to America. Hitler didn’t know a lot about America. He had never been to America. And he despised America. ‘My feeling against Americanism,’ he later said in 1942, ‘are feeling of hatred and deep repugnance.’ Why? He claimed, ’Everything about the behavior of American society reveals that it’s half Judaized and the other half negrified.’ Moreover, America is ‘a country where everything is built on the dollar.’ For Hitler, America represented the worst case of unrestricted Jewish [[Capitalism| capitalism]] **p. 88 *FDR [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] cozied up to and made deals with the worst racists in America… FDR appointed Hugo Black, a former Ku Klux Klansman, to the Supreme Court. Black was completely unqualified—his only judicial experience had been eighteen months as a municipal court judge—but he had a reputation as an enthusiastic New Dealer who had publicly endorsed FDR’s court-packing plan. Black was also an active Klan member who had spoken at and led Klan rallies and marches throughout his native Alabama. **pp. 189-190 *FDR also supported racist Democrats in Congress in their efforts to thwart anti-lynching laws. This was a key condition the racists put before FDR. They said they would not support FDR’s [[New Deal]] programs unless FDR supported their effort to block Republican anti-lynching bills. So FDR convinced even northern Democrats and progressives to back their southern counterparts in keeping these bills from coming to the floor for a vote. This is one of the most disgraceful legacies of the FDR presidency and it goes virtually unmentioned in progressive FDR biographies. **p. 190 == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.dineshdsouza.com/ Official website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dsouza, Dinesh}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Christian apologists]] [[Category:Film directors from India]] [[Category:People from Mumbai]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from India]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Christians from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from India]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] eird3r87mxv9em5pnxf3wm1ex9728k5 3944337 3944335 2026-05-23T01:39:44Z DanielTom 608538 /* 2010 */ 3944337 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dinesh D'Souza.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].]] '''[[w:Dinesh D'Souza|Dinesh Joseph D'Souza]]''' (born [[April 25]], [[1961]]) is an [[India]]n-born [[United States|American]] political commentator, filmmaker, and author. : See also: ::'''''[[2016: Obama's America]]''''' (2012) ::'''''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]''''' (2014) == Quotes == [[File:Statue_of_Liberty_7.jpg|thumb|In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life.]] [[File:Above_Gotham.jpg|thumb|Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it.]] [[File:LuMaxArt Golden Family With World Religions.jpg|thumb|The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge.]] [[File:Choeungek2.JPG|thumb|[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.]] ===1996=== * Consistent with [[Martin Luther King]]'s vision, the government should stop color-coding its citizens. ** {{citation |date=1996-12-02 |title=As I See It |periodical=Forbes |volume=158 |number=13 |page=48 |issn=0015-6914 }} ===2002=== * Colonial possessions added to the prestige, and to a much lesser degree to the wealth, of Europe. But the primary cause of Western affluence and power is internal—the institutions of [[science]], [[democracy]], and [[capitalism]] acting in concert. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-07 |title=Two cheers for colonialism |periodical=SFGate |url=http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Two-cheers-for-colonialism-2799327.php }} * America is the most magnanimous of all imperial powers that have ever existed. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-30 |title=What's So Great about America |periodical=Hoover Digest |url=http://www.hoover.org/research/whats-so-great-about-america }} * One way to be effective as a conservative is to figure out what annoys and disturbs liberals the most, and then keep doing it. ** {{citation |date=2002-10-01 |chapter=How to Harpoon a Liberal |title=Letters to a Young Conservative |publisher=Basic Books |page=135 |isbn=0465017339 |lccn=202008679 |ol=7593294M}} ===2003=== * '''[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].''' ** ''The Washington Post'', {{#formatdate:2003-07-04}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2003-07-08 |author=Cal Thomas |title=Theological dictators |periodical=Townhall.com |accessdate=2019-09-06 |url=https://townhall.com/columnists/calthomas/2003/07/08/theological-dictators-n752580 }} ===2006=== * '''[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.''' ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} * The crimes of atheism have generally been perpetrated through a hubristic [[ideology]] that sees man, not God, as the creator of values. Using the latest techniques of [[science]] and [[technology]], man seeks to displace God and create a secular [[utopia]] here on earth. ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} ===2007=== * I've been studying radical Islamic thought—specifically, the thinkers who have influenced contemporary radical Muslims. When you read their work, you find that there are no denunciations of modernity, no condemnations of science, no condemnations of freedom. In fact, their whole argument seems to be that the United States—through our support of secular dictators in the region—is denying Muslims freedom and control over their own destiny. ** {{citation |date=2007-01-31 |author=Brian Saint-Paul |title=Knowing the Enemy - Dinesh D'Souza on Islam and the West |periodical=CatholiCity |url=https://www.catholicity.com/commentary/saint-paul/00041.html }} * If the televangelists are guilty of producing some simple-minded, self-righteous Christians, then the atheist authors are guilty of producing self-congratulatory buffoons like [[Pat Condell|Condell]]. ** {{citation |date=2007-09-26 |title=Why Is This Atheist So Smug? |periodical=AOL News |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20081013050223/http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2007/09/26/why-is-this-atheist-so-smug/62 |archivedate=2008-10-13 }} ===2008=== * The ideas that define Western civilization, [[Nietzsche]] said, are based on Christianity. Because some of these ideas seem to have taken on a life of their own, we might have the illusion that we can abandon Christianity while retaining them. This illusion, Nietzsche warns us, is just that. Remove Christianity and the ideas fall too. ** Speech [http://theroadtoemmaus.org/RdLb/21PbAr/Hst/XtyShapesWest-DSouza.html "Created Equal: How Christianity Shaped The West"] (16 September 2008). ===2010=== [[File:Barack Obama Sr. 1962.jpg|thumb|Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost.]] * Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost. ** {{citation |date=2010-09-09 |title=How Obama Thinks |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2010/0927/politics-socialism-capitalism-private-enterprises-obama-business-problem.html }} ===2014=== * The American Indians sold Manhattan to the Dutch for $700 in today's money. My point is, that's what Manhattan was worth then. It was useless, it was just a piece of land, like any other piece of land which you can buy today for $700 in many places in the world. Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it. ** {{citation |date=2014-06-18 |author=Jamie Weinstein |title=Dinesh D'Souza Takes On The Case For Reparations: 'The Innovation Of America Is The Result Of Capitalism' |periodical=The Daily Caller |url=http://dailycaller.com/2014/06/18/dinesh-dsouza-takes-on-the-case-for-reparations-the-innovation-of-america-is-the-result-of-capitalism/ }} * The American idea of wealth creation is being embraced in India, in China, all over the world. It's lifting hundreds of millions of people out of poverty. So ironically this American formula that we are moving away from at home under Obama is being enthusiastically embraced all around the world. ** Debate with {{w|Bill Ayers}} on {{citation |date=2014-07-02 |title=The Kelly File |publisher=Fox News |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfVUktKzPSA }} * Scaring the children: for Halloween last night, I dressed as a Democrat and when kids came to my door, I took half of their candy! ** [https://www.facebook.com/DSouzaDinesh/photos/a.279556495404346.96395.216709768355686/985875871439068/ ''Facebook'' post], {{#formatdate:2014-11-01}} ===2017=== * [[George Soros|georgesoros]], now a principle financial backer of violent #Antifa thugs, admits his collaboration with Hitler and says he has no regrets: ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20181031151948/https:/twitter.com/DineshDSouza/status/903777010115198977 ''Twitter''], {{#formatdate:2017-09-27}}, archived {{#formatdate:2018-10-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-02-04 |title=Was George Soros an SS Officer or Nazi Collaborator During World War II? |author=David Emery |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/george-soros-ss-nazi-germany/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}} ===2022=== *If you follow Jan. 6 at the granular level with the facts that are coming out slowly, they are coming out because the government has been very reluctant to release footage, particularly footage of what happened in the tunnel on Jan. 6, where you now begin to see these cops using massive amounts of force against unarmed Trump supporters, including women.<br>The death of [[Rosanne Boyland]] is now being called into question.<br>Was she the second Trump supporter that was killed by the authorities? **4 January 2022 interview with [[Laura Ingraham]] reported in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/jan/10/dinesh-dsouza/dsouza-falsely-claims-jan-6-video-shows-police-usi/ 10 January 2022 article by Politifact] ===Articles=== ====''10 Things to Celebrate: Why I'm an Anti-Anti-American'' (June 2003)==== :<small>Full text of [https://web.archive.org/web/20120903233650/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php?#photo-2709803 "10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American"] (29 June 2003) at ''SFGate''.</small> * Anti-Americanism from abroad would not be such a problem if Americans were united in standing up for their own country. But in this country itself, there are those who blame America for most of the evils in the world. On the political left, many fault the United States for a history of slavery, and for continuing inequality and racism. Even on the right, traditionally the home of patriotism, we hear influential figures say that America has become so decadent... If these critics are right, then America should be destroyed. And who can dispute some of their particulars? This country did have a history of slavery and racism continues to exist. There is much in our culture that is vulgar and decadent. But the critics are wrong about America, because they are missing the big picture. In their indignation over the sins of America, they ignore what is unique and good about American civilization. *In the American view, there is nothing vile or degraded about serving your customers either as a CEO or as a waiter. The ordinary life of production and supporting a family is more highly valued in the United States than in any other country. America is the only country in the world where we call the waiter 'sir', as if he were a knight. America has achieved greater social equality than any other society. True, there are large inequalities of income and wealth in America. In purely economic terms, Europe is more egalitarian. But Americans are socially more equal than any other people, and this is unaffected by economic disparities. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this egalitarianism a century and a half ago and it is, if anything, more prevalent today. For all his riches, Bill Gates could not approach the typical American and say, 'Here's a $100 bill. I'll give it to you if you kiss my feet'. Most likely, the person would tell Gates to go to hell! The American view is that the rich guy may have more money, but he isn't in any fundamental sense better than anyone else. * Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which Serbs and Croatians, Sikhs and Hindus, Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world? *America, the freest nation on Earth, is also the most virtuous nation on Earth. This point seems counter-intuitive, given the amount of conspicuous vulgarity, vice and immorality in America. Some Islamic fundamentalists argue that their regimes are morally superior to the United States because they seek to foster virtue among the citizens. Virtue, these fundamentalists argue, is a higher principle than liberty. Indeed it is. And let us admit that in a free society, freedom will frequently be used badly. Freedom, by definition, includes the freedom to do good or evil, to act nobly or basely. But if freedom brings out the worst in people, it also brings out the best. The millions of Americans who live decent, praiseworthy lives deserve our highest admiration because they have opted for the good when the good is not the only available option. Even amid the temptations of a rich and free society, they have remained on the straight path. Their virtue has special luster because it is freely chosen. By contrast, the societies that many Islamic fundamentalists seek would eliminate the possibility of virtue. If the supply of virtue is insufficient in a free society like America, it is almost nonexistent in an unfree society like Iran's. The reason is that coerced virtues are not virtues at all. Consider the woman who is required to wear a veil. There is no modesty in this, because she is being compelled. Compulsion cannot produce virtue, it can only produce the outward semblance of virtue. Thus a free society like America's is not merely more prosperous, more varied, more peaceful, and more tolerant; it is also morally superior to the theocratic and authoritarian regimes that America's enemies advocate. *We should love our country not just because it is ours, but also because it is good. America is far from perfect, and there is lots of room for improvement. In spite of its flaws, however, American life as it is lived today is the best life that our world has to offer. Ultimately America is worthy of our love and sacrifice because, more than any other society, it makes possible the good life, and the life that is good. *If I had remained in India, I would probably have lived my whole life within a five-mile radius of where I was born. I would undoubtedly have married a woman of my identical religious and socioeconomic background. I would almost certainly have become a medical doctor, or an engineer, or a computer programmer. I would have socialized entirely within my ethnic community. I would have a whole set of opinions that could be predicted in advance; indeed, they would not be very different from what my father believed, or his father before him. In sum, my destiny would to a large degree have been given to me... The typical American could come to India, live for 40 years, and take Indian citizenship. But he could not 'become Indian'. He wouldn't see himself that way, nor would most Indians see him that way. In America, by contrast, hundreds of millions have come from far-flung shores and over time they, or at least their children, have in a profound and full sense 'become American'. === Books === ==== ''The End of Racism'' (1995) ==== * ''If racism is not the main problem for blacks, what is?'' Liberal antiracism. ** Ch. 1<!--: The White Man's Burden--> * Racism originated not in ignorance and fear but as part of an enlightened enterprise of intellectual discovery. ** Ch. 1 * The main contemporary obstacle facing African Americans is neither white racism, as many liberals claim, nor black genetic deficiency, as [[Charles Murray]] and others imply. Rather it involves destructive and pathological cultural patterns of behavior: excessive reliance on government, conspiratorial paranoia about racism, a resistance to academic achievement as "acting white," a celebration of the criminal and outlaw as authentically black, and the normalization of illegitimacy and dependency. ** Ch. 1 * The American slave was treated like property, which is to say, pretty well. ** Ch. 3<!--: An American Dilemma * The worst decay in the two-parent black family unit seems to have occurred not during slavery or as a result of slavery, but much later and for different reasons. Nor is there any evidence that as a consequence of slavery, blacks condoned illegitimacy as acceptable within the community. For the decline and fragility of the contemporary black family, the institution of slavery bears only a minor responsibility. ** Ch. 3: An American Dilemma --> * Strictly speaking, relativism does not permit social progress, because the new culture is by definition no better than the one it replaced. ** Ch. 6<!--:The Race Merchants--> * It is understandable but implausible...to insist upon prominent media accounts about law-abiding citizens and quotidian virtue; this is a bit like the airline industry complaining that the press does not write stories about airplanes that land safely. ** Ch. 7<!--: Is America a Racist Society?--> * Black rage is largely a response not to white racism but to black failure. ** Ch. 8<!--: Institutional Racism and Double Standards--> * If biological differences do exist, they cannot be wished away. However unpopular the investigation, we have to take the possibility of natural differences seriously. What is at stake is nothing less than the foundation of contemporary liberalism. ** Ch. 11<!--: The Content of Our Chromosomes--> ==== ''What's So Great About America'' (2003) ==== [[File:Motherhood and apple pie.jpg|thumb|I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat."]] * Americans are the friendliest people you will encounter, but they have few friends. ** Ch. 1: Why They Hate Us * What the immigrant cannot help noticing is that America is a country where the poor live comparatively well. This fact was dramatized in the 1980s, when CBS television broadcast an anti-Reagan documentary, "People Like Us", which was intended to show the miseries of the poor during an American recession. The Soviet Union also broadcast the documentary, with a view to embarrassing the Reagan administration. But by the testimony of former Soviet leaders, it had the opposite effect. Ordinary people across the Soviet Union saw that the poorest Americans have television sets and microwave ovens and cars. They arrived at the same perception of America that I witnessed in a friend of mine from Bombay who has been unsuccessfully trying to move to the United States for nearly a decade. Finally I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat." ** Ch. 3: Becoming American * In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life. Your life is like a blank sheet of paper, and you are the artist. * As an immigrant, I am constantly surprised by how much I hear racism talked about and how little I actually see it. (Even fewer are the incidents in which I have experienced it directly.) ** Ch. 4: The Reparations Fallacy * America is a new kind of society that produces a new kind of human being. That human being—confident, self-reliant, tolerant, generous, future oriented—is a vast improvement over the wretched, servile, fatalistic, and intolerant human being that traditional societies have always produced, and that Islamic societies produce now. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful * America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful ==== ''The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left And its Responsibility for 9 / 11'' (2007) ==== * The cultural left, and its allies in Congress, the media, Hollywood, the nonprofit sector, and the universities are the primary cause of the volcano of anger toward America that is erupting from the Islamic world. ** Introduction, pp. 1–2 * The [George W.] Bush administration and the conservatives must stop promoting American popular culture because it is producing a blowback of Muslim rage. With a few exceptions, the right should not bother to defend American movies, music, and television. From the point of view of traditional values, they are indefensible. Moreover, why should the right stand up for the left's debased values? Why should our people defend their America? Rather, American conservatives should join the Muslims and others in condemning the global moral degeneracy that is produced by liberal values. ** Introduction, p. 26 ==== ''What's So Great about Christianity'' (2007) ==== * They [atheists] want to control school curricula so they can promote a secular ideology and undermine Christianity. ** Preface * Today courts wrongly interpret separation of church and state to mean that religion has no place in the public arena, or that morality derived from religion should not be permitted to shape our laws. Somehow freedom for religious expression has become freedom from religious expression. Secularists want to empty the public square of religion and religious-based morality so they can monopolize the shared space of society with their own views. ** Ch. 3 * My conclusion is that contrary to popular belief, [[atheism]] is not primarily an intellectual revolt, it is a moral revolt. Atheists don't find God invisible so much as objectionable. They aren't adjusting their desires to the truth, but rather the truth to fit their desires. [...] This is the perennial appeal of atheism: it gets rid of the stern fellow with the long beard and liberates us for the pleasures of sin and depravity. The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge. ** Ch. 23 * Do you believe in the existence of [[Socrates]]? [[Alexander the Great]]? [[Julius Caesar]]? If historicity is established by written records in multiple copies that date originally from near contemporaneous sources, there is far more proof for [[Jesus|Christ]]'s existence than for any of theirs. ** Ch. 26 ==== ''The Roots of Obama's Rage'' (2010) ==== <!-- * It is the anti-colonial ideology of his [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|African father]] that [[Barack Obama]] took to heart. ** Ch. 2: The Black Man's Burden --> * We are today living out the script for America and the world that was dreamt up not by [[Barack Obama|Obama]] but by [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Obama's father]]. How do I know this? Because Obama says so himself. Reflect for a moment on the title of his book: it's not ''Dreams of My Father'' but rather ''Dreams from My Father''. In other words, Obama is not writing a book about his father's dreams; he is writing a book about the dreams that he got from his father.{{pbr}}Think about what this means. The most powerful country in the world is being governed according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s—a polygamist who abandoned his wives, drank himself into stupors, and bounced around on two iron legs (after his real legs had to be amputated because of a car crash caused by his drunk driving). This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anti-colonial ambitions, is now setting the nation’s agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son is the one who is making it happen, but the son is, as he candidly admits, only living out his father’s dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is being governed by a ghost. ** Ch. 10: The Last Anti-Colonial ==== ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014) ==== [[File:Portrait of a Man, Said to be Christopher Columbus 2.jpg|thumb|Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America.]] * How, for example, did Obama get elected as a complete unknown? ... There is a one word answer: slavery. America's national guilt over slavery continues to benefit Obama, who ironically is not himself descended from slaves. ** Ch. 1<!--: Suicide of a Nation--> * Did America owe something to the slaves whose labor had been stolen? ... That debt...is best discharged through memory, because the slaves are dead and their descendants...are better off as a consequence of their ancestors being hauled from Africa to America. ** Ch. 8<!--: Their Fourth of July--> * Better off? The point is illustrated by the great African American boxer [[Muhammad Ali]]. In the early 1970s Muhammad Ali fought for the heavyweight title against George Foreman. The fight was held in the African nation of Zaire; it was insensitively called the "rumble in the jungle." Ali won the fight, and upon returning to the United States, he was asked by a reporter, "Champ, what did you think of Africa?" Ali replied, "Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat!" There is a characteristic mischievous pungency to Ali's remark, yet it also expresses a widely held sentiment. Ali recognizes that for all the horror of slavery, it was the transmission belt that brought Africans into the orbit of Western freedom. The slaves were not better off—the boat Ali refers to brought the slaves through a horrific Middle Passage to a life of painful servitude—yet their descendants today, even if they won't admit it, are better off. Ali was honest enough to admit it. ** Ch. 8. Most likely a misattribution. A ''Newsweek'' article at the time of the match attributed the quote "Thank God our grandpappies caught that boat!" to [[George Foreman]]'s manager Dick Sadler. "It Takes a Heap of Salongo", ''Newsweek'' (September 23, 1974), p. 72. * While posing as the pursuer of thieves, and the restorer of stolen goods, the government is actually the biggest thief of all. In fact, progressives have turned a large body of Americans—basically, Democratic voters—into accessories of theft by convincing them that they are doing something just and moral by picking their fellow citizens' pockets. ** Ch. 14<!--: The Biggest Thief of All--> * Progressives have convinced people that they are fighting theft. If a greedy capitalist has looted your possessions, you would want the government to do something about it. An essential function of government is to bring thieves to justice and to restore stolen possessions to their rightful owners. If the progressive critique is valid, then it doesn't matter if government does it inefficiently, since there is no one else to do the job: inefficient justice is better than no justice. Moreover, when we ask the police to go after bad guys and repossess their stolen goods, we aren't concerned with whether we foster virtue among the "giver" and gratitude in the "receiver." That's because the giver isn't really giving; he's merely giving back, and the receiver has no cause for gratitude since he (or she) is merely being made whole. In this scenario, Americans who are sitting in the bandwagon have earned that right, and the people pulling are the thieves who deserve to be penalized and castigated. This is why I've devoted the bulk of this book to refuting the theft critique. If I've succeeded, then the whole progressive argument collapses and our federal government, far from being an instrument of justice, now becomes an instrument of plunder. ** Ch. 14 * Here's the formula for Obama's success: "They work, and you eat." ** Ch. 14 * The Chinese, the Indians, the Brazilians, and the Russians are all getting richer and stronger due to wealth creation. Yet the leaders of these countries, while they appreciate wealth creation as one way to gain power, have never given up on the conquest ethic as another way to gain power. In fact, they see wealth creation as away to increase their military power; then that power can be deployed to acquire more wealth through conquest. [Americans] no longer have the conquest ethic. But the Chinese do; they have never given it up. This is why the world still needs America. We remain the custodians of the idea that wealth should be obtained through invention and trade, not through forced seizure. ** Ch. 16<!--: Decline Is a Choice--> * If we think of the ''Titanic'' as symbolizing the American era, Obama wants that ship to go down. Obama is the architect of American decline, and progressivism is the ideology of American suicide. ** Ch. 16 * This is our turn at the wheel, and history will judge us based on how we handle it. Decline is a choice, but so is liberty. ** Ch. 16 <!-- === Debates === [[File:Dinesh DSouza speaking at CPAC 2012, UNEDITED. (6859827729).jpg|thumb|My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants.]] * My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJvoFbA0qcs&feature=youtu.be&t=12m33s "What's So Great About God?: Atheism vs Religion"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[Christopher Hitchens]] debate at Macky Auditorium, CU Boulder (26 January 2009) * [[w:Dan Barker|Dan]] has raised so many points... '''I feel a bit like the mosquito at the nudist colony—I'm just not sure where to begin!''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fzde_QN4fE&feature=youtu.be&t=19m40s "Does God Exist?"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[w:Dan Barker|Dan Barker]] debate at Prestonwood Christian Academy, Plano, TX (November 19, 2009) --> === Documentary films === ==== ''[[w:2016: Obama's America|2016: Obama's America]]'' (2012) ==== {{main|2016: Obama's America}} * The first time, we did not know what change would look like. Now we do. The first time, we did not know Barack Obama. Now we do. Which dream will we carry into 2016? The American dream or Obama's dream? The future is not in my hands. It's not even in Obama's hands. The future is in ''your'' hands. ==== ''[[w:America: Imagine the World Without Her|America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014) ==== {{main|America: Imagine the World Without Her}} [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Slavery existed all over the world... What's uniquely American is the fighting of a great war to end it.]] * Imagine the unimaginable... What would the world look like if America did not exist? * Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America. * Slavery existed all over the world. The Egyptians had slaves. The Chinese had slaves. The Africans did. American Indians had slaves long before Columbus. And tragically, slavery continues today in many countries. What's uniquely Western is the [[Abolitionism|abolition]] of slavery. And what's uniquely American is the fighting of a [[American Civil War|great war]] to end it. * [[Capitalism]] works not through coercion or conquest, but through the consent of the consumer. ====''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party'' (2016)==== :<small>[https://youtube.com/r7e6gLht6OQ ''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party''] (2016)</small> *The Obama administration tried to shut me up. ====''The Big Lie: Exposing the Nazi Roots of the American Left'' (2017)==== Washington DC, Regnery Publishing, 2017 *By limiting state power, conservatives seek among other things to protect the right of the people to keep the fruit of their own labor. [[Abraham Lincoln]], America’s first Republican president, placed himself squarely in the founding tradition when he said, ‘I always thought the man who made the corn should eat the corn.’ Lincoln, like the founders, was not concerned that private property or private earnings might cause economic inequality. Rather, he believed, as three of the founders themselves wrote in the [[The Federalist Papers|''Federalist Papers'']] No. 10, that ‘the protection of different and unequal faculties of acquiring property’ is the ‘first object of government.’ ** p. 33 *[[Giovanni Gentile | Gentile]] was, in fact, a lifelong socialist. Like Marx, he viewed socialism as the sine qua non of social justice, the ultimate formula for everyone paying their ‘fair share.’ For Gentile, fascism is nothing more than a modified form of socialism, a socialism arising not merely from material deprivation but also from an aroused national consciousness, a socialism that unites rather than divides communities. ** p. 53 *Gentile also perceived fascism emerging out of revolutionary struggle, what the media today terms ‘protest’ or ‘activism.’ Unlike [[Karl Marx |Marx]], he conceived the struggle not between the working class and the capitalists, but between the selfish individual trying to live for himself and the fully actualized individual who willingly puts himself at the behest of society and the state. Gentile seems to be the unacknowledged ancestor of the street activism of [[Antifa (United States) | Antifa]] and other leftist groups. ‘One of the major virtues of fascism,’ he writes, ‘is that it obliged those who watched from their windows to come down into the street.’ ** p. 53 *One might naively expect the Left, then, to embrace and celebrate Gentile. This, of course, will never happen. The Left has the desperate need to conceal fascism’s association with contemporary leftism. Even when the Left uses Gentilean rhetoric, it’s source can never be publicly acknowledged. And since the Left dominates academia and popular culture, it has the clout to perform this vanishing trick. That’s why the progressives intend to keep Gentile where they’ve got him: dead, buried, and forgotten. ** p. 55 *If you read the [[w:National Socialist Program |Nazi platform]] without knowing its source, you could easily be forgiven for thinking you were reading the 2016 platform of the Democratic Party. Or at least a Democratic platform drafted jointly by [[Bernie Sanders]] and [[Elizabeth Warren]]. Sure, some of the language is out of date. The Democrats can’t talk about ‘usury’ these days; they’d have to substitute ‘Wall Street greed.’ But otherwise, it’s all there. All you have to do is cross out the word ‘Nazi’ and write in the word ‘Democrat.’ **pp. 60-61 *The fascists adopted an economic policy that is closely parallel to, and in many respects identical with, today’s progressivism. Mussolini called this policy ‘corporatism,’ but a more descriptive term would be state-run capitalism. Mussolini envisioned a powerful centralized state directing the institutions of the private sector, forcing their private welfare into line with the national welfare… Although today’s American Left dares not invoke Mussolini’s name, the honest among them will have to admit that it was he and his fellow fascists who were their pioneers and paved their way. ** p. 86 *As he thought about these problems, Hitler’s attention was turned to America. Hitler didn’t know a lot about America. He had never been to America. And he despised America. ‘My feeling against Americanism,’ he later said in 1942, ‘are feeling of hatred and deep repugnance.’ Why? He claimed, ’Everything about the behavior of American society reveals that it’s half Judaized and the other half negrified.’ Moreover, America is ‘a country where everything is built on the dollar.’ For Hitler, America represented the worst case of unrestricted Jewish [[Capitalism| capitalism]] **p. 88 *FDR [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] cozied up to and made deals with the worst racists in America… FDR appointed Hugo Black, a former Ku Klux Klansman, to the Supreme Court. Black was completely unqualified—his only judicial experience had been eighteen months as a municipal court judge—but he had a reputation as an enthusiastic New Dealer who had publicly endorsed FDR’s court-packing plan. Black was also an active Klan member who had spoken at and led Klan rallies and marches throughout his native Alabama. **pp. 189-190 *FDR also supported racist Democrats in Congress in their efforts to thwart anti-lynching laws. This was a key condition the racists put before FDR. They said they would not support FDR’s [[New Deal]] programs unless FDR supported their effort to block Republican anti-lynching bills. So FDR convinced even northern Democrats and progressives to back their southern counterparts in keeping these bills from coming to the floor for a vote. This is one of the most disgraceful legacies of the FDR presidency and it goes virtually unmentioned in progressive FDR biographies. **p. 190 == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.dineshdsouza.com/ Official website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dsouza, Dinesh}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Christian apologists]] [[Category:Film directors from India]] [[Category:People from Mumbai]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from India]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Christians from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from India]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] 7bwe6x2tyhd8fgbmu8n8ln1ez9tmk1i 3944338 3944337 2026-05-23T01:41:29Z DanielTom 608538 a more fitting image 3944338 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dinesh D'Souza.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].]] '''[[w:Dinesh D'Souza|Dinesh Joseph D'Souza]]''' (born [[April 25]], [[1961]]) is an [[India]]n-born [[United States|American]] political commentator, filmmaker, and author. : See also: ::'''''[[2016: Obama's America]]''''' (2012) ::'''''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]''''' (2014) == Quotes == [[File:Statue_of_Liberty_7.jpg|thumb|In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life.]] [[File:Above_Gotham.jpg|thumb|Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it.]] [[File:Michelangelo, Creation of Adam 06.jpg|thumb|The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge.]] [[File:Choeungek2.JPG|thumb|[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.]] ===1996=== * Consistent with [[Martin Luther King]]'s vision, the government should stop color-coding its citizens. ** {{citation |date=1996-12-02 |title=As I See It |periodical=Forbes |volume=158 |number=13 |page=48 |issn=0015-6914 }} ===2002=== * Colonial possessions added to the prestige, and to a much lesser degree to the wealth, of Europe. But the primary cause of Western affluence and power is internal—the institutions of [[science]], [[democracy]], and [[capitalism]] acting in concert. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-07 |title=Two cheers for colonialism |periodical=SFGate |url=http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Two-cheers-for-colonialism-2799327.php }} * America is the most magnanimous of all imperial powers that have ever existed. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-30 |title=What's So Great about America |periodical=Hoover Digest |url=http://www.hoover.org/research/whats-so-great-about-america }} * One way to be effective as a conservative is to figure out what annoys and disturbs liberals the most, and then keep doing it. ** {{citation |date=2002-10-01 |chapter=How to Harpoon a Liberal |title=Letters to a Young Conservative |publisher=Basic Books |page=135 |isbn=0465017339 |lccn=202008679 |ol=7593294M}} ===2003=== * '''[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].''' ** ''The Washington Post'', {{#formatdate:2003-07-04}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2003-07-08 |author=Cal Thomas |title=Theological dictators |periodical=Townhall.com |accessdate=2019-09-06 |url=https://townhall.com/columnists/calthomas/2003/07/08/theological-dictators-n752580 }} ===2006=== * '''[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.''' ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} * The crimes of atheism have generally been perpetrated through a hubristic [[ideology]] that sees man, not God, as the creator of values. Using the latest techniques of [[science]] and [[technology]], man seeks to displace God and create a secular [[utopia]] here on earth. ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} ===2007=== * I've been studying radical Islamic thought—specifically, the thinkers who have influenced contemporary radical Muslims. When you read their work, you find that there are no denunciations of modernity, no condemnations of science, no condemnations of freedom. In fact, their whole argument seems to be that the United States—through our support of secular dictators in the region—is denying Muslims freedom and control over their own destiny. ** {{citation |date=2007-01-31 |author=Brian Saint-Paul |title=Knowing the Enemy - Dinesh D'Souza on Islam and the West |periodical=CatholiCity |url=https://www.catholicity.com/commentary/saint-paul/00041.html }} * If the televangelists are guilty of producing some simple-minded, self-righteous Christians, then the atheist authors are guilty of producing self-congratulatory buffoons like [[Pat Condell|Condell]]. ** {{citation |date=2007-09-26 |title=Why Is This Atheist So Smug? |periodical=AOL News |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20081013050223/http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2007/09/26/why-is-this-atheist-so-smug/62 |archivedate=2008-10-13 }} ===2008=== * The ideas that define Western civilization, [[Nietzsche]] said, are based on Christianity. Because some of these ideas seem to have taken on a life of their own, we might have the illusion that we can abandon Christianity while retaining them. This illusion, Nietzsche warns us, is just that. Remove Christianity and the ideas fall too. ** Speech [http://theroadtoemmaus.org/RdLb/21PbAr/Hst/XtyShapesWest-DSouza.html "Created Equal: How Christianity Shaped The West"] (16 September 2008). ===2010=== [[File:Barack Obama Sr. 1962.jpg|thumb|Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost.]] * Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost. ** {{citation |date=2010-09-09 |title=How Obama Thinks |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2010/0927/politics-socialism-capitalism-private-enterprises-obama-business-problem.html }} ===2014=== * The American Indians sold Manhattan to the Dutch for $700 in today's money. My point is, that's what Manhattan was worth then. It was useless, it was just a piece of land, like any other piece of land which you can buy today for $700 in many places in the world. Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it. ** {{citation |date=2014-06-18 |author=Jamie Weinstein |title=Dinesh D'Souza Takes On The Case For Reparations: 'The Innovation Of America Is The Result Of Capitalism' |periodical=The Daily Caller |url=http://dailycaller.com/2014/06/18/dinesh-dsouza-takes-on-the-case-for-reparations-the-innovation-of-america-is-the-result-of-capitalism/ }} * The American idea of wealth creation is being embraced in India, in China, all over the world. It's lifting hundreds of millions of people out of poverty. So ironically this American formula that we are moving away from at home under Obama is being enthusiastically embraced all around the world. ** Debate with {{w|Bill Ayers}} on {{citation |date=2014-07-02 |title=The Kelly File |publisher=Fox News |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfVUktKzPSA }} * Scaring the children: for Halloween last night, I dressed as a Democrat and when kids came to my door, I took half of their candy! ** [https://www.facebook.com/DSouzaDinesh/photos/a.279556495404346.96395.216709768355686/985875871439068/ ''Facebook'' post], {{#formatdate:2014-11-01}} ===2017=== * [[George Soros|georgesoros]], now a principle financial backer of violent #Antifa thugs, admits his collaboration with Hitler and says he has no regrets: ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20181031151948/https:/twitter.com/DineshDSouza/status/903777010115198977 ''Twitter''], {{#formatdate:2017-09-27}}, archived {{#formatdate:2018-10-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-02-04 |title=Was George Soros an SS Officer or Nazi Collaborator During World War II? |author=David Emery |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/george-soros-ss-nazi-germany/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}} ===2022=== *If you follow Jan. 6 at the granular level with the facts that are coming out slowly, they are coming out because the government has been very reluctant to release footage, particularly footage of what happened in the tunnel on Jan. 6, where you now begin to see these cops using massive amounts of force against unarmed Trump supporters, including women.<br>The death of [[Rosanne Boyland]] is now being called into question.<br>Was she the second Trump supporter that was killed by the authorities? **4 January 2022 interview with [[Laura Ingraham]] reported in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/jan/10/dinesh-dsouza/dsouza-falsely-claims-jan-6-video-shows-police-usi/ 10 January 2022 article by Politifact] ===Articles=== ====''10 Things to Celebrate: Why I'm an Anti-Anti-American'' (June 2003)==== :<small>Full text of [https://web.archive.org/web/20120903233650/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php?#photo-2709803 "10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American"] (29 June 2003) at ''SFGate''.</small> * Anti-Americanism from abroad would not be such a problem if Americans were united in standing up for their own country. But in this country itself, there are those who blame America for most of the evils in the world. On the political left, many fault the United States for a history of slavery, and for continuing inequality and racism. Even on the right, traditionally the home of patriotism, we hear influential figures say that America has become so decadent... If these critics are right, then America should be destroyed. And who can dispute some of their particulars? This country did have a history of slavery and racism continues to exist. There is much in our culture that is vulgar and decadent. But the critics are wrong about America, because they are missing the big picture. In their indignation over the sins of America, they ignore what is unique and good about American civilization. *In the American view, there is nothing vile or degraded about serving your customers either as a CEO or as a waiter. The ordinary life of production and supporting a family is more highly valued in the United States than in any other country. America is the only country in the world where we call the waiter 'sir', as if he were a knight. America has achieved greater social equality than any other society. True, there are large inequalities of income and wealth in America. In purely economic terms, Europe is more egalitarian. But Americans are socially more equal than any other people, and this is unaffected by economic disparities. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this egalitarianism a century and a half ago and it is, if anything, more prevalent today. For all his riches, Bill Gates could not approach the typical American and say, 'Here's a $100 bill. I'll give it to you if you kiss my feet'. Most likely, the person would tell Gates to go to hell! The American view is that the rich guy may have more money, but he isn't in any fundamental sense better than anyone else. * Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which Serbs and Croatians, Sikhs and Hindus, Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world? *America, the freest nation on Earth, is also the most virtuous nation on Earth. This point seems counter-intuitive, given the amount of conspicuous vulgarity, vice and immorality in America. Some Islamic fundamentalists argue that their regimes are morally superior to the United States because they seek to foster virtue among the citizens. Virtue, these fundamentalists argue, is a higher principle than liberty. Indeed it is. And let us admit that in a free society, freedom will frequently be used badly. Freedom, by definition, includes the freedom to do good or evil, to act nobly or basely. But if freedom brings out the worst in people, it also brings out the best. The millions of Americans who live decent, praiseworthy lives deserve our highest admiration because they have opted for the good when the good is not the only available option. Even amid the temptations of a rich and free society, they have remained on the straight path. Their virtue has special luster because it is freely chosen. By contrast, the societies that many Islamic fundamentalists seek would eliminate the possibility of virtue. If the supply of virtue is insufficient in a free society like America, it is almost nonexistent in an unfree society like Iran's. The reason is that coerced virtues are not virtues at all. Consider the woman who is required to wear a veil. There is no modesty in this, because she is being compelled. Compulsion cannot produce virtue, it can only produce the outward semblance of virtue. Thus a free society like America's is not merely more prosperous, more varied, more peaceful, and more tolerant; it is also morally superior to the theocratic and authoritarian regimes that America's enemies advocate. *We should love our country not just because it is ours, but also because it is good. America is far from perfect, and there is lots of room for improvement. In spite of its flaws, however, American life as it is lived today is the best life that our world has to offer. Ultimately America is worthy of our love and sacrifice because, more than any other society, it makes possible the good life, and the life that is good. *If I had remained in India, I would probably have lived my whole life within a five-mile radius of where I was born. I would undoubtedly have married a woman of my identical religious and socioeconomic background. I would almost certainly have become a medical doctor, or an engineer, or a computer programmer. I would have socialized entirely within my ethnic community. I would have a whole set of opinions that could be predicted in advance; indeed, they would not be very different from what my father believed, or his father before him. In sum, my destiny would to a large degree have been given to me... The typical American could come to India, live for 40 years, and take Indian citizenship. But he could not 'become Indian'. He wouldn't see himself that way, nor would most Indians see him that way. In America, by contrast, hundreds of millions have come from far-flung shores and over time they, or at least their children, have in a profound and full sense 'become American'. === Books === ==== ''The End of Racism'' (1995) ==== * ''If racism is not the main problem for blacks, what is?'' Liberal antiracism. ** Ch. 1<!--: The White Man's Burden--> * Racism originated not in ignorance and fear but as part of an enlightened enterprise of intellectual discovery. ** Ch. 1 * The main contemporary obstacle facing African Americans is neither white racism, as many liberals claim, nor black genetic deficiency, as [[Charles Murray]] and others imply. Rather it involves destructive and pathological cultural patterns of behavior: excessive reliance on government, conspiratorial paranoia about racism, a resistance to academic achievement as "acting white," a celebration of the criminal and outlaw as authentically black, and the normalization of illegitimacy and dependency. ** Ch. 1 * The American slave was treated like property, which is to say, pretty well. ** Ch. 3<!--: An American Dilemma * The worst decay in the two-parent black family unit seems to have occurred not during slavery or as a result of slavery, but much later and for different reasons. Nor is there any evidence that as a consequence of slavery, blacks condoned illegitimacy as acceptable within the community. For the decline and fragility of the contemporary black family, the institution of slavery bears only a minor responsibility. ** Ch. 3: An American Dilemma --> * Strictly speaking, relativism does not permit social progress, because the new culture is by definition no better than the one it replaced. ** Ch. 6<!--:The Race Merchants--> * It is understandable but implausible...to insist upon prominent media accounts about law-abiding citizens and quotidian virtue; this is a bit like the airline industry complaining that the press does not write stories about airplanes that land safely. ** Ch. 7<!--: Is America a Racist Society?--> * Black rage is largely a response not to white racism but to black failure. ** Ch. 8<!--: Institutional Racism and Double Standards--> * If biological differences do exist, they cannot be wished away. However unpopular the investigation, we have to take the possibility of natural differences seriously. What is at stake is nothing less than the foundation of contemporary liberalism. ** Ch. 11<!--: The Content of Our Chromosomes--> ==== ''What's So Great About America'' (2003) ==== [[File:Motherhood and apple pie.jpg|thumb|I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat."]] * Americans are the friendliest people you will encounter, but they have few friends. ** Ch. 1: Why They Hate Us * What the immigrant cannot help noticing is that America is a country where the poor live comparatively well. This fact was dramatized in the 1980s, when CBS television broadcast an anti-Reagan documentary, "People Like Us", which was intended to show the miseries of the poor during an American recession. The Soviet Union also broadcast the documentary, with a view to embarrassing the Reagan administration. But by the testimony of former Soviet leaders, it had the opposite effect. Ordinary people across the Soviet Union saw that the poorest Americans have television sets and microwave ovens and cars. They arrived at the same perception of America that I witnessed in a friend of mine from Bombay who has been unsuccessfully trying to move to the United States for nearly a decade. Finally I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat." ** Ch. 3: Becoming American * In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life. Your life is like a blank sheet of paper, and you are the artist. * As an immigrant, I am constantly surprised by how much I hear racism talked about and how little I actually see it. (Even fewer are the incidents in which I have experienced it directly.) ** Ch. 4: The Reparations Fallacy * America is a new kind of society that produces a new kind of human being. That human being—confident, self-reliant, tolerant, generous, future oriented—is a vast improvement over the wretched, servile, fatalistic, and intolerant human being that traditional societies have always produced, and that Islamic societies produce now. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful * America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful ==== ''The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left And its Responsibility for 9 / 11'' (2007) ==== * The cultural left, and its allies in Congress, the media, Hollywood, the nonprofit sector, and the universities are the primary cause of the volcano of anger toward America that is erupting from the Islamic world. ** Introduction, pp. 1–2 * The [George W.] Bush administration and the conservatives must stop promoting American popular culture because it is producing a blowback of Muslim rage. With a few exceptions, the right should not bother to defend American movies, music, and television. From the point of view of traditional values, they are indefensible. Moreover, why should the right stand up for the left's debased values? Why should our people defend their America? Rather, American conservatives should join the Muslims and others in condemning the global moral degeneracy that is produced by liberal values. ** Introduction, p. 26 ==== ''What's So Great about Christianity'' (2007) ==== * They [atheists] want to control school curricula so they can promote a secular ideology and undermine Christianity. ** Preface * Today courts wrongly interpret separation of church and state to mean that religion has no place in the public arena, or that morality derived from religion should not be permitted to shape our laws. Somehow freedom for religious expression has become freedom from religious expression. Secularists want to empty the public square of religion and religious-based morality so they can monopolize the shared space of society with their own views. ** Ch. 3 * My conclusion is that contrary to popular belief, [[atheism]] is not primarily an intellectual revolt, it is a moral revolt. Atheists don't find God invisible so much as objectionable. They aren't adjusting their desires to the truth, but rather the truth to fit their desires. [...] This is the perennial appeal of atheism: it gets rid of the stern fellow with the long beard and liberates us for the pleasures of sin and depravity. The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge. ** Ch. 23 * Do you believe in the existence of [[Socrates]]? [[Alexander the Great]]? [[Julius Caesar]]? If historicity is established by written records in multiple copies that date originally from near contemporaneous sources, there is far more proof for [[Jesus|Christ]]'s existence than for any of theirs. ** Ch. 26 ==== ''The Roots of Obama's Rage'' (2010) ==== <!-- * It is the anti-colonial ideology of his [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|African father]] that [[Barack Obama]] took to heart. ** Ch. 2: The Black Man's Burden --> * We are today living out the script for America and the world that was dreamt up not by [[Barack Obama|Obama]] but by [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Obama's father]]. How do I know this? Because Obama says so himself. Reflect for a moment on the title of his book: it's not ''Dreams of My Father'' but rather ''Dreams from My Father''. In other words, Obama is not writing a book about his father's dreams; he is writing a book about the dreams that he got from his father.{{pbr}}Think about what this means. The most powerful country in the world is being governed according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s—a polygamist who abandoned his wives, drank himself into stupors, and bounced around on two iron legs (after his real legs had to be amputated because of a car crash caused by his drunk driving). This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anti-colonial ambitions, is now setting the nation’s agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son is the one who is making it happen, but the son is, as he candidly admits, only living out his father’s dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is being governed by a ghost. ** Ch. 10: The Last Anti-Colonial ==== ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014) ==== [[File:Portrait of a Man, Said to be Christopher Columbus 2.jpg|thumb|Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America.]] * How, for example, did Obama get elected as a complete unknown? ... There is a one word answer: slavery. America's national guilt over slavery continues to benefit Obama, who ironically is not himself descended from slaves. ** Ch. 1<!--: Suicide of a Nation--> * Did America owe something to the slaves whose labor had been stolen? ... That debt...is best discharged through memory, because the slaves are dead and their descendants...are better off as a consequence of their ancestors being hauled from Africa to America. ** Ch. 8<!--: Their Fourth of July--> * Better off? The point is illustrated by the great African American boxer [[Muhammad Ali]]. In the early 1970s Muhammad Ali fought for the heavyweight title against George Foreman. The fight was held in the African nation of Zaire; it was insensitively called the "rumble in the jungle." Ali won the fight, and upon returning to the United States, he was asked by a reporter, "Champ, what did you think of Africa?" Ali replied, "Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat!" There is a characteristic mischievous pungency to Ali's remark, yet it also expresses a widely held sentiment. Ali recognizes that for all the horror of slavery, it was the transmission belt that brought Africans into the orbit of Western freedom. The slaves were not better off—the boat Ali refers to brought the slaves through a horrific Middle Passage to a life of painful servitude—yet their descendants today, even if they won't admit it, are better off. Ali was honest enough to admit it. ** Ch. 8. Most likely a misattribution. A ''Newsweek'' article at the time of the match attributed the quote "Thank God our grandpappies caught that boat!" to [[George Foreman]]'s manager Dick Sadler. "It Takes a Heap of Salongo", ''Newsweek'' (September 23, 1974), p. 72. * While posing as the pursuer of thieves, and the restorer of stolen goods, the government is actually the biggest thief of all. In fact, progressives have turned a large body of Americans—basically, Democratic voters—into accessories of theft by convincing them that they are doing something just and moral by picking their fellow citizens' pockets. ** Ch. 14<!--: The Biggest Thief of All--> * Progressives have convinced people that they are fighting theft. If a greedy capitalist has looted your possessions, you would want the government to do something about it. An essential function of government is to bring thieves to justice and to restore stolen possessions to their rightful owners. If the progressive critique is valid, then it doesn't matter if government does it inefficiently, since there is no one else to do the job: inefficient justice is better than no justice. Moreover, when we ask the police to go after bad guys and repossess their stolen goods, we aren't concerned with whether we foster virtue among the "giver" and gratitude in the "receiver." That's because the giver isn't really giving; he's merely giving back, and the receiver has no cause for gratitude since he (or she) is merely being made whole. In this scenario, Americans who are sitting in the bandwagon have earned that right, and the people pulling are the thieves who deserve to be penalized and castigated. This is why I've devoted the bulk of this book to refuting the theft critique. If I've succeeded, then the whole progressive argument collapses and our federal government, far from being an instrument of justice, now becomes an instrument of plunder. ** Ch. 14 * Here's the formula for Obama's success: "They work, and you eat." ** Ch. 14 * The Chinese, the Indians, the Brazilians, and the Russians are all getting richer and stronger due to wealth creation. Yet the leaders of these countries, while they appreciate wealth creation as one way to gain power, have never given up on the conquest ethic as another way to gain power. In fact, they see wealth creation as away to increase their military power; then that power can be deployed to acquire more wealth through conquest. [Americans] no longer have the conquest ethic. But the Chinese do; they have never given it up. This is why the world still needs America. We remain the custodians of the idea that wealth should be obtained through invention and trade, not through forced seizure. ** Ch. 16<!--: Decline Is a Choice--> * If we think of the ''Titanic'' as symbolizing the American era, Obama wants that ship to go down. Obama is the architect of American decline, and progressivism is the ideology of American suicide. ** Ch. 16 * This is our turn at the wheel, and history will judge us based on how we handle it. Decline is a choice, but so is liberty. ** Ch. 16 <!-- === Debates === [[File:Dinesh DSouza speaking at CPAC 2012, UNEDITED. (6859827729).jpg|thumb|My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants.]] * My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJvoFbA0qcs&feature=youtu.be&t=12m33s "What's So Great About God?: Atheism vs Religion"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[Christopher Hitchens]] debate at Macky Auditorium, CU Boulder (26 January 2009) * [[w:Dan Barker|Dan]] has raised so many points... '''I feel a bit like the mosquito at the nudist colony—I'm just not sure where to begin!''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fzde_QN4fE&feature=youtu.be&t=19m40s "Does God Exist?"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[w:Dan Barker|Dan Barker]] debate at Prestonwood Christian Academy, Plano, TX (November 19, 2009) --> === Documentary films === ==== ''[[w:2016: Obama's America|2016: Obama's America]]'' (2012) ==== {{main|2016: Obama's America}} * The first time, we did not know what change would look like. Now we do. The first time, we did not know Barack Obama. Now we do. Which dream will we carry into 2016? The American dream or Obama's dream? The future is not in my hands. It's not even in Obama's hands. The future is in ''your'' hands. ==== ''[[w:America: Imagine the World Without Her|America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014) ==== {{main|America: Imagine the World Without Her}} [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Slavery existed all over the world... What's uniquely American is the fighting of a great war to end it.]] * Imagine the unimaginable... What would the world look like if America did not exist? * Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America. * Slavery existed all over the world. The Egyptians had slaves. The Chinese had slaves. The Africans did. American Indians had slaves long before Columbus. And tragically, slavery continues today in many countries. What's uniquely Western is the [[Abolitionism|abolition]] of slavery. And what's uniquely American is the fighting of a [[American Civil War|great war]] to end it. * [[Capitalism]] works not through coercion or conquest, but through the consent of the consumer. ====''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party'' (2016)==== :<small>[https://youtube.com/r7e6gLht6OQ ''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party''] (2016)</small> *The Obama administration tried to shut me up. ====''The Big Lie: Exposing the Nazi Roots of the American Left'' (2017)==== Washington DC, Regnery Publishing, 2017 *By limiting state power, conservatives seek among other things to protect the right of the people to keep the fruit of their own labor. [[Abraham Lincoln]], America’s first Republican president, placed himself squarely in the founding tradition when he said, ‘I always thought the man who made the corn should eat the corn.’ Lincoln, like the founders, was not concerned that private property or private earnings might cause economic inequality. Rather, he believed, as three of the founders themselves wrote in the [[The Federalist Papers|''Federalist Papers'']] No. 10, that ‘the protection of different and unequal faculties of acquiring property’ is the ‘first object of government.’ ** p. 33 *[[Giovanni Gentile | Gentile]] was, in fact, a lifelong socialist. Like Marx, he viewed socialism as the sine qua non of social justice, the ultimate formula for everyone paying their ‘fair share.’ For Gentile, fascism is nothing more than a modified form of socialism, a socialism arising not merely from material deprivation but also from an aroused national consciousness, a socialism that unites rather than divides communities. ** p. 53 *Gentile also perceived fascism emerging out of revolutionary struggle, what the media today terms ‘protest’ or ‘activism.’ Unlike [[Karl Marx |Marx]], he conceived the struggle not between the working class and the capitalists, but between the selfish individual trying to live for himself and the fully actualized individual who willingly puts himself at the behest of society and the state. Gentile seems to be the unacknowledged ancestor of the street activism of [[Antifa (United States) | Antifa]] and other leftist groups. ‘One of the major virtues of fascism,’ he writes, ‘is that it obliged those who watched from their windows to come down into the street.’ ** p. 53 *One might naively expect the Left, then, to embrace and celebrate Gentile. This, of course, will never happen. The Left has the desperate need to conceal fascism’s association with contemporary leftism. Even when the Left uses Gentilean rhetoric, it’s source can never be publicly acknowledged. And since the Left dominates academia and popular culture, it has the clout to perform this vanishing trick. That’s why the progressives intend to keep Gentile where they’ve got him: dead, buried, and forgotten. ** p. 55 *If you read the [[w:National Socialist Program |Nazi platform]] without knowing its source, you could easily be forgiven for thinking you were reading the 2016 platform of the Democratic Party. Or at least a Democratic platform drafted jointly by [[Bernie Sanders]] and [[Elizabeth Warren]]. Sure, some of the language is out of date. The Democrats can’t talk about ‘usury’ these days; they’d have to substitute ‘Wall Street greed.’ But otherwise, it’s all there. All you have to do is cross out the word ‘Nazi’ and write in the word ‘Democrat.’ **pp. 60-61 *The fascists adopted an economic policy that is closely parallel to, and in many respects identical with, today’s progressivism. Mussolini called this policy ‘corporatism,’ but a more descriptive term would be state-run capitalism. Mussolini envisioned a powerful centralized state directing the institutions of the private sector, forcing their private welfare into line with the national welfare… Although today’s American Left dares not invoke Mussolini’s name, the honest among them will have to admit that it was he and his fellow fascists who were their pioneers and paved their way. ** p. 86 *As he thought about these problems, Hitler’s attention was turned to America. Hitler didn’t know a lot about America. He had never been to America. And he despised America. ‘My feeling against Americanism,’ he later said in 1942, ‘are feeling of hatred and deep repugnance.’ Why? He claimed, ’Everything about the behavior of American society reveals that it’s half Judaized and the other half negrified.’ Moreover, America is ‘a country where everything is built on the dollar.’ For Hitler, America represented the worst case of unrestricted Jewish [[Capitalism| capitalism]] **p. 88 *FDR [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] cozied up to and made deals with the worst racists in America… FDR appointed Hugo Black, a former Ku Klux Klansman, to the Supreme Court. Black was completely unqualified—his only judicial experience had been eighteen months as a municipal court judge—but he had a reputation as an enthusiastic New Dealer who had publicly endorsed FDR’s court-packing plan. Black was also an active Klan member who had spoken at and led Klan rallies and marches throughout his native Alabama. **pp. 189-190 *FDR also supported racist Democrats in Congress in their efforts to thwart anti-lynching laws. This was a key condition the racists put before FDR. They said they would not support FDR’s [[New Deal]] programs unless FDR supported their effort to block Republican anti-lynching bills. So FDR convinced even northern Democrats and progressives to back their southern counterparts in keeping these bills from coming to the floor for a vote. This is one of the most disgraceful legacies of the FDR presidency and it goes virtually unmentioned in progressive FDR biographies. **p. 190 == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.dineshdsouza.com/ Official website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dsouza, Dinesh}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Christian apologists]] [[Category:Film directors from India]] [[Category:People from Mumbai]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from India]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Christians from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from India]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] kdrdjiu2gv6tls9pqq25dy3i6tf7zz2 3944339 3944338 2026-05-23T01:43:13Z DanielTom 608538 /* 2010 */ 3944339 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dinesh D'Souza.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].]] '''[[w:Dinesh D'Souza|Dinesh Joseph D'Souza]]''' (born [[April 25]], [[1961]]) is an [[India]]n-born [[United States|American]] political commentator, filmmaker, and author. : See also: ::'''''[[2016: Obama's America]]''''' (2012) ::'''''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]''''' (2014) == Quotes == [[File:Statue_of_Liberty_7.jpg|thumb|In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life.]] [[File:Above_Gotham.jpg|thumb|Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it.]] [[File:Michelangelo, Creation of Adam 06.jpg|thumb|The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge.]] [[File:Choeungek2.JPG|thumb|[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.]] ===1996=== * Consistent with [[Martin Luther King]]'s vision, the government should stop color-coding its citizens. ** {{citation |date=1996-12-02 |title=As I See It |periodical=Forbes |volume=158 |number=13 |page=48 |issn=0015-6914 }} ===2002=== * Colonial possessions added to the prestige, and to a much lesser degree to the wealth, of Europe. But the primary cause of Western affluence and power is internal—the institutions of [[science]], [[democracy]], and [[capitalism]] acting in concert. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-07 |title=Two cheers for colonialism |periodical=SFGate |url=http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Two-cheers-for-colonialism-2799327.php }} * America is the most magnanimous of all imperial powers that have ever existed. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-30 |title=What's So Great about America |periodical=Hoover Digest |url=http://www.hoover.org/research/whats-so-great-about-america }} * One way to be effective as a conservative is to figure out what annoys and disturbs liberals the most, and then keep doing it. ** {{citation |date=2002-10-01 |chapter=How to Harpoon a Liberal |title=Letters to a Young Conservative |publisher=Basic Books |page=135 |isbn=0465017339 |lccn=202008679 |ol=7593294M}} ===2003=== * '''[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].''' ** ''The Washington Post'', {{#formatdate:2003-07-04}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2003-07-08 |author=Cal Thomas |title=Theological dictators |periodical=Townhall.com |accessdate=2019-09-06 |url=https://townhall.com/columnists/calthomas/2003/07/08/theological-dictators-n752580 }} ===2006=== * '''[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.''' ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} * The crimes of atheism have generally been perpetrated through a hubristic [[ideology]] that sees man, not God, as the creator of values. Using the latest techniques of [[science]] and [[technology]], man seeks to displace God and create a secular [[utopia]] here on earth. ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} ===2007=== * I've been studying radical Islamic thought—specifically, the thinkers who have influenced contemporary radical Muslims. When you read their work, you find that there are no denunciations of modernity, no condemnations of science, no condemnations of freedom. In fact, their whole argument seems to be that the United States—through our support of secular dictators in the region—is denying Muslims freedom and control over their own destiny. ** {{citation |date=2007-01-31 |author=Brian Saint-Paul |title=Knowing the Enemy - Dinesh D'Souza on Islam and the West |periodical=CatholiCity |url=https://www.catholicity.com/commentary/saint-paul/00041.html }} * If the televangelists are guilty of producing some simple-minded, self-righteous Christians, then the atheist authors are guilty of producing self-congratulatory buffoons like [[Pat Condell|Condell]]. ** {{citation |date=2007-09-26 |title=Why Is This Atheist So Smug? |periodical=AOL News |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20081013050223/http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2007/09/26/why-is-this-atheist-so-smug/62 |archivedate=2008-10-13 }} ===2008=== * The ideas that define Western civilization, [[Nietzsche]] said, are based on Christianity. Because some of these ideas seem to have taken on a life of their own, we might have the illusion that we can abandon Christianity while retaining them. This illusion, Nietzsche warns us, is just that. Remove Christianity and the ideas fall too. ** Speech [http://theroadtoemmaus.org/RdLb/21PbAr/Hst/XtyShapesWest-DSouza.html "Created Equal: How Christianity Shaped The West"] (16 September 2008). ===2010=== [[File:Barack Obama Sr. 1962.jpg|thumb|Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost.]] * Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost. ** {{citation |date=2010-09-09 |title=How Obama Thinks |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2010/0927/politics-socialism-capitalism-private-enterprises-obama-business-problem.html }}; of [[Barack Obama]] and [[w:Barack Obama Sr.|Barack Obama Sr.]] ===2014=== * The American Indians sold Manhattan to the Dutch for $700 in today's money. My point is, that's what Manhattan was worth then. It was useless, it was just a piece of land, like any other piece of land which you can buy today for $700 in many places in the world. Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it. ** {{citation |date=2014-06-18 |author=Jamie Weinstein |title=Dinesh D'Souza Takes On The Case For Reparations: 'The Innovation Of America Is The Result Of Capitalism' |periodical=The Daily Caller |url=http://dailycaller.com/2014/06/18/dinesh-dsouza-takes-on-the-case-for-reparations-the-innovation-of-america-is-the-result-of-capitalism/ }} * The American idea of wealth creation is being embraced in India, in China, all over the world. It's lifting hundreds of millions of people out of poverty. So ironically this American formula that we are moving away from at home under Obama is being enthusiastically embraced all around the world. ** Debate with {{w|Bill Ayers}} on {{citation |date=2014-07-02 |title=The Kelly File |publisher=Fox News |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfVUktKzPSA }} * Scaring the children: for Halloween last night, I dressed as a Democrat and when kids came to my door, I took half of their candy! ** [https://www.facebook.com/DSouzaDinesh/photos/a.279556495404346.96395.216709768355686/985875871439068/ ''Facebook'' post], {{#formatdate:2014-11-01}} ===2017=== * [[George Soros|georgesoros]], now a principle financial backer of violent #Antifa thugs, admits his collaboration with Hitler and says he has no regrets: ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20181031151948/https:/twitter.com/DineshDSouza/status/903777010115198977 ''Twitter''], {{#formatdate:2017-09-27}}, archived {{#formatdate:2018-10-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-02-04 |title=Was George Soros an SS Officer or Nazi Collaborator During World War II? |author=David Emery |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/george-soros-ss-nazi-germany/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}} ===2022=== *If you follow Jan. 6 at the granular level with the facts that are coming out slowly, they are coming out because the government has been very reluctant to release footage, particularly footage of what happened in the tunnel on Jan. 6, where you now begin to see these cops using massive amounts of force against unarmed Trump supporters, including women.<br>The death of [[Rosanne Boyland]] is now being called into question.<br>Was she the second Trump supporter that was killed by the authorities? **4 January 2022 interview with [[Laura Ingraham]] reported in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/jan/10/dinesh-dsouza/dsouza-falsely-claims-jan-6-video-shows-police-usi/ 10 January 2022 article by Politifact] ===Articles=== ====''10 Things to Celebrate: Why I'm an Anti-Anti-American'' (June 2003)==== :<small>Full text of [https://web.archive.org/web/20120903233650/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php?#photo-2709803 "10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American"] (29 June 2003) at ''SFGate''.</small> * Anti-Americanism from abroad would not be such a problem if Americans were united in standing up for their own country. But in this country itself, there are those who blame America for most of the evils in the world. On the political left, many fault the United States for a history of slavery, and for continuing inequality and racism. Even on the right, traditionally the home of patriotism, we hear influential figures say that America has become so decadent... If these critics are right, then America should be destroyed. And who can dispute some of their particulars? This country did have a history of slavery and racism continues to exist. There is much in our culture that is vulgar and decadent. But the critics are wrong about America, because they are missing the big picture. In their indignation over the sins of America, they ignore what is unique and good about American civilization. *In the American view, there is nothing vile or degraded about serving your customers either as a CEO or as a waiter. The ordinary life of production and supporting a family is more highly valued in the United States than in any other country. America is the only country in the world where we call the waiter 'sir', as if he were a knight. America has achieved greater social equality than any other society. True, there are large inequalities of income and wealth in America. In purely economic terms, Europe is more egalitarian. But Americans are socially more equal than any other people, and this is unaffected by economic disparities. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this egalitarianism a century and a half ago and it is, if anything, more prevalent today. For all his riches, Bill Gates could not approach the typical American and say, 'Here's a $100 bill. I'll give it to you if you kiss my feet'. Most likely, the person would tell Gates to go to hell! The American view is that the rich guy may have more money, but he isn't in any fundamental sense better than anyone else. * Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which Serbs and Croatians, Sikhs and Hindus, Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world? *America, the freest nation on Earth, is also the most virtuous nation on Earth. This point seems counter-intuitive, given the amount of conspicuous vulgarity, vice and immorality in America. Some Islamic fundamentalists argue that their regimes are morally superior to the United States because they seek to foster virtue among the citizens. Virtue, these fundamentalists argue, is a higher principle than liberty. Indeed it is. And let us admit that in a free society, freedom will frequently be used badly. Freedom, by definition, includes the freedom to do good or evil, to act nobly or basely. But if freedom brings out the worst in people, it also brings out the best. The millions of Americans who live decent, praiseworthy lives deserve our highest admiration because they have opted for the good when the good is not the only available option. Even amid the temptations of a rich and free society, they have remained on the straight path. Their virtue has special luster because it is freely chosen. By contrast, the societies that many Islamic fundamentalists seek would eliminate the possibility of virtue. If the supply of virtue is insufficient in a free society like America, it is almost nonexistent in an unfree society like Iran's. The reason is that coerced virtues are not virtues at all. Consider the woman who is required to wear a veil. There is no modesty in this, because she is being compelled. Compulsion cannot produce virtue, it can only produce the outward semblance of virtue. Thus a free society like America's is not merely more prosperous, more varied, more peaceful, and more tolerant; it is also morally superior to the theocratic and authoritarian regimes that America's enemies advocate. *We should love our country not just because it is ours, but also because it is good. America is far from perfect, and there is lots of room for improvement. In spite of its flaws, however, American life as it is lived today is the best life that our world has to offer. Ultimately America is worthy of our love and sacrifice because, more than any other society, it makes possible the good life, and the life that is good. *If I had remained in India, I would probably have lived my whole life within a five-mile radius of where I was born. I would undoubtedly have married a woman of my identical religious and socioeconomic background. I would almost certainly have become a medical doctor, or an engineer, or a computer programmer. I would have socialized entirely within my ethnic community. I would have a whole set of opinions that could be predicted in advance; indeed, they would not be very different from what my father believed, or his father before him. In sum, my destiny would to a large degree have been given to me... The typical American could come to India, live for 40 years, and take Indian citizenship. But he could not 'become Indian'. He wouldn't see himself that way, nor would most Indians see him that way. In America, by contrast, hundreds of millions have come from far-flung shores and over time they, or at least their children, have in a profound and full sense 'become American'. === Books === ==== ''The End of Racism'' (1995) ==== * ''If racism is not the main problem for blacks, what is?'' Liberal antiracism. ** Ch. 1<!--: The White Man's Burden--> * Racism originated not in ignorance and fear but as part of an enlightened enterprise of intellectual discovery. ** Ch. 1 * The main contemporary obstacle facing African Americans is neither white racism, as many liberals claim, nor black genetic deficiency, as [[Charles Murray]] and others imply. Rather it involves destructive and pathological cultural patterns of behavior: excessive reliance on government, conspiratorial paranoia about racism, a resistance to academic achievement as "acting white," a celebration of the criminal and outlaw as authentically black, and the normalization of illegitimacy and dependency. ** Ch. 1 * The American slave was treated like property, which is to say, pretty well. ** Ch. 3<!--: An American Dilemma * The worst decay in the two-parent black family unit seems to have occurred not during slavery or as a result of slavery, but much later and for different reasons. Nor is there any evidence that as a consequence of slavery, blacks condoned illegitimacy as acceptable within the community. For the decline and fragility of the contemporary black family, the institution of slavery bears only a minor responsibility. ** Ch. 3: An American Dilemma --> * Strictly speaking, relativism does not permit social progress, because the new culture is by definition no better than the one it replaced. ** Ch. 6<!--:The Race Merchants--> * It is understandable but implausible...to insist upon prominent media accounts about law-abiding citizens and quotidian virtue; this is a bit like the airline industry complaining that the press does not write stories about airplanes that land safely. ** Ch. 7<!--: Is America a Racist Society?--> * Black rage is largely a response not to white racism but to black failure. ** Ch. 8<!--: Institutional Racism and Double Standards--> * If biological differences do exist, they cannot be wished away. However unpopular the investigation, we have to take the possibility of natural differences seriously. What is at stake is nothing less than the foundation of contemporary liberalism. ** Ch. 11<!--: The Content of Our Chromosomes--> ==== ''What's So Great About America'' (2003) ==== [[File:Motherhood and apple pie.jpg|thumb|I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat."]] * Americans are the friendliest people you will encounter, but they have few friends. ** Ch. 1: Why They Hate Us * What the immigrant cannot help noticing is that America is a country where the poor live comparatively well. This fact was dramatized in the 1980s, when CBS television broadcast an anti-Reagan documentary, "People Like Us", which was intended to show the miseries of the poor during an American recession. The Soviet Union also broadcast the documentary, with a view to embarrassing the Reagan administration. But by the testimony of former Soviet leaders, it had the opposite effect. Ordinary people across the Soviet Union saw that the poorest Americans have television sets and microwave ovens and cars. They arrived at the same perception of America that I witnessed in a friend of mine from Bombay who has been unsuccessfully trying to move to the United States for nearly a decade. Finally I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat." ** Ch. 3: Becoming American * In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life. Your life is like a blank sheet of paper, and you are the artist. * As an immigrant, I am constantly surprised by how much I hear racism talked about and how little I actually see it. (Even fewer are the incidents in which I have experienced it directly.) ** Ch. 4: The Reparations Fallacy * America is a new kind of society that produces a new kind of human being. That human being—confident, self-reliant, tolerant, generous, future oriented—is a vast improvement over the wretched, servile, fatalistic, and intolerant human being that traditional societies have always produced, and that Islamic societies produce now. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful * America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful ==== ''The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left And its Responsibility for 9 / 11'' (2007) ==== * The cultural left, and its allies in Congress, the media, Hollywood, the nonprofit sector, and the universities are the primary cause of the volcano of anger toward America that is erupting from the Islamic world. ** Introduction, pp. 1–2 * The [George W.] Bush administration and the conservatives must stop promoting American popular culture because it is producing a blowback of Muslim rage. With a few exceptions, the right should not bother to defend American movies, music, and television. From the point of view of traditional values, they are indefensible. Moreover, why should the right stand up for the left's debased values? Why should our people defend their America? Rather, American conservatives should join the Muslims and others in condemning the global moral degeneracy that is produced by liberal values. ** Introduction, p. 26 ==== ''What's So Great about Christianity'' (2007) ==== * They [atheists] want to control school curricula so they can promote a secular ideology and undermine Christianity. ** Preface * Today courts wrongly interpret separation of church and state to mean that religion has no place in the public arena, or that morality derived from religion should not be permitted to shape our laws. Somehow freedom for religious expression has become freedom from religious expression. Secularists want to empty the public square of religion and religious-based morality so they can monopolize the shared space of society with their own views. ** Ch. 3 * My conclusion is that contrary to popular belief, [[atheism]] is not primarily an intellectual revolt, it is a moral revolt. Atheists don't find God invisible so much as objectionable. They aren't adjusting their desires to the truth, but rather the truth to fit their desires. [...] This is the perennial appeal of atheism: it gets rid of the stern fellow with the long beard and liberates us for the pleasures of sin and depravity. The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge. ** Ch. 23 * Do you believe in the existence of [[Socrates]]? [[Alexander the Great]]? [[Julius Caesar]]? If historicity is established by written records in multiple copies that date originally from near contemporaneous sources, there is far more proof for [[Jesus|Christ]]'s existence than for any of theirs. ** Ch. 26 ==== ''The Roots of Obama's Rage'' (2010) ==== <!-- * It is the anti-colonial ideology of his [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|African father]] that [[Barack Obama]] took to heart. ** Ch. 2: The Black Man's Burden --> * We are today living out the script for America and the world that was dreamt up not by [[Barack Obama|Obama]] but by [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Obama's father]]. How do I know this? Because Obama says so himself. Reflect for a moment on the title of his book: it's not ''Dreams of My Father'' but rather ''Dreams from My Father''. In other words, Obama is not writing a book about his father's dreams; he is writing a book about the dreams that he got from his father.{{pbr}}Think about what this means. The most powerful country in the world is being governed according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s—a polygamist who abandoned his wives, drank himself into stupors, and bounced around on two iron legs (after his real legs had to be amputated because of a car crash caused by his drunk driving). This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anti-colonial ambitions, is now setting the nation’s agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son is the one who is making it happen, but the son is, as he candidly admits, only living out his father’s dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is being governed by a ghost. ** Ch. 10: The Last Anti-Colonial ==== ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014) ==== [[File:Portrait of a Man, Said to be Christopher Columbus 2.jpg|thumb|Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America.]] * How, for example, did Obama get elected as a complete unknown? ... There is a one word answer: slavery. America's national guilt over slavery continues to benefit Obama, who ironically is not himself descended from slaves. ** Ch. 1<!--: Suicide of a Nation--> * Did America owe something to the slaves whose labor had been stolen? ... That debt...is best discharged through memory, because the slaves are dead and their descendants...are better off as a consequence of their ancestors being hauled from Africa to America. ** Ch. 8<!--: Their Fourth of July--> * Better off? The point is illustrated by the great African American boxer [[Muhammad Ali]]. In the early 1970s Muhammad Ali fought for the heavyweight title against George Foreman. The fight was held in the African nation of Zaire; it was insensitively called the "rumble in the jungle." Ali won the fight, and upon returning to the United States, he was asked by a reporter, "Champ, what did you think of Africa?" Ali replied, "Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat!" There is a characteristic mischievous pungency to Ali's remark, yet it also expresses a widely held sentiment. Ali recognizes that for all the horror of slavery, it was the transmission belt that brought Africans into the orbit of Western freedom. The slaves were not better off—the boat Ali refers to brought the slaves through a horrific Middle Passage to a life of painful servitude—yet their descendants today, even if they won't admit it, are better off. Ali was honest enough to admit it. ** Ch. 8. Most likely a misattribution. A ''Newsweek'' article at the time of the match attributed the quote "Thank God our grandpappies caught that boat!" to [[George Foreman]]'s manager Dick Sadler. "It Takes a Heap of Salongo", ''Newsweek'' (September 23, 1974), p. 72. * While posing as the pursuer of thieves, and the restorer of stolen goods, the government is actually the biggest thief of all. In fact, progressives have turned a large body of Americans—basically, Democratic voters—into accessories of theft by convincing them that they are doing something just and moral by picking their fellow citizens' pockets. ** Ch. 14<!--: The Biggest Thief of All--> * Progressives have convinced people that they are fighting theft. If a greedy capitalist has looted your possessions, you would want the government to do something about it. An essential function of government is to bring thieves to justice and to restore stolen possessions to their rightful owners. If the progressive critique is valid, then it doesn't matter if government does it inefficiently, since there is no one else to do the job: inefficient justice is better than no justice. Moreover, when we ask the police to go after bad guys and repossess their stolen goods, we aren't concerned with whether we foster virtue among the "giver" and gratitude in the "receiver." That's because the giver isn't really giving; he's merely giving back, and the receiver has no cause for gratitude since he (or she) is merely being made whole. In this scenario, Americans who are sitting in the bandwagon have earned that right, and the people pulling are the thieves who deserve to be penalized and castigated. This is why I've devoted the bulk of this book to refuting the theft critique. If I've succeeded, then the whole progressive argument collapses and our federal government, far from being an instrument of justice, now becomes an instrument of plunder. ** Ch. 14 * Here's the formula for Obama's success: "They work, and you eat." ** Ch. 14 * The Chinese, the Indians, the Brazilians, and the Russians are all getting richer and stronger due to wealth creation. Yet the leaders of these countries, while they appreciate wealth creation as one way to gain power, have never given up on the conquest ethic as another way to gain power. In fact, they see wealth creation as away to increase their military power; then that power can be deployed to acquire more wealth through conquest. [Americans] no longer have the conquest ethic. But the Chinese do; they have never given it up. This is why the world still needs America. We remain the custodians of the idea that wealth should be obtained through invention and trade, not through forced seizure. ** Ch. 16<!--: Decline Is a Choice--> * If we think of the ''Titanic'' as symbolizing the American era, Obama wants that ship to go down. Obama is the architect of American decline, and progressivism is the ideology of American suicide. ** Ch. 16 * This is our turn at the wheel, and history will judge us based on how we handle it. Decline is a choice, but so is liberty. ** Ch. 16 <!-- === Debates === [[File:Dinesh DSouza speaking at CPAC 2012, UNEDITED. (6859827729).jpg|thumb|My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants.]] * My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJvoFbA0qcs&feature=youtu.be&t=12m33s "What's So Great About God?: Atheism vs Religion"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[Christopher Hitchens]] debate at Macky Auditorium, CU Boulder (26 January 2009) * [[w:Dan Barker|Dan]] has raised so many points... '''I feel a bit like the mosquito at the nudist colony—I'm just not sure where to begin!''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fzde_QN4fE&feature=youtu.be&t=19m40s "Does God Exist?"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[w:Dan Barker|Dan Barker]] debate at Prestonwood Christian Academy, Plano, TX (November 19, 2009) --> === Documentary films === ==== ''[[w:2016: Obama's America|2016: Obama's America]]'' (2012) ==== {{main|2016: Obama's America}} * The first time, we did not know what change would look like. Now we do. The first time, we did not know Barack Obama. Now we do. Which dream will we carry into 2016? The American dream or Obama's dream? The future is not in my hands. It's not even in Obama's hands. The future is in ''your'' hands. ==== ''[[w:America: Imagine the World Without Her|America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014) ==== {{main|America: Imagine the World Without Her}} [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Slavery existed all over the world... What's uniquely American is the fighting of a great war to end it.]] * Imagine the unimaginable... What would the world look like if America did not exist? * Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America. * Slavery existed all over the world. The Egyptians had slaves. The Chinese had slaves. The Africans did. American Indians had slaves long before Columbus. And tragically, slavery continues today in many countries. What's uniquely Western is the [[Abolitionism|abolition]] of slavery. And what's uniquely American is the fighting of a [[American Civil War|great war]] to end it. * [[Capitalism]] works not through coercion or conquest, but through the consent of the consumer. ====''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party'' (2016)==== :<small>[https://youtube.com/r7e6gLht6OQ ''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party''] (2016)</small> *The Obama administration tried to shut me up. ====''The Big Lie: Exposing the Nazi Roots of the American Left'' (2017)==== Washington DC, Regnery Publishing, 2017 *By limiting state power, conservatives seek among other things to protect the right of the people to keep the fruit of their own labor. [[Abraham Lincoln]], America’s first Republican president, placed himself squarely in the founding tradition when he said, ‘I always thought the man who made the corn should eat the corn.’ Lincoln, like the founders, was not concerned that private property or private earnings might cause economic inequality. Rather, he believed, as three of the founders themselves wrote in the [[The Federalist Papers|''Federalist Papers'']] No. 10, that ‘the protection of different and unequal faculties of acquiring property’ is the ‘first object of government.’ ** p. 33 *[[Giovanni Gentile | Gentile]] was, in fact, a lifelong socialist. Like Marx, he viewed socialism as the sine qua non of social justice, the ultimate formula for everyone paying their ‘fair share.’ For Gentile, fascism is nothing more than a modified form of socialism, a socialism arising not merely from material deprivation but also from an aroused national consciousness, a socialism that unites rather than divides communities. ** p. 53 *Gentile also perceived fascism emerging out of revolutionary struggle, what the media today terms ‘protest’ or ‘activism.’ Unlike [[Karl Marx |Marx]], he conceived the struggle not between the working class and the capitalists, but between the selfish individual trying to live for himself and the fully actualized individual who willingly puts himself at the behest of society and the state. Gentile seems to be the unacknowledged ancestor of the street activism of [[Antifa (United States) | Antifa]] and other leftist groups. ‘One of the major virtues of fascism,’ he writes, ‘is that it obliged those who watched from their windows to come down into the street.’ ** p. 53 *One might naively expect the Left, then, to embrace and celebrate Gentile. This, of course, will never happen. The Left has the desperate need to conceal fascism’s association with contemporary leftism. Even when the Left uses Gentilean rhetoric, it’s source can never be publicly acknowledged. And since the Left dominates academia and popular culture, it has the clout to perform this vanishing trick. That’s why the progressives intend to keep Gentile where they’ve got him: dead, buried, and forgotten. ** p. 55 *If you read the [[w:National Socialist Program |Nazi platform]] without knowing its source, you could easily be forgiven for thinking you were reading the 2016 platform of the Democratic Party. Or at least a Democratic platform drafted jointly by [[Bernie Sanders]] and [[Elizabeth Warren]]. Sure, some of the language is out of date. The Democrats can’t talk about ‘usury’ these days; they’d have to substitute ‘Wall Street greed.’ But otherwise, it’s all there. All you have to do is cross out the word ‘Nazi’ and write in the word ‘Democrat.’ **pp. 60-61 *The fascists adopted an economic policy that is closely parallel to, and in many respects identical with, today’s progressivism. Mussolini called this policy ‘corporatism,’ but a more descriptive term would be state-run capitalism. Mussolini envisioned a powerful centralized state directing the institutions of the private sector, forcing their private welfare into line with the national welfare… Although today’s American Left dares not invoke Mussolini’s name, the honest among them will have to admit that it was he and his fellow fascists who were their pioneers and paved their way. ** p. 86 *As he thought about these problems, Hitler’s attention was turned to America. Hitler didn’t know a lot about America. He had never been to America. And he despised America. ‘My feeling against Americanism,’ he later said in 1942, ‘are feeling of hatred and deep repugnance.’ Why? He claimed, ’Everything about the behavior of American society reveals that it’s half Judaized and the other half negrified.’ Moreover, America is ‘a country where everything is built on the dollar.’ For Hitler, America represented the worst case of unrestricted Jewish [[Capitalism| capitalism]] **p. 88 *FDR [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] cozied up to and made deals with the worst racists in America… FDR appointed Hugo Black, a former Ku Klux Klansman, to the Supreme Court. Black was completely unqualified—his only judicial experience had been eighteen months as a municipal court judge—but he had a reputation as an enthusiastic New Dealer who had publicly endorsed FDR’s court-packing plan. Black was also an active Klan member who had spoken at and led Klan rallies and marches throughout his native Alabama. **pp. 189-190 *FDR also supported racist Democrats in Congress in their efforts to thwart anti-lynching laws. This was a key condition the racists put before FDR. They said they would not support FDR’s [[New Deal]] programs unless FDR supported their effort to block Republican anti-lynching bills. So FDR convinced even northern Democrats and progressives to back their southern counterparts in keeping these bills from coming to the floor for a vote. This is one of the most disgraceful legacies of the FDR presidency and it goes virtually unmentioned in progressive FDR biographies. **p. 190 == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.dineshdsouza.com/ Official website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dsouza, Dinesh}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Christian apologists]] [[Category:Film directors from India]] [[Category:People from Mumbai]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from India]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Christians from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from India]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] lwz9381qhxsgjr323yc04vwxdgjdrgb 3944345 3944339 2026-05-23T01:48:33Z DanielTom 608538 order 3944345 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dinesh D'Souza.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].]] '''[[w:Dinesh D'Souza|Dinesh Joseph D'Souza]]''' (born [[April 25]], [[1961]]) is an [[India]]n-born [[United States|American]] political commentator, filmmaker, and author. : See also: ::'''''[[2016: Obama's America]]''''' (2012) ::'''''[[America: Imagine the World Without Her]]''''' (2014) == Quotes == [[File:Statue_of_Liberty_7.jpg|thumb|In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life.]] ===1996=== * Consistent with [[Martin Luther King]]'s vision, the government should stop color-coding its citizens. ** {{citation |date=1996-12-02 |title=As I See It |periodical=Forbes |volume=158 |number=13 |page=48 |issn=0015-6914 }} ===2002=== * Colonial possessions added to the prestige, and to a much lesser degree to the wealth, of Europe. But the primary cause of Western affluence and power is internal—the institutions of [[science]], [[democracy]], and [[capitalism]] acting in concert. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-07 |title=Two cheers for colonialism |periodical=SFGate |url=http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Two-cheers-for-colonialism-2799327.php }} * America is the most magnanimous of all imperial powers that have ever existed. ** {{citation |date=2002-07-30 |title=What's So Great about America |periodical=Hoover Digest |url=http://www.hoover.org/research/whats-so-great-about-america }} * One way to be effective as a conservative is to figure out what annoys and disturbs liberals the most, and then keep doing it. ** {{citation |date=2002-10-01 |chapter=How to Harpoon a Liberal |title=Letters to a Young Conservative |publisher=Basic Books |page=135 |isbn=0465017339 |lccn=202008679 |ol=7593294M}} ===2003=== * '''[[Virtue]] has great [[power]], but not if it is imposed—only when it is [[chosen]].''' ** ''The Washington Post'', {{#formatdate:2003-07-04}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2003-07-08 |author=Cal Thomas |title=Theological dictators |periodical=Townhall.com |accessdate=2019-09-06 |url=https://townhall.com/columnists/calthomas/2003/07/08/theological-dictators-n752580 }} ===2006=== [[File:Choeungek2.JPG|thumb|[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.]] * '''[[Atheism]], not [[religion]], is the real force behind the mass murders of history.''' ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} * The crimes of atheism have generally been perpetrated through a hubristic [[ideology]] that sees man, not God, as the creator of values. Using the latest techniques of [[science]] and [[technology]], man seeks to displace God and create a secular [[utopia]] here on earth. ** {{citation |date=2006-11-21 |title=Atheism, not religion, is the real force behind the mass murders of history |periodical=The Christian Science Monitor |url=http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/1121/p09s01-coop.html }} ===2007=== * I've been studying radical Islamic thought—specifically, the thinkers who have influenced contemporary radical Muslims. When you read their work, you find that there are no denunciations of modernity, no condemnations of science, no condemnations of freedom. In fact, their whole argument seems to be that the United States—through our support of secular dictators in the region—is denying Muslims freedom and control over their own destiny. ** {{citation |date=2007-01-31 |author=Brian Saint-Paul |title=Knowing the Enemy - Dinesh D'Souza on Islam and the West |periodical=CatholiCity |url=https://www.catholicity.com/commentary/saint-paul/00041.html }} * If the televangelists are guilty of producing some simple-minded, self-righteous Christians, then the atheist authors are guilty of producing self-congratulatory buffoons like [[Pat Condell|Condell]]. ** {{citation |date=2007-09-26 |title=Why Is This Atheist So Smug? |periodical=AOL News |archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20081013050223/http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2007/09/26/why-is-this-atheist-so-smug/62 |archivedate=2008-10-13 }} ===2008=== * The ideas that define Western civilization, [[Nietzsche]] said, are based on Christianity. Because some of these ideas seem to have taken on a life of their own, we might have the illusion that we can abandon Christianity while retaining them. This illusion, Nietzsche warns us, is just that. Remove Christianity and the ideas fall too. ** Speech [http://theroadtoemmaus.org/RdLb/21PbAr/Hst/XtyShapesWest-DSouza.html "Created Equal: How Christianity Shaped The West"] (16 September 2008). ===2010=== [[File:Barack Obama Sr. 1962.jpg|thumb|Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost.]] * Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost. ** {{citation |date=2010-09-09 |title=How Obama Thinks |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2010/0927/politics-socialism-capitalism-private-enterprises-obama-business-problem.html }}; of [[Barack Obama]] and [[w:Barack Obama Sr.|Barack Obama Sr.]] ===2014=== [[File:Above_Gotham.jpg|thumb|Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it.]] * The American Indians sold Manhattan to the Dutch for $700 in today's money. My point is, that's what Manhattan was worth then. It was useless, it was just a piece of land, like any other piece of land which you can buy today for $700 in many places in the world. Manhattan today is the result of the people who built it, not the original inhabitants who occupied or sold it. ** {{citation |date=2014-06-18 |author=Jamie Weinstein |title=Dinesh D'Souza Takes On The Case For Reparations: 'The Innovation Of America Is The Result Of Capitalism' |periodical=The Daily Caller |url=http://dailycaller.com/2014/06/18/dinesh-dsouza-takes-on-the-case-for-reparations-the-innovation-of-america-is-the-result-of-capitalism/ }} * The American idea of wealth creation is being embraced in India, in China, all over the world. It's lifting hundreds of millions of people out of poverty. So ironically this American formula that we are moving away from at home under Obama is being enthusiastically embraced all around the world. ** Debate with {{w|Bill Ayers}} on {{citation |date=2014-07-02 |title=The Kelly File |publisher=Fox News |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfVUktKzPSA }} * Scaring the children: for Halloween last night, I dressed as a Democrat and when kids came to my door, I took half of their candy! ** [https://www.facebook.com/DSouzaDinesh/photos/a.279556495404346.96395.216709768355686/985875871439068/ ''Facebook'' post], {{#formatdate:2014-11-01}} ===2017=== * [[George Soros|georgesoros]], now a principle financial backer of violent #Antifa thugs, admits his collaboration with Hitler and says he has no regrets: ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20181031151948/https:/twitter.com/DineshDSouza/status/903777010115198977 ''Twitter''], {{#formatdate:2017-09-27}}, archived {{#formatdate:2018-10-31}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2018-02-04 |title=Was George Soros an SS Officer or Nazi Collaborator During World War II? |author=David Emery |periodical=Snopes.com |url=https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/george-soros-ss-nazi-germany/ |accessdate=2020-03-12}} ===2022=== *If you follow Jan. 6 at the granular level with the facts that are coming out slowly, they are coming out because the government has been very reluctant to release footage, particularly footage of what happened in the tunnel on Jan. 6, where you now begin to see these cops using massive amounts of force against unarmed Trump supporters, including women.<br>The death of [[Rosanne Boyland]] is now being called into question.<br>Was she the second Trump supporter that was killed by the authorities? **4 January 2022 interview with [[Laura Ingraham]] reported in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/jan/10/dinesh-dsouza/dsouza-falsely-claims-jan-6-video-shows-police-usi/ 10 January 2022 article by Politifact] ===Articles=== ====''10 Things to Celebrate: Why I'm an Anti-Anti-American'' (June 2003)==== :<small>Full text of [https://web.archive.org/web/20120903233650/http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/10-things-to-celebrate-Why-I-m-an-2567319.php?#photo-2709803 "10 things to celebrate: Why I'm an anti-anti-American"] (29 June 2003) at ''SFGate''.</small> * Anti-Americanism from abroad would not be such a problem if Americans were united in standing up for their own country. But in this country itself, there are those who blame America for most of the evils in the world. On the political left, many fault the United States for a history of slavery, and for continuing inequality and racism. Even on the right, traditionally the home of patriotism, we hear influential figures say that America has become so decadent... If these critics are right, then America should be destroyed. And who can dispute some of their particulars? This country did have a history of slavery and racism continues to exist. There is much in our culture that is vulgar and decadent. But the critics are wrong about America, because they are missing the big picture. In their indignation over the sins of America, they ignore what is unique and good about American civilization. *In the American view, there is nothing vile or degraded about serving your customers either as a CEO or as a waiter. The ordinary life of production and supporting a family is more highly valued in the United States than in any other country. America is the only country in the world where we call the waiter 'sir', as if he were a knight. America has achieved greater social equality than any other society. True, there are large inequalities of income and wealth in America. In purely economic terms, Europe is more egalitarian. But Americans are socially more equal than any other people, and this is unaffected by economic disparities. Alexis de Tocqueville noticed this egalitarianism a century and a half ago and it is, if anything, more prevalent today. For all his riches, Bill Gates could not approach the typical American and say, 'Here's a $100 bill. I'll give it to you if you kiss my feet'. Most likely, the person would tell Gates to go to hell! The American view is that the rich guy may have more money, but he isn't in any fundamental sense better than anyone else. * Visitors to places like New York are amazed to see the way in which Serbs and Croatians, Sikhs and Hindus, Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, all seem to work and live together in harmony. How is this possible when these same groups are spearing each other and burning each other's homes in so many places in the world? *America, the freest nation on Earth, is also the most virtuous nation on Earth. This point seems counter-intuitive, given the amount of conspicuous vulgarity, vice and immorality in America. Some Islamic fundamentalists argue that their regimes are morally superior to the United States because they seek to foster virtue among the citizens. Virtue, these fundamentalists argue, is a higher principle than liberty. Indeed it is. And let us admit that in a free society, freedom will frequently be used badly. Freedom, by definition, includes the freedom to do good or evil, to act nobly or basely. But if freedom brings out the worst in people, it also brings out the best. The millions of Americans who live decent, praiseworthy lives deserve our highest admiration because they have opted for the good when the good is not the only available option. Even amid the temptations of a rich and free society, they have remained on the straight path. Their virtue has special luster because it is freely chosen. By contrast, the societies that many Islamic fundamentalists seek would eliminate the possibility of virtue. If the supply of virtue is insufficient in a free society like America, it is almost nonexistent in an unfree society like Iran's. The reason is that coerced virtues are not virtues at all. Consider the woman who is required to wear a veil. There is no modesty in this, because she is being compelled. Compulsion cannot produce virtue, it can only produce the outward semblance of virtue. Thus a free society like America's is not merely more prosperous, more varied, more peaceful, and more tolerant; it is also morally superior to the theocratic and authoritarian regimes that America's enemies advocate. *We should love our country not just because it is ours, but also because it is good. America is far from perfect, and there is lots of room for improvement. In spite of its flaws, however, American life as it is lived today is the best life that our world has to offer. Ultimately America is worthy of our love and sacrifice because, more than any other society, it makes possible the good life, and the life that is good. *If I had remained in India, I would probably have lived my whole life within a five-mile radius of where I was born. I would undoubtedly have married a woman of my identical religious and socioeconomic background. I would almost certainly have become a medical doctor, or an engineer, or a computer programmer. I would have socialized entirely within my ethnic community. I would have a whole set of opinions that could be predicted in advance; indeed, they would not be very different from what my father believed, or his father before him. In sum, my destiny would to a large degree have been given to me... The typical American could come to India, live for 40 years, and take Indian citizenship. But he could not 'become Indian'. He wouldn't see himself that way, nor would most Indians see him that way. In America, by contrast, hundreds of millions have come from far-flung shores and over time they, or at least their children, have in a profound and full sense 'become American'. === Books === ==== ''The End of Racism'' (1995) ==== * ''If racism is not the main problem for blacks, what is?'' Liberal antiracism. ** Ch. 1<!--: The White Man's Burden--> * Racism originated not in ignorance and fear but as part of an enlightened enterprise of intellectual discovery. ** Ch. 1 * The main contemporary obstacle facing African Americans is neither white racism, as many liberals claim, nor black genetic deficiency, as [[Charles Murray]] and others imply. Rather it involves destructive and pathological cultural patterns of behavior: excessive reliance on government, conspiratorial paranoia about racism, a resistance to academic achievement as "acting white," a celebration of the criminal and outlaw as authentically black, and the normalization of illegitimacy and dependency. ** Ch. 1 * The American slave was treated like property, which is to say, pretty well. ** Ch. 3<!--: An American Dilemma * The worst decay in the two-parent black family unit seems to have occurred not during slavery or as a result of slavery, but much later and for different reasons. Nor is there any evidence that as a consequence of slavery, blacks condoned illegitimacy as acceptable within the community. For the decline and fragility of the contemporary black family, the institution of slavery bears only a minor responsibility. ** Ch. 3: An American Dilemma --> * Strictly speaking, relativism does not permit social progress, because the new culture is by definition no better than the one it replaced. ** Ch. 6<!--:The Race Merchants--> * It is understandable but implausible...to insist upon prominent media accounts about law-abiding citizens and quotidian virtue; this is a bit like the airline industry complaining that the press does not write stories about airplanes that land safely. ** Ch. 7<!--: Is America a Racist Society?--> * Black rage is largely a response not to white racism but to black failure. ** Ch. 8<!--: Institutional Racism and Double Standards--> * If biological differences do exist, they cannot be wished away. However unpopular the investigation, we have to take the possibility of natural differences seriously. What is at stake is nothing less than the foundation of contemporary liberalism. ** Ch. 11<!--: The Content of Our Chromosomes--> ==== ''What's So Great About America'' (2003) ==== [[File:Motherhood and apple pie.jpg|thumb|I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat."]] * Americans are the friendliest people you will encounter, but they have few friends. ** Ch. 1: Why They Hate Us * What the immigrant cannot help noticing is that America is a country where the poor live comparatively well. This fact was dramatized in the 1980s, when CBS television broadcast an anti-Reagan documentary, "People Like Us", which was intended to show the miseries of the poor during an American recession. The Soviet Union also broadcast the documentary, with a view to embarrassing the Reagan administration. But by the testimony of former Soviet leaders, it had the opposite effect. Ordinary people across the Soviet Union saw that the poorest Americans have television sets and microwave ovens and cars. They arrived at the same perception of America that I witnessed in a friend of mine from Bombay who has been unsuccessfully trying to move to the United States for nearly a decade. Finally I asked him, "Why are you so eager to come to America"? He replied, "Because I really want to live in a country where the poor people are fat." ** Ch. 3: Becoming American * In most countries in the world, your fate and your identity are handed to you; in America, you determine them for yourself. America is a country where you get to write the script of your own life. Your life is like a blank sheet of paper, and you are the artist. * As an immigrant, I am constantly surprised by how much I hear racism talked about and how little I actually see it. (Even fewer are the incidents in which I have experienced it directly.) ** Ch. 4: The Reparations Fallacy * America is a new kind of society that produces a new kind of human being. That human being—confident, self-reliant, tolerant, generous, future oriented—is a vast improvement over the wretched, servile, fatalistic, and intolerant human being that traditional societies have always produced, and that Islamic societies produce now. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful * America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world. ** Ch. 6: America the Beautiful ==== ''The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left And its Responsibility for 9 / 11'' (2007) ==== * The cultural left, and its allies in Congress, the media, Hollywood, the nonprofit sector, and the universities are the primary cause of the volcano of anger toward America that is erupting from the Islamic world. ** Introduction, pp. 1–2 * The [George W.] Bush administration and the conservatives must stop promoting American popular culture because it is producing a blowback of Muslim rage. With a few exceptions, the right should not bother to defend American movies, music, and television. From the point of view of traditional values, they are indefensible. Moreover, why should the right stand up for the left's debased values? Why should our people defend their America? Rather, American conservatives should join the Muslims and others in condemning the global moral degeneracy that is produced by liberal values. ** Introduction, p. 26 ==== ''What's So Great about Christianity'' (2007) ==== * They [atheists] want to control school curricula so they can promote a secular ideology and undermine Christianity. ** Preface * Today courts wrongly interpret separation of church and state to mean that religion has no place in the public arena, or that morality derived from religion should not be permitted to shape our laws. Somehow freedom for religious expression has become freedom from religious expression. Secularists want to empty the public square of religion and religious-based morality so they can monopolize the shared space of society with their own views. ** Ch. 3 [[File:Michelangelo, Creation of Adam 06.jpg|thumb|The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge.]] * My conclusion is that contrary to popular belief, [[atheism]] is not primarily an intellectual revolt, it is a moral revolt. Atheists don't find God invisible so much as objectionable. They aren't adjusting their desires to the truth, but rather the truth to fit their desires. [...] This is the perennial appeal of atheism: it gets rid of the stern fellow with the long beard and liberates us for the pleasures of sin and depravity. The atheist seeks to get rid of moral judgment by getting rid of the judge. ** Ch. 23 * Do you believe in the existence of [[Socrates]]? [[Alexander the Great]]? [[Julius Caesar]]? If historicity is established by written records in multiple copies that date originally from near contemporaneous sources, there is far more proof for [[Jesus|Christ]]'s existence than for any of theirs. ** Ch. 26 ==== ''The Roots of Obama's Rage'' (2010) ==== <!-- * It is the anti-colonial ideology of his [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|African father]] that [[Barack Obama]] took to heart. ** Ch. 2: The Black Man's Burden --> * We are today living out the script for America and the world that was dreamt up not by [[Barack Obama|Obama]] but by [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Obama's father]]. How do I know this? Because Obama says so himself. Reflect for a moment on the title of his book: it's not ''Dreams of My Father'' but rather ''Dreams from My Father''. In other words, Obama is not writing a book about his father's dreams; he is writing a book about the dreams that he got from his father.{{pbr}}Think about what this means. The most powerful country in the world is being governed according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s—a polygamist who abandoned his wives, drank himself into stupors, and bounced around on two iron legs (after his real legs had to be amputated because of a car crash caused by his drunk driving). This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anti-colonial ambitions, is now setting the nation’s agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son is the one who is making it happen, but the son is, as he candidly admits, only living out his father’s dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is being governed by a ghost. ** Ch. 10: The Last Anti-Colonial ==== ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014) ==== [[File:Portrait of a Man, Said to be Christopher Columbus 2.jpg|thumb|Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America.]] * How, for example, did Obama get elected as a complete unknown? ... There is a one word answer: slavery. America's national guilt over slavery continues to benefit Obama, who ironically is not himself descended from slaves. ** Ch. 1<!--: Suicide of a Nation--> * Did America owe something to the slaves whose labor had been stolen? ... That debt...is best discharged through memory, because the slaves are dead and their descendants...are better off as a consequence of their ancestors being hauled from Africa to America. ** Ch. 8<!--: Their Fourth of July--> * Better off? The point is illustrated by the great African American boxer [[Muhammad Ali]]. In the early 1970s Muhammad Ali fought for the heavyweight title against George Foreman. The fight was held in the African nation of Zaire; it was insensitively called the "rumble in the jungle." Ali won the fight, and upon returning to the United States, he was asked by a reporter, "Champ, what did you think of Africa?" Ali replied, "Thank God my granddaddy got on that boat!" There is a characteristic mischievous pungency to Ali's remark, yet it also expresses a widely held sentiment. Ali recognizes that for all the horror of slavery, it was the transmission belt that brought Africans into the orbit of Western freedom. The slaves were not better off—the boat Ali refers to brought the slaves through a horrific Middle Passage to a life of painful servitude—yet their descendants today, even if they won't admit it, are better off. Ali was honest enough to admit it. ** Ch. 8. Most likely a misattribution. A ''Newsweek'' article at the time of the match attributed the quote "Thank God our grandpappies caught that boat!" to [[George Foreman]]'s manager Dick Sadler. "It Takes a Heap of Salongo", ''Newsweek'' (September 23, 1974), p. 72. * While posing as the pursuer of thieves, and the restorer of stolen goods, the government is actually the biggest thief of all. In fact, progressives have turned a large body of Americans—basically, Democratic voters—into accessories of theft by convincing them that they are doing something just and moral by picking their fellow citizens' pockets. ** Ch. 14<!--: The Biggest Thief of All--> * Progressives have convinced people that they are fighting theft. If a greedy capitalist has looted your possessions, you would want the government to do something about it. An essential function of government is to bring thieves to justice and to restore stolen possessions to their rightful owners. If the progressive critique is valid, then it doesn't matter if government does it inefficiently, since there is no one else to do the job: inefficient justice is better than no justice. Moreover, when we ask the police to go after bad guys and repossess their stolen goods, we aren't concerned with whether we foster virtue among the "giver" and gratitude in the "receiver." That's because the giver isn't really giving; he's merely giving back, and the receiver has no cause for gratitude since he (or she) is merely being made whole. In this scenario, Americans who are sitting in the bandwagon have earned that right, and the people pulling are the thieves who deserve to be penalized and castigated. This is why I've devoted the bulk of this book to refuting the theft critique. If I've succeeded, then the whole progressive argument collapses and our federal government, far from being an instrument of justice, now becomes an instrument of plunder. ** Ch. 14 * Here's the formula for Obama's success: "They work, and you eat." ** Ch. 14 * The Chinese, the Indians, the Brazilians, and the Russians are all getting richer and stronger due to wealth creation. Yet the leaders of these countries, while they appreciate wealth creation as one way to gain power, have never given up on the conquest ethic as another way to gain power. In fact, they see wealth creation as away to increase their military power; then that power can be deployed to acquire more wealth through conquest. [Americans] no longer have the conquest ethic. But the Chinese do; they have never given it up. This is why the world still needs America. We remain the custodians of the idea that wealth should be obtained through invention and trade, not through forced seizure. ** Ch. 16<!--: Decline Is a Choice--> * If we think of the ''Titanic'' as symbolizing the American era, Obama wants that ship to go down. Obama is the architect of American decline, and progressivism is the ideology of American suicide. ** Ch. 16 * This is our turn at the wheel, and history will judge us based on how we handle it. Decline is a choice, but so is liberty. ** Ch. 16 <!-- === Debates === [[File:Dinesh DSouza speaking at CPAC 2012, UNEDITED. (6859827729).jpg|thumb|My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants.]] * My podium is a little narrow, but I guess that's okay since I remembered to wear pants. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJvoFbA0qcs&feature=youtu.be&t=12m33s "What's So Great About God?: Atheism vs Religion"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[Christopher Hitchens]] debate at Macky Auditorium, CU Boulder (26 January 2009) * [[w:Dan Barker|Dan]] has raised so many points... '''I feel a bit like the mosquito at the nudist colony—I'm just not sure where to begin!''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fzde_QN4fE&feature=youtu.be&t=19m40s "Does God Exist?"] — Dinesh D'Souza and [[w:Dan Barker|Dan Barker]] debate at Prestonwood Christian Academy, Plano, TX (November 19, 2009) --> === Documentary films === ==== ''[[w:2016: Obama's America|2016: Obama's America]]'' (2012) ==== {{main|2016: Obama's America}} * The first time, we did not know what change would look like. Now we do. The first time, we did not know Barack Obama. Now we do. Which dream will we carry into 2016? The American dream or Obama's dream? The future is not in my hands. It's not even in Obama's hands. The future is in ''your'' hands. ==== ''[[w:America: Imagine the World Without Her|America: Imagine the World Without Her]]'' (2014) ==== {{main|America: Imagine the World Without Her}} [[File:The Old Flag Never Touched the Ground.jpg|thumb|Slavery existed all over the world... What's uniquely American is the fighting of a great war to end it.]] * Imagine the unimaginable... What would the world look like if America did not exist? * Did America steal the country from the Native Americans? Much of this critique focuses on [[Christopher Columbus|Columbus]] and the actions of the Spanish conquistadors. But Columbus never even landed in America. And the actions of the Spanish, that was 150 years before America. * Slavery existed all over the world. The Egyptians had slaves. The Chinese had slaves. The Africans did. American Indians had slaves long before Columbus. And tragically, slavery continues today in many countries. What's uniquely Western is the [[Abolitionism|abolition]] of slavery. And what's uniquely American is the fighting of a [[American Civil War|great war]] to end it. * [[Capitalism]] works not through coercion or conquest, but through the consent of the consumer. ====''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party'' (2016)==== :<small>[https://youtube.com/r7e6gLht6OQ ''Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party''] (2016)</small> *The Obama administration tried to shut me up. ====''The Big Lie: Exposing the Nazi Roots of the American Left'' (2017)==== Washington DC, Regnery Publishing, 2017 *By limiting state power, conservatives seek among other things to protect the right of the people to keep the fruit of their own labor. [[Abraham Lincoln]], America’s first Republican president, placed himself squarely in the founding tradition when he said, ‘I always thought the man who made the corn should eat the corn.’ Lincoln, like the founders, was not concerned that private property or private earnings might cause economic inequality. Rather, he believed, as three of the founders themselves wrote in the [[The Federalist Papers|''Federalist Papers'']] No. 10, that ‘the protection of different and unequal faculties of acquiring property’ is the ‘first object of government.’ ** p. 33 *[[Giovanni Gentile | Gentile]] was, in fact, a lifelong socialist. Like Marx, he viewed socialism as the sine qua non of social justice, the ultimate formula for everyone paying their ‘fair share.’ For Gentile, fascism is nothing more than a modified form of socialism, a socialism arising not merely from material deprivation but also from an aroused national consciousness, a socialism that unites rather than divides communities. ** p. 53 *Gentile also perceived fascism emerging out of revolutionary struggle, what the media today terms ‘protest’ or ‘activism.’ Unlike [[Karl Marx |Marx]], he conceived the struggle not between the working class and the capitalists, but between the selfish individual trying to live for himself and the fully actualized individual who willingly puts himself at the behest of society and the state. Gentile seems to be the unacknowledged ancestor of the street activism of [[Antifa (United States) | Antifa]] and other leftist groups. ‘One of the major virtues of fascism,’ he writes, ‘is that it obliged those who watched from their windows to come down into the street.’ ** p. 53 *One might naively expect the Left, then, to embrace and celebrate Gentile. This, of course, will never happen. The Left has the desperate need to conceal fascism’s association with contemporary leftism. Even when the Left uses Gentilean rhetoric, it’s source can never be publicly acknowledged. And since the Left dominates academia and popular culture, it has the clout to perform this vanishing trick. That’s why the progressives intend to keep Gentile where they’ve got him: dead, buried, and forgotten. ** p. 55 *If you read the [[w:National Socialist Program |Nazi platform]] without knowing its source, you could easily be forgiven for thinking you were reading the 2016 platform of the Democratic Party. Or at least a Democratic platform drafted jointly by [[Bernie Sanders]] and [[Elizabeth Warren]]. Sure, some of the language is out of date. The Democrats can’t talk about ‘usury’ these days; they’d have to substitute ‘Wall Street greed.’ But otherwise, it’s all there. All you have to do is cross out the word ‘Nazi’ and write in the word ‘Democrat.’ **pp. 60-61 *The fascists adopted an economic policy that is closely parallel to, and in many respects identical with, today’s progressivism. Mussolini called this policy ‘corporatism,’ but a more descriptive term would be state-run capitalism. Mussolini envisioned a powerful centralized state directing the institutions of the private sector, forcing their private welfare into line with the national welfare… Although today’s American Left dares not invoke Mussolini’s name, the honest among them will have to admit that it was he and his fellow fascists who were their pioneers and paved their way. ** p. 86 *As he thought about these problems, Hitler’s attention was turned to America. Hitler didn’t know a lot about America. He had never been to America. And he despised America. ‘My feeling against Americanism,’ he later said in 1942, ‘are feeling of hatred and deep repugnance.’ Why? He claimed, ’Everything about the behavior of American society reveals that it’s half Judaized and the other half negrified.’ Moreover, America is ‘a country where everything is built on the dollar.’ For Hitler, America represented the worst case of unrestricted Jewish [[Capitalism| capitalism]] **p. 88 *FDR [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]] cozied up to and made deals with the worst racists in America… FDR appointed Hugo Black, a former Ku Klux Klansman, to the Supreme Court. Black was completely unqualified—his only judicial experience had been eighteen months as a municipal court judge—but he had a reputation as an enthusiastic New Dealer who had publicly endorsed FDR’s court-packing plan. Black was also an active Klan member who had spoken at and led Klan rallies and marches throughout his native Alabama. **pp. 189-190 *FDR also supported racist Democrats in Congress in their efforts to thwart anti-lynching laws. This was a key condition the racists put before FDR. They said they would not support FDR’s [[New Deal]] programs unless FDR supported their effort to block Republican anti-lynching bills. So FDR convinced even northern Democrats and progressives to back their southern counterparts in keeping these bills from coming to the floor for a vote. This is one of the most disgraceful legacies of the FDR presidency and it goes virtually unmentioned in progressive FDR biographies. **p. 190 == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.dineshdsouza.com/ Official website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dsouza, Dinesh}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Christian apologists]] [[Category:Film directors from India]] [[Category:People from Mumbai]] [[Category:Political commentators from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from India]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Christians from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:Political authors from India]] [[Category:Political authors from the United States]] q1gi3lskolfhrr6krq9pwf76mjp3yne 0 174229 3944408 3937666 2026-05-23T07:38:49Z ~2026-30801-54 3327856 digging! 3944408 wikitext text/x-wiki '''This'''<small>This article is about the shade “black”. For the race, see [[Black people]]. For other uses, see [[Black (disambiguation)]].</small> [[File:Black colour.jpg|thumb|I [[look]] inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black<br>I see my [[red]] [[door]], I must have it [[painted]] black<br>Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]<br>It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black ~ [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]]]] '''{{w|Black}}''' is the [[darkest]] [[color]]. It is the result of the absence or complete [[w:Absorption (electromagnetic radiation)|absorption]] of [[w:visible spectrum|visible]] [[light]]. It is an achromatic color, a color, and {{w|white}}. {{Theme-stub}} ==Quotes== * Black, the color of the [[West]], of [[truth]], [[revelation]], and [[destruction]]. ** [[Paula Gunn Allen]], {{cite book |title=The Sacred Hoop: Recovering the Feminine in American Indian Traditions |date=1 September 1992 |publisher=Beacon Press |isbn=978-0-8070-4617-3}} Chapter Two * The [[smith]] and his [[penny]] both are black. ** [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' (1651). * I [[see]] a [[red]] [[door]] and I [[want]] it [[painted]] black<br>No colors anymore, I want them to turn black<br>I see the [[boys]] walk by [[pants]] in their [[summer]] [[clothes]]<br>I have to turn my [[head]] until my [[darkness]] goes<br> <br>I see a line of [[cars]] and they're all painted black<br>With [[flowers]] and my [[love]], both [[never]] to come back<br>I see [[people]] turn their heads and quickly look away<br>Like a new [[born]] [[baby]], it just happens every [[day]]<br> <br>I look inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black<br>I see my red door, I must have it painted black<br>Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]<br>It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black ** [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]], ''{{w|Paint It Black}}'', 7 May 1966 * Black as holes within a [[memory]] ** [[Maynard James Keenan]], ''[[Tool (band)#"Third Eye"|Third Eye]]'', ''[[Ænima]]'' (1996). * Red, when mingled with black and white, gives a {{w|purple}} hue, which becomes {{w|umber}} when the colors are burnt and a greater portion of black is added. Flame-color is a mixture of auburn and [[wikt:dun#Noun|dun]]; dun of white and black; pale {{w|yellow}} of white and auburn. White and light meeting, and falling upon a full black, become dark {{w|blue}}; dark blue mingling with white becomes a light blue; the union of flame-color and black makes leek-{{w|green}}. There is no difficulty in seeing how other colors are probably composed. But he who should attempt to test the truth of this in fact, would forget the difference of the human and [[divine]] nature. [[God]] only is able to compound and resolve substances; such experiments are impossible to man. ** [[Plato]], ''[[w:Timaeus (dialogue)|Timaeus]]'' (c. 360 BC) as quoted in ''The Dialogues of Plato'' (1911) Tr. [[Benjamin Jowett]], Vol. 2 of 4, [https://books.google.com/books?id=Y1BFAQAAMAAJ&pg=PA475 pp. 475-476.] ==See also== * [[Colors]] * [[Night]] * [[Shadows]] ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{commons category-inline}} *{{Wiktionary-inline|black}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Colours]] 1jhis0nuyh2rka53tu2ji37sr31f55o 3944409 3944408 2026-05-23T07:47:54Z MathXplore 3050778 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-30801-54|~2026-30801-54]] ([[User talk:~2026-30801-54|talk]]) to last version by Quinlan83 3930225 wikitext text/x-wiki <small>This article is about the shade “black”. For the race, see [[Black people]]. For other uses, see [[Black (disambiguation)]].</small> [[File:Black colour.jpg|thumb|I [[look]] inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black<br>I see my [[red]] [[door]], I must have it [[painted]] black<br>Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]<br>It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black ~ [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]]]] '''{{w|Black}}''' is the [[darkest]] [[color]]. It is the result of the absence or complete [[w:Absorption (electromagnetic radiation)|absorption]] of [[w:visible spectrum|visible]] [[light]]. It is an achromatic color, a color, and {{w|white}}. {{Theme-stub}} ==Quotes== * Black, the color of the [[West]], of [[truth]], [[revelation]], and [[destruction]]. ** [[Paula Gunn Allen]], {{cite book |title=The Sacred Hoop: Recovering the Feminine in American Indian Traditions |date=1 September 1992 |publisher=Beacon Press |isbn=978-0-8070-4617-3}} Chapter Two * The [[smith]] and his [[penny]] both are black. ** [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' (1651). * I [[see]] a [[red]] [[door]] and I [[want]] it [[painted]] black<br>No colors anymore, I want them to turn black<br>I see the [[boys]] walk by [[pants]] in their [[summer]] [[clothes]]<br>I have to turn my [[head]] until my [[darkness]] goes<br> <br>I see a line of [[cars]] and they're all painted black<br>With [[flowers]] and my [[love]], both [[never]] to come back<br>I see [[people]] turn their heads and quickly look away<br>Like a new [[born]] [[baby]], it just happens every [[day]]<br> <br>I look inside [[myself]] and see my [[heart]] is black<br>I see my red door, I must have it painted black<br>Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the [[facts]]<br>It's not easy facing up, when your whole [[world]] is black ** [[Mick Jagger]] and [[Keith Richards]], ''{{w|Paint It Black}}'', 7 May 1966 * Black as holes within a [[memory]] ** [[Maynard James Keenan]], ''[[Tool (band)#"Third Eye"|Third Eye]]'', ''[[Ænima]]'' (1996). * Red, when mingled with black and white, gives a {{w|purple}} hue, which becomes {{w|umber}} when the colors are burnt and a greater portion of black is added. Flame-color is a mixture of auburn and [[wikt:dun#Noun|dun]]; dun of white and black; pale {{w|yellow}} of white and auburn. White and light meeting, and falling upon a full black, become dark {{w|blue}}; dark blue mingling with white becomes a light blue; the union of flame-color and black makes leek-{{w|green}}. There is no difficulty in seeing how other colors are probably composed. But he who should attempt to test the truth of this in fact, would forget the difference of the human and [[divine]] nature. [[God]] only is able to compound and resolve substances; such experiments are impossible to man. ** [[Plato]], ''[[w:Timaeus (dialogue)|Timaeus]]'' (c. 360 BC) as quoted in ''The Dialogues of Plato'' (1911) Tr. [[Benjamin Jowett]], Vol. 2 of 4, [https://books.google.com/books?id=Y1BFAQAAMAAJ&pg=PA475 pp. 475-476.] ==See also== * [[Colors]] * [[Night]] * [[Shadows]] ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{commons category-inline}} *{{Wiktionary-inline|black}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Colours]] iylwm65dpv5w0vs2zud5pl8zxdy4xlh 14 174726 3944399 2615468 2026-05-23T07:18:17Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United States]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944399 wikitext text/x-wiki Category for articles related to the {{w|Libertarian Party (United States)}}. [[Category:Right-libertarianism]] [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] man36qbgip1tqcdb83nlefivkxee0c0 0 176008 3944351 3902628 2026-05-23T02:18:18Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Silius */ 3944351 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Silius Italicus.jpg|thumb|Make haste! The flood-tide of Fortune soon ebbs.]] [[File:Hasdrubal coin.jpg|thumb|He had the folly to believe that to be feared is glory.]] [[File:1868, Mugeres célebres de España y Portugal, Himilce, AB195 0021 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Doubt not a woman's hardihood; no danger is too great for wedded love to face.]] [[File:THE PASSAGE OF THE ALPS WAS EFFECTED UNDER MANY DIFFICULTIES.gif|thumb|Men leave arms and legs behind, severed by the frost, and the cruel cold cuts off the limbs already broken.]] [[File:Schlacht bei Zama Gemälde H P Motte.jpg|thumb|Manhood is tested by trial.]] [[File:Sylvestre Ducar decapite Flaminius (Trasimene).jpg|thumb|Groundless superstition ill becomes an army; Valour is the only deity that rules in the warrior's breast.]] [[File:N26FabiusCunctator.jpg|thumb|Inaction is safety in peril.]] [[File:Hannibal Slodtz Louvre MR2093.jpg|thumb|Victorious Carthage measures the downfall of Rome by all the heap of gold that was torn from the left hands of the slain.]] '''[[w:Silius Italicus|Silius Italicus]]''' (c. 28 – c. 103) was a [[w:Roman Empire|Roman]] [[w:Roman consul|consul]], [[w:orator|orator]], and [[w:Latin|Latin]] [[w:Epic poetry|epic poet]]. His only surviving work is the 17-book ''[[w:Punica (poem)|Punica]]'', an epic poem about the [[w:Second Punic War|Second Punic War]]. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Punica (poem)|Punica]]'' === : <small>Silius Italicus, ''Punica'', trans. [[w:James Duff Duff|J. D. Duff]] (Loeb Classical Library, 1934)</small> * ''Ordior arma, quibus caelo se gloria tollit<br />Aeneadum, patiturque ferox Oenotria iura<br />Carthago.'' ** Here I begin the war by which the fame of the Aeneadae was raised to heaven and proud Carthage submitted to the rule of Italy. *** Book I, lines 1–3 * ''Metui demens credebat honorem.'' ** He had the folly to believe that to be feared is glory. *** Book I, line 149 * ''Primus sumpsisse laborem.'' ** He was ever first to undertake hardship. *** Book I, line 242 * ''Ad limina sanctae<br />contendit Fidei secretaque pectora temptat.<br />arcanis dea laeta polo tum forte remoto<br />caelicolum magnas uoluebat conscia curas.<br />quam tali adloquitur Nemeae pacator honore:<br />'Ante Iouem generata, decus diuumque hominumque,<br />qua sine non tellus pacem, non aequora norunt,<br />iustitiae consors...' ** He took his way to the abode of sacred Loyalty, seeking to discover her hidden purpose. It chanced that the goddess, who loves solitude, was then in a distant region of heaven, pondering in her heart the high concerns of the gods. Then he who gave peace to Nemea accosted her thus with reverence: "Goddess more ancient than Jupiter, glory of gods and men, without whom neither sea nor land finds peace, sister of Justice..." *** Book II, lines 479–486 * ''Postquam oculos varia implevit virtutis imago,<br />mira dehinc cernit: surgentis mole profundi<br />injectum terris subitum mare nullaque circa<br />litora et infuso stagnantis aequore campos.<br />nam qua caeruleis Nereus evoluitur antris<br />atque imo freta contorquet Neptunia fundo, <br />proruptum exundat pelagus, caecosque relaxans<br />Oceanus fontis torrentibus ingruit undis.<br />tum uada, ceu saevo penitus permota tridenti,<br />luctantur terris tumefactum imponere pontum.<br />mox remeat gurges tractoque relabitur aestu,<br />ac ratis erepto campis deserta profundo,<br />et fusi transtris expectant aequora nautae.<br />Cymothoes ea regna vagae pelagique labores<br />Luna mouet, Luna, immissis per caerula bigis,<br />fertque refertque fretum, sequiturque reciproca Tethys.'' ** When Hannibal's eyes were sated with the picture of all that valour, he saw next a marvellous sight—the sea suddenly flung upon the land with the mass of the rising deep, and no encircling shores, and the fields inundated by the invading waters. For, where Nereus rolls forth from his blue caverns and churns up the waters of Neptune from the bottom, the sea rushes forward in flood, and Ocean, opening his hidden springs, rushes on with furious waves. Then the water, as if stirred to the depths by the fierce trident, strives to cover the land with the swollen sea. But soon the water turns and glides back with ebbing tide; and then the ships, robbed of the sea, are stranded, and the sailors, lying on their benches, await the waters' return. It is the Moon that stirs this realm of wandering Cymothoe and troubles the deep; the Moon, driving her chariot through the sky, draws the sea this way and that, and Tethys follows with ebb and flow. *** Book III, lines 45–60 * ''Crede vigori<br />femineo. Castum haud superat labor ullus amorem.'' ** Doubt not a woman's hardihood; no danger is too great for wedded love to face. *** Book III, lines 112–113 * ''Quoque magis subiere iugo atque euadere nisi<br />erexere gradum, crescit labor. ardua supra<br />sese aperit fessis et nascitur altera moles.'' ** The higher they climbed in their struggle to reach the top, the harder grew their toil. When one height had been mastered, a second opens and springs up before their aching sight. *** Book III, line 528–530 * ''Abscisa relincunt<br />membra gelu, fractosque asper rigor amputat artus.'' ** Men leave arms and legs behind, severed by the frost, and the cruel cold cuts off the limbs already broken. *** Book III, line 552–553 * ''Blandoque veneno<br />desidiae virtus paulatim evicta senescit.'' ** And their manliness is slowly sapped and weakened by the seductive poison of indolence. *** Book III, lines 580–581 * ''Caeruleas Ticinus aquas et stagna uadoso<br />perspicuus seruat turbari nescia fundo<br />ac nitidum uiridi lente trahit amne liquorem.<br />uix credas labi: ripis tam mitis opacis<br />argutos inter uolucrum certamine cantus<br />somniferam ducit lucenti gurgite lympham.'' ** That crystal [[w:Ticino (river)|river]] keeps its pools of blue water free from all stain above its shallow bed, and slowly draws along its fair stream of greenish hue. One would scarce believe it was moving; so softly along its shady banks, while the birds sing sweet in rivalry, it leads along in a shining flood its waters that tempt to sleep. *** Book IV, lines 82–87 * ''Explorant adversa viros, perque aspera duro<br />nititur ad laudem virtus interrita clivo.'' ** Manhood is tested by trial, and valour climbs unterrified the rocky path and difficult ascent that leads to glory. *** Book IV, lines 603–604 * ''Pelle moras! Brevis est magni Fortuna favoris.'' ** Make haste! The flood-tide of Fortune soon ebbs. *** Book IV, line 732 * ''Bellandum est astu; leuior laus in duce dextrae.'' ** War calls for strategy: valour is less praiseworthy in a commander. *** Book V, line 100 * ''Deforme sub armis<br />vana superstitio est: dea sola in pectore Virtus<br />bellantum viget.'' ** Groundless superstition ill becomes an army; Valour is the only deity that rules in the warrior's breast. *** Book V, lines 125–127 * ''...ceu tigride cerva<br />Hyrcana cum pressa tremit, vel territa pennas<br />colligit accipitrem cernens in nube columba,<br />aut dumis subit, albenti si sensit in aethra<br />librantem nisus aquilam, lepus.'' ** Like a trembling hind pursued by a Hyrcanian tigress, or like a pigeon that checks her flight when she sees a hawk in the sky, or like a hare that dives into the thicket at sight of the eagle hovering with outstretched wings in the cloudless sky. *** Book V, lines 280–284 <!--[[File:Print, A serpent taken by the Romans under Regulus during Punic War, ca. 1595 (CH 18391973).jpg|thumb|Huge as the snakes that armed the Giants when they stormed heaven, or as the hydra that wearied Hercules by the waters of Lerna, or as Juno's snake that guarded the boughs with golden foliage.]]--> * ''Quantis armati caelum petiere Gigantes<br />anguibus, aut quantus Lernae lassavit in undis<br />Amphitryoniaden serpens, qualisque comantis<br />auro servauit ramos Junonius anguis.'' ** Huge as the snakes that armed the Giants when they stormed heaven, or as the hydra that wearied Hercules by the waters of Lerna, or as Juno's snake that guarded the boughs with golden foliage. *** Book VI, lines 181–184 * ''Haud secus ac stabulis procurans otia pastor<br />in foveam parco tectam velamine frondis<br />ducit nocte lupos positae balatibus agnae.'' ** Even so a shepherd, seeking safety for his flock, lures the wolves at night by the bleating of a tethered lamb into the pitfall masked by a slender covering of leafage. *** Book VI, lines 329–331 * ''Nec tam fugisse cauendo<br />aduersa egregium, quam perdomuisse ferendo.'' ** And he held it a nobler thing to conquer adversity by endurance than to avoid it by precaution. *** Book VI, lines 375–376 * ''Rarae fumant felicibus arae.'' ** Altars seldom smoke in prosperous times. *** Book VII, line 89 * ''Sicut aquae splendor radiatus lampade solis<br />dissultat per tecta uaga sub imagine uibrans<br />luminis et tremula laquearia uerberat umbra.'' ** Even so, when a sunbeam is reflected in water, the light flits to and fro through the room, quivering as the reflection moves, and strikes the ceiling with flickering shadow. *** Book VII, lines 142–145 *** Compare: **** ''Sicut aquae tremulum labris ubi lumen aenis<br />sole repercussum aut radiantis imagine lunae<br />omnia pervolitat late loca, iamque sub auras<br />erigitur summique ferit laquearia tecti.'' ***** As quick as flickering light<br />thrown off by water in bronze bowls reflects the sun<br />or radiant moon, now flittering near and far, now<br />rising to strike a ceiling's gilded fretwork. ***** [[Virgil]], ''[[Aeneid]]'' (19 BC), Book VIII, lines 22–25 (tr. Robert Fagles) * ''Aegris<br />nil mouisse salus rebus.'' ** Inaction is safety in peril. *** Book VII, lines 395–396 * ''Non umquam spem ponit amor.'' ** Love never abandons hope. *** Book VIII, line 85 * ''Mantua, Musarum domus atque ad sidera cantu<br />evecta Aonio et Smyrnaeis aemula plectris.'' ** [[w:Mantua|Mantua]], the home of the Muses, raised to the skies by immortal verse, and a match for the lyre of Homer. *** Book VIII, lines 593–594 * ''Congesto laevae quodcumque avellitur auro<br />metitur Latias victrix Carthago ruinas.'' ** Victorious Carthage measures the downfall of Rome by all the heap of gold that was torn from the left hands of the slain. *** Book VIII, lines 675–676 *** Note: This refers to the mass of [[w:ring (jewellery)|rings]] Hannibal plundered from the Roman knights slain in the [[w:Battle of Cannae|Battle of Cannae]]. * ''Stat nulla diu mortalibus usquam,<br />Fortuna titubante, fides.'' ** Nowhere do men remain loyal for long when Fortune proves unstable. *** Book XI, lines 3–4 * ''At patulo surgens iam dudum ex aequore late<br />nauticus implebat resonantia litora clamor,<br />et simul adductis percussa ad pectora tonsis<br />centeno fractus spumabat verbere pontus.'' ** Then the shouting of the sailors, which had long been rising from the open sea, filled all the shore with its sound; and, when the rowers all together brought the oars back sharply to their breasts, the sea foamed under the stroke of a hundred blades. *** Book XI, lines 487–490 * ''Pax optima rerum<br />quas homini novisse datum est, pax una triumphis<br />innumeris potior, pax custodire salutem<br />et civis aequare potens revocetur in arcis<br />tandem Sidonias, et fama fugetur ab urbe<br />perfidiae, Phoenissa, tua.'' ** '''[[Peace]] is the best thing that man may know; peace alone is better than a thousand triumphs'''; peace has power to guard our lives and secure equality among fellow-citizens. Let us then after so long recall peace to the city of Carthage, and banish the reproach of treachery from Dido's city. *** Book XI, lines 592–597<!--; spoken by [[w:Hanno the Elder|Hanno]].--> [[File:2006-01-14 Surface waves.jpg|thumb|So, when a pebble breaks the surface of a motionless pool, in its first movements it forms tiny rings; and next, while the water glints and shimmers under the growing force, it swells the number of the circles over the rounding pond, until at last one extended circle reaches with wide-spreading compass from bank to bank.]] * ''Sic, ubi perrupit stagnantem calculus undam,<br />exiguos format per prima volumina gyros,<br />mox tremulum uibrans motu gliscente liquorem<br />multiplicat crebros sinuati gurgitis orbes,<br />donec postremo laxatis circulus oris<br />contingat geminas patulo curuamine ripas.'' ** So, when a pebble breaks the surface of a motionless pool, in its first movements it forms tiny rings; and next, while the water glints and shimmers under the growing force, it swells the number of the circles over the rounding pond, until at last one extended circle reaches with wide-spreading compass from bank to bank. *** Book XIII, lines 24–29 *** Compare: **** As on the smooth expanse of crystal lakes<br />The sinking stone at first a circle makes;<br />The trembling surface, by the motion stirred,<br />Spreads in a second circle, then a third;<br />Wide, and more wide, the floating rings advance,<br />Fill all the watery plain, and to the margin dance. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Temple of Fame'', lines 436–441 **** As the small pebble stirs the peaceful lake:<br />The centre moved, a circle straight succeeds,<br />Another still, and still another spreads. ***** Alexander Pope, ''[[Essay on Man]]'', Ep. IV, lines 364–367 * ''Et deforme malum ac sceleri proclivis Egestas<br />Errorque infido gressu, et Discordia gaudens<br />permiscere fretum caelo.'' ** And Poverty, an unsightly plague that leads men to crime; Error, with staggering gait, and Discord that delights to confound sea with sky. *** Book XIII, lines 585–587 * ''Ipsa quidem virtus sibimet pulcherrima merces;<br />dulce tamen venit ad manis, cum gratia vitae<br />durat apud superos nec edunt oblivia laudem.'' ** '''[[Virtue]] is indeed its own noblest reward'''; yet the dead find it sweet, when the fame of their lives is remembered among the living and oblivion does not swallow up their praises. *** Book XIII, lines 663–665 * ''Subito cum pondere victus,<br />insiliente mari, summergitur alveus undis.<br />scuta virum cristaeque et inerti spicula ferro<br />tutelaeque deum fluitant.'' ** She gave way under the sudden weight, the sea rushed in, and the ''Io'' sank beneath the wave. Shields and helmets float on the water, images of tutelary gods and javelins with useless points. *** Book XIV, lines 540–543 * [''Virtutis''] ''dispar habitus: frons hirta nec umquam<br />composita mutata coma, stans vultus, et ore<br />incessuque viro propior laetique pudoris<br />celsa umeros niveae fulgebat stamine pallae. ** The appearance of [Virtue] was far different: her hair, seeking no borrowed charm from ordered locks, grew freely above her forehead; her eyes were steady; in face and gait she was more like a man; she showed a cheerful modesty; and her tall stature was set off by the snow-white robe she wore. *** Book XV, lines 28–31 * ''Mecum Honor ac Laudes et laeto Gloria vultu<br />et Decus ac niveis Victoria concolor alis.'' ** My attendants are Honour and Praise, Renown and Glory with joyful countenance, and Victory with snow-white wings like mine. *** Book XV, lines 98–99; spoken by Virtue. ==Quotes about Silius== [[File:Como - Dome - Facade - Plinius the Elder.jpg|thumb|He wrote poetry with greater diligence than talent.<br /> ~ [[Pliny the Younger]]]] [[File:Joseph Wright of Derby - Virgil's Tomb by Moonlight, with Silius Italicus - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|<nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Virgil]]'s] birthday he celebrated with more solemnity than his own, especially at Naples, where he used to approach his tomb with as much reverence as if it had been a temple.<br />~ [[Pliny the Younger]]]] * ''Perpetui numquam moritura volumina Sill.'' ** The deathless volumes of immortal Sily. *** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'', 7.63 * ''Silius haec magni celebrat monumenta Maronis,<br />jugera facundi qui Ciceronis habet.<br />Heredem dominumque sui tumulive larisve<br />non alium mallet nec Maro nec Cicero.'' ** Silius, who possesses the land which was eloquent [[Cicero]]'s, honours this monument of great [[Virgil|Maro]]. As heir and owner of his tomb or dwelling no other would either Maro or Cicero choose. *** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'', 11.48 * ''Jam prope desertos cineres et sancta Maronis<br />nomina qui coleret pauper et unus erat.<br />Silius optatae succurrere censuit umbrae,<br />et vates vatem non minor ipse colit.'' ** To honour the ashes, now wellnigh abandoned, and the sacred name of Maro was there but one, and he was poor. Silius resolved to rescue the regretted dead: and Silius—no less himself a poet—honours the bard. *** [[Martial]], equalling Silius to [[Virgil]], in ''Epigrams'', 11.49 * ''Scribebat carmina maiore cura quam ingenio.'' ** He wrote poetry with greater diligence than talent. *** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Letters'', 3.7.5 * [Virgil's] birthday he celebrated with more solemnity than his own, especially at Naples, where he used to approach his tomb with as much reverence as if it had been a temple. ** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Letters'', 3.7.8 * Finished Silius Italicus; for which Heaven be praised! [...] [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] must have read him before me. In the 'Temple of Fame,' and the '[[Essay on Criticism]],' are some touches plainly suggested by Silius. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], note dated December 24, 1835, in ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay'', ed. G. Otto Trevelyan, Vol. I (1875), Appendix, p. 410 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/silius.html Silius Italicus] at [[w:The Latin Library|The Latin Library]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:1st century births]] [[Category:2nd century deaths]] [[Category:Orators]] kn31jandw0hl6l3f9fqlajhfbz9ul2t 3944354 3944351 2026-05-23T02:34:27Z DanielTom 608538 3944354 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Silius Italicus.jpg|thumb|Peace is the best thing that man may know; peace alone is better than a thousand triumphs.]] '''[[w:Silius Italicus|Silius Italicus]]''' (c. 28 – c. 103) was a [[w:Roman Empire|Roman]] [[w:Roman consul|consul]], [[w:orator|orator]], and [[w:Latin|Latin]] [[w:Epic poetry|epic poet]]. His only surviving work is the 17-book ''[[w:Punica (poem)|Punica]]'', an epic poem about the [[w:Second Punic War|Second Punic War]]. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Punica (poem)|Punica]]'' === : <small>Silius Italicus, ''Punica'', trans. [[w:James Duff Duff|J. D. Duff]] (Loeb Classical Library, 1934)</small> * ''Ordior arma, quibus caelo se gloria tollit<br />Aeneadum, patiturque ferox Oenotria iura<br />Carthago.'' ** Here I begin the war by which the fame of the Aeneadae was raised to heaven and proud Carthage submitted to the rule of Italy. *** Book I, lines 1–3 [[File:Hasdrubal coin.jpg|thumb|He had the folly to believe that to be feared is glory.]] * ''Metui demens credebat honorem.'' ** He had the folly to believe that to be feared is glory. *** Book I, line 149 * ''Primus sumpsisse laborem.'' ** He was ever first to undertake hardship. *** Book I, line 242 * ''Ad limina sanctae<br />contendit Fidei secretaque pectora temptat.<br />arcanis dea laeta polo tum forte remoto<br />caelicolum magnas uoluebat conscia curas.<br />quam tali adloquitur Nemeae pacator honore:<br />'Ante Iouem generata, decus diuumque hominumque,<br />qua sine non tellus pacem, non aequora norunt,<br />iustitiae consors...' ** He took his way to the abode of sacred Loyalty, seeking to discover her hidden purpose. It chanced that the goddess, who loves solitude, was then in a distant region of heaven, pondering in her heart the high concerns of the gods. Then he who gave peace to Nemea accosted her thus with reverence: "Goddess more ancient than Jupiter, glory of gods and men, without whom neither sea nor land finds peace, sister of Justice..." *** Book II, lines 479–486 * ''Postquam oculos varia implevit virtutis imago,<br />mira dehinc cernit: surgentis mole profundi<br />injectum terris subitum mare nullaque circa<br />litora et infuso stagnantis aequore campos.<br />nam qua caeruleis Nereus evoluitur antris<br />atque imo freta contorquet Neptunia fundo, <br />proruptum exundat pelagus, caecosque relaxans<br />Oceanus fontis torrentibus ingruit undis.<br />tum uada, ceu saevo penitus permota tridenti,<br />luctantur terris tumefactum imponere pontum.<br />mox remeat gurges tractoque relabitur aestu,<br />ac ratis erepto campis deserta profundo,<br />et fusi transtris expectant aequora nautae.<br />Cymothoes ea regna vagae pelagique labores<br />Luna mouet, Luna, immissis per caerula bigis,<br />fertque refertque fretum, sequiturque reciproca Tethys.'' ** When Hannibal's eyes were sated with the picture of all that valour, he saw next a marvellous sight—the sea suddenly flung upon the land with the mass of the rising deep, and no encircling shores, and the fields inundated by the invading waters. For, where Nereus rolls forth from his blue caverns and churns up the waters of Neptune from the bottom, the sea rushes forward in flood, and Ocean, opening his hidden springs, rushes on with furious waves. Then the water, as if stirred to the depths by the fierce trident, strives to cover the land with the swollen sea. But soon the water turns and glides back with ebbing tide; and then the ships, robbed of the sea, are stranded, and the sailors, lying on their benches, await the waters' return. It is the Moon that stirs this realm of wandering Cymothoe and troubles the deep; the Moon, driving her chariot through the sky, draws the sea this way and that, and Tethys follows with ebb and flow. *** Book III, lines 45–60 [[File:1868, Mugeres célebres de España y Portugal, Himilce, AB195 0021 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Doubt not a woman's hardihood; no danger is too great for wedded love to face.]] * ''Crede vigori<br />femineo. Castum haud superat labor ullus amorem.'' ** Doubt not a woman's hardihood; no danger is too great for wedded love to face. *** Book III, lines 112–113 * ''Quoque magis subiere iugo atque euadere nisi<br />erexere gradum, crescit labor. ardua supra<br />sese aperit fessis et nascitur altera moles.'' ** The higher they climbed in their struggle to reach the top, the harder grew their toil. When one height had been mastered, a second opens and springs up before their aching sight. *** Book III, line 528–530 [[File:THE PASSAGE OF THE ALPS WAS EFFECTED UNDER MANY DIFFICULTIES.gif|thumb|Men leave arms and legs behind, severed by the frost, and the cruel cold cuts off the limbs already broken.]] * ''Abscisa relincunt<br />membra gelu, fractosque asper rigor amputat artus.'' ** Men leave arms and legs behind, severed by the frost, and the cruel cold cuts off the limbs already broken. *** Book III, line 552–553 * ''Blandoque veneno<br />desidiae virtus paulatim evicta senescit.'' ** And their manliness is slowly sapped and weakened by the seductive poison of indolence. *** Book III, lines 580–581 * ''Caeruleas Ticinus aquas et stagna uadoso<br />perspicuus seruat turbari nescia fundo<br />ac nitidum uiridi lente trahit amne liquorem.<br />uix credas labi: ripis tam mitis opacis<br />argutos inter uolucrum certamine cantus<br />somniferam ducit lucenti gurgite lympham.'' ** That crystal [[w:Ticino (river)|river]] keeps its pools of blue water free from all stain above its shallow bed, and slowly draws along its fair stream of greenish hue. One would scarce believe it was moving; so softly along its shady banks, while the birds sing sweet in rivalry, it leads along in a shining flood its waters that tempt to sleep. *** Book IV, lines 82–87 [[File:Schlacht bei Zama Gemälde H P Motte.jpg|thumb|Manhood is tested by trial.]] * ''Explorant adversa viros, perque aspera duro<br />nititur ad laudem virtus interrita clivo.'' ** Manhood is tested by trial, and valour climbs unterrified the rocky path and difficult ascent that leads to glory. *** Book IV, lines 603–604 [[File:Juno Sospita Statue.jpg|thumb|Make haste! The flood-tide of Fortune soon ebbs.]] * ''Pelle moras! Brevis est magni Fortuna favoris.'' ** Make haste! The flood-tide of Fortune soon ebbs. *** Book IV, line 732 * ''Bellandum est astu; leuior laus in duce dextrae.'' ** War calls for strategy: valour is less praiseworthy in a commander. *** Book V, line 100 [[File:Sylvestre Ducar decapite Flaminius (Trasimene).jpg|thumb|Groundless superstition ill becomes an army; Valour is the only deity that rules in the warrior's breast.]] * ''Deforme sub armis<br />vana superstitio est: dea sola in pectore Virtus<br />bellantum viget.'' ** Groundless superstition ill becomes an army; Valour is the only deity that rules in the warrior's breast. *** Book V, lines 125–127 * ''...ceu tigride cerva<br />Hyrcana cum pressa tremit, vel territa pennas<br />colligit accipitrem cernens in nube columba,<br />aut dumis subit, albenti si sensit in aethra<br />librantem nisus aquilam, lepus.'' ** Like a trembling hind pursued by a Hyrcanian tigress, or like a pigeon that checks her flight when she sees a hawk in the sky, or like a hare that dives into the thicket at sight of the eagle hovering with outstretched wings in the cloudless sky. *** Book V, lines 280–284 <!--[[File:Print, A serpent taken by the Romans under Regulus during Punic War, ca. 1595 (CH 18391973).jpg|thumb|Huge as the snakes that armed the Giants when they stormed heaven, or as the hydra that wearied Hercules by the waters of Lerna, or as Juno's snake that guarded the boughs with golden foliage.]]--> * ''Quantis armati caelum petiere Gigantes<br />anguibus, aut quantus Lernae lassavit in undis<br />Amphitryoniaden serpens, qualisque comantis<br />auro servauit ramos Junonius anguis.'' ** Huge as the snakes that armed the Giants when they stormed heaven, or as the hydra that wearied Hercules by the waters of Lerna, or as Juno's snake that guarded the boughs with golden foliage. *** Book VI, lines 181–184 * ''Haud secus ac stabulis procurans otia pastor<br />in foveam parco tectam velamine frondis<br />ducit nocte lupos positae balatibus agnae.'' ** Even so a shepherd, seeking safety for his flock, lures the wolves at night by the bleating of a tethered lamb into the pitfall masked by a slender covering of leafage. *** Book VI, lines 329–331 * ''Nec tam fugisse cauendo<br />aduersa egregium, quam perdomuisse ferendo.'' ** And he held it a nobler thing to conquer adversity by endurance than to avoid it by precaution. *** Book VI, lines 375–376 * ''Rarae fumant felicibus arae.'' ** Altars seldom smoke in prosperous times. *** Book VII, line 89 * ''Sicut aquae splendor radiatus lampade solis<br />dissultat per tecta uaga sub imagine uibrans<br />luminis et tremula laquearia uerberat umbra.'' ** Even so, when a sunbeam is reflected in water, the light flits to and fro through the room, quivering as the reflection moves, and strikes the ceiling with flickering shadow. *** Book VII, lines 142–145 *** Compare: **** ''Sicut aquae tremulum labris ubi lumen aenis<br />sole repercussum aut radiantis imagine lunae<br />omnia pervolitat late loca, iamque sub auras<br />erigitur summique ferit laquearia tecti.'' ***** As quick as flickering light<br />thrown off by water in bronze bowls reflects the sun<br />or radiant moon, now flittering near and far, now<br />rising to strike a ceiling's gilded fretwork. ***** [[Virgil]], ''[[Aeneid]]'' (19 BC), Book VIII, lines 22–25 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:N26FabiusCunctator.jpg|thumb|Inaction is safety in peril.]] * ''Aegris<br />nil mouisse salus rebus.'' ** Inaction is safety in peril. *** Book VII, lines 395–396 * ''Non umquam spem ponit amor.'' ** Love never abandons hope. *** Book VIII, line 85 * ''Mantua, Musarum domus atque ad sidera cantu<br />evecta Aonio et Smyrnaeis aemula plectris.'' ** [[w:Mantua|Mantua]], the home of the Muses, raised to the skies by immortal verse, and a match for the lyre of Homer. *** Book VIII, lines 593–594 [[File:Hannibal Slodtz Louvre MR2093.jpg|thumb|Victorious Carthage measures the downfall of Rome by all the heap of gold that was torn from the left hands of the slain.]] * ''Congesto laevae quodcumque avellitur auro<br />metitur Latias victrix Carthago ruinas.'' ** Victorious Carthage measures the downfall of Rome by all the heap of gold that was torn from the left hands of the slain. *** Book VIII, lines 675–676 *** Note: This refers to the mass of [[w:ring (jewellery)|rings]] Hannibal plundered from the Roman knights slain in the [[w:Battle of Cannae|Battle of Cannae]]. * ''Stat nulla diu mortalibus usquam,<br />Fortuna titubante, fides.'' ** Nowhere do men remain loyal for long when Fortune proves unstable. *** Book XI, lines 3–4 * ''At patulo surgens iam dudum ex aequore late<br />nauticus implebat resonantia litora clamor,<br />et simul adductis percussa ad pectora tonsis<br />centeno fractus spumabat verbere pontus.'' ** Then the shouting of the sailors, which had long been rising from the open sea, filled all the shore with its sound; and, when the rowers all together brought the oars back sharply to their breasts, the sea foamed under the stroke of a hundred blades. *** Book XI, lines 487–490 * ''Pax optima rerum<br />quas homini novisse datum est, pax una triumphis<br />innumeris potior, pax custodire salutem<br />et civis aequare potens revocetur in arcis<br />tandem Sidonias, et fama fugetur ab urbe<br />perfidiae, Phoenissa, tua.'' ** [[Peace]] is the best thing that man may know; peace alone is better than a thousand triumphs; peace has power to guard our lives and secure equality among fellow-citizens. Let us then after so long recall peace to the city of Carthage, and banish the reproach of treachery from Dido's city. *** Book XI, lines 592–597<!--; spoken by [[w:Hanno the Elder|Hanno]].--> [[File:2006-01-14 Surface waves.jpg|thumb|So, when a pebble breaks the surface of a motionless pool, in its first movements it forms tiny rings; and next, while the water glints and shimmers under the growing force, it swells the number of the circles over the rounding pond, until at last one extended circle reaches with wide-spreading compass from bank to bank.]] * ''Sic, ubi perrupit stagnantem calculus undam,<br />exiguos format per prima volumina gyros,<br />mox tremulum uibrans motu gliscente liquorem<br />multiplicat crebros sinuati gurgitis orbes,<br />donec postremo laxatis circulus oris<br />contingat geminas patulo curuamine ripas.'' ** So, when a pebble breaks the surface of a motionless pool, in its first movements it forms tiny rings; and next, while the water glints and shimmers under the growing force, it swells the number of the circles over the rounding pond, until at last one extended circle reaches with wide-spreading compass from bank to bank. *** Book XIII, lines 24–29 *** Compare: **** As on the smooth expanse of crystal lakes<br />The sinking stone at first a circle makes;<br />The trembling surface, by the motion stirred,<br />Spreads in a second circle, then a third;<br />Wide, and more wide, the floating rings advance,<br />Fill all the watery plain, and to the margin dance. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Temple of Fame'', lines 436–441 **** As the small pebble stirs the peaceful lake:<br />The centre moved, a circle straight succeeds,<br />Another still, and still another spreads. ***** Alexander Pope, ''[[Essay on Man]]'', Ep. IV, lines 364–367 * ''Et deforme malum ac sceleri proclivis Egestas<br />Errorque infido gressu, et Discordia gaudens<br />permiscere fretum caelo.'' ** And Poverty, an unsightly plague that leads men to crime; Error, with staggering gait, and Discord that delights to confound sea with sky. *** Book XIII, lines 585–587 [[File:Vouet, Simon -- Allegory of Virtue - c. 1634.jpg|thumb|Virtue is indeed its own noblest reward.]] * ''Ipsa quidem virtus sibimet pulcherrima merces;<br />dulce tamen venit ad manis, cum gratia vitae<br />durat apud superos nec edunt oblivia laudem.'' ** [[Virtue]] is indeed its own noblest reward; yet the dead find it sweet, when the fame of their lives is remembered among the living and oblivion does not swallow up their praises. *** Book XIII, lines 663–665 * ''Subito cum pondere victus,<br />insiliente mari, summergitur alveus undis.<br />scuta virum cristaeque et inerti spicula ferro<br />tutelaeque deum fluitant.'' ** She gave way under the sudden weight, the sea rushed in, and the ''Io'' sank beneath the wave. Shields and helmets float on the water, images of tutelary gods and javelins with useless points. *** Book XIV, lines 540–543 * [''Virtutis''] ''dispar habitus: frons hirta nec umquam<br />composita mutata coma, stans vultus, et ore<br />incessuque viro propior laetique pudoris<br />celsa umeros niveae fulgebat stamine pallae. ** The appearance of [Virtue] was far different: her hair, seeking no borrowed charm from ordered locks, grew freely above her forehead; her eyes were steady; in face and gait she was more like a man; she showed a cheerful modesty; and her tall stature was set off by the snow-white robe she wore. *** Book XV, lines 28–31 * ''Mecum Honor ac Laudes et laeto Gloria vultu<br />et Decus ac niveis Victoria concolor alis.'' ** My attendants are Honour and Praise, Renown and Glory with joyful countenance, and Victory with snow-white wings like mine. *** Book XV, lines 98–99; spoken by Virtue. ==Quotes about Silius== [[File:Como - Dome - Facade - Plinius the Elder.jpg|thumb|He wrote poetry with greater diligence than talent.<br /> ~ [[Pliny the Younger]]]] [[File:Joseph Wright of Derby - Virgil's Tomb by Moonlight, with Silius Italicus - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|<nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Virgil]]'s] birthday he celebrated with more solemnity than his own, especially at Naples, where he used to approach his tomb with as much reverence as if it had been a temple.<br />~ [[Pliny the Younger]]]] * ''Perpetui numquam moritura volumina Sill.'' ** The deathless volumes of immortal Sily. *** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'', 7.63 * ''Silius haec magni celebrat monumenta Maronis,<br />jugera facundi qui Ciceronis habet.<br />Heredem dominumque sui tumulive larisve<br />non alium mallet nec Maro nec Cicero.'' ** Silius, who possesses the land which was eloquent [[Cicero]]'s, honours this monument of great [[Virgil|Maro]]. As heir and owner of his tomb or dwelling no other would either Maro or Cicero choose. *** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'', 11.48 * ''Jam prope desertos cineres et sancta Maronis<br />nomina qui coleret pauper et unus erat.<br />Silius optatae succurrere censuit umbrae,<br />et vates vatem non minor ipse colit.'' ** To honour the ashes, now wellnigh abandoned, and the sacred name of Maro was there but one, and he was poor. Silius resolved to rescue the regretted dead: and Silius—no less himself a poet—honours the bard. *** [[Martial]], equalling Silius to [[Virgil]], in ''Epigrams'', 11.49 * ''Scribebat carmina maiore cura quam ingenio.'' ** He wrote poetry with greater diligence than talent. *** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Letters'', 3.7.5 * [Virgil's] birthday he celebrated with more solemnity than his own, especially at Naples, where he used to approach his tomb with as much reverence as if it had been a temple. ** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Letters'', 3.7.8 * Finished Silius Italicus; for which Heaven be praised! [...] [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] must have read him before me. In the 'Temple of Fame,' and the '[[Essay on Criticism]],' are some touches plainly suggested by Silius. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], note dated December 24, 1835, in ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay'', ed. G. Otto Trevelyan, Vol. I (1875), Appendix, p. 410 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/silius.html Silius Italicus] at [[w:The Latin Library|The Latin Library]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:1st century births]] [[Category:2nd century deaths]] [[Category:Orators]] haoj34kji7fgwxmqedohxi6tnoy9pkh 3944355 3944354 2026-05-23T02:35:23Z DanielTom 608538 /* Punica */ add image 3944355 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Silius Italicus.jpg|thumb|Peace is the best thing that man may know; peace alone is better than a thousand triumphs.]] '''[[w:Silius Italicus|Silius Italicus]]''' (c. 28 – c. 103) was a [[w:Roman Empire|Roman]] [[w:Roman consul|consul]], [[w:orator|orator]], and [[w:Latin|Latin]] [[w:Epic poetry|epic poet]]. His only surviving work is the 17-book ''[[w:Punica (poem)|Punica]]'', an epic poem about the [[w:Second Punic War|Second Punic War]]. ==Quotes== === ''[[w:Punica (poem)|Punica]]'' === : <small>Silius Italicus, ''Punica'', trans. [[w:James Duff Duff|J. D. Duff]] (Loeb Classical Library, 1934)</small> [[File:Silius Italicus, Venice.jpg|thumb|Here I begin the war by which the fame of the Aeneadae was raised to heaven.]] * ''Ordior arma, quibus caelo se gloria tollit<br />Aeneadum, patiturque ferox Oenotria iura<br />Carthago.'' ** Here I begin the war by which the fame of the Aeneadae was raised to heaven and proud Carthage submitted to the rule of Italy. *** Book I, lines 1–3 [[File:Hasdrubal coin.jpg|thumb|He had the folly to believe that to be feared is glory.]] * ''Metui demens credebat honorem.'' ** He had the folly to believe that to be feared is glory. *** Book I, line 149 * ''Primus sumpsisse laborem.'' ** He was ever first to undertake hardship. *** Book I, line 242 * ''Ad limina sanctae<br />contendit Fidei secretaque pectora temptat.<br />arcanis dea laeta polo tum forte remoto<br />caelicolum magnas uoluebat conscia curas.<br />quam tali adloquitur Nemeae pacator honore:<br />'Ante Iouem generata, decus diuumque hominumque,<br />qua sine non tellus pacem, non aequora norunt,<br />iustitiae consors...' ** He took his way to the abode of sacred Loyalty, seeking to discover her hidden purpose. It chanced that the goddess, who loves solitude, was then in a distant region of heaven, pondering in her heart the high concerns of the gods. Then he who gave peace to Nemea accosted her thus with reverence: "Goddess more ancient than Jupiter, glory of gods and men, without whom neither sea nor land finds peace, sister of Justice..." *** Book II, lines 479–486 * ''Postquam oculos varia implevit virtutis imago,<br />mira dehinc cernit: surgentis mole profundi<br />injectum terris subitum mare nullaque circa<br />litora et infuso stagnantis aequore campos.<br />nam qua caeruleis Nereus evoluitur antris<br />atque imo freta contorquet Neptunia fundo, <br />proruptum exundat pelagus, caecosque relaxans<br />Oceanus fontis torrentibus ingruit undis.<br />tum uada, ceu saevo penitus permota tridenti,<br />luctantur terris tumefactum imponere pontum.<br />mox remeat gurges tractoque relabitur aestu,<br />ac ratis erepto campis deserta profundo,<br />et fusi transtris expectant aequora nautae.<br />Cymothoes ea regna vagae pelagique labores<br />Luna mouet, Luna, immissis per caerula bigis,<br />fertque refertque fretum, sequiturque reciproca Tethys.'' ** When Hannibal's eyes were sated with the picture of all that valour, he saw next a marvellous sight—the sea suddenly flung upon the land with the mass of the rising deep, and no encircling shores, and the fields inundated by the invading waters. For, where Nereus rolls forth from his blue caverns and churns up the waters of Neptune from the bottom, the sea rushes forward in flood, and Ocean, opening his hidden springs, rushes on with furious waves. Then the water, as if stirred to the depths by the fierce trident, strives to cover the land with the swollen sea. But soon the water turns and glides back with ebbing tide; and then the ships, robbed of the sea, are stranded, and the sailors, lying on their benches, await the waters' return. It is the Moon that stirs this realm of wandering Cymothoe and troubles the deep; the Moon, driving her chariot through the sky, draws the sea this way and that, and Tethys follows with ebb and flow. *** Book III, lines 45–60 [[File:1868, Mugeres célebres de España y Portugal, Himilce, AB195 0021 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Doubt not a woman's hardihood; no danger is too great for wedded love to face.]] * ''Crede vigori<br />femineo. Castum haud superat labor ullus amorem.'' ** Doubt not a woman's hardihood; no danger is too great for wedded love to face. *** Book III, lines 112–113 * ''Quoque magis subiere iugo atque euadere nisi<br />erexere gradum, crescit labor. ardua supra<br />sese aperit fessis et nascitur altera moles.'' ** The higher they climbed in their struggle to reach the top, the harder grew their toil. When one height had been mastered, a second opens and springs up before their aching sight. *** Book III, line 528–530 [[File:THE PASSAGE OF THE ALPS WAS EFFECTED UNDER MANY DIFFICULTIES.gif|thumb|Men leave arms and legs behind, severed by the frost, and the cruel cold cuts off the limbs already broken.]] * ''Abscisa relincunt<br />membra gelu, fractosque asper rigor amputat artus.'' ** Men leave arms and legs behind, severed by the frost, and the cruel cold cuts off the limbs already broken. *** Book III, line 552–553 * ''Blandoque veneno<br />desidiae virtus paulatim evicta senescit.'' ** And their manliness is slowly sapped and weakened by the seductive poison of indolence. *** Book III, lines 580–581 * ''Caeruleas Ticinus aquas et stagna uadoso<br />perspicuus seruat turbari nescia fundo<br />ac nitidum uiridi lente trahit amne liquorem.<br />uix credas labi: ripis tam mitis opacis<br />argutos inter uolucrum certamine cantus<br />somniferam ducit lucenti gurgite lympham.'' ** That crystal [[w:Ticino (river)|river]] keeps its pools of blue water free from all stain above its shallow bed, and slowly draws along its fair stream of greenish hue. One would scarce believe it was moving; so softly along its shady banks, while the birds sing sweet in rivalry, it leads along in a shining flood its waters that tempt to sleep. *** Book IV, lines 82–87 [[File:Schlacht bei Zama Gemälde H P Motte.jpg|thumb|Manhood is tested by trial.]] * ''Explorant adversa viros, perque aspera duro<br />nititur ad laudem virtus interrita clivo.'' ** Manhood is tested by trial, and valour climbs unterrified the rocky path and difficult ascent that leads to glory. *** Book IV, lines 603–604 [[File:Juno Sospita Statue.jpg|thumb|Make haste! The flood-tide of Fortune soon ebbs.]] * ''Pelle moras! Brevis est magni Fortuna favoris.'' ** Make haste! The flood-tide of Fortune soon ebbs. *** Book IV, line 732 * ''Bellandum est astu; leuior laus in duce dextrae.'' ** War calls for strategy: valour is less praiseworthy in a commander. *** Book V, line 100 [[File:Sylvestre Ducar decapite Flaminius (Trasimene).jpg|thumb|Groundless superstition ill becomes an army; Valour is the only deity that rules in the warrior's breast.]] * ''Deforme sub armis<br />vana superstitio est: dea sola in pectore Virtus<br />bellantum viget.'' ** Groundless superstition ill becomes an army; Valour is the only deity that rules in the warrior's breast. *** Book V, lines 125–127 * ''...ceu tigride cerva<br />Hyrcana cum pressa tremit, vel territa pennas<br />colligit accipitrem cernens in nube columba,<br />aut dumis subit, albenti si sensit in aethra<br />librantem nisus aquilam, lepus.'' ** Like a trembling hind pursued by a Hyrcanian tigress, or like a pigeon that checks her flight when she sees a hawk in the sky, or like a hare that dives into the thicket at sight of the eagle hovering with outstretched wings in the cloudless sky. *** Book V, lines 280–284 <!--[[File:Print, A serpent taken by the Romans under Regulus during Punic War, ca. 1595 (CH 18391973).jpg|thumb|Huge as the snakes that armed the Giants when they stormed heaven, or as the hydra that wearied Hercules by the waters of Lerna, or as Juno's snake that guarded the boughs with golden foliage.]]--> * ''Quantis armati caelum petiere Gigantes<br />anguibus, aut quantus Lernae lassavit in undis<br />Amphitryoniaden serpens, qualisque comantis<br />auro servauit ramos Junonius anguis.'' ** Huge as the snakes that armed the Giants when they stormed heaven, or as the hydra that wearied Hercules by the waters of Lerna, or as Juno's snake that guarded the boughs with golden foliage. *** Book VI, lines 181–184 * ''Haud secus ac stabulis procurans otia pastor<br />in foveam parco tectam velamine frondis<br />ducit nocte lupos positae balatibus agnae.'' ** Even so a shepherd, seeking safety for his flock, lures the wolves at night by the bleating of a tethered lamb into the pitfall masked by a slender covering of leafage. *** Book VI, lines 329–331 * ''Nec tam fugisse cauendo<br />aduersa egregium, quam perdomuisse ferendo.'' ** And he held it a nobler thing to conquer adversity by endurance than to avoid it by precaution. *** Book VI, lines 375–376 * ''Rarae fumant felicibus arae.'' ** Altars seldom smoke in prosperous times. *** Book VII, line 89 * ''Sicut aquae splendor radiatus lampade solis<br />dissultat per tecta uaga sub imagine uibrans<br />luminis et tremula laquearia uerberat umbra.'' ** Even so, when a sunbeam is reflected in water, the light flits to and fro through the room, quivering as the reflection moves, and strikes the ceiling with flickering shadow. *** Book VII, lines 142–145 *** Compare: **** ''Sicut aquae tremulum labris ubi lumen aenis<br />sole repercussum aut radiantis imagine lunae<br />omnia pervolitat late loca, iamque sub auras<br />erigitur summique ferit laquearia tecti.'' ***** As quick as flickering light<br />thrown off by water in bronze bowls reflects the sun<br />or radiant moon, now flittering near and far, now<br />rising to strike a ceiling's gilded fretwork. ***** [[Virgil]], ''[[Aeneid]]'' (19 BC), Book VIII, lines 22–25 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:N26FabiusCunctator.jpg|thumb|Inaction is safety in peril.]] * ''Aegris<br />nil mouisse salus rebus.'' ** Inaction is safety in peril. *** Book VII, lines 395–396 * ''Non umquam spem ponit amor.'' ** Love never abandons hope. *** Book VIII, line 85 * ''Mantua, Musarum domus atque ad sidera cantu<br />evecta Aonio et Smyrnaeis aemula plectris.'' ** [[w:Mantua|Mantua]], the home of the Muses, raised to the skies by immortal verse, and a match for the lyre of Homer. *** Book VIII, lines 593–594 [[File:Hannibal Slodtz Louvre MR2093.jpg|thumb|Victorious Carthage measures the downfall of Rome by all the heap of gold that was torn from the left hands of the slain.]] * ''Congesto laevae quodcumque avellitur auro<br />metitur Latias victrix Carthago ruinas.'' ** Victorious Carthage measures the downfall of Rome by all the heap of gold that was torn from the left hands of the slain. *** Book VIII, lines 675–676 *** Note: This refers to the mass of [[w:ring (jewellery)|rings]] Hannibal plundered from the Roman knights slain in the [[w:Battle of Cannae|Battle of Cannae]]. * ''Stat nulla diu mortalibus usquam,<br />Fortuna titubante, fides.'' ** Nowhere do men remain loyal for long when Fortune proves unstable. *** Book XI, lines 3–4 * ''At patulo surgens iam dudum ex aequore late<br />nauticus implebat resonantia litora clamor,<br />et simul adductis percussa ad pectora tonsis<br />centeno fractus spumabat verbere pontus.'' ** Then the shouting of the sailors, which had long been rising from the open sea, filled all the shore with its sound; and, when the rowers all together brought the oars back sharply to their breasts, the sea foamed under the stroke of a hundred blades. *** Book XI, lines 487–490 * ''Pax optima rerum<br />quas homini novisse datum est, pax una triumphis<br />innumeris potior, pax custodire salutem<br />et civis aequare potens revocetur in arcis<br />tandem Sidonias, et fama fugetur ab urbe<br />perfidiae, Phoenissa, tua.'' ** [[Peace]] is the best thing that man may know; peace alone is better than a thousand triumphs; peace has power to guard our lives and secure equality among fellow-citizens. Let us then after so long recall peace to the city of Carthage, and banish the reproach of treachery from Dido's city. *** Book XI, lines 592–597<!--; spoken by [[w:Hanno the Elder|Hanno]].--> [[File:2006-01-14 Surface waves.jpg|thumb|So, when a pebble breaks the surface of a motionless pool, in its first movements it forms tiny rings; and next, while the water glints and shimmers under the growing force, it swells the number of the circles over the rounding pond, until at last one extended circle reaches with wide-spreading compass from bank to bank.]] * ''Sic, ubi perrupit stagnantem calculus undam,<br />exiguos format per prima volumina gyros,<br />mox tremulum uibrans motu gliscente liquorem<br />multiplicat crebros sinuati gurgitis orbes,<br />donec postremo laxatis circulus oris<br />contingat geminas patulo curuamine ripas.'' ** So, when a pebble breaks the surface of a motionless pool, in its first movements it forms tiny rings; and next, while the water glints and shimmers under the growing force, it swells the number of the circles over the rounding pond, until at last one extended circle reaches with wide-spreading compass from bank to bank. *** Book XIII, lines 24–29 *** Compare: **** As on the smooth expanse of crystal lakes<br />The sinking stone at first a circle makes;<br />The trembling surface, by the motion stirred,<br />Spreads in a second circle, then a third;<br />Wide, and more wide, the floating rings advance,<br />Fill all the watery plain, and to the margin dance. ***** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Temple of Fame'', lines 436–441 **** As the small pebble stirs the peaceful lake:<br />The centre moved, a circle straight succeeds,<br />Another still, and still another spreads. ***** Alexander Pope, ''[[Essay on Man]]'', Ep. IV, lines 364–367 * ''Et deforme malum ac sceleri proclivis Egestas<br />Errorque infido gressu, et Discordia gaudens<br />permiscere fretum caelo.'' ** And Poverty, an unsightly plague that leads men to crime; Error, with staggering gait, and Discord that delights to confound sea with sky. *** Book XIII, lines 585–587 [[File:Vouet, Simon -- Allegory of Virtue - c. 1634.jpg|thumb|Virtue is indeed its own noblest reward.]] * ''Ipsa quidem virtus sibimet pulcherrima merces;<br />dulce tamen venit ad manis, cum gratia vitae<br />durat apud superos nec edunt oblivia laudem.'' ** [[Virtue]] is indeed its own noblest reward; yet the dead find it sweet, when the fame of their lives is remembered among the living and oblivion does not swallow up their praises. *** Book XIII, lines 663–665 * ''Subito cum pondere victus,<br />insiliente mari, summergitur alveus undis.<br />scuta virum cristaeque et inerti spicula ferro<br />tutelaeque deum fluitant.'' ** She gave way under the sudden weight, the sea rushed in, and the ''Io'' sank beneath the wave. Shields and helmets float on the water, images of tutelary gods and javelins with useless points. *** Book XIV, lines 540–543 * [''Virtutis''] ''dispar habitus: frons hirta nec umquam<br />composita mutata coma, stans vultus, et ore<br />incessuque viro propior laetique pudoris<br />celsa umeros niveae fulgebat stamine pallae. ** The appearance of [Virtue] was far different: her hair, seeking no borrowed charm from ordered locks, grew freely above her forehead; her eyes were steady; in face and gait she was more like a man; she showed a cheerful modesty; and her tall stature was set off by the snow-white robe she wore. *** Book XV, lines 28–31 * ''Mecum Honor ac Laudes et laeto Gloria vultu<br />et Decus ac niveis Victoria concolor alis.'' ** My attendants are Honour and Praise, Renown and Glory with joyful countenance, and Victory with snow-white wings like mine. *** Book XV, lines 98–99; spoken by Virtue. ==Quotes about Silius== [[File:Como - Dome - Facade - Plinius the Elder.jpg|thumb|He wrote poetry with greater diligence than talent.<br /> ~ [[Pliny the Younger]]]] [[File:Joseph Wright of Derby - Virgil's Tomb by Moonlight, with Silius Italicus - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|<nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Virgil]]'s] birthday he celebrated with more solemnity than his own, especially at Naples, where he used to approach his tomb with as much reverence as if it had been a temple.<br />~ [[Pliny the Younger]]]] * ''Perpetui numquam moritura volumina Sill.'' ** The deathless volumes of immortal Sily. *** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'', 7.63 * ''Silius haec magni celebrat monumenta Maronis,<br />jugera facundi qui Ciceronis habet.<br />Heredem dominumque sui tumulive larisve<br />non alium mallet nec Maro nec Cicero.'' ** Silius, who possesses the land which was eloquent [[Cicero]]'s, honours this monument of great [[Virgil|Maro]]. As heir and owner of his tomb or dwelling no other would either Maro or Cicero choose. *** [[Martial]], ''Epigrams'', 11.48 * ''Jam prope desertos cineres et sancta Maronis<br />nomina qui coleret pauper et unus erat.<br />Silius optatae succurrere censuit umbrae,<br />et vates vatem non minor ipse colit.'' ** To honour the ashes, now wellnigh abandoned, and the sacred name of Maro was there but one, and he was poor. Silius resolved to rescue the regretted dead: and Silius—no less himself a poet—honours the bard. *** [[Martial]], equalling Silius to [[Virgil]], in ''Epigrams'', 11.49 * ''Scribebat carmina maiore cura quam ingenio.'' ** He wrote poetry with greater diligence than talent. *** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Letters'', 3.7.5 * [Virgil's] birthday he celebrated with more solemnity than his own, especially at Naples, where he used to approach his tomb with as much reverence as if it had been a temple. ** [[Pliny the Younger]], ''Letters'', 3.7.8 * Finished Silius Italicus; for which Heaven be praised! [...] [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] must have read him before me. In the 'Temple of Fame,' and the '[[Essay on Criticism]],' are some touches plainly suggested by Silius. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay, 1st Baron Macaulay|Thomas Babington Macaulay]], note dated December 24, 1835, in ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay'', ed. G. Otto Trevelyan, Vol. I (1875), Appendix, p. 410 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/silius.html Silius Italicus] at [[w:The Latin Library|The Latin Library]] [[Category:Poets from Rome]] [[Category:1st century births]] [[Category:2nd century deaths]] [[Category:Orators]] 3i7xr9ht4b3j2bj1m4dgajmenu5htms 0 176292 3944432 3940654 2026-05-23T11:09:29Z GrimRob 1187925 /* From football figures */ link 3944432 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Leo messi barce 2005.jpg|thumb|right|upright|Messi, at age 18, playing against Málaga in 2005]] '''[[w:Lionel Messi|Lionel Andrés Messi Cuccittini]]''' (born [[24 June]] [[1987]]) is an Argentine professional [[w:Association football|footballer]] who plays as a [[w:Forward (association football)|forward]] for [[w:Major League Soccer|Major League Soccer]] club [[w:Inter Miami CF|Inter Miami]] and the [[w:Argentina national football team|Argentina national team]]. == Quotes == * Diego is Diego and for me he is the greatest player of all time. Even after a million years I am not even going to be close to Maradona. I have no intention of comparing myself with Maradona - I want to make my own history for something I have achieved. ** Response to the [[w:Diego Maradona|Maradona]] comparisons, 2010 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/players/lionel-messi/7527633/Barcelonas-Lionel-Messi-says-he-will-never-be-as-good-as-Diego-Maradona.html] * It doesn't matter if I am better than Cristiano Ronaldo, all that matters is that Barcelona are better than Madrid. ** After scoring four goals against [[w:Arsenal F.C.|Arsenal]], 2011 [http://www.taringa.net/posts/deportes/12977787/Grandes-frases-de-y-sobre-Messi.html] * Ronaldo (Brazilian footballer) was my hero. He was the best forward I've ever seen. He was so fast that he could score a goal from nothing and he struck the ball better than anyone I've seen. ** Interview with [[w:FourFourTwo|FourFourTwo]], 2012 [http://www.fourfourtwo.com/news/messi-brazil-striker-ronaldo-my-hero] * Being a dad changes everything for the better and I’m really enjoying it. ** Interview with [[w:Torneos y Competencias|TyC Sports]], 2014 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/101179/messi-being-a-dad-changes-everything-for-the-better/] * Barcelona gave me everything, they took a chance on me when nobody else would. I never have any desire to play for anybody else, I will be here for as long as they want me. ** Interview with [[w:ShortList|ShortList]], 2015 [http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/sport/lionel-messi-talks-champions-league-copa-america] * [Becoming a father] has changed everything. He [Thiago] comes first then everything else. It has also changed the way I see a match. Before if I lost or did something wrong I didn't talk to anyone for three or four days, until it passed. Now, I come home after a game, I see my son and everything is alright. ** Interview with [[w:CONMEBOL|CONMEBOL]], 2015 [http://www.conmebol.com/en/04132015-2140/messi-being-father-has-helped-me-grow-and-think-life-there-are-other-things-besides] *I love to see T-shirts or flags with [[Che Guevara]], [[Diego Maradona|Diego [Maradona]]] and Argentina anywhere in the world. It gives me a beautiful feeling. ** [https://www.batimes.com.ar/news/argentina/we-must-fight-to-correct-inequality-says-messi-in-rare-political-interview.phtml?fb_comment_id=2079723078818062_2652111718245859 ‘We must fight to correct inequality,’ says Messi in rare political interview], Buenos Aires Times. *I will never go to trial against Barça because it is the club that I love, which has given me everything since I arrived here. It's the club of my life, I made my life here. [https://www.naijanews247.com/watch-full-messi-interview-announces-he-remains-at-barca/ Messi interview with Goal, announced he remains at Barca - NAIJANEWS247] September 4, 2020. * I never set out to be the best player in history. I think I'm just another footballer. On the pitch we are all the same and when the game starts I always try to improve myself. My intention is that when I retire, I will be remembered for being a good person. ** [https://www.tbsnews.net/sports/qatar-world-cup-will-be-my-last-lionel-messi-509530 "Qatar World Cup will be my last: Lionel Messi", ''TBS News'' (6 October 2022)] *I knew that at some point God was going to give it to me and I don't know why, but I felt it was going to be like this. Once again he made me very happy. ** [https://www.marca.com/en/world-cup/2022/12/18/639f867e46163f5a628b4616.html After lifting the World Cup trophy ] 18 December 2022 *In football as in watchmaking, talent and elegance mean nothing without rigour and precision"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *You have to keep working hard and playing well because people will start to forget what you have done before if you don’t"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *When you lose, you get up, you make mistakes and you learn. And then you become a better player"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *The day you think there is no improvement to be made, is a sad one"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I’m never satisfied. I always push my limits and try to get better every day"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *Every year I try to grow as a player and not get stuck in a rut. I try to improve my game in every way possible. But that trait is not something I've worked on, it's part of me"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *You cannot allow your desire to be a winner to be diminished by achieving success before and I believe there is room for improvement in every sportsman"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I always try to improve and score more goals. I want to be the best."[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I always want more. Whether it’s a goal, or winning a game, I always want to improve."[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *My ambition is always to get better and better"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *For my part, I try to do my bit to make people's lives more bearable, in particular children across the globe who are having problems"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing a happy and smiling child. I always help in any way I can, even if it’s just by signing an autograph. A child’s smile is worth more than all the money in the world"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *Sometimes you have to accept you can't win all the time"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I never think about the play or visualize anything. I do what comes to me at that moment. Instinct. It has always been that way"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *There are more important things in life than winning or losing a game"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *The best decisions aren’t made with your mind, but with your instinct"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *Allow yourselves to dream and then chase after those dreams. That will always require effort and sacrifice, but be persistent!”[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *Money is not a motivating factor. Money doesn't thrill me or make me play better because there are benefits to being wealthy. I'm just happy with a ball at my feet. My motivation comes from playing the game I love. If I wasn't paid to be a professional footballer I would willingly play for nothing."[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *"I always thought I wanted to play professionally, and I always knew that to do that I’d have to make a lot of sacrifices."[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I made sacrifices by leaving Argentina, leaving my family to start a new life. I changed my friends, my people."[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *Everything. But everything I did, I did for football, to achieve my dream"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *You have to fight to reach your dream. You have to sacrifice and work hard for it"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I have fun like a child in the street. When the day comes when I'm not enjoying it, I will leave football"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *You can overcome anything, if and only if you love something enough"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I've always really just liked football, and I've always devoted a lot of time to it. When I was a kid, my friends would call me to go out with them, but I would stay home because I had practice the next day"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I start early, and I stay late, day after day, year after year, it took me 17 years and 114 days to become an overnight success"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I always thought that if you want to be the best, you have to work harder than everyone else"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I prefer to win titles with the team ahead of individual awards or scoring more goals than anyone else. I'm more worried about being a good person than being the best football player in the world. When all this is over, what are you left with? When I retire, I hope I am remembered for being a decent guy"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] *I'm lucky to be part of a team who help to make me look good, and they deserve as much of the credit for my success as I do for the hard work we have all put in on the training ground"[https://jobsinfootball.com/blog/lionel-messi-quotes/] == Quotes about Messi == === From current footballers === * In the semi-final Messi showed he's the top man. He is only 20 as well, imagine how good he will be in the next 10 years. I'd love to play alongside him. ** [[w:Joe Cole|Joe Cole]], 2008 [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/c/chelsea/7401762.stm] * He is from another planet. He is the main point of reference and the key man in the whole Barça team. ** [[w:Carlos Tévez|Carlos Tévez]], 2008 [http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/europe/7358172.stm] * I'm not sure he is human. ** [[w:Ander Herrera|Ander Herrera]], 2010 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2010/mar/22/leo-messi-barcelona-la-liga-spain] * To me, Messi is the greatest player in the world right now. He has got a fantastic vision of the game, and what he can do technically - it's just crazy. The things he can do with the ball - and at pace and top speed - is just amazing. What decides it for me is not his many goals, although his goal account is impressive, but the thing is that he can do so much for his team. What counts is the total amount of his many, many qualities. He is just the greatest. ** [[w:Nicklas Bendtner|Nicklas Bendtner]], 2010 [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1262224/Lionel-Messi-worlds-best-Arsenal-scupper-Barcelona-insists-Nicklas-Bendtner.html] * Messi is the best and cannot be compared to anyone. Messi cannot be compared to anything. ** [[w:César Sánchez|César Sánchez]], 2010 [http://www.elmundo.es/elmundodeporte/2010/03/22/futbol/1269260204.html] * When you face him you have to make decisions in an instant. When he approaches you, you have to make the sign of the cross and pray that everything will be alright. ** [[w:Thiago Silva|Thiago Silva]], 2011 [http://www.football-italia.net/node/13081] * I’ve always said Messi is the best player in the world. ** [[w:Neymar|Neymar]], 2011 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/5523/neymar-messi-is-the-best-in-the-world/] * Although he may not be human, it's good that Messi still thinks he is. ** [[w:Javier Mascherano|Javier Mascherano]], 2012 [http://www.goal.com/en-gb/news/3277/la-liga/2012/05/06/3084331/although-messi-may-not-be-human-its-good-he-still-thinks-he] * Messi is God, as a person and even more as a player. ** [[w:Samuel Eto'o|Samuel Eto'o]], 2012 [http://www.marca.com/2012/12/11/en/football/barcelona/1355261391.html] * People often say to me they saw Pele and Maradona play. In the future, I will be able to say I saw Messi play. ** [[w:Thiago Alcântara|Thiago Alcântara]], 2012 [http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/lionel-messi-hailed-world-treasure-3307492] * There is no doubt, you're from another galaxy. Thanks Leo. ** [[w:Maxi Rodríguez|Maxi Rodríguez]], 2012 [https://twitter.com/mr11ok/status/177512610789474304] * Messi is a joke. For me, the best ever. ** [[w:Wayne Rooney|Wayne Rooney]], 2012 [https://twitter.com/waynerooney/status/177501243822968833] * Is Messi playing in the Champions League or is he playing a Playstation game? ** [[w:Radamel Falcao|Radamel Falcao]], 2012 [https://twitter.com/falcao/status/177508905629388800] * He plays like he’s on PlayStation, it’s unbelievable. People who say otherwise either don’t know anything about football or are just talking nonsense. ** [[w:Zlatan Ibrahimovic|Zlatan Ibrahimovic]], 2012 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/34205/ibrahimovic-admits-messi-should-win-ballon-dor/]{{deadlink|date=November 2018}} * Leo is from another planet. What makes him the best is that other great players have had ups and downs, like Maradona. He wasn’t half of what Leo is at Barça. Messi has had so many good years in his career that he deserves to be considered the best ever. ** [[w:Gerard Piqué|Gerard Piqué]], 2012 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/28669/pique-ronaldo-is-the-best-among-humans-but-messi-is-from-another-planet/] * Messi does not need his right foot. He only uses the left and he's still the best in the world! Imagine if he also used his right foot ... Then we would have serious problems! ** [[w:Zlatan Ibrahimovic|Zlatan Ibrahimovic]], 2012 [http://www.goal.com/en-us/news/174/uefa-champions-league/2012/04/02/3009799/ibrahimovic-messi-is-all-talent-while-ronaldo-is-a-product] * For years I thought that there would never be a player like Maradona. But now Messi is at his level. ** [[w:Pablo Aimar|Pablo Aimar]], 2012 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2012/mar/08/lionel-messi-five-goals] * It’s something for me that I can tell my kids that I’ve played against Messi when we watch him on television. For me he’s got everything. He is magical to watch. When I finish and look back, and he will still be going strong, I will be able to say to myself I tested myself against the best. And quite clearly, for me, he is the best ever. He’s a great individual player but a great person as well and a credit to football. ** [[w:John Terry|John Terry]], 2012 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/chelsea/9189675/John-Terry-playing-through-the-pain-barrier-for-double-chasing-Chelseas-cause.html] * I am not crazy enough to compare myself with Messi because he is the best there ever was and the best there will ever be. ** [[w:Mario Gómez|Mario Gómez]], 2012 [http://www.firstpost.com/sports/if-barcelona-have-messi-then-bayern-have-gomez-276195.html] * He's a once in a generation player. I think it's unlikely that any human being again will repeat the numbers that Messi is getting. ** [[w:Gianluigi Buffon|Gianluigi Buffon]], 2012 [http://www.goal.com/en/news/10/italy/2012/12/29/3636448/buffon-believes-juventus-team-mate-pirlo-is-same-quality-as] * He's been by far and away the best footballer in the world for the last five or six years. He's the best player of all time and if he stays fit he will continue for the next five or six years. The things he does right now are out of this world. Of course, he doesn't play by himself, but he is simply incredible. He always finds a way and is always a yard quicker than everyone else. If you have a player like that on your side, you needn't fear anyone. ** [[w:Josip Šimunić|Josip Šimunić]], 2012 [https://web.archive.org/web/20140709015241/http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/news/y=2012/m=12/news=simunic-messi-the-best-all-time-1967479.html] * I think Messi is the best in the world, a very good player and that he is a gift from god. ** [[w:Keylor Navas|Keylor Navas]], 2013 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/72324/navas-messi-is-the-best/] * He is by far the best player in the world – he’s a one-off. ** [[w:Fabricio Coloccini|Fabricio Coloccini]], 2013 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/90467/coloccini-messi-is-by-far-the-best-player-in-the-world/] * Messi is class. There is him, and then there is the rest. What he does is extraordinary. He demands admiration. ** [[w:Franck Ribéry|Franck Ribéry]], 2013 [http://www.goal.com/en-india/news/3753/germany/2013/04/21/3920652/ribery-messi-is-in-a-class-of-his-own] * Messi is the best, for me, Messi is God, he is the best and always will be – for what he has given the team and for how much he has made me enjoy being in the same team as him. ** [[w:Victor Valdés|Victor Valdés]], 2013 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/86728/valdes-messi-is-god/] * It's the efficiency that made the difference. Messi is fantastic, the best player ever. ** [[w:David Luiz|David Luiz]], 2014 [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2869764/Lionel-Messi-best-player-believes-PSG-defender-David-Luiz.html] * Lionel Messi is out of this world, he's an alien. For me, he is the best player in the history of football. ** [[w:Arda Turan|Arda Turan]], 2014 [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/european/lionel-messi-is-an-alien-says-arda-turan-following-atletico-madrids-draw-with-barcelona-9054454.html] * Messi is God – you see him on the pitch and he is spectacular. ** [[w:Koke (footballer, born 1992)|Koke]], 2014 [http://as.com/diarioas/2014/10/08/english/1412767972_921851.html] * Messi is unbelievable. It is great to get the chance to play against the best in the world. It doesn't really need repeating: he is a fantastic player. ** [[w:Niklas Moisander|Niklas Moisander]], 2014 [http://www.uefa.com/uefachampionsleague/news/newsid=1997197.html] * Lionel Messi. Oh... I think this guy is fantastic. He’s the best player I have ever seen in my life. ** [[w:Alex Song|Alex Song]], 2014 [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2830821/Lionel-Messi-best-player-world-s-nearly-won-wants-says-Alex-Song.html] * Needless to repeat, that he’s the best player in the world, the best of all-time. I enjoy training with him, he makes everything easier. ** [[w:Ivan Rakitić|Ivan Rakitić]], 2014 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/121875/rakitic-messi-makes-everything-easier/] * He's the best of all time. ** [[w:David Silva|David Silva]], 2014 [http://www.sportskeeda.com/football/lionel-messi-best-footballer-all-time-manchester-city-david-silva] * Messi has always been my idol. ** [[w:Lucas Moura|Lucas Moura]], 2015 [http://futbol.as.com/futbol/2015/04/13/champions/1428888965_431999.html] * He's achieved so many great things and set the bar so high that practically nobody is ever going to reach it. ** [[w:Mario Götze|Mario Götze]], 2015 [http://www.marca.com/en/2015/02/11/en/football/international_football/1423676088.html] * Messi is the best player in the world. We'd have to kidnap him to stop him. ** [[w:Juan Bernat|Juan Bernat]], 2015 [http://www.mundodeportivo.com/futbol/fc-barcelona/20150507/2019996864/bernat-habria-que-secuestrar-a-messi.html] * It's impossible to control Leo for 90 minutes. ** [[w:Mehdi Benatia|Mehdi Benatia]], 2015 [http://www.mundodeportivo.com/futbol/fc-barcelona/20150507/2019996864/bernat-habria-que-secuestrar-a-messi.html] * Messi is an alien, that dedicates himself to playing with humans. ** [[w:Gianluigi Buffon|Gianluigi Buffon]], 2015 [http://www.sport-english.com/en/news/barca/gianluigi-buffon-hope-this-weekend-lionel-messi-from-earth-like-4237272] * Messi is so talented that 70% of the goals I scored at Barça came from his boots. With him in your team, you're calm. ** [[w:David Villa|David Villa]], 2015 [http://futbol.as.com/futbol/2015/06/15/internacional/1434387793_037035.html] * Having him as a rival is complicated. You see game after game that it is impossible to take the ball off him, impossible to stop him. There are no words to decribe his talent. For me, and as others have said, he is from another planet. ** [[w:Ángel Di María|Ángel Di María]], 2015 [http://www.ca2015.com/es/news/cambiaria-todo-lo-que-gane-por-ganar-algo-con-la-seleccion/1pdxyo8fdviy71oozljvpurbw0] * Messi is out of this world. He is a special player and you can't compare him to me. It would be unfair to him. ** [[w:James Rodríguez|James Rodríguez]], 2015 [http://www.sport-english.com/en/news/world-football/messi-out-this-world-says-colombias-james-4296528] * It's a gift. I haven’t seen any other player, at least during my career, who plays like Messi does. For me that makes him the best footballer in the world. ** [[w:Edinson Cavani|Edinson Cavani]], 2015 [http://www.goal.com/nike5aside/cavani/en] * For me, he's the best player in the world. That's football. Defending Messi one-on-one is not possible. ** [[w:Jérôme Boateng|Jérôme Boateng]], 2015 [http://www.espnfc.com/bayern-munich/story/2502318/jerome-boateng-laughs-about-lionel-messi-backs-pep-guardiola] * Messi is the best player of all time, and today he had a stormer. ** [[w:Vitolo (footballer, born 1989)|Vitolo]], 2015 [https://twitter.com/ChampionsLeague/status/631219698336690176] * I think Messi's just beyond everyone else. ** [[w:Massimo Luongo|Massimo Luongo]], 2015 [http://www.goal.com/en-gb/news/3277/la-liga/2015/10/18/16272522/messi-deserves-ballon-dor-ahead-of-record-breaking-ronaldo] * The best striker I have ever faced? Lionel Messi. It has always been Messi. ** [[w:Iker Casillas|Iker Casillas]], 2015 [http://www.uefa.com/uefachampionsleague/news/newsid=2294458.html] * The best player ever? Lionel Messi. ** [[w:İlkay Gündoğan|İlkay Gündoğan]], 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o8wuLzLxSU] * The best player ever? Lionel Messi. ** [[w:Marco Reus|Marco Reus]], 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDmeUKh3Hos] Eden Hazard:There is only one G.O.A.T: Him, Lionel Messi! * I spent four beautiful years with Messi at Barcelona. He is an exceptional player. I'm very happy that he was my teammate. ** [[w:Ousmane Dembélé|Ousmane Dembélé]], December 2022 [https://twitter.com/barcauniversal/status/1603803249009725441] === From former footballers === * This award says I’m the best player in the world, but I’m not even the best player at Barcelona. ** [[w:Ronaldinho|Ronaldinho]], 2006 [http://www.espnfc.com/story/359600] * I have seen the player who will inherit my place in Argentine football and his name is Messi. Messi is a genius and he can become an even better player. His potential is limitless and I think he’s got everything it takes to become Argentina’s greatest player. ** [[w:Diego Maradona|Diego Maradona]], 2008 [http://www.fifa.com/tournaments/archive/mensolympic/beijing2008/news/newsid=822737/index.html] * He deserves 10 out of 10 for doing what he does. ** [[w:Johan Cruyff|Johan Cruyff]], 2008 [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2008-08-01/lionel-messi-grand-stage-for-argentine-show-stopper/460852] * I see Messi every time he grabs the ball and accelerates. But he is shy, like a little brother who likes to hang out with PlayStation rather than talk. We must protect him. I'd personally put him in a drawer of my bedside table. ** [[w:Juan Sebastián Verón|Juan Sebastián Verón]], 2008 [http://www.uefa.com/news/newsid=643796.html] * The other day I saw one of his games. He was running with the ball at a hundred percent full speed, I don’t know how many touches he took, maybe five or six, but the ball was glued to his foot. It’s practically impossible. ** [[w:Raúl (footballer)|Raúl]], 2008 [http://www.ibnlive.com/news/india/would-watch-messi-over-ronaldo-says-raul-303939.html] * Nobody was so wonderful at 19 years, neither Pele nor Maradona. ** [[w:Karl-Heinz Rummenigge|Karl-Heinz Rummenigge]], 2008 [http://www.dailynews.com/sports/20100511/green-world-cup-could-be-messi-situation] * Leo floats over the field - sometimes you have the sensation he's not even there, that he's hiding. But he's there and the rival knows it. ** [[w:Johan Cruyff|Johan Cruyff]], 2010 [http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/15964/6081569/quotes-of-the-week] * Messi is out of this planet, I would say he is so far ahead of the rest of the players playing right now and I would say historically as well. There are not words to describe him. ** [[w:Ossie Ardilles|Ossie Ardilles]], 2010 [http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/15964/6081569/quotes-of-the-week] * Once they said they can only stop me with a pistol, but today you need a machine gun to stop him. ** [[w:Hristo Stoichkov|Hristo Stoichkov]], 2010 [http://uk.reuters.com/article/2010/04/12/uk-soccer-bulgaria-stoichkov-idUKTRE63B1DO20100412] * For me, to watch Messi play is a pleasure – it's like having an orgasm – it's an incredible pleasure. ** [[w:Luís Figo|Luís Figo]], 2010 [http://www.rtve.es/deportes/20100419/figo-culpa-sera-dios-del-entrenador/328132.shtml] * When I see Messi playing, I think he should win the Ballon d'Or every year. I have no doubt. He is an unbelievable player. ** [[w:Paolo Maldini|Paolo Maldini]], 2010 [http://www.sport.es/es/noticias/barca/20101122/maldini-messi-deberia-ganar-balon-oro-cada-ano/813568.shtml] * The ball stays glued to his foot; I’ve seen great players in my career, but I’ve never seen anyone with Messi's ball control. ** [[w:Diego Maradona|Diego Maradona]], 2010 [http://archiviostorico.corriere.it/2010/aprile/08/Controllo_corsa_tocco_palla_Perche_co_9_100408088.shtml] * He is probably the best player of the last 20 years. He is such a slippery player. Because of his height and quickness he is difficult to pin down and his balance is exceptional. ** [[w:Ryan Giggs|Ryan Giggs]], 2011 [http://www.tribalfootball.com/articles/barcelona-s-messi-best-player-last-20-years-man-utd-s-giggs-1880781] * He is an exceptional talent. I still think Diego Maradona is the best player I have ever seen – but Messi is closing in fast. He's a wonderful sight in full flight and we are lucky to have him around. ** [[w:Ruud Gullit|Ruud Gullit]], 2011 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/players/lionel-messi/7537718/Barcelona-v-Arsenal-what-theyre-saying-about-Lionel-Messi.html] * Leo is a virtuoso. He does things with the ball that just seem impossible. He's got great ability. His control of the ball when he is running at high speed is excellent. He has a superb shot. There is precision in his passing. To summarise... he's got everything. He has every single attribute you would want to find in a player. ** [[w:Sergio Batista|Sergio Batista]], 2011 [http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/jonathanstevenson/2011/05/messi_chat.html] * If Gary Lineker is saying that Messi is making him realise just how sh*t he was — then imagine how the rest of us feel. ** [[wikipedia:Julio_Salinas|Julio Salinas]], 2012 [https://footiecentral.com/top-100-quotes-on-lionel-messi/ <nowiki>[156]</nowiki>] * My record stood for 40 years - 85 goals in 60 games - and now the best player in the world has broken it, and I'm delighted for him. He is an incredible player, gigantic. ** [[w:Gerd Müller|Gerd Müller]], 2012 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/players/lionel-messi/9734839/Lionel-Messi-hailed-as-incredible-and-gigantic-by-Gerd-Muller-after-Barcelona-star-breaks-record-for-most-goals.html] * Technically, we’re practically at the same level. ** [[w:Pele|Pele]], 2012, [https://www.thestar.com/sports/soccer/2012/01/20/leo_messi_pales_in_comparison_with_pele_says_pele.html] * His control and technique while going at full speed is unique in the world. ** [[w:Sandro Mazzola|Sandro Mazzola]], 2012 [http://www.uefa.com/community/news/newsid=1908027.html] * Messi will be the player to win the most Ballons d'Or in history. He will win five, six, seven. He is incomparable. He's in a different league. ** [[w:Johan Cruyff|Johan Cruyff]], 2012 [http://www.foxsports.com.au/football/barcelona-superstar-lionel-messi-worlds-best-football-player-wins-third-successive-ballon-dor/story-e6frf423-1226240395287?nk=b2e2ed0f4c02ab457e62688f03e06388] * For me, Messi is the greatest. I played with Romario, Rivaldo, Ronaldo, Michael Laudrup and Stoichkov but Messi is the best I’ve seen. He has evolved in a way that nobody could expect. ** [[w:Albert Ferrer|Albert Ferrer]], 2012 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/chelsea/9215314/Albert-Ferrer-fears-Chelsea-could-be-pulled-apart-by-Lionel-Messis-Barcelona-on-sprawling-Nou-Camp-pitch.html] * When it comes down to natural talent there’s no one who’s at Messi’s level. ** [[w:Willy Sagnol|Willy Sagnol]], 2012 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/28251/sagnol-convinced-messi-is-untouchable/] * Messi is better than Maradona; he is more complete, more consistent, more spectacular. He is reinventing the game – a mix of the real and the virtual. ** [[w:Tostão|Tostão]], 2012 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2012/mar/08/lionel-messi-five-goals] * Messi is better than Maradona and Pelé. Every week he shows that he is capable of things that no one had done until now. Messi defies the laws of anatomy, he must have an extra bone in his ankle. ** [[w:Carlos Bianchi|Carlos Bianchi]], 2012 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2012/mar/08/lionel-messi-five-goals] * I can't believe anyone can have played the game of football as well as Messi. ** [[w:Michael Owen|Michael Owen]], 2012 [https://twitter.com/themichaelowen/status/177506734632484864] * I think now he’s probably done more than most players. But he is in the same class as Alfredo de Stefano, Johan Cruyff, Pelé. When he finishes and he retires, he will automatically become one of them. A player that people will talk about forever, while the game of football is as good and as popular as it is. He is a sensational player. ** [[w:Bobby Charlton|Sir Bobby Charlton]], 2013 [http://www.laureus.com/news/interview-sir-bobby-charlton] * Messi is simply the best player in the world. Messi is alone in his class as a player, it is impossible that there is another like him. ** [[w:David Beckham|David Beckham]], 2013 [http://www.espnfc.com/story/1410228/david-beckham-cristiano-ronaldo-is-not-at-lionel-messis-level] * Messi is the best player I've ever seen, better than Maradona and Cruyff combined. ** [[w:Marcial Pina|Marcial Pina]], 2013 [http://www.lne.es/deportes/2013/06/21/messi-mejor-cruyff-maradona/1431082.html] * Messi is Maradona every day. He has played at the level of Maradona in 1986 for the past five years. ** [[w:Jorge Valdano|Jorge Valdano]], 2013 [http://es.fifa.com/world-match-centre/news/newsid/219/194/9/index.html] * I can only repeat what I have already said before and that is that Messi is the best in the world at the moment. It pains me to admit it, but it’s the simple truth. ** [[w:Guti (footballer)|José Guti]], 2013 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/77070/guti-messi-is-the-best/] * Newton and Einstein also had a certain level of autism. I hope that like them, Messi surpasses himself every day and continues giving us his beautiful brand of football. ** [[w:Romário|Romário]], 2013 [http://www.marca.com/2013/09/09/en/football/barcelona/1378751117.html] * What’s really incredible is his consistency. It’s practically inhuman to keep going like him. What Messi has achieved, far outweighs what Cristiano has done. ** [[wikipedia:Santiago_Solari|Santiago Solari]], 2013 [http://www.goal.com/en-gb/news/3277/la-liga/2013/03/02/3792291/messis-performances-practically-inhuman-says-solari <nowiki>[155]</nowiki>] * When Messi has the ball at his feet he can do things that you can’t imagine. ** [[w:Javier Zanetti|Javier Zanetti]], 2013 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/89425/zanetti-ronaldo-is-good-but-messi-is-the-best/] * There is only one player who is doing things that I could never do and that is Messi. ** [[w:Francesco Totti|Francesco Totti]], 2013 [http://sports.yahoo.com/news/totti-only-messi-better-092500661--sow.html]{{deadlink}} * He's the great player of this generation, like there were great players in other generations. ** [[w:Michel Platini|Michel Platini]], 2013 [http://vietnamnews.vn/print/219567/football-platini-lauds-ballon-dor-successor-messi.htm] * Messi produces more pieces of exceptional skill in a single game than I managed in an entire career. ** [[w:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]], 2014 [https://twitter.com/GaryLineker/status/443858708465221632] * Messi is a genius. He has everything. When I watch him I see a player who is very, very skilful, very clever and his left foot is like Diego Maradona's. ** [[w:Franz Beckenbauer|Franz Beckenbauer]], 2014 [http://uk.reuters.com/article/2014/11/22/uk-soccer-spain-messi-idUKKCN0J60Q820141122] * Big congratulations to Messi, the magician, the artist, the genius. What more words can I use to describe this guy? Twenty-seven years old and broken the Champions League record from Raúl. Possibly one of the hardest players I’ve played against in my time in the game. The left foot. It’s beautiful. At the moment this guy’s taking liberties with everyone. ** [[w:Rio Ferdinand|Rio Ferdinand]], 2014 [http://www.squawka.com/news/rio-ferdinand-hails-genius-lionel-messi-after-he-breaks-champions-league-record/231164] * There's a special part of Messi's brain allowing him to see the split-second chaos of football in his own personal super slow motion. ** [[w:Carles Puyol|Carles Puyol]], 2014 [http://m.espn.go.com/soccer/blogs/blogpost?w=1f8ef&i=TOP&id=2088115&topslot=1&wjb=] * Messi is really a different class. To win four consecutive Ballon d'Ors is a great achievement. ** [[w:Ronaldo|Ronaldo]], 2014 [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/sports/football/world-cup-2014/interviews/Fit-Neymar-can-win-the-World-Cup-for-us-Ronaldo/articleshow/36331745.cms] * The Messi of the early years was a phenomenon, but he always wanted to finish off the move. Now he goes past one, two or three players and is happy to give an assist to a team-mate - it makes him more dangerous and more difficult to stop than ever before. ** [[w:Michael Laudrup|Michael Laudrup]], 2014 [http://www.goal.com/en/news/12/spain/2014/10/24/5436401/selfless-messi-is-more-dangerous-than-ever-laudrup] * He's the first genius of the 21st century. ** [[w:Jorge Valdano|Jorge Valdano]], 2014 [http://www.goal.com/en-sg/news/3882/spain/2014/05/17/4823638/valdano-messi-the-first-genius-of-the-21st-century] * I am not ashamed to admit that in the games against Barcelona I spent a lot of the time just hoping he would take up positions as far away from me as possible. ** [[w:Paul Scholes|Paul Scholes]], 2015 [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/paul-scholes-column-lionel-messi-is-a-genius-and-it-only-takes-a-second-for-him-to-trick-you-into-doing-something-daft--i-should-know-10057647.html] * I think about the great players with whom I have shared a pitch: Eric Cantona, Zinedine Zidane, Pirlo, Xavi, Cristiano Ronaldo – and the greatest of them all is Messi. ** [[w:Paul Scholes|Paul Scholes]], 2015 [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/paul-scholes-column-you-cant-beat-barcelona-at-their-own-game--juventus-must-defend-and-hit-them-on-counterattack-10298216.html] * He's a problem solver, a game changer, the greatest player to have played the game. I am more than 60 years old now, and I don't believe that I've seen, or that I'm likely to see, anyone better in my lifetime. The world's best when I was growing up was Pele and he would have been a great player now, too, but Messi surpasses him. He's also way out ahead of Diego Maradona - it's not even close anymore. ** [[w:Graeme Souness|Graeme Souness]], 2015 [http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/graeme-souness-lionel-messi-best-5673468] * I was lucky enough to play with Zidane, Ronaldo, Figo, Cristiano... but Messi is different; he makes everything look so easy, so effortless – even the impossible. ** [[w:Raúl (footballer)|Raúl]], 2015 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/babb/11577257/Real-Madrid-icon-Raul-says-Lionel-Messi-is-the-greatest-player-hes-ever-seen.html] * Messi makes the difference. I think he has reached and surpassed the level of Maradona. ** [[w:Paolo Maldini|Paolo Maldini]], 2015 [https://twitter.com/ChampionsLeague/status/606751034208329728] * The best by far is Messi. Second is Maradona, third is Pele and Di Stefano. Fifth is Cruyff, Zidane or Pele. ** [[w:José Luis Chilavert|José Luis Chilavert]], 2015 [http://www.sport-english.com/en/news/barca/jose-luis-chilavert-messi-the-best-all-time-far-3927554] * Not often I sit and watch football and chuckle at how good someone is. ** [[w:Matt Le Tissier|Matt Le Tissier]], 2015 [https://twitter.com/mattletiss7/status/578291760100712448] * Messi is the real deal when it comes to No10s. He represents a type of football that transcends borders. ** [[w:Alessandro del Piero|Alessandro del Piero]], 2015 [http://m.fifa.com/ballon-dor/news/y=2015/m=1/news=del-piero-ronaldo-is-the-future-2504045.html] * Messi is the best in the world by far; for me, nobody comes close. ** [[w:Ian Wright|Ian Wright]], 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4XvAfwx7VY] * What Messi does is terrifying. It’s indescribable magic. You can’t analyze it. ** [[w:César Luis Menotti|César Luis Menotti]], 2015 [http://www.sport.es/es/noticias/barca/menotti-rinde-culto-magia-messi-3944468] * I love Messi. Who doesn't? He's from another planet. An extraordinary player. ** [[w:Gabriel Batistuta|Gabriel Batistuta]], 2015 [http://www.ole.com.ar/seleccion/Batistuta-elogios-Messi_0_1376862552.html] * Messi has been the best player of the last 10 years. He played at the same level for 10 years. ** [[w:Pelé|Pelé]], 2015 [http://www.101greatgoals.com/blog/pele-lionel-messi-player-world-10-years-video/] * I never ever thought I would say that there was a better player than Maradona since he was in my time and I was in awe of him, but I honestly think for a number of reasons that Messi has surpassed him. He can do anything that Maradona did, and he does it more frequently and consistently. ** [[w:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]], 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IraqA3uSygk] * He's head and shoulders above anyone I've seen. He's an alien. He's better now than he was four years ago because he reads the game better. He's unstoppable. ** [[w:Carles Puyol|Carles Puyol]], 2015 [http://www.lavanguardia.com/deportes/futbol/20150627/54432559147/carles-puyol-seguir-sin-cobrar.html] * Barcelona have a great team with one special player, Messi. He is able to unlock a game from out of nowhere. Cristiano Ronaldo has been putting in spectacular performances, but there really is no comparison with Messi. Messi is on another level than all the other players. He is the undisputed best. No player has the ability to do what he does. ** [[w: Miguel Ángel Nadal|Miguel Ángel Nadal]], 2015 [http://www.goal.com/en-gb/news/3277/la-liga/2015/07/16/13629532/cristiano-ronaldo-no-match-for-messi-says-nadal] * He can hurt you 40 metres away from goal, not because he takes the ball and starts dribbling past opponents, but because on top of that he can also create the definitive goal chance. The god of football started playing, he is unstoppable when he starts playing. If you think otherwise, ask Jerome Boateng or all those fantastic players that face him. ** [[w:Francisco José Carrasco|Lobo Carrasco]], 2015 [http://www.goal.com/en/news/596/exclusive/2015/07/22/13783172/messi-better-now-than-he-was-in-2009] * Messi is the best I’ve ever seen. I don’t dish out praise lightly but Messi deserves it. I look for weaknesses in his game and I can’t find them. ** [[w:Roy Keane|Roy Keane]], 2015 [http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/european/lionel-messi-is-the-barcelona-forward-the-greatest-of-them-all-10287066.html] * He really is from a different planet. Even if you are supporting another team you have to admit this. ** [[w:Patrick Kluivert|Patrick Kluivert]], 2015 [https://twitter.com/patrickkluivert/status/596049093824090112] * Messi is the Pelé of my generation. I don't understand the criticism of him. You cannot criticize a player like Messi. ** [[w:Juliano Belletti|Juliano Belletti]], 2015 [http://www.sport.es/es/noticias/barca/belletti-messi-pele-generacion-4372158] * I heard an interview with Sir Alex Ferguson where he revealed his greatest players of all time. He said Messi was in a category of his own. I am a big fan of Diego Maradona but Messi is a phenomenon. His performances at club level are unbelievable. You can play a season or two like that, but not all these years. He set the bar very high from the start. ** [[w:Georgi Kinkladze|Georgi Kinkladze]], 2015 [http://www.uefa.com/uefasupercup/news/newsid=2265854.html] * He doesn't have the personality to be a leader. ** [[w:Diego Maradona|Diego Maradona]], 2016 [http://www.firstpost.com/sports/diego-maradonas-criticism-lionel-messi-divides-argentina-2829420.html] * Sometimes I ask myself if Messi is human ** [[w: Thierry Henry|Thierry Henry]], 2016 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GGMaz93kgs] * Every player on the planet is in Messi's shadow. If you want to step out of Messi's shadow, you should try another sport. ** [[w: Thierry Henry|Thierry Henry]], 2018 [https://www.soccerladuma.co.za/news/articles/international/categories/messi-ronaldo-neymar-watch-1/thierry-henry-explains-controversial-neymar-lionel-messi-comments/288960] === From football figures === * I have never seen a player like him, with so much quality and audacity at his age, in a so important a stadium and with that shirt. He has everything. He has an extraordinary future - I'd love to bring him to Juve! ** [[w:Fabio Capello|Fabio Capello]], manager of [[Juventus F.C.|Juventus]], 2005 [http://www.infobae.com/2005/08/25/206219-el-mundo-aplaude-messi] * When I see Messi - who is the best player in the world in my opinion - lose the ball, he runs off until he gets it back or commits a foul. Our guys lose the ball and fold their arms. ** [[w:Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva|Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva]], president of [[w:Brazil|Brazil]], 2008 [http://www.dnaindia.com/sport/report-lionel-messi-is-the-worlds-best-footballer-1187854] * What Messi brings to a team, no other player can bring. ** [[w:Mauricio Pochettino|Mauricio Pochettino]], manager of [[w:RCD Espanyol|Espanyol]], 2009 [http://www.goal.com/en/news/12/spain/2009/12/11/1681171/without-lionel-messi-barcelona-lose-the-best-player-in-the-world-] *If you're speaking of a fantasy player, then it has to be Leo Messi as he is so unpredictable. ** [[w:Fabio Capello|Fabio Capello]], manager of [[w:England national football team|England]], 2009 [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1216376/Fabio-Capellos-fantasy-football-Lionel-Messi-pick-genius-Ronaldo-second-Wayne-Rooney-gets-mention.html] * [How to stop Messi?] You need to bring a shotgun, pam-pam and that's it. ** [[w:Gregorio Manzano|Gregorio Manzano]], manager of [[w:RCD Mallorca|Mallorca]], 2010 [http://m.goal.com/s/en/news/1844965/] * Messi is the best player I’ve seen in my life. Not just better but much better. Much faster. Much, much more skilful. ** [[w:Miguel Ángel Lotina|Miguel Ángel Lotina]], manager of [[w:Deportivo de La Coruña|Deportivo]], 2010 [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1260692/Jeff-Powell-Maestro-Messi--This-genius-nearest-thing-Ive-seen-Maradona.html] * I think he is certainly one of the best in the world and people are right to make comparisons with Diego Maradona. It’s amazing when you think he is still only 22-years-old. He’s just a fantastic player. ** [[w:Christian Gross|Christian Gross]], manager of [[w:VfB Stuttgart|Stuttgart]], 2010 [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/competitions/champions-league/7470536/Barcelonas-Lionel-Messi-hailed-as-good-as-Diego-Maradona-after-breathtaking-display.html] * Put in the superlatives yourselves, I'm running out. It's already been a while now that he has been outstanding. That he's capable of doing everything that he does at his age is something impressive, that doesn't make any sense. ** [[Pep Guardiola]], manager of [[w:FC Barcelona|Barcelona]], 2010 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2010/mar/22/lionel-messi-barcelona] * Messi has once again shown that he is a wonderful player and that he is, without doubt, the leader of Barcelona. He is the best player in the world and the best in the history of football. Along with Cruyff and Maradona, he is the best player we have seen at Barça. ** [[w:Joan Laporta|Joan Laporta]], president of [[w:FC Barcelona|Barcelona]], 2010 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2010/mar/22/lionel-messi-barcelona] * Tonight, I saw Diego Maradona, but at more revs per minute. There are no words left to describe him – he is interplanetary. We could have beaten Barcelona but we could never have beaten Leo Messi. If we had scored four, he would have scored 12. ** [[w:José Aurelio Gay|José Aurelio Gay]], manager of [[w:Real Zaragoza|Real Zaragoza]], 2010 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2010/mar/22/leo-messi-barcelona-la-liga-spain] * Messi is like a Playstation. ** [[w:Arsène Wenger|Arsène Wenger]], manager of [[w:Arsenal F.C.|Arsenal]], 2010 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2010/apr/07/barcelona-arsenal-lionel-messi] * You cannot compare anyone to Messi. Cristiano Ronaldo is a great human player, but Messi is a Martian. ** [[w:Alfio Basile|Alfio Basile]], manager of [[w:Racing Club de Avellaneda|Racing Club]], 2012 [http://www.goal.com/en-gb/news/3277/la-liga/2012/07/29/3273637/cristiano-ronaldo-is-a-great-human-player-but-messi-is-a-martian-] * I don't know the parameters for the Ballon d'Or. I only know that Messi deserves to win every trophy. ** [[w:Manuel Pellegrini|Manuel Pellegrini]], manager of [[w:Málaga CF|Málaga]], 2012 [http://www.goal.com/en-us/news/88/spain/2012/05/03/3078126/pellegrini-messi-deserves-to-win-every-individual-honor] * Diego Maradona filled us with emotions. But between the cracks, without doubt, Messi is better than Maradona. ** [[w:Diego Simeone|Diego Simeone]], manager of [[w:Atlético Madrid|Atlético Madrid]], 2012 [http://www.marca.com/2012/12/30/futbol/equipos/atletico/1356896765.html] * Whoever plays football knows that there are no words for Messi. He is a category all of his own: the best player in the world, another galaxy. ** [[w:Robin Dutt|Robin Dutt]], manager of [[w:Bayer Leverkusen|Bayer Leverkusen]], 2012 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2012/mar/08/lionel-messi-five-goals] * Messi is like an Oliver Twist character, picking a pocket or two, the Artful Dodger, where he’s just sort of slipping around, looking like a little lad in the playground. He’s not really taking it seriously, and he makes you smile every time he gets the ball. And when he does some of these things, I have to laugh because it’s not possible what he does. It’s wonderful to watch. It’s just wonderful to see. You’ve got to pinch yourself sometimes, it’s really amazing what he does. ** [[w:Terry Venables|Terry Venables]], former manager of [[w:England national football team|England]], 2012 [http://keepingscore.blogs.time.com/2012/01/26/the-experts-weigh-in-messi-may-be-the-best-of-all-time-except-for-one-thing/] * Look at Lionel Messi – he gets kicked every week. Everybody wants to kick Messi because it is the only way to stop him, but all he ever does is sort of smile, get up and get on with it, and then does it again. ** [[w:David Moyes|David Moyes]], manager of [[w:Everton F.C.|Everton]], 2013 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/feb/26/marouane-fellaini-everton-oldham] * Messi is just a one-off, a freak of nature, who sees and does things nobody else sees or does. ** [[w:Guillem Balagué|Guillem Ballagué]], football expert on [[w:Sky Sports|Sky Sports]], 2013 [http://www.skysports.com/football/news/12087/8452615/guillem-balague-previews-the-copa-del-rey-clasico-between-real-madrid-and-barcelona] * With respect to Leo, I don’t know what can I say. Nothing surprises me with him. He controls the game well, passes the ball well, he is a good finisher, he can press and recover the ball. He is a footballer that can do everything. He sees passes that most people can only see whilst watching the game on TV or in the stands, not ones that you can normally see on the field. ** [[w:Gerardo Martino|Gerardo Martino]], manager of [[w:FC Barcelona|Barcelona]], 2014 [http://www.thenational.ae/sport/barcelona/he-is-a-footballer-that-can-do-everything-says-martino-after-another-messi-display] * When he gets going, he creates panic. You have to have a perfect game to stop him. ** [[w:Luis García (footballer, born 1972)|Luis García]], manager of [[w:Getafe CF|Getafe CF]], 2014 [http://www.insidespanishfootball.com/94774/luis-garcia-you-have-to-be-perfect-to-stop-messi/] * Messi is from another galaxy. Fans get used to it, but what he does is not normal. ** [[w:Rodolfo Borell|Rodolfo Borell]], former [[w:Liverpool F.C.|Liverpool]] youth coach, 2015 [http://www.mundodeportivo.com/futbol/fc-barcelona/20150219/54426308722/rodolfo-borrell.html] * He’s like a kid at school playing against a load of kids who can’t play, it’s incredible. It’s so silly; he’s on another planet, just amazing. ** [[w:Harry Redknapp|Harry Redknapp]], former manager of [[w:England national football team|England]], 2015 [http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/11095/9872694/harry-redknapp-lionel-messi-is-on-another-planet] * Of course life is easier with Lionel Messi. He does all sorts of things. We see that every day. He is from another planet. ** [[w:Luis Enrique (footballer)|Luis Enrique]], manager of [[w:FC Barcelona|FC Barcelona]], 2015 [http://www.uefa.com/uefachampionsleague/season=2015/matches/round=2000551/match=2014428/postmatch/quotes/] * I've never seen a better player than Messi. He's so good that he can even get around the three players you send after him and still notice the two teammates he has in space. It'll be hard to ever see another player like him. ** [[w:Fran Escribá|Fran Escribá]], manager of [[w:Elche CF|Elche]], 2015 [http://www.marca.com/en/2015/01/24/en/football/barcelona/1422104727.html] * Messi has creativity, imagination, he can go straight for goal... He can pass like nobody else in the world. Messi is in another dimension. ** [[w:Fabio Capello|Fabio Capello]], manager of [[w:Russia national football team|Russia]], 2015 [http://www.sport-english.com/en/news/barca/fabio-capello-leo-messi-the-best-the-world-cristiano-ronaldo-the-best-madrid-4098351] * Messi is best player ever. Some say Pele, Cruyff or Maradona, but none of them was as decisive as Messi. ** [[w:Ronald Koeman|Ronald Koeman]], manager of [[w:Southampton F.C.|Southampton]], 2015 [http://www.cope.es/detalle/Entrevista-a-Koeman-en-El-Partido-de-las-12-08-06-2015.html] * Messi is the number one footballer in the world. No other player in the past few years comes close. ** [[w:Diego Simeone|Diego Simeone]], manager of [[w:Atlético Madrid|Atlético Madrid]], 2015 [http://www.tycsports.com/noticias/Simeone-y-la-importancia-de-la-Copa-America-20150620-0001.html] * Messi proves himself nearly every game. Despite his immense talent, he remains very modest. I like that in him and I respect Messi a lot. ** [[w:Louis van Gaal|Louis van Gaal]], manager of [[w:Manchester United F.C.|Manchester United]], 2015 [http://www.marca.com/en/2015/07/06/en/football/barcelona/1436203933.html] * I feel sad when the best player in the world is chosen, and I see, for example, that the Portuguese coach—my friend Fernando Santos—does not place Messi among the top three. It's absurd. As a Portuguese man, I will say that Ronaldo is the best in the world. Messi is from another planet. ** [[w:Jorge Nuno Pinto da Costa|Pinto da Costa]], president of [[w:FC Porto|FC Porto]], 2015 [http://deportes.elpais.com/deportes/2015/07/19/actualidad/1437333518_715731.html] * Messi's ability to play at the highest level with Barcelona and their consistency is what wins them these titles. ** [[w:Unai Emery|Unai Emery]], manager of [[w:Sevilla FC|Sevilla]], 2015 [https://twitter.com/ChampionsLeague/status/631227153124851712] * I applaud what he does and I hope the crowd enjoyed and will remember what he does. We are fortunate to be around while the best is playing. It is a pleasure to have him with us. Today was a real show. He is the best there is and there has been. ** [[w:Ernesto Valverde|Ernesto Valverde]], manager of [[w:FC Barcelona|FC Barcelona]], 2018 [https://www.fcbarcelona.com/football/first-team/news/2017-2018/ernesto-valverde-it-was-a-question-of-persistence-post-game-reactions-players-betis-fc-barcelona-villamarin-0-5] === From media figures === * Simply stellar, proud and majestic. He is the re-incarnation of Maradona. ** Enrique Yunta of [[w:ABC (newspaper)|ABC]], 2007 [http://www.abc.es/hemeroteca/historico-11-03-2007/abc/Deportes/y-maradona-se-reencarno_1631918623996.html#] * You can forget the Little Donkey, the Rabbit, the Clown and all the other great pretenders, it's the Flea with the fast feet and fabulous control who gets closest to el Diego. He may not have the same the strutting confidence or the big mouth - in fact, he makes whispering Ted Lowe sound like a town crier - but there's definitely something about Messi. ** Sid Lowe of [[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]], 2007 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/2007/mar/12/europeanfootball.sport1] * I have played against Platini, Maradona, Cruyff and played with George Best — a lot of big names, but none of them has been able to do what Messi does. Two years ago I said that the best player I played against was Maradona and the best player I have played with was Bestie. But I can now say I have never seen a player as good as Messi. He’s in a league of his own. ** [[w:Gerry Armstrong (footballer)|Gerry Armstrong]], 2010 [http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/sport/football/european/gerry-armstrong-lionel-messi-is-the-greatest-28526228.html] * They say all men are equal in god's eyes. This player makes you seriously think about those words. ** [[w:Ray Hudson|Ray Hudson]], 2012 [http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1036161-lionel-messi-hat-trick-video-watch-ray-hudson-lose-mind-over-barcelona-star] * If he is so good, how can you express that? The superlatives ran out ages ago. On these pages, swearing has been tried. Or perhaps a symbol, something to signify that we have gone beyond words now. ** Sid Lowe of [[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]], 2012 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2012/mar/21/lionel-messi-record-goalscorer-barcelona] * There are three or four important things in life: books, friends, women, and Messi. ** [[w:António Lobo Antunes|António Lobo Antunes]], 2012 [http://elpais.com/diario/2012/01/14/babelia/1326503558_850215.html] * Are there any adjectives and superlatives left to describe little Leo? Messi is unstoppable and we should feel privileged to be watching a player who may be the best of all time. ** Pedro Pinto of [[w:CNN|CNN]], 2012 [http://worldsport.blogs.cnn.com/2012/12/28/fantasy-football-pedro-pintos-team-of-2012/] * I like Messi because he doesn’t think he’s Messi. ** [[w:Eduardo Galeano|Eduardo Galeano]], 2013 [http://www.fifa.com/world-match-centre/news/newsid/198/641/1/index.html] * Here he is again ... here he is again .. that's astonishing, absolutely world-class! ** [[w:Martin Tyler|Martin Tyler]], 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br024vDcgik] * Messi saved football. There has never been such an overwhelming, devastating, decisive and unique player. ** [[w:Juan García Esquivel|Esquivel]], 2015 [http://www.sport.es/es/noticias/barca/carlos-esquivel-messi-salvado-futbol-3927310] * At the Camp Nou Messi scored two brilliant goals, made a third and at times yawned his way around champion opponents like a man tactfully avoiding a gaggle of overheated toddlers in a high street coffee shop. Often he took the ball and shimmied past two or three men, operating within a kind of fermata, events slowed and paused around him, and providing a reminder that he remains one of the great dribblers, master of the flip-flap, the surge, the amphetamine-crazed-millipede shift of feet. ** Barney Ronay of [[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]], 2015 [http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2015/may/07/lionel-messi-barcelona-bayern-munich] * People think I am an admirer of Messi. No, you are all wrong. I am an admirer of genius in football. The greatest footballer that I have ever seen in my life. ** [[w:Ray Hudson|Ray Hudson]], 2018, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXyNxBAJ2gM] *He was beautiful. He was the point of difference. He has always been the point of difference. Unparalleled, and maybe today there will, of course, always be those who argue, always be those who debate. And the debate could rage on if you like. But as he falls in love with the object in the world that his heart most desired, it is hard to escape the supposition that he has rendered himself today, the greatest of all time. ** [[w:Peter Drury|Peter Drury]], 2022, [https://www.sportskeeda.com/football/news-there-anybody-else-like-him-peter-drury-sums-lionel-messi-greatness-iconic-2022-fifa-world-cup-final-monologue] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{wikinews}} * [https://sites.google.com/view/messiorronaldo/home Opinions on Messi vs Ronaldo] {{DEFAULTSORT:Messi, Lionel}} [[Category:1987 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Soccer players from Argentina]] [[Category:Ambassadors]] [[Category:Philanthropists]] [[Category:Catholics from Argentina]] [[Category:People from Rosario]] [[Category:UNICEF goodwill ambassadors]] [[Category:World record holders]] k7ttljd9uouqtoj4z9k8oa6clzfcjw5 0 177446 3944301 3941316 2026-05-22T23:35:12Z ~2026-30919-55 3327627 3944301 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''SpongeBob SquarePants''/Season 2}} {{SpongeBob header}} '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-present) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Episode 1== ===''[[w:Your Shoe's Untied|Your Shoe's Untied]]'' [2.1a]=== :''[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab]'' :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting? :'''SpongeBob''': Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest. ''[walks to the kitchen putting a line of holes in the floor with his feet]'' Well, I've gotta get to work. <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[after making a Krabby patty]'' Look! a perfect patty. :'''Squidward''': Alright SpongeBob, Hand it over. ''[beat]'' well? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[imagines how Squidward is really far away and how his shoelaces are snakes that will squeeze and keep him from moving. He snaps out of hallucination]'' Hey Squidward! I've got a idea! How about you come get it? :'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, gee, SpongeBob, that's a great idea. And maybe I should cook the patties, and do the '''dishes''', and wear square pants, and live in a pineapple, ''while'' '''''YOU''''' ''wait in the unemployment line!'' :'''SpongeBob''': No! :'''Squidward''': Then bring that patty here '''''NOW!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[very upset about what he did]'' I've failed. My career is over. I'm sorry, spatula. I'm sorry, hat. I'm sorry, floor. ''[hugs a giant box of Krabby Patties]'' I'm sorry, Krabby Patties. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Krabs''': What's the meaning of this, Mr. Squidward? :'''Squidward''': It's SpongeBob's fault. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[gets upset, his eyes turn into steamboat whistles]'' '''SPONGEBOB, GET OUT HERE!''' ''[SpongeBob peeks out the door]'' More. ''[SpongeBob peeks out a little further]'' More! ''[SpongeBob stretches himself partially trough the door]'' All the way, boy! ''[SpongeBob snaps out of the door and falls too the ground]'' What be the matter, SpongeBob? I ought to make you walk the plank for this! :'''SpongeBob''': I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs, it's just that I, I... :'''Mr. Krabs''': Yes? :'''SpongeBob''': I... I... I... I... I... I... :'''Mr. Krabs''': Yes, yes, yes? :'''SpongeBob''': I... I... I... I... I... :'''Kr. Krabs''': ''[shakes SpongeBob]'' Out with it, Boy! What is it? :'''SpongeBob''': I forgot how to tie my shoes. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[laughs]'' That's all? :'''SpongeBob''': So, you'll show me how? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I don't wear shoes. :''[The camera zooms in to Mr. Krabs' feet, revealing he indeed doesn't wear shoes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[SpongeBob is shown crawling into his pineapple]'' :'''Gary''': Meow. :'''SpongeBob''': Not now, Gary. :'''Gary''': Meow. :'''SpongeBob''': I'm not in the mood, Gary. :'''Gary''': Meow. ''[the scene changes to SpongeBob's bedroom. Off-Screen]'' Meow. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[crawls into bed]'' Just leave me and me untied shoes alone, Gary. :'''Gary''': '''''ROAR!!!''''' ''[knocks SpongeBob off the bed and onto the floor]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, Gary, you have my attention. :'''Gary''': Meow. ''[ties SpongeBob's shoes]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Gary! Well, I'll be! You can tie shoes! ''[Gary shows himself wearing shoes that look like old-style bowling shoes, under his shell]'' Hoppin' clams! How did you learn to do that? :''[Gary's shell opens revealing a record. The song, Loop Dee Loop by Ween starts and SpongeBob starts dancing]'' :'''Ween''': ♪''Wanna learn how to tie your shoe? [the scene changes to show SpongeBob in a classroom wearing a teacher's outfit and on the chalkboard there are sketches of shoes] It's a very easy thing to do. [Gary appears on a stool. SpongeBob puts on his glasses and taps the board with his pointer] Just sit on down [Patrick appears in the desk next to SpongeBob] and I'll give you the scoop, [Patrick holds out an ice cream cone and SpongeBob gives him a tied shoe that looks like SpongeBob's shoe. Patrick looks surprised] What's that? [the scene changes to show the words "Loop Dee Loop" in shoelaces and SpongeBob pulls on two of the aglets] It's called the loop-dee-loop. [the scene changes to show SpongeBob's leg with an untied shoe] You gotta take a lace in each hand, [two SpongeBobs hold an aglet in one of each's hands goes up and past the screen. The scene changes again to show the SpongeBobs crossing each other's paths] You go over and under again. [the SpongeBobs come back around under the cross path that they made. The go upward and past the screen. They come back and pass each other's path one more time] You make a loop-dee-loop and [the scene changes to show a small SpongeBob tying the lace of a big SpongeBob's shoe] pull. And your shoes are [the Big SpongeBob is shown wearing a top hat and giant shoes. He takes his hat off and kicks the newly tied shoe. It flies off] lookin' cool. [the scene changes to show a SpongeBob multiplying into multiple SpongeBobs and follows the lyrics] You go over and back, left to right, Loop-dee-loop [the scene changes to show SpongeBob holding his laces while jumping] and you pull 'em tight, [the scene changes to show SpongeBob with a bunny toy] Like bunny ears [a present appears] or a Christmas bow, [the bunny toy becomes a bunny slipper and SpongeBob is seen wearing it and the present as shoes] Lace 'em up and you're ready to go. [SpongeBob runs out of the scene. The scene changes to show SpongeBob jumping off of a tight rope wire swing thing. He stops and spins around and then falls] You make a loop-dee-loop and pull, [the scene changes to show SpongeBob and Gary falling into a giant shoe that looks like SpongeBob's shoe] And your shoes are lookin' cool. [SpongeBob pulls on the laces and wings appear on both sides of the shoe and the shoe plane takes off. The scene changes to show the plane passing giant tied shoe laces. The shoe plane hits a roller coaster track and the wings fall off and it becomes a roller coaster car] You make a loop-dee-loop and pull, [the shoe falls off of the track and lands on the ground] And your shoes are lookin' cool.''♪ :''[SpongeBob and Gary pop out of the shoe and the episode ends]'' ===''Squid's Day Off'' [2.1b]=== :'''French Narrator''': Ah, beautiful springtime, a time for fun and frolic for most, ''[the scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, zooming in and then right at the front door. Squidward is there]'' but not for this poor slob. :'''Squidward''': Oh, what a beautiful day, and here I am trapped in a prison of high cholesterol. ''[the bell dings]'' No one ever comes in on Sunday. ''[the bell dings again]'' Why can't Mr. Krabs just let us go home? ''[the bell dings again. Squidward gets angry and growling into SpongeBob. The scene changes to SpongeBob ringing a bell, set on the order window. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob]'' SpongeBob, stop ringing this bell. ''[picks it up and slams it on the bottom of the order window]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I was just testing it. :'''Squidward''': ''[leans through the order window getting in SpongeBob's face]'' I will ring the bell when there's an order. But...'''There's no customers!''' There hasn't been one all day, and there isn't gonna be any! ''[struggles to pick up the cash register, but successfully does so and he slams it down making a bell noise]'' :'''SpongeBob''': One Krabby Patty coming up! :'''Squidward''': No...! :''[The register drawer shoots open, knocking Squidward out of the way. A bunch of coins fall onto the floor. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs' office where Mr. Krabs is writing something on a sheet of paper and he stops to hear the money dropping.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': That sounds like me money dropping. ''[the scene changes to show the outside of the office and Squidward is picking up the coins; opens his office door]'' What's going on out here?! My babies! ''[runs up to Squidward and shoves him away]'' Get away, you barbarian! What have you done? Nice clean money... soiled! ''[scoops up the coins in his claws]'' I'll take care of ya. Let papa clean ya up. Clear the way! ''[runs into the kitchen and starts washing them off in the sink]'' No, no, no, don't cry, little ones. :'''SpongeBob''': What's wrong, Mr. Krabs? :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[gets startled and throws the dimes in the air. One dime rolls into the sink and starts to roll towards the sink drain]'' Me dime! ''[the dime rolls around the sink drain. Just as it seems like it's about to fall down the drain, it flips over facing away from the drain; gives a sigh of relief. Then the dime jumps, winks, and goes down the drain]'' No! ''[grabs the dime in the drain]'' I got it, boy! ''[tries to take his claw out]'' What the? It's stuck! You gotta help me, SpongeBob! :'''SpongeBob''': You've gotta let go of the dime. :'''Mr. Krabs''': I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. There's got to be another way! Grab me captain's quarters and heave! ''[SpongeBob pulls on him from behind a couple times until he gets thrown back without his arms]'' Me arms! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh no, not again! :''[Mr. Krabs hits the wall, the impact causing the shelf above him to slant and drop a pot, a glass, a pan, a mug, a treasure chest, an anchor, a buoy, and a scuba suit on his head. A giant bump rises up on Mr. Krabs' head and then a dime falls on it, causing Mr. Krabs to fall over and black out]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I can't believe this is really happening. ''[sits on the cash register box, then starts to tear up]'' Today, I start living! <hr width=50%/> :'''Squidward''': ''[runs, panics after having a dream that the Krusty Krab is on fire, stops running for a split second]'' Oh, what am I doing? I am wasting valuable relaxing time, that's what I'm doing! I mean, really. What are the odds? SpongeBob set the Krusty Krab on fire! ==Episode 2== ===''[[w:Something Smells|Something Smells]]'' [2.2a]=== :'''Patrick''': Okay, now... say it. ''[SpongeBob hesitates]'' Say it. :'''SpongeBob''': I can't. :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you're never going to feel better 'til you get this thing off your chest. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[has a purple alien-like leech sucking on his chest]'' I know, Patrick. ''[pulls it off and throws it aside]'' :'''Patrick''': Say it. ''[SpongeBob still hesitates]'' Say it... :'''SpongeBob''': I'm ugly. :'''Patrick''': You're ugly and what? :'''SpongeBob''': Square? :'''Patrick''': No, proud. :'''Squidward''': Is that what he calls it? :''[As we cut back to the pineapple rooftop]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[breathing heavily]'' That felt great! I feel empowered! :'''Patrick''': So whaddya wanna do now? :'''SpongeBob''': I don't know. How about a movie? <hr width=50%/> :'''SpongeBob''': Excuse me, sir. I hope my horrible ugliness won't be a distraction to you. :'''Fred''': Not at all boy. ''[He sniffs SpongeBob's bad breath and makes a hilarious disgusted face expression.]'' '''''Deuueaugh!!!!''' [runs away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': They all ran away, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': I bet there's no line at the snack bar. ''[cuts to the snack bar]'' Hello? Hello? They must be on break. <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, is everything okay in here? ''[hears Patrick sobbing and opens a stall door, then sees him sitting on the toilet with a bag over his head]'' What are you doing in there, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': ''[resentfully]'' Wouldn't ''you'' like to know? :'''SpongeBob''': And why is that bag on your head? :'''Patrick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Why? Oh, no reason. ''[angrily]'' Except you gave me the ugly! ''[whips the bag off. SpongeBob recoils and gasps as he walks out]'' What am I gonna do?! I can't go out looking like this! :'''SpongeBob''': Just remember what we talked about; there's power in pride. :'''Patrick''': That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! ''[his breath reaches SpongeBob, who smells it and makes a disgusted face]'' I'm almost as ugly as you! :'''Patrick''': I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I'd do. :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick...? :'''Patrick''': What's my mom gonna say? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[holding his nose]'' Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Oh, my gosh, if my sister finds out... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick? :'''Patrick''': ...wait, I don't have a sister. If the bank... :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick? :'''Patrick''': I mean it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but- :'''SpongeBob''': ''[having had enough, he enlarges to stop Patrick's babbling]'' '''''PATRICK!''''' ''[shrinks back to normal]'' You're not ugly, your breath stinks. Really bad. :'''Patrick''': ''[sighs with relief, his stench in the shape of skull and crossbones]'' Ah, what a relief... :'''SpongeBob''': ''[his eyes water from the foul smell]'' Ugh, '''''barnacles''''', Patrick! What did you eat?! :'''Patrick''': Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza... :'''SpongeBob''': ''[holding his nose]'' No, I mean just this morning. :'''Patrick''': Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza... :'''SpongeBob''': What else? :'''Patrick''': Well, I had some of your sundae. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[realizing]'' Sundae... ''[whips out what's left of it]'' Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath! :'''Patrick''': Whatcha mean? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[coughs]'' I mean, we're not ugly! We just ''stink!'' ===''Bossy Boots'' [2.2b]=== :'''Pearl''': SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab or the Kooky Krab? :'''Squidward''': For what, dare I ask? :'''Pearl''': The new name for our new look. I mean, "The Krusty Krab" has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh. :'''Squidward''': Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': I got it! How about The Khaotic Krab? :'''Pearl''': How about The Kissy Krab? ''[smooches]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed as a king]'' The King Krab. :'''Pearl''': ''[holds up a lollipop]'' The Kandy Krab. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed like a beat poet]'' The Kool Krab. ''[dressed as a cowboy]'' Or the Kowboy Krab. ''[stretched out]'' The Kurly Krab. ''[dressed as a mad scientist]'' The ''Kreepy'' Krab. ''[dressed as a crazy killer jungle man]'' '''''THE KILLER KRAB!!''''' :'''Pearl''': ''[gasps]'' No! :'''SpongeBob''': You're right, too scary. :''[Pause]'' :'''SpongeBob and Pearl''': The Kuddly Krab! ''[they both hug and laugh]'' :''[A rainbow of colors fills the screen. Pearl, SpongeBob and an anguished Squidward stand outside the new restaurant. The sign for the restaurant is now a heart and a cutesy robot Krabs is waving his arms atop it. The restaurant outside itself is tie-dyed with colors and rainbows and the flags are now hearts. Balloons are hanging from the roof and giant lollipops come from the chimney. Pearl and SpongeBob, giggling, walk back in the restaurant. Squidward is so mad in fact that the two K's on his uniform catch on fire and he shakes the pole. The female fish and Fred drive by in a car]'' :'''Female Fish''': It's a shame old man Krabs sold the Krusty Krab. :'''Fred''': That's a darn shame. Hey, lady! Do you know where we can get something to eat around here? :'''Squidward''': THAT'S IT, I'LL QUIT!!! ''[rips off his uniform, revealing nothing under it. A police whistle is blown and the police fish comes over and writes him a ticket for indecent exposure and places it between his legs]'' Oops. ==Episode 3== ===''Big Pink Loser'' [2.3a]=== :''[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[reading award caption]'' "For outstanding achievement in achievement" - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'? :'''Patrick''': "SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name. :'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake. :'''Patrick''': ''[sadly]'' But, it's shiny! :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny? :'''Patrick''': Ice cream! :'''SpongeBob''': Exactly! :'''Patrick''': I can find it! Is it in here? :'''SpongeBob''': No, don't! That's my---- ''[Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out]'' award closet. :'''Patrick''': ''[tearing up]'' I want an award! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[pops up with prized ribbons on his eyes]'' Aw, Patrick, don't cry. :''[Patrick cries]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The phone rings and Patrick picks up the receiver]'' :'''Male Caller 1''': ''[on the phone]'' Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick. ''[hangs up and whistles; the phone rings again and picks it up again]'' :'''Female Caller''': ''[on the phone]'' Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': ''[annoyed]'' No, this is Patrick. ''[hangs up again and continues to whistle; the phone rings and he picks it up again]'' :'''Male Caller 2''': ''[on the phone]'' Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': '''''NO, THIS IS PATRICK!!!''''' ''[slams phone back onto hook]'' I'm not a Krusty Krab. :'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant. :'''Patrick''': Huh? FISHPASTE! <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': I'm never going to get an award now. :'''SpongeBob''': Don't give up, Patrick! This time I got something I ''know'' you can do. We're going to open a [[w:jar|jar]]. ''[takes the lid off the jar]'' Easy! Now you try. First, get a jar. :''[Patrick grabs a pickle]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, that's a [[w:pickle|pickle]]. :'''Patrick''' Yes. :'''SpongeBob''': You need a jar. ''[Patrick holds up a spatula]'' No. ''[Patrick takes off his shorts]'' No. ''[Patrick picks up SpongeBob]'' No. Try this. ''[gives Patrick a jar]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': ''[are at the grill frying patties. They both whistle to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", then stop, and they both wipe their foreheads]'' Whew! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[drops his spatula; laughs]'' Dropped my spatula. ''[bends down to pick it up]'' :'''Patrick''': Uh, me too. ''[drops his spatula and bends down to pick it up]'' :''[SpongeBob and Patrick bend back up and SpongeBob takes off his hat, then Patrick takes off his, they both put their hats back on, then they both put their hands on the grill; Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds]'' :'''Patrick''': Owwww! :'''SpongeBob''': Aha! ''[shows the fake hand]'' You're copying me! :'''Patrick''': Yes. :'''SpongeBob''': Why are you doing that? :'''Patrick''': So I can win an award like you. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, it's annoying, so stop it! :'''Patrick''': Stop it. ''[both imitate the others facial expressions]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Say, you're good. :'''Patrick''': Thanks. :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Ha! Darn. ''[both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chins. They later watch each other as they dance to "Mary had a Little Lamb"]'' Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as '''PICKLE FISH LIPS!!!!!''' ''[both cover their mouths]'' Seaweavel. ''[both cover their mouths again]'' Yorgyshmorgies. ''[both cover their mouths yet again]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[in his head]'' At least I'm safe inside my mind. :'''Patrick''': ''[in his head; as SpongeBob realizes that he wasn't safe in his mind]'' At least I'm safe inside my mind. :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Aaaggghhh! :''[SpongeBob and Patrick then run out of the Krusty Krab]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Stop copying me! :'''Patrick''': There's no award for that! :'''Squidward''': ''[leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him]'' Well, I guess it's safe to go in now. ''[puts his hat back on and walks back in]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[he and Patrick are still running]'' Patrick, how long are you gonna keep this up? :'''Patrick''': Until I have as many awards as you. :'''SpongeBob''': We'll see about that! :'''Patrick''': No, we won't. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[takes out a jump-rope]'' I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom. :'''Patrick''': Me too. ''[takes out a jump-rope]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. ''[crosses his arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope]'' Ha! Not a scratch on me. ''[his body breaks down into pieces, which later hop away]'' :'''Patrick''': Oh, no, you don't! ''[squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces, then he and SpongeBob repeatedly hit their heads with a hammer]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Not much fun being me, now, huh, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Are you kidding? I used to do this ''way'' before I started copying you. ''''[SpongeBob stops hammering his head but Patrick does not notice. Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy...]'' Wheeeee-eeeeeyeeehhh-eeeeh. ''[...as trophies appear and spin around his head, tweeting like birds. He falls on the ground; SpongeBob laughs and runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house; SpongeBob gets angry and steam comes out of his head]'' My turn! ''[runs into the pineapple rock as SpongeBob quickly runs into his real house]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': What's so great about being a big pink loser? ===''Bubble Buddy'' [2.3b]=== <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': [[w:stick|Stick]] buddy! ''[the stick falls over]'' Nah. [[rock|Rock]] buddy! Nope. [[w:sink|Sink]] buddy! ''[a drip of water comes out of the sink]'' Almost. :'''Squidward''': Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes, ''carnival style!'' And if there is anything else I can do, '''''please hesitate to ask.''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Francis''': He kept us ''waiting'' for a bubble? :'''Larry''': That's nothing! He called us fat! ''[begins crunching on celery stalks along with others]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[crying as she shows her clean flipper]'' He washed my flipper! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[storming up]'' He owes ''me'' money! :'''Squidward''': ''[following Mr. Krabs]'' He made me provide excellent service! :'''Scooter''': ''[appears with a halo and angel clothing on]'' Dudes! He made me experience high tide! ''[floats up towards the surface while laughing]'' :'''Tom''': He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses! :'''Protesters''': He did? :'''Tom''': No...But are we just gonna wait around until he does? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I say we tip somethin' over! :''[All yelling, everyone tips the lifeguard stand]'' :'''Lifeguard''': Hey! :''[The stand crashes to the ground]'' :'''Protester''': Now what? :'''Protesters''': Get the lifeguard! ''[they go to the lifeguard]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[stops them]'' Wait! Don't waste this senseless violence on him! It's that stupid bubble of SpongeBob's that's causing all the problems! ''[holds up a needle]'' Who's with me?! :'''Protesters''': Pop the bubble! ''[hold up needles]'' ==Episode 4== ===''Dying for Pie'' [2.4a]=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': So, are you ready? :'''Squidward''': To go home? :'''Mr. Krabs''': No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day. :'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards '''''that guy'''''. ''[points to SpongeBob]'' <hr width =50%"> :'''Squidward''': '''''WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!''''' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. ''[holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"]'' I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January. :'''Squidward''': '''''FORGET THE BOOK!''''' ''[slaps the book away]'' I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things because '''''you''''' were supposed to '''''EXPLODE!''''' :'''SpongeBob''':You want me to explode? :'''Squidward''': Yes, that's what I've been '''''waiting for!''''' :'''SpongeBob''': Um... okay, I'll try. ''[strains himself]'' '''''GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!''''' ''[laughs]'' Now it's your turn. :'''Squidward''': ''[yells, hops up and down furiously]'' '''''THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!''''' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[claps]'' Ooh, good one. :'''Squidward''': NO! You're supposed to '''''explode''''' into a million pieces! ''[flaps his arms]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Why would I do that? :'''Squidward''': Because the '''''pie''''' you ate '''''was a bomb!''''' :'''SpongeBob''': What pie? :'''Squidward''': The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie! :'''SpongeBob''': Pie...? ''[realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before]'' Oh! You mean ''this'' pie! ''[Squidward is shocked]'' I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! ''[walks forward and trips on a rock]'' Oops! ''[the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[the town is now decimated]'' Ouch. ''[fade to black, episode ends]'' ===''Imitation Krabs'' [2.4b]=== :'''Plankton''': You can't do this to me, Krabs. [Mr. Krabs blows Plankton back to the Chum Bucket] I went to college! [crashes into his restaurant] Ouch. :'''Robot Krabs''': Okay, now let's hear that formula. :'''SpongeBob''': Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs. :'''Robot Krabs''': ''[his eyes are now on fire]'' '''''Whaaaaaaaat???''''' :'''Plankton''': ''[cut to inside of robot]'' But we did everything you said - I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw! ''[holds up a straw]'' :'''Robot Krabs''': Now why can't you tell me the formula? :'''SpongeBob''': It's '''''your''''' rule: never speak the formula. You told me to keep it in ''[holds up a bottle with the secret formula in it]'' ...this bottle. ''[Robot Krabs' eyes open widely with a "ding!" sound effect]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[inside the robot]'' This is it, Plankton. ''[pushes a lever]'' Gently now... ''[continues to push the lever, getting overly excited as he gets closer. The penny that Mr. Krabs was chasing earlier rolls under the door, then Mr. Krabs rushes in, and he gasps, including SpongeBob and the guy on the penny]'' :'''Robot Krabs''': Gasp! :'''Mr. Krabs''': How could you do this, SpongeBob? Givin' me secret formuler to this...imposter?! :'''Robot Krabs''': Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember: ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuloli. :'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob, no! Don't listen to him! I'm the '''''real''''' Mr. Krabs! :'''Robot Krabs''': Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot. ''[exhaust pipe smokes]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, if I '''''was''''' a robot, which I'm '''''not''''', at least I'm well-put together, not some rusted-out, steam-driven pile of junk! :'''Robot Krabs''': Who are you callin' steam-driven...? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[yelling in frustration]'' '''''Quiet!''''' Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves, ''[holds a hose attached to a tartar sauce machine]'' nobody gets hurt. :'''Mr. Krabs and Robot Krabs''': Tartar sauce?! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Take it easy with that thing, son. Ahh! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[squirts some tartar sauce, causing Mr. Krabs to jump into robot Krabs' arms]'' I'll do the talkin' around here. I think I'll ask you two a couple of questions; questions only the '''''real''''' Mr. Krabs could answer. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[smiles while Robot Krabs looks worried]'' Okay, then. :'''SpongeBob''': First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open? :'''Robot Krabs''': ''[beats Mr. Krabs to it]'' 9:30 A.M. :'''SpongeBob''': Right. ''[to Mr. Krabs]'' That's one strike, Mr. Fake. :'''Mr. Krabs''': But- :'''SpongeBob''': Nuh-uh-uh! I'm runnin' this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any 'buts', they're gonna be from me. ''[while rubbing the hose nozzle]'' Okay, now, question two: how much does a Krabby Patty cost? :'''Mr. Krabs''': $2.99! :'''SpongeBob''': On Wednesday... :'''Robot Krabs''': 99 cents. :'''SpongeBob''': Right again! ''[to Mr. Krabs]'' You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this - if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do? :'''Mr. Krabs''': That's an easy one. You just...just.. let's see...if it's...uh...if it's January...with...with vanilla pudding...you...uh...pass? ''[gets shot with tartar sauce]'' ==Episode 5== ===''Wormy'' [2.5a]=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': We're in serious danger! There's a-a-a...a monster out there. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Is it a paying customer? :'''SpongeBob''': Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you! :'''Patrick''': ''[crying]'' Just like it ate Wormy! :'''Squidward''': Um, Wormy? ''[SpongeBob and Patrick cry]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Why?! Why?! He was so young! :'''Patrick''': We’ll never forget you, Wormy! :'''Squidward''': Well, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster." ===''Patty Hype'' [2.5b]=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': [[w:Great Barrier Reef|Great Barrier Reef!]] That patty's spoiled! <hr width =50%"> :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick, are you angry too? :'''Patrick''': Yeah. :'''SpongeBob''': What's the matter? :'''Patrick''': I can't see my forehead. What's your problem? :'''SpongeBob''': I got a good idea, and no one else thinks so! <hr width =50%"> :'''Mr. Krabs''': I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready... for me money. ''[the crowd gathers around him]'' Welcome to Pretty Patties. May I take your money? :'''Female Fish''': We want a refund, Krabs! ''[crowd form a mob while yelling and protesting in agreement]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Who, huh, what? :'''Gus''': Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple! ''[shows his purple face]'' :'''Scottish Man''': Look what I got under me kilt! ''[raises his kilt to reveal a plaid body, and white underwear]'' :'''Grease Fish, Female Fish & Frank''': And look at our tongues! :''[They show Mr. Krabs their respective tongues. They each show a yellow tongue, an orange tongue with green spots, and a tongue that just looks normal]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': What's wrong with you? :'''Frank''': ''[turns off a light to reveal his tongue is glow-in-the-dark green]'' We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. ''[turns the light back on, but Mr. Krabs is gone]'' :'''Harold''': Hey, where'd he go? :''[Mr. Krabs screams and runs, and the crowd chasing him makes a rainbow road]'' ==Episode 6== ===''Grandma's Kisses'' [2.6a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': You're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma! :'''Charlie''': No. Especially if you're a ''BIG BABY'' who wears '''''DIAPERS!''''' ''[group laughs]'' And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and uh... :'''Group''': ''[annoyed]'' '''''ALL RIGHT ALREADY!''''' :'''Squidward''': Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you. :'''SpongeBob''': Really? You do, Squidward? :'''Squidward''': Yeah, your grandma! <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her. :'''SpongeBob''': You're right, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': Have I ever not been right? ''[The scene cuts to a picture of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, a picture of SpongeBob with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background]'' You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one. :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how. :'''Patrick''': Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. ''[SpongeBob obediently puffs out his chest]'' And say 'tax exemption'. :'''SpongeBob''': Tax exemption. :'''Patrick''': Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz. :''["Pressure Point" by Duncan Lamont plays, with SpongeBob and Patrick having serious expressions on their faces while listening]'' :'''Patrick''': Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready! <hr width=50%> :'''Grandma''': I'll bet you'd fancy a nap, huh, Patrick? ''[Patrick yawns]'' You still here, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work. :'''Grandma''': ''[puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch]'' No, no, no, that wouldn't be the adult thing to do. :'''SpongeBob''': Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, I'll see ya later. :'''Grandma''': Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob. :'''SpongeBob''': Yep, that is it. Here I go. :'''Grandma''': Come again if you get the chance. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[opens the door]'' Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater. :'''Grandma''': Toodleloo. :'''SpongeBob''': I don't know when I'll be back. :'''Grandma''': I know how busy you are. :'''SpongeBob''': So, that's it. ''[Patrick is sleeping]'' :'''Grandma''': Shh, he's asleep. :'''SpongeBob''': So long... ''[SpongeBob slowly closes the door of grandma's house, but then slams it with a sad look on his face. He starts throwing a tantrum]'' I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! I want cookies! ''[holds a big cookie and snaps it in half in front of his face]'' And milky! ''[holds a giant milk bottle, then comes up with a sweater]'' I want a sweater with love in the stitches! I wanna wear diapers! ''[comes up with a diaper on and puts some baby powder into it]'' I wanna ride in my wagon! ''[rides in a wagon, then holds a big teddy bear]'' I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins! I wanna rockey-rock my seahorsey! ''[rocks on his wooden seahorse with a hat and a lollipop]'' And I want a kissy on my boo-boo! ''[shows his bruised finger. He starts crying hysterically. He lies on the floor and cries while slamming his fists against the ground and then rolls like a wheel. Grandma looks at him sadly. SpongeBob then sits on the floor as his eyes pour tears into his mouth. Grandma thinks for a second. SpongeBob then starts crying like a sprinkler, flooding the entire house]'' :'''Grandma''': Take it easy, SpongeBob! ''[picks up SpongeBob, who is still crying]'' SpongeBob? SpongeBob! ''[she holds SpongeBob's mouth, stopping him from crying]'' SpongeBob, you don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[sniffs]'' I don't? :'''Grandma''': Of course not. ''[pushes a cork in the floor and all SpongeBob's tears drain out]'' No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. ''[hands SpongeBob his sideburns and a chocolate chip cookie]'' Here you go. ''[SpongeBob puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Thanks, Grandma. ''[bites the cookie]'' Uh, Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab? :'''Grandma''': No problem. ''[hugs SpongeBob. Outside, Squidward and everyone else are laughing as the episode ends]'' ===''Squidville'' [2.6b]=== :'''Squidward''': ''[in a state of tranquil fury]'' SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... ''[a piece of debris from his house falls on his head]'' I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than continue living where I do now. :''[A TV falls on the ground and turns on. On the television is an octopus, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow.]'' :'''Announcer''': Hi, there. Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest three-way? :'''Squidward''': Four-way. :'''Announcer''': Four-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to... :'''Patrick''': ''[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen]'' I hate this channel. :'''Squidward''': No! No! ''[changes it back]'' :'''Announcer''': ...Tentacle Acres. Where happiness is just a suction cup away. ''[puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pops echo]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the gated borders of Tentacle Acres]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake? :''[Patrick picks up a cake that reads, 'Sorry.' He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them]'' :'''SpongeBob''': We're ready! :'''Patrick''': Ying. ''[SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom]'' :'''Guard''': Hello, can I help you? :'''Patrick''': ''[thinking it's a restaurant intercom]'' Can I get a large #1, extra size? :'''SpongeBob''': But ya just ate three orders of fried oyster skins! :'''Patrick''': ''[unleashing a noxious gas cloud as he says this]'' I love fried oyster skins. :''[cut to inside the control room, where the guard sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one of his monitors]'' :'''Guard''': We're sorry, but ''your kind'' isn't allowed here. ''[a security guard walks up next to him]'' He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? ''[the two smell Patrick's breath cloud as it wafts in through the speaker]'' FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh... ''[the two collapse, the first guard falling on a button opening the gate]'' :'''Patrick''': I guess we gotta order inside. <hr width=50%> :''[Meanwhile, a group of octopuses are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Hey! That looked like Squidward! [the mob runs past them] That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! [Squidward has approached a dead end] :'''Policeman''': Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles! :'''Squidward''': Stand back! I've got gardening tools! ''[the policeman hands him an envelope]'' :'''Policeman''': Here! Just read this! ''[Squidward looks at it]'' :'''Squidward''': What is it? :'''Policeman''': A well thought out and organized list of complaints! ''[the mob shouts out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, look! It's Squidward! ''[he runs up to the octopus and hugs him, but he's a different octopus with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward's]'' Squidward! We finally found you! ''[the octopus pushes SpongeBob off him]'' :'''Male Octopus''': Get off me, and I'm not Squidward! ''[pause]'' :'''Patrick''': Are you Squidward now? :'''Squidward''': Grievances?! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! [pause] Or at least painted a different color. :'''Policeman''': F.Y.I., you don't have to live here, you know. ''[Squidward, and the crowd, smile]'' :'''Squidward''': Hey, you're right! ''[the crowd members' smiles fade]'' And I'm leaving A.S.A.P.! ''[meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Are you Squidward? :'''Male Octopus''': No. ''[he walks up to the croquet woman]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Are you Squidward? :'''Squidette''': No. ''[Patrick talks to a fire hydrant]'' :'''Patrick''': Are you Squidward? ''[pause]'' That's okay, take your time. ''[SpongeBob walks up to him]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! [the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally. The octopuses smile] :'''Squidward''': Freedom! Woo-hoo! ''[SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, we know one thing: it sure isn't that guy. ''[the episode ends]'' ==Episode 7== ===''Prehibernation Week'' [2.7a]=== [The episode starts with Sandy in her treedome, who is raking leaves while humming] Sandy: There we go! [rakes a pile of leaves in the shape of Texas] SpongeBob, I got all the leaves ra... [steps on piles of leaves still on the ground ] SpongeBob, what are all these leaves doing here? You said you were going to rake them! SpongeBob: [peeks his head out of a pile of leaves he is in] I am raking the leaves. Sandy: But they're still all over the ground! SpongeBob: Sandy, I can't rake any faster. [picks up a leaf and starts scraping it with a tiny rake] These are big leaves. [leaf breaks into more pieces] And they keep breaking into more leaves. Sandy: [pushes him away and rakes them herself] Then go scrape the salt lick or somethin'! We got to get this stuff done before it's too late! SpongeBob: What's the big rush anyway, Sandy? Sandy: [hanging laundry] I told ya, SpongeBob... [scrubs the birdbath with a toothbrush] I'm hibernating next week. SpongeBob: Hibernating? What's that? Sandy: [painting the fence] It's when I go to sleep for the whole winter. SpongeBob: Can I do that? Sandy: [chuckles] No, silly. It's a mammalian thing. [paints over SpongeBob's helmet] SpongeBob: Sandy, you may not have noticed, but I is 100% ma-mmal. Sandy: [cleaning her exercise wheel] Enough chitter-chatter, SpongeBob. We don't have much time left! SpongeBob: Why, Sandy? When does your... "carburation" begin? [Sandy jumps down, pulling down a giant calendar with a giant x on the 8th] Sandy: In one week! SpongeBob: But Sandy, that only gives us 1, 2, 3... [gasps] 168 more hours of playtime! Sandy: You're telling me. And there's still so much stuff to do! We gotta climb some things! SpongeBob: Climb! Sandy: We gotta jump off of stuff! SpongeBob: Jump! Sandy: We gotta ride! SpongeBob: Ride! Sandy: I don't wanna go to sleep yet! SpongeBob: Wait, Sandy! [Sandy begins to cry] Sandy: I can't burn carbs in my sleep! SpongeBob: Sandy? Sandy: What?! SpongeBob: Sandy, I'm willing to sacrifice any of my time that I haven't already sold to Mr. Krabs to you. [Pantera playing] Sandy: Well, I'm glad, SpongeBob, 'cause for the next seven days, it's gonna be you, me, and these sweatbands! [holds them up. Cut to the giant sand mountains area. Sandy is riding a giant clam shell smashing through a sign] Yee-ha! [sliding down the mountain so fast she is now on fire, heating the sand to a trail of glass. She zooms past a fish with a backpack on his back. When she goes past him, he drops to the ground and rolls around because he is on fire. She then streaks past a man and a woman skiing. The woman now wears a jogging outfit and the man is now wearing kids' clothing, riding a tricycle, and holding a lollipop and a paddleball. The woman looks at him] Unnamed Fish #1: Uh... I can explain. [Sandy flips in mid-air, still on fire] Sandy: I'm hotter than a hickory-smoked sausage! Woo-hoo! [Cut to SpongeBob wearing green head gear. He discards his shell board and glides down the mountain on his tongue. Cut to two kids, building a sandman] Girl: Maybe, if we sing that song, he'll come to life. Billy: Ready? Both: [singing] Oh, there once was a sandman... [SpongeBob rides into the sandman. a musical note pops up] SpongeBob: Life's as extreme as you want to make it! [jumps off the mountain] Whoo! Girl: Maybe we didn't sing it right. [SpongeBob is flying toward the ground. When he hits it, two bones are sticking out] SpongeBob: Yeah. [cut to Sandy and SpongeBob standing outside Sandy's treedome] Whew, what a workout. [pulls out his right arm and shows its damages] I'm going to be feeling this tomorrow. [his arm falls to the ground] Ow. Sandy: I got to say, I'm impressed with you, SpongeBob. You're making this the best prehibernation week ever. SpongeBob: Well, I'd better get home before Gary chews up the sofa again. [sighs as he lifts up his left leg and moves it alternately with the other over to his house. Later, it's nighttime and he is finally crawling into bed] Good night, Gary. [falls asleep. Then Sandy pushes a button which launches SpongeBob out of his bed and into a lake. SpongeBob is now a block of ice. Sandy jumps in and becomes a block of ice] Sandy: Nothing like a refreshing morning dip, huh, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: [shivering] W-what h-happened to s-sleeping? [Sandy pulls down a calendar] Sandy: I'll be asleep all winter! We only got three days for fun. [swims away] Well, hurry now! The giant clams like to feed at this hour! [cut to SpongeBob lifting a bowling ball into a tube. Sandy blows her whistle giving the signal and SpongeBob runs to the end and picks up a few jacks before the bowling ball hits him on his head. Sandy does the same thing but the bowling ball cracks her helmet] Isn't this great? SpongeBob: Yeah! I've never played extreme jacks before! [cut to Sandy and SpongeBob with giant q-tips] Sandy: Okay, SpongeBob, this one's going to be fun. We just whack each other with these giant ear cleaners 'til one of us falls off. [lifts hers up] On your mark... get set... SpongeBob: Sandy, are you sure we're supposed to be standing up here? Sandy: Go! [hits SpongeBob off the Sea Needle. SpongeBob lands on a fire hydrant. Sandy rides up on a two-seated bike] Come on, SpongeBob. We're goin' for a tandem ride through the park! SpongeBob: Gee, that sounds safe! I mean, fun. [gets up but leaves a piece of himself on the fire hydrant. He jumps on the bike] Okay, I'm ready! I thought you said we were riding through the park, Sandy! Sandy: I did, SpongeBob, the industrial park! [they ride into a giant factory] This is where the real action is! [Sandy pedals on barbed wire] This part gets pretty technical! Yee-haw! Now for the speed course. Hold on! [they ride through a conveyor belt with a giant crunching mouth at the end] I hope we make it! [bike begins to fall to the ground fast. SpongeBob screams] I'm havin' fun, too! [as they hit the ground, SpongeBob melts into a puddle. Sandy tosses a fishing rod on him] Wake up, slowpoke. [scene scrolls over to show a plane] We're going fly-fishing. [rimshot] SpongeBob: [thinking] This squirrel's trying to kill me! Any more of these stunts and I'll be reduced to a puddle! [sees his shoe floating] Wait a minute, I've got to talk my way out of this! Sandy, I think I need to tell you something. Sandy: What is it? SpongeBob: Well, it's just that I'm feeling sort of... [his mouth melts away from his eyes. He pulls it back up] I just feel like maybe I need to... [his mouth melts away again. Sandy puts her hand over his mouth] Sandy: Hold that thought, SpongeBob! 'Cause it's time for a down-home favorite! [holds up a piece of hay. Pantera plays again] Find the hay in the needle stack! [throws it in a giant pile of needles] SpongeBob: [bites his fingers in fear. Cut to inside the needle pile where SpongeBob is saying "ow" as he gets pricked by the needles. One needle pricks his nose, causing it to deflate like a balloon. Deep voice] Ouch... Sandy: Did you find it? SpongeBob: Not yet. Sandy: Well I'm going to look over here! SpongeBob: You do that. [SpongeBob digs a hole underground then emerges] Sandy: Found it, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob runs away] Come on! Best two out of three! SpongeBob: Gotta hide! Uh... gotta hide! [looks at his house] Home? No. Gary can't keep a secret. [looks at Patrick's rock] Under a rock? It's so original! [as he jumps for the rock, his pants get stuck on a small coral bush] Sandy: SpongeBob?! [SpongeBob struggles to get free and eventually does, but leaves his pants stuck on the plant] SpongeBob? [walks up to SpongeBob's pants] Where are you, little square dude? [gasps] SpongeBob's tie! And all his other little dressin's! But... but... he always folds his clothes before runnin' around... [in an odd face expression] in the nude! Somethin' terrible must have happened to him! [goes to the Krusty Krab] Alright, listen up, y'all! I'm rounding up a search party! SpongeBob's gone missing! [Squidward smiles at Mr. Krabs, thinking that Mr. Krabs will not look for SpongeBob. Mr. Krabs gives Squidward an angry look] Mr. Krabs: Man the lifeboats! [Squidward frowns because they will search for SpongeBob] Sandy: Alpha Team, you search uptown, Gold Team searches downtown. Any questions? Frank: Gold Team rules! Sandy: Now get movin'! [crowd yelling] [Fred put a Lost poster with a picture of SpongeBob] SpongeBob? [Cuts to Sandy and the search party] Someone look up there! [Sandy pops out of a sewer] Put your dorsal fins into it! [cut to searching in the sulfur fields] Come on! He could be anywhere in these sulfur fields! [Incidental 31 looks in a spout] Clayton : Hey, SpongeBob! [a blast of sulfur hits him in the face] Well, at least I still have my personality. Sandy: Check in this here moist cave! [Old Man Jenkins, Nathaniel, and Scooter walk in shouting for SpongeBob, then run out screaming, realizing the cave is actually a three-eyed sea elephant] Sandy: Status report! Phil: [covered in Poison Sea Urchins] He's not at the Poison Sea Urchin cove. Sandy: Well, look again! Vera: [covered in leeches] He's not at the leech farm. Sandy: Well, look again! Squidward: He's not in my thoughts. Sandy: Well, think again! [cut to Sandy talking into a megaphone] Attention, Bikini Bottom, the time has come to double, no, triple our efforts! Squidward: How about a break?! We've been at it for days! Debbie: Think about the children! Sandy: That's a good idea! Use the children to crawl into small places you couldn't normally reach. Dave: [whispering to Norma] This is a load of barnacles. Sandy: I heard that! No one's going anywhere until we find SpongeBob! Frank: Uh... uh, wait! [picks up Francis] Uh, here he is! Sandy: That ain't SpongeBob! SpongeBob is square! [Frank squishes and stretches Francis into a square.] Francis: [in a poor imitation of SpongeBob] I'm ready! I'm ready! Sandy: No, you ain't! [Clay holds up a box of Kelp-O] Clay: I found SquareBob! Sandy: That's just a cereal box. Besides, he's yellow. Charlie: [holds up a banana] Uh... here he is! Hey, can I go home now? [Sandy becomes annoyed] Tina: [points up] Oh, look! He's up in the sky! [Sandy happily opens her mouth and looks up, but SpongeBob's not in the sky] Sandy: Well, he's not... huh? [everyone is gone] They must have gone to search some more. [they hide under Patrick's rock, with their eyeballs peeking out from the bottom, and a cough is heard, Sandy continues searching for SpongeBob] SpongeBob! Where are you?! [lifts up a house] You under there?! [lifts up another house] Nope! [lifts up another house where the unnamed fish from before is at] Skier: Uh, I can explain. Sandy: [lifts up another house] SpongeBob? [lifts up another house] Nope! [lifts up another house] Nope! [lifts up another house] Nope! SpongeBob! Where are you?! Man: [everyone is looking at Sandy] That squirrel's gone crazy. Woman: But she'll never look under a rock. SpongeBob: [laughs] You said it! Sandy'll never find us! [everyone glares at SpongeBob. He chuckles nervously, and they throw him out] Hey, wait, you don't understand! Squidward: [pops out from under the rock] Oh, look, it is I, SpongeBob, out here in the open! [Sandy turns around] Sandy: SpongeBob? SpongeBob: [screams in horror] Aah! C'mon, let me back in! You don't understand! [Sandy hugs him while everyone cheers] Sandy: Oh, SpongeBob, I was so worried! I thought something terrible happened! [grabs his arm] Come on, there's just enough time to go atom smashing! [runs but SpongeBob is not moving] SpongeBob: Sandy, wait! Sandy: There's no time to wait! Hibernation! [pulls on SpongeBob's arm] SpongeBob: Sandy, you've got to make time! This is important! [Sandy lets go of his arm] I... am a man! [holds up a razor] Okay, Sandy, I... I... I... I can't play with you anymore! I just can't take the games! They're... tearing me apart! [rips off his nose and throws it on the ground, then holds onto Sandy's legs crying] There, I said it! Now just promise we can still be friends! Please, Sandy, this isn't easy! I-- [notices Sandy has fallen asleep] Sandy? [chuckles a little] I never thought I'd say it, but thank Neptune for hibernation! [laughs and joins Sandy in her winter slumber, resting his head on her foot in the process] Patrick: [returning home with groceries and an ice cream] Who are you people? ===''Life of Crime'' [2.7b]=== :'''Patrick''': I wanna go home. :'''SpongeBob''': We can never go home, Pat; We're wanted men. We'll spend the rest of our lives running. Running, but at least it's warmer on the fire. :'''Patrick''': Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a- ''[The fire dissolves]'' I'm scared, SpongeBob. <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': Thanks, SpongeBob. I think I'll eat it now! ''[takes a big bite of the still-wrapped chocolate bar, finishes the rest, then sighs and wipes his face]'' I think I'll eat it now. ''[bites his hand accidentally]'' Ow! Huh? Where'd my candy bar go? I must have dropped it. :'''SpongeBob''': You just ate it, Pat. It's all over your face. :'''Patrick''': ''[still looking]'' Where'd it go? I'm gonna starve. Where'd it go? I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? ''[looks at SpongeBob]'' A-ha! :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Patrick''': ''[angrily confronts SpongeBob]'' You stole my candy bar! :'''SpongeBob''': No, I didn't. :'''Patrick''': Oh, so that's how it is, huh? Once a thief, always a thief. :'''SpongeBob''': You ate yours, this is mine. :'''Patrick''': You took my only food! ''[feels his stomach]'' Now I'm gonna starve! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hands Patrick his candy bar]'' Here, Patrick, just take half of mine. :'''Patrick''': ''[ticked off]'' Yours?! You mean mine! :'''SpongeBob''': Do you want it or what?! :'''Patrick''': ''[furiously grabs SpongeBob by the shirt]'' I don't want it unless you admit you took it! :'''SpongeBob:''' This is my candy bar! :'''Patrick''': Liar, liar, plants for hire. :'''SpongeBob''': It's "pants on fire," Patrick. :'''Patrick''': ''[furiously crosses his arms and angrily pouts]'' Well, you would know... liar. :'''SpongeBob''': Well, if you're going to be that way, I'll eat it myself! :'''Patrick''': ''[getting ticked off, fiercely gives SpongeBob a warning]'' You better not. I'm warning you! Don't! ''[High-pitched yelling]'' Stop it! Don't! ''[enraged]'' Ah! ''[covers his ears]'' Ah! ''[screaming and shaking his head, pulls his hair while screaming]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[rips open the wrapper]'' Aaah... ''[opens his mouth wide and takes the candy bar closer to his mouth, swaying his tongue up and down, chomps lightly on the bar, puts the bar in his wide open mouth; his two teeth go across the surface of the bar, making strings of chocolate, puts the bar through his head and moves it left to right, licks the candy bar, slowly pushes the candy bar into his mouth and starts chewing]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[turns red in anger]'' You're a crazy person! I should have expected this after the way you stole that balloon! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[enraged]'' Did I, Patrick, did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?! :'''Patrick''': ''[angrily stomp his foot down]'' Oh! That's it! First the balloon, now my candy bar... you're out of control! I'm... ''[menacingly threatens]'' I'm telling on you. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Not if I tell on you first! <hr width=50%> :'''Blue Officer''': If ya can't do the time, don't do the crime. :''[They slam the jail door on SpongeBob and Patrick; two seconds later...]'' :'''Blue Officer''': Okay, time's up. ''[reopens the cell]'' Now get out! :'''SpongeBob''': But... we stole a balloon. :'''Blue Officer''': Yeah, on ''Free Balloon Day!'' :''[The officers laugh as SpongeBob and Patrick stare surprised.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Orange Officer''': How about some lollipops for the road, boys? ''[gives 2 lollipops]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Let's vow never to borrow anything without permission again. :'''Patrick''': You said it! ''[the two cross their lollipops, but Patrick's is already eaten]'' All right! Which one of you flatfoots stole my lollipop? :''[They laugh; cuts to the island at night]'' :'''Patrick:''' ...I mean it. ==''[[w:Christmas Who?|Christmas Who?]]'' [2.8]== :'''Patchy''': [''looking at the window''] Three bells! We know what three bells mean... :'''Kids''': [''offset''] Free ice cream! :'''Patchy''': [''laughs''] No, you silly livers! No! <hr width=50%> :'''Patchy''': This letter comes to us from -- :'''Realistic Fish Head''': Name and address withheld. :'''Patchy''': And he writes: "Dear SpongeBob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..." :'''Realistic Fish Head''': Name and address withheld. :'''Patchy''': A very good question. But you know, they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom. :'''Potty''': ''[squawks]'' They didn't? :'''Patchy''': No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain! :''[Patchy cuts Potty's strings, and he falls to the ground; the operator falls as well.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts. :'''Patrick''': Like a genie! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Aww, our first Christmas. ''♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas!'' ''The first Christmas is this Christmas!'' ''[donkey appears on screen making noises]'' ''Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me!♪'' ''[laughs at SpongeBob and hits his butt over and over again]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You were right, Squidward. This was a stupid holiday. ''[cries; takes out a present]'' I still want you to have this. :'''Squidward''': ''[stops hitting his butt]'' What? What's this? :'''SpongeBob''': A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when... ''[lifts his inelegant blubbering head up]'' Santa came! ''[cries some more]'' :'''Squidward''': Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I... :'''SpongeBob''': You're welcome. ''[sadly walks off and cries]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old Krabby Patty, or... ''[imitates a hillbilly]'' his favorite underpants. Haha. Present. ''[opens the present]'' Why, it looks like a clarinet. ''[smells it]'' It smells like one, too. Handcrafted out of driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. ''[finds a button that says "push"]'' What's this? ''[pushes the button and three wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down]'' Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. ''[sniffles]'' Oh, I feel like a... ''[donkey appears on screen and makes noises]'' '''big jerk!''' <hr width=50%> :''[last lines]'' :'''French Narrator''': Well, it looks like Patchy's really busy at the moment, so I'll say it to him. Good night and happy holidays. ==Episode 9== ===''Survival of the Idiots'' [2.9a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''[as Dirty Dan; in a southern voice]'' Alright Pinhead, your time is up. :'''Patrick''': ''[as Pinhead Larry; with a look that seems to resemble [[w:Zippy the Pinhead|Zippy the Pinhead]]]'' Who you calling Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan? :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan! ''[SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow]'' I say ''I'm'' Dirty Dan. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hits Patrick]'' I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[hits SpongeBob]'' I'm Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': I'm Dirty Dan! :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan! :''[They continue to hit each other while saying "I'm Dirty Dan!". The commotion wakes Sandy up]'' :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan! ''[SpongeBob sees something behind Patrick and screams in terror]'' Screaming will get you nowh- ''[Sandy reaches out, grabs the top of Patrick's head and rips it off. Sandy huffs and growls as she stands behind Patrick, towering over him with sharpened teeth bared in a snarl]'' :'''Sandy''': ''[breathing heavily]'' Which one of you fellers is the '''real''' Dirty Dan?! :'''Patrick''': Uh... I am? ''[bad idea, as Sandy promptly backhands him and sends him flying across the treedome]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! :''[Patrick slams against the dome hard enough to leave a dent and little drumsticks float around his head]'' :'''Patrick''': Hot wings... ''[cut back to Sandy, who rounds on a cowering and terrified SpongeBob]'' :'''Sandy''': Okay, Pinhead Larry. Now you get yours! :''[SpongeBob's pupils shrink in fear, He screams and jumps away to avoid it seconds before Sandy's fist obliterates where he was just sitting. Sandy throws her head back and bellows]'' '''Pinhead...!''' ''[SpongeBob whimpers and runs, Sandy is close behind. SpongeBob later doesn't seem to be going far because he's right behind Sandy on the exercise wheel. He slips and gets flung across the wheel. He flies off and slams into the picnic table, leaving a giant crater in its place. Sandy leans over the crater]'' Now you're gonna pay for those crimes, Pinhead! ''[SpongeBob picks up a wood board]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy, stand back. I'm warning ya! ''[Sandy roars right in SpongeBob's face]'' Okay, I warned ya! ''[SpongeBob throws the wooden board, Patrick pops up beside Sandy]'' :'''Patrick''': Did you win? ''[he's hit by the board and rolls down the crater to SpongeBob's feet]'' Hi, SpongeBob. ''[Sandy growls before leaping into the crater. SpongeBob and Patrick cling onto each other in fear for their lives as a huge shadow covers them before a cloud obscures them, presumably simulating a fight. The scene fades to the treedome at night where two gravestones are in front of Sandy's Treedome: one for Dirty Dan and one for Pinhead Larry. Patrick and SpongeBob come up from under the snow in respective tombstone order]'' Okay, SpongeBob, you can be Dirty Dan. I just wanna be Patrick. :'''SpongeBob''': Let's get out of here before Sandy wakes up again! :''[the two run to the door and SpongeBob tries to open it, but his hands slip off the wheel and accidentally hits Patrick in the face]'' :'''Patrick''': Ouch! ''[covers his eyes in pain]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Sorry, Patrick, but the door is slippery! It's frozen shut! :'''Patrick''': Let me have a try. ''[he goes up to the door and spits on both hands, preparing to open the door]'' Open sesame! ''[nothing happens, Patrick shrugs]'' Well, I've done all I can do... :'''SpongeBob''': Then we're stuck in here... until the door thaws... in spring! :'''Patrick''': Barnacles! ''[cut to much later, where SpongeBob and Patrick are completely buried in the snow, shivering and blue]'' Is it spring yet? :'''SpongeBob''': Uhh, N-n-n-no. ''[Patrick and SpongeBob's snow covering on their faces break off]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Yeah! <hr width=50%> '''Sandy''': Oh, look, it's SpongeBob and Patrick! ''[With that, SpongeBob and Patrick go crazy trying to open the door. Patrick screams. Sandy walks over, completely hairless and in her bikini]'' :'''Sandy''': Hey, guys! ''[They climb off the door]'' ''[She sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. She looks down at her bald pink body and screams in horror.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': It's okay, Sandy. Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals. ''[Patrick removes the furry piece from his forehead, smiling fearfully. Sandy is really tickled off now.]'' :'''Sandy''': ''[growling with fury]'' SpongeBob! Patrick! :'''SpongeBob''': Don't worry, Sandy. We've got you covered. :''[He giggles nervously. Cut to Sandy's arm pouring some lemonade, she giggles]'' :'''Sandy''': ''[giggles]'' More lemonade, boys? ''[pan out to see that Patrick is curled around Sandy's head and SpongeBob around Sandy's body as punishment for ripping her fur to keep them warm, in order to cover up her bald pink hide and keep her warm until her fur grows back. The two take a glass.]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Thanks, Sandy. :'''Sandy''': Spring sure is lovely. ===''Dumped'' [2.9b]=== :'''Patrick''': Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here? :'''SpongeBob''': Laundry? But ''we'' used to do laundry! :'''Patrick''': And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[on the verge of breaking down]'' Soap? But ''we'' used to use soap! ''[holds up two different types of soap]'' Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du... :'''Patrick''': Here it comes... :'''SpongeBob''': ''[breaks out in a fountain of tears, each falling into the separate soapboxes and lathering them up in his hand]'' GARY, PLEASE COME BACK GARY! GARY, PLEASE COME HOME! I'M A WRECK WITHOUT YOU! ''[stops crying]'' I know! If you come back, there'll be a new no-rules rule. You can do whatever you want, when you want! ''[runs up to the sofa and tears it up furiously]'' If you feel like ripping the sofa, then you rip it up! ''[runs up to the litter box]'' And the litter box? Forget about it! ''[he dumps the litter on his head]'' The world is your litter box! ''[he runs to the fridge and opens it]'' And you don't even have to wait around for me to feed you anymore! 24-hour fridge access! ''[he takes a milk carton and drinks it]'' And you don't even have to use a bowl! ''[he runs to a giant carving of Squidward]'' And I know how much you like my prized driftwood carving of Squidward. ''[scratches at it]'' Well, think of it as your own personal scratching post! What do you think, Gary? Won't it be fun, Gary? ''[we see SpongeBob has carved Squidward into a heart]'' :'''Patrick''': How pathetic. :'''SpongeBob''': Gary? ''[the heart breaks in half and one half hits him. The two walk to the laundry room]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[patronisingly]'' I'm sorry, SpongeBob. But Gary's with me now. You had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past. Face it, SpongeBob, you're only hurting yourself. ''[he takes off his shorts and puts them in the machine; Gary crawls in after them]'' It's what Gary wants, and what Gary wants is me. Right, Gary? ''[Gary does not answer]'' Huh? :''[The two notice Gary is in the machine, nudging in Patrick's shorts and crunching on something.]'' :'''Patrick''': He only liked me for my shorts! :'''SpongeBob''': No, Patrick! He wanted the cookie in your pocket! :''[Gary is indeed eating the cookie. He finishes it, pops out of the machine, and crawls back to SpongeBob]'' :'''Gary''': Meow. :'''SpongeBob''': Gary? ''[Gary burps and happily meows]'' Whee! ''[hugs Gary]'' Oh, Gary, I knew you'd never leave me! Aww... ''[giggles, he takes his leash]'' Let's go for a walk, pal! ''[the two walk out of the house]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[left alone heartbroken and devastated]'' Gary? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL...!!! ''[the episode ends]'' ==Episode 10== ===''No Free Rides'' [2.10a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score? :'''Mrs. Puff''': Six. :'''SpongeBob''': Whoo! And how many do I need to pass? :'''Mrs. Puff''': Six. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[raising arms slowly]'' Whoo. :'''Mrs. Puff''': Hundred. ''[SpongeBob stops]'' :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 600. You need 600 to pass. You got six. :'''SpongeBob''': Don't worry. I'll be all right, Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year! ''[he slams his fist down, which causes a piece of the motor to fly upward]'' Well, see you next Tuesday! ''[SpongeBob walks off and the piece crashes on Mrs. Puff. She inflates like she always does when SpongeBob crashes. SpongeBob runs out to his unicycle-like bike]'' Yeah! ''[singing]'' I'm gonna get my driver's license and it's only gonna take one more year, one more year, one more super duper year. ''[goes around in circles on his bike]'' One more super-spectacular, extra-magical, extra-fantastical year! ''[Mrs. Puff looks on, still inflated]'' :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[thinking]'' Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh, there's only one way out: a teacher's ace in the hole! ''[starts to talk, when she does, she deflates to her normal size]'' ♪ Extra crediiiiit! ♪ :'''SpongeBob''': What was that, Mrs. Puff? ''[Mrs. Puff runs over and shakes him in joy]'' :'''Mrs. Puff''': Extra credit, SpongeBob! The extra credit! ''[laughing wildly]'' I still have a chance! I mean, you still have a chance. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[muffled]'' What's extra credit? :'''Mrs. Puff''': It's when you get credit for the things you weren't able to do before. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[singing]'' ♪ Oh… ♪ <hr width=50%> :'''Spongebob:''' ''[While Running and hanging on To the stolen boat Mrs. Puff is driving.]'' I'm... not... letting... go! Nothing will stop me! Not even- ''[Gasps as he sees the sign that reads...]'' Giant clams!? :''[Gets dragged through the field of clams causing him to miss some pieces while still hanging on to the boat.]'' :'''Spongebob:''' I'm... not... letting... go... even for... ''[Gasps again as he sees another sign that reads...] '''Cheese graters!?''' [skids through the graters thus appearing as nothing but the 4 Yellow Sponge strands with arms While still hanging on to the boat.]'' If you think I'll let go for a little... ''[approaches the most [https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/Citations:arson,_murder,_and_jaywalking worst sign of them all that reads...]]'' :'''Spongebob: ''[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Educational_television EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION!?] OH NO!!!''''' :''[Mrs Puffs hears SpongeBob scream off-screen.]'' : ===''I'm Your Biggest Fanatic'' [2.10b]=== :'''SpongeBob''': But Kevin, I was your biggest fan. :'''Kevin''': So were they. ''[points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]'' :'''Fish''': Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! ''[they cheer]'' ==Episode 11== ===''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III'' [2.11a]=== TV Announcer: The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! We join Bikini Bottom's noblest, boldest, oldest superheroes as they bravely prepare for vacation. [both pack their clothes into their bags while the words "FOLD" and "PACK" come up] But wait! While our heroes relax at Leisure Village, who will watch the Mermalair? [Barnacle Boy opens the doors and SpongeBob and Patrick jump in] SpongeBob: ManSponge... Patrick: ...and BoyPatrick... Both: Reporting for duty! Barnacle Boy: Yeah, yeah, follow me. Both: Up, up, and away! Mermaid Man: Evil! Barnacle Boy: Now, we want you boys to keep an eye on the place. Water the plants, and make sure that... SpongeBob: Oh, my gosh, Patrick! This is the greatest wall of superhero secret gadgetry ever! I'm going to play with the Cosmic-Ray! Patrick: I get the Aqua-Glove! Mermaid Man: Hold on there, boys! You cannot play with this stuff. SpongeBob: What about the Orb of Confusion? [turns the orb on and makes confused faces] Mermaid Man: [turns it off] No, no! Prolonged exposure to the Orb of Confusion will give you... uh... confusion! Patrick: [opens the boat's door] What about the Invisible Boatmobile? Barnacle Boy: Especially not the Invisible Boatmobile! [closes the boat's door] When we say don't touch anything, we mean don't touch anything! Do you understand? SpongeBob and Patrick: [salutes] Loud and clear, trusted boy companion! Barnacle Boy: Well, great. Here are the keys. [SpongeBob takes the key from his hand] We'll see you in a week. Mermaid Man: [both run out the door] Up, up, and away! SpongeBob: Come, BoyPatrick, while our heroes are away, we will keep evil at bay! [both flip into the other room while letting out battle cries] Patrick: Huh? Muh-muh-muh-ma-muh-muh-ma-muh-ma... SpongeBob: What is it, trusted sidekick? Patrick: Muh-muh-muh-ma-muh-muh-ma-muh-ma! Muh-muh-muh-ma-muh-muh-ma-muh-ma! SpongeBob and Patrick: Muh-muh-muh-ma-muh-muh-ma-muh-ma! Muh-muh-muh-ma-muh-muh-ma-muh-ma! Man Ray! [both scream, then hide] Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, how come he's not chasing us? SpongeBob: Looks like he's frozen or something. Patrick: Fruh-fruh-fruh-fro-fruh-fruh-fro-fruh-fro... SpongeBob: It appears to be some sort of prison chamber... [licks the chamber] ...made out of frozen tartar sauce. This is incredible! Next to the Dirty Bubble, the evil Man Ray is the all-time greatest arch nemesis of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. I have so many questions to ask him! [Patrick pulls the lever down to UNFREEZE] Pat, what are you doing? We're not supposed to touch anything! Patrick: But you said you had a question. SpongeBob: We could get in trouble! Patrick: Well, that's not a question. [they both argue when Man Ray's eyes start to light up] SpongeBob: They said not to touch anything and that includes unfreezing a super-villain! [pulls level up back to FREEZE] Man Ray: I'm free! Hahaha! SpongeBob: Uh, actually, Mr. uh... Man Ray, sir, only your head is free. Man Ray: By the supreme authority of wickedness, I, the evil Man Ray, command you to release me from this frozen prison at once! SpongeBob: Well, uhh, Mr. Evil Man Ray, sir, we can't do that. Man Ray: Why... not?! SpongeBob: Because you're evil! Man Ray: You mean, if I was good, then you'd let me go? SpongeBob: Yeah, sure, why not? Man Ray: Then, uh, in that case... I am good. SpongeBob: Really? Man Ray: Yes, really. SpongeBob: Really, really? Man Ray: Yes, yes, really, really. SpongeBob: Really, really, really? Man Ray: Yes, yes, already! I'm good! I'm good! Now let me out of here or you'll suffer dire consequences! SpongeBob: Well, that's good enough for me. [SpongeBob pulls the lever back to "UNFREEZE" Man Ray is unfrozen and falls to the ground] Man Ray: You fools! Prepare to be eradicated! [tries to jump at SpongeBob and Patrick but stops in mid-air and falls to the ground then laughs] What's wrong with me? Hahaha! What is this...Hahaha...infernal contraption?! SpongeBob: Don't play dumb, Man Ray! You know that's the tickle belt Mermaid Man used on you in episode #17! Narrator: [showing a picture of the belt] As seen in episode #17! Patrick: Oh, I love that episode. SpongeBob: Oh, me too, me too! Man Ray: I'll never get out of here wearing this belt! [chuckles] I... I need an evil plan that will trick them to take it off me. [chuckles again] Time for those acting lessons to pay off. SpongeBob: Remember that part Mermaid Man and Barnacle... Man Ray: Oh, boohoo! Oh, sob! Oh, cry! [opens and closes his eyes] Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like being evil for so long. Oh, how I wish to be... good. If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency. [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp] SpongeBob: We could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go! Man Ray: [turns around] Ahh, that would be fantastic! [chuckles] I'll fake my way through this just like I did in high school. [laughs] SpongeBob: Okay, Man Ray. Are you ready for your first day at goodness school? [Man Ray puts an apple on his desk] Pat, get your wallet out. [Patrick gets his wallet out of his pocket] Okay, goodness lesson number one. You see someone drop their wallet... Patrick, drop the wallet. [Patrick tosses it on the ground] Now, what do you do? Man Ray: [holds it out to Patrick] Excuse me, sir! But I do believe you've dropped your wallet. Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me. Man Ray: What? I just saw you drop it. Here. Patrick: Nope, it's not mine. Man Ray: It is yours. I... am trying to be a good person and return it to you. Patrick: Return what to who? Man Ray: [facepalms, then shows Patrick his own ID] Aren't you Patrick Star? Patrick: Yup. Man Ray: And this is your ID. Patrick: Yup. Man Ray: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet. Patrick: That makes sense to me. Man Ray: Then take it. Patrick: It's not my wallet. Man Ray: [in anger and frustration] You dim bulb! Take back your wallet or I'll rip your arms off! [SpongeBob pushes tickle button and Man Ray laughs] SpongeBob: Ah-ah! Wrong. [pushes button] Good people don't rip other people's arms off! [Man Ray chuckles] [Bubble transition] SpongeBob: Okay, goodness lesson number two. [Patrick walks in with a package, straining] You see someone struggling with a heavy package. What do you do? Man Ray: Hello, friend! I noticed you were struggling with that package. Would you like some help with-- [Patrick drops package on his foot] Ow! Patrick: Oops, sorry. Can I start over? Man Ray: I noticed you w-- [Patrick drops package again] Oww! Patrick: Oops! Gotta start again. Man Ray: Would-- [Patrick drops package again] Ahh! Patrick: Oops! Man Ray: [Growls in anger] You butter-fingered pink thing! What's in that box anyhow? Patrick: My wallets. Man Ray: [Screams in fury. He grabs Patrick's head] Patrick: No! SpongeBob, tickle him! [Man Ray slams him into the ground back and forth. SpongeBob presses the tickle button] Man Ray: [laughs] It tickles, but it's worth it! [continues slamming Patrick into the ground, while still laughing] SpongeBob: Alright, goodness lesson number three. [Patrick is shown angry and severely injured] Uhh, let's see. [Patrick grabs the remote] Patrick: I've got one. I'm thinking of a number between one and one hundred. What is it? Man Ray: Um... sixty-two? Patrick: Wrong! [pushes button] Man Ray: Haha! Stop! SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, that's got nothing to do with being good. Patrick: Let go of it, SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Pat, we've got to use it only when he's bad! Patrick: Let go! SpongeBob: No, you let go! Both: Let... go! [remote breaks and the belt goes hay-wire] Man Ray: Frequency rising! Belt out of control! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Belt on too hard! [he continues to laugh] It's tickling my DNA! Make it stop! [tears come out as he laughs] Haha! Please! SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Patrick? He said the P word. Patrick: Peanuts? SpongeBob: No. Please. Patrick: Well, that's good enough for me. I guess he's reconstituted. SpongeBob: Rehabilitated. Patrick: Gesundheit. SpongeBob: It's graduation day, Man Ray. This is the key to your future. [unlocks the belt, then the tickling stops] Just look at him, Patrick. The picture of goodness. [Man Ray takes the Aqua-Glove off the wall of weapons] Umm, we're not supposed to touch that stuff. [Man Ray put the glove on his hand and activates it] We're not supposed to touch that, either. [Man Ray grabs the Cosmic-Ray and attaches it on the Aqua-Glove] We are really not suppose to touch those, sir. [He aims the weapon at SpongeBob and Patrick] Good people have no use for weapons such as... [Man Ray zaps them into dust] Thooose! Man Ray: [laughs] The only thing I'm good at is being evil. [door opens and Man Ray runs] So long, suckers! Patrick: What's that smell, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: That, Patrick, is the smell of defeat. Patrick: Good, I thought it was my skin. SpongeBob: Forget about your skin, Patrick! Man Ray is still bad and someone has to stop him. This is a job for Mermaid Man... Patrick: ...and Barnacle Boy! [both slide down the poles and get their costumes on] SpongeBob: To the Invisible Boatmobile! [both stop in the invisible boat] Patrick: Ignition, on! SpongeBob: Wait! I don't have a license! Patrick: Well, this is an invisible boat, right? So, you need an invisible license. [shapes hand into a rectangle] SpongeBob: You're the best sidekick ever, Barnacle Boy. [they scream as the boat rams through the wall and into a street light] Patrick: Thank goodness for invisible seat belts! Man Ray: [walks past SpongeBob and Patrick] Out of my way, fools! You no longer have control of me. [stops at the edge of the cliff and points to Bikini Bottom] And now this town belongs to...Man Ray! [he does a victory pose] SpongeBob: Not so fast, arch-villain! We still have the Orb of Confusion! [Patrick takes out the Orb of Confusion] Take this! [turns it on and gets all confused] Doy... Duh... Man Ray: Well, that was easy. [heads to the bank where he kicks in the door] Hahaha! All right, people! Everybody stand right where you are! [citizens: Vera Fishbowl, Harold "Bill" Reginald, Sylvester, Lloyd-Rich, and Nancy gasp] Man Ray: I want you to, uh... [Man Ray chuckles, so everyone else chuckles, too] No! No! Stop giggling or I'll have to... [chuckles again, so everyone else is still chuckling] Stop laughing, you fools! Nancy Suzy Fish: What can I do for you, sir? Man Ray: I'll tell you what you can do! [points glove at the lady] Gimme all of your... [Man Ray chuckles again] G-gimme, gimme all of your... [Man Ray is still chuckling] Give me...! [he chuckles so much he realizes what's going on] Aah! The belt is gone, but I still feel its tickle! The urge to do bad is gone! [sighs] I guess I'll just open a checking account. [Man Ray returns to SpongeBob and Patrick and turns the Orb of Confusion off] SpongeBob: Doy... [gasps] Man Ray! Man Ray: No need to be alarmed, SpongeBob. Your teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks... with little poodles on them! [Man Ray takes his head off and gives it to SpongeBob] I won't be needing this anymore. Farewell, fellow do-gooder. [walks off] SpongeBob: Bye, Man Ray! Wow, we did it! Just like the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! We saved the day! Isn't it incredible, Patrick?! Patrick? Patrick: Uhh... [still has a confused look on his face] SpongeBob: Patrick, you know that thing's turned off, right? Patrick? Woo-hoo? Patrick? ===''Squirrel Jokes'' [2.11b]=== [Lights are circling outside the Krusty Krab. Inside, there is a sign hanging from the ceiling that reads 'Komedy Krab.'] Mr. Krabs: Okay, everybody settle down. Welcome [pauses] to the Komedy Krab! [puts an arrow on his eyes. Everyone laughs] Now please give a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible Dougie Williams! [Dougie walks onto the stage as Mr. Krabs walks out.] Dougie Williams: Good evening, folks. I'm going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at ya![pulls out a cart of pies. The crowd takes out their umbrellas. SpongeBob opens the curtain from behind and gets splattered in the face with pie] SpongeBob: [laughs] I hope I do as good as that guy. Dougie Williams: [backstage] Man, those people will laugh at anything. Hey, don't sweat it kid, I got 'em all warmed up for ya. Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! [SpongeBob walks out with a bow tie on.] Sandy: Go get 'em, SpongeBob! Patrick: [sitting at a table with Sandy] Whoo-hoo! [SpongeBob gives them a thumbs-up.] SpongeBob: Hey, hey, hey ladies and jellyfish, have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean? [No one laughs. A cricket is heard chirping. Cut to a live-action clip of a cricket chirping.] SpongeBob: And tomatoes -- what's the deal on those things? [chuckles weakly. Crowd is still silent] I mean, you chop them up into slices, but... [cut again to the cricket, this time as a still image.] What are they, vegetables or... fruit? And what does that make-ketchup? [chuckles weakly] Fred: Oh, brother, this guy stinks! Harold: [with an Australian accent] Hey, hey, funny guy! I've got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep? SpongeBob: Um, noxious gas? Harold: No! Your act! [The entire audience laughs.] SpongeBob: Did you ever notice how, uhh... [notices a fork on a table] ...forks, uhh... Fred: Forks?! Come on! [The crowd is booing at SpongeBob.] SpongeBob: [thinking] Quick, SpongeBob, make a witty observation! [SpongeBob looks around the crowd booing at him for material; even Patrick is booing.] Patrick: Boo! Boo! SpongeBob: [notices Sandy's teeth] Did you ever notice how...big squirrels' teeth are? [The crowd chuckles.] Incidental 92: That's true. Sandy: Huh? SpongeBob: I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things! [The crowd laughs more.] SpongeBob: And what's up with that squirrel fur? I guess fleas need a home, too! [The crowd laughs loud.] Patrick: [laughing] Squirrel fur! [Sandy grins nervously] SpongeBob: And they smell! But hey, you'd stink too if you spent three months [Southern accent] buried in dirt! [Sandy laughs uneasily. The crowd laughs.] SpongeBob: [laughs] [switches to regular voice] Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb? Fred: Why? SpongeBob: Because, they're so darn stupid! [raises his right hand to punctuate the punchline of the joke] [The crowd laughs.] Patrick: [laughs loudly] Oh, that's a good one, eh, Sandy? Sandy: [chuckles nervously] Uh, uh, yeah... [The crowd cheers loudly and chants as SpongeBob walks behind the curtain where Mr. Krabs is waiting for him.] Mr. Krabs: That was fantastic, boy! You really knocked 'em out! I think I'll do this joke night again with you as the headliner! SpongeBob: I never thought I could be a headliner! Whatever that is. Mr. Krabs: The headliner's the one who cleans up after the show. [hands SpongeBob a mop] SpongeBob: Well, at least I don't have to clean up my act! [rimshot is played as he laughs] Mr. Krabs: Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy. Now get busy! [walks off] SpongeBob: Mops, mops, mops, what's up with those things? I mean, really. [walks up to Sandy] Oh, hey, Sandy! Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Did you like the show? Sandy: Well, ac-actually, SpongeBob.....no. Those jokes are hurtful and you know it. SpongeBob: [nudges Sandy with his elbow] Come on, Sandy, I was just joking. I mean, everybody knows that you're the smartest one in Bikini Bottom. Sandy: Well, I can't argue with that. SpongeBob: We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while. I do it all the time! [holds up a mirror and laughs excessively into it] [puts the mirror down] [holds the mirror back up, laughing hysterically into it, cutting Sandy off just as she tries to speak] Sandy: [chuckles] You're right, SpongeBob. I was being a little too sensitive. [both hug] No hard feelings. [The scene cuts to Sandy at Barg'N-Mart.] Sandy: Okay, deodorant. Huh, let's see. Roll-on or stick? [Fred and Suzy walk by. They gossip about Sandy behind her back.] Fred: I think she should buy both. [laughs] Sandy: Huh? Scooter: Hey, look, guys! [seen with Morty and Incidental 28] [points at Sandy] It's the stupid squirrel! Morty: I know, let's try and communicate with it. Scooter, Morty and Incidental 28: Duh... [making funny faces, then walk off laughing] Sandy: Hmph! [throws the deodorant into the cart, then walks up and stop in front of a little kid] Hello, little critter! What's your name? Incidental 115: [grabs her child] Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy! You'll catch it's stupid! [walks off] Billy: Okay, mom. Sandy: Stupidity isn't a virus. But it sure is spreadin' like one! [The scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where everyone is chanting for SpongeBob. SpongeBob is sitting at a desk preparing for his act.] SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la-la! Squirrely, squirrely, squirrely, squirrrrrel! Because they're stupid! Because they're stupid! [points in front of him] Sandy: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Sandy. Sandy: Um, I need to talk to you about them squirrel jokes. SpongeBob: We already talked about that, remember? [looks in a mirror and laughs excessively] Sandy: SpongeBob, this is serious. Since you've been telling them jokes, people have been treatin' me different. [Patrick walks backstage.] Patrick: SpongeBob, five minutes. [notices Sandy, then talks slowly] Hel-lo... Sandy. Me Patrick. Do you un-der-staaaand? [Sandy looks away] Squirrels. [walks off] Sandy: Y-y-you see? That's what I'm talkin' about! SpongeBob: Ah, that's just Patrick. He's just fooling around. Sandy: I'm just askin' you as a friend, please lay off them squirrel jokes, okay? Tell some of them other jokes you got. SpongeBob: [nervously] Other jokes? [imagines the fork joke] Bah! I got a million of them. Sandy: [hugs SpongeBob] Thanks, SpongeBob, I knew you'd understand. [leaves backstage to her seat] [The crowd is still chanting for SpongeBob.] Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants! [Everyone in the audience cheers as SpongeBob walks out.] SpongeBob: Uhh, hi. [mic feedback] [chuckles nervously] Uhh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish. [rimshot plays] [The crowd is confused.] "What?" "What did he say?" SpongeBob: I guess you heard that one. Sandy: I haven't heard it! [chuckles] Good one, SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Thank you, you're too kind. Hey, what about this water? I mean, this stuff's everywhere. Patrick: Tell the one about the squirrel and the light bulbs! SpongeBob: Er..e..Uhh... [takes out a big rubber chicken] Hey, what about this thing? Huh? Huh, huh? Incidental 10: Get on with the squirrel jokes! [The crowd chants "squirrel jokes" fifteen times.] SpongeBob: [in his head] What do I do? What do I do? SpongeBob, you've got a choice to make. [looks at Sandy] Your friends... [looks at his microphone] ...or your career? [After a second, he drops the microphone and everyone gasps. He walks backstage, then he jumps back on stage with hillbilly teeth.] SpongeBob: [loudly] Howdy, y'all! [The crowd cheers loudly.] SpongeBob: [Southern accent] How come it takes more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb? All of the audience except Sandy: [yells in sync with SpongeBob] Because they're so darn stupid! SpongeBob: [laughs as he walks around tooting a bicycle horn] My people! [Sandy gets angry] But seriously folks, I wanna give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy. [spotlight on Sandy as the two women around her giggle] Sandy, don't you see? The crowd loves these jokes. [to the audience] Am I right?! [the crowd cheers; to Sandy] Don't you see, Sandy? We're laughing with you, not at you! Do you understand now, Sandy? Huh, do ya? Sandy: [deadpan] I understand exactly what's goin' on, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Great. I knew sooner or later you'd understand. What a great sport. [to the audience] Let's give a big hand to Sandy! But clap slow, because remember... She's a squirrel! [the crowd is cheering their loudest] Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience, and uhh, good night! [walks backstage] Ah... another spectacular performance, SpongeBob. [sees a note taped to his mirror] Oh, what's this, a fan letter?[takes the note off his mirror and reads it] Sandy: [voiceover] You were right, SpongeBob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the treedome tomorrow and celebrate. Sandy. SpongeBob: You did it, SpongeBob. You get to keep your career [points at his reflection] and your friends. [The scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to the Treedome with his water helmet on and flowers in his hands. He knocks on the door then sniffs the flowers as the water empties from the Treedome's front foyer.] SpongeBob: I'm glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy. [The door opens; SpongeBob presents the flowers with eyes closed.] SpongeBob: Good morning, Sandy. [SpongeBob opens his eyes and stares on in shock; Sandy is dressed as a hillbilly with flies floating around her.] Sandy: Well, hoooow-deeeeeee! SpongeBob: Sandy, are you feeling alright? Sandy: I'm just bein' my own au-natu-rally squirrelly self! [licks her teeth with her tongue. SpongeBob laughs nervously] Well, come on in! Y'all must be tired from tellin' them funny jokes all the time. Why don't you take a load off? [pushes him onto a log with extra sticky glue on it] SpongeBob: [notices the seat and tries to get off]Uhh, Sandy, I think something's wrong with this seat. [points at the log] Sandy: Naw, [holds up a brush and a bucket of glue] I just done put glue on it so you wouldn't fall off. [gasps and grabs the flowers that SpongeBob was holding] Are them flowers for me?! You even done got me a vase! [takes SpongeBob's water helmet off his head] SpongeBob: But, Sandy, that-that's not a... [Sandy places the flowers in the water helmet] Sandy: Ain't that purdy? SpongeBob: [shown already dried out] Sandy, I need wa...[points to his mouth] Sandy: Oh, that's right! You's a sea critter! Now what was that thing sea critters need? Umm, uh... let's see, Sea critters need, uhh... [a big lump in her throat wiggles up and down] SpongeBob: Wa... Sandy: [covers SpongeBob's mouth] Oh, wait, don't tell me. I know this one! SpongeBob: Wa... Sandy: A wallet? A watch? Waffles? SpongeBob: [hoarsely] Sandy! Water! Sandy: Well, why didn't you just say so? [puts the end of a hose in SpongeBob's mouth] Here you go! Yup, us squirrels sure is stupid. [connects the other end of the hose to a pipe then turns it on. SpongeBob enlarges as more water enters into him] SpongeBob: [muffled] Sandy! Sandy: Dumb, dumb, dumb, squirrels is dumb. SpongeBob: Sandy! Okay, Sandy, I get it! Sandy: What's that? You want more? [connects to the end of the hose to a bigger pipe and turns it on sucking water out from the ocean] Okey-dokey! More water for the sea-critter! [SpongeBob is still enlarging.] SpongeBob: Okay, Sandy, okay! I get it! [he has filled up every inch of the Treedome] No more squirrel jokes. [The scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where the crowd is chanting for SpongeBob again. SpongeBob, who has bandages on his face covering his wounds, goes on stage.] SpongeBob: Thank you, thank you very much. Well, on my way over here, I ran into a squirrel. [Winks at Sandy. Cut to Patrick showing his excited smile, Sandy blinks with a smirk.] And I said, 'Hey, why don't you go get a couple of your squirrel friends and we'll go change a light bulb?' [The crowd cheers.] SpongeBob: But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge! [points at himself] [The crowd is silent.] SpongeBob: I mean, we're so dumb, we don't even have a vertebrae! [twists himself] Look at me! [bends left and right] I got no bones! Incidental 92: That's true. [The crowd laughs.] SpongeBob: Crabs? Oh, brother. They're so cheap, [rubs his two fingers together] they can't even pay attention! [points to his head] Mr. Krabs: [laughs] It's true, I am cheap! SpongeBob: Now, let me tell you about those fish. Boy, are they smelly. [holds his nose shuts with his fingers] Whoo-hoo! How could a creature who spends so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! [imitates a fish] Soap... soap... what is... soap? [The crowd laughs more. SpongeBob and Sandy give each other a thumbs-up as the scene cuts to an outside view of the Krusty Krab.] SpongeBob: And don't even get me started on starfish! [The episode ends.] ==Episode 12== ===''Pressure'' [2.12a]=== :'''Sandy''': I'm a squirrel. See? ''[points to the acorn logo on her suit]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I thought that meant you were nuts. :'''Sandy''': Nope. It means I'm a natural born climber! I'm from the surface world, and nothing prepares you for climbing like growing up on good old dry land. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Krabs''': Neptune preserve her! :'''Squidward''': How long can she stay like that? :'''SpongeBob''': I don't know. :'''Patrick''': Sandy's a girl? :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, Sandy. You sure provided us wrong. I guess land creatures are better. ''[bubbles rise from Sandy's lips]'' At least until they need to breathe... ''[he, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs chuckle while Sandy angrily squints one eye at them]'' Yep, won't be long now. :'''Sandy''': ''[starts struggling to hold her breath]'' Mm? :'''SpongeBob''': Feeling lightheaded yet? :'''Sandy''': ''[shakes her head]'' Uh-uh. :'''SpongeBob''': Remember this? ''[takes a deep breath in and out. Sandy is seen sweating profusely]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': It's free! ''[also takes a deep breath in and out]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Sandy''': Oh, you mean for your chicken costumes? :'''Patrick''': ''[holding and eating popcorn]'' Hey, we are not chicken! ''[drops his popcorn]'' Huh! My popcorn! ''[begins pecking at it like a chicken]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, we're not chicken, we'll do it. ''[looks at the water's surface and pokes his finger above the water]'' There! Mission accomplished! :'''Sandy''': Look, unless you can stay above water for one measly minute, you forfeit the contest and prove that land creatures are better than sea creatures! :'''SpongeBob''': No way, San-day. We can take on your challenge. :'''All''': Yeah! :'''SpongeBob''': We're sea creatures! :'''All''': Yeah! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay. Well, this is it. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Wait, boy! ''[gives him a glass of water]'' Make it last. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[drinks from it]'' Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Okay. Here I go! ''[the scene changes to live action as he gasps out of the water. He is now a real yellow kitchen sponge on a stick]'' Hey, this isn't so bad! We can do this! Hey, Patrick, come on up! The air is fine! :'''Patrick''': I'm gonna do it quick and get it over with. Cannonball! ''[jumps out of the water. He is now a real pink starfish, missing his trunks, on a stick]'' Hey, I lost my trunks! Hi, SpongeBob! :'''SpongeBob''': All right, Pat! You made it! Come on up, Mr. Krabs! Up here! :'''Mr. Krabs''': All ashore that's going ashore, Mr. Squidward! Land ho! ''[runs up. He is a red rubber toy crab on a stick]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Looking good, Mr. Krabs! :'''Patrick''': Yeah! Yeah, whoo-hoo! :'''SpongeBob''': Come on, Squidward! You're missing all the dry. Come on, Squidward! :'''All''': ''[chanting]'' Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! :'''Squidward''': Well, l'll do it, but I won’t like it. ''[walks up. He is a puppet octopus with his eyes and big nose. All stop chanting]'' What? :'''SpongeBob''': Well, here we are! ''[all four are walking on the island]'' :'''Squidward''': This is pretty easy! :'''Patrick''': I may keep a second rock up here! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Once you get your land legs, it's not so bad! :'''SpongeBob''': We're the masters of land and sea! ''[a string puppet seagull lands in front of him]'' Hey, it's a local. Hi! We're from underwater! Do you know Sandy Cheeks? ''[the seagull looks at screen]'' :'''Sandy''': Three, two, one. Well, tan my fur! They made it! Better go congratulate them! ''[walks onto the island. She is now a real plush squirrel toy with a small, round plastic helmet on her head]'' SpongeBob? Patrick? Hmm, where do those critters get to? ''[sees the seagulls attacking all four of them; one of them is trying to eat Patrick, while the other is chasing SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward]'' ''[gasps]'' Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hiyah! ''[attacks the birds offscreen and feathers start flying. All five sink back down to the seabed, with Squidward upside-down]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Uh, thanks for saving us, Sandy. :'''Sandy''': You know, everyone's best at things. :'''SpongeBob''': But no one's best at everything. Sorry I made you take off your helmet, Sandy. :'''Sandy''': Sorry I made you go up on dry land, SpongeBob. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Three cheers for feeling sorry for us! Hip hip... :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hip hip... :'''All''': Hooray! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hip hip... :'''Seagulls''': ''[lying injured on the island with their feathers missing]'' Hooray! ===''[[w:The Smoking Peanut|The Smoking Peanut]]'' [2.12b]=== :'''Zoo Worker 1''': What's wrong with Clamu? :'''Joe''': Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember? :''[Clamu snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]'' :'''Patrick''': Now, this is a show! :''[Outside...]'' :'''Announcer''': Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. ''[everybody does that]'' Thanks for coming. :''[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]'' :'''Zoo Worker 1''': You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionalm ppppply disturbed oyster. ''[points at SpongeBob]'' You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you? :'''SpongeBob''': Uh... :'''Patrick''': No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hides the peanut bag]'' Right. ''[lets out a nervous shriek]'' :''[Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]'' :'''Patrick''': If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are", and..."a jerk"! <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Aw, what am I getting so worked up about? I'm sure that by tomorrow, this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory. ''[giggles]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': This is it! All of the clues are coming together. I followed these footprints right to this exact spot, and then, right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! Oh, I'm so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it. ''[zoom in on Patrick seemingly licking SpongeBob's head. Zoom out to reveal that he is actually licking a yellow ice cream pop]'' Boy, crime fighting sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot. <hr width=50%> :'''Zoo Worker 1''': Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! ''[the crowd gets disgusted]'' Wait a minute... ''[reveals Clamu's pearl]'' Behold! The oyster's pearl! ''[the crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu]'' Here you go, girl. :''[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster]'' :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama. Mama. :'''SpongeBob''': Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg! :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama. :''[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other]'' :'''All''': Awww... ''[they glare at Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': But it's Free Day! :''[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him, thus ending the episode]'' ==Episode 13== ===''Shanghaied'' [2.13a]=== :'''Patchy''': [''to telephone''] No, not now! Don't call 'til I tell you to! Roll the cartoon! Now, remember to vote at the end because... <hr width=50%> :''[As SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward climb the anchor rope.]'' :'''Narrator''': A few inches later... :'''Spongebob:''' ''[Points upward]'' Look! :'''Patrick:''' [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shipping_(fandom) SpongeBob, how long are you going to stay in your little fantasy world?] <hr width=50%> :'''Dutchman''': I’ve been thinkin'. ''[they both stop]'' This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out...It's not really you so much as it is me. :'''SpongeBob''': You're setting us free? :'''Dutchman''': Well actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner. ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Boy, I'm glad all that's over! <hr width=50%> :'''Random Voice''': All hands, all hands! Time to vote! It's voting time! <hr width=50%> :'''Patchy''': [''saddened''] Hold on! [''blows his nose''] Sorry about that, kids! It's just that old Patchy can't help but get all choked up at the end of a show; but the good news is when you watch this cartoon land-lubbing style like you usually do, it'll have the ending you picked, so now you're an official big time decision maker! [''cues some monkeys playing instruments at the zoo in greyscale''] Just don't let it go to your head. Well, say good night to the folks, Potty! Potty? :'''Potty''': [''with suit and briefcase''] I quit! ===''Gary Takes a Bath'' [2.13b]=== :''[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages. ''[images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear]'' ''[walking away]'' Sorry you had to see that. ==Episode 14== ===''[[w:Welcome to the Chum Bucket|Welcome to the Chum Bucket]]'' [2.14a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': Plankton?! ''[Plankton appears in an imagine bubble]'' But Mr. Krabs, he’s your arch enemy, he's been trying to steal the Krabby Patty Formula for years. ''[swats Plankton]'' :'''Plankton''': Ouch. <hr width=50%> :''[Cut to the morning where Mr. Krabs walks to work crying, and SpongeBob walks in laughing.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Takin' him to the cleaners! That's a hot one! ''[Mr. Krabs leans against the Krusty Krab doors]'' How'd the card game go last night, Mr. Krabs? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I lost. :'''SpongeBob''': Barnacles, Mr. Krabs! How much money did ya lose? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I didn't lose any money. ''[sheds away a tear]'' I lost... :'''SpongeBob''': Don't tell me you lost the Krusty Krab! :'''Mr. Krabs''': I lost... ''[SpongeBob grabs him]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, please tell me you didn't lose the... ''Krabby Patty secret formula''! :'''Mr. Krabs''': I... lost... ''[points to SpongeBob]'' YOU! :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I bet your contract, and I lost. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stares blankly, then laughs]'' Good one, Mr. Krabs. Well, I gotta go make those Krabby Patties. ''[begins to walk to the door, but Mr. Krabs' claw stops him. After continually walking and getting nowhere, he falls to the floor]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': I'm afraid... you don't work here anymore. :'''Squidward''': ''[runs out the door to the two]'' Please tell me this isn't a joke. :'''SpongeBob''': Go on, Mr. Krabs. Tell him. Tell him all about your cruel, sick joke. :'''Plankton''': ''[walks over]'' As much as I love cruel, sick jokes, I'm afraid he's not joking. ''[points at SpongeBob]'' You work for me now, SpongeBob. ''[whips out a bucket with the initials "CB" on it]'' Time to put on the official Chum Bucket bucket helmet. ''[jumps onto SpongeBob's head, kicks off the Krusty Krew hat and puts the bucket on his head. SpongeBob screams and runs to Mr. Krabs while knocking Plankton and the bucket off his head]'' :'''SpongeBob''': But Mr. Krabs, I don't wanna work for him! ''[tugs at Krabs' shirt collar]'' I wanna work for you, here at the Krusty Krab! ''[he and Krabs start crying loudly and hug]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': I'm sorry, boy! It's all my fault! :'''Plankton''': ''[pretending to sound genuinely sad]'' What kind of cold, heartless person would break apart such a loving relationship? ''[whips out a crowbar]'' I would! ''[jumps up and uses the crowbar to pry SpongeBob off Krabs. SpongeBob goes flying with Mr. Krabs' arms still clung to him]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob! :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs! ''[slams into a cage and Krabs' arms fly off him. Plankton walks over and shuts the door]'' :'''Plankton''': This is your greatest blunder, Krabs. For fifteen years, I've been throwin' those card games just waitin' for you to slip up. I may not have the precious Krabby Patty formula, but I've got the next best thing: the guy who makes 'em! ''[a propeller emerges from the cage]'' I'm gonna run you out of business, Krabs. ''[the propeller spins and pilots SpongeBob into the Chum Bucket]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs! :'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob! ''[cries and then stops]'' Can I have my arms back? ''[Plankton walks over and throws the arms on Krabs' head.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': What is he doing? All these tears... and the showtunes? Why isn't he making the patties? Forget it. I'm going with plan B, I'll put his brain in the robot chef. :'''Karen''': You know that never works! The answer is obvious: to get to the SpongeBob, you must show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give you what you want. :'''Plankton''': Will you be quiet? I'm thinking! I've got it! To get to the SpongeBob, I'll show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give me what I want. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': I put the brain in the robot, you know. You shouldn't have been a spoiled brat. You see, I always get what I want. And I want you to make me a Krabby Patty! :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[turning on]'' Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... ''RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?'' :'''Plankton''': What? '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''GET WELDED.'' :'''Plankton''': ''WAIT!'' '''''I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.'' :''[Plankton yells loudest out of madness and decides to give up]'' ===''Frankendoodle'' [2.14b]=== :'''Artist''': ''[finds out the pencil slipped out of his hand and lands in the water]'' My pencil! :'''French Narrator''': The artist has learned the first lesson of the sea: Always bring a spare pencil. :'''Artist''': No! :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Three! <hr width=50%> :''[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil]'' :'''SpongeBob''': It's a jellyfish! :'''Patrick''': Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired. :'''SpongeBob''': Huh! Everybody's a critic. :'''Patrick''': ''[notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life]'' SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[oblivious]'' Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic! :'''Patrick''': ''[pointing to the jellyfish]'' No, I mean it's swimming away! :'''SpongeBob''': Do you know what this means, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Your art can never hang in a museum. <hr width=50%/> :''[SpongeBob and Patrick fell into a hole drawn by DoodleBob]'' :'''Patrick''': What just happened? :'''DoodleBob''': ''[speaking gibberish]'' Me, hoy minoy! Neyoyoyminoy, ladyonmamoy! :'''SpongeBob''': Come on, Patrick! Give me a boost up! :'''Patrick''': Can't we just stay down here where it's safe?.. :'''SpongeBob''': No way. I created this monster and I've got to stop him. :''[A wrench drawn by DoodleBob falls on Patrick's head, making him dizzy]'' :'''DoodleBob''': Neofineyin! :'''SpongeBob''': See what I mean, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': ''[dazed]'' Where's the leak, ma'am? :''[Both try to climb up the hole, but they watch DoodleBob as he draws a bowling ball from a rock. He rolls it at Patrick, whose head turns into a bowling pin in shock]'' YAAAAAH...! ''[the bowling ball hits Patrick, transforming him into several pins. A "strike" symbol appears. The ball later rolls into the hole, hitting Patrick again. Another "strike" symbol appears for a double]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You okay, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': ''[offscreen]'' '''''FINLAND!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': Hey, SpongeBob, what's with all the ruckus? :'''SpongeBob''': Take a look for yourself, Patrick. :''[Patrick sees the picture of DoodleBob on the wall and gasps]'' :'''Patrick''': It's the evil doodle! :'''SpongeBob''': No, no, not evil. He was just a two-dimensional creature lost in our three-dimensional aquatic world longing for a purpose. :'''Patrick''': So, he's a drawing? :'''SpongeBob''': Exactly! See how happy he is? :'''Patrick''': He still looks kind of creepy. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[on a diving board with the pencil]'' Oh, great Magic Pencil, your powers are too mighty for us ocean dwellers. So I will send you back to the magic kingdom from where you came. Are you ready, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Ready! :''[SpongeBob drops the pencil into Patrick's mouth. SpongeBob jumps from the diving board and onto Patrick's belly, launching the pencil out of his mouth and back up to the surface. In the real world, the artist from earlier is curled up in a fetal position]'' :'''French Narrator''': We rejoin the artist in a creative slump. :'''Artist''': ''[the pencil reaches the surface and lands on him]'' Huh, what's... what's this? ''[jumps up and holds his pencil in joy]'' My pencil! ''[tries to draw, but unfortunately, the pencil lead breaks]'' :'''French Narrator''': The second most important rule for the artist at sea: Always bring a pencil sharpener. :'''Artist''': ''[starts to cry]'' No! ==Episode 15== ===''The Secret Box'' [2.15a]=== SpongeBob: [as he runs to Patrick's rock] Patrick! Patrick! Oh, Patrick! Are you ready to go jellyfishing? [Patrick comes out of his rock with a box, doing an acrobatic trick] Patrick: Oh, boy, am I! SpongeBob: Here's your net. [Patrick glances at his box] Well, come on, Patrick! The jellyfish don't catch themselves. Patrick: First, I have to put away my secret box. SpongeBob: Secret box? You never told me about your... secret box! [tries to peek in the box, but Patrick pulls it away] Patrick: Hey, hands off, PeepingBob! This here is my secret box! Besides, if I showed you what was inside, it wouldn't be a secret anymore. Duh! [opens the box, laughs at it, and shuts it as SpongeBob tries to peek it] Oh, SpongeBob... if only you could see what's inside my secret box, it would change your life! [SpongeBob gets behind Patrick to see what's inside the box, but Patrick holds it to himself] SpongeBob: It's okay, Patrick, I know all about secrets. Patrick: You do? SpongeBob: I've got a gazillion secrets! Patrick: Like what? SpongeBob: Well, it's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets. Secretly. [Patrick drools as the top of his head has lightning bolts coming out of it, showing that he couldn't understand the whole sentence] SpongeBob: You wanna hear one of my secrets? Patrick: Do I? SpongeBob: Uhh... Let's see... [runs up to Patrick] Did you know that you're my best friend? [runs away] Patrick: No... way. Oh, let's hear another one! SpongeBob: Okay. Uhh... Secretly... I'm a little bit naïve. Patrick: Wow! I'll never look at you the same way again, SpongeBob. Gosh. [SpongeBob clears his throat and taps on Patrick's box] Tell me some more secrets! SpongeBob: Okay. I love my job at the Krusty Krab, I sleep with my shoes on, I like jelly on both sides of my toast, I've got an overdue library book, I think jellyfishing and bubble-blowing are the sea bee's knees... [transition to SpongeBob still telling secrets as Patrick lays his head on the box] ...I have a slight overbite. I've never been late for work, I've said the word "fancy" in conversation, I like to dance to loading zone announcements, I still don't have my driver's license. I'm a little bit on the short side. And I'm wearing three pairs of underwear, right now. [he shows his three pairs of underwear to Patrick] Patrick: Gasp. I never would have guessed. SpongeBob: Now will you show me what's inside your secret box? Patrick: No, SpongeBob! It's for me to know and for you to never find out. You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. [imagines a carton of milk spilling itself] SpongeBob: Oh, yeah?! Well, I got plenty of secret stuff, too! Uh... [close-up of SpongeBob's socks] I've got my secret socks on. [runs away and comes back with Gary's bowl] And my secret Gary's bowl! [runs away then comes back, pushing his television] My secret TV! [turns on the TV] And my secret TV channel. [the TV shows an off-air color bars screen] What do you think of that, Patrick? Patrick? Patrick: [giggles, then laughs loudly after a gander at the box and then stops to breathe. Then he looks again and laughs even harder and hysterically. Then he stops to breathe] Maybe if you saw what was inside, you'd know why it has to be secret. [shows the box to SpongeBob] Inside this very box is the most secret-y secret of all of secret-dom and I am its sole witness! It's a heavy burden, SpongeBob, but nobody must know the mystery of the box. [SpongeBob tries to peek inside the box, but Patrick slams it shut] Nobody! Not even... Squidward's house. [scene zooms out to show Squidward's Tiki Head home looking down at SpongeBob and Patrick, who notice this before it goes back to normal] It's a full-time job. I'm constantly on the alert. You never know when someone's gonna... [gasps when he finds out his box is gone. The scene cuts to a laughing SpongeBob running with Patrick's secret box, but then he bumps into Patrick's belly] SpongeBob, what do you think you're doing?! That's my secret box! Now, hand it over! SpongeBob: [struggles with Patrick on the box] But, Patrick, I must know the secret! Patrick: [struggles with SpongeBob on the box] For the last time, SpongeBob, no! SpongeBob: Come on, just a peek? Patrick: Never! [SpongeBob and Patrick strain as they fight over the box. Eventually, SpongeBob's arms pop off and he gasps] So, it's come to this. And to think that we joined the Best Friends Forever Club! [shows his finger with the ring on it and then the camera zooms in on the ring. He grabs one of SpongeBob's arms and points it at SpongeBob] Listen up, SpongeBob SecretStealerPants! [as he pokes SpongeBob's nose with his arm] If you ever come near my secret box again, we won't be friends anymore! SpongeBob: But... we're supposed to be... [his eyes get big and sad] friends forever. [flashback to SpongeBob and Patrick as babies in a crib laughing, then we see them as kids riding on a bike, then as they are now, riding a bike, then as older men in rocking chairs, then we see a shot of two gravestones with their names and we hear SpongeBob and Patrick still laughing, but they are buried. The flashback ends.] I feel so filthy! [starts to cry] I have soiled our friendship garden! I just couldn't help myself! [jumps on Patrick] I know it's your secret! I promise to respect that! Oh, please forgive me, Patrick! Please! Patrick: Well... I guess it's not all your fault. After all, this is a pretty great secret. I mean, how could you resist the greatest secret ever? [we see a close-up of Patrick's box] The most amazing... [as he sticks the box in SpongeBob's eyes, the eyes pop out of him and then back in] mysterious... powerful secret in all Bikini Bottom. [his eyes are glued to the box for a moment, and then goes back to him] SpongeBob: So, what do you say, buddy? Friends? Patrick: Friends. [they shake hands. Cuts to a night view of SpongeBob's house, then inside as SpongeBob talks] SpongeBob: What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish... [slides down in his bed] or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds. [sits up] Or maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps his victims' severed heads in a box! [hides himself in the blanket and shivers] Or even worse... Maybe it's an embarrassing snapshot of me from the Christmas party! [screams, then hurls himself towards the bedroom window] I'm gonna find out what's in that secret box! I'm not gonna rest till I do! [SpongeBob's face pops off and sticks onto his back] That's it! How do you look into a secret box? [jumps off the window] Secretly, of course; I'll just take the box while Patrick's sleeping, look inside, and before Patrick even has time to notice, I'll slide it back. [turns around to show only his nose, then turns back around] Patrick won't know, and I'll have my own little secret! Good idea, eh, Gary? [Gary narrows his eyes] Gary: Meeh-No. [cut to the outside] SpongeBob: Oh, what do you know? You're a snail! [SpongeBob sneaks over to Patrick's house, and stealthily presses his back against it. He puts on gloves, then slips a stocking over his head, momentarily changing it to a woman's leg, before changing back to normal. He slides upwards over the rock, splitting in two passing through the weather vane on top, then slip through the rock. He then lands and notices Patrick. He then screams gibberish, drools and SpongeBob hides behind the portrait of SpongeBob and Patrick. SpongeBob then peeks and then the wall starts to crack. Patrick mumbles, the wall breaks even more and then the nail falls off. He then grabs the nail with his foot and puts it back.] Patrick: [as the camera zooms in on the box] Seee... cret. SpongeBob: [thinking] I got to be more quiet. I don't want to wake Patrick up. [slides down the wall from the portrait and makes a loud noise upon touching the floor. Patrick stretches and then goes back to sleep. SpongeBob then lifts his leg and then Patrick makes another noise. He then tosses himself over on the bed. SpongeBob puts his leg down, which makes a loud booming noise] Patrick: Duh... who's there? [mumbles then goes back to sleep.] SpongeBob: [talking to his foot] Shhh! [steps on a potato chip and makes a broken glass sound] Patrick: Eh?! [gibberish] Who's that?! [Patrick is back asleep. SpongeBob sweeps his sweat drops off him and they land, causing a loud splash sound.] Mmm... water. [licks his mouth dry, then tosses himself on the bed. SpongeBob takes another step and makes an "Aooowga!" noise. He then steps again, making a loud machine gun noise. Steps again, making the sound of an elephant. He then stretches his leg near the side of the bed, which sounds like a speeding car, then takes the step, making the noise of a car crash. He then peeks above Patrick to see the box. He gets ready to reach for the box, but Patrick takes the box before SpongeBob could grab it. He then slides onto Patrick, grabbing the box] Good old secret box. Let's see what's inside. [opens SpongeBob's mouth and pulls out his tongue, then laughs and lets go of his tongue] Nighty-night, boxie. [puts SpongeBob on the side of the bed. SpongeBob gets off the bed and then trips on a shoestring, causing him to bounce around Patrick's house, making a lot of loud noises (like a horse whinnying, a cow mooing, a chicken clucking, and a seal barking) until his head hits the wall, causing the portrait to fall off the wall, hitting him in the head, breaking the portrait in half. The box then lands on SpongeBob's lap and makes a loud noise. The scene cuts back to Patrick, who, despite all the noise, continues to sleep.] SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick sure is a heavy sleeper. [Patrick wakes up] Patrick: Huh? Who said that?! Who's there?! SpongeBob: Uh... Patrick: It's the Clam Burglar! And he's stealing my secret box! [runs up to SpongeBob] Hand over the goods, Secret Box Bandit, and prepare for the most unpleasant pillow fight of your life! [readies his pillow like a shotgun, ready to attack him] SpongeBob: Wait, wait, wait, Patrick! Stop! [takes off his mask] It's me, SpongeBob! Patrick: [stares at him while clueless] Nice try, burglar, but SpongeBob's my best friend, and he'd never steal from me. SpongeBob: No, really, Patrick! Look! [Patrick gasps. SpongeBob presses a button on the ring] SpongeBob and Patrick BFF Ring: It's the Best Friends Forever, Best Friends Forever Ring! Patrick: Our friendship ring! It is you! [crying as he covers his face with his pillow] How could you do this?! SpongeBob: If it makes you feel any better, I haven't looked inside. [throws the pillow away and snatches the box out of SpongeBob's hands] Patrick: [with a tear coming out of his eye] That's it, SpongeBob! You have crossed the line. As of right now, this friendship is over! SpongeBob: [gasps and tears up himself] Really? Patrick: Nah, you can look inside it if you really want to. SpongeBob: Okay! Oh, this is one of the most exciting moments of my life! Well, here it goes! [he lifts the lid off the box] Huh? Patrick: Well, didn't I tell ya? [we see a string inside the box] Isn't it great? SpongeBob: It's just a string. Patrick: A secret string! SpongeBob: Boy, when you're right, you're right! That's some secret box you've got there! Yeah! Thanks for showing me that. [puts the lid back on the box] Well, good night, Patrick. See you tomorrow. Patrick: Good night, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob pops out of Patrick's house] SpongeBob: I should've known! It was just a piece of string all along! [laughs] Wait till I tell Gary! Patrick: [laughs menacingly] Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, opening the... [a secret compartment opens] ...secret compartment of my secret box... [takes out a photo] ...revealing one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at that Christmas Party! [laughing while cut to the Bikini Atoll] Merry Christmas, SpongeBob! [laughs again as the screen fades to black, ending the episode] ===''Band Geeks'' [2.15b]=== :''[The episode begins at Squidward's house. Music is heard, which turns out to be Squidward playing his clarinet, until the doorbell rings. The snail doctor is at the door with Incidental 26.]'' :'''Snail doctor''': Yeah, uh, we're with the pet hospital down the street, and I understand you have a dying animal on the premises. :''[Squidward slams the door shut. The phone rings, and Squidward picks up.]'' :'''Squidward''': Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the... ''[plays a note on his clarinet]'' :'''Squilliam Fancyson''': Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum? :'''Squidward''': ''[gasps]'' Squilliam Fancyson from band class?! Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now. Squidward: [stutters] Sometimes. Uh... How's the unibrow? Squilliam: [waves his unibrow] It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week. Squidward: The buh-buh-buh... The buh-buh-buh... The buh-buh-buh...?! Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us. Squidward: Oh, uh, [stutters] I, uhh... Squilliam: [scoffs] I knew it! You don't even have a band. Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now. Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy? Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of... ibuprofen. [Squilliam and Squidward hang up the phones.] Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum... [chuckles] band humor... [Bubble transition to Sandy. In the following lines, Sandy, Plankton, Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, and Larry are reading from a poster. Each are in different locations; from a pole, to a bakery window, to Larry's shower.] Sandy: "Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?" Plankton: "Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom..." Mrs. Puff: "...and be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know." Mr. Krabs: "Not to mention... free refreshments!" Larry: "Practice begins tonight, 8:30 sharp." [Transition to Squidward looking at his watch, which reads 8:35, while driving a shell cart. There are boxes of musical instruments, sheet music, and marching uniforms crammed in the back seat.] Squidward: Stupid music rental clerk made me late! That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Heh, elbow, heh... more band humor. [The scene cuts to inside the room, where everyone is there holding instruments and literally saying "blah, blah, blah" amongst themselves as Squidward enters. He walks to the front of the room.] All: Blah, blah, blah... Squidward: People, people, settle down! [The room quiets down.] Okay, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before? Plankton: [holding a triangle; raises hand] Do instruments of torture count? Squidward: No. Patrick: [holding a trombone; raises hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument? Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. [Patrick raises his hand again] Horseradish is not an instrument, either. [Patrick lowers his hand] That's fine, no one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you! [Squidward slaps his knee and laughs. Everyone stays silent.] Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food? Squidward: Okay, try to repeat after me. [plays a six-note scale on his clarinet] Brass section, go. [brass section repeats badly] Good! Now the wind. [wind section repeats badly] And the drums! [The drumers blow on their sticks, which shoot out of their mouths and pin Squidward to the wall.] Too bad that didn't kill me. [Bubble transition to later.] Squidward: Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now, I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five. SpongeBob: [raises hand] Is this the part where we start kicking? Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line. Patrick: Kicking? I wanna do some kicking! [kicks Sandy in the leg] Sandy: Why, you... Why, I oughta--! [Sandy jumps on Patrick and starts beating him up until they both roll outside. The doors slam shut.] [Outside, Patrick wails in agony. Everyone stares in silence, then Patrick sticks his head back in.] Patrick: Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. [Patrick walks in and it is revealed that Sandy has stuck his body into a trombone, with his head sticking out of the bell. As Patrick walks back to his seat, the trombone toots with each step. As he sits, he lets out a long note.] French Narrator: Day two. [The scene shows the band marching down a street while playing badly.] Squidward: Okay, that's perfect, everybody! Bubble Bowl, here we come! Flag twirlers, really spin those things! Okay, turn! Flag twirlers, let's go, I wanna see some spinning! Flag twirlers, let's move! Come on! Move! [The flag twirlers spin so hard that they take off into the sky and crash into a blimp, which causes an explosion. Incidental 41 plays Taps on his trumpet while everyone mourns, except Squidward, who lies down on the ground and curls into a fetal position.] French Narrator: Day three. Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton? Plankton: It's tremendous! You wanna see? [Plankton plays the harmonica by running to and from the individual holes. Soon runs out of breath; on his way to the last note, he pants as he trudges toward it. He blows an unsuccessful last raspberry into the harmonica and collapses.] French Narrator: Day four. Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show! And I know that you haven't improved since we began... [Patrick chews on a trumpet.] But, I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right? Plankton: [loudly] Correct! Squidward: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready? [The room grins as they raise their instruments.] And a-one, and a-two, and-a one, two, three, four! [The screen cuts to the outside of the music room as a blast of noise ensues, shattering the windows. Cut back inside, where Squidward's face is deformed beyond recognition and his shirt has been ripped. The top half of his baton snaps off.] Squidward: Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us. Harold: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws! Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk? Harold: [loudly] Big... meaty... claws! Mr. Krabs: [raising fists] Well, these claws ain't for just attractin' mates! Harold: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on! SpongeBob: [stands between them] No, people. Let's be smart and bring it "off". Suzy: Oh, so now the talking cheese is gonna preach to us? Squidward: Wait, wait! I know tensions are high... [Every band member gets into a brawl. Incidental 106 and Larry are yelling at each other, Incidental 13 breaks a drum over Incidental 106's body.] Squidward: There's a deposit on that equipment, people! [Every band member uses their instruments as weapons. Mr. Krabs and Harold charge at each other using their instruments as lances; Mrs. Puff slams them both with her cymbals.] Squidward: Settle down, please! [Sandy and Incidental 42 are fighting; Sandy breaks the bars off of Incidental 42's xylophone, who runs away. Patrick kicks Sandy again, who growls at him before producing a trumpet with an evil grin. Patrick runs away screaming as Sandy chases him. The scene cuts to the clock, which changes to 10 o'clock, and everyone immediately stops fighting.] Fred: Hey, class is over. All: [within the crowd, now friendly] Okay, yeah, see ya tomorrow... That was good... Say, what are you doing after...? [The band members walk to the door; Squidward slams it open and stands before them.] Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness... and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow... I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks! [cries] Thanks for nothing! [leaves] Patrick: You're welcome. SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him? Evelyn: A fireman. SpongeBob: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you? Larry: Some guy in an ambulance. SpongeBob: Right! So if we all could just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure we could all pull together and discover what it truly means... to be in a marching band. Harold: Yeah, for the fireman! [Everyone cheers.] SpongeBob: Now let's make Squidward proud. [raises baton] A-one, a-two, a skiddly-diddly-doo! [Bubble transition to the Bubble Bowl entrance.] Squidward: I knew this was going to happen. They're just gonna have to find another band to play. I just hope that... [zooms out to reveal Squilliam is there] ...Squilliam doesn't find out! Squilliam! [screams] What are you doing here?! Squilliam: [laughs] I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band? Squidward: Uh... they couldn't come. They... died. Squilliam: Then who's that? [points to SpongeBob and the rest of the band] Squidward: [screams; his eyes pop out] That would be my band! SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward! Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look. [Cut to SpongeBob dancing cheerfully.] Squidward: That's his... eager face. [Squilliam laughs as Squidward and his band move past him and enter the Bubble Bowl. Squilliam soon enters behind them.] Squidward: I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town... SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Squidward! [The camera cuts to an American football stadium.] Announcer: Okay, football fans, put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom Super Band! [The band rises out of the ground. A crowd of live-action people waving towels and cheering is shown.] Patrick: These are some ugly looking fish. SpongeBob: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps. Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick... Squidward: [nervously] Okay, everybody... [glances at Squilliam, who grins smugly] Let's get this over with. One, two, three... [flinches] four... [The band's horn section plays a perfectly clean fanfare. Squidward opens his eyes, shocked. Plankton plays the opening notes of "Sweet Victory" on a keyboard. The band separates to reveal SpongeBob as the lights dim.] [SpongeBob begins singing, with the voice of David Glen Eisley:] ♪ The winner takes all ♪ ♪ It's the thrill of one more kill ♪ ♪ The last one to fall ♪ ♪ Will never sacrifice their will ♪ [Patrick plays a drum fill as the rest of the band comes in, pyrotechnics and aerial lasers going off.] ♪ Don't ever look back on the world closing in ♪ ♪ Be on the attack with your wings on the wind ♪ ♪ Oh, the games will begin ♪ [The crowd is shown waving lighters with the music. Squilliam stares in shock as Squidward grins at him. He throws his baton behind him and points with both arms, no longer concerned with conducting.] ♪ And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah ♪ [Multiple band members are shown playing and singing along: Sandy on guitar, Mr. Krabs on keytar, and Plankton providing backup vocals. Squidward, meanwhile, gestures emotionally along with the music.] ♪ And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight ♪ [Squilliam clutches his chest and faints, his eyes rolling back. He is carried away on a stretcher; Squidward waves a smug goodbye to him and runs to the middle of the stage, raising his fists as pyrotechnics go off around him.] ♪ And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah ♪ [Mrs. Puff is shown playing guitar, gritting her teeth.] ♪ And the one who's last to fall ♪ [Patrick plays another drum fill as Squidward dances wildly.] ♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet victory... ♪ [Squidward jumps in the air in triumph, and the scene freezes. The screen fades to black, ending the episode.] ==Episode 16== ===''Graveyard Shift'' [2.16a]=== :''[The episode begins at night at the Krusty Krab. It's closing time.]'' :'''French Narrator''': Ah, the Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom's premiere daytime eatery. Where it will be closing time right about... :'''Squidward''': ''[switches the "Open" sign to "Closed"]'' Now! 8 o'clock! ''[takes off his Krusty Krab uniform hat]'' So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is ''[pulls out his clarinet]'' Clarinet. ''[Tom shows up at the door and knocks on it, causing Squidward to drop his clarinet]'' What? :'''Tom''': Are you open? :'''Squidward''': ''[points to the sign]'' Read the sign. :'''Tom''': ''[ignores him]'' I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries. :'''Squidward''': No, you won't. I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life! :'''Tom''': Well, fine, if you don't want my money! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Money?! ''[Mr. Krabs falls from the ceiling on top of Squidward]'' You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money? :'''Tom''': ''[pulls out cash; Incidental 49, Incidental 30, and Incidental 85 appear behind him]'' Sure. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Mr. Squidward, ''[tears up the "Closed" sign]'' welcome to the night shift. From now on, ''[he puts a spare Krusty Krab uniform hat on Squidward's head]'' the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours a day. :'''Squidward''': ''[gets up]'' What?! ''[crowd of fish barge in cheering and tramples Squidward]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Wow! Now we never have to stop working! :'''Squidward''': ''[gets up again]'' Mr. Krabs. :'''Mr. Krabs''': See ya in the mornin', boys! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. ''[leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Isn't this great Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working. It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and we'll be covered with ''grease!'' ''[jumps on cash register counter]'' Are you ready to rock, Squidward?! :'''Squidward''': No. :'''SpongeBob''': Good! 'Cause we've got customers! :'''Squidward''': ''[hands a customer a baseball bat]'' Here. Please hit me as hard as you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Psst, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen... ''[laughs]'' at night. :'''Squidward''': ''[takes hat off; leans head on counter]'' Don't hold back. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[cuts to SpongeBob in kitchen]'' Hey Squidward. Guess what, I'm chopping lettuce... at night. ''[cuts to SpongeBob in the bathroom wiping it clean with himself]'' Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night. ''[cuts to SpongeBob at the grill picking up spatula, misses the spatula and hits the grill]'' Ow! I burned my hand! At night. ''[cuts to SpongeBob walking on the counter]'' Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-night-na-night! '''''NIGHT!''''' :'''Squidward''': WILL YOU PLEASE?! ''[hands SpongeBob a bag of garbage]'' Here, give me a moment's peace and take out the trash. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Yes. The Hash-Slinging Slasher. But, most people just call him The Ha-- ''[breaks into scream]'' because that's all they have time to say before he... GETS THEM! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' Tell me the story! :'''Squidward''': Years ago at this very restaurant, the Hash-Slinging Slasher used to be a fry cook, just... like... you... only clumsier. And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties... it happened. :'''SpongeBob''': He forgot the secret sauce? :'''Squidward''': No. :'''SpongeBob''': He didn't wash his hands? :'''Squidward''': No. :'''SpongeBob''': Irregular portions? :'''Squidward''': No! He cut off his own hand by mistake! :'''SpongeBob''': You mean like this? ''[pulls one of his arms out of socket, another one grows back in its place, much to Squidward's shock]'' Or like this? ''[continues pulling out his arms]'' Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this, or this, or this. :'''Squidward''': ''[interrupts; annoyed]'' Except he wasn't a sponge! :'''SpongeBob''': So? :'''Squidward''': '''''SO IT DIDN'T GROW BACK!''''' :'''SpongeBob''': Oh no! ''[all extra arms lift their hands upwards and run away]'' :'''Squidward''': And he replaced his hand with a rusty spatula. And then, he got hit by a bus! And at his funeral, they ''fired him!'' So now, every... what day is it? :'''SpongeBob''': Tuesday. :'''Squidward''': ''Tuesday night,'' his ghost returns to The Krusty Krab to wreak ''his horrible vengeance...'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' But tonight's Tuesday night! :'''Squidward''': Then he'll be coming. :'''SpongeBob''': How will we know? :'''Squidward''': There are three signs that signal the approach of the Hash-Slinging Slasher. First, the lights will flicker on and off. Next... :'''Harold''': ''[interrupts]'' Dude, can I have some ketchup? :'''Squidward''': Oh, here you go. ''[hands him ketchup packet]'' Next, the phone will ring, and there will be nobody there. ''[shows SpongeBob eating his fingernails]'' And finally, the Hash-Slinging Slasher arrives in the ghost of the bus that ran him over! ''[shows SpongeBob eating his fingernails, starts eating his arms, the arms regrow and he eats those]'' Then he exits the bus and crosses the street without looking both ways... because he's already dead! ''[SpongeBob begins eating his hands like popcorn]'' Then he taps on the window with his grisly spatula hand... :'''SpongeBob''': No...! :'''Squidward''': He opens the door... ''[pushes his tentacle to SpongeBob's face, making it looking like he's a door that's being opened; while doing this he imitates the sound of a creaky door opening. leans towards SpongeBob's face, which sinks in]'' He slowly approaches the counter! ''["counter" echoes menacingly]'' And y'know what he does next? :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Squidward''': You really want to know? :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Squidward''': Are you sure you want to know? :'''SpongeBob''': What?! What?! What does he do?! :'''Squidward''': ''[sneaks up on SpongeBob, then taps him]'' He gets ya! :''[SpongeBob screams repeatedly for about 20 seconds while Squidward is laughing. Everyone stares at SpongeBob in confusion and concern. Squidward eventually stops laughing.]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob ''[SpongeBob continues screaming]'' :SpongeBob, I was- ''[SpongeBob continues screaming]'' I was j- ''[SpongeBob continues screaming]'' I was jus- ''[SpongeBob's pupils are now screaming, too, causing Squidward to lose his temper]'' SpongeBob, I was joking! :'''SpongeBob''': What? :'''Squidward''': It's not true. None of it's true. :'''SpongeBob''': It's not? :'''Squidward''': Of course not! Nobody has a spatula for a hand. It was all a joke. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh... ''[laughs repeatedly like he did with screaming, much to Squidward's annoyance.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Open 24 hours a day, what a stupid idea. Who wants a Krabby Patty at 3 in the morning? :''[Cuts to Patrick in bed; his alarm clock rings, and he wakes up]'' :'''Patrick''': Oh, boy! 3:00 AM! ''[eats a Krabby Patty]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you. And two: how can that be me when I'm standing right here? :''[The man taps on the door with his spatula. SpongeBob shrieks loudly in terror to the point where his eyelashes grow and start wiggling.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Richard''': Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. ''[holds up spatula]'' I called here earlier but I hung up 'cause I was nervous. :'''SpongeBob''': Do you have references? :'''Squidward''': When was you on the phone, and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights? :'''Squidward, SpongeBob, and Richard''': ''[they look at Nosferatu]'' Nosferatu! ''[Nosferatu smiles, and the lights go off while ending the episode]'' ===''Krusty Love'' [2.16b]=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, that's my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff! :'''Mr. Krabs''': '''''Mrs.''''' Puff? ''[disappointed]'' Aww, she's married... :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. She's single. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Then, what happened to ''Mr.'' Puff? :''[cut to a live-action shot of a pufferfish, being used as a lamp]'' :'''SpongeBob''': She doesn't like to talk about it. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob! I'm glad I caught ya. I want ya to buy Mrs. Puff-- :'''SpongeBob''': ''[holds up his arms]'' Wait! Don't tell me! You want me to ''run'' down to the store, and buy Mrs. Puff something ''she doesn't need!'' Then you want me to RUN back here, ''[flails his legs back and forth]'' so you can say, ''[pulls his eyes through the top of his head so they look like Krabs' eyes and mimics Krabs' voice]'' "Arrgh, SpongeBob, you're spending' all me money!" And then ''I'll say,'' "But Mr. Krabs! I'm only doing ''WHAT YOU'' '''''SAID!'''''" Then you'll say, "We're not talkin' about '''''this''''' ''[draws a triangle with dashed lines in the air with his finger]'', or '''''THIS''''' ''[draws a square with dashed lines]'', we're talkin' about '''''THIIIIIIIS!'''''" ''[draws a ton of directionless squiggly lines; pants]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': But, lad, this time's different! Mrs. Puff needs this! :'''Mrs. Puff''': ''[surrounded by all the nice gifts Krabs had SpongeBob buy her]'' Are we... going to the park soon? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Please, lad, I'm beggin' ya! I'm a lonely old crustacean who's found love! Don't let me lose her! ''[Starts to cry]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, don't. Don't cry, Mr. Krabs! Come on. Okay, I, I'm gonna get it, see? ''[Walks off-screen, and comes back with a washing machine]'' Cheer up, Mr. Krabs, Here's that washing machine you wanted. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Cheer up? How can I cheer up... <big><big>'''''when you're spendin' all me hard-earned cash?!'''''</big></big> :'''SpongeBob''': <big><big>See?! You just did it '''''AGAIN!'''''</big></big> :'''Mr. Krabs''': '''''Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money!''''' ''[SpongeBob gets a blank expression on his face]'' Do you think Mrs. Puff will need a dryer to go along with that? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stoically]'' Well, Mr. Krabs, do you wanna know what I think? ''[cut to Mrs. Puff]'' <big><big>'''''ARRGH...!! REGGA FLEBBA BREEKA BRECKA SMULLEN-ELLEN MR. KRABS!!! YEGGA HEGGA MERGIN WALLET!!! DIMMY MIDDY SPEND!!! RIVY FLIVY DIVA SHIVA MR. KRABS’ WALLET!!!!!'''''</big></big> :''[Mrs. Puff reads what he said in a dictionary; SpongeBob marches past her grumbling in anger as Mr. Krabs is left smack-jawed.]'' :'''Mrs. Puff''': I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary. Actually, there's something I'd like to say, too Mr. Krabs. ''[she kicks off her shoes]'' I'm afraid I just don't feel comfortable accepting all these gifts. ''[she removes her hat and coat]'' I'd rather go [[w:Going Dutch|Dutch]]...if you don't mind. ''[She pulls out her wallet and gives Mr. Krabs some money]'' :'''Krabs''': Uh, ok. :'''Mrs. Puff''': You're a very sweet man, Mr. Krabs. :''[She kisses his left eye and both eyes form the shape of a heart as the episode ends]''. ==Episode 17== ===''Procastination'' [2.17a]=== :''[SpongeBob's clock spins, breaks and comes to life]'' :'''Clock''': ''[ghostly voice]'' Time's up, SpongeBob... :''[SpongeBob gasps and shrieks as the flame of the candle comes to life. The fire wick walks up to the essay and picks it up]'' :'''Fire wick''': Only 799 words to go... ''[burns the paper and laughs sinisterly]'' :'''SpongeBob''': No! ''[the fire wick sets his house on fire. He screams]'' What have I done?! ''[runs around the house, yelling]'' Help! Help! My house is on fire! ''[continues running around his burning house until it comes to life]'' :'''SpongeBob's house''': SpongeBob, why?! Why did you set me on fire, SpongeBob?! Why don't you just write your essay?! ''[wailing]'' '''STOP WASTING TIME!!!''' :''[The scene suddenly changes back to SpongeBob's desk, revealing he fell asleep and had an episode-long nightmare before waking up with a start, pencil and paper stuck to his face.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Huh?! ''[gets his pencil off]'' Where's my essay? ''[sees it on his forehead]'' Oh, there you are. Hahaha...I must've dozed off! ===''I'm With Stupid'' [2.17b]=== [Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does, it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning frantically. He feather-dusts SpongeBob.] Patrick: Need... furniture! [makes a lamp post model out of the sand, then licks it to make it remain in shape; he then makes a sand drawer, television, stool, and a couch. The whole time he is still frantically mumbling.] SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? [Patrick barks like a dog and continues to clean.] SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Patrick: Ooh, sweep, sweep! [sweeps around the walls of his house and the air] SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode. Patrick: [stops cleaning and his face turns mad] You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. [imitates SpongeBob] "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do!" Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe! Or fabricate! SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. Patrick: [snaps out of being angry and starts crying] I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You gotta help me! SpongeBob: Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel! Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob! It's worse! SpongeBob: Darn, I like the funnel. Well, what is it, then? Patrick: Look! [takes out a rolled-up flashcard from his belly button] SpongeBob: Hey, a note! [shows a sixteenth note from the paper note] Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over, there's a letter! [The letter B is shown from the paper note.] SpongeBob: You're right! Patrick: And I got this message from my parents! [hands out a small message] SpongeBob: Your parents? [reads the message out loud] "Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy." Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers. SpongeBob: No, they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! [pushes Patrick's nipples and his eyes elongate] Nee! Patrick: [laughs] That always cheers me up. [his eyes go back to normal] But not today. SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is. Patrick: But don't they watch television? SpongeBob: That's what I'm saying, Pat. If your parents got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are. Patrick: But don't geniuses live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people. SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever. Patrick: Math is power! [Bubble transition to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror.] Patrick: A, B, C, D, E, F, G... [the doorbell rings] Oh! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...! Janet: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty? Patrick: W, X, Y, and Z! [Marty doesn't realize the door has been opened and knocks on Patrick's head] Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Marty: Son, you recognized us this time. Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents? Marty: You never were a bright one. [Patrick groans. Marty laughs.] Marty: Well, aren't you gonna show us inside? Janet: He probably forgot where it is. Patrick: Well, I know where it... Marty: Oh, let me lead the way so we don't get lost. [Patrick, Marty, and Janet hold hands] Huh? Hold hands now! [inside the house] Okay, we're almost there! Let go on three. One... two... three! [Marty and Janet let go of Patrick's hands on three] Janet: Good job! Marty and Janet: Pats for Patrick! [both laugh as Patrick looks annoyed] Patrick: I'll go get the beverages. [leaves, then comes back with a tray with three drinks on it] Marty: Wow, son. You put the drinks in something this time. Ah, son, you must've been working all night to put these together for us. Janet and Marty: We love you. [both kiss Patrick as he looks even more annoyed and groans] Patrick: [the doorbell rings] Hooray, the idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it. [Outside, SpongeBob is putting on his karate helmet.] SpongeBob: Protective helmet, check. Gary: Meow. SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary. Gary: Meow? [goes back to SpongeBob's house] SpongeBob: What could go wrong? [Patrick's rock opens.] Patrick: What a surprise. SpongeBob: Hi. Patrick: Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Hi. Marty: Hello there. Janet: How do you do? SpongeBob: Hi. [walks to Patrick's parents] Marty: Put 'er there. [SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand.] Doll: Mama! Mama! Patrick: He means "shake." [SpongeBob shakes his entire body] No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands. [SpongeBob shakes both his hands] No, SpongeBob. Grab my dad's hand. [puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand] Grab it with only one hand. [puts his left leg and hand down] Good boy! Now, move your arm up and down. [SpongeBob moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles] Janet: So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby? SpongeBob: Hi. Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show them your house. [SpongeBob pulls up his pants and reveals a blouse] No, not your blouse, your house. [SpongeBob screams and runs over to his house. He runs into the shell and gets stuck.] Janet: He lives in a fruit? Marty: That's unhealthy. [Patrick tries hard not to laugh but he sweats.] Patrick: [giggles] Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner? SpongeBob: [babbling like an idiot] [Later, Patrick, Marty, and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners.] Marty: Does he always do that after he eats? Patrick: Only on Wednesday. [Pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes a buzzer sound after that. Patrick giggles.] Marty: [starts giggling with Patrick] Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken. Patrick: Yeah. And it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy. [SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck siren sound. Makes other various sounds, including a cat yowl sound.] Marty: Whoa! Is he gonna be okay? [seal barks] Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. [dolphin chirps] You should see him in the morning prancing around yelling [monkey screeches] "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" [rooster crows] He drives all the neighbors crazy. [horn sounds, school bell rings, donkey brays] Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was- [SpongeBob jumps backwards over Patrick, Janet, and Marty, who all duck their heads in time, while making an elephant trumpet sound, then he crashes on something nearby.] Patrick: ...was really no help for him. [SpongeBob makes imprints of his front and back twice on the wall, as he makes funny horn sounds.] Patrick: I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff. And how about his shape? I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, [points at SpongeBob, then shows a closeup of his pants] but never box-chested! [Janet, Marty, and Patrick laugh, but SpongeBob frowns] Hey, SpongeBob, do you have any mascara I could borrow? [rolls his fingers over SpongeBob's eyebrows, twanging to sound like elastic rubber bands] Marty: [chuckles] The boy wears make-up? Janet: What a card! [everyone laughs, except SpongeBob, now very annoyed] SpongeBob: [confused] Hey, Patrick. Patrick! Patrick: Aw, [points at SpongeBob] he said my name. Marty: Wow, how'd you train him to do that? [Patrick, Janet, and Marty all laugh, while SpongeBob is mad. He bites Patrick's finger.] Patrick: Ow! He bit me! SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen. Patrick: Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. [Janet and Marty laugh] A dumb one! [they laugh again, as SpongeBob and Patrick enter the kitchen] So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! [laughs very hard] See, that's funny. 'Cause you're dumb! SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit? Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumb-ing them down a bit. SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb! [SpongeBob glances at Patrick's T-shirt, "I'M WITH THE DUMMY" with an arrow pointing towards SpongeBob.] Patrick: That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [drools] SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb. It was our plan, remember? Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now, [SpongeBob is shocked] with your talk of imaginary plans... Tell you what. You've caught me at a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go out there and act "smart" for everyone. SpongeBob: Okay, I will! [takes off his helmet and gives it to Patrick] Patrick: [puts on the helmet] And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya. SpongeBob: [in front of Janet and Marty, clears throat] I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk, and eat, and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So what do you say we start over and try again? [holds out his hand] Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants, and I am not a dummy. Marty: [laughs] Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. [puts his right thumb up] Oh, good work, son. Patrick: [puts his left thumb up] It wasn't easy, Dad. SpongeBob: [sputtering] But... but, but, but, but, but, but... Janet: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man! SpongeBob: Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See? Here's a picture of it. [he shows them a small picture of his brain] Patrick: That must be actual size. [all except SpongeBob laugh] SpongeBob: No! It's normal size and fully functional. Watch. [writes "2 + 2 = 4" on Patrick's chalkboard] Two plus two equals four! Marty: Oh, son, you taught him math, too. SpongeBob: No! Marty: And you taught him to sing. [SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering, then starts tensing up] Oh, now he's short-circuiting. You must have taught him a little too much. [SpongeBob imagines the three all laughing hard, because of SpongeBob's intelligence. Marty and Janet look at each other and laugh; then the three starfish all do the can-can. He imagines the three popping out of SpongeBob's pores. SpongeBob is inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye.] SpongeBob: Allleee! [starts to run towards the wall, crashing through the wall outside] Marty: You know, son, I've always known that when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But this guy. He's a wet match in a dark cave. He makes phone operators seem smart. [clears his throat] But more importantly, son, he's shown me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become. [hugs him] Ha! I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet? Janet: You bet, Marty. Patrick: [his eyes widen and is now in shock] Janet?! Marty?! Who are you people?! Janet: Marty, I'm scared! [The doorbell rings, then the rock opens up. Squidward (who's looking put out), Herb, and Margie are outside his rock. Squidward answers the door.] Squidward: Excuse me? Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day. It's driving me nuts! [Janet and Marty are standing outside.] Patrick: Mom! Dad! [hugs them] Herb Star: Wow, son. You actually recognized us this time. Margie Star: And you remembered to get dressed today. [Patrick, Herb, and Margie laugh] Marty: Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son. Janet: Oh, yeah. [Both Janet and Marty walk out of Patrick's house. Patrick and his parents keep on laughing as his rock closes over them, then the screen fades to black, ending the episode.] ==Episode 18== ===''Sailor Mouth'' [2.18a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''[speaks into microphone]'' Attention, customers, today's special is a ''[dolphin chirp]'' Krabby Patty served in a greasy ''[dolphin chirp]'' sauce and grilled to ''[dolphin chirp]'' perfection. ''[One customer drops his patty. Another is so shocked even the food he's chewing freezes midair. A mother octopus covers her laughing children's ears]'' And don't forget to ask us to ''[dolphin chirp]'' the ''[dolphin chirp]'' fries. It will be our ''[dolphin chirp]'' pleasure. ''[a giant human ear pops out of Squidward's head; he pushes it back in]'' Hi, Squidward, how the ''[dolphin chirp]'' are ya? :'''Patrick''': Nice ''[dolphin chirp]'' day we're having, isn't it, Squidward? <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Krabs''': Huh? The Krusty Krab, she's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone? :'''Squidward''': Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, what was it? What did he say? :'''Squidward''': Uh, he said, uh, well, he said... ''[whispers the word]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Huh? :'''Squidward''': ''[whispers the word again]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[gasps]'' SpongeBob and friend! Front and center! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language! :'''SpongeBob''': But, Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, it's fancy talk. :'''Mr. Krabs''': There ain't nothing fancy about that word! :'''SpongeBob''': You mean ''[dolphin chirp]''? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Yes, that one! Now quit saying that! It's a bad word! :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Bad word?! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Yes, siree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use. :'''Squidward''': Don't you mean there are only 7? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Not if you're a sailor. ''[laughs]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, 13. :'''Patrick''': That's a lot of ''[dolphin chirp]'' bad words. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Okay, boys, I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again. :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': We promise. ===''Artist Unknown'' [2.18b]=== :'''Squidward''': Now repeat after me. I have no talent. :'''SpongeBob''': I have no talent. :'''Squidward''': Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. :'''Squidward''': If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me. :'''SpongeBob''': If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art. :''[Pause]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Whatever. <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artist. I call this one: "Squidward en repose". :'''Monty''': I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection. :'''Squidward''': Why not? :'''Monty''': Because it's an art collection. ''[laughs]'' :'''Squidward''': How about this one? I call it "Bold and Brash". :'''Monty''': More like: "Belongs in the Trash". ''[Laughs]'' ==Episode 19== ===''Jellyfish Hunter'' [2.19a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': But sir, how many jellyfish do you need? :'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob, we have a whole ego system for the hungry paying customers. Oh no! Don't tell me. ''[gasping]'' '''YOU'VE STOPPED CARING FOR ME COSTUMER!''' :'''SpongeBob''': '''AAAH! NO, NEVER!''' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Then go out there, and get me some more jellies! :'''SpongeBob ''': Okay, Mr. Krabs. Just make sure the jellyfish are comfortable. They are O’so sensitive. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, I’ll keep them comfortable, alright, inside me wallet. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Krabs''': More, SpongeBob! What don't you understand about "More"!? ''[multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes]'' MORE! MORE! More! More! More. More! More! ''[grimaces and demands more]'' More, more, more, more, more! '''MORE!!''' :''[Cut to night. A sign reading "Jellyfish Fields: Population 0" is seen.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, there's no more! Now, ''that's'' jellyfishing! :[No Name follows SpongeBob.] :'''Mr. Krabs''': You'll never catch me! [He tries to pedal away as he laughs madly] What? [Looks down to see the exercycle is bolted to the floor.] Blasted exercise craze. ''[The jellyfish sting Mr. Krabs and he yells in pain. The jellyfish escape out the door, possibly back to Jellyfish Fields.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Goodbye, friends! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[walks out of the factory and is incredibly burned with black smoke and weakly voice]'' I'm taking jelly off the menu. ''[leaves]'' ===''The Fry Cook Games'' [2.19b]=== :'''Patrick''': D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! ''[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]'' Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the "Laying Under a Rock All Day" Games. :'''Patrick''': Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' You take that back! ''[a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[mocking]'' Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't even have fingernails! :'''Patrick''': I cannot believe what I am hearing! :'''SpongeBob''': How can you hear?! You don't have ears either! :'''Patrick''': Er...Holes, holes! :'''SpongeBob''': Conehead! :'''Patrick''': Yellow! :'''SpongeBob''': Pink! <hr width=50%> :''[The Deep fry pole vault.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Win this one for the Krusty Krab. :'''SpongeBob''': '''''FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB!!!''''' :''[flips over the poles and the deep fry and splats down on the circle drawn in the ground. The crowd gasps. SpongeBob forms a number one sign and the crowd cheers]'' :'''Plankton''': Win this one because I told you to. :'''Patrick''': '''''BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO!!!''''' ''[flips over the poles, but lands on the handle of the deep fryer, flinging it at the crowd and turning them into fish sticks. A vendor walks up and turns on a heat lamp]'' :'''Lou''': Fish sticks! Get yer fish sticks here! <hr width=50%> :''[Heavy metal music plays. The bell rings. SpongeBob tears off his blue robe, showing off his extremely large, muscular body. Patrick rips off his own green robe, underneath which he is wearing a business suit. He tears off the business suit, also revealing an extremely large, muscular body. The two dive at each other, screaming, until they collide. They wrestle and continue to wind up in twisted positions. They spin around and wind up wrestling with themselves. They realize this, and dive back at each other. Patrick sits on top of SpongeBob, holding his foot]'' :'''Patrick''': Forget the Chum Bucket! This is personal. ''[takes off SpongeBob's shoe and licks his foot slowly. SpongeBob screams in agony. The two wrestle again. SpongeBob sits on Patrick's chest and screams as he lifts up a pencil with the eraser side pointing toward Patrick; he slowly brings it down to his name tag and erases the "Pat" in "Patrick," leaving "Rick"]'' No! My name's not Rick! ''[tackles SpongeBob in a puff of smoke]'' :''[the two wrestle once more before they stop]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I don't like you! :'''Patrick''': I don't like you more! :'''SpongeBob''': I never liked you! :'''Patrick''': I 1,000 times never liked you! :'''SpongeBob''': Pink! :'''Patrick''': Yellow! :''[They struggle to push each other until both of their pants rip and fall down. Patrick's underwear is yellow. SpongeBob's underwear is pink]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Yellow. :'''Patrick''': Pink? :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': ''[their eyes start to water]'' You do care! ''[both start crying and hug each other]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Let's promise never to fight again, buddy. :'''Patrick''': Yeah, pal. Let's go home. :''[both walk away holding hands and whistling while the audience boos]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hey! Where ya going? :'''Plankton''': Get back here and kill each other! :'''Patrick''': You're my best friend ever. :'''SpongeBob''': You too, Patrick. :'''Patrick''': You know, these were white when I bought 'em. ==Episode 20== ===''Squid on Strike'' [2.20a]=== :'''Squidward''': Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification. ===''Sandy, SpongeBob and the Worm'' [2.20b]=== :'''Sandy''': SpongeBob, quit your worrying. I can take care of myself. After all, Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? ''[pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You are. :'''Sandy''': And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "K" in "karate"? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[body is shaped like a "U"] You'' did. :'''Sandy''': And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? :''[SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks" printed on it]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You do. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Fish #1, Fish #2, Scotsman, Fish #50, Squid Guard, Squid #2, Fish #71, Muscle Salesguy, Balloon Salesman, Old Fish, Singer #1, Larry, Dad, Woman, Waiter, Clock, Sailor, Fish 1, Big Guy, Vendor, Hook Fish, Fish 156, Teenager 1 *William 'Bill' Fagerbakke as Patrick, Fish #1, Man with Bag, Painter, Fish #6, Victim, Singer #2, Rex, Dr. Manowar, Pants, Fish 4, Tomato Fish *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Vender #2, Penny, TV Fish, Man, Singer #4, Fish 1, Salesman *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Doctor, Voice #3, Rick, Gerbil, Singer #3, Spotter #1, Doctor, Squid Drawing, Veterinarian, Restaurant Fish, Worm, Door Fish, Fish 4, Fish 38, Wheelbarrow Fish *Doug Lawrence as Fish #1, Fish #2, Deliever Fish, Customer #3, Larry, Delivery Man, Guy #4, Voice #4, Fish #1, Plankton, Pirate, Fish #1, Fish #40, Cop #1, Fish #2, Fish #2, Copy #1, Reporter, Security Guard, Fish #4, Spotter #2, Fish #4, Fish #5, Hot Dog Guy, P.A., Reporter, Artist, Mailman, Newsman, Student, Old Man Jenkins, Fish 1, Pants Fish, Fish 1, Chip *Lori A. as Lady, Pearl *Sirena Irwin as Eel, Loop, Crossing Guard, Band Member #1, Kernal, Wife Fish, Teen Fish, Teen, Customer #2, Fish #5, Fish #7, Larry's Girl, Snooty Woman, Spider, Girl #1, Girls #2, Girl #45, Squid #1, Squidette, Fish #4, #40, Woman Fish, Woman Fish, Mom, Teller, Honey, Mom, Girl Fish #1, Fish 2, Lady Fish, Mother, Auntie Fish, Old Lady Fish, Fish 65, Teenager 2 *Dee Bradley Baker as Fish #4, Fish #6, Ticket Fish, Band Member #2, Husband Fish, Customer #1, Lifeguard, Fish #3, Fish #8, Fish #7, Fish #9, Fish #10, Captain, Cutomer #1, Fish #1, Starving Fish, Tongue Fish, Fish #6, #104, #25, Fish #2, Man on TV, Spokesman, Squid #3, Fish #1, #3, #5, #23, #31, #41, Bad Crab, Guy, Cop #2, Fish #1, #3, #4, Singer #5, Mr. Krabs Solo, Fish #1, Cop #2, Kevin, Call, Queen Jellyfish, Joe, Fish #2, Policeman, Squilliam, Fighter Fish, Fish 1, Richard, Customer 40, Customer 6, Chair, Fire Imp, House, Pirate, Fish 2, Fish 5, Janitor, Monty P. Moneybags, Workout Fish, Robot, Little Fish, Guy with Torch, Thrower, Fish 2, Cop, Fun Fish *Carlos A as Fish #2, #3, #5, #7, Band Leader, Scooter, Angel, Fish #4, Vendor #1, Fish #1, Fish #1, Photographer, Surfer, Moat Fish *Carol L. as Sandy, Woman, Voice #2, Girl #2, Evelyn *Jillan Talley as Karen, Phyllis, Girl #27, Ladies *M.J. Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Mike Mulloy as Real Dad, Marty Dad ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 2)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 1ccu3qeoyhu97emgv7ko2c4vrf35mts 0 182036 3944187 3869318 2026-05-22T14:08:40Z ~2026-11963-87 3296540 /* Dialogue */ it was actually Poe who said that 3944187 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Star Wars The Force Awakens.jpg|thumb|The crazy thing is — ''it's true''. [[The Force]], the Jedi. [[All]] of it. It's all true. ~ [[w:Han Solo|Han Solo]] ]] '''''[[w: Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars: The Force Awakens]]''''' (also known as '''''Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens''''') is a 2015 American epic space opera film directed, co-produced, and co-written by [[J. J. Abrams]]. It is the first film in the [[w:Star Wars sequel trilogy|Star Wars sequel trilogy]], announced after The Walt Disney Company's acquisition of Lucasfilm in October 2012. [[Star Wars: The Force Awakens/Credits]] ==Opening crawl== * Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, the sinister [[w:First Order (Star Wars)|FIRST ORDER]] has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed. <br /> With the support of the REPUBLIC, General Leia Organa leads a brave RESISTANCE. She is desperate to find her brother Luke and gain his help in restoring peace and justice to the galaxy. <br /> Leia has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to Jakku, where an old ally has discovered a clue to Luke's whereabouts.... ==General Hux== * ''[Addressing an assembly of [[w:First Order (Star Wars)|First Order]] troops]'' Today is the end of the Republic! The end of a regime that acquiesces to disorder! At this very moment in a system far from here, the New Republic lies to the galaxy while secretly supporting the treachery of the loathsome Resistance. This fierce machine which you have built, upon which we stand, will bring an end to the Senate! To their cherished fleet! All remaining systems will bow to the First Order, and will remember this as the last day of the Republic! ==Dialogue== [[File:Cosmic Lightsaber in Orion.jpg|thumb|The [[Jedi]] were real? ~ [[w:Rey (Star Wars)|Rey]]]] :''[Lor San Tekka places a leather sack in Poe Dameron's hand]'' :'''Tekka''': This will begin to make things right. I've traveled too far and seen too much, to ignore the despair in the galaxy. Without the Jedi, there can be no balance in the Force :'''Poe''': Well, because of you, now we have a chance. The general has been after for this for a long time.'' :'''Tekka''': The General? To me she's royalty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The First Order troops have captured Lor San Tekka and bring him to Kylo Ren]'' :'''Kylo Ren''': Look how old you've become. :'''Tekka''': Something far worse has happened to you. :'''Ren''': You know what I've come for. :'''Tekka''': I know where you come from. Before you called yourself "Kylo Ren". :'''Ren''': The map to Skywalker. We know you've found it. And now you're going to give it to the First Order. :'''Tekka''': The First Order rose from the dark side. You did not. :'''Ren''': I'll show you the dark side. :'''Tekka''': You may try. But you cannot deny the truth that is your family. :'''Ren''': You're so right. ''[draws his lightsaber and kills Tekka]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rey and Finn, under fire from TIE fighters, run towards a Quadjumper to escape Jakku]'' :'''Finn''': What about that ship? ''[points in another direction]'' :'''Rey''': That one's garbage! ''[sees the Quadjumper destroyed by the TIEs; stunned]'' The garbage will do. ''[they run towards the "garbage" ship, which appears to be the ''[[w:Millennium Falcon|Millennium Falcon]]'']'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Having just ensnared the ''Millennium Falcon'' aboard their own ship, the ''Eravana'', Han Solo and Chewbacca board it with their weapons ready.]'' :'''Han Solo''': Chewie, we're home. ''[nods to Chewbacca to check out the ship, then lifts off the grating and is shocked to see Rey and Finn with their hands raised in surrender]'' Where are the others? Where's the pilot? :'''Rey''': I'm the pilot. :'''Han''': You?! ''[Chewie grunts in disbelief]'' :'''Rey''': No, it's true; we're the only ones on board. :'''Finn''': ''[regarding Chewbacca]'' You can understand that thing? :'''Han''': And that "thing" can understand you, too, so watch it! Come on outta there! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Supreme Leader Snoke''': The droid will soon be delivered to the Resistance, leading them to the last Jedi. If Skywalker returns, the new Jedi will rise. :'''General Hux''': Supreme Leader, I take full responsibility— :'''Snoke''': GENERAL! Our strategy must now change. :'''Hux''': The weapon... it is ready. I believe the time has come to use it. We shall destroy the government that supports the Resistance... the Republic. Without their friends to protect them, the Resistance will be vulnerable, and we will stop them before they reach Skywalker. :'''Snoke''': Go. Oversee preparations. :'''Hux''': Yes, Supreme Leader. :'''Snoke''': There has been an awakening. Have you felt it? :'''Ren''': Yes. :'''Snoke''': There's something more. The droid we seek is aboard the ''Millennium Falcon''... in the hands of your father, Han... Solo. :'''Ren''': He means nothing to me. :'''Snoke''': Even you, Master of the Knights of Ren, have never faced such a test. :'''Ren''': By the grace of your training, I will not be seduced. :'''Snoke''': We shall see. ''[as his hologram fades]'' We shall see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kylo Ren talking to Vader's helmet]'' :'''Kylo Ren''': Forgive me. I feel it again. The pull to the light. Supreme Leader senses it. Show me again. The power of the darkness, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Show me, Grandfather...and I will finish...what you started. <hr width="50%"/> :''[BB-8 shows Han, Finn, and Rey the map to Luke Skywalker]'' :'''Han''': This map's not complete. It's just a piece. Ever since Luke disappeared, people have been looking for him. :'''Rey''': Why did he leave? :'''Han''': He was training a new generation of Jedi. There was nobody else left to do it, so he took the burden on himself. Everything was going great, until... one boy, an apprentice, turned against him and destroyed it all. Luke felt responsible. He just... walked away from everything. :'''Finn''': Do you know what happened to him? :'''Han''': There were a lot of rumors. Stories. People who knew him best, think he went looking for the first [[w:Jedi|Jedi]] temple. :'''Rey''': ''[in awe]'' The Jedi were real? :'''Han''': I used to wonder about that myself. Thought it was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. A magical power holding together good and evil, the dark side and the light. Crazy thing is... it's true. The Force, the Jedi. All of it. It's all true. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having experienced a strange vision after touching the Skywalker lightsaber, Rey stumbles backwards out of the room. She sees Maz Kanata walk towards her]'' :'''Rey''': What was that? ''[pause]'' I shouldn't have gone in there. :'''Maz''': That lightsaber was Luke's, and his father's before him, and now, it calls to ''you''. :'''Rey''': I have to get back to Jakku. :'''Maz''': Han told me. ''[She removes her goggles and takes Rey's hand]'' Dear child, I see your eyes; you already know the truth. Whomever you're waiting for on Jakku, they're never coming back. ''[Rey sheds a tear]'' But there's someone who still could. :'''Rey''': Luke. :'''Maz''': The belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead. I am no Jedi, but I know the Force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes... feel it. The light... it's always been there, it will guide you. The saber, take it. :'''Rey''': I'm never touching that thing again. I don't want any part of this! ''[runs away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Maz takes out Luke's lightsaber for Han, Finn, and Chewbacca]:'' :'''Maz''': I kept it locked away. :'''Han''': Where'd you get that? :'''Maz''': Good question, for another time. Take it. Find your friend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rey''': Where am I? :'''Ren''': You're my guest. :'''Rey''': Where are the others? :'''Ren''': You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call ''friends''? You'll be relieved to hear I have no idea. ''[slight pause]'' You still want to kill me. :'''Rey''': That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask. :'''Ren''': ''[removes his mask, revealing his face. He moves forward, slams his mask down onto a table. He stands in front of Rey]'' Tell me about the droid. :'''Rey''': He's a BB-unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator— :'''Ren''': Carrying a section of the navigation chart. We have the rest, recovered from the archives of the Empire, but we need the last piece, and somehow you convinced the droid to show it to you. You... a scavenger. ''[slight pause]'' You know I can take whatever I want. ''[reaches his hand towards Rey's face. Rey looks away, struggling to keep Kylo Ren out of her head]'' You've been so lonely, so afraid to leave. At night, desperate to sleep, you imagine an ocean. I see it. I see the island. And Han Solo; you feel like he's like the father you never had. He would've disappointed you. :'''Rey''': Get out of my head! :'''Ren''': ''[moves back, keeping his hand close to Rey's face]'' I know you've seen the map. It's in there, and now, you'll give it to me. ''[continues to probe Rey's mind. Rey continues to resist]'' Don't be afraid; I feel it, too. :'''Rey''': I'm not giving you anything! :'''Ren''': We'll see. ''[struggles to read Rey's thoughts. After a few moments, he looks at Rey with disbelief]'' :'''Rey''': You... you're afraid... that you will never be as strong as Darth Vader! :''[Ren puts his hand down. Both he and Rey stare at each other, confused and afraid of what has happened]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Snoke''': The scavenger resisted you?! :'''Ren''': She is strong with the Force! Untrained, but stronger than she knows! :'''Snoke''': And the droid? :'''Hux''': Ren believed it was no longer valuable to us… that the girl was all we needed. As a result, the droid has most likely been returned to the hands of the enemy. They may have the map already. :'''Snoke''': Then the Resistance must be destroyed before they get to Skywalker. :'''Hux''': We have their location. We tracked their reconnaissance ship to the Ileenium system. :'''Snoke''': Good. Then we will crush them once and for all. Prepare the weapon. :'''Ren''': Supreme Leader, I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance. :'''Snoke''': If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Poe''': The scan data from Snap's reconnaissance flight confirms Finn's report. :'''Snap''': They've somehow created a hyper lightspeed weapon built within the planet itself. :'''Brance''': A laser cannon? :'''Snap''': We're not sure how to describe a weapon of this scale. :'''Major Ematt''': It's another Death Star. :'''Poe''': I wish that were the case, Major. ''[Poe controls a holographic display showing the Death Star.]'' This ''was'' the Death Star... ''[presses a button that scales the Death Star against a colossally large Starkiller Base]'' ... and this is Starkiller Base. :'''Han''': So it's big. :'''Admiral Ackbar''': How is it possible to power a weapon of that size? :'''Finn''': It uses the power of the sun. As the weapon is charged, the sun is drained until it disappears. <hr width="50%"/> :''[before Han takes Finn, Chewie, and the ''Falcon'' on the mission to Starkiller Base]'' :'''Leia''': You know, no matter how much we fought, I've always hated watching you leave. :'''Han''': That's why I did it. So you'd miss me. :'''Leia''': I did miss you. :'''Han''': It wasn't all bad, was it? Huh? Some of it was... good. :'''Leia''': Pretty good. :'''Han''': Some things never change. :'''Leia''': True. You still drive me crazy. ''[they embrace once more]'' If you see our son, bring him home. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rey encounters Finn, Han, and Chewie in Starkiller Base]'' :'''Rey''': Finn, what are you doing here? :'''Finn''': We came back for you. :'''Chewbacca''': ''[explanatory grunt]'' :'''Finn''': What did he say? :'''Rey''': That it was your idea. ''[hugs Finn]'' Thank you. :'''Finn''': How did you get away? :'''Rey''': I can't explain it, and you wouldn't believe it. :'''Han''': Escape now, hug later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Han sees Kylo Ren cross a walkway over Starkiller Base's reactor shaft. He hesitates at first, but decides to confront him]'' :'''Han''': BEN! :'''Ren''': Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time. :'''Han''': ''[slowly walking towards Ren]'' Take off that mask. You don't need it. :'''Ren''': What do you think you'll see if I do? :'''Han''': The face of my son. :'''Ren''': ''[removes his mask]'' Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him. :'''Han''': That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive. :'''Ren''': No. The Supreme Leader is wise. :'''Han''': Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true. :'''Ren''': It's too late. :'''Han''': No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you. :'''Ren''': ''[Gradually pained]'' I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me? :'''Han''': Yes. Anything. :''[Ren drops his mask, and offers his lightsaber to Han. As Han grabs it, the last rays of sunlight are absorbed into the Starkiller weapon, and Ren hesitates. After a brief moment, however, Ren ignites his saber through Han's chest, and Chewbacca roars in despair]'' :'''Rey''': NO! :'''Ren''': ''[To a distraught Han]'' Thank you. :''[Han lovingly touches his son's face, then succumbs to his wounds, his body tumbling off the walkway down the reactor shaft]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hux''': Supreme Leader! The fuel cells have ruptured! The collapse of the planet has begun! :'''Snoke''': Leave the base at once and come to me with Kylo Ren. It is time to complete his training. == Quotes about ''The Force Awakens'' == * I came on board and Disney had already decided they didn’t want to go that direction [with George Lucas's treatments], so the mandate was to start from scratch and tell a story that was the continuum… And Kathleen Kennedy brought on Larry Kasdan and Michael Arndt, and it was those people I began working with. * We didn’t write a treatment but there are countless times we came up with something and said “oh, this would be so great for Episode VIII!” or “That's what we could get to in IX!” It was just that kind of forward-moving story. But we knew this had to neither be a backwards moving nostalgic trip only nor a beginning of a movie without a satisfying conclusion, and that was part of the balancing act — embracing what we have inherited and using that where and whenever possible to tell a story that hasn’t been seen yet. ** J.J. Abrams [http://www.slashfilm.com/jj-abrams-interview-star-wars-the-force-awakens/] * It has been three decades since the events of the original trilogy. The dark and mysterious First Order has stepped into the power vacuum once held by the Empire. And the newly named Resistance fights in place of the Rebel Alliance, which has begun a tragic shift to the dark side. : Remember, the Dark Side was never explicitly tied to the Empire; the Force itself exists outside of mere temporal authority structures. :* [[Stephen Colbert]] [http://www.ew.com/article/2015/10/29/star-wars-stephen-colbert] * <!-- The wait is over. The movie event of the year is here. Star Wars: The Force Awakens, number seven in the series for those who wouldn't know a Jedi from a Jar Jar, emerges bloody with unrealistic expectations but gloriously unbowed. --> It's everything the kid in us goes to the movies for — marvelous adventure that leaves us surprised, scared and euphoric. … As any [[Star Wars]] fan knows, bloodlines are crucial to the plot. And there are times when everyone seems related to everyone else. (The [[George Lucas|Lucas]] template is drawn from sources as diverse as [[the Bible]], [[Shakespeare]], [[Sophocles#Oedipus_Rex|Oedipus Rex]] and [[w:Wile E. Coyote and The Road Runner|Road Runner cartoons]].) Bad things happen to those who issue spoilers about this franchise. But I will say this: The action, from lightsaber duels to X-wing dogfights with TIE Fighters, is explosive and buoyed by [[John Williams]]' exultant score. And the movie is also funny as hell. Abrams knows how to build a [[laugh]] and fill the emotional spaces between words. He's a fanboy who knows what fanboys want, but he also delivers the goods for the rest of us. Giving starring roles to a black man, a white woman and a Latino is the right idea that could have gone seriously wrong; instead, it's quietly history making. ** [[w:Peter Travers|Peter Travers]], in his [http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/star-wars-the-force-awakens-20151216 review in ''Rolling Stone'' (16 December 2015)] == Cast == * [[Harrison Ford]] - Han Solo * [[Mark Hamill]] - Luke Skywalker * [[Peter Mayhew]] - Chewbacca * [[Carrie Fisher]] - General Leia Organa * [[w:Adam Driver|Adam Driver]] - Kylo Ren * [[w:Daisy Ridley|Daisy Ridley]] - Rey * [[w:John Boyega|John Boyega]] - FN-2187 / Finn * [[w:Oscar Isaac|Oscar Isaac]] - Poe Dameron * [[w:Lupita Nyong'o|Lupita Nyong'o]] - Maz Kanata * [[w:Andy Serkis|Andy Serkis]] - Supreme Leader Snoke * [[w:Domhnall Gleeson|Domhnall Gleeson]] - General Hux * [[Anthony Daniels]] - C-3PO * [[w:Max von Sydow|Max von Sydow]] - Lor San Tekka ---- {{Star Wars}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{Official website|http://www.starwars.com/the-force-awakens}} * [http://www.starwars.com/films/star-wars-episode-vii-the-force-awakens ''Star Wars: The Force Awakens'' at Starwars.com] * {{IMDb title|2488496|Star Wars: The Force Awakens}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|star_wars_episode_vii|Star Wars: The Force Awakens}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:Star Wars films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Screenplays by J. J. Abrams]] [[Category:Screenplays by Lawrence Kasdan]] [[Category:Screenplays by Michael Arndt]] [[Category:Films directed by J.J. Abrams]] 8ts4zo65gjyfr7a8retuc7x8xls1i0p 14 184340 3944394 3235426 2026-05-23T07:17:46Z EarthDude 3228931 EarthDude moved page [[Category:Political parties of the United States]] to [[Category:Political parties in the United States]]: More grammatically accurate 3235426 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Political parties by country|United States]] [[Category:Politics of the United States]] 2uemp6q0pswodhgknbpzzo7n4ziqz8m 0 187887 3944366 3918967 2026-05-23T06:01:08Z ~2026-21334-34 3308640 /* Mr. Ray */ 3944366 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} [[File:Finding Dory.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Finding Dory|Finding Dory]]''''' is a 2016 [[United States|American]] 3D computer-animated comedy adventure film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. The film is a sequel to the 2003 film ''[[Finding Nemo]]''. [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], who directed the first film, returned as writer and director, alongside [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]] as the co-director, and [[w:Victoria Strouse|Victoria Strouse]] and ''Finding Nemo'' co-writer [[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] as writers. The film premiered at the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles on June 8, 2016, and was released in the United States on June 17, 2016. {{center|'''An unforgettable journey she probably won't remember.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == [[w:Dory (Finding Nemo)|Dory]] == * For a guy with three hearts, you're not very nice. * Just keep swimming! * ''[to a bunch of dead fish]'' Sorry, gotta blink. How do you hold your eyes open that long? * MY FAMILY!! I REMEMBER MY FAMILY! ''[swims really fast]'' They're out there somewhere! I have to find them! * ''[As a baby]'' Hi. I'm Dory. I suffer from short-term memory loss. * ''[sleeping]'' Don't cry, mommy. Don't cry... * I like sand. Sand is squishy. * What if I forget you? Would you ever forget me? * I-I suffer from short-term memory loss. * Somewhere out there is my family. Please, Marlin. I can't find them on my own. * [[Sigourney Weaver]] is going to help us! * ''[last line, about the drop off's view]'' Yep. Unforgettable. == Marlin == * ''[to Dory; frustrated with her short-term memory loss]'' You know what you can do, Dory? You can go wait over there. Go wait over there and forget. It's what you do best. * ''[to Crush]'' I'm gonna be totally sick! * Our friend got taken into whatever this place is. * Those are sea lions, they are natural predators. They could pounce at any moment. * She should just pick two and let's go. ''['''Nemo''': Dad.]'' What? I'm kidding. It's a reunion. * ''[to Dory]'' Ever since I met you, you showed me how to do stuff I never dreamed of doing. Crazy things. Outsmarting sharks, jumping jellyfish, and finding my son. You made all that happen. == Nemo == * Does this mean we have to say goodbye... to Dory? * ''[about Dory; deleted scene]'' Dad, Dory's sleep swimming. She's talking in her sleep. * I trust Becky. ''['''Marlin''': You trust Becky? Becky's eating a cup!]'' * The Jewel of Morro Bay, California. == Hank == * ''[introducing to Dory]'' Name's Hank. * That's a hard one, kid. * So, give me your tag! * And steer clear of people, will you? Especially kids! I don't want to be touched! * I just want to live in a glass box alone. That's all I want. * Hey, you. * No! Your memory isn't working! You can’t remember anything! It’s probably how you lost your family in the first place! == Bailey == * Holy Neptune, she's not alone! * Now I know you're talking about me. * This is amazing! * Still not clear... Still not clear... * It’s your destiny, Destiny. * ''[repeated line to Destiny]'' Wall. * My life's a rainbow! == Destiny == * Bailey, you've gotta use your echolocation! * Sorry. Not a great swimmer. Can't see very well. * ''[speaking whale]'' Thank you...! * You and I were friends! * We were pipe pals! * ''[trailer only]'' It was so much fun, because I'd tell you a story, and then you'd completely forget it, and then I'd get to tell it to you over and over again. * Your head is supposed to be big. You're a beluga. * ''[speaking whale]'' Hang on, Dory! * Don't bail on me, Bailey! == Mr. Ray == * Well, you made it! * And we'll stop right there. * I feel a migration song comin' on! ''[holds note for a long time]'' OH...! == Jenny == * OK, OK. We'll pretend to be the other kids now. Hi Dory! * You found us. Oh, honey, you found us and you know why you found us? Because you remembered. You remembered in your own, amazing Dory-way. == Charlie == * Ahoy there! Do you want to play Hide-and-Seek? * No, no. Not Daddy. I'm the nice fish who wants to be your friend, okay? == Others == * '''Sick Fish''': ''[repeated line]'' Me? Help you? AH-CHOO!! * '''[[w:Sigourney Weaver|Sigourney Weaver]]''': I'm Sigourney Weaver. Thank you for joining me. * '''Marine Life Institute Female Rescuer''': ''[repeated line]'' No respect for ocean life. == Dialogue == :''[first lines]'' :'''Baby Dory''': Hi, I'm Dory. I suffer from short-term memory loss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback of the [[Finding Nemo|first film]], when the boat moves away and Dory meets Marlin]'' :'''Marlin''': ''[first words of the first film]'' A white boat! They took my son! ''[Dory swims towards him]'' My son! Help me, please! :'''Dory''': ''[she and Marlin running towards each other]'' Look out! ''[they bump into each other; Marlin flies into a rock and lands on the ground]'' :'''Dory''': Oh, oh, sorry! Are you OK? There, there, it's all right. It'll be okay. :'''Marlin''': He's gone. No, he's gone. He's gone. No, no, they took him away! I have to find the boat! :'''Dory''': A boat? Hey, I've seen a boat! :'''Marlin''': You have? :'''Dory''': ''[132 minutes later]'' Uh-huh. This way! It went this way! Follow me! :'''Marlin''': Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! :'''Dory''': No problem. <hr width=50%> :''[Marlin is riding Crush in the East Australian Current.]'' :'''Marlin''': Totally sick! Totally sick! :'''Crush''': I know! Isn't it great? :'''Marlin''': No! I'm gonna be totally sick! <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': Dory, these crabs are locals! And I get the feeling they're shushing us for a reason. You might wake up something dangerous! :'''Dory''': Are you talking about like something with one big eye, tentacles and a snappy thing? :'''Marlin''': Well that's very specific, but something like that, yes. You just, in general, don't want to-- :''[Dory, Marlin, and Nemo see a giant squid behind them as the crabs hide.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nemo''': I trust Becky. :'''Marlin''': ''[flatly]'' You trust Becky. Becky's eating a cup! <hr width=50%> :'''Dory''': ''[to a bunch of dead fish]'' I'm sorry. I gotta blink. How do you hold your eyes open that long? <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': ''[to Nemo]'' Nemo, that doesn't even make any sense to do, but I'm not going anywhere until find it Dory. <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': Nemo, I think we should devise an alternate plan. One that involves staying in the water and someone sane. Because this bird, this bird... This ain't the bird! :'''Nemo''': That's fine, Dad, and in the meantime, Dory will just forget us. Like you said, it's what she does best. :'''Marlin''': [Sighs] Fine. ''[he looks at Becky]'' Uh, okay. Look her in the eye. Which eye? :'''Fluke''': Just pick one, mate. :'''Marlin''': Becky. ''[Becky shakes her head, She looks at Marlin with her Red Eyes]'' Ooh, ooo-roo, ooo-roo, Becky. ''[Becky Squawks, She flies and landed on Marlin on the Water]'' Okay. This is all great. <hr width=50%> :'''Bailey''': Still not clear. Still not clear... :'''Destiny''': You don't have to say when it's not time... :'''Bailey''': Not... :'''Destiny''': Just tell me when it ''is'' time! :'''Bailey''': Okay, here we go. And, ''wait''! :'''Destiny''': ''[flounders in the water]'' "Here we go, wait." Are you ''serious''? :'''Bailey''': Okay, on the count of 3... :'''Destiny''': Don't count. Just say, "Go." :'''Bailey''': ''[shouting]'' Go! Now, now! Do it! Do it! <hr width=50%> :'''Nemo''': Dad, does this mean we have to say goodbye to Dory? :'''Marlin''': Yes, Nemo. We do. :''[Dory humming]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': She should just pick two and let's go. :'''Nemo''': Dad. :'''Marlin''': What? I'm kidding. It's a reunion. :'''Dory''': Mom! Dad! Where are my parents? :'''Male Blue Tang #1''': Dory? Are you really Jenny and Charlie's girl? :'''Dory''': Yes, I am! That's me! Where are they? :'''Male Blue Tang #2''': Well, Dory... Well, right after you disappeared, they thought you... They thought you must've ended up here in quarantine. :'''Dory''': Uh-huh. :'''Hank''': Come on, come on, come on! :'''Male Blue Tang #2''': And so, they came here, to look for you. :'''Dory''': They're here! Where are they? :'''Female Blue Tang #1''': Dory, that was years ago. :'''Dory''': Huh? :'''Female Blue Tang #2''': They never came back. :'''Marlin''': Oh, no... :'''Female Blue Tang #2''': You see, Dory, when fish don't come back from quarantine, it means... they're not... :'''Dory''': What? :'''Marlin''': Dory... They're gone. :'''Dory''': ''[gasps]'' They're... dead? <hr width=50%> :'''Bailey''': Oooh! There's no way out. It's over! They're going to fish jail! Ooooh! Wait. Oooh, Oh, no. Oooh. Get back! Incoming! :''[The Marine Life Institute truck careens over the cliff with Hank, Dory, and the fish in it. Everything goes in slow motion as [[Louis Armstrong]]'s "What a Wonderful World" plays, as the fish fall out of the truck, and into the ocean. Fluke and Rudder are delighted.]'' :'''Fluke and Rudder''': Fish! ''[a large fish knocks them into the water]'' :'''Sigourney Weaver''': What lies before you represents the third and final of part of the Marine Life mission. Rescue, rehabilitation, and release. :'''Charlie''': Come to Papa! :''[Hank and Dory splash into the water, followed by the truck.]'' :'''[[w:Sigourney Weaver|Sigourney Weaver]]''': I'm Sigourney Weaver. Thank you for joining us. <hr width=50%> :'''Dory''': Hey, Marlin. :'''Marlin''': Oh, hey. Hello, Dory. :'''Dory''': You alright? You look worried. :'''Marlin''': No, no, no. I'm... I'm fine. It's... It's how I always look. :'''Dory''': What? :'''Marlin''': Well, I just... ''(chuckles)'' You did it. :'''Dory''': ''(gasps)'' :'''Jenny''': Yay! :'''Charlie''': You did it, kelpcake! :'''Jenny''': Yes! :'''Baby Dory''': ''(laughs)'' Did what? :'''Jenny''': Sweetie, you just followed the shells all the way back home! :'''Baby Dory''': Oh my gosh! I did? All by myself? :'''Jenny''': Yeah. :'''Charlie''': Do you know what this means, honey? :'''Jenny''': It means you can do whatever you put you mind to, Dory. :'''Baby Dory''': Really? Mommy, can I go play with them? :'''Charlie''': Absolutely! Go get 'em, kelpcake! :'''Baby Dory''': ''(laughs)'' :'''Dory''': Yeah. I did it. Hmm. :'''Marlin''': Hmm. It really is quite a view. :'''Dory''': Yep. Unforgettable. <hr width=50%> :''[post-credits; last lines; Fluke and Rudder are sleeping on the rock, Gerald peers up and down the water. He slowly lays his hand on the rock, and...]'' :'''Fluke and Rudder''': '''''OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!''''' ''[they go back to sleep]'' :'''Bloat''': Roll, roll. That's it, hurry. That's it. Just roll. :'''Peach''': Hey guys, wait up! I'm right behind ya! :'''Gill''': Come on, Peach! You can do it! Just a little farther, that's it! :'''Gurgle''': I am truly going to vomit! :'''Gill''': Alright, gang. Good work. :''[The Tank Gang cheers.]'' :'''Deb''': Oh, look Flo. We made it! :'''Gill''': We won't have anymore problems from here on out! :''[The Tank Gang cheers again, only to get scooped up by two Marine Life Institute rescuers.]'' :'''Marine Life Institute Female Rescuer''': ''[as she places The Tank Gang in the cooler]'' No respect for ocean life. :'''Bloat''': ''[last line of the film]'' Now what? == Taglines == * She just kept swimming... * Have you seen her? * An unforgettable journey she probably won't remember. == Cast == {{col-begin}} {{col-3}} * [[Ellen DeGeneres]] — [[w:thomas jefferson(Finding Nemo)|Dory]] ** Sloane Murray (young) *** Katherine Shepler (tween) * [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] — Marlin * [[w:Ed O'Neill|Ed O'Neill]] — Hank * [[w:Kaitlin Olson|Kaitlin Olson]] — Destiny * [[w:Hayden Rolence|Hayden Rolence]] — Nemo * [[w:Ty Burrell|Ty Burrell]] — Bailey * [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]] — Jenny * [[w:Eugene Levy|Eugene Levy]] — Charlie * [[Idris Elba]] — Fluke {{col-3}} * [[w:Dominic West|Dominic West]] — Rudder * [[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] — Mr. Ray * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Katie McKinnon]] — Inez * [[w:Bill Hader|Bill Hader]] — Stan * [[Sigourney Weaver|Sigourney Weaver — Herself]] * [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] — Passenger Carl * Torbin Xan Bullock — Gerald * [[w:Andy Clyde|Andy Clyde]] — Crush * Katherine Ringgold — Kathy * [[w:Gary Coleman|Gary Coleman]] — Squirt {{col-3}} * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Phil * [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]] — Sunfish "Charlie Back & Forth" * [[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Big Fish * [[Willem Dafoe]] — Gill * [[Brad Garrett]] — Bloat * [[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] — Peach * [[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] — Gurgle * [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] — Bubbles * [[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] — Deb * [[w:Jerome Ranft|Jerome Ranft]] — Jacques {{col-end}} == See also == * ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{IMDb title|2277860}} {{Finding Nemo}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Finding Nemo]] [[Category:2016 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Animated films set in California]] [[Category:Films directed by Andrew Stanton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Buddy films]] [[Category:Films about disability]] [[Category:Animated films about missing people]] [[Category:Pixar]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about mother–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Nonlinear narrative films]] 9zvkob47u18p98i99107l6vbqq9m1ho 3944367 3944366 2026-05-23T06:04:50Z ~2026-21334-34 3308640 /* Dialogue */ 3944367 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} [[File:Finding Dory.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Finding Dory|Finding Dory]]''''' is a 2016 [[United States|American]] 3D computer-animated comedy adventure film produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. The film is a sequel to the 2003 film ''[[Finding Nemo]]''. [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], who directed the first film, returned as writer and director, alongside [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]] as the co-director, and [[w:Victoria Strouse|Victoria Strouse]] and ''Finding Nemo'' co-writer [[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] as writers. The film premiered at the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles on June 8, 2016, and was released in the United States on June 17, 2016. {{center|'''An unforgettable journey she probably won't remember.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == [[w:Dory (Finding Nemo)|Dory]] == * For a guy with three hearts, you're not very nice. * Just keep swimming! * ''[to a bunch of dead fish]'' Sorry, gotta blink. How do you hold your eyes open that long? * MY FAMILY!! I REMEMBER MY FAMILY! ''[swims really fast]'' They're out there somewhere! I have to find them! * ''[As a baby]'' Hi. I'm Dory. I suffer from short-term memory loss. * ''[sleeping]'' Don't cry, mommy. Don't cry... * I like sand. Sand is squishy. * What if I forget you? Would you ever forget me? * I-I suffer from short-term memory loss. * Somewhere out there is my family. Please, Marlin. I can't find them on my own. * [[Sigourney Weaver]] is going to help us! * ''[last line, about the drop off's view]'' Yep. Unforgettable. == Marlin == * ''[to Dory; frustrated with her short-term memory loss]'' You know what you can do, Dory? You can go wait over there. Go wait over there and forget. It's what you do best. * ''[to Crush]'' I'm gonna be totally sick! * Our friend got taken into whatever this place is. * Those are sea lions, they are natural predators. They could pounce at any moment. * She should just pick two and let's go. ''['''Nemo''': Dad.]'' What? I'm kidding. It's a reunion. * ''[to Dory]'' Ever since I met you, you showed me how to do stuff I never dreamed of doing. Crazy things. Outsmarting sharks, jumping jellyfish, and finding my son. You made all that happen. == Nemo == * Does this mean we have to say goodbye... to Dory? * ''[about Dory; deleted scene]'' Dad, Dory's sleep swimming. She's talking in her sleep. * I trust Becky. ''['''Marlin''': You trust Becky? Becky's eating a cup!]'' * The Jewel of Morro Bay, California. == Hank == * ''[introducing to Dory]'' Name's Hank. * That's a hard one, kid. * So, give me your tag! * And steer clear of people, will you? Especially kids! I don't want to be touched! * I just want to live in a glass box alone. That's all I want. * Hey, you. * No! Your memory isn't working! You can’t remember anything! It’s probably how you lost your family in the first place! == Bailey == * Holy Neptune, she's not alone! * Now I know you're talking about me. * This is amazing! * Still not clear... Still not clear... * It’s your destiny, Destiny. * ''[repeated line to Destiny]'' Wall. * My life's a rainbow! == Destiny == * Bailey, you've gotta use your echolocation! * Sorry. Not a great swimmer. Can't see very well. * ''[speaking whale]'' Thank you...! * You and I were friends! * We were pipe pals! * ''[trailer only]'' It was so much fun, because I'd tell you a story, and then you'd completely forget it, and then I'd get to tell it to you over and over again. * Your head is supposed to be big. You're a beluga. * ''[speaking whale]'' Hang on, Dory! * Don't bail on me, Bailey! == Mr. Ray == * Well, you made it! * And we'll stop right there. * I feel a migration song comin' on! ''[holds note for a long time]'' OH...! == Jenny == * OK, OK. We'll pretend to be the other kids now. Hi Dory! * You found us. Oh, honey, you found us and you know why you found us? Because you remembered. You remembered in your own, amazing Dory-way. == Charlie == * Ahoy there! Do you want to play Hide-and-Seek? * No, no. Not Daddy. I'm the nice fish who wants to be your friend, okay? == Others == * '''Sick Fish''': ''[repeated line]'' Me? Help you? AH-CHOO!! * '''[[w:Sigourney Weaver|Sigourney Weaver]]''': I'm Sigourney Weaver. Thank you for joining me. * '''Marine Life Institute Female Rescuer''': ''[repeated line]'' No respect for ocean life. == Dialogue == :''[first lines]'' :'''Baby Dory''': Hi, I'm Dory. I suffer from short-term memory loss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback of the [[Finding Nemo|first film]], when the boat moves away and Dory meets Marlin]'' :'''Marlin''': ''[first words of the first film]'' A white boat! They took my son! ''[Dory swims towards him]'' My son! Help me, please! :'''Dory''': ''[she and Marlin running towards each other]'' Look out! ''[they bump into each other; Marlin flies into a rock and lands on the ground]'' :'''Dory''': Oh, oh, sorry! Are you OK? There, there, it's all right. It'll be okay. :'''Marlin''': He's gone. No, he's gone. He's gone. No, no, they took him away! I have to find the boat! :'''Dory''': A boat? Hey, I've seen a boat! :'''Marlin''': You have? :'''Dory''': ''[132 minutes later]'' Uh-huh. This way! It went this way! Follow me! :'''Marlin''': Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! :'''Dory''': No problem! <hr width=50%> :''[Marlin is riding Crush in the East Australian Current.]'' :'''Marlin''': Totally sick! Totally sick! :'''Crush''': I know! Isn't it great? :'''Marlin''': No! I'm gonna be totally sick! <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': Dory, these crabs are locals! And I get the feeling they're shushing us for a reason. You might wake up something dangerous! :'''Dory''': Are you talking about like something with one big eye, tentacles and a snappy thing? :'''Marlin''': Well that's very specific, but something like that, yes. You just, in general, don't want to-- :''[Dory, Marlin, and Nemo see a giant squid behind them as the crabs hide.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nemo''': I trust Becky. :'''Marlin''': ''[flatly]'' You trust Becky. Becky's eating a cup! <hr width=50%> :'''Dory''': ''[to a bunch of dead fish]'' I'm sorry. I gotta blink. How do you hold your eyes open that long? <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': ''[to Nemo]'' Nemo, that doesn't even make any sense to do, but I'm not going anywhere until find it Dory. <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': Nemo, I think we should devise an alternate plan. One that involves staying in the water and someone sane. Because this bird, this bird... This ain't the bird! :'''Nemo''': That's fine, Dad, and in the meantime, Dory will just forget us. Like you said, it's what she does best. :'''Marlin''': [Sighs] Fine. ''[he looks at Becky]'' Uh, okay. Look her in the eye. Which eye? :'''Fluke''': Just pick one, mate. :'''Marlin''': Becky. ''[Becky shakes her head, She looks at Marlin with her Red Eyes]'' Ooh, ooo-roo, ooo-roo, Becky. ''[Becky Squawks, She flies and landed on Marlin on the Water]'' Okay. This is all great. <hr width=50%> :'''Bailey''': Still not clear. Still not clear... :'''Destiny''': You don't have to say when it's not time... :'''Bailey''': Not... :'''Destiny''': Just tell me when it is time! :'''Bailey''': Okay, here we go. And, wait! :'''Destiny''': ''[flounders in the water]'' "Here we go, wait." Are you ''serious''? :'''Bailey''': Okay, on the count of 3... :'''Destiny''': Don't count. Just say, "Go." :'''Bailey''': ''[shouting]'' Go! Now, now! Do it! Do it! <hr width=50%> :'''Nemo''': Dad, does this mean we have to say goodbye to Dory? :'''Marlin''': Yes, Nemo. We do. :''[Dory humming]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Marlin''': She should just pick two and let's go. :'''Nemo''': Dad. :'''Marlin''': What? I'm kidding. It's a reunion. :'''Dory''': Mom! Dad! Where are my parents? :'''Male Blue Tang #1''': Dory? Are you really Jenny and Charlie's girl? :'''Dory''': Yes, I am! That's me! Where are they? :'''Male Blue Tang #2''': Well, Dory... Well, right after you disappeared, they thought you... They thought you must've ended up here in quarantine. :'''Dory''': Uh-huh. :'''Hank''': Come on, come on, come on! :'''Male Blue Tang #2''': And so, they came here, to look for you. :'''Dory''': They're here! Where are they? :'''Female Blue Tang #1''': Dory, that was years ago. :'''Dory''': Huh? :'''Female Blue Tang #2''': They never came back. :'''Marlin''': Oh, no... :'''Female Blue Tang #2''': You see, Dory, when fish don't come back from quarantine, it means... they're not... :'''Dory''': What? :'''Marlin''': Dory... They're gone. :'''Dory''': ''[gasps]'' They're... dead? <hr width=50%> :'''Bailey''': Oooh! There's no way out. It's over! They're going to fish jail! Ooooh! Wait. Oooh, Oh, no. Oooh. Get back! Incoming! :''[The Marine Life Institute truck careens over the cliff with Hank, Dory, and the fish in it. Everything goes in slow motion as [[Louis Armstrong]]'s "What a Wonderful World" plays, as the fish fall out of the truck, and into the ocean. Fluke and Rudder are delighted.]'' :'''Fluke and Rudder''': Fish! ''[a large fish knocks them into the water]'' :'''Sigourney Weaver''': What lies before you represents the third and final of part of the Marine Life mission. Rescue, rehabilitation, and release. :'''Charlie''': Come to Papa! :''[Hank and Dory splash into the water, followed by the truck.]'' :'''[[w:Sigourney Weaver|Sigourney Weaver]]''': I'm Sigourney Weaver. Thank you for joining us. <hr width=50%> :'''Dory''': Hey, Marlin. :'''Marlin''': Oh, hey. Hello, Dory. :'''Dory''': You alright? You look worried. :'''Marlin''': No, no, no. I'm... I'm fine. It's... It's how I always look. :'''Dory''': What? :'''Marlin''': Well, I just... ''(chuckles)'' You did it. :'''Dory''': ''(gasps)'' :'''Jenny''': Yay! :'''Charlie''': You did it, kelpcake! :'''Jenny''': Yes! :'''Baby Dory''': ''(laughs)'' Did what? :'''Jenny''': Sweetie, you just followed the shells all the way back home! :'''Baby Dory''': Oh my gosh! I did? All by myself? :'''Jenny''': Yeah. :'''Charlie''': Do you know what this means, honey? :'''Jenny''': It means you can do whatever you put you mind to, Dory. :'''Baby Dory''': Really? Mommy, can I go play with them? :'''Charlie''': Absolutely! Go get 'em, kelpcake! :'''Baby Dory''': ''(laughs)'' :'''Dory''': Yeah. I did it. Hmm. :'''Marlin''': Hmm. It really is quite a view. :'''Dory''': Yep. Unforgettable. <hr width=50%> :''[post-credits; last lines; Fluke and Rudder are sleeping on the rock, Gerald peers up and down the water. He slowly lays his hand on the rock, and...]'' :'''Fluke and Rudder''': '''''OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!''''' ''[they go back to sleep]'' :'''Bloat''': Roll, roll. That's it, hurry. That's it. Just roll. :'''Peach''': Hey guys, wait up! I'm right behind ya! :'''Gill''': Come on, Peach! You can do it! Just a little farther, that's it! :'''Gurgle''': I am truly going to vomit! :'''Gill''': Alright, gang. Good work. :''[The Tank Gang cheers.]'' :'''Deb''': Oh, look Flo. We made it! :'''Gill''': We won't have anymore problems from here on out! :''[The Tank Gang cheers again, only to get scooped up by two Marine Life Institute rescuers.]'' :'''Marine Life Institute Female Rescuer''': ''[as she places The Tank Gang in the cooler]'' No respect for ocean life. :'''Bloat''': ''[last line of the film]'' Now what? == Taglines == * She just kept swimming... * Have you seen her? * An unforgettable journey she probably won't remember. == Cast == {{col-begin}} {{col-3}} * [[Ellen DeGeneres]] — [[w:thomas jefferson(Finding Nemo)|Dory]] ** Sloane Murray (young) *** Katherine Shepler (tween) * [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] — Marlin * [[w:Ed O'Neill|Ed O'Neill]] — Hank * [[w:Kaitlin Olson|Kaitlin Olson]] — Destiny * [[w:Hayden Rolence|Hayden Rolence]] — Nemo * [[w:Ty Burrell|Ty Burrell]] — Bailey * [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]] — Jenny * [[w:Eugene Levy|Eugene Levy]] — Charlie * [[Idris Elba]] — Fluke {{col-3}} * [[w:Dominic West|Dominic West]] — Rudder * [[w:Bob Peterson (filmmaker)|Bob Peterson]] — Mr. Ray * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Katie McKinnon]] — Inez * [[w:Bill Hader|Bill Hader]] — Stan * [[Sigourney Weaver|Sigourney Weaver — Herself]] * [[w:Alexander Gould|Alexander Gould]] — Passenger Carl * Torbin Xan Bullock — Gerald * [[w:Andy Clyde|Andy Clyde]] — Crush * Katherine Ringgold — Kathy * [[w:Gary Coleman|Gary Coleman]] — Squirt {{col-3}} * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] — Phil * [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]] — Sunfish "Charlie Back & Forth" * [[w:Eric Bana|Eric Bana]] - Big Fish * [[Willem Dafoe]] — Gill * [[Brad Garrett]] — Bloat * [[w:Allison Janney|Allison Janney]] — Peach * [[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] — Gurgle * [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] — Bubbles * [[w:Vicki Lewis|Vicki Lewis]] — Deb * [[w:Jerome Ranft|Jerome Ranft]] — Jacques {{col-end}} == See also == * ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{IMDb title|2277860}} {{Finding Nemo}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Finding Nemo]] [[Category:2016 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Animated films set in California]] [[Category:Films directed by Andrew Stanton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Andrew Stanton]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Buddy films]] [[Category:Films about disability]] [[Category:Animated films about missing people]] [[Category:Pixar]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about mother–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Nonlinear narrative films]] 4b63ag7gxo13y0ye6fmnzkjgqwxh38y 0 189883 3944436 3928881 2026-05-23T11:36:13Z GrimRob 1187925 /* ARC Troopers [3.02] */ 3944436 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]''. ===''Clone Cadets'' [3.01]=== :Brothers in arms are brothers for life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Comlink''': This is command. You must break through the enemy lines and take the tower. :'''Echo''': The comlink just released orders that... :'''Cutup''': We all heard the orders, Echo! :'''Echo''': Stop calling me that. :'''Droidbait''': Stop repeating every order! :'''Hevy''': Less yapping, more blasting! Let's smoke these chrome domes and move on to the citadel! :'''Echo''': CT-782, you're breaking formation! :'''Hevy''': Just follow my lead, will ya? (As Hevy blasts three more droids) :'''Droidbait''': He's clearing a path, I'm moving. (Droidbait runs toward the next barricade and is suddenly pushed to the floor by Fives, which saves him from getting shot) :'''Droidbait''': Thanks, CT-27-5555, that was close. :'''Fives''': It's Fives. The name is Fives! (Cutup and Echo join Fives and Droidbait) :'''Cutup''': Yeah, five pieces, if you don't keep your head down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lama Su''': I understand your concerns, Master Jedi. Ever since the unfortunate death of Jango Fett, we had to stretch his DNA to produce more clones. :'''Shaak Ti''': A Jedi does not feel concern, Lama Su. However, I have noticed that this unit of clones have been... :'''Lama Su''': Deficient? My only thought is for you search the galaxy and find a suitable doner for your future clones. :'''Shaak Ti''': And what of the clones produced so far? :'''Lama Su''': As you know, there is not one way to make a clone. Sometimes our efforts are... less than successful. :'''Shaak Ti''': Are you suggesting we just cast off the Domino Squad? They're living beings, not objects. :'''Lama Su''': You Jedi show too much compassion. Nevertheless, as General in charge of training, the decision on what to do with them would be yours, Master Jedi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bric''': Gentlemen, who wants to be an ARC Trooper? :'''Cadets''': I do, sir! :'''Bric''': You have to pass your final test first. I want you to meet Commander Colt of the Rancor battalion. :'''Colt''': I want you troopers to remember, we're shoulder to shoulder on those frontlines-- brothers! And sometimes we make quarrel, but no matter what, we are united. Rule 1: We fight together. <hr width="50%"/> (ARC troopers alongside Bric and El-Les watch Bravo unit finish their final test, really fast) :'''Colt''': I'm impressed, you trained them well. Who's next? :'''El-Les''': The Domino squad. :'''Colt''': And how are they? (Bric just laughs, and as El-Les turns to him, he shakes his head) :'''Hevy''': We can do this, guys. :'''Echo''': All we have to do is follow orders. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bric''': I told you this was gonna happen. We've wasted enough time on those losers. :'''El-Les''': Their failure is our failure. I've made a request to General Shaak Ti that the Domino Squad be allowed to repeat the final test. :'''Bric''': Why do you care about them? :'''El-Les''': Why don't you? :'''Bric''': I care about getting paid! :'''El-Les''': It's a shame the bounty hunter in you sees this only as a job. :'''Bric''': More like an impossible task. (As they both walk past 99, he begins to listen to their conversation) :'''El-Les''': These cadets will be the finest troopers we've trained. I have faith in them. :'''Bric''': Faith? (laughs) You can't be serious, El-Les. :'''El-Les''': We should treat them as a special challenge, Bric. :'''Bric''': We should treat them as failures. Besides, I've already requested that they be moved to cleanup and maintenance. That's all they're going to be good for. :'''El-Les''': Then I guess the general has a decision to make. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Echo''': General, may we have a word? :'''Shaak Ti''': You are here to discuss your squad, aren't you? :'''Fives''': How did you...? :'''Echo''': Uh, Jedi, mate. :'''Shaak Ti''': One doesn't need to be a Jedi to feel stress on your minds. :'''Echo''': We would like to request for a transfer to another squad. :'''Fives''': Bravo Squad... perhaps. :'''Shaak Ti''': I am a Jedi, where the individual and the group are one and the same, much like you clones. :'''Echo''': Which is why Fives and I are looking out for each other. :'''Shaak Ti''': As individuals, but not as a group. You are where you need to be. Solve your problems as a whole, not as individuals. I have decided to allow you and the rest of your squad to take the test again tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cutup''': You wanted to see me, sir? :'''Bric''': Near as I can tell, you're the reason your squad's a failure. :'''Cutup''': Well, I'll take that as a compliment. :'''Bric''': It's all a big joke to you, right? Like those little nicknames you and your clone brothers give each other. :'''Cutup''': I could think one for you right now, sir. :'''Bric''': Oh! Funny. But I think it's all just a cover. You hate me, don't you? :'''Cutup''': Oh, no. No, no, no, how could I hate you for doing your job? You're just pushing me, sir. :'''Bric''': No, this is me pushing you. (starts literally pushing him) Come on, Clone. Hit me! Hit me, you joker! You can't take anything seriously, can you!? You're a real (punches Cutup in the stomach) cutup, aren't you?! Come on! :'''Cutup''': Thank you, sir. :'''Bric''': For WHAT?! :'''Cutup''': For my name, Cutup. (laughs) I like the sound of it. :'''Bric''': Out of my sight, cadet. One way or another, you'll be out of this army! Count on it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''99''': Hevy, you going somewhere? :'''Hevy''': Get out of here. :'''99''': You're going AWOL, aren't you? :'''Hevy''': Just go back to sleep, 99. This doesn't concern you. :'''99''': But you can't do this to your squad. :'''Hevy''': My squad? We're nothing but a bad batch, failures, like you. :'''99''': Yeah, but how can I be a failure when I never even got my chance? It's a chance you're throwing away. You're always trying to be the anchor, Hevy, you know, do it on your own. Well, maybe you should embrace the fact that you have a team. See, I never had that. But you need them, and they need you. Why carry such a heavy burden on your own when you have your brothers at your side, Hevy? :'''Hevy''': Hevy? Would... Stop calling me that! We're just numbers, 99. Just numbers. :'''99''': Not to me. To me, you've always had a name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Echo''': Orders came in clear, mates. :'''Cutup''': Nothing to repeat, Echo? :'''Echo''': Not today. :'''Hevy''': How's that shoulder treating you? :'''Droidbait''': I'll live. :'''Fives''': We all know what we have to do. (Right after the elevator gets them into the training room, the Domino Squad form up and starts going towards the first barricade while taking out droids. Then they hide behind the barricade) :'''Hevy''': That's it, boys. Stay together! :'''Cutup''': Fives, on your left! (Cutup points to a super battle droid about to attack Fives, but Fives takes it out before it can do anything) :'''Fives''': Thanks, Cutup! :'''Cutup''': No problem, brother. (Shaak Ti alongside with El-Les and Bric watches them from the balcony) :'''El-les''': They seem to be working together. :'''Bric''': Still early, a lot can change. (Hevy gives a hand signal and all of them begin to advance further and hide behind another barricade) :'''Droidbait''': Keep it up! We're doing great! :'''Cutup''': We might actually pass. :'''Hevy''': Not so fast. Still got the Citadel! (The Domino Squad advance further and hide at the bottom of the Citadel :'''Fives''': Alright, grab the ascension cables. Let's scale this thing! :'''Droidbait''': Wait a tick. Where are the cables? :'''Hevy''': They're not on our belts! :'''Echo''': Just when things seemed easy. :'''Fives''': Well, we can't scale the face without them! We'll fail the test if we can't finish! (on balcony) :'''El-Les''': What's going on? Where are their ascension cables? :'''Bric''': Must have gotten lost. (El-les grabs Bric's shoulder) :'''El-Les''': What did you do? (Bric quickly throws away El-Les's arm) :'''Bric''': I thought you had faith they'd be the best, right? Well, the best pass, no matter what. :'''El-Les''': General, you have to stop this. This is unfair to the cadets. :'''Shaak Ti''': Adversity in war is a constant, El-Les. :'''El-Les''': But Bric has cheated! :'''Shaak Ti''': The enemy won't play fair either. (at the training battle field) :'''Echo''': So this is it. :'''Hevy''': Not exactly. Those guns up there, We can use them as a step to the next level. Form a chain, and use each other to scale this face! :'''Cutup''': Use the guns? Are you crazy?! :'''Hevy''': Trust me, I know weapons! :'''Droidbait''': I'm going to draw their fire. You guys blast them! (Droidbait steps a bit further from the wall of the Citadel. Meanwhile, the other ones blast them and then start climbing) :'''Bric''': Well, I'll be, uh... Creative little clones, aren't they? :'''El-Les''': No unit has shown such ingenuity. (Hevy climbs up and finally grabs the red flag which turns green and Fives, Echo and Cutup joins him) :'''Hevy''': Whoo-hoo! :'''Echo''': We did it! :'''Fives''': I knew we could do it, boys! :'''Cutup''': We made it! (on the balcony) :'''Shaak Ti''': Bric, your actions have brought out the best in these cadets. Looks like they were well trained. Perhaps the finest soldiers I have ever seen. :'''Bric''': Well... maybe you were right, El-Les. <hr width="50%"/> :'''El-Les''': Congratulations. You've gratuated. At ease. :'''Cutup''': Next stop: ARC Trooper! :'''Fives''': Yeah, how about we face some combat first? (Hevy goes to 99) :'''Hevy''': You were right, you know, about everything. :'''99''': I heard you were quite the leader out there. :'''Hevy''': No leaders. We are a team. All of us, 99. :'''99''': The army's lucky to have a clone like you, Hevy. :'''Hevy''': Not as lucky as I am to have a brother like you. :'''99''': Well, this is goodbye, I guess. Hevy ships out, and 99 stays here. :'''Hevy''': Ah, we'll see each other again. I mean, how else am I supposed to get this back from you? (gives his own graduational medal to 99) You deserve it. You're one of us. ===''ARC Troopers'' [3.02]=== :Fighting a war tests a soldier's skills, defending his home tests a soldier's heart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Echo''': Ah, look around Fives, it feels like yesterday we were here. Heading to target practice. Remember that? :'''Fives''': Do I ever. :'''Echo''': Hey, 99! :'''99''': Echo, Fives! :'''Echo''': You actually remember us. :'''99''': I remember all my brothers. Is Hevy here? Where is he? :'''Fives''': There was an incident on the Rishi moon outpost. :'''Echo''': He saved our lives, but he gave up his own. :'''99''': Oh, I see... (99 shows his medal given by Hevy) :'''Fives''': Hevy, gave you his medal. :'''99''': So, why have you returned to Kamino? :'''Echo''': We received a transmission of an impending attack here. :'''99''': Well, how can I help? <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Grievous''': Your skills are impressive. Perhaps a match for my own, assassin. :'''Asajj Ventress''': Count Dooku may have taught you how to swing a lightsaber, General, but that ''hardly'' makes you my equal. :'''General Grievous''': And yet, I am the general in charge of this assault. Remember assassin, you're to recover the clone DNA. :'''Asajj Ventress''': Why not just destroy it? :'''General Grievous''': Because the DNA could unlock new possibilities for us. :'''Asajj Ventress''': Keep playing with your droids. I'll handle breaking into the DNA room. :'''General Grievous''': ''(grabs Ventress' wrist)'' Shall I provide you with a droid escort? :'''Asajj Ventress''': ''(wraps fingers around Grievous' respirator)'' My dear general, there's nothing ''(lets fingers slide off Grievous' respirator and slowly begins to leave)'' you have that I could want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Grievous''': Get those doors open and scare the remaining clones out of hiding. :'''General Grievous''': All too easy. :'''Obi-Wan''': Define "easy", General. :'''General Grievous''': Kenobi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clone Cadet''': What are we gonna do? :'''99''': A Separatist victory means death, to all of us. The cadet is right, what are we gonna do? :'''Rex''': We fight :'''Clone Cadet''': But our training's not finished! :'''Fives''': Look around, we're one and the same! Same heart, same blood, your training is in your blood, and my blood is boiling for a fight. :'''Echo''': This is our home, this is our war. :'''Clone Cadet''': But what about weapons? :'''99''': The...armory. It's just a few corridors away, I can retrieve all the firepower that we need. ''(chuckles)'' So, who wants to blast some droids? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commander Cody''': Echo, Fives, you both really stepped up in the heat of the battle. :'''Echo''': We did what we had to do, sir. :'''Fives''': What ''any'' clone would've done. :'''Captain Rex''': Both of you showed valor out there, real courage. Reminded me of me, actually. :'''Commander Cody''': Echo, Fives, you're both officially being made ARC troopers. :'''Captain Rex''': I don't think the Separatists will be coming back here anytime soon. But if they do, Kamino will be lucky to have clones like you defending it. Good job, men. ===''Supply lines'' [3.03]=== :Where there's a will, there's a way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ima-Gun Di''': (As the Twi'leks are escaping) <big>'''''FOR THE REPUBLIC!!! FOR THE TWI'LEKS!!!'''''</big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ima-Gun Di''': Captain Keeli! :'''Captain Keeli''': I'm not finished yet, sir. We can do this, General! (both continue to fight while being surrounded). :'''Ima-Gun Di''': Well, let's make the end memorable! (Captain Keeli gets shot, so does Ima-Gun Di) :'''Blockade Runner Dispatcher''': This is blockade runner 09er-9er, we have broken through. :'''Ima-Gun Di''': (after seeing the dropship) The Twi'leks will live to fight another day. <big>'''''AAAH!!!'''''</big> (gets shot several times) :'''Blockade Runner Dispatcher''': The supplies have arrived at the drop point. ===''Sphere of Influence'' [3.04]=== :A child stolen is a hope lost. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': ''[to Ahsoka]'' I said the situation gives ''you'' cause to investigate, not ''us''. I need to go back to the Jedi Temple and make sure the Council doesn't find out about your little expedition. :'''Padmé Amidala''': Should you really proceed without the Council's approval? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': We do it all the time, don't we, Snips? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': ''[grins]'' Yep. :'''Padmé Amidala''': Well, be careful, Ahsoka. ''[to Anakin]'' I still can't believe they let you teach. ===''Corruption'' [3.05]=== :The challenge of hope is to overcome corruption. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Padmé Amidala''': I must say, when I came to visit, I hadn't pictured us in such an informal setting. :'''Duchess Satine''': Yes, well, from what master Kenobi tells me, during your tenure as queen, you became quite familiar with such excursions. :'''Padmé Amidala''': One can only survive the rigors of courtly formalities for so long. :'''Duchess Satine''': We are of the same mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mandalorian Captain''': Bribery of a customs official at the shipping docks? I'm afraid not. The docks are a highly secure area, free of dangerous criminals. :'''Duchess Satine''': But not free of corruption. The most dangerous weapon in the galaxy is money, Captain. ===''The Academy'' [3.06]=== :Those who enforce the law must obey the law. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prime Minister''': Because of Master Kenobi's recent visit and the trouble that followed, no offworlders may carry weapons on Mandalore. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Master Obi-Wan caused trouble? That's a first. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': ''[Sighs]'' Just give me the lightsaber. ''[Ahsoka hands Anakin her lightsaber]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I hope this assignment wasn't too boring for you. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Eh, it had its moments. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Huh, like the one here you convinced untrained children to help you overthrow a corrupt government? ''[Pulls out Ahsoka's lightsaber and flips it in the air and catches it, then hands it to her]'' :'''Ahsoka Tano''': That was a highlight. ''[Takes her lightsaber from Anakin]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': It sounds pretty risky. You're lucky you didn't get hurt. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Nothing you wouldn't have done. ===''Assassin'' [3.07]=== :The future has many paths - choose wisely. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ahsoka, I sense you're uneasy. What is it? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Oh. I... ''[sighs]'' Nothing. Master, let me come with you. If I'm not with you, who else will have your back? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Stay here, finish your studies, get some rest. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': You said it yourself: I learn more in the field than I ever do here. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Well, think of this as a chance to prove me wrong. ''[Anakin climbs onto the waiting ship before turning back around to face Ahsoka as the ship takes off]'' And stay out of trouble! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I can't just stay behind knowing about the threat to your life. Allow me to come with you, please? :'''Padmé Amidala''': Well, I...suppose it couldn't hurt. Besides, I enjoy your company. Of course you can join me. As...extra security. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Thanky you, Padmé. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ziro. :'''Ziro the Hutt''': Oh. You must be Anakin Skywalker. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Have you met my Padawan, Ahsoka Tano? :'''Ziro the Hutt''': ''[chuckles]'' Padawan. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I believe you have a grudge against Senator Amidala. :'''Ziro the Hutt''': And what makes you say something so utterly ridiculous, youngling? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': It's because of Senator Amidala you're locked up in this place. The bounty hunter Aurra Sing attempted to kill the Senator. I believe you hired her for the job. :'''Ziro the Hutt''': I did no such thing. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': We have Aurra Sing in custody. She told us everything. :'''Ziro the Hutt''': ''[stammers]'' But… What? Wait, she told… She told you what?! Impossible! I should have hired someone better. ''[suddenly realizes what he just said]'' Oh. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': You just guaranteed yourself an extra-long vacation in this lovely establishment. :'''Ziro the Hutt''': ''[inhales deeply]'' Do you see the conditions I'm living in?! That… That insipid Senator put me in here! She deserves to die for leaving me to rot in this squalor! :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Well, thanks to you, Ziro, and that little confession, you've just officially failed. ''[she and Anakin leave]'' :'''Ziro the Hutt''': You'll never get away with this! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M '''CAPABLE OF!!!!''' ''[echoing]'' ===''Evil Plans'' [3.08]=== :A failure in planning is a plan for failure. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Senator Padmé Amidala''': 3PO, is there a problem? :'''C-3PO''': I'm sorry, my lady, but it appears the dessert is missing, it's Jugan fruit. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': So go get one. :'''C-3PO''': I could not possibly leave now. :'''Senator Padmé Amidala''': 3PO... :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Fine. Send R2 then. :'''C-3PO''': I'm afraid that may not be the most appropriate idea. It was R2-D2 who put us in this predicament, quite inadvertently, I'm sure. ''[R2-D2 whirs]'' :'''Senator Padmé Amidala''': ''[Padmé looks up at Anakin with pleading eyes]'' Please handle this. ''[Padmé walks away]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': ''[Sighs]'' Okay, 3PO, look, I'm sending you on a mission. :'''C-3PO''': A mission? Oh, my. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Yes. And R2 is going along with you. :'''C-3PO''': Oh, my. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': This should be more than enough credit-- if you don't get swindled. :'''C-3PO''': Swindled? Me? ''[R2-D2 beeps]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Yes, you. Go there, come back, don't get lost and don't get distracted. :'''C-3PO''': Of course, Master Anakin. Come along, R2. ''[R2-D2 beeps and follows C-3PO]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Senator Padmé Admidala''': Where can 3PO be? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I have no idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Oh, no. I'm never gonna hear the end of this one. ''[R2-D2 beeps and Anakin turns to see C-3PO and R2-D2]'' 3PO, where were you? You almost missed the whole party. :'''C-3PO''': We encountered some complications, sir. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': What kind of complications? :'''C-3PO''': Actually, I have no recollection of my day. I cannot really explain where I have been. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': You're gonna have to do better than that, 3PO, because if Padmé's dinner is a disaster then you're the not only one she's gonna be mad at. :'''Senator Padmé Amidala''': Oh, Anakin, stop worrying. The cake is right here. You should really lighten up on these two. ''[R2-D2 beeps]'' 3PO, you've done a magnificent job. :'''C-3PO''': Oh, my, a magnificent job! A magnificent job. A magnificent job. A magnificent job. A magnificent job. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Well, we're gonna hear about this one for awhile, buddy. ''[R2-D2 beeps]'' :'''C-3PO''': A magnificent job. A magnificent job. A magnificent... ===''Hunt for Ziro'' [3.09]=== :Love comes in all shapes and sizes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ziro is brought before the Grand Hutt Council]'' :'''Ziro''': Gentlemen, gentlemen! I see no need for resentment In light of this joyous occasion of my freedom. :'''Gardulla''': Chuba kispa manta kul kispa. :'''Ziro''': Of course, I do appreciate the help in my escape. :'''Marlo''': Ta kispa che copah, chuba yarpa za. :'''Ziro''': Oh, I have no illusions about the fact that my escape was a result of the highly sensitive knowledge that I possess. A holo-diary cataloging the nefarious deeds of this Council. :'''Arok''': ''[growls]'' Un yoka, je puna boya chobo! :'''Ziro''': Kill me and the diary will show up on the step of the Senate. The cold, hard reality is that as long as I control this highly sensitive material, my memory will only get ''duller.'' :'''Gardulla''': Yacha chobo nichu. :'''Ziro''': Yes, take me to my room. I only hope the accommodations are satisfactory. <hr width="50%"/> :''Quinlan Vos and Obi-Wan are hanging off a cliff]'' :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': I never did enjoy hanging out with you. ===''Heroes on Both Sides'' [3.10]=== :Fear is a great motivator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Master Skywalker said you should teach me about politics. :'''Padmé Amidala''': Right. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': You know, you two have more in common than you think. It's no wonder you get along so well. :'''Padmé Amidala''': Huh. Of course. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Padmé Amidala''': You just gave me an idea. You're a Jedi, which gives you special clearance. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Right. :'''Padmé Amidala''': And Jedi are allowed to travel to neutral worlds like Mandalore, where we could then board a cargo ship to a Separatist system. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Are you suggesting I use my status as a Jedi to smuggle you behind enemy lines? :'''Padmé Amidala''': It's just that you could get us through to meet her, and I haven't seen her or her family in so long. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Relax, I'll help you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Padmé Amidala''': I am certain if you could convince your representatives to extend an olive branch of peace towards the Republic, there might be enough sympathy in the senate to finally open negotiations. :'''Mina Bonteri''': I admire your spirit, Padmé. I can at least put the motion on the floor. :'''Padmé Amidala''': Thank you, Mina. That's all I ask. :'''Mina Bonteri''': To peace, then. :'''Padmé Amidala''': To hope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Count Dooku''': Are your droids ready? :'''General Grievous''': I am about to deploy the infiltrators, my lord. :'''Nix Card''': You must hurry, the senate is restless. :'''General Grievous''': I don't take orders from you! Only Count Dooku. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I'm the first Jedi you've ever met, aren't I? :'''Lux Bonteri''': Well, um...yes. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': ''[gives Lux a flirtish grin]'' Look at me. I'm not so bad, am I? :'''Lux Bonteri''': No, not bad at all. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': ''[drops the act]'' Ugh. Well, it seems boys are the same whether they're Republic or Separatist. :'''Lux Bonteri''': Wait! How many Separatists have you met? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': What? :'''Lux Bonteri''': I mean, you think we’re all the bad guys, but how many of us have you actually met? And droids don’t count. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Well, other than military officers, like Grievous and Ventress, none, I guess. You and your mother are the first. :'''Lux Bonteri''': Look at me. Am I so bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': That's not my role, Padmé. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Why not? Why isn't your role? Aren't we Jedi Knights? Isn't it our duty to speak our minds to advise the Chancellor? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': ''[Clears his throat]'' Uh, I suggest you teach my young Padawan a thing or two about politics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lux Bonteri''': You really believe the Republic will vote for peace? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I hope so. I wouldn't want to meet you on the battlefield, for your sake. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Truthfully, I don't understand any of it. I know the Separatists are evil, but all anyone argued about was banking deregulation, interest rates and, well, almost nothing about why we're fighting in the first place. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': War's complicated, Ahsoka. But let me simplify it. The Separatists believe the Republic is corrupt, but they're wrong, and we have to restore order. :'''Senator Padmé Admidala''': Maybe talking to the Jedi Council isn't the role for you after all. Thanks for your help. Come on, Ahsoka. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Hey! :'''Senator Padmé Amidala''': You told me to teach her about politics, so I'm going to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': ''[to Padmé]'' Master Skywalker and I hold what we call aggressive negotiations all the time. It's a shame you can't hold more peaceful talks when you want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Senator Padmé Admidala''': I'm returning your Padawan. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I'm sorry your talks with Bonteri failed. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': How did you know? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': We have eyes and ears everywhere, Ahsoka. That was dangerous and careless going to Raxus, not to mention illegal. You went too far this time. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': You would do the same. You do the same all the time. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': This was too much. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Maybe so. But I did realize something. The politics of this war are not as black and white as I once thought they were. ===''Pursuit of Peace'' [3.11]=== :Truth can strike down the spectre of fear. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Padmé is presenting her speech to the Senate]'' :'''Padmé Amidala''': Teckla Minnau. Teckla is one of my aides. Like so many of the people that we tell ourselves we're here to serve, Teckla lives in a district that rarely has electricity and running water as a result of the war. Her children can now only bathe every two weeks, and they have no light in which to read or study at night. The Republic has always funded these basic services, but now, there are those who would divert the money to the war, with no thought for what the people need to survive. If not for people like Teckla and her children, who are we fighting for? My people, your people, all of our people. This war is meant to save them from suffering, not increase it. I support our brave soldiers, whether they come from the clone factories, or from any of the thousands of systems loyal to the Republic, but if we continue to impoverish our people, it is not on the battlefield where Dooku will defeat us, but in our own homes. Therefore, it is our duty and our responsibility to preserve the lives of those around us by defeating this bill. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chancellor Palpatine''': (during a Senate meeting) We have just received a message from our opponent, Count Dooku. :'''Count Dooku''': (in a hologram) Your Republic forces have carried out a barbaric attack on our people, and among the deaths was the very sponsor of the peace accord, senator Mina Bonteri. :'''Padme Amidala''': What? No! :'''Count Dooku''': With her needless death, I must formally withdraw the proposal for peace offered by our senate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chancellor Palpatine''': Isn't it remarkable, that one can have all the power in the galaxy, and yet the words of a single senator, can sway the thoughts of millions? :'''Mas Amedda''': What do you plan to do about this? :'''Chancellor Palpatine''': For now, we must adhere to the principles of our democracy. We must let the wheels of the senate turn. ===''Nightsisters'' [3.12]=== :The swiftest path to destruction is through vengeance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darth Sidious''': Lord Tyranus. :'''Count Dooku''': My master. :'''Darth Sidious''': There is a disturbance in the Force. Your assassin, she has become very powerful. :'''Count Dooku''': Yes, my lord. She is quite important to me. :'''Darth Sidious''': ''Too'' important. :'''Count Dooku''': Master-- :'''Darth Sidious''': Silence! I can sense her powers getting stronger. I would hate to think you are training your own Sith apprentice to destroy me. :'''Count Dooku''': Never! My allegiance is to you and you alone. :'''Darth Sidious''': Then you must prove it. Eliminate her. :'''Count Dooku''': She is my most trusted-- :'''Darth Sidious''': '''I SAID, ''ELIMINATE HER!''''' :'''Count Dooku''': As you wish, my lord. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Asajj Ventress''': Master, I need your help quickly! I'm surrounded. :'''Count Dooku''': You have already lost the battle, child. I've ordered your reinforcements to return. :'''Asajj Ventress''': No! I will destroy the Jedi. I'll show you! :'''Count Dooku''': You have failed me for the last time. You are no longer my apprentice. And now... you shall die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Asajj Ventress''': (in a flashback; after seeing her Jedi master dead) '''''MASTER!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Looks like I'm her favorite. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I'm kind of disappointed. Only the droids follow me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': No, thank you. No-- Thank you, R2. That's quite enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Ventress, you're not looking well. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': She never does. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': You have failed, Ventress. Surrender. :'''Asajj Ventress''': Never! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nightsister''': Mother, we've-- we've ''failed''. :'''Mother Talzin''': Where one sees failure, others see opportunity. :'''Asajj Ventress''': What do you mean, Mother? :'''Mother Talzin''': Your infiltration proves Dooku is vulnerable. ===''Monster'' [3.13]=== :Evil is not born, it is taught. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mother Talzin''': You have heard of the Sith warrior, Darth Maul, have you not? :'''Count Dooku''': Yes, he was slain on Naboo at the hand of Obi Wan Kenobi. :'''Mother Talzin''': A few still remain in his bloodline. What if I could provide you with another of his kind? :'''Count Dooku''': A warrior of the same caliber? :'''Mother Talzin''': Yes, the men on the far side of Dathomir. One can be found. :'''Count Dooku''': With the death of my assassin, Asajj Ventress, and the attacks from the Jedi stepping up, I am in the need of a new assassin. :'''Mother Talzin''': One can be arranged, Count. But I warn you, men can be easily persuaded but hard to control. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Savage Opress''': You beg? ''Weakling''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Savage Opress''': (referring to Feral) As long as I live, you will not harm him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dooku''': You have done well, Savage. I'll have much use for you. :'''Savage Opress''': Thank you, my Lord. :'''Dooku''': I foresee we will do great things together. I shall teach you the ways of the dark side. Soon, your powers will ''rival'' that of the great Sith Lord, Darth Maul. We will be even more powerful than Lord Sidious. We shall rule the galaxy together, my apprentice. :'''Savage Opress''': I am your servant, Master. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Count Dooku''': Sister. :'''Mother Talzin''': Count Dooku, may I present Savage Opress. (Savage walks out of the ship with weapon in hand) :'''Count Dooku''': He certainly is a sight to behold. :'''Mother Talzin''': The fiercest of his kind, he shall serve you well. :'''Count Dooku''': (with a sinister smile) Yes. He shall. (Savage kneels) ===''Witches of the Mist'' [3.14]=== :The path to evil may bring great power, but not loyalty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': [''referring to Savage Opress' handiwork''] This is not the work of a Sith Lord, ''or'' of a Jedi... but a reckless, impulsive animal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dooku teaches Savage how to use the Dark Side of the Force]'' :'''Count Dooku''': You must strengthen your connection with the Force, my apprentice. Feel its power within you. ''[using the Force, he lifts two rows of pillars into the air as a demonstration of his power. After a few seconds, he releases them]'' Now… lift them. ''[Savage gets into position]'' Concentrate. ''[Savage tries to lift the pillars with the Force, but to no avail]'' :'''Savage Opress''': What you ask is impossible! :'''Count Dooku''': Impossible? The task is only impossible because you have deemed it so. You must connect with your hatred! ''[blasts Savage with Force Lightning]'' Focus on your power building. Do not think of anyone or anything else. ''[blasts Savage with Force Lightning again]'' That's it. Your anger is your strength. :'''Savage Opress''': ''[shudders]'' I... ''hate'' you! :'''Count Dooku''': Good. ''[blasts Savage with Force Lightning again. In the process, Savage stands up and lifts two pillars with the Force]'' :'''Savage Opress''': How does one defend against such power? :'''Count Dooku''': A wise master does not reveal all his secrets at once. In due time, my apprentice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dooku prepares to dispatch Savage on a mission]'' :'''Count Dooku''': You have completed the first stages of your training, and I am sending you on an assignment to Toydaria. You will bring me King Katuunko alive. Kill all who might interfere. :'''Savage Opress''': Yes, my Master. ''[kneels]'' It will be done. ''[boards his ship and departs for Toydaria]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Count Dooku''': ''[after Savage kills King Katuunko]'' You ignorant beast! I told you I wanted him alive! ''[blasts Savage with Force Lightning]'' :'''Savage Opress''': ''[after being shocked]'' Forgive me, my master. :'''Count Dooku''': That is not the way of the dark side. ''[blasts Savage with Force Lightning again. Ventress then arrives on the scene]'' Ventress! :'''Asajj Ventress''': That's no way to treat your apprentice. I should know. :'''Count Dooku''': ''[drawing lightsaber]'' Savage, you can make amends for your mistake by destroying this witch. :'''Asajj Ventress''': ''[cackles gleefully]'' I don't think that will be happening! Will it, Savage? ''[taps Savage's forehead]'' Remember where your true loyalties lie. :'''Savage Opress''': With you... mistress. ''[both of them draw their lightsabers]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Asajj Ventress''': Kill him! Kill him, you fool! ''[yells]'' :'''Savage Opress''': ''[he tries to attack, but Dooku blasts him with Force Lightning]'' Ah! I can't. He's too powerful. :'''Asajj Ventress''': Your weakness will not be my downfall! :'''Count Dooku''': A failed apprentice makes for a foolish master! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Be on guard. These men are ferocious warriors, and they will show no mercy. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Don't worry. I won't start anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': So much for not starting something. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Hey, don't look at me. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Don't harm them. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Don't tell me. Tell them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Who is Mother Talzin? :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': She's the leader of an ancient order of witches, the nightsisters. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Great. Warrior-like men, witches-- Oh, this place is all kinds of fun. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': I'm glad you think so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': I don't know much about Mother Talzin, but I don't expect to be welcome here. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': ''[Chuckles]'' You never know. I tend to be popular with the ladies. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': ''Too'' popular. ===''Overlords'' [3.15]=== :Balance is found in the one who faces his guilt. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Father''': [''as Anakin points his lightsaber at the Father's face''] Cannot sleep? To strike an unarmed man is hardly the Jedi way. :'''Anakin''': You're a Sith Lord! :'''The Father''': You have a very simple view of the universe. I am neither Sith, nor Jedi. I am much more. And so are you. :'''Anakin''': I see through your spells and visions, old man. Tell me what is going on here! :'''The Father''': [''grips Anakin's lightsaber blade with his bare hand''] Some call us Force-wielders. [''pushes the lightsaber blade back into its hilt, deactivating it''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan''': You are Sith! :'''The Son''': Sith? [''chuckles''] ''Yes''... and no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Oh, come on, that's impossible. Something's wrong. We're at the exact coordinates where the distress signal originated, but there's nothing here. Rex is at the exact same coordinates, and he's not here. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': This is getting interesting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': And we thought the planet was strange. How about this one? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Excuse me, who are you taking us to? :'''Daughter''': The Father, of course. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Of course. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': And what exactly are you? :'''Daughter''': We are the ones who guard the power. We are the middle, the beginning, and the end. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Glad she cleared that up for us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Obi-Wan's vision]'' :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': Obi-Wan, have you done as I asked? Have you trained the boy? :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': ''[stands up and activates his lightsaber in shock]'' Master Qui-Gon? How are you here? :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': I am here because you are here. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': No, I don't understand. What is this place? :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': Unlike any other, a conduit through which the entire Force of the universe flows. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Are we in danger? :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': This planet is both an amplifier and a magnet. Three are here who seek Skywalker. They, like me, believe him to be the Chosen One. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': ''[sheaths his lightsaber]'' You were right. The Force within him is stronger than any known Jedi. I have trained him as well as I could, but he is still willful, and balance eludes him. :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': If he is the Chosen One, he will discover it here. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': And if not? :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': Then you must realize, with his power, this is a very dangerous place for him to be. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anakin's vision]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I tasted only vengeance when I slaughtered so many to avenge your death. :'''Shmi Skywalker''': It is time you realized that your guilt does not define you, my son. ''You'' define your guilt. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': The only love I feel in my heart is haunted by what would happen, should I let go. :'''Shmi Skywalker''': Then it is not love. It is a ''prison''. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': But I have a wife. You've met her. She's ''everything'' to me. :'''Shmi Skywalker''': She is not your destiny. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': But I love her! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ahsoka's vision]'' :'''Older Ahsoka''': Are you happy, child? Your master, does he treat you well? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': What concern of it is yours? :'''Older Ahsoka''': I am your future, your potential. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': This is a trick. :'''Older Ahsoka''': There is a wildness to you, young one. Seeds of the dark side planted by your master. Do you feel it? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': No. He is like no other Jedi. Passionate, impulsive... But I trust him with my life. :'''Older Ahsoka''': There are many contradictions in you and him. Be warned: You may never see your future if you remain his student. Leave this planet! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Yeah, but our friend has run off! Go back to the ship and try sending another distress call. I'll follow her and find out how to get off this rock. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': And if this is a trap? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Then I'm not gonna wait around to find out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Do not trust him. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': You think? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Father''': I have ordered my children to kill your friends. The question is... which one will you choose to save - your master... or your apprentice? You must now release the guilt and free yourself by choosing. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': No! :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Their powers are too strong for us, Anakin! Save Ahsoka! :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Aah! :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Let them go. :'''The Father''': Only ''you'' can make my children release them. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Anakin! The planet is the Force. Use it. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': You will '''''let them go!''''' ''[...]'' '''''ON YOUR KNEES!''''' ''[the Daughter and the Son forcibly fall on their knees]'' :'''The Father''': And now you see who you truly are. Only the Chosen One could tame both my children. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Father''': It has been foretold. The chosen one will remain to keep my children in balance. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': No. :'''The Father''': I cannot force you to do this. The choice must be yours. But leave and your selfishness shall haunt you and the galaxy. ===''Altar of Mortis'' [3.16]=== :He who surrenders hope, surrenders life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Son''': You are the chosen one. Join me. Together we can change the balance of the universe, my friend. :'''Anakin''': You must know I will ''never'' join the Dark Side willingly. :'''The Son''': How simple you make it. Light and Dark...as if there is one without the other. Allied, you and I can restore balance wherever we go, peace to the universe. :'''Anakin''': By becoming a Sith? Never! :'''The Son''': ''[furious]'' We will '''''DESTROY''''' the Sith! And the Jedi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Daughter''': What have you done, brother? :'''The Son''': Done? I have done what is right...or what is wrong, depending on your point of view. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Look out! ''[Anakin almost hits a tower and crashes the ship]'' I didn't think you saw it. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': It was a giant tower. Of course I saw it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ahsoka. Ahsoka! It's me. You're safe. Now let's go. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Are you... proud... of me, Master? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': What?! Uh... Of course, Snips. Of course I'm proud of you. Now, let's get out of here. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': ''[she opens her eyes]'' He's right, right about everything. You must join him. He only wants what's best for the universe. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Hey... What's wrong with you? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Always with the criticism, Master, never really believing in me, trusting me. Well, I don't need you anymore. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ahsoka... Ahsoka, listen to me. He has done something to you. Snap out of it. This isn't you, Ahsoka! :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Isn't it? I feel more like myself than I ever have. He asked me to give you a message. He said if you didn't join him, he will kill me. ''[laughs]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I won't let him. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Then ''you'' will be forced to kill me! ''[ignites one of her lightsabers. Anakin is horrified]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I don't want to fight you, Ahsoka. ''[Ahsoka disarms him]'' :'''Ahsoka Tano''': And now... the student will kill the master. :''[Anakin uses the Force to retrieve his lightsaber]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Getting ahead of yourself, aren't you, Snips? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Don't call me that! I ''hate'' it when you call me that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Son has killed Ahsoka]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Can you help her? :'''Father''': There is no light. The evil has been unleashed, and the dark side shall consume her. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': ''[desperately]'' You must help her! :'''Father''': I cannot undo what is done. There is no hope. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Yes, there is! There's ''always'' hope! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ahsoka is resurrected, and Anakin hugs her, relieved to see her back in her normal state]'' :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Hey, Snips. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': What's going on? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Not much. It's good to see you. ===''Ghosts of Mortis'' [3.17]=== :He who seeks to control fate shall never find peace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Son''': I have a gift for you. :'''Anakin''': I have had ''enough'' of your trickery. :'''The Son''': Oh, but you'll like this one, I promise... What if I could show you the future? :'''Anakin''': ''[clutches his head as unseen visions assault him]'' No. No! Stop it! :'''The Son''': Know yourself. Know what you will become! :''[Mist surrounds Anakin as the Son disappears and he hears and sees visions of his [[w:Star Wars Episode III:Revenge of the Sith|future]]]'' :'''Anakin''': I will not look! :'''Darth Sidious''': The Force is strong with you. ''[Anakin sees Sidious shooting lightning, as well as himself killing younglings and Force-choking Padmé]'' :'''Padmé''': ''[pleading]'' Anakin, please! :'''Obi Wan''': You were my brother, Anakin! :'''Darth Sidious''' ''[Voice]'' A powerful Sith you will become. :'''Anakin/Vader''': ''[Voice as Alderaan is blown to bits]'' '''''I HATE YOU!''''' :''[The mist shapes into the form of Anakin's [[w:Darth Vader|future self]], followed by a familiar sound of breathing, then the mist clears]'' :'''Anakin''': No, no. No! '''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!''' ''[he falls to his knees, close to tears]'' I will do such terrible things... :'''The Son''': Yes... but it doesn't have to be that way. The choice is still yours to make. :'''Anakin''': How? :'''The Son''': The future, by its nature, can be changed. Join me, and together we will ''destroy'' this Emperor that you see in your visions, then we shall end war, corruption and suffering throughout the galaxy! :'''Anakin''': ''[hesitant]'' Will we bring peace? :'''The Son''': Of course. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan''': Anakin, are you all right? :'''Anakin''': There has been a change of plan. ''[Force pushes Obi-Wan's speeder into the lava]'' Sorry. You will not understand what I have to do to end the Clone War. You will try to stop me. :''[The Son arrives and blasts Obi-Wan with his red Force lightning]'' :'''Obi-Wan''': ''[horrified]'' Anakin, why?! :'''Anakin''': ''[regretfully]'' I'm sorry, but I have seen that it is the Jedi who will stand in the way of peace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Father''': What did he show you? :'''Anakin''': I have seen what I become, and I cannot let that happen. :'''The Father''': And for ''this'', you join him? Your destiny can change as quickly as the love in one's heart can fade. ''Nothing'' is set in stone. :'''Anakin''': But I will cause so much pain! :'''The Father''': If there is to be balance, what you have seen must be... forgotten. ''[Taps Anakin’s forehead, knocking him out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Father''': ''[to Anakin]'' You are the chosen one. You have brought balance to this world. Stay on this path, and you will do it again for the galaxy. But beware your heart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Father''': You cannot interfere. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': The way I see it, if we were not supposed to interfere, Ahsoka and I wouldn't be here in the first place. Look after the ship. I'm going to find Anakin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Ahsoka, come in, please. Can you hear me? Ahsoka! :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Yes, Master. Any success with Anakin? :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': No, quite the opposite. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Master... what are you saying? :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Anakin has joined with the Son. Do not engage him. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': But-- :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Just do as I say. Listen to me. You have to disable the ship. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': But I just finished putting it back together. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Ahsoka, please listen. We have to prevent Anakin and the Son from leaving. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Yes, Master. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ahsoka... What have you done? ''[Ahsoka takes off with Anakin's speeder]'' Ahsoka! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Hmm, nice job. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': What took you so long? ===''The Citadel'' [3.18]=== :Adaptation is the key to survival. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ahsoka, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this earlier, but you won't be coming along. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Not coming? But you're breaking into Citadel. No one's ever done it. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': The Citadel wasn't designed to hold common criminals. It was created to hold Jedi if any of us lost our way. It's not a place for Padawans. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': You're just being protective again. That's not fair. How am I supposed to learn if you won't let me share the risk? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': This isn't a mission for learning. You either do or die. And that's not a risk I'm willing to share. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': This is your idea? Carbon-freezing? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': You wanted to shield us from the life-form scanners. :'''Fives''': Are we sure this thing is safe? I don't want to end up a wall decoration. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Hey, Snips. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Hey, Master. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': I must have carbon sickness because I could swear that's Ahsoka. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Your eyes are fine. It's Ahsoka's hearing that needs help. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I received orders to join the team. I thought you knew. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Orders? From who? :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I discussed it with Master Plo. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': He didn't tell me. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': You were already in carbonite. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Well, I gave you a specific order not to come. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': If there's one thing I've learned from you, Master, it's that following direct orders isn't always the best way to solve a problem. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': I see Anakin's new teaching method is to do as I say, not as I do. Welcome aboard. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': That wasn't the plan. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Well, it's in the plan now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Tarkin''': I reserve my trust for those who take action, General Skywalker. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Then let me remind you, we rescued you back there and I reserve my trust for those who understand gratitude, Captain Tarkin. ===''Counterattack'' [3.19]=== :Anything that can go wrong will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Sorry I'm late. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': How nice of you to join us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Osi Sobeck''': What... did... you... just... say? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Captain Tarkin, haven't you learned to trust me by now? :'''Captain Tarkin''': You may have learned my trust, General Skywalker, but my faith in your comrades is still lacking. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': You lack faith in the Jedi. :'''Captain Tarkin''': I find their tactics ineffective. The Jedi code prevents them from going far enough to achieve victory, to do whatever it takes to win, the very reason why peacekeepers should not be leading a war. Have I offended you? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': No. I've also found that we sometimes fall short of victory because of our methods. :'''Captain Tarkin''': I see we agree on something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Plo Koon''': Master Kenobi, what has happened? :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': I'm afraid we've had a situation with the shuttle. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': By "situation", he means "big explosion". We're gonna need a rescue. :'''Plo Koon''': It will be done. I’m sending our cruisers now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Echo''': This is our only chance. We've got to stop him. (grabs shield and heads toward the ship) :'''Fives''': Echo, look out! (droid destroys the ship and seemingly kills Echo) '''''ECHO!!!!!''''' :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': We have to go now! ===''Citadel Rescue'' [3.20]=== :Without honor, victory is hollow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': You know, it's not wise to argue with Master Piell. It's certainly not a good career move. :'''Captain Tarkin''': General Skywalker, I stand by my principles, no matter what. Besides, I needn't worry about my career. I've fallen into favor with the Chancellor. He shall support me. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Oh. I happen to know the Chancellor quite well, myself. :'''Captain Tarkin''': Oh, really? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Really. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Tarkin''': A job well done, General Skywalker. I wish more Jedi had your military sensibilities. Perhaps I can inform the Chancellor of your valor. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': I'm not sure what to think of your new ally. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I think we need people like him. This is a war. If we aren't willing to do what it takes to win, we risk losing everything we try to protect. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Unfortunately, war tends to distort our point of view. If we sacrifice our code, even for victory, we may lose that which is most important, our honor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Why did Master Piell have to share half the intel with that guy? It's like he's not even grateful we rescued him. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Captain Tarkin feels the Jedi should be relieved from the burden of leading the war effort. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': That's ridiculous. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Maybe, but we aren't soldiers. We're peacekeepers. The Jedi code often prevents us from going far enough to achieve victory. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': A rather simple point of view. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Either way, he is a good captain. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Even Piell is heavily wounded and Ahsoka tends to him]'' :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I have to get help! :'''Even Piell''': ''[dying]'' No, don't leave. Listen to me carefully, child. The information-- I need you to deliver it back to the Council. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I should find Anakin or Obi-Wan. They need to hear this. :'''Even Piell''': No. You must listen. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': But I wasn't assigned to the team. I lied just so I could be a part of the mission. :'''Even Piell''': Whether you were meant to be on this mission or not, you are now the most important part of it. Remember this, and see to it that the information I'm about to give you is revealed to no one but the Jedi Council. ''[Ahsoka leans in close, and Piell whispers his half of the information to her before dying]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Master Plo, there's something we want to ask you. Did you assign Ahsoka to the mission? :''[pause]'' :'''Plo Koon''': It appears I did. ===''Padawan Lost'' [3.21]=== :Without humility, courage is a dangerous game. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': ''[referring to Ahsoka]'' I'm not abandoning her. :'''Plo Koon''': Your emotions are clouding your judgement. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I will not leave her fate up to others. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Plo Koon''': What is Ahsoka's strength? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': She is fearless. :'''Plo Koon''': That can also be a weakness. Is she a worthy apprentice? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': No one has her kind of determination. :'''Plo Koon''': Except you. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I'll find her. :'''Plo Koon''': This may not be within your power. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Whatever you're trying to say, Master Plo, just say it! :'''Plo Koon''': I am suggesting that, perhaps, if you have trained her well, she shall take care of herself and find a way back to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnac''': ''[after killing Kalifa]'' Those Jedi whelps killed my son. Young Dar! ''[furiously continues firing into the woods]'' THERE'S NO ESCAPE!!!! '''I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN!!!!!!!!!''' ''[to Lagon]'' MOVE US IN CLOSER! :'''Lagon''': We can't. The brush is too thick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnac''': '''YAARGH!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!! YOU KILLED MY SON!!!!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!! AAAARRRGH!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME!!!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' ===''Wookiee Hunt'' [3.22]=== :A great student is what the teacher hopes to be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnac''': ''[growls]'' She can’t hide forever. Mark my words: I’ll have her hide and nail it to the wall for killing my son! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ahsoka! :'''Plo Koon''': It is good to see you safe, little 'Soka. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Ahsoka, I am so sorry. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': For what? :'''Anakin Skywalker''': For letting you go, for letting you get taken. It was my fault. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': No, Master, it wasn't your fault. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I should've paid more attention. I should've tried harder. I-- :'''Ahsoka Tano''': You already did everything you could, everything you had to do. When I was out there, alone, all I had was your training and the lessons you taught me and because of you, I did survive. And not only that, I was able to lead others to survive as well. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': I don't know what to say. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': I do. Thank you, Master. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': You're welcome, my Padawan. ''[Anakin and Ahsoka bow to each other in respect]'' == External links== {{Wikipedia|Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)}} [[Category:Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series) seasons]] d0wiaytb0cb9hion8rhse581hufvgjk 0 192425 3944370 3942751 2026-05-23T06:44:10Z GrimRob 1187925 /* External links */ 3944370 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Beyoncé at The Lion King European Premiere 2019.png|thumb|Beyoncé at ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' premiere in 2019]] '''[[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter]]''' (born [[September 4]], [[1981]]) is an [[American]] [[singer]], [[songwriter]], and [[actress]]. == Quotes == * After having my daughter, I made a conscious effort to regain control of my health and my body. But I didn't want to do a crash diet. I was a mom now. I needed to change my ways and set an example for my child. … A year later (around November 2013), my husband and I decided we wanted to try a [[veganism|completely plant-based]] diet … And so the journey began that helped me get into the best shape of my life. Little did I know the long-lasting effects it would have. I thought, like with most diets, I would feel deprived and hate food, that I would miss out on restaurants and celebrations, that I would get headaches and be irritable, etc. I was wrong about all of that. It took a few days to adjust, but what I discovered was increased energy, better sleep, weight loss, improved digestion, clarity, and an incredibly positive feeling for my actions and the effects it would have on those around me and the environment. ** [https://books.google.it/books?id=KfeoBAAAQBAJ&pg=PP10 Foreword] to Marco Borges's ''The 22-Day Revolution'', New York: Penguin, 2015 * We have to care about our bodies and what we put in them. Women have to take the time to focus on our mental health—take time for self, for the spiritual, without feeling guilty or selfish. The world will see you the way you see you, and treat you the way you treat yourself. ** [http://www.elle.com/fashion/a35286/beyonce-elle-cover-photos "Beyoncé Wants to Change the Conversation", interview with ''Elle'' (4 April 2016)] * Anyone who perceives my message as anti-[[police]] is completely mistaken. I have so much admiration and respect for officers and the families of officers who sacrifice themselves to keep us safe. But let's be clear: I am against police brutality and injustice. Those are two separate things. ** [https://time.com/4282452/beyonce-anyone-who-perceives-my-message-as-anti-police-is-completely-mistaken/ "Beyoncé: 'Anyone Who Perceives My Message as Anti-Police Is Completely Mistaken'"]. ''Time''. 5 April 2016. * I'm not bossy. I'm the boss. ** [https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/beyonce-wants-you-to-stop-saying-bossy-203689/ "Beyoncé wants you to stop saying bossy'"]. ''Rolling Stone''. 10 March 2014. *“I just wanna encourage people to do what they’re passionate about and to stay persistent.” **[https://www.elle.com/culture/celebrities/a63562668/beyonce-speech-grammys-2025-transcript/? Beyoncé Is Shocked to Win the Grammy for Best Country Album With ''Cowboy Carter''] ELLE ( Feb 02, 2025) *“Rumi, who’s on the album, our youngest daughter, she was watching [at home], and I forgot to thank her so I get to thank her now. Thank you, Rumi.” **[https://ew.com/beyonce-thanks-daughter-rumi-after-forgetting-her-in-2025-grammys-speech-8785108? Beyoncé thanks daughter Rumi after forgetting her in Grammys speech for Album of the Year] EWE.COM( February 3, 2025) *“When I look out there, I see myself.” **[https://www.houstonchronicle.com/entertainment/music/article/beyonce-cowboy-carter-emotional-message-hometown-20399058.php? 'When I look out there, I see myself': Beyoncé kicks off Houston concert with an emotional thank you] Houston chronicle (June 28, 2025) *“I’d like to thank my beautiful husband, my beautiful three children who are at home watching.” **[https://www.out.com/gay-music/beyonce-thanks-her-uncle-johnny-queer-community-during-grammy-speech? Beyoncé Thanks Her Uncle Johnny & Queer Community During Grammy Speech] Out magazine (February 05 2023) *“Thank you so much. I’m trying not to be too emotional, and I’m trying to just receive this night.” **[https://www.out.com/gay-music/beyonce-thanks-her-uncle-johnny-queer-community-during-grammy-speech? Beyoncé Thanks Her Uncle Johnny & Queer Community During Grammy Speech] out.com (February 05 2023) === Remarks at a rally for the Kamala Harris presidential campaign (2024) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Our [[voices]] sing a chorus of [[unity]]. They sing a song of [[dignity]] and [[opportunity]]. Are y’all ready to add your voice to the new [[American]] [[song]]?]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF-jeVAoT24 'I'm here as a mother': Beyoncé endorses Kamala Harris in emotional Texas rally speech"''MSNBC'' (24 October 2024)] </small> * We are at the precipice of an incredible shift, the brink of history. I’m not here as a celebrity. I’m not here as a politician. I’m here as a mother. A mother who cares deeply about the world my children and all of our children live in. A world where we have the freedom to control our bodies. A world where we’re not divided. Our past, our present, our future, merge to meet us here. * It’s [[time]] to sing a new [[song]]. A song that began 248 years ago. The old notes of downfall, [[discord]], [[despair]], no longer resonate. Our generations of loved ones before us are whispering a [[prophecy]], a quest, a calling, an anthem. Our [[moment]] right [[now]]. It’s time for [[America]] to sing a new song. <br /> Our [[voices]] sing a chorus of [[unity]]. They sing a song of [[dignity]] and [[opportunity]]. Are y’all ready to add your voice to the new American song? Because I am. ''So let’s do this!'' * After the birth of my first child, I believed in the things society said about how my body should look. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). * During my recovery, I gave myself self-love and self-care, and I embraced being curvier. I accepted what my body wanted to be, To this day my arms, shoulders, breasts, and thighs are fuller. I have a little mommy pouch, and I’m in no rush to get rid of it. I think it’s real. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). * Whenever I’m ready to get a six-pack, I will go into beast zone and work my a– off until I have it, But right now, my little FUPA and I feel like we are meant to be. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). * I’ve been through hell and back, and I’m grateful for every scar, I look at the woman I was in my 20s and I see a young lady growing into confidence but intent on pleasing everyone around her. I now feel so much more beautiful, so much sexier, so much more interesting. And so much more powerful. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). *I’ve spent so many years trying to better myself and improve whatever I’ve done that I’m at a point where I no longer need to compete with myself. I have no interest in searching backwards. The past is the past. I feel many aspects of that younger, less evolved Beyoncé could never f*** with the woman I am today. Haaa! **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *In the past, I spent too much time on diets, with the misconception that self-care meant exercising and being overly conscious of my body. My health, the way I feel when I wake up in the morning, my peace of mind, the number of times I smile, what I’m feeding my mind and my body—those are the things that I’ve been focusing on. Mental health is self-care too. **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *“I want to show that you can have fun and have purpose, be respectful and speak your mind. You can be both elegant and a provocateur. You can be curvy and still be a fashion icon. I wish this freedom for every person. I have paid my dues and followed every rule for decades, so now I can break the rules that need to be broken. My wish for the future is to continue to do everything everyone thinks I can’t do. **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *One of my most satisfying moments as a mom is when I found Blue one day soaking in the bath with her eyes closed, using blends I created and taking time for herself to decompress and be at peace. **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *I have made an extreme effort to stay true to my boundaries and protect myself and my family. No amount of money is worth my peace. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). *I try to only tour when my kids are out of school. I always dreamt of a life where I could see the world with my family and expose them to different languages, architecture and lifestyles. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). *Raising three kids isn't easy. The older they get, the more they become their own individuals with unique needs, hobbies and social lives, My twins are God-sent. Parenting constantly teaches you about yourself. It takes a lot of prayer and patience. I love it. It's grounding and fulfilling. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). *They come to my office after school, and they are in the studio with me. They are in dance rehearsals. It's natural that they would learn my choreography. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). ==Quotes about Beyoncé== *(In one of your essays in the book, from 2012, you write about Beyoncé and Jennifer Lopez and say they are "[d]oing no more than supporting and promoting patriarchal and capitalist goals." Do you still feel this way about them, even as they—Beyoncé especially—are often held up as feminist icons?) AC: I do, but I know that I would have a lot of women of color of younger generations argue with me about that. I come from a generation of radical feminism; we believed in not using your body for financial gain and that sexualization fed into violence against women. I know that dates me. The performances that both Jennifer Lopez and Beyoncé give are highly sexually charged, and they've made a lot of money off of a lot of men by sexualizing themselves as exotic beauties. Both of them have dyed their hair blonde, straightened it, weaved it, which feeds into a fantasy about women and women of color. I come from a very different perspective, and I don't believe that anything in terms of personal gain or materialism is really helping the rest of the world. If you make that much money, instead of buying a humongous mansion, go back to your community and start community projects and talk to your legislators about changing some of the laws [that mean] young men of color who have felonies because [they dealt] drugs as teenagers can no longer integrate into society. Moving away from Beyoncé and J-Lo—I'm sure they do a lot of good deeds—I'm very lucky I have a roof over my head. I can eat healthy food, my children have coats in cold weather, they have an education. I don't think a human being needs much more beyond that. **[[Ana Castillo]] [https://www.vice.com/en/article/d7anqq/write-whats-tearing-at-your-heart-feminist-ana-castillo-on-writing-her-rape Interview] with Vice (May 2016) *Someone else asks Davis if Beyoncé is a terrorist. The audience giggles, but the question is serious. During a panel discussion on liberating the Black female body earlier this year, feminist activist [[bell hooks]] described Beyoncé as a terrorist and antifeminist who was "colluding in the construction of herself as a slave." In an emollient reply, Davis said that she liked the fact that Beyoncé had sampled Nigerian novelist [[Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie]]'s speech on feminism on her album. The following day, I ask Davis more about it. "Whatever problems I have with Beyoncé, I think it is so misleading and irresponsible to use that word in connection with her. It has been used to criminalize struggles for liberation. But we don't use the words terror and terrorism to describe US history and the racism of the pre-civil rights era." **2014 article in ''Conversations with [[Angela Davis]]'' Edited by Sharon Lynette Jones (2021) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{commons}} [[Category:Actresses from Houston]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Music producers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesswomen from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Fashion designers from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:1981 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from Houston]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:Members of the Democratic Party (United States)]] [[Category:Brit Award winners]] [[Category:NME Awards winners]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] 2yzshtm9jx13t12l31t7dwlwu47wfro 3944445 3944370 2026-05-23T11:55:42Z GrimRob 1187925 /* See also */ 3944445 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Beyoncé at The Lion King European Premiere 2019.png|thumb|Beyoncé at ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' premiere in 2019]] '''[[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter]]''' (born [[September 4]], [[1981]]) is an [[American]] [[singer]], [[songwriter]], and [[actress]]. == Quotes == * After having my daughter, I made a conscious effort to regain control of my health and my body. But I didn't want to do a crash diet. I was a mom now. I needed to change my ways and set an example for my child. … A year later (around November 2013), my husband and I decided we wanted to try a [[veganism|completely plant-based]] diet … And so the journey began that helped me get into the best shape of my life. Little did I know the long-lasting effects it would have. I thought, like with most diets, I would feel deprived and hate food, that I would miss out on restaurants and celebrations, that I would get headaches and be irritable, etc. I was wrong about all of that. It took a few days to adjust, but what I discovered was increased energy, better sleep, weight loss, improved digestion, clarity, and an incredibly positive feeling for my actions and the effects it would have on those around me and the environment. ** [https://books.google.it/books?id=KfeoBAAAQBAJ&pg=PP10 Foreword] to Marco Borges's ''The 22-Day Revolution'', New York: Penguin, 2015 * We have to care about our bodies and what we put in them. Women have to take the time to focus on our mental health—take time for self, for the spiritual, without feeling guilty or selfish. The world will see you the way you see you, and treat you the way you treat yourself. ** [http://www.elle.com/fashion/a35286/beyonce-elle-cover-photos "Beyoncé Wants to Change the Conversation", interview with ''Elle'' (4 April 2016)] * Anyone who perceives my message as anti-[[police]] is completely mistaken. I have so much admiration and respect for officers and the families of officers who sacrifice themselves to keep us safe. But let's be clear: I am against police brutality and injustice. Those are two separate things. ** [https://time.com/4282452/beyonce-anyone-who-perceives-my-message-as-anti-police-is-completely-mistaken/ "Beyoncé: 'Anyone Who Perceives My Message as Anti-Police Is Completely Mistaken'"]. ''Time''. 5 April 2016. * I'm not bossy. I'm the boss. ** [https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/beyonce-wants-you-to-stop-saying-bossy-203689/ "Beyoncé wants you to stop saying bossy'"]. ''Rolling Stone''. 10 March 2014. *“I just wanna encourage people to do what they’re passionate about and to stay persistent.” **[https://www.elle.com/culture/celebrities/a63562668/beyonce-speech-grammys-2025-transcript/? Beyoncé Is Shocked to Win the Grammy for Best Country Album With ''Cowboy Carter''] ELLE ( Feb 02, 2025) *“Rumi, who’s on the album, our youngest daughter, she was watching [at home], and I forgot to thank her so I get to thank her now. Thank you, Rumi.” **[https://ew.com/beyonce-thanks-daughter-rumi-after-forgetting-her-in-2025-grammys-speech-8785108? Beyoncé thanks daughter Rumi after forgetting her in Grammys speech for Album of the Year] EWE.COM( February 3, 2025) *“When I look out there, I see myself.” **[https://www.houstonchronicle.com/entertainment/music/article/beyonce-cowboy-carter-emotional-message-hometown-20399058.php? 'When I look out there, I see myself': Beyoncé kicks off Houston concert with an emotional thank you] Houston chronicle (June 28, 2025) *“I’d like to thank my beautiful husband, my beautiful three children who are at home watching.” **[https://www.out.com/gay-music/beyonce-thanks-her-uncle-johnny-queer-community-during-grammy-speech? Beyoncé Thanks Her Uncle Johnny & Queer Community During Grammy Speech] Out magazine (February 05 2023) *“Thank you so much. I’m trying not to be too emotional, and I’m trying to just receive this night.” **[https://www.out.com/gay-music/beyonce-thanks-her-uncle-johnny-queer-community-during-grammy-speech? Beyoncé Thanks Her Uncle Johnny & Queer Community During Grammy Speech] out.com (February 05 2023) === Remarks at a rally for the Kamala Harris presidential campaign (2024) === [[File:Constitution & Liberty Enlightening the World.jpg|thumb|Our [[voices]] sing a chorus of [[unity]]. They sing a song of [[dignity]] and [[opportunity]]. Are y’all ready to add your voice to the new [[American]] [[song]]?]] :<small>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iF-jeVAoT24 'I'm here as a mother': Beyoncé endorses Kamala Harris in emotional Texas rally speech"''MSNBC'' (24 October 2024)] </small> * We are at the precipice of an incredible shift, the brink of history. I’m not here as a celebrity. I’m not here as a politician. I’m here as a mother. A mother who cares deeply about the world my children and all of our children live in. A world where we have the freedom to control our bodies. A world where we’re not divided. Our past, our present, our future, merge to meet us here. * It’s [[time]] to sing a new [[song]]. A song that began 248 years ago. The old notes of downfall, [[discord]], [[despair]], no longer resonate. Our generations of loved ones before us are whispering a [[prophecy]], a quest, a calling, an anthem. Our [[moment]] right [[now]]. It’s time for [[America]] to sing a new song. <br /> Our [[voices]] sing a chorus of [[unity]]. They sing a song of [[dignity]] and [[opportunity]]. Are y’all ready to add your voice to the new American song? Because I am. ''So let’s do this!'' * After the birth of my first child, I believed in the things society said about how my body should look. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). * During my recovery, I gave myself self-love and self-care, and I embraced being curvier. I accepted what my body wanted to be, To this day my arms, shoulders, breasts, and thighs are fuller. I have a little mommy pouch, and I’m in no rush to get rid of it. I think it’s real. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). * Whenever I’m ready to get a six-pack, I will go into beast zone and work my a– off until I have it, But right now, my little FUPA and I feel like we are meant to be. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). * I’ve been through hell and back, and I’m grateful for every scar, I look at the woman I was in my 20s and I see a young lady growing into confidence but intent on pleasing everyone around her. I now feel so much more beautiful, so much sexier, so much more interesting. And so much more powerful. ** [https://time.com/5358618/beyonce-vogue-interview/?utm Beyoncé Talks About Accepting the Way Her Body Wanted to Be] Time (August 6, 2018). *I’ve spent so many years trying to better myself and improve whatever I’ve done that I’m at a point where I no longer need to compete with myself. I have no interest in searching backwards. The past is the past. I feel many aspects of that younger, less evolved Beyoncé could never f*** with the woman I am today. Haaa! **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *In the past, I spent too much time on diets, with the misconception that self-care meant exercising and being overly conscious of my body. My health, the way I feel when I wake up in the morning, my peace of mind, the number of times I smile, what I’m feeding my mind and my body—those are the things that I’ve been focusing on. Mental health is self-care too. **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *“I want to show that you can have fun and have purpose, be respectful and speak your mind. You can be both elegant and a provocateur. You can be curvy and still be a fashion icon. I wish this freedom for every person. I have paid my dues and followed every rule for decades, so now I can break the rules that need to be broken. My wish for the future is to continue to do everything everyone thinks I can’t do. **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *One of my most satisfying moments as a mom is when I found Blue one day soaking in the bath with her eyes closed, using blends I created and taking time for herself to decompress and be at peace. **[https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2021/08/10622690/beyonce-quotes-harpers-bazaar-september-2021?utm Beyoncé Talks Dangers of Dieting, Protecting Her Peace And Minding Her Business In New Interview] Refinery29 (August 10, 2021). *I have made an extreme effort to stay true to my boundaries and protect myself and my family. No amount of money is worth my peace. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). *I try to only tour when my kids are out of school. I always dreamt of a life where I could see the world with my family and expose them to different languages, architecture and lifestyles. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). *Raising three kids isn't easy. The older they get, the more they become their own individuals with unique needs, hobbies and social lives, My twins are God-sent. Parenting constantly teaches you about yourself. It takes a lot of prayer and patience. I love it. It's grounding and fulfilling. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). *They come to my office after school, and they are in the studio with me. They are in dance rehearsals. It's natural that they would learn my choreography. **[https://people.com/beyonce-says-she-builds-her-work-schedule-around-my-family-8709520?utm Beyoncé Says She Builds Her Work Schedule 'Around My Family': 'No Amount of Money Is Worth My Peace'] People (September 10, 2024). ==Quotes about Beyoncé== *(In one of your essays in the book, from 2012, you write about Beyoncé and Jennifer Lopez and say they are "[d]oing no more than supporting and promoting patriarchal and capitalist goals." Do you still feel this way about them, even as they—Beyoncé especially—are often held up as feminist icons?) AC: I do, but I know that I would have a lot of women of color of younger generations argue with me about that. I come from a generation of radical feminism; we believed in not using your body for financial gain and that sexualization fed into violence against women. I know that dates me. The performances that both Jennifer Lopez and Beyoncé give are highly sexually charged, and they've made a lot of money off of a lot of men by sexualizing themselves as exotic beauties. Both of them have dyed their hair blonde, straightened it, weaved it, which feeds into a fantasy about women and women of color. I come from a very different perspective, and I don't believe that anything in terms of personal gain or materialism is really helping the rest of the world. If you make that much money, instead of buying a humongous mansion, go back to your community and start community projects and talk to your legislators about changing some of the laws [that mean] young men of color who have felonies because [they dealt] drugs as teenagers can no longer integrate into society. Moving away from Beyoncé and J-Lo—I'm sure they do a lot of good deeds—I'm very lucky I have a roof over my head. I can eat healthy food, my children have coats in cold weather, they have an education. I don't think a human being needs much more beyond that. **[[Ana Castillo]] [https://www.vice.com/en/article/d7anqq/write-whats-tearing-at-your-heart-feminist-ana-castillo-on-writing-her-rape Interview] with Vice (May 2016) *Someone else asks Davis if Beyoncé is a terrorist. The audience giggles, but the question is serious. During a panel discussion on liberating the Black female body earlier this year, feminist activist [[bell hooks]] described Beyoncé as a terrorist and antifeminist who was "colluding in the construction of herself as a slave." In an emollient reply, Davis said that she liked the fact that Beyoncé had sampled Nigerian novelist [[Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie]]'s speech on feminism on her album. The following day, I ask Davis more about it. "Whatever problems I have with Beyoncé, I think it is so misleading and irresponsible to use that word in connection with her. It has been used to criminalize struggles for liberation. But we don't use the words terror and terrorism to describe US history and the racism of the pre-civil rights era." **2014 article in ''Conversations with [[Angela Davis]]'' Edited by Sharon Lynette Jones (2021) ==See also== * [[Life Is But a Dream (film)]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{commons}} [[Category:Actresses from Houston]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Music producers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesswomen from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Fashion designers from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:1981 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from Houston]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:Members of the Democratic Party (United States)]] [[Category:Brit Award winners]] [[Category:NME Awards winners]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] ad3bdoa0wuvcvpzrq51yfv8537oj4j7 0 198370 3944242 3924736 2026-05-22T18:33:16Z ~2026-30737-16 3327455 /* Petey IV */ 3944242 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{Family Guy header}} '''''[[Family Guy]]''''' is an animated television series created by [[w:Seth MacFarlane|Seth MacFarlane]] for [[w:Fox Broadcasting Company|FOX]] in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on [[w:Adult Swim|Adult Swim]], production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005. :''Please read [[Family Guy/Format]] for notes on how to use and edit this article.'' ===''[[w:Emmy-Winning Episode|Emmy-Winning Episode]]''=== :'''Peter''': ''[[Family Guy]]'' has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it. :'''Brian''': Well, I'm not making another episode with ''[[The Simpsons]]''. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for ''The Simpsons''. :'''Peter''': Yeah. ''[reads newspapers]'' ''Simpsons'' plays down to competition, ''Simpsons'' step into the sewer, shame on you, ''Simpsons''. ''[jealous]'' Those lucky bastards. <hr width=50%> :''[Stewie and Brian play the roles of Mitch and Cameron from ''[[Modern Family]]'']'' :'''Stewie''': I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it. :'''Brian''': ''[correcting him]'' The fat woman. :'''Stewie''': He hasn't chopped it off yet. :'''Brian''': That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman. :'''Stewie''': And on Karaoke night, I identify as [[w:George Michael|George Michael]]. That doesn't mean it's true. ===''[[w:Foxx in the Men House|Foxx in the Men House]]''=== :''[Peter goes to the bathrooms at the Chinese restaurant, but doesn't understand the themed gender labels]'' :'''Peter''': Huh, samurai or geishas ... Which one am I? I'll just wait 'til somebody else goes in. ''[two Asian people with unidentifiable genders go into both bathrooms]'' Well, that wasn't helpful. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': Look, this-- this right here-- is exactly why I've been avoiding you. I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker. :'''Quagmire''': Who cares? He's just some dude. :'''Peter''': He's not just some dude. He happens to be the cool friend I've ever had! :'''Quagmire''': What are you talking about? We're cool. :'''Peter''': You are not cool. :'''Lois''': Oh, yeah? Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, "Cool wheelchair, dick"? :'''Quagmire''': Hey, look, Peter if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers, well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either! :'''Peter''': Good! Who needs you bums? I got Stryker! :'''Quagmire''': Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk! <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': They also make wipes! ===''[[w:Nanny Goats|Nanny Goats]]''=== :'''Stewie''': Okay, Natalia, level with me. Why are you really here? :'''Natalia''': I have been sent to neutralize liberal jewish dissident Fievel Mousekewitz. :'''Stewie''': Oh. Well, the only mouse in this neighborhood is our innocent neighbor, Frank Maxwell. :''[Frank walks out of tiny door next to the Griffins' door]'' :'''Natalia''': Comrade Mousekewitz! Did you think you could run forever? :'''Frank''': I, uh, I think you've got the wrong mouse. I'm just regular old Frank Maxwell, and I'm very late for work! Good day, ma'am. :''[Frank gets in his car, which explodes]'' :'''Stewie''': Whoa! You killed him? :'''Natalia''': That was not me. Someone else got to him first. :''[camera pans to [[w:Mickey Mouse|Mickey Mouse]], smoking behind a corner]'' :'''Mickey''': ''[stomping out cigarette]'' Tough break, Jew mouse. Ha-ha! :''[cut to Peter in a suit reading a book]'' :'''Peter''': Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Under parody law, in order to use someone else's character in an unlicensed fashion, we have to provide something called "commentary." The commentary here is that Mickey Mouse hates Jews. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter gets a message on his phone]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, boy. Amber alert. Stewie was last seen with a goat in a 98 Toyota Tercel, heading north on I-95. :'''Carter''': How do you turn those off, by the way? ===''[[w:Follow the Money|Follow the Money]]''=== :'''Chris''': Grandpa only gave me a dollar? :'''Peter''': Chris, you write him a thank you note. That will is still wide open. <hr width=50%> :'''Drive-Thru Guy''': Welcome to McBurgertown, what can I get for you today? :'''Peter''': Hmm, what's the easiest thing to eat in the car? I'll have the huevos rancheros and an orange soda without the cap. ===''[[w:Three Directors|Three Directors]]''=== :'''Peter''': Hi there, it's me, Peter. You know, when it comes to making dreams come alive, there used to be nothing like the movies. So we thought it would be fun to ask a few visionary Hollywood directors to create his...let's be honest, HIS, own unique version of the same ''Family Guy'' story, "Peter Gets Fired". Of the countless directors we contacted, three did not say "no" immediately. ===''[[w:The D in Apartment 23|The D in Apartment 23]]''=== :''[Brian tries to apologize for his extremely racist tweet to an offended angry mob]'' :'''Brian''': Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin. :'''Quagmire''': ''[offscreen]'' Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo. :'''Brian''': I want to read a few words. :'''Quagmire''': Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo. :'''Brian''': Anyway, I want to... :'''Quagmire''': ''[still cuts off Brian]'' Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo. :'''Brian''': Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize... :'''Offended Man''': Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist! :'''Brian''': It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies... :'''Offended Woman''': Ooh, says the man! :'''Brian''': Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience... :'''Offended Basketball''': I identify as a basketball! :'''Brian''': Humans and basketballs... :'''Offended Parrot''': I'm a parrot who mimics, but doesn't comprehend them! :'''Brian''': Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there... :'''Offended Woman''': "Whatever"? It's whoever. :'''Other Offended Woman''': Actually, it's whomever. :'''Offended Woman''' No one likes you, Mary! :''[Everyone continues clamoring]'' :'''Brian''': All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay? :''[Everyone stops clamoring]'' :'''Offended Woman''': Now you're tone policing us! :'''Offended Man''': That makes me uncomfortable! Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal! :'''Brian''': ''[when no one lets him apologize]'' You know what? ''[crumples up and throws his apology away]'' Fuck you! ''[everyone gasps in horror]'' I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh?! Do you wanna ruin my life?! Then congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me... :'''Stewie''': ''[from inside the house; offscreen]'' That was a problem before. :'''Brian''': I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! '''LEAVE ME ALONE!''' <big>'''''I'M'' THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE! HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL?! I AM SO FAR LEFT, I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!'''</big> :'''Mob Man''': I'd like to see you try. :''[In slow-motion, the man approaches Brian, and punches him in the nose]'' :'''Brian''': Ow! Geez... ''[he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff]'' Well, we started the dialogue. :'''Lois''': You screamed: "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children. ===''[[w:Petey IV|Petey IV]]''=== :''[Peter is with [[w:Vladimir Putin|Vladimir Putin]] in Russia and is bored. He suggests watching TV.]'' :'''Peter''': So what do you do for fun around here? You got DirecTV? :'''Putin''': We have Time Warner. :'''Peter''': You got HBO? :'''Putin''': We have Starz. :'''Peter''': You got ESPN? :'''Putin''': We have Fox Sports 1. :'''Peter''': Does that come in HD? :'''Putin''': 420P. :'''Peter''': You got--? :'''Putin''': Everything you say, I say something a little bit worse. :''[Peter thinks for a second, then asks one final question.]'' :'''Peter''': You got ''Simpsons''? :'''Putin''': We have ''Family Guy''. ===''[[w:Crimes and Meg's Demeanor|Crimes and Meg's Demeanor]]''=== :'''Lois''': [enters Brian's shared hospital room] Oh my God Brian, are you okay? :'''Brian''': Yeah, I'm fine. :'''Lois''': [to Brian's roommate] Annie, are you okay? So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? :'''Chris''': What happened to her? :'''Lois''': She was hit by...uh, she was struck by a smooth criminal. :'''Chris''': That was fun mom. We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together. <hr width=50%> :'''Lois''': And Meg, I hope you learned your lesson about drinking. :'''Meg''': Yeah. I think I'd rather live my life as a loser than feel bad once in a while. :'''Lois''': Well, I hope you know that you're our loser. :'''Meg''': Thanks, Mom. ===''[[w:Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas|Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas]]''=== :'''Chris''': First, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights. <hr width=50%> :''[Peter discovers that an aging Brian is sleeping on his grave site]'' :'''Peter''': Oh, my God! I'm dead! How?! :'''[[w:Patrick Swayze|Patrick Swayze]]''': You died from a fire started by your MILF on a shelf. ===''[[w:Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)|Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)]]''=== ===''[[w:Dog Bites Bear|Dog Bites Bear]]''=== :''[Peter is [[Sesame Street|skipping down the road to the store while urban music plays]]] :'''Peter''': A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. A loaf of milk, a container of bread, and a [[Joe Dirt]] DVD. A Joe Dirt DVD, [[Scarlett Johansson]], and treasure from a fish tank. <hr width=50%> :'''Peter''': ''[after shaking hands with the [[w:Boo Berry|Boo Berry]] mascot at the store]'' I've been touched by greatness! I am '''never''' washing this hand again! This is the best thing to happen to me since I became a [[Deadpool|wise-cracking, fourth-wall-breaking superhero!]] ''[cutaway to Peter on a highway, dressed in a blood-red mercenary outfit]'' Call me "Redstool." The treatment didn't give me powers, but it did spread cancer to my anus. :''[Redstool [[Deadpool (film)|engages in a gory fight with some thugs with guns]] while a song to the tune of "[[w:Angel of the Morning|Angel of the Morning]]" plays]'' :'''Singer''': Just call me anus of the morning, anus/Just touch my cheek before you leave me, anus/This violence juxtaposed to music, anus/Decapitation in slow-motion, anus ===''[[w:Send in Stewie, Please|Send in Stewie, Please]]''=== :''[Stewie makes a long-winded description of Dr. Pritchfield, proving to know a lot about him]'' :'''Stewie''': See? I guess we do know each other a bit. :'''Pritchfield''': You seem like a very lonely little boy. :'''Stewie''': ''[in tears]'' Oh my God, I am! I'm so lonely! ''[cries]'' You can see inside my soul! ===''[[w:V is for Mystery|V is for Mystery]]''=== :'''Watson''': Holmes, there's something I have to tell you. I'm getting... :'''Holmes''': ''[cutting him off]'' I deduce, Watson, that you're getting married! :'''Watson''': I just said that. :'''Holmes''': Yes, but I had deduced it first. <hr width=50%> :'''Watson''': He's got a gun! Look out, Stew ... Holmes! God, this is gonna be so annoying. ===''[[w:Veteran Guy|Veteran Guy]]''=== :'''Man''': ''[reads Peter's hat] ''USS Nathan James? :''[Peter salutes him]'' :'''Peter''': Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir. :'''Man''': The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on TNT's ''The Last Ship'', starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims. :''[pause]'' :'''Man''': ...and Man. :'''Cleveland''': Uh-oh. ===''[[w:The Woof of Wall Street|The Woof of Wall Street]]''=== :''[The guys offer to watch the Drunken Clam after Jerome has to take care of her mother on [[w:Long Island|Long Island]] for a month.]'' :'''Jerome''': You guys would look after this place for me? :'''Peter''': Of course, running a bar has always been my dream! Well, that, and waking up a rooster. ''[Cuts to Peter slowly sneaking up on a rooster sleeping on a fence]'' AARRRGH! ''[The rooster wakes up and falls off of the fence.]'' Enjoy the rest of your Saturday. <hr width=50%> :''[Brian is in a cage waiting to be killed and made into a protein shake. He hopes to be put down peacefully, but is frightened to see [[w:Michael Vick|Michael Vick]] walk into the room where the dogs are murdered.]'' :'''Crowd Voiceover''': Vick! :''[Brian becomes more afraid when [[Eli Manning]] follows Vick.]'' :'''Crowd Voiceover''': And Eli Manning! :'''Brian''': I didn’t know that about you. :'''Eli Manning''': Oh yeah, I’m a real idiot psychopath. :'''Closed Captioning''': ''[On the bottom of the screen]'' This isn’t true, but Patriots fans write this show. ===''[[w:Family Guy Through the Years|Family Guy Through the Years]]''=== :'''Peter''': For 60 years, Sunday has meant God, football, and ''[[Family Guy]]'', and later, to a lesser degree, ''[[The Simpsons]]''. ===''[[w:Switch the Flip|Switch the Flip]]''=== :'''Tricia Takanawa''': ''[in Ollie Williams's body]'' I'm standing here for some reason doing the weather in a giant black man's body. What kind of a Friday is this? :'''Ollie Williams''': ''[in Tricia's body]'' FREAKY! :'''Tricia Takanawa''': Back to you, Tom. :'''Herbert''': ''[in Tom Tucker's body]'' This just in: all kids report to the blue van in the park at 3 pm for free popsicles! <hr width=50%/> :''[Brian is climbing to the cell phone tower with the body swapper strapped to his back]'' :'''Stewie''': Brian, hurry! :'''Brian''': Stewie, I'm in Chris' body. I'm dragging 230 pounds of lard up a ladder. :'''Chris''': I'm 215, you liberal dickweed! ===''[[w:HTTPete|HTTPete]]''=== :'''Hammer''': Remember, Peter. Never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead. :'''Peter''': What's that? Sorry, I was too busy taking a selfie while shooting a Snapchat while periscoping that Snapchat while Instagramming latte art while Shazaming the Weeknd while streaming ''Master of None'' retweeting George Takei while saying, "This wins the Internet!" while still being #sooobored. Hammer? Hammer? Come on, man. Don't make me look up from my phone. <hr width=50%> :'''TV announcer''': And now back to [[w:Marvel Studios|Marvel]]'s ''[[w:The Avengers (2012 film)|The Offenders]]''. :'''[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]''': ''(dressed as [[w:Nick Fury (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Nick Fury]])'' Good morning, ya see. I gathered you all here together: [[w:Kevin Spacey|Kevin Spacey]], [[w:Roman Polanski|Roman Polanski]]- hey, hey, hey- [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]], [[w:Steven Seagal|Steven Seagal]], [[w:Matt Lauer|Matt Lauer]], with the pudding pop... ''[Lauer poses at Cosby]'' [[w:Brett Ratner|Brett Ratner]], and you, lesser-known offender [[w:James Toback|James Toback]]. :'''[[w:Harvey Weinstein|Harvey Weinstein]]''': ''[in a Hulk-like voice, lumbering in wearing a barely-covering bathrobe]'' '''''Don't forget me!''''' Harvey shower. :'''Woody Allen''': Uh, I...is [[w:Matt Damon|Matt Damon]] coming? :'''Bill Cosby''': No, but he knows about all of us. He's... very aware of what's goin' on here, ya see. Harvey Weinstein masturbated in front of Genevieve Buechner on the set of Lifetime's UnREAL and stuck his dick in Genevieve Buechner's belly button. ===''[[w:The Unkindest Cut|The Unkindest Cut]]''=== :'''Quagmire''': I can't believe it. This is horrible. What am I gonna do? ===''[[w:Are You There God? It's Me, Peter|Are You There God? It's Me, Peter]]''=== :''[Peter prepares to meet his end and says goodbye to the family]'' :'''Peter''': If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy. :'''Lois''': Ok. :'''Peter''': And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment. :'''Meg''': ''[sarcastically]'' Thanks, Dad. :'''Peter''': And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink. :'''Stewie''': Is anyone gonna stop him? :'''Peter''': And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one. :'''Brian''': What about me? :'''Peter''': You're a dog. :'''Lois''': [offscreen] Well, I’m good. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Family Guy}} [[Category:Family Guy seasons]] asddvb2j2azg3zp3vn28ffwjm4say23 0 200808 3944407 3921157 2026-05-23T07:33:36Z EarthDude 3228931 Using an image of the subject himself 3944407 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Deendayal Upadhyaya 2018 stamp of India.jpg|thumb|right|With the support of Universal knowledge and our heritage, we shall create a Bharat which will excel all its past glories, and will enable every citizen in its fold to steadily progress in the development of his manifold latent possibilities and to achieve through a sense of unity with the entire creation, a state even higher than that of a complete human being; to become Narayan from nar (man). This is the external divine form of our culture. This is our message to humanity at a cross roads. May God give us strength to succeed in this mission. ~ Deendayal Upadhyaya]] '''[[w:Deendayal Upadhyaya|Deendayal Upadhyaya]]''' (September 25, 1916 - February 11, 1968), along with [[Syama Prasad Mookerjee|Dr. Syama Prasad Mookerjee]], was an important leader of the Bharatiya Jana Sangh, now the [[w:Bharatiya Janata Party|Bharatiya Janata Party]]. ==Quotes== *A monotonous life, lived without any purpose or direction, is not worth much. To achieve anything big in life, you should be prepared to risk your all and take a leap of faith for whatever they believed in. **'Dao lagaao zindagi pe’ (put a stake on your life), Deendayalji’s article, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) *God has blessed our family with some means. Can we not offer at least one of our members for the service of the nation? Having provided me with education, moral instruction and all sorts of qualifications, can you not turn me over to the Samaj (society), to which we owe so much? This will hardly be any kind of sacrifice, it will rather be an investment. It is like providing the farm of the Samaj with manure. We are nowadays interested only in reaping the harvest and have forgotten to provide the field with manure. There is thus the danger of our land becoming barren and unproductive. Can we not forgo a few worthless ambitions for the protection and benefit of a Samaj and a faith, for which Rama suffered exile, Krishna bore innumerable hardships, Rana Pratap wandered about from forest to forest, Shivaji staked his all, and Guru Govind Singh allowed his little sons to be buried alive? **Letter to his uncle in 1942, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) *It is an irony of the country’s political situation that while untouchability in the social field is considered to be evil, it is sometimes extolled as a virtue in the political field. If a party does not wish to practise untouchability towards its rivals in the political establishment, it is supposed to be doing something wrong. We, in the Jana Sangh, certainly do not agree with the communists’ strategy, tactics and their political culture. But that does not justify an attitude of untouchability towards them. If they are willing to work with us on the basis of issues, or as part of a government committed to an agreed programme, I see nothing wrong in it…. These (SVD) governments are a step towards ending political untouchability. The spirit of accommodation shown by all parties, despite their sharp differences, is a good omen for democracy.’ **Deendayalji’s speech at the Calicut session of the Jana Sangh, 1967., quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) *Large-scale riots in East Pakistan have compelled over two lakh Hindus and other minorities to come over to India. Indians naturally feel incensed by the happenings in East Bengal. To bring the situation under control and to prescribe the right remedy for the situation it is essential that the malady be properly diagnosed. And even in this state of mental agony, the basic values of our national life must never be forgotten. It is our firm conviction that guaranteeing the protection of the life and property of Hindus and other minorities in Pakistan is the responsibility of the Government of India. To take a nice legalistic view about the matter that Hindus in Pakistan are Pakistani nationals would be dangerous and can only result in killings and reprisals in the two countries, in greater or lesser measure. When the Government of India fails to fulfill this obligation towards the minorities in Pakistan, the people understandably become indignant. Our appeal to the people is that this indignation should be directed against the Government and should in no case be given vent to against the Indian Muslims. If the latter thing happens, it only provides the Government with a cloak to cover its own inertia and failure, and an opportunity to malign the people and repress them. So far as the Indian Muslims are concerned, it is our definite view that, like all other citizens, their life and property must be protected in all circumstances. No incident and no logic can justify any compromise with truth in this regard. A state, which cannot guarantee the right of living to its citizens, and citizens who cannot assure safety of their neighbours, would belong to the barbaric age. Freedom and security to every citizen irrespective of his faith has indeed been India’s sacred tradition. We would like to reassure every Indian Muslim in this regard and would wish this message to reach every Hindu home that it is their civic and national duty to ensure the fulfillment of this assurance. ** Joint statement for the Indo-Pak confederation that D Upadhyaya signed, on 12 April 1964, with Dr Lohia, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) *‘With the support of Universal knowledge and our heritage, we shall create a Bharat which will excel all its past glories, and will enable every citizen in its fold to steadily progress in the development of his manifold latent possibilities and to achieve through a sense of unity with the entire creation, a state even higher than that of a complete human being; to become Narayan from nar (man). This is the external divine form of our culture. This is our message to humanity at a cross roads. May God give us strength to succeed in this mission.’ **Deendayal Upadhyaya , Integral Humanism, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) *Politics is ultimately subservient to the interests of the nation. If we give up all thoughts of a nation’s basic identity, history, culture and traditions, of what use is that politics ?” ** Pandit Deendayal Upadhyaya, Quoted from Talreja, K. M. (2000). Holy Vedas and holy Bible: A comparative study. New Delhi: Rashtriya Chetana Sangathan. *Dharma is the repository of the nation’s soul. If Dharma is destroyed, the Nation perishes. Any one who abandons Dharma, betrays the nation…… Since Dharma is supreme, our ideal of the State has been Dharma Rajya…… What constitutes the good of the people, Dharma alone can decide. Therefore a democratic government Jana Rajya must also be rooted in Dharma i.e. a Dharma Rajya... Since in the West injustice and atrocities were perpetrated, bitter conflicts and battles were fought in the name of religion, all these were en bloc listed on the debit side of Dharma also. We feel that in the name of Dharma also battles were fought. However battles of religion and battles of Dharma are two different things. Religion means a creed or a sect, it does not mean Dharma. Dharma is very wide concept. It is concerned with all aspects of life. It sustains the society. Even further, it sustains the whole world. That which sustains is Dharma.” **Quoted from Talreja, K. M. (2000). Holy Vedas and holy Bible: A comparative study. New Delhi: Rashtriya Chetana Sangathan. *Muslim goondas may, at a single stroke, besmirch the honour and reputation of the highest citizens. ... Our sisters and daughters are carried away be the Muslims, they are victims of assaults by British soldiers in broad daylight. **Organiser, 14 Apr 1968 p9, Quoted in Jaffrelot, C. Hindu Nationalist movement in India. *We have grown over-dependent upon foreign aid in everything from thinking, management, capital, methods of production, technology, etc., to even the standards and forms of consumption. This is not the road to progress and development. We will forget our individuality and become virtual slaves once again. **—Deendayal Upadhyaya, thinker and forerunner of the Bharatiya Janata Party quoted from Malhotra, R. (2021). Artificial intelligence and the future of power: 5 battlegrounds. New Delhi : Rupa, 2021. *It will not be wise, however, to engage in a blind rat-race of consumption and production as if man is created for the sole purpose of consumption. **—Deendayal Upadhyaya, thinker and forerunner of the Bharatiya Janata Party quoted from Malhotra, R. (2021). Artificial intelligence and the future of power: 5 battlegrounds. New Delhi : Rupa, 2021. ==Quotes about Upadhyaya== *As I have expressed earlier, two people—Rajpal Puri and Pandit Deendayal Upadhyaya—exerted the deepest influence on my public life. **L.K. Advani, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) *If I could get two or three more Deendayals, I will change the entire political map of India.’ ** Dr Prasad Mookerjee, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) *'''India after Independence has produced few leaders who were also political philosophers. Deendayalji was one of the few, and the finest.''' **L.K. Advani, quoted in L.K. Advani, My Country My Life (2008) * It is not unheard of that when one political party replaces another, pages will be torn out of the old social studies textbooks if there is not enough time to replace the textbooks published under the previous political party's influence. This happened to an English language Reader in the Indian state of Rajasthan written in 1998 when there was a Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) government in charge of the state. The Course Reader for Class Twelve, with English essays included the writings of Mahatma Gandhi, R.S. Sharma, Jawaharlal Nehru, and controversially one by Deendayal Upadhyaya, chapter four. Democracy and Political Parties, beginning on page twenty-nine. Deendayal is held in high esteem by the BJP because he was instrumental in fouirdlng the party that led to the growth of the BJP. He was murdered mysteriously, but is considered an intellectual of the Sangh Parivar. When the Congress won back control of the state government in Rajasthan, they continued to use the same English reader the following year, but the essay by Deendayal was torn out and the title crossed out of the table of contents. The next essay My Life and Mission by Swami Vivekananda began at the bottom of the last page of the grammar and writing exercises following the Deendayal essay and the remaining questions were marked through several times with a blue pen. The Deendayal essay discussed the democratic process and was not about any particular political party. Though his essay was truly nonpartisan, his name was not wanted in a textbook published under the Congress party. When the Congress returned to power in that state they simply sliced out that chapter thereby using up the remaining textbooks before republishing them a practical, if political, solution. **Y Rosser Indoctrinating Minds: Politics of Education in Bangladesh. 2004 page25ff == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Upadhyaya, Deendayal}} [[Category:Hindu nationalists]] [[Category:Bharatiya Janata Party politicians]] [[Category:1916 births]] [[Category:1968 deaths]] lv2awnw9ekp5erxe7fhv56z92m6o2j0 0 202565 3944182 3941329 2026-05-22T13:41:31Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944182 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:DonFreeman.jpg|thumb|In 1968, [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]] created the children's picture book, Corduroy.]] '''''[[w:Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy the Bear]]''''', also known as simply '''''Corduroy''''', is a Canadian animated children's TV series based on [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]]'s 1968 children's book ''[[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]]'' and its 1978 follow-up ''[[w:A Pocket for Corduroy|A Pocket for Corduroy]]''. It originally aired for one season on Canadian [[w:TVOKids|TVOKids]] and U.S. [[w:PBS Kids|PBS Kids]]' ''[[w:PBS Kids Bookworm Bunch|Bookworm Bunch]]'' in 2000, before it got cancelled along with ''[[w:Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]''. The show consists of 26 10-minute stories, which were broadcast in pairs as 13 21-minute episodes. ==Episodes== ===Lost and Found / Going Up [1.1]=== :''[first lines of the series]'' :'''Lisa''': I'll read these books to you when we get home, okay, Corduroy? :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Okay. :'''Lisa''': I can carry it. :'''Lisa's Mom''': You sure now? :'''Lisa''': Uh-huh. :''[Lisa's Mom gives Lisa the blue bag with library books as they leave the library]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[After Lisa looses Corduroy on the subway train, Corduroy sits on the man's head]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' I must be lost. ''[the subway train is going far away from the station]'' Oh no, I must be going into a very deep tunnel. I'll be lost forever. :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy looks for Lisa]'' :'''Corduroy''': Lisa? Lisa? I don't want to be lost forever. ''[spots a women wearing a red shirt]'' Yeah! We can leave the tunnel and go... :''[The women turns to Corduroy and smiles happily at him]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[gasps; sadly]'' You're not Lisa. :''[Corduroy has a sad expression as he walks away from the women. Then the scene cuts back to realty]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' If I'm lost, What should I do to get found? If Lisa was here, She know what to do. <hr width=50% /> :''[while Lisa heads to the lost and found station, she believes that Corduroy wouldn't be here]'' :'''Lisa''': What if Corduroy's not there? ''[In Lisa's imagination, a responsible girl holds Corduroy]'' What if Corduroy's been found by a responsible girl with a bigger, nicer, knapsack? :''[Corduroy sits on the responsible girl's knapsack. Then the scene cuts back to realty]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[pants]'' Five more minutes before they close! :''[Lisa opens the door and sees children's lost toys]'' :'''Employer''': Hello. Can I help you? :'''Lisa''': ''[talking fast]'' My toy bear Corduroy, I left him behind in the subway car. Corduroy's my responsibility. I should have been keeping an eye on him. ''[sadly]'' But I was too... :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[arrives the lost and found station]'' We're looking for a brown bear dressed in green corduroy overalls. :'''Employer''': I'll have a look. :''[The employer went to find Corduroy. Lisa's Mom holds Lisa's shoulder as Lisa sighs sadly]'' :'''Employer''': I'm sorry. I don't see a (brown) bear with (green) corduroy overalls. Maybe you'd like to come back tomorrow. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy arrives to an elevator that is completely out of order]'' :'''Corduroy''': What does the sign say? :'''Lisa''': ''[reading the out of order sign]'' "Out of order. Please use stairs. We apologize for any in... incon..." :'''Pandro''': ''[helping Lisa with the spelling]'' "Inconvenience." :'''Lisa''': "We apologize for any inconvenience." :'''Pandro''': ''[chuckles]'' I am the one who should be sorry. :'''Lisa''': Sorry for what? :'''Pandro''': You're going to have to use the stairs, Lisa. We're doing a safely check on the elevator. :'''Lisa''': That's okay. See you, Pandro. ''[races down the stairs]'' ===Good Night Corduroy / Soap Flakes [1.2]=== :''[After finishing the book [[w:Tilly Witch|Tilly Witch]] the other book by [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]]]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[tries to request a second story]'' No. Another story? Please? :''[Lisa takes the book from Corduroy and is about to put it back on the bookshelf, even though Corduroy wants to read one more story before bedtime.]'' :'''Lisa''': Corduroy, we have to go to bed now. Okay? :'''Corduroy''': ''[still wanting one more story, and does not want to go to bed yet]'' I don't want to go to bed! :''[Lisa picks up Corduroy and puts him into his bear sized bed which is on Lisa's desk. Corduroy insists --and claims-- that he is older and should be older to stay up. That is, as he --Corduroy-- says...!]'' :'''Corduroy''': I'm older enough to stay up late! :''[And Lisa says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': Then you're older enough to turn off the light (if you are). :''[After Lisa has told Corduroy that if he is bigger to stay up late then he should be bigger to turn out the light, Corduroy tries to think it. He makes his choice whether himself or Lisa should turn it off. When he does not choose in time --by taking too long to think-- Lisa decides for him]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[makes the choice for Corduroy which is "Lisa"]'' Then I can turn out the light. With a tiny, little, click. :'''Corduroy''': Please don't turn off the light. :'''Lisa''': Why? :'''Corduroy''': Because...! Because...! Because I am going to read some more. :'''Lisa''': We will read that book tomorrow night. I promise. :''[Lisa means "no more bedtime stories until tomorrow". Then she does turn out the light]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa went to gets a glass of water for Corduroy after he shares the request to her of being thirsty. Lisa's Mom comes out of her bedroom and sees Lisa still up. Lisa is in the bathroom getting water. Lisa's Mom sees it and wonders why Lisa is still awake]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': You are still up? :'''Lisa''': I am just getting a drink of water, Mom. :'''Lisa's Mom''': Okay. But back to bed. :''[Lisa's Mom knows that Lisa has school tomorrow and therefore it has turned out to be a school night.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': It is a school day tomorrow. <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': Hi. :'''Lisa''': Corduroy? What are you doing out of bed? :'''Corduroy''': I wanted to make sure that you have turned off the tap so there is no more drip. :''[Corduroy, acting like Tilly the witch from the book [[w:Tilly Witch|Tilly Witch]] the bedtime story book he and Lisa were reading, says he wants to turn off the tap like Tilly. Then he goes over to the sink tap to turn it off like Tilly the witch]'' :'''Corduroy''': There. :''[Corduroy turns off the sink tap.]'' :'''Corduroy''': No more ''[mimicking the faucet dripping]'' drip, drip, dripping. :''[Lisa picks up Corduroy and adds her own line like from the said book after Corduroy says, "No more drip, drip, dripping". That is, as she --Lisa-- says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': And no more play, play, playing, Corduroy. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa sings to Corduroy a lullaby. The song she is singing is sung to the tune of "[[w:Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star|Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star]]". And it is her own version of said song.] :'''Lisa''': ''[singing]'' ♪ ''Listen Cordy, don't be scared.'' ♪'' :''♪ I'll make those nightmares disappear. ♪'' :''♪ We'll turn down the blankets. ♪'' :''♪ And we'll them down just right. ♪'' :''♪ Turn to each other and say ♪'' ''[yawns]'' :''♪ "Good night". ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': Good night, Lisa. ''[falls fast asleep]'' :'''Lisa''': Good night, Corduroy. :''[Lisa kisses Corduroy. Then she goes back to bed and turns off the light as the second episode's first half ends.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy and Buckaroo's imagination, they're both going on a snow ride in the [[w:North Pole|North Pole]]. The two "preschool child aged" toys pretend it by using the dust pan in the linen closet.]'' :'''Buckaroo''': ''♪ Snowflakes ♪'' :''♪ Riding through the snowflakes ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': Giddy up! :''[Buckaroo keeps riding through the snow. Buckaroo is pretending to be one of the horses at the North Pole. He and Corduroy are in their imagination that they are in the North Pole. The scene then cuts back into reality. Back in reality, Lisa comes home and looks into the messy linen closet caused by Corduroy and Buckaroo who are still playing in it pretending to play in the snow with the linen things. Then she --offscreen-- catches them. The scene soon cuts to her from the door to the linen closet.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' Corduroy, Buckaroo! :''[Lisa finds them playing in the linen closet with the linen things.]'' :'''Lisa''': What a mess! What happened? :''[Corduroy and Buckaroo stop playing. They then stare at Lisa and the mess with embarrassed smiles on their faces after what they were doing to the linen equipment to act out like they were at the North Pole.]'' :'''Corduroy and Buckaroo''': ''[trying to confess]'' Ummm…! Uh...! :'''Lisa''': ''[to Corduroy and Buckaroo about the mess they have made]'' (Well?) "Ummm…!", what? Come on, you two. Help me clean this up, (both of you). :''[Lisa picks up a paper roll.]'' :'''Lisa''': Boy, (it looks like) someone is going to be in big trouble. :''[When Lisa has said, "Someone is going to be in big trouble", it turns out that both Corduroy and Buckaroo are in trouble. Because they both indeed made the mess in the linen room.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[looks in the closet and lists what has to be done as Corduroy and Buckaroo were playing with the linen things and caused the mess]'' Bath towels need refolding, the toilet paper needs rerolling. :''[As Corduroy and Buckaroo are helping Lisa clean up the linen room as they've made the mess in the linen room, Buckaroo puts the towel back on the shelf and picks up the dust pan and hangs it back up. They also refold the bath towels, then reroll the toilet paper]'' :'''Buckaroo''': Tell Lisa that we made the mess. :'''Corduroy''': ''[is afraid to tell Lisa the truth]'' But she is going to get mad. :'''Buckaroo''': Ooh...! But we HAVE to tell her. :'''Lisa''': ''[putting the laundry soap into the laundry soap box]'' Come on, help me! Mom is going to be coming home any minute now. :'''Corduroy''': ''[whispers through Buckaroo's ear]'' What if we make up a story? :'''Buckaroo''': You mean lie? Oh, I don't know. That doesn't sound right. <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Why did Kit not chase after Rosetta? :'''Corduroy''': Uh-oh. :''[Rosetta --about the lie-- realizes she was tricked and blamed.]'' :'''Rosetta''': And what is this?! (None of this was Kit and I!) That cat, he NEVER chases me! :''[Corduroy was lying when he said that Kit and Rosetta made the mess in the linen room even though it was him and Buckaroo. He and Buckaroo were playing in it, then he fibbed about it. Therefore, Rosetta is telling the truth; really it was not her. Lisa --on the other hand-- believes Rosetta when Rosetta says it was not her and Kit who made the mess. But she becomes concerned about Corduroy's lie.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[confused]'' I don't get it. Corduroy told me. And...! :''[Lisa looks at Corduroy. She knows that he was lying even though it was him and Buckaroo who made that mess in the linen room.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Corduroy]'' Corduroy...?! :'''Corduroy''': ''[buries his face in his paws]'' I lied, Lisa! I did it. I messed up the closet! :'''Buckaroo''': I was there too. :'''Corduroy''': But it was my idea to lie, not Buckaroo's. :''[It turns out that the only person who was telling the truth was Rosetta.]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[to Lisa when she told her she was not in the linen room with Corduroy and Buckaroo]'' Well, I was not there (in the first place)! And I did not make any mess! :''[Rosetta turns to Corduroy and Buckaroo after Corduroy lied about her making the mess and after she was tricked and blamed.]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[to Corduroy]'' Shame on you! :''[Rosetta wheels herself away. She was telling the truth. But she gets away with it because it wasn't her who made the mess. Corduroy buries his face in his paws again. Lisa walks to Corduroy who is feeling quite guilty.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[takes Corduroy's paws off his eyes then has a word with Corduroy when he didn't tell the truth in the first place]'' Why didn't you tell me the truth when I asked? :''[Soon Lisa comforts Corduroy.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[sadly]'' I was scared you'd get mad at me. :'''Lisa''': But you made me think it was all Kit's fault, and that wasn't right. Things get worse if you don't tell the truth. :'''Corduroy''': ''[apologizing to Lisa about the lie he told]'' I'm sorry, Lisa. :'''Lisa''': You must be saying sorry to Kit, not me. <hr width=50% /> :''[Kit watches the rain while Corduroy put the cat dish to the kitchen]'' :'''Corduroy''': Sorry I got you into trouble, Kit. ''[Kit has a happy expression]'' I'd be mad at me too. :''[Corduroy walks away sadly as Kit follows him]'' :'''Corduroy''': I'm sorry, I'll never lie about anything again. Promise. :''[Corduroy and Kit walk to the sofa]'' :'''Corduroy''': Tomorrow we'll go exploring. Or hide and seek is good. We could draw or maybe walk around the neighborhood. Or we could just sit and... ''[yawns]'' ...think. :''[Corduroy falls fast asleep. Lisa watches Corduroy and Kit sleep on the sofa as the episode ends]'' ===Ice Dream / Special Delivery [1.3]=== :''[In Lisa's room, Lisa and Corduroy are folding sheets while finishing their chores]'' :'''Lisa''': Just a few more, Corduroy. And all our chores will be finished. ''[puts a purple sheet among with other sheet who already been folded]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[jumps up and down on Lisa's bed]'' What's a chore? ''[Lisa picks up a white sheet]'' Whee! :'''Lisa''': ''[explains to Corduroy what does a chore do]'' Work. :'''Corduroy''': But is this work? :'''Lisa''': Kind of. But it doesn't have to be. :''[Corduroy stops jumping on Lisa's bed as Lisa puts the white sheet down]'' :'''Lisa''': Get on. :''[Corduroy sits down on the white sheet. Lisa grabs both sides of the sheet and use it as a trampoline so Corduroy can have more fun jumping]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[giggling; while bouncing on the white sheet as it pretends to be a trampoline]'' This must be a trampoline. I've always wanted to jump on a trampoline. :''[Lisa and Corduroy begin to laugh for joy]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy walks past a sign that leads to the North Pole]'' :'''Corduroy''': The North Pole must be very cold or else all this ice cream will melt. ''[sees the giant ice cream cones]'' Ice cream cones, ice cream sundaes, ice cream floats. Mmm. This must be a dream. I'm dreaming of ice cream. <hr width=50% /> :''[While Lisa does not have any ice cream, Lisa's Mom still thinks that there should be a proper snack for winter --but not ice cream since it is in fact a summer treat. That is as she --Lisa's Mom-- says...!]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Lisa, really. A mug of [[w:hot cocoa|hot cocoa]] (with marshmallows) should make more sense. :''[What Lisa's mom said, it is true. A mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows is indeed a proper treat for winter. Lisa should maybe try ice cream for real summer days. But since it is winter, she should choose some sort of a "winter type treat" like hot chocolate.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa's Mom finds Lisa's toys in the hallway making her think that Lisa had forgot to put her toys away when she was off to school.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta]'' Lisa knows better than to leave her toys in the hallway. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy and Rosetta ride on Buckaroo while delivering the mail. Corduroy throws letters to the neighborhood and one letter lands on the sidewalk and Kit looks at the letter. Corduroy throws a letter to the ice cream lady and she catches it]'' :'''Buckaroo''': Everyone looks happy. :''[Corduroy throws more letters]'' :'''Rosetta''': It means someone is thinking about you. :''[Corduroy as a mailman throws one of the letters and a women picks it up and opens it. Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo as mail carriers arrive at Lisa's school and Lisa is doing math inside.]'' :'''Corduroy''': I can't wait to give Lisa her special delivery. <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa's Mom''': Hi, Mrs. Cho. :'''Mrs. Cho''': ''[to Lisa's Mom]'' Good morning. : ''[Mrs. Cho tells Lisa's Mom of how she found Lisa's toys --Corduroy, Rosetta and Buckaroo-- in the elevator.]'' :'''Mrs. Cho''': I think Lisa forgot her toys. They were in the elevator. :''[Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo are sitting on Mrs. Cho's shopping trolley.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': But (as I recall), the last time I looked, they were right there (in the hallway after Lisa left for school)! :''[Lisa's Mom still looks at them, still wondering how Lisa's toys --Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo-- were "left out" while Lisa was at school. True to what she says, as she recalls, she saw the toys in the hallway.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[laughs]'' It is not as if they can walk out on their own! :''[Lisa's Mom knows that toys strictly speaking do not go out to places on their own from any child's bedroom --like Lisa's-- then picks up the toys.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Thanks, Mrs. Cho (for finding Lisa's toys). :'''Mrs. Cho''': You're welcome. :''[Later, the scene cuts to where Lisa's Mom takes Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo back to Lisa's room. She is still thinks that Lisa forgot to put her toys away, then she puts them on the bed.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo]'' Now you stay put. All right, Corduroy? I don't want Lisa thinking her own mom can't take care of her toys. :''[She leaves the bedroom.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' I hope Lisa likes her surprise. ===Clean Up / Music Lesson [1.4]=== :''[Rosetta has tagged along with Corduroy, Lisa, and Moppy. That is, since the beginning of the episode. It has even been seen onscreen too. Scene first cuts to the ducks. As for Rosetta, as the viewers see her, she is in the shirt section of Corduroy's overalls and --possibly-- tickling in Corduroy's overalls. She did this to Corduroy when he --Corduroy-- put her --Rosetta-- in his overalls. That is, as she was in Corduroy's overalls --which he uses as a "pocket area" for Rosetta while at the public.]'' :'''Lisa''': The poor ducklings, they are stranded out there. :''[Cut to Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Why are they not swimming Lisa? :''[Lisa approaches to Corduroy.]'' :'''Corduroy''': They want to swim. But they can't because the water is so dirty. :'''Rosetta''': ''[thinking --and from Corduroy's overalls]'' It is not only because the water is dirty. It's also because people have been putting dirt into the water. :''[Rosetta smiles with a white toothed smile and with lipstick on her lips.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Wouldn't it be great, Cordy, if we got the pond so clean, even we could swim in it? :''[Rosetta pops out of Corduroy's overalls shirt section and reminds him to take her out of his overalls top section before swimming. And she says...!]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[to Corduroy]'' Just remember to take me out of your pocket before you do any swimming. :''[Rosetta goes back into Corduroy's overalls]'' :'''Corduroy''': I will, Rosetta. :'''Lisa''': And we'll have to make sure you're wearing your water wings, Cordy. ''[sighs]'' I could just see it. The pond will look the best ever. :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, the pond looks shiny clean and the animals like ducks, lizards, turtles, frogs, salamanders, and bugs --like dragonflies-- are enjoying their clean home. The camera zooms over to Lisa and Corduroy who were swimming in the pond]'' :'''Lisa and Corduroy''': ''[laughing]'' :''[A mallard and his ducklings swim past Lisa and Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': I must be swimming. I've always wanted to swim. ''[to a duckling]'' Just like you! Quack, quack. :''[A duckling swims around Lisa]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[laughs]'' Quack, quack, cheep, cheep. :''[A duckling swims back to Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughs]'' They have water wings just like us! :''[They both begin to laugh as the duckling flaps his wings]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy looks the clean pond while Moppy goes fishing. He picks ups some pieces of trail mix and eats it. Lisa eats trail mix too and the ducklings arrived]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Looks like we made some new friends. :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Yeah. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' The pond is so clean. Can we go swimming now? :'''Lisa''': I think we better stick to sharing our snacks with the ducks for now, Cordy. :''[The camera zooms out of the clean pond as the episode ends]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Corduroy and Rosetta gets the radio out of Lisa's bed]'' :'''Rosetta''': Voila! I told you there was a radio under there. :'''Corduroy''': Was it hiding, Rosetta? :'''Rosetta''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Lisa must have forgotten it. But now we have found it, alors. ''[turns her back and then tries to turn on the radio]'' Oh. Oh! ''[shakes her head]'' Ahem. Corduroy? A winding, if you please. :''[Corduroy picks up Rosetta and winds her up turning her wind up key. He puts Rosetta down --after winding up her key-- and Rosetta pushes a button on the radio and the orchestra music plays. Now Corduroy and Rosetta are dancing to the music. They are acting like dancers]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[while dancing to the music]'' This must be a concert. I've always wanted to go to a concert. :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy imagines that he and Rosetta are the music conductors. And Corduroy gives the orchestra band some wonderful music. A lady plays a tuba, Seven men plays the bass, A women and her husband plays the flute and a brown man plays the trumpet. Corduroy keeps playing some wonderful music. Back in reality, Lisa comes home and turns off the radio causing Corduroy and Rosetta to stop dancing]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[finds out why Lisa turns off the music]'' Why has the music stopped? :'''Rosetta''': Lisa, you turned off the radio. :'''Lisa''': There's much better music to listen to. :'''Corduroy''': ''[points to the radio that played the song which he and Rosetta were dancing to and says to Lisa that he and Rosetta like that music]'' But I like that music! :'''Lisa''': No, this music is much better, Corduroy. Trust me. ''[turns on her other radio but makes jazzy music]'' Ew! ''[changes the radio channel but makes country music this time]'' Ew, yuck! ''[one radio channel has piano music]'' Uh-uh. ''[founds a radio channel that has dance music]'' There, that's more like it. ''[shakes her head]'' :'''Corduroy''': But why do we have to like only one kind of music? :'''Rosetta''': ''[about the same music Lisa likes]'' You mean: "Why do we have to likes only the same music Lisa likes?". :'''Lisa''': That's not true. ''[to Corduroy and Rosetta]'' Oh, go ahead. ''[gives Corduroy and Rosetta the radio]'' Listen to what you want. ===Ship Ahoy / Help Wanted [1.5]=== :'''Moppy''': ''♪ Row, row, row your boat, ♪'' :''♪ Gently down the stream. ♪'' :''♪ Merrily, merrily... ♪'' :''[Moppy stops pulling the toy boat]'' :'''Moppy''': Huh? :''[Moppy sees a girl playing her electronic motor boat. The electronic motor boat drives fast through the water while a girl controls it with a remote control]'' :'''Moppy''': Hey, cool! ''[ties the end of the rope to a rock]'' Be right back, Corduroy. :''[Corduroy watches Moppy runs to a girl and then sings "[[w:Row, Row, Row Your Boat|Row, Row, Row Your Boat]]"]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[while shaking Moppy's boat]'' ''♪ Row, row, row your boat, ♪'' :''♪ Gently down the stream. ♪'' :''♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, ♪'' :''♪ Life is but a dream. ♪'' :''♪ Row, row, row your boat, ♪'' :''♪ Gently down the stream. ♪'' :''♪ Merrily, merrily... ♪'' :''[Suddenly, the knot becomes lose and Corduroy floats away on Moppy's boat]'' :'''Corduroy''': I must be floating away. <hr width=50% /> :''[Corduroy is still floating away on Moppy's boat and looks excited. He looks at the refection of himself until four grey fish appeared]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi, fishies! I don't have any food for you. We haven't had our picnic yet! :''[The four grey fishes dived into the water and Corduroy looks at the view of the park]'' :'''Corduroy''': The pond must be taking me somewhere. I wonder where I'm going. ''[the flying disc lands on the water and the golden retriever swims through the water, picks ups the flying disc and swam back to shore]'' Ohh! :''[The golden retriever shakes off all the water]'' :'''Lady''': Ahh! :'''Corduroy''': Whew! That must have been a wave. A really big wave! :''[The lady throws the flying disc and the golden retriever runs after it. The black haired man and his daughter are wearing life jackets on the boat]'' :'''Corduroy''': Maybe I should wear a life jacket too, just in case. There's one on the boat. ''[founds a floatie]'' Here it is! ''[takes the floatie and puts it on]'' That's better. :''[Moppy's toy boat floats in the middle of the pond]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy are washing their hands in the kitchen]'' :'''Lisa''': We have to clean our hands and paws before we start! :''[Lisa accidentally squirts water on Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughs]'' Hey! :'''Lisa''': ''[giggles]'' Oops! <hr width=50% /> :''[After Corduroy's imagination of spreading peanut butter and grape jelly to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich --his favorite thing to have for lunch. Then the scene cuts back to him in the kitchen making them.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[continues his song "[[w:Peanut Butter|Peanut Butter]]"]'' ''♪ Peanut, peanut butter-[spoken] AND JELLY! ♪'' :''♪ Peanut, peanut butter-[spoken] AND JELLY! ♪'' :''♪ [spoken] Then you take your sandwich and you eat it, you eat it! ♪'' :''♪ [spoken] Then you take your sandwich and you eat it, you eat it! ♪'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Okay! This is going to be great! :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' What's that? :'''Lisa''': It's Lisa's Lip-Smacking Lemonade. ''[smacks her lips]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[while Lisa adds sugar to the lemonade]'' Maybe you should measure the sugar before you put it in. :'''Lisa''': Ohh! What's one or two spoons, huh? :'''Corduroy''': That's looks like a lot of sugar! :'''Lisa''': Now, here we've got some leftover macaroni, ''[dumps the uncook macaroni into the bowl]'' so I'm going to make a pasta salad. But first, I have to make the dressing. :''[Lisa takes the soy sauce, the vinegar and the other dressing out of the shelf]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Okay, vineger ''[pows the drop of vineger into the bowl]'' Soy sauce, ''[pows the drop of soy sauce into the bowl]'' Oh, Mom's favorite, hot peppers! ''[put the hot peppers into the bowl and then the coconut and the chocolate chips]'' Uh, coconut, chocolate chips. Hmm, prune juice. ''[on-screen]'' Never tried that before, but I bet it's really good. ''[pows the drop of prune juice into the bowl]'' ===Flight of Fancy / 1 + 1 = 2 [1.6]=== :''[In Corduroy's imagination, a bird fly through the sky]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi there, Mr. Birdie. ''[The bird flies away and Corduroy rides on the kite]'' Whee! Here I go! :''[Corduroy flies his kite as a helicopter flies past]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi! Look at me, I'm flying! :''[Corduroy flies past buildings. Three men tries to put the roof on top]'' :'''Corduroy''': One, two, three, pull! ''[The roof is now on top]'' Yeah! There you go! Into the clouds I go! Wait till I tell Lisa! <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Moppy's kite crash together]'' :'''Lisa and Moppy''': ''[gasp]'' :''[The broken kites fall into the tree]'' :'''Moppy''': Look what you did! :'''Lisa''': Me? Your kite bumped into mine! :'''Moppy''': It did not! :'''Lisa''': Did too! :'''Moppy''': Did not! :'''Lisa''': Did too! :'''Moppy''': Did not! :'''Corduroy''': Uh oh, Looks like big trouble. <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': What is a dinosaur? :'''Lisa''': Dinosaurs, they lived millions of years ago. And they were very big. :'''Corduroy''': Even bigger than Buckaroo? :''[Buckaroo lets out a neigh in response.]'' :'''Lisa''': They were a lot bigger than Buckaroo. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination --which is to the prehistoric world-- they both meet [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]] again and this time he's perfect. As for the "age of dinosaurs" subject, the "age of dinosaurs" is really Lisa and Corduroy's imagination from the dinosaur book. So Lisa and Corduroy are really in her dinosaur book --from the library-- meaning that they are just pretending like they are so. The Stegosaurus is actually Lisa and Corduroy's model dinosaur in disguise and not a real dinosaur. The [[w:Mesozoic era|period of time]] they are in right now is the [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]] and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] periods. That is, since the [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|Tyrannosaurus Rex]] is also encountered too.]'' :'''Corduroy''': Are you still wobbly? :'''Stegosaurus''': Nope! See? ''[shows his perfect parts]'' :'''Lisa''': Are you still cold? :'''Stegosaurus''': Not anymore. Feel my skin! So soft and warm! ''[Lisa and Corduroy feels Stegosaurus' skin and Stegosaurus begin to laugh]'' That tickles! ''[off-screen]'' Would you like to hear me roar? :'''Corduroy''': Sure! Go ahead! :''[Stegosaurus roars loudly as a flock of [[w:pterosaur|pterosaurs]] fly away. The pterosaurs were a [[w:Pterodactylus|Pterodactylus]]. Indeed, the pterosaur Pterodactylus lived in the Jurassic period. But while it was a flying reptile and not a dinosaur, it did live in the same [[w:Mesozoic Era|period of time]] as the [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], [[w:Diplodocus|Diplodocus]], and Stegosaurus. Pterosaurs lived at the same time as the dinosaurs. The Brachiosaurus was seen in Lisa's dinosaur book. The Diplodocus was encountered by Lisa and Corduroy earlier.]'' :'''Stegosaurus''': ''[laughs]'' I can roar even louder If you like. :''[Lisa and Corduroy look at each other]'' :'''Lisa''': That's okay. :'''Stegosaurus''': Maybe you like to go for a ride. :'''Corduroy''': A ride? :'''Lisa''': Sure! :'''Stegosaurus''': Just watch out for my back and tail. They're pointy. :''[Lisa and Corduroy hop on Stegosaurus' back and Stegosaurus walks away with Lisa and Corduroy]'' ===Cute as a Button / Sleep Tight [1.7]=== :'''Lisa''': Mom, can I get some new sneakers, please? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Whatever for? Yours are still in good shape. :'''Lisa''': But they don't even compare to Moppy's. He got all this neat stuff on his sneakers. Mine are just so boring! :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[thinking Lisa is trying to follow the crowd after she saw Moppy's new sneakers]'' You shouldn't place so much weight on appearances. ''[thinks Lisa is better off not following the crowd]'' Your sneakers are perfectly fine. :'''Lisa''': You mean perfectly plain! <hr width=50% /> :''[while Corduroy looks for his button, he enters the living room and he'll look for his button in here]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[looks under the couch]'' Ugh! Not under the sofa! :''[Corduroy squeezes out of the couch and he is covered in grey dust. He wipes out all the dust using his paw]'' :'''Corduroy''': Button, come out, come out, wherever you are! ''[sneezes]'' :''[Corduroy wipes his nose using his paw. He finds a white checker piece and --at first-- mistakes it for an overalls button.]'' :'''Corduroy''': There you are! ''[the camera pans in to the white checker piece]'' You're not my button. You're from Lisa's checker game. :''[Corduroy walks to a red sofa to believe that he found his button.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[grunts; gasping]'' Why, here's my button! Here's lot of my buttons! :''[Corduroy gets on the sofa and goes over to one of the button and tries to pull it off when he --like the checker piece-- mistakes the button on the sofa for an overalls button. But it's tied town tight like all the others]'' :'''Corduroy''': They're all tied down tight! Whoa! Oof! :''[Corduroy crashes into a lamp and it falls down off-screen]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[After Lisa sews the overalls button on Corduroy's overalls.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to Corduroy]'' I like you the way you are. But you are going to be more comfortable with your shoulder strap fastened. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy's imagination, he went to a dark, cool cave until he meet a friendly bear.]'' :'''Corduroy''': Uh, hello? :'''Bear''': ''[gasping]'' You're a bear! :'''Corduroy''': Uh-huh! ''[gulps]'' You're not going to eat me, are you? :'''Bear''': No, of course not. I thought you might like to sit and have some tea and muffins with me. ''[sighs sadly]'' Oh, it's because I look scary, isn't it? :'''Corduroy''': Are you? :'''Bear''': No! I'm perfectly nice! ''[off-screen]'' I've been practicing laughing and smiling, ''[on-screen]'' so if anyone came and visited me in my dark, cool cave, they wouldn't be afraid! But hardly anybody anybody ever comes to visit me. ''[growling]'' See why? :'''Corduroy''': Uh-huh. :'''Bear''': You don't think I look scary? :'''Corduroy''': Well, at first I did. Talking to you, I know you're not scary. Not scary at all! :'''Bear''': ''[looking at a refection of himself]'' What's inside is what counts, right? :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Bear]'' That's right! <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Corduroy, you silly bear! :'''Corduroy''': ''[pretends to be a real bear]'' Roar! :'''Lisa''': ''[sees that Corduroy was imitating a real bear roaring]'' We can play later, Cordy, but first I have to get this tent set up. Moppy's going to be here any minute. :'''Corduroy''': Moppy's coming here? :'''Lisa''': ''[while finishing setting up the tent]'' He's staying for a sleepover. :'''Corduroy''': ''[peeks into the tent]'' A sleepover? ''[walks to Lisa]'' I want to have a sleepover, too! :'''Lisa''': Okay, you can have the bedroom. :'''Corduroy''': ''[jumps for joy]'' Yay, I'm going to have a sleepover! ''[giggling]'' Lisa? :'''Lisa''': Yes? :'''Corduroy''': What's a sleepover? :'''Lisa''': ''[explains to Corduroy about a sleepover]'' It's kinda of like a party, where your friends come over and stay all night. You get to play games and stay up late. :'''Corduroy''': That sounds like fun! I know who I'm going to have at my sleepover! ''[leaves Lisa's tent while giggling]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Moppy's Dad''': Well, so far so good. :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[to Lisa's Mom about Moppy's first night at Lisa's place for a sleepover]'' This is his his first night away from home. We've worried he might get a little... :'''Moppy''': ''[off-screen; believing that he could stay at Lisa's place for a week]'' Wow! I could stay here for a whole week! :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[giggling]'' Homesick. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa went to her bedroom until she realizes Corduroy is having his own sleepover]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[thinks Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta are in her room --though they had gone out to Lisa's tent]'' On second thought, maybe Cordy did want to have his own sleepover. Then maybe I shouldn't bother him. ''[yawns]'' :''[Lisa turns her back to the bedroom door and went to the living room until she finds Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo in her tent]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen; to Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta]'' What are you (three) doing here? :'''Corduroy''': ''[about why he, Buckaroo, and Rosetta could not sleep even though he wanted to have his own sleepover]'' We missed you! :'''Buckaroo''': ''[also about why he couldn't sleep]'' We couldn't get to sleep! :'''Rosetta''': ''[adds her reason about not being able to get to sleep]'' Je ne comprends pas! I do not understand! :''[Rosetta notes that she tried singing Corduroy a lullaby to help him go to sleep but that didn't work.]'' :'''Rosetta''': Even my singing (on a lullaby) did not help! :'''Lisa''': ''[tells them that they may not be ready to have their sleepovers yet]'' Maybe you're not ready to sleep on your own yet. :'''Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo''': Mmm-hmm. :''[Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta nod as they are now part of Lisa's sleepover. Later, the scene cuts to the living room --shown where Lisa and her toys Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo are in the tent. Lisa and her toys play with Lisa's make believe planetarium pretend to look at the stars and [[w:constellation|constellations]]. Lisa shows her toys the star constellations with her make-believe planetarium. This is shown on the black sheet that she had showed Moppy. They are having a short time playing or "short use" with the planetarium to see the stars before bedtime.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[showing Rosetta a constellation]'' Do you see that group of stars, Rosetta? ''[off-screen]'' That's [[w:Cassiopeia (constellation)|Cassiopeia]]. But I think she looks more like a mouse. :''[Cassiopeia's nose twinkles. Rosetta --when she sees the mouse constellation-- reacts to it.]'' :'''Rosetta''': Did you hear that? I look just like a queen! :'''Lisa''': ''[showing Buckaroo a constellation]'' Do you see that group of stars over there, Buckaroo? That's [[w:Pegasus (constellation)|Pegasus the Horse]]. :''[Pegasus's right eye twinkles. Pegasus the horse does look like Buckaroo the rocking horse. Buckaroo --when he sees the Pegasus the Horse constellation-- mimics a real horse neighing.]'' :'''Buckaroo''': I like that one! :'''Corduroy''': Is there a bear anywhere? :'''Lisa''': ''[shows Corduroy two constellations]'' Actually, there are two bears. ''[off-screen]'' There's [[w:Ursa Minor|Ursa Minor]] --he's the little bear. And that one over there, that's [[w:Ursa Major|Ursa Major]] --he's the big bear. :''[Lisa shows out the final two constellations before everyone goes to bed.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Lisa about the bear constellations --Ursa Minor and Ursa Major]'' Someday, I'm going to be a big bear. Right, Lisa? :''[After the last constellation, Lisa puts the flashlight down, turns off the flashlight and takes down the black sheet planetarium so everyone stops playing and are led to go to bed. Corduroy is now in bed has told himself he is going to be a big bear like Ursa Minor and Ursa Major]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[tucks Corduroy into bed]'' You're already a big bear, Cordy. :'''Corduroy''': Good night, Lisa. :'''Lisa''': Sleep tight, Cordy. :''[Lisa, Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo are fallen fast asleep. Then the curtains closed the tent as the episode ends]'' ===Toothache / Mop Top [1.8]=== :'''Moppy''': You want to hear a joke? :'''Lisa''': Sure. :'''Moppy''': Knock, knock. :'''Lisa''': Who's there? :'''Moppy''': Amos. :'''Lisa''': Amos who? :'''Moppy''': A mosquito just bit me! ''[laughs]'' :''[Lisa starts to laughs until she feels tooth because she now has a bad toothache]'' :'''Moppy''': Usually everyone laughs when I tell them that one. :'''Lisa''': The joke's funny, but this toothache isn't. :'''Moppy''': Toothache?! :'''Lisa''': I'll tell my mom as soon as I get home (to the building). :'''Moppy''': You're gonna tell your mom?! :'''Lisa''': Sure, why not? (What can go bad?) :'''Moppy''': Because she'll make you go to the dentist. :'''Lisa''': So? I've been to the dentist lots of times. It's no big deal. :'''Moppy''': It is a big deal if you've got a toothache. :'''Lisa''': What do you mean? :'''Moppy''': ''[tells Lisa a story about when Moppy himself got a little toothache last year and about his older/younger brother who also went to the dentist]'' Last year I had a little toothache and I ended up getting three fillings! See? ''[shows Lisa his teeth fillings]'' And he froze my mouth with a needle this long! :''[Lisa gulps in horror.]'' :'''Moppy''': ''[he continues his story]'' Then my brother went to the dentist because he had a toothache too! <big>'''AND THE DENTIST PULLED HIS (MY BROTHER'S) TOOTH RIGHT OUT!'''</big> :''[Lisa is shocked about Moppy's story. Because he --Moppy-- and his brother both had an experience at the dentist when they both had toothaches.]'' :'''Lisa''': I thought the dentist would just make it feel better (on you and your brother). :'''Moppy's Dad''': Make what feel better? :'''Lisa''': Well...! Oh, nothing. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa's room, Corduroy is riding on Buckaroo]'' :'''Corduroy''': Giddy up! ''[laughs]'' :''[Lisa enters her room and finds Corduroy who is rocking Buckaroo too fast]'' :'''Lisa''': Corduroy? What are you doing? :'''Corduroy''': I'm riding on Buckaroo! ''[stops rocking Buckaroo]'' :'''Lisa''': How many times have I told you not to rock so fast? :'''Buckaroo''': ''[sighs; tells Lisa about her warning about Corduroy not rocking him too fast]'' I've tried telling him. (And he won't just listen.) :'''Lisa''': You're going to have to be more careful or else you're going to --ow-- hurt yourself. :'''Corduroy''': What's wrong? :'''Lisa''': I have a toothache. :'''Corduroy''': Can't you get it fixed? :'''Lisa''': I think I'll wait for it to get better on its own. ''[finds some library books]'' Oh, I left some books in the living room. Be right back, Cordy. Mom's taking us to the library. ''[leaves her bedroom and close the door]'' :'''Corduroy''': Okay, giddy up, Buckaroo! :'''Buckaroo''': But Lisa said... Oh, all right. :'''Corduroy''': Faster! You can do it! ''[falls off Buckaroo]'' Whoa! Ow! :'''Buckaroo''': ''[gasps; to Corduroy]'' Are you all right? :'''Corduroy''': ''[gets up and sees that he has scraped his elbow]'' I think I scratched my elbow. ''[to Buckaroo]'' You aren't gonna tell Lisa are you? :'''Buckaroo''': Hmm... <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Lisa? :'''Lisa''': Cordy, what happened? :'''Corduroy''': ''[about how he fell off Buckaroo and scraped his elbow yesterday]'' I hurt it yesterday when I fell off Buckaroo. I was riding him to fast. :''[Lisa --unaware of the fact that her toothache is still there-- becomes concerned about Corduroy's injury when he --Corduroy-- rocked on Buckaroo the rocking horse too fast and fell off of him.]'' :'''Lisa''': You should have told me right away. :''[Lisa picks up Corduroy.]'' :'''Lisa''': Come on, I'll fix it up for you. :''[In the bathroom, Lisa --despite still feeling her toothache-- puts the bandage on Corduroy's scraped and cut elbow.]'' :'''Lisa''': There. How does it feel? :'''Corduroy''': ''[feels the bandage on his cut after he fell off Buckaroo]'' Much better. :''[Corduroy, he hugs Lisa.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[feels the toothache]'' Ow! :'''Corduroy''': Sorry, I must have squeezed too hard. :'''Lisa''': ''[to Corduroy while feeling her tooth]'' It's not your fault. It's my tooth. :'''Corduroy''': Didn't get better on its own? :'''Lisa''': ''[about her toothache]'' I was hoping it would but it's getting worse! It hurts when I eat something hot, it hurts when I eat something cold, it hurts when I laugh, and it hurts when I sleep! :''[Lisa walks around as she talks about her toothache. Then she goes over to Corduroy. That is, despite his injury being healed after falling off Buckaroo.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Corduroy about it]'' But now it even hurts when you hug me! :'''Corduroy''': What are you going to do? :'''Lisa''': ''[sadly --and to answer Corduroy's question]'' Something that I should have done a long time ago! :''[Later, the scene cuts to where Lisa and Corduroy are in the living room with Lisa's mom. Lisa is going tell her mom the truth about her toothache.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Lisa when she had not admitted the truth yet about her toothache and not yet had told her about it in the first place]'' Why didn't you tell me sooner? :'''Lisa''': I would have but I was afraid of the giant needle. :'''Lisa Mom''': The giant needle? :'''Lisa''': It's this long! :'''Lisa's Mom''': Mm, and where did you hear about this? :'''Lisa''': Moppy. :'''Lisa's Mom''': I'm pretty sure Moppy's exaggerating. :'''Lisa''': Why would he do that? :'''Lisa's Mom''': I know he didn't mean any harm. Sometimes when you worried about something your mind exaggerates things like the size of a needle. :'''Lisa''': You mean it's not this big? :'''Lisa's Mom''': More like this small. The needle is just meant to keep you from being uncomfortable. You can hardly feel it. :'''Lisa''': And I'm not going to get my teeth pulled out either? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Your teeth pulled out? Goodness, no. Whoever told you? :''[Lisa's mom thinks that Lisa have heard that from Moppy.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Let me guess. :''[Lisa and her mom started to laugh.]'' :'''Lisa and Lisa's Mom''': Moppy. :''[They continue to laugh. But Lisa's tooth hurts when she laughs. And she --Lisa-- says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[in pain]'' Ow! <hr width=50% /> :'''Dentist''': ''[before starting the said dentist checkup]'' But first ''[takes Corduroy out of Lisa's knapsack and hands him to Lisa]'', having your bear (Corduroy) nearby may make you feel more comfortable. <hr width=50% /> :'''Dentist''': There's no need to be nervous. I'm just going to take a picture of your teeth. :'''Lisa''': I like getting my picture taken. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Me too. :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's first imagination, they're in a photo booth getting their picture taken]'' :'''Lisa''': Not like that, Cordy. ''[giggles]'' Like this! ''[makes a funny face]'' Aaahhh. :''[The camera from the booth takes a picture of Lisa and Corduroy making funny faces]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's second imagination, the waiter give Lisa plate of spaghetti and red sauce]'' :'''Lisa''': It looks delicious. :'''Waiter''': And for you, sir. Enjoy. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Corduroy''': Mm! ''[slurps]'' :''[Corduroy takes out a fork and eats a bit spaghetti and swallows it. He and Lisa laugh]'' <hr width=50% /> ===Art Smart / A Hot Day in the City [1.9]=== :''[At the art gallery --Lisa's mom's art gallery-- with Lisa, Corduroy, and Rosetta, Corduroy is playing with the art as he jumps up and down when he's trying to climb on the statue until Lisa picks him up. At this, Corduroy thinks that he and Rosetta can do anything they want in the art gallery just because no one else is in it nor using it. So when Corduroy asks Lisa to "help him climb the statue", Lisa picks him up thinking she might do so. Corduroy, he says...!]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughing]'' Help me up, please! :''[As Corduroy says this, he is trying to get Lisa to help him climb on the statue as he jokingly wants to climb it. But Lisa, she says...!] :'''Lisa''': ''[knows the truth about the "HANDS OFF" signs --meaning "look but don't touch"]'' Sorry, Cordy. No can do. :''[Lisa calls to Rosetta who is also playing on the art. Rosetta is swinging on the red ropes.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Rosetta]'' Come on down (from the red ropes), Rosetta. :'''Rosetta''': ''[believing the art gallery is closed for today]'' But the art gallery is closed today. No? :''[Rosetta also thinks that she and Corduroy can do anything they want in the art gallery.]'' :'''Rosetta''': That means we have the whole place to ourselves! :'''Lisa''': ''[to Rosetta]'' (Not quite, Rosetta.) It's great that Mom is letting us wander around while she's working. :''[Lisa continues to Corduroy and Rosetta about the art gallery and its rules. She says it is for everyone and talks to them about the ropes in the gallery.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to Rosetta about the ropes]'' But those ropes aren't for playing. ''[then to Corduroy about the art sculptures]'' And neither is this art. :'''Corduroy''': I'm not supposed to play here? :'''Lisa''': Uh-uh. These red ropes are for keeping people from getting too close to the art. It means look but don't touch. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa sees Corduroy is covered with clay while building his own sculpture.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[playfully laughs]'' Careful, Corduroy! :''[Lisa cleans the wet clay off Corduroy's head with a wet rag.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[in between laughs]'' If you don't you might become Clay-duroy! :''[Lisa resumes laughing. Lisa, she --funnily warns Corduroy-- and gives him a nickname to be a parody of his name. She --after she says this "If you don't, you may become 'Clay-duroy'!"-- replaces the first syllable --or "prefix"-- "Cor" in his name --which is "Corduroy"-- with "Clay". And --with the new syllable "Clay"-- she repronounces it as "Clay-duroy" for a new name on him. That is, if he is not careful and is seen covered with clay. So he --Corduroy-- is going to be "Clayduroy" forever. That is, if he is covered in clay and the clay doesn't wash off. Then she notes about the sculpture that Corduroy made.]'' :'''Lisa''': Your sculpture's really taking shape. :'''Rosetta''': What about my painting, Lisa? :'''Lisa''': It's really good. :'''Corduroy''': It's nice. :'''Rosetta''': ''[about her painting and Corduroy's sculpture; and thinks that Lisa likes Corduroy's sculpture better than her painting]'' Good? Nice? Mais non, it's more than good or nice. It's...! It's a...! :''[To be a parody of the word "masterpiece", Rosetta replaces the first syllable --prefix-- "mas" in the word "masterpiece" with "mouse". Then she repronounces it as "mouse-terpiece". Again, see nickname in next quote.]'' :'''Rosetta''': A Mouse-terpiece! :''[The red paint from the paintbrush lands on Rosetta's face.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Rosetta''': That is not fair! Lisa can't love both my painting and Corduroy's sculpture at the same time. If only I was in a place where people could truly appreciate my art. :''[In Rosetta's imagination, the people who are in the art gallery are looking at Rosetta's paintings]'' :'''Man''': ''[off-screen]'' Oh, Rosetta's colours! :'''Women''': ''[off-screen]'' Her shapes! :'''Man and Women''': ''[on-screen]'' Very, very nice! :'''Man #2''': ''[off-screen]'' Rosetta's a very good artiste. :'''Women #2''': ''[off-screen]'' Yes. But have you seen the bear's sculpture? :''[Rosetta is shocked]'' :'''Rosetta''': No! Corduroy's work is better than mine?! (Oh-no!) :''[Rosetta watches the people leave as they to see Corduroy's sculpture. She drives all the way to the top of the art work sees Corduroy's sculpture]'' :'''Rosetta''': Ah! :'''Lisa's Mom''': Notice the fine lines, the perfect shape. A magnificent piece of work. Outstanding. :''[The people cheered and clapped for Corduroy as he yawns]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Indeed, this sculpture by the artist Corduroy is this art gallery's greatest, most important masterpiece. :''[Rosetta looks very shocked of Corduroy's sculpture]'' :'''Lisa''': Don't you just love it? :''[Rosetta has an unhappy expression]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[After the incident, Rosetta gets back on the art table and looks at her ruined painting after she --with her jealousy-- ruined her painting and broke Corduroy's sculpture.]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[finds her painting ruined by herself]'' Look! I ruined my painting! <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy are in the playground trying to make the swings move]'' :'''Lisa''': Do you want to ride the teeter totter, Cordy? :'''Corduroy''': It is too hot to play. :'''Lisa''': I know. It's even hotter than yesterday. ''[huffs]'' :'''Corduroy''': It's the hottest day ever. :''[Lisa pulls out the grass and throws to see if the breeze is coming but it didn't came. From this point, Lisa and Corduroy see it is way too hot and do not know that this heat can melt any frozen things]'' :'''Lisa''': There isn't even a breeze to cool us off. :'''Corduroy''': My fur is making me even hotter. :'''Lisa''': Let's go home, Cordy. It's air-conditioned there. :'''Corduroy''': Will it be nice and cool? :'''Lisa''': And on the way back, we can visit...! :'''Corduroy''': The sweet shop? <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa comes home until she feel the hot heat from inside instead of the breeze from the air-conditioner]'' :'''Lisa''': Huh? :'''Corduroy''': ''[panting]'' I'm still hot. :'''Lisa''': What's wrong with the air conditioning? :'''Lisa's Mom''': It hasn't been working for most of the day. :'''Lisa''': Can I go over to Moppy's to get cool? :'''Lisa's Mom''': I'm afraid the air conditioning is broken down for the whole building. Pandro's trying to fix it. :''[Lisa puts down her knapsack down to the floor and puts Corduroy on the sofa's handle]'' :'''Lisa''': Can we go to the beach? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Sorry. The beach is quite a distance away, hon. By the time we get there, it'll be evening. :'''Lisa''': Oh... <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, they're at the beach and they both finished the sandcastle]'' :'''Lisa''': A castle fit for a king. :'''Corduroy''': Someday I want to be a king. :'''Lisa''': Well, King Corduroy, do you want to go beachcombing? :'''Corduroy''': Beachcombing? (What's beachcombing?) :'''Lisa''': We'll look for seashells and other neat stuff (along the way). :'''Corduroy''': You mean like a treasure hunt? :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Sort of. ''[on-screen]'' Come on. :''[Corduroy follows Lisa. Lisa and Corduroy's footprints are shown on the sand as Lisa and Corduroy went to collect seashells. as Corduroy puts shells into the bucket, he sees a conch shell laying on the beach]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Lisa when he finds a conch shell]'' Look! :''[The camera zooms in to a conch shell. Corduroy runs through the beach and picks the conch shell with his paws]'' :'''Lisa''': Wow, that's a real big one. Try blowing it. :''[Corduroy blows on the conch shell making a "very" long note]'' :'''Corduroy''': Whoa! What more could a bear ask for? :'''Lisa''': ''[sees another shell in the distance]'' Look how pretty that shell is. :''[Another shell lays on the sandy beach. Corduroy touches the shell and it started to move]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughs as he fell backwards]'' Hey! ''[laughing]'' This one moves. :''[A hermit crab (who is inside the shell) continues to crawl through the sandy beach until Lisa picks him up and she looks inside his shell]'' :'''Lisa''': It's a hermit crab. :''[The hermit crab comes out of his shell with a grumpy expression]'' :'''Lisa''': See? He's hiding. :'''Corduroy''': He doesn't look very happy (today). :'''Lisa''': I think he looks kind of crabby. :''[Lisa and Corduroy begin to laugh with joy. Then Lisa put the hermit crab on the sandy beach and the hermit crab crawls away from Lisa and Corduroy so he can join in the other crabs]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Whoa, it's a whole bunch of crabbies! :''[Lisa and Corduroy started laughing again as the hermit crab went into the ocean. Suddenly, a baby sea turtle pops out of the sand after it hatched out from an egg]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Look, Corduroy. It's a baby (sea) turtle. :''[The baby sea turtle crawls to the ocean]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Where's it going? :'''Lisa''': Into the ocean. That's where it's going to grow up. :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Lisa as he watches the baby sea turtle goes into the ocean]'' Someday, I want to look inside the ocean and find out what else lives there. :'''Lisa''': I'd like that, too. Feel that ocean breeze? :''[Lisa and Corduroy sigh together]'' :'''Corduroy''': It's so nice and cool. ===Yours, Mine and Ours / Say Cheese [1.10]=== :'''Lisa''': ''[knocking on the door]'' Moppy! Moppy, hurry up! The block party's already started! :'''Moppy''': ''[opens the door; laughs]'' I know. My mom just took the cheese fondue down a minute ago! :'''Lisa''': Ready to go? :'''Moppy''': Are you kidding? I skipped breakfast so I'd have more room for all the free food! ''[feels his stomach]'' I'm gonna stuff myself silly! :'''Lisa''': ''[reminds Moppy never to get greedy]'' Don't get too greedy! We might want to taste, right, Cordy? :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Right! <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': ''[to Ice Cream Man]'' Hi, two cones, please! :'''Ice Cream Man''': ''[chuckling]'' So, how about one at a time? It's so hot, the second one will melt before you even get to it. Or is one for your little bear? :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Of course they're not for me. One is for my friend back there. :''[When Lisa says, "One ice cream cone is for my friend back there", she is referring to an ice cream cone for Corduroy. Moppy has had four ice cream cones. Then he --for a hiding place and to avoid being caught-- runs behind a lady and tries to hide behind her. That is, to avoid his guilty conscience. But the lady, she walks away. That is, allowing Moppy to get caught by the ice cream man.]'' :'''Moppy''': Uh-oh! :''[The ice cream man successfully catches Moppy. That is, after seeing that he has had four ice cream cones already.]'' :'''Moppy''': Uh...! :'''Ice Cream Man''': <big>'''HEY YOU!'''</big> :''[The ice cream man turns to Lisa.]'' :'''Ice Cream Man''': ''[to Lisa]'' <big>'''HE HAS EATEN FOUR ICE CREAM CONES ALREADY! FOUR!'''</big> :''[The ice cream man is mad.]'' :'''Ice Cream Man''': ''[turns back to Moppy]'' <big>'''WELL NO MORE, YOU GREEDY LITTLE BOY!'''</big> :''[The ice cream man wheels away after stating that Moppy must not have another ice cream cone after already having four. And what is worse, it is that Moppy did not even pay for any of the ice cream cones. That is, and he just sampled on them.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': Hi, Lisa! :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Corduroy]'' Shh! :'''Corduroy''': What are you doing? :'''Lisa''': I'm taking pictures! :'''Corduroy''': ''[whispering]'' Why do you have to be quiet to take pictures? :'''Lisa''': Because I want to take surprise pictures, starting with Mom first. Shh! :''[Corduroy is trying to be quiet. To be quiet, he covers his mouth by using both his paws. When Corduroy is not looking, Lisa sneaks to her mother's bedroom and goes on to her out of no where without her mother's permission with taking pictures. She finds her folding clothes while having curlers and face cream on. Then she makes ready to take her mother's picture. She sneakily smiles at her mother and whips out her camera to take the picture.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[takes her mother's picture with the camera]'' Say cheese! :''[Lisa snaps the picture on her mother.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[gasps]'' Ooh! :''[Lisa's Mom looks side to side where the loud click came from, then sees Lisa with the camera. Lisa laughs. Then she says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[in between laughs]'' Got ya! :''[Then Lisa resumes laughing. And she taunts her mother. Even though Lisa thought it was funny, her mother does not think it's very funny. The picture --offscreen-- that Lisa snapped on her mom shows her mom's embarrassed face. That is, with her mom's face having curlers and face cream on.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[becomes surprised]'' <big>'''LISA, YOU HAVE SCARED THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME!'''</big> :'''Lisa''': Sorry, Mom. But this makes a great picture. See you later! :''[Lisa runs away with the picture she snapped on her mother.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[As Pandro is eating a hamburger for lunch, a mouse peeks out of the mouse hole and smells the hamburger. Bread crumbs from the hamburger bun fell on the floor as the mouse spots them. Pandro is about to take another bite until he spots the mouse staring at him and his hamburger]'' :'''Pandro''' Mouse! :'''Lisa''': ''[takes Pandro's picture with the camera]'' Say cheese! :''[Pandro stands on the chair as the mouse flees away holding a bread crumb with its mouth]'' :'''Pandro''': ''[spots Lisa who already takes a picture of him]'' Hey, did you just take a picture of me? :'''Lisa''': It's going to be a great shot, Pandro. Bye! ''[runs out of the shed]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa sits down on the stair case while looking at the pictures that she took today]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Wow, these are great! :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[arrives at the building carrying groceries]'' Hi, Lisa! How are your photos turning out? :'''Lisa''': Even better than I thought! ''[shows Moppy's Mom the photos]'' :''[Lisa gives Moppy's Mom the pictures and she finds one that Lisa snapped on her when her apron is covered in chocolate icing after she and Moppy's Dad made the cake. She finds another picture when she and Moppy's Dad are covered in the cake which they accidentally had ruined]'' :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[about the smashed and ruined cake in the picture]'' Oh, (on Moppy's Dad and I), that cake (which we baked) could have tasted much better on a plate, instead of on our clothes. :'''Lisa''': What do you think? :'''Moppy's Mom''': Well, Moppy's Dad and I, we look pretty silly, don't you think? :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Funny, isn't it? :'''Moppy's Mom''': Well... :''[Pandro opens the door and walks down the stairs]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to Pandro]'' Pandro, I got a great picture of you here, too! :'''Moppy's Mom''': I'd better get these groceries inside. Bye, Lisa. Bye, Pandro. ''[went inside]'' :''[Lisa gives Pandro a picture. Pandro gasps when he sees one that Lisa snapped on him when he hides from the mouse]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[showing Pandro the mouse]'' Look, there's the mouse you were hiding from! :'''Pandro''': ''[finds the mouse on the picture]'' Oh, yes, there it is. Right in the picture. :''[The scene cuts to where Lisa holds a picture of Moppy doing a dance move who is completely chaotic]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Check it out, Moppy! :'''Moppy''': ''[practicing his dance move while kicking a ball]'' I'm busy, Lise. :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Come on, it's pretty funny. :'''Moppy''': No thanks, I don't need to look at pictures of me looking silly. :'''Lisa''': ''[as her frown becomes upside down]'' Okay, fine! <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa gets home from taking pictures. She has taken pictures on her mother, Moppy's parents, Pandro, and Moppy again. That is, even though they were doing something which was private. Indeed, Lisa was snooping through their privacy. The scene then cuts to her mother while reading her book in the kitchen at the kitchen table is looking rather embarrassed. Because what Lisa did was snapping photos on everyone in the building without their permission including her mother too when she privately had curlers and face cream on in the morning]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to her mother]'' You want to see the pictures that I took today? :''[Lisa's Mom is not happy about Lisa's "snapping pictures" behavior in the building.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Lisa]'' I'm hearing that you've snapped all sorts of photos around here. I am very curious to see how they turned out. :''[As Lisa's Mom is looking through the pictures that Lisa took around the building.]'' :'''Lisa''': I know you may like my pictures, Mom. ''[about Moppy]'' Moppy, he does not think it is right to sneak up on people to take surprise pictures. :''[Lisa's Mom looks through the pictures. After going through them, she then finds the picture that Lisa snapped on her earlier in the morning when she had curlers and face cream on. The picture reveals to showing Lisa's Mom in an embarrassed look to after Lisa took a picture of her; and right after Lisa invaded her privacy. The picture that her mother reveals is a picture of her with curlers and face cream on and an awkward face when Lisa took her picture.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[looks at the picture]'' Oh...! :''[Lisa's Mom looks at the picture --after she found the one picture that Lisa snapped on her-- then turns back to Lisa.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': I can see why. You took these pictures without getting people's permission first. :'''Lisa''': Mm-hmm. :'''Lisa's Mom''': That is an invasion of their privacy. :'''Lisa''': You mean, you do not like them either? :'''Lisa's Mom''': No, Lisa. I don't. They may be good photographs. But they aren't very nice ones. :'''Lisa''': Well, I think everyone in the building is a little too touchy around here. I am going to go put my pictures into an album. :''[Lisa runs off with the pile of pictures and into her room. Lisa's mom sits at the dining room table and takes out the photo of herself with face cream on --and an awkward expression-- then looks at it.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[When Lisa enters her room, she finds Corduroy snooping through her private stuff from her treasure chest. Corduroy had gotten Rosetta and Buckaroo to go in it so he could play pirates with them and use Lisa's treasure chest of private things as a treasure chest. But he was the one to go in it first without permission]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' Corduroy! ''[off-screen]'' What are you doing in my chest? :'''Rosetta and Buckaroo''': ''[sees Lisa]'' Uh-oh! :''[The closet door closes as Lisa is going to have a word to Corduroy about her private treasure chest. But Lisa only scolds Corduroy for it then has a word with him about her "treasure chest"]'' :'''Corduroy''': What did I do? :'''Lisa''': You snooped through my stuff, my private stuff, without asking! ''[off-screen]'' You must know better (in the first place). :'''Corduroy''': ''[sadly; to Lisa cause he know he should ask her next time]'' I'm sorry, Lisa. I guess I should have asked you first. ===Once, Twice, Ice / Sticks and Stones [1.11]=== :'''Lisa''': You're not Dr. Moppy, ''[feels Moppy's hair and picks up Corduroy]'' you're Sloppy Toppy! ''[giggles]'' :'''Moppy''': ''[puts his annoyed face to Lisa]'' Dr. Sloppy Toppy. :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling while holding Corduroy]'' Sloppy Toppy! ''[laughs]'' Sloppy Toppy needs a brush to brush his hair! <hr width=50% /> :''[After Lisa left her room so she can go to Moppy's place to listen to Moppy's violin, Corduroy and Buckaroo came to life]'' :'''Corduroy''': Why couldn't you move, Buckaroo? :'''Buckaroo''': ''[to Corduroy while trying to move again]'' I don't know! I keep getting stuck! :'''Corduroy''': ''[starts to laugh]'' Stuck? :'''Buckaroo''': Yeah that's right, stuck. :'''Corduroy''': Like a Stuckaroo, Buckaroo? :'''Buckaroo''': ''[muttering]'' Er-uh...heh. :'''Corduroy''': Stuckaroo, Stuckaroo ''[jumps up and down on Lisa's bed]'' his legs and feet are made of glue! ''[off-screen]'' Funny huh? :''[Corduroy, in total has called Buckaroo, "Stuckaroo" three times]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Moppy''': You don't want it anyway. All you talk about is pizza! :'''Lisa''': ''[giggles and calls Moppy a nickname "Sloppy Toppy"]'' Sloppy Toppy! :'''Moppy''': ''[calls Lisa a nickname back --in sense that Lisa is thinking about having pizza for lunch]'' Lisa Pizza! :''[Lisa then stops laughing and lets out a gasp after what Moppy just called her. Moppy had called Lisa a nickname. That is, which is "Lisa Pizza". Lisa gasps and says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[wants to know what Moppy called her]'' (Wait...?!) What did you call me?! :'''Moppy''': ''[still thinking it's funny, he repeats the nickname and says it four times at this]'' Lisa Pizza, Lisa Pizza, Lisa Pizza! :''[At first Lisa becomes awkward about the nickname --which was "Lisa Pizza"-- spoken by Moppy. But then looks rather upset right after Moppy calls her "Lisa Pizza". Meanwhile, the scene cuts to Lisa's room where Corduroy is trying to pull Buckaroo with a rope because Buckaroo's rockers can't move]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[after trying his best to make Buckaroo move again]'' Not again! :'''Buckaroo''': Mmm. ''[sees his rockers who are still stuck]'' I can't help it if my rockers are stuck. :'''Corduroy''': I guess. But that's because you're, ''[calls Buckaroo --for a fourth time-- a nickname "Stuckaroo"]'' Stuckaroo! ''[laughing]'' :'''Buckaroo''': That's, Buckaroo. (Not Stuckaroo.) :'''Corduroy''': ''[repeats the nickname for a fifth time]'' Buckaroo the Stuckaroo, his legs and feet are made of glue! :''[Corduroy has said "Stuckaroo" two more times at this. In total, he has said this name on Buckaroo five times]'' :'''Buckaroo''': Well, you're, you're...! ''[calls Corduroy a nickname back; in sense that Corduroy is pretending that he has a cast on his head from the pretend game "doctor" which he was playing with Lisa and Moppy on]'' You're a Boo-Boo Head! :''[Corduroy then stops laughing and lets out a gasp after what Buckaroo just called him. Buckaroo --after seeing Corduroy's pretend cast-- said that Corduroy was a "Boo-Boo Head". Meanwhile, the scene cuts back to Moppy's place where Lisa is still rather upset when Moppy called her "Lisa Pizza". Lisa knows what she just heard from Moppy when he said that nickname.]'' :'''Moppy''': ''[to Lisa; as he whips out an imaginary camera and forces her to smile at the "camera"]'' Hey, Lisa Pizza...! Smile for the camera! Say cheese! Get it? Pizza?! Cheese?! :''[Lisa pushes the kitchen table chair and stands up because she's going home]'' :'''Lisa''': It's not that funny. I'm going! :'''Moppy''': But what about your sandwich? Aren't you gonna eat it? :'''Lisa''': <big>'''I RATHER GO HOME THAN BEING CALLED "LISA PIZZA"!'''</big> :'''Moppy''': ''[gasping]'' <big>'''WELL, I RATHER GO HOME THAN BEING CALLED "SLOPPY TOPPY"!'''</big> :'''Lisa''': <big>'''(WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!) YOU ARE HOME!'''</big> :'''Moppy''': <big>'''OH YEAH?! WELL, I DO NOT LIKE BEING CALLED "SLOPPY TOPPY"! THAT IS, WHEREVER I AM!'''</big> :'''Lisa''': <big>'''OKAY, FINE!'''</big> :'''Moppy''': <big>'''FINE!'''</big> :''[Lisa opens the door as she exits Moppy's place. Then she angrily shuts the door.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': ''[crying because Moppy called her "Lisa Pizza"]'' I don't like being called "Lisa Pizza". :'''Lisa's Mom''': I know, hon. <hr width=50% /> :''[In the kitchen from Moppy's place, Moppy haven't touched nor eaten his "Sloppy Toppy" sandwich because he was feeling rather upset when Lisa called him a bad name; which was "Sloppy Toppy". Lisa opens the door and finds Moppy sitting on the kitchen table all alone]'' :'''Lisa''': Hi, Moppy, can I come in? :'''Moppy''': ''[sadly]'' I guess. :''[Lisa closes the door and sits on a kitchen table chair]'' :'''Lisa''': You hardly touched your sandwich (you made for yourself). :'''Moppy''': I don't feel like eating. :'''Lisa''': I know what you mean. ''[apologizing Moppy]'' I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. ''[tells Moppy that she will not call him "Sloppy Toppy" again]'' I won't call you "Sloppy Toppy" ever again. :'''Moppy''': ''[apologizing Lisa that he will not call her "Lisa Pizza" anymore]'' And I won't call you "Lisa Pizza" anymore. :''[Lisa smiles at Moppy. In Lisa's room, Buckaroo is looking outside the window all alone. Corduroy peeks from Lisa's bedroom door and finds Buckaroo all alone]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi, Buckaroo. :'''Buckaroo''': ''[thinks that Corduroy is still calling him a bad name; which was "Stuckaroo"]'' What did you say? :'''Corduroy''': I said, "Hi, Buckaroo". :'''Buckaroo''': You're not going to call me, that name anymore? :'''Corduroy''': No more (bad) name calling. ''[apologizing Buckaroo]'' Sorry. :'''Buckaroo''': ''[apologizing Corduroy for calling him a bad name earlier; which was "Boo-Boo Head"]'' Well, I shouldn't have called you a Boo-Boo Head. ===Super Duper Market / Party Plans [1.12]=== :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[reminds Lisa to add carrots to the list while checking the refrigerator]'' Could you add carrots please? :'''Lisa''': ''[spelling the word, "Carrots"]'' C-A-R-R-O-T-S. Carrots, got it! :'''Lisa's Mom''': And we're going to need more eggs if we're going to make those cupcakes! :'''Lisa''': ''[spelling the word, "Eggs"]'' E-G-G-S. Eggs. Mom, if we're going to make cupcakes, maybe we should get some candy sprinkles to put on top? :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[laughs]'' Okay. ''[closes the refrigerator door]'' I guess you better add those too. That's it then, let's get a move on. :'''Lisa''': I'm bringing Corduroy. Be right back! ''[leaves the kitchen to get Corduroy]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Oooh, brrr. Lucky you've got fur, it's kind of cold here. ''[went to get a carton of eggs]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' There's food everywhere! It's not a supermarket, it's a super duper market! Where do they get all this food? :'''Lisa''': From a whole bunch of farms. :'''Corduory''': ''[thinking]'' I've always wanted to visit a farm. :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, a herd of cows are eating grass. One cow moos]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' On the farm, there would be cows. :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Lots of cows! ''[mimics a cow mooing]'' Oh, and some chickens! :''[In the red barn, some chickens are pecking for food]'' :'''Lisa and Corduroy''': ''[singing "Lisa and Cordy had a farm"; their own version of "[[w:Old MacDonald Had a Farm|Old MacDonald Had a Farm]]"]'' ''♪ Lisa and Cordy had a farm, ♪'' :''♪ E-I-E-I-O! ♪'' :'''Lisa''': ''♪ And on their farm they had some chickens, ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' ''♪ E-I-E-I-O! ♪'' :'''Lisa''': ''♪ With a cluck cluck here, ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': ''♪ With a cluck cluck there, ♪'' :'''Lisa''': ''♪ Here a cluck, ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': ''♪ There a cluck, ♪'' :'''Lisa and Corduroy''': ''[together]'' ''♪ Everywhere a cluck cluck! ♪'' :''♪ Lisa and Cordy had a farm, ♪'' :''♪ E-I-E-I-O! ♪'' :''[Lisa and Corduroy as farmers leave the barn with a basket full of eggs]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa's Mom''': You have to be more careful. ''[seriously; about the floor that is wet and slippery]'' A wet floor is a slippery floor. :'''Lisa''': Don't worry, we're okay. Right, Cordy? :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Right! :'''Lisa's Mom''': I'm glad you're okay, Lisa. ''[points to that old lady who is not being careful]'' But what if you caused that lady to slip and fall? Remember, better safe and sorry. <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen; seeing the bear-shape peanut butter jar]'' Mmm, peanut butter! :''[Corduroy stood up in the cart and tries to peanut butter. He stops and sees one that looked exactly like him]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[giggling]'' The jars look just like me! :''[Lisa blinks her eyes as she watches Corduroy trying to get the peanut butter. Corduroy grabs the jar but loses his blanace]'' :'''Corduroy''': Whoops! :''[Lisa gasps in horror when her teddy bear needed help. She quickly catches him in her hands before he and the peanut butter falls to the floor]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[catches Corduroy as he's still holding the peanut butter]'' I've got you! :'''Corduroy''': And I got the peanut butter! :''[Corduroy and Lisa begin to laugh as Lisa puts Corduroy back on the cart so he care be more careful. Then Corduroy hands the peanut butter to Lisa]'' :'''Lisa''': Can we get some peanut butter, please? For Corduroy? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Only if he promises to share. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' I promise! :'''Lisa''': Cordy says yes. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy are talking about the dangerous acts which they were fooling around with.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[mentions one of them which was the automatic door area in the supermarket]'' Yeah. But what if the doors were mixed up when they were supposed to open? <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Being safe is better than being sorry. :'''Lisa''': From now on, we are going to do things the safe way. Then we won't have to be sorry. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' What more could a bear ask for? <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[after his friends can't play with him today]'' Why don't they want to play with me (today)? ''[pause]'' I must be sad. I don't like being sad. :''[In Corduroy's flashback, he was sitting on a toy shelf in the toy store surrounding by toys who were also on the shelf with him. This part is loosely from the [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]] book; [[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]] from the Corduroy book series]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[voice over]'' I used to sad when I lived in the toy store (back then). I waited everyday (and everynight) for somebody to take me home. Then, one day--- :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Mom, look! ''[on-screen]'' That's the very bear I've always wanted. :'''Lisa's Mom''': Not today, dear. I've spend too much already. ''[about Corduroy who doesn't look like new because he's missing a button from one of the shoulder straps]'' Besides he doesn't look new. ''[off-screen]'' He's lost the button to one of his shoulder straps. :'''Lisa''': ''[gets Corduroy out of the toy shelf]'' But he's got sparkly eyes ''[off-screen]'' and a real nice smile. ''[on-screen]'' He's perfect. ''[to her mother]'' I've saved up my own money. Can't I buy him, please? :''[In Lisa's room, Lisa opens her bedroom door and welcomes Corduroy to his new home]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[welcoming Corduroy to her bedroom from her place in the apartment]'' Welcome to your new home, Corduroy. :''[Corduroy was surprised when he sees Lisa's room for the very first time]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Wow! ''[on-screen; turns to Lisa and hugs her]'' You must be a friend, I've always wanted a friend. :'''Lisa''': ''[happily; to Corduroy]'' Me too! :''[Back in the present day, Corduroy started to sniff sadly as he begins sobbing]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[becomes heartbroken as tears rolls down his cheeks]'' Maybe nobody wants to be friends with me anymore. ''[closes the linen closet door]'' :'''NOTE''': This is the second of the two episodes (the second episode after "Mop Top") where Corduroy cries. ===Finder's Keepers / Between the Covers [1.13]=== :''[In the final episode of the TV series, what Lisa's Mom states to Lisa, it refers to the first episode from way back in the start of the said series. That is, which was "Lost and Found". After all, this episode "Finders Keepers / Between the Covers" is the final episode of the series.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Lisa]'' Do you remember the time when you lost Corduroy? :'''Lisa''': Yes. The subway conductor found Cordy and took him to the lost and found. :'''Lisa's Mom''': How would you have felt if that conductor decided to keep Corduroy for himself? :'''Lisa''': I guess you are right, Mom. :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[about J.R]'' Let's check J.R's collar again. Sometimes an owner might put some identification on the other side of a pet's tag. ''[checks the other side of J.R's tag]'' Here we go. A phone number. :''[Although Lisa had not known who J.R the dog belonged to, Lisa's Mom checks the other side of J.R's collar. The other side of the collar shows his correct owner's name and the phone number to call if he gets lost. Lisa's Mom goes over to the telephone to call the phone number]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa's room, Lisa is reading the last lines and pages of the story "[[w:Goldilocks and the Three Bears|Goldilocks and the Three Bears]]" --a story from her library book.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[reading]'' And Baby Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed! And she still is!". Goldilocks, woke up at once. And she saw three bears all staring down at her. <big>"'''AAAAH!'''"</big>, screamed Goldilocks. She jumped out of Baby Bear's bed and ran out the door. And she never was seen again. Papa Bear and Mama Bear spooned some of the leftover porridge (from the porridge pot). And they put it into Baby Bear's empty bowl (after Goldilocks ate up all his porridge). Then the happy bears (who never saw Goldilocks again), they all sat down to breakfast. At last, everything was just right. (As for Goldilocks, from that day on, she never touched anything that didn't belong to her.) :'''Corduroy''': The end. :''[Lisa and Corduroy have finished their story. Indeed, according to the story --and at the end-- after Goldilocks left the bears's house, she --from then on-- never touched things that didn't belong to her again. She stopped being stubborn, traded in her tricks, and did exactly what her parents told her. As for the three bears, they put a lock on their door. And they never knew what a favor they had done for Goldilocks. In fact, they --the bears-- never saw her again. After they finish reading it, Lisa closes the book at looks at her plate of chocolate chip cookies. She finds her chocolate chip cookies almost all gone. It's just one half eaten chocolate chip cookie on the cookie plate. This is like the part from the said story --the part where Goldilocks ate up Baby Bear's porridge. As a result, Lisa and Corduroy are in a short act out from the said story in Lisa's room before going to bed. Corduroy --had all along-- eaten Lisa's cookies. That is, just like how Goldilocks from the story ate up Baby Bear's porridge.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[recites a line from her story as she pretends to be like Baby Bear]'' Hey! (My chocolate chip cookies!) Somebody has been tasting my cookies! (And it's all gone!) :'''Corduroy''': Uh-oh...! :''[Corduroy cleans and dusts off the cookie crumbs away by using his paw after tasting Lisa's cookies and eating almost all of them like in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".]'' :'''Corduroy''': I wonder who did that! :'''Lisa''': ''[pretends to be like Baby Bear]'' Somebody has been drinking my milk! And there is hardly any left! :'''Corduroy''': ''[giggling; has pretended to be Goldilocks when he ate up Lisa's cookies and drank up her milk]'' (It was me!) Just like in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears"! (Just like how Goldilocks did this to Baby Bear in the said story! She ate up all of Baby Bear's porridge, broke his chair, and slept in his bed!) :'''Lisa''': ''[makes her own version of the said story; calling it "Lisa Locks and the Cordy Bear"]'' It should be "Lisa-Locks and the Cordy Bear". :''[As a result, Lisa has replaced the word "Goldilocks" and "Three Bears" in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" with "Lisa Locks" and "Cordy Bear" respectively and repronounces and renames the title "Lisa Locks and the Cordy Bear". In the imagined flashback, Lisa --who is pretending to be Goldilocks and is "Lisa Locks"-- her long hair is down and has curls. That is, just like how Goldilocks had her blonde hair in curls.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, which takes Lisa and Corduroy to the said fairy tale "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" with Lisa calling it "Lisa Locks and the Cordy Bear", Corduroy as "Baby Bear" finds Lisa-Locks in his tiny bed. This is also like in the book. That is, the part where Goldilocks slept in Baby Bear's bed. In the imagination, Lisa Locks slept in Corduroy's bed]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[as "Baby Bear" and finds Lisa in her own version of "Goldilocks" called "Lisa Locks"]'' Hey! Somebody has been sleeping in my bed! (And there she is!) She must be Lisa Locks! ==Voice cast== * Asa Perlman as Corduroy, Lisa's stuffed bear. * Alesha Morrison as Lisa, Corduroy's owner and friend. * Camille James as Lisa's Mom. * [[w:Diane Fabian|Diane Fabian]] as Rosetta, the toy mouse. * [[w:Len Carlson|Len Carlson]] as Buckaroo, the rocking horse. * [[w:Jake Goldsbie|Jake Goldsbie]] as Marty "Moppy", Lisa's friend. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Chinese animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Chinese children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:TVOntario shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about horses]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about mice and rats]] mct0f8g1bmfththiacct5a4s08k2x5v 0 204221 3944188 3508917 2026-05-22T14:13:52Z Wickey 41098 /* Quotes */ 3944188 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Gideon Levi - Acre Festival 2011.jpg|thumb|There can be no [[political prisoners]] in a [[democracy]], nor [[w:Indefinite detention without trial|detention without trial]] in a [[w:rule of law|state of law]]. ... Political prisoners, detention without trial and unlimited imprisonment define [[tyranny]].]] '''{{w|Gideon Levy}}''' ([[w:Hebrew language|Hebrew]]: גדעון לוי; born 2 June 1953) is an Israeli journalist and author. Levy writes opinion pieces and a weekly column for the newspaper ''{{w|Haaretz}}'' that often focus on the [[w:Israeli-occupied territories|Israeli occupation]] of the {{w|Palestinian territories}}. ==Quotes== ==="This Biography Makes It Clear: The Founder of the Palestinian Popular Front Was Right" (15 April 2018)=== :<small>[https://www.haaretz.com/middle-east-news/palestinians/.premium-biography-makes-it-clear-this-palestinian-leftist-leader-was-right-1.5994244 "This Biography Makes It Clear: The Founder of the Palestinian Popular Front Was Right"], ''{{w|Haaretz}}'' (15 April 2018)</small>: * It's [[impossible]] not to [[admire]] a [[person]] who [[devoted]] his [[life]] to his [[ideas]]. * What [[good]] have all of [[Yasser Arafat|Arafat]]’s [[compromises]] done for the [[Palestinian]] [[people]]? What came out of the recognition of Israel, of the settling for a Palestinian state on 22 percent of [[w:Palestinian territories|the territory]], of the negotiations]] with [[Zionism and the United States? Nothing but the entrenchment of the [[w:Israeli-occupied territories|Israeli occupation]] and the strengthening and massive development of the [[w:Israeli settlement|settlement]] project. In retrospect, it makes [[sense]] to [[think]] that if that's how things were, maybe it would have been better to follow the uncompromising [[path]] taken by [[w:George Habash|Habash]], who for most of his life didn't agree to any [[negotiations]] with [[Israel]], who believed that with Israel it was only possible to negotiate by force, who thought Israel would only change its positions if it paid a price, who dreamed of a single, [[democratic]] and {{w|secular state}} of [[w:Equality before the law|equal rights]] and refused to discuss anything but that. Unfortunately, Habash was [[Correct|right]]. It's hard to [[know]] what would have happened had the Palestinians followed his path, but it's [[impossible]] not to admit that the alternative has been a resounding [[failure]]. * [[w:1948 Arab–Israeli War|A war was on]]. ... On July 14 he [[1948 Palestinian exodus|was expelled from his home]] with the rest of his [[family]]. He [[never]] [[returned]] to the [[city]] he [[loved]]. He never [[forgot]] the scenes of {{w|Lod}} in 1948, nor did he forget the idea of [[Resistance movement|violent resistance]]. Can the Israeli [[reader]] [[understand]] how he [[felt]]? * Not much is left of his ideas. What has come of the [[w:Scientific socialism|scientific]] [[idealism]] and the [[w:Politicized issue|politicization]] of the [[masses]], the [[class struggle]] and the {{w|anti-imperialism}}, the {{w|Maoism}} and of course the [[transformation]] of the [[struggle]] against Israel into an [[armed struggle]], which according to the plans was supposed to develop from {{w|guerrilla warfare}} into a [[w:Wars of national liberation|national war of liberation]]? Fifty [[years]] after the founding of the [[w:Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine|PFLP]] and 10 years after the [[w:George Habash#Death|death of its founder]], what remains? Habash's successor, {{w|Abu Ali Mustafa}}, was [[Targeted killing|assassinated]] by Israel in 2001; his successor’s successor, [[w:Ahmad Sa'adat|Ahmad Saadat]], has been in an [[w:Israel Prison Service|Israeli prison]] since 2006 and very little remains of the PFLP. During all my decades covering the Israeli occupation, the most [[impressive]] figures I met belonged to the PFLP, but now not much remains except fragments of [[dreams]]. The PFLP is a negligible minority in intra-Palestinian politics, a movement that once thought to demand equal [[power]] with {{w|Fatah}} and its [[leader]], Arafat. And the occupation? It's strong and thriving and its end looks further off than ever. If that isn’t failure, what is? * I felt very sorry that I had not met this man. ** About {{w|George Habash}}. === "In a Democracy, Palestinian Lawmaker Khalida Jarrar Would Be Free" (21 June 2018) === :<small>[https://www.haaretz.com/opinion/.premium-in-a-democracy-palestinian-lawmaker-khalida-jarrar-would-be-free-1.6197028 "In a Democracy, Palestinian Lawmaker Khalida Jarrar Would Be Free"], ''{{w|Haaretz}}'' (June 21, 2018)</small>: * The continued [[w:Palestinian prisoners in Israel|detention]] of [[w:Palestinian Legislative Council|Palestinian parliament]] member {{w|Khalida Jarrar}} can no longer be presented as a worrisome exception on [[w:Jewish and democratic state|Israel’s democratic]] landscape. Nor can the incredible [[w:Moral blindness|public apathy]] and almost total absence of media coverage of her plight be dismissed any longer as a general lack of interest in what Israel does to the Palestinians. The usual repression and denial cannot explain it either. Jarrar’s detention doesn’t only define what is happening in Israel’s dark backyard, it is part of its glittering display window. Jarrar defines democracy and the {{w|rule of law}} in Israel. Her imprisonment is an inseparable part of the Israeli regime and it is the face of Israeli democracy, no less than its free [[w:Elections in Israel|elections]] (for some of its subjects) or the [[w:Pride parade#Israel|pride parades]] that wind through its streets. Jarrar is the Israeli regime no less than the [[w:Basic Law: Human Dignity and Liberty|Basic Law on Human Dignity and Liberty]]. Jarrar is Israeli democracy without makeup and adornments. The lack of interest in her fate is also characteristic of the regime. A legislator in prison through no fault of her own is a [[political prisoner]] in every way, and political prisoners defined by the regime. '''There can be no political prisoners in a democracy, nor [[w:Indefinite detention without trial|detention without trial]] in a state of law.''' Thus Jarrar’s imprisonment is not only a black stain on the Israeli regime; it’s an inseparable part of it. * She is perhaps the bravest woman living today under Israeli control. ** About {{w|Khalida Jarrar}}. * Jarrar could end up spending the rest of her life in prison; there is no legal impediment to this since all the pathetic arguments used to justify her continued detention could be deemed valid indefinitely. If she’s dangerous today, she’s dangerous forever. '''Political prisoners, detention without trial and unlimited imprisonment define [[tyranny]].''' * The resistance should no longer be directed solely against the occupation. The resistance is to the regime in place in Israel. Her imprisonment is the regime and she opposes the regime under whose boots she lives. * All those who support her continued detention, anyone who is silent while she remains in jail, and all those who make her detention possible are saying: Forget democracy. That’s not what we are. Get used to it. ===2023=== * The greatest threat facing Israel is the democratic threat. There is no greater danger to the regime in Israel than its turning into a democracy. There is no society that opposes democracy like Israeli society. There are plenty of regimes opposed to democracy, but not a free society. In Israel the people, the sovereign, is opposed to democracy. This is why the current struggle, which presumes to be about democracy, is a masquerade. ** [https://www.haaretz.com/opinion/2023-03-23/ty-article-opinion/.highlight/israelis-know-that-true-democracy-will-spell-the-end-of-zionism/00000187-0b26-d1cf-a7af-fffe6f6a0000 "Israelis Know That True Democracy Will Spell the End of Zionism"], ''Haaretz'' (23 March 2023) *When Israelis start asking themselves if they really want to continue living like this, alternatives will pop up. There are no miracle solutions and no guarantees of success. There's only one thing for sure: The alternatives have never been tried. We never thought about acting with self-control and restraint. It's for the weak. We never asked what's the outcome of all the killings and the assassinations. We never probed whether these wars contributed anything to our security, or whether they only fractured it. Now the jihad is already coming at Tel Aviv, and from under siege. One day people will learn to appreciate the determination and courage of those who managed to establish such a resistance force while inside a cage, even if we continue to scream and scream "murderous organizations." ** [https://www.haaretz.com/opinion/2023-05-14/ty-article-opinion/.premium/do-israelis-really-want-to-go-on-living-like-this/00000188-1725-d8d1-aff8-bf756dc50000 "Do Israelis Really Want to Go on Living Like This?"], ''Haaretz'' (14 May 2023) *Sedil Naghniyeh, 15, was standing on the roof of her house in the Jenin refugee camp with her father Adnan to watch the goings-on. An IDF soldier shot her in the head as her father looked on and on Wednesday she succumbed to her wounds... Sedil was a pretty girl, born and raised in the Jenin camp. Her father is the maintenance director of the camp’s Freedom Theater. The theater’s former director, Jonathan Stanchek, an Israeli now residing in Sweden, mourned Sedil on Wednesday. Her family had been his close neighbors during the 10 years he and his family lived in the camp.... Stanchek says he never heard the father utter an angry word at the Jews or the Israelis, even though three times they tore down his house, his brother had been killed, his son is in prison and on Wednesday his daughter died. ** [https://www.haaretz.com/opinion/2023-06-22/ty-article-opinion/.premium/comparing-israeli-and-palestinian-deaths/00000188-df30-df52-a79d-df330b700000 "Comparing Israeli and Palestinian Deaths"], ''Haaretz'' (22 June 2023) *When the next war is over Maj. [Shira] Eting will again come to the city square and speak passionately about values, freedom and equality. Then she will be interviewed again by Stahl, who was moved to tears by the principled pilot, and will tell her how much easier it is to kill children under a center-left government. When it orders pilots to bomb, they will do so without batting an eyelash, as they did in [[w:Gaza War (2008–2009)|Operation Cast Lead]] (344 children killed) and in [[w:2014 Gaza War|Operation Protective Edge]] (518 children, 180 of them 5 or younger. Who killed the 180 young children? Eting and her comrades. They did so in Protective Edge under Prime Minister [[Benjamin Netanyahu]], Defense Minister [[w:Moshe Ya’alon|Moshe Ya’alon]] and Chief of Staff [[Benny Gantz]] and in Cast Lead under Prime Minister [[Ehud Olmert]], Defense Minister [[Ehud Barak]] and Chief of Staff [[w:Gabi Ashkenazi|Gabi Ashkenazi]] ** [https://www.haaretz.com/opinion/2023-09-20/ty-article-opinion/.premium/the-perfect-israeli-reservist-from-60-minutes-has-childrens-blood-on-her-hands/0000018a-b3bc-d13d-a98f-fbbda85e0000 "The 'Perfect' Israeli Reservist From '60 Minutes' Has Palestinian Children's Blood on Her Hands"], ''Haaretz'' (20 September 2023) ===Oxford Union Debate=== (The Motion: This House Believes a Two-State Solution in the Middle East is Unattainable.) *(An audience member wanted to raise a point of information.) No, no. I need to solve here an occupation of 50 years in 10 minutes and you'll take two minutes of (my time)? ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Gideon Levi}} * [https://www.haaretz.com/misc/writers/1.4968119 Gideon Levy's articles at ''Haaretz'']. {{DEFAULTSORT:Levy, Gideon}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Journalists from Israel]] [[Category:Jews from Israel]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Political authors]] [[Category:People from Tel Aviv]] 2i7mydu81j4j6anze0o09c5s3is1m07 14 204382 3944397 2425744 2026-05-23T07:18:06Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United States]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944397 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikipedia}} {{Wikipedia|Category:Democratic Party (United States)}} See also: [[Democratic Party (United States)]] [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] [[Category:Liberalism]] jyxxw3e01pag9tqmhyagef9a79h2dte 14 204384 3944400 2391491 2026-05-23T07:18:23Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United States]]; 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added [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944388 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikipedia|Labour Party (UK)}} {{Sister project links|Category:Labour Party (UK)}} [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Social democracy]] j10ateet9ts9c7p17nlfpw4kx8jzax0 14 204443 3944389 3389673 2026-05-23T07:14:22Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United Kingdom]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944389 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikipedia|Liberal Democrat (UK)}} {{Sister project links|Category:Liberal Democrat (UK)}} [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Liberalism]] 9st2tdeo5d2ag52pmktoreqbdvvmpu4 14 204444 3944386 2668951 2026-05-23T07:14:02Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United Kingdom]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944386 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikipedia|Conservative Party (UK)}} {{Sister project links|Category:Conservative Party (UK)}} [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conservatism in the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Liberalism]] 6fdlahyxcskqw92boxrjgipstcx2yc4 14 204446 3944387 2396483 2026-05-23T07:14:10Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United Kingdom]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944387 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikipedia|Green Party of England and Wales}} {{Sister project links|Category:Green Party of England and Wales}} [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Eco-socialism]] [[Category:Democratic socialism]] cotwc12bqmmvccxkf3r4079cbp2xv4m 14 204948 3944398 2396500 2026-05-23T07:18:11Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United States]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944398 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikipedia|Green Party of the United States}} {{Wikipedia|Category:Green Party of the United States}} [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] [[Category:Democratic socialism]] [[Category:Eco-socialism]] [[Category:Market socialism]] [[Category:Socialist feminism]] [[Category:Pacifism]] 7t8cya4xfq25isk1q0tsb4h6b89yh6u 0 205597 3944227 3939775 2026-05-22T16:00:23Z ~2026-21077-47 3308386 /* Pilot [1.01] */ 3944227 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Breaking Bad (season 1)|1]] [[Breaking Bad (season 2)|2]] [[Breaking Bad (season 3)|3]] [[Breaking Bad (season 4)|4]] [[Breaking Bad (season 5)|5]] | [[Breaking Bad|'''Main''']] ---- [[File:Breaking Bad logo simplified.png|thumb|It's just basic chemistry]] [[File:Dry brush portrait of Walter White from Breaking Bad by SD (2015).jpg|thumb| My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now.]] [[File:Toyota Tacoma & Fleetwood Bounder Motorhome in the Desert Southwest - panoramio (1804).jpg |thumb|Man, some straight like you, giant stick up his ass, all of a sudden at age what, 60, he's just gonna break bad?]] '''''[[w:Breaking Bad|Breaking Bad]]''''' (2008–2013) was a critically acclaimed American [[w:AMC (TV channel)|AMC]] drama about a 50-year-old high school [[chemistry]] teacher, Walter White, (played by [[w:Bryan Cranston|Bryan Cranston]]) who discovers that he has terminal lung cancer. Walter decides to use his extensive knowledge of chemistry to enter the drug trade and produce [[w:crystal methamphetamine|crystal methamphetamine]], using the profits to provide for his family after his death. The term to "break bad" is American Southeast slang meaning to turn against one's previously lawful lifestyle for one of criminal acts, usually at the cost of someone else's life or well-being. === ''[[w:Pilot (Breaking Bad)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === [[File:Blue Crystal Meth.jpg|thumb| This is glass-grade. You got... Jesus, you got crystals two, three inches long. This is pure glass! You're a goddamn artist! This is... this is art, Mr. White!]] :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now. Skyler, you are the love of my life. I hope you know that. Walter Junior, you're my big man. There are... there are going to be some things that you'll come to learn about me in the next few days. I just want you to know that no–no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Why are you here? :'''Walter''': I was curious. Honestly, I never expected you to amount to much, but [[W:methamphetamine|methamphetamine]]? I didn't picture that. There's a lot of money in it, huh? :'''Jesse''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Walter''': No? :'''Jesse''': Not a clue. :'''Walter''': "Cap'n Cook?" That's not you? Like I said, no one is looking for you. :'''Jesse''': Look, I don't know what you think you're doing here, Mr. White. I mean, if you're planning on giving me some bull-winder about getting right with Jesus by turning myself in... :'''Walter''': Not really. :'''Jesse''': High school was a long time ago, okay? You ain't ''[[w:Welcome Back, Kotter|Welcome Back, Kotter]]'', so step off. No speeches. :'''Walter''': Short speech. You lost your partner today. What's his name–Emilio? Emilio is going to prison. The DEA took all your money, your lab. You got nothing. Square one. But you know the business. And I know the chemistry. I'm thinking... maybe you and I could partner up. :'''Jesse''': You, uh... you want to cook crystal meth? You. You and, uh... and me? :'''Walter''': That's right. Either that... or I turn you in. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Walter''': Did you learn nothing from my chemistry class? :'''Jesse''': No. You flunked me, remember? :'''Walter''': No wonder. :'''Jesse''': Prick! And let me tell you something else, this ain't chemistry. This is art. Cooking is art. And the shit I cook is the bomb, so don't be telling me. :'''Walter''': The shit you cook is shit. I saw your set-up. Ridiculous. You and I will not make garbage. We will produce a chemically pure and stable product that performs as advertised. No adulterants. No [[w:baby formula|baby formula]]. No chili powder. :'''Jesse''': No, no, chili P is my signature, man! :'''Walter''': Not anymore. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Walter withdraws his life savings and takes them to Jesse's car]'' :'''Jesse''': Dude, this isn't even seven grand, alright? My guy wants eighty-five. :'''Walter''': This is all the money I have in the world. You're a drug dealer. ''Negotiate''. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Y-You are not how I remember you from class. I mean, like, not at all. :'''Walter''': Yeah, well, I gotta go. :'''Jesse''': Wait, wait, hold up! ''[leans out the car window]'' Tell me why you're doing this. Seriously. :'''Walter''': Why do you do it? :'''Jesse''': Money! Mainly. :'''Walter''': There you go. :'''Jesse''': Nah, come on... Man, some straight like you, giant stick up his ass, all of a sudden at age what, 60, he's just gonna break bad? :'''Walter''': I'm 50. :'''Jesse''': It's ''weird'', is all, okay? It doesn't compute. Listen, if you've gone crazy or something; I mean, if y–if you've gone crazy or depressed, I'm just saying... th–that's something I need to know about, okay? I mean, that affects me. :'''Walter''': I am ''awake''. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' What? :'''Walter''': Buy the RV. We start tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jesse records Walter cooking in his underwear with a camcorder]'' :'''Jesse''': Wow, this is a really great look for you. I mean, you're maybe only the world's second-biggest homo. :'''Walter''': Shut up and help me. :'''Jesse''': ''[zooming in on Walt's underwear]'' Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Work it, baby, work it. :'''Walter''': ''[notices Jesse recording him and tries to grab the camcorder]'' Turn that off! <Hr width=“50% “/> :'''Jesse''': This is glass-grade. You got... Jesus, you got crystals in here two inches, three inches long. This is pure glass! You're a goddamn artist! This-this is ''art'', Mr. White! :'''Walter''': Actually, it's just basic chemistry. But thank you, Jesse, I'm glad it's acceptable. :'''Jesse''': "Acceptable"? You're the goddamn [[Iron Chef]]! Every chiphead from here to Timbaktu's going to want a taste! === ''[[w:Cat's in the Bag...|Cat's in the Bag]]'' [1.02] === [[File:Hydrogen fluoride.JPG|thumb| I'm sorry, what were you asking me? Oh, yes, that ''"stupid plastic container"'' I asked you to buy. You see, [[w:hydrofluoric acid|hydrofluoric acid]] won't eat through plastic; it will however dissolve metal, rock, glass, ceramic... so there's that. ]] :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': After we finish cleaning up this mess, we will go our separate ways. Our paths will never cross and we will tell this to no one. Understood? :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Oh what, I can talk now? ''[pause]'' Fine! That goes double for me! :''[Walter and Jesse hear a moan. They turn around and notice Krazy-8 is still barely alive]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, shit. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': Who's this Jesse Pinkman to you? :'''Walter''': He... sells me pot. :'''Skyler''': He sells you pot? :'''Walter''': Marijuana, yeah. Not a lot. I mean, I don't know. I kind of like it. :'''Skyler''': Are you out of your mind? What are you, like sixteen years old? Your brother-in-law is a DEA agent! What is wrong with you? :'''Walter''': Skyler, I just... haven't quite been myself lately. :'''Skyler''': Yeah, no shit. Thanks for noticing. :'''Walter''': I haven't been myself lately, but I love you. Nothing about that has changed, nothing ever will. So right now, what I need is for you to climb down out of my ass. Can you do that? Will you do that for me, honey? Will you please, just once, get off my ass, you know? I'd appreciate it, I really would. <hr width="50%" /> :''[As Jesse is moving Emilio's body, Skyler drives up to his house and approaches his gate]'' :'''Skyler''': Excuse me? 'Scuse me? Excuse me, you. ''[Jesse nervously looks up and around]'' Yes, you. May I talk to you? :''[Skyler enters the driveway and Jesse quickly runs over to her]'' :'''Jesse''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is private property! :'''Skyler''': Just a minute. I–I want to talk to you. :'''Jesse''': Nope. Nope, not interested. Come on! :''[Jesse grabs Skyler's arm and she pulls away, backing off]'' :'''Skyler''': Hey, don't touch me! Do not... touch me! :'''Jesse''': Alright! Alright, look! Not touching, 'kay? Not touching here! Look, lady. Whatever you're selling, I ain't buyin', yo. :'''Skyler''': Well, my name is Skyler White, yo. My husband is Walter White, ''yo''. Uh-huh. He told me everything. :'''Jesse''': Seriously? :'''Skyler''': That's right. And just so you know, my brother-in-law is a DEA agent. And I will not hesitate to call him. Not if I have to. Understood? ''[brief pause; Jesse is silent]'' This is your one and only warning. Do not... sell marijuana to my husband. :'''Jesse''': ''[pause]'' Okay? :'''Skyler''': I mean it. Don't call our house again. You stay away from him, or you will be one sorry individual. You get me? :'''Jesse''': Uh, I... think so. Yeah. Uh, no more marijuana. I can–I can dig it. :'''Skyler''': ''[softly, while nodding]'' You can dig it. Wonderful. :''[Skyler and Jesse awkwardly stare each other down as Skyler starts walking away. She turns back around when she reaches Jesse’s gate.]'' :'''Skyler''': Not that it's any of my business, but... you might want to consider a different line of work. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jesse''': You got a brother in the goddamn DEA?! :'''Walter''': What? :'''Jesse''': You said you were just doing some ride-along! Yes or no, do you have a brother in the DEA? :'''Walter''': Brother-in-law. :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, now there's a load off my mind. :'''Walter''': Where did you hear that? :'''Jesse''': Your freakin' wife told me when she was here all up on my shit! Yeah, that's right. She almost caught me moving Emilio! Good job wearing the pants in the family! And why did you go telling her I was selling you weed? :'''Walt''': Because somehow it seemed preferable to admitting that I cook crystal meth and killed a man. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Walter''': ''[after Jesse's ceiling caves in, dumping bloody offal onto the floor]'' I'm sorry, what were you asking me? Oh, yes, that ''"stupid plastic container"'' I asked you to buy. You see, [[w:hydrofluoric acid|hydrofluoric acid]] won't eat through plastic; it will however dissolve metal, rock, glass, ceramic... so there's that. === ''[[w:...And the Bag's in the River|...And the Bag's in the River]]'' [1.03] === [[File:Human.svg|thumb|The soul? There's nothing but chemistry here.]] :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': We've got work to do. :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': No, no! You! ''You've'' got work to do! I did my part! :'''Walter''': You mean that obscenity that I spent the last two hours cleaning up?! ''That'' is your contribution?! :'''Jesse''': Yo, kiss my pink ass, man! I didn't ask for any of this! How am I supposed to live here now, huh?! My whole house smells like toe cheese and dry cleaning! :'''Walter''': Because you didn't follow my instructions! :'''Jesse''': Oh well, heil Hitler, bitch! And let me tell you something else. We flipped a coin, okay? You and me. You and me! Coin flip is sacred! Your job is waiting for you in that basement, as per the coin! Fucking do it already! <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': You know who lives in the palace? Meth-heads. Nasty, skeevy meth-heads who'd sell their grandma's coochie for a hit. ''[Walter Jr. chuckles]'' Oh, you think that's funny? That's funny, huh? Yeah. Let me tell you something. Every one of these miserable wastes of skin got started how? How do you think they started? :'''[[w:Walter White, Jr.|Walter Jr.]]''': I don't know. :'''Hank''': What do you think it was they were all doing before they graduated to shooting meth in their dicks? A gateway drug. That's what we call it. Dollars to doughnuts, and I shit you not, that gateway drug was marijuana, every time. You understand? :'''Walter Jr.''': Um... Yeah. So, why are you telling me this? :'''Hank''': 'Cause I love you, you little bastard. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Krazy-8''': Walter, you getting to know me is not gonna make it any easier for you to kill me. Not that I mind, you understand. :'''Walter''': You know, you keep telling me that I don't have it in me. Well, maybe, maybe not. I sure as hell am looking for any reason not to. I mean, any good reason at all. Sell me. Tell me what it is. :'''Krazy-8''': I guess I'd start off by promising that if you let me go, I won't come after you. That you'd be safe. I guess I'd say what happened between us never happened. And what's best for both parties is we forget all about it. But you know that anybody in my situation would make promises like that, and though in my case they happen to be true, you'd never know for sure. So what else can I tell you? :'''Walter''': I don't know. But you gotta convince me and you're going nowhere until you do. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Walter approaches Krazy-8, now aware he is hiding a shattered plate piece to stab Walter once released]'' :'''Krazy-8''': You're doing the right thing, Walter. :'''Walter''': Do you want to... ''[motions for Krazy-8 to turn around so he can unlock the chain; Krazy-8 turns around]'' So, you're not angry? :'''Krazy-8''': How do you mean? Angry? No. Live and let live, man. :'''Walter''': That's very understanding. :'''Krazy-8''': Whatever, man. I just want to go home. :'''Walter''': Me, too. :'''Krazy-8''': Unlock me, Walter. :'''Walter''': The moment I do, are you gonna stick me with that broken piece of plate? :''[Walter pulls back on the lock, choking Krazy-8. Krazy-8 attempts to swing the plate piece behind him but can only stab Walter's leg a few times. Krazy-8 slowly dies]'' :'''Walter''': I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%" /> :''[In a flashback to Walter's younger days]'' :'''Walter''': I don't know. Just... doesn't it seem like... something's missing? :'''Gretchen''': What about the soul? :'''Walter''': The soul? There's nothing but chemistry here. === ''[[w:Cancer Man (Breaking Bad)|Cancer Man]]'' [1.04] === :'''[[w:Hank Schrader|Hank]]''': So be on notice. We got new players in town. We don't know who they are, where they come from, but they possess an extremely high skill-set. Me personally? I'm thinking Albuquerque just might have a new kingpin. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': I have cancer. Lung cancer. It's bad. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Walter sees Jesse sneak into his backyard]'' :'''Walter''': You can't be serious. What the hell are you doing here? :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Yo, I waited 'til the ball buster left. I mean, no offense. :'''Walter''': Who sent you? You wearing a wire? You setting me up?! ''[aggressively pats down Jesse, who pushes him off]'' :'''Jesse''': Homo. ''[incredulously]'' A wire? You want a wire? I got a wire. ''[grabs crotch]'' Speak into the mic, bitch! ''[Walter shoves him again]'' What the hell's wrong with you? "A wire." Jesus! :'''Walter''': So who did you tell about– :'''Jesse''': Nobody! What are you, nuts? :'''Walter''': Then why are you here? :'''Jesse''': I don't know. To like... touch base— :'''Walter''': Touch base? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, you know...what you call... a debrief? Maybe we could like... I thought we could debrief. :'''Walter''': Wow, that's... that's what you think we need, to debrief? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, after what happened, it just seems like the thing to do. Kind of, you know, talk about it. We can't talk to anybody else. Anyway, that and I wanted to... I wanted to tell you how much everybody digs that meth we cooked. :'''Walter''': Everybody digs... the meth we cooked? :'''Jesse''': Seriously, I got dudes that would give their left nut for a little more. :'''Walter''': Great. :'''Jesse''': I'm just saying, if you ever...saw your way clear to... you know, you and I... cooking a little more. :'''Walter''': Get the hell off my property. :'''Jesse''': What? I'm just saying. :'''Walter''': Go and don't come back. Now! :'''Jesse''': Alright. You know what? ''[Jesse takes out a wad of cash]'' Four grand. Your share from selling that batch. That's why I'm here. Yeah, that's right. I didn't smoke it all. :''[Jesse tosses the money into Walter's pool and leaves]'' <Hr width=“50% “/> '''Walter Jr.''': You’re being a pussy! All this stuff I’ve been through, and you’re scared of a little chemotherapy? <Hr width=“50% “/> :'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': Can I call them and tell them you'll start next week? :'''Walter''': I just think that we need to... discuss it a little more, that's all. :'''Skyler''': What is there to discuss? You're going to get the best treatment and he's the best. :'''Walter''': Well, there's the money discussion. $90,000 out of pocket. Maybe more. :'''Skyler''': There's a way, Walt. There's financing, there's installment plans. I could always go back to work. Walt, there's always a way. :'''Walter''': Alright. Skyler, say that there is a way, and we spend all that money, and... am I supposed to leave you with all that debt? I just don't want emotions ruling us. Maybe treatment isn't the way to go. :'''Walter Jr.''': Then why don't you just fucking die already? Just give up and die. === ''[[w:Gray Matter (Breaking Bad)|Gray Matter]]'' [1.05] === [[File:Breast cancer cell (2).jpg|thumb|These doctors... talking about surviving. One year, two years, like it's the only thing that matters. But what good is it, to just survive if I am too sick to work, to enjoy a meal, to make love? For what time I have left, I want to live in my own house. I want to sleep in my own bed. I don't wanna choke down 30 or 40 pills every single day, lose my hair, and lie around too tired to get up... and so nauseated that I can't even move my head.]] :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Yo, why would you want this lame-ass job anyway? I mean, no offense. :'''Badger''': Because I'm on probation, yo. Gotta prove to the man I'm rehabilitated. ''[smokes a joint]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Well, back when Elliott and I were in grad school, we came up with the name. Schwartz: Black. Walter White. So together, they became Gray Matter Technologies. :'''Farley''': Cute, huh? :'''Man''': So you run the company with Elliott? :'''Walter''': Well, no. No, that's Gretchen and Elliott. I gravitated toward education. :'''Man''': What university? :''[Walter clears his throat and takes a drink]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Elliott''': I miss this, Walt. :'''Walter''': Yeah. Me too. Listen, uh, we–we ought to get together more often. Y'know, Skyler and I would love to have you and Gretchen over for dinner sometime. :'''Elliott''': Oh, sure, yeah, absolutely... but, you know, what I mean is that–that you and I should work together again. :'''Walter''': Heh, what, are you gonna teach high school? :'''Elliott''': No, no, no, no, seriously. W–What's stopping us? :'''Walter''': ...Wait a minute. Elliott, what are you–Are you asking me to come work for you at Gray Matter? :'''Elliott''': Yeah, why not? You'd fit right in! You're brilliant, you–you got a ton of experience. :'''Walter''': Well, I... I wouldn't really know where to begin. I mean... God, you have no idea. I spend my days just drawing out atoms on the chalkboard and trying to get these kids to learn the periodic table. :'''Elliott''': Look, I–I understand. You're a little rusty, but you're not seeing the upside here. We could really benefit from a- a new set of eyes. You know what it's like when you're trying to crack some problem for months on end, you get tunnel vision. One guy thinking outside of the box, you may be ''exactly'' what we need. :'''Walter''': ''[pause]'' Well, listen, Elliott, it... the offer is very appealing, it really is, I thank you, but uh... there's–there's something you should know. I–I have some personal issues. :'''Elliott''': Look, there's nothing we can't work out. :'''Walter''': Well, yeah, but... it's–it's complicated. :'''Elliott''': We can help you. We–We have excellent health insurance. ''The best''. :''[Walter grimaces and glances at Skyler]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Walter''': Alright, '''I've got the talking pillow now. Okay?''' We all, in this room, love each other. We want what's best for each other and I know that. I am very thankful for that. But...what I want... what I want, what I need, is a choice. :'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': What does that... mean? :'''Walter''': Sometimes I feel like I never actually make any of my own. Choices, I mean. My entire life, it just seems I never... you know, had a real say about any of it. Now this last one, cancer... all I have left is how I choose to approach this. :'''Skyler''': Then make the right choice, Walt. You're not the only one it affects. What about your son? Don't you wanna see your daughter grow up? I just... :'''Walter''': Of course I do. Skyler, you've read the statistics. These doctors... talking about surviving. One year, two years, like it's the only thing that matters. But what good is it, to just survive if I am too sick to work, to enjoy a meal, to make love? For what time I have left, I want to live in my own house. I want to sleep in my own bed. I don't wanna choke down 30 or 40 pills every single day, lose my hair, and lie around too tired to get up... and so nauseated that I can't even move my head. And you cleaning up after me? Me...some dead man, some artificially alive... just marking time? No. No. ''[pause]'' And that's how you would remember me. That's the worst part. So...that is my thought process, Skyler. I'm sorry. I just... I choose not to do it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jesse''': Yo. :'''Walter''': Wanna cook? === ''[[w:Crazy Handful of Nothin'|Crazy Handful of Nothin']]'' [1.06] === :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Let's get something straight. This–the chemistry–is my realm. I am in charge of the cooking. Out there on the street, you deal with that. As far as our customers go, I don't want to know anything about them. I don't need to see them. I don't want to hear from them. I want no interaction with them whatsoever. This operation is you and me, and I'm the silent partner. You got any issues with that? :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': Whatever, man. :'''Walter''': No matter what happens, no more bloodshed. No violence. :''[Cut to a brief flash-forward of Walter, with a shaved head and bloody nose, walking away from a chaotic scene with a smoking building in the background. He is holding a bag with blood on it]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jesse''': When were you going to tell me? :'''Walter''': Tell you what? :'''Jesse''': Cancer. You got it, right? :'''Walter''': How did you know? :'''Jesse''': ''[pointing to Walter's chemo mark on his chest]'' My aunt had one of those... dots on her to target the radiation. What is it, in your lung? I'm your partner, man. You should have told me. That's not cool, okay? Not at all. What stage are you? :'''Walter''': 3-A. :'''Jesse''': Gone to your lymph nodes. :'''Walter''': Your aunt... How bad was she when they caught it? :'''Jesse''': Bad enough. She didn't last long. :'''Walter''': How long? :'''Jesse''': Seven months. I get it now. That's why you're doing all this. You wanna make some cash for your people before you check out. :'''Walter''': You got a problem with that? :'''Jesse''': You tell me. You're the one that looks like you just crawled out of a microwave. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Jesse comes back after selling meth]'' :'''Walter''': How much meth did you sell? :'''Jesse''': Nearly an ounce. :'''Walter''': Last I checked, there were sixteen ounces to a pound. What did you do with the rest, smoke it? :'''Jesse''': Yo, I've been out there all night slinging crystal! You think it's cake, moving a pound of meth one 'teenth at a time? :'''Walter''': So why are you selling it in such small quantities? Why don't you just sell the whole pound at once? :'''Jesse''': To who? What do I look like, Scarface? :'''Walter''': ''This''... ''[holds up his small share]'' is unacceptable. I am breaking the law, here! This return is too little for the risk! I thought you'd be ready for another pound today! :'''Jesse''': You may know a lot about chemistry, man, but you don't know jack about slinging dope. :'''Walter''': Well, I'll tell ya–I know a lack of motivation when I see it. ''[Jesse scoffs]'' Come on, you–you've gotta be more imaginative, you know, just–just think outside the box here! We have to move our product in bulk. Wholesale! Now, how do we do that? :'''Jesse''': What do you mean? To, like, a distributor? :'''Walter''': Yes. Yes, that's what we need. We need a distributor! Now, do you know anyone like that? :'''Jesse''': Yeah. I mean, I used to, until you ''killed him''. :''[pause]'' :'''Walter''': So... who took Krazy-8's place? :'''Jesse''': Some guy named Tuco. Badass, from what I hear. :'''Walter''': Tuco. Okay, so then, just go talk to Tuco. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Right. Like, "Hello, sir. Hey, I know you don't know me, but would you be interested in a felony quantity of methamphetamine?" :'''Walter''': Well, yes, but maybe with a little more ''salesmanship'', perhaps? :'''Jesse''': You just don't get it, man! Okay, this guy's OG! :'''Walter''': What–What does that mean? :'''Jesse''': Agh, Jesus. Look, he's off our level, man! He's not gonna do business with some dude he doesn't know! You just don't understand the way it works; you can't just bum-rush some high-level iceman and start cutting deals, okay? It's risky. You need an intro, you need someone to vouch. :'''Walter''': Well, who introduced you to Krazy-8? :'''Jesse''': Emilio, and that's only because I knew him from, like, third grade, and we can't talk to Emilio either, because— :'''Walter''': Alright, alright, alright... :'''Jesse''': Look, I'm telling you, Mr. White... it's too risky. 'Kay? I mean, we're making money, why can't you just be satisfied with the way it is? :'''Walter''': Oh, come on! Jesus! ''JUST GROW SOME FUCKIN' BALLS!!'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Walter White, Jr.|Walter Jr.]]''': ''[upon seeing Walter's shaved head]'' Badass, dad. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Walter enters Tuco's office, as he examines a sample of the pound of meth Walter brought with him]'' :'''Tuco''': What's your name? :'''Walter''': Heisenberg. :'''Tuco''': Heisenberg. Okay. Have a seat, Heisenberg. :'''Walter''': I don't imagine I'll be here very long. :'''Tuco''': No? Alright, be that way. It's your meeting. Why don't you start talking and tell me what you want? :'''Walter''': $50,000. :'''Tuco''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, man! Fifty G's? How you figure that? :'''Walter''': Thirty-five for the pound of meth you stole and another fifteen for my partner's pain and suffering. :'''Tuco''': Partner? ''[puts a cigarette out on his tongue]'' Oh, yeah! I remember that little bitch! So you must be daddy. ''[bursts out laughing]'' Let me get this straight: I steal your dope, I ''beat the '''piss''''' out of your mule boy, and then you walk in here, and you bring me ''more'' meth?! ''[laughs hysterically]'' ''Woo!'' That's a brilliant plan, ''esé.'' :'''Gonzo''': Brilliant. :'''Walter''': You got one part of that wrong. ''[reaches out and picks up the crystal Tuco had examined]'' ''This''... is not meth. :''[Walter throws the piece to the floor. The impact causes a tremendous explosion which knocks everyone off their feet and blows out all the windows in Tuco's office. Walter grabs the bag in the midst of the smoke.]'' :'''Tuco''': ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?! :'''Walter''': ''[holding the bag threateningly over his head]'' You wanna find out? :''[Tuco's men get to their feet and draw their guns]'' :'''Tuco''': No-Doze, Gonzo, ''calma!'' ''Calma''. ''Calma''. You got balls, I'll give you that. Alright... alright. I'll give you your money. :''[Tuco opens his safe and hands Walter a sack filled with $50,000.]'' :'''Tuco''': That crystal your partner brought me, it sold faster than $10 ass in [[w:Tijuana|T.J.]] What say you bring me another pound next week? :'''Walter''': Money up front. :'''Tuco''': Alright. Money up front. Sometimes you got to rob to keep your riches, just as long as we got an understanding. :'''Walter''': One pound is not going to cut it. You have to take two. :'''Tuco''': ''Orale''. ''[points to Walter's bag]'' Hey, what is that shit? :'''Walter''': [[w:Fulminate of mercury|Fulminated mercury]], and a little tweak of chemistry. === ''[[w:A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal|A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal]]'' [1.07] === :''[Turned on by the danger of the meth investigation, Walter has sex with Skyler in their car]'' :'''[[w:Skyler White|Skyler]]''': Where... did that come from? And why was it so damn good? :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad)|Walter]]''': Because it was illegal. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Walter and Jesse are meeting Tuco at a junkyard]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman|Jesse]]''': A junkyard? Let me guess, you picked this place? :'''Walter''': What's wrong with it? It's private. :'''Jesse''': This is... This is like a... a non-criminal's idea of a drug meet. This is like, "Oh, I saw this in a movie. Ooh, look at me." :'''Walter''': Yeah, so... so where do you transact business? Enlighten me. :'''Jesse''': I don't know. How about Taco Cabeza? Half the deals I've ever done went down at Taco Cabeza. Nice and public. Open twenty-four hours. Nobody ever gets shot at Taco Cabeza. Hell, why not the mall? You know, wait at the Gap. "Hey! It's time for the meet!" You know, I'll put down the flat-front khakis, head on over, grab an Orange Julius. Skip the part where psycho lunatic Tuco, you know, comes and steals my drugs and leaves me bleeding to death. :''[Tuco pulls up in his Escalade. Jesse fidgets]'' :'''Walter''': Look, you don't have to be here for this, okay? I mean, seriously. I'm okay. :'''Jesse''': Nah, I'm no pussy. I'm good. :''[Tuco and his henchmen get out]'' :'''Tuco''': [[w:Mr. Clean|Mr. Clean]] and his boy. ''[to Jesse]'' Now, I'm sorry I had to tune you up. Respect, ''ese''. You gotta give it to get it. ''[looks around]'' Hey, what are we doing way the hell out here? What, they close the mall or something? ''[Jesse glances at Walter]'' Heisenberg, come on, break it out. ''[Walter takes out a bag of meth]'' That's it? That's all you got? :'''Walter''': We had some production problems. :'''No-Doze''': ''[weighing the meth]'' Point five three. :'''Tuco''': I thought you was a player. ''You'' told me two pounds, and now you waste my time with these chiclets? ''[tosses Walter his money]'' Seventeen-and-a-half, minus the half for wasting my time. :'''Walter''': Hey, come on. :'''Tuco''': What?! You gonna argue?! You got something to say?! ''[pause]'' You're doing business like a couple little bitches. :'''Walter''': I want all of it. ''[everyone stares at him]'' Seventy grand. :'''Tuco''': What did you say? :'''Walter''': You like this product, and you want more. Consider it a capital investment. :'''Tuco''': ''[gets in Walt's face]'' Look, old bald motherfucker. Fifty-two and a half, 25 points vig. :'''Walter''': Vig? :''[Tuco looks at Jesse]'' :'''Jesse''': Interest. Weekly. :'''Walter''': ...Okay. That's $65,625 with interest. 1.875 pounds. :'''Tuco''': No. Two pounds. Next Friday, and no production problems. :'''Walter''': Can you handle four pounds? :''[Tuco and Jesse look at Walter in disbelief]'' :'''Tuco''': Listen, old man. Talk is talk, but owing me money... that's ''bad''. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Smoking some illicit [[W:Cuban cigars|Cuban cigars]]]'' :'''Walter''': It's funny, isn't it? How we draw that line. :'''Hank''': Yeah. What line is that? :'''Walter''': Well, what's legal, what's illegal. You know, Cuban cigars, [[Alcoholic beverages|alcohol]]. You know, if we were drinking this [[w:Prohibition in the United States|in 1930]], we'd be breaking the law. Another year, we'd be okay. Who knows what will be legal next year. :'''Hank''': You mean like [[Marijuana |pot]]? :'''Walter''': Yeah. Like pot. Or whatever. :'''Hank''': [[Cocaine]]? [[Heroin]]? :'''Walter''': I'm just saying it's arbitrary. :'''Hank''': Well, you ought to visit lockup. You hear a lot of guys talking like that. "Hey, man, what you busting me with these 14 bales of ganja? It's all going to be legal next year when [[Willie Nelson]]'s president." Say it, buddy. It don't only go one way either. I mean, some other stuff is legal that shouldn't be. I mean, frigging meth used to be legal. Used to sell it over every counter at every pharmacy across America. Thank God they came to their senses on that one, huh? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Walter''': Hey, everything okay? :'''Skyler''': No, not really. Heh, actually not at all. You know that, uh, tiara that Marie gave us? :'''Walter''': Yeah. :'''Skyler''': Well, she stole it. Yep, I practically got arrested trying to return it at the store. :'''Walter''': Oh, my God. :'''Skyler''': I mean, she refuses to admit it. She refuses to apologize. I–I don't know what to do. :'''Walter''': Hm... people sometimes do things for their families. :'''Skyler''': "People sometimes do things for their families"? And, what, that justifies stealing? :'''Walter''': Well... :'''Skyler''': Wow, that must have been some sweat lodge. Are you even listening to the words coming out of your mouth? :'''Walter''': What would you do if it were me? :'''Skyler''': What do you mean, "if it were you"? :'''Walter''': If it were me, what would you do? Would you divorce me, would you turn me in to the police? :'''Skyler''': You don't want to find out. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Walter and Jesse meet Tuco and his men at the junkyard with their new meth]'' :'''Tuco''': What is this shit? This is blue. :'''Walter''': We used a different chemical process, but it is every bit as pure. :'''Jesse''': It may be blue, but it's the bomb. :'''Tuco''': ''[snorts meth]'' ''Tight!'' Tight, tight, ''yeah!'' Oh, blue, yellow, pink, whatever, man! Just keep bringing me that! ''[he hands the bag of meth to No Doze, and gives Walter a bag of cash] '' :'''No-Doze''': ''[weighing the bag of meth]'' Four point six. :'''Tuco''': ''[working out the value of the excess in his head]'' Uh… Come on. ''[Gonzo gives two more clips of money to Walter and Jesse]'' What did I say, man? This guy can cook! You're alright, man. You're alright. We're going to make a lot of money together. :'''No-Doze''': ''[with a lot of attitude]'' Just remember who you're working for. :'''Tuco''': ''[angered, he turns and faces him]'' What did you say? :'''No-Doze''': I'm just saying they got to know that they're working for you. :'''Tuco''': Like they don't already know that? Are you saying they're stupid? :'''No-Doze''': No, I'm just...I'm just saying. :'''Tuco''': Oh yeah, so you're not saying they're stupid. So I don't understand. Are you saying that ''I'm'' stupid? :'''No-Doze''': No, come on, Tuco. I'm just... I'm just saying. :'''Tuco''': No, you're just '''speaking''' for me! Like I ain't got the '''GODDAMN SENSE TO SPEAK FOR ''MYSELF!''''' Is that it? Is that what you're doing? :'''Walter''': Tuco. Tuco, hey, why don't we just all relax, huh? :'''Tuco''': ''[laughs]'' Heisenberg says "relax". ''Orale'', homes. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed- :''[Tuco punches No-Doze in the face. Tuco proceeds to punch him over and over while he is on the ground, leaving him bloody and possibly dead]'' :'''Tuco''': ''[showing off his bloody knuckles]'' ''WOOO!'' Damn, man! Look at that! Look! Yeah, that's messed up. ''[inhales]'' Okay, Heisenberg! Next week. ''[chuckles]'' :''[Tuco and Gonzo drive off with No-Doze's bloody body. Walter and Jesse look at each other in horror]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Breaking Bad seasons]] 3yjh4zfroluv486nehpdtvbeek5lc8i 0 206256 3944402 3496279 2026-05-23T07:27:19Z EarthDude 3228931 EarthDude moved page [[Integral humanism (India)]] to [[Integral humanism (Hindu nationalism)]]: The common name and the name used in the enwiki article 3496279 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Integral humanism (India)|Integral humanism]]''' is a philosophical and scientific thought developed by [[Deendayal Upadhyaya]] and adopted by [[w:Bharatiya Jana Sangh|Jana Sangh]] in 1965 as its official philosophy. ==Quotes== *That which is in the microcosm, that is also in the macrocosm. **Motto of Integral Humanism. Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism is the name we have given to the sum total of various features of Bharatiya Sanskriti (...) **BJS: Principles and Policies, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *The Bharatiya Janata Party's social agenda flows from its ideology of Integral Humanism (...) **BJP Election Manifesto, 1998, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *In their official training programme, all activists of the RSS, BJP and related organizations, i.e. millions of people, today, are taught Deendayal Upadhyaya's philosophy of "Integral Humanism", ... now the official party ideology of the BJP. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p83 *The official doctrine of the BJS/BJP is called Integral Humanism.... it is the alpha and omega of ideological training sessions of RSS and BJP workers. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *(...) Integral Humanism is most akin to the Christian-Democratic movement in Europe. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism shall be the basic philosophy of the Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party, p.3-4. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *I believe in Integral Humanism which is the basic philosophy of Bharatiya Janata Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *If you would want to honestly criticize the BJP through a book, it would be Upadhyaya’s ‘Integral Humanism’, but even the sheer mention of that book is absent from the immense majority of ‘expert’ publications about the BJP... **Elst, K. Guha's Golwalkar, 2016. [http://www.pragyata.com/mag/guhas-golwalkar-part-1-261] * Against these two arms of atheism, the core counter-insight from the religiously committed side was that “a humanism which denies man’s religious dimension, is not an integral humanism”. Materialism amputates the natural religious dimension from man, and this has to be restored... So, in name, “integral humanism” had a touch of genius. It sounds so innocent and positive, something that nobody can object to. That is why, in spite of being the official ideology of RSS and BJP, in which every member is trained, it is never mentioned in textbooks by “experts” on Hindutva... Out of an unscholarly political activism, these “experts” prefer to push more negatively-sounding terms, of which “Hindu nationalist” is still the kindest. It is unthinkable to read a textbook on the Labour Party without coming across the word “socialism”, yet so noxious is the intellectual [[climate]] in both India and India-watching, that it is entirely the done thing to write expert introductions on the RSS-BJP without mentioning its actual ideology. ... Alright, his term “Integral Humanism” was bright, and the best possible secular-sounding approximation to a perfect translation of the Hindu term Dharma... However, rather than being proud of his Hinduism as the source of integral-humanist values, Upadhyaya, like most Sanghi ideologues ever since, was in the business of downplaying and hiding this Hinduism behind secular terms. His “integral humanism” ended up as the equivalent of the secularists’ “idea of India”. He pioneered what was to become “BJP secularism”. **Elst, Koenraad. Hindu dharma and the culture wars. (2019). New Delhi : Rupa. *Modi has an intellectual anchor in his quest. Deendayal Upadhyaya’s philosophy of Integral Humanism could play an important role in creating a framework for a well-functioning market economy which eschews cronyism and other types of wrongdoing while creating wealth. Integral Humanism has a moral dimension which is important in a country reeling from amoral, if not immoral, capitalists. **‘Modi and Markets: Arguments for Transformation’ by Dhiraj Nayyar == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Humanism| ]] [[Category:India]] 9pl6fxgzyfspouur5zh9sggvo1yq8lc 3944404 3944402 2026-05-23T07:27:53Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:India]]; added [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944404 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Integral humanism (India)|Integral humanism]]''' is a philosophical and scientific thought developed by [[Deendayal Upadhyaya]] and adopted by [[w:Bharatiya Jana Sangh|Jana Sangh]] in 1965 as its official philosophy. ==Quotes== *That which is in the microcosm, that is also in the macrocosm. **Motto of Integral Humanism. Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism is the name we have given to the sum total of various features of Bharatiya Sanskriti (...) **BJS: Principles and Policies, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *The Bharatiya Janata Party's social agenda flows from its ideology of Integral Humanism (...) **BJP Election Manifesto, 1998, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *In their official training programme, all activists of the RSS, BJP and related organizations, i.e. millions of people, today, are taught Deendayal Upadhyaya's philosophy of "Integral Humanism", ... now the official party ideology of the BJP. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p83 *The official doctrine of the BJS/BJP is called Integral Humanism.... it is the alpha and omega of ideological training sessions of RSS and BJP workers. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *(...) Integral Humanism is most akin to the Christian-Democratic movement in Europe. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism shall be the basic philosophy of the Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party, p.3-4. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *I believe in Integral Humanism which is the basic philosophy of Bharatiya Janata Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *If you would want to honestly criticize the BJP through a book, it would be Upadhyaya’s ‘Integral Humanism’, but even the sheer mention of that book is absent from the immense majority of ‘expert’ publications about the BJP... **Elst, K. Guha's Golwalkar, 2016. [http://www.pragyata.com/mag/guhas-golwalkar-part-1-261] * Against these two arms of atheism, the core counter-insight from the religiously committed side was that “a humanism which denies man’s religious dimension, is not an integral humanism”. Materialism amputates the natural religious dimension from man, and this has to be restored... So, in name, “integral humanism” had a touch of genius. It sounds so innocent and positive, something that nobody can object to. That is why, in spite of being the official ideology of RSS and BJP, in which every member is trained, it is never mentioned in textbooks by “experts” on Hindutva... Out of an unscholarly political activism, these “experts” prefer to push more negatively-sounding terms, of which “Hindu nationalist” is still the kindest. It is unthinkable to read a textbook on the Labour Party without coming across the word “socialism”, yet so noxious is the intellectual [[climate]] in both India and India-watching, that it is entirely the done thing to write expert introductions on the RSS-BJP without mentioning its actual ideology. ... Alright, his term “Integral Humanism” was bright, and the best possible secular-sounding approximation to a perfect translation of the Hindu term Dharma... However, rather than being proud of his Hinduism as the source of integral-humanist values, Upadhyaya, like most Sanghi ideologues ever since, was in the business of downplaying and hiding this Hinduism behind secular terms. His “integral humanism” ended up as the equivalent of the secularists’ “idea of India”. He pioneered what was to become “BJP secularism”. **Elst, Koenraad. Hindu dharma and the culture wars. (2019). New Delhi : Rupa. *Modi has an intellectual anchor in his quest. Deendayal Upadhyaya’s philosophy of Integral Humanism could play an important role in creating a framework for a well-functioning market economy which eschews cronyism and other types of wrongdoing while creating wealth. Integral Humanism has a moral dimension which is important in a country reeling from amoral, if not immoral, capitalists. **‘Modi and Markets: Arguments for Transformation’ by Dhiraj Nayyar == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Humanism| ]] [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] 1yz6o4hr04md45qiwwmekvhkmjpssem 3944405 3944404 2026-05-23T07:28:04Z EarthDude 3228931 added [[Category:Bharatiya Janata Party]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944405 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Integral humanism (India)|Integral humanism]]''' is a philosophical and scientific thought developed by [[Deendayal Upadhyaya]] and adopted by [[w:Bharatiya Jana Sangh|Jana Sangh]] in 1965 as its official philosophy. ==Quotes== *That which is in the microcosm, that is also in the macrocosm. **Motto of Integral Humanism. Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism is the name we have given to the sum total of various features of Bharatiya Sanskriti (...) **BJS: Principles and Policies, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *The Bharatiya Janata Party's social agenda flows from its ideology of Integral Humanism (...) **BJP Election Manifesto, 1998, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *In their official training programme, all activists of the RSS, BJP and related organizations, i.e. millions of people, today, are taught Deendayal Upadhyaya's philosophy of "Integral Humanism", ... now the official party ideology of the BJP. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p83 *The official doctrine of the BJS/BJP is called Integral Humanism.... it is the alpha and omega of ideological training sessions of RSS and BJP workers. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *(...) Integral Humanism is most akin to the Christian-Democratic movement in Europe. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism shall be the basic philosophy of the Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party, p.3-4. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *I believe in Integral Humanism which is the basic philosophy of Bharatiya Janata Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *If you would want to honestly criticize the BJP through a book, it would be Upadhyaya’s ‘Integral Humanism’, but even the sheer mention of that book is absent from the immense majority of ‘expert’ publications about the BJP... **Elst, K. Guha's Golwalkar, 2016. [http://www.pragyata.com/mag/guhas-golwalkar-part-1-261] * Against these two arms of atheism, the core counter-insight from the religiously committed side was that “a humanism which denies man’s religious dimension, is not an integral humanism”. Materialism amputates the natural religious dimension from man, and this has to be restored... So, in name, “integral humanism” had a touch of genius. It sounds so innocent and positive, something that nobody can object to. That is why, in spite of being the official ideology of RSS and BJP, in which every member is trained, it is never mentioned in textbooks by “experts” on Hindutva... Out of an unscholarly political activism, these “experts” prefer to push more negatively-sounding terms, of which “Hindu nationalist” is still the kindest. It is unthinkable to read a textbook on the Labour Party without coming across the word “socialism”, yet so noxious is the intellectual [[climate]] in both India and India-watching, that it is entirely the done thing to write expert introductions on the RSS-BJP without mentioning its actual ideology. ... Alright, his term “Integral Humanism” was bright, and the best possible secular-sounding approximation to a perfect translation of the Hindu term Dharma... However, rather than being proud of his Hinduism as the source of integral-humanist values, Upadhyaya, like most Sanghi ideologues ever since, was in the business of downplaying and hiding this Hinduism behind secular terms. His “integral humanism” ended up as the equivalent of the secularists’ “idea of India”. He pioneered what was to become “BJP secularism”. **Elst, Koenraad. Hindu dharma and the culture wars. (2019). New Delhi : Rupa. *Modi has an intellectual anchor in his quest. Deendayal Upadhyaya’s philosophy of Integral Humanism could play an important role in creating a framework for a well-functioning market economy which eschews cronyism and other types of wrongdoing while creating wealth. Integral Humanism has a moral dimension which is important in a country reeling from amoral, if not immoral, capitalists. **‘Modi and Markets: Arguments for Transformation’ by Dhiraj Nayyar == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Humanism| ]] [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] [[Category:Bharatiya Janata Party]] 6wv3y690hrkx8nmj7hehj10cx8dm1fs 3944406 3944405 2026-05-23T07:32:18Z EarthDude 3228931 Using the lead from enwiki 3944406 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Integral humanism (Hindu nationalism)|Integral humanism]]''' was a set of concepts drafted by [[Deendayal Upadhyaya]] as a political program and adopted in 1965 as the official doctrine of the Jan Sangh and later the [[Bharatiya Janata Party]] (BJP). These values were based on an individual's undisputed subservience to nation as a corporate entity. ==Quotes== *That which is in the microcosm, that is also in the macrocosm. **Motto of Integral Humanism. Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism is the name we have given to the sum total of various features of Bharatiya Sanskriti (...) **BJS: Principles and Policies, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *The Bharatiya Janata Party's social agenda flows from its ideology of Integral Humanism (...) **BJP Election Manifesto, 1998, quoted in Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *In their official training programme, all activists of the RSS, BJP and related organizations, i.e. millions of people, today, are taught Deendayal Upadhyaya's philosophy of "Integral Humanism", ... now the official party ideology of the BJP. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p83 *The official doctrine of the BJS/BJP is called Integral Humanism.... it is the alpha and omega of ideological training sessions of RSS and BJP workers. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *(...) Integral Humanism is most akin to the Christian-Democratic movement in Europe. **Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p490ff *Integral Humanism shall be the basic philosophy of the Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party, p.3-4. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *I believe in Integral Humanism which is the basic philosophy of Bharatiya Janata Party. ** Constitution and Rules (as amended by the National Council at Gandhinagar, Gujarat, on 2nd May 1992) of the Bharatiya Janata Party. Quoted in Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *If you would want to honestly criticize the BJP through a book, it would be Upadhyaya’s ‘Integral Humanism’, but even the sheer mention of that book is absent from the immense majority of ‘expert’ publications about the BJP... **Elst, K. Guha's Golwalkar, 2016. [http://www.pragyata.com/mag/guhas-golwalkar-part-1-261] * Against these two arms of atheism, the core counter-insight from the religiously committed side was that “a humanism which denies man’s religious dimension, is not an integral humanism”. Materialism amputates the natural religious dimension from man, and this has to be restored... So, in name, “integral humanism” had a touch of genius. It sounds so innocent and positive, something that nobody can object to. That is why, in spite of being the official ideology of RSS and BJP, in which every member is trained, it is never mentioned in textbooks by “experts” on Hindutva... Out of an unscholarly political activism, these “experts” prefer to push more negatively-sounding terms, of which “Hindu nationalist” is still the kindest. It is unthinkable to read a textbook on the Labour Party without coming across the word “socialism”, yet so noxious is the intellectual [[climate]] in both India and India-watching, that it is entirely the done thing to write expert introductions on the RSS-BJP without mentioning its actual ideology. ... Alright, his term “Integral Humanism” was bright, and the best possible secular-sounding approximation to a perfect translation of the Hindu term Dharma... However, rather than being proud of his Hinduism as the source of integral-humanist values, Upadhyaya, like most Sanghi ideologues ever since, was in the business of downplaying and hiding this Hinduism behind secular terms. His “integral humanism” ended up as the equivalent of the secularists’ “idea of India”. He pioneered what was to become “BJP secularism”. **Elst, Koenraad. Hindu dharma and the culture wars. (2019). New Delhi : Rupa. *Modi has an intellectual anchor in his quest. Deendayal Upadhyaya’s philosophy of Integral Humanism could play an important role in creating a framework for a well-functioning market economy which eschews cronyism and other types of wrongdoing while creating wealth. Integral Humanism has a moral dimension which is important in a country reeling from amoral, if not immoral, capitalists. **‘Modi and Markets: Arguments for Transformation’ by Dhiraj Nayyar == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Humanism| ]] [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] [[Category:Bharatiya Janata Party]] 1oshgzq06tnapnge9s91lc1drjgphri 0 207516 3944189 3938555 2026-05-22T14:23:39Z Woofboy 2984402 /* 2026 */ 3944189 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jeffrey Epstein mug shot.jpg|thumb| I invest in people — be it politics or science. It's what I do.]] [[File:Epstein 2013 mugshot.jpg|thumb|Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a [[W:hedge fund|hedge fund]] manager.]] '''[[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Edward Epstein]]''' (January 20, 1953 - August 10, 2019) was an American [[w:financier|financier]] and [[w:sex offender registry|registered]] [[w:sex offender|sex offender]]. :See also: ::'''''[[Epstein files]]''''' == Quotes == ===2002–2003=== *I invest in people — be it politics or science. It's what I do. **Quoted in [http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ Jeffrey Epstein: International Moneyman of Mystery By Landon Thomas Jr., ''New York'' magazine] (October 28, 2002). * I started at [[w:Bear Stearns|Bear Stearns]] in 1976. Bear Stearns never had any training program. There was no course to begin. [[w:Alan C. Greenberg|Alan Greenberg]] said he wanted me to learn each area of the business. So he thought the best place for me to start would be on the floor of the American Stock Exchange and then later move up to the trading desk and learn all the different areas of the firm including the margin department. He was amazing. ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). * I realize what I am. I’m very comfortable in my own skin. I’m not a helicopter pilot. What I’m really free to do is I feel free to follow my own personality. As we discussed yesterday, I can’t be totally wacko in what I do. It affects lots of other people who will get angry with what I do because then it affects me again. But on my own island or on my own ranch, I can think the thoughts I want to think. I can do the work I want to do and I’m free to explore as I see fit. ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). See also: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M511Wp-elHE on ''Bloomberg Markets and Finance'', YouTube channel] * It attracted me because I thought it would be a different class of students I hadn't come across before, this was going to be the flip-side ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). See also: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M511Wp-elHE on ''Bloomberg Markets and Finance'', YouTube channel] ===2011-2019=== [[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|He’s charming. In a devious way, he’s charming. To some extent it’s a typical tragedy where he believes his own bullshit.]] * [I] want you to realize that that dog that hasn't barked is Trump. [Victim 1] spent hours at my house with him ,, he has never once been mentioned. ** Email to [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (April 2, 2011), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ** Orthographical error in the original source. CBS News reported White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt accused the Democrats of selective leaks to "create a fake narrative" to harm the president. According to Leavitt, the unnamed victim in the emails is Virginia Giuffre, who died in April 2025 and did not accuse Trump of improper conduct. * I was Donald’s closest friend for 10 years. ** Jeffrey Epstein on Donald Trump in interview with [[w:Michael Wolff (journalist)|Michael Wolff]] in 2017. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDK5ttnzz4 Epstein Tapes: "I Was Donald Trump’s Closest Friend" on ''Daily Beast'' YouTube channel] * [On [[Donald Trump]]] He’s charming. In a devious way, he’s charming. To some extent it’s a typical tragedy where he believes his own bullshit. He has delusions of grandiosity, then he takes it on board. * He’s a horrible human being. He does nasty things to his best friends, best friends’ wives, anyone who he first tries to gain their trust and uses it to do bad things to them. ** Interviewed by Michael Wolff on audio tape in 2017, quoted in [https://docs.house.gov/meetings/JU/JU08/20250227/117951/HHRG-119-JU08-20250227-SD006-U6.pdf "Listen To The Jeffrey Epstein Tapes: ‘I Was Donald Trump’s Closest Friend’"] ''U.S. House of Representatives Document Repository'' (February 27, 2025) * Trump said he asked me to resign, [[w:Mar-a-Lago#Club|never a member]] ever.. [O]f course he knew about the girls as he asked [G]hislaine to stop. ** On Trump, to Michael Wolff in an email (January 31, 2019), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ** The two periods before "[O]f course" should not be read as ellipsis. * I just want you to know I’m not a [[pedophile]]. … Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a [[W:hedge fund|hedge fund]] manager. ** As quoted by Charlie Gasparino in [https://www.foxbusiness.com/features/jeffrey-epstein-exclusive-hedge-fund "Jeffrey Epstein before he died"], ''FOXBusiness'' (August 13, 2019). * Still hanging around. ** Jeffrey Epstein's last message August 9th, 2019 through his lawyer to Michael Wolff in response to asking how he was. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9IV_HiRUA&t=254s Jeffrey Epstein's Final Eerie Note Sent Before He Passed Away: Wolff | The Daily Beast Podcast Clip] * Dear L.N. as you know by now, I have taken the ‘short route’ home. Good Luck! We share one thing … our love & caring for young ladies at the hope they’d reach their full potential. Our president also shares our love of young, nubile girls. When a young beauty walked by he loved to ‘grab snatch,’ whereas we ended up snatching grub in the mess halls of the system. Life is unfair. Yours, J. Epstein. **Letter by Jeffrey Epstein to sex offender [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Nassar Larry Nassar] dated August 13, 2025, 3 days after Epstein's death [https://wbznewsradio.iheart.com/content/2025-12-23-epstein-claimed-trump-shares-our-love-in-letter-to-larry-nassar/ "Epstein Claimed Trump 'Shares Our Love' In Letter To Larry Nassar"], ''WBZ NewsRadio'' (December 23, 2025) ==Quotes about Jeffrey Epstein== [[File:Chris-hedges3.JPG|thumb| The Epstein story is a window into the moral bankruptcy, hedonism and greed of the [[ruling class]]. This crosses political lines. It is the common denominator between Democratic politicians, such as [[Bill Clinton]], philanthropists, such as [[Bill Gates]], the [[billionaire]] class, and [[Trump]]. They are one class of predators and grifters. It is not only girls and women they exploit, but all of us. —[[Chris Hedges]]]] ===2002–2015=== * I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life. **[[Donald Trump]], cited in Landon Thomas Jr. [http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ "Jeffrey Epstein: International Moneyman of Mystery"], ''New York'' magazine (October 28, 2002). * [CNN in an interviews with Trump was thought to be about to ask about his association with Epstein] I think you should let him hang himself. If he says he hasn't been on the plane or to the house, then that gives you a valuable PR and political currency. You can hang him in a way that potentially generates a positive benefit for you, or, if it really looks like he could win, you could save him, generating a debt. Of course, it is possible that, when asked, he'll say Jeffrey is a great guy and has gotten a raw deal and is a victim of political correctness, which is to be outlawed in a Trump regime. ** [[w:Michael Wolff (journalist)|Michael Wolff]] email to Epstein (December 15, 2015), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ===2018–2019=== *2005 March: A 14-year-old girl and her parents report that Jeffrey Epstein molested her at a mansion in Palm Beach. She said a female acquaintance and classmate at Royal Palm Beach High School had taken her to the house to give him a massage in exchange for money. April: Palm Beach police begin trash pulls at Epstein’s home, discovering a telephone message for Epstein with the girl’s name on it, and a time that matched the time that she told police she was there. They find the names and phone numbers of other girls on message slips in his trash. October... Investigators begin interviewing more girls, as well as Epstein’s butlers, who tell them that Epstein had frequent visits from girls throughout the day.... 2006 May: Police sign a probable cause affidavit charging Epstein and two of his assistants with multiple counts of unlawful sex acts with a minor.... June: The grand jury, after hearing from only one girl, returns an indictment of one count of solicitation of prostitution. The charge does not reflect that the victim in question and others were minors. July: ... Lawyers discuss a deferred prosecution in which Epstein would enter a pretrial intervention program and serve no jail time. After pressure from the Palm Beach police chief, the FBI opens a federal investigation **[[w:Julie K Brown|Julie K Brown]], [https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/article221404845.html "For years, Jeffrey Epstein abused teen girls, police say. A timeline of his case"] ''Miami Herald'' {{paywalled source}} (November 28, 2018). * Q Two questions, please. With regard to Jeffrey Epstein, did you have any suspicions that he was molesting young women, underaged women?<br />THE PRESIDENT: No, I had no idea. I had no idea. I haven't spoken to him in many, many years. But I had — I didn't have no idea. * THE PRESIDENT: I was not a fan of Jeffrey Epstein. And you watched people yesterday saying that I threw him out of a club. I didn't want anything to do with him. That was many, many years ago. It shows you one thing: that I have good taste.<br />Now, other people, they went all over with him. They went to his island. They went all over the place. He was very well known in Palm Beach. His island — whatever his island was, wherever it is — I was never there. Find out the people that went to the island. ** [[Donald Trump]] [https://web.archive.org/web/20190713052259/https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-marine-one-departure-52/ "Remarks by President Trump Before Marine One Departure"], Whitehouse.gov website (July 12, 2019). ** At the time Labor Secretary [[Alexander Acosta|Alex Acosta]] resigned. ===2021–2025=== * I wanted to do a story on sex trafficking, but every time I googled Florida and sex trafficking, a story about Jeffrey Epstein came up. ** [[w:Julie K. Brown|Julie K Brown]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/25/meet-julie-k-brown-the-woman-who-brought-down-jeffrey-epstein "Meet Julie K Brown, the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein" by [[w:Andrew Anthony|Andrew Anthony]] in ''The Observer'' (July 25, 2021)] * A not untypical case was Courtney Wild, a straight-A student with a troubled family history, who says she was sexually abused countless times by Epstein and others in his entourage beginning at the age of 14. ... As she tells Brown: “Jeffrey Epstein preyed on girls who were homeless and were addicted to [[drugs]]. He didn’t victimise girls who were Olympic stars and [[Hollywood]] actresses. He victimised people he thought nobody would ever [[listen]] to, and he was right. ** [[w:Andrew Anthony|Andrew Anthony]], [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/25/meet-julie-k-brown-the-woman-who-brought-down-jeffrey-epstein "Meet Julie K Brown, the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein"] ''The Observer'' (July 25, 2021). * He was never a big factor in terms of life. ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-jeffrey-epstein-hoax-republicans/ 'Trump calls Epstein controversy a "Hoax" and "bulls***," denouncing "weaklings" in GOP'] ''CBS News'' (July 16, 2025) * '''The Epstein story is a window into the moral bankruptcy, hedonism and greed of the [[ruling class]]. This crosses political lines. It is the common denominator between Democratic politicians, such as [[Bill Clinton]], philanthropists, such as [[Bill Gates]], the [[billionaire]] class, and [[Trump]]. They are one class of predators and grifters. It is not only girls and women they exploit, but all of us.''' ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2025/07/13/chris-hedges-trump-epstein-and-the-deep-state/ Trump, Epstein and the Deep State]. Scheerpost. July 13, 2025. === 2026 === * I know that Epstein was a Soviet asset ** [[w:Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * You're a solid person Jeffrey and that means the world to me. [2009] * Dear Jeffrey PLEASE just try her in bed. [2011] ** Ramsey Elkholy in emails to Epstein, quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cm2kn7nj00ro "Agent begged Epstein to have sex with model, emails show"], ''BBC News'' (March 28, 2026) == Disputed == * They investigated me for month - FOUND NOTHING!!! So 15 year old charges resulted. It is a treat to be able to choose one's time to say goodbye. Watcha want me to do - Bust out cryin!! NO FUN - NOT WORTH IT. ** Epstein's alleged 2019 {{w|suicide note}} quoted in: [https://apnews.com/article/jeffrey-epstein-note-suicide-tartaglione-1363d4b9d0fdc4dcbf6262a6b0030317 A note a former cellmate says he found after Epstein’s suspected suicide attempt is released], ''AP News'' (May 7, 2026) == External links == {{Sister project links|d=Q2904131|commons=Category:Jeffrey Epstein|n=no|b=no|v=no|voy=no|m=no|mw=no|wikt=no|s=no|species=no}} * [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wyf7Ca4TDc Truth & Lies: Jeffrey Epstein l PART 1] {{W|ABC (TV station)|ABC}} [[Youtube]] video {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Epstein, Jeffrey}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:2019 deaths]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Prisoners]] [[Category:Suicides]] [[Category:People from New York City]] dlqwpx6trn8ffci371wo2o0z5g9at09 3944190 3944189 2026-05-22T14:24:10Z Woofboy 2984402 /* 2026 */ fixed wikilink 3944190 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jeffrey Epstein mug shot.jpg|thumb| I invest in people — be it politics or science. It's what I do.]] [[File:Epstein 2013 mugshot.jpg|thumb|Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a [[W:hedge fund|hedge fund]] manager.]] '''[[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Edward Epstein]]''' (January 20, 1953 - August 10, 2019) was an American [[w:financier|financier]] and [[w:sex offender registry|registered]] [[w:sex offender|sex offender]]. :See also: ::'''''[[Epstein files]]''''' == Quotes == ===2002–2003=== *I invest in people — be it politics or science. It's what I do. **Quoted in [http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ Jeffrey Epstein: International Moneyman of Mystery By Landon Thomas Jr., ''New York'' magazine] (October 28, 2002). * I started at [[w:Bear Stearns|Bear Stearns]] in 1976. Bear Stearns never had any training program. There was no course to begin. [[w:Alan C. Greenberg|Alan Greenberg]] said he wanted me to learn each area of the business. So he thought the best place for me to start would be on the floor of the American Stock Exchange and then later move up to the trading desk and learn all the different areas of the firm including the margin department. He was amazing. ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). * I realize what I am. I’m very comfortable in my own skin. I’m not a helicopter pilot. What I’m really free to do is I feel free to follow my own personality. As we discussed yesterday, I can’t be totally wacko in what I do. It affects lots of other people who will get angry with what I do because then it affects me again. But on my own island or on my own ranch, I can think the thoughts I want to think. I can do the work I want to do and I’m free to explore as I see fit. ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). See also: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M511Wp-elHE on ''Bloomberg Markets and Finance'', YouTube channel] * It attracted me because I thought it would be a different class of students I hadn't come across before, this was going to be the flip-side ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). See also: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M511Wp-elHE on ''Bloomberg Markets and Finance'', YouTube channel] ===2011-2019=== [[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|He’s charming. In a devious way, he’s charming. To some extent it’s a typical tragedy where he believes his own bullshit.]] * [I] want you to realize that that dog that hasn't barked is Trump. [Victim 1] spent hours at my house with him ,, he has never once been mentioned. ** Email to [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (April 2, 2011), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ** Orthographical error in the original source. CBS News reported White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt accused the Democrats of selective leaks to "create a fake narrative" to harm the president. According to Leavitt, the unnamed victim in the emails is Virginia Giuffre, who died in April 2025 and did not accuse Trump of improper conduct. * I was Donald’s closest friend for 10 years. ** Jeffrey Epstein on Donald Trump in interview with [[w:Michael Wolff (journalist)|Michael Wolff]] in 2017. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDK5ttnzz4 Epstein Tapes: "I Was Donald Trump’s Closest Friend" on ''Daily Beast'' YouTube channel] * [On [[Donald Trump]]] He’s charming. In a devious way, he’s charming. To some extent it’s a typical tragedy where he believes his own bullshit. He has delusions of grandiosity, then he takes it on board. * He’s a horrible human being. He does nasty things to his best friends, best friends’ wives, anyone who he first tries to gain their trust and uses it to do bad things to them. ** Interviewed by Michael Wolff on audio tape in 2017, quoted in [https://docs.house.gov/meetings/JU/JU08/20250227/117951/HHRG-119-JU08-20250227-SD006-U6.pdf "Listen To The Jeffrey Epstein Tapes: ‘I Was Donald Trump’s Closest Friend’"] ''U.S. House of Representatives Document Repository'' (February 27, 2025) * Trump said he asked me to resign, [[w:Mar-a-Lago#Club|never a member]] ever.. [O]f course he knew about the girls as he asked [G]hislaine to stop. ** On Trump, to Michael Wolff in an email (January 31, 2019), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ** The two periods before "[O]f course" should not be read as ellipsis. * I just want you to know I’m not a [[pedophile]]. … Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a [[W:hedge fund|hedge fund]] manager. ** As quoted by Charlie Gasparino in [https://www.foxbusiness.com/features/jeffrey-epstein-exclusive-hedge-fund "Jeffrey Epstein before he died"], ''FOXBusiness'' (August 13, 2019). * Still hanging around. ** Jeffrey Epstein's last message August 9th, 2019 through his lawyer to Michael Wolff in response to asking how he was. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9IV_HiRUA&t=254s Jeffrey Epstein's Final Eerie Note Sent Before He Passed Away: Wolff | The Daily Beast Podcast Clip] * Dear L.N. as you know by now, I have taken the ‘short route’ home. Good Luck! We share one thing … our love & caring for young ladies at the hope they’d reach their full potential. Our president also shares our love of young, nubile girls. When a young beauty walked by he loved to ‘grab snatch,’ whereas we ended up snatching grub in the mess halls of the system. Life is unfair. Yours, J. Epstein. **Letter by Jeffrey Epstein to sex offender [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Nassar Larry Nassar] dated August 13, 2025, 3 days after Epstein's death [https://wbznewsradio.iheart.com/content/2025-12-23-epstein-claimed-trump-shares-our-love-in-letter-to-larry-nassar/ "Epstein Claimed Trump 'Shares Our Love' In Letter To Larry Nassar"], ''WBZ NewsRadio'' (December 23, 2025) ==Quotes about Jeffrey Epstein== [[File:Chris-hedges3.JPG|thumb| The Epstein story is a window into the moral bankruptcy, hedonism and greed of the [[ruling class]]. This crosses political lines. It is the common denominator between Democratic politicians, such as [[Bill Clinton]], philanthropists, such as [[Bill Gates]], the [[billionaire]] class, and [[Trump]]. They are one class of predators and grifters. It is not only girls and women they exploit, but all of us. —[[Chris Hedges]]]] ===2002–2015=== * I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life. **[[Donald Trump]], cited in Landon Thomas Jr. [http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ "Jeffrey Epstein: International Moneyman of Mystery"], ''New York'' magazine (October 28, 2002). * [CNN in an interviews with Trump was thought to be about to ask about his association with Epstein] I think you should let him hang himself. If he says he hasn't been on the plane or to the house, then that gives you a valuable PR and political currency. You can hang him in a way that potentially generates a positive benefit for you, or, if it really looks like he could win, you could save him, generating a debt. Of course, it is possible that, when asked, he'll say Jeffrey is a great guy and has gotten a raw deal and is a victim of political correctness, which is to be outlawed in a Trump regime. ** [[w:Michael Wolff (journalist)|Michael Wolff]] email to Epstein (December 15, 2015), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ===2018–2019=== *2005 March: A 14-year-old girl and her parents report that Jeffrey Epstein molested her at a mansion in Palm Beach. She said a female acquaintance and classmate at Royal Palm Beach High School had taken her to the house to give him a massage in exchange for money. April: Palm Beach police begin trash pulls at Epstein’s home, discovering a telephone message for Epstein with the girl’s name on it, and a time that matched the time that she told police she was there. They find the names and phone numbers of other girls on message slips in his trash. October... Investigators begin interviewing more girls, as well as Epstein’s butlers, who tell them that Epstein had frequent visits from girls throughout the day.... 2006 May: Police sign a probable cause affidavit charging Epstein and two of his assistants with multiple counts of unlawful sex acts with a minor.... June: The grand jury, after hearing from only one girl, returns an indictment of one count of solicitation of prostitution. The charge does not reflect that the victim in question and others were minors. July: ... Lawyers discuss a deferred prosecution in which Epstein would enter a pretrial intervention program and serve no jail time. After pressure from the Palm Beach police chief, the FBI opens a federal investigation **[[w:Julie K Brown|Julie K Brown]], [https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/article221404845.html "For years, Jeffrey Epstein abused teen girls, police say. A timeline of his case"] ''Miami Herald'' {{paywalled source}} (November 28, 2018). * Q Two questions, please. With regard to Jeffrey Epstein, did you have any suspicions that he was molesting young women, underaged women?<br />THE PRESIDENT: No, I had no idea. I had no idea. I haven't spoken to him in many, many years. But I had — I didn't have no idea. * THE PRESIDENT: I was not a fan of Jeffrey Epstein. And you watched people yesterday saying that I threw him out of a club. I didn't want anything to do with him. That was many, many years ago. It shows you one thing: that I have good taste.<br />Now, other people, they went all over with him. They went to his island. They went all over the place. He was very well known in Palm Beach. His island — whatever his island was, wherever it is — I was never there. Find out the people that went to the island. ** [[Donald Trump]] [https://web.archive.org/web/20190713052259/https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-marine-one-departure-52/ "Remarks by President Trump Before Marine One Departure"], Whitehouse.gov website (July 12, 2019). ** At the time Labor Secretary [[Alexander Acosta|Alex Acosta]] resigned. ===2021–2025=== * I wanted to do a story on sex trafficking, but every time I googled Florida and sex trafficking, a story about Jeffrey Epstein came up. ** [[w:Julie K. Brown|Julie K Brown]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/25/meet-julie-k-brown-the-woman-who-brought-down-jeffrey-epstein "Meet Julie K Brown, the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein" by [[w:Andrew Anthony|Andrew Anthony]] in ''The Observer'' (July 25, 2021)] * A not untypical case was Courtney Wild, a straight-A student with a troubled family history, who says she was sexually abused countless times by Epstein and others in his entourage beginning at the age of 14. ... As she tells Brown: “Jeffrey Epstein preyed on girls who were homeless and were addicted to [[drugs]]. He didn’t victimise girls who were Olympic stars and [[Hollywood]] actresses. He victimised people he thought nobody would ever [[listen]] to, and he was right. ** [[w:Andrew Anthony|Andrew Anthony]], [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/25/meet-julie-k-brown-the-woman-who-brought-down-jeffrey-epstein "Meet Julie K Brown, the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein"] ''The Observer'' (July 25, 2021). * He was never a big factor in terms of life. ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-jeffrey-epstein-hoax-republicans/ 'Trump calls Epstein controversy a "Hoax" and "bulls***," denouncing "weaklings" in GOP'] ''CBS News'' (July 16, 2025) * '''The Epstein story is a window into the moral bankruptcy, hedonism and greed of the [[ruling class]]. This crosses political lines. It is the common denominator between Democratic politicians, such as [[Bill Clinton]], philanthropists, such as [[Bill Gates]], the [[billionaire]] class, and [[Trump]]. They are one class of predators and grifters. It is not only girls and women they exploit, but all of us.''' ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2025/07/13/chris-hedges-trump-epstein-and-the-deep-state/ Trump, Epstein and the Deep State]. Scheerpost. July 13, 2025. === 2026 === * I know that Epstein was a Soviet asset ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * You're a solid person Jeffrey and that means the world to me. [2009] * Dear Jeffrey PLEASE just try her in bed. [2011] ** Ramsey Elkholy in emails to Epstein, quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cm2kn7nj00ro "Agent begged Epstein to have sex with model, emails show"], ''BBC News'' (March 28, 2026) == Disputed == * They investigated me for month - FOUND NOTHING!!! So 15 year old charges resulted. It is a treat to be able to choose one's time to say goodbye. Watcha want me to do - Bust out cryin!! NO FUN - NOT WORTH IT. ** Epstein's alleged 2019 {{w|suicide note}} quoted in: [https://apnews.com/article/jeffrey-epstein-note-suicide-tartaglione-1363d4b9d0fdc4dcbf6262a6b0030317 A note a former cellmate says he found after Epstein’s suspected suicide attempt is released], ''AP News'' (May 7, 2026) == External links == {{Sister project links|d=Q2904131|commons=Category:Jeffrey Epstein|n=no|b=no|v=no|voy=no|m=no|mw=no|wikt=no|s=no|species=no}} * [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wyf7Ca4TDc Truth & Lies: Jeffrey Epstein l PART 1] {{W|ABC (TV station)|ABC}} [[Youtube]] video {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Epstein, Jeffrey}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:2019 deaths]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Prisoners]] [[Category:Suicides]] [[Category:People from New York City]] 3fhxo7onx2rsyhwljb9fmugcww3lkk6 3944191 3944190 2026-05-22T14:25:46Z Woofboy 2984402 /* 2026 */ added wikilink 3944191 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jeffrey Epstein mug shot.jpg|thumb| I invest in people — be it politics or science. It's what I do.]] [[File:Epstein 2013 mugshot.jpg|thumb|Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a [[W:hedge fund|hedge fund]] manager.]] '''[[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Edward Epstein]]''' (January 20, 1953 - August 10, 2019) was an American [[w:financier|financier]] and [[w:sex offender registry|registered]] [[w:sex offender|sex offender]]. :See also: ::'''''[[Epstein files]]''''' == Quotes == ===2002–2003=== *I invest in people — be it politics or science. It's what I do. **Quoted in [http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ Jeffrey Epstein: International Moneyman of Mystery By Landon Thomas Jr., ''New York'' magazine] (October 28, 2002). * I started at [[w:Bear Stearns|Bear Stearns]] in 1976. Bear Stearns never had any training program. There was no course to begin. [[w:Alan C. Greenberg|Alan Greenberg]] said he wanted me to learn each area of the business. So he thought the best place for me to start would be on the floor of the American Stock Exchange and then later move up to the trading desk and learn all the different areas of the firm including the margin department. He was amazing. ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). * I realize what I am. I’m very comfortable in my own skin. I’m not a helicopter pilot. What I’m really free to do is I feel free to follow my own personality. As we discussed yesterday, I can’t be totally wacko in what I do. It affects lots of other people who will get angry with what I do because then it affects me again. But on my own island or on my own ranch, I can think the thoughts I want to think. I can do the work I want to do and I’m free to explore as I see fit. ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). See also: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M511Wp-elHE on ''Bloomberg Markets and Finance'', YouTube channel] * It attracted me because I thought it would be a different class of students I hadn't come across before, this was going to be the flip-side ** From an interview with David Bank (January 2003), as quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2019-08-14/the-epstein-tapes-unearthed-recordings-from-his-private-island-jzbmb3p1 "The Epstein Tapes: Unearthed Recordings From His Private Island"], ''Bloomberg News'' (August 14, 2019). See also: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M511Wp-elHE on ''Bloomberg Markets and Finance'', YouTube channel] ===2011-2019=== [[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|He’s charming. In a devious way, he’s charming. To some extent it’s a typical tragedy where he believes his own bullshit.]] * [I] want you to realize that that dog that hasn't barked is Trump. [Victim 1] spent hours at my house with him ,, he has never once been mentioned. ** Email to [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (April 2, 2011), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ** Orthographical error in the original source. CBS News reported White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt accused the Democrats of selective leaks to "create a fake narrative" to harm the president. According to Leavitt, the unnamed victim in the emails is Virginia Giuffre, who died in April 2025 and did not accuse Trump of improper conduct. * I was Donald’s closest friend for 10 years. ** Jeffrey Epstein on Donald Trump in interview with [[w:Michael Wolff (journalist)|Michael Wolff]] in 2017. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDK5ttnzz4 Epstein Tapes: "I Was Donald Trump’s Closest Friend" on ''Daily Beast'' YouTube channel] * [On [[Donald Trump]]] He’s charming. In a devious way, he’s charming. To some extent it’s a typical tragedy where he believes his own bullshit. He has delusions of grandiosity, then he takes it on board. * He’s a horrible human being. He does nasty things to his best friends, best friends’ wives, anyone who he first tries to gain their trust and uses it to do bad things to them. ** Interviewed by Michael Wolff on audio tape in 2017, quoted in [https://docs.house.gov/meetings/JU/JU08/20250227/117951/HHRG-119-JU08-20250227-SD006-U6.pdf "Listen To The Jeffrey Epstein Tapes: ‘I Was Donald Trump’s Closest Friend’"] ''U.S. House of Representatives Document Repository'' (February 27, 2025) * Trump said he asked me to resign, [[w:Mar-a-Lago#Club|never a member]] ever.. [O]f course he knew about the girls as he asked [G]hislaine to stop. ** On Trump, to Michael Wolff in an email (January 31, 2019), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ** The two periods before "[O]f course" should not be read as ellipsis. * I just want you to know I’m not a [[pedophile]]. … Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a [[W:hedge fund|hedge fund]] manager. ** As quoted by Charlie Gasparino in [https://www.foxbusiness.com/features/jeffrey-epstein-exclusive-hedge-fund "Jeffrey Epstein before he died"], ''FOXBusiness'' (August 13, 2019). * Still hanging around. ** Jeffrey Epstein's last message August 9th, 2019 through his lawyer to Michael Wolff in response to asking how he was. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9IV_HiRUA&t=254s Jeffrey Epstein's Final Eerie Note Sent Before He Passed Away: Wolff | The Daily Beast Podcast Clip] * Dear L.N. as you know by now, I have taken the ‘short route’ home. Good Luck! We share one thing … our love & caring for young ladies at the hope they’d reach their full potential. Our president also shares our love of young, nubile girls. When a young beauty walked by he loved to ‘grab snatch,’ whereas we ended up snatching grub in the mess halls of the system. Life is unfair. Yours, J. Epstein. **Letter by Jeffrey Epstein to sex offender [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larry_Nassar Larry Nassar] dated August 13, 2025, 3 days after Epstein's death [https://wbznewsradio.iheart.com/content/2025-12-23-epstein-claimed-trump-shares-our-love-in-letter-to-larry-nassar/ "Epstein Claimed Trump 'Shares Our Love' In Letter To Larry Nassar"], ''WBZ NewsRadio'' (December 23, 2025) ==Quotes about Jeffrey Epstein== [[File:Chris-hedges3.JPG|thumb| The Epstein story is a window into the moral bankruptcy, hedonism and greed of the [[ruling class]]. This crosses political lines. It is the common denominator between Democratic politicians, such as [[Bill Clinton]], philanthropists, such as [[Bill Gates]], the [[billionaire]] class, and [[Trump]]. They are one class of predators and grifters. It is not only girls and women they exploit, but all of us. —[[Chris Hedges]]]] ===2002–2015=== * I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life. **[[Donald Trump]], cited in Landon Thomas Jr. [http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ "Jeffrey Epstein: International Moneyman of Mystery"], ''New York'' magazine (October 28, 2002). * [CNN in an interviews with Trump was thought to be about to ask about his association with Epstein] I think you should let him hang himself. If he says he hasn't been on the plane or to the house, then that gives you a valuable PR and political currency. You can hang him in a way that potentially generates a positive benefit for you, or, if it really looks like he could win, you could save him, generating a debt. Of course, it is possible that, when asked, he'll say Jeffrey is a great guy and has gotten a raw deal and is a victim of political correctness, which is to be outlawed in a Trump regime. ** [[w:Michael Wolff (journalist)|Michael Wolff]] email to Epstein (December 15, 2015), as cited in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jeffrey-epstein-donald-trump-emails-house-oversight/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab7e&linkId=877044271 "Jeffrey Epstein said Trump "knew about the girls" in 2019 email to author Michael Wolff, House Democrats allege"], ''CBS News'' (12 November 2025). ===2018–2019=== *2005 March: A 14-year-old girl and her parents report that Jeffrey Epstein molested her at a mansion in Palm Beach. She said a female acquaintance and classmate at Royal Palm Beach High School had taken her to the house to give him a massage in exchange for money. April: Palm Beach police begin trash pulls at Epstein’s home, discovering a telephone message for Epstein with the girl’s name on it, and a time that matched the time that she told police she was there. They find the names and phone numbers of other girls on message slips in his trash. October... Investigators begin interviewing more girls, as well as Epstein’s butlers, who tell them that Epstein had frequent visits from girls throughout the day.... 2006 May: Police sign a probable cause affidavit charging Epstein and two of his assistants with multiple counts of unlawful sex acts with a minor.... June: The grand jury, after hearing from only one girl, returns an indictment of one count of solicitation of prostitution. The charge does not reflect that the victim in question and others were minors. July: ... Lawyers discuss a deferred prosecution in which Epstein would enter a pretrial intervention program and serve no jail time. After pressure from the Palm Beach police chief, the FBI opens a federal investigation **[[w:Julie K Brown|Julie K Brown]], [https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/article221404845.html "For years, Jeffrey Epstein abused teen girls, police say. A timeline of his case"] ''Miami Herald'' {{paywalled source}} (November 28, 2018). * Q Two questions, please. With regard to Jeffrey Epstein, did you have any suspicions that he was molesting young women, underaged women?<br />THE PRESIDENT: No, I had no idea. I had no idea. I haven't spoken to him in many, many years. But I had — I didn't have no idea. * THE PRESIDENT: I was not a fan of Jeffrey Epstein. And you watched people yesterday saying that I threw him out of a club. I didn't want anything to do with him. That was many, many years ago. It shows you one thing: that I have good taste.<br />Now, other people, they went all over with him. They went to his island. They went all over the place. He was very well known in Palm Beach. His island — whatever his island was, wherever it is — I was never there. Find out the people that went to the island. ** [[Donald Trump]] [https://web.archive.org/web/20190713052259/https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-marine-one-departure-52/ "Remarks by President Trump Before Marine One Departure"], Whitehouse.gov website (July 12, 2019). ** At the time Labor Secretary [[Alexander Acosta|Alex Acosta]] resigned. ===2021–2025=== * I wanted to do a story on sex trafficking, but every time I googled Florida and sex trafficking, a story about Jeffrey Epstein came up. ** [[w:Julie K. Brown|Julie K Brown]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/25/meet-julie-k-brown-the-woman-who-brought-down-jeffrey-epstein "Meet Julie K Brown, the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein" by [[w:Andrew Anthony|Andrew Anthony]] in ''The Observer'' (July 25, 2021)] * A not untypical case was Courtney Wild, a straight-A student with a troubled family history, who says she was sexually abused countless times by Epstein and others in his entourage beginning at the age of 14. ... As she tells Brown: “Jeffrey Epstein preyed on girls who were homeless and were addicted to [[drugs]]. He didn’t victimise girls who were Olympic stars and [[Hollywood]] actresses. He victimised people he thought nobody would ever [[listen]] to, and he was right. ** [[w:Andrew Anthony|Andrew Anthony]], [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jul/25/meet-julie-k-brown-the-woman-who-brought-down-jeffrey-epstein "Meet Julie K Brown, the woman who brought down Jeffrey Epstein"] ''The Observer'' (July 25, 2021). * He was never a big factor in terms of life. ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-jeffrey-epstein-hoax-republicans/ 'Trump calls Epstein controversy a "Hoax" and "bulls***," denouncing "weaklings" in GOP'] ''CBS News'' (July 16, 2025) * '''The Epstein story is a window into the moral bankruptcy, hedonism and greed of the [[ruling class]]. This crosses political lines. It is the common denominator between Democratic politicians, such as [[Bill Clinton]], philanthropists, such as [[Bill Gates]], the [[billionaire]] class, and [[Trump]]. They are one class of predators and grifters. It is not only girls and women they exploit, but all of us.''' ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2025/07/13/chris-hedges-trump-epstein-and-the-deep-state/ Trump, Epstein and the Deep State]. Scheerpost. July 13, 2025. === 2026 === * I know that Epstein was a [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] asset ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * You're a solid person Jeffrey and that means the world to me. [2009] * Dear Jeffrey PLEASE just try her in bed. [2011] ** Ramsey Elkholy in emails to Epstein, quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cm2kn7nj00ro "Agent begged Epstein to have sex with model, emails show"], ''BBC News'' (March 28, 2026) == Disputed == * They investigated me for month - FOUND NOTHING!!! So 15 year old charges resulted. It is a treat to be able to choose one's time to say goodbye. Watcha want me to do - Bust out cryin!! NO FUN - NOT WORTH IT. ** Epstein's alleged 2019 {{w|suicide note}} quoted in: [https://apnews.com/article/jeffrey-epstein-note-suicide-tartaglione-1363d4b9d0fdc4dcbf6262a6b0030317 A note a former cellmate says he found after Epstein’s suspected suicide attempt is released], ''AP News'' (May 7, 2026) == External links == {{Sister project links|d=Q2904131|commons=Category:Jeffrey Epstein|n=no|b=no|v=no|voy=no|m=no|mw=no|wikt=no|s=no|species=no}} * [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wyf7Ca4TDc Truth & Lies: Jeffrey Epstein l PART 1] {{W|ABC (TV station)|ABC}} [[Youtube]] video {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Epstein, Jeffrey}} [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:2019 deaths]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Prisoners]] [[Category:Suicides]] [[Category:People from New York City]] 04wfq8mn5d7khs1nqkvotb5a0cmwfje 0 211918 3944401 3408030 2026-05-23T07:18:32Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United States]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944401 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Democratic Socialists Occupy Wall Street 2011 Shankbone.JPG|thumb|Instead of running candidates in elections, Democratic Socialists of America work for reforms to weaken the power of corporations and strengthen the power of the people.]] [[File:Krystal Ball (D), candidate for US House in VA-01.jpg|thumb|What really scares the pro-[[plutocrats]] on both sides of the political aisle about...[[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [[Bernie Sanders]] and other [[democratic socialist]]s is that they have... an actual vision — the simple idea that it’s up to government to intervene and equalize the playing field between the capital that owns the politicians, the system and the rewards, and the general public toiling to provide those rewards [[w: Krystal Ball|Krystal Ball]] ]] '''[[W:Democratic Socialists of America|Democratic Socialists of America]]''' is a [[w:Democratic Socialists of America#Tendencies within the DSA|multi-tendency]] [[w:Socialism|socialist]] and [[w:Labour movement|labor]]-oriented [[w:nonprofit organization|nonprofit organization]] of [[Democratic socialism|democratic socialist]], [[Social democracy|social democratic]] and [[Labor movement|labor-oriented]] members who instead of running candidates in [[elections]], work for reforms to weaken the power of [[corporations]] and strengthen the power of [[Working class|working people]]. DSA is the largest socialist organization in the [[United States]] in the [[21st century]]. It currently is led by National Director [[w:Maria_Svart|Maria Svart]] and has endorsed three representatives in the [[United States Congress]] - [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]], [[Cori Bush]], and [[Rashida Tlaib]]. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == *[[Capitalism]] is a system designed by the [[Ruling class|owning class]] to exploit the rest of us for their own profit. We must replace it with democratic socialism, a system where ordinary people have a real voice in our workplaces, neighborhoods, and society... We believe there are many avenues that feed into the democratic road to socialism. Our vision pushes further than historic social democracy and leaves behind [[Authoritarianism|authoritarian]] visions of socialism in the dustbin of history.. We want a democracy that creates space for us all to flourish not just survive and answers the fundamental questions of our lives with the input of all. We want to collectively own the key economic drivers that dominate our lives, such as energy production and transportation. We want the multiracial working class united in solidarity instead of divided by fear. We want to win “radical” reforms like single-payer [[w:Medicare_for_All|Medicare for All]], defunding the police/refunding communities, the [[Green New Deal]], and more as a transition to a freer, more just life. **[https://www.dsausa.org/about-us/what-is-democratic-socialism/ What is Democratic Socialism? ''Democratic Socialists of America'',] 2021 *''Young Democratic Socialists of America'' is the youth and student section of the Democratic Socialists of America, and a national organization of recognized campus chapters and several hundred activists. We are students organizing in our universities, colleges, and high schools to fight for the immediate needs of workers and students while building our capacity to fight for more radical and structural changes. We work with labor campaigns to organize student workers of staff. We organize to defend immigrants through campaigns for sanctuary campuses. We campaign to divest our schools from fossil fuels. We do anti-poverty work through local mutual aid programs in our communities, and much much more. **[https://y.dsausa.org/ ''Young Democratic Socialists of America'' (2021)] ==Quotes about== *In the long run democratic socialists want to end capitalism... by pursuing a reform agenda today in an effort to revive a politics focused on class hierarchy and [[inequality]]... The eventual goal is to transform the world to promote everyone’s needs rather than to produce massive profits for a small handful of citizens.<BR>When democratic socialists choose reforms to rally behind, we favor battles with the potential to transform ordinary people’s lives for the better and teach millions of people the value of uniting to fight the capitalist Goliaths currently in charge of our society. **Megan Day in [https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/8/1/17637028/bernie-sanders-alexandria-ocasio-cortez-cynthia-nixon-democratic-socialism-jacobin-dsa ''Democratic socialism, explained by a democratic socialist, Vox]'' (1 August 2018) *The thousands of democratic socialists in the United States who have been organizing and fighting for justice in political obscurity for years likely never thought their ideas would be the subject of heated debates on prominent talk-shows like "The View" or feature pieces in such establishment mainstays as [[w:Public_Broadcasting_System|PBS]] and [[National Public Radio|NPR]]. But—driven in large part by the persistent popularity of [[Bernie Sanders]]' brand of [[politics]] and the recent landslide victory of self-described democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in New York's congressional primary—the past several weeks have seen a torrent of news headlines, [[television]] segments, and hot takes on democratic socialism's rapid emergence into everyday political discourse, an indication that ideas previously defined as "fringe" by corporate media outlets, pundits, and politicians are quickly going mainstream. **[https://www.commondreams.org/news/2018/07/31/socialism-rise-americans-seek-out-bold-humane-alternatives-brutality-trump-and Socialism on the Rise as Americans Seek Out Bold, Humane Alternatives to the Brutality of Trump and Capitalism, Jake Johnson, ''Common Dreams''], July 31, 2018 *It's easy to focus on the "socialist" part here, but the word "democratic" is also a part of the group's name, and members often stress that part of their ideology. They say putting workers in charge of businesses, for example, necessarily makes those businesses more democratic... In addition to skyrocketing growth, the group is benefiting from young American adults growing more open to socialist ideas. One 2016 [[Harvard University|Harvard]] poll of 18 to 29 year olds found that 33 percent supported socialism. Capitalism was only slightly more popular with that cohort, drawing 42 percent support. "Thanks to the [[Financial crisis of 2007–08|economic downturn of 2008]], which turned the millennial generation in a significant way to the left, it made them much more open to the idea of socialism," Isserman explained. On top of that, he added, movements like [[Black Lives Matter]] and [[Occupy Wall Street]] acquainted young Americans with organizing, making them more open to a group like DSA, with its ambitious agenda. And [[Bernie Sanders]], despite not being a DSA member, claimed the label of "democratic socialist," helping the group gain visibility as well. **[https://www.npr.org/2018/07/26/630960719/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-democratic-socialists-of-america What You Need To Know About The Democratic Socialists Of America by Danielle Kurtzleben and Kenny Malone, ''NPR''], July 26, 2018 *Socialism is no longer a dirty word in the U.S," noted the ''[[The Guardian|Guardian]]'''s Arwa Mahdawi in a recent column highlighting the massive surge of interest in socialism over the past several months, which has translated into a record-breaking membership spike for the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA). Previously hovering below ten thousand members, DSA's membership exploded past 20,000 in the months following [[Donald Trump]]'s victory in the 2016 presidential elections. Now, just over a month after Ocasio-Cortez trounced corporate Democrat Rep. [[w:Joe_Crowley|Joe Crowley]], DSA boasts more than 47,000 dues-paying members....It should perhaps come as no surprise that Americans—and millennials in particular—are seeking a bold and humane alternative to capitalism, a system that has produced staggering and ever-growing levels of inequality, rampant poverty, an existential environmental crisis, and, of course, soaring wealth for the few at the very top. **[https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-meyerson-socialism-resurgence-20180719-story.html Op-Ed: Americans like socialism now, By Harold Meyerson, ''Los Angeles Times''], July 19, 2018 *The next generation of socialists believes that the intolerable cannot be tolerated. And if you believe that, you just might be a socialist yourself... The word “socialism” is becoming more and more mainstream. When Democratic Sen. [[Bernie Sanders]] launched his 2016 presidential bid, only a fringe few dared to use the label. To call yourself a socialist was supposedly a political death sentence. Now, in part thanks to Sanders, many are wearing “socialism” as a badge of pride. Dozens of socialist candidates have won seats all over the country, including two members of Congress, and membership in the Democratic Socialists of America has exploded. According to a 2019 YouGov poll, 70 percent of millennials now say they would vote for a socialist. But what is socialism? How do you know whether you’re a socialist? Could you be one already without knowing it? In fact, it can be difficult to answer the question of what precisely socialism is, because socialists themselves disagree over it. That’s not surprising; Democrats disagree over what it means to be a Democrat, too. **[https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/millennials-support-socialism-because-they-want-make-america-great-everyone-ncna1109191 Millennials support socialism because they want to make America great — but for everyone By Nathan J. Robinson, ''NBC News'' ] Jan. 1, 2020 ==See also== * [[Democratic socialism]] * [[Social democracy]] * [[:Category:Socialism|List of Wikiquote articles related to socialism]] * [[:Category:Socialists|List of Wikiquote articles on socialist thinkers and activists]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Political parties in the United States]] [[Category:Socialism]] bjl6lnrjk3ap7zucf2dp0gveb4aa60w 0 212174 3944238 3899270 2026-05-22T17:47:02Z Philip Cross 7192 update 3944238 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Tulsi Gabbard, official portrait, 113th Congress (cropped 3).jpg|thumb|When we stand together, [[united]] by our [[love]] for each other and for our [[country]], there is no [[challenge]] we cannot overcome.]] '''[[w:Tulsi Gabbard|Tulsi Gabbard]]''' (/ˈtʌlsi ˈɡæbərd/; born [[April 12]], 1981) is an American former politician and [[w:United States Army Reserve|United States Army Reserve]] officer who served as the [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Hawaii's 2nd congressional district|Hawaii's 2nd congressional district]] from 2013 to 2021. Elected in 2012, she was the first [[Hindu]] member of [[United States Congress|Congress]] and also the first [[w:Samoan-American|Samoan-American]] voting member of Congress. An [[w:Tulsi Gabbard 2020 presidential campaign|unsuccessful presidential candidate]] for the [[w:2020 Democratic Party presidential primaries|Democratic nomination]] in the [[w:2020 United States presidential election|2020 presidential election]], she endorsed [[Donald Trump]] in [[2024 United States presidential election|2024]]. Trump appointed Gabbard as [[w:Director of National Intelligence|Director of National Intelligence]]; she continued in this role until mid-2026 when she resigned for family reasons. == Quotes == [[File:Tulsi pic.jpg|thumb|[[w:Aloha|Aloha]] is deep [[love]] & [[respect]] for one another that transcends any differences. Aloha [[inspires]] us to take [[action]] — to serve, to care for, & protect others. [[Service]] before [[self]].]] [[File:2013 Civil Rights Luncheon (8473618211).jpg|thumb|Standing up for [[freedom of religion]] for [[all]] [[people]] is as critical [[now]] as it’s ever been — [[hatred]] and [[bigotry]] are casting a [[dark]] [[shadow]] over our [[political]] [[system]] and threatening the very fabric of our [[country]].]] ===2014=== *The [[United States of America]] should always stand for [[religious freedom]] for all people in all countries and should always work to that end. ** [https://gabbard.house.gov/news/press-releases/rep-tulsi-gabbard-statement-tom-lantos-human-rights-commission-hearing Statement at the Tom Lantos Human Rights Commission hearing on "The Plight of Religious Minorities in India" (April 4, 2014)] ===2017=== * I’ve never heard him say anything hateful, or say anything mean about anybody … I can speak to my own personal experience and, frankly, my gratitude to him, for the gift of this wonderful spiritual practice that he has given to me, and to so many people. ** Speaking of [https://www.chrisbutlerspeaks.com/about-chris-butler Chris Butler, creator of the Science of Identity Foundation], as quoted in [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/11/06/what-does-tulsi-gabbard-believe "What Does Tulsi Gabbard Believe?" by Kelefa Sanneh, in ''The New Yorker'' (6 November 2017)] ===2018=== * Hey [[Donald Trump|@realdonaldtrump]]: being [[Saudi Arabia]]'s bitch is not "America First." ** On official US responses accommodating extensive Saudia Arabian [[disinformation]] regarding strong evidence of the deliberate [[murder]] of journalist [[Jamal Khashoggi]] in their consulate in [[Istanbul]], [[Turkey]], as quoted in [http://www.hawaiinewsnow.com/2018/11/21/rep-tulsi-gabbard-uses-profanity-tweet-slam-president/ "Gabbard skewers Trump on Saudi Arabia stance with profanity in tweet" (November 21, 2018)] ===2019=== * Will you stand for the humanity of the Yemeni people? Will you stand against Saudi Arabia’s genocidal war? Or will you continue to support this war that has caused 22 million Yemeni people to be in desperate need of humanitarian aid? To cause these 85,000 children to have died from starvation, to have caused the dropping of U.S.-made bombs on innocent civilians, killing tens of thousands of people. This is such an urgent action that must be taken by the United States Congress to assert its authority and end United States support for this genocidal war in Yemen. ** As quoted in [https://therealnews.com/stories/will-the-new-congress-end-u-s-allegiance-to-saudi-arabia-and-the-war-in-yemen "'''Will the New Congress End U.S. Allegiance to Saudi Arabia and the War in Yemen?'''", interview by Sharmini Peries, in ''The Real News''] (January 6, 2019) *Trump… Nikki Haley...Mike Pompeo... The people around John Bolton. These people are advocating for strengthening our economy, and if the only way they can do that is by building that economy based on building and selling weapons to countries that are using them to slaughter and murder innocent people, then we need new leaders in this country. The American people deserve better than that. ** As quoted in "Will the New Congress End U.S. Allegiance to Saudi Arabia and the War in Yemen?", interview by Sharmini Peries, in ''The Real News'' (January 6, 2019) * I have decided to run and will be making a formal announcement within the next week. … There are a lot of reasons for me to make this decision. There are a lot of challenges that are facing the American people that I'm concerned about and that I want to help solve … There is one main issue that is central to the rest, and that is the issue of [[war]] and [[peace]] … I look forward to being able to get into this and to talk about it in depth when we make our announcement. ** Indicating her intent to formally declare her candidacy as the Democratic nominee for the US Presidency, to [[Van Jones]], during an interview recorded January 11, 2019, for ''The Van Jones Show'', as quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/11/politics/tulsi-gabbard-van-jones/index.html "'''Tulsi Gabbard says she will run for president in 2020'''" by Caroline Kelly, ''CNN'' (11 January 2019)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74ciO5JzgCk full interview on ''The Van Jones Show'' (January 12, 2019)] * When I deployed to Iraq with my fellow soldiers, putting our lives on the line for our country, no one questioned our patriotism because of our religion. No one asked whether we could be trusted because we were Jewish, Catholic, Muslim or atheist. We all took an oath to serve our country and defend the freedoms enshrined in our Constitution. <br /> My military service has shaped who I am today. While in the Middle East, I saw how quickly religious sectarianism and bigotry can lead to the disintegration of a country — how leaders manipulate people to fear others who are different, who look different or who have different beliefs. <br /> I also experienced how we as people of the world have more in common than we think. Beneath our various beliefs and appearances is our common [[humanity]]. This commitment to equality and justice for all is the ideal that our country was founded upon and that we continue to aspire to as people. We cannot be complacent and must vigilantly affirm this again and again, as bigotry and hatred have an insidious way of seeping into our society. ** [https://pantheon-live.religionnews.com/2019/01/26/tulsi-gabbard-religious-bigotry-is-un-american/ "'''Tulsi Gabbard: Religious bigotry is un-American'''", in ''Religious News Service'' (26 January 2019)] *Our country was established on the basis of freedom of religion, and the Constitution states there would never be any religious test for any public office. It is a freedom enshrined in our Constitution, and that every member of Congress takes an oath to protect — a freedom that many heroes have given their lives to defend. Nothing is more important to our democracy than this freedom. ** "Tulsi Gabbard: '''Religious bigotry is un-American'''", in ''Religious News Service'' (26 January 2019) *The fact that marijuana's still a Schedule I drug is unacceptable in the harm that it is causing to the people of our country and to taxpayers as well...The impact this has on individuals, potentially leading to criminal records that impact them, their families, their ability to get a job, housing, financial aid for college—the impacts of this are great... *I don't smoke marijuana. I never have... But I believe firmly in every person's freedom to make their own choices, and that people should not be thrown in jail and incarcerated or made into criminals for choosing to smoke marijuana whether it be for medicinal and non-medicinal purposes. *There's no question that this overall war on drugs has not only been a failure, it has created and exacerbated a number of other problems that continue to afflict people in this country... **Quoted in: [https://www.forbes.com/sites/tomangell/2019/03/07/for-tulsi-gabbard-marijuana-sits-at-nexus-of-good-policy-and-smart-politics/ '''''For Tulsi Gabbard, Marijuana Sits At Nexus Of Good Policy And Smart Politics,''' Forbes, nu Tom Angell ''] (March 7, 2019) *Let me say that there is no one in our government, at any level, who has the right to tell any American who they should be allowed to love or who they should be allowed to marry. My record in Congress for over six years shows my commitment to fighting for LGBTQ equality. I serve on the equality caucus and recently voted for passage of the Equality Act... Maybe many people in this county can relate to the fact that I grew up in a socially conservative home, held views when I was very young that I no longer hold today. I served with LGBT service members both in training and deployed downrange. I know that they would give their life me, and I would give my life for them. **[https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/in-a-lineup-rich-with-liars-and-scandals-tulsi-gabbard-was-the-only-2020-candidate-made-to-answer-for-her-past ''In a lineup rich with liars and scandals, Tulsi Gabbard was the only 2020 candidate made to answer for her past, Washington Examiner,'' Becket Adams], (June 27, 2019) *How can you say Saudi Arabia is a great partner in fighting terrorism when they are fueling and funding terrorist groups in Yemen? **[https://www.foxnews.com/media/tulsi-gabbard-defends-debate-claim-that-trump-supports-al-qaeda-to-shannon-bream August 1, 2019] *If they can falsely portray me as a traitor, then they can do it to anyone -- and in fact, that's exactly the message they want to get across to you... If you stand up to Hillary and the party power brokers -- if you stand up to the rich and powerful elite and the war machine, they will destroy you and discredit your message. But, here is the truth: They will not intimidate us. They will not silence us. *People warned me in 2016 that my endorsement of Bernie Sanders would be the end of my 'political career' -- they said Clinton would never forget... that she and her rich and powerful friends -- her allies in politics and the media -- will make sure you're destroyed. *''The New York Times'' and CNN have smeared veterans like myself for calling for an end to this regime-change war. Just two days ago, ''The New York Times'' put out an article saying I'm a Russian asset and an Assad apologist, and all these different smears. This morning, a CNN commentator said on national television that I'm an asset of Russia. Completely despicable. **[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/tulsi-gabbard-hillary-clinton-smears-bernie-sanders-endorsement "Gabbard, in defiant video, links Clinton 'smears' to her previous Sanders endorsement"] ''Fox News'' (October 20, 2019) *Great! Thank you @HillaryClinton. You, the queen of warmongers, embodiment of corruption, and personification of the rot that has sickened the Democratic Party for so long, have finally come out from behind the curtain. **[https://www.foxnews.com/politics/tulsi-gabbard-hillary-clinton-smears-bernie-sanders-endorsement ''Twitter post published by Fox News'']. (October 18, 2019) ===2022=== *Warmongers argue that we must protect [[Ukraine]] because it is a “democracy.” But they’re lying. Ukraine isn't actually a democracy. To hold onto power, Ukraine's president shut down the 3 TV stations that criticized him, and imprisoned the head of the opposition political party which came in 2nd place in the election, and arrested and jailed its leaders (exactly what Putin has been accused of doing)—all with the support of U.S. ** February 19, 2022 via [https://nitter.net/TulsiGabbard/status/1494981580468621313 Nitter account] * I can no longer remain in today’s Democratic Party. It’s now under the complete control of an elitist cabal of warmongers driven by cowardly wokeness, who divide us by racializing every issue & stoking anti-white racism, who actively work to undermine our God-given freedoms enshrined in our Constitution. ** Statement on ''The Tulsi Gabbard Show'' podcast, cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/10/11/politics/tulsi-gabbard-leaves-democratic-party/index.html "Tulsi Gabbard, who sought 2020 Democratic nomination, says she’s leaving party"] CNN (October 11, 2022) === 2025 === * Political elite warmongers are carelessly fomenting fear intentions between nuclear powers. Perhaps it's because they are confident that they will have access to nuclear shelters for themselves and for their families that regular people won't have access. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/tulsi-gabbard-dni-nuclear-deep-state-b2767607.html "Tulsi Gabbard releases ‘unhinged’ video claiming ‘warmongers’ want a nuclear conflict they know they’ll survive"] ''Independent'' (June 10, 2025) == Quotes about Gabbard == ===2013=== * Gabbard may be a progressive vote on social and environmental issues, but on defense she’s solidly pro-military. … "I understand firsthand the value of using counter-terrorism warfare tactics and strategies overseas in dealing with 21st century threats," she said. "But these tactics should never be used against our own citizens here at home. Just as U.S. law enforcement strategies do not apply in war with a foreign enemy, drone strikes and other counter-terrorism tactics should not be targeting non-combatant U.S. citizens." <br /> "I think there’s no question that the use of drones in civilian causalities is absolutely wrong, as well as the use of drones against American citizens who have the right to due process within our own system." … And that’s the all of Gabbard’s March 8 statement on drones. She said much the same thing on ''Meet the Press'' on March 10, insisting that drone attacks needed to occur over "enemy territory." Gabbard is saying that she supports the use of drones to kill suspected terrorists, including those born in the U.S., as long as it happens overseas. Her use of qualifiers like "at home" and "non-combatant" make that clear. <br /> This is identical to current U.S. policy. **Anthony Pignataro, in [http://mauitime.com/news/what-us-representative-tulsi-gabbard-thinks-about-republican-budgets-and-targeted-drone-killings/ "'''What US Representative Tulsi Gabbard Thinks About Republican Budgets And Targeted Drone Killings,'''" ''mauitime'' (March 14, 2013)] ===2014=== *On July 29, the U.S. House of Representatives, with more than 100 co-sponsors from both parties, passed a resolution by unanimous consent insisting that the Israeli attacks were exclusively "focused on terrorist targets" and that Israel "goes to extraordinary lengths to target only terrorist actors." Co-sponsors included such prominent Democrats as Alan Grayson (FL), Jared Polis (CO), Eric Swalwell (CA), Richard Neal (MA), Joseph Kennedy (MA), Tulsi Gabbard (HI), Jan Schakowsky (IL), Brad Sherman (CA), Elliot Engel (NY), and Debbie Wasserman-Schulz (FL) ** Stephen Zunes, in [http://www.counterpunch.org/2014/10/22/gaza-and-the-bi-partisan-war-on-human-rights/ "Gaza and the Bi-Partisan War on Human Rights" ''CounterPunch'' (October 22, 2014)] ===2017=== *Gabbard initially refused to say who financed her trip to Syria. However, in a press release Wednesday Gabbard revealed her delegation had been "led and sponsored by" an outfit called the Arab American Community Center for Economic and Social Services (AACCESS—Ohio). Her statement added she and the rest of the delegation had been accompanied by two men, Elie and Bassam Khawam. <br /> Who, then, are the Khawams? Gabbard’s press release described the pair as "longtime peace advocates." <br /> In truth, Bassam and Elie Khawam are both officials in the Syrian Social Nationalist Party (SSNP), a political party and paramilitary organization founded in Lebanon in 1932, and currently actively engaged in the Syrian civil war on the side of the Assad regime. The pair are two of the key U.S.-based point men for the party — and, by extension, the Syrian dictatorship. On its home turf of Lebanon, the SSNP is known for many things, peace advocacy not being one of them. ** Alex Rowell, Tim Mak, and Michael Weiss, in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/tulsi-gabbards-fascist-escorts-to-syria "Tulsi Gabbard’s Fascist Escorts to Syria", in ''The Daily Beast'' (26 January 2017)]; to this article was appended the update: :: <small>Subsequent to the publication of this article, one of the members of Congresswoman Gabbard's delegation, Elie Khawam, contacted ''The Daily Beast''. While admitting that he was a member of the SSNP, he claimed the party had no official involvement "in any way, shape, or form" with the congresswoman's delegation. "The SSNP has nothing to do with that trip, or with any trip that we [meaning him and his brother, Bassam] ever made in the past or in the future. It is totally independent," he asserted. Mr Khawam also objected to being described as a "fascist," claiming his party's anti-Jewish rhetoric had "nothing to do with Jews as a religion."</small> *All politicians must act as if they enjoy patriotic ceremonies, but Gabbard is one of the few who seem as if they were not acting. She is thirty-six, and has a knack for projecting both youthful joy and grownup gravitas. Her political profile is similarly hybrid. She is a fervent [[Bernie Sanders]] supporter with equally fervent bipartisan tendencies — known, roughly equally, for her concern for the treatment of veterans and her opposition to U.S. intervention abroad. She is also a vegetarian and a practicing Hindu — the first Hindu ever elected to Congress — as well as a lifelong surfer and an accomplished athlete. On Capitol Hill, she is often regarded as a glamorous anomaly: a Hawaiian action figure, fabulously out of place among her besuited colleagues. “She’s almost straight from central casting, if you need a heroine,” [[Van Jones]], the progressive activist, says. ** [[w:Kelefa Sanneh|Kelefa Sanneh]], in [https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/11/06/what-does-tulsi-gabbard-believe "What Does Tulsi Gabbard Believe?" in ''The New Yorker,'' (November 6, 2017)] ===2018=== * The wake up call, for most of us, came when Gabbard met with [[Trump]] soon after his inauguration and then with [[Bashar al-Assad|Assad]], instead of marching on DC with us and the rest of the Hawaii’s congressional delegation during the Women’s March in protest of what has become an unprecedented abolition of human and civil rights in America. … The incumbent clearly has an agenda that does not involve her constituents and we are waking up to the fact that our needs are taking a back seat to her ambitions. ** Sherry Alu Campagna, unsuccessful primary challenger for her Congressional seat, as quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/aug/10/tulsi-gabbard-how-a-progressive-rising-star-is-a-paradox-for-the-left "'''Tulsi Gabbard: how a progressive rising star is a paradox for the left'''" by Sabrina Siddiqui, in ''The Guardian'' (August 10, 2018)] * Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard — who typically chooses words carefully — lit up the internet Wednesday with a scathing tweet criticizing [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] for standing by [[Saudi Arabia]]’s rulers despite the murder of journalist. The tweet, which included a profane word, has been liked more than 70,000 times and generated national headlines. And her office made clear that the tweet wasn’t a slip-up, but reflected her true feelings. Political onlookers say it’s the latest example of a Hawaii politician, like those on the mainland, using profane and at-times crass language to try cut through the noise and make a point. ** Mahealani Richardson, in [http://www.hawaiinewsnow.com/2018/11/22/gabbard-other-local-politicians-use-profanity-make-point/ "'''What’s up with all the profanity from Hawaii politicians? One thing it’s not is accidental'''", ''Hawaii News Now,'' (November 21, 2018)] * Whether Gabbard will mount a bid for the Democratic Party’s nomination for president is something she said she’s "thinking through very carefully." … Gabbard would join a crowded Democratic field if she does run. By some estimates it may include more 30 people, many of whom, like former Vice President [[Joe Biden]], have decades more experience and greater name recognition. <br /> Yet she won't have to worry about standing out. <br /> She's almost guaranteed to be the youngest. Right now, she's barely old enough to run. The Constitution requires the president to be at least 35. She's part Samoan, part Caucasian. She's the first [[Hindu]] elected to Congress, and was sworn into office with her hand on the ''[[Bhagavad Gita]]''. Her parents homeschooled her and her four siblings. She's a combat veteran. She was first elected to office at age 21, when she won a seat in the Hawaii state House of Representatives. She surfs in her spare time. ** [http://www.hawaiinewsnow.com/2018/12/19/used-bucking-establishment-gabbard-eyes-white-house-run/ Associated Press report, "'''Used to bucking establishment, Gabbard eyes White House run'''", in ''Hawaii News Now'' (December 19, 2018)] ===2019=== * The first Hindu woman to serve in the House, Gabbard would be the youngest US president ever if she wins; she'll be 39 on Inauguration Day 2021. ** Neal Colgrass, in [http://www.newser.com/story/269830/lesser-known-candidate-is-running-for-president.html "'''War Veteran Throws Hat in the Ring for 2020'''", ''newer'' (January 12, 2019)] *While most candidates shy away from [[U.S. foreign policy|foreign policy]], Congressmember Gabbard has made foreign policy—particularly ending war—the centerpiece of her campaign. She was truly impressive in her March 10 CNN Town Hall, talking more honestly about U.S. wars than any other presidential candidate in recent history. Gabbard promises to end senseless wars like the one she witnessed as a [[w: U.S. National Guard|National Guard]] officer in Iraq. She unequivocally states her opposition to U.S. "regime change" interventions, as well as the [[New Cold War]] and [[w:arms race|arms race]] with Russia, and supports rejoining the [[w:Iran nuclear deal|Iran nuclear deal]]. She was also an original cosponsor of Rep. Khanna's Yemen War Powers bill.<BR>Gabbard still believes in a militarized approach to counterterrorism, despite studies showing that this feeds a self-perpetuating cycle of violence on both sides... She is still in the military herself and embraces what she calls a "military mindset." She ended her CNN Town Hall by saying that being Commander-in-Chief is the most important part of being president. **[[Medea Benjamin]] & Nicolas J S Davies [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2019/03/27/war-and-peace-and-2020-presidential-candidates '''''War and Peace and the 2020 Presidential Candidates''', Common Dreams''] (March 27, 2019) * Tulsi Gabbard was made to answer for her past advocacy for traditional marriage during the first 2020 Democratic primary debate. The weird thing is: The Hawaii congresswoman was the only candidate required all Wednesday evening to address controversial past statements and actions. That is bizarre, considering the debate lineup featured candidates with ugly personal histories and some with actual criminal backgrounds. *“Let me say that there is no one in our government, at any level, who has the right to tell any American who they should be allowed to love or who they should be allowed to marry. My record in Congress for over six years shows my commitment to fighting for LGBTQ equality. I serve on the equality caucus and recently voted for passage of the Equality Act." Gabbard added, “Maybe many people in this county can relate to the fact that I grew up in a socially conservative home, held views when I was very young that I no longer hold today. I served with LGBT service members both in training and deployed downrange. I know that they would give their life me, and I would give my life for them.” **[https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/in-a-lineup-rich-with-liars-and-scandals-tulsi-gabbard-was-the-only-2020-candidate-made-to-answer-for-her-past ''In a lineup rich with liars and scandals, Tulsi Gabbard was the only 2020 candidate made to answer for her past, Washington Examiner,'' Becket Adams], (June 27, 2019) ===2022=== *Kentucky Senator [[Rand Paul]] and former Hawaii Representative Tulsi Gabbard have been listed by Ukraine among a number of American politicians, academics and activists Kyiv claims have promoted "Russian propaganda."... The list was compiled by the Ukrainian Center for Countering Disinformation, founded in 2021 by Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky... Former Rep. Gabbard said that the U.S. had provoked Putin for many years and that there are 25 dangerous biolabs in Ukraine that could release deadly pathogens. **[https://www.newsweek.com/tulsi-gabbard-rand-paul-placed-list-russian-propagandists-ukraine-1727831 Tulsi Gabbard, Rand Paul Placed on List of Russian Propagandists by Ukraine, ''Newsweek'',] July 26, 2022 == Video clips == * [https://www.cnn.com/2024/11/15/politics/video/tulsi-gabbard-controversial-pick-marquardt-dnt-digvid Why critics say Gabbard is a controversial choice for spy chief] on [[CNN]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [http://gabbard.house.gov/ Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, at official U.S. House website] * [http://www.votetulsi.com/ Tulsi Gabbard for Congress] * [http://www.healthyhawaiicoalition.com/ Healthy Hawai'i Coalition (HHC)] * {{Dmoz|Regional/North_America/United_States/Hawaii/Government/Federal/US_House_of_Representatives/Tulsi_Gabbard_%5BD-2%5D}} * [http://www.indiawest.com/news/global_indian/rep-tulsi-gabbard-gets-married-in-traditional-hindu-wedding/article_9985d058-dfe2-11e4-9f38-b7f07ff89d53.html "Rep. Tulsi Gabbard Gets Married in Traditional Hindu Wedding" (10 April 2015)] * [http://www.makers.com/tulsi-gabbard Tulsi Gabbard: US Congresswoman, Hawaii — interview videos at ''Makers: Women Who Make America'' (2018)] * [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBTNyrZoiTweJ1PZsJgdWTA Official channel at YouTube] * [https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Tulsi+Gabbard Videos related to Tulsi Gabbard at YouTube] {{DEFAULTSORT:Gabbard, Tulsi}} [[Category:1981 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:21st-century American women politicians]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Environmentalists from the United States]] [[Category:Hindus from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:People from American Samoa]] [[Category:Politicians from Hawaii]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:State legislators of the United States]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:United States Directors of National Intelligence]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2020]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] qmb7jd1bgyeflu4n9n3bmyimeh02lo8 0 212747 3944379 3698799 2026-05-23T07:05:42Z EarthDude 3228931 Added a relevant cat 3944379 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Four-swastika_collage_(transparent).png|right|thumb|The ''swastika'' is a symbol with many styles and meanings and can be found in many cultures.]] The '''[[w:swastika|swastika]]''' symbol, 卐 or 卍, is an ancient religious symbol in various Eurasian cultures, now also widely recognized for its appropriation by the [[w:Nazi Party|Nazi Party]] and by [[w:neo-Nazis|neo-Nazis]]. It continues to be used as a symbol of divinity and spirituality in [[Indic religions]], including [[Hinduism]], [[Buddhism]] and [[Jainism]]. It generally takes the form of a cross, the arms of which are of equal length and perpendicular to the adjacent arms, each bent midway at a right angle. ==Quotes== *When I was a schoolboy in [[England]], the old bound volumes of [[Kipling]] in the [[library]] had gilt [[w:Swastika|swastika]]s embossed on their covers. The symbol's 'hooks' were left-handed, as opposed to the right-handed ones of the [[Nazi]] ''hakenkreuz'', but for a boy growing up after 1945 the shock of encountering the [[emblem]] at all was a memorable one. I later learned that in the mid-1930s Kipling had caused this 'signature' to be removed from all his future editions. Having initially sympathized with some of the early [[Europe]]an [[fascist]] movements, he wanted to express his repudiation of Hitlerism (or 'the Hun,' as he would perhaps have preferred to say), and wanted no part in tainting the ancient [[Indian]] rune by association. In its origin it is a [[Hindu]] and [[Jain]]as symbol for [[light]], and well worth rescuing. **[[Christopher Hitchens]], in [http://books.google.co.in/books?id=N1RGoXNx78IC Love, Poverty, and War: Journeys and Essays], p. 40 * This reversal of the swastika's meaning, from a sign of luck (always depicted on the hand of opulent Ganesh) to a sign of evil, is somewhat like the story of the Christian image of the devil : he is depicted with buck's horns, a clear reference to the horned god of Paganism (like the Pashupati on one of the Indus seals). The positive imagery of Paganism got integrated into Christian imagery, but then as the symbol of evil. Now that we are no longer bound by the compulsions of the missionary project, we may clear the horned god, as well as the swastika, of the evil aura with which outsiders have covered them... I think it is a matter of sensitivity to display those swastikas only in very modest ways, for as long as people who have lived through the horrors of the Nazi regime are with us... some time in the next century the Swastika may regain its rightful place as a profound and timeless symbol, untainted by the accidental and misconceived association with Nazism. **Elst, Koenraad. Ayodhya and After: Issues Before Hindu Society (1991) *Contrary to what Indian secularists would like to insunate before ignorant Western press correspondents, Hindus have never strayed from the traditional use and interpretation of the swastika, and never allowed it to be tainted by the misunderstandings of semi-literate political agitators in Europe. ** Elst, K. (2010). The saffron swastika: The notion of "Hindu fascism". p 942 * The svastika, commonly used as an aniconic representation of the [[Buddha]], is also homologous with the [[Dharmachakra|wheel]]. If the svastika is compared with the figure of the cross inscribed within a circle, the basic equivalence of the two symbols is apparent, the rotation of the wheel being indicated in the first case by the circumference of the circle and in the svastika by the lines at right angles to the four arms of the cross, which are to be thought of in the manner of ribbons streaming in the wind. Like the wheel, the svastika represents movement about a fixed and unmoving axis and, like the wheel, it is a symbol of the generation of universal cycles from a forever-Present Centre. It represents the generation of currents of energy, and is a symbol of the action of immutable Principle, the "unmoved mover", within manifestation. ** [[Adrian Snodgrass]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/_/nzqK8dDCM0UC?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA82 ''The Symbolism of the Stupa''] (1992), pp. 82-3. == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline|Swastikas}} [[Category:Themes]] [[Category:Hinduism]] [[Category:Jainism]] [[Category:Buddhism]] [[Category:Nazism]] iripm5e5fo02suo6tgpigoe51tesjxd 0 214000 3944434 3934003 2026-05-23T11:32:14Z GrimRob 1187925 typo 3944434 wikitext text/x-wiki == Live-action films == * '''No, because I have everything I could ever want...right here.''' ** Who: Abby Jensen ** Source: ''[[16 Wishes]]'' (2010) * '''Christian.''' ** Who: Ana Steele ** Source: ''[[Fifty Shades of Grey (film)|50 Shades of Grey]]'' (2015) * '''And lived happily ever after. At least for now. Hey, I'm only a freshman!''' **Who: Samantha "Sam" Montgomery **Source: ''[[A Cinderella Story]]'' (2004) * '''Will do.''' ** Who: Capt. Jack Ross ** Source: ''[[A Few Good Men]]'' (1992) * '''Dad, I want to work with Mom.''' * '''Me too.''' ** Who: Kitai and Cypher Raige ** Source: ''[[After Earth]]'' (2013) * '''Let's take a picture of the whole team. The original peaches! Hey, come on, come on. Okay.''' ** Who: Doris * (in-credits:) '''Yesterday or tomorrow, that might be a ball but today, it was a strike!''' ** Who: Umpire ** Source: ''[[A League of Their Own]]'' (1992) * '''Only because you got caught.''' ** Who: Jasmine ** Source: ''[[Aladdin (2019 film)|''Aladdin'' remake]]'' (2019) * '''The mystic chords of memory, who swell and again touched as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.''' ** Who: Danny Vinyard ** Source: ''[[American History X]]'' (1998) * '''There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp, and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis; my punishment continues to elude me, and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself. No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.''' ** Who: Patrick Bateman ** Source: ''[[American Psycho (film)|American Psycho]]'' (2000) * '''Hail to the King, Baby!''' ** Who: Ash Williams ** Source: ''[[Army of Darkness]]'' (1992) * '''Our mission was called "a successful failure," in that we returned safely but never made it to the moon. In the following months, it was determined that a damaged coil built inside the oxygen tank sparked during our cryo stir and caused the explosion that crippled the Odyssey. It was a minor defect that occurred two years before I was even named the flight's commander. Fred Haise was going back to the moon on Apollo 18, but his mission was cancelled because of budget cuts; he never flew in space again. Nor did Jack Swigert, who left the astronaut corps and was elected to ''Congress'' from the state of Colorado. But he died of cancer before he was able to take office. Ken Mattingly orbited the moon as Command Module Pilot of Apollo 16, ''and'' flew the Space Shuttle, having never gotten the measles. Gene Kranz retired as Director of Flight Operations just not long ago. And many other members of Mission Control have gone on to other things, but some are still there. As for me, the seven extraordinary days of Apollo 13 were my last in space. I watched other men walk on the moon, and return safely, all from the confines of Mission Control and our house in Houston. I sometimes catch myself looking up at the moon, remembering the changes of fortune in our long voyage, thinking of the thousands of people who worked to bring the three of us home. I look up at the moon, and wonder, when will we be going back, and who will that be?''' ** Who: Jim Lovell ** Source: ''[[Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' (1995) * '''Hey Baby, you know it's funny. Even though I heard it so many times in the court case, I still can't get used to the fact that your real name is Miles. It's a cool name though. I can think of a lot of great Miles songs. But we still have to get through all those Baby songs first. I can't wait until the day when it's just us, music and the road. See you later Baby. All my love, Debora.''' ** Who: Debora ** Source: ''[[Baby Driver]]'' (2017) * '''Okay, That's a wrap! You're out of here, Sly!''' * '''If they think I'm doing the sequel for less than 20 mil, they're nuts!''' ** Who: Man and Sylvester *** Source: ''[[Baby Geniuses]]'' (1999) * '''I'm here to see my gynecologist.''' ** Who: Barbie aka Barbara Handley *** Source: ''Barbie'' (2023) * '''Did you do that? Very good work. Let me ask you, how do you get them down so small? Hey look, there goes Elvis, yo king! Well, guess I am next. I have an appointment with GQ in half an hour. They have been trying to get me for weeks. Some underwear thing or something. Hey, what is going on here? Hey, stop it, WHOA! Hey, This might be a good look for me.''' ** Who: Betelgeuse / "Beetlejuice" ** Source: ''[[Beetlejuice]]'' (1988) * '''Yo, Little Mash, show me the "Nutcracker".''' ** Who: The Masher ** Source: ''[[Big Fat Liar]]'' (2002) * '''You know, I wouldn't bother...''' ** Who: Alan Wolf * (in-credits:) And that, my darlings, is a wrap. ** Who: Kevin Shepherd ** Source: ''[[Bigger Fatter Liar]]'' (2017) * '''You think he's horny? Come here.''' ** Who: Veronica Vaughn ** Source: ''[[Billy Madison]]'' (1995) * '''Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No! No! '''''[screaming]'' '''Help!''' ** Who: Mike Donnelly ** Source: ''[[Black Sheep (1996 film)|Black Sheep]]'' (1996) * '''Are they dead?''' * '''No, sir, they're asleep.''' ** Who: Arthur Lestrange and officer ** Source: ''[[The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)]]'' * '''Give me peace.''' ** Who: Dracula ** Source: ''[[Bram Stoker's Dracula]]'' (1992) * '''Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are and you see us as you want to see us: In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...''' * '''...and an athlete...''' * '''...and a basket case...''' * '''...a princess...''' * '''...and a criminal.''' * '''Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.''' ** Who: Brian Johnson, Andrew Clark, Alison Reynolds, Claire Standish, and John Bender ** Source: ''[[The Breakfast Club]]'' (1985) * '''Yeah, sure you are.''' ** Who: Paramedic ** Source: ''[[The Cable Guy]]'' (1996) * '''Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.''' ** Who: Rick Blaine ** Source: ''[[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]'' (1942) * '''The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with four million in a suitcase, and some twenty-five-year-old hotel school kid is gonna want his Social Security Number. After the Teamsters got knocked out of the box, the corporations tore down practically every one of the old casinos. And where did the money come from to rebuild the pyramids? Junk bonds. But in the end, I wound up right back where I started. I could still pick winners, and I could still make money for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing? And that's that.''' ** Who: Samuel "Sam / Ace" Rothstein ** Source: ''[[Casino (film)|Casino]]'' (1995) * '''Not bad for my first party.''' * '''Couldn't have been better.''' * '''It ain't over yet. Boys!''' ** Who: Kathleen "Kat" Harvey, Casper, and Dr. James Harvey ** Source: ''[[Casper (film)|Casper]]'' (1995) * '''Thank you.''' ** Who: Chuck Noland ** Source: ''[[Cast Away]]'' (2000) * '''Don't ever call me again.''' ** Who: Ryan ** Source: ''[[Cellular]]'' (2004) * '''In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka had something even better, a family. And one thing was absolutely certain - life had never been sweeter.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)|Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]]'' (2005) * '''Silly old bear.''' ** Who: Christopher Robin * (in-credits:) '''Thanks for noticing me.''' ** Who: Eeyore ** Source: ''[[Christopher Robin (film)|Christopher Robin]]'' (2018) * '''Yeah-heh-heh! We did it, everybody! Oh-ho-ho... YEAH!!!''' ** Who: Chuck E. Cheese ** Source: ''[[Chuck E. Cheese in the Galaxy 5000]]'' (1999) * '''And so Kit and Ella were married. And I can tell you, as her fairy godmother, that they were counted to be the fairest and kindest rulers the kingdom had known. And Ella continued to see the world not as it is, but as it could be, if only you believe in courage, and kindness, and occasionally, just a little bit...of magic.''' ** Who: Fairy Godmother ** Source: ''[[Cinderella (2015 film)|''Cinderella'' remake]]'' (2015) * '''For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble.''' **Who: Butch Cassidy **Source: ''Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid'' (1969) * '''Throw that junk in!''' ** Who: Raymond ** Source: ''[[Citizen Kane]]'' (1941) ** Notes: The credits show each actor saying their lines each from Joseph Cotten to George Coulouris, followed by the rest of the cast saving Orson Welles as the last one billed. * '''Let's go home. Ah!''' ** Who: Mitch Robbins ** Source: ''[[City Slickers]]'' (1991) * '''It's got friends.''' ** Who: Duke Washburn ** Source: ''[[City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold]]'' (1994) * '''And, in an ordinary barn, an ordinary pig, a runt no less, stood surrounded by friends, welcoming his second spring. And that spring was followed by many, many more. All because someone stopped to see the grace and beauty and nobility of the humblest creature. That is the miracle of friendship. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Charlotte's Web (2006 film)|Charlotte's Web]]'' (2006) * '''I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.''' ** Who: Kate Baker ** Source: ''[[Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)|Cheaper by the Dozen]]'' (2003) * '''Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.''' ** Who: Walsh ** Source: ''[[Chinatown]]'' (1974) * '''I got it!''' ** Who: Cher Horowitz ** Source: ''[[Clueless (film)|Clueless]]'' (1995) * '''Aw, memories.''' * '''We will enjoy them.''' * '''Awww.''' ** Who: Beldar and Prymatt Conehead ** Source: ''[[Coneheads (film)|Coneheads]]'' (1993) * '''I'll tell you one thing about the universe, though. The universe is a pretty big place. It's bigger than anything anyone has ever dreamed of before. So if it's just us...seems like an awful waste of space. Right?''' ** Who: Dr. Ellie Arroway ** Source: ''[[Contact (1997 US film)|Contact]]'' (1997) * '''What is going on?! Don't you people have any respect?!''' ** Who: [[w:Kathryn Merteuil|Kathryn Merteuil]] ** Source: ''[[Cruel Intentions]]'' (1999) * '''Are you ready to go?''' * '''Let's Go!''' ** Who: Helicopter Pilot and Dr. Harry Dalton ** Source: ''[[Dante's Peak]]'' (1997) * '''I'm everyone - and no one. Everywhere - nowhere. Call me...Darkman.''' ** Who: Darkman / Peyton Westlake ** Source: ''Darkman'' (1990) * '''Sammy!''' ** Who: Jesse Barrett ** Source: ''[[Dark Skies]]'' (2013) * '''Joe... It's over, honey. Come on, come home.''' ** Who: Maggie Pistone ** Source: ''[[Donnie Brasco (film)|Donnie Brasco]]'' (1997) * '''Yeah! There's nothing like the holidays. Who wants the gizzard?!''' * '''I do!''' * '''Too late! That'll be mine!''' ** Who: Grinch, and the who civilian ** Source: ''[[w:How the Grinch stole Christmas (film)|Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch stole Christmas]]'' (2000) * '''All right! Yeah!''' ** Who: Random Student in Hallway ** Source: ''Lucas'' (1986) * '''All right, Miss Buttercup! It's time to wrap this mutha up!''' ** Who: Motormouth Maybelle ** Source: ''Hairspray'' (2007) * '''Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How 'bout Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.''' ** Who: The Cat in the Hat ** Source: ''[[The Cat in the Hat (film)|Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat]]'' (2003) * '''Yeah, Dad.''' ** Who: Ben Hinton ** Source: ''[[Daddy Day Care]]'' (2003) * '''We watched as the bombs shattered the second comet into a million pieces of ice and rock that burned harmlessly in our atmosphere and lit up the sky for an hour. Still, we were left with the devastation of the first. The waters reached as far inland as the Ohio and Tennessee Valleys. It washed away farms and towns, forests and skyscrapers. But, the water receded. The wave hit Europe and Africa too. Millions were lost, and countless more left homeless. But the waters receded. Cities fall, but they are rebuilt. And heroes die, but they are remembered. We honor them with every brick we lay, with every field we sow, With every child we comfort, and then teach to rejoice in what we have been re-given. Our planet. Our home. So now, let us begin.''' ** Who: President Tom Beck ** Source: ''[[Deep Impact]]'' (1998) * '''Welcome to the Endangered Species list, you bastard.''' ** Who: Carol Brubaker ** Source: ''[[Dinoshark]]'' (2010) * '''You looked wonderful out there.''' ** Who: Jake Houseman ** Source: ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'' (1987) * '''Where is the babysitter?''' ** Who: Mrs. Crandell * (mid-credits:) '''Yeah, that's true. Hey about Vegas this weekend? You got any money left?''' ** Who: Mortuary Worker 2 ** Source: ''[[Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead]]'' (1991) * '''And that, my friends, is the story of how aliens attacked our sleepy little town. And to this day, people refuse to believe the truth about what happened. They would lead you to believe that I would embellish this story, that I would make it up, but we know the truth. Oh yeah, uh, two, two things I forgot to tell you. One, they never did get that probe near me. And two, as far as Chris McCormick reopening the gold mines and putting everyone back to work... Well that, my friends, is another story altogether.''' ''[smiles, revealing his gold tooth]'' ** Who: Harlan ** Source ''[[Eight Legged Freaks]]'' (2002) * '''Oh, no, not again.''' ** Who: The [[Eighth Doctor]] ** Source: ''[[Eighth Doctor|Doctor Who]]'' (1996) * '''Now it's back to the real world all of you I must send. For I've only two words left and they are: The End.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Ella Enchanted]]'' (2006) * '''I absolutely love Christmas.''' ** Who: Eloise ** Source: ''[[Eloise at Christmastime]]'' (2003) * '''I'll be right here.''' * '''Bye.''' ** Who: E.T. and Elliot ** Source: ''[[E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]]'' (1982) * '''Hell, it's Saturday morning. Don't tell me you kids don't enjoy a good cartoon!''' ** Who: Mr. Hinchlow ** Source: ''[[Evil Toons]]'' (1992) * '''Can we?''' * '''Okay.''' ''[Sean and Eve hug and kiss]'' ** Who: Sean and Eve Archer ** Source: ''[[Face/Off]]'' (1997) * '''You can't let fear keep you from caring about someone, because caring about someone is wonderful. A person you can think about, and they think about you, and you both know you're thinking about each other. And it's...It's fantastic to know that there's somebody out there in the world thinking about you.''' ** Who: Fat Albert * (in-credits:) '''Let go of my legs! I gotta help these people. Why, look at that guy. Ooh, look at his - Yeah, you can't tell me he doesn't need my help. Check out that lady over there. Do I detect tears? Eh, you in the back! Where are you goin'? It's not over! You gotta watch the end credits.''' ** Who: Fat Albert ** Source: ''[[Fat Albert (film)|Fat Albert]]'' (2004) * '''Yep. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.''' ** Who: Ferris Bueller * (post-credits:) '''You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.''' ** Who: Ferris Bueller ** Source: ''[[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]]'' (1986) * '''You met me at a very strange time in my life.''' ** Who: The Narrator ** Source: ''[[Fight Club]]'' (1999) * ''' Oh my god, that was close.''' * '''You okay?''' * '''Yeah.''' ** Who: Stefani Reyes and Charlie Reyes ** Source: ''[[Final Destination Bloodlines]]'' (2025) * '''WILMAAAA!!!!''' ** Who: Fred Flintstone ** Source: ''[[The Flintstones (film)|The Flintstones]]'' (1994) * '''Ladies and gentleman, I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. Flintstone.''' ** Who: Priest ** ''[[The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas]]'' (2000) * '''When we get to the hotel, I don't care what you say. I'm not sharing a room with him. Look at him, he's gross, he bounces all the time, he squeaks, he phase-shifts, I mean he's a Quasi-plasmoid. If it's hot in Hawaii, I hope he melts.''' ** Who: Webette ** Source: ''[[Flubber (film)|Flubber]]'' (1997) * '''Of course; you're Dorothy Harris, and I'm Forrest Gump.''' ** Who: Forrest Gump Jr. ** Source: ''[[Forrest Gump]]'' (1994) * '''No, no, no, really. It's easy for me. I'll just make a phone call. Make it easy for you.''' ** Who: Carmine Sabatini ** Source: ''The Freshman'' (1990) * '''My thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the Great Homecoming Fuck Fantasy. I am so happy that I am alive in one piece and short. I'm in a world of shit...yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid.''' **Who: Private Joker **Source: ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]'' (1987) * '''George just lucky, I guess.''' ** Who: George * (in-credits:) '''Wait a moment! Wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know what happened to me?''' ** Who: Ape * (post-credits:) '''Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the king of the jungle.''' ** Who: Ape ** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle (film)|George of the Jungle]]'' (1997) * '''George, Watch out for that...''' ** Who: Ursula * (mid-credits:) '''Oh, dear. Sorry!''' ** Who: Narrator * (post-credits:) '''Well, It's very nice to meet you.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[George of the Jungle 2]]'' (2003) * '''Well, I guess there's only way thing left to say: Huh. Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?''' ** Who: Ed ** Source: ''[[Good Burger]]'' (1997) * '''And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action...have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody...get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.''' ** Who: Henry Hill ** Source: ''[[Goodfellas]]'' (1990) * '''Bye, Willy. Thanks.''' ** Who: Mikey ** Source: ''[[The Goonies]]'' (1985) * '''A womp bam boom!''' ** Who: Everyone ** Source: ''[[Grease (film)|Grease]]'' (1978) * '''The certainest. Yeah, I like that. I'd love to kiss you again.''' ** Who: Michael Carrington ** Source: ''[[Grease 2]]'' (1982) * '''It's beautiful! Let's live it here.''' ''[they kiss]'' '''We'll rent to start.''' ** Who: Phil Connors ** Source: ''[[Groundhog Day (film)|Groundhog Day]]'' (1993) * '''Of course you can...My fair princess.''' ** Who: Lemuel Gulliver ** Source: ''[[Gulliver's Travels (2010 film)|Gulliver's Travels]]'' (2010) * '''Go on. Get out of here. I mean it, Herbie.''' ** Who: Ray Peyton, Sr. ** Source: ''[[Herbie: Fully Loaded]]'' (2005) * '''I'm sorry, Emily, I had to wait 300 years for a virgin to light the candle.''' ** Who: Thackery Binx * (in-credits:) '''Yeah. Wow.''' ** Who: Jenny Dennison ** Source: ''[[Hocus Pocus]]'' (1993) * '''You do this.''' ** Who: Becca ** Source: ''[[Hocus Pocus 2]]'' (2022) * '''I guess you have to fill the rest of the holes yourself.''' ** Who: Stanley Yelnats IV ** Source: ''[[Holes (film)|Holes]]'' (2003) * '''Not anymore.''' ** Who: Dr. Linda McKay ** Source: ''[[Hollow Man]]'' (2000) * '''Oh, no. To live...to live would be an awfully big adventure.''' ** Who: Peter Banning ** Source: ''[[Hook (film)|Hook]]'' (1991) * '''Mom and dad realized they liked Florida just as much as I did, and they decided to stay here and make this our home...for good. After all the bad publicity, the pancake company couldn't back off the promises made that day by Mother Paula. They ended up donating the land as a wildlife preserve. The owls are still there, and you could see them if they're real quiet. Beatrice and I became best of friends and I never missed a soccer game, attendance was mandatory. Then there's Dana Matherson, who finally met someone who was bigger and meaner than he was. Officer Delinko was promoted to his dream job as a detective and got his first unmarked patrol car. Two days later, he accidentally backed it off a fishing pier. While serving his ninety days of community service Chuck Muckle was hit in the head by a falling coconut. The judge gave him another thirty days for lying down on the job. Curly Brannit quit his job at Mother Paula's, today, he brags that his life has gone to the dogs. Last, but not least, is Mullet Fingers. Well, whenever he wants to get together, he has his own secret way of letting me know. And Florida had its own way of keeping us real busy.''' ** Who: Roy Eberhardt **Source: ''[[Hoot (film)|Hoot]]'' (2006) * '''Bad kitty! Use the litter box!''' ** Who: Jonathan Barnavelt ** Source: ''[[The House with a Clock in Its Walls]]'' (2018) * '''In our new home.''' ** Who: Old Murph ** Source: ''[[Interstellar]]'' (2014) * '''See you, mom. Yeah, let's go. See you out of here. We made it.''' ** Who: Jack Powell ** Source: ''[[Jack (1996 film)|Jack]]'' (1996) * '''I will always hear you.''' ** Who: Jack Frost ** Source: ''Jack Frost'' (1998) * '''This is high school, Detective Cruz. What is a friend, anyway?''' ** Who: Fern Mayo / Vylette ** Source: ''[[Jawbreaker]]'' (1999) * '''That's my dad! That's my dad!''' ** Who: Jamie Langston * (post-credits:) '''What did you get ''me''?''' ** Who: Liz Langston ** Source: ''[[Jingle All the Way]]'' (1996) * '''That's all, blokes!''' ** Who: Kangaroo Jack ** Source: ''[[Kangaroo Jack]]'' (2003) * '''Thanks a lot!''' ''[whoops]'' '''Hey! Hey, Mr. Miyagi! We did it, we did it! All right!''' ''[whoops victoriously]'' ** Who: Daniel LaRusso ** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid]]'' (1984) * '''Wrong.''' ** Who: Daniel LaRusso ** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part II]]'' (1986) * '''We did it! We did it!''' ** Who: Daniel LaRusso ** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid Part III]]'' (1989) * (in Chinese) '''Finish him!''' ** Who: Master Li ** Source: ''[[The Karate Kid (2010 film)|The Karate Kid]]'' (2010) * '''Oh no, It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.''' ** Who: Carl Denham ** Source: ''[[King Kong (1933 film)|King Kong]]'' (1933) * '''It wasn't the planes. It was beauty killed the beast.''' ** Who: Carl Denham ** Source: ''[[King Kong (2005 film)|King Kong]]'' (2005) * '''You look terrific.''' ** Who: Ted Kramer ** Source: ''[[Kramer vs. Kramer]]'' (1979) * '''I do, father.''' ** Who: Azula ** Source: ''[[The Last Airbender]]'' (2010) * '''RICHIE...!!!''' ** Who: Bob Valenzuela ** Source: ''[[La Bamba (film)|La Bamba]]'' (1987) * '''Passing the torch is a right of passage that can take many forms. But perhaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass. Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down and important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.''' ** Who: Lemony Snicket ** Source: ''[[Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events]]'' (2004) * '''Nothing can stop the Claw!''' ** Who: Fletcher Reede * (in-credits:) '''Oh no. They're on to me!''' ** Who: Fletcher Reede ** Source: ''[[Liar Liar]]'' (1997) * '''Hey! How's it going?''' ** Who: Nadine ** Source: ''The Edge of Seventeen'' (2016) * '''Science!''' ** Who: Lisa Loud ** Source: ''[[A Loud House Christmas]]'' (2021) * '''Goodbye, Mary Poppins. Don't stay away too long.''' ** Who: Bert ** Source: ''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]'' (1964) * '''Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long, precisely having...''' ** Who: Matilda Wormwood ** Source: ''[[Matilda (film)|Matilda]]'' (1996) * '''Play "The Garden of Love".''' ** Who: Heidi the Hippo ** Source: ''[[Meet the Feebles]]'' (1989) * '''Now, where was I?''' ** Who: Leonard Shelby ** Source: ''[[Memento]]'' (2000) * '''Dear, Charlie. I've always been more comfortable writing song lyrics than actual sentences. There's no way I can articulate what you've meant to me. Since that moment we first saw each other, or the joy you've brought me since I first saw you outside my window. Even though our time together was short, the stars have been burning for every moment of it. And the light from those moments will be shining down for the next thousand years. I hope that somehow I'll be able to look down and see you, Charlie, and all of the incredible moments just waiting for you out there. And if you need me, all you have to do is look up. And remember...I love you.''' ** Who: Katie Price ** Source: ''Midnight Sun'' (2018) * '''Here you go. Knock yourself out. Oh. No good, huh? Otis, more curry. OK. Try this one. Huh? It's mozzarella and herring. You can taste the herring, right? I've got an idea for a caviar-brie swirl and peanut butter and jelly for kids. But I really want to talk about marketing. You should be our spokesperson. I know some people who've used a mouse as a spokesperson. You see, I want to turn this into the string cheese factory of tomorrow...''' ** Who: Ernie Smuntz ** Source: ''[[MouseHunt (film)|MouseHunt]]'' (1997) * '''Damn, these things are fast! I'm okay! I'm okay!''' ** Who: Crazy Eyes ** Source: ''[[Mr. Deeds]]'' (2002) * '''"Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months...even years at a time. But if there's love, dear...those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right...bye-bye.''' ** Who: Mrs. Doubtfire ** Source: ''[[Mrs. Doubtfire]]'' (1993) * '''Old Skip was 11, and feeble with arthritis, but he never lost that old devilish look in his eye. He made my room his own. Came across an old photo of him not long ago. His little face, with the long snout sniffing at something in the air. His tail was straight out, pointing. Eyes were flashing in some momentary excitement. He always loved to be rubbed on the back of his neck. And when I did it, he'd yawn and he'd stretch, reach out to me with his paws, as if he was trying to embrace me. I received a transatlantic call one day. "Skip died," Daddy said. He and my mama wrapped him in my baseball jacket. "They buried him out under our elm tree," they said. That wasn't totally true. For he really lay buried in my heart.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[My Dog Skip (film)|My Dog Skip]]'' (2000) * '''I did it.''' ** Who: Clark Griswold ** Source: ''[[National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]'' (1989) * '''And I get to tend the rabbits...''' ** Who: Lennie Small ** Source: ''[[Of Mice and Men]]'' (1992) * '''Roger, darling. I've got the most wonderful news.''' ** Who: Anita Dearly ** Source: ''[[101 Dalmatians (1996 film)|101 Dalmatians remake]]'' (1996) * '''S-P-O-T-S!''' ** Who: Waddlesworth ** Source: ''[[102 Dalmatians]]'' (2000) * '''It's gonna be my pleasure serving with you.''' ** Who: Shane Wolfe ** Source: ''[[The Pacifier]]'' (2005) * '''It's the only kind he knows.''' ** Who: Misha ** Source: ''[[Paulie]]'' (1998) * '''Come on, Dottie. Let's go.''' * '''Let's go? Don't you want to see the rest of the movie?''' * '''I don't have to see it, Dottie. I ''lived'' it.''' ** Who: Pee-Wee Herman and Dottie ** Source: ''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' (1985) * '''And remember, you're supposed to be invisible!''' ** Who: Pete ** Source: ''[[Pete's Dragon (1977 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977) * '''The body of Mrs. Arthur Appleyard, Principal of Appleyard College, was found at the base of Hanging Rock on Friday 27 March 1900. Although the exact circumstances of her death are not known, it is believed she fell while attempting to climb the rock. The search for the missing school girls and their governess continued spasmodically for the next few years without success. To this day their disappearance remains a mystery.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Picnic at Hanging Rock (film)|Picnic at Hanging Rock]]'' (1975) * '''So, in the end, Pinocchio did prove himself brave, honest and unselfish. And since then, many stories have been told about him. People say he was transformed into an honest-to-goodness real boy. Did that actually happen? Who knows? But I do know one thing for sure. In his heart, Pinocchio is as real as any real boy could ever be.''' ** Who: Jiminy Cricket ** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (2022 live-action film)|Pinocchio remake]]'' (2022) * '''Hey, kids. Daddy's home.''' ** Who: Ludlow Lamonsoff ** Source: ''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015) * '''Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.''' * '''Hello, Mr. Griffith.''' * '''Hello, Mrs. Page.''' ** Who: Neal and Susan Page and Del Griffith * (post-credits): '''Is this who? The winner? Oh, there's three.''' ** Who: Mr. Bryant **Source: ''[[Planes, Trains & Automobiles]]'' (1987) * '''You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.''' ** Who: John Cutter ** Source: ''[[The Prestige]]'' (2006) * '''As you wish.''' ** Who: The Grandfather ** Source: ''[[The Princess Bride (film)|The Princess Bride]]'' (1987) * '''I hear him. I hear him. I hear you! Josh...?!''' ** Who: Michael Williams ** Source: ''[[The Blair Witch Project]]'' (1999) * '''I'll see you later.''' * '''Hey, how will you know where I am?''' * '''I'll know.''' ** Who: Lamont Cranston and Margo Lane ** Source: ''[[The Shadow (1994 film)|The Shadow]]'' * '''Walking towards that stage, I felt like I was floating. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't really understand why I was getting a medal. It's not like blew up the Death Star. All I did was get through fifth grade, just like everyone else here.''' * '''Congrats. Here, here you go...that's for you.''' * '''Then again, maybe that's kind of the point. Maybe the truth is, I’m really not so ordinary. Maybe if we knew what other people were thinking we'd know that no one’s ordinary, and we all deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives. My friends do. My teachers do. My sister does for always being there for me. My dad does for always making us laugh. And my mom does the most, for never giving up, on anything. Especially, me. It's like that last precept Mr. Browne gave us. Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. And if you really want to see what people are, all you have to do is look.''' ** Who: August Pullman and Mr. Tushman ** Source: ''Wonder'' (2017) * '''Thank you, Commandant Lassard, Chief Hurst, Madam Mayor, Mr. President, His Holiness The Pope, The King of Norway, and our other honored guests."''' ** Who: Carey Mahoney ** Source: ''[[Police Academy]]'' (1984) * '''It's sad, when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son. But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them I killed those girls and that man...as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, like one of his stuffed birds. They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching...they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..."''' ** Who: Norma Bates ** Source: ''[[Psycho]]'' (1960) * '''He has friends.''' ** Who: Regina Rich ** Source: ''[[Richie Rich (film)|Richie Rich]]'' (1994) * '''FREEZE! Drop the fucking gun, buddy. Put the gun down! Don't do it! Drop the gun man! Don't do it! Drop the fucking gun. We're gonna fucking blow you away!''' ** Who: Police officers ** Source: ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' (1992) * '''All right. Friends, man.''' ** Who: Tony Manero ** Source: ''[[Saturday Night Fever]]'' (1977) * '''What was that?''' ** Who: Malcolm Reynolds ** Source: ''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' (2005) * '''Do you want to have sex again?''' * '''Yeah.''' ** Who: Sara Moore and Joe Tyler ** Source: ''Serving Sara'' (2002) * '''Hell of a day.''' ** Who: Fin Shepard ** Source: ''[[Sharknado]]'' (2013) * '''I love New York.''' ** Who: Fin Shepard ** Source: ''[[Sharknado 2: The Second One]]'' (2014) *'''Lens cap.''' ** Who: Joseph "Sky Captain" Sullivan ** Source: ''[[Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow]]'' (2004) * '''So in the end, my girlfriend became my arch enemy, my arch enemy became my best friend, and my best friend became my girlfriend. But, hey, that's high school.''' ** Who: Will Stronghold ** Source: ''[[Sky High (2005 film)|Sky High]]'' (2005) * '''I hope we don't hit an iceberg.''' ** Who: Slamfist ** Source: ''[[Small Soldiers]]'' (1998) * '''Oh no, you don't. No second best animal friends allowed in my room. Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me. Stop it. I'm warning you, I've got nunchucks. Hey, stop. Okay, you can stay.''' ** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog * (pre-credits:) '''My grasp on sanity remains absolute. Isn't that right, Agent Stone? Why don't you get a head start. Do some Rockconnaissance. Rockconnaissance. Come on, that's hilarious. What's the matter with you?! Here's the sitch. Uninhabited planet. No resources. No supplies. No apparent way home. A lesser man would die here. I'll be home by Christmas. Rockconnaissance!''' ''[cackles maniacally]'' '''Come on, cheer up!''' ** Who: Dr. Robotnik / Dr. Eggman * (mid-credits:) '''If these readings are accurate, he's here. I found him! I just hope I'm not too late.''' ** Who: Miles "Tails" Prower ** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' (2020) ** Notes: Serves as a prelude to ''Sonic the Hedgehog 2''. * '''Can't forget this.''' ** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog * (mid-credits:) '''My god...Project Shadow.''' ** Who: G.U.N. Commander Walters ** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 2]]'' (2022) ** Notes: Serves as a prelude to ''Sonic the Hedgehog 3''. * '''All right, boys, try and keep up.''' ** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog * (mid-credits:) '''What? Who are you?''' ** Who: Sonic the Hedgehog ** Source: ''[[Sonic the Hedgehog 3]]'' (2024) ** Notes: Serves as a prelude to ''Sonic the Hedgehog 4''. * '''Tomorrow? Uh... tomorrow I promised I would spend with my sister, but uh... what are your plans for every day after that?''' ** Who: Hal Brandston ** Source: ''Snow Day'' (2022) * '''What is this sin, my children?''' ** Who: Mother Abbess ** Source: ''[[The Sound of Music]]'' (1965) * '''All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.''' ** Who: Norma Desmond ** Source: ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' (1950) * '''I believe.''' ** Who: Mario * (post-credits:) '''The Super Koopa Cousins!''' ** Who: Spike and Iggy Koopa ** Source: ''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' (1993) * '''You were marvelous...and I never want to see any of you again. I might as well...they're the last roses I'll ever see. Vous!''' ** Who: Carroll "Toddy" Todd ** Source: ''[[Victor / Victoria]]'' (1982) * '''Well,''' ''[sniffles]'' '''good-bye, Virgin Alarm.''' ** Who: Dot Matrix ** Source: ''[[Spaceballs]]'' (1987) * '''Vanity, definitely my favorite sin.''' ** Who: John Milton ** Source: ''[[The Devil's Advocate (1997 film)|The Devil's Advocate]]'' (1997) * '''DANNY!!!''' ** Who: Jack Torrance ** Source: ''[[The Shining (film)|The Shining]]'' (1980) * '''I'm listening...''' ** Who: Dr. Colosso ** Source: ''[[The Thundermans Return]]'' (2024) ** Note: Serves as the backdoor pilot to ''The Thundermans Undercover''. * '''One cannot choose, but wonder. You see, he's all the time in the world.''' ** Who: David Filby ** Source: ''[[The Time Machine (1960 film)|The Time Machine]]'' (1960) * '''Godspeed, my fine lad. Godspeed.''' ** Who: Mrs. Watchit ** Source: ''[[The Time Machine (2002 film)|The Time Machine]]'' (2002) * '''I'll tell you later.''' ** Who: Jimmy Tong * (in-credits): Hitman! You're fast, but I'm faster. ** Who: [[Wikipedia:James Brown|James Brown]] ** Source: ''[[The Tuxedo]]'' (2002) * '''Hey! Thanks, Dad! Ohh! Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark.''' ** Who: Thomas "Tommy" Callahan III ** Source: ''[[Tommy Boy]]'' (1995) * '''Hey Jo and Bill, check out that sky!''' * '''You know what? I think we've seen enough.''' ''[turns and kisses Bill]'' ** Who: Allan Sanders and Jo Harding ** Source: ''[[Twister]]'' (1996) * '''And so, we've come to the happy end of our story. But it's time for all of us to go home...just like Thomas.''' ** Who: Mr. Conductor ** Source: ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000) * '''That's funny, Chanice. See what I put up with? And don't drive fast. I'm not fixing any more tickets for you.''' ** Who: Buck Russell *(post-credits:) '''Wake up!''' ''[air horn honking]'' '''Ha ha ha ha!''' ** Who: Buck Russell ** Source: ''[[Uncle Buck]]'' (1989) * '''They say they built the train tracks over the Alps before there was a train that could make the trip. They built it anyway. They knew one day the train would come. Any arbitrary turning along the way, and I would be elsewhere. I would be different. What are four walls, anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise.''' ** Who: Frances Mayes ** Source: ''[[Under the Tuscan Sun (film)|Under the Tuscan Sun]]'' (2003) * '''After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that...he's gone.''' ** Who: Roger "Verbal" Kint, AKA Keyser Söze ** Source: ''[[The Usual Suspects]]'' (1995) * '''Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so.''' ** Who: K.W. ** Source: ''[[Where the Wild Things Are|Where The Wild Things Are]]'' (2009) * '''Okay, m-m-m-m-m-move along. Th-Th-there's nothing else to see. Th-That's all, folks! Hmm. I like the sound of that. Th-Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks!''' ** Who: [[w:Porky Pig|Porky Pig]] ** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988) * '''Actually I do, Artie.''' ** Who: James West ** Source: ''[[Wild Wild West]]'' (1999) * '''Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.''' * '''What happened?''' * '''He lived happily ever after.''' ** Who: Willy Wonka and Charlie Bucket ** Source: ''[[Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory]]'' (1971) * '''Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - Oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home.''' ** Who: Dorothy Gale ** Source: ''[[The Wizard of Oz (1939 film)|The Wizard of Oz]]'' (1939) * '''So I had planned to marry Peter, but...I married Jack instead. Thank goodness my father was right. Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan. But Jack...Jack gave me the perfect gift: a stamp in my passport. He took me to Florence for our honeymoon. I guess you might say he gave me the world. Peter once asked me when it was that I fell in love with Jack. And I told him, "It was while you were sleeping."''' ** Who: Lucy Eleanor Moderatz ** Source: ''[[While You Were Sleeping (film)|While You Were Sleeping]]'' (1995) * '''Okay. You can go.''' ** Who: VJ Emmie ** Source: ''[[w:Who Killed Captain Alex?|Who Killed Captain Alex?]]'' (2010, 2015 re-release) * '''You still got your Izod?''' ** Who: Griffin Keyes ** Source: ''[[Zookeeper (film)|Zookeeper]]'' (2011) === ''Alien'' film series === * '''Final report of the commercial starship Nostromo, third officer reporting. The other members of the crew - Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas - are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.''' ''[to Jonesy]'' '''Come on, cat.''' ** Who: Ellen Ripley ** Source: ''[[Alien (film)|Alien]]'' (1979) * '''I-ffirmative.''' ** Who: Rebecca "Newt" Jorden ** Source: ''[[Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'' (1986) * '''Ash, Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.''' ** Who: Ellen Ripley ** Source: ''[[Alien 3|Alien 3]]'' (1992) * '''I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself.''' ** Who: Ellen Ripley ** Source: ''[[Alien: Resurrection]]'' (1997) * '''Final report of the vessel Prometheus. The ship and her entire crew are gone. If you're receiving this transmission, make no attempt to come to its point of origin. There is only death here now, and I'm leaving it behind. It is New Year's Day, the year of our Lord, 2094. My name is Elisabeth Shaw, last survivor of the Prometheus. And I am still searching.''' ** Who: Elizabeth Shaw ** Source: ''[[Prometheus (2012 film)|Prometheus]]'' (2012) * '''This is colony ship Covenant, reporting. All crew members apart from Daniels and Tennessee tragically perished in a solar flare incident. All colonists in hypersleep remain intact and undisturbed. On course for Origae-6. Hopefully this transmission will reach the network, and be relayed in 1.36 years. This is Walter, signing off. Security code, 31564-F.''' ** Who: Walter One ** Source: ''Alien: Covenant'' (2017) === ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Marc_Webb_films|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' film series === * '''You should leave him alone!''' ** Who: Dr. Curt Connors ** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man (2012 film)|The Amazing Spider-Man]]'' (2012) * '''There's no place like home.''' ** Who: Spider-Man ** Source: ''[[The Amazing Spider-Man 2]]'' (2014) === ''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' film series === * '''Now I'm gonna say it... ALVIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' * '''OKAY!!!''' ** Who: Dave Seville and Alvin * (post-credits:) '''Okay, guys. Come on. Let's try it again. Here we go and sing. Come on. Sing for your Uncle Ian. Come on, sing. Why won't you sing? I said sing. Sing.''' ** Who: Ian Hawke ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]'' (2007) * '''Okay! this one's for Dave. Everybody, shake what your mama gave ya!''' ** Who: Alvin Seville * (mid-credits:) '''Ooh... suddenly, I got really, really tired. Night, Dave!''' * '''ALVIIIIIIIIIINNN!!!!''' ** Who: Alvin and Dave Seville * (mid-credits 2:) '''Good start, gentlemen. Only 10 more rows of bleachers to go. Let's do it.''' ** Who: Dr. Rubin * (post-credits:) '''All right, guys. All right. All right. All right, I'm out. I'm out. Is this necessary? Come on. Is that necessary? Is that...At least let me go back and get my purse.''' ** Who: Ian Hawke ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]'' (2009) * '''Thank you!''' ** Who: Alvin Seville * (mid-credits:) '''AAAALLLLVVVVIIIINNNN!!!!!!''' ** Who: Dave Seville ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]'' (2011) * '''AAAALLLLVIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!!''' ** Who: Dave Seville * (mid-credits:) '''Oh, come on! Come on. What are you gonna do, carry me out? Really? Okay, you are gonna carry me out. Okay! Okay, this is fine! I've been looking to relax all day! I'm like Cleopatra! Floating away! I'm gonna chillax!''' ** Who: Agent James Suggs ** Source: ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]'' (2015) === ''Austin Powers'' film series === * '''I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.''' ** Who: Dr. Evil * (mid-credits:) '''What say, you, we go out on the town and swing, baby? Yeah!''' ** Who: Austin Powers ** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery]]'' (1997) * '''Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space, I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me, it's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. I'm gonna get you Austin Powers, I'm gonna get you.''' ''[laughs evilly]'' ** Who: Dr. Evil * (mid-credits:) '''Paging Dr. Freud.''' ** Who: Past Austin Powers * (post-credits:) '''Hello, out there! Is the movie over? I'm still down here, and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. Oh! The pain is really quite severe. I fashioned a makeshift splint. Here goes nothing!''' ''[screams and falls to the ground]'' ** Who: Mustafa ** Source: ''[[Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me]]'' (1999) * '''I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers!''' ''[laughs evilly and dances like Michael Jackson]'' ** Who: Dr. Scott Evil * (mid-credits:) '''Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Burt Bacharach''' ** Who: Austin Powers (echo) ** Source: ''[[Austin Powers in Goldmember]]'' (2002) === James Cameron's ''Avatar'' franchise === *'''Well, uh, I guess this is my last video log. Because whatever happens tonight. Either way I'm... I'm not gonna be comin' back to this place. Well, I guess I better go. I don't wanna be late for my own party. It's my birthday, after all. This is Jake Sully signin' off.''' **Who: Jake Sully **Source: [[Avatar (2009 film)|''Avatar'']] (2009) *'''I see now. I can't save my family by running. This is our home. This is our fortress. This is where we make our stand.''' **Who: Jake Sully **Source: ''[[Avatar: The Way of Water]]'' (2022) *'''TBD''' **Who: TBD **Source: ''[[Avatar: Fire and Ash]]'' (2025) === ''[[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]'' film series === * '''That'll do, Pig. That'll do.''' ** Who: Farmer Arthur H. "The Boss" Hoggett ** Source: ''[[Babe (film)|Babe]]'' (1995) * '''That'll do, Pig. That'll do.''' ** Who: Farmer Arthur H. "The Boss" Hoggett * (post-credits:) '''Thank you for staying until the end. Bye-bye.''' ** Who: Mouse ** Source: ''[[Babe: Pig in the City]]'' (1998) === ''Barney'' films === * '''Barney.''' ** Who: Baby Fig ** Source: ''[[Barney's Great Adventure]]'' (1998 (Canada, only theatrical movie)) * '''Thank you, Barney, I love you.''' ** Who: Laura ** Source: ''Barney’s Colorful World Live!'' === ''[[Batman]]'' films === * '''Our job is finished.''' ** Who: Batman ** Source: ''[[Batman (1966 film)|Batman: The Movie]]'' (1966) * '''I thought champagne would be in order ma'am.''' * '''Hi, Alfred.''' * '''Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that he might be a bit late.''' * '''I'm not a bit surprised.''' ** Who: Alfred Pennyworth and Vicki Vale ** Source: ''[[Batman (1989 film)|Batman]]'' (1989) * '''Come what may. Merry Christmas, Master Bruce.''' * '''Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men...and women.''' ** Who: Alfred Pennyworth and Bruce Wayne ** Source: ''[[Batman Returns]]'' (1992) * '''Your secret is safe. He's definitely a wacko.''' * '''Wacko. Is that a technical term?''' ''[Chase laughs]'' '''Listen, I won't be needing this anymore. Thank you for giving me a new dream.''' ''[Chase kisses Bruce]'' * '''Don't work too late.''' ** Who: Dr. Chase Meridian and Bruce Wayne ** Source: ''[[Batman Forever]]'' (1995) * '''Partners?''' * '''Partners.''' * '''Partners.''' * '''We're going to need a bigger cave.''' ** Who: Barbara Wilson, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth ** Source: ''[[Batman and Robin (1997 film)|Batman & Robin]]'' (1997) * '''And you'll never have to.''' ** Who: Batman ** Source: ''[[Batman Begins]]'' (2005) * '''Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.''' ** Who: Commissioner James Gordon ** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight]]'' (2008) * '''Si, Fernet Branca, per cortesia.''' ** Who: Alfred Pennyworth ** Source: ''[[The Dark Knight Rises]]'' (2012) === ''[[Back to the Future]]'' trilogy === * '''Hey Doc, we'd better back up. There's not enough road to get to 88.''' * '''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''' ** Who: Marty McFly and Doc Brown ** Source: ''[[Back to the Future]]'' (1985) * '''Doc! Doc? Doc? Oh, fantastic.''' ** Who: Marty McFly ** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part II]]'' (1989) * '''Hey Doc! Where are you going now? Back to the future?''' * '''Nope. Already been there.''' ** Who: Marty McFly and Doc Brown ** Source: ''[[Back to the Future Part III]]'' (1990) === ''Bill & Ted'' film series === * '''They do get better.''' ** Who: Rufus ** Source: ''[[Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure]]'' (1989) * '''Very good, very good.''' ** Who: British husband ** Source: ''[[Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey]]'' (1991) * '''And so, it wasn't so much the song that made a difference. It was everyone playing together...and it worked.''' ** Who: Wilhelmina "Billie" Logan * (post-credits): '''Nurse!''' ** Who: Elder Ted "Theodore" Logan ** Source: ''[[Bill & Ted: Face The Music]]'' (2020) === DC Extended Universe === * '''Of all the Lanterns who have ever worn the ring, there was one whose light shined brightest. At first his humanity was thought to be a weakness, and yet it proved to be his greatest strength.''' ** Who: Tomar-Re ** Source: ''[[Green Lantern (film)|Green Lantern]]'' (2011) * '''Glad to be here, Lois.''' ** Who: Clark Kent ** Source: ''[[Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]'' (2013) * '''Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the bells are ringing. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.''' ** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr. ** Source: ''[[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]]'' (2016) * '''You should shut it down, or my friends and I will do it for you.''' ** Who: Bruce Wayne ** Source: ''[[Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad]]'' (2016) * '''I used to want to save the world. To end war and bring peace to mankind; but then I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their light. I learnt that inside every one of them there will always be both. The choice each must make for themselves — something no hero will ever defeat. And now I know... that only love can truly save the world. So now I stay, I fight, and I give — for the world I know can be. This is my mission now. Forever.''' ** Who: Wonder Woman ** Source: ''[[Wonder Woman (2017 film)|Wonder Woman]]'' (2017) * '''No, I have too much to live for and more important things to do. We have to level the playing field, Mr. Wilson. To put it plainly, shouldn't we have a league of our own?''' ** Who: Lex Luthor, Jr. ** Source: ''[[Justice League (film)|Justice League]]'' (2017) * '''Sure. But first, you gotta tell me how to find him.''' ** Who: David Kane / Black Manta ** Source: ''[[Aquaman (film)|Aquaman]]'' (2018) * '''Uh...well, that's not THAT cool.''' ** Who: Billy Batson / Shazam ** Source: ''[[Shazam! (film)|Shazam!]]'' (2019) * '''Are you dummies still sitting there? Fine! Since you stuck it out this long, I'll tell you a super-duper secret secret, which you can't tell anyone! Okay. Did you know that Batman f...''' ** Who: Harleen Quinzel / Harley Quinn ** Source: ''[[Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)]]'' (2020) * '''Just to save the fucking world, that’s all.''' ** Who: Emilia Harcourt ** Source: ''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|The Suicide Squad]]'' (2021) * '''It's been a while since anyone's made the world this nervous. Black Adam. We should talk.''' ** Who: Superman ** Source: [[Black Adam (film)|''Black Adam'']] (2022) === ''Dennis the Menace'' film series === * '''Oh, I'm gonna get that little kid!''' ** Who: Andrea ** Source: ''Dennis the Menace'' (1993) * '''He's a menace!''' ** Who: George Wilson ** Source: ''Dennis the Menace: Strikes Again'' (1998) * '''Dennis!''' ** Who: George Wilson ** Source: ''A Dennis the Menace Christmas'' (2007) === Disney Channel Original Movies === *'''See ya later! I can feel it in my bones! Ha! See ya!''' ** Who: Benny the Skeleton ** Source: ''[[Halloweentown]]'' (1998) *'''I'd like that.''' ** Who: Aggie Cromwell ** Source: ''[[Halloweentown II: Kalibar's Revenge]]'' (2001) *'''Since this is my first autobiography, I might not have gotten everything right. The events are true, the feelings are genuine, and my memoirs are finished. But I might have forgotten what everyone was wearing.''' ** Who: Kelly Conners ** Source: ''[[Cadet Kelly]]'' (2002) *'''Because it always is.''' ** Who: Ren Stevens ** Source: ''[[The Even Stevens Movie]]'' (2003) * '''Oh, sure. She's just hanging around somewhere.''' ** Who: Aggie Cromwell ** Source: ''[[Halloweentown High]]'' (2004) * '''Oh, boy...''' ** Who: Dylan Piper ** Source: ''[[Return to Halloweentown]]'' (2006) * '''Let's kick it!''' ** Who: Dee La Duke * (extended ending:) '''And...go.''' ** Who: Mitchie Torres ** Source: ''[[Camp Rock]]'' (2008) * '''I'm sure we can work something out.''' ** Who: Brown Cesario ** Source: ''[[Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam]]'' (2010) * '''Mark it...play back!''' ** Who: Vikram ** Source: ''[[w:The Cheetah Girls: One World|The Cheetah Girls: One World]]'' (2008) * '''Santa?''' ** Who: Rowena Clyborn ** Source: ''Christmas...Again?!'' (2021) * '''Oh...''' ''[laughs]'' '''I was having so much fun, I almost forgot. You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?''' ** Who: Mal ** Source: ''[[Descendants (2015 film)|Descentants]]'' (2015) * '''What? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?''' ** Who: Uma ** Source: ''[[Descendants 2]]'' (2017) * '''Hey, last one over the bridge...''' * '''...Is a ROTTEN APPLE!!!''' ** Who 1: Carlos ** Who 2: The VKs ** Source: ''[[Descendants 3]]'' (2019) * '''Yeah! Whoo! That's what I'm talkin' about! Whoo!''' ** Who: Troy Bolten * (post-credits:) '''I might even make you a creme brulee.''' ** Who: Zeke Baylor ** Source: ''[[High School Musical]]'' (2006) * '''Go, Twitches! Go, Twitches! It's our birthday! It's our birthday!''' ** Who: Alexandra Fielding and Camryn Barnes ** Source: ''[[Twitches]]'' (2006) * '''No. Here's to right now.''' ** Who: Troy Bolten ** Source: ''[[High School Musical 2]]'' (2007) * '''Go, Twitches! Go, Twitches! Go, Twitches! Go, Twitches! Go, Twitches!''' ** Who: Alexandra Fielding, Camryn Barnes, Illiana, and Karsh ** Source: ''[[Twitches Too]]'' (2007) * '''Thank you! Whoo!''' ** Who: Troy Bolten ** Source: ''[[High School Musical 3: Senior Year]]'' (2008) * '''So, things went back to normal. Or, at least as normal as the life of a high school crime fighter can be. It took some time and a mega amount of coding, but we stabilized Athena, flushed out Drakken's evil programming, and saved the good in her. Together, we formed a martial arts club, and now everyone at Middleton High wants to join. Well, almost everyone. And as for me, learning to be a better friend...Made me a better hero.''' ** Who: Kim Possible * (in-credits:) '''Okay. My new evil master plan to take down Kim Possible will be my tightest yet!''' ** Who: Young Dr. Drakken ** Source: ''Kim Possible'' (2019) * '''I just hope our new guitar player can keep up.''' ** Who: Olivia White ** Source: ''[[Lemonade Mouth (film)|Lemonade Mouth]]'' (2011) * '''Viva la reina Rosalinda!''' ** Who: Everyone ** Source: ''[[Princess Protection Program]]'' (2009) * '''Sing!''' ** Who: Brady ** Source: ''[[w:Teen Beach Movie|Teen Beach Movie]]'' (2013) * '''I'm Mack.''' ** Who: McKenzie / Mack ** Souce: ''[[w:Teen Beach 2|Teen Beach 2]]'' (2015) * '''Pretty soon, everyone forgot about the Sage way. That's the old way. The new way is to let kids be themselves. After all, everybody has their something. And letting everybody be the most of their something they can be? That's the ''real'' magic.''' ** Who: Nori Boxwood-Horace ** Source: ''Upside-Down Magic'' (2020) * '''Zander, this is Puppy.''' ** Who: Zoey ** Source: ''[[Zombies (2018 film)|Zombies]]'' (2018) * '''Weird...''' ** Who: Addison Wells ** Source: ''[[Zombies 2|Zombies 2]]'' (2020) *'''I'm going to space! I'm going to space!''' ** Who: Bucky Buchanan ** Source: ''[[Zombies 3]]'' (2022) * '''Aww, what a sweet, happy ending. Everybody got what they wanted. But getting what you want can be dangerous... Especially when you mess with the fabric of time. You didn't think that was the end of this story, did you?''' ** Who: Uma ** Source: ''[[Descendants: The Rise of Red]]'' (2024) ** Note: Immediately leads into the events of ''Descendants: Wicked Wonderland''. ===''American Girl''=== * '''If we are, I hope we never wake up.''' ** Who: Samantha Parkington ** Source: ''Samantha: An American Girl Holiday'' (2004) * '''As the carolers sang, I knew that no matter where our journeys led us, we would always have in our hearts, the comforts of that evening, the love of our families, and the everlasting nature of true friendship.''' ** Who: Felicity Merriman ** Source: ''Felicity: An American Girl Adventure'' (2006) * '''My mum's favorite part was the very end of the story. "And it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, 'God bless Us, Every One!"'''' ** Who: Emily Bennett ** Source: ''Molly: An American Girl on the Home Front'' (2006) * '''Now, no matter what life had in store, I was ready.''' ** Who: Margaret Mildred 'Kit' Kittredge ** Source: ''Kit Kittredge: An American Girl'' (2008) * '''Mesa Grande Elementary will have an art program this year!''' ** Who: Principal Laird ** Source: ''Saige Paints The Sky'' (2013) === ''Enchanted'' series === * '''And so, they all lived happily ever after.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Enchanted (2007 film)|Enchanted]]'' (2007) * '''I love you. I can't wish for anything more.''' ** Who: Robert Phillip ** Source: ''[[Disenchanted (film)|Disenchanted]]'' (2022) === ''[[Harry Potter]]'' series === * '''Feels strange to be going home, doesn't it?''' * '''I'm not going home. Not really.''' ** Who: Hermione Granger and Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (film)|Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone]]'' (2001) * '''There's no Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.''' ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]'' (2002) * '''This came with it.''' ** Who 1: Hermione Granger * '''How fast does it go, Harry?''' ** Who 2: Random Gryffindor Student * (post-credits:) '''Mischief managed. Nox.''' ** Who 3: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film)|Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban]]'' (2004) * '''Yeah. Every week.''' ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (film)|Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire]]'' (2005) * '''Something worth fighting for.''' ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (film)|Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix]]'' (2007) * '''I never realized how beautiful this place was.''' ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)|Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince]]'' (2009) * '''I want to bury him. Properly, without magic.''' ** Who: Harry Potter ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1]]'' (2010) * '''Ready?''' * '''Ready.''' ** Who: Harry Potter and Albus Severus Potter * '''Bye!''' ** Who: Random Hogwarts Student on the train ** Source: ''[[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]'' (2011) * '''So yeah. It was...very...it was a very good ten years.''' ** Who: Daniel Radcliffe * '''After all this time?''' * '''Always.''' ** Who: Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore (Archival footage) ** Source: ''Harry Potter 20th Anniversary: Harry Potter and the Return To Hogwarts'' (2022) === ''Ghostbusters'' series === * '''I love this town! Ha ha!''' ** Who: Winston Zeddmore * (in-credits:) I wanna go with them, in their car. ** Who: Louis Tully ** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' (1984) * '''No, I believe it's one of the Fettuccinis.''' ** Who: Peter Venkman * (in-credits:) '''Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters! [cheering continues]''' ** Who: Everyone ** Source: ''[[Ghostbusters II]]'' (1989) === ''Goosebumps'' film series === * '''You forgot about me.''' ** Who: Invisible Boy ** Source: ''[[Goosebumps (film)|Goosebumps]]'' (2015) * '''You try living in a book for a while, Papa.''' ** Who: Slappy the Dummy * (in-credits:) '''Hiya! Look at my candle.''' ** Who: Pumpkin * (post-credits:) '''Slappy Halloween.''' ''[cackles]'' ** Who: Slappy the Dummy ** Source: ''[[Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween]]'' (2018) === ''Hannibal Lecter'' series === * '''Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter? Dr. Lecter?''' ** Who: Clarice Starling ** Source: ''[[The Silence of the Lambs]]'' (1991) === ''[[Home Alone]]'' series === * '''Kevin! What did you do to my room?!''' ** Who: Buzz McCallister ** Source: ''[[Home Alone]]'' (1990) * '''KEVIN!!! YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?!?!''' ** Who: Peter McCallister ** Source: ''[[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]]'' (1992) === ''Independence Day'' films === * '''Yeah.''' ** Who: Dylan Dubrow-Hiller ** Source: ''[[Independence Day (1996 film)|Independence Day]]'' (1996) * '''We are gonna kick some serious alien ass.''' ** Who: Dr. Brakish Okun ** Source: ''[[Independence Day: Resurgence]]'' (2016) === ''[[Indiana Jones]]'' series === * '''Well, I know what I've got here. Come on. I'll buy you a drink. You know, a drink?''' ** Who: Marion Ravenwood ** Source: ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' (1981) * '''Uh-oh!''' ** Who: Short Round ** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]'' (1984) * '''Yes, sir.''' ** Who: Indiana Jones ** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]]'' (1989) * '''Thanks, Ox.''' ** Who: Indiana Jones and Mutt Williams ** Source: ''[[Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]'' (2008) === ''Inspector Gadget'' films === * '''A happy ending. What could be better than true love? Ooh, cute little bug. Wait up, fraulein. Did you know I speak German? Fahrvergnugen, baby.''' ** Who: Gadgetmobile * (mid-credits:) '''Hey, thanks for watching my movie. Yeah, my movie, even though we called it Inspector Gadget. I know you all are wondering; Things with the Volkswagen are workin' out real good. We got married in Las Vegas, in a drive-through Chapel. We're expecting a little subcompact any day now, thinking of calling him "The Love Bug", which is in no way a plug for my employer, The Walt Disney Company. Although, when our little one is old enough, I'm sure his first words will be, "I'm going to Disneyland!" But don't any of you leave for theme parks just yet. All these fine people made me look good.''' ** Who: Gadgetmobile * (post-credits:) '''Wow! You made it through the credits, and we didn't offer you anything for free! Movie audiences are the best audiences in the world. Now, get out, go home, leave, vamoose. You got to go. I am tired. Please go home, go home, go home, go home. Good night, Riverton!''' ** Who: Gadgetmobile ** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget (film)|Inspector Gadget]]'' (1999) * '''GADGET!!!''' ** Who: Chief Quimby and Mayor Wilson ** Source: ''[[Inspector Gadget 2]]'' (2003) === ''[[James Bond]]'' films === * '''Throw us your line.''' ** Who: Felix Leiter ** Source: ''[[Dr. No]]'' (1962) * '''I'll show you.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[From Russia With Love]]'' (1963) * '''Oh, no, you don't. This is not time to be rescued.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Goldfinger]]'' (1964) * '''Get down!''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Thunderball]]'' (1965) * '''It will be a pleasure sir.''' ** Who: Miss Moneypenny ** Source: ''[[You Only Live Twice]]'' (1967) * '''Four, three, two.''' ** Who: Jimmy Bond ** Source: ''Casino Royale'' (1967) * '''It's no hurry, really. All the time in the world.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' (1969) * '''James, how do we get those diamonds down again?''' ** Who: Tiffany Case ** Source: ''[[Diamonds Are Forever]]'' (1971) * '''Just being disarming, darling.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Live and Let Die]]'' (1973) * '''Goodnight, sir.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[The Man with the Golden Gun]]'' (1974) * '''Keeping the British end up, sir.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[The Spy Who Loved Me]]'' (1977) * '''Why not?''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Moonraker]]'' (1979) * '''Bond, Bond, Bond!''' ** Who: Sir Frederick Gray ** Source: ''[[For Your Eyes Only]]'' (1981) * '''James.''' ** Who: Octopussy ** Source: ''[[Octopussy]]'' (1983) * '''Never?''' ** Who: Domino Petachi ** Source: ''[[Never Say Never Again]]'' (1983) * '''Oh, James.''' ** Who: Stacey Stutton ** Source: ''[[A View to a Kill]]'' (1985) * '''Oh, James.''' ** Who: Kara Milovy ** Source: ''[[The Living Daylights]]'' (1987) * '''So, why don't you ask me?''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Licence to Kill]]'' (1989) * '''Darling, what could possibly go wrong, okay?''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[GoldenEye]]'' (1995) * '''Let's stay undercover.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Tomorrow Never Dies]]'' (1997) * '''I thought Christmas only comes once a year.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[The World Is Not Enough]]'' (1999) * '''Especially, when your bad.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Die Another Day]]'' (2002) * '''The name's Bond. James Bond.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Casino Royale (2006 film)|Casino Royale]]'' (2006) * '''I never left.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' (2008) * '''With pleasure, M. With pleasure.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Skyfall]]'' (2012) * '''There's just one thing I need.''' ** Who: James Bond ** Source: ''[[Spectre (2015 film)|Spectre]]'' (2015) * '''I'm going to tell you a story...about a man. His name is Bond, James Bond.''' ** Who: Madeleine Swann ** Source: ''[[No Time To Die]]'' (2021) === ''Jaws'' series === * '''I can't imagine why.''' ** Who: Matt Hooper ** Source: ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' (1975) * '''Sure they did.''' ** Who: Brody ** Source: ''[[Jaws 2]]'' (1978) * '''All right!''' ** Who: Mike ** Source: ''[[Jaws 3-D]]'' (1983) * '''There they were, all hundred of them!''' ** Who: Hoagie ** Source: ''[[Jaws: The Revenge]]'' (1987) === ''Jumanji'' series === * '''What's that noise?''' ** Who: Emilie Reynaud ** Source: ''[[Jumanji]]'' (1995) *'''Walter, what?''' ** Who: Danny ** Source: [[Zathura: A Space Adventure]] (2005) * '''Smoldering.''' ** Who: Anthony "Fridge" Johnson ** Source: ''[[Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle]]'' (2017) * '''I don't know if we already agreed on that.''' ** Who: Anthony "Fridge" Johnson * (mid-credits:) '''It looks like it's broken. Maybe you shouldn't touch it.''' ** Who: Janice Gilpin ** Source: ''[[Jumanji: The Next Level]]'' (2019) === ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' series === * '''Come on.''' ** Who: Dr. Alan Grant ** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park]]'' (1993) * '''It is absolutely imperative that we work with the Costa Rican Department of Biological Preserves to establish a set of rules for the preservation and isolation of that island. These creatures require our absence to survive, not our help. And if we could only step aside and trust in nature, life will find a way.''' ** Who: John Hammond ** Source: ''[[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]]'' (1997) * '''Let's go home.''' ** Who: Paul Kirby ** Source: ''[[Jurassic Park III]]'' (2001) * '''Probably stick together, for survival.''' ** Who: Owen Grady ** Source: ''[[Jurassic World]]'' (2015) * '''Welcome to Jurassic World.''' ** Who: Ian Malcolm ** Source: ''[[Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom]]'' (2018) * '''Life on Earth has existed for hundreds of millions of years. And dinosaurs were only a part of that, and we're an even smaller part of that. They really put us in perspective. The idea that life on Earth existed 65 million years ago...it's humbling. We act like we’re alone here, but we're not. We're part of a fragile system made up of all living things. If we're going to survive, we'll have to trust each other, depend on each other, coexist.''' ** Who: Charlotte Lockwood ** Source: ''[[Jurassic World Dominion]]'' (2022) * '''Look.''' ** Who: Isabella Delgado ** Source: ''[[Jurassic World Rebirth]]'' (2025) === Marvel Cinematic Universe === * '''I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.''' ** Who: Nick Fury ** Source: ''[[Iron Man (2008 film)|Iron Man]]'' (2008) * '''Who's "we"?''' ** Who: General Thunderbolt Ross ** Source: ''[[The Incredible Hulk (film)|The Incredible Hulk]]'' (2008) * '''Sir, we found it.''' ** Who: Agent Phil Coulson ** Source: ''[[Iron Man 2]]'' (2010) * '''Well, I guess that's worth a look.''' ** Who: Loki, via Erik Selvig ** Source: ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'' (2011) * '''Yeah. Yeah, I just...I had a date.''' ** Who: Steve Rogers ** Source: ''[[Captain America: The First Avenger]]'' (2011) ** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''The Avengers'', and thus not truly end the film. * '''To challenge them...is to court...death.''' ** Who: The Other ** Source: ''[[The Avengers (2012 film)|The Avengers]]'' (2012) * '''I'm 14-years-old, and I still had a nanny. That was weird.''' ** Who: Tony Stark ** Source: ''[[Iron Man 3]]'' (2013) * '''One down, five to go.''' ** Who: The Collector ** Source: ''[[Thor: The Dark World]]'' (2013) * '''There is nothing more horrifying...than a miracle.''' ** Who: Baron Wolfgang von Strucker ** Source: ''[[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]]'' (2014) * '''What do you let it lick you like that for? Gross. Yeah! But it burns going down.''' ** Who: Howard the Duck ** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy (film)|Guardians of the Galaxy]]'' (2014) * '''Fine, I'll do it myself.''' ** Who: Thanos ** Source: ''[[Avengers: Age of Ultron]]'' (2015) * '''It's about damn time.''' ** Who: Hope van Dyne ** Source: ''[[Ant-Man (film)|Ant-Man]]'' (2015) ** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Captain America: Civil War'', and thus not truly end the film. * '''Hey, can you shut the door?''' ** Who: Peter Parker ** Source: ''[[Captain America: Civil War]]'' (2016) * '''Because I see at long last what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers.''' ** Who: Karl Mordo ** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]'' (2016) * '''Hey, fellas! Hey, wait, where are you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How will I get out of here? Hey! Oh, gee, I've got so many more stories to tell! Oh, guys! Oh, gee!''' ** Who: The Watcher Informant ** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]'' (2017) * '''Hi, I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a student or soldier can have. Patience. Sometimes, patience is the key to victory. Sometimes, it leads to very little, and it seems like it's not worth it, and you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing...How many more of these?''' ** Who: Steve Rogers / Captain America ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' (2017) ** Notes: Post-credit scene is a PSA recording of Captain America. * '''I just, I gotta say. I'm proud of you all. This revolution has been a huge success. Yay us! Pat-pat on the back. Pat on the back. Come on. No? Me too. 'Cause I've been a big part of it. Can't have a revolution without somebody to overthrow! So, ah, you're welcome. And, uh, it's a tie.''' ** Who: The Grandmaster ** Source: ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' (2017) * '''Come, we have much to learn.''' ** Who: Shuri ** Source: ''[[Black Panther (film)|Black Panther]]'' (2018) * '''Oh, no. Motherf...''' ** Who: Nick Fury ** Source: ''[[Avengers: Infinity War]]'' (2018) * '''Hello? Ha-ha, very funny. Hank, quit screwing around. You told me yourself, not screw around. Hank? Hope? Janet? Guys...Guys? Be seriously, don't joke around! Bring me up, let's go! GUYS!''' ** Who: Scott Lang / Ant-Man ** Source: ''[[Ant-Man and the Wasp]]'' (2018) * '''Where's Fury?''' ** Who: Captain Marvel ** Source: ''[[Captain Marvel (film)|Captain Marvel]]'' (2019) * '''No. No, I don't think I will.''' ** Who: Steve Rogers ** Source: ''[[Avengers: Endgame]]'' (2019) * '''Who's got my shoes?''' ** Who: Nick Fury ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: Far From Home]]'' (2019) * '''Oh yeah. You and me both. Believe me... you're gonna earn it. I've got your next target. Thought I'd hand-deliver it. Maybe you'd like a shot at the man responsible for your sister's death. Kind of a cutie, don't you think?''' ** Who: Valentina Allegra de Fontaine ** Source: ''[[Black Widow (2021 film)|Black Widow]]'' (2021) * '''Let's get started. We have a lot of work to do.''' ** Who: Xialing ** Source: ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' (2021) * '''Sure you’re ready for that, Mr. Whitman?''' ** Who: Mysterious Man ** Source: ''[[Eternals (film)|Eternals]]'' (2021) ** Note: The unseen man is identified off-screen as Eric Brooks / Blade. * '''And there he goes. Without paying the bills, no tips, nothing.''' ** Who: Bartender ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man: No Way Home]]'' (2021) ** Notes: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness'', and thus not truly end the film. * ''[laughs maniacally]'' '''It's over!''' ** Who: Pizza Poppa vendor (Bruce Campbell) ** Source: ''[[Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness]]'' (2022) * '''Thank you for looking after my son. You are very welcome here, to the land of the gods. Welcome to Valhalla.''' ** Who: Heimdall ** Source: ''[[Thor: Love and Thunder]]'' (2022) * '''My name is Prince T'Challa, son of King T'Challa.''' ** Who: T'Challa II / Toussaint ** Source: ''[[Black Panther: Wakanda Forever]]'' (2022) * '''All of us.''' ** Who: Immortus ** Source: ''[[Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania]]'' (2023) ** Note: The following post-creidt scene depicts scenes from the second season of ''Loki'', and thus not truly end the film. * '''Oh, really? Now I kind of want to know.''' ** Who: Peter Quill ** Source: ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3]]'' (2023) * '''Oh, shit.''' ** Who: Monica Raumbeau ** Source: ''[[The Marvels]]'' (2023) * '''Gotcha, fuck face.''' ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool ** Source: ''[[Deadpool & Wolverine]]'' (2024) *'''We share the same world, don't we? This world you would die to save? It's coming. I've seen it, the probabilities, seen it plain as day. All you heroes protecting this world… do you think you're the only ones? Do you think this is the only world? We'll see what happens when you have to protect this place from the others.''' ** Who: Samuel Sterns / The Leader ** Source: ''[[Captain America: Brave New World]]'' (2025) *'''It’s a… it’s a cool ship.''' ** Who: John Walker / U.S. Agent ** Source: ''[[Thunderbolts*]]'' (2025) *'''Okay. Back in a second, babe. H.E.R.B.I.E., have you seen the book that Franklin loves?''' ''[H.E.R.B.I.E. vocalizes]'' '''Not that one. We did that one yesterday, and I know he loves it, but thi… Here we are. It’s here.''' ''[H.E.R.B.I.E. vocalizes]'' '''We’re going for something a little bit more fun today. Yeah?''' ** Who: Susan Storm / Invisible Woman ** Source: ''[[The Fantastic Four: First Steps]]'' (2025) === ''The Mask'' film series === * '''SSSMOKIN'!''' ** Who: Stanley Ipkiss ** Source: ''[[The Mask (film)|The Mask]]'' (1994) * '''What do you think about that Double A? A little brother or sister? How does that sound?''' ** Who: Tim Avery ** Source: ''[[Son of the Mask]]'' (2005) === ''[[The Matrix (franchise)|The Matrix]]'' === * '''I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid...you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.''' ** Who: Neo / Thomas A. Anderson ** Source: ''[[The Matrix (film)|The Matrix]]'' (1999) * '''Only one.''' ** Who: Roland ** Source: ''[[The Matrix Reloaded]]'' (2003) * '''Oh, no. No, I didn't. But I believed...I believed.''' ** Who: The Oracle ** Source: ''[[The Matrix Revolutions]]'' (2003) * '''Another chance.''' ** Who: Trinity ** Source: ''[[The Matrix Resurrections]]'' (2021) === ''Middle-Earth'' film series === * '''Sam, I'm glad you're with me.''' ** Who: Frodo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring]]'' (2001) * '''Follow me.''' ** Who: Gollum ** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers]]'' (2002) * '''Well, I'm back.''' ** Who: Samwise Gamgee ** Source: ''[[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King]]'' (2003) * '''You're right. I do believe the worst is behind us.''' ** Who: Bilbo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey]]'' (2012) * '''What have we done?''' ** Who: Bilbo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug]]'' (2013) * '''Come in, come in! Welcome, welcome...''' ** Who: Bilbo Baggins ** Source: ''[[The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies]]'' (2014) === ''Men in Black'' film series === * '''Hey, Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game.''' * '''All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.''' * '''Rodman? You're kidding.''' * '''Nope.''' * '''Not much of a disguise.''' ** Who: Agent L and Agent J ** Source: ''[[Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]'' (1997) * '''Whoa.''' ** Who: Frank the Pug ** Source: ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002) * '''That was a close one.''' ** Who: Griffin ** Source: ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012) * '''Yeah, got it. I'm gonna trust my gut.''' ** Who: Agent M ** Source: ''[[Men in Black: International]]'' (2019) === ''MonsterVerse'' === * '''Sweetie!''' ** Who: Elle Brody ** Source: ''[[Godzilla (2014 film)|Godzilla]]'' (2014) * '''This world never belonged to us. It belonged to them. The question is, how long before they take it back. Kong is not the only king.''' ** Who: Houston Brooks ** Source: ''[[Kong: Skull Island]]'' (2017) === ''National Treasure'' === * '''You'll figure it out.''' ** Who: Abigail Chase ** Source: ''[[National Treasure (film)|National Treasure]]'' (2004) * '''I love this car.''' ** Who: Riley Poole ** Source: ''[[National Treasure: Book of Secrets|National Treasure: Book of Secrets]]'' (2007) === ''Pirates of the Caribbean'' === * '''Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!''' ** who: Captain Jack Sparrow ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' (2003) * '''So, tell me, what's become of my ship?''' ** who: Captain Hector Barbossa ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' (2006) * '''Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, we loot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot, drink up, me hearties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me...''' ** who: Henry Turner ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' (2007) * '''Savvy?''' ** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow ** source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' (2011) * '''I have a rendezvous beyond my...Beloved horizon.''' ** Who: Captain Jack Sparrow ** Source: ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' (2017) === ''[[Planet of the Apes]]'' === * '''You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!''' ** Who: Captain George Taylor ** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968) * '''In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.''' ** Who: Ending Voiceover ** Source: ''[[Beneath the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1970) * '''Mama? Mama? Mama?''' ** Who: Milo ** Source: ''[[Escape from the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1971) * '''But now...now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, and those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth of the Planet of the Apes!''' ** Who: Caesar ** Source: ''[[Conquest of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1972) * '''Perhaps only the dead.''' ** Who: The Lawgiver ** Source: ''[[Battle for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (1973) * '''Keep your hands up!''' ** Who: Police Ape 3 ** Source: ''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001) * '''Okay. Caesar is home. Go.''' ** Who: Will Rodman ** Source: ''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2011) * '''I did, too.''' ** Who: Caesar ** Source: ''[[Dawn of the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2014) * '''Caesar.''' ** Who: Maurice ** Source: ''[[War for the Planet of the Apes]]'' (2017) === ''[[Power Rangers]]'' film series === * '''Wha-hoo, Yeah.''' ** Who: Fred Kelman * (mid-credits:) '''Uh-oh!''' ** Who: Goldar and Mordant ** Source: ''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]'' (1995) * '''Yeah, Woo!''' ** Who: Tommy Oliver * (mid-credits:) '''Shift into Turbo!''' ** Who: Tommy Oliver ** Source: ''[[Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie]]'' (1997) * '''This Ranger team did what my team could not. You will humbly walk amongst your peers, but heroes you all will be. Each of your names will be etched alongside the great Ranger teams before you. I will always owe a debt of gratitude to you all.''' ** Who: Zordon * (mid-credits:) '''It might've been my fault, It might've been my fault, I'm so sorry.''' ** Who: Billy Cranston ** Source: ''[[Power Rangers (2017 film)|Power Rangers]]'' (2017) === ''[[RoboCop]]'' === * '''Murphy.''' ** Who: RoboCop ** Source: ''[[RoboCop]]'' (1987) * '''Patience, Lewis. We're only human.''' ** Who: RoboCop ** Source: ''[[RoboCop 2]]'' (1990) * '''My friends call me Murphy. You can call me...RoboCop!''' ** Who: RoboCop ** Source: ''[[Robocop 3]]'' (1993) === ''Scooby-Doo'' live action movies === * '''Whatever the case, Mystery Inc. will be there.''' * '''Solving mysteries, man.''' * '''Writing wrongs.''' * '''Looking for clues, and kicking butt!''' ** Who: Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley * (in-credits:) '''On the count of three.''' * '''One, two, three!''' ** Who: Scooby-Doo and Shaggy Rogers ** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002) * '''Scooby-Dooby-Doo!''' * (post credits:) '''Game Boy Advance secret code.''' ** Who: Scooby-Doo ** Source: ''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004) === ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' movies === * '''See ya.''' ** Who: Big Bird * '''Bruno, come on!''' ** Who: Oscar the Grouch * (post-credits) '''That is 278 incredible, colossal credits! Ha-ha-ha-ha, I love motion pictures! Wonderful! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!''' ** Who: [[w:Count von Count|Count von Count]] ** Source: ''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' (1985) * '''Bye-bye!''' ** Who: [[w:Elmo|Elmo]], [[w:Ernie (Sesame Street)|Ernie]] ** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland]]'' (1999) === ''The Santa Clause'' film series === * '''Santa!''' ** Who: Laura Miller ** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause]]'' (1994) * '''Nothing wrong with a straight line, Chet. Chet! CHET!!''' ** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus ** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 2]]'' (2002) * '''That's right. Say hello to Buddy Claus. What's going on?''' * (in-credits) '''I was happy'''. ** Who: Scott Calvin / Santa Claus ** Source: ''[[The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause]]'' (2006) === ''[[w:The Smurfs in film|The Smurfs]]'' film series === * '''Grace, I smurf you.''' ** Who: Patrick * (mid-credits) '''Smurfs. Smurfs! I wish I could quit you. Get out of here. What are you looking at?''' ** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]] ** Source: ''[[The Smurfs (film)|The Smurfs]]'' (2011) ** Note: He was stuck in New York City powerless and while the Smurfs went back to Smurf Village with victory and no Gargamel to bother him. * '''Have a nice trip.''' ** Who: Jokey * (mid-credits) '''So long, sucker!''' ** Who: Azrael * (mid-credits) '''And where do you think you’re going?! You’re coming with me!''' * (mid-credits) '''Ow!''' * (post-credits) '''How dare you call me that?! I have bungled nothing! Well, Paris is over, my friend, we're back here in the Dark Ages, I suggest you get used to it! Aw, you want room service, why don't you yell out the window?! Don't you show your claws to me unless you are prepared to use them, Mr. Pussy Foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Pussy foot! Stop it! Not the face! Not the face!''' ** Who: [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]] ** Source: ''[[The Smurfs 2]]'' (2013) ** Note: At the end when Gargamel blasts off into the air, he and Azrael gets sent back to the castle. They get into a fight and Azrael then attacks Gargamel with his claws. === ''Sony's Spider-Man Universe'' films === * '''When I get out of here - and I will - there's gonna be ''carnage''.''' ** Who: Cletus Kasady ** Source: ''[[Venom (film)|Venom]]'' (2018) ** Note: Following post-credits scene depicts scenes from ''Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse'', and thus not truly end the film. * (''Roomer: "Dude, what are you doing in my room?"'') '''Uh... I...''' ** Who: Eddie Brock ** Source: ''[[Venom: Let There Be Carnage]]'' (2021) * '''Intriguing.''' ** Who: Michael Morbius ** Source: ''[[Morbius (film)|Morbius]]'' (2022) * '''Whatever the future holds. We’ll be ready. And you know the best thing about the future… It hasn’t happened yet.''' ** Who: Cassandra "Cassie" Web / Madame Web ** Source: [[Madame Web (film)|''Madame Web'']] (2024) === ''Space Jam'' film series === * '''Let's go, bulls!''' ** Who: [[Bill Murray]] * (post-credits): '''Can I go home now?''' ** Who: [[Michael Jordan]] ** Source: ''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996) * '''You can't get rid of us now, doc. We're family!''' ** Who: Bugs Bunny * (post-credits): '''Th-th-that's all folks!''' ** Who: Porky Pig ** Source: ''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021) === ''[[w:Spider-Man_in_film#Sam_Raimi_films|Spider-Man]]'' [[Sam Raimi]] film series === * '''Whatever life holds in store for me, I will never forget these words: "With great power comes great responsibility." This is my gift. My curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man.''' ** Who: Peter Parker ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man (2002 film)|Spider-Man]]'' (2002) * '''Whoo! Hoo-hoo!''' ** Who: Peter Parker / Spider-Man ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' (2004) * '''Whatever comes our way...whatever battle is raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us what we are...and we can always choose to do what's right.''' ** Who: Peter Parker ** Source: ''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' (2007) === ''[[Star Trek]]'' === * '''Thataway!''' ** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979) * '''Space, the final frontier. These are the continuing voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission, to explore strange new worlds...to seek out new lifeforms and new civilisations...To boldly go where no man has gone before.''' ** Who: Spock ** Source: ''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (1982) * '''Yes.''' ** Who: Admiral James T. Kirk ** Source: ''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' (1984) * '''Aye, sir!''' ** Who: Lieutenant Sulu ** Source: ''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' (1986) * '''Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream....''' ** Who: James T. Kirk, Spock & Dr. McCoy ** Source: ''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' (1989) * '''Captain's log, U.S.S. Enterprise, stardate 9529.1. This is the final cruise of the Starship Enterprise under my command. This ship and her history will shortly become the care of another crew. To them and their posterity will we commit our future. They will continue the voyages we have begun and journey to all the undiscovered countries, boldly going where no man, where no one...has gone before.''' ** Who: Captain James T. Kirk ** Source: ''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' (1991) * '''I always thought I'd get a shot at this chair one day.''' * '''Perhaps you still will...somehow [[Wikipedia:USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-E)|I doubt this will be the last ship to carry the name "Enterprise"]]. Picard to Farragut, two to beam up.''' ** Who: Commander William Riker and Captain Jean-Luc Picard ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' (1994) * '''Make it so.''' ** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' (1996) * '''Energize.''' ** Who: Captain Jean-Luc Picard ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' (1998) * '''...Going so right.''' ** Who: B-4 ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' (2002) * '''Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new lifeforms and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.''' ** Who: Spock Prime ** Source: ''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009) * '''Aye, Captain.''' ** Who: Lieutenant Sulu ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Into Darkness]]'' (2013) * '''To boldly go where no one has gone before.''' ** Who: Lieutenant Uhura ** Source: ''[[Star Trek Beyond]]'' (2016) === ''[[Star Wars]]'' === * '''Don't worry, he'll be all right.''' ** Who: Luke Skywalker ** Source: ''[[Star Wars (film)|Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' (1977) * '''May the force be with you.''' ** Who: Luke Skywalker ** Source: ''[[The Empire Strikes Back|Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980) * '''All right. I understand. Fine. When he comes back, I won't get in the way.''' * '''No, he's not like that at all. He's my brother.''' ** Who: Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan ** Source: ''[[Return of the Jedi|Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' (1983) * '''PEACE!!!''' * '''Ya-hoo!''' ** Who: Boss Nass and Jar-Jar Binks ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace]]'' (1999) * '''I have to admit that without the clones, it would have not been a victory.''' * '''Victory? Victory, you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen; Begun, the Clone War has.''' ** Who: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones]]'' (2002) * '''Captain Antilles?''' * '''Yes, your highness?''' * '''I'm placing these droids in your care. Treat them well, clean them up, have the protocol droid's mind wiped.''' * '''What?!''' ''[R2-D2 laughs]'' '''Oh, no.''' ** Who: Bail Organa, Captain Antilles and C-3PO ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith]]'' (2005) * '''Rey? May the Force be with you.''' ** Who: General Leia Organa-Solo ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens]]'' (2015) * '''Hope.''' ** Who: Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan ** Source: ''[[Rogue One]]'' (2016) * '''Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master.''' ** Who: Temiri Blagg ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi]]'' (2017) * '''No, I'm telling ya, it's gonna be great. When have I ever steered you wrong?''' ** Who: Han Solo ** Source: '' [[Solo: A Star Wars Story|Solo]]'' (2018) * '''Rey Skywalker.''' ** Who: Rey ** Source: ''[[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker]]'' (2019) === ''Stuart Little'' films=== * '''I was just thinking.''' * '''What, dear?''' * '''That this is how people look.''' * '''At the end of a fairy tale.''' * '''Yeah, exactly.''' ** Who: Stuart, Elenor, and George Little ** Source: ''[[Stuart Little (film)|Stuart Little]]'' (1999) * '''Big deal. When she can fall from a tree and land on her feet, then I'll be impressed.''' ** Who: Snowbell ** Source: ''[[Stuart Little 2]]'' (2002) === ''[[Superman]]'' === * '''No, sir. Don't thank me, Warden. We're all part of the same team. Good night.''' ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman: The Movie]]'' (1978) * '''Good afternoon, Mr. President. Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again.''' ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman II]]'' (1980) * '''Giorgio, per favore. Que grazie.''' ** Who: Pisa Vendor ** Source: ''[[Superman III]]'' (1983) * '''No. It's the same as it's always been, Luthor. On the brink. With good fighting evil. See you in twenty.''' ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman IV: The Quest for Peace]]'' (1987) * '''I'm always around. Good night, Lois.''' ** Who: Superman ** Source: ''[[Superman Returns]]'' (2006) === ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'' film series === * '''I made a funny!''' ''[laughs]'' ** Who: Splinter ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (1990) * '''I made another funny!''' ''[laughs]'' ** Who: Splinter ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze]]'' (1991) * '''Get down!''' ** Who: Michaelangelo ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time]]'' (1993) * '''I can't see me loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me, baby The skies'll be blue For all my life!''' ** Who: Michaelangelo ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014 film)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' (2014) ** Note: Singing the song "Happy Together" by The Turtles * '''Normal...what fun is that?''' ** Who: Raphael ** Source: ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows]]'' (2016) === ''[[Terminator (franchise)|Terminator]]'' === * '''I know.''' ** Who: Sarah Connor ** Source: ''[[The Terminator]]'' (1984) * '''The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it for the first time with a sense of hope, because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.''' ** Who: Sarah Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]'' (1991) * '''By the time SkyNet became self-aware it had spread into millions of computer servers all across the planet. Ordinary computers in office buildings, dorm rooms, everywhere. It was software, in cyberspace. There was no system core. It could not be shut down. The attack began at 6:18 P.M. just as he said it would. Judgment Day. The day the human race was nearly destroyed by the weapons they built to protect themselves. I should have realized our destiny was never to stop Judgment Day; it was merely to survive it. Together. The Terminator knew. He tried to tell us, but I didn't want to hear it. Maybe the future has been written. I don't know. All I know is what the Terminator taught me. Never stop fighting. And I never will. The battle has just begun.''' ** Who: John Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines]]'' (2003) * '''There is a storm on the horizon. A time of hardship and pain. The battle has been won, but the war against machines rages on. Skynet's global network remains strong, but we will not quit, until all of it is destroyed. This is John Connor. There is no fate but what we make.''' ** Who: John Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator Salvation]]'' (2009) * '''It was over. Skynet was gone. Now, one road has become many. Though questions remain, We'll search for the answers together. But, one thing we know for sure, The future is not set.''' ** Who: Kyle Reese ** Source: ''[[Terminator Genisys]]'' (2015) * '''Then you need to be ready.''' ** Who: Sarah Connor ** Source: ''[[Terminator: Dark Fate]]'' (2019) === ''Top Gun'' film series === * '''I don't know, but uh, it's looking good so far.''' ** Who: Lt. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell ** Source: ''[[Top Gun]]'' (1986) === ''[[X-Men]]'' film series === * '''And I will always be there, old friend.''' ** Who: Professor Charles Xavier ** Source: ''[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]]'' (2000) * '''Mutation. It is the key to our evolution. It is how we have evolved from a single-cell organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few millennia evolution leaps forward.''' ** Who: Jean Grey ** Source: ''[[X2: X-Men United]]'' (2003) * '''Charles?''' ** Who: Moira MacTaggert ** Source: ''[[X-Men: The Last Stand]]'' (2006) * '''Shhh.''' ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool * No. I'm drinking to remember. ** Who: Logan ** Source: ''[[X-Men Origins: Wolverine]]'' (2009) ** Notes: Two alternate post-credits scenes were shown at different screenings. The last line alternates depending on which version was shown. * '''I prefer...''Magneto''.''' ** Who: Erik Lehnsherr ** Source: ''[[X-Men: First Class]]'' (2011) * '''As I told you a long time ago, you're not the only with gifts.''' ** Who: Professor Charles Xavier ** Source: ''[[The Wolverine]]'' (2013) * '''En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur. En Sabah Nur.''' ** Who: Apocalypse's worshippers ** Source: ''[[X-Men: Days of Future Past]]'' (2014) * '''I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!''' ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool * (post-credits:) '''You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go. Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. The sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character, bionic arm, time-travel, we have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody just need a big guy with a flat-top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows, anyway big secret shhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around, it's a total dick move. Go.''' ''[walks away, pops his head back in]'' '''Chicka chi-kaah!''' ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool ** Source: ''[[Deadpool (film)|Deadpool]]'' (2016) * '''Forget everything you think you know. Whatever lessons you learned in school, whatever your parents taught you, none of that matters! You're not kids anymore. You're not students. You're X-Men!''' ** Who: Mystique ** Source: ''[[X-Men: Apocalypse]]'' (2016) * '''"There's no living with a killing. There's no going back from one. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand sticks. There's no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her... tell her everything's all right. And there aren't any more guns in the valley."''' ** Who: Laura ** Source: ''[[Logan (film)|Logan]]'' (2017) ** Notes: Laura is quoting ''[[w:Shane (film)|Shane]]'' as a eulogy for Logan. * '''You're welcome, Canada.''' ** Who: Wade Wilson / Deadpool ** Source: ''[[Deadpool 2]]'' (2018) * '''No, you won't.''' ** Who: Professor Charles Xavier ** Source: ''Dark Phoenix'' (2019) * '''Inside every person there are two bears. One bear is all the good things, compassion, love trust. The other is all the bad things, fear, shame, self-destruction. I asked, "Which one wins?" He answered, "The one you feed."''' ** Who: Danielle "Dani" Moonstar / Mirage ** Source: ''The New Mutants'' (2020) == ''Wicked'' duology == * '''Citizens of Oz, there is an enemy who must be found and captured. Believe nothing she says. She has stolen our ''Grimmerie''. She is evil, responsible for the mutilation of these poor innocent monkeys. Her green skin is but an outward manifestorium of her twisted nature. This distortion. This repulsion. This Wicked Witch.''' ** Who: Madame Morrible ** Source: ''[[Wicked (2024 film)]]'' [[Category:Last lines]] t28dxi4q2j5kua6xb5hdr512vluhaat 0 214875 3944322 3942549 2026-05-23T00:53:23Z ~2026-30775-93 3327657 3944322 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Melody Time|Melody Time]]''''' is a 1948 American [[w:Live-action animated film|hybrid]] film produced by [[Walt Disney]]. It is made up of six segments set to [[w:popular music|popular music]] and [[w:folk music|folk music]]. {{center|'''For Your All-Time Good Time!'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} {{center|'''No Once Upon A Wintertime for all of you! It is Chawhee's cartoon! If anyone goes near Chawhee's sleigh horses, he or she will be sentenced to death!'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==The Master of Ceremonies== * ''[introduction to "Bumble Boogie"]'' Freddy Martin, an admirer of the classics, inspired by Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee", interprets this fantasy in his unique style. In a furious flight, a confused character tries to escape from the hectic harmony of an instrumental nightmare * ''[introduction to "The Legend of Johnny Appleseed"]'' In American folklore, mighty men have left the symbols of their greatness. There was Paul Bunyan's axe. John Henry's hammer. Davy Crockett's rifle. Then, unexpectedly, one comes upon a tinpot hat, a bag of appleseed and a holy book. These are the symbols of one of the mightiest men of all, John Chapman, a real-life pioneer. However, reality has given way to legend. Today, we know him simply as Johnny Appleseed. This is his story, told by an old settler who knew Johnny well. Listen. Every time I see an apple-blossom sky, I think of Johnny Appleseed. Them clouds up there ain't really clouds at all, no, sir! There wouldn't be no apple-blossom sky if it weren't for...But now, hold on here. I'd better start at the beginning. Johnny lived on a farm near [[w:Pittsburgh|Pittsburgh]]. The year was 1806 or there around. You'd say Johnny Appleseed never would make a pioneer, he was such a scrawny little fellow. That didn't faze Johnny. He had his apple trees, the morning sun and the evening breeze. * ''[introduction to "Little Toot"]'' There's drama, there's excitement, and there's harmony for three in a story of adventure on the sea. Now, featured in this epic is a ship of proud design. No, it's not this ocean liner. We take a different line. So with a huff and a puff and a chug-chug-chug, and a perky little hoot, we introduce our hero, the tugboat, Little Toot. * ''[introduction to "Trees"]'' There's poetry in trees. Then one day a poet found it. Then a music master wove around it a melody. An artist touched it, gave it form in colors rich and warm. Now we bring to you these three, poem, picture, melody. A simple tribute to a tree. * ''[introduction to "Blame It On the Samba"]'' The intoxicating rhythm of the samba. A talented miss serves a musical cocktail with a true Latin American fling. So if three boisterous birds of a feather fall under the influence of this torrid tropical tempo, don't blame them, blame it on the rhythm of the samba. * ''[introduction to "Pecos Bill"]'' Here's a tall tale straight from the chuck wagon, just the way the old-timers used to tell it. According to them, Pecos Bill was the roughest, toughest, rootin'est, tootin'est, shootin'est cowpoke that ever lived. Well, any story about old Pecos is bound to be right strong medicine, so maybe it's best to sashay into it kinda gentle-like. ==The Legend of Johnny Appleseed== :'''Johnny Appleseed''':''[staring at his dead body]'' Who's that, sleepin' in the evening dusk? :'''Johnny's Angel''': Why, that's just your husk, John. Your mortal husk. :'''Johnny Appleseed''': ''[shocked]'' My ''husk''?! You mean to say I'm...I'm passed away? ==Pecos Bill== :''[A coyote howls in the distance]'' :'''Luana Patten''': Uncle Roy? :'''Roy Rogers''': Yes, hon? :'''Luana Patten''': What makes wolves howl like that? :'''Bobby Driscoll''': Wolves, huh? Those are ''coyotes'', aren't they Roy? :'''Roy Rogers''': Yup. They're coyotes. Bobby's right. They always howl when the moon is bright. :'''Luana Patten''': Why? :'''Roy Rogers''': Well, that's just a little story. :'''Bobby Driscoll''': Cowboys in it? :'''Roy Rogers''': Yes siree. :'''Bobby Driscoll''': Indians too? ==Cast== * [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] as Himself / Narrator / Singer. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:Trigger (horse)|Trigger]], the smartest horse in the movies as Himself. * [[w:Dennis Day|Dennis Day]] as Narrator / Singer / Characters. (''Johnny Appleseed'') * [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] as Singers. (''Little Toot'') * [[w:Fred Waring|Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians]] as Singers. (''Trees'') * [[w:Freddy Martin|Freddy Martin]] as Music composer. (''Bumble Boogie'') * [[w:Ethel Smith (organist)|Ethel Smith]] as Organist. (''Blame It On the Samba'') * [[w:Buddy Clark|Buddy Clark]] as Singer / Narrator. * [[w:Bob Nolan|Bob Nolan]] as Himself / Singer / Narrator. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:Sons of the Pioneers|Sons of the Pioneers]] as Themselves / Singers / Narrators. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:The Dinning Sisters|The Dinning Sisters]] as Singers. (''Blame It On the Samba'') * [[w:Bobby Driscoll|Bobby Driscoll]] as Himself. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:Luana Patten|Luana Patten]] as Herself. (''Pecos Bill'') ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1948 films]] [[Category:1940s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Package films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Donald Duck films]] [[Category:Censored films]] b3gjh7t9tacpfgazxp1qwl3mesvpalz 3944323 3944322 2026-05-23T00:54:17Z ~2026-30775-93 3327657 3944323 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Melody Time|Melody Time]]''''' is a 1948 American [[w:Live-action animated film|hybrid]] film produced by [[Walt Disney]]. It is made up of six segments set to [[w:popular music|popular music]] and [[w:folk music|folk music]]. {{center|'''For Your All-Time Good Time!'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} {{center|'''No Once Upon A Wintertime for all of you! It is Chawhee's cartoon! If anyone goes near Chawhee's sleigh horses, he or she will be cursed forever or maybe... even worse!'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==The Master of Ceremonies== * ''[introduction to "Bumble Boogie"]'' Freddy Martin, an admirer of the classics, inspired by Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee", interprets this fantasy in his unique style. In a furious flight, a confused character tries to escape from the hectic harmony of an instrumental nightmare * ''[introduction to "The Legend of Johnny Appleseed"]'' In American folklore, mighty men have left the symbols of their greatness. There was Paul Bunyan's axe. John Henry's hammer. Davy Crockett's rifle. Then, unexpectedly, one comes upon a tinpot hat, a bag of appleseed and a holy book. These are the symbols of one of the mightiest men of all, John Chapman, a real-life pioneer. However, reality has given way to legend. Today, we know him simply as Johnny Appleseed. This is his story, told by an old settler who knew Johnny well. Listen. Every time I see an apple-blossom sky, I think of Johnny Appleseed. Them clouds up there ain't really clouds at all, no, sir! There wouldn't be no apple-blossom sky if it weren't for...But now, hold on here. I'd better start at the beginning. Johnny lived on a farm near [[w:Pittsburgh|Pittsburgh]]. The year was 1806 or there around. You'd say Johnny Appleseed never would make a pioneer, he was such a scrawny little fellow. That didn't faze Johnny. He had his apple trees, the morning sun and the evening breeze. * ''[introduction to "Little Toot"]'' There's drama, there's excitement, and there's harmony for three in a story of adventure on the sea. Now, featured in this epic is a ship of proud design. No, it's not this ocean liner. We take a different line. So with a huff and a puff and a chug-chug-chug, and a perky little hoot, we introduce our hero, the tugboat, Little Toot. * ''[introduction to "Trees"]'' There's poetry in trees. Then one day a poet found it. Then a music master wove around it a melody. An artist touched it, gave it form in colors rich and warm. Now we bring to you these three, poem, picture, melody. A simple tribute to a tree. * ''[introduction to "Blame It On the Samba"]'' The intoxicating rhythm of the samba. A talented miss serves a musical cocktail with a true Latin American fling. So if three boisterous birds of a feather fall under the influence of this torrid tropical tempo, don't blame them, blame it on the rhythm of the samba. * ''[introduction to "Pecos Bill"]'' Here's a tall tale straight from the chuck wagon, just the way the old-timers used to tell it. According to them, Pecos Bill was the roughest, toughest, rootin'est, tootin'est, shootin'est cowpoke that ever lived. Well, any story about old Pecos is bound to be right strong medicine, so maybe it's best to sashay into it kinda gentle-like. ==The Legend of Johnny Appleseed== :'''Johnny Appleseed''':''[staring at his dead body]'' Who's that, sleepin' in the evening dusk? :'''Johnny's Angel''': Why, that's just your husk, John. Your mortal husk. :'''Johnny Appleseed''': ''[shocked]'' My ''husk''?! You mean to say I'm...I'm passed away? ==Pecos Bill== :''[A coyote howls in the distance]'' :'''Luana Patten''': Uncle Roy? :'''Roy Rogers''': Yes, hon? :'''Luana Patten''': What makes wolves howl like that? :'''Bobby Driscoll''': Wolves, huh? Those are ''coyotes'', aren't they Roy? :'''Roy Rogers''': Yup. They're coyotes. Bobby's right. They always howl when the moon is bright. :'''Luana Patten''': Why? :'''Roy Rogers''': Well, that's just a little story. :'''Bobby Driscoll''': Cowboys in it? :'''Roy Rogers''': Yes siree. :'''Bobby Driscoll''': Indians too? ==Cast== * [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] as Himself / Narrator / Singer. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:Trigger (horse)|Trigger]], the smartest horse in the movies as Himself. * [[w:Dennis Day|Dennis Day]] as Narrator / Singer / Characters. (''Johnny Appleseed'') * [[w:The Andrews Sisters|The Andrews Sisters]] as Singers. (''Little Toot'') * [[w:Fred Waring|Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians]] as Singers. (''Trees'') * [[w:Freddy Martin|Freddy Martin]] as Music composer. (''Bumble Boogie'') * [[w:Ethel Smith (organist)|Ethel Smith]] as Organist. (''Blame It On the Samba'') * [[w:Buddy Clark|Buddy Clark]] as Singer / Narrator. * [[w:Bob Nolan|Bob Nolan]] as Himself / Singer / Narrator. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:Sons of the Pioneers|Sons of the Pioneers]] as Themselves / Singers / Narrators. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:The Dinning Sisters|The Dinning Sisters]] as Singers. (''Blame It On the Samba'') * [[w:Bobby Driscoll|Bobby Driscoll]] as Himself. (''Pecos Bill'') * [[w:Luana Patten|Luana Patten]] as Herself. (''Pecos Bill'') ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1948 films]] [[Category:1940s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Package films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Donald Duck films]] [[Category:Censored films]] dxaud5298v6s8zzuw7n9d3d53bardcn 14 215858 3944373 3645909 2026-05-23T06:49:56Z EarthDude 3228931 added [[Category:Hindu nationalists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944373 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Politicians from India by political party]] [[Category:Hindu nationalists]] 3shjywk68gmurw5pk5zo8pkx25ob4ib 3944383 3944373 2026-05-23T07:11:38Z EarthDude 3228931 3944383 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Bharatiya Janata Party]] [[Category:Politicians from India by political party]] [[Category:Hindu nationalists]] 7ckmwyo3eu3rs481g2lpc6x05cm6tej 0 218165 3944269 3875608 2026-05-22T20:01:49Z AC9016 2870313 /* H */ 3944269 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Hampden-sydney logo from NCAA.svg|thumb|You will not live in the insular world of Hampden-Sydney's Founders. Your world could not be more different from theirs. It is, however, Hampden-Sydney's belief that the characteristics of the 18th-century gentleman are as important today as two hundred years ago. It is your task to prove it. ~ Thomas H. Shomo]] '''[[w:Hampden–Sydney College|Hampden–Sydney College]]''' (H-SC) is a men's liberal arts college in Hampden Sydney, [[Virginia]]. Founded in 1775, Hampden–Sydney is the oldest privately chartered college in the southern United States, the tenth-oldest college in the nation, the last college founded before the American Declaration of Independence, and one of only three four-year, all-male liberal arts colleges remaining in the United States. Hampden–Sydney College is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and the Virginia Landmarks Register. It is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church (USA). [[File:Kaleidoscope (1922) (14767089712).jpg|thumb|Be good, do good, and you might just get to Hampden-Sydney someday.]] [[File:College Church HSC.jpg|thumb|The noble work of so many of her sons in all lines of high endeavor bears eloquent tribute to the results of this type of education. As long as Christian faith remains, the function of such institutions as Hampden-Sydney is necessary. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]] [[File:Venable Hall HSC.JPG|thumb|This is a great school, but to remain great it must continually study itself, and avoid like the plague a spirit of complacency. ~ Joseph Clarke Robert]] [[File:Hs tigers claretgrey wmark.png|thumb|The duty of becoming and being a good man and a good citizen is never really finished.]] [[File:Christopher Newport University Captains Hampden-Sydney Tigers Men's Lacrosse (25378819541).jpg|thumb|We’re not the biggest team in the world, but we’ve got guys that are tough. We’re going to give 100%. ~ Caleb Kimbrough]] [[File:Cushing Hall at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia.JPG|thumb|The story of higher education in Farmville thus begins not in the town itself but in the hamlet of Hampden-Sydney. ~ Robin Sedgwick]] [[File:Watkins Bell Tower.JPG|thumb|It seems to me from what I have learned that here in these gentle surroundings have been discovered the true functions of a university and its task of sending out into the world not only men of high educational and cultural standards, but men also of vision, of courage, of honesty and decision. ~ [[Percy Spender]]]] [[File:Morton Hall Front Facade.jpg|thumb|It is a treasured thing for a youth to have a special place in which to become a man- a beautiful place where honor is a virtue, civility a habit, and learning a goal. ~ Thomas H. Shomo]] [[File:Kirk Athletic Center.jpg|thumb|Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]] [[File:The Birthplace HSC.JPG|thumb|"From [General Wilson's] office window you can see the Birthplace, the office of Slate Hill Plantation, where a bright young minister led some of his ancestors and their neighbors in founding a little college in the woods." ~ John Luster Brinkley]] [[File:Wilson Center.jpg|thumb|There is no greater need than fine citizens and no better way to produce them than to teach in our Christian colleges the vital relationship between privileges and duties, rights and responsibilities. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]] [[File:Hampden–Sydney College, 1914.jpg|thumb|The most important person walking the grassy knolls of this campus is the student. He is followed closely, almost lockstep, by the second most important person, the teacher. And the most important event transpiring on this campus is the colloquy between that student and teacher. All else is secondary and supporting. ~ [[Samuel V. Wilson]]]] [[File:Bluebasset.jpeg|thumb|In no time, every resident of fourth passage was on the fourth floor, and a vigorious debate was occurring. I was told later that many wanted to throw her out the fourth-floor window immediately, while others wanted somebody (not them) to take her down to the front door. On Monday I was told that the vote for the front door had won 9-8. ~ William W. Porterfield]] [[File:Lake Chalgrove.jpg|thumb|Lake Chalgrove in fall 2013]] [[File:Hampsydney college wmark.png|thumb|Hampden–Sydney College logos]] __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == * One notably absent member of the College community was Lecturer in Government and Foreign Affairs Lt. Col. Rucker Snead ’81 (U.S. Army, Ret.) who passed away on May 3, 2023. Yet though he was physically absent, Col. Snead’s presence was felt throughout the ceremony, from the moment of remembrance at the start of the ceremony, to Andrew Rehak’s memories of Col. Snead’s pep talks as academic advisor to the swim team, to the U.S. Army commissioning ceremony of four new soldiers, whom he mentored as the ROTC advisor over the course of their four years in the program.<br>In a ceremony packed with full circle remembrances, the 2022-23 academic year came to a close right where it started. We were reminded that '''the duty of becoming and being a good man and a good citizen is never really finished.''' Though these young men have now moved on from the Hill, their contributions to the College will be eternal, as are the memories of their too-soon-departed brothers like Col. Snead. Such is the legacy of the sons of Hampden-Sydney. ** Anonymous, [https://www.hsc.edu/news-index/commencement-2023/"Class of 2023 Celebrates Commencement"], 16 May 2023 == B == * '''Brought into being by love of liberty, as Virginians say, Hampden-Sydney has for two centuries provided its graduates with the courage and the insight to be leaders.''' ** [[George H. W. Bush]], 43rd Vice President of the United States, speaking at the 209th commencement at H-SC on 4 May 1985[https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/22] * By ancestral interest and right, Hampden-Sydney was his College. He did not seek the position, but made himself available when he was approached about it; he was 69, and had been officially retired for fourteen years. He was willing to help, to serve, but not as a caretaker or ''Acting'' President; with the support of every constituency, the Board elected General Wilson President on 30 July 1992. '''From his office window you can see the Birthplace, the office of Slate Hill Plantation, where a bright young minister led some of his ancestors and their neighbors in founding a little college in the woods.''' ** John Luster Brinkley, H-SC Class of 1959[https://hscathletics.com/sports/2020/6/22/information-Hall-of-Fame-Hall-of-Fames-Classes-2007.aspx], ''On This Hill: A Narrative History of Hampden-Sydney College'' (1994), p. 846 * ...And that, in order to preserve in the minds of the students that sacred love and attachment which they should ever bear to the principles of the present glorious revolution, the greatest care and caution shall be used in electing such professors and masters, to the end that no person shall be so elected unless the uniform tenor of his conduct manifests to the world his sincere affection for the liberty and independence of the United States of America. ** Excerpt from Article III of the Charter of 28 June 1783, An Act for Incorporating the Trustees of Hampden-Sydney, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill: A Narrative History of Hampden-Sydney College'' (1994), p. 852 == C == * Now, I went to Hampden-Sydney College. Thank you, thank you. Please sit down. And I used to come up here for as much as I could because you had these things back then, I’m not sure what you call them now... girls. We did not have those at Hampden-Sydney. And when I could not find one of those here, I would head over to the White Spot to get a “Grills with” to fill the void in my heart. Literally my cardiologist recently found one lodged in there. ** [[Stephen Colbert]], addressing the [[University of Virginia]] undergraduate Class of 2013 during the class Valedictory Exercises on 18 May 2013[https://majorevents.virginia.edu/finals/archive/stephencolbert2013] == D == == E == == F == == G == * To you, gentlemen members of the Hampden Sidney Institute, I believe Virginia is indebted for the first example of a voluntary association on a large scale, to promote education—an example which I most earnestly hope will be zealously followed in every part of our widely extended territory, until the great, the vital object, which you so laudably aim to accomplish, shall be fully realized to the utmost extent of your wishes. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * If I have succeeded in my most anxious desire to impress upon your minds the thorough conviction that the principles of morality and religion, indissolubly united, must form the beginning, the middle and the end of all that deserves the name of education, your first, your constant and supreme effort will be to acquire them. Then indeed, you may pursue the usual course of your scholastic studies, not only without danger of mistaking the means for the end, but with incalculable advantages both present and prospective; for all will be made conducive to the great, the eternal purposes for which you were created. Your knowledge of foreign languages and histories will contribute to convince you that there have been and still are nations, kindred and people like yourselves,—with similar wants, passions and capabilities, deserving your sympathy, your regard, your brotherly love,—that national antipathies should have no place in a human bosom—that national wars, except for defence, are national crimes; and that man should consider man his brother, in whatever condition or on whatever spot of the habitable globe he may be found. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * Your mathematics will lead you to the conviction, strong and irresistible as the demonstrative principles and reasonings upon which the whole of this noble science depends, that nothing but a God of all perfect wisdom and love could have endowed you with faculties and powers capable of deriving not only the highest mental gratifications from such a source, but of applying the discoveries which produce these gratifications to an infinite series of the most beneficial purposes. Your chemistry will aid in teaching you that none but a Being infinitely wise and of boundless power and goodness, could possibly have contrived and arranged such a vast multitude of substances, in all their endless variety of combinations and affinities, such an immense world of multiform matter—all as it would seem conducive in some way or other to human comfort, gratification, or high enjoyment.<br>Your philosophy and metaphysics, will draw you irresistibly to a great first cause—the supreme, beneficent, ever bounteous Author of all the objects of our senses, of all the powers and conceptions of our understandings; and will indelibly stamp upon your hearts the sentiments of adoration, love and obedience, as the only proper tribute you could pay to a Being, who, so far as we can comprehend his works, hath made them all subservient, either directly or indirectly, to our own happiness, both in time and eternity. These sciences will bring home to your bosoms and business the vital truth that you have minds of vast powers of comprehension—faculties capable of undefinable expansion; and souls of such godlike energies, aspirations and capacities of enjoyment, as nothing less than a God of all power, wisdom and love, could either have created or bestowed. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * In a word, whatever path you may pursue within the whole circle of scientific and literary research, it will lead you, if under the constant guidance of moral and religious principles, to the possession of the chief good here on earth, and to “ that house above, not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." There are indeed no circumstances nor situations in which you can anticipate even the possibility of being placed, unless bereft of all consciousness or sanity of mind, that can exempt you from the obligation of making these principles the chart and compass as it were, by which you are to steer your earthly course. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * '''Education here is not a matter of mere books and courses. There is a nobler effort than the training of the intellect. The true aim of Hampden-Sydney is to reach the whole man, to send him forth more eager for life than just to make a living.''' Hampden-Sydney has never been congenial with mass production. The chief concern has always been with the individual. The stream that has gone forth from the institution has not been wide, but it has been deep. The true Hampden-Sydney man holds his own in any company. Such men, often unconsciously even as they smiled at "traditions," have, nevertheless, been powerfully influenced by these same traditions. When, as the years pass, this truth is borne upon them, they pay willing and glad homage to the institution responsible for such an effect in their lives. ** Edgar Graham Gammon, ''Kaleidoscope'' (1941), p. 21 * In view of the part played by Hampden-Sydney men in the past wars of the Nation, what they are doing in the present conflict causes no surprise. From the very beginning the call to arms was answered by our faculty, student body, and alumni. Today Hampden-Sydney men in nearly every branch of the service are with the fighting forces all over the world. Some have given their lives; others are wearing decorations for valor. All are doing their best. Each one is held in the high affection and admiration of his Alma Mater. ** Edgar Graham Gammon, H-SC Class of 1905, ''Kaleidoscope'' (1944), p. 7 * '''Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching.''' ** Edgar Graham Gammon in a writing in 1903, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 431 * Hampden-Sydney has from its beginning been more than an educational institution. It has been that to a high degree, but the school has been ever mindful of and engaged in that type of education which is called Christian. The noble work of so many of her sons in all lines of high endeavor bears eloquent tribute to the results of this type of education. As long as Christian faith remains, the function of such institutions as Hampden-Sydney is necessary. ** Edgar Graham Gammon in remarks in early 1945, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 684 * '''Vigorous efforts have been and are being made to instill into the young men the true meaning of liberty, the knowledge that rights without responsibilities are impossible... There is no greater need than fine citizens and no better way to produce them than to teach in our Christian colleges the vital relationship between privileges and duties, rights and responsibilities.''' ** Edgar Graham Gammon in remarks in February 1946, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 729 == H == * The experience of Hampden-Syney, the small private liberal arts college in rural Prince Edward County, was typical. With a small endowment, the College was not hurt badly by the stock market crash, bu the ensuing depression did hinder efforts to raise additional money. Professors' salaries were cut 10 percent for six years, but the shortage of funds did not force the departure of any faculty. No wage reductions were imposed on the buildings and grounds staff, who were recipients of the first checks every month. President Joseph Depuy Eggleston, former president of Virginia Polytechnic Institute, took a 20 percent reduction and frequently "walked the floor some nights looking for $50 to fill a need." Apparently he succeeded, because few boys left the College due to financial difficulty; Eggleston found them jobs cutting wood, caring for chickens, and maintaining the grounds. In similar fashion colleges across the state continued to operate. ** Ronald L. Heinemann, ''Depression and New Deal in Virginia: The Enduring Dominion'' (1983), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 35-36 == I == == K == * The number of Hampden-Sydney men who participated in the Spanish-American War is not known. In World War I Hampden-Sydney men enlisted in great numbers. The Memorial Gate bears the names of fourteen Alumni who made the supreme sacrifice. Under Federal Officers the S.A.T.C. was promptly organised at the College, and Army regulations prevailed as they do at present in World War II. According to an incomplete study made of Hampden-Sydney Alumni in World War II the most accurate estimate seems to indicate that thirty-three percent are now engaged in the several branches of the service. With deepest regret and sorrow the College has received the news of the death of eighteen of these valiant sons. Since its inauguration July 1, 1943, the Naval V-12 Program has given partial training to five hundred and fifteen enlisted men. Of these, eighty-two have gone on to Midshipman Schools; twenty-five to Medical Schools; forty-one to other V-12 units; sixty to various Units connected with the fleet; and two to Annapolis. At present the Naval Roster shows two hundred and forty-five aboard. Hampden-Sydney and all of her sons rightly share in the phrase, "well done." ** ''Kaleidoscope'' (1944), p. 67 * '''We’re not the biggest team in the world, but we’ve got guys that are tough. We’re going to give 100%.''' ** Craig Kimbrough, head basketball coach at H-SC since 2018, as quoted from an interview for [https://farmvilleherald.com/2025/01/hampden-sydney-remains-in-top-10-during-season-of-growth/"Hampden-Sydney remains in Top 10 during ‘season of growth’"], ''Farmville Herald'', 15 January 2025 == L == == M == == O == == P == * The last pet-in-dorm incident that I know about involves my own basset hound, who discovered in her youth that in weekends (and exactly how does a basset hound know about Saturday?) fraternity houses were fascinating places. Besides lots of people who would scratch your ears, there were lots of plastic cups on the floor containing a delicious liquid, and just big enough to get your nose down into. Inexplicably, this seemed funny to the people around.<br>Well, in the interests of economy and convenience, they started putting saucers of beer out for her. And she would make the rounds of the fraternity houses, of which at the time there were nine. By the end of the evening she was pretty well tanked, which had an unfortunate effect the next day; I can authoritatively sat you have never seen anything sad if you have never seen a basset hound with a hangover.<br>One snowy evening she wound up at the Akpha Chi Sigma house, where she was well known. These were good friends, and when the party broke up at 1:30 or so, she happily followed a group of three back to fourth-passage Cushing, where they lived on the fourth floor. They weren't paying too much attention until they got in a fourth-floor room and noticed continued wagging. It was too late and snowy to do anything about her, so they just hit the sack and turned out the lights. She curled up on the rug.<br>At about 5 in the morning she felt a strong need to go outside. A very strong need. She nuzzled a hand or two, but nobody was budging. So she began to bay, which somewhat resembles bagpipe music in being both eerie and very loud.<br>'''In no time, every resident of fourth passage was on the fourth floor, and a vigorious debate was occurring. I was told later that many wanted to throw her out the fourth-floor window immediately, while others wanted somebody (not them) to take her down to the front door. On Monday I was told that the vote for the front door had won 9-8.''' ** William W. Porterfield, ''Things That Might Have Happened at Hampden-Sydney (or anyway, with Hampden-Sydney people)'' (2016), p. 82-83 * Rucker earned a B.A. in Political Science and French from Hampden-Sydney College, a M.A. in History from Appalachian State University, and a M.A. in National Security and Planning from Command and General Staff College. As a passionate Hampden-Sydney alumnus, he dedicated nearly 20 years to his beloved Hampden-Sydney College, after retiring from the U.S. Army following 23 years of service, Rucker returned to his alma mater in 2004. He led the College's career center for many years before becoming the director of the Wilson Center for Leadership in the Public Interest. Most recently, he served as the associate dean for the College's ROTC program and as a lecturer in the Department of Government and Foreign Affairs, where he specialized in national security studies.<br>Rucker was a committed mentor to his students and an active member of both the campus and Farmville communities. Rucker was a respected elder at College Presbyterian Church in Hampden-Sydney, VA, where he served in several ministries. He held leadership positions with organizations such as the United Way of Prince Edward County, the Farmville Area Chamber of Commerce, and the Longwood Center for the Visual Arts. ** Puckett Funeral Home obituary on Lieutenant Colonel L. Rucker Snead III, H-SC Class of 1981, who taught and mentored students at Hampden-Sydney for 19 years[https://www.puckettfh.com/obituaries/lieutenant-colonel-lawrence-snead-iii] == Q == == R == * '''This is a great school, but to remain great it must continually study itself, and avoid like the plague a spirit of complacency.''' ** Joseph Clarke Robert, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 762 == S == * The town has at times extended its close, almost familial, patronage to the other institution of higher education anciently present in Southside: Hampden-Sydney College, lying six miles to the south. Although isolated from the town for part of its history by those six miles of muddy country road, by 1900 Hampden-Sydney had become partner to the mutually supportive relationship between Farmville and higher education. Reporting on a field day that took place on the Hampden-Sydney campus in May of 1903, a writer from Farmville's newspaper observed, "Farmville was there in full force... the teachers and students of the Normal being largely in evidence." Victors among the Hampden-Sydney students were crowned by students from the Normal "with better than laural wreaths": "sweet smiles of approval, hand clasps of delight." The reporter winds up his story with a rousing, "Long live the girls of the Normal and the boys of Hampden-Sydney!" And he- and the town of Farmville- meant it. ** Robin Sedgwick, ''Two Hundred Years in the Heart of Virginia: Perspectives on Longwood's History, 1798-1998'' (1998) by Robert F. Pace (editor), Farmville: Longwood College Foundation, first edition paperback, p. 2 * '''The story of higher education in Farmville thus begins not in the town itself but in the hamlet of Hampden-Sydney.''' It begins well before the single brick building that constituted the Farmville Female Seminary would open its doors for the first class of students in the year 1843. Some seventy years before this, when Prince Edward County was still frontier land, the Hanover Presbytery began planning for the establishment of an institution of higher learning somewhere east of the Blue Ridge- if a local congregation would provide financial support and a suitable donation of land might be seured. A new, young preacher, Samuel Stanhope Smith, recently graduated from the Presbyterian seminary at Princeton but sent south in hopes of alleviation of a respiratory condition, let it be known that he would be willing to undertake the direction of such an institution. Having received pledges of financial support from the congregations of upper Cumberland and Prince Edward along with offers of several possible sites in the locality, on February 1-3, 1775, the Presbytery called a special meeting at Slate Hill Plantation near Prince Edward Courthouse (now Worsham) to lay the groundwork for the new institution. ** Robin Sedgwick, ''Two Hundred Years in the Heart of Virginia: Perspectives on Longwood's History, 1798-1998'' (1998) by Robert F. Pace (editor), Farmville: Longwood College Foundation, first edition paperback, p. 2-3 * Thus a new college was inaugurated: church-initiated, but managed by an independent board made up largely of secular members of the local gentry class; church-sponsored, but relying for financial suppirt on pledges made locally just before the outbreak of revolution; nondenominational by pronouncement, but later colored in the minds of the members of the new legislature of Virginia as an arm of a church and therefore not eligible for state support; and intended- as Smith said in his first prospectus- "to form good men, and good Citizens" at a time when being a good citizen meant, to many prospective students, going off to fight for the Patriotic cause. It was a beginning, in other words, rife with potential trouble.<br>Yet the college got off to a good start. Quickly it linked itself to the Revolutionary cause. Historian of Hampden-Sydney John Brinkley contends that President John Witherspoon of Princeton probably gave the college its patriotic name. Though a recent immigrant from Scotland, Witherspoon was, in 1775, a member of the Second Continental Congress, which had just chartered a ship named for two activist Englishmen of the seventeenth century; these men were remembered in the name of patriotic organizations in several of the colonies. They were John Hampden, a Member of Parliament who challenged the king's right to levy certain new taxes and whose attemped arrest by [[Charles I of England|Charles I]] precipitated the [[English Civil War]]; and [[Algernon Sidney]] (or Sydney, the spelling eventually adopted by the college as late as the 1920s), who fought on the side of Parliament in the Civil War, was convicted of treason under [[Charles II of England|Charles II]] and was executed, and whose influential ''Discourses Concerning Government'' was required reading at Princeton. Smith returned from his Northern tour with three Princeton men, aged 15 through 26, engaged as faculty; a "Princeton woman," Ann Witherspoon, daughter of the president, as his wife; and "Hampden-Sidyney" as the name for the new college. ** Robin Sedgwick, ''Two Hundred Years in the Heart of Virginia: Perspectives on Longwood's History, 1798-1998'' (1998) by Robert F. Pace (editor) Farmville: Longwood College Foundation, first edition paperback, p. 3 * The Hampden-Sydney ideal of a gentleman reaches back to the 18th century and to the men of the early Republic who defined their lives by honor, service, public virtue, and personal self-restraint. This is what the College's Founders meant by "good men and good citizens." To form good men and good citizens is still today the mission of Hampden-Sydney College. However, '''you will not live in the insular world of Hampden-Sydney's Founders. Your world could not be more different from theirs. It is, however, Hampden-Sydney's belief that the characteristics of the 18th-century gentleman are as important today as two hundred years ago. It is your task to prove it.''' ** Thomas H. Shomo, H-SC Class of 1969, ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred: A Hip-pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man'', 9th edition (2016), p. 11 * Critics say that the book takes a very narrow world view, as if the world were circumscribed by the boundaries of the Hampden-Sydney campus. ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred'' was written for the students of Hampden-Sydney College; whatever other readership it has was unintended. This campus is a little world, and for our students it is their special place for four years. They know, however, that it will not be their world forever, and they are preparing themselves to be "good men and good citizens" as understood in the 18th century and in the 21st century. '''It is a treasured thing for a youth to have a special place in which to become a man- a beautiful place where honor is a virtue, civility a habit, and learning a goal.''' ** Thomas H. Shomo, H-SC Class of 1969, ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred: A Hip-pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man'', 9th edition (2016), p. 68 * When you leave the little world of Hampden-Sydney, you will still have much to learn of the diversity of the greater world, of the customs and manners of the many cultures you will encounter and interact with as you make your life and living in a global economy. I hope that your recognition of the value of the traditional social customs as they are practiced in our small community will make you keenly aware of the importance of the traditional social customs of other communities- whether ethnic neighborhoods or nations. I end this epilogue as I have ended others before. You are a Hampden-Sydney Gentleman, and as Cardinal Newman wrote, "It is almost the definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain." ** Thomas H. Shomo, H-SC Class of 1969, ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred: A Hip-pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man'', 9th edition (2016), p. 68-69 * '''It seems to me from what I have learned that here in these gentle surroundings have been discovered the true functions of a university and its task of sending out into the world not only men of high educational and cultural standards, but men also of vision, of courage, of honesty and decision.''' ** [[Percy Spender]], Australian Ambassador to the United States from 1951 to 1958, as quoted in the ''Kaleidoscope'' (1956), p. 4 == T == * When a [[English Civil War|civil war]] began in the 1640s between the [[Charles I of England|King]]'s forces and the Parliamentary forces, many English religious dissenters joined the anti-royalists. At this time, Virginia's royal governor, William Berkeley, reacted by arbitrarily condemning ''all Virginia dissenters'' as similar being seditious anti-royalists; some Tidewater dissenters were banished from Virginia at this time, while others simply moved farther up the James River to areas (in present-day Hanover County) north and west of its fall-line. Some of these "uprooted and transplanted" Piedmont dissenters became the ancestors of the Presbyterian congregation that would later be formed at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 20 * By the mid-1700s the Presbyterians in the middle colonies had grown so impatient with the scarcity of ordained ministers coming to North America from the English and Scottish universities, that they began to train and to verify ''their own'' ministers by means of several "home-grown" seminaries which critics derisively called "log colleges" (which were allegedly grossly inferior to the renowned universities of Great Britain). The most prominent of these log colleges was the one which eventually developed into the College of New Jersey, which- following several temporary locations- finally and permanently settled in the village of Princeton. It would be alumni from the "log college movement" who were the first preachers to respond to the pleas which had consistently come from ''"the remote Parts"'' of Virginia, and with their missionary labors during the 1750s they laid the foundations for the Hampden-Sydney college and church. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p 25 * Truthfully no one knows for certain how the conjoined names of John Hampden and Algernon Sydney came to be attached to this college and its village. For certain, both in 18th century England and in the North American colonies these two protesting patriots' names had come to be attached to disaffected colonial political groups. College historian John Brinkley suggested that the college name was perhaps given to Samuel Stanhope Smith by his patriot father-in-law, the Declaration signer, John Witherspoon, in the spring of 1776, but while this is a very logical guess, it is unsubstantiated in provable fact. We ''do'' know, however, that John Witherspoon was an ardent admirer of both men. Hampden had been mortally wounded on Chalgrove Field (near his home) just outside Oxford, England, on 14 June 1643, and he died nearly a week later on 18 June 1643. The political apologist Algernon Sydney had been beheaded at the Tower of London on 7 December 1683. By the time of the American Revolution there were some anti-royalist patriotic groups that were convening in several of the colonies under the name of being "Hampden-Sydney Societies." ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 printing, p. 45 * Keep learning, keep growing. Growing isn’t knowing everything in advance. Growing is stumbling. The day you stop making mistakes is the day you can be sure you’re no longer on the frontier. ** [[Neil deGrasse Tyson]], addressing the Class of 2023 during the commencement ceremony, as quoted in ''The Farmville Herald'', [https://farmvilleherald.com/2023/05/dont-be-afraid-to-stumble-tyson-tells-graduates/"Don’t be afraid to stumble, Tyson tells graduates"], 19 May 2023 == U == == V == == W == * '''Be good, do good, and you might just get to Hampden-Sydney someday.''' ** Advice given by various individuals to Samuel Vaughan Wilson while he was growing up in Rice, Virginia, on a farm twelve miles from Hampden-Sydney College. Known for his lengthy U.S. Army career as "General Sam," Wilson joined the Hampden-Sydney faculty in 1977 and served as the 22nd President of Hampden-Sydney College from 1992 to 2000. As quoted by Drew Prehmus, H-SC Class of 2008, in ''General Sam: A Biography of Lieutenant General Samuel Vaughan Wilson'' (2011), p. 235 * Well, as some of you already know, this is home for me. Hampden-Sydney College has been in my blood since I was a small boy. I am overwhelmed with delight to be here. And I have no particular message other than to note my primary conviction as far as the mission of this College is concerned. It is that '''the most important person walking the grassy knolls of this campus is the student. He is followed closely, almost lockstep, by the second most important person, the teacher. And the most important event transpiring on this campus is the colloquy between that student and teacher. All else is secondary and supporting.''' That's the direction in which I'm headed, folks, and I hope you'll be with me. ** Lieutenant General [[Samuel V. Wilson]], U.S. Army, Ret., first address as the 22nd President of Hampden-Sydney College on 29 July 1992. As quoted by Drew Prehmus, H-SC Class of 2008, in ''General Sam: A Biography of Lieutenant General Samuel Vaughan Wilson'' (2011), p. 234 == X == == Y == == Z == == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Hampden-Sydney College]] [[Category:Universities and colleges in Virginia]] d826ulfxmy78yawr0rwi4ptckq5mljf 3944336 3944269 2026-05-23T01:36:35Z AC9016 2870313 /* H */ 3944336 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Hampden-sydney logo from NCAA.svg|thumb|You will not live in the insular world of Hampden-Sydney's Founders. Your world could not be more different from theirs. It is, however, Hampden-Sydney's belief that the characteristics of the 18th-century gentleman are as important today as two hundred years ago. It is your task to prove it. ~ Thomas H. Shomo]] '''[[w:Hampden–Sydney College|Hampden–Sydney College]]''' (H-SC) is a men's liberal arts college in Hampden Sydney, [[Virginia]]. Founded in 1775, Hampden–Sydney is the oldest privately chartered college in the southern United States, the tenth-oldest college in the nation, the last college founded before the American Declaration of Independence, and one of only three four-year, all-male liberal arts colleges remaining in the United States. Hampden–Sydney College is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and the Virginia Landmarks Register. It is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church (USA). [[File:Kaleidoscope (1922) (14767089712).jpg|thumb|Be good, do good, and you might just get to Hampden-Sydney someday.]] [[File:College Church HSC.jpg|thumb|The noble work of so many of her sons in all lines of high endeavor bears eloquent tribute to the results of this type of education. As long as Christian faith remains, the function of such institutions as Hampden-Sydney is necessary. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]] [[File:Venable Hall HSC.JPG|thumb|This is a great school, but to remain great it must continually study itself, and avoid like the plague a spirit of complacency. ~ Joseph Clarke Robert]] [[File:Hs tigers claretgrey wmark.png|thumb|The duty of becoming and being a good man and a good citizen is never really finished.]] [[File:Christopher Newport University Captains Hampden-Sydney Tigers Men's Lacrosse (25378819541).jpg|thumb|We’re not the biggest team in the world, but we’ve got guys that are tough. We’re going to give 100%. ~ Caleb Kimbrough]] [[File:Cushing Hall at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia.JPG|thumb|The story of higher education in Farmville thus begins not in the town itself but in the hamlet of Hampden-Sydney. ~ Robin Sedgwick]] [[File:Watkins Bell Tower.JPG|thumb|It seems to me from what I have learned that here in these gentle surroundings have been discovered the true functions of a university and its task of sending out into the world not only men of high educational and cultural standards, but men also of vision, of courage, of honesty and decision. ~ [[Percy Spender]]]] [[File:Morton Hall Front Facade.jpg|thumb|It is a treasured thing for a youth to have a special place in which to become a man- a beautiful place where honor is a virtue, civility a habit, and learning a goal. ~ Thomas H. Shomo]] [[File:Kirk Athletic Center.jpg|thumb|Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]] [[File:The Birthplace HSC.JPG|thumb|"From [General Wilson's] office window you can see the Birthplace, the office of Slate Hill Plantation, where a bright young minister led some of his ancestors and their neighbors in founding a little college in the woods." ~ John Luster Brinkley]] [[File:Wilson Center.jpg|thumb|There is no greater need than fine citizens and no better way to produce them than to teach in our Christian colleges the vital relationship between privileges and duties, rights and responsibilities. ~ Edgar Graham Gammon]] [[File:Hampden–Sydney College, 1914.jpg|thumb|The most important person walking the grassy knolls of this campus is the student. He is followed closely, almost lockstep, by the second most important person, the teacher. And the most important event transpiring on this campus is the colloquy between that student and teacher. All else is secondary and supporting. ~ [[Samuel V. Wilson]]]] [[File:Bluebasset.jpeg|thumb|In no time, every resident of fourth passage was on the fourth floor, and a vigorious debate was occurring. I was told later that many wanted to throw her out the fourth-floor window immediately, while others wanted somebody (not them) to take her down to the front door. On Monday I was told that the vote for the front door had won 9-8. ~ William W. Porterfield]] [[File:Lake Chalgrove.jpg|thumb|Lake Chalgrove in fall 2013]] [[File:Hampsydney college wmark.png|thumb|Hampden–Sydney College logos]] __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == * One notably absent member of the College community was Lecturer in Government and Foreign Affairs Lt. Col. Rucker Snead ’81 (U.S. Army, Ret.) who passed away on May 3, 2023. Yet though he was physically absent, Col. Snead’s presence was felt throughout the ceremony, from the moment of remembrance at the start of the ceremony, to Andrew Rehak’s memories of Col. Snead’s pep talks as academic advisor to the swim team, to the U.S. Army commissioning ceremony of four new soldiers, whom he mentored as the ROTC advisor over the course of their four years in the program.<br>In a ceremony packed with full circle remembrances, the 2022-23 academic year came to a close right where it started. We were reminded that '''the duty of becoming and being a good man and a good citizen is never really finished.''' Though these young men have now moved on from the Hill, their contributions to the College will be eternal, as are the memories of their too-soon-departed brothers like Col. Snead. Such is the legacy of the sons of Hampden-Sydney. ** Anonymous, [https://www.hsc.edu/news-index/commencement-2023/"Class of 2023 Celebrates Commencement"], 16 May 2023 == B == * '''Brought into being by love of liberty, as Virginians say, Hampden-Sydney has for two centuries provided its graduates with the courage and the insight to be leaders.''' ** [[George H. W. Bush]], 43rd Vice President of the United States, speaking at the 209th commencement at H-SC on 4 May 1985[https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/22] * By ancestral interest and right, Hampden-Sydney was his College. He did not seek the position, but made himself available when he was approached about it; he was 69, and had been officially retired for fourteen years. He was willing to help, to serve, but not as a caretaker or ''Acting'' President; with the support of every constituency, the Board elected General Wilson President on 30 July 1992. '''From his office window you can see the Birthplace, the office of Slate Hill Plantation, where a bright young minister led some of his ancestors and their neighbors in founding a little college in the woods.''' ** John Luster Brinkley, H-SC Class of 1959[https://hscathletics.com/sports/2020/6/22/information-Hall-of-Fame-Hall-of-Fames-Classes-2007.aspx], ''On This Hill: A Narrative History of Hampden-Sydney College'' (1994), p. 846 * ...And that, in order to preserve in the minds of the students that sacred love and attachment which they should ever bear to the principles of the present glorious revolution, the greatest care and caution shall be used in electing such professors and masters, to the end that no person shall be so elected unless the uniform tenor of his conduct manifests to the world his sincere affection for the liberty and independence of the United States of America. ** Excerpt from Article III of the Charter of 28 June 1783, An Act for Incorporating the Trustees of Hampden-Sydney, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill: A Narrative History of Hampden-Sydney College'' (1994), p. 852 == C == * Now, I went to Hampden-Sydney College. Thank you, thank you. Please sit down. And I used to come up here for as much as I could because you had these things back then, I’m not sure what you call them now... girls. We did not have those at Hampden-Sydney. And when I could not find one of those here, I would head over to the White Spot to get a “Grills with” to fill the void in my heart. Literally my cardiologist recently found one lodged in there. ** [[Stephen Colbert]], addressing the [[University of Virginia]] undergraduate Class of 2013 during the class Valedictory Exercises on 18 May 2013[https://majorevents.virginia.edu/finals/archive/stephencolbert2013] == D == == E == == F == == G == * To you, gentlemen members of the Hampden Sidney Institute, I believe Virginia is indebted for the first example of a voluntary association on a large scale, to promote education—an example which I most earnestly hope will be zealously followed in every part of our widely extended territory, until the great, the vital object, which you so laudably aim to accomplish, shall be fully realized to the utmost extent of your wishes. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * If I have succeeded in my most anxious desire to impress upon your minds the thorough conviction that the principles of morality and religion, indissolubly united, must form the beginning, the middle and the end of all that deserves the name of education, your first, your constant and supreme effort will be to acquire them. Then indeed, you may pursue the usual course of your scholastic studies, not only without danger of mistaking the means for the end, but with incalculable advantages both present and prospective; for all will be made conducive to the great, the eternal purposes for which you were created. Your knowledge of foreign languages and histories will contribute to convince you that there have been and still are nations, kindred and people like yourselves,—with similar wants, passions and capabilities, deserving your sympathy, your regard, your brotherly love,—that national antipathies should have no place in a human bosom—that national wars, except for defence, are national crimes; and that man should consider man his brother, in whatever condition or on whatever spot of the habitable globe he may be found. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * Your mathematics will lead you to the conviction, strong and irresistible as the demonstrative principles and reasonings upon which the whole of this noble science depends, that nothing but a God of all perfect wisdom and love could have endowed you with faculties and powers capable of deriving not only the highest mental gratifications from such a source, but of applying the discoveries which produce these gratifications to an infinite series of the most beneficial purposes. Your chemistry will aid in teaching you that none but a Being infinitely wise and of boundless power and goodness, could possibly have contrived and arranged such a vast multitude of substances, in all their endless variety of combinations and affinities, such an immense world of multiform matter—all as it would seem conducive in some way or other to human comfort, gratification, or high enjoyment.<br>Your philosophy and metaphysics, will draw you irresistibly to a great first cause—the supreme, beneficent, ever bounteous Author of all the objects of our senses, of all the powers and conceptions of our understandings; and will indelibly stamp upon your hearts the sentiments of adoration, love and obedience, as the only proper tribute you could pay to a Being, who, so far as we can comprehend his works, hath made them all subservient, either directly or indirectly, to our own happiness, both in time and eternity. These sciences will bring home to your bosoms and business the vital truth that you have minds of vast powers of comprehension—faculties capable of undefinable expansion; and souls of such godlike energies, aspirations and capacities of enjoyment, as nothing less than a God of all power, wisdom and love, could either have created or bestowed. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * In a word, whatever path you may pursue within the whole circle of scientific and literary research, it will lead you, if under the constant guidance of moral and religious principles, to the possession of the chief good here on earth, and to “ that house above, not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." There are indeed no circumstances nor situations in which you can anticipate even the possibility of being placed, unless bereft of all consciousness or sanity of mind, that can exempt you from the obligation of making these principles the chart and compass as it were, by which you are to steer your earthly course. ** James M. Garnett, [https://dams.hsc.edu/items/show/48645/"An Address on the Subject of Literary Assocations to Promote Education, Delivered Before the Institute of Education at Hampden-Sidney College"] (1835), Richmond: printed by Thomas W. White * '''Education here is not a matter of mere books and courses. There is a nobler effort than the training of the intellect. The true aim of Hampden-Sydney is to reach the whole man, to send him forth more eager for life than just to make a living.''' Hampden-Sydney has never been congenial with mass production. The chief concern has always been with the individual. The stream that has gone forth from the institution has not been wide, but it has been deep. The true Hampden-Sydney man holds his own in any company. Such men, often unconsciously even as they smiled at "traditions," have, nevertheless, been powerfully influenced by these same traditions. When, as the years pass, this truth is borne upon them, they pay willing and glad homage to the institution responsible for such an effect in their lives. ** Edgar Graham Gammon, ''Kaleidoscope'' (1941), p. 21 * In view of the part played by Hampden-Sydney men in the past wars of the Nation, what they are doing in the present conflict causes no surprise. From the very beginning the call to arms was answered by our faculty, student body, and alumni. Today Hampden-Sydney men in nearly every branch of the service are with the fighting forces all over the world. Some have given their lives; others are wearing decorations for valor. All are doing their best. Each one is held in the high affection and admiration of his Alma Mater. ** Edgar Graham Gammon, H-SC Class of 1905, ''Kaleidoscope'' (1944), p. 7 * '''Boys always play better when they know the girls are watching.''' ** Edgar Graham Gammon in a writing in 1903, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 431 * Hampden-Sydney has from its beginning been more than an educational institution. It has been that to a high degree, but the school has been ever mindful of and engaged in that type of education which is called Christian. The noble work of so many of her sons in all lines of high endeavor bears eloquent tribute to the results of this type of education. As long as Christian faith remains, the function of such institutions as Hampden-Sydney is necessary. ** Edgar Graham Gammon in remarks in early 1945, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 684 * '''Vigorous efforts have been and are being made to instill into the young men the true meaning of liberty, the knowledge that rights without responsibilities are impossible... There is no greater need than fine citizens and no better way to produce them than to teach in our Christian colleges the vital relationship between privileges and duties, rights and responsibilities.''' ** Edgar Graham Gammon in remarks in February 1946, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 729 == H == * The experience of Hampden-Syney, the small private liberal arts college in rural Prince Edward County, was typical. With a small endowment, the College was not hurt badly by the stock market crash, but the ensuing depression did hinder efforts to raise additional money. Professors' salaries were cut 10 percent for six years, but the shortage of funds did not force the departure of any faculty. No wage reductions were imposed on the buildings and grounds staff, who were recipients of the first checks every month. President Joseph Depuy Eggleston, former president of Virginia Polytechnic Institute, took a 20 percent reduction and frequently "walked the floor some nights looking for $50 to fill a need." Apparently he succeeded, because few boys left the College due to financial difficulty; Eggleston found them jobs cutting wood, caring for chickens, and maintaining the grounds. In similar fashion colleges across the state continued to operate. ** Ronald L. Heinemann, ''Depression and New Deal in Virginia: The Enduring Dominion'' (1983), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 35-36 == I == == K == * The number of Hampden-Sydney men who participated in the Spanish-American War is not known. In World War I Hampden-Sydney men enlisted in great numbers. The Memorial Gate bears the names of fourteen Alumni who made the supreme sacrifice. Under Federal Officers the S.A.T.C. was promptly organised at the College, and Army regulations prevailed as they do at present in World War II. According to an incomplete study made of Hampden-Sydney Alumni in World War II the most accurate estimate seems to indicate that thirty-three percent are now engaged in the several branches of the service. With deepest regret and sorrow the College has received the news of the death of eighteen of these valiant sons. Since its inauguration July 1, 1943, the Naval V-12 Program has given partial training to five hundred and fifteen enlisted men. Of these, eighty-two have gone on to Midshipman Schools; twenty-five to Medical Schools; forty-one to other V-12 units; sixty to various Units connected with the fleet; and two to Annapolis. At present the Naval Roster shows two hundred and forty-five aboard. Hampden-Sydney and all of her sons rightly share in the phrase, "well done." ** ''Kaleidoscope'' (1944), p. 67 * '''We’re not the biggest team in the world, but we’ve got guys that are tough. We’re going to give 100%.''' ** Craig Kimbrough, head basketball coach at H-SC since 2018, as quoted from an interview for [https://farmvilleherald.com/2025/01/hampden-sydney-remains-in-top-10-during-season-of-growth/"Hampden-Sydney remains in Top 10 during ‘season of growth’"], ''Farmville Herald'', 15 January 2025 == L == == M == == O == == P == * The last pet-in-dorm incident that I know about involves my own basset hound, who discovered in her youth that in weekends (and exactly how does a basset hound know about Saturday?) fraternity houses were fascinating places. Besides lots of people who would scratch your ears, there were lots of plastic cups on the floor containing a delicious liquid, and just big enough to get your nose down into. Inexplicably, this seemed funny to the people around.<br>Well, in the interests of economy and convenience, they started putting saucers of beer out for her. And she would make the rounds of the fraternity houses, of which at the time there were nine. By the end of the evening she was pretty well tanked, which had an unfortunate effect the next day; I can authoritatively sat you have never seen anything sad if you have never seen a basset hound with a hangover.<br>One snowy evening she wound up at the Akpha Chi Sigma house, where she was well known. These were good friends, and when the party broke up at 1:30 or so, she happily followed a group of three back to fourth-passage Cushing, where they lived on the fourth floor. They weren't paying too much attention until they got in a fourth-floor room and noticed continued wagging. It was too late and snowy to do anything about her, so they just hit the sack and turned out the lights. She curled up on the rug.<br>At about 5 in the morning she felt a strong need to go outside. A very strong need. She nuzzled a hand or two, but nobody was budging. So she began to bay, which somewhat resembles bagpipe music in being both eerie and very loud.<br>'''In no time, every resident of fourth passage was on the fourth floor, and a vigorious debate was occurring. I was told later that many wanted to throw her out the fourth-floor window immediately, while others wanted somebody (not them) to take her down to the front door. On Monday I was told that the vote for the front door had won 9-8.''' ** William W. Porterfield, ''Things That Might Have Happened at Hampden-Sydney (or anyway, with Hampden-Sydney people)'' (2016), p. 82-83 * Rucker earned a B.A. in Political Science and French from Hampden-Sydney College, a M.A. in History from Appalachian State University, and a M.A. in National Security and Planning from Command and General Staff College. As a passionate Hampden-Sydney alumnus, he dedicated nearly 20 years to his beloved Hampden-Sydney College, after retiring from the U.S. Army following 23 years of service, Rucker returned to his alma mater in 2004. He led the College's career center for many years before becoming the director of the Wilson Center for Leadership in the Public Interest. Most recently, he served as the associate dean for the College's ROTC program and as a lecturer in the Department of Government and Foreign Affairs, where he specialized in national security studies.<br>Rucker was a committed mentor to his students and an active member of both the campus and Farmville communities. Rucker was a respected elder at College Presbyterian Church in Hampden-Sydney, VA, where he served in several ministries. He held leadership positions with organizations such as the United Way of Prince Edward County, the Farmville Area Chamber of Commerce, and the Longwood Center for the Visual Arts. ** Puckett Funeral Home obituary on Lieutenant Colonel L. Rucker Snead III, H-SC Class of 1981, who taught and mentored students at Hampden-Sydney for 19 years[https://www.puckettfh.com/obituaries/lieutenant-colonel-lawrence-snead-iii] == Q == == R == * '''This is a great school, but to remain great it must continually study itself, and avoid like the plague a spirit of complacency.''' ** Joseph Clarke Robert, as quoted by John Luster Brinkley in ''On This Hill'' (1994), p. 762 == S == * The town has at times extended its close, almost familial, patronage to the other institution of higher education anciently present in Southside: Hampden-Sydney College, lying six miles to the south. Although isolated from the town for part of its history by those six miles of muddy country road, by 1900 Hampden-Sydney had become partner to the mutually supportive relationship between Farmville and higher education. Reporting on a field day that took place on the Hampden-Sydney campus in May of 1903, a writer from Farmville's newspaper observed, "Farmville was there in full force... the teachers and students of the Normal being largely in evidence." Victors among the Hampden-Sydney students were crowned by students from the Normal "with better than laural wreaths": "sweet smiles of approval, hand clasps of delight." The reporter winds up his story with a rousing, "Long live the girls of the Normal and the boys of Hampden-Sydney!" And he- and the town of Farmville- meant it. ** Robin Sedgwick, ''Two Hundred Years in the Heart of Virginia: Perspectives on Longwood's History, 1798-1998'' (1998) by Robert F. Pace (editor), Farmville: Longwood College Foundation, first edition paperback, p. 2 * '''The story of higher education in Farmville thus begins not in the town itself but in the hamlet of Hampden-Sydney.''' It begins well before the single brick building that constituted the Farmville Female Seminary would open its doors for the first class of students in the year 1843. Some seventy years before this, when Prince Edward County was still frontier land, the Hanover Presbytery began planning for the establishment of an institution of higher learning somewhere east of the Blue Ridge- if a local congregation would provide financial support and a suitable donation of land might be seured. A new, young preacher, Samuel Stanhope Smith, recently graduated from the Presbyterian seminary at Princeton but sent south in hopes of alleviation of a respiratory condition, let it be known that he would be willing to undertake the direction of such an institution. Having received pledges of financial support from the congregations of upper Cumberland and Prince Edward along with offers of several possible sites in the locality, on February 1-3, 1775, the Presbytery called a special meeting at Slate Hill Plantation near Prince Edward Courthouse (now Worsham) to lay the groundwork for the new institution. ** Robin Sedgwick, ''Two Hundred Years in the Heart of Virginia: Perspectives on Longwood's History, 1798-1998'' (1998) by Robert F. Pace (editor), Farmville: Longwood College Foundation, first edition paperback, p. 2-3 * Thus a new college was inaugurated: church-initiated, but managed by an independent board made up largely of secular members of the local gentry class; church-sponsored, but relying for financial suppirt on pledges made locally just before the outbreak of revolution; nondenominational by pronouncement, but later colored in the minds of the members of the new legislature of Virginia as an arm of a church and therefore not eligible for state support; and intended- as Smith said in his first prospectus- "to form good men, and good Citizens" at a time when being a good citizen meant, to many prospective students, going off to fight for the Patriotic cause. It was a beginning, in other words, rife with potential trouble.<br>Yet the college got off to a good start. Quickly it linked itself to the Revolutionary cause. Historian of Hampden-Sydney John Brinkley contends that President John Witherspoon of Princeton probably gave the college its patriotic name. Though a recent immigrant from Scotland, Witherspoon was, in 1775, a member of the Second Continental Congress, which had just chartered a ship named for two activist Englishmen of the seventeenth century; these men were remembered in the name of patriotic organizations in several of the colonies. They were John Hampden, a Member of Parliament who challenged the king's right to levy certain new taxes and whose attemped arrest by [[Charles I of England|Charles I]] precipitated the [[English Civil War]]; and [[Algernon Sidney]] (or Sydney, the spelling eventually adopted by the college as late as the 1920s), who fought on the side of Parliament in the Civil War, was convicted of treason under [[Charles II of England|Charles II]] and was executed, and whose influential ''Discourses Concerning Government'' was required reading at Princeton. Smith returned from his Northern tour with three Princeton men, aged 15 through 26, engaged as faculty; a "Princeton woman," Ann Witherspoon, daughter of the president, as his wife; and "Hampden-Sidyney" as the name for the new college. ** Robin Sedgwick, ''Two Hundred Years in the Heart of Virginia: Perspectives on Longwood's History, 1798-1998'' (1998) by Robert F. Pace (editor) Farmville: Longwood College Foundation, first edition paperback, p. 3 * The Hampden-Sydney ideal of a gentleman reaches back to the 18th century and to the men of the early Republic who defined their lives by honor, service, public virtue, and personal self-restraint. This is what the College's Founders meant by "good men and good citizens." To form good men and good citizens is still today the mission of Hampden-Sydney College. However, '''you will not live in the insular world of Hampden-Sydney's Founders. Your world could not be more different from theirs. It is, however, Hampden-Sydney's belief that the characteristics of the 18th-century gentleman are as important today as two hundred years ago. It is your task to prove it.''' ** Thomas H. Shomo, H-SC Class of 1969, ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred: A Hip-pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man'', 9th edition (2016), p. 11 * Critics say that the book takes a very narrow world view, as if the world were circumscribed by the boundaries of the Hampden-Sydney campus. ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred'' was written for the students of Hampden-Sydney College; whatever other readership it has was unintended. This campus is a little world, and for our students it is their special place for four years. They know, however, that it will not be their world forever, and they are preparing themselves to be "good men and good citizens" as understood in the 18th century and in the 21st century. '''It is a treasured thing for a youth to have a special place in which to become a man- a beautiful place where honor is a virtue, civility a habit, and learning a goal.''' ** Thomas H. Shomo, H-SC Class of 1969, ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred: A Hip-pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man'', 9th edition (2016), p. 68 * When you leave the little world of Hampden-Sydney, you will still have much to learn of the diversity of the greater world, of the customs and manners of the many cultures you will encounter and interact with as you make your life and living in a global economy. I hope that your recognition of the value of the traditional social customs as they are practiced in our small community will make you keenly aware of the importance of the traditional social customs of other communities- whether ethnic neighborhoods or nations. I end this epilogue as I have ended others before. You are a Hampden-Sydney Gentleman, and as Cardinal Newman wrote, "It is almost the definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain." ** Thomas H. Shomo, H-SC Class of 1969, ''To Manner Born, To Manners Bred: A Hip-pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man'', 9th edition (2016), p. 68-69 * '''It seems to me from what I have learned that here in these gentle surroundings have been discovered the true functions of a university and its task of sending out into the world not only men of high educational and cultural standards, but men also of vision, of courage, of honesty and decision.''' ** [[Percy Spender]], Australian Ambassador to the United States from 1951 to 1958, as quoted in the ''Kaleidoscope'' (1956), p. 4 == T == * When a [[English Civil War|civil war]] began in the 1640s between the [[Charles I of England|King]]'s forces and the Parliamentary forces, many English religious dissenters joined the anti-royalists. At this time, Virginia's royal governor, William Berkeley, reacted by arbitrarily condemning ''all Virginia dissenters'' as similar being seditious anti-royalists; some Tidewater dissenters were banished from Virginia at this time, while others simply moved farther up the James River to areas (in present-day Hanover County) north and west of its fall-line. Some of these "uprooted and transplanted" Piedmont dissenters became the ancestors of the Presbyterian congregation that would later be formed at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p. 20 * By the mid-1700s the Presbyterians in the middle colonies had grown so impatient with the scarcity of ordained ministers coming to North America from the English and Scottish universities, that they began to train and to verify ''their own'' ministers by means of several "home-grown" seminaries which critics derisively called "log colleges" (which were allegedly grossly inferior to the renowned universities of Great Britain). The most prominent of these log colleges was the one which eventually developed into the College of New Jersey, which- following several temporary locations- finally and permanently settled in the village of Princeton. It would be alumni from the "log college movement" who were the first preachers to respond to the pleas which had consistently come from ''"the remote Parts"'' of Virginia, and with their missionary labors during the 1750s they laid the foundations for the Hampden-Sydney college and church. ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 edition, p 25 * Truthfully no one knows for certain how the conjoined names of John Hampden and Algernon Sydney came to be attached to this college and its village. For certain, both in 18th century England and in the North American colonies these two protesting patriots' names had come to be attached to disaffected colonial political groups. College historian John Brinkley suggested that the college name was perhaps given to Samuel Stanhope Smith by his patriot father-in-law, the Declaration signer, John Witherspoon, in the spring of 1776, but while this is a very logical guess, it is unsubstantiated in provable fact. We ''do'' know, however, that John Witherspoon was an ardent admirer of both men. Hampden had been mortally wounded on Chalgrove Field (near his home) just outside Oxford, England, on 14 June 1643, and he died nearly a week later on 18 June 1643. The political apologist Algernon Sydney had been beheaded at the Tower of London on 7 December 1683. By the time of the American Revolution there were some anti-royalist patriotic groups that were convening in several of the colonies under the name of being "Hampden-Sydney Societies." ** William E. Thompson, ''Her Walls Before Thee Stand: The 235-Year History of the Presbyterian Congregation at Hampden-Sydney, Virginia'' (2010), revised 2011 printing, p. 45 * Keep learning, keep growing. Growing isn’t knowing everything in advance. Growing is stumbling. The day you stop making mistakes is the day you can be sure you’re no longer on the frontier. ** [[Neil deGrasse Tyson]], addressing the Class of 2023 during the commencement ceremony, as quoted in ''The Farmville Herald'', [https://farmvilleherald.com/2023/05/dont-be-afraid-to-stumble-tyson-tells-graduates/"Don’t be afraid to stumble, Tyson tells graduates"], 19 May 2023 == U == == V == == W == * '''Be good, do good, and you might just get to Hampden-Sydney someday.''' ** Advice given by various individuals to Samuel Vaughan Wilson while he was growing up in Rice, Virginia, on a farm twelve miles from Hampden-Sydney College. Known for his lengthy U.S. Army career as "General Sam," Wilson joined the Hampden-Sydney faculty in 1977 and served as the 22nd President of Hampden-Sydney College from 1992 to 2000. As quoted by Drew Prehmus, H-SC Class of 2008, in ''General Sam: A Biography of Lieutenant General Samuel Vaughan Wilson'' (2011), p. 235 * Well, as some of you already know, this is home for me. Hampden-Sydney College has been in my blood since I was a small boy. I am overwhelmed with delight to be here. And I have no particular message other than to note my primary conviction as far as the mission of this College is concerned. It is that '''the most important person walking the grassy knolls of this campus is the student. He is followed closely, almost lockstep, by the second most important person, the teacher. And the most important event transpiring on this campus is the colloquy between that student and teacher. All else is secondary and supporting.''' That's the direction in which I'm headed, folks, and I hope you'll be with me. ** Lieutenant General [[Samuel V. Wilson]], U.S. Army, Ret., first address as the 22nd President of Hampden-Sydney College on 29 July 1992. As quoted by Drew Prehmus, H-SC Class of 2008, in ''General Sam: A Biography of Lieutenant General Samuel Vaughan Wilson'' (2011), p. 234 == X == == Y == == Z == == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Hampden-Sydney College]] [[Category:Universities and colleges in Virginia]] 2monq2kqnv8f8x4pe531d4vda4y657v 0 222133 3944236 3943728 2026-05-22T17:36:26Z ~2026-19358-24 3306038 /* Dialogue */ 3944236 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Frozen 2 Logo.png|thumb|Find your strength. Face your fears. Dont lie to yourself;]] '''''[[w:Frozen II|Frozen II]]''''', also known as '''''Frozen 2''''', is a [[w:2019 in film|2019]] American 3D computer animated musical fantasy film in which Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, Olaf and Sven leave Arendelle to travel to an ancient, autumn-bound forest of an enchanted land. They set out to find the origin of Elsa's powers in order to save their kingdom. It is the second installment of the ''[[w:Frozen (franchise)|Frozen]]'' film series and the sequel to ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]''. :''Directed by [[Chris Buck]] and [[Jennifer Lee (filmmaker)|Jennifer Lee]]. Written by Jennifer Lee.'' == [[w:Anna (Disney)|Anna]] == * Excuse me, I climbed the North Mountain, survived a frozen heart, and saved you from my ex-boyfriend, and I did it all without powers. So, you know, I’m coming. * Or What If They Can Crush You Before You Even Get The Chance? Remember, The Goal Is To Find The Voice, Find The Truth And Get Us Home. * ''[crying]'' Olaf? Elsa? What do I do? == [[w:Elsa (Disney)|Elsa]] == * ''[to the citizens of Arendelle]'' Evacuate to the cliffs! * This is my fault, they were looking for answers about me. * That is not what magic does. That's just your fear. Fear is what can't be trusted. * What If I Can Settle Them Like I Did The Wind And Fire? * ''[notices her grandfather getting ready to kill his soldier with his sword]'' No! ''[desperately sends Anna a message before freezing into solid ice]'' Anna! == [[w:Olaf (Disney)|Olaf]] == * Um, Anna? Elsa? Sven? Samantha? ''[starts laughing]'' I don't even know a Samantha! ''[dives into a pile of leaves while still laughing, the wind suddenly picks the leaf pile up and spins him around briefly before he settles down]'' Hmm. ''[starts to walk away, then the leaf pile lands on him]'' That's normal. ''[walks away and trips on a rock that purple lands before his feet, then gets lifted by a gush of steam from the ground. He looks around cautiously and spots the leaves blowing around the trees. He slowly walks away, and turns around hearing the leaves again]'' What was that? ''[a hole opens in the ground in front of him]'' Ah! ''[peeks into it]'' Samantha? * Um, I-I Think So, Elsa Pushed Me Away Too And Didn't Even Say Goodbye! * ''['''Anna:''' And You Have Every Right To Be Very Very Mad At Her].'' * And You Said Some Things Never Change But Since Then, Everything's Done Nothing But Change! == Dialogue == :''[He begins reenacting everything that happened the first film]'' :'''Olaf:''' It began with two sisters. One born with magical powers and one born powerless. Their love of Snowman: infinite. Anna, no too high! Blast! Oh! Mama, Papa, help! Slam! Doors shutting everywhere, sisters torn apart. Well, at least they still have their parents. Their parents are dead. Ah, Oh, hi, I'm Anna. I'll marry a man I just met. Elsa's gonna blow! Snow, snow! Aah, run! Magic pulses through my snowflakes. (gasp) I live. Ice palace for one, ice palace for one. Get out, Anna! Pew pew. My heart. :'''Mattias:''' Oh my goodness. :'''Olaf:''' ''[acting like Grand Pabbie]'' Only an act of true love can save you. Here's a true love's kiss. You're not worth it. Guess what? I'm the bad guy! :'''Mattias:''' What?! :'''Olaf:''' And Anna freezes to death... forever. :'''Mattias:''' ''[voice breaks]'' Oh, Anna. :'''Olaf:''' Then she unfreezes. Oh, and then Elsa woke up the magical spirits and we were forced out of our kingdom and now our only hope is to find the truth about the past, but we don't have a clue how to do that and Elsa's hearing voices, so we got that going for us. Any questions? I think they got it. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mattias''': ''[after Olaf explains everything; to Elsa]'' Are you really queen of Arendelle? :'''Elsa''': I am! :'''Yelena''': Why would nature reward a person of Arendelle with magic? :'''Mattias''': Perhaps to make up for the actions of your people. :'''Yelena''': My people are innocent. We would've never attacked first. :'''Mattias:''' May the truth be found. [notices Anna next to him] Hi. I'm sor- What's happening? :'''Anna''': That's it! Lieutenant Mattias! Library, second portrait on the left. You were our father's official guard! :'''Mattias:''' Agnarr. What did happen to your parents? :'''Anna:''' Our parents' ship went down in the Southern Sea 5 years ago. :'''Mattias:''' I see him, I see him in your faces. :'''Anna:''' Really? :'''Mattias:''' [to his knights] Soldiers! We may be getting on in years, but we're still strong. And proud to serve Arendelle. <hr width='50%'> :'''Elsa:''' You can't just follow me into fire! :'''Anna:''' You don't want me following you into fire, then don't run into fire! <hr width='50%'> :'''Anna''': Hey, Olaf, um, maybe just one of you should do it? :'''Olaf''': I agree. She's a little pitchy. :''[chittering, Anna grunts]'' :'''Olaf''': Hey, Gale's back. :''[chitters around Elsa then moves left up a hill which chitters a familiar flag which draws their attention to the girls and Olaf.]'' :'''Elsa''': What? :''[Elsa runs up to get a closer look and see that it's their parents' ship right next to the shore, then gasps with Anna.]'' :'''Anna''': How can it be? :'''Olaf''': What is it? :'''Anna''': Mother and Father's ship. :'''Olaf''': But this isn't the southern sea. :'''Elsa''': No, it isn't. :''[The girls hurry towards the ship and enter through a gaped hole in one side of the hub, then look around at the decapitated interior with Olaf following them.]'' :'''Elsa''': Why is their ship here? How is it here? :'''Anna''': It must've been washed in from the Dark Sea. :'''Elsa''': What were they doing in the Dark Sea? :'''Anna''': I don't know. :'''Olaf''': How did the ship get through the mist? I thought nobody could but us. Unless nobody was on it. :'''Anna''': There's gotta be something here. Wait. Wait. Look around. Every Norwegian ship has a compartment, waterproof. :'''Olaf''': That's very clever. Although it does make me wonder why they didn't just make the whole ship waterproof. :''[Anna and Elsa look around in cupboards, draws and compartments. Anna finds the waterproof compartment which has a scroll container. She opens it and lays it out which she unfolds.] :'''Anna''': What language is this? :'''Elsa''': I don't know. But look, this is Mom's hand-writing. :'''Anna''': ''[reading the sentence their Mom wrote down]'' The end of the ice age. The river found but lost. Magic source. Elsa's source? ''[gasps softly]'' It's a map. They Traveled north and planned to cross the Dark Sea to... :'''Elsa''': ''[finishing Anna's sentence]'' Ahtohallan. :'''Anna''': It's real. :'''Olaf''': Octa-who-what? :'''Anna''': Ahtohallan. It's a magical place said to hold all the answers about the past. :'''Olaf''': Re-inforcing my water has memory theory. Mm. :'''Elsa''': Water has memory. :''[Elsa then places her hands onto the floorboards, which rises the water droplets from the floorboards and the walls]'' :'''Anna''': ''[to Elsa]'' Elsa? :'''Elsa''': I want to know what happened to them. :''[the water droplets begin to make a statue of Agnarr and Iduna showing what happened]'' :'''Iduna''': Ahtohallan has to be the source of her magic. :'''Agnarr''': We keep going for Elsa. :'''Iduna''': The waves are too high! :'''Agnarr''': ''IDUNA!'' :'''Iduna''': ''AGNARR!'' :''[once the stature of Agnarr and Iduna embracing eachother in distress, Elsa becomes emotional and sobs as she flees devastated it was her fault]'' :'''Anna''': Elsa! <hr width='50%'> :'''Olaf''': The bright side, um. Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I see the way out. :'''Anna''': I knew I can count on you. Come on, Olaf, Elsa's probably on her way back right now. We can meet her and... Olaf. :'''Olaf''': What's this? :'''Anna''': Are you okay? :'''Olaf''': I'm flurrying? Wait, no. That's...that's not it. I'm flurrying away. The magic in me is fading. :'''Anna''': ''[gasps]'' What? :'''Olaf''': I don't think Elsa's okay. ''[Anna gasps]'' I think...she may have gone too far. :'''Anna''': No, no. :'''Olaf''': Anna, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to do this next part on your own. Okay? :''' Anna''': Wait. Come here. ''[tearfully]'' I've got you. :'''Olaf''': ''[weakly]'' That's good. Hey, Anna? I just thought of one thing that's permanent. :'''Anna''': What's that? :'''Olaf''': Love. :'''Anna''': Warm hugs? :'''Olaf''': I like warm hugs. :'''Anna''': ''[crying]'' I love you. <hr width='50%'> :''[Anna enters the sleeping earth giants and takes a breath]'' :'''Anna:''' ''[furiously]'' Wake, up! <big><big><big>'''''WAKE UUUUUUUUUUUPPP!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> :''[The earth giants get up and Anna watches them]'' :'''Anna:''' That's it! Come and get me! Come on! <big><big>'''''OVER HERE, WARGH! THAT'S RIGHT, KEEP COMING! KEEP COMING!!!'''''</big></big> :''[Anna sees the path]'' :'''Anna''': That'll work. '''<big><big>This way, guys!</big></big>''' :[Mattias and his guards watch Anna following the earth giants] :'''Mattias''': What? No, no, no, no. She's leading them to the dam! :''[Anna runs and the earth giants bumped into her and screams, suddenly Kristoff picks Anna up]'' :'''Anna''': Kristoff! :'''Kristoff''': I'm here. What do you need? :'''Anna''': To get to the dam. :'''Kristoff''': You got it. <hr width='50%'> :'''Anna''': Lieutenant Mattias. :'''Mattias''': Your highness! What are you doing here? :'''Anna''': The dam must fall. It only way to break the mist and free the forest. :'''Mattias''': But we've sworn to protect Arendelle at all costs! :'''Anna''': Arendelle has no future until we make this right! King Reuneard betrayed everyone. :'''Mattias''': How do you know that? :'''Anna''': My sister gave her life for the truth. Please. <hr width='50%'> :''[Anna running at the dam and takes a another breath]'' :'''Anna''': ''[furiously]'' <big><big><big>'''DESTROY THE DAM!!! COME ON!!! THROW YOUR BOULDERS!!!'''</big></big></big> :[The earth giants throw the boulders and destroys the dam] :'''Anna''': That's it! :''[Anna runs and the dam collapse, Anna jumps and suddenly Mattias grabbed Anna's hand from falling]'' :'''Mattias''': I got her! :'''Kristoff''': Anna! <hr width='50%'> :'''Anna''': Is it really you? :'''Elsa''': Anna. :''[Anna cries and runs to Elsa and hugs her] :'''Anna''': I thought I lost you! :'''Elsa''': Lost me? You saved me again. :'''Anna''': ''[sniffs]'' I did?! :'''Elsa''': And, Anna, Arendelle did not fall. :'''Anna''': It didn't?! :'''Elsa''': The spirits all agreed. Arendelle deserves to stand with you. :'''Anna''': Me? :'''Elsa''': You did what was right for everyone. :'''Anna''': Did you find the fifth spirit? You are the fifth spirit. You're the bridge. :'''Elsa''': Well, actually, a bridge has two sides. And mother had two daughters. We did this together. And we'll continue to do this together. :'''Anna''': Together. <hr width='50%'> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Olaf''': Ahhhheeeooo...! Show Yourself! Right now! Elsa, be who you are. Oh, I will, mama, I will. Elsa's dead. Olaf's dead. Anna cries. And then a bunch of important things to happen that I forgot, but all that matters is I was right and water has memory and thus… Ah! I live. And so do you. :'''Marshmallow''': Whoa. We live! We live! Ahh...oho! Good story, whoo. Ha-ha! == Cast == * [[Kristen Bell]] – Anna ** Livvee Stubenrauch {{small|(archive sound)}} and Hadlee Gannaway (5 years old) * [[w:Idina Menzel|Idina Menzel]] – Elsa ** Spencer Lee Ganus {{small|(archive sound)}} and Mattea Conforti (7 years old) * [[w:Josh Gad|Josh Gad]] – Olaf * [[w:Jonathan Groff|Jonathan Groff]] – Kristoff * [[w:Sterling K. Brown|Sterling K. Brown]] – Lieutenant Mattias * [[w:Martha Plimpton|Martha Plimpton]] – Yelena * [[w:Evan Rachel Wood|Evan Rachel Wood]] – Queen Iduna of Arendelle ** Delanee Rose Stein (young) *** [[w:Aurora (singer)|Aurora]] – The Voice * [[w:Maurice LaMarche|Maurice LaMarche]] – King Agnarr of Arendelle ** Jackson Stein (young) * [[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Ryder * [[w:Rachel Matthews|Rachel Matthews]] – Honeymaren * [[w:Jeremy Sisto|Jeremy Sisto]] – King Runeard * [[w:Ciarán Hinds|Ciarán Hinds]] – Pabbie the Troll King * [[w:Alan Tudyk|Alan Tudyk]] – The Duke of Weselton {{small|(archive sound)}}, a guard, a Norwegian Soldier, and a Northuldra Leader * [[w:Santino Fontana|Santino Fontana]] {{small|(archive sound)}} - Prince Hans of the Southern Isles == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=4520988|title=Frozen II}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2019 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2019 American animated films]] [[Category:Disney films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about trolls]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Films set in Norway]] [[Category:Films directed by Chris Buck]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about sisters]] [[Category:Frozen (franchise)]] f94idx9uwzop0wfv88orvoehqx8jx1s 0 226219 3944435 3943352 2026-05-23T11:35:11Z GrimRob 1187925 typos and spelling 3944435 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Charlie and Lola (TV series)|Charlie and Lola]]''''' is a British [[w:Flash animation|flash-animated]] [[w:Children's television series|children's television series]] based on the popular [[w:Charlie and Lola|children's picture book series of the same name]] by [[w:Lauren Child|Lauren Child]]. It aired from 2000 to 2007. The series was produced by [[w:Tiger Aspect Productions|Tiger Aspect Productions]], and has won multiple [[w:BAFTA|BAFTA]] awards. The animation uses a collage style that emulates the style of the original books. ==Season 1 (2000)== ===I Will Not Ever Never Eat a Tomato [1.1]=== :'''Lola''': Carrots are for rabbits. I don't ever eat carrots. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': They're not carrots. They're orange twiglets from Jupiter. :'''Lola''': They look just like carrots to me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': But I don't eat green things! :'''Charlie''': Goody! More for me, then. ===I Can Do Anything That's Everything All on my Own [1.2]=== :'''Lola''': Captain Lola saved the day. Captain Lola saved the day. That was fun. ''[giggles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': The seesaw will not see or saw with only one person. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I can do anything that's everything... I can. ''[buttons her coat inside out]'' I can... I can do my coat all my own. ''[grunts]'' I can... ''[grunts]'' I can... ''[grunts]'' Ah. I can open things all on my own. ''[picks up a banana chip and eats it]'' ===I Am Not Sleepy and I Will Not Go to Bed [1.3]=== :'''Charlie''': Everyone in the world is tired at midnight, Lola. :'''Lola''': Not me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Now will you please hop into bed? :'''Lola''': Yes, yes, Charlie. I'm hopping. I'm hopping. I'm hopping, hopping. :'''Charlie''': Lola, now. Dad will be up at any minute. :'''Lola''': But I am not sleepy, Charlie. Mmm. ===But That is My Book [1.4]=== :'''Charlie''': Lola, dad took that book out for you last time. And the time before that. ===There is Only One Sun and That is Me! [1.5]=== :'''Charlie''': Poor, poor Mrs. Hampton. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I am a leaf. Not even a green leaf. A brown one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You know, Charlie, I know absolutely, surely that Mrs. Hampton is going to choose me to be the sun. ===We Do Promise Honestly We Can Look After Your Dog [1.6]=== :'''Lola''': Oh no! There are two Sizzleses. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Dogs must go outside and must walk. :'''Lotta''': Otherwise, what is the point of the legs? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': My cereal bowl is now a dog bowl and she has made a dog bed. ===I've Won, No I've Won, No I've Won [1.7]=== :'''Charlie''': Lola, have you cheated? :'''Lola''': Charlie, I've won. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': It's not snap. You've just made up a story. :'''Lola''': I've won! I've won! ===I Like My Hair Completely the Way it Is [1.8]=== :'''Lola''': If they cut mine shorter than yours, I'll... I'll look like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': It's just that some people are supposed to have long hair and I'm one of them. ===I'm Really Ever So Not Well [1.9]=== :'''Lola''': My pink milk tastes green. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Quickly, we're gonna have to cloud-hop. :'''Lola''': I love cloud-hopping, Charlie. ===I Am Hurrying I'm Almost Nearly Ready [1.10]=== :'''Lola''': I just hurry up slower than you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': You see, Lola always finds something else she has to do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Charlie, wait. These squares are magic squares, with music. ===Boo! Made You Jump! [1.11]=== ===It's a Secret [1.14]=== :'''Charlie''': I have this little sister, Lola. :'''Lola''': ''♪ I know, you don't; I know, you don't! ♪'' :'''Charlie''': She is small and very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola's not very good at not telling. ===I Love Going to Granny and Grandpa's And It's Just That... [1.15]=== :'''Charlie''': Today, Mum and Dad are taking us to Granny and Grandpa's house by the sea. Lola loves going to Granny and Grandpas' house. Don't you, Lola? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': It's hard to choose just one pony because what about all the other ponies? They're all so sweet. :'''Charlie''': Well, you might have time to go on all the ponies if you hurry up. Are you ready? :'''Lola''': Nearly ready, Charlie. But what about my hoolie hoop? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I need to talk to Mum and Dad every day. ===I Do Not Ever, Never Want My Wobbly Tooth to Fall Out [1.16]=== :'''Marv''': Why don't you want it to fall out? :'''Lola''': I just need to keep completely all my teeth. :'''Charlie''': Yes, but everyone gets new teeth, Lola. Those are just your baby teeth and they always fall out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Me and Marv have lost lots and lots of teeth, haven't we? How many is it, Marv? :'''Marv''': Uh, I think I lost, uh, 54. :'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' :'''Charlie''': Maybe not 54, Marv. Maybe, maybe more like 6 or 7. :'''Marv''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I didn't know there was a special fairy who gives you presents when your teeth fall out! :'''Lotta''': Yeah. :'''Lola''': ''[indignant]'' '''WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL THIS BEFORE?!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': But now the tooth fairy won't come and I won't get a coin and I won't get my giraffe. :'''Charlie''': You can... You can write to the tooth fairy and explain. :'''Lola''': But I don't know how to write in fairy. :'''Charlie''': Fairies can read every language. Come on, I'll help you. ===Say "Cheese" [1.17]=== :'''Lola''': I can do it, Charlie. Tidy hair, tidy clothes, clean shoes, clean hands and face and then big smiling. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Come, Lotta. Let's just play one game of puddles. :'''Lotta''': I told my Mum I wouldn't jump in any puddles. :'''Lola''': Oh, so did I. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Water does make you messy, doesn't it? :'''Lola''': No, water makes you clean. ===I'm Just Not Keen on Spiders [1.18]=== :'''Lola''': ''[regarding about the spiders]'' You never know what they're gonna be up to next. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': And there was a time when you didn't even like beetles. :'''Lola''': Oh, really? Because I can't remember ever not liking beetles because they're so funny. :_______________________ :Lola: Hello. Charlie, it's, it's moving! :Charlie: Hold still, Lola! :[Lola scream]: AAAGH!!! :Charlie: Now I'm going to have to find him all over again. Lola, which way did he go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': What do you think his name is? :'''Charlie''': What do you think it is? :'''Lola''': Um, Sidney. :'''Charlie''': He does look like a Sidney. How could you not like a spider called Sidney? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Uh, Lola, should we put them outside now? :'''Lola''': Not now, Charlie. It's raining. Maybe after we've all had a spiders' tea party. ===Snow is My Favorite and My Best [1.19]=== :'''Lola''': I want snow all the time. Why can't we have snow all the time? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Is it snowing yet? :'''Charlie''': No. :'''Lola''': When the snow comes, will I hear it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Don't the penguins look smart, Charlie? They look like they're going to a party. ===You Won't Like This Present as Much as I Do! [1.20]=== :'''Charlie''': Lola, another thing about presents is you need to choose something that actually exists. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Maybe we can unwrap it a little bit? :'''Soren Lorenson''': I don't think it's allowed. It's for Lotta, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola, it's not nice to play with someone else's present before you've given it to them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': His knees are all funny. :'''Charlie''': Lola. :'''Lola''': Do not speak to the doctor, please. :'''Charlie''': ''[whispering]'' Well, you chose a good present, didn't you? ===I Must Take Completely Everything [1.21]=== :'''Lola''': Without the wand, I can't wish at all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': How much stuff have you got in here, Lola? :'''Lola''': Quite a few things. Nearly lots. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': But [[w:Cinderella|Cinderella]] is a pretend story. :'''Lola''': Yes, but I need to pretend with actual things. ===I Want to Play Music Too [1.22]=== :'''Lola''': I don't want to shush. I want to play music too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Oops! Oh. :'''Charlie''': It takes quite a long time to get good at an instrument. I've been learning for a whole year. :'''Lola''': But I want to play music now, Charlie. ===I'm Far Too Extremely Busy [1.23]=== :'''Lola''': Hurry up, Charlie. I haven't got time to do stopping. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Sorry, Lotta. Mr. Albertine is eating up everything, so I have to go to my other job. Bye. :'''Lotta''': Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Would you like to see the dentist? :'''Charlie''': Now I seem to be at the dentist, when all I want to do is play cards, so I say "Can I have an appointment, please?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': Telephone and butterfly. Flip flop. :'''Charlie''': Flip flop?! :'''Marv''': Yeah, they're both orange. :'''Charlie''': That's not flip flop. ===I Want to be Much More Bigger Like You [1.24]=== :'''Charlie''': You see, today is measuring day and every month, Dad measures us to see how big we're getting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I'm trying to stretch myself to make me... bigger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[wearing a set of self-made stilts]'' Measure me now, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Lola, the people who run the super duper loop-the-looper will know you're cheating. You'll just have to wait and see if you're big enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Okay, imagine if we really did change places. :'''Lola''': Hmm... I have this little brother, Charlie. He is small... and very funny. Sometimes I have to keep an eye on him. :'''Charlie''': Ooh, ooh, ooh. Can I have some pink milk now, please? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I think I might be slightly too small... still. Perhaps it will be a little more fun if I went on something made for more slightly smaller people. ===My Little Town [1.25]=== :'''Charlie''': You can build buildings and roads and it's called "My Little Town". :'''Lola''': It's called "Our Little Town". Granny and Grandpa gave it to you and me, remember? :'''Charlie''': I know, Lola, but really it's actually called "My Little Town". See, if you look on the box... :'''Lola''': I know! I know! But it's our little town, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': My town doesn't have flowers. It has cars and airplanes and dogs. :'''Lola''': And big flowers. :'''Charlie''': My dogs will eat your flowers. :'''Lola''': Dogs don't eat flowers. :'''Charlie''': They do in my little town. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Why aren't you playing "Our Little Town", Lola? :'''Lola''': Because it's not Our Little Town, Charlie. It's your little town. You spoiled it anyway. I don't want to play with you. And I'm colouring. ===But I Am an Alligator [1.26]=== :'''Charlie''': You make a good crocodile, Lola. :'''Lola''': Oh no, Charlie. This is not a crocodile. This is an alligator. It is my favourite fancy dress costume and it's my best. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola, you can't wear an alligator costume all the time. :'''Lola''': I can. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Alligators love frozen prawns. :'''Charlie''': Shh. Everyone's looking at us. ==Season 2 (2001–02)== ===It is Absolutely and Completely Not Messy [2.1]=== :'''Charlie''': It's like a whole herd of buffalo have stomped through! It's all messed up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Don't touch my bedtime water! :'''Charlie''': Yuck. You've had it there for two days. You can't drink this. :'''Lola''': What if wake up in the middle of the night, absolutely and completely thirsty? ===I Spy with My Little Eyes [2.2]=== :'''Charlie''': At the moment, Lola likes watching what's going on and then pretending to write things down. :'''Lola''': It's called "spying," Charlie, and I am noticing things every minute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': There aren't any ogres in this garden because Dad told me. :'''Soren Lorenson''': I'm sure it is the shoe of an ogre. :'''Lola''': Well, I don't think it's an ogre shoe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': I'm Charlie and this is my little sister, Lola. We live over there. Have you just moved in? :'''Arnold''': Oh yes. I'm Arnold. Arnold Wolf. :'''Lola''': Arnold wha? huh? Wolf? I knew it! And is your dad, Mr. Wolf? :'''Arnold''': Yes. :'''Lola''': And is your mom, Mrs. Wolf? :'''Arnold''': Yes. :'''Lola''': And you are Arnold Wolf. Arnold Wolf? :'''Arnold''': Yes. :'''Lola''': This letter is for you. I'm Lola Sonner and I am very pleased to meet you. ===I am Extremely Magic [2.3]=== :'''Charlie''': Watch this, Lola. Abracadabra. Alakazam. Make my pink milk stick like jam. :'''Lola''': Whoa! That is extremely magic. ===How Many More Minutes? [2.4]=== :'''Lola''': Do minutes go longer when you're not doing anything? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Squidbones''': Why waste your time brushing teeth when you can steal them? ===This is Actually My Party [2.5]=== :'''Lola''': Look, this one's a talking card, from Granny and Grandpa. :'''Voice from Card''': I'd just like to say happy birthday, before I gobble you up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Charlie, it's a telespoke. :'''Charlie''': Thanks, Marv. I really wanted a telescope. ''[whispers to Lola]'' Lola, please let me unwrap my presents by myself. :'''Lola''': Okay, Charlie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[angry at Lola for ruining his party]'' One, you open all my cards, two, you open my present from Marv, three, you put on music that I don't even like, four, you make everyone play party games, and five, you blow out my candles! This is ''my'' party, not ''your'' party! ===I am Collecting a Collection [2.6]=== :'''Lola''': I want a collection too. :'''Charlie''': Well, collecting is fun and it's really easy to do, Lola. All you have to do is to think of something you really like and then you start collecting it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': It's a collection of things that people do need and I can give to them and they'll be very pleased. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': It's the ptero-thingy. :'''Charlie''': The [[w:Pterodactyl|pterodactyl]]. It's as big as an actual airplane and it can fly for squillions of miles. ===Lucky, Lucky Me [2.7]=== :'''Lola''': Maybe today I'm absolutely the most luckiest person in the whole world. :''♪ Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky me-eee-ee. ♪'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[the movie theatre about to closed]'' Oh, no! :'''Lola''': What is it, Charlie? :'''Charlie''': There are no more tickets, Lola. They've sold them all. :'''Lola''': Does that mean we can't see ''Batcat''? :'''Charlie''': Not today. No. :'''Lola''': Oh. Oh. I think my luck has gone away now, Charlie. First it was windy and rainy, and then my lucky dress got completely ruined. And then my hat gone blowed away and now we can't see Bat Cat! :'''NOTE''': The movie in the story "Lucky, Lucky Me," ''Batcat'', is an obvious reference to the popular character and series of movies, ''[[Batman]]''. ===I Just Love My Shiny Red Shoes [2.8]=== :'''Lola''': Shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, where are you? :'''Charlie''': Why don't you wear a different pair of shoes? :'''Lola''': Charlie! They are my extremely, most favorite red shiny shoes. I wear them all of the time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola, think really hard. :'''Lola''': I am, Charlie. I am thinking. am thinking I'm thinking the hardest I can really think. ===My Best Best Bestest Friend [2.9]=== :'''Lola''': I don't think Lotta likes me anymore. :'''Charlie''': She's your best friend. You do everything together. :'''Lola''': That was ages ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': I know. I'll be your friend. :'''Lola''': It's not the same, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Why not? :'''Lola''': Because you're already my brother and you're not in my class and you don't sit next to me. ===I Really Wonder What Plant I'm Growing [2.10]=== :'''Lola''': What are you doing, Charlie? :'''Charlie''': I'm growing my own plant. It's a tomato one. :'''Lola''': Ew. I am not keen on tomatoes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Uh, Charlie, why are you talking to your plant? They don't have ears. :'''Charlie''': Lots of people talk to plants. Mrs. Finch says it helps them to grow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': What will my seed grow into? :'''Charlie''': We'll have to wait and see. :'''Lola''': It's a "wait-and-see" seed. ''[giggles]'' ===Charlie is Broken! [2.11]=== :'''Lola''': Charlie, why is your arm white and ginormous? :'''Charlie''': It's my plaster, Lola. It's protecting my arm until it's all better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Soren Lorenson, I'm a bit slightly scared. :'''Soren Lorenson''': Why are you? :'''Lola''': Because Charlie isn't Charlie anymore. He is broken. ===I Will Be Especially, Very Careful [2.12]=== :'''Lola''': The shopping trolley has got Lotta's coat! ===Yes I Am No You're Not [2.13]=== :'''Charlie''': I have this little sister, Lola. She is small and very funny. :'''Lola''': I'm not small. :'''Charlie''': You are quite small, Lola. :'''Lola''': No, I'm not, Charlie. I am big. Look. ''[stretches]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Sometimes when we squabble and won't stop, Mom and Dad make us sit on the simmer-down chairs. They're called the simmer-down chairs because sometimes we get boiling mad so we have to sit quietly until we have simmered down. ===I Am Really, Really, Really Concentrating [2.14]=== :'''Charlie''': Today, Lola is very excited because it's sports day on Friday and this is Lola's first ever sports day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola, did you glue the egg to the spoon? :'''Lola''': Yes, Charlie. Now it doesn't fall off. :'''Charlie''': You can't do that. Glue is cheating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Mrs. Hanson gave me a ribbon because my egg did not fall of my spoon one time. ===Please May I Have Some of Yours? [2.15]=== :'''Charlie''': Today, Lola is really excited because Granny and Grandpa are taking us both to the zoo. :'''Lola''': Oh, oh! Seals, Charlie, seals! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola is not very good at saving things for later. :'''Lola''': Yes I am, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': You are not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I want to see the seals. :'''Charlie''': The anteaters are amazing, Lola. Look... look how long his wiggly nose is. That's for winkling out termites and ants from ant hills. ===Can You Maybe Turn the Light On? [2.16]=== :'''Lola''': I think funny things come out when it's dark and I hear funny noises. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Can I have the night-light on? :'''Charlie''': You haven't had the night-light on for ages. You know I find it hard to sleep with it on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ogre''': If only someone will come and sing me a song, I'll fall asleep all night long. ===What if I Get Lost in the Middle of Nowhere? [2.17]=== :'''Lola''': ''[singsong voice]'' ''♪ Foxy, where are you? ♪'' I know you're here somewhere, but I can't find you. :'''Charlie''': Foxy is Lola's toy fox and she's been looking for him since yesterday. :'''Lola''': ''♪ Foxy, foxy, foxy... ♪'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': It's completely disappeared, into the middle of nowhere. Oh, I think he is lost. :'''Charlie''': I'm sure he's not lost. I'll help you find him. :'''Lola''': Thank you, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': When we get back from school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': What does Mrs. Finch always say? :'''Charlie and Marv''': ''[reciting together]'' If you do get lost, all you have to do is stay still, and someone will come and find you. :'''Lola''': We could still get lost. :'''Lotta''': Yes, we could. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You see, we know exactly how not to get lost. :''[Lola and Lotta giggle]'' ===Welcome to Lolaland [2.18]=== :'''Charlie''': People live all over the world, Lola and they speak lots of different languages. If you go and get the globe, I'll show you where all the different countries are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': Hola. Me llamo Marv. :'''Lola''': Pajama Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': What music do people do in other countries? :''[Marv sighs]'' :'''Charlie''': Lola... :'''Lola''': It's my last question, I promise! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': It is time to begin our dancing. The springy, boingy, jumpy dance of Lolaland! :'''Soren Lorenson''': I love jumping! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': Lola, give globo Marv now, now, now! :'''Lola''': Why didn't you just say so? ===Will You Please Stop Messing About? [2.19]=== :'''Lola''': Well, Mom said we can all watch ''Space Family Hudson'' when we've all done our little jobs. :'''Charlie''': They're not little jobs. They're big. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': I'll never be able to watch ''Space Family Hudson'' because on this planet we have to do all the boring jobs ourselves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I love sheet-folding. ''[covers herself with one of the sheets]'' Whoo, Charlie! I'm a spooky ghost. Whoo-whoo! ===I Completely Know About Guinea Pigs [2.20]=== :'''Charlie''': What are you doing at the moment? :'''Lola''': I'm being a guinea pig. Wrink! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Come here, Burt! It's all right. :'''Burt''': Wrink! Wrink! :'''Lola''': Oh, stop wriggling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[to Burt]'' If you were my very own guinea pig, I would take you everywhere. I would always take you grocery shopping with Mom. I would take you to the cinema and the library. I would take you everywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Burt! :'''Charlie''': Uh-oh. :'''Lola''': Where is he? Burt is completely, extremely gone! :'''Charlie''': He can't be completely gone. He's got to be here somewhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[regarding about Burt]'' Maybe he didn't like me. Maybe he's run away. :'''Charlie''': He didn't run away. He has to be here somewhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Lots of Burts. Where did they all come from? :'''Charlie''': Hmm. I don't think Burt is a boy, Lola. :'''Lola''': What do you mean? :'''Charlie''': I think Burt has had babies. :'''Lola''': Ooh. I said he was a girl. ===Never Ever Never Step on the Cracks [2.21]=== :'''Lola''': If you touch any of the deep blue sea, Dad said it will make the sea ticklers come up and tickle your feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Did the [[w:Bed bug|bedbugs]] bite? :'''Charlie''': No. :'''Lola''': I don't want them to bite me, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Lola, it's not all true, you know. Some things are just superstitions. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': There are no [[w:Bear|bears]], Lola, I promise. No bears, no [[w:Crocodile|crocodiles]], and certainly no [[w:Lion|lions]]. It's only something people say. ===I Will Not Ever Never Forget You, Nibbles [2.22]=== :'''Lola''': ''[regarding about Nibbles]'' I just want to hold him for a bit more longer-er. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Tomorrow's our Bring Your Pet to School Day. Marv's bringing Sizzles and I'm gonna bring Nibbles. :'''Lola''': Oh, Nibbles will definitely be the cleverest pet in the whole school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': When Nibbles is older and bigger, he'll probably be able to do all kinds of tricks. :'''Lola''': Millions and a hundred of people come to see Nibbles the daredevil mouse. :'''Charlie''': The first-ever mouse to cross a waterfall on a tightrope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': I'm afraid, Lola, Nibbles is definitely not going to wake up. :'''Lola''': You're just not seeing properly, Charlie. ''[gasps]'' Oh. Nibbles is completely not moving, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': All mice are different. That's why they make such good pets. ===Look After Your Planet [2.23]=== :'''Marv''': ''[regarding about his brother; Marty]'' Mom says his room looks like a complete pigsty. :'''Morton''': A pigsty. ''[snorts]'' :''[Lola giggles]'' :'''Charlie''': He can't be that bad. :'''Marv''': Ha. Yes he can. :'''Morton''': He is. :'''Marv''': We can just peek. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I do not ever never want my room to look like Marty's, so I am throwing everything away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[explaining the concept of recycling to Lola]'' I suppose it's a way that people can reuse old things in a different and new way. :'''Lola''': Why? :'''Charlie''': If we just threw everything away, then we'd all, maybe, be completely buried under a massive huge pile of rubbish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I would love to plant a tree. :'''Charlie''': Well, you'd better start recycling. :'''Lola''': Yes, Charlie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Who's been in my room?! :'''Marv''': Let's get out of here! Quick! ===Too Many Big Words [2.24]=== :'''Lola''': Too many big words, Charlie. I will leave words until later, when I am bigger. Oh, and I don't really think I'll go to school tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Charlie, at school, we also have to do writing, which is all loopy, and my loops go all over the paper. :'''Charlie''': But, Lola, if you learn how to write, you can send letters and cards to people you like. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[reading story about the bird; Piccolo]'' "Well, you can fly now," said his mother. "And you'll be able to sing too. You just have to keep trying." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Okay. :'''Lola''': Piccolo is puh... printed in [[w:China|China]]. It costs... :'''Charlie''': Lola. :''[Lola giggles]'' ===You Can Be My Friend [2.25]=== :'''Marv''': Morton's not a really big talker. Are you, Morton? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Look at me. I'm a grand lady. Clip-clop. Clip-clop. Now I'm a mermaid. ''[sound of bubbling]'' Meow. Meow. And you, Morton, you could be a pirate. :''[Lola places a paper hat on his head, but he removes it and she sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Morton, don't you want to play? :''[Morton shakes his head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': He didn't say one single word, even. He doesn't like me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': What do you think it would be like to be inside a bubble? :'''Morton''': Bubbly. ===I Wish I Could Draw Exactly More Like You [2.26]=== :'''Lola''': I'm just sharpening my pencil. I like it all pointy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': The walls are all straight. :''[Lotta's pencil suddenly breaks and the line goes jagged]'' :'''Lotta''': Oh no! They are not all straight! Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': The walls don't have to be completely exactly straight like your house, Lotta. :'''Lotta''': They do. :'''Lola''': Oh. :'''Lotta''': A rule. This will help me be unwobbly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': This is a book of Dad's. It's a book of all different artists. Look at this one. It's by an artist called "Van Goog." :'''Marv''': I think it's "Van Goff," Charlie. ==Season 3 (2006–07)== ===I Really Absolutely Must Have Glasses [3.1]=== :'''Charlie''': Today, Lola is thinking about seeing because Mum is taking her to have her eyes tested. :'''Lola''': At the opstician. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': But, you know, Charlie, I can actually see all my shapes and colors very well. I can see my spaghetti and my bowl and my spoon and my pink milk. ''[slurps]'' Ahh! And you. So I really, absolutely do not need to go to the opt... opt... eye-test lady. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Lola, I would like to choose some glasses. :'''Lola''': I wonder what glasses I would choose. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola, you're going to the optician's to get your eyes tested. She'll only give you glasses if you really, really need them. :'''Lola''': But I do need them, Charlie. I absolutely, completely need a pair of lovely glasses that are green. Maybe orange. With pink side-a-bits right here. :''[Charlie sighs wearily]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Wake up, Charlie! Today's the day that I'm going to get my glasses. Come on, hurry up. Mum, Mum! :''[Charlie sighs grumpily and tucks himself in, hoping to get a bit more sleep]'' ===Thunder Completely Does Not Scare Me [3.2]=== :'''Charlie''': If you aren't frightened of storms, then why have you got cushions on your ears? :'''Lola''': ''[shouting]'' <big>'''BECAUSE, CHARLIE, I'M NOT, BUT MY EARS MIGHT BE!!!'''</big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': If you watch the storm, then it's not so scary. :'''Lola''': But I'm not scared, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': I know you're not scared. That's why we can watch the real storm. It's really exciting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': The rain has gone really loud. :'''Charlie''': That's because it's not rain anymore... it's hail. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': See? Storms are fun. There's no need to be scared of the thunder. :'''Lola''': I'm not scared of the thunder, Charlie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I don't like the thunder. I'm scared. :'''Charlie''': Oh, Lola. It's just weather. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Lola, the storm has stopped! :'''Lola''': <big>'''I AM THUNDER!'''</big> ''[laughs]'' :'''Charlie''': Lola, the storm has stopped! ===I Slightly Want to Go Home [3.3]=== :'''Lotta''': I have even got some things for a midnight feast. :'''Lola''': I can't wait! I can't wait! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': ''[giggles]'' Come on, Lola! :'''Lola''': ''[pulling a toothpaste]'' Oops! :'''Lotta''': Why are you brushing your teeth? :'''Lola''': Because I always do my teeth before my bath. So does Charlie. :''[A flashback shows when Lola and Charlie are brushing their teeth in the bathroom]'' :'''Lola''': When do you brush your teeth? :'''Lotta''': After my bath! :'''Lola''': Why do you brush your teeth after? :'''Lotta''': Don't know. Just do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': And we didn't even play "I Went to the Moon." :'''Lotta''': What's that? :'''Lola''': It's a game me and Charlie play at bedtime. :'''Lotta''': How do you play it? :'''Lola''': Well, you have to pretend you are going on holiday to the moon. You have to take turns saying funny things to bring. ===I Am Extremely Absolutely Boiling [3.4]=== :'''Lola''': I'm not just hot, Charlie. I am extremely, absolutely boiling. And the only thing that will make me completely not boiling anymore is strawberry ice cream. Yum. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Arnold, could you pant a little bit more quieter, please? Your panting is making me more hot. :'''Arnold''': Why don't you try panting too? :'''Lola''': Because I'm not a dog, Arnold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Arnold Wolf is a meanie-pegs. :'''Marv''': Oh. I'm sure he didn't mean to be a meanie-pegs. :'''Lola''': Well, he was one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arnold''': Charlie, would you like to play in my paddling pool. And Lola? :'''Lola''': Tell Arnold that we're very, extremely happy splashing over here, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Ugh. ===I Can Train Your Dog [3.5]=== :'''Morton''': Hello, Lola. :'''Lola''': Hello, Morton. Marv says Sizzles is being naughty today. He's not being naughty, is he? He's just a little bit sad because he can't go on his walk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Sizzles must have thought the newspaper was a bone. :'''Marv''': I don't think so, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You're a good dog. :'''Marv''': Sizzles isn't a good dog. :'''Lola''': Hmm. He could learn to be good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': No, Sizzles. No howling, or chewing, or naughtiness. Okay? :''[Sizzles shreds the newspaper into pieces]'' :'''Charlie''': It's no good, Lola. Marv is right. :'''Lola''': No! Sizzles can do anything! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You know, Marv, Sizzles is now a completely, extremely and absolutely good dog. :'''Marv''': I don't think that's very likely, Lola. :'''Charlie''': We'll prove it. :'''Lola''': We'll do a dog show. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': Mum! Mum! Sizzles has found your handbag! :'''Lola''': You're a completely good dog, Sizzles. :'''Charlie''': Well done, Sizzles. :'''Marv''': Even though you messed up the whole house. It was worth it because you found Mom's handbag. ===Do Not Ever Never Let Go [3.6]=== :'''Marv''': You'll be much faster on a real bike, Lola. :'''Lola''': No, Marv. I really like my trike. It is exactly almost nearly like Lotta's trike and it goes exactly as fastest as her trike, so we can tricycle along together at the same exact time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Dad took my stabilizers off. :''[Lola gasps and moans]'' :'''Lotta''': It's really easy, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Are you holding on, Charlie? :'''Charlie''': Yes, Lola. :'''Lola''': ''[moans]'' Oh, too fast, too fast, too fast. '''TOO FAST!''' ''[gasps]'' The fence, the fence! :'''Charlie''': Use the brakes, Lola. :'''Lola''': ''[panicking]'' '''WHERE ARE THE BRAKES!? WHERE ARE THE BRAKES!?''' Oh, here. [the brakes stops] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You let go. You promised you wouldn't let go. :'''Charlie''': Maybe you should put the stabilizers back on. ===Our Shop Sells Everything [3.7]=== :'''Charlie''': Today, Lola is playing shops with her friend, Lotta. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Sorry, customer. There are no biscuits. :'''Lola''': Lotta, we definitely have biscuits in our shop. :'''Lotta''': Well, we did, but doing shops makes you very nibbly, Lola. :'''Lola''': Lotta! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': I would like to be a fairy, please. :'''Lola''': ''[whispering]'' I don't think we have a fairy, Lotta. :'''Lotta''': Oh. :'''Lola''': Oh, wait! Actually, we do have one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Fairies are very difficult customers. :'''Lola''': Yes. I hope no more fairies go buying in our shop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': ''[recommending an item to Morton]'' What about this? :'''Lola''': Lotta, all the pictures are all colored in. :'''Lotta''': But is is really good coloring, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Have fun with your shop. :'''Lola''': It's not our shop, anymore. It's Morton's shop now. ===I Am Inventing a Usefullish Invention [3.8]=== :'''Lola''': What are you reading? :'''Charlie''': It's a book about invention. :'''Lola''': Hmm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I can. I can invent something. You'll see. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Charlie! :'''Charlie''': What is it? :'''Lola''': I am an actual inventor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': So am I really, completely an inventor? :'''Marv''': You are. You are an actual, factual inventor, Lola. ===But We Always Do It Like This [3.9]=== :'''Charlie''': Today, Lola can't wait. Because we're going to Granny and Grandpa's. :'''Lola''': And Granny and Grandpa live at the seaside. And you know what we do at Granny and Grandpa's? :'''Charlie''': Uh... eat ice cream? :'''Lola''': Pat, pat, pat... :'''Charlie''': Jump in the waves? :'''Lola''': Uh… ''[ahem]'' Pat, pat, pat… :'''Charlie''': Hmm… I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clem''': Shells! ''[places them on sandcastle haphazardly]'' :'''Lola''': No! Not wonky! All straight! Charlie, I don't think it's a very good idea to let Clem do helping, 'cause we always do it together and she's going to spoil it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Luke''': So, there are no crosses. :''[The road is called beach crosses. The fish like a car in traffic is red stop, green starts to go]'' :'''Lola''': And shops! Don't forget the shops! :'''Clem''': Yes, shops! ''[The doors opened, and sees hundreds of beach shops]'' :'''Lola''': Wow! :'''Clem''': Ooh! :''[Clem giggles. Lola and Clem laughs]'' :'''Charlie''': Lola, it's so amazing! :'''Luke''': Wow! :'''Hal''': Wow! :'''Charlie''': ''[gasps]'' The castle! :'''Clem''': The castle! ''[Lola picked up the sand bucket. Then, he digger some sand circle, Charlie clean the sand castle with his fingers, Lola pulls out of the sand castle]'' More windows. ''[He collected some shells]'' :''[The big castle is very big. He ran upstairs to the top of the castle outside]'' :'''Hal''': How do we get out? :'''Charlie''': There's our drawbridge. :'''Lola''': Charlie! Put the crab in his castle. :'''Charlie''': Oh, yes! The crab! ''[Hal giggles]'' There you are. A whole sand city. :'''Luke''': It's amazing. :'''Hal''': It really is. :'''Lola''': Let's get grandpa to take a picture of all of us and the crab and the city. :'''Charlie''': Yes! :'''Lola''': Grandpa! Come take a picture! :'''Hal''': Clem, come here. :'''Clem''': I'm coming! :'''Luke''': Should out! :'''Lola''': Say "cheese". :'''All''': Cheese! ''[A camera is a picture]'' :'''Luke''': Bye! :'''Charlie''': Bye! :'''Hal''': See ya. :'''Clem''': Bye, Charlie! :'''Lola''': Bye! :'''Charlie''': See you next year! :'''Hal''': Yes, we well. :'''Luke''': See you then! :'''Clem''': Bye, Lola! :'''Hal''': Can't wait! :'''Clem''': Bye, Lola. ===I Can't Stop Hiccuping! [3.10]=== :'''Charlie''': Oh, Lola, you've given yourself the hiccups. :'''Lola''': ''[hiccups]'' I can't... ''[hiccups]'' ...help it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Do you like my tower, Lola? :'''Lola''': Hmm. :''[Lola hiccups, knocking the tower down]'' :'''Lotta''': You hiccuped down my tower. :'''Lola''': Sorry, Lotta. It was an accident. :'''Mini''': You should do my hopping. :'''Lola''': ''[hiccups]'' I can't keep doing hopping. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': How did they start? :'''Lola''': ''[hiccups]'' Lotta made me laugh. ''[hiccups]'' :'''Charlie''': Hmm, I'll tell you what. Why don't you two try to make laugh, so that I could catch your hiccups? If I catch them, then you won't have them anymore. See? :'''Lola''': ''[hiccups]'' Oh, alright! :'''Lotta''': Um… ''[he thinks. Blows his raspberries]'' ===I Am Completely Hearing and Also Listening [3.11]=== :'''Lola''': ''[as Elephant]'' He's very big, isn't he? ''[giggles; as herself]'' Look, it's a puppet. Did you think it was really an elephant, Charlie? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Are you listening, Lola? Lola, I don't think you were listening. :'''Lola''': Yes, I was, Charlie. But Elephant is an actual puppet, and he knows all about puppet theaters, so he told me exactly just where to glue it. :'''Charlie''': But you've left a piece out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': You didn't listen. You never listen. :'''Lola''': I do, Charlie. I am absolutely hearing and also listening. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': What time are we supposed to get there, Lola? :'''Lola''': Hmm. 5 o'clock. Yes. 5 o'clock. That's what Arnold said. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': But you said 5 o'clock. :'''Arnold''': No. You couldn't have listened properly. I said come early for teatime. And then your Mum and Dad to pick you up at 5 o'clock. Everyone's gone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Sometimes I don't think I always listen very hard enough. :'''Charlie''': That's true, Lola. But I know you can. ===But I Don't Really Like This Present [3.12]=== :'''Lola''': Charlie! ''[whining]'' Charlie! :'''Charlie''': What is it, Lola? ''[notices the garishly colorful hat Lotta got for Lola]'' Oh. :'''Lola''': I don't want my present from Lotta. :'''Charlie''': It's very, um, bright. What don't you like about it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': But I don't like it, Charlie. And I don't want to wear it. :'''Charlie''': Don't you think Lola will be a bit sad. You did tell her you'd wear it all the time. :'''Lola''': But I really, absolutely don't like it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': I can't wait to show everyone at school the beautiful bracelet you got me from holiday, Lola. You will wear your hart to school too, won't you? :'''Lola''': Oh, yes, yes, I'll wear it tomorrow. Bye, then. ===I Can Dance Like a Dancer [3.13]=== :'''Lola''': Country dancing makes me a bit dizzy and I don't think it's my favorite. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I'm an ever-so-good dancer. Look. This is my drinking-pink-milk dance. ''[blows bubbles, taps and giggles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': I do ballet dance after school. You can come over for a try. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I like ballet, but it's too floaty for me. And tap dancing's good, but it's too shuffly and not enough tapping. I don't think I'm ever going to be a good dancerer. ===Help! I Really Mean It! [3.14]=== :'''Lotta''': Hello, Caspar the cat. :'''Lola''': You can come in, Lotta, but you just have to open the door a tiny bit. It's called "Caspar's not allowed out, or he might run away." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Did you know, Lotta, that Caspar was actually a [[w:Tiger|tiger]]? :'''Lotta''': Yes, a tiger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Caspar, where are you? :'''Charlie''': You haven't lost him, have you? :'''Lola''': No, he just didn't really want to ride in my pram. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': <big>'''HELP, CHARLIE, HELP!'''</big> :'''Lotta''': Why isn't Charlie coming, Lola? :'''Lola and Lotta''': <big>'''HELP!!!'''</big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[sniffles]'' I told you I need you, Charlie! :'''Charlie''': But I didn't believe you because you keep shouting "help" when you don't mean it. :'''Lola and Lotta''': Sorry, Charlie and Marv. ===I Would Like to Actually Keep It [3.15]=== :'''Charlie''': Lola, who are you talking to? :'''Lola''': Foxy, of course. ''[as Foxy]'' Hello, Charlie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': What's the matter, Lola? :'''Lola''': Well, I'm worrying about the rabbit. He's still there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Hello, Charlie, it's Lotta. Has anybody rung about Rabbit yet? :'''Charlie''': No, not yet. :'''Lola''': Lotta, you have to get off the telephone. Somebody might be calling. :'''Lotta''': Oops, sorry. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Rabbit is actually a very fast and very clever rabbit. I don't know why somebody hasn't called for him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[regarding about the stuffed rabbit's owner]'' Well done, Lola. He was really happy. :'''Lola''': Yes! He was really happy because I looked after his rabbit really well. ===It's Raining, It's Boring [3.16]=== :'''Charlie''': Today, Lola's excited because mum and dad are going out, so we're going 'round to Marv's. :'''Lola''': No, we're going over to the park to play with Sizzles all day long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I don't like it when it rains. :'''Charlie''': It's not that bad, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': What's this? :'''Lola and Charlie''': What does it say? :'''Marv''': ''[reading]'' "Is it raining?" :'''Charlie''': Yes. :'''Marv''': "Are you really bored?" :'''Lola''': Yes! :'''Marv''': "Well, open this box and you won't be bored anymore." :'''Lola''': Open the box! Open the box! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I don't like these rainy day games. You said it was going to be fun, but it wasn't. I'm going to play with Sizzles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': We didn't finish the rain race in time. :'''Marv''': But we did find an even better game for the rainy day box. :'''Charlie''': Yeah. Lola's story game. ===I am Goody the Good [3.17]=== :'''Charlie''': At the moment, Lola's absolute favorite books are all about a girl called Goody. :'''Lola''': Goody the Good, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Sorry, Lola. Goody the Good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': She helps a turtle to get the right way up again. :'''Goody''': Happy to help. :'''Lola''': Happy to help. Happy to help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': To beat Marv, you must do lots of eating to be big and strong. So I'll help you to choose some grapes. :'''Charlie''': Um, thanks Goody. Mmm. :'''Lola''': Happy to help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Why did you eat my broccoli? :'''Lola''': Certainly, I was helping you, Charlie, because you don't like broccoli. :'''Charlie''': I love broccoli, Lola. :'''Lola''': I was only being helpful, like Goody. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': You've ruined my mountains! :'''Lola''': It's not ruined, Charlie. If you look at it like this, it looks actual wet snowy. ===What Can I Wear for Halloween? [3.18]=== :'''Charlie''': Tomorrow night is [[w:Halloween|Halloween]]. :'''Lola''': Whoo! Whoo! :'''Charlie''': So there's going to be a special party at school. We've all got to wear Halloween costumes. :'''Lola''': Are you going to dress up, Charlie? :'''Charlie''': I am dressed up, Lola. I'm a wizard! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I knew everyone would be going as a wicked witch. :'''Lotta''': Not me. I'm going as a wiggly, hairy monster with eyes that are all woggly wobbly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': That is actually the biggest pumpkin I've ever seen. :'''Lola''': It is as big and orangey as the sun. :'''Lotta''': Mmm. And when my dad does the face, it's gonna be the best pumpkin lantern in the whole of Halloween. :'''Lola''': Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[sighs]'' I still don't know what to go as, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Uh, why don't you dress up as a... wolf? :'''Lola''': Unh unh. Arnold Wolf is going as a wolf. :'''Charlie''': What about a deep sea monster that's all made out of seaweed? :'''Lola''': Blah! Too slimy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': Still no idea what to dress up as, Lola? :'''Lola''': I can't think of anything extremely scary, Marv. :'''Charlie''': I told you, Lola. It doesn't have to be scary. :'''Marv''': Yes, it does. It has to be totally terrifying. :'''Charlie''': It doesn't have to be scary. It'd just better be quick. It's not long until the party. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Are you ready? :'''Lola''': ''[giggles]'' Yes, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Okay, everyone. Behold our very own Halloween pumpkin! The biggest, orangiest pumpkin in the whole of Halloween! ===But Marv is Absolutely Charlie's Best Friend [3.19]=== :'''Marv''': I wish we could watch ''Pirate Squidbones'' all day. :'''Charlie''': So do I. ''[imitating Squidbones]'' You good-for-nothing jellyguts! :'''Marv''': ''[also imitating Squidbones]'' Not as much as I do, you wretched limpet! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[having overheard part of Charlie and Marv's fake Squidbones argument]'' I have ever, never heard Charlie and Marv be cross before, ever. :'''Lotta''': Maybe we should get Charlie and Marv to do a making-up card. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Oh no. Marv's got a new best friend. :'''Marv''': These biscuits are the best. :'''Jack''': They're my best, too. You like all the same things I do. :'''Lotta''': ''[whispering]'' They're definitely best friends because they like the same biscuits. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marv''': ''[on the telephone]'' Just tell Charlie he's a mean jellyguts. :''[Lola gasps]'' :'''Marv''': Bye, Lola. :'''Lola''': Oh. :'''Lotta''': Don't tell Charlie he's a mean jellyguts. :'''Lola''': Oh no, I won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[regarding about himself and Marv]'' Oh, Lola, we're the best friends ever. :'''Marv''': ''[chuckles]'' Lola. :'''Charlie''': We've just been playing Squidbones. ===I Am Making a Craze [3.20]=== :'''Lola''': Would you like to do some real, actual skipping now? :'''Lotta''': No, because I have to practice my hulie-skipping. :'''Lola''': Oh. What about hide and seek? :'''Lotta''': No thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Hi, Lola. Why aren't you playing with your hulie-hoop? :'''Lola''': Why is everyone doing hulie-hooping and not anything but hulie-hooping? :'''Charlie''': Because it's a craze, Lola. :'''Lola''': How long does a craze go on for, Charlie? :'''Charlie''': Until the next craze comes along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': What are you doing, Lola? :'''Lola''': I'm making a craze, Charlie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You can even play cuppy catch ball with two people. That's called "twosies." :'''Charlie''': Hey, Lotta. :'''Lotta''': If we did it with our eyes closed, we could call it "sleeping twosies." ''[throws the ball with her eyes closed, but it doesn't come anywhere close to the cup]'' Oh. :'''Charlie''': Or "dropsies." ===But Where Completely Are We? [3.21]=== :'''Lola''': I would quite like to be an explorer. Why don't we go now? :'''Charlie''': All the exploring places are really far away and you have to take water and food for surviving. :'''Lola''': We can do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Mum gave me some raisins in case we get really hungry out in the wild. And dad said he'll come down if we need some help with the tent. :'''Charlie''': We won't need any help, Lola, because we're explorers. :'''Lola''': I know. Where are we going? :'''Charlie''': We're going through blizzards and tropical rain. :'''Lola''': And jump over biggish rocks. :'''Charlie''': We may even have to wade through rivers. But we'll keep on going and going until we get there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': We can't just go back home every time you want something. :'''Lola''': Can't we? :'''Charlie''': No. That's cheating. We're in a wild and faraway place, remember? And we have to find our own food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[popping out of a bush]'' Lola, it's me! :'''Lola''': Oh! I thought you were a tiger! :'''Charlie''': Sorry, Lola. I was just foraging for food in the bush. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I definitely don't like explorer camping. It's wet and it's cold. I don't like it! Please. ''[sniffles]'' Can we just go inside, please? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Day one-- talked to a [[w:Parrot|parrot]] and saw... 23 [[w:Orangutan|orangutans]]. Lola, when are you going to tidy your side of the camp? :'''Lola''': Not now, Charlie. :'''Charlie''': Where are you going? :'''Lola''': Foraging. :'''Charlie''': Foraging for what? Giant coconuts? :'''Lola''': No. Cheese, from the fridge. ===I Really, Really Need Actual Ice Skates [3.22]=== :'''Lola''': Hi, Morton! :'''Morton''': I'm a very good scooterer. :'''Marv''': But not a very good stopperer. You'd better take it inside, Morton. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': I love ice skating! :'''Morton''': So do I. :'''Lola''': So do I. :'''Charlie''': Lola's never been ice skating before. :'''Marv''': Neither has Morton. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You know, Charlie, I really do think I absolutely and extremely must have my own skates. :'''Charlie''': But we're getting the scooters tomorrow with dad. :'''Lola''': I'm going to have real ice skates instead of the scooter, Charlie, because then I will be a very good and very twirylish ice skater. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Dad said I must be very, very good and promise not to change my mind and that he doesn't want to find my skates in the bottom of the cupboard. :'''Charlie''': Mmm. ===I Am Going to Save a Panda [3.23]=== :'''Lotta''': And we can save the... [[w:Giraffe|giraffes]]. :'''Marv''': Giraffes? :'''Lola''': Yes. 'Cause sometimes, because they're so tall, giraffes get their heads stuck in the clouds. :'''Lotta''': Oh-no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': We're helping the endangered animals by raising money for them. :'''Lola''': Are we going to buy them a present? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I think I would like to save a [[w:Giant panda|panda]]. :'''Lotta''': <big>'''YES, YES, YES!'''</big> :'''Charlie''': Okay. Let's save the pandas. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': You know, Charlie, I'm definitely going to save a giant panda tomorrow because I can hop forever. Hop! ===I've Got Nobody to Play With [3.24]=== :'''Lola''': ''[talking on the telephone]'' Hello? Oh, hello, Lotta's mum. Lotta has a cold? But she could still come, though. (Signs) But I like germs. Okay. Bye, Lotta's mum. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': And now I was wondering if you would like maybe to come upstairs and do some coloring with me. :'''Morton''': Oh, no! I can't, Lola. I've got to go to the vet with my mum. She says Sizzles has got bad breath. :''[Sizzles barks]'' :'''Lola and Morton''': '''EWW!''' :'''Morton''': It's smelly. Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Where are you hiding? :'''Soren Lorenson''': I'm in the cave. Can't you see me? :'''Lola''': Of course I can see you, Soren Lorenson! Come out. We've got a very big mountain to climb, made out of pillows. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Aw. A magic forest in our bedroom. Can I play? :'''Lola''': Well... okay. ===It is Very Special and Extremely Ancient [3.25]=== :'''Lola''': That's a stone, Charlie. A brown stone. :'''Charlie''': It's very, very amazing and special. :'''Lola''': Is it a very special stone from the garden? :'''Charlie''': No, Lola. This stone is ancient. It's really, really, really old. :'''Lola''': Did it come from Granny's garden? Granny's very, very old. She's older than even 25. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': So how did a fosskil get into the stone? :'''Charlie''': Fossil, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Lola, do you think we can start a fossil collection together, you and me? :'''Lola''': Yes, Lotta. I think that is an extremely and good idea. :'''Lotta''': So do I. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': A fossil of a... :'''Lola''': ..fish! :'''Lotta''': Yes! A very old, swimmy fish. :'''Charlie''': It's an ice-lolly stick, Lola. ===I Wish I Could Do That And Also That Too [3.26]=== :'''Charlie''': Lola is really excited because... :'''Lola''': My friend from school is coming to play. :'''Charlie''': Not Lotta? :'''Lola''': No, not Lotta. Someone completely else, who's never come to tea before. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mini''': A skipping rope made of lovely and pretty beads. :'''Lola''': Ooh. :'''Mini''': You know, Lola, only actual queens skip with skipping ropes made out of beads. :'''Lola''': Lotta will love our queen skipping rope made all out of beads. :'''Mini''': We can show her at school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Okay, what about "Sorry, I can't come to your house for tea 'cause my fish is ever so not well." :'''Lotta''': But you don't have a fish, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mini''': You were invited to a real space party?! Why didn't you go? :'''Lola''': Because if I went to Marv's party, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be able to do beads with you. :'''Mini''': Oh. Marv's having a real space party, but you still came here to my house. Thank you, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I know! Let's do our own space party! And beads... let's do space beads! ==Specials== ===How Many More Minutes Until Christmas?=== :'''Lola''': ''[gasps]'' The horse with twigs on his head! :'''Charlie''': ''[giggles]'' That's a reindeer, Lola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[regarding about [[w:Father Christmas|Father Christmas]]]'' Oh, and he always brings a tangerine. :'''Lola''': Why does he always bring a tangerine? :'''Charlie''': I don't know. 'Cause they are really boring. :'''Lola''': ''[showing Charlie a Christmas card]'' That is my card for Lotta. :'''Charlie''': That's really nice, Lola. What is it? :'''Lola''': It's "Away in a Manger" with [[w:Christ Child|Baby Jesus]]. Lotta really likes that song, especially the bit where the cattle are lowing. Uh... What is lowing, Charlie? :'''Charlie''': It's like mooing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Oh, Charlie, I'm very excited! We can post our letter to Father Christmas on our way to school tomorrow! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lola finds out Lotta had received her letter to Father Christmas by mistake.]'' :'''Lola''': Oh, no, Lotta! That's my letter to Father Christmas! And if you have got my letter to Father Christmas, that means Father Christmas won't know about my purse on a string, and he won't know that I really want Granny and Grandpa to come, and he won't bring the special surprise to Charlie! ''[gasps]'' Maybe he won't come at all! ''[sobbing like a 3 year old]'' WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[as the telephone rings]'' Ooh. That might be Father Christmas, to tell me he's got my letter. :''[Charlie giggles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': How many more minutes until Christmas? :'''Charlie''': Just time for some Christmas carols and then tomorrow it will be Christmas. :''[Lola giggles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': I told Mom all about the sky paper and how we saved Christmas, Charlie, and she said were very extremely clever. ===Everything is Different and Not the Same=== :'''Lola''': Everything needs to be exactly, extremely right going back to school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': ''[teaching Lola how to tie a shoelace]'' Over the top and down below, make a loop and away you go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': What's a conker? :'''Marv''': You know what a conker is, Lola. :'''Lola''': Mmm-mnh. :'''Marv''': Conkers are the best thing that happen in autumn or maybe they're the best thing all year. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lotta''': Our new desk is funny. :'''Lola''': It even smells funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''[sighs wearily]'' My new tights keep crinkling. I like my old tights. Ugh. And my shoelace has come undone. It's all because of autumn. Everything is different and not the same. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Autumn is going all wrong. Everything is different and not the same. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charlie''': Why won't you come out? :'''Lola''': We're hidinggating. :'''Charlie''': Why are you hibernating, Lola? Only animals are supposed to do that. :'''Lola''': Lotta and I are not coming out until spring. :'''Lotta''': Yep. :'''Lola''': Everything is different and wrong in autumn, Charlie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': Where's your itchy scarf, Lotta? :'''Lotta''': ''[whispers]'' Don't tell anyone, but I hid it in the time capsule. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lola''': ''♪ Autumn, autumn, autumn! ♪'' :'''Charlie''': I thought you didn't like autumn because everything changes! :'''Lola''': I changed my mind! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Ben Small (actor)|Ben Small]] as Charlie Sonner. * [[w:tara strong|tara strong]] as Lola Sonner. * [[w:Tim Whitnall|Tim Whitnall]] as Marv. * [[w:Teresa Gallagher|Teresa Gallagher]] as Lotta. * [[w:Keith Wickham|Keith Wickham]] as Soren Lorenson. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Charlie and Lola (TV series)}} [[Category:2000s UK animated TV shows]] [[Category:Flash animated TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:UK preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:UK TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:UK TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney Junior shows]] [[Category:TVOntario shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] kcd4n6wc99l1pz366jjxjeo9ecibfmw 14 227292 3944329 3399967 2026-05-23T01:04:24Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944329 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Main|The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series), The}} [[Category:The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Seasons]] [[Category:Canadian television seasons by series]] [[Category:American television seasons by series]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] ejyug8z3iv7uul1jwyd8wfde5afusgm 14 227293 3944324 2973282 2026-05-23T00:58:14Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944324 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series), The}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:YTV shows]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] 5hdddutc3lvni35y8siu5fezzmbu3h6 3944325 3944324 2026-05-23T01:00:44Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944325 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series), The}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:YTV shows]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] g52yzc5ege1o44q7ywowszgy4wzinz0 3944326 3944325 2026-05-23T01:01:04Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944326 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series), The}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:YTV shows]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] ic399rj52hws0l9jyogqdshxv8ck2v1 14 230975 3944391 2850645 2026-05-23T07:14:36Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Political parties of the United Kingdom]]; added [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944391 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Liberalism]] 1zr8qx6h04ipzs28gucgxxykkuf123i 0 240607 3944431 3851409 2026-05-23T11:08:03Z GrimRob 1187925 /* About Robert Lewandowski */ link 3944431 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Robert_Lewandowski_FCB.jpg|thumb|Robert Lewandowski in 2014]] '''[[w:Robert Lewandowski|Robert Lewandowski]]''' (born [[21 August]] [[1988]]) is a Polish professional footballer who plays as a striker for German footbal club [[w:FC Bayern Munich|Bayern Munich]] and is the captain of the [[w:Poland national football team|Poland national team]]. ==Quotes== *I thought that if I changed the things I did, it could help me play at a higher level for longer. I knew I could not expect immediate results. I did it because I had to try. I knew if I started at the top level a little later, I could be there for longer. *The professional player in me came out. The button changed from off to on, and I saw the difference between playing for fun and playing to win. You have to choose whether to have fun or whether to compete. *You can think: I have scored once, it’s enough,” he said. “You can lose focus, start freestyling. Or you can think I have scored once, so maybe I can score another. Is one enough, or do you want more? You need the button. **[https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/08/sports/soccer/bayern-munich-robert-lewandowski.html "The Making of a Goal Machine"] (May 8, 2021) * It's all about the balance of the team. That's the most important point, nothing else. For that reason, it's easy for me to adapt to several different styles of play. I know I have to adapt and play for the good of the team. For me, being a strong striker is not only about being a good goalscorer. * You might be surprised to find this out, but sweets were a big problem for me when I was younger. It didn't matter what it was, I couldn't walk past it without buying it. Now I've cut sweets out. It actually took me several years to get to this point. Now I don't really like sweets anymore. **[https://www.bundesliga.com/en/news/Bundesliga/noblmd09-fc-bayern-muenchen-robert-lewandowski-exclusive-interview.jsp "Lewandowski exclusive, pt II: 'We're stronger now'"] (2016) *I remember exactly. When I was six years old, there was only one idol for me: [[w:Roberto Baggio|Roberto Baggio]]! [[w:Alessandro Del Piero|Alessandro Del Piero]] later became my role model in football, and I admired him. However, I was not yet able to judge exactly what characterizes his style of play, I was just too young for that. **[https://www.bavarianfootballworks.com/2021/3/17/22336065/bayern-munich-robert-lewandowski-interview-lothar-matthaus-sport-bild-footballing-idols-best-player "Robert Lewandowski discusses his early footballing idols in interview with Lothar Matthäus"] (March 17, 2021) [[File:Lewandowski_2014.jpg|thumb]] *If you see what we did in this run it is amazing, spectacular — because we won everything that we could. This is something special.... All of these awards are the prizes for something special. *If I win something, I’m very proud and very happy but I cannot get it. ... Someone made the decision like that and life goes on. **[https://apnews.com/article/robert-lewandowski-champions-league-coronavirus-pandemic-soccer-europe-f36a56dd3d2ba55e7f44ca7f7bb728f6 "AP Interview: Lewandowski reflects on award-winning season"] (November 23, 2020) *For sure, as the captain, it’s something bigger. The expectation is higher. Playing for the national team is a responsibility. *I score so many goals, this means a lot. I know I will always be a little bit behind and I have to maybe work harder than those players for my country if we want to achieve something. It’s not an easy job for me, but I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. It’s a big chance. *My body is my work. You have to be patient. Maybe you don’t see the difference after a few months, but after a few years you will see why you can play longer and stay on a higher level longer. **[https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2021/06/16/robert-lewandowski-poland-euro-2020/ "Robert Lewandowski, a force for Bayern Munich, faces an uphill climb with underdog Poland"] (June 16, 2021) *A record is always something special for every athlete. And these 40 goals are so legendary that I still do not fully understand that I am on a par with such a legend as [[w:Gerd Müller|Gerd Müller]]. However, I wanted to break this record and surpass it by at least one goal. This step was my goal. But 40 goals make me proud of myself. I could not have dreamed that in one season you can score so many goals. *I cannot yet assess the significance of this achievement for my future life. Even a 40-goal moment is already something special. Until now, it was simply unthinkable for me that I would be able to reach this mark, although I always give my all until the end of the season to see what the final result will be. I was aware of the debate about whether I was worthy of surpassing the historical record of Gerd Müller or not. **[https://24hfootnews.com/robert-lewandowski-more-egoist-than-team-player/ "Kicker interviewing Robert Lewandowski, more egoist, than team player"] (May 28, 2021) *You don’t have much time. If you think too long or too much, sometimes that is wrong. If you have one idea and know it from the first minute, do it. Shoot. I had so little space in the box. Think too much, the defender comes to block you. [[File:Robert_Lewandowski_123799.jpg|thumb]] *Everything you do before the game, the routine is also important to keep the high-level concentration. The brain gets the information that something important is coming. He asked what I do. I said: ‘I don’t know, I do a few things.’ But before the next game I was more focused. Every time I put the left boot on first. *Before I had a lot of problems with my body language – being more a part of the game and training. My body language was the same. Sometimes you have to be more angry. For me that was never going to happen. *Sometimes you have to be there waiting for the ball and if you get it once in the 90 minutes you have to be ready. But I say: ‘I want to be part of the team, of the game, I want to move and pass and not just wait for the ball.’ That’s why I am always looking for space to get the ball and find my teammates. I can work on everything still. But one thing? Maybe to shoot from distance. **[https://www.theguardian.com/football/2020/feb/21/robert-lwenadowski-bayern-munich-guardiola-klopp-manchester-united "Robert Lewandowski: 'I still believe Bayern will win the Champions League final'"] (February 21, 2020) *Playing in the [[USA]]? I don't know because I don't know what does it mean for me and when. For sure, I know a lot about the MLS because a few Polish players and also German players was playing there, and they talk to me about the life but also about MLS and they make every year a step up. It means they want to be better and I don't know what does it mean exactly for me but I would say I'm very happy to be [at Bayern] and I don't think about so long future. **[https://www.mlssoccer.com/news/bayern-munichs-robert-lewandowski-talks-potential-mls-move-alphonso-davies-amazi "Bayern Munich's Robert Lewandowski talks potential MLS move, Alphonso Davies' "amazing potential""] (February 24, 2021) *My parents took my ambitions seriously. They took an hour each way to training. They were waiting for me, and when I wanted to go home alone, I took the bus from Warsaw to Leszno for two hours. When I was late, I had to seize an opportunity, sometimes someone took pity and took me away. *Money is important, but I didn't get carried away because ... I remember what it was like not to have the basics. However, I am glad that I was able to fulfill my childhood dreams. **[https://twojstyl.pl/artykul/trzeba-czasem-zdjac-zbroje-robert-lewndowski,aid,824 "Trzeba czasem zdjąć zbroję. Wywiad z Robertem Lewandowskim"] (August 25, 2020) ==About Robert Lewandowski== [[File:Robert_Lewandowski_2011.jpg|thumb]] *How he pushed himself to become the player he is today, that’s extraordinary. He took every step he needed to be that goal machine. Every one. **[[Jürgen Klopp]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/08/sports/soccer/bayern-munich-robert-lewandowski.html "The Making of a Goal Machine"] *Lewandowski is one of the best strikers, if not the best striker, in the world. **[[w:Milan Škriniar|Milan Škriniar]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2021/06/16/robert-lewandowski-poland-euro-2020/ "Robert Lewandowski, a force for Bayern Munich, faces an uphill climb with underdog Poland"] *He is the most professional player I have ever met. He is always there, never injured, because he focuses on these things. He always knows what is important to be in the best condition. But I was always very, very pleased with him, from the first moment [we met]. **[[Pep Guardiola]], [https://talksport.com/football/748415/robert-lewandowski-messi-quotes-guardiola-klopp/ "Lewandowski: ‘Lionel Messi’s successor’ was hailed by Pep Guardiola and Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp thinks he’s unbelievable"] *He is the complete striker that I often compare to – since I was myself a striker – to a phenomenon that I played against many times myself. ​[[w:Marco van Basten|Marco van Basten]]. At my time, Marco van Basten was the most complete forward in the world, in the late 80s and early 90s. And I think Robert Lewandowski put his stamp on the last decade like nobody else. **[[Jürgen Klinsmann]], [https://talksport.com/football/748415/robert-lewandowski-messi-quotes-guardiola-klopp/ "Lewandowski: ‘Lionel Messi’s successor’ was hailed by Pep Guardiola and Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp thinks he’s unbelievable"] *Technically he was always great, now he also has that cool head. The way he scored the goals is phenomenal. For me he is the best and most complete striker in the world at the moment. **[[w:İlkay Gündoğan|İlkay Gündoğan]], [https://talksport.com/football/748415/robert-lewandowski-messi-quotes-guardiola-klopp/ "Lewandowski: ‘Lionel Messi’s successor’ was hailed by Pep Guardiola and Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp thinks he’s unbelievable"] *He showed his quality again, although he does not have to prove his class to anyone. We have to see that he is at 100 per cent, and then he is enormously important to us. And that’s why the club are not letting him go. **[[w:Thomas Müller|Thomas Müller]], [https://talksport.com/football/748415/robert-lewandowski-messi-quotes-guardiola-klopp/ "Lewandowski: ‘Lionel Messi’s successor’ was hailed by Pep Guardiola and Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp thinks he’s unbelievable"] *Lewi has the most incredible body, it is just pure muscles. It just stuns the other players in the changing room. **[[w:Nuri Şahin|Nuri Şahin]], [https://talksport.com/football/748415/robert-lewandowski-messi-quotes-guardiola-klopp/ "Lewandowski: ‘Lionel Messi’s successor’ was hailed by Pep Guardiola and Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp thinks he’s unbelievable"] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Robert Lewandowski}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lewandowski, Robert}} [[Category:Football (soccer) players]] [[Category:Models]] [[Category:Catholics from Poland]] [[Category:Philanthropists]] [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Warsaw]] [[Category:UNICEF goodwill ambassadors]] 60qc19s7lulsybaop090cvd6tsqslt0 4 249475 3944446 3941654 2026-05-23T11:58:00Z Alexis Jazz 77985 Updating gadget usage statistics from [[Special:GadgetUsage]] ([[phab:T121049]]) 3944446 wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifexist:Project:GUS2Wiki/top|{{/top}}|This page provides a historical record of [[Special:GadgetUsage]] through its page history. To get the data in CSV format, see wikitext. To customize this message or add categories, create [[/top]].}} The following data is cached, and was last updated 2026-05-22T05:09:14Z. A maximum of {{PLURAL:5000|one result is|5000 results are}} available in the cache. {| class="sortable wikitable" ! Gadget !! data-sort-type="number" | Number of users !! data-sort-type="number" | Active users |- |Cat-a-lot || 180 || 11 |- |CategoryAboveAll || 1 || 1 |- |CleanDeleteReasons || 179 || 3 |- |EnhancedInterwikis || 381 || 5 |- |HideFundraisingNotice || 377 || 6 |- |HighlightAdmins || 505 || 9 |- |HotCat || 879 || 28 |- |UTCLiveClock || 658 || 11 |- |edittop || 566 || 11 |- |exlinks || 474 || 7 |- |hideimages || 75 || 0 |- |newpagesbox || 345 || 7 |- |recentchangesbox || 320 || 6 |- |sysopdectector || 518 || 11 |- |userMessages || 283 || 5 |} * [[Special:GadgetUsage]] * [[m:Meta:GUS2Wiki/Script|GUS2Wiki]] <!-- data in CSV format: Cat-a-lot,180,11 CategoryAboveAll,1,1 CleanDeleteReasons,179,3 EnhancedInterwikis,381,5 HideFundraisingNotice,377,6 HighlightAdmins,505,9 HotCat,879,28 UTCLiveClock,658,11 edittop,566,11 exlinks,474,7 hideimages,75,0 newpagesbox,345,7 recentchangesbox,320,6 sysopdectector,518,11 userMessages,283,5 --> 2hi7wgybv2jgk9kpy2uyfp9gxg0n3an 0 250620 3944192 3942136 2026-05-22T14:29:34Z Woofboy 2984402 /* Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor */ 3944192 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Andrew, Duke of York (cropped).jpg|thumb|I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are.]] '''[[w:Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor|Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor]]''', (Andrew Albert Christian Edward; born 19 February 1960), formerly known as '''Prince Andrew, Duke of York''', is the third child and second son of Queen [[Elizabeth II]] and [[Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]; his elder brother is King [[Charles III]]. A former close associate of [[Jeffrey Epstein]], in February 2026, Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested on suspicion of [[w:Malfeasance in office|misconduct in public office]]. Andrew served in the [[Royal Navy]] as a helicopter pilot, the captain of a warship and saw active service during the [[Falklands War]]. In 1986, he married [[Sarah Ferguson]] and became Duke of York. They have two daughters: [[Princess Beatrice|Beatrice]] and [[Princess Eugenie|Eugenie]]. The couple separated in 1992, and divorced in 1996. As Duke of York, Andrew undertook official duties and engagements on behalf of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He served as the UK's Special Representative for International Trade and Investment for 10 years until July 2011. [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (originally Roberts) claimed that, as a 17-year old, she was sex trafficked to Prince Andrew by the American financier and convicted sex offender [[Jeffrey Epstein]]. The prince denied any wrongdoing. Following criticism for his association with Epstein and his interview with [[w:Emily Maitlis|Emily Maitlis]] in a November 2019 special edition of ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'', he resigned from public roles in May 2020, and his honorary military affiliations and royal charitable patronages were returned to his mother in January 2022. He was the defendant in a civil lawsuit over sexual assault filed by Giuffre in the State of New York, which was settled out of court in February 2022. He renounced his titles of Duke of York, GCVO, and KG in October 2025, though legally he still holds them, and lost his right to be described as a prince. His arrest in 2026 followed allegations over his former role as UK trade envoy and his contacts with Jeffrey Epstein. ==Quotes== * It’s a simple answer. That’s my life. That’s what I expect. Right? That is because of who I am and that is because of the life of the family within which I’ve been brought up. So to me this state of affairs is not extraordinary. To anybody else who looks in, they think I’m bloody mad! But that’s what we do. ** From Andrew Edgecliffe-Johnson, [https://www.ft.com/content/72c219cc-bf63-11de-a696-00144feab49a "Dinner with the FT: Prince Andrew"], ''Financial Times'' (23 October 2009) ** Describing his view of the his role as a member of the Royal Family fulfilling hundreds of engagements each year. * Please make sure that every statement or legal letter states clearly that I am NOT involved and that I knew and know NOTHING about any of these allegations. I can't take any more of this my end. ** From an email to [[Jeffrey Epstein]] and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (March 2011), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cglgj08erywo.amp "Epstein email says Andrew had photo taken with Virginia Giuffre"], ''BBC News'' (13 November 2025) ** The 2001 photograph of Mountbatten-Windsor, Maxwell and Virginia Roberts Giuffre at Maxwell's London home was about to be published by ''The Mail on Sunday'' * I'm just as concerned for you! Don't worry about me! It would seem we are in this together and will have to rise above it. Otherwise keep in close touch and we'll play some more soon!!!! :A, HRH The Duke of York, KG. ** From an email to Jeffrey Epstein (sent 28 February 2011), following the publication of a photography of Mountbatten-Windsor and Virginia Roberts Giuffre. Quoted in Robert Booth, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/oct/12/prince-andrew-told-jeffrey-epstein-were-in-this-together-in-2011-email Prince Andrew told Jeffrey Epstein 'we're in this together' in 2011 email]' (12 October 2025), ''The Guardian'' * Well, if you'll pardon the expression, that really is the n***** in the woodpile ** When asked if the department of trade could be doing a better job, as recorded by Rohan Silva in '[https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/prince-andrew-rohan-silva-language-a4289571.html Rohan Silva: Prince Andrew’s use of language left me reeling — and I still regret not challenging his choice of words]' (2019), ''Evening Standard'' * I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are. ** Attributed in Marina Hyde, [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/aug/10/prince-andrew-sweating-lawsuit-duke-york-virginia-giuffre "Of course Prince Andrew isn’t sweating over this lawsuit – he can’t"], ''The Guardian'' (11 August 2021) * [On his military service during the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands War]] in 1982] So whilst I think back to a day when a young man went to war, full of bravado, I returned a changed man. * I put away childish things and false bravado and returned a man full in the knowledge of human frailty and suffering. * My reflection makes me think even harder and pray even more fervently for those in conflict today, for those family’s [sic] torn apart by the horrors they have witnessed. **Comments on the Instagram account of his ex-wife, [[Sarah Ferguson]] (March 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/apr/02/i-returned-a-changed-man-prince-andrew-reflects-on-his-falklands-war-service "I returned a changed man’: Prince Andrew deletes Falklands war post"], ''The Guardian'' (2 April 2022) ==="[[w:Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal|Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal]]" (2019)=== :<small>'''''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019).'''</small> *[T]he people that I met and the opportunities that I was given to learn either by him or because of him were actually very useful. *I kick myself for, on a daily basis, because it was not something that was becoming of a member of the royal family [...] And we try and uphold the highest standards and practices and I let the side down, simple as that. **[https://time.com/5731244/prince-andrew-interview-epstein/ "Prince Andrew Says He Doesn't Regret His 'Very Useful' Relationship With Jeffrey Epstein"] ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine (18 November 2019) cited from ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019) * [On his alleged meetings with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]], his accuser] I don't know if I've met her but no, I have no recollection of meeting her. * [[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/feb/15/virginia-giuffre-prince-andrew-picture-settlement-lawsuit On the 2001 photograph of himself] with Giuffre (then Roberts) and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I have absolutely no memory of that photograph ever being taken. * [Asked on how the photograph might have been faked] I don't believe it's a picture of me in London because . . . when I go out in London I wear a suit and tie. [...] Nobody can prove whether or not that photograph has been doctored but I don't recollect that photograph ever being taken. [...] I'm at a loss to explain this particular photograph. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/prince-andrew-interview-ive-got-to-have-a-thick-skin-and-get-on-with-it-sgcqwqwlr "Prince Andrew interview: 'I've got to have a thick skin and get on with it'"], ''The Sunday Times'' (London, 16 November 2019) ** See ''[[w:Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew|Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew]]'' for her civil litigation against the Prince. [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/15/nyregion/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-settlement.html The case was resolved out of court] in February 2022 without the Prince admitting liability; he was never criminally charged. [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-60397947 The financial settlement] was not disclosed, but was said to run into millions of pounds. * If you're a man it is a positive act to have sex with somebody [...] You have to … take some sort of positive action and so therefore if you try to forget it’s very difficult to try and forget a positive action and I do not remember anything. * [Explaining that he could not have had sex with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (then Roberts) at the [[London]] home of [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a [[w:PizzaExpress|Pizza Express]] in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there. * [Explaining why he stayed at the New York home of [[Jeffrey Epstein|Epstein]], a convicted child sex offender, in 2010.] It was a convenient place to stay... At the end of the day, with the benefit of all the hindsight one can have, it was definitely the wrong thing to do. But at the time, I felt it was the honourable and right thing to do. And I admit fully that my judgment was probably coloured by my tendency to be too honourable but that is just the way it is. ** Cited in Jamie Doward [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/nov/16/prince-andrew-denies-sex-with-teenager-as-at-home-after-pizza-party "Prince Andrew: I didn’t have sex with teenager, I was home after Pizza Express in Woking"] ''The Guardian'' (17 November 2019). * [Explaining why Virginia Giuffre's allegations against him of sexual assault couldn't be believed.] I didn’t sweat at the time because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the [[Falklands War]], when I was shot at ... it was almost impossible for me to sweat. **Quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/prince-andrew-jeffrey-epstein-sweat-allegations-pizza-expresss-a9208496.html "Prince Andrew claimed he ‘didn’t sweat’ in BBC interview... but what does science say?], ''The Independent'' (26 Nov 2019) ==Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor== * I met him [Prince Andrew] several times, including once at a state banquet where after dinner, I and my husband and another Labour cabinet minister had a drink with him, and I have to say the conversation left us slack-jawed with the things that he felt it was appropriate to say. :It was a state dinner for the Saudi royal family and he made racist comments about Arabs that were unbelievable. :The fact he thought we might find this amusing was sort of a terrible situation to be in. I don’t think he’s very bright. I don’t think he really understands the way in which he behaves. He’s the worst end of the royal family, I think. :I am not going to tell you exactly what he said but it involved a comment about camels. It is as worse as you could imagine. ** Former home secretary Jacqui Smith on LBC, as quoted in Chris Baynes, '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/prince-andrew-racist-arabs-saudi-royal-family-dinner-jacqui-smith-epstein-a9209391.html Prince Andrew made racist comments about Arabs at Buckingham Palace dinner, claims former home secretary]' (2019), ''The Independent'' * It had about 50 or 60 stuffed toys positioned on the bed. And, basically, there was a card the inspector showed us in a drawer, and it was a picture of these [[w:teddy bear|bears]] all in situ on the bed. And the reason for the laminated picture was that, if those bears weren’t put back in the right order by the maids, he would shout and scream and become verbally abusive. ** Former royal protection officer Paul Page on the duke's private apartment, speaking in the ITV programme ''Ghislaine, Prince Andrew and the Paedophile'', quoted in '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/ghislaine-maxwell-itv-page-prince-two-b1994572.html Andrew's teddy bear collection was not to be disturbed, claims documentary]', ''The Independent'' (17 January 2022) [[File:Jacques-Louis David - Marie Antoinette on the Way to the Guillotine.jpg|thumb|"The Widow [[w:House of Capet|Capet]]" ~ [[Peter Hitchens]] and [[Mary Kenny]]]] * Andrew, unfortunately, exhibited classic symptoms of what is scientifically recognised as the [[w:Dunning–Kruger effect|Dunning-Kruger effect]], the cognitive bias in which people come to believe that they are smarter and more capable than they really are. The combination of minimal self-awareness and dim wattage leads sufferers of this condition to overestimate their own capabilities. Years of enjoying unearned obeisance to his royal position allowed Andrew to bang on with a combination of overweening self-confidence and unchallenged ignorance. It also made him an easy mark for con men and crooks. ** [[Tina Brown]], extract from her book ''The Palace Papers'', as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2022/04/11/jeffrey-epstein-told-people-prince-andrew-idiot-useful-one/ "'Jeffrey Epstein told people that Prince Andrew was an idiot – but a useful one'"], ''The Telegraph'' (11 April 2022) * I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office.<br />What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and by the appropriate authorities. In this, as I have said before, they have our full and wholehearted support and co-operation. Let me state clearly: the law must take its course.<br />As this process continues, it would not be right for me to comment further on this matter. Meanwhile, my family and I will continue in our duty and service to you all. ** [[Charles III|Charles R]] (as signed), statement cited in [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/royal-family/article/andrew-arrested-misconduct-public-office-sandringham-5k6nzwjr2 "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor arrested for misconduct in public office"], ''The Times'' {19 February 2026). ** The former prince was arrested on what was his 66th birthday. :On 10 March 2001 we were in London, staying at [Ghislaine] Maxwell’s pied-à-terre – a white mews house a short walk from Hyde Park. :In the years since, I've thought a lot about how he behaved. He was friendly enough, but still entitled – as if he believed having sex with me was his birthright. I drew him a hot bath. We disrobed and got in the tub, but didn't stay there long because the prince was eager to get to the bed. He was particularly attentive to my feet, caressing my toes and licking my arches. That was a first for me, and it tickled. I was nervous he would want me to do the same to him. But I needn't have worried. He seemed in a rush to have intercourse. Afterward, he said thank you in his clipped British accent. In my memory, the whole thing lasted less than half an hour.<br />The next morning, Maxwell told me: "You did well. The prince had fun." Epstein would give me $15,000 for servicing the man the tabloids called “Randy Andy”. :My second encounter with Prince Andrew took place about a month later, at Epstein's townhouse in New York. Epstein greeted Andrew and brought him to the living room, where Maxwell and I were sitting. Another one of their victims, Johanna Sjoberg, arrived soon afterward. Maxwell then announced to the prince that she'd purchased him a joke gift, a puppet that looked just like him. She suggested we pose for a photo with it. The prince and I sat down next to each other on the couch, and Maxwell put the puppet in my lap, positioning one of its hands on one of my breasts. Then she put Sjoberg on the prince's lap, and the prince put his hand on Sjoberg's breast. The symbolism was impossible to ignore. Johanna and I were Maxwell and Epstein's puppets, and they were pulling the strings. :I don't know exactly when I had sex with Prince Andrew for the third time, but I do know the location: a 72-acre island Epstein owned in the US Virgin Islands. The private sanctuary, right next to Saint Thomas island, was called Little Saint James, but Epstein liked to call it "Little Saint Jeff's". I also know that it was not just the two of us this time; it was an orgy. "I was around 18," I said in a sworn declaration in 2015. "Epstein, Andy, and approximately eight other young girls and I had sex together. The other girls all appeared to be under the age of 18 and didn't really speak English. Epstein laughed about how they couldn’t really communicate, saying they are the easiest girls to get along with."<br />Since I gave that account, Epstein’s pilot has said in a deposition that a coded notation ("AP") that he made on his flight log for 4 July 2001, referred to Prince Andrew. He said that Epstein, the prince, another woman and I flew from Saint Thomas that day back to Palm Beach. I guess it's possible that the orgy I remember occurred in the days leading up to that flight, which would mean I was still 17. I'll probably never know the date for certain. What I do know, because Epstein told me, is that [[w:Jean-Luc Brunel|Jean-Luc Brunel]], the French modelling agent who was also in attendance, supplied the other girls who took part. ** [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Roberts Giuffre]] ''Nobody’s Girl: A Memoir of Surviving Abuse and Fighting for Justice'' (Doubleday (UK)/Alfred A Knopf (US)/Penguin Random House (Aus), 2025), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/oct/15/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-abuse-epstein-maxwell "'Prince Andrew believed having sex with me was his birthright': Virginia Giuffre on her abuse at the hands of Epstein, Maxwell and the king's brother"], ''The Guardian'' (15 October 2025) *a "highly classified" report from an unnamed US security service exposes how Andrew was viewed as a "useful idiot" and the Royal family's "weak link" by Russian agents. The spies exploited the former Duke of York's view that he would make a better king than his older brother, alleged the report, alongside his desire for "financial, sexual, and personal reward". [...] A source said: "It [the report] says that Russian intelligence developed networks using figures such as Jeffrey Epstein for access to political and business leaders and to control any possible domestic law enforcement actions. It states that 'Andrew Mountbatten Windsor (AMW) was cultivated by Russian intelligence in order to have a figure close to the British Royal Family." [...] "AMW was not blackmailed or otherwise coerced into this role - rather he was a willing participant in these schemes due to financial, sexual and personal reward. Russian intelligence used AMW's sexual proclivities to establish a relationship rapport in order to exploit this mental condition for further gain." ** Rebecca Henrys, '[https://www.lbc.co.uk/article/andrew-russia-epstein-charles-5HjdTcC_2/ Andrew 'targeted by Russian spies' who exploited his 'hatred' of Charles]' (27 February 2026), LBC * Is this a [[Marie Antoinette|Marie-Antoinette]] moment for the British monarchy? What first triggered animosity against the queen of France was a slew of excited publications stressing her extravagance and indulgence in flagrant luxury, as well as her alleged sexual decadence (an entirely false claim). Before being guillotined, her name was humiliatingly demoted – just like Andrew's – to "the Widow Capet". ** [[Mary Kenny]], [https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/mary-kenny-has-andrew-brought-the-british-royal-family-to-its-marie-antoinette-moment/a7899354.html "Has Andrew brought the British royal family to its Marie-Antoinette moment?"], ''[[w:Irish Independent|Irish Independent]]'' (8 November 2025). Echoing earlier comments by [[Peter Hitchens]] from an interview on {{w|Times Radio}} (1 November 2025): "I'll be accused...of defending "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor", as we must now call him, in French-Revolutionary style, as I think Marie Antoinette ended up being called "The Widow Capet" in the same fashion." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HkGEOkYkgY&t=239s] * Andrew's room service demands soon came to the attention of [[w:Andrew MacGregor Marshall|Andrew MacGregor Marshall]], Reuters' [[Thailand]] correspondent who had friends and connections in the hotel: ::During his short stay, more than forty women were brought to his room. Often, as soon as one left, another would arrive. Hotel staff were amazed - they ware used to foreigners bringing girls to their room, but more than ten a day were going to Andrew's room. And this was all juggled amid official engagements. :[...] Many speak of how Andrew's staff often requested that attractive women be invited to events, with a private secretary specifying, 'He likes blondes', to which one consul replied, 'I'm a diplomat, not a pimp.' ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * One bean-counter had complained about Andrew's expenses, querying whether he could put massages on the taxpayer's tab, and it was pushed through. We’ve been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * the duke didn't relate well to less senior contacts or staff. 'He didn't seem to understand the responsibilities or accountability that came with his status, or think through the consequences of what he said for those with less privilege,' said the ambassador. Although as a senior royal, Andrew was a high-ranking asset, he was also a liability who had to be managed, self-centred and showed little interest in the problems of others. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * I know that Epstein was a Soviet asset. There's a huge national security scandal here of penetration. [...] Keep it to the sexual side – everyone understands that bit – and certainly not go anywhere near the national security scandal. The plan [of the palace], I think, at the moment, is to throw Andrew to the wolves. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * In 2001 I was in London when [redacted] met a number of friends of mine including Prince Andrew. A photograph was taken as I imagine she wanted to show it to friends and family. ** [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] in an email to Jeffrey Epstein (2015), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgp2xx7gxjo "Email appears to confirm Andrew and Virginia Giuffre photo is real"], ''BBC News'' (4 February 2026). ** From a document released by the [[w:United States Department of Justice|U.S. Department of Justice]] contained in the [[w:Epstein files|Epstein files]]. * Putin could finish Andrew (and the Royal Family) anytime he likes with photos, tales and evidence he no doubt has on Andrew in Russia. ** Tim Reilly, vice-president of [[Kroll Inc.|Kroll Inc.]], quoted in [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * Mountbatten-Windsor at school was known for being a bully, a loner, supercilious, entitled, indulged. One story from [[w:Heatherdown School|Heatherdown]] says that he took someone's exotic stamp collection, simply crossed their name out and wrote in his own, and was never punished. ** Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer] (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mountbatten-Windsor, Andrew}} [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:House of Windsor]] 0ney281rwmjdj73v32gs35nx8nk7cid 3944193 3944192 2026-05-22T14:31:21Z Woofboy 2984402 /* Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor */ 3944193 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Andrew, Duke of York (cropped).jpg|thumb|I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are.]] '''[[w:Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor|Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor]]''', (Andrew Albert Christian Edward; born 19 February 1960), formerly known as '''Prince Andrew, Duke of York''', is the third child and second son of Queen [[Elizabeth II]] and [[Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]; his elder brother is King [[Charles III]]. A former close associate of [[Jeffrey Epstein]], in February 2026, Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested on suspicion of [[w:Malfeasance in office|misconduct in public office]]. Andrew served in the [[Royal Navy]] as a helicopter pilot, the captain of a warship and saw active service during the [[Falklands War]]. In 1986, he married [[Sarah Ferguson]] and became Duke of York. They have two daughters: [[Princess Beatrice|Beatrice]] and [[Princess Eugenie|Eugenie]]. The couple separated in 1992, and divorced in 1996. As Duke of York, Andrew undertook official duties and engagements on behalf of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He served as the UK's Special Representative for International Trade and Investment for 10 years until July 2011. [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (originally Roberts) claimed that, as a 17-year old, she was sex trafficked to Prince Andrew by the American financier and convicted sex offender [[Jeffrey Epstein]]. The prince denied any wrongdoing. Following criticism for his association with Epstein and his interview with [[w:Emily Maitlis|Emily Maitlis]] in a November 2019 special edition of ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'', he resigned from public roles in May 2020, and his honorary military affiliations and royal charitable patronages were returned to his mother in January 2022. He was the defendant in a civil lawsuit over sexual assault filed by Giuffre in the State of New York, which was settled out of court in February 2022. He renounced his titles of Duke of York, GCVO, and KG in October 2025, though legally he still holds them, and lost his right to be described as a prince. His arrest in 2026 followed allegations over his former role as UK trade envoy and his contacts with Jeffrey Epstein. ==Quotes== * It’s a simple answer. That’s my life. That’s what I expect. Right? That is because of who I am and that is because of the life of the family within which I’ve been brought up. So to me this state of affairs is not extraordinary. To anybody else who looks in, they think I’m bloody mad! But that’s what we do. ** From Andrew Edgecliffe-Johnson, [https://www.ft.com/content/72c219cc-bf63-11de-a696-00144feab49a "Dinner with the FT: Prince Andrew"], ''Financial Times'' (23 October 2009) ** Describing his view of the his role as a member of the Royal Family fulfilling hundreds of engagements each year. * Please make sure that every statement or legal letter states clearly that I am NOT involved and that I knew and know NOTHING about any of these allegations. I can't take any more of this my end. ** From an email to [[Jeffrey Epstein]] and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (March 2011), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cglgj08erywo.amp "Epstein email says Andrew had photo taken with Virginia Giuffre"], ''BBC News'' (13 November 2025) ** The 2001 photograph of Mountbatten-Windsor, Maxwell and Virginia Roberts Giuffre at Maxwell's London home was about to be published by ''The Mail on Sunday'' * I'm just as concerned for you! Don't worry about me! It would seem we are in this together and will have to rise above it. Otherwise keep in close touch and we'll play some more soon!!!! :A, HRH The Duke of York, KG. ** From an email to Jeffrey Epstein (sent 28 February 2011), following the publication of a photography of Mountbatten-Windsor and Virginia Roberts Giuffre. Quoted in Robert Booth, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/oct/12/prince-andrew-told-jeffrey-epstein-were-in-this-together-in-2011-email Prince Andrew told Jeffrey Epstein 'we're in this together' in 2011 email]' (12 October 2025), ''The Guardian'' * Well, if you'll pardon the expression, that really is the n***** in the woodpile ** When asked if the department of trade could be doing a better job, as recorded by Rohan Silva in '[https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/prince-andrew-rohan-silva-language-a4289571.html Rohan Silva: Prince Andrew’s use of language left me reeling — and I still regret not challenging his choice of words]' (2019), ''Evening Standard'' * I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are. ** Attributed in Marina Hyde, [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/aug/10/prince-andrew-sweating-lawsuit-duke-york-virginia-giuffre "Of course Prince Andrew isn’t sweating over this lawsuit – he can’t"], ''The Guardian'' (11 August 2021) * [On his military service during the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands War]] in 1982] So whilst I think back to a day when a young man went to war, full of bravado, I returned a changed man. * I put away childish things and false bravado and returned a man full in the knowledge of human frailty and suffering. * My reflection makes me think even harder and pray even more fervently for those in conflict today, for those family’s [sic] torn apart by the horrors they have witnessed. **Comments on the Instagram account of his ex-wife, [[Sarah Ferguson]] (March 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/apr/02/i-returned-a-changed-man-prince-andrew-reflects-on-his-falklands-war-service "I returned a changed man’: Prince Andrew deletes Falklands war post"], ''The Guardian'' (2 April 2022) ==="[[w:Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal|Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal]]" (2019)=== :<small>'''''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019).'''</small> *[T]he people that I met and the opportunities that I was given to learn either by him or because of him were actually very useful. *I kick myself for, on a daily basis, because it was not something that was becoming of a member of the royal family [...] And we try and uphold the highest standards and practices and I let the side down, simple as that. **[https://time.com/5731244/prince-andrew-interview-epstein/ "Prince Andrew Says He Doesn't Regret His 'Very Useful' Relationship With Jeffrey Epstein"] ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine (18 November 2019) cited from ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019) * [On his alleged meetings with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]], his accuser] I don't know if I've met her but no, I have no recollection of meeting her. * [[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/feb/15/virginia-giuffre-prince-andrew-picture-settlement-lawsuit On the 2001 photograph of himself] with Giuffre (then Roberts) and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I have absolutely no memory of that photograph ever being taken. * [Asked on how the photograph might have been faked] I don't believe it's a picture of me in London because . . . when I go out in London I wear a suit and tie. [...] Nobody can prove whether or not that photograph has been doctored but I don't recollect that photograph ever being taken. [...] I'm at a loss to explain this particular photograph. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/prince-andrew-interview-ive-got-to-have-a-thick-skin-and-get-on-with-it-sgcqwqwlr "Prince Andrew interview: 'I've got to have a thick skin and get on with it'"], ''The Sunday Times'' (London, 16 November 2019) ** See ''[[w:Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew|Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew]]'' for her civil litigation against the Prince. [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/15/nyregion/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-settlement.html The case was resolved out of court] in February 2022 without the Prince admitting liability; he was never criminally charged. [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-60397947 The financial settlement] was not disclosed, but was said to run into millions of pounds. * If you're a man it is a positive act to have sex with somebody [...] You have to … take some sort of positive action and so therefore if you try to forget it’s very difficult to try and forget a positive action and I do not remember anything. * [Explaining that he could not have had sex with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (then Roberts) at the [[London]] home of [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a [[w:PizzaExpress|Pizza Express]] in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there. * [Explaining why he stayed at the New York home of [[Jeffrey Epstein|Epstein]], a convicted child sex offender, in 2010.] It was a convenient place to stay... At the end of the day, with the benefit of all the hindsight one can have, it was definitely the wrong thing to do. But at the time, I felt it was the honourable and right thing to do. And I admit fully that my judgment was probably coloured by my tendency to be too honourable but that is just the way it is. ** Cited in Jamie Doward [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/nov/16/prince-andrew-denies-sex-with-teenager-as-at-home-after-pizza-party "Prince Andrew: I didn’t have sex with teenager, I was home after Pizza Express in Woking"] ''The Guardian'' (17 November 2019). * [Explaining why Virginia Giuffre's allegations against him of sexual assault couldn't be believed.] I didn’t sweat at the time because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the [[Falklands War]], when I was shot at ... it was almost impossible for me to sweat. **Quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/prince-andrew-jeffrey-epstein-sweat-allegations-pizza-expresss-a9208496.html "Prince Andrew claimed he ‘didn’t sweat’ in BBC interview... but what does science say?], ''The Independent'' (26 Nov 2019) ==Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor== * I met him [Prince Andrew] several times, including once at a state banquet where after dinner, I and my husband and another Labour cabinet minister had a drink with him, and I have to say the conversation left us slack-jawed with the things that he felt it was appropriate to say. :It was a state dinner for the Saudi royal family and he made racist comments about Arabs that were unbelievable. :The fact he thought we might find this amusing was sort of a terrible situation to be in. I don’t think he’s very bright. I don’t think he really understands the way in which he behaves. He’s the worst end of the royal family, I think. :I am not going to tell you exactly what he said but it involved a comment about camels. It is as worse as you could imagine. ** Former home secretary Jacqui Smith on LBC, as quoted in Chris Baynes, '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/prince-andrew-racist-arabs-saudi-royal-family-dinner-jacqui-smith-epstein-a9209391.html Prince Andrew made racist comments about Arabs at Buckingham Palace dinner, claims former home secretary]' (2019), ''The Independent'' * It had about 50 or 60 stuffed toys positioned on the bed. And, basically, there was a card the inspector showed us in a drawer, and it was a picture of these [[w:teddy bear|bears]] all in situ on the bed. And the reason for the laminated picture was that, if those bears weren’t put back in the right order by the maids, he would shout and scream and become verbally abusive. ** Former royal protection officer Paul Page on the duke's private apartment, speaking in the ITV programme ''Ghislaine, Prince Andrew and the Paedophile'', quoted in '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/ghislaine-maxwell-itv-page-prince-two-b1994572.html Andrew's teddy bear collection was not to be disturbed, claims documentary]', ''The Independent'' (17 January 2022) [[File:Jacques-Louis David - Marie Antoinette on the Way to the Guillotine.jpg|thumb|"The Widow [[w:House of Capet|Capet]]" ~ [[Peter Hitchens]] and [[Mary Kenny]]]] * Andrew, unfortunately, exhibited classic symptoms of what is scientifically recognised as the [[w:Dunning–Kruger effect|Dunning-Kruger effect]], the cognitive bias in which people come to believe that they are smarter and more capable than they really are. The combination of minimal self-awareness and dim wattage leads sufferers of this condition to overestimate their own capabilities. Years of enjoying unearned obeisance to his royal position allowed Andrew to bang on with a combination of overweening self-confidence and unchallenged ignorance. It also made him an easy mark for con men and crooks. ** [[Tina Brown]], extract from her book ''The Palace Papers'', as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2022/04/11/jeffrey-epstein-told-people-prince-andrew-idiot-useful-one/ "'Jeffrey Epstein told people that Prince Andrew was an idiot – but a useful one'"], ''The Telegraph'' (11 April 2022) * I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office.<br />What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and by the appropriate authorities. In this, as I have said before, they have our full and wholehearted support and co-operation. Let me state clearly: the law must take its course.<br />As this process continues, it would not be right for me to comment further on this matter. Meanwhile, my family and I will continue in our duty and service to you all. ** [[Charles III|Charles R]] (as signed), statement cited in [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/royal-family/article/andrew-arrested-misconduct-public-office-sandringham-5k6nzwjr2 "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor arrested for misconduct in public office"], ''The Times'' {19 February 2026). ** The former prince was arrested on what was his 66th birthday. *On 10 March 2001 we were in London, staying at [Ghislaine] Maxwell’s pied-à-terre – a white mews house a short walk from Hyde Park. :In the years since, I've thought a lot about how he behaved. He was friendly enough, but still entitled – as if he believed having sex with me was his birthright. I drew him a hot bath. We disrobed and got in the tub, but didn't stay there long because the prince was eager to get to the bed. He was particularly attentive to my feet, caressing my toes and licking my arches. That was a first for me, and it tickled. I was nervous he would want me to do the same to him. But I needn't have worried. He seemed in a rush to have intercourse. Afterward, he said thank you in his clipped British accent. In my memory, the whole thing lasted less than half an hour.<br />The next morning, Maxwell told me: "You did well. The prince had fun." Epstein would give me $15,000 for servicing the man the tabloids called “Randy Andy”. :My second encounter with Prince Andrew took place about a month later, at Epstein's townhouse in New York. Epstein greeted Andrew and brought him to the living room, where Maxwell and I were sitting. Another one of their victims, Johanna Sjoberg, arrived soon afterward. Maxwell then announced to the prince that she'd purchased him a joke gift, a puppet that looked just like him. She suggested we pose for a photo with it. The prince and I sat down next to each other on the couch, and Maxwell put the puppet in my lap, positioning one of its hands on one of my breasts. Then she put Sjoberg on the prince's lap, and the prince put his hand on Sjoberg's breast. The symbolism was impossible to ignore. Johanna and I were Maxwell and Epstein's puppets, and they were pulling the strings. :I don't know exactly when I had sex with Prince Andrew for the third time, but I do know the location: a 72-acre island Epstein owned in the US Virgin Islands. The private sanctuary, right next to Saint Thomas island, was called Little Saint James, but Epstein liked to call it "Little Saint Jeff's". I also know that it was not just the two of us this time; it was an orgy. "I was around 18," I said in a sworn declaration in 2015. "Epstein, Andy, and approximately eight other young girls and I had sex together. The other girls all appeared to be under the age of 18 and didn't really speak English. Epstein laughed about how they couldn’t really communicate, saying they are the easiest girls to get along with."<br />Since I gave that account, Epstein’s pilot has said in a deposition that a coded notation ("AP") that he made on his flight log for 4 July 2001, referred to Prince Andrew. He said that Epstein, the prince, another woman and I flew from Saint Thomas that day back to Palm Beach. I guess it's possible that the orgy I remember occurred in the days leading up to that flight, which would mean I was still 17. I'll probably never know the date for certain. What I do know, because Epstein told me, is that [[w:Jean-Luc Brunel|Jean-Luc Brunel]], the French modelling agent who was also in attendance, supplied the other girls who took part. ** [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Roberts Giuffre]] ''Nobody’s Girl: A Memoir of Surviving Abuse and Fighting for Justice'' (Doubleday (UK)/Alfred A Knopf (US)/Penguin Random House (Aus), 2025), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/oct/15/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-abuse-epstein-maxwell "'Prince Andrew believed having sex with me was his birthright': Virginia Giuffre on her abuse at the hands of Epstein, Maxwell and the king's brother"], ''The Guardian'' (15 October 2025) *a "highly classified" report from an unnamed US security service exposes how Andrew was viewed as a "useful idiot" and the Royal family's "weak link" by Russian agents. The spies exploited the former Duke of York's view that he would make a better king than his older brother, alleged the report, alongside his desire for "financial, sexual, and personal reward". [...] A source said: "It [the report] says that Russian intelligence developed networks using figures such as Jeffrey Epstein for access to political and business leaders and to control any possible domestic law enforcement actions. It states that 'Andrew Mountbatten Windsor (AMW) was cultivated by Russian intelligence in order to have a figure close to the British Royal Family." [...] "AMW was not blackmailed or otherwise coerced into this role - rather he was a willing participant in these schemes due to financial, sexual and personal reward. Russian intelligence used AMW's sexual proclivities to establish a relationship rapport in order to exploit this mental condition for further gain." ** Rebecca Henrys, '[https://www.lbc.co.uk/article/andrew-russia-epstein-charles-5HjdTcC_2/ Andrew 'targeted by Russian spies' who exploited his 'hatred' of Charles]' (27 February 2026), LBC * Is this a [[Marie Antoinette|Marie-Antoinette]] moment for the British monarchy? What first triggered animosity against the queen of France was a slew of excited publications stressing her extravagance and indulgence in flagrant luxury, as well as her alleged sexual decadence (an entirely false claim). Before being guillotined, her name was humiliatingly demoted – just like Andrew's – to "the Widow Capet". ** [[Mary Kenny]], [https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/mary-kenny-has-andrew-brought-the-british-royal-family-to-its-marie-antoinette-moment/a7899354.html "Has Andrew brought the British royal family to its Marie-Antoinette moment?"], ''[[w:Irish Independent|Irish Independent]]'' (8 November 2025). Echoing earlier comments by [[Peter Hitchens]] from an interview on {{w|Times Radio}} (1 November 2025): "I'll be accused...of defending "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor", as we must now call him, in French-Revolutionary style, as I think Marie Antoinette ended up being called "The Widow Capet" in the same fashion." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HkGEOkYkgY&t=239s] * Andrew's room service demands soon came to the attention of [[w:Andrew MacGregor Marshall|Andrew MacGregor Marshall]], Reuters' [[Thailand]] correspondent who had friends and connections in the hotel: ::During his short stay, more than forty women were brought to his room. Often, as soon as one left, another would arrive. Hotel staff were amazed - they ware used to foreigners bringing girls to their room, but more than ten a day were going to Andrew's room. And this was all juggled amid official engagements. :[...] Many speak of how Andrew's staff often requested that attractive women be invited to events, with a private secretary specifying, 'He likes blondes', to which one consul replied, 'I'm a diplomat, not a pimp.' ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * One bean-counter had complained about Andrew's expenses, querying whether he could put massages on the taxpayer's tab, and it was pushed through. We’ve been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * the duke didn't relate well to less senior contacts or staff. 'He didn't seem to understand the responsibilities or accountability that came with his status, or think through the consequences of what he said for those with less privilege,' said the ambassador. Although as a senior royal, Andrew was a high-ranking asset, he was also a liability who had to be managed, self-centred and showed little interest in the problems of others. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * I know that Epstein was a Soviet asset. There's a huge national security scandal here of penetration. [...] Keep it to the sexual side – everyone understands that bit – and certainly not go anywhere near the national security scandal. The plan [of the palace], I think, at the moment, is to throw Andrew to the wolves. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * In 2001 I was in London when [redacted] met a number of friends of mine including Prince Andrew. A photograph was taken as I imagine she wanted to show it to friends and family. ** [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] in an email to Jeffrey Epstein (2015), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgp2xx7gxjo "Email appears to confirm Andrew and Virginia Giuffre photo is real"], ''BBC News'' (4 February 2026). ** From a document released by the [[w:United States Department of Justice|U.S. Department of Justice]] contained in the [[w:Epstein files|Epstein files]]. * Putin could finish Andrew (and the Royal Family) anytime he likes with photos, tales and evidence he no doubt has on Andrew in Russia. ** Tim Reilly, vice-president of [[Kroll Inc.|Kroll Inc.]], quoted in [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * Mountbatten-Windsor at school was known for being a bully, a loner, supercilious, entitled, indulged. One story from [[w:Heatherdown School|Heatherdown]] says that he took someone's exotic stamp collection, simply crossed their name out and wrote in his own, and was never punished. ** Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer] (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mountbatten-Windsor, Andrew}} [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:House of Windsor]] f0txfx5ux1p15b144ix0wk7p1o031b1 3944194 3944193 2026-05-22T14:33:28Z Woofboy 2984402 /* Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor */ moved image 3944194 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Andrew, Duke of York (cropped).jpg|thumb|I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are.]] '''[[w:Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor|Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor]]''', (Andrew Albert Christian Edward; born 19 February 1960), formerly known as '''Prince Andrew, Duke of York''', is the third child and second son of Queen [[Elizabeth II]] and [[Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]; his elder brother is King [[Charles III]]. A former close associate of [[Jeffrey Epstein]], in February 2026, Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested on suspicion of [[w:Malfeasance in office|misconduct in public office]]. Andrew served in the [[Royal Navy]] as a helicopter pilot, the captain of a warship and saw active service during the [[Falklands War]]. In 1986, he married [[Sarah Ferguson]] and became Duke of York. They have two daughters: [[Princess Beatrice|Beatrice]] and [[Princess Eugenie|Eugenie]]. The couple separated in 1992, and divorced in 1996. As Duke of York, Andrew undertook official duties and engagements on behalf of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He served as the UK's Special Representative for International Trade and Investment for 10 years until July 2011. [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (originally Roberts) claimed that, as a 17-year old, she was sex trafficked to Prince Andrew by the American financier and convicted sex offender [[Jeffrey Epstein]]. The prince denied any wrongdoing. Following criticism for his association with Epstein and his interview with [[w:Emily Maitlis|Emily Maitlis]] in a November 2019 special edition of ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'', he resigned from public roles in May 2020, and his honorary military affiliations and royal charitable patronages were returned to his mother in January 2022. He was the defendant in a civil lawsuit over sexual assault filed by Giuffre in the State of New York, which was settled out of court in February 2022. He renounced his titles of Duke of York, GCVO, and KG in October 2025, though legally he still holds them, and lost his right to be described as a prince. His arrest in 2026 followed allegations over his former role as UK trade envoy and his contacts with Jeffrey Epstein. ==Quotes== * It’s a simple answer. That’s my life. That’s what I expect. Right? That is because of who I am and that is because of the life of the family within which I’ve been brought up. So to me this state of affairs is not extraordinary. To anybody else who looks in, they think I’m bloody mad! But that’s what we do. ** From Andrew Edgecliffe-Johnson, [https://www.ft.com/content/72c219cc-bf63-11de-a696-00144feab49a "Dinner with the FT: Prince Andrew"], ''Financial Times'' (23 October 2009) ** Describing his view of the his role as a member of the Royal Family fulfilling hundreds of engagements each year. * Please make sure that every statement or legal letter states clearly that I am NOT involved and that I knew and know NOTHING about any of these allegations. I can't take any more of this my end. ** From an email to [[Jeffrey Epstein]] and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (March 2011), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cglgj08erywo.amp "Epstein email says Andrew had photo taken with Virginia Giuffre"], ''BBC News'' (13 November 2025) ** The 2001 photograph of Mountbatten-Windsor, Maxwell and Virginia Roberts Giuffre at Maxwell's London home was about to be published by ''The Mail on Sunday'' * I'm just as concerned for you! Don't worry about me! It would seem we are in this together and will have to rise above it. Otherwise keep in close touch and we'll play some more soon!!!! :A, HRH The Duke of York, KG. ** From an email to Jeffrey Epstein (sent 28 February 2011), following the publication of a photography of Mountbatten-Windsor and Virginia Roberts Giuffre. Quoted in Robert Booth, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/oct/12/prince-andrew-told-jeffrey-epstein-were-in-this-together-in-2011-email Prince Andrew told Jeffrey Epstein 'we're in this together' in 2011 email]' (12 October 2025), ''The Guardian'' * Well, if you'll pardon the expression, that really is the n***** in the woodpile ** When asked if the department of trade could be doing a better job, as recorded by Rohan Silva in '[https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/prince-andrew-rohan-silva-language-a4289571.html Rohan Silva: Prince Andrew’s use of language left me reeling — and I still regret not challenging his choice of words]' (2019), ''Evening Standard'' * I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are. ** Attributed in Marina Hyde, [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/aug/10/prince-andrew-sweating-lawsuit-duke-york-virginia-giuffre "Of course Prince Andrew isn’t sweating over this lawsuit – he can’t"], ''The Guardian'' (11 August 2021) * [On his military service during the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands War]] in 1982] So whilst I think back to a day when a young man went to war, full of bravado, I returned a changed man. * I put away childish things and false bravado and returned a man full in the knowledge of human frailty and suffering. * My reflection makes me think even harder and pray even more fervently for those in conflict today, for those family’s [sic] torn apart by the horrors they have witnessed. **Comments on the Instagram account of his ex-wife, [[Sarah Ferguson]] (March 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/apr/02/i-returned-a-changed-man-prince-andrew-reflects-on-his-falklands-war-service "I returned a changed man’: Prince Andrew deletes Falklands war post"], ''The Guardian'' (2 April 2022) ==="[[w:Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal|Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal]]" (2019)=== :<small>'''''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019).'''</small> *[T]he people that I met and the opportunities that I was given to learn either by him or because of him were actually very useful. *I kick myself for, on a daily basis, because it was not something that was becoming of a member of the royal family [...] And we try and uphold the highest standards and practices and I let the side down, simple as that. **[https://time.com/5731244/prince-andrew-interview-epstein/ "Prince Andrew Says He Doesn't Regret His 'Very Useful' Relationship With Jeffrey Epstein"] ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine (18 November 2019) cited from ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019) * [On his alleged meetings with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]], his accuser] I don't know if I've met her but no, I have no recollection of meeting her. * [[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/feb/15/virginia-giuffre-prince-andrew-picture-settlement-lawsuit On the 2001 photograph of himself] with Giuffre (then Roberts) and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I have absolutely no memory of that photograph ever being taken. * [Asked on how the photograph might have been faked] I don't believe it's a picture of me in London because . . . when I go out in London I wear a suit and tie. [...] Nobody can prove whether or not that photograph has been doctored but I don't recollect that photograph ever being taken. [...] I'm at a loss to explain this particular photograph. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/prince-andrew-interview-ive-got-to-have-a-thick-skin-and-get-on-with-it-sgcqwqwlr "Prince Andrew interview: 'I've got to have a thick skin and get on with it'"], ''The Sunday Times'' (London, 16 November 2019) ** See ''[[w:Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew|Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew]]'' for her civil litigation against the Prince. [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/15/nyregion/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-settlement.html The case was resolved out of court] in February 2022 without the Prince admitting liability; he was never criminally charged. [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-60397947 The financial settlement] was not disclosed, but was said to run into millions of pounds. * If you're a man it is a positive act to have sex with somebody [...] You have to … take some sort of positive action and so therefore if you try to forget it’s very difficult to try and forget a positive action and I do not remember anything. * [Explaining that he could not have had sex with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (then Roberts) at the [[London]] home of [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a [[w:PizzaExpress|Pizza Express]] in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there. * [Explaining why he stayed at the New York home of [[Jeffrey Epstein|Epstein]], a convicted child sex offender, in 2010.] It was a convenient place to stay... At the end of the day, with the benefit of all the hindsight one can have, it was definitely the wrong thing to do. But at the time, I felt it was the honourable and right thing to do. And I admit fully that my judgment was probably coloured by my tendency to be too honourable but that is just the way it is. ** Cited in Jamie Doward [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/nov/16/prince-andrew-denies-sex-with-teenager-as-at-home-after-pizza-party "Prince Andrew: I didn’t have sex with teenager, I was home after Pizza Express in Woking"] ''The Guardian'' (17 November 2019). * [Explaining why Virginia Giuffre's allegations against him of sexual assault couldn't be believed.] I didn’t sweat at the time because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the [[Falklands War]], when I was shot at ... it was almost impossible for me to sweat. **Quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/prince-andrew-jeffrey-epstein-sweat-allegations-pizza-expresss-a9208496.html "Prince Andrew claimed he ‘didn’t sweat’ in BBC interview... but what does science say?], ''The Independent'' (26 Nov 2019) ==Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor== * I met him [Prince Andrew] several times, including once at a state banquet where after dinner, I and my husband and another Labour cabinet minister had a drink with him, and I have to say the conversation left us slack-jawed with the things that he felt it was appropriate to say. :It was a state dinner for the Saudi royal family and he made racist comments about Arabs that were unbelievable. :The fact he thought we might find this amusing was sort of a terrible situation to be in. I don’t think he’s very bright. I don’t think he really understands the way in which he behaves. He’s the worst end of the royal family, I think. :I am not going to tell you exactly what he said but it involved a comment about camels. It is as worse as you could imagine. ** Former home secretary Jacqui Smith on LBC, as quoted in Chris Baynes, '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/prince-andrew-racist-arabs-saudi-royal-family-dinner-jacqui-smith-epstein-a9209391.html Prince Andrew made racist comments about Arabs at Buckingham Palace dinner, claims former home secretary]' (2019), ''The Independent'' * It had about 50 or 60 stuffed toys positioned on the bed. And, basically, there was a card the inspector showed us in a drawer, and it was a picture of these [[w:teddy bear|bears]] all in situ on the bed. And the reason for the laminated picture was that, if those bears weren’t put back in the right order by the maids, he would shout and scream and become verbally abusive. ** Former royal protection officer Paul Page on the duke's private apartment, speaking in the ITV programme ''Ghislaine, Prince Andrew and the Paedophile'', quoted in '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/ghislaine-maxwell-itv-page-prince-two-b1994572.html Andrew's teddy bear collection was not to be disturbed, claims documentary]', ''The Independent'' (17 January 2022) * Andrew, unfortunately, exhibited classic symptoms of what is scientifically recognised as the [[w:Dunning–Kruger effect|Dunning-Kruger effect]], the cognitive bias in which people come to believe that they are smarter and more capable than they really are. The combination of minimal self-awareness and dim wattage leads sufferers of this condition to overestimate their own capabilities. Years of enjoying unearned obeisance to his royal position allowed Andrew to bang on with a combination of overweening self-confidence and unchallenged ignorance. It also made him an easy mark for con men and crooks. ** [[Tina Brown]], extract from her book ''The Palace Papers'', as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2022/04/11/jeffrey-epstein-told-people-prince-andrew-idiot-useful-one/ "'Jeffrey Epstein told people that Prince Andrew was an idiot – but a useful one'"], ''The Telegraph'' (11 April 2022) * I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office.<br />What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and by the appropriate authorities. In this, as I have said before, they have our full and wholehearted support and co-operation. Let me state clearly: the law must take its course.<br />As this process continues, it would not be right for me to comment further on this matter. Meanwhile, my family and I will continue in our duty and service to you all. ** [[Charles III|Charles R]] (as signed), statement cited in [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/royal-family/article/andrew-arrested-misconduct-public-office-sandringham-5k6nzwjr2 "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor arrested for misconduct in public office"], ''The Times'' {19 February 2026). ** The former prince was arrested on what was his 66th birthday. *On 10 March 2001 we were in London, staying at [Ghislaine] Maxwell’s pied-à-terre – a white mews house a short walk from Hyde Park. :In the years since, I've thought a lot about how he behaved. He was friendly enough, but still entitled – as if he believed having sex with me was his birthright. I drew him a hot bath. We disrobed and got in the tub, but didn't stay there long because the prince was eager to get to the bed. He was particularly attentive to my feet, caressing my toes and licking my arches. That was a first for me, and it tickled. I was nervous he would want me to do the same to him. But I needn't have worried. He seemed in a rush to have intercourse. Afterward, he said thank you in his clipped British accent. In my memory, the whole thing lasted less than half an hour.<br />The next morning, Maxwell told me: "You did well. The prince had fun." Epstein would give me $15,000 for servicing the man the tabloids called “Randy Andy”. :My second encounter with Prince Andrew took place about a month later, at Epstein's townhouse in New York. Epstein greeted Andrew and brought him to the living room, where Maxwell and I were sitting. Another one of their victims, Johanna Sjoberg, arrived soon afterward. Maxwell then announced to the prince that she'd purchased him a joke gift, a puppet that looked just like him. She suggested we pose for a photo with it. The prince and I sat down next to each other on the couch, and Maxwell put the puppet in my lap, positioning one of its hands on one of my breasts. Then she put Sjoberg on the prince's lap, and the prince put his hand on Sjoberg's breast. The symbolism was impossible to ignore. Johanna and I were Maxwell and Epstein's puppets, and they were pulling the strings. :I don't know exactly when I had sex with Prince Andrew for the third time, but I do know the location: a 72-acre island Epstein owned in the US Virgin Islands. The private sanctuary, right next to Saint Thomas island, was called Little Saint James, but Epstein liked to call it "Little Saint Jeff's". I also know that it was not just the two of us this time; it was an orgy. "I was around 18," I said in a sworn declaration in 2015. "Epstein, Andy, and approximately eight other young girls and I had sex together. The other girls all appeared to be under the age of 18 and didn't really speak English. Epstein laughed about how they couldn’t really communicate, saying they are the easiest girls to get along with."<br />Since I gave that account, Epstein’s pilot has said in a deposition that a coded notation ("AP") that he made on his flight log for 4 July 2001, referred to Prince Andrew. He said that Epstein, the prince, another woman and I flew from Saint Thomas that day back to Palm Beach. I guess it's possible that the orgy I remember occurred in the days leading up to that flight, which would mean I was still 17. I'll probably never know the date for certain. What I do know, because Epstein told me, is that [[w:Jean-Luc Brunel|Jean-Luc Brunel]], the French modelling agent who was also in attendance, supplied the other girls who took part. ** [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Roberts Giuffre]] ''Nobody’s Girl: A Memoir of Surviving Abuse and Fighting for Justice'' (Doubleday (UK)/Alfred A Knopf (US)/Penguin Random House (Aus), 2025), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/oct/15/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-abuse-epstein-maxwell "'Prince Andrew believed having sex with me was his birthright': Virginia Giuffre on her abuse at the hands of Epstein, Maxwell and the king's brother"], ''The Guardian'' (15 October 2025) *a "highly classified" report from an unnamed US security service exposes how Andrew was viewed as a "useful idiot" and the Royal family's "weak link" by Russian agents. The spies exploited the former Duke of York's view that he would make a better king than his older brother, alleged the report, alongside his desire for "financial, sexual, and personal reward". [...] A source said: "It [the report] says that Russian intelligence developed networks using figures such as Jeffrey Epstein for access to political and business leaders and to control any possible domestic law enforcement actions. It states that 'Andrew Mountbatten Windsor (AMW) was cultivated by Russian intelligence in order to have a figure close to the British Royal Family." [...] "AMW was not blackmailed or otherwise coerced into this role - rather he was a willing participant in these schemes due to financial, sexual and personal reward. Russian intelligence used AMW's sexual proclivities to establish a relationship rapport in order to exploit this mental condition for further gain." ** Rebecca Henrys, '[https://www.lbc.co.uk/article/andrew-russia-epstein-charles-5HjdTcC_2/ Andrew 'targeted by Russian spies' who exploited his 'hatred' of Charles]' (27 February 2026), LBC [[File:Jacques-Louis David - Marie Antoinette on the Way to the Guillotine.jpg|thumb|"The Widow [[w:House of Capet|Capet]]" ~ [[Peter Hitchens]] and [[Mary Kenny]]]] * Is this a [[Marie Antoinette|Marie-Antoinette]] moment for the British monarchy? What first triggered animosity against the queen of France was a slew of excited publications stressing her extravagance and indulgence in flagrant luxury, as well as her alleged sexual decadence (an entirely false claim). Before being guillotined, her name was humiliatingly demoted – just like Andrew's – to "the Widow Capet". ** [[Mary Kenny]], [https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/mary-kenny-has-andrew-brought-the-british-royal-family-to-its-marie-antoinette-moment/a7899354.html "Has Andrew brought the British royal family to its Marie-Antoinette moment?"], ''[[w:Irish Independent|Irish Independent]]'' (8 November 2025). Echoing earlier comments by [[Peter Hitchens]] from an interview on {{w|Times Radio}} (1 November 2025): "I'll be accused...of defending "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor", as we must now call him, in French-Revolutionary style, as I think Marie Antoinette ended up being called "The Widow Capet" in the same fashion." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HkGEOkYkgY&t=239s] * Andrew's room service demands soon came to the attention of [[w:Andrew MacGregor Marshall|Andrew MacGregor Marshall]], Reuters' [[Thailand]] correspondent who had friends and connections in the hotel: ::During his short stay, more than forty women were brought to his room. Often, as soon as one left, another would arrive. Hotel staff were amazed - they ware used to foreigners bringing girls to their room, but more than ten a day were going to Andrew's room. And this was all juggled amid official engagements. :[...] Many speak of how Andrew's staff often requested that attractive women be invited to events, with a private secretary specifying, 'He likes blondes', to which one consul replied, 'I'm a diplomat, not a pimp.' ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * One bean-counter had complained about Andrew's expenses, querying whether he could put massages on the taxpayer's tab, and it was pushed through. We’ve been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * the duke didn't relate well to less senior contacts or staff. 'He didn't seem to understand the responsibilities or accountability that came with his status, or think through the consequences of what he said for those with less privilege,' said the ambassador. Although as a senior royal, Andrew was a high-ranking asset, he was also a liability who had to be managed, self-centred and showed little interest in the problems of others. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * I know that Epstein was a Soviet asset. There's a huge national security scandal here of penetration. [...] Keep it to the sexual side – everyone understands that bit – and certainly not go anywhere near the national security scandal. The plan [of the palace], I think, at the moment, is to throw Andrew to the wolves. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * In 2001 I was in London when [redacted] met a number of friends of mine including Prince Andrew. A photograph was taken as I imagine she wanted to show it to friends and family. ** [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] in an email to Jeffrey Epstein (2015), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgp2xx7gxjo "Email appears to confirm Andrew and Virginia Giuffre photo is real"], ''BBC News'' (4 February 2026). ** From a document released by the [[w:United States Department of Justice|U.S. Department of Justice]] contained in the [[w:Epstein files|Epstein files]]. * Putin could finish Andrew (and the Royal Family) anytime he likes with photos, tales and evidence he no doubt has on Andrew in Russia. ** Tim Reilly, vice-president of [[Kroll Inc.|Kroll Inc.]], quoted in [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * Mountbatten-Windsor at school was known for being a bully, a loner, supercilious, entitled, indulged. One story from [[w:Heatherdown School|Heatherdown]] says that he took someone's exotic stamp collection, simply crossed their name out and wrote in his own, and was never punished. ** Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer] (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mountbatten-Windsor, Andrew}} [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:House of Windsor]] dyuytsv9qlkk4rqbxa1qkwyomp9do9b 3944195 3944194 2026-05-22T14:34:57Z Woofboy 2984402 /* Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor */ fixed wikilink 3944195 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Andrew, Duke of York (cropped).jpg|thumb|I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are.]] '''[[w:Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor|Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor]]''', (Andrew Albert Christian Edward; born 19 February 1960), formerly known as '''Prince Andrew, Duke of York''', is the third child and second son of Queen [[Elizabeth II]] and [[Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]; his elder brother is King [[Charles III]]. A former close associate of [[Jeffrey Epstein]], in February 2026, Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested on suspicion of [[w:Malfeasance in office|misconduct in public office]]. Andrew served in the [[Royal Navy]] as a helicopter pilot, the captain of a warship and saw active service during the [[Falklands War]]. In 1986, he married [[Sarah Ferguson]] and became Duke of York. They have two daughters: [[Princess Beatrice|Beatrice]] and [[Princess Eugenie|Eugenie]]. The couple separated in 1992, and divorced in 1996. As Duke of York, Andrew undertook official duties and engagements on behalf of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He served as the UK's Special Representative for International Trade and Investment for 10 years until July 2011. [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (originally Roberts) claimed that, as a 17-year old, she was sex trafficked to Prince Andrew by the American financier and convicted sex offender [[Jeffrey Epstein]]. The prince denied any wrongdoing. Following criticism for his association with Epstein and his interview with [[w:Emily Maitlis|Emily Maitlis]] in a November 2019 special edition of ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'', he resigned from public roles in May 2020, and his honorary military affiliations and royal charitable patronages were returned to his mother in January 2022. He was the defendant in a civil lawsuit over sexual assault filed by Giuffre in the State of New York, which was settled out of court in February 2022. He renounced his titles of Duke of York, GCVO, and KG in October 2025, though legally he still holds them, and lost his right to be described as a prince. His arrest in 2026 followed allegations over his former role as UK trade envoy and his contacts with Jeffrey Epstein. ==Quotes== * It’s a simple answer. That’s my life. That’s what I expect. Right? That is because of who I am and that is because of the life of the family within which I’ve been brought up. So to me this state of affairs is not extraordinary. To anybody else who looks in, they think I’m bloody mad! But that’s what we do. ** From Andrew Edgecliffe-Johnson, [https://www.ft.com/content/72c219cc-bf63-11de-a696-00144feab49a "Dinner with the FT: Prince Andrew"], ''Financial Times'' (23 October 2009) ** Describing his view of the his role as a member of the Royal Family fulfilling hundreds of engagements each year. * Please make sure that every statement or legal letter states clearly that I am NOT involved and that I knew and know NOTHING about any of these allegations. I can't take any more of this my end. ** From an email to [[Jeffrey Epstein]] and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (March 2011), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cglgj08erywo.amp "Epstein email says Andrew had photo taken with Virginia Giuffre"], ''BBC News'' (13 November 2025) ** The 2001 photograph of Mountbatten-Windsor, Maxwell and Virginia Roberts Giuffre at Maxwell's London home was about to be published by ''The Mail on Sunday'' * I'm just as concerned for you! Don't worry about me! It would seem we are in this together and will have to rise above it. Otherwise keep in close touch and we'll play some more soon!!!! :A, HRH The Duke of York, KG. ** From an email to Jeffrey Epstein (sent 28 February 2011), following the publication of a photography of Mountbatten-Windsor and Virginia Roberts Giuffre. Quoted in Robert Booth, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/oct/12/prince-andrew-told-jeffrey-epstein-were-in-this-together-in-2011-email Prince Andrew told Jeffrey Epstein 'we're in this together' in 2011 email]' (12 October 2025), ''The Guardian'' * Well, if you'll pardon the expression, that really is the n***** in the woodpile ** When asked if the department of trade could be doing a better job, as recorded by Rohan Silva in '[https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/prince-andrew-rohan-silva-language-a4289571.html Rohan Silva: Prince Andrew’s use of language left me reeling — and I still regret not challenging his choice of words]' (2019), ''Evening Standard'' * I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are. ** Attributed in Marina Hyde, [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/aug/10/prince-andrew-sweating-lawsuit-duke-york-virginia-giuffre "Of course Prince Andrew isn’t sweating over this lawsuit – he can’t"], ''The Guardian'' (11 August 2021) * [On his military service during the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands War]] in 1982] So whilst I think back to a day when a young man went to war, full of bravado, I returned a changed man. * I put away childish things and false bravado and returned a man full in the knowledge of human frailty and suffering. * My reflection makes me think even harder and pray even more fervently for those in conflict today, for those family’s [sic] torn apart by the horrors they have witnessed. **Comments on the Instagram account of his ex-wife, [[Sarah Ferguson]] (March 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/apr/02/i-returned-a-changed-man-prince-andrew-reflects-on-his-falklands-war-service "I returned a changed man’: Prince Andrew deletes Falklands war post"], ''The Guardian'' (2 April 2022) ==="[[w:Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal|Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal]]" (2019)=== :<small>'''''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019).'''</small> *[T]he people that I met and the opportunities that I was given to learn either by him or because of him were actually very useful. *I kick myself for, on a daily basis, because it was not something that was becoming of a member of the royal family [...] And we try and uphold the highest standards and practices and I let the side down, simple as that. **[https://time.com/5731244/prince-andrew-interview-epstein/ "Prince Andrew Says He Doesn't Regret His 'Very Useful' Relationship With Jeffrey Epstein"] ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine (18 November 2019) cited from ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019) * [On his alleged meetings with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]], his accuser] I don't know if I've met her but no, I have no recollection of meeting her. * [[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/feb/15/virginia-giuffre-prince-andrew-picture-settlement-lawsuit On the 2001 photograph of himself] with Giuffre (then Roberts) and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I have absolutely no memory of that photograph ever being taken. * [Asked on how the photograph might have been faked] I don't believe it's a picture of me in London because . . . when I go out in London I wear a suit and tie. [...] Nobody can prove whether or not that photograph has been doctored but I don't recollect that photograph ever being taken. [...] I'm at a loss to explain this particular photograph. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/prince-andrew-interview-ive-got-to-have-a-thick-skin-and-get-on-with-it-sgcqwqwlr "Prince Andrew interview: 'I've got to have a thick skin and get on with it'"], ''The Sunday Times'' (London, 16 November 2019) ** See ''[[w:Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew|Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew]]'' for her civil litigation against the Prince. [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/15/nyregion/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-settlement.html The case was resolved out of court] in February 2022 without the Prince admitting liability; he was never criminally charged. [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-60397947 The financial settlement] was not disclosed, but was said to run into millions of pounds. * If you're a man it is a positive act to have sex with somebody [...] You have to … take some sort of positive action and so therefore if you try to forget it’s very difficult to try and forget a positive action and I do not remember anything. * [Explaining that he could not have had sex with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (then Roberts) at the [[London]] home of [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a [[w:PizzaExpress|Pizza Express]] in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there. * [Explaining why he stayed at the New York home of [[Jeffrey Epstein|Epstein]], a convicted child sex offender, in 2010.] It was a convenient place to stay... At the end of the day, with the benefit of all the hindsight one can have, it was definitely the wrong thing to do. But at the time, I felt it was the honourable and right thing to do. And I admit fully that my judgment was probably coloured by my tendency to be too honourable but that is just the way it is. ** Cited in Jamie Doward [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/nov/16/prince-andrew-denies-sex-with-teenager-as-at-home-after-pizza-party "Prince Andrew: I didn’t have sex with teenager, I was home after Pizza Express in Woking"] ''The Guardian'' (17 November 2019). * [Explaining why Virginia Giuffre's allegations against him of sexual assault couldn't be believed.] I didn’t sweat at the time because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the [[Falklands War]], when I was shot at ... it was almost impossible for me to sweat. **Quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/prince-andrew-jeffrey-epstein-sweat-allegations-pizza-expresss-a9208496.html "Prince Andrew claimed he ‘didn’t sweat’ in BBC interview... but what does science say?], ''The Independent'' (26 Nov 2019) ==Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor== * I met him [Prince Andrew] several times, including once at a state banquet where after dinner, I and my husband and another Labour cabinet minister had a drink with him, and I have to say the conversation left us slack-jawed with the things that he felt it was appropriate to say. :It was a state dinner for the Saudi royal family and he made racist comments about Arabs that were unbelievable. :The fact he thought we might find this amusing was sort of a terrible situation to be in. I don’t think he’s very bright. I don’t think he really understands the way in which he behaves. He’s the worst end of the royal family, I think. :I am not going to tell you exactly what he said but it involved a comment about camels. It is as worse as you could imagine. ** Former home secretary Jacqui Smith on LBC, as quoted in Chris Baynes, '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/prince-andrew-racist-arabs-saudi-royal-family-dinner-jacqui-smith-epstein-a9209391.html Prince Andrew made racist comments about Arabs at Buckingham Palace dinner, claims former home secretary]' (2019), ''The Independent'' * It had about 50 or 60 stuffed toys positioned on the bed. And, basically, there was a card the inspector showed us in a drawer, and it was a picture of these [[w:teddy bear|bears]] all in situ on the bed. And the reason for the laminated picture was that, if those bears weren’t put back in the right order by the maids, he would shout and scream and become verbally abusive. ** Former royal protection officer Paul Page on the duke's private apartment, speaking in the ITV programme ''Ghislaine, Prince Andrew and the Paedophile'', quoted in '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/ghislaine-maxwell-itv-page-prince-two-b1994572.html Andrew's teddy bear collection was not to be disturbed, claims documentary]', ''The Independent'' (17 January 2022) * Andrew, unfortunately, exhibited classic symptoms of what is scientifically recognised as the [[w:Dunning–Kruger effect|Dunning-Kruger effect]], the cognitive bias in which people come to believe that they are smarter and more capable than they really are. The combination of minimal self-awareness and dim wattage leads sufferers of this condition to overestimate their own capabilities. Years of enjoying unearned obeisance to his royal position allowed Andrew to bang on with a combination of overweening self-confidence and unchallenged ignorance. It also made him an easy mark for con men and crooks. ** [[Tina Brown]], extract from her book ''The Palace Papers'', as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2022/04/11/jeffrey-epstein-told-people-prince-andrew-idiot-useful-one/ "'Jeffrey Epstein told people that Prince Andrew was an idiot – but a useful one'"], ''The Telegraph'' (11 April 2022) * I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office.<br />What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and by the appropriate authorities. In this, as I have said before, they have our full and wholehearted support and co-operation. Let me state clearly: the law must take its course.<br />As this process continues, it would not be right for me to comment further on this matter. Meanwhile, my family and I will continue in our duty and service to you all. ** [[Charles III|Charles R]] (as signed), statement cited in [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/royal-family/article/andrew-arrested-misconduct-public-office-sandringham-5k6nzwjr2 "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor arrested for misconduct in public office"], ''The Times'' {19 February 2026). ** The former prince was arrested on what was his 66th birthday. *On 10 March 2001 we were in London, staying at [Ghislaine] Maxwell’s pied-à-terre – a white mews house a short walk from Hyde Park. :In the years since, I've thought a lot about how he behaved. He was friendly enough, but still entitled – as if he believed having sex with me was his birthright. I drew him a hot bath. We disrobed and got in the tub, but didn't stay there long because the prince was eager to get to the bed. He was particularly attentive to my feet, caressing my toes and licking my arches. That was a first for me, and it tickled. I was nervous he would want me to do the same to him. But I needn't have worried. He seemed in a rush to have intercourse. Afterward, he said thank you in his clipped British accent. In my memory, the whole thing lasted less than half an hour.<br />The next morning, Maxwell told me: "You did well. The prince had fun." Epstein would give me $15,000 for servicing the man the tabloids called “Randy Andy”. :My second encounter with Prince Andrew took place about a month later, at Epstein's townhouse in New York. Epstein greeted Andrew and brought him to the living room, where Maxwell and I were sitting. Another one of their victims, Johanna Sjoberg, arrived soon afterward. Maxwell then announced to the prince that she'd purchased him a joke gift, a puppet that looked just like him. She suggested we pose for a photo with it. The prince and I sat down next to each other on the couch, and Maxwell put the puppet in my lap, positioning one of its hands on one of my breasts. Then she put Sjoberg on the prince's lap, and the prince put his hand on Sjoberg's breast. The symbolism was impossible to ignore. Johanna and I were Maxwell and Epstein's puppets, and they were pulling the strings. :I don't know exactly when I had sex with Prince Andrew for the third time, but I do know the location: a 72-acre island Epstein owned in the US Virgin Islands. The private sanctuary, right next to Saint Thomas island, was called Little Saint James, but Epstein liked to call it "Little Saint Jeff's". I also know that it was not just the two of us this time; it was an orgy. "I was around 18," I said in a sworn declaration in 2015. "Epstein, Andy, and approximately eight other young girls and I had sex together. The other girls all appeared to be under the age of 18 and didn't really speak English. Epstein laughed about how they couldn’t really communicate, saying they are the easiest girls to get along with."<br />Since I gave that account, Epstein’s pilot has said in a deposition that a coded notation ("AP") that he made on his flight log for 4 July 2001, referred to Prince Andrew. He said that Epstein, the prince, another woman and I flew from Saint Thomas that day back to Palm Beach. I guess it's possible that the orgy I remember occurred in the days leading up to that flight, which would mean I was still 17. I'll probably never know the date for certain. What I do know, because Epstein told me, is that [[w:Jean-Luc Brunel|Jean-Luc Brunel]], the French modelling agent who was also in attendance, supplied the other girls who took part. ** [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Roberts Giuffre]] ''Nobody’s Girl: A Memoir of Surviving Abuse and Fighting for Justice'' (Doubleday (UK)/Alfred A Knopf (US)/Penguin Random House (Aus), 2025), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/oct/15/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-abuse-epstein-maxwell "'Prince Andrew believed having sex with me was his birthright': Virginia Giuffre on her abuse at the hands of Epstein, Maxwell and the king's brother"], ''The Guardian'' (15 October 2025) *a "highly classified" report from an unnamed US security service exposes how Andrew was viewed as a "useful idiot" and the Royal family's "weak link" by Russian agents. The spies exploited the former Duke of York's view that he would make a better king than his older brother, alleged the report, alongside his desire for "financial, sexual, and personal reward". [...] A source said: "It [the report] says that Russian intelligence developed networks using figures such as Jeffrey Epstein for access to political and business leaders and to control any possible domestic law enforcement actions. It states that 'Andrew Mountbatten Windsor (AMW) was cultivated by Russian intelligence in order to have a figure close to the British Royal Family." [...] "AMW was not blackmailed or otherwise coerced into this role - rather he was a willing participant in these schemes due to financial, sexual and personal reward. Russian intelligence used AMW's sexual proclivities to establish a relationship rapport in order to exploit this mental condition for further gain." ** Rebecca Henrys, '[https://www.lbc.co.uk/article/andrew-russia-epstein-charles-5HjdTcC_2/ Andrew 'targeted by Russian spies' who exploited his 'hatred' of Charles]' (27 February 2026), LBC [[File:Jacques-Louis David - Marie Antoinette on the Way to the Guillotine.jpg|thumb|"The Widow [[w:House of Capet|Capet]]" ~ [[Peter Hitchens]] and [[Mary Kenny]]]] * Is this a [[Marie Antoinette|Marie-Antoinette]] moment for the British monarchy? What first triggered animosity against the queen of France was a slew of excited publications stressing her extravagance and indulgence in flagrant luxury, as well as her alleged sexual decadence (an entirely false claim). Before being guillotined, her name was humiliatingly demoted – just like Andrew's – to "the Widow Capet". ** [[Mary Kenny]], [https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/mary-kenny-has-andrew-brought-the-british-royal-family-to-its-marie-antoinette-moment/a7899354.html "Has Andrew brought the British royal family to its Marie-Antoinette moment?"], ''[[w:Irish Independent|Irish Independent]]'' (8 November 2025). Echoing earlier comments by [[Peter Hitchens]] from an interview on {{w|Times Radio}} (1 November 2025): "I'll be accused...of defending "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor", as we must now call him, in French-Revolutionary style, as I think Marie Antoinette ended up being called "The Widow Capet" in the same fashion." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HkGEOkYkgY&t=239s] * Andrew's room service demands soon came to the attention of [[w:Andrew MacGregor Marshall|Andrew MacGregor Marshall]], Reuters' [[Thailand]] correspondent who had friends and connections in the hotel: ::During his short stay, more than forty women were brought to his room. Often, as soon as one left, another would arrive. Hotel staff were amazed - they ware used to foreigners bringing girls to their room, but more than ten a day were going to Andrew's room. And this was all juggled amid official engagements. :[...] Many speak of how Andrew's staff often requested that attractive women be invited to events, with a private secretary specifying, 'He likes blondes', to which one consul replied, 'I'm a diplomat, not a pimp.' ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * One bean-counter had complained about Andrew's expenses, querying whether he could put massages on the taxpayer's tab, and it was pushed through. We’ve been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * the duke didn't relate well to less senior contacts or staff. 'He didn't seem to understand the responsibilities or accountability that came with his status, or think through the consequences of what he said for those with less privilege,' said the ambassador. Although as a senior royal, Andrew was a high-ranking asset, he was also a liability who had to be managed, self-centred and showed little interest in the problems of others. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * I know that Epstein was a Soviet asset. There's a huge national security scandal here of penetration. [...] Keep it to the sexual side – everyone understands that bit – and certainly not go anywhere near the national security scandal. The plan [of the palace], I think, at the moment, is to throw Andrew to the wolves. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * In 2001 I was in London when [redacted] met a number of friends of mine including Prince Andrew. A photograph was taken as I imagine she wanted to show it to friends and family. ** [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] in an email to Jeffrey Epstein (2015), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgp2xx7gxjo "Email appears to confirm Andrew and Virginia Giuffre photo is real"], ''BBC News'' (4 February 2026). ** From a document released by the [[w:United States Department of Justice|U.S. Department of Justice]] contained in the [[w:Epstein files|Epstein files]]. * Putin could finish Andrew (and the Royal Family) anytime he likes with photos, tales and evidence he no doubt has on Andrew in Russia. ** Tim Reilly, vice-president of [[w:Kroll Inc.|Kroll Inc.]], quoted in [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * Mountbatten-Windsor at school was known for being a bully, a loner, supercilious, entitled, indulged. One story from [[w:Heatherdown School|Heatherdown]] says that he took someone's exotic stamp collection, simply crossed their name out and wrote in his own, and was never punished. ** Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer] (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mountbatten-Windsor, Andrew}} [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:House of Windsor]] m0zivdgfmht5k9jfbmskdb1dtutc8lk 3944215 3944195 2026-05-22T15:19:01Z Woofboy 2984402 /* Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor */ 3944215 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Prince Andrew, Duke of York (cropped).jpg|thumb|I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are.]] '''[[w:Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor|Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor]]''', (Andrew Albert Christian Edward; born 19 February 1960), formerly known as '''Prince Andrew, Duke of York''', is the third child and second son of Queen [[Elizabeth II]] and [[Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh]]; his elder brother is King [[Charles III]]. A former close associate of [[Jeffrey Epstein]], in February 2026, Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested on suspicion of [[w:Malfeasance in office|misconduct in public office]]. Andrew served in the [[Royal Navy]] as a helicopter pilot, the captain of a warship and saw active service during the [[Falklands War]]. In 1986, he married [[Sarah Ferguson]] and became Duke of York. They have two daughters: [[Princess Beatrice|Beatrice]] and [[Princess Eugenie|Eugenie]]. The couple separated in 1992, and divorced in 1996. As Duke of York, Andrew undertook official duties and engagements on behalf of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. He served as the UK's Special Representative for International Trade and Investment for 10 years until July 2011. [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (originally Roberts) claimed that, as a 17-year old, she was sex trafficked to Prince Andrew by the American financier and convicted sex offender [[Jeffrey Epstein]]. The prince denied any wrongdoing. Following criticism for his association with Epstein and his interview with [[w:Emily Maitlis|Emily Maitlis]] in a November 2019 special edition of ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'', he resigned from public roles in May 2020, and his honorary military affiliations and royal charitable patronages were returned to his mother in January 2022. He was the defendant in a civil lawsuit over sexual assault filed by Giuffre in the State of New York, which was settled out of court in February 2022. He renounced his titles of Duke of York, GCVO, and KG in October 2025, though legally he still holds them, and lost his right to be described as a prince. His arrest in 2026 followed allegations over his former role as UK trade envoy and his contacts with Jeffrey Epstein. ==Quotes== * It’s a simple answer. That’s my life. That’s what I expect. Right? That is because of who I am and that is because of the life of the family within which I’ve been brought up. So to me this state of affairs is not extraordinary. To anybody else who looks in, they think I’m bloody mad! But that’s what we do. ** From Andrew Edgecliffe-Johnson, [https://www.ft.com/content/72c219cc-bf63-11de-a696-00144feab49a "Dinner with the FT: Prince Andrew"], ''Financial Times'' (23 October 2009) ** Describing his view of the his role as a member of the Royal Family fulfilling hundreds of engagements each year. * Please make sure that every statement or legal letter states clearly that I am NOT involved and that I knew and know NOTHING about any of these allegations. I can't take any more of this my end. ** From an email to [[Jeffrey Epstein]] and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] (March 2011), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cglgj08erywo.amp "Epstein email says Andrew had photo taken with Virginia Giuffre"], ''BBC News'' (13 November 2025) ** The 2001 photograph of Mountbatten-Windsor, Maxwell and Virginia Roberts Giuffre at Maxwell's London home was about to be published by ''The Mail on Sunday'' * I'm just as concerned for you! Don't worry about me! It would seem we are in this together and will have to rise above it. Otherwise keep in close touch and we'll play some more soon!!!! :A, HRH The Duke of York, KG. ** From an email to Jeffrey Epstein (sent 28 February 2011), following the publication of a photography of Mountbatten-Windsor and Virginia Roberts Giuffre. Quoted in Robert Booth, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/oct/12/prince-andrew-told-jeffrey-epstein-were-in-this-together-in-2011-email Prince Andrew told Jeffrey Epstein 'we're in this together' in 2011 email]' (12 October 2025), ''The Guardian'' * Well, if you'll pardon the expression, that really is the n***** in the woodpile ** When asked if the department of trade could be doing a better job, as recorded by Rohan Silva in '[https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/comment/prince-andrew-rohan-silva-language-a4289571.html Rohan Silva: Prince Andrew’s use of language left me reeling — and I still regret not challenging his choice of words]' (2019), ''Evening Standard'' * I could have worse tags than ‘Air Miles Andy’, although I don’t know what they are. ** Attributed in Marina Hyde, [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/aug/10/prince-andrew-sweating-lawsuit-duke-york-virginia-giuffre "Of course Prince Andrew isn’t sweating over this lawsuit – he can’t"], ''The Guardian'' (11 August 2021) * [On his military service during the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands War]] in 1982] So whilst I think back to a day when a young man went to war, full of bravado, I returned a changed man. * I put away childish things and false bravado and returned a man full in the knowledge of human frailty and suffering. * My reflection makes me think even harder and pray even more fervently for those in conflict today, for those family’s [sic] torn apart by the horrors they have witnessed. **Comments on the Instagram account of his ex-wife, [[Sarah Ferguson]] (March 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/apr/02/i-returned-a-changed-man-prince-andrew-reflects-on-his-falklands-war-service "I returned a changed man’: Prince Andrew deletes Falklands war post"], ''The Guardian'' (2 April 2022) ==="[[w:Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal|Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal]]" (2019)=== :<small>'''''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019).'''</small> *[T]he people that I met and the opportunities that I was given to learn either by him or because of him were actually very useful. *I kick myself for, on a daily basis, because it was not something that was becoming of a member of the royal family [...] And we try and uphold the highest standards and practices and I let the side down, simple as that. **[https://time.com/5731244/prince-andrew-interview-epstein/ "Prince Andrew Says He Doesn't Regret His 'Very Useful' Relationship With Jeffrey Epstein"] ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine (18 November 2019) cited from ''[[w:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' interview with Emily Maitlis (broadcast 16 November 2019) * [On his alleged meetings with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]], his accuser] I don't know if I've met her but no, I have no recollection of meeting her. * [[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/feb/15/virginia-giuffre-prince-andrew-picture-settlement-lawsuit On the 2001 photograph of himself] with Giuffre (then Roberts) and [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I have absolutely no memory of that photograph ever being taken. * [Asked on how the photograph might have been faked] I don't believe it's a picture of me in London because . . . when I go out in London I wear a suit and tie. [...] Nobody can prove whether or not that photograph has been doctored but I don't recollect that photograph ever being taken. [...] I'm at a loss to explain this particular photograph. ** [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/prince-andrew-interview-ive-got-to-have-a-thick-skin-and-get-on-with-it-sgcqwqwlr "Prince Andrew interview: 'I've got to have a thick skin and get on with it'"], ''The Sunday Times'' (London, 16 November 2019) ** See ''[[w:Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew|Virginia Giuffre v. Prince Andrew]]'' for her civil litigation against the Prince. [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/15/nyregion/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-settlement.html The case was resolved out of court] in February 2022 without the Prince admitting liability; he was never criminally charged. [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-60397947 The financial settlement] was not disclosed, but was said to run into millions of pounds. * If you're a man it is a positive act to have sex with somebody [...] You have to … take some sort of positive action and so therefore if you try to forget it’s very difficult to try and forget a positive action and I do not remember anything. * [Explaining that he could not have had sex with [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Giuffre]] (then Roberts) at the [[London]] home of [[Ghislaine Maxwell]]] I was with the children and I’d taken Beatrice to a [[w:PizzaExpress|Pizza Express]] in Woking for a party at I suppose four or five in the afternoon. And then because the duchess [Sarah Ferguson] was away, we have a simple rule in the family that when one is away the other is there. * [Explaining why he stayed at the New York home of [[Jeffrey Epstein|Epstein]], a convicted child sex offender, in 2010.] It was a convenient place to stay... At the end of the day, with the benefit of all the hindsight one can have, it was definitely the wrong thing to do. But at the time, I felt it was the honourable and right thing to do. And I admit fully that my judgment was probably coloured by my tendency to be too honourable but that is just the way it is. ** Cited in Jamie Doward [https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/nov/16/prince-andrew-denies-sex-with-teenager-as-at-home-after-pizza-party "Prince Andrew: I didn’t have sex with teenager, I was home after Pizza Express in Woking"] ''The Guardian'' (17 November 2019). * [Explaining why Virginia Giuffre's allegations against him of sexual assault couldn't be believed.] I didn’t sweat at the time because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the [[Falklands War]], when I was shot at ... it was almost impossible for me to sweat. **Quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/prince-andrew-jeffrey-epstein-sweat-allegations-pizza-expresss-a9208496.html "Prince Andrew claimed he ‘didn’t sweat’ in BBC interview... but what does science say?], ''The Independent'' (26 Nov 2019) ==Quotes about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor== * I met him [Prince Andrew] several times, including once at a state banquet where after dinner, I and my husband and another Labour cabinet minister had a drink with him, and I have to say the conversation left us slack-jawed with the things that he felt it was appropriate to say. :It was a state dinner for the Saudi royal family and he made racist comments about Arabs that were unbelievable. :The fact he thought we might find this amusing was sort of a terrible situation to be in. I don’t think he’s very bright. I don’t think he really understands the way in which he behaves. He’s the worst end of the royal family, I think. :I am not going to tell you exactly what he said but it involved a comment about camels. It is as worse as you could imagine. ** Former home secretary Jacqui Smith on LBC, as quoted in Chris Baynes, '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/prince-andrew-racist-arabs-saudi-royal-family-dinner-jacqui-smith-epstein-a9209391.html Prince Andrew made racist comments about Arabs at Buckingham Palace dinner, claims former home secretary]' (2019), ''The Independent'' * It had about 50 or 60 stuffed toys positioned on the bed. And, basically, there was a card the inspector showed us in a drawer, and it was a picture of these [[w:teddy bear|bears]] all in situ on the bed. And the reason for the laminated picture was that, if those bears weren’t put back in the right order by the maids, he would shout and scream and become verbally abusive. ** Former royal protection officer Paul Page on the duke's private apartment, speaking in the ITV programme ''Ghislaine, Prince Andrew and the Paedophile'', quoted in '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/ghislaine-maxwell-itv-page-prince-two-b1994572.html Andrew's teddy bear collection was not to be disturbed, claims documentary]', ''The Independent'' (17 January 2022) * Andrew, unfortunately, exhibited classic symptoms of what is scientifically recognised as the [[w:Dunning–Kruger effect|Dunning-Kruger effect]], the cognitive bias in which people come to believe that they are smarter and more capable than they really are. The combination of minimal self-awareness and dim wattage leads sufferers of this condition to overestimate their own capabilities. Years of enjoying unearned obeisance to his royal position allowed Andrew to bang on with a combination of overweening self-confidence and unchallenged ignorance. It also made him an easy mark for con men and crooks. ** [[Tina Brown]], extract from her book ''The Palace Papers'', as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2022/04/11/jeffrey-epstein-told-people-prince-andrew-idiot-useful-one/ "'Jeffrey Epstein told people that Prince Andrew was an idiot – but a useful one'"], ''The Telegraph'' (11 April 2022) * I have learned with the deepest concern the news about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and suspicion of misconduct in public office.<br />What now follows is the full, fair and proper process by which this issue is investigated in the appropriate manner and by the appropriate authorities. In this, as I have said before, they have our full and wholehearted support and co-operation. Let me state clearly: the law must take its course.<br />As this process continues, it would not be right for me to comment further on this matter. Meanwhile, my family and I will continue in our duty and service to you all. ** [[Charles III|Charles R]] (as signed), statement cited in [https://www.thetimes.com/uk/royal-family/article/andrew-arrested-misconduct-public-office-sandringham-5k6nzwjr2 "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor arrested for misconduct in public office"], ''The Times'' {19 February 2026). ** The former prince was arrested on what was his 66th birthday. *On 10 March 2001 we were in London, staying at [Ghislaine] Maxwell’s pied-à-terre – a white mews house a short walk from Hyde Park. :In the years since, I've thought a lot about how he behaved. He was friendly enough, but still entitled – as if he believed having sex with me was his birthright. I drew him a hot bath. We disrobed and got in the tub, but didn't stay there long because the prince was eager to get to the bed. He was particularly attentive to my feet, caressing my toes and licking my arches. That was a first for me, and it tickled. I was nervous he would want me to do the same to him. But I needn't have worried. He seemed in a rush to have intercourse. Afterward, he said thank you in his clipped British accent. In my memory, the whole thing lasted less than half an hour.<br />The next morning, Maxwell told me: "You did well. The prince had fun." Epstein would give me $15,000 for servicing the man the tabloids called “Randy Andy”. :My second encounter with Prince Andrew took place about a month later, at Epstein's townhouse in New York. Epstein greeted Andrew and brought him to the living room, where Maxwell and I were sitting. Another one of their victims, Johanna Sjoberg, arrived soon afterward. Maxwell then announced to the prince that she'd purchased him a joke gift, a puppet that looked just like him. She suggested we pose for a photo with it. The prince and I sat down next to each other on the couch, and Maxwell put the puppet in my lap, positioning one of its hands on one of my breasts. Then she put Sjoberg on the prince's lap, and the prince put his hand on Sjoberg's breast. The symbolism was impossible to ignore. Johanna and I were Maxwell and Epstein's puppets, and they were pulling the strings. :I don't know exactly when I had sex with Prince Andrew for the third time, but I do know the location: a 72-acre island Epstein owned in the US Virgin Islands. The private sanctuary, right next to Saint Thomas island, was called Little Saint James, but Epstein liked to call it "Little Saint Jeff's". I also know that it was not just the two of us this time; it was an orgy. "I was around 18," I said in a sworn declaration in 2015. "Epstein, Andy, and approximately eight other young girls and I had sex together. The other girls all appeared to be under the age of 18 and didn't really speak English. Epstein laughed about how they couldn’t really communicate, saying they are the easiest girls to get along with."<br />Since I gave that account, Epstein’s pilot has said in a deposition that a coded notation ("AP") that he made on his flight log for 4 July 2001, referred to Prince Andrew. He said that Epstein, the prince, another woman and I flew from Saint Thomas that day back to Palm Beach. I guess it's possible that the orgy I remember occurred in the days leading up to that flight, which would mean I was still 17. I'll probably never know the date for certain. What I do know, because Epstein told me, is that [[w:Jean-Luc Brunel|Jean-Luc Brunel]], the French modelling agent who was also in attendance, supplied the other girls who took part. ** [[w:Virginia Giuffre|Virginia Roberts Giuffre]] ''Nobody’s Girl: A Memoir of Surviving Abuse and Fighting for Justice'' (Doubleday (UK)/Alfred A Knopf (US)/Penguin Random House (Aus), 2025), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/oct/15/prince-andrew-virginia-giuffre-abuse-epstein-maxwell "'Prince Andrew believed having sex with me was his birthright': Virginia Giuffre on her abuse at the hands of Epstein, Maxwell and the king's brother"], ''The Guardian'' (15 October 2025) *a "highly classified" report from an unnamed US security service exposes how Andrew was viewed as a "useful idiot" and the Royal family's "weak link" by Russian agents. The spies exploited the former Duke of York's view that he would make a better king than his older brother, alleged the report, alongside his desire for "financial, sexual, and personal reward". [...] A source said: "It [the report] says that Russian intelligence developed networks using figures such as Jeffrey Epstein for access to political and business leaders and to control any possible domestic law enforcement actions. It states that 'Andrew Mountbatten Windsor (AMW) was cultivated by Russian intelligence in order to have a figure close to the British Royal Family." [...] "AMW was not blackmailed or otherwise coerced into this role - rather he was a willing participant in these schemes due to financial, sexual and personal reward. Russian intelligence used AMW's sexual proclivities to establish a relationship rapport in order to exploit this mental condition for further gain." ** Rebecca Henrys, '[https://www.lbc.co.uk/article/andrew-russia-epstein-charles-5HjdTcC_2/ Andrew 'targeted by Russian spies' who exploited his 'hatred' of Charles]' (27 February 2026), LBC [[File:Jacques-Louis David - Marie Antoinette on the Way to the Guillotine.jpg|thumb|"The Widow [[w:House of Capet|Capet]]" ~ [[Peter Hitchens]] and [[Mary Kenny]]]] * Is this a [[Marie Antoinette|Marie-Antoinette]] moment for the British monarchy? What first triggered animosity against the queen of France was a slew of excited publications stressing her extravagance and indulgence in flagrant luxury, as well as her alleged sexual decadence (an entirely false claim). Before being guillotined, her name was humiliatingly demoted – just like Andrew's – to "the Widow Capet". ** [[Mary Kenny]], [https://www.independent.ie/opinion/comment/mary-kenny-has-andrew-brought-the-british-royal-family-to-its-marie-antoinette-moment/a7899354.html "Has Andrew brought the British royal family to its Marie-Antoinette moment?"], ''[[w:Irish Independent|Irish Independent]]'' (8 November 2025). Echoing earlier comments by [[Peter Hitchens]] from an interview on {{w|Times Radio}} (1 November 2025): "I'll be accused...of defending "Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor", as we must now call him, in French-Revolutionary style, as I think Marie Antoinette ended up being called "The Widow Capet" in the same fashion." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HkGEOkYkgY&t=239s] * arrogant, rude and abrasive ** Dai Davies, former head of Scotland Yard's Royal Protection Command, on Mountbatten-Windsor. Quoted in '[https://inews.co.uk/news/arrogant-rude-bad-loser-prince-andrew-lived-taxpayer-3998631 'Arrogant, rude and a bad loser': How Prince Andrew lived off the taxpayer] (25 October 2025), ''i'' * he's such a bad loser, it will create a problem if he doesn't win. ** Ivor Roberts, former UK ambassador to Ireland, recounting the reason given by Mountbatten-Windsor's staff for requesting the removal of a golf game from the itinerary when Mountbatten-Windsor visited. Quoted in '[https://inews.co.uk/news/arrogant-rude-bad-loser-prince-andrew-lived-taxpayer-3998631 'Arrogant, rude and a bad loser': How Prince Andrew lived off the taxpayer] (25 October 2025), ''i'' ** Mountbatten-Windsor later chastised Roberts for not scheduling golf. * From my own experience, and from the many people I've spoken to who know him, it always comes back to the same word – arrogant. People find him self-serving and self-centred. I don't think I've heard anyone say a good word about him, apart from his immediate family. [...] [Following the 1992 Windsor Castle fire] I asked him in a human way, 'How is your mother doing?' He looked affronted and said, 'Her Majesty the Queen you mean.' He made clear I should have used the full title. It's small illustration of how he is absolutely stuck on status. ** Royal commentator Jennie Bond. Quoted in '[https://inews.co.uk/news/arrogant-rude-bad-loser-prince-andrew-lived-taxpayer-3998631 'Arrogant, rude and a bad loser': How Prince Andrew lived off the taxpayer] (25 October 2025), ''i'' * He was beaming, very chipper and jovial ** Mark Harrison, photographer who took official photographs following the ''Newsnight'' '[[Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor#"Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal" (2019)|Prince Andrew & the Epstein Scandal]]' interview with [[w:Emily Maitlis|Emily Maitlis]]. Quoted in '[https://inews.co.uk/news/arrogant-rude-bad-loser-prince-andrew-lived-taxpayer-3998631 'Arrogant, rude and a bad loser': How Prince Andrew lived off the taxpayer] (25 October 2025), ''i'' * Andrew's room service demands soon came to the attention of [[w:Andrew MacGregor Marshall|Andrew MacGregor Marshall]], Reuters' [[Thailand]] correspondent who had friends and connections in the hotel: ::During his short stay, more than forty women were brought to his room. Often, as soon as one left, another would arrive. Hotel staff were amazed - they ware used to foreigners bringing girls to their room, but more than ten a day were going to Andrew's room. And this was all juggled amid official engagements. :[...] Many speak of how Andrew's staff often requested that attractive women be invited to events, with a private secretary specifying, 'He likes blondes', to which one consul replied, 'I'm a diplomat, not a pimp.' ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * One bean-counter had complained about Andrew's expenses, querying whether he could put massages on the taxpayer's tab, and it was pushed through. We’ve been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * the duke didn't relate well to less senior contacts or staff. 'He didn't seem to understand the responsibilities or accountability that came with his status, or think through the consequences of what he said for those with less privilege,' said the ambassador. Although as a senior royal, Andrew was a high-ranking asset, he was also a liability who had to be managed, self-centred and showed little interest in the problems of others. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * HBH: His Buffoon Highness [...] stemmed from his childish obsession with doing exactly the opposite of what had been agreed in pre-visit meetings with his staff. He frequently refused to follow his brief – we wondered if he had actually read it – and appeared to regard himself as an expert in every matter. ** Deputy ambassador Simon Wilson on Mountbatten-Windsor's nickname among the British diplomatic ­community in the Gulf. Quoted in [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * He didn't give a reason. Instead, he patted the British ambassador on the head twice and announced to everyone present that this was the chap – not him – whose job it was to promote UK business. ** Deputy ambassador Simon Wilson recounting Mountbatten-Windsor, on a trip to Bahrain as special representative of trade, deciding last moment not to address the British business community. Quoted in [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * I know that Epstein was a Soviet asset. There's a huge national security scandal here of penetration. [...] Keep it to the sexual side – everyone understands that bit – and certainly not go anywhere near the national security scandal. The plan [of the palace], I think, at the moment, is to throw Andrew to the wolves. ** [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], quoted in Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer]' (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' * In 2001 I was in London when [redacted] met a number of friends of mine including Prince Andrew. A photograph was taken as I imagine she wanted to show it to friends and family. ** [[Ghislaine Maxwell]] in an email to Jeffrey Epstein (2015), as cited in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgp2xx7gxjo "Email appears to confirm Andrew and Virginia Giuffre photo is real"], ''BBC News'' (4 February 2026). ** From a document released by the [[w:United States Department of Justice|U.S. Department of Justice]] contained in the [[w:Epstein files|Epstein files]]. * Putin could finish Andrew (and the Royal Family) anytime he likes with photos, tales and evidence he no doubt has on Andrew in Russia. ** Tim Reilly, vice-president of [[w:Kroll Inc.|Kroll Inc.]], quoted in [[w:Andrew Lownie|Andrew Lownie]], ''Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York'' (HarperCollins, 2025) * Mountbatten-Windsor at school was known for being a bully, a loner, supercilious, entitled, indulged. One story from [[w:Heatherdown School|Heatherdown]] says that he took someone's exotic stamp collection, simply crossed their name out and wrote in his own, and was never punished. ** Zoe Williams, '[https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/feb/24/andrew-mountbatten-windsor-biographer-andrew-lownie-entitled 'We've been paying for happy endings for Andrew for years': the inside story of a royal disgrace, by his biographer] (24 February 2026), ''The Guardian'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mountbatten-Windsor, Andrew}} [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:House of Windsor]] p7kz5akupgejdydf1rvtk45fdu723w6 0 255736 3944377 3248286 2026-05-23T07:00:31Z EarthDude 3228931 Move cleanup 3944377 wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]] 1j4v4nqdcasygh8dp4j2omyvdsgndsp 0 259092 3944433 3931440 2026-05-23T11:29:53Z GrimRob 1187925 typo 3944433 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Navy - Medal of Honor (16720735330).jpg|thumb|To tell you the truth, I did it. I know I did it. Other people know I did it. But I'll be God damned if I know how I did it. ~ [[Hector A. Cafferata Jr.]]]] The '''[[w:Medal of Honor|Medal of Honor (MOH)]]''' is the United States Armed Forces' highest military decoration and is awarded to recognize American soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen, guardians and coast guardsmen who have distinguished themselves by acts of valor. [[File:Civil War era Navy Medal of Honor.jpg|thumb|The Medal of Honor is the United States' highest award for military valor in action. And while over 150 years have passed since its inception, the meaning behind the Medal has never tarnished. ~ Congressional Medal of Honor Society]] [[File:Army - Medal of Honor (16700822907).jpg|thumb|Etched within are the very values that each Recipient displayed in the moments that mattered—bravery, courage, sacrifice, integrity. A deep love of country and a desire to always do what is right. ~ Congressional Medal of Honor Society]] [[File:Air Force - Medal of Honor (16285785564).jpg|thumb|A distinguished award presented only to the deserving, the Medal tells a story of its own. ~ Congressional Medal of Honor Society]] [[File:David G. Bellavia (2).jpg|thumb|It's surreal and unnatural to get credit when you've lived your entire life to be about the team. It's never about the individual. I'm not here to celebrate me. ~ [[David Bellavia]]]] [[File:Jimmie W. Monteith Jr. Gravemarker 03.jpg|thumb|Life to you was rich and sweet,<br>Yet with a purpose high and brave,<br>You willed it that your comrades keep<br>What you so nobly gave. ~ Jessie Lee Bailey]] [[File:Medal of Honor United States of America AEA Collections.jpg|thumb|When I was a young man in the 1950s, right after World War II, there was a special category of hero everyone in America recognized: the men who wore the distinctive ribbon and star of the Medal of Honor. In those years when the legacy of war and sacrifice, bravery and humility was a touchstone in every community, the very mention of the Medal of Honor was part of the secular liturgy, an ideal to be honored and always remembered. ~ [[Tom Brokaw]]]] [[File:Benavidez.jpg|thumb|When [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]] placed the Congressional Medal of Honor around my neck, it all came racing back to me. The blood flooding the floor of the helicopter and gushing out of the doors as we banked and ran from that Cambodian jungle. The sights and sounds of my six hours in hell. The agony of the wounded and dying kept repetitively flashing through my mind while I watched the honor guard and heard the president, my commander-in-chief, read the details of the award. I was not ashamed of the tears that blinded my eyes. ~ [[Roy Benavidez]]]] [[File:Kyle Carpenter 140618-M-LI307-0155.jpg|thumb|I don't remember much about the incident and I definitely don't remember what I was thinking about in the moment, but, again, that's the amazing thing about people: You never know how you're going to step up, or when. ~ [[Kyle Carpenter]]]] [[File:John William Finn.jpg|thumb|I can truthfully say that I don't remember being scared to death. But I was God damn mad. ~ [[John William Finn]]]] [[File:Lt. Gen. Robert F. Foley.jpg|thumb|I have been asked if the Medal of Honor helped me advance throughout my career. When U.S. Army centralized selection boards meet to consider a soldier's qualifications for schools, commands, and promotion, awards and decorations are certainly considered. My philosophy has been straightforward- I paid little attention to where my officers went to college or what awards they have received in the past. Instead, I focused on what they could do today, tomorrow, and the next day in leading their soldiers and enhancing unit readiness. I am convinced that my superiors have, for the most part, exercised a similar outlook. ~ [[Robert F. Foley]]]] [[File:U.S. Pacific submarine on war patrol. Pacific sunlight silvers the sea. - NARA - 520690.jpg|thumb|As Captain, it has been an outstanding honor to be your representative in accepting the Congressional Medal of Honor for the extraordinary heroism above and beyond the call of duty which you and every officer and man in the ''Barb'' displayed.<br>How fortunate I am, how proud I am, that the President of the United States should permit me to be the caretaker of this most distinguished honor which the Nation has seen fit to bestow upon a gallant crew and a fighting ship, the ''Barb''. ~ [[Eugene B. Fluckey]]]] [[File:President Barack Obama presents the Medal of Honor to Staff Sergeant Salvatore Giunta.jpg|thumb|I am not a hero. I am just a soldier. ~ [[Salvatore Giunta]]]] [[File:Flickr - The U.S. Army - Medal of Honor, Staff Sgt. Salvatore A. Giunta.jpg|thumb|I accept the Medal of Honor not for myself, but because it provides a forum for talking about my brothers and the job they are doing, and the sacrifices they've made. Those men and women who do the fighting- too often, they don't get to talk. I want their voices to be heard. ~ [[Salvatore Giunta]]]] [[File:John-Morehead-Scott-MOH-crop.jpg|thumb|Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: "...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress." ~ [[Harold Keith]]]] [[File:Medal of Honor Flag with Gold Fringe.svg|thumb|When you have the Medal of Honor, all actions- good, bad, true, or false- are magnified, and an undue amount of significance is attached to each. My every move- real or imagined- became front-page news. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but not much. ~ [[Franklin D. Miller]]]] [[File:Ceremony celebrating National Medal of Honor Day at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, Arlington National Cemetery, Virginia on March 25, 2025 - 29.jpg|thumb|A female lieutenant colonel once asked me if I knew why they gave me the medal. She asked the question in such a way that I took it as meaning ''she'' knew the reason- did I? Her question pissed me off. I thought, what the hell do you know? How could you, who have never seen combat, possibly know? I was preparing to give it to her with both barrels at the conclusion of her comment.<br>However, she said something profound that hit the nail right square on the head. She said, "They gave you the medal because they realize that something has happened to you that they can't understand."<br>You were absolutely right, ma'am. My apologies. ~ [[Franklin D. Miller]]]] [[File:Tri-service medal of honor.jpg|thumb|That's what every Medal of Honor winner has done: They faced death, and they rode on. ~ Thomas P. McCarthy]] [[File:Hiroshi Miyamura and Eisenhowser.jpg|thumb|I'm wondering, 'What the hell am I going to see him for?' And he tells me, he says, 'Do you know you received the Congressional Medal of Honor?' All I could say was, 'What?' I'll never forget that. 'What for?' ~ [[Hiroshi Miyamura]]]] [[File:Clinton Romesha portrait.jpg|thumb|Singling me out for such a superlative commendation struck me as both inappropriate and wrong. In my view, nothing that I'd done that day was any different from what my comrades had accomplished. What's more, I could easily have picked half a dozen men- especially Gallegos, Kirk, Hardt, Mace, and Griffin- who truly deserved selection because they had given their lives in an effort to save others.<br>But me? No way. They picked the wrong guy. ~ [[Clinton Romesha]]]] [[File:"Buy War Bonds" - NARA - 514000.jpg|thumb|I know, without a shred of doubt, that I would instantly trade the medal and everything attached to it if it would bring back even one of my missing comrades in arms. ~ [[Clinton Romesha]]]] [[File:John Finn birthday group.jpg|thumb|I've always been a "we" man, us." I don't think I'll ever change. That Medal could have gone to sixty-eight other guys that day, really could. So when I wear it, I wear it for everyone who's ever served. That's the way I look at the Medal. ~ [[Jay R. Vargas]]]] __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == B == * '''Life to you was rich and sweet,'''<br>'''Yet with a purpose high and brave,'''<br>'''You willed it that your comrades keep'''<br>'''What you so nobly gave.''' ** Jessie Lee Bailey, 3rd stanza of "Memory of Sergeant Herbert J. Thomas," originally printed in the ''Richmond Times'' & the ''Charleston Gazette'', reprinted in ''Ut Prosim: "Above and Beyond," The Story of Virginia Tech's Medal of Honor Recipients'' (2001) by Lieutenant Colonel John A. Coulter II, U.S. Army, Ret., Blacksburg: Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets Development Council, paperback, p. 3.65 * General Sladen told me then that I could stand at ease, and I was altogether more comfortable physically than I'd been before. But I was still upset in my mind. '''I kept thinking how awful it would be if there'd been some mistake, and they'd picked out the wrong fellow to decorate.'''<br>I still didn't know what it was General Pershing had pinned on me, so as soon as I dared I squinted along my nose. I couldn't see anything but a little blue ribbon with white stars. I knew that the medal beneath it was the Congressional Medal of Honor. There'd been two of those in our family before. The first one had been given to a major-general who was related to my mother's family. ** [[John L. Barkley]], ''Scarlet Fields: The Combat Memoir of a World War I Medal of Honor Hero'' (1930), originally published as ''No Hard Feelings!'', Lawrence: University Press of Kansas, 2012 edited reprint, hardcover, p. 221 * On April 4, 1997, the day before my pilgrimage, I visited Castle Aghinolfi from the German side of the lines. The invisible hand squeezed my soul. We were worse off than I had realized fifty-two years earlier. '''The Germans had more of an advantage and tougher defenses than we knew.''' Not only were they hitting us with mortar rounds from the castle, but there was a German mortar battery behind us that we had missed in our charge up those hills. '''The ravine was deeper than I remembered; the distance to the castle greater. We never had a chance. And yet we did it.''' ** [[Vernon Baker]], ''Lasting Valor'' (1997), Columbus: Genesis Press, first edition hardcover, p. 280 * "Into the Hot Zone," the article Mick Ware writes about that night, is ''Time'' magazine's cover story less than two weeks later. I earn a Silver Star. But all I hear for ten years is, "Bullshit. I don't believe it. That didn't happen." Then I get a call from the military paper ''Stars and Stripes''. "Hey, you're nominated for the Medal of Honor, did you know that? I hear there's a videotape. Do you have a comment? I'm immediately on the defensive. No one who's served in Iraq has received the US Armed Forces' highest military decoration, except posthumously. "What's on the tape? How did you find out?" The Army's trying to tell me that I'm getting the Medal of Honor, and I'm acting like they're trying to put me in jail. Turns out Ware sold a documentary to HBO. He filmed the entire firefight. Honestly, Ware's anti-war and pro-freedom for the press to tell the truth, but he's got the biggest balls of anyone I've ever met in my life. He was right there the whole time. Because of Michael Ware, everything is corroborated. He was recording the fight the entire time. ** [[David Bellavia]], ''American Heroes'' (2024) by James Patterson & Matt Eversmann, New York: Little, Brown & Company, hardcover, p. 146 * They name me the first living recipient to earn the Medal of Honor for bravery in the Iraq War. A coworker of mine reads about the award. "Hey, some guy with your name is getting the Medal of Honor. Isn't that weird? How many David Bellavias are out there?" "I know, right? It's so weird," I say. '''It's surreal and unnatural to get credit when you've lived your entire life to be about the team. It's never about the individual. I'm not here to celebrate me.'''<br>I decide to be the first guy to bring his entire unit to the ceremony. If I'm going to go through with this, I'm going to go with the guys that I did it with fifteen years ago. So I get the whole crew in. I bring thirty-two service members to the ceremony in the East Room at the White House in June 2019, including the twelve who were there with me on that night in 2004, plus five Gold Star families, the interpreter, and Mick Ware. ** [[David Bellavia]], ''American Heroes'' (2024) by James Patterson & Matt Eversmann, New York: Little, Brown & Company, hardcover, p. 146-147 * '''I served with some of the greatest men I've ever met in my entire life. And I truly believe that 99 percent of our military is Medal of Honor capable. Any soldier who is put in a position to bleed in order to save people would do exactly what I did. This is who we are and how we were raised in the Armed Forces.''' There are a million reasons why we're divided in this country, but I've never cared what your skin color was, who you worshipped, how you voted, or who you loved. Male, female, if you are willing to get shot at for me and my buddies, I will follow you, and I will lead you anywhere. We're family. That's what makes us elite American warriors. When I was younger, I thought I needed hate to win, hate and anger at my enemy to sustain myself. Now, as I look back, I recognize that we don't fight out of hate. We fight for love- love of our country, our homeland, our family, and our unit. That's stronger than anything the enemy has. ** [[David Bellavia]], ''American Heroes'' (2024) by James Patterson & Matt Eversmann, New York: Little, Brown & Company, hardcover, p. 147 * '''When [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]] placed the Congressional Medal of Honor around my neck, it all came racing back to me. The blood flooding the floor of the helicopter and gushing out of the doors as we banked and ran from that Cambodian jungle. The sights and sounds of my six hours in hell. The agony of the wounded and dying kept repetitively flashing through my mind while I watched the honor guard and heard the president, my commander-in-chief, read the details of the award. I was not ashamed of the tears that blinded my eyes.''' ** Master Sergeant [[Roy Benavidez]], U.S. Army, Retired, with John R. Craig, ''Medal of Honor: A Vietnam Warrior's Story'' (1995), hardcover, p. xv * '''When I was a young man in the 1950s, right after World War II, there was a special category of hero everyone in America recognized: the men who wore the distinctive ribbon and star of the Medal of Honor. In those years when the legacy of war and sacrifice, bravery and humility was a touchstone in every community, the very mention of the Medal of Honor was part of the secular liturgy, an ideal to be honored and always remembered.''' ** [[Tom Brokaw]], "A Special Category of Hero", ''Medal of Honor: Portraits of Valor Beyond the Call of Duty'' (2003), by Peter Collier (text) & Nick Del Calzo (photographs), New York: Artisan, October 2006 second edition, p. x * '''I have learned from the MOH recipients invaluable and common lessons. They have an enduring humility about their heroic acts, almost always saying, "I'd rather talk about my buddy who didn't come back." They represent the fundamental fabric of America ethnically, geographically, and economically. They come in all sizes.''' My friend Jack Jacobs, a Vietnam-era MOH recipient, is a bantamweight. The late Joe Foss looked as if he could be a middle linebacker until the day he died in his mid-eighties. Bob Bush lost an eye on Okinawa, but he sees reality twice as well as anyone I know.<br>'''Over the years I've been privileged to attend any number of big deals, from presidential summits to state dinners to royal weddings, World Series, Super Bowls, and Broadway openings, but nothing means as much to me as the time I've spent with the Medal of Honor recipients''', many of whom you will read about in this book. '''They always make me laugh, make me cry, and, most of all, make me proud that we're fellow citizens.''' ** [[Tom Brokaw]], "A Special Category of Hero", ''Medal of Honor: Portraits of Valor Beyond the Call of Duty'' (2003), by Peter Collier (text) & Nick Del Calzo (photographs), New York: Artisan, October 2006 second edition, p. xi * '''It's not necessarily anything I welcome, but it's part of my job now. This isn't something we ask for, this is something that is bestowed upon you. And with it comes some obligations.''' ** Command Master Chief Petty Officer [[Edward Byers]], in a statement to ''Navy Times'' on 27 February 2016[[https://www.navytimes.com/news/your-navy/2016/02/28/navy-seal-recounts-daring-rescue-mission-that-led-to-medal-of-honor/] == C == * '''To tell you the truth, I did it. I know I did it. Other people know I did it. But I'll be God damned if I know how I did it.''' Put it that way. ** [[Hector A. Cafferata Jr.]] as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in Their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 129 * '''I don't remember much about the incident and I definitely don't remember what I was thinking about in the moment, but, again, that's the amazing thing about people: You never know how you're going to step up, or when.''' ** [[Kyle Carpenter]], ''You Are Worth It: Building a Life Worth Fighting For'' (2019), co-written with Don Yeager, New York: William Morrow, hardcover, p. 304 * Whereas the Medal of Honor is the highest distinction that can be awarded by the president, in the name of the congress, to members of the armed forces who have distinguished themselves conspicuously by gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of their lives above and beyond the call of duty ... Whereas public awareness of the importance of the Medal of Honor has declined in recent years; and Whereas the designation of National Medal of Honor Day will focus the efforts of national, State, and local organizations striving to foster public appreciation and recognition of Medal of Honor recipients." ** 101st United States Congress, Public Law 101-564, signed into law by President [[George H. W. Bush]] on 15 November 1990, establishing Medal of Honor Day for every 25 March starting in 1991. * '''The Medal of Honor is the United States' highest award for military valor in action. And while over 150 years have passed since its inception, the meaning behind the Medal has never tarnished. Etched within are the very values that each Recipient displayed in the moments that mattered—bravery, courage, sacrifice, integrity. A deep love of country and a desire to always do what is right.'''<br>'''A distinguished award presented only to the deserving, the Medal tells a story of its own.''' ** Congressional Medal of Honor Society, [https://www.cmohs.org/medal/The Medal of Honor] * Real heroes don't seek recognition- their acts of bravery generally take place under circumstances which permit no thought of medals or special awards. Sometimes heroism is prompted by the instinct for survival. Sometimes the unnatural excitement of battle drives men to apparently superhuman feats that surprise the performers as much as their witnesses. And, sometimes the deeds are coolly calculated by men who are fully aware of the possible risks and consequences involved. However, regardess of the types of men who become heroes and regardless of their motivations, Medal of Honor winners share certain attributes in common because of the rules established for the award. ** Donald E. Cooke, ''For Conspicuous Gallantry'' (1966), Maplewood: C.S. Hammond & Company, hardcover, p. 11 * Despite changes in the law, from 1862 forward, the Medal of Honor has represented the Nation's highest award for heroism in war and- occasionally- in peace. It has been the subject of many legends and misconceptions, but the fact is that most recipients have been modest men who have neither exploited it nor sought wide publicity for it.<br>Being a Medal of Honor hero has its moment of supreme glory when the award is made by a high official, often at a personal audience with the President of the United States. The wearers hold the honor with pride for the rest of their lives. But most of them prefer to cherish the medal quietly, without subsequent fanfare- not merely out of a sense of modesty, but because public knowledge of the award can actually become a liability. Often so much is expected of a Medal of Honor winner that if he makes even a slight mistake at his job or gets into any kind of financial or marital trouble, he is likely to be subjected to far more adverse criticism and unpleasant publicity than an ordinary citizen. ** Donald E. Cooke, ''For Conspicuous Gallantry'' (1966), Maplewood: C.S. Hammond & Company, hardcover, p. 12 * The figures tend to indicate that it is more difficult to earn a Medal of Honor now than in the past, and the fact is regulations governing this Nation's highest award have tightened over the years. The care with which legal terminology and restrictions have been worked out in connection with the Medal has made it virtually impossible for an undeserving person to become a recipient. However, no specific regulations can ever give assurance that all genuine heroes will be publicly honored. Undoubtedly there have been thousands of acts of supreme bravery that have gone unrecognized and unrewarded. But it is equally certain that to most of these heroes, courage, like virtue, is its own reward. ** Donald E. Cooke, ''For Conspicuous Gallantry'' (1966), Maplewood: C.S. Hammond & Company, hardcover, p. 13 * During the Civil War, and for some years afterward when the Army was fighting Indians on the western plains, the Medal of Honor was often awarded for deeds that would now be considered more melodramatic than heroic. In some cases, citations were later stricken from the roll after regulations for the Award were tightened. But in reviewing some of the past records, it becomes clear that popular notions of valor have changed to some degree with the changing times. War has lost its oldtime aura of glamor. An act which was once considered heroic might now be looked upon as merely foolhardy. Modern warfare is seen as a strictly practical, if ugly and unpleasant, job to be done. Because it is a mortally dangerous job, the men who see it through are the heroes. ** Donald E. Cooke, ''For Conspicuous Gallantry'' (1966), Maplewood: C.S. Hammond & Company, hardcover, p. 86 * The Medal of Honor was first awarded during the Civil War. Of the millions of Americans who have served in uniform since, only 3,429 have received America's highest award. Today only 164 recipients are living; one of whom is Colonel Wesley L. Fox (USMC Ret) who currently serves as Deputy Commandant at Virginia Tech. The Commandant of Cadets between 1884 and 1887 was Lieutenant John C. Gresham. Four years after leaving Virginia Tech his valor in action during the Indian Wars was recognized with the Medal of Honor.<br>Two great Americans who were not recipienst themselves perhaps best reflect the honor associated with the medal. President [[Harry S. Truman]] once said of the award, "I'd rather have this than be President." General [[George S. Patton]] told a recipient, "I would give my immortal soul for that medal." ** Lieutenant Colonel John A. Coulter II, U.S. Army, Ret., ''Ut Prosim: "Above and Beyond," The Story of Virginia Tech's Medal of Honor Recipients'' (2001), Blacksburg: Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets Development Council, paperback, preface * When I began this book, I felt that those heroes of Virginia Tech would likely have a common characteristic- perhaps a family trait, religion, athletic ability, or academic success. I found no such commonality. What Id id discover was seven men from different backgrounds and experiences, each set apart in a special way.<br>As I reviewed newspapers, official documents, personal letters, and interviewed family, friends and comrades, I started to feel as if I knew each of these men long departed from the light of this earth. Each responded to the nation's call to service immediately. Those who survived their gallantry continued to serve their nation in the way they were best suited. All exemplified the University's motto ''Ut Prosim'' (That I May Serve.) And they each were models in their lives of that trait which our nation has always depended on in its hours of need. ** Lieutenant Colonel John A. Coulter II, U.S. Army, Ret., ''Ut Prosim: "Above and Beyond," The Story of Virginia Tech's Medal of Honor Recipients'' (2001), Blacksburg: Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets Development Council, paperback, preface == E == * In a powerful show of support, fifteen Medal of Honor recipients have officially endorsed Donald Trump for the 2024 presidential election. These decorated veterans, who represent some of the highest honors in the military, sent a letter highlighting their belief in Trump's leadership and vision for the future of America. This rare endorsement by such a prestigious group adds to the growing political momentum for the former president as he seeks a return to the White House.<br>The letter, signed by Medal of Honor recipients from various branches of the military, praises Trump’s commitment to the country’s armed forces and his unwavering dedication to national security during his time in office. They expressed confidence that Trump is the right leader to tackle the challenges facing America today.<br>“We’ve seen firsthand what it takes to defend freedom,” the letter states. “President Trump has shown the same unwavering resolve and patriotism in his leadership. He’s the leader America desperately needs right now.”<br>The Medal of Honor recipients pointed to Trump’s military policies, including the rebuilding of the U.S. armed forces and his efforts to strengthen veterans' benefits. Many praised his push for higher defense budgets and his aggressive foreign policy stances, which they believe made the country safer during his presidency. ** ''EconoTimes'', [https://www.econotimes.com/Medal-of-Honor-Recipients-Endorse-Donald-Trump-Hes-the-Leader-America-Desperately-Needs-1690401/"Medal of Honor Recipients Endorse Donald Trump: ‘He’s the Leader America Desperately Needs’"], 13 October 2024 * In their letter, the honorees encouraged their fellow veterans and patriots across the country to join them in supporting Trump’s 2024 bid, emphasizing the need for a strong leader who values America’s military and is willing to make tough decisions in the nation’s best interest. “Donald Trump stood up for the military like no other president before him,” one recipient said in an interview with Military Times. “He fought to make sure we had the tools to succeed, and he cared about those who served.”<br>The letter also highlighted Trump's historic efforts in securing peace deals in the Middle East, his decisive actions against terrorism, and his administration’s tough stance against foreign adversaries like China and Iran.<br>Following the release of the letter, Trump expressed his gratitude to the Medal of Honor recipients, calling their endorsement an “incredible honor.” He took to his social media platform to thank the veterans for their service and support.<br>“These great heroes understand what it takes to protect America, and I am truly humbled by their endorsement,” Trump said. “Together, we will restore our country’s greatness and keep it safe for future generations.” ** ''EconoTimes'', [https://www.econotimes.com/Medal-of-Honor-Recipients-Endorse-Donald-Trump-Hes-the-Leader-America-Desperately-Needs-1690401/"Medal of Honor Recipients Endorse Donald Trump: ‘He’s the Leader America Desperately Needs’"], 13 October 2024 * Despite the high praise from the Medal of Honor recipients, Trump’s endorsement by military figures has not been without controversy. Critics point to instances during his presidency when he faced backlash for his remarks about military leaders and veterans, including a reported incident where he allegedly referred to fallen soldiers as “losers” and “suckers”—a claim he vehemently denied.<br>Nevertheless, the Medal of Honor recipients' endorsement is a significant boost to Trump’s campaign, signaling continued support from a critical voting bloc—veterans and military families. As the 2024 race heats up, Trump is expected to leverage this endorsement to strengthen his appeal to voters who prioritize national security and military strength. ** ''EconoTimes'', [https://www.econotimes.com/Medal-of-Honor-Recipients-Endorse-Donald-Trump-Hes-the-Leader-America-Desperately-Needs-1690401/"Medal of Honor Recipients Endorse Donald Trump: ‘He’s the Leader America Desperately Needs’"], 13 October 2024 == F == * [They have] whatever it takes to go out and do what they did to get the Medal of Honor, whatever it is- the guts, the courage, or whatever. They had the guts, and stupidity too. I didn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain. But I was mad a lot of the time, pissed off. '''I can truthfully say that I don't remember being scared to death. But I was God damn mad.''' Anger, hunger, and sex; those are the greatest instincts that we've got. Those are things we are born with. What else is there? ** [[John William Finn]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 68-69 * '''I have been asked if the Medal of Honor helped me advance throughout my career. When U.S. Army centralized selection boards meet to consider a soldier's qualifications for schools, commands, and promotion, awards and decorations are certainly considered. My philosophy has been straightforward- I paid little attention to where my officers went to college or what awards they have received in the past. Instead, I focused on what they could do today, tomorrow, and the next day in leading their soldiers and enhancing unit readiness. I am convinced that my superiors have, for the most part, exercised a similar outlook.''' ** Lieutenant General [[Robert F. Foley]], U.S. Army, Retired, ''Standing Tall: Leadership Lessons in the Life of a Soldier'' (2022), Philadelphia, Casemate, hardcover, p. 165 * On the other hand, there have been incidents in the past where Medal of Honor recipients expected special treatment. On one occasion, I received a phone call from the Fort Benning garrison commander requesting my advice about a newly arrived Medal of Honor recipient who complained that he was not being saluted as he wore his award around post and wanted to know when his welcome parade would be scheduled. I took very little time to straighten this soldier out. I see no evidence of expectations from today's recipients, but I have witnessed disdain from a few leaders with preconceived notions about the self-aggrandizing nature of Medal of Honor recipients. For example, one time a general officer and senior rater of my officer efficiency report said to me, "The blue ribbon you wear is an albatross around your neck." I am convinced that I have earned respect from others not due to past awards but because of who I am and the leadership attributes I possess that can help accomplish the mission and make a difference in leading soldiers. ** Lieutenant General [[Robert F. Foley]], U.S. Army, Retired, ''Standing Tall: Leadership Lessons in the Life of a Soldier'' (2022), Philadelphia, Casemate, hardcover, p. 165 * To [crewmember name],<br>'''As Captain, it has been an outstanding honor to be your representative in accepting the Congressional Medal of Honor for the extraordinary heroism above and beyond the call of duty which you and every officer and man in the ''Barb'' displayed.'''<br>'''How fortunate I am, how proud I am, that the President of the United States should permit me to be the caretaker of this most distinguished honor which the Nation has seen fit to bestow upon a gallant crew and a fighting ship, the ''Barb''.'''<br>Sincerely, Eugene B. Fluckey. ** Rear Admiral [[Eugene B. Fluckey]], ''Thunder Below!'' (1992), in a placard template prepared after Fluckey received the Medal of Honor in 1945; Fluckey personally signed a copy for every member of his crew. A photocopy of the original template is shown on p. 410. == G == * There were more bullets in the air than stars in the sky. A wall of bullets at every one at the same time with one crack and then a million other cracks afterwards. They're above you, in front of you, behind you, below you. They're hitting in the dirt early. They're going over your head. Just all over the place. They were close— as close as I've ever seen. ** [[Salvatore Giunta]], remarks on the 25 October 2007 battle that resulted in Giunta being awarded the Medal of Honor three years later. As quoted by Tim Hetherington in the ''Vanity Fair'' article "Medal of Honor Winner Salvatore Giunta on Bravery, Brotherhood, and the Korengal", published 11 November 2010. [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2010/11/medal-of-honor-winner-salvatore-giunta-on-bravery-brotherhood-and-the-korengal] * The president clasps the medal around my neck, and I can feel the weight of it now. We embrace for a moment- the president and me. Blinking back tears, I turn to face the audience and applause fills the room. But I know it's not for me alone. I know I am part of something bigger, something vast and still incomprehensible. I look at my mom and dad. I look at Brennan's parents, and I look at Mendoza's. And I try to communicate to Brennan and Mendoza wordlessly: ''This is for you... and for everyone who has fought and died. For everyone who has made the ultimate sacrifice. '''I am not a hero. I am just a soldier.''''' ** [[Salvatore Giunta]], ''Living With Honor'' (2012), New York: Simon & Schuster, hardcover, p. 3-4 * I think about my daughter often when I'm out traveling around, giving speeches, shaking hands, talking about my friends in the military. I want her to be proud of me, and to know that what I'm doing is important. I want her to know that '''I accept the Medal of Honor not for myself, but because it provides a forum for talking about my brothers and the job they are doing, and the sacrifices they've made. Those men and women who do the fighting- too often, they don't get to talk. I want their voices to be heard.''' ** [[Salvatore Giunta]], ''Living With Honor'' (2012), New York: Simon & Schuster, hardcover, p. 291 == H == * I love watching the brass lock their heels and snap to attention when they see that itty bitty ribbon. ** ''[[Heartbreak Ridge]]'' (1986), directed by and starring [[Clint Eastwood]]. Said by character Sergeant Major Choozoo. == J == * When I was decorated in 1969, there were 450 living recipients of the Medal of Honor. Today, there are only about one hundred, and the average age is near eighty. Statistically, in five years there will only be fifty or sixty still alive, and in less than fifteen years there will be none of us left. There has not been a living Medal of Honor recipient from any conflict since the war in Vietnam. ** [[Jack H. Jacobs]], ''If Not Now, When? Duty and Sacrifice in America's Time of Need'' (2008), hardcover, p. 271 * Perhaps now resigned to the verity that time waits for no one, recipients get together as often as possible, but forty years ago, when men now long gone were still young and were going to live forever, we gathered only every other year. At the first Medal of Honor Society dinner I attended, my tablemates included Charles "Commando" Kelly, the first recipient in Europe in World War II; the flamboyant Marine aviator Pappy Boyington; and the World War I ace [[Eddie Rickenbacker]], who sat to my immediate right. I was twenty-six and passing dinner rolls to a man who had piloted a biplane in dogfights against the Kaiser's "Flying Circus," before my father was born. And it is even more astonishing that also in attendance was Bill Seach, who was born in England in 1877 and had received the Medal of Honor for, among other exploits, leading a bayonet charge during the Boxer Rebellion in China in ''1900''. These men, proud representatives of both their nation and the valor of their fallen comrades, are all gone now. ** [[Jack H. Jacobs]], ''If Not Now, When? Duty and Sacrifice in America's Time of Need'' (2008), hardcover, p. 271-272 * Today, the oldest living recipient of the Medal of Honor is [[John William Finn|John Finn]], who was decorated for action on Pearl Harbor Day. Born in 1909, John joined the Navy in 1926, and, loquacious as we all tend to be when we finally grasp that we have too many stories and not enough time, he will transfix anyone who cares to listen with tales of what it was like to grow up before the First World War and to ply the Yangtze River as a young sailor aboard an American gunboat.<br>In 1941, he was stationed in Kaneohe Bay, with a squadron of Navy patrol planes. Rudely rousted from bed by the cacaphony of the Japanese bombs destroying the fleet anchored at Pearl Harbor, John raced from his quarters, sped to the hangars that housed his aircraft, and manned a .50-caliber machine gun mounted on an exposed section of a parking ramp. For the next two hours, Finn, in the open and suffering from more than twenty shrapnel wounds in his back and stomach, blasted at the attacking enemy planes, hitting many of them and not relinquishing his post until the attack was over. Even when we were young, those of us who were raised on stirring John Wayne war movies assumed there was more than a little hyperbole and cinematic license in them. But for forty years I have known a man whose real-life exploits render the movies limp, pallid, and ineffectual in contrast. Art can often approximate life, but it has a hard time doing it justice. ** [[Jack H. Jacobs]], ''If Not Now, When? Duty and Sacrifice in America's Time of Need'' (2008), hardcover, p. 272 * Recipients of the Medal of Honor really have little in common. They have been from every state, economic station, and ethnic group. But they have shared a strong sense of duty and of purpose and the motivating burden of personal responsibility at the perilous moment of decision. They feared death, but their biggest fear was failing themselves, their friends, and their nation, and thus they have been no different from the tens of millions of the other men and women who have served in uniform. ** [[Jack H. Jacobs]], ''If Not Now, When? Duty and Sacrifice in America's Time of Need'' (2008), hardcover, p. 273 * I never thought about it. I was sent there to participate, but they still wanted to know if there was anybody who would volunteer to pick these guys up. My answer is, 'It was the right thing to do. And I was the most logical person to do it.' By that time I was a military professional. My thoughts were: You should save your butt. The mission was to get the three guys, I got the three guys, and we got of there okay, and I'm happy. That's the limit of my thinking.<br>If you start thinking about medals, you're gonna lose your shirt. I've heard of several people who set out to win, not win, but be awarded the Medal of Honor, and, to my knowledge, every one of them got killed. ** Colonel [[Joe M. Jackson]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in Their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 348-349 == K == * The day before the army left Rhea's Mills, Jeff was surprised to hear his name called while the company was lined up at a morning inspection. Noah's name was called too. Obediently each took two steps forward and saluted. With a measured stamping of feet on the drill ground, half a dozen officers approached. Out of the corner of one eye, Jeff spied Clardy among them. Recoiling, he felt his insides tighten. What had he done now? The tramping stopped. A big man with black whiskers and two curved rows of brass buttons on the front of his blue dress coat, ambled up to Jeff and Noah. He was short and heavyset, with a thick neck and sloping shoulders. He walked with a roll, swaying his hips and planting his feet carefully, like a sea captain. In one hairy hand he carried a piece of paper. Everybody saluted. '''Then Jeff recognized General Blunt. Dumbfounded, he wondered what this was all about. In a bass voice sonorous as a bell, Blunt began reading from the document in his hand: "...for gallantry beyond the call of duty... distinguished themselves conspicuously at the risk of life... voluntarily assisted a battery that was hard pressed, although it was their first experience with artillery and they had already participated intrepidly in the infantry charge... the Medal of Honor, presented in the name of Congress."''' ** [[Harold Keith]], ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957), New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, hardcover, p. 141-142 * Then the general stepped so close that Jeff could smell the pomade on his thick black hair. Leaning forward, he passed a ribbon around Jeff's neck and underneath his collar. Suspended from the ribbon was a tiny piece of red, white and blue fabric. And dangling from the fabric was a shiny bronze star and eagle that flashed more brilliantly in the sunshine than even the general's gold shoulder bars. Noah got one, too. Just as Jeff began to realize that he and Noah were being decorated, the general was shaking hands stiffly with each of them. Jeff couldn't hide the embarrassment and the unbelief in his face. Somebody had made a mistake. He hadn't done anything in the battle but follow Noah. If this was the way the army handed out decorations, then something was wrong with the system. "Shoot, General," Jeff blurted in protest, "all we did was load her and swab her." ** [[Harold Keith]], ''Rifles for Watie'' (1957), New York: Thomas Y. Crowell, hardcover, p. 142 * I downplayed the fact that I was a Medal recipient until recently. I was too busy being a naval officer, and I certainly did not want to let having the Medal of Honor give me any special advantage when it came to accomplishing certain things, okay? I bent over backward to avoid that, so I ended up downplaying the Medal completely. But now I found that it does permit me to have doors opened here in the state of Massachusetts to help veterans, and for that reason alone I am probably more active than I used to be. ** Captain [[Thomas G. Kelley]], U.S. Navy, Ret., as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 280 * I don't consider the Medal my personal property. As a recipient, I feel I am wearing it to represent all the men and women who have served over the years with the same dedication and courage. Having said that, it did make me very aware of my responsibilities as a recipient, talking to kids, trying to instill the values of service, courage, honor, and duty, so it's been a very good part of my life. Personally and professionally it added a dimension. I certainly don't dwell on events of thirty-one years ago. That was thirty minutes out of my life and it came and went and life goes on. I've led a wonderful life since then. ** Captain [[Thomas G. Kelley]], U.S. Navy, Ret., as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 280-281 * '''Because the Medal of Honor is presented “in the name of the Congress of the United States,” it is frequently called the Congressional Medal of Honor. The terms are used interchangeably, but regardless of designation, the Medal of Honor remains the most prestigious and treasured of all decorations in the [[United States Armed Forces|armed services]].''' ** Colonel [[Cole C. Kingseed]], U.S. Army, Retired, [https://www.ausa.org/articles/lessons-followership-good-leaders-arent-always-out-front/ Medal of Honor Recipients Beat Prejudice, The Enemy], ''Association of the United States Army'', 1 April 2022 * The Medal of Honor is the most revered and highest award for military valor in action. Since the decoration’s inception in 1861, for the Navy, the medal has been bestowed in the name of Congress 3,530 times, including on one woman and on 19 individuals who have received multiple awards. The standards to award the medal have evolved over time. On July 25, 1963, Congress approved guidelines and established the current criteria to recognize “conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of one’s life above and beyond the call of duty.” Secretary of War Edwin Stanton first bestowed the medal on the surviving members of a Union Army scouting detachment known as Andrews’ Raiders on March 25, 1863. Pvt. Jacob Parrott holds the distinction of being the medal’s initial recipient. Though each honoree possesses a unique story and deserves the gratitude of the nation, three recipients illustrate that heroism can overcome prejudice. ** Colonel [[Cole C. Kingseed]], U.S. Army, Retired, [https://www.ausa.org/articles/lessons-followership-good-leaders-arent-always-out-front/ Medal of Honor Recipients Beat Prejudice, The Enemy], ''Association of the United States Army'', 1 April 2022 * Admission into the Congressional Medal of Honor Society cannot be purchased with any currency other than valor. Of the only seventy-two then-living recipients of the Medal of Honor- the nation's highest award for bravery in combat "above and beyond the call of duty"- fully forty-four attended the [2018] annual meeting in Annapolis, the society's first-ever event at the service academy. Each of them had emerged through a painstaking process that begins with a recomendation from their chain of command or Congress, is subjected to months of intense scrutiny and investigation by a Decorations Board and must be approved by the Pentagon's head of Manpower and Reserve Affairs, the chief of staff of their particular armed service, the secretary of defense, and ultimately the president of the United States. ** James Kitfield, ''In the Company of Heroes: The Inspiring Stories of Medal of Honor Recipients From America's Longest Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq'' (2021), first edition hardcover, p. ix-x * Besides the Patriot Awards dinner, the Medal of Honor Society's four-day convention included a town hall forum and autograph session with the public, a private lunch with Naval Academy midshipmen, a parade ground review of the academy's marching brigade, and a Navy football game. At every stop and venue, crowds gathered close to these heroes to be reminded of something essential about the American character. The extraordinary qualities and principles they embody are often lost in our celebrity culture and in the self-absorption of social medai, or they are discounted in an endless news cycle driven by sensational headlines and clickbait. Yet these men are nevertheless a true reflection of the parents and communities across the nation that raised them, and especially of the many nameless men and women in uniform who served by their sides and watched their backs. Their stories recall the broad sweep of history that has seen generation after generation of Americans called to duty in times of war. ** James Kitfield, ''In the Company of Heroes: The Inspiring Stories of Medal of Honor Recipients From America's Longest Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq'' (2021), first edition hardcover, p. x * That trumpet sounded even before President Abraham Lincoln first established the Medal of Honor in 1862 to recognize "such noncommissioned officers and privates as shall most distinguish themselves by their gallantry in action, and other soldier-like qualities during the present insurrection." In 1863 the medal became a permanent military decoration available to all in uniform, including commissioned officers. That expansion came in time to honor Colonel Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain. On July 2, 1863, during the Battle of Gettysburg, Chamberlain defended the left flank of the Union army from repeated Confederate attacks on Little Round Top. When his 20th Maine was decimated by casualties, and nearly out of ammunition, Chamberlain ordered a bayonet charge down the mountain that broke the Confederate lines and helped secure victory in the decisive battle of the Civil War.<br>So it has been with the other 3,526 Medals of Honor awarded since it was established, a constellation of heroism delineating a nation born of high ideals, yet defended and sustained only through martial will and bloody sacrifice. The arc of America's ascendance from a fledgling democracy ultimately to an unrivaled global superpower is also revealed in that accounting. ** James Kitfield, ''In the Company of Heroes: The Inspiring Stories of Medal of Honor Recipients From America's Longest Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq'' (2021), first edition hardcover, p. x-xi == L == * On Thursday, former President Donald Trump spoke at an event where he made some flippant remarks about the Medal of Honor and the heroes who have received it. In the video that has circulated online and in the media, the former president was recognizing Miriam Adelson in the audience who he awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom during his time in office. As he described the medal as the civilian version of the Medal of Honor, he went on to opine that the Medal of Freedom was “much better” than the military’s top award, because those awarded the latter are, in his words, “ … either in very bad shape because they’ve been hit so many times by bullets or they’re dead.” He continued by comparing Miriam to MoH recipients saying, “She gets it and she’s a healthy beautiful woman. They are rated equal.”<br>These asinine comments not only diminish the significance of our nation’s highest award for valor, but also crassly characterizes the sacrifices of those who have risked their lives above and beyond the call of duty.<br>When a candidate to serve as our military’s commander-in-chief so brazenly dismisses the valor and reverence symbolized by the Medal of Honor and those who have earned it, I must question whether they would discharge their responsibilities to our men and women in uniform with the seriousness and discernment necessary for such a powerful position. It is even more disappointing when these comments come from a man who already served in this noble office and should frankly already know better. ** Al Lipphardt, National Commander of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, [https://www.vfw.org/media-and-events/latest-releases/archives/2024/8/vfw-admonishes-former-president-for-medal-of-honor-remarks/"VFW Admonishes Former President for Medal of Honor Remarks"], 16 August 2024 * While the Presidential Medal of Freedom maybe our nation’s highest civilian award, the Medal of Honor is more sacred as it represents the gallantry and intrepidity of courageous and selfless service members, often at the cost of grievous wounds and even their lives. It’s because of our Medal of Honor recipients that great Americans like Miriam Adelson have the freedom to live to their fullest potential and make such lasting contributions to our great nation.<br>We would like to remind Mr. Trump that the 12 times he had the honor of awarding the Medal of Honor as president of the United States, those were heroes not of his own choosing. He bestowed those medals on behalf of Congress, representing all Americans of a grateful nation. We hold the donation of their lives in service to our country in the highest esteem, and so should he. ** Al Lipphardt, National Commander of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, [https://www.vfw.org/media-and-events/latest-releases/archives/2024/8/vfw-admonishes-former-president-for-medal-of-honor-remarks/"VFW Admonishes Former President for Medal of Honor Remarks"], 16 August 2024 == M == * These medal winners were not blessed with an ethereal gift that somehow rendered them fearless. To the contrary, they were as petrified as anyone else would be. Who wouldn't be afraid when outnumbered, outgunned, and alone? Who wouldn't tremble when a simple mistake will cost not only your life but the lives of many others? These heroes did not simply confront certain death. They got up in its face, smelled its heat, and challenged it to take them. One common trait that everyone in this collection had was an almost casual indifference to personal suffering. They each had responsibilities that trumped their almost certain demise, but they moved ahead nonetheless. Observe the actions of these Medal of Honor winners and you will see that first in their minds was the well-being of their fellows. They were willing to die to save lives. They each wanted to help more than they cared about living. ** Thomas P. McCarthy (editor), ''The Greatest Medal of Honor Stories Ever Told'' (2018), Guilford: Lyons Publishing, paperback, p. vi * In all the wars since the first medal was presented in 1861, there have been just a few more than 3,500 acts deemed worthy of this, the most prestigious medal the United States presents to its soldiers- and half that number of medals were bestowed during the Civil War. The winners of the Congressional Medal of Honor are in a rare and stratospheric atmosphere, as well they should be. Most Medal of Honor winners received theirs posthumously- a darkly simple way to gauge what it took to get one. The actions of these extraordinary heroes were, as Abraham Lincoln noted, "the last full measure of devotion." ** Thomas P. McCarthy (editor), ''The Greatest Medal of Honor Stories Ever Told'' (2018), Guilford: Lyons Publishing, paperback, p. vi * The men- and one woman to win a Congressional Medal of Honor- who performed such unimaginable acts of bravery had the ability to master fear so they could face the most horrible of deaths, and still move forward. What made them remarkable was that they controlled the fear. They acted as if it didn't matter that they would be suddenly and violently dispatched to Kingdom Come in an instant if things did not work out properly- and things rarely work out properly on the battlefield. Make a mistake in combat and it will be your last.<br>These Medal winners- all medal winners- confronted their fears and moved into the fray. These remarkable soldiers had in common an unshakeable nonchalance about their responsibilities and the heavy consequences they might face. They did not dwell on such vagaries, though. Uncommon valor is an indelible trait that staves off sway from the bloody battlefields of the Civil War through the lonely mountains of Afghanistan. That was their duty. The lives of others meant more to them than their own. ** Thomas P. McCarthy (editor), ''The Greatest Medal of Honor Stories Ever Told'' (2018), Guilford: Lyons Publishing, paperback, p. vii * But courage was not the purview of only the poor. [[Theodore Roosevelt|Teddy Roosevelt]], a man born of wealth, loved his country too. And he was willing to put his own privileged life on the line, just like the other heroes in this collection. He wrote of his men, two Rough Riders about to take San Juan Hill during the Spanish-American War: "Capron was going over his plans for the fight when we should meet the Spaniards on the morrow, Fish occasionally asking a question. They were both filled with eager longing to show their mettle, and both were rightly confident that if they lived they would win honorable renown and would rise high in their chosen profession. Within twelve hours they were both dead." Roosevelt knew what he was up against, and kept going. '''That's what every Medal of Honor winner has done: They faced death, and they rode on.''' ** Thomas P. McCarthy (editor), ''The Greatest Medal of Honor Stories Ever Told'' (2018), Guilford: Lyons Publishing, paperback, p. ix * The progression of the Medal of Honor, from an award intended to stimulate "efficiency" in the Navy to something only for those who have utterly disregarded their own lives for the sake of others, was something that could never have come to pass only by passage of laws and issuance of regulations. The Medal of Honor has been infused with a sanctity by the recipients themselves. During the Second World War, for the first time, more awards of the Medal of Honor were made to the dead than to the living. The same was true in Korea and Vietnam. If the Medal of Honor today has an intangible and solemn halo around it, it is partly due to those men who did not survive to wear it. The survivors who wear the medal frequently acknowledge this. They very rarely speak of glory, preferring instead to speak simply of their immense gratitude. As of this writing, there are 3,456 Medal of Honor recipients. Of those, only 147 are alive today. ** Allen Mikaelen, ''Medal of Honor: Profiles of America's Military Heroes From the Civil War to the Present'' (2003), New York: Hyperion, first edition hardcover, p. xxvi-xxvii * The Medal of Honor has been awarded to many who rose to prominence after they got home. Douglas MacArthur (and his father, Arthur), Audie Murphy, Eddie Rickenbacker, Alvin York, Bob Kerrey, James Stockdale, and Daniel Inouye are a few. But the overwhelming majority simply went on with their lives, or tried to. This book concentrates on them. Some stayed in the military; some rose to prominence as public servants; some lived in a state of constant financial trouble. But all of them lived lives that would be forgotten except for the efforts of relatives and, in some cases, a few dedicated historians. ** Allen Mikaelen, ''Medal of Honor: Profiles of America's Military Heroes From the Civil War to the Present'' (2003), New York: Hyperion, first edition hardcover, p. xxvii * Six fellow soldiers also received the Medal of Honor with me on that warm, clear day in June, 1971. However, only one man stood beside me. Tragically, the other five were awarded posthumously. Such sorrow reflects the magnitude of the actions of those individuals who are considered for the CMH. '''A female lieutenant colonel once asked me if I knew why they gave me the medal. She asked the question in such a way that I took it as meaning ''she'' knew the reason- did I? Her question pissed me off. I thought, what the hell do you know? How could you, who have never seen combat, possibly know? I was preparing to give it to her with both barrels at the conclusion of her comment.<br>However, she said something profound that hit the nail right square on the head. She said, "They gave you the medal because they realize that something has happened to you that they can't understand."'''<br>'''You were absolutely right, ma'am. My apologies.''' ** Command Sergeant Major [[Franklin D. Miller]], ''Reflections of a Warrior'' (1991), co-written with Elwood J.C. Kureth, Novato: Presidio Press, hardcover, p. 191 * It seemed like the entire world knew I'd come out of Womack's Nut Ward, and as a result I was accused of everything from shoplifting to armed robbery to murder. Nobody took my word for anything. Any derogatory stories that could be old about me were given maximum dissemination. '''When you have the Medal of Honor, all actions- good, bad, true, or false- are magnified, and an undue amount of significance is attached to each. My every move- real or imagined- became front-page news. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but not much.''' ** Command Sergeant Major [[Franklin D. Miller]], ''Reflections of a Warrior'' (1991), co-written with Elwood J.C. Kureth, Novato: Presidio Press, hardcover, p. 198 * I was resting, and some sergeant comes up to me and says, 'There's a guy from your home state wants to talk with you.' I said, 'Who?' He said, 'I don't know. Just follow me.' So I follow him into another room, nothing but lights in that room. A desk and a commanding general standing at the foot of it, a brigadier general of the Third Division. His name was Osborne. I was told to go up and see him. '''I'm wondering, 'What the hell am I going to see him for?' And he tells me, he says, 'Do you know you received the Congressional Medal of Honor?' All I could say was, 'What?' I'll never forget that. 'What for?''''<br>Then he asked me to relate my story. Why? I figured. Hell, I said, 'Geez.' I figured I might get court-martialed. And I told him I just felt I was doing my job, doing what I was trained to do. I didn't think I was a hero deserving of the Medal. That's when he told me the reason they didn't let my family know was they were afraid of reprisal from the enemy. Even though they finally released names and all, they still didn't let my wife know I'd received the Medal. They just told her I was alive.<br>Then we were sent to a port of debarkation, and I was given a choice of flying home or going home by troopship with the rest of the fellas. I figured, geez, that's a good time to recuperate, get built up a little. I think I weighed ninety-eight pounds. That ship took nineteen days to reach San Francisco. I was seasick I think eleven days on that boat. I went to Italy and back on a ship, never got sick. I went over the Japan Sea, one of the roughest, never got sick. And here was the smoothest ride back home, and I got sick. Anyway, we docked in San Francisco and I was the first one to debark. They gave me that honor. ** [[Hiroshi Miyamura]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 180-181 * I was the type of person, and I still am, who always wanted to be in the background. I'm a good listener. I'd rather be a listener than the one up there doing the talking. All through my school years, I could never get up in front of a class, and talk, read even. But wearing the Medal requires us to be in the public's eye, especially for the youngsters, the schoolkids. We get asked to talk to them whenever we attend the Medal of Honor conventions. That has changed my life. ** [[Hiroshi Miyamura]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 183 == P == * Every recipient has got to be different because, you take a guy from a coal mine or steel mill or the farm, and he's awarded the Medal of Honor, his life changes immediately. ** Colonel [[Mitchell Paige]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 18 * We're loyal Americans, Number One. Most of them are dependable. You can depend on them for anything. I think there's a feeling of unity in the Society that no other group in the country has because you know that people expect a lot of things from you, and you'll make a concerted effort to abide by that, and honor it. And I always mention that this doesn't belong to me. It belongs to thirty-three other guys, too. And then I can tell the story about that. I don't know how else to tell it because, after all, they were there and fought with me, but they didn't get anything but Purple Hearts. And half of them died. The last thing I ever thought about was a medal. ** Colonel [[Mitchell Paige]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 18 == R == * In April of 2011, almost a year after arriving back in the States, I ended my military career, moved my family from Colorado to North Dakota, and tried to put the Army behind me by taking a job as a safety supervisor in the oil fields just outside the town of Minot. It was there, in the autumn of 2012, that I found myself sitting in the cab of a pickup truck next to an oil rig when a call arrived from a colonel who was stationed at the Pentagon. He was phoning to ask if I'd be willing to hop on a plane to DC and drop by his office.<br>I had n idea what this might be about, but I'd already used up my vacation time for the year, so it was another month before I could comply with the request. When I was finally able to make the trip, I was brought into a conference room and invited to join a group of colonels and generals who were sitting at a long table. It was at this point that I requested and explanation for why I was there. "You don't know?" someone asked. When I shook my head, they explained that after conducting an extensive review of my actions during the Battle for Keating, I was slated to receive the Medal of Honor, the highest military award the country can bestow. ** [[Clinton Romesha]], ''Red Platoon'' (2016), p. 365 * It would be an understatement to say that I found this news confusing. In fact, it made no sense whatsoever. '''Singling me out for such a superlative commendation struck me as both inappropriate and wrong. In my view, nothing that I'd done that day was any different from what my comrades had accomplished. What's more, I could easily have picked half a dozen men- especially Gallegos, Kirk, Hardt, Mace, and Griffin- who truly deserved selection because they had given their lives in an effort to save others.'''<br>'''But me? No way.''' The idea seemed to violate my sense of what was most important- and what deserved to be commemorated- about that day. Although I didn't know it at the time, it turns out that most Medal of Honor recipients feel exactly the same way. It also turns out this fact has had very little impact on the way that I feel about the honor that I was selected to receive- and everything else that would later unfold from it. '''They picked the wrong guy.''' ** [[Clinton Romesha]], ''Red Platoon'' (2016), p. 365 * As for the medal itself, when I got back home, a question arise for which I really didn't have an answer: What exactly do I do with this thing? I don't know what most of the other recipients do, although I've asked a handful of them. A few have ordered up replacements so that they have something to wear and to show folks when they ask to see it, while they store the original in a safe-deposit box. Others keep the medal in a sock drawer or on their nightstand. As for me, I never bothered to ge a duplicate and I eventually took to carrying the original around in my front pocket. As a result, it's taken several accidental trips through the washing machine, so the gilded surface is a bit tarnished, and the blue ribbon has begun to fade. But that doesn't bother me a bit. In fact, I kind of like it that way, perhaps- in part- because I don't truly regard it as mine.<br>Like it or not, there are eight other guys with whom I served to whom that medal rightly belongs, because heroes- true heroes, the men whose spirit the medal embodies- don't ever come home. By that definition, I'm not a true hero. Instead, I'm a custodian and a caretaker. I hold the medal, and everything it represents, on behalf of those who are its rightful owners. That, more than anything, is the truth that now sustains me- along with one other thing too, which is a belief I hold in my heart.<br>'''I know, without a shred of doubt, that I would instantly trade the medal and everything attached to it if it would bring back even one of my missing comrades in arms.''' ** [[Clinton Romesha]], ''Red Platoon'' (2016), p. 369 == S == * The exact words from the citation of a Medal of Honor recipient state: "For conspicious gallantry and intrepidity, at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty." Those last words are particularly meaningful: "above and beyond the call of duty." ''Duty.'' Robert E. Lee used that word in explaining why he had to leave the Union Army and go into the Confederate Army. He said, "Duty is the sublimest word of them all." Lee was a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point, the institution I also attended. Its motto is "Duty, Honor, Country." ** General [[Norman Schwarzkopf Jr.]], Introduction to ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, pages xi * '''Over the years I've met many people who were heroes, and the interesting thing I've found about every single one of them, bar one, was that they did not think of themselves as heroes.''' They would say things like, "I couldn't leave my buddy out there. I couldn't do that." Or, someone would say, "Those bastards were shooting at us, and I was going to shoot back before one of my men got hurt." Or, "Shucks, sir, it was my duty." They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, valor is also in the eye of the beholder. Not one of the people who hold the Medal of Honor said at the time he took action, "Well, I think I'm getting ready to carry out a heroic act." Absolutely not.<br>In the minds of every single one of them at the time was something like, "Gosh, I've got to do it, because it's my duty to my country." Not even that. Rather, "It's my duty to my outfit." And not even that. "It's my duty to my buddy on my right, or my buddy on my left. That's what it was all about, as the stories in this volume will show. That's truly what it was all about.<br>And somebody else- the recipients probably don't even know to this day who- saw them do it. And said, "There's a hero." And truly the recipients of this great award, I am sure, even to this day would say, "Gosh, it was just my duty. It was just my job. It was just my buddy It was just my outfit. I had to do it." And that's what makes them heroes in my mind. The men who tell their stories in this book- indeed all the '''recipients of the Medal of Honor- embody the sense of duty in its deepest form. We thank them for doing their duty in serving their country.''' ** General [[Norman Schwarzkopf Jr.]], Introduction to ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. xi-xii * More than a dozen Congressional Medal of Honor recipients endorsed former President Trump in the 2024 presidential race. "We, 15 recipients of the Medal of Honor, having served this great nation in wars, support and endorse Donald J. Trump for President of the United States," they wrote. The recipients include those who have served in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam. ** Brooke Singman, [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/we-believe-donald-trump-more-than-dozen-medal-honor-recipients-endorse-former-president?msockid=36363094c6846cc502db236fc7e36d86/"'We believe in Donald Trump': More than a dozen Medal of Honor recipients endorse former president"], Fox News, 12 October 2024 * In an apparent swipe at Vice President Kamala Harris’ running mate, Minnesota Gov. [[Tim Walz]], the recipients said they believe that "fabricating military service is beneath the dignity of a veteran and demeaning to those who have served honorably in the Armed Forces." Walz had come under fire for his service in the Minnesota National Guard. He retired in 2005 after 24 years of service ahead of his battalion being deployed to Iraq. He’s been faced with accusations of "stolen valor," with some saying he retired early and did not complete trainings.<br>The recipients also said they believe that "the enemies of freedom must be defeated," and that "the flag is a powerful symbol of freedom."<br>"We believe the United States of America is the greatest nation the world has ever imagined. We believe in mutually pledging to every American our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor," they wrote. "We believe in Donald Trump."<br>Meanwhile, the Harris-Walz campaign touted in September the endorsements from "a bipartisan group of more than 700 national security leaders and former military officials."<br>The Harris-Walz campaign declined to comment on the Trump endorsements when reached Friday by Fox News Digital. ** Brooke Singman, [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/we-believe-donald-trump-more-than-dozen-medal-honor-recipients-endorse-former-president?msockid=36363094c6846cc502db236fc7e36d86/"'We believe in Donald Trump': More than a dozen Medal of Honor recipients endorse former president"], Fox News, 12 October 2024 == T == * As a soldier I know what the medal means. As a Senator I learned what the intent of Congress was in providing for this recognition of valor. But as President I realize that little is generally known of the history of this great decoration, or of the men who, during the last 172 years, have displayed the highest type of heroism in helping to build this Land of Liberty to its present position of world leadership. ** [[Harry S. Truman]], Foreword to ''The Medal of Honor'' (1948), published by the U.S. Department of the Army, hardcover, p. III * May the courage and heroism of which this medal is a symbol always remind us of our debt to these men, and clearly point to the personal responsibility which every American has today to share in the work of building a healthy and peaceful world. ** [[Harry S. Truman]], Foreword to ''The Medal of Honor'' (1948), published by the U.S. Department of the Army, hardcover, p. III == V == * On February 4 an invitation to the White House interrupted this schedule. My family and I were ushered into President Roosevelt's office. I had known the President, who with his charm made us feel completely at ease. With my wife and son looking on he read a citation and placed the Medal of Honor around my neck. ** [[Alexander Vandegrift]], ''Once a Marine: The Memoirs of General A.A. Vandegrift, U.S.M.C.'' (1964), New York: W.W. Norton & Company, first edition, hardcover, p. 212 * From then on, for me, it was just busy times with the Medal, but I had good teachers. A lot of the generals told me, 'Don't blow it. Watch your drinking. Don't cause any trouble because you've earned the highest medal. You're always gonna be showtime. You can't get a parking ticket.' And that's the hardest part, you can't... [live it up] like the old college days. But you've really got to watch yourself. And I think they knew that '''I've always been a "we" man, us." I don't think I'll ever change. That Medal could have gone to sixty-eight other guys that day, really could. So when I wear it, I wear it for everyone who's ever served. That's the way I look at the Medal.''' ** Colonel [[Jay R. Vargas]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 314 * They're very confident people. It's amazing. We all came from little bitty towns. A lot of us came from very poor families. They're down-to-earth people. They're not braggers. They just seem like they were put into a position for a very short period and whatever came out of them came out ten times stronger than you would ever expect your body or person to do in a particular situation. What drove me was I cared so much for my Marines. That was my family, and my responsibility was to lead them. That's a strong loyalty that comes from every Medal recipient I've met, and they're patriotic. It's like those country-and-western songs I grew up with. You know, they love kids, dogs, and all women. ** Colonel [[Jay R. Vargas]], as quoted in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, p. 314 == W == * My first contact with a Medal of Honor recipient didn't take place until 1957, long after I'd returned to civilian life and resumed my career in broadcast journalism. By that time, I was doing a weekly interview show on ABC, and one night the object of my scrutiny was a U.S. Army veteran who'd been getting a lot of controversial attention- as well as the Medal of Honor- for his heroic exploits during World War II. His square name was Charles Kelly, but to those familiar with his story, he was mainly known by his colorful nickname- "Commando" Kelly. (In our interview that night, I called him Chuck.)<br>In introducing Kelly to our viewers, I marveled at his various feats of valor, especially at the Battle of Salerno, where, single-handed, he'd killed 40 German soldiers in a span of 20 minutes.<br>But the controversy about Kelly dealt with his failure to flourish in civilian life. During the postwar years he had tried his hand at a number of jobs and business ventures, and nothing had panned out very well. There were reports that his booze problems had been at the root of his problems, and we talked about that. And as I would later discover, Kelly was not the only Medal of Honor recipient who had the melancholy experience of going from war hero to washout. ** [[Mike Wallace]], Introduction to ''Medal of Honor: Profiles of America's Military Heroes From the Civil War to the Present'' (2003) by Allen Mikaelen, New York: Hyperion, first edition hardcover, p. xii * General [[George S. Patton|George Patton]] once said that he would have given his immortal soul for the medal, and at least two occupants of the White House- [[Harry S. Truman|Harry Truman]] and [[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Johnson]]- told recipients they would rather have the medal than be president.<br>Incidentally, when the presentation ceremonies are held at the White House, it is customary for the President- the commander in chief of our Armed Forces- to salute the recipient, who then returns the salute. That tradition extends throughout the chain of command: When a recipient is wearing the Medal of Honor, he is generally the one to be saluted first, regardless of how low his rank may be. ** [[Mike Wallace]], Introduction to ''Medal of Honor: Profiles of America's Military Heroes From the Civil War to the Present'' (2003) by Allen Mikaelen, New York: Hyperion, first edition hardcover, p. xv * The Medal of Honor is the highest award that can be given to any individual by the United States of America. Conceived in the early 1860s, the medal has a colorful and inspiring history that has culminated in the standards applied today for awarding this respected decoration.<br>In their provisions for juding potential recipients, each of the armed services has established regulations that permit no margin of doubt or error. The deed of the person must be proven by incontestable evidence of at least two eyewitnesses; it must be so outstanding that it clearly distinguishes one's gallantry beyond the call of duty from other forms of bravery; it must involve risk of life; and it must be the type of deed that, if the nominee had not done it, would not result in any justified rebuke.<br>Apart from the great tribute it conveys, there are certain privileges that accompany the Medal of Honor. Its recipients can, under certain conditions, obtain free military air transportation. Special identification cards and military commissary and exchange privileges are provided for them and their qualified dependents. Children of recipients are eligible for admission to any of the military academies. Finally, recipients can receive a special pension of more than $1,000 per month. ** Col. James R. Woodall, U.S. Army, Ret., ''Texas Aggie Medals of Honor: Seven Heroes of World War II'' (2010), College Station: Texas A&M University Press, paperback, p. 10 * The Medal of Honor is presented to is recipients by a high official "in the name of the Congress of the United States"; for this reason it is sometimes called the Congressional Medal of Honor. As a general rule, the Medal of Honor may be awarded for a deed of personal bravery or self-sacrifice above and beyond the call of duty only while the person is a member of the U.S. armed forces in action against an enemy of the United States, while engaged in military operations involving conflict with a hostile foreign force, or while serving with friendly foreign forces engaged against an opposing armed force in an armed conflict in which the United States is not a belligerent party. But until passage of Public Law 88-77, the Navy could and did award Medals of Honor for bravery in the line of the naval profession, whether in times of peace or war. Such awards recognized bravery in saving life and other deeds of valor performed in submarine rescues, boiler explosions, turret fires, or other types of uniquely naval disasters. ** Col. James R. Woodall, U.S. Army, Ret., ''Texas Aggie Medals of Honor: Seven Heroes of World War II'' (2010), College Station: Texas A&M University Press, paperback, p. 10-11 * The Medal of Honor was not the idea of any one person. Like most concepts that have flowered into institutions and practices in our country, it was the result of group thought and action and evolved in response to a need of the times.<br>In the winter of 1861-1862, following the outbreak of the Civil War, there was much thought in Washington concerning the necessity for recognizing the deeds of the Federal soldiers, sailors and marines who were distinguishing themselves in the fighting. In 1861 Sen. James W. Grimes of Iowa introduced a bill to create a navy medal. Congress passed the measure and Pres. Abraham Lincoln signed it on December 21, 1861, thus establishing a Medal of Honor for enlisted men of the Navy and Marine Corps. This was the first decoration formally recognized by the U.S. government to be worn as a badge of honor. Action on an army medal was started two months later, when on February 17, 1862, Sen. Henry Wilson of Massachusetts introduced a Senate resolution providing for presentation of "medals of honor" to enlisted men of the Army and volunteer forces who "shall most distinguish themselves by their gallantry in action, and other soldier like qualities." President Lincoln's signature on July 12 made the resolution law. It was amended by an act approved on March 3, 1863, that extended its provision to include officers as well as enlisted men and made the provisions retroactive to the beginning of the Civil War. This legislation was to stand as the basis upon which the Army Medal of Honor could be awarded until July 9, 1918, when it was superseded by a completely revised statute. ** Col. James R. Woodall, U.S. Army, Ret., ''Texas Aggie Medals of Honor: Seven Heroes of World War II'' (2010), College Station: Texas A&M University Press, paperback, p. 11 * A total of 3,467 Medals of Honor have been awarded to members of the U.S. armed forces, including the five medals to foreign "unknowns." Over 60 percent of the Medals of Honor awarded during World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Somalia, Afghanistan and Iraq have been conferred posthumously. Recipients who survived their valorous actions, though, have found their lives forever changed. One day they are ordinary soldiers, anonymous as any in the armed forces, and the next they are declared the bravest of the brave. Their picture appears in newspapers and their families become subject to publicity. Then there are the hometown parades, the public speeches, the talks to veteran groups, and the autographs.<br>Even years after the associated war has ended, the medal is a powerful force in a recipient's life. It is uncommon for one to use the medal for personal gain. Most recipients speak modestly of it and are reluctant to make a special case of themselves; instead, most strive to uphold its dignity. It is, in the words of Ronald Ray, a Vietnam recipient, an "awesome responsibility." ** Col. James R. Woodall, U.S. Army, Ret., ''Texas Aggie Medals of Honor: Seven Heroes of World War II'' (2010), College Station: Texas A&M University Press, paperback, p. 19 ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} [[Category:United States Armed Forces]] [[Category:Awards]] sjpwui03l4gywsq33woda4lym451hij 0 259646 3944378 3921129 2026-05-23T07:03:37Z EarthDude 3228931 Using the lead from enwiki 3944378 wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[w:Bharatiya Janata Party|Bharatiya Janata Party]]''' ('''BJP'''; transl. Indian People's Party) is a [[Right-wing politics|right-wing]] to [[Far-right politics|far-right]] political party in [[India]], and one of the two major Indian political parties alongside the [[Indian National Congress]]. The BJP emerged from [[Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]]'s Bharatiya Jana Sangh. Since 2014, it has been the ruling political party in India under the incumbent [[Prime Minister of India|prime minister]] [[Narendra Modi]]. The BJP has close ideological and organisational links to the [[Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh]] (RSS), a right-wing paramilitary volunteer organisation. The party's policies adhere to [[Hindutva]], a [[Hindu nationalism|Hindu nationalist]] ideology. As of March 2026, it is the country's biggest political party in terms of representation in [[Parliament of India|the parliament]] as well as state legislatures. == Quotes == <!-- alphabetical list by author --> [[File:Bunga Teratai Yofieart.jpg|thumb|My philosophy is to use the stones hurled at me to make a bridge for myself; I believe in proving my critics wrong through my work. I keep saying, the more muck you throw at me, the brighter will the BJP lotus bloom. That is the nature of the lotus, it rises out of ''kīchaṛ'' (slush) to create exquisite beauty. - Narendra Modi ]] * [T]he election of the [[Hindu nationalism|Hindu nationalist]] Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) has been linked to incidents of violence against members of [[Dalit]], [[Islam in India|Muslim]], tribal and [[Christianity in India|Christian]] communities. Reports document the use of inflammatory remarks by BJP leaders against [[Minority group|minority groups]], and the rise of vigilantism targeting Muslims and Dalits. ** [[E. Tendayi Achiume]], [https://www.ohchr.org/sites/default/files/Documents/HRBodies/HRCouncil/AdvisoryCom/EliminationRacism/A_73_305.pdf "Contemporary forms of racism, racial discrimination, xenophobia and related intolerance"], [[w:OHCHR|OHCHR]], 6 August 2018. Quoted in [[Christophe Jaffrelot]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Modi_s_India/-fuUEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA452 ''Modi's India: Hindu Nationalism and the Rise of Ethnic Democracy''], Princeton University Press, April 11, 2023, p. 452. *Justice for all and appeasement of none. **BJP's credo. cited in Times of India August 15, 2018 [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/justice-for-all-appeasement-of-none-bjps-credo-nitin-gadkari/articleshow/65408219.cms] * To say that the BJP is [[Communalism (South Asia)|communal]] is absolutely absurd and without any basis. ** M. C. Chagla. Speech at BJP Plenary Session, quoted also in L.K. Advani: Presidential Address, Plenary Session (1995), and quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p.554 *After the [[Ayodhya]] demolition, the Congress government threatened to outlaw the BJP... but several [[Socialism|socialist]] and [[Caste system in India|casteist]] parties, the BJP's erstwhile allies in the struggle against [[The Emergency (India)|the Emergency]], refused to support the necessary legislative reform because they remembered all too well how small the distance is between such rhetoric of "protecting [[democracy]] against the communal forces" and the imposition of dictatorship... In several cases, moreover, elected candidates for the BJP or the [[w:Shiv_Sena|Shiv Sena]] have been taken to court for "corrupt electoral practices", meaning the "use" of religion in their campaigns; some of them won their cases, some of them lost, but the danger inherent in openly identifying with the Hindu cause was certainly driven home. [...] <br> Without exaggeration, the BJP's Ayodhya campaign was the single biggest [[public relations]] disaster in world history. [...] Even though the BJP's White Paper on Ayodhya and the [[w:Rama_Temple_Movement|Rama Temple Movement]] (1993) is a well-written and generally complete document, certainly the best chronology of the whole Ayodhya dispute, it leaves out a discussion of the one historical fact that justifies and lends importance to the Ayodhya movement, viz. that the demolition of the medieval Rama temple at the site was by no means an isolated event, but a necessary consequence of Islamic doctrine. **Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *Today the BJP is the only major party with a fully developed and actually functioning intra-party democracy. ** Elst, K. (2010). The saffron swastika: The notion of "Hindu fascism". (p671) *The strange thing about the BJP is that its voters consider it a [[Hindu]] party, its enemies denounce it as a [[Hindu]] party, but the party will call itself anything except a [[Hindu]] party. **Koenraad Elst, BJP vis-a-vis [[Hindu]] Resurgence. Quoted from Makarand Paranjape (2017) Imagining India: Aurobindo, Ambedkar, and After, South Asian Review, 28:1, 159-185, DOI: 10.1080/02759527.2007.11932508 *However, contrary to what the observers all think or say, the present BJP government under Narendra Modi, while numerically strong, is ideologically extremely weak. It is not in any way Hinduizing or "saffronizing" the polity or the [[Education in India|education system]]. It is continuing the Congressite-[[Left-wing politics|Leftist]] [[Anti-Hindu sentiment|anti-Hindu]] policies mandated by the [[Constitution of India|Constitution]], or at best looking the other way but not changing the Constitution to put a definitive stop to such policies. Thus, subsidized schools can be Christian or Muslim, but not Hindu: in the latter case, either they get taken over by the [[Government of India|state]] and [[Secularism in India|secularized]], or at best, they have to do without subsidies. [[Temple|Temples]] are [[Nationalism|nationalized]] and their [[income]] channeled to non-Hindu purposes, a treatment against which the law protects [[Church|churches]] and [[Mosque|mosques]]. And this is no less the case in BJP-ruled states, where the Government could have chosen not to avail of the opportunities given to it by the Constitution. ** [[Koenraad Elst|Elst, Koenraad]]. Hindu Dharma and the Culture Wars. (2019). New Delhi : Rupa. Chapter 16, RSS in western media * The record of BJP governance has utterly disproved the shrill allegations of “Hindu fascism”. **Elst K. Return of the Swastika : Hate and Hysteria versus Hindu Sanity (2007) (Ch 1) * [B]oth of these forces are driving illiberal political movements in many parts of the world... India was a liberal society created by [[Jawaharlal Nehru|Nehru]] and [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] but under the [[Bharatiya Janata Party|BJP]] and Prime Minister [[Narendra Modi|Modi]] it's shifted its national identity to one based on [[Hindu nationalism]]. In [[Hungary]], with the rise of [[Viktor Orbán]] and the {{w|Fidesz}} party Hugarian national identity has been redefined. Orbán has said Hugarian national identity is based on Hugarian ethnicity, which... is one of the reasons that [[World War II]] happened, because the [[Germans]] wanted to define [[Germany|German]] identity on the basis of German ethnicity, and there were many Germans living in... surrounding... [[central Europe]]... and that was... the trigger that led to the outbreak of the [[World War II|Second World War]]. ** [[Francis Fukuyama]], A YouTube Creative Commons video, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9GhbZeXmT0&t=325s Dr Francis Fukuyama on liberalism and the 2020 US presidential election] (Nov 18, 2020), [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9GhbZeXmT0&t=1037s 17:17] * The BJP seeks to link up internationally with the democratic, non-racist [[Conservatism|Right]]. ** Gérard Heuzé, ''Où va l'Inde moderne''. p. 12. Quoted in Elst, K. (2010). ''The saffron swastika: The notion of "Hindu fascism"''. p. 713. * The BJP is not a communal party; it cannot be, for the simple reason that [[Hindus]] have never been, and are not, a community in the accepted sense of the term. They represent an ancient civilization not known either to draw a boundary between the faithful and the faithless, the blessed and the damned, or to engage in heresy hunting and its counterpart, persecution of other faiths. [[Hindus]] are, in western terms, pagans. ** Girilal Jain, Page 149, The [[Hindu]] Phenomenon, {{ISBN|81-86112-32-4}}. *Unlike [[Islamic fundamentalism|Islamic fundamentalists]], the BJP does not claim to possess a blueprint. It shall have to struggle to evolve an Indian approach to modern problems. **Girilal Jain, Page 105, The [[Hindu]] Phenomenon, {{ISBN|81-86112-32-4}}. * In both [[India]] and [[Pakistan]] civilian politics have taken on a [[military]] tinge, with some political parties sponsoring paramilitary organisations whose members wear uniforms, march in formation with flags and carry sticks to menace their opponents. Or in the case of India’s Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) it looks more as though the paramilitary [[Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh]] (RSS) sponsors it. ** [[Margaret MacMillan]], ''War: How Conflict Shapes Us'' (2020) * As far as the BJP is concerned, our belief has been the same for years. '''Justice to all, appeasement of none.''' We cannot support divisive politics. We strongly believe in President [[A. P. J. Abdul Kalam]] when he says we need 'unity of minds'. '''People who played the politics of appeasement have ruined the country, not us.''' Blame them. **Narendra Modi <small> Interview given to ''[[w:Rediff.com|Rediff]]'', [http://www.rediff.com/news/2002/aug/27inter.htm "'The BJP is unstoppable'"] (27 August 2002).</small> *'''In some states, hundreds of our workers have been killed because of their political views. Political untouchability is gaining ground by the day. In some places, just the name of BJP is enough to create an atmosphere of untouchability.... Why are our workers killed or attacked in Kashmir, Kerala or Bengal? It is shameful and anti-democratic... But today, in the political canvas of the nation, if there is one party that lives and breathes democracy, it is the BJP.''' **Narendra Modi quoted in BJP Lives And Breathes Democracy Despite Facing Political Untouchability And Violence’: PM Modi In Varanasi [https://swarajyamag.com/insta/bjp-lives-and-breathes-democracy-despite-facing-political-untouchability-and-violence-pm-modi-in-varanasi] [https://www.ndtv.com/india-news/after-mega-victory-pm-narendra-modi-says-the-bjp-suffered-political-untouchability-violence-2043561 NDTV] *My [[philosophy]] is to use the stones hurled at me to make a bridge for myself; I believe in proving my critics wrong through my work. I keep saying, the more muck you throw at me, the brighter will the BJP [[lotus]] bloom. That is the nature of the lotus, it rises out of keechhad (slush) to create exquisite beauty. **Narendra Modi in interview 2013, quoted from Kishwar, Madhu (2014). Modi, Muslims and media: Voices from Narendra Modi's Gujarat. p.164 * The difference between Congress and BJP cannot be more apparent... We stand with Kashmiri Pandits, they stand with those who want two Constitutions and two PMs in the country. We stand to protect and preserve national integrity, they stand to protect those who are guilty of sedition. We stand to ensure quality health to women and children, while it is proven that they loot the money meant for women and children. We stand for democracy, they stand for dynasty, we stand for India First, they stand for Family First. **Narendra Modi. "2014 was a mandate for hope and aspiration, 2019 is about confidence and acceleration", 2019 <small>Interview, April 18, 2019 with Times of India [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/2014-was-a-mandate-for-hope-and-aspiration-2019-is-about-confidence-and-acceleration-pm-modi/articleshow/68920680.cms 2014 was a mandate for hope and aspiration, 2019 is about confidence and acceleration]</small> * In 2008, Hindutva leader [[w:Baikunth Lal Sharma|B.L. Sharma]] 'Prem' held a secret meeting with key members of a [[Terrorism in India|terrorist]] group responsible for a nationwide [[Bombs|bombing]] campaign [[w:Violence against Muslims in India|targeting Muslims]]. [...] Like's Europe's mainstream right-wing parties, the BJP has condemned the [[w:Right-wing terrorism|terrorism of the right]] — but not the thought system which drives it. Its refusal to engage in serious introspection, or even to unequivocally condemn Hindutva violence, has been nothing short of disgraceful. [[w:Liberalism in India|Liberal]] parties, including the Congress, have been equally evasive in their critique of both Hindutva and [[Islamist]] [[Islamic terrorism|terrorism]]. Besieged as India is by multiple [[fundamentalism]]s, in the throes of a social crisis that runs far deeper than in Europe, with institutions far weaker, it must reflect carefully on [[Anders Behring Breivik|Mr. Brevik]]'s story — or run real risks to its survival. ** [[Praveen Swami]], ''[https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/anders-breivik-europes-blind-right-eye/article2290619.ece Anders Breivik & Europe's blind right eye]'' (July 25, 2011), ''{{w|The Hindu}}'' == External links == {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Political parties in India]] [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] gwbdmtf48ozj5d93jxo44j86lzx9cqs 3944382 3944378 2026-05-23T07:10:50Z EarthDude 3228931 More appropriate under this cat 3944382 wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[w:Bharatiya Janata Party|Bharatiya Janata Party]]''' ('''BJP'''; transl. Indian People's Party) is a [[Right-wing politics|right-wing]] to [[Far-right politics|far-right]] political party in [[India]], and one of the two major Indian political parties alongside the [[Indian National Congress]]. The BJP emerged from [[Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]]'s Bharatiya Jana Sangh. Since 2014, it has been the ruling political party in India under the incumbent [[Prime Minister of India|prime minister]] [[Narendra Modi]]. The BJP has close ideological and organisational links to the [[Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh]] (RSS), a right-wing paramilitary volunteer organisation. The party's policies adhere to [[Hindutva]], a [[Hindu nationalism|Hindu nationalist]] ideology. As of March 2026, it is the country's biggest political party in terms of representation in [[Parliament of India|the parliament]] as well as state legislatures. == Quotes == <!-- alphabetical list by author --> [[File:Bunga Teratai Yofieart.jpg|thumb|My philosophy is to use the stones hurled at me to make a bridge for myself; I believe in proving my critics wrong through my work. I keep saying, the more muck you throw at me, the brighter will the BJP lotus bloom. That is the nature of the lotus, it rises out of ''kīchaṛ'' (slush) to create exquisite beauty. - Narendra Modi ]] * [T]he election of the [[Hindu nationalism|Hindu nationalist]] Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) has been linked to incidents of violence against members of [[Dalit]], [[Islam in India|Muslim]], tribal and [[Christianity in India|Christian]] communities. Reports document the use of inflammatory remarks by BJP leaders against [[Minority group|minority groups]], and the rise of vigilantism targeting Muslims and Dalits. ** [[E. Tendayi Achiume]], [https://www.ohchr.org/sites/default/files/Documents/HRBodies/HRCouncil/AdvisoryCom/EliminationRacism/A_73_305.pdf "Contemporary forms of racism, racial discrimination, xenophobia and related intolerance"], [[w:OHCHR|OHCHR]], 6 August 2018. Quoted in [[Christophe Jaffrelot]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Modi_s_India/-fuUEAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA452 ''Modi's India: Hindu Nationalism and the Rise of Ethnic Democracy''], Princeton University Press, April 11, 2023, p. 452. *Justice for all and appeasement of none. **BJP's credo. cited in Times of India August 15, 2018 [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/justice-for-all-appeasement-of-none-bjps-credo-nitin-gadkari/articleshow/65408219.cms] * To say that the BJP is [[Communalism (South Asia)|communal]] is absolutely absurd and without any basis. ** M. C. Chagla. Speech at BJP Plenary Session, quoted also in L.K. Advani: Presidential Address, Plenary Session (1995), and quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2001). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p.554 *After the [[Ayodhya]] demolition, the Congress government threatened to outlaw the BJP... but several [[Socialism|socialist]] and [[Caste system in India|casteist]] parties, the BJP's erstwhile allies in the struggle against [[The Emergency (India)|the Emergency]], refused to support the necessary legislative reform because they remembered all too well how small the distance is between such rhetoric of "protecting [[democracy]] against the communal forces" and the imposition of dictatorship... In several cases, moreover, elected candidates for the BJP or the [[w:Shiv_Sena|Shiv Sena]] have been taken to court for "corrupt electoral practices", meaning the "use" of religion in their campaigns; some of them won their cases, some of them lost, but the danger inherent in openly identifying with the Hindu cause was certainly driven home. [...] <br> Without exaggeration, the BJP's Ayodhya campaign was the single biggest [[public relations]] disaster in world history. [...] Even though the BJP's White Paper on Ayodhya and the [[w:Rama_Temple_Movement|Rama Temple Movement]] (1993) is a well-written and generally complete document, certainly the best chronology of the whole Ayodhya dispute, it leaves out a discussion of the one historical fact that justifies and lends importance to the Ayodhya movement, viz. that the demolition of the medieval Rama temple at the site was by no means an isolated event, but a necessary consequence of Islamic doctrine. **Elst, Koenraad. (1997) BJP vis-à-vis Hindu Resurgence *Today the BJP is the only major party with a fully developed and actually functioning intra-party democracy. ** Elst, K. (2010). The saffron swastika: The notion of "Hindu fascism". (p671) *The strange thing about the BJP is that its voters consider it a [[Hindu]] party, its enemies denounce it as a [[Hindu]] party, but the party will call itself anything except a [[Hindu]] party. **Koenraad Elst, BJP vis-a-vis [[Hindu]] Resurgence. Quoted from Makarand Paranjape (2017) Imagining India: Aurobindo, Ambedkar, and After, South Asian Review, 28:1, 159-185, DOI: 10.1080/02759527.2007.11932508 *However, contrary to what the observers all think or say, the present BJP government under Narendra Modi, while numerically strong, is ideologically extremely weak. It is not in any way Hinduizing or "saffronizing" the polity or the [[Education in India|education system]]. It is continuing the Congressite-[[Left-wing politics|Leftist]] [[Anti-Hindu sentiment|anti-Hindu]] policies mandated by the [[Constitution of India|Constitution]], or at best looking the other way but not changing the Constitution to put a definitive stop to such policies. Thus, subsidized schools can be Christian or Muslim, but not Hindu: in the latter case, either they get taken over by the [[Government of India|state]] and [[Secularism in India|secularized]], or at best, they have to do without subsidies. [[Temple|Temples]] are [[Nationalism|nationalized]] and their [[income]] channeled to non-Hindu purposes, a treatment against which the law protects [[Church|churches]] and [[Mosque|mosques]]. And this is no less the case in BJP-ruled states, where the Government could have chosen not to avail of the opportunities given to it by the Constitution. ** [[Koenraad Elst|Elst, Koenraad]]. Hindu Dharma and the Culture Wars. (2019). New Delhi : Rupa. Chapter 16, RSS in western media * The record of BJP governance has utterly disproved the shrill allegations of “Hindu fascism”. **Elst K. Return of the Swastika : Hate and Hysteria versus Hindu Sanity (2007) (Ch 1) * [B]oth of these forces are driving illiberal political movements in many parts of the world... India was a liberal society created by [[Jawaharlal Nehru|Nehru]] and [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] but under the [[Bharatiya Janata Party|BJP]] and Prime Minister [[Narendra Modi|Modi]] it's shifted its national identity to one based on [[Hindu nationalism]]. In [[Hungary]], with the rise of [[Viktor Orbán]] and the {{w|Fidesz}} party Hugarian national identity has been redefined. Orbán has said Hugarian national identity is based on Hugarian ethnicity, which... is one of the reasons that [[World War II]] happened, because the [[Germans]] wanted to define [[Germany|German]] identity on the basis of German ethnicity, and there were many Germans living in... surrounding... [[central Europe]]... and that was... the trigger that led to the outbreak of the [[World War II|Second World War]]. ** [[Francis Fukuyama]], A YouTube Creative Commons video, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9GhbZeXmT0&t=325s Dr Francis Fukuyama on liberalism and the 2020 US presidential election] (Nov 18, 2020), [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9GhbZeXmT0&t=1037s 17:17] * The BJP seeks to link up internationally with the democratic, non-racist [[Conservatism|Right]]. ** Gérard Heuzé, ''Où va l'Inde moderne''. p. 12. Quoted in Elst, K. (2010). ''The saffron swastika: The notion of "Hindu fascism"''. p. 713. * The BJP is not a communal party; it cannot be, for the simple reason that [[Hindus]] have never been, and are not, a community in the accepted sense of the term. They represent an ancient civilization not known either to draw a boundary between the faithful and the faithless, the blessed and the damned, or to engage in heresy hunting and its counterpart, persecution of other faiths. [[Hindus]] are, in western terms, pagans. ** Girilal Jain, Page 149, The [[Hindu]] Phenomenon, {{ISBN|81-86112-32-4}}. *Unlike [[Islamic fundamentalism|Islamic fundamentalists]], the BJP does not claim to possess a blueprint. It shall have to struggle to evolve an Indian approach to modern problems. **Girilal Jain, Page 105, The [[Hindu]] Phenomenon, {{ISBN|81-86112-32-4}}. * In both [[India]] and [[Pakistan]] civilian politics have taken on a [[military]] tinge, with some political parties sponsoring paramilitary organisations whose members wear uniforms, march in formation with flags and carry sticks to menace their opponents. Or in the case of India’s Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) it looks more as though the paramilitary [[Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh]] (RSS) sponsors it. ** [[Margaret MacMillan]], ''War: How Conflict Shapes Us'' (2020) * As far as the BJP is concerned, our belief has been the same for years. '''Justice to all, appeasement of none.''' We cannot support divisive politics. We strongly believe in President [[A. P. J. Abdul Kalam]] when he says we need 'unity of minds'. '''People who played the politics of appeasement have ruined the country, not us.''' Blame them. **Narendra Modi <small> Interview given to ''[[w:Rediff.com|Rediff]]'', [http://www.rediff.com/news/2002/aug/27inter.htm "'The BJP is unstoppable'"] (27 August 2002).</small> *'''In some states, hundreds of our workers have been killed because of their political views. Political untouchability is gaining ground by the day. In some places, just the name of BJP is enough to create an atmosphere of untouchability.... Why are our workers killed or attacked in Kashmir, Kerala or Bengal? It is shameful and anti-democratic... But today, in the political canvas of the nation, if there is one party that lives and breathes democracy, it is the BJP.''' **Narendra Modi quoted in BJP Lives And Breathes Democracy Despite Facing Political Untouchability And Violence’: PM Modi In Varanasi [https://swarajyamag.com/insta/bjp-lives-and-breathes-democracy-despite-facing-political-untouchability-and-violence-pm-modi-in-varanasi] [https://www.ndtv.com/india-news/after-mega-victory-pm-narendra-modi-says-the-bjp-suffered-political-untouchability-violence-2043561 NDTV] *My [[philosophy]] is to use the stones hurled at me to make a bridge for myself; I believe in proving my critics wrong through my work. I keep saying, the more muck you throw at me, the brighter will the BJP [[lotus]] bloom. That is the nature of the lotus, it rises out of keechhad (slush) to create exquisite beauty. **Narendra Modi in interview 2013, quoted from Kishwar, Madhu (2014). Modi, Muslims and media: Voices from Narendra Modi's Gujarat. p.164 * The difference between Congress and BJP cannot be more apparent... We stand with Kashmiri Pandits, they stand with those who want two Constitutions and two PMs in the country. We stand to protect and preserve national integrity, they stand to protect those who are guilty of sedition. We stand to ensure quality health to women and children, while it is proven that they loot the money meant for women and children. We stand for democracy, they stand for dynasty, we stand for India First, they stand for Family First. **Narendra Modi. "2014 was a mandate for hope and aspiration, 2019 is about confidence and acceleration", 2019 <small>Interview, April 18, 2019 with Times of India [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/2014-was-a-mandate-for-hope-and-aspiration-2019-is-about-confidence-and-acceleration-pm-modi/articleshow/68920680.cms 2014 was a mandate for hope and aspiration, 2019 is about confidence and acceleration]</small> * In 2008, Hindutva leader [[w:Baikunth Lal Sharma|B.L. Sharma]] 'Prem' held a secret meeting with key members of a [[Terrorism in India|terrorist]] group responsible for a nationwide [[Bombs|bombing]] campaign [[w:Violence against Muslims in India|targeting Muslims]]. [...] Like's Europe's mainstream right-wing parties, the BJP has condemned the [[w:Right-wing terrorism|terrorism of the right]] — but not the thought system which drives it. Its refusal to engage in serious introspection, or even to unequivocally condemn Hindutva violence, has been nothing short of disgraceful. [[w:Liberalism in India|Liberal]] parties, including the Congress, have been equally evasive in their critique of both Hindutva and [[Islamist]] [[Islamic terrorism|terrorism]]. Besieged as India is by multiple [[fundamentalism]]s, in the throes of a social crisis that runs far deeper than in Europe, with institutions far weaker, it must reflect carefully on [[Anders Behring Breivik|Mr. Brevik]]'s story — or run real risks to its survival. ** [[Praveen Swami]], ''[https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/anders-breivik-europes-blind-right-eye/article2290619.ece Anders Breivik & Europe's blind right eye]'' (July 25, 2011), ''{{w|The Hindu}}'' == External links == {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Bharatiya Janata Party| ]] [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] daplbezlj16juooxqso60mcr1tv0j2b 0 262073 3944359 3894713 2026-05-23T03:29:16Z ~2026-30567-48 3327720 3944359 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Stephen Samuel Wise|Stephen Samuel Wise]]''' ([[March 17]], [[1874]] – [[April 19]], [[1949]]) was an early 20th-century American Reform rabbi and [[Zionism|Zionist]] leader in the Progressive Era. Born in Budapest, he was an infant when his family immigrated to New York. He followed his father and grandfather in becoming a rabbi, serving in New York and in Portland, Oregon. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Wise, Stephen Samuel}} [[Category:1874 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Rabbis from the United States]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] == Quotes == * Some call it [[Marxism]]; I call it [[Judaism]]! ** In an address from the Free Synagogue, New York. As quoted in ''[https://www.jstor.org/stable/community.28144695?seq=2 Common Sense]'', No. 485 (December 15, 1966) * With the rise of the Soviet Regime [[Jews]] have been granted rights not accorded even in the most advanced countries. The [[state]], which previously did not employ any Jews, now employs in White Russia 61 per cent Jewish officials. A Jew is commander of the Ukrainian Army; a Jew is President of the State Bank; Jews occupy almost all important ambassadorial positions; universities, professions, judiciary and administration, now have a greater percentage than any other nationality. Anti-Semitism has been declared a state offense, and is punished as counter-revolution. ** In ''Jewish Opinion'', December, 1933. As quoted in ''[https://www.jstor.org/stable/community.28144695?seq=2 Common Sense]'', No. 485 (December 15, 1966) * We have chosen Palestine, and over again, we choose Palestine of our own free will — not under compulsion, not because of necessity, but because such a choice is in conformity to an ancient tradition and in fulfillment of an eternal longing. ** Quoted by [https://wiki.projectherzl.com/wiki/Zionist_quotes_on_colonialism Project Herzl] 8zgrbsfsxxw2ei51rdpbjq5jubjyp5g 3944360 3944359 2026-05-23T03:29:43Z ~2026-30567-48 3327720 3944360 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Stephen Samuel Wise|Stephen Samuel Wise]]''' ([[March 17]], [[1874]] – [[April 19]], [[1949]]) was an early 20th-century American Reform rabbi and [[Zionism|Zionist]] leader in the Progressive Era. Born in Budapest, he was an infant when his family immigrated to New York. He followed his father and grandfather in becoming a rabbi, serving in New York and in Portland, Oregon. == Quotes == * Some call it [[Marxism]]; I call it [[Judaism]]! ** In an address from the Free Synagogue, New York. As quoted in ''[https://www.jstor.org/stable/community.28144695?seq=2 Common Sense]'', No. 485 (December 15, 1966) * With the rise of the Soviet Regime [[Jews]] have been granted rights not accorded even in the most advanced countries. The [[state]], which previously did not employ any Jews, now employs in White Russia 61 per cent Jewish officials. A Jew is commander of the Ukrainian Army; a Jew is President of the State Bank; Jews occupy almost all important ambassadorial positions; universities, professions, judiciary and administration, now have a greater percentage than any other nationality. Anti-Semitism has been declared a state offense, and is punished as counter-revolution. ** In ''Jewish Opinion'', December, 1933. As quoted in ''[https://www.jstor.org/stable/community.28144695?seq=2 Common Sense]'', No. 485 (December 15, 1966) * We have chosen Palestine, and over again, we choose Palestine of our own free will — not under compulsion, not because of necessity, but because such a choice is in conformity to an ancient tradition and in fulfillment of an eternal longing. ** Quoted by [https://wiki.projectherzl.com/wiki/Zionist_quotes_on_colonialism Project Herzl] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Wise, Stephen Samuel}} [[Category:1874 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Rabbis from the United States]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] hzh912cwym7pp4xjmzeig2o9hy03ztf 0 268998 3944203 3943557 2026-05-22T15:03:40Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 /* Quotes */ Bible 3944203 wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[w:Kingdom of Judah|Kingdom of Judah]]''' (Hebrew: יְהוּדָה‎ ''Yəhūdā''; Akkadian: 𒅀𒌑𒁲 ''Ya'údi''; Imperial Aramaic: 𐤁‬𐤉‬𐤕‬𐤃𐤅‬𐤃 ''Bēyt Dāwīḏ'', 'House of David') was a [[Hebrew language|Hebrew]]-speaking kingdom of the [[w:Southern Levant|Southern Levant]] during the [[w:Iron Age|Iron Age]]. Centered in the highlands of [[w:Judea|Judea]], the [[w:Landlocked country|landlocked]] kingdom's capital was [[Jerusalem]]. == Quotes == * His eye survay’d the dark Idolatries<br>Of alienated Judah. ** [[John Milton]], ''Paradise Lost'', Book I * The wild gazelle on [[w:Judaean Mountains|Judah’s hills]]<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Exulting yet may bound,<br>And drink from all the living rills<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;That gush on holy ground;<br>Its airy step and glorious eye<br>May glance in tameless transport by:—{{pb}}A step as fleet, an eye more bright,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Hath Judah witnessed there;<br>And o’er her scenes of lost delight<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Inhabitants more fair.<br>The cedars wave on [[Lebanon]],<br>But Judah’s statelier maids are gone!{{pb}}More blest each palm that shades those plains<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Than Israel’s scattered race;<br>For, taking root, it there remains<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;In solitary grace:<br>It cannot quit its place of birth,<br>It will not live in other earth.{{pb}}But we must wander witheringly<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;In other lands to die;<br>And where our fathers’ ashes be,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Our own may never lie:<br>Our temple hath not left a stone,<br>And Mockery sits on Salem’s throne. ** [[Lord Byron]], [[s:Hebrew Melodies (Byron, 1815)/The wild gazelle|"The Wild Gazelle"]], ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815) * Not coldly mute the harp of Judah hung! * Did none perchance of Judah’s faithful line<br>Read the high teaching of each heav’n-sent sign? * Could wrath divine<br>Be dealt on Judah by no hand but thine? ** [[w:John Burgon|John Burgon]], ''Petra'' (1845, 1846) ===Bible=== *“The princes of Judah are like those who remove a landmark; :I will pour out My wrath on them like water. :Ephraim is oppressed and broken in judgment, :Because he willingly walked by human precept. :Therefore I will be to Ephraim like a moth, :And to the house of Judah like rottenness. :“When Ephraim saw his sickness, :And Judah saw his wound, :Then Ephraim went to Assyria :And sent to King Jareb; :Yet he cannot cure you, :Nor heal you of your wound. :For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, :'''And like a young lion to the house of Judah.''' :*[[Book of Hosea]] 5:10-14 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *And she conceived again and bore a daughter. Then God said to him: “Call her name Lo-Ruhamah, :For I will no longer have mercy on the house of Israel, :But I will utterly take them away. :Yet I will have mercy on the house of Judah, :Will save them by the Lord their God, :And will not save them by bow, :Nor by sword or battle, :By horses or horsemen.” :*Book of Hosea 1:6-7 NKJV. *Thus says the Lord: :“For three transgressions of Judah, and for four, :I will not turn away its punishment, :Because they have despised the law of the Lord, :And have not kept His commandments. :Their lies lead them astray, :Lies which their fathers followed. :But I will send a fire upon Judah, :And it shall devour the palaces of Jerusalem.” :*[[Book of Amos]] 2:4-5 NKJV. *Except for [[David]], [[Hezekiah]], and [[Josiah]], :they were all great sinners, :for they abandoned the law of the Most High; :so the kings of Judah came to an end. :*[[Book of Sirach]] 49:4 [[w:New Catholic Bible|NCB]]. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Places in the Bible]] [[Category:History]] [[Category:Former monarchies|Judah]] [[Category:Former countries in Asia|Judah]] t80l6qfppv0ntan2qnl3a059gx07qn5 3944204 3944203 2026-05-22T15:04:11Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 /* External links */ 3944204 wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[w:Kingdom of Judah|Kingdom of Judah]]''' (Hebrew: יְהוּדָה‎ ''Yəhūdā''; Akkadian: 𒅀𒌑𒁲 ''Ya'údi''; Imperial Aramaic: 𐤁‬𐤉‬𐤕‬𐤃𐤅‬𐤃 ''Bēyt Dāwīḏ'', 'House of David') was a [[Hebrew language|Hebrew]]-speaking kingdom of the [[w:Southern Levant|Southern Levant]] during the [[w:Iron Age|Iron Age]]. Centered in the highlands of [[w:Judea|Judea]], the [[w:Landlocked country|landlocked]] kingdom's capital was [[Jerusalem]]. == Quotes == * His eye survay’d the dark Idolatries<br>Of alienated Judah. ** [[John Milton]], ''Paradise Lost'', Book I * The wild gazelle on [[w:Judaean Mountains|Judah’s hills]]<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Exulting yet may bound,<br>And drink from all the living rills<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;That gush on holy ground;<br>Its airy step and glorious eye<br>May glance in tameless transport by:—{{pb}}A step as fleet, an eye more bright,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Hath Judah witnessed there;<br>And o’er her scenes of lost delight<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Inhabitants more fair.<br>The cedars wave on [[Lebanon]],<br>But Judah’s statelier maids are gone!{{pb}}More blest each palm that shades those plains<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Than Israel’s scattered race;<br>For, taking root, it there remains<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;In solitary grace:<br>It cannot quit its place of birth,<br>It will not live in other earth.{{pb}}But we must wander witheringly<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;In other lands to die;<br>And where our fathers’ ashes be,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;Our own may never lie:<br>Our temple hath not left a stone,<br>And Mockery sits on Salem’s throne. ** [[Lord Byron]], [[s:Hebrew Melodies (Byron, 1815)/The wild gazelle|"The Wild Gazelle"]], ''Hebrew Melodies'' (1815) * Not coldly mute the harp of Judah hung! * Did none perchance of Judah’s faithful line<br>Read the high teaching of each heav’n-sent sign? * Could wrath divine<br>Be dealt on Judah by no hand but thine? ** [[w:John Burgon|John Burgon]], ''Petra'' (1845, 1846) ===Bible=== *“The princes of Judah are like those who remove a landmark; :I will pour out My wrath on them like water. :Ephraim is oppressed and broken in judgment, :Because he willingly walked by human precept. :Therefore I will be to Ephraim like a moth, :And to the house of Judah like rottenness. :“When Ephraim saw his sickness, :And Judah saw his wound, :Then Ephraim went to Assyria :And sent to King Jareb; :Yet he cannot cure you, :Nor heal you of your wound. :For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, :'''And like a young lion to the house of Judah.''' :*[[Book of Hosea]] 5:10-14 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *And she conceived again and bore a daughter. Then God said to him: “Call her name Lo-Ruhamah, :For I will no longer have mercy on the house of Israel, :But I will utterly take them away. :Yet I will have mercy on the house of Judah, :Will save them by the Lord their God, :And will not save them by bow, :Nor by sword or battle, :By horses or horsemen.” :*Book of Hosea 1:6-7 NKJV. *Thus says the Lord: :“For three transgressions of Judah, and for four, :I will not turn away its punishment, :Because they have despised the law of the Lord, :And have not kept His commandments. :Their lies lead them astray, :Lies which their fathers followed. :But I will send a fire upon Judah, :And it shall devour the palaces of Jerusalem.” :*[[Book of Amos]] 2:4-5 NKJV. *Except for [[David]], [[Hezekiah]], and [[Josiah]], :they were all great sinners, :for they abandoned the law of the Most High; :so the kings of Judah came to an end. :*[[Book of Sirach]] 49:4 [[w:New Catholic Bible|NCB]]. == See also== * [[Tribe of Judah]] * [[Kingdom of Israel] ==External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Places in the Bible]] [[Category:History]] [[Category:Former monarchies|Judah]] [[Category:Former countries in Asia|Judah]] ft4o3ive7n6xgadjn19uwvg7kwd3sju 0 274053 3944230 3942407 2026-05-22T16:29:09Z ~2026-29139-27 3321829 3944230 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DEFAULTSORT:Garfield Movie, The}} {{Italic title}} '''''{{w|The Garfield Movie}}''''' is a [[w:2024 in film|2024]] American animated [[w:Adventure film|adventure]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[w:Jim Davis (cartoonist)|Jim Davis]]' [[Garfield|comic strip of the same name]] and released by Columbia Pictures. In this film, Garfield has an unexpected reunion with his long-lost father, a scruffy street cat who draws him into a high-stakes heist. It was the last Garfield film distributed by the non-Paramount company, due to the fact that the Garfield franchise was acquired by Paramount Global in 2019. :''Directed by {{w|Mark Dindal}}. Written by Paul A. Kaplan, Mark Torgove and [[w:David Reynolds (screenwriter)|David Reynolds]].'' == Dialogue == :''[The scene starts off on a phone screen, showing an image of Garfield, a frowning orange tabby cat, and his owner, Jon Arbuckle, wearing sweaters with their faces on them.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[first lines; offscreen]'' OK, it's time to eat. ''[types in the password 061978 on the phone, unlocking it]'' Let's see, open the app. ''[opens the Mamma Leoni’s app to make his order]'' I’m gonna get a double pepperoni pizza, uh, an order of breadsticks, and...Well, lasagna. Yeah. Ooh! A new item alert? Jalapeño breadstick quick bites. Huh. It might be nice to add something in the salad family. And do I want dessert? Oooh! ''[chuckles]'' I’m gonna be naughty! Butterscotch budino. OK, I’m gonna have five. ''[The app screen slides to the side to show the orange tabby cat himself.]'' Delivery? Goes without saying...''[hits NOW]'' now, please. :'''Mamma Leoni's App''': Mama mia! :'''Garfield''': Alright. That oughta hold me 'til breakfast. ''[notices the audience]'' Oh, hey! Are you guys early or am I late? No matter. I have got a real treat for you today. ''[Odie, a yellow dog with brown ears, jumps and barks excitedly]'' No, not a treat for you. ''[Odie whines sadly; sighs]'' OK. ''[He gives Odie a biscuit and he eats it before licking him happily, much to his disgust]'' Anyway, about that treat...''[pushes Odie down]'' Can I just say, you will not be disappointed. ''[laughs]'' It’s a story about me...''[the doorbell rings]''...that no one’s ever heard before featuring someone in my life you’ve never met. I don’t know about you, but color me intrigued. ''[A drone enters the house, delivering Garfield’s order.]'' Oh ho yeah! Drone delivery. Welcome to the future. ''[opens the box for his double pepperoni pizza]'' You know, to really understand everything, I’m gonna have to take you back to where it all began. ''[notices a small basil on his pizza]'' Don’t want anything to take away from the flavor of cheese. ''[flicks it off, stretches his mouth open, places the pizza in, and munches down]'' And like every great story, it all started... ''[He moves his mouth in a sucking position near his drink. Odie tips the cup to Garfield’s mouth and the cat sips his drink]'' ...on a dark and stormy night. :''[Odie holds up a cardboard thunderstorm cloud and mimics thunder and lightning. Cut to black. In a flashback, a silhouetted cat looks over at something.]'' :'''Silhouetted cat''': Wait here, Junior. I'll be right back. :''[Garfield, as a kitten, looks up at the silhouetted cat, who walks away, then hides. Garfield, sitting in a crate, reaches out with his little paws as if motioning for the cat to not leave him. Moments later, rain pours. Garfield looks over the side, seeing that the cat isn't coming back. He jumps back in fear as he hears various noises, then covers his face protectively. Suddenly, he sniffs the air, then spots an Italian restaurant called Mamma Leoni’s across the street. Garfield watches as Vito, through the window, holding two steaming pizzas on trays. Jon sits alone on a table. Garfield glances over the path where the cat went, then runs out of the crate. He crosses the street towards the restaurant as three cars pass by, narrowly missing him. Reaching the window, Garfield sniffs the air again. Inside, Jon sits at his table as Vito serves him pepperoni pizza. Grabbing a slice, he sees one family playing Heads Up on their phone.]'' :'''Girl''': Open wide, Jake. :''[A girl feeds her brother, Jake, a meatball. Jon smiles, then frowns and sighs sadly. He sets his head on his hand. He opens his mouth to take a bite of the slice, then gets startled when a thud is heard. Garfield, with his face pressed against the window, stares at the pizza, then pulls it back as Jon stares at him]'' :'''Jon''': Aww! ''[leans in, then holds out a finger]'' Hi there, little buddy! Hi! ''[Garfield paws at his finger, then looks over at the pizza and licks the glass. Jon glances over to see no one coming, then secretly opens the window to let Garfield in. Garfield, despite his small size, hops into his hand. As the duo stare at each other, Garfield licks his cheek as Jon chuckles, then rubs his back on his chin while purring. Jon sets his little friend on the table beside the pizza]'' Are you hungry, little guy? ''[As Garfield nods in agreement, Jon feeds him a pepperoni, then chuckles and offers another]'' Do you want a little more? ''[Suddenly, Garfield quickly eats the entire pizza, then the slice that Jon was about to eat, then finally eats the pepperoni]'' Whoa! You ''are'' a hungry little guy. ''[sees Vito coming, then grabs a menu, hiding Garfield behind it]'' :'''Vito''': That was a quick dinner, ''Signore'' Jon. You must’ve been very hungry. ''[chuckles as Garfield peeks out from under Jon's wrist, but Jon himself pushes him back behind the menu]'' Can I bring you anything else? :'''Jon''': Uh, yes. ''[looks at the menu as Garfield rubs his paw on a picture of a single piece of lasagna]'' :'''Musician''': ''[offscreen]'' ''Grazie''! ''Grazie''! Thank you very much! :'''Jon''': Some...lasagna? :'''Vito''': ''Si''. Lasagna for one. :'''Jon''': Uh, yeah. ''[looks at the menu again as Garfield points to a picture of a 6-piece family-styled lasagna]'' You know what? No. Uh, make it family-style. :'''Vito''': Very good. :'''Jon''': ''[as Vito walks away]'' To go, please, Vito. :'''Musician''': ''[offscreen]'' Okay! Everybody! You all know this one! :'''Jon''': ''[lifts the menu to find Garfield gone]'' Huh? What? Where'd he go? ''[he spots Garfield slurping spaghetti and meatballs as a birthday party commences]'' :'''Patrons''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey! :'''Musician''': ''[offscreen]'' Stand up and sing. Join us. :'''Jon''': Oh, no! ''["Tarantella Napoletana" plays as he moves through the crowd.]'' Oh, no. Excuse me. Pardon me. ''[moves under another table, and tries to grab Garfield, but finds marinara sauce on his fingers. He notices Garfield eating cookies. As he goes to eat a slice of pizza, Jon grabs him, still on the plate, and hides him behind his back as Vito walks by with a big birthday cake. Once Vito is gone, Jon pulls out the plate from behind his back, but once again, Garfield has disappeared. He spots him walking through the birthday cake with a big bite on it. Jon scrambles on all fours to search for him]'' :'''Maria''': ''[offscreen]'' Jon! Take-out for Jon! ''[As Jon looks around, Maria comes in with a to-go box for Jon]'' Your take-out is ready, ''Signore'' Jon. :'''Jon''': Yes. :'''Maria''': One ''familia''-style lasagna to go! ''[opens the box, revealing Garfield eating on the top middle of the family-style lasagna]'' You eat alone too much, Jon. :'''Jon''': Yeah. :'''Maria''': You should get on the dating apps. :'''Jon''': No, I'm good, thanks. :'''Maria''': There's Bumble, Tinder, Gluten-Free Singles... :'''Jon''': Oh, really? :'''Maria''': Hot Sauce Passions. :'''Jon''': No, I could never. :'''Maria''': And you should spend serious money on premium memberships. :'''Jon''': Bye! ''[quickly leaves the restaurant, and the lid pops open, with Garfield still in the box]'' Huh? Oh, hey. ''[chuckles as he sets the box down on the ground, and puts Garfield on the lid]'' Well, that was an interesting dinner… that you had. Well, I guess, um...this is where we say goodbye. ''[Garfield cocks his head]'' Oh, you’re really cute, but I can’t have pets in my apartment. So...I’ll see you around, OK? Go on. ''[As Garfield sniffles sadly, he cries, shedding a lot of tears]'' Oh, no. No, no, no, don’t cry. Don’t cry. ''[The tears make a river that leads to a storm drain. Garfield waves goodbye to him]'' Oh. Oh! No, no, no, no, no! No! Oh, no! Oh, no! ''[scrambles toward Garfield, and grabs him, just as the box enters the storm drain. He then stands up while holding the tiny pint-sized kitten in both hands]'' You don’t have a home, do you? :''[Garfield looks away sadly as if to say, "No.", then he stares at Jon, blinking his big green eyes. Jon smiles, and so does Garfield, who kisses him on the nose. Jon smiles as he nuzzles his little friend. Garfield pulls the screen up, bringing us back to the present while eating some breadsticks.]'' :'''Garfield''': And that's how I adopted Jon. :''[Odie facepalms and brings down the screen to show the title card of the film]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[We then cut to a little house in the suburbs.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' So I moved Jon out of his apartment to this nice, little two-bed, two-bath in the suburbs. ''[We see a time passage of Jon putting down pet stuff while Garfield eats pizza, voiceover]'' As soon as he understood the ground rules, well, let’s just say, we were living the dream. ''[Cut to Garfield riding through the wind, voiceover]'' And once we were settled in, I even let Jon get a pet. ''[Zoom out to see him riding on top of Odie, as a puppy. They run around the house while Jon reads “The Great Catsby.” Then, they ride atop a robotic vacuum with Garfield drinking from a cup and Odie gnawing on a bone. Cut to Young Garfield pulling down the table covers to bring down two glass cookie jars. Garfield ends up inside one while Odie’s head is in another, voiceover]'' Odie, became my most trusted ally. He was kind, gentle, and most importantly, my unpaid intern. ''[Odie bounces on Garfield’s tummy and steals a burger from Jon. Garfield removes the lettuce, and eats the burger before giving the lettuce to Odie, who looks at the viewers as if saying, "Seriously?". Later, as Jon is drawing, Garfield is bungee jumping outside the house. Each time Jon checks, he sees nothing. Then, as Garfield blows raspberries at Jon, we see the bungee rope being Odie’s tongue. Cut to see Odie eating from Garfield’s food bowl. Then, time passes and the two grow up while eating and watching TV with Jon. Voiceover]'' Oh, yeah. As you can see, life here is pretty near perfect. ''[Cut close to him, clears his throat and looks at the audience]'' Well, yeah, except for... :''[The word “MONDAYS” in giant red capital letters suddenly slams down in front of a white background. Jon opens the curtains]'' :'''Jon''': Time to go to the vet! :''[Cut to a vet appointment, Garfield is set on a scale while Jon looks lovingly at Liz. The scale breaks beneath the cat and Liz gets out an intercom.]'' :'''Liz Wilson''': ''[over PA]'' We’re gonna need the big scale! :'''Garfield''': ''[to the viewers]'' Does she need to announce it to the whole office? :''[The montage of Garfield causing bad luck every Monday plays. Garfield hanging on a tree branch before a strong wind blows him off, into the house, and out through a window. Garfield getting scared by a spider, a pie thrown at Garfield’s face, Odie licking him, his ice cream dropping to the ground when he licks it, and his toothpaste squirting too much. Then, Jon puts on his protective gear to give Garfield a bath.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[as he's being bathed]'' No! Please! No! Ow, it’s so hot! Ow, it’s really hurting! Ow, ow, ow! :''[Soon, Jon dries him up and he is all poofy. Odie drops his ball in shock and Garfield angrily glares at him, while growling in anger. The montage ends, where Garfield grumpily shredding the "MONDAYS" paper in a paper shredder]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[to the viewers; grumpily]'' And that’s why we should go from Sunday to Tuesday. ''[pause]'' OK. Where were we? <hr width="50%"> :''[On the next day, Garfield walks up to Jon, who is sleeping in bed] :'''Garfield''': Wakie, wakie, eggs and bakey! ''[lies down on Jon’s face]'' Good morning! :''[In the kitchen, Jon puts some vegetables in a blender. As Odie barks for Jon to pet him each time, Garfield secretly puts in some bacon, a T-bone steak, three pizza slices, two pies, and a piece of cake in the blender. Jon closes the lid, and starts blending. Garfield walks on the ceiling, and opens his mouth. The blender shakes and smoothie bursts out, shocking Jon and Odie. Garfield lands down on the counter, having eaten the smoothie. Cut to Jon reading Romeo and Juliet until Odie pushes in Garfield with a fancy chair.]'' :'''Jon''': What? Where’d you get that chair? :''[Garfield presses a red button on the arm and the chair becomes a recliner with stereo systems. Odie brings in a tray of food and a TV. The TV set shows Catflix, a streaming service that shows cat videos. One shows a cat playing the piano. Jon is in confusion while Garfield eats some popcorn. Suddenly, the channel switches to a romantic comedy film]'' :'''Rom-Com Woman''': ''[on TV]'' I think I was meant to be here tonight because I was meant to meet you. :'''Rom-Com Man''': ''[on TV]'' I think we were meant to be. :'''Rom-Com Woman''': ''[on TV]'' That’s what I meant to say. :'''Rom-Com Man''': ''[on TV]'' You had me at the word “meant.” ''[they both kiss]'' :''[Garfield sees that Odie has the remote. Jon and Odie cry some tears of joy at the scene while Garfield is not amused. Cut to Jon riding a fitness bike]'' :'''Fitness Bike Instructor''': ''[on phone]'' We're going to ride like the wind! Faster! Harder! More exciting! :''[Jon pedals faster and faster until he slumps over, exhausted. Garfield comes in and puts a slice of pepperoni pizza in Jon’s mouth]'' :'''Garfield''': Odie! Yeah, can you put this back to normal? ''[to Jon]'' There you go. Just let the pepperoni’s healing powers work its magic. :''[Odie hangs some shirts on the fitness bike. Then, Jon is asleep by his drawing board. Garfield points at this then rolls Jon over to bed. He positions him right, puts a blanket over him, adds an eye mask and Sony headphones, and gives him Pooky. As Garfield leaves, he sees Odie having watched him rest his owner.]'' :'''Garfield''': You saw nothing. ''[jumps off the bed as Odie sleeps with Jon, he turns off the light]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' Up until that moment, my life was a perfect souffle. Little did I know, it was all about to collapse. :''[Cut to the three sleeping in bed. The sleeping Jon is listening to a sleep app through the headphones]'' :'''Sleep App Voice''': Imagine yourself drifting away on a sea of tranquility. There are no pets to bother you, distract you, or max out your credit card by excessively placing online food orders. :'''Garfield''': ''[As he sleeps, his stomach rumbles and yawned]'' Oh, I swear. ''[his stomach rumbles again, waking him up]'' Huh? What? Who said that? ''[He notice to his tummy]'' Huh? Odie. ''[yawns]'' Odie. Odie! ''[Odie wakes up]'' It’s time for our midnight snack. ''[Odie jumps off from Jon's bed. He moans as Odie helps him up from his bed. Yawns]'' Thank you, good sir. Your kindness will be rewarded. :''[As they head to the kitchen, Barry, a little blue bird, spies on them from the window. Garfield and Odie open the fridge]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[yawns]'' What are we feeling like today, huh? French? Italian? Chinese? Cupcakes? ''[his stomach rumbles]'' Chinese it is. Odie, shape everything from the bottom two shelves into a dumpling. ''[As Odie grabs some food, they hear shuffling nearby]'' :'''Garfield and Odie''': Huh? :''[They turn to see the pet door flapping. Then, they see an open window while rain pours outside. They become nervous until a huge shadow looms over them. They look up to see Roland, a huge dog, looming over them with Nolan, a small skinny dog, on his back. Garfield lifts up Roland's face folds to show the dog's angry eyes]'' :'''Roland''': ''[in British accent]'' Late night snacking? :'''Nolan''': Not good for digestion. :'''Garfield''': ''[uninterested]'' Odie, I'm dreaming again. Slap me across the face. ''[Odie slaps Garfield and Roland roars at the him]'' Nope! Still dreaming. I must be really deep in this one. :''[The two get stuffed in bags by Roland and Nolan!]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[While the dogs, along with the spy bird, head to an abandoned mall]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[in the bag]'' What do you guys...What do you want? Money? I don't have any money, okay? Who-who carries cash anymore? I've-- I-I've got Jon's credit card number memorized. 5552-3857-5521. Did you write that down? Expiration code is 555. :''[Inside the mall, they release the two from the bags]'' :'''Nolan''': The cat is out of the bag! ''[Cackles. He throws the rope up]'' :'''Roland''': We hope this kidnapping plan works or she’ll put us down....with her insults and cutting observations. :''[They tie the two by their ankles and pull up the ropes]'' :'''Garfield''': I think this is a case of mistaken identity! You must be looking for another gorgeous, lovable kitty cat! Right?! ''[Once they’re high above, the two dogs leave]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, where you going? No, no, come back, come back! ''[Odie barking]'' No, no. Odie? :'''Odie''': Hmm? :'''Garfield''': I'll handle this. Alright, you guys, I'm giving you the count of 3 to get back here, and let us down! 1, 2, 3! Four, five… I am not kidding here! ''[Later, Garfield is exhausted while Odie plays the harmonica]'' 308, 309...I can't... yeah, they’re not coming. ''[groans]'' It’s over. :'''Voice''': ''[offscreen]'' Psst! :'''Garfield''': ''[He and Odie turn around to see a shrouded figure standing in the mall]'' Huh? ''[Odie drops his harmonica in awe]'' Am I dead? ''[The shrouded figure moves around]'' Are you an angel? ''[It comes to the mall ceiling by the ropes]'' Please take me. I am ready to go to the...''[sobs]'' to the all-you-can-eat buffet in the sky. :'''Shrouded figure''': What? Listen, I’m going to swing you out, cut your ropes, and drop you safely to that landing below. :'''Garfield''': Wait, what? That seems a tad risky. Is there another plan that doesn’t involve cutting the rope from a 40-foot drop? :'''Shrouded figure''': No time. We gotta get outta here before they come back. ''[He swings Odie first, then cuts his rope. The dog lands perfectly on the landing. Then, the shrouded figure swings Garfield and cuts his rope. The cat falls and lands next to Odie, though not so gracefully.]'' We need to go! Come on, Junior! :''[Garfield gasps in shock as he remembers being left in the alley.]'' :'''Silhouetted cat''': ''[flashback]'' Wait here, Junior. I’ll be right back. ''[echoes]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[narrows his eyes as he pulls the shroud off the figure, revealing Vic, a burly orange tabby cat and Garfield's father, then gasps and points angrily at him]'' <big>'''You...?!'''</big> :'''Vic''': Uh… Hey, Junior. :'''Odie''': Huh? :'''Garfield''': Who is he? This is Vic, my "father". :'''Vic''': Look, Junior, I know how you might be upset... :'''Garfield''': ''[ticked off]'' Upset?! Why would I be upset?! You only abandoned me in an alley as a kitten! I’m probably just overreacting! :''[Suddenly, they hear a claw scratching against metal]'' :'''Vic''': Oh, no. Not her. Quick, follow me, junior! :'''Garfield''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You lost the privilege of telling me what to do a long time ago. :''[Red light glows behind them, revealing a maniacal cat named Jinx with a glowing mood necklace]'' :'''Jinx''': Hello, Vic! :''[The three jump back and scream, startled]'' :'''Vic''': ''[scared]'' Dang! :'''Jinx''': Scare-cam! ''[laughs]'' Oh, you should’ve seen your faces! ''[makes spooky noises then laughs as she runs over to Nolan and Roland holding a phone]'' OK, boys, show me! ''[The phone shows a video of the trio being scared by her sudden appearance, laughs]'' Post that ASAP! ''[laughs]'' :'''Vic''': Hey, Jinx. I haven’t seen you since… Oh, well, no hard feelings though, right? ''[holds his hand out for a handshake]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[pushes Vic's hand away]'' Oh, I don’t think so. ''[glares for a moment, then smiles]'' I’m a hugger! ''[hugs Vic]'' :'''Garfield''': A part of me wants to be mad at her for kidnapping us, but you gotta love her energy. :'''Jinx''': ''[gasps]'' Where are my manners? ''[claps her paws to summon Barry]'' :'''Barry''': Chop, chop, gentlemen. Look alive. :''[Nolan sets up the table and Roland pours them glasses of milk]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[drinks hers]'' Perfection. You know, I was so delighted to think you accepted my invitation here tonight. :'''Garfield''': Well, throwing us in a burlap sack wasn’t exactly an Evite. :'''Jinx''': Vic, you’re so quiet. Are you feline sad? Cat got your tongue? Would you prefer a mew-mosa? :'''Garfield''': Excuse me, how do you two know each other? :'''Vic''': Let me handle this, Junior. :'''Garfield''': Oh, don’t "Junior" me. You may call me Garfield, Mr. Garfield, or G-Money. ''[Odie scoffs]'' Okay, whatever, no G-Money. Anyway, can somebody please tell me what is going on!? :'''Vic''': Uh, we really... :'''Jinx''': ''[interrupts Vic]'' I’ll take this one. :''[Roland is nearby, playing the piano]'' :'''Garfield''': What? :''[Odie shrugs “I don’t know”]'' :'''Jinx''': I’m from a small town outside [[w:London|London]] that you’ve probably never heard of. Oh, I scratched and clawed my way through hard times to come here with one dream. ''[We fade to a flashback of her entering America’s Next Top Feline, walking down the red carpet as people take pictures of her, voiceover]'' I wanted to be seen. I wanted to matter. ''[Cut to her holding a tuba. She stands still in stage fright. Crickets chirp. Voiceover]'' But... ''[wah-wah sound is heard]'' I was a failure. :'''Announcer''': ''[offscreen; spotlight shines elsewhere]'' The winner! :''[Fade to her sitting on a bench. A hand holds out to her, and she sees Vic and his cat crew]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[voiceover]'' And then, I met Vic and his crew. They were outcasts. Losers. Thugs. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. We became a real family. :''[Cut back to present day]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[scoffs]'' Vic and family. I know where this is going. ''[to Roland]'' Excuse me, garcon? Uh, when might we expect appetizers? Perhaps some amuse-bouche? :'''Jinx''': Then, one night...''[Cut to a flashback of the crew stealing quarts of milk from Lactose Farms. Voiceover]'' We were about to make our biggest score. Enough milk to last us for weeks! ''[She drops one bottle and tries to get it, only to be captured and thrown in a pound truck; flashback]'' Vic! '''VIC!!!!''' ''[Vic tries to go after the truck, but it drives off with her. Cut back to present day]'' :'''Vic''': Jinx, I tried to come back for you. You have to know that. :'''Jinx''': Oh, yes. You get an A for effort. :'''Garfield''': So, what happened next? :'''Jinx''': Imagine Alcatraz...''[Cut to her being served slop in the pound. Voiceover]'' But smellier. It was cold and lonely...''[One cat knocks her lunch away. Cut to Jinx sleeping under a smelly cat, voiceover]'' And stinky. So very stinky. I can’t ever state that enough. ''[Cut to her sulking at the fence. Voiceover]'' But it gave me purpose. I needed to get out. I just needed help. :''[A ball rolls over to her. She turns to see Roland and Nolan. Jinx throws the ball to Roland, who grabs it with his mouth. Smiling, she gets an idea. Later, the three of them break out of the pound. Cut back to present day]'' :'''Garfield''': So, your purpose was to escape jail and get involved with charities? :'''Jinx''': Nope. My purpose was...revenge. ''[Vic gulps in fear]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh, I see. I went the other way with it. :'''Jinx''': I’m kidding! Another cat would be bent on revenge, but I’m a...ooh, how do you put it? :'''Barry''': Evolved, compassionate, and incredibly self-actualized. :'''Jinx''': Bingo! ''[giggles]'' I had such trouble finding him and when I discovered you were his son, I had no choice but to kidnap you to lure him here. :'''Garfield''': Listen, I totally get it. It’s all a part of being associated with Vic. So, what do you need from him to make this right? :'''Jinx''': I simply want him to pay back the quart of milk I lost that night, and we’ll call it even. :'''Vic''': I can do that. :'''Garfield''': What he can’t do is raise a child. :'''Jinx''': Just one quart. :'''Garfield''': Just one quart. :'''Vic''': Done! :'''Garfield''': Done! :'''Jinx''': For every day I was in the pound. :'''Vic''': What now? :'''Garfield''': Nice twist. Well played. :'''Vic''': Uh, how long were you in the pound again? :'''Jinx:''' 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. :'''Vic''': Whoa! That long? :'''Garfield''': Alright, I’m gonna do the math here in my brain and, uh...the way you do that is...''[clears his throat]'' Odie? :''[Odie barks to Garfield the grand total]'' :'''Garfield''': 1,675 quarts of milk. Exactly right, Odie. We both came up with it at the exact same time. :'''Vic''': Where am I gonna find that much milk? :'''Jinx''': Well, I suggest you go back to the place you double-crossed me. Lactose Farms. :'''Garfield''': Wow. Well, good luck, Vic. ''[laughs]'' I’ll leave you two to work on the fine print. We’ll just see ourselves out. Odie...''[He tries to leave but is stopped by Roland and Nolan]'' :'''Jinx''': Uh, no, you’re all going to do this. :'''Garfield''': What? Why me? He’s the one who abandoned you! :'''Jinx''': Yes, but this is more than a one-cat job. :'''Garfield''': If I’m sure Vic has a whole crew of lowlife cat burglars, he could ask. :'''Jinx''': Oh, I’m sure he does, but if I’m being completely honest, seeing how miserable you make one another brings me endless satisfaction. :'''Garfield''': Oh, well, thank you for your honesty. And if I don’t go? :'''Jinx''': You can stay and have a playdate with Roland and Nolan. ''[to the hench-dogs]'' Okay, boys, go play! :''[The two dogs proceed to maul two nearby mannequins]'' :'''Barry''': ''[clears his throat, last words]'' Ma’am. I think this is an opportunity to take a deep, cleansing breath and repeat your anger management mantra. :''[Suddenly, Jinx eats Barry and spits out a feather. The three are terrified by this]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[clears her throat]'' Anyone else have any objections? :'''Garfield''': ''[gulps nervously]'' Nope, I’m good. ''[gives two thumbs-up]'' Thanks for the opportunity. :'''Jinx''': Excellent! Now you boys have 72 hours...''[drinks her milk and throws her glass away]'' or else! <hr width="50%"> :''[Garfield, Vic, and Odie walk outside the abandoned mall]'' :'''Garfield''': I can't believe this is happening! I don't see you for years! And when I do, you're pulling me into a life of crime. :'''Vic''': I had this reunion playing differently in my head, too. :'''Garfield''': That's the difference between us, because I never wanted to see you again! :'''Vic''': I totally understand your anger, but give me a chance to explain. You'll see, I'm not the bad guy you think I am. :'''Garfield''': A good guy doesn't leave his kid in an alley! :'''Vic''': It wasn't like that. :'''Garfield''': ''[angry]'' IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE THAT! :'''Vic''': No, it wasn't. Let me tell you. :'''Garfield''': No, no, I don't want to hear it! This whole thing with Jinx, this is your mess, not mine! Come on, Odie. ''[Unfortunately, he is stopped by Roland and Nolan]'' :'''Roland''': Can’t let you do that. :'''Nolan''': We’ll be watching you. :'''Roland''': Like a hawk. :''[They hide behind a stop sign with Nolan giving Garfield a "We’re watching you" gesture]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Is today a Monday?! ‘Cause it feels an awful lot like a Monday. :'''Vic''': It’s Thursday. :'''Garfield''': Not to me, it’s not! :'''Vic''': Look, I know this isn't ideal, but we have to do this. ''[as Garfield growls]'' So, let's just try and make the best of our time together. :'''Garfield''': Our time together?! What are you talking about?! Once we get this milk, I want you out of my life! Forever! :'''Vic''': Alright, just relax. Lactose Farms is nothing but a sleepy little mom-and-pop dairy. This will be a quick grab-and-go. You’ll be back home before you know it. ''[laughs]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[sighs]'' How do we even get to Lactose Farms? It’s way out in the country. :'''Vic''': You ever jumped a train? :'''Garfield''': I’ve never jumped. :'''Vic''': Well, if jumping the train is too hard, just say it. :'''Garfield''': How hard could it be? :'''Vic''': Exactly! ''[laughs as he slaps Garfield to the ground]'' This is gonna be fun! ''[flexes his arms]'' :''[The next morning at the house, Jon walks down the stairs.]'' :'''Jon''': ''[yawns]'' Garfield? Odie? Hello? ''[notices the refrigerator door left open]'' Garfield, how many times have I told you to close the refrigerator door? ''[spots some food still on the floor when Garfield and Odie were kidnapped by Roland and Nolan]'' Wait. There’s food on the floor. ''[gasps]'' He's never left food on the floor. Garfield? ''[checks the halls]'' Garfield? ''[checks the closet]'' Garfield?! ''[checks under the couch]'' Garfield? ''[checks out the pet door]'' Garfield? ''[checks from the chimney]'' Garfield? ''[steps out the door]'' '''''GARFIELD!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Back with Garfield, Vic, and Odie as they slide down a hill and stop by the railroad tracks.]'' :'''Vic''': Our best shot at jumping on a train is here. :'''Garfield''': Hold on a sec. I’m just taking in the wind speed, the direction of the sun, and various angles. Yes, I say we jump the train from right here. :'''Vic''': Didn’t I just say that? :'''Garfield''': I’ve seen enough television a million times. We’ll need a hundred feet of rope... :'''Vic''': Uh-huh. Rope. Yeah, okay. ''[He sets Garfield on a branch and pulls it back]'' :'''Garfield''': We’ll throw the rope over that branch right there. :'''Vic''': Branch. Uh-huh. Got it. :'''Garfield''': Can you follow me? Alright. ''[as the train approaches]'' And then, timing it just right, we swing over as the train passes by and land on top of the car. Boom! :'''Vic''': Or we can do this. ''[He lets go of the branch, launching Garfield through an open train car]'' Odie! Jump, boy! :''[As the two jump on, Garfield is sprung off a tree, launching him into another. The two trees bounce him back and forth while Nolan and Roland watch from a distance.]'' :'''Nolan''': Part of me wants to help him. :'''Roland''': No. This is how he learns. :''[Then, Garfield bounces off the awning of a trailer, gets kicked off by a billy goat, and splats on a car window. He grins maniacally before the unfazed driver wipes him off the window. Cut to a catapult sale going on. A customer speaks to the salesman about a catapult.]'' :'''Used Catapult Customer''': I don’t know. It’s kind of pricey. How much does it handle? ''[Garfield lands on the catapult and it launches him away; impressed]'' Whoa! I’ll take it! :''[Garfield bounces off a parade float of himself, rolls downhill, falls off a cliff, lands and bounces off a power line, and finally lands in a pile of manure inside the train car Vic and Odie are on.]'' :'''Vic''': See? I told you this was gonna be fun! :'''Garfield''': ''[in the manure]'' You and I have different definitions of “fun.” <hr width="50%"> :''[Cut back to Jon’s house, he speaks to someone on the phone.]'' :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Hello? :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' Oh, finally! Hello! :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' You’ve reached Find My Pet. If your pet is lost, we're here to help. :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' Hi! Yes! Great! OK. Uh, my orange tabby and my dog are both missing, and I need your help. :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed. :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' OK. :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' If you'd like to hear this call in Spanish...''[speaking Spanish]'' :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' What? :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' For Pig Latin, ess-pray even-say. :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' Come on. :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' For gibberish...''[speaks gibberish]'' :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' What do I press to talk to a real person?! :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Your call is very important. There are ''[in deep voice]'' 1,046 ''[in normal voice]'' people ahead of you. :'''Jon''': What?! Garfield, where are you?! <hr width="50%"> :''[Back on the train, Vic tries to think up a plan.]'' :'''Vic''': ''[to himself]'' Okay, Vic, you gotta figure this out. ''[sighs]'' Jinx can’t be trusted and you gotta keep Junior safe. Just gotta figure out a way to get him out of this. ''[He finds Odie pulling twigs and spiked nuts off Garfield’s body]'' :'''Garfield''': Tell me. Is it a bird? It really hurts. OW! You pulled my hair! Is it a bug? A bug? OWWW, OWIE, OWIE, OWIE, STOP IT, ODIE! AAHH! Okay. :'''Vic''': ''[He facepalms but then sees Garfield’s collar and tag. He gets an idea]'' You know what, Junior? This is gonna be good for you. :'''Garfield''': ''[pulls a spike nut off his fur]'' What’ll be good for me? :'''Vic''': What we're doing. :'''Garfield''': We’re about to steal a truck full of milk from a dairy to pay back a deranged...''[pulls off another]'' cat. What part of that is going to be good for me? :'''Vic''': All of it! You can’t even imagine the life lessons you’re gonna learn. :'''Garfield''': Oh, yeah? Name one. :'''Vic''': Well, for starters, you already know how to get on a movin' train. ''[Laughs, Garfield is not amused. Clears throat]'' I found it funny. All I'm sayin', is that to break into a dairy, it's gonna take a few skills, I'm guessing a rounded, mush-filled, overly pampered indoor cat like you, ''[Garfield pokes his tummy]'' doesn't have. So, we need to toughen you up. :'''Garfield''': Toughen me up? Hey, I know tough, Vic. You obviously have never been in an [[w:Olive Garden|Olive Garden]] that’s run out of breadsticks. Anyway, I’m never gonna need those skills you’re talking about. :'''Vic''': But you’ll have them. :'''Garfield''': I'm never gonna break into a dairy, or anything else. Ever again. :'''Vic''': You are missing the point! You're going to learn to improvise. Think on your feet, develop moves that'll come in handy in the real world. :'''Garfield''': I wouldn’t be in the real world if it wasn’t for you! :'''Vic''': True. You’d still be hanging upside down in the mall. :'''Garfield''': You know, I would be asleep at home! :'''Vic''': Missing out on life all together! Look, I’m just a dad trying to teach his son skills. :'''Garfield''': Oh, no, no, no, no. You can't make up for five years of not being around. :'''Vic''': Uh, yes, I can. :'''Garfield''': No, you can’t. :'''Vic''': I think I can. :'''Garfield''': In fact, you can’t. :'''Vic''': Yes, I can! :'''Garfield''': You really can’t! :'''Vic''': With your attitude, I can! :'''Garfield''': ''[screams in anger]'' Okay, whatever, “dad!” ''[sarcastic]'' Wow, great lesson! ''[groans in upset]'' I’m done talking to you, you don’t know me, and you don’t know the first thing about me. I am not pampered. I am not anything you think I am. :''[After their talk, Odie has made the train car into a paradise for Garfield. He lays on a hammock]'' :'''Vic''': Okay. Just gonna say that blanket is not the best idea. :'''Garfield''': Ah, fantastic. Thank you. I’ll take it from here. ''[He puts the blanket over himself, only to be covered in spiders. screams]'' Get them off! Get them off! Get them off me! ''[Vic picks up him and lifts a bag of cedar chips over him]'' What are you doing? ''[Then, he opens it, dumping the chips on the spiders. Garfield pops out of the pile, stunned]'' What’d you do? :'''Vic''': Cedar chips. Spiders hate them. See? Another life skill learned. :'''Garfield''': ''[stunned]'' I-I-I... :'''Vic''': I think the words you’re looking for are “Thank you, pops.” :'''Garfield''': No, the word I’m looking for is... :'''Vic''': ''[sees Lactose Farms ahead]'' Oh! Here’s our stop! :'''Garfield''': Really? Where? ''[Vic kicks him out.]'' :'''Vic''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Odie, you think he’d see that coming. ''[He and Odie jump off the train]'' :''[Not knowing Roland and Nolan are following closely behind]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[A balloon transition shows Lactose Farms as part-amusement park and part-factory. A steel gate shuts in front of the camera.]'' :'''Garfield''': Quaint. Just a simple little grab-and-go. :'''Vic''': Okay, okay, so they’ve done a few upgrades since I was last here. Stop being so dramatic. All we have to do is climb the fence. :''[A yellow bird perches on the fence and it electrocutes the bird, sending him flying and landing on the ground. Still alive but hurt. Garfield walks over to a tree and bangs his head against it two times. The shocked bird stumbles around, muttering. Garfield bangs his head once more. Then, he spots a purple [[w:Bull|bull]], Otto, sitting on a rock looking forlorn. He recognizes Otto and gasps.]'' :'''Garfield''': Wait. Is that Otto? :'''Vic''': Who? :'''Garfield''': Otto! Of Otto and Ethel? :'''Vic''': Uh, no clue what you’re talking about. :'''Garfield''': He’s one of the mascots of Lactose Farms. See? On the side of the barn? ''[He points to a painting of Otto and Ethel on the barn]'' I’ll bet he knows how to get into that place. :'''Vic''': Leave him alone. Seems to be in a period of meditation. Or depression. :'''Garfield''': Yes, he does. Mmm. This calls for cat sensitivity and diplomacy. :'''Vic''': Oh, yeah? And where are we supposed to get that? :'''Garfield''': I have it in spades. Watch. Maybe you’ll learn something. ''[He approaches Otto]'' Excuse me. You’re Otto, right? ''[Otto grunts in response. clear throat]'' I’m Garfield. A pleasure. :'''Otto''': Go away. :'''Garfield''': Just wanted to say I am a huge fan. I have eaten everything that has a picture of your face on it. :'''Otto''': I’m not that guy anymore. :'''Garfield''': I even loved that recalled provolone from a few years back. :'''Vic''': Junior, no! :'''Garfield''': Yeah. Anyways, here’s the thing. Me and my crew back there, we’re in a bit of a bind. Got ourselves in a situation. A long story short, we could use your help. :'''Otto''': ''[grunts]'' You’re a fan, huh? :'''Garfield''': Ha ha. Oh yes. Big time. :'''Otto''': Then sing the jingle. :'''Garfield''': Well, I don’t really sing on command. I’m not a circus animal. :'''Otto''': Sing it. :'''Garfield''': Really? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Otto''': Sing it! :'''Garfield''': ''[clears his throat and sings]'' ''♪ Lactose Farms. Lactose Farms. We’ve got milk, butters, creams, and cheeses. ♪'' :'''Otto''': More spirit! :'''Garfield''': ''[sings with more spirit]'' ''♪ As much as you want, as much as it pleases... ♪'' :'''Otto''': Livelier! :'''Garfield''': ''[sings in livelier and dances]'' ''♪ Come and take a look and see what we got! ‘Cause what we got is a whole lotta lot! Ha, ha! Bop chee bop. Bibbidi bop bop chee bop! ♪'' ''[scats while Vic facepalms]'' ''♪ The tasty goodness is our motto brought to you by Ethel and Otto! ♪'' ''[Suddenly, Otto punches him to a tree. In pain]'' What was that for? :'''Otto''': I hate that jingle. :'''Garfield''': ''[in pain]'' You could’ve just told me to stop. ''[He falls to the ground]'' :''[Garfield then notices Otto staring forlornly at a female cow, Ethel, being escorted out. The two look at each other lovingly.]'' :'''Farmhand''': Let’s go. Kids are waiting. :''[Ethel is escorted away and Otto sighs sadly before walking away. Feeling bad, Odie walks over to Otto]'' :'''Garfield''': Odie, come back! Leave him alone! He might punch you! :''[Odie comes to the bull and sits by his side. Otto warmly smiles, allowing the dog to stay by his side]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[refers to the cow in the farm]'' Was that Ethel? :'''Otto''': ''[He grunts, but Odie whines to the steer. He smiles at the dog before telling his story]'' A few years back, Old Man Lactose was forced out of business. The corporation that took over separated me from my Ethel. ''[Cut to a flashback of Otto being put in a wooden box while farmhands are lassoing Ethel; flashback]'' Ethel! :'''Ethel''': ''[flashback]'' You are my day! :'''Otto''': ''[flashback]'' You are my night! ''[Soon, the bull was sent out to pasture, separated from the love of his life; voiceover]'' I was put out to pasture. ''[Ethel is seen being harassed by children in the amusement park, voiceover]'' She was put on display as part of the tour. ''[Cut back to present day]'' I tried to get in there to break Ethel free, but they stopped me every time. Now I only see her six seconds twice a day. :'''Vic''': We...we feel you, Otto. Come on, let’s go, Junior. We’ll find another way to break in there. :'''Otto''': Wha-wha-what could you possibly want from that place? :'''Vic''': Oh, I don’t know. A couple quarts of milk? :'''Garfield''': A couple thousand quarts. ''[Vic nudges him]'' :'''Otto''': Good luck. :'''Vic''': We'll take any help when you have. :'''Otto''': Pass. :'''Vic''': I’m telling you, it’s a life-or-death situation. :'''Otto''': And I hope you’ve notified your next of kin. :'''Vic''': What if we can get Ethel out? :'''Garfield''': Or get you a commemorative pin? ''[Otto quickly returns]'' Where are we gonna find a commemorative pin? <hr width="50%"> :''[Later, Otto draws up a plan on the ground]'' :'''Otto''': Now pay attention. Here’s the perimeter of the plant and here are the two places you need to go. First, the truck with your milk is back here. And this delicate buttercup is my Ethel. My north star and reason for living is being kept by those barbarians in...the Donald’s hiccups Located here. This cricket represents the electrical room. This snail, the refrigeration room. This toadstool is the loading dock, where you’ll find the keys to the trucks. ''[He sets a pinecone in the middle of the square]'' :'''Garfield''': Hey, what’s the pinecone? :'''Otto''': The pinecone is the cheese and butter room. :'''Garfield''': Ooh, ''[As he rubbing his tummy]'' cheese is my love language. :'''Otto''': Now, for this briefing, I’ve done a quick reading of your personalities and have chosen tokens to represent each of you. ''[points to Vic]'' You are the majestic bullfrog. ''[A bullfrog appears, croaking]'' :'''Vic''': Oh, yeah. That feels right. :'''Otto''': ''[points to Odie]'' You are the curious and clever chipmunk. ''[A chipmunk appears. Points to Garfield]'' And you... :'''Garfield''': Wait for it. :'''Otto''': ''[He sets down a roadkill opossum]'' ...are roadkill. :'''Garfield''': Huh? What? Oh. ''[laughs]'' No, I get it. That’s a good one, Otto. Giving your new best friend roadkill. ''[pokes at the possum with a stick]'' Seriously though. What’s my real token? :'''Otto''': That is your real token. Now, if you have any chance of... :'''Garfield''': Excuse me. Can I switch to something living like a snail or a cricket? :'''Otto''': You should’ve spoken up sooner. At this point, it would be too confusing to switch. :'''Garfield''': Sooner? But you just told me this five seconds ago. :'''Vic''': Come on, Roadkill. Focus. :'''Garfield''': Oh, really? You give Vic the majestic bullfrog, you give Odie the curious and clever chipmunk, and then you give me, your new BFF, roadkill? I mean, it feels disrespectful, not gonna lie. :'''Otto''': What makes you think he’s dead? :'''Garfield''': My eyes. I have eyes and can see. :'''Otto''': It’s a possum. They’re masters at playing dead. :'''Garfield''': Well, then little Daniel Day Possum here should do Shakespeare in the Park. :'''Otto''': Things aren’t always what they seem. :'''Garfield''': You’re right. But in this case, they are. :'''Otto''': What’s the big deal? Possums play dead. :'''Garfield''': Oh, do they, Otto? Do they play dead? Do possums play possum? Is that what they do? :'''Otto''': Yes. Possums are very clever. :'''Garfield''': Well, I’m sure he was until the day he ate a pick-up truck. :'''Vic''': Uh, just ignore him. Please continue. I’ll just put this back where you had it. :'''Otto''': The straightest line to the loading dock is through the snail here. Then the cricket there. Cut through the toadstool and armed to the rock. Each of these rooms have their own set of unique challenges. :'''Garfield''': Well, why can’t we go straight through the pinecone? :'''Otto''': You don’t want to go through the pinecone. :'''Garfield''': Looks like the straightest shot is through the pinecone. :'''Otto''': You like walking with those feet, do you? You a fan of unimaginable pain and misery? Then go through the pinecone. :'''Vic''': Stay away from the pinecone. ''[clicks tongue]'' Got it. :'''Otto''': Once you’re inside the facility...''[Cut to a 2D-animated rundown of the plan as the Mission: Impossible theme plays. Voiceover]'' You will enter the electrical room. There you will locate the air vent. Pop the grate and climb up. Then you'll crawl through a maze of vents and drop down to the refrigeration room. Next, you will need to hurl your body over a 30-foot drop to a series of hand rungs. You'll propel yourselves hand over hand and drop down directly into a loading dock. From there, you'll locate the keys to the milk truck. Drive that truck to the west pasture of the complex, cut the lock on the gate, and find the closest thing we have to an angel here on earth. You'll escort my sweet Ethel onto the truck and drive her to freedom. ''[Cut back to reality]'' It’s going to take mad skills to get that milk and free my dear sweet Ethel. ''[refers to Odie]'' Clearly, this one’s qualified for the mission. ''[refers to Garfield]'' But I have some serious doubts here about all of...this. :'''Vic''': He’s pointing to you, Roadkill. :'''Otto''': Let’s get to work. :''[The others leave and Garfield pokes the opossum with the stick]'' :'''Garfield''': Stupid roadkill. :''[Suddenly, the possum springs to life and grabs the stick.]'' :'''Roadkill''': Hey! ''[whacks Garfield with the stick]'' I’m workin’ here! ''[resumes playing dead]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[groans]'' Definitely a Monday. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meanwhile, Jon is still on the phone]'' :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Your call is very important to us. If you’ve lost a cat, please press 1. ''[Jon presses 1]'' If your cat is orange, please press 2. ''[Jon presses 2]'' This doesn’t really accomplish anything but gives you the false sense that we’re engaged with you. :''[Jon sobs, and hugs a portrait of himself, Garfield, and Odie.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The next morning, Garfield, Vic, and Odie are ready for training]'' :'''Otto''': Alright, gentlemen, I’ve made a list of skills that you’ll need to master in order to break into Lactose Farms. Number one, develop lightning-fast reflexes. :'''Vic''': You tell Garfield there's a plate of pasta on the other side of the wall, and you will see lightning reflexes. :'''Garfield''': Yeah, no, no, no. Depends what kind of possum. :'''Otto''': ''[holds out a pebble]'' This pebble represents danger you may encounter. You need to grab it before it grabs you. :'''Garfield''': ''[scoffs]'' It grabs me. :'''Otto''': Snatch the pebble from my hand. ''[Garfield tries to grab the pebble, but he moves it away]'' Too slow! ''[He whacks Garfield with his horn]'' :'''Garfield''': Ow! What was that for?! :'''Otto''': Being able to grab the pebble could be the difference between life and death. :'''Garfield''': Alright, let me try that again. ''[grabs the pebble]'' Ha! Got it! ''[Otto whacks him again]'' What was that for?! :'''Otto''': It’s never just about the pebble. :'''Vic''': Come on, Junior. Everyone knows that. :'''Otto''': Your head’s got to be on a swivel at all times. :'''Vic''': You gotta be ready for anything. :'''Garfield''': I was ready! He changed the game! :'''Vic''': Sounds like someone’s making excuses. ''[Otto rolls a boulder, and it collides with him, flattening him like a pancake.]'' :'''Garfield''': And what was that about being ready for anything? :'''Vic''': ''[pops back to normal]'' You were distracting me! :'''Garfield''': Might I suggest putting your head on a swivel? :'''Otto''': You should've seen that coming! ''[as he hits Garfield and Vic]'' Toes on the line! Watch your grip! Cover your side! There are surprises around every corner at Lactose Farms. You need to stay alert. ''[squishes Garfield and Vic from above]'' Too slow! A baby could've seen that coming. Too slow! Too slow! Too slow! :''[As this goes on, Odie gets out a chair and sits down while drinking soda]'' :'''Otto''': You'll never make it through Lactose Farms if you can't survive this training. ''[He throws tree stumps as Garfield and Vic try to dodge them]'' :'''Vic''': Are you for real?! :'''Garfield''': What kind of dairy is this?! :'''Otto''': The kind of dairy that requires teamwork to survive. Danger could be anywhere gentlemen. You gotta be ready to outrun it! ''[He lifts up a big tree and charges toward them. Garfield and Vic run away]'' Here comes the pain! :'''Vic''': Left, right, left, right. :'''Garfield''': You’re confusing me! :''[They trip and tumble downhill, sliding on some mud, through the prickly field, jumping into a curvy looped log before coming right out of it, then getting their heads slammed on a beehive, breaking it before seeing their faces covered in bees. Garfield and Vic scream when sliding down. When they slide by some sleeping rabbits, a mother shushes them as the cats cover their mouths from each other. Once they’re past the rabbits, they screamed again before crashing into a tree]'' :'''Vic''': I think I'm gonna need a wring-out. :''[The tree falls and crushes them. Otto and Odie approach them]'' :'''Otto''': ''[to Odie; sighs]'' If this is going to work, these two have to be on the same page. I’m out of ideas. You got any? :''[Odie gives him a thumbs-up]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Odie leads the injured Garfield and Vic to rest by a tree]'' :'''Garfield''': Can’t believe I’m out in the middle of nowhere getting beaten up against my will by a former celebrity steer. :'''Vic''': Odie, can you tell my son to please stop whining? :'''Garfield''': Odie, can you tell Vic that I collapsed on this tree first and that he needs to find another one? :'''Vic''': Odie, can you tell my son that I’ll gladly find another one when I get the feeling back in my leg? :'''Garfield''': Odie, can you tell my father that he wouldn’t be lying in pain if he led a better life and didn’t create problems for himself? :'''Vic''': Could you please inform my son that he should focus on fixing his own issues? :'''Garfield''': Odie...''[He notices Odie has tied both him and Vic to the tree with vines while they were arguing.]'' Odie, what’d you do? ''[Odie harrumphs and walks away]'' After all I’ve let you do for me. :'''Vic''': What is this? ''[He tugs on a vine, springing Garfield's foot up. Garfield moves his foot on the vine, making Vic's hand smack himself.]'' Hey, watch it! :'''Garfield''': ''[He snickers. Vic pulls on the vine to make Garfield smack his hand on his own face]'' What’s the problem, Vic? Is this bothering you? ''[He proceeds to tug the vines to make Vic hit himself.]'' :'''Vic''': ''[strained]'' No. In fact, I don't mind it at all! ''[He moves the vines in a boxing motion, making Garfield punch himself.]'' :'''Garfield''': I don't mind it either! :''[Vic and Garfield pull at the vines to hurt each other. Odie and Otto are seen sitting on a branch, with the former eating popcorn]'' :'''Otto''': I could watch this all day. :''[Back on Garfield and Vic, they try to get out of the vines]'' :'''Garfield''': Stop pulling! :'''Vic''': I’m not! You’re pulling! :'''Garfield''': If I was pulling, you knew it! ''[grunting]'' Why does everything you do always end up hurting me?! :'''Vic''': Hurt you?! All I ever did was try to help you! :'''Garfield''': Oh, you sure? Cause every time you're around, it ends up with me in pain. ''[as he get hit by a branch]'' Ow! Odie, these ropes are not funny anymore...''[as he get hit by a branch again]''...OW! :''[Odie and Otto fist-bump]'' :'''Vic''': Maybe, if you were a little more open to seeing me, things might be better between us. :'''Garfield''': Oh, you do remember you were the one who left me in an alley, right? :'''Vic''': You don't know what you're talking about! :'''Garfield''': ''[clears throat]'' Then please enlighten me. :''[Vic sighs in sadness. On Otto and Odie...]'' :'''Otto''': This is about to get real. :''[Back on Garfield and Vic...]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh, that's right. You're normally never around to actually defend yourself. No back door to slink out of this time. First, you abandoned me! Years later, you pulled me into a life of crime. Well, classic "Father of the Year" stuff, Dad. You know why would I ever think that seeing you could be anything other than a train wreck?! :'''Vic''': ''[angrily]'' I DID NOT LEAVE YOU IN THAT ALLEY! :'''Garfield''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, you did, you told me you'd come right back. You never did! :'''Vic''': ''[solemnly]'' No! That is not what happened. :'''Garfield''': Oh, please! You're probably on the run from someone like Jinx and I was in the way. :'''Vic''': No...No, that...that night...''[sighs]'' That night was different... :''[In a flashback, Vic sits by a bookstore called "Jim's Comic Books" while cradling Garfield, as a kitten, as people walk past them. Garfield's stomach grumbles. Vic spots a fish market across the street. They approach it, and stare at the fish.]'' :'''Fish Market Worker''': Hey! Shoo, shoo! Get out of here! :''[The worker chases them out. Vic runs off, then sees a hot dog stand. A dog growls at them. Vic quickly retreats down an alley, then stops by a dumpster with the wooden crate from the beginning of the film. Vic spots a food worker coming out of a restaurant to dump out garbage before re-entering. Vic looks over his shoulder, then places Garfield in the crate while petting his head.]'' :'''Vic''': Wait here, Junior. I’ll be right back. ''[approaches the garbage can, only to be scared off by the worker]'' :'''Food Worker''': Hey, get out of here! ''[Vic waits by as the food worker talks on his phone; on phone]'' Hey, how are you doing? Yeah, yeah. Ah, I had to shoo a cat. Yeah, yeah. Digging in the trash. Yeah. So what you up to now, huh? Still taking it easy? Uh-huh. Yeah. ''[Time passes. It’s raining, but the worker is still on the phone; on phone]'' Oh, no, you're kidding. Really? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, yeah, yeah. It's been raining here for a while now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'll see you then. OK, bye. :''[The worker goes back in the building. Vic comes over to find a sardine in the trash can. He grabs the lid as a dish, and runs back to the crate where Garfield was, only to find out that he'd disappeared. He looks around until he finds Garfield in Mamma Leoni's with Jon. Vic narrows his eyes as he walks over to the window. Through the window, Jon holds out a finger which Garfield waves his paws at. Vic watches Jon feed Garfield a slice of pizza. He looks over at the sardine on the lid, then looks sadly over at his son, who nuzzles with Jon. Dropping the lid, Vic smiles warmly, then looks alarmed as Jon chases Garfield around the restaurant. He then runs off to hide. Jon exits with the take-out box. The lid pops open, revealing Garfield, who looks up and down the street, seeing that there's no sign of Vic. As he stares sadly, he then smiles at Jon, who smiles back at him. Vic comes out from behind a mailbox to watch Garfield kissing Jon on his nose, then nuzzles him. Vic watches sadly as Jon leaves with Garfield. He ducks down behind the mailbox with a sad expression. In the present, Garfield stares wide-eyed about what happened.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[shocked]'' I… I never knew. :'''Vic''': I know, how could you? :'''Garfield''': Why didn't you ever come visit me? :'''Vic''': I did. A million times I… came to knock on your door, and I'd see what a great life you've had with Jon, so I just...thought it would be better if I kept my distance. :'''Otto''': ''[appears before Garfield and Vic]'' I sense a positive breakthrough in your relationship, am I wrong? ''[Vic shakes his head]'' Good. After an extensive evaluation, I have concluded that you two are, in fact, ready to move forward with this mission. :'''Vic''': We are? :'''Garfield''': How is that even possible? :''[Odie cuts down the vines with a pair of scissors.]'' :'''Otto:''' Mathematically, it isn’t. But given your present levels of incompetence and overall lack of basic skills... :'''Garfield''': Huh? :'''Otto''': I have determined it would take roughly...17 years to get you both properly ready for this job. And since we have..less than 48 hours, you passed. Congratulations. :''[Odie shakes their hands and hugs Garfield. Up in the tree, Roland and Nolan are spying on them while disguised as birds]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Back in the mall, Jinx sings in French while scribbling something with a red marker. Then, she cuts paper with scissors and some tape with her claw. Soon, she hangs up three images of Vic on a board full of pictures. It is clear that she resents Vic for the failed heist. Jinx laughs evilly while scratching one picture before noticing her hench-dogs have returned.] :'''Roland''': She’s really losing it. :'''Jinx''': ''[shakes off the tape]'' Yes, what is it? :'''Roland''': They’re ready to rob the dairy. :'''Jinx''': Purrrfect! Oh, everything is coming to plan. Now it’s time to make the call. ''[Roland gets out a cellphone from his folds]'' Excuse me, you keep that thing in your folds? That is so disgusting. ''[to Nolan]'' You, you dial the number and put me on speaker. ''[Nolan dials the number and puts on the speaker]'' :'''Female Phone Operator''': ''[on phone]'' Hello? :'''Jinx''': ''[on phone]'' Hello? Lactose Farms? :'''Female Phone Operator''': ''[on phone]'' How may I help you? :'''Jinx''': ''[on phone]'' It’s come to my attention that there will be an attempt to rob one of your dairy trucks tomorrow. It’s not important who I am or how I came to know this. Just think of me as a concerned citizen intent on fulfilling my civic responsibility as well as... :''[On the other side, the phone operators only hear meowing on the speaker. One of the operators goes to the office of his superior]'' :'''Male Phone Operator''': Uh, chief? We may have a situation. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[grabs her nightstick]'' Well, okay then. Let’s go have a look-see. :''[They check the speaker with Jinx still talking...or meowing]'' :'''Female Phone Operator''': This is the third time they called. :'''Male Phone Operator''': It just sounds like a cat crank-calling us. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[shoves her nightstick at his nose]'' If it were a dog barking, I’d be on board for a prank. Some dogs are born for mischief. They just are. Not cats. Oh, no. Cats mean business. ''[She gets out her phone, uses the Critter Talk, and selects a cat to translate the meowing.]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[on phone]'' I repeat, there will be an attempt to rob one of your dairy trucks tomorrow. I suggest you take appropriate measures to prevent this brazen thievery from occurring. Okay, I’m done. Hang up the phone. Ha, ha. What an evil genius I am. ''[hangs up]'' :'''Marge Malone''': Well then, still seem like a prank to ya? :'''Male Phone Operator''': Eh, that last part did a little. :'''Female Phone Operator''': What’s our next move, chief? :'''Marge Malone''': Our next move is for me to go back to my office and formulate an ingenious plan. And you go get my car waxed. ''[She enters her office and approaches the mirror; to herself]'' Well, well, well. Would you look at that, Margie Malone? We’re having company tomorrow. I guess I better take out my finest China to serve a heaping plate...''[puts on her hat]'' of justice! <hr width="50%"> :''[In the morning, back with the animals, Otto sets down acorn earpieces.]'' :'''Garfield''': What are those for? :'''Otto''': For us to communicate. Once you’re inside...the belly of the beast. :''[Odie growls in determination]'' :'''Garfield''': Uh, okay. Don’t we need something more like radio headsets? :'''Otto''': ''[sighs]'' Indoor cat. These are better. :'''Garfield''': I just feel like [[w:Bluetooth|Bluetooth]] would be better. :'''Otto''': These are better than Bluetooth. :'''Garfield''': These are better than Bluetooth? :'''Otto''': They’re equal, and I don’t have to pay for the brand. ''[He and Odie put acorn pieces in their ears. On com]'' Gold Eagle to Chipmunk, do you copy? :''[Odie barks back]'' :'''Garfield''': Of course you can hear him. He’s standing three feet away from you. ''[Otto snorts and gets out binoculars]'' Oh, I see you sprung for the binoculars. :'''Otto''': Now, we just need to find… a way in. :'''Garfield''': Anyone ever told you that you take a lot of dramatic pauses when you speak? :'''Otto''': ''[a beat]'' Yes. ''[He spots some kids exiting a school bus with one having an animal backpack]'' Bingo. <hr width="50%"> :''[Inside Lactose Farms, a tour is going on.]'' :'''Tour Guide Tracy''': Hello, everyone, and welcome to the one, the only Lactose Farms! If you will all gather around me, we’ll begin our tour and head into the heart of the farm. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She carefully watches surveillance footage for any robbers]'' I know you’re here. I can feel it. Show yourself. :''[Back in the tour...]'' :'''Tour Guide Tracy''': Today, you will discover the answers to all of your dairy questions. Including the most-asked dairy question of all time, “Are curds the way?” :''[We see Garfield, Odie, and Vic going incognito as backpacks]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Bullfrog, Chipmunk, Roadkill, do you copy? :'''Garfield''': Are you kidding me? They actually work? You should take this to Shark Tank. :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Now remember, the only way to get the keys to the milk truck and free Ethel undetected is by sneaking to the path I’ve mapped out for you. If you deviate from that path, you will trigger security and all bets are off. Understood? Alright, look alive. The electrical answers door should be coming up on your left. :'''Tour Guide Tracy''': ''[offscreen]'' Okay, this way. :'''Vic''': ''[He spots the door to the electrical room]'' Hey, look! There it is! :''[The three animals sneak off to the electrical room without being spotted.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Okay, we’re in. :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Continue through and locate the air vent at the end of the hallway. That will take you to the refrigeration room. :''[They spot the air vent at the end of the hallway]'' :'''PA Announcer''': ''[via intercom]'' Factory workers, your 15-minute break begins now. :'''Garfield, Vic, and Odie''': Ah! :''[They run off as employees come out the door. They walk past a janitor, not knowing it’s actually Vic, Garfield, and Odie.]'' :'''Garfield''': Blech! Ugh, your feet need a deep rinse! :''[They remove the disguise and open the air vent. Odie and Vic get in, but Garfield gets stuck in between]'' :'''Vic''': What’s the hold up, Junior? :'''Garfield''': How did you get through this? You’re bigger than me! :'''Vic''': ''[his stomach gurgles]'' Am I? :'''Garfield''': Yes! :'''Vic''': Well, the vent don’t agree. Try sucking in your gut! ''[He and Odie start pulling at Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': I am! :'''Vic''': Try sucking in your butt and your gut! :''[They pull Garfield off and they end up sliding down three separate paths. Soon, Garfield falls on the vent and plops down in the middle of a big platform. Vic and Odie arrive nearby.]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Bullfrog, what’s happening now? :'''Vic''': We fell out of a vent, into a room that looks like it was full of heavy machinery. :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Son of a cud. You’re in the pinecone. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She spots Garfield in the security footage]'' Jiminy Davis! The perp is a cat, and this one looks like it could eat us out of business! :''[Cut back to the animals, Garfield spots the loading dock in the distance]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh, Vic, Vic! Look! There’s the loading dock! :'''Vic''': Junior! Don’t move! :'''Garfield''': What, why? :'''Vic''': We’re in the middle of the pinecone! Otto told us to stay out of the pinecone! :'''Garfield''': Oh, stop. There’s no pinecone. Otto’s a bit of a worrywart. I can walk to the loading dock from here. ''[He tries to walk, but the floor opens beneath his feet, and he falls in]'' AAH! :'''Vic''': Junior! :'''Garfield''': ''[Then, he rises out on top of a big slice of cheddar cheese, eating part of it]'' Mmm. Oh, cheddar. Probably one of my top 26 favorite cheeses. ''[Vic stares at Odie, who shrugs. He notices a timer ticking down]'' What do you think happens when that gets to zero? :''[It hits zero and the cheddar cheese is moved out with Garfield on it!]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Bullfrog, what’s happening now?! :'''Vic''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill got carried away to the pinecone! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Listen to me. You have to carry on with the mission. Get to the loading dock before the workers return from their break or you’ll miss your only chance to get that truck. :'''Garfield''': ''[As he rides down the cheddar cheese...]'' No, no, no, ah! ''[It gets onto a grater slide]'' :'''Computer''': Shred sequence initiated. :''[The cheddar cheese slides down, shredding bit by bit by the grater slide. Odie barking]'' :'''Garfield''': Odie! Thanks, buddy, but I’m already full from the cheddar. ''[Odie barks to Garfield to jump off the cheddar he’s on]'' Oh, jump off? Good idea! ''[He jumps off and grabs onto another piece of cheese hanging next to Odie.] :'''Vic''': Oh, good. He’s safe. :''[However, Garfield’s cheese piece is moving away from Odie's.]'' :'''Garfield''': Uh, hang on. Wait, where am I going? ''[He spots a sign saying, "FONDUE AREA".]'' Fondue? ''[He sees approaching some giant pots of boiling melted cheese]'' Oh, no! ''[He tries to get away by jumping from cheese block to cheese block]'' :''[Odie barks in fear before spotting some cheese sticks being made. He grabs one and peels it to make rope. Garfield falls and is about to enter the hot fondue, but Odie lassos his friend away. However, Garfield ends up on a big block of butter. Knives drop down to cut it and Garfield dodges the blades. Odie rushes over to grab Garfield, but they're about to be cut by the blades]'' :'''Vic''': Junior! ''[As the two dodge the knives, Vic jumps to the rescue. He walks across some steamy fondue, bounces off a hot pot, and walks on more fondue. Just as the knives prepare to chop up Garfield and Odie...]'' Junior! ''[...he jumps in and saves them as the blades come down. As they pant, Vic holds up his severed tail]'' That was too close even for me. :'''Garfield''': ''[pants]'' Thanks. :'''Vic''': I couldn’t let you have all the fun. :'''PA Announcer''': ''[via intercom]'' Workers, your break ends in 5 minutes. <hr width="50%"> :''[They all rush out to the loading dock]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Okay, Otto, we’re in the loading dock. Where are the keys? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' They should be hanging on a pegboard on the far wall. :''[Odie barks to Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': What do you mean we have a problem? :''[Odie points to the pegboard, empty of keys]'' :'''Garfield''': The pegboard is empty! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Empty? :'''Marge Malone''': Now would you look at this? Three misguided stray pets trying to steal a truck of milk. Never a dull moment at this dairy, is there, Margie? You were looking for these, aren’t ya? Oh, here you go then. ''[She throws them the keys and Garfield tries to get them, but they reel back to her.]'' So, how’s this gonna play out, fellas? The easy way or the hard way? And just so you know, I’m up for either. :'''Garfield''': ''[He spots a chair and nearby gets an idea]'' Follow my lead. :'''Vic''': Huh? What? :''[Garfield rushes to the chair and charges it toward Marge. Unfortunately, the guard binds Garfield's ankle with some restraints. Vic groans in dismay while Odie shakes his head.]'' :'''Marge Malone''': ''[cracks her neck]'' Who’s next then? ''[She chases after Vic and Odie]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Otto, that security guard has the truck keys! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Crazy eyes? Tragic sense of fashion? :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Yeah. How did you know? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Marge Malone. ''[Cut to a flashback showing Marge towing him away from Ethel. Flashback]'' Ethel! :'''Ethel''': ''[flashback]'' Otto! :''[Cut back to present day]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' She’s not just my nemesis. She’s also my… ''enemy''. :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Love to hear about it, but right now, what do we do? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Get those keys. I’ll create a distraction so you can get out of there. ''[As he runs off]'' :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She tries to get Vic and Odie]'' Come here, you! :''[Garfield hops over to a janitor's bucket and uses the mop to row across the floor. Marge is about to capture the two when the mop hits her head, obscuring her vision. Garfield grabs the keys from her]'' :'''Garfield''': You see that? That’s indoor cat style! :''[As the three rush to the truck, Marge gets the mop off her head and blocks their path before electrocuting Garfield with an electric rod.] :'''Garfield''': AAHH! :''[As Garfield lands in Vic and Odie's arms, the keys fly back to Marge via electric rod.]'' :'''Marge Malone''': No, no, no, no, you’re not getting away. I’ve already called the pound. Your days of thievery end today. :''[Suddenly, the alarm blares.]'' :'''PA Announcer''': ''[via intercom]'' Attempted Perimeter breach! :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She looks at the security footage to find Otto trying to open the gates.]'' Otto... :'''Vic''': ''[He looks at the button and the milk truck before getting a plan with a regretful look]'' Junior, sorry about this. :'''Garfield''': Sorry? For what? ''[Vic pushes him and Odie onto Marge, making her lose the keys. As Vic grabs the keys, Garfield is shocked]'' Vic?! ''[Vic presses the button to close the gate in front of the two and Marge. He then gets to the milk truck and turns back to look at his son with regret]'' What are you doing?! ''[Vic gets inside the milk truck]'' Vic! Don’t you go! Vic! Please! ''[Vic drives off, leaving him and Odie with Marge.]'' :'''Marge Malone''': ''[on com]'' Send security to the loading dock. :''[Vic bursts through the gates of Lactose Farms. Otto sees Ethel standing a few feet across!]'' :'''Ethel''': Otto! :''[Otto tries to run over to Ethel, but Marge drives in to stop him]'' :'''Marge Malone''': You do not want to try me today, mister! :''[Workers arrive to surround Otto with electric rods while Ethel is corralled. Otto angrily roars and charges, hitting Marge's car. Marge then zaps him with the rod]'' :'''Otto''': AAH! :'''Marge Malone''': Get him! :''[Otto is forced to retreat while Garfield and Odie are put in the back of the pound truck.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[As Vic drives the milk truck, he spots Roland and Nolan on the road. He screams as stomps on the brake, stopping the truck while it boops Roland on the nose.]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[offscreen]'' Welcome back...''[she appears]''...Victor! :'''Vic''': Hey, Jinx. Why you here? I was-I was bringing this to you. :'''Jinx''': Were you? Really? :'''Vic''': Of course it was. That’s what we agreed to, right? :'''Jinx''': Mmm. :'''Vic''': ''[sighs]'' So, you and me square now? :'''Jinx''': ''[chuckles]'' Not quite. There’s still the matter of those five years I lost because of you? :'''Vic''': What? But I thought this settled that. :'''Jinx''': ''[laughs evilly]'' It was never about the milk. It was about you getting caught trying to steal it and being sent to the pound. Like I was. You see, Vic, I needed you to suffer. Like I did. :'''Vic''': Oh. I see. And I’m guessing you have an idea about how that should happen. :'''Jinx''': As a matter of fact, I do. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the pound truck, Garfield and Odie sulk about their failed mission after Vic betrays them.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[heartbroken]'' I can't believe he did that. He ran out and left me...again. I thought he changed, but it was...it was a lie. All of it...''[sighs]'' How could I have been so stupid? ''[Fade to he's inside a cage in the pound]'' :'''Maurice''': Oh, come on, kid. Don’t beat yourself up. Vic, man. We’ve all been burned by Vic. :''[The other caged cats grumble and agree]'' :'''Olivia''': Oh, yeah, the one thing about Vic you can count on is that you can’t count on him. :'''Garfield''': Tell me about it. :'''Maurice''': Yeah, I tell you about it. Long story short, we all used to run in a pack until we had to kick him off the crew. :''[The cats chatter in agreement]'' :'''Olivia''': Like I said, couldn’t count on him. :'''Garfield''': Sounds about right. :'''Snickers''': He’d leave in the middle of the job just to go see his kid. :'''Maurice''': Yeah. He said he wanted to check up on him. Make sure he was doing okay. :'''Olivia''': But get this, he never actually visits. He’d just sit across the street from his kid’s house in a giant oak tree. :'''Garfield''': That never happened. :'''Olivia''': He watched that kid eat and eat... :'''Cats''': ...And eat and eat and eat... :'''Snickers''': He put a notch in the bark. Every time he was there. :'''Garfield''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, yeah. Sure he did. :'''Olivia''': And he’d go every Sunday night rain or shine. Said that it was his kid's... :'''Cats''': Family dinner night. :'''Garfield''': Okay, hate to tell you guys, I guaranteed that never happened. Okay? You all fell for another one of Vic’s lies. We all have ‘cause that’s what he does best. ''[Just then, Odie arrives outside Garfield’s cage.]'' Odie! Odie! How’d you get out? Quick! Pick the lock on my cage! :'''Jon''': ''[arrives at the pound]'' Garfield! There you are! :'''Garfield''': Jon! Oh, take me away from all of this! You can’t imagine what I’ve been through! :'''Female Pound Worker''': You want this one, too? :'''Jon''': Uh, yes, I do. :'''Female Pound Worker''': You sure he's yours? He didn't have a tag. :'''Jon''': Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, he has a tag. ''[shows her the collar and tag on Garfield’s neck]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[dumbfounded]'' I have a collar and a tag? How long have I had those? :'''Female Pound Worker''': OK, I’m just gonna need you to hold… :'''Jon''': ''[snaps]'' '''I WILL NOT HOLD! I AM DONE HOLDING! THE JON WHO WAS ON HOLD IS DEAD! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Soon, Garfield and Odie are back home!]'' :'''Garfield''': That’s right! I’m back, baby! ''[rushes over to his favorite chair]'' I was just talking about you, wasn’t I? ''[presses the button to put it in recliner mode]'' Oh, I’ve missed you, too. ''[turns on the TV to watch Catflix, then rushes over to Pooky and his bed]'' Pooky! I have a lot to tell you. You’re never gonna believe it. Crazy stuff happened. I slept outside twice! I know. Oh, and I made you this commemorative pin. ''[gets out a pin and puts it on Pooky]'' :'''Jon''': ''[offscreen]'' Dinner time! :'''Garfield''': Talk later! ''[kisses Pooky and runs off]'' :''[Garfield gets on the stair railing, slides down, jumps off, and floats down with an umbrella. He dances over to the dinner table, where Jon serves up lasagna for dinner. Garfield takes in the smell and Jon grates cheese on top of the food]'' :'''Jon''': Say when? :'''Garfield''': Never, Jon! Bury me in cheese! :'''Jon''': I have two more in the freezer. Let me know when you want them. ''[timer dings]'' I’m gonna go check on dessert. :'''Garfield''': Oh, I apologize in advance. ''[gets out a fork and a knife]'' The eating you are about to see will not be pretty. And if you have young children, this would be a good time for them to leave the room. :'''Odie''': Mm-hmm! :''[Garfield prepares to dig in until he notices a giant oak tree across the house.]'' :'''Olivia''': ''[voiceover]'' He’d just sit across the street from his kid’s house in a giant oak tree. :'''Garfield''': ''[He gets up from his seat and walks away. His stomach growls and tries to steer him back to the table]'' I know, I know. We’re coming back. ''[his stomach growls]'' I just need to check something out first. ''[He leaves the house and walks to the oak tree, causing a bit of traffic along the way]'' :'''Snickers''': ''[voiceover]'' He put a notch in the bark. Every time he was there. :'''Garfield''': ''[He climbs up the tree and looks around for a notch]'' He left a notch. ''[sighs]'' Yeah, right. ''[He looks up to see one notch followed by tons of notches scratched everywhere on the tree]'' He was here. He saw me grow up. :''[Odie barks from below and Garfield uses his claws to slide down the tree]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh. Ow. Wow. That really stings. I don’t know why I didn’t think it would. Give me a second. ''[gets off the tree and hugs Odie]'' Vic loves us! Me first, of course, but then you too, but me a lot. At first. ''[Odie scoffs]'' Wait, wait, wait, wait, but if he loves me, us, why would he let me, us, get captured at the dairy? Unless...''[gasps]'' he wanted us to get captured! ''[As he walks down the street, he causes more traffic]'' :'''Driver''': Hey, watch it! :'''Garfield''': Yes! He knew that Jinx wasn’t going to let him off the hook, but if we got caught, we get sent to the pound and Jon would come and get us! ''[Odie gets him off the road]'' Don’t you see, Odie? He was trying to save us! :'''Driver''': ''[offscreen]'' Losers! :'''Garfield''': We have to go save my dad. :''[Back in the kitchen, Jon wheels in a big candy volcano.]'' :'''Jon''': And here’s your favorite dessert, Mount Candy-toa! ''[notices they’re gone]'' Uh, guys? ''[He sees the two pets leaving and the volcano erupts, covering the entire kitchen and himself in candy.]'' Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"> :''[Garfield and Odie head back to the mall, where they find Jinx’s big board]'' :'''Garfield''': What is this? ''[They see pictures of Vic being scratched out before seeing a negative review on Mamma Leoni’s. Gasps in horrified]'' Half a star for Mamma Leoni’s?! ''[Growls in anger]'' She’s a monster! ''[Then, they see drawings of what Jinx plans to do to Vic.]'' She’s gonna tie him up... take him on a train...''[gasps]'' She’s gonna throw him off the Mile High Bridge! We’re gonna need help. But who can we call? ''[Odie gets out an acorn earpiece. Gasps]'' Ugh, you got a waxy buildup. What’s your q-tip routine? ''[Odie groans]'' You’re right, you’re right. We can deal with this situation later. ''[puts the acorn piece in his ear]'' Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Get off the line. This acorn call is for emergency use only. :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Otto! Otto, please listen. I wanna make good on our original deal. But.. But I need a favor first. ''[a beat]'' Otto, are you still there or are you taking a dramatic pause? :'''Otto''': ''[on com; then]'' I’m listening. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the train, Vic is tied up while hanging upside down]'' :'''Jinx''': You know, Vic, you only have yourself to blame for this. :''[Roland plays the violin for dramatic music]'' :'''Vic''': Right. Look, there’s got to be some way for me to make this right. I mean, I know we can think of something. :'''Jinx''': Oh, there is, and you will. :''[Roland continues playing while Nolan uses a flashlight for dramatic lighting. As the train goes down the track...]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Garfield and Otto approach the tree]'' :'''Garfield''': So, once I get on the train, I untie Vic and we jump off right as the train gets to the bridge. :'''Otto''': Correct. Chipmunk will be waiting for you. :''[Cut to Odie, he has made a net at the bottom of a cliff with spikes]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Confirm your status, Chipmunk. :''[Odie barks with a thumbs-up. Otto pulls back the branch while Garfield puts on his stunt suit]'' :'''Otto''': If you don’t jump right as the train gets to the bridge, you’ll miss the net. :'''Garfield''': Got it. It’s getting close. :'''Otto''': Have you considered throwing a rope over a branch and just swinging onto the passing train instead? :'''Garfield''': You watch too much TV. :'''Otto''': I’ve never watched TV. :'''Garfield''': This way is much better than your rope idea. :'''Otto''': Better than the versatile, reliable rope? :'''Garfield''': Look, I’ve studied the science. I know what I’m doing. :'''Otto''': And you think you can battle these villains on your own? :'''Garfield''': Oh, yeah. I have a plan. ''[speaks on com]'' Odie, make the order. :''[Odie barks and gets out Jon’s phone, confirming a new delivery]'' :'''Garfield''': Now get ready to fling me in the direction of that moving train. ''[As the train approaches...]'' Get ready. If I don’t make it back, tell my story. ''[The train comes near]'' Now! ''[Otto lets go of the branch, sending him flying]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill, you’re too high! You’re gonna miss it! :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' No, no, this is how you do it. It’s called a ricochet approach. ''[He gets kicked off by a billy goat, knocking him out of his suit. Then, he bounces off Otto’s belly]'' :''[Cut to the train, Jinx sees a sign saying, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE - 5 MILES AHEAD".]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[laughs evilly]'' It won’t be long now! I can’t tell you how excited I am for what’s about to happen next! :''[Suddenly, Garfield flies into her, knocking her into Roland and Nolan. He then runs over to his dad.]'' :'''Garfield''': Dad, I’m here to rescue you! :'''Vic''': No, no, no, no, no, Junior, get out of here! :'''Garfield''': I'm gonna untie you and we're gonna jump off the train! :'''Vic''': NO, JUST LEAVE ME AND GO! :'''Garfield''': I DIDN'T COME THIS FAR JUST TO TURN AROUND! LET ME UNTIE YOU! :'''Jinx''': ''[grabs a nearby axe; enraged]'' You’re ruining everything! ''[She swings it down, but Garfield has it cut the rope instead, freeing Vic.]'' :'''Garfield''': Hurry! This way. ''[He and Vic carefully walk the side of the train car. As Garfield spots a ladder close by, Jinx summons her henchdogs]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[groans]'' You half-wit! Get them! :''[Garfield climbs to the top of the car. Vic tries to cross when Roland opens the door and tries to grab him. Vic throws the rope to Garfield, and he pulls him up. They see some oncoming branches and dodge them. Garfield sees the sign saying, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE - 3 MILES AHEAD".]'' :'''Garfield''': The bridge is coming up! We gotta get to the caboose now! :'''Vic''': What? Why? :'''Garfield''': Just follow my lead! :''[As they run toward the caboose, Roland appears in front of their path. They turn back, only to see Nolan. The two cats are surrounded.]'' :'''Roland''': Oy, kitty cat. Do you really expect to take on us all by yourself? :'''Garfield''': No. I brought...''takeout''. :'''Roland''': Huh? :'''Nolan''': Huh? :''[Up in the sky, we see tons of drones flying in with deliveries as the Top Gun theme plays. Garfield gets out of the rope and grabs onto a drone, flying up. He stuffs meatballs in his mouth and jumps down onto the train car, shooting them like a machine gun. They hit Nolan away and Jinx growls at this. Then, Garfield gets onto another drone to pour dressing on the salad. He throws the salad on the roof, making Roland slip on it.]'' :'''Garfield''': I never understood the purpose of salad until...''[he throws a salad leaf away]''...this exact moment. :''[Vic trips Roland. However, Garfield sees another sign saying, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE - 1 MILE AHEAD". Time is running out! He flies over to his dad]'' :'''Garfield''': Go, go! Now! ''[He and Vic head toward the caboose]'' :'''Jinx''': Get after them! :''[Roland chases them down. As Vic tries to jump, the big dog pulls him back by the rope. Garfield turns back and grabs a season shaker to pour it on Roland's eyes, stinging him. The cat hops over from one box to another]'' :'''Garfield''': Yeah, in case you were wondering, I do my own stunts. Me...and [[w:Tom Cruise|Tom Cruise]]. :''[Jinx grabs the box he's on, spins him around, and throws him off]'' :'''Vic''': Junior! :''[Luckily, Garfield gets on another. Vic cheers for his son]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[to her hench-dogs]'' Stop him! :''[Garfield hops across a path of pizza boxes and grabs a container of Mamma Leoni's Hot Sauce. He opens it and gulps the sauce down. He then gets on the train car and breathes fire at the villains, scaring them off.]'' :'''Vic''': Now that’s amazing! :'''Garfield''': ''[his tongue numb]'' I can’t feel my tongue! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill, are you at the caboose ready to jump? :''[Garfield sees the caboose being a few train cars away. He sees a hanging tree branch and gets an idea. He uses the rope to catch the branch and swing him and his father to the caboose. However, the two cats hang by both sides of the car. Vic makes it while Garfield flies around and runs across a wall]'' :'''Garfield''': Dad! Dad! :'''Vic''': Jump, Junior! I’ll catch you! :''[Garfield jumps and Vic catches him. He pulls his son in for a hug, but they see the villains glaring from inside the car. Garfield sees a sign reading, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE AHEAD". They have arrived at the Mile High Bridge!]'' :'''Vic''': What do we do now?! :'''Garfield''': We do this! ''[He pushes Vic off the train.]'' :'''Vic''': '''AHHHHH!''' :'''Garfield''': See you, everyone! ''[He falls off the train but notices his dad flying up]'' :'''Vic''': ''[flying up]'' The net’s too tight! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill, the net is too tight! :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' I heard! ''[He bounces off the net and he and his father crash through the caboose]'' :'''Jinx''': Hello again! Welcome back. Now, where were we? ''[Soon, the two dogs hang Garfield and Vic over the side of the train, ready to drop them]'' No, no, don’t throw them over just yet! I want to find the perfect place for them to make the biggest splat. :'''Vic''': Hey, Junior. Junior, Junior. :'''Jinx''': Get ready! Almost there! :'''Garfield''': Sorry my rescue didn’t work out. :'''Vic''': No, you gave me another chance. That’s all that matters. :''[Garfield smiles at his father. Roland and Nolan see this, touched at the father and son moment]'' :'''Jinx''': Now! Now! Drop them now! ''[gasps]'' What are you waiting for?! :''[However, the two dogs refuse to drop Garfield and Vic.]'' :'''Roland''': Their love for one another indicates that despite their current circumstance, they are at peace. ''[Nolan nods]'' Because...they are together. :'''Jinx''': So? :'''Nolan''': If the point of your revenge was to hurt them...It has done the opposite. It’s actually textbook irony! :'''Roland''': And we’re no longer comfortable with your plan! ''[Nolan nods]'' :'''Jinx''': You two are still as weak as you were when I found you sniveling in the pound! ''[imitates Roland]'' "Oooh, no one will adopt us. I never grew into my folds. I hide behind them because I'm socially awkward." ''[imitates Nolan]'' "Please! Somebody love me! Even if I can’t sit still for more than 10 seconds and have the attention span of A BLOODY GOLDFISH!" :'''Roland''': We did everything you ever asked of us. I even spoke with this ridiculous accent to make you feel more at home! But no more! ''[speaks in a Brooklyn accent]'' I’m New York, loud and proud! I love myself the way I am, and I’m a big, brave boy, baby! :'''Nolan''': I’ve been working on my attention span! ''[notices a hot air balloon and gasps]'' Is that a hot air balloon? :'''Jinx''': ''[growls as her mood necklace turns red, furiously; last words before her defeat]'' You two... ARE... '''WORTHLESS!''' ''[She pushes her former hench-dogs along with Garfield and Vic off the train. She laughs evilly, only to get knocked off by an overpass.]'' :'''Garfield, Vic, Roland, and Nolan''': ''[screaming]'' :''[As Garfield, Vic, Roland, and Nolan fall, they all grab hands and Roland’s folds open up like a parachute, floating them safely down]'' :'''Garfield''': Might I just say, as someone else with a zaftig figure, you have a beautiful body, sir. :'''Roland''': Oh, dear! :''[Unfortunately, they give way and they resume falling down. Just then, Otto swings in on rope, saving them all]'' :'''Otto''': Rope. Versatile. Reliable. :'''Garfield''': There’s something about your cadence that really throws me, but thank you. :''[Otto also grabs the falling Jinx and sets the five of them on the net. Jinx ends up getting stuck. Nolan cackles at this.]'' :'''Roland''': Tee-hee. :''[Odie licks Garfield before embracing him]'' :'''Vic''': Tossing me off the train? Did not see that coming. :'''Garfield''': Well, when you live in the wild, you gotta keep your head on a swivel. :'''Vic''': Right. :'''Garfield''': ''[eats a leaf]'' It’s basic Outdoor Cat 101.... ''[then]'' And that had bird poop on it! ''[spits it out]'' :'''Otto''': Hey, you good, Roadkill? :'''Garfield''': Not quite. There’s one last thing to take care of. Cut to... <hr width="50%"> :''[Cut to nighttime on a bridge, away from the city. Marge drives up to meet with a mystery figure holding a kennel.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' It was a dark and foggy night. The air was damp and heavier than a broken pipe. On nights like this, you can’t swing a cat without hitting shady characters making shady deals all over town. ''[Marge flashes headlights at the figure, who flashes his flashlight back. Voiceover]'' Oh, but this night was going to be different. Justice was about to be served with a helping of retribution on the side. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She steps out of the truck]'' Is that the package? :'''Garfield''': ''[disguised voice]'' It is. :'''Marge Malone''': Well, we have a deal. ''[She whistles and Ethel steps out of the truck]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[disguised voice]'' No one will come looking for her? :'''Marge Malone''': Nope. I did what you said. I burned her paperwork, and then shredded it, and burned it some more. It’s like she never existed. Except for the image of her face on millions of dairy products. :''[Ethel comes over to the figure, who gives Marge the kennel and some keys. The mystery figure is actually the three animals with Garfield using the same Critter Talk app to mask his voice]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[disguised voice]'' This...never happened. :'''Marge Malone''': Agreed. ''[She leaves with the cage, revealing Jinx inside it. She growls at Marge]'' Oh, save it, Cat Fancy! I know you planned the milk truck heist and then tried to throw those innocent cats off a train to cover it up. The boys told me everything. :''[Jinx sees her former henchdogs now working for Marge. She hisses at them. Meanwhile, Ethel looks around until she finds Otto. They are reunited at last!]'' :'''Ethel''': Otto! ''[hugs Otto]'' You are my day. :'''Otto''': You are my night. :''[Otto and Ethel stare lovingly at each other. Otto sprays cologne in his mouth and prepares to kiss her, but Ethel leaps onto him and they both have a romantic kiss.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The next morning, Garfield, Odie, and Vic arrive at Jon’s house]'' :'''Garfield''': Uh...''[sighs]'' Well, this is us. :'''Vic''': Right. Your home. I just.. :'''Garfield''': I just wanted to say I’m sorry. :'''Vic''': I’m sorry. What are you sorry for? :'''Garfield''': For misjudging you. :'''Vic''': Oh. Well, thanks. Well, I just wanted to apologize to you for… :'''Garfield''': Everything bad that happened to us the last three days? :'''Vic''': You know, you had your hand in a few bad decisions back there, too, but...''[sighs]'' Yeah, I’m sorry for dragging you into my world. This is where you belong here. Here with Jon and...''[to Odie]'' what’s your name again? Odor? :'''Odie''': Huh?! ''[growls then pants happily before hugging Vic]'' :'''Vic''': So, um, I should go. :'''Garfield''': Yeah, yeah. I mean, unless you want to come in. :'''Vic''': I don’t know. I don’t think that would work. I’m...I’m an outdoor cat. :'''Garfield''': Right. Sure, sure. No, I just...I figured... :'''Vic''': No, no, no, I get it. But you know, I got this thing on the other side of town I gotta go do, so... :'''Garfield''': No, I’m very busy, too. Yeah. :'''Vic''': See you around then? :'''Garfield''': You know where to find me. :'''Vic''': In the kitchen. Well, take care. And remember, ''[imitates Otto]'' stay out of the pinecone. ''[He leaves the two alone and Odie barks at Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': What? You heard him. It’s for the best. :'''Odie''': ''[shakes his head]'' Mm-mm. :''[They go inside the house and reunite with their owner]'' :'''Jon''': Oh, you’re back! What is going on? Are you okay? I was so worried! I was gonna add more locks to the door. You know, try to keep you in, but then I thought, well, what if they wanted to be outdoor pets? Do you want to be free range? ''[They shake their heads “no”. Sighs in relief]'' I really missed you, guys, and I gotta say it’s great to be together again, the whole entire family. You have no idea what the last few days have been like: phone calls and hold times and tears... :''[As Jon talks, Odie barks to Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': Don’t give me that. I asked him to stay. ''[Odie grumbles]'' He wanted to leave. ''[Odie groans]'' You heard him. He said he had to...''[Odie growls]'' Well, I-I...''[Odie growls again; groans]'' Fine. I’ll be right back. ''[He heads out of the house]'' :'''Jon Arbuckle''': Wait! Wait! What?! Am I using trigger words that I’m not aware of? ''[Odie pats his shoulder]'' :''[In outside, Garfield running far away and he stops and he look sideways of the neighborhood, and then Garfield approaches the oak tree where his father is.]'' :'''Garfield''': So, you coming in or do we have to bring food up there to you? :'''Vic''': I’ll come to you. I just need to finish something up here. ''[He comes down, Garfield hugs him in embrace, and they head back to the house]'' :'''Garfield''': You know, those notches show how much you love me. :'''Vic''': Is that what you think of me? :'''Garfield''': Yep. :'''Vic''': Nah, I was just counting how many slices of lasagna you ate. <hr width="50%"> :''[Last lines; cut to Garfield preparing food]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' My medium is cuisine. My colors are flavors. My palette is my palette, if you will. ''[Soon, He's done making food. Though it doesn’t look appetizing]'' Dinner is served. :''[Odie uses a fire extinguisher to put out the flames in the oven]'' :'''Vic''': Wow, son! I didn’t know you could cook. :'''Garfield''': Ah, yes. ''[as he tries to pull out a piece]'' Pasta is my paint and the dinner plate is my canvas. ''[puts out a piece with a saltshaker in it]'' Oh, so that’s where that went. ''[He gives a piece to Vic, who tries it]'' :'''Vic''': I had worse. ''[laughs]'' :''[Garfield serves Odie and Jon a few more pieces]'' :'''Jon''': Thank you, Garfield. ''[notices Vic eating up]'' Uh, is he gonna be coming around for dinner often? :'''Garfield''': Yeah. He's family. :''[Odie barks, Jon and Garfield laughing. But suddenly, Jon receives a notification on his phone.]'' :'''Jon''': What? Why do I have a take-out bill for 6,000 drone deliveries?! :''[Garfield shushes the audience. We cut to a montage of Vic and Garfield living together. Vic uses a Walmart app to purchase a big chair on wheels to join his son. Then, they eat out food from the fridge. Next, they eat their pizza the same way Garfield did in the opening before picking their teeth clean. At the restaurant, they, along with Odie, disguise themselves to order food. On the bed, Garfield lies on Jon’s face and Vic lies on top of him, breaking the bed down from his weight. Cut to them riding in Jon’s car while sticking their heads out the windows. Jinx is seen doing community service by cleaning up trash. She throws her grabber and helmet down in anger. At Garfield’s birthday party, everyone is invited. Otto, Ethel, Liz, Marla, Vito, Vic’s old cat gang, the token animals, Roland and Nolan...Even Nermal appears, asking for a slice of cake. Garfield glares at him. Finally, Jon puts up a big picture of him and his pets, including Vic.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[After the credits, we fade to a three-panel comic strip in the style of Jim Davis.]'' :'''Garfield''': Why are you still here? Oh! I know! You're waiting for the sequel! == Cast == *'''[[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]]''' — [[w:Garfield (character)|Garfield]] *'''[[w:Harvey Guillén|Harvey Guillén]]''' — [[w:List of Garfield characters#Odie|Odie]] *'''[[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]]''' — Vic *'''[[w:Hannah Waddingham|Hannah Waddingham]]''' — Jinx *'''[[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]''' — Otto *'''[[Nicholas Hoult]]''' — [[w:Jon Arbuckle|Jon Arbuckle]] *'''[[w:Cecily Strong|Cecily Strong]]''' — Marge Malone *'''[[w:Brett Goldstein|Brett Goldstein]]''' — Roland *'''[[w:Bowen Yang|Bowen Yang]]''' — Nolan *'''[[Snoop Dogg]]''' — Maurice *'''[[w:Janelle James|Janelle James]]''' — Olivia *'''[[w:Angus Cloud|Angus Cloud]]''' — Snickers *'''[[Jeff Foxworthy]]''' — Zapped Bird *'''[[w:Eugenia Caruso|Eugenia Caruso]]''' — Maria *'''Cameron Bernard Jones''' — Barry, Lactose Farms Phone Operator #1 *'''Alicia Grace Turrell''' — Ethel, Lactose Farms Phone Operator #2 *'''Dev Joshi''' — [[w:List of Garfield characters#Dr. Liz Wilson|Liz Wilson]] == External Links == {{Wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=5779228| title=The Garfield Movie}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=the_garfield_movie|title=The Garfield Movie}} [[Category:2024 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Garfield films]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Films set on trains]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films based on comics]] [[Category:Reboot films]] [[Category:Films directed by Mark Dindal]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] 4h2bbaqjagbl22h4dni3l14gb5i9vgr 0 279312 3944241 3944145 2026-05-22T18:25:23Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3944241 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)|The Inbetweeners Movie]]''''' is a is a 2011 British coming-of-age teen adventure comedy film based on the [[w:E4 (TV channel)|E4]] sitcom ''[[The Inbetweeners]]''. It was written by series creators [[w:Damon Beesley|Damon Beesley]] and [[w:Iain Morris|Iain Morris]] and directed by [[w:Ben Palmer|Ben Palmer]] == Dialogue == :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to fucking leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess. ---- ''(Neil is working behind the fish counter at a supermarket.)'' :'''Neil''': All right, Jay’s mum! Where’s Jay? :'''Jay’s Mum''': Oh, hello, Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. ''(Her phone rings)'' Hello? Ohh… :'''Neil''': It’s a bit over, is that okay? :'''Customer''': Not really. ''(Neil takes a few prawns away when he sees a clock on the wall behind him click over 6pm. He drops the prawns which scatter everywhere.)'' :'''Customer''': Excuse me! My prawns? :'''Neil''': Sorry, mate, I finish at six. ''(He grabs the girl named Nicole and in full view of the customers they start snogging long and hard.)'' :'''Neil''': Cheers for that. :'''Nicole''': You don’t have to thank me every time. :'''Neil''': Oh, right. Cool. You’re so fit. ''(They start snogging hard again. The waiting customers look on disgusted. Eventually they break for air.)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert. ---- :'''Will''': Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting. :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' They say your school days are the best days of your life. But the only way that would be true for me would be if I went straight from school to prison and stayed there forever until I died. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts. ---- :'''Check in Woman''': Malia flight? :'''Will''': Yep. :'''Check in Woman''': Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane. ---- ''(The boys walk down the coach. It’s not that busy, and in the middle are sat a group of nice looking girls.)'' :'''Neil''': Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em? :'''Jay''': Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil. :'''Neil''': Really? What about that netball team? :'''Jay''': Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves. :'''Neil''': Ah, course. :'''Will''': Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos. :'''Jay''': Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins. :'''Neil''': Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere. :'''Jay''': Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples. :'''Will''': But I’ve not slept for 37 hours. :'''Simon''': So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then. :'''Will''': Fine, good idea. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off. ---- :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful! ''(The coach is stopped outside a shitty looking, half-finished five-storey concrete box, with no landscaping, just some brush. In the front, there’s a Greek Man smoking, pulling a wet dead dog out of a well. The boys look on, repulsed.) :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here. :'''Holiday Rep''': Right then, McKenzie party. This is you. ''(Burnley Lads cheer uproariously)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished. ''(Will and the three boys slowly trudge off the coach)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Is wonderful… ''(The boys, looking unhappy, pick up their suitcases as the bus pulls away behind them.)'' :'''Neil''': This don’t look like the pictures ''(The Greek Man who has pulled the dog out the well comes over to them.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I still don’t know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here. :'''Greek Man''': You Willy? :'''Will''': Yes. :'''Greek Man''': Your key. You have fun. But not too much fun. You shit on floor - 50 euro fine. Each time! ''(He walks off swinging the dog. As the boys walk towards the apartments, a really hard looking British bloke named Hard Steve comes out the main door.)'' :'''Hard Steve''': All right, lads! Are you stopping here? :'''Will''': Uh. Yes. We are. :'''Hard Steve''': Bad luck. I’ve just come back from Afghanistan, and conditions there are better than this shithole. I can’t wait to get back to lying in a dusty dench, being shot at by some raghead. Are you married? :'''Simon''': No. :'''Hard Steve''': Don’t get married. The wife bought this, but somehow, it’s my fucking fault. Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I’ll see youse later. :'''Greek Man''': Steve! You owe me 50 euros! ''(The boys look a bit shocked, then they head inside)'' ---- ''(The boys enter their holiday apartment and wander around. It’s disgusting and has the kind of decor that it’s hard to break and cheap to replace.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit. ''(Will opens the door which is empty apart from half a can of dog food. Will and Simon then walk into the living area, which has a sofabed in it. They pull out the sofa bed, and it has huge light brown stain on a white sheet in the middle of it.)'' :'''Jay and Neil''': Shotgun this room! :'''Simon''': Shotgun the sofa bed! :'''Will''': Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?! :'''Simon''': Not really my problem. ''(In the bathroom)'' :'''Neil''': What’s that? Is that the bath? :'''Jay''': Course it’s not the bath, you fucking idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet. :'''Neil''': Is it? :'''Jay''': Yes! :'''Neil''': Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then? :'''Jay''': Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it. :'''Neil''': Ugh, that’s grim! :'''Jay''': Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty. ''(Simon and Will walk in)'' :'''Simon''': See? ''(pointing at the bathtub)'' That looks nice! :'''Will''': I’m not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed. :'''Jay''': ''(High-pitched)'' Ooh, ‘ello! ''(Normal voice)'' Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna fuck itself, you know. :'''Will''': Charming(!) ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies. :'''Jay''': She’d get it. :'''Neil''': Most definitely! :'''Jay''': Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one. :'''Neil''': And that one. She’d get it. :'''Jay''': Right in the bumholey. :'''Neil''': I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted. :'''Jay''': So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour. :'''Neil''': No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich. ---- ''(It is a massive and totally empty bar/club, with the exception of a lone barman wiping down glasses.)'' :'''Will''': Ah, interesting. ''(Jay peels off to the bar)'' :'''Neil''': Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing. :'''Will''': And why would she lie?! ''(They head over to the bar, Jay’s already ordering.)'' :'''Jay''': All right, mate. Four pints, four Jägermeisters and a fishbowl, please. :'''Neil''': ''(To the Barman very slowly in shouted English)'' Hello. When it good here? :'''Barman''': Sorry? :'''Neil''': Er, when here party good? :'''Barman''': ''(in English)'' In normally about an hour or two. :'''Simon''': Oh. Well, as we’ve paid, maybe we should hang on, then? :'''Barman''': But this year…never. :'''Neil''': ''(Shouted still)'' Thanking you, very much. :'''Simon''': Okay, let’s go. :'''Jay''': Fuck off! My bird’ll be down in a minute. :'''Will''': Do you mean the woman who’s clearly on commission to trick people into this empty bar? :'''Jay''': No, I mean the little hottie outside I was flirting with. :'''Will''': I’ll take that as a yes, then. :'''Jay''': I’m going nowhere till she’s sucked me off! :'''Simon''': So you’re going nowhere. :'''Will''': Jay, we’re on holiday! I meant to be out there, trying to hit girls I think are beneath me but who, for their part, won’t give me the time of day! So, let’s go! ''(They go to leave, but stop dead when they see the four girls who were on the coach coming down the stairs.)'' :'''Neil''': Ooh! Hello, hello! It’s those little lovelies from the coach! :'''Jay''': ''(indicating the larger girl)'' That one’s not so little. :'''Simon''': I think they’re looking at us. :'''Will''': And not in a weird, terrified, “leave us alone” way. Amazing! :'''Simon''': Jay, you’re drunkest. Go over and talk to them. :'''Jay''': Nah. Not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside. Why go for hamburgers when you’ve got steak at home? :'''Will''': If, like you, you have neither anywhere. It’s up to you, then, Si. :'''Simon''': Oh, shit, really? I don’t know if I’m over Carli. ''(Jay slaps Simon in the nuts)'' :'''Simon''': Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?! :'''Jay''': Yes, I can. When you stop being such a pussy about your ex. It’s time to get back on the horse now, Si. And those little ponies need feeding. Feed the pony. :'''Simon''': Yeah, okay, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there. :'''Will''': Great. :'''Jay''': You fucking sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you. :'''Simon''': Really?! :'''Will''': Annoyingly, that does sound right. :'''Jay''': Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and fuck ‘em up the arse. :'''Will''': That might be a bit much. :'''Simon''': Yeah, I dunno. :'''Neil''': Oh, fucking hell, I’ll do it. :'''Will''': What about Nicole? :'''Neil''': It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine. :'''Will''': Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here. ---- :'''Will''': Am I doing it right? Am I in time? :'''Simon''': Maybe a bit out, but not so you’d notice. Copy Neil. ---- :'''Alison''': So, do this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe to scare the customers off? :'''Will''': No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday. What’s your excuse? :'''Alison''': Sort of similar. I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, so now I’m back. :'''Will''': Hilarious. Course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter? :'''Alison''': Waiter. :'''Will''': Brilliant. Was he called Stavros? :'''Alison''': Nicos. :'''Will''': Too good. I bet he’s different to all the boys back home! :'''Alison''': Yeah. He understands women, for one. :'''Will''': I’m sure he does. Must get enough practice. ---- :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(whooping)'' ''(Will and Simon are asleep on the sofabed, Will under a horrible looking blanket. It’s early but the sun is up and daylight fills the room through the transparent curtains.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, I was woken up by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack. ''(He wakes up and notices the door to the bedroom is closed, but on the handle, he can see Neil’s white trilby hat.)'' :'''Will''': Simon… Simon! :'''Simon''': Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. Have you got any water? :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(still whooping)'' :'''Simon''': What the fuck is that noise? :'''Will''': I think it’s Neil. :'''Simon''': Oh, no, not the dinner lady from last night! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Smooth me lover. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' I cannot understand a thing you say. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Spunk all over me bastard tits. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Oh, right. :'''Will''': Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Ooowww! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Fucking smack it! Smack it, you little prick! ''(slaps)'' Is that all you’ve got? :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Shall I bite it? :'''Will''': Interesting question. :'''Simon''': This is beyond creepy. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Bite it. Spit on it! Twist it right fucking off! :'''Will''': Okay, I’m getting out of here! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Harder! ''(As the noises continue, Will and Simon head onto the balcony)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit. :'''Neil''': What about there? :'''Will''': They’ve got towels on them, Neil. :'''Neil''': So? :'''Will''': That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those. :'''Neil''': Fuck that! ''(Jay goes to move the towels off the beds.)'' :'''Will''': No, Jay, we can’t! :'''Jay''': Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em. :'''Simon''': That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it. :'''Jay''': Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too? ''(And with that, Jay grabs the towels and chucks them into the middle of the pool.)'' :'''Will''': Jay! :'''Jay''': Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more fucked than Neil's dad’s arsehole. :'''Will''': Jay, please! :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls. == Cast == * [[Wikipedia:Simon Bird|Simon Bird]] as Will McKenzie * [[Wikipedia:James Buckley|James Buckley]] as Jay Cartwright * [[Wikipedia:Blake Harrison|Blake Harrison]] as Neil Sutherland * [[Wikipedia:Joe Thomas|Joe Thomas]] as Simon Cooper * [[Wikipedia:Emily Head|Emily Head]] as Carli D’Amato * [[Wikipedia:Laura Haddock|Laura Haddock]] as Alison * [[Wikipedia:Tamla Kari|Tamla Kari]] as Lucy * [[Wikipedia:Jessica Knappett|Jessica Knappett]] as Lisa * [[Wikipedia:Lydia Rose Bewley|Lydia Rose Bewley]] as Jane == External Links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:2010s British films]] [[Category:2010s English-language films]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] jn30qp0ex1lgdlzfzmwxxorpwb6e9uu 3944258 3944241 2026-05-22T19:12:43Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Dialogue */ 3944258 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)|The Inbetweeners Movie]]''''' is a is a 2011 British coming-of-age teen adventure comedy film based on the [[w:E4 (TV channel)|E4]] sitcom ''[[The Inbetweeners]]''. It was written by series creators [[w:Damon Beesley|Damon Beesley]] and [[w:Iain Morris|Iain Morris]] and directed by [[w:Ben Palmer|Ben Palmer]] == Dialogue == :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to fucking leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess. ---- ''(Neil is working behind the fish counter at a supermarket.)'' :'''Neil''': All right, Jay’s mum! Where’s Jay? :'''Jay’s Mum''': Oh, hello, Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. ''(Her phone rings)'' Hello? Ohh… :'''Neil''': It’s a bit over, is that okay? :'''Customer''': Not really. ''(Neil takes a few prawns away when he sees a clock on the wall behind him click over 6pm. He drops the prawns which scatter everywhere.)'' :'''Customer''': Excuse me! My prawns? :'''Neil''': Sorry, mate, I finish at six. ''(He grabs the girl named Nicole and in full view of the customers they start snogging long and hard.)'' :'''Neil''': Cheers for that. :'''Nicole''': You don’t have to thank me every time. :'''Neil''': Oh, right. Cool. You’re so fit. ''(They start snogging hard again. The waiting customers look on disgusted. Eventually they break for air.)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert. ---- :'''Will''': Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting. :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' They say your school days are the best days of your life. But the only way that would be true for me would be if I went straight from school to prison and stayed there forever until I died. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts. ---- :'''Check in Woman''': Malia flight? :'''Will''': Yep. :'''Check in Woman''': Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane. ---- ''(The boys walk down the coach. It’s not that busy, and in the middle are sat a group of nice looking girls.)'' :'''Neil''': Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em? :'''Jay''': Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil. :'''Neil''': Really? What about that netball team? :'''Jay''': Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves. :'''Neil''': Ah, course. :'''Will''': Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos. :'''Jay''': Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins. :'''Neil''': Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere. :'''Jay''': Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples. :'''Will''': But I’ve not slept for 37 hours. :'''Simon''': So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then. :'''Will''': Fine, good idea. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off. ---- :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful! ''(The coach is stopped outside a shitty looking, half-finished five-storey concrete box, with no landscaping, just some brush. In the front, there’s a Greek Man smoking, pulling a wet dead dog out of a well. The boys look on, repulsed.) :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here. :'''Holiday Rep''': Right then, McKenzie party. This is you. ''(Burnley Lads cheer uproariously)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished. ''(Will and the three boys slowly trudge off the coach.)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Is wonderful… ''(The boys, looking unhappy, pick up their suitcases as the bus pulls away behind them.)'' :'''Neil''': This don’t look like the pictures ''(The Greek Man who has pulled the dog out the well comes over to them.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I still don’t know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here. :'''Greek Man''': You Willy? :'''Will''': Yes. :'''Greek Man''': Your key. You have fun. But not too much fun. You shit on floor - 50 euro fine. Each time! ''(He walks off swinging the dog. As the boys walk towards the apartments, a really hard looking British bloke named Hard Steve comes out the main door.)'' :'''Hard Steve''': All right, lads! Are you stopping here? :'''Will''': Uh. Yes. We are. :'''Hard Steve''': Bad luck. I’ve just come back from Afghanistan, and conditions there are better than this shithole. I can’t wait to get back to lying in a dusty dench, being shot at by some raghead. Are you married? :'''Simon''': No. :'''Hard Steve''': Don’t get married. The wife bought this, but somehow, it’s my fucking fault. Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I’ll see youse later. :'''Greek Man''': Steve! You owe me 50 euros! ''(The boys look a bit shocked, then they head inside.)'' ---- ''(The boys enter their holiday apartment and wander around. It’s disgusting and has the kind of decor that it’s hard to break and cheap to replace.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit. ''(Will opens the door which is empty apart from half a can of dog food. Will and Simon then walk into the living area, which has a sofabed in it. They pull out the sofa bed, and it has huge light brown stain on a white sheet in the middle of it.)'' :'''Jay and Neil''': Shotgun this room! :'''Simon''': Shotgun the sofa bed! :'''Will''': Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?! :'''Simon''': Not really my problem. ''(In the bathroom)'' :'''Neil''': What’s that? Is that the bath? :'''Jay''': Course it’s not the bath, you fucking idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet. :'''Neil''': Is it? :'''Jay''': Yes! :'''Neil''': Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then? :'''Jay''': Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it. :'''Neil''': Ugh, that’s grim! :'''Jay''': Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty. ''(Simon and Will walk in)'' :'''Simon''': See? ''(pointing at the bathtub)'' That looks nice! :'''Will''': I’m not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed. :'''Jay''': ''(High-pitched)'' Ooh, ‘ello! ''(Normal voice)'' Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna fuck itself, you know. :'''Will''': Charming(!) ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies. :'''Jay''': She’d get it. :'''Neil''': Most definitely! :'''Jay''': Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one. :'''Neil''': And that one. She’d get it. :'''Jay''': Right in the bumholey. :'''Neil''': I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted. :'''Jay''': So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour. :'''Neil''': No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich. ---- ''(It is a massive and totally empty bar/club, with the exception of a lone barman wiping down glasses.)'' :'''Will''': Ah, interesting. ''(Jay peels off to the bar)'' :'''Neil''': Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing. :'''Will''': And why would she lie?! ''(They head over to the bar, Jay’s already ordering.)'' :'''Jay''': All right, mate. Four pints, four Jägermeisters and a fishbowl, please. :'''Neil''': ''(To the Barman very slowly in shouted English)'' Hello. When it good here? :'''Barman''': Sorry? :'''Neil''': Er, when here party good? :'''Barman''': ''(in English)'' In normally about an hour or two. :'''Simon''': Oh. Well, as we’ve paid, maybe we should hang on, then? :'''Barman''': But this year…never. :'''Neil''': ''(Shouted still)'' Thanking you, very much. :'''Simon''': Okay, let’s go. :'''Jay''': Fuck off! My bird’ll be down in a minute. :'''Will''': Do you mean the woman who’s clearly on commission to trick people into this empty bar? :'''Jay''': No, I mean the little hottie outside I was flirting with. :'''Will''': I’ll take that as a yes, then. :'''Jay''': I’m going nowhere till she’s sucked me off! :'''Simon''': So you’re going nowhere. :'''Will''': Jay, we’re on holiday! I meant to be out there, trying to hit girls I think are beneath me but who, for their part, won’t give me the time of day! So, let’s go! ''(They go to leave, but stop dead when they see the four girls who were on the coach coming down the stairs.)'' :'''Neil''': Ooh! Hello, hello! It’s those little lovelies from the coach! :'''Jay''': ''(indicating the larger girl)'' That one’s not so little. :'''Simon''': I think they’re looking at us. :'''Will''': And not in a weird, terrified, “leave us alone” way. Amazing! :'''Simon''': Jay, you’re drunkest. Go over and talk to them. :'''Jay''': Nah. Not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside. Why go for hamburgers when you’ve got steak at home? :'''Will''': If, like you, you have neither anywhere. It’s up to you, then, Si. :'''Simon''': Oh, shit, really? I don’t know if I’m over Carli. ''(Jay slaps Simon in the nuts)'' :'''Simon''': Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?! :'''Jay''': Yes, I can. When you stop being such a pussy about your ex. It’s time to get back on the horse now, Si. And those little ponies need feeding. Feed the pony. :'''Simon''': Yeah, okay, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there. :'''Will''': Great. :'''Jay''': You fucking sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you. :'''Simon''': Really?! :'''Will''': Annoyingly, that does sound right. :'''Jay''': Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and fuck ‘em up the arse. :'''Will''': That might be a bit much. :'''Simon''': Yeah, I dunno. :'''Neil''': Oh, fucking hell, I’ll do it. :'''Will''': What about Nicole? :'''Neil''': It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine. :'''Will''': Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here. ---- :'''Will''': Am I doing it right? Am I in time? :'''Simon''': Maybe a bit out, but not so you’d notice. Copy Neil. --- :'''Simon''': It’s pretty devastating, cos she’s definitely the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. She’s so fascinating. She’s really funny, you know? :'''Lucy''': Oh, right. In what sort of way? :'''Simon''': Just like… You know when something’s funny and people get it? :'''Lucy''': Yes. :'''Simon''': So, in that way. And, also, in a comedy way. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Neil was a man of few words, but even for him, this was ridiculous. Not that I was faring that much better myself. ---- :'''Alison''': So, do this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe to scare the customers off? :'''Will''': No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday. What’s your excuse? :'''Alison''': Sort of similar. I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, so now I’m back. :'''Will''': Hilarious. Course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter? :'''Alison''': Waiter. :'''Will''': Brilliant. Was he called Stavros? :'''Alison''': Nicos. :'''Will''': Too good. I bet he’s different to all the boys back home! :'''Alison''': Yeah. He understands women, for one. :'''Will''': I’m sure he does. Must get enough practice. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink, he’d now stopped paying for his own. Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll. ---- :'''Simon''': So then Carli said we needed some space. And uni’s coming up, so maybe she’s right. :'''Lucy''': Sorry, who’s right? :'''Simon''': Carli? :'''Lucy''': Who? :'''Simon''': Carli, my ex? :'''Lucy''': You went out with a girl called Carli? You should’ve said(!) :'''Simon''': What? I did! That’s all I’ve been talking about. Oh! :'''Lucy''': Yes, I was joking! :'''Simon''': Sorry for going on about her. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me. :'''Lucy''': What?! :'''Simon''': Um, nothing. ---- :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(whooping)'' ''(Will and Simon are asleep on the sofabed, Will under a horrible looking blanket. It’s early but the sun is up and daylight fills the room through the transparent curtains.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, I was woken up by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack. ''(He wakes up and notices the door to the bedroom is closed, but on the handle, he can see Neil’s white trilby hat.)'' :'''Will''': Simon… Simon! :'''Simon''': Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. Have you got any water? :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(still whooping)'' :'''Simon''': What the fuck is that noise? :'''Will''': I think it’s Neil. :'''Simon''': Oh, no, not the dinner lady from last night! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Smooth me lover. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' I cannot understand a thing you say. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Spunk all over me bastard tits. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Oh, right. :'''Will''': Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Ooowww! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Fucking smack it! Smack it, you little prick! ''(slaps)'' Is that all you’ve got? :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Shall I bite it? :'''Will''': Interesting question. :'''Simon''': This is beyond creepy. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Bite it. Spit on it! Twist it right fucking off! :'''Will''': Okay, I’m getting out of here! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Harder! ''(As the noises continue, Will and Simon head onto the balcony)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit. :'''Neil''': What about there? :'''Will''': They’ve got towels on them, Neil. :'''Neil''': So? :'''Will''': That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those. :'''Neil''': Fuck that! ''(Jay goes to move the towels off the beds.)'' :'''Will''': No, Jay, we can’t! :'''Jay''': Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em. :'''Simon''': That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it. :'''Jay''': Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too? ''(And with that, Jay grabs the towels and chucks them into the middle of the pool.)'' :'''Will''': Jay! :'''Jay''': Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more fucked than Neil's dad’s arsehole. :'''Will''': Jay, please! :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls. == Cast == * [[Wikipedia:Simon Bird|Simon Bird]] as Will McKenzie * [[Wikipedia:James Buckley|James Buckley]] as Jay Cartwright * [[Wikipedia:Blake Harrison|Blake Harrison]] as Neil Sutherland * [[Wikipedia:Joe Thomas|Joe Thomas]] as Simon Cooper * [[Wikipedia:Emily Head|Emily Head]] as Carli D’Amato * [[Wikipedia:Laura Haddock|Laura Haddock]] as Alison * [[Wikipedia:Tamla Kari|Tamla Kari]] as Lucy * [[Wikipedia:Jessica Knappett|Jessica Knappett]] as Lisa * [[Wikipedia:Lydia Rose Bewley|Lydia Rose Bewley]] as Jane == External Links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:2010s British films]] [[Category:2010s English-language films]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] 2q2top58w9jxgagkjput6nl8hcu0nb4 3944259 3944258 2026-05-22T19:14:36Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 3944259 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)|The Inbetweeners Movie]]''''' is a is a 2011 British coming-of-age teen adventure comedy film based on the [[w:E4 (TV channel)|E4]] sitcom ''[[The Inbetweeners]]''. It was written by series creators [[w:Damon Beesley|Damon Beesley]] and [[w:Iain Morris|Iain Morris]] and directed by [[w:Ben Palmer|Ben Palmer]] == Dialogue == :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to fucking leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess. ---- ''(Neil is working behind the fish counter at a supermarket.)'' :'''Neil''': All right, Jay’s mum! Where’s Jay? :'''Jay’s Mum''': Oh, hello, Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. ''(Her phone rings)'' Hello? Ohh… :'''Neil''': It’s a bit over, is that okay? :'''Customer''': Not really. ''(Neil takes a few prawns away when he sees a clock on the wall behind him click over 6pm. He drops the prawns which scatter everywhere.)'' :'''Customer''': Excuse me! My prawns? :'''Neil''': Sorry, mate, I finish at six. ''(He grabs the girl named Nicole and in full view of the customers they start snogging long and hard.)'' :'''Neil''': Cheers for that. :'''Nicole''': You don’t have to thank me every time. :'''Neil''': Oh, right. Cool. You’re so fit. ''(They start snogging hard again. The waiting customers look on disgusted. Eventually they break for air.)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert. ---- :'''Will''': Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting. :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' They say your school days are the best days of your life. But the only way that would be true for me would be if I went straight from school to prison and stayed there forever until I died. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts. ---- :'''Check in Woman''': Malia flight? :'''Will''': Yep. :'''Check in Woman''': Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane. ---- ''(The boys walk down the coach. It’s not that busy, and in the middle are sat a group of nice looking girls.)'' :'''Neil''': Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em? :'''Jay''': Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil. :'''Neil''': Really? What about that netball team? :'''Jay''': Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves. :'''Neil''': Ah, course. :'''Will''': Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos. :'''Jay''': Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins. :'''Neil''': Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere. :'''Jay''': Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples. :'''Will''': But I’ve not slept for 37 hours. :'''Simon''': So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then. :'''Will''': Fine, good idea. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off. ---- :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful! ''(The coach is stopped outside a shitty looking, half-finished five-storey concrete box, with no landscaping, just some brush. In the front, there’s a Greek Man smoking, pulling a wet dead dog out of a well. The boys look on, repulsed.) :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here. :'''Holiday Rep''': Right then, McKenzie party. This is you. ''(Burnley Lads cheer uproariously)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished. ''(Will and the three boys slowly trudge off the coach.)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Is wonderful… ''(The boys, looking unhappy, pick up their suitcases as the bus pulls away behind them.)'' :'''Neil''': This don’t look like the pictures ''(The Greek Man who has pulled the dog out the well comes over to them.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I still don’t know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here. :'''Greek Man''': You Willy? :'''Will''': Yes. :'''Greek Man''': Your key. You have fun. But not too much fun. You shit on floor - 50 euro fine. Each time! ''(He walks off swinging the dog. As the boys walk towards the apartments, a really hard looking British bloke named Hard Steve comes out the main door.)'' :'''Hard Steve''': All right, lads! Are you stopping here? :'''Will''': Uh. Yes. We are. :'''Hard Steve''': Bad luck. I’ve just come back from Afghanistan, and conditions there are better than this shithole. I can’t wait to get back to lying in a dusty dench, being shot at by some raghead. Are you married? :'''Simon''': No. :'''Hard Steve''': Don’t get married. The wife bought this, but somehow, it’s my fucking fault. Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I’ll see youse later. :'''Greek Man''': Steve! You owe me 50 euros! ''(The boys look a bit shocked, then they head inside.)'' ---- ''(The boys enter their holiday apartment and wander around. It’s disgusting and has the kind of decor that it’s hard to break and cheap to replace.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit. ''(Will opens the door which is empty apart from half a can of dog food. Will and Simon then walk into the living area, which has a sofabed in it. They pull out the sofa bed, and it has huge light brown stain on a white sheet in the middle of it.)'' :'''Jay and Neil''': Shotgun this room! :'''Simon''': Shotgun the sofa bed! :'''Will''': Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?! :'''Simon''': Not really my problem. ''(In the bathroom)'' :'''Neil''': What’s that? Is that the bath? :'''Jay''': Course it’s not the bath, you fucking idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet. :'''Neil''': Is it? :'''Jay''': Yes! :'''Neil''': Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then? :'''Jay''': Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it. :'''Neil''': Ugh, that’s grim! :'''Jay''': Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty. ''(Simon and Will walk in)'' :'''Simon''': See? ''(pointing at the bathtub)'' That looks nice! :'''Will''': I’m not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed. :'''Jay''': ''(High-pitched)'' Ooh, ‘ello! ''(Normal voice)'' Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna fuck itself, you know. :'''Will''': Charming(!) ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies. :'''Jay''': She’d get it. :'''Neil''': Most definitely! :'''Jay''': Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one. :'''Neil''': And that one. She’d get it. :'''Jay''': Right in the bumholey. :'''Neil''': I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted. :'''Jay''': So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour. :'''Neil''': No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich. ---- ''(It is a massive and totally empty bar/club, with the exception of a lone barman wiping down glasses.)'' :'''Will''': Ah, interesting. ''(Jay peels off to the bar)'' :'''Neil''': Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing. :'''Will''': And why would she lie?! ''(They head over to the bar, Jay’s already ordering.)'' :'''Jay''': All right, mate. Four pints, four Jägermeisters and a fishbowl, please. :'''Neil''': ''(To the Barman very slowly in shouted English)'' Hello. When it good here? :'''Barman''': Sorry? :'''Neil''': Er, when here party good? :'''Barman''': ''(in English)'' In normally about an hour or two. :'''Simon''': Oh. Well, as we’ve paid, maybe we should hang on, then? :'''Barman''': But this year…never. :'''Neil''': ''(Shouted still)'' Thanking you, very much. :'''Simon''': Okay, let’s go. :'''Jay''': Fuck off! My bird’ll be down in a minute. :'''Will''': Do you mean the woman who’s clearly on commission to trick people into this empty bar? :'''Jay''': No, I mean the little hottie outside I was flirting with. :'''Will''': I’ll take that as a yes, then. :'''Jay''': I’m going nowhere till she’s sucked me off! :'''Simon''': So you’re going nowhere. :'''Will''': Jay, we’re on holiday! I meant to be out there, trying to hit girls I think are beneath me but who, for their part, won’t give me the time of day! So, let’s go! ''(They go to leave, but stop dead when they see the four girls who were on the coach coming down the stairs.)'' :'''Neil''': Ooh! Hello, hello! It’s those little lovelies from the coach! :'''Jay''': ''(indicating the larger girl)'' That one’s not so little. :'''Simon''': I think they’re looking at us. :'''Will''': And not in a weird, terrified, “leave us alone” way. Amazing! :'''Simon''': Jay, you’re drunkest. Go over and talk to them. :'''Jay''': Nah. Not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside. Why go for hamburgers when you’ve got steak at home? :'''Will''': If, like you, you have neither anywhere. It’s up to you, then, Si. :'''Simon''': Oh, shit, really? I don’t know if I’m over Carli. ''(Jay slaps Simon in the nuts)'' :'''Simon''': Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?! :'''Jay''': Yes, I can. When you stop being such a pussy about your ex. It’s time to get back on the horse now, Si. And those little ponies need feeding. Feed the pony. :'''Simon''': Yeah, okay, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there. :'''Will''': Great. :'''Jay''': You fucking sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you. :'''Simon''': Really?! :'''Will''': Annoyingly, that does sound right. :'''Jay''': Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and fuck ‘em up the arse. :'''Will''': That might be a bit much. :'''Simon''': Yeah, I dunno. :'''Neil''': Oh, fucking hell, I’ll do it. :'''Will''': What about Nicole? :'''Neil''': It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine. :'''Will''': Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here. ---- :'''Will''': Am I doing it right? Am I in time? :'''Simon''': Maybe a bit out, but not so you’d notice. Copy Neil. ---- :'''Simon''': It’s pretty devastating, cos she’s definitely the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. She’s so fascinating. She’s really funny, you know? :'''Lucy''': Oh, right. In what sort of way? :'''Simon''': Just like… You know when something’s funny and people get it? :'''Lucy''': Yes. :'''Simon''': So, in that way. And, also, in a comedy way. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Neil was a man of few words, but even for him, this was ridiculous. Not that I was faring that much better myself. ---- :'''Alison''': So, do this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe to scare the customers off? :'''Will''': No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday. What’s your excuse? :'''Alison''': Sort of similar. I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, so now I’m back. :'''Will''': Hilarious. Course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter? :'''Alison''': Waiter. :'''Will''': Brilliant. Was he called Stavros? :'''Alison''': Nicos. :'''Will''': Too good. I bet he’s different to all the boys back home! :'''Alison''': Yeah. He understands women, for one. :'''Will''': I’m sure he does. Must get enough practice. :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink, he’d now stopped paying for his own. Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll. :'''Simon''': So then Carli said we needed some space. And uni’s coming up, so maybe she’s right. :'''Lucy''': Sorry, who’s right? :'''Simon''': Carli? :'''Lucy''': Who? :'''Simon''': Carli, my ex? :'''Lucy''': You went out with a girl called Carli? You should’ve said(!) :'''Simon''': What? I did! That’s all I’ve been talking about. Oh! :'''Lucy''': Yes, I was joking! :'''Simon''': Sorry for going on about her. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me. :'''Lucy''': What?! :'''Simon''': Um, nothing. ---- :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(whooping)'' ''(Will and Simon are asleep on the sofabed, Will under a horrible looking blanket. It’s early but the sun is up and daylight fills the room through the transparent curtains.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, I was woken up by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack. ''(He wakes up and notices the door to the bedroom is closed, but on the handle, he can see Neil’s white trilby hat.)'' :'''Will''': Simon… Simon! :'''Simon''': Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. Have you got any water? :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(still whooping)'' :'''Simon''': What the fuck is that noise? :'''Will''': I think it’s Neil. :'''Simon''': Oh, no, not the dinner lady from last night! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Smooth me lover. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' I cannot understand a thing you say. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Spunk all over me bastard tits. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Oh, right. :'''Will''': Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Ooowww! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Fucking smack it! Smack it, you little prick! ''(slaps)'' Is that all you’ve got? :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Shall I bite it? :'''Will''': Interesting question. :'''Simon''': This is beyond creepy. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Bite it. Spit on it! Twist it right fucking off! :'''Will''': Okay, I’m getting out of here! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Harder! ''(As the noises continue, Will and Simon head onto the balcony)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit. :'''Neil''': What about there? :'''Will''': They’ve got towels on them, Neil. :'''Neil''': So? :'''Will''': That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those. :'''Neil''': Fuck that! ''(Jay goes to move the towels off the beds.)'' :'''Will''': No, Jay, we can’t! :'''Jay''': Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em. :'''Simon''': That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it. :'''Jay''': Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too? ''(And with that, Jay grabs the towels and chucks them into the middle of the pool.)'' :'''Will''': Jay! :'''Jay''': Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more fucked than Neil's dad’s arsehole. :'''Will''': Jay, please! :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls. == Cast == * [[Wikipedia:Simon Bird|Simon Bird]] as Will McKenzie * [[Wikipedia:James Buckley|James Buckley]] as Jay Cartwright * [[Wikipedia:Blake Harrison|Blake Harrison]] as Neil Sutherland * [[Wikipedia:Joe Thomas|Joe Thomas]] as Simon Cooper * [[Wikipedia:Emily Head|Emily Head]] as Carli D’Amato * [[Wikipedia:Laura Haddock|Laura Haddock]] as Alison * [[Wikipedia:Tamla Kari|Tamla Kari]] as Lucy * [[Wikipedia:Jessica Knappett|Jessica Knappett]] as Lisa * [[Wikipedia:Lydia Rose Bewley|Lydia Rose Bewley]] as Jane == External Links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:2010s British films]] [[Category:2010s English-language films]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] bc44t1g86gd7aswnn4210u0f75jurz9 3944265 3944259 2026-05-22T19:32:07Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 3944265 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)|The Inbetweeners Movie]]''''' is a is a 2011 British coming-of-age teen adventure comedy film based on the [[w:E4 (TV channel)|E4]] sitcom ''[[The Inbetweeners]]''. It was written by series creators [[w:Damon Beesley|Damon Beesley]] and [[w:Iain Morris|Iain Morris]] and directed by [[w:Ben Palmer|Ben Palmer]] == Dialogue == :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I’m case you were wondering, that was me with my father. And this is where I live - not with him, but with my mother. It’s a long story. Well, not that long. He snagged the work experience girl and then left us. So, just clichéd, really. Plus, it only happened two years ago, which means I don’t even get the luxury of blaming my various personality defects on their divorce. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here - the very definition of suburbia. Safe, comforting, stifling, boring - and I couldn’t wait to fucking leave. Maybe that’s unfair, as they do say that you never know what goes on behind the net curtains of suburbia. Although, in my friend Jay Cartwright’s case, you can have a pretty good guess. ---- ''(Neil is working behind the fish counter at a supermarket.)'' :'''Neil''': All right, Jay’s mum! Where’s Jay? :'''Jay’s Mum''': Oh, hello, Neil. He’s at home, updating his CV. ''(Her phone rings)'' Hello? Ohh… :'''Neil''': It’s a bit over, is that okay? :'''Customer''': Not really. ''(Neil takes a few prawns away when he sees a clock on the wall behind him click over 6pm. He drops the prawns which scatter everywhere.)'' :'''Customer''': Excuse me! My prawns? :'''Neil''': Sorry, mate, I finish at six. ''(He grabs the girl named Nicole and in full view of the customers they start snogging long and hard.)'' :'''Neil''': Cheers for that. :'''Nicole''': You don’t have to thank me every time. :'''Neil''': Oh, right. Cool. You’re so fit. ''(They start snogging hard again. The waiting customers look on disgusted. Eventually they break for air.)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was our last ever day of school, something my new stepmum had experienced only four years ago herself. So the head of Sixth was going to say a few inspirational words. And if ever there was a man for the job, it wasn’t lunatic giant Mr Gilbert. ---- :'''Will''': Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting. :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' They say your school days are the best days of your life. But the only way that would be true for me would be if I went straight from school to prison and stayed there forever until I died. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' So, that was it. We were no longer schoolboys. And to prove our independence, we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents… after we’d made them pay for it. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Dads are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, yes, but also, they’re arseholes. Which is why they make excellent cab drivers. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I was learning a lot about holidays. And not just what they did to Mrs Cooper’s front bottom. I was also learning that on a lads’ holiday, it’s compulsory to wear “hilarious” matching T-shirts. ---- :'''Check in Woman''': Malia flight? :'''Will''': Yep. :'''Check in Woman''': Delay, seven hours. And please remove those T-shirts, or we won’t allow you to board the plane. ---- ''(The boys walk down the coach. It’s not that busy, and in the middle are sat a group of nice looking girls.)'' :'''Neil''': Oi, Jay, Jay… Tidy minge, ten o’clock. Jay? Jay! Didn’t you see them girls? Why don’t you chirps ‘em? :'''Jay''': Yeah, I can’t handle that many at once, Neil. :'''Neil''': Really? What about that netball team? :'''Jay''': Yeah, that was all right, cos that was a luxury caravan. But this coach is way too small for my moves. :'''Neil''': Ah, course. :'''Will''': Right, so, the plan is get to the apartment, unpack, get some sleep then head out fresh tomorrow. First up, the Minoan Palace at Knossos. :'''Jay''': Have you come on a lads’ holiday by mistake?! We haven’t come halfway round the world to look at some boring fucking Greek ruins. :'''Neil''': Yeah, you can see that shit anywhere. :'''Jay''': Look, we get there, drop the bags off, then go straight out and get spasticated. Simples. :'''Will''': But I’ve not slept for 37 hours. :'''Simon''': So shut up and try and get some sleep on here, then. :'''Will''': Fine, good idea. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' When people now ask me if I like football, I say yes. I do like football. But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off. ---- :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burn-a-ley is wonderful! ''(The coach is stopped outside a shitty looking, half-finished five-storey concrete box, with no landscaping, just some brush. In the front, there’s a Greek Man smoking, pulling a wet dead dog out of a well. The boys look on, repulsed.) :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was a tense moment. Someone was obviously staying here. :'''Holiday Rep''': Right then, McKenzie party. This is you. ''(Burnley Lads cheer uproariously)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': Good one, fellas! Don’t worry, it’ll look nice when it’s finished. ''(Will and the three boys slowly trudge off the coach.)'' :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lads''': ''(singing)'' Oh, Burnley! :'''Burnley Lad''': ''(singing)'' Is wonderful… ''(The boys, looking unhappy, pick up their suitcases as the bus pulls away behind them.)'' :'''Neil''': This don’t look like the pictures ''(The Greek Man who has pulled the dog out the well comes over to them.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' I still don’t know how the dog died. I can only presume it threw itself in the well, rather than stay here. :'''Greek Man''': You Willy? :'''Will''': Yes. :'''Greek Man''': Your key. You have fun. But not too much fun. You shit on floor - 50 euro fine. Each time! ''(He walks off swinging the dog. As the boys walk towards the apartments, a really hard looking British bloke named Hard Steve comes out the main door.)'' :'''Hard Steve''': All right, lads! Are you stopping here? :'''Will''': Uh. Yes. We are. :'''Hard Steve''': Bad luck. I’ve just come back from Afghanistan, and conditions there are better than this shithole. I can’t wait to get back to lying in a dusty dench, being shot at by some raghead. Are you married? :'''Simon''': No. :'''Hard Steve''': Don’t get married. The wife bought this, but somehow, it’s my fucking fault. Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy. I’ll see youse later. :'''Greek Man''': Steve! You owe me 50 euros! ''(The boys look a bit shocked, then they head inside.)'' ---- ''(The boys enter their holiday apartment and wander around. It’s disgusting and has the kind of decor that it’s hard to break and cheap to replace.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' As we entered our new home, wondering if our human rights had been breached, I couldn’t help thinking a shit on the floor might have cheered the place up a bit. ''(Will opens the door which is empty apart from half a can of dog food. Will and Simon then walk into the living area, which has a sofabed in it. They pull out the sofa bed, and it has huge light brown stain on a white sheet in the middle of it.)'' :'''Jay and Neil''': Shotgun this room! :'''Simon''': Shotgun the sofa bed! :'''Will''': Well, where am I gonna sleep, then?! :'''Simon''': Not really my problem. ''(In the bathroom)'' :'''Neil''': What’s that? Is that the bath? :'''Jay''': Course it’s not the bath, you fucking idiot. There’s the bath there! That’s the…kids’ toilet. :'''Neil''': Is it? :'''Jay''': Yes! :'''Neil''': Why’s it got a plughole and a tap, then? :'''Jay''': Cos it’s for checking your kid’s shit before you flush it. :'''Neil''': Ugh, that’s grim! :'''Jay''': Yeah, I know. That’s the Continentals, innit? They’re dirty. ''(Simon and Will walk in)'' :'''Simon''': See? ''(pointing at the bathtub)'' That looks nice! :'''Will''': I’m not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon! We’ll have to share the sofa bed. :'''Jay''': ''(High-pitched)'' Ooh, ‘ello! ''(Normal voice)'' Right, well, while you two decide who gets first go on each other’s cocks, I’m getting ready and getting out there. The gash isn’t gonna fuck itself, you know. :'''Will''': Charming(!) ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Finally, smelling like an industrial accident at the Lynx factory, and looking like the world’s shittest boy band, we hit the town. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere, Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies. :'''Jay''': She’d get it. :'''Neil''': Most definitely! :'''Jay''': Oh, and that one. She’d get it! And that one! And that one. :'''Neil''': And that one. She’d get it. :'''Jay''': Right in the bumholey. :'''Neil''': I can’t believe I’ve already got a bird. Gutted. :'''Jay''': So fucking what?! All birds know - what goes on tour stays on tour. :'''Neil''': No, I couldn’t do that to Nicole. I think I love her. And I never loved anything before apart from a car or a sandwich. ---- ''(It is a massive and totally empty bar/club, with the exception of a lone barman wiping down glasses.)'' :'''Will''': Ah, interesting. ''(Jay peels off to the bar)'' :'''Neil''': Well, it must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing. :'''Will''': And why would she lie?! ''(They head over to the bar, Jay’s already ordering.)'' :'''Jay''': All right, mate. Four pints, four Jägermeisters and a fishbowl, please. :'''Neil''': ''(To the Barman very slowly in shouted English)'' Hello. When it good here? :'''Barman''': Sorry? :'''Neil''': Er, when here party good? :'''Barman''': ''(in English)'' In normally about an hour or two. :'''Simon''': Oh. Well, as we’ve paid, maybe we should hang on, then? :'''Barman''': But this year…never. :'''Neil''': ''(Shouted still)'' Thanking you, very much. :'''Simon''': Okay, let’s go. :'''Jay''': Fuck off! My bird’ll be down in a minute. :'''Will''': Do you mean the woman who’s clearly on commission to trick people into this empty bar? :'''Jay''': No, I mean the little hottie outside I was flirting with. :'''Will''': I’ll take that as a yes, then. :'''Jay''': I’m going nowhere till she’s sucked me off! :'''Simon''': So you’re going nowhere. :'''Will''': Jay, we’re on holiday! I meant to be out there, trying to hit girls I think are beneath me but who, for their part, won’t give me the time of day! So, let’s go! ''(They go to leave, but stop dead when they see the four girls who were on the coach coming down the stairs.)'' :'''Neil''': Ooh! Hello, hello! It’s those little lovelies from the coach! :'''Jay''': ''(indicating the larger girl)'' That one’s not so little. :'''Simon''': I think they’re looking at us. :'''Will''': And not in a weird, terrified, “leave us alone” way. Amazing! :'''Simon''': Jay, you’re drunkest. Go over and talk to them. :'''Jay''': Nah. Not me, mate. None of them are as fit as my one outside. Why go for hamburgers when you’ve got steak at home? :'''Will''': If, like you, you have neither anywhere. It’s up to you, then, Si. :'''Simon''': Oh, shit, really? I don’t know if I’m over Carli. ''(Jay slaps Simon in the nuts)'' :'''Simon''': Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?! :'''Jay''': Yes, I can. When you stop being such a pussy about your ex. It’s time to get back on the horse now, Si. And those little ponies need feeding. Feed the pony. :'''Simon''': Yeah, okay, I’ll introduce us, but we’ve all got to go over there. :'''Will''': Great. :'''Jay''': You fucking sad cases. You don’t just walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself! That’s creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes, then get ‘em to dance with you. :'''Simon''': Really?! :'''Will''': Annoyingly, that does sound right. :'''Jay''': Thank you! And then, after a bit, you stand up to them, pretend to slap ‘em and fuck ‘em up the arse. :'''Will''': That might be a bit much. :'''Simon''': Yeah, I dunno. :'''Neil''': Oh, fucking hell, I’ll do it. :'''Will''': What about Nicole? :'''Neil''': It’s only dancing, she likes my dancing. Stick with me, you’ll be fine. :'''Will''': Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here. ---- :'''Will''': Am I doing it right? Am I in time? :'''Simon''': Maybe a bit out, but not so you’d notice. Copy Neil. ---- :'''Simon''': It’s pretty devastating, cos she’s definitely the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. She’s so fascinating. She’s really funny, you know? :'''Lucy''': Oh, right. In what sort of way? :'''Simon''': Just like… You know when something’s funny and people get it? :'''Lucy''': Yes. :'''Simon''': So, in that way. And, also, in a comedy way. ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Neil was a man of few words, but even for him, this was ridiculous. Not that I was faring that much better myself. ---- :'''Alison''': So, do this place hire you out as some sort of avant-garde dance troupe to scare the customers off? :'''Will''': No. I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday. What’s your excuse? :'''Alison''': Sort of similar. I came out here earlier this summer and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local, so now I’m back. :'''Will''': Hilarious. Course you did. What was he, a barman or a waiter? :'''Alison''': Waiter. :'''Will''': Brilliant. Was he called Stavros? :'''Alison''': Nicos. :'''Will''': Too good. I bet he’s different to all the boys back home! :'''Alison''': Yeah. He understands women, for one. :'''Will''': I’m sure he does. Must get enough practice. :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink, he’d now stopped paying for his own. Meanwhile, Simon was on a roll. :'''Simon''': So then Carli said we needed some space. And uni’s coming up, so maybe she’s right. :'''Lucy''': Sorry, who’s right? :'''Simon''': Carli? :'''Lucy''': Who? :'''Simon''': Carli, my ex? :'''Lucy''': You went out with a girl called Carli? You should’ve said(!) :'''Simon''': What? I did! That’s all I’ve been talking about. Oh! :'''Lucy''': Yes, I was joking! :'''Simon''': Sorry for going on about her. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me. :'''Lucy''': What?! :'''Simon''': Um, nothing. ---- :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(whooping)'' ''(Will and Simon are asleep on the sofabed, Will under a horrible looking blanket. It’s early but the sun is up and daylight fills the room through the transparent curtains.)'' :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, I was woken up by what sounded like Bigfoot having an asthma attack. ''(He wakes up and notices the door to the bedroom is closed, but on the handle, he can see Neil’s white trilby hat.)'' :'''Will''': Simon… Simon! :'''Simon''': Christ, it’s like a sauna in here. Have you got any water? :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(still whooping)'' :'''Simon''': What the fuck is that noise? :'''Will''': I think it’s Neil. :'''Simon''': Oh, no, not the dinner lady from last night! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Smooth me lover. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' I cannot understand a thing you say. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Spunk all over me bastard tits. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Oh, right. :'''Will''': Well, it’s her or Johnny Vegas. :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Ooowww! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Fucking smack it! Smack it, you little prick! ''(slaps)'' Is that all you’ve got? :'''Neil''': ''(Off-screen)'' Shall I bite it? :'''Will''': Interesting question. :'''Simon''': This is beyond creepy. :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Bite it. Spit on it! Twist it right fucking off! :'''Will''': Okay, I’m getting out of here! :'''Neil’s Northern Bird''': ''(Off-screen)'' Harder! ''(As the noises continue, Will and Simon head onto the balcony)'' ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Unsurprisingly, the girls’ hotel was nicer than our hotel. There are North Korean prison camps which are nicer than our hotel. But, like a North Korean prison camp, it was overcrowded, so we had nowhere to sit. :'''Neil''': What about there? :'''Will''': They’ve got towels on them, Neil. :'''Neil''': So? :'''Will''': That means people have bagsied them. We can’t take those. :'''Neil''': Fuck that! ''(Jay goes to move the towels off the beds.)'' :'''Will''': No, Jay, we can’t! :'''Jay''': Watch me! It’s probably just a load of Kratus that got down early in the morning to reserve ‘em. :'''Simon''': That towel’s got Finding Nemo on it. :'''Jay''': Oh. What, so Nazis can’t like Disney too? ''(And with that, Jay grabs the towels and chucks them into the middle of the pool.)'' :'''Will''': Jay! :'''Jay''': Besides, I really need a lie down. My head’s more fucked than Neil's dad’s arsehole. :'''Will''': Jay, please! :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' Jay and Neil were off to, as they put it, “check out the chicas”. But I had a serious problem. In the absence of my mother, or a teacher, I needed help with my sunblock. ---- ''(At the apartment, Simon is zipping up his case)'' :'''Simon''': I’m going to sell my clothes. :'''Will''': Oh, you’re having a breakdown. :'''Simon''': She means so much to me, Will, I don’t care about anything else. If I can get enough money together, I can buy a ticket for the boat party off someone, somehow, whatever it costs. Money is all I need. :'''Will''': I agree with you on money, but who’s going to buy your clothes? No of fence, but you dress appallingly. :'''Simon''': Are you going to help or just constantly undermine me? :'''Will''': Bit of both, I’d imagine. :'''Simon''': Fine. ''(They start walking towards the door, Simon is lugging the case)'' :'''Will''': Do you think Alison likes me? ---- :'''Will''': ''(voiceover)'' It was the day of the boat party, and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket. Well, everyone except me and Simon, whose mood was now bluer than his balls. == Cast == * [[Wikipedia:Simon Bird|Simon Bird]] as Will McKenzie * [[Wikipedia:James Buckley|James Buckley]] as Jay Cartwright * [[Wikipedia:Blake Harrison|Blake Harrison]] as Neil Sutherland * [[Wikipedia:Joe Thomas|Joe Thomas]] as Simon Cooper * [[Wikipedia:Emily Head|Emily Head]] as Carli D’Amato * [[Wikipedia:Laura Haddock|Laura Haddock]] as Alison * [[Wikipedia:Tamla Kari|Tamla Kari]] as Lucy * [[Wikipedia:Jessica Knappett|Jessica Knappett]] as Lisa * [[Wikipedia:Lydia Rose Bewley|Lydia Rose Bewley]] as Jane == External Links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:2010s British films]] [[Category:2010s English-language films]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] qmrmre71thv4e8q7cetxbte7z8f0mxq 0 279469 3944291 3909950 2026-05-22T21:53:01Z GrimRob 1187925 thumbnail added 3944291 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cooked oatmeal in bowl (low angle).jpg|thumb]] '''[[w:Oatmeal|Oatmeal]]''' is a preparation of [[oat]]s that have been dehusked, steamed, and flattened, or a coarse flour of hulled oat grains (groats) that have either been milled (ground), rolled, or steel-cut ==Quotes== * The members of this board were very sage, philosophical men; and when they came to turn their attention to the {{w|workhouse}}, they found out at once, what ordinary folks would never have discovered—the poor people like it! ... So, they established the rule, that all poor people should have the alternative (for they would compel nobody, not they,) of being starved by a gradual process in the house, or by a quick one out of it. With this view, they contracted with the water-works to lay on an unlimited supply of water; and with a [[:wiktionary:corn|corn]]-[[:wiktionary:factor|factor]] to supply periodically small quantities of oatmeal; and issued three meals of thin gruel a day, with an onion twice a week, and half a roll on Sundays. ** [[Charles Dickens]], {{cite book|title=The Adventures of Oliver Twist|year=1866|location=Boston|publisher={{w|Ticknor and Fields}}|url=https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Adventures_of_Oliver_Twist.html?id=1bMXAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA11|page=11}} ({{cite book|title=1st edition|year=1838|location=London|publisher={{w|Richard Bentley (publisher)|Richard Bentley}}}}) * "[Oats:] A grain, which in England is given to horſes, but in Scotland ſupports the people." / "Yes, and where else will you see such horses and such men?" ** [[Samuel Johnson]] (1755), ''A Dictionary of the English Language etc.''; Vol.&nbsp;2, [https://pbc.gda.pl/dlibra/publication/24118/edition/19404/content p.&nbsp;229], with a response by [[Patrick Murray, 5th Lord Elibank]], as quoted in [[James Boswell]] (1858), ''The Life of Samuel Johnson etc.'', New York: Derby & Jackson; Vol.&nbsp; 3, p.&nbsp;11. == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Food and drink]] mha19mu3ob8b5if2xea05zjsj1n8yoq 3944292 3944291 2026-05-22T21:55:04Z GrimRob 1187925 /* External links */ 3944292 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cooked oatmeal in bowl (low angle).jpg|thumb]] '''[[w:Oatmeal|Oatmeal]]''' is a preparation of [[oat]]s that have been dehusked, steamed, and flattened, or a coarse flour of hulled oat grains (groats) that have either been milled (ground), rolled, or steel-cut ==Quotes== * The members of this board were very sage, philosophical men; and when they came to turn their attention to the {{w|workhouse}}, they found out at once, what ordinary folks would never have discovered—the poor people like it! ... So, they established the rule, that all poor people should have the alternative (for they would compel nobody, not they,) of being starved by a gradual process in the house, or by a quick one out of it. With this view, they contracted with the water-works to lay on an unlimited supply of water; and with a [[:wiktionary:corn|corn]]-[[:wiktionary:factor|factor]] to supply periodically small quantities of oatmeal; and issued three meals of thin gruel a day, with an onion twice a week, and half a roll on Sundays. ** [[Charles Dickens]], {{cite book|title=The Adventures of Oliver Twist|year=1866|location=Boston|publisher={{w|Ticknor and Fields}}|url=https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Adventures_of_Oliver_Twist.html?id=1bMXAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA11|page=11}} ({{cite book|title=1st edition|year=1838|location=London|publisher={{w|Richard Bentley (publisher)|Richard Bentley}}}}) * "[Oats:] A grain, which in England is given to horſes, but in Scotland ſupports the people." / "Yes, and where else will you see such horses and such men?" ** [[Samuel Johnson]] (1755), ''A Dictionary of the English Language etc.''; Vol.&nbsp;2, [https://pbc.gda.pl/dlibra/publication/24118/edition/19404/content p.&nbsp;229], with a response by [[Patrick Murray, 5th Lord Elibank]], as quoted in [[James Boswell]] (1858), ''The Life of Samuel Johnson etc.'', New York: Derby & Jackson; Vol.&nbsp; 3, p.&nbsp;11. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} [[Category:Food and drink]] l0bip7jr77u1sbh4j7d5j7q3ufx3buv 0 279512 3944168 3944167 2026-05-22T11:59:06Z ~2026-29741-45 3323469 /* */ 3944168 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Runaway Brain|Runaway Brain]]''''' is a 1995 American animated [[w:comedy horror|comedy horror]] [[w:short film|short film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Feature Animation|Walt Disney Feature Animation]]. Featuring [[Mickey Mouse]] and [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]], the short centers on Mickey attempting to earn money to pay for an anniversary gift for Minnie. He responds to an advertisement to work for Doctor Frankenollie, only to find out that he is looking for a donor to switch brains with the monster he created. Featuring animation by animator [[w:Andreas Deja|Andreas Deja]], it was first released in 1995 attached to North American theatrical showings of ''[[w:A Kid in King Arthur's Court|A Kid in King Arthur's Court]]'' and in 1996 attached to international theatrical showings of ''[[A Goofy Movie]]''. It would be the final original ''Mickey Mouse'' theatrical animated short until ''[[w:Get a Horse!|Get a Horse!]]'' in 2013. == Dialogue == :'''Dr. Frankenollie''': Dr. Frankenollie, at your service. You’re here for the job? :'''Mickey Mouse''': Yeah. I mean, no. No. :'''Dr. Frankenollie''': Don't be shy. It's not just a job. It's an adventure. :'''Mickey Mouse''': I hate adventure! :'''Dr. Frankenollie''': Perfect! You're hired. Let me introduce your coworker. I made him myself. <hr width=50%> :'''Mickey Mouse''': ''[in Julius' body]'' I don't feel like myself. I... My gosh! I'm not myself. That crazy gizmo really worked. Doc, Doc, Doc, look, look, I changed my mind: I don't want the money, I want my old body back. Wait, stop! You, monster. Me, Mickey. Mickey Mouse. You know, Mickey Mouse. Just look in my wallet. You'll see. That's old. There’s me next to girlfriend Minnie. :'''Julius''': ''[in Mickey's body]'' Minnie. :'''Mickey Mouse''': ''[in Julius' body]'' Yeah. And they likes my body and my mind. In the same place, that is. :'''Julius''': ''[in Mickey's body]'' Minnie. Minnie. Minnie! :'''Mickey Mouse''': ''[in Julius' body]'' Stop, thief! Where are you going with my body? We gotta switch back our brains! :'''Julius''': ''[in Mickey's body]'' Minnie. <hr width=50%> :'''Mickey Mouse''': Hey, Julius. Let her go. <hr width=50%> :'''Mickey Mouse''': Happy anniversary, Minnie. :'''Minnie Mouse''': ''[giggles]'' You're so romantic. :''[They kiss]'' :'''Julius''': ''[swimming]'' Minnie, Minnie! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Wayne Allwine|Wayne Allwine]] - [[Mickey Mouse]] * [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] - [[w:Minnie Mouse|Minnie Mouse]] * [[Kelsey Grammer]] - Dr. Frankenollie * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Julius * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] - [[w:Pluto (Disney)|Pluto]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Mickey Mouse & Friends}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1995 animated films]] [[Category:1995 American animated films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:American fantasy films]] [[Category:science fiction films]] [[Category:Films about mad scientists]] [[Category:Mickey Mouse films]] [[Category:Minnie Mouse films]] [[Category:Daisy Duck films]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about brain transplantation]] m9apiluj6y3pugh29qk5spcsai7hrwt 0 279711 3944173 3943863 2026-05-22T12:19:55Z DemonDrake 3100809 /* "Cherry" [1.02] */ 3944173 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 3|3]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 4|4]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 5|5]] [[The Boys (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Boys (TV series)|The Boys]]''''' is an American superhero television series developed by Eric Kripke for [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Amazon Prime Video]]. Based on the comic book of the same name by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, it follows the eponymous team of vigilantes as they combat superpowered individuals who abuse their abilities. ===''"The Name of the Game"'' [1.1]=== :'''Robin Ward''': This is like when we started dating. :'''Hughie Campbell''': I don’t think that’s–I don’t think that’s true. :'''Robin''': Dude, I had to ask ''you'' out. :'''Hughie''': Well, excuse me for waiting. Ever hear of chivalry? :'''Robin''': Listen, this is about getting what you deserve. I’m killing myself at school because I think it’s gonna be worth it for both of us… You know, if we move in together. :'''Hughie''': Wait, what? Wait… ''[stutters]'' Hey, what was that? What’d you just say? :'''Robin''': Well, I mean, we can’t keep laying pipe at your dad’s place, trying to be all quiet, staring up at that dumb Billy Joel… ''[Hughie kisses her]'' poster. :'''Hughie''': Hey, don’t you ever besmirch Billy Jo– :''[Robin suddenly disappears. Wind blows and blood splashes on Hughie’s face in slow motion. Hughie then looks to his right and sees A-Train panicking and covered in blood.]'' :'''A-Train''': ''[quickly]'' I can’t stop. I can’t stop, I can’t stop, I can’t stop, I can’t stop! I can't stop! ''[runs off]'' :'''Hughie''': ''[pause]'' Robin? :''[Hughie looks down and realizes he’s still holding Robin’s hands, but only her forearms remain]'' :'''Hughie''': Robin… Robin?! ROBIN! <hr width='50%'> :'''Lawyer''': Look, I know you're upset. But we're just trying to help. :'''Hughie''': Then say you're sorry. :'''Lawyer''': Excuse me? :'''Hughie''': I mean, you people say "Our condolences" and "My sympathies" and "Our regrets", but nobody can look me in the fucking eye and say ''"I'm sorry!"'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Starlight, the new member of The Seven, is given a tour of Vought Tower by The Deep. They enter the main conference room.] :'''Annie January/Starlight''': ''[looks at a chair at the head of the table]'' That’s his, isn’t it? :'''The Deep''': Homelander’s? Yeah… but you’ll have your own soon. ''[pulls chair out]'' Here, come on. Give it a test drive. Come on. ''[pause; Annie stares at the chair and doesn’t move]'' Oh, you–you okay? :'''Annie/Starlight''': It’s just… I used to stand in the mirror, pretending to be where I am right now. :'''The Deep''': You know something? On my first day, I, uh… Well, I–I felt like a fraud. ''[Annie looks surprised]'' Yeah. But the good news is, everybody feels that way. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Thank you. :'''The Deep''': And hey, we’re a team now. We’ll help each other out. I bet growing up, you had a poster of Homelander on your wall, huh? :'''Annie/Starlight''': No, actually I… I don’t know. Homelander’s so… He’s like Jesus or something. If you wanna know the truth, I actually had a poster of you. :'''The Deep''': What? Really? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Yeah, yeah. :'''The Deep''': Oh. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I kinda… I kinda had a schoolgirl crush on you. :'''The Deep''': Oh, my God. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Oh, God. I hope that’s not inappropriate to say. :'''The Deep''': No, no, no. It’s not inappropriate at all. It’s just–It’s kinda wild. :''[Annie looks out the window for a moment, then turns around and sees The Deep has pulled his pants down and begun masturbating]'' :'''The Deep''': What? I mean, you said you had a crush on me. I figured that, you know… :''[Annie hurriedly walks away in shock and disgust]'' :'''The Deep''': Whoa, whoa, wh-wh-whoa. Hey, look. You're gorgeous. I'm not–I'm not talking about sex, just a little bit of pole-smoking. ''[Annie continues making her way out]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a question of how bad you wanna be in The Seven. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[beat; turns around to face the Deep]'' Excuse me? :''[Annie’s powers flare up, shattering some nearby screen monitors and flickering the lights]'' :'''The Deep''': Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. Hey… Take it easy. Settle down. We’re just–We’re just talking. And look, I know that you’re powerful. I get it. Your powers are no joke. The thing is… I am number two around here. So, like, if I say so, you’d be out of here. Especially since you attacked me. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I what? :'''The Deep''': Yeah, look. ''[gestures towards the broken screens and starts walking up to Annie]'' I mean, Iowa’s sweetheart–the Defender of Des Moines–just went psycho on The Deep. I mean, that… that could put you out of the business. Yeah, I mean, home to Mommy, tail tucked between your legs. Just think of all those kids. I mean, the kids… Those kids who look up to you, they’d just be shattered. That’s not what you really want, right? ''[brief pause]'' Or, we come together as a team. You and me, we just roll with the punches for, like, three minutes maybe. It’s not a big deal. And then you know what happens? All your dreams come true. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie is working at the video store late at night and sees a man holding a nanny cam teddy bear] :'''Hughie''': You interested in a nanny cam? 'Cause we're actually running a special on that. Um, it's a pretty popular bear. There's cameras in the eyes. :'''Billy Butcher''': Tell me, how many nannies shake their babies? :'''Hughie''': Uh, I'm sorry? :'''Butcher''': Y'know, a good hard shake. ''[shakes the bear]'' Like… Like tryin' to get ketchup out of a bottle. One percent? Less? :'''Hughie''': I–I don't really know. :'''Butcher''': ''[puts the bear down]'' Funny, that. They sell a billion dollars worth of that shit worldwide. Goes to show you, doesn't it? The bollocks people will believe if you get 'em scared enough. :'''Hughie''': Cool. Cool, cool. Um, is there anything I can help you with today, or...? :'''Butcher''': I'm not gonna piss you about, Hughie. I heard what happened to Robin. :'''Hughie''': I'm–I'm sorry, who are you? :'''Butcher''': She wasn't in the street. She was one step off the fuckin' curb, and you didn't take the payoff. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. I said, who the hell are you? How do you know that? :'''Butcher''': Name's Butcher. Billy Butcher. ''[takes out an FBI badge]'' Listen, I was thinkin' that, uh, you and me should have a little bit of a chat. :''[Cut to Hughie and Butcher walking down a street in downtown Manhattan]'' :'''Hughie''': You’re a Fed? You don’t sound like a Fed. :'''Butcher''': What, I can’t immigrate? There’s a giant green slapper with her arse in the harbour that says different. :'''Hughie''': You don’t really look like one either. :'''Butcher''': No? What do I look like? :'''Hughie''': Like you’re starring in a porn version of The Matrix. :'''Butcher''': Well, it’s all right there in black and white. :'''Hughie''': Okay, uh, what exactly can I do for you? :'''Butcher''': No, you got it all wrong, Hughie. It's what ''I'' can do for ''you.'' You see, you ain't alone, son. Happens a lot more than you think. Supes lose hundreds of people each year to collateral damage. :'''Hughie''': No. C'mon, that would be all over the news. People would be screaming bloody murder. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, look, there might be the odd mention of it every now and again, like with Robin, but there's a shit sight more that happens that just gets swept right under the rug. :'''Hughie''': ...Why? :'''Butcher''': Ain't it obvious? Movie tickets, merchandising, theme parks, video games. A multi-billion dollar global industry supported by corporate lobbyists and politicians on both sides. But the main reason that you won't hear about it... is because the public don't wanna know about it. See, people love that cozy feeling that Supes give 'em. Some golden cunt swoop outta the sky and save the day, so you don't gotta do it yourself. But if you knew half the shit they get up to... Ooh. Fuckin' diabolical. But that... is where I come in. :'''Hughie''': Come in to... to do what? :'''Butcher''': Spank the bastards when they get out of line. <hr width='50%'> :''[Annie is sitting on a park bench and on the verge of tears after a phone call with her mother. Hughie is sitting a few feet away when he notices her.]'' :'''Hughie''': Um, excuse me. I’m sorry, are–are you okay? ''[Annie looks at him]'' Just seemed like a tough call. ''[pause; Annie doesn’t say anything]'' Sorry. I don’t mean to bother you. :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. No, it’s okay. Uh… I’m fine. I’m just… I’m just having a bad day. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, me too. Is it like a work thing or a life thing? :'''Annie/Starlight''': It’s a work thing. You? :'''Hughie''': Uh, life thing. :'''Annie/Starlight''': You know how you have this image of yourself? Like, I thought I was strong, you know? Like, made of steel. A fighter. And then, I was faced with this horrible situation with this asshole, and… I just heard my mom’s voice in my head: “Keep smiling. The show must go on.” And I didn’t fight. And now, I just feel sick. Partly because I did it, but mostly because… it turns out I’m not who I thought I was. ''[beat]'' Oh! Oh, I’m… sorry. I–I didn’t mean to just dump all of that onto you. :'''Hughie''': No, no, it’s totally fine that you dumped. Um, listen, do–do you like your job? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Oh, it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted. :'''Hughie''': And it’s a good job? Like, you’re not selling kids smack? :'''Annie/Starlight''': No, it’s a great job. I could help a lot of people. :'''Hughie''': Thing is, I... used to know this girl, and we used to go skating at Rockefeller, and I'd be on the side with this death grip on the rails. She would just charge headfirst into the middle of the rink. And she wasn't… good. Like, she fell… a lot, but she was never scared. And she always used to say, “Just 'cause you fall on your ass doesn't mean you have to stay there.” So you fell on your ass, you know? That's not who you are. So who are you? :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[pause; smiles and shrugs]'' I’m a fighter. I’m gonna fight. Yeah, I’m gonna take that son of a bitch’s head clean off his body. :'''Hughie''': Okay. Wow, that was… Okay. Cool. Little scary, but–but cool. ''[brief pause]'' I’m–I’m Hughie, by the way. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Annie. ''[shakes Hughie’s hand]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher and Hughie are parked outside Vought Tower to carry out their plan]'' :'''Butcher''': There's fuck-all security to worry about. In fact, they're a bunch of Muppets. ''[holds up bug]'' And the metal detector won't pick this up. Right? And what they'll probably do is take you through the security, and then up into the boardroom. Sit down. Be nice, congenial. Then, real polite-like, tell 'em you're gonna take a fake shit. Go into the bog, take the bug out. Peel back the plastic bit to reveal the sticky side. Put the plastic bit in the bog. Flush it. Then, go back into the boardroom, sit down–big smiles–plant the bug underneath the table. Easy-peasy Japanesey. Bob's your uncle. That's that. :'''Hughie''': That's that? That was–That was a lot! That–Hold on, can you just–Can you repeat it again? Just a little bit slower? Because I– :'''Butcher''': Shh, listen. :'''Hughie''': ''[deeply exhales]'' Fuck. :'''Butcher''': Hughie, calm down, alright? This is like that scene in [[w:The Matrix|The Matrix]]. Now, you could take the fuckin' red pill, right? Spend the rest of your life jackin' off, cryin' into your chai tea green latte, what the fuck. Or you could take the blue pill. Or is it the red pill? Anyway, take the other pill and quit bein' a cunt. :'''Hughie''': Which pill do you want me to take? :'''Butcher''': Just quit bein' a cunt. That's what I'm sayin'. <hr width='50%'> :'''Translucent''': So who are you? Fucking spy? For who, huh? You’re gonna fucking tell me, or I’m gonna smash your fucking scalp off! Who the fuck are you?! :''[Translucent picks up a crowbar and holds it over Butcher. Hughie sneaks up behind him and grabs a live wire from the wall]'' :'''Butcher''': I’ll tell you who you are: A fuckin’ moron. “Translucent” doesn’t even mean “invisible.” It means “semi-transparent.” ===''"Cherry"'' [1.02]=== :''[Butcher brings his associate, Frenchie, along with Hughie to an abandoned restaurant, where they imprison Translucent]'' :'''Butcher''': What d'you think, Frenchie? :'''Frenchie''': You just dropped the Moby fucking Dick of problems on my plate. That's what I think, okay? He can re-order the carbon on his skin into metamaterial. It's hard as diamonds. It's nearly impossible to penetrate. :'''Butcher''': Alright, how 'bout we suffocate him? :'''Frenchie''': Some Dominicans already tried this, way back in '07. :'''Butcher''': And what happened? :'''Frenchie''': They're all fucking dead. That's what happened. :'''Butcher''': Alright, then, fuck it. Electrocution. We'll just increase the amps. :'''Frenchie''': You already hit him with enough to drop a water buffalo, and look. Might knock him out. Doesn't seem to kill him, huh? No. We need to pierce the skin somehow. :'''Butcher''': Well, how the hell are we gonna do that? :'''Frenchie''': I don't know. :'''Hughie''': You're gonna kill him? :'''Butcher''': ''[pause; turns and stares at Hughie]'' We didn't bring him here for a fuckin' Happy Meal. :'''Hughie''': I don't–I thought we'd question him or something. I don't know, you get a–you get a hold of someone this big– :'''Butcher''': At Gitmo, we had to waterboard [[w:Khalid Sheikh Mohammed|Khalid Sheikh Mohammed]] 183 times over six months to get him to talk just once. Now, we ain't got six months. I doubt we've even got six hours. :'''Hughie''': There are so many crazy things about what you just said. But right now, you're talking about randomly killing one of the most famous men on the planet. A goddamn national treasure. I mean… people tend to notice that kinda thing. :'''Butcher''': And if we let him go, what do you think The Seven will do to us? Hmm? You can't get A-Train if you're a greasy smear on the pavement. :'''Hughie''': I'm not a murderer. :'''Butcher''': That's alright. I am. <hr width='50%'> :'''Madelyn Stillwell''': Did you hear about the mayor of Baltimore? :'''Homelander''': …Yeah. Yeah, heard his plane went down. Some sort of engine trouble. :'''Stillwell''': Yeah, it's awful. I saw him on Tuesday. I had a meeting with him right here. :'''Homelander''': Wow. Well, hug your kids, right? 'Cause you never know what might happen. :'''Stillwell''': So true. You know what's interesting? The Deep told me–and only me–that there were scorch marks on the mayor's engine. Almost as if from two small, high-intensity beams roughly the width of human eyes. :'''Homelander''': Say what you mean to say. :'''Stillwell''': Your brand is hope, baseball, America, sunshine. You don't do vengeance. :'''Homelander''': Madelyn, I heard him through the wall. He was blackmailing you. :'''Stillwell''': I am the last person you need to save. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, but I did it for you! :'''Stillwell''': I know, but did the timing occur to you? I have half the Senate Appropriations Committee coming tonight. :''[Homelander scoffs and chuckles in disbelief for a moment, then sits down]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[beat]'' How did he even know about Compound V? :'''Stillwell''': We are not going to talk about that. :'''Homelander''': Oh, come on, Madelyn. You do not need to hide things from me. I love Vought as much as you do, and I can do more. :'''Stillwell''': You can do more? You've already grossed $12.3 billion for us. :'''Homelander''': Right. So the pricks on 82 can take all the fucking credit? Empty fucking suits with Cornell degrees? Come on! I'm the one who's out there, not them! I'm the one who–who knows the audience. Who knows what's ''good'' for this company! :'''Stillwell''': I know. I hear you, I do. But what I need right now is I need you to charm the shit out of those congressmen. :'''Homelander''': ''[glares at Stillwell]'' Right. 'Cause that's all I'm good for, huh? Smile, look pretty, say my lines. Whoop, whoop, whoop. :'''Stillwell''': No, no. You just need to let me protect you. :'''Homelander''': Oh, you're gonna protect me? :'''Stillwell''': Mmm-hmm. ''[pause; touches Homelander's cheek]'' Gods are pure… and they're perfect. And they're above it all. And they need to stay that way. <hr width='50%'> :''[Annie and The Deep are standing atop a dockside warehouse while they wait for robbers to arrive]'' :'''The Deep''': Oh, wow. What a surprise. A water crime. Fuck me running. I swear to God, they only call me when there's trouble at a dock. Or a river, or a lake, canal… a jetty. ''[chuckles]'' Fucking idiots. I could be doing so much more. But no, Vought just wants me to make my big pretty dives in the water and flash my fucking biceps for Instagram. I mean, sure, four million hits a day, but still. It's fucking demeaning. ''[pause; Annie is silent]'' What's your problem? You've had that pissy look on your face all night. :''[The lights start flickering and buzzing around them]'' :'''The Deep''': Ooh, what? Is this about the other night again? ''[scoffs]'' Jesus Christ. ''[laughs]'' Cry me a fucking river, alright? I took my share of shit when I first got here, okay? Besides, you had a crush on me, remember? :'''Annie/Starlight''': That gives you no right–''zero right''–to do what you did, you pathetic asshole! :'''The Deep''': Hey, you shut your fucking mouth. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Or what? You'll sic a grouper on me? :'''The Deep''': I'll tell everyone you're a psycho. I'll go to Homelander. :'''Annie/Starlight''': No, you won't. See, I asked around. You're not number two around here. You're just the fish guy. Everyone thinks you're a joke. Me most of all. I cannot believe I fell for your crap. :'''The Deep''': You stuck-up little– :'''Annie/Starlight''': You ever touch me again… ''[her eyes light up]'' I will burn your eyes out. Understand me? <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie brings a glass of water to the room where an invisible Translucent is caged]'' :'''Hughie''': Hi. I thought you might be thirsty, so… :''[He sets the glass down on the floor and opens a grate on the cage. Translucent doesn't react.]'' :'''Hughie''': Well, if you don't want it, I can always– :'''Translucent''': No, I want it. Cheers. :''[Translucent picks up the glass and drinks from it]'' :'''Hughie''': So listen, I need to ask you some questions about A-Train. When he burst through that woman the other day–Robin Ward. I–I need to know why. Where was he going? What was he doing? :'''Translucent''': Why? What was she to you? Sister? Girlfriend? ''[pause; Hughie says nothing]'' Girlfriend. ''[sighs]'' That's what all this is about? Christ. What makes you think I know anything about it? :'''Hughie''': I know you and A-Train were tight. You guys came up together. :'''Translucent''': What are you, a fucking fan?! :'''Hughie''': Listen… Those two guys in there, they wanna kill you, okay? So you give me something, maybe I can– :'''Translucent''': What? Hold them off? 'Cause they hang on your every word. You're the big man around here. :'''Hughie''': Okay, you don't wanna talk, don't talk. I tried. Good luck. :''[As Hughie is about to leave the room, Translucent stops him]'' :'''Translucent''': Buddy, my superpower ain't invisibility. ''[pause; makes himself visible]'' You know that, right? It's reading people. Watching them when they think they're alone. I see people for who they really are. I see you too, pal. :'''Hughie''': Right. ''[kneels down to eye level with Translucent]'' 'Cause you know me so well, right? :'''Translucent''': Yeah. I know you're trying your damnedest to be tough. It's a little adorable, but the truth is… you're terrified. Shitting in your tightie-whities 'cause you're in over your head, fucked. And you know it. Hughie, I even kinda feel for you. Your girl died, and we do crazy shit when we got broken hearts. But now every instinct is screaming at you to head for the hills, and you should listen to that instinct. :'''Hughie''': Unless we kill you first. :'''Translucent''': How? I got invulnerable skin. I'm a fucking superhero, guy. We fight gangs and terrorists. We save the world daily. I've stood in front of thousands of screaming fans, all of them creaming their jeans. …Who are you? A water balloon filled with blood and meat. Homelander's gonna find me, and when he does, he's gonna burst you wide open. I'm gonna make it home in time for cocktails. 'Cause that's who you are, and that's who I am. You're not the hero of this story, and I'm not the one who's trapped. :'''Hughie''': ''[beat]'' Well, good luck. I tried. :'''Translucent''': Great chat. Run for the hills, Hughie. <hr width='50%'> :'''Anika''': Homelander. Um… Welcome to Crime Analytics. Would you like a Red Bull? :'''Homelander''': Have you found Translucent yet? :'''Anika''': Uh, no. But security's on it. :'''Homelander''': He's been missing over 24 hours. Is he in danger? :'''Anika''': Um… :'''Homelander''': Do you even know? ''[pause; Anika says nothing]'' Forget it. I'll find him myself. What's his last known position, please? :'''Anika''': Why don't I just call Ms. Stillwell. :'''Homelander''': No. No, no, no, no, no. You're talking to me. :'''Anika''': Well, I'm not sure I'm supposed to be talking to you. :'''Homelander''': What's your name? :'''Anika''': Anika, sir. :'''Homelander''': Anika. That's a beautiful name. Listen, Anika. I'm the Homelander, and I can do whatever the fuck I want, okay? ''[pushes Anika's chair in]'' Now, ''[sternly]'' Translucent's last known position. ''Please.'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Translucent''': What the...? Something doesn't feel right. :'''Butcher''': Oh, I'll bet. :'''Frenchie''': I'm not ashamed to admit I have outdone myself. ''[to Translucent]'' Now, the problem is the skin, no? It's hard like diamonds. But then I realized, it is just your shell that is hard, huh? Like a turtle. But your insides, they're like the rest of ours: Soft. So, how do you get to the squishy insides? Through the mouth? ''Non.'' The stomach acid, the gag reflex… if I stick something down your throat, you may vomit it up. There's truly only one way. :'''Translucent''': The fuck did you do to me? :'''Butcher''': He stuck a lump of plastique up your bum, son. :'''Frenchie''': Ass bomb. ===''"Get Some"'' [1.03]=== :''[Annie meets with some marketing people, along with Stillwell and Ashley]'' :'''Ashley''': This is Seth and Evan from marketing. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Hi. :'''Ashley''': They have some brilliant ideas on how to capitalize on all the buzz. Gentlemen? :'''Seth''': Okay. Now, small-town Iowa girl–unexpected child prodigy–is chosen for The Seven. :'''Evan''': Destiny knocks on the girl next door's door, and she answers, to fight for truth and justice side by side with her heroes. :'''Seth''': The Big Apple is rough, tumble. It's got worms. Muggers and rapists and thieves, oh, my! Dorothy is not in Kansas anymore! :'''Evan''': Or Iowa. Poor girl gets knocked around by something fierce. Kicked while she's down. :'''Seth''': So what does she do? Does she cry in her milk? Does she quit? :'''Evan''': No way! :'''Seth''': She adapts! She transforms! :'''Evan''': Embraces her feminine strengths! :'''Seth''': Good-bye, Yellow Brick Road! :'''Evan''': And hello, Starlight! :''[A fashion designer, Isadora, pulls back the fabric to show a new Starlight outfit, which is a skimpier version of her old one]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': I can't wear that. :'''Isadora''': What? :'''Ashley''': Why not? It's beautiful. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Seriously? It's just… It's not me. :'''Isadora''': I designed Homelander's suit. This isn't my first rodeo. :'''Seth''': You're wrong. It's totally you. It's bold, it's brave, it's feminist. :'''Annie/Starlight''': How is that feminist? :'''Evan''': It's empowering. It says you're confident in your own skin, and you're not afraid to show it. :'''Seth''': Most importantly, it tells the story. Of your transformation. Of what you're going through. :'''Annie/Starlight''': How exactly do you know what I'm going through, exactly? I'm sorry. I–I appreciate the effort. I really do, but I'm fine with my old outfit. :'''Stillwell''': We're not. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Excuse me? :'''Stillwell''': Starlight, like I said before, this is a partnership. In a partnership, there is give and there is take. :'''Annie/Starlight''': It's my body. I have the right to choose how much of it I show. :'''Stillwell''': That is true. You do. You just won't be doing it in The Seven, unless it is wrapped in that. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher recruits his old partner, Mother's Milk, to the team. M.M. and Frenchie immediately tense up when they see each other]'' :'''Frenchie''': Oh, no… :'''Mother's Milk''': Motherfucker! :''[They both approach each other with knives. Butcher gets in between them.]'' :'''Hughie''': Butcher, who is this guy?! :'''Butcher''': You'll give the game away! :'''Mother's Milk''': Not until this frog gets what's coming. :'''Frenchie''': The only thing that is coming is me on your mother's titties! :'''Mother's Milk''': Let me throw it at him, bitch! :'''Butcher''': Hey! :'''Mother's Milk''': We had an agreement about him. :'''Butcher''': We agreed to put a pin in it, alright? :'''Frenchie''': What agreement?! :'''Mother's Milk''': There was no pin! I don't trust this French whore! :'''Frenchie''': I am more American than you, you racist piece of shit! :'''Hughie''': Why are they fighting?! :'''Butcher''': Nothing! It is water under the bridge! :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[to Frenchie]'' You tell that to Mallory's grandkids. Tell ''them'' it's water under the bridge. :'''Frenchie''': That wasn't my fault. :'''Hughie''': Who is Mallory? :'''Butcher''': Alright, the both of you, knock it on the head, now! :''[The standoff is interrupted by a cell phone ringing]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': …Shit! ''[answers phone]'' Hey, Monique. How you doin', baby? Ooh, I forgot to marinade the tilapia. I am so sorry, sweetheart. ''[pause]'' Okay, how 'bout this? How about on my way home from work, I stop by DeLuca's, pick up two fat tenderloins, some portobello mushrooms, that pinot that you love so much. Yeah, baby. Okay, I–I gotta go. Alright, sweetheart. Yeah. Me, too. …Baby, I just–Uh, you're right. You're right. I love you, too. Okay. Bye. :''[Mother's Milk makes kissing noises and hangs up. Frenchie and Butcher burst out laughing]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Fuck all of ya'll, okay? :'''Butcher''': Alright, alright. ''[to M.M. and Frenchie]'' Listen, you two knobbers kiss and make up, yeah? We got a fuckin' job to do. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': Who's this guy? :'''Butcher''': The new lad, Hughie. Hughie, Mother's Milk. :'''Hughie''': That's a... nickname? :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[sarcastically]'' No, my mother actually named me "Mother's Milk". :'''Hughie''': Did–Did she? :'''Mother's Milk''': So we got a French whore and a Stephen fucking Hawking. Great job, Butcher. :'''Butcher''': Well, it was Stephen fuckin' Hawking who dusted the Supe. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': So Translucent, huh? How the fuck did you pull that off? :'''Hughie''': I don't know. Just lucky, I guess. :'''Mother's Milk''': Still… Must've been scary. :'''Hughie''': You wanna know what's really messed up? It's, uh, in some ways just right in that moment, it felt kinda good. :'''Mother's Milk''': It's written all over your face, Hughie. :'''Hughie''': What? How can you tell? :'''Mother's Milk''': 'Cause I know how this job makes me feel. :'''Hughie''': When I had that detonator in my hand, I felt like a–I felt like a rush. :'''Mother's Milk''': I get it. :'''Hughie''': Like, I felt alive. :'''Mother's Milk''': But that rush, Hughie, is no different than the shit A-Train shoots up. Everything comes with a price. :'''Hughie''': ''[beat]'' The last thing I ever said to Robin… was, "Don't you ever besmirch Billy Joel." That was the last thing that she heard before she burst into pieces. And I gotta live with that shit for the rest of my life. ''[pause]'' The price… Whatever it is, I'll pay it. <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': Let's hear it for my buddy A-Train! Am I right? :''[Homelander waves at the cheering crowd]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs; under his breath]'' Alright... You fucking cocksuckers. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie and Annie sit down together after he finds out that she's Starlight]'' :'''Hughie''': This is just so weird. I mean, the other day–Was it three days ago? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': You just seemed like… You seemed so normal, you know? And now, it's just– :'''Annie/Starlight''': Now I'm a freak. :'''Hughie''': No. No, not–No, that's not what I meant at all. I just meant–I just wasn't getting [[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé]] vibes, but… ''[Annie laughs]'' Not that you don't have that– :'''Annie/Starlight''': I'm messing with you. :'''Hughie''': Okay. :'''Annie/Starlight''': You know… it was really nice to talk to someone who didn't know who I was. Once you're behind the scenes, it's… it's different. :'''Hughie''': Like how? :'''Annie/Starlight''': I don't know if they really want you to be a hero. I think they just want you to look like one. :''[Hughie turns off his radio so Butcher doesn't eavesdrop on their conversation]'' :'''Hughie''': The other day on the bench when you were talking about how much you hated your job, you meant… you meant this job? ''[Annie nods]'' Then, um… Just quit. Just walk away. I mean, you got nothing to prove. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[beat]'' I should probably get back, you know, before they send a search party for me. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, totally. Um, listen, Annie… Starlight? What do you, uh– :'''Annie/Starlight''': Annie. :'''Hughie''': This is insane, but uh–I know you're you and everything, but if you ever just wanted to, you know, get– :'''Annie/Starlight''': Would you like my number? :'''Hughie''': ''[pause]'' Yeah. Yeah, that's–that's, uh… That's what I was asking. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Okay. :'''Hughie''': Do I call you, or do I just commit a crime? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Probably committing a crime would get me to you quicker. ===''"The Female of the Species"'' [1.04]=== :'''Butcher''': Remind me, what was our deal? :'''Popclaw''': What? :'''Butcher''': What was our fuckin' deal? :'''Popclaw''': Go to hell. I already told you, A-Train runs the Compound... :'''Butcher''': Yeah, runs the Compound V to the noodle shop up on Division. We've been up on it all week and we ain't seen fuck all. :'''Popclaw''': Well, wherever he's going, it's around there. Because every time he leaves with the V, he comes back with the sesame noodles! That's all I know! :'''Butcher''': Well, you'd better be right, love, or you and your dearly departed landlord are gonna find yourselves on Pornhub in the fatal cunnilingus section. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher meets up with the rest of the Boys after Frenchie frees the Female from her armed captors. He inspects a Compound V needle that M.M. found]'' :'''Butcher''': So A-Train's runnin' it here, and these blokes are dosin' the Asian bird with it. :'''Mother's Milk''': Yeah, back when they had eyeballs. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, but why? Is it a Vought thing or, like, a side hustle? :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shows Butcher a paper bag]'' Came gift-wrapped in this. :'''Butcher''': Find out where it came from. :'''Mother's Milk''': I'll shake a few trees. :'''Butcher''': Why the hell were they dosin' her? :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[points at Frenchie]'' Why don't we ask Foie Gras over here? He's the one that let her out. :'''Frenchie''': She looked innocent. :'''Mother's Milk''': Innocent? She's locked up in a cage underground with two armed guards? :'''Frenchie''': I had a feeling about her. :'''Mother's Milk''': Nah, Frenchie. You just didn't follow the plan. You never follow the plan, man. :'''Frenchie''': You need to unclench your asshole. :'''Mother's Milk''': You need to ''eat'' my clenched asshole. :'''Butcher''': Why are you two carryin' on like a bunch of fuckin' twats? We're sniffin' down a shit sandwich the size of [[w:Watergate scandal|Watergate]]. Vought and the Supes are both gonna be lookin' for her. All we gotta do is find the Female first. :''[Butcher notices Hughie looking at his phone]'' :'''Butcher''': Keep lookin'. ''[to Hughie]'' Who's that, then, eh? :'''Hughie''': It's nobody. :''[Butcher gestures for Hughie to hand him his phone. He scrolls through Hughie's text messages.]'' :'''Butcher''': "Annie?" Starlight? :'''Hughie''': Yeah, it's nothing. I mean, we were supposed to go on a date. Not a date. Just, she asked me if I wanted to ask her for her number, and then we just kinda platonically exchanged information, but the… the word "date" was never mentioned. :'''Butcher''': Call her back right now. You're fuckin' goin'. :'''Hughie''': As a rule, I don't usually go out after a gory massacre. :'''Butcher''': Listen, here's the job. You're gonna hot mic her phone. From now on, we hear everything she says. I mean, this is a golden opportunity. And after all you done, piece of cake. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, she's not a… She's not a bad person. :'''Butcher''': She's a Supe, Hughie. Just like the fuckin' rest of them. <hr width='50%'> :''[Trans-Oceanic Flight 37 has lost both pilots after Homelander and Queen Maeve kill the last of the hijackers]'' :'''Queen Maeve''': Can you fly a plane? :'''Homelander''': ''[shakes his head]'' Wouldn’t matter if I did. ''[points at the destroyed control board]'' :'''Queen Maeve''': What do we do?! :''[Homelander just aimlessly looks around and walks out of the cockpit]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[to the passengers]'' Alright, everyone, remain calm. Stay in your seats. Everything’s under control. ''[gives thumbs-up]'' :'''Queen Maeve''': You’ve gotta go out there. Lift the plane up. :'''Homelander''': Lift the plane? How? Th–There’s nothing to stand on; it’s fucking air. :'''Queen Maeve''': I don’t know, fly at it! Ram it straight! :'''Homelander''': You know, at that kind of speed, either the plane goes ass over tit, or I’ll punch straight through the hull or– :''[The plane dips into a nosedive. Oxygen masks to deploy, which sends everyone into a panic]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[to the passengers]'' Whoa! That was a big one! Everything’s fine, don’t worry about it! :'''Queen Maeve''': ''[pause; Homelander glares at her]'' Okay. Okay, you take everyone one by one. You fly them to the ground. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs]'' And what, come back 123 times? Maeve, think. :''[Maeve realizes to her horror that Homelander has no intention of saving the passengers]'' :'''Homelander''': We’re done here. :'''Queen Maeve''': Please! :'''Homelander''': ''[to the passengers]'' Everything’s fine, guys. Everything’s fine. You’re okay. :'''Female Passenger #1''': Wait, you’re leaving us? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no, no. I’m just seeing something down the back. :'''Female Passenger #2''': Oh, my God. You’re leaving! He’s leaving us! :'''Homelander''': I said I’m not. :''[The plane turns on its side. Everyone panics even harder.]'' :'''Little Girl''': Homelander, are you gonna save us? :'''Homelander''': Oh, sweetheart, of course I’m gonna save you! You betcha! I’m gonna save everyone here. Don’t worry about it. :''[Maeve looks around in dismay as the passengers continue freaking out]'' :'''Homelander''': Maeve! :''[Homelander heads to the back of the plane and breaks the emergency door open. Maeve sees a mother with her daughter and tries to save them.]'' :'''Queen Maeve''': Okay, you two. Take off your masks. Come on! Now! ''[to Homelander]'' Take these two! :'''Homelander''': No, no! :'''Queen Maeve''': Just these two, please! :'''Homelander''': No! What, so they can tell the world we left the rest of them to fucking die?! :'''Queen Maeve''': Come on! :'''Homelander''': No, Maeve! ''[to several passengers trying to escape]'' No, you stay back! ALL OF YOU, STAY BACK! ''[activates laser eyes]'' '''YOU STAY THE FUCK BACK OR I’LL LASER YOU, GODDAMMIT!! ''I’LL LASER EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!''''' <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': So where's the girl, Frenchie? Since you're the psycho chick whisperer all of a sudden. :'''Frenchie''': Maybe subway. Maybe she wants to find a train, no? :'''Mother's Milk''': Oh, yeah? How deep up your ass did you pull that out? :'''Frenchie''': Well, it depends. How deep does your tongue go? :'''Mother's Milk''': Listen, you lost her, man. We had orders, we're supposed to follow them. We're professionals and we count on each other, but you're on some fucking Bohemian flaky drug shit. Even Hughie–who's a fucking white [[w:Steve Urkel|Urkel]]–is more professional than you. :'''Frenchie''': I understand it's hard for someone who's anally OCD to understand. :'''Mother's Milk''': Okay, then help me understand, Frenchie. What happened the night that Mallory had you tail Lamplighter? :'''Frenchie''': Oh, that's enough! :'''Mother's Milk''': Mallory was our boss, man. We had orders. And you were supposed to follow him. You were supposed to follow Lamplighter, tail him, but you let him go! :'''Frenchie''': I didn't know. :'''Mother's Milk''': And Lamplighter goes and ''torches'' Mallory's grandkids! :'''Frenchie''': I didn't know! :'''Mother's Milk''': It doesn't matter! You didn't follow orders and it cost some lives! :''[Frenchie punches M.M. in the face, causing a brief scuffle. Butcher quickly intervenes.]'' :'''Butcher''': Hey! Hey, knock it off! Knock if off! :'''Mother's Milk''': You know what? Fuck this, Butcher. And fuck you! I'm done! :'''Butcher''': M.M., wait! :'''Mother's Milk''': You said this time would be different. ''[gestures to Frenchie]'' But this motherfucker's still here doing the same old shit! And we're all gonna fucking end up like Mallory! :'''Frenchie''': Yeah, fuck off. ''[throws his fist in the air as M.M. walks off]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Fuck this. :'''Butcher''': Oi, both of you! M.M! :'''Mother's Milk''': What? :'''Butcher''': What's [[w:Melanie C|Sporty Spice]] up to? :'''Mother's Milk''': Who?! :'''Butcher''': Sporty fuckin' Spice. What is she up to? :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause; walks back up to Butcher]'' I don't know. :'''Butcher''': Exactly. ''[to Frenchie]'' How 'bout [[w:Victoria Beckham|Posh]]? You know what she's doin'? :'''Frenchie''': I don't understand. :'''Butcher''': Makin' clothes for anorexics, alright? Not exactly a growth market. And [[w:Emma Bunton|Baby]]? You know what she's doin'? Fuck all. Not even page six of the ''Daily Mail''. And [[w:Mel B|Scary Spice]]? Up to her eyeballs in lawsuits and sex tapes. [[w:Geri Halliwell|Ginger]], on the other hand, has released three albums: ''Passion'', ''Schizophrenic'', and ''Scream If You Want To Go Faster''. They'll all make your ears bleed. You see, when they're apart, they're absolute fuckin' rubbish. But you put 'em together… They're the goddamn fuckin' [[w:Spice Girls|Spice Girls]]. :'''Mother's Milk''': How do you know so much about the Spice Girls? :'''Butcher''': Look, the point… is that we're all shite by ourselves. We need each other. We need each other, or we're fuckin' dead in the water. Now, you guys can beat the livin' fuckin' shit out of each other. I really don't care. It ain't gonna change the past. ''[takes gas canister from Frenchie]'' What d'you say we go find that dirty little bitch, gas her arse, and get the fuck outta here? :''[Frenchie and M.M. exchange confused looks with each other as Butcher walks away]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Jesus, he gives the worst pep talks. :'''Frenchie''': He really, really does. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander and Queen Maeve solemnly watch the floating plane wreckage wash up on the beach]'' :'''Reporter #1''': Once again, the horrific wreckage of Trans-Oceanic Flight 37 just beginning to wash up on shore. Every passenger onboard presumed dead. :'''Homelander''': …They didn't have to die. :''[The reporter motions for the camera crew to follow him and he approaches Queen Maeve and Homelander]'' :'''Reporter #1''': We have Homelander and Queen Maeve on the scene. ''[to Homelander]'' Do you have a comment? :'''Homelander''': I said they didn't have to die. We arrived three minutes after the plane went down. And why? Because we're not in the chain of command. If NORAD called us before they scrambled jets, then we could've saved them. One hundred and twenty-three men, women and children. ''[tearfully]'' Excuse me. :''[Homelander starts crying and takes a deep breath]'' :'''Homelander''': But if they let us into the military, then this will never happen again. That is my solemn promise to you. Right, Maeve? ''[pause; Maeve just nods]'' Talk to your congressmen. Talk to them. They'll listen to the people. And together… Together, we will make sure that this never happens to our great nation ever again! God bless you! God bless America! :''[All the reporters start applauding and cheering for Homelander]'' :'''Reporter #2''': We hear you, Homelander! :'''Homelander''': And I hear you, brother! I hear ''you!'' And the world hears you! And very, ''very'' soon, my friend, whoever did this to us WILL HEAR FROM ALL OF US! :''[Maeve shakes her head while Homelander salutes the reporters chanting his name]'' ===''"Good for the Soul"'' [1.05]=== :'''Hughie''': $15,000 for an exclusive VIP experience with Ezekiel. Seriously? There's not an easier, cheaper way for us to get to him? :'''Butcher''': We ain't gettin' to Ezekiel. You are. :'''Hughie''': I am? :'''Mother's Milk''': Whoa, wait. What? :'''Butcher''': Well, Starlight's one of the headliners, right? She'll get you in. :'''Hughie''': Whoa. Look, we've only been on, like, a date and a half, okay? I can't just ask her for a diamond club pass. :'''Butcher''': ''[takes off sunglasses]'' What's the matter? You worried your fake Supe girlfriend's gonna think you're usin' her? :'''Hughie''': Okay, then what? I just go up to Ezekiel, "Hey, man. What's up with you smuggling blue dope into Chinatown basements?" :'''Butcher''': Yeah, pretty much. Once you show him this. :''[Butcher shows Hughie a video of Ezekiel making out with two men at the Supe nightclub]'' :'''Hughie''': Jesus. ''[pause]'' This is from that club you took me to? :'''Butcher''': You remembered our first night together. I'm touched. :'''Mother's Milk''': Okay, why is this the first time I'm hearing about this plan? This kid needs to be trained up, Butcher. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Yeah, what he said. I–I don't know how to blackmail anybody. :'''Butcher''': Hughie, you've done a murder. Comparatively speakin', this'll be a piece of cake. <hr width='50%'> :'''Pastor''': I'm–I'm not really sure what you're saying, son. :'''Butcher''': I'm sayin' that if there is some geezer up there with a big white beard, he's a world heavyweight cunt. :'''Mother's Milk''': What? :'''Pastor''': I–I'm sorry, did you just call God a c-word? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. He's got a hard-on for mass murder and givin' kids cancer, and his big 'ol answer to the existential clusterfuck that is humanity is to nail his own bleedin' son to a plank. That is a cunt move. Come on, even you gotta agree with me here. :'''Mother's Milk''': Hey, hey, hey. Please… :'''Butcher''': We should lob a fuckin' nuke at him, get it over and done with. Y'know what I'm saying? :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[to the pastor]'' We're sorry, sir. We apologize. ''[to Butcher]'' My man… :'''Butcher''': Alright. Good talk. Think about it. I'm here all day, alright? :''[Butcher and Mother's Milk walk away to a less populated area]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': You mind pipin' it down just a little bit, huh? :'''Butcher''': Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to offend your inner black Baptist mum shoutin', "Praise the Lord." :'''Mother's Milk''': Fuck you. I'm Episcopalian. And there's nothing wrong with havin' a little church up in you, you know? :'''Butcher''': Said the bishop to the nun. What about you, Hughie? D'you believe in God? :'''Hughie''': I mean, I don't know. :'''Butcher''': What? Come off it. :'''Hughie''': Yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's Morgan Freeman up there or anything, but it can't all be random chaos. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander confronts Stillwell about the speech he's about to give at the Believe Expo]'' :'''Stillwell''': What are you doing here? :'''Homelander''': Skipping work now? :'''Stillwell''': I am taking Teddy to the pediatrician. :'''Homelander''': Maybe reschedule it. :'''Stillwell''': I've already rescheduled three times. What is the emergency? :'''Homelander''': My speech. :'''Stillwell''': Your speech? :'''Homelander''': Yes, my speech. It reads like corporate fucking mayonnaise. We're talking Believe here. These are my people. :'''Stillwell''': But you're not just talking to them. Every dove and Democrat in Congress is gonna be watching you on CNN. You need to appear moderate… :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Stillwell''': Humble. :'''Homelander''': No, you… There is an opportunity here. People are scared. They don't trust Washington or the coastal elite, and they hate foreigners. What they want is a little John Wayne frontier justice. And that is what I do. ''[pause]'' Don't forget… it was ''me'' that saved that Flight 37 thing. I turned that into a win. For us. :'''Stillwell''': You're really gonna talk to me about "saving" Flight 37? ''[snickers]'' :'''Homelander''': Well, why wouldn't I? :'''Stillwell''': Look, can I please just talk to you later? The speech is perfect! Trust me! :'''Homelander''': "Trust you." Okay. That's what you always say. :'''Stillwell''': ''[to Teddy]'' Come here. :''[Stillwell ignores Homelander and picks up Teddy from his car seat]'' :'''Homelander''': You're not even fucking listening to me! You're so full of shit! You say you want my input, but you don't. :'''Stillwell''': Yes, I do. :'''Homelander''': No, you don't. And you never will. :'''Stillwell''': I do! Can we ''please'' just talk later?! :'''Homelander''': Why? You gonna run off and play "strong single mom"? Please… That baby is an accessory. :'''Stillwell''': We need boundaries. <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': Excuse me, sir. May I speak with you just for a moment? :'''Ezekiel''': Sorry, son. I got a packed schedule. :'''Hughie''': Alright. I understand, sir, but it's just–I need your guidance. I need Christ's guidance. :'''Ezekiel''': What is it? :'''Hughie''': Just hold on… one second. Let me just show you something. :''[Hughie realizes his cell phone, which has the incriminating video of Ezekiel, stopped working after being water-damaged]'' :'''Ezekiel''': ''[chuckles]'' What's wrong? :'''Hughie''': Uh… You fucked me. :'''Ezekiel''': What? :'''Hughie''': Yeah, in a private Supe club. You know, the one on East 29th? Secret Lair, I think it's called? :'''Ezekiel''': Don't know it. Nope. :'''Hughie''': There were three of us oiled up, and you just wrapped your stretchy arms around me and it was–it was so fucking hot. And your dick was so perfect and long and… stretchy. And you–you played my butt like jazz. With poise and skill and… willingness to improvise. :''[Later, Hughie calls M.M. on another phone after successfully blackmailing Ezekiel]'' :'''Hughie''': Hey, so that wasn't a piece of cake. :'''Mother's Milk''': Hughie, that you? You alright? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Yeah, it's me. Sorry. I had to–had to borrow a phone. ''[to someone offscreen]'' Thanks again. ''[to M.M.]'' I got baptized. Yeah, it's a long story. Blackmailing somebody is not cake, okay? It is weird, it's scary, you wind up just saying shit. :'''Mother's Milk''': Okay, but did you get him to talk? What'd he say? :'''Hughie''': Uh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you–you know that charity of his? Samaritan's Embrace? :'''Mother's Milk''': Right. :'''Hughie''': Alright. So what they do is they take boxes full of that stuff and they ship it to hospitals all across the country. And apparently, the latest one is going to the NICU at Mercer Hospital. It's, uh–It's Midtown, I think. :'''Mother's Milk''': You are a natural, kid. You're like the fuckin' [[w:Rain Man|''Rain Man'']] of fucking people over. :'''Hughie''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' Not a compliment. <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie/Starlight''': Every single word that I say up here, I'm reading from a script. I didn't write any of these words. I don't even know if I believe in them. I mean, I believe in God. I love God so much, but… honestly, it's… it's just how goddamn certain everyone is around here. ''[pause; the audience gasps]'' I mean, tickets start at, what, 170 bucks so that these people can tell you how to get into Heaven? How do they know? How does anybody know? When the Bible was written, life expectancy was 30 years old. I mean, I'm not so sure you're supposed to take it literally. It also says that it's a sin to eat shrimp. What, if–if you're gay or if you're… Gandhi, you're going to Hell? I mean… ''[scoffs]'' And if you have sex before marriage, that's–that's not immoral. That's human. What's immoral is the guy who shoved his dick in my face. :''[The audience gasps again. Cut to The Deep and Madelyn Stillwell at Vought Tower.]'' :'''The Deep''': ''[watching from the Seven's meeting room]'' Shit. :'''Stillwell''': ''[watching from her office]'' Shit. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[looks at Hughie and her mom before continuing her speech]'' Here's the truth. Anyone who tells you they know the answers is lying. And I know, I know, I'm supposed to be this hero-idol-symbol-whatever, but... I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm just as scared and confused as the rest of you. I'm done pretending, and I'm done taking any more shit. ''[pause]'' Thank you. :''[Hughie is the only one in the audience who claps for Annie after she walks offstage]'' ===''"The Innocents"'' [1.06]=== :'''Annie/Starlight''': You fired Ashley? :'''Stillwell''': It was actually a mutual decision. She wanted to explore different career paths, and um, we wished her well. So, I would like you to take this in the constructive spirit that it is intended. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Okay. :'''Stillwell''': You are a selfish, arrogant child. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Wow. :'''Stillwell''': Back in Iowa, I bet you watched a lot of Queen Maeve's movies, right? :'''Annie/Starlight''': I did. :'''Stillwell''': She was a rebel. Didn't take anyone's shit, didn't play by the rules. That's what you wanted to be. That's what American heroes are, but it's a myth; I should know because I wrote it. The truth is dozens of people in this company spent hundreds of hours to create the thing that is you. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I never asked for that. :'''Stillwell''': Then, why don't you burn the sparkly outfit and become a cop? You wanna be a superhero. You wanna be famous… but nobody's famous alone. So why don't you cut the petulant diva shit, show a little fucking gratitude, and let us do our job? :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[beat]'' No. :'''Stillwell''': I'm sorry? :'''Annie/Starlight''': I mean, I don't mean to be ungrateful, but… No red carpets, no reality TV, and no Noxzema commercials. And I want my old uniform back. I'm gonna save people. :'''Stillwell''': Then, I think we may need to reconsider your position in The Seven. :'''Annie/Starlight''': And I think that firing an employee after she reported sexual assault on live TV might tank your stock price. :'''Stillwell''': ''[taken aback]'' Well, I hope we can count on your discretion. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Sorry, I don't do discretion anymore. If anyone asks me who did it, I'm gonna answer honestly. :'''Stillwell''': Well, it's great that you wanna tell the truth. I just don't know to whom you're referring. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Oh, I think you know. I think you've known for a long time. :'''Stillwell''': ''[pause]'' Thank you so much for coming, Starlight. I have a lot to think about. <hr width='50%'> :'''Queen Maeve''': Boy, you're really milking this thing for all it's worth. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Excuse me? :'''Queen Maeve''': This empowerment act. I mean, every time I'm on a red carpet now, they're asking me how I'm supporting Starlight. But hey, as long as you're trending, right? :'''Annie/Starlight''': I know that you might not get this, but it's not an act. I'm just trying to be honest. :'''Queen Maeve''': Okay, yeah. :'''Annie/Starlight''': When I was younger, I read your autobiography so many times that I wore it out. I had to buy a second one. I wanted to live my life exactly like yours. Because you didn't just break all the bones in your right arm stopping that school bus from falling off of a bridge… but you also went to every kid's physical therapy afterwards just to show the world that they were heroes, too. You really stood for something. But now… I'm pretty sure that was just written by the marketing guys. <hr width='50%'> :''[Frenchie is watching a nature documentary on sharks and The Asian Female/Kimiko sits next to him]'' :'''Frenchie''': ''Mon coeur.'' Would you like me to change it? :''[The Female shakes her head]'' :'''Frenchie''': You talked to me. She talked to me! :'''Mother's Milk''': That's talking? :'''Frenchie''': Well, she communicated anyway. :'''Mother's Milk''': She likes [[w:Shark Week|Shark Week]], huh? I'll call BuzzFeed. :'''Frenchie''': I wonder if she lived by the water. ''[gets off couch and walks to M.M.]'' You know, you can't fool me. ''[sits near M.M.]'' Who is she? What does she want? Why is she here? She could be the key to it all. That's what you think, huh? :'''Mother's Milk''': No, that's not what I think. :'''Frenchie''': Yes, you do. It torments you. It's okay. Listen, I got one word for you. It's a surefire way to solve this puzzle. Once and for all. :'''Mother's Milk''': Tell me. :'''Frenchie''': Mesmer. :'''Mother's Milk''': Mesmer? You want help from a Supe? He despises Vought. Hates them, hates the other Supes. And the enemy of your enemy... Frenchie, what part of "you're burned" do you not understand? :'''Frenchie''': Oh, come on. It's a quick trip. She and I will hide in the van. Let's go. In, out, boom, bing. :'''Mother's Milk''': Boom, bing? Look, I'll tell you what I can do. I can... possibly tattoo "fuck no" on your ass. :'''Frenchie''': ''[gets up and flicks a hand]'' Ah, come on. :'''Mother's Milk''': Best I can do. :'''Frenchie''': You know... I've seen you eat ice cream. :'''Mother's Milk''': Oh, my God. :'''Frenchie''': Chunky Monkey, I believe. :'''Mother's Milk''': Where is this going? :'''Frenchie''': Well, you know, you take a spoonful... a chunk of fudge, perhaps. But then I see you with the surface is uneven. So what do you do? You take another scoop, you try to even it out, which tragically creates a corresponding divot. Ultimately, there is only but one choice for you, no? To consume the entire pint. No, you don't want to. You don't want to, but you must. And I tell you why, my friend: Because you cannot bear things out of order. And she... she's out of order. :''[Mother's Milk stares disapprovingly at the Female]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Suspecting that Hughie may be falling in love with Annie, Butcher takes him to a superhuman survivors' support group to listen to people and their personal experiences with Supes]'' :'''Seth''': So I'm kind of a writer. I work in marketing. There's this one hero, who shall remain nameless, but has ice powers. :'''Butcher''': ''[snaps his fingers]'' Ice Princess. :'''Seth''': I'm… not allowed to say. Anyway, she took a liking to me. It was heady, man. Intoxicating. No one wants to fuck the writer. Needless to say, I fell for her big time. :'''Butcher''': ''[whispering to Hughie]'' What kind of knobber falls for a Supe? :'''Seth''': Anyway, we were being intimate when she climaxed and accidentally turned into ice. Just for a second, but I was, uh… still in there, at negative 346 degrees. Same temperature as liquid nitrogen. As you can imagine, um… ''[beat; looks down in shame]'' It snapped off. :''[Everyone, except Butcher and Hughie, quietly gasps]'' :'''Seth''': The crazy thing is, I still miss her. It's like… that's the cost of a mortal like me for being with a god like her. :'''Butcher''': ''[whispering to Hughie]'' If a Supe done that when she was happy, imagine what one would do if she found out you'd been lyin' to her from the get-go? :'''Lydia''': Excuse me. Do you have something you'd like to share? :'''Butcher''': No, no. Apologies. ''[to Seth]'' Please, do continue the ice capades. :'''Lydia''': We don't make jokes or judgments here. Why don't you take the talking stick and tell us your story? :'''Butcher''': Nah, I'm good. :'''Lydia''': You know, I've seen guys like you before. :'''Butcher''': Oh, I seriously doubt that. :'''Lydia''': The smirk, the jokes–It's all a defense mechanism. But you don't have to do that here. This is a safe space. :'''Butcher''': I said I'm good. Time to move on. :'''Lydia''': Go ahead, Seth. Give him the stick. :''[Seth attempts to give Butcher the talking stick, but Butcher yanks it from him and threatens him with it]'' :'''Butcher''': You back off, or I'll shove this stick where your dick used to be. ''[to the rest of the support group]'' You're a bunch of pathetic Supe-worshipin' cunts. I bet you'd thank a Supe if they shat on your mum's best china! Did it ever occur to you that they split your spine… or broke your dick just for a laugh? Where's your fuckin' rage?! Your self-respect?! Sittin' here in your little share circle. Havin' a little whinge and a moan. Fuck lettin' go! You should be out there with a fuckin' chainsaw, goin' after them! Just a bunch of scared fuckin' rabbits. :''[Butcher drops the talking stick and sees himself out]'' :'''Butcher''': ''[to Hughie as he walks out]'' Supes are the same. Every fuckin' one of 'em. :'''Hughie''': Oh, he's, um... sorry. ''[follows Butcher out]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher and Hughie are sitting on a park bench]'' :'''Hughie''': What are we doing here? :'''Butcher''': My wife, Becca, used to hum the Spice Girls. She drove me round the fuckin' bend, y'know? All day long, walkin' around the house hummin'. She was happy. Now, I don't know why she was happy with me, but… she was happy. ''[beat]'' Homelander raped her. :'''Hughie''': …Jesus. ''[pause]'' I–I'm sorry. :'''Butcher''': Not long after that, she came and sat right here. I know this 'cause she got tagged in that security camera right there. ''[points at said camera on a lamp post]'' She sat here for three hours. Didn't move a muscle. Then, she just got up and walked away. That was eight years ago… and nobody's seen her since. Either Homelander killed her or she killed herself. Same difference. ''[pause]'' You see, I know what it's like to lose someone. You and me, we're in this together. For Robin… and Becca. That is why you can't allow yourself to be distracted by another bird. Especially not a Supe. Just remember… who your friends and who your enemies are. <hr width='50%'> :'''The Deep''': Oh. Ms. Stillwell. Hey, you wanted to see me, right? :'''Stillwell''': Yeah, I'm running late. Can you walk with me? :'''The Deep''': Yeah, sure. ''[holds up infant sleeper suit]'' Hey, look, I brought a little present for your little guy. :'''Stillwell''': Ah. :'''The Deep''': Never, uh, too young to start saving the world, right? :'''Stillwell''': I'm gonna need you to make a public apology. And you're going to be taking a sabbatical from The Seven. <hr width='50%'> :''[The Boys recruit Mesmer to learn more about the Female by reading her mind. As Mesmer holds her hand, he sees a series of visions of her in a jungle with armed soldiers]'' :'''Mesmer''': There's a camp in a jungle. She's a soldier. There's a flag with a two-headed snake on it. :'''Butcher''': Two-headed snake? Like… ''[makes an "X" with his arms and fists]'' :'''Mesmer''': ''[nods]'' Yeah. :'''Butcher''': With red rays behind it? :'''Hughie''': What does that mean? :'''Mother's Milk''': It's the flag of the Shining Light Liberation Army. Frenchie… you're dating a terrorist. :''[...]'' :'''Frenchie''': There must be more to all of this. She can't be a terrorist. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, well, you just fuckin' keep her under control. :'''Mother's Milk''': Okay, so they smuggle in a top-shelf extremist recruit and pump her up with Compound V. :'''Butcher''': And then, when she's good and ready, they cut her loose to wreak havoc. :'''Frenchie''': She wouldn't. :'''Hughie''': Wait, why would Vought give Compound V to terrorists? :'''Mother's Milk''': 'Cause the only thing more dangerous than a terrorist is a Supe terrorist. And the only way to fight it… :'''Butcher''': Is with Sergeant fuckin' Homelander. Gotta let the cunts in the army now. Those fuckers are creatin' supervillains. And maybe there's more of 'em. God knows how many. :'''Hughie''': Holy shit. :'''Mother's Milk''': Okay, this is a clusterfuck. Even for us. :'''Frenchie''': No, listen to me, okay? Maybe that's what they want her to be. But that's not who she is. That's not what she wants! :'''Butcher''': And you know this 'cause she bends your fuckin' ear off? :'''Frenchie''': She saved my life! She's not bad! She just wanna go home! :'''Butcher''': She's a fuckin' Supe, just like the rest! How many times do I have to fuckin' say it, eh?! :''[Frenchie notices the Female making more drawings]'' :'''Frenchie''': ''[to the Female]'' ''Mon coeur'', I know you understand me. Tell them who you are. Tell them what I see. :''[The Female gets up, takes Mesmer's hand and kneels down with him. Mesmer closes his eyes and sees another series of visions of the Female as a child.]'' :'''Mesmer''': The drawings are palm trees in front of the moon. It's where she grew up. They killed her parents. They kidnapped her and her brother… forced them to be soldiers. She just wants to go back and get her brother out of there. Her name's Kimiko. :'''Frenchie''': Kimiko… ''Bonjour'', Kimiko. <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie/Starlight''': I don't remember, but my mom said that when I was born, I almost blinded the doctor. So I had powers from the start. Why? :'''Hughie''': No. No, I'm just curious. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Mmm. Do you mind if we just… not talk about hero stuff tonight? :'''Hughie''': Yeah, yeah. Bad day at work? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Yeah, it's an understatement. You know, there's this beach in the Bahamas where the sand is pink. Like, cotton candy pink. :'''Hughie''': What's it called? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Pink Sands. ''[Hughie laughs]'' It's not the most creative name, but… Let's just go. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. No, I can, uh… learn how to play the steel drum. You can get cornrows. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[chuckles]'' How about tonight? :'''Hughie''': ''[snaps fingers]'' Book that ticket. ''[pause]'' Are… Are we talking about this? :'''Annie/Starlight''': I don't know. I… I just know that, for me, New York has been such an endless shit show... :''[Hughie has vision of Robin staring at him from the back of the bar]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': …Except for you. Somehow, in the middle of it all… you found me. :''[Hughie kisses Annie. When they break away, he looks off to the distance and no longer sees Robin. Annie giggles and passionately kisses him back.]'' :'''Butcher''': Hughie? I thought that was you. ''[chuckles]'' Oh. Oh, I apologize. I didn't mean to interrupt. :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. Hi, I'm Annie. :'''Butcher''': Billy. ''[shakes Annie's hand]'' Old mate of Hughie's. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[to Hughie]'' Boy, you really–you have a lot of friends showing up here. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Seems like it. :''[...]'' :'''Butcher''': Well, well, well. :'''Hughie''': Butcher… :'''Butcher''': She's quite tasty up close and personal. I get what you see in her. :'''Hughie''': That wasn't what– :'''Butcher''': I thought we had an understanding. :'''Hughie''': We do. We do. It… It's not what– :'''Butcher''': Not what it looks like? 'Cause from where I'm sittin', it looks like you've got your tongue halfway down the opposition's throat. :'''Hughie''': She is ''not'' the opposition. She's a good person, okay? I mean, she could help us. :'''Butcher''': Help us? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. :'''Butcher''': And what d'you think she's gonna do when she finds out you murdered Translucent? ===''"The Self-Preservation Society"'' [1.07]=== :''[A-Train finds The Seven huddled together in the main conference room]'' :'''A-Train''': What’s going on? :'''Homelander''': I missed you guys. Just wanted to see your smiling faces. Take a seat, buddy. ''[pause; A-Train sits down next to Annie]'' And truth be known, I felt like we were overdue a little heart-to-heart. A rap session, maybe a little tough love. :'''Queen Maeve''': ''[snickers]'' What’s that supposed to mean? :'''Homelander''': It means that lately some of you have been… ''[starts walking around the room]'' a little out of sorts. Erratic. Unreliable. Downright sloppy. ''[points at Black Noir]'' Not you, Noir. You’ve been great. But the rest of you… it is fair to say that I am disappointed. Gotta keep your eye on the ball, guys. The enemies are storming the gates. I mean, ''[puts his hands on two empty chairs]'' we’re not even The Seven anymore. We’re down to five. We’re dropping like fucking flies, but at least now I know why. :''[Homelander presses a button on a remote to show security cam footage of Hughie on one of the monitor screens]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[looks shocked]'' Why…? Is this a joke? Why is Hughie up there? :'''Queen Maeve''': I don’t understand. Who is this guy? :'''Homelander''': This guy is Hugh Campbell. He and Starlight are going steady. :''[The rest of The Seven all stare at Annie]'' :'''Homelander''': He’s also one of the guys who killed Translucent. :'''Annie/Starlight''': Wait, ''what?!'' :'''Homelander''': As well as blackmailing Mesmer, Ezekiel, Popclaw, and God knows who else. :'''A-Train''': Popclaw? :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. No, no, no. That–That is insane! :'''Homelander''': Starlight… Sticks and stones won’t break my bones, but words… :'''Annie/Starlight''': No, sir. I’m sorry. I wasn’t… It’s just, he’s not–I mean, why would he do that? :'''Homelander''': Good question. A-Train, over to you. :'''A-Train''': …What? :'''Homelander''': Oh, boy. That little leg of yours is still scrambled, huh? :''[Homelander presses another button to zoom out on the image to show Hughie talking to A-Train]'' :'''Homelander''': How about now? :'''A-Train''': Oh, ''shit''. I know this guy. :'''Homelander''': You did smash through his girlfriend, so I should hope so. Robin… Something-or-other. :'''A-Train''': I–I remember now. I’ve seen him outside of Popclaw’s place. He was all in my face. ''[to Annie]'' You’re fucking this guy?! :'''Annie/Starlight''': Okay, slow down. I don’t know what’s going on, but Hughie is not capable of anything close to this. :'''Homelander''': Well, that is true, actually. That’s very true. He is just a man, and… ''[chuckles]'' by the looks of it, not much of one, but–but hear me out. What if he was helped? Hmm? Say someone… I dunno, who got him in to see Ezekiel. And got rid of The Deep? :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. Whoa, whoa… ''[gets up]'' No– :'''Homelander''': ''[activates laser eyes]'' Keep those hands down by your sides, missy. ''[pause]'' Sit down. :''[A-Train and Black Noir continue staring at Annie as she slowly sits back down. Homelander’s eyes return to normal.]'' :'''Homelander''': Now… I know that you wanna make this whole Deep thing an [[w:Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)|“all the single ladies”]] moment. Power, ''[sarcastically jabs Annie with his fist]'' right? But really what you’ve done is pulled off every criminal's wet dream. I mean, The Seven is down by two. I just can’t help noticing that it all started when you came along. Which makes me wonder, which one of us is next? Hmm? :'''A-Train''': You bitch. :'''Annie/Starlight''': I didn’t do anything. :'''Homelander''': Enough! We’re a different fucking breed! We shine with the golden light of providence, but you?! You’ve been helping these ''fucking mud people'' to go against us! :'''Annie/Starlight''': No! :'''Homelander''': ''Shut your '''fucking mouth''', young lady.'' If you were in my position… what would you do to you? :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[mouthing]'' Please. :'''Queen Maeve''': Homelander, that’s enough. :'''Homelander''': You got something to add, Maeve? :'''Queen Maeve''': She didn’t know. :'''Homelander''': Well, she stinks of adrenaline and her heart’s beating like a little rabbit. :'''Queen Maeve''': The only thing she’s guilty of is being fucking stupid. She obviously fell for this Hugh Campbell guy, he’s pumping her for information, so back off. Leave her alone. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; turns and looks at Maeve]'' Wow. Starlight, you must be something special. I can’t remember the last time Maeve gave a shit… Well, gave a shit about anyone, really. ''[exhales deeply; to Maeve]'' And if I say no? :'''Queen Maeve''': Come on. I got this. It’s you and me, remember? :'''Homelander''': ''[whispering]'' Don’t say I never do anything for you. ''[winks]'' Alright. You want her, you got her. She’s your responsibility now. I just hope you’re right about her. For both your sakes. Class dismissed! ''[claps]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': Hey, can we talk? :'''Butcher''': That's what we're doin', innit? :'''Hughie''': No, I mean– :'''Butcher''': There ain't no secrets here, son. Spit it out. :'''Mother's Milk''': Stop being an asshole. Just talk to the guy. :'''Butcher''': Hughie doesn't mind. Do you, Hughie? :'''Hughie''': ''[pause]'' Okay, fine. I don't think I can do this anymore. :'''Butcher''': Do what? :'''Hughie''': This. I mean, Vought–whatever with Kimiko–it's awful, and you gotta stop it, but I can't. :'''Butcher''': Right. You just wanna kick back, drink a few [[w:Mai Tai|Mai Tais]], and let us do all the work. Is that it? :'''Hughie''': I managed to go my whole life without seeing someone die horribly, and now I'm up to about a half dozen, so I think I'm good. :'''Butcher''': Please. You're a fuckin' killer, Hughie. Just like the rest of us. Now, why don't you stop pissin' around and tell everybody what this is really all about? Yeah? :'''Hughie''': Fine. Annie, okay? :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[sighs and facepalms]'' Fuck. :'''Hughie''': It's about Annie. :'''Butcher''': ''[claps]'' Fuckin' finally! He's been sneakin' off to give her one at Lincoln Grand! :'''Hughie''': You've been following me? :'''Butcher''': Like you gave me a choice. :'''Hughie''': She doesn't know anything, okay?! I'm not gonna tell her anything! We'll just– :'''Butcher''': Just what? Fuck off to Epcot? The Hamptons? Maybe pump out a few flyin' babies?! :'''Hughie''': No. I... I don't know! :'''Butcher''': No, you don't know! 'Cause you ain't thinkin', except with your dick. :'''Hughie''': You're wrong about her. :'''Butcher''': That bitch is fuckin' playin' you, and you're too fuckin' blind to see it! :'''Hughie''': So better to be loyal to a dead woman who doesn't know and doesn't care? How's that working out for you?! <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': You know, this shit must be pretty good… if it's worth running through a human being for. :'''A-Train''': Oh, my God, man! That was an ''accident!'' Where the fuck is the V?! :'''Hughie''': That "accident" had a name. :'''A-Train''': And what about Popclaw?! She had a name, too! Charlotte! The only good thing left in my life is ''gone'' now! What is this, man? I kill your girlfriend and you kill mine?! :'''Hughie''': I didn't kill your girlfriend. :'''A-Train''': You ''used'' her. You put her in danger, and then you threw her out like she was fucking garbage! How does this not all ''start'' with ''you'', Hughie?! The only difference between you and me is that I made a mistake! The shit you did was ''on purpose!'' So who's worse?! <hr width='50%'> :''[In a flashback, Butcher is visited by a woman from the CIA]'' :'''Butcher''': Don't want none, fuck off. :'''Grace Mallory''': I'm here about your wife. :''[Cut to Butcher watching surveillance camera footage of Becca with Homelander on a laptop]'' :'''Mallory''': I believe this was a few days after you met Homelander at that Christmas party? :''[Homelander is seen laughing and leading Becca into an empty room]'' :'''Mallory''': She was alone with him for three hours. :''[Mallory fast-forwards the footage until a disheveled and distressed Becca is shown running out of the room. Butcher covers his mouth as he realizes what Homelander did to her.]'' :'''Mallory''': Not long after that, Rebecca went missing and has remained so ever since. One way or another, Mr. Butcher, I believe Homelander was involved. :'''Butcher''': Homelander… But he's a fuckin' superhero. :'''Mallory''': You wouldn't believe what they get up to. :'''Butcher''': ''[pause]'' Who the fuck are you? :'''Mallory''': My name is Mallory. ''[shows Butcher her CIA badge]'' I'm the person who can get you payback. <hr width='50%'> :'''Queen Maeve''': You know, I had someone once. We were gonna get away, start a family. :'''Annie/Starlight''': So what happened? :'''Queen Maeve''': Well... Everyone always asks, what's our special weakness? Gamma rays? Iron daggers? Some ridiculous, stupid thing? The truth is, our weakness is the same as anyone's. It's people. The people we care about. So I say, cut them loose. For your good and for theirs. That way you're ''really'' bulletproof. <hr width='50%'> :'''Jonah Vogelbaum''': Eight years ago, Stillwell called me with quite an interesting challenge. Rebecca Butcher had come to her with a completely unprecedented medical condition. :'''Homelander''': What condition? :''[In a flashback, Becca pulls up her hospital gown and her belly starts glowing. Stillwell and Vogelbaum look at her in shock.]'' :'''Vogelbaum''': She was pregnant… with your child. :'''Homelander''': Pregnant? ''[pause; mutters in shock]'' But I–I thought I couldn't. :'''Vogelbaum''': So did I. Apparently, nature is tenacious. The fetus was developing unnaturally fast. We told her we'd deliver the baby safely at a secure location, but she had to sign an NDA. Couldn't tell anyone; not even her husband. You can imagine the size of the potential scandal. :''[In another flashback, Becca is wheeled into an operating room and goes into labor. She screams in pain as her baby rips her out from the inside, causing tremendous blood loss.]'' :'''Vogelbaum''': The birth was difficult. The baby clawed its way out of her. The blood loss, no one could have survived. She died on the table. :'''Homelander''': And–And the baby? :'''Vogelbaum''': Lived all of ten seconds. Drowned in its mother's blood. :'''Homelander''': Was it a boy? :'''Vogelbaum''': Does it matter? :'''Homelander''': Why didn't you tell me? :'''Vogelbaum''': To protect you. That's always job one at Vought, isn't it? Protect our most profitable asset? :'''Homelander''': So why are you telling me now? :'''Vogelbaum''': You don't understand. The thing about cross-breeding dogs… you get the right genes, you can get a perfect creation. But it doesn't matter how perfect they are; it's not enough. When I raise subjects without their mothers, they become violent. Aggressive. Downright hateful. You should've been raised in a home with a family who loved you. Not in a cold lab with doctors. :'''Homelander''': And yet I turned out great. :'''Vogelbaum''': When I think what it's done to you, and what you can now do to everyone else… ''[beat; sighs]'' I'm sorry. :'''Homelander''': I don't want your fucking apology. :'''Vogelbaum''': All this is my fault. :'''Homelander''': ''[in a shaky tone]'' What do you want? What? What do you want, forgiveness? Now? After you raised me like a fucking lab rat? ''[shakes his head]'' No. Too little, too late. :'''Vogelbaum''': I don't want anything from you, John. I'm just an old man thinking about his mistakes. :'''Homelander''': I'm the world's greatest superhero. :'''Vogelbaum''': You're my greatest failure. ===''"You Found Me"'' [1.08]=== :'''Annie/Starlight''': What's Compound V? :'''Donna January''': Compound V? I don't know, sweetheart. Should I? :'''Annie/Starlight''': How old was I? How old was I when you let Vought pump me full of drugs? :'''Donna''': Annie, honestly, I don't know what you're talk– :'''Annie/Starlight''': How old, when you let them turn me into a freak? :'''Donna''': You're not a freak! Never say that! :'''Annie/Starlight''': So it's true. :'''Donna''': Annie... :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[beat; looks on the verge of tears]'' Oh, my God. Oh, my God. :'''Donna''': Did–Did Vought tell you all this? :'''Annie/Starlight''': No. No, a friend told me. How much did they pay you? :'''Donna''': It wasn't about money. :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''How much?'' :'''Donna''': There was no money. They–They just paid for the medical bills, that's it. I did it because they–they promised that you'd have a chance at an extraordinary life. To be strong and successful and special. I mean, who wouldn't want that for their– :'''Annie/Starlight''': You made me think that I was chosen by God! :'''Donna''': You were! God brought Vought into our lives. He made this possible. :'''Annie/Starlight''': BULLSHIT! '''YOU''' DID! And then you controlled ''every single minute'' of it! You woke me up at 5:00 a.m. to train for those stupid pageants, and the [[w:tap dance|tap dancing]] and the [[w:tae kwon do|tae kwon do]]! I gave up every moment of my life! :'''Donna''': I gave up every moment of ''my'' life. And I was happy to do it! This was our dream! :'''Annie/Starlight''': This was ''your'' dream! I never got a chance to choose my own dreams. No wonder I don't know who the ''fuck'' I'm supposed to be! <hr width='50%'> :'''Mallory''': William. :'''Butcher''': What are you lookin' at out there? :'''Mallory''': Eastern meadowlarks. It was either bird-watching or alcoholism, so... birds. ''[lifts binoculars from her eyes]'' I thought we agreed that you were never gonna come out here. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, well, you taught me a thing or two about broken promises, didn't ya? This is Hugh Campbell. We're working with M.M. and Frenchie. I got the Boys back together. :'''Mallory''': ''[to Hughie]'' Grace Mallory. I'm the founder of your little club. ''[to Butcher]'' So, let me hear it. :'''Butcher''': I need your help. :'''Mallory''': Sorry, I can't. I'm hoping to photograph a snowy owl in the dunes. :'''Butcher''': Look... I didn't wanna come here, but I need your help. And you're gonna fuckin' help. :'''Mallory''': Why's that? :'''Butcher''': ''[gets in front of Mallory]'' Because you owe me. You fuckin' owe me, goddammit. :''[...]'' :'''Mallory''': There's simply nothing else to say. I can't help you. :'''Butcher''': Well, you're gonna have to do better than that. :'''Mallory''': Do I? Why? :'''Butcher''': 'Cause you made me a promise! :'''Mallory''': But then my grandchildren got incinerated. Tends to change one's perspective. There weren't even teeth left; Lamplighter had burnt them alive so thoroughly. Well, I think I've had enough sun for one day. Pleasure meeting you, Hugh… Butcher. :'''Butcher''': Well, what about what you've done? :'''Mallory''': What ''I've'' done? To who? :'''Butcher''': To me, goddammit. To me. You trained me up, manipulated me, aimed me at Homelander like a fuckin' howitzer! And then when it didn't suit you anymore, you just threw me away! :'''Mallory''': And not a day goes by that I don't regret it. :'''Butcher''': Day late, dollar short, love. Now, I'm gonna finish what you started… and I need your help. Please. :'''Mallory''': You can leave with something if you never come back, and you keep your goddamn promise this time. ''[pause; Butcher nods]'' Madelyn Stillwell. :'''Butcher''': Vought's VP? :'''Mallory''': Homelander's her main account. :'''Butcher''': Yeah, that ain't news. :'''Mallory''': No, but this is: They have a... what shall we say, a very special relationship. Complicated, intimate, hard to quantify. :'''Butcher''': And you know this how? :'''Mallory''': Still have a few fingers in a few pies. I don't know if Homelander has a weakness, but if he does… she'll know it. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' Goodbye, Grace. :''[Butcher begins walking away with Hughie following behind]'' :'''Mallory''': You wanna kill yourself, that's your right. I won't stop you! But, Billy… not the others! ''[to Hughie]'' Vengeance isn't a path to glory, Hugh. It's a one-way ticket to a dead end, looking at fucking birds. <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': How are we gonna get the guys back? :'''Butcher''': We're on our own. We've gotta get to Stillwell before the walls close in. :'''Hughie''': Who gives a fuck about Stillwell?! We have to go back for them! :'''Butcher''': You don't get it, Hughie. We got about a couple hours before they find us, and that's if we're lucky. We gotta hit back and hit back now. :'''Hughie''': You're abandoning them. I mean, they all... They risked their... Mother's Milk has a daughter. :'''Butcher''': They'd want us to finish the job. :'''Hughie''': Your job! ''Your'' job, not theirs! It's all about Homelander, isn't it? :'''Butcher''': And A-Train. This is your fuckin' shit, too, Hughie. I promised you payback, didn't I? :'''Hughie''': Mallory give you the same speech back in the day? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. Yeah, she did, but she broke her promise. I'm keepin' mine. :'''Hughie''': ''[laughs in disbelief]'' I'm so fucking stupid. You never cared about me… or Robin, did you? I was just useful to you. :'''Butcher''': Fuck, Hughie. Of course you're useful. I mean, that's why you're here, innit? Now, we just gotta take one more step… Yeah? Come on. :'''Hughie''': No. We have to save them. :'''Butcher''': For fuck's sakes, Hughie. We don't have time for this shit right now, okay? We get Stillwell. Now, get in the fuckin' car! :'''Hughie''': Then what? Becca comes back from the dead? Robin, too? This is never gonna stop! It's just gonna be more blood and... awfulness! :'''Butcher''': ''[gets in Hughie's face]'' That's the fuckin' game. If you don't like to play, why did you join the fuckin' team? :'''Hughie''': Mallory's right. You're just gonna drag us all down with you. Not me. Not anymore. :'''Butcher''': You're a fuckin' pathetic cunt and an insult to Robin's memory. :'''Hughie''': I think I'm doing this for her. :'''Butcher''': …Goodbye, Hughie. <hr width='50%'> :''[Queen Maeve overhears Annie vomiting in a Vought bathroom stall]'' :'''Queen Maeve''': You want me to hold your hair back? :'''Annie/Starlight''': ''[groans]'' Don't touch… ''[grunts; flushes the toilet]'' Leave me alone, I'm not in the mood. :'''Queen Maeve''': Not in the mood for what? :'''Annie/Starlight''': Your bottomless casual cruelty. So just make whatever shitty comment you're gonna make and then go. :'''Queen Maeve''': Look. ''[turns her wrist over]'' :'''Annie/Starlight''': What am I supposed to be looking at? :'''Queen Maeve''': No... my radius never healed straight. I really did break every bone in my right arm. :'''Annie/Starlight''': What? :'''Queen Maeve''': Stopping the bus from falling. You said the marketing guys made it up. It was me. 23-year-old, bright-eyed, "ass you could bounce a quarter off of"... me. I really did wanna make a difference. I really did care. I was just like you. And then, I started giving pieces of myself away and... I guess I gave away everything. ''[beat]'' So you know what? Be... Just be original. For fuck's sake. My position is already taken. Be the annoying goody two-shoes asshоlе that you are. ''[chuckles]'' One of us has to be. <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie gets himself captured and is placed in the same cell where Mother's Milk and Frenchie are imprisoned]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Did they get Butcher too? :'''Hughie''': No. :'''Frenchie''': They had you separated? When? When? :'''Hughie''': Well, um... he went after Homelander. But I-I came to save you. Yay. :'''Mother's Milk''': So, you came here. You meant to come here. Without Butcher. :'''Hughie''': Yeah. :'''Frenchie''': ''[genuinely impressed]'' ''C'est incroyable.'' ''[grabs Hughie and kisses him on both cheeks]'' Never has a man thrown his life away so... completely like you've thrown yours away today. No. No, I mean, ''you'' rescuing ''us'' is the most useless, futile gesture I can think of! :'''Hughie''': Yeah, I-I got it. :'''Frenchie''': Unbelievable! <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher holds Stillwell hostage at her home when Homelander arrives to save her. He comes downstairs holding Teddy.]'' :'''Homelander''': Billy Butcher. You don't mind if I call you Billy, right? You are pretty darn impressive. I mean, especially for, you know… one of you. See, even now, most people standing where you are would be pissing their pants terrified. But you... Sure, your heart's pounding, but you're not afraid. It's anger. That's a new one for me. :'''Stillwell''': Homelander, will you please take the baby upstairs? :'''Homelander''': All because of your lovely wife, Becca. Right? Okay, let's cut the bullshit, huh? You know that we, uh... ''[makes humping gesture]'' Bro, not my fault, okay? ''She'' came on to ''me''. It happens… :'''Stillwell''': Will you stop? :'''Homelander''': …you know, it's–it's the fame. They get crushes. There's nothing I can do about it. But what I ''will'' tell you is, she was a hell of a lay. ''[laughs]'' She came three times, eh? Three times. ''[places Teddy in his crib]'' Alright, little man, have a little lie-down. Good boy. :'''Stillwell''': I want you to take him out of here. :'''Homelander''': ''[to Stillwell]'' Yeah, I hear you. ''[sighs; to Butcher]'' But that's not really it. No, no, no, no, no. No, it's more than just that. ''[pause]'' You think I'm responsible for her death, don't you? So now you have a hostage that–that I care about, right? Someone I love. So, what's your plan... from here? What do you want? Do you want a confession, or... What's your endgame? :'''Butcher''': I'm just gonna hurt you. I mean, ''really'' fuckin' hurt you… and that'll be good enough for me. :'''Homelander''': So, you–you don't really want anything, per se? You just–You wanna blow her up in front of me, right? ''[laughing]'' Wow, fuck! Uh... ''[stammers]'' You are dark, and I kinda like it. :'''Stillwell''': ''[to Homelander]'' Will you ''please'' take Teddy upstairs? :'''Homelander''': ''[to Stillwell]'' It's okay. ''[to Butcher]'' Just answer one question for me. Just one: How do you know? How do you know? I mean, you must have some rock-solid proof, right? That it was actually me who killed your wife. You must have that, right? So what is it? Share. We're all very interested. ''[pause; Butcher says nothing]'' Now's not the time to be strong and silent. Go for it. ''[beat; Butcher remains silent]'' Are you telling me that this whole thing is–is based on fucking feelings? On a hunch? :'''Stillwell''': Will you please take him upstairs?! :'''Homelander''': A little bit–Madelyn, hold on! :'''Stillwell''': TAKE HIM UPSTAIRS! :'''Homelander''': SHUT THE FUCK UP! <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': You promised me, no more lies. ''You fucking promised me.'' You and Vogelbaum should've got your stories straight. They were ''so'' close–''so '''fucking''' close''–but there were a few little details that were different. So I went back to Vogelbaum, and I managed to squeeze the truth out of him. The real truth. ''[Stillwell starts crying]'' Yes, that's it. :'''Stillwell''': I'm so sorry. I never should have lied to you. I know now that you don't need to be protected. I'm so sorry. Will you please take Teddy back upstairs? :'''Homelander''': Did you ever really care about me? :'''Madelyn Stillwell''': You mean everything to me. :'''Homelander''': No. No, no. I mean everything to your job. You care more about that fucking baby than you do about me. :'''Stillwell''': No. I love you. I love you, I love you. I swear I love you. :'''Homelander''': But...? ''[Stillwell hesitates]'' Tell me the truth, or I walk out right now. :'''Stillwell''': ''[quietly]'' I'm scared. I'm scared of you. :'''Homelander''': What? :'''Stillwell''': I said I'm scared. :'''Homelander''': Of? :'''Stillwell''': ''Of you. I'm scared of '''you.''''' :'''Homelander''': ''[tenderly]'' Thank you. Thank you for finally being honest. :''[Homelander kisses her, then kills her by shooting lasers through her eyes]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher wakes up in front of a house in an unknown suburb and sees Homelander standing over him]'' :'''Homelander''': Wakey-wakey. Hey, buddy. You were out for quite a while. You can thank me for saving you sometime later. But for now, time to get up. Come on, you're gonna love this. Come on. :''[Someone opens the front door and a boy comes running out]'' :'''Ryan''': Mom! :'''Homelander''': Wow, look at this handsome devil. Hey, pal. You know who I am? :'''Ryan''': Homelander. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, that's right, but… you know who else? :'''Ryan''': No. :''[The other person is revealed to be Becca, which means the boy is her child with Homelander. She and Butcher look absolutely shocked to see each other.]'' :'''Butcher''': Becca? :'''Homelander''': Huh. Mommy didn't tell you. Well... I'm your father. And we are a family. :''[The boy's eyes widen in surprise and start glowing just like Homelander's]'' ==External links== {{The Boys}} [[Category:The Boys (TV series) seasons]] t3hhfsj2bf6w3tdrrx2414y4n0tskkt 0 280309 3944214 3944030 2026-05-22T15:17:40Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 /* Arthur's Big Hit [4.1b] */ 3944214 wikitext text/x-wiki ===''D.W.'s Library Card'' [4.1a]=== Random ===''Arthur's Big Hit'' [4.1b]=== :''Francine steps into a boxing ring inside a large stadium, with many of the recurring people, and even Bionic Bunny in the audience. A microphone comes down.'' :'''Francine''': Presenting the main event! The champion, Arthur Timothy Read! :'''Arthur''': ''[walks to the ring while people cheer and throw flowers and climbs into the ring]'' I've been waiting for this fight for years. And there's no way that I could lose. :'''Francine''': And the challenger, Dora Winifred Read! :''[D.W. rides down a ramp on her bicycle and does a somersault into the ring. She is wearing a bicycle helmet and has a unicorn on the back of her robe. Buster takes off Arthur’s robe. D.W. takes off hers and reveals a shirt with a picture of Arthur’s head with Xs for eyes. Buster puts Arthur’s gloves on. Nadine waves her wand and gloves appear on D.W.’s hands. Both Arthur and D.W. get mouthguards. Francine waves both to the center of the ring.]'' :'''Arthur''': ''[mumbling through his mouthguard, and incoherent]'' Prepare to lose! :''[Subtitle: Prepare to lose!]'' :'''Girl and D.W. #1''': What? :'''Arthur''': ''[still mumbling through his mouthguard, and incoherent]'' PREPARE TO LOSE! :''[Subtitle: PREPARE TO LOSE!]'' :'''Girl and D.W. #1''': ''[pointing to the subtitles]'' This doesn't help. I can't breathe. :'''Francine''': Get ready to fight! :''[The two boxers circle each other]'' :'''D.W. #2''': Arthur! :'''Arthur''': ''[sees D.W. #2 sitting in the audience eating snacks, and still mumbling through his mouthguard, and incoherent again]'' Two D.W.’s?! :''[Subtitle: Two D.W.'s?!]'' :'''D.W. #2''': Nope, not just two D.W.s. But there was only one of me. :''In the ring, the other boxer takes off a D.W. mask, revealing himself to be Binky. Arthur’s mouthguard drops out of his mouth.'' :'''Binky''': ''[stepping out of his D.W. body suit]'' We figured you'd rather fight someone on your own size. :'''Arthur''': Well, you know what? Maybe you might be right. And I would like to fight someone on my own size. Now you just stay right here. I'll just go find somebody to fight. ''[runs off, pursued by Binky, screams]'' :'''Binky''': ''[enraged]'' Come back here and fight! :'''D.W. #1''': ''[laughs]'' Binky?! <hr width="50"/> :''Arthur sits at his desk with a model kit'' :'''D.W.''': ''[walks into his room]'' What kind of a game was this? :'''Arthur''': This is not a game. This is a scale model of a Bell X-1 Rocket Plane. The plane that broke the sound barrier. :'''D.W.''': The sound barrier must be pretty hard. ''[takes out some pieces]'' Because this plane is all smashed up. :'''Arthur''': Nope, it's not smashed. And I'm gonna build it. ''[yells to D.W. while snatching the pieces from her]'' Hey, stop touching everything! You'll mix up all the pieces! :'''D.W.''': I’ve never heard of toys that come already broken. :'''Arthur''': ''[while lividly, and relentlessly staring to D.W.]'' No, it's not! :'''D.W.''': ''[backs up from her brother]'' I'm going. Never say that I didn't go when you need me to go, because I'm going. Like this. ''[snaps her fingers]'' And the minute that you need me to go, I'm on my way out of there. No waiting. :'''Arthur''': ''[turns red, and yells]'' Just go already! :'''D.W.''': And if you say please, I go even faster. Because when... :'''Arthur''': ''[growls to D.W.]'' Grrr! ''[scornfully sends D.W. out of his room]'' <hr width="50"/> :''The next day, Arthur paints the model in the dining room. D.W. suddenly appears beside him'' :'''Arthur''': Ugh. :'''D.W.''': Was this the same broken plane you were fixing yesterday? :'''Arthur''': ''[yells to D.W.]'' Don't do that! I need to concentrate! :'''D.W.''': This is a pretty color. ''[accidentally spills a paint bottle of orange paint over the building instructions which annoys Arthur]'' :'''Arthur''': ''[yells]'' Aargh! :'''D.W.''': ''[getting a little nervous, and laughs]'' Bye. ''[quickly runs off]'' :'''Arthur''': Hmph. <hr width="50"/> :''Later, Arthur and Buster walk upstairs'' :'''Arthur''': I've been working on the plane all week. And it was so hard, but I'm almost done. ''[They enter Arthur’s room and find D.W. holding the plane’s fuselage, and Arthur gets grumpy, and yells to her]'' D.W., don't touch it! This paint isn't dry yet! ''[snatches the plane away and sees fingerprints all over it. D.W.’s fingers are colored orange]'' :'''D.W.''': Ew! ''[runs off to tell her mom]'' Mom, Arthur's plane made my hands orange! :'''Buster''': I never thought about it before, but being an only child was so nice. <hr width="50"/> :''Later, Arthur puts the finished model on a stool in his room'' :'''Arthur''': This is the best thing I have ever made. :''In his imagination, Arthur sits on a table on a stage. Beside him sits an astronaut.'' :'''Astronaut''': Arthur Read. You've won a blue ribbon. ''[puts the ribbon on the model]'' :''Arthur flies the Bell X-1.'' :''The fantasy ends'' :'''Arthur''': Well, this calls for a celebration snack! ''[walks downstairs with Pal]'' :'''D.W.''': ''[comes out of her room]'' Didn't I hear you say cookies? ''[sees the plane in Arthur’s bedroom, and unwisely walks inside, then enters into it, and consciously defies]'' :'''Arthur''': ''[gives a dog treat to Pal]'' Good boy. :'''D.W.''': ''[runs around holding the plane]'' D.W. Read to headquarters! Sound barrier broken! What's my next mission, General? ''[sees the open window]'' :'''Arthur''': ''[pretends to be an airplane, makes airplane noises]'' Arthur Read, winner of 5000 blue ribbons, requesting landing coordinates! ''[makes airplane noises]'' :''Outside the window, the model plane falls to the ground, and accidentally got a little broken'' :'''D.W.''': ''[comes down]'' Arthur, maybe you made the plane all wrong. It doesn't fly at all. :'''Arthur''': No, D.W. I just made it exactly... ''[realizes what D.W. had said, in shocked]'' What?! :''The screen shattered like glass'' <hr width="50"/> :''Outside the house, the sky has become gray'' :'''Arthur''': ''[looks up at the open window, gasps, then down at his plane on the ground, and picks up the fuselage, when some of it got accidentally loose, and looks shocked, and trembled]'' Huh? :''In his imagination, he flies the plane, but it suddenly falls to pieces. He hovers in midair for one second, then he falls, followed by his helmet and, finally, his glasses.'' :'''Arthur''': ''[screaming]'' :''The fantasy ends'' :'''D.W.''': If it could broke the sound barrier, falling out of the window shouldn't be able to shatter like this. :'''Arthur''': ''[getting annoyed, wasted, and stern, losing his mind, and chides, and withstands D.W.]'' I told you not to touch it. :'''D.W.''': You've built it all wrong! Don't you ever read the instructions, and the directions?! ''[Having enough of D.W., Arthur grinds his teeth, and firmly makes a fist]'' It just didn't fly for a second! It wasn't my fault when you've made the plane that couldn't fly! :'''Arthur''': ''[getting infuriated, and furious, and yells to D.W.]'' I'M TELLING YOU... NOT TO TOUCH IT! ''[elevated his fist, and punches D.W.]'' ''[off-screen]'' :'''D.W.''': ''[falls down to the ground, and looks blank for a minute, then gets up, and quickly walks off, and goes inside the house, crying]'' :''Arthur bends to pick up the plane when he hears his mom'' :'''Mrs. Read''': ''[sternly calling to Arthur to come inside the house]'' ''[off-screen]'' Arthur Read, come in here. :'''Arthur''': ''[getting a little screwed, tense, and apprehensive]'' Uh-oh! Middle name. ''[gets up]'' <hr width="50"/> :''In the kitchen, D.W. sits beside the kitchen sink'' :'''D.W.''': ''[quietly whimpers, and cries on the kitchen counter]'' :''Her dad gets an ice pack from the refrigerator'' :'''D.W.''': ''[whimpers]'' Weren't they gonna have to ''amputake'' my arm? :'''Mr. Read''': No, hon. It's ''amputate'', but not ''amputake''. :'''D.W.''': ''[shouts]'' They were gonna amputate?! :'''Mr. Read''': Nope. I am in charge, and I'm putting ice on it. :'''D.W.''': ''[loudly roaring, shrieking, and crying in pain]'' OW!!! :'''Mr. Read''': What's the matter? :'''D.W.''': ''[restlessly crying in pain]'' That was cold! :''Arthur and his mother stand in the hallway'' :'''Mrs. Read''': ''[telling Arthur to apologize to D.W. for being hostile]'' Apologize to your sister. :'''Arthur''': ''[withholding to apologize to D.W.]'' No! But she can apologize to me! Because I've been working all week on this! And I tell her a million times not to touch it! :''Mr. Read carries D.W. while passing them'' :'''D.W.''': ''[bitterly dispirited]'' You were bad! :''A while later, Arthur sits on a chair in the living room facing his parents'' :'''Mr. Read''': ''[gently, and mildly rebukes, and chides Arthur for mistreating D.W., and his deeds]'' Oh, Arthur. This means no TV for a week. :'''Arthur''': ''[dismayed]'' What?! But that was so unfair! ''[turns away]'' You didn't even care about what she did to me! :'''Mrs. Read''': We will deal with what she did. But what you did was wrong too. :'''Arthur''': ''[misunderstood when overreacted by being harsh to D.W., and gets irritated, and huffs]'' Humph. <hr width="50"/> :''The next morning, Arthur and Buster arrive at school'' :'''Arthur''': ''[gently provoking about his discipline]'' So I've just missed Bionic Bunny from last night, and now I can't watch TV for a whole week. Can you believe that? :'''Buster''': ''[withholds to listen to Arthur's story]'' Well, nope. I didn't believe it. But you hit your sister? That was horrible. :''They pass Binky, with Rattles, and the Tough Customers'' :'''Arthur''': Come on. It's like you never did hit anyone. :'''Buster''': Nah. :'''Binky''': ''[overhears Arthur, and Buster's conversation, and gasps, then thinking that Arthus hitted his sister]'' Didn't you hear that? Arthur hit his sister! And I, for one, am shocked! :'''Dog Boy''': ''[asks how Binky had been shocked, giving his difficult report]'' But how come you'd be shocked about somebody hitting somebody? :'''Binky''': Why? :'''Molly''': You were Binky Barnes, and you've always... ''[realizing]'' You know what, I just couldn't remember the last time that you did hit anyone :'''Binky''': Uh... w-what do you mean? ''[The Tough Customers, and Rattles disappointedly stare to him in annoyance, before they heard the school bell ring]'' Hmm? Oh! There's the bell! Ha! We don't wanna be late! ''[The Tough Customers, and Rattles quickly walked inside with him]'' <hr width="50"/> :''The Tough Customers cornered Binky at his locker'' :'''Molly''': So, when was it, Bink? :'''Dog Boy''': Binky doesn't have to remind us for his past glorious fights. :'''Binky''': Yeah, that's right. :'''Dog Boy''': And this is why that he's not afraid of no one is a well-established factoid. :'''Binky''': Yeah, that's right. :'''Dog Boy''': And he can prove it easily by socking the very next kid who turns around this corner! :'''Binky''': Yeah, that's right. ''[shocked]'' Wait, what?! :''Arthur comes around the corner'' :'''Molly''': Go ahead, Binky. Just sock him. :''Arthur passes by'' :'''Binky''': ''[tirelessly]'' Well, maybe I didn't feel like it. :'''Molly''': ''[severely]'' WELL, YOU BETTER FEEL LIKE IT OR YOU'LL MOVE OUT OF THE CLUB IN NO TIME! :''[So Binky says he does "not feel like it" on hitting Arthur. But true to what Molly says to Binky, she --about him hitting Arthur-- says that he --Binky-- ''better feel like it'' or he moves out of the club as soon as possible.]'' :'''Binky''': ''[fuming, and protests]'' But I can't be out of the club! That was my club! And I founded it! :'''Molly''': Well, if you needed anything on your own way, you shouldn't have let anyone else join! But the next time when you see that kid, you'll sock him! :''The other Tough Customers left Binky behind'' :'''Binky''': ''[getting concerned]'' The next time when I see Arthur, I'll just have to hit him. Oh. But what should I do now? ''[gets an idea]'' Wait. What if I never see him? <hr width="50"/> :''Arthur sits in the classroom with Buster, Francine and Muffy.'' :'''Francine''': Arthur, why didn't you just apologize? :'''Arthur''': ''[still annoyed, and objects]'' Come on. She just collapsed my plane. But why couldn't anyone see my side of this? :'''Muffy''': ''[replies]'' Um... because you're wrong. :''Binky walks into room while keeping his back turned to Arthur,s and avoids looking in his direction'' :'''Francine''': ''[turns to Binky at the next table]'' Oh. Hey, Binky. Didn't you hear that Arthur hit his young sister? :'''Binky''': Well, I haven't seen Arthur yet. But as far as I know, Arthur isn't even here. :'''Francine''': Binky was a little upset about what Arthur did that he won't even look at him. :''Class has started'' :'''Mr. Ratburn''': When the day and night are of equal length, it was called the equinox. :''The school bell rings and Binky quickly walks out of class immediately, and then met the Tough Customers again'' :'''Molly''': Did you sock that kid yet? :'''Binky''': I haven't seen him yet. ''[snickers]'' I'm so smart. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50"/> :'''Binky''': ''[waits outside the school cafeteria]'' Psst. Hey, is Arthur in here? :'''Francine''': Well, yes. :'''Binky''': Well, maybe I'll just eat outside then. ''[walks outside]'' :'''Francine''': Binky won't even get to eat near Arthur. :'''Buster''': Well, that was awful. Maybe, we should bring them together. Then Arthur will thank us. :''Shortly afterwards, Binky is having lunch on the lawn behind the school'' :'''Buster''': ''[drags Arthur out of the door]'' Binky was out here somewhere. :'''Binky''': Er.. oof! ''[jumps into a bush, when a soccer ball flies into the bush]'' :'''Sue Ellen''': I'll get it! ''[Binky hands it out]'' Thanks. ''[stops and comes back]'' Binky, what are you doing? :'''Binky''': Avoiding Arthur. And if I didn't see him, I didn't have to hit him. :'''Sue Ellen''': Oh. Well, why would you need to hit Arthur? :'''Binky''': I didn't. And this is why I didn't need to see him. :'''Sue Ellen''': Hmm... Boys. ''[walks away]'' <hr width="50"/> :'''Binky''': ''[paces outside the boys’ room, Brain comes out]'' Was Arthur in here? :'''Brain''': ''[shakes his head]'' Well, nope. :'''Binky''': ''[walks in, very relieved]'' Oh... Uh, thanks, thanks, thanks so much! :''After recess, the kids come inside'' :'''Arthur''': ''[talks to Fern]'' She just shattered my plane! :'''Fern''': But she was just a little girl. :'''Arthur''': Saying that D.W. was just a little girl was like saying a tornado, just like a little wind. :''Binky is hiding behind an ornamental plant'' :'''Buster''': ''[stands beside him]'' Hey, Arthur! Over here! :'''Binky''': Shh! ''[grabs Buster and pulls him behind the plant. Buster stands beside him]'' :'''Arthur''': I thought somebody had called my name. <hr width="50"/> :''The school bell rings and the kids leave the building'' :'''Binky''': ''[holds an open book around his head]'' I made it through one whole day. Now only... the rest of my life to go. :''Binky, Molly, Rattles and the Dog Boy walk past the Sugar Bowl'' :'''Binky''': So I never saw that glasses kid again. I probably never will. :'''Arthur''': ''[runs after them. Binky looked very surprised to Arthur running towards him, Rattles, and the Tough Customers, implying that Binky's scheme of avoiding Arthur backfired]'' Hey, Binky! You dropped your pen when you walk out of school, kind of sideways, at the end of the day. :'''Molly''': ''[whispering]'' Now, here's the chance you have been waiting for. :'''Dog Boy''': ''[whispering]'' Show her, Binky. Just tap, and pop him one. :''[Binky looks around at the Tough Customers who grin expectantly, and gulps, then sinisterly looks at Arthur, who holds the pen, and "pops him one" by hits him on his arm]'' :'''Arthur''': ''[falls down]'' Ouch! :'''Molly''': All right, you're right. He will hit anyone. :'''Dog Boy''': OK, Binky. You're still in your club. Binky? Where are you going?! Wait! Binky! :''Binky rushes, and runs off in discomfort, when the Tough Customers rushed after him'' :'''Arthur''': ''[holds his arm in pain]'' Ouch! :'''Molly''': All right, maybe you're right. He's gonna hit anyone. <hr width="50"/> :''After Arthur gets a taste of his own medicine, the scene pans to the kitchen. That is, where Arthur is getting his injury treated.'' :''Later that evening, Arthur sits beside the kitchen sink, and his father hands him and ice pack. :'''Arthur''': ''[holds the ice pack on his arm]'' And the next thing I knew, I was on the ground. It hurt, and it was so embarrassing, and... :''D.W. and her mother come in.'' :'''Mr. Read''': Well, maybe this is how D.W. felt when you punched her. :''As a result, the incident makes Arthur understand how D.W must have felt.'' :'''Arthur''': Well, yeah, maybe. But what's it got to do with this? Binky Barnes was very huge! :''Mrs. Read carries D.W. to the kitchen, and his parents just stared, and looked to them'' :'''Arthur''': ''[calmly]'' Yeah, I guess I kind of get it now. :'''D.W.''': ''[smiles]'' :'''Arthur''': ''[walks into the dining room where D.W. is waiting]'' I'm sorry for hitting you. :'''D.W.''': And I'm sorry for shattering your plane. But what kind of a weak plane doesn't fly? :'''Arthur''': A model plane? :'''D.W.''': Well, I didn't even know yet. But I'm just a little child. Just give me a break. :''The next day, at the park, Binky sits on a swing looking worried. Arthur rides by on his bike'' :'''Binky''': Hey, Arthur. I feel really rotten earlier. I just wanted to apologize. :'''Arthur''': I just wanna say thank you. :'''Binky''': ''[gets up]'' Huh... what? :'''Arthur''': Well, everyone had told me that I was wrong and I didn't get it. ''[feels his balls]'' But... you made me understand how bad I made D.W. feel. :'''Binky''': Well, you're very welcome. But I didn't try to help you learn some boring lessons. But it was just an accident though. :''The other Tough Customers come'' :'''Dog Boy''': ''[points to Arthur]'' Hey, it's the kid who got hit by Binky, and now lived with him. :'''Molly''': Now you've deserved to be in his club, kid. :'''Binky''': ''[walks to Tough Customers]'' Actually, there was no club. But I founded it earlier, and now I'm de-founding it. Because any club that makes you wanna do something you don't wanna do was so dumb. So, anyone else wanna make something of it? :'''Dog Boy''': Um... nope. :'''Binky''': Come on, Arthur. Let's just go get a soda. :'''Molly''': Oh, man. Now he's got no club at all. Hmm. :'''Binky''': ''[walks up to them]'' Do you guys wanna come with us? How about if we just form a new club with no dumb hitting, and all this stuff? And because if anyone does break the rules, I will clobber them. ===''Hide and Snake'' [4.2a]=== ===''Muffy's New Best Friend'' [4.2b]=== ===''Buster's Breathless'' [4.3a]=== ===''The Fright Stuff'' [4.3b]=== ===''The Contest'' [4.4a]=== :'''Muffy''': We could write about things that really happened to us. :'''Francine''': There's only one problem. Nothing's ever happened to us. They start walking home. :'''Arthur''': Are you kidding? What about when we first had Mr. Ratburn? We thought he was a monster. :'''Buster''': Right. Or when I moved away. :'''Francine''': I guess you could do something about when I taught Arthur to play baseball. ===''Prove It'' [4.4b]=== ===''The Blizzard'' [4.5a]=== :'''Mr. Ratburn''': ''[enters the classroom]'' Sorry, I'm late. Let's jump right into work. :''[Just then, the lights in the classroom go out]'' :'''Mr. Haney''': Bad news! The storm is getting worse, the buildings lost electricity, so the school is closed. :''[Mr. Ratburn gasps while the class cheer]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Oliver''': I tried all night, but the plower's stuck. None of the roads can get plowed now. :'''Francine''': Dad, look! It's too cold to write. I have to stop doing my report. ===''The Rat Who Came to Dinner'' [4.5b]=== :'''Arthur''': Good night, Mom! Good night, Dad! :'''Mr. and Mrs. Read''': Good night, Arthur! :'''Arthur''': Good night, Mr. Ratburn! :'''Mr. Ratburn''': Good night, Arthur! Good night, D.W.! :'''D.W.''': Good night, Mr. Ragberp! :'''Arthur''': Good night, Pal! :''[Pal barks "good night"]'' :'''Mr. Ratburn''': Good night, Pal! Will there be more cake tomorrow? ===''D.W. Tale Spins'' [4.6a]=== ===''Prunella Gets It Twice'' [4.6b]=== ===''Binky Barnes, Wingman'' [4.7a]=== ===''To Beat or Not to Beat'' [4.7b]=== :'''Muffy''': ''[shocked and plugged the ears]'' What in the world is that?! Turn it off! ===''1001 Dads'' [4.8a]=== ===''Prunella's Prediction'' [4.8b]=== ===''What is that Thing?'' [4.9a]=== ===''Buster's Best Behavior'' [4.9b]=== ===''My Music Rules'' [4.10a]=== ===''That's A Baby Show'' [4.10b]=== :'''Arthur''': Mom says I'm watching the Dark Bunny after your baby show ends! :'''D.W.''': Mary Moo Cow is not a baby show! [[Category:Television show seasons]]--> m06cihj5ox5ppv3tbn13b58b6kv8kti 0 283812 3944184 3941386 2026-05-22T13:54:59Z ~2026-29139-27 3321829 3944184 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog 3]]''''', also simply known as '''''Sonic 3''''', is an American live-action/CGI fantasy film based on the [[Sonic the Hedgehog|video game franchise]] published by Sega. The movie stars [[Jim Carrey]], [[w:Ben Schwartz|Ben Schwartz]], [[w:Lee Majdoub|Lee Majdoub]], [[w:Natasha Rothwell|Natasha Rothwell]], [[w:Adam Pally|Adam Pally]], [[w:Shemar Moore|Shemar Moore]], [[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]], [[w:James Marsden|James Marsden]], [[w:Tika Sumpter|Tika Sumpter]], and [[Idris Elba]] in the reprising roles from [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2|the second movie]]. The movie also features [[Krysten Ritter]], [[Keanu Reeves]], [[w:Alyla Browne|Alyla Browne]], and James Wolk. It is distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]]. The movie has Sonic and his friends trying to stop a more powerful, vengeful hedgehog named Shadow, and are forced to reluctantly call on their archenemy, Dr. Robotnik, to help stop him. :''Directed by {{w|Jeff Fowler}}. Produced by {{w|Neal H. Moritz}}, Toby Ascher, Toru Nakahara, and Hitoshi Okuno. Screenplay by [[w:Patrick Casey (writer)|Pat Casey]] & [[w:Josh Miller (filmmaker)|Josh Miller]] and [[w:John Whittington (screenwriter)|John Whittington]], based on the [[Sonic the Hedgehog|video game franchise]] published by Sega.'' {{center|'''New adventure. New rival.''' <small>(tagline)</small>}} == Team Sonic == === [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]] === * ''[from trailer]'' Hey, no cheat codes! * Hey, hey! My state-of-the-art security system! ''[swings the nunchucks around before hitting himself in the head]'' It still works. * I gotta ask, one hedgehog to another, who does your highlights? * ''Konnichi''-what? * Hold it right there, [[The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift|Tokyo Drift!]] * No, no. Oh, no, no. Someone tell me this some kind of concussion-induced nightmare! There's ''two'' Eggmen now?! ''['''Ivo''': Double your villains, double your fun.]'' * Uh, nice magic marble. Real scary. ''[the "marble" activates, turning into a mini black hole]'' Aah! That actually is real scary! * Check this out. Trick shot! * Somebody better call Google Maps. * Tom, Maddie, we need your help on a super... Knuckles, do you mind? ''['''Knuckles''': Oh, excuse me.]'' Tom, Maddie, we need your help on a super dangerous top-secret mission! ''['''Tom''': We're in.]'' * Stop right there, robo-scum! * Now, this might hurt a little! * All right, boys, try and keep up! * Pro tip: if you're gonna take a shot at the fastest creature in the universe, you better not miss. * That's a new trick. * ''[last lines; after being saved by a hammer-wielding cloaked figure]'' What?! Who are you?! ''[the figure removes her hood to reveal herself as a pink hedgehog named Amy Rose.]'' === [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Miles "Tails" Prower]] === * Come on, Sonic! Catch up! Yeah! ''['''Sonic''': What in the what now?]'' * Uh, start with the giant fireball? ''['''Sonic''': I love it. Let's start with a giant fireball.]'' * He looks just like you. ''['''Knuckles''': Impossible!]'' * Who ''is'' this guy? ''['''Knuckles''': He is much more impressive than the hedgehog I fought previously.]'' * Calm down, Knuckles! This is a Chao Garden. One of the top ten must-see spots in all of Tokyo! It's the perfect place for us to blend in! ''['''Japanese Girl''': Are you Detective Pikachu?]'' * Oh, I'm not Sonic's assistant, we're teammates. He's the leader, Knuckles is the muscle, and I'm the gadget guy! We all have a role to play. That's what makes the team so special. That, and the fact we're best friends. * Gotta be faster than that! ''['''Tom''': [exits the tent, now in an arm sling] Give me a break. I'm still a little slow over here.]'' === [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles the Echidna]] === * ''[from trailer]'' What is this den of madness? * ''[burns his marshmallow for a s'more]'' I have dishonored my marshmallow. * ''[laughs excitedly]'' Finally, some action! * He is much more impressive than the hedgehog I fought previously. ''['''Sonic''': [annoyed] Dude, I'm standing right here.]'' * ''[laughs]'' He does look like a Pokémon! ''[Tails looks annoyed as Knuckles mimics the impression of Pikachu]'' Pika-Pika! Ha! *''[sees Stone; gasps]'' It's the Goat Milker! ''['''Stone''': [mimics Knuckles] "It's the Goat Milker"! Relax. I'm not here to fight.]'' * Nothing scares an Echidna warrior. ''['''Sonic''': Uh, yeah. Do you remember what happened last movie night?]'' * ''[after a flashback of Team Sonic watching the 1995 movie ''Casper'']'' There's no such thing as [[Casper (film)|a friendly ghost]]. * Just a dark, creepy hallway. Nothing to be afraid of. Ya hear that, ghost?! You don't frighten me! ''[the pipe suddenly blows steam from behind, startling him]'' Get... a... grip. ''['''Shadow''': Boo.]'' '''AAH!''' == [[w:Shadow the Hedgehog|Shadow the Hedgehog]] == * 2024? I've been trapped for fifty years? ''[G.U.N. agents arrive and surround Shadow]'' * Why won't you leave me ALONE?! ''['''G.U.N. Agent''': Take him down!]'' * You're a colorful bunch. ''['''Sonic''': Uh, excuse me. Why do you look like me?]'' I don't look like you. ''You'' look like ''me.'' Why do you look like me? ''['''Sonic''': Hey, you know what? I'll ask the questions, new hedgehog! Who are you?! Why do you look like me?!]'' This is a waste of time. Walk away, before you get hurt. * You jumped out of a G.U.N. helicopter. There's nothing to talk about. ''[walks away]'' * Don't try to follow me. ''[drives off on his motorcycle]'' * ''[to Sonic]'' The more you talk, the harder I want to hit you! * ''[to Maria]'' I don't know what I'd do without you. ''[smiles warmly]'' * I'm tired of giving you warnings. * I've spent fifty years reliving what they did to her. This '''IS''' who I am inside. * ''[watching a scene from ''La Ultima Passion'']'' Gabriella should kill them both. She's not a prize to be won. * When we're done, there won't be anything left to rule. ''['''Stone''': That is dark.]'' * You were right about one thing: this ends ''now. [punches Sonic]'' * Go ahead, finish it! What are you waiting for?! Do it! I'm right here! ''['''Sonic''': [after remembering Tom's words from earlier, he decides to spare Shadow as he looked at his hands with remorse] This is not who I am.]'' What are you doing? You won. Take your revenge. ''['''Sonic''': There are no winners with revenge.]'' * The light shines, even though the star is gone. * So, ''this'' was your plan? ''['''Sonic''': [grunts] Would someone mind shutting down the giant death ray?!]'' * I don't know anything about my home. ''['''Maria''': This is your home, Shadow. Earth.]'' == [[w:Doctor Eggman|Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik]] == * ''[while watching ''La Última Pasión'']'' Let that be a lesson to you, Juan! Family is a field of emotional claymores... that leave you abandoned, betrayed, and weeping while you eat cake, which creates copious amounts of adipose tissue, and what some callous individuals refer to as... man-boobs. * "Imposter". That's impossi... '''''WHAT?!?!''''' * Let's... ''[grabs Stone]'' ...'''DO THIS!''' * It's as if... ''[with Gerald, breaking the fourth wall]'' ...we're two characters in a movie, being played by the same actor! * Double your villains, double your fun! * The Robotniks have entered the chat. * Our destiny awaits. * Set up defense! ''[his suit produces... an actual picket fence]'' Damn you, autocorrect! * ''[Ivo, Tails, and Knuckles manage to turn the Eclipse Cannon's laser away from Earth...]'' Yes! I did it... I did it...! ''[...but it slices the moon in half]'' Ooh... ''[to Knuckles and Tails]'' Look what you did! * ''[in Spanish, after being convinced by Shadow to save the Earth]'' Go with God, stinking hedgehog. * ''[as he started livestreaming]'' This is Dr. Ivo Robotnik, dedicating my final livestream to one very special henchman: Agent Stone. ''['''Stone''': No, no. Doctor, wait!]'' If I can't rule the world, I might as well save it... for the one and only person who ever cared about me! ''['''Stone''': Don't do this, Doctor, please!]'' Stone, you were more than a sycophant to me. You were... ''[after a brief pause]'' a syco-friend. ''[Stone becomes teary-eyed]'' I'll miss your lattes with steamed Austrian goat milk... I love the way you make 'em! ''[Stone beams happily]'' So, I guess there's only one thing left to say: Bzzt, bzzt, bzzt! It's been a real drag! ''[whispers]'' Thanks for nothing. ==Professor Gerald Robotnik== * ''[from trailer]'' Welcome home, my boy. * Two Robotniks are way worse than one! * Holy crab! * I know, grandson, a ''woman'' in the military. * In exchange for my freedom, I gave G.U.N. the most powerful weapon mankind has ever seen, capable of delivering a precision strike anywhere on Earth. * ''[while spanking Ivo]'' I... will... not... try... to stop... my... elders... from... destroying... the... world! * ''[after witnessing Shadow teaming up with Sonic]'' Shadow. I see you've chosen betrayal, and you were once so useful to me. ==Maria Robotnik== *Wow. Look at all those stars. They're like diamonds. My grandfather says it can take hundreds of years for the light of a star to reach Earth, and by the time you see it, the star might not even exist anymore. Isn't that crazy? ''['''Shadow''': The light shines... even though the star is gone.]'' *You're my friend. And you can do or be anything you want, not because of your powers, but because of who you are in here. ''['''Shadow''': I don't know what I'd do without you.]'' == Dialogue == :''[a storm brews above Prison Island in Tokyo Bay, Japan. Inside, a GUN guard joins Kyle in a balcony overlooking a chamber]'' :'''Guard''': ''[first lines]'' Oh, yes! You got donuts. :'''Kyle''': I already ate all the Boston Cream. :'''Guard''': Kyle! :''[Kyle shrugs while the guard looks down at a chamber containing something below]'' :'''Guard''': This place gives me the creeps. :'''Kyle''': Relax, that popsicle hasn't moved in 50 years. :''[Shadow, a red-streaked black hedgehog, is seen in the chamber, sleeping and dreaming. In his head, he hears music. He sees Maria Robotnik, a human girl, playing a guitar. His face softens as he sees her hold his hand under the stars. Then he sees himself flee with her from a squad of soldiers. The two of them lose their grip, and their hands separate. His brow furrows in the capsule, and his heart-rate monitor spikes on one of Kyle's screens, which the guard notices]'' :'''Guard''': Is that normal? :'''Kyle''': No... ''[checks another screen]'' Someone's hacking the system! :'''Guard''': What? :''[a laughing Eggman symbol appears on Kyle's screen]'' :'''Kyle''': The containment tank is destabilizing! ''He's waking up...'' :''[The guard runs over and sounds the alarm. Two squads of G.U.N. soldiers converge in the chamber, aiming their blasters at the capsule. Just as Shadow starts to stir from his slumber, his heart rate goes down, and he calms down, prompting one soldier to sigh with relief. Until suddenly, Shadow scowls as he opens his eyes, which glow red, and punches the capsule's glass, freeing himself. He steps out, silent, but seething, and teleports from one soldier to the next, incapacitating each with a single hit before any of them can take a shot at him. Shadow vanishes after uppercutting the last soldier up to the balcony's glass, startling Kyle and the guard]'' :'''Kyle''': We need more guys. :'''Guard''': That ''is'' all the guys. :''[the soldier slides from the balcony and hits the floor with a loud thud. Outside, one of Prison Island's walls bursts open. Shadow marches out, his eyes still glowing red, and sees Tokyo in the distance. He teleports down and skates across the stormy sea toward the city]'' <hr width=50%> :''[at a campsite in Green Hills, Montana, Miles Prower, a.k.a. Tails, a yellow-orange and white fox with two tails, gets into a ready stance, narrowing his blue eyes. On the left beside him, Knuckles, a red echidna, does the same, narrowing his purple eyes. In a rubber duck float, diving flippers, and sunglasses, Sonic, a blue hedgehog, walks in the middle of his friends while eating a chilli dog]'' :'''Sonic''': ''[mouth full]'' Wait a second. I thought we were going tubing. Hold on, hold on, is this a race? :'''Tails''': You're going down! :'''Knuckles''': It is my destiny to claim the throne of Family Champion, hedgehog! :'''Sonic''': Ha-ha, cute! Are you sure you wanna challenge the fastest creature in the universe? I mean, that's kinda my whole brand. ''[spins out of his floatie and removes his flippers and sunglasses]'' Okay, Tom and Maddie, count us down! :'''Tom''': Right! ''[to Maddie]'' Don't worry, a little sibling rivalry is healthy. Me and my brothers used to do this kind of thing all the time. :'''Maddie''': Tom, your brothers are lunatics and neither of them were born with the power to trigger a global, cataclysmic event, so... :'''Tom''': That's a fair point. Did you hear that, boys? No cataclysmic events, alright? Let's try to keep this cataclysmic-less. :'''Sonic''': 10-4! :'''Tails''': Got it! :'''Knuckles''': Understood, Lord of the Donuts! :'''Maddie''': Then, on your marks, get set, go! ''[Team Sonic takes off fast]'' :'''Sonic''': And way out in front, to the surprise of absolutely no one, it's the Blue Blur, the Red-Shoed Rocket, the one, the only-- :'''Tails''': ''[flies above]'' Come on, Sonic, catch up! Yeah! ''[flies ahead]'' :'''Sonic''': What in the what now? :'''Knuckles''': ''[running ahead]'' I am also defeating you, hedgehog! :'''Sonic''': Seriously? Alright, you know what? Time to light the afterburners! ''[accelerates past, grinding up a fallen tree]'' Look! It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Air Hedgehog! ''[passing the Goal Plate, dancing]'' Yes! I did it! I... ''[sees Tails and Knuckles tapping their feet]'' lost?! How is that even possible? I did not lose! :'''Knuckles''': I am also defeating you, hedgehog. :'''Sonic''': Okay, okay, I get it, man. No need to rub it in. :'''Tails''': Come on, Sonic, catch up! Yeah! :'''Sonic''': ''[getting Déjà vu]'' Wait, what's going on? :''[Sonic distorts Tails' face upon touching it and yelps in shock. He does the same to Knuckles' face.]'' :'''Sonic''': Why are you guys acting like... ''[looks up, sees Tails' hologram projectors]'' Holograms! Which means I remain the undefeated speed champion of all time! Yeees! And the crowd goes wild! But also, what's going on? ''[hurries back to the campsite to see a surprise birthday party waiting before him]'' :'''Tom, Maddie, Tails, & Knuckles''': Surprise! :'''Sonic''': Wait a second, you guys, what is all this? ''[points to the banner]'' "Happy B-Arthur Day"? :'''Maddie''': No, it's "Happy B-''Earth''-day." :'''Tom''': Today's the anniversary of the day you came to Earth, bud. It's your Earth Day birthday. :'''Sonic''': So, the race was just a distraction, which I totally didn't fall for, by the way, good try, though, so you could throw a party for me? :'''Knuckles''': Today we honor you, hedgehog. :'''Tails''': If it wasn't for you, none of us would be here right now. :'''Tom''': The boys are right, bud. Y'know, the day you came to this planet is the day all our lives changed forever. :'''Maddie''': And we became a family. :'''Ozzy''': ''[barks, subtitled]'' You stole my hoomans. :'''Sonic''': You guys, I don't, I don't know what to say, except... Let's party! ''[high-fives Tom]'' :'''Tails''': Toga! Toga! :'''Knuckles''': It's now on 'til the break of dawn! <hr width=50%> :'''Sonic''': Thanks for the surprise party. It really means a lot to me. :'''Tom''': Ah, you deserve it, pal. :'''Sonic''': ''[sees something in the distance]'' No way, is that...? ''[runs off]'' :'''Tom''': ''[walking after him]'' Wha-- Dude, just for once, walk at ''my'' speed. :''[Tom drops down into Sonic's old cave from the [[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|first film]].]'' :'''Tom''': Whoa, Sonic, this is your... :'''Sonic''': Yep, my old cave. :'''Tom''': Oh, man, I can't believe this is where you lived all those years. :'''Sonic''': ''(re: nunchaku)'' Heh-hey! My state-of-the-art security system! ''[flails them around and hits himself, again like in the first film]'' Still works. :'''Tom''': Hey, bud. what's this? ''[finds a drawing of young Sonic and Longclaw]'' :'''Sonic''': Wow. You know, I drew that on my first night on Earth. I wanted to remember where I came from. I still miss her. You think Longclaw would be proud of me? :'''Tom''': I know she would, pal. Because even though you lost her at such a young age, you didn't let your pain change who you are... in here. ''[points at Sonic's chest]'' :'''Sonic''': Yeah, in my lungs. :'''Tom''': ''[amused]'' Or your heart. :'''Sonic''': Heart, right. Yeah, makes more sense. Not lungs, heart. :'''Tom''': That's the thing about life, Sonic, it's all about the choices we make. You're gonna make some good ones, and... knowing you, you're gonna make some bad ones. ''[Sonic innocuously rolls his eyes]'' But, as long as you remember to listen to your heart, you're gonna make the right choice when it matters the most. :'''Sonic''': Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you. ''[cut to Shadow miserably marching in the rain in Tokyo] I'd probably be a totally different hedgehog.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Shadow''': 2024? I've been trapped for 50 years? ''[soon finds himself surrounded by G.U.N. soldiers]'' :'''G.U.N. Soldier''': ''[via megaphone]'' We've got you surrounded! :'''Shadow''': Why... won't you leave me... ALONE?! :'''G.U.N. Soldier''': Take him down! :''[the soldiers point their guns at Shadow, who charges up his power in response.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Knuckles''': I have dishonored my marshmallow. :'''Tails''': It's really just a question of temperature and distance. :'''Maddie''': It's not a competition. :'''Tom''': This is so nice. :'''Maddie''': Peace. :'''Tom''': Quiet. :'''Maddie''': Finally. :'''Tom''': Finally. ''[Suddenly, a G.U.N. helicopter arrives at the campsite, much to Sonic's annoyance]'' :'''Sonic''': Hey! We're trying to have a family moment down here! ''[he and his family walk over to the landing helicopter]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Maddie''': What did we do? :'''Tom''': Or what did ''they'' do? :'''Tails''': ''[to Sonic]'' What did you do? :'''Sonic''': I don't know, I do a lot of stuff. :'''Rockwell''': Mr. and Mrs. Wachowski. ''[to the boys, with more spite]'' [[Aliens (film)|Aliens.]] :'''Sonic''': "Aliens"? Excuse me? It's not like we're from different plan-- Oh, yeah, we are. I guess we ''are'' aliens. Please continue. :'''Rockwell''': I'm Director Rockwell. There is a very dangerous situation unfolding right now in Tokyo. Commander Walters is requesting Team Sonic's immediate assistance. :'''Knuckles''': "Team Sonic"? Who picked ''that'' name? :'''Sonic''': Love it, 10 out of 10, no notes. Tom and Maddie, put the s'mores on ice, because Team Sonic is off to save the day! :''[Team Sonic boards the helicopter. Sonic waves goodbye to his family as they take off]'' :'''Maddie''': Remember... make good choices! :''[Tom gives a thumbs up, and Ozzy waves goodbye]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The G.U.N. helicopter exits a Ring over Tokyo as the instrumental version of "Neon" by ONE OK ROCK start up. Tails sits in the cockpit with a British G.U.N. pilot]'' :'''Tails''': Good evening, and welcome to Tails Airflight 1012. We're looking at an on-time arrival into Tokyo! :'''Sonic''': Okay, Captain, we've got a rogue alien on the loose. How do we find him? :''[they both notice a large explosion at the Shibuya Scramble Crossing]'' :'''Tails''': Uh, start with the giant fireball? :'''Sonic''': I love it, let's start with the giant fireball! :''[Sonic and Tails join Knuckles in the back]'' :'''Knuckles''': Ha-ha-ha...! Finally, some action! :'''Tails''': Okay, time to gear up. ''[pulls out some handcuffs]'' Titanium handcuffs. Completely indestructible. :'''Knuckles''': I don't need your silly gizmos, fox. And you know why? Because I am... :'''Sonic and Tails''': ''[reciting with Knuckles, unamused]'' 1,000,000% muscle. :'''Knuckles''': Yes, good, you've been listening. :'''G.U.N. Pilot''': We're over the drop zone. :'''Sonic''': All right, here we go. Showtime! :''[Sonic slides open the helicopter door, and the team looks down at the crossing as they prepare to skydive]'' :'''Sonic''': Now, look, we don't know if it's Godzilla or Hello Kitty down there, but as long as we stick together, there is ''nothing'' we can't handle. Team Sonic on three! ''[As he counts up, he, Tails, and Knuckles each put their fists together one by one.]'' One, two, three... :'''All Three''': Teeeeeam... :'''Sonic and Tails''': ...Sonic! :'''Knuckles''': ''[at the same time]'' ...Knuckles! :'''Sonic''': ''[groans, then turns to Rockwell]'' [[Sonic Adventure 2|Talk about low budget flights. No food or movies? We're outta here!]] :''[Team Sonic jumps out of the helicopter, and the vocals of "Neon" kick in as they skydiving down to the crossing, Sonic, Tails, Knuckles opening their parachutes, Landed Safely]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Knuckles''': What happened here? :'''Sonic''': Looks like G.U.N. got their butts kicked. Keep your eyes open. Tails, anything? :'''Tails''': Whoa. These energy readings are off the charts. :''[Suddenly, a G.U.N. humvee is chucked their way]'' :'''Sonic''': Look out! :''[Sonic and Tails brace for impact, but Knuckles steps in and catches the humvee, holding it up with one hand]'' :'''Knuckles''': 1,000,000%. ''[winks and tosses the humvee aside]'' :''[an ominous silhouette looms above in the smoke. Hearing footsteps, the team witnesses Shadow walking up a mound of fiery debris]'' :'''Sonic''': Whoa. Are you guys seeing this? :'''Tails''': He looks just like you. :'''Knuckles''': Impossible! :'''Shadow''': You're a colorful bunch. :'''Sonic''': Uh, excuse me. Why do you look like me? :'''Shadow''': I don't look like you. ''You'' look like ''me''. Why do you look like me? :'''Sonic''': Hey, you know what? I'll ask the questions, new hedgehog! Who are you?! Why do you look like me?! :'''Shadow''': This is a waste of time. Walk away, before you get hurt. :'''Sonic''': Whoa, whoa. Easy, buddy. ''[takes out the electric handcuffs]'' We don't want to fight you. :'''Knuckles''': Actually, Sonic, I would like to fight. ''[Sonic pushes Knuckles aside]'' :'''Sonic''': Not now. ''[to Shadow]'' Would you stop throwing cars at us for a second, and come down here to talk? :'''Shadow''': You jumped out of a G.U.N. helicopter. There's nothing to talk about. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''Knuckles''': All right, then, enough! :'''Sonic''': Knuckles, no! :'''Knuckles''': ''[jumping after Shadow]'' Let us talk with our fists! :''[However, Shadow teleports to Knuckles, shocking him. He grabs Knuckles' fist and twists it.] :'''Knuckles''': ''[in pain]'' '''AHHHH!!!''' :''[Knuckles shouts in pain, then Shadow kicks him upward, teleports, and kicks him again, repeating the combo before kicking him back down. Knuckles bounces off the pavement and crashes into a nearby store]'' :'''Sonic and Tails''': Knuckles! ''[they run over to help him up]'' :'''Sonic''': Knuckles, are you okay? :'''Knuckles''': No, not really, ow...! :''[Shadow teleports down to their level]'' :'''Tails''': Who ''is'' this guy? :'''Knuckles''': ''[as he and his friends get into fighting stances]'' He's much more impressive than [[Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|the hedgehog I fought previously]]. :'''Sonic''': ''[annoyed]'' Dude, I'm standing right here. Now, come on, he can't take us all at once! ''[Unfortunately, Shadow uses his teleportation ability to easily take down Team Sonic within seconds.]'' Okay, he took us all at once. ''[then collapses]'' :'''Shadow''': ''[walking past]'' Weakling. ''[commandeers a G.U.N. motorcycle. Sonic looks up in time to see him kick up a G.U.N. energy pistol into his hand]'' Don't try to follow me. :''[Shadow drives off while Sonic gets back up]'' :'''Tails''': Sonic, I know that look! Going after him is a bad idea! :'''Sonic''': When has that ever stopped me? ''[runs after Shadow, his eyes glowing blue]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Sonic''': Ugh. [[Back to the Future|1.21 gigawatts]]. ''[sees the handcuffs shackling him to a railing]'' Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. :'''Tails''': ''[arrives with Knuckles]'' Sonic! Are you okay? :'''Sonic''': I'm fine, guys. And before you ask me, I handcuffed myself for tactical reasons that I do not have time to explain. :'''Tails''': You shouldn't have gone off on your own. We're supposed to be a team. :'''Sonic''': Sorry, buddy. I'm still working on this teamwork thing. :'''Knuckles''': So, now what? :'''Sonic''': Well, I'm not jumping out of any more helicopters until we get some answers from G.U.N. We need somewhere to regroup. :'''Tails''': I know just the place! <hr width=50%> :'''Knuckles''': ''[screams]'' It's an ambush! You'll never take us alive, foul beasts! :'''Tails''': Calm down, Knuckles! This is a Chao Garden, one of the top ten must-see spots in all of Tokyo. It's the perfect place for us to blend in! :'''Japanese Girl''': ''[to Tails]'' Are you Detective Pikachu? :'''Sonic''': Yes, he ''is!'' :'''Knuckles''': ''[laughs]'' He does look like a Pokémon! ''[Tails looks annoyed as Knuckles begins to mimic the impression of Pikachu]'' Pika-Pika! Ha! :'''Sonic''': Commander Walters. :'''Walters''': ''[sitting down]'' Sonic. Thank God you're all okay. I'm sure you have questions. :'''Sonic''': Just a big, ticked off, red-and-black one. Who was that guy? :'''Walters''': Shadow's story began a lot like yours, Sonic. But where you found family and friends on this planet, Shadow found only pain and loss. ''[the scene cuts to 1974, where a shocked farmer walks out of his truck to have a look of a meteorite that contains Shadow inside] It begins over fifty years ago with a meteor crash in a quiet corner of Oklahoma. The meteorite contained a lifeform... the ultimate lifeform. [inside the meteorite, Shadow opens his eyes] Shadow’s power, his chaos energy, went far beyond any living creature. The scientists who discovered him believed this power would usher in a new era for humanity. But Shadow’s power proved too dangerous. A terrible accident destroyed the lab, taking human lives with it. The project leader was blamed for the incident and imprisoned. With the program cancelled, Shadow was a loose end no one knew how to deal with. Too dangerous to be walking free, too valuable to destroy. So I had to place him into stasis... [as the water rises from below the imprisoned Shadow, a young Walters watches him as the black hedgehog gives him one last angry look before disappearing completely] Indefinitely. [the scene fades back to the present]'' :'''Sonic''': Wait a second. If Shadow's been on ice for fifty years, someone had to help him escape. :'''Walters''': True, but there's only a few people in the world who even know of Shadow's existence. <hr width=50%> :'''Stone''': Doctor, we have visitors. :'''Dr. Ivo Robotnik''': ''Really?'' I thought I was having an anthropomorphic nightmare, where the only person I could trust in the world showed up with all my worst enemies, while I was in a bathrobe, playing congas on my ''big, fat belly!'' :'''Stone''': Sorry, sir. :'''Sonic''': I don't believe it. Eggman's alive? :'''Tails''': And he's never looked... worse. :'''Ivo Robotnik''': ''[chuckling]'' Well, maybe this is what "not giving a **** what you think I look like" looks like. :'''Stone''': Sir, right now, we have an even bigger problem. :'''Ivo''': Oh, come on... :'''Stone''': There's an imposter out there, using your technology. :'''Ivo''': ''[turning back to the monitor]'' "Imposter". That's impossi... What?! ''[recorded footage of the hacked egg drones plays on the monitor]'' No... My sweet, mechanized spawn! Whomever this party-pooping posse is looking for has stolen my persona, and the precious babies from my egg sac. Well, I'll soon "egg sac"-t my revenge. You see what I did there? ''[off Stone's laugh]'' It's time for the dramatic soap opera twist, where ''this'' Pablo reveals his Juan! ''[goes over to one of his devices, shoving trash out of the way.]'' By cross-referencing the precise coordinates of each drone's energy spikes, I can track my babies to the imposter's base of operations, right about… ''[points at a location]'' there. :'''Tails''': Sonic, I hate to say it, but I think we're both after the same person. :'''Sonic''': Hold on, hold on. You're not suggesting we team up with Doctor Ro-''butt-stink'', are you? :'''Knuckles''': Perhaps the fox is right. It could be our only chance to find this mysterious, more impressive hedgehog. :'''Sonic''': ''[groans]'' All right, Egghead, I hate to say it, but it looks like we're partners. :'''Ivo''': On one condition. ''[holds out his hand, gesturing Sonic to give him something]'' :'''Sonic''': ''[unfortunately knows what it is]'' Dude, you have serious issues. Ow! ''[plucks out one of his quills and begrudgingly gives it to Ivo. Ivo puts it to his tongue, and it shocks him with Chaos energy.]'' :'''Ivo''': Let's… ''[grabs Stone, shouting in his face]'' '''…do this!''' <hr width=50%> :''[Ivo noisily struggles in his changing room. Stone is startled but quickly regains his composure and continues to wait patiently until Ivo opens the door.]'' :'''Ivo''': Tinker Tailor, I need room. Think Elvis, circa 1976. :'''Stone''': But, sir, I don't have the proper materials. :'''Ivo''': ''[rips off Stone's shirt]'' Found some! ''[hands it to Stone, shuts the door]'' :'''Stone''': Resourceful. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1974, Maria and Shadow lie side by side in a field of flowers over the military base, gazing up at the stars in the night sky.]'' :'''Maria''': Wow. Look at all those stars. They're like diamonds. My grandfather says it can take hundreds of years for the light of a star to reach Earth, and by the time you see it, the star might not even exist anymore. Isn't that crazy? :'''Shadow''': The light shines... even though the star is gone. :'''Maria''': Yeah, it does. I wonder which one you came from, Shadow. :'''Shadow''': I don't know. I don't know anything about my home. :'''Maria''': This is your home, Shadow. Earth. :'''Shadow''': ''[sits up]'' Maria, do you think I'm... dangerous? :'''Maria''': ''[also sits up]'' What are you talking about? :'''Shadow''': The way the scientists look at me, I can tell they're afraid. Like I'm the horrible thing from that movie we watched. I don't know... what I am. :'''Maria''': You're my friend. And you can do or be anything you want. Not because of your powers, but because of who you are... in here. ''[points at Shadow's chest]'' :'''Shadow''': I don't know what I'd do without you. ''[smiles at Maria]'' :''[Maria smiles and holds Shadow's hand. They resume stargazing, with "End of the Line" starting up again. They share a brief look, smiling.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[In the present, Maria's record player abruptly scratches to a stop. After a moment, Shadow goes on to find his old capsule, now broken. He gazes into the glass from the outside and places his palm against it, just like Maria did when they first met, but sadly this time instead of happily. Suddenly, he hears footsteps, turning around and charging his fist with Chaos energy until he recognizes the figure, whose face is shrouded from the audience.]'' :'''Shadow''': Professor? :'''Professor''': It's good to see you, Shadow. I knew you'd come home. :'''Shadow''': I can't get her out of my head. The pain... It's too much. :'''Professor''': And that is why we have to punish them. <hr width=50%> :''[Outside, Sonic and Ivo emerge from a ring]'' :'''Sonic''': OK, I don't like you, and you don't like me. Let's get this over with quickly. :'''Ivo''': ''[bumps Sonic aside]'' Out of my way, Dork-upine. :'''Sonic''': ''[sarcastic]'' Dork-upine?! Really clever! :''[Tails, Knuckles, and Stone, still without a shirt, follow them to the base's doors as the Ring closes behind them.]'' :'''Ivo''': ''[knocks]'' This door is 6-inch-thick solid steel and a pressurized latch. I'll need a moment to calculate the molecular density and invert the venting mechanics. :'''Knuckles''': ''[simply punches the doors down]'' I unlocked it. :'''Ivo:''' Subtle as always, Fists-for-Brains. :''[Inside the base, Shadow hears the doors being knocked down.]'' :'''Professor''': Easy, Shadow. Those are the guests I've been expecting. Let's give them a warm welcome. <hr width=50%> :''[Team Sonic, Ivo, and Stone enter the base.]'' :'''Stone''': Whoa, what is this place? :'''Sonic''': Looks like a military base, but nobody's been here for years. I wonder if it's haunted. :'''Knuckles''': Haunted? Nobody said anything about being haunted. :'''Stone''': What's the matter? You afraid of g-g-g-ghosts? :'''Knuckles''': Nothing scares an Echidna warrior. :'''Sonic''': Uh, yeah, do you remember what happened last movie night? ''[Cut to a brief flashback of Knuckles screaming in terror... at [[Casper (film)|Casper the Friendly Ghost]]. He holds onto his friends' hands, crushing them in the process.]'' AAAHH! Let go-let go-let-go-let go! :''[Cut back to the present.]'' :'''Knuckles''': There's no such thing as a "friendly ghost". :''[Sonic rolls his eyes, unconvinced. Tails still visibly feels the pain in his hand. They soon come across three hallways.]'' :'''Sonic''': So, which way do we go? :'''Ivo''': I know! We should split up. Everyone with hideous, brightly colored fur take the left and the middle. Stone and I will go right. :'''Sonic''': No, no, no, no, no. I'm not letting you out of my sight. Tails, you and Stone go left. Knuckles, you take the middle. Eggman, you and I go right. :'''Ivo''': By all means. We could use some time together. To work on your trust issues. :'''Sonic''': You know what, you're right, I ''should'' be more trusting. I mean, [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|you've only tried to]] [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (film)|''kill me twice!'']] <hr width=50%> :'''Knuckles''': Just a dark, creepy hallway. Nothing to be afraid of. You hear that, ghost?! You don't frighten me! ''[a pipe blows steam behind, startling him.]'' Get… a… grip. ''[turns around to find Shadow right in front of him]'' :'''Shadow''': ''Boo''. :'''Knuckles''': '''AAAH!''' :''[Knuckles screams in fright. Meanwhile, with Tails and Stone...]'' :'''Stone''': I'm just gonna come right out and say this... You're adorable. :'''Tails''': Oh, um, thanks. :'''Stone''': So, what's it like being Sonic's assistant? You have a daily routine? Paid time off? Benefits? :'''Tails''': Oh, I'm not Sonic's assistant. We're teammates! He's the leader, Knuckles is the muscle, and I'm the gadget guy. We all have a role to play. That's what makes the team so special. That and the fact we're best friends. :'''Stone''': ...you are? :'''Tails''': Well, yeah, just like you and Eggman, right? :'''Stone''': ''[stammering, nervously chuckling]'' Of course, yes! Me and the doctor, best of friends! ''[looks away, sadly]'' That's definitely what we are. :''[Then they hear something suspicious, finding a rat, which scurries by. Behind them in the dark, Shadow floats down, his red eyes glowing in the dark. Stone and Tails turn around, and spot him, then scream]'' :'''Stone and Tails''': '''''AAAH!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[Sonic and Ivo investigate a room housing Maria's old tent.]'' :'''Sonic''': Whoa, look at all this stuff. This was more than just a military base or a lab. It was a ''home''. People lived here. ''[finds a framed photo of Shadow and Maria with the glass broken]'' He had a family. :'''Ivo''': Is that what I smell? The stench of domestic harmony? :'''Sonic''': You ever wonder what your life would've been like if you had a family? :'''Ivo''': Hm... ''no.'' :'''Sonic''': Maybe you wouldn't have gone full supervillain. :'''Ivo''': I have no parents, no aunts, no uncles, and something about my attitude renders me... ''[looks at his reflection]'' ...undesirable to all possible genders. ''[Sonic follows a trail of footprints leading into the next room while Robotnik continues.]'' My future is a cul-de-sac. The Robotnik name ends... ''[pulls out Sonic's quill] ...avec moi.'' Yes, I know French. ''[shocks his tongue again]'' :''[Sonic's attention is diverted as he enters the adjacent lab housing Shadow's old capsule.]'' :'''Sonic''': Whoa, is this where you grew up, Shadow? No wonder you're so mad. This place could really use a beanbag chair and some comic books. What happened here? :''[As Sonic inspects the capsule, Shadow suddenly teleports in and smashes Sonic's head against it, cracking the glass even more.]'' :'''Shadow''': I'm tired of giving you warnings! ''[throws Sonic against the lab's machinery and charges a Chaos energy-infused punch, knocking Sonic out again.]'' :'''Sonic''': AH! :'''Ivo''': Where'd you go, hedgehog? I wasn't finished trauma-dumping. ''[looks around the room, he finds his drones neatly stacked and inactive.]'' My... darlings! ''[hugs his drones]'' My eggy-weggies! :''[Then the door to the room creaks open, and the Professor slowly enters, singing Barbara Streisand's "The Way We Were".]'' :'''Professor''': ♪ Memories... light the corners of my mind... misty watercolor memories... ♪ ''[walks into view, Ivo discovers that he bears a striking resemblance to him.]'' ♪ ...of the way we were... n't! ♪ :'''Ivo''': I... don't believe it. :'''Professor''': Don't you? :'''Ivo''': It's impossible. :'''Professor''': Is it? :'''Ivo''': It couldn't be. :'''Professor''': Couldn't it? :'''Ivo''': I'm... :'''Professor''': Are you? :'''Ivo''': ''Imposter!'' You stole my babies! ''[activates his drones via his glove]'' They know who their real daddy is, drone-napper! :'''Professor''': ''[laughs]'' Magnificent creations, my boy. I borrowed them to lure you here and reunite our family. You see, Ivo. ''[removes glasses]'' I'm your grandfather: Gerald Robotnik. :'''Ivo''': My... grandfather? But how? And why? And who did what with whom?! :'''Professor Gerald Robotnik''': You hail from an ancestry of excellence, tied directly ''à moi.'' Yes, I know French. :'''Ivo''': ''[closely inspecting]'' You do look like me. But fatter, and older. And there's that funny smell. But the resemblance is uncanny. It's as if... :'''Both''': We're two characters in a movie ''[slowly turning to the camera]'' being played by the [[Jim Carrey|same actor!]] :'''Ivo''': But I need ''real proof!'' :'''Gerald''': Ivo! We have very little time. ''[commands a drone via his glove to shoot at Gerald's feet. Gerald hops over the bullet and immediately reconsiders]'' But I could field a couple of queries. :''[Ivo starts walking around Gerald and quizzing him.]'' :'''Ivo''': Name the most elegant formula in mathematics. :'''Gerald''': [[Euler's identity]]: ''e'' to the ''i'' times pi plus one equals zilch. :'''Ivo''': European capitals arranged alphabetically by the fourth letter. :'''Gerald''': ''[yawns]'' [[Riga]], [[Monaco]], [[Sarajevo]], [[Tirana]]. :'''Ivo''': The [[speed of light]] divided by the speed of sound divided by the speed of the bus in the movie [[Speed (1994 film)|''Speed'']]. :'''Gerald''': ''[mimics calculator beeps]'' 17,893.33333... :'''Ivo''': Rounding up. :'''Gerald''': 17,893 mph. :'''Ivo''': And, for all the marbles... :'''Gerald''': Good, I lost mine. :'''Ivo''': A rare lung disease, and the longest word in the English dictionary. :'''Gerald''': Em... :'''Both''': [[w: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis|Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis]]! :'''Ivo''': ''[whispering in shock]'' Pop-Pop? :'''Gerald''': In the saggy flesh. But lookin' pretty good for 110. ''[shocks his tongue on Shadow's quill]'' :'''Ivo''': ''[tearfully overjoyed]'' Oh, Grampy-poo! ''[hugs Gerald]'' Where have you been my entire life? ''[pulls back]'' Wait. ''[angrily]'' Where have you been... my '''ENTIRE LIFE?!''' :'''Gerald''': Locked in a top-secret prison for the last 50 years. Made it kinda hard to send Christmas cards. Now, you're probably wondering why I brought you here. :'''Ivo''': You didn't bring me here. I used my unparalleled intellect to track you down. :'''Gerald''': Per the plan I concocted with ''my'' unparalleled intellect. You'll see. I have the answer to everything. C'mon, kiddo. :''[Ivo follows Gerald with a skip in his step. Behind them, the drones form hearts in their optics.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Sonic''': Oh, no. Someone tell me this is some kind of concussion-induced nightmare. There's '''''TWO''''' Eggmen now?! :'''Ivo''': Double your villains, double your fun! :'''Gerald''': Two Robotniks are way worse than one! :'''Ivo''': ''[to Gerald]'' Chest bump? No. ''[to Stone]'' Stone, why are you tied up? Do that on your own time. You sicken me. :'''Shadow''': You must be the long-lost grandson. :'''Ivo''': And you must be another stinking hedgehog. :''[Sonic redirects his attention to Gerald just as Tails and Knuckles regain consciousness.]'' :'''Sonic''': So, ''you're'' the one behind all this? The Shadow breakout. :'''Tails''': The attack on Walters! :'''Knuckles''': That musty old man smell? :'''Gerald''': How dare you insult me with your unsolicited exposition! Shadow, get the key. :'''Shadow''': ''[reaches his hand out]'' Where is it? :'''Sonic''': Ha! Good one, Hot Topic. Do you really think we'd be that stupid, to bring the key right to you? ''[Shadow takes the key from Tails' backpack.]'' Yup, we're that stupid. :'''Shadow''': G.U.N. took everything from us. And now ''we'' are going to take everything from ''them''. :'''Gerald''': With this. ''[activates a small hologram]'' My masterpiece of malevolence: the ''Eclipse Cannon''. In exchange for my freedom, I gave G.U.N. the most powerful weapon mankind has ever seen, capable of delivering a precision strike anywhere on Earth. Our first target: G.U.N. headquarters! :'''Sonic''': But firing a weapon that powerful could threaten millions of innocent lives! :'''Gerald''': Yeah, terabyte me! ''[Ivo chuckles at Gerald's pun]'' This is one of two keys required to launch the Eclipse Cannon. The other is locked inside G.U.N. headquarters. Once we have both, I will take rightful control of my weapon. :'''Ivo''': I'm in. :''[Ivo's crab mech floats down into the chamber.]'' :'''Gerald''': Holy crab! :'''Stone''': Spacious and crustaceous. :'''Ivo''': ''[to Team Sonic]'' Thank you so much for inspiring this little adventure. It really worked out for me. :'''Sonic''': And you wonder why I have trust issues! ''[As the Robotniks and Stone board the crab, Shadow teleports above Team Sonic.]'' Shadow, wait! Don't do this. I know you're hurting, but don't let that change who you are inside. :'''Shadow''': I've spent 50 years reliving what they did to her. ''[deploys a black hole orb with his Chaos energy]'' [[Shadow the Hedgehog (video game)|This ''is'' who I am]] inside. ''[drops the orb and then teleports into the crab]'' :'''Sonic''': Uh, nice magic marble. Real scary. ''[The orb unleashes a vortex, absorbing the base's ruins.]'' Aah! That actually is real scary! :'''Tails''': It's a mini black hole! It's going to suck in all the matter in this base! :''[A piece of debris knocks loose the pillar that the team is chained to, and they start being pulled in.]'' :'''Knuckles''': Fear not, friends! Even my ''teeth'' are muscles! ''[bites down on a loose cable, keeping the team from being absorbed]'' :'''Tails''': Sonic, try to reach one of my rings! :'''Sonic''': ''[manages to grab a ring from Tails' backpack]'' Got one! Check this out. Trick shot! ''[flips the ring up and kicks it to try to open it, but it keeps bouncing into debris being pulled in.]'' Come on... come on... come on! ''[Knuckles loses his grip, and the team is pulled towards the vortex, but the ring opens right in front of them, transporting them to safety at the edge of a nearby cliff. The team briefly celebrates before witnessing the black hole devouring the mountain and disappearing.]'' Yikes. Somebody better call Google Maps. <hr width=50%> :''[The crab's computer scans the crater where the mountain and abandoned base once sat: "No lifeforms detected".]'' :'''Ivo''': I've spent years trying to cleanse the cosmos of that spiny, blue speed freak, and you did it... in one afternoon. :'''Gerald''': There's nothing we can't destroy together, my boy. :'''Stone''': Charting route to G.U.N. headquarters in London, sirs. ETA: four hours, as the crab flies. :'''Gerald''': By all accounts, we're ahead of schedule. We should take this time to get to know each other better. :'''Ivo''': Wow, what...? You mean... spend some qu-qu-qu... ality time? :'''Gerald''': You've waited for this your whole life. How would you choose to spend one perfect day with your new grand pal? <hr width=50%> :''[The Wachowskis' living room is cluttered with signs of various activities, from loaves of bread, a knitting set, to a painting of Ozzy. Tom, dressed in a "Donut Lord" sweater, finishes building a model Taj Mahal at the table.]'' :'''Tom''': And done! Masterpiece. Look at that. :'''Maddie''': Yay! ''[wearing an "All or Muffin" apron, she brings more bread and joins Tom on the sofa.]'' It's really been great having time to ourselves. :'''Tom''': Right? Absolutely, I just feel so relaxed. You know, clear-headed? :'''Maddie''': Look at all these new interests we found. :'''Tom''': I've got so many hobbies. :'''Maddie''': ''[whispering]'' So many! :'''Tom''': After the action and adventure of the last few years, I could get used to this. :'''Maddie''': Same. :''[Suddenly, the room starts to shake. The bread pans wobble, puzzles break apart, and the model Taj Mahal comes tumbling down. A ring appears, and Team Sonic emerges, still chained up, with Knuckles in front.]'' :'''Sonic''': Tom, Maddie, we need your help on a super… Knuckles, do you mind? :'''Knuckles''': Oh, excuse me. ''[turns around so Sonic faces Tom and Maddie]'' :'''Sonic''': ''(Thank you.)'' Tom, Maddie, we need your help on a super dangerous, top-secret mission! :''[Tom and Maddie mull it over.]'' :'''Tom''': Thank God. :'''Maddie''': Let's go. :'''Tom''': ''[both getting up]'' Yeah, we're in. :'''Tails''': Really? You're in, just like that? :'''Tom''': Yeah. :'''Maddie''': ''[same time]'' Yes. It was getting so boring without you guys here. :'''Tom''': ''[overlapping]'' So boring. :'''Maddie''': No offense. :'''Tom''': No, none taken. ''[to Team Sonic]'' I mean, whatever crazy plan you're cooking up, the answer's yes. :'''Maddie''': Yes. :'''Sonic''': Great! But first thing's first, ''what is that?'' ''[points to a ventriloquist puppet of Tom with Sergeant Sprinkles.'' ''Tom picks it up off the floor. Maddie is unamused.]'' :'''Tom''': Oh, this is... ''[puts on a high-pitched voice]'' Little Tom! ''[in normal voice]'' Isn't he great? :''[Team Sonic is too stunned to speak.]'' :'''Maddie''': I told you to get rid of that. It's very creepy. :'''Tom''': ''[as Little Tom]'' I told ''him'' to get rid of ''you.'' ''[in normal voice]'' Okay, that's going a bit too far... :'''Maddie''': You're in so much trouble. :'''Tails''': ''[sets his Miles Electric on the living room table, creating a hologram of G.U.N. HQ.]'' Okay, this is it, the belly of the beast: G.U.N. headquarters in London. :'''Maddie''': Aw, Tom, we're finally gonna get to see London together...! :'''Tom''': Hey, I told you we'd get there someday, baby. :'''Sonic''': Okay, so here's the plan! I run in super fast, fly over that water, no problem, then right when I get to the-- ''[his hologram turns to ash upon running into G.U.N. HQ's shield, leaving only his shoes behind.]'' AAAH! What just happened? :'''Tails''': Congratulations, you just got incinerated by their energy shield. We'll need to shut it down by planting a USB drive in their server room. That will give me full control over it. ''(re: Tom and Maddie)'' That's what we need you two for. :'''Tom''': A couple bad-**** spies, that's what we are. :'''Maddie''': [[Mr. & Mrs. Smith|Mr. and Mrs. Smith.]] ''[fist bumps Tom]'' :'''Tails''': Once we disable the shield, you'll face... the laser hall. These high-density bad boys will cut you into tiny pieces. And cut those pieces into even tinier pieces. :'''Sonic''': Once again... AAH! Can't we just get [[Tom Cruise]] to do this? :'''Tails''': Nope, because not even he could break into... the vault. :'''Sonic''': Why is it empty in there? :'''Tails''': Because we have no idea what's on the other side of that door. To prevent the vault from ever being accessed by a ring, all images and schematics have been wiped from G.U.N.'s database. So, for the last leg of this heist... :'''Tom''': ''[as Little Tom]'' We're goin' in blind. ''[off Maddie's look, quietly]'' Sorry. :'''Maddie''': Okay, I'm just gonna say it. It sounds like this plan would work a heck of a lot better if Sonic used the Master Emerald to go golden god mode to get the key. :'''Sonic''': No way, Maddie. The Master Emerald is too powerful to ever use again. We made a promise to each other to keep it hidden. :'''Tails''': In a location only Knuckles knows. :'''Knuckles''': As Guardian of the Master Emerald, anyone who tries to take it away for ''any'' reason will become a ''sworn enemy.'' :'''Maddie''': Okay-okay, sheesh, no need to get all growly on me, buddy. :'''Sonic''': You guys are always telling us to make good choices. Well, this is the right choice. :'''Tom''': Okay! I guess we're going to... <hr width=50%> :'''Ivo''': ''[rises out of a manhole, joining Shadow, Stone, and Gerald in an alley as "London Town" by Giggs and Mr. Eazi plays. The G.U.N. headquarters sits across the Thames.]'' London, baby! :'''Shadow''': ''[to Gerald]'' G.U.N. headquarters is right there! Let me go in, get the key, and ''destroy'' anyone in my way! I want revenge! :'''Gerald''': Patience, Shadow. Just let us handle this. And I promise, you'll have revenge... on a scale you can't possibly imagine. :'''Ivo''': C'mon, granddaddio, we've got... dirt to do! ''[to Stone]'' Suits. :'''Stone''': Right here, sir. ''[presents a briefcase with two suits]'' :'''Ivo''': Stone, babysit the hedgehog. Keep the crab on a low boil. ''[to Gerald]'' It's time for more family bonding. ''[takes the suitcase, joins Gerald]'' :'''Stone''': C'mon, Shadow. Got fresh avocados in the crab. We'll make guac. ''[goes down the manhole]'' :'''Shadow''': ''[100% serious]'' ''Revenge'' guac! <hr width=50%> :''[Sonic sits on top of the London Eye capsule and immediately gets impatient, speaking into his comm with his friends and family.]'' :'''Sonic''': Guys? Are you ready for me yet? I've been waiting here ''all day''. :''[Tails flies to the roof of 20 Fenchurch Street, setting up his Miles Electric.]'' :'''Tails''': Sonic, we literally just started! Tom, Maddie, are you in position and ready? :''[On the ground, Tom and Maddie scout G.U.N. HQ with binoculars, dressed in G.U.N. soldier attires.]'' :'''Tom''': We were born ready. :'''Maddie''': Let's do this. :'''Tails''': Knuckles, how 'bout you? :'''Knuckles''': ''[kneels over one of Big Ben's gargoyles]'' I have taken my perch atop the giant clock. Now, where is this glass I'm supposed to break? :'''Sonic''': Actually, Knucks, your job is to "break glass in case of emergency". :'''Knuckles''': Understood. I will ''shatter'' this glass like the jaw of a vile foe. :'''Sonic''': In case of ''emergency.'' :'''Knuckles''': I will ''pulverize'' it like the skull of a loathsome rival! :'''Sonic''': Just to be clear, the ''emergency'' is the important part. :'''Knuckles''': The glass will ''beg'' for mercy under the shadow of my mighty fist! :'''Tom''': Guys, remember, we're a team. Now, let's focus. :'''Maddie''': Please! :'''Sonic''': You know what? Let's move on. :'''Tails''': All right, everyone knows what to do. Tom and Maddie, you guys plant the USB drive. I'll disable the traps. Sonic will snag the launch key. And Knuckles, you stand by to... :'''Knuckles''': ''[eagerly puts his fists together]'' Break glass in case of emergency. :'''Sonic''': See? He gets it. :'''Maddie''': ''[to Tom]'' Then we're all set. :'''Tom''': Hologram time. ''[hands her a Tails-made disguiser]'' You go first. :'''Maddie''': ''[clicks her disguiser, turning her into a hologram version of Rachel, speaking with her voice]'' Tom! It's me, Rachel. Can you believe it? We're both in London together! :'''Tom''': Have you ''met'' your sister? Try again. Unless... you're not up for this mission? Yeah, maybe you wanna be back in Green Hills baking sourdough and-- :'''Maddie''': ''[grabs Tom by the collar, acting abrasive]'' Thomas Michael Wachowski! You brought aliens to my wedding, punched up my husband, and buried me in an avalanche. Your day of reckoning is at hand! (Better?) :'''Tom''': ''[strained, scared]'' Yeah, that's perfect. ''[after being let go]'' Okay, now for her better half. ''[clicks his disguiser, turning into Randall Handel and admires the size of his own arms]'' Hoo-hoo, my name is Randall, and I am too much to "Handel". ''[flexes]'' Welcome to the gun show! ''["Rachel" nods along]'' Baby, would you describe me as jacked, juiced or shredded? :'''Maddie''': I would describe your head as swollen. Let's get to work. <hr width=50%> :''[Tom, disguised as Randall, and Maddie, disguised as Rachel, enter G.U.N. HQ, marching to the agent at the front desk.]'' :'''Tom''': Agent Randall Handel. I'm here to have lunch with my lovely wife Rachel. :'''Front Desk Agent''': Oh, I'm sorry, Agent Handel, this facility's currently locked down. Command-level clearance only. :'''Tom''': One minute. ''[turns away, whispering into her comm]'' Tails, we have a problem here. :'''Tails''': They must've tightened security after Shadow's escape. :'''Maddie''': I got this. ''[to the front desk agent]'' You must be new here. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rachel... Rachel Gonna-Get-You-Fired. Do you know what G.U.N. stands for? :'''Front Desk Agent''': Of course. Guardian Units-- :'''Maddie''': ''[mimics incorrect buzzer]'' Gettin'. Ultra. Nasty. Do ''you'' want ''me''… to get ultra nasty?! Nasty-nasty?!? :'''Front Desk Agent''': No, ma'am. :'''Maddie''': Okay, then. Then go take those little sad fingers and start tippity type-type-typin'! ''[the front desk agent starts typing on the computer]'' Mmm-hmm. That's right, go on. :'''Front Desk Agent''': Sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am. :'''Maddie''': Mmm-hmm... ''That's'' what I ''thought! [passing through]'' My God, I ''love'' being Rachel! <hr width=50%> :''[Tom and Maddie lift their disguises and find the door to the server room. Maddie then disguises herself as Rockwell.]'' :'''Maddie''': Did it work? :'''Tom''': ''[admiring]'' Yeah... ''[Maddie smacks him]'' Ow! :'''Maddie''': ''[inputs a code at the door and speaks into the intercom.]'' Director Rockwell. Seeking access to the server room. :'''Agent's Voice''': Just one moment, ma'am. :''[Just as Tom and Maddie exchange smiles at their success, Tom sees something concerning down the hall.]'' :'''Tom''': Oh, no. No-no-no-no. It's her, it's her, it's the ''real her...!'' :''[Maddie turns around and sees the real Rockwell with a few soldiers walking their way.]'' :'''Rockwell''': ...the incident in Colorado. :'''G.U.N. Soldier''': Still assessing. :'''Rockwell''': What do you mean we're still assessing? :'''Tom''': What do we do? :'''Maddie''': ''[lifting her disguise]'' Quick, change faces! :'''Tom''': Okay. ''[frantically clicks his disguiser, but it instead cartoonishly distorts his face and voice with each click.]'' Did it work? ''[off Maddie's weirded out look]'' What's going on? Why're you looking at me like that? :''[the disguiser changes Tom's face to Sergeant Sprinkles, then the head of Little Tom]'' What am I doin' wrong? ''[the disguiser then changes Tom's face to Ozzy's. Maddie chops the disguiser, changing Tom into Randall again just before Rockwell and the soldiers approach. "Randall" salutes while Maddie turns away and pretends to look occupied.]'' :'''Tom''': Aye-aye, Captain! :''[Rockwell simply gives Tom a look and walks away with the soldiers without breaking stride.]'' :'''Maddie''': "Aye-aye, Captain"?! Who are you, [[Popeye]] (or what)?! :'''Tom''': ''[lifting his disguise]'' I panicked! I was panicking. :'''Maddie''': Geez! Get it together. :''[The door to the server room finally opens.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Sonic''': Are you guys finished yet? This is taking ''for-ev-er''! ''[does the Sonic Unleashed E-Rank emote, falling to his knees and slamming the capsule with his fist, accidentally getting the attention of the people inside.]'' Uh-oh. :'''Knuckles''': Has the time come to break the glass? Or at least break ''something''. <hr width=50%> :'''Tails''': It didn't work. :'''Sonic''': Did you put in the right way? :'''Knuckles''': Try punching it! :'''Tails''': Do ''not'' try punching it! :'''Tom''': Ah! Take it out and blow on it. :'''Maddie''': Yes! :'''Tails''': Oh, come on, Tom. ''[Tom blows into the drive a couple times, letting Maddie have a turn, too.]'' There's absolutely no scientific evidence to support-- ''[Tom puts the drive back in. The server room's lights turn yellow.]'' Never mind, it worked! :'''Tom''': A little trick from the 90s. :'''Maddie''': The best decade ever, right? ''[high-fives Tom]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Ivo''': ''[decloaks]'' The Robotniks have entered the chat. ''[realizes]'' Wait. Poppy seed? Grand geezer...? ''¿Dónde está--?'' :'''Gerald''': I'm right here! ''[decloaks]'' If you weren't family, I could've gut you like a pheasant! ''[rethinks]'' I mean... try to keep up. <hr width=50%> :''[Ivo's crab waits in the sewers. A familiar soap opera plays inside.]'' :'''TV Announcer''': And now back to... ''La Última Pasión.'' :'''Gabriella''': ''Última Pasión'' can only belong to one. :'''Juan''': No... it can only belong... to ''Juan!'' :''[reveals Shadow watching the show (and making memes come true) while Stone whips up some guac.]'' :'''Shadow''': Gabriella should kill them both. She's not a prize to be won. :'''Stone''': Kill this, murder that... You need to lighten up, Shadow. We're about to rule the world. :'''Shadow''': When we're done, there won't be anything left to rule. :'''Stone''': That is ''dark,'' even for you. What are you and the professor up to? <hr width=50%> :'''Gerald''': What now, my cunning cohort? :'''Ivo''': Just a little teamwork...! :'''Gerald''': Hey... The lasers... don't seem to be penetrating my suit. They're conforming to the shape of my bodacious bod. :'''Ivo''': Of course. I designed these suits to create a field of laser-bending thermal distortion. Wasn't sure it would work 'til now. :'''Gerald''': You're heartless, son. :'''Ivo''': Hmm. :'''Gerald''': Rotten to the core. :'''Ivo''': Mm-hmm. :'''Gerald''': I'm... so proud. So, now we can just dance right through. :'''Ivo''': That sounds like a challenge. <hr width=50%> :'''Tails''': The Robotniks are almost at the vault! :'''Sonic''': We're outta time. I'm going. :'''Tails''': No, Sonic! I haven't disabled the traps yet! :'''Sonic''': ''[loops around the London Eye and launches straight off]'' Too late! ''[hits the ground running]'' Look at me, I'm running on the wrong side of the road! ''[as the force field around G.U.N. HQ begins to build, Sonic, (de)touring London faster than the eye can see, dashes past Trafalgar Square]'' Oh, I gotta take in the sights. ''[He recreates the Beatles' album cover with his afterimages at Abbey Road...]'' Paul, John, George, the other one! ''[...spins up the Shaftesbury Memorial Fountain at Piccadilly Circus...]'' Loud American coming through! ''[...runs through Buckingham Palace one room at a time...]'' 'Scuse me! Pardon me! 'Ello, guv'nor! Which way to Hogwarts? ''[...comes out with a king's crown, coat, and scepter, along with a teacup...]'' Hear ye, hear ye, Sonic the Hedgehog wants a cuppa tea! ''[...and leaves them on an unsuspecting King's guardsman...]'' Hold this for me, please. ''[...before finally heading for G.U.N. HQ.]'' :'''Tails''': You're not gonna make it! :'''Sonic''': I can make it. ''[boosts forward and speeds up along the Tower Bridge, launching high in the sky.]'' :'''Knuckles''': You're not going to make it! :'''Sonic''': I can make it! ''[dives toward G.U.N. HQ, almost fully shielded]'' I'm not gonna make it. I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT! ''[Suddenly, Tails flies in, spinning Sonic around and throwing him through the shield before it closes.]'' Made it! :'''Tails''': Woo! :'''Sonic''': ''[runs into the lobby and up the stairs]'' Excuse me, comin' through! No time for autographs, gotta go, bye! <hr width=50%> :'''Ivo''': Our destiny awaits. :'''Sonic''': Stop right there, robo-scum! :'''Ivo''': Let's do this...! :'''Gerald''': Copy! :''[The Robotniks run into the vault, but a couple floor panels turn red and pull them to the floor.]'' :'''Sonic''': Too slow, Eggmen. Now if you don't mind, I gotta get that key-- ''[another floor panel turns green, suspending him off the ground]'' Whoa! My feet! Why can't I use my beautiful feet? :'''Rockwell''': Because... ''[walks in, holding the controls]'' this vault is armed with variable gravity. :'''Gerald''': No kidding? :'''Rockwell''': Green goes up, and red takes you down, ''hard.'' :'''Sonic''': Rockwell, listen to me. The Robotniks are planning to-- :'''Rockwell''': ''[spitefully flicks Sonic]'' Oh, they're planning on stealing the second key, just like you are? Yes, I'm aware. ''[pulls the key]'' I called it the second Commander Walters was attacked, so... thank you for taking the bait and falling right into my trap. :'''Ivo''': I don't believe this. :'''Gerald''': I know, grandson. A ''woman'' in the military. <hr width=50%> :''[G.U.N. soldiers bring Tom, Maddie, and Tails into the vault. They find Sonic and the Robotniks trapped by Rockwell and the vault's variable gravity.]'' :'''Tom''': Robotnik. Goin' full spandex, huh? ''(re: Gerald)'' Who's the fossil? :'''Ivo''': That's my grandfather, you dough-eating ''dim''-becile! :'''Gerald''': ''(re: Tom and Maddie)'' Who are they? :'''Ivo''': A couple of bleeding hearts, here to rescue their emotional support animals. :'''Rockwell''': Enough! It's over. The only way you're leaving here is in handcuffs. There is no other way out. :'''Sonic''': You know, there might be ''one'' other way out. :'''Rockwell''': And what is that supposed to mean? :'''Sonic''': ''[on Knuckles' comm]'' Hey, big guy, I think it's time to... :'''Knuckles''': ''[launches off the face of Big Ben, propelled forward by the Flames of Disaster]'' Break glass in case of emergency! ''[glides straight through G.U.N. HQ's energy shield and breaks into the vault, roaring and slamming his flaming fist down against the floor. The resulting shockwave blasts Rockwell back, and Knuckles snags the vault's gravity controls from her.]'' Ha! Nothing can stop Team Knuckles! :'''Rockwell''': Open fire! :''[The soldiers obey, firing on Sonic, who frantically flips over their shots.]'' :'''Sonic''': Knuckles, turn this stuff off! Hurry! :'''Knuckles''': ''[thumbs up]'' On it! ''[smashes the controls with his fist. The controls turn all red, forming an X-eyed frowny face]'' Uh-oh. :''[Tails facepalms as the vault's gravity goes haywire, randomly sending soldiers up and down.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[As Rockwell hurries rounds a corner with the second key, she sees Tom (disgusted as Walters) with a cast down the hall, much to her surprise]'' :'''Rockwell''': Commander Walters, sir. You're... :'''"Walters"''': Still alive? I'll die before I let that key fall into the wrong hands. ''[Rockwell walks up]'' Thanks for keeping it safe. I'll take from here. :''[Rockwell instinctively feels that something seems off...]'' :'''"Walters"''': That's an ''order'', Director Rockwell. ''[...but she can't refuse handing him the key]'' Now, organize the reinforcements. :'''Rockwell''': Yes, sir. ''[marches off]'' :'''Tom''': ''[exits the corridor, clicks his disguiser and briefly changes to normal to radio the others with his real voice]'' Guys, guys, I got the key. I repeat, I got the key. Now, let's get outta here. ''[changes back into Walters, but suddenly Shadow crashes down from the ceiling]'' :'''Shadow''': ''[vengefully]'' Commander Walters! :'''Tom''': No, no, no, wait! :''[Shadow teleports and delivers a Chaos energy-infused punch, knocking Tom unconscious. As Shadow takes the dropped second key, the disguiser deactivates and changes Tom back, much to Shadow's confusion]'' :'''Shadow''': What? :'''Sonic''': ''[running in]'' Tom, everyone's clear! Come on, let's go! ''[sees Shadow]'' You. What are you...? ''[sees an unconscious Tom]'' Tom! ''[runs over to Tom on the floor, trying to wake him up; voice breaking]'' Tom, what happened? Speak to me, come on. Come on, come on, come on, it's going to be okay. Please, please, please, get up. Come on, please, wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up, come on. Wake up, wake up, wake up, ''wake up!'' :'''Shadow''': ''[watches, reminded of when he was in the same position as Maria after she was killed by the explosion; in a flashback]'' Maria... :'''Sonic''': ''[to Shadow; angrily]'' What did you do?! :'''Shadow''': ''[looks at the key, remembers the mission, and steels himself]'' What I had to. ''[teleports away as Maddie, Tails, and Knuckles run inside]'' :'''Maddie''': Oh, my God, Tom! ''[the trio heads over to Tom's unconscious body]'' <hr width=50%> :''[In the Eclipse Cannon, Gerald waits in his new suit while Ivo finishes putting on his own.]'' :'''Ivo''': ♪ I'm a chip off the old block, I'm a chip off the old block, I'm a chip off the old block... ♪ ''[suddenly, "E.G.G.M.A.N." rings from his suit, makes a phone sign with his hand and speaks into his glove.]'' What do you want, Stone? I'm busy. :''[Stone talks into his smartphone back outside by the Thames.]'' :'''Stone''': Doctor, I have a bad feeling about this. I don't think your grandfather's been completely honest with us. Something Shadow said... There's more to their plan. :'''Ivo''': How ''dare'' you... You've been jealous of my long-lost grand pop-tart since the very beginning! I no longer require your obsequious groveling. Consider this your notice of termination. Your letter of reference will be L for "loser." Of course, I'll expect you to stay on until you've been successfully cloned, but ''you and I are done!'' Like a blackened catfish dinner! :'''Stone''': Sir, it's too dangerous, and I'm not there to protect you! I already lost you once, I...! :'''Ivo''': ''[hanging up]'' Unsubscribe. Blocked and reported. :'''Stone''': ...I can't lose you again. <hr width=50%> :'''Tails''': It'll be okay, Sonic. :'''Sonic''': It'll be okay? Tom is fighting for his life, and you think it'll be okay? :'''Knuckles''': The fox is simply trying to comfort you. :'''Sonic''': Comfort's not what I need right now. I need to stop them. By any means necessary. :'''Tails''': Wait, you don't mean...? :'''Sonic''': The Master Emerald. :'''Knuckles''': The emerald must never be wielded for vengeance. Not ever. We swore a sacred oath. :'''Sonic''': Don't talk to me about oaths, not now. :'''Tails''': But you told Tom using the emerald wasn't the right choice. :'''Sonic''': Well, now it's the ''only'' choice! And if neither of you have the guts to help me, then I'll do it alone. :'''Tails''': But I thought the three of us were a team! I thought that's what made us special! :'''Sonic''': I'm not asking you twice, Knuckles. ''[powers his fists]'' Where is the Master Emerald?! :'''Knuckles''': ''[also powers his fists]'' Your heart is being consumed by anger, hedgehog. You are in no condition to make decisions right now. :'''Tails''': I know you're upset about Tom. We all are! :'''Sonic''': Last chance. Where... ''[his eyes glow blue with rage]'' '''is it?!''' :'''Knuckles''': ''[his eyes glow red with anger]'' Don't do this. ''[then hesitantly calms down a moment later]'' Part of our oath is to trust each other, and I must abide by that promise even if you have chosen to break it. But heed this warning. The Master Emerald is guarded by a fearsome warrior, and to seize this ultimate power, you will have to go… ''through him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Ivo''': ''[along with Gerald watching Shadow running at super-speed around the Cannon's core.]'' Excuse me, Grampasadoble. What is that thermonuclear gerbil doing? :'''Gerald''': Infusing the core with Chaos Energy. That's my little secret: the Eclipse Cannon is about to turn this planet into a flaming pile of rubble, wiping out everything in a 25,000-mile radius... including us. :'''Ivo''': '''WHAT?!''' ''[laughing incredulously]'' We can't annihilate the Earth! By combining our genius, we can rule humanity. Together! :'''Gerald''': Humanity is a failed experiment. If anyone should know that, it's you. All your life, you've been rejected by this world. You have nothing down there... no one who cares about you. :'''Ivo''': But I have ''you'' now. We're family... we have each other. :'''Gerald''': ''[coldly]'' Oh, Ivo... '''you're no Maria.''' The moment I lost her, my family was gone forever. The only way to give Maria's life meaning is to destroy the world that took her from me... '''so I'm ''BURNING IT ALL DOWN!''' :'''Shadow''': ''[teleports back down]'' It's done. :'''Gerald''': Good work, Shadow. I'm prepping the firing sequence. ''[flicks a switch]'' The weapon will be fully charged in ten minutes. :'''Shadow''': ''[puts his hand to the window, and looks out at Earth below]'' It's almost finished, Maria. You ''will'' have justice. ''[then notices a golden light flying up from the planet]'' :'''Gerald''': What is that? :'''Shadow''': Is G.U.N. launching missiles at us? :'''Gerald''': Impossible. It's moving too fast. :'''Ivo''': ''[takes out Sonic's quill, which changes from blue to gold before his eyes; realizing]'' It's ''him''. :''[The light, revealing to be Super Sonic, blitzes Shadow straight out of the Eclipse Cannon, leaving a hole in the glass window. A metal door seals the hole before the Robotniks can be pulled into space.]'' :'''Super Sonic''': ''[enraged]'' YOU'VE HURT MY FAMILY! THIS ENDS ''NOW!'' :'''Shadow''': Now you know ''my'' anger. The pain I felt for ''fifty years!'' And you’ve made the same choice I did. :'''Super Sonic''': I'M NOTHING LIKE YOU! :'''Shadow''': We'll see. :''[Super Sonic and Shadow re-enter the atmosphere and crash-land in a volcanic region, creating a crater upon impact. Once the dust clears, Super Sonic notices that Shadow has vanished.]'' :'''Super Sonic''': SHOW YOURSELF, COWARD! :''[Shadow shows himself behind Super Sonic and knocks the Chaos Emeralds out of him, reverting Sonic to his base form. They see the Emeralds falling in the air and both make a mad dash for them at the same time. A pillar of golden light shoots up from the Emeralds, and when it leaves, Sonic sees that he has regained his Super form... but Shadow has also gained his for the first time, his limiter rings glowing with power and his fur whitish gold. Super Sonic tries to punch Super Shadow, but the latter effortlessly blocks, the impact causing the earth to crack beneath their feet.]'' :'''Super Shadow''': You were right about one thing... This ends ''NOW.'' :''[Super Shadow strikes back at Super Sonic, and an epic battle between the two enraged, godlike hedgehogs begins. The Robotniks watch the fight unfold around the world from the Eclipse Cannon.]'' :'''Gerald''': What's happening? Where are they? :'''Ivo''': ''[points up]'' Up there. :'''Gerald''': ''[looks up]'' Where? :'''Ivo''': Higher. :'''Gerald''': ''[looks higher]'' Hmm? :''[Ivo chops Gerald in the neck, causing the latter to fall in pain]'' :'''Gerald''': Ah! :'''Ivo''': Left yourself open. ''[runs for the Cannon's controls]'' :'''Gerald''': ''[enraged; as Ivo betrays him]'' Ivo! What are you doing?! :'''Ivo''': Thwarting your evil plan! :''[Gerald catches up to him with a nano jetpack. Both Robotniks begin fighting each other, and they start by grabbing each other's mustaches.]'' :'''Both''': ''[screaming]'' WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA! OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW! :'''Ivo''': Not the mustache! :'''Gerald''': Agreed! :'''Ivo''': Let go on three. One, two, three! ''[they both let go and shake their mustaches before Gerald creates a giant fist out of nanobots]'' Ooooh... A nanofist. I haven't seen that since I hate-watched ''[[Green Lantern (film)|Green Lantern]]'' in 2011! :'''Gerald''': I was saving it for Comic-Con. But now there won't ''be'' a Comic-Con! ''[slaps Ivo which sends him flying]'' :''[Super Sonic and Super Shadow continue their fight all the way to Greece. Super Shadow teleports behind Super Sonic and kicks him down into the Parthenon]'' :'''Super Shadow''': Why are you alone? Where are your friends? ''[Super Sonic merely grunts in pain.]'' They tried to stop you, didn't they? But you came anyway. Your anger was too much. What kind of hero abandons his ''friends'' to pursue revenge? Abandons his ''family?'' :'''Super Sonic''': Don't you ''dare'' talk about my family! :'''Super Shadow''': And here I thought you cared for them. Especially the one... What's his name? ''Tom?'' :'''Super Sonic''': '''''HYNAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!''''' :''[With rage boiling over, Super Sonic punches Super Shadow so hard that he sends him flying out of Earth and straight to the moon, knocking him out of his Super form. Super Sonic charges after him, grabs him by the chest fur, and poises his fist to deliver the final blow.]'' :'''Shadow''': Go ahead! '''''Finish it!''' [Super Sonic pants heavily and prepares to hit, but hesitates]'' What are you waiting for?! Do it! ''[points at his heart]'' I’m right here! :''[Super Sonic's eyes widen, remembering Tom's words in the old cave]'' :'''Tom''': You didn't let your pain change who you are... ''[points at Sonic's heart]'' in here. :'''Super Sonic''': ''[calms down and lets Shadow go, looking at himself with remorse]'' This is not who I am. :'''Shadow''': What are you doing? You won. Take your revenge. :'''Sonic''': ''[reverts to base form, sits down sadly]'' There are no winners with revenge. :''[The two hedgehogs sit in somber silence. Shadow looks up at the stars.]'' :'''Maria''': ''[echoing in Shadow's mind] Wow. Look at all those stars. They're like diamonds.'' :'''Shadow''': The last time I sat beneath stars like this, I was with her. I've felt this pain for so long, it's all I know. :'''Sonic''': When I lost Longclaw, I felt the same way. :'''Shadow''': Did your pain eventually go away? :'''Sonic''': No. But in time, I learned there's something more powerful than pain. The love we felt for each other. That's what you need to hold on to, Shadow. Maria might be gone, but your love will always remain. :''[at that moment, the sun peaks out from behind Earth, illuminating them both]'' :'''Shadow''': The light shines, even though the star is gone. ''[Sonic sees Shadow's understanding, along with the Eclipse Cannon still looming over the planet in the distance]'' This whole mess is my fault. I've been so blinded by rage, I thought... I had no choice. :'''Sonic''': ''[stands up, offers his hand]'' You ''always'' have a choice. ''[Shadow thinks for a second, then takes Sonic's hand and gets back up]'' Making the right one is never easy. One more thing I learned, is that when you ''really'' screw something up... you can't fix it on your own. :''[As a familiar tune begins to play, Shadow smiles for the first time in fifty years. The two hedgehogs transform into their Super forms once more, preparing for the final battle.]'' :'''Super Sonic''': Gotta go fast! :'''Super Shadow''': Don't tell me you've got a catchphrase. :'''Super Sonic''': That's right, new hedgehog, and everyone loves it! :''[at long last, the vocals of Crush 40's "Live and Learn" kick in, and Super Sonic and Super Shadow launch off the moon together toward the Eclipse Cannon]'' :'''Gerald''': ''[spanking Ivo with his nanofist]'' I... will... not... try... to stop... my... elders... from... destroying... the... world! :''[Ivo makes a nano drill and drives it into Gerald's foot, who shouts in pain and relents, so Ivo rolls away and gets to his feet]'' Playtime is over! ''[makes a pair of nano scorpion pincers and a tail, the latter destroying the Eclipse Cannon controls]'' :'''Gerald''': There's no going back now! :'''Ivo''': ''[to his glove]'' Set up defense. ''[accidentally makes a fence]'' Damn you, autocorrect! ''[Gerald lunges to attack with his pincers;'' ''to his glove]'' Mantis. ''[makes a pair of mantis blades, hovering around Gerald's next attack via mantis wings.]'' I'm right here, arach-nerd. ''[Gerald lunges again, but Ivo catches his pincer with one mantis blade and slices off part of his mustache with the other.]'' Hahahahaaa! That's what I call "mantiscaping". :'''Gerald''': ''[furious]'' That's '''ELDER ABUSE!''' :''[He prepares his pincers for another attack, only to spin around and whip Ivo off the platform with his scorpion tail. Ivo hangs on the edge, but before Gerald can finish him off, the Eclipse Cannon's alarm and computer voice divert his attention.]'' :'''Computer''': ''[repeating]'' Alert. :'''Gerald''': ''[retracts his nano weapons and sees Super Sonic and Super Shadow on the monitor]'' Shadow, I see you've chosen betrayal. And you were once so useful to me. <hr width=50%> :'''Super Sonic''': Ready to recycle some tin cans? :'''Super Shadow''': Just try to keep up. <hr width=50%> :'''Ivo''': ''[hanging over the Eclipse Cannon's hatch]'' Please, Grampsy! Don't do this. :'''Gerald''': Sorry, kiddo. "Bring Your Grandkid to Work Day" is over. ''[opens the hatch, causing Ivo to hold on for dear life]'' Any last words? :'''Ivo''': Just... one thing... that I never thought I’d say. :'''Gerald''': What is it? ''[mockingly]'' "I love you"? :'''Ivo''': No. It was something even better, but I'm not gonna say it if that's the way you're gonna be! :'''Gerald''': ''[nonchalantly]'' 'Kay. Bye. :''[He stomps on Ivo’s hand, sending him falling.] :'''Ivo''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAHHH!''''' :'''Gerald''': ''[laughs evilly and sighs]'' Grandchildren. All the fun and none of the responsibility. :''[However, Ivo flies back inside, carrying Knuckles and being carried by Tails through their ring, while holding Super Sonic's glowing quill]'' :'''Ivo''': Who said life was pointless? :'''Gerald''': ''[shocked]'' Huh? :'''Ivo''': ''[sneers]'' Oh, right. ''You'' did. ''[uses the quill to zap Gerald behind, sending him flying into the energy field, disintegrating and killing him instantly]'' :'''Gerald''': '''AAH!''' :'''Tails''': Whoo-hoo! :'''Knuckles''': Victory! :'''Ivo''': Say what you want about my granddad... He made one hell of a bug zapper. ''[blows on the quill and tosses it aside]'' :'''Tails''': We've gotta stop that laser! :'''Ivo''': I knew there was ''something'' I was forgetting. <hr width=50%> :'''Super Shadow''': We're out of time! The cannon is about to fire! Where are you? :'''Super Sonic''': Oh, you know, just makin' friends. ''[flies in Super Shadow's direction, the last of the G.U.N. hunters rounded up and chasing him.]'' They're all yours! ''[Super Shadow unleashes dozens of Chaos Spears and destroys the Hunters. Now unimpeded, the two hedgehogs head for the Eclipse Cannon.]'' Follow me! ''[they enter the Eclipse Cannon's line of fire just as the timer reaches zero.]'' Now, this might hurt a little! :''[The Eclipse Cannon fires, but they struggle to block the beam with Super Sonic's energy.]'' :'''Super Shadow''': So, ''this'' was your plan?! :'''Super Sonic''': ''[grunts]'' Would someone mind shutting down the giant death ray?! <hr width=50%> :''[The Eclipse Cannon is about to blow, but Eggman tries to stabilize it. After containing some explosions, he deploys a camera drone and makes an announcement.]'' :'''Eggman''': This is Dr. Ivo Robotnik, dedicating my final livestream to one very special henchman... ''[on a London jumbotron]'' Agent Stone. :'''Stone''': No, no. Doctor, wait! :'''Eggman''': If I can't rule the world, I might as well save it, for the one and only person who ever cared about me... :'''Stone''': ''[pleadingly]'' Don't do this, Doctor, please! :'''Eggman''': Stone, you were more than a sycophant to me. You were... a syco-''friend.'' ''[Stone tears up]'' I'll miss your lattes with steamed Austrian goat milk. I love the way you make 'em! ''[Stone smiles emotionally]'' So, I guess there's only one thing left to say. ''[makes robotic noises and movements]'' It's been a real drag! Thanks for nothing. ''[the explosion seemingly engulfs both Eggman ''and'' Shadow as the Eclipse Cannon finally blows up.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Tails''': Sonic, look. ''[they look and saw the explosion up in the sky]'' Shadow and Robotnik. They sacrificed themselves to save everyone. :'''Sonic''': You always have a choice. Guys, I'm really sorry for running off like that. I shouldn't have left you behind. The truth is... you're the best teammates a hedgehog could ever ask for. And the best friends. Can you ever forgive me? ''[Knuckles ponders for a moment before raising his fist up for a fist-bump]'' :'''Knuckles''': Team Sonic? :'''Sonic''': ''[smiles and hugs Knuckles instead]'' How about just "team"? :''[the three all hug together]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Sonic''': And way out in front, to the surprise of absolutely no one, it's the Blue Blur, often imitated, never duplicated, the one, the only– :'''Knuckles''': ''[punches through a tree]'' Let's do this! :'''Tails''': Yeah! ''[activates a winged jetpack]'' Ha-ha-ha! :'''Sonic''': All right, boys, try and keep up! :''[the team races off into the sunset in high spirits.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Sonic arrives at what he thinks is the finish line for his race]'' :'''Sonic''': Sonic the Hedgehog is Family Champion once again! ''[looks around]'' Tails, Knuckles...? ''[sees a sign for the New York State Park]'' Okay... Yeah, I overshot the finish line. ''[a crack of lightning appears behind Sonic, revealing a look-like robot of himself (Metal Sonic) crouching in a Terminator-like fashion. His eyes light up, and he starts to walk towards Sonic]'' Okay, so how do I get back...? ''[Metal Sonic starts charging his arm cannon before firing it at Sonic and destroying a part of the forest. He then looks around and sees that Sonic is still alive]'' Pro tip: if you're gonna take a shot at the fastest creature in the universe... ''[punches Metal with a chaos energy-infused punch, knocking him back]'' …you better not miss. ''[Metal readjusts his hands and head to face Sonic]'' Uh, I'm flattered by the cosplay, but you got a few details wrong. ''[Metal's eyes narrow]'' I can't blame ya, though. It's hard to copy perfection. ''[suddenly, several red eyes light up in the background, revealed to be a surrounding squadron of silver Metal Sonics]'' That's a neat trick. ''[the Metal squad charges at Sonic, but before they can reach him, a hammer enveloped in pink energy comes in and slams them one-by-one. The hammer then flies back to a hooded figure jumping in before the broken moon, who smashes the last remaining one]'' What? Who are you?! :''[the figure removes its hood, revealing itself to be a pink female hedgehog (Amy Rose), who smiles confidently at him.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Meanwhile, in an undisclosed field, one of Shadow's inhibitor rings lies in a crater, smoking. Suddenly, Shadow's hand reaches down and picks it up, revealing he's alive.]'' ==Deleted scenes== ''(during the scene where Sonic, Tails and Knuckles encounter an overweight Robotnik)'' :'''Agent Stone''': He's also become a very big fan of telenovelas after his multiple surgeries in Mexico. ''(flashback plays, showcasing the aftermath of Robotnik's defeat in the previous movie; voice over)'' He broke every bone and punctured every organ in his body when he fell off that mech. ''(in the flashback, Stone carried Robotnik in his shoulders, and nursed him to health. Cut to present)'' :'''Robotnik''': Steam sales aren't covered by my insurance. But it doesn't matter, anymore. My days of evil-doing are over. == Cast == *'''[[w:Ben Schwartz|Ben Schwartz]]''' — Voice of [[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic]] *'''[[Jim Carrey]]''' — [[w:Doctor Eggman|Ivo]] and [[w:List of Sonic the Hedgehog characters#Professor Gerald Robotnik|Gerald]] Robotnik *'''[[Keanu Reeves]]''' — Voice of [[w:Shadow the Hedgehog|Shadow]] *'''[[Idris Elba]]''' — Voice of [[w:Knuckles the Echidna|Knuckles]] *'''[[w:Colleen O'Shaughnessey|Colleen O'Shaughnessey]]''' — Voice of [[w:Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog)|Tails]] *'''[[w:James Marsden|James Marsden]]''' — [[w:List of Sonic the Hedgehog characters#Tom and Maddie Wachowski|Tom Wachowski]] *'''[[w:Shemar Moore|Shemar Moore]]''' — Randall Handel *'''[[w:Tika Sumpter|Tika Sumpter]]''' — [[w:List of Sonic the Hedgehog characters#Tom and Maddie Wachowski|Maddie Wachowski]] *'''[[w:Natasha Rothwell|Natasha Rothwell]]''' — Rachel *'''[[w:Lee Majdoub|Lee Majdoub]]''' — Agent Stone *'''[[Krysten Ritter]]''' — Director Rockwell *'''[[w:Adam Pally|Adam Pally]]''' — Wade Whipple *'''[[w:Alyla Browne|Alyla Browne]]''' — [[w:List of Sonic the Hedgehog characters#Maria Robotnik|Maria Robotnik]] *'''[[w:Tom Butler (actor)|Tom Butler]]''' — Commander Walters *'''[[w:James Wolk|James Woll]]''' — Commander Walters (young) == External links == {{wikipedia|Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (film)}} *{{Commonscat-inline|Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (film)}} {{Sonic the Hedgehog}} [[Category:2024 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Japanese computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]] [[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog]] [[Category:Reboot films]] [[Category:American robot films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Films based on video games]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films based on video games]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Animated films about foxes]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[Category:Films set in Japan]] [[Category:Films set in Tokyo]] [[Category:Films set in Montana]] [[Category:Films set in London]] [[Category:Films based on Sonic the Hedgehog]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Buddy films]] [[Category:Films about child death]] m68kv3mbq6mxtm4aosiy71nj8fakfcm 0 284578 3944178 3944107 2026-05-22T13:34:29Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944178 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (1997)]]''''' (pre-produced 1993-2002, produced: 1996-2002, aired: 1997-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2006; produced: 2005-2006, aired: 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2006-2011; produced: 2009-2011, aired: 2010-2011 (second revival) (classic) (original); pre-produced: 1996-2003, produced: 1999-2003, aired: 2000-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2007; produced: 2005-2007; 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2009-2013; produced: 2012-2013; aired: 2013 (second revival) (official) (PBS)) is a French (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-English (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003-2007, 2006, 2010-2011)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Afrikaans (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Zulu (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Xhosa (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tswana (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tsonga (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Swati (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Venda (Season 5) (2010-2011) language Canadian (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Quebecois (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-American (Seasons 2-4) (2000-2003, 2006-2007)-Mandarin Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Hong Kong Cantonese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-South African (Season 5) (2010-2011) preschool 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Season 1) (1997-1998)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003))/2D Flash animation (Seasons 4-5) (2006-2007, 2010-2011) (Adobe Flash (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Professional (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Player (Season 4) (2006-2007))/Toon Boom Animation (Season 5) (2010-2011) (Toon Boom Harmony (Season 5) (2010-2011))/Cutout animation (Season 5) (2010-2011)/Puppet animation (Season 5) (2010-2011))-live-action (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) educational television series where an imaginative 4-year old boy learns lessons and searches around him. The show was produced by Caillou Productions (Season 1) (1997-1998)/Four Me Productions (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003), a subsidiary of CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and 9161-0345 Quebec (Season 5) (2010-2011), a subsidiary corporation of Sardine Productions (Season 5) (2010-2011) in Canada, and Quebec, and was co-produced by Shanghai Animation Film Studio (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Mainland China, and Animation Services (Hong Kong), Ltd. (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Hong Kong, and later Clockwork Zoo (Season 5) (2010-2011) in South Africa, and was distributed by CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and was aired on Teletoon (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, and English, in Canada, and in French, in Quebec, Tele-Quebec (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Citytv (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006), and CTV Television Network (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in English, in Canada, and later on TFO (Mega TFO) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and TV5 Quebec Canada (Season 5) (2010-2011) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Global Television Network (Season 5) (2010-2011), TVOntario/TVO (TVOKids) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and Treehouse TV (Season 5) (2010-2011) in English, in Canada, and later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-6) (2000-2003, 2006-2007, 2013) (PBS Kids Go! (Seasons 3-6) (2006-2007, 2013), and PBS Kids Preschool Block (Seasons 4-6) (2006-2007, 2013)) in English, in the United States, and was debuted on September 15, 1997, and ended on January 18, 2002, for the original series, for the classic series, for the original series, and was later debuted on January 13, 2006, and ended on January 22, 2006, for the first revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and then was debuted on September 11, 2010, and ended on September 23, 2010, for the second revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and later debuted on September 4, 2000, and ended on January 5, 2003, for the original series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and was later debuted on April 1, 2006, and ended on September 28, 2006, for the first revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and then was debuted March 11, 2013, and ended on March 17, 2013, for the second revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, but adults (for banned/censored episodes), and from ages 2 to 5, but from ages 18 to 21 (for banned/censored episodes).<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou's New Adventures]]''''' (2016-2023) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois preschool 2D animated (2D Flash animation) educational web series. The show was produced by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was distributed by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was streamed on YouTube (YouTube Kids (Seasons 1-5) (2016-2023), and WildBrain (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019)), and was debuted on November 24, 2016, and ended on August 18, 2023, for the third revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5.<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (2024)]]''''' (2022 (specials), 2024 (series)) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois-British-American-French preschool 3D animated (3D CGI animation) educational television series reboot. The show was produced by Mainframe Studios in Canada, and Quebec, and Splash Entertainment in the United States, and the United Kingdom, Cyber Group Studios in France, Cyber Group Studios USA in the United States, and CyberSplash Entertainment in France, the United States, the United Kingdom, Italy, and Singapore, was aired on Peacock (Peacock Kids) in English, in the United States, and Family Jr. in English, in Canada, and Telemagino in French, and in Canada, and Quebec, and was debuted on February 15, 2024, and ended on December 5, 2024, for the reboot, and fourth revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5. ==Seasons== ===Original series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)=== ====Classic series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)==== =====Original series (1997-2003)===== * [[Caillou (Season 1)|Season 1]] (1997-1998) * [[Caillou (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2002-2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) =====Revival series (2006, 2010-2011)===== ======First revival series (2006)====== * [[Caillou (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) ======Second revival series (2010-2011)====== * [[Caillou (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2010-2011) ===PBS series (2000-2003 (Original), 2006-2007, 2013 (Revival))=== ====Original series (2000-2003)==== * [[Caillou (Season 1) (PBS)|Season 1]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 2) (PBS)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3) (PBS)|Season 3]] (2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) ====Revival series (2006-2013)==== =====First revival series (2006-2007)===== * [[Caillou (Season 4) (PBS)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) * [[Caillou (Season 5) (PBS)|Season 5]] (2006-2007) =====Second revival series (2013)===== * [[Caillou (Season 6) (PBS)|Season 6]] (2013) ===Third revival series (2016-2023)=== ====Caillou's New Adventures (2016-2023)==== * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2016-2018) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2018-2019) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2019-2020) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2020-2021) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2022-2023) ===Reboot series (2022, 2024)=== ====Fourth revival series (2022, 2024)==== * [[Caillou: Rosie the Giant]] (2022) * [[Caillou: Adventures with Grandma and Grandpa]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Bravest Wolf Boy]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Silver Knight]] (2022) * [[Caillou's Perfect Christmas]] (2022) * [[Caillou (2024) (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2024) ==External links== * {{IMDb title|id=0262153|title=Caillou}} m2fqexghstiia4i66gv4xxy1aj0e4em 3944179 3944178 2026-05-22T13:37:54Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944179 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (1997)]]''''' (pre-produced 1993-2002, produced: 1996-2002, aired: 1997-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2006; produced: 2005-2006, aired: 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2006-2011; produced: 2009-2011, aired: 2010-2011 (second revival) (classic) (original); pre-produced: 1996-2003, produced: 1999-2003, aired: 2000-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2007; produced: 2005-2007; 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2009-2013; produced: 2012-2013; aired: 2013 (second revival) (official) (PBS)) is a French (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-English (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003-2007, 2006, 2010-2011)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Afrikaans (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Zulu (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Xhosa (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tswana (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tsonga (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Swati (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Venda (Season 5) (2010-2011) language Canadian (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Quebecois (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-American (Seasons 2-4) (2000-2003, 2006-2007)-Mandarin Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Hong Kong Cantonese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-South African (Season 5) (2010-2011) preschool 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Season 1) (1997-1998)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003))/2D Flash animation (Seasons 4-5) (2006-2007, 2010-2011) (Adobe Flash (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Professional (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Player (Season 4) (2006-2007))/Toon Boom Animation (Season 5) (2010-2011) (Toon Boom Harmony (Season 5) (2010-2011))/Cutout animation (Season 5) (2010-2011)/Puppet animation (Season 5) (2010-2011))-live-action (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) educational television series where an imaginative 4-year old boy learns lessons and searches around him. The show was produced by Caillou Productions (Season 1) (1997-1998)/Four Me Productions (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003), a subsidiary of CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and 9161-0345 Quebec (Season 5) (2010-2011), a subsidiary corporation of Sardine Productions (Season 5) (2010-2011) in Canada, and Quebec, and was co-produced by Shanghai Animation Film Studio (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Mainland China, and Animation Services (Hong Kong), Ltd. (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Hong Kong, and later Clockwork Zoo (Season 5) (2010-2011) in South Africa, and was distributed by CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and was aired on Teletoon (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, and English, in Canada, and in French, in Quebec, Tele-Quebec (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Citytv (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006), and CTV Television Network (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in English, in Canada, and later on TFO (Mega TFO) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and TV5 Quebec Canada (Season 5) (2010-2011) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Global Television Network (Season 5) (2010-2011), TVOntario/TVO (TVOKids) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and Treehouse TV (Season 5) (2010-2011) in English, in Canada, and later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-6) (2000-2003, 2006-2007, 2013) (PBS Kids Go! (Seasons 3-6) (2006-2007, 2013), and PBS Kids Preschool Block (Seasons 4-6) (2006-2007, 2013)) in English, in the United States, and was debuted on September 15, 1997, and ended on January 18, 2002, for the original series, for the classic series, for the original series, and was later debuted on January 13, 2006, and ended on January 22, 2006, for the first revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and then was debuted on September 11, 2010, and ended on September 23, 2010, for the second revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and later debuted on September 4, 2000, and ended on January 5, 2003, for the original series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and was later debuted on April 1, 2006, and ended on September 28, 2006, for the first revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and then was debuted March 11, 2013, and ended on March 17, 2013, for the second revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, but adults (for banned/censored episodes), and from ages 2 to 5, but from ages 18 to 21 (for banned/censored episodes).<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou's New Adventures]]''''' (2016-2023) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois preschool 2D animated (2D Flash animation) educational web series. The show was produced by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was distributed by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was streamed on YouTube (YouTube Kids (Seasons 1-5) (2016-2023), and WildBrain (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019)), and was debuted on November 24, 2016, and ended on August 18, 2023, for the third revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5.<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (2024)]]''''' (2022 (specials), 2024 (series)) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois-British-American-French preschool 3D animated (3D CGI animation) educational television series reboot. The show was produced by Mainframe Studios in Canada, and Quebec, and Splash Entertainment in the United States, and the United Kingdom, Cyber Group Studios in France, Cyber Group Studios USA in the United States, and CyberSplash Entertainment in France, the United States, and the United Kingdom, and aired on Peacock (Peacock Kids) in English, in the United States, and Family Jr. in English, in Canada, and Telemagino in French, and in Canada, and Quebec, and was debuted on February 15, 2024, and ended on December 5, 2024, for the reboot, and fourth revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5. ==Seasons== ===Original series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)=== ====Classic series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)==== =====Original series (1997-2003)===== * [[Caillou (Season 1)|Season 1]] (1997-1998) * [[Caillou (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2002-2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) =====Revival series (2006, 2010-2011)===== ======First revival series (2006)====== * [[Caillou (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) ======Second revival series (2010-2011)====== * [[Caillou (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2010-2011) ===PBS series (2000-2003 (Original), 2006-2007, 2013 (Revival))=== ====Original series (2000-2003)==== * [[Caillou (Season 1) (PBS)|Season 1]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 2) (PBS)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3) (PBS)|Season 3]] (2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) ====Revival series (2006-2013)==== =====First revival series (2006-2007)===== * [[Caillou (Season 4) (PBS)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) * [[Caillou (Season 5) (PBS)|Season 5]] (2006-2007) =====Second revival series (2013)===== * [[Caillou (Season 6) (PBS)|Season 6]] (2013) ===Third revival series (2016-2023)=== ====Caillou's New Adventures (2016-2023)==== * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2016-2018) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2018-2019) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2019-2020) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2020-2021) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2022-2023) ===Reboot series (2022, 2024)=== ====Fourth revival series (2022, 2024)==== * [[Caillou: Rosie the Giant]] (2022) * [[Caillou: Adventures with Grandma and Grandpa]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Bravest Wolf Boy]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Silver Knight]] (2022) * [[Caillou's Perfect Christmas]] (2022) * [[Caillou (2024) (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2024) ==External links== * {{IMDb title|id=0262153|title=Caillou}} cc5ffcme3idofscbr231rcooy0u02et 3944180 3944179 2026-05-22T13:38:39Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944180 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (1997)]]''''' (pre-produced 1993-2002, produced: 1996-2002, aired: 1997-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2006; produced: 2005-2006, aired: 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2006-2011; produced: 2009-2011, aired: 2010-2011 (second revival) (classic) (original); pre-produced: 1996-2003, produced: 1999-2003, aired: 2000-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2007; produced: 2005-2007; 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2009-2013; produced: 2012-2013; aired: 2013 (second revival) (official) (PBS)) is a French (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-English (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Afrikaans (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Zulu (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Xhosa (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tswana (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tsonga (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Swati (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Venda (Season 5) (2010-2011) language Canadian (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Quebecois (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-American (Seasons 2-4) (2000-2003, 2006-2007)-Mandarin Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Hong Kong Cantonese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-South African (Season 5) (2010-2011) preschool 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Season 1) (1997-1998)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003))/2D Flash animation (Seasons 4-5) (2006-2007, 2010-2011) (Adobe Flash (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Professional (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Player (Season 4) (2006-2007))/Toon Boom Animation (Season 5) (2010-2011) (Toon Boom Harmony (Season 5) (2010-2011))/Cutout animation (Season 5) (2010-2011)/Puppet animation (Season 5) (2010-2011))-live-action (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) educational television series where an imaginative 4-year old boy learns lessons and searches around him. The show was produced by Caillou Productions (Season 1) (1997-1998)/Four Me Productions (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003), a subsidiary of CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and 9161-0345 Quebec (Season 5) (2010-2011), a subsidiary corporation of Sardine Productions (Season 5) (2010-2011) in Canada, and Quebec, and was co-produced by Shanghai Animation Film Studio (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Mainland China, and Animation Services (Hong Kong), Ltd. (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Hong Kong, and later Clockwork Zoo (Season 5) (2010-2011) in South Africa, and was distributed by CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and was aired on Teletoon (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, and English, in Canada, and in French, in Quebec, Tele-Quebec (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Citytv (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006), and CTV Television Network (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in English, in Canada, and later on TFO (Mega TFO) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and TV5 Quebec Canada (Season 5) (2010-2011) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Global Television Network (Season 5) (2010-2011), TVOntario/TVO (TVOKids) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and Treehouse TV (Season 5) (2010-2011) in English, in Canada, and later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-6) (2000-2003, 2006-2007, 2013) (PBS Kids Go! (Seasons 3-6) (2006-2007, 2013), and PBS Kids Preschool Block (Seasons 4-6) (2006-2007, 2013)) in English, in the United States, and was debuted on September 15, 1997, and ended on January 18, 2002, for the original series, for the classic series, for the original series, and was later debuted on January 13, 2006, and ended on January 22, 2006, for the first revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and then was debuted on September 11, 2010, and ended on September 23, 2010, for the second revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and later debuted on September 4, 2000, and ended on January 5, 2003, for the original series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and was later debuted on April 1, 2006, and ended on September 28, 2006, for the first revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and then was debuted March 11, 2013, and ended on March 17, 2013, for the second revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, but adults (for banned/censored episodes), and from ages 2 to 5, but from ages 18 to 21 (for banned/censored episodes).<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou's New Adventures]]''''' (2016-2023) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois preschool 2D animated (2D Flash animation) educational web series. The show was produced by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was distributed by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was streamed on YouTube (YouTube Kids (Seasons 1-5) (2016-2023), and WildBrain (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019)), and was debuted on November 24, 2016, and ended on August 18, 2023, for the third revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5.<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (2024)]]''''' (2022 (specials), 2024 (series)) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois-British-American-French preschool 3D animated (3D CGI animation) educational television series reboot. The show was produced by Mainframe Studios in Canada, and Quebec, and Splash Entertainment in the United States, and the United Kingdom, Cyber Group Studios in France, Cyber Group Studios USA in the United States, and CyberSplash Entertainment in France, the United States, and the United Kingdom, and aired on Peacock (Peacock Kids) in English, in the United States, and Family Jr. in English, in Canada, and Telemagino in French, and in Canada, and Quebec, and was debuted on February 15, 2024, and ended on December 5, 2024, for the reboot, and fourth revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5. ==Seasons== ===Original series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)=== ====Classic series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)==== =====Original series (1997-2003)===== * [[Caillou (Season 1)|Season 1]] (1997-1998) * [[Caillou (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2002-2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) =====Revival series (2006, 2010-2011)===== ======First revival series (2006)====== * [[Caillou (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) ======Second revival series (2010-2011)====== * [[Caillou (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2010-2011) ===PBS series (2000-2003 (Original), 2006-2007, 2013 (Revival))=== ====Original series (2000-2003)==== * [[Caillou (Season 1) (PBS)|Season 1]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 2) (PBS)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3) (PBS)|Season 3]] (2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) ====Revival series (2006-2013)==== =====First revival series (2006-2007)===== * [[Caillou (Season 4) (PBS)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) * [[Caillou (Season 5) (PBS)|Season 5]] (2006-2007) =====Second revival series (2013)===== * [[Caillou (Season 6) (PBS)|Season 6]] (2013) ===Third revival series (2016-2023)=== ====Caillou's New Adventures (2016-2023)==== * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2016-2018) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2018-2019) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2019-2020) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2020-2021) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2022-2023) ===Reboot series (2022, 2024)=== ====Fourth revival series (2022, 2024)==== * [[Caillou: Rosie the Giant]] (2022) * [[Caillou: Adventures with Grandma and Grandpa]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Bravest Wolf Boy]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Silver Knight]] (2022) * [[Caillou's Perfect Christmas]] (2022) * [[Caillou (2024) (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2024) ==External links== * {{IMDb title|id=0262153|title=Caillou}} 8lfxe6nnssxntl840rb7x5dxlvmfbga 3944181 3944180 2026-05-22T13:39:29Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944181 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (1997)]]''''' (pre-produced 1993-2002, produced: 1996-2002, aired: 1997-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2006; produced: 2005-2006, aired: 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2006-2011; produced: 2009-2011, aired: 2010-2011 (second revival) (classic) (original); pre-produced: 1996-2003, produced: 1999-2003, aired: 2000-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2007; produced: 2005-2007; 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2009-2013; produced: 2012-2013; aired: 2013 (second revival) (official) (PBS)) is a French (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-English (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Afrikaans (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Zulu (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Xhosa (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tswana (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tsonga (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Swati (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Venda (Season 5) (2010-2011) language Canadian (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Quebecois (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-American (Seasons 2-4) (2000-2003, 2006-2007)-Mandarin Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Hong Kong Cantonese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-South African (Season 5) (2010-2011) preschool 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Season 1) (1997-1998)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003))/2D Flash animation (Seasons 4-5) (2006-2007, 2010-2011) (Adobe Flash (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Professional (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Player (Season 4) (2006-2007))/Toon Boom Animation (Season 5) (2010-2011) (Toon Boom Harmony (Season 5) (2010-2011))/Cutout animation (Season 5) (2010-2011)/Puppet animation (Season 5) (2010-2011))-live-action (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) educational television series where an imaginative 4-year old boy learns lessons and searches around him. The show was produced by Caillou Productions (Season 1) (1997-1998)/Four Me Productions (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003), a subsidiary of CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and 9161-0345 Quebec (Season 5) (2010-2011), a subsidiary corporation of Sardine Productions (Season 5) (2010-2011) in Canada, and Quebec, and was co-produced by Shanghai Animation Film Studio (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Mainland China, and Animation Services (Hong Kong), Ltd. (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Hong Kong, and later Clockwork Zoo (Season 5) (2010-2011) in South Africa, and was distributed by CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1998)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and was aired on Teletoon (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, and English, in Canada, and in French, in Quebec, Tele-Quebec (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Citytv (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006), and CTV Television Network (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in English, in Canada, and later on TFO (Mega TFO) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and TV5 Quebec Canada (Season 5) (2010-2011) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Global Television Network (Season 5) (2010-2011), TVOntario/TVO (TVOKids) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and Treehouse TV (Season 5) (2010-2011) in English, in Canada, and later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-6) (2000-2003, 2006-2007, 2013) (PBS Kids Go! (Seasons 3-6) (2006-2007, 2013), and PBS Kids Preschool Block (Seasons 4-6) (2006-2007, 2013)) in English, in the United States, and was debuted on September 15, 1997, and ended on January 18, 2002, for the original series, for the classic series, for the original series, and was later debuted on January 13, 2006, and ended on January 22, 2006, for the first revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and then was debuted on September 11, 2010, and ended on September 23, 2010, for the second revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and later debuted on September 4, 2000, and ended on January 5, 2003, for the original series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and was later debuted on April 1, 2006, and ended on September 28, 2006, for the first revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and then was debuted March 11, 2013, and ended on March 17, 2013, for the second revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, but adults (for banned/censored episodes), and from ages 2 to 5, but from ages 18 to 21 (for banned/censored episodes).<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou's New Adventures]]''''' (2016-2023) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois preschool 2D animated (2D Flash animation) educational web series. The show was produced by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was distributed by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was streamed on YouTube (YouTube Kids (Seasons 1-5) (2016-2023), and WildBrain (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019)), and was debuted on November 24, 2016, and ended on August 18, 2023, for the third revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5.<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (2024)]]''''' (2022 (specials), 2024 (series)) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois-British-American-French preschool 3D animated (3D CGI animation) educational television series reboot. The show was produced by Mainframe Studios in Canada, and Quebec, and Splash Entertainment in the United States, and the United Kingdom, Cyber Group Studios in France, Cyber Group Studios USA in the United States, and CyberSplash Entertainment in France, the United States, and the United Kingdom, and aired on Peacock (Peacock Kids) in English, in the United States, and Family Jr. in English, in Canada, and Telemagino in French, and in Canada, and Quebec, and was debuted on February 15, 2024, and ended on December 5, 2024, for the reboot, and fourth revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5. ==Seasons== ===Original series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)=== ====Classic series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)==== =====Original series (1997-2003)===== * [[Caillou (Season 1)|Season 1]] (1997-1998) * [[Caillou (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2002-2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) =====Revival series (2006, 2010-2011)===== ======First revival series (2006)====== * [[Caillou (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) ======Second revival series (2010-2011)====== * [[Caillou (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2010-2011) ===PBS series (2000-2003 (Original), 2006-2007, 2013 (Revival))=== ====Original series (2000-2003)==== * [[Caillou (Season 1) (PBS)|Season 1]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 2) (PBS)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3) (PBS)|Season 3]] (2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) ====Revival series (2006-2013)==== =====First revival series (2006-2007)===== * [[Caillou (Season 4) (PBS)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) * [[Caillou (Season 5) (PBS)|Season 5]] (2006-2007) =====Second revival series (2013)===== * [[Caillou (Season 6) (PBS)|Season 6]] (2013) ===Third revival series (2016-2023)=== ====Caillou's New Adventures (2016-2023)==== * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2016-2018) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2018-2019) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2019-2020) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2020-2021) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2022-2023) ===Reboot series (2022, 2024)=== ====Fourth revival series (2022, 2024)==== * [[Caillou: Rosie the Giant]] (2022) * [[Caillou: Adventures with Grandma and Grandpa]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Bravest Wolf Boy]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Silver Knight]] (2022) * [[Caillou's Perfect Christmas]] (2022) * [[Caillou (2024) (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2024) ==External links== * {{IMDb title|id=0262153|title=Caillou}} [[Category:Canadian preschool education TV shows]] olsurqrldnsa0e2aawvtdw27p9gtq4t 3944228 3944181 2026-05-22T16:20:08Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944228 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (1997)]]''''' (pre-produced 1993-2002, produced: 1996-2002, aired: 1997-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2006; produced: 2005-2006, aired: 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2006-2011; produced: 2009-2011, aired: 2010-2011 (second revival) (classic) (original); pre-produced: 1996-2003, produced: 1999-2003, aired: 2000-2003 (original); pre-produced: 2002-2007; produced: 2005-2007; 2006-2007 (first revival); pre-produced: 2009-2013; produced: 2012-2013; aired: 2013 (second revival) (official) (PBS)) is a French (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-English (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Afrikaans (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Zulu (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Xhosa (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tswana (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Tsonga (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Swati (Season 5) (2010-2011)-Venda (Season 5) (2010-2011) language Canadian (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-Quebecois (Seasons 1-5) (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)-American (Seasons 2-4) (2000-2003, 2006-2007)-Mandarin Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Chinese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-Hong Kong Cantonese (Season 3) (2002-2003)-South African (Season 5) (2010-2011) preschool 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Season 1) (1997-1999)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003))/2D Flash animation (Seasons 4-5) (2006-2007, 2010-2011) (Adobe Flash (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Professional (Season 4) (2006-2007)/Adobe Flash Player (Season 4) (2006-2007))/Toon Boom Animation (Season 5) (2010-2011) (Toon Boom Harmony (Season 5) (2010-2011))/Cutout animation (Season 5) (2010-2011)/Puppet animation (Season 5) (2010-2011))-live-action (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) educational television series where an imaginative 4-year old boy learns lessons and searches around him. The show was produced by Caillou Productions (Season 1) (1997-1999)/Four Me Productions (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003), a subsidiary of CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1999)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and 9161-0345 Quebec (Season 5) (2010-2011), a subsidiary corporation of Sardine Productions (Season 5) (2010-2011) in Canada, and Quebec, and was co-produced by Shanghai Animation Film Studio (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Mainland China, and Animation Services (Hong Kong), Ltd. (Season 3) (2002-2003) in China, and Hong Kong, and later Clockwork Zoo (Season 5) (2010-2011) in South Africa, and was distributed by CINAR (Seasons 1-3) (1997-2003) (CINAR Films (Season 1) (1997-1999)/CINAR Corporation (Seasons 2-3) (2000-2003)) in Canada, and Quebec, and later 9 Story Entertainment (Season 4) (2006-2007) (after CINAR was rebranded as Cookie Jar between 2004 and 2006), and Nelvana (Season 4) (2006-2007) in Canada, and Quebec, and was aired on Teletoon (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, and English, in Canada, and in French, in Quebec, Tele-Quebec (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Citytv (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006), and CTV Television Network (Seasons 1-4) (1997-2003, 2006-2007) in English, in Canada, and later on TFO (Mega TFO) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and TV5 Quebec Canada (Season 5) (2010-2011) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and Global Television Network (Season 5) (2010-2011), TVOntario/TVO (TVOKids) (Season 5) (2010-2011), and Treehouse TV (Season 5) (2010-2011) in English, in Canada, and later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-6) (2000-2003, 2006-2007, 2013) (PBS Kids Go! (Seasons 3-6) (2006-2007, 2013), and PBS Kids Preschool Block (Seasons 4-6) (2006-2007, 2013)) in English, in the United States, and was debuted on September 15, 1997, and ended on January 18, 2002, for the original series, for the classic series, for the original series, and was later debuted on January 13, 2006, and ended on January 22, 2006, for the first revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and then was debuted on September 11, 2010, and ended on September 23, 2010, for the second revival series, for the classic series, for the original series, and later debuted on September 4, 2000, and ended on January 5, 2003, for the original series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and was later debuted on April 1, 2006, and ended on September 28, 2006, for the first revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series, and then was debuted March 11, 2013, and ended on March 17, 2013, for the second revival series, for the official series, for the PBS series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, but adults (for banned/censored episodes), and from ages 2 to 5, but from ages 18 to 21 (for banned/censored episodes).<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou's New Adventures]]''''' (2016-2023) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois preschool 2D animated (2D Flash animation) educational web series. The show was produced by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was distributed by DHX Media (DHX Studios, and WildBrain) (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019) in Canada, and Quebec, 9 Story Media Group (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and Nelvana (Seasons 3-5) (2019-2023) in Canada, and Quebec, and was streamed on YouTube (YouTube Kids (Seasons 1-5) (2016-2023), and WildBrain (Seasons 1-2) (2016-2019)), and was debuted on November 24, 2016, and ended on August 18, 2023, for the third revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5.<br>'''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou (2024)]]''''' (2022 (specials), 2024 (series)) is a French-English language Canadian-Quebecois-British-American-French preschool 3D animated (3D CGI animation) educational television series reboot. The show was produced by Mainframe Studios in Canada, and Quebec, and Splash Entertainment in the United States, and the United Kingdom, Cyber Group Studios in France, Cyber Group Studios USA in the United States, and CyberSplash Entertainment in France, the United States, and the United Kingdom, and aired on Peacock (Peacock Kids) in English, in the United States, and Family Jr. in English, in Canada, and Telemagino in French, and in Canada, and Quebec, and was debuted on February 15, 2024, and ended on December 5, 2024, for the reboot, and fourth revival series. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5. ==Seasons== ===Original series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)=== ====Classic series (1997-2003, 2006-2007, 2010-2011)==== =====Original series (1997-2003)===== * [[Caillou (Season 1)|Season 1]] (1997-1999) * [[Caillou (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2002-2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) =====Revival series (2006, 2010-2011)===== ======First revival series (2006)====== * [[Caillou (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) ======Second revival series (2010-2011)====== * [[Caillou (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2010-2011) ===PBS series (2000-2003 (Original), 2006-2007, 2013 (Revival))=== ====Original series (2000-2003)==== * [[Caillou (Season 1) (PBS)|Season 1]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 2) (PBS)|Season 2]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Season 3) (PBS)|Season 3]] (2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) ====Revival series (2006-2013)==== =====First revival series (2006-2007)===== * [[Caillou (Season 4) (PBS)|Season 4]] (2006-2007) * [[Caillou (Season 5) (PBS)|Season 5]] (2006-2007) =====Second revival series (2013)===== * [[Caillou (Season 6) (PBS)|Season 6]] (2013) ===Third revival series (2016-2023)=== ====Caillou's New Adventures (2016-2023)==== * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2016-2018) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2018-2019) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2019-2020) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2020-2021) * [[Caillou's New Adventures (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2022-2023) ===Reboot series (2022, 2024)=== ====Fourth revival series (2022, 2024)==== * [[Caillou: Rosie the Giant]] (2022) * [[Caillou: Adventures with Grandma and Grandpa]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Bravest Wolf Boy]] (2022) * [[Caillou: The Silver Knight]] (2022) * [[Caillou's Perfect Christmas]] (2022) * [[Caillou (2024) (Season 1)|Season 1]] (2024) ==External links== * {{IMDb title|id=0262153|title=Caillou}} [[Category:Canadian preschool education TV shows]] 8ywx9vcejgktfc0iix6g3244bdbsiox 3944235 3944228 2026-05-22T17:33:53Z 03isrflo62410 1485946 This AGAIN??? 3944235 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Caillou|Caillou]]''''' (1997-2010) is a Canadian animated children's television series. ==Seasons== ===Original series (1997-2003, 2006-2011)=== ====Classic series (1997-2003, 2006-2011)==== =====Original series (1997-2003)===== * [[Caillou (Season 1)|Season 1]] (1997-1998) * [[Caillou (Season 2)|Season 2]] (2000) * [[Caillou (Season 3)|Season 3]] (2002-2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) =====Revival series (2006-2011)===== * [[Caillou (Season 4)|Season 4]] (2006) * [[Caillou (Season 5)|Season 5]] (2010-2011) ===PBS series (1999 (Pilot (Unaired)); 2000-2003 (Original), 2006-2013 (Revival) (Official))=== ====Pilot (1999) (Unaired)==== * [[Caillou (Pilot) (PBS)|Pilot]] (1999) (Unaired) ====Official series (2000-2003, 2006-2013)==== =====Original series (2000-2003)===== * [[Caillou (Season 1) (PBS)|Season 1]] (2000-2001) * [[Caillou (Seasons 1-2) (PBS)|Seasons 1-2]] (2000-2002) * [[Caillou (Seasons 2-3) (PBS)|Seasons 2-3]] (2003) * [[Caillou's Holiday Movie]] (2003) =====Revival series (2006-2013)===== * [[Caillou (Seasons 3-4) (PBS)|Seasons 3-4]] (2006-2007) * [[Caillou (Seasons 4-5) (PBS)|Seasons 4-5]] (2006-2007) * [[Caillou (Seasons 4-6) (PBS)|Seasons 4-6]] (2013) ==External links== * {{IMDb title|id=0262153|title=Caillou}} hen8eh46zgifuy2t6r8bpzycgjio4i1 0 284968 3944218 3883409 2026-05-22T15:41:40Z GrimRob 1187925 formatting 3944218 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Beyonce (New York 2011).jpg|thumb]] '''Life is But a Dream''' is a 2013 autobiographical film by [[Beyoncé]]. It focuses on her career and pregnancy. {{Unsourced}} == Quotes == * There’s a stupid rumor. The most ridiculous rumor I think I’ve ever had about me. It’s crazy. To think I would be that vain – I respect mothers and women so much and to be able to experience bringing a child into this world, if you’re lucky and fortunate enough to experience that, I would never, ever take that for granted. It’s the most powerful thing you can do. Especially after losing a child, the pain and trauma from that just makes it mean so much more to get an opportunity to bring life into the world. It seems like people should have boundaries. * So, this is my belly. I am 20 weeks. And I have the MTV awards coming up. And as you can see, little plum plum is ready for the world to know that he or she is here. I think I’m gonna have to just throw in the towel and if you can see that I’m pregnant, I just have to own it. So I maybe… Well, my baby maybe debuting itself on the awards. I’m going to be a mommy. * The baby is coming in 3 weeks. I feel anxious. These last 3 weeks are my last weeks responsible for myself. So I’m trying my best to take care of my child like myself and enjoy my freedom I guess for the last 3 weeks. This is going to be nothing in comparison to having a child. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2013 films]] [[Category:American documentary films]] [[Category:American pregnancy films]] [[Category:Documentary films about singers]] 9vv90hox7smyshvtgpl530hyojllkti 3944219 3944218 2026-05-22T15:42:56Z GrimRob 1187925 wikipedia links 3944219 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Beyonce (New York 2011).jpg|thumb]] '''{{w|Life Is But a Dream (film)|Life Is But a Dream}}''' is a 2013 autobiographical film by [[Beyoncé]]. It focuses on her career and pregnancy. {{Unsourced}} == Quotes == * There’s a stupid rumor. The most ridiculous rumor I think I’ve ever had about me. It’s crazy. To think I would be that vain – I respect mothers and women so much and to be able to experience bringing a child into this world, if you’re lucky and fortunate enough to experience that, I would never, ever take that for granted. It’s the most powerful thing you can do. Especially after losing a child, the pain and trauma from that just makes it mean so much more to get an opportunity to bring life into the world. It seems like people should have boundaries. * So, this is my belly. I am 20 weeks. And I have the MTV awards coming up. And as you can see, little plum plum is ready for the world to know that he or she is here. I think I’m gonna have to just throw in the towel and if you can see that I’m pregnant, I just have to own it. So I maybe… Well, my baby maybe debuting itself on the awards. I’m going to be a mommy. * The baby is coming in 3 weeks. I feel anxious. These last 3 weeks are my last weeks responsible for myself. So I’m trying my best to take care of my child like myself and enjoy my freedom I guess for the last 3 weeks. This is going to be nothing in comparison to having a child. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2013 films]] [[Category:American documentary films]] [[Category:American pregnancy films]] [[Category:Documentary films about singers]] 4u3cdhb0afaa7unxve4gwisrgxh9dd8 3944223 3944219 2026-05-22T15:47:41Z GrimRob 1187925 forgot this is a film 3944223 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Beyonce (New York 2011).jpg|thumb]] '''{{w|Life Is But a Dream (film)|Life Is But a Dream}}''' is a 2013 autobiographical film by [[Beyoncé]]. It focuses on her career and pregnancy. ==Beyoncé Knowles== * There’s a stupid rumor. The most ridiculous rumor I think I’ve ever had about me. It’s crazy. To think I would be that vain – I respect mothers and women so much and to be able to experience bringing a child into this world, if you’re lucky and fortunate enough to experience that, I would never, ever take that for granted. It’s the most powerful thing you can do. Especially after losing a child, the pain and trauma from that just makes it mean so much more to get an opportunity to bring life into the world. It seems like people should have boundaries. * So, this is my belly. I am 20 weeks. And I have the MTV awards coming up. And as you can see, little plum plum is ready for the world to know that he or she is here. I think I’m gonna have to just throw in the towel and if you can see that I’m pregnant, I just have to own it. So I maybe… Well, my baby maybe debuting itself on the awards. I’m going to be a mommy. * The baby is coming in 3 weeks. I feel anxious. These last 3 weeks are my last weeks responsible for myself. So I’m trying my best to take care of my child like myself and enjoy my freedom I guess for the last 3 weeks. This is going to be nothing in comparison to having a child. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2013 films]] [[Category:American documentary films]] [[Category:American pregnancy films]] [[Category:Documentary films about singers]] eic72nalzza8r4mg00zkuosqu4kn525 14 290442 3944331 3719554 2026-05-23T01:11:03Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944331 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about cats]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:American animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Canadian animated sitcoms]] [[Category:MTV shows]] 500gvo59nl4b6mbvqaq1iwfih6tna96 3944332 3944331 2026-05-23T01:11:22Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 3944332 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about cats]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:American animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Canadian animated sitcoms]] [[Category:MTV shows]] thxay0cb0s56osce2r8vkwr060coa69 0 294022 3944297 3941158 2026-05-22T23:01:07Z ~2026-30747-94 3327608 /* Dialogue */ 3944297 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|The Bad Guys 2}}''''' is a 2025 American [[w:computer-animated film|computer-animated]] [[w:Crime film#Crime_comedy|crime comedy film]], produced by {{w|DreamWorks Animation}} and distributed by {{w|Universal Pictures}}. It is a sequel to ''[[The Bad Guys (film)|The Bad Guys]]'' and based on the [[w:The Bad Guys (book series)|children's book series of the same name]]. The film's plot follows the Bad Guys, who come out of retirement and join forces with an all-female criminal squad to perform one last heist. :''Directed by [[w:Pierre Perifel|Pierre Perifel]]. Written by Yoni Brenner and [[w:Etan Cohen|Etan Cohen]].'' {{center|'''Back in badness.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} {{film-stub}} ==The Bad Guys== ===Mr. Wolf=== * ''[from trailer]'' When it came to being bad, we were pretty good. Who am I kidding? We're the best. * I am never driving another car ever again…! ''[smash cut to him driving in a more tacky and rundown vehicle in the present]'' * Things sure have changed. Not everyone believes it, but The Bad Guys went good. And we cannot wait for society to welcome us with open arms! * ''['''Craig''': And now you wanna work at a bank?]'' Why not? Some of my best memories are at banks. ''['''Craig''': Uh, you robbed us 3 times.]'' ''[Beat]'' That was ''this'' bank? * You say the naughtiest things. * ''[from trailer]'' Maybe you don't keep up with the news, but we're good now. * Alright, Mr. Master of Disguise, you're up. * Trust me, there's a difference. Respect is earned. One day you'll learn that. * We need to show the world we're good. * You're about to discover why they call me the big bad wolf! * First time for everything, right? * Like you said: It's not the action, it's the ''distraction''. * Not bad. Not bad at all. ===Mr. Snake=== * ''['''Webs''': Is she your hostage?]'' No. She's my girlfriend. * I'm late for vinyasa. ''['''Shark''': Vinyasa?]'' You think I got this body by sitting around watching TV? * ''[after he gets tied into a balloon animal by Pigtail; sarcastically]'' Great. * We brought you a little parting gift. * ''[after Susan reveals herself as Doom]'' You're the perfect woman! She out-snaked a snake! If that's not true love, well… well, then I don't know what true love is. * Vinyasa, baby! * You're not nervous, right? 'Cause we know what happens when you're nervous. * Stop farting, you maniac! ===Mr. Piranha=== * ''[from trailer]'' So you're like the Bad Girls. * Sounds kind of made-up. * Why is she in his mouth?! * So, are we bad again? * Tear him apart limb by limb until all he can remember is pain! * ''[farts]'' Sorry. Sorry, nerves. * Stay with me, ''papo!'' Stay with me! ===Mr. Shark=== * ''['''Wolf''': What?! What was that?!]'' I panicked, okay?! I'm a panicker! * Insult me next! * I'm a little rusty, but I promise to play you respectfully. ''[in Italian accent]'' Mamma mia! Where's-a my flowers-a? Prego! Cappuccino! Extra grande! * WELCOME!!! WELCOME TO THIS BEAUTIFIUS, MAJESTACULAR, INCREDIMONIUS OCCASION! '''''WHOOOOO!!!''''' * One of your size, and one of my size! * You ever been deboned by a chicken? ===Ms. Tarantula / "Webs"=== * How are supposed to get a fresh start if no one would trust us? * Name's Webs. I'll be your hacker today. * We're classy like that. * It's like a freaking fairy tale. * Are you kidding me?! Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty. ==The Bad Girls== ===Kitty Kat=== * Once upon a time, there was a big bad "wuff". * They call me the Phantom Bandit, but you can call me Kitty Kat. I think you've met my girls. * We need the bad guys for the biggest heist in history! * ''[from trailer]'' I'm not exactly ''asking''. * You know, you think they're one thing but it turns out they're something else entirely. * Let me rephrase the question. Play along, and Diane's secret is safe. Or don't, and you, Diane, the good life, it all comes crashing down. What'll it be? ===Doom / Susan=== * You talk pretty tough for a mango with teeth. * You're a grumpy little snakey-wakey. * You should have taken the mint, Whiskers. ''[shoots her dart gun at Wolf in the nose, making him pass out]'' * It's just business. ===Pigtail=== * ''[after she frames the Bad Guys by clicking the belt on Piranha]'' Good luck getting out of this one, Bad Guys. * Hello! ''['''Webs''': Holy shrimp!]'' I'm Pigtail! It was great honor to kick the butts of my heroes. The butts were even greater than in my dreams. * Big crime nerd! * Initiating backwards counting. ==Diane Foxington== * ''['''Wolf''': I'm sorry, did you say you were the '''CRIMSON PAW?!?!''']'' ''[kicks him]'' Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. * I'm more of an action girl. ==Police Commissioner Misty Luggins== * I'm keeping my eye on you guy— ''[gets karate-chopped unconsciously by Shark]'' ==Dialogue== :''[5 years prior; Wolf drives the Bad Guys with their newly stolen getaway car, with Webs on her first heist with them. Wolf drives recklessly through the side streets of Cairo to avoid the police]'' :'''Webs''': Do you always drive like this?! :'''Wolf''': Only when it's strictly necessary. :'''Snake''': And it's ''always'' necessary. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wolf and Diane spar in her private gym, doing boxing practice]'' :'''Wolf''': I'd be happier if I could land... ''[throws a few punches, which Diane dodges]'' one of these jobs. :'''Diane''': First impressions are hard to shake. ''[dodges a few more of Wolf's punches]'' Ooo, that was quick! ''[shoves Wolf back]'' I mean, when I first met you, I thought you were arrogant, self-satisfied...''[does a spinning leg sweep, knocking Wolf over, but catching him by his chest pad before he falls]'' dishonest... ''[chuckles]'' Greedy, for sure. ''[shoves Wolf back to where he stumbles into a punching dummy]'' :'''Wolf''': Oh, yeah? What changed your mind? :'''Diane''': What do you mean? ''[walks to the nearby bench with a smirk, taking a drink from her water bottle and toweling off]'' :'''Wolf''': Ha-ha-ha, very funny. Seriously, it's hard to stay positive when we're being rejected. It makes you feel, I don't know, hopeless. :'''Diane''': ''[tosses the water bottle to Wolf to drink out of]'' Going good was the hardest thing that I ever did, and compared to you guys, I had it easy. ''[whispers to Wolf]'' No one ever knew I was the Crimson Paw. :'''Wolf''': ''[whispers back]'' I'm sorry, did you say you were the... ''[shouts out loudly, to Diane's horror]'' '''CRIMSON PAW-!!!''' :'''Diane''': Hey! ''[promptly kicks Wolf across the gym, into a pile of gym mats]'' Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. :'''Wolf''': ''[chuckles and pulls off his protective gear]'' Okay, you asked for it. You're about to discover why they call me The Big Bad WO- :''[cuts to Wolf lying on a locker room bench with a black eye, Diane putting an ice pack on it.]'' :'''Diane''': ...I think I got carried away. ''[smirks]'' :'''Wolf''': ''[referring to his black eye]'' I don't think this is gonna help with my interviews. :'''Diane''': I don't know, I think it's cute. Gives you character. :'''Wolf''': Oh, do I have a concussion, or is the governor flirting with me? :'''Diane''': Can't it be both? :'''Wolf''': Hmmm... :''[Wolf and Diane start to lean in together, then their fingers brush against one another, which causes both of them to separate]'' :'''Wolf''': Uh... :'''Diane''': Oh! Uh... :'''Wolf''': Sorry, I shouldn't have... :'''Diane''': Oh, no, no, no. I–I didn't really, um... :'''Wolf''': Uh, yeah, cause you're the governor, and I'm, you know... :'''Diane''': An–an ex-con. :'''Wolf''': Yeah. :'''Diane''': I know, it's optics. ''[chuckles awkwardly]'' :'''Wolf''': Totally. :'''Diane''': Let's just... :'''Wolf''': Yeah, let's... :'''Diane and Wolf''': Keep it friendly. :''[Their hands quickly separate]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Luggins:''' ''[Misty Luggins enters the police stations and starts barking orders]'' I want answers! Get me security footage, scour the phone logs, and '''''WHERE'S MY COFFEE??!!''''' [she's given her coffee] :'''Offscreen Person''': Uh, Commissioner? :'''Luggins''': Not now! :'''Offscreen Person''': But you have a visitor. :'''Luggins''': They can wait! :'''Offscreen Person''': Uh, but he's, uh... :''[Luggins enters her office to find Wolf in there examining her evidence board]'' :'''Wolf''': ''[spins around in his chair to greet Luggins while putting on her police hat]'' Hey-hey, Chief! :''[Luggins is so surprised she spits and chokes on her coffee]'' :'''Wolf''': Can I just say: love the bangs. :'''Luggins''': First off, it's "Commissioner" now! And second... ''[while she says this, she slams her coffee cup on the table and removes her hat from Wolf's head]'' :'''Wolf''': Ooh, nice. What's the difference? :'''Luggins''': Well, the chief is the top uniformed officer, whereas-- '''''Why am I explaining this to you?!''''' ''[she gasps when she sees Wolf has removed a picture from her evidence board so she takes it from him and tries to fix the board]'' Did you touch my board?! My board. My beautiful board. :'''Wolf''': Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I heard it say, ''[in a high-pitched voice]'' "Solve me." :'''Luggins''': ''[grunts angrily and turns to face Wolf while keeping her hands on the evidence board]'' Wolf. :'''Wolf''': Listen, I think we're both having an "optics" problem: You need to show the world you've got this investigation under control, and we need to show the world we're good. If I help you catch the Bandit, it's a win-win. :'''Luggins''': I'm calling the governor! :'''Wolf''': Go ahead. It was basically her idea. ''[Luggins angrily growls]'' Look at this. Each of the robberies occurred within a three-minute window. :'''Luggins''': So? :'''Wolf''': Three minutes is the loop rate of most standard security consoles, which means whoever did this... :'''Luggins''': Patched into the security from the ''inside''. :'''Wolf''': Bingo. :'''Luggins''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Fine. Let's say they did. How would we even trace that? We'd need some kind of hi-tech computer expert! :''[Wolf smirks. Scene cuts to Webs looking over Luggins' board]'' :'''Webs''': They'd have had to clone the IP address and redirect the feed to a 4 gigahertz dummy console, duh! :'''Luggins''': ...Huh? :'''Webs''': Your Bandit is clever. But not as clever as he thinks he is. :'''Wolf''': However, he'd still need an inside man. :''[Cuts to Shark joining in, looking over the board as well. :'''Shark''': Hmmm...''[takes Luggins' coffee from her hands]'' :'''Luggins''': Hey! :'''Shark''': ''[takes a sip of coffee and hands it back to Luggins]'' Hold this. ''[walks up to the board and looks closer, then points to a picture]'' There! :'''Luggins''': That? That's just the janitor. :'''Shark''': Perhaps to the untrained eye, but if he's really "just the janitor"...''[takes the picture from the board and shows it to Luggins]'' Why is he pushing around an ''empty bucket'', HMMMMMMMMMM? :'''Wolf''': So, the real question is: How did he get in? :''[Cuts to now Piranha looking at the HVAC layout, munching on a burrito]'' :'''Piranha''': ''[draws his route]'' I'd come this way, then jam the fan, pop the grate, and bam, you're in. Ugh, ah...''[pulls a pickle out of his mouth]'' Why is there pickles in this? :'''Luggins''': ''[fuming]'' Because that's ''my'' lunch. Who said you could eat my lunch?! :'''Piranha''': ''[points to Wolf]'' Well, he said there was lunch. :'''Wolf''': Chief, come on, let's focus. So, we know when and we know how. :'''Shark''': The real question is...''WHY?'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wolf''': Whoa! That was close. ''[gasps when he sees Luggins]'' :'''Other Bad Guys''': '''AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!<big><big>—</big></big>''' :'''Luggins''': Stop this truck, now! :'''Susan''': Hold on, folks! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the interior of a dilapidated hanger, the Bad Guys are slowly beginning to gain consciousness after they had passed out, only to find that they are strapped to chairs.]'' :'''Wolf''': ''[groans softly]'' :'''Piranha''': Where... where are we? :'''Webs:''': What's... happening? :''[As the rest of the crew gets their bearings, the sound of chains rattling gets their attention and their slight fear.]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': Once upon a time... ''[everyone turns to see Kitty behind them, pulling on chains near a giant melting furnace]'' ...there was a big, BAD wolf. Ooh, love that guy. What a character! ''[takes off her safety equipment as she walks toward them)'' He's the one who challenges the status quo, who takes the big chance! Without him... shoot, I don't even think we have a story. ''[takes off her apron)'' And they call ''him'' the villain. Kinda backwards, don't you think? :'''Wolf''': ''[confused]'' Do I know you? :'''Kitty Kat''': They call me the Phantom Bandit. Nice ring to it, I guess. ''[sits on the table]'' But ''you'' can call me... Kitty Kat. I see you've met my girls. :''[Pigtail jumps into view beside Webs and Shark.]'' :'''Pigtail''': Hello! :'''Webs:''': Holy shrimp! :'''Pigtail''': ''[gestures to her nametag on her overalls]'' I'm Pigtail. It was great honor to kick the butts of my heroes. The butts were even greater than my dreams. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': ''[chuckles]'' She's a huge fan. :'''Pigtail''': ''[gives thumbs up]'' Big crime nerd. :'''Piranha''': Thanks... I think. ''[the others glance at him]'' :''[Soon, they all look up to see Susan glancing down at them from the rafters.]'' :'''Piranha''': Oh, hey, Susan! :'''Susan ''(whose actual name is Doom)''''': Actually… ''[tosses her knife down, which pierces the back of Snake's chair; flies down from the rafters right down to Snake]'' It's Doom. ''[pulls the knife out]'' Susan is an alias. ''[walks away]'' :'''Snake''': ''[looks visibly hurt]'' You lied to me. :'''Piranha''': That's alright, ''papito.'' :'''Snake''': Played me! :'''Shark''': Not cool, man. :'''Snake''': ''Betrayed'' me! :'''Doom''': Hey. Hey, listen. It's just business. :'''Snake''': You're... :'''Shark''': Shady. :'''Snake''': You're... :'''Shark''': Shady. :'''Webs:''': Let it out, buddy. :'''Snake''': ''[as "Crimson & Clover" by Tommy James plays, completely smitten]'' You are the perfect woman! She out-snaked a snake! If that's not true love, well... well, then I don't know what true love is. :''[song ends]'' :'''Wolf''': Snake... ''[sighs, stammers before dropping the subject]'' Okay. Kitty, y-you mind telling us what we're doing here? :'''Kitty Kat''': ''[unwraps a red lollipop]'' Cutting to the chase. I like it. We're planning something big. Only problem: It's too big for the three of us. :'''Pigtail''': You need work, we need extra hands. :'''Doom''': Professionals, you know? With a specific set of skills. :'''Kitty Kat''': One... last... job. ''[walks in front of Wolf]'' Whatcha say? :'''Wolf''': ''[chuckles]'' What do we say? No, uh, is the short answer. But, well, we're flattered. But, uh, the thing is, you know... :'''Shark''': We're good now! :'''Piranha''': Yeah. We don't steal stuff anymore. :'''Wolf''': Yeah, so if you can just, you know, untie us, and, uh, we'll let ourselves out. And we can just call it a noche, okay? :'''Kitty Kat''': ''[laughs, and soon, the Bad Guys start laughing with her... that is, until Kitty turns and slams her hands into the metal table, causing all laughter to cease. Then, after a moment, she speaks up again, smacking her lips]'' You know what? I love the red ones. :''[Doom uses her knife to cut down a rope, letting a tarp come down from the ceiling]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': Is it cherry? Is it strawberry? I'm not really sure. I can never tell. It's kind of like people, you know? :''[Webs sees Pigtail putting an USB drive into her laptop, and a projector comes on, causing Wolf and Snake to glance at each other]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': You think they're one thing, but it turns out they're something else entirely. :''[As everyone looks toward the screen, they find that the Bad Girls have somehow obtained video evidence of the Crimson Paw stealing the Golden Dolphin from the last film, and the Crimson Paw removing her hood to reveal that she is indeed Diane.]'' :'''Wolf''': ''[horrified]'' Diane... :'''Shark''': ''[gasps]'' She knows. ''[the other Bad Guys have the same horrified look on their faces]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': Can you imagine if this got out? :'''Doom''': The governor's secret past as the Crimson Paw? Whew! Talk about a scandal. :'''Pigtail''': ''[scoffs]'' She will be in the hot bubble water. :'''Kitty Kat''': So... ''[Doom kicks over a chair, and Kitty sits in front of Wolf]'' Let me rephrase the question. Play along, and Diane's secret is safe. Or don't, and you, Diane, the good life... it all comes crashing down. What'll it be? :''[Wolf looks back up at the video footage for a moment, knowing that there is no possible situation where the outcome is good before he eventually lowers his head and closes his eyes before speaking again.]'' :'''Wolf''': ...All right, hot sauce. What's the job? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty opens the door to the hanger as everyone, including the Bad Guys, who have been untied, walks out into the open and stops at the edge of a cliff.]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': ''[gestures to something in the distance]'' ''That's'' the job. :'''Snake''': Whoa... :'''Shark''': ''[gasps]'' :'''Wolf''': Wow. :''[Pans out to reveal the target of the Bad Girls' job-- the Moon-X rocket at the nearby launch site.]'' :'''Piranha''': ''[whistles]'' :'''Shark''': That's the Moon-X rocket! :'''Webs''': Seriously? :'''Doom''': You better believe it, girl. :'''Pigtail''': Why steal a car when you can steal a big, jumbo rocket ship? :'''Shark''': ''[to Wolf]'' I think she's serious. :'''Snake''': Why would you want to steal a rocket? :'''Kitty Kat''': A heist is never just about the loot. Isn't that right, Wolf? :'''Wolf''': ''[remembers what he told Webs five years prior]'' It's a power move. :'''Kitty Kat''': Exactly. ''[wraps an arm around Wolf and ruffles the fur on his head]'' You get it-- he gets it! :'''Pigtail''': ''[laughs]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': All right, now, come on. ''[removes her arm from around Wolf]'' We've got work to do. :'''Wolf''': ''[adjusts his collar as the Bad Girls head back to the hanger]'' And after that, we're square, right? You're gonna give us the video? :'''Kitty Kat''': ''[still walking away, holds up the USB]'' Thieves' honor. :'''Doom''': ''[chuckles]'' :'''Pigtail''': This is gonna be gnarly. ''[chuckles]'' In the good way. :'''Kitty Kat''': Come on, y'all. We're going on a heist. :''[Once the Bad Guys are alone, they start talking again.]'' :'''Piranha''': So... are we bad again, or...? :'''Wolf''': You got to hand it to them. They thought of almost everything. :'''Snake''': "Almost"? ''[realizes]'' Oh, you've got an angle. :'''Wolf''': ''[scoffs]'' I've always got an angle. One last job, and after that, Little Miss Lollipop's gonna regret she ever met us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Bad Guys have successfully stolen Mr. Moon's watch, Wolf is now chatting with Kitty in the Bad Girls' hideout as she melts down the stolen McGuffinite objects and molds them into spheres]'' :'''Kitty''': Yeah. Of course I did. :'''Wolf''': Oh, really? So impersonating the bride was your idea? :'''Kitty''': Absolutely. :'''Wolf''': Yeah. Okay. :'''Kitty''': I hired you. Therefore, your ideas are my ideas. :'''Wolf''': Classy. What's going on with the MacGuffinite? :'''Kitty''': Oh, just a little science project. :'''Wolf''': Ah. So you framed us for science? :'''Kitty''': ''[laughs]'' Come on, I had to frame you. It was the only way to draw you out of retirement. :'''Wolf''': Anyway, you got what you wanted, so, uh... :'''Kitty''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh. Oh! Right. You want the video. ''[she takes the flash drive containing the video from her pocket and holds it out to Wolf]'' There we go. ''[before Wolf can take the drive, she takes it back]'' Oh, man. ''(she pulls up a stool behind her and sits down]'' Did... did I ever tell you about my first heist? :'''Wolf''': ''[sighs then sits down, resigning himself to humoring Kitty a little longer]'' Uh, no. Um, was it a bank? Jewelry store? ''[mumbles]'' :'''Kitty''': ''[smacks lips]'' Lollipop. Back in school, we had a teacher who used to give the good kids a lollipop. And maybe it was my claws or my teeth, but she never, ever looked my way. It was hurtful. So one day, when the old fart wasn't looking, I snuck into the drawer and swiped the whole bag. ''[chuckles]'' After that, when the kids wanted lollipops, they came to me. Dude, it was amazing, man. For the first time in my life, I felt powerful. I must've pulled off a hundred jobs since then. And the more you steal, the more they respect you. Hmm. ''[smacks lips then examines her lollipop]'' Why would you give that up? You think if you play nice and follow their rules, they'll just see you for who you truly are? But let me tell you, they won't. ''[she hands the flash drive to Wolf]'' What if the bad life was your best life? :''[as Wolf takes the drive, he starts having flashbacks to his bad life with the Bad Guys and Kitty's voice suddenly becomes distant and echoing]'' :'''Kitty''': ''[echoing]'' My advice: Stop hoping and enjoy the lollipop. ''[she goes back to working on the McGuffinite.]'' :''[Wolf stares into space for a few seconds then goes outside stopping to lean against the door and reflect on Kitty's words. After a few seconds, he heads to the hot dog van.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Wolf has gotten the flash drive containing the video of Diane revealed as the Crimson Paw from Kitty, he gets in the hot dog cart where the Bad Guys are waiting]'' :'''Wolf''': Did you get it? :'''Webs''': Oh, we got it. ''[she shows a video of Kitty]'' :'''Kitty''': ''[laughs; recording]'' Come on, I had to frame you. It was the only way to draw you out-- :'''Webs''': ''[mutes video]'' Full confession. :'''Piranha''': I can't believe she didn't notice the camera. ''[Wolf removes the hidden camera from his cowboy hat]'' :'''Webs''': All we need to do is get this to the chief and clear our names. :''[All the Bad Guys start celebrating except for Wolf who remains silent. Snake notices this]'' :'''Snake''': Hey, buddy. You okay? :'''Wolf''': Huh? Oh. Uh, nothing. Just, uh, imagining my next round of thrilling job interviews. :'''Webs''': Wolfie, this is the plan. :'''Wolf''': Yeah. No, I know. I'm just saying... ''[sighs]'' What am I saying? I'm just saying, wh-- ''[sighs]'' what if we took a wrong turn with the whole going good thing? You know what I mean? :'''Snake''': Yeah, but it's gonna be different this time. :'''Webs''': "Captured the Phantom Bandit." That'll look great on your resume. :'''Piranha''': We're gonna be heroes. Piranha Street. :'''Wolf''': Yeah, no, yeah. Totally. ''[stammers, blows raspberries]'' What am I talking about? You're right. Come on, let's find the chief. Let's go. :'''Shark:''' That's my Wolf. :''[Wolf tries to start the van but it just sputters and dies]'' :'''Wolf''': Uh-oh. :''[Car headlights then turn on shining directly at them. The Bad Girls are revealed to be standing right in front of the hot dog van with Pigtail having a large wrench slung over her shoulder]'' :'''Kitty''': Did you really think it was gonna be that easy? Shoot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Diane''': ''[after fighting the Bad Girls]'' You're all under arrest. Governor's orders. :'''Kitty Kat''': Ohh, feisty! ''[wiping the injury Diane had inflicted on her face]'' You don't know, do you? You're not governor anymore. :'''Doom''': You might want to check your phone. :'''Pigtail''': Crimson Paw. :'''Diane''': ''[confused]'' Crimson…? ''[then becomes shocked]'' What? ''[looks at her phone, seeing many heartbroken and angry text messages on it; horrified]'' Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. ''[stutters]'' But... h-how? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiffany Fluffit''': A viral video has revealed that the notorious thief known as the Crimson Paw was (not Professor Marmalade, it was truly) none other than Governor Diane Foxington! While police search for the rogue politician, they have wasted no time in ordering the speedy release of sweet, adorable Professor Marmalade, unlike the Bad Guys, whose claim to have "changed" fooled absolutely no one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After McGuffinite and the MOON-X rocket was destroyed and Kitty saw them outside. She failed to steal all the gold in space.]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': '''NO!''' ''[angrily to Wolf]'' How do you expect to get back to Earth without a shuttle?! :'''Wolf''': At least there's an Earth to go- ''[until Kitty attacks and strangled him]'' :'''Kitty Kat''': ''[extremely enraged]'' You destroyed my beautiful plan! :''[When Kitty Kat is just about to kill Wolf, then someone showed up beating her and letting Wolf go as he saw that it was Diane appearing in the space station and Diane attacks Kitty and knocking her unconscious in rage, screaming furiously. Then Wolf saw Diane in surprise.]'' :'''Diane''': ''[tauntingly to Kitty]'' What did I tell you about messing with my friends?! :'''Wolf''': Wha-- How did you... ''[goes to Diane, happily]'' :'''Diane''': Wolf, we got-- Oh. ''[Wolf hugs Diane; then she hugs him back very hard and tight, then Wolf begins to explain to Diane sadly that he's failed to stop Kitty from uploading the video to the public for keeping her secret identity.]'' :'''Wolf''': We tried to stop her from posting... ''[But then Diane grabs Wolf's jacket and kissed him for the first time, and they float due to zero gravity. He gestured for her and they hold onto each other.]'' Wow. What happened to medium friendly? :'''Diane''': ''[chuckles and pulls off a flirty smirk]'' Well, good thing I'm not the governor anymore, huh? ''[Then they share another kiss again until Snake appeared, disgusted.]'' :'''Snake''': Ugh. Gross. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Luggins finishes giving her eulogy for the supposedly deceased Bad Guys and Diane. She sulks off sobbing to a side room, then when she closes the door, the sobs turn into laughter.]'' :'''Luggins''': Did I sell it, or did I ''sell it?'' :''[The camera turns to see the Bad Guys and Diane a bit battered but alive]'' :'''Snake''': Are you gonna tell us what this is all about? :'''Piranha''': Yeah, because I don't ''feel'' dead. == Taglines == * Back in badness. Lifes like a car chase == Cast == * [[w:Sam Rockwell|Sam Rockwell]] — Mr. Wolf * [[Marc Maron]] — Mr. Snake * [[Awkwafina]] — Ms. Tarantula (Webs) * [[w:Craig Robinson (actor)|Craig Robinson]] — Mr. Shark * [[w:Anthony Ramos|Anthony Ramos]] — Mr. Piranha * [[w:Zazie Beetz|Zazie Beetz]] — Diane Foxington * [[w:Danielle Brooks|Danielle Brooks]] — Kitty Kat * [[Natasha Lyonne]] — Doom / Susan * [[w:Maria Bakalova|Maria Bakalova]] — Pigtail Petrova * [[w:Alex Borstein|Alex Borstein]] — Police Commissioner Misty Luggins * [[w:Richard Ayoade|Richard Ayoade]] — Professor Marmalade * [[w:Lilly Singh|Lilly Singh]] — Tiffany Fluffit * [[Omid Djalili]] — Mr. Solomon * [[w:Colin Jost|Colin Jost]] — Mr. Moon * [[w:Jamie Camil|Jaime Camil]] — Handsome Jorge * Michael Godere — Craig * [[w:Kelly Stables|Kelly Stables]] — Maureen * [[w:Hugo Savinovich|Hugo Savinovich]] — Lucha Announcer * [[w:Jorge R. Gutierrez|Jorge R. Gutierrez]] — Lucha Spectator * [[Frank Welker]] — Kitty (Wolf's Pet Cat) ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|30017619}} {{The Bad Guys (franchise)}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bad Guys 2, The}} [[Category:2025 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2025 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Criminal comedy films]] [[Category:Heist films]] [[Category:Supervillain films]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films about talking animals]] [[Category:Animated films about wolves]] [[Category:Films about snakes]] [[Category:Films about piranhas]] [[Category:Films about spiders]] [[Category:Films about sharks]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Animated films about foxes]] [[Category:Animated films about big cats]] [[Category:Animated films about birds]] [[Category:Animated films about pigs]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Wrestling films]] [[Category:Animated films about weddings]] [[Category:Animated films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:American children's animated space adventure films]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] 8owtbvu0novm352fa5yi1qecgvtmi0q 0 294264 3944244 3919848 2026-05-22T18:37:33Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* Rockersize / Grin Reaper (1.14) */ 3944244 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Grojband|Grojband]]''''' (2013–2015), is a Canadian animated television series. "Grojband" follows the story of a Canadian indie rock garage band of the same name, formed by Corey Riffin and his three best friends: Laney and twin brothers Kin and Kon. Together, they strive to propel their band to international stardom. When they struggle to come up with lyrics, Corey and his friends enlist the help of Trina, Corey's sister. By tapping into her emotions to write entries in her diary, they find the lyrical inspiration they need for Corey to create the perfect song. == Dialogue == :'''Corey Riffin''': Got a band that's really cool Stealing words from you know who Playing gigs when we can Trying to impress our fans Older sister goes berserk Her temper is her biggest quirk I got a plan that might just work Now we're gonna rock And we're gonna roll We are Grojband! :'''All''': Whoa-oh-oh! == Episodes == === ''Cloudy with a Chance of Malt Balls / Dance of the Dead (1.01)'' === === ''Pox N' Roll / No Strings Attached (1.02)'' === === ''In-D Road Rager / Math of Kon (1.03)'' === === ''Space Jammin' / Wish Upon a Jug (1.04)'' === === ''All You Need is Cake / Helmet (1.05)'' === === ''Monster of Rock / One Plant Band (1.06)'' === === ''Creep Away Camp / Zoohouse Rock (1.07)'' === === ''Smash Up Terby / Queen Bee (1.08)'' === === ''Dreamreaver (1.09)'' === === ''Super Zeroes / Knight to Remember (1.10)'' === === ''Line of Credit / Hair Today, Kon Tomorrow (1.11)'' === === ''On the Air and Out to Sea / Ahead of Our Tone (1.12)'' === === ''Love In a Nethervator / Six Strings of Evil (1.13)'' === === ''Rockersize / Grin Reaper (1.14)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': Five seconds ago, things were ''absolutely'' great! I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS! === ''Rock the House / War and Peaceville (1.15)'' === === ''Myme Disease / Kon-fusion (1.16)'' === === ''Inn-Er Face / Who Are You (1.17)'' === === ''Pop Goes the Bubble / Girl Fest (1.18)'' === :'''Trina''': How did you know it was about you? Did Mina tell you the junk I feel? :'''Candy''': Duh. It's about him because I wrote it about him back when he dated. :'''Trina''': ''Dated?! You'' felt the junk that ''I'' feel for Nick? ''[her eyes flame up in fury] '''I don't even feel my own feelings?!''' [growls and goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''The Bandidate / The Pirate Lounge for Me (1.19)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[as the crowd laughs at her golden statue with a red gem on her face, resembling her pimple]'' My pimple?! '''''NO!''''' NO ONE VOTES FOR '''''PIMPLES!!!''' [goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''Hologroj / The Snuffles with Snarffles (1.20)'' === === ''Bee Bop a Loofah / A-capella-lips Now (1.21)'' === === ''Soulin' Down the Road / That's My Jam (1.22)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[as Corey and Nick hug; angrily]'' That's ''my'' hug! AND THAT'S '''''MY''''' JAM! === ''For Hat and Country / It's In the Card (1.23)'' === === ''Saxsquatch / Group Hug (1.24)'' === === ''Curse of the Metrognome / Dueling Buttons (1.25)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[growls angrily]'' I did this for Nick's face, and now I'm losing to… '''''COREY'S FACE!!!''''' :'''Mina''': Trina, you can't win without a game controller! === ''Hear Us, Rock! (1.26)'' === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Flash animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]] 9s34wp2lbvr9dm78z4r2w724rchlj8n 3944245 3944244 2026-05-22T18:37:53Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* Pop Goes the Bubble / Girl Fest (1.18) */ 3944245 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Grojband|Grojband]]''''' (2013–2015), is a Canadian animated television series. "Grojband" follows the story of a Canadian indie rock garage band of the same name, formed by Corey Riffin and his three best friends: Laney and twin brothers Kin and Kon. Together, they strive to propel their band to international stardom. When they struggle to come up with lyrics, Corey and his friends enlist the help of Trina, Corey's sister. By tapping into her emotions to write entries in her diary, they find the lyrical inspiration they need for Corey to create the perfect song. == Dialogue == :'''Corey Riffin''': Got a band that's really cool Stealing words from you know who Playing gigs when we can Trying to impress our fans Older sister goes berserk Her temper is her biggest quirk I got a plan that might just work Now we're gonna rock And we're gonna roll We are Grojband! :'''All''': Whoa-oh-oh! == Episodes == === ''Cloudy with a Chance of Malt Balls / Dance of the Dead (1.01)'' === === ''Pox N' Roll / No Strings Attached (1.02)'' === === ''In-D Road Rager / Math of Kon (1.03)'' === === ''Space Jammin' / Wish Upon a Jug (1.04)'' === === ''All You Need is Cake / Helmet (1.05)'' === === ''Monster of Rock / One Plant Band (1.06)'' === === ''Creep Away Camp / Zoohouse Rock (1.07)'' === === ''Smash Up Terby / Queen Bee (1.08)'' === === ''Dreamreaver (1.09)'' === === ''Super Zeroes / Knight to Remember (1.10)'' === === ''Line of Credit / Hair Today, Kon Tomorrow (1.11)'' === === ''On the Air and Out to Sea / Ahead of Our Tone (1.12)'' === === ''Love In a Nethervator / Six Strings of Evil (1.13)'' === === ''Rockersize / Grin Reaper (1.14)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': Five seconds ago, things were ''absolutely'' great! I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS! === ''Rock the House / War and Peaceville (1.15)'' === === ''Myme Disease / Kon-fusion (1.16)'' === === ''Inn-Er Face / Who Are You (1.17)'' === === ''Pop Goes the Bubble / Girl Fest (1.18)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': How did you know it was about you? Did Mina tell you the junk I feel? :'''Candy Jams''': Duh. It's about him because I wrote it about him back when he dated. :'''Trina Riffin''': ''Dated?! You'' felt the junk that ''I'' feel for Nick? ''[her eyes flame up in fury] '''I don't even feel my own feelings?!''' [growls and goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''The Bandidate / The Pirate Lounge for Me (1.19)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[as the crowd laughs at her golden statue with a red gem on her face, resembling her pimple]'' My pimple?! '''''NO!''''' NO ONE VOTES FOR '''''PIMPLES!!!''' [goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''Hologroj / The Snuffles with Snarffles (1.20)'' === === ''Bee Bop a Loofah / A-capella-lips Now (1.21)'' === === ''Soulin' Down the Road / That's My Jam (1.22)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[as Corey and Nick hug; angrily]'' That's ''my'' hug! AND THAT'S '''''MY''''' JAM! === ''For Hat and Country / It's In the Card (1.23)'' === === ''Saxsquatch / Group Hug (1.24)'' === === ''Curse of the Metrognome / Dueling Buttons (1.25)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[growls angrily]'' I did this for Nick's face, and now I'm losing to… '''''COREY'S FACE!!!''''' :'''Mina''': Trina, you can't win without a game controller! === ''Hear Us, Rock! (1.26)'' === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Flash animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]] keo454t7i569vpwmw75z5dwwhkj79pv 3944246 3944245 2026-05-22T18:38:06Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* The Bandidate / The Pirate Lounge for Me (1.19) */ 3944246 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Grojband|Grojband]]''''' (2013–2015), is a Canadian animated television series. "Grojband" follows the story of a Canadian indie rock garage band of the same name, formed by Corey Riffin and his three best friends: Laney and twin brothers Kin and Kon. Together, they strive to propel their band to international stardom. When they struggle to come up with lyrics, Corey and his friends enlist the help of Trina, Corey's sister. By tapping into her emotions to write entries in her diary, they find the lyrical inspiration they need for Corey to create the perfect song. == Dialogue == :'''Corey Riffin''': Got a band that's really cool Stealing words from you know who Playing gigs when we can Trying to impress our fans Older sister goes berserk Her temper is her biggest quirk I got a plan that might just work Now we're gonna rock And we're gonna roll We are Grojband! :'''All''': Whoa-oh-oh! == Episodes == === ''Cloudy with a Chance of Malt Balls / Dance of the Dead (1.01)'' === === ''Pox N' Roll / No Strings Attached (1.02)'' === === ''In-D Road Rager / Math of Kon (1.03)'' === === ''Space Jammin' / Wish Upon a Jug (1.04)'' === === ''All You Need is Cake / Helmet (1.05)'' === === ''Monster of Rock / One Plant Band (1.06)'' === === ''Creep Away Camp / Zoohouse Rock (1.07)'' === === ''Smash Up Terby / Queen Bee (1.08)'' === === ''Dreamreaver (1.09)'' === === ''Super Zeroes / Knight to Remember (1.10)'' === === ''Line of Credit / Hair Today, Kon Tomorrow (1.11)'' === === ''On the Air and Out to Sea / Ahead of Our Tone (1.12)'' === === ''Love In a Nethervator / Six Strings of Evil (1.13)'' === === ''Rockersize / Grin Reaper (1.14)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': Five seconds ago, things were ''absolutely'' great! I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS! === ''Rock the House / War and Peaceville (1.15)'' === === ''Myme Disease / Kon-fusion (1.16)'' === === ''Inn-Er Face / Who Are You (1.17)'' === === ''Pop Goes the Bubble / Girl Fest (1.18)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': How did you know it was about you? Did Mina tell you the junk I feel? :'''Candy Jams''': Duh. It's about him because I wrote it about him back when he dated. :'''Trina Riffin''': ''Dated?! You'' felt the junk that ''I'' feel for Nick? ''[her eyes flame up in fury] '''I don't even feel my own feelings?!''' [growls and goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''The Bandidate / The Pirate Lounge for Me (1.19)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': ''[as the crowd laughs at her golden statue with a red gem on her face, resembling her pimple]'' My pimple?! '''''NO!''''' NO ONE VOTES FOR '''''PIMPLES!!!''' [goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''Hologroj / The Snuffles with Snarffles (1.20)'' === === ''Bee Bop a Loofah / A-capella-lips Now (1.21)'' === === ''Soulin' Down the Road / That's My Jam (1.22)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[as Corey and Nick hug; angrily]'' That's ''my'' hug! AND THAT'S '''''MY''''' JAM! === ''For Hat and Country / It's In the Card (1.23)'' === === ''Saxsquatch / Group Hug (1.24)'' === === ''Curse of the Metrognome / Dueling Buttons (1.25)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[growls angrily]'' I did this for Nick's face, and now I'm losing to… '''''COREY'S FACE!!!''''' :'''Mina''': Trina, you can't win without a game controller! === ''Hear Us, Rock! (1.26)'' === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Flash animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]] cvfdf671uuhfns4b7cs9vrs7ibae7um 3944247 3944246 2026-05-22T18:38:17Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* Soulin' Down the Road / That's My Jam (1.22) */ 3944247 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Grojband|Grojband]]''''' (2013–2015), is a Canadian animated television series. "Grojband" follows the story of a Canadian indie rock garage band of the same name, formed by Corey Riffin and his three best friends: Laney and twin brothers Kin and Kon. Together, they strive to propel their band to international stardom. When they struggle to come up with lyrics, Corey and his friends enlist the help of Trina, Corey's sister. By tapping into her emotions to write entries in her diary, they find the lyrical inspiration they need for Corey to create the perfect song. == Dialogue == :'''Corey Riffin''': Got a band that's really cool Stealing words from you know who Playing gigs when we can Trying to impress our fans Older sister goes berserk Her temper is her biggest quirk I got a plan that might just work Now we're gonna rock And we're gonna roll We are Grojband! :'''All''': Whoa-oh-oh! == Episodes == === ''Cloudy with a Chance of Malt Balls / Dance of the Dead (1.01)'' === === ''Pox N' Roll / No Strings Attached (1.02)'' === === ''In-D Road Rager / Math of Kon (1.03)'' === === ''Space Jammin' / Wish Upon a Jug (1.04)'' === === ''All You Need is Cake / Helmet (1.05)'' === === ''Monster of Rock / One Plant Band (1.06)'' === === ''Creep Away Camp / Zoohouse Rock (1.07)'' === === ''Smash Up Terby / Queen Bee (1.08)'' === === ''Dreamreaver (1.09)'' === === ''Super Zeroes / Knight to Remember (1.10)'' === === ''Line of Credit / Hair Today, Kon Tomorrow (1.11)'' === === ''On the Air and Out to Sea / Ahead of Our Tone (1.12)'' === === ''Love In a Nethervator / Six Strings of Evil (1.13)'' === === ''Rockersize / Grin Reaper (1.14)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': Five seconds ago, things were ''absolutely'' great! I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS! === ''Rock the House / War and Peaceville (1.15)'' === === ''Myme Disease / Kon-fusion (1.16)'' === === ''Inn-Er Face / Who Are You (1.17)'' === === ''Pop Goes the Bubble / Girl Fest (1.18)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': How did you know it was about you? Did Mina tell you the junk I feel? :'''Candy Jams''': Duh. It's about him because I wrote it about him back when he dated. :'''Trina Riffin''': ''Dated?! You'' felt the junk that ''I'' feel for Nick? ''[her eyes flame up in fury] '''I don't even feel my own feelings?!''' [growls and goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''The Bandidate / The Pirate Lounge for Me (1.19)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': ''[as the crowd laughs at her golden statue with a red gem on her face, resembling her pimple]'' My pimple?! '''''NO!''''' NO ONE VOTES FOR '''''PIMPLES!!!''' [goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''Hologroj / The Snuffles with Snarffles (1.20)'' === === ''Bee Bop a Loofah / A-capella-lips Now (1.21)'' === === ''Soulin' Down the Road / That's My Jam (1.22)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': ''[as Corey and Nick hug; angrily]'' That's ''my'' hug! AND THAT'S '''''MY''''' JAM! === ''For Hat and Country / It's In the Card (1.23)'' === === ''Saxsquatch / Group Hug (1.24)'' === === ''Curse of the Metrognome / Dueling Buttons (1.25)'' === :'''Trina''': ''[growls angrily]'' I did this for Nick's face, and now I'm losing to… '''''COREY'S FACE!!!''''' :'''Mina''': Trina, you can't win without a game controller! === ''Hear Us, Rock! (1.26)'' === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Flash animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]] euzyl328soaho0xrbn5mdx3fcbj5d83 3944248 3944247 2026-05-22T18:38:29Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* Curse of the Metrognome / Dueling Buttons (1.25) */ 3944248 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Grojband|Grojband]]''''' (2013–2015), is a Canadian animated television series. "Grojband" follows the story of a Canadian indie rock garage band of the same name, formed by Corey Riffin and his three best friends: Laney and twin brothers Kin and Kon. Together, they strive to propel their band to international stardom. When they struggle to come up with lyrics, Corey and his friends enlist the help of Trina, Corey's sister. By tapping into her emotions to write entries in her diary, they find the lyrical inspiration they need for Corey to create the perfect song. == Dialogue == :'''Corey Riffin''': Got a band that's really cool Stealing words from you know who Playing gigs when we can Trying to impress our fans Older sister goes berserk Her temper is her biggest quirk I got a plan that might just work Now we're gonna rock And we're gonna roll We are Grojband! :'''All''': Whoa-oh-oh! == Episodes == === ''Cloudy with a Chance of Malt Balls / Dance of the Dead (1.01)'' === === ''Pox N' Roll / No Strings Attached (1.02)'' === === ''In-D Road Rager / Math of Kon (1.03)'' === === ''Space Jammin' / Wish Upon a Jug (1.04)'' === === ''All You Need is Cake / Helmet (1.05)'' === === ''Monster of Rock / One Plant Band (1.06)'' === === ''Creep Away Camp / Zoohouse Rock (1.07)'' === === ''Smash Up Terby / Queen Bee (1.08)'' === === ''Dreamreaver (1.09)'' === === ''Super Zeroes / Knight to Remember (1.10)'' === === ''Line of Credit / Hair Today, Kon Tomorrow (1.11)'' === === ''On the Air and Out to Sea / Ahead of Our Tone (1.12)'' === === ''Love In a Nethervator / Six Strings of Evil (1.13)'' === === ''Rockersize / Grin Reaper (1.14)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': Five seconds ago, things were ''absolutely'' great! I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS! === ''Rock the House / War and Peaceville (1.15)'' === === ''Myme Disease / Kon-fusion (1.16)'' === === ''Inn-Er Face / Who Are You (1.17)'' === === ''Pop Goes the Bubble / Girl Fest (1.18)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': How did you know it was about you? Did Mina tell you the junk I feel? :'''Candy Jams''': Duh. It's about him because I wrote it about him back when he dated. :'''Trina Riffin''': ''Dated?! You'' felt the junk that ''I'' feel for Nick? ''[her eyes flame up in fury] '''I don't even feel my own feelings?!''' [growls and goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''The Bandidate / The Pirate Lounge for Me (1.19)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': ''[as the crowd laughs at her golden statue with a red gem on her face, resembling her pimple]'' My pimple?! '''''NO!''''' NO ONE VOTES FOR '''''PIMPLES!!!''' [goes into Diary Mode]'' === ''Hologroj / The Snuffles with Snarffles (1.20)'' === === ''Bee Bop a Loofah / A-capella-lips Now (1.21)'' === === ''Soulin' Down the Road / That's My Jam (1.22)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': ''[as Corey and Nick hug; angrily]'' That's ''my'' hug! AND THAT'S '''''MY''''' JAM! === ''For Hat and Country / It's In the Card (1.23)'' === === ''Saxsquatch / Group Hug (1.24)'' === === ''Curse of the Metrognome / Dueling Buttons (1.25)'' === :'''Trina Riffin''': ''[growls angrily]'' I did this for Nick's face, and now I'm losing to… '''''COREY'S FACE!!!''''' :'''Mina Beff''': Trina, you can't win without a game controller! === ''Hear Us, Rock! (1.26)'' === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Flash animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]] el6mflelvzf1anb5pk4xxvnteo9pgt5 0 299964 3944239 3913675 2026-05-22T17:51:14Z UnknownMorsel 3106105 /* Dialogue */ 3944239 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:MaXXXine|MaXXXine]]''''' is a [[w:2024 in film|2024 film]] about a 1980s adult film star and aspiring actress who finally gets her big break. But as a mysterious killer stalks the starlets of Hollywood, a trail of blood threatens to reveal her sinister past. It is the third and final installment in the [[w:X (film series)|''X'' trilogy]] and a direct sequel to ''[[X (2022 film)|X]]'' (2022). :''Directed and written by [[w:Ti West|Ti West]].'' {{center/s}}'''Hollywood is a killer.'''{{center/e}} :'''''See also: [[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]]''''' == Maxine Minx == * Do you know what happened to the last person who tried to kill me? I crushed her fucking head. * ''[At other auditioning actresses]'' Y'all might as well go home, 'cuz I just fuckin' nailed that! * ''[to herself]'' You're a ''fucking'' movie star. * You didn't fail me, daddy. You gave me just what I needed. Divine intervention! == Elizabeth Bender == * ''[after Maxine shakes Molly's hand, covered in fake blood]'' Well, we've all got blood on our hands now... * Do you want a bit of free advice? Look around you. You've made it to the belly of the beast, congratulations, very few come this far. To stay here, you must make it your obsession. Eliminate all other distractions, because if you take your eye off that prize for even a moment, the beast will spit you right back out where you came from. May never get a taste for you again. * Angry people are so easy to lead. == Ernest Miller == * I did this all for you. I tried to give you what you wanted. To be just like your daddy. But I created a monster! * You shall be marked with the sign of the beast so that the devil may never hide amongst us. The choice is yours. Whaddya say? * Failing a child is the greatest sin of all. == Dialogue == :'''Tabby Martin''': Be careful out there. :'''Maxine Minx''': I can handle myself. :'''Tabby Martin''': So said every dead girl in Hollywood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maxine Minx''': Y'all should cast me in this movie. :'''Elizabeth Bender''': Oh, really? Why is that? :'''Maxine Minx''': 'Cuz I'm a star. Ain't nobody else like me. The whole world's gonna know my name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leon''': I'll organize the pizza and champagne for America's newest scream queen. :'''Maxine Minx''': That's why I like you! :'''Leon Green''': You like me 'cuz I'm the only guy who isn't trying to fuck you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elizabeth Bender''': This is the defining role in your career. Whatever's going on in your life that's interfering with this picture... Squash it. :'''Maxine Minx''': I intend to. <hr width="50%"/> :''[P.I. John Labat awakens handcuffed to the steering wheel of his car. He looks out the window to see Maxine.]'' :'''P.I. John Labat''' Now, you ''do'' got the devil in you... :'''Maxine Minx''': I thought you were an atheist. :''[John spits blood at her.]'' :'''P.I. John Labat''' Fuck you, bitch. :''[Maxine walks away from him and over to a console. She pushes a button. A wide shot reveals that his car is stationed in a crusher.]'' :'''P.I. John Labat''' Oh, no, no. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Don't do this! This ain't fair! I only work for the man! Killing me don't stop nothing, let's talk! Come on, you gonna need my help, Maxine! This isn't over! :'''Maxine Minx'': Yes, it is. :'''P.I. John Labat''' Oh, no, no! This ain't my cause! I can be bought! Anything you want, anything at all! Oh, no, no, please! Please, turn it off! I don't wanna die in here! Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and deliver us from evil! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maxine Minx''': Say it with me now... I will not accept a life I do not deserve! :'''Ernest Miller''': ''[with Maxine]'' I will not accept a life I do not deserve. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elizabeth Bender''': So now that everyone knows your name, any idea what you want to do next? You certainly got everyone's attention. :'''Maxine Minx''': I just never want it to end. == Cast == {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[Mia Goth]] - [[w:Maxine Minx|Maxine Miller/Maxine Minx]] ** Charley Rowan McCain - young Maxine Miller * [[w:Elizabeth Debicki|Elizabeth Debicki]] - Elizabeth Bender * [[w:Moses Sumney|Moses Sumney]] - Leon Green * [[w:Michelle Monaghan|Michelle Monaghan]] - Detective Williams * [[w:Bobby Cannavale|Bobby Cannavale]] - Detective Torres * [[w:Halsey (singer)|Halsey]] - Tabby Martin * [[w:Lily Collins|Lily Collins]] - Molly Bennett * [[w:Giancarlo Esposito|Giancarlo Esposito]] - Teddy Knight, Esq. {{col-2}} * [[w:Kevin Bacon|Kevin Bacon]] - John Labat * [[w:Simon Prast|Simon Prast]] - Reverend Ernest Miller * [[w:Sophie Thatcher|Sophie Thatcher]] - an FX Artist * [[w:Uli Latukefu|Uli Latukefu]] - Shephard Turei * Chloe Farnworth - Amber James * [[w:Deborah Geffner|Deborah Geffner]] - Elaine * [[w:Ned Vaughn|Ned Vaughn]] - the news anchor * [[w:Larry Fessenden|Larry Fessenden]] - a security guard * [[w:Toby Huss|Toby Huss]] - a coroner {{col-end}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=22048412|title=MaXXXine}} [[Category:2024 American films]] [[Category:2020s American horror films]] [[Category:Films about serial killers]] [[Category:Independent films]] [[Category:Slasher films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Films about acting]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films directed by Ti West]] hiodh7xxkr3b4uhwcuobxsirfdm74wi 0 301391 3944200 3944103 2026-05-22T15:00:22Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 /* Caillou Joins the Circus (Eternally Suspended, Banned, and Censored Episode) [1.2c] */ 3944200 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Season 1 (1997-1998)== ===Caillou Makes Cookies [1.1a]=== :'''Doris''': Caillou, what are you making? :'''Caillou''': ''[smiling softly]'' I'm making cookies. ===Caillou at Daycare [1.2b]=== :'''Leo''': ''[comes over to Caillou, but gets annoyed, and calls out to him]'' Hey! ''[snatches his one block from Caillou, causing the cup to spill over his shirt]'' These were my blocks! :'''Caillou''': ''[fearfully looking at his shirt, gasps in terror, and gets terrified where a glass of apple juice was spilled over it out of the cup, which made himself loudly, badly, and sadly screaming, and crying, in tears in his eyes, for his mom]'' <big><big><big>'''''MMM-O-O-O-MMMMMMYYY!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> ''[getting very upset in sadness]'' :'''Leo''': ''[rudely laughs to Caillou, and impolitely makes fun of him needing his mom]'' Your mommy was gone. ''[smirkly walks away]'' ===Caillou Joins the Circus (Eternally Suspended, Banned, and Censored Episode) [1.2c]=== :'''Caillou''': ''[while happily brushing his teeth, and remarks]'' I didn't need to be late for the circus. :'''Boris''': ''[confused]'' Hmm? The circus? ''[concerned, while trying to explain]'' Uh... nope. Caillou, this was not today. ''[bored, while proving to Caillou that he was very wrong]'' The circus wasn't until tomorrow. :'''Caillou''': ''[suddenly stops happily brushing his teeth before he gasps in terror, after he was incorrect, and gets too much distressed, and became very fearful, and terrified]'' Oh, no!!!!!! ''[getting very upset, and badly sadly whining, with his declaration]'' But it is today!!!!!! And I am getting all dressed!!!!!! ''[badly, and sadly crying, whining and sobbing with tears breaking down in his eyes, now being harassed by the fact that this was happening, over his big mistake]'' And that's today!!!!!! :'''Boris''': ''[grumpily neglecting Caillou's challenges]'' Aaaaaaaawwwwwwww! Come along, Caillou! ''[calmly tells Caillou to come downstairs to the kitchen]'' Just come downstairs and help me make breakfast. ''[walks out of the bathroom]'' :'''Caillou''': ''[now very promptly getting very pissed, out of rage, fierce, angry, tabooed, enraged, indignant, stubborn, and upset at Boris, and angrily, stubbornly, indignantly, and fiercely losing his temper, for pissing, enraging, and angering him, and denies, and won't come downstairs to the kitchen to help his dad make breakfast]'' No!!!!!! No, I can't do that!!!!!! ''[angrily, indignantly, and stubbornly sits down on the floor, and stays in the the bathroom, and fiercely, indignantly, stubbornly, and angrily growls with his mouth close, and his eyes open, then picks up his nearby toy car out of the toy bucket, and decides to play with it, to make himself feel a little better]'' Vroom, vroom, vroom! ''[mockingly vrooming, and playing his nearby toy car, with his very upset, pissed, stubborn, and angry face on, but until one of the wheels unintentionally got loose, and suddenly fell off on the floor, and then he gasps in terror, and became very fearful, and terrified again, and then picks up his nearby toy car, and then getting even more very pissed, hurtful, out of rage, sad, fierce, bad-tempered, enraged, stubborn, indignant, terrible, tabooed, disgusted, upset, angry, dangerous, rude, mean, and violent, and stubbornly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently outbursting into stubbornly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently screaming, crying, shouting, and calling his nearby toy car a very bad, stronger, profane, disgusting, indignant, mean, rude, and hurtful word, disregarding, and repeatedly using several times, but ignoring that it could hurt feelings, with tears breaking down in his eyes, and his eyes close, very tightly, and violently, fiercely, badly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily shaking his nearby toy car]'' <big><big><big>'''''You stupid, ol' car!!!!!! You are stupid!!!!!!-Stupid!!!!!!-Stupid!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> ''[violently, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily growling, with his eyes close, very tightly, and his mouth close, and badly, fiercely, stubbornly, angrily, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently throwing, and slamming his nearby toy car down on the floor away, when violently, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, angrily, stubbornly, terribly, and indignantly causing it to violently, fiercely, badly, completely, and terribly ruin, damage, wreck, break, destroy, and smash into thousands of pieces on purpose, and then indignantly, badly, loudly, sadly, fiercely, stubbornly, rudely, violently, and angrily screaming, shrieking, and crying, and bursting, and breaking down with tears coming out of his eyes, and while violently, angrily, badly, indignantly, loudly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, rudely, and stubbornly outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and badly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily feeling very cruel of what he had missed, and unfinished, while temperately heedles of how he had hurt feelings, and violently, angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, rudely, and stubbornly causing too much trouble, and violently, fiercely, terribly, sadly, badly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily having his really bad, too inappropriate, hurtful, dangerous, and violent misbehavior, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, violently, and angrily hurting, pounding, and banging his arms, and fists, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, angrily, and violently hurting, and kicking his legs, and feet against on the floor, over his completely ruined, damaged, wrecked, broken, destroyed, and smashed nearby toy car, and not coming to the circus today, and denies, and won't wait until tomorrow]'' <big><big><big>'''''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> :'''Storyteller''': ''[off-screen]'' Caillou was being a very bad boy now! But he was not coming to the circus today. :'''Boris''': ''[angrily, terribly, and rudely stunned, when angrily, terribly, and rudely hears Caillou, and was now getting very enraged, angry, terrible, and rude at him, in the approach, because of him, badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, violently, stubbornly, angrily, rudely, and indignantly having his really bad, violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, rudely, violently, indignantly, stubbornly, and angrily outbursting having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, huge, gigantic, and temper tantrum, in inertia, terribly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily causing too much trouble, and terribly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily screaming, shouting, and crying a very bad, disgusting, rude, indignant, stronger, profane, hurtful, and mean word, disregarding, and that he hurts feelings, and now coming back to the bathroom, and returning to the bathroom, and angrily, terribly, and rudely growling, and angrily, terribly, and rudley running over Caillou, while angrily, terribly, and rudely knocking him down, with his foot, by angrily, terribly, and rudely making him stop outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, and huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and having his really bad violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and causing too much trouble, and now arriving this time, while holding Rosie, who was very scared, upset, and crying, breaking down with tears in her eyes, when Caillou was waking her up, by outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, amd huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and having his really bad, violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and causing too much trouble, and angrily, terribly, and rudely thundering at Caillou, and angrily, terribly, and rudely blaming him for not coming downstairs to the kitchen, and looking like he was angrily, terribly, and rudely getting ready to angrily, terribly, and rudely punish him, for one whole day, for the very first time, for outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, and huge temper tantrum, in inertia, over not coming to the circus today, and having his really bad, hurtful, too inappropriate, dangerous, and violent misbehavior, and screaming, crying, and shouting a very bad, stronger, profane, disgusting, indignant, mean, rude, and hurtful word, disregarding, and repeatedly using several times, and that he hurts feelings, and causing too much trouble]'' Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! Get along, Caillou!!!!!! Stop all that racket!!!!!! You are waking up Rosie!!!!!! ''[still significantly, roughly, seriously, and sternly commands Caillou that he will still immediately come downstairs to the kitchen to help him make breakfast quickly]'' I need you to come right down the stairs, now. :'''Storyteller''': ''[off-screen]'' Even though, Caillou's dad has started to get really angry at him. ''[Boris angrily, terribly, and rudely strikes, and glares at Caillou, while angrily, terribly, and rudely growling again at him, with his mouth close, and his eyes open, and before angrily, terribly, and rudely growling again, with his mouth open, his eyes open, and his teeth close, and turns around, while angrily, terribly, and rudely stomping away out from the bathroom, and angrily, terribly, and rudely stomping away downstairs to the kitchen, holding Rosie, who was very upset, scared, and crying, breaking down with tears in her eyes]'' :'''Caillou''': ''[gets very terrified, panicked, frightened, and fearful again, after he badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, indignantly, stubbornly, regretfully, and angrily misjudged, confronted, and disobeyed Boris, and his order, and got in big deep trouble, and punished, for one whole day, for the very first time, and got very pissed, hurtful, frustrated, out of rage, tabooed, upset, bad-tempered, angry, indignant, fierce, stubborn, enraged, terrible, sad, panicky, scared, and regretful, then gets up, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, indignantly, and regretfully grunting, sobbing, whining, and crying with tears in his eyes]'' But why can't I go to the circus today?!!!?!!! ''[angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, stubbornly, and terribly growling again with his mouth close, when angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, stubbornly, and terribly kicking aside his completely ruined, damaged, wrecked, broken, destroyed, and smashed nearby toy car away on the floor, and started indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully running away from the bathroom, indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully storming off from the bathroom, and indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully running after Boris, feeling very indignant, scared, fierce, enraged, tabooed, bad-tempered, panicky, sad, stubborn, regretful, terrible, angry, out of rage, pissed, hurtful, frustrated, and upset, over not coming to the circus today, until tomorrow, but about him wanting to go to the circus today, badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, angrily, stubbornly, and indignantly confronting, whining, sobbing, sniffing, grunting, and crying, about his punishment, for the very first time, that he got, for one whole day, breaking down with tears in his eyes, before coming downstairs to the kitchen to help his dad make breakfast, but still denies, and won't help him make breakfast]'' I want to go to the circus today!!!!!! otirvgodian1ssugyad023zwwzr8bqw 3944229 3944200 2026-05-22T16:20:32Z ~2026-30333-90 3326472 /* Season 1 (1997-1998) */ 3944229 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Season 1 (1997-1999)== ===Caillou Makes Cookies [1.1a]=== :'''Doris''': Caillou, what are you making? :'''Caillou''': ''[smiling softly]'' I'm making cookies. ===Caillou at Daycare [1.2b]=== :'''Leo''': ''[comes over to Caillou, but gets annoyed, and calls out to him]'' Hey! ''[snatches his one block from Caillou, causing the cup to spill over his shirt]'' These were my blocks! :'''Caillou''': ''[fearfully looking at his shirt, gasps in terror, and gets terrified where a glass of apple juice was spilled over it out of the cup, which made himself loudly, badly, and sadly screaming, and crying, in tears in his eyes, for his mom]'' <big><big><big>'''''MMM-O-O-O-MMMMMMYYY!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> ''[getting very upset in sadness]'' :'''Leo''': ''[rudely laughs to Caillou, and impolitely makes fun of him needing his mom]'' Your mommy was gone. ''[smirkly walks away]'' ===Caillou Joins the Circus (Eternally Suspended, Banned, and Censored Episode) [1.2c]=== :'''Caillou''': ''[while happily brushing his teeth, and remarks]'' I didn't need to be late for the circus. :'''Boris''': ''[confused]'' Hmm? The circus? ''[concerned, while trying to explain]'' Uh... nope. Caillou, this was not today. ''[bored, while proving to Caillou that he was very wrong]'' The circus wasn't until tomorrow. :'''Caillou''': ''[suddenly stops happily brushing his teeth before he gasps in terror, after he was incorrect, and gets too much distressed, and became very fearful, and terrified]'' Oh, no!!!!!! ''[getting very upset, and badly sadly whining, with his declaration]'' But it is today!!!!!! And I am getting all dressed!!!!!! ''[badly, and sadly crying, whining and sobbing with tears breaking down in his eyes, now being harassed by the fact that this was happening, over his big mistake]'' And that's today!!!!!! :'''Boris''': ''[grumpily neglecting Caillou's challenges]'' Aaaaaaaawwwwwwww! Come along, Caillou! ''[calmly tells Caillou to come downstairs to the kitchen]'' Just come downstairs and help me make breakfast. ''[walks out of the bathroom]'' :'''Caillou''': ''[now very promptly getting very pissed, out of rage, fierce, angry, tabooed, enraged, indignant, stubborn, and upset at Boris, and angrily, stubbornly, indignantly, and fiercely losing his temper, for pissing, enraging, and angering him, and denies, and won't come downstairs to the kitchen to help his dad make breakfast]'' No!!!!!! No, I can't do that!!!!!! ''[angrily, indignantly, and stubbornly sits down on the floor, and stays in the the bathroom, and fiercely, indignantly, stubbornly, and angrily growls with his mouth close, and his eyes open, then picks up his nearby toy car out of the toy bucket, and decides to play with it, to make himself feel a little better]'' Vroom, vroom, vroom! ''[mockingly vrooming, and playing his nearby toy car, with his very upset, pissed, stubborn, and angry face on, but until one of the wheels unintentionally got loose, and suddenly fell off on the floor, and then he gasps in terror, and became very fearful, and terrified again, and then picks up his nearby toy car, and then getting even more very pissed, hurtful, out of rage, sad, fierce, bad-tempered, enraged, stubborn, indignant, terrible, tabooed, disgusted, upset, angry, dangerous, rude, mean, and violent, and stubbornly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently outbursting into stubbornly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently screaming, crying, shouting, and calling his nearby toy car a very bad, stronger, profane, disgusting, indignant, mean, rude, and hurtful word, disregarding, and repeatedly using several times, but ignoring that it could hurt feelings, with tears breaking down in his eyes, and his eyes close, very tightly, and violently, fiercely, badly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily shaking his nearby toy car]'' <big><big><big>'''''You stupid, ol' car!!!!!! You are stupid!!!!!!-Stupid!!!!!!-Stupid!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> ''[violently, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily growling, with his eyes close, very tightly, and his mouth close, and badly, fiercely, stubbornly, angrily, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently throwing, and slamming his nearby toy car down on the floor away, when violently, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, angrily, stubbornly, terribly, and indignantly causing it to violently, fiercely, badly, completely, and terribly ruin, damage, wreck, break, destroy, and smash into thousands of pieces on purpose, and then indignantly, badly, loudly, sadly, fiercely, stubbornly, rudely, violently, and angrily screaming, shrieking, and crying, and bursting, and breaking down with tears coming out of his eyes, and while violently, angrily, badly, indignantly, loudly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, rudely, and stubbornly outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and badly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily feeling very cruel of what he had missed, and unfinished, while temperately heedles of how he had hurt feelings, and violently, angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, rudely, and stubbornly causing too much trouble, and violently, fiercely, terribly, sadly, badly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily having his really bad, too inappropriate, hurtful, dangerous, and violent misbehavior, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, violently, and angrily hurting, pounding, and banging his arms, and fists, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, angrily, and violently hurting, and kicking his legs, and feet against on the floor, over his completely ruined, damaged, wrecked, broken, destroyed, and smashed nearby toy car, and not coming to the circus today, and denies, and won't wait until tomorrow]'' <big><big><big>'''''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> :'''Storyteller''': ''[off-screen]'' Caillou was being a very bad boy now! But he was not coming to the circus today. :'''Boris''': ''[angrily, terribly, and rudely stunned, when angrily, terribly, and rudely hears Caillou, and was now getting very enraged, angry, terrible, and rude at him, in the approach, because of him, badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, violently, stubbornly, angrily, rudely, and indignantly having his really bad, violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, rudely, violently, indignantly, stubbornly, and angrily outbursting having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, huge, gigantic, and temper tantrum, in inertia, terribly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily causing too much trouble, and terribly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily screaming, shouting, and crying a very bad, disgusting, rude, indignant, stronger, profane, hurtful, and mean word, disregarding, and that he hurts feelings, and now coming back to the bathroom, and returning to the bathroom, and angrily, terribly, and rudely growling, and angrily, terribly, and rudley running over Caillou, while angrily, terribly, and rudely knocking him down, with his foot, by angrily, terribly, and rudely making him stop outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, and huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and having his really bad violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and causing too much trouble, and now arriving this time, while holding Rosie, who was very scared, upset, and crying, breaking down with tears in her eyes, when Caillou was waking her up, by outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, amd huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and having his really bad, violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and causing too much trouble, and angrily, terribly, and rudely thundering at Caillou, and angrily, terribly, and rudely blaming him for not coming downstairs to the kitchen, and looking like he was angrily, terribly, and rudely getting ready to angrily, terribly, and rudely punish him, for one whole day, for the very first time, for outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, and huge temper tantrum, in inertia, over not coming to the circus today, and having his really bad, hurtful, too inappropriate, dangerous, and violent misbehavior, and screaming, crying, and shouting a very bad, stronger, profane, disgusting, indignant, mean, rude, and hurtful word, disregarding, and repeatedly using several times, and that he hurts feelings, and causing too much trouble]'' Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! Get along, Caillou!!!!!! Stop all that racket!!!!!! You are waking up Rosie!!!!!! ''[still significantly, roughly, seriously, and sternly commands Caillou that he will still immediately come downstairs to the kitchen to help him make breakfast quickly]'' I need you to come right down the stairs, now. :'''Storyteller''': ''[off-screen]'' Even though, Caillou's dad has started to get really angry at him. ''[Boris angrily, terribly, and rudely strikes, and glares at Caillou, while angrily, terribly, and rudely growling again at him, with his mouth close, and his eyes open, and before angrily, terribly, and rudely growling again, with his mouth open, his eyes open, and his teeth close, and turns around, while angrily, terribly, and rudely stomping away out from the bathroom, and angrily, terribly, and rudely stomping away downstairs to the kitchen, holding Rosie, who was very upset, scared, and crying, breaking down with tears in her eyes]'' :'''Caillou''': ''[gets very terrified, panicked, frightened, and fearful again, after he badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, indignantly, stubbornly, regretfully, and angrily misjudged, confronted, and disobeyed Boris, and his order, and got in big deep trouble, and punished, for one whole day, for the very first time, and got very pissed, hurtful, frustrated, out of rage, tabooed, upset, bad-tempered, angry, indignant, fierce, stubborn, enraged, terrible, sad, panicky, scared, and regretful, then gets up, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, indignantly, and regretfully grunting, sobbing, whining, and crying with tears in his eyes]'' But why can't I go to the circus today?!!!?!!! ''[angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, stubbornly, and terribly growling again with his mouth close, when angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, stubbornly, and terribly kicking aside his completely ruined, damaged, wrecked, broken, destroyed, and smashed nearby toy car away on the floor, and started indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully running away from the bathroom, indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully storming off from the bathroom, and indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully running after Boris, feeling very indignant, scared, fierce, enraged, tabooed, bad-tempered, panicky, sad, stubborn, regretful, terrible, angry, out of rage, pissed, hurtful, frustrated, and upset, over not coming to the circus today, until tomorrow, but about him wanting to go to the circus today, badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, angrily, stubbornly, and indignantly confronting, whining, sobbing, sniffing, grunting, and crying, about his punishment, for the very first time, that he got, for one whole day, breaking down with tears in his eyes, before coming downstairs to the kitchen to help his dad make breakfast, but still denies, and won't help him make breakfast]'' I want to go to the circus today!!!!!! 9epjvhakh6t6faf29vp18jhum1ckt8p 0 302909 3944425 3941833 2026-05-23T10:32:50Z GrimRob 1187925 /* May 2026 */ Rubio - Cuban threat 3944425 wikitext text/x-wiki The '''{{w|Second Presidency of Donald Trump}}''' began on [[w:Second inauguration of Donald Trump|his inauguration]] [[w:Eastern Time Zone|EST]] on January 20, 2025, when [[Donald Trump]] was [[w:Second inauguration of Donald Trump|inaugurated]] as the [[w:List of Presidents of the United States|47th]] [[president of the United States]], succeeding [[Joe Biden]] :See also: ::'''''[[2026 Iran war]]''''' ::'''''[[Donald Trump on social media]]''''' ::'''''[[Trumpism]]''''' ==Quotes== [[File:CA Guard and protestors, June 2025.jpg|thumb|California may be first, but it clearly will not end here. Other states are next. Democracy is next. Democracy is under assault before our eyes. ~ [[Gavin Newsom]]]] [[File:Noah R. Feldman at Harvard University (cropped).jpg|thumb|We need independent universities. We need an independent press. And, of course, we need independent courts. And Trump doesn't like independence because independent institutions can say no to him. And the more he can weaken the independence of those institutions, the more he can make his agenda the dominant agenda. And ultimately, this is about Trump trying to impose his view of the world on everybody else. ~ [[Noah Feldman]]]] [[File:Transphobia (alt).png|thumb|It is the policy of the United States to recognize two sexes, male and female. [[Transphobia in the United States|These sexes are not changeable and are grounded in fundamental and incontrovertible reality.]] ~ [[Donald Trump]]]] [[File:Second cabinet of Donald Trump in August 2025.jpg|thumb|The administration is efficient and punctual, and its leader can do no wrong. The American republic is aiming for a head-on collision with democracy, and not incidentally is becoming an enigma, if not a laughingstock, to the rest of the free world. It has to stop. ~ Religion News Service]] [[File:Flag map of Canada.svg|thumb|As United States President Donald Trump relentlessly threatens to annex Canada, reiterating the threat again this week in a speech to American military officials, some Canadians are worried that a U.S. invasion could one day become a reality. How would that scenario play out? Looking at the sheer size of the American military, many people might believe that Trump would enjoy an easy victory.<br>That analysis is wrong. ~ Aisha Ahmad]] === 2025 === ==== January 2025 ==== * The privilege of United States citizenship is a priceless and profound gift. The Fourteenth Amendment states: “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.” That provision rightly repudiated the Supreme Court of the United States’s shameful decision in Dred Scott v. Sandford, 60 U.S. (19 How.) 393 (1857), which misinterpreted the Constitution as permanently excluding people of African descent from eligibility for United States citizenship solely based on their race.<br>But the Fourteenth Amendment has never been interpreted to extend citizenship universally to everyone born within the United States. The Fourteenth Amendment has always excluded from birthright citizenship persons who were born in the United States but not “subject to the jurisdiction thereof.” Consistent with this understanding, the Congress has further specified through legislation that “a person born in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof” is a national and citizen of the United States at birth, 8 U.S.C. 1401, generally mirroring the Fourteenth Amendment’s text.<br>Among the categories of individuals born in the United States and not subject to the jurisdiction thereof, the privilege of United States citizenship does not automatically extend to persons born in the United States: (1) when that person’s mother was unlawfully present in the United States and the father was not a United States citizen or lawful permanent resident at the time of said person’s birth, or (2) when that person’s mother’s presence in the United States at the time of said person’s birth was lawful but temporary (such as, but not limited to, visiting the United States under the auspices of the Visa Waiver Program or visiting on a student, work, or tourist visa) and the father was not a United States citizen or lawful permanent resident at the time of said person’s birth. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/protecting-the-meaning-and-value-of-american-citizenship/Executive Order 14160: Protecting the Meaning and Value of American Citizenship], 20 January 2025 * It is the policy of the United States that no department or agency of the United States government shall issue documents recognizing United States citizenship, or accept documents issued by State, local, or other governments or authorities purporting to recognize United States citizenship, to persons: (1) when that person’s mother was unlawfully present in the United States and the person’s father was not a United States citizen or lawful permanent resident at the time of said person’s birth, or (2) when that person’s mother’s presence in the United States was lawful but temporary, and the person’s father was not a United States citizen or lawful permanent resident at the time of said person’s birth. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/protecting-the-meaning-and-value-of-american-citizenship/Executive Order 14160: Protecting the Meaning and Value of American Citizenship], 20 January 2025 * Without DEI, we are told, hiring and promotions will be merit-based. Make no mistake though, merit has traditionally been liberally peppered with cronyism and good-ol’-boy-ism. Now add to that fealty to the Trump Administration rather than the Constitution.<br>The reality is that Fagan’s firing has nothing to do with bolstering national security. Just the opposite. It is part of a regressive social agenda to put women back in their place, misogyny being the glue that holds together the many racist, anti-immigration, LGBTQ+ and other hate groups that have been unleashed in America. ** Joan Johnson-Freese, [https://alabamareflector.com/2025/01/28/firing-of-coast-guard-commandant-serves-a-regressive-social-agenda/"Firing of Coast Guard commandant serves a regressive social agenda"], ''Alabama Reflector'', 28 January 2025 * It is worth noting as well that it was President Donald Trump who signed the Women, Peace and Security (WPS) Act in 2017, mandating the implementation of United Nations Security Council Resolution 1325 (2000) that recognizes the links between gender and security and therefore seeks to bolster women’s participation in security affairs. UNSCR 1325 is built upon four pillars: participation, prevention, protection, and relief and recovery efforts. WPS emphasizes the need for inclusive diversity (women having not just a seat, but a voice at decision-making tables) and consideration of how policies and programs affect men, women, boys and girls differently. ** Joan Johnson-Freese, [https://alabamareflector.com/2025/01/28/firing-of-coast-guard-commandant-serves-a-regressive-social-agenda/"Firing of Coast Guard commandant serves a regressive social agenda"], ''Alabama Reflector'', 28 January 2025 * Her firing was an insult to Fagan’s career and legacy and will have significant negative national security implications.<br>The Trump Administration has vowed to end “radical and wasteful” government DEI programs. “A woke military is a weak military” DEI critics like to say. Actually, however, a well-executed DEI program can address challenges being faced by the military. Those challenges are sometimes referred to as the “5 Rs”: recruitment, retention, readiness, resources and risk to force/risk to mission. ** Joan Johnson-Freese, [https://alabamareflector.com/2025/01/28/firing-of-coast-guard-commandant-serves-a-regressive-social-agenda/"Firing of Coast Guard commandant serves a regressive social agenda"], ''Alabama Reflector'', 28 January 2025 * Firing Fagan was likely just the first salvo in ridding the Pentagon, and the government generally, of individuals who support diversity. What’s the next chapter? The path forward is no longer visible, just like the Coast Guard web page that used to feature Fagan’s photo and biography. ** Joan Johnson-Freese, [https://alabamareflector.com/2025/01/28/firing-of-coast-guard-commandant-serves-a-regressive-social-agenda/"Firing of Coast Guard commandant serves a regressive social agenda"], ''Alabama Reflector'', 28 January 2025 * Across the country, ideologues who deny the biological reality of sex have increasingly used legal and other socially coercive means to permit men to self-identify as women and gain access to intimate single-sex spaces and activities designed for women, from women’s domestic abuse shelters to women’s workplace showers. This is wrong. Efforts to eradicate the biological reality of sex fundamentally attack women by depriving them of their dignity, safety, and well-being. The erasure of sex in language and policy has a corrosive impact not just on women but on the validity of the entire American system. Basing Federal policy on truth is critical to scientific inquiry, public safety, morale, and trust in government itself.<br>This unhealthy road is paved by an ongoing and purposeful attack against the ordinary and longstanding use and understanding of biological and scientific terms, replacing the immutable biological reality of sex with an internal, fluid, and subjective sense of self unmoored from biological facts. Invalidating the true and biological category of “woman” improperly transforms laws and policies designed to protect sex-based opportunities into laws and policies that undermine them, replacing longstanding, cherished legal rights and values with an identity-based, inchoate social concept.<br>Accordingly, my Administration will defend women’s rights and protect freedom of conscience by using clear and accurate language and policies that recognize women are biologically female, and men are biologically male. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/defending-women-from-gender-ideology-extremism-and-restoring-biological-truth-to-the-federal-government/Executive Order 14168: "Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government"], 20 January 2025 * '''It is the policy of the United States to recognize two sexes, male and female. These sexes are not changeable and are grounded in fundamental and incontrovertible reality.''' ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/defending-women-from-gender-ideology-extremism-and-restoring-biological-truth-to-the-federal-government/Executive Order 14168: "Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government"], 20 January 2025 * “Gender ideology” replaces the biological category of sex with an ever-shifting concept of self-assessed gender identity, permitting the false claim that males can identify as and thus become women and vice versa, and requiring all institutions of society to regard this false claim as true. Gender ideology includes the idea that there is a vast spectrum of genders that are disconnected from one’s sex. Gender ideology is internally inconsistent, in that it diminishes sex as an identifiable or useful category but nevertheless maintains that it is possible for a person to be born in the wrong sexed body. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/defending-women-from-gender-ideology-extremism-and-restoring-biological-truth-to-the-federal-government/Executive Order 14168: "Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government"], 20 January 2025 * Agencies shall remove all statements, policies, regulations, forms, communications, or other internal and external messages that promote or otherwise inculcate gender ideology, and shall cease issuing such statements, policies, regulations, forms, communications or other messages. Agency forms that require an individual’s sex shall list male or female, and shall not request gender identity. Agencies shall take all necessary steps, as permitted by law, to end the Federal funding of gender ideology. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/defending-women-from-gender-ideology-extremism-and-restoring-biological-truth-to-the-federal-government/Executive Order 14168: "Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government"], 20 January 2025 * By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered:<br>Section 1. Policy and Purpose. Across the country today, medical professionals are maiming and sterilizing a growing number of impressionable children under the radical and false claim that adults can change a child’s sex through a series of irreversible medical interventions. This dangerous trend will be a stain on our Nation’s history, and it must end.<br>Countless children soon regret that they have been mutilated and begin to grasp the horrifying tragedy that they will never be able to conceive children of their own or nurture their children through breastfeeding. Moreover, these vulnerable youths’ medical bills may rise throughout their lifetimes, as they are often trapped with lifelong medical complications, a losing war with their own bodies, and, tragically, sterilization.<br>Accordingly, it is the policy of the United States that it will not fund, sponsor, promote, assist, or support the so-called “transition” of a child from one sex to another, and it will rigorously enforce all laws that prohibit or limit these destructive and life-altering procedures. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/protecting-children-from-chemical-and-surgical-mutilation/Executive Order 14187: "Protect Children from Chemical and Surgical Mutilation"], 28 January 2025 * The phrase “chemical and surgical mutilation” means the use of puberty blockers, including GnRH agonists and other interventions, to delay the onset or progression of normally timed puberty in an individual who does not identify as his or her sex; the use of sex hormones, such as androgen blockers, estrogen, progesterone, or testosterone, to align an individual’s physical appearance with an identity that differs from his or her sex; and surgical procedures that attempt to transform an individual’s physical appearance to align with an identity that differs from his or her sex or that attempt to alter or remove an individual’s sexual organs to minimize or destroy their natural biological functions. This phrase sometimes is referred to as “gender affirming care.” ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/protecting-children-from-chemical-and-surgical-mutilation/Executive Order 14187: "Protect Children from Chemical and Surgical Mutilation"], 28 January 2025 * Sec. 3. Ending Reliance on Junk Science. (a) The blatant harm done to children by chemical and surgical mutilation cloaks itself in medical necessity, spurred by guidance from the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), which lacks scientific integrity. In light of the scientific concerns with the WPATH guidance:<br>(i) agencies shall rescind or amend all policies that rely on WPATH guidance, including WPATH’s “Standards of Care Version 8”; and<br>(ii) within 90 days of the date of this order, the Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) shall publish a review of the existing literature on best practices for promoting the health of children who assert gender dysphoria, rapid-onset gender dysphoria, or other identity-based confusion.<br>(b) The Secretary of HHS, as appropriate and consistent with applicable law, shall use all available methods to increase the quality of data to guide practices for improving the health of minors with gender dysphoria, rapid-onset gender dysphoria, or other identity-based confusion, or who otherwise seek chemical or surgical mutilation. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/protecting-children-from-chemical-and-surgical-mutilation/Executive Order 14187: "Protect Children from Chemical and Surgical Mutilation"], 28 January 2025 * Sec. 4. Defunding Chemical and Surgical Mutilation. The head of each executive department or agency (agency) that provides research or education grants to medical institutions, including medical schools and hospitals, shall, consistent with applicable law and in coordination with the Director of the Office of Management and Budget, immediately take appropriate steps to ensure that institutions receiving Federal research or education grants end the chemical and surgical mutilation of children. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/protecting-children-from-chemical-and-surgical-mutilation/Executive Order 14187: "Protect Children from Chemical and Surgical Mutilation"], 28 January 2025 * Sec. 6. TRICARE. The Department of Defense provides health insurance, through TRICARE, to nearly 2 million individuals under the age of 18. As appropriate and consistent with applicable law, the Secretary of Defense shall commence a rulemaking or sub-regulatory action to exclude chemical and surgical mutilation of children from TRICARE coverage and amend the TRICARE provider handbook to exclude chemical and surgical mutilation of children. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/protecting-children-from-chemical-and-surgical-mutilation/Executive Order 14187: "Protect Children from Chemical and Surgical Mutilation"], 28 January 2025 * Imprinting anti-American, subversive, harmful, and false ideologies on our Nation’s children not only violates longstanding anti-discrimination civil rights law in many cases, but usurps basic parental authority. For example, steering students toward surgical and chemical mutilation without parental consent or involvement or allowing males access to private spaces designated for females may contravene Federal laws that protect parental rights, including the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) and the Protection of Pupil Rights Amendment (PPRA), and sex-based equality and opportunity, including Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 (Title IX). Similarly, demanding acquiescence to “White Privilege” or “unconscious bias,” actually promotes racial discrimination and undermines national unity. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/ending-radical-indoctrination-in-k-12-schooling/Executive Order 14190: "Ending Radical Indoctrination in K-12 Schooling"], 29 January 2025 * Within 90 days of the date of this order, to advise the President in formulating future policy, the Secretary of Education, the Secretary of Defense, and the Secretary of Health and Human Services, in consultation with the Attorney General, shall provide an Ending Indoctrination Strategy to the President, through the Assistant to the President for Domestic Policy, containing recommendations and a plan for:<br>(i) eliminating Federal funding or support for illegal and discriminatory treatment and indoctrination in K-12 schools, including based on gender ideology and discriminatory equity ideology<br>(ii) protecting parental rights, pursuant to FERPA, 20 U.S.C. 1232g, and the PPRA, 20 U.S.C. 1232h, with respect to any K-12 policies or conduct implicated by the purpose and policy of this order.<br>(b) The Ending Indoctrination Strategy submitted under subsection (a) of this section shall contain a summary and analysis of the following:<br>(i) All Federal funding sources and streams, including grants or contracts, that directly or indirectly support or subsidize the instruction, advancement, or promotion of gender ideology or discriminatory equity ideology:<br>(A) in K-12 curriculum, instruction, programs, or activities; or<br>(B) in K-12 teacher education, certification, licensing, employment, or training;<br>(ii) Each agency’s process to prevent or rescind Federal funds, to the maximum extent consistent with applicable law, from being used by an ESA, SEA, LEA, elementary school, or secondary school to directly or indirectly support or subsidize the instruction, advancement, or promotion of gender ideology or discriminatory equity ideology in:<br>(A) K-12 curriculum, instruction, programs, or activities; or<br>(B) K-12 teacher certification, licensing, employment, or training;<br>(iii) Each agency’s process to prevent or rescind Federal funds, to the maximum extent consistent with applicable law, from being used by an ESA, SEA, LEA, elementary school, or secondary school to directly or indirectly support or subsidize the social transition of a minor student, including through school staff or teachers or through deliberately concealing the minor’s social transition from the minor’s parents. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/ending-radical-indoctrination-in-k-12-schooling/Executive Order 14190: "Ending Radical Indoctrination in K-12 Schooling"], 29 January 2025 ===== Inaugural Address (January 20th, 2025) ===== *From this day forward, our country will flourish and be respected again all over the world. We will be the envy of every nation, and we will not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of any longer. During every single day of the Trump administration, I will very simply put America first. *My recent election is a mandate to completely and totally reverse a horrible betrayal and all of these many betrayals that have taken place and to give the people back their faith, their wealth, their democracy, and, indeed, their freedom. From this moment on, America’s decline is over. *Just a few months ago, in a beautiful Pennsylvania field, an assassin’s bullet ripped through my ear. But I felt then and believe even more so now that my life was saved for a reason. '''I was saved by God to Make America Great Again.''' *Today, I will sign a series of historic executive orders. With these actions, we will begin the complete restoration of America and the revolution of common sense. It’s all about common sense. *We will measure our success not only by the battles we win, but also by the wars that we end, and perhaps most importantly, the wars we never get into. My proudest legacy will be that of a peacemaker and unifier. That’s what I want to be. A peacemaker and a unifier. *I stand before you now as proof that you should never believe that something is impossible to do. In America, the impossible is what we do best. *We will stand bravely, we will live proudly, we will dream boldly, and nothing will stand in our way because we are Americans. The future is ours, and our golden age has just begun. **[[Donald Trump]], [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Donald_Trump%27s_Inaugural_Address_(2025) Second inaugural address], 20 January 2025 ==== February 2025 ==== * By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, and to protect opportunities for women and girls to compete in safe and fair sports, it is hereby ordered: Section 1. Policy and Purpose. In recent years, many educational institutions and athletic associations have allowed men to compete in women’s sports. This is demeaning, unfair, and dangerous to women and girls, and denies women and girls the equal opportunity to participate and excel in competitive sports.<br>Therefore, it is the policy of the United States to rescind all funds from educational programs that deprive women and girls of fair athletic opportunities, which results in the endangerment, humiliation, and silencing of women and girls and deprives them of privacy. It shall also be the policy of the United States to oppose male competitive participation in women’s sports more broadly, as a matter of safety, fairness, dignity, and truth. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/02/keeping-men-out-of-womens-sports/Executive Order 14201: "Keeping Men Out of Women’s Sports"], 5 February 2025 * The Secretary of State, including through the Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs’ Sports Diplomacy Division and the Representative of the United States of America to the United Nations, shall:<br>(i) rescind support for and participation in people-to-people sports exchanges or other sports programs within which the relevant female sports category is based on identity and not sex ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/02/keeping-men-out-of-womens-sports/Executive Order 14201: "Keeping Men Out of Women’s Sports"], 5 February 2025 *They haven’t done that [attempted to assassinate Trump] and that would be a terrible thing for them to do. Not because of me— if they did that, they would be obliterated. That would be the end. I’ve left instructions, if they do it, they get obliterated, there won’t be anything left. **[[Donald Trump]] when questioned about Iran and proxies threatening to assassinate him after he signed executive order to put ‘maximum pressure’ on Iran, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5126429-trump-iran-assassinate/ Trump warns he left instructions to ‘obliterate’ Iran if he is assassinated] ‘’The Hill’’ (February 4, 2025) *The only reason the Palestinians want to go back to Gaza is they have no alternative. It's right now a demolition site. This is just a demolition site. Virtually every building is down. They're living under fallen concrete that's very dangerous and very precarious. They instead can occupy all of a beautiful area with homes and safety and they can live out their lives in peace and harmony instead of having to go back and do it again. The US will take over the Gaza Strip and we will do a job with it too. We'll own it and be responsible for dismantling all of the dangerous unexploded bombs and other weapons on the site, level the site and get rid of the destroyed buildings, level it out. Create an economic development that will supply unlimited numbers of jobs and housing for the people of the area. Do a real job, do something different.<br>... So, by the United States, with its stability and strength, owning it, especially the strength that we're developing and developed over the last fairly short period of time, I would say really since the election, I think we'll be a great keeper of something that is very, very strong, very powerful and very, very good for the area, not just for Israel, for the entire Middle East.<br>... I do see a long-term ownership position and I see it bringing great stability to that part of the Middle East, and maybe the entire Middle East. And everybody I've spoken to - this was not a decision made lightly. Everybody I've spoken to loves the idea of the United States owning that piece of land, developing and creating thousands of jobs with something that will be magnificent in a really magnificent area that nobody would know. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted from [https://www.middleeasteye.net/news/full-text-trump-and-netanyahus-explosive-news-conference Full text of Trump and Netanyahu's explosive news conference] ‘’Middle East Eye’’ (February 5, 2025) *We’re very disappointed with the judges that would make such a ruling. But we have a long way to go. We have to look, we have to find all of the fraud that’s going on. We have tremendous fraud, tremendous waste, and tremendous abuse, and theft, by the way. And the day you’re not allowed to look for theft and fraud, et cetera, then we don’t have much of a country. So, no judge should frankly be allowed to make that kind of a decision. It’s a disgrace. **[[Donald Trump]] in response to a reporter's question concerning the court order blocking DOGE from investigating the Treasury Department, quoted in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/3799841114310-trump-s-reaction-to-court-order-blocking-doge-is-as-ominous-as-it-gets Trump’s Reaction to Court Order Blocking DOGE Is as Ominous as It Gets] ''NewsBreak'' (February 10, 2025) *You know bullies? You know what a bully is, right? You know the bully, I’ve always ― and I found it throughout my life ― a bully is the weakest person. And they’re bullies. Hamas is bullies. The weakest people are bullies. You know that, right? **[[Donald Trump]] in [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/stunning-freudian-slip-trump-s-hot-take-on-bullies-leads-to-epic-self-own/ar-AA1ySPe3 'Stunning Freudian Slip': Trump's Hot Take On Bullies Leads To Epic 'Self Own'] ''HuffPost'' (February 12, 2025) *I think I have the power to end this war, and I think it's going very well. But today I heard, 'Oh, well, we weren't invited.' Well, you've been there for three years. You should have never started it. You could have made a deal….</br>I could have made a deal for Ukraine that would have given them almost all of the land, everything, almost all of the land, and no people would have been killed, and no city would have been demolished, and not one dome would have been knocked down. But they chose not to do it that way. **[[Donald Trump]] in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-ukraine-should-never-have-started-it-remarks-war-russia-rcna192710 Trump says Ukraine 'should have never started' war in Ukraine] ''NBC News'' (February 18, 2025) * [[w:Congestion pricing in New York City|CONGESTION PRICING]] IS DEAD. Manhattan, and all of New York, is SAVED. LONG LIVE THE KING! ** [[Donald Trump]] [https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/1892295984928993698 message on the Official WhiteHouse X account (19 February 2025)] *Is Maine here, the governor of Maine?<br><I>Governor Janet Mills: I’m here.</i><br>Are you not going to comply with [the executive order signed on transgender athletes]?<br><I>Mills: I’m complying with state and federal laws.</i><br>We are the federal law. Well, you better do it, you better do it, because you’re not going to get any federal funding at all if you don’t.<br><I>Mills: We’re going to follow the law.</i><br>You’d better comply. Otherwise, you’re not getting any federal funding.<br><I>Mills: We’ll see you in court.</i><br>Good, I’ll see you in court. I look forward to that. That should be a real easy one. And enjoy your life after governor because I don’t think you’ll be in elected politics. **[[Donald Trump]] in [https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-politics-and-policy/trump-spars-maines-governor-white-house-transgender-athletes-rcna193244 Trump spars with Maine’s governor at the White House over transgender athletes] ''NBC News'' (February 21, 2025) ==== March 2025 ==== *The Golden Age of America has just begun! Over the past six weeks, our Administration has delivered on promises like no Administration before it, always putting America First! DOGE has been an incredible success, and now that we have my Cabinet in place, I have instructed the Secretaries and Leadership to work with DOGE on Cost Cutting measures and Staffing. As the Secretaries learn about, and understand, the people working for the various Departments, they can be very precise as to who will remain, and who will go. We say the "scalpel" rather than the "hatchet." The combination of them, Elon, DOGE, and other great people will be able to do things at a historic level. **[https://x.com/trump_repost/status/1897723225343508725 [[Donald Trump]] Posts on 𝕏] (March 6, 2025) *The ‘Pardons’ that Sleepy Joe Biden gave to the Unselect Committee of Political Thugs, and many others, are hereby declared VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT, because of the fact that they were done by Autopen. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted from ''Truth Social'' in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-bidens-pardons-jan-6-committee-are-void-used-autopen-rcna196670 Trump claims Biden's pardons for Jan. 6 committee are 'void' because he used an autopen] ''NBC News'' (March 17, 2025) *I don’t know anything about it. I’m not a big fan of The Atlantic. To me, it’s a magazine that’s going out of business. I think it’s not much of a magazine, but I know nothing about it. What were they talking about?… <br>It couldn’t have been very effective because the attack was very effective. I can tell you that. I don’t know anything about it. You’re telling me about it for the first time. **[[Donald Trump]] when asked about the story of a reporter from The Atlantic receiving military strike plans against the Houthi rebels prior to the attack, as reported in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/3/24/a-shocking-breach-trump-officials-leak-military-attacks-to-the-atlantic ‘A shocking breach’: Trump officials leak Yemen attack plans in Signal chat] ''Al Jazeera'' (March 24, 2025) *No District Court Judge, or any Judge, can assume the duties of the President of the United States. Only Crime and Chaos would result. **[[Donald Trump]] Truth Social post, cited in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/trump-administration/judges-stand-firm-trump-ramps-attacks-judiciary-rcna197287 Judges stand firm as Trump ramps up attacks on judiciary] ''NBC News'' (March 21, 2025) *It’s just something that can happen, it can happen. You can even prepare for it, it can happen. Sometimes people are hooked in and you don’t know they’re hooked in. … It’s not a perfect technology, there is no perfect technology.<br>We always want to use the best technology. This was the best technology for the moment. Again, it wasn’t classified so they probably viewed it as being something that wasn’t that important…<br>No, I don’t think (national security adviser Mike Waltz) should apologize. I think he’s doing his best. It’s equipment and technology that’s not perfect and probably he won’t be using it again. **[[Donald Trump]] when asked if anyone could be fired after The Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg was invited to a group chat on ''Signal'' by national security adviser Mike Waltz, in which top officials discussed details of attacks in Yemen, as reported in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5213462-trump-on-war-plans-group-chat-its-just-something-that-can-happen/ Trump on war plans group chat: ‘It’s just something that can happen’] ''The Hill'' (March 25, 2025) *What it was we believe is somebody that was on the line with permission, somebody that was with Mike Walz – worked for Mike Walz at a lower level, had I guess Goldberg's number, called through the app, and somehow this guy ended up on the call.<br>Now it wasn't classified as I understand it, there was no classified information, there was no problem and the attack was a tremendous success. So I can only go by what I've been told, I wasn't involved in it, but I was told by, and the other people weren't involved at all, but I feel very comfortable actually. **[[Donald Trump]] explaining the reason for The Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg being in a group chat discussing Houthi attack details, during an appearance on ''Newsmax'' taken from [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-reveals-how-signal-group-chat-leak-happened-atlantic-2050572 Donald Trump Reveals How Signal Group Chat Leak Happened] ''Newsweek'' (March 26, 2025) *There weren’t details, and there was nothing in there that compromised. And it had no impact on the attack, which was very successful. A thing like that — maybe Goldberg found a way. Maybe there’s a staffer, maybe there’s a very innocent staffer, but we’ll get — I think we’ll get to the bottom of it very quickly, and it’s really not a big deal. **[[Donald Trump]] speaking on ''The Vince Show'' regarding Jeffery Goldberg's follow-up article in ''The Atlantic'' where he published the detailed text messages he received on the ''Signal'' app of the upcoming plans for the attack on the Houthis, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5214890-trump-atlantic-signal-chat-response/ Trump reacts to new Atlantic messages: ‘Really not a big deal’] ''The Hill'' (March 26, 2025) *I don’t fire people because of fake news and because of witch hunts…<br>I think it’s just a witch hunt and the fake news, like you, talk about it all the time, but it’s just a witch hunt, and it shouldn’t be talked [about]. We had a tremendously successful strike. We struck very hard and very lethal. And nobody wants to talk about that. All they want to talk about is nonsense. It’s fake news. …<br>I have no idea what Signal is. I don’t care what Signal is. All I can tell you is it’s just a witch hunt, and it’s the only thing the press wants to talk about, because you have nothing else to talk about. Because it’s been the greatest 100-day presidency in the history of our country. **[[Donald Trump]] speaking on the news coverage of the Houthi attack plans texted over the Signal app and divulged by Jeffery Goldberg of ''The Atlantic'', as reported in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/rcna198731 Trump says he ‘couldn’t care less’ if foreign automakers raise prices due to tariffs] ''NBC News'' (March 29, 2025) *We’ll get Greenland. Yeah, 100%. ….<br>No, I never take military force off the table. But I think there's a good possibility that we could do it without military force. We have an obligation to protect the world. This is world peace, this is international security. And I have that obligation while I'm president. No, I don't take anything off the table. **From an [[Donald Trump]] interview with ''NBC News'' referenced in [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/03/29/trump-greenland-military-force-denmark/82722287007/ Trump says U.S. will 'get Greenland,' military force may not be needed but not ruled out] ''USA Today'' (March 29,2025) * Well, there are plans … there are — not plans — there are methods — there are methods which you could do it. … A lot of people want me to do it. … I'm not joking. I'm not joking. ** [[Donald Trump]] on the possibilities of having a third term as President, quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-third-term-white-house-methods-rcna198752 "Trump won’t rule out seeking a third term in the White House, tells NBC News ‘there are methods’ for doing so" ''NBC News'' (30 March 2025)]; also [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/mar/30/trump-third-term-president "Trump says ‘there are methods' for seeking third term in White House" ''The Guardian'' (31 March 2025)] ===== Joint session address to Congress (4 March 2025) ===== [[File:President Trump speech to joint session of Congress, 2025.jpg|thumb|I stood beneath the dome of this Capitol and proclaimed the dawn of the golden age of America. From that moment on, it has been nothing but swift and unrelenting action to usher in the greatest and most successful era in the history of our country.]] :<small>[https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2025/03/politics/transcript-speech-trump-congress-annotated-dg/ "Trump’s 2025 joint session address, fact checked and annotated", ''CNN'' (5 March 2025)]</small> [[File:President Donald Trump delivers his Joint address to Congress, Tuesday, March 4, 2025, in the House Chamber of the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C..jpg|thumb|We've ended the [[tyranny]] of so-called [[diversity]], [[equity]] and [[w:Inclusion (education|inclusion]] policies all across the entire federal government, and indeed the private sector, and our military. And our country will be [[w:Woke|woke]] no longer.]] [[File:The White House - 54366787332.jpg|thumb|We need [[w:Greenland|Greenland]] for national security and even international security. And we're working with everybody involved to try and get it. <br /> But we need it really for international world security. And I think we're going to get it. One way or the other, we're going to get it.]] * America is back.<br /> Six weeks ago, I stood beneath the dome of this Capitol and proclaimed the dawn of the golden age of America. From that moment on, it has been nothing but swift and unrelenting action to usher in the greatest and most successful era in the history of our country. <br /> We have accomplished more in 43 days than most administrations accomplished in four years, or eight years, and we are just getting started. * The American dream is unstoppable, and our country is on the verge of a comeback the likes of which the world has never witnessed and perhaps will never witness again. There's never been anything like it. <br /> The presidential election of November 5 was a mandate like has not been seen in many decades. We won all seven swing states, giving us an electoral college victory of 312 votes. * Over the past six weeks, I have signed nearly 100 executive orders and taken more than 400 executive actions — a record — to restore common sense, safety, optimism and wealth all across our wonderful land. The people elected me to do the job, and I'm doing it. * In fact, it has been stated by many that the first month of our presidency — it's our presidency — is the most successful in the history of our nation. And what makes it even more impressive is that, do you know No. 2 is? [[George Washington]]. How about that? I don't know about that list. But we'll take it. * Within hours of taking the oath of office, I declared a national emergency on our southern border, and I deployed the US military and border patrol to repel the invasion of our country. And what a job they've done. As a result, illegal border crossings last month were by far the lowest ever recorded. Ever.<br /> They heard my words and they chose not to come — much easier that way. In comparison, under Joe Biden, the worst president in American history, there were hundreds of thousands of illegal crossings a month, and virtually all of them, including murderers, drug dealers, gang members and people from mental institutions and insane asylums, were released into our country. Who would want to do that? * Every day, my administration is fighting to deliver the change America needs, to bring a future that America deserves, and we're doing it. This is a time for big dreams and bold action. Upon taking office, I imposed an immediate freeze on all federal hiring, a freeze on all new federal regulations and a freeze on all foreign aid. <br /> I terminated the ridiculous green new scam. I withdrew from the unfair Paris Climate Accord, which was costing us trillions of dollars that other countries were not paying. I withdrew from the corrupt World Health Organization. And I also withdrew from the anti-American UN Human Rights Council. * We ordered all federal workers to return to the office. They will either show up for work in person or be removed from their job. <br /> And we've ended weaponized government, where, as an example, a sitting president is allowed to viciously prosecute his political opponent, like me. How did that work out? Not too good. Not too good. * I've stopped all [[government]] [[censorship]] and brought back [[free speech]] in America. It's back. <br /> And two days ago, I signed an order making [[English language|English]] the official [[language]] of the [[United States of America]]. <br /> I renamed the [[w:Gulf of Mexico|Gulf of Mexico]] the Gulf of America. And likewise, I renamed, for a great president, [[William McKinley]], [[w:Denali|Mount McKinley]], again. Beautiful [[Alaska]], we love Alaska. <br /> We've ended the [[tyranny]] of so-called [[diversity]], [[equity]] and [[w:Inclusion (education|inclusion]] policies all across the entire federal government, and indeed the private sector, and our military. And our country will be [[w:Woke|woke]] no longer. * To further combat inflation, we will not only be reducing the cost of energy, but will be ending the flagrant waste of taxpayer dollars. <br /> And to that end, I have created the brand-new Department of Government Efficiency, DOGE. Perhaps you've heard of it. Perhaps. <br /> Which is headed by [[Elon Musk]], who is in the gallery tonight. Thank you Elon, you're working very hard. He didn't need this. He didn't need this. Thank you very much. We appreciate it. <br /> Everybody here, even this side, appreciates it, I believe. They just don't want to admit that. * I want to do what has not been done in 24 years: balance the federal budget — we're going to balance it. <br /> With that goal in mind, we have developed in great detail what we are calling the gold card, which goes on sale very, very soon. For $5 million we will allow the most successful, job-creating people from all over the world to buy a path to US citizenship. It's like the green card, but better and more sophisticated. * We're getting wokeness out of our schools and out of our military, and it's already out, and it's out of our society. We don't want it. Wokeness is troubled. Wokeness is bad. It's gone. It's gone. And we feel so much better for it, don't we? Don't we feel better? * To further enhance our national security, my administration will be reclaiming the Panama Canal, and we've already started doing it. <br /> Just today, a large American company announced they are buying both ports around the Panama Canal and lots of other things having to do with the Panama Canal and a couple of other canals. * I also have a message tonight for the incredible people of [[w:Greenland|Greenland]]. We strongly support your right to determine your own future. And if you choose, we welcome you into the United States of America. We need Greenland for national security and even international security. And we're working with everybody involved to try and get it. <br /> But we need it really for international world security. And I think we're going to get it. One way or the other, we're going to get it. We will keep you safe. We will make you rich, and together we will take Greenland to heights like you have never thought possible before. It's a very small population, but a very, very large piece of land and very, very important for military security. * Earlier today, I received an important letter from President Zelensky of Ukraine. The letter reads, "Ukraine is ready to come to the negotiating table as soon as possible to bring lasting peace closer." "Nobody wants peace more than the Ukrainians," he said. "My team and I stand ready to work under President Trump's strong leadership to get a peace that lasts. We do really value how much America has done to help Ukraine maintain its sovereignty and independence. Regarding the agreement on minerals and security, Ukraine is ready to sign it at any time that is convenient for you." <br /> I appreciate that he sent this letter, just got it a little while ago. Simultaneously, we've had serious discussions with Russia and have received strong signals that they are ready for peace. Wouldn't that be beautiful? Wouldn't that be beautiful? * Now it is our time to take up the righteous cause of American liberty. And it is our turn to take America's destiny into our own hands and begin the most thrilling days in the history of our country. <br /> This will be our greatest era. With God's help over the next four years, we are going to lead this nation even higher. <br /> And we are going to forge the freest, most advanced, most dynamic and most dominant civilization ever to exist on the face of this Earth. <br /> We are going to create the highest quality of life, build the safest and wealthiest and healthiest and most vital communities anywhere in the world. <br /> We are going to conquer the vast frontiers of science, and we are going to lead humanity into space and plant the American flag on the planet Mars, and even far beyond. <br /> And through it all, we are going to rediscover the unstoppable power of the American spirit. And we are going to renew unlimited promise of the American dream. Every single day we will stand up and we will fight, fight, fight for the country our citizens believe in, and for the country our people deserve. <br /> My fellow Americans, get ready for an incredible future because the golden age of America has only just begun. <br /> It will be like nothing that has ever been seen before. ==== April 2025 ==== * Since Trump’s inauguration, something in the American psyche has ruptured. The comforting fictions we were raised on—the permanence of democracy, the inevitability of progress, the moral arc bending obediently toward justice—have begun to decay in the open air. And as the facade crumbles, many find themselves in the throes of a bitter realization: that democracy, like any living thing, must be tended, and we—distracted, sedated, entertained into stupor—have neglected the garden.<br>But for some of us, this is not an awakening. It’s confirmation. The slow creep of authoritarian rot has long been visible to those unwilling to mistake noise for substance. We’ve seen it metastasize in school board meetings, in voter suppression bills dressed up as “security,” in pundits who speak in slogans and legislate in spite. This isn’t a glitch in the system—it is the system, finally baring its teeth.<br>American fascism doesn’t arrive with marching boots and armbands. It comes wearing a flag pin and smiling through lies. It speaks the language of liberty while gutting its meaning, builds walls while preaching unity, demands law and order while desecrating both. Its genius lies in its banality—it doesn’t shock, it numbs. It doesn’t seize power all at once; it convinces you to hand it over piece by piece, until all that’s left is the echo of your own consent. ** Oliver Kornetzke, [https://mountainindivisible.org/news/2025/04/23/we-have-failed-to-tend-the-garden/"We have failed to tend the garden"], originally posted (and since removed) on Facebook), reposted by ''Mountain Indivisible'', 23 April 2025 * And yet, even now, something resists. The illusion is fracturing. The machine groans. Some of those once entranced by the spectacle are blinking their way back to awareness. The slogans ring hollow. The outrage feels manufactured. The enemy-of-the-week carousel begins to look more like a grift than a gospel.<br>To those beginning to see it—whether with regret, disbelief, or shame—there is no need to grovel. There is no moral utility in self-flagellation. Simply step in. Join the ranks of those who refuse to be further weaponized against their own future. Redemption, in this case, is not spiritual—it’s civic.<br>But understand this: the middle ground is gone. It’s not that nuance is dead; it’s that the stakes have outgrown equivocation. This is not about partisan preference. It is about whether the society we pass on values truth or convenience, solidarity or submission.<br>Despair, seductive though it is, must be treated like any other form of propaganda: with suspicion. It flatters the ego while paralyzing the will. It tells you that caring is futile, that resistance is symbolic, that apathy is sophistication. But despair is not wisdom—it is surrender dressed in intellect’s clothing. ** Oliver Kornetzke, [https://mountainindivisible.org/news/2025/04/23/we-have-failed-to-tend-the-garden/"We have failed to tend the garden"], originally posted (and since removed) on Facebook), reposted by ''Mountain Indivisible'', 23 April 2025 * So yes—feel the rage. Let it bloom. But refine it. Make it do work. The answer to this moment is not retreat, and it is certainly not moderation disguised as maturity. The answer is engagement—real, sustained, imperfect engagement. The kind that builds something worth defending.<br>Because no one is coming to save us. There is no parent, no party, no perfectly articulated policy that will reverse this decline on its own. There’s only us—flawed, fatigued, infuriated, but still tethered to a vision of something better. Still capable of defiance. Still able to remember who we are.<br>And here is what must be remembered: this unraveling is not ordained. It is not gravity. It is not some immutable law of nature dragging us toward darkness. It is permissioned—enabled by what we tolerate, fueled by what we ignore, and shaped entirely by what we allow. History is not written in stone. It is etched moment by moment by human hands—hands that can just as easily build as they can destroy.<br>We forget sometimes that there is no “they” without us. The enforcers of tyranny have neighbors. Families. Old friends. Someone taught them to ride a bike, to read, to pray. Someone loved them. And someone, still, might reach them. ** Oliver Kornetzke, [https://mountainindivisible.org/news/2025/04/23/we-have-failed-to-tend-the-garden/"We have failed to tend the garden"], originally posted (and since removed) on Facebook), reposted by ''Mountain Indivisible'', 23 April 2025 * This is how we change the course—not with brute force, but with brave conversation. Not by outgunning, but by outlasting. By planting the seeds of doubt where loyalty once lived. By offering an outstretched hand in place of a clenched fist. By refusing to see each other as lost causes.<br>Violence is not the only language of resistance. Our refusal—clear, calm, unyielding, nonviolent —is itself a form of rebellion. Every time we persuade instead of punish, every time we refuse to dehumanize even those who’ve lost their way, we reclaim a piece of the world we want to live in.<br>Because at the end of it all, we are bound to each other—whether we like it or not. There is no exit from the shared human condition. Someone always knows someone. Someone always has a choice. And sometimes, all it takes is one defector in the right place, one refusal at the right moment, one person willing to say “no”—and mean it—for the whole damn machine to grind to a halt.<br>So remember: this isn’t hopeless, unless we make it so. This isn’t fate, unless we accept it as such. This is ours. This is still ours.<br>And when they ask what we did while the fire was rising, we will say: we remembered our humanity.<br>We remembered each other.<br>And we stood—together. ** Oliver Kornetzke, [https://mountainindivisible.org/news/2025/04/23/we-have-failed-to-tend-the-garden/"We have failed to tend the garden"], originally posted (and since removed) on Facebook), reposted by ''Mountain Indivisible'', 23 April 2025 ==== June 2025 ==== * '''Terry Gross''': "Are you playing any official or unofficial role on Harvard's legal strategy or decision-making?"<br>'''Noah Feldman''': "No. The university follows a good policy of creating a wall between its lawyers who represent it and its law faculty who have lots of ideas about how it should be represented. So my primary role is as a constitutional scholar, analyzing the issues, writing about them, speaking about them. And that's the right job for me in this moment." ** [[Noah Feldman]] in an interview with Terry Gross on 3 June 2025, [https://www.npr.org/2025/06/04/nx-s1-5422325/trumps-billion-dollar-war-on-harvard-explained/"Trump's billion-dollar war on Harvard, explained"], NPR, 4 June 2025 * A year ago, Harvard's commencement, our graduation, was really, in a significant way, disrupted by students protesting, including some faculty protesting, marching out of the graduation, speakers denouncing the president and the corporation of Harvard, which is what we call our board of directors. This year, commencement was pretty much the polar opposite. There was literally a standing ovation for our president, Alan Garber, when all he had done was come up to the podium. And speaker after speaker hinted at the importance of supporting the university. So what's happened is that Donald Trump's assault on the university has led to a deep unification of the campus. And that's an important transformation from a year ago. I would say it's a fundamental transformation. ** [[Noah Feldman]], Felix Frankfurter Professor of Law at Harvard University & founding director of the University's Julis-Rabinowitz Program on Jewish and Israeli Law, in an interview with Terry Gross on 3 June 2025, [https://www.npr.org/2025/06/04/nx-s1-5422325/trumps-billion-dollar-war-on-harvard-explained/"Trump's billion-dollar war on Harvard, explained"], NPR, 4 June 2025 * '''Terry Gross''': "The attacks on Harvard started with the task force commissioned by Trump to address antisemitism on campus. And, you know, this has led to cancellation of billions of dollars in grants and contracts to Harvard. But didn't Harvard reach a settlement with Trump over antisemitism?"<br>'''Noah Feldman''': "No. Let me tell the story a little bit differently. I think, really, what we're facing now started with the testimony in Congress of Harvard's president and a couple of other university presidents in which they were pushed very hard on a series of hypothetical questions about how the campus manages free speech in the context of protests. That put a target on Harvard's back, and the Trump administration has been pushing very, very hard since they came into office to exploit the perception - in my view, the incorrect perception - that Harvard is some sort of hotbed of bias, antisemitism and Islamophobia in order to bring about a fundamental attack on higher education with the stated goal - this is their stated goal - of making the university align itself with the administration's beliefs and priorities, which is a clear violation of the First Amendment.<br>What's more, Harvard hasn't reached any settlement of any kind with the Trump administration. There was a lawsuit brought by a small number of students alleging that Harvard had not sufficiently protected the environment against antisemitism. And that was settled by the university before the Trump administration even came into office." ** [[Noah Feldman]] in an interview with Terry Gross on 3 June 2025, [https://www.npr.org/2025/06/04/nx-s1-5422325/trumps-billion-dollar-war-on-harvard-explained/"Trump's billion-dollar war on Harvard, explained"], NPR, 4 June 2025 * '''Terry Gross''': One of Trump's justifications for canceling government contracts is that he accused Harvard as being a breeding ground - I'm quoting here - "breeding ground for virtue signaling and discrimination." How do you interpret that?"<br>'''[[Noah Feldman]]''': "Well, first thing I would say is that it's wrong. You know, it's always hard to understand exactly what is meant when you're being maligned, but, you know, you know the feeling. You know the idea that even a dog knows the difference between being tripped over and being kicked? Well, that's someone kicking us. One piece of relevant background here is that Harvard was one of the parties in the Supreme Court case - the SFFA case - in which the Supreme Court, for the first time in nearly 50 years, overturned the idea that racial diversity was a permissible rationale to use in college admissions. And the Trump administration, in all of its rhetoric, has been referring, subsequently, to the perfectly lawful use of diversity as it existed from 1978 and really before then, until just, you know, a year or so ago as, quote-unquote, "discrimination." I think that's the rhetorical move there.<br>And Harvard is no more a breeding ground for that point of view than all of the other universities in the country, essentially all, which used exactly the same admissions procedures. It's just that it's easier for Trump to make headlines by attacking Harvard over that."<br>'''Terry Gross''': "That's probably part of the reason why many other universities are worried right now."<br>'''[[Noah Feldman]]''': "There are a lot of reasons for universities to be concerned. If Trump can go after the oldest university in the United States, one of the most significant in terms of its endowment and its academic legacy and its prestige, then he can really go after any similar university. And so all universities, I think, have very, very good reason to be concerned because going after a university is one of the things in the playbook of someone who's trying to erode democratic values and who wants to be at least dictatorial, if not a dictator.<br>Universities are a place for the preservation of free expression, free ideas and free beliefs. They've always been that. And so in any country where someone is trying to break that norm of freedom, the universities are a very important target, and that's been true historically." ** [[Noah Feldman]] in an interview with Terry Gross on 3 June 2025, [https://www.npr.org/2025/06/04/nx-s1-5422325/trumps-billion-dollar-war-on-harvard-explained/"Trump's billion-dollar war on Harvard, explained"], NPR, 4 June 2025 * '''Terry Gross''': "So what do you think Trump's attacks on Harvard are really about?"<br>'''[[Noah Feldman]]''': "Donald Trump usually has a kind of short-term self-interest objective and then a broader-term aggrandizement objective. In the short term, his self-interest is to make a headline, to make a populist headline that says, Donald Trump is going after those liberals at Harvard University, which might please some of his supporters and, probably more important to Donald Trump, is intended to shed fear or to cast fear on everyone in higher education and, more broadly, everyone who doesn't agree with his policies. You know, it's part of the idea that every day we should wake up and listen to the radio or look at the newspaper and discover that the Trump administration has gone after some opponent in some way that makes it really hard to stand up to Donald Trump. So I think that's the short-term objective.<br>The longer-term objective, though, is part of Trump's overall assault on our democratic values and institutions. And you can see that the institutions that he likes to go after are places like universities, institutions like the press and the courts, which are institutions that are all devoted to independent judgment and independent thinking. '''We need independent universities. We need an independent press. And, of course, we need independent courts. And Trump doesn't like independence because independent institutions can say no to him. And the more he can weaken the independence of those institutions, the more he can make his agenda the dominant agenda. And ultimately, this is about Trump trying to impose his view of the world on everybody else.'''" ** [[Noah Feldman]] in an interview with Terry Gross on 3 June 2025, [https://www.npr.org/2025/06/04/nx-s1-5422325/trumps-billion-dollar-war-on-harvard-explained/"Trump's billion-dollar war on Harvard, explained"], NPR, 4 June 2025 * WASHINGTON − Progressive firebrand Sen. Bernie Sanders said he believes President Donald Trump is “moving this country rapidly into authoritarianism" after Trump deployed 2,000 National Guard troops to help quell immigration protests in Los Angeles. “This guy wants all of the power. He does not believe in the Constitution. He does not believe in the rule of law. My understanding is that the governor of California, the mayor of the city of Los Angeles did not request the National Guard, but he thinks he has a right to do anything he wants,” Sanders, a Vermont independent, told CNN’s Dana Bash on “State of the Union.” ** Sudiksha Kochi, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/06/08/bernie-sanders-trump-authoritarianism-la-protests/84102772007/"Bernie Sanders: Trump moving US 'into authoritarianism' after troops sent to LA"], ''USA Today'', 8 June 2025 * The protests come as the Trump administration has taken stronger actions to arrest and deport undocumented immigrants. Demonstrators allege the administration's immigration enforcement has violated civil and human rights. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said in a statement on June 7 that Trump signed a memo deploying the guardsmen “to address the lawlessness that has been allowed to fester.” Both California Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom and Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass, however, have criticized the move, saying it would only escalate tensions in the area. “I would say that to a large degree, the future of this country rests with a small number of Republicans in the House and Senate who know better, who do know what the Constitution is about, and it’s high time they stood up for our Constitution and the rule of law,” Sanders said. ** Sudiksha Kochi, [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/06/08/bernie-sanders-trump-authoritarianism-la-protests/84102772007/"Bernie Sanders: Trump moving US 'into authoritarianism' after troops sent to LA"], ''USA Today'', 8 June 2025 * '''This is about authoritarian tendencies. This is about command and control. This is about power. This is about ego. This is a consistent pattern.''' ** [[Gavin Newsom]], Governor of California, in a comment to MSNBC on 8 June 2025, as quoted in by Kyle Cheney & Josh Gerstein, [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/06/09/trump-national-guard-deployment-legal-00394387/"Trump’s troop deployment is a warning sign for what comes next, legal scholars fear"], ''Politico'', 9 June 2025 * President Donald Trump’s deployment of 2,000 National Guard troops to Los Angeles is stretching the legal limits of how the military can be used to enforce domestic laws on American streets, constitutional law experts say. Trump, for now, has given the troops a limited mission: protecting federal immigration agents and buildings amid a wave of street protests against the administration’s mass deportation policies. To justify the deployment, Trump cited a provision of federal law that allows the president to use the National Guard to quell domestic unrest.<br>But Trump’s stated rationale, legal scholars say, appears to be a flimsy and even contrived basis for such a rare and dramatic step. The real purpose, they worry, may be to amass more power over blue states that have resisted Trump’s deportation agenda. And the effect, whether intentional or not, may be to inflame the tension in L.A., potentially leading to a vicious cycle in which Trump calls up even more troops or broadens their mission. “It does appear to be largely pretextual, or at least motivated more by politics than on-the-ground need,” said Chris Mirasolo, a national security law professor at the University of Houston. ** Kyle Cheney & Josh Gerstein, [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/06/09/trump-national-guard-deployment-legal-00394387/"Trump’s troop deployment is a warning sign for what comes next, legal scholars fear"], ''Politico'', 9 June 2025 * At issue is the president’s authority to deploy the military for domestic purposes. A federal law, the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878, generally bars the president from using federal troops — the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force or Space Force — to enforce domestic laws. But there are exceptional circumstances when the president can use troops domestically. The most prominent exception is the Insurrection Act, which authorizes the president to deploy the military to suppress insurrections, “domestic violence” or conspiracies that undermine constitutional rights or federal laws. At the end of Trump’s first term, some of his most ardent supporters urged and expected him to invoke the Insurrection Act to push aside state election authorities and essentially void the 2020 presidential election results, although he never did so. During his 2024 campaign, he said he would invoke the act to subdue unrest if reelected.<br>But so far, Trump has not invoked the Insurrection Act. Instead, in a Saturday order, he cited a different statutory provision: a terse section of the U.S. code that allows the president to use the National Guard — but not any other military forces — to suppress the “danger of a rebellion” or to “execute” federal laws when “regular forces” are unable to do so. Notably, his order did not outright declare the unrest in L.A. to be a “rebellion,” but suggested it was moving in that direction.<br>“To the extent that protests or acts of violence directly inhibit the execution of the laws, they constitute a form of rebellion against the authority of the Government of the United States,” the order said. ** Kyle Cheney & Josh Gerstein, [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/06/09/trump-national-guard-deployment-legal-00394387/"Trump’s troop deployment is a warning sign for what comes next, legal scholars fear"], ''Politico'', 9 June 2025 * California authorities and Trump critics say that local law enforcement was effectively managing the L.A. protests. And despite the National Guard’s purportedly defensive role of protecting federal property and personnel, some experts see the deployment as throwing a lit match into a tinderbox. If the troops are drawn into violent confrontations, Trump might use the clashes as justification for invoking the Insurrection Act, which would pave the way for active-duty military forces to take more aggressive actions to subdue protesters and engage in law enforcement. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Saturday said Marines could be mobilized to L.A. if unrest continues, writing in a post on X that the troops “are on high alert.”<br>“The laws in this area are somewhat unsettled and untested,” said Rosa Brooks, a Georgetown University law professor who served as a counselor to the undersecretary of defense for policy under President Barack Obama. “Federalizing Guard troops in this situation — and raising the specter of also sending in active duty military personnel — is a political stunt, and a dangerous one.”<br>Experts are also eyeing whether the Guard members accompany immigration authorities when they venture away from federal buildings — a move that could signal a willingness to use troops to actively aid immigration enforcement, rather than simply protect agents from protesters. ** Kyle Cheney & Josh Gerstein, [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/06/09/trump-national-guard-deployment-legal-00394387/"Trump’s troop deployment is a warning sign for what comes next, legal scholars fear"], ''Politico'', 9 June 2025 * Trump is not the first president to deploy the military over a governor’s objection. But it’s the first time since 1965, when President Lyndon Johnson ordered troops to protect civil rights protesters in Alabama. President Dwight Eisenhower similarly overrode objections from Arkansas’ governor, deploying troops to help enforce the desegregation of public schools. When presidents view state and local authorities as being ineffective or recalcitrant, those steps may be justified, some experts say. “Usually the President calls out the troops with the cooperation of the governor, which happened in LA itself during the Rodney King riots,” said John Yoo, a legal counselor to President George W. Bush. “But there have been times when governors have been tragically slow, as during Hurricane Katrina, or actually resistant to federal policy, as with desegregation, or, arguably, in this case. “Trump, when speaking about the decision with reporters Sunday, said he warned Newsom a few days earlier of the possibility. “I did call him the other night,” Trump said. “I said you’ve got to take care of this, otherwise I’m sending in the troops.”<br>Newsom has railed against Trump’s unilateral action, saying it will inflame rather than ease tensions on the streets and that state and local law enforcement were appropriately responding to the unrest outside federal buildings. Newsom got backup from Democratic governors across the country, who signed a letter calling Trump’s National Guard deployment an “alarming abuse of power.”<br>“The military appears to be clashing with protesters in the streets of our country. That’s not supposed to happen,” said Elizabeth Goitein, a national security law expert at New York University’s Brennan Center. “It’s such a dangerous situation. It’s dangerous for liberty. It’s dangerous for democracy.” ** Kyle Cheney & Josh Gerstein, [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/06/09/trump-national-guard-deployment-legal-00394387/"Trump’s troop deployment is a warning sign for what comes next, legal scholars fear"], ''Politico'', 9 June 2025 * A purported member of the U.S. Army openly joined the protests against Immigration and Customs Enforcement in Dallas and has called on others in the military to "resist evil." ''Newsweek'' has contacted the Pentagon for comment via email.It comes as protests that erupted in Los Angeles over immigration enforcement raids that prompted President Donald Trump to mobilize National Guard troops and Marines have begun to spread to other cities nationwide, including Dallas, Chicago and New York. Many have been peaceful, but some have resulted in clashes with law enforcement as officers made arrests and used chemical irritants to disperse crowds. The Trump administration has said it would continue its program of raids and deportations despite the protests. ** Shane Croucher, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/military-member-joins-anti-ice-protest-tells-trump-we-are-not-pawns/"Military member joins anti-ICE protest, tells Trump: "We are not pawns""], ''Newsweek'', 11 June 2025 * "We are not pawns for [President] Donald Trump," said the uniformed woman in an unverified video posted to social media by the leftist activist channel BreakThrough News. ''Newsweek'' could not independently verify the veracity of the video and has contacted BreakThrough News for clarification. The woman was not fully identified, but a patch that read "Colado" was on her chest where troops wear their last names. She said she had joined the protests after Trump deployed Marines to Los Angeles. "Why now? It's because the military was called upon against the protesters. We, in our oath to serve, we serve the people of the United States, the Constitution," she said. "These constitutional rights are being stripped and just denied. And the military will not be pawns to that." In the interview, the woman also called on "the conscience of military members who served previously and now."<br>She said: "We have a conscience, a mind and we have a duty and moral obligation to say no and resist evil." Trump has activated more than 4,000 National Guard members and 700 Marines in Los Angeles over the objections of city and state leaders. However, the Marines have not yet been spotted in the city and the Guard troops have had limited engagement with protesters, according to ''The Associated Press''. ** Shane Croucher, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/military-member-joins-anti-ice-protest-tells-trump-we-are-not-pawns/"Military member joins anti-ICE protest, tells Trump: "We are not pawns""], ''Newsweek'', 11 June 2025 * California Governor Gavin Newsom said on CNN on Tuesday evening: '''"California may be first, but it clearly will not end here. Other states are next. Democracy is next. Democracy is under assault before our eyes."''' ** Shane Croucher, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/military-member-joins-anti-ice-protest-tells-trump-we-are-not-pawns/"Military member joins anti-ICE protest, tells Trump: "We are not pawns""], ''Newsweek'', 11 June 2025 * There was black smoke in my rearview mirror on the drive back, and I thought, ''Well, that ain’t good''. It wasn’t until I got home and turned on the local news that I found out it was Waymo driverless cars being burned. Five of them. When I turned on the national news after dark, that was pretty much all I saw: the black smoke and flaming carcasses of five empty cars owned by Google or something. Not the concerned citizens that showed up for their neighbors just to be greeted by flash grenades and rubber bullets. If you got all of your information from cable news, burning cars would be all you’d think happened.<br>Donald Trump called in the [[United States Marine Corps|Marines]] the next morning, and they drove in from Twentynine Palms. Right now the local news is doing a segment on Father’s Day gift ideas. The president thinks the situation is dangerous enough to require the military, but KTLA does not think it is important enough to preempt a piece on backgammon sets and coffee mugs repurposed from MLB game bats. They’re here now, I guess, 700 strong, and nobody seems to know what they’re going to do, or even where they’re going to stay or what they’re going to eat, because now we know that nobody budgeted for the lodging or meals of the 2,000 National Guard members who’ve been sent here, who woke up this morning on the cold stone floor of some federal building. ** David Holmes, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/i-was-at-the-l-a-protests-they-re-nothing-like-what-you-re-seeing-on-tv/"I Was at the L.A. Protests. They’re Nothing Like What You’re Seeing on TV."], ''Esquire'', 11 June 2025 * The ICE activity we are protesting is allegedly being directed by White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller. On Monday, The Wall Street Journal reported that Miller called a meeting of ICE officials last month and directed them to “just go out there and arrest illegal aliens.” Not to target “the worst of the worst,” as the president had indicated. Not even to target criminals or gang members at all. But to roll up to a Home Depot where day laborers gather. To post up outside of a grammar school graduation in a neighborhood with a high percentage of undocumented residents. Just go and grab them and pull them away from their homes and their babies and their lives. Just lock them up. Now that’s what they’re doing. That’s what we’re protesting. And if it turns out their papers actually are in order, which it has more than a few times, then tough shit. ** David Holmes, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/i-was-at-the-l-a-protests-they-re-nothing-like-what-you-re-seeing-on-tv/"I Was at the L.A. Protests. They’re Nothing Like What You’re Seeing on TV."], ''Esquire'', 11 June 2025 * Los Angeles is crazy vast. Santa Monica High School is 12 miles from where I sit writing. If I left right now, I’d be there in an hour. But do you know what’s one half of one mile, one ten-minute walk away, from Santa Monica High School? The beach. A really nice, clean, and well-maintained beach, as a matter of fact. Miller could have been taking a surf lesson, eating some Dippin’ Dots, or watching a majestic sunset over the Pacific Ocean. Instead, he’s sneering to a crowd about his right as a white person to leave his mess behind for a brown person to clean up.<br>This behavior is rancid. This rancid behavior is motivated by a rancid worldview that is the kind of rancid you really don’t grow out of. This is rancid, and now it’s backed up by the United States government, and now the United States government has lined the United States military up against its own citizens. These raids are the acting out of that entitled and bigoted and absolutely rancid worldview. That’s what we’re protesting. And on the whole we’re doing it more peacefully than most groups of people who take to the streets after their city’s team wins or loses the Stanley Cup.<br>We do not need your help. ** David Holmes, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/i-was-at-the-l-a-protests-they-re-nothing-like-what-you-re-seeing-on-tv/"I Was at the L.A. Protests. They’re Nothing Like What You’re Seeing on TV."], ''Esquire'', 11 June 2025 * Anyway, the Marines are here, and we’re all just kind of waiting. Around the corner and a world away. And I’m thinking of Barbara Kruger’s questions that hung above the protest I attended on Sunday. Who follows orders? Who salutes longest? Who dies first? Who laughs last? ** David Holmes, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/i-was-at-the-l-a-protests-they-re-nothing-like-what-you-re-seeing-on-tv/"I Was at the L.A. Protests. They’re Nothing Like What You’re Seeing on TV."], ''Esquire'', 11 June 2025 * With President Donald Trump's deployment of 700 Marines to Los Angeles, Sen. Bernie Sanders took to the internet to offer his own thoughts. In a video posted to his X account, Sanders said the message he wishes to impart is not about the protests or the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids in the California city but something that affects all Americans everywhere. "What's going on is all about Trump's never-ending desire for more and more power," Sanders said. The Vermont senator said that the 45th and 47th president is overriding the California governor's authority in order to consolidate more power with the U.S. military. Sanders also said that Trump is trying to wrest control from the judicial and legislative branch of government as well as stamp out universities' independence and private law offices. "Now is the time for us to come together and stand against authoritarianism and for democracy," Sanders said. ** Rin Velasco, [https://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/story/news/2025/06/11/president-donald-trump-bernie-sanders-los-angeles-protests/84146227007/"'Stand against authoritarianism' Bernie Sanders decries Trump deploying military in LA"], ''Burlington Free Press'', 11 June 2025 * President Donald Trump on Thursday declared he doesn’t “feel like a king” after he was asked to address the protests planned across the country in the coming weekend to counter the expensive Washington, D.C., military parade scheduled for Saturday — his birthday and the U.S. Army’s 250th anniversary. “I don’t feel like a king,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “I have to go through hell to get stuff approved.” Trump cited the example of having to involve GOP leaders House Speaker Mike Johnson (La.) and Senate Majority Leader John Thune (S.D.) before signing a resolution passed by Congress to block California’s ban on the sale of new gas-powered cars from 2035. “No, no. We’re not a king. We’re not a king at all,” Trump added. ** Marita Vlachou, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-reacts-to-no-kings-protests-with-a-hell-ish-whine/"Trump Reacts To 'No Kings' Protests With A 'Hell'-ish Whine"], ''HuffPost'', 13 June 2025 * The organizers of the “No Kings” protests said Saturday will mark “a nationwide day of defiance,” noting that they plan to deliver a strong message against authoritarianism. “We’re not gathering to feed his ego. We’re building a movement that leaves him behind. The flag doesn’t belong to President Trump. It belongs to us,” the event’s website states. “We’re showing up everywhere he isn’t — to say no thrones, no crowns, no kings.” “No Kings” protests are scheduled in 50 states and 1,500 cities across the country, but not in Washington. Organizers said they will host a flagship march and rally in Philadelphia. The protests come as the Trump administration’s immigration crackdown has caused uproar in Los Angeles and other cities, where demonstrators came out to protest the raids carried out by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. In response, Trump authorized the deployment in California of the National Guard, against Gov. Gavin Newsom’s (D) wishes, and also of the U.S. Marines — a move Newsom warned would pour fuel on the fire. ** Marita Vlachou, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-reacts-to-no-kings-protests-with-a-hell-ish-whine/"Trump Reacts To 'No Kings' Protests With A 'Hell'-ish Whine"], ''HuffPost'', 13 June 2025 * Trump’s Saturday parade, which is expected to feature armored vehicles, thousands of soldiers and military aircraft, is estimated to cost taxpayers about $45 million — a price tag Republicans have had a hard time defending. Earlier this week, Trump had a warning for demonstrators planning to take to the streets in Washington this weekend. “If there’s any protest that wants to come out, they will be met with very big force, by the way,” he said. “And for those people that want to protest, they’re gonna be met with very big force.” ** Marita Vlachou, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-reacts-to-no-kings-protests-with-a-hell-ish-whine/"Trump Reacts To 'No Kings' Protests With A 'Hell'-ish Whine"], ''HuffPost'', 13 June 2025 * A part of a US national suicide prevention hotline that caters for LGBTQ young people says it will soon close, after the Trump administration cut its funding. The administration has accused the service of "radical gender ideology". It says it will still fund the wider 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline - of which the LGBTQ youth option is one part - and that all callers will receive "compassion and help". The Trevor Project, an organisation that helped to run the LGBTQ option, said the decision would have a harmful impact on vulnerable young people. "Suicide prevention is about people, not politics," said Jaymes Black, the organisation's CEO. He said his service had been told to close within 30 days.<br>"The administration's decision to remove a bipartisan, evidence-based service that has effectively supported a high-risk group of young people through their darkest moments is incomprehensible," Mr Black added.<br>The decision comes during international Pride Month, which celebrates LGBTQ culture and history. ** Kayla Epstein, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwyqlv7y31go/"Trump ends funding for LGBTQ youth option on national suicide hotline"], ''BBC News'', 19 June 2025 * The news also arrived ahead of a US Supreme Court decision on Tuesday that upheld the state of Tennessee's ban on transition-related healthcare for minors who identify as transgender. The general 988 Lifeline offers free mental health support via call, text, or chat. It is funded by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), a subsidiary of the US Health and Human Services Agency (HHS). Currently, LGBTQ young people can select option 3 from a call menu in order to connect with counsellors. After the changes, the remaining 988 Lifeline services would "focus on serving all help seekers", including those who previously chose to access LGBTQ youth services, SAMHSA said. But the hotline would "no longer silo LGB+ youth services", SAMHSA wrote in a statement, omitting the "T" and "Q" that refers to transgender and queer people in the LGBTQ acronym. ** Kayla Epstein, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwyqlv7y31go/"Trump ends funding for LGBTQ youth option on national suicide hotline"], ''BBC News'', 19 June 2025 * Officials at HHS proposed cutting the 988 Lifeline's LGBTQ youth services last week. In a statement to NBC News at the time, an HHS spokesperson described the option as a "chat service where children are encouraged to embrace radical gender ideology by 'counselors' without consent or knowledge of their parents". Legislation passed in 2020 by the US Congress required the 988 Lifeline to provide services and staff specifically for LGBTQ people as well as other at-risk groups like rural and Native Americans.<br>The legislation noted that LGBTQ youth were "more than 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide than their peers, with 1 in 5 LGBTQ youth and more than 1 in 3 transgender youth reporting attempting suicide".<br>The law received bipartisan support - including from Donald Trump, who was then serving his first presidential term, and signed the bill into law.<br>According to the 988 Lifeline website, LGBTQ communities are "disproportionately at risk for suicide and other mental health struggles due to historic and ongoing structural violence."<br>The Trevor Project began providing its services through the 988 Lifeline in 2022. In 2024, it served more than 231,000 crisis contacts, the organisation said in a statement. It says it will continue to provide its own independent services. ** Kayla Epstein, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwyqlv7y31go/"Trump ends funding for LGBTQ youth option on national suicide hotline"], ''BBC News'', 19 June 2025 * The decision to eliminate the 988 Lifeline's designated LGBTQ youth option comes amid Trump's push to curtail services, support, and access for transgender people across the federal government. He has pushed to end diversity, equity, and inclusion policies (DEI) within the federal government, arguing that such programmes are themselves discriminatory. The president has also ordered the removal of transgender servicemembers from the US military and issued an executive order that the US would only recognise two sexes – male and female. The US Department of State also announced it would no longer allow applicants to choose "X" as their gender on US passports. Instead, transgender individuals must choose "male" or "female" corresponding to their sex assigned at birth. ** Kayla Epstein, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwyqlv7y31go/"Trump ends funding for LGBTQ youth option on national suicide hotline"], ''BBC News'', 19 June 2025 * Last week, during a visit to the “South Loop” ICE facility (the Intensive Supervision Appearance Program office located at 2245 S. Michigan Avenue in Chicago) we were denied the ability to perform congressional oversight – as is our duty as members of the United States House of Representatives. During the visit to this facility, the ICE officer who refused to identify himself called the Chicago Police Department to evict us for “trespassing.” We are writing today to express deep concern regarding the lack of oversight of these facilities and their operations, and to request immediate and full access to ICE facilities for the purpose of investigating this activity further. This specific facility has been the site of very disturbing incidents that have shaken our community. On June 4, 2025, ICE officials detained at least 10 individuals after they were texted to demand they show up for a routine appointment1. It is unclear exactly how many people were taken, where they were taken to, and if they were given access to counsel – all of which we were hoping to learn through performing our oversight duties. We were denied those answers. We are writing to you today to demand access to this facility. ** [[Raja Krishnamoorthi]], U.S. Representative for the Illinois 8th Congressional District & Jonathan Jackson, U.S. Representative for the Illinois 1st Congressional District, [https://krishnamoorthi.house.gov/sites/evo-subsites/krishnamoorthi.house.gov/files/evo-media-document/2025.06.23-dhs-letter-final%29.pdf/Letter to Kristi Noem], 23 June 2025 * Our request comes as the President has declared his intent to carry out the “single largest mass deportation program in history,” specifically naming the city of Chicago as a target, in addition to other Democratic-run cities. The President’s politically motivated actions are deeply troubling, particularly for communities like ours in Illinois that have already seen intensified enforcement activity in recent weeks. The administration must ensure that all individuals, regardless of immigration status, are treated with dignity and afforded due process – as that is the law. Yet the reality on the ground tells a different story. The President has repeatedly targeted Chicago, and we are now witnessing the consequences unfold in disturbing ways.<br>In Chicago, these facilities are the site of reports that allege rushed deportations, inadequate medical care, restricted legal access, and poor conditions. These are not isolated incidents—they point to broader systemic failures in enforcement and facility oversight. ** [[Raja Krishnamoorthi]], U.S. Representative for the Illinois 8th Congressional District & Jonathan Jackson, U.S. Representative for the Illinois 1st Congressional District, [https://krishnamoorthi.house.gov/sites/evo-subsites/krishnamoorthi.house.gov/files/evo-media-document/2025.06.23-dhs-letter-final%29.pdf/Letter to Kristi Noem], 23 June 2025 * Some of the individuals lured to ICE facilities in Chicago were reportedly detained for several days under inhumane conditions. One of those detained, Ms. Gladis Yolanda Chavez Pineda—a longtime Chicago resident and respected community leader—described a harrowing experience. Her husband stated in an interview, “She has not had access to a shower. She has not had access to feminine hygiene products. She has not been able to change her clothes...They have no information of what’s happening. They don’t even have a clock.” After being moved to a jail in Kentucky, Pineda reported that “People are sleeping on concrete floors. Last Sunday, one mattress was given to a group of 20 mothers to share. In one of the facilities, only one bathroom is given to 20 or more individuals, with no partitions and privacy.” These reports reflect systemic issues in ICE’s enforcement strategies and facility management, not just in Illinois but across the country. ** [[Raja Krishnamoorthi]], U.S. Representative for the Illinois 8th Congressional District & Jonathan Jackson, U.S. Representative for the Illinois 1st Congressional District, [https://krishnamoorthi.house.gov/sites/evo-subsites/krishnamoorthi.house.gov/files/evo-media-document/2025.06.23-dhs-letter-final%29.pdf/Letter to Kristi Noem], 23 June 2025 * The Pentagon has officially stripped the late gay civil rights leader Harvey Milk's name from a U.S. naval vessel, amid broader efforts by the Trump administration to erase what it describes as "woke" ideology from the public. The former USNS Harvey Milk is now called the USNS Oscar V. Peterson, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced in a video posted online Friday. "We are taking the politics out of ship naming," Hegseth said. "We're not renaming the ship to anything political. This is not about political activists, unlike the previous administration."<br>The ship is part of the John Lewis-class oilers, named after the famed civil rights activist and longtime congressman.<br>In 2016, then-Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus said ships in this class would be named after leaders in civil rights activism. That included paying homage to Milk, who was a Navy veteran and became the first openly gay person to serve in California politics when he was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. Milk was assassinated by a former board colleague in 1978, leaving behind a legacy of advocacy for gay rights. The ship's new namesake, Oscar V. Peterson, was a U.S. Navy chief petty officer who was killed in World War II and posthumously granted a Medal of Honor by Congress for bravery during the war. ** Alana Wise, [https://www.npr.org/2025/06/27/nx-s1-5449053/harvey-milk-navy-ship-renamed-oscar-peterson/"USNS Harvey Milk renamed amid Trump administration efforts to cut DEI"], NPR, 27 June 2025 * Under Hegseth's guidance, the Navy is reviewing the names of several other ships named after women, Black and Hispanic people. Other Navy vessels under review include those named after Thurgood Marshall, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Harriet Tubman, Dolores Huerta, Cesar Chavez, Lucy Stone and Medgar Evers. ** Alana Wise, [https://www.npr.org/2025/06/27/nx-s1-5449053/harvey-milk-navy-ship-renamed-oscar-peterson/"USNS Harvey Milk renamed amid Trump administration efforts to cut DEI"], NPR, 27 June 2025 ==== July 2025 ==== * The Presidential Memorandum of January 12, 2017 (Promoting Diversity and Inclusion in Our National Parks, National Forests, and Other Public Lands and Waters)[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2017/01/12/presidential-memorandum-promoting-diversity-and-inclusion-our-national], is hereby revoked. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/07/making-america-beautiful-again-by-improving-our-national-parks/Executive Order: Making America Beautiful Again By Improving Our National Parks], 3 July 2025 *I've never been in a town or a political system that is so dominated by one individual. Usually, you're entering an ecosystem rather than the world of one personality. But he [Donald Trump] is a phenomenon. A unique politician. **[[Peter Mandelson]] quoted in [https://www.forbes.com/sites/robertolsen-1/2025/07/13/britains-ambassador-says-trump-will-be-one-of-the-most-consequential-presidents-in-american-history/ "Britain’s Ambassador Says Trump Will Be ‘One Of The Most Consequential Presidents In American History’"], ''Forbes'' (Jul 13, 2025) * The refusal by the Trump administration to release the files and videos amassed during investigations into the activities of the pedophile [[Jeffrey Epstein]], should put to rest the absurd idea, embraced by Trump supporters and gullible liberals, that Trump will dismantle the Deep State. Trump is part of, and has long been part of, the repugnant cabal of politicians – [[Democrat]] and [[Republican]] – [[billionaires]] and celebrities who look at us, and often underage girls and boys, as commodities to exploit for profit or pleasure. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2025/07/13/chris-hedges-trump-epstein-and-the-deep-state/ Trump, Epstein and the Deep State]. Scheerpost. July 13, 2025. ==== August 2025 ==== * Behold. The festering carcass of American rot shoved into an ill-fitting suit: the sleaze of a conman, the cowardice of a draft dodger, the gluttony of a parasite, the racism of a Klansman, the sexism of a back-alley creep, the ignorance of a bar-stool drunk, and the greed of a hedge-fund ghoul—all spray-painted orange and paraded like a prize hog at a county fair.<br>Not a president. Not even a man. Just the diseased distillation of everything this country swears it isn’t but has always been—arrogance dressed up as exceptionalism, stupidity passed off as common sense, cruelty sold as toughness, greed exalted as ambition, and corruption worshiped like gospel.<br>It is America’s shadow made flesh, a rotting pumpkin idol proving that when a nation kneels before money, power, and spite, it doesn’t just lose its soul—it shits out this bloated obscenity and calls it a leader. ** Oliver Kornetzke, [https://www.thepoke.com/2025/09/27/this-vividly-insulting-description-of-donald-trump-is-the-most-brutal-summary-of-the-us-president-youll-ever-read/?callback=in&code=NJDJM2E2MZYTMGJKNS0ZZMUXLWFIMJITZMRLNGFHMTFMYTY0&state=8ee969016a444a30b9ef4685545bba10/"This vividly insulting description of Donald Trump is the most brutal summary of the US president you’ll ever read"], originally posted on Facebook on 18 August 2025, reposted by Michael White, ''The Poke'', 27 September 2025 * This weekend, we learned from the media that Donald Trump has been planning for quite a while now to deploy armed military personnel to the streets of Chicago. This is exactly the type of overreach that our country’s Founders warned against. ** [[JB Pritzker]], Governor of Illinois, in a statement on 25 August 2025, as quoted by Michael Luciano, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-declares-i-have-the-right-to-do-anything-i-want-because-i-m-the-president/"Trump Declares, ‘I Have the Right To Do Anything I Want’ Because ‘I’m the President’"], ''Mediaite'', 26 August 2025 * I have the right to do anything I wanna do. I’m the President of the United States. If I think our country’s in danger — and it is in danger in these cities — I can do it, no problem going in and solving, you know, his difficulties. But it would be nice if they’d call in and say, “Would you do it?” And we do it in conjunction. Now, we work very well with the police because we naturally get along with the police. So, the police and us work really well together, whether the mayor is opposed or whether– I mean, you have a really rotten mayor there, too. He’s got a six percent approval rating in Chicago.<br>And I see Black women wearing a red MAGA hat last night on television. “Please let the president come in. My son was attacked. My this–”. You have a force of Black women, Black Women. They’re like, “Only Trump.” They want Trump to come in. ** Donald Trump, statement on 26 August 2025, defending his repeated decision to federally-activate U.S. Army National Guard forces in California, Washington, D.C., and a planned activation in Illinois, all against the wishes of local/state officials. As quoted by Michael Luciano, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-declares-i-have-the-right-to-do-anything-i-want-because-i-m-the-president/"Trump Declares, ‘I Have the Right To Do Anything I Want’ Because ‘I’m the President’"], ''Mediaite'', 26 August 2025 * Since returning to office in January 2025, President Donald Trump has taken numerous actions that have alarmed international human rights observers: deporting immigrants without due process, holding detainees in inhumane, overcrowded conditions, and deploying both the National Guard and federal military troops to Los Angeles to quell largely peaceful protests. In recent weeks, National Guard troops have deployed to Washington, ostensibly to move unhoused citizens off the streets and to fight crime. Now, with Trump announcing that he will send the National Guard from conservative states to other left-leaning cities like Chicago and New York, fears are rising of an uptick in political violence and human rights violations. ** Charli Carpenter, professor of political science and legal studies at University of Massachusetts-Amherst, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/u-s-troops-are-obligated-to-disobey-unlawful-orders-would-they/"U.S. Troops Are Obligated to Disobey Unlawful Orders. Would They?"], ''World Politics Review'', 26 August 2025 * Even the troops themselves are questioning what they would do if asked to turn on their fellow Americans. According to new survey data from the Human Security Lab at UMass Amherst, which I direct, the vast majority of them recognize the duty to disobey an unlawful order and are able to imagine such scenarios. Whether they would actually disobey an order when push comes to shove, however, is a murkier question.<br>U.S. troops today face an ethical conundrum: they are trained to obey their commander-in-chief, but their oath is to the U.S. Constitution. And when asked if he must "uphold the Constitution," Trump has replied, "I don't know." Moreover, under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, service members have a duty to obey lawful orders, but under the U.S. Courts Martial Manual, they also have a duty to disobey unlawful orders-defined as those that clearly violate the U.S. Constitution, U.S. federal law, or international law like the Geneva Conventions. In these instances, following orders is not a defense: service members can be held individually liable for such crimes and prosecuted under the doctrine of individual responsibility. ** Charli Carpenter, professor of political science and legal studies at University of Massachusetts-Amherst, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/u-s-troops-are-obligated-to-disobey-unlawful-orders-would-they/"U.S. Troops Are Obligated to Disobey Unlawful Orders. Would They?"], ''World Politics Review'', 26 August 2025 * Many of Trump's orders are already being questioned as unconstitutional, and numerous international bodies have indicated that many of his actions violate seven decades of established international human rights standards; some may constitute crimes against humanity. Even the deployment of active-duty troops itself risks violating the Posse Comitatus Act prohibiting the use of federal troops for domestic law enforcement. Thus, U.S. troops are in a bind-and it's already affecting troop morale. Some troops are actively calling for Congress to protect service members who refuse to follow unlawful orders. ** Charli Carpenter, professor of political science and legal studies at University of Massachusetts-Amherst, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/u-s-troops-are-obligated-to-disobey-unlawful-orders-would-they/"U.S. Troops Are Obligated to Disobey Unlawful Orders. Would They?"], ''World Politics Review'', 26 August 2025 * How far is the military likely to go in resisting orders given by Trump? The answer depends a great deal on the individual service member and the context. Troops are taught to disobey orders to commit war crimes in the course of their duties, for example, but as legal historian Tom Dannenbaum points out, they have not typically had the right to question the terms of their deployments, even when those terms themselves-such as Russia's aggressive war against Ukraine-clearly violate international law. Thus, under existing customary law, it would be more likely for troops to conscientiously resist orders to commit atrocities than orders to deploy per se, even in violation of the Posse Comitatus Act.<br>Second, troops are not required to disobey every questionable order, allowing a muddled grey area that makes it unreasonable to think there would be 100 percent compliance with this doctrine. In legal terms, according to military historian Mark Osiel, the barometer for "manifestly unlawful" orders is whether the order is "illegal on its face" -that is, whether an ordinary person would know that what they are doing is wrong. This is reflected in the procedural rules for court martial. But social scientists predict men and women in uniform vary in how they understand the threshold for "manifest unlawfulness" because they can easily talk themselves into excusing actions based on contextual factors. ** Charli Carpenter, professor of political science and legal studies at University of Massachusetts-Amherst, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/u-s-troops-are-obligated-to-disobey-unlawful-orders-would-they/"U.S. Troops Are Obligated to Disobey Unlawful Orders. Would They?"], ''World Politics Review'', 26 August 2025 * In this context, it is notable that so many US troops are willing to state they would openly disobey orders such as detaining people inhumanely, starving civilians or shooting civilians. And research shows if even a minority is willing to stand up, it can matter. Criminologist Eva Whitehead researched conscientious disobedience during the Vietnam War and at the East German border during the Cold War: her work found that when some troops disobeyed, it was easier for others to follow suit.<br>Opposition to following unlawful orders is prevalent among U.S. troops. The question is whether it will make a difference when it counts. Uniformed personnel understand the concept of an order that is manifestly unlawful, and their own responsibility to disobey such an order. This won't entirely prevent harm, as some of those soldiers may still buckle under the weight of military hierarchy in a high-stress situation. But the willingness of so many service members to recognize unlawful orders, and their duty to disobey, highlights the moral agency of individuals and the enduring power of international legal standards, even in difficult and unprecedented times. ** Charli Carpenter, professor of political science and legal studies at University of Massachusetts-Amherst, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/u-s-troops-are-obligated-to-disobey-unlawful-orders-would-they/"U.S. Troops Are Obligated to Disobey Unlawful Orders. Would They?"], ''World Politics Review'', 26 August 2025 * The United States exists in a new-old universe. After nearly 250 years of democracy, it seems infected with totalitarianism, racial superiority, anti-communism and all the petrified theories advanced by another populist politician, Adolph Hitler. Donald Trump did say he would be a dictator on day one. History will be the judge, but things look rather bleak right now for the democracy side of the equation. ** Anonymous, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/channel/source/RNS/"The degeneracy of Christian nationalism and the demolition of culture"], ''Religion News Service'', 29 August 2025 * Take art and culture. During the 12 years of Hitler’s corruption of the concepts of law and order, he also attacked what we now call “creatives” and cultural institutions. The backlash against artistic Modernism had begun earlier in Germany’s Weimar era, but the Führer fully enforced his own ideas of what comprised art. He banned “degenerate art”: Bauhaus, Cubism, Dada, Expressionism, Fauvism, Impressionism and Surrealism. And the regime supported only official painters, sculptors, architects, writers and even actors.<br>Things are trending in the same direction in the 21st-century United States. Trump, having gotten himself elected chair of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, has vowed to end “woke political programming” at Washington’s premier arts venue. As an example of what this means, the Kennedy Center hosted a screening this week of “The Revival Generation,” a documentary about a “nationwide campus revival movement” drawing Gen Z Americans. Billed as a “call to faith and a message of hope” that “(c)aptures a spiritual awakening among today’s youth,” the program included a one-hour worship service with “a local worship collective.” ** Anonymous, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/channel/source/RNS/"The degeneracy of Christian nationalism and the demolition of culture"], ''Religion News Service'', 29 August 2025 * Next Trump ordered a review of exhibits at the Smithsonian Museums that has sent curators scrambling to “fix” exhibits Mr. Trump finds too woke. The list of things needing repair at the National Museum of African American History and Culture, the National Portrait Gallery and the National Museum of the American Latino focuses on mentions of race, slavery, immigration and sexuality. The artwork that offends the curator-in-chief is not Cubism or Dadaism or Impressionism. Unlike Hitler, Trump has not put Picasso, Duchamp and Monet on the banned lists. Rather, it is Rigoberto Gonzalez’s extraordinary “Refugees Crossing the Border Wall into South Texas.” The list goes on. Some of it is, well, edgy. But it is not of the order of “Immersion (Piss Christ),” Andres Serrano’s 1987 photograph of a crucifix submerged in a container of his own urine. Despite an outcry from politicians who tried to defund its sponsors, the piece won an award in a competition partly sponsored by the National Endowment for the Arts. Ronald Reagan was president then. ** Anonymous, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/channel/source/RNS/"The degeneracy of Christian nationalism and the demolition of culture"], ''Religion News Service'', 29 August 2025 * If only Trump would confine his new strictures to art and culture, his populism would be an affront only to the pursuit of beauty. But they cross several lines, assaulting truth as well. As several mainline faith leaders and the U.S. Catholic bishops have pointed out, the derisive oppression of poor immigrants by members of the current administration is sickening. That some administration officials continue to publicly espouse Christian ethics is mind-boggling. Government spokespeople bend the truth and present an alternate reality. Then, there are the humorless bureaucrats who can change numbers to suit the master’s will. '''The administration is efficient and punctual, and its leader can do no wrong. The American republic is aiming for a head-on collision with democracy, and not incidentally is becoming an enigma, if not a laughingstock, to the rest of the free world. It has to stop.''' ** Anonymous, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/channel/source/RNS/"The degeneracy of Christian nationalism and the demolition of culture"], ''Religion News Service'', 29 August 2025 * Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem confirmed Sunday that the Trump administration plans to expand Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations in major cities, including Chicago. Asked about plans to expand ICE operations in Chicago specifically, Noem told CBS News’ “Face the Nation,” “We’ve already had ongoing operations with ICE in Chicago and throughout Illinois and other states, making sure that we’re upholding our laws, but we do intend to add more resources to those operations.” Asked about what an expansion of ICE operations would look like in Chicago and whether it would involve a mobilization of National Guard troops to assist with immigration raids and arrests, Noem demurred, saying, “That always is a prerogative of President [Donald] Trump and his decision. I won’t speak to the specifics of the operations that are planned in other cities.”<br>Her remarks come one day after Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson signed an executive order directing his city’s legal department to explore ways to counter a potential surge in federal law enforcement and National Guard troops to Illinois.<br>During a press conference Saturday, Johnson warned that Chicago officials had “received credible reports that we have days, not weeks, before our cities see some type of militarized activity by the federal government.” ** Alexandra Marquez, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/kristi-noem-confirms-plan-to-expand-ice-operations-in-major-cities/"Kristi Noem confirms plan to expand ICE operations in major cities"], NBC News, 31 August 2025 * Earlier this month, the Trump administration directed federal law enforcement officers, including those employed by ICE, to assist police in Washington, D.C., with crime-fighting operations. That surge of resources included thousands of National Guard troops who were deployed to the nation’s capital with the stated goal of lowering crime rates. Following the movement of troops and law enforcement officers to Washington, Trump threatened to send federal officers and troops to other major American cities, including Baltimore. Later in the Sunday interview, Noem was asked whether Boston would be one of the cities where the federal government would surge immigration enforcement agents.<br>“There’s a lot of cities that are dealing with crime and violence right now, and so we haven’t taken anything off the table,” she said, adding later: “I’d encourage every single big city — San Francisco, Boston, Chicago, whatever they are — if they want to help make their city safer, more prosperous, allow people the opportunity to walk in freedom like the people of Washington, D.C., are now ... they should call us.” ** Alexandra Marquez, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/kristi-noem-confirms-plan-to-expand-ice-operations-in-major-cities/"Kristi Noem confirms plan to expand ICE operations in major cities"], NBC News, 31 August 2025 * Other Democratic officials, including a group of over a dozen governors, have condemned plans to deploy troops to their states. In a statement last week, they said, “Whether it’s Illinois, Maryland and New York or another state tomorrow, the President’s threats and efforts to deploy a state’s National Guard without the request and consent of that state’s governor is an alarming abuse of power, ineffective, and undermines the mission of our service members.” ** Alexandra Marquez, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/kristi-noem-confirms-plan-to-expand-ice-operations-in-major-cities/"Kristi Noem confirms plan to expand ICE operations in major cities"], NBC News, 31 August 2025 * And in an interview that aired Sunday on “Face the Nation,” Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker, a Democrat, said, “We don’t want troops on the streets of American cities. That’s un-American. Frankly, the president of the United States ought to know better.”<br>Pritzker also accused the Trump administration of targeting states run by Democrats rather than those run by Republicans, telling CBS, “Notice he never talks about where the most violent crime is occurring, which is in red states. ... Their violent crime rates are much worse in other places, and we’re very proud of the work that we’ve done.”<br>Asked whether there are plans in place to deploy troops and federal law enforcement officials to states and cities run by Republicans, Noem said, “Absolutely.”<br>“Every single city is evaluated for what we need to do there to make it safer. So we’ve got operations that, again, I won’t talk about details on, but we absolutely are not looking through the viewpoint at anything we’re doing with a political lens,” she added. ** Alexandra Marquez, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/kristi-noem-confirms-plan-to-expand-ice-operations-in-major-cities/"Kristi Noem confirms plan to expand ICE operations in major cities"], NBC News, 31 August 2025 * In their initial doubts, what some Guardsmen were really asking was existential: Are we becoming something different? After all, the National Guard appears to have a new kind of mission, one that began in Los Angeles when Trump federalized the Guard over immigration concerns; moved to D.C. under the auspices of addressing “rampant violence and disorder”; and, according to Trump, could soon expand to Chicago and Baltimore.<br>This ambiguity not only invites confusion and raises fears of troops conducting more police-like functions, but it also thrusts the National Guard into the middle of political disputes. The more often it is deployed in politically divisive missions—instead of the more routine apolitical assignments to disaster zones—the more perilous the Guard’s standing becomes among the American public. ** Ashley Parker, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/why-is-the-national-guard-in-d-c-even-they-don-t-know/"Why Is the National Guard in D.C.? Even They Don’t Know"], ''The Atlantic'', 29 August 2025 * By the time we headed home, after several hours spent wandering the city’s various quadrants, it was clear that almost no one felt particularly good about the arrangement: not the National Guardsmen, many of whom clearly didn’t want to be there, leaving their families and jobs in order to spread mulch and pick up trash; and not the residents, many of whom were furious with the occupation of their city or, worse, terrified of what the military’s presence portended for them and their loved ones. Even those residents who welcomed the troops did so from a place of discontent, so fed up with crime and quality-of-life issues that they felt relieved that someone was finally doing something, anything to help. ** Ashley Parker, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/why-is-the-national-guard-in-d-c-even-they-don-t-know/"Why Is the National Guard in D.C.? Even They Don’t Know"], ''The Atlantic'', 29 August 2025 * According to research by the libertarian Cato Institute published earlier this month, one in five people arrested by ICE have been Latinos with no criminal past or removal orders against them from the government, which they called a "telltale sign of illegal profiling." Karkatsanis warns that through his latest order, Trump has created a "vigilante portal" where anyone can "sign up to be a Brownshirt to brutalize poor people, immigrants, people of color, and anyone else who might dare to, say, go to a protest." He says that it "should be a nonstop emergency news alert," but that "instead, mainstream news and Democrats are barely mentioning it." ** Stephen Prager, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/sign-up-to-be-a-brown-shirt-expert-blasts-wanna-be-dictator-trump-s-new-executive-order/"Sign up to be a brown shirt': Expert blasts 'wanna-be-dictator' Trump's new executive order"], ''Alternet'', 31 August 2025 ==== September 2025 ==== * I'm a firm believer that President Trump will run and win again in 2028, so I've already endorsed President Trump. A man like this comes along once every century, if we're lucky. We've got him now. ** [[Steve Bannon]], endorsing Donald Trump to run for an unconstitutional third term in 2028, as quoted by Adeola Adeosun, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/justice-barrett-weighs-in-on-trump-third-term-talk/ar-AA1M9jYl?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68c015781ccf4696a35a5ef8dd24a801&ei=11/"Justice Barrett weighs in on Trump third-term talk"], ''Newsweek'', 8 September 2025 * The 22nd Amendment, ratified in 1951, explicitly states: "No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice." This amendment was adopted following Franklin D. Roosevelt's unprecedented four terms in office, establishing a formal limit on presidential tenure that had previously been only a tradition dating all the way back to America's first president, George Washington.<br>In March, Trump told NBC News that "a lot of people would like me to do that," regarding a third term, adding, "There are methods which you could do it, as you know." He reiterated these sentiments in subsequent interviews, though he has also occasionally denied interest in pursuing such a path.<br>Some Trump allies, like podcast host Steve Bannon, adviser during Trump's first term, have suggested unconventional workarounds. One theory involves Trump running as vice president on a ticket where the presidential nominee would then step aside after winning, allowing Trump to assume the presidency. Legal experts, however, broadly agree this would violate both the letter and spirit of the Constitution. ** Adeola Adeosun, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/justice-barrett-weighs-in-on-trump-third-term-talk/ar-AA1M9jYl?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68c015781ccf4696a35a5ef8dd24a801&ei=11/"Justice Barrett weighs in on Trump third-term talk"], ''Newsweek'', 8 September 2025 * Donald Trump was recently asked about negotiating with the Democrats to avoid a government shutdown. “Don’t even bother dealing with them,” the president said. “If you gave them every dream, they would not vote for it.” Well, I don’t know about Democrats, Mr. President, but as an Independent I am prepared to vote with you if you simply do what the American people want. At a time when 60% of our people are living paycheck to paycheck I don’t think it’s a “dream” to ask that you:<br>Not slash Medicaid and throw 15 million people off their health insurance, resulting in over 50,000 deaths a year.<br>Not raise health care premiums by 75%, on average, for over 20 million Americans due to cuts to the Affordable Care Act.<br>Not, at a time of unprecedented income and wealth inequality, give the richest people in America a trillion dollars in tax breaks.<br>Not cut nutrition programs for hungry kids.<br>Not make it harder for young people to get a higher education.<br>Mr. President, your party controls the House, the Senate and the White House. Do not shut down the government.<br>If you come to an agreement on these issues, you’ve got my vote. ** [[Bernie Sanders]], U.S. Senator from Vermont, [https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/news-sanders-mr-president-do-not-shut-down-the-government/"Mr. President: Do Not Shut Down the Government"], 13 September 2025 * One of highest honors of my life. ** Donald Trump regarding a state dinner with King [[Charles III]], ''[https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/donald-trump-calls-uk-state-dinner-with-king-charles-one-of-highest-honors-of-my-life-9297573 Trump Calls UK State Dinner "One Of Highest Honors Of My Life"]'', ''ndtv.com'', September 18, 2025 * It was an extraordinary week. The slumbering giant of America is awakening. Americans forced Disney to put [[Jimmy Kimmel]] back on the air. Over 6 million people watched Kimmel’s Tuesday monologue assailing Trump’s attempt to censor him. Another 26 million watched it on social media, including YouTube. (Kimmel’s usual television audience is about 1.42 million.) Trump’s dictatorial narcissism revealed itself nearly as dramatically in the criminal indictment of former FBI director [[James Comey]], coming immediately after Trump fired the U.S. attorney who refused to indict him.<br>As did Trump’s demand that prosecutors go after philanthropist [[George Soros]], Senator [[Adam Schiff]], New York Attorney General Letitia James, and other perceived enemies.<br>As did Trump’s order yesterday, directing the “Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth” to use “full force, if necessary” to “protect War ravaged Portland” Oregon and any “ICE Facilities under siege from attack by Antifa, and other domestic terrorists.” He is escalating his use of the U.S. military against Americans.<br>There was also his bonkers speech to the United Nations telling delegates that their nations are “going to hell.” His attribution of autism to Tylenol, even though doctors say it is safe for pregnant women in moderation. His unilateral imposition of tariffs as high as 100 percent on imports of pharmaceuticals and kitchen cabinets.<br>Friends, his neofascism and his dementia are both in plain sight. ** [[Robert Reich]], [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-awakened-an-angry-sleeping-giant-this-week-and-he-s-about-to-roar-opinion/ar-AA1Ns9Yn?ocid=winp2fptaskbarhover&cvid=68d8c4df4dbf481aa997d9100e2b384a&ei=7/"Opinion: Trump awakened an angry sleeping giant this week — and he's about to roar"], ''Alternet'', 28 September 2025 * His polls continue to drop. Voters are turning against him and his Republican party. On Tuesday, Democrat Adelita Grijalva won Arizona’s 7th Congressional District in a special election — leaving House Republicans with a majority of just five. Grijalva’s victory comes on the heels of another Democratic win: James Walkinshaw’s in Virginia. Two more special elections are coming, in Texas and Tennessee. Speaker Mike Johnson is struggling to hold House Republicans together, facing rebellion on issues such as the release of files relating to disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein.<br>Democrats are refusing to go along with Republicans to fund the government beyond Tuesday unless Republicans agree to extending Affordable Care Act subsidies — now set to expire at the end of the year and cause 24 million people to lose coverage or pay skyrocketing premiums. ** [[Robert Reich]], [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-awakened-an-angry-sleeping-giant-this-week-and-he-s-about-to-roar-opinion/ar-AA1Ns9Yn?ocid=winp2fptaskbarhover&cvid=68d8c4df4dbf481aa997d9100e2b384a&ei=7/"Opinion: Trump awakened an angry sleeping giant this week — and he's about to roar"], ''Alternet'', 28 September 2025 * Friends, I can’t tell you exactly when the tipping point will occur — when elected Republicans will rebel against him, or when his dementia becomes so apparent he’s forced to resign, or when so much of the nation rises up against his dictatorship that he’s impeached and convicted of high crimes — but we’re getting closer. As I said a few days ago, I’ve been in and around politics for 60 years and have developed a sixth sense about the slumbering giant of America. That giant is now stirring. He about to stand. He’s angry. Soon he will roar.<br>'''Your activism is working. Be strong. Be safe. Hug your loved ones. We’ll get through this.''' ** [[Robert Reich]], [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-awakened-an-angry-sleeping-giant-this-week-and-he-s-about-to-roar-opinion/ar-AA1Ns9Yn?ocid=winp2fptaskbarhover&cvid=68d8c4df4dbf481aa997d9100e2b384a&ei=7/"Opinion: Trump awakened an angry sleeping giant this week — and he's about to roar"], ''Alternet'', 28 September 2025 * Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s speech to top generals was supposed to serve as a rallying cry for military exceptionalism — but it didn’t land that way with many of the people it was targeting. Numerous defense officials — who watched senior brass scramble to Washington and then sit through a partisan speech from President Donald Trump and a return to old-school military standards by Hegseth — were left wondering why the event had occurred at all. “More like a press conference than briefing the generals,” said one defense official, who, like others, was granted anonymity due to fears of retribution. “Could have been an email.” ** Jack Detsch & Leo Shane III, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/could-have-been-an-email-officials-balk-at-hegseth-s-generals-meeting/ar-AA1NCljG?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68d985793737465b924fecec9b34bbb8&ei=8/"‘Could have been an email’: Officials balk at Hegseth's generals meeting"], ''Politico'', 30 September 2025 * Defense officials, in the Pentagon and at bases around the world, spent much of Tuesday trying to make sense of the last-minute gathering at the Quantico base in Virginia. Hegseth called out “fat generals,” and, separately, pushed fitness standards that could limit women in combat roles, while Trump offered his justification for sending the military into American cities. The 90-minute event — which featured military officials who swore an oath to the Constitution attending something more akin to a campaign rally — had the feeling of a Hollywood production. Trump even instructed officials to “just have a good time.”<br>The meeting took place hours before a likely government shutdown, and struck some officials as a distraction that threatens to shift the military’s focus away from foreign threats toward an unprecedented domestic role. “Not quite a loyalty test, but … on the spectrum of loyalty to ideology,” said a second defense official. “Total waste of money.” ** Jack Detsch & Leo Shane III, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/could-have-been-an-email-officials-balk-at-hegseth-s-generals-meeting/ar-AA1NCljG?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68d985793737465b924fecec9b34bbb8&ei=8/"‘Could have been an email’: Officials balk at Hegseth's generals meeting"], ''Politico'', 30 September 2025 * The Pentagon has insisted the U.S. military is retooling to prepare for a potential war with China. But sending American troops to patrol their own cities will “distract warfighters from actually training to fight and win” against Beijing, said a fourth defense official.<br>Several Trump allies, including Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala.), said a face-to-face meeting like Hegseth’s helped reinforce the administration's visions. “There needs to be more warfighter training,” he said in an interview. “We don't do enough of it. We don't do enough flying training. I like this approach … I thought it was a strong speech.” Democrats, on the other hand, attacked the event as purely vanity-driven. Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-Hawaii) called the resources used for the meeting “totally unjustified” and an exercise in chest thumping. “This comes at the expense of real national security,” she said in an interview. “But obviously they don’t give a rip.” ** Jack Detsch & Leo Shane III, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/could-have-been-an-email-officials-balk-at-hegseth-s-generals-meeting/ar-AA1NCljG?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68d985793737465b924fecec9b34bbb8&ei=8/"‘Could have been an email’: Officials balk at Hegseth's generals meeting"], ''Politico'', 30 September 2025 * Lt. Col. Amy McGrath called out U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth for trying to overshadow women’s contribution to the U.S. military in his effort to meet “the highest male standard’ among U.S. soldiers. “Each service will ensure that every requirement for every combat [Military Occupational Specialty], for every designated combat arms position, returns to the highest male standard,” Hegseth told leaders at Marine Corps Base Quantico, in Quantico, Virginia on Tuesday. “Only because this job is life or death, standards must be met and not just met at every level. We should seek to exceed the standard to push the envelope to compete.” ** Adam Lynch, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/that-was-bonkers-former-marine-fighter-pilot-blasts-trump-s-rambling-military-speech/ar-AA1NBSpZ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68dd07966b0146f9a069e63bd183e9e1&ei=10/"'That was bonkers': Former Marine fighter pilot blasts Trump’s 'rambling' military speech"], ''Alternet'', 30 September 2025 * “Hegseth still has a lot to learn, unfortunately,” said McGrath, speaking with the “Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer.” “When I flew my combat missions, there was not a set male standard and a female standard for flying an aircraft onto the back of an aircraft carrier. You can either do it or you can't. Combat jobs have had one standard for a long time. And part of when we opened combat jobs to women, those of us that were in those jobs wanted one standard to be set. And it was — so I think it's kind of ridiculous.”<br>“But, honestly, that, in comparison to the rest of what we heard in the last hour, is really minor,” McGrath added. “That speech was bonkers by the president, and everybody sitting in that room knows that we don't have a coherent foreign policy or defense policy. And that, I think, is a bigger issue indeed.” ** Adam Lynch, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/that-was-bonkers-former-marine-fighter-pilot-blasts-trump-s-rambling-military-speech/ar-AA1NBSpZ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68dd07966b0146f9a069e63bd183e9e1&ei=10/"'That was bonkers': Former Marine fighter pilot blasts Trump’s 'rambling' military speech"], ''Alternet'', 30 September 2025 * McGrath was particularly wrathful at President Donald Trump suggesting the city of Chicago serve as a kind of “training ground” for urban warfare.<br>“There was a lot of rambling. There was a ton of lies. There was a lot of politicization … and craziness that you heard from this speech, but the scariest part was when the president talked about using our cities as a training ground for the United States military,” said McGrath. “Now, the military has done training in cities before, but that's not what I think he's talking about here. He's talking about using the military in ways that we should not see in America. And I'm very worried about this.”<br>“I think the whole part of bringing these generals and admirals back here was to discuss this type of thing, and it should it should scare us all,” McGrath said. “This is something that we just don't do in America. We have police to fight crime, and we should be putting money into those police forces, not sending American troops that are trained for war to American cities.” ** Adam Lynch, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/that-was-bonkers-former-marine-fighter-pilot-blasts-trump-s-rambling-military-speech/ar-AA1NBSpZ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68dd07966b0146f9a069e63bd183e9e1&ei=10/"'That was bonkers': Former Marine fighter pilot blasts Trump’s 'rambling' military speech"], ''Alternet'', 30 September 2025 ==== October 2025 ==== * In an interview at Catholic University last week, Supreme Court Justice [[Clarence Thomas]] said what he’s clearly been thinking for the past 30 years: Supreme Court precedents don’t matter, and he’s making things up as he goes along to fulfill his own political agenda. He didn’t say it in that way, of course. People would have noticed that. Instead, he couched his self-serving philosophy in legal jargon that will fly under the radar of most people, including journalists. Here’s what he said: “At some point we need to think about what we’re doing with stare decisis.… [I]t’s not some sort of talismanic deal where you can just say ‘stare decisis’ and not think, turn off the brain, right?”<br>To translate: “Stare decisis” is a foundational legal principle in this country and all countries that follow a “common law” system. What it means, in simple terms, is that prior judicial rulings govern future judicial rulings. If a court rules, for instance, that “gay people have the same basic rights as everyone else in this country, including the right to marry other people,” then that ruling is supposed to govern all future cases concerning the rights of gay people.<br>Thomas, apparently, doesn’t agree. Instead of respecting stare decisis and precedent, he is saying that older cases shouldn’t have the power to control newer ones. For Thomas, just because courts ruled that LGBTQ people should have rights in the past, including the right to marry, doesn’t mean he feels compelled to rule that they should keep them. ** Elie Mystal, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/clarence-thomas-admits-that-he-s-coming-for-our-rights/ar-AA1NKA43?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68debf3c3daa4765898f5ee85f8975a7&ei=10/"Clarence Thomas Admits That He’s Coming for Our Rights"], ''The Nation'', 2 October 2025 * We’ve seen this in Thomas’s opinions in recent years. In 2022, he declared, in a separate but supporting opinion in the ''Dobbs'' case, that ''Roe v. Wade'' was not respectful of our legal traditions, but ''Loving v. Virginia'' is. Why? Well because ''Roe'' gave women rights, while ''Loving'' gave Thomas the right to marry his white wife, and if you have a better legal difference between those cases other than Thomas’s own personal preferences, I’d love to hear you explain it. Thomas has also decided (in this case, writing for the majority) that simple gun registration laws are not respectful of our traditions in this country, but he signed on to an opinion giving the president the powers of the very king we revolted against. You simply cannot chart a course through what passes for logic in Thomas’s head without understanding his preferred policy outcomes.<br>If Thomas were the only justice who thought like this, it would be a containable problem. But the entire Republican cabal on the Supreme Court rules exactly in the way Thomas is talking about, with no respect for precedent or stare decisis. This coming term, the Republicans on the court are likely to overturn a voting rights precedent they set for themselves only a couple of years ago. The Republicans literally cannot be trusted to respect ''their own rulings''. ** Elie Mystal, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/clarence-thomas-admits-that-he-s-coming-for-our-rights/ar-AA1NKA43?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68debf3c3daa4765898f5ee85f8975a7&ei=10/"Clarence Thomas Admits That He’s Coming for Our Rights"], ''The Nation'', 2 October 2025 * '''The entire Trump administration has been a “mask off” moment for the Supreme Court’s conservatives. It turns out, they don’t actually care about precedent (no matter how many times they lied and claimed to care during their Senate confirmation hearings). They don’t actually care about the text. They don’t actually care about judicial restraint. They want the political outcomes they want and they have the votes to do it.'''<br>Thomas’s speech is a declaration that there is no judicial precedent that is safe from the current Republicans on the court. Stare decisis will not stand in their way of getting what they want. You could read the entire speech as a shot across the bow of ''Obergefell v. Hodges'', and it is, but it’s also a rare moment where Thomas told the truth about what he and his friends are actually doing. '''They do not care about traditions, norms, or the very foundation of judicial decision making in a common law system. They only care about winning.''' ** Elie Mystal, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/clarence-thomas-admits-that-he-s-coming-for-our-rights/ar-AA1NKA43?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68debf3c3daa4765898f5ee85f8975a7&ei=10/"Clarence Thomas Admits That He’s Coming for Our Rights"], ''The Nation'', 2 October 2025 * That’s all going to be very bad for those of us who do not happen to be white cis-hetero men in the near term, but there is a silver lining. Thomas’s speech at Catholic University literally lays down the playbook for how to defeat him and all the evil and cruelty he has wrought during his time on the bench. According to Thomas, future Supreme Court justices do not have to wrestle with the precedents laid down by Thomas and his Roberts-court brethren. They do not have to distinguish future cases from the ones that are being decided today. They do not have to wait for Congress to pass new laws, or for the Constitution to be amended. They don’t have to stay on the train Clarence Thomas is driving.<br>And I am here for that. By Thomas’s own admission, the power of the Roberts court dies the moment there are more liberals on the bench than Republicans. That could happen as soon as the next presidential election, if Democrats get their act together to take control of the Supreme Court. If stare decisis is dead, then it’s dead forever. What can’t happen is for future Democratic justices to try to resurrect it, to preserve the power of the people who killed it. Clarence Thomas will soon be the longest-serving justice in American history. It’s good to know that he thinks his opinions will not matter after he’s dead. On that, he and I agree. ** Elie Mystal, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/clarence-thomas-admits-that-he-s-coming-for-our-rights/ar-AA1NKA43?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68debf3c3daa4765898f5ee85f8975a7&ei=10/"Clarence Thomas Admits That He’s Coming for Our Rights"], ''The Nation'', 2 October 2025 * Six months ago, I wrote a piece urging soldiers to leave the United States military. At the time, the possibility that the president might use the military as a tool to unjustly abuse US citizens was still somewhat theoretical. At the risk of being repetitive, events in the world make me feel compelled to write, once again: Leave the military now. The time when you can say that you did not understand what might happen is coming to an end.<br>Yesterday, the Secretary of Defense and the Commander in Chief gave speeches to all of our nation’s generals, who they had ordered to assemble in Washington. It is bad enough, I imagine, for all of these accomplished career officers to be subjected to the performative tirade of Pete Hegseth, a childish television host, installed as their superior, ranting about the need to be more macho, fairly dripping with overcompensation for his various inadequacies. Yet if Hegseth’s speech was unnecessary, bigoted, and cartoonish, the performance of the Commander in Chief was much more substantively dangerous. ** Hamilton Nolan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/leave-the-military-now/ar-AA1NKs8f?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68deb4e64a7c44f1baa45bef2565d099&ei=11/"Leave the Military Now"], ZNetwork, 2 October 2025 * First, because it must have been clear to all of those assembled generals that Donald Trump, who possesses complete and total control of the military and its awesome powers, is, at best, mentally unwell. His speech, characteristically, was an incoherent stream-of-consciousness rant consisting mostly of narcissism and fiction and personal grievances. The mind of the man who has the ability to tell all of these officers what to do is broken and impervious to facts and reason. This is the man who can tell you when and how and who to kill.<br>“They’re brave in our inner cities, which we’re going to be talking about because it’s a big part of war now, it’s a big part of war,” Trump said, speaking about firemen. “But the firemen go up on ladders and you have people shooting at them while they’re up on ladders. I don’t even know if anybody heard that. And actually don’t talk about it much, but I think you have to. Our firemen are incredible. They’re up on one of these ladders that goes way up to the sky rescuing people, and you have animals shooting at them — shooting bullets at firemen that are way up in death territory.” This is your boss. ** Hamilton Nolan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/leave-the-military-now/ar-AA1NKs8f?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68deb4e64a7c44f1baa45bef2565d099&ei=11/"Leave the Military Now"], ZNetwork, 2 October 2025 * Worse, the president made his intentions for the military clear. “You know, the Democrats run most of the cities that are in bad shape. We have many cities in great shape too, by the way. I want you to know that. But it seems that the ones that are run by the radical left Democrats, what they’ve done to San Francisco, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, they’re very unsafe places and we’re going to straighten them out one by one,” he said. “And this is going to be a major part for some of the people in this room. That’s a war too. It’s a war from within.”<br>“We should use some of these dangerous cities as training grounds for our military National Guard, but military,” he said, repeating bizarre, made-up stories about Chicago, Portland, and Seattle as war zones. ** Hamilton Nolan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/leave-the-military-now/ar-AA1NKs8f?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68deb4e64a7c44f1baa45bef2565d099&ei=11/"Leave the Military Now"], ZNetwork, 2 October 2025 * I am not going to try to convince generals in the United States armed forces to embrace my own personal moral beliefs. Rather, I would urge them all to consider their own moral beliefs. Honor and courage are often touted as the highest military values. What do those values demand of these generals at this moment in history? To salute their deranged superiors, and then, in private, to mutter under their breath about how incompetent and awful those commanders are? Is it honorable for these hundreds of generals to go forward doing their very best to carry out the will of a president who vows openly to use the military to suppress his domestic political enemies, and who has in fact already done that in major cities? Is it courageous of these officer to—for the sake of their own careers—continue to robotically serve a man who is obviously making decisions based upon things that are not true, and who is obsessed with revenge above all, and who is quite straightforward about his intentions to use the military to forcefully oppress Americans? Is that what honor and courage demand of the highest ranking officers in our military? Nothing at all?<br>It is common for people in the military to point out that they took an oath to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States,” and to imply that their allegiance to that oath would prevent them from carrying out truly unjust orders. I can’t help but notice that the point at which this moral duty to stop obeying orders kicks in appears to recede forever into the future. We, the citizens, are assured that there exists some ill-defined moment at which the personal moral code of military soldiers and officers will kick in and stop an out-of-control Commander in Chief from using the military for purposes of tyranny.<br>Well? The tyrant is here. Talk is cheap. This theoretical guardrail of our democracy would be much more comforting if it were ever possible to see it produce some tangible action. ** Hamilton Nolan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/leave-the-military-now/ar-AA1NKs8f?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68deb4e64a7c44f1baa45bef2565d099&ei=11/"Leave the Military Now"], ZNetwork, 2 October 2025 * It is not too late to change America’s future. We sit, right now, in a moment of possibility. The president has made his intention to use the military against American citizens abundantly clear, but the worst versions of this oppression are still to come. He has told us what is coming, but all of it has not happened yet. That means that there will never be a better moment for people of honor and courage to leave the military. There will never be a better moment for the generals to demonstrate that their moral values are not just empty words. There will never be a better time to actually weaken the power of an aspiring dictator by refusing to be a part of his army. There will never be a better chance to exempt yourself from the stain of participating in a great, historic injustice against America’s ideals. '''Everyone can see who is in charge. Everyone can see what the plan is. Nobody can say that they didn’t see what was coming. Nobody can say that they went into this blind.''' For the members of the military—and, above all, for the officers at its highest level—the time to be courageous, or not, has arrived.<br>Like any large organization, the military is full of all types of people who got into it for all types of reasons. Despite my own objections to the things that politicians make the military do, I do believe that the military itself is full of people who sincerely value patriotism, sacrifice, and public service. And there can be no doubt that the military is full of people who have demonstrated great personal bravery, perseverance, and willingness to overcome daunting obstacles in order to do a job that they believe is honorable and necessary. '''In 2025, all of these admirable qualities demand a very particular action: to leave the military. Before you find yourself doing things that do not comport with the values that you hold. Before you find that you have become the bad guy. If you can run into a gunfight, you can find the bravery to quit. That’s what patriotism means today.''' ** Hamilton Nolan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/leave-the-military-now/ar-AA1NKs8f?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68deb4e64a7c44f1baa45bef2565d099&ei=11/"Leave the Military Now"], ZNetwork, 2 October 2025 * President Donald Trump has condemned the shutdown and laid the blame squarely at the feet of the “Radical Left Democrats”— in the meantime, he appears to be making the most of it. Trump teased on Truth Social that he would be meeting with Director of the Office of Management and Budget Russ Vought to – as he warned Democrats he would do – reevaluate the necessity of various government agencies. “I have a meeting today with Russ Vought, he of PROJECT 2025 Fame, to determine which of the many Democrat Agencies, most of which are a political SCAM, he recommends to be cut, and whether or not those cuts will be temporary or permanent,” Trump wrote.<br>As a potential shutdown loomed, the administration cautioned Democrats that if they didn’t sign on to Republicans’ short stopgap funding bill and prevent a shutdown, more federal employees would lose their jobs. The OMB sent a letter to federal agencies last week directing them to take a critical look at where they might be able to shed more employees.<br>“With respect to those Federal programs whose funding would lapse and which are otherwise unfunded, such programs are no longer statutorily required to be carried out,” the letter reads. “Agencies are directed to use this opportunity to consider Reduction in Force (RIF) notices for all employees in programs, projects, or activities (PPAs) that satisfy all three of the following conditions: (1) discretionary funding lapses on October 1, 2025; (2) another source of funding, such as H.R. 1 (Public Law 119-21) is not currently available; and (3) the PPA is not consistent with the President’s priorities.” ** Morgan Sweeney, [https://justthenews.com/nation/states/center-square/trimming-fat-trump-boasts-shuttering-government-agencies-amidst/"Trimming the fat: Trump boasts of shuttering government agencies amidst shutdown"], ''Just The News'', 2 October 2025 * The ''New York Times'' reported in August that the federal workforce may have about 300,000 less people by year’s end. Most of the terminations or resignations were reportedly prompted by the Department of Government Efficiency, which was created by an executive order at the start of Trump’s second term.<br>It’s unclear which “Democrat Agencies” are on the chopping block Tuesday – and whether entire agencies will be eradicated or they’ll merely lose more employees. The administration has previously described the Congressional Budget Office and the Bureau of Labor Statistics as unreliable, “Democrat-controlled,” politically motivated and riddled with “longstanding failures,” to name a few. ** Morgan Sweeney, [https://justthenews.com/nation/states/center-square/trimming-fat-trump-boasts-shuttering-government-agencies-amidst/"Trimming the fat: Trump boasts of shuttering government agencies amidst shutdown"], ''Just The News'', 2 October 2025 * The “Project 2025,” which Trump referenced in his social media post, is a strategy for the restructuring of the federal government, crafted by conservatives and published by the Heritage Foundation. The goals of the project, as summarized by the BBC, are to “restore the family as the centrepiece of American life; dismantle the administrative state; defend the nation's sovereignty and borders; and secure God-given individual rights to live freely.”<br>Vought was a project co-author, and the president has framed the shutdown as an opportunity to further carry out this initiative.<br>“I can’t believe the Radical Left Democrats gave me this unprecedented opportunity. They are not stupid people, so maybe this is their way of wanting to, quietly and quickly, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! President DJT," his post concluded. * '''As United States President Donald Trump relentlessly threatens to annex Canada, reiterating the threat again this week in a speech to American military officials, some Canadians are worried that a U.S. invasion could one day become a reality. How would that scenario play out? Looking at the sheer size of the American military, many people might believe that Trump would enjoy an easy victory.'''<br>'''That analysis is wrong.''' If Trump ever decides to use military force to annex Canada, the result would not be determined by a conventional military confrontation between the Canadian and American armies. Rather, a military invasion of Canada would trigger a decades-long violent resistance, which would ultimately destroy the United States.<br>But in this nightmare scenario, could Canadians successfully resist an American invasion? Absolutely. I know this because I have studied insurgencies around the world for more than two decades, and I have spent time with ordinary people who have fought against powerful invading armies. ** Aisha Ahmad, Associate Professor of Political Science, University of Toronto, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/why-annexing-canada-would-destroy-the-united-states-opinion/ar-AA1NQUAk?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e15ddcc73a4c3c9a13e3e91b8a16e7&ei=18/"Why annexing Canada would destroy the United States"], ''Alternet'', 4 October 2025 * Guerrillas use ambushes, raids and surprise attacks to slowly bleed an invading army, and local communities support these fighters by giving them safe havens and material support. These supporting citizens can also engage in forms of “everyday resistance,” using millions of passive-aggressive episodes of sabotage to frustrate and drain the enemy. Trump is delusional if he believes that 40 million Canadians will passively accept conquest without resistance. There is no political party or leader willing to relinquish Canadian sovereignty over “economic coercion,” and so if the U.S. wanted to annex Canada, it would have to invade.<br>That decision would set in motion an unstoppable cycle of violence. Even if we imagine a scenario in which the Canadian government unconditionally surrenders, a fight would ensue on the streets. A teenager might throw a rock at invading soldiers. That kid would get shot, and then there would be more rocks, and more gunfire. An insurgency would be inevitable. ** Aisha Ahmad, Associate Professor of Political Science, University of Toronto, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/why-annexing-canada-would-destroy-the-united-states-opinion/ar-AA1NQUAk?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e15ddcc73a4c3c9a13e3e91b8a16e7&ei=18/"Why annexing Canada would destroy the United States"], ''Alternet'', 4 October 2025 * This idea may shock Canadians today because they see themselves as friendly and affable people. However, Canada’s current self-image of “niceness” only exists because they’re at peace. War changes people very quickly, and Canadians are no more innately peaceful than any other human beings. When your child is dying in your arms, you become capable of violence. Once you lose what you love, resistance becomes as natural as breathing. Except for a few collaborators and kapos, my research suggests many Canadians would likely engage in various forms of everyday resistance against invading forces that could involve stealing, lying, cutting wires and diverting funds.<br>Meanwhile, the insurgents would unleash physical devastation on American targets. Even if one per cent of all resisting Canadians engaged in armed insurrection, that would constitute a 400,000-person insurgency, nearly 10 times the size of the Taliban at the start of the Afghan war. If a fraction of that number engaged in violent attacks, it would set fire to the entire continent. ** Aisha Ahmad, Associate Professor of Political Science, University of Toronto, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/why-annexing-canada-would-destroy-the-united-states-opinion/ar-AA1NQUAk?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e15ddcc73a4c3c9a13e3e91b8a16e7&ei=18/"Why annexing Canada would destroy the United States"], ''Alternet'', 4 October 2025 * This scenario would guarantee the destruction of both Canada and the United States. No one in their right mind would choose this gruesome future over a peaceful and mutually beneficial alliance with a friendly neighbour. Nevertheless, if Trump is reckless enough to think the violent annexation of Canada is an achievable goal, then let it be known that all these horrifying outcomes were predictable well in advance, and that he was forewarned. ** Aisha Ahmad, Associate Professor of Political Science, University of Toronto, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/why-annexing-canada-would-destroy-the-united-states-opinion/ar-AA1NQUAk?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e15ddcc73a4c3c9a13e3e91b8a16e7&ei=18/"Why annexing Canada would destroy the United States"], ''Alternet'', 4 October 2025 * Several people recently asked me who I think is next after Comey and what will happen to him during his prosecution. I don’t know. But the fact that we even have to ask the question embodies just how fast American democracy is collapsing. Comey’s indictment — and likely conviction — will surely be followed by others. Many others. Trump will demand it, and many Americans will want it too.<br>The Justice Department has already launched investigations against former National Security Adviser John Bolton, Democratic Sen. Adam Schiff of California and Democratic New York Attorney General Letitia James. Other names that have been mentioned as potential targets include Fani Willis, the district attorney of Fulton County, Georgia, who brought charges against Trump in a 2023 election interference case, and former FBI Director Christopher Wray. These names show that the unthinkable has become routine. Malignant normality is now the new normal. ** Chauncey DeVega, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/a-new-red-scare-this-could-be-much-worse/ar-AA1NT7bS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e2b63903484da6a92bd0303bf45f34&ei=13/"A new Red Scare? This could be much worse"], ''Salon'', 5 October 2025 * Since Trump was first elected in 2016, America’s responsible political and media class have constructed a model of American politics and society that increasingly does not exist. The long-cherished ideals of institutions, American exceptionalism and the character of the American people have been thrown out the window. In many ways, those fantasies never matched reality in the first place — and now the gap is undeniable. For many, this truth is too frightening to face.<br>As America’s democracy rapidly collapses, there are public voices in the news media and political class who are warning about the evils of a new Red Scare. In reality, what the Trump administration and its forces are unleashing will likely be much worse. ** Chauncey DeVega, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/a-new-red-scare-this-could-be-much-worse/ar-AA1NT7bS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e2b63903484da6a92bd0303bf45f34&ei=13/"A new Red Scare? This could be much worse"], ''Salon'', 5 October 2025 * In an interview, Adam Hochschild, the prominent historian and award-winning author of books including “American Midnight: The Great War, A Violent Peace, and Democracy’s Forgotten Crisis,” was clear-eyed about what America is facing: “This is profoundly frightening because it’s right out of the playbook of the way democracies are converted to dictatorships.” He compared our present moment to what was happening a century ago in the aftermath of World War I and the Russian Revolution. The country, he said in an email interview, was “inflamed by military fervor…and then by paranoia,” which caused “severe damage to democracy.”<br>“The government shut down some 75 newspapers and magazines, and imprisoned hundreds of people — most notably Socialist leader Eugene V. Debs — solely for things they wrote or said,” Hochschild said. “Donald Trump would greatly like to do the same, as his attacks on critical media and prosecutions of people like James Comey show. But he is going one step further than this country went during the madness of the Red Scare of 1917-1921 by trying to seize control of electoral machinery. That, to me, is the most frightening thing about an already dangerous presidency.”<br>Commentators get hung up, he explained, on comparing Trump to Republican Sen. Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin, who saw “subversives everywhere.” While noting similarities, Hochschild argued the better parallel is Democratic President Woodrow Wilson who, in his second term, “did all kinds of things Trump would like to do, such as throwing his critics in jail under the Espionage Act by the hundreds, and shutting down media that criticized him.”<br>But that wasn’t all. Under the 28th president, the Justice Department created the American Protective League, which Hochschild described as “a national vigilante force [that] scoured cities for suspected draft-dodgers.”<br>“We pay far too little attention to that ominous period of American life,” he said, “always preferring to look on the bright side rather than the dark side.” ** Chauncey DeVega, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/a-new-red-scare-this-could-be-much-worse/ar-AA1NT7bS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e2b63903484da6a92bd0303bf45f34&ei=13/"A new Red Scare? This could be much worse"], ''Salon'', 5 October 2025 * Trumpism is the embodiment of Shakespeare’s observation that what’s past is prologue. It’s now our present and future. But this is not a call to despair, or to embrace the comfort of learned helplessness or to take poison of hopium. It is the opposite. Unearned hope leads to despair. The way forward is to first accept the dire reality and then to engage in peaceful collective action that seizes the moral high ground, and never surrenders or compromises.The Black Freedom Struggle and long civil rights movements offer one such example. To paraphrase Hemingway: “A man alone ain’t got no bloody damn chance.” ** Chauncey DeVega, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/a-new-red-scare-this-could-be-much-worse/ar-AA1NT7bS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e2b63903484da6a92bd0303bf45f34&ei=13/"A new Red Scare? This could be much worse"], ''Salon'', 5 October 2025 * To capture a democratic nation, authoritarians must control three sources of power: the intelligence agencies, the justice system, and the military. President Donald Trump and his circle of would-be autocrats have made rapid progress toward seizing these institutions and detaching them from the Constitution and rule of law. The intelligence community has effectively been muzzled, and the nation’s top lawyers and cops are being purged and replaced with loyalist hacks.<br>Only the military remains outside Trump’s grip. Despite the firing of several top officers—and Trump’s threat to fire more—the U.S. armed forces are still led by generals and admirals whose oath is to the Constitution, not the commander in chief. But for how long?<br>Trump and his valet at the Defense Department, Secretary of Physical Training Pete Hegseth, are now making a dedicated run at turning the men and women of the armed forces into Trump’s personal and partisan army. In his first term, Trump regularly violated the sacred American tradition of the military’s political neutrality, but people around him—including retired and active-duty generals such as James Mattis, John Kelly, and Mark Milley—restrained some of his worst impulses. Now no one is left to stop him: The president learned from his first-term struggles and this time has surrounded himself with a Cabinet of sycophants and ideologues rather than advisers, especially those at the Pentagon. He has declared war on Chicago; called Portland, Oregon, a “war zone”; and referred to his political opponents as “the enemy from within.” Trump clearly wants to use military power to exert more control over the American people, and soon, top U.S.-military commanders may have to decide whether they will refuse such orders from the commander in chief. The greatest crisis of American civil-military relations in modern history is now under way. ** Tom Nichols, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/the-civil-military-crisis-is-here/ar-AA1O32Cq?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e63a4e95384da9b65b7c8e076ea0ca&ei=9/"The Civil-Military Crisis Is Here"], ''The Atlantic'', 7 October 2025 * I write these words with great trepidation. When I was a professor at the Naval War College, I gave lectures to American military officers about the sturdiness of civil-military relations in the United States, a remarkable historical achievement that has allowed the most powerful military in the world to serve democracy without being a threat to it. I so revered this system that I went to Moscow just before the fall of the U.S.S.R. and told an audience of Soviet military officers that they should look to the American military as a model for how to disentangle themselves from the Communist Party and Kremlin politics. I regularly reminded both my military students and civilian audiences that they had good reason to have faith in American institutions and the constitutional loyalty of U.S. civilian and military leaders.<br>This new and dangerous moment has arrived for many reasons, including Trump’s antics in front of young soldiers and sailors, through which he has succeeded in pulling many of them into displays of partisan behavior that are both an insult to American civil-military traditions and a violation of military regulations. Senior military leaders should have stepped in to prevent Trump from turning addresses at Fort Bragg and Naval Station Norfolk into political rallies; the silence of the Army and Navy secretaries, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and some top generals and admirals is appalling. To their credit, those same officers listened impassively as Trump and Hegseth subjected them to political rants during a meeting at Quantico last week. But young enlisted people and their immediate superiors take their cues from the top, and one day of decorum from the high command cannot reverse Trump’s influence on the rank and file. ** Tom Nichols, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/the-civil-military-crisis-is-here/ar-AA1O32Cq?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e63a4e95384da9b65b7c8e076ea0ca&ei=9/"The Civil-Military Crisis Is Here"], ''The Atlantic'', 7 October 2025 * Trump’s rhetoric in his speeches to the military has been awful—he has ridiculed former commanders in chief, castigated sitting elected officials, and told the members of America’s armed forces that other Americans are their enemies. But his actions are worse. In deploying troops to American cities, he has set up a confrontation in which military commanders may soon have to choose between obeying the president and obeying the law. “This is a nation of Constitutional law, not martial law,” Judge Karin Immergut—a conservative Trump appointee—wrote last week when she blocked Trump’s attempt to send troops to Portland. The White House aide [[Stephen Miller]] likely foreshadowed Trump’s next moves, including possibly ignoring such rulings, when he lashed out at Immergut’s decision. Miller, a man who hates being called a fascist, made the fascistic accusation that a “large and growing movement of leftwing terrorism in this country” is being “shielded by far-left Democrat judges, prosecutors and attorneys general.” ** Tom Nichols, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/the-civil-military-crisis-is-here/ar-AA1O32Cq?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e63a4e95384da9b65b7c8e076ea0ca&ei=9/"The Civil-Military Crisis Is Here"], ''The Atlantic'', 7 October 2025 * Trump, of course, doesn’t care all that much about Venezuelan speedboats or costumed pranksters in Portland. He cares about power, which is why he is determined to flex military muscle on the streets of American cities. As opposition grows and his popularity falls, Trump may be tempted to issue orders to the military that will be aimed at suppressing dissent, or disrupting elections, or detaining political figures; he has already floated the idea of invoking the Insurrection Act, which could enable such actions. He may even become desperate enough to launch a foreign war—as he seems to be trying to do right now with Venezuela. If more of these orders come, how should the leaders of America’s armed forces respond? ** Tom Nichols, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/the-civil-military-crisis-is-here/ar-AA1O32Cq?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e63a4e95384da9b65b7c8e076ea0ca&ei=9/"The Civil-Military Crisis Is Here"], ''The Atlantic'', 7 October 2025 * Congress, so far, has been useless in restraining Trump: The Democrats are too timid, and the Republicans are too compromised. Only by standing together can the senior military officials warn Trump away from leading America into a full-blown civil-military confrontation.<br>Military officers are human beings, not Vulcans or robots. Even the most virtuous young officer may tremble at the idea of refusing a direct order—especially one from the president of the United States. Others may be tempted to abandon their oath, either by ideology or a misplaced sense of obedience, and they should recall Hyten’s warning from 2017: “If you execute an unlawful order, you will go to jail. You could go to jail for the rest of your life.” Most American military personnel, however, need no reminder of their constitutional duty. But they do need some reassurance that they have support from their chain of command to resist illegal orders. And the rest of us, whether we’re elected officials or ordinary citizens, should do everything we can to let our fellow Americans in uniform know that if they risk their careers and even their freedom to protect the Constitution, we will stand with them. ** Tom Nichols, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/the-civil-military-crisis-is-here/ar-AA1O32Cq?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68e63a4e95384da9b65b7c8e076ea0ca&ei=9/"The Civil-Military Crisis Is Here"], ''The Atlantic'', 7 October 2025 * A governmentwide reduction in force during the federal shutdown will touch an already lean U.S. Department of Education, the Trump administration said Friday, with the department’s office of elementary and secondary education potentially facing some of the most significant cuts. An Education Department spokesperson Friday confirmed the agency will be subject to the RIF but did not immediately answer how many positions would be part of the downsizing and in which department divisions. A spokesperson from the Office of Management and Budget—whose director, Russell Vought, announced the layoffs in a Friday post on X—called the government-wide reduction “substantial.”<br>The Education Department’s office of communication and outreach will see cuts to its state and local engagement team under the layoff, according to the union that represents department staff. Meanwhile, the office of elementary and secondary education, which oversees key programs such as Title I and enforcement of the Every Student Succeeds Act, will see cuts to all of its teams, the union said.<br>Others could still be affected, the union, a chapter of the American Federation of Government Employees, said.<br>“Once again, the Trump administration is acting as though they have impunity to cut staff from an already lean, efficient agency,” union president Rachel Gittleman said in a prepared statement. “Dismantling the government through mass firings, especially at the ED, is not the solution to our problems as a country.”<br>The layoffs were announced on the 10th day of the federal government shutdown, during which the Education Department had already furloughed roughly 87% of its staff after congressional lawmakers couldn’t come to an agreement to extend funding beyond the end of the fiscal year on Sept. 30. ** Brooke Schultz, [https://www.edweek.org/policy-politics/a-new-wave-of-federal-layoffs-will-hit-the-education-department/2025/10/"A New Wave of Federal Layoffs Will Hit the Education Department"], ''Education Week'', 10 October 2025 * A furlough is different from a layoff in that it’s temporary. Generally, federal employees have to be given 60 days’ notice before a layoff can take effect. The cuts will slash an Education Department that has grown substantially leaner since the start of the second Trump administration. The agency has shed nearly half its staff since the winter. Its footprint shrank from more than 4,000 staff to about 2,400 after the department announced layoffs in March.<br>The earlier layoffs touched just about every office within the department—though they cut more deeply in some places than others, such as the office for civil rights, which lost just under half its 562 positions and seven of its 12 regional offices. The office of elementary and secondary education, which employed 282 staff members in 2023, lost at least 49 positions in the March cuts.<br>(Meanwhile, the office’s new leader, Kirsten Baesler, was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate on Tuesday but can’t be sworn in until the shutdown ends.) ** Brooke Schultz, [https://www.edweek.org/policy-politics/a-new-wave-of-federal-layoffs-will-hit-the-education-department/2025/10/"A New Wave of Federal Layoffs Will Hit the Education Department"], ''Education Week'', 10 October 2025 * The earlier layoffs are being challenged in court by states and education leaders who say the department can’t carry out its congressionally mandated functions with fewer staff. Court orders delayed the layoffs, but higher courts have since allowed them to take effect.<br>The Education Department is among at least nine federal agencies subject to the shutdown RIF, according to Politico. The American Federation of Government Employees sued OMB last month for telling agencies to prepare RIF plans ahead of the shutdown. Normally, agencies prepare only to furlough staff during a shutdown and bring them back when the government reopens.<br>“It is disgraceful that the Trump administration has used the government shutdown as an excuse to illegally fire thousands of workers who provide critical services to communities across the country,” the union’s president, Everett Kelley, said in a prepared statement on Friday. “It’s time for Congress to do their jobs and negotiate an end to this shutdown immediately.” ** Brooke Schultz, [https://www.edweek.org/policy-politics/a-new-wave-of-federal-layoffs-will-hit-the-education-department/2025/10/"A New Wave of Federal Layoffs Will Hit the Education Department"], ''Education Week'', 10 October 2025 * Trump created his MAGA coalition based on fear of “the other,” which has historically been a potent political move (think Richard Nixon’s perfection of the Southern strategy and Ronald Reagan’s aggressive race-baiting with his fictional Chicago welfare queen, among many other dog whistles).<br>After America elected and then re-elected Barack Obama, not only a Black man but a constitutional scholar and an intellectual, to the presidency, the Republicans in Congress completely lost their minds and pledged to make him fail as president. They began to do all they could to shut down government and to excoriate Democrats, using the list of pejorative terms former House Speaker Newt Gingrich cribbed from conservative shock-jock Rush Limbaugh. The hard turn in Congress away from collegiality and compromise had begun. ** Kirk Swearingen, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/who-are-the-real-americans-we-are/ar-AA1Oh5s7?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68ea6d343f7c426b9fac059d9fde67be&ei=15/"Who are the real Americans? We are"], ''Salon'', 11 October 2025 * We could argue the many, many inhumane points of Trumpist decrees if we were actually interested in discussing policy or, say, the mainline Christianity I once knew as a Presbyterian. But the Republican Party stopped working on policy — and started perverting Christianity — many election cycles back. Why? Largely because the GOP ran out of ideas that would fly with the American public (“Trickle-down” economics? C’mon, man!), and was assiduously courting the evangelical and Catholic religious right as a voting bloc. Meanwhile, “welcome-the-stranger” and “eye-of-the-needle” messages of Jesus had become entirely inconvenient for elite Republicans. With Trump, the Southern strategy morphed into something quite like a “Bring back the Jim Crow laws that inspired the Nazis” strategy.<br>To divert attention from their desire to give further assistance to the wealthy and corporations through tax breaks, they focused their energies on “othering” different groups: People of color, immigrants, Democrats, women and LGBTQ folks.<br>Of course, if you are part of the MAGA cult of personality, you don’t want to hear any of this. But we — progressives, liberals, Democrats, moderate Republicans (those horrible “RINOs”), people of faith and of no faith — are, frankly (to use a word Republicans love to utilize), the reasonable ones. There’s no question about it. To mimic Trump, everybody knows it. You do, too. ** Kirk Swearingen, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/who-are-the-real-americans-we-are/ar-AA1Oh5s7?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68ea6d343f7c426b9fac059d9fde67be&ei=15/"Who are the real Americans? We are"], ''Salon'', 11 October 2025 * Government works pretty well all over the world, so long as well-meaning people with strong, relevant experience are put in leadership positions. Look at this deplorable Trump “administration,” filled to the brim with suck-ups, grifters, unhinged ideologues and conspiracy-theory kooks — each one, including the one playacting at the Resolute desk, astonishingly unqualified. The word for that kind of group being in charge is kakistocracy, which is an unhappy-sounding term that describes a devastatingly unhappy situation: government by the worst people. It sounds like something you might utter right before vomiting.<br>A white supremacist theocracy, installing this Trumpian reign of the corrupt, mean-spirited, and woefully incompetent? We are just as disappointed and angry as you are about predatory capitalism, which leaves many Americans homeless and many more without access to health care. And we are just as angry about the failures of our democracy, which, as Robert Reich recently pointed out, are almost entirely due to lobbying money in politics. Much of our political class takes legal bribes and serves the interests of those with the most money. ** Kirk Swearingen, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/who-are-the-real-americans-we-are/ar-AA1Oh5s7?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68ea6d343f7c426b9fac059d9fde67be&ei=15/"Who are the real Americans? We are"], ''Salon'', 11 October 2025 * But we aren’t living in the wrong country. Our America is multicultural and all of us benefit, socially and economically — yes, even you — from that fact. Our America supports freedom of religious belief, including the freedom to hold none at all, because we do not have a national religion. Our America strives to make it easier for all citizens to exercise their right to vote. Our America believes in facts and the process of scientific discovery. Our America does not whitewash its history but learns from it.<br>Our America recoils from people who push their religious beliefs on others, or who denigrate women and other citizens who happen to be unlike them. Our America welcomes the strangers who come to this country with a desire to better their lives through hard work and community service. Our America supports public education and wants to make it stronger, not undermine it. Our America believes that a country should be judged by how it treats its least fortunate citizens. Our America is not ruled by a petty, vindictive despot wannabe with an outrageous history of criminal and socially abhorrent behavior who imagines he is king.<br>No, despite what the astonishingly corrupt, would-be Roman emperor occupying the White House tells you, we are not the enemy: we are Americans. We have tried to be true to the best, most idealistic of American values. In the meantime — and these truly are mean times, both in material and spiritual terms — we will serve the public good by standing up for the Constitution, the rule of law and the nonpartisan civil service, and we will argue for our own ideas on how we might make a better union. ** Kirk Swearingen, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/who-are-the-real-americans-we-are/ar-AA1Oh5s7?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=68ea6d343f7c426b9fac059d9fde67be&ei=15/"Who are the real Americans? We are"], ''Salon'', 11 October 2025 ==== November 2025 ==== * The only hope to save ourselves from Trump’s authoritarianism is mass movements. We must build alternative centers of power — including political parties, media, [[Labor history of the United States|labor unions]] and universities — to give a voice and agency to those who have been disempowered by our two ruling parties, especially the [[Working class in the United States|working class]] and working [[Poverty in the United States|poor]]. We must carry out strikes to cripple and thwart the abuses carried out by the emerging [[police state]]. We must champion a radical [[socialism]], which includes slashing the $1 trillion spent on the war industry and ending our suicidal addiction to fossil fuels, and lift up the lives of Americans cast aside in the wreckage of industrialization, declining wages, a decaying infrastructure and crippling [[austerity]] programs. **[[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2025/11/04/chris-hedges-trumps-greatest-ally-is-the-democratic-party/ Trump’s Greatest Ally is The Democratic Party]. ScheerPost, November 4, 2025. * '''El Presidente Trump is cast in the mold of all tinpot Latin American despots who terrorize their populations, surround themselves with sycophants, goons and crooks, and enrich themselves — Trump and his family have amassed more than $1.8 billion in cash and gifts from leveraging the presidency — while erecting tawdry monuments to themselves.''' ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2025/11/11/chris-hedges-america-is-a-banana-republic/ America Is a Banana Republic]. ScheerPost, November 11, 2025. ==== December 2025 ==== [[File:Seal of the United States Environmental Protection Agency.svg|thumb|The Environmental Protection Agency has removed any mention of fossil fuels — the main driver of global warming — from its popular online page explaining the causes of climate change. Now it only mentions natural phenomena, even though scientists calculate that nearly all of the warming is due to human activity.<br>Sometime in the past few days or weeks, EPA altered some but not all of its climate change webpages, de-emphasizing and even deleting references to the burning of coal, oil and natural gas, which scientists say is the overwhelming cause of climate change. ~ Seth Borenstein]] [[File:Transgender flag with prohibition sign.jpg|thumb|Trump administration health officials announced Thursday that the federal government will block transgender care to children by targeting hospitals and doctors that provide it. New proposed rules would prohibit hospitals from participating in Medicare and Medicaid if they provide care such as puberty blockers and surgeries for transgender minors, and would prevent federal coverage of such treatments. ~ Jamie Gumbrecht & Sarah Owermohle]] * The combination of Trump’s xenophobic rhetoric and policy has created a poisonous national environment, one not easily fixed. The problem is that, as hateful and awful as his actions are, he campaigned on carrying them out. He ran in large part on bigotry and won. During Trump’s debate with Democratic candidate Kamala Harris, he said of Haitian immigrants in Ohio, “They’re eating the dogs, the people that came in, they’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there.” We knew about the lie-fueled fear he was trying to spread. In addition, Trump directly stated that he planned to carry out the largest deportation program in U.S. history. We knew what his intentions were, but we still weren’t paying enough attention. Perhaps no one fully expected the lengths Trump would go to, but either way America is facing the consequences. After the 2024 election, I wrote in an edition of this column that “America has chosen hate.” At our present moment, I deeply wish I had been wrong.<br>As our government spreads hate through racism and xenophobia, we must pay more attention. As you go through your day, thinking of so many other different things, pay attention to the dehumanization of immigrants. Pay attention to the families being ripped apart by sudden arrests and deportations. Pay attention to every new policy that makes it harder for hardworking people to migrate and make a living in the America we once proudly celebrated as diverse. Pay attention, because history has many examples for those who fall into the trap of repeating its bitter bigotry. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2025/12/04/patricks-politics-pay-attention-to-trumps-anti-immigrant-hatred/"Pay attention to Trump’s anti-immigrant hatred"], ''The Daily Campus'', 4 December 2025 * The days of the United States propping up the entire world order like [[w:Atlas (mythology)|Atlas]] are over. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/12/05/europe/trump-national-security-plan-europe-latam-intl Trump lays bare his contempt for Europe in blistering new national security plan], CNN (Dec 5, 2025) * '''The Environmental Protection Agency has removed any mention of fossil fuels — the main driver of global warming — from its popular online page explaining the causes of climate change. Now it only mentions natural phenomena, even though scientists calculate that nearly all of the warming is due to human activity.'''<br>Sometime in the past few days or weeks, EPA altered some but not all of its climate change webpages, de-emphasizing and even deleting references to the burning of coal, oil and natural gas, which scientists say is the overwhelming cause of climate change.''' The website's causes of climate page mentions changes in Earth’s orbit, solar activity, Earth's reflectivity, volcanoes and natural carbon dioxide changes, but not the burning of fossil fuels. Seven scientists and three former EPA officials tell ''The Associated Press'' that this is misleading and harmful. ** Seth Borenstein, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/weather/topstories/epa-eliminates-mention-of-fossil-fuels-in-website-on-warming-s-causes-scientists-call-it-misleading/ar-AA1S26ru?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69395c9f68664a409d3383c70b753dc2&ei=8/"EPA eliminates mention of fossil fuels in website on warming's causes. Scientists call it misleading"], ''Associated Press'', 9 December 2025 * '''Trump administration health officials announced Thursday that the federal government will block transgender care to children by targeting hospitals and doctors that provide it. New proposed rules would prohibit hospitals from participating in Medicare and Medicaid if they provide care such as puberty blockers and surgeries for transgender minors, and would prevent federal coverage of such treatments.'''<br>“These procedures fail to meet professionally recognized standards of care,” US Health and Human Services Secretary [[Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr.|Robert F. Kennedy Jr.]] said, calling many types of transgender care “malpractice.” “Medical professionals or entities providing sex-rejecting procedures to children are out of compliance with these standards of health care.”<br>Medical groups denounced the announcements, saying they intrude on physician-patient relationships and jeopardize care for everyone.<br>“Allowing the government to determine which patient groups deserve care sets a dangerous precedent, and children and families will bear the consequences,” said Dr. Susan Kressly, president of the American Academy of Pediatrics. ** Jamie Gumbrecht & Sarah Owermohle, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/trump-moves-to-ban-transgender-care-for-minors-by-targeting-hospitals/ar-AA1SCfuh?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6944676570c24510a02669dd7ef64394&ei=11/"Trump moves to ban transgender care for minors by targeting hospitals"], CNN, 18 December 2025 * “Patients, their families, and their physicians – not politicians or government officials – should be the ones to make decisions together about what care is best for them. The government’s actions today make that task harder, if not impossible, for families of gender-diverse and transgender youth.”<br>It’s the latest in a string of actions by President Donald Trump’s administration that target transgender people, including eliminating mention of trans people on federal websites, halting data collection on health issues, removing trans people from the military and suing states that allow trans athletes to play on high school sports teams.<br>Also Thursdsay, US Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Dr. Marty Makary said the agency is sending warning letters to 12 makers and sellers of breast binders who marketed or sold the devices for treatment of gender dysphoria in children. National Institutes of Health Director Dr. Jay Bhattacharya also said the research agency will end support for research into gender transition, saying, “it was junk science to begin with.” ** Jamie Gumbrecht & Sarah Owermohle, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/trump-moves-to-ban-transgender-care-for-minors-by-targeting-hospitals/ar-AA1SCfuh?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6944676570c24510a02669dd7ef64394&ei=11/"Trump moves to ban transgender care for minors by targeting hospitals"], CNN, 18 December 2025 * HHS leaders on Thursday cited their own review of evidence and reports from other countries, many of which have faced sharp criticism for drawing sweeping conclusions with little or poor evidence.<br>Health officials said they expect to emphasize psychosocial assessment and support for transgender youth, including “compassionate, developmentally appropriate counseling.” But they acknowledged that there are a limited number of mental health care providers available.<br>Gender identity care, which is sometimes called gender-affirming care, is a multidisciplinary approach to help a person transition from their assigned gender – the one a clinician assigned them at birth, based mostly on anatomic characteristics – to the gender by which they identify. It can include mental health care or age-appropriate medical care such as hormone treatments, puberty blockers, gynecologic and urologic care and reproductive treatments.<br>Major mainstream medical associations – including the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the Endocrine Society, the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry – have supported such care and agree that it’s the gold standard of clinically appropriate care that can provide lifesaving treatment for children and adults. Professional medical organizations do not recommend surgery for children as a part of care, and research shows that it’s rare among transgender or gender-diverse teens. ** Jamie Gumbrecht & Sarah Owermohle, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/trump-moves-to-ban-transgender-care-for-minors-by-targeting-hospitals/ar-AA1SCfuh?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6944676570c24510a02669dd7ef64394&ei=11/"Trump moves to ban transgender care for minors by targeting hospitals"], CNN, 18 December 2025 * The American Civil Liberties Union said Thursday that it will challenge the administration’s rules in court. “These gratuitous proposals are cruel and unconstitutional attacks on the rights of transgender youth and their families,” Chase Strangio, co-director of the ACLU’s LGBTQ and HIV Rights Project, said in a statement. Kennedy said Thursday that the administration is confident it’s approach will pass court challenges. “If people sue us, they’re welcome to,” he said.<br>The HHS announcement came just after the House passed a bill that could imprison health care providers for providing trans care for minors. The bill, sponsored by Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia, could imprison doctors who provide care such as surgeries or puberty blockers for up to 10 years. It’s unclear whether the GOP-led Senate will take up the measure, though it is unlikely it would get enough Democratic support to pass out of that chamber. ** Jamie Gumbrecht & Sarah Owermohle, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/trump-moves-to-ban-transgender-care-for-minors-by-targeting-hospitals/ar-AA1SCfuh?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6944676570c24510a02669dd7ef64394&ei=11/"Trump moves to ban transgender care for minors by targeting hospitals"], CNN, 18 December 2025 * Merry Christmas to all, including the Radical Left Scum that is doing everything possible to destroy our Country, but are failing badly. We no longer have Open Borders, [[Transphobia in the United States|Men in Women’s Sports, Transgender for Everyone]], or Weak Law Enforcement. What we do have is a Record Stock Market and 401K’s, Lowest Crime numbers in decades, No Inflation, and yesterday, a 4.3 GDP, two points better than expected. Tariffs have given us Trillions of Dollars in Growth and Prosperity, and the strongest National Security we have ever had. We are respected again, perhaps like never before. God Bless America!!! President DJT ** Donald Trump in dual posts on Twitter and Truth Social on 25 December 2025[https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/2004012442427277591?s=20] * The Trump administration has given us precious little to be thankful for this year. As 2025 draws to a close, history will remember it as a year scarred by the chaos of a White House that seemed intent on breaking the back of our democracy once and for all. It’s a psychologically exhausting time for the millions already coping with a sagging job market and rising consumer prices.<br>A year-in-review posted by Mediaite lists dozens upon dozens of Trump’s scandals, crises and abuses while still failing to capture the full scope of incompetence and malice that defines this administration. Millions from all walks of life spent the year grappling with political earthquakes brought on by a nonfunctional and increasingly irrelevant Congress, a Supreme Court complicit in Trump’s radicalization of ICE, and a historic, tariff-driven wave of small business bankruptcies. As Mediaite discovered in its own attempt to catalogue the damage, the aftershocks are simply too numerous to count.<br>On the eve of America’s 250th birthday, what should be a celebration of enduring freedom feels in many ways like a looming funeral. 2025 saw the shredding of America’s social fabric to the point that Democrats and Republicans now seem to inhabit two mutually exclusive realities. ‘One nation under God’ has quickly become many nations under grievance. ** Max Burns, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/opinion-trump-presides-over-america-s-coming-apart/ar-AA1TlLqt?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6955463381fb4a7a9ffdbbc451ded704&ei=12/"Opinion: Trump presides over America’s coming-apart"], ''The Hill'', 31 December 2025 * A Pew Research Center survey published this month shows just how far things have fallen in the opening decades of the 21st century. Back in 2001, 54 percent of Americans reported trusting the federal government, a slight increase from the 47 percent who felt that way in the 1980s. Now, public trust in government is scraping historic lows across every metric: As of 2025, only 17 percent of Americans believe that what their government is telling them is true.<br>That doubt goes far beyond just factually impaired politicians like Trump, too. As PBS News reported in October, fewer and fewer people trust government inflation numbers or jobs reports — thanks in large part to Trump’s constant demands that labor and economic statistics serve his political interests instead of reflecting objective reality. Public officials who were unwilling to fudge their numbers in order to make Trump look good quickly found themselves out of their jobs, as ousted Bureau of Labor statistics commissioner Erika McEntarfer discovered in August.<br>Pew data from September reveals that the collapse of public trust in institutions is widespread. Most Americans now believe the Supreme Court has become too powerful and too unaccountable. Public approval of the nation’s highest court has fallen by nearly 25 percent since 2020, with a majority now viewing the court’s justices unfavorably. ** Max Burns, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/opinion-trump-presides-over-america-s-coming-apart/ar-AA1TlLqt?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6955463381fb4a7a9ffdbbc451ded704&ei=12/"Opinion: Trump presides over America’s coming-apart"], ''The Hill'', 31 December 2025 * Americans’ record level of distrust isn’t confined to the government. A Gallup poll found that trust in the media hit a new low of 28 percent in the back half of the year, with more than one-third of respondents saying they didn’t trust the news “at all.” Voting-age Americans now get their news from a larger number of sources than ever, from social media outlets like TikTok and X to YouTube influencers and, occasionally, even legacy news outlets like the ''New York Times''. Yet poll after poll suggests they are unlikely to trust any news except that which confirms their pre-existing political beliefs, which makes compromise — and even reasoned political discussion — all but impossible.<br>Most Americans don’t even trust their own neighbors or family members anymore. Nearly half of Americans now think members of the opposing political party are “evil.” Political polarization has increased so dramatically that both sides now routinely label their opponents as threats to democracy itself. Things have grown so tense that one in five American households report experiencing family estrangement due to political disagreements. Our families are quite literally collapsing from the weight of our all-consuming political and social hatreds. ** Max Burns, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/opinion-trump-presides-over-america-s-coming-apart/ar-AA1TlLqt?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6955463381fb4a7a9ffdbbc451ded704&ei=12/"Opinion: Trump presides over America’s coming-apart"], ''The Hill'', 31 December 2025 * '''If it feels like things are falling apart in America, it’s because they are. Our institutions, our media, even our families are falling victim to the toxicity of a culture in which politics now consumes every aspect of our lives and finds itself amplified by a president who wields divisiveness like an artist uses a paintbrush.'''<br>'''That will only get worse as our nation careens into what is certain to be a brutal 2026 midterm election campaign. America may still be here, but we mark its 250th birthday anything but united.''' ** Max Burns, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/opinion-trump-presides-over-america-s-coming-apart/ar-AA1TlLqt?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6955463381fb4a7a9ffdbbc451ded704&ei=12/"Opinion: Trump presides over America’s coming-apart"], ''The Hill'', 31 December 2025 * President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he’s withdrawing the National Guard from Chicago, Los Angeles and Portland but left the door open to sending federal forces “in a much different and stronger form.” His announcement comes after the US Supreme Court last week rejected his request to allow him to deploy the guard to Chicago to protect ICE agents as part of the administration’s ongoing immigration crackdown.<br>“We are removing the National Guard from Chicago, Los Angeles, and Portland, despite the fact that CRIME has been greatly reduced by having these great Patriots in those cities, and ONLY by that fact,” Trump wrote on Truth Social, arguing that those cities would be “gone if it weren’t for the Federal Government stepping in.” He suggested the possibility of future deployments, writing, “We will come back, perhaps in a much different and stronger form, when crime begins to soar again - Only a question of time!” ** Donald Judd, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/trump-says-he-s-withdrawing-national-guard-from-chicago-los-angeles-and-portland/ar-AA1TmR7k?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695654fa6e0e464a93c434629581b80f&ei=11/"Trump says he’s withdrawing National Guard from Chicago, Los Angeles and Portland"], CNN, 31 December 2025 * In blocking the guard deployment to Chicago, the Supreme Court suggested that a president’s power to federalize the guard — which federal law allows when he can no longer execute the laws of the United States with “regular forces” — would not apply to protecting agents enforcing immigration laws.<br>While the ruling was a blow to his administration’s efforts to crack down on illegal immigration, it appeared likely Trump could still invoke the Insurrection Act to deploy regular forces to Chicago and other cities. Invoking the 19th century law — a controversial move that Trump and his aides repeatedly teased during the 2024 campaign and early in the second term — would give him broad authority to evade restrictions on using the military domestically.<br>A separate National Guard deployment that Trump authorized in New Orleans began Tuesday as part of a heavy security presence for New Year’s celebrations a year after an attack on revelers on Bourbon Street killed 14 people. And Trump gave no indication he is pulling back from using the National Guard in Washington, DC, where it is operating under a different federal law that was not at issue before the Supreme Court. ** Donald Judd, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/trump-says-he-s-withdrawing-national-guard-from-chicago-los-angeles-and-portland/ar-AA1TmR7k?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695654fa6e0e464a93c434629581b80f&ei=11/"Trump says he’s withdrawing National Guard from Chicago, Los Angeles and Portland"], CNN, 31 December 2025 * Trump’s withdrawal announcement was welcomed by California Attorney General Rob Bonta, a Democrat, who said in a statement the administration was using the guard as “political pawns” and blasted Trump as “a President desperate to be a king.”<br>“While our rule of law remains under threat, our democratic institutions are holding,” Bonta wrote. “My office is not backing down — and we’re ready for whatever fights lie ahead.” ** Donald Judd, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/trump-says-he-s-withdrawing-national-guard-from-chicago-los-angeles-and-portland/ar-AA1TmR7k?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695654fa6e0e464a93c434629581b80f&ei=11/"Trump says he’s withdrawing National Guard from Chicago, Los Angeles and Portland"], CNN, 31 December 2025 * A federal judge had previously ordered the return of control of the California National Guard to Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom, but that ruling had been paused while the administration appealed. The Trump administration said in court papers on Tuesday that it was no longer requesting a pause on that portion of the order. On Wednesday, the US Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit upheld the lower court order and directed the Trump administration to return control of the troops to Newsom.<br>“About time @realDonaldTrump admitted defeat,” Newsom said in a post on X. “We’ve said it from day one: the federal takeover of California’s National Guard is illegal.”<br>Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker, a Democrat, echoed similar sentiments in response to Trump’s announcement.<br>“He lost in court when Illinois stood up against his attempt to militarize American cities with the National Guard,” Pritzker said on social media. “Now Trump is forced to stand down.” ** Donald Judd, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/trump-says-he-s-withdrawing-national-guard-from-chicago-los-angeles-and-portland/ar-AA1TmR7k?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695654fa6e0e464a93c434629581b80f&ei=11/"Trump says he’s withdrawing National Guard from Chicago, Los Angeles and Portland"], CNN, 31 December 2025 === 2026 === ==== January 2026 ==== [[File:President Nicolas Maduro on board the USS Iwo Jima (cropped).png|thumb|In a move that stunned the world, the United States bombed Venezuela and abducted President Nicolas Maduro amid condemnation and plaudits. The legality of the strikes, which killed more than 100 people, has been heavily questioned by the United Nations and legal experts. ~ Julio Blanca]] [[File:Flag of Greenland.svg|thumb|Greenland belongs to its people. It is for Denmark and Greenland, and them only, to decide on matters concerning Denmark and Greenland.]] [[File:Coat of arms of Greenland.svg|thumb|Sure, technically it belongs to Denmark. But aside from the dozens of Danish soldiers who died alongside U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, what have the Danes really done for us lately? ~ ''Duffel Blog'']] [[File:Denmark-Greenland (orthographic projection).svg|thumb| This is not more complicated than the fact that Trump wants a giant island with his name on it. He wouldn’t think twice about putting our troops in danger if it makes him feel big and strong. The US military is not a toy. ~ [[Ruben Gallego]]]] [[File:ICE Agents in Minneapolis After Shooting.jpg|thumb|The alarm was warranted. Everyone on the scene had witnessed the crossing of a crucial line in Donald Trump’s mass-deportation project: ICE had just killed an American citizen on American soil.<br>The administration has since declared that the agent “is protected by absolute immunity,” whatever that means, a signal of unconditional support for an agency bloated with thousands of new, heavily armed, and minimally trained recruits, deployed around the country to help achieve Trump’s goal of deporting 1 million immigrants a year. Events such as Good’s death set the stage for yet more lethal confrontations, which the administration can be trusted to defend with the same specious pretext. What is now overt, in a way that it hadn’t been Wednesday morning, is that these agents are at war with the public, and have been for some time. ~ Elizabeth Bruenig]] [[File:Arrest This Murderer, Minneapolis (55028772697).jpg|thumb|Protesters in Minneapolis have since flooded the streets in the thousands, and ICE agents have responded by apprehending some, shoving others to the ground, and spraying chemical irritants in their faces. These incidents have ignited mass demonstrations nationwide, in which protesters have wailed “Shame” and “Murder,” banged drums, screeched from metal whistles, and hoisted signs declaring what is no longer deniable: ICE kills. ~ Elizabeth Bruenig]] * '''In a move that stunned the world, the United States bombed Venezuela and abducted President Nicolas Maduro amid condemnation and plaudits.'''<br>In a news conference on Saturday at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, US President Donald Trump praised the operation to seize Maduro as one of the “most stunning, effective and powerful displays of American military might and competence in American history”. It was the riskiest and most high-profile military operation sanctioned by Washington since the US Navy’s SEAL team killed al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in a safe house in Pakistan’s Abbottabad in 2011.<br>News of the 63-year-old Maduro being abducted took over the global news cycle. After months of escalation and threats over Maduro’s alleged involvement in shipping drugs to the US, the Trump administration had increased pressure on Caracas with a military buildup in the Caribbean and a series of deadly missile attacks on alleged drug-running boats. '''The legality of the strikes, which killed more than 100 people, has been heavily questioned by the United Nations and legal experts.''' The US had also offered a $50m reward for information leading to Maduro’s arrest.<br>But while the military was conducting operations in the Caribbean, US intelligence had been gathering information about Maduro. Meanwhile, special forces were covertly rehearsing a plan to forcibly remove him from power. ** Julio Blanca, [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/1/4/how-the-us-attack-on-venezuela-abduction-of-maduro-unfolded/"How the US attack on Venezuela, abduction of Maduro unfolded"], ''Aljazeera'', 4 January 2026 * During his news conference on Saturday, Trump announced that the US would “run” Venezuela until a new leader was chosen. “We’re going to make sure that country is run properly. We’re not doing this in vain,” he said. “This is a very dangerous attack. This is an attack that could have gone very, very badly.” The president did not rule out deploying US troops in the country and said he was “not afraid of boots on the ground if we have to”. Trump also, somewhat surprisingly, ruled out working with opposition figure and Nobel Peace Prize winner Maria Corina Machado, who had dedicated her prize, which he wanted to win himself, to the US president. “She doesn’t have the support within, or the respect within, the country,” he said.<br>The Constitutional Chamber of Venezuela’s Supreme Court ordered Vice President Delcy Rodriguez to serve as acting president following the US’s abduction of Maduro. The court ruled that Rodriguez would assume “the office of President of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela, in order to guarantee administrative continuity and the comprehensive defence of the Nation”. The court also said it would work to “determine the applicable legal framework to guarantee the continuity of the State, the administration of government, and the defense of sovereignty in the face of the forced absence of the President of the Republic”.<br>Trump had said earlier on Saturday that the US would not occupy Venezuela, provided Rodriguez “does what we want”. ** Julio Blanca, [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/1/4/how-the-us-attack-on-venezuela-abduction-of-maduro-unfolded/"How the US attack on Venezuela, abduction of Maduro unfolded"], ''Aljazeera'', 4 January 2026 * Donald Trump has again proposed annexing Greenland, after Denmark's leader urged him to "stop the threats" over the island. Speaking to reporters, the US president said "we need Greenland from the standpoint of national security". Trump has repeatedly raised the prospect of the semi-autonomous Danish territory becoming an annexed part of the US, citing its strategic location for defence purposes and mineral wealth. Greenland's Prime Minister Jens Frederik Nielsen responded by saying "that's enough now" and described the notion of US control over the island as a "fantasy". He said: "No more pressure. No more insinuations. No more fantasies of annexation. We are open to dialogue. We are open to discussions. But this must happen through the proper channels and with respect for international law."<br>Earlier, Denmark's Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen had said "the US has no right to annex any of the three nations in the Danish kingdom". Frederiksen added that Denmark "and thus Greenland" was a Nato member and covered by the alliance's security guarantee, and said a defence agreement granting the US access to the island was already in place. ** Thomas Mackintosh & Nick Beake, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c4g0zg974v1o/"'We need Greenland': Trump repeats threat to annex Danish territory"], BBC, 5 January 2026 * '''We live in a world in which you can talk all you want about international niceties and everything else, but we live in a world, in the real world, Jake, that is governed by strength, that is governed by force, that is governed by power.''' These are the iron laws of the world that have existed since the beginning of time. The United States … we are in charge because we have the United States military stationed outside the country. We set the terms and conditions. We have a complete embargo on all of their oil and their ability to do commerce. ** [[Stephen Miller]] regarding [[w:2026 United States strikes in Venezuela|US strikes in Venezuela]] & Donald Trump's repeated threats to invade Greenland, [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/cg/date/2026-01-05/segment/01 Interview on ''The Lead with Jake Tapper'' (5 January 2026)], 5 January 2026 * '''[[Donald Trump|The President]] has been clear for months now that the [[United States]] should be the [[nation]] that has [[Greenland]] as part of our overall security apparatus … that has been the formal position of the U.S. [[government]] [[w:Foreign policy of the second Trump administration|since the beginning of this administration]], frankly, going back into the [[w:Foreign policy of the first Trump administration|previous Trump administration]], that [[w:American expansionism under Donald Trump|Greenland should be part of the United States]].''' <br /> '''The President has been very clear about that. That is the formal position of the U.S. government.''' ** [[Stephen Miller]] regarding [[w:2026 United States strikes in Venezuela|US strikes in Venezuela]] & Donald Trump's repeated threats to invade Greenland, [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/cg/date/2026-01-05/segment/01 Interview on ''The Lead with Jake Tapper'' (5 January 2026)], 5 January 2026 * The Danish prime minister released her statement after Katie Miller - the wife of one of Trump's senior aides, Stephen Miller - posted on social media a map of Greenland in the colours of the American flag alongside the word "SOON".<br>The Danish ambassador to the US responded to the post by Miller - a right-wing podcaster and former aide to Trump during his first term - with a "friendly reminder" that the two countries were allies and saying Denmark expected respect for its territorial integrity.<br>The back and forth over the future Greenland comes in the wake of a major military operation against Venezuela on Saturday, seizing its president Nicolás Maduro and his wife and removing them to New York. Trump later said the US would "run" Venezuela and US oil companies would "start making money for the country".<br>The situation has reignited fears that the US may consider using force to secure control of Greenland, a vast island in the Arctic - something the US president has previously refused to rule out. Trump has claimed that making it part of the United States would serve American security interests due to its strategic location and its abundance of minerals critical to high-tech sectors. ** Thomas Mackintosh & Nick Beake, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c4g0zg974v1o/"'We need Greenland': Trump repeats threat to annex Danish territory"], BBC, 5 January 2026 * The Trump administration's recent move to appoint a special envoy to Greenland prompted anger in Denmark. Greenland, which has a population of 57,000 people, has had extensive self-government since 1979, though defence and foreign policy remain in Danish hands. While most Greenlanders favour eventual independence from Denmark, opinion polls show overwhelming opposition to becoming part of the US.<br>In comments to the BBC, UK Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said that only Denmark and Greenland could decide the territory's fate. "Greenland and the Kingdom of Denmark must decide the future of Greenland, and only Greenland and the Kingdom of Denmark," he said.<br>Separately, a representative for the European Union has rejected a claim by Trump that the EU "needs" the US to control the territory. Trump told reporters aboard Air Force One at the weekend that "the EU needs us to have [Greenland] and they know that." European Commission chief spokesperson Paula Pinho told the BBC that it was "certainly not" the EU's position, adding that she was unaware of any discussions with the US about the issue. ** Thomas Mackintosh & Nick Beake, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c4g0zg974v1o/"'We need Greenland': Trump repeats threat to annex Danish territory"], BBC, 5 January 2026 * Norwegian leaders are making it clear that they continue to strongly support their Danish counterparts’ efforts to defend the Kingdom of Denmark, which has sovereignty over Denmark, Greenland and the Færoe Islands. US Donald Trump’s threats to take over Greenland, they say, would not only be another US violation of the Rule of Law but also a violation of the NATO pact. ** Nina Berglund, [https://www.newsinenglish.no/2026/01/06/norway-stands-firm-with-denmark-warns-us-will-violate-nato-pact/"Norway stands firm with Denmark, warns Trump will violate NATO pact"], ''News In English'', 6 January 2026 * “My starting point is that it won’t happen,” Norwegian Foreign Minister Espen Barth Eide told newspaper Aftenposten after Trump claimed once again that “we need Greenland.” Trump’s latest remarks to reporters came just after he’d ordered a military intervention in Venezuela that Norway called a violation of the Rule of Law. Trump’s remarks also prompted Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen to quickly respond that the “USA has no right to annex one of the three countries in our kingdom.” That further prompted Norway’s own prime minister, Jonas Gahr Støre, to confirm his support for Frederiksen on national radio Monday morning.<br>“We have to speak out about how Greenland is part of the Kingdom of Denmark, and its (future) is up to the Danes and the Greenlanders,” Støre said on state broadcaster NRK’s popular morning talkshow Politisk kvarter. The program had invited both Støre and the head of the opposition in the Norwegian Parliament, Sylvi Listhaug of the right-wing Progress Party, to a New Year’s debate that took a new turn after Trump’s remarks during the night before.<br>Listhaug and Støre are usually at odds on most issues, but in this case, she firmly supported both Støre and Denmark. Listhaug called Trump’s grab for Greenland “completely unacceptable” and stressed that “international rules” must apply. ** Nina Berglund, [https://www.newsinenglish.no/2026/01/06/norway-stands-firm-with-denmark-warns-us-will-violate-nato-pact/"Norway stands firm with Denmark, warns Trump will violate NATO pact"], ''News In English'', 6 January 2026 * The Danes can point to their own right to Greenland through their national sovereignty laws, and that the population of Greenland is nearly twice what Miller claimed: 57,000. Military experts and researchers in Denmark also deny Trump’s claim that Chinese and Russian ships are lurking all around Greenland, calling it an attempt to legitimize his takeover attempt. The Danish Parliament’s foreign affairs committee was calling in members for a crisis meeting Tuesday night. ** Nina Berglund, [https://www.newsinenglish.no/2026/01/06/norway-stands-firm-with-denmark-warns-us-will-violate-nato-pact/"Norway stands firm with Denmark, warns Trump will violate NATO pact"], ''News In English'', 6 January 2026 * Head Start early childhood programs are fighting back against the Trump administration in a lawsuit after being told words like “Black,” “disability,” “female,” “minority,” “trauma,” “tribal,” and “women" must be removed from funding applications — or be denied, NPR reports. The list, submitted Dec. 5, includes 200 words, including “accessible" and "belong" in a lawsuit from programs in states including Pennsylvania, Washington, Wisconsin, and Illinois, all against the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) and Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The group argues that the Trump administration’s diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) ban in federal programs conflicts with Head Start’s statutory mandate, which includes providing “linguistically and culturally appropriate” services, in addition to early intervention services for disabled children.<br>The list revelation came after the executive director of a Wisconsin-based Head Start program submitted a Sept. 30, 2025, application for funding and was rejected after 50 years. Two months later, the director, Mary Roe, said she received two emails from HHS instructing her to “please remove the following words from your application" — a total of 19 words, including "racism,” “race,” and “racial” were listed.<br>Her application was returned, but shortly after, Roe received another email from her appointed HHS program specialist saying, “I wanted to follow up with you concerning your application." "I sent it back asking for the removal of particular words, and I wanted to provide you with the complete list of words to make sure they are not in your applications," the specialist explained. ** Sharelle B. McNair, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/say-what-words-like-black-women-disability-and-tribal-are-now-banned-from-head-start-grant-applications/ar-AA1THu1w?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695e43d499394a849d658617dc70e7a5&ei=14/"Say what? Words like ‘Black,' ‘Women,' ‘Disability,' and ‘Tribal' are now banned from Head Start grant applications"], ''Black Enterprise'', 6 January 2026 * Roe labels the issue an “impossible situation” since the federal Head Start Act contains many of the words that programs are now being forced to avoid. One of Head Start’s longstanding responsibilities is “to create inclusive and accessible classrooms for children with disabilities,” but now HHS is pushing against the words “disability,” “disabilities,” and “inclusion” in funding applications.<br>With the list now out in the public, Head Start centers could be forced to eliminate the definition of DEI, which the former lead of the Office of Child Care, Ruth Friedman, calls fear. "Grantees are sort of self-selecting out of those activities beforehand because of fear and direction they're getting from the Office of Head Start that they can't do these important research-based activities anymore that are important for children's learning and that are actually required by law," Friedman, who served under former President Joe Biden, said, according to Associated Press.<br>The move is another attack on DEI handed down by President Donald Trump who signed a January 2025 executive order labeling “illegal DEI and DEIA policies not only violate the text and spirit of our longstanding Federal civil-rights laws" but "also undermine our national unity, as they deny, discredit, and undermine the traditional American values of hard work, excellence, and individual achievement in favor of an unlawful, corrosive, and pernicious identity-based spoils system.” Since then, the domino effect targeted college campuses, retail, nonprofits, grants, and more. ** Sharelle B. McNair, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/say-what-words-like-black-women-disability-and-tribal-are-now-banned-from-head-start-grant-applications/ar-AA1THu1w?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695e43d499394a849d658617dc70e7a5&ei=14/"Say what? Words like ‘Black,' ‘Women,' ‘Disability,' and ‘Tribal' are now banned from Head Start grant applications"], ''Black Enterprise'', 6 January 2026 * '''This is not more complicated than the fact that Trump wants a giant island with his name on it. He wouldn’t think twice about putting our troops in danger if it makes him feel big and strong. The US military is not a toy.''' ** [[Ruben Gallego]], U.S. Senator from Arizona in a post on Twitter on 6 January 2026, as quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/republican-breaks-with-trump-over-greenland-remarks-not-an-asset/ar-AA1TItt5?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695e0a740c324cb38d7cfeea4c12dbb0&ei=22/"Republican breaks with Trump over Greenland remarks: "Not an asset""] by Anna Commander, ''Newsweek'', 6 January 2026 * We must see it as an ally, not an asset, and focus on continued partnership rather than possession. ** [[Lisa Murkowski]], U.S. Senator from Alaska regarding Donald Trump's repeated threats to invade Greenland, as quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/republican-breaks-with-trump-over-greenland-remarks-not-an-asset/ar-AA1TItt5?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695e0a740c324cb38d7cfeea4c12dbb0&ei=22/"Republican breaks with Trump over Greenland remarks: "Not an asset""] by Anna Commander, ''Newsweek'', 6 January 2026 * Arctic security remains a key priority for Europe and it is critical for international and transatlantic security. NATO has made clear that the Arctic region is a priority and European Allies are stepping up. We and many other Allies have increased our presence, activities and investments, to keep the Arctic safe and to deter adversaries. The Kingdom of Denmark – including Greenland – is part of NATO. Security in the Arctic must therefore be achieved collectively, in conjunction with NATO allies including the United States, by upholding the principles of the UN Charter, including sovereignty, territorial integrity and the inviolability of borders. These are universal principles, and we will not stop defending them.<br>The United States is an essential partner in this endeavour, as a NATO ally and through the defence agreement between the Kingdom of Denmark and the United States of 1951. '''Greenland belongs to its people. It is for Denmark and Greenland, and them only, to decide on matters concerning Denmark and Greenland.''' ** Join statement issued by President [[Emmanuel Macron|Macron]] of France, Chancellor Merz of Germany, Prime Minister Meloni of Italy, Prime Minister Tusk of Poland, Prime Minister Sánchez of Spain, Prime Minister Starmer of the United Kingdom and Prime Minister Frederiksen of Denmark on Greenland, [https://stm.dk/statsministeriet/publikationer/faellesudtalelse-om-groenland/"Joint Statement on Greenland"], 6 January 2026 * Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen on Monday said that a US takeover of Greenland would mean the end of the NATO military alliance. On Tuesday, Frederiksen released a joint statement with the leaders of Germany, France, Italy, Poland, Spain and the UK reiterating that European allies were stepping up "to keep the Arctic safe and to deter adversaries." It comes after US President Donald Trump renewed his calls for the large Arctic island, which is an autonomous territory of Denmark, to come under Washington's control. Frederiksen said that "everything would stop" when it comes to cooperation with Washington in the event of a US attack on another NATO member. "If the United States decides to attack another NATO country, then everything would stop — that includes NATO and therefore post-World War II security," Frederiksen said.<br>Meanwhile, Greenland's prime minister, Jens-Frederik Nielsen, called for the territory to restore "good cooperation" with the United States and urged Greenlanders not to "panic." "The situation is not such that the United States can conquer Greenland. That is not the case. Therefore, we must not panic. We must restore the good cooperation we once had," Nielsen said while speaking in Greenland's capital, Nuuk. In a social media post on Monday, he called for Trump to give up "fantasies" of annexing Greenland. "That's enough now. No more pressure. No more insinuations. No more fantasies of annexation." "We are open to dialogue," he said. "But this must happen through the proper channels and with respect for international law." ** Farah Bahgat & Saim Dušan Inayatullah, [https://www.dw.com/en/nato-could-end-if-us-takes-over-greenland-danish-pm/a-75401270/"NATO could end if US takes over Greenland — Danish PM"], ''Deutsche Welle'', 6 January 2026 * In a joint statement with Frederiksen, French President Emmanuel Macron, German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, Italian Prime Minister Meloni, Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk, Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez and British Prime Minister Keir Starmer expressed support for Denmark and Greenland. "Arctic security remains a key priority for Europe and it is critical for international and transatlantic security," the joint statement read. "We and many other Allies have increased our presence, activities and investments, to keep the Arctic safe and to deter adversaries," it added. The seven leaders stressed that Washington "is an essential partner in this endeavour." ** Farah Bahgat & Saim Dušan Inayatullah, [https://www.dw.com/en/nato-could-end-if-us-takes-over-greenland-danish-pm/a-75401270/"NATO could end if US takes over Greenland — Danish PM"], ''Deutsche Welle'', 6 January 2026 * On Sunday, Trump reiterated his view that Greenland should come under the control of the United States a day after Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro was captured in a US incursion and taken to New York to stand trial. "We need Greenland," Trump told journalists on Sunday, stressing that this was necessary for Washington's "national security" and claiming that the island was surrounded "by Chinese and Russian ships." Trump has in the past offered to buy the territory, while not ruling out the use of military force to take it over.<br>Greenland has large quantities of oil, critical minerals and other resources. The territory could also gain economic importance in coming decades as new Arctic shipping routes open due to the melting of polar ice. Greenland already hosts a US military base, and Copenhagen has expressed willingness to allow for the deployment of additional US troops. On Monday, top Trump adviser Stephen Miller described Greenland as "a colony of Denmark," adding "nobody's going to fight the United States militarily over the future of Greenland." ** Farah Bahgat & Saim Dušan Inayatullah, [https://www.dw.com/en/nato-could-end-if-us-takes-over-greenland-danish-pm/a-75401270/"NATO could end if US takes over Greenland — Danish PM"], ''Deutsche Welle'', 6 January 2026 * Six European allies have rallied to support Denmark following renewed insistence by the US that it must have control over Greenland. "Greenland belongs to its people, and only Denmark and Greenland can decide on matters concerning their relations," the leaders of the UK, France, Germany, Italy, Poland, Spain, and Denmark said in a joint statement. On Sunday, Donald Trump said the US "needed" Greenland - a semi-autonomous region of fellow Nato member Denmark - for security reasons. He has refused to rule out the use of force to take control of the territory, and Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen warned on Monday that an attack by the US would spell the end of NATO. ** Paulin Kola, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c07xkeee2k3o/"European allies back Denmark over Trump's threat to annex Greenland"], BBC, 6 January 2026 * The Trump administration's recent move to appoint a special envoy to Greenland prompted anger in Denmark. Greenland, which has a population of 57,000 people, has had extensive self-government since 1979, though defence and foreign policy remain in Danish hands. While most Greenlanders favour eventual independence from Denmark, opinion polls show overwhelming opposition to becoming part of the US.<br>Morgan Angaju, 27, an Inuit living in Ilulissat in the west of the country, told BBC Newsbeat it had been "terrifying to listen to the leader of the free world laughing at Denmark and Greenland and just talking about us like we're something to claim". "We are already claimed by the Greenlandic people. Kalaallit Nunaat means the land of the Greenlandic people," Morgan said. He added he was worried about what happens next - wondering whether Greenland's prime minister may suffer the same fate as Maduro - or even about the US "invading our country". ** Paulin Kola, [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c07xkeee2k3o/"European allies back Denmark over Trump's threat to annex Greenland"], BBC, 6 January 2026 * The Trump administration will withdraw from dozens of international organizations, including the U.N.'s population agency and the U.N. treaty that establishes international climate negotiations, as the U.S. further retreats from global cooperation. President Donald Trump on Wednesday signed an executive order suspending U.S. support for 66 organizations, agencies, and commissions, following his administration’s review of participation in and funding for all international organizations, including those affiliated with the United Nations, according to a White House release.<br>Many of the targets are U.N.-related agencies, commissions and advisory panels that focus on climate, labor, migration and other issues the Trump administration has categorized as catering to diversity and “woke” initiatives. Other non-U.N. organizations on the list include the Partnership for Atlantic Cooperation, the International Institute for Democracy and Electoral Assistance, and the Global Counterterrorism Forum.<br>“The Trump Administration has found these institutions to be redundant in their scope, mismanaged, unnecessary, wasteful, poorly run, captured by the interests of actors advancing their own agendas contrary to our own, or a threat to our nation’s sovereignty, freedoms, and general prosperity,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio said in a statement.<br>Trump's decision to withdraw from organizations that foster cooperation among nations to address global challenges comes as his administration has launched military efforts or issued threats that have rattled allies and adversaries alike, including capturing autocratic Venezuelan leader Nicolás Maduro and indicating an intention to take over Greenland. ** Matthew Lee & Farnoush Amiri, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/us-will-exit-dozens-of-international-organizations-as-it-further-retreats-from-global-cooperation/ar-AA1TLJmD?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695edaf7649a4392b697af0184b92510&ei=48?/"US will exit 66 international organizations as it further retreats from global cooperation"], ''The Associated Press'', 7 January 2026 * The administration previously suspended support for agencies like the World Health Organization, the U.N. agency for Palestinian refugees known as UNRWA, the U.N. Human Rights Council and the U.N. cultural agency UNESCO. It has taken a larger, à la carte approach to paying dues to the world body, picking which operations and agencies it believes align with Trump’s agenda and those that no longer serve U.S. interests.<br>“I think what we’re seeing is the crystallization of the U.S. approach to multilateralism, which is ‘my way or the highway,’” said Daniel Forti, head of U.N. affairs at the International Crisis Group. “It's a very clear vision of wanting international cooperation on Washington’s own terms.”<br>It has marked a major shift from how previous administrations — both Republican and Democratic — have dealt with the U.N., and it has forced the world body, already undergoing its own internal reckoning, to respond with a series of staffing and program cuts. Many independent nongovernmental agencies — some that work with the United Nations — have cited many project closures because of the U.S. administration’s decision last year to slash foreign assistance through the U.S. Agency for International Development, or USAID.<br>Despite the massive shift, Trump administration officials say they see the potential of the U.N. and want to instead focus taxpayer money on expanding American influence in many of the standard-setting U.N. initiatives where there is competition with China, like the International Telecommunications Union, the International Maritime Organization and the International Labor Organization. ** Matthew Lee & Farnoush Amiri, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/us-will-exit-dozens-of-international-organizations-as-it-further-retreats-from-global-cooperation/ar-AA1TLJmD?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695edaf7649a4392b697af0184b92510&ei=48?/"US will exit 66 international organizations as it further retreats from global cooperation"], ''The Associated Press'', 7 January 2026 * The withdrawal from the U.N. Framework Convention on Climate Change, or UNFCCC, is the latest effort by Trump and his allies to distance the U.S. from international organizations focused on climate and addressing climate change. UNFCCC, the 1992 agreement between 198 countries to financially support climate change activities in developing countries, is the underlying treaty for the landmark Paris climate agreement. Trump — who calls climate change a hoax — withdrew from that agreement soon after reclaiming the White House.<br>Gina McCarthy, former White House National Climate Adviser, said being the only country in the world not part of the treaty is “shortsighted, embarrassing, and a foolish decision.” “This Administration is forfeiting our country’s ability to influence trillions of dollars in investments, policies, and decisions that would have advanced our economy and protected us from costly disasters wreaking havoc on our country,” McCarthy, who co-chairs America Is All In, a coalition of climate-concerned U.S. states and cities, said in a statement.<br>Mainstream scientists say climate change is behind increasing instances of deadly and costly extreme weather, including flooding, droughts, wildfires, intense rainfall events and dangerous heat. ** Matthew Lee & Farnoush Amiri, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/us-will-exit-dozens-of-international-organizations-as-it-further-retreats-from-global-cooperation/ar-AA1TLJmD?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695edaf7649a4392b697af0184b92510&ei=48?/"US will exit 66 international organizations as it further retreats from global cooperation"], ''The Associated Press'', 7 January 2026 * The U.S. withdrawal could hinder global efforts to curb greenhouse gases because it “gives other nations the excuse to delay their own actions and commitments,” said Stanford University climate scientist Rob Jackson, who chairs the Global Carbon Project, a group of scientists that tracks countries’ carbon dioxide emissions. It will also be difficult to achieve meaningful progress on climate change without cooperation from the U.S., one of the world’s largest emitters and economies, experts said.<br>The U.N. Population Fund, the agency providing sexual and reproductive health worldwide, has long been a lightning rod for Republican opposition, and Trump cut funding for it during his first term. He and other GOP officials have accused the agency of participating in “coercive abortion practices” in countries like China. When President Joe Biden took office in January 2021, he restored funding for the agency. A State Department review conducted the following year found no evidence to support GOP claims.<br>Other organizations and agencies that the U.S. will quit include the Carbon Free Energy Compact, the United Nations University, the International Cotton Advisory Committee, the International Tropical Timber Organization, the Partnership for Atlantic Cooperation, the Pan-American Institute for Geography and History, the International Federation of Arts Councils and Culture Agencies, and the International Lead and Zinc Study Group. ** Matthew Lee & Farnoush Amiri, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/us-will-exit-dozens-of-international-organizations-as-it-further-retreats-from-global-cooperation/ar-AA1TLJmD?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=695edaf7649a4392b697af0184b92510&ei=48?/"US will exit 66 international organizations as it further retreats from global cooperation"], ''The Associated Press'', 7 January 2026 * The Trump administration is denying state and local officials any access to the investigation into the shooting, offering little hope for a non-partisan probe into what happened. “They don’t have any jurisdiction in this investigation,” Noem said Thursday. She then railed against Minneapolis and Minnesota officials for not doing enough to assist ICE. Her remarks came after Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension (BCA) Superintendent Drew Evans released a statement saying the U.S. attorney’s office has barred it from participating in the federal investigation.<br>“Without complete access to the evidence, witnesses and information collected, we cannot meet the investigative standards that Minnesota law and the public demands,” Evans wrote. “As a result, the BCA has reluctantly withdrawn from the investigation.” It’s impossible for Minnesota to do its own investigation without the federal government’s cooperation, the state’s Department of Public Safety commissioner Bob Jacobson explained Thursday.<br>“They do have all the evidence in the original investigative notes and reports. We have none of that. They have shared none of that with us,” he said. “We would welcome the opportunity to jump back in to ... find the answers that the public deserves. Without any of that information, without any of that assistance from the FBI or the federal government, we would be at a loss to be able to initiate and conduct a thorough investigation.” Noem said Thursday she’s already confident the investigation will clear the ICE agent of any wrongdoing.<br>“We have expected all the policies and procedures of review will be exactly that he acted appropriately to protect his life and the life of his colleagues,” she said Thursday when asked to share more information about him.<br>Following Noem’s remarks, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz (D) said getting a fair outcome from an investigation into the shooting “feels very, very difficult” now. “I say that only because people in positions of power have already passed judgment, from the President to the Vice President to Kristi Noem, have stood and told you things that are verifiably false, verifiably inaccurate,” a despondent Walz said at a press conference. “They have determined the character of a 37-year-old mom that they didn’t even know.” ** Lydia O'Connor, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/it-sure-looks-like-the-trump-administration-is-trying-to-cover-up-a-killing/ar-AA1TQDlO?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6960df977dcb47ad84d9e8003f6d54ee&ei=15/"It sure looks like the Trump administration is trying to cover up a killing"], ''HuffPost'', 8 January 2026 * The Trump administration announced it is suspending $129m in federal benefit payments to Minnesota amid allegations of widespread fraud in the state. The secretary of the US Department of Agriculture (USDA), Brooke Rollins, shared a letter on Friday on social media that was addressed to Minnesota’s governor, Tim Walz, and the mayor of Minneapolis, Jacob Frey, notifying them of the administration’s decision and citing investigations into alleged fraud conducted by local non-profits and businesses. “Despite a staggering, wide-reaching fraud scandal, your administrations refuse to provide basic information or take common sense measures to stop fraud. The Trump administration refuses to allow such fraud to continue,” Rollins wrote.<br>Rollins asked Walz and Frey to provide the USDA with justification for all federal spending from 20 January 2025 to the present within 30 days. She is also requiring that all federal payments to the state moving forward require the same justification. “We’re communicating with state partners to understand the impacts of such a blanket cut to funding meant for residents most in need,” Brian Feintech, a spokesperson for the city of Minneapolis, said in a written statement in response to Rollins’s letter.<br>“What’s abundantly clear is that Minneapolis is the latest target of the Trump administration – willing to harm Americans in service to its perceived political gain.”<br>Minnesota’s attorney general, Keith Ellison, publicly responded to Rollins’s post, writing on X: “I will not allow you to take from Minnesotans in need. I’ll see you in court.” ** Sara Braun, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-administration-suspends-129m-in-benefit-payments-to-minnesota/ar-AA1TXw8T?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696288fd8dbf4b68a5639be7125a980c&ei=19/"Trump administration suspends $129m in benefit payments to Minnesota"], ''The Guardian'', 10 January 2026 * The USDA’s announcement coincides with a federal ruling that the Trump administration cannot block federal money for childcare subsidies and other programs aimed at supporting low-income families with children from reaching five Democratic-led states, including Minnesota. The Trump administration has targeted Minnesota over the past year over allegations of fraud, specifically going after the state’s Somali population. Federal prosecutors estimate as much as $9bn has been stolen across schemes allegedly linked to the state’s Somali population. Trump ended legal protections for Somali immigrants in the state in November 2025, claiming that “Somali gangs are terrorizing the people of that great State, and BILLIONS of Dollars are missing. Send them back to where they came from.”<br>Shortly thereafter, Trump went off on both Somalis and Ilhan Omar, the Minnesota congressional representative who is from Somalia and is a US citizen, in a xenophobic rant during a cabinet meeting. “They contribute nothing. I don’t want them in our country, I’ll be honest with you,” the president said. He called Omar “garbage” and said “we’re going to go the wrong way if we keep taking in garbage into our country”. ** Sara Braun, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-administration-suspends-129m-in-benefit-payments-to-minnesota/ar-AA1TXw8T?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696288fd8dbf4b68a5639be7125a980c&ei=19/"Trump administration suspends $129m in benefit payments to Minnesota"], ''The Guardian'', 10 January 2026 * A month later, in December 2025, the FBI announced that it was deploying additional investigative and personnel resources to “dismantle large-scale fraud schemes exploiting federal programs” in the state, according to its director, Kash Patel. Patel said the agency had already dismantled a $250m fraud scheme that stole federal food aid meant for vulnerable children during the Covid pandemic in a case that led to 78 indictments and 57 convictions.<br>Last week, Walz announced that he would not run for a third term as Minnesota’s governor, as his handling of the fraud has fallen under intense scrutiny from Trump and Republicans. In his announcement, Walz acknowledged that the president and his political allies have taken advantage of the crisis to sow further division in the state.<br>“I won’t mince words here,” Walz said. “Donald Trump and his allies – in Washington, in St Paul and online – want to make our state a colder, meaner place.” ** Sara Braun, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-administration-suspends-129m-in-benefit-payments-to-minnesota/ar-AA1TXw8T?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696288fd8dbf4b68a5639be7125a980c&ei=19/"Trump administration suspends $129m in benefit payments to Minnesota"], ''The Guardian'', 10 January 2026 * Civil liberties and migrant-rights groups called for nationwide rallies on Saturday to protest the fatal shooting of an activist in Minnesota by a U.S. immigration agent, as state authorities opened their own investigation of the killing. Protest organizers said more than 1,000 weekend events were planned across the country demanding an end to large-scale deployments of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents ordered by President Donald Trump, mostly to cities led by Democratic politicians.<br>Minneapolis became a major flashpoint of the Republican president's militarized deportation roundups on Wednesday, when an ICE officer shot and killed a 37-year-old mother of three, Renee Good, behind the wheel of her car on a residential street. The violence came soon after some 2,000 federal officers were dispatched to Minneapolis in what ICE's parent agency, the Department of Homeland Security, called the "largest DHS operation ever." Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, a Democrat, condemned the deployment as a "reckless" example of "governance by reality TV." ** Renee Hickman, Steve Gorman & Nathan Layne, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/fatal-ice-shooting-of-minneapolis-activist-sets-stage-for-national-protests/ar-AA1TWJeC?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696250ef11b64ca2991c35ae7ad81e96&ei=17/"Fatal ICE shooting of Minneapolis activist sets stage for national protests"], ''Reuters'', 10 January 2026 * On Friday night, throngs of demonstrators staged a "noise protest" outside a Minneapolis hotel believed to be lodging a visiting contingent of ICE agents. Video posted by activists on social media showed protesters, some wearing brightly colored inflatable costumes, creating a din by beating on drums, banging pots and pans, yelling through bullhorns and blowing on brass instruments and whistles. Others directed high-power flashlight beams at the hotel's windows. The crowd thinned after yellow-vested state police in riot gear marched into the area and declared an unlawful assembly, CNN reported.<br>Police were responding to "information that demonstrators were no longer peaceful and reports of damage to property," the Minnesota Department of Public Safety said on X. "Dispersal orders were given prior to arrests." At the time she was killed, Good was participating in one of numerous "neighborhood patrols" that track, monitor and record ICE activities, according to family and local activists.<br>Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and other Trump administration officials said Good was "impeding" and "stalking" ICE agents all day, and that the officer opened fire in self-defense when she tried to ram her car into him in an "act of domestic terrorism." ** Renee Hickman, Steve Gorman & Nathan Layne, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/fatal-ice-shooting-of-minneapolis-activist-sets-stage-for-national-protests/ar-AA1TWJeC?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696250ef11b64ca2991c35ae7ad81e96&ei=17/"Fatal ICE shooting of Minneapolis activist sets stage for national protests"], ''Reuters'', 10 January 2026 * Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey, a Democrat, pointed to bystander video he said directly contradicted the federal government's "garbage narrative." Civil liberties advocates said the video showed federal agents lacked any justification for using deadly force.<br>Amid the sharply differing accounts of the shooting, Minnesota and Hennepin County law enforcement authorities said on Friday they were opening their own criminal inquiry of the incident separate from a federal investigation led by the FBI. Some Trump administration officials, including Vice President JD Vance, asserted state prosecutors lack jurisdiction to charge a federal officer with a crime, though legal experts say federal immunity in such cases is not automatic.<br>The crisis atmosphere led Walz - a prominent Trump antagonist who branded Trump and his Republican allies as "weird" during his own run for vice president last year - to put the state's National Guard on alert.<br>Federal-state tensions escalated further on Thursday when a U.S. Border Patrol agent in Portland, Oregon, shot and wounded a man and woman in their car after an attempted vehicle stop. As in the Minneapolis incident, DHS said the driver had tried to "weaponize" his vehicle and run over agents. DHS on Friday identified the wounded driver and passenger as suspected gang associates from Venezuela who were in the U.S. illegally. The agency said the woman had been involved in a prior shootout in Portland but provided no evidence of its allegations against the pair. ** Renee Hickman, Steve Gorman & Nathan Layne, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/fatal-ice-shooting-of-minneapolis-activist-sets-stage-for-national-protests/ar-AA1TWJeC?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696250ef11b64ca2991c35ae7ad81e96&ei=17/"Fatal ICE shooting of Minneapolis activist sets stage for national protests"], ''Reuters'', 10 January 2026 * Portland Mayor Keith Wilson, echoing Frey, said he could not be sure the government's account was grounded in fact without an independent investigation. The deployment of agents to Minneapolis follows Trump's recent denunciations of Walz and his state's large population of Somali immigrants over allegations of fraud dating back to 2020 by some nonprofit groups administering childcare and other social-service programs. Good was shot dead just a few blocks from where George Floyd was killed by a Minneapolis police officer crushing his neck into the pavement with his knee during a videotaped arrest in May 2020. Floyd's death sparked months of nationwide racial-justice protests during Trump's first term in office.<br>Bystander video of the Minneapolis incident showed masked officers approaching Good's Honda SUV while it was stopped at a perpendicular angle to the street, partially blocking traffic. One agent is seen ordering her out of the car and grabbing onto the driver-side front door handle as the car pulls forward and steers away from the officers, one of whom jumps back and fires three shots into the front of the vehicle as it rolls past. ** Renee Hickman, Steve Gorman & Nathan Layne, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/fatal-ice-shooting-of-minneapolis-activist-sets-stage-for-national-protests/ar-AA1TWJeC?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696250ef11b64ca2991c35ae7ad81e96&ei=17/"Fatal ICE shooting of Minneapolis activist sets stage for national protests"], ''Reuters'', 10 January 2026 * Video filmed by the officer who opened fire, identified through official comment and public records as Jonathan Ross, shows Good appearing calm. She is heard telling him, "That's fine, dude, I'm not mad at you" - moments before he opens fire as she drives forward into the street, steering the car away from him. Noem has said he was treated at a local hospital for unspecified injuries and released. The car's front bumper appears in the bystander video to pass Ross before he shot at Good. It is unclear from any of the footage whether the vehicle made contact with him. In any case, Ross is shown remaining on his feet and can be seen walking after the incident, contradicting Trump's assertion on social media that the woman "ran over the ICE officer."<br>The two DHS-related shootings this week have drawn thousands of protesters to the streets of Minneapolis, Portland and other U.S. cities, with many more demonstrations under the banner "ICE Out For Good" planned for Saturday and Sunday.<br>The rallies were being organized by a coalition of groups including the American Civil Liberties Union, MoveOn Civic Action, Voto Latino, and Indivisible, some of which were at the forefront of "No Kings" protests against Trump last year. ** Renee Hickman, Steve Gorman & Nathan Layne, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/fatal-ice-shooting-of-minneapolis-activist-sets-stage-for-national-protests/ar-AA1TWJeC?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696250ef11b64ca2991c35ae7ad81e96&ei=17/"Fatal ICE shooting of Minneapolis activist sets stage for national protests"], ''Reuters'', 10 January 2026 * On an unseasonably warm Wednesday in Minneapolis, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent shot a woman in the face. The many eyes of our everyday panopticon recorded the event from multiple angles. Renee Nicole Good, a 37-year-old mom of three, had stopped her maroon SUV on a snowy street crawling with ICE officials. According to eyewitness reports, multiple men in masks shouted conflicting orders at her: At least one apparently demanded that she exit her vehicle and tried to open her door; another told her to drive away. Good seems to have moved slowly as she tried to maneuver around the agents surrounding her car. After appearing to first wave for someone to move, she reversed slightly and turned away from the agents to continue down the street. An ICE agent who appears to have been knocked back by her front bumper responded by shooting into her vehicle, and shot again as the SUV, suddenly without a conscious driver, [careened] into a parked car ahead.<br>Chaos erupted. A man announcing himself as a physician ran toward the scene to attempt to render first aid, but an ICE agent commanded him to step back. When emergency medical workers finally arrived on foot 15 minutes later, they clumsily pulled Good’s body from the driver’s seat, leaving behind a blood-soaked airbag. Onlookers immediately rose up in anger and outrage, screaming at the agents and shouting profanities. One man howled “Murderer! Murderer!” over and over again. Good’s partner, who was near the SUV, can be heard saying through sobs that Good was her wife, that their 6-year-old was at school, and that they were new in town, didn’t know anybody, had no one to call for help.<br>'''The alarm was warranted. Everyone on the scene had witnessed the crossing of a crucial line in Donald Trump’s mass-deportation project: ICE had just killed an American citizen on American soil.'''<br>'''The administration has since declared that the agent “is protected by absolute immunity,” whatever that means, a signal of unconditional support for an agency bloated with thousands of new, heavily armed, and minimally trained recruits, deployed around the country to help achieve Trump’s goal of deporting 1 million immigrants a year. Events such as Good’s death set the stage for yet more lethal confrontations, which the administration can be trusted to defend with the same specious pretext. What is now overt, in a way that it hadn’t been Wednesday morning, is that these agents are at war with the public, and have been for some time.''' ** Elizabeth Bruenig, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/this-will-happen-again/ar-AA1TWUxS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6962531da0a7499c8687f2c9df9f4110&ei=12?/"This will happen again"], ''The Atlantic'', 10 January 2026 * Good’s killing was the culmination of months of roiling tensions between the Department of Homeland Security and the communities it routinely invades to round up people for summary deportation. Having more than doubled ICE’s workforce in a matter of months, DHS has been fretting theatrically about how these agents are risking “their lives to remove the worst of the worst.” In retrospect, those concerns now seem like threats—a preemptive excuse for maximum violence.<br>The Trump administration instantly characterized Good’s killing as a matter of self-defense on the part of the ICE agent, whom The Minnesota Star Tribune has identified as Jonathan Ross, a 10-year agency veteran and member of its Special Response Team. Faced with footage of the incident Wednesday night, Trump offered the MAGA gloss on what took place: “She ran him over.” In fact, videos show that Ross remained upright.<br>In a press conference, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem claimed that Good had been killed because she had been “stalking and impeding” ICE agents all day, and that she had tried to “weaponize her vehicle” in an act of “domestic terrorism.” By Thursday, when White House Spokesperson Karoline Leavitt presented the administration’s official line, the story had grown more baroque. Leavitt maintained that Good was part of a “larger, sinister, left-wing movement that has spread across our country, where our brave men and women of federal law enforcement are under organized attack.” Thus Ross, as a target of a dangerous conspiracy, had merely been operating in self-defense. ** Elizabeth Bruenig, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/this-will-happen-again/ar-AA1TWUxS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6962531da0a7499c8687f2c9df9f4110&ei=12?/"This will happen again"], ''The Atlantic'', 10 January 2026 * In the administration’s closest brush with acknowledging wrongdoing, J. D. Vance mentioned to reporters Thursday that Ross had been involved in an incident with a vehicle several months ago, during which he was dragged for 100 yards and subsequently required numerous stitches: “So you think maybe he’s a little bit sensitive about somebody ramming him with an automobile?” These remarks could reasonably be taken to imply that Ross’s decision to shoot Good was an emotional overreaction based on past trauma, but then Vance pivoted: Ross “deserves a debt of gratitude.” In other words, even if Ross did act in error, Good’s death still bears the administration’s stamp of approval. ** Elizabeth Bruenig, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/this-will-happen-again/ar-AA1TWUxS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6962531da0a7499c8687f2c9df9f4110&ei=12?/"This will happen again"], ''The Atlantic'', 10 January 2026 * '''Protesters in Minneapolis have since flooded the streets in the thousands, and ICE agents have responded by apprehending some, shoving others to the ground, and spraying chemical irritants in their faces. These incidents have ignited mass demonstrations nationwide, in which protesters have wailed “Shame” and “Murder,” banged drums, screeched from metal whistles, and hoisted signs declaring what is no longer deniable: ICE kills.'''<br>''''It therefore felt grimly inevitable when the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday night confirming that Border Patrol officers shot at two people in a targeted traffic stop in Portland, Oregon. “When agents identified themselves to the vehicle occupants,” the post on X read, “the driver weaponized his vehicle and attempted to run over the law enforcement agents.” There is nothing to stop the echoes of this rationale, and we should expect to hear it again and again. There may come a time when the administration dispenses with offering an explanation at all.''' ** Elizabeth Bruenig, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/this-will-happen-again/ar-AA1TWUxS?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6962531da0a7499c8687f2c9df9f4110&ei=12?/"This will happen again"], ''The Atlantic'', 10 January 2026 * President Donald Trump continued his threats towards Greenland on Friday, as he insisted that if the United States did not act Russia or China could occupy it in the future. Trump said that if he is unable to make a deal to acquire the territory “the easy way,” then he will have to “do it the hard way.” “We are going to do something in Greenland, whether they like it or not, because if we don’t do it, Russia or China will take over Greenland, and we’re not going to have Russia or China as a neighbor,” Trump told reporters at the White House. Greenland’s party leaders, including the opposition, issued a joint statement saying: “We do not want to be Americans, we do not want to be Danes, we want to be Greenlanders. The future of Greenland must be decided by the Greenlandic people.”<br>The US president and his White House officials have been discussing a range of options on how to bring Greenland under US control amid renewed interest in the strategically significant Danish-controlled territory, and has not ruling out a military intervention. The governments of Greenland and Denmark continue to publicly and privately insist it is not for sale. It remains unclear how other NATO members would respond if the US decided to take Greenland by force. European leaders have warned that such a move would have serious consequences for the military alliance. In a joint statement the leaders of France, Germany, the UK, Italy, Poland and Spain said Greenland belongs to its own people. ** Sophie Tanno & Samantha Waldenberg, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/us-will-take-greenland-the-hard-way-if-it-can-t-do-it-the-easy-way-trump-says/ar-AA1TWGOT?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69625c4896054da3ba7ee0f19ca4ee4c&ei=39/"US will take Greenland the 'hard way' if it can't do it the 'easy way,' Trump says"], CNN, 10 January 2026 * “I would like to make a deal the easy way but if we don’t do it the easy way, we’re going to do it the hard way. And by the way, I’m a fan of Denmark too. I have to tell you, they have been very nice to me. I’m a big fan,” Trump said. He claimed that the move was necessary to prevent Russia or China from taking Greenland at some point in the future. Asked about a recent report that the US was weighing making payments to Greenlanders to convince them to join the US, Trump said, “I’m not talking about money for Greenland yet.”<br>Many Greenlanders have already rejected the idea of accepting money to become part of the US. “No thank you. It’s absolutely certain that we don’t want that,” one resident of the capital city of Nuuk, Simon Kjeldskov, told Reuters. Another resident, Juno Michaelsen, said: “Any number in the world and we will say no. It belongs to us and only us.”<br>The top Washington-based diplomats for Greenland and Denmark met with White House officials on Thursday. Denmark’s Ambassador Jesper Møller Sørensen and Greenland’s head of representation to the US Jacob Isbosethsen met with Trump advisers, diplomats familiar with the matter told CNN. Greenland’s Prime Minister Jens-Frederik Nielsen alongside four other party leaders once again rejected Trump’s calls to acquire the semi-autonomous territory in a statement release Friday night and seen by Reuters. The leaders said a planned meeting of Greenland’s parliament, the Inatsisartut, to discuss its response to the Trump administration’s threats would be brought forward. The date of the meeting has not yet been determined. Greenland’s parliament last met in November and had been scheduled to meet again on February 3. ** Sophie Tanno & Samantha Waldenberg, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/us-will-take-greenland-the-hard-way-if-it-can-t-do-it-the-easy-way-trump-says/ar-AA1TWGOT?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69625c4896054da3ba7ee0f19ca4ee4c&ei=39/"US will take Greenland the 'hard way' if it can't do it the 'easy way,' Trump says"], CNN, 10 January 2026 * Several thousand protesters gathered at a park coated with fresh snow on Minneapolis’s south side Saturday afternoon, near where Renée Good lived and was fatally shot. “Say her name: Renée Good!” they chanted, along with “We will not put up with ICE!” There were mothers with children and babies in carriers, families and seniors holding homemade signs that read “ICE murdered Renée Good,” and “Indict agent Jonathan Ross,” the man identified through court records as the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer who killed Good. Protesters turned out in cities across the country, including Boston, New York City, Austin and Philadelphia, many organized by progressive group Indivisible and titled “ICE Out For Good.”<br>In Minneapolis, the demonstrations in recent days “have remained peaceful until last night,” Police Chief Brian O’Hara said during a news conference Saturday. O’Hara said one Friday night protest outside a hotel believed to be housing ICE agents grew tense when some individuals caused property damage and, over the course of the night, threw ice, snow and rocks at officers.<br>Police arrested 29 people and at least one officer sustained injuries after being hit by a chunk of ice, O’Hara said. Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey urged demonstrators to remain peaceful and to not “take the bait” into violent escalation. “We are meeting a whole lot of despair with a lot of hope,” Frey said Saturday. “We are doing right. We are being strategic. And yes, for those that aren’t being strategic... there are consequences.” ** Molly Hennessy-Fiske, Angie Orellana Hernandez & Will Oremus, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/thousands-protest-ice-presence-in-minneapolis-and-cities-nationwide/ar-AA1TXW6R?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6963661c28904bd98d50319d0aeeb238&ei=16/"Thousands protest ICE presence in Minneapolis and cities nationwide"], ''The Washington Post'', 10 January 2026 * The state has also been grappling with how to respond after the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension said the FBI was revoking its access to the case file, scene evidence and witness interviews in Good’s shooting. Trump administration officials have called the incident a federal matter, but state prosecutors say it falls in their jurisdiction and announced Friday they will conduct their own review of the shooting in an effort to gather evidence the FBI won’t share with them. Video of the hotly contested shooting has gradually emerged, including cellphone footage recorded by the ICE officer as he fatally shot Good.<br>The 47-second recording shows for the first time that Renée Good spoke to Ross before he shot her, and reveals that, a split second before the gunfire, Good’s wife urged her to drive away from the scene. It does not show whether Good’s SUV came into contact with Ross, as the administration contends. Vice President JD Vance said Friday that the video exonerated Ross. “The reality is that his life was endangered and he fired in self defense,” Vance wrote on X.<br>Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison said Friday that it’s too early for anyone to reach a conclusion about the shooting “in good faith” because there’s too much evidence still to be evaluated. How the investigation plays out was on protesters’ minds Saturday. “War is being waged on our community. I’m here because sometimes it feels like there’s not a lot you can do,” said Nora Sonneborn, 28, who lives nearby, works in administration and held a hand-painted sign that said, “Melt the ICE.” She called the FBI’s move to exclude state authorities from the shooting investigation “ridiculous.” “A crime was committed in our home and we have every right to investigate,” she said. ** Molly Hennessy-Fiske, Angie Orellana Hernandez & Will Oremus, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/thousands-protest-ice-presence-in-minneapolis-and-cities-nationwide/ar-AA1TXW6R?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6963661c28904bd98d50319d0aeeb238&ei=16/"Thousands protest ICE presence in Minneapolis and cities nationwide"], ''The Washington Post'', 10 January 2026 * Saturday morning, about five miles from the protests, there was a brief standoff between U.S. lawmakers and armed federal officers outside a Minneapolis-area federal building. In social media posts and media interviews afterward, three Democratic congresswomen from Minnesota said they had sought to oversee the conditions at a regional ICE field office, but were allowed in only briefly before officials ordered them to leave.<br>Videos posted by journalists on the scene showed Reps. Ilhan Omar, Angie Craig and Kelly Morrison standing outside the facility’s gate as a line of federal agents dressed in tactical gear and camouflage initially barred them from entering. A female voice could be heard saying, “I’m a sitting member of the United States Congress,” and asking, “Have you contacted your supervisor?”<br>“It is deeply disturbing to think what ICE is hiding when they are actively denying members from conducting their oversight authority,” Omar said in a statement Saturday. “When people disappear in the darkness, American democracy dies.”<br>Last month, a federal judge temporarily blocked new Trump administration policies restricting members of Congress from making unannounced oversight visits to ICE facilities funded via congressional appropriations bills. In a statement Saturday afternoon, however, Department of Homeland Security spokeswoman Tricia McLaughlin said the ruling did not apply because the court exempted ICE operations funded by last year’s One Big Beautiful Bill Act. She said that Homeland Security Secretary Kristi L. Noem issued fresh orders Jan. 8 reiterating that congressmembers must give seven days’ notice before visiting ICE detention facilities. “Because they were out of compliance with this mandate, Representative Omar and her colleagues were denied entry to the facility,” McLaughlin said. ** Molly Hennessy-Fiske, Angie Orellana Hernandez & Will Oremus, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/thousands-protest-ice-presence-in-minneapolis-and-cities-nationwide/ar-AA1TXW6R?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6963661c28904bd98d50319d0aeeb238&ei=16/"Thousands protest ICE presence in Minneapolis and cities nationwide"], ''The Washington Post'', 10 January 2026 * Roberta Sloan, 66, a retired nurse who drove from Rochester, Minnesota, to join the protest in the park on Minneapolis’s south side, said she was frustrated that Omar’s effort to enter the ICE facility was challenged, but glad the congresswomen tried. “They have every right to be there to see these detention places and how people are being treated,” she said. Sloan was also pleased with how Gov. Tim Walz and Minneapolis’s mayor have spoken out against the ICE operation and shooting. “They are standing up for what Minnesota stands for,” she said, and that’s why she felt compelled to protest: “To stand up for those who don’t have a voice.”<br>Standing on a nearby snow covered sidewalk, amid a shoulder-to-shoulder crowd, health care worker Peter Prou, 33, of St. Paul, said he was outraged by the shooting and came to fight for justice. “They’re taking away all our rights and freedoms. They know it’s murder and they’re trying to cover it up,” he said of ICE, but added, “There’s strength in numbers. There’s more of us than them.” ** Molly Hennessy-Fiske, Angie Orellana Hernandez & Will Oremus, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/thousands-protest-ice-presence-in-minneapolis-and-cities-nationwide/ar-AA1TXW6R?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6963661c28904bd98d50319d0aeeb238&ei=16/"Thousands protest ICE presence in Minneapolis and cities nationwide"], ''The Washington Post'', 10 January 2026 * Our country hasn’t been perfect, but it has been self-correcting. It took time for us to acknowledge the unalienable rights of all races and sexes. We have stumbled, fought each other, and sometimes misused our military muscle. But, when we resorted to violence, it was usually to defend liberty at home and abroad. Now, we have stumbled again, installing leaders who don’t believe in the founding idea. Freedom threatens them, so they rule by fear. So far, neither our institutions nor our people have mobilized to correct this mistake. President Trump and his people are so emboldened that they don’t even bother to hide their ill intentions. They know that if they commit crimes on his behalf, he will pardon them. ** William S. Becker, [https://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/5682167-trump-abuses-power-freedom/"America was supposed to be different —now Trump rules it with fear "], ''The Hill'', 12 January 2026 * Trump attacks freedom of the press. Over the last year, his administration took more than $1 billion away from public broadcasting; launched investigations into NPR, PBS, ABC, NBC and CBS; and forced media organizations to pay $32 million to settle his lawsuits against them. He has taken 76 federal actions to restrict, punish and revoke journalists’ credentials. But Trump’s biggest use of federal force to intimidate and terrorize civil society is his deployment of immigration agents and military troops in U.S. cities run by Democrats. Federal agencies have deported more than 605,000 people over the last year. Trump promised to focus on immigrants convicted of crimes, but his agents have arrested productive and longstanding American residents. As of Nov. 30, nearly 74 percent of the detainees had no criminal convictions. During 2025, 32 people, including children, died while in the custody of Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Many have been “disappeared” to other countries, some to prisons, and denied their constitutional rights to due process. During 2025, the administration stripped legal status from 1.6 million immigrants. Nearly 2 million immigrants “self-deported.” ** William S. Becker, [https://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/5682167-trump-abuses-power-freedom/"America was supposed to be different —now Trump rules it with fear "], ''The Hill'', 12 January 2026 * '''The U.S. is supposed to be different, but Trump sees the world as an extension of himself — a place where bullies gain wealth and power by mistreating others and controlling them with fear'''. ** William S. Becker, [https://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/5682167-trump-abuses-power-freedom/"America was supposed to be different —now Trump rules it with fear "], ''The Hill'', 12 January 2026 * Last week, Americans watched on television as an armed immigration officer shot and killed a frightened mother of three, an American citizen, in Minneapolis. Without the benefit of an investigation, Trump, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and other federal officials quickly went public to describe the woman as a rioter and “terrorist” who “weaponized her vehicle” against the officer, forcing him to defend himself.<br>The American people have also watched the U.S. military kill foreign nationals by simply blowing up 35 boats in the Caribbean, killing at least 115 passengers. The Trump administration claimed the boats were smuggling drugs into America but provided no evidence.<br>Then came the invasion of Venezuela to arrest its leader and bring him to the U.S. for trial. Trump openly admits he wants to seize the country’s oil reserves, the largest (and some of the dirtiest) in the world. In the style of Russia’s Vladimir Putin, he wants to turn America’s oil billionaires into oligarchs. Time will tell how the entrenched interests in Venezuela react, and whether the invasion escalates into America’s latest oil war. ** William S. Becker, [https://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/5682167-trump-abuses-power-freedom/"America was supposed to be different —now Trump rules it with fear "], ''The Hill'', 12 January 2026 * The big, macho men from ICE who are storming around American cities like Visigoths are a bunch of cowards.<br>They arm themselves as if they are battling ISIS terrorists in Iraq while the only threat they face is common American citizens with whistles and protest signs. They break into private homes without warrants, they gas school kids, they tackle women on the street, they smash into the cars of American citizens. And one of them summarily executed a mother of three children because -- well, because he could.<br>They think they are tough, but they are punks hiding behind masks. They are poorly-trained thugs dressed up like real soldiers who think they are living out a video game where they get points for assaulting anyone who gets in their way. They are the farthest thing from the real cops who police communities with restraint, discipline and a knowledge of the law.These mercenaries do not serve the country, they serve a regime that excuses their unjustified violence and lies about their lawless actions. President Donald Trump falsely alleges that Renee Good, the mother of three gunned down in Minneapolis by an ICE agent, was a “professional agitator” who showed “disrespect” for law enforcement. His toady press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, who will say any despicable thing to please her boss, accused Good of being “a lunatic.” The Homeland Security boss, Kristi Noem, branded Good a “domestic terrorist.”<br>There is zero evidence of any of the Trump administration’s slander. Renee Good was, indeed, out on the street to monitor the actions of ICE, but, as anyone can see in the video taken seconds before she was murdered, she was smiling at the ICE agents and telling them she was not mad at them. Good was, in fact, doing what she had been ordered to do, moving her vehicle out of the way.<br>Trump and his team are even bigger cowards than the cosplay cops they have sent to terrorize immigrants and punish Democratic cities. It takes leaders with maturity and guts to admit fault and accept accountability. The cruel clowns in the White House will never be brave enough to do that. ** David Horsey, [https://horseytoons.substack.com/p/trump-and-his-cosplay-cops-are-cowards/"Trump and his cosplay cops are cowards"], David Horsey's substack, 13 January 2026 * Lawmakers from both parties and houses of Congress have agreed to provide about $653 million to fund Voice of America’s parent agency, rejecting President Donald Trump’s demand to defund the international broadcaster and shut it down. A bipartisan spending bill released Sunday would allocate $643 million for broadcasting from the U.S. Agency for Global Media, which oversees VOA, plus nearly $10 million for capital improvements. That figure is down from the $867 million appropriated for the agency each of the past two years, but it’s more than four times the $153 million Trump requested that Congress provide to “support the orderly shutdown of USAGM operations.” The outlay is included in a broader bipartisan spending deal negotiated by House and Senate appropriators. The package still requires House and Senate approval before heading to Trump’s desk.<br>“We understand the realities of the appropriations process, but I am disappointed that Congress is proposing half a billion dollars more in funding than we requested,” Kari Lake, the deputy CEO installed by Trump to shut down the agency, wrote in a statement Monday. “While reductions from prior years are a step in the right direction, USAGM can still advance President Trump’s message and share America’s story globally without wasting so much taxpayer money.” ** Scott Nover, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/congress-agrees-to-fund-voice-of-america-bucking-trump-shutdown-order/ar-AA1U7exQ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967438758b641c59ca45addfe0ffc6f&ei=10/"Congress agrees to fund Voice of America, bucking Trump shutdown order"], ''The Washington Post'', 13 January 2026 * The bipartisan commitment to funding USAGM reflects continued congressional support for America’s role in promoting the free flow of news and information abroad, a long-standing foundation of its soft power around the world. Congress’s funding proposal comes after a dire year for USAGM. Trump signed an executive order in March calling for the dismantlement of the government agency, which oversees Voice of America and funds nonprofit groups including Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty and Radio Free Asia. To carry out the order, Lake placed more than 1,300 Voice of America staffers on paid administrative leave — many of whom are still not working — and halted broadcasting operations the same month. It was the first time VOA went dark since it was first set up in 1942 to combat Nazi propaganda. In response, VOA’s director, Michael Abramowitz, and a separate group of USAGM staffers sued the Trump administration, arguing that its actions were illegal.<br>Lake, a former Arizona television anchor who lost high-profile races for governor and U.S. Senate in recent years, has defended the cuts and called for the agency’s eventual elimination. She told Congress in a June hearing that USAGM was “incompetent, corrupt, biased, and a threat to America’s national security and standing in the world.” She has also said USAGM is “not salvageable.”<br>The White House did not respond to a request for comment. ** Scott Nover, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/congress-agrees-to-fund-voice-of-america-bucking-trump-shutdown-order/ar-AA1U7exQ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967438758b641c59ca45addfe0ffc6f&ei=10/"Congress agrees to fund Voice of America, bucking Trump shutdown order"], ''The Washington Post'', 13 January 2026 * The new bill allocates $199.5 million of the total appropriation to VOA and $138 million for USAGM’s operations. Additionally, nonprofit grantees will also be funded through this bill to the tune of $112.5 million for Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty, $69 million for Middle East Broadcasting Networks, $53.5 million for Radio Free Asia and $40.5 million for the Open Technology Fund. The Trump administration pushed to defund the nonprofit media outlets, but Lamberth has largely restored their funding in court after they all sued. Radio Free Asia previously said it was pausing operations but in recent months has resumed some publishing activities. “With new funding, if enacted, RFA anticipates ramping up additional news operations that have been paused in the Asia-Pacific region,” RFA spokesman Rohit Mahajan said in a statement. Sen. [[Brian Schatz]] (Hawaii), the top Democrat on the state and foreign operations subcommittee, applauded the bipartisan negotiation that led to the bill but expressed worry that it still represented a cut to government broadcasters. “While the bill ensures continued funding for our international broadcasting grantees,” he wrote in a statement, “it forces cuts at a time when they are trying to provide critical services in Ukraine, the Middle East, and across the Indo-Pacific.”<br>Schatz and his House counterpart, Rep. Lois Frankel (D-Florida), previously criticized the Trump administration’s “illegal gutting” of the agency. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) and Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-Florida), the Senate and House appropriations subcommittee chairs, did not respond to requests for comment. ** Scott Nover, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/congress-agrees-to-fund-voice-of-america-bucking-trump-shutdown-order/ar-AA1U7exQ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967438758b641c59ca45addfe0ffc6f&ei=10/"Congress agrees to fund Voice of America, bucking Trump shutdown order"], ''The Washington Post'', 13 January 2026 * The U.S. experienced negative net migration in 2025 for the first time in at least half a century as a result of the Trump administration's immigration crackdown, according to a report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution. Although the administration has undertaken aggressive removal efforts, the negative number is mostly due to a significant drop in entries into the U.S., the report said. "We estimate net flows of -295,000 to -10,000 for the year," the Brookings study stated. "Though a high degree of policy uncertainty remains, continued negative net migration for 2026 is also likely." The report attributed the shift to combination of the large drop in entries and an increase in enforcement activity leading to removals and voluntary departures. The Trump administration's suspension of many humanitarian programs -- including most refugee programs with the exception of those involving white South Africans -- and a decline in temporary visas also contributed to the negative net migration, the report said.<br>The report's authors estimate there were between 310,000 and 315,000 removals in 2025, a figure lower than what the administration has claimed. Department of Homeland Security officials claim that, so far, more than 600,000 people have been removed during the crackdown. "At 310,000 to 315,000, the 2025 removals are not much higher than the 2024 removals of around 285,000," the report states. ** Laura Romero, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/us-for-1st-time-in-50-years-experienced-negative-net-migration-in-2025-report/ar-AA1U9D98?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967494810e94f57852b9e1e680b4105&ei=21/"US, for 1st time in 50 years, experienced negative net migration in 2025: Report"], ABC News, 13 January 2026 * Unlike in 2024, most removals in 2025 were initiated by U.S. Customs and Border Protection from the country's interior, the report said, as opposed to being initiated by Immigration and Customs Enforcement -- despite the actions of some ICE officers dominating many news headlines. A spokesperson with the Department of Homeland Security, which oversees CPB and ICE, did not immediately respond to a request for comment from ABC News. The report's authors also predicted removals will increase in 2026 with funding from President Donald Trump's One Big Beautiful Bill Act, which the report said will "likely allow for increased infrastructure and staffing to achieve a higher level of enforcement."<br>According to the report, authorities also predict the net migration loss will see certain sectors of the economy experience "unexpectedly weak economic activity," specifically businesses that serve affected immigrant populations. "The slowdown implies weaker employment, GDP, and consumer spending growth," the report states, adding that consumer spending is expected to fall by between $60 billion and $110 billion over 2025 and 2026. ** Laura Romero, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/us-for-1st-time-in-50-years-experienced-negative-net-migration-in-2025-report/ar-AA1U9D98?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967494810e94f57852b9e1e680b4105&ei=21/"US, for 1st time in 50 years, experienced negative net migration in 2025: Report"], ABC News, 13 January 2026 * Several faculty groups have denounced the Trump administration’s efforts to obtain information about Jewish professors, staff and students at the [[University of Pennsylvania]] – including personal emails, phone numbers and home addresses – as government abuse with “ominous historical overtones”.<br>The US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is demanding the university turn over names and personal information about Jewish members of the Penn community as part of the administration’s stated goal to combat antisemitism on campuses. But some Jewish faculty and staff have condemned the government’s demand as “a visceral threat to the safety of those who would find themselves identified because compiling and turning over to the government ‘lists of Jews’ conjures a terrifying history”, according to a press release put out by the groups’ lawyers.<br>The EEOC sued Penn in November over the university’s refusal to fully comply with its demands. On Tuesday, the American Association of University Professors’ national and Penn chapters, the university’s Jewish Law Students Association and its Association of Senior and Emeritus Faculty, and the American Academy of Jewish Research filed a motion in federal court to intervene in the case.<br>“These requests would require Penn to create and turn over a centralized registry of Jewish students, faculty, and staff – a profoundly invasive and dangerous demand that intrudes deeply into the freedoms of association, religion, speech, and privacy enshrined in the First Amendment,” the groups argued. “We are entering territory that should shock every single one of us,” said Norm Eisen, co-founder and executive chair of the Democracy Defenders Fund on a press call. The fund is representing the faculty groups along with the American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania and the firm Hangley Aronchick Segal Pudlin and Schiller. “That kind of information – however purportedly benign the excuses given for it – can be put to the most dangerous misuse. This is an abuse of government power that drags us back to some of the darkest chapters in our history.”<br>The EEOC did not immediately respond to a request for comment. ** Alice Speri, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/upenn-faculty-condemn-trump-administration-s-demand-for-lists-of-jews/ar-AA1U9l5D?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967494810e94f57852b9e1e680b4105&ei=17/"UPENN faculty condemn Trump administration’s demand for ‘lists of Jews’"], ''The Guardian'', 13 January 2026 * The University of Pennsylvania was among dozens of US universities to come under federal investigation over alleged antisemitism in the aftermath of the 7 October 2023 Hamas attacks and Israel’s subsequent war in Gaza. In response, the university established a taskforce to study antisemitism, implemented a series of measures and shared hundreds of pages of documents to comply with government demands.<br>But the university refused to comply with the EEOC’s July subpoena for personal information of Jewish faculty, students and staff, or those affiliated with Jewish organizations who had not given their consent, as well as the names of individuals who had participated in confidential listening sessions or received a survey by the university’s antisemitism taskforce. A university spokesperson said in November that “violating their privacy and trust is antithetical to ensuring Penn’s Jewish community feels protected and safe”. Instead, the university offered to inform all its employees of the EEOC investigation, inviting those interested to contact the agency directly.<br>But that was not enough for the commission, which brought the university to court to seek to enforce the subpoena.<br>“The EEOC remains steadfast in its commitment to combatting workplace antisemitism and seeks to identify employees who may have experienced antisemitic harassment. Unfortunately, the employer continues to refuse to identify members of its workforce who may have been subjected to this unlawful conduct,” the EEOC chair, Andrea Lucas, said in a statement at the time. “An employer’s obstruction of efforts to identify witnesses and victims undermines the EEOC’s ability to investigate harassment.” ** Alice Speri, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/upenn-faculty-condemn-trump-administration-s-demand-for-lists-of-jews/ar-AA1U9l5D?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967494810e94f57852b9e1e680b4105&ei=17/"UPENN faculty condemn Trump administration’s demand for ‘lists of Jews’"], ''The Guardian'', 13 January 2026 * The EEOC request prompted widespread alarm and condemnation among Jewish faculty, and earned rebukes from the university’s Hillel and other Jewish groups. Steven Weitzman, a professor with Penn’s religious studies department who also served on the university’s antisemitism taskforce, said that the mere request for such lists “instills a sense of vulnerability among Jews” and that the government cannot guarantee that the information it collects won’t fall “into the wrong hands or have unintended consequences”. “Part of what sets off alarm bells for people like me is a history of people using Jewish lists against Jews,” he said . “The Nazi campaign against Jews depended on institutions like universities handing over information about their Jewish members to the authorities.” “As Jewish study scholars, we know well the dangers of collecting such information,” said Beth Wenger, who teaches Jewish history at Penn. It’s not the first time the EEOC’s efforts to fight antisemitism have caused alarm among Jewish faculty. Last spring, the commission texted the personal phones of employees of Barnard College, the women’s school affiliated with Columbia University, linking to a survey that asked respondents whether they identified as Jewish or Israeli. ** Alice Speri, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/upenn-faculty-condemn-trump-administration-s-demand-for-lists-of-jews/ar-AA1U9l5D?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6967494810e94f57852b9e1e680b4105&ei=17/"UPENN faculty condemn Trump administration’s demand for ‘lists of Jews’"], ''The Guardian'', 13 January 2026 *Iranian Patriots, KEEP PROTESTING - TAKE OVER YOUR INSTITUTIONS!!!... HELP IS ON ITS WAY. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] on Truth Social; [https://www.reuters.com/world/china/iranian-mp-warns-greater-unrest-urging-government-address-grievances-2026-01-13/ Trump urges Iranians to keep protesting, saying 'help is on its way'] ''Reuters'' 13 January 2026 * The Trump administration still hasn't released all of the Epstein files as required by law, and is instead exploring more kinetic ways to distract public attention from this uncomfortable fact, sources confirmed today. “And we all know the best way to divert attention from domestic problems is to bomb people with funny-sounding names overseas,” said a senior White House official. “So we’ve put together a target list of countries with weak militaries, weird names — or both — that we can hit with our few remaining Tomahawks to make sure the Big Man’s name doesn’t pop up in compromising positions in the Epstein documents.”<br>''Duffel Blog'' obtained the target list for Operation PEDO PALADIN, a contingency plan officials say has been sitting in a desk drawer labeled ‘Break Glass If Accountability Appears.’ According to sources, the president doesn’t particularly care which country gets hit first, largely because he can’t find any of them on a map anyway. ** ''Duffel Blog'', [https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/"Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files"], 14 January 2026 * '''Sure, technically it belongs to Denmark. But aside from the dozens of Danish soldiers who died alongside U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, what have the Danes really done for us lately?'''<br>Stephen Miller (from that special category of American military-age males who nevertheless somehow Perpetually Evaded the GWOT, or PEG), Marco Rubio (PEG), Don Jr. (PEG), and Eric Trump (also PEG) all agree Greenland is critical to U.S. national security, and if you have to die for it, that’s a sacrifice they are fully prepared to let you make. Be advised: Greenland, as part of Denmark, has access to the most formidable fixed and scatterable obstacles known to humankind — which, according to a redacted memo from Epstein to Trump, also double as excellent field-expedient butt plugs. ** ''Duffel Blog'', [https://www.duffelblog.com/top-10-countries-trump-will-send-you-to-attack-rather-than-release-the-epstein-files/"Top 10 countries Trump will send you to attack rather than release the Epstein files"], 14 January 2026 * Experts sounded a dire alarm after the Trump administration pulled the plug on nearly $2 billion in substance abuse and mental health funding, leaving thousands of providers scrambling and patients in a lurch. Up to 2,800 grantees through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration received termination letters immediately — wiping out about 26% of the agency's entire budget with zero warning, The Guardian reported Wednesday. “It feels like Armageddon for everyone who’s on the frontlines of the addiction and mental health space,” Ryan Hampton, founder of Mobilize Recovery, a national advocacy organization for people in and seeking recovery, told the outlet. “The scope of care that’s disrupted by these grants is catastrophic. Tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of people will die.” ** Daniel Hampton, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/experts-warn-trump-just-sentenced-thousands-to-death-with-2b-cut/ar-AA1UeoyZ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696895f1a2c442409efcf6f48ecb963e&ei=15/"Experts warn Trump just sentenced thousands to death with $2B cut"], ''Raw Story'', 14 January 2026 * Providers awoke to devastation that they'd be forced to conduct staff layoffs, program shutdowns, and that services would be halted immediately. The cuts axe overdose prevention, naloxone distribution, school mental health support, and help for pregnant women struggling with substance abuse. “Overnight, our entire backbone and infrastructure of addiction and mental health in this country flipped up on its head,” Hampton said. “These grants are lifesaving tools that honestly are a good reason why we have started to see a reversal in trends of drug overdoses in this country.” The move comes as overdose deaths finally dropped 27% in 2024 after two decades of climbing rates. "All of us are in a state of complete and utter shock that the administration would take such a reckless action," Hampton said. Legal challenges loom, but Hampton warned the damage is happening now. "People will die. People will die." ** Daniel Hampton, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/experts-warn-trump-just-sentenced-thousands-to-death-with-2b-cut/ar-AA1UeoyZ?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=696895f1a2c442409efcf6f48ecb963e&ei=15/"Experts warn Trump just sentenced thousands to death with $2B cut"], ''Raw Story'', 14 January 2026 * The Environmental Protection Agency is taking a major step toward changing its math to favor polluters over people: It’s going to stop tallying up the dollar value of lives saved and hospital visits avoided by air pollution regulations. Instead, the agency will consider the effects of regulations without attaching a price tag to human life. In particular, the EPA is changing how it conducts the cost-benefit analysis of regulations for two major pollutants, fine particulate matter smaller than 2.5 microns — usually referred to as PM2.5 — and ozone. The change was buried in a document published this month analyzing the economic impacts of final pollution regulations for power plants, arguing that the way the EPA historically calculated the economic benefits of regulations had too much uncertainty and gave people “a false sense of precision.” So to fix this, the EPA will stop tabulating the benefits altogether “until the Agency is confident enough in the modeling to properly monetize those impacts.” The news was first reported by the New York Times. On X, EPA administrator Lee Zeldin pushed back on the reporting, calling it “another dishonest, fake news claim” and that the agency is still considering lives saved when setting pollution limits. ** Umair Irfan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/trump-s-epa-is-setting-the-value-of-human-health-to-0/ar-AA1UcWiK?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968c4deab0b425b93dfafe8d228d2c2&ei=10/"Trump’s EPA is setting the value of human health to $0"], ''Vox'', 14 January 2026 * I spoke with several experts, including former EPA officials, and in fact, the change could lead to worsening air quality and harm public health. The EPA exists to regulate pollution that harms people, and when it comes to things like ozone and tiny particles, there is robust evidence of the damage they can do, contributing to heart attacks and asthma attacks. Measured over populations, air pollution takes years off of people’s lives. Every year in the United States alone, air pollution pushes 135,000 people into early graves. “There is a lot of science that shows very clearly that being exposed to increasing levels of PM2.5 has significant health impacts,” said Janet McCabe, who served as the EPA’s deputy administrator under President Joe Biden. ** Umair Irfan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/trump-s-epa-is-setting-the-value-of-human-health-to-0/ar-AA1UcWiK?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968c4deab0b425b93dfafe8d228d2c2&ei=10/"Trump’s EPA is setting the value of human health to $0"], ''Vox'', 14 January 2026 * Anytime the EPA wants to issue a new regulation — say, revising how much mercury a power plant is allowed to emit — it looks at both the costs and the benefits before finalizing the rule. The EPA adds up how much companies would likely have to spend on things like installing upgraded scrubbers in smokestacks. Then the agency estimates the economic benefit of imposing the regulation, such as more days with cleaner air or fewer workers calling out sick. The biggest benefits usually come from improving health through things like avoiding hospital visits and reducing early deaths. There is some fuzziness in the numbers on both sides of the ledger though. If a bunch of companies turn to a handful of suppliers for pollution control equipment, that could drive up compliance costs. And how exactly do you price a hypothetical emergency room trip that didn’t happen? “In my experience at EPA, there’s never a perfect estimate of costs or benefits,” McCabe said. Yet even with imperfect calculations, regulators could get a decent sense of whether the juice was worth the squeeze when it comes to a new pollution standard, and the public would get a window into how the decision was made.<br>Under the Biden administration, the EPA found that enforcing the more stringent PM2.5 regulations it issued in 2024 would add up to $46 billion in health benefits by 2032, vastly more than the cost of complying with the rule. The EPA now effectively wants to put receipts from the benefits side of the ledger through the shredder. ** Umair Irfan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/trump-s-epa-is-setting-the-value-of-human-health-to-0/ar-AA1UcWiK?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968c4deab0b425b93dfafe8d228d2c2&ei=10/"Trump’s EPA is setting the value of human health to $0"], ''Vox'', 14 January 2026 * This change in math is part of a broader pattern at the EPA — and across the federal government — of just measuring and counting fewer things under the second Trump Administration. The EPA has already closed its Office of Research and Development, which was meant to provide the scientific basis for environmental regulations, like tracking the effects of toxic chemicals on the human body. With less data on science and economics, agencies like the EPA have less accountability for their actions as they face more pressure from the White House to cut regulations and craft policies benefiting politically favored industries. It also sets the stage for taking the teeth out of other regulations, like the Clean Air Act. The EPA has already dismantled its legal foundation for addressing climate change.<br>Joseph Goffman, who served as assistant administrator of the EPA’s air and radiation office under Biden, said this change in how the EPA calculates health benefits is part of a broader campaign against air pollution regulations. “It really illustrates what the ulterior motive is and that is to mute or mask the true impact of [particulate matter] exposure and the huge benefits that flow from reducing it,” Goffman said. “Suddenly deciding that you can’t ascribe a dollar value to reducing PM really is convenient to the point of being instrumental to Zeldin’s efforts to weaken PM standards.”<br>If the EPA never comes up with a new way to monetize the health benefits of regulations, it’s likely that improvements in air quality will stall, and air pollution could get worse. “One would anticipate that we could see PM 2.5 levels rising across the country,” Hasenkopf said. ** Umair Irfan, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/trump-s-epa-is-setting-the-value-of-human-health-to-0/ar-AA1UcWiK?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968c4deab0b425b93dfafe8d228d2c2&ei=10/"Trump’s EPA is setting the value of human health to $0"], ''Vox'', 14 January 2026 * Jacqueline Smith, the outlet's ombudsman, said Stars and Stripes reports on matters important to service members and their families — not just weapons systems or war strategy — and she's detected nothing “woke” about its reporting. “I think it's very important that Stars and Stripes maintains its editorial independence, which is the basis of its credibility,” Smith said. A longtime newspaper editor in Connecticut, Smith's role was created by Congress three decades ago and she reports to the House Armed Services Committee. It's the latest move by the Trump administration to impose restrictions on journalists. Most reporters from legacy news outlets have left the Pentagon rather than to agree to new rules imposed by Hegseth that they feel would give him too much control over what they report and write. ''The New York Times'' has sued to overturn the regulations. ** David Bauder, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/defense-department-says-military-newspaper-stars-and-stripes-must-eliminate-woke-distractions/ar-AA1UiEZG?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69696be6758e4eb0ab19b9d3100aacec&ei=13/"Defense Department says military newspaper Stars and Stripes must eliminate 'woke distractions'"], ''The Associated Press'', 15 January 2026 * Trump has also sought to shut down government-funded outlets like Voice of America and Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty that report independent news about the world in countries overseas. Also this week, the administration raided the home of a ''Washington Post'' journalist as part of an investigation into a contractor accused of stealing government secrets, a move many journalists interpreted as a form of intimidation. ''The Post'' reported that applicants to ''Stars and Stripes'' were being asked how they would advance Trump's executive orders and policy priorities in the role. They were asked to identify one or two orders or initiatives that were significant to them. That raised questions about whether it was appropriate for a journalist to be given what is, in effect, a loyalty test. Smith said it was the government's Office of Personnel Management — not the newspaper — that was responsible for the question on job applications and said it was consistent with what was being asked of applicants for other government jobs. But she said it was not something that should be asked of journalists. “The loyalty is to the truth, not the administration,” she said. ** David Bauder, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/defense-department-says-military-newspaper-stars-and-stripes-must-eliminate-woke-distractions/ar-AA1UiEZG?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69696be6758e4eb0ab19b9d3100aacec&ei=13/"Defense Department says military newspaper Stars and Stripes must eliminate 'woke distractions'"], ''The Associated Press'', 15 January 2026 * Traditional conservatives are as anti-fascist as any liberal. Their political vision is derived by libertarian thinkers of past centuries, such as John Locke and Edmund Burke. Their modern philosophy was articulated by erudite commentators like William F. Buckley and George Will. Their political heroes are men like Ronald Reagan and John McCain. Today on the right, there are plenty of folks who call themselves conservatives -- they are all over social media, they fill every time slot of Fox News and they dominate the Republican Party. Yet, these claimants to a long tradition that favors limited government, the rule of law and the advancement of liberty are unquestioning supporters of a president whose actions are those of a lawless, aspiring dictator.<br>'''These people who claim to be conservatives, yet enthusiastically cheer for a man who violates the core tenets of traditional conservatism every day, should stop pretending they are something they are not and simply accept the better description of what they have become. It is a word that starts with F.''' ** David Horsey, [https://horseytoons.substack.com/p/if-it-talks-like-a-fascist-and-acts/"If it talks like a fascist and acts like a fascist, it's a fascist"], David Horsey's substack, 15 January 2026 * A 15-strong French military contingent has arrived in the Greenland capital Nuuk, officials say, as several European states send soldiers there as part of a so-called reconnaissance mission. The deployment, which will also include personnel from Germany, Sweden, Norway and the UK, comes as US President Donald Trump continues to press his claim to the Arctic island, which is a semi-autonomous part of Denmark. The deployment of European NATO allies of Denmark to Nuuk was unprecedented, said French special envoy Olivier Poivre d'Arvor, who saw it as sending a strong political signal. "This is a first exercise... we'll show the US that NATO is present."<br>Trump has doubled down on his bid to bring Greenland under US control, telling reporters in the Oval Office "we need Greenland for national security". Although he has not ruled out the use of force, he said late on Wednesday that he thought something could be worked out with Denmark.<br>"The problem is there's not a thing that Denmark can do about it if Russia or China wants to occupy Greenland, but there's everything we can do. You found that out last week with Venezuela." ** Paul Kirby, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/europe-allies-begin-greenland-military-mission-as-trump-says-us-needs-island/ar-AA1UgTRI?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968d79738504d33839bb80beefc085f&ei=18/"Europe allies begin Greenland military mission as Trump says US needs island"], BBC, 15 January 2026 * Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk said Poland was not planning to join the European military deployment to Greenland, but warned that any US military intervention there "would be a political disaster". "A conflict or attempted annexation of the territory of a NATO member by another Nato member would be the end of the world as we know it - and which for many years guaranteed our security," he told a press conference. Russia's embassy in Belgium meanwhile expressed "serious concern" at what was unfolding in the Arctic, accusing NATO of building up a military presence there "under the false pretext of a growing threat from Moscow and Beijing". However, the European NATO deployment consists of only a few dozen personnel as part of Danish-led joint exercises called Operation Arctic Endurance. While heavy in symbolism, it was not immediately clear how long they would stay.<br>Germany was sending an A400M transport plane to Nuuk on Thursday with a contingent of 13 soldiers, although officials said they would stay in Greenland only until Saturday. Danish defence officials said they had decided with the government of Greenland that there would be an increased military presence around Greenland in the coming period to bolster Nato's "footprint in the Arctic for the benefit of both European and transatlantic security". ** Paul Kirby, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/europe-allies-begin-greenland-military-mission-as-trump-says-us-needs-island/ar-AA1UgTRI?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968d79738504d33839bb80beefc085f&ei=18/"Europe allies begin Greenland military mission as Trump says US needs island"], BBC, 15 January 2026 * The US already has a military base in Greenland, currently staffed by up to 150 people, and has the option of bringing in far greater numbers under existing agreements with Copenhagen. But the Danish-led initiative is seen as signalling to the Trump administration that its European allies also have a stake in security in the Arctic and North Atlantic. Sweden's prime minister said Swedish army officers had been sent to Nuuk on Wednesday. Two Norwegians and one British military officer were also being sent. Downing Street said the UK shared President Trump's concern about "the security of the High North", and said the deployment involved "stepping up with stronger exercising, to deter the Russian aggression and the Chinese activity." Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen said on Thursday that defence and protection of Greenland was a common concern for the entire NATO alliance. ** Paul Kirby, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/europe-allies-begin-greenland-military-mission-as-trump-says-us-needs-island/ar-AA1UgTRI?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968d79738504d33839bb80beefc085f&ei=18/"Europe allies begin Greenland military mission as Trump says US needs island"], BBC, 15 January 2026 * Danish Defence Minister Troels Lund Poulsen said the intention was to have a military presence "in rotation", with the aim of having a more permanent military presence on the island with foreign allies taking part in exercise and training activities. Copenhagen has disputed Trump's justification for wanting to control Greenland. Foreign Minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen said on Wednesday there was no "instant threat" from China or Russia that Denmark and Greenland could not accommodate, although he shared American security concerns to some extent. A Democratic-led US delegation is due to visit Denmark on Friday for talks with Danish MPs. Rasmussen spoke alongside Greenland's foreign minister after talks with US Vice-President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio. The Danish diplomat said the talks were "frank but constructive". He described a "fundamental disagreement" between the two sides and later criticised Trump's bid to buy Greenland.<br>"The president's ambition is on the table," the Danish diplomat told Fox News. "Of course we have our red lines. This is 2026, you trade with people but you don't trade people." Greenland's Prime Minister, Jens-Frederik Nielsen, said this week that the territory was in the midst of a geopolitical crisis, and that if his people were asked to make a choice they would choose Denmark over the US. "Greenland does not want to be owned by the United States. Greenland does not want to be governed by the United States. Greenland does not want to be part of the United States," he stressed. ** Paul Kirby, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/europe-allies-begin-greenland-military-mission-as-trump-says-us-needs-island/ar-AA1UgTRI?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6968d79738504d33839bb80beefc085f&ei=18/"Europe allies begin Greenland military mission as Trump says US needs island"], BBC, 15 January 2026 * '''Trump and his minions are energetically closing the last exit built into the system that prevents absolute dictatorship.''' They intend to orchestrate the sham elections familiar in all dictatorships, or abolish them. They are not joking. This will be the death blow to the American experiment. There will be no going back. We will become a police state. Our freedoms, already under heavy assault, will be extinguished. At that point, only mass mobilizations and strikes will thwart the solidification of the dictatorship. And such actions, as we see in Minneapolis, will be greeted with lethal state repression. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/01/20/chris-hedges-the-last-election/ "The Last Election"], Scheerpost, 19 January 2026 * Thousands took to the streets in subzero temperatures Friday afternoon to protest the Trump administration’s immigration crackdown in Minnesota. Demonstrators wore snowboots and ski goggles, passed around handwarmers and carried signs taped to hockey sticks. Protesters’s eyelashes and beards froze while they chanted “ICE out” and “Minnesota nice, but F— ICE” during a two-hour march through downtown Minneapolis. The march was part of a day of events that encouraged Minnesotans to boycott school, work and shopping in protest of the surge of Immigration and Customs Enforcement in the Twin Cities. ICE agents have been deployed en masse in Minnesota, in what the Department of Homeland Security has described as the largest operation in its history. The enforcement efforts followed a welfare-fraud scandal that put the state’s Somali community into the national spotlight. ** Mariah Timms & Jack Morphet, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/thousands-of-minnesotans-protest-ice-in-subzero-temperatures/ar-AA1UQEbY?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69748550bd2d43a586595be2a40c3645&ei=17/"Thousands of Minnesotans protest ICE in subzero temperatures"], ''Wall Street Journal'', 23 January 2026 * Vice President JD Vance visited Minneapolis on Thursday to urge local officials in the left-leaning city to cooperate with federal authorities to quell what he called “chaos.” The administration has blamed state and local officials for some of the tension. White House officials have denigrated the state’s existing policies and laws that limit cooperation with civil immigration enforcement, including refusing to house ICE detainees in local jails in many situations.<br>During demonstrations in Minneapolis on Friday, roughly 100 clergy members were arrested at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Mostly Christian clergy and faith leaders rallied at the airport, where they claimed planes were flying detained migrants out of the state as part of ICE’s “Operation Metro Surge,” according to Justin Lind-Ayres, a Lutheran pastor in Minneapolis. The MSP Airport Police Department confirmed officers made arrests, but didn’t immediately confirm how many. Protesters at the airport, some wearing clerical stoles draped over their shoulders, knelt while singing hymns and reciting the Lord’s Prayer in frigid conditions that dipped to a low of minus-20 degrees Fahrenheit on Friday, before being handcuffed and led away, video showed. ** Mariah Timms & Jack Morphet, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/thousands-of-minnesotans-protest-ice-in-subzero-temperatures/ar-AA1UQEbY?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69748550bd2d43a586595be2a40c3645&ei=17/"Thousands of Minnesotans protest ICE in subzero temperatures"], ''Wall Street Journal'', 23 January 2026 * Protesters at the downtown march said the huge crowds in harsh weather showed Minnesotans are serious about their wishes for the current ICE operation, and the use of force tactics the officers are employing, to end. “We’re not afraid of ICE, we’re not going to back down. We’re strong, we’re here for our neighbors, we’re here for our community,” said Brianna Verbout, 26, a Minneapolis resident. “Imagine how many people would be out here if it wasn’t negative 20.” “Who cares if you’re cold? We’re used to being cold,” Cindy Boggs, a retired church worker who has lived in Minnesota for the past 50 years, said. “We just gotta stand up and keep with it. I can’t take the cruelty that’s happening to people.”<br>Homeland Security has defended its tactics and maintained it needs to detain immigrants living in the U.S. illegally. Mass immigration enforcement was a key promise of President Trump’s campaign coming into his second term, and officials have expanded the role of agencies like U.S. Customs and Border Protection into the interior to assist with it. ** Mariah Timms & Jack Morphet, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/thousands-of-minnesotans-protest-ice-in-subzero-temperatures/ar-AA1UQEbY?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69748550bd2d43a586595be2a40c3645&ei=17/"Thousands of Minnesotans protest ICE in subzero temperatures"], ''Wall Street Journal'', 23 January 2026 * The free world exhaled on Wednesday when President Trump retreated from his administration’s threat to invade Greenland. That relief, however, masks the damage that Mr. Trump has done to America this week. Mr. Trump’s apologists once dismissed his bullying of Greenland as an attempt at humor. Instead, it has been something far darker. His immoral threats against a loyal NATO ally have escalated a crisis in U.S.-European relations, weakened one of history’s most successful alliances and hurt American interests in tangible ways. ** ''The New York Times'' Editorial Board, [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/01/24/opinion/trump-nato-greenland.html?smtyp=cur&smid=fb-nytimes&utm_sf_cserv_ref=5281959998&utm_sf_post_ref=658798072&fbclid=IwY2xjawPiHMJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZBAyMjIwMzkxNzg4MjAwODkyAAEevT9BCKQZMttc_GRA1X4zf15Ra11H3jgLeH1aesrftQ9y94DxRHmQyIhInbY_aem_zdyugozf18OqwWvsopsO1w/"The World Will Remember Trump’s Greenland Outburst"], 24 January 2026 * In the second Trump administration, immigration policy is made with big round numbers. There’s a formula: First the White House sets an ambitious goal—1 million deportations a year, 3,000 immigration arrests a day. Then it presses the federal workforce to meet the target. Last year, Trump officials pledged to double staffing at ICE by adding 10,000 new deportation officers by January 2026. Stephen Miller treated the recruitment drive as a priority on par with the deportation push, demanding daily updates on the pace of hiring. Immigration and Customs Enforcement held job expos in multiple cities and dangled $50,000 bonuses, student-loan forgiveness, and other perks before potential recruits.<br>Just after New Year’s Day, the Department of Homeland Security declared victory, celebrating an ICE hiring spree that “shattered expectations” and achieved a “120% Manpower Increase.” DHS said it received more than 220,000 applications (many candidates applied for three or four different jobs) and signed up 12,000 new officers, agents, and legal staff in about four months. No federal law-enforcement agency has ever expanded this fast. ** Nick Miroff, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/the-truth-about-ice-s-recruiting-push/ar-AA1UTSMs?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69755f9d891f4014aabdf6bf772c6a7e&ei=9/"The truth about ICE’s recruiting push"], ''The Atlantic'', 24 January 2026 * ICE veterans I’ve spoken with have concerns about the qualifications and aptitude of their new colleagues, especially those with little or no previous law-enforcement experience. Some academy classes have had dropout rates near 50 percent because so many failed the physical-fitness requirements. The Trump administration slashed the length of the training course from about five months to 47 days last summer—because Trump is the 47th president, three officials told me at the time—then cut it further. Now it’s 42 days. ** Nick Miroff, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/the-truth-about-ice-s-recruiting-push/ar-AA1UTSMs?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69755f9d891f4014aabdf6bf772c6a7e&ei=9/"The truth about ICE’s recruiting push"], ''The Atlantic'', 24 January 2026 * The administration also wants more ICE officers on the streets. Trump officials have brought in Border Patrol agents to act as reinforcements in cities such as Los Angeles, Chicago and now Minneapolis. Trump’s rolling campaign has generally targeted one location at a time, but the new hiring surge will give the administration enough personnel to target multiple cities at once. Trump officials say they are filling the jobs by hiring experienced law-enforcement officers from other federal agencies or state and local police departments. Many of the new hires are anxious about their career prospects at ICE once the burst of onetime funding runs out, officials at ICE and DHS told me, especially if Democrats take control of Congress.<br>One ICE official I spoke with told me that some of the new hires, especially rehired retirees, are having second thoughts. Hundreds of the returning officers have been ordered to Minnesota, two officials said, where the administration is conducting the largest-ever DHS crackdown. Some officers have been so cold and miserable that they’ve already quit, and ICE officials have held calls to figure out how to deal with the sudden resignations.<br>Returning officers who have come back from retirement are finding themselves in unfamiliar roles. They spent much of their careers trying to conduct low-key “targeted enforcement” operations in which they planned arrests in advance and sought to take suspects into custody in the safest and least dramatic way possible. Now they’re out in the streets wearing masks, with protesters yelling at them and video cameras rolling. ICE has changed, and the job isn’t the same. ** Nick Miroff, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/the-truth-about-ice-s-recruiting-push/ar-AA1UTSMs?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69755f9d891f4014aabdf6bf772c6a7e&ei=9/"The truth about ICE’s recruiting push"], ''The Atlantic'', 24 January 2026 * Most of the federal government could shut down at the end of the week. But that likely wouldn’t halt aggressive ICE and border patrol operations in Minneapolis and other parts of the country. Democrats are up in arms after Border Patrol agents fatally shot Alex Pretti, an ICU nurse and U.S. citizen, in Minneapolis over the weekend. That came after an ICE officer shot and killed Renee Good, another Minneapolis resident and citizen, in her car earlier this month.<br>Under enormous pressure from the base, Senate Democrats have vowed to block a sweeping government funding bill unless significant restrictions are imposed on the Trump administration's immigration enforcement operations.<br>With Republicans plowing ahead with a vote on the House-passed $1.2 trillion funding package later this week, a partial shutdown beginning Saturday now seems increasingly likely. Money is set to run out for the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), which oversees ICE, and many other critical agencies late Friday night. ** Scott Wong, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/most-of-the-government-could-shut-down-this-weekend-ice-operations-would-carry-on/ar-AA1V1rWv?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6978cb48d3bb4d05a60d6795f9688d96&ei=16/"Most of the government could shut down this weekend. ICE operations would carry on"], NBC News, 26 January 2026 * Yet, even if Democrats shut down the government, ICE operations aren't likely to be hindered in any meaningful way. Under DHS's shutdown plan, a GOP leadership source said, ICE employees would be considered "excepted" workers and would be required to continue showing up to work, though they, like other workers, would not get paid. On top of that, even in a shutdown, ICE would continue to have ample funding since the agency received $75 billion of additional money for detention and enforcement from Trump’s “big, beautiful bill" last year, the GOP source noted. ** Scott Wong, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/most-of-the-government-could-shut-down-this-weekend-ice-operations-would-carry-on/ar-AA1V1rWv?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6978cb48d3bb4d05a60d6795f9688d96&ei=16/"Most of the government could shut down this weekend. ICE operations would carry on"], NBC News, 26 January 2026 * If the government funding lapses at the end of the week, it would mark the second federal shutdown in four months during Trump's second term in office. Senate Democrats blocked a funding bill last fall, demanding that the GOP include an extension to expiring Obamacare tax credits. That shut the government down for 43 days — the longest shutdown in U.S. history. Eight Democrats ultimately caved, voting with Republicans to reopen the government without a deal on the health care subsidies. Polling showed Republicans shouldering more blame for the shutdown than Democrats. ** Scott Wong, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/most-of-the-government-could-shut-down-this-weekend-ice-operations-would-carry-on/ar-AA1V1rWv?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=6978cb48d3bb4d05a60d6795f9688d96&ei=16/"Most of the government could shut down this weekend. ICE operations would carry on"], NBC News, 26 January 2026 * Nearly a year ago, the Education Department sent universities and K-12 school districts scrambling with a sweeping but vague directive. The “Dear Colleague” letter said schools may be in violation of federal law if they consider race in virtually any way — hiring, discipline policy, scholarships and programming. After a lawsuit and a defeat in court, however, the Trump administration says it is dropping the matter entirely. That means an August federal court order blocking the “Dear Colleague” letter will stand. The Trump administration had also demanded that schools certify that they are in compliance with the letter, and that demand is now dead, too.<br>Still, it is unclear how significant the impact will be. The Trump administration, which made sweeping changes to education over its first year, can still work to impose its view of the law on schools through enforcement actions and other pressure. For instance, in July, the Justice Department published a memo that included many of the same ideas that were in the Education Department’s letter. Further, many schools have already changed their diversity, equity and inclusion policies, wary of running afoul of the administration’s anti-DEI stance. ** Laura Meckler, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/trump-letter-banning-dei-in-schools-is-dead-after-legal-appeal-is-dropped/ar-AA1USkjb?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69756d3d22a84125b0b92c399dc88f28&ei=11/"Trump letter banning DEI in schools is dead after legal appeal is dropped"], ''The Washington Post'', 29 January 2026 * Many schools may continue to comply with the anti-DEI directive in an effort to stave off attention from the administration, said Frederick Hess, director of education policy studies at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative think tank. “One of the things we have seen is how reluctant institutional leaders are to get crosswise with the federal government, whether or not it’s clearly aligned with the law,” he said.<br>Either way, Hess said he was pleased that the February letter is no longer in force. That’s because he does not think those types of guidance documents should be used to make policy — something that both Democratic and Republican administrations have done in the past. “Dear Colleague letters have become a blunt instrument to move thousands of postsecondary institutions or 10,000-plus school districts in one direction or another, and I don’t think that’s an appropriate use of them,” he said. “I don’t think that’s good for anybody.” ** Laura Meckler, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/trump-letter-banning-dei-in-schools-is-dead-after-legal-appeal-is-dropped/ar-AA1USkjb?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69756d3d22a84125b0b92c399dc88f28&ei=11/"Trump letter banning DEI in schools is dead after legal appeal is dropped"], ''The Washington Post'', 29 January 2026 ==== February 2026 ==== *US President [[Donald Trump]] has urged [[Republicans]] to "nationalise" elections and repeated his false claims of 2020 election fraud in a new podcast interview.<br>American elections are primarily run by state law, and voting has long been administered by local officials across the country.<br>The Republicans should say: "We want to take over. We should take over the voting in at least 15 places". The Republicans ought to nationalise the voting. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0mke841zj0o"Trump says Republicans 'should take over the voting' and 'nationalise' US elections"], ''BBC'' (3 February 2026) * If Donald Trump’s presidency has any theme (beyond self-promotion), it’s that his "[[America First (policy)|America First]]" agenda will [[Make America Great Again]]. Unfortunately for the American people, if Trump’s maneuvers and machinations have made any nation greater, it’s been [[China]], not the [[United States]]. **[[w:Steven Greenhouse|Steven Greenhouse]] writing in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2026/feb/05/donald-trump-making-china-great-again "Donald Trump is making China great again"], ''The Guardian'' (5 Feb 2026) * Have you ever disliked the outcome of something? Don’t you wish you could change it? Of course, you can’t. The lesson has been drilled into us since childhood: You get what you get, and you don’t get upset. Unfortunately, it appears that Donald Trump and the Republican Party never received that helpful memo. Trump constantly complains about the “stolen” 2020 election to this day, even though it was quite fair. Like a child throwing a temper tantrum, he can’t resist bringing it up. But Trump’s whims are far more dangerous than child’s play, because he just might try to destroy the democratic experiment while he’s whining – and string Republicans along with him.<br>This past week, on a podcast with rightwing personality Dan Bongino, Trump called for the federal government to “nationalize” elections in several Democratic strongholds. He later claimed, “Look at some of the places – that horrible corruption on elections – and the federal government should not allow that.” Regardless of Trump’s fantasies about rigged elections, the Constitution is clear: administering elections is a power given to the states, and the federal government cannot take over voting. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/12/patricks-politics-why-voter-suppression-is-all-the-rage-on-the-right/"Why voter suppression is all the rage on the right "], ''The Daily Campus'', 12 February 2026 * The Republican Party, as ever, seems willing to dance for their ruler. In Congress, Republicans are busy sating Trump’s desire to shift how elections are run. As I’m writing this column, the SAVE America Act is coming up for a vote in the U.S. House. This act would make it significantly harder to vote, making potential voters explicitly prove their citizenship before they cast their ballots. On the surface, this might not seem like a bad idea. Why not ensure our elections are safe and secure? The bill, however, ignores that many Americans don’t carry proof of citizenship on them, such as a passport or birth certificate. It also solves a nonexistent problem; despite false claims of mass illegal voting, it is extremely rare for noncitizens to vote.<br>So then why try to pass this bill? The answer is, Republicans don’t actually want to stop voter fraud. They want to stop people from casting their ballots. They want voter suppression. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/12/patricks-politics-why-voter-suppression-is-all-the-rage-on-the-right/"Why voter suppression is all the rage on the right "], ''The Daily Campus'', 12 February 2026 * All of this attempted voter suppression is clearly aimed at preventing a Republican loss in the midterms and beyond. Trump has already laid the groundwork by continuing to protest the 2020 election results, priming his supporters to be concerned about so-called “election integrity.” Regardless of whether bills like the SAVE America Act end up getting passed, we must still be vigilant about how our rights can be restricted. Regardless of whether ICE is deployed to polling stations or not, we must remember that the threat was made. And regardless of whether Trump does attempt to nationalize elections, we know the effort to suppress voting is born out of the desire to subvert democracy and cheat the system. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/12/patricks-politics-why-voter-suppression-is-all-the-rage-on-the-right/"Why voter suppression is all the rage on the right "], ''The Daily Campus'', 12 February 2026 * Donald Trump has never been one to side with science, especially climate science. He has often spread false claims about climate change being some sort of “hoax” or “scam.” You can imagine, then, how he feels about the Environmental Protection Agency, which is supposed to help counteract the effects of climate change and – as the name suggests – keep the environment healthy. A major pillar of the EPA’s efforts pre-Trump was the 2009 “endangerment finding,” which established the government position that greenhouse gases were detrimental to human health. However, the Trump administration announced it was formally revoking the EPA’s endangerment finding last week, beginning the supposed “single largest deregulatory action in U.S. history.” This revocation goes against established fact in order to service the interests of big business and the MAGA movement’s obsession with climate change denial. It leaves the EPA adrift and powerless, unable to address the ongoing tide of global warming. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/19/patricks-politics-without-climate-regulations-the-epa-protects-nothing/"Without climate regulations, the EPA protects nothing "], ''The Daily Campus'', 19 February 2026 * The endangerment finding was built on a 2007 Supreme Court case, ''Massachusetts v. EPA'', which determined that the EPA did have the authority under the 1970 Clean Air Act to regulate greenhouse gases because of their threat to public health. This decision allowed the EPA to carry out regulatory policies to restrict emissions of these harmful gases. <br>Regulations are particularly important for transportation, which represents the largest share – 28% – of greenhouse gases released by the U.S. each year. The EPA’s own website says as much, which is deeply ironic given the Trump administration’s new policy eliminates all federal regulations on greenhouse gas emissions for vehicles and engines from 2012 onwards. These regulations help prevent companies from simply having their fossil fuel output run rampant. Eliminating the regulations would mean America is now significantly out of step with other industrialized countries, which are busy expanding their own environmental protections and renewable energy sources. Trump’s mission of deregulation represents a major step backwards, and it’s about to cast aside restrictions in an area where the U.S. is already failing to protect the environment.<br>Essentially, the Trump administration’s main argument for revoking the endangerment finding is that American taxpayers will save $1.3 trillion due to deregulation. Since the idea of cost is apparently so important to Trump, according to a federal report from 2023, climate change is costing the U.S. $150 billion per year. That is a conservative estimate that only factors in direct damages, and the number will only grow larger as temperatures and sea levels rise, setting up more frequent and more destructive extreme weather events. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/19/patricks-politics-without-climate-regulations-the-epa-protects-nothing/"Without climate regulations, the EPA protects nothing "], ''The Daily Campus'', 19 February 2026 * Yet the Trump administration ignores that cost is a highly suspect way to measure the impacts of climate change in the first place. The damage of global warming is difficult to quantify, but we know its effects will significantly affect human life for the worse. As the Earth gets hotter and more inhospitable, we are barreling towards the point of no return when our effects on the climate cannot be stopped, and that future cannot be quantified in numbers. It can only be quantified in the suffering that will result. People will have to uproot their entire lives to deal with ever-more frequent disasters and the long-term effects of global heating, especially in coastal areas where seas will rise. The country of Tuvalu, a Pacific island nation, is already trying to upload a digital copy of itself in the face of being swallowed by the rising ocean. The potential loss of an entire nation cannot be quantified, and neither can many of climate change’s adverse effects. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/19/patricks-politics-without-climate-regulations-the-epa-protects-nothing/"Without climate regulations, the EPA protects nothing "], ''The Daily Campus'', 19 February 2026 * At the heart of the Trump administration’s decision is catering to the MAGA base. For years, Trump and the rightwing media apparatus have primed Republicans to be very skeptical of climate change, or at least deny it is a pressing issue. According to surveys from Pew Research Center, just 12% of Republicans think dealing with climate change should be a top priority. Deregulation has also long been a crucial part of the Republican agenda – the Reaganite principle of trickle-down economics rests partly on deregulation of businesses. In addition, the current EPA administrator, Lee Zeldin, formerly served as a Republican U.S. House member and was previously most well-known as a Trump sycophant. He was specifically selected as a fully political, rightwing appointee. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/19/patricks-politics-without-climate-regulations-the-epa-protects-nothing/"Without climate regulations, the EPA protects nothing "], ''The Daily Campus'', 19 February 2026 * Trump’s history of spreading conspiracy theories and falsehoods about climate change has served to muddy the waters with his base about whether the climate crisis is indeed real. Global heating has been settled science for years, but Republicans have grown more indifferent towards tackling it in recent years. Since Trump first took power after winning the 2016 election, ignoring climate change has become a political cudgel, wielded against the idea of “wokeness.” All of this means gutting the EPA’s authority doesn’t hold much meaning with Republicans, but it should. The climate crisis affects both Democrats and Republicans, independents and radicals. It is a crisis for humanity itself. <br>Humanity, however, is not the Trump administration’s concern. The EPA, instead of protecting the environment and public health, is now beholden to the interests of fossil fuel corporations and purely political considerations. Without regulations, the EPA will work to increase the amount of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, not decrease them. The agency has corrupted its mission, because without the endangerment finding, it is useless. And useless is just how Trump wants it. ** Patrick Minnerly, [https://dailycampus.com/2026/02/19/patricks-politics-without-climate-regulations-the-epa-protects-nothing/"Without climate regulations, the EPA protects nothing "], ''The Daily Campus'', 19 February 2026 *[[President Trump]] has designated the cartels as terrorist organisations and [[Mexico]] has already handed over dozens of cartel figures to them. The Trump factor is very important in what is happening **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/articles/cpd81d7y901o "Infantino sure of 'spectacular' World Cup in Mexico despite violence"], ''BBC'' (23 February 2026) *The lives of courageous American heroes may be lost, and we may have casualties. That often happens in war. We’re doing this not for now. We’re doing this for the future and it is a noble mission. **[https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/us/news/trump-confirms-american-casualties-as-us-and-israel-launch-aerial-strikes-on-iran-justifies-the-noble-mission/articleshow/128879539.cms?from=mdr Trump confirms American casualties as US and Israel launch aerial strikes on Iran, justifies the ‘noble mission’] ''The Economic Times'' (February 28, 2026) =====State of the Union address===== *Today our border is secure, our spirit is restored, inflation is plummeting, incomes are rising fast, the roaring economy is roaring like never before, our enemies are scared, our military and police are stacked, and America is respected again, perhaps like never before....<br />I say tonight, members of Congress, the state of our Union is strong. Our country is winning again. In fact, we’re winning so much that we really don’t know what to do about it. **State of the Union speech before Congress, [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/02/25/us/politics/state-of-the-union-transcript-trump.html 24 February 2026] * Tonight I’m inviting every legislator to join with my administration in reaffirming a fundamental principle. If you agree with this statement, then stand up and show your support. The first duty of the American government is to protect American citizens. Not illegal aliens.<br />Isn’t that a shame? You should be ashamed of yourself, not standing up. You should be ashamed of yourself. **State of the Union speech before Congress, [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/02/25/us/politics/state-of-the-union-transcript-trump.html 24 February 2026]. *They don’t want identification for the greatest privilege of them all: voting in America. Both Republicans and Democrats overwhelmingly agree on the policy that we just enunciated. And Congress should unite and enact this commonsense, country-saving legislation right now. And it should be before anything else happens. And the reason they don’t wanna do it, why would anybody not want voter ID? One reason! Because they wanna cheat. There’s only one reason.<br>They wanna cheat. They have cheated. And their policy is so bad that the only way they can get elected is to cheat. And we’re gonna stop it. We have to stop it. **As quoted in [https://www.mediaite.com/media/news/trump-flat-out-says-democrats-cant-be-legitimately-elected-only-way-they-can-get-elected-is-to-cheat/ Trump Flat-Out Says Democrats Can’t Be Legitimately Elected: ‘Only Way They Can Get Elected Is to Cheat’] ''Mediaite'' (February 24, 2026) *Mrs. Zarutska, tonight I promise you we will ensure justice for your magnificent daughter [[w:Murder of Iryna Zarutska|Iryna]].<br />How do you not stand? How do you not stand? **To members of Congress who did not stand up ==== March 2026 ==== [[File:Tehran - The Fourth Day of War 9 Avash.webp|thumb|Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ~ [[Chris Hedges]]]] [[File:Naval Ensign of Germany.svg|thumb|This is not our war. We have ⁠not started it. What does [...] Trump expect a handful or two handfuls of European frigates to do in the Strait of Hormuz that the powerful ⁠U.S. Navy cannot do? ~ Boris Pistorius]] {{Main|2026 Iran war}} * '''Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat.''' ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) *I got him before he got me. I got him first. **[[Donald Trump]] referring to former Iranian politician and Shia cleric [[Ayatollah Ali Khamenei]]; [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2026/03/03/trump-assassination-attempts-iran-attack/ How Trump assassination attempts played into his decision to attack Iran] ''The Washington Post'' (March 3, 2026) *There will be no deal with Iran except UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER! After that, and the selection of a GREAT & ACCEPTABLE Leader(s), we, and many of our wonderful and very brave allies and partners, will work tirelessly to bring Iran back from the brink of destruction, making it economically bigger, better, and stronger than ever before. **[[Donald Trump]] in a Truth Social post five days into [[w:2026 Iran war|the war against Iran]]; [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/trump-urges-iranian-kurds-attack-iran-war-widens-2026-03-06/ Trump demands Iran's 'unconditional surrender,' complicating diplomatic paths] ''Reuters'' (March 5, 2026) *The United Kingdom, our once Great Ally, maybe the Greatest of them all, is finally giving serious thought to sending two aircraft carriers to the Middle East. That’s OK, Prime Minister Starmer, we don’t need them any longer — But we will remember. We don’t need people that join Wars after we’ve already won! **[[Donald Trump]] to British Prime Minister [[Keir Starmer]] informing him his help is not needed in [[w:2026 Iran war|the war against Iran]]; [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-tells-uks-starmer-thanks-but-no-thanks-on-last-minute-iran-help-war-is-already-won/ Trump Tells UK’s Starmer Thanks But No Thanks on Last-Minute Iran Help: War Is ‘Already Won!’] ''Mediaite'' (March 7, 2026) *We took a little excursion because we felt we had to do that to get rid of some evil. And I think it's going to be a short-term excursion. **[[Donald Trump]] to Republican lawmakers and donors, referring to [[w:2026 Iran war|the Iran war]]; [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2026/03/09/trump-house-gop-retreat-iran-war/89006813007/ Trump calls Iran war a 'little excursion'] ''USA Today'' (March 10, 2026) *We strongly encourage other nations whose economies depend on this strait far more than ours. We get less than 1 percent of our oil from the strait and some countries get much more.<br>Japan gets 95 percent. China gets 90 percent. Many of the Europeans get quite a bit. Korea gets 35 percent. So we want them to come and help us with the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] calling on nations to assist in opening up the [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|Strait of Hormuz]] [[w:2026 Iran war|as a result of the US war with Iran]]; [https://koreajoongangdaily.joins.com/news/2026-03-17/national/defense/Trump-renews-calls-on-Korea-China-Japan-others-to-help-keep-Strait-of-Hormuz-open/2546310 Trump renews calls on Korea, China, Japan, others to help keep Strait of Hormuz open] ''Korea JoongAng Daily'' (March 17, 2026) * '''This is not our war. We have ⁠not started it. What does [...] Trump expect a handful or two handfuls of European frigates to do in the Strait of Hormuz that the powerful ⁠U.S. Navy cannot do?''' ** German Defense Minister Boris Pistorius in response to [[Donald Trump]]'s call for other nations to assist in opening up the [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|Strait of Hormuz]] [[w:2026 Iran war|as a result of the US war with Iran]]; [https://koreajoongangdaily.joins.com/news/2026-03-17/national/defense/Trump-renews-calls-on-Korea-China-Japan-others-to-help-keep-Strait-of-Hormuz-open/2546310 Trump renews calls on Korea, China, Japan, others to help keep Strait of Hormuz open] ''Korea JoongAng Daily'' (March 17, 2026) *I do believe I’ll be the honor of – have the honor of taking Cuba. That would be good. That’s a big honor.... *Taking Cuba? In some form, yeah. I mean, whether I free it, or take it... I think I can do anything I want with it, to tell you the truth. **[[Donald Trump]] responding on a question of his plans for [[Cuba]], quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-cuba-military-invasion-b2939753.html "Trump says he’ll have the ‘honor of taking Cuba’ and can do ‘anything I want with it’"], ''The Independent'' (17 March 2026) *When it comes to dealing with the Americans, you have to pick and choose who you deal with and at which level. Luckily, some of the administration are easier to deal with than others. [[Marco Rubio|Rubio]] is sensible, like all Secretaries of State. [US Deputy Secretary of State Christopher] [[w:Christopher Landau|Landau]] is also useful and reasonable, as is [[Susie Wiles]], the chief of staff who was brought back to handle Trump in the second term. These people may be [[Make America Great Again|Maga]] but they are playing a game and are reasonable. The rest of them are, let’s say, challenging. **British minister quoted in [https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/trump-obsessing-mortality-heres-why-uk-worried-4302241 "Trump is obsessing over his own mortality. Insiders fear it will damage the UK"], ''iNews'' (19 March 2026) * '''Robert Mueller just died. Good, I’m glad he’s dead. He can no longer hurt innocent people!''' **[[Donald Trump]] on Truth Social announcing the death of [[Robert Mueller]]; [https://www.mediaite.com/media/news/disgusting-and-despicable-critics-aghast-at-trump-celebrating-robert-muellers-death/ ‘Disgusting and Despicable’ Critics Aghast at Trump Celebrating Robert Mueller’s Death] ''Mediaite'' (March 21, 2026) *If Iran doesn't FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the Strait of Hormuz, within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] in a Truth Social post, threatening to escalate [[w:2026 Iran war|the war with Iran]]; [https://www.axios.com/2026/03/22/trump-iran-48-hour-ultimatum-strait-of-hormuz Trump to Iran: Open Hormuz in 48 hours or U.S. bombs power plants] ''Axios'' (March 22, 2026) *Immediately after the targeting of power plants and infrastructure in our country, vital infrastructure and energy and oil facilities across the region will be considered legitimate targets and will be destroyed irreversibly, and oil prices will rise for a long time. **Iranian Parliament Speaker Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf responding to [[Donald Trump]]'s threat with a threat of his own; [https://www.axios.com/2026/03/22/trump-iran-48-hour-ultimatum-strait-of-hormuz Trump to Iran: Open Hormuz in 48 hours or U.S. bombs power plants] ''Axios'' (March 22, 2026) *BASED ON THE TENOR AND TONE OF THESE IN DEPTH, DETAILED, AND CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATIONS, WITCH WILL CONTINUE THROUGHOUT THE WEEK, I HAVE INSTRUCTED THE DEPARTMENT OF WAR TO POSTPONE ANY AND ALL MILITARY STRIKES AGAINST IRANIAN POWER PLANTS AND ENERGY INFRASTRUCTURE FOR A FIVE DAY PERIOD, SUBJECT TO THE SUCCESS OF THE ONGOING MEETINGS AND DISCUSSIONS. **[[Donald Trump]] in a Truth Social post backing off military threats despite Iran's foreign ministry saying there had been no talks between Iran and the U.S.; [https://www.axios.com/2026/03/23/trump-suspends-iran-strikes-hormuz-negotiations Trump says he's pausing Iran energy strikes for 5 days amid talks] ''Axios'' (March 23, 2026) * President Trump late Sunday said there would be no deal to end the partial government shutdown until Democrats join with Republicans to pass the Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE America) Act.<br>“I don’t think we should make any deal with the Crazy, Country Destroying, Radical Left Democrats unless, and until, they Vote with Republicans to pass ‘THE SAVE AMERICA ACT,’” Trump wrote in a Truth Social post. “It is far more important than anything else we are doing in the Senate, and that includes giving these same terrible people, the Dems (who are to blame for this mess!), a Five Billion Dollar cut in ICE [Immigration and Customs Enforcement] funding, a deal which, even when disguised as something else, is unacceptable to me and the American people – UNLESS it includes their approval of Voter I.D., (with picture!), Citizenship to Vote, No Mail-In Voting (with exceptions), All Paper Ballots, No Men In Women’s Sports, and No Transgender MUTILIZATION of our precious children,” he added.<br>Trump has pressed for passage of the legislation, which would require proof of citizenship to vote and largely do away with mail-in ballots. Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-S.D.) has repeatedly said there aren’t enough votes to get the bill over the line any time soon. ** Ashleigh Fields, [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-no-shutdown-deal-until-democrats-support-save-america-act/ar-AA1ZdPmh?ocid=msedgntp&pc=NMTS&cvid=69c15fde70bd459b9153427f1ae13714&ei=17/"Trump: No shutdown deal until Democrats support SAVE America Act"], ''The Hill'', 23 March 2026 *So, we estimated it would take approximately four to six weeks to achieve our mission [in Iran]. 26 days in, we're extremely -- really a lot ahead of schedule. The Iranian regime is now admitting to itself that they have been decisively defeated.<br>They're saying to people, this is a disaster. They know it, that's why they're talking to us. They're only -- they wouldn't talk otherwise, but they're talking to us because they've got a disaster on their hands. They're defeated. They can't make a comeback. We're free to roam over their cities and towns and destroy all of their crazy nuclear weapons and missiles and drones that they're building, and we're doing that.<br>They now have a chance to make a deal, but that's up to them and they'll tell you, 'We're not negotiating. We will not negotiate.' Of course they're negotiating, they've been obliterated. Who wouldn't negotiate? They are begging to make a deal. We'll see if we can make the right deal. And if they make the right deal, then the Strait will open up, [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|Hormuz Strait]] will open up. **[[Donald Trump]] commenting on [[w:2026 Iran war|the US war with Iran]] at a White House cabinet meeting; [https://rollcall.com/factbase/trump/transcript/donald-trump-remarks-cabinet-meeting-march-26-2026/ Remarks: Donald Trump Holds a Cabinet Meeting at the White House - March 26, 2026] ''Roll Call'' (March 26, 2026) *I built this great military. I said, 'You'll never have to use it.' ​But sometimes you have to use it. And Cuba is ​next by the way. But pretend I didn't ‌say ⁠that. Pretend I didn't. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] at a speech in Miami; [https://www.reuters.com/world/americas/trump-says-cuba-is-next-speech-touting-us-military-successes-2026-03-27/ Trump says 'Cuba is next' in speech touting US military successes] ''Reuters'' (March 27, 2026) *President Trump does not bluff. He is prepared to unleash hell.<br>There does not need to be anymore death and destruction. But if Iran fails to accept the reality of the current moment, if they fail to understand that they have been defeated militarily and will continue to be, President Trump will ensure they are hit harder than they have ever been hit before.<br>Iran should not miscalculate again. Their last miscalculation cost them their senior leadership, their navy, their air force and their air defence system.<br>Any violence beyond this point will be because the Iranian regime refused to understand they have already been defeated and refuse to come to a deal. **Statement from the White House; [https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/2188080/trump-vows-hit-iran-harder Trump vows to hit Iran 'harder than ever before' and 'unleash hell' in horror WW3 warning] ''Express'' (March 29, 2026) *The United States of America is in serious discussions with A NEW, AND MORE REASONABLE, REGIME to end our Military Operations in Iran. Great progress has been made but, if for any reason a deal is not shortly reached, which it probably will be, and if the [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|Hormuz Strait]] is not immediately “Open for Business,” we will conclude our lovely “stay” in Iran by blowing up and completely obliterating all of their Electric Generating Plants, Oil Wells and Kharg Island (and possibly all desalinization plants!), which we have purposefully not yet “touched.” This will be in retribution for our many soldiers, and others, that Iran has butchered and killed over the old Regime’s 47 year “Reign of Terror.” Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[[Donald Trump]]’s Truth Social post; [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15691265/Trump-threatens-strike-Irans-water-supply-Tehran-tears-NUKE-treaty.html Trump threatens Iran's water supply in 'war crime' ultimatum as defiant Tehran tears up nuclear treaty] ''Daily Mail'' (March 30, 2026) * A lot of people will say it's a war crime because mostly these power plants are probably there for the civilian population. You cannot destroy civilian assets in an effort to put harm on the population. **Retired US Army General [[Wesley Clark]] in a NewsNation interview, referring to [[Donald Trump]]'s threat to destroy Iranian infrastructure in [[w:2026 Iran war|the war with Iran]]; [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15691265/Trump-threatens-strike-Irans-water-supply-Tehran-tears-NUKE-treaty.html Trump threatens Iran's water supply in 'war crime' ultimatum as defiant Tehran tears up nuclear treaty] ''Daily Mail'' (March 30, 2026) *All I have to do is leave Iran, and we'll be doing that very soon. And they'll become tumbling down. **[[Donald Trump]] responding to a reporter's question about his plan to bring down gas prices that have soared amid [[w:2026 Iran war|the U.S.-Israeli war against the Islamic Republic]]; [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/trump-says-us-will-be-leaving-iran-very-soon/ar-AA1ZRvrp?gemSnapshotKey=GM4CC59522-snapshot-5&uxmode=ruby Trump says US will be leaving Iran 'very soon'] ''Yonhap News'' (March 31, 2026) ==== April 2026 ==== *Iran has been essentially decimated - the hard part is done, so it should be easy, and in any event, when this conflict is over, [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|the strait]] will open up naturally; it will just open up naturally.<br>They're gonna want to be able to sell oil because that's all they have to try and rebuild. It will resume the flowing, and the gas prices will rapidly come back down. Stock prices will rapidly go back up. **[[Donald Trump]] in speech to the nation regarding [[w:2026 Iran war|the Iran War]]; [https://www.tribuneindia.com/news/usa-news/when-this-conflict-is-over-strait-will-open-up-naturally-trump-strikes-optimistic-note-for-future-of-oil-as-prices-continue-to-rise/ "When this conflict is over, strait will open up naturally": Trump strikes optimistic note for future of oil as prices continue to rise] ''The Tribune - India'' (April 2, 2026) *Jesus taught so many lessons through his death, burial and resurrection. He showed us great leadership, great transformation requires great sacrifice.<br>And Mr President, no one has paid the price like you have paid the price. It almost cost you your life.<br>You were betrayed and arrested and falsely accused. It’s a familiar pattern that our lord and savior showed us.<br>But it didn’t end there for him, and it didn’t end there for you.<br>God always had a plan: On the third day, he rose, he defeated evil, he conquered death, hell and the grave. And because he rose, we all know that we can rise. And sir, because of his resurrection, you rose up.<br>Because he was victorious, you are victorious. And I believe that the Lord said to tell you this: because of his victory, you will be victorious in all you put your hands to. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]]’s personal spiritual adviser, televangelist [[w:Paula White-Cain|Paula White-Cain]] during an Easter lunch event at the White House; [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/paula-white-cain-spiritual-advisor-trump-jesus-christ-b2950689.html Trump’s spiritual advisor sparks backlash for comparing president’s life to Jesus Christ] ''Independent'' (April 2, 2026) *Remember when I gave Iran ten days to MAKE A DEAL or OPEN UP [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|THE HORMUZ STRAIT]]. Time is running out - 48 hours before all Hell will reign down on them. Glory be to GOD! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in a Truth Social post; [https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/breaking-trump-holy-war-iran-36969424 Donald Trump invokes holy war as he gives final Easter Monday ultimatum to Iran] ''Mirror'' (April 4, 2026) *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|Open the F**kin' Strait]], you crazy b*stards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in a Truth Social post; [https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/donald-trump-iran-power-plants-36971443 Donald Trump vows to bomb Iran's power plants in foul-mouthed rant – 'Open the Strait'] ''Mirror'' (April 5, 2026) *Erratic. Can’t finish sentences. Often confused. Illogical train of thought. Word finding difficulties. Developing and worsening gradually over time. The President is exhibiting all the signs of dementia. **[[w:Vin Gupta (pulmonologist)|Dr. Vin Gupta]]'s post on X following [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]]'s April 5th Truth Social post; [https://www.thedailybeast.com/top-doctor-sounds-alarm-on-trump-79-over-dementia-signs/ Top Doctor Sounds Alarm on Trump, 79, Over ‘Dementia Signs’] ''The Daily Beast'' (April 6, 2026) *They would be willing to suffer that in order to have freedom. We’ve had numerous intercepts… 'Please keep bombing.' **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in response to a reporter's question, “You said Iranians would be mad if you stopped these attacks, but why would they want you to blow up their infrastructure to cut off their power? Wouldn't that be punishing Iranians for the actions of the regime?”; [https://people.com/donald-trump-claims-iranians-are-telling-us-to-bomb-near-homes-11943779 Donald Trump Claims Iranians Are Telling U.S. to 'Please Keep Bombing,' Even Near Their Homes] ''People'' (April 6, 2026) *A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in a Truth Social post regarding [[w:2026 Iran war|the US-Iran War]]; [https://metro.co.uk/2026/04/07/trump-warns-a-whole-civilisation-will-die-tonight-chilling-truth-social-post-27886067/ ‘A whole civilisation will die tonight’: Trump’s menacing Truth Social message in full] ''Metro'' (April 7, 2026) *Genuinely one of the most proudly evil men of all time, Military needs to revolt. In a sane country he would be immediately removed. This is madness. **Former Democratic congressional candidate [[w:Krystal Ball|Krystal Ball]]. One of numerous reactions to [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]]'s April 7th Truth Social post threatening the end of Iran as a civilization; [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-2676673885/# Trump's openly 'genocidal' threat ignites global panic: 'Military needs to revolt'] ''Raw Story'' (April 7, 2026) *Based on conversations with Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif and Field Marshal Asim Munir, of Pakistan, and wherein they requested that I hold off the destructive force being sent tonight to Iran, and subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|the Strait of Hormuz]], I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]]'s post on Truth Social; [https://abcnews.com/Politics/trump-pakistani-pms-request-extend-iran-deadline-white/story?id=131815293 How the last-minute deal between Trump and Iran unfolded] ''ABC News'' (April 7, 2026) *We're thinking of doing it as a joint venture. It's a way of securing it -- also securing it from lots of other people. It's a beautiful thing. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] when asked whether he would allow Tehran to charge tolls for shipping through the Strait of Hormuz; [https://abcnews.com/Politics/trump-pakistani-pms-request-extend-iran-deadline-white/story?id=131815293 How the last-minute deal between Trump and Iran unfolded] ''ABC News'' (April 7, 2026) *The Fake News Media is CRAZY, or just plain CORRUPT! The United States has completely destroyed Iran’s Military, including their entire Navy and Air Force, and everything else. Their Leadership is DEAD! The Strait of Hormuz will soon be open, and the empty ships are rushing to the United States to “load up.” But, if you listen to the Fake News, we’re losing! **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in a post on Truth Social; [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/international/world-news/trump-says-strait-of-hormuz-will-be-open-soon-ships-rushing-to-us-as-iran-ceasefire-holds/articleshow/130194927.cms?from=mdr#google_vignette Trump says Strait of Hormuz 'will be open soon,' ships rushing to US as Iran ceasefire holds] ''The Economic Times'' (April 11, 2026) * I'll pardon everyone who has come within 200 feet of the Oval [Office] **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/11/trump-mass-pardons-end-of-presidential-term "Trump reportedly says he’ll issue mass pardons at end of his presidential term"], ''The Guardian'' (April 11, 2026) *To them we cry out: stop! It is time for peace! Sit at the table of dialogue and mediation – not at the table where rearmament is planned and deadly actions are decided.<br>Enough of the idolatry of self and money! Enough of the display of power! Enough of war! True strength is shown in serving life. **[[w:Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo XIV]], addressing world leaders who decide to go to war, his strongest condemnation yet of [[w:2026 Iran war|the US-Israeli war with Iran]]; [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/11/pope-leo-us-israel-iran-war Pope says ‘enough of war’ and decries ‘delusion of omnipotence’ at peace vigil] ''The Guardian'' (April 11, 2026) *Effective immediately, the United States Navy, the Finest in the World, will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all Ships trying to enter, or leave, [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|the Strait of Hormuz]]. At some point, we will reach an “ALL BEING ALLOWED TO GO IN, ALL BEING ALLOWED TO GO OUT” basis, but Iran has not allowed that to happen by merely saying, “There may be a mine out there somewhere,” that nobody knows about but them. THIS IS WORLD EXTORTION, and Leaders of Countries, especially the United States of America, will never be extorted. I have also instructed our Navy to seek and interdict every vessel in International Waters that has paid a toll to Iran. No one who pays an illegal toll will have safe passage on the high seas. We will also begin destroying the mines the Iranians laid in the Straits. Any Iranian who fires at us, or at peaceful vessels, will be BLOWN TO HELL! **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in a post on Truth Social; [https://www.cnbc.com/2026/04/12/trump-iran-war-strait-of-hormuz.html Trump says U.S. will blockade Strait of Hormuz after Iran peace talks fail] ''CNBC'' (April 12, 2026) *[[w:Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] is WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy. He talks about “fear” of the Trump Administration, but doesn’t mention the FEAR that the Catholic Church, and all other Christian Organizations, had during COVID when they were arresting priests, ministers, and everybody else, for holding Church Services, even when going outside, and being ten and even twenty feet apart… I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s terrible that America attacked Venezuela, a Country that was sending massive amounts of Drugs into the United States and, even worse, emptying their prisons, including murderers, drug dealers, and killers, into our Country. And I don’t want a Pope who criticizes the President of the United States because I’m doing exactly what I was elected, IN A LANDSLIDE, to do, setting Record Low Numbers in Crime, and creating the Greatest Stock Market in History. Leo should be thankful because, as everyone knows, he was a shocking surprise. He wasn’t on any list to be Pope, and was only put there by the Church because he was an American, and they thought that would be the best way to deal with President Donald J. Trump. If I wasn’t in the White House, Leo wouldn’t be in the Vatican. Unfortunately, Leo’s Weak on Crime, Weak on Nuclear Weapons, does not sit well with me, nor does the fact that he meets with Obama Sympathizers like David Axelrod, a LOSER from the Left, who is one of those who wanted churchgoers and clerics to be arrested. Leo should get his act together as Pope, use Common Sense, stop catering to the Radical Left, and focus on being a Great Pope, not a Politician. It’s hurting him very badly and, more importantly, it’s hurting the Catholic Church! **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]]’s post on Truth Social; [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-calls-pope-leo-weak-on-crime-tells-him-to-get-his-act-together-11818413 Trump Calls Pope Leo ‘Weak on Crime,’ Tells Him to ‘Get His Act Together’] ''Newsweek'' (April 12, 2026) *To put my message on the same plane as what [[w:Donald Trump|the president]] has attempted to do here, I think is not understanding what the message of the Gospel is. And I’m sorry to hear that but I will continue on what I believe is the mission of the church in the world today.<br>I will not enter into debate. The things that I say are certainly not meant as attacks on anyone. The message of the Gospel is very clear: ‘Blessed are the peacemakers.’<br>I will not shy away from announcing the message of the Gospel and inviting all people to look for ways of building bridges of peace and reconciliation, and looking for ways to avoid war any time that’s possible.<br>I’m not afraid of the Trump administration or of speaking out loudly about the message of the Gospel, which is what the Church works for.<br>We are not politicians. We do not look at foreign policy from the same perspective that he may have. I will continue to speak out strongly against war, seeking to promote peace, promoting dialogue and multilateralism among states to find solutions to problems.<br>Too many people are suffering today, too many innocent people have been killed, and I believe someone must stand up and say that there is a better way. **[[w:Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo XIV]] quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-pope-leo-xiv-02f6b4554ea4b83af02af15987ae1f2d Pope Leo says he does not fear Trump, citing Gospel as he pushes back in feud over Iran war] ''Mediaite'' (April 13, 2026) *I don’t know if [[w:Donald Trump|the President]] thought he was being funny or if he is under the influence of some substance or what possible explanation he could have for this OUTRAGEOUS blasphemy. But he needs to take this down immediately and ask for forgiveness from the American people and then from God. **[[w:Megan Basham|Megan Basham]], a conservative Protestant Christian writer and commentator, referring to a subsequently deleted Truth Social post by Donald Trump of [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/13/trump-ai-image-christ-like-figure-backlash an AI-generated image in the style of a painting], depicting him in a long white robe; in one hand holding an orb glowing with light; his other hand resting on the forehead of a man in what resembles a hospital bed — light beaming from the man’s head as Trump appears to pray for his healing; [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2026/04/13/trump-jesus-religious-conservatives/ Trump post appearing to depict himself as Jesus sparks backlash from religious right] ''The Washington Post'' (April 13, 2026) *I did post (the cartoon image of himself), and I thought it was me as a doctor, and had to do with the Red Cross, as a Red Cross worker there, which we support.<br>Only the fake news could come up with that one. I just heard about it, and I said how did they come up with that? It’s supposed to be me as a doctor, making people better and I do make people better. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]]'s response when asked by a reporter if he posted [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/13/trump-ai-image-christ-like-figure-backlash the picture of himself as Jesus Christ]; [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5829046-trump-doctor-red-cross/ Trump on AI Jesus image: ‘I thought it was me as a doctor’] ''The Hill'' (April 13, 2026) *Now we can, of course, have disagreements about whether this or that conflict is just, but I think in the way that it’s important for the vice president of the United States to be careful when I talk about matters of public policy, I think it’s very, very important for [[w:Pope Leo XIV|the pope]] to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.<br>But I think one of the issues here is that if you’re going to opine on matters of theology, you’ve got to be careful. You’ve got to make sure it’s anchored in the truth, and that’s one of the things that I try to do, and it’s certainly something I would expect from the clergy, whether they’re Catholic or Protestant. **[[w:JD Vance|Vice President JD Vance]] speaking at a Turning Point USA event in Athens, Georgia; [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/trump-administration/vance-warns-pope-careful-talking-theology-rcna331881 Vance warns the pope should 'be careful' when talking about theology] ''NBC News'' (April 15, 2026) *<i>Reporter</i>: Okay, and then on gas prices, how much longer will Americans continue to see these high gas prices?<br><i>Donald Trump</i>: Well, they’re not very high. If you look at what they were supposed to be in order to get rid of a nuclear weapon, with the danger that entails, so the gas prices have come down very much over the last three, four days...<br><i>Reporter</i>: $4 a gallon still.<br><i>Trump</i>: I know, you know, that’s what ABC says, but the fact is that if you look, the stock market’s up, everything is doing really well. And the big thing we have to do is we have to make sure that Iran does not have a nuclear weapon, because if they do, you want to talk about problems, you’d have problems. So, very important is that Iran does not have a nuclear weapon, and they’ve agreed to that. Iran’s agreed to it, and they’ve agreed to do it very powerfully. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] during Q&A with reporters; [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-says-gas-prices-are-not-very-high-when-asked-when-americans-can-expect-relief/ Trump Says Gas Prices Are ‘Not Very High’ When Asked When Americans Can Expect Relief] ''Mediate'' (April 16, 2026) *You notice that we’re doing very well, and I will say the war in Iran is going along swimmingly. We can do whatever we want. And it should be ending pretty soon. It was perfect. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] speaking in Las Vegas, Nevada; [https://www.aa.com.tr/en/americas/trump-says-us-very-close-to-making-iran-deal-as-two-week-ceasefire-nears-end/3908502 Trump says US ‘very close’ to making Iran deal as two-week ceasefire nears end] ''Anadolu Ajansi'' (April 16, 2026) *Millions of American small businesses, including corner stores... What is a 'corner store'? I've never heard that term. I know what a corner store is but I've never heard it described-- a corner store. Who the hell wrote that? **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] speaking at an event in Las Vegas on the economy [https://www.ms.now/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/trump-corner-store-las-vegas-ballroom Baffled by his own ‘corner store’ reference, Trump’s problems with groceries persist] ''MS NOW'' (April 17, 2026) *Trump, by imposing a siege and violating the ceasefire, seeks to turn this negotiating table – in his own imagination – into a table of surrender or to justify renewed warmongering.<br>We do not accept negotiations under the shadow of threats.<br>In the past two weeks, we have prepared to reveal new cards on the battlefield. **Mohammad-Bagher Ghalibaf, speaker of Islamic Republic of Iran’s Parliament, on the approaching end of the two-week ceasefire in [[w:2026 Iran war|the US-Iran War]]; [https://www.the-sun.com/news/16250661/iran-negotiator-ready-reveal-cards-war-ceasefire/ 'NEVER SURRENDER' Iran’s chief negotiator comes out swinging as he says regime is ready to reveal ‘new cards for the battlefield’] ''The Sun'' (April 20, 2026) *We have control over [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|this Strait]]. If the United States continues on its current course, no vessels will pass through the Strait of Hormuz. We are not engaged in negotiations -- rather, we are making demands. **Hamidreza Hajibabaei, the deputy speaker of Iran's parliament; [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/iran-says-1st-strait-of-hormuz-toll-revenues-banked/ar-AA21yg1U Iran says 1st Strait of Hormuz toll revenues banked] ''MSN'' (April 23, 2026) *So, I've done that (taken out Iran's military) within the period of time that I mentioned, but I don't want to rush myself. You know because every story says, 'Oh, Trump is under time pressure.' I'm not, no no. You know who's under time pressure? They are. Because if they don't get their oil moving, their whole oil infrastructure's going to explode. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] speaking to reporters at a White House news conference; [https://thenationaldesk.com/news/politics/you-are-such-a-disgrace-trump-rips-reporter-says-hes-not-rushing-to-end-war-with-iran-conflict-gas-prices-gasoline-oil-strait-of-hormuz-nuclear-weapon-military-us-troops 'You are such a disgrace': Trump rips reporter, says he's not rushing to end war with Iran] ''The National News Desk'' (April 23, 2026) *We were in Vietnam for 18 years. We were in Iraq for many, many years. I’ve been doing this for six weeks and their military is totally ­defeated. I don’t want to rush myself.<br>I don’t want to rush it because you guys are trying to make us look as bad as possible. I don’t want to rush it. I want to take my time, we have plenty of time and I want to get a great deal. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] responding to a reporter regarding when a peace deal will be made with Iran; [https://www.thetimes.com/us/news-today/article/trump-iran-war-vietnam-cnvgl9ndk Trump cites Vietnam vowing ‘no rush’ to make peace with Iran] ''The Times'' (April 23, 2026) *Our first lady Melania is here. Look at her, so beautiful. Mrs Trump, you have a glow like an expectant widow. **[[w:Jimmy Kimmel|Jimmy Kimmel]] joking on his show that [[w:Melania Trump|Melania Trump]] had 'the glow of an expectant widow'; [https://news.meaww.com/brian-kilmeade-questions-melanias-response-to-kimmel-i-dont-think-she-checked-with-president Brian Kilmeade questions Melania’s response to Kimmel: ‘I don’t think she checked with president’] ''MEAWW'' (April 27, 2026) *Kimmel’s hateful and violent rhetoric is intended to divide our country. His monologue about my family isn’t comedy- his words are corrosive and deepens the political sickness within America. **[[w:Melania Trump|Melania Trump]] responding to [[w:Jimmy Kimmel|Jimmy Kimmel's]] joke, that she had "a glow like an expectant widow" following the attempted shooting of President Trump at the White House Correspondence Dinner; [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/tv/articles/trump-accuses-jimmy-kimmel-call-213000925.html Trump Accuses Jimmy Kimmel Of ‘Call To Violence’] ''Yahoo! Entertainment'' (April 27, 2026) *Wow, Jimmy Kimmel, who is in no way funny as attested to by his terrible Television Ratings, made a statement on his Show that is really shocking.... He stated, “Our First Lady, Melania, is here. Look at Melania, so beautiful. Mrs. Trump, you have a glow like an expectant widow."... I appreciate that so many people are incensed by Kimmel’s despicable call to violence, and normally would not be responsive to anything that he said but, this is something far beyond the pale. Jimmy Kimmel should be immediately fired by Disney and ABC. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] on ''Truth Social'' a day after shooting at the White House Correspondents Dinner; [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/tv/articles/trump-accuses-jimmy-kimmel-call-213000925.html Trump Accuses Jimmy Kimmel Of ‘Call To Violence’] ''Yahoo'' (April 27, 2026) *The Iranians are obviously very skilled at negotiating, or rather, very skilful at not negotiating, letting the Americans travel to Islamabad and then leave again without any result.<br>An entire nation is being humiliated by the Iranian leadership, especially by these so-called Revolutionary Guards. And so I hope that this ends as quickly as possible.<br>If I had known that it would continue like this for five or six weeks and get progressively worse, I would have told [Donald Trump] even more emphatically [about Merz' skepticism of going to war with Iran]. **Germany’s Chancellor [[w:Friedrich Merz|Friedrich Merz]] speaking in North Rhine-Westphalia; [https://www.wionews.com/world/-an-entire-nation-is-humiliated-by-german-chancellor-questions-us-exit-strategy-in-iran-war-1777296898392/amp ‘An entire nation is humiliated by....’: German Chancellor questions US exit strategy in Iran war] ''WION'' (April 27, 2026) *Iran has just informed us that they are in a 'State of Collapse.' ​They want us to 'Open [[w:2026 Strait of Hormuz crisis|the Hormuz ​Strait]],' as soon as possible, as they try to ‌figure ⁠out their leadership situation (Which I believe they will be able to do!) **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] post on ''Truth Social''; [https://www.reuters.com/world/trump-says-iran-wants-us-open-hormuz-strait-soon-possible-2026-04-28/ Trump says Iran wants US to open Hormuz Strait as soon as possible] ''Reuters'' (April 28, 206) *[My mother] came to America at 19, met my incredible father, we loved him so much, we all loved him, we loved her, we loved him: Fred. And, they were married for 63 years.<br>And, [turning to [[w:Melania Trump|Melania Trump]]] uh, excuse me, if you don’t mind, that’s a record we won’t be able to match, darling. I’m sorry, it’s just not going to work out that way. We’ll do well, but we’re not going to do that well. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] making a joke about his own mortality during a speech honoring King Charles' visit to the United States; [https://globemagazine.com/president-donald-trump-says-marriage-to-melania-wont-be-able-to-match-his-parents-love-story/ President Donald Trump Says Marriage to Melania ‘Won’t Be Able to Match’ His Parents’ Love Story] ''Globe'' (April 28, 2026) * I think there is probably one country that has a special relationship with the [[United States]], and that is probably [[Israel]]. ** Britain’s ambassador to Washington {{w|Christian Turner}} quoted in [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/america-only-special-relationship-probably-205610640.html "America’s only special relationship is ‘probably Israel,’ says British ambassador to US in leaked comments"] ''CNN'' (April 29, 2026) *We’ve already won [the Iran War], but I want to win by a bigger margin. But we have. We have destroyed their navy, destroyed their air force, destroyed all of their — if you look at their anti-aircraft equipment, their radar equipment, their leadership, their leadership is destroyed. We’ve destroyed everything. If we leave right now, it would take them 20 years to rebuild if they ever could rebuild. But it’s actually not good enough. We have to have guarantee they will never have a nuclear weapon. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] when asked by [[w:Greta Van Susteren|Greta Van Susteren]] "Haven't you already won?" regarding the Iran War; [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump/trump-claims-weve-already-won-the-iran-war-but-i-want-to-win-by-a-bigger-margin/ Trump Claims ‘We’ve Already Won’ the Iran War But ‘I Want to Win By a Bigger Margin’] ''Mediaite'' (April 30, 2026) ==== May 2026 ==== *The hostilities that began on February 28, 2026, have terminated. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in a letter to ‌congressional leaders regarding [[w:2026 Iran war|the US War with Iran]]. Under [[w:War Powers Resolution|the 1973 War Powers Resolution]], a U.S. president can wage military action for 60 days before ending it, asking Congress for ​authorization or seeking a 30-day extension due to "unavoidable military necessity regarding the safety of United States Armed Forces" while withdrawing forces. May 1st, 2026 marked 60 days since the war began. [https://www.reuters.com/world/asia-pacific/white-house-says-iran-war-terminated-war-powers-deadline-arrives-2026-05-01/ Trump says Iran war 'terminated,' as war powers deadline arrives] ''Reuters'' (May 1, 2026) *We’re in a real crisis here in the US. [The President has become a] dictator [who is] destroying our democracy.<br>…There’s nobody in the White House [who] is assisting the President with acting lawful or morally.<br>Trump created [a government made up of the least-qualified people] because of the controls he faced the first time around. Now you have grifters and sycophants and that is not a minor deviation from norms: it’s unprecedented in American history.<br>It’s made us vulnerable domestically and internationally and it’s fueled the divide in the country.<br>The narcissism has always been an issue for him but in an absence of the impulse control the frontal lobe provides it has unleashed furiously, which is why we see revenge, corruption, delusions of grandeur and [alleged] abuses of power.<br>There has never been a President before who announced war crimes he would commit at 4am or danced on the grave of decorated public servants like [[w:Robert Mueller|Robert Mueller]].<br>This is a man who has demonstrated he’s way beyond any ability to lawfully carry out the duties of the office and has no business in the position.<br>[It increasingly feels as though] we’re governed by a madman at this stage, there’s no other way to put it.<br>Biden at the end of his presidency was not qualified to be president either and his deterioration was palpable.<br>But that’s the difference for the ageing process for a normal person and a malignant narcissist. <br>When Biden’s controls faded he became a doddering old grandfather. [Trump is] not Jesus as he thinks he is. **[[w:Ty Cobb (attorney)|Ty Cobb]], former lawyer and White House special counsel to [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]]; [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/donald-trumps-lawyer-mental-state-unfit-serve-4378218?srsltid=AfmBOor1-2nCO1Y1WLLr5OhW21f5cSfBj-LeTJN-jfqXLyV42YNHP3RZ I was Donald Trump’s lawyer – his mental state makes him unfit to serve] ''The iPaper'' (May 3, 2026) *Now, I don’t happen to be a senior. I’m much younger than you. I'm a much younger man than you. Look at you, old guys, wouldn’t you like to be my age? I’m young, vital, vibrant. No, I'm much, much younger than the people in this room, but I feel I can relate to you anyway. See, now the fake news will go tonight, and they’ll say, ‘he’s claiming to be younger than the people...’ **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] addressing a retirement community in Florida; [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/donald-trump-jokes-not-senior-151810063.html Donald Trump Jokes He’s Not a Senior Citizen] ''Yahoo News'' (May 4, 2026) *I think it's got a very good chance of ending, and if it doesn't end, we have to go back to bombing the hell out of them. Very simple. **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] in an interview with PBS regarding [[2026 Iran war|the US War with Iran]]; [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/trump-tells-pbs-news-that-iran-war-has-a-very-good-chance-of-ending Trump tells PBS News that Iran war has 'a very good chance of ending'] ''PBS'' (May 6, 2026) *We believe that a comprehensive ceasefire is urgently needed, that a resumption of hostilities is not acceptable, and that it is particularly important to remain committed to dialogue and negotiations. **China’s Foreign Minister Wang Yi after meeting with Iranian leaders regarding [[2026 Iran war|the Iran War]]; [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trumps-abrupt-u-turn-plan-re-open-strait-hormuz-came-backlash-allies-rcna343845 Trump’s abrupt U-turn on a plan to reopen the Strait of Hormuz came after backlash from allies] ''NBC News'' (May 6, 2026) *I don't think about American financial situation — I don't think about anybody. I think about one thing: We cannot let Iran have a nuclear weapon.<br>Anybody that wants them to have a nuclear weapon is a stupid person. So we said we're going to take the greatest stock market in history and we're going to go down a little bit. And actually that turned out to be incorrect, because our stock market is now at the highest point in history, which frankly, surprised a lot of people.<br>We're going to do whatever is necessary. And as soon as this war is over, which will not be long, you're going to see oil prices drop, and you're going to see a stock market, which is already at the highest point in history, go through the roof. You’re going to see the golden age of America, frankly, and you're seeing it now….<br>If Iran has a nuclear weapon, the whole world would be in trouble because they happen to be crazy,” he said. “Now, if the stock market goes up or down a little bit, the American people understand. **[[Donald Trump]] when asked by reporters about the continuing pocketbook pressures faced by everyday consumers as a result of [[w:2026 Iran war|the war]] he started more than two months ago [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-cost-economy-nuclear-weapons-b2975285.html Trump brushes off Iran war’s cost at home: ‘I don’t think about American financial situation’] ''The Independent'' (May 12, 2026) *When President Xi very elegantly referred to the United States as perhaps being a declining nation, he was referring to the tremendous damage we suffered during the four years of Sleepy Joe Biden and the Biden Administration, and on that score, he was 100% correct **[[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]] referring to [[w:Xi Jinping|Chinese President Xi Jinping's]] comment invoking the so-called [[w:Thucydides Trap|"Thucydides Trap"]] during Xi's opening remarks in the opening ceremony commemorating President Trump's visit to China; [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-says-xi-agreed-us-became-declining-nation-during-biden-years Trump says Xi agreed US became a ‘declining nation’ during Biden years] ''Fox News'' (May 14, 2026) *President Xi was not referring to the incredible rise that the United States has displayed to the world during the 16 spectacular months of the Trump Administration, which includes all-time high stock markets and 401K’s, military victory and thriving relationship in Venezuela, the military decimation of Iran (to be continued!) **[[Donald Trump]] in a Truth Social post referring to [[Xi Jinping|Chinese President Xi Jinping's]] comment about the United States being a declining nation (invoking the so-called [[w:Thucydides Trap|"Thucydides Trap"]]) during opening Xi's remarks in the opening ceremony commemorating President Trump's visit to China; [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-says-xi-agreed-us-became-declining-nation-during-biden-years Trump says Xi agreed US became a ‘declining nation’ during Biden years] ''Fox News'' (May 14, 2026) * Having a failed state &#91;[[Cuba]]&#93; 90 miles from our shores run by friends of our adversaries poses a threat to the national security of the United States. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted on Cuban threat in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckgpzwkn5jko "Rubio says Cuba is threat to US as Havana accuses him of 'lies'"], ''BBC News'' (May 21, 2026) ==See also== * [[First presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[President of the United States]] * [[J.D. Vance]] * [[Immigration to the United States]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} [[Category:Donald Trump]] [[Category:Politics of the United States]] [[Category:Presidency of Donald Trump]] ibnerqrn6k5dbxpete5iky88q32z2cq 0 303004 3944185 3918392 2026-05-22T14:04:57Z ~2026-30728-06 3327297 3944185 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Camp Camp Rooster Teeth logo.svg|thumb|There's a place I know that's tucked away<br>A place where you and I can stay<br>Where we can go to laugh and play and have adventures every day<br>I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true<br>Camp Campbell is the place for me and you]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Season''' [[Camp Camp/Season 1|1]] [[Camp Camp/Season 2|2]] [[Camp Camp/Season 3|3]] [[Camp Camp/Season 4|4]] [[Camp Camp/Season 5|5]] [[Camp Camp|'''Main''']] <hr width="50%"/> '''''[[Camp Camp]]''''' (2016–2024) is an American adult animated web series created by Jordan Cwierz and Miles Luna for Rooster Teeth. It revolves around the misadventures of attendants and camp counselors of Camp Campbell summer camp, in particular protagonist Max and counselor, David. [[File:Bear Creek Lake State Park - picnic tables under trees near boat rentals (27125990380).jpg|thumb|We're here, Camp Campbell! We've spared every expense. All of 'em. Each expense, we spared it. We said nope, not gonna spend it.]] === Welcome Back, Campers! [5.01] === :'''David''': Ooh, can you believe it? We're back for a whole new summer! :'''Max''': Yep, it's really, truly horrifying. :'''David'': Oh, Max, you must be a little excited to see the other campers! :'''Max''': You know what? I am. ''[David gasps in excitement]'' This camp sucks, but you know what else sucks? Life out there; family, school, '''crumbling society...''' These assholes are way more fun! :'''David''': ...I'll take it! :'''Max''': Though, I guess Gwen is gone, and Campbell won't be around to involve us in his "illegal schemes", but overall, it'll be the same. :''[A new camp counselor named C.J. arrives]'' :'''C.J.''': Yup! Exactly the same. :'''David''': ''[chuckles]'' C.J.! I... couldn't help but notice you made some ''[looks at C.J.'s outfit style]'' modifications to your counselor uniform. Well, you know what they say, the lower the "V", the higher the SPF. It gets hotter every year thanks to... climate change. :'''C.J.''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't touch that stuff. :'''David''': Sun... screen? :'''C.J.''': Climate change. Or sunscreen. Full of chemicals. Here, take these supplements, ''[holds up a bottle and throws two of them to David and Max]'' it'll make your skin wet, the sun HATES. It also skyrockets your libido and um... ''[points at David's hair]'' stimulates hair growth. ''[David gasps and covers his hair in fear]'' :'''Max''': This dynamic will be fun to exploit. === Cloak and Hunt [5.02] === === The Talk [5.03] === :''[Nikki is still in the Flower Scouts' mud bath relaxing]'' :'''Nikki''': ''[obliviously uses some makeup on her face]'' I can't believe the Flower Scouts had Grade A warpaint just lying around. It doesn't smudge or anything! Must've borrowed it from the Woodscouts. ''[she grabs a mirror to look at herself, only to notice her face has grown beautiful eyelashes and her bandage is gone; gasps]'' I look... LIKE A FLOWER SCOUT! ''[looks up at a poster that reads "Dead Sea Mud; guaranteed to totally change you!". Seeing this, she looks at her nails, which the dead sea mud made them very long, shiny and pretty. She gasps again as she lifts her left foot up, to see she is somehow now in heels]'' ''OH, GOD, I'M A MONSTER!'' ''[whimpers as she looks at her new left heel]'' === Infested [5.04] === :''[last line of the series]'' :'''Quartermaster''': We're here, Camp Campbell! We've spared every expense. All of 'em. Each expense, we spared it. We said nope, not gonna spend it. 9cf6d4bweevyfmpvob097usq8e0s5cw 3944186 3944185 2026-05-22T14:06:07Z ~2026-30728-06 3327297 /* Welcome Back, Campers! [5.01] */ 3944186 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Camp Camp Rooster Teeth logo.svg|thumb|There's a place I know that's tucked away<br>A place where you and I can stay<br>Where we can go to laugh and play and have adventures every day<br>I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true<br>Camp Campbell is the place for me and you]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Season''' [[Camp Camp/Season 1|1]] [[Camp Camp/Season 2|2]] [[Camp Camp/Season 3|3]] [[Camp Camp/Season 4|4]] [[Camp Camp/Season 5|5]] [[Camp Camp|'''Main''']] <hr width="50%"/> '''''[[Camp Camp]]''''' (2016–2024) is an American adult animated web series created by Jordan Cwierz and Miles Luna for Rooster Teeth. It revolves around the misadventures of attendants and camp counselors of Camp Campbell summer camp, in particular protagonist Max and counselor, David. [[File:Bear Creek Lake State Park - picnic tables under trees near boat rentals (27125990380).jpg|thumb|We're here, Camp Campbell! We've spared every expense. All of 'em. Each expense, we spared it. We said nope, not gonna spend it.]] === Welcome Back, Campers! [5.01] === :'''David''': Ooh, can you believe it? We're back for a whole new summer! :'''Max''': Yep, it's really, truly horrifying. :'''David''': Oh, Max, you must be a little excited to see the other campers! :'''Max''': You know what? I am. ''[David gasps in excitement]'' This camp sucks, but you know what else sucks? Life out there; family, school, '''crumbling society...''' These assholes are way more fun! :'''David''': ...I'll take it! :'''Max''': Though, I guess Gwen is gone, and Campbell won't be around to involve us in his "illegal schemes", but overall, it'll be the same. :''[A new camp counselor named C.J. arrives]'' :'''C.J.''': Yup! Exactly the same. :'''David''': ''[chuckles]'' C.J.! I... couldn't help but notice you made some ''[looks at C.J.'s outfit style]'' modifications to your counselor uniform. Well, you know what they say, the lower the "V", the higher the SPF. It gets hotter every year thanks to... climate change. :'''C.J.''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't touch that stuff. :'''David''': Sun... screen? :'''C.J.''': Climate change. Or sunscreen. Full of chemicals. Here, take these supplements, ''[holds up a bottle and throws two of them to David and Max]'' it'll make your skin wet, the sun HATES. It also skyrockets your libido and um... ''[points at David's hair]'' stimulates hair growth. ''[David gasps and covers his hair in fear]'' :'''Max''': This dynamic will be fun to exploit. === Cloak and Hunt [5.02] === === The Talk [5.03] === :''[Nikki is still in the Flower Scouts' mud bath relaxing]'' :'''Nikki''': ''[obliviously uses some makeup on her face]'' I can't believe the Flower Scouts had Grade A warpaint just lying around. It doesn't smudge or anything! Must've borrowed it from the Woodscouts. ''[she grabs a mirror to look at herself, only to notice her face has grown beautiful eyelashes and her bandage is gone; gasps]'' I look... LIKE A FLOWER SCOUT! ''[looks up at a poster that reads "Dead Sea Mud; guaranteed to totally change you!". Seeing this, she looks at her nails, which the dead sea mud made them very long, shiny and pretty. She gasps again as she lifts her left foot up, to see she is somehow now in heels]'' ''OH, GOD, I'M A MONSTER!'' ''[whimpers as she looks at her new left heel]'' === Infested [5.04] === :''[last line of the series]'' :'''Quartermaster''': We're here, Camp Campbell! We've spared every expense. All of 'em. Each expense, we spared it. We said nope, not gonna spend it. k9tqm5qo6kgpny0ucwm73o542m60pzg 0 304393 3944440 3940447 2026-05-23T11:49:28Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 3944440 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''TBA''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake **Notes: This is Frylock's first death, inside a simulation, he is shot by Meatwad with a shotgun. *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE **Notes: He and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] 8eb0uxyllike7br7fkvhyi3q1sdy9mg 3944441 3944440 2026-05-23T11:49:44Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 3944441 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE **Notes: He and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] n5s95vtcts0fny4ecbefycq88cfiifg 3944442 3944441 2026-05-23T11:50:00Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 3944442 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE **Notes: He and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] 054rxexzvjl0ij3j72jku9m78clqgr6 3944444 3944442 2026-05-23T11:50:31Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 3944444 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE **Notes: He and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] azfe8my1pldccr5kkduikpd75l49gtt 0 304539 3944438 3903011 2026-05-23T11:41:11Z GrimRob 1187925 cleanup 3944438 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Project Zomboid|Project Zomboid]]''' is a 2013 survival video game by The Indie Stone studio. The game takes place in zombie-infected [[Kentucky]] {{Video-game-stub}} == Introduction == *These are the end-times, *There was no hope of survival, *This is how you died. == Taglines == *How will you die? == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{stub}} 59o4rze4x5a4u9esnm1jl92ordu28gf 14 305830 3944371 3927360 2026-05-23T06:48:43Z EarthDude 3228931 removed [[Category:Nationalism]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944371 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Main|Hindu nationalism}} {{Wikipedia|Hindu nationalism}} {{Wikipedia|Category:Hindu nationalism}} [[Category:Conservatism]] [[Category:Islamophobia]] [[Category:History of India]] [[Category:Politics of India]] puzgzluieii32s89m1qtwbhi2b1vvdi 3944372 3944371 2026-05-23T06:49:04Z EarthDude 3228931 Undid an accidental edit 3944372 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Main|Hindu nationalism}} {{Wikipedia|Hindu nationalism}} {{Wikipedia|Category:Hindu nationalism}} [[Category:Nationalism]] [[Category:Conservatism]] [[Category:Islamophobia]] [[Category:History of India]] [[Category:Politics of India]] mkgplt5mvrop8shahzuh43yc2n3fvu5 0 305870 3944270 3921876 2026-05-22T20:13:35Z AC9016 2870313 /* Quotes about Murphy */ 3944270 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Justice Frank Murphy.jpg|thumb|The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.]] '''[[w:Frank Murphy|William Francis Murphy]]''' (April 13, 1890 – July 19, 1949) was an American politician, lawyer, and [[w:jurist|jurist]] from [[Michigan]]. He was a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]] who was named to the [[Supreme Court of the United States]] in 1940 after a political career that included serving as [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]], 35th [[w:governor of Michigan|governor of Michigan]], and [[w:List of mayors of Detroit|Mayor of Detroit]]. He also served as the last [[w:Governor-General of the Philippines|Governor-General of the Philippines]] and the first [[w:High Commissioner to the Philippines|High Commissioner to the Philippines]]. [[File:Inside the United States Supreme Court.jpg|thumb|Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.]] [[File:Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial 14 - July 2012.JPG|thumb|Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.]] [[File:JapaneseAmericanGrocer1942.jpg|thumb|This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.]] [[File:Dr Seuss - 5th Column, 1942.png|thumb|I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States.]] [[File:Arcadia, California. Dressed in uniform marking service in the first World War, this veteran enters . . . - NARA - 537044.jpg|thumb|All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.]] == Quotes == === [[w:Falbo v. United States|''Falbo v. United States'']] (3 January 1944) === :<small>Murphy authored the dissenting opinion and was the sole dissenting vote in the Supreme Court's 8-1 decision[https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep320/usrep320549/usrep320549.pdf].</small> * '''Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.''' We assent to their temporary suspension only to the extent that they constitute a clear and present danger to the effective prosecution of the war and only as a means of preserving those rights undiminished for ourselves and future generations. Before giving such an assent, therefore, we should be convinced of the existence of a reasonable necessity and be satisfied that the suspension is in accordance with the legislative intention. ** p. 320 U.S. 556 * '''Common sense and justice dictate that a citizen accused of a crime should have the fullest hearing possible, plus the opportunity to present every reasonable defense. Only an unenlightened jurisprudence condemns an individual without according him those rights.''' Such a denial is especially oppressive where a full hearing might disclose that the administrative action underlying the prosecution is the product of excess wartime emotions. ** p. 320 U.S. 556-557 * Experience demonstrates that in time of war individual liberties cannot always be entrusted safely to uncontrolled administrative discretion. Illustrative of this proposition is the remark attributed to one of the members of petitioner's local board to the effect that "I do not have any damned use for Jehovah's Witnesses." The presumption against foreclosing the defense of illegal and arbitrary administrative action is therefore strong. ** p. 320 U.S. 557 * Criminal punishment for disobedience of an arbitrary and invalid order is objectionable regardless of whether the order be interlocutory or final. ** p. 320 U.S. 558 * That an individual should languish in prison for five years without being accorded the opportunity of proving that the prosecution was based upon arbitrary and illegal administrative action is not in keeping with the high standards of our judicial system. Especially is this so where neither public necessity nor rule of law or statute leads inexorably to such a harsh result. '''The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.''' I can perceive no other course for the law to take in this case. ** p. 320 U.S. 561 === [[w:Korematsu v. United States|''Korematsu v. United States'']] (18 December 1944) === :<small>Murphy wrote a dissenting opinion for the 7-3 decision in ''Korematsu'', joined by Justices Roberts and [[Robert H. Jackson|Jackson]][https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep323/usrep323214/usrep323214.pdf].</small> * '''This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 233 * The judicial test of whether the Government, on a plea of military necessity, can validly deprive an individual of any of his constitutional rights is whether the deprivation is reasonably related to a public danger that is so "imme diate, imminent, and impending" as not to admit of delay and not to permit the intervention of ordinary constitutional processes to alleviate the danger. Civilian Exclusion Order No. 34, banishing from a prescribed area of the Pacific Coast "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," clearly does not meet that test. Being an obvious racial discrimination, the order deprives all those within its scope of the equal protection of the laws as guaranteed by the Fifth Amendment. It further deprives these individuals of their constitutional rights to live and work where they will, to establish a home where they choose and to move about freely. In excommunicating them without benefit of hearings, this order also deprives them of all their constitutional rights to procedural due process. Yet no reasonable relation to an "immediate, imminent, and impending" public danger is evident to support this racial restriction which is one of the most sweeping and complete deprivations of constitutional rights in the history of this nation in the absence of martial law. ** p. 323 U.S. 234-235 * It must be conceded that the military and naval situation in the spring of 1942 was such as to generate a very real fear of invasion of the Pacific Coast, accompanied by fears of sabotage and espionage in that area. The military command was therefore justified in adopting all reasonable means necessary to combat these dangers. In adjudging the military action taken in light of the then apparent dangers, we must not erect too high or too meticulous standards; it is necessary only that the action have some reasonable relation to the removal of the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. But the exclusion, either temporarily or permanently, of all persons with Japanese blood in their veins has no such reasonable relation. And that relation is lacking because the exclusion order necessarily must rely for its reasonableness upon the assumption that ''all'' persons of Japanese ancestry may have a dangerous tendency to commit sabotage and espionage and to aid our Japanese enemy in other ways. It is difficult to believe that reason, logic or experience could be marshalled in support of such an assumption. ** p. 323 U.S. 235 * The main reasons relied upon by those responsible for the forced evacuation, therefore, do not prove a reasonable relation between the group characteristics of Japanese Americans and the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. The reasons appear, instead, to be largely an accumulation of much of the misinformation, half-truths and insinuations that for years have been directed against Japanese Americans by people with racial and economic prejudices-the same people who have been among the foremost advocates of the evacuation.' ** p. 323 U.S. 239 * No one denies, of course, that there were some disloyal persons of Japanese descent on the Pacific Coast who did all in their power to aid their ancestral land. Similar disloyal activities have been engaged in by many persons of German, Italian and even more pioneer stock in our country. But to infer that examples of individual disloyalty prove group disloyalty and justify discriminatory action against the entire group is to deny that under our system of law individual guilt is the sole basis for deprivation of rights. Moreover, this inference, which is at the very heart of the evacuation orders, has been used in support of the abhorrent and despicable treatment of minority groups by the dictatorial tyrannies which this nation is now pledged to destroy. To give constitutional sanction to that inference in this case, however well-intentioned may have been the military command on the Pacific Coast, is to adopt one of the cruelest of the rationales used by our enemies to destroy the dignity of the individual and to encourage and open the door to discriminatory actions against other minority groups in the passions of tomorrow. ** p. 323 U.S. 240 * No adequate reason is given for the failure to treat these Japanese Americans on an individual basis by holding investigations and hearings to separate the loyal from the disloyal, as was done in the case of persons of German and Italian ancestry. Yet nearly four months elapsed after Pearl Harbor before the first exclusion order was issued; nearly eight months went by until the last order was is sued; and the last of these "subversive" persons was not actually removed until almost eleven months had elapsed. Leisure and deliberation seem to have been more of the essence than speed. And the fact that conditions were not such as to warrant a declaration of martial law adds strength to the belief that the factors of time and military necessity were not as urgent as they have been represented to be. ** p. 323 U.S. 241 * '''Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 * '''I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States. All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 == Quotes about Murphy == * Murphy fought against discrimination in many forms. He was the first justice to include the word "racism" in an opinion, in his vehement dissent in ''Korematsu v. United States'' (1944). In ''Falbo v. United States'' (1944), he wrote, "The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution." ** Jill Silos-Rooney, [https://www.thoughtco.com/most-liberal-supreme-court-justices-3325462/"The 7 Most Liberal Supreme Court Justices in American History"], ThoughtCo, 30 June 2019 * If one uses the term ''influence'' in a rough and ready sense, stripping it of complexities, one can reduce its central tension to one issue: what really counts in determining influence, technical proficiency or result orientation? It has long been conventional wisdom in academic circles to insist that only the former counts, that the latter is ephemeral and even unbecoming to the image of a profession guided in its judgments by analytical reasoning. Recently this wisdom may have diminished in stature, but it is still powerful enough to exclude, for example, any consideration of Justice Frank Murphy as an influential Supreme Court justice, despite his consistent support for liberal positions that were vindicated after his tenure, because of his lack of interest or skill in professional techniques of legal analysis. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 38 * The Murphy example haunts discussions of Earl Warren's influence. What, after all, were the differences between Murphy and Warren? Murphy was occasionally an heroic dissenter in history's eyes, as in ''Korematsu v. United States'', where he alone explicitly labeled the incarceration of Japanese-Americans a racist policy. Warren never took a comparably isolated and retrospectively noble posture. To be sure, Murphy's dissents sometimes appear more eccentric than heroic, but consider Warren's position in ''Marchetti v. United States'', where his dissent reduces itself to the proposition that gamblers should not be accorded Fifth Amendment rights because they are gamblers. Murphy may have lost stature with a certain group of constituents for having been a politician rather than a judge before coming to the Court, for squiring women around Washington, and for occasionally confessing that he sometimes yearned to leave the Court to participate more fully in the world of politics. But Warren had also been a politician before being named chief justice, read sports pages and went to baseball games, and agreed to chair the Warren Commission when others thought the task unseemly or undignified. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 39 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murphy, Frank}} [[Category:Politicians from Michigan]] [[Category:Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States]] [[Category:United States Attorneys General]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Legal scholars]] [[Category:Mayors from the United States]] [[Category:University of Michigan alumni]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Governors of Michigan]] jddgwtyook2bx2mlkwgr7d00cvqf630 3944275 3944270 2026-05-22T20:44:22Z AC9016 2870313 /* Quotes about Murphy */ 3944275 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Justice Frank Murphy.jpg|thumb|The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.]] '''[[w:Frank Murphy|William Francis Murphy]]''' (April 13, 1890 – July 19, 1949) was an American politician, lawyer, and [[w:jurist|jurist]] from [[Michigan]]. He was a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]] who was named to the [[Supreme Court of the United States]] in 1940 after a political career that included serving as [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]], 35th [[w:governor of Michigan|governor of Michigan]], and [[w:List of mayors of Detroit|Mayor of Detroit]]. He also served as the last [[w:Governor-General of the Philippines|Governor-General of the Philippines]] and the first [[w:High Commissioner to the Philippines|High Commissioner to the Philippines]]. [[File:Inside the United States Supreme Court.jpg|thumb|Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.]] [[File:Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial 14 - July 2012.JPG|thumb|Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.]] [[File:JapaneseAmericanGrocer1942.jpg|thumb|This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.]] [[File:Dr Seuss - 5th Column, 1942.png|thumb|I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States.]] [[File:Arcadia, California. Dressed in uniform marking service in the first World War, this veteran enters . . . - NARA - 537044.jpg|thumb|All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.]] == Quotes == === [[w:Falbo v. United States|''Falbo v. United States'']] (3 January 1944) === :<small>Murphy authored the dissenting opinion and was the sole dissenting vote in the Supreme Court's 8-1 decision[https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep320/usrep320549/usrep320549.pdf].</small> * '''Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.''' We assent to their temporary suspension only to the extent that they constitute a clear and present danger to the effective prosecution of the war and only as a means of preserving those rights undiminished for ourselves and future generations. Before giving such an assent, therefore, we should be convinced of the existence of a reasonable necessity and be satisfied that the suspension is in accordance with the legislative intention. ** p. 320 U.S. 556 * '''Common sense and justice dictate that a citizen accused of a crime should have the fullest hearing possible, plus the opportunity to present every reasonable defense. Only an unenlightened jurisprudence condemns an individual without according him those rights.''' Such a denial is especially oppressive where a full hearing might disclose that the administrative action underlying the prosecution is the product of excess wartime emotions. ** p. 320 U.S. 556-557 * Experience demonstrates that in time of war individual liberties cannot always be entrusted safely to uncontrolled administrative discretion. Illustrative of this proposition is the remark attributed to one of the members of petitioner's local board to the effect that "I do not have any damned use for Jehovah's Witnesses." The presumption against foreclosing the defense of illegal and arbitrary administrative action is therefore strong. ** p. 320 U.S. 557 * Criminal punishment for disobedience of an arbitrary and invalid order is objectionable regardless of whether the order be interlocutory or final. ** p. 320 U.S. 558 * That an individual should languish in prison for five years without being accorded the opportunity of proving that the prosecution was based upon arbitrary and illegal administrative action is not in keeping with the high standards of our judicial system. Especially is this so where neither public necessity nor rule of law or statute leads inexorably to such a harsh result. '''The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.''' I can perceive no other course for the law to take in this case. ** p. 320 U.S. 561 === [[w:Korematsu v. United States|''Korematsu v. United States'']] (18 December 1944) === :<small>Murphy wrote a dissenting opinion for the 7-3 decision in ''Korematsu'', joined by Justices Roberts and [[Robert H. Jackson|Jackson]][https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep323/usrep323214/usrep323214.pdf].</small> * '''This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 233 * The judicial test of whether the Government, on a plea of military necessity, can validly deprive an individual of any of his constitutional rights is whether the deprivation is reasonably related to a public danger that is so "imme diate, imminent, and impending" as not to admit of delay and not to permit the intervention of ordinary constitutional processes to alleviate the danger. Civilian Exclusion Order No. 34, banishing from a prescribed area of the Pacific Coast "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," clearly does not meet that test. Being an obvious racial discrimination, the order deprives all those within its scope of the equal protection of the laws as guaranteed by the Fifth Amendment. It further deprives these individuals of their constitutional rights to live and work where they will, to establish a home where they choose and to move about freely. In excommunicating them without benefit of hearings, this order also deprives them of all their constitutional rights to procedural due process. Yet no reasonable relation to an "immediate, imminent, and impending" public danger is evident to support this racial restriction which is one of the most sweeping and complete deprivations of constitutional rights in the history of this nation in the absence of martial law. ** p. 323 U.S. 234-235 * It must be conceded that the military and naval situation in the spring of 1942 was such as to generate a very real fear of invasion of the Pacific Coast, accompanied by fears of sabotage and espionage in that area. The military command was therefore justified in adopting all reasonable means necessary to combat these dangers. In adjudging the military action taken in light of the then apparent dangers, we must not erect too high or too meticulous standards; it is necessary only that the action have some reasonable relation to the removal of the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. But the exclusion, either temporarily or permanently, of all persons with Japanese blood in their veins has no such reasonable relation. And that relation is lacking because the exclusion order necessarily must rely for its reasonableness upon the assumption that ''all'' persons of Japanese ancestry may have a dangerous tendency to commit sabotage and espionage and to aid our Japanese enemy in other ways. It is difficult to believe that reason, logic or experience could be marshalled in support of such an assumption. ** p. 323 U.S. 235 * The main reasons relied upon by those responsible for the forced evacuation, therefore, do not prove a reasonable relation between the group characteristics of Japanese Americans and the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. The reasons appear, instead, to be largely an accumulation of much of the misinformation, half-truths and insinuations that for years have been directed against Japanese Americans by people with racial and economic prejudices-the same people who have been among the foremost advocates of the evacuation.' ** p. 323 U.S. 239 * No one denies, of course, that there were some disloyal persons of Japanese descent on the Pacific Coast who did all in their power to aid their ancestral land. Similar disloyal activities have been engaged in by many persons of German, Italian and even more pioneer stock in our country. But to infer that examples of individual disloyalty prove group disloyalty and justify discriminatory action against the entire group is to deny that under our system of law individual guilt is the sole basis for deprivation of rights. Moreover, this inference, which is at the very heart of the evacuation orders, has been used in support of the abhorrent and despicable treatment of minority groups by the dictatorial tyrannies which this nation is now pledged to destroy. To give constitutional sanction to that inference in this case, however well-intentioned may have been the military command on the Pacific Coast, is to adopt one of the cruelest of the rationales used by our enemies to destroy the dignity of the individual and to encourage and open the door to discriminatory actions against other minority groups in the passions of tomorrow. ** p. 323 U.S. 240 * No adequate reason is given for the failure to treat these Japanese Americans on an individual basis by holding investigations and hearings to separate the loyal from the disloyal, as was done in the case of persons of German and Italian ancestry. Yet nearly four months elapsed after Pearl Harbor before the first exclusion order was issued; nearly eight months went by until the last order was is sued; and the last of these "subversive" persons was not actually removed until almost eleven months had elapsed. Leisure and deliberation seem to have been more of the essence than speed. And the fact that conditions were not such as to warrant a declaration of martial law adds strength to the belief that the factors of time and military necessity were not as urgent as they have been represented to be. ** p. 323 U.S. 241 * '''Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 * '''I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States. All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 == Quotes about Murphy == * Frank Murphy, a Murphy Supreme Court clerk observed, was "a complex, exciting personality who was the living embodiment of an era of political and judicial controversy." Throughout a long and varied public career Murphy was almost continuously associated with great events, events that helped to define the nature of the times in which he lived. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Preface, p. vii * Murphy's shortcomings as a justice are evident enough. He did not work very hard, and he made no serious effort to fill the gaps in his legal knowledge. Insufficiently concerned with process and overly concerned with results, he does not appear to have given much thought to the limits of his authority. Although he devoted a good deal of attention to particular cases and although the opinions that carry his name faithfully reflected his views, he did very little writing on his own, relying very heavily for that task on his clerks. He took voting seriously, and his presence on the Court helped to determine both the kinds of cases the Court selected for review and the decisions it ultimately rendered; but he was always more the "soloist" on the Court rather than a member of the "orchestra," to use Frankfurter's musical analogy for the role of the justice. Unlike Frankfurter, he made little effort in conference to help shape the Court's view of the cases and equally scant effort to influence the character of the opinions written by fellow justices. It was in the role of the dissenter, the role of the "underdog judge pleading for an underdog litigant," that Murphy was most comfortable; along with his 130 Court opinions and twenty concurring opinions, he wrote sixty-nine dissents.<br>'''It would no doubt have been a disaster to have a Supreme Court made up of nine Frank Murphys. It was good nevertheless for the Court of the 1940s to have as a member someone who pursued justice so ardently, who never lost sight of the human aspects of a case, who could unabashedly extol "sentimental tenderness" as a judicial virtue, who had the "creative imagination" to see beyond he immediate problem before him, and whose opinions could be understood by everyday people. "All great courts," one writer has asserted, "need an occasional good man among the great lawyers." Frank Murphy was not a great lawyer, but he was a good man.''' ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 594 * "I have never deviated from the path I set for myself when I first started in public life," Murphy wrote an old friend in 1948. "So many public servants are new-born liberals only to be sound conservatives the next day[,] forgetting the inarticulate and the plundered poor." It is not unusual for individuals to reconstruct their past to make it conform to the present, and Murphy chose to forget some "deviations from the path." There was, nevertheless, a remarkable consistency to his public career. He was, from an early date, a believer in a reformative brand of criminal justice, the merit system, ethnic diversity, and the welfare state. He was throughout his public career a supporter of organized labor and a devoted and caring friend of the jobless, the poor, the afflicted, and the unfortunate. His active defense of civil liberties as a Supreme Court justice was foretold by his record before joining the Court.<br>Murphy's career was distinguished not only by its consistency but by its anticipation of the future. He identified with organized labor and sensed its coming power when it was still weak and shunned by ambitious politicians. He was a New Dealer before there was a New Deal, an advocate of the welfare state before there was a welfare state, and a pioneer in the transformation of the federal system that occurred during the Roosevelt era. He helped pave the way for the role the Justice Department would eventually play in the civil rights struggle, and his dissents of the 1940s anticipated the Warren Court of the 1960s. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595 * Murphy was driven by self-love and a never-relaxing ambition, but self-love and ambition did not dictate the causes with which he chose to become identified as a public official. "If I can only feel, when my day is done," Murphy had written as a junior in college, "that I have accomplished something towards uplifting the poor, uneducated, unfortunate, ten hour a day, laborer... I will be satisfied that I have been worth while." Judged by this criterion, Murphy's career was certainly "worth while." Flawed like all men, Frank Murphy still impresses as one of the more admirable figures in public life during three tumultuous decades in the nation's history. It is not difficult to agree with the judgement of a ''Detroit News'' article that the world was a better place for his having been there. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595-596 * Murphy fought against discrimination in many forms. He was the first justice to include the word "racism" in an opinion, in his vehement dissent in ''Korematsu v. United States'' (1944). In ''Falbo v. United States'' (1944), he wrote, "The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution." ** Jill Silos-Rooney, [https://www.thoughtco.com/most-liberal-supreme-court-justices-3325462/"The 7 Most Liberal Supreme Court Justices in American History"], ThoughtCo, 30 June 2019 * If one uses the term ''influence'' in a rough and ready sense, stripping it of complexities, one can reduce its central tension to one issue: what really counts in determining influence, technical proficiency or result orientation? It has long been conventional wisdom in academic circles to insist that only the former counts, that the latter is ephemeral and even unbecoming to the image of a profession guided in its judgments by analytical reasoning. Recently this wisdom may have diminished in stature, but it is still powerful enough to exclude, for example, any consideration of Justice Frank Murphy as an influential Supreme Court justice, despite his consistent support for liberal positions that were vindicated after his tenure, because of his lack of interest or skill in professional techniques of legal analysis. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 38 * The Murphy example haunts discussions of Earl Warren's influence. What, after all, were the differences between Murphy and Warren? Murphy was occasionally an heroic dissenter in history's eyes, as in ''Korematsu v. United States'', where he alone explicitly labeled the incarceration of Japanese-Americans a racist policy. Warren never took a comparably isolated and retrospectively noble posture. To be sure, Murphy's dissents sometimes appear more eccentric than heroic, but consider Warren's position in ''Marchetti v. United States'', where his dissent reduces itself to the proposition that gamblers should not be accorded Fifth Amendment rights because they are gamblers. Murphy may have lost stature with a certain group of constituents for having been a politician rather than a judge before coming to the Court, for squiring women around Washington, and for occasionally confessing that he sometimes yearned to leave the Court to participate more fully in the world of politics. But Warren had also been a politician before being named chief justice, read sports pages and went to baseball games, and agreed to chair the Warren Commission when others thought the task unseemly or undignified. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 39 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murphy, Frank}} [[Category:Politicians from Michigan]] [[Category:Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States]] [[Category:United States Attorneys General]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Legal scholars]] [[Category:Mayors from the United States]] [[Category:University of Michigan alumni]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Governors of Michigan]] 41fnwh99whsx8uhm9scns7seusgmn6m 3944276 3944275 2026-05-22T20:46:08Z AC9016 2870313 /* Quotes about Murphy */ 3944276 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Justice Frank Murphy.jpg|thumb|The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.]] '''[[w:Frank Murphy|William Francis Murphy]]''' (April 13, 1890 – July 19, 1949) was an American politician, lawyer, and [[w:jurist|jurist]] from [[Michigan]]. He was a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]] who was named to the [[Supreme Court of the United States]] in 1940 after a political career that included serving as [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]], 35th [[w:governor of Michigan|governor of Michigan]], and [[w:List of mayors of Detroit|Mayor of Detroit]]. He also served as the last [[w:Governor-General of the Philippines|Governor-General of the Philippines]] and the first [[w:High Commissioner to the Philippines|High Commissioner to the Philippines]]. [[File:Inside the United States Supreme Court.jpg|thumb|Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.]] [[File:Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial 14 - July 2012.JPG|thumb|Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.]] [[File:JapaneseAmericanGrocer1942.jpg|thumb|This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.]] [[File:Dr Seuss - 5th Column, 1942.png|thumb|I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States.]] [[File:Arcadia, California. Dressed in uniform marking service in the first World War, this veteran enters . . . - NARA - 537044.jpg|thumb|All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.]] == Quotes == === [[w:Falbo v. United States|''Falbo v. United States'']] (3 January 1944) === :<small>Murphy authored the dissenting opinion and was the sole dissenting vote in the Supreme Court's 8-1 decision[https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep320/usrep320549/usrep320549.pdf].</small> * '''Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.''' We assent to their temporary suspension only to the extent that they constitute a clear and present danger to the effective prosecution of the war and only as a means of preserving those rights undiminished for ourselves and future generations. Before giving such an assent, therefore, we should be convinced of the existence of a reasonable necessity and be satisfied that the suspension is in accordance with the legislative intention. ** p. 320 U.S. 556 * '''Common sense and justice dictate that a citizen accused of a crime should have the fullest hearing possible, plus the opportunity to present every reasonable defense. Only an unenlightened jurisprudence condemns an individual without according him those rights.''' Such a denial is especially oppressive where a full hearing might disclose that the administrative action underlying the prosecution is the product of excess wartime emotions. ** p. 320 U.S. 556-557 * Experience demonstrates that in time of war individual liberties cannot always be entrusted safely to uncontrolled administrative discretion. Illustrative of this proposition is the remark attributed to one of the members of petitioner's local board to the effect that "I do not have any damned use for Jehovah's Witnesses." The presumption against foreclosing the defense of illegal and arbitrary administrative action is therefore strong. ** p. 320 U.S. 557 * Criminal punishment for disobedience of an arbitrary and invalid order is objectionable regardless of whether the order be interlocutory or final. ** p. 320 U.S. 558 * That an individual should languish in prison for five years without being accorded the opportunity of proving that the prosecution was based upon arbitrary and illegal administrative action is not in keeping with the high standards of our judicial system. Especially is this so where neither public necessity nor rule of law or statute leads inexorably to such a harsh result. '''The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.''' I can perceive no other course for the law to take in this case. ** p. 320 U.S. 561 === [[w:Korematsu v. United States|''Korematsu v. United States'']] (18 December 1944) === :<small>Murphy wrote a dissenting opinion for the 7-3 decision in ''Korematsu'', joined by Justices Roberts and [[Robert H. Jackson|Jackson]][https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep323/usrep323214/usrep323214.pdf].</small> * '''This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 233 * The judicial test of whether the Government, on a plea of military necessity, can validly deprive an individual of any of his constitutional rights is whether the deprivation is reasonably related to a public danger that is so "imme diate, imminent, and impending" as not to admit of delay and not to permit the intervention of ordinary constitutional processes to alleviate the danger. Civilian Exclusion Order No. 34, banishing from a prescribed area of the Pacific Coast "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," clearly does not meet that test. Being an obvious racial discrimination, the order deprives all those within its scope of the equal protection of the laws as guaranteed by the Fifth Amendment. It further deprives these individuals of their constitutional rights to live and work where they will, to establish a home where they choose and to move about freely. In excommunicating them without benefit of hearings, this order also deprives them of all their constitutional rights to procedural due process. Yet no reasonable relation to an "immediate, imminent, and impending" public danger is evident to support this racial restriction which is one of the most sweeping and complete deprivations of constitutional rights in the history of this nation in the absence of martial law. ** p. 323 U.S. 234-235 * It must be conceded that the military and naval situation in the spring of 1942 was such as to generate a very real fear of invasion of the Pacific Coast, accompanied by fears of sabotage and espionage in that area. The military command was therefore justified in adopting all reasonable means necessary to combat these dangers. In adjudging the military action taken in light of the then apparent dangers, we must not erect too high or too meticulous standards; it is necessary only that the action have some reasonable relation to the removal of the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. But the exclusion, either temporarily or permanently, of all persons with Japanese blood in their veins has no such reasonable relation. And that relation is lacking because the exclusion order necessarily must rely for its reasonableness upon the assumption that ''all'' persons of Japanese ancestry may have a dangerous tendency to commit sabotage and espionage and to aid our Japanese enemy in other ways. It is difficult to believe that reason, logic or experience could be marshalled in support of such an assumption. ** p. 323 U.S. 235 * The main reasons relied upon by those responsible for the forced evacuation, therefore, do not prove a reasonable relation between the group characteristics of Japanese Americans and the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. The reasons appear, instead, to be largely an accumulation of much of the misinformation, half-truths and insinuations that for years have been directed against Japanese Americans by people with racial and economic prejudices-the same people who have been among the foremost advocates of the evacuation.' ** p. 323 U.S. 239 * No one denies, of course, that there were some disloyal persons of Japanese descent on the Pacific Coast who did all in their power to aid their ancestral land. Similar disloyal activities have been engaged in by many persons of German, Italian and even more pioneer stock in our country. But to infer that examples of individual disloyalty prove group disloyalty and justify discriminatory action against the entire group is to deny that under our system of law individual guilt is the sole basis for deprivation of rights. Moreover, this inference, which is at the very heart of the evacuation orders, has been used in support of the abhorrent and despicable treatment of minority groups by the dictatorial tyrannies which this nation is now pledged to destroy. To give constitutional sanction to that inference in this case, however well-intentioned may have been the military command on the Pacific Coast, is to adopt one of the cruelest of the rationales used by our enemies to destroy the dignity of the individual and to encourage and open the door to discriminatory actions against other minority groups in the passions of tomorrow. ** p. 323 U.S. 240 * No adequate reason is given for the failure to treat these Japanese Americans on an individual basis by holding investigations and hearings to separate the loyal from the disloyal, as was done in the case of persons of German and Italian ancestry. Yet nearly four months elapsed after Pearl Harbor before the first exclusion order was issued; nearly eight months went by until the last order was is sued; and the last of these "subversive" persons was not actually removed until almost eleven months had elapsed. Leisure and deliberation seem to have been more of the essence than speed. And the fact that conditions were not such as to warrant a declaration of martial law adds strength to the belief that the factors of time and military necessity were not as urgent as they have been represented to be. ** p. 323 U.S. 241 * '''Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 * '''I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States. All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 == Quotes about Murphy == [[File:SUPREME COURT, U.S. LCCN2016862732.jpg|thumb|It would no doubt have been a disaster to have a Supreme Court made up of nine Frank Murphys. It was good nevertheless for the Court of the 1940s to have as a member someone who pursued justice so ardently, who never lost sight of the human aspects of a case, who could unabashedly extol "sentimental tenderness" as a judicial virtue, who had the "creative imagination" to see beyond he immediate problem before him, and whose opinions could be understood by everyday people. "All great courts," one writer has asserted, "need an occasional good man among the great lawyers." Frank Murphy was not a great lawyer, but he was a good man. ~ Sidney Fine]] * Frank Murphy, a Murphy Supreme Court clerk observed, was "a complex, exciting personality who was the living embodiment of an era of political and judicial controversy." Throughout a long and varied public career Murphy was almost continuously associated with great events, events that helped to define the nature of the times in which he lived. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Preface, p. vii * Murphy's shortcomings as a justice are evident enough. He did not work very hard, and he made no serious effort to fill the gaps in his legal knowledge. Insufficiently concerned with process and overly concerned with results, he does not appear to have given much thought to the limits of his authority. Although he devoted a good deal of attention to particular cases and although the opinions that carry his name faithfully reflected his views, he did very little writing on his own, relying very heavily for that task on his clerks. He took voting seriously, and his presence on the Court helped to determine both the kinds of cases the Court selected for review and the decisions it ultimately rendered; but he was always more the "soloist" on the Court rather than a member of the "orchestra," to use Frankfurter's musical analogy for the role of the justice. Unlike Frankfurter, he made little effort in conference to help shape the Court's view of the cases and equally scant effort to influence the character of the opinions written by fellow justices. It was in the role of the dissenter, the role of the "underdog judge pleading for an underdog litigant," that Murphy was most comfortable; along with his 130 Court opinions and twenty concurring opinions, he wrote sixty-nine dissents.<br>'''It would no doubt have been a disaster to have a Supreme Court made up of nine Frank Murphys. It was good nevertheless for the Court of the 1940s to have as a member someone who pursued justice so ardently, who never lost sight of the human aspects of a case, who could unabashedly extol "sentimental tenderness" as a judicial virtue, who had the "creative imagination" to see beyond he immediate problem before him, and whose opinions could be understood by everyday people. "All great courts," one writer has asserted, "need an occasional good man among the great lawyers." Frank Murphy was not a great lawyer, but he was a good man.''' ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 594 * "I have never deviated from the path I set for myself when I first started in public life," Murphy wrote an old friend in 1948. "So many public servants are new-born liberals only to be sound conservatives the next day[,] forgetting the inarticulate and the plundered poor." It is not unusual for individuals to reconstruct their past to make it conform to the present, and Murphy chose to forget some "deviations from the path." There was, nevertheless, a remarkable consistency to his public career. He was, from an early date, a believer in a reformative brand of criminal justice, the merit system, ethnic diversity, and the welfare state. He was throughout his public career a supporter of organized labor and a devoted and caring friend of the jobless, the poor, the afflicted, and the unfortunate. His active defense of civil liberties as a Supreme Court justice was foretold by his record before joining the Court.<br>Murphy's career was distinguished not only by its consistency but by its anticipation of the future. He identified with organized labor and sensed its coming power when it was still weak and shunned by ambitious politicians. He was a New Dealer before there was a New Deal, an advocate of the welfare state before there was a welfare state, and a pioneer in the transformation of the federal system that occurred during the Roosevelt era. He helped pave the way for the role the Justice Department would eventually play in the civil rights struggle, and his dissents of the 1940s anticipated the Warren Court of the 1960s. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595 * Murphy was driven by self-love and a never-relaxing ambition, but self-love and ambition did not dictate the causes with which he chose to become identified as a public official. "If I can only feel, when my day is done," Murphy had written as a junior in college, "that I have accomplished something towards uplifting the poor, uneducated, unfortunate, ten hour a day, laborer... I will be satisfied that I have been worth while." Judged by this criterion, Murphy's career was certainly "worth while." Flawed like all men, Frank Murphy still impresses as one of the more admirable figures in public life during three tumultuous decades in the nation's history. It is not difficult to agree with the judgement of a ''Detroit News'' article that the world was a better place for his having been there. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595-596 * Murphy fought against discrimination in many forms. He was the first justice to include the word "racism" in an opinion, in his vehement dissent in ''Korematsu v. United States'' (1944). In ''Falbo v. United States'' (1944), he wrote, "The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution." ** Jill Silos-Rooney, [https://www.thoughtco.com/most-liberal-supreme-court-justices-3325462/"The 7 Most Liberal Supreme Court Justices in American History"], ThoughtCo, 30 June 2019 * If one uses the term ''influence'' in a rough and ready sense, stripping it of complexities, one can reduce its central tension to one issue: what really counts in determining influence, technical proficiency or result orientation? It has long been conventional wisdom in academic circles to insist that only the former counts, that the latter is ephemeral and even unbecoming to the image of a profession guided in its judgments by analytical reasoning. Recently this wisdom may have diminished in stature, but it is still powerful enough to exclude, for example, any consideration of Justice Frank Murphy as an influential Supreme Court justice, despite his consistent support for liberal positions that were vindicated after his tenure, because of his lack of interest or skill in professional techniques of legal analysis. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 38 * The Murphy example haunts discussions of Earl Warren's influence. What, after all, were the differences between Murphy and Warren? Murphy was occasionally an heroic dissenter in history's eyes, as in ''Korematsu v. United States'', where he alone explicitly labeled the incarceration of Japanese-Americans a racist policy. Warren never took a comparably isolated and retrospectively noble posture. To be sure, Murphy's dissents sometimes appear more eccentric than heroic, but consider Warren's position in ''Marchetti v. United States'', where his dissent reduces itself to the proposition that gamblers should not be accorded Fifth Amendment rights because they are gamblers. Murphy may have lost stature with a certain group of constituents for having been a politician rather than a judge before coming to the Court, for squiring women around Washington, and for occasionally confessing that he sometimes yearned to leave the Court to participate more fully in the world of politics. But Warren had also been a politician before being named chief justice, read sports pages and went to baseball games, and agreed to chair the Warren Commission when others thought the task unseemly or undignified. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 39 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murphy, Frank}} [[Category:Politicians from Michigan]] [[Category:Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States]] [[Category:United States Attorneys General]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Legal scholars]] [[Category:Mayors from the United States]] [[Category:University of Michigan alumni]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Governors of Michigan]] 1ffbvuv5oa54b7b4njiuiz769bzwhz2 3944278 3944276 2026-05-22T20:51:45Z AC9016 2870313 3944278 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Justice Frank Murphy.jpg|thumb|The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.]] '''[[w:Frank Murphy|William Francis Murphy]]''' (April 13, 1890 – July 19, 1949) was an American politician, lawyer, and [[w:jurist|jurist]] from [[Michigan]]. He was a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]] who was named to the [[Supreme Court of the United States]] in 1940 after a political career that included serving as [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]], 35th [[w:governor of Michigan|governor of Michigan]], and [[w:List of mayors of Detroit|Mayor of Detroit]]. He also served as the last [[w:Governor-General of the Philippines|Governor-General of the Philippines]] and the first [[w:High Commissioner to the Philippines|High Commissioner to the Philippines]]. [[File:Inside the United States Supreme Court.jpg|thumb|Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.]] [[File:Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial 14 - July 2012.JPG|thumb|Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.]] [[File:Newest member of U.S. Supreme Court, Frank Murphy, former Atty. General, Feb. 1940 LCCN2016877045.jpg|thumb|Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.]] [[File:JapaneseAmericanGrocer1942.jpg|thumb|This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.]] [[File:Dr Seuss - 5th Column, 1942.png|thumb|I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States.]] [[File:Arcadia, California. Dressed in uniform marking service in the first World War, this veteran enters . . . - NARA - 537044.jpg|thumb|All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.]] == Quotes == === [[w:Falbo v. United States|''Falbo v. United States'']] (3 January 1944) === :<small>Murphy authored the dissenting opinion and was the sole dissenting vote in the Supreme Court's 8-1 decision[https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep320/usrep320549/usrep320549.pdf].</small> * '''Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.''' We assent to their temporary suspension only to the extent that they constitute a clear and present danger to the effective prosecution of the war and only as a means of preserving those rights undiminished for ourselves and future generations. Before giving such an assent, therefore, we should be convinced of the existence of a reasonable necessity and be satisfied that the suspension is in accordance with the legislative intention. ** p. 320 U.S. 556 * '''Common sense and justice dictate that a citizen accused of a crime should have the fullest hearing possible, plus the opportunity to present every reasonable defense. Only an unenlightened jurisprudence condemns an individual without according him those rights.''' Such a denial is especially oppressive where a full hearing might disclose that the administrative action underlying the prosecution is the product of excess wartime emotions. ** p. 320 U.S. 556-557 * Experience demonstrates that in time of war individual liberties cannot always be entrusted safely to uncontrolled administrative discretion. Illustrative of this proposition is the remark attributed to one of the members of petitioner's local board to the effect that "I do not have any damned use for Jehovah's Witnesses." The presumption against foreclosing the defense of illegal and arbitrary administrative action is therefore strong. ** p. 320 U.S. 557 * Criminal punishment for disobedience of an arbitrary and invalid order is objectionable regardless of whether the order be interlocutory or final. ** p. 320 U.S. 558 * That an individual should languish in prison for five years without being accorded the opportunity of proving that the prosecution was based upon arbitrary and illegal administrative action is not in keeping with the high standards of our judicial system. Especially is this so where neither public necessity nor rule of law or statute leads inexorably to such a harsh result. '''The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.''' I can perceive no other course for the law to take in this case. ** p. 320 U.S. 561 === [[w:Korematsu v. United States|''Korematsu v. United States'']] (18 December 1944) === :<small>Murphy wrote a dissenting opinion for the 7-3 decision in ''Korematsu'', joined by Justices Roberts and [[Robert H. Jackson|Jackson]][https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep323/usrep323214/usrep323214.pdf].</small> * '''This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 233 * The judicial test of whether the Government, on a plea of military necessity, can validly deprive an individual of any of his constitutional rights is whether the deprivation is reasonably related to a public danger that is so "imme diate, imminent, and impending" as not to admit of delay and not to permit the intervention of ordinary constitutional processes to alleviate the danger. Civilian Exclusion Order No. 34, banishing from a prescribed area of the Pacific Coast "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," clearly does not meet that test. Being an obvious racial discrimination, the order deprives all those within its scope of the equal protection of the laws as guaranteed by the Fifth Amendment. It further deprives these individuals of their constitutional rights to live and work where they will, to establish a home where they choose and to move about freely. In excommunicating them without benefit of hearings, this order also deprives them of all their constitutional rights to procedural due process. Yet no reasonable relation to an "immediate, imminent, and impending" public danger is evident to support this racial restriction which is one of the most sweeping and complete deprivations of constitutional rights in the history of this nation in the absence of martial law. ** p. 323 U.S. 234-235 * It must be conceded that the military and naval situation in the spring of 1942 was such as to generate a very real fear of invasion of the Pacific Coast, accompanied by fears of sabotage and espionage in that area. The military command was therefore justified in adopting all reasonable means necessary to combat these dangers. In adjudging the military action taken in light of the then apparent dangers, we must not erect too high or too meticulous standards; it is necessary only that the action have some reasonable relation to the removal of the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. But the exclusion, either temporarily or permanently, of all persons with Japanese blood in their veins has no such reasonable relation. And that relation is lacking because the exclusion order necessarily must rely for its reasonableness upon the assumption that ''all'' persons of Japanese ancestry may have a dangerous tendency to commit sabotage and espionage and to aid our Japanese enemy in other ways. It is difficult to believe that reason, logic or experience could be marshalled in support of such an assumption. ** p. 323 U.S. 235 * The main reasons relied upon by those responsible for the forced evacuation, therefore, do not prove a reasonable relation between the group characteristics of Japanese Americans and the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. The reasons appear, instead, to be largely an accumulation of much of the misinformation, half-truths and insinuations that for years have been directed against Japanese Americans by people with racial and economic prejudices-the same people who have been among the foremost advocates of the evacuation.' ** p. 323 U.S. 239 * No one denies, of course, that there were some disloyal persons of Japanese descent on the Pacific Coast who did all in their power to aid their ancestral land. Similar disloyal activities have been engaged in by many persons of German, Italian and even more pioneer stock in our country. But to infer that examples of individual disloyalty prove group disloyalty and justify discriminatory action against the entire group is to deny that under our system of law individual guilt is the sole basis for deprivation of rights. Moreover, this inference, which is at the very heart of the evacuation orders, has been used in support of the abhorrent and despicable treatment of minority groups by the dictatorial tyrannies which this nation is now pledged to destroy. To give constitutional sanction to that inference in this case, however well-intentioned may have been the military command on the Pacific Coast, is to adopt one of the cruelest of the rationales used by our enemies to destroy the dignity of the individual and to encourage and open the door to discriminatory actions against other minority groups in the passions of tomorrow. ** p. 323 U.S. 240 * No adequate reason is given for the failure to treat these Japanese Americans on an individual basis by holding investigations and hearings to separate the loyal from the disloyal, as was done in the case of persons of German and Italian ancestry. Yet nearly four months elapsed after Pearl Harbor before the first exclusion order was issued; nearly eight months went by until the last order was is sued; and the last of these "subversive" persons was not actually removed until almost eleven months had elapsed. Leisure and deliberation seem to have been more of the essence than speed. And the fact that conditions were not such as to warrant a declaration of martial law adds strength to the belief that the factors of time and military necessity were not as urgent as they have been represented to be. ** p. 323 U.S. 241 * '''Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 * '''I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States. All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 == Quotes about Murphy == [[File:SUPREME COURT, U.S. LCCN2016862732.jpg|thumb|It would no doubt have been a disaster to have a Supreme Court made up of nine Frank Murphys. It was good nevertheless for the Court of the 1940s to have as a member someone who pursued justice so ardently, who never lost sight of the human aspects of a case, who could unabashedly extol "sentimental tenderness" as a judicial virtue, who had the "creative imagination" to see beyond he immediate problem before him, and whose opinions could be understood by everyday people. "All great courts," one writer has asserted, "need an occasional good man among the great lawyers." Frank Murphy was not a great lawyer, but he was a good man. ~ Sidney Fine]] [[File:Justice Frank Murphy headstone.jpg|thumb|]] * Frank Murphy, a Murphy Supreme Court clerk observed, was "a complex, exciting personality who was the living embodiment of an era of political and judicial controversy." Throughout a long and varied public career Murphy was almost continuously associated with great events, events that helped to define the nature of the times in which he lived. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Preface, p. vii * Murphy's shortcomings as a justice are evident enough. He did not work very hard, and he made no serious effort to fill the gaps in his legal knowledge. Insufficiently concerned with process and overly concerned with results, he does not appear to have given much thought to the limits of his authority. Although he devoted a good deal of attention to particular cases and although the opinions that carry his name faithfully reflected his views, he did very little writing on his own, relying very heavily for that task on his clerks. He took voting seriously, and his presence on the Court helped to determine both the kinds of cases the Court selected for review and the decisions it ultimately rendered; but he was always more the "soloist" on the Court rather than a member of the "orchestra," to use Frankfurter's musical analogy for the role of the justice. Unlike Frankfurter, he made little effort in conference to help shape the Court's view of the cases and equally scant effort to influence the character of the opinions written by fellow justices. It was in the role of the dissenter, the role of the "underdog judge pleading for an underdog litigant," that Murphy was most comfortable; along with his 130 Court opinions and twenty concurring opinions, he wrote sixty-nine dissents.<br>'''It would no doubt have been a disaster to have a Supreme Court made up of nine Frank Murphys. It was good nevertheless for the Court of the 1940s to have as a member someone who pursued justice so ardently, who never lost sight of the human aspects of a case, who could unabashedly extol "sentimental tenderness" as a judicial virtue, who had the "creative imagination" to see beyond he immediate problem before him, and whose opinions could be understood by everyday people. "All great courts," one writer has asserted, "need an occasional good man among the great lawyers." Frank Murphy was not a great lawyer, but he was a good man.''' ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 594 * "I have never deviated from the path I set for myself when I first started in public life," Murphy wrote an old friend in 1948. "So many public servants are new-born liberals only to be sound conservatives the next day[,] forgetting the inarticulate and the plundered poor." It is not unusual for individuals to reconstruct their past to make it conform to the present, and Murphy chose to forget some "deviations from the path." There was, nevertheless, a remarkable consistency to his public career. He was, from an early date, a believer in a reformative brand of criminal justice, the merit system, ethnic diversity, and the welfare state. He was throughout his public career a supporter of organized labor and a devoted and caring friend of the jobless, the poor, the afflicted, and the unfortunate. His active defense of civil liberties as a Supreme Court justice was foretold by his record before joining the Court.<br>Murphy's career was distinguished not only by its consistency but by its anticipation of the future. He identified with organized labor and sensed its coming power when it was still weak and shunned by ambitious politicians. He was a New Dealer before there was a New Deal, an advocate of the welfare state before there was a welfare state, and a pioneer in the transformation of the federal system that occurred during the Roosevelt era. He helped pave the way for the role the Justice Department would eventually play in the civil rights struggle, and his dissents of the 1940s anticipated the Warren Court of the 1960s. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595 * Murphy was driven by self-love and a never-relaxing ambition, but self-love and ambition did not dictate the causes with which he chose to become identified as a public official. "If I can only feel, when my day is done," Murphy had written as a junior in college, "that I have accomplished something towards uplifting the poor, uneducated, unfortunate, ten hour a day, laborer... I will be satisfied that I have been worth while." Judged by this criterion, Murphy's career was certainly "worth while." Flawed like all men, Frank Murphy still impresses as one of the more admirable figures in public life during three tumultuous decades in the nation's history. It is not difficult to agree with the judgement of a ''Detroit News'' article that the world was a better place for his having been there. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595-596 * Murphy fought against discrimination in many forms. He was the first justice to include the word "racism" in an opinion, in his vehement dissent in ''Korematsu v. United States'' (1944). In ''Falbo v. United States'' (1944), he wrote, "The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution." ** Jill Silos-Rooney, [https://www.thoughtco.com/most-liberal-supreme-court-justices-3325462/"The 7 Most Liberal Supreme Court Justices in American History"], ThoughtCo, 30 June 2019 * If one uses the term ''influence'' in a rough and ready sense, stripping it of complexities, one can reduce its central tension to one issue: what really counts in determining influence, technical proficiency or result orientation? It has long been conventional wisdom in academic circles to insist that only the former counts, that the latter is ephemeral and even unbecoming to the image of a profession guided in its judgments by analytical reasoning. Recently this wisdom may have diminished in stature, but it is still powerful enough to exclude, for example, any consideration of Justice Frank Murphy as an influential Supreme Court justice, despite his consistent support for liberal positions that were vindicated after his tenure, because of his lack of interest or skill in professional techniques of legal analysis. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 38 * The Murphy example haunts discussions of Earl Warren's influence. What, after all, were the differences between Murphy and Warren? Murphy was occasionally an heroic dissenter in history's eyes, as in ''Korematsu v. United States'', where he alone explicitly labeled the incarceration of Japanese-Americans a racist policy. Warren never took a comparably isolated and retrospectively noble posture. To be sure, Murphy's dissents sometimes appear more eccentric than heroic, but consider Warren's position in ''Marchetti v. United States'', where his dissent reduces itself to the proposition that gamblers should not be accorded Fifth Amendment rights because they are gamblers. Murphy may have lost stature with a certain group of constituents for having been a politician rather than a judge before coming to the Court, for squiring women around Washington, and for occasionally confessing that he sometimes yearned to leave the Court to participate more fully in the world of politics. But Warren had also been a politician before being named chief justice, read sports pages and went to baseball games, and agreed to chair the Warren Commission when others thought the task unseemly or undignified. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 39 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murphy, Frank}} [[Category:Politicians from Michigan]] [[Category:Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States]] [[Category:United States Attorneys General]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Legal scholars]] [[Category:Mayors from the United States]] [[Category:University of Michigan alumni]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Governors of Michigan]] hufrigf4am2cjbpu0bdjwdkwx6n0iv4 3944279 3944278 2026-05-22T20:53:13Z AC9016 2870313 3944279 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Justice Frank Murphy.jpg|thumb|The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.]] '''[[w:Frank Murphy|William Francis Murphy]]''' (April 13, 1890 – July 19, 1949) was an American politician, lawyer, and [[w:jurist|jurist]] from [[Michigan]]. He was a [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrat]] who was named to the [[Supreme Court of the United States]] in 1940 after a political career that included serving as [[w:United States Attorney General|United States Attorney General]], 35th [[w:governor of Michigan|governor of Michigan]], and [[w:List of mayors of Detroit|Mayor of Detroit]]. He also served as the last [[w:Governor-General of the Philippines|Governor-General of the Philippines]] and the first [[w:High Commissioner to the Philippines|High Commissioner to the Philippines]]. [[File:Inside the United States Supreme Court.jpg|thumb|Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.]] [[File:Newest member of U.S. Supreme Court, Frank Murphy, former Atty. General, Feb. 1940 LCCN2016877045.jpg|thumb|Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.]] [[File:JapaneseAmericanGrocer1942.jpg|thumb|This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.]] [[File:Dr Seuss - 5th Column, 1942.png|thumb|I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States.]] [[File:Arcadia, California. Dressed in uniform marking service in the first World War, this veteran enters . . . - NARA - 537044.jpg|thumb|All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.]] == Quotes == === [[w:Falbo v. United States|''Falbo v. United States'']] (3 January 1944) === :<small>Murphy authored the dissenting opinion and was the sole dissenting vote in the Supreme Court's 8-1 decision[https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep320/usrep320549/usrep320549.pdf].</small> * '''Individual rights have been recognized by our jurisprudence only after long and costly struggles. They should not be struck down by anything less than the gravest necessity.''' We assent to their temporary suspension only to the extent that they constitute a clear and present danger to the effective prosecution of the war and only as a means of preserving those rights undiminished for ourselves and future generations. Before giving such an assent, therefore, we should be convinced of the existence of a reasonable necessity and be satisfied that the suspension is in accordance with the legislative intention. ** p. 320 U.S. 556 * '''Common sense and justice dictate that a citizen accused of a crime should have the fullest hearing possible, plus the opportunity to present every reasonable defense. Only an unenlightened jurisprudence condemns an individual without according him those rights.''' Such a denial is especially oppressive where a full hearing might disclose that the administrative action underlying the prosecution is the product of excess wartime emotions. ** p. 320 U.S. 556-557 * Experience demonstrates that in time of war individual liberties cannot always be entrusted safely to uncontrolled administrative discretion. Illustrative of this proposition is the remark attributed to one of the members of petitioner's local board to the effect that "I do not have any damned use for Jehovah's Witnesses." The presumption against foreclosing the defense of illegal and arbitrary administrative action is therefore strong. ** p. 320 U.S. 557 * Criminal punishment for disobedience of an arbitrary and invalid order is objectionable regardless of whether the order be interlocutory or final. ** p. 320 U.S. 558 * That an individual should languish in prison for five years without being accorded the opportunity of proving that the prosecution was based upon arbitrary and illegal administrative action is not in keeping with the high standards of our judicial system. Especially is this so where neither public necessity nor rule of law or statute leads inexorably to such a harsh result. '''The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution.''' I can perceive no other course for the law to take in this case. ** p. 320 U.S. 561 === [[w:Korematsu v. United States|''Korematsu v. United States'']] (18 December 1944) === :<small>Murphy wrote a dissenting opinion for the 7-3 decision in ''Korematsu'', joined by Justices Roberts and [[Robert H. Jackson|Jackson]][https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/ll/usrep/usrep323/usrep323214/usrep323214.pdf].</small> * '''This exclusion of "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," from the Pacific Coast area on a plea of military necessity in the absence of martial law ought not to be approved. Such exclusion goes over "the very brink of constitutional power" and falls into the ugly abyss of racism.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 233 * The judicial test of whether the Government, on a plea of military necessity, can validly deprive an individual of any of his constitutional rights is whether the deprivation is reasonably related to a public danger that is so "imme diate, imminent, and impending" as not to admit of delay and not to permit the intervention of ordinary constitutional processes to alleviate the danger. Civilian Exclusion Order No. 34, banishing from a prescribed area of the Pacific Coast "all persons of Japanese ancestry, both alien and non-alien," clearly does not meet that test. Being an obvious racial discrimination, the order deprives all those within its scope of the equal protection of the laws as guaranteed by the Fifth Amendment. It further deprives these individuals of their constitutional rights to live and work where they will, to establish a home where they choose and to move about freely. In excommunicating them without benefit of hearings, this order also deprives them of all their constitutional rights to procedural due process. Yet no reasonable relation to an "immediate, imminent, and impending" public danger is evident to support this racial restriction which is one of the most sweeping and complete deprivations of constitutional rights in the history of this nation in the absence of martial law. ** p. 323 U.S. 234-235 * It must be conceded that the military and naval situation in the spring of 1942 was such as to generate a very real fear of invasion of the Pacific Coast, accompanied by fears of sabotage and espionage in that area. The military command was therefore justified in adopting all reasonable means necessary to combat these dangers. In adjudging the military action taken in light of the then apparent dangers, we must not erect too high or too meticulous standards; it is necessary only that the action have some reasonable relation to the removal of the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. But the exclusion, either temporarily or permanently, of all persons with Japanese blood in their veins has no such reasonable relation. And that relation is lacking because the exclusion order necessarily must rely for its reasonableness upon the assumption that ''all'' persons of Japanese ancestry may have a dangerous tendency to commit sabotage and espionage and to aid our Japanese enemy in other ways. It is difficult to believe that reason, logic or experience could be marshalled in support of such an assumption. ** p. 323 U.S. 235 * The main reasons relied upon by those responsible for the forced evacuation, therefore, do not prove a reasonable relation between the group characteristics of Japanese Americans and the dangers of invasion, sabotage and espionage. The reasons appear, instead, to be largely an accumulation of much of the misinformation, half-truths and insinuations that for years have been directed against Japanese Americans by people with racial and economic prejudices-the same people who have been among the foremost advocates of the evacuation.' ** p. 323 U.S. 239 * No one denies, of course, that there were some disloyal persons of Japanese descent on the Pacific Coast who did all in their power to aid their ancestral land. Similar disloyal activities have been engaged in by many persons of German, Italian and even more pioneer stock in our country. But to infer that examples of individual disloyalty prove group disloyalty and justify discriminatory action against the entire group is to deny that under our system of law individual guilt is the sole basis for deprivation of rights. Moreover, this inference, which is at the very heart of the evacuation orders, has been used in support of the abhorrent and despicable treatment of minority groups by the dictatorial tyrannies which this nation is now pledged to destroy. To give constitutional sanction to that inference in this case, however well-intentioned may have been the military command on the Pacific Coast, is to adopt one of the cruelest of the rationales used by our enemies to destroy the dignity of the individual and to encourage and open the door to discriminatory actions against other minority groups in the passions of tomorrow. ** p. 323 U.S. 240 * No adequate reason is given for the failure to treat these Japanese Americans on an individual basis by holding investigations and hearings to separate the loyal from the disloyal, as was done in the case of persons of German and Italian ancestry. Yet nearly four months elapsed after Pearl Harbor before the first exclusion order was issued; nearly eight months went by until the last order was is sued; and the last of these "subversive" persons was not actually removed until almost eleven months had elapsed. Leisure and deliberation seem to have been more of the essence than speed. And the fact that conditions were not such as to warrant a declaration of martial law adds strength to the belief that the factors of time and military necessity were not as urgent as they have been represented to be. ** p. 323 U.S. 241 * '''Any inconvenience that may have accompanied an attempt to conform to procedural due process cannot be said to justify violations of constitutional rights of individuals.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 * '''I dissent, therefore, from this legalization of racism. Racial discrimination in any form and in any degree has no justifiable part whatever in our democratic way life. It is unattractive in any setting but it is utterly revolting among a free people who have embraced the principles set forth in the Constitution of the United States. All residents of this nation are kin in some way by blood or culture to a foreign land. Yet they are primarily and necessarily a part of the new and distinct civilization of the United States. They must accordingly be treated at all times as the heirs of the American experiment and as entitled to all the rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution.''' ** p. 323 U.S. 242 == Quotes about Murphy == [[File:SUPREME COURT, U.S. LCCN2016862732.jpg|thumb|It would no doubt have been a disaster to have a Supreme Court made up of nine Frank Murphys. It was good nevertheless for the Court of the 1940s to have as a member someone who pursued justice so ardently, who never lost sight of the human aspects of a case, who could unabashedly extol "sentimental tenderness" as a judicial virtue, who had the "creative imagination" to see beyond he immediate problem before him, and whose opinions could be understood by everyday people. "All great courts," one writer has asserted, "need an occasional good man among the great lawyers." Frank Murphy was not a great lawyer, but he was a good man. ~ Sidney Fine]] [[File:Justice Frank Murphy headstone.jpg|thumb|"If I can only feel, when my day is done," Murphy had written as a junior in college, "that I have accomplished something towards uplifting the poor, uneducated, unfortunate, ten hour a day, laborer... I will be satisfied that I have been worth while." Judged by this criterion, Murphy's career was certainly "worth while." Flawed like all men, Frank Murphy still impresses as one of the more admirable figures in public life during three tumultuous decades in the nation's history. It is not difficult to agree with the judgement of a ''Detroit News'' article that the world was a better place for his having been there. ~ Sidney Fine]] * Frank Murphy, a Murphy Supreme Court clerk observed, was "a complex, exciting personality who was the living embodiment of an era of political and judicial controversy." Throughout a long and varied public career Murphy was almost continuously associated with great events, events that helped to define the nature of the times in which he lived. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Preface, p. vii * Murphy's shortcomings as a justice are evident enough. He did not work very hard, and he made no serious effort to fill the gaps in his legal knowledge. Insufficiently concerned with process and overly concerned with results, he does not appear to have given much thought to the limits of his authority. Although he devoted a good deal of attention to particular cases and although the opinions that carry his name faithfully reflected his views, he did very little writing on his own, relying very heavily for that task on his clerks. He took voting seriously, and his presence on the Court helped to determine both the kinds of cases the Court selected for review and the decisions it ultimately rendered; but he was always more the "soloist" on the Court rather than a member of the "orchestra," to use Frankfurter's musical analogy for the role of the justice. Unlike Frankfurter, he made little effort in conference to help shape the Court's view of the cases and equally scant effort to influence the character of the opinions written by fellow justices. It was in the role of the dissenter, the role of the "underdog judge pleading for an underdog litigant," that Murphy was most comfortable; along with his 130 Court opinions and twenty concurring opinions, he wrote sixty-nine dissents.<br>'''It would no doubt have been a disaster to have a Supreme Court made up of nine Frank Murphys. It was good nevertheless for the Court of the 1940s to have as a member someone who pursued justice so ardently, who never lost sight of the human aspects of a case, who could unabashedly extol "sentimental tenderness" as a judicial virtue, who had the "creative imagination" to see beyond he immediate problem before him, and whose opinions could be understood by everyday people. "All great courts," one writer has asserted, "need an occasional good man among the great lawyers." Frank Murphy was not a great lawyer, but he was a good man.''' ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 594 * "I have never deviated from the path I set for myself when I first started in public life," Murphy wrote an old friend in 1948. "So many public servants are new-born liberals only to be sound conservatives the next day[,] forgetting the inarticulate and the plundered poor." It is not unusual for individuals to reconstruct their past to make it conform to the present, and Murphy chose to forget some "deviations from the path." There was, nevertheless, a remarkable consistency to his public career. He was, from an early date, a believer in a reformative brand of criminal justice, the merit system, ethnic diversity, and the welfare state. He was throughout his public career a supporter of organized labor and a devoted and caring friend of the jobless, the poor, the afflicted, and the unfortunate. His active defense of civil liberties as a Supreme Court justice was foretold by his record before joining the Court.<br>Murphy's career was distinguished not only by its consistency but by its anticipation of the future. He identified with organized labor and sensed its coming power when it was still weak and shunned by ambitious politicians. He was a New Dealer before there was a New Deal, an advocate of the welfare state before there was a welfare state, and a pioneer in the transformation of the federal system that occurred during the Roosevelt era. He helped pave the way for the role the Justice Department would eventually play in the civil rights struggle, and his dissents of the 1940s anticipated the Warren Court of the 1960s. ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595 * Murphy was driven by self-love and a never-relaxing ambition, but self-love and ambition did not dictate the causes with which he chose to become identified as a public official. '''"If I can only feel, when my day is done," Murphy had written as a junior in college, "that I have accomplished something towards uplifting the poor, uneducated, unfortunate, ten hour a day, laborer... I will be satisfied that I have been worth while." Judged by this criterion, Murphy's career was certainly "worth while." Flawed like all men, Frank Murphy still impresses as one of the more admirable figures in public life during three tumultuous decades in the nation's history. It is not difficult to agree with the judgement of a ''Detroit News'' article that the world was a better place for his having been there.''' ** Sidney Fine, ''Frank Murphy: The Washington Years'' (1984), Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press, hardcover, Chapter XXIII, p. 595-596 * Murphy fought against discrimination in many forms. He was the first justice to include the word "racism" in an opinion, in his vehement dissent in ''Korematsu v. United States'' (1944). In ''Falbo v. United States'' (1944), he wrote, "The law knows no finer hour than when it cuts through formal concepts and transitory emotions to protect unpopular citizens against discrimination and persecution." ** Jill Silos-Rooney, [https://www.thoughtco.com/most-liberal-supreme-court-justices-3325462/"The 7 Most Liberal Supreme Court Justices in American History"], ThoughtCo, 30 June 2019 * If one uses the term ''influence'' in a rough and ready sense, stripping it of complexities, one can reduce its central tension to one issue: what really counts in determining influence, technical proficiency or result orientation? It has long been conventional wisdom in academic circles to insist that only the former counts, that the latter is ephemeral and even unbecoming to the image of a profession guided in its judgments by analytical reasoning. Recently this wisdom may have diminished in stature, but it is still powerful enough to exclude, for example, any consideration of Justice Frank Murphy as an influential Supreme Court justice, despite his consistent support for liberal positions that were vindicated after his tenure, because of his lack of interest or skill in professional techniques of legal analysis. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 38 * The Murphy example haunts discussions of Earl Warren's influence. What, after all, were the differences between Murphy and Warren? Murphy was occasionally an heroic dissenter in history's eyes, as in ''Korematsu v. United States'', where he alone explicitly labeled the incarceration of Japanese-Americans a racist policy. Warren never took a comparably isolated and retrospectively noble posture. To be sure, Murphy's dissents sometimes appear more eccentric than heroic, but consider Warren's position in ''Marchetti v. United States'', where his dissent reduces itself to the proposition that gamblers should not be accorded Fifth Amendment rights because they are gamblers. Murphy may have lost stature with a certain group of constituents for having been a politician rather than a judge before coming to the Court, for squiring women around Washington, and for occasionally confessing that he sometimes yearned to leave the Court to participate more fully in the world of politics. But Warren had also been a politician before being named chief justice, read sports pages and went to baseball games, and agreed to chair the Warren Commission when others thought the task unseemly or undignified. ** G. Edward White, "Earl Warren's Influence on the Supreme Court," printed in ''The Warren Court in Historical and Political Perspective'' (1993), Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, hardcover, p. 39 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murphy, Frank}} [[Category:Politicians from Michigan]] [[Category:Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States]] [[Category:United States Attorneys General]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Legal scholars]] [[Category:Mayors from the United States]] [[Category:University of Michigan alumni]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1890 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Governors of Michigan]] pe830hyv5t2gu0tm27vwvh29h8dq71o 0 305952 3944424 3940192 2026-05-23T10:20:58Z Iago PUC 2458636 3944424 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DEFAULTSORT:Super Mario Galaxy Movie, The}}{{italic title}}'''''{{w|The Super Mario Galaxy Movie}}''''' is a 2026 American 3D computer-animated surreal comedy-adventure film for all ages produced by [[Nintendo]] and [[w:Illumination (company)|Illumination]]. It is a sequel to ''[[The Super Mario Bros. Movie]]'' and based on the 2007 [[w:Wii|Wii]] game. After saving Brookyn, Mario (voiced by [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]]) and Luigi (voiced by [[w:Charlie Day|Charlie Day]]) joins Princess Peach (voiced by [[w:Anya Taylor-Joy|Anya Taylor-Joy]]) and Toad (voiced by [[w:Keegan-Michael Key|Keegan-Michael Key]]) on a journey across the galaxy to rescue Peach's long-lost sister, Rosalina (voiced by [[w:Brie Larson|Brie Larson]]), from Bowser's (voiced by [[w:Jack Black|Jack Black]]) son, Bowser Jr. (voiced by [[w:Benny Safdie|Benny Safdie]]). The brothers are also joined by Yoshi (voiced by [[w:Donald Glover|Donald Glover]]). It was released in April 1, 2026. :''Directed by {{w|Aaron Horvath}} and {{w|Michael Jelenic}}. Written by Matthew Fogel.'' {{film-stub}} ==Mario== ==Princess Peach== * ''(in a letter for Mario)'' Dear Mustache. I've gone to the Gateway Galaxy to begin my search for the Luma's mom. I'm leaving the kingdom in your hands. Sincerely, Peach. ==Luigi== ==Princess Rosalina== ==Bowser Jr.== *From the ashes of his father's defeat rises a new conqueror. The Bowser name shall be feared once more! *I’m Bowser Jr., and I’m gonna be taking my father… '''now!''' *Princess Rosalina! You’re coming with me! ==Dialogue== :'''Rosalina''': Once upon a time, there was a brave and noble princess named...Peach. She was the great protector of the Mushroom Kingdom. Her story begins many years ago- :'''Red Luma''': I wanna hear the story about the plumbers! :'''Rosalina''': We did that one last night. And the night before, and the night before. :'''Red Luma''': ''[chanting]'' Plumber! Plumber! Plumber! :'''Lumas''': ''[chanting]'' Plumber! Plumber! Plumber! Plumber! :'''Rosalina''': ''[chuckles or giggles, then laughs warmly]'' Okay, okay. <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> :''[On top of the castle, Princess Peach watches the festivities by herself]'' :'''Mario:''' Hey, you're missing your own party. ''[sits down next to her]'' :'''Peach:''' Hm. I hate birthdays. :'''Mario:''' Yeah. Luigi spent his tenth birthday crying. Said his childhood was over. :'''Peach:''' Well, the crazy thing is... it's not my real birthday. It's just the day the Toads found me. They have no idea where I came from. I've lived my entire life wondering where my family is. :'''Mario:''' That must be so hard. :'''Peach:''' Sometimes, I just feel so... lost. :'''Mario:''' Guess since it's not your actual birthday... ''[Mario pulls out the pink box.]'' ...You don't want a present. :'''Peach:''' Mario! ''[laughs and playfully punches Mario's arm]'' :'''Mario:''' ''[pained laughing]'' Fine. Fine. ''[hands Peach the box]'' :'''Peach''': ''[opens the box to reveal a pink parasol with a heart-shaped handle. She reacts excitedly about it, and laughs softly]'' I love it. <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Bowser:''' ''[laughs some, then happily]'' Hey, Luigi! ''[blandly]'' What's up, Mario? ''[shows them a painting he made of a 'handsome' version of himself with Peach with much pride]'' Behold, I made a masterpiece for Princess Peach! What do you think? And be honest. :'''Luigi:''' Love the colors! :'''Mario:''' The criticism I give you is it's ''trash''. :'''Bowser:''' ''[angrily]'' How dare you look at my masterpiece and say that?! YOU THINK PAINTING IS EASY?! '''''I'LL BURN THE SKIN OFF YOUR BONES!!!''' [holds a pause, returns to being calm and happy]'' Wow. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry about that. That's the old Bowser talking. Still working through my demons, I suppose. <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Fox McCloud|Fox]]''': So, tell me this: Why is a princess trying to get to the most dangerous place in the galaxy? :'''Toad''': ''[awed]'' Who are you? :'''Fox''': ''[sternly] Don't'' ask me personal questions. :'''Toad''': Oh. I'm sorry, I-- :'''Fox''': I'm Fox McCloud! Leader of the legendary [[w:Star Fox|Star Fox]] team! I only care about three things: keeping the Lylat System safe, fighting with my buds, and doing extreme dangerous barrel rolls! Let's go! Then one day, my warp drive exploded. Blew a giant hole in the fabric of space and time and I got sucked into a different universe. That's what I get for making a frog my engineer. And now I roam your galaxy trying to find a way home, doing good when the price is right. Oh, and I also have cool space boots. :'''Toad''': Whoa... :'''Peach''': Now that's the backstory of the guy who's going to take us to the Space Junk Galaxy. :'''Fox''': How desperate for money do you think I am? ''[a bag of large gold coins is tossed at his feet]'' All right, you've got a deal. I'll fuel up the Arwing. We'll take off in five. :'''Toad''': That was the coolest dude I've ever seen. <hr width=50%/> ''[After falling into the lava pit and seemingly perishing, Bowser resurfaces as Dry Bowser]'' :'''Dry Bowser''': I AM THE LORD OF BONES! I AM THE SKULL KING!! :'''Bowser Jr.''': ''[transforms into Wonder Bowser Jr., and then in Fury Bowser Jr.]'' And I am his son! ''[they let out a terrifying roar]'' <hr width=50%/> <hr width=50%/> :'''Dry Bowser:''' Don't worry, son. No jail can hold us. :'''Bowser Jr.:''' ''[digging]'' We'll be out of here soon. ''[They are interrupted by a police baton being rapped slowly against the bars. Moving in front of their cell is the blue Luma who was originally captured by Bowser, Lumalee, wearing a prison officer cap.]'' :'''Lumalee''': Hello, maggots. Tryin' to escape? ''[Dry Bowser and Bowser Jr. gasp]'' You're gonna play by my rules now. ''[Bowser Jr. huddles by his father's skull and whimpers]'' :'''Dry Bowser''': Stay close, son. She won't break us. :'''Lumalee''': First goes the body, then goes the bones. ''[giggle]'' Then all that's left is dust. :'''Bowser''': ''[nervously]'' You be quiet! Right now! :'''Lumalee''': You can't silence the truth. It only makes it louder! Like the approaching drumbeat... of death! ''[laughs]'' Boom, boom, boom... :''[Both Dry Bowser and Junior scream in fear]'' <hr width=50%/> ==Cast== * {{w|Chris Pratt}} — {{w|Mario}} * {{w|Anya Taylor-Joy}} — {{w|Princess Peach}} * {{w|Charlie Day}} — [[w:Luigi (character)|Luigi]] * [[Jack Black]] — {{w|Bowser}} * {{w|Keegan-Michael Key}} — [[w:Toad (Nintendo)|Toad]] * {{w|Benny Safdie}} — {{w|Bowser Jr.}} * {{w|Donald Glover}} — {{w|Yoshi}} * [[Brie Larson]] — [[w:Rosalina (Mario)|Princess Rosalina]] * [[Issa Rae]] — Honey Queen * {{w|Luis Guzmán}} — Wart * {{w|Kevin Michael Richardson}} — Kamek * {{w|Glen Powell}} — {{w|Fox McCloud}} * Juliet Jelenic — Lumalee * Ed Skudder — R.O.B. ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|28650488|The Super Mario Galaxy Movie}} [[Category:2026 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2026 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films based on video games]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films about turtles]] [[Category:Animated films about dinosaurs]] [[Category:Animated films about twin brothers]] [[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films set in New York]] [[Category:Films set in Mexico]] [[Category:Films about size change]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Mario (franchise)]] [[Category:Films directed by Aaron Horvath]] 5cvhwhpdwcnn1z6qp8dx95daryudprw 0 306167 3944294 3944042 2026-05-22T22:46:20Z DemonDrake 3100809 3944294 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 3|3]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 4|4]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 5|5]] [[The Boys (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Boys (TV series)|The Boys]]''''' is an American superhero television series developed by Eric Kripke for [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Amazon Prime Video]]. Based on the comic book of the same name by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, it follows the eponymous team of vigilantes as they combat superpowered individuals who abuse their abilities. ==''"Fifteen Inches of Sheer Dynamite"'' [5.01]== :''[Homelander meets with Sister Sage after the Flight 37 video gets leaked to the public by Annie]'' :'''Sister Sage''': We knew this would happen sooner or later. We've been ready. In the last 24 hours, we have flooded the zone with so much disinformation, people can't tell their clit from their collarbone. The share price is only down half a point. Besides that, damage is minimal. :'''Homelander''': ''[points at open book]'' What's this? :'''Sister Sage''': That is a Gutenberg Bible. Martin Shkreli sold it to me at discount. :'''Homelander''': You're really on top of the world, huh? Peter Thiel, the Obamas calling you for advice. Everyone loves you.  :'''Sister Sage''': You can't really think I care. :'''Homelander''': Maybe you didn't used to. :'''Sister Sage''': It's all for you. The higher the share price, the happier the billionaires. The more you get to do whatever the fuck you wanna do. :'''Homelander''': Are you aware that NNC is calling me a murderer? Saying that maybe I even did something to my son? :'''Sister Sage''': No. Everyone knows that Ryan is... ''[sighs]'' Sorry. That he is at boarding school. In Svalbard. ''[chuckling]'' That story's holding. We're good. :'''Homelander''': And how–how about you, Sage? Are you… good? :'''Sister Sage''': I'm fine. :'''Homelander''': You're not distracted at all? After Thomas Godolkin dumped you? You're not numbing the heartache by stabbing your brain? :'''Sister Sage''': No. :'''Homelander''': Then, just tell me. How did Starlight get in the building? ''[beat; exhales]'' I WAS '''HUMILIATED!''' As if people don't hate me enough! :'''Sister Sage''': Your numbers are north of 96. :'''Homelander''': Anyone can smile for the pollsters, sure, but millions of them are still Starlighters in their hearts! Where it counts! Have you seen the memes? Have you seen the ''memes'' about me?! ''[brief pause]'' Posting them should be a crime. :'''Sister Sage''': Yes, but we can't go... ''[notices Homelander glaring at her]'' Oh, you're serious. Uh, sir... ''[chuckles]'' Ongoing conflict is useful to us. It keeps people afraid… :'''Homelander''': Shut up. :'''Sister Sage''': …which is exactly what we– :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no, no! NO! You promised me Caesar. :'''Sister Sage''': He was stabbed by his best friends. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, well, I can relate to that! But I need people to be ''devoted!'' To '''''me!''''' :'''Sister Sage''': May I speak freely? :'''Homelander''': Give it a shot. :'''Sister Sage''': I told you, no matter how much power you amass, it will not make you happy. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You know what's gonna make me happy? I think I'll be happy when Starlight and William Butcher are corpses. I want it leaked that in three days, we are going to execute Hugh Campbell, Milk, and the... French one. That'll draw out Starlight and Butcher, and then I will take care of this once and for all. :'''Sister Sage''': Consider it done, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Oh, wow. Your skin is so oily, like hugging a McRib. :'''Annie''': Wait, did you—Did you just... How?! :'''Kimiko''': Speech therapy and fucking therapy therapy and so much fucking TikTok. :'''Annie''': Well, you sure sound like you're on TikTok. :'''Butcher''': Sixteen-hour flight and not a fucking peep. :'''Kimiko''': 'Cause all you can say is "Oi, oi, oi. Cunt, cunt, cunt". :'''Butcher''': I liked her better with her mouth shut. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Annie''': Took you long enough. Slowing down in your old age? :'''A-Train''': ''[laughs and hugs Annie]'' Fuck you, [[w:Killing of JonBenét Ramsey|JonBenét]]. :'''Kimiko''': You guys are friends? :'''A-Train''': You talk? :'''Kimiko''': Mm-hmm. :'''Annie''': Reggie's been helping us out for a while. :'''A-Train''': ''[takes drink from Annie]'' Thanks. Where is everybody? ''[pause]'' I heard about the Pittsburgh raid last month. Go Marie Moreau. How's her team doing? :'''Annie''': Yeah, they're scoring a few wins, but not nearly enough. :'''A-Train''': So, what's with the 911? :'''Annie''': Hughie, M.M. and Frenchie are gonna be executed tomorrow, so we need your help to break them out. :'''A-Train''': Of a Vought prison camp? You're fucking crazy. :'''Annie''': Listen, you don't have to fight, okay? We just need you to run them to the extraction point. It's easy. :'''A-Train''': Easy. Right. You know Homelander's gonna be waiting. I can't. :'''Annie''': We know how to kill him, okay? But we need Frenchie to do it. :'''A-Train''': Great. Well, good luck with that. :'''Annie''': Hey, are you gonna keep running forever? I mean, if we're gonna really take him out, we need your help. :'''A-Train''': So what, I'm just supposed to join this little fucking supergroup? :'''Annie''': I mean, we are down one asshоlе, so… Yeah, maybe. :'''A-Train''': ''[pause]'' No. :'''Annie''': Why not? :'''A-Train''': I said I can't. :'''Annie''': I know you're scared… :'''A-Train''': No, I'm not fucking scared! I got a family to protect. ''[Annie sighs]'' I can't. :'''Annie''': I get it, I do. Me, too. ''[pause]'' Keep them safe. :''[Annie and Kimiko watch A-Train run off]'' :'''Kimiko''': We shouldn't have let him go. :'''Annie''': No. Homelander fuckеd him up. Fuckеd me up, too. We're gonna need an Exit Plan B. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie, Frenchie and Mother's Milk go over their escape plan]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so we hit the east gate. :'''Frenchie''': ''Oui'', Petit Hughie, when the guards change shift. :'''Hughie''': And we go at dawn. :'''Mother's Milk''': We've been through this. :'''Hughie''': I know. I just wanna go over it a few more times just so I can get it in my head. :'''Mother's Milk''': Hughie… ''[holds out moonshine jar]'' Take a fuckin' drink, will you? :'''Hughie''': No, thanks. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shrugs; to Frenchie]'' ''Mon ami?'' :'''Frenchie''': You know I quit. :'''Mother's Milk''': Leave it up to you to have your shit the tightest you've ever had it in a fuckin' internment camp. :'''Frenchie''': Yeah, what about you? Have you been eating the fresh produce I smuggle in? :'''Mother's Milk''': Moonshine's got corn in it. ''[takes a sip of moonshine]'' :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Hughie]'' Hey… Don't worry. Annie will be fine. She's strong. :'''Hughie''': ''[takes liquor bottle from Frenchie]'' Kimiko, too.  :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Y'all mοthеrfuckеrs are trippin'. Y'all don't know what the fuck's going on with them. ''[to Frenchie]'' Hey, you don't even know where Kimiko's at. :'''Hughie''': What, so you don't think you're gonna see Janine and Monique again? Is that it? :'''Mother's Milk''': What I know is that they're a shit ton safer without me making a mess out of their lives. :'''Hughie''': M.M., you're the strongest guy I know. We've been in tougher spots than this. :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, I did two tours in the 3/8 in Farah Province. The shit I saw would ''fuck you up''. And even that was [[w:Emily in Paris|''Emily in Paris'']] compared to the shit that we looking at here. And even if we make it outta here, we ain't surviving this fuckin' war. We are dead men walking. Chin-chin, mοthеrfuckеrs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie is shocked to see all of his prison bunkmates brutally murdered in their bunker. He sees Homelander sitting on his bed reading from his journal.]'' :'''Homelander''': "Well, Annie, today marks two months. It's a little insane how much I miss you. I've been having trouble eating. Every day, I see people giving up, but not me. Because I have you." It's very, very sweet. :'''Hughie''': They were innocent. :'''Homelander''': Oh… ''[looks briefly at one of the corpses]'' Well, I'd hardly call them innocent. They lied to me. Played dumb about your little stash in the wall there. We've known about that for quite some time, but I just wanted to give you a little hope. :'''Hughie''': You're not the one who gave it to me, asshоlе. :'''Homelander''': Ooh, I like Internment Camp Hughie. She's zesty. :'''Hughie''': Fuck you. Do it. :'''Homelander''': What? :'''Hughie''': Kill me. :'''Homelander''': Not until we flush out Butcher and Starlight. :'''Hughie''': You think they're dumb enough to just walk right into your trap? :'''Homelander''': Let's not insult each other. We both know they're coming. ''[throws the journal at Hughie's feet]'' Do you remember when we first met? :'''Hughie''': How could I forget? :'''Homelander''': Believe Festival. I tried to cleanse your soul. I remember thinking... ''[sighs]'' "Why him?" What does Starlight see in this gangly simp that reeks of fear and Strawberry Smoothie kids' shampoo? You know, William and Victoria Neuman love you, too. I mean, I get it from your perspective. You're punching up. Good for you. But why are they so hopelessly devoted to such staggering mediocrity? Why would Starlight and Butcher piss away their lives to try and rescue you? :'''Hughie''': Because I'd do it for them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher and Kimiko find Hughie, Frenchie and Mother's Milk tied up and gagged by Homelander when they break into the Vought internment camp]'' :'''Hughie''': Butcher?! Oh, fuck. :'''Homelander''': ''[waves]'' Surprise. Welcome, William. ''[to Kimiko]'' And you. The gang is almost all here. Oh, and uh, ''[looks down at Mother's Milk]'' you never told me that this one's nickname is... Mother's Milk. ''[licks his lips; laughs]'' Okay. So, what's the big plan? What, are you gonna sandbag me with the Godolkin virus? ''[Butcher looks shocked]'' Yes. I know all about it. :'''Kimiko''': Suck my fat dіck! :''[Homelander lasers Kimiko in half. The top half of her body falls to the floor.]'' :'''Homelander''': Hey, where's Starlight? Just doesn't feel like a party without my little lightning bug here... ''[pause; stares at Butcher]'' Jesus Christ, William. You've got a viper's nest in there. I'd heard about it, of course. But seeing it for myself, it's uh… it–it's incredible. I mean, it's fucking disgusting of course, but it's–it's beautiful. What you've done to yourself, what you've become… and you did all that for me? ''[pause]'' Now that… ''that'' is devotion. You know, William, I know we're not exactly equals, but I'm compelled to say… you are the only one that's ever challenged me. And there's a part of me that will be sad to see you go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A-Train gets badly injured while being chased by Homelander, who eventually catches up to him]'' :'''Homelander''': Looks like someone ''can'' catch the A-Train after all. End of the road, buddy boy. :''[A-Train starts laughing at Homelander as he gets back up]'' :'''Homelander''': What's so funny? :'''A-Train''': What was I so afraid of? You are… fucking nothing. :'''Homelander''': Really? :''[Homelander lifts A-Train and pins him against a tree]'' :'''A-Train''': ''[grunts]'' Really. You're just an empty fucking suit. Take away these powers… and what are you, huh? A pathetic… weak… sniveling fucking loser. :''[Homelander wraps his hand around A-Train's neck and slowly chokes him. A-Train continues laughing until Homelander snaps his neck, killing him instantly.]'' ==''"Teenage Kix"'' [5.02]== :'''Oh Father''': We fight hellfire with holy fire! We fight with the ballot box! We fight with the ammo box! Matthew 10:34 — "I do not come to bring the peace, but a sword"! You are not here to be blessed, you are here to do war! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Goddammit, A-Train. It didn't need to come to this. I don't know, you left me no choice! I know that my leadership style can be stern, but it was for your own good! I like to think of myself as the big brother that you never had. You remember that girlfriend you had? Uh... Pop... Popfang. Betrayed us both to William Butcher, no less. Huge mess, your fault. What did I do? ''What did I do?'' I gave you a chance to make things right, I reached out my hand... and you bit it! What did I ever do to deserve that? What, was I too nurturing? Too forgiving? Well, maybe. But dammit, you weren't like the others: Snakes, backstabbers. I could count on you, man. I ''did'' count on you. I loved you... but here we are. Why does this keep happening to me? I guess the strongest men are the most alone. You wouldn't understand. Nobody does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander releases Soldier Boy from his cryogenic chamber at Vought Tower. Soldier Boy wakes up the next morning in Homelander's bedroom.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay, I don't wanna hurt you. You're safe, okay? You've been in deep freeze again. :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, Jesus Christ. For how long? :'''Homelander''': Almost two years in a CIA black site. I just found out this morning. :'''Soldier Boy''': You found out this morning? :'''Homelander''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But that just happens to be in your room? ''[pause]'' Did you fuck me? :'''Homelander''': ''[legitimately confused]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this some kind of incest thing? :'''Homelander''': No! :'''Soldier Boy''': Then, what the fuck is this? :'''Homelander''': ''[stammers]'' Look, I... I want you to find William Butcher. :'''Soldier Boy''': Find him yourself. :'''Homelander''': Well, the people that work for me are limited. And you are the best tracker there is. I just–I need you to find him and report back. Very simple. :'''Soldier Boy''': You want me… to work for you? :'''Homelander''': Well, why don't we say "work ''with'' me"? And... I can help you. I can give you a proper comeback. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need you for that. :'''Homelander''': Well, the whole world does think that you're a Russian spy, so… :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Okay. Alright, listen to me. I'm no ass-felching Commie. You got that?! :'''Homelander''': I know, I know. And listen, I am Vought now. Me. So, the public, they're gonna believe that you are whatever I tell them you are. I can resurrect you. I can give you back what you lost. I can even make you number two in The Seven. :'''Soldier Boy''': Number two? ''[Homelander nods]'' Or how about I finish the job, and blast you to Kingdom Fuck. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, you could try. Who knows, you might even fry the V right out of my blood. Or you might not. But I'm betting that you hate William Butcher more than you hate... me. After all, I'm–I'm not the one that betrayed you, am I? :'''Soldier Boy''': I tried to kill you. The minute I turn my back, how do I know you won't return the favor? :'''Homelander''': Look...  :''[Homelander picks up Soldier Boy's shield and gives it to him]'' :'''Homelander''': You find William Butcher for me… all is forgiven. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat; looks at the shield]'' Looks like a fuckin' kindergarten ashtray.  <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Soldier Boy, ''[points at Calhoun and Ashley]'' this is the President, Vice President of the United States of America. They work for me. Everyone, Soldier Boy is gonna be number two in The Seven once he has located William Butcher and Annie January. :'''The Deep''': What? Wait–Wait, what, sir? No, sir. I... I can do this. I can bring them in. :'''Homelander''': Oh, like you did with A-Train? We're going in a new direction, Deep. Competence. ''[to Calhoun]'' Oh, and Steve, Soldier Boy's gonna need a full pardon. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, he–he was guilty of... you know, treason. ''[pause; Homelander just stares at him]'' Consider it done, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific. And you know what? I'm sure the man's dying for a drink. Uh, Steve, can you make him a… :'''Soldier Boy''': Manhattan. :'''Homelander''': Manhattan. Thanks, Steve. :'''Calhoun''': Of course. Can I get you a glass of milk, sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[sternly]'' No. Steven… I'll also have a Manhattan. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goddamn. Since when could Supes teabag the President? :'''Homelander''': Since me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Hughie looking despondent on their way back to the Teenage Kix mansion]'' :'''Butcher''': Oi, fuckin' smile, Hughie. I mean, ain't you a little glad A-Train's dead? :'''Hughie''': …No, I'm not glad he's dead. A-Train did a lot of horrible things, but he saved our lives, and he died a hero. A real hero. There are a lot of other Supes that don't deserve to die either. :'''Butcher''': Listen, I know you just done a year in the gulag. You've earned your seat at the table, so... I'll give it to ya straight. You gotta knock this wet, gaping pussy shite on the head, mate. Ain't doin' no one no favours. Especially your girl. I mean, that's why she's givin' you the cold shoulder. :'''Hughie''': Don't talk to me about Annie. You don't know what's going on with her. :'''Butcher''': Well, I know that she finally knows the fuckin' score. And she knows that you poncin' about with this Jiminy Cricket, "listen to your heart" bollocks is just gonna get her killed. :'''Hughie''': Is there any part of you left that's still human? ''[pause]'' You're gonna get Annie killed, not me… but I won't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Noted. :''[A shield suddenly pierces the windshield of the Boys' truck. Hughie catches the virus vial right as they crash into another vehicle.]'' :'''Hughie''': Fuck! :'''Kimiko''': Hughie, the vial! :'''Hughie''': It's good. ''[stares at the shield]'' Wait, is that...? :''[They see Soldier Boy walking up the street towards them]'' :'''Butcher''': Well, well, well. :'''Kimiko''': He's dead, right? He's supposed to be dead? :'''Butcher''': Supposed to be. Mallory put him in ice for a bit. :'''Hughie''': ''[slowly turns to face Butcher]'' You're telling us this ''now?'' :'''Butcher''': Somebody up there likes us, mate. :'''Hughie''': In what fucking way?! :'''Butcher''': Well, we wanted a guinea pig. Who better than Homelander's old man? New plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butcher''': Oi. Ain't you supposed to be a giant ice dіldо? :'''Soldier Boy''': Aren't you supposed to be smart? Renting a truck under the name "Don T. Beakunt." Same alias when we headed to Herogasm. :'''Butcher''': Well, oldie, but a goodie. :''[Soldier Boy sees Hughie and Kimiko get out of the truck and run away]''  :'''Butcher''': No, mate. Just you and me. :''[Soldier Boy shoots Butcher three times, but to no avail. Butcher, still standing, looks down at his chest then looks back up at Soldier Boy.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess it's true. You're one of us now. :'''Butcher''': Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Then fuckin' beat 'em. :'''Soldier Boy''': Being super is not gonna save you. :'''Butcher''': That don't stop us helpin' each other. Homelander's double the cunt now, if that's even possible. He needs doin' more than ever. You still fancy his seat on The Seven, don't ya? :'''Soldier Boy''': Fuck you! We had a deal! I held up my end of the bargain, and you sold me out. Put me back in a fucking box! And for what? 'Cause I was gonna kill some dumb kid? :'''Butcher''': That kid is your grandson. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, was it worth it? You feeling good about that call right about now? Where is that fucking brat? :'''Butcher''': Homelander's the one fuckin' you over, mate. Or did he mention that we've got an uber virus strong enough to kill every fuckin' Supe on the planet? :'''Soldier Boy''': Bullshit. :'''Butcher''': God's honest. The things this virus can do... ''Fuckin' diabolical.'' Why d'you think he sent you here instead of coming himself, hmm? You're the sacrificial cunt. Again. :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess we'll see. :'''Butcher''': You don't get it, do ya? Me, Homelander, your old crew–Everyone fucks you over. Do you wanna know why? 'Cause you... are a dumb fuckin' twat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Hughie Campbell. How is a useless cock-gobbler like you still alive? :'''Hughie''': All your jokes are about dudes blowing dudes. You're kind of obsessed! :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this the virus he was going on about? The so-called "Supe Killer"? Well, not today, you semen-swilling butt pirate. :'''Hughie''': What? ==''"Every One of You Sons of Bitches"'' [5.03]== :''[Homelander has a psychotic breakdown and hallucinates Madelyn Stillwell appearing to him as an angel]'' :'''Homelander''': Madelyn...! :'''Madelyn''': Oh, my boy! My sweet boy... What is wrong? Why are you unhappy? :'''Homelander''': My father and my son! Everything, it's all falling apart! :'''Madelyn''': No! No, it's exactly what needed to happen. Yes, it's been foretold! You're about to ascend. Become immortal. Divine. A true god with the love of the world. :'''Homelander''': But– :'''Madelyn''': I know, you think love is weak and human. But who is more loved than Jesus? And why should he have more love than you? You save more people than he does. The one, true god... :'''Homelander''': Yes... But how? How? Millions of people just hate me... :'''Madelyn''': Well, then you baptize the unfaithful in their own blood. Rip babies from their mothers' wombs. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': Skin parents in front of their children. Rid the world of the wicked. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': The nonbelievers... :'''Homelander''': They'll call me a monster... :'''Madelyn''': Oh, the only ones left will be your faithful. And they will love you in their hearts. They'll cry happy tears at the mere thought of you. You have one last task, my love. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Homelander? :'''Homelander''': Up here. :'''Soldier Boy''': What do you– ''[sees Homelander taking a bath]'' What in the fuck? Is that milk? :'''Homelander''': Better. Breastmilk from the NICU at Mount Sinai. :'''Soldier Boy''': So, what? You asked me up here so I could watch you swim in tit jizz? :'''Homelander''': I wanna give you another chance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You wanna give ''me'' another chance? :'''Homelander''': Yes. Help me find that V1. :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd rather fist myself with a handful of razors. Besides, Cleopatra Jones said there's no V1 to find. :'''Homelander''': Oh, there most certainly is. And I am going to find it. :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah? What makes you so sure? :'''Homelander''': ''[smiling]'' An angel told me. It's my destiny. :'''Soldier Boy''': Just when I thought there was a ceiling to how fuckin' weird you could get. :'''Homelander''': Yes, yes. Make your jokes. You've been blessed with immortality, and what have you done with it? Drink and fuck yourself numb. You... ''You'' are a disappointment. You see... ''[stands up and gets out of the tub]'' I am not gonna waste my immortality. I am gonna take what's rightfully mine. I'm asking you if you want a seat at the table because you're my father. But with or without you... a reckoning is coming. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat]'' You know, all I see is a freak. A freak with a bushel of gray pubes. Try some Just for Men. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher takes Ryan to a pub to discuss his plan to kill Homelander with the Supe virus]'' :'''Butcher''': All you do is get him on the blower and tell him you wanna see him. When he rocks up, you chuck the shit in his face... and that'll be it. :'''Ryan''': Why me? :'''Butcher''': 'Cause he won't leave the fortress of cuntitude for anyone else. :'''Ryan''': So this is what you wanted to talk to me about. Killing my dad. :'''Butcher''': Listen, mate– :'''Ryan''': Is that all you think I'm good for? :'''Butcher''': I ain't gonna treat you like a kid no more, alright? You're done with that. Homelander raped your mum. He's gonna burn everything down, and you are the only one who can stop him. Now... Normally, I don't put no stock in any of that bollocks about destiny, but if anyone's got one, it's you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause; sighs]'' I throw this virus at him... what'll happen to me? :'''Butcher''': You'll die. I'll be close by and we'll go together. Now... I ain't gonna lie to you. This… this is not what your mum wanted… But it's the only way. And it will be justice. :'''Ryan''': You're asking me to kill myself? :'''Butcher''': You wouldn't be the first lad to throw his life away in a war... but you would be the first to save the world doin' it. ''[beat; sighs heavily]'' I'll fetch us a pint. :''[Later, Butcher returns with a pint of beer]'' :'''Butcher''': Here. Told her you were 30. ''[Ryan chuckles]'' Fuck the leather, fuck the lace, here's to the bird who sits on yer face. ''[takes a long sip of beer]'' :'''Ryan''': Where'd you pick that up? :'''Butcher''': Me old man. :'''Ryan''': You two close? :'''Butcher''': Nah, not really. He was a... a piss artist. Used to lose all his money on the gee-gees–horses–and then, he'd come home, beat the livin' daylights outta Len and me. And then later, laugh about it with his mates. Yeah, he was a right cunt. :'''Ryan''': Where is he now? :'''Butcher''': Bottom of the Thames. I put him there, just the other day. Only wish I'd done it sooner, before he caused more... more damage. :'''Ryan''': Butcher... Do you think that I could ever... That I might turn into my dad? :'''Butcher''': …I don't know. :'''Ryan''': ''[sighs]'' My mom... Aunt Grace... the others... All I do is hurt people. I can't be around anyone. :'''Butcher''': Without us–without Supes–the world is a better, safer place. :'''Ryan''': ''[beat]'' I'll do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edgar ''': You're fighting an unbeatable foe. You know that, right? :'''Mother's Milk''': Who? Vought? :'''Edgar''': Please. It's more powerful than Vought. Or Homelander. More powerful than nature or life itself. It's profit and loss; supply and demand; the elegant flow of currency across the globe. We're just cogs in a great machine, and we all have our part to play. Say you kill Soldier Boy, or Homelander, or even release this virus. When superheroes go out of fashion, something else will just take their place. Because corporations must still grow. Money must still be made. The machine must still be fed. That is the way of the world. :'''Mother's Milk''': Motherfucker. When this is all over... you're aiming to run Vought again, ain't you? :'''Edgar''': Like I said. We all have our part to play. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause]'' If that day ever comes... I have a part to play, too. And that's to put a bullet in your fuckin' skull. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Soldier Boy and Firecracker are on her TruthBomb talkshow set preparing for their interview together]'' :'''Firecracker''': It's an honor to have a great American like yourself on the show. I guess it runs in the family, huh? Homelander's father… Dang. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks at the gun at Firecracker's hip]'' Glock, huh? Never saw the appeal in foreign-made guns. :'''Firecracker''': Well, this ain't your granddaddy's Glock. This here's a 9mm Gen 5, seven-round capacity with a crisp fuckin' break. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, mine's a much longer barrel. ''[takes out his pistol]'' Battle-proven, all-American Colt 1911 chambered in .45 ACP. ''[cocks pistol]'' That'll blow your fuckin' panties off. Now, that little Glock–That's good for a late-night Harlem stroll, but uh, this here? That's a certified Kraut killer. :'''Firecracker''': I think you mean an antique. :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean a classic. You wanna give it a try? ''[Firecracker examines the pistol]'' Now, some can't handle the kick, but something tells me you'll do just fine. :''[Cut to Soldier Boy and Firecracker in bed together after having sex]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Whew. Well, I gotta hand it to you. I haven't fuckеd that hard since... since I railed Shari Lewis on the balcony of [[w:Studio 54|Studio 54]]. :'''Firecracker''': I ain't got no idea who that is. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well... Hey, why the hairless pussy? :'''Firecracker''': ''[gives Soldier Boy a disgusted look]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean, what's the point of going down there if you're not gonna get a fat face full of fur? Is that how Homelander likes you? Like a baby? :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' More like a mother. :'''Soldier Boy''': But you two have fuckеd, right? :'''Firecracker''': ''[shakes her head]'' Mm-mm. :'''Soldier Boy''': Damn. I gotta admit, I was kinda just doing this as petty revenge against the freak. :'''Firecracker''': That's terrible. Who would do such a thing? And you shouldn't say that about your son. :'''Soldier Boy''': Ah, he thinks he's better than me. :'''Firecracker''': He doesn't. :'''Soldier Boy''': How do you know? :'''Firecracker''': I don't know much, but I can read people. And the way he looks at you? Shoot. I ain't never seen him look at nobody like that. :'''Soldier Boy''': Uh, that's not exactly a compliment, doll. He is the strangest mοthеrfuckеr I've ever known, and I've had a threesome with Gary Busey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryan and Homelander meet up at the now-abandoned VoughtLand building]'' :'''Ryan''': Do you remember when you took me here? Pretended to care about me? :'''Homelander''': I ''do'' care about you, son. I love you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause]'' I need to ask you– :'''Homelander''': For my forgiveness? You already have it. :'''Ryan''': What? :'''Homelander''': Okay, let me finish. I put too much pressure on you to fill my boots. And–And I realize now that, uh... Well, that–that was impossible. But I do have some pretty exciting news. I am going to live forever now. I'll realize my own legacy. And you... ''[scoffs]'' you're off the hook. You can do whatever– :'''Ryan''': Did you do it? Did you rapе my mom? :'''Homelander''': What?! Of course not. Who told you–Did William Butcher tell you that? Your mother and I, we had an affair. A consensual affair between two adults. :'''Ryan''': Your heart's racing. :'''Homelander''': Well, yeah, because I'm shocked. And–And frankly, my heart's breaking a little bit that you could think I would do something like that. :''[Ryan lasers Homelander, leaving a visible wound near his chest]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan... Ryan, stop! :''[Ryan lunges at Homelander and shoves him against the wall. Homelander ducks below Ryan's fist to avoid getting punched by him.]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan! I don't know where this is coming from, because your mother… ''She'' came on to ''me.'' :''[Ryan punches Homelander twice and tries to laser him again. Homelander quickly dodges him again.]'' :'''Homelander''': ''Ryan!'' Son... ''[moves away to avoid another punch]'' Ryan! Ryan, buddy... Look what came out of it: My son! A blessing! ''[Ryan attacks him again]'' Hey, hey! Stop! :''[Ryan readies another laser, which gets redirected when Homelander grabs his face. He punches Homelander in the face again, but Homelander gets the upper hand and slams Ryan several times into a box. Homelander wipes blood away from his nose as Ryan whimpers in pain.]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, Ryan... Dammit. Look at what you made me do. ''[pause; kneels down to restrain Ryan]'' Shh... Shh, shh, shh. Hey... It's okay. My sweet, sweet boy. :''[Homelander proceeds to punch Ryan repeatedly in the face until he is beaten nearly to death]'' ==''"King of Hell"'' [5.04]== :'''Homelander''': I need you for something. :'''Firecracker''': You do? :'''Homelander''': I have received the most wonderful message. I was visited... by an angel. And she foretold my destiny. :'''Firecracker''': Wow. Well, praise be. And what is it? :'''Homelander''': God. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, that is wonderful. There is no higher calling than servin' the Lord. :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. Not serving the Lord. Being the Lord. I am the Messiah. I'm the savior of the world. :'''Firecracker''': The... Messiah? :'''Homelander''': Yes. :''[Firecracker smiles despite her being clearly disturbed by Homelander's delusions]'' :'''Firecracker''': Um... Congrats. :'''Homelander''': Thank you. ''[pause; Firecracker giggles nervously]'' I always knew I was special. I knew it. I suffered. I suffered so many hardships, and I... I couldn't understand why, but you... You... You always saw it, didn't you? You knew all along I was special. That is why I have chosen you to spread the word of my coming. :'''Firecracker''': How? :'''Homelander''': Well, we control the most powerful media apparatus on Earth. Jesus would kill for our marketing. What do you say? :'''Firecracker''': ...Well, you know I would do anything for you, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys are hiking through the woods near Fort Harmony]'' :'''Kimiko''': It's weird. No birds or animals. It's like… :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. ''[to Mother's Milk]'' Had to park on the other side of the state, didn't ya? :'''Mother's Milk''': Well, if the hike's too hard, why don't you try tying your boots, mοthеrfuckеr. :''[Hughie is shocked to see a heavily decomposed corpse]'' :'''Hughie''': Oh, fuck that. :'''Butcher''': Eh. Not really my type, son. :'''Hughie''': Hey, how about showing a little respect? :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, Hughie's right, Butcher. You should take her out to dinner first. ''[chuckles; sighs]'' Let's see here. Based on the decomp, these bodies have been here for a while. :'''Frenchie''': Something ripped them apart. Whatever killed those Boy Scouts might still stalk these woods. :'''Butcher''': Let's get a move on, then. Didn't come out here to get bummed by Bigfoot. :''[...]'' :'''Butcher''': Any sign of Super Cuqnt? :'''Mother's Milk''': Could already be inside. :'''Butcher''': Well, let's find out. :'''Kimiko''': ''[to Hughie]'' What's wrong? :'''Hughie''': Annie. :'''Kimiko''': She'll come back. :'''Hughie''': No. I almost died, but she made it all about her and she took off. I mean, last year, I got bad-touched by a shape-shifter, and she still found a way to make it about her. She can be such a fucking bitch. ''[pause; sees Kimiko looking at him in shock]'' Uh... Jesus. Sorry, I–I didn't mean for that to come out so harsh. :''[The Boys see an entire field littered with animal carcasses]'' :'''Butcher''': ''Fuckin' hell.'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck happened here? :'''Frenchie''': Our V'd-up beast enjoyed an amuse-bouche, perhaps? :'''Butcher''': Well, explains why we didn't hear no animals. :'''Kimiko''': I said that ten minutes ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys discover more decomposed corpses as they make their way downstairs to the lab inside Fort Harmony]'' :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. They've been here a minute, haven't they? :'''Frenchie''': Decades. Hunters... ''[pause; notices the knives embedded in the corpses]'' Look at their knives. These men, they killed each other. What if there is a monster here, but it's us? :'''Butcher''': What the fuck are you on about, Frenchie? :'''Frenchie''': [[w:Toxoplasma gondii|Toxoplasmosis]]. It's a parasite in cat shit. It can infect humans. Makes them react with explosive anger. :'''Hughie''': You think we ate cat shit? :'''Frenchie''': Ate? No... If the V1 spilled into the groundwater, it could mutate the plants. Their spores fill us with rage, we murder each other, and ''voilà''. We're plant food for these vines. :'''Hughie''': Okay, so like [[w:The Last of Us (video game)|''The Last of Us'']]? :'''Frenchie''': No, that is just [[w:The Walking Dead (comic book)|''The Walking Dead'']] with mushrooms. The dead campers, the animals, these hunters... Surely, you all see how strangely you've been acting. :'''Kimiko''': Us? I've seen you blow cоcaіnе up your dіckhole. :'''Frenchie''': Wait... You have a point. The copious amount of drug I've taken for decades has surely altered my brain chemistry. That's why I'm not affected. :'''Kimiko''': Guess being a junkie was good for something after all. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Romeo and fuckin' Juliet. You two survive this war, I give you six months tops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy search the ground floor of Fort Harmony while the Boys are in the basement below looking for the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sniffs]'' Smells like deer piss. The last time I was here, I was fresh off the front lines, still picking Nazi brains out of my hair. And only the best of the best got selected for Dr. Vought's trials. :'''Homelander''': Hmmph. :'''Soldier Boy''': Not soft little hog-chompers. :'''Homelander''': Of course. No, I forgot how tough you were. :'''Soldier Boy''': Hey, I'm not the weirdo who doesn't fuck. I mean, your cock's as useless as your cape. What's the point of being famous if you're not getting your dіck wet? :'''Homelander''': Oh, my dіck was sopping wet when I pulled it out of Stormfront and wiped it on her fucking chin! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; looks down at the decomposed corpses]'' Ooh, look. More uggos.  :'''Homelander''': Friends of yours? :''[They unknowingly set off the motion detector that the Boys set up near the stairs]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Oh, shit. They're right above us. :'''Butcher''': We best get the fuck outta here. Come on. :'''Hughie''': Hey. Hey, what about the V1? :'''Mother's Milk''': If Bombsight has the V1, then it saves us from having to torch it. :'''Hughie''': What are you talking about? Who's "us"? :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' What? You think the world needs more immortal cunts, do ya? :'''Hughie''': We need it to save Annie and Kimiko! You've been planning this this whole time, haven't you?! :'''Frenchie''': Shh. Homelander will hear us. :'''Hughie''': ''[to Mother's Milk]'' And you, you've just been going along with it again. :'''Mother's Milk''': We can't take the risk, Hughie. And if she has to be collateral damage so that Homelander dies and my daughter lives, we ain't got no fucking choice! :'''Kimiko''': Oh, easy for you to say. It won't fucking kill you! :'''Butcher''': Well, at least he knows when to keep his gob shut and do as he's fuckin' told! :'''Frenchie''': Shh! :'''Mother's Milk''': Excuse me? :'''Frenchie''': No, no, no. We don't have time for this. We need to find a way out now. :'''Mother's Milk''': Wanna know a little secret, Butcher? I ''cheered'' when I found out that you were dying, 'cause at least we'd finally be done with your miserable ass. :'''Hughie''': You know, I used to say to these guys, "Don't give up on Butcher. There's good in him fighting to get out." I was wrong. If there was ''anything'' human in there, it's dead. Underneath that chestful of octo-cocks, you are just a fucking monster. :'''Butcher''': Well, maybe I like it better that way. :'''Hughie''': That parasite's not just in you. It ''is'' you. ''You're'' the cancer! :'''Frenchie''': ''Lower your voices.'' :'''Hughie''': You are just as bad as Homelander, maybe worse. And I'm not gonna let you drag us all down with you. :'''Butcher''': And whatcha gonna do about it? :'''Hughie''': I'll fucking kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': ''[chuckles]'' Tough guy, my ass. :'''Soldier Boy''': What? :'''Homelander''': You, your whole bit. This whole "guts and glory" thing. What a fucking joke. I read your classified file. Your brother won a Silver Star for bravery at [[w:Battle of Anzio|Anzio]], and that's what made you beg your father to buy you a spot in Dr. Vought's trials. Because it killed you to see your brother dripping in all that glory, making you look all the more feeble in comparison. :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't know shit about me. :'''Homelander''': Really? I know that when they tried to inject you with the V, you were so fucking petrified that they had to strap you to the table. And you pissed yourself, crying for your mommy like the whiny, spoiled little rich boy that you are. They gave you the world, and you? You deserve ''nothing.'' :''[Soldier Boy stands by as Homelander walks into a small chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Christ. What's this shithole now? :''[Soldier Boy shuts the door while Homelander isn't looking and turns the wheel to lock him inside the chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': What are you doing?! :''[Soldier Boy bends the wheel with his bare hands and tears it off the door]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, well done. I'll be out of here in 30 seconds! :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. Maybe not. :''[Soldier Boy pulls down a lever to open a radioactive valve. Homelander's face immediately starts blistering from the radiation.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': It's enriched uranium. They'd stick us Supes in there to see if we could survive an atomic bomb. Now, for a normal joe, they'd be dead in minutes. But for you, it's a stomach flu. Good luck, though, getting out of a Supe-proof cell while you're bleeding out of your ass. :''[Homelander fails to kill Soldier Boy by lasering him. He punches the glass as Soldier Boy walks off.]'' :'''Homelander''': Where are you going? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'm gonna go destroy any V1 that I find, you Triple Crown cock jockey. :'''Homelander''': Why? :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't get it, do you? How much I can't fucking stand you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Homelander trapped inside the uranium chamber]'' :'''Butcher''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, if only the world could see you now. Not so fuckin' super, are ya? You, uh... ''[points at Homelander's face]'' You got a bit of... ''[pause; Homelander coughs]'' Did your dad put you in timeout? Ooh… That's gotta sting, knowin' he'd rather spend eternity all alone than with the likes of you. What's the matter? Cunt got your tongue? Will wonders ever cease? ''[chuckles; lights cigarette]'' Tell me something. If you do get the juice in you, you think that makes you a god, don't ya? Seems like I know you pretty well after all. Which is why I know that even if you had a billion twats garglin' your bollocks and singin' "Hosanna", you still wouldn't be happy. 'Cause deep down, you're just a weak, thin-skinned, needy little boy. You beat the shit outta your own son. Don't get weaker than that. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs weakly while groaning in pain]'' Ryan is alive… because he's strong. 'Cause he's my son. The son of God. :'''Butcher''': You ain't no god. How's about I go fetch the virus, and then we'll watch you shit your fuckin' spine out? :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You don't have it, do you? The virus. :'''Butcher''': …Don't I? :'''Homelander''': No, you don't. You would have used it by now. ''[coughs; laughs hysterically]'' You have no way to stop me, do you? Oh, William. You have no idea what you're up against. You can't intervene. I ''will'' get the V1, and when I do, I'm gonna flay you alive. You, Starlight, all the nonbelievers. You're all gonna ''fuckin' drown'' in your own blood. :'''Butcher''': I promise you, before I die... I'll fuckin' have you. ''[walks away]'' :'''Homelander''': YOU'RE ALL FUCKING PASTE! I can take what's mine, and that makes this WHOLE FUCKING SHITBALL ''MY BIRTHRIGHT! '''MY DESTINY!''''' ==''"One-Shots"'' [5.05]== :'''Firecracker''': Next up is a $500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital. Ain’t nobody won’t know about the Democratic Church of America… and its chosen prophet. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Prophets are servants. :'''Firecracker''': Of course, sir. Great point. We’re just trying to ease people into it. :'''Homelander''': No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension. We must be honest. We must be direct. I like “savior.” Or–Or… :'''Oh Father''': Lord. Yes, I couldn’t agree more, sir. Religion is not about being meek. We should dominate the seven mountains of society, bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth! Amen! :'''Homelander''': Amen. :'''Firecracker''': Amen! I love all that! :'''The Deep''': So fucking dope. :'''Oh Father''': Easter is just around the corner. How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection? :'''Homelander''': Mmm… Second coming? Let's be clear: I am not the son of God. :'''Oh Father''': Well, of course. Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son. :'''Homelander''': Well, that's just confusing. I don't want my church getting involved in all... that. :'''Firecracker''': Exactly. Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have… ''[picks up a bag with a large book inside]'' this. :''[Firecracker kneels in front of Homelander, who accepts the book. He takes it out of the bag and sees "The Homelander Bible" with himself embossed on the cover.]'' :'''Oh Father''': We're gonna drag our feet because of a book? :'''Firecracker''': Not a book. ''The'' book. The Homelander Bible. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause; lifts the book with his hands]'' Heavy. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[quietly]'' What the fuck? :'''Firecracker''': It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament, written by A.I. trained on the works of [[w:Pat Robertson|Pat Robertson]]. See, we need to pass the torch, sir. From Jesus to you. Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression. Are we really gonna rush something this important? We ain't [w:Arby's|Arby's]], after all. :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Firecracker''': We're the [[w:The Cheesecake Factory|Cheesecake Factory]]. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs deeply]'' Okay. We'll do it your way. :'''Firecracker''': Thank you. :'''Sister Sage''': You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil unrest? :'''Firecracker''': Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros. :'''Homelander''': Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas. American heroes should be protecting America, not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Firecracker''': We ain't doin' that again. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[chuckles]'' That's what you said the last six times. :'''Firecracker''': No, I really mean it this time. :'''Soldier Boy''': You seem a little out of it. Did you nut? 'Cause usually, you nut. :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' Were you baptized? :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill. [[William Cameron Sproul|Governor Sproul]] did the honors. My family kept up appearances, of course. Then, we never set foot in church again. :'''Firecracker''': I had lunch today with the reverend who baptized me. He's been gettin' heat to switch over to our church. You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him? Just... give him a little more time? I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me. :'''Soldier Boy''': So you didn't nut. You know, this whole Homelander as God shit, it's... it's fucking ridiculous. :'''Firecracker''': Really? You think so? :'''Soldier Boy''': If he's the second coming, then what does that make me? Joseph? I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history. Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin, and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet. Fuck that. :'''Firecracker''': I guess I've been struggling with where to place Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay. :'''Firecracker''': Of course I worship Homelander. I mean, he's always been a god to me. :'''Soldier Boy''': Look, I'll tell you this. If there is a God... sure as hell didn't come out of my balls. I gotta go. :'''Firecracker''': Where you off to? :'''Soldier Boy''': L.A… ''[snickers]'' I fucking hate L.A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker is filming her new episode of TruthBomb and starts reading her opening monologue from a teleprompter]'' :'''Firecracker''': Welcome to ''Truthbomb''. Our top story tonight's a personal one. It's the story of my hometown church, Holy Baptist of Daytona. It was the church I grew up in. Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday. But that church... That church… :''[The teleprompter stops scrolling]'' :'''Firecracker''': ''[beat]'' That church... has become a hotbed of Starlighter infestation. And my old pastor, Reverend Greg Dupree, has been infected by Starlight's seditious propaganda. Now... I never told a soul this, but when I was a little girl, the reverend regularly had me over for supper. Alone. ''[pause; chuckles]'' No. Nothing ever happened to me, but... ''[sighs]'' I heard stories about his "Fish Fry Fridays." And if that ain't code for child groomin', I don't know what is. How much longer are we gonna let these institutional pedo churches diddle our babies? Americans deserve better. They deserve... Homelander. They deserve the Democratic Church of America. ''[starts crying]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Would you like some knee pads? :'''The Deep''': Sorry, what? :'''Soldier Boy''': You're looking at me like you wanna suck my hog. So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads. :'''Homelander''': Go easy on the little guy. He brought me Stan Edgar. :'''The Deep''': Thank you, sir. :'''Homelander''': You may leave. :''[Soldier Boy stays behind with Homelander in the conference room as the rest of The Seven leave]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What crawled up your shithole? :'''Homelander''': No idea what you mean. :'''Soldier Boy''': When you're pissy, you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy too. Stan Edgar still stonewalling you? :'''Homelander''': I've talked to him three times now. Says he has no idea where the V1 is. Heart rate steady as a rock. I'm starting to believe him. :'''Soldier Boy''': That slippery fuck used to fetch my cоcaіnе. ''[pause]'' You know what? I have an idea. Why don't I take a crack at him? ''[Homelander stares at him]'' What, you don't trust me? :'''Homelander''': Well, you did lock me in a room with nuclear material and tried to stop me getting the V1, so I'm sure you can understand my hesitance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You could've killed me at Fort Harmony, but you didn't. Maybe I feel like I owe you. :'''Homelander''': Or maybe you're lying. :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. ''[inhales deeply]'' Give me an hour. I'll meet you at Edgar's cell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hughie''': If you and M.M. still think– :'''Butcher''': Oh, for fuck's sakes, Hughie. Knock it off with this V1 shite! You're doin' me fuckin' head in! ''[sees his dog Terror eating out of the trash]'' Oi, Terror. Cut it out. Come on. ''[to Hughie]'' Now, listen. If we do find that stuff, we're not makin' any fuckin' vaccines out of it, alright? We're not the department of fuckin' health. We burn that shit before Homelander gets his paws on it, and that's that. :'''Hughie''': Well, if you wanna kill yourself, knock yourself out, but why do you have to decide for the rest of us? :'''Butcher''': Oh, 'cause I'm fuckin' right! 'Cause I've always been right! I've been tellin' you lot from the fuckin' start the sky is fallin', and guess what? The sky fuckin' fell. :'''Hughie''': Well, you kinda helped bring it down. :'''Butcher''': Oh, don't give me that bollocks. Listen, Homelander thinks he's a fuckin' god. Once he becomes immortal, he's gonna start killin' like one, and we are talkin' millions of people. Now, are you tellin' me you're honestly happy to risk all of that for a life on the run with your girl, knowin' that you could've stopped it? You can live with that, can ya? :'''Hughie''': What if it was Becca? You'd just let her die? :'''Butcher''': …I ''did'' let her die. :'''Hughie''': Look… I know that Homelander comes first. I really do. All I'm asking is that we try. Annie and Kimiko deserve that much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mister Marathon and Malchemical try to convince Soldier Boy to kill Homelander while he is unconscious]'' :'''Mister Marathon''': Hey, man, we don't have a problem with you. Honest, ''[stutters]'' but–but fuck this fucking guy. You know, he fuckеd my life. Look, if you help us get rid of him, then we all win, and you–you can have The Seven. And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need to kill him to get The Seven. :'''Mister Marathon''': No. Yeah, of course not, but what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church? I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool. All the hοοkers, the drug dealers. :'''Malchemical''': They wanna ban pοrn. I mean, they wanna ban fucking abortions! :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay, well, banning abortion would be a big problem for me personally. :'''Mister Marathon''': Exactly, for all of us. So, if we kill him, we can stop worrying about being cops or gods or asexual weirdos. You know, we can go back to fucking and–and being fucking awesome! :'''Malchemical''': Look, we know you've got that fucked-up chest blast thing. I mean, I was at Herogasm. I saw it. :'''Mister Marathon''': Just finish him now. Take away his powers, so we can curb stomp him while we have the chance.  :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat]'' He is a fucking asexual weirdo. :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Malchemical''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But as much as it pains me to say this, he's ''my'' fucking asexual weirdo. Nobody fucks my son but me. :'''Mister Marathon''': What? :'''Soldier Boy''': …That came out wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker sees Homelander sitting on the couch in the Seven common room]'' :'''Firecracker''': Homelander… How was L.A.? Did you catch tonight's ''Truthbomb?'' :'''Homelander''': I did indeed. And it was a real barn-burner. Well done. :'''Firecracker''': ''[smiles]'' Thank you, sir. That means the world. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' How's sеx with my father? ''[Firecracker's smile disappears]'' Is he good at it? Are you thinking about me when you're making love to him? :'''Firecracker''': I never meant to cross a line or offend you in... :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Don't fret, little one. I don't care about the sеx, really. But I ''do'' care about your little chats after sеx. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, whatever Soldier Boy told you, I can assure you that I... :'''Homelander''': You mean your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh, Jesus? Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me? :'''Firecracker''': No, you are my one and only savior. :'''Homelander''': You say that, but your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird. ''[sighs; gets up from the couch]'' You're supposed to worship me, love me and me alone. :'''Firecracker''': I do. :'''Homelander''': I believed in you. Turns out, you don't believe in me. ''[pause]'' I need you to collect your things and leave. :'''Firecracker''': But I ''do'' believe in you. I love you! I am the only one here who ever has! I gave you ''everything!'' I gave you my soul! Everybody else here, they're just... They're just scared of you. Or they want something from you, but I have always loved you for you. Just the strongest, smartest, best man on Earth. :'''Homelander''': ''[scoffs]'' Man? :'''Firecracker''': No, no, no, no, no. ''[gets in front of Homelander]'' A god. No. No, ''the'' God. My Lord, that look you used to get when you'd suckle me? I felt like Mother Mary herself. I felt blessed to nourish someone as important as you. ''[pause; Homelander sighs]'' But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it? You cast me out into the cold, which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place. So all I have been tryin' to do is to get you to see me the way that you used to. Hell, only reason I was with Soldier Boy was that your reflected light is better than no light at all. Please, sir. I love you. We all need love, don't we? Even God. :''[Homelander reaches his hand out to touch Firecracker's cheek, then kills her by impaling her head on the left wing of an eagle statue]'' ==''"Though the Heavens Fall"'' [5.06]== :''[Hughie and Annie are laying down on the hood of his car looking at clouds together]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so that one? :'''Annie''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': It’s like a rabbit, but it’s got way too many feet. :'''Annie''': Really? I see a frog eating a dick. This is definitely in my top five. :'''Hughie''': Top five what? :'''Annie''': Things to do with you. :'''Hughie''': You’re saying that like… this is the last time we’re gonna get to do this. Hey, listen to me. The guys are gonna find Bombsight, they’ll get the V1. You’re not dying. We will have plenty of time to look for filthy shapes in the clouds. :'''Annie''': God, I don’t know where it comes from. This… unshakeable hope. :'''Hughie''': Whenever I’d get upset as a kid, which was a lot… my dad would always say, “You know, son, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react.” And that was infuriating. But then, I spent a year in an internment camp, and I had no control over anything. I’d just lay there at night, just… so fucking angry, hearing my dad’s voice in my head… but then I finally understood what he meant. ‘Cause the only thing I had left was… hope. And it is ''really'' fucking hard to hang on to, but I… I’m trying. :'''Annie''': I think… you might be low-key the strongest person I know. :'''Hughie''': I’d prefer high-key… ''[Annie chuckles]'' but thank you. :'''Annie''': ''[beat; points at the sky]'' Look, it’s–it’s Big Bird eating a dick. :'''Hughie''': You see an unsettling amount of dicks up there, I’m just saying. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy look around Bombsight's empty house to find the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': You sure this is the right address? :'''Homelander''': I'm sure. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, there's no sign of Bombsight... or fucking anyone. Maybe Crime Analytics got a bad tip. :''[Homelander sees a laptop on the table. When he opens it up, a video of him and Stormfront having sex starts playing. He notices Soldier Boy watching along with him and closes the laptop.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck was that? :'''Homelander''': I can explain. :'''Soldier Boy''': That was Clara. You told me she killed herself. :'''Homelander''': She did, after Ryan did ''that'' to her. It's his fault. :'''Soldier Boy''': So then what? You locked her in your apartment like some kind of amputee fuck doll... :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Soldier Boy''': ...and filmed her for kicks? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no! It wasn't like that! I did... I did everything I could to keep her alive, to–to make her happy. ''[Soldier Boy punches him]'' Just listen to me, okay?! It wasn't all like... that. I couldn't let her go. I didn't know how... because I loved her. And so did you. :'''Soldier Boy''': You're goddamn right I loved her. :'''Homelander''': She wouldn't want us fighting over her. :'''Soldier Boy''': Don't fucking tell me what she would want! You knew her for five minutes; I was with her for decades! :'''Homelander''': Hold–Hold on. This–This is a setup. Someone's trying to separate us. This has been plan... Fucking Sage. It's Sage. You see? She's trying to screw with us. ''[Soldier Boy turns around to leave]'' Oh, come on! I can't find the V1 without you! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; turns back around]'' Good. You don't deserve to live forever. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher tries to call Bombsight using one of his old phone numbers, but gets a fax machine instead]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': That a fuckin’ fax machine? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, it’s the last of the numbers she had for him. ''[to Golden Geisha]'' Oi. Twenty-three fuckin' numbers you had for Bombsight, and they’re all fuckin' shite? :'''Golden Geisha''': Do you know how to delete them? I was telling you the truth. I have no idea where Bombsight is, or how to reach him. So just let me go. :'''Butcher''': Kimiko, keep an eye on her. :''[Frenchie joins Butcher and M.M. on their way back to their hideout]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck do we do now? :'''Butcher''': Fetch us some pliers and put the screws to her. She knows more than she’s lettin’ on. :''[They open the door to their hideout and walk inside]'' :'''Frenchie''': Or she doesn’t. I’m sorry, but she’s not that good of an actress. :'''Sister Sage''': He’s right. ''[sarcastically when M.M. and Frenchie aim their guns at her]'' Ooh, I know. The villain switching sides in the final hour. What a twist, a shock that never happens. But unclench those assholes, fellas. I’m here to help. I’m a free agent now. I came alone. You can shoot me in the heart whenever you like. :'''Butcher''': That’s a good idea. ''[takes out and cocks his gun]'' :'''Sister Sage''': That would go against our mutual interest. :'''Butcher''': Which is? :'''Sister Sage''': Stopping a petulant, laser-eyed narcissist from also becoming immortal. I want him dead as much as you do. :'''Mother's Milk''': You spent the last couple of years building Homelander up, and now you wanna tear him down? Why the fuck should we trust you? :'''Sister Sage''': You can’t trust me. Honestly, you shouldn’t, but you will. :'''Frenchie''': And why would we do that? :'''Sister Sage''': I know Campbell and Starlight are headed to plant your little virus. You can trace anyone, if you know what to look for. And you baboons, you leave a trail of banana peels wherever you go. I could have stopped you, I could have killed you... but I didn’t. :'''Butcher''': That virus is gonna wipe out the fuckin’ lot of ya. And you don’t strike me as the suicide type. :'''Sister Sage''': I will be in my nice, quiet bunker, reading [[w:Ludwig Wittgenstein|Wittgenstein]] in peace. That is, unless that bleached blonde baby gets his hands on V1 and survives. You must have realized by now Granny out there has no clue how to contact Bombsight, but I do. And I can get him here. So... let me help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I wanted to say... I'm very sorry about this. I watched every episode of ''Undercover Geisha'' when I was a kid. I loved it, even the parts that were ridiculous racist stereotypes. It meant so much to see someone who looked like me on TV. ''[brief pause]'' We watched with Japanese subtitles. It's how I learned English. :'''Golden Geisha''': If you're such a big fan, let me go. :'''Frenchie''': ''Désolé'', but we cannot. Not until we get the V1 that Bombsight possesses. :'''Golden Geisha''': Wait, that's what you're after? V1? ''[laughs]'' :'''Kimiko''': What–What's so funny? :'''Golden Geisha''': I'll tell Bombsight to just give it to you. I sure as hell don't want it. :'''Kimiko''': ...He stole the V1 for you, so you two could be together forever. ''[pause]'' But you didn't take it. :'''Golden Geisha''': ''[shakes her head]'' I said no... which is why he left. I guess, for him, watching me get old was too painful. :'''Frenchie''': I'm sorry, I do not understand. Why won't you take it? :'''Golden Geisha''': To live forever? It'd be torture. ''[scoffs]'' You're both so young. You wouldn't understand. :'''Kimiko''': Maybe I would. :'''Golden Geisha''': Summer is only beautiful when you know winter is coming. :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Kimiko]'' Is this how you feel? :'''Kimiko''': ''[nods]'' Annie and I talked about it. We'd have to... ''[signing]'' We'd have to watch you and Hughie waste away. Neither of us wants to die, but... we don't wanna be vampires either. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Legend leads Homelander inside the Boys' hideout, which is deserted]'' :'''The Legend''': Okay, um... :'''Homelander''': No one here. :'''The Legend''': I grant you, it–it looks like that, yeah. But this–this is their hideout, so I'm sure there's plenty of clues all over here. ''[picks up a receipt]'' Here you go. ''[Homelander sighs]'' Oh, no. Well, this is nothing. But, you know, they have to have left something behind, you know? :'''Homelander''': ''[looks at the receipt; chuckles]'' Hmmph. It's not nothing. :'''The Legend''': It's a Taco Bell receipt. :'''Homelander''': No, ''this is Sage!'' Taunting me! :'''The Legend''': Okay. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs frustratingly; sits on bed]'' This makes no sense. This makes no sense. This makes no sense! ''[chuckles]'' You said I would get the V1. You said I'd be a god. Did I do something wrong? Did I fail you? I did everything you asked me to. I gave my boy up. Please, don't leave me here to just rot. Don't just let me become ''nothing'' like ''him.'' Please… :'''The Legend''': ''[beat]'' I gotta assume… The only reason you're saying all this stuff is, you're... You're not gonna let me walk out of here alive, are you? Yeah? Okay. Yeah. ''[pause]'' Alright, look, kid. I've been around a long time and I… This is just how it goes. You know all those old Supes at the home? Every one of them had their moments in the sun and they all thought it was gonna go on forever. And every one of them got shoved out in the end. They all got shoved out. All of them. And I know what I'm talking about; I did the shoving. I mean, look at Goldie. One minute, she's on the set of ''Undercover Geisha'', getting finger-popped by Lorenzo Lamas. The next, she's shilling for VoughtAlert necklaces and Activia poop yogurt. :'''Homelander''': Geisha sells VoughtAlert necklaces? :'''The Legend''': Guess you don't watch your own news channel. The point is, look, there comes a day… I got shoved out, too. Never saw it coming. Did not see that coming, and I fought it like hell. But in the end... bupkis. There is a natural order to things. And the more you fight the inevitable, the more the inevitable just… cunt-punts you. ''[pats Homelander's shoulder]'' Yep. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; gets up]'' You're not scared of me. :'''The Legend''': No, I'm not scared of you. I… I feel for you, kid. I do. I mean, you're a fucking whackjob. But, you know, there's talent. So… No surprise there. ''[pause]'' So, there you go. Do what you gotta do. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' ...You can go. :'''The Legend''': I–I can go? :'''Homelander''': Leave. No words. Just go. Now. Go. ''Now.'' :'''The Legend''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. :''[After The Legend leaves, Homelander makes a call on his cell phone]'' :'''Operator''': How can I help you, sir? :'''Homelander''': I need the tracking coordinates for a VoughtAlert necklace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Tough skin or not, I can still break your fuckin' neck! :'''Bombsight''': Ben, stop. Please. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; lets Bombsight go]'' Goddammit. :'''Bombsight''': ''[beat]'' I can't give it to you. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goldie doesn't even wanna take it. :'''Bombsight''': Then maybe someday, I'll find someone who will! :'''Soldier Boy''': You were always gonna fuck it up with Goldie anyway. You could never hold down a girl! It was either a smack needle up your dick or— :'''Bombsight''': Having to stand next to you? You were everyone's favorite from the start, especially Clara. Everything they wanted us to be–everything they were working towards–they saw it in you. I fucking hated you for it. :'''Soldier Boy''': No. No, I wasn't everything Clara wanted. I didn't know how to be. :'''Bombsight''': But you loved her. What wouldn't you give to have her back... forever? :'''Soldier Boy''': …I really fuckin' hate you. :'''Bombsight''': No shit. :'''Soldier Boy''': But we don't have to kill each other. I can take away your immortality... and your powers. You won't have to live forever alone. Then, you and Goldie can spend whatever time you have left like you want. :'''Bombsight''': Why would you do that for me? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd do it for the V1. :''[Bombsight hands a case to Soldier Boy, who opens it to find a V1 syringe inside. The Boys hear an explosion from far away and run towards it. Cut to Bombsight looking at the wound near his shoulder.]'' :'''Bombsight''': This is the first time I've seen my blood in... I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander finds Soldier Boy with the V1 syringe he received from Bombsight. The Boys and Sister Sage watch them from the nearby woods.]'' :'''Homelander''': Don't. I don't wanna fight you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks down at the syringe]'' You know, Clara used to say the craziest shit. That I was the strongest Supe alive, the ultimate expression of what we could be... but she was wrong. ''[pause]'' She hadn't met you yet. :''[Soldier Boy offers the syringe to Homelander, who accepts it]'' :'''Butcher''': No. :'''Sister Sage''': I don't understand. He wasn't supposed to... It's impossible. :'''Homelander''': But you hate me. :'''Soldier Boy''': I love her more... and this is what she would want. :''[Homelander lasers his left arm and injects the V1 into his wound. His eyes immediately start flickering and he kneels to the ground in pain. The Boys watch in horror as Homelander screams and shoots powerful lasers into the sky.]'' :'''Butcher''': '''''Run.''''' ==''"The Frenchman, the Female, and the Man Called Mother's Milk"'' [5.07]== :''[A V1-empowered Homelander sits in President Calhoun's chair in the Oval Office. He hears a knock at the door]'' :'''Homelander''': Come in! ''[in a cheerful tone as Ashley and Calhoun enter]'' Hello, you two. Isn't it a beautiful day? :'''Calhoun''': ''[nervously]'' You're welcome to use this office as long as you need. :'''Homelander''': I know. Let's get right to it! While Oh Father is hard at work on my divine unveiling, I have a few action items I need you to handle. :'''Ashley''': Of course. Anything, sir. :'''Homelander''': The Democratic Church of America is to be the ''official'' national religion, based around the one true god: Me. :'''Calhoun''': Great idea. :'''Homelander''': I want every boundary between church and state dissolved. I want troops sent into every sanctuary city that took in Starlighters. Issue an executive order banning abortion. Also, breastfeeding is now mandatory. Babies need their mothers, not fake milk. Actually, outlaw that, too. :'''Ashley''': Sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[intensely] Ban nut milk.'' The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making you think nuts were milk. ''[snickers after a short silence]'' :'''Calhoun''': Those are all, uh, fantastic ideas, sir. Um... I'll run them by Congress– :'''Homelander''': No, disband it. :'''Calhoun''': Sorry? :'''Homelander''': Disband Congress. It's better for freedom. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, I don't really have that authority. :'''Homelander''': ''[frowns]'' Ashley, do me a favor. Read Steven's mind. I wanna know if he's a true believer. :'''Calhoun''': But of... course I am, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific! Then you have nothing to worry about. ''[gets up and steps over to Ashley]'' Do it. :''[He rips off her wig, and she gasps and covers her face in shame as "Back Ashley" is revealed]'' :'''Calhoun''': ''[revolted]'' What the fuck is that? :'''"Back Ashley"''': Don't look! :'''Homelander''': Don't make me ask again. :'''"Back Ashley"''': ''[stammering in fear]'' Sir, I–I... Sir, I... :'''Ashley''': ''[sighs; steels herself and turns back to Homelander]'' He's terrified of you, sir. He thinks you're just a tiny bit psychotic. :'''Homelander''': Steven! ''[steps towards Calhoun, glaring intensely]'' Here I am. A living god. ''[rests his hands on Calhoun's shoulders]'' Right before your eyes. And still, your faith wavers? ''[beat; Calhoun is clearly too terrified to answer]'' It's okay. No, I'm not angry. ''[clasps his head gently]'' But I ''am'' disappointed. :''[He crushes Calhoun's head into a pulp, then wipes the blood off his hands on a sofa. An utterly terrified Ashley stares at Calhoun's body as Homelander sits back down.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie sees Kimiko suffering from radiation exposure inside a homemade uranium chamber while Butcher and Frenchie watch]'' :'''Hughie''': What the fuck is going on in here? :'''Kimiko''': I'm okay. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' The second she's ready, we go the next dose, alright? :'''Hughie''': "Next dose?" Are you kidding?! Look at her! What are you doing? :'''Butcher''': Plan fuckin' B, my son. If at first you don't succeed, find another hole to fuck. See, Soldier Boy's flashy tіt blast got me thinkin', he–he weren't born with that power. The Ivans gave it to him through a consistent application of scientific methodology. :'''Frenchie''': They threw an atom bomb worth of radiation at him. :'''Butcher''': Right. So, usin' the research we nicked from 'em a few donkeys back, me and Frenchie are doin' the same thing to Kimiko. She gets Soldier Boy's power, she tіt-blasts Homelander, bees and fuckin' honey. :'''Hughie''': So when we kept asking what you two were up to, and you kept saying, "Mind your fuckin' business, cunt," it was this? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. :'''Hughie''': Butcher, this is... the most insane-ass shit I ever heard. In a few weeks, you're gonna somehow do what it took the Russians over a decade? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, 'cause unlike the Ivans, we got us a livin', breathin' supercomputer bunked down in student services. :'''Hughie''': Sage? All she does is self-medicate and binge [[w:Love Island (American TV series)|''Love Island'']]. This could fucking kill Kimiko. Frenchie… :'''Frenchie''': No. It's not my wish. :'''Hughie''': Fuck Butcher. Who cares what he wants? :''[Kimiko coughs and stumbles out of the uranium chamber]''  :'''Kimiko''': Not Butcher. ''[panting heavily]'' Me. It's my call. <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie''': Oh Father's up to something big at Vought Studios, but we don't know what. Could be a trap. :'''Frenchie''': Could be. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' You stay here with Kimiko and Sage. We'll bust into the studio, nab the holy twat, stomp on his bollocks till he gives us Homelander's next move. And then I'll do the cunt and we'll call it an honest day's work, yeah? :'''Hughie''': No. Quit acting like we're going on a milk run. It's over. ''[voice breaking]'' We lost. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' [[w:Victoria Beckham|Posh Spice]] was easily the most shit member of [[w:Spice Girls|the squad]]. Could barely sing or dance. No discernible talent whatsoever. Wasn't even featured on [[w:Wannabe|"Wannabe"]], but did that stop her? No. You look at her now... still married with [[w:David Beckham|Becks]]. Fifteen engagement rings, 32 ''Vogue'' covers, inducted by Prince William into the Order of the bloody British Empire. Even I doubted her move into women's apparel, but her line is a staple at Paris fuckin' Fashion Week. You see, despite her obvious disadvantages–includin' a tragic inability to smile–she never gave up, and we ain't givin' up either. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shakes his head]'' Your fuckin' pep talks. :'''Frenchie''': Terrible. :'''Annie''': The worst. :'''Butcher''': Ah, bollocks. That was a fuckin' knockout. <hr width='50%'> :''[Alone and depressed, The Deep tosses an aluminum can into the sea. A hammerhead shark appears and [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|speaks to him]]]'' :'''Xander''': Yo! You gonna get that, bro? :'''The Deep''': Xander! ''[chuckles]'' Hey, what you doing here? So good to see you, man. :'''Xander''': We wouldn't want a little guppy to get caught in that can, my man. Come on in, grab it. ''[swims in circles]'' :'''The Deep''': I've had such a fucked day, man. You wouldn't believe it, bro. :'''Xander''': Yeah. Get in the water, man. :'''The Deep''': No. You're not... You're not listening to me– :'''Xander''': ''[angrily]'' Ah, shut the fuck up! We know you were responsible for the pipeline genocide. Remember March 15th, motherfucker! :'''The Deep''': No... No, wait, that–That wasn't me, man! :'''Xander''': If you step one foot, one fucking stupid-ass simian toe in the water ''ANYWHERE''—an ocean, a stream, a fucking puddle—on God, son, you're dead! We're gonna ''KILL YOU!'' You understand, you dumb motherfucker?! Water is fucking off limits to you! ''YOU ARE '''DEAD''' TO US! [swimming away]'' Bitch-ass! <hr width='50%'> :''[Soldier Boy sees Homelander standing over a scale model of a Homelander-themed amusement park]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': The fuck is all this? :'''Homelander''': Hey. HomeLand. Next phase of the reboot. Showing the faithful my boundless love for them. ''[points at a monument of himself]'' That there? The Homelander Mount. We're saying that this is where the angel visited me, and I ascended to godhood. :'''Soldier Boy''': …Right. :'''Homelander''': You're gonna love this. ''[waves his hand over a rollercoaster]'' This area here? We're calling it: "Soldier Boy: Father of God!" All the fastest rides are gonna be there, and every night, there's gonna be a ticker-tape parade, honoring you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' I'm gonna head down to Bogotá. Figure I'll snort and fuck my way through the banana republics. :'''Homelander''': Uh... When are you coming back? :'''Soldier Boy''': Probably not for… ever. :'''Homelander''': What? Look, if you don't like the park, I mean, forget it. I don't–I don't care about any of it. You want hοοker and blow? I'll get you all the drugs and all the wrinkly old whοres in America. :'''Soldier Boy''': No, you're not hearing me. :'''Homelander''': No, you're not hearing ''me.'' I am where I am because you chose me. To help me. So, I want you to have whatever you want. :'''Soldier Boy''': What I want is to get away. :'''Homelander''': From what? ''[scoffs]'' Or from who? :'''Soldier Boy''': This just ain't my bag, kid. :'''Homelander''': I welded your shield back together, you never use it. I hired you a three-star Michelin chef, all you ever order is meatloaf and chili. I even had L.J. mock up a new super suit for you. :''[Homelander pulls out a poster of Soldier Boy wearing an American flag-patterned suit]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, God. See, that's what I'm talking about. :'''Homelander''': Oh, God? What?! :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't want that. And another thing: I gave you the V1 because of Clara. Because that's what she would've wanted. This was never gonna be a "playing catch on the front lawn", "fixing up the old Impala" bullshit. You're too weird. :'''Homelander''': Stop fucking saying that. :'''Soldier Boy''': And you're no god. No angel came to you. You had a wet dream about some chick with big, juicy tіts. If that makes you a god, then I'm a fucking god every night. :'''Homelander''': '''I ''AM'' GOD!''' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' Would it help if I said, "It's not you, it's me"? :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs softly]'' If you wanna go, go. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sighs; pats Homelander on the back]'' Good luck, son. :''[Homelander suddenly grabs Soldier Boy from behind and puts him in a chokehold until he passes out]'' :'''Homelander''': I love you. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': Help me out here. In the movie, was Homelander God, the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]], or Jesus' brother? 'Cause the world-building in there was fuckеd. :'''Annie''': Does it even matter? I mean, they will believe whatever he tells them. What is the fucking point of saving people if they don't wanna be saved? This is what they want. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[beat]'' Alright. So, back when my Gramps got killed by Soldier Boy, shit got rough. Neighborhood kids laughed, called me soft, shit like that. And then one day, I find this pigeon on the sidewalk, wing busted. He was in bad shape. So, I run inside, grab a shoebox and a first aid kit, and come to start nursin' it. I figure, if I can save just this one life, maybe it might somehow make up for... Anyway, those same fuckin' kids, they found out. And so now, it don't take a genius to go from Marvin Milk to Mother's Milk. "Yo, Mother's Milk, you letting that sky rat suck on your tіttіеs or that dіck?" They were relentless. Right up until the day when that little bird flew outta my house and right over their heads, good as new. And you know what, Annie? Here's the crazy thing: I loved my new name. 'Cause I loved helpin' people. I loved being kind, makin' my family proud. That name was a badge of honor for me. Now, last year, locked up in that detention center, something changed. My heart, it just got scarred over. Like the world had just broken it one too many times. And yeah, it got easier, just being cynical. Checking out. But I also hated myself a lot more. I went from being a mοthеrfuckеr with a heart to just being a mοthеrfuckеr. But you know what? Givin' a shit in a world where nobody gives a shit? It ain't soft. It's hard as hell… and that's the real me. ''[pause]'' And that's the real you, too. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher and Hughie are captured by a psychic shapeshifter named Synapse]'' :'''Synapse''': How are you two feeling? :'''Butcher''': Why don't you just fuck off outta my head and I'll tell ya. :'''Synapse''': I already know. You wanna rip me in two, which makes a tiny bit erect, not gonna lie. But believe me… I'd rather not be in that rat's nest of yours. So much pain, regret and abject failure. Like with this fucking guy. :''[Synapse's body twitches as he transforms into Joe Kessler]'' :'''Synapse/Kessler''': ''[chuckles; sighs]'' I got a little bit of an erection myself. You miss me? :'''Hughie''': Who's this? :'''Butcher''': He ain't real. He's just fuckin' with us. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Come on, man. ''[to Hughie]'' Joseph Alan Kessler. I served with Bill. Actually, you know what? More than that. Billy and I… ''[makes a hand heart gesture]'' we were besties. See, the problem you're having is that curdled cottage cheese you got inside your skull that remembers me as being some sort of a sociopath head case. That hurts my feelings, Billy. It’s not true. That wasn’t me. No, that was always you. You know, sometimes, Billy’d get real friggin’ blitzed. All quiet and sullen. And then he’d admit that he had this darkness inside of him. A shark that couldn’t stop. ''[pause]'' You see, Billy had no conscience. So, I was there to be that for him. Pull him back when he went too far. ''[to Butcher]'' Does that ring any bells? :'''Butcher''': Just ignore him, Hughie. It’s just psyops bollocks. That’s all. Just bollocks. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Do you remember when the night finally came to cash that check? Panjshir Valley. We were there to take out this mid-level ISIS clown. Billy got us into the compound. The problem is that we got this call that this asshat had a hundred men that were minutes behind us. Now, any sane command leader, they’d pull their men out. Make sure they were safe. But not Billy, no. See, Billy got that little glint in his eye. Wouldn’t give the order, so I got in his face. I screamed at him, "The target’s not worth it. The target wasn’t worth it!" ''[beat]'' Nothing, so I popped him one. Smacked him right there on the forehead, got him this sweet little scar you see. But Billy? Well, Billy didn’t budge. No. And sure as shit… we were surrounded. Good news is that old Butcher, he got his target. The issue was that Billy was the only member of the unit to walk out of there alive. So, he will ask you to pull him back. But the truth of the matter is, is you are fucked when you get in his way. Lot of dead canaries in old Billy Butcher’s coal mine. Anyway… Good luck with that, Hughie. :'''Butcher''': Why don’t you just piss off, you fuckin' nonce? We ain’t tellin' you shite. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': You don’t have to tell me “shite.” I know everything. I’ve been inside your cassava the whole fucking time. I’ve just been just distracting you. Let’s see, Sage is in an abandoned school in Erie, Pennsylvania, and Kimiko? Seriously? You’re gonna saddle her with Soldier Boy’s power blast? Are you fucking insane? ''[laughs]'' Homelander is gonna love this shit. Alright, boys. I’ll see you soon. <hr width='50%'> :''[Frenchie taps on a wall to divert Homelander away from Kimiko and Sister Sage. Homelander immediately comes to Frenchie and sees him inside the homemade uranium chamber.]'' :'''Homelander''': The Frenchman. ''[opens the door]'' Where are the others? Where's Sage? :''[Frenchie says nothing and gives Homelander the middle finger]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, ha-ha-ha. ''[pause; walks into the chamber]'' You don't really think you're gonna recreate Soldier Boy's little party trick, do you? :'''Frenchie''': We already did. And they're coming for you as we speak. So gargle my hairy nutsack, you Nazi ''putain''. And gargle on this. :''[Frenchie flips a lever up to expose Homelander and himself to radiation. They both groan in pain as their faces start blistering.]'' :'''Frenchie''': Look at you. I bet you never danced a day in your life. ==''"Blood and Bone"'' [5.08]== :'''Homelander''': It's alright. I'm not here to hurt you. :'''Ryan''': You mean like last time? :'''Homelander''': Look at you. No harm done. :'''Ryan''': How'd you find me? :'''Homelander''': Crime Analytics caught wind of a young man flying outside Kolvereid. Tends to draw attention. :'''Ryan''': I don't want your help. :'''Homelander''': I know. You've made that very clear. But you're also the son of God, and you should not be sleeping in a barn. You can have a whole floor of the Tower. Do what you want with it, come and go as you please. :'''Ryan''': I don't wanna be anywhere near you. :'''Homelander''': Everything is different now. I've ascended. I'm immortal. :'''Ryan''': Then, why do you give a shit about what happens to me? :'''Homelander''': Because we're family. ''[Ryan scoffs]'' We have the same blood pumping through our veins. :'''Ryan''': Yeah, well, you've got your shitty racist dad. So you don't need me. :'''Homelander''': No, Soldier Boy doesn't matter. You and I, that's all that matters. I know you, because I ''am'' you. And you're me. :'''Ryan''': Dad… Get fuckеd. I am nothing like you. You were already the most powerful person on Earth. And you were a lonely, miserable piece of fucking shit, throwing tantrums when you didn't get what you want. Why the fuck would more power make you any better? It's just gonna make you an even more lonely, miserable piece of shit. Scaring people into calling you God doesn't make you God. And deep down, you know that. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; tearfully sighs]'' It's okay. You don't know what's going on. It's okay… but you will. <hr width='50%'> :''[After M.M. kills Oh Father by blocking his mouth with a metal mouth gag, causing his head to explode and spill blood all around]'' :'''Hughie''': I really need a new job. <hr width='50%'> :'''The Deep''': Starlight... It was all a test. Yes! The universe is rewarding me for my loyalty, just like [[w:Sean Connery|Sean Connery]] rewarded [[w:Kevin Costner|Costner]] at the end of ''[[w:Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves|Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]''! :'''Hughie''': Sweet ''Jesus'', you're a moron. :'''The Deep''': ''[glances at him in annoyance, then points at Starlight]'' I'm gonna kill you. And then Homelander will finally see. :'''Annie''': ''[to M.M. and Hughie]'' I got him. Keep going. :''[She lunges at the Deep, carrying them both through a window and across Washington before they crash land on a seashore. They both pick themselves up, and the Deep keeps trying to attack her.]'' :'''Annie''': Why are you doing this, huh? Risking your life for a man who wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire? :'''The Deep''': I'm his right-hand bro! He'll piss on me whenever I want! :'''Annie''': Listen... I know you're scared-- :'''The Deep''': I'm not scared of shit! :'''Annie''': Deep, ''Kevin''... I can see in your eyes. Homelander terrifies you, but he sure as fuck doesn't respect you. Don't you wanna be free of it? Of him? :'''The Deep''': That fucking mouth of yours...! :'''Annie''': This isn't about me. :'''The Deep''': OF COURSE IT IS! I used to have it all! Real power, respect, a Top 50 STARmeter on [[w:IMDb|IMDb]] Pro! But all the bad shit started when ''you'' showed up! I LOST EVERYTHING! :'''Annie''': ''You'' made those fucked-up choices. You ruined your own life. You're not a fucking baby. For once, take some responsibility for yourself. :'''The Deep''': ''[exploding with rage] '''NOOOO!''''' :''[They fight, and though the Deep manages to knock her to the ground once, Annie delivers several heavy blows, including one to his groin, before blasting him and sending him flying backwards into the sea. He is immediately surrounded by a mob of angry sharks.]'' :'''Sharks''': Justice for Ambrosius! :'''The Deep''': ''[terrified]'' Oh my God! Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Stay away from me! :''[He pitifully tries to swim back to shore, but a [[w:Giant Pacific octopus|giant octopus]] grabs him by the leg.]'' :'''Octopus''': Say her name! :'''The Deep''': Fuck! I'm sorry! Oh, shit! :''[The octopus uses its tentacle to impale him through his backside, the tip erupting from his mouth. He is then dragged under, and the sharks devour him in a cloud of blood as Annie watches in shock.]'' :'''Annie''': ...Huh. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander gives his Easter address from the Oval Office and begins reading from a teleprompter]'' :'''Homelander''': My fellow Americans... Happy Easter. A day commemorating Jesus, who, as we all know, was tortured, stripped of his dignity and killed. And that's all well and good.. but you're Americans. You deserve a God who doesn't die. A God who fights back. A God you can believe in. Well, today, I bring you good news. Recently, I was visited by an exquisite angel bearing the gift of revelation. As I bathed in her light, her heavenly lips spilled sweet truth into my ear, and I was awakened to my true purpose. Not just to be the world's greatest hero but to save all humanity. To be... the Second Coming. But in a way, really, I'm the First Coming. America... I am the Lord. Your savior. ''I am your God.'' And as such, I'm going to usher this world into a new, golden dawn. An age in which your God moves among you, seen and heard. Your prayers are truly answered when you visit "homelander.church." And all I ask for in return… I simply ask that you open your hearts and put your faith in me. Those who accept my truth will be welcomed into a land of milk and honey. For I am your Fa… :''[Homelander stares blankly at the teleprompter when he sees the word "Father"]'' :'''Homelander''': I am… ''[beat]'' But no matter what I do, some of you people will never accept me into your hearts. Never love me. Never believe in me. And to such heretics, I offer oblivion. And those who seek to destroy me, you will die the most horrible of deaths, as befits your wickedness. My reign will last forever, and when this world is cold and dead, I shall remain. Eternal. God of the ashes. :''[Butcher and Kimiko suddenly break into the Oval Office]'' :'''Butcher''': Evening, cunts. Daddy's home.  :'''Homelander''': William. ''[pause]'' I was starting to think you weren't going to hold up your end of our deal. :'''Butcher''': Scorched earth? :'''Homelander''': A shame about the French one. How's your little science experiment going without him? :'''Butcher''': Let's find out. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander is now at Butcher's mercy after losing his powers]'' :'''Butcher''': Shock and awe, my son. Blood and fuckin' bone. :''[Homelander charges toward Butcher, who grabs Homelander's fist with his left hand and punches him three times with the other. Butcher grabs Homelander again and prepares to land another punch.]'' :'''Butcher''': This... is for Frenchie. :''[Butcher beats Homelander's face to a bloody pulp, knocking him down to the floor and leaving him blubbering in fear]'' :'''Homelander''': Stop! You owe me. All the times I could've killed you and I didn't, I let you live. I'll–I'll give you Vought. ''[Butcher picks up his crowbar]'' I'll give you Vought, alright? You can do whatever you want with it, okay? I'll–I'll... ''[stammers]'' Becca. You want your wife back? I'll have a shape-shifter be her. ''[whimpers]'' Just tell me! I'll fucking suck your dіck! Please! I'll do anything! You want me to eat shit? I'll eat your fucking shit! I'll eat your fucking shit on live TV! ''[pause; Butcher knocks him down against the desk]'' Madelyn, you promised me. It's not real. ''[to Butcher]'' You can't fucking do this. ''You can't fucking do this! '''I am the Homelander!''''' :'''Butcher''': No. No, you ain't nothing. And this... This is for my Becca. :'''Homelander''': No, no... :''[Butcher stabs Homelander in the head with the crowbar. He lifts it upwards, breaking Homelander's skull open and spilling his brains all over the desk.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie confronts Butcher at Vought Tower to stop him from releasing the Supe virus. Butcher is looking out the window when Hughie enters the main conference room.]'' :'''Butcher''': Traffic? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Accident on the bridge. Should've taken the tunnel. :'''Butcher''': ''[turns around]'' I thought you might try to stop me. But you shouldn't have come alone. You should've brought a fuckin' army. :'''Hughie''': No. If you were gonna release the virus, you would've done it already. :'''Butcher''': Unless... I'm waitin' for all the Supe cunts to clock in for the day shift. Not much point shootin' spunk into an empty fuckin' building, now is there? :'''Hughie''': Okay, well, now I kinda wish I brought an army. Where's the virus, Butcher? :'''Butcher''': I dumped it in the sprinkler tank. Frenchie's idea, God rest the mad bastard. ''[picks up remote controller]'' All I gotta do is pull this trigger, and it rains kill juice on all 99 floors. Shit will be worldwide within a couple of days. :'''Hughie''': Why? I mean, we already won. :'''Butcher''': Won? No, we just gave 'em a black eye. As long as there's Vought, there'll be Supes. And sooner or later, some cunt that's already out there becomes the next Homelander, and you fuckin' know it. No. We need to end the whole bloody notion of Supes, and we need to make it permanent. I mean, you can see it, right? This is it. This is the moment. :'''Hughie''': You dragged me through fucking hell... for this. For now. To be your... canary. Or your Kessler. Or Lenny. But here's the thing: You don't need me for that. You never did. It's already in you. I can see it. You might have a broken fucking heart, but you have one. You are not a monster, Butcher. It just hurts to be human. :'''Butcher''': I'm sorry, mate. Superheroes... are done. :'''Hughie''': ''[pulls out gun]'' I can't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Petit Hughie and his gun. Takes some big bollocks to pull the trigger on a mate. :'''Hughie''': ''[aims the gun at Butcher]'' I will if I have to. :'''Butcher''': ''[chuckles]'' Nah. You ain't got the… :''[Butcher takes the gun from Hughie, punches him and throws him across the room]'' :'''Butcher''': Stay down. :''[Butcher sees Hughie staring at the remote and rushes to take it before Hughie does. Hughie quickly gets up and trades more blows with Butcher, spitting blood onto the floor after getting punched hard in the gut. Eventually, Butcher gains the upper hand and picks up the remote while Hughie lies helpless on the floor. Before he can pull the remote trigger, he has a hallucination of Lenny lying in Hughie's place. He gets shot in the abdomen by Hughie as he moves his finger away from the trigger. Realizing what he did, Hughie rushes to Butcher's side.]'' :'''Hughie''': I'm sorry. Um... I didn't wanna–I didn't wanna do that. Um... I'm–I'm gonna call an ambulance, okay? :'''Butcher''': I wouldn't bother. It's all right, Hughie. I gave you no choice. I... I wasn't gonna stop. All the blood... and shite I put you through... and none of it made a blind bit of difference. You–You stayed yourself... no matter what I done. ''[coughs]'' :'''Hughie''': Hey. :'''Butcher''': …I don't know what to do. :'''Hughie''': You don't need to do anything. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat; Hughie holds his hand]'' You really are... the spittin' of Lenny. :''[Butcher slowly loses his grip on Hughie as he dies]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': ''[last lines; to his and Annie's unborn daughter]'' Take care of your mom, Robin. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|The Boys season 5}} {{The Boys}} [[Category:The Boys (TV series) seasons]] jqyxyfkl3kwky23ai2diwyxwi9opp94 0 307262 3944357 3944088 2026-05-23T02:51:59Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* TV Series */ 3944357 wikitext text/x-wiki Following is a list of last words from ''[[w:The Boys (franchise)|The Boys]]'' franchise. {{Stub}} ==Comics== *'''But this has nothing to do with that...''' **Who: Queen Maeve **Source: Issue #63 **Note: Said to Homelander, who decapitates her with a punch. *'''<big>YOU FUCKING FUCKING FUCK!! YOU FUCKED MY LIFE!!!</big>''' **Who: Homelander **Source: Issue #65 **Note: Beaten and torn apart by Black Noir, who is revealed to be a clone of Homelander created by Vought-American as a fail-safe to kill him if he ever went rogue. *'''HHEEENNNHHHH. HHEEENNNHHHH.''' HHEENNNHHH. '''HHEENNNHHH. HEE--''' **Who: Black Noir **Source: Issue #65 **Note: Black Noir's brain is crushed after Butcher cracks open his skull with a crowbar. ==TV Series== ===''[[The Boys (TV series)|The Boys]]'' (2019-2026)=== *'''Well, I mean, we can't keep, you know, laying pipe at your dad's place. Trying to be all quiet. Staring up at that dumb Billy Joel post- ...poster.''' **Who: Robin Ward **Source: Season 1, Episode 1 "The Name of the Game" **Note: Said to Hughie Campbell before she is accidentally disintegrated by A-Train, who is running at superhuman speed while intoxicated by Compound V, briefly acknowledging the accident before running away. *'''Oh, my God.''' **Who: Mayor Steve of Baltimore **Source: Season 1, Episode 1 "The Name of the Game" **Note: Said after Homelander fires his heat vision in the plane Steve and his son are at. *'''Aren't you guys friends?''' **Who: Mason **Source: Season 1, Episode 1 "The Name of the Game" **Note: Said to his father Mayor Steve before Homelander fires his heat vision in the plane he is at. *'''Attaboy.''' **Who: Translucent **Source: Season 1, Episode 2 "Cherry" **Note: Said to Hughie after he lets him out, only for Hughie to blow him up with a detonator implanted on him by Butcher and Frenchie. *'''I'm a filthy little pig who likes to eat ass.''' **Who: Aleksy Lutz **Source: Season 1, Episode 3 "Get Some" **Note: Aleksy’s head is accidentally crushed by Popclaw. *'''Mani? Pedi? Special deal.''' **Who: Roberta Cho **Source: Season 1, Episode 4 "The Female of the Species" **Note: Beaten and torn apart by Kimiko. *'''Why?''' **Who: Popclaw **Source: Season 1, Episode 5 "Good for the Soul" **Note: Forced into a heroin overdose by A-Train. *'''Please, I have a daughter! NO!''' **Who: Mesmer **Source: Season 1, Episode 7 "The Self-Preservation Society" **Note: Beaten to death by Butcher. *'''I'm scared of you...''' **Who: Madelyn Stillwell **Source: Season 1, Episode 8 "You Found Me" **Note: Killed by Homelander, who burns her face with heat vision. *'''BURN IN TRUTH!''' **Who: Naqib **Source: Season 2, Episode 1 "The Big Ride" **Note: Spoken in Arabic; decapitated by Black Noir. *'''The whole picture? It's Vought. It's a fucking coup from the inside.''' **Who: Susan Raynor **Source: Season 2, Episode 1 "The Big Ride" **Note: Said before her head is exploded by Victoria Neuman. *'''I love you too.''' **Who: Kenji Miyashiro **Source: Season 2, Episode 3 "Over the Hill with the Swords of a Thousand Men" **Note: Spoken in Japanese to his sister Kimiko; Kenji's neck is snapped by Stormfront. *'''Why are you doing this to me, lady? 'Aren't you supposed to be a hero?!''' **Who: Myron Hunter **Source: Season 2, Episode 4 "Nothing Like It in the World" **Note: He was killed by Liberty in a racially motivated beating after falsely accusing him of committing a robbery due to fitting the suspect's profile. *'''Oh, you're so special. The most special man on the planet. Everybody loves you. Everybody. Their love is your strength.''' **Who: Doppelganger **Source: Season 2, Episode 4 "Nothing Like It in the World" **Note: His neck is snapped by Homelander. *'''I'm not doing any more of these stupid pet tricks until I talk to my sister!''' **Who: Tim **Source: Season 2, Episode 6 "The Bloody Doors Off" **Note: Burned alive by Lamplighter. *'''I don't want them to hurt me again...''' **Who: Sage Grove EMP Supe **Source: Season 2, Episode 6 "The Bloody Doors Off" **Note: Blown up by Cindy during a riot. *'''I just wanted to make my dad proud...''' **Who: Lamplighter **Source: Season 2, Episode 7 "Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker" **Note: Commits suicide by immolation after realizing Vought erased his legacy. *'''I do.''' **Who: Jonah Vogelbaum **Source: Season 2, Episode 7 "Butcher, Baker, Candlestick Maker" **Note: Head blown up by Victoria Neuman to stop him from testifying against Vought, on Stan Edgar's orders. *'''You promised me you'd keep him safe.''' **Who: Rebecca "Becca" Butcher **Source: Season 2, Episode 8 "What I Know" **Note: Throat accidentally cut with lasers by her son Ryan when he tried to kill Stormfront. *'''Wait. Please... ''Please''.''' **Who: Stormfront **Source: Season 2, Episode 4 "What I Know" **Note: Critically injured by Ryan's heat vision. Those are her last spoken lines before she commits suicide off-screen. *'''No. No, please. Oh God, OH GOD!''' **Who: Chelsea **Source: Season 3, Episode 2 "The Only Man in the Sky" **Note: Forced to jump off a building by Homelander. *'''Okay, please! Please, look. Fuck, I told you everything I know. Alright? Please, just, just–''' **Who: Gunpowder **Source: Season 3, Episode 2 "The Only Man in the Sky" **Note: Head accidentally lasered in half by Billy Butcher for trying to kill him. *'''Fuck! FUCK!''' **Who: Swatto **Source: Season 3, Episode 4 "Barbary Coast" **Note: Blown up with a missile during an attack by Russian soldiers. *'''I didn't love you. I hated you. We all did.''' **Who: Crimson Countess **Source: Season 3, Episode 4 "The Last Time to Look on This World of Lies" **Note: Incinerated by Soldier Boy for selling him out to the Russians. *'''TNT! Detonate!''' **Who: TNT Twins **Source: Season 3, Episode 6 "Herogasm" **Note: Accidentally incinerated by Soldier Boy after he had a PTSD-induced flashback. *'''The fuck?! Get your fucking hands off me!''' **Who: Blue Hawk **Source: Season 3, Episode 6 "Herogasm" **Note: Dragged to death by A-Train for paralyzing Nathan. *'''HELP ME! SOMEONE, PLEASE HELP-''' **Who: Termite **Source: Season 3, Episode 6 "Herogasm" **Note: Left powerless by Soldier Boy's radioactive blast, and stepped on by Homelander. *'''Come off it, Billy. You always have been, 'cause anyone who's ever loved you, you end up getting them killed, don't you? Me. Becca. Now Hughie, the last person on God's green earth trying to stop you from being a monster and what do you do? Drag him down to your level. When he dies, and he will, then no one can stop you. Can they?''' **Who: Lenny Butcher **Source: Season 3, Episode 7 "Here Comes a Candle to Light You to Bed" **Note: Said in a hypnosis-induced nightmare; Shot himself in the head after being abandoned by Billy with their abusive father. *'''They gave him the green-light!''' **Who: Mindstorm **Source: Season 3, Episode 7 "Here Comes a Candle to Light You to Bed" **Note: Stabbed to death by Soldier Boy for selling him out to the Russians. *'''MUST KILL HIM''' **Source: Season 3, Episode 8 "The Instant White-Hot Wild" **Note: Punctured through chest and disemboweled by Homelander for not telling him about his father. Said words are written. *'''FUCK YOU, FASCIST!''' **Who: Ronan Keatings **Source: Season 3, Episode 8 "The Instant White-Hot Wild" **Note: Lasered by Homelander for throwing a can at Ryan. *'''JESUS!''' **Who: Todd **Source: Season 4, Episode 1 "Department of Dirty Tricks" **Note: Beaten to death with a bat by Black Noir II, on Homelander's orders, orchestrated by Sister Sage. *'''Who are you?''' **Who: Koy **Source: Season 4, Episode 2 "Life Among the Septics" **Note: Accidentally thrown into a building by Ryan Butcher during a fake mission, on Homelander's orders. *'''You know, you-''' **Who: Splinter **Source: Season 4, Episode 2 "Life Among the Septics" **Note: Stabbed in the head with a crowbar by Billy Butcher in self-defense. *'''Yes, Starlight did call me a few days ago. She just... Wanted some help tracking-''' **Who: Anika **Source: Season 4, Episode 3 "We'll Keep the Red Flag Flying Here" **Note: Lasered in the head by Homelander for contacting Starlight. *'''''Homelander! DON'T DO THIS! No!''''' **Who: Frank **Source: Season 4, Episode 4 "Wisdom of the Ages" **Note: Incinerated by Homelander in a oven in revenge. *'''I'm sorry...''' **Who: Martin **Source: Season 4, Episode 4 "Wisdom of the Ages" **Note: Head crushed by Homelander after being lasered through the groin in revenge. *'''What do you think you're doing?''' **Who: Ezekiel **Source: Season 4, Episode 4 "Wisdom of the Ages" **Note: Eviscerated by Butcher ("Joe Kessler") offscreen *'''SOMEONE SET ME UP! SOMEONE SET ME UP! ''I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!''''' **Who: Cameron Coleman **Source: Season 4, Episode 5 "Beware the Jabberwock, My Son" **Note: Beaten to death by the The Deep, Black Noir II, Firecracker, Cate Dunlap, Sam Riordan and Tek Knight, on Homelander's orders, set up by Ashley Barrett, orchestrated by Sister Sage. *'''Oh, yeah! The three of us... The three of us... Visit all those... those spots where... Tom... Tom Hanks...''' **Who: Hugh Campbell Sr. **Source: Season 4, Episode 5 "Beware the Jabberwock, My Son" **Note: Euthanized by Hughie Campbell to stop the side-effects of Compound V. *'''Look, I don't know anything else, okay?! That's all!''' **Who: Tek Knight **Source: Season 4, Episode 6 "Dirty Business" **Note: Strangled by Elijah. *'''It wasn't me. No, please!''' **Who: Webweaver **Source: Season 4, Episode 7 "The Insider" **Note: Ripped in half by Homelander after being discovered by Firecracker as a spy of The Boys. *'''I love you...''' **Who: Ambrosius **Source: Season 4, Episode 7 "The Insider" **Note: Suffocated after her tank was broken by The Deep. *'''You couldn't even blast yourself out, could you?''' **Who: The Shapeshifter **Source: Season 4, Episode 8 "Season 4 Finale" **Note: Strangled to death by Starlight to save Robert Singer and The Boys. *'''N-No, I'm not, I swear...''' **Who: Evan Lambert **Source: Season 4, Episode 8 "Season 4 Finale" **Note: Face crushed with a punch by The Deep during a purge of Vought employees, on Homelander's orders. *'''''I'm sorry.''''' **Who: Grace Mallory **Source: Season 4, Episode 8 "Season 4 Finale" **Note: Neck broken accidentally after being thrown into a wall by Ryan Butcher for trying to detain him. *'''I will owe you many.''' **Who: Victoria Neuman **Source: Season 4, Episode 8 "Season 4 Finale" **Note: Ripped in half by Billy Butcher ("Joe Kessler") after attempting to ally with The Boys. *'''I-It ain't gonna change nothing!''' **Who: Sam Butcher **Source: Season 5, Episode 1 "Fifteen Inches of Sheer Dynamite" **Note: Killed by Billy Butcher and his body thrown into the River Thames offscreen. *'''You’re just an empty fucking suit. Take away those powers…and what are you, huh? A pathetic, weak, sniveling fucking loser.''' **Who: A-Train **Source: Season 5, Episode 1 "Fifteen Inches of Sheer Dynamite" **Note: Neck broken by Homelander. *'''No virus. Bitch, I will shoot hot cum in your face.''' **Who: Rock Hard **Source: Season 5, Episode 2 "Teenage Kix" **Note: Spoken through text-to-speech program; Killed by the Supe Virus released by Frenchie. *'''Bro! Do ''not'' nut right now.''' **Who: Jetstreak **Source: Season 5, Episode 2 "Teenage Kix" **Note: Killed by the Supe Virus released by Frenchie. *'''My ass hurts so fucking much.''' **Who: Adam Bourke **Source: Season 5, Episode 5 "One-Shots" **Note: Disemboweled by an eel on the orders of The Deep *'''I don't know, I haven't talked to him in, like, five years. I swear man, I swear to God. Please! Oh, my...''' **Who: Mr. Marathon **Source: Season 5, Episode 5 "One-Shots" **Note: Said to Soldier Boy about Bombsight before Homelander crushes his head with his foot. *'''But I do believe in you. I love you! I am the only one here who ever has! I gave you everything! I gave you my soul! Everybody else here, they're just... They're just scared of you. Or they want something from you, but I have always loved you for you. Just the strongest, smartest, best man on Earth.''' ''('''Homelander''': "Man?")'' '''No, no, no, no, no. A god. No. No, the God. My Lord, that look you used to get when you'd suckle me? I felt like Mother Mary herself. I felt blessed to nourish someone as important as you. [pause; Homelander sighs] But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it? You cast me out into the cold, which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place. So all I have been tryin' to do is to get you to see me the way that you used to. Hell, only reason I was with Soldier Boy was that your reflected light is better than no light at all. Please, sir. I love you. We all need love, don't we? Even God.''' **Who: Firecracker **Source: Season 5, Episode 5 "One-Shots" **Note: Killed by Homelander, who impaled her head on the left wing of an eagle statue. *'''We know, Kevin. We know it was you.''' **Who: Jeremy **Source: Season 5, Episode 6 "Though the Heavens Fall" **Note: Killed along with 1.4 billion fish due to dydrocarbon intoxication following the Alaskan oil spill. Caused by Black Noir II by puncturing a drainpipe to frame the Deep. *'''Sucks to suck, dipshit.''' ''(Soundboard: "'''Stop. Loser. Br-Br-Bro.'''")'' '''So let's record this stupid fucking thing.''' **Who: Black Noir II **Source: Season 5, Episode 6 "Though the Heavens Fall" **Note: After revealing he caused the pipeline genocide in Alaska, Black Noir II says this before the Deep kills him in a fit of rage by slicing his throat with his own dagger. *'''Hey, some kid shit on the floor in the men's room again.''' **Who: Tanner **Source: Season 5, Episode 6 "Though the Heavens Fall" **Note: Body lasered in half by Homelander. *'''What the ''fuck'' is that?!''' **Who: President Steven Calhoun **Source: Season 5, Episode 7 "The Frenchman, the Female, and the Man Called Mother's Milk" **Note: Horrified with Ashley Barrett's "Bashley" face before his head is crushed by Homelander for being a "non-believer". *'''Je t'aime, from the very start.''' **Who: Serge / Frenchie **Source: Season 5, Episode 7 "The Frenchman, the Female, and the Man Called Mother's Milk" **Note: Said to Kimiko before succumbing to the effects of radiation poisoning. *'''Right?''' **Who: Gunter van Ellis **Source: Season 5, Episode 8 "Blood and Bone" **Note: Suffocated after being flown into space by Homelander. *'''Where's Butcher?''' **Who: Oh Father **Source: Season 5, Episode 8 "Blood and Bone" **Note: Said to Hughie before attempting to blast him with his sonic scream, only for Mother's Milk to put a titanium mouth gag in his mouth, causing him to blow his head up with his own powers. *'''I'm sorry! Oh, shit...''' **Who: The Deep **Source: Season 5, Episode 8 "Blood and Bone" **Note: After being blasted into the ocean by Starlight, the Deep is cornered by numerous sea animals who blame him for the the pipeline genocide and sought to avenge Ambrosius. As The Deep tries desperately swim back to shore, he is eventually trapped and killed by the tentacle of a squid, as his corpse soon falls back in the deep water. *'''Madelyn, you promised me. It's not real. You can't fucking do this. You can't fucking do this! I am the Homelander!''' (''Billy: No, you ain't nothing. And this... this is for my Becca.'') '''No... nuh...''' **Who: Homelander **Source: Season 5, Episode 8 "Blood and Bone" **Note: After Kimiko (who was enhanced with enriched uranium to receive Soldier Boy's replicated nuclear depowering beam) renders him powerless, Homelander says this before Butcher impales his skull with a crowbar, and rips his brain apart, killing him. *'''You really are... the spittin' of Lenny...''' **Who: Billy Butcher **Source: Season 5, Episode 8 "Blood and Bone" **Note: Said to Hughie, who shot and killed him to stop him. ===''[[Gen V]]'' (2023-2025)=== *'''Most of you are, perfect specimens a super-abled excellence, but, if I'm being totally honest, you are the worst pre-call I have ever met, and you don't even go there sweetheart.''' ''('''Jordan Li''': "You fucking asshole! I'm gonna kill you!")'' '''And the only thing worse than weakness... is treason, you have all betrayed your kind... There is no place for you here in this school, or in the world to come.''' **Who: Dr. Thomas R. Godolkin **Source: Season 2, Episode 8: "Trojan" **Note: Said while possessing Marie, only to be incapacitated by Polarity, before his head is blown up by Marie; events are set up by Sister Sage. ===''[[The Boys Presents: Diabolical]]'' (2022)=== *'''Come on! Papa needs a new pair of SHOES!''' **Who: The Great Wide Wonder **Source: Episode 3: "I'm Your Pusher" **Note: Poisoned by a chemical made by Frenchie and mixed with his heroin enema liquid, the Great Wide Wonder enters a drug induced excitement state. During a festive "Hall of Fame" event hosted by Homelander, the Great Wide Wonder uncontrollably flies right through Ironcast's stomach, gruesomely killing them both. ==External links== {{The Boys}} {{DISPLAYTITLE:Last words in ''The Boys'' media}} [[Category:Fictional last words|Boys, The]] [[Category:The Boys]] c7n8anyuigrjspmydt6y93ij9x734uc 0 307419 3944443 3942325 2026-05-23T11:50:06Z GrimRob 1187925 speedy deletion 3944443 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Delete|unsourced and Marialuisa Mainenti is not in Wikidata so I assume not notable}} " The humility is learned from the earth" : Marialuisa Mainenti, black crown,2021, Italy . ikivjd8ttclybybzdcwb5lyjb717h2d 0 307474 3944439 3942627 2026-05-23T11:44:32Z GrimRob 1187925 thumbnail added 3944439 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:FishbackPortrait (B cropped).jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:James Fishback |James Thomas Fishback]]''' (born January 1, 1995) is an American investor and political candidate for the Republican nomination in the 2026 Florida gubernatorial election. Fishback worked for hedge fund Greenlight Capital from 2021 until 2023. He founded Azoria Partners, an investment management firm that later launched an ETF before it was shut down by the company's independent trustees over legal concerns. In the summer of 2025, Fishback made attempts to associate himself with President Donald Trump, falsely claiming to have been an advisor at the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) and later launching an unsuccessful campaign to be nominated to the Federal Reserve Board of Governors. In November 2025, Fishback launched a campaign for the Republican nomination for Florida governor. Fishback has been involved in various legal disputes. In 2022, the Broward County School District cut ties with him and a debate league he ran following allegations that he sexually groomed an underage girl while running in-person debate tournaments for middle and high school students that she participated in. Fishback denied the allegations and threatened to sue the parents who made them, but later moved in with and was briefly engaged to her after she turned 18. In 2023, Fishback initiated a dispute with his former employer, Greenlight Capital, regarding his job title; the dispute culminated in Fishback's 2025 admission that he had illicitly shared and used confidential Greenlight information. == Quotes == * You should be lynched. ** Answered to a black person on a question regarding allegations that Fishback had a sexual relationship with a 17 year old girl, quoted in [https://www.al.com/politics/2026/04/you-should-be-lynched-florida-gop-governor-candidate-faces-backlash-over-slur-to-black-voter.html "‘You should be lynched’: Florida GOP governor candidate faces backlash over slur to Black voter"] ''AL.com'' (April 3, 2026) * I respect President Trump, but if he brings 500,000 Chinese students to Florida colleges, I will raise tuition on them to $1,000,000/year. As Governor, I refuse to let the limited admission spots at our taxpayer-funded colleges be stolen by foreigners. ** [https://newrepublic.com/post/210539/maga-reeling-trump-welcomes-chinese-students-us-farms-xi "Trump Just Hit a Pathetic New Low"] ''The New Republic'' (May 18, 2026) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] iaekjloc9uh3ezsifkxl71fgpky7dtu 0 307625 3944198 2026-05-22T14:52:44Z ~2026-30669-98 3327327 Created page with "[[File:Alessio Figalli.jpg|thumb|Alessio Figalli]] '''[[w:Alessio Figalli|Alessio Figalli]]''' is an Italian [[w:mathematician|mathematician]] working primarily on the [[w:calculus of variations|calculus of variations]] and [[w:partial differential equation|partial differential equation]]s. He was awarded the Peccot-Vimont Prize and the [[w:Peccot Lectures|Peccot Lectures]] in 2012, the [[w:EMS Prize|EMS Prize]] in 2012, the [[w:Stampacchia Medal|Stampacchia Medal]] in 2..." 3944198 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alessio Figalli.jpg|thumb|Alessio Figalli]] '''[[w:Alessio Figalli|Alessio Figalli]]''' is an Italian [[w:mathematician|mathematician]] working primarily on the [[w:calculus of variations|calculus of variations]] and [[w:partial differential equation|partial differential equation]]s. He was awarded the Peccot-Vimont Prize and the [[w:Peccot Lectures|Peccot Lectures]] in 2012, the [[w:EMS Prize|EMS Prize]] in 2012, the [[w:Stampacchia Medal|Stampacchia Medal]] in 2015, the [[w:Feltrinelli Prize|Feltrinelli Prize]] in 2017, and the [[w:Fields Medal|Fields Medal]] in 2018. He was an [[w:list of International Congresses of Mathematicians Plenary and Invited Speakers|invited speaker at the International Congress of Mathematicians]] 2014. ==Quotes== ===Interviews=== :'''<smal>From an interview by Alessio Sgherza, ''[https://rep.repubblica.it/pwa/intervista/2018/08/01/news/_io_dalle_olimpiadi_della_matematica_alla_medaglia_fields_alessio_figalli_si_racconta_a_repubblica-203133494/ “Così ho vinto il 'Nobel' della matematica”]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 1 August 2018</small>''' *In my view, the main problem with mathematics is that there are many preconceptions; people think it is a dry subject that has remained unchanged since [[Euclid]]’s time. In reality, it is an extremely dynamic discipline; indeed, it has never been as dynamic as it has been over the last 30 years, and it has applications in many areas of everyday life. *Fundamental discoveries such as radio and television were made thanks to theoretical studies that had existed in mathematics for over a hundred years. There is applied mathematics, which seeks to get straight to the point, and then there is theoretical mathematics, which may seem abstract, almost philosophical, but has applications that one cannot even imagine at the time of discovery. *(Regarding [[w:Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel|Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel]])There is a hotel with an infinite number of rooms: 1, 2, 3… An infinite number of guests arrive and fill all the rooms. Then another person arrives, but you’ve filled all the rooms. What do you do? You tell the person in room 1 to go to room 2, the one in room 2 to room 3, and so on. And you’ve freed up a room: infinity plus one is always infinity. Do more infinite guests arrive? The same mechanism no longer works, because you would never finish freeing up rooms in a chain reaction. So you move the person in room 1 to room 2, from 2 to 4, from 3 to 6 and so on. This way you have infinite free rooms (because odd numbers are infinite) and you can let all the new guests in – everyone has a room. *I didn’t leave because Italy didn’t want me. In my case, other countries offered me opportunities much sooner than anyone could have imagined. I applied for a research post in France in my first year of my PhD and they took me on. Doors opened up for me and I took advantage of them. I found myself becoming a citizen of the world more by chance than by design. :'''small>''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/18_agosto_02/alessio-figalli-fare-calcoli-creativo-tornare-casa-chissa-6e52f702-95ca-11e8-819d-89f988769835.shtml Il Nobel Figalli: "La matematica è creativa. Tornare a casa? Chissà."]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 18 August 202</small>''' *Un evento molto importante per me sono state le Olimpiadi della Matematica durante gli ultimi anni del liceo. Risolvendo gli esercizi mi divertivo, era un passatempo piacevole e mi dava un forte stimolo nello studiare di più. :*A very important event for me was the Maths Olympiad during my final years at sixth form. I enjoyed solving the problems; it was a pleasant pastime and gave me a real incentive to study harder. *Quando ormai mi vedevo ben inserito nel sistema e nella vita francese visitai l’Università del Texas, a Austin. Mostrarono interesse nei miei confronti e mi proposero di fare il docente. L’idea di viverci qualche anno mi sembrò interessante e accettai. :*By the time I felt I had settled in well within the French system and way of life, I visited the University of Texas in Austin. They showed an interest in me and offered me a teaching post. The idea of living there for a few years appealed to me, so I accepted. *Durante il periodo scolastico abbiamo una visione della matematica come di una materia arida, fatta di regole fisse e immutabili. È assolutamente falso. Il matematico è una persona creativa che cerca di trovare una soluzione a problemi concreti. Basti pensare che senza gli studi matematici degli ultimi 150 anni non avremmo gli mp3, i Gps, la tv, la crittografia per i bancomat, i motori di ricerca come Google, la Tac, le risonanze magnetiche. :*During our school years we tend to view mathematics as a dry subject, consisting of fixed and unchanging rules. This is completely untrue. A mathematician is a creative person who seeks to find solutions to real-world problems. Just think: without the mathematical research of the last 150 years, we wouldn’t have MP3s, GPS, TV, encryption for cash machines, search engines like Google, CT scans or MRI scans. *Ho intrapreso la carriera universitaria perché mi dà la libertà di una ricerca pura e ora mi posso concede il lusso di lavorare su un problema per vari anni e ottenere il miglior risultato possibile. Il mio campo era il trasporto ottimale che teorizza il modo più economico di trasportare una distribuzione di massa da un luogo all’altro; un tema che ha applicazioni in problemi di natura economica e in tanti altri campi compresa la meteorologia migliorando le previsioni. :*I chose an academic career because it gives me the freedom to pursue pure research, and now I can afford the luxury of working on a problem for several years to achieve the best possible result. My field was optimal transport, which theorises the most economical way to transport a mass distribution from one place to another; a subject that has applications in economic problems and in many other fields, including meteorology, where it helps improve forecasts. :'''<small>From an interview by Eleonora Chioda, ''[https://www.corriere.it/economia/meravigliosamente/26_maggio_21/alessio-figalli-che-ha-dimostrato-il-movimento-delle-nuvole-la-matematica-e-una-vita-di-fallimenti-va-accettato-ai-ragazzi-non.shtml Alessio Figalli, che ha dimostrato il movimento delle nuvole: «La matematica insegna a fallire. Ai ragazzi non dite mai più "Non sei portato"»]'', ''Corirere della Sera'', 26 May 2021</smal>''' *In un mondo in cui tutto è imprevedibile, la matematica dà pace. Ha in sé qualcosa di eterno, perché una volta che un teorema è dimostrato, lo è per sempre. È una disciplina creativa e in continua evoluzione. :*'''In a world where everything is unpredictable, mathematics brings peace of mind. There is something eternal about it, because once a theorem has been proven, it remains so forever. It is a creative and ever-evolving discipline.''' *La natura in qualche modo tende a seguire un percorso matematico. :*Nature tends, in a way, to follow a mathematical path. *Quella del matematico è una vita fatta di fallimenti e di problemi non risolti. Ed è lì che impari. Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento. :*A mathematician’s life is one of failures and unsolved problems. And that is where you learn. You have to learn to live with failure. *Per me era un gioco intellettuale. Mi divertiva provare a risolvere i problemi. È lì che ho scoperto una cosa che non immaginavo: la matematica era creativa. E soprattutto era divertente. Mi sono iscritto a matematica alla Normale di Pisa senza avere davvero chiaro dove stessi andando o cosa volesse dire fare il matematico. La mia carriera non è stata dettata da scelte ponderate… :*For me, it was an intellectual game. I enjoyed trying to solve problems. That’s when I discovered something I’d never imagined: maths was creative. And above all, it was fun. I enrolled in the maths course at the [[w:Scuola Normale Superiore|Normale in Pisa]] without really knowing where I was heading or what it meant to be a mathematician. My career hasn’t been shaped by carefully considered choices… *Le grandi scoperte spesso nascono per amore della conoscenza. Perché qualcuno si interessa in maniera astratta a un problema, che poi solo dopo diventa il centro di molte applicazioni concrete. :*Great discoveries often arise out of a love of knowledge. Because someone takes an abstract interest in a problem, which only later becomes the focus of many practical applications. *[Matematica pura] significa costruire gli strumenti che permettono poi di capire se un modello funziona davvero: quando un’equazione descrive bene un fenomeno, quanto è stabile una soluzione, quanto ci si può fidare di una simulazione. :**[Pure mathematics] involves developing the tools that enable us to determine whether a model actually works: whether an equation accurately describes a phenomenon, how stable a solution is, and how reliable a simulation is. *Le persone pensano: c’è un’equazione, la metti in un computer e il computer la risolve. No, non funziona così. Dietro una simulazione climatica, un modello fisico o un sistema di intelligenza artificiale serve prima una teoria matematica robusta. Il computer può produrre simulazioni bellissime. Ma magari sono completamente sbagliate. :*People think: there’s an equation, you put it into a computer and the computer solves it. No, it doesn’t work like that. Behind a climate simulation, a physical model or an artificial intelligence system, there must first be a robust mathematical theory. The computer can produce stunning simulations. But they might be completely wrong. *Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento, cambiare prospettiva davanti a un problema oppure semplicemente accettare che non ci riesci. A scuola dovrebbero insegnarci la resilienza. Ci sono alcuni ragazzi che sui banchi soffrono tanto, ma poi a volte sono anche quelli che faranno meglio nella vita perché hanno imparato la resilienza. Ognuno di noi troverà un muro che in qualche modo deve superare, senza scoraggiarsi. :*You have to learn to live with failure, shift your perspective when faced with a problem, or simply accept that you can’t do it. They should teach us resilience at school. There are some children who struggle a great deal at school, but they are often the ones who will do best in life because they have learnt resilience. Each of us will come up against a barrier that we must somehow overcome, without losing heart. *l problema non è amare la matematica, il problema è non odiarla. Sono due cose diverse. La scuola dovrebbe insegnare a tutti i bambini che la matematica può essere una materia come le altre. Non arida, ma divertente. Dovremmo vietare l’espressione “tu non sei portato per la matematica”. Non si dovrebbe dire più. Perché ti autorizza a lasciar perdere. Invece l'alfabetizzazione matematica è alla portata di tutti. E non c'è nessuno che non sia in grado di farlo. Il problema è che la matematica è costruita a livelli, quindi se uno non ha capito una cosa, non riesce a capire quella dopo. E se a un bambino ripeterai che non è portato per la matematica, lui la rifiuterà a priori e si perderà i livelli. :*The problem isn’t loving maths; the problem is not hating it. They are two different things. Schools should teach all children that maths can be a subject just like any other. Not dry, but fun. We should ban the phrase ‘you’re not cut out for maths’. It shouldn’t be said anymore. Because it gives you permission to give up. Instead, mathematical literacy is within everyone’s reach. And there is no one who is incapable of it. The problem is that maths is built in layers, so if you haven’t understood one thing, you can’t understand the next. And if you keep telling a child they’re not cut out for maths, they’ll reject it outright and miss out on the layers. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Figalli, Alessio}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Mathematicians from Italy]] 8uax5n5rv1c7mn6fhkmrgx9z6modexw 0 307626 3944199 2026-05-22T14:54:29Z ~2026-30669-98 3327327 Created page with "[[File:Carlo Petrini.jpg|thumb|Carlo Petrini in 2010]] '''Carlo Petrini''', [[w:Sobriquet|AKA]] "Carlìn", (22 June 1949 – 21 May 2026) was an Italian activist, author, sociologist, and founder of the International [[w:Slow Food|Slow Food]] Movement, and ''Terra Madre'' festivals. ==Quotes== *[[w:Gastronomy|Gastronomy]] is about ethics, politics, science, economics and ecology. If a gastronome isn’t an environmentalist, they’re an idiot, because they’ll never..." 3944199 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Carlo Petrini.jpg|thumb|Carlo Petrini in 2010]] '''Carlo Petrini''', [[w:Sobriquet|AKA]] "Carlìn", (22 June 1949 – 21 May 2026) was an Italian activist, author, sociologist, and founder of the International [[w:Slow Food|Slow Food]] Movement, and ''Terra Madre'' festivals. ==Quotes== *[[w:Gastronomy|Gastronomy]] is about ethics, politics, science, economics and ecology. If a gastronome isn’t an environmentalist, they’re an idiot, because they’ll never know what they’re putting on their customers’ plates. :*From the speech ''In Italy 2022" held at the [[w:Università per Stranieri di Perugia|Università per Stranieri di Perugia]], 27 May 2022; as quoted in ''[http://www.umbria24.it/gusto24/carlo-petrini-fondatore-di-slow-food-a-perugia-la-gastronomia-non-e-intrattenimento-basta-sciocchi-in-tv Carlo Petrini, fondatore di Slow Food, a Perugia: «La gastronomia non è intrattenimento, basta sciocchi in tv»]'', ''umbria24.it'', 28 May 2022. *We Italians tend to think that "[[sustainability]]" is synonymous with protecting the environment and with financially viable business practices. Well, that is not the case; ‘sustainable’ means ‘long-lasting’. Our products must ‘last longer’; the focus should not be on increasing GDP growth, but on improving the quality of production, ensuring ethical standards, and adopting fair pricing policies. The old farming communities had non-wastefulness and the wise use of resources in their very DNA. Now we have reached a stage of intensive production, harmful to the environment and biodiversity, which is fuelled by neurotic consumerism. We are in a new historical era, a period of transition – the ecological transition – which will last for years, decades, perhaps a century. This is because this process is so essential and revolutionary that it will require a fundamental change in our way of life. It will affect the economy, social life, and, above all, the ways in which we travel, consume and produce. You young people are the protagonists of this change, which is, first and foremost, an ethical one. You must act always bearing in mind that the planet’s resources are finite (let us abandon the axiom that underpinned the Industrial Revolution!) and that the earth — your earth, our Mother Earth — is already suffering greatly. The gastronome must be an environmentalist, and environmentalists who are not lovers of gastronomy are to be pitied. It need not be so, for ethical gastronomy is a path towards liberation. :*From the speech ''In Italy 2022" held at the [[w:Università per Stranieri di Perugia|Università per Stranieri di Perugia]], 27 May 2022; as quoted in ''[http://www.umbria24.it/gusto24/carlo-petrini-fondatore-di-slow-food-a-perugia-la-gastronomia-non-e-intrattenimento-basta-sciocchi-in-tv Carlo Petrini, fondatore di Slow Food, a Perugia: «La gastronomia non è intrattenimento, basta sciocchi in tv»]'', ''umbria24.it'', 28 May 2022. ==[[w:Incipit|Incipit]] of some works== ===''Buono, pulito e giusto''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Buono, pulito e giusto'', Giunti/Slow Food Editore, 2016. ISBN 9788809820197</small> I would ask the reader for a little patience, as this chapter describes a well-known situation which I nevertheless consider essential as a prelude to the discussions that follow. A new gastronomic perspective cannot ignore certain observations, which must be made clear at the outset so that we may better understand the connections with gastronomic science later on, and grasp how the correct application of certain principles in the food sector can bring overall benefits in the future. ===''Cibo e libertà''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Cibo e libertà. Slow Food: storie di gastronomia per la liberazione'', Giunti/Slow Food Editore, 2013. ISBN 9788809787353</small> *I can still clearly picture Beppe Colla, then president of the Barolo Barbaresco Protection Consortium, weeping on television in the wake of the methanol wine scandal. His tears were barely contained, a mix of pride and despair. At that moment – it was early April 1986 – it truly seemed as though the entire Italian wine industry was finished. ===''Storie di Piemonte''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Storie di Piemonte'', Slow Food Editore, 2012. ISBN 9788884993137</small> *Manuela Ceruti is the daughter of a carpenter from Borgosesia, a town known since the second half of the 19th century for its spinning mills, whose economy has been based primarily on industry and craftsmanship. Like many other young people, Manuela left Borgosesia to study economics in Pavia and, until she was thirty, believed that her future lay elsewhere. ===''Terra Madre''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Terra Madre. Come non farci mangiare dal cibo'', Giunti/Slow Food Editore, 2009. ISBN 9788809744363</small> *Terra Madre is a new initiative that has been making its mark on the global political and economic landscape since 2003. It began as a major gathering of people from all over the world and soon evolved into a permanent network – or, if you prefer, a collection of networks – in which its members across the globe work day in, day out towards a new economic, agricultural, food and cultural model. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Petrini, Carlo}} [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:2026 deaths]] [[Category:Authors from Italy]] [[Category:Sociologists from Italy]] gmjbwfi8iylm3cwhahe8n50sj50nyzk 3944234 3944199 2026-05-22T17:31:24Z Normantas Bataitis 3082321 3944234 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Carlo Petrini.jpg|thumb|Carlo Petrini in 2010]] '''Carlo Petrini''', [[w:Sobriquet|AKA]] "Carlìn", ([[22 June]] [[1949]] – [[21 May]] [[2026]]) was an Italian activist, author, sociologist, and founder of the International [[w:Slow Food|Slow Food]] Movement, and ''Terra Madre'' festivals. ==Quotes== *[[w:Gastronomy|Gastronomy]] is about ethics, politics, science, economics and ecology. If a gastronome isn’t an environmentalist, they’re an idiot, because they’ll never know what they’re putting on their customers’ plates. :*From the speech ''In Italy 2022" held at the [[w:Università per Stranieri di Perugia|Università per Stranieri di Perugia]], 27 May 2022; as quoted in ''[http://www.umbria24.it/gusto24/carlo-petrini-fondatore-di-slow-food-a-perugia-la-gastronomia-non-e-intrattenimento-basta-sciocchi-in-tv Carlo Petrini, fondatore di Slow Food, a Perugia: «La gastronomia non è intrattenimento, basta sciocchi in tv»]'', ''umbria24.it'', 28 May 2022. *We Italians tend to think that "[[sustainability]]" is synonymous with protecting the environment and with financially viable business practices. Well, that is not the case; ‘sustainable’ means ‘long-lasting’. Our products must ‘last longer’; the focus should not be on increasing GDP growth, but on improving the quality of production, ensuring ethical standards, and adopting fair pricing policies. The old farming communities had non-wastefulness and the wise use of resources in their very DNA. Now we have reached a stage of intensive production, harmful to the environment and biodiversity, which is fuelled by neurotic consumerism. We are in a new historical era, a period of transition – the ecological transition – which will last for years, decades, perhaps a century. This is because this process is so essential and revolutionary that it will require a fundamental change in our way of life. It will affect the economy, social life, and, above all, the ways in which we travel, consume and produce. You young people are the protagonists of this change, which is, first and foremost, an ethical one. You must act always bearing in mind that the planet’s resources are finite (let us abandon the axiom that underpinned the Industrial Revolution!) and that the earth — your earth, our Mother Earth — is already suffering greatly. The gastronome must be an environmentalist, and environmentalists who are not lovers of gastronomy are to be pitied. It need not be so, for ethical gastronomy is a path towards liberation. :*From the speech ''In Italy 2022" held at the [[w:Università per Stranieri di Perugia|Università per Stranieri di Perugia]], 27 May 2022; as quoted in ''[http://www.umbria24.it/gusto24/carlo-petrini-fondatore-di-slow-food-a-perugia-la-gastronomia-non-e-intrattenimento-basta-sciocchi-in-tv Carlo Petrini, fondatore di Slow Food, a Perugia: «La gastronomia non è intrattenimento, basta sciocchi in tv»]'', ''umbria24.it'', 28 May 2022. ==[[w:Incipit|Incipit]] of some works== ===''Buono, pulito e giusto''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Buono, pulito e giusto'', Giunti/Slow Food Editore, 2016. ISBN 9788809820197</small> I would ask the reader for a little patience, as this chapter describes a well-known situation which I nevertheless consider essential as a prelude to the discussions that follow. A new gastronomic perspective cannot ignore certain observations, which must be made clear at the outset so that we may better understand the connections with gastronomic science later on, and grasp how the correct application of certain principles in the food sector can bring overall benefits in the future. ===''Cibo e libertà''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Cibo e libertà. Slow Food: storie di gastronomia per la liberazione'', Giunti/Slow Food Editore, 2013. ISBN 9788809787353</small> *I can still clearly picture Beppe Colla, then president of the Barolo Barbaresco Protection Consortium, weeping on television in the wake of the methanol wine scandal. His tears were barely contained, a mix of pride and despair. At that moment – it was early April 1986 – it truly seemed as though the entire Italian wine industry was finished. ===''Storie di Piemonte''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Storie di Piemonte'', Slow Food Editore, 2012. ISBN 9788884993137</small> *Manuela Ceruti is the daughter of a carpenter from Borgosesia, a town known since the second half of the 19th century for its spinning mills, whose economy has been based primarily on industry and craftsmanship. Like many other young people, Manuela left Borgosesia to study economics in Pavia and, until she was thirty, believed that her future lay elsewhere. ===''Terra Madre''=== :<small>Carlo Petrini, ''Terra Madre. Come non farci mangiare dal cibo'', Giunti/Slow Food Editore, 2009. ISBN 9788809744363</small> *Terra Madre is a new initiative that has been making its mark on the global political and economic landscape since 2003. It began as a major gathering of people from all over the world and soon evolved into a permanent network – or, if you prefer, a collection of networks – in which its members across the globe work day in, day out towards a new economic, agricultural, food and cultural model. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Petrini, Carlo}} [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:2026 deaths]] [[Category:Authors from Italy]] [[Category:Sociologists from Italy]] 9py2ewb09fzigk1c4bgpsugdm9kzq99 0 307627 3944201 2026-05-22T15:01:01Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 Created page with "[[File:Israele e Giuda.svg |thumb|The Kingdom of Israel in red and the Kingdom of Judah in yellow]] The '''[[w:Kingdom of Israel|Kingdom of Israel]]''', also called the '''Kingdom of Samaria''' or the '''Northern Kingdom''', was an [[w:History of ancient Israel and Judah|Israelite kingdom]] that existed in the [[w:Southern Levant|Southern Levant]] during the [[w:Iron Age|Iron Age]]. Its beginnings date back to the first half of the 10th century BCE. It controlled the ar..." 3944201 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Israele e Giuda.svg |thumb|The Kingdom of Israel in red and the Kingdom of Judah in yellow]] The '''[[w:Kingdom of Israel|Kingdom of Israel]]''', also called the '''Kingdom of Samaria''' or the '''Northern Kingdom''', was an [[w:History of ancient Israel and Judah|Israelite kingdom]] that existed in the [[w:Southern Levant|Southern Levant]] during the [[w:Iron Age|Iron Age]]. Its beginnings date back to the first half of the 10th century BCE. It controlled the areas of [[w:Samaria|Samaria]], [[w:Galilee|Galilee]] and parts of [[w:Transjordan (region)|Transjordan]]; the former two regions underwent a period in which a large number of new settlements were established shortly after the kingdom came into existence. It had four capital cities in succession: [[w:Shiloh (biblical city)|Shiloh]], [[w:Shechem|Shechem]], [[w:Tirzah (Tell el-Farah North)|Tirzah]], and the [[w:Samaria (ancient city)|city of Samaria]]. In the 9th century BCE, the [[w:Omrides|House of Omri]] ruled it, whose political centre was the city of Samaria. ==Quotes about== *Then the Lord said to him: :“Name the boy [[Jezreel]], :for in a short time :I will punish the house of [[Jehu]] :for the blood shed at Jezreel, :and I will bring an end to the kingdom :of the house of Israel. :*[[Book of Hosea]+ 1:4 [[w:NewKing James Version|NKJV]]. *I know [[Tribe of Ephraim|Ephraim]], :and Israel is not hidden from me. :Despite this, O Ephraim, you have played the harlot, :and Israel is defiled. :Their deeds do not allow them :to return to their God. :For the spirit of immorality has possessed them, :and they no longer know the Lord. :Israel’s arrogance testifies against them; :Ephraim stumbles in their guilt, :and [[Tribe of Judah|Judah]] stumbles with them. :*Hosea 5:3-5 NKJV. *When [[Gomer]] conceived again and bore him a daughter, the Lord said to him ([[Hosea]]): :“Give her the name Lo-ruhama, :for I no longer have compassion for the house of Israel, :nor do I wish to forgive them. :*Hosea 1:6 NKJV. ==See also== * [[Kingdom of Judah]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] e91p77axsgbvxa6f1uwml6uohlcod7n 3944202 3944201 2026-05-22T15:01:46Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 /* Quotes about */ 3944202 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Israele e Giuda.svg |thumb|The Kingdom of Israel in red and the Kingdom of Judah in yellow]] The '''[[w:Kingdom of Israel|Kingdom of Israel]]''', also called the '''Kingdom of Samaria''' or the '''Northern Kingdom''', was an [[w:History of ancient Israel and Judah|Israelite kingdom]] that existed in the [[w:Southern Levant|Southern Levant]] during the [[w:Iron Age|Iron Age]]. Its beginnings date back to the first half of the 10th century BCE. It controlled the areas of [[w:Samaria|Samaria]], [[w:Galilee|Galilee]] and parts of [[w:Transjordan (region)|Transjordan]]; the former two regions underwent a period in which a large number of new settlements were established shortly after the kingdom came into existence. It had four capital cities in succession: [[w:Shiloh (biblical city)|Shiloh]], [[w:Shechem|Shechem]], [[w:Tirzah (Tell el-Farah North)|Tirzah]], and the [[w:Samaria (ancient city)|city of Samaria]]. In the 9th century BCE, the [[w:Omrides|House of Omri]] ruled it, whose political centre was the city of Samaria. ==Quotes about== *Then the Lord said to him: :“Name the boy [[Jezreel]], :for in a short time :I will punish the house of [[Jehu]] :for the blood shed at Jezreel, :and I will bring an end to the kingdom :of the house of Israel. :*[[Book of Hosea]+ 1:4 [[w:NewKing James Version|NKJV]]. *I know [[Tribe of Ephraim|Ephraim]], :and Israel is not hidden from me. :Despite this, O Ephraim, you have played the harlot, :and Israel is defiled. :Their deeds do not allow them :to return to their God. :For the spirit of immorality has possessed them, :and they no longer know the Lord. :Israel’s arrogance testifies against them; :Ephraim stumbles in their guilt, :and [[Tribe of Judah|Judah]] stumbles with them. :*Hosea 5:3-5 NKJV. *When [[Gomer (wife of Hosea)|Gomer]] conceived again and bore him a daughter, the Lord said to him ([[Hosea]]): :“Give her the name Lo-ruhama, :for I no longer have compassion for the house of Israel, :nor do I wish to forgive them. :*Hosea 1:6 NKJV. ==See also== * [[Kingdom of Judah]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] mg09a6c4ga3ag99w6rxgjuhmcwc0mfz 3944271 3944202 2026-05-22T20:19:21Z ~2026-30555-31 3327523 /* External links */ 3944271 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Israele e Giuda.svg |thumb|The Kingdom of Israel in red and the Kingdom of Judah in yellow]] The '''[[w:Kingdom of Israel|Kingdom of Israel]]''', also called the '''Kingdom of Samaria''' or the '''Northern Kingdom''', was an [[w:History of ancient Israel and Judah|Israelite kingdom]] that existed in the [[w:Southern Levant|Southern Levant]] during the [[w:Iron Age|Iron Age]]. Its beginnings date back to the first half of the 10th century BCE. It controlled the areas of [[w:Samaria|Samaria]], [[w:Galilee|Galilee]] and parts of [[w:Transjordan (region)|Transjordan]]; the former two regions underwent a period in which a large number of new settlements were established shortly after the kingdom came into existence. It had four capital cities in succession: [[w:Shiloh (biblical city)|Shiloh]], [[w:Shechem|Shechem]], [[w:Tirzah (Tell el-Farah North)|Tirzah]], and the [[w:Samaria (ancient city)|city of Samaria]]. In the 9th century BCE, the [[w:Omrides|House of Omri]] ruled it, whose political centre was the city of Samaria. ==Quotes about== *Then the Lord said to him: :“Name the boy [[Jezreel]], :for in a short time :I will punish the house of [[Jehu]] :for the blood shed at Jezreel, :and I will bring an end to the kingdom :of the house of Israel. :*[[Book of Hosea]+ 1:4 [[w:NewKing James Version|NKJV]]. *I know [[Tribe of Ephraim|Ephraim]], :and Israel is not hidden from me. :Despite this, O Ephraim, you have played the harlot, :and Israel is defiled. :Their deeds do not allow them :to return to their God. :For the spirit of immorality has possessed them, :and they no longer know the Lord. :Israel’s arrogance testifies against them; :Ephraim stumbles in their guilt, :and [[Tribe of Judah|Judah]] stumbles with them. :*Hosea 5:3-5 NKJV. *When [[Gomer (wife of Hosea)|Gomer]] conceived again and bore him a daughter, the Lord said to him ([[Hosea]]): :“Give her the name Lo-ruhama, :for I no longer have compassion for the house of Israel, :nor do I wish to forgive them. :*Hosea 1:6 NKJV. ==See also== * [[Kingdom of Judah]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Kingdom of Israel (Samaria)}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] r5xouomt1vzl5k6zafmosjklhvualba 0 307628 3944205 2026-05-22T15:06:04Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 Created page with "[[File:Böttcher, Christian Eduard - Gideon selects his army of 300 by observing their manner of drinking from a stream - 1908.jpg|thumb|[[Gideon]] selects three hundred warriors to fight the Midianites]] '''[[w:Midian|Midian]]''' was a geographical region in the [[Tabuk Province]] of modern-day [[Saudi Arabia]], mentioned in the [[w:Hebrew Bible|Hebrew Bible]] and [[w:Quran|Quran]]. [[William G. Dever]] states that biblical Midian was in the "northwest w:Arabian Peni..." 3944205 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Böttcher, Christian Eduard - Gideon selects his army of 300 by observing their manner of drinking from a stream - 1908.jpg|thumb|[[Gideon]] selects three hundred warriors to fight the Midianites]] '''[[w:Midian|Midian]]''' was a geographical region in the [[Tabuk Province]] of modern-day [[Saudi Arabia]], mentioned in the [[w:Hebrew Bible|Hebrew Bible]] and [[w:Quran|Quran]]. [[William G. Dever]] states that biblical Midian was in the "northwest [[w:Arabian Peninsula|Arabian Peninsula]], on the east shore of the [[w:Gulf of Aqaba|Gulf of Aqaba]] on the [[w:Red Sea|Red Sea]]", an area which contained at least 14 inhabited sites during the [[w:Bronze Age|Late Bronze]] and [[w:Iron Age|early Iron Ages]]. According to the Hebrew Bible, the region was named after [[w:Midian, son of Abraham|Midian]], a son of [[w:Abraham|Abraham]] and his wife [[w:Keturah|Keturah]], and the eponymous ancestor of the '''Midianites'''. ==Quotes about== *And indeed, one of the children of Israel came and presented to his brethren a Midianite woman in the sight of Moses and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping at the door of the tabernacle of meeting. Now when [[Phinehas]] the son of [[Eleazar]], the son of [[Aaron]] the priest, saw it, he rose from among the congregation and took a javelin in his hand; and he went after the man of Israel into the tent and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her body. So the plague was stopped among the children of Israel. [...] :Then the Lord spoke to [[Moses]], saying: “Harass the Midianites, and [a]attack them; 18 for they harassed you with their schemes by which they seduced you in the matter of Peor and in the matter of [[Cozbi]], the daughter of a leader of Midian, their sister, who was killed in the day of the plague because of Peor.” :*[[Book of Numbers]] 25:6-8;16-18 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *And they warred against the Midianites, just as the Lord commanded Moses, and they killed all the males. They killed the kings of Midian with the rest of those who were killed—Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, and Reba, the five kings of Midian. Balaam the son of Beor they also killed with the sword. :And the children of Israel took the women of Midian captive, with their little ones, and took as spoil all their cattle, all their flocks, and all their goods. They also burned with fire all the cities where they dwelt, and all their forts. And they took all the spoil and all the booty—of man and beast. [...] :And Moses said to them: “Have you kept all the women alive? Look, these women caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of [[Balaam]], to trespass against the Lord in the incident of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord. Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man intimately. But keep alive for yourselves all the young girls who have not known a man intimately. :*[[Book of Numbers]] 31:7-11;15-18 NKJV. *Then the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the Lord. So the Lord delivered them into the hand of Midian for seven years, and the hand of Midian prevailed against Israel. Because of the Midianites, the children of Israel made for themselves the dens, the caves, and the strongholds which are in the mountains. So it was, whenever Israel had sown, Midianites would come up; also Amalekites and the people of the East would come up against them. Then they would encamp against them and destroy the produce of the earth as far as Gaza, and leave no sustenance for Israel, neither sheep nor ox nor donkey. For they would come up with their livestock and their tents, coming in as numerous as locusts; both they and their camels were without number; and they would enter the land to destroy it. So Israel was greatly impoverished because of the Midianites, and the children of Israel cried out to the Lord. :*[[Book of Judges]] 6:1-6 NKJV. *Now the [[Angel]] of the Lord came and sat under the terebinth tree which was in Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son [[Gideon]] threshed wheat in the winepress, in order to hide it from the Midianites. And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, “The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor!” :Gideon said to Him, “O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up from Egypt?’ But now the Lord has forsaken us and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.” :Then the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?” :So he said to Him, “O my Lord, how can I save Israel? Indeed my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house.” :*Book of Judges 6:11-15 NKJV. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People frm the Bible]] 71xc5r6if6vgak1cwfj6dpvrevgwgrg 3944206 3944205 2026-05-22T15:06:34Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 3944206 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Böttcher, Christian Eduard - Gideon selects his army of 300 by observing their manner of drinking from a stream - 1908.jpg|thumb|[[Gideon]] selects three hundred warriors to fight the Midianites]] '''[[w:Midian|Midian]]''' was a geographical region in the [[w:Tabuk Province|Tabuk Province]] of modern-day [[Saudi Arabia]], mentioned in the [[w:Hebrew Bible|Hebrew Bible]] and [[w:Quran|Quran]]. [[w:William G. Dever|William G. Dever]] states that biblical Midian was in the "northwest [[w:Arabian Peninsula|Arabian Peninsula]], on the east shore of the [[w:Gulf of Aqaba|Gulf of Aqaba]] on the [[w:Red Sea|Red Sea]]", an area which contained at least 14 inhabited sites during the [[w:Bronze Age|Late Bronze]] and [[w:Iron Age|early Iron Ages]]. According to the Hebrew Bible, the region was named after [[w:Midian, son of Abraham|Midian]], a son of [[w:Abraham|Abraham]] and his wife [[w:Keturah|Keturah]], and the eponymous ancestor of the '''Midianites'''. ==Quotes about== *And indeed, one of the children of Israel came and presented to his brethren a Midianite woman in the sight of Moses and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping at the door of the tabernacle of meeting. Now when [[Phinehas]] the son of [[Eleazar]], the son of [[Aaron]] the priest, saw it, he rose from among the congregation and took a javelin in his hand; and he went after the man of Israel into the tent and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her body. So the plague was stopped among the children of Israel. [...] :Then the Lord spoke to [[Moses]], saying: “Harass the Midianites, and [a]attack them; 18 for they harassed you with their schemes by which they seduced you in the matter of Peor and in the matter of [[Cozbi]], the daughter of a leader of Midian, their sister, who was killed in the day of the plague because of Peor.” :*[[Book of Numbers]] 25:6-8;16-18 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *And they warred against the Midianites, just as the Lord commanded Moses, and they killed all the males. They killed the kings of Midian with the rest of those who were killed—Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, and Reba, the five kings of Midian. Balaam the son of Beor they also killed with the sword. :And the children of Israel took the women of Midian captive, with their little ones, and took as spoil all their cattle, all their flocks, and all their goods. They also burned with fire all the cities where they dwelt, and all their forts. And they took all the spoil and all the booty—of man and beast. [...] :And Moses said to them: “Have you kept all the women alive? Look, these women caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of [[Balaam]], to trespass against the Lord in the incident of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord. Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man intimately. But keep alive for yourselves all the young girls who have not known a man intimately. :*[[Book of Numbers]] 31:7-11;15-18 NKJV. *Then the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the Lord. So the Lord delivered them into the hand of Midian for seven years, and the hand of Midian prevailed against Israel. Because of the Midianites, the children of Israel made for themselves the dens, the caves, and the strongholds which are in the mountains. So it was, whenever Israel had sown, Midianites would come up; also Amalekites and the people of the East would come up against them. Then they would encamp against them and destroy the produce of the earth as far as Gaza, and leave no sustenance for Israel, neither sheep nor ox nor donkey. For they would come up with their livestock and their tents, coming in as numerous as locusts; both they and their camels were without number; and they would enter the land to destroy it. So Israel was greatly impoverished because of the Midianites, and the children of Israel cried out to the Lord. :*[[Book of Judges]] 6:1-6 NKJV. *Now the [[Angel]] of the Lord came and sat under the terebinth tree which was in Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son [[Gideon]] threshed wheat in the winepress, in order to hide it from the Midianites. And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, “The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor!” :Gideon said to Him, “O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about, saying, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up from Egypt?’ But now the Lord has forsaken us and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.” :Then the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Have I not sent you?” :So he said to Him, “O my Lord, how can I save Israel? Indeed my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house.” :*Book of Judges 6:11-15 NKJV. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People frm the Bible]] t1qkc8ewwz5m4h6zp55pcgykaa0nuhf 0 307629 3944207 2026-05-22T15:09:13Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 Created page with "[[File:Moabite Sarcophagus.jpg|thumb|a Moabite sarcophagus]] '''Moabites''' were the inhabitants of the region of '''[[w:Moanb|Moab]]'''. ==Quotes about== *We have heard of the pride of Moab— :He is very proud— .Of his haughtiness and his pride and his wrath; :But his lies shall not be so. :*[[Book of Isaiah]] 16:6 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Then the Lord said to me, ‘Do not harass Moab, nor contend with them in battle, for I will not give you any of th..." 3944207 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Moabite Sarcophagus.jpg|thumb|a Moabite sarcophagus]] '''Moabites''' were the inhabitants of the region of '''[[w:Moanb|Moab]]'''. ==Quotes about== *We have heard of the pride of Moab— :He is very proud— .Of his haughtiness and his pride and his wrath; :But his lies shall not be so. :*[[Book of Isaiah]] 16:6 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Then the Lord said to me, ‘Do not harass Moab, nor contend with them in battle, for I will not give you any of their land as a possession, because I have given Ar to the descendants of [[Lot]] as a possession.’ ” :(The Emim had dwelt there in times past, a people as great and numerous and tall as the [[Anakim]]. They were also regarded as giants, like the Anakim, but the Moabites call them [[Emim]]. 12 The Horites formerly dwelt in Seir, but the descendants of [[Esau]] dispossessed them and destroyed them from before them, and dwelt in their place, just as Israel did to the land of their possession which the Lord gave them.) :*[[Book of Deuteronomy]] 2:9-12 NKJV. *Kerioth is taken, :And the strongholds are surprised; :The mighty men’s hearts in Moab on that day shall be :Like the heart of a woman in birth pangs. :And Moab shall be destroyed as a people, :Because he exalted himself against the Lord. :Fear and the pit and the snare shall be upon you, :O inhabitant of Moab,” says the Lord. :“He who flees from the fear shall fall into the pit, :And he who gets out of the pit shall be caught in the snare. :For upon Moab, upon it I will bring :The year of their punishment,” says the Lord. :*[[Book of Jeremiah]] 48:41-44 NKJV. *“An [[Ammon|Ammonite]] or Moabite shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord forever, because they did not meet you with bread and water on the road when you came out of Egypt, and because they hired against you Balaam the son of Beor from Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse you. Nevertheless the Lord your God would not listen to [[Balaam]], but the Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord your God loves you. :*Deuteronomy 23:4-5 NKJV. *Therefore, as I live,” :Says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, :“Surely Moab shall be like [[Sodom and Gomorrah|Sodom]], :And the people of Ammon like Gomorrah— :Overrun with weeds and saltpits, :And a perpetual desolation. :The residue of My people shall plunder them, :And the remnant of My people shall possess them.” :*[[Book of Zephaniah]] 2:9 NKJV. *Moab is My washpot; :Over Edom I will cast My shoe; :Over Philistia I will triumph.” :Who will bring me into the strong city? :Who will lead me to Edom? :Is it not You, O God, who cast us off? :And You, O God, who did not go out with our armies? :Give us help from trouble, :For the help of man is useless. :*[[Book of Psalms]] 108:9-12 NKJV. *“Moab has been at ease from [a]his youth; :He has settled on his dregs, :And has not been emptied from vessel to vessel, :Nor has he gone into captivity. :Therefore his taste remained in him, :And his scent has not changed. :“Therefore behold, the days are coming,” says the Lord, :“That I shall send him wine-workers :Who will tip him over :And empty his vessels :And break the bottles. :Moab shall be ashamed of Chemosh, :As the house of Israel was ashamed of Bethel, their confidence. :*[[Bok of Jeremiah]] 48:11-13 NKJV. *For on this mountain the hand of the Lord will rest, .And Moab shall be trampled down under Him, :As straw is trampled down for the refuse heap. :And He will spread out His hands in their midst :As a swimmer reaches out to swim, :And He will bring down their pride :Together with the trickery of their hands. :The fortress of the high fort of your walls :He will bring down, lay low, :And bring to the ground, down to the dust. :*Isaiah 25:10-12 NKJV. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] hr9w1szztqv1fuqxkp0rjm68fwd3mp2 3944208 3944207 2026-05-22T15:09:30Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 3944208 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Moabite Sarcophagus.jpg|thumb|a Moabite sarcophagus]] '''Moabites''' were the inhabitants of the region of '''[[w:Moanb|Moab]]'''. ==Quotes about== *We have heard of the pride of Moab— :He is very proud— :Of his haughtiness and his pride and his wrath; :But his lies shall not be so. :*[[Book of Isaiah]] 16:6 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Then the Lord said to me, ‘Do not harass Moab, nor contend with them in battle, for I will not give you any of their land as a possession, because I have given Ar to the descendants of [[Lot]] as a possession.’ ” :(The Emim had dwelt there in times past, a people as great and numerous and tall as the [[Anakim]]. They were also regarded as giants, like the Anakim, but the Moabites call them [[Emim]]. 12 The Horites formerly dwelt in Seir, but the descendants of [[Esau]] dispossessed them and destroyed them from before them, and dwelt in their place, just as Israel did to the land of their possession which the Lord gave them.) :*[[Book of Deuteronomy]] 2:9-12 NKJV. *Kerioth is taken, :And the strongholds are surprised; :The mighty men’s hearts in Moab on that day shall be :Like the heart of a woman in birth pangs. :And Moab shall be destroyed as a people, :Because he exalted himself against the Lord. :Fear and the pit and the snare shall be upon you, :O inhabitant of Moab,” says the Lord. :“He who flees from the fear shall fall into the pit, :And he who gets out of the pit shall be caught in the snare. :For upon Moab, upon it I will bring :The year of their punishment,” says the Lord. :*[[Book of Jeremiah]] 48:41-44 NKJV. *“An [[Ammon|Ammonite]] or Moabite shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord forever, because they did not meet you with bread and water on the road when you came out of Egypt, and because they hired against you Balaam the son of Beor from Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse you. Nevertheless the Lord your God would not listen to [[Balaam]], but the Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord your God loves you. :*Deuteronomy 23:4-5 NKJV. *Therefore, as I live,” :Says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, :“Surely Moab shall be like [[Sodom and Gomorrah|Sodom]], :And the people of Ammon like Gomorrah— :Overrun with weeds and saltpits, :And a perpetual desolation. :The residue of My people shall plunder them, :And the remnant of My people shall possess them.” :*[[Book of Zephaniah]] 2:9 NKJV. *Moab is My washpot; :Over Edom I will cast My shoe; :Over Philistia I will triumph.” :Who will bring me into the strong city? :Who will lead me to Edom? :Is it not You, O God, who cast us off? :And You, O God, who did not go out with our armies? :Give us help from trouble, :For the help of man is useless. :*[[Book of Psalms]] 108:9-12 NKJV. *“Moab has been at ease from [a]his youth; :He has settled on his dregs, :And has not been emptied from vessel to vessel, :Nor has he gone into captivity. :Therefore his taste remained in him, :And his scent has not changed. :“Therefore behold, the days are coming,” says the Lord, :“That I shall send him wine-workers :Who will tip him over :And empty his vessels :And break the bottles. :Moab shall be ashamed of Chemosh, :As the house of Israel was ashamed of Bethel, their confidence. :*[[Bok of Jeremiah]] 48:11-13 NKJV. *For on this mountain the hand of the Lord will rest, .And Moab shall be trampled down under Him, :As straw is trampled down for the refuse heap. :And He will spread out His hands in their midst :As a swimmer reaches out to swim, :And He will bring down their pride :Together with the trickery of their hands. :The fortress of the high fort of your walls :He will bring down, lay low, :And bring to the ground, down to the dust. :*Isaiah 25:10-12 NKJV. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] 7qpeft9cb90rfm9vygyw5ep41nvfp6p 3944209 3944208 2026-05-22T15:09:54Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 /* Quotes about */ 3944209 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Moabite Sarcophagus.jpg|thumb|a Moabite sarcophagus]] '''Moabites''' were the inhabitants of the region of '''[[w:Moanb|Moab]]'''. ==Quotes about== *We have heard of the pride of Moab— :He is very proud— :Of his haughtiness and his pride and his wrath; :But his lies shall not be so. :*[[Book of Isaiah]] 16:6 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Then the Lord said to me, ‘Do not harass Moab, nor contend with them in battle, for I will not give you any of their land as a possession, because I have given Ar to the descendants of [[Lot]] as a possession.’ ” :(The Emim had dwelt there in times past, a people as great and numerous and tall as the [[Anakim]]. They were also regarded as giants, like the Anakim, but the Moabites call them [[Emim]]. 12 The Horites formerly dwelt in Seir, but the descendants of [[Esau]] dispossessed them and destroyed them from before them, and dwelt in their place, just as Israel did to the land of their possession which the Lord gave them.) :*[[Book of Deuteronomy]] 2:9-12 NKJV. *Kerioth is taken, :And the strongholds are surprised; :The mighty men’s hearts in Moab on that day shall be :Like the heart of a woman in birth pangs. :And Moab shall be destroyed as a people, :Because he exalted himself against the Lord. :Fear and the pit and the snare shall be upon you, :O inhabitant of Moab,” says the Lord. :“He who flees from the fear shall fall into the pit, :And he who gets out of the pit shall be caught in the snare. :For upon Moab, upon it I will bring :The year of their punishment,” says the Lord. :*[[Book of Jeremiah]] 48:41-44 NKJV. *“An [[Ammon|Ammonite]] or Moabite shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord forever, because they did not meet you with bread and water on the road when you came out of Egypt, and because they hired against you Balaam the son of Beor from Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse you. Nevertheless the Lord your God would not listen to [[Balaam]], but the Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord your God loves you. :*Deuteronomy 23:4-5 NKJV. *Therefore, as I live,” :Says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, :“Surely Moab shall be like [[Sodom and Gomorrah|Sodom]], :And the people of Ammon like Gomorrah— :Overrun with weeds and saltpits, :And a perpetual desolation. :The residue of My people shall plunder them, :And the remnant of My people shall possess them.” :*[[Book of Zephaniah]] 2:9 NKJV. *Moab is My washpot; :Over Edom I will cast My shoe; :Over Philistia I will triumph.” :Who will bring me into the strong city? :Who will lead me to Edom? :Is it not You, O God, who cast us off? :And You, O God, who did not go out with our armies? :Give us help from trouble, :For the help of man is useless. :*[[Book of Psalms]] 108:9-12 NKJV. *“Moab has been at ease from [a]his youth; :He has settled on his dregs, :And has not been emptied from vessel to vessel, :Nor has he gone into captivity. :Therefore his taste remained in him, :And his scent has not changed. :“Therefore behold, the days are coming,” says the Lord, :“That I shall send him wine-workers :Who will tip him over :And empty his vessels :And break the bottles. :Moab shall be ashamed of Chemosh, :As the house of Israel was ashamed of Bethel, their confidence. :*[[Book of Jeremiah]] 48:11-13 NKJV. *For on this mountain the hand of the Lord will rest, .And Moab shall be trampled down under Him, :As straw is trampled down for the refuse heap. :And He will spread out His hands in their midst :As a swimmer reaches out to swim, :And He will bring down their pride :Together with the trickery of their hands. :The fortress of the high fort of your walls :He will bring down, lay low, :And bring to the ground, down to the dust. :*Isaiah 25:10-12 NKJV. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] rsdm2cl8pa64ut9zmor79bom1vvecp4 3944290 3944209 2026-05-22T21:48:14Z GrimRob 1187925 changed intro 3944290 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Moabite Sarcophagus.jpg|thumb|a Moabite sarcophagus]] '''[[w:Moab|Moab]]''' was an ancient {{w|Levant|Levantine}} kingdom whose territory is today located in southern [[Jordan]]. The land is mountainous and lies alongside much of the eastern shore of the Dead Sea. ==Quotes about== *We have heard of the pride of Moab— :He is very proud— :Of his haughtiness and his pride and his wrath; :But his lies shall not be so. :*[[Book of Isaiah]] 16:6 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Then the Lord said to me, ‘Do not harass Moab, nor contend with them in battle, for I will not give you any of their land as a possession, because I have given Ar to the descendants of [[Lot]] as a possession.’ ” :(The Emim had dwelt there in times past, a people as great and numerous and tall as the [[Anakim]]. They were also regarded as giants, like the Anakim, but the Moabites call them [[Emim]]. 12 The Horites formerly dwelt in Seir, but the descendants of [[Esau]] dispossessed them and destroyed them from before them, and dwelt in their place, just as Israel did to the land of their possession which the Lord gave them.) :*[[Book of Deuteronomy]] 2:9-12 NKJV. *Kerioth is taken, :And the strongholds are surprised; :The mighty men’s hearts in Moab on that day shall be :Like the heart of a woman in birth pangs. :And Moab shall be destroyed as a people, :Because he exalted himself against the Lord. :Fear and the pit and the snare shall be upon you, :O inhabitant of Moab,” says the Lord. :“He who flees from the fear shall fall into the pit, :And he who gets out of the pit shall be caught in the snare. :For upon Moab, upon it I will bring :The year of their punishment,” says the Lord. :*[[Book of Jeremiah]] 48:41-44 NKJV. *“An [[Ammon|Ammonite]] or Moabite shall not enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord forever, because they did not meet you with bread and water on the road when you came out of Egypt, and because they hired against you Balaam the son of Beor from Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse you. Nevertheless the Lord your God would not listen to [[Balaam]], but the Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord your God loves you. :*Deuteronomy 23:4-5 NKJV. *Therefore, as I live,” :Says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, :“Surely Moab shall be like [[Sodom and Gomorrah|Sodom]], :And the people of Ammon like Gomorrah— :Overrun with weeds and saltpits, :And a perpetual desolation. :The residue of My people shall plunder them, :And the remnant of My people shall possess them.” :*[[Book of Zephaniah]] 2:9 NKJV. *Moab is My washpot; :Over Edom I will cast My shoe; :Over Philistia I will triumph.” :Who will bring me into the strong city? :Who will lead me to Edom? :Is it not You, O God, who cast us off? :And You, O God, who did not go out with our armies? :Give us help from trouble, :For the help of man is useless. :*[[Book of Psalms]] 108:9-12 NKJV. *“Moab has been at ease from [a]his youth; :He has settled on his dregs, :And has not been emptied from vessel to vessel, :Nor has he gone into captivity. :Therefore his taste remained in him, :And his scent has not changed. :“Therefore behold, the days are coming,” says the Lord, :“That I shall send him wine-workers :Who will tip him over :And empty his vessels :And break the bottles. :Moab shall be ashamed of Chemosh, :As the house of Israel was ashamed of Bethel, their confidence. :*[[Book of Jeremiah]] 48:11-13 NKJV. *For on this mountain the hand of the Lord will rest, .And Moab shall be trampled down under Him, :As straw is trampled down for the refuse heap. :And He will spread out His hands in their midst :As a swimmer reaches out to swim, :And He will bring down their pride :Together with the trickery of their hands. :The fortress of the high fort of your walls :He will bring down, lay low, :And bring to the ground, down to the dust. :*Isaiah 25:10-12 NKJV. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] 9eteqy8c8x3c7bolf3noi25taab7mmu 0 307630 3944210 2026-05-22T15:11:12Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 Created page with "[[File:Samaritans.jpg|thumb|A Samaritan group of people in 1900]] '''[[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]]''', often preferring to be called '''Israelite Samaritans''', are an [[ethnoreligious group]] originating from the [[w:Hebrews|Hebrews]] and [[w:Israelites|Israelites]] of the [[w:ancient Near East|ancient Near East]]. They are indigenous to [[w:Samaria|Samaria]], a historical region of [[w:History of ancient Israel and Judah|ancient Israel and Judah]]. They are adherents of..." 3944210 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Samaritans.jpg|thumb|A Samaritan group of people in 1900]] '''[[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]]''', often preferring to be called '''Israelite Samaritans''', are an [[ethnoreligious group]] originating from the [[w:Hebrews|Hebrews]] and [[w:Israelites|Israelites]] of the [[w:ancient Near East|ancient Near East]]. They are indigenous to [[w:Samaria|Samaria]], a historical region of [[w:History of ancient Israel and Judah|ancient Israel and Judah]]. They are adherents of [[w:Samaritanism|Samaritanism]], an [[w:Abrahamic religions|Abrahamic]], [[w:monotheistic|monotheistic]], and [[w:ethnic religion|ethnic religion]] that developed alongside [[w:Judaism|Judaism]]. ==Quotes about== *Up to the present they still follow their previous traditions. They do not fear the Lord, and they do not observe the statutes or the ordinances or the law or the commandment that the Lord had given to the children of Jacob to whom he gave the name Israel. The Lord made a covenant with them and ordered them, “You shall not fear other gods, nor shall you bow yourselves down to them, nor shall you serve them, nor shall you offer sacrifices to them. [...] You will always carefully observe the statutes, the ordinances, the laws, and the commandments that he wrote for you. You are not to fear other gods. You will not forget the covenant that I made with you, and you are not to fear other gods. You will fear the Lord, your God. He will deliver you out of the hands of all of your enemies.” :However, they would not listen; they practiced their previous traditions. The nations thus feared the Lord, but they also served their graven images. Their children and their grandchildren did what their fathers had done, up to the present day. :*[[Books of Kings|2 Kings]+ 17:34-35;37-41 [[w:New Catholic Bible|NCB]]. *When a [[Samaritan woman at the well|Samaritan woman]] came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Give me some water to drink.” His disciples had gone into the town to purchase food. The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew. How can you ask me, a Samaritan woman, for some water to drink?” (Jews do not share anything in common with Samaritans.) :*[[Gospel of John]] 4:7-9 NKJV. ==See also== * [[Samaritan woman at the well]] * [[Parable of the Good Samaritan]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] bfuakv4wjgd6owtr331mbc4at571b5e 3944211 3944210 2026-05-22T15:11:30Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 3944211 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Samaritans.jpg|thumb|A Samaritan group of people in 1900]] '''[[w:Samaritans|Samaritans]]''', often preferring to be called '''Israelite Samaritans''', are an [[w:ethnoreligious group|ethnoreligious group]] originating from the [[w:Hebrews|Hebrews]] and [[w:Israelites|Israelites]] of the [[w:ancient Near East|ancient Near East]]. They are indigenous to [[w:Samaria|Samaria]], a historical region of [[w:History of ancient Israel and Judah|ancient Israel and Judah]]. They are adherents of [[w:Samaritanism|Samaritanism]], an [[w:Abrahamic religions|Abrahamic]], [[w:monotheistic|monotheistic]], and [[w:ethnic religion|ethnic religion]] that developed alongside [[w:Judaism|Judaism]]. ==Quotes about== *Up to the present they still follow their previous traditions. They do not fear the Lord, and they do not observe the statutes or the ordinances or the law or the commandment that the Lord had given to the children of Jacob to whom he gave the name Israel. The Lord made a covenant with them and ordered them, “You shall not fear other gods, nor shall you bow yourselves down to them, nor shall you serve them, nor shall you offer sacrifices to them. [...] You will always carefully observe the statutes, the ordinances, the laws, and the commandments that he wrote for you. You are not to fear other gods. You will not forget the covenant that I made with you, and you are not to fear other gods. You will fear the Lord, your God. He will deliver you out of the hands of all of your enemies.” :However, they would not listen; they practiced their previous traditions. The nations thus feared the Lord, but they also served their graven images. Their children and their grandchildren did what their fathers had done, up to the present day. :*[[Books of Kings|2 Kings]+ 17:34-35;37-41 [[w:New Catholic Bible|NCB]]. *When a [[Samaritan woman at the well|Samaritan woman]] came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Give me some water to drink.” His disciples had gone into the town to purchase food. The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew. How can you ask me, a Samaritan woman, for some water to drink?” (Jews do not share anything in common with Samaritans.) :*[[Gospel of John]] 4:7-9 NKJV. ==See also== * [[Samaritan woman at the well]] * [[Parable of the Good Samaritan]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:People from the Bible]] jfv3dy02q2qb8qv4g0dugh230u3tjhd 0 307631 3944212 2026-05-22T15:13:51Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 Created page with "According to the Roman Catholic [[w:Sacred tradition|sacred tradition]], '''[[w:Luke 1#The annunciation (1:26–38)|Son of Sion]]''' is an official [[w:Marian title|title]] that is referred to the ''[[Theotokos]]''. ==Quotes about== ===Old Testament=== *Sing, O daughter of Zion! :Shout, O Israel! :Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, :O daughter of Jerusalem! :The Lord has taken away your judgments, :He has cast out your enemy. :The King of Israel, the Lord, is in y..." 3944212 wikitext text/x-wiki According to the Roman Catholic [[w:Sacred tradition|sacred tradition]], '''[[w:Luke 1#The annunciation (1:26–38)|Son of Sion]]''' is an official [[w:Marian title|title]] that is referred to the ''[[Theotokos]]''. ==Quotes about== ===Old Testament=== *Sing, O daughter of Zion! :Shout, O Israel! :Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, :O daughter of Jerusalem! :The Lord has taken away your judgments, :He has cast out your enemy. :The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; :You shall see disaster no more. :In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: :“Do not fear; :Zion, let not your hands be weak. :The Lord your God in your midst, :The Mighty One, will save; :He will rejoice over you with gladness, :He will quiet you with His love, :He will rejoice over you with singing.” :“I will gather those who sorrow over the appointed assembly, :Who are among you, :To whom its reproach is a burden. :*[[Book of Zephaniah] 3:14-18 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Fear not, O land; :be glad and rejoice, :for the Lord has done great things. [...] :O children of Zion, be glad, :and rejoice in the Lord, your God. :For he has given you food in good measure :by sending you rain, :the autumn and spring rains as before.[...] :And you shall know :that I am in the midst of Israel. :*[[Book of Joel]] 2:21,23,27 [[w:New Catholic Bible|NCB]]. *“Sing and rejoice, O daughter of Zion! For behold, I am coming and I will dwell in your midst,” says the Lord. :*[[Book of Zechariah] 2:10 NKJV. ===New Testament=== *“Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; [a]blessed are you among women! :*[[Gospel of Luke]] 1:28 NKJV. [[Category:Mariology]] [[Category:Titles of Mary, mother of Jesus]] i7xazn9yabdm3qazgr28l54tg8o2p80 3944213 3944212 2026-05-22T15:14:43Z ~2026-30692-27 3327331 /* Old Testament */ 3944213 wikitext text/x-wiki According to the Roman Catholic [[w:Sacred tradition|sacred tradition]], '''[[w:Luke 1#The annunciation (1:26–38)|Son of Sion]]''' is an official [[w:Marian title|title]] that is referred to the ''[[Theotokos]]''. ==Quotes about== ===Old Testament=== *Sing, O daughter of Zion! :Shout, O Israel! :Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, :O daughter of Jerusalem! :The Lord has taken away your judgments, :He has cast out your enemy. :The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; :You shall see disaster no more. :In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: :“Do not fear; :Zion, let not your hands be weak. :The Lord your God in your midst, :The Mighty One, will save; :He will rejoice over you with gladness, :He will quiet you with His love, :He will rejoice over you with singing.” :“I will gather those who sorrow over the appointed assembly, :Who are among you, :To whom its reproach is a burden. :*[[Book of Zephaniah]] 3:14-18 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Fear not, O land; :be glad and rejoice, :for the Lord has done great things. [...] :O children of Zion, be glad, :and rejoice in the Lord, your God. :For he has given you food in good measure :by sending you rain, :the autumn and spring rains as before.[...] :And you shall know :that I am in the midst of Israel. :*[[Book of Joel]] 2:21,23,27 [[w:New Catholic Bible|NCB]]. *“Sing and rejoice, O daughter of Zion! For behold, I am coming and I will dwell in your midst,” says the Lord. :*[[Book of Zechariah]] 2:10 NKJV. ===New Testament=== *“Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; [a]blessed are you among women! :*[[Gospel of Luke]] 1:28 NKJV. [[Category:Mariology]] [[Category:Titles of Mary, mother of Jesus]] ohvoobyrtgl4dlo1eme344k1kz08d81 0 307633 3944249 2026-05-22T18:40:11Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[File:Ireland - DPLA - 2353e00f5735fb9bf47d2422282f4e87 (cropped).jpg|thumb|The best [[history]] is written when we realize that people acted...in expectation of a future that was never going to happen...That's...true of the histories of most countries, but very true of the {{w|history of Ireland}}.]] '''[[w:R. F. Foster (historian)|Robert Fitzroy Foster]]''' FBA FRHistS FRSL (born 16 January 1949), publishing as '''R. F. Foster''', is an Irish historian and academic. H..." 3944249 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ireland - DPLA - 2353e00f5735fb9bf47d2422282f4e87 (cropped).jpg|thumb|The best [[history]] is written when we realize that people acted...in expectation of a future that was never going to happen...That's...true of the histories of most countries, but very true of the {{w|history of Ireland}}.]] '''[[w:R. F. Foster (historian)|Robert Fitzroy Foster]]''' FBA FRHistS FRSL (born 16 January 1949), publishing as '''R. F. Foster''', is an Irish historian and academic. He was the Carroll Professor of Irish History from 1991 until 2016 at Hertford College, Oxford. {{historian-stub}} == Quotes == * Something I wrote long ago, which has been quoted once or twice, is that the best history is written when we realize that people acted in terms, in belief of, in expectation of a future that was never going to happen. And I think that’s very true of — well, it’s true of the histories of most countries, but very true of the history of Ireland. ** Interview by Tyler Cowen, [https://conversationswithtyler.com/episodes/roy-foster/ "Roy Foster on Ireland's Many Unmade Futures"], ''Conversations with Tyler'', ep. 147 (6 April 2022) == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Historians from Ireland]] [[Category:Trinity College Dublin alumni]] [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] jsdpm697a30pmlutdcexrxcpzyayqrq 14 307634 3944250 2026-05-22T18:40:18Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:Trinity College Dublin]]" 3944250 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Trinity College Dublin]] qm0rmj49c9mixcdunuukxik44ddskbj 14 307635 3944251 2026-05-22T18:40:20Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:Universities and colleges in Ireland]]" 3944251 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Universities and colleges in Ireland]] pzyyjse6e4rrrnyy52kqfmbnawz231y 3944254 3944251 2026-05-22T18:41:49Z Ficaia 3085955 removed [[Category:Universities and colleges in Ireland]]; added [[Category:Colleges and universities]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944254 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Colleges and universities]] olrn8lmljbhak8luae9uu21v9l12xd5 14 307636 3944252 2026-05-22T18:40:21Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:Trinity College Dublin]]" 3944252 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Trinity College Dublin]] qm0rmj49c9mixcdunuukxik44ddskbj 0 307637 3944283 2026-05-22T20:57:14Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:Yves Marie André|Yves Marie André]]''' (22 May 1675 – 25 February 1764) was a French Jesuit. == Quotes == *In every company have still in view,<br>To improve yourself, and profit others too:<br>That each retiring, in himself may say;<br>I find my mind and heart improv'd to-day. ** [https://archive.org/details/bim_eighteenth-century_the-art-of-conversing-t_lisle-andr-yves-marie_1777/page/n22 ''The Art of Conversing''] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DE..." 3944283 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Yves Marie André|Yves Marie André]]''' (22 May 1675 – 25 February 1764) was a French Jesuit. == Quotes == *In every company have still in view,<br>To improve yourself, and profit others too:<br>That each retiring, in himself may say;<br>I find my mind and heart improv'd to-day. ** [https://archive.org/details/bim_eighteenth-century_the-art-of-conversing-t_lisle-andr-yves-marie_1777/page/n22 ''The Art of Conversing''] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:André, Yves Marie}} [[Category:1674 births]] [[Category:Catholics from France]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:1764 deaths]] 2gm5at68zxo4p6irgphzwt9nbo99d9e 0 307638 3944285 2026-05-22T21:04:42Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:Rita of Cascia|]]''' (1381 – 22 May 1457) was a nun. == Quotes == *My soul, fixed to the sacred wounds of Jesus Christ, is fed with other food. ** [https://gutenberg.org/ebooks/52481 ''Life of St. Rita of Cascia, O.S.A.''] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} [[Category:1381 births]] [[Category:People from Umbria]] [[Category:Christian nuns]] [[Category:1457 deaths]] [[Category:Catholic saints]]" 3944285 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Rita of Cascia|Rita of Cascia]]''' (1381 – 22 May 1457) was a nun. == Quotes == *My soul, fixed to the sacred wounds of Jesus Christ, is fed with other food. ** [https://gutenberg.org/ebooks/52481 ''Life of St. Rita of Cascia, O.S.A.''] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} [[Category:1381 births]] [[Category:People from Umbria]] [[Category:Christian nuns]] [[Category:1457 deaths]] [[Category:Catholic saints]] c80storczi25xi31a66gcrsxcfcp00d 3944286 3944285 2026-05-22T21:05:22Z Gilldragon 2514030 /* External links */ 3944286 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Rita of Cascia|Rita of Cascia]]''' (1381 – 22 May 1457) was a nun. == Quotes == *My soul, fixed to the sacred wounds of Jesus Christ, is fed with other food. ** [https://gutenberg.org/ebooks/52481 ''Life of St. Rita of Cascia, O.S.A.''] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} [[Category:1381 births]] [[Category:People from Umbria]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Christian nuns]] [[Category:1457 deaths]] [[Category:Catholic saints]] n5u7te4jfeif9h0u5ytriao70umikr2 0 307639 3944302 2026-05-22T23:46:52Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 created page with 3 quotes 3944302 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Augustus Addison Gould}}''' (April 23, 1805 – September 15, 1866) was an American [[physician]], {{w|naturalist}}, and internationally renowned {{w|conchologist}}. He was elected in 1849 a member of the {{w|American Philosophical Society}} and in 1863 was appointed one of the fifty original members of the U.S. {{w|National Academy of Sciences}}, when that academy was created by the U.S. Congress. Gould served from 1864 to 1866 as the president of the {{w|Massachusetts Medical Society}}. ==Quotes== * The {{w|Mollusca}} ... are [[animals]] of a gelatinous or semi-fibrous structure, having no solid frame-work or {{w|skeleton}}, and being without jointed limbs. They reside both on land and in {{w|Fresh water|fresh}} and {{w|Saline water|salt water}}. The variety in their structure, to adapt them to this diversity of habit, is very great; and their digestive and generative organs are as much varied to constitute them {{w|Carnivore|carnivorous}} and {{w|Herbivore|herbivorous}}, {{w|Oviparity|oviparous}} and {{w|Viviparity|viviparous}}, as they are in the higher orders of animals.<br>Though none of the molluscous or soft animals have any thing like a skeleton, and some of them have nothing solid in any way attached to them, yet the great majority have the power of secreting a solid structure which serves them as a habitation and a protection. ** {{cite book|title=Report on the Invertebrata of Massachusetts: Comprising the Mollusca, Crustacea, Annelida, and Radiata; for the Massachusetts Zoological & Botanical Survey, sponsored by the Mass. Zoological & Botanical Survey Commission|location=Cambridge, Massachusetts|publisher=Folsom, Wells, and Thurston, printers|year=1841|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=5E49AAAAYAAJ&pg=PA1|page=1}} (373 pages) * With rare exceptions, the {{w|Seashell|shell}}s were collected on the [[:wiktionary:seabeach|sea-beach]] and {{w|coral reef}}s, very few opportunities having been afforded for obtaining specimens from deep water, by the [[dredge]] on account of the incessant employment of the men and boats on special hydrographical duties.<br>Several zoological provinces not previously explored were examined, and furnished most interesting groups of specimens. Among them are the collections made at {{w|Tierra del Fuego,}} the land-shells of the {{w|Society Islands|Society}} and {{w|Samoan Islands|Samoa Islands}}, as well as other Pacific islands; and the marine shells of [[Oregon]],—more especially those from {{w|Puget Sound}}, every one of which appears to be new to collection.<br>In some genera the number of new species added is quite remarkable; for instance, the species added to the genus ''{{w|Succinea}}'' equal all those previously known. The genera ''{{w|Trochus}}'', {{w|Perna (bivalve)|''Perna''}}, [[:wiktionary:Avicula|''Avicula'']], and {{w|Mytilus (bivalve)|''Mytilus''}} have been greatly augmented. ** {{cite book|chapter=Introduction|title=Mollusca & Shells|series=Volume 12 of United States exploring expedition. During the years 1838, 1839, 1840, 1841, 1842. Under the command of Charles Wilkes, U. S. N|location=Boston|publisher=Gould & Lincoln|year=1852|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=NkF8id1_AfoC&pg=PR7|pages=v–xv}} (quote from p. vii; 510 pages) * In the number of the {{w|The New England Journal of Medicine|Boston Medical and Surgical Journal}} for Sept. 10, 1865, I gave a table, derived from the {{w|1860 United States census|United States Census of 1860}}, showing the comparative proportion of deaths from {{w|Tuberculosis|consumption}} and from [[:wiktionary:fever|fever]]s in each of the States, with some speculations as to the proximate causes of those diseases, and the differences in their distribution. It was shown that the mortality for consumption regularly decreases from North to South, and is only about one tenth part as frequent a cause of death in [[Georgia]] as in [[Maine]]; and again, that with the great class of fevers the reverse is the case, so that if the deaths from the two causes were added together for each of the States, their sums would be nearly equal, and constitute nearly an equal proportion of all the deaths occurring in each State. In other words, theses two classes of disease are in a great measure supplementary to each other. I have since analyzed the {{w|1850 United States censur|census for 1850}} in the same way, and find the figures for 1860 fully corroborated. ** {{cite journal|title=Climatology of Consumption.—No. II|date=January 5, 1865|journal=The Boston Medical and Surgical Journal|volume=71|issue=23|pages=449–451|doi=10.1056/NEJM186501050712301|url=https://www.nejm.org/doi/pdf/10.1056/NEJM186501050712301}} ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Gould, Augustus Addison}} [[Category:1805 births]] [[Category:1866 deaths]] [[Category:Harvard College alumni]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Members of the United States National Academy of Sciences]] [[Category:Naturalists from the United States]] [[Category:People from New Hampshire]] [[Category:Physicians from Boston]] [[Category:Scientists from Boston]] [[Category:Zoologists from the United States]] an9w2cslqm4jj2bm02rspe3kthq38lh 3944411 3944302 2026-05-23T07:56:25Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 added quote from "The Naturalist's Library" 3944411 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Augustus Addison Gould}}''' (April 23, 1805 – September 15, 1866) was an American [[physician]], {{w|naturalist}}, and internationally renowned {{w|conchologist}}. He was elected in 1849 a member of the {{w|American Philosophical Society}} and in 1863 was appointed one of the fifty original members of the U.S. {{w|National Academy of Sciences}}, when that academy was created by the U.S. Congress. Gould served from 1864 to 1866 as the president of the {{w|Massachusetts Medical Society}}. ==Quotes== * The study of {{w|Natural history|Natural History}} has become so extensive as to call for a great multiplication of books upon the subject. A few years ago, the translation of [[Georges-Louis Leclerc, Comte de Buffon|Buffon]], which appeared under the title of [https://books.google.com/books?id=fUo9AAAAYAAJ “Goldsmith's Animated Nature,”] was almost the only work in popular use. Even when its utter want of accuracy and adaptation to the improved state of [[science]], was generally known, ti will continue to be reprinted, and was probably the instrument of disseminating nearly as much error as truth.<br>But within a short period, several excellent works have appeared in Europe, combining in a good degree, popular and pleasing descriptions of [[animals]], with scientific accuracy. In the present volume, an attempt has been made to compile from these a more complete and comprehensive body of popular and scientific [[Zoology]] than has heretofore appeared, in any form accessible to common readers. ** {{cite book|title=The Naturalist's Library: Containing Scientific and Popular Descriptions of Man, Quadrupeds, Birds, Fishes, Reptiles and Insects|location=Boston|publisher=Phillips, Sampson, and Company|year=1856|chapter=Advertisement|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=pRc0AQAAMAAJ&pg=PR3}} (880 pages with 400 engravings; 1st edition 1833; edited by A. A. Gould) * The {{w|Mollusca}} ... are [[animals]] of a gelatinous or semi-fibrous structure, having no solid frame-work or {{w|skeleton}}, and being without jointed limbs. They reside both on land and in {{w|Fresh water|fresh}} and {{w|Saline water|salt water}}. The variety in their structure, to adapt them to this diversity of habit, is very great; and their digestive and generative organs are as much varied to constitute them {{w|Carnivore|carnivorous}} and {{w|Herbivore|herbivorous}}, {{w|Oviparity|oviparous}} and {{w|Viviparity|viviparous}}, as they are in the higher orders of animals.<br>Though none of the molluscous or soft animals have any thing like a skeleton, and some of them have nothing solid in any way attached to them, yet the great majority have the power of secreting a solid structure which serves them as a habitation and a protection. ** {{cite book|title=Report on the Invertebrata of Massachusetts: Comprising the Mollusca, Crustacea, Annelida, and Radiata; for the Massachusetts Zoological & Botanical Survey, sponsored by the Mass. Zoological & Botanical Survey Commission|location=Cambridge, Massachusetts|publisher=Folsom, Wells, and Thurston, printers|year=1841|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=5E49AAAAYAAJ&pg=PA1|page=1}} (373 pages) * With rare exceptions, the {{w|Seashell|shell}}s were collected on the [[:wiktionary:seabeach|sea-beach]] and {{w|coral reef}}s, very few opportunities having been afforded for obtaining specimens from deep water, by the [[dredge]] on account of the incessant employment of the men and boats on special hydrographical duties.<br>Several zoological provinces not previously explored were examined, and furnished most interesting groups of specimens. Among them are the collections made at {{w|Tierra del Fuego,}} the land-shells of the {{w|Society Islands|Society}} and {{w|Samoan Islands|Samoa Islands}}, as well as other Pacific islands; and the marine shells of [[Oregon]],—more especially those from {{w|Puget Sound}}, every one of which appears to be new to collection.<br>In some genera the number of new species added is quite remarkable; for instance, the species added to the genus ''{{w|Succinea}}'' equal all those previously known. The genera ''{{w|Trochus}}'', {{w|Perna (bivalve)|''Perna''}}, [[:wiktionary:Avicula|''Avicula'']], and {{w|Mytilus (bivalve)|''Mytilus''}} have been greatly augmented. ** {{cite book|chapter=Introduction|title=Mollusca & Shells|series=Volume 12 of United States exploring expedition. During the years 1838, 1839, 1840, 1841, 1842. Under the command of Charles Wilkes, U. S. N|location=Boston|publisher=Gould & Lincoln|year=1852|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=NkF8id1_AfoC&pg=PR7|pages=v–xv}} (quote from p. vii; 510 pages) * In the number of the {{w|The New England Journal of Medicine|Boston Medical and Surgical Journal}} for Sept. 10, 1865, I gave a table, derived from the {{w|1860 United States census|United States Census of 1860}}, showing the comparative proportion of deaths from {{w|Tuberculosis|consumption}} and from [[:wiktionary:fever|fever]]s in each of the States, with some speculations as to the proximate causes of those diseases, and the differences in their distribution. It was shown that the mortality for consumption regularly decreases from North to South, and is only about one tenth part as frequent a cause of death in [[Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]] as in [[Maine]]; and again, that with the great class of fevers the reverse is the case, so that if the deaths from the two causes were added together for each of the States, their sums would be nearly equal, and constitute nearly an equal proportion of all the deaths occurring in each State. In other words, theses two classes of disease are in a great measure supplementary to each other. I have since analyzed the {{w|1850 United States censur|census for 1850}} in the same way, and find the figures for 1860 fully corroborated. ** {{cite journal|title=Climatology of Consumption.—No. II|date=January 5, 1865|journal=The Boston Medical and Surgical Journal|volume=71|issue=23|pages=449–451|doi=10.1056/NEJM186501050712301|url=https://www.nejm.org/doi/pdf/10.1056/NEJM186501050712301}} ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Gould, Augustus Addison}} [[Category:1805 births]] [[Category:1866 deaths]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Members of the United States National Academy of Sciences]] [[Category:Naturalists from the United States]] [[Category:People from New Hampshire]] [[Category:Physicians from Boston]] [[Category:Scientists from Boston]] [[Category:Zoologists from the United States]] i6q2nfltoxq0zogg6wyjn2kzeusmht8 4 307640 3944305 2026-05-23T00:01:36Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = Diableria Res Satanae.png | image1px = 292px | image2 = Jewel at the Mall of America on October 5, 2015 - 6 PM Central US Time.jpg | image2px = 222px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->''There are [[addictions]] to feed and there are mouths to [[pay]]<br /> So you bargain with the [[Devil]] but you're okay for today]] | author = Jewel (singer) }}" 3944305 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = Diableria Res Satanae.png | image1px = 292px | image2 = Jewel at the Mall of America on October 5, 2015 - 6 PM Central US Time.jpg | image2px = 222px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->''There are [[addictions]] to feed and there are mouths to [[pay]]<br /> So you bargain with the [[Devil]] but you're okay for today]] | author = Jewel (singer) }} 0gpu0pqp5zhowthd479622g59rpct0k 3944306 3944305 2026-05-23T00:03:17Z Kalki 71 3944306 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = Diableria Res Satanae.png | image1px = 292px | image2 = Jewel at the Mall of America on October 5, 2015 - 6 PM Central US Time.jpg | image2px = 222px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->''There are [[addictions]] to feed and there are mouths to [[pay]]<br /> So you bargain with the [[Devil]] but you're okay for today.'' | author = Jewel (singer) }} pz0fw38zhbjjjexch1wdtr7po8cixlc 3 307641 3944307 2026-05-23T00:07:10Z ~2026-18202-20 3304755 /* Error */ new section 3944307 wikitext text/x-wiki == Error == Had read global blocks and wanted one to be lifted quickly for Wikipedia. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-18202-20|&#126;2026-18202-20]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-18202-20|talk]]) 00:07, 23 May 2026 (UTC) etcn89pac18d5tf4g0x4m27fyjeyiuv 3944361 3944307 2026-05-23T03:36:02Z PieWriter 3267587 - 3944361 wikitext text/x-wiki phoiac9h4m842xq45sp7s6u21eteeq1 0 307642 3944365 2026-05-23T05:51:03Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "'''{{w|David Grene}}''' (13 April 1913 – 10 September 2002) was an Irish-American professor of classics at the University of Chicago from 1937 until his death. He was a co-founder of the Committee on Social Thought and is best known for his translations of ancient Greek literature. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * The temptation to a modern [[translator]] in such a matter is either to cut or to substitute a kind of poetry that is more acceptable. But [[Aeschylus]] was..." 3944365 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|David Grene}}''' (13 April 1913 – 10 September 2002) was an Irish-American professor of classics at the University of Chicago from 1937 until his death. He was a co-founder of the Committee on Social Thought and is best known for his translations of ancient Greek literature. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * The temptation to a modern [[translator]] in such a matter is either to cut or to substitute a kind of poetry that is more acceptable. But [[Aeschylus]] was like that, and perhaps we ought to settle for the strangeness and roughness of a literal rendering.{{pb}}There was a creative poet there whose images and metaphors were his own and no one else’s, and if we brood over them even in their bare bones we may learn more about poetry than by trying to make them over in our own terms. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/1979/04/08/archives/aeschylus-diminished-aeschylus.html "Aeschylus. Diminished"] [Review of [[Robert Lowell]]’s translation of Aeschylus’s ''{{w|Oresteia}}''] in ''The New York Times'', Sunday Book Review (8 April 1979), p. 43 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Grene, David}} [[Category:1913 births]] [[Category:2002 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:University of Chicago faculty]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] qxupvgkya3oesnr1n3ighqbrsobmb0d 0 307643 3944375 2026-05-23T06:58:56Z EarthDude 3228931 EarthDude moved page [[Syama Prasad Mookerjee]] to [[Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]]: Common name and the name used in Wikipedia 3944375 wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Shyama Prasad Mukherjee]] 1j4v4nqdcasygh8dp4j2omyvdsgndsp 14 307644 3944380 2026-05-23T07:10:08Z EarthDude 3228931 Creating a useful category 3944380 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Main|Bharatiya Janata Party}} {{Wikipedia|Bharatiya Janata Party}} {{Wikipedia|Category:Bharatiya Janata Party}} [[Category:Political parties]] [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] [[Category:Conservatism]] 9e9fudltk0vhxtvddjeae6niebiehl3 3944381 3944380 2026-05-23T07:10:30Z EarthDude 3228931 More appropriate under this subcat 3944381 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Main|Bharatiya Janata Party}} {{Wikipedia|Bharatiya Janata Party}} {{Wikipedia|Category:Bharatiya Janata Party}} [[Category:Political parties in India]] [[Category:Hindu nationalism]] [[Category:Conservatism]] tc8urzoanu3xs12yj2utknmwctkvip7 14 307645 3944385 2026-05-23T07:13:47Z EarthDude 3228931 EarthDude moved page [[Category:Political parties of the United Kingdom]] to [[Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]]: More grammatically accurate 3944385 wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[:Category:Political parties in the United Kingdom]] 6pknn4ka8znq4ed568k5kchg7x8rimm 14 307646 3944395 2026-05-23T07:17:46Z EarthDude 3228931 EarthDude moved page [[Category:Political parties of the United States]] to [[Category:Political parties in the United States]]: More grammatically accurate 3944395 wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[:Category:Political parties in the United States]] fe6w1pvye2uw5ea64ax85ymvljizqjs 0 307647 3944403 2026-05-23T07:27:19Z EarthDude 3228931 EarthDude moved page [[Integral humanism (India)]] to [[Integral humanism (Hindu nationalism)]]: The common name and the name used in the enwiki article 3944403 wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Integral humanism (Hindu nationalism)]] n7g3njqfnkqdgdna9d9bwrylpkeb4jz 3 307648 3944410 2026-05-23T07:48:11Z MathXplore 3050778 test1 ([[m:User:ZbVl/VD|Vandoom]]) 3944410 wikitext text/x-wiki == 2026-05-23 == [[File:Information.svg|25px]] Thanks for experimenting with {{#if:|the page [[{{{1}}}]] on|}} Wikiquote. Your test worked, and has now been reverted or removed. Please use [[Wikiquote:Sandbox]] for any other tests you want to do, since testing in articles will normally be reverted quickly. Please see the [[Wikiquote:Welcome, newcomers|welcome page]] if you would like to learn more about contributing to our compendium of quotations. For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]], and also [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]] for a list of common activities that Wikiquote does not support. <!-- Glow-test1 @ 1779522493791.3s --><nowiki></nowiki> [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:48, 23 May 2026 (UTC) hj94h2u60bii2tngksz440i9n027kgi 2 307649 3944415 2026-05-23T08:57:30Z ShyWo 3251124 Created page with "I enjoy the law." 3944415 wikitext text/x-wiki I enjoy the law. feva6qmf1oh7zwkk4xafnilojzmd4n3 0 307650 3944426 2026-05-23T10:39:10Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "'''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt..." 3944426 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 <!-- (Penelope loq.) --> == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] hdldbnuovecehcklv0w14ttgcpoz1xr 0 307651 3944429 2026-05-23T11:05:17Z GrimRob 1187925 Created page with "[[File:2023-10-04 Fußball, Männer, UEFA Champions League, RB Leipzig - Manchester City FC 1DX 2794.jpg|thumb|The player has to understand he is part of a team, with 10 other players.]] '''[[w:Pep Guardiola|Josep "Pep" Guardiola Sala]]''' (born 18 January [[1971]]) is a {{w|Catalonia|Catalan}} football manager and former player from Spain who is the manager of Premier League club {{w|Manchester City}}. Widely regarded as one of the greatest w:Manager (association foot..." 3944429 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:2023-10-04 Fußball, Männer, UEFA Champions League, RB Leipzig - Manchester City FC 1DX 2794.jpg|thumb|The player has to understand he is part of a team, with 10 other players.]] '''[[w:Pep Guardiola|Josep "Pep" Guardiola Sala]]''' (born 18 January [[1971]]) is a {{w|Catalonia|Catalan}} football manager and former player from Spain who is the manager of Premier League club {{w|Manchester City}}. Widely regarded as one of the greatest [[w:Manager (association football)|football managers]] in history, Guardiola is one of two managers in history to win the continental treble twice and he holds the record for the most consecutive league games won in {{w|La Liga}}, {{w|Bundesliga}}, and the {{w|Premier League}}. {{Sports-stub}} == Quotes == * In the first part of the process, the defence is schematic things – four or five movements. So I believe that’s more schematical, more like an orchestra. But offensively, the way you attack is open. In some parts of the pitch of course you have to be creative and take the chance. But I don’t like it when people say: ‘I like freedom; I want to play for myself.’ Because the player has to understand he is part of a team, with 10 other players. If every player plays like a jazz musician, it will be chaos. They will not be a team. ** Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/football/2017/jan/03/pep-guardiola-manchester-city-manager-football-interview Pep Guardiola: ‘When I finish I will disappear. You won’t find me in your life’], ''The Guardian'' (3 Jan 2017) * Listen, I am from Catalunya, you know. My education, my football education, comes from there. And I learn a lot here, I learn a lot in Germany, but my principles come from there. If I were born in Germany alongside Ralf Rangnick's ideas, Jurgen Klopp's ideas, whatever, probably I would do it I like this. But I feel the football the way I feel it and I cannot change it because they have success. Everyone has to do what they want. ** Quoted in [https://www.skysports.com/football/news/11679/12558002/pep-guardiola-exclusive-interview-man-city-coach-on-the-german-coaching-rise-and-why-his-team-are-the-exception "Pep Guardiola exclusive interview: Man City coach on the German coaching rise and why his team are the exception"], Sky Sports (6 March 2022) * Ten years is a lot of time and I think the club needs a new manager, new energy, these incredible players we have right now and start to write another chapter ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/articles/cx21y7023qxo "Guardiola says Man City 'need new energy' as exit confirmed"], ''BBC Sport'' (22 May 2026) == Quotes about Guardiola == * Pep is one of the best managers we've ever seen. The greatest ever? Well, it's hard to disrespect Sir Alex Ferguson when you have that conversation, but those were different times - Pep's the greatest manager of the modern era, that's for sure. ** [[w:Micah Richards|Micah Richards]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/articles/cn4pg3egw43o "Why genius Guardiola is the greatest coach of all time"], ''BBC Sport'' (22 May 2026) * Guardiola's reputation rests on his wider impact, his ability to reinvent the way others thought about the game and his influence has permeated throughout the football pyramid... it is undeniable that Guardiola's impact extends beyond trophy count. ** Tim Jotischky quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/articles/cn7pkjjdy30o "Could history be rewritten? Guardiola, Man City and the 115 charges"], ''BBC Sport'' (19 May 2026) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Guardiola, Pep}} [[Category:1971 births]] t3rvweqaswgykri8rcryrep7kxrdsmu 0 307652 3944430 2026-05-23T11:07:12Z GrimRob 1187925 Redirected page to [[Pep Guardiola]] 3944430 wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Pep Guardiola]] obfebo64o7l3dunjjy3lyun1mb968td